THE MAPT WINSTON THE TITLE-MART THE TITLE-MART A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY WINSTON CHURCHILL gork THE MACMILLAN COMPANY LONDON : MACMILLAN & CO., LTD. 1905 Dramatic rights reserved COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY THE MACMILLAN COMPANY. Set up and electrotype*!. Published October, 1905. J. S. Cashing & Co. Berwirk & Smith Co. Norwood, Mass., U.S.A. OF CHARACTERS THE MARQUIS OF TREDBURY A young nobleman in finan cial straits. Son of " Barking s china." Railroad President and Cap tain of Industry. Lawyer, man of the world. Reporter on the New York Morning Republic. Store-keeper and sheriff of Carroll County. EZRA SWAZEY ...... His clerk. TILDEN ........ Valet to Lord Tredbury. Butler, footmen, etc. REGINALD BARKING, M.P. MR. JOHN BLACKWELL . MR. LAWRENCE PEPYS . ROY CLARKSON HIRAM PETERS EDITH BLACKWELL . MRS. BLACKWELL LADY MARJORIE TICKNOR. A modern, strenuous, Ameri can girl. Incidentally an heiress. Second wife to Mr. Blackwell, stepmother of Edith. M748774 BALCHVILLE IN THE ADIRONDACKS ACT I SCENE. The Post-office and little general store occupies half of the rear of the stage, the left side. It is a low, white building, with a porch and checker-paned windows on either side of the door, where goods are displayed, and signs, " MANNA BREAKFAST FOOD," etc. There is a small sign, " POST-OFFICE," and a larger sign over the porch, " HIRAM PETERS, GENERAL STORE." There is a sign against the wall of the Post-office, of more or less permanence and size : "TIPTON S HOTEL IN THE MOUNTAINS, ON LAKE REGINA, EIGHT MILES BY STAGE FROM BALCHVILLE. LUXURIOUS SUITES. GOLFING, FISHING, TENNIS, BOATING. Z. TIPTON, PROPRIETOR." There is also a large poster in a conspicuous place adver tising, "THE BALCHVILLE FAIR," with a list of prizes, trotting races, etc. During the act, the Fair is supposed to be in progress. At various B I 2 THE TITLE-MART ACT i intervals, when the action is not interfered with, the boy, EZRA SWAZEY, appears disconsolately in the doorway of the store. In front of the store, in the foreground, is a green, and around a great pine tree a seat, carved with various designs and initials. In the Right,, rear, is seen the landing dock extending into the lake, beyond it the waters, and in the distance the hills on the farther side. There is a fringe of trees likewise on the extreme Right rear, and street is supposed to come in at Right front. TIME : About 4.30 on an August afternoon, the present day. AT RISE : The boy, EZRA SWAZEY, is discovered standing dejectedly on the porch, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a scoop such as is used for coffee, sugar, etc. In front of him, on the green, stands HIRAM PETERS him self, sheriff of Carroll County, a tall, vigorous figure of a countryman, sunburned, with a shrewd but kindly face. He has a fringe of gray beard on his chin, but no mus tache. He wears a blue flannel shirt, trousers tucked into his boots, a waistcoat, no coat, and a slouch hat. The waistcoat is unbuttoned, his suspenders in evidence. On the waistcoat is pinned a shield, the badge of his office. EZRA (Spitting dejectedly on the green.) Which hoss won the first heat, Hiram? HIRAM What s that feller s name that lives over to the Centre? Jimson. Don t be cast down, Ezry, we can t all git to the Fair. (Looking off, Left.) ACT I THE TITLE-MART 3 Here comes John Blackwell. When he was your age he didn t go to no fairs, and now he kin travel from here to Puget Sound on his own railroad. Ain t that any comfort? (Laughs.) (Enter, Left, MR. BLACKWELL. He is a big man, with a kindly, rugged face, smooth-shaven, and is dressed in an expensive, loose-fitting, dark cutaway suit, such as rich men with no ostentation affect. He wears square-toed boots, a low, turn-down collar, and gray felt hat, and over his arm he carries a linen duster.) How be ye, John? MR. BLACKWELL Why aren t you at the Fair, Hiram? HIRAM Ben thar all day. I jest come over to see ef Ezry had eloped with my stock of goods and Uncle Sam s mail. He s feelin kinder bad, but I was tellin him of your career. The way to get rich is to tend store on Fair days. Ain t that so, John? (MR. BLACKWELL laughs, a hearty, whole some laugh, but says nothing.) My business ain t what it used to be I ain t made an arrest for nigh on to two months, and that were only vagrancy. 4 THE TITLE-MART ACT i (Sadly.) There hain t even a confidence man at that Fair. MR. BLACKWELL (Laughing.) Have you seen any lords around, Hiram? HIRAM (With interest.) Lords! No, have you got a warrant? MR. BLACKWELL (Laughing.) I wish you would arrest him, Hiram. My wife tells me he s come over here to marry Edith. HIRAM By jiminy, that feller! The Marquis of Tred somethin MR. BLACKWELL Tredbury. HIRAM (With mock impressiveness.) The Marquis of Tredbury ! He s got a whole soot of rooms at Tipton s. Guess Edith s got more sense than to invest in a shell game of that kind, hain t she, John? ACT I THE TITLE-MART 5 MR. BLACKWELL (Dryly.) I hope so. HIRAM Say, when I heard he was at Tipton s Hotel, I says to Bill Morton, it seems kinder strange that Mrs. Blackwell hain t got hold of him and fetched him up to that palatial camp of yours. MR. BLACKWELL That s just what she s going to do. She s coming over after him in the launch, and he s coming down from Tipton s to meet her here. HIRAM I want to know! (A pause.) John, you and I used to run around these hills barefoot when we were boys, long afore you went to New York and got to be a millionnaire. I always knowed you was smart, but I never cal- lated to see you a captain of industry. And I ain t never got above a country storekeeper and sheriff. (Patting the badge.) 6 THE TITLE-MART ACT i MR. BLACKWELL (Laughs deprecatingly, takes out two cigars, gives one to HIRAM, and they smoke. Sighs.) Hiram, do you remember my grandfather, the Reverend Cephas Blackwell? HIRAM (Laughing.) Do I remember him? Say, John, I ll never forgit the day he caught you and me stealin apples outen Deacon Saunders orchard. May be he didn t tan us I want to know ! MR. BLACKWELL Those were happy days, Hiram. (Puts his hand on HIRAM S shoulder.) HIRAM I ve often thought I could put my finger on one reason of your success, John. You never forgit old friends. MR. BLACKWELL (Gruffly.) Tut, tut! ACT I THE TITLE-MART 7 HIRAM Wai, you never did. When you come back here fifteen years ago, with all that money, and bought your grandfather s farm I was kinder skeered. I own to it. I thought you d forgit Hiram Peters. But, by godfrey, you most shook my hand off, when you seen me in front of this here store. MR. BLACKWELL (Grunts disapprovingly.) HIRAM John, them was days afore your first wife died, afore you built this grand camp, when you was livin plain and comfortable in the Reverend Cephas s old house. I always had a fancy for that house. Now it hain t nothin but a what do you call it? MR. BLACKWELL (Sighing.) A lodge. HIRAM (With contempt.) Wai, you hain t changed, though you hev got all them powdered mummies in gold lace and stockin s to wait on you. 8 THE TITLE-MART ACT i (MR. BLACKWELL sighs. HIRAM places his hand on his shoulder, sympatheti cally.} Don t take it so hard, John, I didn t mean nothin . One thing, you hain t lost your taste for fancy chickens, hev you? Thar s some of the finest I ever see over to the Fair, close to that place whar they hev the stun bolt contests. Say, John, thar s a little black and red cock thar that puts up as fine as any bird I ever clapped eyes on. He could lick any chicken in your coop. MR. BLACKWELL Hiram, I m ashamed of you. You know I don t buy them to fight. HIRAM No, you don t buy em to fight, but when they do fight, you hain t averse to lookin on. John, I wasn t brought up with you for nothin . And that daughter of yours is jest like you, a nice, common lady, no airs, and my, hain t she pretty ! (Enter, Left, LORD TREDBURY and MR. REGI NALD BARKING, followed by TILDEN, weighted down with hat boxes and other luggage, which he deposits on the grass. TREDBURY is a well- built, clean-cut, athletic-looking young man, ACT i THE TITLE-MART 9 soberly dressed in a Hue serge suit and with a quiet manner. MR. REGINALD BARKING is heavier built, red-jaced, wears a somewhat loud gray checked morning suit, white spats, and a monocle.) Speakin of the devil, thar s the lord now. MR. BLACKWELL (Glances at BARKING with anything but approval.) (To HIRAM.) Well, good-by, Hiram ; I ll see you at the Fair. Did you say they were near the stone bolt place ? HIRAM By godfrey, I thought ye couldn t keep away. Say, John, take a look at the black and red. MR. BLACKWELL (Going.) Yes, yes. HIRAM And say, John, thar s a mottled one thar MR. BLACKWELL Yes, yes. (Exit, Left.) 10 THE TITLE-MART ACT l TREDBURY Tilden, you may inquire for the mail. (Exit TILDEN into the Post-office. HI RAM PETERS watches them with curi osity, not unmixed with contempt.} (To BARKING.) No one here yet, Reggie. (TILDEN emerges from the Post-office with letters. He gives quite a number to LORD TREDBURY, and one or two to BARKING.) BARKING (Puts in his glass, looks at his letters, and thrusts them into his pocket. To HIRAM.) I say, my good fellow, is there a chemist in this place? HIRAM Guess you ve made a mistake, Mister, I m a damned bad feller. See that badge? (Pointing to the badge on his waistcoat.) BARKING (Adjusting his glass, and examining badge.) Very interesting, I m sure. But, where is the chemist? ACT I THE TITLE-MART n HIRAM The what? TREDBURY They call em drug stores in America, Barking. HIRAM (To TREDBURY.) Wai, you seem to hev some sense. Thar s a kind of a drug store about a block up the road. (Points off Right.) BARKING (To TREDBURY.) What an interesting native ! I say, if you don t mind, I think I ll be strolling up there. (Exit, Right.) HIRAM (To TREDBURY.) Hain t you going to exhibit him at the fair? (TILDEN claps his hand over his mouth.) TREDBURY Oh, he s a pretty good sort when you get to know him. 12 THE TITLE-MART ACT I HIRAM Guess I don t want to know him. If he s a lord, then I don t stand for him. (Exit, Left, in deep disgust.) TREDBURY (Laughing quietly: to TILDEN.) Just run away and pay that chap who drove us down here. TILDEN Very good, your lordship. TREDBURY (Taking out his letters, and going over and sitting down on the seat under the tree.) Well, here I am in America, with fifteen thou sand pounds worth of debts, two country places mortgaged up to the leads, assets, a letter of introduction to Mrs. Blackwell, stepmother to an heiress worth twenty millions. (Lights a cigarette.) Let s see what we have here. (Opens lills: reads languidly.) "Will your lordship please remit - ACT I THE TITLE-MART 13 (Tears it up into pieces and throws it on the grass. Opens another.) "Will your lordship please see that a small check - (Tears it up, throws pieces on the grass, and opens another.) "We shall not press your lordship at this time, as we understand that your lordship is in Amer ica" Ah! (Tears it up and throws pieces on the grass.) Hello, here s a letter from Marjorie. (Looks at the outside.) Postmarked Newport, R.I., sent to the steamer and forwarded here. (Opens it, reads a little way.) I say, here s a rum go. (Then reads:) "Newport. "Dear Treddy:- "I am staying here in Newport with the Windhams. I have just had a note from Lady Allerdyce saying you were coming to this country on the Campagna, and it is entendu that you are going to the Adirondacks to visit the Blackwells. You and I have always been friends, and I don t mind being frank with you. I have been in America three weeks, and there are many more desirable partis in the country than Edith I 4 THE TITLE-MART ACT I Blackwell. Heiresses, really attractive ones, are very easy to get. This Blackwell girl is unattrac tive, hoidenish, impossible. (TREDBURY repeats: "Unattractive, hoi denish, impossible ! " ) Entre nous, she would never do for the Marquess of Tredbury. I knew the Blackwells in London, where I assisted in getting a few invitations for Mrs. Blackwell, for a consideration. It was a case of noblesse oblige. Mrs. Blackwell is one of those horrid American women who know all about titles. If you get this before you start for the Adirondacks, don t start. Come to Newport. "Lady Allerdyce writes me that you are crossing with your friend of Oxford days, Reggie Barking, of Barking s china. Treddy, why wouldn t he do for me ? I shall have to marry some one like that soon, so bring him here. And surely he can t be after a rich American. He will have to marry into the Aristocracy. I saw him once from the Ladies Gallery in the House of Com mons, when everybody was leaving because he was going to speak. But if I married him, I shouldn t have to listen to his speeches, and it would be better than doing secretary s work at house parties. I think I might persuade the Duke to get him a title. "Whatever you do, don t go to the Blackwells , ACT I THE TITLE-MART 15 or that designing woman will marry you to her stepdaughter before you can turn around. I suppose I shall have to go there before I leave America. Mais, que voulez vous? Beggars are not choosers. "Yours in haste, "Marjorie Ticknor." (Looking up.} By jove, I wish I d got that note earlier. (Looking around.) I suppose there s no getting out of it now. (Enter BARKING, Right.) BARKING I say, Treddy, Mrs. Blackwell isn t expecting me, you know. It would be devilish awkward if she didn t want me she only invited you. TREDBURY Never mind that, old chap, Americans have the reputation of being very hospitable. (Aside.) Unattractive, hoidenish, impossible! BARKING What did you say? 16 THE TITLE-MART ACT I TREDBURY Reggie, I ve had a letter from Lady Marjorie Ticknor. She s in Newport. BARKING What, the Duke of Kay s granddaughter? TREDBURY (Absently.) By the way, she had heard I was travelling with you, and wanted me to bring you to New port. BARKING (Putting up his glass.) Did she say anything about me? TREDBURY Ahem yes said she d seen you in the House or something of that sort. BARKING You don t mind reading it, do you, Treddy? TREDBURY It wouldn t be at all good for you, Reggie. She gives you rather a puff, you know. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 17 BARKING Does she, now ! This is a red-letter day for me. (Drawing a letter from his pocket. Im pressively.) The governor has made a few er contri butions to the party, you know and he expects to be made a lord any day. TREDBURY I congratulate you, old chap. Why, that means you will have a title. BARKING Er yes. TREDBURY You look more like a person with a title than I do. Every one s picked you out for the lord, at first. (Sighs.) I wish to the devil you would take my title and use it until you get your own. BARKING What do you mean? TREDBURY Just that. Take the title and use it as long as you want. I should be infinitely obliged to be 1 8 THE TITLE-MART ACT i relieved of it for a while, and it can t make a great deal of difference here in America. (With inspiration.) By jove, why not begin on Mrs. Blackwell to day? She s sure to take you for me when she comes down here. Let her think so. BARKING By jove, it would be a rum joke. And you? TREDBURY I will go as plain Mr. Barking, of Barking s china. I beg pardon as Reginald Barking, M.P. BARKING (Admiringly: slapping his shoulder.) I say, Tredbury, that would be like you. You haven t changed a bit since Oxford. I believe you re the wildest devil in England. TREDBURY If you re going to have the title, you ll have to get over that beastly habit of thumping people, Barking. I suppose you inherit it. BARKING I suppose I do. My old governor used to say that it was worth more to him to be seen slapping ACT I THE TITLE-MART 19 a lord on the back than to have his charity sub scriptions published. TREDBURY (Glancing around.) And this is wasted ! (He sits down on the bench, and lights a cigarette.) Reggie, I m really serious. Take my title when we go up to the Blackwells , there s a good-hearted chap. BARKING But there s the heiress. She might fall in love with me, you know. TREDBURY Oh, no, she wouldn t. BARKING I don t think it s quite decent to say that. She might fall in love with me. TREDBURY (Looking him over critically.) I find it very difficult to lie to you, Reggie. She might take a fancy to you, of course there s the off chance. I should be willing to make the odds twenty to one. 20 THE TITLE-MART ACT I BARKING (Indignantly.) Pounds ? TREDBURY Guineas, if you like. BARKING Of course, you re in a bad humor. That may account for it. But upon my word, I don t see why you should go out of your way to insult me. I ve always thought er I wasn t bad looking, you know. TREDBURY Who said you were bad looking? BARKING (Offended.) You inferred it. TREDBURY Nothing of the kind. I said it wasn t probable that Miss Blackwell would fall in love with you. No more it is. (Examining BARKING critically.) You re a very imposing, distinguished-looking person, Reggie, but er you re not precisely the kind women leave their husbands for. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 21 BARKING (Starting.) I say! TREDBURY (Continuing contemplatively. ) Now, if you were to go up there to the Black- wells , this little affair of Miss BlackwelFs getting married to a title would languish of itself. You wouldn t want an ugly girl, and she wouldn t want you. BARKING You didn t say she was ugly. TREDBURY Didn t I? Well, she is. I ve been told so, - on the best authority. She s unattractive, hoi- denish, impossible, and you won t fancy her. It will only be for a day, and we ll go on to New port to-morrow. (Rises, and crosses over Right.) I think I ll go and see what became of Tilden. (Exit, lower Right.) BARKING (Calling after him.) I say, you ve quite offended me, you know. 22 THE TITLE-MART ACT i (To himself.) Confound em, they re so dashed sure of them selves ! (Enter, Left, EDITH BLACK WELL. She is a very handsome girl, dressed in a linen riding habit, such as is worn in the country, and she swings a hunting whip. She barely glances at BARKING, and goes into the Post-office. BARKING takes out his glass, fixes it in his eye, and looks after her.) By jove, what a ripping girl ! (EDITH comes out of the Post-office with two letters in her hand. She flashes an amused look at him, goes slowly down Left, sits down on the seat under the tree, and begins to read her letters, glancing at him from time to time with the same amused look. When she looks at him, BARKING looks away, but keeps his glass in, and when she drops her eyes, he looks at her again. He coughs from time to time.) Devilish fetching, by jove ! (Coughs.) Devilish fetching ! (Coughs again.) EDITH (Looking up at him again.) You really ought to take something. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 23 BARKING (Overcome.} Er I beg pardon. Take something, did you say? EDITH For the cough. I am afraid you will go into a decline. BARKING (Trying to be coquettish. Completely misunderstanding her.) Oh, I say, how jolly of you ! EDITH (Coolly.) How jolly of me? BARKING Er to speak to me. EDITH It was merely charity, because you don t appear to be able to take care of yourself. BARKING It s awfully jolly to have some one to look after one, you know. 24 THE TITLE-MART ACT I EDITH Is it? (Glances at the luggage on the grass.) What s become of your guardian? BARKING Er I m alone. EDITH That isn t very complimentary to me. (BARKING starts to explain.) Alone in America, I suppose you mean. How appalling ! BARKING Er that is (Hesitates, and continues to look at her through the monocle.} EDITH You have come over here to learn to speak English fluently, I gather. I m afraid it will take a long time. BARKING Oh, I say ! EDITH (Rising, and apparently becoming fas cinated by the monocle.} I wish I could do that. Do you suppose it would fit my eye? ACT I THE TITLE-MART 25 BARKING (Overwhelmed.} I m sure I don t know. EDITH Does it come off? BARKING (Solemnly dropping it out oj his eye.) See ! Like that. EDITH I wonder if I could do it. (BARKING unfastens it from his coat and hands it to her. She puts it in her eye, and glances coldly at BARKING.) Er Lord Tredbury, I believe. BARKING By jove ! (Aside.) She s taken me for Treddy. EDITH (Mimicking BARKING, drops the glass out oj her eye. She hands it to him.) I say, my stepmother s coming for you. 26 THE TITLE-MART BARKING Er I beg pardon your stepmother? EDITH Yes, my stepmother. Do you imagine for a moment that a young man with a title could be in the surrounding country without her coming for him? BARKING (Agitated, astonished.} Er might I ask to whom I am speaking ? EDITH Certainly. I m Miss Blackwell. BARKING You re you re Miss Blackwell ! (Backs away from her, and suddenly begins to laugh at the joke on TRED- BURY.) EDITH What s so funny about that? BARKING (Embarrassed.) Nothing. I beg pardon, I m sure. I was er ACT I THE TITLE-MART 27 - er surprised that s all surprised. Do you know who I thought you were? EDITH I haven t the faintest idea. BARKING (Blurting.} Dotty Davenport. EDITH Dotty Davenport ! (Laughs.) Oh, the actress. BARKING Er there is a remarkable resemblance, you know only you are better looking. EDITH Thanks. BARKING (After an awkward pause.) Do you know, I expected to find you quite ugly and unattractive. EDITH You must have been reading Henry James. 28 THE TITLE-MART ACT BARKING I have been thinking, instead, of Guinevere. EDITH Never heard of her. Was she fast? BARKING (Overcome.) Er fast ! By jove, that s awfully good, you know. EDITH Did she have a record? BARKING (Bursting into laughter.) How awfully jolly you are ! I say, she did have rather a record, EDITH She was a thoroughbred, of course? BARKING (Laughing loudly.) Oh er yes, a thoroughbred. How hu morous you Americans are. ACT i THE TITLE-MART 29 EDITH I shall look her up. Did you say her name was Guinevere ? BARKING (Screws in his monocle.) She wasn t a horse, you know; she was a queen. EDITH Is that all? BARKING You ve never read Tennyson? EDITH Let me see. He wrote one of the Badminton series, didn t he ? BARKING Oh, by jove ! He was a poet. EDITH (Appearing to lose interest.) Oh ! I should hardly have thought you poeti cal, Lord Tredbury. BARKING I say, do you think I look like a lord? 30 THE TITLE-MART ACT i EDITH Certainly. BARKING Do I er act like a lord ? EDITH If one may call it acting. BARKING (Laughing.) Oh, I say, dashed clever! EDITH I can t stay here talking to you all day. I promised my father to meet him at the Fair. BARKING Oh, I say, mayn t I go along? EDITH I am afraid you ll have to wait for my step mother. I suppose the motor boat has broken down again, but don t be discouraged. My step mother will get you. (Edith picks up the riding whip, smiles at him, and exit, Left.} ACT I THE TITLE-MART 31 BARKING (Sticking in his glass, and looking after her.) Phew! Ugly, unattractive, hoidenish! By jove, I believe I ll go ! What a joke on Treddy ! (Enter, Right, LORD TREDBURY.) TREDBURY Who was the lady, Reggie? BARKING Er what lady ? TREDBURY Oh, come now, what lady ! BARKING Er you mean that was just here? Er by the way, Treddy, did you ever see Dotty Davenport? TREDBURY I ve seen her photograph. She s one of the few I haven t known, and I ve always wanted to. Do you mean to say that was Dotty Davenport? (Steps over Left, apparently gazing after her.) By jove, she can ride! What s she doing here? 32 THE TITLE-MART ACT i BARKING Er staying at the Blackwells camp. TREDBURY That s rather fortunate. BARKING And er I say, deuced odd, you know, but she took me for you. She called me Lord Tredbury. TREDBURY I m almost reconciled to going up to the Black- wells . Where s she gone now? BARKING To the Fair, she said. TREDBURY To the Fair, eh? BARKING You think Miss Davenport attractive? TREDBURY Don t you? ACT i THE TITLE-MART 33 BARKING E r no t very. You know I never had your passion for actresses. TREDBURY Reggie, I m afraid you ll have to assume the title for this visit. It s thrust upon you. BARKING (With pretended reluctance.) Couldn t think of it. (The sound of a motor boat is heard.) TREDBURY (Stepping behind the Post-office and looking off into the lake.) There comes Mrs. Blackwell now. Do be decent, Reggie, it can t do any harm. Er I imagine Mrs. Blackwell, from what I hear of her, will enjoy the joke. And just say that you have a friend you would like to bring along a Mr. Barking. (Goes over Left.) BARKING A Mr. Barking. Where are you going? ^ (The sound of a band is heard in the distance.) 34 THE TITLE-MART ACT i TREDBURY I think I ll step over to the Fair. It can t be far away. I hear it. I ve always been interested in Fairs. You might stop there for me if Mrs. Blackwell is willing to put me up. (Exit Left, swinging his stick.) BARKING (Calling after him, in a panic.) I say, Tredbury, don t be an ass. It s impos sible. The man s mad mad ! (Calling.) I say come back ! (Glances fearfully behind him, and goes over extreme lower Left and stands with every ap pearance of being about to run after him. EZRA SWAZEY comes out of the Post-office, his pencil behind his ear, a scoop in his hand, and spits. Enter from Right, rear of Post-office, MRS. BLACKWELL and LAWRENCE PEPYS. MRS. BLACKWELL is a pretty woman of about thirty- five, very elaborately dressed, has many social airs, and talks too rapidly for interruption. PEPYS is a comfortable, healthy-looking gentle man of about forty years, in gray flannels and a straw hat. When he takes off the hat it is seen that he is a little inclined to baldness.) ACT I THE TITLE-MART 35 MRS. BLACKWELL Thank heaven, there s the luggage! I was afraid we d missed him. (Nudging PEPYS, and going forward.) There he is ! I should have known him any where, Larry. They are so unmistakable ! Ahem ! (BARKING turns.) I believe I have the pleasure of addressing Lord Tredbury. Dear Lord Tredbury, I m so sorry to keep you waiting, really. I scarcely know how to apologize. But motor boats are so uncertain, and there was something the matter with the cylinder wasn t it the cylinder, Larry? Yes. Once we were on the lake nearly half the night. (She has approached him effusively and taken his hand. BARKING over whelmed with embarrassment, and try ing to get a word in.) Why didn t you come up to the camp at once, instead of going to Tipton s Hotel and sending me Lady Deering s letter? You would have been so welcome. I love English people, and they have been so kind to me. How did you leave dear Lady Deering? BARKING But, I say, Mrs. Blackwell, I m not (Enter EDITH, Right.) 36 THE TITLE-MART ACT I MRS. BLACKWELL Here s Edith ! EDITH Isn t Papa here? They told me at the Fair he was coming over here with Hiram to get a crate for some chickens he d bought. MRS. BLACKWELL (Going to her: impressively.) My dear, here s Lord Tredbury ! EDITH (Nodding to BARKING, carelessly.) Yes, I ve been talking to him. I wonder where Papa can be? MRS. BLACKWELL You ve you ve been talking to him ! (Aside, to EDITH.) Oh, Edith, how could you have left him ! My dear, I may not have told you. One of the oldest titles in England ! EDITH Yes, yes, you told me, quite threadbare, I should say. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, Edith, you must try not to shock him you shock everybody. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 37 (Enter man in livery, from motor boat.) Gustave, put Lord Tredbury s luggage on the boat. (Man takes luggage.) BARKING Oh, please, Mrs. Blackwell, I must explain ! MRS. BLACKWELL / am the one to explain. But first let me intro duce you formally to Miss Blackwell (BARKING bows.) and allow me to present Mr. Pepys. (The men bow.) And now we really must be going if we are to have any tea. BARKING (Aside.) My God! what shall I do? I ll let Tredbury explain. (Aloud.) I say, Mrs. Blackwell, would you mind going to the Fair for a few moments? MRS. BLACKWELL To the Fair! Dear Lord Tredbury, you couldn t possibly take any interest in an ordinary 38 THE TITLE-MART ACT i American Fair such a hodge-podge and such smells ! And they are not even opened. BARKING The fact is I should like awfully to see it. I have a friend MRS. BLACKWELL Why, of course, it might be amusing it s so barbaric if you can stand the smells. Come, Edith, we ll all go. EDITH I have to stay here. I promised Papa I d meet him. (To PEPYS.) Larry, I ll bet you ten dollars my mare beats your old motor boat home. PEPYS (Laughing.) You ought to give odds. EDITH (To EZRA, who is on the porch.) Ezra, I want to telephone to the Centre. (With a little coquetry, to BARKING.) I ll see you at tea, Lord Tredbury. Your English seems to be improving. (Exit into store.) ACT ! THE TITLE-MART 39 BARKING (Looking after her, through his glass.) By jove ! MRS. BLACKWELL (Smiling with appreciation at his ob vious admiration.) Edith is quite a personage; I m sure you ll like her. Come, Lord Tredbury, we ll go by the launch. It s shorter. (MRS. BLACKWELL, BARKING, and PEPYS going around the Post-office.) But mind, I don t hold out any hopes of the Fair. (Exit MRS. BLACKWELL, BARKING, and PEPYS.) EZRA (Spitting vindictively.) Everybody gits thar but me. (Enter LORD TREDBURY, followed by TlLDEN.) TREDBURY I wonder how the deuce I missed her 1 (To TILDEN.) What s become of the luggage? TILDEN I int touched it, me lord. 40 THE TITLE-MART ACT 1 TREDBURY Where have you been all this time ? TILDEN I ad to find the man with the osses, me lord. I come across im at last in a public ouse. EZRA Say, Mister, Mrs. Blackwell took your things, along with that other lord, and went off to the Fair in the la nch. TREDBURY Oh, thanks. Tilden! TILDEN Yessir. TREDBURY Go to the Fair, find Mr. Barking, and be care ful to address him as Lord Tredbury TILDEN Tm a lord, your lordship ! TREDBURY Call him Lord Tredbury, and speak of me ACT I THE TITLE-MART 41 as Mr. Barking. And tell him Mr. Barking is here waiting for him. Do you understand? TILDEN Perfectly, me lord. I ve done strange things for your lordship before. TREDBURY And then you are to go to Tipton s Hotel, and stay there until I send for you. (TILDEN tips, and exit, Left. TREDBURY lights a cigarette, crosses over and sits down on the seat with the tree between him and the Post-office. EDITH comes out of Post-office.) EZRA (To EDITH.) Say, which is the lord, anyway? EDITH What do you mean, Ezra ? I ve only seen one. EZRA Well, thar s been two stoppin at Tipton s. And while you were in telephonin the other one come here with his hired man he s thar now, 42 THE TITLE-MART ACT i whar the smoke is behind the tree he come here with his hired man and told him to go to the Fair and call the other lord something or other. Say, I guess I ought to tell Hiram. This is a con game. These Fairs always bring crooks. EDITH (Looks at him, then puts her hand to her mouth to suppress laughter. Goes for ward, peeks around the tree at the unconscious TREDBURY, then returns. Takes a dollar from her purse and hands it to EZRA.) I ll give you that if you say nothing about it to any one. And don t tell him who I am even if he asks you. EZRA Gee Whiz, I promise. Cross myself. Say, this is better than goin to the Fair. (EDITH approaches TREDBURY from be hind, and swinging her whip from the lash, purposely comes very near TREDBURY S head with it.) TREDBURY (Starting to his feet.) Easy there ! ACT I THE TITLE-MART 43 EDITH Pardon me. TREDBURY I ve been looking everywhere for you, EDITH For me? TREDBURY Yes. I heard you d gone to the Fair, and missed you there. You see, I ve always wanted to meet you, Miss Davenport. I er ad mire the profession. (EDITH stifles a desire to laugh, and continues to look at him, which he finds disconcerting.) I ve I ve always wanted to see you, but by bad luck I was in Switzerland when you played "Banbury Cross" in London. If I may be allowed to say so, you re one of the very few actresses who doesn t disappoint off the stage. And when I heard that Dotty Davenport was staying at the Blackwells - EDITH Is it indiscreet to ask to whom I m speaking? 44 THE TITLE-MART ACT l TREDBURY I m not sure that I quite know. (Hastily.) You see, I m quite overcome at this unex pected meeting. EDITH This not knowing who one is seems to be a British characteristic. Perhaps I can help you. Have you a card case in your pocket, or an accident insurance policy? (TREDBURY continues to gaze at her with quiet admiration.) If I had happened to hit you with the head of this riding whip, you might never have been identified. In addition to recalling me, have you any previous recollections? TREDBURY (Enraptured.) I m rather glad you didn t hit me on the head, you know. EDITH It might have jogged your memory. TREDBURY I got a nasty lick with a polo mallet once. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 45 EDITH Perhaps that s what s the matter with you. TREDBURY (Straightening up.) Oh, come now, you don t think there s anything the matter with me. EDITH It does strike me as a little strange that you can t remember your name. I met another Englishman who looked as if he didn t know his name not twenty minutes ago, Lord Tredbury. Do you know him? TREDBURY I er yes. EDITH You seem a little ashamed of it. Is he dis reputable ? TREDBURY Oh, quite the contrary. A sober, reliable, steady-going sort of chap. Would you mind telling me what you are laughing at? 4 6 THE TITLE-MART ACT I EDITH I m relieved to hear it. I heard he d gamed away his castle, and drunk up the family library. It s made him awfully dry. And well, I can t tell you everything. He s supposed to be the worst case in England. TREDBURY (Sadly.) I m sure you do him an injustice. He doesn t look like a rake, does he? EDITH No. If I had seen you two together, I should have picked you for the part. TREDBURY (Bowing.) I feel flattered. EDITH He seems much too stupid. TREDBURY Thanks very much. Then you were disap pointed in Tredbury? ACT I THE TITLE-MART 47 EDITH Oh, no, not disappointed. He was quite what I expected an uninteresting titled person with out any brains. (TREDBURY laughs.) I don t care at all for titles that s one of my failings. I hope you haven t one, too. TREDBURY Have you ever heard the name of Barking? EDITH I once existed off it in the nursery. TREDBURY (Solemnly.) Er my name s Barking Reginald Barking. EDITH Are you quite sure? But you look too clever to make a mistake of that kind. As for Lord Tredbury, of course it is too much to expect that he should always remember his name. (TREDBURY laughs.) What are these things? (She stoops and picks up some of the remnants of TREDBURY s letters, which are strewn on the grass; reads:) 48 THE TITLE-MART ACT I "To H. I. and A. M. the Emperor of Austria. Will Lord Tredbury kindly oblige us with a cheque? " Is that the way Lord Tredbury treats his bills? TREDBURY Well er in England, the fact is that trades men haven t much respect for people who pay them promptly. Of course they re paid sooner or later EDITH But who s going to pay Lord Tredbury s? TREDBURY (Greatly embarrassed.} I don t quite know. Why do you ask? EDITH Oh, for no reason. I heard he was considering Miss Blackwell. TREDBURY (Begins to laugh.} That s off. EDITH Off? What do you mean? I never heard it was on. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 49 TREDBURY You re staying at the Blackwells , aren t you? (Craftily.) Awfully nice girl, Miss Blackwell ! EDITH She s nothing of the sort. TREDBURY That s what er Tredbury heard. And you see, he s an odd chap. He hasn t at all got the modern idea of marriage, and he feels that, as long as he has to sell his beastly title, he might as well try for a chance of getting some one he could er love, and all that sort of thing. EDITH This Lord Tredbury doesn t seem very grasp ing in his ideas. But who was kind enough to give him this very accurate notion of Miss Black- well? TREDBURY Well, I ll tell you, Miss Davenport. We re chummy, and all that. (Produces LADY MARJORIE S letter.) See that letter ! 5^ THE TITLE-MART ACT i EDITH Why, it s addressed to Lord Tredbury ! TREDBURY (Confused.) Yes er -he showed it to me. He didn t get it till just now too late to turn back, you know. Rather a joke on Tredbury. It s from Lady Marjorie Ticknor you wouldn t know her she s travelled with the Blackwells. (Opens the letter.) She s staying in Newport, and advises Tred bury to come there. Listen : (Reads:) "This Blackwell girl is hoidenish, unattractive, impossible. Entre nous, she would never do for the Marquess of Tredbury." EDITH How kind of Lady Marjorie ! So disinterested ! TREDBURY Oh, Marjorie could hardly be called disin terested, you know. She had special reasons for asking Tredbury to Newport. She has an eye on Barking. EDITH On you? ACT I THE TITLE-MART 51 TREDBURY (Floundering.) Oh, yes, of course, on me. A jolly grind on me. (Reads, jrom sheer embarrassment:) "Lady Allerdyce writes me that you are cross ing with your friend of Oxford days, Reggie Barking, of Barking s china. Treddy, why wouldn t he do for me? I shall have to marry some one like that soon, so bring him here. And surely he can t be after a rich American. He will have to marry into the Aristocracy. I saw him once from the Ladies Gallery in the House of Commons, when everybody was leaving be cause he was going to speak. But if I married him, I shouldn t have to listen to his speeches, and it would be better than doing secretary s work at house parties. I think I might persuade the Duke to get him a title." EDITH So you are destined for Lady Marjorie ! TREDBURY (Alarmed at the situation he has got into.) Not me ! Oh, no not me. I d rather marry anybody even 52 THE TITLE-MART ACT i EDITH Even the unattractive Blackwell girl? TREDBURY I hope you re not a friend of hers. EDITH Quite the contrary. I ve travelled with her too much. TREDBURY (Jumping at the opening.) Travelled ! Er I suppose you travel in the summer, when you are not acting. (EDITH laughs.) Have you ever been in Norway? EDITH Bother Norway ! Have you ever been in Japan ? TREDBURY (Laughing.) Yes. EDITH Perhaps you picked up something of the Jiu Jitsu Japanese wrestling. I m rather interested in it, just now. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 53 TREDBURY I know one or two holds. EDITH Let s see if I know them. What are they? TREDBURY You mean to try them here? EDITH (Coolly.} Yes, why not? (She lays down the riding whip.) Show me the first. TREDBURY (Delightedly.) Well, I don t mind, Dotty. May I call you Dotty ? (They face each other, TREDBURY hesi tatingly y EDITH calmly. She takes hold of his arm, giving him a jerk that nearly carries him off his jeet. He drops Marjorie s letter.) EDITH That s the simplest one. I suppose you know that. 54 THE TITLE-MART ACT i (EZRA SWAZEY is enjoying this hugely jrom the porch.) TREDBURY (Recovering himself.) Ha, ha ! Yes, I know that. But I ll show you one. (He lays down his hat, and manoeuvres jor a hold, she defending herself.) You re jolly good at it. (He catches her and she trips.) EDITH That s not a bad one. But I believe I can stop you if you try it again. TREDBURY That wasn t at all bad. Try it again. (They try it again, when enter, around Right end of Post-office, MRS. BLACK- WELL, BARKING, and PEPYS, who stand aghast watching the perform ance. TREDBURY catches sight of them and breaks loose with an excla mation.) EDITH (Looking around.) Hello, Grace ! ACT I THE TITLE-MART 55 (MRS. BLACKWELL does not answer, but continues to stare through her lor gnette. With a glance at the petrified party, EDITH picks up her riding whip, and incidentally MARJORIE S letter, which she pockets, unnoticed by TREDBURY, who is staring in a horrified way at MRS. BLACKWELL. His hat is off, and he is more or less dishevelled.} (To TREDBURY.) Good-by, Mr. Barking. (Exit EDITH, Left.) MRS. BLACKWELL (In an icy voice, to BARKING.) I m afraid we really ought to be going, dear Lord Tredbury. It s quite late, and none of us have had any tea. You must be famished. BARKING Tea ! Er the fact is, I never drink it. Mrs. Blackwell, allow me (Is about to introduce TREDBURY.) MRS. BLACKWELL (Putting her hand on his arm: sweetly.} Then you shall have something stronger than tea, Lord Tredbury? We really must go. .$6 THE TITLE-MART ACT i (BARKING gives a despairing glance at TREDBURY, who is standing mutely gazing at them. Exit, MRS. BLACK- WELL, dragging BARKING, followed by PEPYS. TREDBURY gazes after them until the motor boat is heard going of). Then he picks up his hat.) EZRA (To TREDBURY.) Say, she kind of put it over you, didn t she? You re in the soup all around. TREDBURY Er perhaps you can tell me how I can get a carriage to go to Tipton s Hotel. EZRA Back to Tipton s - (He is interrupted by the entrance, lower Right, of MR. BLACK WELL and HIRAM, HIRAM carrying a crate of game cocks.) HIRAM (Peering into the coop.) John, that black and red would put up a fight worth looking at. ACT I THE TITLE-MART 57 MR. BLACKWELL I won t hear of fighting, Hiram. You know my principles on that point. HIRAM Still, if they was to get mixed up accidentally, you wouldn t object, I ll bet a dollar. EZRA Here s a feller wants to know how to git back to Tipton s. MR. BLACKWELL (To HIRAM: with a glance at TRED- BURY.) Hello ! Is it possible that my wife let an Eng lishman escape ! HIRAM I guess she took the lord I saw him prancin round after her at the Fair. MR. BLACKWELL (Slapping his leg.) That s just what she did. (Approaching TREDBURY, with a bluff heartiness.) Were you travelling with Lord Tredbury ? 58 THE TITLE-MART ACT I TREDBURY Yes, yes I was. MR. BLACK WELL Have you lost him? TREDBURY I believe he s gone home with Mrs. Blackwell. MR. BLACKWELL (Indignantly.) Didn t she invite you? TREDBURY Well er no, the fact is, she didn t. MR. BLACKWELL Guess your name s Barking, isn t it? They told me there was a Barking staying at Tipton s, son of the Barking that makes the china. Sir, I have a great respect for your father. I d like to know him. I m Mr. Blackwell. I m glad to meet you. (Gives TREDBURY a hearty grip.) Just you come right along with me. I guess there s room for three of us in the buggy, and the ACT I THE TITLE-MART 59 chickens, too eh, Hiram ? We re going right up to the camp now. TREDBURY But Mrs. Blackwell - MR. BLACKWELL She won t worry you. She has her guests, and I have mine. I ve got my own wing, and we ll have a nice little dinner together some special Havanas and 98 Krug, and a good time. Got any baggage? TREDBURY It seems to be gone. EZRA That feller in the boat took it. MR. BLACKWELL Well, it s lucky I found you. She can have her confounded titles I haven t any use for em. Well, Hiram, we d better be moving. HIRAM (Picking up the crate: to EZRA.) If any one calls, just say I m up to Blackwells . 60 THE TITLE-MART ACT I EZRA Yep. (Exit, lower Right, MR. BLACKWELL, TREDBURY, and HIRAM carrying the crate, EZRA leaning against the post and looking after them.) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE. Loggia of Mr. Black-welVs camp in the Adiron- dacks, spread with rugs and wicker furniture ; a ham mock. A table with a small telephone over Left. French novels scattered around. Entrance by French windows into house at Left and rear. At Right a lawn, with shrubbery and trees at extreme Right. At rear the lawn ends in a kind of riistic balustrade that overlooks the lake. The lake can be seen beyond the balustrade, and the mountains in the distance. TIME : About 6.30 in the evening of the same day. (Enter MRS. BLACKWELL and PEPYS, a footman with powdered hair and knee breeches follow ing them. As MRS. BLACKWELL talks to PEPYS, she moves about the stage, and the footman keeps respectfully behind her y evi dently awaiting a chance to speak to her.) MRS. BLACKWELL Larry, I wonder why you are so satisfactory. You never say anything. 61 62 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MR. PEPYS Perhaps that is the reason. MRS. BLACK WELL What a dear Lord Tredbury is ! How English to go to one s room at once, before one has seen the view ! (Sighs.) There is something about the British aristocracy that is very difficult for us to achieve. And how marked the differences between their own classes ! The idea of Edith actually wrestling with that vulgar Mr. Barking. I can t get over it. MR. PEPYS I thought he seemed rather a decent fellow. In fact, I fancy him on the whole more than this Lord Tredbury. (MR. PEPYS sits down in a chair and lights a cigarette. MRS. BLACKWELL walks up and down, the jootman mov ing after her.) MRS. BLACKWELL Larry ! You know what trade is in England. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 63 MR. PEPYS Not as good as it was, I believe. MRS. BLACKWELL It would be just like Edith to fancy this Bark ing. I had to snub him. (Going close to him: with an air of confidence.) Larry, she must marry Tredbury. I ve quite set my heart on it. MR. PEPYS Gracious ! Already ! (A pause.) Why are you so determined? MRS. BLACKWELL Don t be ridiculous, Larry. How can you ask a man of the world ? Can t you see the advantages ? And then I should be quits with Adelaide Townsend. She s been simply unbear able since Nina became the Comtesse de Santerre- Benoit. MR. PEPYS Then you are only doing this to get even with Mrs. Townsend? 64 THE TITLE-MART ACT II MRS. BLACKWELL Don t be idiotic, Larry. (Walks off on the lawn.) FOOTMAN (Following her.) Madam ! MRS. BLACKWELL (Irritably: turning.) In heaven s name, what is it? Ever since I came in you ve been shadowing me like like an evil spirit. FOOTMAN If you please, Madam, Lady Marjorie Ticknor is here. MRS. BLACKWELL Lady Marjorie ! Larry, Lady Marjorie Tick nor ! MR. PEPYS What about her? MRS. BLACKWELL She s here here. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 65 MR. PEPYS Lucky woman. How did she get here? MRS. BLACKWELL That s what I want to know. (To FOOTMAN.) How did she get here? FOOTMAN If you please, Madam, she came by way of Fad s Centre. MRS. BLACKWELL By way of Fad s Centre ! Go on ! FOOTMAN Yes, Madam. Er Ladyship telegraphed from Newport, but it seems the message went to Balchville. MRS. BLACKWELL How English, to telegraph to Balchville ! (To FOOTMAN.) Where is her ladyship now? FOOTMAN In her room, Madam. F 66 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACKWELL (Starts away, Lejt.) FOOTMAN If you please, Madam, her ladyship gave orders she was not to be disturbed under no conditions. MRS. BLACKWELL Dear Marjorie ! How delightfully English ! I wish we could learn the same sense of feeling at home in other people s houses. (To FOOTMAN.) That will do. You might tell her ladyship s maid that a new parcel of French novels came to-day. FOOTMAN Er ladyship has already sent for them, Madam. MRS. BLACKWELL Did her ladyship get the kind of tea she likes ? FOOTMAN Please, Madam, she ad the ousekeeper up, and told er to telegraph to New York for it. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 67 MRS. BLACKWELL Quite right. That will do. (To PEPYS.) Dear Marjorie ! (Exit FOOTMAN.) MR. PEPYS Dear Marjorie ! MRS. BLACKWELL Marjorie did so much for us in London, Larry. Her industry in getting us invited places was absolutely unremitting. Before she got through with us we were quite au courant at all the great houses, I assure you. MR. PEPYS How kind of Lady Marjorie! MRS. BLACKWELL Yes. Just to show our gratitude, I gave her a cheque, and told her that John had made a venture on the stock market in her name. MR. PEPYS Very delicate of you ! 68 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACKWELL The aristocracy are in such a bad way, my heart bleeds for them. But John would be furious if he knew it. He says he never in tends to see her. And Edith dislikes her. She positively insulted her in London. Dear Marjorie is very forgiving. I should never speak to Edith again if I were Marjorie. Edith is so like John. I wonder if mortal woman ever struggled against such odds as Edith and John combined ! (Telephone on table rings. MRS. BLACK- WELL goes to it.) Hello! Who is it? Is that you, Adelaide? Dear Adelaide. How is the giand-aunt? I m so sorry. My dear ! Yes, I have a house party, a small one. Yes, dear! Lord Tredbury, of course you know him. No? He s charming, so au fait, so much the great noble, so completely what he ought to be. Who else? A dear old friend, Lady Marjorie Ticknor, granddaughter of the Duke of Kay, who was so kind to us in London. You will love her. She arrived quite unexpectedly. (A pause.) What time? At eight. Are you quite well, Adelaide? Good- by, dear. (Puts up the telephone.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 69 Larry, it s Adelaide Townsend ! She wants us all for dinner. Could anything be more oppor tune! MR. PEPYS Rather short notice, isn t it? MRS. BLACKWELL Her grand- aunt s on the point of death, she didn t think she d live till dinner-time. I wouldn t give the snap of my finger for all the titles on the continent. Here comes Edith now. (Enter EDITH.) Oh, Edith, I have a surprise for you ! EDITH Unpleasant, I suppose. MRS. BLACKWELL Why? EDITH Your surprises generally are. 70 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACKWELL (To PEPYS.) There, Larry, isn t she the most exasperating girl you ever saw ! (To EDITH.) Lady Marjorie Ticknor s here. EDITH Lady Marjorie Ticknor? MRS. BLACKWELL Yes. She arrived unexpectedly from Newport this afternoon. EDITH (Thinking oj the letter she has seen, laughs.) MRS. BLACKWELL I try to do my whole duty by you. I take you out in London, and I have the aristocracy here, and you treat them abominably. You fling your chances to the winds. You were horribly rude to Lady Marjorie in London. I m quite surprised she comes here at all. (PEPYS walks on terrace, discreetly, dur ing this speech.) ACT II THE TITLE-MART 71 EDITH Then you don t know Lady Marjorie. MRS. BLACKWELL I won t allow you to exasperate me. (With sudden appeal.) Edith, do be nice to her. She is an old friend of Tredbury s. They belong to the same set, you know, the only set worth knowing in England. As for Lord Tredbury, I ve quite lost my heart to him. And it says in the Peerage that he s descended from the first baron, who came over with Samuel the Conqueror. EDITH It seems quite wonderful. MRS. BLACKWELL (Confused.) What? EDITH His descent. No wonder there isn t much left, now that he has arrived at the bottom. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, dear, we are wasting so much time, and I don t know what to say to you how to appeal 72 THE TITLE-MART ACT n to you. Young girls know so little of life, are so slow to see where their advantage and happiness lies. And, until very lately, we ve always been so bourgeois in America. We have always al lowed silly, youthful inclinations to govern that most important of all matters marriage. Now my dear (Looking meaningly at EDITH.) there s no use mincing things. Lord Tredbury has come over here to get a wife. EDITH I should never have guessed it! Are there none left in England? MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, this bitterness is very unnatural at your age. Lord Tredbury is doing quite the usual and honorable thing. In order to keep up an aristocracy, you know, there must be money. EDITH And the way the money is obtained makes no particular difference. His ancestors fought for it, he marries for it. Both are equally dangerous. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 73 MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, if you only could be brought to realize your opportunity. Tredbury is half in love with you already I can see that. And he is every thing that could be desired in a husband im posing, and all that, and you know, it isn t at all good form to have brains nowadays. EDITH I shouldn t allow brains to interfere if I loved him, Grace. MRS. BLACKWELL (Interrupting.) Love ! Oh, my dear, that isn t necessary in a modern marriage, when one need never see any thing of one s husband. (Approaching PEPYS, and calling to him.) Larry, I want to show you the new terra-cotta vases which came to-day. (Exit, with PEPYS, upper Right, as BARKING, in evening clothes, enters lower Left.) EDITH (Remaining seated, and looking up to him quizzically, but calmly.) Well? 74 THE TITLE-MART ACT n BARKING (Obviously nervous: putting in his eyeglass.) I say, what a jolly place, you know ! EDITH It doesn t seem very jolly just now. BARKING What do you mean? EDITH (With a swift look.) It s rather quiet, just you and I. Isn t it? BARKING Ah, delightfully so. (Goes over and sits near her.} You have such er a bewitching way of putting things, Miss Blackwell. I m awfully glad I came. EDITH (Abruptly.} Poor Mr. Barking. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 75 BARKING (Starting and dropping his eyeglass.} Why do you say that? EDITH Because I feel it. It was mean to leave him alone on the landing. BARKING (Relieved : laughing. ) I say, your stepmother gave him a beastly snub, didn t she? EDITH (Severely.) It seems to amuse you. If he were my friend, I should feel differently. BARKING (Laughs.) There is er there is a kind of a joke con nected with all this. I am sure you would laugh if you knew it. A deuced good joke on on Barking. EDITH (Gazing off, absently.) Oh, on Mr. Barking! 76 THE TITLE-MART ACT n BARKING (Looks at her suspiciously.) Certainly. Why not? EDITH What is the joke? BARKING Well er I came here, and he didn t. (Laughs heartily, suddenly looks at EDITH, and stops.) Don t you think it funny? EDITH (Gravely.) It must be your English sense of humor. BARKING I say, he d give his boots to be here with you. EDITH They looked very nice. What? BARKING (Mystified.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 77 EDITH His boots. BARKING I say, but you are jolly ! (Sits down near her.) I rather stole a march on him, you know. EDITH That remains to be seen. BARKING (Intensely.) I say, I ll tell you something. (Leans towards her.) I came because you were here. EDITH (Leaning towards him.) Do you know, I guessed it. BARKING (Enchanted.) Really, now. I I hoped you did. (A pause, as if making up his mind how to go on.) Er I say, Miss Blackwell er you don t care anything about titles, do you ? 7 8 THE TITLE-MART ACT n EDITH Why? BARKING You didn t strike me as a person who would. EDITH (Gazing at him.) I don t care anything about your title. BARKING (Starting.) Er I beg pardon. (Evidently reassured by her expression.) By jove, you have a subtle way of putting things. Er suppose now, merely for the sake of argu ment, I were not Lord Tredbury, but plain Mr. Barking EDITH It would make no difference to me. BARKING Eh ! By jove, wouldn t it? EDITH You would always be the same to me. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 79 BARKING I say, should I? How strange! From the moment I saw you, I have had the same feeling -er about you. Er Miss Blackwell no revelation I could make about myself would change er would change your feelings tow ards me? EDITH None. BARKING (Flustered.) I was about to say er coming back to this er Mr. Barking er his governor his father may have a title in the near future, which would descend to him. EDITH How interesting ! (Giving him a look.) But I am not especially interested in Mr. Barking. BARKING Er of course not. (Enter, Lejt, two powdered FOOTMEN, who begin to tidy up the porch. Enter, Right, MRS. BLACKWELL and MR. PEPYS.) 8o THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACK WELL (Looks at EDITH and BARKING with ap proval, and then coughs discreetly. BARKING starts away from EDITH and rises. EDITH does not move.) Edith, dear, aren t you dressed yet? But it never takes you long. Dear Lord Tredbury, you must excuse this camp. It is so primitive. We come here once a year to lead a simple life. We Americans are so restless, you know, we are just learning the value of repose. BARKING Er quite so. (Glancing at the FOOTMEN.) But er I shouldn t call this precisely primitive, my dear lady. MRS. BLACKWELL Of course, we have to have some comforts. By the way, Lord Tredbury, a dear friend of mine has arrived quite unexpectedly. You must know her Lady Marjorie Ticknor. She is in your set, of course. BARKING (EDITH watching him.) Er er Lady Marjorie Ticknor ! ACT II THE TITLE-MART 81 (EDITH rises and crosses over to PEPYS, whom she punches. PEPYS does not understand.) MRS. BLACKWELL Here she is now. (Enter LADY MARJORIE TICKNOR. She is per haps twenty-seven, tall, and the least trifle angular, a deject which she tries to overcome in her gowns, with the careless but engaging manners of one who has had to make her own way. MRS. BLACKWELL runs to her, kisses her on the cheek, which MARJORIE presents.) Dear Marjorie ! I m charmed to see you ! And to think of your telegraphing to Ead s Centre! My dear! I ve such a surprise for you. Here s Lord Tredbury! MARJORIE (Looking at BARKING through her lor gnette.) Lord Tredbury ! (Instantly perceiving that it is BARKING, she claps her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh, a muffled sound es caping. BARKING, agonized, bows, muttering, and puts in his monocle. 82 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACKWELL gazes mystified from one to the other, and EDITH, remaining seated in a corner of the porch, looks on in quiet but real delight.) MRS. BLACKWELL (Uneasily.) I hope you haven t quarrelled. You know him, of course. MARJORIE (Recovering.) Rather. (Goes over and takes the astounded BARK ING S hand. Nonchalantly, yet look ing at him with eyes full of amusement.) I heard you landed, Tredbury. By the way, you had somebody with you, didn t you? Oh, I know, it was a Mr. Barking. I ve listened to him in the House. Talks well, will make his mark, and all that. (Gazing around.) Where is he ? BARKING (Horribly embarrassed.) He er that is ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 83 MRS. BLACK WELL The fact is, Marjorie EDITH (Rising and crossing over: carelessly.) The fact is, that Grace snubbed him. MARJORIE Snubbed him ? Grace snubbed (Glances at BARKING, and puts her hand over her mouth to prevent another laugh escaping. MRS. BLACK WELL looks daggers.) EDITH Yes, for wrestling with me. MARJORIE Wrestling with you? EDITH That was partly the reason. MARJORIE Partly? 84 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACK WELL (Wildly.) Marjorie, I couldn t Edith ! (LADY MARJORIE pays no attention to MRS. BLACKWELL, but continues to look at EDITH through her lorgnette.) EDITH Yes. There was some objection about his being china. Grace said if he had been a brewer, it would have been different. But china I suppose she thought if I wrestled with him too much, he might smash. So she wouldn t invite him here, and left him on the landing. MARJORIE Oh! MRS. BLACKWELL (On the verge oj tears.) Dear Marjorie ! Edith is quite incorrigible, you know. I don t know what our young girls are coming to. She is mad about athletics, and I suppose she led this Mr. Barking on. I hadn t invited him here, and as Lord Tredbury (Indicating B ARKING . ) didn t seem to make a point of it I we came without him. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 85 MARJORIE (Laughing.) Quite so. MRS. BLACKWELL (Gaining confidence.) Besides, I had no reason to believe he wished to come. I imagine he is very comfortable at Tipton s. It is a commendable hotel. MARJORIE (Carelessly: dropping her lorgnette.) I daresay he is well enough off. I quite under stand. Of course, he may be Prime Minister some day. (BARKING starts violently. EDITH laughs.) MRS. BLACKWELL Really ! You don t mean it ! MARJORIE He is very clever quite a coming man. I believe we are much more democratic in England than you are. (Lifting her glasses, and gazing off over the lawn towards the lake.) What a wonderful country ! (Meaningly, to BARKING.) 86 THE TITLE-MART ACT n Come and talk to me, Tredbury. I haven t seen you for ages. (Barking joins her, and they go down Right. PEPYS, EDITH, and MRS. BLACK- WELL make another group, down Left.) MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, I ll never forgive you, never. I do every thing to get you on in the world, and you reward me by humiliation. Oh, what will Lady Marjorie think? You are always rude to her. EDITH (Watching BARKING and MARJORIE.) But you tell me it is good form to be rude, Grace. (Exit MRS. BLACKWELL, in a dudgeon, into the house.) PEPYS (Amused.) Poor Grace ! Edith, you must be inhabited by a sprite. And what were you punching me for? EDITH (Looking at him.) Larry, you re a very comfortable person. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 87 PEPYS Are you recalling the days when you used to sit on my lap? EDITH Not exactly. But I would just as soon do it now. I think it would be eminently safe. PEPYS It might be for you. EDITH Don t be a humbug. I can t help confiding in you. Larry no one can But you mustn t tell. PEPYS No. What is it ? EDITH (Pointing at BARKING.) Well, that isn t Lord Tredbury. (This conversation sinks into dumb show. From time to time PEPYS evinces signs of great merriment and surprise, due to what EDITH is telling him.) MARJORIE I ve often seen your name in the Morning Post, and wondered what you were like. 88 THE TITLE-MART ACT u BARKING How very odd ! I ve had the same experience. MARJORIE Do you know, it was very clever of you to think of this joke on the Blackwells, and rather daring to carry it out. I admire those qualities in a man. BARKING Do you think so ? By Jove ! Before you arrived I was on the point of telling them all about it. MARJORIE Really? Why? BARKING (Glancing at EDITH.) Er I had er qualms of conscience, and that sort of thing, you know. MARJORIE My dear Mr. Barking, aren t you oversensi tive? Why, the situation is "killing," as our American friends would say. An eager and ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 89 scheming heiress, a more eager and scheming stepmother, and you as Lord Tredbury. (Touching him on the arm.) What could be more delightful ! BARKING What, by Jove ? MARJORIE (With a side glance.) Do you know, I believe you are something of a devil. Haven t I heard tales? BARKING Well er I ve had my fling, of course, Lady Marjorie. MARJORIE That s what you men call it a fling. Well, this is a master-stroke. BARKING (Flattered.) Do you really think so? MARJORIE (Tapping him.) Oh, I knew you were quite Satanic, let us say, the moment I laid eyes on you. 90 THE TITLE-MART ACT n BARKING I say, but you are clever er to have recog nized me, and all that sort of thing. MARJORIE Recognize you! I listened a whole hour in the Ladies Gallery of the House to a speech of yours once, enthralled. And when I was con fronted with you to-day, as Lord Tredbury, I saw at once what had happened, with your repu tation for doing bright things and all that. It was not very clever of me. BARKING Er I think it was deuced clever if you don t mind. MARJORIE I don t mind. And what deviltry is Tredbury up to? You and he are two of a sort, I rather think. BARKING Oh, he got your letter. MARJORIE Did he read it? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 91 BARKING Yes. And by the way, he said there were ahem some rather nice things about me in it. MARJORIE Yes? (Hastily.) There were. I hope he didn t show them to you. BARKING Oh, no! (A pause. Then he laughs.) I say, Tredbury thinks Miss Blackwell is Dotty Davenport, the actress. MARJORIE How did he get that notion? BARKING I told him. Miss Blackwell looks quite a bit like Dotty, you know. And er I believe you described her to Tredbury as unattractive hoi- denish something of that sort. MARJORIE Yes. When you know her better you will see what I mean. Well? 92 THE TITLE-MART ACT n BARKING Well, he called her Miss Davenport, and she fell into the joke, and he thinks she is visiting here with Miss Blackwell. MARJORIE What a situation ! (Laughs.) What a joke on every one but (Looking up at him.) you and me. BARKING By jove, that s so ! But how will it end ? That s what I want to know. MARJORIE (Tapping him.) You mischievous man ! You are playing your part magnificently. I ll do mine, never fear. (Their conversation sinks into dumb show.) EDITH "Hoidenish unattractive -- impossible," I have the letter here. (Shows it.) You ought to hear what she says about him in it. (Indicating BARKING.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 93 PEPYS Edith, you re too much for me. What are you going to do about all this? EDITH Nothing. Just let things happen. (Enter MRS. BLACKWELL, lower Left. She glances at MARJORIE and BARKING through her lorgnette.) PEPYS (To EDITH.) Things are likely to happen. I m I m coming back. (Exit, MR. PEPYS, upper Left.) MRS. BLACKWELL (To EDITH.) Can she be making love to him? EDITH Possibly. It s quite easy. MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, how do you know? (Across to MARJORIE.) I m so glad you have found a friend, dear. 94 THE TITLE-MART ACT n EDITH It is extraordinary. MARJORIE (Suppressing laughter.) Lord Tredbury has been most amusing. I I think it must be the climate. MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, you must dress. We are dining at the Grant Townsends. I hope Lord Tredbury will amuse me. (At this moment, a young REPORTER with a hand camera enters, upper Right, and approaches the party. All turn to look at him, MRS. BLACK- WELL and LADY MARJORIE through lorgnettes, BARKING through his monocle. The young man has a keen, eager jace, is dressed in a sack suit and felt hat, white collar, etc. He comes on, undaunted by the stares.) How did this person get in? I ve given the strictest orders to allow no tourists in the grounds. REPORTER (Approaching undaunted, and singling out BARKING.) Am I addressing Lord Tredbury? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 95 BARKING (Glancing fearfully at MRS. BLACK- WELL.) Er really I REPORTER (Coolly.) Thank you. I thought so. (EDITH laughs.) BARKING (Taking a step back.) But I haven t said so. REPORTER It isn t necessary. Glad to make your acquaint ance. My name is Clarkson, of the New York Republic. (Takes a step forward, draws a card from his pocket, and holds it out to BARKING.) BARKING (Gases at the card helplessly through his glass, and takes a step backward.) Thanks very much, but er I don t think I care for it, you know. 96 THE TITLE-MART ACT n REPORTER (With an injured but brisk air, restores the card to his pocket.) I hope you don t mind answering a few ques tions, the public is interested in the titled Englishmen who come to our shores. MRS. BLACKWELL May I ask how you got here, Mr. Mr. ? REPORTER Clarkson. Certainly. I came from New York this morning. I am always sent on these impor tant stories. On Wednesday I went to Phila delphia on the Oliver divorce scandal, yesterday there was a sensational murder in New Jersey, and to-day came a telegram that Lord Tredbury had left Tipton s Hotel to visit you. MRS. BLACKWELL Really, I can t allow Lord Tredbury to be annoyed. The English aristocracy do not under stand this sort of thing. (To BARKING.) Dear Lord Tredbury, under our unfortunate - Constitution I suppose you would call it ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 97 we have no rights of privacy. Alas, we have no court journal, no nice dignified Morning Post, or anything of that sort. (To REPORTER: with hauteur.) You may say that Lord Tredbury and Lady Marjorie Ticknor are my guests, that we are dining to-night, most informally, with Mr. and Mrs. Grant Townsend. REPORTER (Writing rapidly: to BARKING.) But surely you wouldn t mind telling the read ers of the Republic the object of your journey to this country, Lord Tredbury? BARKING I assure you, my dear fellow, I am here with no er mysterious object whatsoever. Just for a visit. (Looks from one to the other of the group, as ij in vindication.) Just for a visit. (EDITH laughs.) MRS. BLACK WELL Just for a visit. H 98 THE TITLE-MART ACT n REPORTER (Persistently.) There is a rumor that Cupid is responsible for the visit. BARKING Oh, I say ! EDITH How wicked of Cupid! MRS. BLACKWELL (Horror-struck.) Edith ! REPORTER (Smiling.) Cupid brings a great many of the British aris tocracy to our shore, Miss Blackwell. And, it is said that we Americans, too, are gradually acquir ing an aristocracy. EDITH I suppose you mean that we are acquiring the English aristocracy. (The REPORTER laughs. MRS. BLACK- WELL, LADY MARJORIE, and BARKING have fallen into various attitudes.) ACT II THE TITLE-MART 99 MRS. BLACKWELL (On tenterhooks.) Edith, you must go and dress at once. (To REPORTER.) And I must ask you to excuse us, Mr. Mr. EDITH (To REPORTER.) I should merely say that Lord Tredbury appeared greatly embarrassed when the question was put to him, and remarked that his visit had no mysterious object whatever. REPORTER (Writing rapidly.) You would make a success as a journalist, Miss Blackwell. BARKING Oh, by jove, you aren t writing that ! LADY MARJORIE This is becoming painful, I should say. Grace, I think I ll take a turn with with Tredbury before dinner. MRS. BLACKWELL Edith is so mischievous, you must pardon her. Oh, if John were only here ! He is never here ioo THE TITLE-MART ACT n when I want him, and always when I don t. I ll get Larry Pepys. (Exit into the house, Left. BARKING and MARJORIE cross over, Right. As they are about to exit the REPORTER slips down on the grass and levels his camera at them. Just as he is about to snap them, EDITH, who is beside him, by a dejt Jiu Jitsu movement throws him oft his balance, and very nearly upsets him. MARJORIE and BARKING exit, lower Right, without seeing this.) EDITH (Calmly.) I don t think I d take pictures if I were you, Mr. Clarkson. REPORTER (Regaining his feet, ruffled and aston ished. Staring at her, rubbing his shoulder.) Did you do that? EDITH Yes. REPORTER You? EDITH Yes. There s no one else here to do it. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 101 REPORTER (Staring.) Great Scott ! How in how did you do it ? EDITH It s very simple only one has to be a little careful not to break the other person s collar bone. REPORTER To break (Rubs his shoulder.) I I feel as if a paving block had hit me. EDITH I m sorry. I tried to be as gentle as I could. REPORTER Gentle ! (Begins to laugh, admiringly.) I don t care to get into trouble with you, Miss Blackwell. EDITH (Calmly.) It won t be necessary, I hope. REPORTER Won t be necessary ! 102 THE TITLE-MART ACT n EDITH Not if you do what I tell you. You mustn t publish anything about myself or my family, or about Lord Tredbury. REPORTER But what am I to say to my paper? EDITH Telegraph them that you were unexpectedly injured in the performance of your duty. Go back to the village, and if there is any news, I promise you you shall have it. Good-by, Mr. Clarkson. REPORTER (Admiringly.} Well, I ll risk it, for you. I ll call to-morrow. (As he exits, upper Left, PEPYS saunters in, Right.} PEPYS Hello, Edith, not dressed yet? Your father and Hiram Peters have just driven up with a bunch of game cocks, and if I m not mistaken, your father has the real Tredbury with him. (Looks around, Left.) They are coming now. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 103 EDITH (Laughing.) I must go, Larry, remember I m an actress for the present, unless he has found out from Dad. PEPYS (Waves his hand, laughing.) All right. You re a vixen. (Exit EDITH, lower Right. Enter, upper Right, from behind the corner of the house, MR. BLACK WELL in his linen duster, LORD TREDBURY, and HIRAM PETERS, followed by a powdered FOOTMAN holding out gin gerly a small coop of game cocks. During the following scene, TRED BURY peers around into the house, as if looking for EDITH.) MR. BLACKWELL (To TREDBURY.) Here we are, Mr. Barking. Make yourself at home; this is my house. Come on, Hiram. (To PEPYS.) Hello, Larry, I want you to know Mr. Barking. Mr. Barking, Mr. Pepys. (The two men shake hands, PEPYS smiling slightly with quiet amuse ment.) 104 THE TITLE-MART ACT n You know Hiram Peters, the sheriff of Carroll County. (PETERS and PEPYS shake hands.) Hiram and I were pals before any of this torn- foolishness was ever dreamed of. This isn t what we used to call a camp, eh Hiram ? Used to fancy chickens then, too. I guess that s the only youthful passion we ve got left. HIRAM (Solemnly: awed by his surroundings.) The child s the father of the man, John. (All this time the FOOTMAN is gravely but gingerly holding the crate. HIRAM peers into it.) MR. BLACKWELL Well, Larry, I drove around by the wharf, and there was Mr. Barking, and night coming on. Grace left him there stranded. What do you think of that ? (PEPYS makes a comical gesture.) It s a good thing I reserved one wing of this "camp" for my own guests. I don t care a doughnut whether they ve got titles or not. (Putting his hand on TREDBURY S shoulder.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 105 I said to him, "Just jump into the buggy between Hiram and me, and come up, and you needn t ever see Mrs. Blackwell and her house parties." My guests generally don t. What s the house party doing to-night, Larry? PEPYS Going to dine at the Townsends , I believe. MR. BLACKWELL That s good that s capital. We ll have the place to ourselves and dine out here on this porch. What do you say ? TREDBURY Splendid ! MR. BLACKWELL (To FOOTMAN.) Here, you, just tell the butler to set the table for two out here, right away. FOOTMAN Very good, sir. (Sets down the crate, and exits, Left.) io6 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MR. BLACKWELL I never can get used to these flunkeys. Lord, Larry, didn t he look funny with that crate of chickens? Eh, Hiram? HIRAM (Shaking his head.} Wahn t what you d call a natural affinity. (Picks up the chicken coop.} Guess I ll take em along out to the barns. I reckon if your wife was to find me here, on the porch, she d get tarin mad. MR. BLACKWELL Hold on, Hiram, I ll go with you. I m afraid those cocks might accidentally get to fighting, and you know I won t have that. (Enter BUTLER and FOOTMAN to set the table. To FOOTMAN.) When Mr. Barking gets ready to go up, show him to the room next to mine. FOOTMAN Very good, sir. (Exit HIRAM, carrying the chickens, and MR. BLACKWELL.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 107 PEPYS (Handing his cigarette case.) Have a cigarette Mr. Barking. TREDBURY (Looks at him keenly, but with a slight smile.) Thanks very much. (BUTLER and FOOTMAN busy themselves setting the table.) PEPYS (After a pause, which is a trifle awk ward, both men lighting cigarettes.) Pretty place, isn t it? TREDBURY Ah, very - (A pause.) Do you happen to know whether Miss Dotty Davenport is staying here? Mr. Blackwell didn t seem to know much about her. He says he doesn t ever see his wife s guests. (Exit BUTLER and FOOTMAN, having set the table.) - I0 8 THE TITLE-MART ACT n PEPYS (Trying to be solemn.) Ahem! (Aside.) What the devil am I to say - (Peers ofj Left: relieved.) I believe there is some one coming. Excuse me. (Strolls off to upper Right and looks over balustrade toward the lake, TRED- BURY looking ajlcr him, as EDITH enters, Lejt, dressed in a very simple dinner gown.) TREDBURY (Turning quickly.) Ah, there you are ! I was just trying to find out from that chap if you were here. EDITH If I was here? TREDBURY I thought you might have been chaffing me; Mr. Blackwell didn t seem to know much about you. I came up to see you, you know. EDITH How in the world did you get here? ACT II THE TITLE-MART 109 TREDBURY Oh, Mr. Blackwell had pity on me. He s a deuced good sort. He brought a sheriff up with him and they talked chickens all the way. It seems he picks his own guests without regard to er EDITH Titles? TREDBURY (Laughing.) He seems to have some such prejudice. EDITH Aren t you afraid of Mrs. Blackwell? TREDBURY I m to keep on the other side of the house, you know. But when am I to see you? EDITH I ll give you a piece of advice. Don t let Mrs. Blackwell see you here to-night, at all events. TREDBURY If you like, of course. But why? i io THE TITLE-MART ACT n EDITH She d be very angry with me. And I m - on her side of the house, you know. If you see any one coming, you must run. TREDBURY (Indicating PEPYS.) How about that chap? EDITH Mr. Pepys. Oh, he s in my confidence. He s an old friend. TREDBURY Nothing more? EDITH Of course not. TREDBURY I say when shall I see you ? Wouldn t it be jolly if I were to dine here, (Indicates table.) with you, instead of the old party? EDITH Very, but I think you are rather cool to come up after you ve been snubbed. What would you have done if if Mr. Blackwell hadn t found you? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART in TREDBURY Oh, I should have managed. Tell me, when am I to see you? EDITH I ll come to the window and wave to you once in a while. You ll have a very good time with the "old party." He plays golf, you know, and you might teach him Jiu Jitsu. Good-by. TREDBURY Good-by? EDITH Yes. Some one s coming, you must go. TREDBURY Where? EDITH To to your own wing. TREDBURY But when am I to see you? EDITH Never if you don t obey me. Come, I ll show you the way. H2 THE TITLE-MART ACT n (Exit, upper Left, followed by TREDBURY. Enter, lower Left, BARKING and MAR- JORIE.) BARKING But I say, the beastly freedom of these chaps. I didn t at all count on having a reporter. MARJORIE (Interrupting.) You dealt with him very cleverly. I can im agine you treating aspirants for office like that when (Looking up at him.) you are Prime Minister. BARKING Prime Minister, I say; I can t quite tell you what a strange effect you have on me, Lady Marjorie. You quite make me tingle with er ambition. (Enter, Left, EDITH and MRS. BLACKWELL, and MR. PEPYS comes forward.) MRS. BLACKWELL Dear Marjorie, have you got a shawl? (Seeing the table set.) Who s going to dine here? (EDITH laughs, and looks at PEPYS.) ACT H THE TITLE-MART 113 EDITH Dad has Hiram Peters with him. MRS. BLACKWELL (Sighing.) Hiram Peters! John has the most senseless ideas of equality. To think of dining here with Hiram Peters. EDITH I wish I were going to, he s much more in teresting than Grant Townsend. MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, you re positively anarchistical. Why did you put on that gown? It makes you look like a village belle. And where are your pearls? (Sighs.) EDITH I m going to paddle Lord Tredbury across the lake. You may go in the launch. MRS. BLACKWELL (Mollified.) I suppose you wouldn t be happy unless you were exercising. And it will be a new experience ii4 THE TITLE-MART ACT n for Lord Tredbury an Adirondack canoe at sunset. Don t be late ! (Exit, Lejt, MRS. BLACKWELL, PEPYS, MARJORIE.) EDITH You seem to be quite intimate with Lady Marjorie. BARKING (Aside.) By jove, she s jealous ! (Aloud.) Yes, I ve always been fond of er of Mar jorie, you know. (Lights a cigarette.) EDITH Interesting if true ! But let s go down to the lake. If you have any money in your pockets, take it out and put it in your lap. BARKING I say, would you mind telling me the reason? EDITH And, by the way, don t smoke your cigarette on one side, even for an instant. I hope you swim well. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 115 BARKING Oh, by jove, is it as bad as that ? EDITH Then you could rescue me. Wouldn t that be romantic? The lake is fed by springs, and the water s deliciously cold. (Enter BUTLER and FOOTMAN.) BARKING If I d known that now, I d have worn a bathing suit. (Laughs confidently.) I think I can manage a canoe I used to row a bit at Oxford, you know. (Exit EDITH, upper Lejt, followed dubi ously by BARKING.) FOOTMAN (Setting dishes at a side table.) I s y, Stetson, e s a rum one for a lord, e is. E ain t got no cornets nor nothin on is shirts. An the other one, Mister Barking, did you ear im a-callin of Miss Edith Dotty Davenport? n6 THE TITLE-MART ACT n BUTLER She s allus up to some devilment, Lord bless er. If it wasn t for er, I wouldn t stay in this ouse a blessed minute. (Enter, Right, MR. BLACKWELL and at the same time, Le}t y LORD TREDBURY.) MR. BLACKWELL Oh, here you are, Barking ! Sit down. (Sits down at table, and waves TREDBURY to a seat opposite.) Well, this is cosey, ain t it, all by ourselves, with that cussed house party out of the way? (BUTLER and FOOTMAN begin to serve TREDBURY Very. MR. BLACKWELL That s right. These house parties never turn over till ten, and then some of em breakfast in bed, a slovenly habit, sir. I always got up early shouldn t be where I am now if I hadn t. This place is glorious in the morning, sir, glorious. We ll breakfast here about seven o clock, sav. How does that strike you? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 117 TREDBURY Delightful ! MR. BLACKWELL Good. At seven-fifteen my buggy will be at the door and I ll show you this country. We ll make a day of it. I ll drive you over to Ead s Centre, and let you see the house where I was born. TREDBURY You re very kind. MR. BLACKWELL Not at all. Then we ll go to Walker s Corners, and I ll show you where I made my first start in life, sweeping out a store. Store s there yet. I daresay your own father began that way. TREDBURY You mustn t have me on your mind, you know. I m quite content here er keeping out of the way of the house party. MR. BLACKWELL Glad to do it. I want you to enjoy yourself. You found your room all right did Stetson show you? ii8 THE TITLE-MART ACT n TREDBURY Miss Davenport showed me. I am next to you, I think. MR. BLACKWELL Who the devil is this Miss Davenport, and how did she know? (BUTLER and FOOTMAN turn their backs to laugh.) TREDBURY She appeared somewhat familiar with your side of the house. MR. BLACKWELL (With vehemence.) I never saw the woman, sir; I give you my word I never saw her. TREDBURY (Polite, but unbelieving.) I found the view very fine from my window. MR. BLACKWELL I d like to know what this Davenport woman has got to do with my rooms. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 119 TREDBURY I think that she, too, rather liked the view from that side. MR. BLACKWELL She s a designing hussy, sir, I warn you to be careful. But you won t have much chance to see her. I confess I don t grasp the principle on which these house parties are made up, an actress, a lord who hasn t anything but mortgages to his name, and I daresay wants to marry my daughter. By thunder, he shan t have her, sir. A plain business man, such as you, sir, is good enough for me. I ve heard all my life of your father s china plant, and I ve a great admiration for any one who can build up such a concern. I d like to know something of the details of the business. I suppose it s incorporated? TREDBURY Oh, yes, thoroughly incorporated. MR. BLACKWELL What is the amount of your capital? TREDBURY The fact is, I don t quite remember. 120 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MR. BLACKWELL (Swallowing.) Don t remember? TREDBURY You see, I m er in Parliament. My father rather wanted me to be a public man. MR. BLACKWELL A great mistake. I d have put you in the busi ness. Now, for instance (Exit BUTLER, and enter, Right, in a leisurely fashion, HIRAM.) Why, Hiram, I thought you d gone home. Changed your mind? That s good. Sit right down here and have some dinner. HIRAM No, I didn t come for that. Say, John, that little black and red cock we both liked has got kinder mixed up with the mottled one. MR. BLACKWELL (Jumping^) What? HIRAM Thought ye might be interested. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 121 MR. BLACKWELL How long has this been going on ? Excuse me, Mr. Barking, I ll be back presently. (Exit, precipitately, Right, carrying his napkin.) HIRAM Kinder thought he d like to know. (They both look after him. It is now deep twilight. Unperceived by either of them, BARKING, dripping, bedrag gled, wet to the skin, carrying his coat, passes along the terrace back of the loggia, from Right to Lejt, and disappears.) You don t seem to take much to chickens, Mr. Barking. (Exit Right. TREDBURY sits down. Voices and a commotion are heard within the house, off Left, and enter EDITH, lower Left. TREDBURY rises in astonishment. Enter, Left, BUTLER and FOOTMAN, showing signs of mer riment.) EDITH Isn t it too bad ? Lord Tredbury fell into the lake, 122 THE TITLE-MART ACT n (Ingenuously.} and there s no way of my keeping my dinner en gagement at the Townsends . They re telephon ing. TREDBURY Tredbury has fallen into the lake ! EDITH Oh, I fished him out with the paddle. You see he was so sure that he could manage a canoe that I let him get in first. Perhaps I shouldn t have done it. He s gone up to change his clothes. I m afraid they re ruined, and he can t afford to get any more, poor man; his tailors won t give him any more credit. (Glancing at the vacant seat.} May I have some dinner? I m famished. (Sits down in MR. BLACKWELL S chair, opposite to TREDBURY s, and BUTLER hands her a dish.} TREDBURY (Transported.} Mr. Blackwell s called away to a cock fight. I hope it lasts forever. EDITH A cock fight? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 123 TREDBURY Providence, assisted, I suspect, by Hiram, has mixed up the black and red game cock with the mottled one. By jove, Dotty, Providence has been more than decent to shuffle off Tredbury into the lake, too, and transform me from an out cast on a wharf into Aladdin s palace, dining with you. (Hysteric signs of merriment from the BUTLER and FOOTMAN. TREDBURY lifts his glass.) Let s drink to the absent. EDITH (Looking at him critically.) You re cleverer than I thought you were. Of course, that isn t saying a great deal. TREDBURY (To the BUTLER.) Fill Miss Davenport s glass. (BUTLER has a spasm.) EDITH I don t care for wine, it puts one rather out of condition. But we might send some up to Lord Tredbury. I hope he won t take cold after his wetting. 124 THE TITLE-MART ACT n TREDBURY (Laughing joyfully.) It serves him jolly well right. (Looking at her admiringly.) Ton my word, Dotty, I believe you did it on purpose. EDITH (Coolly.) Did what? TREDBURY Doused him. (Leaning forward.) I believe you did, so that we two could have an evening together. By jove, I d like to have seen him pitching into the water. How did you manage it? EDITH By letting him do it himself. That s all one has to do with men they ll drown themselves if one only provides the water (Looking across at him.) or the wine. TREDBURY You ll catch it rather when Mrs. Blackwell comes home and finds out that you ve wet Lord Tredbury. (Laughs.) ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 125 EDITH Well, I hope the water didn t hurt his title any. That s the main thing, and it s still here. Water doesn t harm titles, does it? TREDBURY (Laughing.) Mr. Blackwell was awfully squeamish about your showing me to my room. EDITH Who told him? TREDBURY I had to, he asked me. By the way, I said you seemed to know quite a bit about his side of the house, and he swore by all things he d never heard of you. The old chap was quite worked up, vowed he took no stock in the noblemen and actresses and all that sort of trash his wife had here. What are you laughing at now? EDITH I m very fond of Mr. Blackwell. TREDBURY (Annoyed.) Do you know, I thought he was foxing. He protested too much. But really, I can t see what 126 THE TITLE-MART ACT n there is in the old boy to attract you. He s a good sort, and all that, of course. EDITH (Calmly.) I love him TREDBURY (Starting back in his chair.) Oh, come now, Miss Davenport EDITH as a father, of course. TREDBURY (Incredulously.) Why does he deny it? EDITH He probably thought you might doubt the quality of my affection. He ll be back presently, and then TREDBURY And then EDITH I ll prove it. (The servants put the coffee on the table and exit, Left.) ACT II THE TITLE-MART 127 I have a piece of news for you. You had better be careful, Mr. Barking Lady Marjorie s here. TREDBURY (Starting.) Marjorie here ! Marjorie ! You say she s here. How the how did she get here ? EDITH She came by way of Ead s Centre, I believe. You seem to be quite intimate with her, in spite of the fact that she only saw you once when everybody was leaving and all that. Are you quite sure that there hasn t been some little affair? How am I to know she wasn t deceiving Lord Tredbury? TREDBURY Ton my word, Dotty, there s nothing of that kind. Oh, I swear it. Nothing of that kind. I wouldn t marry her not if she were the granddaughter of all the royalties in Europe. Don t you believe me? EDITH Well, I ve seen her, and that makes me rather inclined to. I don t like your calling her by her first name. 128 THE TITLE-MART ACT n TREDBURY It was only because, well because Tredbury does. What a nasty, characteristic thing for Marjorie to do to leave Newport and come here. What the deuce could have put her up to it ? EDITH Her hosts moved out, I suppose. I believe you re afraid of her. TREDBURY I? Oh, no. Where is she now? EDITH She s gone to dine at the Grant Townsends . TREDBURY Would you mind telling me what happened when Tredbury met her? EDITH Well, she seemed rather surprised TREDBURY Did she, eh? And he? ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 129 EDITH He seemed considerably surprised. That was all. They talked awhile, and if I remember rightly Lady Marjorie said a number of pleasant things to Tredbury about you. That you were to be Prime Minister some day. TREDBURY (Breaking into laughter.) Prime Minister ! (Suddenly becoming sober.) Oh, did she? Nice of her, I m sure. Don t let s talk about her any more, time s too short. Dotty, how long are you going to stop with Mrs. Blackwell? EDITH Oh, indefinitely. How long are you going to stop with Mr. Blackwell? TREDBURY Until he puts me out. I m afraid that ll be rather soon when he finds out what great friends we are. Do you know, Dotty, I ve never had precisely the same feeling about any one that I have about you. We ve the same sense of humor, and all that. (Earnestly.) Could you care for me if I didn t have any money ? 130 THE TITLE-MART ACT n EDITH (Thoughtfully.) I haven t enough imagination to answer. The question is : Could you care for me if you didn t have any money ? That s always what a woman wants to know. TREDBURY Dotty since I met you, since EDITH Since you wrestled with me. TREDBURY I m not jesting. Since I met you, you ve Dotty the whole world has changed. (He reaches across the table for her hand. She withdraws it.) Dotty, listen! Since I met you to-day you ve become everything to me. What are you think ing of? EDITH I m wondering what you had before that. TREDBURY Oh! ACT II THE TITLE-MART 131 EDITH (Critically: looking at him.} There are many things about you I don t approve of. TREDBURY What? EDITH Well, first of all, your passion for actresses. TREDBURY Ah, but it isn t a passion for actresses, you know. I scarcely know how to describe it. I should have the same feelings if you were er EDITH An heiress? TREDBURY (Starting.) Why do you say that? (Laughs.) Well, yes, only if you were. an heiress, you d be EDITH Unattractive, hoidenish, impossible ! i 3 2 THE TITLE-MART ACT n TREDBURY Instead of the dearest little girl in the world. EDITH I don t like being called little. TREDBURY (Leaning forward.) The old chap will be coming back now and making a row. When can I see you? He wants to take me off at some beastly hour to morrow morning to Ead s Corners, or some place like that, in his buggy, to show me the spot where he was born. I believe he wants to keep me away from you. I wonder what he d say if he knew? EDITH Knew what? TREDBURY How much I cared for you. EDITH (Glancing off, Right, across the lawn, and rising.) Here he comes now. We might ask him. ACT II THE TITLE-MART 133 TREDBURY (Rising: alarmed.) Dotty, what the deuce are you going to do? (Enter, upper Right, MR. BLACKWELL in his shirt- sleeves, carrying his coat. He pauses when he sees EDITH, who runs to him, and they talk at the back 0} the stage in dumb show for a moment. MR. BLACKWELL pats EDITH on the cheek and exits, upper Lejt.) EDITH (Returning and resuming her seat: calmly.) He ll be down presently. I told him I d eaten his dinner, but he doesn t seem to care. He says there is plenty more, and that the mottled bird won. TREDBURY (Agitatedly.) Dotty, I don t at all like his tapping your cheek. You er don t know these old chaps as well as I do. EDITH (Laughing.) I know this "old chap" better than you do. 134 THE TITLE-MART ACT n TREDBURY (Sulkily: sitting down.} Of course it s none of my affair, but why did he tell me he didn t know you ? He s a sly old fox. I think he knows you rather well. (EDITH laughs.) I can t make him out. He didn t seem to mind my being here with you. (Leaning forward.) See here, Dotty, he ll be coming back, now. When shall I see you? Can t you see that I m mad about you ? EDITH Yes, I can see it. TREDBURY I m quite ready to chuck everything and stay in America and follow you round. EDITH What would you chuck? TREDBURY (Laughing.) China, I suppose. EDITH If you chuck china, it breaks, doesn t it ? ACT THE TITLE-MART 135 TREDBURY Dotty, listen! Why do you torment me? (Reaching for her hand.) I love you - (Enter MRS. BLACKWELL, upper Left, and comes around behind TREDBURY. The lights are burning very low on the table, and when MRS. BLACKWELL sees TREDBURY reaching for EDITH S hand, she pauses and coughs at some distance behind him, mistaking him for BARK ING.) MRS. BLACKWELL Well, here you are. You got word in time that Adelaide s grand-aunt died. I supposed you had. We went all the way over there, and the butler met us at the landing with the telegram in his hand, and we haven t had any dinner, and we re almost starved. Dear Lord Tredbury, I m so glad you weren t put to such inconvenience. TREDBURY (Rising, greatly flustered.) Er thanks. I ve dined quite comfortably, thanks. (An expression of horror crosses MRS. BLACKWELL S face when she recog nizes him, and she backs away.) We had er just reached the coffee. 3 6 THE TITLE-MART ACT II MRS. BLACKWELL (Ignoring him her -voice shaking with anger: to EDITH.) Where is Lord Tredbury? EDITH (Calmly. ) The last I heard of him, he was changing his clothes. MRS. BLACKWELL Changing his clothes? EDITH Yes. He got wet. It didn t hurt his title any. He was quite careless getting into the canoe. (TREDBURY laughs.) MRS. BLACKWELL (With inarticulate anger.) Oh! (Pushes an electric bell: turns to TRED BURY.) And what are you doing here, may I ask, sir? TREDBURY (Hugely embarrassed, glancing at EDITH.) Dining with Miss Davenport. ACT ii THE TITLE-MART 13? MRS. BLACKWELL With Miss Davenport? With whom? (Enter BUTLER.) TREDBURY (Waves his hand helplessly at EDITH.) With Miss Davenport. (BUTLER chokes.) MRS. BLACKWELL When I saw you ahem wrestling with Miss Blackwell, I had reason to suspect this afternoon, Mr. Barking, that you were not in your right mind. Now I am sure of it. At any rate, (Glancing at the champagne.) that is the more charitable view. TREDBURY (Petrified with horror.) Wrestling with with Miss Blackwell ! (Stares wildly at EDITH.) Are you are you (Collapses.) Oh, by jove ! 138 THE TITLE-MART ACT n MRS. BLACKWELL (To BUTLER.) Stetson, give his lordship my compliments, and say that I trust he feels no ill effects from his wetting. (Exit, lower Left, sweeping out.) EDITH I m sorry, but I m the unattractive person you read about. And I never acted in my life until to-night. (She drops him a courtesy, and exits, lower Left, TREDBURY staring after her.) CURTAIN ACT III SCENE. The drawing-room of Mr. Blackwel^s camp, ft is a large room, the wooden walls decorated with antlers, and finished in a very costly manner. It has a great, rough stone fireplace, middle Left, and a door on either side. Over the fireplace is a moose^s head. In the rear there are three long windows, like French windows. Beyond these can be seen the terrace with balustrade, like that in the second act, and the lake and mountains beyond. Between two of the windows is a dainty writ ing desk. Down Right is a long table on which magazines and newspapers are arranged, and a telephone instru ment. There is another window at lower Right which is supposed to lead out on the loggia shown in the second act. TIME : About ten o clock in the morning following the preceding act. AT RISE : LADY MARJORIE is discovered looking languidly over the table of magazines, and STETSON, the butler, stands respectfully in the middle of the room. MARJORIE I don t see Truth. BUTLER We don t ave it in the house, your ladyship. 139 I4 o THE TITLE-MART ACT in MARJORIE I might have known it. Or La Vie Parisi- enne. BUTLER I beg pardon, me lady. MARJORIE Where are the French papers? BUTLER Please, me lady, they are in Mrs. BlackwelFs room. MARJORIE (Picking up a silver cigarette box.} Stetson, I don t at all like these cigarettes. (Puts one in her mouth, and STETSON lights it.} Can t you find Mr. Pepys? He has some good ones Melachrinos. BUTLER I ll try to find him, me lady. (Exit STETSON, lower Right. As he exits, TREDBURY is seen peering in through one o) the windows. He ACT in THE TITLE-MART 141 starts, utters an ejaculation, looks all around the room, and enters just as LADY MARJORIE is going to the desk, rear. They stop face to face.) TREDBURY (Exclaiming, indignantly. ) I say, Marjorie, I don t see why you came here. MARJORIE (Calmly.) The Windhams were leaving Newport; there didn t seem any other place to come. TREDBURY (Looking around cautiously.) Is any one else about? MARJORIE Whatever s the matter with you? TREDBURY (Fiercely.) Where s that ass ? MARJORIE You mean your china friend who is representing you for the time being, I suppose. He s been in 1 42 THE TITLE-MART ACT in bed since eight o clock last evening, and I think he s afraid to come down. Awfully clever of you to send him up in your place, Treddy. But you should have seen him when he first met me ! He had a frightful quart d heure. TREDBURY (Vehemently.) Confound him! Between the two of you, I shouldn t wonder if you d ruined my life. MARJORIE Rubbish ! (Sitting down: innocently.) What have I done? TREDBURY Why did you write me all that stuff about Miss Blackwell? MARJORIE Stuff? What did I say? Sit down, Treddy, and have a cigarette. There are some on the table. You might give me another; they re not very good. TREDBURY (Angrily: handing her the cigarettes.) No, thanks. You said Miss Blackwell was un- ACT in THE TITLE-MART 143 attractive, hoidenish, impossible. By jove, how could you? MARJORIE (Lighting cigarette from the other one: ingenuously.) Isn t she? I thought she was. Of course, men are not as good judges of the opposite sex as women. TREDBURY Impossible! Unattractive! She s quite the most attractive girl I ever met. MARJORIE Oh, come now, Treddy, you don t mean quite that. Aren t you a bit dazzled by her millions? TREDBURY (Angrily.) I thought she was an actress until last night. MARJORIE What made you change your opinion? TREDBURY Reggie told me she was an actress. Con founded clever of him! I must say that she played the part dashed well. 144 THE TITLE-MART ACT in MARJORIE (Laughing.) Then Reggie ain t such a fool as he looks. TREDBURY How is it all going to end? (Fiercely.) I want you to tell me that. MARJORIE You must be in love with her, or you wouldn t be hanging around here like an escaped lunatic. TREDBURY I want to see her, tell her I ve been an ass, and go away forever. MARJORIE It seems quite unnecessary, Treddy. (Laughs.) All you ve got to do is to fall on your knees, con fess you re Lord Tredbury, and she ll accept you before you have time to get up again. TREDBURY Accept me! She d do nothing of the sort. You re you re incapable of appreciating her. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 145 And do you think I d tell her who I am after what has happened? I d cut my tongue out first. I simply want to apologize like MARJORIE Like a china person. That s your role, isn t it ? TREDBURY Like a decent chap, and then get out. MARJORIE Where will you go? TREDBURY I don t know I don t care. MARJORIE Suppose you come to Lenox. I ll take your friend Barking there. TREDBURY (With jeeling.) I never want to see either of you again. (Stops, listens, and goes toward the windows in the rear.) 146 THE TITLE-MART ACT in MARJORIE Where are you going? TREDBURY I m I m not allowed in this part of the house. (Coming back, and addressing her in a tense voice.) I shouldn t at all wonder if you ve ruined my life. (Exit rapidly, through rear windows. MARJORIE sinks into a chair, and be gins to laugh. Enter MRS. BLACK- WELL, lower Left. She has a letter in her hand.) MRS. BLACKWELL Why, Marjorie dear, are you down? And it s only ten o clock. I hate the morning. You have such a sensible custom in England of not facing it till lunch time. All the worries and perplexities of one s life come in the morning, and now I ve had a letter from Sarah Hollingsworth that my cook is advertised on the billboards. It s the last straw, but I might have known that it would come. MARJORIE Your cook advertised on the billboards ! What in the world do you mean? ACT in THE TITLE-MART 14? MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, as using some kind of porridge, or breakfast food, as it is vulgarly called. Sally says that the first time she saw it was from a car window, on a huge board in a swamp. My name caught her eye : " Mrs. John Blackwell s cook uses Manna." Manna! Nothing is sacred in Amer ica, not even the Bible, and poor, dear Antoine, how he must relish being called a cook ! (Sighs.) That is one of the penalties of belonging to the aristocracy. MARJORIE It seems so strange to have an aristocracy in a Republic. Doesn t the Constitution, or the Declaration of Rights, or whatever you have, for bid it? MRS. BLACKWELL My dear, how very English you are ! Our aristocracy is founded on republican principles, and we have the right to be as arrogant as we choose. Any one who has sufficient discrimina tion and determination and sang-froid may belong. We are not encumbered by duties or responsibili ties, and we have a code of our own. 148 THE TITLE-MART ACT in MARJORIE It s magnificent, but is it an aristocracy? MRS. BLACKWELL Certainly. MARJORIE But there is no peerage or Almanac de Gotha. How is one to tell whether one belongs? MRS. BLACKWELL By the increased consideration one receives from people who profess not to believe in an aristocracy. MARJORIE Ah, I see. And having one s cook on the bill boards is an outward and visible sign, I suppose. MRS. BLACKWELL (Sighing.) I am not saying that we do not lack finish. We are a nation of barbarians, and we are suffering from morality. MARJORIE How very odd ! I thought it was an English trait. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 149 MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, we have it, too. What may one expect of a people who make a cult of that crudest of sensa tions, patriotism? Who keep Decoration Day and the Fourth of July, for instance? And our men seldom run off with other men s wives. MARJORIE It isn t necessary, any more. MRS. BLACKWELL Have you seen Lord Tredbury? (TREDBURY is seen peering in.) MARJORIE (Absently.) Yes. MRS. BLACKWELL (Turning: with interest.) He s come down? MARJORIE (Laughing.) What did I say ? Oh, no, I suppose he s still in bed. ISO THE TITLE-MART ACT in MRS. BLACKWELL (Coming back, towards MARJORIE.) I sent a footman twice to his room this morning he left his valet at Tipton s, you know. (Confidentially and tragically.) My dear Marjorie, nothing will convince me that Edith didn t upset him in the lake in order to come back and talk with that vulgar Barking. (With inspiration.) I ve an idea! Dear Marjorie, why wouldn t he do for you? MARJORIE Did you say that vulgar Barking? MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, well, you know, there s no getting around it, he is vulgar. He s done the most abominable things. Still, my dear, if he married you, you and the Duke could do wonders with him, and, of course, you needn t see a great deal of him. You tell me he has a career in Parliament. He is visiting Mr. Blackwell, you know, and I believe I ll invite him to my side of the house. (Sighs.) I invite so few of Mr. Blackwell s guests to see me. But, Marjorie, I really think you ought to consider him. You ll pardon me for speaking ACT in THE TITLE-MART 151 frankly, but the dear Duchess accomplishes such marvels by frankness. MARJORIE Invite him over by all means, Grace, if you like. MRS. BLACKWELL Dear Marjorie, do consider him. I do so want to see you happily settled. MARJORIE Dear Grace, how kind of you to consider me! (Enter, lower Left, EDITH.) EDITH Morning, Lady Marjorie. Hello, Grace ! (EDITH catches sight of TREDBURY as he dodges away from the window, but does not betray the fact that she sees him. He makes frantic signs for her to come out.) MRS. BLACKWELL (A little embarrassed.) Edith, I m thinking of asking Mr. Barking to visit me. (MARJORIE pretends to read.) 152 THE TITLE-MART ACT in EDITH But I thought you didn t like him. You ve been calling him vulgar and commercial and all sorts of things. Why this change of heart ? MRS. BLACKWELL (Nervously: glancing at MARJORIE.) Well, my dear, I suppose I was wrong, after all. (Sighing.) We must recognize the claims of commerce; we must admit that new blood is a good thing. Mr. Barking has behaved atrociously, but EDITH But you said of him, Grace, that one cannot make a silk purse out of baser materials. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, my dear, it doesn t make so much difference about the purse so long as it s full. Lady Mar- jorie says he will make a name for himself. EDITH Oh, I see ! (Glancing at LADY MARJORIE, who is pretending to read.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 153 Oh, of course, if you are inviting him on Lady Marjorie s account MARJORIE (Sweetly.) Pray don t consider me. I am sure / don t want him. MRS. BLACK WELL Dear Marjorie,you are so lacking in worldliness. (TREDBURY, who has been peering in, disappears behind the wall. MARJO- RIE S back is turned to him.) MARJORIE I have no interest in Mr. Barking whatever. EDITH An interest in him might be rather a good thing if it were paid quarterly. MRS. BLACKWELL (Laughing.) Like alimony. Really, Edith, you are too bad. You seem to have taken quite a fancy to him. 154 THE TITLE-MART ACT in EDITH (Glancing at MARJORIE.) There s quite a difference between wrestling with a man and marrying him. MRS. BLACKWELL I m delighted to hear you say so. (Suddenly catches herself: glancing at MARJORIE.) MARJORIE Oh, pray don t mind me, Grace. / have no intention of marrying him. EDITH Then, since Lady Marjorie doesn t want to marry him, why do you invite him? MARJORIE (Pretending to read: bitterly.) I suppose of course there is no other reason. MRS. BLACKWELL Well, of course, if neither of you want him, I don t. I m sure I should always draw the line at china. Only it wasn t very nice of you to ACT in THE TITLE-MART 155 trifle with him that way, Edith. I suppose you only did it to annoy me. (Sighing.) I am quite used to that. (TREDBURY peers in.) I am glad he offended you ; perhaps it will teach you a lesson. (Rising.) Dear Marjorie, I hope you are comfortable. The tea you ordered from New York will arrive to night. And isn t there any other little thing you would like? MARJORIE (Rising.) Perhaps if you would let me take the French papers from your room, and if you would lend me your secretary to answer my letters MRS. BLACKWELL Certainly, my dear, come with me. I do hope dear Lord Tredbury hasn t taken cold. Edith, I ll be down presently. I want to talk to you. EDITH Very well, I ll be here. I ve got to write to the vet, and I can t remember whether his name is Hoskins or Hawkins. You don t happen to know? 156 THE TITLE-MART ACT m MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, my dear, how should I know? (Exit, lower Left, followed by MAR- JORIE. EDITH goes to the desk and sits down. TREDBURY peers cau tiously in, looks around the room, enters, and stands be j ore EDITH.) EDITH (Who has the tip of her pen in her mouth.) Good morning. I thought you d gone off with Mr. Blackwell to see his birthplace. I m trying to write to the vet, and I can t remember whether his name is Hoskins or Hawkins. Which do you think is the more likely? TREDBURY Miss Blackwell, I ve come to say good-by to you. EDITH I supposed of course you d gone. TREDBURY I couldn t go without seeing you again. EDITH Isn t it rather warm to start now? ACT in THE TITLE-MART 157 TREDBURY Warm ! Did you say warm ? EDITH I thought you were to start at seven, Mr. Blackwell likes to get off early. TREDBURY Er the fact is, we did start at seven. I escaped. EDITH Escaped ! TREDBURY I ve been here three hours waiting for a chance to speak to you. To tell the truth, I ve been up practically all night. EDITH It doesn t sound practical, it sounds dissi pated. I hope my father didn t sit up with you. TREDBURY Sometime, perhaps, you ll understand. But I want to say that I made the mistake of my life. I 5 8 THE TITLE-MART ACT ill EDITH It must have been monumental. What is it? TREDBURY I can t tell you ; I should be a cad if I did. I don t blame you for despising me, Miss Black- wcll. You served me jolly well right, and I deserve it. And just a word : look out for that chap ; I can t tell you why, but look out for him. And I wouldn t have any more to do with Lady Marjorie than I could help. She s ruined my life. EDITH Not quite, I hope. TREDBURY (Taking a step nearer her.} I should like you to know before I leave that m y m y feeling for Miss Davenport was of the sincerest nature. Good-by ! EDITH Mr. Blackwell will be very much disappointed. TREDBURY I ve left him a line. The old boy is a trump - ACT in THE TITLE-MART 159 I beg your pardon your father s a good sort. I hated to do it. Some day you ll know why. (With more fervor.) Some day, perhaps, you ll forgive me. (A noise of some one approaching is heard off Right. TREDBURY looks anx iously in that direction. Holds out his hand.) Good-by Dotty ! (Goes swiftly to window, rear. Turn ing, and pointing up towards the ceil ing.) Don t marry that chap ! (Exit. EDITH goes to the window and looks after him. Enter, lower Right, HIRAM PETERS.) HIRAM How be you to-day, Edith? EDITH (Turning quickly.) Oh! Hello, Hiram! HIRAM Whar s the missus? She sent for me to see about gittin some help to have a wall built. 160 THE TITLE-MART ACT m EDITH She s upstairs. They send for you for every thing, don t they, Hiram? HIRAM I am a kind of a handy man. That and bein the sheriff keeps me purty busy. (Sadly.) But there ain t as many criminals in the county as there used to be. How s that ther fool lord this morning? EDITH I believe he s still in bed. HIRAM In bed! Well, I ll be jiggered! (Looks at his watch.) I don t take much stock in this here effete nobility. (An uneasy pause.) Say, Edith, I knowed you sence you was a little girl. You ain t a-going to marry him, be you? EDITH I don t think so. HIRAM Don t marry that torn-fool lord. If I had to ACT in THE TITLE-MART 161 marry one of them, I d take Barking, durned if I wouldn t. EDITH (Going up to HIRAM, pushing back his coat, and taking hold of the shield on his waistcoat.) Hiram, would you arrest anybody if I asked you to? HIRAM Guess I would! Anybody done anything? EDITH That Mr. Barking you were speaking of is about to make his escape. HIRAM I ll be jiggered. He was a nice appearin feller. What s he done, looted the house ? Took any silver? EDITH Not exactly that, but he s a fraud, and I have reason to suspect he is going to try to take the train at Balchville. I want you to keep an eye on him, and if he tries to get away, bring him back here, to me. 1 62 THE TITLE-MART ACT in HIRAM (Looking at his watch, excitedly.} We ll have to go over to the Centre and git a warrant. EDITH A warrant ! (Putting her hand on HIRAM S shoulder.} Hiram, couldn t you possibly do without the war rant? If you could only bring him back here quietly, it would save a lot of publicity, you know, and father hates publicity. Get him and bring him back to me. I ll talk to him. HIRAM It s irregular, Edith. By godfrey, it might bring on a war with Great Britain. EDITH (Laughing.} Hardly that. Hiram, won t you do it for me? I ll promise you that it will go no farther. Bring him back here to me. HIRAM (Looks at her and wavers.} Wai, it s consarned irregular, but I ll do it for you, Edith. I don t know what s gettin into ACT in THE TITLE-MART 163 the place. I ain t arrested nobody for three months. I ll chance it I ll git him. (Starts jor the window and turns.) Say, tell the missus I ll see her about that wall later. (Exit. EDITH goes to the window and looks ajter him, laughs, sits down at the desk, and puts her pen in her mouth. Enter MRS. BLACKWELL, lower Right.) MRS. BLACKWELL (Excitedly.) Edith, Lord Tredbury is up at last he s coming down ! EDITH (Without looking up.) You don t mean it. (Begins to write.) MRS. BLACKWELL Edith, I want to talk seriously with you. Why do you treat Lady Marjorie as you do? One would think you had no manners. EDITH You know it isn t the thing to have manners except for horses. 164 THE TITLE-MART ACT in MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, do be serious for once; Lord Tredbury will be down any minute. (EDITH puts her hand on her heart.} What are you doing now? But, as I was say ing, Lord Tredbury may be down any moment. Do be nice to him, I m sure you spilled him into the lake on purpose. It will be all right if he never knows it; and the aristocracy are dears, they are so undiscerning. EDITH (Bending over her letter and writing.} Please wait a moment, Grace; I must get this letter off. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, that s just like you, writing to veterinary surgeons when your life s happiness is at stake. Sometimes you are so like your father that I want to I eat you. EDITH (Folds the letter, puts it in the envelope, and closes it.} There ! Now, what is it ? MRS. BLACKWELL O dear, we are wasting so much time and I don t know what to say to you. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 165 EDITH Perhaps I can say it, Grace. You want me to marry Lord Tredbury, whether I love him or not. MRS. BLACKWELL (On the verge 0} tears.) Edith, you have a positively brutal way of put ting things. EDITH (Standing up and patting MRS. BLACK- WELL on the shoulder. She has a man s way 0} doing this kind of thing, although she gives it a feminine touch.) There, don t cry. I haven t any objection to marrying Lord Tredbury. MRS. BLACKWELL You ve him? (Gasping, and rising to her feet.) i ve no objection! Edith! Do you love EDITH What difference does that make ? Well, I don t mind admitting that I am rather fond of him. 166 THE TITLE-MART ACT HI MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, my dear, my dear ! (Stares at EDITH, totally at a loss.) Has he spoken already ? EDITH I haven t allowed him to. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, my dear ! And do you think he loves you ? EDITH Of course that couldn t make any difference, either. But I think he does. (MRS. BLACKWELL makes a forward move ment, and EDITH evades her.) Please don t embrace me, Grace I hate to be embraced. MRS. BLACKWELL (Backing off and looking at her.) Incomprehensible girl ! Edith, you re a dear ! (Enter, lower Left, MR. BARKING. He is dressed in a rather louder checked travelling suit than the day before, and he has a blustering manner which betrays to the audience that he is nervous. EDITH has resumed her seat at the desk, where she is stamping and sealing her letter.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 167 BARKING (Stopping short at sight oj MRS. BLACK- WELL.) Ah, dear Mrs. Blackwell MRS. BLACKWELL (Coming forward effusively and taking his hand.) Dear Lord Tredbury ! I hope you slept well. I hope you feel no unfortunate effects from get ting wet I m so glad that the lake was cold, - Englishmen and cold water go so perfectly to gether. As I said to dear Marjorie, if the lake had been hot, I should have worried about you. But it was quite cold, was it not ? BARKING By jove, I should rather think so! MRS. BLACKWELL I am so glad. I told the valet to put a lump of ice in your bath this morning. I hope he did it. Edith should have warned you about getting into canoes the poor child has been so worried. Really, her account of the accident was most dis tressing, and I almost wept when she told me how she saw your hat floating on the water, with nothing in it. She said it looked so natural. 168 THE TITLE-MART ACT m BARKING I say, did Miss Blackwell say that? MRS. BLACKWELL One notes the pathetic at such times. I hope you ve had a good breakfast, Lord Tredbury. The dishes were on the sideboard. We follow the English custom of getting up and sitting down as often as possible. I never could quite under stand it with the servants around, but I suppose the idea is that it gives one so much exercise. It s certainly delightful. BARKING (He has not perceived EDITH at the desk. He has passed her, and his back has been turned towards her. EDITH now exits quietly by the rear windows.} Er the fact is, I wanted particularly to see you alone. MRS. BLACKWELL (Flustered.} Of course certainly Edith ! (She turns and perceives EDITH is gone.} Why, she s gone. She was here only a moment ago. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 169 BARKING (Glancing around, uneasily.} By jove, I didn t see her! (Turning to MRS. BLACKWELL: impul sively and jerkily.} Mrs. Blackwell there is er there is something I must tell you. I feel that it is due to you to tell you. MRS. BLACKWELL (SofOy.) I think I know. BARKING (Taken aback.) You know you knew all the time ? MRS. BLACKWELL I am not so easily fooled as you imagine. BARKING How you must despise me ! But really, it was not my fault I was led into it. MRS. BLACKWELL (Smiling with comprehension.) Oh, don t speak of them! Young men will 170 THE TITLE-MART ACT in be young men, dear Lord Tredbury. What would an aristocracy be without its debts ? That s the trouble with us in America ; we pay our bills at once, although we are beginning to see that this is vulgar. (He starts to expostulate, but she silences him.) Let me finish. I can quite understand your delicacy, and I honor it, dear Lord Tredbury. BARKING Mrs. Blackwell, I entered your house in a false light. I must explain. MRS. BLACKWELL I told you that I quite understood. (BARKING looks at her blankly.) I quite understand. Dear me, I wish that French were still the Court language one can express one s self so much better in French. I was aware of your mission to this country when I asked you to my house. BARKING My mission ! Mrs. Blackwell, I must explain ACT in THE TITLE-MART 171 MRS. BLACKWELL It is not necessary. The fact is, your entrance was quite opportune. I have been talking to Edith, and I feel that I may say to you, quite frankly, that I found her unexpectedly reasonable. I will also be frank with you and say that I had fears. BARKING (Bewildered: sticking in his monocle.) Fears ! Quite so. MRS. BLACKWELL Sometimes Edith has ridiculous fancies in social matters, and when I saw her wrestling with Mr. Barking, my spirits sank. One of the surest ways for a man to win her heart would be to wrestle himself into it. And yet you seem to have won it without resorting to such violent methods, Lord Tredbury. BARKING (Agitated.) I I ! I won her heart ? MRS. BLACKWELL Your confusion does you credit. I have spoken to Edith. She is anything but indifferent I 72 THE TITLE-MART ACT in to you, dear Lord Tredbury, and she has con fessed to me that you love her. BARKING I love her ! MRS. BLACKWELL There, you must tell that to Edith. It was quite honorable to have spoken to me first. I was so afraid that she was taking a fancy to that Mr. Barking. (BARKING starts to expostulate.} There, you are loyal to your friend but I under stand. In these days when the aristocracy is so hard pressed, it is their friends that are thrust upon them. And now, you may find Edith; you have my permission James. I hope you will allow me to call you James. Don t be shy with her. She is a problem, but if she is managed rightly, she will turn out to be a fine woman. She has already something of the English man ner the English rudeness, one might say. It is enough to begin with. She loves you, James, I am sure of it. But I confess that I am as tonished that it has come about so quickly. BARKING Really, Mrs. Blackwell I say I had no notion of it, upon my word I m overwhelmed. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 173 MRS. BLACKWELL Don t look so frightened. Why is it men are always frightened ? Here she comes ! Now do be courageous James. (Exit, throwing him a kiss.) BARKING Oh, my God she loves me ! I might have known it. Why was I such a fool? I might have known it. What am I to say? (Enter EDITH, unconcernedly. She looks at him. He puts up his monocle and backs away from her.) Er ahem ! Er ahem ! EDITH Why, Lord Tredbury ! I m afraid your wetting didn t improve your throat any. I m so sorry. BARKING Er I have a far worse affliction than the throat, Miss Blackwell. EDITH (Approaching him with mock anxiety.) Oh, tell me what it is, Lord Tredbury ! I 7 4 THE TITLE- MART ACT in BARKING (Backs away.) I say you you mustn t call me that. EDITH (Meaningly.) What shall I call you? BARKING (Desperately.) I I have something to tell you, Miss Black- well. I tried to tell Mrs. Blackwell er I really can t say how distressed and yet ahem - and yet how I er tingle with er something I never felt before. EDITH The symptoms sound familiar. BARKING (Transported.) I say, do they? I came down this morning resolved to tell your mother something, to tell you something, and and I find I ve lost my head. EDITH (With concern.) Have you missed it long? ACT in THE TITLE-MART 175 BARKING Eh? (Looks at her, but is reassured by her sympathetic manner.) I can t describe how your presence affects me. I didn t sleep a wink last night, not a wink, screw ing up my courage to the sticking point. (Gazes at her tenderly.) I believe no man was ever in such a horrible plight, really. You see I m all dressed to go away. I found out about the train. I asked the footman for a Bradshaw, and he brought me some kind of a cocktail before breakfast, mind you. I drank it I was in such a state. (EDITH is laughing quietly.) It seems I wanted the Baby Pathfinder. Now I can t go. I hoped yes I hoped for your sake, for both our sakes, that this would not come about, Miss Blackwell Edith. You are too true a woman to love me for my er title. If it were otherwise, I would not say what I am going to say. (MR. PEPYS is seen strolling over the terrace towards the windows. They both look up.) EDITH (Runs towards the door, lower Right, turns and looks at him bewitchingly.) 1 76 THE TITLE-MART ACT in Don t say it now. We might go canoeing again this evening. (Exit. BARKING crosses over, Right, and stands looking after her. Enter PEPYS through a rear window.) PEPYS Morning, Lord Tredbury. We missed you last night. BARKING (Turning.) Er yes the fact is, I went to bed early. I was er quite exhausted. PEPYS Hope you re rested. You look fairly fit. (Goes to the table, picks up a paper, crosses over to a chair, Left, and sits down. Unperceived, he gives BARK ING an amused look from behind the paper.) BARKING (Walks to the windows, rear, hesitates, comes halfway back, looks at PEPYS, who is apparently immersed in his reading. Coughs.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 177 I say, Pepys, you re a devilish good sort of a chap. PEPYS (Lowering his paper and smiling.) Thanks. BARKING A man of the world, and all that kind of thing. A chap who would never er betray a con fidence. PEPYS I can t recall ever having betrayed one. BARKING I say, I m in the devil of a scrape, don t you know. I ve a great mind to tell you all about it to er You seem so dashed level-headed. PEPYS What s the trouble, Lord Tredbury? BARKING Well er the first trouble is, you know, by j ove _ i n tell you. I m not Lord Tredbury. 1 78 THE TITLE-MART ACT in PEPYS (With pretended astonishment.} Not Lord Tredbury ! Would it be impertinent to ask who you are? BARKING Not at all, my dear chap ; I m Reginald Barking. (Looking around uneasily, as though jearing interruption.) It s a long story. The other chap is Lord Tred bury. He has to marry an American, and er he had Miss Blackwell in mind for the position. PEPYS (Dryly.) Oh, I see. BARKING But mind you, he got a letter saying she wouldn t do at all, and begged me to come up. I said, " Suppose she falls in love with me!" "Oh, no," said he, "no possibility. Bet twenty guineas to one." Guineas ! (Backing off, with a gesture.) Well, she has. PEPYS Fallen in love with you ! ACT in THE TITLE-MART 179 BARKING Yes. I m engaged to her. Mrs. Blackwell er proposed this morning, and er told me of Edith s affection for me. PEPYS (Stifling laughter.) Then you ve won your bet. BARKING Oh, damn that ! There s the ahem moral question. That s what troubles me. I m happy to say I ll have a title of my own some day. This has been a bit sudden, you know, but I mean to stick by my word. Of course, my governor will be horribly cut up he rather wished me to marry into the aristocracy. PEPYS Your feelings do you credit. BARKING Thanks, old chap. But now er how about Mrs. Blackwell? I m afraid she ll rear a bit, you know. I thought that you er as a man of the world (Seeing no encouragement in PEPYS S jace. ) Er what would you advise me to do ? !8o THE TITLE-MART ACT in PEPYS Confess, my dear fellow. That s part of the joke. BARKING (Dubiously.) Yes. But, by jove, she s so erratic, you know. She might do anything. You ll stand by me, old chap. And then er it occurred to me last night that Mr. Blackwell might take a shot at me. I ve heard Americans were so handy with revolvers, and all that. PEPYS (Soberly.) You needn t be afraid of John; he isn t a very good shot. No, take my advice and confess to Mrs. Blackwell. The storm will blow over. You re quite right to treat it as a joke. By the way, here comes Mrs. Blackwell now. I d like to stay here and see the fun if it wasn t for a natural delicacy. BARKING (Wildly.) Oh, I say, delicacy be damned! Don t mind that ! I say, I d like to have you here. (He clutches PEPYS. Enter MRS. BLACK- WELL, lower Left.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 181 MRS. BLACKWELL I m so glad you ve taken a fancy to Larry, James. He s a dear! But where is Edith? BARKING (Looking at PEPYS.) She has er stepped out. Yes, stepped out that s it. (Puts in his monocle, and gazes foolishly off, lower Right.) MRS. BLACKWELL (Reproachfully.) James, I hope you haven t quarrelled already. BARKING (Aside, to PEPYS.) I say, old chap, couldn t you drop her a hint? MRS. BLACKWELL I suppose James has told you, Larry. Yes, it s true. (Sighs.) When Lord Tredbury spoke to me this morning it was a great shock, so sudden, and so little time has elapsed. (PEPYS turns away and laughs silently.) 182 THE TITLE-MART ACT in But it is best to be sensible about these matters. They are inevitable. BARKING (Desperately.} Oh, I say, Mrs. Blackwell, I must tell you something about myself. MRS. BLACKWELL (Interrupting.} James, you are so painfully honest. Do let youthful indiscretions be a closed book. We are getting more and more sensible about that sort of thing in America. (The telephone on the table, down Left, rings, and she goes to it. BARKING gazes at her helplessly. PEPYS, with his hand over his mouth, walks over to the window, down Right, and stands with his back to them during the fol lowing scene, his shoulders shaking in termittently with laughter.} (Enter, quietly, by the rear windows, the REPORTER. He has a rather large hand camera in his hand, and unperceived by any one he levels it at BARK ING, who is standing in an agonized position, puts in the long stop, and photographs him.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 183 MRS. BLACKWELL (At the telephone: simpering.} Yes, dear, Lord TREDBURY is staying with us. BARKING (Breaking in desperately.} I say, Mrs. Blackwell, one moment. MRS. BLACKWELL (Waving him away with her hand, and speaking into the telephone.} He is just a nice, overgrown boy so English, and he s actually trying to pull me away from the telephone. (A pause. BARKING starts back.} What s that? (A pause.} Well, dear, how clever you are. Yes, you ve guessed it Tredbury and Edith are engaged. BARKING Oh, by jove, Mrs. Blackwell, you mustn t; you know you mustn t. I ll tell you why if you ll only listen! Oh, my God! (MRS. BLACKWELL puts up her hand and smiles absently, listening the while to the remarks that come palpitating through the telephone. In the rear the REPORTER is writing rapidly, a beatific smile on his face.) 184 THE TITLE-MART ACT m MRS. BLACKWELL (Into the telephone.) Dear Isabel, I don t know Lord Tredbury made his proposal in form this morning ; he was so nice about it, so comme il jaut. I ll take Edith to Paris in September. I think November s a good month, but it s difficult for people to get into town so early. (A pause, during which BARKING stands helplessly resigned.) Dear Isabel, I don t wonder you re excited. I couldn t help telling you. Good-by, dear, James has taken such a fancy to me that he won t even let me talk. (She puts down the receiver.) BARKING My God, Mrs. Blackwell, what have you done ? MRS. BLACKWELL (Looking up, beatifically.) James, don t be ridiculous. There s no use trying to keep a thing like that a secret. (REPORTER coughs discreetly and MRS. BLACKWELL, BARKING, and PEPYS all turn and face him.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 185 (To REPORTER.) What are you doing here again? You have great temerity, sir, to return. REPORTER I was once a war correspondent, and my paper telegraphed me last night to get the news at any cost. MRS. BLACKWELL Well, since you are here, I may as well tell you (Grandly.) that a marriage has been arranged BARKING (Wildly.) Stop, Mrs. Blackwell, stop, I command you! You must not ! I must see you alone. I insist upon it. I demand it. (Enter EDITH, lower Right.) REPORTER (Picks up his camera, and backs away jearfally at sight o) her: to MRS. BLACKWELL.) Thank you, I think I know everything I 1 86 THE TITLE-MART ACT in think I have enough. Good day, Mrs. Black- well. (Exit, precipitately, by the rear win dow.) PEPYS (Aside, to EDITH, as she passes him: delightedly.) Oh, you vixen ! EDITH (Calmly.) What s the matter? (Enter, lower Left, LADY MARJORIE.) MARJORIE Whatever s the matter? MRS. BLACKWELL (Rushing to her, tearfully.) Dearest Marjorie, don t you know? You should have been told first, the very first, you are such a near friend of Tredbury s. (MARJORIE bewilderingly tries to dis engage herself.) Lord Tredbury, I mean James (Waves at BARKING.) and Edith are engaged to be married. I am so ACT in THE TITLE-MART 187 excited. It only happened a little while ago, and I haven t had a chance to tell you. MARJORIE (Dramatic, for once, pointing at BARK ING, scornfully.) Do you mean that man? Is he engaged to Edith? MRS. BLACKWELL Certainly. He made his proposal in form half an hour ago and in such good form. BARKING (Wildly.) Great heavens, I shall go mad. I did nothing of the sort. I have been trying to tell her all morning, but she won t listen - MRS. BLACKWELL James, you can t mean that you have another wife! BARKING No, no, my God, no - MRS. BLACKWELL Then what are you saying? 1 88 THE TITLE-MART ACT in BARKING I I I am not MARJORIE (Interrupting: sweetly.} I think he s been trying to tell you, Grace, that he is not Lord Tredbury. BARKING (Groaning.) Er I was just coming to that. MRS. BLACKWELL Just coming to it? What do you mean? Is it that you haven t yet come into your title ? BARKING Precisely that s it. My governor s er services er have meant so much to the party, and all that sort of thing MRS. BLACKWELL Your governor ! (Glancing from PEPYS to MARJORIE.) Has the man gone mad? (To BARKING.) What are you talking about? ACT in THE TITLE-MART 189 BARKING I was referring to my father. He was ill advised enough to make a great fortune in er well, in china. MRS. BLACKWELL (With an agonized shriek.) China ! China ! (Overpowered by the enormity of the news, she gazes at him speechless.) BARKING (With an attempt to assert his dignity.) My father s choice of a commodity may have been misguided, but nevertheless by his industry and ability he has built up a business that is known wherever wherever (He hesitates, seeing that MRS. BLACK- WELL is paying no attention to him.) EDITH (Calmly.} Dishes are washed. MARJORIE (Hastily.) Tredbury is so shy, Grace so sensitive about people thinking that he wants to sell his title 190 THE TITLE-MART ACT in BARKING (Gaining confidence.) And when you took me for him he er just backed out. And then you snubbed him, you know. MRS. BLACKWELL You don t mean to tell me it was Lord Tred- bury that I - (At this point MRS. BLACKWELL S eye lights on the telephone instrument on the table, and, gazing at it, she sud denly becomes transfixed with horror, struck dumb, as it were. They all move a step towards her anxiously.) EDITH What s the matter, Grace? MRS. BLACKWELL (Panting.) The telephone ! (Wildly.) I ve announced the engagement. I ve told Isabel Sibley, and I m sure it s all around the lake by this! Oh, what shall I do? And the reporter! Larry, do try to catch him, and tell him it s all a mistake. He s only had ten minutes ACT in THE TITLE-MART 191 start. If you run fast, you can catch him before he reaches the village. (Exit PEPYS, rear.) I hope he can run faster than that. And where is Lord Tredbury? John had him here only last night. I might have known him, he was such a mauvais garcon. (To BARKING, pointing at the bell.) Ring the bell ! (BARKING obeys mechanically.) Tredbury must be found! (Enter BUTLER, lower Left.) (To BUTLER.) Stetson, do you remember a a Mr. Barking who was visiting Mr. Blackwell? BUTLER Perfectly, Madam. (He points out of the window, indig nantly.) E was ere not an hour ago, Madam. I seed a man a-hidin be ind the balustrade, and I goes out to ask im is business, and e was gone. Once I seed im a-hidin in the syringes. MRS. BLACKWELL He must be found, Stetson. Telephone his description to the stables, to the lodge, to the 192 THE TITLE-MART ACT in village everywhere. He must be treated with every courtesy and brought back. Do you under stand, Stetson? He is Lord Tredbury. BUTLER (Imperturbably.) Very good, Madam. MRS. BLACKWELL (Sitting down.) The aristocracy is unaccountable! Oh, what shall I do ! (As the BUTLER exits Left, he runs into MR. BLACKWELL in a linen duster. MR. BLACKWELL exclaims, BUTLER begs his pardon, and exits. As MR. BLACKWELL recoils from the shock, his eye lights on BARKING, and at the same time MR. BLACKWELL puts his hand to his hip pocket. BARKING exits precipitately, lower Left, and MR. BLACKWELL produces a handker chief from his pocket.) MR. BLACKWELL (Looking after BARKING in astonish ment.) Is everybody crazy? I just met Larry Pepys ACT in THE TITLE-MART 193 going like a madman at hare and hounds. He wouldn t pay any attention to me. I never saw him move faster than a walk in his life. And why did he run away? MRS. BLACKWELL (Rising: not noticing BARKING S exit.) John, has he run away? I was in hopes you had him. MR. BLACKWELL Had him ! Oh, you re talking about the other one. That s what I came in for. Haven t you got him? It wouldn t be the first time you d enticed one of my guests away from me. I thought you d be after him. MRS. BLACKWELL Oh, John, you don t mean to say you ve lost him. How stupid of you 1 MR. BLACKWELL (With some heat.) Stupid ! I don t see why you are so interested, Grace, when you snubbed him. How was I to know he wanted to escape 1 I went into Fowler s chicken yard about half -past seven this J 94 THE TITLE-MART ACT m morning, left this Barking in the buggy, and when I came out, he d tied the horse to the fence and skipped. MRS. BLACKWELL Skipped ! MR. BLACKWELL Yes, skipped. Thank God he didn t take the horse and buggy. I call that a durned mean return for my kindness, when I was going to show him the country and the house I was born in. I ll never forgive him. He deceived me went to bed last night before I had finished my dinner so that he might be fresh for to-day s pleasure. (Snorts. Looks around and his eye lights on MARJORIE. Sternly.) But I have a notion who s responsible. Have you any other ladies in your house party ? MRS. BLACKWELL (Mystified.) No. Why? MR. BLACKWELL (Interrupting: to MARJORIE.) Then I ll thank you to keep out of my rooms. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 195 MARJORIE Out of your rooms ! MR. BLACKWELL Yes, out of my rooms. The view is very fine from my window, is it? MARJORIE (Haughtily.} I don t know anything about your view. MR. BLACKWELL Humph ! Of course not. I ll have you under stand I m a respectable man, and not given to intrigues. I won t have my good name ruined by any woman, and I won t have any woman talk about me familiarly behind my back. (To MRS. BLACKWELL.) You can have your lords and actresses, Madam, as long as they are harmless tomfooleries, but I stipulate they shan t interfere with me. When the actresses come into my rooms, and talk about the view from my window, out they go. I mean it. Ask this Miss Davenport, or whatever her name is, where Mr. Barking s gone. She can tell you if she will. 196 THE TITLE-MART ACT m (Towards the end of this speech, BARKING is seen peering in through rear win dows. M ARJORIE now walks out through a rear window, her nose in the air. Is seen to join BARKING, and they have a short conversation in pantomime before they disappear.) MRS. BLACK WELL (Who has been fidgeting in horror. Run ning to MR. BLACKWELL.) John, there s some terrible mistake. You don t know what you ve done. (In an awed voice.) That was Lady Marjorie Ticknor! MR. BLACKWELL Well, I beg Lady Marjorie s pardon. I thought you told me all the women were here. Where is this Davenport woman? (With inspiration.) By George, I have it ! Barking s gone off with her. MRS. BLACKWELL (Distractedly: going of} Left.) Oh, I can t waste any more time with you. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 19? Everything s ruined now by your stupidity. Something must be done ! (Exit, lower Lejt. MR. BLACKWELL watches her go in astonishment, and then turns to EDITH, bewildered.) MR. BLACKWELL Well, this beats me ! I ve seen Grace and her parties in a ruction before, but never to equal this. Edith, you look sane. Tell me, what the deuce is the matter? EDITH (Putting her arms around his neck.) Dear old Daddy, I ll tell you all about it. I never meant to fool you. MR. BLACKWELL (Laughs.) Oh, it s some of your tricks. I might have known. (Comically.) But don t you think it s a little dangerous to push Grace as far as that? She s really in a pretty bad way. What have you done you you witch? (Fondles her.) <98 THE TITLE-MART ACT m EDITH Really, it wasn t my fault, Dad. That is, most of it wasn t. It s so mixed up I scarcely know where to begin. (Enter FOOTMAN, upper Left.) FOOTMAN Please, Miss, Doctor Awkins appened to be up at Mr. Townsend s and card about your mare. E s in the stable now, Miss. EDITH Daddy, wait till I come back, and I ll tell you all about it. (Exit, through rear windows.) MR. BLACKWELL (To FOOTMAN.) Where is this actress who s visiting Mrs. Black- well? FOOTMAN There s no h actress in the ouse, as I know of, sir. MR. BLACKWELL (In disgust.) You re a darned fool, too. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 199 (FOOTMAN still stands respectfully.) What are you waiting for? FOOTMAN If you please, sir, a groom was returning from the village with the mail and found Mr. Pepys sitting by the road, all in a eat, sir, wet through. E s taken im into your study. It looks remark able like h apoplexy, sir. MR. BLACKWELL Well, I ll be - I ll go to him. (Exit, upper Left, followed by FOOTMAN. At the same instant, BARKING and LADY MARJORIE are seen looking in at the windows, rear. MARJORIE enters boldly, followed with some caution, by BARKING. They come down centre.) MARJORIE There s no one here. (Laughs.) For title-hunters, commend me to the free and democratic American nation. These people mean to have poor Treddy dead or alive. (Looking up at BARKING.) You had a narrow escape, rather. 200 THE TITLE-MART ACT in BARKING I was quite defenceless, you know. There was nothing better than a paper cutter at hand. MARJORIE I was talking about the other danger. As I said just now, I could have told you she was a designing, cold-blooded girl, if I had dared to speak. BARKING (With feeling.) Dared ! Oh, Lady Marjorie ! If you had only given me a hint last night that I occupied even a small niche in in your er thoughts ! MARJORIE How could I? You were in bed. (Looking up at him, ingenuously.) Mr. Barking, I hope you ll forgive me for talking to you on the terrace just now like a grandmother. BARKING I say, you don t look like a grandmother, and er I don t feel as if you were. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 201 MARJORIE Flatterer! Well, then, as I tried to impress upon you, a man of your career, and your future, should marry a woman of the world ; a woman of tact, a grande dame, if you like, a person of whom you would be proud when you become Prime Minister. BARKING (A step towards her.) Lady Marjorie . MARJORIE (Without seeming to pay attention.) She need not be rich necessarily, nor a beauty, but she should have well friends at court, who will help you to a title of your own, when the time comes. A a duke in the family goes a long way, you know, even in these days. There, I ve said it ! BARKING Lady Marjorie ! When I saw you (MARJORIE goes off, Left.) Where are you going? MARJORIE To tell my maid to pack. I really can t stay with Grace after this, and that horrible Mr. Blackwell has insulted me. 202 THE TITLE-MART ACT m BARKING You (Swallows.) you are going on my account. MARJORIE (Standing with her back to him, looking over her shoulder, smiling.) Let s call it national pride. It sounds better. (Turns her head away, but does not go.) BARKING (Taking a step or two after her.) Oh, Lady Marjorie, if I only dared. MARJORIE (SofOy.) I thought you would dare anything. BARKING I do. I dare! You are the one I have been waiting for all my life. You little know it, but you have sketched yourself as I have always seen you in my heart ! (Runs to her, seizes her hand. Her head is still turned away.) Won t you look at me? ACT in THE TITLE-MART 203 MARJORIE (Turns her head and looks at him.) We ll talk about it at Lenox. (Suddenly EDITH appears in the French window, rear, and MARJORIE drops BARKING S hand hastily.) EDITH (Entering and smiling at them. To BARKING.) It s much more appropriate than if you were to marry me, isn t it? (BARKING, hugely embarrassed, does not answer. ) I could have told you that Lady Marjorie admired you tremendously. BARKING Er admired me ? MARJORIE It s quite evident why you didn t. EDITH Quite. He was making love to me as Lord Tredbury. 204 THE TITLE-MART ACT in MARJORIE And of course you couldn t afford to run the risk of losing a title. EDITH I felt that Mr. Barking couldn t afford to run that risk either. That s the reason I didn t show him this letter which I believe Lady Marjorie wrote to Lord Tredbury. (Produces jrom her pocket the letter. MARJORIE recognizes it and starts forward, blanching.) (To BARKING.) If you knew the very complimentary things Lady Marjorie wrote about you in this letter, I am sure you would be convinced. BARKING I say, did she? I had no idea (Looks slyly at MARJORIE.) MARJORIE (Beside herself.) I don t think it quite honorable, let us say, to read other people s letters. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 205 EDITH (Looking at her.) Neither do I. (Smiling. ) I happen to know the contents because Lord Tredbury read this letter aloud BARKING Tredbury ! MARJORIE Lord Tredbury read that letter aloud? EDITH To Dotty Davenport. You were not the only person mentioned, Mr. Barking. (Looking at MARJORIE.) There was something said about the unattractive, impossible, and hoidenish Miss Blackwell. But it s all quite true, so there s no harm done. (MARJORIE and BARKING are speechless.) (To BARKING.) If I had not had other indications, I should have guessed from this (Tapping letter.) that you were not Lord Tredbury. 206 THE TITLE-MART ACT in BARKING You knew I was not Lord Tredbury? You knew all the time ? Oh, by jove ! EDITH I am going to give back Lady Marjorie her letter, but I hope she will not tell you what is in it. (A slight pause.) It might turn your head. (Hands MARJORIE the letter.) MARJORIE (Takes it and crushes it.) EDITH And now, if you will accept my congratu lations BARKING (Starts forward and takes her hand.) Upon my word, Miss Blackwell, you re a brick. I I don t know what to say. EDITH Don t say anything. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 207 MARJORIE (Taking EDITH S hand.) Edith, I m afraid I did you an an injustice. EDITH I m afraid you did. MARJORIE If I ever can be of service to you, in England EDITH You are very kind. I shall remember it if I ever go to England. And now, if you don t object to my giving you both a tip, I think if I were you I should take a walk in the pine woods. BARKING Thanks awfully. (To MARJORIE.) Er do you mind ? MARJORIE (Hesitating: then deciding.) Well, I ll go if you like. (Exeunt MARJORIE and BARKING, lower Right.) (A commotion is heard and HIRAM and TRED- BURY, accompanied by MR. BLACKWELL, are 208 THE TITLE-MART ACT m seen crossing the terrace, all talking, and ap proaching the windows in the rear. Enter these three, all talking at once, HIRAM carry ing a heavy dressing case, TREDBURY a hand bag, which each deposits as he comes down. MR. BLACKWELL and TREDBURY are together, HIRAM a little apart and behind them. EDITH runs to upper Lejt where she remains, unseen by the three.) MR. BLACKWELL (To TREDBURY.) You thought my daughter was an actress? TREDBURY (To HIRAM.) Why the devil didn t you say Miss Blackwell told you to arrest me? I wouldn t have men tioned the ambassador. HIRAM (Who is apologizing to MR. BLACKWELL.) Wimmen is awful critters to tempt a man, John, you know that. But, by godfrey, he did look like a crook when he was workin through Easy Jones woods with that there sample case. (Points to dressing case.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 209 (To TREDBURY.) So you re a lord ! I want to know ! I don t mind shakin hands with ye, anyhow, and sayin I m sorry. You ain t such a durned fool after all. (Puts out his hand.) TREDBURY (Taking it: laughing.) Thanks, Mr. Peters. If you d only mentioned who made the complaint, I would have led the way. (EDITH disappears, upper Left.) MR. BLACKWELL (Biting off a cigar.) Hiram, I guess young people will be young people. (To TREDBURY.) I won t deny I ve had a prejudice against titles, too ; you may have gathered that from my conver sation. There, young man, I like you, and you ve owned up honestly. I ll forgive you. But she s very dear to me, in spite of her tricks. (Brushes his eyes. TREDBURY seizes his hand, and wrings it in silence. Sud denly a great squawking is heard in the rear, as of a general cock fight in prog ress, and MR. BLACKWELL and HIRAM 210 THE TITLE- MART ACT in both exit through the rear window, pre cipitately. EDITH comes in, upper Lejt, unconcernedly, and stands a moment gaz ing out oj rear windows after them.) EDITH (Turning.) How shameful of the sheriff to neglect his duty ! Why has he left the prisoner alone ? TREDBURY Miss Blackwell ! EDITH (Coming down and seating herself in a large armchair; with mock dignity, imitating a judge.} Why has the prisoner been released? TREDBURY May it please your Lordship, the complainant didn t appear, you know. EDITH Well, what have you to say for yourself? Why did you run away? TREDBURY (Gloomily.) It s no easier to confess now than it was before ACT in THE TITLE-MART 211 I went. Of course, I ve been an ass, I don t deny it. (Impulsively.) If you were only Dotty Davenport, I could tell you all. EDITH That isn t a proper way to address a a magistrate. And, besides, I don t expect you to incriminate yourself. I will give the prisoner to understand that this trial will be conducted in all fairness. TREDBURY By jove, I should say it was a trial. (A noise is heard off. TREDBURY looks around.) And, by the way, I m not supposed to come in this part of the house, you know. EDITH Oh, you needn t be alarmed ; Mrs. Blackwell is off looking for Lord Tredbury. TREDBURY (Starting.) For Tredbury? EDITH Yes. He escaped, you know. Mrs. Blackwell 212 THE TITLE-MART ACT in is having the surrounding country searched; the woods beaten. I shouldn t wonder if she d of fered a reward for him, if produced alive. The demand for titles is so great in America that we never let one escape without an effort to recap ture it. TREDBURY (Laughs uneasily. ) So he s run away. Oh, by jove ! And do you mean to tell me they re chasing him? I hope they give him a good, round thrashing. You wouldn t mind telling me the immediate cause of his flight. EDITH Well, I think he ran away for fear he would have to marry me. TREDBURY (Starting forward: in anger and amaze ment.) For fear You don t mean that. You re joking you couldn t love him. EDITH Love is bourgeois; only the lower classes and fools marry for love. We are learning better in America nowadays our marriages are arranged. ACT in THE TITLE-MART 213 TREDBURY You didn t agree to marry him. I know you didn t. If a man were poor and needy and re jected EDITH (Interrupting.} No. I didn t agree to marry Mr. Barking. TREDBURY (With a sudden flash of understanding.) Mr. Barking. EDITH Don t interrupt. Mr. Barking has already been sufficiently punished. He is about to serve a life sentence he is going to marry Lady Marjorie. TREDBURY (Bursting into laughter.) To marry Marjorie ! I m I m revenged. (Coming forward impetuously.) Ah, was there ever such a woman in the world as you ! How could I have been such a fool ! I see it now, you ve known all the time you knew who I was when we met at the Post-office. I loved Dotty Davenport. I would have followed her to the ends of the earth. I plead guilty, but that s my excuse. I love you, Edith 214 THE TITLE-MART ACT in EDITH (Rising.) Aren t you afraid of being fined for contempt? The court will adjourn. TREDBURY (Seizing her hands.) I throw myself on the mercy of the court. Edith ! Have you nothing to say ? Can you give me no hope? EDITH Well I think I will give you a life sen tence, too. TREDBURY (Seizing her in his arms.) And I will love you and serve you all my life. (A pause.) EDITH (Trying to disengage herself and glanc ing out, Right, where the loggia is.) Here comes Grace. (Looking at him, with laughter in her eyes.) She will think we have been wrestling again. (Enter, lower Right, MRS. BLACKWELL. She takes in the situation at a glance.) ACT in THE TITLE-MART 215 MRS. BLACKWELL Edith ! You ve found him ! Thank heaven, those women won t have a chance to talk ! I ve never been so relieved in all my life. (Sinking into a chair and fanning her self.) Oh, James, come here. How could you have been so naughty ! CURTAIN BY THE SAME AUTHOR THE CROSSING With Illustrations in Colors by SYDNEY ADAMSON and LILIAN BAYLISS Cloth i2mo $1.50 " Mr. Churchill s work, for one reason or another, always commands the attention of a large reading public." The Criterion. " The Crossing is a thoroughly interesting book, packed with exciting adventure and sentimental incident, yet faithful to historical fact both in detail and in spirit." The Dial. " Mr. Churchill s romance fills in a gap which history has been unable to span, that gives life and color, even the very soul, to events which otherwise treated would be cold and dark and inanimate." Mr. HORACE R. HUDSON, in the San Fran cisco Chronicle. 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