UC-NRLF THURSDAY EVENING BY CHRISTOPHER MORLEY APPLETON MODERN PLAYS No. 10 EDITED BY FRANK SHAY The Appleton Modern Plays Edited by FRANK SHAY No. Title* 1. S7im, by Frank C. Tompkins 2. The Shepherd in the Distance, by Holland Hud ton 3. Mansions, by Hildegarde Planner 4. Hearts tQ Mend, by H. A. Overtired 5. Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil, by Stuart Walker 6. The Emperor Jones, by Eugene O Neill 7. Sweet and Twenty, by Floyd Dell 8. Two Slatterns and a King, by Edna St. Vincent 9. Sir David Wears a Crown, by Stuart Walker 10. Thursday Evening, by Christopher Motley 11. Mirage, by George M. P. Baird 12. Society Notes, by Duffy R. Weil 13. Lithuania, by Rupert Brooke 14. Eyes That Cannot See, by Albert Cnudtztnann 15. In Confidence, by Alvilde Prydx 16. Scrambled Eggs, by Latoton Mackall and Franco R. Belli 17. The Stick Up, by Pierre Loving 18. The Fountain of Youth, by Serafin and Joaquin ^4fuarcx-Qutnfer* 19. Thompson s Luck, by Harry Greenwood Grower 20. Finders Keepers, by George Kelly 21. Why Girls Slay Home, by Maude Humphrey 22. Princesses, by Helen Halman Joseph 23. Action! by Holland Hudson 24. Wreckage, by Mary Healon Vorsc and Colin Campbell Clement 25. The Delta Wife, by Walter McClcllan 26. A Morality Play for the Leisured Class, by John L. Baldentort 27. The Lion s Mouth, by George Madden Martin and Harriet L. Kennedy 28. Autumn, by llya Surgucheo 29. Lord Byron, by Maurice Ferber 30. The Giant s Stair, by Wilbur Daniel Sfeefe 31. Words and Thoughts, by Don Marquis 32. The Farce of the Worthy Master Pierre Patelin, translated and arranged by Moritz JagenJorf 33. The Pie and the Tart, by Mathurin Dondo 34. Two Blind Men and a Donkey, by Mathurin Dondo 35. The King s Great-Aunt Sits on the Floor, b u Stuarl If after 36. So That s That, by John V. A. Weaver Others in Preparation Bound in Art Paper, each 50 centt D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, NEW YORK No. 10 APPLETON MODERN PLAYS Edited by Frank Shay THURSDAY EVENING THURSDAY EVENING By CHRISTOPHER MGRLEY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY NEW YORK MCMXXVI "Fe COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY CHRISTOPHER MORLEY All rights reserved All stage rights, professional and amateur, reserved by the author, and will be strictly protected. Application to produce or reprint this play must be made to the author, in care of the publishers, D. Appleton and Company, New York City. Printed in the United States of America. THURSDAY EVENING A Comedy in One Act By CHRISTOPHER MORLEY CHARACTERS GORDON JOHNS, a Young Business Man LAURA, Mrs. Gordon Johns MRS. SHEFFIELD, Laura s Mother MRS. JOHNS, Gordon s Mother 737534 UJ _l CD uiX THURSDAY EVENING SCENE ; -:. - ; . . A small suburban kitchen fn the modest home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon Johns. A meal has re cently been cooked, as is shown by a general con fusion of pots and pans and dish-cloths. At the rear, an icebox standing in the corner. Rear, center, two shelved cabinets, one containing grocer ies and household sundries, the other dishes and glassware. Rear, L, an oil range. Some baby linen and very small shirts (such as would be suit able for a child of about ten months) are hanging on a clothes-horse near the stove. Door R leads out to back porch; there are two windows in R wall, one each side of door. Door L to dining- room. At the corner in the rear, L, door opening on back stairs, which ascend to upper parts of the house. Down stage, L, against side wall, a sink and oil-cloth covered drain-board or shelf beside it. In the center of stage a small table covered with oil-cloth. A kitchen chair in corner, down R. When the scene opens, GORDON and LAURA are carrying in soiled dishes through door, L. They come in and out several times, making me thodical arrangements for cleaning up. They pile the dishes on the shelf by the sink. Gordon takes dishpan from a hook under the sink, and fills it with hot water from the kettle on the stove. LAURA, who is an attractive little person, aged about twenty -three, is in that slightly tense con- 1 THURSDAY EVENING MM^MMMHMMMMMMM^HHMMMMMMMMM^MMMHMMMMMIMMMMi^HMV^MM dition of a young hostess who has had a long and trying day with house and baby, and has also cooked and servzd-a dinner for four. GORDON; . *: -" All right, Creature, just wait till I light my pipe and we ll polish this up. (Lights pipe and rolls up shirtsleeves.} LAURA (taking an apron from chair in corner) Put this on first. That s the only decent pair of trousers you ve got. ; (Enter Mrs. Sheffield, carrying dishes} MRS. SHEFF Now you children run along and take it easy. I ll do all this. LAURA No, no, mother. You go and talk to Mrs. Johns. (Pointedly} Don t let her come in here. MRS. SHEFF (ultramaternally) Poor baby, she s tired. You ve been on your feet all day, now let Mother wash up for you. That was a big dinner to cook. LAURA No tireder than you are, Mother darling. You cooked lunch. GORDON Both of you clear out; I can get this done in no time. MRS. SHEFF (patting Laura s cheek) Busy with the baby all afternoon, and then cooking such a delicious dinner Dearie, won t you let Mother do this for you? 8 THURSDAY EVENING LAURA There isn t room in this kitchen for everybody (Enter Mrs. Johns, carrying dishes.} MRS. JOHNS Gordon, you and Laura go and rest. Let the two grandmothers GORDON Now listen, little people, this is my job. I al ways wash up on Thursday evenings MRS. JOHNS You go and read your newspaper. I can see you re all fagged out after that long day in the office MRS. SHEFF (to Laura) Please go and lie down, Baby. You re so tired. LAURA (with waning patience) You two go and amuse yourselves; Gordon and Til attend to this. (They gently eject the two mothers-in-law.) GORDON Come on, now, the good old system ! (He takes the small table from center of stage, and puts it carefully midway between sink and dish cabinet. Takes chair from corner, down R, and sets it beside table. Laura sits down on chair and wipes silver- ware and dishes as he hands them to her after washing?) LAURA The silver first, while the water s clean. GORDON Right. We make a pretty good team at this, don t we? THURSDAY EVENING LAURA (holds up a small silver jug) That darling old cream jug. Mother used that when she was a little girl. GORDON I love our little Thursday evening suppers. I think they re more fun than any other night. LAURA I m glad, Gordie. GORDON We get better grub on Thursdays, when Ethel goes out, than we ever do when she s in. LAURA I tried to have everything specially nice to night. Some visitors are very critical. GORDON It was lovely. I m afraid it was hard for you, Creature, to have Mother come just now. (A short paused) Especially when your Mother was here. LAURA Didn t she know Mother was here? GORDON No. I hadn t told her. You see your Mother is here so much more often. 1 I didn t know your mother would still be here. I was afraid Mother might be a little hurt LAURA Mother helps me a great deal. I think it s a queer thing if a wife can t have her mother stay with her once in a while GORDON (aware of danger, changes the subject} Ye Gods, Ethel has cracked the Copenhagen 10 THURSDAY EVENING platter. (Laura is silent.) That s one of the set Mother gave us when we were married. LAURA It s a stock pattern. You can get another at any department store. GORDON I ll bet that coon didn t empty the icebox pan before she went. I never saw a cook yet who could remember to do that LAURA If you had to go out and hunt for them you wouldn t be so particular. She s better than no one. GORDON (goes to icebox and removes a large ^ brim ming pan from under if) What did I tell you! (The water slops over from pan as he carries it gingerly to sink and empties it. He replaces the pan under icebox.} LAURA You d better heat some more water. You ve poured that ice-water into the dishpan. GORDON (getting a little peevish; refills kettle and puts it on stove) It s perfectly absurd not having any pantry to keep the icebox in. In here, the heat of the stove melts the ice right away. (Goes back to icebox and slams its doors shut.) Of course, she never keeps the doors properly closed. (He re turns to sink and resumes dishwashing.) It s a funny thing. LAURA What is? ii THURSDAY EVENING GORDON Why, that a presumably intelligent coon can t understand the doors of an icebox are meant to be kept tight shut, to save ice. What does she suppose those little clamps are for? (Laura is silent. There is a pause, while Gordon scrapes portions of food of the soiled plates. He examines some of these plates rather carefully, and picks out several large pieces of meat, lettuce, butter, etc., which he puts on one plate at one side. Then he seems to resume his good humor and relights his pipe.} Well, it s jolly to have both the grand mothers here together, isn t it? LAURA Gordon, dear, put the silver away in the side board before it gets wet again. (He gathers up silver from the table in front of her and exit L. Laura steps outside door R, and returns, bringing garbage can, which she puts down by the sink. She begins to wash dishes, and sees the plate of odds and ends which Gordon has carefully put to one side. She scrapes its contents into the garbage pail. While she is washing, Gordon enter, L.) GORDON Now, Creature, let me do that. You don t want to spoil those pretty hands. (Takes them, with an attempt to be affectionate.) LAURA I guess it isn t any worse for them than washing the baby s things. GORDON Come on, old man, let me. (Gently removes her 12 THURSDAY EVENING from sink, and pushes her to the chair by the table. She sits down and wipes dishes as he hands them to her.} It doesn t take long when there are two of us. LAURA Gordie, these dishes aren t properly clean. You can t get that grease off without hot water. GORDON I guess that kettle s hot by now. (To stove, feels water in kettle.) Give it a minute longer. (Stands by stove and pugs at his pipe. In a mo ment of false security , he foolishly reopens a dan gerous topic.} You know, I m a little worried about Mother. LAURA (putting away dishes) Why? GORDON I don t think she s as well as usual. She hardly ate any of her salad. LAURA (turns as though about to say something, but checks herself and pauses a moment. This time it is she who tries honorably to avert the gathering storm) Oh, Gordie, I forgot to tell you! Junior drank out of a cup to-day the first time! GORDON He did! The little rascal! LAURA Look, here s the cup. (Shows a small silver cup} GORDON (affectionately, putting his arm around her} Well, well. (Looks at cup.) What cup is that? I don t seem to remember it THURSDAY EVENING LAURA Why Mother brought it with her. She used it when she was a baby. GORDON Where s that nice old Christening mug of mine? I think Junior would like to use that once in a while, too. LAURA I put it away, dear. I was afraid Ethel might dent it. GORDON (takes kettle from stove, goes back to sink) I hope Mother isn t feeling poorly. I noticed at supper LAURA When hot meat is served, refined people usually call it dinner GORDON (looks at her cautiously , and suddenly seems to realize that they are on the edge of an abyss) Now, honey, you re tired. You go and rest, I ll finish up here. LAURA No, thank you. I like to see that everything gets cleaned up properly. Someone might come snooping out here, and then there d be hints about my housekeeping. Of course, I ll admit I wasn t brought up to be a cook GORDON (seeks inspiration by relighting his pipe, and takes up a handsome silver coffee pot) One thing I never can make out is, how to pre vent coffee grounds from going down the sink. (He talks desperately, trying to tide over the mutu ally realized danger point.) Perhaps if I could 14 THURSDAY EVENING invent some kind of a little coffee-ground strainer I d make our fortune. That coffee was delicious, Creature. LAURA Take care of that urn, it s one of the few hand some things we have. GORDON It is a beauty. LAURA Jack Davis gave it to .me GORDON (puts it down with distaste) I guess I d better attend to the garbage. LAURA (nervously) It s all fixed. GORDON I always like Thursdays because that s the one evening Ethel doesn t get a chance to throw away about five dollars worth of good food. LAURA I fixed the garbage. You can put the pail out side. GORDON (hunting among plates on the shelf beside sink) Where s that plate I put here? There was a lot of perfectly good stuff I saved LAURA (blows up at last) Well, if you think I m going to keep a lot of half- eaten salad your Mother picked over GORDON (seizes garbage pail, lifts it up to the sink and begins to explore its contents. His fuse also is rapidly shortening.) My Lord, it s no wonder we never have any 15 THURSDAY EVENING money to spend if we chuck half of it away in waste. (Picking out various selections.) Waste! Look at that piece of cheese, and those potatoes. You could take those things, and some of this meat, and make a nice economical hash for lunch LAURA It s a wonder you wouldn t get a job as a scav enger. I never heard of a husband like you, rummaging through the garbage pail. GORDON (bloWS Up) Do you know what the one unforgivable sin is? The sin against the Holy Ghost? It s Waste! It makes me wild to think of working and work ing like a dog, and half of what I earn just thrown away by an ignorant coon. Look at this, just look at it! (Displays a grisly object.) There s enough meat on that bone to make soup. And ye gods, here s that jar of anchovy paste! (Holds it up.) I thought you got that for me as a little treat. I wondered where it had gone to. Why, I hadn t eaten more than just the top of it. LAURA Well, you left it, and left it, and it got mildewed. GORDON Scrape it off. A little mildew won t hurt any body. There ll be mildew on my bank account if this kind of thing goes on. (Still examining garbage pail.) Look here, about half a dozen slices of bread. What s the matter with them, I d like to know. 16 THURSDAY EVENING LAURA I think it s the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. To go picking over the garbage pail like that. You attend to your affairs and I ll attend to mine. GORDON I guess throwing away good, hard-earned money is my affair, isn t it? LAURA You re always quick enough to find fault. I know Ethel s careless, but she s the best I can get out here in this godforsaken suburb. Maybe you ll be good enough to find me a better serv ant. A well-trained girl wouldn t work in this old dump, where there isn t even gas. You don t seem to know when you re lucky. You come back at night and find your home well cared for and me slaving over a hot dinner, and do you ever say a word of thanks ? No, all you can think of is finding fault. I can t imagine how you were brought up. Your Mother GORDON Just leave my mother out of it. I guess she didn t spoil me the way yours did you. Of course, I wasn t an only daughter LAURA I wish you had been. Then I wouldn t have married you. GORDON I suppose you think that if you d married Jack Davis or some other of those profiteers you d never have had to see the inside of a kitchen THURSDAY EVENING LAURA If Junior grows up with your disposition, all I can say is, I hope he ll never get married. GORDON If he gets married, I hope it ll be to some girl who understands something about economy LAURA If he gets married, I hope he ll be man enough not to be always finding fault GORDON Well, he wont get married! I ll put him wise to what marriage means, fussing like this all the time LAURA Yes, he will get married. He shall get married! GORDON Oh, this is too absurd LAURA He shall get married, just to be a humiliating example to his father. I ll bring him up the way a husband ought to be. GORDON In handcuffs, I suppose LAURA And his wife won t have to sit and listen to per petual criticism from his mother GORDON If you re so down on mothers-in-law, it s queer you re anxious to be one yourself. The ex pectant mother-in-law! LAURA All right, be vulgar. I dare say you can t help it. 18 THURSDAY EVENING GORDON Great Scott, what did you think marriage was like, anyway? Did you expect to go through life having everything done for you, without a little hard work to make it interesting? LAURA Is it necessary to shout? GORDON Now let me tell you something. Let s see if you can ratify it from your extensive observa tion of life. Is there anything in the world so cruel as bringing up a girl in absolute ignorance of housework, believing that all her days she s going to be waited on hand and foot, and that marriage is one long swoon of endearments LAURA There s not much swooning while you re around. GORDON Why, I believe you actually think your life is wrecked if you aren t being petted and praised every minute. You pretend to think marriage is so sacred and yet you re buffaloed by a few greasy dishes. I like my kind of sacredness bet ter than yours, and that s the sacredness of common sense. Marriage ought not to be per formed before an altar, but before a kitchen sink. LAURA (furiously) I ought to have known that oil and water won t mix. I ought to have known that a vulgar, selfish, conceited man couldn t make a girl happy who was brought up in a refined family. 19 THURSDAY EVENING I was a Sheffield, and why I ever became a Johns is more than I can imagine. Johns I suppose that s camouflage for Jones. You re too com mon, too ordinary, to know when you re lucky. You get a charming aristocratic wife and expect her to grub along like a washerwoman. You try to crush all the life and spirit out of her. You ought to have married an icebox that s the only thing in this house you re really at tentive to. GORDON Now listen LAURA (will not be checked) Talk about being spoiled why, your Mother babies you so, you think you re the only man on earth. (Sarcastically.} Her poor, over worked boy, who tries so hard and gets all fagged out in the office and struggles so nobly to support his family! I wonder how you d like to run this house and bear a child and take care of it and shuffle along with an ignorant coon for a maid and then cook a big dinner and be sneered at and never a word of praise. All you can think of is picking over the garbage pail and finding fault GORDON (like a fool) I didn t find fault. I found some good food being wasted. LAURA All right, if you love the garbage pail better than you do your wife, you can live with it. (Flings her dishtowel on the floor and exit, L.) 20 THURSDAY EVENING (Gordon stands irresolutely at the sink, and makes a few gloomy motions among the unfinished dishes. He glares at the garbage can. Then he carefully gathers those portions of food that he had chosen as being still usable, contemplates them grimly , then puts them on a plate and, after some hesita tion^ puts the plate in the icebox. He takes the garbage can and puts it outside door, R. He re turns into the kitchen, but then a sudden fit of anger seizes him.) GORDON It s always the way! (Tears of apron, throws it on the floor , and exit R, slamming door.) {After a brief pause, the door at the rear, opening onto the back stairs, is cautiously opened, and Mrs. Sheffield enters quietly. She takes one swift look around the disordered kitchen, picks up dish- towel and apron from the floor, and sets to work rapidly to clean up. Then the back stairs door is again opened in the same stealthy way, and Mrs. Johns enters. The two ladies seem to take each other s measure with instinctive shrewdness, and fall into a silent, businesslike team-play in putting things to rights. Mrs. Johns takes charge at the sink, and the remaining dishes spin under her ca pable hands. Mrs. Sheffield takes them from her, rapidly polishes them, and puts them away on the shelves. There is unconscious comedo in the trained precision and labor-saving method of their actions, which are synchronized so that every time Mrs. Johns holds out a washed dish, Mrs. Sheffield is moving back from the cabinet, ready to receive 21 THURSDAY EVENING it. They work like automatons , for perhaps two minutes not a word is said, and the two seem, by searching side-glances, to be probing each other s mood.) MRS. JOHNS If it wasn t so tragic I d laugh. (A pause, during which they work busily.) MRS. SHEFF If it wasn t so comic I d cry. (Another pause.) I guess it s my fault. Poor Laura, I m afraid I have spoiled her. MRS. JOHNS My fault, I think. Two mothers-in-law at once is too much for any young couple. I didn t know you were here, or I wouldn t have come. MRS. SHEFF Laura is so dreadfully sensitive, poor child MRS. JOHNS Gordon works so hard at the office. You know he s trying to get promoted to the sales depart ment, and I suppose it tells on his nerves MRS. SHEFF If Laura could afford to have a nurse to help her with the baby she wouldn t get so exhausted MRS. JOHNS Gordon says he wants to take out some more in surance, that s why he worries so about economy. It isn t for himself, he s really very unselfish MRS. SHEFF (a little tartly) Still, I do think that sometimes (They pause and look at each other quickly.) My gracious, we ll be at it ourselves if we don t look out! 22 THURSDAY EVENING (She goes to the clothes-horse and rearranges the garments on it. She holds up a lilliputian shirt, and they both smile.) MRS. JOHNS That darling baby! I hope he won t have poor Gordon s quick temper. It runs in the Johns family, I m afraid. I was an Armstrong before I married Gordon s father I didn t know what temper was until I married either my own or his. MRS. SHEFF I was a Thomson Thomson without the P, you know, from Rhode Island. All families are hot tempered. All husbands families, anyway. MRS. JOHNS Gordon s father used to say that Adam and Eve didn t know when they were well off. He said that was why they called it the Garden of Eden. MRS. SHEFF Why? MRS. JOHNS Because there was no mother-in-law there. MRS. SHEFF Poor children, they have such a lot to learn! I really feel ashamed, Mrs. Johns, because Laura is an undisciplined little thing, and I m afraid I ve always petted her too much. She had such a lot of attention before she met Gor don, and was made so much of, jit gave her wrong ideas. MRS. JOHNS I wish Gordon was a little younger, I d like to 23 THURSDAY EVENING turn him up and spank him. He s dreadfully stubborn and tactless MRS. SHEFF But f I m afraid I did make a mistake. Laura was having such a good time as a girl, I was al ways afraid she d have a hard awakening when she married. But Mr. Sheffield had a good deal of money at that time, and he used to say, She s only young once, let her enjoy herself. MRS. JOHNS My husband was shortsighted, too. He had had to skimp so, that he brought up Gordon to have a terror of wasting a nickel. MRS. SHEFF Very sensible. I wish Mr. Sheffield had had a little more of that terror. ]fl shall have to tell him what his policy has resulted in. But really, you know, when I heard them at it, I could hardly help admiring them. (With a sigh.) It brings back old times ! MRS. JOHNS So it does! (A pause?) But we can t let them go on like this. A little vigorous quarreling is good for everybody. It s a kind of spiritual laxative. But they carry it too far. MRS. SHEFF They re awfully ingenious. They were even bickering about Junior s future mother-in-law. I suppose she s still in school, whoever she may be! MRS. JOHNS Being a mother-in-law is almost as painful as being a mother. 24 THURSDAY EVENING MRS. SHEFF I think every marriage ought to be preceded by a treaty of peace between the two mothers. If they understand each other, everything will work out all right. MRS. JOHNS You re right. \Yhen each one takes sides with her own child, it s fatal. MRS. SHEFF (lowering her voice) Look here, I think I know how we can make them ashamed of themselves. Where are they now? MRS. JOHNS (goes cautiously to door L, and peeps through} Laura is lying on the couch in the living-room. I think she s crying her face is buried in the cushions. MRS. SHEFF Splendid. That means she s listening with all her ears (Tiptoes to window^ R.) I can t see Gordon, but I think he s walking round the garden MRS. JOHNS (quietly) If we were to talk a little louder he d sit on the back steps to hear it MRS. SHEFF Exactly. Now listen! (They put their heads to gether and whisper; the audience does not hear what is said.) MRS. JOHNS Fine! Oh, that s fine! (Mrs. Sheffield whispers 25 THURSDAY EVENING again, inaudible to the spectators?) But wait a moment. Don t you think it would be better if / praise Laura and you praise Gordon ? They won t expect that, and it might shame them MRS. SHEFF No, no! Don t you see (Whispers again, in- audibly.) MRS. JOHNS You re right. Cunning as serpents and harm less as doves (They carefully set both doors, L and R, ajar.) MRS. SHEFF I only hope we won t wake the baby (They return to the task of cleaning up, and talk very loud, in pretended quarrel?) MRS. JOHNS Where do these dessert plates go? MRS. SHEFF On this shelf. MRS. JOHNS You re here so much more often than I, nat urally you know Laura s arrangements better. MRS. SHEFF It s a lucky thing I am here. I don t know what poor Laura would do without me at such a dreadful time MRS. JOHNS Poor Laura! I should say she s very fortunate, such a good husband MRS. SHEFF I think it s rather sad for a girl who has had as much as she has, to come down to this 26 THURSDAY EVENING MRS. JOHNS It s perfectly wonderful how Gordon has got on in business MRS. SHEFF He ought to, with such a lovely home, run like a clock MRS. JOHNS Yes. An alarm clock. MRS. SHEFF Well, I m not going to see my daughter s happi ness ruined MRS. JOHNS I always knew he d make some girl a fine hus band MRS. SHEFF Perhaps. But he seems to have picked the wrong girl. Laura has too much spirit to be bullied MRS. JOHNS Well, perhaps it was all a mistake. Poor Gor don, he works so hard. I believe his hair is going white over his ears already. MRS. SHEFF Stuff! That s lather from where he shaved this morning. He s too slovenly to wash it off. MRS. JOHNS It isn t right that a young man should have to slave the way he does MRS. SHEFF (apparently in a passion) Do you think that business slavery can com pare to household slavery? I think it s heart- 27 THURSDAY EVENING rending to see an attractive girl like Laura shut up in a poky little house doing drudgery and tend ing a baby. Think of it, having to take care of her own baby! Why, it s an outrage. If Gor don was half a man, he d get her a trained baby nurse so she wouldn t have to look at the poor little thing MRS. JOHNS (scathing) Yes, how sad that Gordon should have to en trust his son to amateur care when it needs sci entific attention. MRS. SHEFF Poor darling Laura she never ought to have had a baby. MRS. JOHNS Gordon is too intellectual to be bothered with these domestic details. He ought to be able to concentrate on his work. MRS. SHEFF (coming close to Mrs. Johns, feigning great rage, but grimacing to show it is merely^ acting) Well, if you don t think my daughter is good enough for your son, I can always take her home with me. I guess I can find room for her, and we can put the child in an institution. (Both nearly laugh, but recover themselves.) MRS. JOHNS Don t worry. / // take the child. He s a Johns anyway, not a Sheffield. And you just watch Gordon, when he s relieved of all this family worry and quarreling. He ll make his mark in the world. He s too fine to be tied down by a wife that doesn t understand him. 28 THURSDAY EVENING MRS. SHEFF Oh, how happy Laura will be to hear this. My sweet, clever, attractive, economical, sensible little girl, free at last. Her married life has been a nightmare. That great, hulking, selfish man has tried to trample all the joy out of her. He shan t do it. MRS. JOHNS I never heard of a young husband as self-sacri ficing as Gordon. I don t believe he ever goes out for an evening with other men, and he never spends anything on himself MRS. SHEFF I think the way Laura runs her little home is just wonderful. See how she struggles to keep her kitchen in order this miserable, incon venient little kitchen, no gas, no pantry, no de cent help. I think it s terrible she has had to put up with so much (They pause, and listen at the door, L. The kitchen is now spick and span. Mrs. Johns makes a gesture to indicate that Laura is taking it all in, offstage.) MRS. JOHNS Well, then, it s all settled. MRS. SHEFF Yes. As Laura s mother, I can t let her go on like this. A husband, a home, and a babv it s enough to ruin any woman. MRS. JOHNS It s only fair to both sides to end it all. I never heard of such brutal hardships. Gordon can t fight against these things any longer. Throwing 29 THURSDAY EVENING / away a soupbone and three slices of bread! I wonder he doesn t go mad. MRS. SHEFF We ve saved them just in time. (They look at each other knowingly , with the air of those who have done a sound bit of work. Then they stealthily open the door at the rear y and exeunt up the back stairs.) (There is a brief pame; then the door L opens like an explosion , and Laura bursts in. She stands for a moment, wild-eyed^ stamps her foot in a pas sion. Then she seizes one of the baby shirts from the rack) and drops into the chair by the table > cry ing. She buries her head in her arms, concealing the shirt. Enter Gordon, R. He stands uncer tainly -, evidently feeling like a fool.) GORDON I m sorry, I I left my pipe in here. (Finds it by the sink.) LAURA (her face still hidden) Oh, Gordie, was it all a mistake? GORDON (troubled, pats her shoulder tentatively) Now listen, Creature, don t. You ll make yourself sick. LAURA I never thought I d hear such things from my own mother. GORDON I never heard such rot. They must be mad, both of them. 30 THURSDAY EVENING LAURA Then you were listening, too GORDON Yes. Why, they re deliberately trying to set us against each other. LAURA They wouldn t have dared speak like that if they had known we could hear. Gordon, I don t think it s legal GORDON I m afraid the law doesn t give one much pro tection against one s mothers. LAURA (miserably) I guess she s right. I am spoiled, and I am silly, and I am extravagant GORDON Don t be silly, darling. That s crazy stuff. I m not overworked, and even if I were I d love it, for you LAURA I don t want a nurse for Junior. I wouldn t have one in the house. (Sits up, dishevelled, and^dis- plays the small shirt she has been clutching?) Gor don, I m not an amateur! I love that baby and I am scientific. I keep a chart of his weight every week. i GORDON Yes, I know, ducky, Gordon understands. Soon we ll be able to buy that scales you want, and we won t have to weigh him on the meat balance. LAURA Nobody can take away my darling baby THURSDAY EVENING GORDON It was my fault, dear. I am obstinate and dis agreeable LAURA I ll speak to Ethel about the garbage GORDON Ethel s all right. We re lucky to have her. LAURA Gordon, you mustn t work too hard. You know you re all I have (A sob.) since Mother s gone back on me. GORDON (patting her) I think it s frightful, the things they said. What are they trying to do, break up a happy home? LAURA We are happy, aren t we? GORDON Well, I should say so. Did you ever hear me complain? (Takes her in his arms.) LAURA No, Gordie. It was cruel of them to try to make trouble between us but, perhaps, some of the things they said GORDON Were true? LAURA Well, not exactly true, dear, but interesting! your mother is right, you do have a hard time, and I ll try- GORDON (stops her) No, your mother is right. I ve been a brute 32 THURSDAY EVENING LAURA I m lucky to have such a husband (They are silent a moment?) GORDON I suppose you ll think it an awful anticlimax LAURA What, dear? GORDON Suppose we have something to eat? LAURA (happily) Good idea. Quarreling always makes me hungry. (They go to the icebox.) I didn t really get any supper to speak of, I was worrying about everything so GORDON (opening icebox) You mean dinner, honey among refined people ! LAURA Don t be a tease. Come on, we ll have a snack (She discovers Gordon s plate of left-overs.) GORDON Throw out that junk I was idiotic to save it. LAURA No, Gordie, you were quite right. We must save everything we can. Four or five heads of lettuce would make a new shirt for Junior. GORDON (bewildered) Lettuce? LAURA I mean, if we saved that much, it would make enough money to buy him a new little vest. He s getting so enormous (She puts plate of left-overs on the table, with some other cold food.) 33 THURSDAY EVENING GORDON There, now, this is better. (They sit down at table) LAURA (thoughtfully) You know, Gordie, we mustn t let them know we heard them. GORDON No, I suppose not. But it s hard to forgive that sort of talk. LAURA Even if they did say atrocious things, I think they really love us GORDON We ll be a bit cold and stand-offish until things blow over. LAURA (complacently) If I m ever a mother-in-law, I shall try to be very understanding GORDON Yes, Creature. Do you remember why I call you Creature? LAURA Do I not? GORDON There was an adjective omitted, you remember. LAURA Oh, Gordie, that s one of the troubles of married life. So many of the nice adjectives seem to get omitted. GORDON Motto for married men: Don t run short of ad- 34 THURSDAY EVENING jectives! You remember what the adjective was? LAURA Tell me. GORDON Adorable. It was an abbreviation for Adorable Creature (Holds her. They are both perfectly happy.) I love our little Thursday evenings. LAURA (partly breaks from his embrace) Sssh! (Listens.) Was that the baby? CURTAIN [5] Appleton Dramatic Anthologies TWENTY CONTEMPORARY ONE-ACT PLAYS AMERICAN Edited by FRANK SHAY THIS volume represents a careful and intelligent selection of the best One-act Plays written by Americans and produced by the Little Theatres in America during recent seasons. They are representative of the best work of writers in this field and show the high level to which the art theatre has risen in America. The editor has brought to his task a love of the theatre and a knowledge of what is best through long association with the leading producing groups. Amateur producers will quickly recognize the actability of the plays he has chosen, and their general excellence for Little Theatre use. Aside from its individual importance, the volume, together with Fifty Contemporary One-Act Plays and Fifty More Con temporary One-Act Plays, will make up the most important collection of short plays published. In the Book are the following Plays by the following Authors Mirage ................................. George M. P. Baird Napoleon s Barber ............................ Arthur Caesar Goat Alley ....................... Ernest Howard Culbertson Sweet and Twenty ............................... Floyd Dell Tickless Time ......... Susan Glaspell and George Cram Cook The Hero of Santa Maria . . . Kenneth Sawyer Goodman and Ben Hecht All Gummed Up .................... Harry Wagstaff Gribble Thompson s Luck .................. Harry Greenwood Grover Fata Deorum ............................... Carl W. Guske Pearl of Dawn ............................. Holland Hudson Finders-Keepers ............................... George Kelly Solomon s Song ............................... Harry Kemp Matinata ................................ Lawrence Langner The Conflict ...................... Clarice Vallette McCauley Two Slatterns and a King ............ Edna St. Vincent Millay Thursday Evening ....................... Christopher Morley The Dreamy Kid ............................ Eugene O Neill Forbidden Fruit ............................ George J. Smith Jezebel ................................ Dorothy Stockbridge Sir David Wears a Crown ..................... Stuart Walker i2mo. Cloth, $3.7$ Send for Complete Dramatic Catalogue D. APPLETON AND COMPANY NEW YORK LONDON The Appleton Little Theatre Plays Edited by GRACE ADAMS No. Titles 1. The Ghost Story, by Booth Tarkington 2. Sounding Brass, by Edvcard Hall Bierstadt 3. A Fan and Two Candlesticks, by Mary MacMillan 4. The Trysting Place, by Booth Tarkington 5. Yniard, by John Martin 6. The Letters, by Frank C. Tompkins 1. Nevertheless, by Stuart Walker 8. Pierrot s Mother, by Clerm Hughes 9. Aria Da, Capo, by Edna St. Vincent Millay 10. The Lamp and the Bell, by Edna St. Vincent Millay U. Himbo the Pirate, by Booth Tarkinglon The Appleton Short Plays 1. Shakespeare Smiles, by Lawton Campbell 2. Dragon s Glory, by Certrude Knecels 3. Pan or Pierrot, by Mary MacMillan 4. It s Time Something Happened, by Arthur Doyle 5. The Blue and Green Mat of Abdul Hassan, by Constance C. Wilcox 6. Bottled in Bond, by Clenn Hughes 7. A Child of the Frontier, by EXma E. Levinger 8. Boots, by Ransom Rideout 9. A Knight of the Piney Woods, by Arthur MacLtan 10. The Heart of Frances, by Constance C, Wilcox 11. Exile, by Arthur Doyle 12. Suburb anism, by Ray Parish 13. The Managers, by Joseph C. Lincoln 14. The Eldest, by Edna Ferber 15. Riches, by Gilbert Emery 16. Post Mortems, by Charles Divine 17. Pirtle Drums It In, by Charles Divine 18. The Flying Prince, by Peggy and Eugene Wood 19. Station Y Y Y Y, by Booth Tarkinglon 20. The Travelers, by Booth Tarkington 21. Plenty of Time, by Mary MacMillan 22. Shame the Devil, by Kenyon Nicholson ana Alit Je Sola 23. The Prize Winner, by Merrill Denison 24. A Good Provider, by Elaine Sterne Carrington 25. None Too Good for Dodo, by Clenn Hughe* Others in Preparation Bound in Art Paper, each 50 Cents D. APPLETON & COMPANY, NEW YORK 10V 18 1 NOV 1 9 191 DEC 3M IAN_ 7 1! IFEB EB !B 26 193^ - M3&5 y- UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW AN INITIAL FINE OF 25 CENTS WILL BE ASSESSED FOR FAILURE TO RETURN THIS BOOK ON THE DATE DUE. THE PENALTY WILL INCREASE TO 5O CENTS ON THE FOURTH DAY AND TO $1.OO ON THE SEVENTH DAY OVERDUE. JAN 7 1933 FEB 6 1933 re. ^ JUL 16 1038 NOKciatwfejg NOV 1 1939 B26f935 ^331948^