PR 3450 F00 V.2 o o LlBRAkY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORN!A SAN DIEGO J Fot // 'l//lM¥ Q ) Mm * X o p— I fa > fa o o fa o h fa s z o en < W x H fa O fa fa s U < fa Q fa O D Q fa fa THE HISTORY OF THE Htoentuves of Josepb Hn&rews AND HIS FRIEND MR ABRAHAM ADAMS -fe^SS- BOOK II.— continued. Chapter fit}. An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber. PARSON Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he found stript into his waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand, just come from serving his hogs ; for Mr Trulliber was a parson on Sundays, but all the other six might more properly be called a fanner. He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he rented a consider- able deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy, and followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly to his care, which he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs ; on which occasion he was liable to many jokes, his own size being, with much ale, rendered little inferior to that of the beasts he sold. He was indeed one of the largest II. a 2 THE ADVENTURES OF men you should see, and could have acted the part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that the rotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness of his stature, his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when he lay on his back, as when he stood on his legs. His voice was loud and hoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To complete the whole, he had a stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that of a goose, only he stalked slower. Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him, immediately slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an old night-gown, being the dress in which he always saw his company at home. His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's arrival, had made a small mistake ; for she had told her husband, " She believed there was a man come for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hasten with the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adams than, not in the least doubting the cause of his errand to be what his wife had imagined, he told him, " He was come in very good time ; that he expected a dealer that very afternoon ; " and added, " they were all pure and fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams answered, " He believed he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have seen you often at fair ; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you. Yes, yes," cries he, " I remember thy face very well, but won't mention a word more till you have seen them, though I have never sold thee a flitch of such bacon as is now in the stye." Upon which he laid violent hands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, which was indeed but two steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived there than he cry'd out, " Do but handle them ! step in, friend ! art welcome to handle them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate, he JOSEPH ANDREWS. 3 pushed Adams into the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handle them before he would talk one word with him. Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obliged to comply before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold on one of their tails, the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that he threw poor Adams all along in the mire. Trulliber, instead of assisting him to get up, burst into a laughter, and, entering the stye, said to Adams, with some con- tempt, "Why, dost not know how to handle a hog?" and was going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he had carried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than he escaped out of the reach cf the animals, and cried out, " Nihil babeo cum porcis : I am a clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs." Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for the mistake, but that he must blame his wife," adding, " she was a fool, and always committed blunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that he would only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dry his greatcoat, wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. Mrs Trulliber would have brought him a basin of water to wash his face, but her husband bid her be quiet like a fool as she was, or she would commit more blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. While Adams was thus employed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the appearance of his guest, fastened the parlour door, and now con- ducted him into the kitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm, and whispered his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a short silence Adams said, " I fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be a clergyman." — " Ay, ay," cries Trulliber, grinning, " I perceive you have some cassock ; I will not venture to caale it a whole one." Adams answered, 4 THE ADVENTURES OF " It was indeed none of the best, but he had the mis- fortune to tear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber, returning with the drink, told her husband, " She fancied the gentleman was a traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bid her hold her impertinent tongue, and asked her, " If parsons used to travel without horses ? " adding, " he supposed the gentleman had none by his having no boots on." — " Yes, sir, yes," says Adams ; " I have a horse, but I have left him behind me." — " I am glad to hear you have one," says Trulliber ; " for I assure you I don't love to see clergymen on foot ; it is not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here Trulliber made a long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not much worth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess of porridge on it for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, " I don't know, friend, how you came to caale on me ; however, as you are here, if you think proper to eat a morsel, you may." Adams accepted the invitation, and the two parsons sat down together ; Mrs Trulliber waiting behind her husband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat heartily, but scarce put anything in his mouth with- out finding fault with his wife's cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she was so absolute an admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, of which she had frequent hints from his own mouth, that she almost carried her adoration to an opinion of his infallibility. To say the truth, the parson had exercised her more ways than one ; and the pious woman had so well edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved to receive the bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed been at first a little contentious ; but he had long since got the better ; partly by her love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by her religion, partly by the respect JOSEPH ANDREWS. 5 he paid himself, and partly by that which he received from the parish. She had, in short, absolutely submitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did Abraham, calling him (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband gave her a fresh example of his greatness ; for, as she had just delivered a cup of de to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, " I caal'd vurst," swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it ; it was referred to the wife, who, though her conscience was on the side of Adams, durst not give it against her husband ; upon which he said, " No, sir, no ; I should not have been so rude to have taken it from you if you had caal'd vurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the best he in the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst." As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the following manner : " I think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business of my embassy. I am a traveller, and am passing this way in company with two young people, a lad and a damsel, my parishioners, towards my own cure ; we stopt at a house of hospitality in the parish, where they directed me to you as having the cure." — " Though I am but a curate," says Trulliber, " I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhaps the rector of the next parish too ; I believe I could buy them both." — "Sir," cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my business is, that we are by various accidents stript of our money, and are not able to pay our reckoning, being seven shillings. I therefore request you to assist me with the loan of those seven shillings, and also seven shillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you ; but if not, I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of laying up a treasure in a better place than any this world affords." Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagined a client, when the lawyer was 6 THE ADVENTURES OF preparing his palm for the fee, should pull out a writ against him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of a chariot containing some great doctor of eminent skill, should, instead of directions to a patient, present him with a potion for himself. Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord , or sir , or esq. with a good broomstick. Suppose a civil companion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, and beauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, and ugliness, and folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when a tradesman first carries in his bill, the man of fashion should pay it ; or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman should abate what he had overcharged, on the suppo- sition of waiting. In short — suppose what you will, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to the astonishment which seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. A while he rolled his eyes in silence ; sometimes surveying Adams, then his wife ; then casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven. At last he burst forth in the following accents : " Sir, I believe I know where to lay up my little treasure as well as another. I thank G — , if I am not so warm as some, I am content ; that is a blessing greater than riches ; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be content with a little is greater than to possess the world ; which a man may possess without being so. Lay up my treasure ! what matters where a man's treasure is whose heart is in the Scriptures ? there is the treasure of a Christian." At these words the water ran from Adams's eyes ; and, catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, " Brother," says he, " heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you ! I would have walked many a mile to have communed with you ; and, believe me, I will shortly pay you a second visit ; but my friends, I fancy, by this time, JOSEPH ANDREWS. 7 wonder at my stay ; so let me have the money im- mediately." Trulliber then put on a stern look, and cried out, " Thou dost not intend to rob me ? " At which the wife, bursting into tears, fell on her knees and roared out, " O dear sir ! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master ; we are but poor people." " Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business," said Trulliber ; " dost think the man will venture his life ? he is a beggar, and no robber." " Very true, indeed," answered Adams. " I wish, with all my heart, the tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber ; " I would have thee punished as a vagabond for thy impudence. Fourteen shillings indeed ! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe thou art no more a clergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife) ; "but if thou art, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for running about the country in such a manner." " I forgive your suspicions," says Adams ; " but suppose I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother ; and thou, as a Christian, much more as a clergyman, art obliged to relieve my distress." " Dost preach to me ? " replied Trulliber ; " dost pretend to instruct me in my duty ? " " Ifacks, a good story," cries Mrs Trulliber, " to preach to my master." " Silence, woman," cries Trulliber. " I would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shall not learn my duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better than to give to vagabonds." " Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rate obliges us to give so much charity," cries the wife. " Pugh ! thou art a fool. Poor's reate ! Hold thy nonsense," answered Trulliber ; and then, turning to Adams, he told him, " he would give him nothing." " I am sorry," answered Adams, " that you do know what charity is, since you practise it no better : I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledge for your justification, you will find yourself 8 THE ADVENTURES OF deceived, though you should add faith to it, without good works." " Fellow," cries Trulliber, " dost thou speak against faith in my house ? Get out of my doors : I will no longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks wantonly of faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams. "How! not name the Scriptures ! Do you disbelieve the Scrip- tures ? " cries Trulliber. " No ; but you do," answered Adams, " if I may reason from your practice ; for their commands are so explicit, and their rewards and punish- ments so immense, that it is impossible a man should stedfastly believe without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, no duty more frequently en- joined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void of charity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." " I would not advise thee," says Trulliber, " to say that I am no Christian : I won't take it of you ; for I believe I am as good a man as thyself" (and indeed, though he was now rather too corpulent for athletic exercises, be had, in his youth, been one of the best boxers and cudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist, interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a true Christian, and take the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams to strike, but an absolute assault on himself or his friend, he smiled at the angry look and gestures of Trulliber ; and, telling him he was sorry to see such men in orders, departed without further ceremony. JOSEPH ANDREWS. Chapter j;i). An adventure, the consequence of a netv instance which parson Adams gave of his forgetfulness. WHEN he came back to the inn he found Joseph and Fanny sitting together. They were so far from thinking his absence long, as he had feared they would, that they never once missed or thought of him. Indeed, I have been often assured by both, that they spent these hours in a most delightful conversation ; but, as I never could prevail on either to relate it, so I cannot communicate it to the reader. Adams acquainted the lovers with the ill success of his enterprize. They were all greatly confounded, none being able to propose any method of departing, till Joseph at last advised calling in the hostess, and desiring her to trust them ; which Fanny said she de- spaired of her doing, as she was one of the sourest-faced women she had ever beheld. But she was agreeably disappointed ; for the hostess was no sooner asked the question than she readily agreed ; and, with a curtsy and smile, wished them a good journey. However, lest Fanny's skill in physiog- nomy should be called in question, we will venture to assign one reason which might probably incline her to this confidence and good-humour. When Adams said he was going to visit his brother, he had unwittingly imposed on Joseph and Fanny, who both believed he had meant his natural brother, and not his brother in divinity, and had so informed the hostess, on her en- quiry after him. Now Mr Trulliber had, by his pro- fessions of piety, by his gravity, austerity, reserve, and the opinion of his great wealth, so great an authority in his parish, that they all lived in the utmost fear and apprehension of him. It was therefore no wonder that IP THE ADVENTURES OF the hostess, who knew It was in his option whether she should ever sell another mug of drink, did not dare to affront his supposed brother by denying him credit. They were now just on their departure when Adams recollected he had left his greatcoat and hat at Mr Trulliber's. As he was not desirous of renewing his visit, the hostess herself, having no servant at home, offered to fetch it. This was an unfortunate expedient ; for the hostess was soon undeceived in the opinion she had entertained of Adams, whom Trulliber abused in the grossest terms, especially when he heard he had had the assurance to pretend to be his near relation. At her return, therefore, she entirely changed her note. She said, " Folks might be ashamed of travel- ling about, and pretending to be what they were not. That taxes were high, and for her part she was obliged to pay for what she had ; she could not therefore pos- sibly, nor would she, trust anybody ; no, not her own father. That money was never scarcer, and she wanted to make up a sum. That she expected, therefore, they should pay their reckoning before they left the house." Adams was now greatly perplexed ; but, as he knew that he could easily have borrowed such a sum in his own parish, and as he knew he would have lent it him- self to any mortal in distress, so he took fresh courage, and sallied out all round the parish, but to no purpose ; he returned as pennyless as he went, groaning and lamenting that it was possible, in a country professing Christianity, for a wretch to starve in the midst of his fellow-creatures who abounded. Whilst he was gone, the hostess, who stayed as a sort of guard with Joseph and Fanny, entertained them with the goodness of parson Trulliber. And, indeed, he had not only a very good character as to other qualities in die neighbourhood, but was reputed a man JOSEPH ANDREWS. II of great charity ; for, though he never gave a farthing, he had always that word in his mouth. Adams was no sooner returned the second time than the storm grew exceedingly high, the hostess declaring, among other things, that, if they offered to stir without paying her, she would soon overtake them with a warrant. Plato and Aristotle, or somebody else, hath said, that ivhen the most exquisite cunning falls, chance often hits the mark, and that by means the least expected. Virgil expresses this very boldly : — Turne, quod optanti divum promittere nemo Auderet, volvenda dies, en! attulit ultro. I would quote more great men if I could ; but my memory not permitting me, I will proceed to exemplify these observations by the following instance : — There chanced (for Adams had not cunning enough to contrive it) to be at that time in the alehouse a fellow who had been formerly a drummer in an Irish regi- ment, and now travelled the country as a pedlar. This man, having attentively listened to the discourse of the hostess, at last took Adams aside, and asked him what the sum was for which they were detained. As soon as he was informed, he sighed, and said, " He was sorry it was so much ; for that he had no more than six shillings and sixpence in his pocket, which he would lend them with all his heart." Adams gave a caper, and cry'd out, " It would do ; for that he had sixpence himself." And thus these poor people, who could not engage the compassion of riches and piety, were at length delivered out of their distress by the charity of a poor pedlar. I shall refer it to my reader to make what observa- tions he pleases on this incident : it is sufficient for me to inform him that, after Adams and his companions 12 THE ADVENTURES OF had returned him a thousand thanks, and told him where he might call to be repaid, they all sallied out of the house without any compliments from their hostess, or indeed without paying her any ; Adams declaring he would take particular care never to call there again ; and she on her side assuring them she wanted no such guests. Chapter put. A very curious adventure, in which Mr Adams gave a much greater instance of the honest simplicity of his heart, than of his experience in the ivays of this world. OUR travellers had walked about two miles from that inn, which they had more reason to have mis- taken for a castle than Don Quixote ever had any of those in which he sojourned, seeing they had met with such difficulty in escaping out of its walls, when they came to a parish, and beheld a sign of invitation hanging out. A gentleman sat smoaking a pipe at the door, of whom Adams inquired the road, and received so courteous and obliging an answer, accompanied with so smiling a countenance, that the good parson, whose heart was naturally disposed to love and affection, began to ask several other questions ; particularly the name of the parish, and who was the owner of a large house whose front they then had in prospect. The gentleman answered as obligingly as before ; and as to the house, acquainted him it was his own. He then proceeded in the following manner : " Sir, I presume by your habit you are a clergyman ; and as you are travelling on foot I suppose a glass of good beer will not be dis- agreeable to you ; and I can recommend my landlord's JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 3 within as some of the best in all this country. What say you, will you halt a little and let us take a pipe together ? there is no better tobacco in the kingdom." This proposal was not displeasing to Adams, who had allayed his thirst that day with no better liquor than what Mrs Trulliber's cellar had produced ; and which was indeed little superior, either in richness or flavour, to that which distilled from those grains her generous husband bestowed on his hogs. Having, therefore, abundantly thanked the gentleman for his kind invi- tation, and bid Joseph and Fanny follow him, he entered the alehouse, where a large loaf and cheese and a pitcher of beer, which truly answered the character given of it, being set before them, the three travellers fell to eating, with appetites infinitely more voracious than are to be found at the most exquisite eating-houses in the parish of St. James's. The gentleman expressed great delight in the hearty and cheerful behaviour of Adams ; and particularly in the familiarity with which he conversed with Joseph and Fanny, whom he often called his children ; a term he explained to mean no more than his parishioners ; saying, " He looked on all those whom God had in- trusted to his cure to stand to him in that relation." The gentleman, shaking him by the hand, highly applauded those sentiments. " They are, indeed," says he, " the true principles of a Christian divine ; and I heartily wish they were universal ; but, on the con- trary, I am sorry to say the parson of our parish, instead of esteeming his poor parishioners as a part ot his family, seems rather to consider them as not of the same species with himself. He seldom speaks to any, unless some few of the richest of us ; nay, indeed, he will not move his hat to the others. I often laugh when I behold him on Sundays strutting along the churchyard like a turkey-cock through rows of his 14 THE ADVENTURES OF parishioners, who bow to him with as much submis- sion, and are as unregarded, as a set of servile courtiers by the proudest prince in Christendom. But if such temporal pride is ridiculous, surely the spiritual is odious and detestable ; if such a pufFed-up empty human bladder, strutting in princely robes, justly moves one's derision, surely in the habit of a priest it must raise our scorn." " Doubtless," answered Adams, " your opinion is right ; but I hope such examples are rare. The clergy whom I have the honour to know maintain a different behaviour ; and you will allow me, sir, that the readiness which too many of the laity show to contemn the order may be one reason of their avoiding too much humility." " Very true, indeed," says the gentleman ; " I find, sir, you are a man of excellent sense, and am happy in this opportunity of knowing you ; perhaps our accidental meeting may not be dis- advantageous to you neither. At present I shall only say to you that the incumbent of this living is old and infirm, and that it is in my gift. Doctor, give me your hand ; and assure yourself of it at his decease." Adams told him, " He was never more confounded in his life than at his utter incapacity to make any return to such noble and unmerited generosity." "A mere trifle, sir," cries the gentleman, " scarce worth your acceptance ; a little more than three hundred a year. I wish it was double the value for your sake." Adams bowed, and cried from the emotions of his gratitude ; when the other asked him, " If he was married, or had any children, besides those in the spiritual sense he had mentioned." " Sir," replied the parson, " I have a wife and six at your service." " That is unlucky," says the gentleman ; " for I would otherwise have taken you into my own house as my chaplain ; how- ever, I have another in the parish (for the parsonage-house JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 5 is not good enough), which I will furnish for you. Pray, does your wife understand a dairy ? " "I can't profess she does," says Adams. " I am sorry for it," quoth the gentleman ; " I would have given you half- a-dozen cows, and very good grounds to have main- tained them." " Sir," said Adams, in an ecstasy, " you are too liberal ; indeed you are." " Not at all," cries the gentleman : " I esteem riches only as they give me an opportunity of doing good ; and I never saw one whom I had a greater inclination to serve." At which words he shook him heartily by the hand, and told him he had sufficient room in his house to entertain him and his friends. Adams begged he might give him no such trouble ; that they could be very well accommodated in the house where they were ; forgetting they had not a sixpenny piece among them. The gentleman would not be denied ; and, informing himself how far they were travelling, he said it was too long a journey to take on foot, and begged that they would favour him by suffering him to lend them a servant and horses ; adding, withal, that, if they would do him the pleasure of their company only two days, he would furnish them with his coach and six. Adams, turning to Joseph, said, " How lucky is this gentleman's goodness to you, who I am afraid would be scarce able to hold out on your lame leg ! " and then, addressing the person who made him these liberal promises, after much bowing, he cried out, " Blessed be the hour which first introduced me to a man of your charity ! you are indeed a Christian of the true primitive kind, and an honour to the country wherein you live. I would willingly have taken a pilgrimage to the Holy Land to have beheld you ; for the ad- vantages which we draw from your goodness give me little pleasure, in comparison of what I enjoy for your own sake when I consider the treasures you are by I 6 THE ADVENTURES OF these means laying up for yourself in a country that passeth not away. We will therefore, most generous sir, accept your goodness, as well the entertainment you have so kindly offered us at your house this evening, as the accommodation of your horses to-morrow morn- ing." He then began to search for his hat, as did Joseph for his ; and both they and Fanny were in order of departure, when the gentleman, stopping short, and seeming to meditate by himself for the space of about a minute, exclaimed thus : " Sure never anything was so unlucky ; I had forgot that my house- keeper was gone abroad, and hath locked up all my rooms ; indeed, I would break them open for you, but shall not be able to furnish you with a bed ; for she has likewise put away all my linen. I am glad it entered into my head before I had given you the trouble of walking there ; besides, I believe you will find better accommodations here than you expected.— Landlord, you can provide good beds for these people, can't you ? " " Yes, and please your worship," cries the host, " and such as no lord or justice of the peace in the kingdom need be ashamed to lie in." " I am heartily sorry," says the gentleman, " for this disap- pointment. I am resolved I will never suffer her to carry away the keys again." " Pray, sir, let it not make you uneasy," cries Adams ; " we shall do very well here ; and the loan of your horses is a favour we shall be incapable of making any return to." " Ay ! ,] said the squire, "the horses shall attend you here at what hour in the morning you please ; " and now, after many civilities too tedious to enumerate, many squeezes by the hand, with most affectionate looks and smiles at each other, and after appointing the horses at seven the next morning, the gentleman took his leave of them, and departed to his own house. Adams and his companions returned to the table, where the JOSEPH ANDREWS. I 7 parson smoaked another pipe, and then they all retired to rest. Mr Adams rose very early, and called Joseph out of his bed, between whom a very fierce dispute ensued, whether Fanny should ride behind Joseph, or behind the gentleman's servant ; Joseph insisting on it that he was perfectly recovered, and was as capable of taking care of Fanny as any other person could be. But Adams would not agree to it, and declared he would not trust her behind him ; for that he was weaker than he imagined himself to be. This dispute continued a long time, and had begun to be very hot, when a servant arrived from their good friend, to acquaint them that he was unfortunately pre- vented from lending them any horses ; for that his groom had, unknown to him, put his whole stable under a course of physic. This advice presently struck the two disputants dumb : Adams cried out, " Was ever anything so un- lucky as this poor gentleman ? I protest I am more sorry on his account than my own. You see, Joseph, how this good-natured man is treated by his servants ; one locks up his linen, another physics his horses, and I suppose, by his being at this house last night, the butler had locked up his cellar. Bless us ! how good- nature is used in this world ! I protest I am more concerned on his account than my own." " So am not I," cries Joseph ; " not that I am much troubled about walking on foot; all my concern is, how we shall get out of the house, unless God sends another pedlar to redeem us. But certainly this gentleman has such an affection for you, that he would lend you a larger sum than we owe here, which is not above four or five shillings." "Very true, child," answered Adams ; " I will write a letter to him, and will even venture to solicit him for three half-crowns ; there will ii b 1 8 THE ADVENTURES OF be no harm in having two or three shillings in our pockets ; as we have full forty miles to travel, we may possibly have occasion for them." Fanny being now risen, Joseph paid her a visit, and left Adams to write his letter, which having finished, he despatched a boy with it to the gentleman, and then seated himself by the door, lighted his pipe, and betook himself to meditation. The boy staying longer than seemed to be necessary, Joseph, who with Fanny was now returned to the parson, expressed some apprehensions that the gentle- man's steward had locked up his purse too. To which Adams answered, " It might very possibly be, and he should wonder at no liberties which the devil might put into the head of a wicked servant to take with so worthy a master ; " but added, " that, as the sum was so small, so noble a gentleman would be easily able to procure it in the parish, though he had it not in his own pocket. Indeed," says he, "if it was four or five guineas, or any such large quantity of money, it might be a different matter." They were now sat down to breakfast over some toast and ale, when the boy returned and informed them that the gentleman was not at home. " Very well ! " cries Adams ; " but why, child, did you not stay till his return ? Go back again, my good boy, and wait for his coming home ; he cannot be gone far, as his horses are all sick ; and besides, he had no intention to go abroad, for he invited us to spend this day and to- morrow at his house. Therefore go back, child, and tarry till his return home." The messenger departed, and was back again with great expedition, bringing an account that the gentleman was gone a long journey, and would not be at home again this month. At these words Adams seemed greatly confounded, saying, " This must be a sudden accident, as the sickness or death of a JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 9 relation or some such unforeseen misfortune ; " and then, turning to Joseph, cried, " I wish you had reminded me to have borrowed this money last night." Joseph, smiling, answered, " He was very much deceived if the gentleman would not have found some excuse to avoid lending it. — I own," says he, "I was never much pleased with his professing so much kindness for you at first sight ; for I have heard the gentlemen of our cloth in London tell many such stories of their masters. But when the boy brought the message back of his not being at home, I presently knew what would follow; for, whenever a man of fashion doth not care to fulfil his promises, the custom is to order his servants that he will never be at home to the person so promised. In London they call it denying him. I have myself denied Sir Thomas Booby above a hundred times, and when the man hath danced attendance for about a month or some- times longer, he is acquainted in the end that the gentle- man is gone out of town and could do nothing in the business." — "Good Lord!" says Adams, "what wickedness is there in the Christian world ! I profess almost equal to what I have read of the heathens. But surely, Joseph, your suspicions of this gentleman must be unjust, for what a silly fellow must he be who would do the devil's work for nothing ! and canst thou tell me any interest he could possibly propose to himself by deceiving us in his professions ? " — " It is not for me," answered Joseph, " to give reasons for what men do, to a gentle- man of your learning." — "You say right," quoth Adams ; " knowledge of men is only to be learned from books ; Plato and Seneca for that ; and those are authors, I am afraid, child, you never read." — "Not I, sir, truly," answered Joseph ; " all I know is, it is a maxim among the gentlemen of our cloth, that those masters who promise the most perform the least ; and I have often heard them say they have found the largest 20 THE ADVENTURES OF vails in those families where they were not promised any. But, sir, instead of considering any farther these matters, it would be our wisest way to contrive some method of getting out of this house ; for the generous gentleman, instead of doing us any service, hath left us the whole reckoning to pay." Adams was going to answer, when their host came in, and, with a kind of jeering smile, said, " Well, masters ! the squire hath not sent his horses for you yet. Laud help me ! how easily some folks make promises ! " — " How ! " says Adams ; " have you ever known him do anything of this kind before ? " — " Ay ! marry have I," answered the host : " it is no business of mine, you know, sir, to say any- thing to a gentleman to his face ; but now he is not here, I will assure you, he hath not his fellow within the three next market-towns. I own I could not help laughing when I heard him offer you the living, for thereby hangs a good jest. I thought he would have offered you my house next, for one is no more his to dispose of than the other." At these words Adams, blessing himself, de- clared, " He had never read of such a monster. But what vexes me most," says he, " is, that he hath decoyed us into running up a long debt with you, which we are not able to pay, for we have no money about us, and, what is worse, live at such a distance, that if you should trust us, I am afraid you would lose your money for want of our finding any conveniency of sending it." — "Trust you, master !" says the host, "that I will with all my heart. I honour the clergy too much to deny trusting one of them for such a trifle ; besides, I like your fear of never paying me. I have lost many a debt in my lifetime, but was promised to be paid them all in a very short time. I will score this reckoning for the novelty of it. It is the first, I do assure you, of its kind. But what say you, master, shall we have t'other pot before we part ? It will waste but a little chalk more, and if JOSEPH ANDREWS. 21 you never pay me a shilling the loss will not ruin me." Adams liked the invitation very well, especially as it was delivered with so hearty an accent. He shook his host by the hand, and thanking him, said, " He would tarry another pot rather for the pleasure of such worthy company than for the liquor ; " adding, " he was glad to find some Christians left in the kingdom, for that he almost began to suspect that he was sojourning in a country inhabited only by Jews and Turks." The kind host produced the liquor, and Joseph with Fanny retired into the garden, where, while they solaced themselves with amorous discourse, Adams sat down with his host ; and, both filling their glasses, and lighting their pipes, they began that dialogue which the reader will find in the next chapter. Chapter rim. A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and his host, •which, by the disagreement in their opinions, seemed to threaten an nnluchy catastrophe, had it not been timely prevented by the return of the lovers. " O IR," said the host, " I assure you you are not the ^^ first to whom our squire hath promised more than he hath performed. He is so famous for this practice, that his word will not be taken for much by those who know him. I remember a young fellow whom he promised his parents to make an exciseman. The poor people, who could ill afford it, bred their son to writing and accounts, and other learning to qualify him for the place ; and the boy held up his head above his condition with these hopes ; nor would he go to plough, nor to any other kind of work, and went constantly drest 2 2 THE ADVENTURES OF as fine as could be, with two clean Holland shirts a week, and this for several years ; till at last he followed the squire up to London, thinking there to mind him of his promises ; but he could never get sight of him. So that, being out of money and business, he fell into evil company and wicked courses ; and in the end came to a sentence of transportation, the news of which broke the mother's heart. — I will tell you another true story of him. There was a neighbour of mine, a farmer, who had two sons whom he bred up to the business. Pretty lads they were. Nothing would serve the squire but that the youngest must be made a parson. Upon which he persuaded the father to send him to school, promising that he would afterwards maintain him at the university, and, when he was of a proper age, give him a living. But after the lad had been seven years at school, and his father brought him to the squire, with a letter from his master that he was fit for the university, the squire, instead of minding his promise, or sending him thither at his expense, only told his father that the young man was a fine scholar, and it was pity he could not afford to keep him at Oxford for four or five years more, by which time, if he could get him a curacy, he might have him ordained. The farmer said, " He was not a man sufficient to do any such thing." — " Why, then," answered the squire, " I am very sorry you have given him so much learning ; for, if he cannot get his living by that, it will rather spoil him for anything else ; and your other son, who can hardly write his name, will do more at ploughing and sowing, and is in a better condition, than he." And indeed so it proved ; for the poor lad, not finding friends to maintain him in his learning, as he had expected, and being unwilling to work, fell to drinking, though he was a very sober lad before ; and in a short time, partly with grief, and partly with good liquor, fell into a consumption, and JOSEPH ANDREWS. 23 died. — Nay, I can tell you more still : there was an- other, a young woman, and the handsomest in all this neighbourhood, whom he enticed up to London, pro- mising to make her a gentlewoman to one of your women of quality ; but, instead of keeping his word, we have since heard, after having a child by her him- self, she became a common whore ; then kept a coffee- house in Covent Garden ; and a little after died of the French distemper in a gaol. — I could tell you many more stories ; but how do you imagine he served me myself? You must know, sir, I was bred a seafaring man, and have been many voyages ; till at last I came to be master of a ship myself, and was in a fair way of making a fortune, when I was attacked by one of those cursed guarda-costas who took our ships before the be- ginning of the war ; and after a fight, wherein I lost the greater part of my crew, my rigging being all de- molished, and two shots received between wind and water, I was forced to strike. The villains carried off my ship, a brigantine of 150 tons — a pretty creature she was — and put me, a man, and a boy, into a little bad pink, in which, with much ado, we at last made Falmouth ; though I believe the Spaniards did not imagine she could possibly live a day at sea. Upon my return hither, where my wife, who was of this country, then lived, the squire told me he was so pleased with the defence I had made against the enemy, that he did not fear getting me promoted to a lieutenancy of a man-of-war, if I would accept of it ; which I thankfully assured him I would. Well, sir, two or three years passed, during which I had many repeated promises, not only from the squire, but (as he told me) from the lords of the admiralty. He never returned from London but I was assured I might be satisfied now, for I was certain of the first vacancy ; and, what surprizes me still, when I reflect on it, these 24 THE ADVENTURES OF assurances were given me with no less confidence, after so many disappointments, than at first. At last, sir, growing weary, and somewhat suspicious, after so much delay, I wrote to a friend in London, who I knew had some acquaintance at the best house in the admiralty, and desired him to back the squire's interest ; for in- deed I feared he had solicited the affair with more coldness than he pretended. And what answer do you think my friend sent me ? Truly, sir, he acquainted me that the squire had never mentioned my name at the admiralty in his life ; and, unless I had much faith- fuller interest, advised me to give over my pretensions ; which I immediately did, and, with the concurrence of my wife, resolved to set up an alehouse, where you are heartily welcome ; and so my service to you ; and may the squire, and all such sneaking rascals, go to the devil together." — " O fie ! " says Adams, " O fie ! He is indeed a wicked man ; but G — will, I hope, turn his heart to repentance. Nay, if he could but once see the meanness of this detestable vice ; would he but once reflect that he is one of the most scandalous as well as pernicious lyars ; sure he must despise himself to so in- tolerable a degree, that it would be impossible for him to continue a moment in such a course. And to confess the truth, notwithstanding the baseness of this character, which he hath too well deserved, he hath in his coun- tenance sufficient symptoms of that bona indoles, that sweetness of disposition, which furnishes out a good Christian." — "Ah, master! master!" says the host, " if you had travelled as far as I have, and conversed with the many nations where I have traded, you would not give any credit to a man's countenance. Symptoms in his countenance, quotha ! I would look there, per- haps, to see whether a man had the small-pox, but for nothing else." He spoke this with so little regard to the parson's observation, that it a good deal nettled him ; JOSEPH ANDREWS. 25 and, taking the pipe hastily from his mouth, he thus answered : " Master of mine, perhaps I have travelled a great deal farther than you without the assistance of a ship. Do you imagine sailing by different cities or countries is travelling ? No. "Cadum non animum mutant qui trans mare currant. I can go farther in an afternoon than you in a twelve- month. What, I suppose you have seen the Pillars of Hercules, and perhaps the walls of Carthage. Nay, you may have heard Scylla, and seen Charybdis ; you may have entered the closet where Archimedes was found at the taking of Syracuse. I suppose you have sailed among the Cyclades, and passed the famous straits which take their name from the unfortunate Helle, whose fate is sweetly described by Apollonius Rhodius ; you have passed the very spot, I conceive, where Daedalus fell into that sea, his waxen wings being melted by the sun ; you have traversed the Euxine sea, I make no doubt ; nay, you may have been on the banks of the Caspian, and called at Colchis, to see if there is ever another golden fleece." " Not I, truly, master," answered the host : " I never touched at any of these places." — " But I have been at all these," replied Adams. " Then, I suppose," cries the host, " you have been at the East Indies ; for there are no such, I will be sworn, either in the West or the Levant." — "Pray where' s the Levant?" quoth Adams; "that should be in the East Indies by right." " Oho ! you are a pretty traveller," cries the host, "and not know the Levant ! My service to you, master ; you must not talk of these things with me ! you must not tip us the traveller ; it won't go here." " Since thou art so dull to misunderstand me still," quoth Adams, " I will inform thee ; the travelling I mean is in books, the only way of travelling by which any knowledge is to be 26 THE ADVENTURES OF acquired. From them I learn what I asserted just now, that nature generally imprints such a portraiture of the mind in the countenance, that a skilful physiognomist will rarely be deceived. I presume you have never read the story of Socrates to this purpose, and therefore I will tell it you. A certain physiognomist asserted of Socrates, that he plainly discovered by his features that he was a rogue in his nature. A character so contrary to the tenour of all this great man's actions, and the generally received opinion concerning him, incensed the boys of Athens so that they threw stones at the physi- ognomist, and would have demolished him for his ignorance, had not Socrates himself prevented them by confessing the truth of his observations, and acknow- ledging that, though he corrected his disposition by philosophy, he was indeed naturally as inclined to vice as had been predicated of him. Now, pray resolve me — How should a man know this story if he had not read it ? " " Well, master," said the host, " and what signifies it whether a man knows it or no ? He who goes abroad, as I have done, will always have oppor- tunities enough of knowing the world without troubling his head with Socrates, or any such fellows." " Friend," cries Adams, " if a man should sail round the world, and anchor in every harbour of it, without learning, he would return home as ignorant as he went out." " Lord help you ! " answered the host ; " there was my boatswain, poor fellow ! he could scarce either write or read, and yet he would navigate a ship with any master of a man-of-war ; and a very pretty knowledge of trade he had too." " Trade," answered Adams, " as Aristotle proves in his first chapter of Politics, is below a philosopher, and unnatural as it is managed now." The host looked stedfastly at Adams, and after a minute's silence asked him, " If he was one of the writers of the Gazetteers ? for I have heard," says JOSEPH ANDREWS. 27 he, "they are writ by parsons." "Gazetteers!" answered Adams, " what is that ? " " It is a dirty newspaper," replied the host, " which hath been given away all over the nation for these many years, to abuse trade and honest men, which I would not suffer to lye on my table, though it hath been offered me for nothing." " Not I truly," said Adams ; " I never write anything but sermons ; and I assure you I am no enemy to trade, whilst it is consistent with honesty ; nay, I have always looked on the tradesman as a very valuable member of society, and, perhaps, inferior to none but the man of learning." " No, I believe he is not, nor to him neither," answered the host. " Of what use would learning be in a country without trade ? What would all you parsons do to clothe your backs and feed your bellies ? Who fetches you your silks, and your linens, and your wines, and all the other necessaries of life ? I speak chiefly with regard to the sailors." " You should say the extravagancies of life," replied the parson ; " but admit they were the neces- saries, there is something more necessary than life itself, which is provided by learning ; I mean the learning of the clergy. Who clothes you with piety, meekness, humility, charity, patience, and all the other Christian virtues ? Who feeds your souls with the milk of brotherly love, and diets them with all the dainty food of holiness, which at once cleanses them of all impure carnal affections, and fattens them with the truly rich spirit of grace ? Who doth this ? " " Ay, who, indeed ? " cries the host ; " for I do not remember ever to have seen any such clothing or such feeding. And so, in the mean time, master, my service to you." Adams was going to answer with some severity, when Joseph and Fanny returned and pressed his departure so eagerly that he would not refuse them ; and so, grasping his crabstick, he took leave of his host (neither 2S ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS. of them being so well pleased with each other as they had been at their first sitting down together), and with Joseph and Fanny, who both expressed much impatience, departed, and now all together renewed their journey. BOOK III. C&aptcr t. Matter prefatory in praise of biography. NOTWITHSTANDING the preference which may be vulgarly given to the authority of those romance writers who entitle their books " the History of England, the History of France, of Spain, &c," it is most certain that truth is to be found only in the works of those who celebrate the lives of great men, and are commonly called biographers, as the others should indeed be termed topographers, or chorographers ; words which might well mark the distinction between them ; it being the business of the latter chiefly to describe countries and cities, which, with the assistance of maps, they do pretty justly, and may be depended upon ; but as to the actions and characters of men, then- writings are not quite so authentic, of which there needs no other proof than those eternal contradictions occurring between two topographers who undertake the history of the same country : for instance, between my Lord Clarendon and Mr Whitelocke, between Mr Echard and Rapin, and many others ; where, facts being set forth in a different light, every reader believes as he pleases ; and, indeed, the more judicious and suspicious very justly esteem the whole as no other than a romance, in which the writer hath indulged a happy and fertile invention. But though these widely differ in the narrative of facts ; some ascribing victory to the one, 29 3zen oaths that he would kiss her ; to which she at st submitted, begging he would not be rude ; but he ■« is not satisfied with the civility of a salute, nor even wit.i the rudest attack he could make on her lips, but caught her in his arms, and endeavoured to kiss her breasts, which with all her strength she resisted, and, as our spark was not of the Herculean race, with some diffi- culty prevented. The young gentleman, being soon out of breath in the struggle, quitted her, and, remounting his horse, called one of his servants to him, whom he ordered to stay behind with her, and make her any offers whatever to prevail on her to return home with him in the evening ; and to assure her he would take her into keeping. He then rode on with his other servants, and arrived at the lady's house, to whom he was a distant relation, and was come to pay a visit. The trusty fellow, who was employed in an office he had been long accustomed to, discharged his part with all the fidelity and dexterity imaginable, but to no purpose. She was entirely deaf to his offers, and rejected them with the utmost disdain. At last the pimp, who had perhaps more warm blood about him than his master, began to sollicit for himself; he told her, though he was a servant, he was a man of some fortune, which he would make her mistress of; and this without any insult to her virtue, for that he would marry her. She answered, if his master himself, or the greatest lord in the land, would marry her, she would refuse him. At last, being weary with persuasions, and '(j> t>r// /f//-f/',t/.t />< r JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 69 on fire with charms which would have almost kindled a flame in the bosom of an ancient philosopher or modern divine, he fastened his horse to the ground, and attacked her with much more force than the gentle- man had exerted. Poor Fanny would not have been able to resist his rudeness a short time, but the deity who presides over chaste love sent her Joseph to her assistance. He no sooner came within sight, and per- ceived her struggling with a man, than, like a cannon- ball, or like lightning, or anything that is swifter, if anything be, he ran towards her, and, coming up just as the ravisher had torn her handkerchief from her breast, before his lips had touched that seat of inno- cence and bliss, he dealt him so lusty a blow in that part of his neck which a rope would have become with the utmost propriety, that the fellow staggered back- wards, and, perceiving he had to do with something rougher than the little, tender, trembling hand of Fanny, he quitted her, and, turning about, saw his rival, with fire flashing from his eyes, again ready to assail him ; and, indeed, before he could well defend himself, or return the first blow, he received a second, which, had it fallen on that part of the stomach to which it was directed, would have been probably the last he would have had any occasion for ; but the ravisher, lifting up his hand, drove the blow upwards to his mouth, whence it dislodged three of his teeth ; and now, not conceiving any extraordinary affection for the beauty of Joseph's person, nor being extremely pleased with this method of salutation, he collected all his force, and aimed a blow at Joseph's breast, which he artfully parried with one fist, so that it lost its force entirely in air ; and, stepping one foot backward, he darted his fist so fiercely at his enemy, that, had he not caught it in his hand (for he was a boxer of no inferior fame), it must have tumbled him on the ground. And now the ravisher 170 THE ADVENTURES OF meditated another blow, which he aimed at that part of the breast where the heart is lodged ; Joseph did not catch it as before, yet so prevented its aim that it fell directly on his nose, but with abated force. Joseph then, moving both fist and foot forwards at the same time, threw his head so dexterously into the stomach of the ravisher that he fell a lifeless lump on the field, where he lay many minutes breathless and motionless. When Fanny saw her Joseph receive a blow in his face, and blood running in a stream from him, she began to tear her hair and invoke all human and divine power to his assistance. She was not, however, long under this affliction before Joseph, having conquered his enemy, ran to her, and assured her he was not hurt ; she then instantly fell on her knees, and thanked God that he had made Joseph the means of her rescue, and at the same time preserved him from being injured in attempting it. She offered, with her handkerchief, to wipe his blood from his face ; but he, seeing his rival attempting to recover his legs, turned to him, and asked him if he had enough ? To which the other answered he had ; for he believed he had fought with the devil instead of a man ; and, loosening his horse, said he should not have attempted the wench if he had known she had been so well provided for. Fanny now begged Joseph to return with her to parson Adams, and to promise that he would leave her no more. These were propositions so agreeable to Joseph, that, had he heard them, he would have given an immediate assent ; but indeed his eyes were now his only sense ; for you may remember, reader, that the ravisher had tore her handkerchief from Fanny's neck, by which he had discovered such a sight, that Joseph hath declared all the statues he ever beheld were so much inferior to it in beauty, that it was more capable of converting a man into a statue than of being imitated JOSEPH ANDREWS. 171 by the greatest master of that art. This modest creature, whom no warmth in summer could ever induce to expose her charms to the wanton sun, a modesty to which, perhaps, they owed their inconceivable whiteness, had stood many minutes bare-necked in the presence of Joseph before her apprehension of his danger and the horror of seeing his blood would suffer her once to reflect on what concerned herself; till at last, when the cause of her concern had vanished, an admiration at his silence, together with observing the fixed position of his eyes, produced an idea in the lovely maid which brought more blood into her face than had flowed from Joseph's nostrils. The snowy hue of her bosom was likewise changed to vermilion at the instant when she clapped her handkerchief round her neck. Joseph saw the uneasiness she suffered, and immediately removed his eyes from an object, in surveying which he had felt the greatest delight which the organs of sight were capable of conveying to his soul ; — so great was his fear of offending her, and so truly did his passion for her deserve the noble name of love. Fanny, being recovered from her confusion, which was almost equalled by what Joseph had felt from observing it, again mentioned her request ; this was instantly and gladly complied with ; and together they crossed two or three fields, which brought them to the habitation of Mr Adams. 172 THE ADVENTURES OF Chapter totti. A discourse which happened between Mr Adams, Mrs Adams, Joseph, and Fanny ; with some behaviour of Mr Adams which will be called by some few readers very low, absurd, and unnatural. THE parson and his wife had just ended a long dispute when the lovers came to the door. Indeed, this young couple had been the subject of the dispute ; for Mrs Adams was one of those prudent people who never do anything to injure their families, or, perhaps, one of those good mothers who would even stretch their conscience to serve their children. She had long entertained hopes of seeing her eldest daughter succeed Mrs Slipslop, and of making her second son an exciseman by Lady Booby's interest. These were expectations she could not endure the thoughts of quitting, and was, therefore, very uneasy to see her husband so resolute to oppose the lady's intention in Fanny's affair. She told him, " It be- hoved every man to take the first care of his family ; that he had a wife and six children, the maintaining and providing for whom would be business enough for him without intermeddling in other folks' affairs ; that he had always preached up submission to superiors, and would do ill to give an example of the contrary behaviour in his own conduct ; that if Lady Booby did wrong she must answer for it herself, and the sin would not lie at their door ; that Fanny had been a servant, and bred up in the lady's own family, and consequently she must have known more of her than they did, and it was very improbable, if she had be- haved herself well, that the lady would have been so bitterly her enemy ; that perhaps he was too much inclined to think well of her because she was handsome, JOSEPH ANDREWS. I 73 but handsome women were often no better than they should be ; that G — made ugly women as well as handsome ones ; and that if a woman had virtue it signified nothing whether she had beauty or no." For all which reasons she concluded he should oblige the lady, and stop the future publication of the banns. But all these excellent arguments had no effect on the parson, who persisted in doing his duty without re- garding the consequence it might have on his worldly interest. He endeavoured to answer her as well as he could ; to which she had just finished her reply (for she had always the last word everywhere but at church) when Joseph and Fanny entered their kitchen, where the parson and his wife then sat at breakfast over some bacon and cabbage. There was a coldness in the civility of Mrs Adams which persons of accurate speculation might have observed, but escaped her present guests ; indeed, it was a good deal covered by the heartiness of Adams, who no sooner heard that Fanny had neither eat nor drank that morning than he presented her a bone of bacon he had just been gnawing, being the only remains of his provision, and then ran nimbly to the tap, and produced a mug of small beer, which he called ale ; however, it was the best in his house. Joseph, addressing himself to the parson, told him the discourse which had past be- tween Squire Booby, his sister, and himself concerning Fanny ; he then acquainted him with the dangers whence he had rescued her, and communicated some apprehensions on her account. He concluded that he should never have an easy moment till Fanny was absolutely his, and begged that he might be suffered to fetch a licence, saying he could easily borrow the money. The parson answered, That he had already given his sentiments concerning a licence, and that a very few days would make it unnecessary. " Joseph," 174 THE ADVENTURES OF says he, " I wish this haste doth not arise rather from your impatience than your fear ; but, as it certainly springs from one of these causes, I will examine both. Of each of these therefore in their turn ; and first for the first of these, namely, impatience. Now, child, I must inform you that, if in your purposed marriage with this young woman you have no intention but the indulgence' of carnal appetites, you are guilty of a very heinous sin. Marriage was ordained for nobler purposes, as you will learn when you hear the service provided on that occasion read to you. Nay, perhaps, if you are a good lad, I, child, shall give you a sermon gratis, wherein I shall demonstrate how little regard ought to be had to the flesh on such occasions. The text will be Matthew the 5th, and part of the 28th verse — Whosoever looketh on a woman, so as to lust after her. The latter part I shall omit, as foreign to my purpose. Indeed, all such brutal lusts and affections are to be greatly subdued, if not totally eradicated, before the vessel can be said to be consecrated to honour. To marry with a view of gratifying those inclinations is a prostitution of that holy ceremony, and must entail a curse on all who so lightly undertake it. If, therefore, this haste arises from impatience, you are to correct, and not give way to it. Now, as to the second head which I proposed to speak to, namely, fear: it argues a diffidence, highly criminal, of that Power in which alone we should put our trust, seeing we may be well assured that he is able, not only to defeat the designs of our enemies, but even to turn their hearts. Instead of taking, therefore, any un- justifiable or desperate means to rid ourselves of fear, we should resort to prayer only on these occasions ; and we may be then certain of obtaining what is best for us. When any accident threatens us we are not to despair, nor, when it overtakes us, to grieve ; we JOSEPH ANDREWS. I 75 must submit in all things to the will of Providence, and set our affections so much on nothing here that we cannot quit it without reluctance. You are a young man, and can know but little of this world ; I am older, and have seen a great deal. All passions are criminal in their excess ; and even love itself, if it is not subservient to our duty, may render us blind to it. Had Abraham so loved his son Isaac as to refuse the sacrifice required, is there any of us who would not condemn him ? Joseph, I know your many good qualities, and value you for them ; but, as I am to render an account of your soul, which is committed to my cure, I cannot see any fault without reminding you of it. You are too much inclined to passion, child, and have set your affections so absolutely on this young woman, that, if G — required her at your hands, I fear you would reluctantly part with her. Now, believe me, no Christian ought so to set his heart on any per- son or thing in this world, but that, whenever it shall be required or taken from him in any manner by Divine Providence, he may be able, peaceably, quietly, and contentedly to resign it." At which words one came hastily in, and acquainted Mr Adams that his youngest son was drowned. He stood silent a moment, and soon began to stamp about the room and deplore his loss with the bitterest agony. Joseph, who was over- whelmed with concern likewise, recovered himself sufficiently to endeavour to comfort the parson ; in which attempt he used many arguments that he had at several times remembered out of his own discourses, both in private and public (for he was a great enemy to the passions, and preached nothing more than the conquest of them by reason and grace), but he was not at leisure now to hearken to his advice. " Child, child," said he, " do not go about impossibilities. Had it been any other of my children I could have 176 THE ADVENTURES OF borne it with patience ; but my little prattler, the darling and comfort of my old age — the little wretch, to be snatched out of life just at his entrance into it ; the sweetest, best-tempered boy, who never did a thing to offend me. It was but this morning I gave him his first lesson in Que Genus. This was the very book he learnt ; poor child ! it is of no further use to thee now. He would have made the best scholar, and have been an ornament to the Church ; — such parts and such goodness never met in one so young." " And the handsomest lad too," says Mrs Adams, recovering from a swoon in Fanny's arms. " My poor Jacky, shall I never see thee more ? " cries the parson. " Yes, surely," says Joseph, "and in a better place ; you will meet again, never to part more." I believe the par- son did not hear these words, for he paid little regard to them, but went on lamenting, whilst the tears trickled down into his bosom. At last he cried out, " Where is my little darling ? " and was sallying out, when to his great surprize and joy, in which I hope the reader will sympathize, he met his son in a wet condition indeed, but alive and running towards him. The person who brought the news of his misfortune had been a little too eager, as 'people sometimes are, from, I believe, no very good principle, to relate ill news ; and, seeing him fall into the river, instead of running to his assistance, directly ran to acquaint his father of a fate which he had concluded to be in- evitable, but whence the child was relieved by the same poor pedlar who had relieved his father before from a less distress. The parson's joy was now as extravagant as his grief had been before ; he kissed and embraced his son a thousand times, and danced about the room like one frantic ; but as soon as he discovered the face of his old friend the pedlar, and heard the fresh obligation he had to him, what were his sensa- JOSEPH ANDREWS. 177 tions? not those which two courtiers feel in one another's embraces ; not those with which a great man receives the vile treacherous engines of his wicked purposes, not those with which a worthless younger brother wishes his elder joy of a son, or a man con- gratulates his rival on his obtaining a mistress, a place, or an honour. — No, reader ; he felt the ebullition, the overflowings of a full, honest, open heart, towards the person who had conferred a real obligation, and of which, if thou canst not conceive an idea within, I will not vainly endeavour to assist thee. When these tumults were over, the parson, taking Joseph aside, proceeded thus — "No, Joseph, do not give too much way to thy passions, if thou dost expect happiness." The patience of Joseph, nor perhaps of Job, could bear no longer ; he interrupted the parson, saying, "It was easier to give advice than take it; nor did he perceive he could so entirely conquer him- self, when he apprehended he had lost his son, or when he found him recovered." — "Boy," replied Adams, raising his voice, " it doth not become green heads to advise grey hairs. — Thou art ignorant of the tenderness of fatherly affection ; when thou art a father thou wilt be capable then only of knowing what a father can feel. No man is obliged to impossibilities ; and the loss of a child is one of those great trials where our grief may be allowed to become immoderate." — "Well, sir," cries Joseph, " and if I love a mistress as well as you your child, surely her loss would grieve me equally." — "Yes, but such love is foolishness and wrong in itself, and ought to be conquered," answered Adams ; " it savours too much of the flesh." — " Sure, sir," says Joseph, " it is not sinful to love my wife, no, not even to doat on her to distraction ! " — " Indeed but it is," says Adams. " Every man ought to love his wife, no doubt ; we are commanded so to do ; but we ought to II. m 178 THE ADVENTURES OF love her with moderation and discretion." — " I am afraid I shall be guilty of some sin in spite of all my endea- vours," says Joseph ; " for I shall love without any moderation, I am sure." — " You talk foolishly and childishly," cries Adams. — "Indeed," says Mrs Adams, who had listened to the latter part of their conversation, " you talk more foolishly yourself. I hope, my dear, you will never preach any such doctrine as that husbands can love their wives too well. If I knew you had such a sermon in the house I am sure I would burn it, and I declare, if I had not been con- vinced you had loved me as well as you could, I can answer for myself, I should have hated and despised you. Marry come up ! Fine doctrine, indeed ! A wife hath a right to insist on her husband's loving her as much as ever he can ; and he is a sinful villain who doth not. Doth he not promise to love her, and to comfort her, and to cherish her, and all that ? I am sure I remember it all as well as if I had repeated it over but yesterday, and shall never forget it. Besides, I am certain you do not preach as you practise ; for you have been a loving and a cherishing husband to me ; that's the truth on't ; and why you should en- deavour to put such wicked nonsense into this young man's head I cannot devise. Don't hearken to him, Mr Joseph ; be as good a husband as you are able, and love your wife with all your body and soul too." Here a violent rap at the door put an end to their dis- course, and produced a scene which the reader will find in the next chapter. JOSEPH ANDREWS. I 79 Chapter if* A visit which the polite Lady Booby and her polite friend paid to the parson. THE Lady Booby had no sooner had an account from the gentleman of his meeting a wonderful beauty near her house, and perceived the raptures with which he spoke of her, than, immediately conclud- ing it must be Fanny, she began to meditate a design of bringing them better acquainted ; and to entertain hopes that the fine clothes, presents, and promises of this youth, would prevail on her to abandon Joseph : she therefore proposed to her company a walk in the fields before dinner, when she led them towards Mr Adams's house ; and, as she approached it, told them if they pleased she would divert them with one of the most ridiculous sights they had ever seen, which was an old foolish parson, who, she said, laughing, kept a wife and six brats on a salary of about twenty pounds a year ; adding, that there was not such another ragged family in the parish. They all readily agreed to this visit, and arrived whilst Mrs Adams was declaiming as in the last chapter. Beau Didapper, which was the name of the young gentleman we have seen riding towards Lady Booby's, with his cane mimicked the rap of a London footman at the door. The people within, namely, Adams, his wife and three children, Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar, were all thrown into confusion by this knock, but Adams went directly to the door, which being opened, the Lady Booby and her company walked in, and were received by the parson with about two hundred bows, and by his wife with as many curtsies ; the latter telling the lady " She was ashamed to be seen in such a pickle, and that her house was in such a litter ; but that if she had expected such an I So THE ADVENTURES OF honour from her ladyship she should have found her in a better manner." The parson made no apologies, though he was in his half-cassock and a flannel night- cap. He said "They were heartily welcome to his poor cottage," and turning to Mr Didapper, cried out, " Non mea renldet in domo lacunar" The beau answered, " He did not understand Welsh ; " at which the parson stared and made no reply. Mr Didapper, or beau Didapper, was a young gentle- man of about four foot five inches in height. He wore his own hair, though the scarcity of it might have given him sufficient excuse for a periwig. His face was thin and pale ; the shape of his body and legs none of the best, for he had very narrow shoulders and no calf; and his gait might more properly be called hopping than walking. The qualifications of his mind were well adapted to his person. We shall handle them first negatively. He was not entirely ignorant ; for he could talk a little French and sing two or three Italian songs ; he had lived too much in the world to be bashful, and too much at court to be proud : he seemed not much inclined to avarice, for he was profuse in his expenses; nor had he all the features of prodigality, for he never gave a shilling : no hater of women, for he always dangled after them ; yet so little subject to lust, that he had, among those who knew him best, the character of great moderation in his pleasures ; no drinker of wine ; nor so addicted to passion but that a hot word or two from an adversary made him immediately cool. Now, to give him only a dash or two on the affirma- tive side : though he was born to an immense fortune, he chose, for the pitiful and dirty consideration of a place of little consequence, to depend entirely on the will of a fellow whom they call a great man ; who treated him with the utmost disrespect, and exacted JOSEPH ANDREWS. l8l of him a plenary obedience to his commands, which he implicitly submitted to, at the expense of his con- science, his honour, and of his country, in which he had himself so very large a share. And to finish his character ; as he was entirely well satisfied with his own person and parts, so he was very apt to ridicule and laugh at any imperfection in another. Such was the little person, or rather thing, that hopped after Lady Booby into Mr Adams's kitchen. The parson and his company retreated from the chimney-side, where they had been seated, to give room to the lady and hers. Instead of returning any of the curtsies or extraordinary civility of Mrs Adams, the lady, turning to Mr Booby, cried out, " Quelle Bete ! Quel Animal 7 " And presently after discovering Fanny (for she did not need the circumstance of her standing by Joseph to assure the identity of her person), she asked the beau " Whether he did not think her a pretty girl ? " — " Begad, madam," answered he, " 'tis the very same I met." " I did not imagine," replied the lady, " you had so good a taste." — " Because I never liked you, I warrant," cries the beau. " Ridiculous! " said she : " you know you was always my aversion." " I would never mention aversion," answered the beau, " with that face ; * dear Lady Booby, wash your face before you mention aversion, I beseech you." He then laughed, and turned about to coquet it with Fanny. Mrs Adams had been all this time begging and praying the ladies to sit down, a favour which she at last obtained. The little boy to whom the accident had happened, still keeping his place by the fire, was chid by his mother for not being more mannerly : but * Lest this should appear unnatural to some readers, we think proper to acquaint them, that it is taken verbatim from very polite conversation. lS2 THE ADVENTURES OF Lady Booby took his part, and, commending his beauty, told the parson he was his very picture. She then, seeing a book in his hand, asked " If he could read ? " — " Yes," cried Adams, " a little Latin, madam : he is just got into Quae Genus." — "A fig for quere genius ! " answered she ; " let me hear him read a little English." — " Lege, Dick, lege," said Adams : but the boy made no answer, till he saw the parson knit his brows, and then cried, " I don't understand you, father." — " How, boy ! " says Adams ; " what doth lego make in the imperative mood ? Legito, doth it not ? " — " Yes," answered Dick. — " And what be- sides r " says the father. " Lege," quoth the son, after some hesitation. " A good boy," says the father : " and now, child, what is the English of lego ? " — To which the boy, after long puzzling, answered, he could not tell. " How ! " cries Adams, in a passion ; — " what, hath the water washed away your learning ? Why, what is Latin for the English verb read ? Con- sider before you speak." The child considered some time, and then the parson cried twice or thrice, " Le — , Le — ." Dick answered, " Lego." — " Very well ; — and then what is the English," says the parson, " of the verb lego ? " — " To read," cried Dick. — " Very well," said the parson ; " a good boy : you can do well if you will take pains. — I assure your ladyship he is not much above eight years old, and is out of his Propria quae Maribus already. — Come, Dick, read to her lady- ship ; " — which she again desiring, in order to give the beau time and opportunity with Fanny, Dick began as in the following chapter. JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 83 Chapter p. The history of ttvo friends, 'which may afford an useful lesson to all those persons ivho happen to take up their residence in married families. « T EONARD and Paul were two friends." — " Pro- _j nounce it Leonard, child," cried the parson. — " Pray, Mr Adams," says Lady Booby, " let your son read without interruption." Dick then pro- ceeded. " Lennard and Paul were two friends, who, having been educated together at the same school, com- menced a friendship which they preserved a long time for each other. It was so deeply fixed in both their minds, that a long absence, during which they had main- tained no correspondence, did not eradicate nor lessen it : but it revived in all its force at their first meeting, which was not till after fifteen years' absence, most of which time Lennard had spent in the East Indi-es." — "Pro- nounce it short, Indies," says Adams. " Pray, sir, be quiet," says the lady. — The boy repeated — " in the East Indies, whilst Paul had served his king and country in the army. In which different services they had found such different success, that Lennard was now married, and retired with a fortune of thirty thousand pounds ; and Paul was arrived to the degree of a lieu- tenant of foot ; and was not worth a single shilling. " The regiment in which Paul was stationed happened to be ordered into quarters within a small distance from the estate which Lennard had purchased, and where he was settled. This latter, who was now become a country gentleman, and a justice of peace, came to attend the quarter sessions in the town where his old friend was quartered, soon after his arrival. Some affair in which a soldier was concerned occasioned Paul to attend the justices. Manhood, and time, and the change of climate, 184 THE ADVENTURES OF had so much altered Lennard, that Paul did not im- mediately recollect the features of his old acquaintance : but it was otherwise with Lennard. He knew Paul the moment he saw him ; nor could he contain himself from quitting the bench, and running hastily to embrace him. Paul stood at first a little surprized ; but had soon sufficient information from his friend, whom he no sooner remembered than he returned his embrace with a passion which made many of the spectators laugh, and gave to some few a much higher and more agreeable sensation. " Not to detain the reader with minute circumstances, Lennard insisted on his friend's returning with him to his house that evening ; which request wa6 complied with, and leave for a month's absence for Paul obtained of the commanding officer. " If it was possible for any circumstance to give any addition to the happiness which Paul proposed in this visit, he received that additional pleasure by finding, on his arrival at his friend's house, that his lady was an old acquaintance which he had formerly contracted at his quarters, and who had always appeared to be of a most agreeable temper ; a character she had ever maintained among her intimates, being of that number, every indi- vidual of which is called quite the best sort of woman in the world. " But, good as this lady was, she was still a woman ; that is to say, an angel, and not an angel." — " You must mistake, child," cries the parson, " for you read non- sense." — " It is so in the book," answered the son. Mi- Adams was then silenced by authority, and Dick pro- ceeded — " For though her person was of that kind to which men attribute the name of angel, yet in her mind she was perfectly woman. Of which a great degree of obstinacy gave the most remarkable and perhaps most pernicious instance. " A day or two passed after Paul's arrival before JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 85 any instances of this appeared ; but it was impossible to conceal it long. Both she and her husband soon lost all apprehension from their friend's presence, and fell to their disputes with as much vigour as ever. These were still pursued with the utmost ardour and eager- ness, however trifling the causes were whence they first arose. Nay, however incredible it may seem, the little consequence of the matter in debate was frequently given as a reason for the fierceness of the contention, as thus : ' If you loved me, sure you would never dispute with me such a trifle as this.' The answer to which is very obvious ; for the argument would hold equally on both sides, and was constantly retorted with some addition, as — * I am sure I have much more reason to say so, who am in the right.' During all these dis- putes, Paul always kept strict silence, and preserved an even countenance, without showing the least visible in- clination to either party. One day, however, when madam had left the room in a violent fury, Lennard could not refrain from referring his cause to his friend. Was ever anything so unreasonable, says he, as this woman ? What shall I do with her ? I doat on her to distraction ; nor have I any cause to complain of, more than this obstinacy in her temper ; whatever she asserts, she will maintain against all the reason and conviction in the world. Pray give me your advice. — First, says Paul, I will give my opinion, which is, flatly, that you are in the wrong ; for, supposing she is in the wrong, was the subject of your contention any ways material ? What signified it whether you was married in a red or a yellow waistcoat ? for that was your dispute. Now, suppose she was mistaken ; as you love her you say so tenderly, and I believe she deserves it, would it not have been wiser to have yielded, though you certainly knew yourself in the right, than to give either her or yourself any uneasiness. lS6 THE ADVENTURES OF For my own part, if ever I marry, I am resolved to enter into an agreement with my wife, that in all disputes (especially about trifles) that party who is most con- vinced they are right shall always surrender the victory; by which means we shall both be forward to give up the cause. I own, said Lennard, my dear friend, shaking him by the hand, there is great truth and reason in what you say ; and I will for the future en- deavour to follow your advice. They soon after broke up the conversation, and Lennard, going to his wife, asked her pardon, and told her his friend had convinced him he had been in the wrong. She immediately began a vast encomium on Paul, in which he seconded her, and both agreed he was the worthiest and wisest man upon earth. When next they met, which was at supper, though she had promised not to mention what her husband told her, she could not forbear casting the kindest and most affectionate looks on Paul, and asked him, with the sweetest voice, whether she should help him to some potted woodcock ? Potted partridge, my dear, you mean, says the husband. My dear, says she, I ask your friend if he will eat any potted woodcock ; and I am sure I must know, who potted it. I think I should know too, who shot them, replied the hus- band, and I am convinced that I have not seen a woodcock this year ; however, though I know I am in the right, I submit, and the potted partridge is potted woodcock if you desire to have it so. It is equal to me, says she, whether it is one or the other ; but you would persuade one out of one's senses ; to be sure, you are always in the right in your own opinion ; but your friend, I believe, knows which he is eating. Paul answered nothing, and the dispute continued, as usual, the greatest part of the evening. The next morning the lady, accidentally meeting Paul, and being con- vinced he was her friend, and of her side, accosted him JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 87 thus : — I am certain, sir, you have long since wondered at the unreasonableness of my husband. He is indeed, in other respects, a good sort of man, but so positive, that no woman but one of my complying temper could possibly live with him. Why, last night, now, was ever any creature so unreasonable ? I am certain you must condemn him. Pray, answer me, was he not in the wrong? Paul, after a short silence, spoke as follows : I am sorry, madam, that, as good manners obliges me to answer against my will, so an adherence to truth forces me to declare myself of a different opinion. To be plain and honest, you was entirely in the wrong ; the cause I own not worth disputing, but the bird was undoubtedly a partridge. O sir ! replyed the lady, I cannot possibly help your taste. Madam, returned Paul, that is very little material ; for, had it been otherwise, a husband might have expected sub- mission. — Indeed ! sir, says she, I assure you ! — Yes, madam, cryed he, he might, from a person of your ex- cellent understanding ; and pardon me for saying, such a condescension would have shown a superiority of sense even to your husband himself. — But, dear sir, said she, why should I submit when I am in the right? — For that very reason, answered he ; it would be the greatest instance of affection imaginable ; for can any- thing be a greater object of our compassion than a person we love in the wrong ? Ay, but I should en- deavour, said she, to set him right. Pardon me, madam, answered Paul : I will apply to your own experience if you ever found your arguments had that effect. The more our judgments err, the less we are willing to own it: for my own part, I have always observed the persons who maintain the worst side in any contest are the warmest. Why, says she, I must confess there is truth in what you say, and I will en- deavour to practise it. The husband then coming in, I 88 THE ADVENTURES OF Paul departed. And Lennard, approaching hi3 wife with an air of good humour, told her he was sorry for their foolish dispute the last night ; but he was now convinced of his error. She answered, smiling, she believed she owed his condescension to his compla- cence ; that she was ashamed to think a word had passed on so silly an occasion, especially as she was satisfyed she had been mistaken. A little contention followed, but with the utmost good-will to each other, and was concluded by her asserting that Paul had thoroughly convinced her she had been in the wrong. Upon which they both united in the praises of their common friend. " Paul now passed his time with great satisfaction, these disputes being much less frequent, as well as shorter than usual ; but the devil, or some unlucky accident in which perhaps the devil had no hand, shortly put an end to his happiness. He was now eternally the private referee of every difference ; in which, after having perfectly, as he thought, established the doctrine of submission, he never scrupled to assure both privately that they were in the right in every argument, as before he had followed the contrary method. One day a violent litigation happened in his absence, and both parties agreed to refer it to his decision. The husband professing himself sure the decision would be in his favour ; the wife answered, he might be mistaken ; for she believed his friend was convinced how seldom she was to blame ; and that if he knew all — The husband replied, My dear, I have no desire of any retrospect ; but I believe, if you knew all too, you would not imagine my friend so entirely on your side. Nay, says she, since you provoke me, I will mention one instance. You may remember our dispute about sending Jackey to school in cold weather, which point I gave up to you from mere compassion, JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 89 knowing myself to be in the right ; and Paul himself told me afterwards he thought me so. My dear, re- plied the husband, I will not scruple your veracity ; but I assure you solemnly, on my applying to him, he gave it absolutely on my side, and said he would have acted in the same manner. They then proceeded to produce numberless other instances, in all which Paul had, on vows of secresy, given his opinion on both sides. In the conclusion, both believing each other, they fell severely on the treachery of Paul, and agreed that he had been the occasion of almost every dispute which had fallen out between them. They then became extremely loving, and so full of condescension on both sides, that they vyed with each other in censuring their own conduct, and jointly vented their indignation on Paul, whom the wife, fearing a bloody consequence, earnestly entreated her husband to suffer quietly to depart the next day, which was the time fixed for his return to quarters, and then drop his acquaintance. " However ungenerous this behaviour in Lennard may be esteemed, his wife obtained a promise from him (though with difficulty) to follow her advice ; but they both expressed such unusual coldness that day to Paul, that he, who was quick of apprehension, taking Lennard aside, pressed him so home, that he at last discovered the secret. Paul acknowledged the truth, but told him the design with which he had done it. — To which the other answered, he would have acted more friendly to have let him into the whole design ; for that he might have assured himself of his secresy. Paul replyed, with some indignation, he had given him a sufficient proof how capable he was of concealing a secret from his wife. Lennard returned with some warmth — he had more reason to upbraid him, for that he had caused most of the quarrels between them by his strange conduct, and might (if they had not dis- 190 THE ADVENTURES OF covered the affair to each other) have been the occasion of their separation. Paul then said " — But something now happened which put a stop to Dick's reading, and of which we shall treat in the next chapter. Chapter j:f. In ivh'tch the history is continued. I OSEPH Andrews had borne with great uneasiness the impertinence of beau Didapper to Fanny, who J had been talking pretty freely to her, and offering her settlements ; but the respect to the company had restrained him from interfering whilst the beau confined himself to the use of his tongue only ; but the said beau, watching an opportunity whilst the ladies' eyes were disposed another way, offered a rudeness to her with his hands ; which Joseph no sooner perceived than he presented him with so sound a box on the ear, that it conveyed him several paces from where he stood. The ladies immediately screamed out, rose from their chairs ; and the beau, as soon as he recovered himself, drew his hanger : which Adams observing, snatched up the lid of a pot in his left hand, and, covering himself with it as with a shield, without any weapon of offence in his other hand, stept in before Joseph, and exposed himself to the enraged beau, who threatened such perdition and destruction, that it frighted the women, who were all got in a huddle together, out of their wits, even to hear his denunciations of vengeance. Joseph was of a different complexion, and begged Adams to let his rival come on ; for he had a good cudgel in his hand, and did not fear him. Fanny now fainted into Mrs Adams's arms, and the whole room was in confusion, when Mr Booby, passing by Adams, who lay snug under the pot-lid, JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 9 I came up to Didapper, and insisted on his sheathing the hanger, promising he should have satisfaction ; which Joseph declared he would give him, and fight him at any weapon whatever. The beau now sheathed his hanger, and taking out a pocket-glass, and vowing vengeance all the time, re-adjusted his hair ; the parson deposited his shield ; and Joseph, running to Fanny, soon brought her back to life. Lady Booby chid Joseph for his insult on Didapper ; but he answered, he would have attacked an army in the same cause. "What cause?" said the lady. "Madam," answered Joseph, " he was rude to that young woman." — "What," says the lady, " I suppose he would have kissed the wench ; and is a gentleman to be struck for such an offer ? I must tell you, Joseph, these air." do not become you." — " Madam," said Mr Booby, " I saw the whole affair, and I do not commend my brother ; for I cannot perceive why he should take upon him to be this girl's champion." — " I can commend him," says Adams : " he is a brave lad ; and it becomes any man to be the champion of the innocent ; and he must be the basest coward who would not vindicate a woman with whom he is on the brink of marriage." — " Sir," says Mr Booby, " my brother is not a proper match for such a young woman as this." — " No," says Lady Booby ; " nor do you, Mr Adams, act in your proper character by encouraging any such doings ; and I am very much surprized you should concern yourself in it. I think your wife and family your properer care." — " Indeed, madam, your ladyship says very true," answered Mrs Adams : " he talks a pack of nonsense, that the whole parish are his children. I am sure I don't understand what he means by it ; it would make some women suspect he had gone astray, but I acquit him of that ; I can read Scripture as well as he, and I never found that the parson was obliged to provide for other folks' 192 THE ADVENTURES OF children ; and besides, he is but a poor curate, and hath little enough, as your ladyship knows, for me and mine." — " You say very well, Mrs Adams," quoth the Lady Booby, who had not spoke a word to her before ; " you seem to be a very sensible woman ; and I assure you, your husband is acting a very foolish part, and opposing his own interest, seeing my nephew is violently set against this match : and indeed I can't blame him ; it is by no means one suitable to our family." In this manner the lady proceeded with Mrs Adams, whilst the beau hopped about the room, shaking his head, partly from pain and partly from anger ; and Pamela was chiding Fanny for her assurance in aiming at such a match as her brother. Poor Fanny answered only with her tears, which had long since begun to wet her handkerchief; which Joseph perceiving, took her by the arm, and wrapping it in his carried her off, swearing he v/ould own no relation to any one who was an enemy to her he loved more than all the world. He went out with Fanny under his left arm, brandishing a cudgel in his right, and neither Mr Booby nor the beau thought proper to oppose him. Lady Booby and her company made a very short st3y behind him ; for the lady's bell now summoned them to dress ; for which they had just time before dinner. Adams seemed now very much dejected, v/hich his wife perceiving, began to apply some matrimonial balsam. She told him he had reason to be concerned, for that he had probably mined his family with his tricks almost ; but perhaps he was grieved for the loss of his two chil- dren, Joseph and Fanny. His eldest daughter went on : " Indeed, father, it is very hard to bring strangers here to eat your children's bread out of their mouths. You have kept them ever since they came home ; and, for anything I see to the contrary, may keep them a month longer ; are you obliged to give her meat, tho'f she JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 93 was never so handsome ? But I don't see she is so much handsomer than other people. If people were to be kept for their beauty, she would scarce fare better than her neighbours, I believe. As for Mr Joseph, I have nothing to say ; he is a young man of honest principles, and will pay some time or other for what he hath ; but for the girl — why doth she not return to her place she ran away from ? I would not give such a vagabond slut a halfpenny though I had a million of money ; no, though she was starving." " Indeed but I would," cries little Dick ; " and, father, rather than poor Fanny shall be starved, I will give her all this bread and cheese" — (oifering what he held in his hand). Adams smiled on the boy, and told him he rejoiced to see he was a Christian ; and that if he had a halfpenny in his pocket, he would have given it him ; telling him it was his duty to look upon all his neigh- bours as his brothers and sisters, and love them accord- ingly. "Yes, papa," says he, " I love her better than my sisters, for she is handsomer than any of them." " Is she so, saucebox ? " says the sister, giving him a box on the ear ; which the father would probably have resented, had not Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar at that instant returned together. Adams bid his wife prepare some food for their dinner ; she said, " Truly she could not, she had something else to do." Adams rebuked her for disputing his commands, and quoted many texts of Scripture to prove " That the husband is the head of the wife, and she is to submit and obey." The wife answered, " It was blasphemy to talk Scripture out of church ; that such things were very proper to be said in the pulpit, but that it was profane to talk them in com- mon discourse." Joseph told Mr Adams " He was not come with any design to give him or Mrs Adams any trouble ; but to desire the favour of all their com- pany to the George (an ale-house in the parish), where II. N 194 THE ADVENTURES OF he had bespoke a piece of bacon and greens for their dinner." Mrs Adams, who was a very good sort of woman, only rather too strict in ceconomies, readily accepted this invitation, as did the parson himself by her example ; and away they all walked together, not omitting little Dick, to whom Joseph gave a shilling when he heard of his intended liberality to Fanny. Where the good-natured reader will see something ivh'ich ivill give him no great pleasure. THE pedlar had been very inquisitive from the time he had first heard that the great house in this parish belonged to the Lady Booby, and had learnt that she was the widow of Sir Thomas, and that Sir Thomas had bought Fanny, at about the age of three or four years, of a travelling woman ; and, now their homely but hearty meal was ended, he told Fanny he believed he could acquaint her with her parents. The v/hole company, especially she herself, started at this offer of the pedlar's. He then proceeded thus, while they all lent their strictest attention : — " Though I am now contented with this humble way of getting my livelihood, I was formerly a gentleman ; for so all those of my profession are called. In a word, I was a drummer in an Irish regiment of foot. Whilst I was in this honourable station I attended an officer of our regiment into England a-recruiting. In our march from Bristol to Froome (for since the decay of the woollen trade the clothing towns have furnished the army with a great number of recruits) we overtook on the road a woman, who seemed to be about thirty years old or thereabouts, not very handsome, but well enough for a JOSEPH ANDREWS. I 95 soldier. As we came up to her, she mended her pace, and falling into discourse with our ladies (for every man of the party, namely, a serjeant, two private men, and a drum, were provided with their woman except myself), she continued to travel on with us. I, perceiving she must fall to my lot, advanced presently to her, made love to her in our military way, and quickly succeeded to my wishes. We struck a bargain within a mile, and lived together as man and wife to her dying day." " I suppose," says Adams, interrupting him, " you were married with a licence ; for I don't see how you could contrive to have the banns published while you were marching from place to place." " No, sir," said the pedlar, " we took a licence to go to bed together with- out any banns." " Ay ! ay ! " said the parson ; "ex necessitate, a licence may be allowable enough ; but surely, surely, the other is the more regular and eligible way." The pedlar proceeded thus : " She returned with me to our regiment, and removed with us from quarters to quarters, till at last, whilst we lay at Galloway, she fell ill of a fever and died. When she was on her death-bed she called me to her, and, crying bitterly, declared she could not depart this world without dis- covering a secret to me, which, she said, was the only sin which sat heavy on her heart. She said she had formerly travelled in a company of gypsies, who had made a practice of stealing away children ; that for her own part, she had been only once guilty of the crime ; which, she said, she lamented more than all the rest of her sins, since probably it might have occasioned the death of the parents ; for, ad'ded she, it is almost im- possible to describe the beauty of the young creature, which was about a year and a half old when I kid- napped it. We kept her (for she was a girl) above two years in our company, when I sold her myself, for three guineas, to Sir Thomas Booby, in Somersetshire. Now, 196 THE ADVENTURES OF you know whether there are any more of that name in this county." " Yes," says Adams, " there are several Boobys who are squires, but I believe no baronet now alive ; besides, it answers so exactly in every point, there is no room for doubt ; but you have forgot to tell us the parents from whom the child was stolen." " Their name," answered the pedlar, " was Andrews. They lived about thirty miles from the squire ; and she told me that I might be sure to find them out by one circumstance ; for that they had a daughter of a very strange name, Pamela, or Pamela ; some pronounced it one way, and some the other." Fanny, who had changed colour at the first mention of the name, now fainted away ; Joseph turned pale, and poor Dicky began to roar ; the parson fell on his knees, and ejacu- lated many thanksgivings that this discovery had been made before the dreadful sin of incest was committed ; and the pedlar was struck with amazement, not being able to account for all this confusion ; the cause of which was presently opened by the parson's daughter, who was the only unconcerned person (for the mother was chafing Fanny's temples, and taking the utmost care of her) : and, indeed, Fanny was the only creature whom the daughter would not have pitied in her situa- tion ; wherein, though we compassionate her ourselves, we shall leave her for a little while, and pay a short visit to Lady Booby. JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 97 The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride ; with what happened on the present discovery. THE lady sat down with her company to dinner, but eat nothing. As soon as her cloth was removed she whispered Pamela that she was taken a little ill, and desired her to entertain her husband and beau Didapper. She then went up into her chamber, sent for Slipslop, threw herself on the bed in the agonies of love, rage, and despair ; nor could she conceal these boiling passions longer without bursting. Slipslop now approached her bed, and asked how her ladyship did ; but, instead of revealing her disorder, as she intended, she entered into a long en- comium on the beauty and virtues of Joseph Andrews ; ending, at last, with expressing her concern that so much tenderness should be thrown away on so despic- able an object as Fanny. Slipslop, well knowing how to humour her mistress's frenzy, proceeded to repeat, with exaggeration, if possible, all her mistress had said, and concluded with a wish that Joseph had been a gentleman, and that she could see her lady in the arms of such a husband. The lady then started from the bed, and, taking a turn or two across the room, cryed out, with a deep sigh, " Sure he would make any woman happy! " — "Your ladyship," says she, "would be the happiest woman in the world with him. A fig for custom and nonsense ! What 'vails what people say ? Shall I be afraid of eating sweetmeats because people may say I have a sweet tooth ? If I had a mind to marry a man, all the world should not hinder me. Your ladyship hath no parents to tutelar your inS THE ADVENTURES OF infections ; besides, he is of your ladyship's family now, and as good a gentleman as any in the country ; and why should not a woman follow her mind as well as man ? Why should not your ladyship marry the brother as well as your nephew the sister. I am sure, if it was a fragrant crime, I would not persuade your ladyship to it." — " But, dear Slipslop," answered the lady, " if I could prevail on myself to commit such a weakness, there is that cursed Fanny in the way, whom the idiot — O how I hate and despise him ! " — " She ! a little ugly mynx," cries Slipslop ; "leave her to me. I suppose your ladyship hath heard of Joseph's fitting with one of Mr Didapper's servants about her ; and his master hath ordered them to carry her away by force this evening. I'll take care they shall not want assistance. I was talking with this gentleman, who was below, just when your ladyship sent for me." — " Go back," says the Lady Booby, " this instant, for I expect Mr Didapper will soon be going. Do all vou can ; for I am resolved this wench shall not be in our family : I will endeavour to return to the company ; but let me know as soon as she is carried off." Slip- slop went away ; and her mistress began to arraign her own conduct in the following manner : — " What am I doing ? How do I suffer this passion to creep imperceptibly upon me ? How many days are past since I could have submitted to ask myself the question ? — Marry a footman ! Distraction ! Can I afterwards bear the eyes of my acquaintance ? But I can retire from them ; retire with one in whom I pro- pose more happiness than the world without him can give me ! Retire — to feed continually on beauties which my inflamed imagination sickens with eagerly gazing on ; to satisfy every appetite, every desire, with their utmost wish. Ha ! and do I doat thus on a foot- man ? I despise, I detest my passion. — Yet why ? Is JOSEPH ANDREWS. 1 99 he not generous, gentle, kind ? — Kind ! to whom ? to the meanest wretch, a creature below my consideration. Doth he not — yes, he doth prefer her. Curse his beauties, and the little low heart that possesses them ; which can basely descend to this despicable wench, and be ungratefully deaf to all the honours I do him. And can I then love this monster ? No, I will tear his image from my bosom, tread on him, spurn him. I will have those pitiful charms, which now I despise, mangled in my sight ; for I will not suffer the little jade I hate to riot in the beauties I contemn. No ; though I despise him myself, though I would spurn him from my feet, was he to languish at them, no other should taste the happiness I scorn. Why do I say happiness ? To me it would be misery. To sacrifice my reputation, my character, my rank in life, to the indulgence of a mean and a vile appetite ! How I detest the thought ! How much more exquisite is the pleasure resulting from the reflection of virtue and prudence than the faint relish of what flows from vice and folly ! Whither did I suffer this improper, this mad passion to hurry me, only by neglecting to summon the aids of reason to my assist- ance ? Reason, which hath now set before me my desires in their proper colours, and immediately helped me to expel them. Yes, I thank Heaven and my pride, I have now perfectly conquered this unworthy passion ; and if there was no obstacle in its way, my pride would disdain any pleasures which could be the consequence of so base, so mean, so vulgar — " Slipslop returned at this instant in a violent hurry, and with the utmost eagerness cryed out, " O madam ! I have strange news. Tom the footman is just come from the George ; where, it seems, Joseph and the rest of them are a jinketting ; and he says there is a strange man who hath discovered that Fanny and Joseph are brother and sister." — " How, Slipslop ? " cries the lady, in a surprize. — " I had not 200 THE ADVENTURES OF time, madam," cries Slipslop, " to enquire about particles, but Tom says it is most certainly true." This unexpected account entirely obliterated all those admirable reflections which the supreme power of reason had so wisely made just before. In short, when despair, which had more share in producing the resolutions of hatred we have seen taken, began to retreat, the lady hesitated a moment, and then, forgetting all the purport of her soliloquy, dismissed her woman again, with orders to bid Tom attend her in the parlour, whither she now hastened to acquaint Pamela with the news. Pamela said she could not believe it ; for she had never heard that her mother had lost any child, or that she had ever had any more than Joseph and herself. The lady flew into a violent rage with her, and talked of upstarts and disowning relations who had so lately been on a level with her. Pamela made no answer ; but her husband, taking up her cause, severely reprimanded his aunt for her behaviour to his wife : he told her, if it had been earlier in the evening she should not have staid a moment longer in her house ; that he was convinced, if this young woman could be proved her sister, she would readily embrace her as such, and he himself would do the same. He then desired the fellow might be sent for, and the young woman with him, which Lady Booby immediately ordered ; and, thinking proper to make some apology to Pamela for what she had said, it was readily accepted, and all things reconciled. The pedlar now attended, as did Fanny and Joseph, who would not quit her ; the parson likewise was in- duced, not only by curiosity, of which he had no small portion, but his duty, as he apprehended it, to follow them ; for he continued all the way to exhort them, who were now breaking their hearts, to offer up thanksgivings, and be joyful for so miraculous an escape. JOSEPH ANDREWS. 201 When they arrived at Booby- Hall they were pre- sently called into the parlour, where the pedlar repeated the same story he had told before, and insisted on the truth of every circumstance ; so that all who heard him were extremely well satisfied of the truth, except Pamela, who imagined, as she had never heard either of her parents mention such an accident, that it must be certainly false ; and except the Lady Booby, who suspected the falsehood of the story from her ardent desire that it should be true ; and Joseph, who feared its truth, from his earnest wishes that it might prove false. Mr Booby now desired them all to suspend their curiosity and absolute belief or disbelief till the next morning, when he expected old Mr Andrews and his wife to fetch himself and Pamela home in his coach, and then they might be certain of certainly knowing the truth or falsehood of this relation ; in which, he said, as there were many strong circumstances to induce their credit, so he could not perceive any interest the pedlar could have in inventing it, or in endeavouring to impose such a falsehood on them. The Lady Booby, who was very little used to such company, entertained them all — viz. her nephew, his wife, her brother and sister, the beau, and the parson, with great good humour at her own table. As to the pedlar, she ordered him to be made as welcome as possible by her servants. All the company in the parlour, except the disappointed lovers, who sat sullen and silent, were full of mirth ; for Mr Booby had prevailed on Joseph to ask Mr Didapper's pardon, with which he was perfectly satisfied. Many jokes passed between the beau and the parson, chiefly on each other's dress ; these afforded much diversion to the company. Pamela chid her brother Joseph for the concern which he exprest at discovering a new 202 THE ADVENTURES OF sister. She said, if he loved Fanny as he ought, with a pure affection, he had no reason to lament being related to her. — Upon which Adams began to dis- course on Platonic love ; whence he made a quick transition to the joys in the next world, and concluded with strongly asserting that there was no such thing as pleasure in this. At which Pamela and her husband smiled on one another. This happy pair proposing to retire (for no other person gave the least symptom of desiring rest), they all repaired to several beds provided for them in the same house ; nor was Adams himself suffered to go home, it being a stormy night. Fanny indeed often begged she might go home with the parson ; but her stay was so strongly insisted on, that she at last, by Joseph's advice, consented. Chapter jcib. Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell into many hair-lreadlh 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly to his inadvertency. ABOUT an hour after they had all separated (it J~\ being now past three in the morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not to close his eyes, but had employed his imagi- nation in contrivances how to satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped to effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay, and had received his information ; he therefore arose, put on his breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to her apartment ; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he JOSEPH ANDREWS. 20 o opened it with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now invaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet a young creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on a cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for there was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered in Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), " Fanny, my angel ! I am come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we last night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover ; nor will I be delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient assurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would be want of love to deny me the possession of thy charms." — So saying, he disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leaping into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture. If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to find his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this sweet confusion ; for both he and his para- mour presently discovered their error. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he had engaged ; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she had mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative of Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, that light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture. Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to escape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it ; but the watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, being disappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promised her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue. Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late 204 THE ADVENTURES OF conduct had, she feared, gjven her reputation ; and, aa she had a wonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunate beau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion of her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered to leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same time roaring out, " O thou villain ! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I believe, ruined me in my sleep ; I will swear a rape against thee, I will prosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get loose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out " Murder ! murder ! rape ! robbery ! ruin ! " At which words, parson Adams, who lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar's discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of clothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He made directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's skin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and rinding his skin extremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to let him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger of ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed ; he there- fore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then, turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, his wrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly, that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed by her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed and scratched as well as she could ; nor was he behindhand with her in his endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her. She then cried she was a woman ; but JOSEPH ANDREWS. 205 Adams answered, she was rather the devil, and if she was he would grapple with him ; and, being again irri- tated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the house. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had fallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, and then both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakeful as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning ; and, being a woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, and slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her hand, she walked undauntedly to Slip- slop's room ; where she entered just at the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which Slipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. He then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gave suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room, cried help ! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice : and Adams, perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him) just as she came to the feet of the bed ; nor did her modesty, when she found the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. She then began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, and particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the scene of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality. Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and, now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady Booby herself, and immediately whipt under the bed- clothes, whence the chaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forth his head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel night- cap, he protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand 206 THE ADVENTURES OF pardons of Mrs Slipslop for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch. Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something sparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to be a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther she saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday! " says she, "what is the meaning of this?" " O, madam," says Slipslop, " I don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may have been a dozen men in the room." " To whom belongs this laced shirt and jewels ? " says the lady. " Un- doubtedly," cries the parson, " to the young gentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence proceeded all the subsequent mistakes ; for if I had suspected him for a man, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though, indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account of the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into the room ; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose heads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could not refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the parson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him to return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then ordering Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to Mrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but began to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint to begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his way towards his own ; but un- luckily, instead of turning to the right, he turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (as the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the JOSEPH ANDREWS. 207 preceding night, and who was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that, notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so pro- found a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not been able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothes down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in, and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman had always assigned him. As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand lovers languish, lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorant of the scene of delight on which they repose, meditates the future capture of a mouse, or surprisal of a plate of bread and butter : so Adams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the paradise to which he was so near ; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from her breath overpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils. And now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who had secretly ap- pointed Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rapped softly at the chamber-door, which when he had repeated twice, Adams cryed, " Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought he had mistaken the door, though she had given him the most exact directions ; however, knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestments lying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching out her hand on Adams's beard, she cried out, — " O heavens ! where am I ? " " Bless me ! where am I ? " said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adams leapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as the tragedians call it, like the statue of Surprize. " Flow came she into my room ? " cryed Adams. " How came you into hers ? " cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. " I know nothing of the matter," answered Adams, " but that she is a vestal 208 THE ADVENTURES OF for me. As I am a Christian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidel who doth not believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in the days of Saul. My clothes are bewitched away too, and Fanny's brought into their place." For he still insisted he was in his own apartment ; but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting to persuade Joseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. " How ! " said Joseph in a rage, " hath he offered any rudeness to you ? " She an- swered — She could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealing to bed to her, which she thought rudeness sufficient, and what no man would do without a wicked intention. Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and when he heard from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler ; yet still he was confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that the women's apartments were on this side Mrs Slip- slop's room, and the men's on the other, he was con- vinced that he was in Fanny's chamber. Assuring Adams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some account how he came there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offend Fanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that had happened ; and when he had ended Joseph told him, — It was plain he had mistaken by turning to the right instead of the left. " Odso ! " cries Adams, " that's true : as sure as sixpence, you have hit on the very thing." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and begged Fanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man or woman. That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him she was no longer angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his own apartment, where he should stay him- self till she had put her clothes on. Joseph and Adams JOSEPH ANDREWS. 209 accordingly departed, and the latter soon was convinced of the mistake he had committed ; however, whilst he was dressing himself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraft notwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it. Chapter jcto. The arrival of Gaffar and Gammar Andrews, with another person not much expected ; and a perfect solu- tion of the difficulties raised by the pedlar. AS soon as Fanny was drest Joseph returned to her, and they had a long conversation together, the conclusion of which was, that, if they found themselves to be really brother and sister, they vowed a perpetual celibacy, and to live together all their days, and indulge a Platonic friendship for each other. The company were all very merry at breakfast, and Joseph and Fanny rather more chearful than the preced- ing night. The Lady Booby produced the diamond button, which the beau most readily owned, and alledged that he was very subject to walk in his sleep. Indeed, he was far from being ashamed of his amour, and rather endeavoured to insinuate that more than was really true had passed between him and the fair Slipslop. Their tea was scarce over when news came of the arrival of old Mr Andrews and his wife. They were immediately introduced, and kindly received by the Lady Booby, whose heart went now pit-a-pat, as did those of Joseph and Fanny. They felt, perhaps, little less anxiety in this interval than CEdipus himself, whilst his fate was revealing. Mr Booby first opened the cause by informing the old gentleman that he had a child in the company more 11. o 2IO THE ADVENTURES OF than he knew of, and, taking Fanny by the hand, told him, this was that daughter of his who had been stolen away by gypsies in her infancy. Mr Andrews, after expressing some astonishment, assured his honour that he had never lost a daughter by gypsies, nor ever had any other children than Joseph and Pamela. These words were a cordial to the two lovers ; but had a different effect on Lady Booby. She ordered the pedlar to be called, who recounted his story as he had done before. — At the end of which, old Mrs Andrews, running to Fanny, embraced her, crying out, " She is, she is my child ! " The company were all amazed at this disagreement between the man and his wife ; and the blood had now forsaken the cheeks of the lovers, when the old woman, turning to her husband, who was more surprized than all the rest, and having a little recovered her own spirits, delivered herself as follows : " You may remember, my dear, when you went a serjeant to Gibraltar, you left me big with child; you stayed abroad, you know, upwards of three years. In your absence I was brought to bed, I verily believe, of this daughter, whom I am sure I have reason to remember, for I suckled her at this very breast till the day she was stolen from me. One afternoon, when the child was about a year, or a year and a half old, or thereabouts, two gypsy-women came to the door and offered to tell my fortune. One of them had a child in her lap. I showed them my hand, and desired to know if you was ever to come home again, which I remember as well as if it was but yesterday : they faithfully promised me you should. — I left the girl in the cradle and went to draw them a cup of liquor, the best I had : when I returned with the pot (I am sure I was not absent longer than whilst I am telling it to you) the women were gone. I was afraid they had stolen some- thing, and looked and looked, but to no purpose, and, JOSEPH ANDREWS. 211 Heaven knows, I had very little for them to steal. At last, hearing the child cry in the cradle, I went to take it up — but, O the living ! how was I surprized to find, instead of my own girl that I had put into the cradle, who was as fine a fat thriving child as you shall see in a summer's day, a poor sickly boy, that did not seem to have an hour to live. I ran out, pulling my hair off and crying like any mad after the women, but never could hear a word of them from that day to this. When I came back the poor infant (which is our Joseph there, as stout as he now stands) lifted up its eyes upon me so piteously, that, to be sure, notwithstand- ing my passion, I could not find in my heart to do it any mischief. A neighbour of mine, happening to come in at the same time, and hearing the case, advised me to take care of this poor child, and God would perhaps one day restore me my own. Upon which I took the child up, and suckled it to be sure, all the world as if it had been born of my own natural body ; and as true as I am alive, in a little time I loved the boy all to nothing as if it had been my own girl. — Well, as I was saying, times growing very hard, I having two children and nothing but my own work, which was little enough, God knows, to maintain them, was obliged to ask relief of the parish ; but, instead of giving it me, they removed me, by justices' warrants, fifteen miles, to the place where I now live, where I had not been long settled before you came home. Joseph (for that was the name I gave him myself — the Lord knows whether he was baptized or no, or by what name), Joseph, I say, seemed to me about five years old when you re- turned ; for I believe he is two or three years older than our daughter here (for I am thoroughly convinced she is the same) ; and when you saw him you said he was a chopping boy, without ever minding his age ; and so I, seeing you did not suspect anything of the 212 THE ADVENTURES OF matter, thought I might e'en as well keep it to myself, for fear you should not love him as well as I did. And all this is veritably true, and I will take my oath of it before any justice in the kingdom." The pedlar, who had been summoned by the order of Lady Booby, listened with the utmost attention to Gammar Andrews's story ; and, when she had finished, asked her if the supposititious child had no mark on its breast ? To which she answered, " Yes, he had as fine a strawberry as ever grew in a garden." This Joseph acknowledged, and, unbuttoning his coat, at the intercession of the company, showed to them. "Well," says GafFar Andrews, who was a comical sly old fellow, and very likely desired to have no more children than he could keep, " you have proved, I think, very plainly, that this boy doth not belong to us ; but how are you certain that the girl is ours ? " The parson then brought the pedlar forward, and desired him to repeat the story which he had communicated to him the preceding day at the ale-house ; which he complied with, and related what the reader, as well as Mr Adams, hath seen before. He then confirmed, from his wife's report, all the circumstances of the exchange, and of the strawberry on Joseph's breast. At the repetition of the word strawberry, Adams, who had seen it without any emo- tion, started and cried, " Bless me ! something comes into my head." But before he had time to bring any- thing out a servant called him forth. When he was gone the pedlar assured Joseph that his parents were persons of much greater circumstances than those he had hitherto mistaken for such ; for that he had been stolen from a gentleman's house by those whom they call gypsies, and had been kept by them during a whole year, when, looking on him as in a dying condition, they had exchanged him for the other healthier child, in the manner before related. He said, As to the name JOSEPH ANDREWS. 213 of his father, his wife had either never known or forgot it ; but that she had acquainted him he lived about forty miles from the place where the exchange had been made, and which way, promising to spare no pains in endeavouring with him to discover the place. But Fortune, which seldom doth good or ill, or makes men happy or miserable, by halves, resolved to spare him this labour. The reader may please to re- collect that Mr Wilson had intended a journey to the west, in which he was to pass through Mr Adams's parish, and had promised to call on him. He was now arrived at the Lady Booby's gates for that purpose, being directed thither from the parson's house, and had sent in the servant whom we have above seen call Mr Adams forth. This had no sooner mentioned the dis- covery of a stolen child, and had uttered the word strawberry, than Mr Wilson, with wildness in his looks, and the utmost eagerness in his words, begged to be shewed into the room, where he entered without the least regard to any of the company but Joseph, and, embracing him with a complexion all pale and trembling, desired to see the mark on his breast ; the parson followed him capering, rubbing his hands, and crying out, Hie est quern quarts ; inventus est, &c. Joseph complied with the request of Mr Wilson, who no sooner saw the mark than, abandoning himself to the most extravagant rapture of passion, he embraced Joseph with inexpressible ecstasy, and cried out in tears of joy, " I have discovered my son, I have him again in my arms ! " Joseph was not sufficiently apprized yet to taste the same delight with his father (for so in reality he was) ; however, he returned some warmth to his embraces : but he no sooner perceived, from his father's account, the agreement of every circumstance, of person, time, and place, than he threw himself at his feet, and, embracing his knees, with tears begged his blessing, 2 14 THE ADVENTURES OF which was given with much affection, and received with such respect, mixed with such tenderness on both sides, that it affected all present ; but none so much as Lady Booby, who left the room in an agony, which was but too much perceived, and not very charitably accounted for by some of the company. Chapter jctoi. Being the last, in which this true history is brought to a happy conclusion. FANNY was very little behind her Joseph in the duty she exprest towards her parents, and the joy she evidenced in discovering them. Gammar Andrews kissed her, and said, She was heartily glad to see her ; but for her part, she could never love any one better than Joseph. Gaffar Andrews testified no remarkable emotion : he blessed and kissed her, but complained bitterly that he wanted his pipe, not having had a whiff that morning. Mr Booby, who knew nothing of his aunt's fondness, imputed her abrupt departure to her pride, and disdain of the family into which he was married ; he was therefore desirous to be gone with the utmost celerity ; and now, having congratulated Mr Wilson and Joseph on the discovery, he saluted Fanny, called her sister, and introduced her as such to Pamela, who behaved with great decency on the occasion. He now sent a message to his aunt, who returned that she wished him a good journey, but was too disordered to see any company : he therefore prepared to set out, having invited Mr Wilson to his house ; and Pamela and Joseph both so insisted on his comply- ing, that he at last consented, having first obtained a JOSEPH ANDREWS. 215 messenger from Mr Booby to acquaint his wife with the news ; which, as he knew it would render her completely happy, he could not prevail on himself to delay a moment in acquainting her with. The company were ranged in this manner : the two old people, with their two daughters, rode in the coach ; the squire, Mr Wilson, Joseph, parson Adams, and the pedlar, proceeded on horseback. In their way, Joseph informed his father of his intended match with Fanny ; to which, though he expressed some reluctance at first, on the eagerness of his son's instances he consented ; saying, if she was so good a creature as she appeared, and he described her, he thought the disadvantages of birth and fortune might be compensated. He however insisted on the match being deferred till he had seen his mother ; in which, Joseph perceiving him positive, with great duty obeyed him, to the great delight of parson Adams, who by these means saw an opportunity of fulfilling the Church forms, and marrying his parishioners without a licence. Mr Adams, greatly exulting on this occasion (for such ceremonies were matters of no small moment with him), accidentally gave spurs to his horse, which the generous beast disdaining — for he was of high mettle, and had been used to more expert riders than the gentleman who at present bestrode him, for whose horsemanship he had perhaps some contempt — im- mediately ran away full speed, and played so many antic tricks that he tumbled the parson from his back ; which Joseph perceiving, came to his relief. This accident afforded infinite merriment to the servants, and no less flighted poor Fanny, who beheld him as he passed by the coach ; but the mirth of the one and terror of the other were soon determined, when the parson declared he had received no damage. The horse having freed himself from his unworthy 2l6 THE ADVENTURES OF rider, as he probably thought him, proceeded to make the best of his way ; but was stopped by a gentleman and his servants, who were travelling the opposite way, and were now at a little distance from the coach. They soon met ; and as one of the servants delivered Adams his horse, his master hailed him, and Adams, looking up, presently recollected he was the justice of peace before whom he and Fanny had made their appearance. The parson presently saluted him very kindly ; and the justice informed him that he had found the fellow who attempted to swear against him and the young woman the very next day, and had committed him to Salisbury gaol, where he was charged with many robberies. Many compliments having passed between the par- son and the justice, the latter proceeded on his journey ; and the former, having with some disdain refused Joseph's offer of changing horses, and declared he was as able a horseman as any in the kingdom, remounted his beast ; and now the company again proceeded, and happily arrived at their journey's end, Mr Adams, by good luck, rather than by good riding, escaping a second fall. The company, arriving at Mr Booby's house, were all received by him in the most courteous and enter- tained in the most splendid manner, after the custom of the old English hospitality, which is still preserved in some very few families in the remote parts of England. They all passed that day with the utmost satisfaction ; it being perhaps impossible to find any set of people more solidly and sincerely happy. Joseph and Fanny found means to be alone upwards of two hours, which were the shortest but the sweetest imaginable. In the morning Mr "Wilson proposed to his son to make a visit with him to his mother ; which, notwith- standing his dutiful inclinations, and a longing desire he JOSEPH ANDREWS. 21 7 had to see her, a little concerned him, ns he must be obliged to leave his Fanny ; but the goodness of Mr Booby relieved him ; for he proposed to send his own coach and six for Mrs Wilson, whom Pamela so very earnestly invited, that Mr Wilson at length agreed with the entreaties of Mr Booby and Joseph, and suffered the coach to go empty for his wife. On Saturday night the coach returned with Mrs Wilson, who added one more to this happy assembly. The reader may imagine much better and quicker too than I can describe the many embraces and tears of joy which succeeded her arrival. It is sufficient to say she was easily prevailed with to follow her husband's example in consenting to the match. On Sunday Mr Adams performed the service at the squire's parish church, the curate of which very kindly exchanged duty, and rode twenty miles to the Lady Booby's parish so to do ; being particularly charged not to omit publishing the banns, being the third and last time. At length the happy day arrived which was to put Joseph in the possession of all his wishes. He arose, and drest himself in a neat but plain suit of Mr Booby's, which exactly fitted him ; for he refused all finery ; as did Fanny likewise, who could be prevailed on by Pamela to attire herself in nothing richer than a white dimity nightgown. Her shift indeed, which Pamela presented her, was of the finest kind, and had an edging of lace round the bosom. She likewise equipped her with a pair of fine white thread stockings, which were all she would accept ; for she wore one of her own short round-eared caps, and over it a little straw hat, lined with cherry-coloured silk, and tied with a cherry-coloured ribbon. In this dress she came forth from her chamber, blushing and breathing sweets ; and was by Joseph, whose eyes sparkled fire, led to 2lS THE ADVENTURES OF church, the whole family attending, where Mr Adams performed the ceremony ; at which nothing was so re- markable as the extraordinary and unaffected modesty of Fanny, unless the true Christian piety of Adams, who publickly rebuked Mr Booby and Pamela for laughing in so sacred a place, and on so solemn an occa- sion. Our parson would have done no less to the highest prince on earth ; for, though he paid all sub- mission and deference to his superiors in other matters, where the least spice of religion intervened he im- mediately lost all respect of persons. It was his maxim, that he was a servant of the Highest, and could not, without departing from his duty, give up the least article of his honour or of his cause to the greatest earthly potentate. Indeed, he always asserted that Mi- Adams at church with his surplice on, and Mr Adams without that ornament in any other place, were two very different persons. When the church rites were over Joseph led his blooming bride back to Mr Booby's (for the distance was so very little they did not think proper to use a coach) ; the whole company attended them likewise on foot ; and now a most magnificent entertainment was provided, at which parson Adams demonstrated an appetite surprizing as well as surpassing every one present. Indeed the only persons who betrayed any deficiency on this occasion were those on whose account the feast was provided. They pampered their imagina- tions with the much more exquisite repast which the approach of night promised them ; the thoughts of which filled both their minds, though with different sensations ; the one all desire, while the other had her wishes tempered with fears. At length, after a day passed with the utmost merri- ment, corrected by the strictest decency, in which, however, parson Adams, being well filled with ale and JOSEPH ANDREWS. 219 pudding, had given a loose to more facetiousness than was usual to him, the happy, the blest moment arrived when Fanny retired with her mother, her mother-in- law, and her sister. She was soon undrest ; for she had no jewels to deposit in their caskets, nor fine laces to fold with the nicest exactness. Undressing to her was properly discovering, not putting off, ornaments ; for, as all her charms were the gifts of nature, she could divest herself of none. How, reader, shall I give thee an adequate idea of this lovely young creature ? the bloom of roses and. lilies might a little illustrate her com- plexion, or their smell her sweetness ; but to com- prehend her entirely, conceive youth, health, bloom, neatness, and innocence, in her bridal bed; conceive all these in their utmost perfection, and you may place the charming Fanny's picture before your eyes. Joseph no sooner heard she was in bed than he fled with the utmost eagerness to her. A minute carried him into her arms, where we shall leave this happy couple to enjoy the private rewards of their constancy ; rewards so great and sweet, that I apprehend Joseph neither envied the noblest duke, nor Fanny the finest duchess, that night. The third day Mr Wilson and his wife, with their son and daughter, returned home; where they now live together in a state of bliss scarce ever equalled. Mr Booby hath, with unprecedented generosity, given Fanny a fortune of two thousand pounds, which Joseph hath laid out in a little estate in the same parish with his father, which he now occupies (his father havina stocked it for him) ; and Fanny presides with most excellent management in his dairy; where, however, she is not at present very able to bustle much, being, as Mr Wilson informs me in his last letter, extremely big with her first child. 2 20 ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH ANDREWS. Mr Booby hath presented Mr Adams with a living of one hundred and thirty pounds a year. He at first refused it, resolving not to quit his parishioners, with whom he had lived so long ; but, on recollecting he might keep a curate at this living, he hath been lately inducted into it. The pedlar, besides several handsome presents, both from Mr Wilson and Mr Booby, is, by the latter's interest, made an exciseman ; a trust which he dis- charges with such justice, that he is greatly beloved in his neighbourhood. As for the Lady Booby, she returned to London in a few days, where a young captain of dragoons, together with eternal parties at cards, soon obliterated the memory of Joseph. Joseph remains blest with his Fanny, whom he doats on with the utmost tenderness, which is all returned on her side. The happiness of this couple is a perpetual fountain of pleasure to their fond parents ; and, what is particularly remarkable, he declares he will imitate them in their retirement, nor will be prevailed. on by any booksellers, or their authors, to make his appear- ance in high life. THE END. Printed by Ballantvne, Hanson &> Co. Edinburgh <2r> London CENTRAL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY University of California, San Diego DATE DUE DEC 5 1973 DEC 5 &» C/39 f/CSD Libr. ^**% • ?«$*!' -®A