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DOUGLAS MALLOCH 
 
KESAWED FABLES 
 
 BY 
 
 DOUGLAS MALLOCH 
 
 1911: 
 
 AMERICAN LUMBERMAN- 
 CHICAGO 
 
Copyright, 1911, by the American Lumberman 
 
DEDICATION: 
 
 TO MY SON, DONALD HERBERT MALLOCH, 
 
 ^ WHO CAN'T READ YET, 
 
 AND TO ANY OTHERS WHO WILL. 
 
 325015 
 
RESAWED FABLES 
 
Of Developing a Specialty 
 
 Any High-Brow Farmer will allow that it is 
 difficult to find a General Purpose Cow. Some 
 of our Agricultural Customers will say a Hoi- 
 stein is, and some will say Some Other Critter. 
 This Subject has been debated at every Social 
 Function in Posey County for years, but it is 
 likely to remain Unanswered until T. Roosevelt 
 takes to dairying. 
 
 The General Purpose Lumberman is Analo- 
 gous, whatever that is. It is pretty hard for a 
 Bovine to make good Suet and be a Good Butter 
 Cow also, especially if her Qualities as Beef 
 are tested First. The Best Butter and Beef 
 Cow the Writer ever saw was one of the Gen- 
 tleman Variety, which Butted its Owner over 
 into the next Quarter Section and was con- 
 verted into Prime Beef shortly thereafter. 
 
 The General Purpose Lumberman is Analo- 
 gous. It is difficult for a man to be a good Mill 
 Man, a good Timber Buyer, a good Salesman, a 
 good Collector and a good Christian all at one 
 and the same Time. Once there was a Whole- 
 
10. .!, RESAWED FABLES 
 
 sale Lumber Dealer who employed one of these 
 General Purpose Lumbermen. This Man looked 
 after the Buying, the Selling and the Credit 
 Department; and this Trio of Triplets kept him 
 about as busy as Triplets will. Once in a while 
 a Chance to close a Snap on some Log Run 
 slipped through his mitts. Now and then a 
 Sale was not closed up in time because he didn't 
 have the Time with which to close it up. Occa- 
 sionally a Eetail Dealer exploded with a Dull 
 Roar and left the Wholesale Yard Holding the 
 Bag, because the General Purpose Lumberman 
 had not been as Hep to the Retailer's Respon- 
 sibility as he might have been. 
 . These things Irked both the Wholesaler and 
 the General Purpose Lumberman. The Inevit- 
 able happened. It was one of those Cases 
 where a Man was *Fired and Quit at the Same 
 Time. Now the Wholesaler has three Men to 
 Wrastle what used to be done by one General 
 Purpose Lumberman. It costs him nearly 
 three times as Much, but he is better Satisfied. 
 As for the General Purpose Lumberman, he is 
 better satisfied also. He is doing Nothing but 
 Buying now for another Wholesale Concern 
 and he is cashing Three Times the Salary he 
 was when holding down Three Jobs and get- 
 ting Longer Vacations. 
 Moral This is the Age of the Specialist; the 
 
EESAWED FABLES 11 
 
 Successful Man is the one who can do one 
 Thing better than Anybody else or can make 
 People Think he can. 
 
 Of Going Up Against the Wrong 
 Proposition 
 
 There was Once only once a Traveling 
 Salesman for a Belt Factory who had a cute 
 curly Moustache, a Red Vest and a Manner 
 that he thought made Chesterfield look like a 
 Hod Carrier. He generally let the Black Mous- 
 tache get in its Work first, then he Turned On 
 the Vest (he should have been Pinched for 
 wearing it inside the Fire Limits), and finally 
 let the Winning Manner do the Best. He be- 
 lieved as a Lady-Killer he had Bluebeard spar- 
 ring for wind. 
 
 One day this Half-Baked Lad, who thought 
 his name ought to be spelled Winner with a 
 Big W, dropped into a Strange Burg to sell a 
 Little Bill of Belts to the E. U. Good Lumber 
 Company. As luck which was always coming 
 his Way in large sized Packages would have 
 it, there was no One in the Office when the 
 Heart Smasher strode in in all his Glory but a 
 
12 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Defenseless Woman engaged in looking over 
 the Books (at about $20 per mo, thought the 
 Wise Guy with the Belt Line). He at once got 
 his Moustache and his Sunset Vest and his 
 Triple-Plate Cheek to work to win her out. 
 
 The Rest of the Particulars are Missing and 
 also seven Links of the Belt Salesman's Watch- 
 chain and the Order he was to have gotten from 
 the E. U. Good Lumber Company. Some of the 
 Mill Hands found him in an Inverted Position 
 in a Barrel of Black Grease at the Back of the 
 Office which, while it may have oiled his Mous- 
 tache, did not improve the Vest. He had to 
 own up that he had tried to Win Out the 
 Female Bookkeeper in the Office and had run 
 up against a Lady Zbyszko in Disguise. 
 
 Then One of the Volunteer Life-Saving Crew 
 who had pulled him out of the Grease Barrel 
 had a Happy Thought. 
 
 "Why," he ejaculated, "I know who it was 
 you Met." 
 
 "I don't care Who it was I met," said the 
 Salesman, "May we never Meet Again. But 
 who was It ?" 
 
 "That was the Widow Good, the Head of the 
 Company." 
 
 Moral Sometimes When you tackle a 
 Woman You tackle the Wrong Man. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 13 
 
 Of Yielding to Temptation 
 
 Now it so Happened, as such Things will, 
 that a certain Saw Mill Man in Pennsylvania 
 had three Sons. Two of the Sons were good 
 Sons but the other Son was a Black Sheep. 
 When a mere child the Black Sheep licked the 
 two good Sons singly and syndicated; but be it 
 also said to the Credit of the Black Sheep that 
 he also punched the Everlasting Dickens out 
 of a Brace of School Bullies who tried to hand 
 it to the Good Sons. If there was a Fight or 
 an Expedition to some Farmer's Melon Patch 
 or any Mischief brewing the Black Sheep was 
 Johnny on the Spot. If there was Anything 
 doing in the Trouble Line Black Sheep wanted 
 to be right there when the Trouble was handed 
 out. But the two good Boys were home study- 
 ing their Trigonometry, whatever that is. 
 
 The Three Graces worried through School 
 and went to College, with a Result that might 
 have been expected. The two good Sons got 
 through Astrology and Bugology and came out 
 with the Degree of B. A. The Black Sheep, 
 while he did not get through Trigonometry and 
 Deuteronomy and such Branches, did manage 
 to get through about $120 of the old man's 
 Money every Month and graduated in the Mid- 
 
14 KESAWED FABLES 
 
 die of his sophomore Year with the Degree of 
 B. A. A. which stands for baa, baa, Black 
 Sheep, and is a Degree one Degree higher than 
 the Boiling Point. 
 
 Now the wonderful Part of this Story is that 
 the old man never lost confidence in the Black 
 Sheep. He had to admit in the first Place that 
 the Boy had enough Energy to keep him busy 
 getting him out of Scrapes, but he never ob- 
 served the good Boys burning up Anything 
 around in their Part of the Grounds. He said 
 he would rather see a Man make an Error now 
 and then in the Game of Life than see him loaf 
 and let Easy Outs go by for Base Hits. The 
 Boy's Mother kicked sometimes but the old 
 man sprung the Sowing-His-Wild-Oats Gag on 
 her on these Occasions and managed to keep 
 Peace and the Black Sheep in the Family. 
 
 "If he gets through this Time of Life with- 
 out breaking his Neck or his Father/' the 
 Boy's Dad used to say, "he'll be in Shape to 
 appreciate what he's Tip Against when he 
 breaks into the Lumber Business. Not that I 
 recommend this Course of Study for any young 
 Man; but Deviltry is like Measles if a Person 
 is bound to have it Some Time he had better 
 have it while he's Young." 
 
 When the Boys had all got Home from Col- 
 lege the old man decided to set them up in 
 
EESAWED FABLES 15 
 
 Business. So he established three retail Lum- 
 ber Yards in Towns far enough apart to keep 
 the three Brothers from fighting for Barn Bills 
 as they used to fight for Megs in Boyhood 
 Days. The Governor was tempted to put them 
 all in the same Burg and let the best) Man win; 
 but, for the Sake of Peace and Profits, he wise- 
 ly decided upon the other Course. 
 
 Now it came to pass that the first good Son 
 did not do enough Business to keep up his fire 
 Insurance premiums. There may have been 
 Something the Matter with his Town or his 
 Trigonometry. There were some People who 
 said he lacked Practical Experience, while 
 there were Others who came right out in Meet- 
 ing and declared that all he lacked was Brains. 
 
 As might have been expected in a Yarn of 
 this Kind, the Black Sheep did all Kinds of 
 Business at his Yard. When he got a Lumber 
 Yard on his Shoulders he sort of Settled Down, 
 which almost any Man would do under the 
 same Circumstances. At the End of the Year 
 he turned $3,800 over to the Governor as the 
 Proceeds of the Yard its first Season. 
 
 The other Son did even better, strange to 
 say. There may have been some Luck in it or 
 it may have been the Bugology that helped him. 
 At any rate, at the End of the Year the Books 
 of the second good Son showed $5,247.63 to the 
 
16 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Credit of the Old Man who had given him the 
 Yard to Boss. 
 
 But the Good Young Man couldn't stand the 
 Pressure, and the old man has never cashed in 
 his Credit for $5,247.63. He has blown in 
 pretty near that much for Ads in the Personal 
 Columns stating that if Reginald will return 
 all will be forgiven. 
 
 Moral He is unlucky whose First Tempta- 
 tion is a Big One. 
 
 Of Socrates and the Man from 
 Wisconsin 
 
 This Fable is for the uplift of the Human 
 Tank who is inclined to cast his lamps on the 
 Wine when it is Bed. 
 
 This man an Exception was a Hemlock 
 Manufacturer at Somewhere, Wis. He had 
 been reading the Sad Fate of one Socrates, who 
 Flourished between 469 and 399 B. C. It both- 
 ered him Some to see how a Man could be born 
 in 469 and Die in 399. According to that he 
 had Died Seventy years before he was Born 
 a Very sad thing to Happen to Any man. How- 
 
EESAWED FABLES 17 
 
 ever, it is that Way in the books and it might 
 Easily have happened in Some Towns. 
 
 Socrates was a Philosopher, like B. A. Johnson 
 and Frank McMillan. He was the Son of 
 Sopronicus, and a pupil of Sumothercus, who 
 taught him to be a Sculptor. Soc thought that 
 rather than be a Sculptor he would be a 
 Philosopher. Sculpting too closely resembled 
 Work, while it was a Snap to philos. 
 
 History records that Socrates had a Shrewish 
 Wife, but that he also had a Robust Constitu- 
 tion which was Well. It is recorded that 
 Socrates once Stood still for twenty-four Hours 
 Entranced in Thought. He was Probably try- 
 ing to Remember what his Wife Tied the White 
 String on his Finger for. 
 
 In 399 Socrates was Charged with Neglect- 
 ing the Gods of the State and Introducing new 
 Divinities and with Corrupting the Morals of 
 the Young. It is Supposed that this was the 
 Result of his Attempt to Hold a Concatenation. 
 
 Similar Charges had been Made twenty-four 
 Years before; but Socrates had a Pull and 
 knew Something about getting Continuances, 
 Writs of Habeas Corpus etc., etc. In his De- 
 fense Socrates pointed with Pride to his Past. 
 (A man always has more Confidence in his 
 Past than other People have.) Socrates was 
 Convicted by six Votes out of a possible 500, 
 
18 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 but expressed a Willingness to submit to a Re- 
 count in one or two Doubtful Precincts. The 
 Punishment had still to be Picked Out. Soc- 
 rates himself Declared that if he were Treated 
 according to his public Services he would be 
 Maintained at Public expense. This provoked 
 the Jury, and it Condemned him to wear a 
 Tombstone. The Jury gave him Thirty days 
 to settle up his Affairs, and then Compelled 
 him to Drink a Cup of Hemlock. This made 
 Socrates the Original Hemlock Consumer, and 
 caused his Subsequent election as the Patron 
 Saint of the Northern Hemlock & Hardwood 
 Manufacturers' Association. 
 
 The Hemlock Manufacturer at Somewhere, 
 Wis., mentioned earlier in the Chapter, had 
 been Reading about Socrates and the Hemlock 
 he Consumed, and Wisely decided that where 
 Socrates made his Mistake in Drinking Hem- 
 lock was in being too abrupt about it. This 
 man had a Hemlock mill and a few million 
 feet of Hemlock Lumber in stock and a few 
 Million more of Hemlock in the Tree. Instead 
 of Absorbing this in the Rough, and thus filling 
 his System full of Methylconine, he Converted 
 his Hemlock Lumber Yard, his Hemlock mill 
 and his Hemlock Timber into Gin Fizzes, 
 Brandy Sours and the Stuff that made Louis- 
 ville Famous. 
 
BESAWED FABLES 19 
 
 He may have Thought that he had More Pun 
 than Socrates, but he Suffered longer and the 
 Result was the same. 
 
 Moral No man was ever made Rich by 
 Booze, not the Fellow in Front. 
 
 Of Piling It On 
 
 There are a Lot of Men in this Vale of Tears 
 who have a Good Thing and don't appreciate 
 the Fact. At least that is what their Wives are' 
 always Telling them. No one appreciates a 
 Good Thing like a Woman and no one uses a 
 Mirror as Much. 
 
 Once upon a Time there was a Retail Lum- 
 ber Dealer like that. He was doing a Business 
 like a Lemonade Seller at a Newsboys' Picnic 
 and stood a chance of getting almost as wealthy. 
 It was the Kind of Wealth that comes to a Man 
 slowly but surely like an Appetite for Olives. 
 But this Man had the Idea he wanted to get 
 Wealthy by Jerks. 
 
 So he began to " Enlarge his Business." 
 That's what he Called It. Now, enlarging one's 
 Business is All Right; but that is like a Fellow's 
 Portrait he doesn't want to enlarge it too 
 
20 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 large or it will make the Mole on his Face look 
 like the Biggest thing on the Farm, and his 
 Wrinkled Brow like a Corrugated Roof. 
 
 It is a Commercial Truth that Good Credit 
 is of Absolutely no Value to a Man unless he 
 uses it. But it is like Congratulations at a Wed- 
 ding don't overdo it or in Time the Other Fel- 
 low will find out what an Awful Liar you are. 
 
 This Man began to use his Credit a little at 
 first, a lot at last. His Credit was Al, for 
 everybody knew he was simply coining Money. 
 He had a Ketail Lumber Business that was a 
 Cinch. He had the People with him. So when 
 he wanted a little money the bank advanced it 
 to him. He told the Bank that it was to enlarge 
 his Business, and the Directors rubbed their 
 Hands and were glad. The local paper told 
 about the Big Stock he was going to put in and 
 printed a Picture of him that represented him 
 in an advanced Stage of Smallpox. 
 
 It wasn't so very awful Long before the 
 Thing got to be a Mania with him. He had 
 Dreams at Night and Schemes by Day. After 
 a while the Bank made him get an Indorser. 
 Then he applied to his Friends. At first they 
 were Delighted. After a little While instead 
 of being Delighted they were Busy or Out of 
 Town. It was about this Time that a Coinci- 
 dence happened. A Coincidence is when two 
 
EESAWED FABLES 21 
 
 Things unexpectedly happen at the Same Time 
 for instance, Twins. 
 
 One Day in the merry Month of May the 
 Dealer heard a Crash out in the Yard. At first 
 he thought it might be the Bookkeeper's new 
 Summer Suit, but he determined to Investigate. 
 When he reached the Point of Investigation he 
 found the Hands pulling about 75,000 feet of 
 2x10x12 off of Mike Malone, the best Lumber 
 Filer in the Business. When they got Mike out 
 he looked like the Busy Part of a Railroad Col- 
 lision. 
 
 "You see it was like This," explained the 
 Yard Foreman. "Mike got swelled on himself. 
 He is a Cracker jack at Standing up Lumber 
 and he knows it. This two-by-ten piles nice 
 and Mike said he would stack up a Lumber Pile 
 that would make the Eiffel Tower look like a 
 Dog House. He'd got it up where it was the 
 Highest Pile of Lumber ever seen in this Dis- 
 trict; but that wasn't enough. He said it would 
 stand another Course and he went to put it on. 
 It was one Course too much. Mike and the Top 
 of the Pile both started for the ground at the 
 Same Time but Mike got here First. 
 
 "The Wind would have Took the Pile over 
 Anyway before long, so we're Nothing Out. 
 But I feel kind of Sorry for Mike. He'll have 
 to take Some one home with him to Identify 
 
22 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 him to his wife. It shows that a Man don't 
 want to pile it on Too Thick. " 
 
 The Lumberman went back to the Office and 
 figured up what Paper he had Floating. Then 
 he tore up a Blank Note and a Mortgage. 
 
 Moral It Doesn't have to be Pointed out; 
 it's Plain Enough. 
 
 Of the Man Who Welches 
 
 A Traveling Salesman for a Toothpick Fac- 
 tory, a Man who appreciated a Good point 
 whether it was on a Toothpick or in a Story, 
 fell in with a Stranger in the Smoker and in- 
 vited him into a little, quiet Game of Draw. 
 The Stranger Fell for the Suggestion with 
 celerity. A Couple of other Fellow Passengers 
 were drawn into the Gentlemen's Game and, as 
 no Particular Limit but the End of the Road 
 had been Mentioned, the Jackpots soon became 
 nearly as large as the Purses hung up at the 
 Somerville (N. J.) County Fair. 
 
 After the Game had progressed for a Brief 
 Interval there occurred one of those Striking 
 Coincidences that Sometimes happen in Draw 
 Poker two Men held Combinations which they 
 knew couldn't be Beat if they were Lucky 
 
RESAWED FABLES 23 
 
 enough to Fill. When the Stranger Fingered 
 over his Pasteboards he found three beautiful 
 Aces, a Six of Hearts and a Seven of Spades. 
 The Toothpick Drummer found three little 
 Trays that looked Pretty Good to him, so* Good 
 in fact that he quietly remarked, " Gentlemen, 
 it'll cost you Ten to draw Cards." 
 
 While there was a very comfortable John 
 Pot, the Outsiders could not see Ten Dollars' 
 Worth of Cards in their Hands and promptly 
 backed up. It was now up to the Stranger and 
 he came in with promptitude. On the Draw he 
 was rather Glad he came, for he exchanged his 
 Six and Seven for a Pair of Ladies. The Tooth- 
 pick Drummer also drew two Cards but he did 
 not get a Pair. Nevertheless he bid Ten Simo- 
 leons and the Stranger came back at him with 
 Fifty Better. The Toothpick Agent fingered 
 his Cards again thoughtfully and cautiously, 
 reached into his Pocket and pulled out a Small 
 Wallet and laid down a Hundred. 
 
 The two spectators looked at One Another 
 and drew a Little Closer. The Stranger went 
 into a Fit. He grew Eed, White and Blue by 
 Turns. He gazed at his three little Aces and 
 his Pair of Queens. They did not look as Big 
 as they had a few minutes ago, but still they 
 looked Pretty Big. The Silence felt like an 
 Ulcerated Tooth. 
 
24 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 "ItTI cost you Fifty to see what I've got," 
 murmured the man with the Line of Toothpicks. 
 
 The Stranger awoke with a Start. Then he 
 also Dove down into his Inner Compartments 
 and pulled out a Black, religious-looking Wallet. 
 From its recesses he plucked two Twenties and 
 a Ten. The Toothpick Man laid down Four 
 Trays. 
 
 The Cards dropped from the Stranger's hands 
 and the Toothpick Drummer began folding up 
 the greenbacks. Then the Stranger spoke in 
 the Voice of a man opening a Memorial Meet- 
 ing. 
 
 "Are you really going to take it?" he asked. 
 
 "Why not?" asked the Toothpick man, paus- 
 ing in surprise. 
 
 "Because when I played that fifty Dollars I 
 risked more than the Money; I Risked my 
 Eeputation and my Sacred Honor. That was 
 the Firm's Money." 
 
 "Yes, you risked it and I won it and it's 
 Mine. But, Stranger," said the Toothpick man, 
 passing Fifty Dollars back to the other man, 
 "I'll stake you back to your Reputation and 
 your Sacred Honor and ask you this One Ques- 
 tion: Would your Sacred Honor have been 
 0. K. if you had Won?" 
 
 Moral We never Recognize the Wickedness 
 of the Game until we Lose. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 25 
 
 Of Keeping the Faith 
 
 Once upon a Time there was a bunch of saw 
 mill men who were sawing lumber to beat the 
 Band. But the Band came up again serenely 
 every morning and asked for More. The 
 Amount of this particular lumber that these 
 unparticular lumbermen were sending out upon 
 a cold, unfeeling world was, however, away out 
 of proportion to the Financial Returns that 
 Blew in in the Daily Mail. The mill men were 
 apparently making lumber for their Health, 
 but this was not having the Tonic Effect that 
 might be Expected. They decided finally to 
 hold a Medical Congress and see if the Trouble 
 lay in the netherschorosis or in the supercere- 
 brum. 
 
 This consultation, or ante-mortem investiga- 
 tion, was the result of the Enterprise and Post- 
 age of I. Sawyer Wood, who had Dared the 
 Bunch to Sit down Together at the Hotel de 
 Bum joint. Mr. Wood looked over the list of 
 the Men engaged in this line of Sawdust Manu- 
 facture and bagged 89 out of a possible 93, giv- 
 ing him an average of .957. When the Sawmil- 
 lers had Coagulated Somewhat, Mr. Wood made 
 a Proposition that they put the Business where 
 it would yield Dividends instead of Headaches. 
 
26 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 He proposed to do this by shutting down all 
 the Mills from 3:07 to 3:24 p. m. every Thurs- 
 day. 
 
 Most of those present expressed a Hearty 
 Willingness to subscribe to the Agreement, 
 but some of the Bashful Ones were disposed 
 to Hang Back. They were worried about the 
 Other Four who were not at the Meeting. Had 
 it been a meeting to Whack Up Something the 
 absence of the Terrible Four would not have 
 Worried them so much. 
 
 But the more the Among Those Present con- 
 sidered the Absent Ones the More Were they 
 Persuaded that until the Fearful Four came 
 into the Fold there could be Nothing Doing. 
 
 I. Sawyer Wood sidestepped a Talkfest and 
 calmed their Fears by agreeing Personally to 
 make a Junket to Diagnose the Cases of the 
 Absent Ones. Thereupon he succeeded in get- 
 ting those present to Subscribe to an Instru- 
 ment that was expected to Blow Holes in the 
 Cloud of Financial Depression and bring on a 
 Shower of Gold Shekels. Then the Meeting 
 adjourned, subject to the Call of the Janitor. 
 
 Two weeks later I. Sawyer Wood started out 
 to see what Ailed the Four Foolish Virgins. 
 He found that one Sawmiller had contracted 
 his Season's cut and to Limit it might involve 
 a Lawsuit. The next man had some Notes 
 
EESAWED FABLES 27 
 
 coming Due and by keeping up his Gait he was 
 just able to look the Bank Cashier in the Face. 
 The Third Man was working on a Special Bill 
 and he had to Go Some to get it out according 
 to Schedule. The Fourth Man explained that 
 he didn't make his Glad Presence known at the 
 Meeting because he had been Sawmilling so 
 long under present conditions that he didn't 
 have the Price. 
 
 All would have been well if I. Sawyer Wood 
 had not Continued his Travels. He went eleven 
 miles up the railroad; and then he Kealized 
 with a Great Throb of Sadness that he had 
 gone Too Far. He ran into the Saw Mill of 
 one of the Fellows who had signed the compact. 
 It was 3:15 p. m. Thursday and the old Mill 
 was buzzing away as though there wasn't an 
 Agreement within 17,000 miles. I. Sawyer 
 Wood stalked up to the Office, but it had little 
 Effect on the Sawmill man, although I. Sawyer 
 Wood is not such a Bum Stalker at that. The 
 Mill Man explanationed why he had broken the 
 Compact. His Wife's Folks had just come to 
 Spend the Winter and he needed the Money. 
 
 Our Hero now decided that it was up to him 
 to do a little more Hawkshaw business. At the 
 fatal 17 minutes of the next fatal Thursday he 
 found another Mill Chewing away like a stenog- 
 rapher with the Pepsin habit. This man ex- 
 
28 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 plained that he was afraid if he shut down for 
 17 minutes once a Week the steam would Chill 
 and give the boilers Pneumonia. 
 
 The next Offender I. Sawyer discovered said 
 he was compelled to run in order to get Saw- 
 dust to burn to make more Sawdust to Burn to 
 make more Sawdust. 
 
 The worst was yet to come. At last I. Saw- 
 yer stumbled on a man who was running Over- 
 time in order to stock up for the Rise. The 
 Man had been the Main Spieler of the Bunch 
 that Eaved about the Absent Four. 
 
 Moral Look out for the man who worries 
 about the good Faith of the Other Fellow. 
 
 Of the Moving of Lumber in 
 Kansas 
 
 A Lawsuit is something which catches a Man 
 when he's down and finishes up the Job. Sliver- 
 son Notts, who operated a Retail Lumber Yard 
 in Cornville, Kan., feared a Lawsuit like a 
 Hypocrite fears the Truth. Sliverson Notts 
 was up against it Good and Proper. Things 
 hadn't been breaking his Way for some Months 
 and in Endeavoring to Tide over the financial 
 Cyclone Sliverson Notts had been distributing 
 
EESAWED FABLES 29 
 
 his Paper over his Part of Kansas like the 
 Opposition Car of a Circus. He had been cir- 
 culating his Autograph in Kansas like a New 
 Member of the United States Senate in Wash- 
 ington after his Maiden Speech. 
 
 The Fox chased by Hounds is All Right as 
 long as the Hounds come at him One at a Time 
 and don't all Jump on him at Once. That is the 
 Way it was with Sliverson Notts, of Kansas. So 
 long as the Men who Held his Autograph came 
 at him One at a Time he was Safe; but he feared 
 the Eesult if one of them should bring Suit and 
 Fetch the Whole Pack down on him together. 
 He realized that an Era of simultaneous Collec- 
 tions would put the Sliverson Notts Lumber 
 Company very much to the Bad. 
 
 Things were Coming a little better for Sliver- 
 son Notts when one Day he got Wind that some 
 Blamed Fool had begun to Get Worried about 
 his Money and had begun Suit against him. 
 The B. F. knew it would Bust Sliverson Notts 
 up in Business but figured he would be in on the 
 Ground Floor when the Crash came, anyway. 
 As for Sliverson Notts, he knew that Creditors 
 would be Camped around his Lumber Yard in 
 the Morning like Believers at a Free Methodist 
 Camp Meeting. If the B. F. had only left him 
 Alone a Week or so longer he would have come 
 out of it All Right. 
 
30 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Sliverson Notts was informed by an Obliging 
 Friend, who Ean up to Tell him so as to see 
 how he Took it, that the Papers had been drawn 
 up that Afternoon and the Attachment on the 
 Lumber would be Served in the Morning along 
 with his Grape-Nuts. He went to Bed that 
 Night feeling like a Man who is going to do a 
 Dancing Specialty on the Sheriff's Elevated 
 Platform. He Knew it was useless Battling 
 against the inevitable which is another Name 
 for a Kansas Sheriff. 
 
 That Night the wind soughed Dismally about 
 the House, like a Hired Girl with the Tooth- 
 ache. In the Morning Sliverson Notts arose 
 and Wandered down to take a Farewell Look 
 at his Lumber Yard. When he reached the 
 Spot he Eubbed his Eyes with Amazement and 
 a Bandana Handkerchief. The Spot was there 
 All Eight but the Lumber Yard, where was It? 
 
 There were a few Plank scattered about and 
 these Scattered Plank led off in a Southeasterly 
 Direction. Sliverson Notts followed the Trail. 
 He tramped all Day and at Nightfall, twenty- 
 seven miles from Home, he came upon his Lum- 
 ber Yard slightly disheveled but laid out just 
 as it had been Laid Out back in Kansas. Now 
 it was in Texas, thanks to a Zephyr which had 
 Picked it up during the Night. 
 
 Business was Pretty Good in Texas and 
 
EESAWED FABLES 31 
 
 Sliverson Notts was soon rather Glad he Moved. 
 After some months of Prosperity, one Day he 
 journeyed Back to Kansas. The Inevitable 
 Sheriff met him with a Glad Hand and a Body 
 Attachment. But Sliverson Notts drew himself 
 up Proudly. " Stand Back," he said, "I've got 
 coin enough to pay 'em all. I knew I could do 
 it if they Gave me Time." 
 
 "When you Going to move Back?" asked the 
 Inevitable. 
 
 "You can .Search Me," replied Sliverson 
 Notts. "I'm liable to come Back almost Any 
 Old Time." 
 
 Moral It's an HI Wind that Blows Nobody 
 Good. 
 
 Of Combining Brains and Capital 
 
 There were once two Comrades who grew up 
 Side by Each, sharing each Other's Sorrows 
 and sharing each Other's Toys. At School they 
 fought for and with each other, loved the same 
 Girl and used the same Brand of Gum. The 
 Girl was freckled and had a pimple on the Lee 
 side of her Nose. She was, ye Gods, how beau- 
 tiful, and she was the only Thing that ever 
 came between them, She walked Home from 
 School that Way. 
 
32 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 The Comrades used to lie on the Eiver Bank 
 and lie about what they intended to be when 
 they grew up. Down the Stream they could 
 hear the drowsy Hum of the Saw Mill. A Saw 
 Mill always has a drowsy Hum in a Book. In 
 Reality a good, active Saw Mill which is in the 
 Enjoyment of ordinary Health can keep a 
 whole Neighborhood awake if it is running 
 Nights. But ' ' Drowsy Hum ' ' .sounds like Harry 
 Miller and so it goes in here out of Compliment 
 to Harry. 
 
 As they saw the Saw Mill and heard its 
 drowsy Hum and felt the Ground Tremble 
 when a big Log rolled on to the Log-deck or 
 the Foreman cussed in his accustomed Manner, 
 they were fired with a great Ambition to own 
 a Saw Mill themselves. Eventually they swore 
 & solemn Oath that, Sinker Swim, Liver Die, 
 Survivor Perish, they would butt into the Saw 
 Mill Business. In Time they forgot the freckle 
 faced Girl with the Pimple on her Jibstay but 
 they never surrendered their cherished Ambi- 
 tion to get into the Saw Mill Push. 
 
 Dick was the son of rich but honest Parents 
 and when he got older and began to know less 
 they sent him to College where he won such 
 Success he was made a regular Halfback. Jack 
 also went to the Harvard Brain Factory but it 
 was only by Means of hard Scraping by the Old 
 
EESAWED FABLES 33 
 
 Man. Jack, in consequence, had less spending 
 Money and more Time for Study. He was not 
 posted on all the fast Horses and Hounds in the 
 Vicinity but he became somewhat acquainted 
 with Caesar and Homer, who are mighty good 
 Fellows even though they are dead. Both boys 
 were graduated with Honors. Jack was Vale- 
 dictorian and Dick Captain of the Team. 
 
 After they had Escaped from College and 
 were again at Large each renewed his Deter- 
 mination to break into the Saw Mill Business. 
 Dick had a Father he could Draw on. The only 
 Thing Jack had to draw on was a Corncob Pipe. 
 The two hopeful Lads started out together to 
 seek their Fortunes in the Saw Mill Business. 
 Dick got hold of a Tract in Roscommon County, 
 Michigan, and decided to cut it. He offered 
 Jack, who had no coin with which to buy stand- 
 ing Pine, a Job as Boss of the Mill. But Jack 
 demurred. 
 
 "Dick," he said, "I don't know any more 
 about the Saw Mill Business than you do and 
 you don't know a Blamed Thing. I don't know 
 an Edger from an Elevator and you know the 
 Same. I think it is up to us to assimilate some 
 Experience and I refuse to assimilate mine at 
 your Expense. I've been doing that with your 
 Cocktails but darned if I will with your Expe- 
 rience." 
 
34 BESAWED FABLES 
 
 The Reader will see why Jack was made the 
 Valedictorian of his Class, when he could Orate 
 like that. Dick tried to prevail upon him to 
 change his Mind, but he might as well have 
 talked to a Woman. Jack told him there were 
 Men driving Dumpcarts who knew more about 
 the Business than he did. As for himself, he 
 was going to try it Alone. Thus the Comrades 
 parted. 
 
 Dick Built a Mill. He had to depend upon 
 practical Saw Mill Men and Father's Bank Ac- 
 count a good deal. Finally he got the Thing 
 started and hired a Chap to run it and send him 
 Monthly Eeports. Then Dick went to Detroit, 
 joined a Couple more Clubs, got married and 
 did a number of other reckless Things. He had 
 determined to settle down and enjoy Life and 
 the Monthly Eeports from his Roscommon 
 County Saw Mill. 
 
 Jack went up Country a short Distance. He 
 had three hundred and fifty Plunks with which 
 to go out into the World and make a Million. 
 He invested his Capital in a portable Saw Mill 
 and began custom sawing Railroad Ties for the 
 Grand Rapids & Indiana Railroad. The Mill 
 was a Saw Mill in the fullest Sense, as it pos- 
 sessed but one Saw. It was operated by a 
 threshing Machine Engine blocked 'outside the 
 Mill. One Day the Farmer's Boy who was 
 
EESAWED FABLES 35 
 
 first and last Engineer by mistake threw the 
 Traction Attachment on and the Engine pulled 
 the Saw Mill three Hods before it could be 
 stopped. After this pleasant Occurrence Jack 
 ran the Engine himself. 
 
 The Eeports Dick received down at Detroit 
 were not always encouraging. He decided to 
 change Superintendents, which recalls what 
 Mr. Lincoln said about the Wisdom of swapping 
 Horses when crossing a Stream. Things went 
 from Bad to Worse and Dick went from De- 
 troit to Roscommon County. He finally tried 
 to run the Mill himself and he proved to be the 
 Worst that had tackled the Job yet. Down in 
 Detroit he had learned how to play a Whist 
 Hand to Perfection but not how to handle a 
 Saw Mill Gang or get the most out of a Mill. 
 
 Up at the Tie Mill Jack was having a real 
 nice Time. He never knew whether he would 
 be able to look the next Pay Day in the Face 
 or not, and Something was always busting 
 around the Premises in fact, Everything from 
 the Circular to the Proprietor's Suspenders. 
 Between standing off Employees and Machinery 
 Manufacturers Jack was as busy as a Candidate 
 in a Caucus. 
 
 One Day down in Grand Rapids Jack and 
 Dick bumped into each other. They went and 
 enjoyed a Dinner which to Jack was now an 
 
36 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 infrequent occurrence and Mutual Confi- 
 dences. The next Day the Tie Mill went out of 
 Business, Dick went back to Detroit and Jack 
 found himself with a Bank Account and a fund 
 of Experience to draw on. It is Dick, Jack & 
 Co., and now they are coining Money. 
 
 Moral Many a man with Brains hasn't 
 Brains Enough not to Depend on Brains Alone; 
 Many a man with Money hasn't Money Enough 
 to be in the Saw Mill Business unless he has 
 Brains Enough to Pay Money Enough to Get 
 Brains Enough to Help him Run It. 
 
 Of the Value of Directness 
 
 The Firm of Greene & Browne which was not 
 its Eeal Name at all, but is used merely to give 
 Color to the Story decided to Plant a Saw Mill 
 in a Tract of Timber on the Squahomish Eiver. 
 Steele & ReSette, who sell Lumber Manufactur- 
 ing Machinery in Chicago, and the Kerlin Iron 
 Works, engaged in the Same Business in New 
 York, heard about it almost simultaneously. Al- 
 most simultaneously Steele & ReSette, of Chi- 
 cago, and the Kerlin Iron Works, of New York, 
 Wired Two Salesmen as Follows, to- wit, that is 
 to Say: 
 
EESAWED FABLES 37 
 
 CHICAGO, ILL., January 23, 1911. 
 H. H. HAPP, Portland, Ore. 
 
 See Greene & Brown immediately; in market for mill. 
 
 STEELE & KESETTE. 
 
 NEW YORK, N". Y., January 23, 1911. 
 GABRIEL GITHAR, Greenville, Ga. 
 
 Greene & Browne want to Buy a Sawmill. Get there, 
 Gabriel. KERLIN IRON WORKS. 
 
 Almost simultaneously upon Receipt of these 
 Telegrams the Two Salesmen Wired: 
 
 PORTLAND, ORE., January 23, 1911. 
 GREENE & BROWNE : 
 
 Will call on you with a fine line of Sawmills January 25. 
 
 H. H. HAPP. 
 
 GREENVILLE, GA., January 23, 1911. 
 GREENE & BROWNE : 
 
 Don't do Anything until you Hear from Me. Sample Saw- 
 mill Gone Forward by Express. GABRIEL GITHAR. 
 
 Almost simultaneously H. H. Happ and Ga- 
 briel Githar reached the Office of Greene & 
 Browne, January 26. It was almost simulta- 
 neous, but it was Happ who got there First. 
 Happ decided to place his Money on the Greene 
 
38 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 and was soon in Greene's Private Office. When 
 Githar arrived he also decided to try the Greene, 
 but he found that Handsome Harry already had 
 the Head of the Firm cornered. So Githar had 
 to be content with Browne. 
 
 Meanwhile Happ was progressing happily 
 with Greene in the Private Office. He told him 
 a few Funny Stories, made him smoke a Good 
 Cigar, and Talked to him about the Hardwood 
 Outlook, although he didn't know any more 
 about Hardwoods than Michael Angelo did about 
 the Price of Lath. This consumed so much Time 
 that Greene told Happ he had better come 
 around at 3 p. m. if he wished to talk Saw Mill 
 Machinery. 
 
 Happ went away very well satisfied with his 
 Morning's Work. " Guess I stand in pretty well 
 with the Old Man now," he said to Himself, 
 Himself being the only Person within Hearing 
 Distance at the Time. When he went back at 
 3 p. m. Mr. Greene said: 
 
 " Guess we won't have to talk that Saw Mill 
 Machinery Matter, after all. I kind of turned 
 that over to Browne, and he closed a Deal 
 this Morning with Githar^ of the Kerlin Iron 
 Works." 
 
 Moral The Man who is up to Snuff gets down 
 to Business. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 39 
 
 Of the Straw that Dislocated the 
 Camel's Vertebrae 
 
 A Bank Cashier whose Health had become 
 critical in the eastern Burg in which he handled 
 the Germ-infected but none the less desirable 
 Coin of the Realm decided to locate under the 
 sunny Skies of Colorado. He had concluded 
 that a Change of Scene would do him Good. 
 The Village Doctor told him so and, as the Vil- 
 lage Doctor was also the President of the Bank, 
 the Cashier felt constrained to take his Advice. 
 He took not only the Doctor's Advice but $1,800 
 that the Doctor had accumulated giving Advice 
 to other Patients. 
 
 When the Cashier struck Highfive Gulch with 
 his bad Cough and the Doctor's Advice and his 
 Eighteen Hundred done up in a small grip he 
 was one of the tenderest of the tender among 
 Tenderfeet. He had been reading yellow-backed 
 books about the Wild and Hirsute West and 
 when he stepped off the Train at the Depot he 
 expected to be shot on his first Appearance or 
 on the Foot or Somewhere. However, no one 
 took a Crack at him, and, as a Matter of Fact, 
 no one even observed him get off the Choo-Choo 
 Cars. 
 
40 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 This somewhat Disappointed the Man from 
 the effete East, and he went over to Blur-Eyed 
 Dick's Trouble Factory and filled up on some 
 Booze that was warranted to kill at a Hundred 
 Yards. Then he went out looking for Trouble 
 and he found it Outside waiting for him. He 
 met a Man who had a Temper and a Gun that 
 were both Operated with a Hair Trigger. 
 
 If this were a Piece of Fiction instead of a 
 Truthful Tale this would be the Place for the 
 Moral to come in. As a Matter of Fact, the 
 Cow Puncher said, " Hello, Doughface," and 
 the Doughface responded in an even more com- 
 plimentary Manner. Then both began to shoot 
 the Shoots, a popular Amusement at that 
 Period in the West. In a Story the Cashier 
 would have been made to resemble a Sieve. As 
 a Matter of Fact, he bored a Hole in the GUI* 
 Fighter at the first Crack out of the Box. 
 
 In the eastern Burg from which the Bank 
 Cashier had recently set sail one can not shuffle 
 off some Other Mortal's Coil with Impunity. If 
 you puncture Some One's Anatomy back there 
 or in front there is often apt to be an In- 
 vestigation as to your Provocation. Having 
 been brought up in this Atmosphere, the Bank 
 Cashier knew what to expect. Two Hours later, 
 when a Committee of the Leading Citizens of 
 Highfive Gulch bore down on him, each with a 
 
EESAWED FABLES 41 
 
 Gun Barrel looking with its One Eye right at 
 the Bank Cashier, the latter Gentleman had al- 
 ready begun to wonder what particular Tree 
 they would select for him to ornament, when 
 the Chairman spoke. On behalf of the Citizens 
 of Highfive Gulch, the best prospect in the 
 Rockies, he wished to extend to the Stranger 
 the sincere Thanks of the Community for his 
 Efforts in the Way of Public Improvement 
 which had removed from the camp the Orneriest 
 Cuss that ever rode into the town on a stolen 
 Bronc. 
 
 This Incident encouraged the Tenderfoot quite 
 a little, and the next Morning, having filled up 
 on Eed-eye again, he started out to kill time 
 and a few more of the Inhabitants. But his 
 Eeputation had got abroad and the People were 
 as scary as Partridges. The new Terror wan- 
 dered up the Gulch without finding any Trouble 
 until he came to the tall Timber. Then an Idea 
 struck him; it would have been better for him 
 if it had been a Brick. He thought of a Scheme 
 to start some Excitement. Sure enough he did. 
 
 The Bad Man from the east gathered together 
 a few Handfuls of dry Twigs at the Edge of the 
 Timber and set them afire. Then he sat down 
 to watch the Fun. It came sooner than he had 
 expected. As the Flames ate their Way into 
 the Forest the People poured up from the 
 
42 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Gulch. Every Man of them had a Bucket in his 
 hand save one. He had a Rope. 
 
 Moral You can grow a Man in Twenty 
 Years, but it takes a Hundred to make a Tree. 
 
 Of the Lumbermen's Derby 
 
 A Colt that was taken out of a Pasture and 
 put into Harness for the First Time concluded 
 it was up to him to Surprise the Sporting Writ- 
 ers with a New Mark on a Mile Track. He 
 was out of a Stable that had never Worked out 
 any 2:05 Bosses, but had produced a few Trot- 
 ters that were a Good Bet in the Race of Life 
 on a Cold Day and a Heavy Track. His Sire 
 was a grand old Mud Horse who ran Against 
 Adversity and Panic in the Great 1893 Handi- 
 cap and distanced a Field of Starters that 
 Looked like Sure Winners before the Official 
 Handicapper, Hard ^imes, Got in his Work. 
 But this New Colt with the Fancy Training, and 
 the Fine Grooming that his Father had not been 
 Lucky enough to Enjoy, decided to Set a Mark 
 for the Family. Give him a Good Track and 
 No Breeze and he knew he could clip Ten Sec- 
 onds off the Old Man's Time and make him look 
 like a Selling Plater. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 43 
 
 The Owner was willing to give the Colt a 
 Chance, so he Started him in the Lumbermen's 
 Derby. The Entrance Fee was about $10,000, 
 which was Cheerfully Paid, and $5,000 more was 
 expended for a Stable at one of the Big Tracks 
 where they run off the Lumbermen's Derby, no 
 matter what the Track or Weather. There was 
 a Bunch of Other Entries, including Long Expe- 
 rience, Hard Work, Wise Estimator and Other 
 Horses which had taken a Share of the Purses 
 every Year in the Lumbermen's Derby. The 
 Colt with the Fancy Stable and the Good Back- 
 ing was sure there would be Nothing to it when 
 it came to a Race with these Oldtime Slow- 
 coaches. 
 
 They got away in a Bunch and the Colt Sim- 
 ply ran away from the Field for the Eighth and 
 the Quarter. Then Long Experience began to 
 Close up the Gap and they ran Neck and Neck 
 in the Stretch Turn with Hard Work at their 
 Heels on the Back Stretch running easy, and 
 keeping his Wind and looking like a Strong Fin- 
 isher to Oldtimers in the Stand. 
 
 Then Something Happened. The Colt, crowd- 
 ed for the Pole when he Expected to Canter in, 
 broke and went up in the Air at the Turn, and 
 Hard Work was by him in a Twinkling. It was 
 now a Grand Eace between Long Experience 
 and Hard Work, with Long Experience holding 
 
44 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 a Good Lead. But in the Stretch Hard Work 
 showed his Going Powers. He buckled down 
 and Beat Long Experience to the Wire by a 
 Length, while Wise Estimator Captured Third 
 Money. As for the Colt, he got the Flag. 
 
 Moral In the Race for Commercial Suprem- 
 acy, Hard Work is a Better Proposition than a 
 Fancy Hoss with a Monogram on his Blanket 
 and a Green Eider up. 
 
 Of the Lumberman By Proxy 
 
 There are a few Chaps in this Land of the 
 Free and Home of the Street Car Companies 
 who are Lumbermen by Proxy. They are Scat- 
 tered around the Country like Men at a Thurs- 
 day night Prayer Meeting; but occasionally the 
 Traveling Man runs into them and detects them 
 Immediately. He may not have enough Detect- 
 ive Ability to spot Balls in a Pool Room, but 
 the Traveling Man can pick out the Proxy Lum- 
 berman like a Colored Poultry Fancier finding 
 the Fattest Pullet on a dark and stormy Mght. 
 
 The Lumberman by Proxy, however, is Dead- 
 ly in Earnest. He thinks he is the Eeal Thing 
 free from Shake and as Clear as a legal Deci- 
 sion. He imagines he is Carrying all the Brains 
 
BESAWED FABLES 45 
 
 of the Establishment around under his Fedora, 
 when, as a Matter of Fact, they are Distributed 
 around More or Less among Other People. He 
 doesn't Know that there are a Lot of Men work- 
 ing for him who know that He doesn't know 
 that They know that He doesn't know a lot of 
 things that They know that He doesn't know. 
 
 This is one Type of the Lumberman by Proxy. 
 There is Another Type who takes himself in 
 Earnest, but who considers his Opportunity 
 even more Earnestly. He knows that there are 
 Men in his employ who know more about Skid- 
 ding Logs or Scaling Logs or Skinning Prices 
 than he does; but he doesn't overlook the Fact 
 that that isn't necessarily all. He knows 
 that a Ship may have its Rigging full of good 
 Sailors, but go on the Rocks unless there is a 
 good Man at the Wheel. 
 
 Once upon a Time there was a Lumberman by 
 Proxy of the Latter Class who had good Men 
 to boss the Jobs that he couldn't boss himself. 
 They got along as smoothly as a Ladies' Whist 
 Club for a considerable Period of Time. Then 
 one day one of the Men got Gay and jumped his 
 Job. He expected to see the Proxy Lumberman 
 go fifty-seven feet into the air and explode like 
 a Toy Balloon; but the Foxy Proxy Lumberman 
 had been standing by All the Time; and the 
 Man who jumped found that the Man who six 
 
46 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Months ago knew absolutely Nothing about his 
 Particular Specialty could now do it better than 
 the Jumper could himself. 
 
 About two More jumped and then felt a Good 
 Deal like a Yearling Heifer that jumps over a 
 Field Fence into a Road Ditch and finds it can't 
 get back. There was in Each Case a good Man 
 to take the Place of Each until Some One Else 
 could be found; and the good Man in Each Case 
 was the Boss. 
 
 Moral The Less a Man thinks he Knows, the 
 More he is Likely to Learn. 
 
 Of Troubles 
 
 A Saw Mill Man who was Trying to Do Some 
 Figuring was Annoyed by b. (Key to this Joke 
 Annoyed by a Small Bee/) He took a Soak 
 at It when It Lit on his Left Ear and It Trans- 
 ferred Its Attentions to His Right. It Alighted 
 on his Nose and was Otherwise Over-Familiar. 
 Finally it Stuck its Proboscis into the Back of 
 his Neck up to the Hilt. Then the Saw Mill Man 
 Arose and Swore Blue Blazes. 
 
 That Same Night his Mill Burned up and his 
 Yard Burned Down and Ten years of his Life 
 Went up in smoke, but he Didn't Say a Word. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 47 
 
 Moral It is the Little Troubles that Make 
 Men Cuss; the Big Troubles They Rather Ex- 
 pect. 
 
 Of the School of Experience 
 
 A Youth who had Eead in his Copy Book at 
 the District School that Virtue is its own Ee- 
 ward, and a Few other Choice Spencerian Mot- 
 toes, and who was as Independent as the Stand- 
 ard Oil Company, bearded the Old Man in his 
 Den one Balmy November Evening and Spoke 
 thus, that is to Say: 
 
 "Pa, I want you to Send me. to College." 
 
 Now, Pa had about as much Experience with 
 Colleges as a Zulu has had shoveling Snow, and 
 he thinks a College Education is about as Essen- 
 tial as a Snow Shovel down in Sunny Africah. 
 The Boy knew his Parent's Opinion on the Sub- 
 ject, and what to Expect; so he was not Disap- 
 pointed when Papa Replied: 
 
 "Back to Earth, Sonny. I'm not going to 
 make a college Professor out of you. You'd Bet- 
 ter take a Couple of Years off to See the World, 
 and then come Back and help the Old Man run 
 this Saw Mill Business." 
 
 "Just what I intend to Do, Pa, after I've had 
 Proper Preparation." 
 
49 RESAWED FABLES 
 
 " Proper Preparation? Don't I run a pretty 
 good Business?" 
 
 "A fine Business." 
 
 "Made Some Money, haven't I?" 
 
 "I believe So." 
 
 "Didn't ever hear of Me being Run through 
 one of these Brain Factories, did you?" 
 
 "You never Attended College, I believe." 
 
 "Why should you, when I Didn't?" 
 
 "Because I can and you Couldn't." 
 
 "You mean you have a Eich Father and I 
 didn't?" 
 
 "Perhaps that 'sit." 
 
 "Well, my Boy, I don't want it Said I ever 
 denied you Anything. When you was a Boy you 
 Wanted a Green Apple once. I knew you would 
 Eegret it, but I knew you wouldn't Believe 
 me if I told you so. So I let you have it and 
 sent for the Doctor. I know how it will be. In 
 a few years you'll come out of College and the 
 Old Man will have to Hustle Around to make 
 enough to keep up with your Swelled Ideas." 
 
 "No, Father; you help me through College, 
 and when I come Out I'll Look after Myself." 
 
 "Well, you can go to College, and we'll See." 
 
 Four years and the Boy came out of School. 
 He hung around Home a Month and then said 
 he was going out into the World. The Old 
 Man determined to find out how many Pounds 
 
EESAWED FABLES 49 
 
 Weight his College Education and his Grit 
 would stand, so he let him go unmolested. The 
 Boy had spent Four Years at Civil Engineering, 
 Mathematics and Commercial Practice. But 
 other men had been through the Same Course 
 and were Holding the Jobs. He started by Ap- 
 plying for a position as Superintendent of Con- 
 struction of a Railroad, and wound up by tak- 
 ing a Job wheeling Lumber in Beech's Lumber 
 Yard. " There '11 Come a Time Some Day," 
 quoth he. " You can't Keep a Good Man Down." 
 
 Mr. Beech's Eight Bower was a Young Man 
 in whom he Reposed the Utmost Confidence and 
 the Combination of his Safe. Unknown to Mr. 
 Beech, the Right Bower was engaged in a Stu- 
 dious and More or Less Successful Attempt to 
 Euchre him out of Some of his Visible Assets. 
 One Day the Red-Lipped Monster of Suspicion 
 found a Way into Mr. Beech's Generous Triple- 
 Expansion Heart. He decided to Investigate the 
 Books. But how was he to do the Deed? He 
 Might be Mistaken, and he did not want the 
 Right Bower to know. To employ an Account- 
 ant would at once excite Suspicion and start the 
 Right Bower on a Trip to Niagara Falls, Ont. 
 
 Wending his Way through the Yard One Day 
 without any Idea where he would wend to, he 
 wended into a Lumber Shover who did not look 
 the Part. He engaged him in Conversation. 
 
50 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 That Night he and the Lumber Shover sat up 
 Late at the Office. So did Mrs Beech at home, 
 but that was Merely Incidental. 
 
 Now, the Lumber Shover is Eight Bower. To 
 Mr. Beech ? Dear, no! to the Old Man, who 
 had to Pay him a Bigger Salary than the Big 
 One Beech was paying him to Get him. 
 
 Moral There are a Lot of Men who would 
 make Good Confidential Clerks who are Wheel- 
 ing Lumber; there are also a Number of Con- 
 fidential Clerks who would make Passable 
 Lumber Shovers. 
 
 Of Patriotism 
 
 Once upon a Time there was a man who sought 
 employment in a Lumber Yard. He didn't really 
 have to work, but he preferred Work to going 
 without Food. The Gentle Public hears a good 
 Deal about Art for Art's Sake and the Love of 
 Labor, but if the truth were investigated it 
 would be found that the Desire for three good 
 Meals a Day is responsible for most of the great 
 Songs that are composed and the great literary 
 Masterpieces (see herewith) that are Written. 
 
 It was perhaps unfortunate for this Man that 
 he broke into the Profession of Piling Lumber 
 just before July 4, because the great Natal Day 
 
EESAWED FABLES 51 
 
 was responsible for a Ruction the First Thing. 
 And a Ruction in a Lumber Yard is not always 
 so tame an affair. This particular Lumber Yard 
 was located in a Town that was as full of patriot- 
 ism as the Butter at a Summer Picnic is of Bugs. 
 
 When July 4 precipitated itself upon the wait- 
 ing World, the Lumber Yard shut up and shut 
 down. If any one had mentioned the word 
 "Work" to a Lumber Shover that day, there 
 would have been Work all right, but it would 
 have been Work for the Undertaker. The Lum- 
 ber Shovers were going to celebrate, and in Con- 
 sequence there was considerable doing along 
 Main Street. 
 
 About 4 p. m. some one noticed that the Stran- 
 ger was not Celebrating. He was not with the 
 Boys. He was not firing any Firecrackers. It 
 was said he didn't even have a Flag out. This 
 was an outrage. So a delegation of Citizens 
 went up to his House, full of Indignation most- 
 ly Liquid. 
 
 After they had gently remonstrated with the 
 Stranger by tearing down a few rods of Fence 
 and breaking a few Sash Lights, they permitted 
 him to say a Word. 
 
 "You see, boys," he said, "I ain't shootin' off 
 many Fireworks, because it would make Mother 
 feel kind of bad. It'd make her think more'n 
 more o' the days when all the Children was 
 
52 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Home an' we used to have such Rip-Roarin' Cel- 
 ebrations on the old Farm down in Pennsylvany. 
 Then I used to put on the old blue Coat that I 
 wore through the Vicksburg Campaign, with the 
 medal that Sherman got for me himself. But 
 now me and Mother is Alone. Mary's a hospital 
 Nurse. Harry's in the Philippines. And the 
 Old Flag we Wrapped around Jack when they 
 brought him Back from Cuba that's why there 
 ain 't no Flag out. ' ' 
 
 Moral Don't judge a man's Patriotism by 
 the Amount of Fireworks or Oratory he shoots 
 off. 
 
 Of Baseball and Business 
 
 This is the Time of year when a Fellow likes 
 to steal away from a Hot Office and a Noisy 
 Mill out to the Cool and Peace of the Baseball 
 Grounds, where he can Recline on the Uphol- 
 stered Bleachers and yell himself Hoarse in the 
 Face. He puts off his Dignity and his Collar and 
 Necktie and shouts " Robber" at a man 200 feet 
 Away that he wouldn't stand up Three Rounds 
 with if the Purse were $100,000, Loser take all. 
 It is Wonderful how Brave and Sassy a Man 
 can be under such Circumstances. There's many 
 a Chap who couldn't Lick a Stamp who, when he 
 
EESAWED FABLES 53 
 
 gets on a Ball Ground, is entitled to the Belt as 
 Champion Long-Distance Fighter of the World. 
 
 A Man can not go Anywhere, however, with- 
 out learning Something, unless it is to the Senate 
 Gallery. He can always pick up a few pointers 
 that are useful to him in his Business if he has 
 any Business Left at the end of the Season. A 
 man can learn a Lot at a ball Game, particularly 
 if he Bets on some $8,000 pitcher. 
 
 There is a Eetail Lumber Dealer in Detroit 
 who Fans like a Blower System when the Home 
 Team is in Town. He has attended every Game 
 the home team has played this season and a 
 couple of other Exhibitions that John Shaw 
 didn't call Games at all. But he hasn't been 
 getting all he Paid for at the Gate. He hasn't 
 been acquiring those Moral Lessons to which 
 Eef erence was made earlier in the Chapter. 
 
 This Particular Dealer is one of those two- 
 horsepower Affairs that you occasionally see in 
 the Business. He does the Work all Right, but 
 he never seems to break any Records. He is one 
 of these Worldlings who never make a Failure 
 and never make a Success big enough to get 
 their Names in the Paper. Ordinarily when he 
 goes to a Ball Game he sits next to a Fat Man 
 who Fans himself with a Noon Edition and 
 makes Profane Remarks about the Weather and 
 the Shortstop. 
 
54 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 The other Day, however, when he went to the 
 Game, Chance set him down next to a Real Live 
 Philosopher, without Extra Charge. The Phi- 
 losopher had been a Player and had once been 
 in a Big League for 4 days, 11 hours and 17 min- 
 utes. He had Licked up Knowledge on the Play- 
 ers ' Bench, which is the only Place to learn Base- 
 ball. There are a lot of Promising Once Wases 
 studying the Game there Now. 
 
 The Philosopher was full of Knowledge and 
 he liked to work it off on the Helpless Bleach- 
 erites around him. He got his Cue when the 
 Visiting Left Fielder let a Ground Ball through 
 him after a Hard Run. "Back to the Sand 
 Lot!" yelled a man Down in Front. 
 
 "That's the Way," quoth the Philosopher. 
 "It's the man who Goes After 'em that Gits the 
 Merry Knock, while the Loafer who lets 'em go 
 by for Base Hits is solid with the Fans. But 
 notice this: The Lads who play Errorless Ball 
 never last long in Fast Company. It's the same 
 in the Game of Life. It's the lad who takes a 
 Chance at scooping a Line Drive or makes a 
 Run for a Pop-up who gets the Managers Fight- 
 ing for him, even if he makes an Error now and 
 then, and not the Man with the Fancy Fielding 
 Average. In Life, it's the Lad who makes a 
 Mistake now and then, and makes the Things 
 
EESAWED FABLES 55 
 
 that offset Mistakes, that Dame Fortune keeps 
 on her Claim List." 
 
 The Dealer began to wonder if he had been 
 Loafing on Hard Chances because he feared he 
 might get his Name in the Error Column. He 
 concluded he had. So he wrote down in his 
 Mental Notebook this: 
 
 Moral A Man never made a Home Run by 
 waiting for a Base on Balls. 
 
 Of the Wisdom of Keeping 
 Moving 
 
 A Person from the wild and wooly West, who 
 possessed a Chin Whisker that reminded all who 
 beheld it of Hogan's Goat more than anything 
 else, hit Chicago one Day and steered up to a 
 Place where they sell Saw Mills and other little 
 Trinkets like that. He said he wanted to buy 
 a Saw Mill and so the polite Floorwalker steered 
 him down to the Saw Mill Counter, otherwise 
 the Head Salesman's Desk. The H. S. asked 
 him just what kind of a Saw Mill Outfit he was 
 considering the advisability of purchasing and 
 the Man from loway reckoned that a portable 
 Saw Mill would satisfy his Wants about as well 
 as Anything. 
 
56 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 The Head Salesman tried to persuade him 
 that a portable Mill was n.g., but that if he de- 
 sired to purchase a Saw Mill Outfit for more 
 or less permanent location he could sell him a 
 line of Saw Mill Machinery that had taken three 
 Gold Medals at the Swedeburg (Neb.) World's 
 Fair. Oh, no, the Person did not want a port- 
 able Mill; what he wanted was one of the Cass 
 Tyrne Machine Company's regulation Outfits. 
 
 The Person from loway reckoned he knew 
 what he wanted and remarked that he didn't 
 need any sawed-off Sissy to tell him he wanted 
 Something else b' Gosh, nuther. He didn't have 
 the ready Money to pay for the Mill, he knew 
 that, but he had some little Cash he could pay 
 down and he guessed he would be good for the 
 Rest. There didn't have to be any Red-Nosed 
 Runt behind a 2x4 Desk in a 6x8 Office to indi- 
 cate to him what he wanted, b' Gosh, he said. 
 The Head Salesman heard his remarks and 
 thought that would retain him for the Space of 
 a few Moments. He did venture to remark that 
 he didn't see why it was so absolutely necessary 
 that the Saw Mill should be of the portable 
 Pattern, but if the loway Person wanted a port- 
 able a portable he should have. 
 
 The loway Person said that that was none of 
 the Head Salesman's blamed Business. He had 
 come to Chicago after a portable Saw Mill and 
 
EESAWED FABLES 57 
 
 a Portable Saw Mill he was goin' to git. Now, 
 the Cass Tyrne Machinery Company manufac- 
 tures a portable Mill that is a Beaut. It is so 
 readily transportable that there is a Burglar 
 Alarm on the Mud Drum to keep Somebody 
 from carrying it away. It did not take the 
 Stubby Head Salesman long to fit that loway 
 Person out with a portable Saw Mill when once 
 the loway Person had succeeded in impressing 
 it on his gigantic Intellect that it was a portable 
 Mill he was arter. The loway Person paid his 
 little Deposit and gave the Cass Tyrne Machine 
 Company his Note for the Rest at six Months. 
 
 After the loway Person had departed the 
 Head Salesman continued to wonder why it was 
 that he had been bound and determined to have 
 a portable Mill. After the Mill was shipped, 
 however, he ceased to wonder, because he had 
 other Things to wonder at. One never lacks for 
 Things to wonder at in Chicago. 
 
 He had quite forgotten the Iowa Person when 
 one Day the Secretary and Treasurer and Head 
 Bookkeeper of the Cass Tyrne Machine Com- 
 pany approached his Cell and asked if he remem- 
 bered selling a Party out in Iowa a portable Saw 
 Mill at six months. The Head Salesman did. 
 The Sec. and Treas. informed him that seven 
 months had now flown on the wings of Time and 
 the loway Person's Note was still unpaid. 
 
58 KESAWED FABLES 
 
 Tempus fugit and seemed likely to continue to 
 fugit, but the Coin came not. A Bank out that 
 way had returned the Note with thanks. 
 
 The Head Salesman had to make a Trip out to 
 Decorah anyway and he said he would make a 
 Side Trip and jar the Iowa Person up a little. 
 A Week later he was driving across Country to 
 where they said the loway Person had his Mill, 
 or rather the Cass Tyrne Machine Company's 
 mill. As he drove along he found that pretty 
 nearly Everybody in that Part of Iowa knew 
 the loway Person. He was famous. He was 
 celebrated. If there was Anybody in that Sec- 
 tion of the State that the loway Person didn't 
 owe, it was because he lived on a side Road and 
 out of the Path of Civilization. 
 
 The loway Person, when found, did not seem 
 in a Position or Mood to Hurry to pay. The 
 Head Salesman thought he would see if he 
 could infuse a little Enthusiasm into him on that 
 Subject. He went and saw a Lawyer and gave 
 him a Retainer which the Lawyer, needless 
 to say, Retained and armed the Sheriff with 
 enough Legal Documents to paper the Interior 
 of the Auditorium. He had discovered that the 
 Timber belonged to another Party and that the 
 Iowa Person was sawing by Contract and keep- 
 ing his Account with his Customer pretty well 
 
EESAWED FABLES 59 
 
 overdrawn all the time. There were some other 
 Things that he did not discover until later. 
 
 The Head Salesman said he would make one 
 more Effort and told the Sheriff to come out 
 there Saturday Morning and do his Duty. The 
 Head Salesman went out himself Friday p.m. 
 He Told the Iowa Person if he didn't produce 
 before Nightfall he would attach the whole 
 Works. He Sat up until 11:37 that Night wait- 
 ing for the Dough that never came. Then he 
 went to Bed and awaited the Coming of the 
 Sheriff. 
 
 They drove out to the Place together. The 
 Portable Saw Mill had been moved a hundred 
 Feet during the Night. "Do Your Duty," said 
 the Head Salesman. "Can't," said the Sheriff. 
 "Why Not?" asked the Head Salesman. "This 
 is the State Line there and that Saw Mill is now 
 in Minnesota." Then the Head Salesman knew 
 why the loway Person wanted a Portable Mill. 
 
 The Sheriff and the Head Salesman drove 
 back to Town. "What are you going to do?" 
 asked one of the Leading Citizens, who was 
 leading a Mule at the Time. "Go over into 
 Minnesota and start Proceedings over there." 
 "Don't you do it," said the Leading Citizen, 
 "Please Don't Do It; he might move back. You 
 leave these Papers with our Sheriff and we'll 
 make up a Purse and pay you for your Mill." 
 
60 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Moral The World admires Energy; the Man 
 who keeps Moving often finds People willing 
 and anxious to help him along. 
 
 Of Talking Out in Meeting 
 
 In a City of about 202,718 Population, or 
 possibly 202,719, there was a man who made 
 Something of a Success of the Wholesale Lum- 
 ber Business. In Consequence he had his Pic- 
 ture printed in a Book containing the Bitter 
 Past of the Main People of Minnesota, and his 
 Name had been mentioned in connection with 
 Congress, although never when Congress was 
 Around. His Beginning was comparatively 
 Humble. When he started in his Equipment 
 consisted of a Rolltop Desk, a Stenographer, 
 who was willing to wait for her Money as long as 
 she could tell her Friends she had a Job, and an 
 Office up a back Stairway in a Building on a 
 back Street that was called an Office Building 
 because it was never heated in Winter. His 
 Capital amounted to $857.39 and a Faculty for 
 hypnotizing Mill Men into believing that he was 
 one of the largest Operators in Minnesota. As 
 he weighed around 239 there may have been 
 
EESAWED FABLES 61 
 
 some Truth in this. Most Lumbermen are too 
 busy getting wealthy to take the Time to get fat. 
 
 Fortune smiled on this Man like a Soubrette 
 and ere many Years he had built up a Wholesale 
 Business and a row of Correspondence Files that 
 were the Envy of every Man who dropped 
 around his Way who was suffering with a Desire 
 to butt into the Wholesale Lumber Trade. It 
 could not be expected that the People who Got 
 Next to his Prosperity were going to Let 
 his Business get stale because of a Lack of 
 Competition. 
 
 One Day a Gazaboo with a Suit of Soprano 
 Clothes and a Shrill Necktie wandered into his 
 Place and told him he wanted to write the 
 Wholesaler up for a Book entitled: "How the 
 Well-Bred People Made Their Dough." He 
 acquired some Minute Details on the Method by 
 which the Wholesaler had got his Start and how 
 he had been able to keep up the Pace. These 
 things he wrote down in a Red Morocco Note 
 Book just like a regular Literary Man wouldn't. 
 
 In about a Fortnight the Guy with the Red 
 Morocco Notebook and the Vociferous Necktie 
 blossomed out with a Rival Wholesale Lumber 
 Business that was going to sweep the Other 
 Fellow off the Earth. He began cutting into 
 the Other Fellow's Trade, or at least making a 
 Noble Stab at it. About a Week Later he 
 
62 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 thought it would be a Good Idea to send an 
 Emissary around to see how the Other Fellow 
 was Taking it. There is always Somebody 
 standing around willing to do a Job of this 
 Kind, and that is what makes Good People lone- 
 some. The Trusted Emissary happened around 
 to the Other Fellow's Yard one Day. That is 
 the Way he explained it. 
 
 "I just Happened around," said the Emissary 
 to the Wholesale Man. 
 
 "A Man can never Tell," replied the Whole- 
 sale Man, "what is Going to Happen." 
 
 This reply staggered Humanity, at least that 
 Part of it represented by the Trusted Emissary. 
 However, he and the Wholesale Man were soon 
 on quite Friendly Terms. Finally the Trusted 
 Emissary hitched his Chair up to the Confiden- 
 tial distance of 2 feet and 3 inches and, lowering 
 his Voice about the Same Distance, inquired: 
 
 "Now, between You and Me it won't go any 
 Further what's your Opinion of this New 
 Wholesaler and what are his Chances of 
 Success?" 
 
 "I'll tell you," said the Wholesaler, "and you 
 needn't make any Secret of it You can go tell 
 Him if you want to. I don't think his Chances 
 are very Good. I know he's a crook and I know 
 he's a Liar." 
 
 This Surprised the Trusted Emissary Some- 
 
EESAWED FABLES 63 
 
 what by its Bluntness; but not so much as the 
 Reply of the New Wholesale Man when it was 
 conveyed to him. 
 
 "Well," quoth that Worthy Gentleman, "I 
 guess I'll have to Bunch it. If he had Lied 
 about me behind my Back I would have Stood 
 some Show; but darn the Man who Talks Right 
 out in Meeting." 
 
 Moral Nothing is so Inexplicable to a Liar as 
 the Truth. 
 
 Of Getting an Audience 
 
 A man who showed no other Symptoms of 
 Insanity once became inoculated with the Idea 
 that he would be a Big Hit on the Lecture Plat- 
 formt He thought he could make Burton 
 Holmes and Richmond Pearson Hobson and 
 Jasper E. Brady look like a lot of Jayhawkers 
 from the Tall and Uncut. He dreamed Visions 
 of one night Stands and packed Houses and 
 palatial Hotels and long stenographic Reports 
 in the Newspapers, accompanied by Halftones. 
 He believed he had it in him to move vast Con- 
 courses, to move the Young, the Old, the Senti- 
 mental, the Prosaic in fact, to do a general 
 Moving Business. He believed he could make 
 
64 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Demosthenes go 'way back, and cause Bill Bryan 
 to go and get a Rep. 
 
 An equally irresponsible Lecture Bureau, 
 whose Ideals were so high they occupied the 
 Back Room of the Top Floor of a Minneapolis 
 Skyscraper, booked the Lecturer for a Tour 
 around the Country, agreeing to give him 40 
 percent of the Gross and taking 20 itself. Then 
 the Orator went home and wrote a Few Lectures 
 so as to have a Rip-or-tore. After February 1 
 he turned himself loose on the Startled World. 
 In the Days of the Ancients, when the Banks of 
 the Nile were Pharaoh Banks and the Panama 
 Canal had just been started, there were Sooth- 
 sayers who used to make as much as $13.75 a 
 week interpreting Dreams. They could take a 
 Hungarian Goulash or Welsh Rarebit Dream 
 and interpret it into fairly readable English. 
 In this modern Day the Great Dream interpreter 
 is Experience. 
 
 The Lecturer had not been long En Tour be- 
 fore cold, hard Experience began to interpret his 
 Dreams of packed Houses, palatial Hotels etc. 
 He found an Audience was as hard to get at 
 Oshkosh as at the Court of St. James. The Spec- 
 tators used to take Pity on him and come down 
 and sit in one Row so as to keep him Company. 
 For two Weeks he had a Lonesome Time, never 
 seeing a Human Face. He saw nothing but 
 
EESAWED FABLES 65 
 
 Hotel Clerks and Stage Hands. The Hotels were 
 palatial all right; but the Palace they resembled 
 was the old Montreal Ice Palace. Only one 
 newspaper had the Nerve to print his Cut and 
 that was what Shakespeare called "the most 
 unkindest Cut of All." Shakespeare may have 
 been grammatically Bum when he penned that 
 Line but his prophetic Soul sized up the 
 American Cartoonist Centuries before John 
 McCutcheon was born. Thanks to a Combina- 
 tion of Cheap Print and summer Ink, this Cut 
 of the Lecturer indicated he had just broken out 
 with the Measles or from Jail 
 
 Fortunately for the Lecturer, he had a Friend 
 in the Eetail Lumber Business up in the Twin 
 Cities and he sent him enough Money to get 
 Home to the Wheat State. These two Men had 
 a Way of talking to each Other as plain as Print 
 in a Primer. 
 
 "I've been watching your Mad Career," said 
 the Lumberman, after they had gripped, "and 
 I'll tell you what was the Matter with your 
 Lectures. It wasn't because you wern't elo- 
 quent, for you were; it wasn't because your Shirt 
 Front wouldn't keep Inside your low-necked 
 Vest, for it did. The Trouble was this: You 
 lectured to the Wrong People. When you spoke 
 at the Banquet of the Captains of Industry it 
 was on * Living on Ten Dollars a Week.' To the 
 
66 KESAWED FABLES 
 
 Ladies' Bridge Club you Talked on 'The Art of 
 Bread Making.' You never had an Audience 
 that was likely to be Interested in what you 
 talked About." 
 
 The Lecturer had Picked up a Paper. 
 
 " How's Business?" he asked. 
 
 "None too good," replied the Lumberman. 
 
 "Why don't you Advertise?" 
 
 "I do; but it doesn't seem to do any Good." 
 
 "Want to Know Why?" 
 
 "Don't I spend Enough?" 
 
 "Too much; but you don't reach the Right 
 People. Here's your Ad in a Paper that Don't 
 Reach Anybody but Women looking for Millin- 
 ery Bargains. Why don't you Advertise in some 
 Paper that hits the Folks who Build Houses? 
 Seems to Me that other People have been Talk- 
 ing to the Wrong Audience." 
 
 This fable has both a Moral and a Sequel. The 
 Sequel is that the Lumber Dealer is doing one 
 of the nicest Businesses done in Minnesota and 
 the Lecturer is making Money as his and other 
 Men's Advertising Specialist. The following is 
 the 
 
 Moral Advertising is like a Seance; you 
 can't materialize the Right Spirit with the 
 Wrong Medium. 
 
RESAWED FABLES 67 
 
 Of Taking a Few Days Off 
 
 Once upon a Time there was a Mill Man who 
 was so busy that he used to Yearn for a Leap 
 Year so that he could get in an extra Day's 
 Work. He was as busy as a Man from Straw- 
 berry Point, Iowa, dodging street Cars and Gold 
 Brick Retailers on State street or a Coal Baron 
 making Excuses at the Pearly Gates. Old Rand 
 McNally, whom we read about in Mythology as 
 being the Chap who carried the World around 
 on his Shoulders, had a Cinch when considered 
 beside this Busy Individual, who toted around 
 a Saw Mill and a few Office Fixtures, a hundred 
 thousand acres of pine Land and a Bad Diges- 
 tion. This Mill Man was so busy that when he 
 ate he shoveled his Grub in like a Man feeding 
 Cedar Sawdust to a Furnace. His Wife had to 
 use Force to get him to eat Breakfast and at 
 Noon he lunched on Mince Pie and Buttermilk, 
 washed down with Coffee as strong as a Rag- 
 time Singer at a Stag Party. He dined on 
 Roast Beef served with Walnut Quotations and 
 Turnip Salad, garnished with the Poplar 
 Outlook. 
 
 When Christmas Day came bumping along 
 this Busy Man had at least to run down and 
 open his Mail, and it took him so Long he had to 
 
68 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 eat a Christmas Dinner made up of Cold Turkey 
 and wobbly Cranberry Jelly. It was the Same 
 at New Year's. When Washington's Birthday 
 fell on Sunday the Industrious Individual 
 laughed a Fiendish Laugh because that meant no 
 Loss of Time. Most People took Monday off to 
 make up for it, but not the Busy Boy. This 
 fateful Monday he made his usual Suicidal 
 Lunch and that Night he dreamed a Dream. Do 
 you Wonder? 
 
 He Meandered through Dreamland and he met 
 a Jolly Little Man. 
 
 "Who are You?" he asked of the Humorous 
 Little Personage. 
 
 "I am Death." 
 
 "But I thought Death a Skeleton." 
 
 "Once I was, but Busy People have made me 
 Fat." 
 
 "What are You doing with the Book and 
 Pen?" 
 
 "I am taking a Few Days Off." 
 
 "No, you are working." 
 
 "Oh, they're not my Days I am taking Off. 
 They're yours." 
 
 "How's that?" 
 
 "Did you take a Day Off Christmas Day?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "New Year's?" 
 
 "N-no." 
 
EESAWED FABLES 69 
 
 "I did." 
 
 < ' What do you Mean?" 
 
 " Every time you have failed to take a Day 
 off during your Life I have taken a Few Off the 
 End of your Life." 
 
 "Then I'm nothing ahead?" 
 
 "Nothing, according to my Bookkeeping 
 and I'm a Pretty Fair Bookkeeper." 
 
 Then the Busy Man woke up. 
 
 Moral No man can rob Himself and not be 
 a Loser. 
 
 Of the Point of View 
 
 There lingered in Montana some Years back 
 a Saw Mill Man who had a Backbone like a 
 Piece of Spring Steel. Whenever he Took a 
 Position he held on to it like a Politician fastens 
 his Hooks into a Job. Once he got an Idea 
 wedged into his Brain, it was as hard to get 
 Out as the Republican Vote on a Rainy Day. 
 Every Idea grows more or less after it gets a 
 start; but an Idea in this Man's Think Tank 
 took such Root that it couldn't have been 
 combed out with a Stump Puller. 
 
 This Man had put $21,000 and Ten of the best 
 Years of his Life into this Saw Mill, and this had 
 given him the crazy Idea he Owned it. Foolish 
 
70 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Man. When some well-meaning Individual hap- 
 pened around and offered to Show this Montana 
 Saw Mill Man how to run his Mill the Saw Mill 
 Man told him to Run Along. 
 
 He was about the Poorest market for advice in 
 the State. Anybody who tried to Hypnotize him 
 would have to Pull Chloroform and a Club on 
 him to do it. Every time he told an Advisory 
 Committee to go chase Itself the Town called it 
 another Sample of the Saw Mill Man's Obstinacy 
 and Stubbornness. 
 
 One day, nevertheless, they elected this man 
 Mayor of the Town. This entitled him to 300 
 Simoleons a Year and a Pass to the Local Thea- 
 ter. It is pretty hard for a Man to run a Saw 
 Mill and a Town at the same Time. (The Lum- 
 bermen who have tried it will Please not 
 "Amen" so Loudly.) One mellow Spring an 
 Electric -Railway Company got the Impression 
 it was going to lay a Track and String a few 
 Dozen Wires down the Street without giving any 
 Assurances that it would Observe the Rights of 
 the Common People. When it couldn't get the 
 Council's Permission it got Gay and began lay- 
 ing Rails with the Enthusiasm and Cheerfulness 
 of a Bridegroom putting down his first Carpet. 
 The Mayor tried an Injunction first and, when 
 that didn't work, he took an Ax. The local 
 Paper wrote several long Columns about his 
 
EESAWED FABLES 71 
 
 " Fixedness of Purpose" and " Unyielding De- 
 termination " and People slapped him on the 
 Back. 
 
 Moral Human Virtues, as Judged by Human 
 Minds, are largely a Question of the Point of 
 View. 
 
 Of Letting Loose 
 
 This is the Time of Year when a Man with a 
 thousand Dollar Salary turns himself Loose and 
 spends Coin like a Millionaire trying to Make 
 Good at the Press Club. The Christmas Feeling 
 is in the Air and the Boulevards of every Burg 
 from New York, N. Y., to Shillabah, Ore., are 
 congested with People out Buying for Other 
 People Things that the other People don't Want. 
 It is a Game without a Limit or a Thought of 
 Consequences. A Thrifty young Man may start 
 out with a Twenty in his Clothes, intending to 
 buy his Best Girl a seventy-five Cent Purse, and 
 come Home owing the Jeweler Money. 
 
 For Some People this is a Good Thing, for, if 
 it were not for the Merry Christmas Season, 
 their Poor Relations would never know they 
 were Living. Then is the Time they Loosen; 
 and in Consequence the Nephew in Central Lake, 
 Mich., or the Maiden Aunt in Harveyville, Kan., 
 
72 BESAWED FABLES 
 
 gets Some Ormolu Truck, and the Other Mem- 
 bers of the Family are likewise Eemembered. 
 Many a Man would Pass in his Checks from 
 Contraction of the Heart were it not that he 
 Passed Out his Checks to his Poor Relations at 
 Christmas. As the Lifer Remarked when he 
 shinned down a Bedquilt, it's a Good Thing for 
 People to let themselves Out once in a while. 
 
 Once upon a Time there was one Crusty old 
 Bachelor Tallyman only One. Bachelors in 
 Stories are always Old and always Crusty 
 Crusty, perhaps, because they Partake of so 
 much indigestible Boarding House Pie. Any 
 Man who has ever dragged in his Trunk and 
 dragged out his Existence in a Boarding House 
 knows that there is Nothing so Durable as Piq,. 
 Often a gray haired Old Boarder will be handed 
 a Piece of Pie that is just like Mother used to 
 make so much so, in Fact, that he is Inclined 
 to believe it is some she did make, though the 
 Good Soul has been gone these Forty Years. 
 
 Living on a Diet composed largely of this 
 Three-Ply Pie Crust, the Old Bachelor ap- 
 proached Christmas with no Thrill of Joy. He 
 saw the Advertisements in the Newspapers, the 
 Decorations in the Windows, the Increased At- 
 tendance in the Sunday Schools, and Other In- 
 fallible Signs of the Christmas Season, but he 
 said he wasn't going to buy Anything for Any- 
 
EESAWED FABLES 73 
 
 body because he Knew nobody was going to buy 
 Anything for him. Let 'em have their Christ- 
 mas and he'd have his. They were a Pack of 
 Fools anyhow for Blowing in their Money for a 
 Lot of Trash that would do Good to Nobody but 
 the Man who sold it at 90 percent Profit. The 
 Shysters wouldn't get any of his Money. 
 
 It was soliloquizing somewhat in this Fashion 
 that he Set out a few evenings before Christmas 
 to buy himself a Cigar. The Snow was blowing 
 around like a second Kate Prize Fighter and the 
 Steam was freezing on the Hateful Windows 
 with their Displays of Christmas Trash. Beat- 
 ing his Way against the Wind and Turning and 
 Tacking like a man laying a Stair Carpet, in 
 Front of a Toy Shop he fell over the Small Fig- 
 ure of a Boy crouched on the Sidewalk. He 
 stumbled into a recently formed Snow Drift and 
 the Fall did not much Improve his Temper. 
 
 He arose and Brushed the Snow from his 
 Clothes. Then he seized the Youngster by the 
 Arm and inquired: 
 
 "What do you Mean by Getting in People's 
 Way? Come, out with it!" 
 
 "You see, Mister," said the boy, beginning to 
 Weep, "there's a fine Soldier in the Window 
 there and ev'ry Night I come up here and bid 
 him Goodbye. I'm Allus afraid Someone may 
 have bought him and carried him Away, Well, 
 
74 KESAWED FABLES 
 
 Tonight the Window was all Frosty an' I 
 thought if I held my Cheek against it maybe the 
 Frost would Melt so I could see if he was There. 
 An' then you Fell over me. So I don't know 
 whether he's There or not, but I guess he is, 
 'cause I guess there ain't nobody Likely to Buy 
 him. You see my Sister told me that the Store 
 man wanted a Dollar for him. I'll go home now, 
 but I wish I could say Goodnight to the Soldier 
 before I go. But the Window's too frosty." 
 
 Then a Remarkable Thing happened to the 
 Crusty Old Bachelor Tallyman. He dragged the 
 Frightened Boy into that Toy Store. What if 
 the Gay Soldier had been Sold? The more he 
 thought about it the More he hurried, pulling 
 the Boy off his Feet. A Clerk came up and asked 
 him if he was being Waited on, when he Knew 
 Perfectly well he Wasn 't. The Tallyman didn 't 
 know how to ask for what he Wanted. Then an 
 Idea struck him and he held the Boy up so he 
 could Look into the Window. 
 
 " There he is," cried the Boy in Glee. " No- 
 body ain't Bought him. Goodnight, Soldier. 
 Now, Mister, I'll go Home." 
 
 A Minute Later the Crusty Old Bachelor 
 found himself throwing his Money away on a 
 Lot of Christmas Trash. First of all was the 
 Soldier and then some Dolls for the two Little 
 
EESAWED FABLES 75 
 
 Sisters the Boy said he had, and Candy for the 
 Whole Family. 
 
 It was some Time before the Crusty Old Tally- 
 man reached the Cigar Store, but when he did he 
 bought himself a Box. He hadn't Felt so Well 
 in Ten Years. 
 
 Moral A Man ought to be Thankful for Little 
 Children if for no Other Reason than that it is so 
 Easy to make them Happy. 
 
 Of Swinging Back 
 
 Fame is one of the queerest Things in the 
 World. Men have shot the Whirlpool Eapids 
 or their Neighbors in Hopes of acquiring it, but 
 Fame has Given them only the Icy Stare; but 
 Small Boys have waved Bed Flannel Shirts in 
 Front of Trains going to their Doom, or Abilene, 
 Kan., or some other Place, and acquired Fame 
 without Effort or Premeditation. From all of 
 which it must not necessarily be Drawn that a 
 Red Flannel Shirt is better than Endeavor in 
 getting Famous, any more than a Four Flush is 
 better than an Ace Full just because it gives 
 Excuse for a successful Bluff a little Less Often 
 than Once in a While. 
 
 There is a Lumber Dealer in St. Louis who 
 
76 BESAWED FABLES 
 
 has acquired Fame among his Brethren all at 
 Once, although he did not go into the Highways 
 and Byways and look for it or walk about with a 
 Lightning Rod concealed along his Spinal Col- 
 umn, hoping it would strike him. That kind of 
 Effort never seems to pay any Dividends. The 
 Writer has been going around with his Light- 
 ning Eod up for, oh, these Many Years, but when 
 he buys a Meal Ticket at the Bismarck the Girl 
 still asks him how he Spells his name. Fame is 
 about as Skittish as a Three- Year-Old, and about 
 as apt to run away after you think you have it 
 safely Broken to Harness. 
 
 This St. Louis wholesaler is not One of the 
 5,799 St. Louisians who first conceived the Idea 
 of a Louisiana Purchase Exposition. Neither 
 did he ever wave any Eed Flannel Shirts in 
 Front of any Cattle Trains. Fame came to him 
 like a Summer Sigh. He did not go out looking 
 for Fame; instead, when he went forth Fame 
 appeared to be looking for him, like a Loose 
 Sign over a Doorway that never lets go until it 
 can Soak on the Head someone who is Passing 
 Out. 
 
 A few Days after New Year's there was a 
 Sound in St. Louis like the Popping of ten mil- 
 lion Firecrackers. The noise was produced by 
 People all over St. Louis who were Breaking 
 Eesolutions. It was a gay yet mournful Sound 
 
EESAWED FABLES 77 
 
 to hear Resolutions that in December looked so 
 Strong and Healthy, breaking down like an 
 Aunt at a Wedding, the first week in January. 
 It was in such a Night, as Shakespeare would 
 have said if he had written this, that the Lum- 
 berman went forth. 
 
 It was the Hotel Clerk who said it. 
 
 "Have you seen 'em?" he asked. 
 
 "Who?" asked the Lumberman, meaning 
 whom. 
 
 "The Bunch," answered the Man with the Pen 
 on his ear and Inkspots on his Manly Bosom. 
 
 Now the Bunch were all known to the Lumber- 
 man. 
 
 "Why?" he asked. 
 
 "You deserve a Medal," said the Clerk. 
 "You're the only One of the Gang that isn't out 
 Breaking his New Year's Resolutions." 
 
 "So?" said the Man of Boards. 
 
 The Clerk looked at him Admiringly. 
 
 "Tell me," he asked, "How did you Manage 
 to do it?" 
 
 "Hist," replied the Lumberman, leaning over 
 the Desk, "I'll put you Next: I never made 
 Any." 
 
 Moral Many a New Year's Resolution is only 
 a Pendulum in Disguise. 
 
78 RESAWED FABLES 
 
 Of the Gentle Game of Golf 
 
 When Handel Bords was a Wee Urchin who 
 had Urched only Seven Summers, his Governor, 
 that is his Old Man, that is his Dad, that is his 
 Father, called him into his Private Office in the 
 Blacksmith Shop and imparted to him a few 
 Wads of Wisdom. 
 
 "Handel," chirped the Old Man, "You are 
 named for a Great Man and I don't want to see 
 you Go Wrong. This Gazabo for whom your 
 Mother named you was the lightweight Cham- 
 pion of the Ivory Keys. There was never but 
 one man in the Business in later years who Could 
 Put it Over Him, and that was Wagner, the 
 Heavyweight. Wagner had more Steam, but he 
 wasn't a bit shiftier than Han was when he 
 hooked up for Twenty Rounds with the Piano- 
 forte." 
 
 "Yes, papa." 
 
 "Being named after two great men like Han- 
 del and Me, it is up to you to follow the brilliant 
 Example we have made for you. Your Old Dad 
 may be Called Away at Any Time. No, my son, 
 not by the Sheriff. Before I go, I would impart 
 some Counsel. 
 
 "This it is never play Another Man's Game. 
 Did Wellington accept Napoleon's offer to Eoll 
 
EESAWED FABLES 79 
 
 the Bones at Waterloo? No, sir and he got 
 Boots named after him. Did Caesar ever Settle 
 a Battle with Ping-Pong? No, sir and Shake- 
 speare Wrote a Play about him. If you would 
 learn a new game, learn it from the Editor of 
 the Village Weekly, so the money will go for a 
 Good Cause." 
 
 As the boy grew to the Age of Wisdom and 
 a Fuzzy Chin he remembered his Father's words 
 long, long after the Sheriff arrived. He side- 
 stepped Poker, he Only Flirted with Bridge, and 
 he told people that Pit was Wicked. He never 
 Indicated the Elusive Pea under the Shell, nor 
 did he become a depositor in a Faro Bank. As a 
 result, Handel was Variously Accounted a Per- 
 fectly Lovely Man or a Dead One, according to 
 the Point of View. 
 
 But one day along about June 27 a. m. one 
 Bob Knox aforethought invited Handel Bords 
 to make the Morning Eound at the Golf Tourna- 
 ment, in order to get limbered up for the After- 
 noon Play. Handel told Bob he wasn't Taking 
 a Thing. Then Bob explained that he wanted 
 him to Play Golf, Golf, don't you understand? 
 Golf! 
 
 Handel Bords, not wishing to show his Ignor- 
 ance, which Inventoried Large, accepted the 
 Invitation and a Bunch of Walking Canes with 
 deadly looking hammers on the ends. Not 
 
80 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 knowing that it was Necessary to have a Boy 
 to do the Heavy Work, he Hoisted it Himself. 
 
 Then Bob placed a small white Globule on 
 top of a Mud Pile and told Handel to Soak it. 
 No, gentle reader, Handel did not Miss it. He 
 Soaked it 165 yards, made the first hole in bogey, 
 and beat Bob 5 up and 4 to play. 
 
 Moral The youngster who Believes all the 
 Old Man says Misses a lot of the Good Things 
 of Life. The Game that Beat the Old Man may 
 be the Young Man's Meat. 
 
 Of Silence That Isn't So Golden 
 
 The Man was Locoed on the Subject of Doing 
 Business in a Business Way. He believed in 
 System. He talked System in his sleep. Life 
 to him was one grand Card Index. The reason 
 was, perhaps, that he had a nervous System 
 himself that was geared up to 60 Miles per hr. 
 By close attention to Righteous Precepts and 
 Vertical Filing Cabinets he had built up a Large 
 and Lucrative Lumber Practice. He ran a local 
 Retail Lumber Emporium and did a consider- 
 able business in Piece Stuff and Such. He made 
 some of the Rhino in this Wise; and he attrib- 
 uted his Success to the Business way in which 
 
EESAWED FABLES 81 
 
 his Business was run. It might also be men- 
 tioned that he attributed the Business Way to 
 himself. 
 
 This man had certain rules which he had had 
 printed on White Wedding Bristol with a Ked 
 Border. These were pasted in Conspicuous 
 Places about the office. A free Translation of 
 a few of these Epigrammatic Efforts will be 
 about as follows, to-wit: 
 
 NEVER SPEAK UNTIL SPOKEN TO AND SOME- 
 TIMES NOT THEN. 
 
 A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH, IF 
 
 NOT TOO SOFT; BUT IT ALSO 
 
 TAKETH TIME. 
 
 HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER BUT 
 NOT A STRANGER'S CHECKS. 
 
 TO ERR IS HUMAN; BLESSED ARE THE 
 INHUMAN. 
 
 YOU CAN WIN BY PERSEVERANCE; BUT YOU 
 MAY LOSE BY STUBBORNNESS. 
 
 The Systematic man allowed these were 
 Pretty Nifty; he thought also that they ought 
 to be, seeing that he had written them Himself, 
 with the Accent on the Himself. He was par- 
 ticularly struck with that top one, which he had 
 suspended over 'the Office Boy's cell. 
 
 Office Boys, as a Rule, are too Stingy with 
 
82 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Silence. They are always chewing gum or lan- 
 guage. Of course you will Immediately show 
 these lines to your office Boy, so a few remarks 
 will be injected for his Benefit. Unfortunately 
 when they tell Things about you outside the 
 Office they tell the Truth. The head Bookkeeper 
 jollies you along with something Different. The 
 head Bookkeeper is looking for Advancement. 
 The office boy isn't looking for Advancement 
 he Expects it. 
 
 This boy read the Handwriting on the Wall 
 and was Wise. It said, " Never Speak until Spo- 
 ken to and Sometimes Not then." There had 
 been other Boys before him. They held neither 
 their Tongues nor their Jobs. This boy was 
 Pointed out by the Man as a Model, just as the 
 Sign was a Model Sign. 
 
 One day the Systematic Man heard a 4-11, or 
 thought he did. 
 
 "Willie," he said, "Go out and see if there 
 ain't a Fire." 
 
 Willie went out as per Instructions. In a few 
 Minutes he returned and began worrying the 
 Office Cat some more. Once he started suddenly; 
 then his eyes fell on the Sign, and he remem- 
 bered his Job. 
 
 Five minutes later the Systematic Man in- 
 quired: 
 
 "Well, is there a Fire?" 
 
EESAWED FABLES 83 
 
 "Yes, sir," replied the boy, as succinctly as 
 Possible. 
 
 Ten minutes passed. Then the Boss turned 
 in his Swivel chair again. 
 
 "What is it?" he asked of the Office Boy, 
 casually. 
 
 "Your East Yard." 
 
 Moral Plain Common Sense is a Safer Bet 
 than a Hand-Painted Motto. 
 
 Of What Rip Saw 
 
 He owned Eighty Acres of Blonde Sand up in 
 Roscommon county and he Thought that this 
 Forest Reserve Foolishness was Trespassing on 
 the Rights of Free-Born Citizens. When the 
 Forestry Commission ran Fire Lines and did 
 a few other Nonsensical Things on the Eighty 
 next to him and the 160 acres across the Road, 
 he thought that the Free-Born Citizens afore- 
 said should Rise Up in arms and Chase the Rude 
 Invaders back to the State Capitol. His neigh- 
 bors thought Likewise, but somehow they didn't 
 Rise. There must have been something the 
 matter with the Yeast. 
 
 This man's Eighty had Once been covered with 
 Oak, but it had been Cleaned off by the Lumber- 
 
84 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 men. The Oak, however, did not act Mean about 
 It. After the Lumbermen had Cut it down Close 
 and left it looking like a Shingled Poodle, the 
 Life of the Oak was still There; and it Sprang 
 up Anew like the Phoenix bird or the Alderman 
 from the Sixth. 
 
 However, the Free-Born Citizen saw to that. 
 He had only about Thirty acres under Cultiva- 
 tion, but he ran Fire through the Other Fifty 
 and Turned Sheep and Sunday school Picnics 
 and other Destructive Forces Loose in it to keep 
 the Oak from getting too firm a Hold. He said 
 he didn't want to have to Clear that Eighty 
 Twice. 
 
 One day this man fell into a Trance. There 
 had been a Suspicion ever since be began Buck- 
 ing the Forestry Commission that he was Walk- 
 ing in his Sleep. The Neighbors who discovered 
 him in a Trance sent for a Doctor, who gave him 
 stuff to make him Wake up, but he only Turned 
 over on the other Side and Snored in an exas- 
 perating Basso Profundo manner. 
 
 This Eip Van Winkle II had the original Rip 
 beaten a block. The Detroit newspaper boys got 
 wind of it and they worked the Sleeping Beauty 
 of Roscommon county for all he was worth. The 
 Probate Court of Roscommon also Worked Over- 
 time. Someone had to look after Rip II 's affairs. 
 When the Doctor couldn't do anything, the 
 
EESAWED FABLES 85 
 
 Neighbors sent for the Coroner, but he Said he 
 Couldn't Do Anything, either. They wanted 
 him to hold an Inquest, but he declined to hold 
 an Inquest on a Man who was Still Alive. They 
 had found $133.17 in the Man's Bunk and it was 
 Finally decided to turn this over to the Probate 
 Court after the Sheriff had refused to Interfere. 
 The Sheriff said he Wasn't going to make him- 
 self Liable by Arresting the man. He said it 
 was no Crime to Fall Asleep. 
 
 The Probate Judge was up a Stump. It isn't 
 hard to get up a Stump in Roscommon county, 
 for there are plenty of them. He couldn't enter 
 the case as " Deceased" or " Insane" or any- 
 thing like that. Finally he entered the man as 
 " Asleep" and appointed a Guardian for him. 
 The Guardian kept the Taxes paid up and went 
 around every 22nd of September to see if the 
 Man had come to. 
 
 Meanwhile the Forestry Commission was 
 Busily at work. The Commission was not asleep, 
 if its neighbor was. It encouraged Reseeding 
 on its land, watched for Fires, and gave Mother 
 Nature all the Encouragement that was Proper. 
 
 One day, after the Expiration of the Cus- 
 tomary One Hundred years, the Rip Van Winkle 
 of Roscommon county dreamed that England 
 had Lifted the Cup. Then he Woke up. 
 
86 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 The Oak Timber on his Fifty uncultivated 
 Acres brought him $33,711.99 at the Mill. 
 
 Moral If you want to know how Mother 
 Nature stands on the Question of Reforestation, 
 just leave her alone a Few Years. 
 
 Of Bow Ling Ali and the Man 
 with the Stump Puller 
 
 Bow Ling Ali was Shaykh of the village of 
 Hi Bal, an Oasis in the desert half way between 
 Dri Nek and Par Esis. Over such of his Depend- 
 ents as had not already sailed for Pittsburg to 
 sell Plaster of Paris Images he ruled with a firm, 
 almost a corporation, hand. These inhabitants 
 of the Skin-tent village were wont to call him 
 the All- Wise. In the evenings they would Coagu- 
 late near his tent door and sing a Serenade: 
 
 All- Wise, All-Wise, we will love you always; 
 
 Do not fear our love is true, 
 
 For we live alone on you. 
 All- Wise, All-Wise, we will love you always; 
 
 Love like ours is always true 
 And it lives always, All-Wise. 
 
 This song (B. C. 617) is still sung in America, 
 in an Aggravated form. 
 
RESAWED FABLES 87 
 
 Being the only Visible means of Support that 
 numerous of the villagers possessed, Shaykh 
 Bow Ling Ali was considerable of a Poo-Bah; 
 for the people responded by Handing him all 
 the Public Offices to which no Salary was at- 
 tached. One of these Jobs was that of Chief 
 Magistrate. As there was no appeal from his 
 Decisions, he exercised all the power of an abso- 
 lute monarch. If he called a man Safe at Second 
 the man was safe, even if he was seven feet off 
 the Bag. The very Finality of his judgment 
 gave him a Eep for being a wise Gazabo. 
 
 One day there blew into the Village a man 
 from Chicago who was selling Stump Pullers. 
 He said this Stump Puller would raise anything 
 in the tented village and he gave a Demonstra- 
 tion by pulling up a number of Date Palms. 
 These Date Palms were large Palms under which 
 the village maidens of three Generations had 
 kept their Dates. 
 
 Now when the American in Ten Minutes lifted 
 out a date palm that had been a Hundred Years 
 in getting a Good Hold the villagers began to 
 feel that a Wise One had come along and that 
 he would make Bow Ling Ali look like a plate 
 of Ice Cream in the Business part of a Blast 
 Furnace. 
 
 This rumor came to Bow Ling Ali and he 
 caused the man from Chicago to be brought be- 
 
88 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 fore him. The Shaykh received him, seated on a 
 magnificent Oriental Rug for which he had paid 
 $19.98 at a Fire Sale. 
 
 "Milk-strained skinner, or rather milk- 
 skinned stranger," the Shaykh began, "thou 
 hast a machine which will lift Anything?" 
 
 "That I have, coffee-colored Caliph." 
 
 "We shall See." 
 
 Whereupon the Shaykh caused a great iron- 
 bound stake to be brought and twenty men were 
 employed for Half an Hour to drive it into the 
 Earth. But the Yankee with the Business for 
 Pulling the Teeth out of the Face of Nature 
 yanked the Stake out in a minute and sixteen 
 seconds. 
 
 At this the populace wondered; and it looked 
 like the Yankee had Made a few Votes. 
 
 "There is one more Test," said Bow Ling All, 
 the All- Wise, "and if you fail in this you may 
 have your Choice of being Boiled in Oil or being 
 Elocuted by one of our female Elocutionists; 
 either, I think, thou wilt find sufficiently Hor- 
 rible. If your iron demon will lift Anything, 
 cause it to lift the Mortgage off the Eoyal 
 Tomb." 
 
 This was where the man from Chicago got 
 off and panted for breath. But they slung him 
 into a Dark and Dismal Dungeon and sent for 
 the Elocutionist. Twenty minutes after the 
 
EESAWED FABLES 89 
 
 Arrival of the Elocutionist the Shaykh sent word 
 to the machinery salesman that if his Machine 
 could Raise $200 all would be forgiven and he 
 could Move On. 
 
 The stranger had $127.23 and they Compro- 
 mised. In the Village of Hi Bal Confidence was 
 Restored. 
 
 Moral Many a man thinks he has a Pull 
 that is a Cinch until he Really has to Pull 
 Something. 
 
 Of Seeing the World 
 
 Dame Fortune and the Chicago & North- 
 Western railway once brought two Families 
 into a small Jerkwater Town at about the same 
 Time. The Town was so small that a Man going 
 Home from Lodge had to step carefully in order 
 to keep within the Village Limits. The Town 
 was so small, in fact, that, although the name 
 of one Family was Smith and that of the other 
 Jones, they were the only Joneses and Smiths 
 in the Village. 
 
 The Smith family had a Cow, a Clothes 
 Wringer, the Grandfather of a Horse and one 
 Son. That was all the Furniture it Possessed. 
 
 The Jones Family was better off. It had 
 not only a Son, but it had also a Picture 
 
90 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Album and Money in a St. Paul bank. It 
 had moved around Minnesota and Wisconsin 
 considerably, because it was cheaper than 
 paying Grocery Bills. 
 
 The Smith Family had, up to this time, lived 
 on a Sand Farm for Generations and had moved 
 to preserve the Family Name, which was in 
 danger of Extermination because of poor crops. 
 Smith, Sr., felt that he had done his Full Duty 
 by the Old Homestead, and Felt no Compunction 
 when he yielded to a Desire for some other kind 
 of a Meal besides Oatmeal and Cornmeal. 
 
 Young Smith and Young Jones went to School 
 together. They fought, bit and lied for one 
 Another. But though their Sympathies and 
 Kite Strings were in Common, they differed in 
 their Ambitions. Young Jones determined to 
 see Something of the World. He started out 
 at 15 in Deadly Earnest and a Box Car, but came 
 back when a Brakeman sneaked up behind him 
 and Suggested it to him. When he started again 
 he was 18, and this time went for Sure. He 
 began work in a Saw Mill at Ashland, and then 
 drifted to Appleton. He spent a Winter in the 
 U. P., and got down to Chicago one Summer. At 
 Ashland he had learned how to make Lumber; 
 in the U.P. he had learned how to get Logs 
 out; and in Chicago he Learned something about 
 the Selling Part. He worked as far West as 
 
EESAWED FABLES 91 
 
 Salt Lake, as far South as Memphis, and as far 
 East as Pittston, though he was careful not to 
 work Too Much. After a few Years of this he 
 concluded he had satisfied his Boyish Ambition 
 to see the World. He did not know that there 
 was still Some of the World left east of Pitts- 
 ton and south of Memphis. However, he decided 
 to go back to the Old Town on the C. & N.-W. 
 and exhibit his Three-Ounce Watch-charm. 
 
 Meanwhile the Smith Boy did not Exhibit 
 any such Ambition or Brocaded Vest. He stuck 
 right to the Old Burg and showed no disposi- 
 tion to get into a Bigger Place. Many a Man 
 has started his Career in a County Jail and by 
 Diligence and Study and Application to Busi- 
 ness has climbed up and up until he has occupied 
 a Place in some of the Leading Penitentiaries 
 of the Country. Not so the Smith boy. He 
 Stuck to Mother and Father. The Result was 
 that when the Jones boy came back he found 
 the Smith Boy holding down a Chair in front 
 of the Village Store. The Town had grown 
 some by the Padding of some new Additions, 
 and So had the Smith boy. Otherwise Things 
 were unchanged. 
 
 "Well," said the Jones fellow, "I'm glad I 
 got out of this Hole. I'm Getting $125 per with 
 a Chicago wholesale Lumber House now. Still 
 stick to the Old Town, don't you, Smith?" 
 
92 RESAWED FABLES 
 
 "Yes," replied Smith; "I have to." 
 
 "No, you don't Have to there's a Chance 
 for any Chap out in the Great World." 
 
 "I know, but I kind of Feel that I'd ought 
 to Stick to the Old Town." 
 
 "Nonsense! Why?" 
 
 "I own most of it." 
 
 Moral A Meandering Stone accumulates no 
 Lichen. 
 
 Of Helping Others 
 
 "The surest way to help Yourself," quoth the 
 Youth in his Graduation essay, "is to help some- 
 one Else. I do not mean to help yourself to 
 what someone else Has." 
 
 Then he paused, that his Words might sink 
 Deep into the souls of his auditors and also 
 because the professor of public speaking had 
 told him that was a good place to Catch his 
 Breath. 
 
 "What I mean," said the Graduate, "is to 
 help someone else First and then help yourself." 
 
 Father, who had worn a glad White Tie all 
 day at the mill in honor of the august occasion, 
 was sitting well down in Front. 
 
 "In other words," thought father to himself, 
 "let some in on the ground floor that is helping 
 
BESAWED FABLES 93 
 
 Others; but when it becomes time to declare a 
 Dividend, help yourself." 
 
 The Graduate, however, did not know that 
 his father had misinterpreted his Logic or 
 rather his graduation essay. The Graduate 
 thought the essay was pretty good. He was 
 frank enough to admit that to Mother, who 
 thought it was Just Splendid. 
 
 The youth was at least conscientious and 
 consistent. After he had left School and started 
 out in the wide, wide, and moderately thick 
 World, he tried to put his altruistic principles 
 into active Practice. He went to Chicago in 
 a Pullman car to study the social settlements. 
 He Slummed it and it cost father about $73.48 
 per Slum. 
 
 He knew he was doing a good deal of Good, 
 because the Pastor of the Highland Park church 
 Told him so. One day he was out slumming in 
 an Automobile and accidentally ran across an 
 old Friend. He told the old friend about the 
 good Work he was doing and how he expected 
 to have his home for broken-down Hash 
 Slingers open by the first of August. 
 
 "I hope you do," said the old friend, frankly, 
 " because I don't think the Old Man will Hold 
 Out much longer than that." 
 
 The Graduate wondered what He meant. He 
 went Home to find out. He found that Father 
 
94 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 was running a big Saw Mill and running it alone. 
 Father told him that there wasn't anybody 
 around just then that he liked to trust many of 
 the Things to except him, and he was busy with 
 his Great Work. Father looked about as Robust, 
 when he said it, as a man in a 6-day bicycle Race 
 at the end of the 13,721st lap. 
 
 The Graduate decided that the home of the 
 broken-down hash slingers could wait. 
 
 Moral Help yourself by helping Others 
 but help your own Others before you help other 
 people's others. 
 
 Of the Light That Failed 
 
 Once there were two Unfortunates who had 
 Both been caught by Dame Fortune with Lum- 
 ber Yards on them and Treated accordingly. 
 When that Lady captures a Yap with such Evi- 
 dences of Reckless Disregard of Consequences 
 on his Person, what she Does to him is Good 
 and Plenty and Some More. She does not like 
 Anything better than to find a Retail Yard man 
 somewhere and Impale him on an Injunction or 
 an Execution and then Broil him over a Slow 
 Lawsuit. The Mills of the Law-Gods grind 
 Slowly, but they Pulverize middling fine. When 
 they get Hold of an Innocent and Unsophis- 
 
EESAWED FABLES 95 
 
 ticated lumberman they Reduce him to Blue 
 Vapor. 
 
 When Dame Fortune found these two yard 
 men with the Goods on them she unbottled a 
 Building Boom. Now, that would Ordinarily 
 seem to be very Lovely of her. A Building Boom 
 ought to be Meat to a Lumber dealer. But a 
 Building Boom is sometimes a Boomerang. It 
 gives a Yard man Fancy Ideas. He begins to 
 Load Up. He gets the Crazy Notion that his 
 Burg is going to show an increase in Population. 
 He may have a Few Measly Millions Piled in 
 his Yards, but he gets the Impression that he 
 can treble his Profits by doubling his Stock. Of 
 course, all he trebles is his Insurance, his Taxes, 
 his Bills Payable and his Troubles. There is no 
 Reason why a Yard man should Treble his 
 Troubles. There is no Crying necessity for it. 
 If he Wants Trouble a Simpler method is to 
 Marry. 
 
 These two Yard men were Hit by this Building 
 Boom, and they Started to clean up Wholesale 
 stocks in the East. They wanted to get a Corner 
 in Lumber. Now, any Man who sets out to get 
 a Corner in Lumber generally never gets any- 
 thing Better than a Nice quiet Corner in a Ceme- 
 tery. If a Retailer wishes to Land out in Forest 
 Lawn he Should get the radical Idea that he is 
 not carrying enough Lumber for the Prospective 
 
96 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Demand. The prospective demand is not infre- 
 quently an Ignis Fatuus that will Lead him into 
 Muck that is up to his Neck. Enough is enough. 
 
 These two Yard men began to Stock up. They 
 bought Bevel Siding and Dimension, and Bor- 
 rowed money and Trouble. Then a Eailroad 
 tore up its Tracks and put a Large Musical 
 Puncture in the Building Boom through which 
 the Escaping Gas whistled like a Messenger Boy. 
 
 One of these mis-dealers gritted his Teeth and 
 Buckled in. He handed the Large juicy Jolly 
 to his Creditors, and stood Collectors off with a 
 gun. He lay awake at night and figured how 
 to meet Notes the Next Day, and how Not to 
 meet the Grocer. He moved a little Lumber at 
 5 off what he Paid for it, and in this Profit- 
 able manner managed to Keep his Standing in 
 Church. He has just got now where he can 
 Take a Long Breath without Feeling the pangs 
 of Financial Pleurisy. 
 
 The other Dealer made no Attempt to Stem 
 the Tide, and was declared a Bankrupt. He 
 skipped all the Brain Fag and Moved to the 
 Next Town, where his Address is now No. 1000 
 Easy Street. 
 
 Moral Nothing Succeeds like a Failure. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 97 
 
 Of the Sense of Touch 
 
 A Northern Mill Man was seated in his Pala- 
 tial Office with his Pedal Extremities on a Desk 
 constructed of Minnesota Mahogany and his 
 back up against a magnificent Sofa Pillow which 
 one of the Mill Hands of Artistic Tendencies 
 had Constructed by Stuffing a Burlap Sack with 
 Excelsior. He was Smoking a Missouri Meer- 
 schaum filled with Wisconsin Burley, and was 
 as happy as a Landlord when a New Family 
 moves in or an Old Family moves out. The 
 Puffing of his Pipe kept time with the Puffing 
 of an asthmatic Saw Mill outside. It was a 
 warm Day in Summer, one of those days that 
 fill the Air with the Incense of the Fields and 
 Woods and make a Man feel Groggy. All Nature 
 seemed at Best, and most of the Lumber Shovers. 
 
 Down at the Water's Edge a Cricket sang its 
 Song of Joy, but gave it up when a Boom Hand 
 began to whistle " Hiawatha." The Pond Lilies 
 floated idly on the Surface of the Boom, and 
 the little Malaria Germs played Tag with the 
 Typhoid Germs Next Door. As stated before, 
 aU Nature seemed at Rest. As a Poet would 
 say, Nothing seemed to be sweating Itself. 
 
 Suddenly the Quiet of this Beautiful Pastoral 
 Scene was busted by a Creature who projected 
 
98 RESAWED FABLES 
 
 his Form through the Office Door and Distrib- 
 uted himself over the Office Furniture. He was 
 Tall and Thin, like a Piece of Asparagus, and 
 as Seedy as a Sunflower. But he was Full of a 
 Great Scheme, so Full of it that one could catch 
 the Aroma of it on his Breath. These Tall and 
 Seedy Strangers always are. 
 
 He introduced himself to the Mill Man before 
 the Mill Man had Time to ask for an Introduc- 
 tion, and said he had just come in on the B. & 0. 
 by which was probably Meant the Brakes and 
 Oil-boxes. He had been looking timber down 
 in Arkansas and he told the Mill Man he would 
 put him Next to a scheme by which he could 
 make a Million in Arkansaw Hemlock. The Mill 
 Man had never heard much about Arkansas as a 
 Hemlock producing State, but he permitted the 
 Stranger to unfold his scheme. 
 
 The Long Continued Stranger said he didn't 
 have much Eeady Capital himself, but he was 
 willing to let some Man who had in on the Great 
 Scheme, with no Expectation of Reward. He 
 said that in a Location in Arkansaw which he 
 would mention later he had struck a Tract of 
 700,000 acres that he thought would run about 
 95 percent pure Hemlock to the Ton. The Out- 
 croppings were very plain and he was only sur- 
 prised that some other Prospector had not 
 located the Timber long ago. He didn't have 
 
EESAWED FABLES 99 
 
 the Capital to work the Hemlock Claim him- 
 self, but he had secured an Option on 699,500 
 acres of it at $2.17 an acre, and if the Mill Man 
 wanted to make a Million he would divulge the 
 Locality. 
 
 " After you get Down there," said the 
 Stranger, "and you find Everything as Repre- 
 sented, if you feel that you owe me a Little 
 Something for putting you Next, why, it will 
 be thankfully Received, as it will permit me 
 to pursue my Art Studies in Europe. Some of 
 the Old Masters are Anxious for me to Come 
 over. A Little Commission wouldn't be any 
 more than Fair, would it?" 
 
 "If I make a Million on the Deal," said the 
 Mill Man, "I ought to give you $100,000, 
 anyway." 
 
 "That's very kind of you," said the Stranger. 
 "And, say, couldn't you let me have a Dollar 
 and a Quarter of it now?" 
 
 This somewhat dampened the Mill Man's 
 enthusiasm. 
 
 "I have always heard," he said, "that Riches 
 were a Great Bother, so I guess I won't Monkey 
 with your Generous Offer. In fact, I believe 
 you are a Fakir, that you never was in Arkansas 
 and you don't know any more about Looking 
 Timber than a Hog does about the Hereafter." 
 
 At first the Stranger was inclined to protest; 
 
100 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 but when he looked into the chilled steel Eyes 
 of the Mill Man he admitted that the Jig was up. 
 
 "Tell me one thing," requested the Stranger 
 as he collected himself together and prepared 
 to Depart, "how did you find me out? Are you 
 a Mind Reader?" 
 
 "No," replied the Mill Man; "I divine these 
 things by the Sense of Touch." 
 
 Moral Beware of the Stranger who would do 
 you a Great Kindness but wants your Thanks in 
 Advance. 
 
 Of the Savate Expert and the Man 
 With the Spiked Boots 
 
 Being on the Main Line to Mecca, Shaykh 
 Bow Ling Ali, Chief of the village of Hi Bal 
 and owner of 700 horses and 21,000 camels, enter- 
 tains many a Hadji on the Pilgrimage. He also 
 entertains Others. One of these was M. Broyle, 
 from Montreal, late of Paris, Savate expert in 
 the Cafe de Bum Bum, just off the Rue M' Tism. 
 M. Broyle could box with his head, hands and 
 feet, and could lean his Face against an Oppo- 
 nent's Fist in a manner that was Marvelously 
 Skillful. 
 
 It was his Foot Work, however, that threat- 
 
EESAWED #&BJis J : - j /\101 
 
 ened to make Famous the Cafe de Bum Bum. 
 M. Broyle had tiny feet; but when he made a 
 Feint with his Eight Hand, an upper-cut with 
 his Coco and a left swing with his Off Hoof, his 
 opponent was led to believe that instead of 
 scrapping with One Man he was surrounded 
 by a Mob. 
 
 M. Broyle had not been long in the camp of 
 Bow Ling Ali, the All- Wise, before the Wheel- 
 man of one of the ships of the desert discovered 
 him Making Goo-Goo eyes at an Arabian Lady 
 with a laundered flour-sack tied across her Eyes. 
 
 Thereupon there was a Wordy Altercation 
 between the pilot of the dromedary and the 
 Don Juan of the Cafe de Bum Bum. News of 
 the Uproar came to the ear in fact, both ears 
 of Bow Ling Ali, the All- Wise, and he had the 
 Altercators brought before him. The courtroom 
 of the Chief Magistrate of the Tribe was quickly 
 filled, for the wisdom of Bow Ling Ali was great. 
 
 The Shaykh told each of the Contenders to 
 state his case. ' l Well, monsieur, ' 9 said M. Broyle, 
 ' i I made ze look at ze Lady. ' ' 
 
 "0 Bow Ling Ali," replied the Camel Pilot, 
 " Shaykh of the Children of Hi Bal, All-wise 
 Defender of the Prophet, this unclean son of 
 the west gazed with Profane Eyes upon the 
 features of Little Egypt." 
 
 "Hold!" said the Shaykh; "this being an 
 
102 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 affair of the heart, it shall be settled after the 
 Usual Fashion." 
 
 Thereupon the Spectators made a Squared 
 Circle and, in the absence of Malachi Hogan, 
 Shaykh All-wise acted as Eeferee. 
 
 The Arab made a Snakelike spring and Col- 
 lided with M. Broyle's famous left foot, while 
 the Stranger's Right Foot beat a gentle Tattoo 
 on his Metric System. 
 
 After the Parisian had walked around the 
 Arab's face until it looked like the Home Plate, 
 the police interfered. 
 
 Now, it is not necessary to state whether the 
 Camel Pilot recovered or whether M. Broyle, 
 savate expert, at your service, won the Fair 
 Damsel or no. This Fable really concerns 
 mostly a man who appeared on the scene three 
 days after the Savate demonstration, and who 
 knew nothing about it. 
 
 This stranger was a Eiver Driver from 
 Cloquet. He was on a Pedestrian Tour of the 
 World. He wore his Spiked Boots, size 11%, 
 not only because they were Comfortable, but 
 because the sand could not then burn his feet. 
 
 Now, when the man with the 11% Spiked 
 Boots approached the village of Hi Bal the 
 scouts of Shaykh Bow Ling Ali discovered his 
 Foot Prints and carried the awful intelligence 
 to the All- wise. When the river driver appeared 
 
EESAWED FABLES 103 
 
 in Person he beheld only a Cloud of Dust in the 
 Distance. 
 
 He wondered thereat; but he picked the best 
 of the remaining Horses and proceeded on his 
 Journey. 
 
 Moral We cowards often Unconsciously Owe 
 a good deal to some Other Fellow who has passed 
 this Way. 
 
 Of the Three Sons Who Were Put 
 to the Arabian Test 
 
 A certain Lumberman, who owned a saw mill 
 in the Land where the Big Timber blossoms 
 with Eed Cedar Shingles, had Three Ambitions 
 in Life all of them Boys. In fact he had about 
 all the Ambition that appeared to run in the 
 Family. 
 
 Not but what these were Active boys. One of 
 them held the Driving Record on four different 
 Links and could make Eighteen Holes in 61. 
 Another had broken a Red Devil Wagon so he 
 could bring it up to the Curb at thirty miles an 
 hour and it would stand Without hitching. The 
 other was gone on a Girl on the North Side 
 and was Gone most of the time. 
 
104 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 None of these Three Great Eesponsibilities 
 had yet, however, evinced any Desire for Work. 
 They were Shining Examples of the doctrine, 
 "What's the Use of Working while Father keeps 
 his Health?" This was a Question they had 
 never been able to Solve; so they let it go at 
 that. It never occurred to the Boy with the 
 Knee Pants and Sassy Hose to use his Niblick 
 to shift a belt in the saw mill. The lad who 
 tooted the Comanche business on the front end 
 of the Juggernaut did not know Anything about 
 a sawmill engine, and if asked what the Governor 
 was would have said it was the Old Guy who 
 Paid the Bills. The boy who was Stuck on the 
 North Side Dame never worried about where 
 his Wedding Outfit was coming from. He knew 
 Dad was good for a Gas Stove and a Wilton Rug, 
 or at least could Furnish Five Rooms for $87. 
 
 None of the boys ever thought any Further 
 Ahead than the Thursday night Hop or any 
 Further Back than 2 o'clock this morning. But 
 the Old Man Used to meet Himself in the Study 
 some nights and wonder if Those Boys were 
 ever going to awaken to the Seriousness of Life 
 or whether he would have to set off the Alarm. 
 
 About this time Dad got hold of a book called 
 "The Shaykh of the Desert." He did not know 
 whether "Shaykh" was the name of a Grade 
 or a What. But he thought he would find out. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 105 
 
 So he read the book. It appears that this Shaykh 
 was the Main Squeeze of an Arabian Village and 
 used to Hand Out large Gobs of Wisdom to the 
 Wondering Natives. He was a Eegular De- 
 tective, except that he really Detected Crime. 
 His favorite method was to put the Suspected 
 Person to a test such as Twisting the Tail of 
 a White Mule. If the mule kicked the Respondent 
 in the Experiment or the Chest or Somewhere it 
 was an indication that the Respondent was inno- 
 cent. It was also sometimes accompanied by 
 Indications that the Respondent was Dead. 
 
 The name of this Shaykh was Bow Ling Ali, 
 and he Worked up such a Rep for being a Wise 
 Member that one of the Met Saleys of the tribe 
 picked up a bushel basket full of his Wise 
 Thinks and Coagulated them in a Book, which 
 might be had for $3.50 and in State Street 
 for $1.98. It was a copy of the $1.98 Edition 
 that fell into the hands of the Lumberman, and 
 that gave him an Idee. He had Suspicions that 
 perhaps One of the Boys might be Concealing 
 Brains about his Person somewhere, but Con- 
 cealing them with a Success worthy of a Better 
 Cause. He decided to do a little Shaykh busi- 
 ness Himself and put the Boys to the Arabian 
 Test. But he was undetermined how to put them 
 over the Hot sands, as he possessed no White 
 Mule. 
 
106 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 After some Cogitation he called the Three 
 Candidates before him and Handed each a Round 
 Trip Ticket to the World's Fair, together with a 
 suitable Sum of Coin. He then addressed them 
 in the Language of the Desert: 
 
 "You Three Skalawags may think your Pa 
 is a Pudding; but if you do you are off your 
 Cafe Noir, whatever that is. It is about time 
 that you, Harold, quit carrying around that 
 bundle of Children's Garden Tools and got busy 
 driving a Dump-Cart instead of a Golf Ball. 
 And you, Bob, if you want to commit murder, 
 do not need to kill off pedestrians, but can blow 
 up a few sawmill Boilers. And, Harry, Love is 
 a Good Thing to live on if it is placed between 
 two Slices of Bread and Spread thickly with 
 minced Ham and Mustard. 
 
 "Now you Three Galoots have got to go to 
 Work or to a Home for the Feeble Minded. 
 I am going to send you down to this World's 
 Fair and see what you can Learn. After you 
 come back, and pass through a little Uncivil 
 Service Examination I intend giving you, I will 
 start you out in Life according to the Wisdom 
 you have Assimilated. Now, Bless you, my 
 Children; and if you Walk Crooked you know 
 what you will Get when you Come Back." 
 
 Thereupon the Three Sons set out across the 
 Plains until they came to the Great City. There 
 
EESAWED FABLES 107 
 
 they saw Many Sights; for there were Quite a 
 Few to be seen. 
 
 When they Returned to the Land of their 
 Fathers the Old Man said, "Come with me." 
 He took them first through Devious Ways, 
 where there was Music and Dancing, and he 
 asked them what they Beheld. Bob and Harry 
 knew not; but Harold told him it was the 
 Pasmala. 
 
 Then he Steered them to a Place where there 
 were Picture Cards and Buttons with no Holes 
 in them. He pointed to a table and asked, 
 "What is this?" Harold and Harry knew not; 
 but Bob opined it was Three Card Monte. 
 
 Next he took them to a Place where Trees 
 cut in Thin Slices were stood on end. He pointed 
 to a Slice that was as beautiful as a Sunset. 
 Bob and Harold were up a stump; but Harry 
 said it was Red Gum. 
 
 Thereupon the disciple of Bow Ling Ali was 
 content. And the next morning he arose and 
 gave Harry $87 to furnish five rooms, and a 
 Lumber Yard to furnish the Grub. But to 
 Harold he presented a Swift Kick, and gave 
 Bob a job pushing a Cart in Harry's Yard. 
 
 Moral There is a whole lot of Cull in the 
 Tree of Knowledge. 
 
108 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Of the Reformer Reformed 
 
 Once upon a Good Old Summer Time there 
 was a Reformer who was a Glittering Success. 
 A Reformer is a Chap who is so Busy keeping 
 Cases on other people's Faults that he has no 
 Time to Post his Own Books. It's a Job that 
 will keep a man fairly busy; and the other 
 Fellow who runs out ahead to give the Millen- 
 nium the Glad Hand is apt to get out of Breath 
 before he has to make his Speech of Welcome. 
 The Optimist who is Wandering around looking 
 for a State of Perfection is likely to discover 
 that it has not yet been Admitted to the Union 
 though New York may try to convince him that 
 it is It. 
 
 This particular Reformer was doing an Anti- 
 Trust Specialty. He was agin the Trusts; and 
 the directors of the Steel Trust used to Sit up 
 Nights worrying about it. It never Occurred 
 to them to buy him off with a few Shares of 
 Steel Stock, though He often Thought of it. He 
 used to Discourse on Great Aggravations of 
 Capital and all that kind of thing. He used to 
 Orate about the Lumber Trust; though, when it 
 came to a Showdown, he could never lay his 
 Hand on it. Finally he Stumbled on the Health 
 Food Trust. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 109 
 
 He Discovered that all the Breakfast Food 
 Builders had formed a Combination that made 
 the Combination on the vault door of the First 
 National Bank in Chicago look as easy as a 
 Prize Rebus in a Piano ad. This Trust he 
 Viewed with Alarm. He saw Starvation Staring 
 People in the Face if their Breakfast Food was 
 cornered. 
 
 Now it also came to Pass that at about the 
 same time the Anti-Trust business was not 
 yielding very heavy Dividends. It was Very 
 Disappointing to go forth and stir the Hearts 
 of the Multitude on the Dangers of Capitalistic 
 Encroachment and then have only 89 cents in 
 the Collection. So, while he went about Dis- 
 cussing the Trusts, he took, up Inventing as a 
 Side Line. 
 
 It was while he was belaboring the Health 
 Food Trust at Night and Working on a Model 
 of a Flying Machine by Day that he discovered 
 a Perfect Substitute for Oats and Barley in the 
 Manufacture of Breakfast Food. He began 
 Experimenting, interested Capital that Villain 
 Capital! built a Factory and put the Health 
 Food Trust on the Bum in a Year with Com- 
 petition when he Couldn't have more than made 
 it wiggle its tail with a Century of Wind Jam- 
 ming. Everybody switched off from the Regular 
 
110 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Health Foods to the Substitute. The Inventor 
 kept the Secret of the Invention to himself. 
 
 Then one Morning the World awoke with a 
 Headache to find that a Sawdust Trust had been 
 Formed during the Night. The Wise Inventor 
 had kept the Process by which the Substitute 
 was manufactured a Secret until he had Cor- 
 nered all the Sawdust in the World. 
 
 Thus Fell the Eeformer; but his wife now 
 gets $2,158,976 a Month for Pin Money. 
 
 Moral No Game looks Wicked after You 
 Butt in. 
 
 Of Telling You So 
 
 Once there lived Side by Side two little boys. 
 Because the back doors of their Homes looked 
 at Each other, it must not be supposed that their 
 people Mixed to any Considerable extent. The 
 lads Mixed it in the Alley once in a while, but 
 that was the Extent of the Social Intercourse 
 between the neighbors. The difficulty was the 
 fact that Harold was the Son of a Saw Mill 
 owner who lived on Front street, while Sammy 
 was the Son of a Dump Cart driver who lived 
 on Back street. 
 
 As the Boys grew up there wasn't a Wish that 
 
EESAWED FABLES 111 
 
 Harold did not have Gratified, except the Desire 
 to win One of those alley Encounters; as for 
 Sammy, these Three-round Affairs in the alley 
 were the only Fun he had. Sammy learned to 
 Depend on Himself for what he Got; Harold 
 Drew on the Old Man. 
 
 At about the time they both became old 
 enough to Vote, the Saw Mill man moved Out 
 West, because he was Cleaning up only Ten 
 Thousand a year in the Old Town; and Sammy's 
 father went along to work for him, because he 
 Always Had. The Years went by, according to 
 Schedule. Then News came that each of the 
 boys had Eeceived a Term in Colorado. 
 Sammy's was in the Legislature at Denver; 
 Harold's was in the Pen at Canon City. 
 
 Then the Wise Guys in the old town Held a 
 mutual admiration meeting. There was not a 
 Man or Woman in the Burg that did not Know 
 all the time that those two boys would Turn Out 
 that way, and the I-told-you-so Fiend went Up 
 and Down the Pike challenging Successful Con- 
 tradiction. It was a beautiful Opportunity to 
 Hand it to the Sons of the Rich. 
 
 One would naturally think that the Wiseacres 
 would have felt something of a Jar when word 
 came six months Later that it had been Discov- 
 ered that Harold was Falsely Accused and that 
 Sammy had been Stuffing ballot-boxes at Or- 
 
112 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 chard Place. But you have another Think com- 
 ing. The Mutual Admiration Society in the Old 
 Town Reconvened and Agreed that it knew all 
 the time that Blood would Tell. 
 
 Moral Many people would rather be Incon- 
 sistent than Mistaken; in consequence they are 
 Both. 
 
 Of the Man Who Was Troubled 
 With Insomnia 
 
 Once upon a time there was a man who was 
 Troubled with Insomnia and a Saw mill. He 
 complained to the Bookkeeper about the 
 Insomnia, and the bookkeeper advised him to 
 have it Lanced. Of course the Bookkeeper 
 didn't know what Insomnia is. The Bookkeeper 
 could sleep as Hearty as a Babe. A good Tough 
 Trial Balance would send him off into a Kip 
 Van Winkle that, by Comparison, made a Chi- 
 cago policeman look as active as a Campaign lie. 
 
 The Mill man's friends suggested Eemedies 
 that varied all the way from Morphine to 
 Huntereye. None of these medicaments ever 
 did him good, although several professional 
 
EESAWED FABLES 113 
 
 Experimenters did and Plenty. The Sawmill 
 man came in time to Brag that there wasn't a 
 thing in the Heavyweight class that could Put 
 him to sleep not even Al Kaufman or the 
 Congressional Eecord. 
 
 About this time he casually met a William 
 Goat in the alley, head-on, and a humble he-sheep 
 did what Medical Science and the Congressional 
 flapdoodle had failed to accomplish. Kind neigh- 
 bors found him, after remarking it was a Shame 
 he Drank, carried him into the woodshed, and 
 sent for the Village Pain-knocker and Bill- 
 booster. The Disciple of Galen Explored him 
 about five Moments and announced that no bones 
 were broken, but that the Snooze looked good 
 for a week or Eight Days. ' Then they Locked 
 up the Goater and put the Goatee to bed and 
 Hired a Tame Nurse to keep People and Flies 
 out of the Eoom at $20 per. 
 
 Meanwhile the Insomnia patient had a Beauti- 
 ful Dream. It made the ordinary Pipe-Siesta 
 look like a Boarding House Vision. He dreamed 
 that the Theory of Transmigration had come to 
 pass and that he had been Bunted into the 
 Middle of a Future Existence. He was in 
 another World. 
 
 Finally he wandered up-street and came to 
 what he Presumed was a Department Store 
 one of those places where you give up Good 
 
114 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Money for the Privilege of being Walked on by 
 fat Women looking for the Peau d'Soie. But 
 he had another Presume coming, for when he 
 approached yet more nearer his eye fell on a 
 sign which read: 
 
 "SPHERES EXCHANGED." 
 
 This aroused the Dreamer's curiosity. He 
 butted in. He found the place thronged with 
 a Great Throng of ex-persons like himself. Of 
 course, most of the others had come in on Regu- 
 lar Trains and not on the Billy Goat Express. 
 Nevertheless, they were there. 
 
 The man who had arrived on the Sheep Special 
 finally discovered that this was the place where 
 People came to have their Spheres in life refitted. 
 On earth some of them had occupied Spheres that 
 fitted them about as well as A. Scalper would 
 adorn the Presidency of the National Wholesale 
 Lumber Dealers' Association. 
 
 A floor- walker explained it to the Earthly one. 
 "Y ? see," said the Gentlemanly Usher, " every 
 Gazabo who breaks into Utopia (this is the 
 place) is backed up to a looking-glass to see 
 how his Sphere fits. If he has been Blundering 
 Along down Below, undoing something that he 
 ought not to have been doing in the First place, 
 or this place, we take it away from him and 
 
EESAWED FABLES 115 
 
 give him Something that will make him Self- 
 supporting." 
 
 "You say 'him'," remarked the man with the 
 lovely snooze on. "Are there no women up 
 here, yes?" 
 
 "The other seventeen Floors are the Women's 
 Departments," replied the Official Guyed, 
 assuming a more Troubled air. "The women 
 keep us exercised more than the men; but we 
 have effected some Marvelous Cures which are 
 verified by Testimonials from Thankful Patients 
 now on file in this office." 
 
 "The patients?" 
 
 "No, the Testimonials. There is, for instance, 
 the Chairwoman of the Committee to Give 
 Advice to the Czar, of the Binglewood Woman's 
 Club. Why, when that Woman Invaded this 
 place she even said she was Chairman of that 
 Committee! Now she is the head of a Happy 
 Home and has actually made the Acquaintance 
 of her Children. The President of the Young 
 Ladies' Floral Association for Condemned 
 Murderers now sends her Bouquets to the Sick." 
 
 The Somnolent Sawmiller had come to the 
 Conclusion (this Tale is far from that) that 
 Utopia was almost as good a place as the 
 South Side. 
 
 "How about the Brutes?" he asked, pointing 
 to the Gentlemen's Furnishing Department, 
 
116 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 where new Spheres were being Passed out like 
 watermelon at a Newsboys' Picnic. 
 
 "See that Sign-painter there 1 ?" asked the 
 Steering Gear. "He used to hang around the 
 Art Institute. Observe the Gazabo in the Salt 
 Department? On the earth he thought he was 
 a Sash and Door salesman. Now he is a Salt 
 Seller. That fellow with the long Hair, the 
 Hatchet Face and orang-outang arms thought 
 he was a Poet. He is Carrying a Hod up here. 
 This man to the left was a Reporter; now he 
 is a Sampler in a Distillery. An ex-teamster is 
 now a Boss over Men; he was too cruel to handle 
 Mules. This statue of Cupid was a Messenger 
 Boy. No, he was not made into a Cupid because 
 he loved to Work; but we put the Speed Indi- 
 cator on him and found he was better suited for 
 Statuary." . 
 
 The Sawmill man butted into the remarks 
 again. "As for myself," said he, "I used to be a 
 Lumberman. I am a little curious to know about 
 That Business. Any Lumbermen up here?" 
 
 "Lots of People," said the Guyed, "who 
 Think they are Lumbermen come up here. Of 
 course, no one ever told them they were. 
 We have a Sawmill man who is running a 
 Sausage machine and making a Success." 
 
 "Don't you ever Make a Mistake?" 
 
 "Once in a While. We put one of those anti- 
 
EESAWED FABLES 117 
 
 Association Retailers at work running a Peanut 
 Stand, but he made a Failure of it." 
 
 " Everybody up here seems to Break Out of 
 the lumber Business. Don't anybody ever 
 Break into the Lumber Business up here?" 
 
 "Of course not this is Heaven." 
 
 "Don't anybody ever come up Here who is 
 the Eight Man in the Eight Place?" 
 
 "Oh, yes. There was, for Instance, the Alder- 
 man who came up here in a Cage." 
 
 At this juncture the floor- walker took on a 
 bizzy-izzy manner. "However," he said, 
 briskly, "this is our Busy Day. We have just 
 received a Batch of folks who Learned Jour- 
 nalism by means of a Three Weeks Correspond- 
 ence Course, and we've got to get them back 
 to Laundry Work. So your case '11 be next. 
 You are a Sawmill Man?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "What are your Symptoms?" 
 
 The Sawmill Man described how he sat up 
 with himself every night. 
 
 "You say you have no Desire to Sleep?" 
 
 "That's it." 
 
 The Inspector called an Assistant. ' ' Take this 
 man," he said, "and get him a job as a Night 
 Watchman. That'll cure him." 
 
 Moral Is your Sphere on Straight? 
 
118 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Of the Man Who Wanted to 
 Borrow Money 
 
 A Lumberman who was entitled to the Title 
 because he had Lumbered for twenty Years and 
 pretty well learned every Department of the 
 Industry, from Chopping the Tree to Working 
 up Common into Al sash, became inoculated 
 with the Idea that he would like to go into Busi- 
 ness for himself. He knew the Lumber Trade 
 from Alpha to Omega and from Boston, Mass., 
 to Hope, Ida. He had skidded Logs, tail-sawed, 
 piled and even sold a little Lumber for someone 
 Else; and so the idea that he would like to be 
 his own Boss came naturally. He was not the 
 first young Lumberman who had got such a Bee 
 in his Bonnet. 
 
 He dreamed about it with a Constancy that 
 even his wife's mince pie could not Interrupt. 
 However, though he had Dreamed about it with 
 such devoted Regularity, he had not saved up 
 very much Coin against the day when he should 
 wish to launch forth upon the Business Sea. For 
 some Years during the early part of his lum- 
 bering Career he had put his shoulder to the 
 Family Wheel, so his early Training and hard 
 Knocks brought him no Profit but Experience. 
 
EESAWED FABLES 119 
 
 Now, Experience is a Good Thing, but a Poor 
 one on which to negotiate a Loan. 
 
 After he had helped to start Sundry Small 
 Brothers on successful Careers, so successful, in 
 fact, that they came to look upon their Big 
 Brother with Condescension and to avoid Refer- 
 ence to the Relationship in Conversation with 
 Others, he did another Expensive thing. He 
 Fell in Love. This was a Wise thing to do. 
 He drew a Prize in the Marriage Lottery who 
 Cheered his Despondency and Made his Socks 
 last Two Summers. His Marriage was followed 
 by the Usual Consequences six of them. The 
 Young Lumberman did not object to this. 
 But they all took Money. In consequence, when 
 the Opportunity to break into the Lumber Busi- 
 ness presented itself, it found the young lumber- 
 man, as the after-dinner speakers say, " totally 
 unprepared." 
 
 The Opportunity came rather Suddenly. The 
 Opportunities of a Poor man Generally do, and 
 they do not Linger long. It seems that another 
 young man more fortunately situated Finan- 
 cially had been set up in the Retail Lumber 
 business in our Hero's town. This other Youth 
 was a good fellow, but he Lacked Experience 
 with Lumber and People. In consequence the 
 yard was not a Howling Success. Instead, it 
 was a quite Audible Failure. It didn't get the 
 
120 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Business that the Stock warranted. The local 
 Banks thought the Yard was to blame. Our 
 Hero knew where the trouble lay. Finally the 
 Yard man got Tired, and the people who were 
 Behind him became somewhat Fatigued them- 
 selves. Then it went out that the yard was 
 For Sale. 
 
 Here was our Hero's opportunity. He had no 
 capital. But he had his fellow-townsmen with 
 him, he had Experience, and he had "a Way 
 about him." In fact, he had everything that 
 Makes for Success except Money. He was 
 doomed to learn that he lacked the Principal 
 Ingredient. He struck a bargain with the Yard 
 Man first. Then he went out to borrow the 
 Money. 
 
 He went to the Banks, but had no Security 
 to Offer but a Firm Conviction that he would 
 Succeed. There was Nothing Doing. He became 
 Despondent. His Good Wife cheered his De- 
 spondency, but that was all she could do; it was 
 his Shoes that he wore out now. 
 
 Next he went to Men of Means, but they were 
 Equally Timid. They all Declared they were 
 on the Brink of Financial Euin. He did not 
 blame them Much, but he wished they had as 
 much Confidence in him as his Wife had. At 
 last, as a Last Resort, he went to the People he 
 should have gone to First. He went to the 
 
EESAWED FABLES 121 
 
 people who had already sunk some Thousands 
 in the Yard. They saw the Difference. He pulled 
 them out Better than Even, and did better than 
 that for Himself. 
 
 Moral A man never realizes how Poor he is 
 until he needs Money; and he never realizes 
 how poor Other People are until he tries to 
 Borrow it. 
 
 Of the Model Young Man and the 
 Jobs That Lingered Not 
 
 A certain gazabo had been selling lumber and 
 the Eetail Trade for Ten Years without ever 
 amassing a Batting Average that seemed to 
 entitle him to Break into Faster Company. As 
 a matter of Fact he was playing the Bench most 
 of the time; and when he did Catch On his salary 
 indicated that he was hitting them out at about 
 .178, whereas he considered himself a .343 
 Swatter and that he had Larry Lajoie and Sam 
 Crawford beaten a City Block. Having just said 
 Farewell to his last Job, and being anxious to 
 Catch the Drag to Prosperity, he anchored him- 
 self to a Park Seal and tried to reason the matter 
 out a very reckless Thing for him to attempt. 
 
 Personally he considered himself one of the 
 
122 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Best that ever came down the Pike. He did not 
 have the Swelled Head so much, however, that 
 he could not sit up and Kecognize the fact that 
 other Funny Folks thought he was a Shine and 
 a Skate. This led him to wonder what was the 
 Matter with Hannah. He had held good Jobs, 
 but he had been canned so often that he felt like 
 the Pickled Peaches that Mother used to make. 
 In fact, it seemed that every Time he made his 
 Getaway he left behind him the faintly audible 
 rattle of Tin. His whole life seemed to consist 
 of being chased away from good Jobs. Every- 
 where, at the end of two Weeks it was the glassy 
 Eye and the Marble Heart and " Here's your 
 Hat what's your Hurry?" He would no more 
 than Tack onto what looked like a good Propo- 
 sition than he would get a Hunch that a Vacancy 
 in his Department would be much appreciated. 
 
 He had become so Accustomed to the Side- 
 tracking Stunt that he half expected that one 
 of the Cops would spy him on the Park seat 
 and tell him to Hike along. But there was not 
 a Copper in sight, and the man out of Luck was 
 permitted to Soliloquize on the Why there was 
 no Cush in his kick. 
 
 Like a Chesty Willie, he sized up first the 
 places where he was the Strong Man from 
 Akron. He whispered to himself the fact, for 
 instance, that he was not a Booze Fighter. He 
 
EESAWED FABLES 123 
 
 had been on the Water Wagon ten years and 
 could Wave away a Manhattan without the 
 Quiver of an Eyelid. He knew nothing about 
 Hop Joints, and his life was one of Moral Recti- 
 tude. In spite of being on his Uppers, he never 
 Piped it off in his Raiment; for he wore Glad 
 Rags seven days in the week and Sported a 
 Watch Fob big enough for Balloon Ballast. At 
 the Jollying Game he had a line of Hot Air 
 second to None, and could untie a wheeze or 
 hold up his end of a Talkfest like a Tonsorial 
 Impresario. He used to hang around lumber 
 Offices for hours talking about Himself, because 
 he thought it would Please the Children. 
 
 But he didn't sell any Lumber, which was a 
 Sad and Bitter Disappointment. The House 
 invariably shared in this Disappointment and 
 left him reading that thrilling romance, "Male 
 Help Wanted." 
 
 Our Hero at the time our Story opens was 
 engaged in Warming a Seat in the Park and 
 trying to locate the Cause of the whole Trouble. 
 Needless to say, he's there yet. Here's the 
 Answer: 
 
 Moral To be Popular, avoid being Auto- 
 biographical. Talk about the Other Fellow; 
 or, if you can't, let Him do it. 
 
124 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Of the Uses of Experience 
 
 L. M. Knotz and his son C. Dar Knotz differed 
 slightly on the Question of Football. The Dif- 
 ference was about as Slight as that between a 
 Shipper and a Buyer in the Grading of a Car 
 of lumber. C. Dar Knotz thought that Football 
 was great Sport and a necessary Part of a Col- 
 lege Education; L. M. Knotz thought that it 
 was great Sport for the Hero on top of the Heap, 
 but (a Place which it might not be well to men- 
 tion) for the Gazabo with the Ball, who was at 
 the Bottom. As for being a necessary and 
 Component Part of a Higher Education, L. M. 
 Knotz thought that that depended to some con- 
 siderable Degree on the Circumstances. If the 
 Student was going to be a Divine, or a Corpo- 
 ration Lawyer, Knotz the Elder could not see 
 that a Football Education was Essential. A man 
 might not be able to handle Punts, and still be 
 able to preach a Passable Sermon. He might 
 not know much about Breaking up Interference, 
 and still be able to Fracture a Fat Will. Of 
 course, if the Student intended to be a Bowery 
 Policeman, or had to ride Home every night on 
 one of the suburbans, a Graduation from the 
 Gridiron might help Some. 
 
 L. M. Knotz had other Plans for his Son and 
 Heir, however. He had not mapped out a 
 
KESAWED FABLES 125 
 
 Brilliant Career in the Pulpit for him, partly 
 because C. Dar Knotz had not Exhibited any 
 Desire to Leap into a Pastorate Immediately 
 upon leaving the Brain Factory. Neither did 
 L. M. Knotz anticipate making a Lawyer out 
 of the boy in fact, he was Laboring to keep 
 the boy as far from the Bar as possible. His 
 fond Parental heart figured that "L. M. Knotz & 
 Son" would look a good deal better on the 
 Glass Door than just "L. M. Knotz, Wholesale 
 Lumber," as at Present. The younger Knotz 
 had as yet not decided the matter for Father. 
 He didn't care to Eow with the Old Man about 
 the Lumber Business; but he was compelled to 
 differ with him on the Football Proposition. 
 The Football Question looks Different from the 
 Halfback position than it does from the Side- 
 lines. It was Natural, however, that L. M. 
 Knotz and his great responsibility, C. Dar Knotz, 
 should Differ on the Football Question. Football 
 looks different to the man who can hardly run 
 One yard and to a man who can Eun a Hundred 
 yards in :10 flat. 
 
 When C. Dar Knotz joined the Football squad, 
 Knotz, Sr., was dubious. When Coach Yost 
 transferred him to the 'Varsity team, Knotz, Jr., 
 went into Raptures and his Father into Con- 
 vulsions. Knotz, Sr., is a Bum Penman, but 
 the Epistle he indited to Knotz, Jr., was very 
 
126 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 Plain. It was so Plain that he who Ran might 
 Read in fact, so Plain and to the Point that 
 he who Read might Run. 
 
 But Knotz, Jr., didn't Run. He wrote a long 
 Collect Telegram to Father in which he said 
 Things about the Glory of the School and how 
 he ought to want his Son to be a Credit to his 
 Alma Mater. Football, he declared, was a 
 Harmless Amusement, and he asked Father to 
 come down and see a Game, just to Satisfy him- 
 self. As Knotz, Sr., had been Coming Down for 
 Knotz, Jr., ever since the boy learned the way 
 to the Candy Store, he didn't know why he 
 should not come down now. So he came Down. 
 
 Any Football Player will tell you that it 
 always works that Way. A man may go through 
 a Season without a Scratch; but let him Invite 
 some Fond One down to a game to Prove that 
 Football is simply Scientific Tag, and he will 
 be reduced to Pulp in the First Scrimmage. On 
 the Day Appointed, L. M. Knotz was in a Front 
 Seat in the Bleachers. He saw C. Dar out on 
 the Field with a Uniform on that looked like 
 the Czar's Bullet-proof Nightshirt. The Game 
 started. L. M. Knotz, Respectable Wholesale 
 Lumber Dealer, felt rather Foolish at first. But 
 when he saw a Bald-headed man, with eight 
 Yards of Ribbon on his coat and no Hat on, 
 Two-stepping on a 6x4 plank seat 40 feet above 
 
RESAWED FABLES 127 
 
 the Ground, he decided there were still a few 
 others Loose. 
 
 Then Pennsylvania fumbled, and a little chap 
 on C. Bar's side yelled "4 11 44." He saw 
 C. Dar grab a brown Watermelon and Butt in. 
 Another fellow was so delighted to see him that 
 he Rushed up and Embraced him. When about 
 twenty others, the best that Knotz, Sr., could 
 Estimate, rushed up to shake hands with C. Dar, 
 Knotz, Sr., swelled with pride. Play Football? 
 Well, he guessed he could all he wanted to. 
 Knotz, Sr., had no idea the boy was so Popular. 
 But the Pennsylvania man, whose name they 
 said was Ike, but who didn't look the Part, had 
 embraced C. Dar so hard they Both fell down 
 and the rest all stumbled on top of them. 
 
 When they got up again, C. Dar didn't get up. 
 They carried him off the Field, and when 
 Knotz, Sr., looked at him he wondered how 
 C. Dar's friend Ike, of Pennsylvania, had recog- 
 nized him. Incidentally, Michigan lost a Football 
 Star. ' ' Parental Ob j ection, "the sporting editors 
 said. But a Compromise was effected. Knotz, Jr., 
 was to play Football in college; then he was to 
 enter the Lumber Business, if he survived. 
 
 He never got another Bruise. After gradua- 
 tion he started to learn the lumber business. 
 Knotz, Sr., believed in beginning at the Bottom. 
 C. Dar began by Piling Lumber. One day he 
 
128 EESAWED FABLES 
 
 and a man of unknown Nationality, whose name 
 was Ole Olson, were piling 3x8s. There came a 
 burst of thunder Sound, and Knotz, Sr., and 
 Everybody within a Mile rushed to the spot. 
 They sent Olson home in a Gunnysack. Then 
 they began looking for young Knotz. 
 
 Finally a lumber-shover beheld a Leg. They 
 removed a few more 3 x 8s, and then the lumber- 
 shover Pulled the Leg respectfully. 0. Dar 
 Knotz staggered to his feet. 
 
 "What down is this?" he asked. 
 
 Moral The Value of Experience lies not so 
 much in the Success we Achieve as in the 
 Calamity we Avoid. 
 
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