MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. BY ST.' JOHN HANKIN. I WITH FOURTEEN ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY E. J. WHEELER. LONDON : BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. CONTENTS. PAGE ALCESTIS I HAMLET 21 MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING 37 THE CRITIC . 57 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL . . . . . 73 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER QI THE LADY OF LYONS IO7 CASTE . . . . . 125 PATIENCE, OR BUNTHORNE's BRIDE 14! THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY 159 THE LADY FROM THE SEA . 177 C.iESAR AND CLEOPATRA 197 THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 215 A DRAMATIZED VERSION OF OMAR KHAYYAM . . . 23! LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. PAGE " HIS FATHER, AGED THOUGH HE WAS, SCOUTED THE PROPOSITION AS ABSURD " 7 "AND HAMLET STALKING IN THE CORRIDORS" . . 27 "MY DEAR LORD, NEVER MARRY A WITTY WIFE!" . . 45 "BUT THEY'RE VERY SEVERE ON THE PLAY" 61 "AH, JOSEPH, YOU'RE A SAD DOG ! " 83 " BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SHY " 95 "LET ME GIVE MY CLAUDE'S WIFE A KISS" . . .117 MR. ECCLES MAKES HIS HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIXTH APPEARANCE AT THE POLICE COURT .... 131 " I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE " 147 "SHE ANNOUNCED HER INTENTION OF LEAVING THE HOUSE FOR EVER" 171 " NOT BROODING, I TRUST, DEAR ? " .... 185 "I'D GIVE MY GENIUS FOR YOUR DIGESTION ANY DAY" . 211 " FRIDAY, YOU KNOW, IS THE MEETING OF THE AGAMISTS 1 LEAGUE " 223 " MYSHTICISM, DIFFICULT WORD TO SAY, MYSTICISHM " 239 PREFATORY. Plays end too soon. They never show The whole of what I want to know. The curtain falls and I'm perplexed With doubts about what happened next. Did HAMLET'S father haunt no move The battlements of Elsinore ? Does LADY TEAZLE never call At LADY SNEERWELL'S now at all ? Was BENEDICK'S a happy marriage ? And will the MELNOTTES keep a carriage ? Will AUBREY take to wife one day Another MRS. TANQUERAY ? Do ECCLES and his stepson wrangle ? Has anything been heard of DANGLE ? What has become of MRS. WANGEL ? I've asked again and yet again These questions hitherto in vain ! I sought the answers near and far. At length they came, and here they are : D.S. b Alcestis. D.S. How Admetus was saved from the disagreeable necessity of dying by his wife Alcestis, who was permitted to die in his stead, and how Heracles, ingratitude for Admetus' hospitality, wrestled with Death for her and restored her to her husband, has been narrated by Euripides. What Euripides did not do was to give us any hint of the subsequent history of the reunited couple. Did they live happily ever afterwards, ov ? But the sequel must show. It is written in the woman-hating vein so often seen in Euripides, and its title has been Latinized for the benefit of those who have forgotten their Greek. HERCULES VICTUS. SCENE. Before ADMETUS' Palace. That worthy enters hurriedly through the Royal doors, which J;e bangs behind him with a slight want of dignity. He soliloquises. ADMETUS. Ye gods, how long must I endure all this, The ceaseless clamour of a woman's tongue ? Was it for this ye granted me the boon That she might give her life in place of mine, Only that Heracles might bring her back, Torn from the arms of Death to plague me thus ? This was your boon, in sooth no boon to me. How blind is man, not knowing when he is blest ! Fool that I was, I mourned Alcestis' death Almost as much as I should mourn my own. Indeed I thought, so great my grief appeared, I would almost have laid my own life down Almost I say to bring her back to earth. Yet, now she lives once more she makes me weep B 2 4 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQURLS. More bitter tears than I did ever shed When I believed her gone beyond recall. [Weeps Utterly. CHORUS. FIRST SEMICHORUS. Oh, what a doubtful blessing is a wife Who saves your life And then doth make it doubly hard to live ! Alas, she doth but give A gift we cannot prize But count it in our eyes As nothing worth a thing to spurn, to cast away, To form the theme of this depreciatory lay ! SECOND SEMICHORUS. Alcestis, what a shame it is to find This kingly mind So much disturbed, this kingly heart so wrung, By thy too active tongue Thou gav'st thy life for his But oh, how wrong it is To make that life which thou so nobly didst restore A thing he values not at all, in fact a bore ! ALCESTIS. 5 FIRST SEMICHORUS. O wretched race of men, When shall we see again The peace that once ye had Ere woman bad, Or mad, Did cross your happy path In wrath, And doom you to a tedious life of fear and fret, Of unavailing tears and unconcealed regret ! SECOND SEMICHORUS. O Heracles, what shame Shall cloud thy previous fame Who brought this lady back Along the black Steep track, Where Death and she did fare, A pair (At least, as far as we can ascertain) content To those Tartarean halls which hear no argu- ment ! [Enter ALCESTIS. She is in a bad temper, and is weeping as only Euripides' characters can. B 3 6 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. ALCESTIS. Ah ! woe is me ! Why was I ever born ? And why, once dead, did I return again To this distressful earth ? Oh, Heracles, Why did you bear me back to this sad place, This palace where Admetus sits enthroned ? Oh, what a disagreeable fate it is To live with such a husband hear his voice Raised ever in complaint, and have no word Of gratitude for all I did for him ! Was there another creature in the world Who willingly would die for such a man ? Not one ! His father, aged though he was, Scouted the proposition as absurd. His mother, when approached, declined in terms Which I should hesitate to reproduce, So frank and so unflattering they were. But I, I gave my life instead of his, And what is my reward ? A few cold words Of thanks, a complimentary phrase or two, And then he drops the subject, thinks no more About the matter and is quite annoyed When, as may happen once or twice a day, I accidentally allude to it ! " His father, aged though he was, Scouted the proposition as absurd." ADMETUS. [Bursting into indignant stichomuthia.~\ Not once or twice but fifty times a day. ALCESTIS. Nay, you can't have too much of a good thing. ADMETUS. I don't agree. Speech is a good to men ALCESTIS. Your drift, as yet, I do not well perceive. ADMETUS. .... Yet too much speech is an undoubted ill. ALCESTIS. Ah, you rail ever at a woman's tongue. ADMETUS. Where the cap fits, why, let it there be worn. ALCESTIS. You spoke not thus when I redeemed your life. ADMETUS. No, for I thought you gone ne'er to return. IO MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. ALCESTIS. 'Twas not of mine own will that I came back. ADMETUS. I'm very certain that 'twas not of mine ! ALCESTIS. Tell that to Heracles who rescued me. ADMETUS. I will, next time he comes to stay with us. ALCESTIS. You say that, knowing that he cannot come. ADMETUS. Why should he not ? What keeps him then away ? ALCESTIS. Cleansing Augean stables : a good work ! ADMETUS. Idiot ! He never will let well alone. ALCESTIS. [Tired of only getting in one line at a time.'] lou ! lou ! What thankless things are men ! ALCESTIS. 1 1 And, most of all, how thankless husbands are ! We cook their dinners, sew their buttons on, Jlnd even on occasion darn their socks, And they repay us thus ! But see where comes Great Heracles himself. Tis ever thus With heroes. Mention them, and they appear. [Enter HERACLES in the opportune manner customary in Greek tragedy. HERACLES. [Preparing to salute the gods at great length.'] Great Zeus, and thou, Apollo, and thou too ADMETUS. [Interrupting hurriedly.'] Oh, Heracles, you come in fitting time To this afflicted and much suffering house. HERACLES. Wherefore afflicted ? Anybody dead ? ADMETUS. Not dead, but living. That the grievance is. HERACLES. A plague on riddles ! Make your meaning clear. 12 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. ADMETUS. Six months, six little months, six drops of time ! HERACLES. You still remain unwontedly obscure. ADMETUS. Six months ago you tore my wife from Death. HERACLES. Well, what of that ? What's all the fuss about ? ADMETUS. I know you did it, meaning to be kind, But, oh, it was a terrible mistake. Indeed, I think it positively wrong That you should interfere with Nature's laws In this extremely inconsiderate way. Depend upon it when a lady dies It's most unwise to call her back again. You should have left Alcestis to the shades And me to live a happy widower. HERACLES. Ungrateful man, what words are these you speak ? Were you not glad when I did bring her back ? ALCESTIS. 13 ADMETUS. I was. But that was several months ago. And in the interval I have found cause, A dozen times a day, to change my mind. HERACLES. What cause so strong that you should wish her dead ? ADMETUS. Well, if you must be told, she's sadly changed ; Dying has not at all agreed with her. Before Death took her she was kind and mild, As good a wife as any man could wish, How altered is her disposition now ! She scolds the servants, sends away the cook, A man I've had in my employ for years And actually criticises ME ! HERACLES. I'm really very much distressed to hear This mournful news. But what am I to do ? ADMETUS. Make Death receive her back : an easy task. HERACLES. But will Alcestis see it, do you think ? 14 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. ALCESTIS. Please, don't distress yourself on her account ; She'd leave her husband upon any terms. Is there a woman in the whole wide world That would not rather die a dozen times Rather than live her life out with this man, This puling, miserable, craven thing, Who lets his wife lay down her life for him And, when by miracle she is restored To earth again and claims his gratitude, Has the bad taste to grumble at the fact ? ADMETUS. I told you, Heracles, she had a tongue. HERACLES. Indeed, she's well equipped in that respect. ALCESTIS. To such a man the stones themselves would speak. HERACLES. Well, lady, are you then content to die ? ALCESTIS. I'm positively anxious to be off. ALCESTIS. 15 HERACLES. Then will I go and make Death take you hence. ALCESTIS. I'm sure I shall be very much obliged. ADMETUS. But, oh ! not half so much obliged as I. HERACLES. So be it, then. Death won't be far away. And when I've found him and have punched his head, I'll make him come and take you off at once. [Exit HERACLES. The Chorus, who appear to have borrowed their metre from " Atalanta in Calydon" sing as follows : CHORUS. Is this really to put An end to our cares, To the toils where our foot Was caught unawares ? Will Heracles really put straight this unfortunate state of affairs ? l6 MR. PUNCH S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. Will he overthrow Death For the second time here ? Will he do as he saith And in due time appear With the news which will lay fair Alcestis a second time out on her bier ? She will die, she proclaims, With the utmost good- will, And she calls us all names In a voice that is shrill While she vows that the sight of Admetus, her husband, is making her ill ! It hardly seems wise To spurn and reject Your husband with cries To which all men object, But Admetus is scarcely the husband to inspire any wife with respect. Lo, Heracles comes, A hero confessed ! But he twiddles his thumbs And looks somewhat depressed. Can it be that at last he's been conquered ? Well, all I can say is, I'm blest ! [The Chorus sit down in dejection. ALCESTIS. 17 Enter HERACLES. HERACLES. First I salute the gods, great Zeus in chief .... ADMETUS. \_Intevntpting.~] Oh, skip all that. Tell us about the fight. HERACLES. lou ! lou ! ADMETUS. Don't yap like that. Speak up. What is your news ? HERACLES. My friends, I saw Death slinking down the drive. I stopped him, told him that this lady here Was anxious for his escort to the Shades, Reminded him that I had once before Rescued her from his grasp, and pointed out How generous I was thus to restore What then I took. In fact, I put the best Complexion on the matter that I could. ALCESTIS. Well ? Did he say that he would take me back ? 1 8 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. HERACLES. By no means. He declined emphatically. He will not take you upon any terms. Death is no fool ; he knows what he's about ! ADMETUS. But did you not compel him to consent ? HERACLES. I did my best. We had a bout or two Of wrestling, but he threw me every time. Finally, out of breath, and sadly mauled, I ran away and here I am, in fact. ALCESTIS. You stupid, clumsy, fat, degenerate lout, I positively hate the sight of you ! Out of my way, or I shall scratch your face ! If Dejanira feels at all like me, She'll borrow Nessus' shirt and make you smart ! [Exit angrily. HERACLES. Oh, what a vixen ! Can you wonder Death, When I approached him, would not take her back ? ALCESTIS. IQ ADMETUS. I can't pretend I'm very much surprised Although, if you will pardon the remark, I think you might have made a better fight. Better not stay to dine. It's hardly safe. Alcestis isn't to be trifled with, And if she murdered you 7 should be blamed ! [Exit sorrowfully. CHORUS. [Rising fussily.'] How ill-natured of Death ! What a horrible thing ! It quite takes my breath And I pant as I sing. If Alcestis is really immortal, what a terrible blow for the Khig ! Curtain. D.S. Hamlet. C 2 Among the plays which seem specially to require a sequel, "Hamlet " must certainly be reckoned. The end of Act V. left the distracted kingdom of Denmark bereft alike of King, Queen, and Heir-Presumptive. There were thus all the materials for an acute political crisis. It might have been imagined that the crown would fall inevitably to the Norwegian Prince Fortinbras who, being on the spot with an army behind him, certainly seems to have neglected his chances. It is clear, however, from the sequel that Fortinbras failed to rise to the occasion, and that Horatio, being more an antique Roman than a Dane, seized his opportunity and by a coup d'etat got possession of the vacant throne. Nor would Fortinbras appear to have resented this, as we find him subsequently visiting Horatio at Elsinore. There is, however, a Nemesis which waits upon Usurpers, as the sequel shows. The sequel, by the way, should have been called "Ghosts" but that title has been already appropriated by a lesser dramatist. THE NEW WING AT ELSINORE. SCENE I. The Platform before the old part of the Castle as in Act I. HORATIO and FORTINBRAS come out of the house swathed in overcoats, the former looking nervously over his shoitlder. It is a dark winter's evening after dinner. FORTINBRAS. [Shivering slightly."] "Tis bitter cold HORATIO. [Impatiently. ~\ And you are sick at heart. I know. FORTINBRAS. [Apologetically."] The fact is, when I get a cold I often can't get rid of it for weeks. I really think we may as well stay in. HORATIO. [Doggedly.] I'm sorry, but I can't agree with you. I shall sit here. [Sits down resolutely with his back to the castle. c 3 24 MR PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. FORTINBRAS. [Turning up his coat collar resignedly.] It's perfect rot, you know, To let yourself be frightened by a Ghost ! HORATIO. [Angrily."] A Ghost ! You're always so inaccurate ! Nobody minds a spectre at the feast Less than Horatio, but a dozen spectres, All sitting round your hospitable board And clamouring for dinner, are a sight No one can bear with equanimity. Of course, I know it's different for you. You don't believe in ghosts ! . . . . Ugh, what was that ? FORTINBRAS. Nothing. HORATIO. I'm sure I saw a figure moving there. FORTINBRAS. Absurd ! It's far too dark to see at all. \_Argumentatively. ~\ After all, what are ghosts ? In the most high and palmy state of Rome A little ere the mightiest Julius fell, People saw hoards of them ! Just ring for lights, HAMLET. 25 And let us make ourselves as comfortable As this inclement atmosphere permits. HORATIO. [Despondently.'} I'd ring with pleasure, if I thought the bell Had any prospect of being answered. But as there's not a servant in the house FORTINBRAS. \_Annoyed.~} No servants ? HORATIO. [Bitterly.'} As my genial friend, Macbeth, Would probably have put it, " Not a maid Is left this vault to brag of." In other words, They left en masse this morning. FORTINBRAS. Dash it all ! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark When you, its reigning monarch, cannot keep Your servants for a week. HORATIO. \_Sadly.~} Ah, Fortinbras, If you inhabited a haunted castle 26 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. You'd find your servants would give warning too. It's not as if we only had one ghost. They simply swarm ! [Ticking them off on his fingers.'] There's Hamlet's father. He walks the battlements from ten to five. You'll see him here in half an hour or so. Claudius, the late King, haunts the State apartments, The Queen the keep, Ophelia the moat, And Rosencrantz and Guildenstern the hall. Polonius you will usually find Behind the arras murmuring platitudes, And Hamlet stalking in the corridors. Alas, poor ghost ! his fatal indecision Pursues him still. He can't make up his mind Which rooms to take you're never safe from him ! FORTINBRAS. But why object to meeting Hamlet's Ghost ? I've heard he was a most accomplished Prince, A trifle fat and scant of breath, perhaps ; But then a disembodied Hamlet Would doubtless show a gratifying change In that respect. HORATIO. [Irritably.'] I tell you, Fortinbras, It's not at all a theme for joking. " And Hamlet stalking in the corridors." HAMLET. 2Q However, when the New Wing's finished I shall move in, and all the ghosts in limbo May settle here as far as I'm concerned. FORTINBRAS. When will that be ? HORATIO. The architect declares He'll have the roof on by the end of March. FORTINBRAS. [Rising briskly.'] It is a nipping and an eager air. Suppose we stroll and see it ? HORATIO. [Rising also.~] With all my heart. Indeed, I think we'd better go at once. [Looks at watch. The Ghost of Hamlet's father's almost due. His morbid love of punctuality Makes him arrive upon the stroke of ten, And as the castle clock is always fast He's rather apt to be before his time. [The clock begins to strike as they exeunt hastily. On the last stroke, GHOST enters. 3O MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. GHOST. I am Hamlet's father's spirit, Doomed for a certain term to walk the night, And for the day .... [Stops, seeing no one there. What ! Nobody about ? Why, this is positively disrespectful. I'll wait until Horatio returns And, when I've got him quietly alone, I will a tale unfold will make him jump ! [Sits down resolutely to wait for HORATIO. SCENE II. Before the New Wing of the Castle. The two Clowns, formerly grave-diggers hit now employed with equal appropriateness as builders, are working on the structure in the extremely leisurely fashion to be expected of artizans who are not members of a Trades Union. IST CLOWN. [In his best Elizabethan manner.'] Nay, but hear you, goodman builder 2ND CLOWN. [In homely vernacular.'] Look here, Bill, you can drop that jargon. There's no one here but ourselves, and I ain't amused by it. It's all very well to try it on when HAMLET. 31 there's gentlefolk about, but when we're alone you take a rest. IST CLOWN. [Puzzled.'] Ay, marry ! 2ND CLOWN. [Throwing down tools.'] Stow it, I say, or I'll have to make you. Marry, indeed ! If you mean " Yes," say " Yes." If you mean " No," say " No." IST CLOWN. All right, mate. 2ND CLOWN. [Grumbling.'] It's bad enough staying up all night building more rooms on to this confounded castle I should have thought it was big enough and ugly enough without our additions but if I'm to listen to your gab, s'help me ! IST CLOWN. Hush ! here comes some one. [They make a valiant pretence of work as HORATIO and FORTINBRAS enter. HORATIO. [Ecstatically, completely deceived by this simple ruse.'] My Master-Builders ! FORTINBRAS. Idle dogs ! 32 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. 1ST CLOWN. [Elizabethan again. ~\ Argal, goodman builder, will he nill he, he that builds not ill builds well, and he that builds not well builds ill. Therefore, perpend ! HORATIO. [Appreciatively.'] How absolute the knave is ! FORTINBRAS. He seems to me to be an absolute fool. HORATIO. Not at all. A most intelligent working man. I'll draw him out. [To IST CLOWN.] When will the house be finished, sirrah ? IST CLOWN. When it is done, Sir. HORATIO. Ay, fool, and when will that be ? IST CLOWN. When it is finished, o' course. HORATIO. [To FORTINBRAS.] There ! What do you call iliat ? Witty, eh ? HAMLET. 33 FORTINBRAS. I call it perfectly idiotic, if you ask me. HORATIO. Well, well; we'll try again. [To IST CLOWN.] And whose is the house, fellow ? IST CLOWN. [Fatuously.] Marry, his that owns it. Ask another. HORATIO. [To FORTINBRAS.] Ha ! Ha ! Good again. By the Lord, Fortinbras, as Hamlet used to say, the toe of the peasant comes so near the heel of the courtier, it galls his kibe. FORTINBRAS. [Savagely.'] The toe of the courtier is getting so perilously near the person of the peasant that you'd better get rid of the latter as soon as possible. HORATIO. [Doubtfully.'] Perhaps you're right. And yet I was always taught to consider that kind of thing awfully entertaining. But, there. Fashions change in humour as in other things. Send them away. 34 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. FORTINBRAS. [Giving them money."} Away with you, fellows. Go and get drunk. [Exeunt clowns. HORATIO. [Relapses into blank verse on their departure.'] What think you of the New Wing, Fortinbras ? The whole effect is cheerful, is it not ? Good large sash windows, lots of light and air ; No mediaeval nonsense. FORTINBRAS. [ Who does not admire the building.'] So I see ! HORATIO. No ghosts here, eh, to stalk about the rooms And fade against the crowing of the cock ? FORTINBRAS. Probably not and, yet look there, Horatio ; There's something in the shadow over there, Moving towards the house. It's going in. Stop it, Horatio. HORATIO. [Furious."] Here, I can't stand this. I'll cross it though it blast me. Stay, Illusion ! [The figure stops. HAMLET. 35 Are you aware, Sir, that you're trespassing ? This is a private house. GHOST. [In a sepulchral voice."] My private house ! HORATIO. Oh, come, you know, you can't mean that ! Your house ? Considering that I'm building it myself Of course, assisted by an architect I think you must admit there's some mistake. t GHOST. [Turning and advancing towards them.'] Pooh ! What do 7 care for your architect ? It's mine, I say, my house, my plot, my play. 7 made them all ! HORATIO. Oh, my prophetic soul ! Shakspeare ! GHOST. The same. HORATIO. I say, confound it all, Do you propose to haunt the castle too ? 36 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. GHOST. Yes, the New Wing HORATIO. It's really much too bad. You've filled the old part of the house with spectres ; I think you might have left the new to me. FORTINBRAS. That seems a reasonable compromise. GHOST. I shall stay hen ; make up your mind to that, But if you like to share the Wing with me I've no objection. HORATIO. {Stiffly."] Thanks, I'd rather not. I shall consult with my solicitor, And if he can't eject you from the place I'll sell it, ghosts and all ! Come, Fortinbras. [Exit with dignity. Curtain. Much Ado about Nothing. D.S. The end of " Much Ado about Nothing " must always leave the sympathetic playgoer in tears. The future looks black for everybody concerned. Claudia's jealous disposition will make him a most uncomfortable husband for the resuscitated Hero, while Benedick and Beatrice are likely to find that a common taste in badinage is not the most satisfactory basis for matri- mony. When it is added that Don John's genius for plotting is sure in the end to get him into trouble one feels that nothing can be gloomier than the prospects of the entire cast. MORE ADO ABOUT NOTHING. SCENE. The garden of BENEDICK'S house at Padua. BENE- DICK is sitting on a garden seat, sunning himself indolently. BEATRICE is beside him, keeping up her reputation for conversational brilliancy by a series of sprightly witticisms. BEATRICE. Very likely I do talk twice as much as I should. But then, if I talk too much you certainly listen far too little, so we are quits. Do you hear ? BENEDICK. [Opening his eyes sloivly.~\ Eh ? BEATRICE. I believe you were asleep! But there 'tis a great compliment to my wit. Like Orpheus, I can put even the savage beasts to sleep with it. [Benedick's eyes close again, and he appears to sink into a profound doze.'] But if the beasts go to sleep there's no use in being witty. I suppose Orpheus never thought of that. Come, wake D 2 40 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. up, good Signior Beast. [Prods him coquettishly with her finger.] Have you forgotten that the Duke is coming ? BENEDICK. [Drowsily.] When will he be here ? BEATRICE. Ere you have done gaping. BENEDICK. [Terribly bored by this badinage] My dear, if only you would occasionally answer a plain question. When do you expect him ? BEATRICE. [Skittish to the last] Plain questions should only be answered by plain people. BENEDICK. [Yawning heartily] A pretty question then. BEATRICE. Pretty questions should only be asked by pretty people. There ! What do you think of that for wit ! BENEDICK. Really, my dear, I can hardly trust myself to charac- terise it in er fitting terms. [Rings bell. Enter Page] When is the Duke expected ? MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 4! PAGE. In half-an-hour, Sir. BENEDICK. Thank you. [Exit Page. BEATRICE. [Pouting.'] You needn't have rung. / could have told you that. BENEDICK. I am sure you could, my dear. But as you wouldn't BEATRICE. I was going to, if you had given me time. BENEDICK. Experience has taught me, my dear Beatrice, that it is usually much quicker to ring ! [Closes his eyes again.] BEATRICE. How rude you are ! BENEDICK. [Half opening them.] Eh ? BEATRICE. I said it was very rude of you to go to sleep when I am talking. D 3 42 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. BENEDICK. [Closing his eyes afresh.~\ It's perfectly absurd of you to talk when I am going to sleep. BEATRICE. [Girding herself for fresh witticisms.'] Why absurd ? BENEDICK. Because I don't hear what you say, of course, my love. BEATRICE. [Whose repartees have been scattered for the moment by this adroit compliment.'] Well, well, sleep your fill, Bear. I'll go and bandy epigrams with Ursula. [Exit BEATRICE. BENEDICK looks cautiously round to see if she is really gone, and then heaves a sigh of relief. BENEDICK. Poor Beatrice ! If only she were not so incorrigibly sprightly. She positively drives one to subterfuge. [Produces a book from his pocket, which he reads with every appearance of being entirely awake. Enter DON PEDRO, as from a journey. BENEDICK does not see him. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 43 DON PEDRO. Signior Benedick ! BENEDICK. [Starting up on heaving his name.'} Ah, my dear Lord. Welcome to Padua. DON PEDRO. [Looks him up and down.} But how's this ? You look but poorly, my good Benedick. 4 BENEDICK. I am passing well, my Lord. DON PEDRO. And your wife, the fair Beatrice ? As witty as ever ? BENEDICK. [Grimly.} Quite ! DON PEDRO. [Rubbing his hands.} I felt sure of it ! / made the match, remember! / said to old Leonato " She were an excellent match for Benedick " as soon as I saw her. BENEDICK. [Sighing.} So you did, so you did. 44 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. DON PEDRO. [Puzzled.'} I'm bound to say you don't seem parti- cularly happy. BENEDICK. [Evasively.'] Oh, we get on well enough. DON PEDRO. Well enough ! Why, what's the matter, man ? Come, be frank with me. BENEDICK. [Impressively.] My dear Lord, never marry a witty wife ! If you do, you'll repent it. But it's a painful subject. Let's talk of something else. How's Claudio ? I thought we should see him and Hero with you. DON PEDRO. [Looking slightly uncomfortable, ,] Claudio is er fairly well. BENEDICK. Why, what's the matter with him ? His wife isn't developing into a wit, is she ? DON PEDRO. No. She's certainly not doing that ! BENEDICK. Happy Claudio ! But why aren't they here then ? " My dear Lord, never marry a witty wife ! " MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 47 DON PEDRO. [Coughing nervously.'] Well, the truth is, Claudio's marriage hasn't been exactly one of my successes. You remember I made that match too ? BENEDICK. I remember. Don't they hit it off ? DON PEDRO. [Querulously."] It was all Claudio's suspicious temper. He never would disabuse his mind of the idea that Hero was making love to somebody else. You remember he began that even before he was married. First it was me he suspected. Then it was the mysterious man under her balcony. BENEDICK. You suspected him too. DON PEDRO. That's true. But that was all my brother John's fault. Anyhow, I thought when they were once married things would settle down comfortably. BENEDICK. You were curiously sanguine. I should have thought anyone would have seen that after that scene in the church they would never be happy together. 48 MR. PUNCH'S DRAMATIC SEQUELS. DON PEDRO. Perhaps so. Anyhow, they weren't. Of course, everything was against them. What with my brother John's absolute genius for hatching plots, and my utter inability to detect them, not to speak of Claudio's unfor- tunate propensity for overhearing conversations and misunderstanding them, the intervals of harmony between them were extremely few, and, at last, Hero lost patience and divorced him. BENEDICK. So bad as that ? How did it happen ? DON PEDRO. Oh, in the old way. My brother pretended that Hero was unfaithful, and as he could produce no evidence of the fact whatever, of course Claudio believed him. So, with his old passion for making scenes, he selected the moment when I and half-a-dozen others were staying at the house and denounced her before us all after dinner. BENEDICK. The church scene over again ? DON PEDRO. No. It took place in the drawing-room. Hero behaved with her usual dignity, declined to discuss Claudio's MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 49 accusations altogether, put the matter in the hands of her solicitor, and the decree was made absolute last week. BENEDICK. She was perfectly innocent, of course ? DON PEDRO. Completely. It was merely another ruse on the part of my amiable brother. Really, John's behaviour was inexcusable. BENEDICK. Was Claudio greatly distressed when he found how he had been deceived ? DON PEDRO. He was distracted. But Hero declined to have any- thing more to do with him. She said she could forgive a man for making a fool of himself once, but twice was too much of a good thing. BENEDICK. [Frowning.] That sounds rather more epigrammatic than a really nice wife's remarks should be. DON PEDRO. She had great provocation. 5