BANCROFT LIBRARY o THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK poofe* for Cfnlbren ftp (Selett ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR The "Big" Goop Books ( Small ftos) GOOPS, AND How TO BE THEM; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants. I3th Edition. 88 pp. $1.50. MORE GOOPS, AND How NOT TO BE THEM; A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. 7th Edition. 88 pp. $1.50. GOOP TALES, ALPHABETICALLY TOLD; The Biog- raphies of Fifty Celebrated Goops. 4th Edition. 106 pp. $1.50. BLUE GOOPS AND RED; A Manual of Polite Deportment for Children. Illustrated in Colors, with Transformation Pages for each Goop, chang- ing him from Bad to Good. 82 pp. $1.35 net. The "Little" Goop Books THE GOOP DIRECTORY of Juvenile Offenders. i6mo. 76 pp. $.50 net. Modern Fairy Tales THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Mod- ern Fairy Tales for City Children. Illustrated in Colors. 4th Edition. Small 4to. 210 pp. Cloth, $1.50. Boards, $1.25. ;f rebericfe & &tofee* Company NEW YORK THE NONSENSE SCHOOL THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK Being a Complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of GELETT BURGESS, ESQ., Sometime Editor of the " Lark" "Le Petit Journal des Refusees" &? "Enfant Terrible" Including the "PURPLE Cow" with Forty Odd Nonsense Quatrains, The " CHEWING GUM MAN " Epics y the " GERRISH " Ghost Stories, Poems of PATAGONIA, Curious Cartoons i Autobiographies of/ Famous GOOPS, 6? a Myriad Impos- sibilities, adorned with less than A Million Heart-Rending Illustrations by the Author ^j The Whole forming a Book of Blissful Bosh for the Blase ; an Amusing Antidote to Modern "Neurasthenia ; a Stimulating Spur to Thoughtlessness y & a Restful Recreation for the Super- Civilized, the Over-Educated, 9* the Hyper- Refined. Carefully Expurgated of all Reason, Purpose, & Verisimilitude by a Corps of Irresponsi- ble Idiots. An Extrageneous Tome of Twaddle, an Infallible CYCLOPEDIA ^BALDERDASH Ferocious Fancies & Inconsequential Vagaries Than which, Nothing could be More So PUBLISHED BY FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY NEW YORK Copyright, 1901, by Gelett Burgess Published in October, ooH 9 . ^L him who vainly conjures sleep In counting visionary sheep ; To her who, in the dentist* s power Would fain recall a gayer hour; To him who visits tiresome aunts, And comes upon this book by chance ; To her who in the hammock lies, And, bored with Ibsen, BURGESS tries; To those who cant remember dates While nonsense rhymes stick in their pates ; To those who buy, and do not borrow, Nor put it off until to-morrow ; To all who in these pages look, I dedicate this Nonsense Book! von ;,! This is THE MUSE OF NONSENSE See/ Preposterously Strained is She; Her Figures have nor Rule nor Joint And so it 9 s Hard to See the Point! coo Q coo TABLE OF O N N Page FRONTISPIECE: The Nonsense School 4 THE MUSE OF NONSENSE 9 TABLE OF CONTENTS -.. . . . ....... u NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS The Invisible Bridge . . . . ' '. 16 My Feet ...... 18 City Flora . . . . . . 20 The Giant Horse 22 The Purple Cow 24 Digital Extremities 26 The Lazy Roof 28 Remarkable Art 30 The Lecture 32 The Window Pain 34 Streets of Glue . . 36 Glue Streets 38 The Towel and the Door 40 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS Continued p age The Door and the Towel 42 Insomnia 44 The Bore . . 46 Parisian Nectar 48 The Floorless Room 50 Astonishment 52 A Radical Creed ....... 54 Density ..... * . . . . . . . . . 56 The Goop . . . , 58 The Sunset ' .... 60 Confessional 62 My House 64 My Fancies 66 The Proper Exit 68 The Jilted Funeral 70 A Quadruped Unclassified . . / 72 The British Guardsman 74 Drawing Room Amenities 76 The Staff of Life 78 The Sense of Humour 80 The Laundried Dog 82 Imaginary Osculation 84 Preferences 86 A Woman's Reason 88 The Call , 90 The Poplars 92 Elizabeth 94 THE HULDY ANN EPICS: The Chewing Gum Man * . 97 The Runaway Train 102 The Hotel Caramel 107 c-crc I 2 c-crc THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE GERRISH GHOST STORIES : p age The Levitant 113 The Spectre House 125 PROVERBS EXTRA-ILLUSTRATED: Proverbs Plain 132 Proverbs Perverted 133 ESSAYS IN BALDERDASH : The Oval Moon 134 What Smith Tried to Believe . . . 136 A Permutative System 138 RARE SPORT & OTHER FANTASIES: Trapping Fairies 140 Shooting Witches 142 Fishing for Mermaids 144 The Meeting of a Social Club 146 The " Insect World " . * . . 147 Seminary of Female Smoking 148 Miss Gulliver in Lilliput 150 BAD BALLADS: The Little Father 152 McGurry and the Yellow Sunday Editor 157 The Giant Baby 158 The Bankrupt Babe 165 The Bohemians of Boston 169 FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES: Whang and Yak 173 Little Totsy's Tragedy 182 The Unit of Pleasure 188 A Fable for Musicians 194 C00 I G00 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES Continued p age The Kisses of the Princess Pittipums ...... 200 The Poet and the Princess . . . . 213 POEMS OF PATAGONIA : Abstemia , 219 The Museum of Kisses . * 220 Abstrosophy . . . . . * 221 Hope's Stultitude ............ 222 Psycholophon 223 The Knave of Hearts . . . . 224 The Purpil Cowe 225 ALPHABET OF FAMOUS GOOPS: Abednego , v . . . . 226 Bohunkus, Cephas 227 Daniel and Dago, Ezekiel 228 Festus, Gamaliel .... 229 Hazael, Isaac 230 Jonah, Kadesh 231 Laban, Micah 232 Nicodemus, Obadiah 233 Peleg, Quarto t .\ 2 34 Reuben, Shadrach 235 Timothy, Uriah 236 Vivius, Waban 2 37 Xenogor, Yero 23 8 Zibeon . . 239 NOTE. The Author desires to acknowledge the permission to reprint articles contained in this book, kindly offered by the editors of Life, Truth, St. Nicholas, the Puritanic Wave, the Sketch, Black and White, Madame, and the Century. have all of us a touch of that same You understand me a speck of the motley" CHARLES LAMB. THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE: A Kind of Fable : Please Understand it, if You 're Able. l6 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- I 'd Never ^ A Bridge Dare to Walk Across I Could Not See, a a D n u a o Q. D n For Quite Afraid of Falling off I Fear that I Should Be ! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK MY FEET : A Memoir, with a Phase Resembling some Equestrian Ways. i8 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK My Feet they haul me Round the House, They Hoist me up the Stairs; I only have to Steer them, and They Ride me Everywheres ! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- On CITY FLORA: Semi-Culled By One whose Fame is Somewhat Dulled, 2O can THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- There is a Theory Some Deny That Posts once were Three Foot High; And a Little Boy was Terrible o THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE SUNSET: Picturing the Glow It Casts upon a Dish of Dough. -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- The Sun is Low, to Say the Least, Although it is Well- Red; Yet, Since it Rises in the Yeast, It Should be Better Bredl THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- CONFESSION: and a Portrait, Too, Upon a Background that I Rue! 62 van Ah, Yes! I Wrote the "Purple Cow" I'm Sorry, now, I Wrote it! CAN TCLL YOU ANYHOW IDRATHERSEE But I can Tell you Anyhow, I'll Kill you if you Quote it! &00 63 &O3 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- MY HOUSE: and How I Make my Bed A Nocturne for a Sleepy Head. 00064000 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- My House is Made of Graham Bread, Except the Ceiling's Made of White; Of Angel Cake I Make my Bed I Eat my Pillow Every Night! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- MY FANCIES: Fatuous Vagaries Inspired by my Coal Hearted Lares. C00 66 -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK My Fancies like the Flames Aspire; I Dream of Fame and Fate; I See my Future in the Fire, And Oh, 't is Simply Grate! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE PROPER EXIT: How a Jest Politely Speeds the Parting Guest. C/20 68 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- The Proper way to Leave a Room Is not to Plunge it into Gloom; Just Make a Joke Before you Go, And Then Escape Before They Know, THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE JILTED FUNERAL: Motorcars More Deadlier than Mean Cigars! 70009 Why does this Seedy Lady Look As Though she 7 Should be Undertook? Ah, Should her Spirit now Forsake her, I Wouldn't Want to Undertake her! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- A QUADRUPED UNCLASSIFIED: I couldn't Name This, if I Tried! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Now, Take this Gaudy Pseudo-Chair! A Bold, Upholsterrific Blunder It doesn't Wonder Why it's There, We don't Encourage it to Wonder! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE BRITISH GUARDSMAN'S Well- Packed Chest: And Why his Martial Pride 's Suppressed. 74 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Who is this Man, so Tightly Dressed, With Silver Medals on his Chest? His Bosom does not Swell with Pride There is Not Room enough Inside! coo 7 JJ coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- On DRAWING-ROOM AMENITIES: Oh, What a Happy Scene it Is! 66076 GOO BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- There is Little in Afternoon Tea To Appeal to a Person Like Me; Polite Conversation Evokes the Elation A Cow might Enjoy, in a Tree! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE STAFF OF LIFE: And HOW to Cut one; Reproof, and How a Father Got One. THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- It Makes me (sic) and Mother Sick To have you Cut the Bread so Thick; I do not Care about your Waist, It is a Question of Good Taste ! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE SENSE OF HUMOUR is Sponta- neous, Unconscious, Instantaneous. 80 000 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- When you Get Off your Wheel, Oh, how Funny you Feel! "X When you Get Off your Joke What a Gloom you Provoke ! s 6 cos COO 8 I C00 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE LAUNDRIED DOG: A Whim Chinese, And its Effect upon the Please. etn THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- I Sent my Collie to the Wash They Starched and Ironed her, B' Gosh ! And then they Charged me Half a Dollar For Laundrying the Collie's Collar! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- IMAGINARY OSCULATION The Base of Future Operation. ten 84099 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK Suppose you Take a Hypothetic Kiss The Position I assume would be like This; It Might Perhaps mean Realistic Curse, And then Again it Might Mean the Reverse ! COO THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- On PREFERENCES one might Express In Lingerie and Fitting Ad-dress. 86 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- I'd Rather have Callers than Cuffs, Though Both of Them Render me Bluej I 'd Rather have Ribbons than Roughs, But Why should that Interest you? GOO 87 COO THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- A WOMAN'S REASON : A Quotation To Put an End to Conversation. -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK I 'm Sure every Word that you say is Absurd; I Say it's all Gummidge and Twaddle; You may Argue away till the igth of May, But I don't like the Sound of the Moddle ! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE CALL: Effect of the Atrocity Of Tales of Juvenile Precocity. THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- For an Hour they've been Saying "Good- Bye," And a Marvel of Patience am I ; 'K I can Handle my Passion Through Gossip and Fashion, But at Mention of Babies I Fly! coo Q I coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE POPLARS : How and Why they Bowed ; A Delicacy Disavowed. Perhaps you might Imagine that the Trees Are Agitated Merely by the Breeze; No, the Lady who so Fat is Has been Eating Garlic Patties And the Poplars are Afraid she's Going to Sneeze! ^93^ THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- ELIZABETH : A Gloomy Story, (Perhaps it is an Allegory). 94 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- There was a Girl. Her name was Liza. She Drank Black Ink. For an Appetizer, She Grew so Thirsty. As she Grew Bigger. That now that Girl. Is a Regular Nigger, 000 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK THE CHEWING GUM MAN : Though it is Mine, Some Say 't was Cribbed from " Frankenstein " (It Is a Little in that Line !) OH, Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann They went an' built a bid Chewin' Dum Man ! It was none o' your teenty little dots Wif pinhole eyes, an' pencil spots, But this was a terribul bid one well, 'T was a-most as high as the Palace Hotel ! An* it took 'em a year to chew the dum ! An' Willie he done it all, 'cept some That Huldy dot her Ma to chew, By the time the head was ready to do. Well, Willie he chewed it for days n' dayi j They brung it to him in dreat, bid drays; An' fast as he dot it dood and soft, Then Wallie he come an' carried it oft. Then he rolled it into a dreat, bid ball, Art he made a-more 'n a MILLION, -in all ! Then Huldy Ann, she spanked 'em flat, An' pinched and poked, an' the like of that, Till she dot it into a dreat, bid hunk My ! did n't Huldy have the spunk ! An' then she sliced one end, half-way, To make the leds ('cause they never stay When you stick 'em on in a seprit piece Seems like the ends was made o' drease !) *1* coo 97 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- An' she slit a arm right up each side I could n't a-done it if I 'd a-tried ! O' course her brothers, they helped her, though, An' rolled the arms and leds out, so They all was smoof, wif roundin' bends, An' chopped the finders inter the ends ; An* when their mother had chewn the head, She went and stuck it on, instead ! An' then, when the man was almost done, They had a norfle lots o' fun j A-walkin' down his stummick was best, To make the buttons onter his vest ! They stuck bid cart-wheels in him, for eyes, His eyes was bof tremenjus size ! His nose was a barrel, an' then, beneaf, They used a ladder to make his teef ! An' when he was layin' across the street, Along come Leir daddy, as white 's a sheet. He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess, An* he did n't know whatter make o' the mess. Then Huldy, she up, an' bedun to coax To have him down town, to skeer the folks ! So her dad, he drabbed him off'n the street, An* Willie and Wallie, they took his feet, An' they dradded him clean down to the Codswell Fountain, An' stood him up as bid as a mountain ! You 'd oughter a-seen him standin' there, A-straddlin' Market Street, in the air ! Well, he stood up straight for a week 'n a half, An' the folks, Dee ! did n't they drin and laugh ! c 98 v&* THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- The boys clumb up his leds quite bold, The dum was so soft that they dot dood hold j The cars run under him, day an* night, An* the people come miles to see the sight ! Well, after he 'd stayed as stiff as a post, Wif his head on top of the roofts, almost, The sun come out o' the fod, one day, An', well, I dess you can see the way That dreat, bid feller bedun to melt ; Imagine bow Willie an 9 W alii e felt ! For first, he cocked his head out, some, An' when the heat dot inter the dum, He slowly waved his arms ahead, An' slanted forrard, just like he was dead ! An' all day long he leaned and bent, Till all expected he would of went An' pitched right over ! They roped the street, To keep the crowd away from his feet, I tell you he was a sight. My soul ! Twice as high as a teledraff pole, Wavin' his arms an' slum pin' his feet, An' a-starin' away down Market Street ! Then what did I tell yer? That blame old head Their mother had made a-seprit, instead, It fell right off and squashed a horse ! ('T was so soft it did n't kill him, o 9 course ! When his hands dot so they touched the dround A hundred policemen they come around, COO IOO C473 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- They stuck a cable-car on to his feet, An' one to his head, a-doin' up street, An* then they pulled him opposite ways, An' they pulled him for days and days and days ! An' they drawed him out so slim and small, That he reached a mile an' a half, in all ! An* that was the end of the Chewin' Dum Man ! For Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann They come along wif a axe, next day, An' they chopped him up, an' duv him away ! NOTE. The Author desires to apologize to the friends of Huldy Ann for the liberties be has taken with the diction in which the *' Chewing Gum Man" and its sequels were first written. It was bis original intention to render these epics in the dialect of the nursery , and he takes this opportunity of reprinting the ballad with the proper spelling, thus fulfling a debt be has too long owed to himself and the beauties of the poem. coo IOI otfo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE RUNAWAY TRAIN: A Pert Creation Of Fancy and Imagination, Fit for the Rising Generation OH, Willie an' Wallie, an' Pinkie Jane, They run away wif a railroad train ! 'T was Wallie dot up the ridiclous plan 'T was most as dood as the Chewin' Dum Man ! Wallie is terribul funny My ! He can make up a face that would make you die ! An' when Pinkie Jane come down to the City, He tried to show off, for she 's awful pretty. So they all went over acrost the Bay To have a picnic and spend the day. At Sixteenth Street they dot off the cars A-drinnin J an' diddlin' so, My Stars ! A Enormous crowd bedun to collect, But nobuddy knew just what to expect. Then up the track come a little spot An' nearer, an' nearer, an' NEARER it dot! But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane Stood right in the road of the Overland Train ! ! ! The folks on the platform bedun to yell, " Look out ! Get offt ! " an' the enjine bell Was ringin' like mad, but them children stood As calm as if they was made o' wood ! And a dreat bid fat man yelled, " Oh, Dolly ! For Kevins Sake, just look at Wallie ! " As the train come thunderin' down the rail The wimmin all turned terribul pale IO2 G0o THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- But Wallie he stood there, stiff 's a soldier, An' then (you remember what I told yer) He made up a horribul face, and Whack ! He skeert the enj'me right off 'n the track ! An' the train jumpt forrards an* squirmed around A-wriddlin' an' jiddlin' over the dround. An' all the people they had to git, For that blame old enjine, it had a fit ! But when the train dot onter the track, Them children they dumb right onter its back. An' they tickled it so that all to once It fetched a lot of shivers and d runts, An' it humped itself way up in the air, An' p'raps it did n't div 'em a scare ! oc*> 103 c-oo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Then it puffed an' puffed, a-faster an' faster, While Wallie sat there, like a old school-master, A-drivin' that train, till I tell you what, You no idea what a nerve he 's dot ! Willie held on to Wallie, an' Jane Held on to Wallie with mighnt an' main. Then they hitched along, like a old inch-worm, With now a spazzum, and then a squirm. But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane, They soon dot sick o' that railroad train ! But when they crawled to the last end car, To jump on the dround, where it was n't far, They dot a heap worse off, instead, For that nasty train, // stood on Its head! 000104 c^o THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK An* they all yelled, " teledrafi Huldy Ann An make her come as quick as she can ! We can't del off! Oh, hurry up, please ! What would we do if it went to sneeze ? " I tell yer them children was in a fix When that mad enjine was doin' his tricks ! But the messenger boy found Huldy Ann, An' she said " I 'm thankful 1 aint a man ! I'll show 'em how!" an' she crossed the Bay An* she see in a wink where the trouble lay. An' she said, " you do, an' you teledraft back For a load o' candy to block the track ! " An' when they sent it, she piled it high Wif chocolate caramels dood ones My ! Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream, Till it looked too dood for a Christmas dream ! 105 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- An' the sun it tnelted an' finished the job Into one dreat eledant sticky dob ! So the train run inter it, lickety-split, An' the cow-catcher stuck, when the enjine hit, An' the tail o' the train flew up and threw Them children into that caramel doo ! They fell clear in, way over their head, But Ann eat 'em out, and sent 'em to bed ! O6 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE HOTEL CARAMEL: A Sweet And Happy Story to Repeat ; Please Not Accuse me of Deceit ! O WILLIE an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann, The same that made the Chewin' Dum Man, Say, what d' you s'pose they done now ? Well, They invented the " Hotel Caramel ! " You see them children, on Christmas Eve, Had PILES o' candy, you better believe ; An* it came an' came all Christmas Day, Too much to eat, or to div away, They never had such 'normous treat ; It filled the house, and it filled the street ! Their uncles were bound they would have some fun. An' everyone of 'em sent a ton ! Their aunts were so fond o' Huldy's brothers, That each was bound to send more 'n the others To Huldy Ann, an' Willie, an' Wallie, An' they ALL sent Chocolate Caramels ! Dolly ! Well, they eat an' eat till the Doctor said If they eat any more they would all be dead. They div a half a million away, But the rest just laid around in the way. Their father was crazy, their mother was mad, An' they said such 'stravadance was too bad ! Then Huldy Ann, she perked up, " Well, Come on, an' we '11 build up a bid hotel ! " Willie an' Wallie they said, " All right," An' they went to work that very night ! THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann, They talked it over an' drew the plan. Then Wallie he copied it on to his slate An' Huldy Ann, she said it was great ! So the day after Christmas they did bedin, An' had the foundations all put in. Willie he took off the papers first, But Wallie's job was about the worst He had to carry 'em up to Ann. It was all very nice when they first bedan j But when the wall was three stories high It took some climbin', but he was spry ; And Huldy Ann laid the Caramel brick "Sn a long straight wall about three foot thick. 000 108 000 -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Well, before it came around New Years Day I tell you that old Hotel looked day ! It was six floors high, wif a dreat front door, An' it had a hundred rooms, or more ! Well, all the children, they came, pell-mell, To endage their rooms at the new Hotel ! They charged the boarders a cent a day, But they turned a more 'n a million away ! Well, it stood all right when the weafer was cold, An' the place was fuller than it could hold ; coo lO coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- But when it dot warmer, then, what d' you think ? The whole front wall just bedan to sink ; It bent an' curved till they all dot scared, For they did n't see how it could be repaired j The floors they hollowed, the walls they tipped, And then all the hotel children skipped ! Even Huldy Ann was some afraid, But Willie an' Wallie, they stayed and stayed. The Hotel Caramel bent each day Till it curved in a most terrifical way ; An' Huldy Ann she implored, but Willie An' Wallie said she was only silly ! Well, one Spring night came a awful rain, And the ole Hotel could n't stand the strain. The roof it melted and ran like dlue In a sticky mess of the caramel doo ; An' the wall collapsed in the hot, wet weafer An' stuck the windows and doors todefer ! An' Willie an' Wallie were shut inside An' they could n't det out when they woke, and tried ! c<90 I IO C0o THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- The floor was up where the wall should be, An' the boys was as sticky as they could be. Well Huldy Ann was scared into fits, And she come quite close to have lost her wits. The folks come running wif yell an' shout And bedun to endeavor to did 'em out ; But Huldy come to, an* thought of a trick. An' sent for the Fire Department, quick. So she got a engine an* turned the hose On the wail of the house, an' then, what d' you s'pose ? Why, it washed the caramel window in, Till Willie and Wallie was wet to the skin. So they soon clum out and dot safely down, To the great relief of the anxious town. But Huldy said, "No more candy for me ! " For the boys was as sticky as they could be ! Well, what to do wif that old Hotel Was more than Huldy Ann could tell ! <*73 I I I COO THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- It would melt all day and then freeze all night, An' lots of the teams would get stuck in tight. It ran an' ran till it filled the town In a dreat bid river all thick and brown. Till they passed a law that no kind of store Should ever sell candy, any more ! For it took two years to clean it away ! An' Willie's uncles, they had to pay ! An' you may not believe it, but sure 's you 're born, Six Caramel trees drew out on their lawn ! I I 2 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK THE LEVITANT: or, How One Gerrish Had an Adventure Quite Nightmare-ish, And Feared that He would Surely Perish. ENOCH F. GERRISH was a " prominent citizen." He had his name in large type in the Directory and in the telephone book. He was often mentioned as u among those present " in the local columns of the dailies. He was a " solid business man," and could be seen any day on Montgomery Street, easily recognizable by his eyes, big as hard-boiled eggs, his paint-brush whiskers and his duck vest, which always had a button missing somewhere about it. He toed in slightly when he walked, but he could afford him- self this and many other eccentricities, for he was rich. But he was most prominent as a member of the Society for Psychi- cal Research, and to the reports of its proceedings he had contributed many bulky and remarkably uninteresting papers collated from the answers to thousands of postal-card cate- chisms sown recklessly abroad. He had tabulated, classified, and commented upon the replies to such questions as : " Have you ever seen a ghost ? " " If not, why not ? " " Has a ghost ever seen you?" etc., etc. His "Diagnosis of the Inter- Phantomic Relations of Sub-Spherical Spirits " had given him prestige in the Society, and on the strength of fifteen thousand words anent " Spectral and Pseudo-Spectral Anthropologia " he had narrowly escaped the election to the Presidency of the body. Yet, like so many of his fellow essayists on these ultra- scientific topics, Mr. Gerrish had never seen a ghost. He had talked with those who had, however, and he had an ^Scs* <&> I 13 060 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- exhaustive lore ready at hand for recital, and when his audience was composed of women, he often made bold to broider the narrative with details of his own invention, and at these times did not hesitate to use the first person construction. Mr. Gerrish was at this time engaged upon a new thesis ; radical, even revolutionary. He was tired of his pose as an amateur ghost-seer, and the luminous idea of making capital out of his failures by using them to prove an original hypothe- sis swelled his vanity. Perhaps this would secure to him the President's chair, and he could have the delight of ringing the u ten minute bell " on verbose essayists. He had often been suppressed himself in this way, and he longed to be on the other side of the table. " Conditions of Levitation and Semi-Nudity in Dream " was the title of his thesis. He worked every night upon the development of his theory, keeping one eye open for spectral visitations, in case his new scheme should prove ineffective. He always kept on the table beside his bed a pistol, a non-explosive lamp (that would n't go out even if overthrown), a watch, a pencil and a pad of ruled paper upon which to take notes of supernatural occurrences. The top sheet of this pad was numbered (i), but it had remained otherwise blank for five months. He cut the " Death Notices " from the papers every day, and pinned them to the wall, near the head of his bed, in order to identify new-made ghosts. The annual dinner of the S. P. R. was held on New Year's eve. Thirteen members were present. The rest were celebrating less riotously. Mr. Gerrish had allowed hints of his latest investigations c^o I 14000 -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK to leak into the after-dinner personalities ; several of the speeches had made mention of the embarrassing situations due to u Semi-Nudity in Dream." Reason demanded an explanation for the outrage so often put upon the sensibilities. Enoch F. Gerrish nearly burst with the efforts to restrain from exploiting his theories, but his policy and an enormous looped watch-chain kept him from exploding. The time was not yet come. He drank like a camel to brace his nerve; he felt that a few leading questions would puncture his resolve and the secret would escape. He ate ravenously of the remnants of the dessert to cover his agitation. He felt that every one was looking at him but only the President was. The President was wondering how a Psychical Researcher could eat so much and live. At the business meeting following, Enoch F. Gerrish was nominated for the Presidency for the ensuing year, but he did not realize it until three days later, when he was notified by the Secretary in writing. He was now too busily engaged with a Welsh rabbit that the President had maliciously manu- factured. The meeting came at last to an end, or at least it tapered off, the members waking up in turn and going home. When Mr. Gerrish left, they were still reading papers. No one was listening. The President was drawing little circles on a sheet of paper with a soft pencil, and the Secretary was making love to his watch. Enoch found his way home with great difficulty and a large stick. He felt as if he had been eating fireworks and they were going off inside of him. The street was like the back of a whale that it was neces- sary to climb, and it seemed to be rolling on a long ground- ed 1 1 ^ THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- swell. The houses circled about him like a merry-go-round. He tried to take his temperature with a little pocket-ther- mometer, but the mercury was all huddled into the top of the tube. Somehow things seemed to be going wrong with him ; he knew that much, but very little more. He did not remem- ber his whole pilgrim- age ; he believed finally that he had accom- plished the stairs, be- cause he found himself at the top. He could not remember whether he had gone through the door of his room, or climbed in a win- dow, but he was inside, and was glad of it. He undressed himself care- fully, and went to bed, thinking he should have done so earlier. He suddenly realized that it was New Year's day, and he at once decided to reform. By this time it was two o'clock, and the Welsh rabbit, like a patriotic set-piece, still burned in his abdomen ; he had almost given up hope, when he fell asleep, but his snoring was so terrible that it woke him up again. He arose un- steadily, and circumnavigated the room in search of cotton to plug his ears. He soon forgot what he was looking for, G00 I l6 <*?0 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- and returned in a bewildered condition to his bed, and began counting, wondering when it would be over. . . . As he reached number thirteen, he opened his eyes. Some- thing was rising out of the bed from between his feet. This did not seem at all right to him, and he was much hurt by the occurrence, until it became evident that it was a ghost. Now Mr. Gerrish was in no condition to entertain ghosts at this time, but he nerved himself for the interview and reached for his pistol and note-book, though he was uncertain which to use first. He tried to decide whether he was more afraid or surprised. He remembered Bulwer-Lytton's distinction between fear and terror, and thought what rot it was. Meanwhile, the phantom was emerging from the bed, or more properly through the bed. Mr. Gerrish rubbed his legs back and forth to see if he could feel the ghost, but he could not. Yet the apparition was sticking through the bed like a brochette. Mr. Gerrish thought this phenomenon interesting, and was about to make a note of it, when materialization of the ghost set in so strongly as to absorb his whole attention. He wondered where he had seen the ghost before, and decided that it was nowhere. He remembered the circus of last year, and the athletes and tumblers at the Orpheum Theater, and concluded that this was one of them. He did not know which. The spectre was dressed in trunks and tights ; he had longish hair, and was much more transparent than was becoming to a person of his size. His eyeballs were conspicuous, and ill placed, and as he hung over the bed like a huge interrogation point, waving his arms, Mr. Gerrish felt that something was about to happen. He felt, vaguely, that he should take the time ; he was sure 090 I 17 c<73 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK that none of the members would believe him, unless he told at what o'clock it happened. The reports of the Society generally gave the hour and minute, and sometimes it had been figured down to split seconds. He looked at his watch, but the hands seemed to be going backwards, and he gave up this detail with a sigh. The horrible part of the affair was that the ghost did not speak. Mr. Gerrish was com- pelled to take the ini- tiative ; six times he endeavored to say something, but as he could think of nothing to say, little came of his attempts. At the seventh effort a volley of words burst from him, filling the room like the explosion of a barrel of firecrackers. When it was over, there was a shocking silence, and he found he had exclaimed : " Ghostly phantom, thing of evil, spectre, demon, spook, or devil, take thy legs from out my bedstead, take thy toes from off my floor ! " Somehow this seemed inadequate, and he began again. The ghost evidently expected something better of him, and still hung swaying over the counterpane, gibbering with gaunt <*73 I I 8 C<90 -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- grimaces. Mr. Gerrish at length began to regain his nerve; the rabbit within him grew more docile, and the spirit of the investigator awoke. "Tell me," he began, "to what am I indebted for the honor? " etc., etc. "Beware ! " said the spectre. "No familiarities, please; I am sent to you to divulge the secrets of ' Levitation and Semi-Nudity in Dream.' This night shall illumine you! Come ! " and seizing the Psychical Researcher by the shoulder, he dragged him to the window, and held him struggling like a kitten, outside the sash. The rays of a decrescent moon varnished the soles of the unfortunate vic- tim's feet ; an errant breeze slickered at his white night- robe, and it was very cold. The spook shook him gently, as one might flap the crumbs from a table-cloth out of the window, and Mr. Gerrish grew green with fear. The pave- ment below seemed miles away. Mr. Gerrish felt rather than saw this. On the other hand, he saw rather than felt the ghost. Suddenly all support was removed, and he fell ! He supposed about five years to have elapsed when he finally discovered that he was no longer falling. It was like a long wait between the acts of a bad play, when one longs to have the suspense over, yet dreads the next sensation. He knew from hearsay that if he reached the bottom he would die. That is, if it were a dream. The question then was, was it a dream ? He could not decide. At length he felt himself in the arms of the phantom > giggling. This gave him, however, no clue as to whethe) he was awake or not. ceo I 19 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK "This is called the 'Sense of Falling,' to which you have already given five hundred words in your thesis," said the apparition. " Oh ! " said Mr. Gerrish, u out it is much easier imagined than described as they say in the story-books." u My next act is Levitation proper," said the ghost, and with the word he sprang into the air. It was, at first, very terrible. Mr. Gerrish waved his arms like a chicken that has been dropped from the roof of a house. He could not realize that he was being car- ried, but he felt the re- sponsibility of his own exertion, and he tried several kinds of swim- ming strokes, using his feet like a woman. He was high in the air before he realized that a mere effort of will was all that was necessary, and once assured, he began to like the sensation. " Do you often do this ? " he asked the spirit. " All the world knows me," was the reply, " though few have seen me. They think they do it alone, and in the day- light they try to remember how it was done." 000 I 2O 00? THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK As he spoke, they passed the top of a steeple. Mr. Ger- rish could not resist the temptation to lay hold of it. To his surprise it felt hard and real, and of a sudden, terror seized him. He perceived his immense distance from the street and became giddy. His normal senses returned to him, and he clung to the pinnacle, just below the vane. Again the ghost left him. He dared not look down again, but embraced the pyramid eagerly, as though he were afraid it might break away from his clutches. He was alone in the sky. He might have been an Arctic explorer at the actual North Pole, for any chance he had of relief. The spire seemed to bend in the wind, and recover its perpendicularity with much difficulty. He felt like a damp shirt that had been hung out to dry, and had been forgotten. He wished to yell for help, but hoped that no one below was looking at him. Some time after the ghost reappeared, and hung in the air as if treading water to keep itself afloat. Mr. Gerrish won- dered if it had been off to get a drink. " If you have had enough of Levitation," said the ghost, " we may continue our investigations." And Mr. Gerrish found himself at home in bed again. But he had by this time ceased to wonder at anything. He would have liked a pro- gramme, so as to know what to expect next, but he had lost a good deal of interest in the proceedings. It was as if he were trying not to listen to a paper being read at a meeting of the Researchers. coo I 21 ceo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- " We shall now proceed to the condition of Semi-Nudity in Dream," remarked the spectre. " But I have had that," objected Enoch. " 1 am afraid I have complicated things, but this will be a simple case. And first I '11 show you what I can do at bed- tipping," and the spectre was as good as his word. The bed rocked like a steamer in the Chan- nel. It soared like an aeroplane* It dived, ducked, danced dropped and doddered like an indecent Pianchette. Mr. Gerrish clung to the rail like the boatswain of a runaway whale- boat. Finally the ghost took the bed upon his head and walked out of the room with it, forthwith. Mn Gerrish tried to be calm, but his head bumped against the ceiling, He held his breath as they crowded through the front door. Down the street they marched in a two-story procession, ghost and man. No one was abroad, but the cocks were crowing n the distance. coo I 22 c0o -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK It was like riding a camel, or swaying in a palaquin of a gouty elephant. Mr. Gerrish felt that he could stand no more, but the worst was yet to come. The ghost planted the bed in the middle of Market Street, and left him, this time for good. Mr. Gerrish waited a long time, hiding under the sheets, hoping it was a dream. At length he peeped from under the covers, and saw, to his horror, that it had begun to get light. The milk wagons began to rumble in the side streets. Worst of all, he was over the slot of the car line, and of a sudden the cable began to rattle over the pulleys. He did not want his bed to be pushed off the track by a Market Street car. A policeman appeared in the vanishing point of the perspec- tive of sidewalks, and walked steadily towards him. Mr. Gerrish decided to wait and see if it were a real policeman. The figure came nearer and nearer. The policeman left the sidewalk and approached the bed, rubbing his eyes. Mr. Gerrish was almost able to read the number on the helmet, when the policeman hesitated a moment in astonishment, then turned and ran like a hen up the middle of the street. He tarned one block up, to the right, and disappeared. A cable car with a red light appeared in the distance, and Mr. Gerrish saw the time had come for action. He left the bed on the track, and walked without dignity toward the northwest. He wondered why he did not run, but a thin fog seemed to blur his eyes, and he had great trouble in finding his way. Every little while he walked off the curbstone, and landed with a nasty jolt. coo I 23 ?o THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- He had never known there were so many streets in San Francisco, and he wished them to remain straight, but they refused. Each street seemed to be tied into a bow knot with six ends. The sidewalks were set obliquely, the cross- ings led back to the same side of the way, so he could never get over. The houses were huddled into the middle of the pave- ment. The gutters ran vertically. He won- dered why. He was in a labyrinth, clad immodestly. He tried to find a latch key, but he had no pocket. He met wayfarers, but they did not seem to notice him. He wondered if his bed would be returned. It was not marked, but Jp3; he thought he might ,". ~'^f*3& advertise for it. Then there was a great blank, as if the whole world had been etherized; and then the void and chaos began to take form. Something looked familiar. Ten pink spots upon the horizon. They were his toes, sticking through the covers of his bed, and he heard himself counting " sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, TWENTY." I 24 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK THE SPECTRE HOUSE: a Realization Of Pseudo-Dematerialization ; Or Better, say Etherealization. MR. ENOCH GERRISH'S paper on "The Cus- toms and Costumes of Ardent Spirits " had ended at last, amid a babel of applause from the mem- bers of the Psychical Research Society. No one had listened, however; they applauded because he had finished. For an hour and twenty minutes Mr. Gerrish had kept them from their annual dinner. They were sorry they had re-elected him president. The dinner began, but to Mr. Gerrish's floating fancy it never really ended. He ate on and on, abstractedly, and from time to time he lifted a glass and drank, without taking off his eyes from the bunch of celery in front of him. He was thinking. It was not the stuffed grouse, nor the leberwurst, nor the mince pie, nor the Burgundy, nor even the bunch of celery that induced Mr. Gerrish's hypnosis. To his mind this dinner was out of place at a meeting of such an important and intellectual society. He was thinking of his next paper, which was to be upon the " Materialization and Demateriali- zation of Inanimate Objects." If the members had known that he was already thinking of another paper, he would have been very much put out. At long intervals, his mind, swimming laboriously through the mazes of his forthcoming argument, rose, as one might say, to the surface of things, and he heard, as if borne from miles away, a song at the other end of the table. He was 000 I 25 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- occasionally hit unaware by a flying jest which exploded in inane laughter. His mind was on other things, though, he still passed his plate mechanically for a fourth helping of pie. An im- pressive company of empty bottles assembled beside his plate. He ate and drank like a machine which some one had started and had forgotten to stop. The dinner did not end ; but the scene changed, somehow, as in a dream suddenly, much as a woman changes the subject of a conversation, and with even less reason. He found himself in the street, walking. He kept in the middle of the street and counted his steps, skipping hundreds without noticing it. He was well into the millions when he reached No. 45 Taylor Street. He walked upstairs backward so as not to wake the baby, crawled through the transom into his room, and disrobed. He got into a Harveyized night-shirt, stiff and brittle, and polished as an ostrich egg, and went to bed. His shirt creaked when he breathed, and he fancied he was still walking, so he kept on counting. Suddenly he sat up and looked about him, for the candle was burning. He was in bed at No. 45 Taylor Street. But this house had burned down last March ! He was sure of that, for he had escaped down a ladder with great difficulty, carrying a pitcher of cold water carefully. The crowd had laughed at him, but he had explained to them his reasons for saving the pitcher, which was, so he said, a last present from his dying mother. The crowd had not believed this. How, then, could he be in No. 45 Taylor Street if the house had been burned down ? Or had it burned up ? There was the hole in the plastering where he had tried to look Gtfo I 26 oCtt THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- through the wall after the last dinner of the society. The pattern of the wall-paper, too, made faces at him, as it always did after he had over-eaten. The house, then, had been ma- terialized ! He reached for the pencil and paper which he always kept at the head of his bed in case an idea or a ghost ever occurred to him. He would make a note of this to use as a datum for his next essay. But the paper and pencil were not there. They never were there when he needed them. He got up and looked out of the window. It was almost morning. A milk- wagon was passing. From the next house came the sound of snorting and a housemaid rattling at the kitchen stove. He turned back to go to bed. There was hardly room enough left to sleep in. The walls had grown translucent and as through a mist he saw in the back yard his dog smelling at the dust-bin. Through blurred, jellylike walls on either side he saw the windows of the coo 128 cso THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- adjoining houses. His own house was fast fading away. The whole front wall, bathed in the rays of the rising sun, had already disappeared ! The ceiling had vanished. With a sudden access of light the entire building melted away and was gone from sight. He could not see the floor though he felt the hard boards still under his feet, and he even ran an invisible sliver into his great toe, remov- ing it with difficulty. He groped his way, as if he were in the dark, feeling for the bed. He found it first with his left shin, and lay down, pulling the covers over him, in the same futile way that an ostrich endeavors to hide itself by putting its head in the sand. The blankets were invisible to the naked eye and useless to protect him from espionage, but they kept him warm. Mr. Gerrish lay in bed feeling very silly, watching the city awake. He dared not attempt to cross the floor, for fear of falling downstairs or out of the window. Walking had been difficult enough that night when the house was visible. What would it be when the floor was gone ? It made him giddy to think of it. He was imprisoned in the atmosphere like a bird in a cage, sixty feet from the pavement. He felt like a fish in a glass aquarium, except that he could not swim. The window next door was opened and the shade drawn. A housemaid put out her hand to see if it were raining. Then she looked up into the sky and saw Mr. Gerrish. Did she think it was raining middle-aged gentlemen in night-shirts ? For a long time she could not remove her eyes ; she was fas- cinated by the sight. She must have thought he was a belated angel who had missed the last train to Paradise. *9* coo I 29 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK To Mr. Gerrish's relief, she vanished, but soon reappeared with the cook. The two did not leave the window till all was over. A policeman next entered the theatre of Mr. Gerrish's misery. The mortified but high-minded gentleman watched through his toes as the officer walked down the street. When he reached Mr. Gerrish's great toe he stopped and looked up at the cook and the housemaid. From these his eyes slowly travelled across the intervening space till they reached the figure of a gentleman in scant attire alone in the air ! "I say, you ! " yelled the policeman, "come down out of that ! It 's agin' the law to sleep out-of-doors ! " Mr. Gerrish waved his hand, feebly, in mild expo-depreca- tion. What was the use of trying to explain the situation ? Who would believe that he was in his own house, in his own room, lying on his own bed, and was at heart as modest as a spinster ? He would like nothing better than to be removed or have the house returned. The policeman began to throw stones at him, but only suc- ceeded in breaking a window. He heard the crash, but saw nothing. It was not till he had broken his own pate against the spectre house that he realized the unique but illegal situation. By this time a large crowd had gathered. The cook and the housemaid had not once taken their eyes from Mr. Ger- rish ; he could feel them staring when his back was turned. The policeman rang in a fire alarm and telephoned for the sergeant. After this things went more merrily. Ladders were brought and leaned against the invisible house, seemingly supported by nothing ; no one dared ascend. Men C0o I 30 coo -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- with axes hacked at the walls, for the door, wherever it was, was locked. A regiment of volunteers was called out to keep the mob in check. The mayor of the city appeared and read the Riot Act from the top of a . four-wheeled cab. Mr. Gerrish watched all this through half-closed eyelids ; he felt the mortifying situation keenly, and pretended to be asleep to hide his embarrassment. At last, after recklessly mounting a ladder, a fool of a policeman rushed in where this angel in a night-shirt had feared to tread. He grabbed Mr. Gerrish in his arms, and after bumping both heads against innumerable obstacles, bore him to the ground amidst the cheers of the now delirious populace. When Mr. Gerrish finally dared to open his eyes and release his grip from the policeman's neck, every one had vanished except the cook and the housemaid ; the house had reappeared as good as new, absolutely opaque in the early dawn. He saw the big black number " 45," but it was not like the house from which he had made such a sensational exit. Then he remembered that No. 45 Taylor Street had been rebuilt after the fire in March. u See here," said the policeman, winking at the housemaid, " you 'd better git back to bed, or you '11 catch cold. I caught you just in time." Mr. Gerrish read 14,000 words on the " Materialization and Dematerialization of Inanimate Objects " at the next dinner of the Psychical Research Society, but no one listened. coo I 7 I -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK SOME PROVERBS: Hard to understand, Though obvious the Moral ; - And PROVERBS PERVERTED: Showing How They were as Truthful Then as Now. Misery Loves Com- pany. Do not Cross the Bridge until you Come to it. Birds of a Feather Flock Together ; or One Swallow does not Make a Summer. Those who Live in Glass Houses Should not Throw Stones. 132 000 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Dog my Love Dog Me ! Light Hands Make Many Work. Bedfellows Make Strange Poverty. Locksmiths Laugh at Love. Company Loves Misery. THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK THE OVAL MOON : Poorly Translated. The Author was Intoxicated ? THERE was an astonishing oval blue moon a-bubble amongst the clouds, striking a sidewise chord of wild, blatant reluctance athwart the bowl of curds with which I stroked her. O Love ! dead, and all your adjectives still in you. A harsh and brittle whisper of a dream a rough, red shadow-ghost of awful prominence welled out and up through all the inharmonious phases of the night. A frog bleated, and turned his toe to slumber. The fringe of despair hung round about my agony ; the stars went mad, the moon that blurred, blue, bleeding moon the very toadstools on the lawn, the close-clipped crust of foamy fire-lit hedge, balked, choking, grey, upon the ring of flame-spent turf. O Heaven and Happy Bard ! O freighted moors, conducive to my ecstasy ! Each unto each was there, all yet was vain ! Now, in this hushed and turbid clime, the rancid relics of the mist are not so gog with hume and spray, as in the rest. Did not the viper hurl his macrocosmic integer in time ? In such wise, I marvelled, might the whole world, peeled thin and narrow in the spectres of the night's reply, go wild and leer in many efforts to be insincere. But, Gosh ! What agony ! The avalanche of superinsistent medroles the pink of pure, prismatic diaphrams, spoldrum and whood all Hell was there, and, weeping, lured me on. So time went out, and came again, and disappeared. I was too proud, too anxious to rehearse my sentiment for this, the <**> I 34 coo THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- dishevelled, procrastinating fear that might have held me. The hotbed of palpitating remorse that drew me (and She, too, with Her heavy hopes ajar) the very thomes of past prog- nostications speeding to subject shams of wide and whooping fantasies Oh ! oh ! oh ! It was too terrible ! There was no nothing there only the semblance of sharp moist scalding epochs, ah, too long unfelt ! The little whining birds that She had known, the windy abyss above us, the Northern Paradox these indeed She had ; but where were sign of the three new- joined Mysteries the things that all applaud forsooth ? I began so slowly, too ; so secretly gaunt in that old world where She had been ! There was a fair old teeming thought, an echo-shape on my horizon, that reeked, and, tempering to its fresh-found tone, bewildered the ashes of the miasmic Past. Yet I belted on new moods, and, as I say, the hurtling phan- tom broke. How could She know what awful riot each red cone awoke ? How could She know ? How could She know ? What ? THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- WHAT SMITH TRIED TO BELIEVE: A Study That Ought to Appeal to Anybuddy. WELL, I come home late that night, near one o'clock, I reckon, and I undressed in the dark as per usual. When I got into bed, I thought it felt as though somebuddy had been there, and when I kicked out my leg, sure enough, somebuddy was there. Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? I '11 go to sleep it 's only a man." But I kinder could n't sleep, so I got up and lit a cigaroot, and I saw the feller what was in bed with me was dead. Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? He won't git over on to my side of the bed, anyway." Well, I fired my cigaroot in the paper basket, and went to sleep. After a while, I thought I smelled smoke, and it was n't cigaroot smoke, neither, but the basket was all afire, and burn- ing like a editor's soul after death ! Well, I thought " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? " coo I 36 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- Well, it looked so bright and comfortable, I thought I 'd get up and read. By this time one corner of the room was going like a runaway horse, and it was nice and warm. After I 'd read about ten minutes, it got so blame hot I could n't stand it, and I got up and went into the next room. I just thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? " Well, in about a hour, there was a big crowd outside of the old house, and they was all yelling u Fire ! " to beat the cars. I looked outer winder. u Jump ! " says a fireman, and I jamp. Then I walked off, and a feller says, says he: "you blame fool, you bruk yer laig ! " Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? " /> coo I 37 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- A PERMUTATI VE SYSTEM : Oh, how Strange Philosophy's Kaleidoscopic Range ! IT may be doubted that any system of thought arranged upon the lines here- with proposed can be a success. The fact of its accomplishment, alone, important as it must be, is no proof of method. For instance, the correct relation between any two facts is one that must be investigated along the lines of thought best correlated to these facts. And in spite of what, at first sight, might be called irrelevancy, there is this to be observed, no matter what bearing the above may have to the sub- ject in hand, that the relation of one part to any other may or may not be true. And here must be noted the impor- tance of the demand that such types of thought do exist. This is, no doubt, a quality of subjects, rather than of rela- tivity between modes of expression. So, too, are questions affecting the expression of coherent symbols of equal importance with the methods by which these symbols are expressed. coo I 38 <**> -THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- But, at the same time, there must of necessity be a certain divergence in form between the types of questions to be discussed. And in spite of what might, at first sight, be called irrelevancy, there is this to be observed, no matter what the above may have to the subject in hand, that the relation of one part to any other may or may not be true. It may be doubted that any system of thought arranged upon the lines herewith proposed, can be a suc- cess. The fact of its accomplishment, alone, important as it must be, is no proof of method. But, at the same time, there must of neces- sity be a certain divergence in form between the types of questions to be discussed. For instance, the correct relation between any two facts is one that must be investigated along the lines of thought best correlated to these facts. So, too, are questions affecting the expression of coherent symbolsof equal importance with the methods by which these symbols are expressed. And in spite of what, at first sight, might be called irrelevancy, there is this to be observed, no matter what bearing the above may have to the subject in hand, that the relation of one part to any other may or may not be true. c<73 I 39 000 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- TRAPPING FAIRIES in West Virginia: I Think I ne'er Saw Fairies Skinnier ! 140 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- SHOOTING WITCHES in Massachu- setts : How Proud each Female Bugaboo Sets ! COO 142 THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- FISHING FOR MERMAIDS in the Pacific : Lord ! Ain't these Naiad Shapes Terrific ? coo 144 coo >o JO ooa THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK- THE MEETING OF A SOCIAL CLUB at Which (The Secretary's Minutes Seem to Show) Proceedings did Not Go Without a Hitch. If you have Ever Been to One, You '11 Know ! SMITH JONES ROBINSON Mr. Smith still held the floor the chair objected to the motion made by Mr. Jones as being out of order. . . . Mr. Robinson, failing to receive his expected support, and not being recognized by the chair, dropped out of the discussion, there seemed to be a general desire to re-open the subject that had been laid upon the table.