f -4 CROCKFORD-HOUSE, y/ RHAPSODY. IN TWO CANTOS. tacitus p;isci si posset Corvus, habcrct Plus (lapis, et rixa> multo minus, inviditcque. HoR. If yonder Crow would build and feed in quiet. He 'd have less noise, less envy — and more diet. A EHYMEE IN ROME. She has her praise. — Now mark a spot or two ^V'hich so muth beauty would do well to cleanse. COWPER, LONDON : JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE-STREET. 1827, LONDON : rniNTEl) BY THOMAS DAVISON, WUITEfRlARS. A, CllOCKFOKD-HOUSE. tacitus pasci si posset Corvus, haberet Plus dapis, et rixae multo minus, invidiaequc. Hon. If yonder Crow would build and feed in quiet, He'd have less noise, less envy — and more diet. CANTO I. 85S761 CROCKFORD-HOUSE. CANTO I. Oft as up St. James's hill I Push along for Piccadilly, There what Cockney-crowds I meet, Gazing, wondering in the street At the chasm in front of Whitens, ^ Strangest, fearfuUest of sights ! Late at night, at early dawning, Still " at alteration yawning,"" - U, CROCKl'ORD-IIOUSE. CXNTO I. I/ikc a mouth in boxing bout, Half its teeth in front knocked out ; Like a breach by miners able Just reported practicable. Where is now the brick and wood AVhich so lately in it stood ? Was it by an earthquake shaken, Or by sudden flames ©""ertaken ? Has the word been given for storming, Is that warlike feat performing ? Have the Radicals attacked it, Or the Vice-Suppressors sacked it ? Has it yielded to a blow, Dealt from Ragget's rival bow ? CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. S Has our Lord the King''s Attorney 'Gainst it armed Sir Richard Birnie, Him who with his stout police Levies war, to keep the peace ? Have the Saints dislodged the sinners From their den of dice and dinners ? Have they, in their burning zeal, Striven to set Destruction's seal On the spot where, night and day. Smoked the altars raised to Play, Braving in their onset bold Satan in his strongest hold. Where their fevered fancy draws Imps with pitchforks, horns, and claws. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. CANTO I. Up to eartli, in countless legions, Swarming from the lower regions? Tell me, any Muse who deigns, Since yon darksome gulf contains Nought but rubbish, — ^jutting boards, Mortar, brick-bats, hods, and hordes. By alternate rain and gust Drenched with mud, or choked with dust. Say what buildings, bad or good. Once within its confines stood ? Here were raised, 'tis years ago. More for use, I ween, than shew, Khidred houses, five or so ; CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. Such as, in those tasteless days, London-builders loved to raise ; Men whose barren fancy ran Always on the self-same plan ; From whose ceilings, windows, doors, Chimneys, passages, and floors, Pride of many a smart abode North and south of Oxford-Road, You might instance in a lecture Every fault of architecture. Ten their rooms, their windows three. All were fashion'd to agree Like the seven Miss Flamboroughs, Who, as Wakefield's Vicar shews,'* CROCKFOIID-IIOUSE. CAKTO I. Clothed alike, on canvas stand, P'acli an orange in her hand. Crockford but sonic gaw k or quiz Here may ask who Crockford is ? Who, forsooth ! The trump of Fame Seldom celebrates a name Through tlie Country, or in Town, Of more exquisite renown. All his coaxing manners praise. All confess his winning ways. Though 'tis plainly seen with one eye He's a dab at making money. Still his taste (one must commend it), Next to getting, is to spend it. CANTO I. CROCKFOHD-HOUSE. Let them hoard their coin who love it, Crockford has a soul above it. Reckless he of cons and pros. Lightly as it comes, it goes. Still ungrudged and unrepented, So his members are contented. He can boast of many debtors. Every one among his betters. Never of a score afraid. Always " blushing to be paid," 'Tis a luxury to owe him. — None, if happening not to know him ; None their imiorance should own, Arguing themselves unknown. 8 CROCKFOUD-HOUSK. CANTO 1. They, perliaps, who love him, wish He had never dealt in fish ; But, excepting when he nabs Higher prey by means of c tabs,* Ne'er he '11 deal in it again, Fisher norv become of men ; One who still, I own it freely, Hooks and nets them so genteelly, That they feel it, as they ought, Quite a pleasure to be caught. There. You have your answer, quiz : NoWf you know who Crockford is. Muse, a couplet more or less Matters not, but don't digress. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 9 You 've the story to relate Of these houses and their fate ; Vou, if any one, can tell Wherefore, and by whom they fell. Crockford, voting Bolton-Row On a sudden, vastly low. And that gentlemen should meet Only in St. James's Street, Broke his quarters up, and here Entered on a fresh career. Promising the scene, and new. — First he purchased houses two ; Then, no sooner said than done. Two were blended into one. 10 cRocKroiin-iinrsK. canto i. Next, in these were heaped together Glass and gilding, silk and leather. All displayed, as Fame avouches, In such mirrors, chairs, and couches, That Morell alone or Talham Worthy were to celebrate Vm. There, while softly perfumed vapours Hovered round the lamps and tapers, In whose beams the INIuse might slumber, Ere she reckoned up their number, All was splendid, all was bright. Basking in a blaze of light Such as emulates the Sun — Still but half his work was done. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. , 11 Eyes were pleased, but Crockford knew Stomachs claim their pleasures too ; And that nine, at least, in ten, Duly polled, of mortal men Think, no matter what the treat, 'Tis but fudge — unless they eat. Hastening, having bribed the sight. To engage the appetite, First, he turned his conjuring book For a spell to raise a cook. Thrice invoked, an artist came Not unworthy of the name ; 12 CllOCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO I, One who with a hand of fire Struck the cuHnary lyre, And through all its compass ran : Taste and judgment marked the man : Ever various, ever new, Was this heav''n-born Cordon bleu. Next, he waved his golden wand. Earth and sea, at his command, Gave their choicest treasures up. That his customers might sup. And his judgment was, in this, Clearly not so much amiss ; CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 1 3 Thirst and hunger, as they say, Being mortal foes of Play. But as high celestial blood Reckons on ambrosial food. Every luxury was there Deemed (to borrow from Voltaire) Superflu si necessaire. Cease, ye pedants, cease to gull us , With the suppers of Lucullus, In his favorite room, the"" Apollo ; — Here Crockfordus beat him hollow ! Art revived, when nearly lost, By his nightly pains and cost ; 14 CROCKrOUD-IIOUSE. CANTO I. Art whicli prized so much of late is, Precious art of supping gratis^ Refuge of the"* undinner''d, hail ! May'st thou never, never fail ! Found by thee in food and wine, Marvel not if some decline Or, perchance, forget to dine. Dinners but inflame the"* amount Of a yearly club-account. Here, whoever sups may crow : Here, we neither pay nor owe. ^lidnijiht sounds ! — "Tis twelve o'clock I See, like pigeons, how they flock CANTO I. CROCKFOIID-HOUSE. 15 From the opera, or the play, Or from f other side the way. Some, when gossip scarce requites Those who linger there, from White's ; Others, little to the cook''s ease. From The Travellers' or BrooMs. Pleased they ply the four-pronged fork, Pleased they free the fettered cork. Where, in rich abundance stored, Every dainty crowns the board, Heaped together, to entice Squeamish tastes, at any price. Some their hunger ill conceal, Bent upon a solid meal. IG CROCKFOIID-IIOUSK. CANTO 1. Oihers carelessly discuss Early peas or ""sparagus : ■"Sparagus, which, passion-stricken For the young and tender chickeii, And, by pitying knife set free From the fields of Battersea, Crowd, in hundreds, to be neai- What they love so fondly, here. Some, to slake their glass of sherry. Dally with the hot-house cherry ; Some at strawberries take their Hing, Which the stout-built wenches bring, While their arms in cadence swing ; CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 17 While, with firm yet cautious tread, Nicely balanced on her head Each conveys her fragrant load Safe along the Brentford-road. Scarcely could the gourmand wish, Or imagine any dish. But 'twas here, at the command Of his eager eyes and hand. While Champagne, in close array, Pride of Rheims and Epernmj, Not in bottles, but in dozens, (Think of that, ye country-cousins !) Stood, of every growth and price, " Peeping forth" its tubs of ice. D 18 CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO I. Hungering now no more, nor thirsting, See them with impatience bursting ! Now to business from re}X)se Briskly every creature goes. Play, with magnet-like attraction, Bids them all prepare for action. Play alone can pleasure give ; Only while they play, they live. Each who is not at his post ^ Thinks a dozen throws are lost, And, in fancy, thumps, while able, Heavily the absent table. Follow to the room adjoining; Now begins the work of coining. CANTO I. CllOCKFORD-HOUSE. 19 " Now," says Crockford, " ye who hanker After gain, behold your banker ! Draw upon me, every man, Freely draw for what you — can. You must suffer me, 'tis true, Now and then to draw on you ; Yet so soft shall be my pull On your purse, when over-full, Still so gentle shall you find it, Ten to one you '11 never mind it." Thus — as Eastern stories go, In Ceylon or Borneo, 20 CROCKFORD-HOL'SE. CANTO l. Isles beneath the tropic breeze, Sparkling o'er the Indian seas, Or, what suits the likeness most, On the Gold and Ivory-Coast, Which, as Slavery's annals tell, Is th' epitome of Hell, Thus the Vampire, ^ giant-bat, "When, perchance, he finds a,Jlaty One who on his back reposes. And is fast asleep, or dozes, O'er the victim gently bending, And each monstrous wing extending, To secure his favorite food. Fans him — while he sucks his blood. CANTO r. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 21 See where light from over-head In one steady blaze is spread On the soft and cheerful green Of the table where they lean ! Think not Nature has the start, Here, or any where, of Art. No. — Let bards, and welcome, sing Green, the livery of Spi'ing ; Here 'tis far more bright and gay, As the livery of Play. What is garden, grove, or mead, To yon oval board, o'er spread With its smooth and spotless cloth, Where (to tell their names I 'm loth) 22 CUOCKFOllD-IIOUSE. CANTO I. Coninioners, and not a few peers, Ilfncr round yon ])air of Croupiers^ Who, all primness and decorum, Heaps of counters piled before Vm, Sit, with loins each night grown weaker, Sit — like Theseus, or the Speaker.'^ Nor sup])ose that, partial grown. They are charmed with green alone ; That no form or shape is able To attract them, but the table. No, — believe me, Avondering Muse, Here are other shapes and hues, Which with extacy they boast of, And delight to make the most of. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOITSE. 23 Ne'er has ivory neck or shoulder So enchanted the beholder, When, perchance, the parted robe Half betrays each rising globe, As the ivory cubes that lie Paired beneath the punter's eye, Cubes in matchless beauty drest, Or in motion, or at rest : Ne'er was any " mole, cinque-spotted," Like the cinques upon tlicm dotted. Talk of Woman's red and white ! Can they minister delight Like the counters in our view. Glowing with the self-same hue. 24 CUOCKIOUD-IIOUSE. CANTO 1. Or which, oVr the vurdant phiin, As the nick succeeds the main, Clad in every colour, pass Like a rainbow over grass. Tell me — (but you scorn to tell, Beaus,) Wherefore, when you shake your elbows, Or with confidence and pluck, Or despairing of your luck, By such various paths you press To the wished-for goal, success ? — INIark the timid and the brave. These how lively ! Those how grave ! Some in silence lose or win, Others deal in noise and din. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 25 One the table loudly knocks, Rattling well Pandora's box, As a dose, before 'tis taken, ^ Long and lustily is shaken. T"* other, by the best advice. Slowly dribbles out the dice. Then, how strange a coalition Fancy forms with Superstition ! When for nine or ie7i they strive. When they aim atfoii)' or Jive, Each adopts a different throw; — Hard for high, and soft for low. Voting every one a fool Who neglects so plain a rule ! 2G CROCKrOUD-nOUSE. caxto I. Be it, wise ones, as you will. Chance is sovereign here, not skill. No design have I to quiz, But, beyond all question, 'tis Six of one, and six's brother Half a dozen of the other. For while all, devoted to her, Soberly or briskly woo her, Fortune deems not either niood, In itself, or bad or good. Hoodwinked she, and nuicli a rover. Yields in turn to every lover, Poor or wealthy, great or small,— And, in turn, rejects them all. CANTO I. CROCKFOKD-HOUSE. 27 See ' the wayward Goddess nods ! Nicks and mains, and bets and odds, Swell and shrink full many a hoard On the wonder-working board. While the ivory tokens fly Swift as weaver's shuttle, by, Pushed or gathered, as they go. By the Croupier's brisk rateau. Precious Ivory ! Those who xcin Deem thee fairer than the skin Manthng o'er the face and breast Of the blonde they love the best. Thee with rapture they behold, Darling deputy of gold, 28 CROCKFOllD-IIOUSE. CAKTO 1. "Which, to make the system sure, Here, enjoys a sinecure. But the hapless wight who loses Every praise to thee refuses. If there \s any thing, in sooth, Sharper than a serpent's tooth, 'Tis, the loser freely grants, 'Tis, alas ! the elephant's. Few indeed recover quite From the symptoms of that bite. First they 're seized with consol-selling. Judgment- signing, timber-felling. Then, as heightens the disease. Mortgages, annuities. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 29 And, what passes all endurance, Heavy, merciless insurance, Crush with overwhelming weight Mind, and body, and estate. Skilful men, when these come on, Deem the patient nearly gone. Jews and Gentiles give him over ; So, since here he can't recover. Off he slyly slips to Dover, Takes to steam, nor feels he rallies Till he 's on the pier at Calais. Muse, enough. — To dwell "'twere folly On a scene so melancholy. 30 CROCKFORD-HOUSE. (ANTOi. Though, to hear and see what's shocking, Crowds on crowds are always flockinir, Sucli catastrophes, 'tis certain, Should be kept behind the curtain ; Though they happen, now and then. And, hy hazard, may again. See, apart where Crockford sits, Or parades the room by fits. Calmly, steadily surveying All the ups and downs of playing ! Reckless of the raging battle, Reckless how the dice may rattle, Who is throwing out, or in, Who may lose or who may win, CANTO r. CllOCKl OllD-HOUSE. 31 Whether they have blanks or prizes, All he equally excises. " "What has he with loss to do ? Sons of Play, 'twas made for you." As, when, by repletion bred, Blood determines to the head, And the patient, night and day, Dreads a fatal plethora. Surgeons, with a ready lancet, On his legs again the man set ; So, when money, like a rocket, Briskly rises in the pocket, Threatening ills like this or worse, From an overflowing purse. ;32 CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. canto I. Crockford comes with gentle jndl. — Lo ! it is no longer full. All superfluous gold and paper Quickly vanisliing like vapour, Drains the sources of expense Down to modest competence. Easy and of short duration, Mostly, is this operation, And if subjects young and strong Sometimes find it sharp and long, Let them reckon up the scrapes He who suffers it escapes ! All the evils which oppress Wealthy men from wealth's excess ; CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 33 All the petty plagues that fret, All the dangers that beset. All the tempters that importune Wretches — with too large a fortune ! Nibbling, nibbling by degrees, Like a rat that gnaws a cheese. Like a child whose grinders make Inroads round a sugared cake, He, whatever the event. Rests " in measureless content." Can you in his conscious face Fail the mighty Lord to trace Of the magic Device and Ace 9 34 CROCKFOllD-HOUSE. CAXTO I. All his loss that throw retrieves ; If tis for him, he receives; If against him, never pays ; Such are Crockford's means and ways. Tlius his victims bear the** infliction Of another Bank-i-estriction. Thus he weaves the nightly spell Which controls the depths of Hell ! Should you, with a view to fence 'Gainst its fatal influence And to parry the disaster, Have a mind to back the caste?; Plain, unerring calculation Bids you dread a worse vexation. CANTO I. CROCKFORD HOUSE. 35 Since Demolvre neatly shews That, wheneVr a caster throws, For that hopeful chance to win, he Parts with fourpence in a guinea ! Thus the punter (though I must rate Those but lazy who illustrate Aught by metaphors so cribbed) is Caught 'twixt Scylla and Charybdis. Cased in armour, cap-a-pie, Thus, whatever the' attack may be, Crockford may defy the table. Thus, he is invulnerable. Ev'n if (as Achilles' heel Fated was, at last, to feel) 36 CllOCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO I. He bhould suffer from a wound, Far from mortal, 'twould be found J3ut a wholesome loss of blood, For his constitution ""s good. Thus, when fickle Fortune fancies To decide against the chances, And there ""s, now and then, a run On his bank, the more the fun. All the backward, now grown brisk, Little care what stakes they risk ; Those who never played before Venture much, and gamblers more. So insurers, oft in doubt How to feel when fires break out, CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 37 Grudge not paying houseless men For their losses, now and then, Who, thus frightened, think it wise To renew their policies ; While the uninsured, by scores. Cluster round the ofRce-doors. But, with envy while we view him, Let us own, in justice to him, That, whatever may be his profit, Crockford makes no secret of it. Every customer allows it ; He to all the world avows it ; Be it much or little, so 'tis ; All are purchasers on notice. 38 tllOCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO I. i3> Idle sorrow, vain repenting, AVJien the victims are consentin AVlio, inflamed, excited thus, By their darling sthmdus, 1'^.ying, to their heart's content, I.ittle more than two per cent, Never grudge the price a tittle, Wondering how it costs so little ! But as Man was never meant (So 't would seem) to be content ; As some void within the breast Still left aching, murders rest; Crockford, prospering thus, and grown Tired of letting well alone. CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 39 Scorns his former fair condition. '5 Mastered by that mad ambition Which though groveling souls abuse, Kindred spirits must excuse ; Since the noblest minds agree In that last infirmity. Now, his pride disdains the scene Of his past success, as mean. " Many were its charms, 'tis granted ; But, when elbow-room is wanted. Premises so small are hateful." — Thus it is, when Man 's ungrateful I 4-0 CROCKFOIID-HOUSE. CANTO I. Houses twain suffice no more. No, — ^lie must and will haxc four; And, precisely as those gay things, Petted children, treat their play-things, In his hurry to enjoy them, Grown impatient to destroy them, Has a crotchet in his head. To adorn yon gulf, 'tis said. With a Palace in their stead ! From the gains of many seasons, Thus, misguided man, he reasons. — " Say that, of a given size, Houses yield a given prize, CANTO I. CllOCKFORD-HOUSE. 41 Make them twice as big — I touch (Witness Cocker) twice as much.'" But, when premises are liollow, False conclusions ever follow. Oft such arguments conceal Guns with springs, and traps of steel. Though 'tis strange to find a trick Lurking in arithmetic, Strange, that fallacies should be Even in the rule-of-three. Oft, 'tis clearer than the Sun, Two and two make — only one ! Truth concealed from ages past, Scarce revealed to ours, at last. G 42 CllOCKFORD-HOUSE. CANTO T. But "tis time to be unyoking. See the horses"' collars smoking ! You, the humble ^ai;- who spurn, Used to '•'■Jirst and second iurn,''^ Who, as on wWiJbur ypu rattle. Vote that mine are sorry cattle, Know I 'm loth to overrate them ; But, if here allowed to bait them, Thev shall travel, I'll engage. Lame or not, another stage. Reader, shall their strength be tried .'' \\"\\\ you, metaphor aside. If, perchance, you have not guessed What 's to follow, learn the rest ? CANTO I. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 43 Will you hear the' unfinished story Of aspiring Crockford's glory ? Ere my hand the veil withdraws Let me but a moment pause, And, recruited, I 'm the man to Tell it, in another Canto. CANTO 11. C R O C K F R D - H O U S E, CANTO II. Rouse your spirits, Muse of mine. Though the feeblest of the Nine, There's no saying how 'twould hurt me, Goddess, should you now desert me. Since so lovingly we Ve travelled On together, don't be gravelled, But conduct a grateful friend Safely to his journey's end ; Clear awhile your clouded brow, And, if ever, help me now. 48 CROCKFORD-HOUSE. canto II. In some tiny shape again Settle on my IJraniah-pen, Or, still kinder, near me stand, Large as life, and there command^ All the motions of my hand, Lest the bard's unworthy song Do the matchless Hero wrong. Tell me, when o"'erwcening pride Lured him to a scene untried. When it hurried him astray From a safe and noiseless way. To the dangerous heights of Play, CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 49 Tell me what the valiant Cid Of St. James's, Crockford, did. How he spurred his desperate soul Onward to the destined goal. Thanks to many a luckless caster, Houses Jour now called him master. Still (since never mortal gained All he wished) njifth remained. Where the men of rub-a-dub, Left without a foe to drub, Long had held their peaceful club ; And, disdaining to be sold. Spurned our Hero's proffered gold. H no CROCKFORD-HOUSE. CAXTO ll. Strange, when soldiers disobey, And refuse to move for pay ! Crockford, in a case so new, Puzzled felt what next to do ; But, though formed for soft persuasion INIore than open bold invasion. Driven at last to change his course, Foiled at fair means, took to force. As some " losel," to possess Her who scorns his soft caress. Long in vain of money lavish, Wickedly resolves to ravish. Thus he on the luckless building Forced the pill without the gilduig. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 51 Baffled and enraged to find it Curbed his fanc}'^, and confined it. He attacked and undermined it. Armed with pickaxe, crow, and spade, Such a rent this Casca made, That, as dawned the wintry day, Rocked awhile with side-long sway. Joists, and floors, and beams gave way. Every story, every wall, Nodding, tottered to its fall. Ousting husbands, children, wives, Just in time to save their lives. Many a neighbour by the shock Startled, woke at seven o'clock. 52 CllOCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO ll. Many a stranger hoard from far, a Sound like that of Niagara. Haunts beloved of fife and drum, Down, in thunder, down you come. And witli ruin far and wide Strew the gulf on every side ! Passenger, I need not ask. Would it be an easy task Now, to trace a feature clubbish. In yon heap of dust and rubbish. Ne''er before had household-gods Struggled with such fearful odds ; By the sudden revolution. Worse than sheriff's execution. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 5.' Scarce was left within the house Shelter for a man or mouse ; Reft of every stick within it, 'Twas unfurnished in a minute ; While, perchance, some broker sly Marked the goods, in passing by. Thus projected, with amazement, Longing for a fair appraisement. While, in spite of many a prop, Hoby trembled for the shop Where his matchless boots are sold. Nearly for their weight in gold ! Is it thus that Fate rewards Deeds like yours, ye dauntless Guards ? r>^ CROCKFORD-HOUS^:. CANTO II. Must you, bearded in your camp IJy a foe of Crockford's stamp, See him in your quarters dwell, In your very citadel ? Must your trials never cease, Spared in war, to fall in peace ? Yet, while, club-less, you bemoan AValls so suddenly o'erthrown. Gratitude should check your tongue ; For, had such a mine been sprung At an earlier hour or later, By that merciless Abater, Had the Fates, his will obeying, Caught you dining, supping, playing. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 55 Neither fortitude nor fliglit Had availed you — Men of mif^ht, 'Twould have sealed your doom outright I All had perished, flesh and bones, Maimed and lifeless, on the stones, All from cards or billiards hurled Headlong to another world ! Thalaba, thou Arch-destroyer, Do, consult a clever lawyer. Let him be an able varlet, For the Red-coats must have Scarlet. Therefore, to avert your doom, Be advised, and " buy a Brougham.'''' 56 CROCKFOKD-IIOUSE. CAKTO II. One whet's never to be bought But in cases where he ought, Where, I fancy, those who try him Find it well worth while to buy him. Vo2c may laugh at such a trespass, But 'twill never with the Mess pass. Law, like war, affords an action ; Guards-men, though a fighting faction, May contrive to calm their fury With the verdict of a Jury. Mischief done there 's no undoing ; X'engeance in their breast is brewing, And, whatever you may say for't, Ten to one, they '11 make you pay for 't. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 57 Still, though awkward is the scrape. There's a loop-hole to escape From its trouble and vexation. End the suit by arbitration, ]Mie;ht I venture to advise ; For a sudden compromise, Breaking out between the parties,^ Wormwood to the' Attorney's heart is. But if you are over-bold For my counsel, — if you hold That submission in a hero Lowers him, at once, to Zero, Luckily there yet a charm is, (Though, in trespass vi et armis 58 CROCKFORD-HOUSK. CANTO ll. Damages are often heavy), Ere the Sheriff makes his levy, There 's a charm to save you still — Crockford, you may file a bill. Law to equity must yield ; Equity, that Gorgon-shield, To the liveliest suitor shewn, Stiffens him at once to stone. Bring the haughty warriors down, Make them truckle to the Gown ; Folks like you have no compunction, Only move for an injunction, And with charges so involve it, That no answer can dissolve it CANTO II. CllOCKFORD-HOUSE. 59 If they stir an atom faster, Have them up before a Master, Ply them well with forms for fudge meant, Never let them hope for judgment; And if, eager in the suit, On they rush to seize the fruit. As on cattle does a lion. As on Juno did Ixion, Let their arms, in vain held out. Only clasp a cloud of doubt, Raised, to check their daring love Of dispatch, by Chancery"'s Jove ; While the' avenging pangs they feel Of his slow-revolving wheel. (>() rROCKFOllD-IIOUSE. CANTO II. Tliiiik what anguish and surprise, jMinglecl, in their Iwsoms rise. Chill their hearts, and glaze their eyes, When my Lord, to cure their vapours, Talks of talcing home the papers, "Where, perchance, his Lordship weighs them, Reads perchance, — perchance mislays them ! Term by term, and day by day, Wear their patience thus away, Till arrives that consummation Of their woe, the long Vacation. Drained by sums already lost. Scared by dreams of future cost. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 61 You may curb these men of war With theu^ own Solicitor ; Or, if Fortitude endures Aught more terrible, with yours. Think, if these should charge together On the baffled suitors, whether Proof there 'd be in gun or blade 'Gainst two Chancery-bills unpaid ! Thus tormented let them be ; Feeing ever, still to fee, For a lingering last decree ; While till doomsday off you stave it With a special affidavit. G^ CROCKFORD-HOUSE. CANTO ll. Think in oaths what magic spells lie ! Tliink of Beaufort versus Wellesley ! Friends and foes you may defy, Thus intrenched in Chancery. 'Tis like Doubting-Castle, where Dwelt that giant-form, Despair, Save that all the luckless clients, Though his namesakes, are not giants, But, by heavy fees exacted, Into pigmy-forms contracted. Can a standard here be planted ? Hence, avaunt ! — The ground 's enchanted. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 6S Warlike engines are in vain, Storm, or sap, or coup-de-main." Guards, you might with less ado, Win a second Waterloo, Than a victory achieve Hei-e, without the Conjuror's leave. He can keep you all at bay With one magic word — Delay. Send you to the right about By two syllables — / doubt. So impregnable a fort Ne'er held out as Eldon's court, Europe"'s armies would be beat Matched with EHon, ondi—the Fled! Gi- CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. canto ll- But it matters not a straw Whether Equity or I^aw, (Blessings botli, but somewhat dear) Concjuers, or is conquered here ; If the Man of dice and cards Proves too many for the Guards ; Or if they, of life and linil) Prodigal, should master him ; If, in short, the case that's strongest Triumphs, or the purse that's longest. These are trifles, light as air, Little worth our Hero's care. Crockford, conscious of the readij, To his darling purpose steady, CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 65 Nay, each hour determined more, Having ruined, to restore, Hastes to be a man or mouse, Made or marred, at Crockford-House. See, the destined ground is cleared ! See, the scaffolding is reared ! Carts on carts the gulf environ. Fraught with timber, stone, and iron. Piles of bricks from every quarter Pay their court to hods of mortar, And, in spite of wintry weather. Lovingly are linked together. K CG CllOCKFOKD-IIOUSK. CANTO II. Welcome (here 's a fig for lawyers) Masons, carpenters, and sawyers. Heaving, pulleying, chipjjing, craning, Thuniping, hammering, and planiiig, Never grudging, night or day. Double tasks for double pay. Soon shall spring (for Crockford dashes), Like a phenix from its ashes. Like a rising exhalation, Such a plan, and elevation ! Such a fabric, such a building. Rich in marble, stucco, gilding, CANTO II. niOCKFORD-HOUSE. 67 Pannels varnished, mouldings burnished ; All so fitted up, and furnished ; Monstrous hive for making honey ! Tempting trap for catching money ! But while, mushroom-like, it grows, Folks get frightened, and suppose That, for ends so full of evil, Crockford 's dealing with the Devil ; And, from greediness of pelf, To that fiend has sold himself Who will, at no distant day. Claim, and carry him away ! 68 CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO II. They down-face you that liis master Scarcely for himself built faster, When he of metallic scum Fashioned Pandemonium,^ Than his slave, they can't tell how, Builds, as if by magic, now ; So that any one may spy Satan's finger in the pye. Thus, they add, as if they ""d seen 'em Sign the deed, it runs between 'em. That of masonry or brick-work, (Being anxious to make quick work) CANTO ir. CROCKFORD-HOUSi:. 69 Crockford covenants to lay Certain cubits every day ; Stipulating so, they guess, Just to save appearances ; While the Devil, maturely weighing What the house is meant for — playing, And that then and there, the guests Most perform his high behests, And promote his interests, Duly promises to lay, (Reckoning on the"* aforesaid Play), Every night, in order true, For each Crockford-cubit, ^zc'o.'* Both performing thus in turn, To complete the whole concern, 70 CROCKFOllD-TIOUSE. CANTO II. As agreed, if not so soon As tlic tnd of iNIay, in June. To the contract, as it stood, Crockford set his hand in blood ; Satan, with a pen of flauic Dipped in sulpliur, did the same. " Sealed," quoth Satan. Crockford shivered As he stammered forth " delivered."" And his terror scarce was banished When the other party — vanished! Such the tale, of little credit. 'Twas a burning shame to spread it ; CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 71 To encourage a report So malicious ev'n in sport. 'Twas a calumnj^ for spite meant, And, if dealt with by indictment, Though 'twere true as is the Bible, More, on that account, a libel. Say the jury, on their oath, 'Gainst the Devil and Crockford both. I, for one, though some receive it All for gospel, don't believe it ; Or that any sprite but Mammon Helps him on.— The rest h gammon. Yet, my friend, though he and you Never had an interview ; 72 CROCKFORD-IIOrSE. CANTO 11. And hereafter, as I pray Most devoutly, never may ; Though no demon-spell has bound you, Dangers here, on earth, surround you. Pause a moment, Crockford, pause — Break, but do not brave the laws ; Out-manoeuvre, or out-buy them ; But 'tis madness to defy them. Though their silence, long and deep, Plainlv shews them fast asleep, Be not by their slumbers led To imagine they are dead. Fear their renovated vigour, Fear their threatened " utmost rigour," CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 73 Which, near covers and preserves, Frowns aloft, to try the nerves Of those pestilent encroachers On all rural bliss, the poachers, In the yearly war which peasants Wage with gentlemen, for pheasants. If the legal lion rouses, How you '11 mourn your vanished houses ! When th' expounders of the Laws Grant a mlefor she-co'mg cause^ And to court you trembling go. Conscious you have none to shew, How you '11 wish yourself again Safe Avithin that modest den i crockfokd-iiousp:. canto n. Where your dextrous course you shaped So discreetl}-, and escaped From such perils as, in print, 'Twere ungracious ev'n to hint ! Now, pursuit may well grow warmer ; Now, you are your own informer. Wherefore all this fuss and flourish ? Friends are lukewarm, foes are currish. Those would, hardly stir to right you ; These move heaven and earth to spite you. Make not such a noise and shew : If so loud your trumpets blow, Dread the fate of Jericho. CANTO II. CROCKFOllD-HOUSE. 75 At their sounding, every wall Of your citadel may fall. Take my counsel, do not brag ; Keep your cat within her bag; Comely whiskers, velvet paws, 111 conceal her teeth and claws. Nought avails her coat and purring, If she keeps the mice from stirring. ' With so nourishins: a diet Can't you chew the cud in quiet ? Unmolested would you eat Never, never, cry roast meat ; 76 CUOCKFOllD-IIOUSK. CANTO li. Nor, at meals, proclaim aloud Plenty to a hungry crowd, ^^'ho begin, perhaps, by staring, But, at last, insist on sharing. While you summon many a guest In your pompous halls to feast. Tremble at the Bow-Street Harpies, With their nails unclean, and sharp eyes, Birds obscene, whose sight and touch May not please you over-much. Here, I fancy you replying By a truth there ''s no denying, " Men have gambled, and they will. Spite of lectures, gamble still. CANTO 11. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 77 So that any speculation Has, in Play, a sure foundation." Granted. — But in every case, Pray consider time and place : If you weigh not manners, men. Where you lay your traps, and xvJien, Your conclusion's not exact. — Still, by long experience backed. Still, your mqjoj- is a fact. Wise and simple, grave and gay. Have been lured and led away Captives, by the charms of Play. There ""s no punishing or shaming Certain people out of gaming ; i CllOCKl'OllD-HOUSE. i ANTO II. 'Tis among the plagues tliat ravage Countries civilized and savage, In its blind, impartial rage Sparing neither sex nor age. Here, 'tis a resistless passion, Tliere, a pastime or a fashion. Some it maddens and bewitches With the hope of sudden riches: Some would fain, because too well off, Stave Ennui, that demon-spell, off; And by Play's excitement strive Just to keep themselves alive. Moralists may preach or wonder ; 'Tis as ancient quite as thunder. CANTO II. CllOCKFOKD-HOUSE. 79 Nor imagine that the vice Is confined to cards and dice ; That its power is felt or shewn In saloons or clubs alone. Practised our desires to move In as various forms as Love, Shifting to a hundred shapes, Here some grave pursuit it apes ; Here performs some sordid task In a domino and mask. All who, dashing, over-trade, All by whom a wager 's laid ; All who deal in those affairs Called, from sharing nothing, — shares, 80 CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO il. (As a grove all classic men do Lucus term, a non lucendo) ; All who would their incomes double, By some specious two-faced bubble, And secure, by hums on hums, Bonuses and premiums ; All the bulls and bears that range, Shaped like men, the Stock-exchange, And, without remorse, would martyr Half mankind for half a quarter ; All who, preying on the nation, Call their rapine speculation ; "Who by accident advance, And in all things trust to chance ; CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 81 Scheme-contrivers, money-scramblers, All are errant downright gamblers. Who, but smiling, hears and sees Folks Hke some at least of these ; Thus untouched by love of gold. Thus " in conscious virtue bold,"" With uplifted hands and eyes Feigning anger, or surprise ; With severe and Spartan air Sitting in the moral chair ; When at others' motes they scream. With their own enormous beam ; M S2 CROCKFORD-HOUSE. < axto II. ^Vhex\ they dare the lash to lay So relentlessly on Play, And to wonder what retards God"'s revenge on dice and cards ! Softly, Stoics, if you please. Trvith, profaned by lips like these, Sounds but like a lottery-puff. I'lay, we own, is bad enough. With its see-saw loss and gain; — Every mischief 's in its train. In the human breast, we grant 'Tis a poisonous deadly plant, CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 83 One whose growth is sure to smother And overshadow every other ; As for miles round Java's Upas, ('Twont among us, now, for true pass) Nothing, as the fable goes, Either moves, or breathes, or grows. Arm against it Woman's beauty, Love, Ambition, Fame, and Duty, Play, unconquered since the Fall, Play \vill triumph o'er them all ! ""Tis no easier to defend it, Tlian by any law to end it ; Vain attempt, and sure to fail. 'Tis Like a host of other frailties. S4 CROCKFOllD-HOUSE. CAXTO 11. Wliich, if rooted up, no doubt, We should better be without. But are Doctors such as these I'it to combat the disease ? Men who, in a different form, Hug the vice at which they storm ? May n*'t we whisper to these elves, Sage physicians, cure yourselves ? Others justly may condemn Who offend not, but in thevt 'Tis, whatever the pretence, Sheer, unblushing impudence, If its real name you want : — Sheer hypocrisy and cant ! CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 85 Be it then as you contend. — Play, no doubt, my venturous friend, Is an universal passion ; Still be cautious, while you dash on. What a scheme you risk your cash on. Freely, we confess, you bleed, And would, ten to one, succeed. Were the"" adventure French or Flemish ; But, at home, weVe somewhat squeamish ; Not what is, but what appears^ Here, alarms our eyes and ears. While the question we are blinking, And, as is our custom, winking Hf) riincKroiiD-HousE. canto ii. Hard, though manifest tiie case is As the nose on all our faces, Crock ford, arc you not a ninny, an Errant, reckless Cartliaginian, Thus our Roman eyelids paring, At your deeds to set us staring, ' When, through indolence or kindness. We've so long been shamming blindness.'' If you, for your strange vocation. Not content with toleration^ Aim at Jiill emancipation, If you from the monster, Play, llashlv tear the veil away. CANTO ir. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 8'; As the' impostor-prophet cast His, in triumph, off at last ; (So 'tis written in that book Of enchantment, Lalla Roohh) ; Should you, to unseal the eyes Of its abject votaries. Treat them even to a glance Of its hideous countenance, Crockford, while you ape Mokanna, Dread the Acts of George and Anna ! ^ Wherefore hurry up a mansion Of such splendour and expansion. Wherefore build so proud a fane To the greedy God of gain ? 88 iRot'Kroun-iiorsE. cavto ii. Nursed in darkness, scared by light, Play should, here, plajj hast in sight. And, ensconced behind a screen, If it blushes, " blush unseen." Though, from |X)licy or chance, It has thriven, and thrives in France, Where unbroken custom backs it, Law permits, and statesmen tax it ; Crockford, even yon must grant. Here, "'tis but a sickly plant, Stunted oft, and oft laid low, Bv the nipping squali.s tliat blow, Fitful, from the Street ofBoxc. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 89 Ev'ii our darling shares and tickets. Long afflicted with the rickets, Lingering, spite of many a vote. With the rattles in the throat, After all their struggles past, Calmly have expired at last ; And there's left not breath enough In the Lottery — for a puff! Wherefore conjure up accusers In the testy tribe of losers. Who compose, your annals say, Just nine-tenths of those who play ? N 90 CROCKroKn-iiousE. canto ii. Why instruct the tliickcst skull In the secret of the jmll ? Are vour customers so dull ? Who can doubt, but Nature's fools, From the value of the tools, And the instruments they see, What the precious work must be ? Something you were known to touch. But we never dreamed hoic much. Nor, till such a pile was shewn us, Guessed the value of your bonus. Ever}- brick and stone that's laid, Whispers of your prosperous trade : CANTO II. CIIOCKFOHD-HOUSE. 91 When we see yon walls aspire Higher every day and higher ; When we view that stately front, Ominous to those who punt, Parting, by some scores of feet, Hoby's boots from Bennet-Street, This, at once, the veil withdraws ; From th"* effect we judge the cause, Sure that all the boundless cost, Gained by you^ by us was lost. He^ the Chief, whose armies went Roug-h-shod o'er the Continent, Who, insatiate of renown, Thrones and Kingdoms crumbled down, J)!2 CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. CAXTO ll. Deeming he had nothing gained While unconquered aught remained, By the flames of Moscow crossed Mourned his fame and empire lost. Vou, though all confess your sway, Sovereign o'er the realms of Play, Crockford, if youVe wise, refrain From this dangerous new campaign. Spite of your achievements, tremble Lest 7/our fate Jiis fate resemble, Lest the Palace in our view Should a Krcmlhi prove to you. What though, beaten, you surrender? We are ruthless and untender. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 93 And have Forts, within a mile, Strong as St. Helena's isle. Mighty Man of cards and dice, Take a real friend''s advice ; One who, though he never threw in, P^ain would shelter you from ruin. Mine 's a maxim soon expressed, Loss the first is loss the best. Don't, or I shall think you mad. Throw good money after bad ; Don't, thou prodigal of purse. Farther go, to fare the worse ; On the precipice's brink Still you 've time to pause and think. Di CllOCKI'OllD-HOUSE. CANTO 11. If your noddle be not too dense For a single grain of prudence, Now, your self-command recover, One step more, and all is over. - Haste, ere Winter yield to Spring, Haste, and strike your scaffolding. Though you ^'e set the World a gazing At the structure you are raising, Though so proud an elevation Makes what 's called — a strong sensation, Keeping, like the Funds of late. People in a " feverish state," Let it, like the Bear and Fiddle, Off be broken in the middle ; CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOITSE. 95 Let the speculation drop ; Bid your swarming workmen stop ; They may grumble, sneer, or scoff", Never mind, but pay them off". Or, should pausing here, perchance, Cost as much as to advance, 'T would be easy to diminish Your expenses, ere you finish What you rashly mean to build — Ere its destiny 's fulfilled, Ere to such a size you swell it, Un-hedevil, and un-hell it, From a Play-devoted cavern To a club, hotel, or tavern. 96 CROCKFOllD-IIOUSE. can'TO ii. Crowning thus St. James's heights, 'Twill be popular; and Whitens, If you delicately break it To the Managers, and make it Wortli their while, perhaps may take it. Not intending to distress you, Not in malice I address you. Little wisdom lies in scorning Mine, a well-meant friendly warning. Dread yon treacherous hollow sea, Dread the breakers on your lea ; If you would not be the sport Of foul w eather, make for port ; CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 97 Or, in plainer words, retire To your snug domestic fire ; To your safe and tight-built ark, Anchored in the Regent's Park. Wherefore dread too still a life ? You have children, and a wife ; Can'*! you trust to her for strife ? And to little girls and boys, Romping up and down, for noise ? Scarce, amid these " natural shocks," Need you miss the dice and box. Or, in scenes so little dull, Murmur, though you lose the pull. o 98 CROCKFOIID-IIOUSK. CANTO II. There, aloof from tradesnieirs bills, Gaze upon the Sister-hills; Musing, as you lift the gash. On M'Adam, and on Nash. And when Eastern fogs and blights Mar these innocent delights, When encroaching smoke from Town Bids you pull the window down. Then, for sweet discourse you '11 find, With a neighbour to your mind, Subjects tempting to dilate on ; Such as we can all debate on. Sheltered then from wind and rain. Talk of Portugal and Spain ; CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 99 Of that driveller in command Over bigots, Ferdinand ; Of the Lisbon-constitution, Problem of no quick solution ; And at your discretion mix These with corn and Catholics; AVith protections, prohibitions, Fierce debates, and strong petitions. Next, discuss, for a cephalic, Notes and currency metallic ; Or the crisis which portends War 'twixt rents and dividends ; War, where moneyed men or landed r Must be scratched, and may be stranded. TOO CROCKFORD-IIOUSE. CAXTO TI. Hopeful topics such as these You may handle at your ease ; Topics, on wliich every mother's Son may bore himself — and others. Or, if later in the year, Posting down to Cambridgeshire, On whose plains, by Fortune's care. You Ve another pied-a-terre, Lay your bets, and hedge, and lark it With the jockeys of Newmarket ; With your wonted welcome greeting, Every Spring and Autumn-meeting, All the dear familiar faces Seldom missed at any races. CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 101 • So no Big-wigs shall alarm you,^ And no info7"mation harm you ; So shall duns unpaid forbear you ; So shall nothing ill come near you ; So, whatever you spend or save. Peace and safety shall you have. Lay no longer on, Macduff, Prudence whispers, " hold — enough !"" Do what every creature tries . To accomplish — realize; And, intent on winding up, Take no heed how people sup. Let them bet, and win, and lose, How, and when, and where they choose; 102 CROCKl'ORD-IIOUSE. CANTO II. Let ilicni celebrate their orgies In St. James's, or St. George''s; Ik' they many, be they few, So they harbour not witli you. Muse, the rambhng course weVc run Might be lengthened, but I 've done Gently, as I hope, my task ; — And if sterner critics ask, Deeming, in a case like this, Whips and scorpions not amiss, CANTO II. CKOCKFORD-HOUSE. 103 Why I have not thought it fitter For my purpose to be bitter ; Have not opened every sluice Of all possible abuse (Since good counsel's thrown away) On the votaries of Play — Hear my answer. Nought reclaims People less than calling names, Be it with the pen or tongue, Be it written, said, or sung. Since, could any vice or failing Have been rooted out by railing, We, though men in outward shew, Had been angels lonff ago. 104 CKOCKFORD-IIOUSE. CANTO II. They who deal in " speaking daggers" Have no reason to be braggers Of success in what they do ; What's so very easy too Has no chance of being new. Every one can be abusive : There 's no privilege exclusive To protect their hopeful labours, Who, in shelving ttp their neighbours, ^lingle truth enough with lies, In their batch of calumnies. Just to make the ferment rise. None can fail, and none excel Is On that paltry peal of bells CANTO II. CROCKFORD-HOUSE. 105 Through whose belfry he who ranges, In a trice, may ring the changes. Reader, if you 're not with me, Listen to another plea. Could I sweep, from Earth, away Every Proteus-form of Play ; Could I wield, in such a cause, All the thunder of the laws, And to death, or stripes, or fetters. Doom its aiders and abettors. Hunted so through every shape. That no culprit should escape. Think what ruin would be hurled On the heads of half the World ! 106 CROCKFOKD-HOUSE. CANTO II. No, if justice must be done, Let it be on all, or none. I, averse to kill so many, Point no blunderbuss at any ; But, contented to resort To less murderous arms, for sport. Pepper, since they can't be all shot, Those that crow the most, with small shot. ^Vherefore should I scold and rate, Like some nymph of Billingsgate, Those who, slaves to cards and dice, Revel in their favorite vice ? Wherefore, by so fierce a tone, SjX)il their temper and my own ? — CAXTO II. CROCKFOKD-HOUSE. 107 Can I thus reform produce ? Who grows moral from abuse Destined, now-a-days, to fall, Like th' impartial rain, on all ; Like the evils every creature Suffers from our common nature. Whether innocent or not, Every one must stand that shot ; Must an epidemy bear " General as the casing air." Wherefore, when the laws are broken. Brand the' offender with a token. Who, like old Astolpho's groom, ^ Shorn, and trembling for his doom. 108 C'JlOCKrOllD-IIOUSE. CANTO II Comes, and slyly, in the dark. Sets on all the self-same mark ? To be vilified and hissed Yoii have only to exist. 'Tis the atmosphere we breathe in ; ""Tis a cauldron all must seeth in ; 'Tis a plague-spot in the Land ; all Suffer from, or deal in scandal. For, since Avarice first and Spite Ured that wolfish Appetite, Stalking through the world 'tis seen Like the Monster Frankenstein^ And, however loathed and hated, Muat be fed, when once created. CANTO II. CllOCKFORD-HOUSE. 109 Libelled, on pretence of news, Scourged by critics in reviews. Each is in his turn a martyr By the day, the week, or quarter. Once you hardly felt their lashes, Screened by friendly stars and dashes, Or, what cloked the mischief better, Only here and there a letter. While the meaning thus was muzzled. Many a Beau was sorely puzzled Whether 'twas a word to say, Or a Sum in Algebra. " Plastered rubric on the walls, Now, you stand in Capitals." 110 CROCKFOllD-IIOUSE. CAKTO ll. There, your name, no lustre lacking, Shines like Hunt's or Warreii's blacking. Or like him of cures so speedy Safe and secret — Dr. Eady. Since these Heroes of the pen War with women thus, and men. Since their viewless arrows strike Every head and heart alike. Why should they have power to vex. Grieve, or injure either sex ? Thus from post to pillar hunted. Patience tired, and feelings blunted, Say, what armour of defence Have we but — indifference ? CANTO II. CROCKFOIID-HOUSE. Ill But to live unhurt in slander, As, in fire, the Salamander ? Reader, he what you appear. Keep your fame and conscience clear, And, regardless of their frown Laugli, or rather live them down. If encompassed Avith a skin Somewhat sensitive and tliin. At their stripes you ever winced, Steeled at length, at length convinced That, with many faults or few, (Since whatever you say or do They are certain to condemn) You 've no chance of pleasing them, 112 CROCKFOllD-IIOUSE. CANTO II. Scorn to taste the poisoned chalice lifted to your lips by Malice; Let no slanderer stir your bile, Head his libels with a smile, Or unheeded on the shelf Let them lie, and — i^\ea.?,c yourself'. T.S NOTES. CANTO I. Note 1, page 1, lilies 4, 5. wondering in the street At the chasm in front of Whitens. The chasm is here described as it appeared in the beginning of last November, just before the fall of the Guards' Club- House. The progress since made in filling it up with a splendid building has been so rapid as to excuse, if it does not justify, the popular suspicion recorded in the Second Canto, p. (>7, lines 7^ 8. Note 2, page 1, line 8. ' at alteration yawning.'''' !.<. . If the' affrighted globe Should yawn at alteration Shaksp. Othello. Note 3, page 5, line 13, &c. Like the seven Miss Flamboroiighs, ^c. " As for our neighbour Flamborougli's family, there were seven of them, and they were drawn with seven oranges ; a thing quite out of taste, no variety in life, no composition in the world." — Vicar of Wakefeld, Chap. xvi. 114 NOTES TO L\:joV' I- Note 4, page 8, lines .'1, 4. — — ^-^— uhcii he nabs Higher prey by means o/" crabs. By means of the dcuce-acc, the effect of which is described in the Second Canto. Note 5, page 18, lines 9, 10, 11, 12. Each who is not at his post. Thinks a dozen throws arc lost, And, infancy, thumps, while able, Heaiily the absent table. pereunt vestigia mille Ante fugam, absentemque ferit gravis ungula campum. Note (>, page 20, line 7- The Vampire, A name given by Naturalists to a Bat of enormous size which infests many Tropical countries. " He is," says Ulloa, " the most expert blood-letter in the world ; soothing the pa- tient, and prolonging his slumbers, during the operation, by the gentle motion of his wings." Note 7, page 22, line 6. Sit — like Theseus or the Speaker. ■ Sedet, aeternumque sedebit Infclix Theseus ViRG. NOTES TO CANTO II. 115 CANTO II. Note 1, page 57, lines 10 and 11. a sudden compromise Breaking out between the parties. An expression borrowed from an Attorney in Ireland, who, when asked how a lawsuit of which he had the management was going on, replied, " Why it was going on as well as pos- sible, but, unluckily, a compromise broke out between the parties." Note 2, page 63, line 6. Storm, or sap, or coup-de-main. " Take Antwerp, Sir, by a Cotip-de-main .'" exclaimed Mr. Windham, in a debate on the Walcheren expedition, " why you might as well expect to take the Court of Chancery by a Coup-de main.'''' Note 3, page 60, lines 3 and 4. of metallic scum Fashioned Pandemonium, — a second multitude With wondrous art founded the massy ore. Severing each kind, and scummed the bullion dross. Anon out of the earth a fabric huge Rose like an exhalation. Paradise Lost, Book 1, 116 NOTES TO CANTO II. Note 4, page 09, line 13. For each Crockj'ord-cublt, two. Les Genies obcirent, et quand les ouvricrs elevaicnt, durant le jour, la tour, d'une coudec. Us y en ajoutoient deux, pendant la nuit. — Vatiiek, page (i. London edition. Note 5, page 87, line 2. Dread the Acts of George and Anna. Stat Anne y, c. 14. and several acts of George II. f Note C, page 100, line 11 et sequent. So no Big-wigs shall alarm you, S[C. No exorciser harm thee, Nor no witchcraft charm thee, Ghosts unlaid forbear thee, Nothing ill come near thee. SiiAKSP. Cymheline. Gentle Lady, may thy grave Peace and quiet ever have. Milton. Note 7, page 107, line 11. Vthe old Astolphd's groom. The story is in Boccaccio. A KHYMEK IN EOME. 1826. She has her praise — Now mark a spot or two Which so much beauty would do well to cleanse. COWPER. A RHYMER IN ROME. Romans, vouchsafe to tell us why (Since how should Vandals such as we know) You hang your linen out to dry Along the Via Babbuino ? This " decent drapery" on the wall You mean, perhaps, to make the most of, And thus, at once, exhibit all The cleanliness vou have to boast of. 120 A RHYMER IN HOME. But, Roman's, on a main approach To all die marvels of your City, Why let such nuisances encroach, To " sear our eye-balls?" — 'Tis n't pretty. Say, do your walls no wastes enclose, No open unfrequented spaces, That dangling petticoats and hose Must swing through all your public j)laces? Past are your pomjis — The laurelled brow, The captive-train, the war-stained banners. Only your laundries triumph now. Is this your taste .'' Are these your manners ? A RHYMER IN ROME. 121 Howe'er such spectacles may strike you, We strangers think them sad transgressions. Romans, we willingly would like you ; But much depends on first impressions. AVe reach the gates of Rome. Delight, And Wonder on our fancy seizes. We enter. What a sorry sight ! Wet night-caps, stockings, and chemises ! Perhaps, were this the sole assault Upon our feelings, few Avould mind it. We might forgive a single fault, But worse, much worse, remains behind it. K 122 A RHYMER IN ROME. Look through your Town. On every side ]Magnificcnce is marred by meanness, Pollution matched with pomp and pride, And splendour wedded to uncleanness. Where'er the curious stranger walks, Base relics without end or number, Fish-bones, dead dogs, and cabbage-stalks. At every step, his path encumber. Wherefore, our senses to appal Stands an inscription such as that, say, AVhich Rome displays on many a wall, " Inimondezzaio in PiazzaT^ A RHYMER IN' ROME. 123 That there the rubbish may be thrown ? Why, Romans, 'tis not worth the pother. Among your streets, I 've scarcely known One place much cleaner than another. In vain you boast of all that's rare; Domes, columns, and those glorious fountains Whose Naiads come, to cool your air. O'er long-drawn arches, from the mountains. In vain pure water o'er the brink Of many a marble conch is dashing ; You find it excellent to drink, But never dream 'twill serve for washing. 124 A RHYMER IN ROMK. Come, let it overflow. You smile, And scorn the ek'ment''s assistance ; So that, methinks, 'twas scarce worth while To have it brought from such a distance. Why has not every house a rill To purify its entrance fusty ? Or wherefore must the Pincian Hill, Crowned with two gushing founts, be dusty r Should we the Vatican disdain. Or cease to haunt thy dome, St. Peter, C'ould we approach those marvels twain Througli avenues a little sweeter ? I A RHYMER IN ROME. 125 Fie, Romans, fie ! His favourite ground Once more could old Agrippa be on, 'Mid yonder ofFals heaped around. Say, would he know his own Pantheon ? What churches, palaces, are yours ! Yet hope not to escape my strictures, While darkness veils, and dirt obscures Their altars, frescos, statues, pictures. While to the damp unfreshened walls They cling, as they have clung for ages. Mere traps for catching strangers' Pauls, In aid of half-paid servants' wages. 126 A TlIIVMKIl IN ROME. Like Ilaram-lkaiilies kept for pride, Whose masters cold and uncaressing Guard tlicni, to shew the difference wide Between enjoying and possessing. Hark, in your private ear a word, We'll whisper it, to spare your bhishes. Pray, Romans, have you never heard Of mops and pails, of brooms and brushes ? We 've found them, ages since, at home, The scourge and dread of every slattern ; And, for your courtesies at Rome, Perhaps could let you have a pattern. A RHYMER IN ROME. 127 A sovereign cure they are for dirt. Now don't conclude that travelled men lie, Because, with no design to hurt Your feelings, we would have you cleanly. Your ancestors have done their parts ; They were brave spirits — nay divine ones. Suppose you try the coarser arts ; You '11 never match them in the fine ones. Set up Commissioners of Sewers ; 'Twould stop the mouth of many a jiber. Who asks why Tullus' work endures, Or why your walls o'erhang the Tyber ? 128 A RHYMER IN ROME. Repair your buildings. — ""Tis a task Ev"*!! modem Cardinals might master. Clothe your bare bricks. — I do but ask A little white-wash, paint, and plaster. Brush up your shabby tattered streets, Which seem all decency to brave meant ; Close-haul your spouts ; and if such feats Don''t quite exhaust you, mend your pavement. Prav, what is vour Police about ? Scenting imaginary dangers ; Hunting sham Carboxari out, Or, for their passports, plaguing strangers. A RHYMER IN ROME. 129 Police ! — The name's a mere excuse For Tyranny in fretful movement; A stepping-stone for all abuse, A stumbling-block to all improvement. * Pleasant' the whole concern, ' but wrong ;' At home one should not like it, — should one ? For every crooked purpose strong, And impotent for every good one. 'Twere well it would exert at home Its ultra-apostolic vigour, And on the sordid streets of Rome Let loose a little of its rigour. laO A rtHYMEIl IN ROME. But 'gainst the stream in vain one strives. Tliink of convincing or reclaiming A childish race, who pass their lives In Carnavalc-iug, and Carane-ing '. A race enthralled by holy hums, 'Twixt sins and penance ever moving, Praying and pelting sugar-plums, Confessing, masking, fasting, loving. Strung, puppet-like, on priestly vires. To the same tune for ever dancing, Sons tread the footsteps of their sires. Receding never, nor advancing. A RHYMER IN ROME. 131 Ancient and modern art in vain Conspire to shed their glories round them ; While Superstition, with her chain Of adamantine links, has bound them. Their land lies waste — The very air (Old Rome could ne'er have thus bequeathed it) Is grown, alas ! the Avorse for wear, Since lazy modern Rome has breathed it. Circling her towers, for leagues around. Rank grass and reeds untrodden cover, And oozing waters taint the ground, And treacherous vapours o'er it hover. 132 A RHYMER IN ROME. All sad, all silent I Cer the car No sound of cheerful toil is swelling. Earth has no quickening spirit here, Nature no charm, and Man no dwelling ! Haply, a sun-bcani, through the gloom, Some mouldering time-worn tower discloses ; Or marks the melancholy tomb. Wherein some nameless chief reposes. Fierce tribes have raised, as here they trod, The war-cry. Woe to the defeated ! Here has the Churchman's barbarous code What war began, in peace completed. A IIHYMER IN ROME. 103 He spake, and o"'er the prostrate land Came cold and creeping Desolation ; Blind fruitless Faith, at his command, Was piety, and Sloth salvation. Then cowled monks arose, and saints Absolving sins at settled prices, And all that Song or Story paints Of ghostly legends and devices ; And convents where, by vows enchained, — But hold — The Bard will teach us better What their " relentless walls" contained, The Bard of Eloisa's letter. 134- A RHYMER IN ROME. Then ju