3 THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES SQUIBS CRACKERS, SERIOUS^ COMICAL, AND TENDER, JASPER SMALLSHOT " SERIA JOCIS." I'OUR ME DESKVNUVER.' LONDON: Sold Ijy J. HARDING, 36, ST. JAMES'S STREET. MDCCCXII, R. Walts, Piiiiler, Bioxbournj. /(^-^.^ «"- CONTENTS. E.VGLA>fD Triumphant ------ Page 3 Approach to Bath --------5 .^mi»a; a^ Bath, y/ow Mr, O'Casey - - - - 6 y/ Lady's Reply to Mr. O'Casey - - - - - 1 1 " Glad to see you well" ------- 15 The Chaste Exotic - - - - - - - -16 New Tale of a Tub - 18 Lady's Palfrey ------ --.go Art Medical 26 Local Toast - -------- 3J Polite Word of Com?nand, or the Military Tipstaff' - 31 English Plum- Pudding -------33 How to gain Attention - - - - - - -35 CONTENTS. 7Vte ly\— perfect Beauty Page 36 Known and Unknoun - .-----37 Jewel and Duel ---------39 Call a Coach ---------40 To a Favourite Horse - ------41 Bankers m ow Uproar ------- 43 Clerical Anecdote --------45 Idio?)is of Language --------47 A Friend from Town -- -----48 Chops and Pops ---------50 Enolisii Bull— or Two ---- ---51 Scotch Steer — or Two ----- - 53 . LiNVMAS Sifstem -------- ;,5 Pearl and Purl - - ------ 56' Poppies and Puppies - - - - - - - 57 Hou- to CAIN — a Loss ----- - - - oH Receipt not to run out an Estate ----- 5,9 The Ingenuous Maiden - - - - - - - (>\ Moderate Desires, or, tlw, Margate Hoij - - - 62 "WiM.cii Justice ---------64 Th'-.Xwv. Lezacv - - - 6:> CONTENTS. Pills for Ladies " i'age 68 Sailor's Arrest - - - - - - - - -7* -Burton Beer ---------73 Maternal Condolence - - - - - - -7o Filial CJondolence --------77 " Lass— Militia" - - - 79 Arbitration ------ ---80 Couteau et Chapeau --------86 Address to Humanity -------87 The Virgin Habitation S2 Lady Trump's Tactics -------93 Her ladyship's Sympathy ------ ib. The Feeling Nymph ---94 Per Contra Creditor ------- 95 Pat in the Right - - - - . . - f)G Good Breeding --------97 111 Breeding - 99 Modern Ode - - 10.3 Lapse of Time ---------104 Questions and Answers - - - - - - -108 Quand " Un et Une " translated - - - - 113 CONTENTS. Mrs.Uvtii, and her Grunt Pag:e 114 Family Pride - - - - - - - - -117 More Greatness ■ - - - - - - - -119 Spurious Edition --------123 Parish Support .-__--__] 24 Fallacy of Anticipation - - - - - -126 Modern Bath --..-.- -130 Salt and Fresh Fish - - - - - --131 Count without i/our Host" . . _ . _ isg Omnibus Lassis - - - - - - - -140 Another Galenical - - - - - - - -145 The Western Island 14G Rousseau's Purity - - - - - - - -153 Ladies' Lottery - -------154 The Discriminating Recruit .----- 159 More English Horned Cattle ----- 162 J little SHK Bull, or a Ewe Sheep, or a You Calf - 164 Hunting for Title -------- i65 News-P'ender's Reply -.- - - - - -171 Lawyer's Opinion -------- 172 Full-Face ---------- 170" CONTENTS. Jew-Face Pa^e 176 Slim-Face -__ __.___i7'jr White-Face ------ ...jb. Fortunate Escape - - - - - _ _ -178 Odds on Time ---______ lyg Filial Feeling -- - - . - _ _ -132 Conjugal Fears removed - - - - - - 184 Female Matross - - - . . _ _ -187 Cupid at Trades - - - _ _ _ . -188 The Delicate Reprimand - - - - - -I9I The FFidow Mis-judged - - - - __iq2 Fcho surpassing Swift'* - - - - - -I96 77ie Z/Kfl'y OF THE Pond - - - - . - 108 To Eliza ------._._ oqj To Griselda --------. 203 j4 sure Road ----.. .._ qq'- The Ingenuous Youth ---.... q^c SQUIBS AND CRACKERS. England Triumphant. ENGLAND TRIUMPHANT. V' Hii.ST threatening round, nppears the lowering Storm, And Tempests rude all other Realms deform, Where War and Tumult raise attendant woes. And France aspiring — Kingdoms overthrows; Brttanxia's fleets shall proudly spread the sail, Her arms, by land, triumphant sliall prevail. Most grateful that a Pkovidence ox high Regards her children with benignant eye, Britaxxia, ruled by no stern tyrant's laws, — Freedom her aim — and Liberty her cause, — B 2 EnaUind Triumpliant. True to herself^ directs the Public Weal, By Honor influenc'd, and Religion's zeal ; Faithful to Him, who sacred guards the Throne, Whose object is Beneficence alone. Thus bless'd supreme. Triumphant shall She be. Thankful for Safety,' — Wealth, — and Liberty. Approach to Bath. APPROACH TO BATH. \V H E N slowly I ascend the lofty hills^ Which lead to Bladud's salutary rills. My pensive mind anticipates the scene. Resort of Youth and Joy ! — of Age and Spleen! Where Vanity displays her Cap and Bells, Where Sickness hovers, and Affliction dwells ! Where some to dissipate their moments fly. Whilst others, sutl^ering, breathe the painful sigh. Elsewhere, alas ! through Life's much-varying path, Mankind obeys his impulse, as at Bath. 6 Arrival at Bath, — from Mr. 0' Casey. ARRIVAL AT BATH, FROM Mli. 0'( ISEY. (j o o D lack to you^ Bath ! — once more, over mountains. Am I come to partake of the fan at your fountains 3 — Now have at you again — and good luck to myself. For I've plenty of fun — tho' but little of pelf : — No matter for that — I'll soon make myself ai^y, Or else give no credit to Patrick 0' Casey; For if there are Billiards, or Faro, or Hazard, To be sure I've not lost all the sense in uiy mazard ; So I'll friendly catch hold of some Pigeon or Ninny, And not let him fly — till I've touch'd his last Guinea, — Arrival at Bath,— from Mr. O'Casey. Taylor's Tick. (When I say I'll be friendly — I mean to become A Friend to the proverb " Icginning at home,") Or as Guineas are scarce — I'll put up with his Notes, To go to my Taylor for some of the coats Which I told him I'd pay, if he'd make me i^07«e Irecchcs," The last time he dunn'd me, when I had no riches. And he swore w ithout money he'd drive no more stitches }_ For what could a Jontleman do wanting small-clothes ? Without which, he might be near as well without all clothes. Now if that no Pigeon to pluck can I find, I must try somehow else — for the raising the wind; And 'twill be very odd, but I'll dash at the Misses, Whose persons and purses give exquisite blisses. — I'll be modest — respectful, and act with good sense. For fear they should think I've too much impudence. And mind not their beauty — so much as their pence. Arrival at i?a(/i, — frniii Mr. O'Cayf-tj. Duty tn the lair Six. — Slulah. Then Til tell the Mammas that the roses and pearls In their cheeks and their mouths — are surpassing their Girls". This will gain me good footing, 'tis plain, and lekays Civility's sure to lay open the ways, And smoolhen the passage as lc\ el and neat As a paviour the pavement rams down in the street. — — There's a touch of a simile — gentle and sweet. — — But Shelah in Ireland need take no alarms, To be sure I'll remember her prominent charms. — When I tinger the stuff, I'll return to Ballriirgef?, — For by that time, poor crater, she'll want some new rit''£'ino' : — Besides, by this plan, I shall think it no trouble To keep her at home — Sure 'ti^; J carry doutle. And if there's a lameness in one of my Doxies, T'U be like Noble Peers — ifiio do duty ly Proxies. 9 Arrival at i?r(//(,— from Mr. 0' Casey. — Duty to tlie Fair Sex. Tho' some ditference there is : Shelah mayn't be so tender As Mrs. 0' Casey, — nor her legs quite so slender ; — Mind, I talk of her legs, and no other rotundity, — One or other, perhaps, may have equal fecundity. And this disquisition needs no great profundity. — But my First Love if e'er I desert, call me Blackguard, — She wept so the last time we met near the haggard. When I swore that no other should rival her charms. With her besom-like eyebrows — her rubicund arms. Her eyes black as charcoal, cheeks hard as potatoe 3 — — And round was her face, like a trencher — or Great 0. Bright Nymph, with thy grace there was none that could peel A potatoe when boil'd, — none like Thee — skin an eel. — Now, Bath, if you'll give me the wife that I seek. In language exalted your praises I'll speak. 10 Arrival at Bath, — from Mr. 0' Casey. How to be secure. Or — if you could throw me in Two — to be sure You might thus make Security doubly secure.- But, to keep within reason, at least give me One ; - I'll contrive to find Frolic — Enjoyment — and Fun. 11 A Lady's Reply to Mr. 0' Casey. A LADY'S REPLY TO MR. O'CJSEY. Vv iTH care and attention your Letter I've read, Written when the Potatoe was strong in your head. — I hate all delusion, so thus I reply. And to beat you in candour of sentiment — try. In some things. Dear Sir, you do not know the Ladies, For many there are, like your oivn self, whose trade is, A good situation or fortune to hunt, Who at Hazard can play — or at Faro can punt. — 12 Lady's Reply to Mr. 0'' Casey. How to cliooce a Husband. This can most of them do : but there's one thing which Fate Directs them to wish, and they seek for a mate; A Youth that's ingenuous, honest, and true. But not one that hunts for a fortune — Hke you, — Indeed, should a proper one say, " Let me win you," We might look at his stature, robustness, and sinew ; For the breadth of his shoulders, his legs, and his thighs, is A grand point with us, who are fond of good sizes. — Your oh}ec\. Jirst specitied — rested on play, Now our Jirst attainment — is just what I say : — So here Fm as candid and open as yon, But, in tailure of such man, — another might do : Even Charlotte — Jane — Sophy — Emilia — or Sally, Would lower their standard — if at a — pis-aller .■ 13 Lady's Replv to Mr. O'Casey. All Fair and above Board. — Fair Play. And another thing mind — All banks are not sunny ; We All are desirous — but not All have money. This snug little proverb there is, too, but hush ! "A lird in the hand is worth two in the Lush." There's one rub remains, in which none will concur, And little you know us — so widely to err j You think to keep nnknown a snug little She; — Unknown you might just as well think that a tree Might remain, if put down in the front of The Crescent ; — No, Patrick — our thoughts are not so evanescent. — " Keep a Shelah,'' and soon such a rattle she'll get. That she had better 7iot catch ponded fish in her net ; We'll set such example for the cause of morality. As shall make her respect the laws of Conjugality. We know what's our due; and if we delight in Our husband's endearmentj — 'tis Avhat we 've a right in. — 14 Lady's Reply to Mr. O'Cuscy. -No Masked Batterie?. — So take my advice — be ingenuous, kind. And perhaps you'll discover a wife to your mind. The motto for every English — or French General Of our Sex is, " Ladies, take care of what Men are all.' With Females, 'tis not always Art will persuade them, Cupid's battery rake or — Love enfilade them. 15 Glad to see yoii well. " GLAD TO SEE YOU WELL." jMonops — a Friend met in the street,— — (A common place for folks to greet,) — His hand held out, and "■ scarce could tell "■ How glad lie was to see hivi well." This said, — he quickly turn'd away, Knock'd down a girl with curds-and-whey ; Who swore — " no truth icas in his words, '■' Or — he had not thrown down her curds :" "'Another time," she thought, "■ 'twould be wpI ■' If he'd take better care to see well." 16 The Cliaste Exotir. Blooming Innottnc THE CIIA.^TE EXOTIC 1 HE First of last xVugust — serene was the day. And balmy the soft-breathing air. When Amoret walk'd with his PhyU'ida fortii. Through the beds that adorn the parterre. Fair PhyU'uhi breath'd all the odours so sweet, Which the gardener's art had arrang'd ; She envied not Eden, — Her Adam was there, And supt — he would ne'er be estran^d 17 Tlie Chaste Exotic. — Security. — Fragrant Ketreat. Each fully reposed on the other's regard^ And fondly their arms mterwove j Their thoughts were as pure as the innocent birds^ Which inhabit the Midsummer grove. But PhyUida fear'd that this fondness alone On their senses too softly might prey ; So she talk'd of the sweets which the garden produced;, To lead Amoret's passion away. She ask'd him which shrub he esteemed the most ( Or what deem'd he — the loveliest flower ? " Ah !" said he, " beyond all, let me hope to repose, " Entranced, in the Sweet Virgin Bower." * * Otherwise called The Clematis. C 18 New Tale of a Tub. ^The Village Pair. NEW TALE OF A TUB. Some people cannot take a hint. And won't look straight, — who do not squint- Now read my tale, wherein you'll see This made out to a nicety. — In France, before the Revolution, (No matter what the Constitution,) Jaques and Jeamictle went to a fair. In Arlols, — at the town of Aire. 19 New Tale of a Tub. Bacon and Tenderness. She sought a Tub to wash her Hnen^ And petticoat she'd sometime been in ; His object was to buy a Pig, To fat^ and kill when it grew big. It happen'd, oddly, this Jeannette Was distant Cousin to Annette, Who — as described by Marmontel, Luhin, alas ! ' had loved too well.' Jaques was no relative to Luhin, No more than had he Turk or Jew been. Their business done, the village pair Homewards determin'd to repair : They had been in a booth, and taken A crust of bread and shce of bacon. Together with some meagre wine. Because, as yet — they should not dine, c 2 20 New Tiile of a Tub. 'Twas Summer,, — every thing was gay^ — It seem'd all Nature's holiday} The thrushes sung, the doves were cooing. And smaller birds were all a wooing j Each tree and spray, each copse and grove, Seem'd to inspire the gentlest Love. Away this couple trudged along, — Jaques drove his pig, and humm'd a songj — The Maid was young, her thoughts were fanny. She cared not how she'd spent her money : But in her mind — bethought Jeannettc, — Sure Nature's something in my debt 3 My mind's alive — my blood is warm. In this can truly be no harm ! * " 11 u'y avoit pas inal il ctla." Marmontel, 21 Now Tale of aTub.— Uuse de Giiiirie.— The Attack repulsed. She soon adapted her invention. To catch the Pig-driver's attention,, — And — " Lack I" said she, " how dull the road, " Far from all eye — from all abode ! " Jaqiies, pray be civil — for, if you '' Should naughty prove — what could I do r" " No, no," said Jaqiies, " be not afraid, " Your charms, Jeaniiette, I sha'n't invade, " I pay attention to my grunter " — — Sure was he — this could not atfront her. — The hint was lost none could be plainer. But yet Jeminette was not a gainer. Their path now led into a wood, A tit place to be understood ; — And thus again the matter ope'd, — ''' That he would there behave, she hoped. 90 New Tale of a Tub. — Rallying Point. — Bush-fighting. ••' Consistent with propriety^ '*■ As they were far from every eye, — "What should she do if he were rude ? •'■' She hoped he was in no such mood ; *'•' For she must yield, thus at a distance ■•' From every thing could give assistance." — " Fear not/' said Jaqucs, — " I mind my pig, — Then wiped his face, and scratch'd his wig ;- *■ IjCt me create you no alarm, •'I dont intend you — any harm ; •'Besides, my pig away might ramble, ■"' Thro' furze or bush — thro' briar or bramble.' No heart, slie thought, could be so dull ; — And surely had Europa's bull Been half so uninflamed as he, Europa ne'er had crossed the sea. 23 New Tale of a Tub. — Open Attack. — Hood-winking and Blinking. — Contumacy. The wood got thro', they reach'd a plain — Here, thought she — I will push again ; — But this was her dernier ressort, — If here she fail'd, she'd try no more ; Tho' vanquish' d yet, and put to rout^, She'd still attack his last redoubt. She spoke, and smiled, — Jatjucs stood a blinking, And knew not what she could be thinking : — " As yet," said she, " so good — so cool, " I hope you'll not now play the fool." — " — Not I," said he, — " I mind my pig, " I'm thinking of no other rig." Thus set at nought, she cried, " Your head " Is thicker than a lump of lead; " And ne'er inay Venus, ne'er may Cupid, " Attempt a heart so dull and stupid ; 24 New Tale of a Tub. — The last Expedient. -Your Pig again, — you paltry scrub. " He misht have gone leneath my Tub : " Whilst you should humbly fall before me, " And vow for ever to adore me." 25 Ladj's Palfrey. LADY'S PALFREY Sal Walker was a Widow left. Her Husband suited not her. She chose to go a merrier pace, — So married Mr. Trotter. 26 Art Medical. Visitinr the Sick. ART ISIEDICAL Sorry am I, when Medicine, Or any Esculapiun practice. Perverted is — to raise a gria ; — Bat as my tale runs — so the fact is. A Market Town tliere was in Kent, (If not removed, it stands there still,) His rounds where every morning went A Doctor, — sure to cure or kill. 27 Alt A3ediral. — Visitinj.; tlie Sick. — Examination. — Testaceous Fisli One day, arrived a boy in haste. Desiring he'd go see his sister. Who was unwell — tho' very chaste. And might want cupping — pill — or blister. Bolus set off, and took his 'Prentice, Who now had been five years a learning, And might himself — secundis ventis, Prove a Practitioner discerning. Soon as arrived^ he saw the Maid, Felt of her pulse, ask'd her some questions, But wonder' d not ;—" 'Twas plain," he said, " From whence arose her indigestions." Told her — " She'd ate too many crayfish, — " — The cause he saw ivith half an eye, — " She might as well have swallow'd raw fish ; " But hoped, this time, she would not die. 28 Art Medical. " He'd send emul-.ion — ^just one dose, " Then had no doubt that she might mend ; " But they mast keep her warm and close, " And his directions strict attend." Soon as departed from the door, (The scene within — not being tragic,) The 'Prentice to his Master swore, "■ That hure he was he dealt in magic. "' How could he know the Maiden's case, " Unless by preternaiural spells?" — — •'■ Plain as the nose is on your face," Said t'other '• for I — saw the shelh.' The physic sent The old Practitioner Ask'd, '■ Wa.i it taken ?"' 'Prentice said, — " Ah Sir I the Girl won't want Physician or " Emulsion more, 1 fouftd her dead ! " 29 Art Medical. Bad Digestion. " Dead, say you ! — how came that to pass ? " Ii's very odd — why she should die." — " No, not at all, — she had ate an ass, — " I saw — the panniers lying by." 30 Local Toast. Harts — IVilts — Hants, and otlier wortiiy (.'oiintii' LOCAL TOAST. A NEW toast I'll give you, worth every man's care, — " To the Fair ones of Harts, and the Hearts of the Fair !" Other Counties, which run in a Mono-syllable, To bring into play I'm not so well able 3 As Wilts — Hants — Bucks — Hunts, which much Beaut* contain. And merit a Poet — of loftier strain 31 Polite Word of Command, — or, The Military Tipstaff. POLITE WORD OF COMMAND, THE MILITARY TIPSTAFF. One term, express'd in difterent ways_, Will bear two meanings: Here's a case, A Bailiff' was a Cornet Yeoman, Yielding, in duties both — to no man. Once^ being dismiss'd from a field-day. He took a touch at t'other play, — Tapp'd Drou'sy's shoulder — shewed his Wrii. And liien prepared — to shew — his Wit. 32 Polite Word of Comnuind, — or, 'Die Military Tipstaff. " I don't arrest you — mind," said he ; " Foiv, tho' I take your Liberty, — " In martial terms 'twill sound the best, " — I only put you — in Arrest.'' Drowsy, in limbo, straight protested, — " He'd just as soon — have been Arrested." 33 Eiii^lish Plum-Pudding — a la F)UJifoise — attempted. ENGLISH l^LUM-PUDDING, A YoRKSHinE-man once. Who was far from a dunce. And rich, as most Yorkshire-men are,- A French cook would take, X(,)L to boil, or to bake, But to send up more delicate fare. One day he'd have Pudding, And wish'd it a good one. According to old English taste ; But jVIonsieur Roti, Knew nothing, not he. To make it, as 'twas not raised paste. 54 English Plum-Pudding -^a la Fran<;nise. — Failure. His Master had said^ *' That it ought to be made^ "■ With eggs — raisins — flour — suet — selected. But the bag was forgot^ So it stuck to the pot. And the Squire lost the Pudding expected 35 How to aain Attention. HOW TO GAIN ATTENTION. A NuMscuLL was anxious to lug in, one day, WlKit lie thought a good story, — but knew not the way ; Whilst some talk'd of history, — he sought a footing, To tell an unmeaning long tale — about shooting, — Then said — " Heard you that Gm« .^ — No?v you talk of v " a Pheasant, I " I'll tell you a story o( shooting, that's pleasant, / '' And I'm glad of you?- hint, for no time's like the present." j jj 2 36 The Im — perfect Beamy. THE /iVf— PERFECT BEAUTY. Lelia, — there's love within that eye, That form hath beauty in't ; 1 wish the latter was n't awry, The/o//«e/- — did not squint. 37 Known and Unknown. Mtrcantile Wealth. KNOWN AND UNKNOWN. A. Merchant lived in Norwich city. Whose tliread-bare coat now forms my ditty ; In private life esteem' d was he. But somewhat given to penury. A Friend, one day, observed this garment. And tirst declared — " he mean't no harm in't, " But people generally thought "' The coat he wore — not worth a groat ; — " He was as rich as any Jew, '* So ought to get another new." 38 Known and Unknown. Mercantile WLalth. The Merciiant than.k'd him lor his care, ''■' Bui every iiody knew idm there." Xcxt. year, it. happen'd that our spark His friend met in St. James's Park ; The seh" same tliread-bare coat h.e wore, Which liad been criticized before : — ■' B'e^^ me !" said lie, " in coat tiie same, " I wonder you don't blush for shame." The INIerciiant thank'd him for his care, •■■ Bui not a creature knew him there" 39 Jewel and Duel. JEWEL AND DUEL. boME people, 'tis said, are too eager lor fighting. Which keeps up good manners, tlio' wrong to dehght in ; But a fair Sister Ishmd, which boasts not of gruel, Makes her sons to esteem each fair Maid as a jewel. And with sounds thus ahke — they " dear Jewel !" exclaim, " Let our Duel be friendly, — except in the name." 40 Call a Coath. CALL A COACH. -t r.rr.R — one day -would go To a friend's house — at Bow : When his silly Varlet A Coach sought of Scarlet ; As his^Mastf^r desired That it should be Hi — Keo. 41 To a Favourite Horse. TO A FAVOURITE HORSE. Companion faithful of those chequer'd hours. When ardent youth endow'd thy hardy powers. When proud advancing ihro' the lengthening camp. No toils could dull tiiy hre, — thy ardour damp. Abroad, at home — how oft the nascent day H.ith seen thee join the squadrons in array! Or, when the season closed the Home campaign. How hast thou speeded foremost — o'er the plain ! — How frequent shone pre-eminent in race. When high-bred hounds pursued the anxious chace ! 42 Favourite Horse. And, (gentler task,) thy lot hath often been. In vernal hours, to canter o'er the green. Whate'er thy work, so well perform'cl thy part. Thou hast the friendship of thy Master's heart. Now lame become, and impotent, and old, Ne'er for degrading work shalt thou be sold ; But in u'pose enjoy thy peaceful stall, I'ill, by the hand of Time, — arrive thy fall. 43 bankers in an Uproar. A Fact. BANKERS IN AN UPROAR. Once on a time, in Lincoln city, Near which the dykes are piled with mud, Where the inhabitants are witty. And deal in sayings choice and good, — One night arose some great alarms. And Vohinteers were beat to Arms. Snug was I laid, as hare in thicket. Securer, tho' — from noisome damps. And dream'tof no Grand Guard or Picket, Of Garrisons — or — " drowsy Camps." Sudden I rose to learn the matter Of such unseasonable clatter ; 44 Bankers in an Uproar. A Fart. And understood there was a riot^ — Odd tho' it seem'd^ — amongst the Bankers ; — I wonder' d why nocturnal quiet Could be disturb'd — by Notes — or Spankers ; Nor before morning learn'd, — these jokers Dealt deep with Mud, liit riot uith Brokers. 45 Clerical Anecdote. County to be inferred. CLERICAL ANECDOTE. A. CuRATEj upon Forty Pounds a year^ Who scarce could live when every thing was dear. Went to his Rector, with imploring flice, To represent — the hardship of his case ; Assured his Worship, plain, how matters stood. Sincerely hoping " That he'd be so good " His Stipend to increase, — for scarce could he •' Support, with Clerical propriety, " Himself — his Wife — and Children three times three. 1 46 Clerical Anecdote. County to be inferred. " — His Wife, a goodly housewite, might biing in;>re 3 '' Her Mother had Iain in — of near a score ; " And he still kept the precept in his eye, *"' Enjoin'd to man — Increase and multlpli/. " — Besides, he had many arguments in store " — The Rector cut him short — "■ Could hear no more," Desired — " He'd not enlarge." This bitter pill Was straight relurned : — " 1 hope your Reverence 7i'ill ." 47 Idioms of Language. — En<:^lish and French Eagerness. IDIOMS OF LANGUAGE. 1 HE Paris tongue to understand. Can't well be learn'd in other land : A Frenchman says — " J'ai chaud.'' Unlike John Bull, when he bestrode. And knocJid his horse up — on the road, Call'd him — " frappe en haut^ A Frenchman, not in England long, Pray'd a Young Lady for a song. His fond desire to please. — Said he, "Ah! chere Mademoiselle, " For that air, which you sing so well, " You may I press — or squeeze ! " 48 A Friend from Town. — Sylvan Scene. A FRIEND FROM TOWN. A Citizen, retired from Graccchurch Street, Purchased a residence, he thought complete ; From London cUstant lit'ty miles or so. Beyond the stink of sprats, and sound of Bow. He soon had fish-ponds, warrens, shapen'd grounds • With dogs and guns, game, rookery, and hounds. Thus at his ease, a letter he convey'd To an old Partner, still engaged in trade, — Hoping he'd coaae, to see — ''his Paradise," Which still w ould make it dearer in his eyes. 49 A Friend from Town. — Every Man to his Liking. — P. I'. C. The Friend invited, soon got on his road. And reach'd at last — the mueh extoll'd abode ; Walk'd out, look'd round, found all was dull and sad. Rough walks, coarse grass, old buildings, rude and bad,- " Mind," — said his Host, — " what nice variety, — " There is my dove-cote, — here my rookery," — His Friend look'd up, nor could suppress these words. But cried aloud — " Ah ! silly, silly birds ! " — — "Silly,'' said t'other, "wherefore, tell me, pray ?" — " Why, hav'n't they wingn, and yet don't fly away ; •" Who'd remain here, if not obliged to stay ? " I think your place is dreadful, so lake warning. " Fm off — before you're up — to-morrow morning." 50 Chops and Pops. — Delicate Mutton on the ll'icklou- Mountains. CHOPS AND POPS. Just landed on Hihrnias .shore. An English Gentleman, safe o'er, In an hotel was housed. — Soon he regaled upon a Chop, — When_, thro' the door — a bullet — pop. His quick attention roused. He ask'd the Landlord, struck with fear. What mcan't that shot, so near his ear. Which seem'd no children's play. — " Only two Jortf/emen," — said Connor, " Just settling an affair — of honour ; — ■" Xej,t Lull goes t'other way." 51 i'?iL'7i»A Bull — or Twi). Veniscm and Mutton. liNGLISH BULL — OR TWO. 1 HE Story is old. And has often been told. How Pat, between halfpence.. Put off some bad gold. But an Englisliman s feat Was nearly as neat. When the venison haunch Was too raw to be eat. 52 English Bull — or Two. The South Downs. M^ Lord sent It away. To be hash'd the next day. For his table was plentiful Always — they say. But the Cook was no glutton, So gave it for mat Ion, A trick economic. The servants to put on. Now this shews that Pal Was not more ol a Jiat, Than the Cook who disponed Of the venison fat ; — — Or than jMr. John Grant, Just from tlie Levant, Who knew not if he Was — an Uncle or Aunt, 53 Scotch Steer — or Two. Gout and Music. SCOTCH STEER— OR TWO. Scotland full well my heart reveres. — — So much for that. — Now come my Steers. — A Steer is something like a Bull, In Ireland — or — the Isle of Mull. — A Scotchman, leaving home, had got — " You may break off, Sir, — / know what."- Why interrupt me in the middle ? I'm sure you don't, — I mean nojiddle. A Scotchman, then, had got — the gout. So off to Bath — he took his route ; — 54 Scotch Steer— or Two. Reeu'ar Buildina Whether he did — or not — recover. My tale don't shew — but passes over. Ileturn'd to home and barley broth. Thus spake he to a neighbour : " Troth, " Whate'er Fve seen of great renown, "■ Don't equal Edirihorough town ; — *''' The streets at Bath were vary fine, " The Crescent form'd a Juuidsome Line ; " But what I thought was still more rare, " The Circus seem'd — the lonniest Squared 55 Linnasan System. LINN ALAN SYSTEM. k!iARAH called Benjamin A Bore. Said he — "As you can't change your genus, " Naturahsts might vain explore " What Litter — we should make between us. 56 Pearl and Purl. Equal Dignity. PEARL AND PURL. A Wench who drank drams, and sold flounders or cod. Heard the head-dress described — of tlie wife of an Ear!. But swore he?- magnificence was not so odd, For she — hke the Countess — dealt largely in — PurL 57 Poppies and Puppies POPPIES AND PUPPIES. A Doctor^ visiting one day, Ordered that poppies three The Sick should tal " But folded it up in the last: paper docket. J 82 Arbitration. Ararus cunnint'. — " Hie nigcr est.'' "Which came wilh those biscuits I bought, when invested " Overseer of the Poor, and which I protested "■ For the Work-house were as good as need be expected, " Tho' I knew for the Navy they liad been rejected." — Trot was puzzled: — for tho' he could swear he was right, Cunning nflea convcr/s into Hack — u-]iat is white: So with humming and hawing, at last st.immcr'd he, "That his case appear'd hard, — and he could not agree : — /- — " Well," Avarus said — ''put it to some referee." J At this moment arrived there a man driving hogs, A plain manner'd lout, and liis name was Pat Seroo-gs. The statement he lieard, and thought Trot was used hard. With judicial discernment then made this award : — " Avarus, you say that 7/o«/- pur^c held a toy, — "Then it's plain this can be none of yours, My oh' ]5ov :— _l 83 Note Oil Arbitration. Expostulation ag-ainst Unfairness. "It belongs to you. Trot, as appears by the tale, " So go home, and buy mutton, potatoes, and ale." I have heard Scroggs was raw from the county of Lelnster, — His decision had honour'd the courts of IFest — minster. NOTE ON ARBITRATION. 31 R. C.'iriL, you think you've discover'd a mare' s ne?,t ;- If a Cockney, indeed, you may find out a liare's nest. (I speak «o^— to all critics ; — some there must be, Enlighten'd and candid, — from pedantiy fiee ; And with such, I'm in hopes, I should not disagree.) Perhaps you exclaim, in a cynical tone, " None sharper than you, to see thro — a mill-stove:' Cr 2 84 Note on Arbitration. Apliorisms. None more than yourself is correct and discerning, And thus you exhibit — a proof of your learning. By thinking you've found out an incon — sistency, About Surrey and Leinster ,- — bat stop, and you'll then sec No, good Mr. Cavil, your censure'^ unjust, And ill you've digested your 'nalj'-munilh'd crust. An old proverb, or two, to my aid I call h-.n-e. To shew that you've got a wrong pig ly tJie ear. — What should hinder Pot Scroijgs, as well he was able^ To travel to LeatlierJiead — or, to — Duns table '? A mails not a horse, if hi-' <; horn in a staile. Too fastidious are you, Mr. Cavil, by half, And, from marshes in Essex — resemble a calf; — A calf, or a cow, as you once said, that neighs, When you thought, too, th.at pigeons ivere turn'd out t'a 85 Note on Arbitration. Apliorisms. And now if you've kept me so long on the road, "Tis you, and not / — have made this episode. Lo(jk at home to your bkinders, and first correct those. Before you tread hard upon other mens toes. What's meant as ill-natured, could never I bear it ; If this hat Jits your noddle, I beg you to wear it. Take another old proverb, and by do iiot pass it. You have heard it at school — Qui capit illefacit. And revered be this motto (even in your dull sconce) Of honour'd tradition, — Honi soit avi mal y pensk. 86 Co\ite;ui et Cliapc COUTEAU ET CIIAPEAU. jNIr. Bill, who liad tiavell'd from Durham to Mayite, Said a knife was called Cut-o, — and why it was plain j But in all his long journey, from thence on to Berne, Why a hat was called Chop-o he could not discern. 87 Address to Humanity. Erskine. ADDRESS TO HUMANITY '1 o raise my verse^ and to exalt my strain. Humanity ! Celestial Goddess, deign ! With fostering care invigorate my song! To thy benignant smiles such aids belong. — When Erskink nobly rose in Virtue's cause, One laurel more to add to England's laws. With more than Athens' eloquence he stood. To stem the torrent of barbarian flood ; Th' enraptured Senate on his accents hung, Charm'd with the powerful etforts of his tongue 5 88 Erskbw. Ciimpassion. Tlie Hors ■. Yet anxious tho' he urged Compassion's calL His zeal 'gainst greater numbers proved too small;, Out-voted. Such his object — could he fail r Will future Englishmen believe the tale ? Ah ! Sons of Liberty^, may yet your voice Rise paramount with Feeling's nobler choice ! Let future ages venerate your name. And give you credit for Compassion's claim I Firstj as a suppliant, pleads the ge?ierous Horse, Proud on the plain, — the martial field, — or course ; Eut when worn out_, still subjected to toil. He drags a cart — qr plows the stitien'd soil ; — Yet, ere he comes to this, his last re->ort. We see his master with his feelings sport. For money's paltry worth exert his speed. Nor mind his bursting flanks^ his sides that bleed. 89 Cock-fighting. — Bull-bait iiig. But urge him on to gain the lengthening miles. When spur applies^, and oath his pace reviles. Regardless if his etibrts be outdone. Thoughtless of aught, but what he counted won. Next mark the Cock, whose gallantry appears. With ruffled feathers, — ignorant of fears. And painful tho' to every feeling heart, Arm'd, beyond Nature, by inventive Art, He tights till death releases him from pain. His owner careless but for loss or gain. Now comes the Bull-halt, — England's dire disgrace ! Bad as the Cockpit — or distressing Race! — When late the monarch of the plain is seen, Torn now from liberty, and pastures green ; The savage rabble tie him to a post, By dogs surrounded, and a clamorous host -. 90 Bull- Lai line. — Exhortation. The Dog, by nature generous as brave, Now made to vile barbarity — a slave. But urged by man, whose liberal boast should be, JNIercy to shew, abhorring ci-uelty. The Bull, when fixed, and maddening with the wound, His fierce opponent — tosses from the ground j The combat rages, till the savage host Deem which has conquer'd, which has sutTer'd most. — The hated scene no longer I pursue ; — Would that the picture were less just and true I ! : Britons ! mistake me not ; — lor those there are Who fieel for England's glory — and declar(^ Such exercises prompt the rising band. To shine the terror of each foreign land ; To make her Fame o'er other Countries rise, And lead her Arms — to future enterprise. — 91 Exliorta'inn. ]My Land I HoxoifR — ever be my boast TJiat to approve, which benefits her most : jMuch I abjure that kixury or rest Should taint — eftrminate the youthful breast. Use thei-i such exercise as shall inure To bear the Summer's heat — or frost endure ; So liardihood sliall .still shine forth afar. And prowess mark the hand engaged in war : — Let youths tinis urge a method d^ ably sure, jind [)ractlse only ic/iat theinselues endure. I,et them indulge in pugilistic art, Run — wrestle — cudgel — j/'they lear their part. These may conduce to England 's future fame j- 'T'ls Cruelty alone — which I disclaim. 92 The Virein Habitation. THE VIRGIN HABITATION. Louisa — was an orphan child^ On Orkney's rugged Isle 3 Her cheeks the crimson rose adoru'd, Her mouth the winnuig smile. She rcach'd sixteen — her Guardian ask'd — — " What was her future phin }" — " Ah! Sir/' she saidj — " my heart inclines " To tiy The Isle of— Man." 93 Lady Trii m/)'s Tactics. Her Ladyship's Sympatliy. LJDY TRUMP'S TACTICS. L/ADY Trump heard one day — of the Enemy beat, Pat to lout, and cut-off — nor eould cover his retreat ;- Of routs, and card-cutting, to judge she was able. But no covering knew — except coveiiug a table. HER ladyship's SYMPATHY. A. Fkiend announced to Ladi/ Trump The sudden death of Mr. Decker, Who was a distant relative. And held a place in the Exchequer. With six young children he had left. His Widow would find matters hard. — " Pie's no great loss," said Lady Trump, " You know — he never touch' d a card." 94 The [ tcliag Nyiiii)h. THE FEELING NYMPH. Ah ! gentle Lucy — didst thoa know The flame which rages in my breast. Thou would'st not chill my heart with woe^ Nor thus deprive my mind of re^^t. If thou can'st judge how great the pain. Which thy resplendent charms create. Kindly reward thy faithful swain, And joyfully — I'll bless my fate. 95 Per Contra Creditor. PER CONTRA CREDITOR. A H ! squalling Bridget, — didst thou know How much I'm wanting of a shirt, Thou would'st not sure forget me so. And make me wear one — black as dirt. Or — when exerting thy shoe-heel. Thou lay'st it on my hapless pate, — — Didst thou but know how much I feel, Thou'd'st use it — at a gentler rate. 96 J'at in tlie RiE^ht. P.4T IN THE RIGHT. •* A DKEADFUL accieleiit!" said Pat, " Down from llie steeple fell Tom's hat, " When he was working at tlie top, " A distance — Icirible to drop !" " Well," ]eplit;d Dick, '•' and where's the wondei " Now, Pai, — you're making- some new blander I" — ■— " This time, I'm riirht," — retorted Pat, — " Fm- iure hi- head — was in lli>' isnt .'" 97 Good Breeding-. Cupid a Sharp-shooter. GOOD BREEDING. Sopjiij Prim was highly bred. Could sport her glass — and toss her head. Inferior to — no other. Four years she had tasted nuptial joys. Had Seven children — girls and boys, And was a loving mother. 'Twas tivenly years since her Mamma Had chosen out her dear Papa, From other swains aspiring ; — Then she had full possess'd the Graces, And now, indeed, had more than traces Of Cupid's gentle firing : H 98 Good Breeding. " Extremum concede laboreni. For Mrs. Keen, at twenty jears. Again disclaim' d all girlish fears. Which discompose the IMisses ; In short. Mamma could still attbrd To prove — " how much she loved her Lord/'- And an example this is. Again she took it in her head^ Prolific — to be brought to bed ; — Some thought 'twas odd proceeding ; — But Sophy said — " She must be right, " Mamma had ever been polite, " And noted for — Good Breeding." 99 111 Breeding. A Silken Trap for Royalty. ILL BREEDING. Gharles the Twelfth, King oi' Sweden, Had little good breeding; But this was a matter he Counted no need in ; — And it's told by Foltaire, How he slighted a Fair, Tho' the thing has a very Improbable air. The King's Minister knew Not — his Majesty's cue^ But once he had something" Importaiu in view, — 100 lU Breeding. Unmilitary turning a Flank. He was bent upon carrying. Without any tarrying, — And he knew that his Master No thought had of marrying. So he promised a Countess, He'd give her large bounties : " And 'tis easily done," said he, — — " This the amount is 3 — " You must wait in his way, " When he goes out to play " At his common manosuvres, " Upon a field-day." Thus being indebted. She did not forget it. And twenty to one On her etYorts were betted. — 101 111 Breeding. Staff-Officer appointed to cover a Retreat. But the King caught a glance Of her battery — ly chance, Went dh'ectly aboutj — And away he did prance. Now this story's not new. Nor give it I — you. For one to gain credit. As certainly true ; — But there is a sequel. Little known, — tho' its equal ; And the book's hard to read. As it wovild to read — Greek well. The Countess was hurt. But, like a true flirt. Thought she would not be humbled Quite down to the dirt 5 102 III Breeding But would some way be trying. Her fish should be frying, When just a young Aide-de-camp Popped up — her eye in. Said she " What a spark, " In day-light — or dark, " Must his Majesty be, " Thus to treat — Kdnigs7nark ! — " How unlike King Priam .' " So handsome as I am ! — " But A — D — C — come,— " Whilst we've fish — let us fry 'em. 103 Modern Ode. MODERN ODE. ooFTLY Philomela's warbling Echoes thro' the ambient trees ! Sweetly the bell-wether's jingle Undulates upon the breeze ! Lovely beam the Milkmaid's glances. When she cocks her humid blazer Graceful on her clod-pole Shepherd Standing by- enraptured gazer ! Kindly then — propitious Hymen, Link them, cheek by jole, in harness ! Love's genial pleasures play around them, Each to the other — caro carnis ! 104 Lapse of Time. LAPSE OF TIME. •' i ASS but a few short years !" — awaits and pause On Fortune's changes, and on Nature's laws ! With mind contemplative regard the scene ; — Think what we are, and what we late have been Alas I how many heedless tread the road Which leads undoubted to their last abode 3 Nor think with gratitude for favours past^ Uncertain if vouchsafed be the last. " Pass but a few short years !" — look round, and vievi. How many friends, whom once in health wc knew. Have pass'd from off' this world's tumultuous stage ! — Others are worn by sickness, or by age ! — ■ 105 Lapse of Time. How many feel some ravaging disease. When friends' endearments can no longer please ! Altho' no vain despondence I pursue. Ask but yourselves — Is not my statement true ? Much I abjure the spirit to depress. Or at ideal woes the mind distress 3 But you have been where baleful sickness dwelt ? Perhaps for others, or yourself, have felt ? — Experience tells when weaken'd was the mind. And all terrestrial baubles cast behind. How bright and satisfactory to know. Our sLilTerings here impose not endless woe ! Thus wise Reflection moderates the scene. Dispels the cloud, and makes the view serene. — Think not I recommend the cloister'd cells. Where superstitious gloom unhallow'd dwells ; — 106 Lapse of Time. Gustavus Adolplius. — Nelson. Nor think I rigidly profess a zeal, JVhichfew can imitate, and fewer feel. These certain precepts anxious I impart. And wish them deeply graven on the heart : "Tread firm in Honouk's and Religion's ways, — " Consistent act, — and prove deserving praise ; — " Be grateful for the good which you possess," — — So shall KIND Providence each effort bless. Heroes in History superior shine. Who owned with thankful hearts a Power Divine. Remembrance paints the great and pious Swede,* He — thanks return'd for each successful deed. Not less illustrious ! we admire the style f Of Nelson's diction from th' ensanguined Nile. * Gustavus Adolplius. t Sec his Lordship's despatchrs. 107 Lapse of Time. To passing objects now I turn my eyes^ And look around with pity and surprize On those who once in gladsome health surpass'dj, Who deem'd each joy superior to the last ; Who shone in sports robust, — pursued the chace. Hardy in strength and pleasure in their face. Some fleeting years gone by, and those hut few We scarce believe their late achievements true, — Worn by the palsy, — fever, or the gout ; — Sad retribution of the festive bout ! — On hours elapsed, keen Memory will rest, And mis-spent Time annoy the pensive breast ! 108 Questions and Answers. QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. Mr. Askall was going from Brecon to Rnxford, So he pass'd thro' the beautiful County of Oxford, Where sometimes, indeed, should you hastily speak, Perhaps you'd be answer'd in Latin or Greek ; Tho' this occurs rarely, — except from a Doctor, A Warden, l^ice- Chancellor — Master — or Proctor : And Askall steered clear of these Virtuosi, Tho' indeed he was one of the most Curiosi. He had heard Cambridge highly praised for Mathematics, — Wonder'd Oxford and she did not teach Hydrostatics, Because opportunity seldom so nice is. As afforded to them by the Cam and the Isis. 109 Questions and Answers. ^Travelling Post. — An Inn Dinner. He had been for some time upon business in Wales, But got drunk overnight^ so he miss'd both the Mails, And was forced to go post,, — tho' very unwiUing To pay for each mile — six-pence and one shilling ; Which, with living, and turnpikes, and ostlers and post-boys , Cuts, we know, pretty deep, in the pockets of most boys. At last he arrived in the County of Oxon, Where the country is open, — and covered with flocks on : He stopp'd at an inn, to refresh M'ith — some dinner. Because that his belly cried out ^ I grow thinner, ' And something must have, as my master's a sinner.' — " What could soonest be got ? " " Sir — there's beef;, "mutton, pork;" — So he order'd the last, and was shewn in the York ; — But first, as he heard there was ready some broth, A bason he swallowed, whilst Tom laid the cloth. — no Questions and Answers, Investigation of Geography. '* Then, Waiter," said he, — " this appears a nice place !" — "■ Yes, Sir — all the country belongs to — His Grace : — " The first Duke, you know — was a very great Captain ; " Every town he besieged, was the garrison trapt in ; " And in all places he could the enemy meet, " True as you've order'd pork, he ensured a defeat. — " The present Duke lives, indeed, much like a Prince, " And is very well loved, — as his actions evince •, " He resides some way distant, and, as I never flatter, " 'Tis all one to me if he lived at Stoney-hutter." " Well," said Askall, " what Map is that?" — Thomai made answer, " It is that part of Fiaruiers which borders on France, Sir, " Before that new names, or new plans — geographic, " Had enlighten d the country, — hwt deaden d \\\(i traffic." — — " Ah ! " thought Ashall, " that /upon paper could travel ! " Then my gizzard the charges per mile would not gravel. Ill Questions and Answers. — Sporting. — Gipsies. " But pray tell me. Waiter, — in this place what trade is ? " Are the young men genteel, and gallant with the ladies ? " Have they routs, and card-parties, ass eml lies for dancing ? " (The' the last they are reckoned most to excel — France in.) " Tell me — What's meat a pound ? and how sells good ale ? •"' What time are the letters made ^ip for the Mail ? " Are there any hounds near} is there plenty of game ? " And what is the distance, 'cross country, to Thame?" Tom had heard of the question at Burton on Trent; VVish'd that Landlord could answer, but civilly meant ; He had heard too the questions. l/acZf /A made the Witches, \ VVhen they boiled up the cauldron, — the gipsey like 3 \ Wish'd ' he'd been killing swine,' to avoid such odd / speeches. J So he opened the door — crying — " Coming, Sir ! coming .'" Then answer'd as follows — without any humming: — 112 Questions and Answers. — Hares and Hounds. — Caparious Stomal li. " There are halls and card- par ties, but little of trade ; — *' The sexes unite — each young man loves a maid. " Meat is eight-pence a pound — Ale is seven-pence a pot 3 — " The Mail goes at nine, letters put in, or not. " There are partridges plenty, — not so many hares, " Because of the poachers, who take them in snares. " There are hounds at some distance; and lliame'^ a long way ; " — Now I hope, Sir, you've answers enough for one day ! '" " But one thing more. Waiter,— ^/ic name of that u'ood, " Where the pines are so tall, and the oaks seem so good ?" " Which wood. Sir; — but I cannot wait now, for the fish " That's going to the Lion — is turn'd on the dish ; — " Now pray, Sir, consider, put no farther question ; — " If' your stomach's like talking — you ve famous digestion! '' — " But tell me, (said Jskall,) — I mean yonder rich wood? " " Why, plague on your questions ! — don't I tell you " 'tis JFhichifood :-"" 113 Qv\and " Un at Une" Translated. QUAND " UN ET UNE. vy AN One and One in love resolve To make but Two, — no fears involve. Their gentle hearts desire ? — But if too prone to gallantry. This One and One — should cook up Three,- The fat is in the fire. 114 Mrs. Hunt and her Grunt. Push to be Civil. MRS. HUNT, AND HER GRUNT. -A OM Smvgo LEPHRAsr: — had been to sea For five long years, and more ; At length he joyfully return'd, And made the welcome shore. Tom had been born near Exeter, His father was — a Grocer, Who would have bred him up to trade, — Aspiring Tom — said — '" No, Sir! " At home he found his Parents well, And soon went round to all. To see the Neighbours he had left. And give to each a call. 115 Mrs. Hunt and her Grunt. — 'Mongst Others saw the Attorney's Wife, (Her name was Mrs. Hunt,) " Hoped All her Family was well !" — She frown'd and gave a grunt. Tom thought this ansiver very queer. And unconcili — atory ; But meaning well — he cared not much. And felt nor sick — nor sorry. He asked a Neighbour what could mean The style of Mrs. Hunt, — " He never saw a Negro girl " So crabbed, and a-stunt : " He knew three children she had had, " Two Male ones, and a Miss." " Ah !" said the man, of whom he ask'd, " There's nothing odd in this : i2 116 Mrs. Hunt and lier Grunt. Fondness for raising Radislies. " Billy was hang'd for forging Notes, " And Neddy was transported ; " Miss had eloped with Gardener Bob, " Who long her smiles had courted." 117 Family Pride. A Traditional Fact. — Innocent Converse. FAMILY PRIDE. I N seventeen hundred and seventy-one^ It happened, one day, that a Peer Had dined with his delicate Lady alone. At a comfortless time of the year. The morning was cheerless, her Ladyship had Been engaged with a Poem of Cresset ; When the dressing-bell rung, she felt very glad To ring for her Abigail Bessy. Their board was well served, — no matter with what. But there was variety charming, — Mock-turtle — tench — giblets — some doe-venison fat. With entremets nice, that were warming. 118 Family Pride. Retrospection of Honour. — Lord Bluff and liis Rebuff, Some glasses of wine made the blood to run free. And the butler and footmen departed ; Her Ladyship felt a spontaneous glee. And her tenderness spake open-hearted. With gentlest regard, then thought she, " I will speak ;'' So she rose, and pronounced him her darling, In manner familiar just patted his cheek, — When thus he express'd himself, snarling : — " I married you. Madam, when I was a Widower, " But you take too great liberty hark ye ! — " To my first Wife — so great a one never I did owe her, " Tho Hqx Ancestors reign d in the Saxon Hep — tarchy ! 119 More Greatness. Nancy in France.— Aancies of most Countries alike. MORE GREATNESS. Fam iL Y Pride's an awkward thing ; My bow has got another string, — One tale I've laid before ye. We have just seen how a Peeress Was baffled somehow in address, — ' Now here's another story. There was a Duke who lived near Nancy, His Wife's comb-brusher struck his fancy. She was of the canaille : This happen' d in the old regime, — A time that now seems like a dream j — In short, he made her frail. 120 Move Greatness. ^The Aviary and Kare Park. This soon \vas known to La Duckcsse ; — — She tliorght to make a move at che.ss_, — Lal-el/e mr.st depart ; — " Well," said her Grace, " now then may I coant " To play at Trictrac with the Viscount, " Wh;) long has sought my heart." Poor Isal'clle went to a cottage. The Duke took care to send her pottage, (The French are fond of liquid) ; — The girl had little now to do. She did not bake, nor did she brew. But fed her birds with chick-weed. I believe, in England, as in France, If Nobles lead a girl a dance, — (Nay, even smaller Squires,) 121 More Greatness. Cottage Contentment. They put her snug in some odd house ; And, when they go out shooting grouse. If cold, they know where ^re is : Or sometimes they can pass an hour Within the cot — or neighbouring bower. If their minds want assuaging. — Her Grace had ordered out one day Her httle park cabriolet. And Duke went out Jo7- aging. Isahelle had a few tame hares. The Keeper gave her unawares. And these poor things was stroking ; She did not then expect the Duke, — Howe'er he gave her no rebuke, But, kind, began a joking. — 122 More Greatness. Dvical Dignity. He asked her, " How she liked her Park ? " Was she a good shot at a markr" — Now she was free from strife. — Poor girl — thought she'd be very civil. And never less intended evil, — So ask'd, "How did his Wife ?" — "^ — My Wife! " said he, " You low-lived hussey ! " Wliat ! — since I condescend to buss ye, *' You thus speak to my face ! "■ Next time — presume not to say so, Bel/c ! " My IVife — remember, 's term'd — Most Noble, " Illustrious, and Her Grace ! " 123 Spurious Edition. SPURIOUS EDITION. There were doubts if a book, that was printed at Gloucester, Was not borrow' d from one in the row Pater-Noster. — " The Edition is spu — rious," said Liher to Anne: — Said she;, "You're — a nasty — indelicate — man." 124 Parish Support. The Game Leg. PARISH SUPPORT. 1 HE Justices' Bench Had examined a Wench, Who wanted a larger support, She was lame-legg'd and handy, Tho' in some respects handy. But forced to petition the Court. Their Worships she prayed. As she had not a trade. Her parish allowance to raise : — Her reasons were good, — For dear was all food, And she hoped not to tread in lad ways. 125 Parish Support. More Malt-liquor. So this they augmented. And she was contented^ — When the Overseer thought he would court her ; And declared himself willing, To add one more shilling, Tf in hh hands it stood — to sup porter. 126 Fallacy of Anticipation. — An Unhappy Fact. FALLACY OF ANTICIPATION. jVi IDS T scenes of wealth, of splendor, and repose. How few anticipate approaching woes. But deem the sunshine of the present day Shall grateful round their heads for ever play ! — 'Tis not long since, there lived a well-known Dame, Noted for shew — for pageantry — and fame ; Down life's gay tide her bark propitious sail'd ; Her views, delighted, never once had failed ; Still had she floated down a placid stream. Nor dreamt that life would ever piove a dream. 127 Fallacy of Anticipation. — Marriage. She eased her parents' cares at twenty-two. When youths asph-ing — her attention drewj She spake with fondness — modesty, and truth. When from the crowd she chose one happy youth ; With vows reciprocal his wishes blest,— Joy played around, and promised lengthen'd rest ; Before the altar lasting truth they vow'd. Then for some time they shun'd the busy crowd : At length relurn'd to Dissipation's blaze. And all opinions tended to their praise ; — Esteem'd throughout a fashion'd line they moved, Pleasing their friends — each but the other Loved. Twelve months expired, when, joyfully, the Wife Felt symptoms of imparting infant life : — The Husband waited anxiously the day With deep emotion, — fearing to be gay : — 128 Fallacy of Anticipation. — Preparation. Two months liifore the ]ady came to Town, Where but last year she flourish'd in renown. March was the month she look'd to the event. Which only now could add to their content j Too vainly counting, that in six weeks more She might pursue her pleasures — as before ; So to anticipate the friendly call, Resolv'd in May to give a sumptuous ball. And, for that distance — cards sent round to all. She order'd every effort should combine To make her rooms with richest grandeur shine. That choicest wines and viands should be placed Upon that board which gold and silver graced. These orders given, — the time drew quickly nigh, When she must feel the pang, and breathe the sigh : — The day arrived ; — and scarcely had the Sun With pace progressive half his progress run. 129 Fallacy of Anticipation. — Catastrophe. When Husband and Relations felt the a\ve Impress' d upon the anxious scene they saw. Would that the tragic sequel could be spared,— For which nor she_, nor friends, were ought prepared ! Buoyed up with flattering exultation's pride. The too self-confident Fidelia died ! 130 Mndern nath. MODERN BATH. At Bath, every pleasure combines to inspire. No females were ever move fair; — If you judge from their houses, no mortals are higJu Or — castles more Luild in the air. 131 lalt anrt Freih Fisli. Uidimond, and i!i (.b: SALT AND FRESH FISH. At Richmond, lately. Ladies three Had met, by six o'clock, to tea, — Mesdames Strong — Ruh — and Widow Clachlt, When they admitted Captain Taclzit, — To play a game at cards ; — but, first. They thought they'd better queach their thir -1, Rlchmonds, I know, that there are two 3 — There I am just as wise as you ; — Bur -wJuch ^Wci title to a Peer, I leave to you to make it clear ; — For tho' I know it — to a tittle. The other Richmond might feel I'Ltle ; K 2 132 Salt and Fresh Fish. Social I'arty. — No iimbraqcous Jokes. And I hurt no man's pride of place. But pass it, as an Act of Grace, — — Hinting, the one I make my boast of. Is that the inhabitants thjnk most of. The tea things set, — the urn was putfing, And Delorak brought in the muffin. On which was quickly made a breach j — — The Ladies soon drank live cups each. Now all this time must be some converse, Which, little thought they — would shine — on Verse But really there was talk'd no scandal, — In that neighbourhood there's no handle ; And these were all good kind of folks, Disliking sneers, — or darkish jokes. They talk'd of fowl, offish, and flesh. What each liked best if salt or fresh : 133 Salt and Fresh Fish. I'yrotechnical Knowledge. — Just Discernment. One liked a loLster — one loved gihlels, — Then help'd themselves to cream, by driblets; — For whether near — or fer from London, Jf too much pour'd, the pot is undone. They talk'd of Playhouses and Operas, And pickles spoilt — if touch' d by copperas . They wonder'd what could be the meaning Of calling any book — a ' Gleaning; Xor knew if Miss, just out of bibs. Could understand ' Crackers and Sqiiils.' — Rub said — an error in the printing. Must call it so, and went on hinting The book that she had had a squint in. " Sometimes those printers were brain-rackers ; — " It properly was ' Scjuils and Crackers.' " But it was much read (she was svire,) *' And nought contain'd but what was pure; 134 Salt and rrush I'lfli. T..(. .n.avy li. eiitiou Bonk^— Mi'.uUt b<- avoided. " For this, indeed, it niiglit rank lii;j;her, " Thaii did the b'jauiies of Mai Prior, " or Cnaucer — Rnrhestcr — or D^-ydeii, " Shame lo be all — who these took pride in I '' She meant the lalU'r in iiis plays, '■' WliO oilcn talk'd in lusciotts ways; — " Be.-iides, This — was a book of sen^c, "' And., on the clearest evidence, '^' Ali^'ht often serve for reference. " She ihonght, indeed, upon reflection, "' It should be placed in each Collcclion. '' As meriting a better fate " Than those which daily circulate, " Read by Susan, Sal, Bet, Alary , " From eveiy country-town Li hrary, " rvlany of which producer bad samples, " Exhibiting such loose examples : — 155 Salt and Fresh Fisli. Ladies Diet of Honourable Rank ci-dtrant. ".The girl who reads them, scarcely feels " If standing on her head — or heels. — '^' — At least, shed get it for herself, "■ And put it on her choicest shelf, " As well convinced no unchaste mention " Had ever enter'd the intention, — " And seeing it contain'd no gall shot, " She'd keep this book of Jasper Smallshot." — The others thought sotne suljects odd. And tlien got back to — duck — l:cef- — cod. Fair Rub Wkitd fresh fisli, — thought the last Might even serve to break her fast ; — — She had heard the Maids of Queen Elizabeth Ate what must give them a strange J/i — d — Ircath, When they devour'd beaf-sleaks and onions, — (So Skakspeare coiu'd the word called Ronlons ,) — 136 Salt and Fresh Fish. Ladies' Piscatorv Doubts. — " But — softj My dear !" cried Mrs. Strong. " Pardon me, but you're in the wrong 5 — "' Before you speak — did you but halt, " You'd know. My dear, that cod is salt : " Salt cod's so common on a Fast-day, *"' I know J feasted on it last day ; — " Mustard all rising countcraxes; — " The hens, they say, don't lay — for taxes — " So I made use of butter melted, " Indeed, I must own — that I smelt it 3 — " But thafs, produced by War again, — " For why ? — they takes away the Me7i : " The Men, who render all things sweet. " When they beseech us, at our feet, " To grant them something for a treat, — " A biscuit — or — a Sally Lunn, " A butter'd muffin, or a bun 3 — 137 Salt and Fresh Fish. The Point settled by Nautical Address. " Tho', truly, the Militia Local "■ Makes some amends ." To this they spoke all 3 But much 'twas wish'd they could agree. If cod-fish lived in ponds or sea. At last thus open'd Widow Clack-it, — " Captain ! you own'd the Ramsgate Packet} " You have seen tempests, quicksands, shoals, " No doubt you're skill'd in cods and soles 5 — '•' Now pray, will you decide this matter r" — — The Captain shot a low bow at her 5 — For whether high or low their station. Naval men merit admiration ; And have it, also, from the Nation. — " Ladies," said he, " the point disputed, " JFill prove that neither is confuted ; — " Cod-fish is salt, — ij- — caught at sea, " 'StVii fresh — //• — taken in the Xea." 138 Ciiunt without vour He COUNT WITHOUT YOUIl HOST. As Sn'igivell was travelling to York by the Mail, When the Passengers sup'tl, — he call'd for some ale ; And with toast, sugar, ginger, he had it made hot ; Then dranl; it all olF_, — tho' deep was the pot. The town that the Coach stops to sup at — is — Ware: ""i When the Guard sounds his horn, there is no time to spare, V You mu.-,t instant depart — or you forfeit your fare. J Those who ate, paid for what tlieyhadtnck'd in their belhes, — They had oniiuis, and calves' feel, beet', tartlets, and jellies, (Of the first, in a carriage — so charming the smell is !) 139 Count witliout vour Host." The Innkeeper was not just then in the way, Tho' hed brought SwigweU's ale, who, on going to pay, Aim'd a stroke to be ciinnuig, sayhig, — " If'a'Uer ! come hiere; ''' I want just to pay you, for — that pint ofl-eery — ■^■^Xo," cried Jem, "' ]\Iaster Sii'i£(ifell, you. Ivdd u/e, ginger, " toast, "■ You're deceiv'd \i you think to count without your Host." Messrs. Gingham, the draper, of last year Lord Mayor, And Fintpcg, the brewer, heard this — being there. 140 Omnibus I.assis A Talc of l.cainine. OMNIBUS LA SSI S. 1 OM Tickler was a Pedagogue, Of temper good, tho' he could flog — Those under his tuition, — Who knew not Qui from Qtui' or Quod, Which, lo confound, indeed seems odd, Without mudi erudition. Tom Tickler was not a Divine ; — His Father deaU in making wine — That's commonly called Port ; 141 Omnibus Lassis A Tale of Learning. Who drove a very decent trade, — And many pipes per year he made, Having a fair resort. There came some good news down one day 3 So Tickler gave a holiday. To himself and his Boys : Away he went to read the Go. — zstte : Said he, — " I know the Postman has it ; — ■ "'With him, I'm free from noise." Upon his way — he saw a bustle, — Tound 'twas a game at pitch and hlat/e, — • Which he resolved to join. There was Mr. Gage, the Exciseman, — The Druggist's son, — and Bulhy JVisemaii, — Exhibiting their coin. 142 Omnibus Lassis. — Joy at an Enemy's Defeat. — Drink ainup.il. Some time they chuck'd ; — He won a crowns- Then said, — " Let's all go to the town^ — " 'Tis but a mile to Newport ; — ■ " We'll dtink a bottle at the Rose, '' To good success against our foes, — " Perhaps we may get — true Fort.'' Away they went — read the despatch, — Were glad the French ha^l met their match ; — Tickler w(~uld recommend 'cva, Not to contend with EngH-,hmen, Unless lO one tjiey could br!'\S^ Preuv ? "' His feelings warm, correct the master drew : " Or who can read, and not admire the ease " Of the too-foscinating Hcloise :' " How sweet a lesson to the rising Misses, " Teeming with joy — with tenderness — and blisses '" 153 Roii:,seuu'i Purity. How to save the Grinders. Cut to a Hair. -" True, Ma'am," said Ferar ; " and how delicate, " When he ate up the bit from Madame s plate *, — " Which from her mouth she spit, on finding there_, " Wrapped in a force-meat ball — the cook's red hair !" This Anecdote, you recollect he draws. Candid, tho' filthy, — fond of Nature's laws. " Ah !" said the Dame, " simplicity his care, "■ He could not cut so nice to split a hairy * This Anecdote in Rousseau's Confessions, as a singular mark of his attach icnt, has probably struck every Header who admires the purity of that— " Homme de la Nature, ct de la Verit*;," 154 Ladies' Lottery. LADIES' LOTTERY. TO DRAW TICKETS lOR PLACES AT A BALL, (Rank excepted) ATuch recommenflcd to be adopted, particidarhj in the Cotintiy. A. An Angel form glides down the dance, Favour'd by all things as by Chance. B. BeautCj qui orneioil nne Cour, Ornc_, a present, notre Sejour,. c. Charmer, cease ! — nor thus inspire A passion — to set all on tire. D. Dulness, avaunt ! — nor here presume To shed thy melancholy gloom. 155 Ladies' Lotterj-. E. Envy at thee may point her dart, For captivating every heart, F. Fille aimable! — Fille cherie ! Gardez les coeurs, et les plaisirs. G. Good, without vaunting, — fair, without pretence^- In manners gentle^ — all admire her sense. H. Hang my Maid, Sally ! — but I'll scold her ! — My gown is slipp'd from off my shoulder, I. Indeed I'm true To none but you. J. Joie de mon Ame, Je vous reclame. 156 Ladies' Lotterj-. K. Kindly regard the happy Swain you wed ; — Clear be his heart, do you keep clear his head. L. Long Lankey, the lubber, lounged over the lawn^ Saw a pig at a distance, and thought it a fawn. M. Mourir plutot. Que d'etre trop top. N. N'ayez pas, O Demoiselles ! les trop tendres cocurs Comnie vous ctes aimables, soyez prudentes et pure? o. O dear ! — I've just torn down my shoe. And cannot dance j what must I do ? P. Pray, Pat, do not drink so much negus as yet ; Or I think that you scarcely will get down the set. 157 Ladies' Lotterv. o. Q. stands for quizzing, quids, and queer, — We've none of those perfections here. R. Robert, at six — you'll be here with the carriage,— Perhaps, by that time, I may nick a marriage. S. Saivnetjs a brave and bonny Scot^ And hkes his dumphngs piping hot. T. TaJJy loves toasted cheese, and alcj And is not nice, rf new or stale. u. " Under the rose," be careful of the briar I And mind the sparks — if you get near the fire ! V. Vous, ma tres jolie Demoiselle, Etes aussi sage que vous ctes belle ! 158 Ladies' Lottery. w. IViUiam went to the fair, and brought Jenny a toy : Jenny staid from the fair, and brought WiUiam a boy X. Xaut'/fipe had talk'd in a properer way, If treated hke A'ell — in the ' Deuil to Pay.' Y. \ onder prig dances hke a hog in armour : His partner's neat, — 1 hope he will not harm her ! Z. Zero counts less than number One, — With such I envy not the fun. 159 The Discriminating Recniit. Archiepiscopal Celebrity honoured. THE DISCRIMINATING RECRUIT. (^jxtj:rbl'RY's famous for Archbishops, For brawn, and feasting on all sorts of dish — ups^ Also, sometimes, a Garrison, for those Who eit''er come, or go, to fight our foes. Now, of the Clergy I have nought to say, — They feast on week-days, and on Sandnyspray, — (Indeed, I hope they do ^:oth, every day 1) Kent is a County much renown"d for beauty ; I wi-^h to shig; of that — was now my duty : But a less grateful cn-e m) pen directs, — ■ iSraali Curates cannot always choose their texts ;)— 160 Tiie Discriminating Rtcruif. Tho'j just by \v?.y of preface, I declare Plow much the Sex is my peculiar cai'e. And that I'd rather treat about the Fair. My task, less tendtr, then, I won't prolong, As 'tis a Soldier who demands my song. A plough-tail lout had just acquired the grace To dress, to right or left — to march and face_, — Belonging to a Regiment, whose name Has oft been noted in the page of Fame; — He soon became a promising Recruit, — But wonderd they said — ' Fire !'' instead of ' Shoot !' — He knew in Norfolk that they slioot at birds. But dilferent Counties might have ditlerent words; — He knew not ought of — Johnson's Dicti onary , Nor was he skill'd in the Vocalu lanj ; But said, these different words ' sceind t/aite con — trary.' 161 Tlie Discrimiuatinii Kecruit. A man^ one day, had suddenly been sent. To take despatches some way oti'in Kent, As Orderly, — and to make no delay; But he retnrn'd not on the proper day. Having got drunk, and quarrell'd by the way. Plough-tail heard this, and said " it would be long " Before he learn't the Regimental tongue 3 " Here was a fellow drunk, as he could be, — * He, wonder'd why they called him Orderly ! 162 More 7:n;'/(x/, Hcrned Catllc. MORE ENGLISH PIORNED CATTLE. A Bull late got loose, a good distance from town, — But not on the East, on the North, or the South ; — — More likely, you say, in the County of Doivn, As you like, at Old Ireland, to screw up your mouth, Mrs. Slip-a-call visited Mrs. Van-Chouse, Who no notice took of her, for six weeks or more; But at last sent a letter — addressd to her house — To say — " iS^t?, herself, could not find out the door.' 163 More English Horned Cattle. Ireland and Yorkshire seldom cornuted. Now this is as true, as a Bull has got horns, — Or there's worth (tho' few horns) in the County of York : My Muse deals in truth, and at fallacy scorns, — I hope you won't think her the worse for her work. The following fact you may take, too, as certain. For never have I heard it's truth contradicted ; — On this Lady's shamrock I let down the curtain, — Tho" I thought 'twould be wrong, had I pass'd, and not pick'd it. OBSERVATION. This Female was call'd, ' Elegant,' and ' Free ;' But shunn'd that vulgar term sinceritij. M 2 164 A little She Bull — or a Faco Sheep — or a You Caif. A LITTLE SHE BULL, OR A EWE SHEEP, OR A YOU CALF. 1 rival the last 3 — there lived near Berkham stead, A Volunteer Yeoman, — 'who sheep kept a few : His breed he icish'd changed, and wrote to John Flamstead, To desire he'd send him — a Ram, or a Yeia. Flamstead sent him a feinale; at same time he said, — " If your sheep dortt produce, as I think cannot he, ■'There is l)ut one thing more, I can send you, instead, ■' If you think it will answer, — and that is the tree." Uli^ERVATIO^■. This man lived sly, his nest was feather 'd well, — ,\nd art he had, tho' not the art — to spell. 165 Hunting for Title. A Capital Fall HUNTING FOR TITLE. ll,RE France by anarchy was stain'd, And Kings instead of Emperors reigu'd, — His Majesty, near Foiituinellcau, Was one day hunting of a doc. The hounds run what we call — a lurst ; The King was not t!ie very first, But he was tolerably laid in, And no cause was there for upbraiding. Thus being in a goudish place, His horse was going all /lis pace. When at some rotten ground he stumbled, Flounder'd upon his knees, and tumbled. 166 Hunting for Title. Crown no Dcjllar. — Recommendation to be candid. The rider instantly came down. And pitch'd directly on his crown, — Not that, with jewels rich bespread ; I mean, he pitch'd upon his head; Which common word I did not use. Being worn by Pagans, Turks, and Jews ; And a good-hearted King was Louis,— No Pagan, Turk, or cruel Jew, he, — Poor man! ere this time, no ill knew he ! — This is just to elucidate ; My tale I go on to narrate, So, once for all, I mean hi:, — pate. Now, Mr. Growler, why fastidious ■ Ill-nature, recollect, is hideous: Perhaps, here to set forth your wit. You think to make a decent hit : 167 Hunting for Title. Mr. Bunt turned Pharmacopolist. But it is liberal to be just, — Praise where you can, blame where you must. — Nor say, " You wish some other head ''Had ." Fie! Mr. Growler ; that's ill bred ! So tinish'd here my paren thesis ; — Observe, the scene is laid when peace is. An Englishman — one Mr. Bunt, Belonging to the Croydon Hunt, First saw the King, and gave him succour: (So hr, indeed, he was in luck 3 or Had he lain there — ' unseen, unknown,' Poor man! had sooner lost his throne.) Bunt (juick produced his pocket pistol, Wish'd that the danger he had miss'd aU^ Of brandy, made him take a sup ; Did what he could, and raised him up. 168 Hunting far Title. Heraldic Investigation. — Required Family. Courtiers and Lords, attach'd to royalty. Came up by this, and shew'd their loyalty ; They laid the King upon a gate, i And took him to his palace straight^ > Not yet extinct by adverse Fate. J The Surgeon's skill I sha'n't explain, — My Readers why shotild I detain ? In short — the King got well again ; Then wish'd to shew Bunt some reward : He could not make him a French Lord, Being subject of another King, Whose praises all the world might ring : — — So otF he sent for La Fayette, Said — " He felt deeply in Bunfs debt, " Order'd he'd make out how he ranked, " For that he must be duly thanked j — 169 Hunting for Title. Difficulty of making Grains to swim. He first must be at Court presented. La Fayette soon the matter scented, — And learn'd Ah ! miserabie douleur ! That Bunt — in England — was a Brewer : Nolhing than this could be more pis ; He feared the thhig could never be. But Louis told hun — " Coicte qui coute, " The thing must he, and he should do't " The man, to thanks, had ample claim, — *' Some title he must find, or name." ■'' Well," said the Minister, " my tongue " Can ne'er be sullied by the Juing ; — " Nor, Most Beneficent Seigneur I " Can I declare — 'This is a Brewer:' — "■ Consider, Prince, thy rank on earth, — " Thy lineage, — and illustrious birth ! 170 Hunting for Title. The Honourable Compromis " Only reflect — Most Mighty Sire ! " How inappropriate thy desire ! " What will all Monarchs think, who hear " Louis receives — a Man of Beer ?" He'd fifty reasons, nor would stop. But rung the change on grain and hop, — '' How every Sovereign it would puzzle : " — But, here — tire King stopp'd short his muzzle. And said, — " The thing we can arrange, — " It will require but little change : " — 'Gainst etiquette we'll have no fault, — "■ So call him — Chevalier de Malt." 171 News-Vender's Reply — as actually delivered. Milaojn Street. NEWS-VENDER'S REPLY. *' Great News!" exclaim'd the Printer's Boy, As he pass'd by the shop of Molland : — <' Well ! — What is it about ? " — said I : — " Why, Sir, The Dutch have taken Holland!' 172 Lawyer's Opinion. L A \V i^ E R' S OPINION ■A. Solicitor once Mr. ullile had expectcil, To come upon business; But this he neglected. Still, — finding him mostly A pretty good Client ^ — The leeal Engrosser Was patient and pliant. 173 Lawyer's Opinion. Lass like a Lamb. — Use and Practice. That morn^ the Sohcitor's Lady had order'd A nevv-fashion'd cloak,, That was puckei'd aiul border'd . Which the MilUner sent. By a Miss hke a lamb, (I mean in her morals) To Mrs. Qui Tom. In her other perfections I enter nor fully : — Her skin might be clear, Or lier head niiy^ht be woolly. ■ xVrrived at the door, She applied to the bell : — — Thought the Lauyer — " He ^ now ec/o " And all will be welf 174 Lawyer's Opinion. Male and Female. — Snug Card Party. This was not at Gray's Inn., But Red-Lion Square ; Which., in spite of the name, Still produces some Fair, — Whose cloaks, gowns, and other things, with use will ivcar Qui Tarn heard the bell. Which he answer'd himself. Because he had always An eye to the pelf. His Wife had gone oui. As she heard he'd be busy. For a sixpenny rubber With Mrs. O'Tizzey, Who expected some card- playing Friends from the Borough, — Mrs. and the Miss Gin-tails, Mr. Noh, and Miss Furroiv. 175 Lawyer's OiiH[;n.ii ti'.iuy, i.i:'.i '.viiy.— Thij F.rroi It often means v/hat's soonest got — Additional to spit or pot.) — " Mrs. Bruili — should be vastly glad, *' If an}' partridge could be had.'' — So giving thus her kind consiMit^ To ring the bell — she straigluvray went ; — Which Footman answer'd^ — not on wiufs. For he had ju^t pull'd oti" — his things; — And had he come in ' una?int:a''d,' The mischief never could be heal'd. Mrs. Brush had much penetration. But shunn'd a nice investigation. — — Told him, " to send her Keeper — Flint:' — —Peg-it at this began to squint;, Turn'd up her eyes, like duck in thunder — Aixl said- — '• iMi/ dear, ijou raise niij wonder ; 195 The Widow /nis— judged. ^The Matter cleared up. " A Keeper means a thing that's na-^ghty — " Unclean — abominable — faulty : " Who could see Mrs. Brush to stir about, " And think that such attended her about ! " / certainly should think it slander " To hear of such a salamander.'' With fifty other things she utter' d^— As many grievances she mutter'd. But on wrong side her bread was butter' d j — For w hen her language was expended. Thus Mrs. Brush the matter ended : -" Now, pray, good Madam, where's the shame? " JFho, but my Keener — kills my Game?" 196 Echo surpassing .Sinjt's. Tnin entrapped. ECHO SURPASSING SWIFT'ii. hoii said — "■ If yon stand jn tlie Church of St. Peter, " The edui^ amazing — produced from the bell." — Put swore, at Drumcomlra the echo was sweeter. If you say ' How d'ye do?' — where it answers — ' Qi/ilr uuJL' Thi.s Pat had an Uncle, one day digging /j/-fl//t'5 *, At his cabin, half-way between Pcnli-gute and Chester , When a letter he got (so harsh sometimes Fate is,) For his Deary intended, by Trap, who caress'd her. * J'nifiis— AiiiDik- .if proniiiKiation lit" the uiiMii.liiMi. uttd but lioncst Hibcr- iiiaii, f..iMhi- .Ai>i)l<; uli)i.- j;.;nli. 197 Eclic) sari>;iL-siiig SirijVs.—" Hoins, Horns, Pigs' Hoviio." — I'nivcrsul Bonevolcurc So he went to his cottage, with hostile intention. Surprised him at breakfast by eight in the morn ; — Trap settled the matter, for him not to mention. And gave him a pig — saving, '-' There you've no horn,'' And, to make him more satisfied, Jiit on a way. To be sure one would think could succeed with but few ; — Trap told him his Wife traded — long in that M'ay, With Turk, or with Christian, — with Pagan, or Jew. He knew that Tom Sheers made a practice of filling her Head with a language too coarse to be spoken ; And whilst an apprentice to Jupon, the milliner. She had made up a sample, her Mam thought no joke on. 198 The Lady of the Pond. Beauty and Giare. — Th" Water Deit\ THE LADY OF THE POND. 'i_\vo Men were subpcEnaed on trial, at Hartford, To th' Assizes in Spring, t!io' obliged to come far for't. — These travellers came beyond Londo/i to Harts, And talk'd about Painting, 'ind Sculpture, and Arts: — At last, when they enter'd the fair street of H^nhicsdoii, (Where much that is good, and Httlc that's odd's done 3 Where Beauty with living and comfort excel-;, — As all know, who've dined there, or talk'd with the Belies,) They had got but a little way up in the town. Famed long before Gilpin had paj^'d with renown. 199 Tiie Lady rf the I'tmcL— — Sculptured Didquli'ui' n. When Parian cxclaira'd — " JFhat's that I sec far y' " It sure is Minerva — got out of her car T " Xo !" cried Squirt, "'tis like Venus, arisen from the sea, " The' she seems to be pouring out water for t.'.i : — " Whatever she be, whether Mortal or Goddess, " Her girdle is loose, and unzoned is her boddice. "■ " Had sl'C been in France — any one might think this is " Done by the same hand as Venus de Me — dlcis ' " So gracej^ul she seems, and so much at her ease, " The artist is equal to — Prax iteles .' " This conference done, they got up to the Figun', Wish'd her liquid was wine, and each had turn"d swigger. * The enlightened Header need scan ely b<'rcnrin Jed, 'hit the /lend u-i,:ks of Ancient Masters have been re.novcjd to I'ramc, fioin eouatries \ve.:i ii ha\e :,evn iilundered. The Picturesque Figure here treated of, [f ert r in Ital.;, v.-as prdbahl j I ru:;>Ltnn7:t ■ht-nce lont' prior to 'die Ga.'/ie lniT,erial Tlii'i\it.\ . or eveji 'l;e i>vee.(line Me'olation. 200 The Lady 0/ the Pond. With more of their converse I can't urge my Muse ; — Let such as would see it, go there if they choose: — For man and for horse, they'll find out what's plain meant ; And have they but gold, there is good entertainment, li gold, note, or lill, they need not go to fund it. But drink to the Lady — that stands at the Conduit. 201 TO ELIZA. -il/j.iZA ! youi" love-speaking <^yes Have pierced to my innermost hearty — Your skin, with the hly that vies. Surpasses all etforts of art. How happy, in mead or in grove. The Swain that attends you — to stray! How bless'd, if possess'd of your love, Enamoar'd he passes the day ! The Goddess whc bore off the prize. Could not nval you:" f:"atu;es and ease ;- Nor do odours from violets thaL ime Bestovv lialf so perfumed a breeze. 202 T.I i:ii-.r.. The Couch of CIm ntv. St. James c, bright circles can't boast A Nymph of more elegant mien ; Xor on Allion?, or Erin's famed coast Was so beauteous a form ever seen. May soft dreams hover round your chaste betl, Till your brightening eye-lid^ disclose ; And no step unliallow'd e'er tread. Where Sylphs shall protect your repose ! May happiness ever attend. And health reign within your abode ! — Jn each breast may you still find a friend. And of life — pass enamell'd the road I 203 To f'risclda. — Admirat'.im, — Enduarni-nr. — Fr; TO GRISELDA. (j'RiSELDJ, your cod-fishes' eyes Have pierced thro' the flap uf my heart ; Your skin, with the crocus that vies. Surpasses the sign-painter's art. How happy the snubby-nosed Swain, Who savours your redolent hide ! — How endearing to tbllovv your train. All cliarm'd by tliat 'orni bent aside ! No Nvmph of all Hecate i crew Couid rival your features and ease, — Xor — do dung- heaps, or meadows of rue. Bestow half so noisome a breeze. 204 To Criipldi!, Innocent Nocturnal Recreation. ;S^. Gilt's'ii bright circles can't boast A Girl of more elegant mien. Nor, 'twixt CormcaW ?, and Scotia's coast. Was so dingy a trollop e'er seen. May the lice and the fleas in your bed (O ! — rapturous scene of delight !) With the bugs there luxuriantly bred, Amuse your sweet person by night I May the itch, with each filthy disease. E'er inhabit your blissful abode ! — — May you feed on what garbage you please, And your voice be as soft — as the toad! 205 A sure Ruad. " Debe^lare Super- A SURE ROAD. IToM Bullock resided 'twixt Killurn and Hyde, Till Love came across him, and darted his flame j When he lix'd on a tight little Girl for his bride. Who sold calves' feet and tripe, in a village near Thame. He ask'd of a friend, if he could not go over To Thame, by a road which was nearer some way ? And was told, that, when married, with ease, as a lover, Ucdjhid himself Tame — without any delay. 206 Tiie Ineenuoiis Youth. ^Tlic Idea frr.m the Fi-etitlt. THE INGENUOUS YOUTH, A Sage, from worldly cares retired. His mind with Virtue's laws inspired. Intent on pious solitude. Lived in a calm sequester'd wood. And led his only son a Youth, To train him in the ways of truth, — Where precept, nor example wild. Might lead astray this much-loved child. Seasons pass'd o'er — the Youth began To feel the opening dawn of man. — It chanced, one day, a beauteous Maid, Wandering, towards their dwelling strayed, 207 'i*iit Insemioas Youth. And sought the P'aUier^ to explaui How she might reacli the distant plain. Inform' d, — she tripp'd, with footstep light The Youth, with wonder and delight. Gazed on the visionary ray. More striking than the blaze of day ; Strange wanderings felt, and ardent said — — "■' New feelings every sense pervade " Tell me what vision met my sight ? " IFhat srives me such unknown delight?" " Believe, my son, your Father's word^ — That unkfiDivn vision was — a Bird." <' A bird ! — my Father : — Oh, how bless'd. •■' With // couid I but make mij nest'"' THK V- \ I), /^r I'. Walls, PrinUr, i'.i-^-Aiow: UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY Los Angeles This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. Foi-ni L;i-3)/(-l'2.'5 5(Bti:i:i9s4;4 41 UKI' ^^.■.^. !ro^viN.i4 LO-j m. '■are - 572ii Squibs and V>228s crackers PR 5721^ ^»228s / / ' UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000 079 063