immaa^ GRIDIRONM NIGHTS I ARTHUR WALLACE DUNN r — ' — I LIBRARY I UNIVERSITY OF I CALIFORNIA ! SAN DIEGO : 1 GRIDIRON NIGHTS GRIDIRON NIGHTS HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL VIEWS OF POLITICS AND STATESMEN AS PRESENTED BY THE FAMOUS DINING CLUB BY ARTHUR WALLACE DUNN WITH ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS NEW YORK FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright, 1915, by Abthtjb Wallace Dunn All rights reserved October, 1915 THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THOSE ASSOCIATES WHOSE FERTILE MINDS ORIO- INATP:D THE INGENIOUS IDEAS, AND WHOSE EFFORTS EVOLVED THE MANY HUMOROUS SITUATIONS, HERE DESCRIBED: WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENTS WHO HAVE FOR THIRTY YEARS CONTRIBUTED THEIR SHARE OF THE WIT AND WISDOM TO AN ORGANIZATION WHICH IN ITS OWN WAY RECORDS THE HISTORY OF THE TIMES FOREWORD LET us not take ourselves too seriously," might be the motto of the Gridiron Club, for it inculcates that idea at its dinners where the most notable men of the world are guests. The Club has no fixed purpose save to entertain the friends of its members in a unique manner and to banish the boresome features of dining. In doing so it has written into the records of the years something of satire, something of senti- ment, all with the view of showing that it is a pretty good old world in which we live. It is the purpose of this volume to tell how a number of men of the same profession became associated in an organization to promote good fellowship, and how there developed the most famous dining organization in the world. Men of prominence and events of importance figure in Gridiron history. And while neither have been spared if suitable for ridicule or burlesque, the Club has never laid a hand upon a patriotic impulse or wounded the sensibilities of those in dis- tress. There has been so much in official life that could be burlesqued, so many men in high station whose acts could be ridiculed, that the Club has never wanted for material. There is an amusing side to national life. Men are never so great that they do not make mistakes, and in politics there is often humbug and pretense. All that is adaptable has been used by the Gridiron Club, and in its own way it has interpreted the acts of public men and depicted events which made the history of the time. CONTENTS CHAPTER I ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS The GniDraoN Club the Most Famous Dining Organization in the World — Unique Entertainments Attended by the Most Promi- nent Men in This Country and Visitors from Abroad — Old Newspaper Row and Differences with Congress — Clean and Wholesome Humor, Satirizing Statesmen and Burlesquing Events — Writing History in Its Own Way 1 CHAPTER II FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS First Appearance of Theodore Roosevelt and William H. Taft — UNKNO^VN AS Presidential Possibilities — Development of Club Talent — Contest for the Speakership in the Fifty-second Congress — Gorman's Fight against the Force Bill 10 CHAPTER III PRESIDENT HARRISON SURPRISES THE CLUB Chief Executive Delights Members by a Witty Speech — Calls News- paper Men Inventors and Discusses Reports of Cabinet Proceed- jNGs — The Country Band the First Costume Skit — Getting a Presidential Smile — Can Sauce Back at Gridiron Dinners . . 18 CHAPTER IV CARTOONS AND COMMENTS Caricatures of Members and Guests — President Hatton's Intro- ductions AND Rejoinders — Capitol More Interesting Than the White House — Menu a Tariff Bill — Getting Even with Sena- tor Chandler — Speech in Kanaka Recalls Similar Efforts in OK Chinese and French ix CONTENTS CHAPTER V CLEVELAND AND THE GRIDIRON CLUB Only President Who Did Not Attend the Dinners — Strained Re- lations WITH Newspaper Men — Resented Burlesques of Presidential Actions — Members of the Cabinet at a Dinner — Received Instructions — The First Ambassador — Restora- tion OF Queen Liliuokalani a Memorable Gridiron Skit ... 30 CHAPTER VI THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY Ghost Dance of Statesmen Defeated in the Election of 1894 — Gor- man Presented with the White House and Reed Gets a Revolver — The Cleveland-Hill Reconciliation Burlesqued — Attend- ance OF THE Papal Delegate Creates a Flurry 41 CHAPTER VII UPHOLDING THE MONROE DOCTRINE Schomburgk Line Furnishes Third Burlesque on the Cleveland Administration — Presidential Possibilities of 1896 — First Memorial — Ladies' Leap-Year Dinner — Cuba Libre in a Pro- phetic Speech — Honoring a Charter Member of the Club ... 47 CHAPTER VIII CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS Last of Cleveland and Beginning of McKinley — Royal Flush of Clubs Picturing Events — Telephone Conversation with Canton — President McKinley a Guest — A Republican Elephant — The "Little Corporal" Demands Prosperity and Pie and the Pie Appears — Hanna Makes a Hit 56 CHAPTER IX THE EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 President of the Second Hawaiian Republic Helps a Skit — Minister Wu's Retort to Reed — Lodge and Grosvenor in Civil Service Scrap — Forecasting the War with Spain — Guests Commissioned Vice-Admirals — Hanna Pleads for Peace and is Defied by Roose- velt 65 CONTENTS XI CHAPTER X MOST NOTABLE DINNER EVER GIVEN Distinguished Array of Guests — Presidents, Premiers, Chancellors, Cabinet Officers, Diplomats, Army and Navy Officers of the Spanish War, and other Prominent Persons — An Anglo-Saxon Demonstration — Gridiron Commission Reports — An Interest- ing Souvenir 74 CHAPTER XI PEACE TREATY AND THE PHILIPPINES Ratifying the Treaty with Spain — How the Club Treated the Most Stirring Event of the Winter of 1899 — Reference to the Mormon Controversy — The Philippine Insurrection and Capture OF Aguinaldo 85 CHAPTER XII THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 Imperialism a Live Subject — William J. Bryan Attends a Dinner FOR THE First Time — Civilizing Ben Tillman — Guests of the Lotus Club and a Glimpse of Gov. Roosevelt — Holding a Na- tional Convention — Benjamin Harrison and Joe Jefferson Guests — Election Aftermath — Reorganizing the Democratic Party 95 CHAPTER XIII BEGINNING OF THE NEW CENTURY An Elaborate Twentieth Century Primer — Hazing Army Officers — Inaugurating a President — Scene in the Press Gallery — Bryan Becomes an Editor — Roosevelt as Alice in Wonderland — A Strenuous Cabinet Meeting 106 CHAPTER XIV ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY Attends First Dinner as President — The Miles Incident — Yellow Yawp Illustrates a Phase of Journalism — Instructions to the xii CONTENTS Special Ambassador — Hanna "the Man Who" — Bears Seeking THE Bear Hunter — The New House Rules — Seeing Washing- ton 122 CHAPTER XV BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS J. Pierpont Morgan and Other Captains of Industry on the Gridiron — Recalling the Great Coal Strike — A New Columbus — Prominent Guests in Picture and Verse — Spanish Minister Speaks — Uncle Joe in the Speaker's Chair — Trying Out a Flying ISIachine — Birth of the New Republic of Panama . . . 134 CHAPTER XVI GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX Diplomats Shocked and Guests Disturbed by Mirza Ali Asgar Kahn, Grand Vizier of Persia — "Hurrah for Hanna," and His Last Appearance — Jai Alai, the Havana Gambling Game — President Roosevelt Startles Diners; "We Will Build the Canal" — National Conventions and Election of 1904 — Supreme Court Minstrels — After Twenty Years 143 CHAPTER XVII THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY Playing at Roosevelt and the Retorts of the President — Bryan Charges that T. R. Stole His Platform — Reciprocal Relations BETWEEN the ClUB AND RoOSEVELT — IMPEACHMENT OF CaNNON — Peace Conference — Taft and the Ohio Campaign 154 CHAPTER XVIII GRIDIRON CLUB AND THE BIG CANAL Make-Believe Trip to Panama, Showing the President What Was Wrong — Santo Domingo Troubles — Gridiron Guide to Wash- ington — Picked Taft as Roosevelt's Successor — Speaker Can- non's Dinner and Danville Folks — Simple Speller and Gridiron Dikshunary — Taft the Administration Fireman — Harriman Lectures Roosevelt — The Brownsville Incident 163 CONTENTS Xlll CHAPTER XIX FAMOUS ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT "Imperialism" of the Administration Portrayed and the President Shows His Displeasure — Hit at Taft's Uncertain Frame of Mind — Cushman-Bede Humor Contest — Undesirable Citizens* Association — Nature Faking — The Fairbanks Cocktail — Lec- ture FOR New Senators — Gov. Johnson of Minnesota Makes a Remarkable Impression 17g CHAPTER XX CAMPAIGN OF 1908 OVERSHADOWED BY ROOSEVELT Paragorical Pinafore Presented by the Club as a Hit at Doctors in Command of Ships — The Fleet Starts Around the World — Campaign Song Book — Hint at Roosevelt's Candidacy in 1912 — President and Vice-President, President-Elect and Vice-Presi- dent-elect ALL AT A Dinner — What to Do with an Ex-President; Almost a Prophecy — In the Jungles of Africa 194 CHAPTER XXI GOOD-BY TO A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT Many Jolts for Roosevelt — Differences Between President and Congress Furnish Amusing Topics — Secret Service Espionage — T. R. Resents Burlesque of His Homes Commission — H2O Al- manac — Said Andrew Carnegie: "Aboolish the Tariff" . . . 206 CHAPTER XXII BEGINNING OF THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION Oh, What a Change! — The Club Senses the Difference, and Makes A Forecast — The Taft Georgia Minstrels — First Appearance of Insurgents — Cook and Peary Discover the North Pole — Suffragettes Appear — Simple Food in Alaska — The Dream Book — Archie Butt 216 CHAPTER XXIII DEALS GENTLY WITH THE ADMINISTRATION The Twenty-Fifth Anniversary — Roosevelt, Though Far Away, Furnishes Topics — Back from Elba Club — Uncle Joe's Cabin, xiv CONTENTS OR Life Among the Insurgents — Shirt-Sleeve Diplomacy Ridi- culed — Remarkable Speech by Senator Gordon of Mississippi . 225 CHAPTER XXIV FIRST TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY IN SIXTEEN YEARS Election Results of 1910 Furnish Interesting Features — Seeking TO Ride with Miss Democracy — First Mention of Woodrow Wilson — Gridiron Playhouse as Souvenir — Display of Lame Ducks — President Taft Pokes Fun at Gov. Harmon — Coolness Between Taft and Roosevelt 233 CHAPTER XXV POLITICAL EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR Management of the House Under New System Burlesqued — Japa- nese War Scare Discovered — Imitation of Orators at the Dinners — Mother Goose in Gridiron Rhyme — Touching up Taft — Peace Dove a Goose — Faust in Politics — Unique Supreme Court — Peerless Leader Present by Proxy 242 CHAPTER XXVI POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS IN 1912 The Campaign and Its Results — The String to Roosevelt's Declara- tion — Famous Democratic Steeple-chase — Dame Marketing Complains of High Prices — Penrose and Kern Surprise Every- body — After the Battle — Three National Chairmen Sit Side by Side — Rubbish of the Campaign — "We've got to Go, but We're Coming Back" — "Nothing on T. R." — Don Woodrow Vanquishes the Bull Moose — The Famous "Battle of Arme- geddon" 260 CHAPTER XXVII TAFT SUN SETS — WILSON ON THE HORIZON An Inauguration Parade — "Mr. William" and "Mr. Theodore" Attempt to Ride One Animal and Smash It — All-Bryan Cabinet Advises One Presidential Term — Democratic Tourists in Statu- ary Hall — Rush for Office Repulsed by Prof. Higher Educa- tion 271 CONTENTS XV CHAPTER XXVIII BREAKING IN A NEW ADMINISTRATION President Wilson at His First Gridiron Dinner — Jeffersonian Democracy at the White House — Interviewing the New Cabinet — Democratic Light-house Keeper and the Good Ship Platform — Bryan Bears the Brunt of Gridiron Satire — Burlesque op Events in Song and Skits — Vice-President Marshall Makes Good 279 CHAPTER XXIX AN EVENTFUL YEAR EPITOMIZED Happenings of 1914 Depicted in the Gridiron Way — Valentines for Guests — Satire on the Policies of Cabinet Officers — Up-to- Date Cabaret — Pursuit of the Trusts — Apt Alliteration Looks for Watchful Waiting — Election Causes Conflicting Claims — Uncle Sam's Wards — Photographing the Senate — Old Home Week 289 CHAPTER XXX THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE CLUB XXX Displayed in the Beautiful Decorations an Emblem of Three Decades of Gridiron Dining — Current Events Depicted in Many Skits — Troubles of Mother Democracy — Bryan Re- ceives Much Attention — Pirates of Politics a Merry Musical Band — Trial of Presidential Candidates 311 CHAPTER XXXI THE GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS Entertainments Aside from Its Real Function as a Dining Club — Prominent Men Have Been Hosts — Many Delightful Trips — Entertainments for Ladies — Will Attempt Gridiron Dinners Only When in Control ^^^ xvi CONTENTS CHAPTER XXXII SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT OF THE CLUB Gridiron Entertainments Depend Upon Organization — The Presi- dent Has Absolute Control — Features Begin with the Dinner — No Contributions Are Accepted — An Association of News- paper Men Built Upon Goodfellowship and Sustained by Senti- ment 338 The Gridiron Club, 1915 347 Presidents of the Gridiron Club 348 List of Members of the Gridiron Club, 1885-1915 349 Appendix — Prominent Guests of the Gridiron Club 357 GRIDIRON NIGHTS GEIDIRON NIGHTS CHAPTER I ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS The Gridiron Club the Most Famous Dining Organization IN the World — Unique Entertainments Attended by THE Most Prominent Men in This Country and Visi- tors FROM Abroad — Old Newspaper Row and Differ- ences WITH Congress — Clean and Wholesome Humor, Satirizing Statesmen and Burlesquing Events — Writ- ing History in Its Own Way. THIRTY years ago there originated in Washington what was destined to be- come the most famous dining club in the world — the Gridiron Club. The coterie of Washington correspondents among whom the idea was born gave it Httle thought at the time; they had no premonition that they had organized the greatest dining club in history; that its fame would in time spread beyond the limits of the National Capital; beyond the confines of the United States and into all lands where civilization has been carried. Like so many notable achievements it had its inception in a sudden impulse without definite aim or consider- ation of the future. Years ago there existed in Washington what was *> GRIDIRON NIGHTS known as Newspaper Row. It is only a memory now. But in those "high and far-off times" when the great newspapers of the country were represented (had their Washington branches) in a group of shabby little buildings along Fourteenth Street, be- tween F Street and Pennsylvania Avenue, it was the pleasant custom for statesmen to stop on Newspaper Row on their way from the Capitol. Cabinet officers, too, and men prominent in all walks of life used to make it a point to drop into the little cubby-holes that were then the offices of the Washington corres- pondents. There they discussed national affairs and exchanged views with such well-known men in the journalistic w^orld as Ben: Perley Poore, Gen. H. V. Boynton, Maj. John M. Carson, Francis A. Richardson, James R. Young, Fred Perry PoAVERS, P. V. DeGraw, David R. McKee, O. O. Stealey, E. B. Wight, E. G. Dunnell, Henry B. F. Macfarland, Am- brose W. Lyman, Frank A. Dupuy, Selden N. Clark, Fred A. G. Handy, Charles M. Ogden, George W. Adams, Robert J. Wynne, Perry S. Heath, Charles T. Murray, M. G. Seckendorf, and others of that time, a few of whom are still here, though the majority have crossed the Great Divide. Then came a time when these pleasant relations were inter- rupted. A treaty pending in the Senate was printed and indignant Senators caused the arrest of correspondents whose papers had published the treaty and demanded that they tell from whom it came. This was refused. The newspaper men were sent to jail. The whole body of correspondents attacked the Senate and public opinion forced the release of the two men. The Credit Mobilier expose by the correspondents made still more trouble and the breach widened. There also came a day, near the close of the Forty-seventh Congress, when there was a struggle for the possession of the press gallery of the House of Representatives. It was an excit- ing period in Congress and the pressure for admission to all of the galleries by visitors was very great. Members of the House saw vacant seats in the press gallery, for all the correspondents were not there all the time, and these members obtained cards ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS from Speaker Keifer admitting their friends to that gallery. As a result, a swarm of sightseers filled the press gallery shutting out the newspaper men from their working seats. Late at night the visitors departed and Gen. Boynton took charge of the gallery, with all the correspondents behind him. They were organized into squads and stood guard at the door throughout the night and during the forenoon of the day of final adjournment. Visitors with the Speaker's cards were turned away, even when they came with their members. The author- ity of the Sergeant-at-Arms was defied, as the correspondents had determined to make a fight for their privileges. They won, but the fight was carried into the next Congress, and charges were made against Boynton and others which were proved to be without foundation. It may seem strange that these conditions should have led to the formation of a dining club which has achieved such a high reputation as the Gridiron, but such is the fact. In the first place, it brought the newspaper men together. They talked about a close organization; a union; press club; in fact, any- thing which would make them an organized force. They met at little dinners. Then a friend of the correspondents, Mr. R. F. Crowell, gave them a dinner one night, and, as good fellowship prevailed, wit flashed, humor held sway, songs were sung, some one asked, "Why shouldn't we do this for ourselves occasion- ally.^" And it struck a responsive chord. That was the beginning. A club was organized, not without some difficulty — in fact, a great deal of knocking — and for a time it looked as if it might peter out. The club was not designed to be a union, nor a brotherhood; it was an associa- tion of kindred spirits. Senators, Representatives, and other public men were invited to the dinners. There were speeches, songs, stories, quips, jests, and roasts, — hence the Gridiron. Oh, those old days! The dinners were small, not the 275-cover affairs of today, but twenty-five, forty, and finally a dinner of seventy-five guests and members reached high-water mark. The guests were men GRIDIRON NIGHTS who could talk, although they seldom were allowed to finish a speech. Interruptions, questions, snatches of song, and, often- times, severe comments, either floored the speaker, or he proved so good that he was allowed to go on. The Gridiron Club in those old days patterned after the Clover Club of Philadelphia, which was three years older and then held the premier position of a fun-making dining club. But there has been a marvelous change in a quarter of a century. From that small beginning the Gridiron has become the most famous dining club in the world. Its entertainments are unique. It dines the brainiest men of America and the representatives of foreign countries. It entertains Presidents, Cabinet Members, Senators, Representatives, Ambassadors, Gen- erals, Admirals, professional men, scientists, business men, financiers, politicians, plutocrats, and others who have distin- guished themselves in different walks of life. Every President has been a guest at Gridiron dinners since the Club was organ- ized, with the exception of President Cleveland. With such an array of prominent guests, the Gridiron Club has always had plenty of material to draw upon. More than that, the National Capital is the center of all the political activi- ties of the government; and world events, as they affect the American nation, have their birth or fruition in Washington. Each important event as it came along has been treated by the Gridiron in its own peculiar way. It is the humorous side of the picture that is presented, and many situations upon which the thunders of eloquence have been exploded, and which have been considered of grave import by statesmen, have been shown not to be so serious after all. The Club holds up the mirror to those who sit in the seats of the mighty and shows them in the reflex, with a touch of humor and satire, that even in the national and international complications which surround them there is a lighter side to the picture. Presidential policies and pronunciamentos, legislative tangles, and international disputes are subjects for burlesques, and to the men in charge of these affairs of state and legislation the Gridiron presentation often shows a way out. THE GRIDIRON CLUB. .vs^. Little Neck Clams POTAGE. Consomme Royal. HORS D CEUVRES. BoucWes 11 la Reiiii-. Triiife. Sauce Genevoise. SaladL- de Coiit'omhivs. KELEVE. Cotflettt's (VAguciiu, Pc-tUs ViAa. ENTKEES. I'atP ill- J''<.ii- Gi-as t-n Belk- Viie. A.-:i)t-rgt:S en BraucliHri. Saladc ill- Vulaille Maviinn:iis" DESSERT. Kraise.s t-t Ci-Cint-. Vnnillii et Water Ic Cafe Noir. Fi'ijiiia^jr pinner ©onxntittvi.'. Ch*s. T Muhbay, O. O. Stealev, Wklkkkk's. .!/'(// 23, 1««5. Geo. W. Adams First Menu Card ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS "The Gridiron Club dinners," once remarked former Ambas- sador James Bryce of Great Britain, *'are to me not only the best of entertainments, but they are instructive as to present events and forecasts of the future." "I wish to heaven that the United States Senate would take a lesson from the Gridiron Club," said the late Senator Frye of Maine, commenting upon one of the stunts that had been presented regarding an important treaty then pending in the Senate. Under the sub-title "The Famous Gridiron Dinners," Presi- dent Taft, writing on the "Personal Aspects of the Presidency," in the Saturday Evening Post, says: "The Gridiron dinners, at which of late years I was a regular attendant, are worthy of mention. They furnished a great deal of fun, some of it bright and excruciating, and all of it of a popular flavor, because it was at the expense of those of the guests who were in the public eye. After some training, both as Secretary of War and as President, I was able to smile broadly at a caustic joke at my expense and seem to enjoy it, with the consolatory thought that every other guest of any prominence had to suffer the same penalty for an evening's pleasure. The surprise and embarrassment of foreign ambassadors at their first Gridiron dinner, and their subsequent whole-hearted appreciation of the spirit of these occasions, showed how unique a feature they were of Washington political life." Far from being anything like a coordinate branch of the government, or even sharing the power of the Fourth Estate, the Gridiron Club has had a very important influence in pubhc affairs during the past quarter of a century. It has created a history of its own. The measure of many a man has been taken at a Gridiron dinner, and his success enhanced or marred as the result of a single speech. Unknown men have become prominent in a night and well-known men have been relegated to back seats because of mistakes or failures. And all this, notwith- standing the rule of the Club that the speeches of its guests shall not be made public. The many prominent guests as well 6 GRIDIRON NIGHTS as the members of the Club size up a man by what he says or what he does when subjected to the Gridiron tests, and by these tests he rises or falls. It should not be understood that the Club in any sense tries out men for any purpose. It just happens in the day's work — or more properly in the night's work — for all men are but incidents of a Gridiron dinner; they are used if necessary, but not with any idea of making or breaking repu- tations. Originally the membership of the Club was limited to forty. In its formation men of the highest standing as Washington correspondents and representing the most important newspapers of the country were selected. At first there was some difficulty in securing the full quota, as several prominent correspondents regarded such an organization with disfavor, others thought it trivial, and still others believed it could not last. But the right kind of men guided its destiny. Soon it be- came known that to belong to the Gridiron Club was a distinc- tion. In later years, when a number of members retired from actual newspaper work, and the corps of Washington corres- pondents had become largely increased, the limit was raised to fifty active members. There is always on the waiting-list the names of several very eligible candidates for admission. When the Gridiron Club became so very popular, a number of Senators and Representatives who had been guests many times signified their desire to become limited members, but the Club wisely decided to maintain its membership strictly upon the old lines, and in these days no suggestion of further exten- sion of the limited list is made. Of course, the limit makes membership more desirable. The objection of two active members can cause the withdrawal of a name, and, besides, a candidate must receive a majority vote of the entire active membership to be elected. Many years ago, as the character of the dinners changed, it was decided to admit a few limited members, men not engaged actively in newspaper work, but who were especially desirable because of talent which working newspaper men did not possess ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS or had no time to cultivate. Ten such men are now members, among them musicians and artists who contribute largely to the Gridiron program. There are twenty non-resident members, newspaper men who were once active correspondents in the National Capital, but who are now scattered far and wide, not only in this country but abroad. Time in its flight makes many changes. Of the founders of the Gridiron Club in 1885, only seven were members on the thirtieth anniversary. Clean, wholesome humor marks an entire Gridiron perform- ance. If there are dull moments it is the fault of some speaker who has failed to make good. In its infancy, the Club made a rule that ladies are constructively present, and nothing that w^ould offend a woman is ever permitted. It was also found that the free and easy speeches of guests were often misinter- preted when published, and so the rule was made that no speech of a guest should be reported. Consequently, at the beginning of every dinner, the President announces that the Club has two rules, "Ladies are always present, and reporters are never pres- ent." In this day, the first announcement is scarcely necessary, but the second is assurance to all speakers that they may take the bridle off and say what they please, without fear of their remarks appearing in print. Once in a great while something happens that no amount of care can suppress. There was the Roosevelt-Foraker incident. It caused so much excitement, and was so very interesting and dramatic, that guests bubbled over with it when they entered the corridor of the hotel and a considerable amount of what transpired became public property. As one man told a friend in the cafe in a voice that could be heard by dozens of people: "It was the greatest thing you ever saw. You can't often go to a dinner and have a joint debate between the President of the United States and a United States Senator, especially a snappy Rough Rider like Roosevelt and a 'Fire Alarm' Sena- tor like FORAKER." There was one other publication which carried with it an 8 . GRIDIRON NIGHTS amusing incident, and which was not at all serious. Away back in 1895, Archbishop, afterward Cardinal, Satolli came to this country and established the first Papal representation in Wash- ington. He was not a minister, nor was he accredited as an envoy to the United States. His status was somewhat indefinite. He was often asked to make a statement as to why he came and his purpose, but refused. Soon after arriving in America he was invited to a Gridiron dinner, and, after inquiring as to the char- acter of the Club, he accepted. He was of course a noted guest, and had been informed that he would be called upon to speak. He attended in his clerical habit and was a striking figure. When called upon to speak he said a few words, explaining that, as his English was imperfect, his secretary would read what he had to say. Dr. Rooker, afterward a Bishop in the Philippines, then read the address, while the Archbishop, with his hands folded over his stomach, leaned back with a satisfied smile. It sounded like a strange paper for such an occasion, as it explained definitely about the establishment of the legation and the purposes of the Church in sending a representative to America. The Archbishop had delivered his message to the American people! When the address was concluded the secretary of the Club requested the copy, saying, "not for publication, but for the Club records." "He wants it published," said Dr. Rooker. "We have given it to a press association." A hasty meeting of the executive committee was called and the address was released so that all papers might have it. At that time, the address was news. How many people now know or care what it contained? And yet it contributed to the history which the Gridiron Club was making. On one other occasion part of a speech made at a Gridiron dinner was published. It contained the pointed remarks which President Harrison delivered at a dinner when the Club was still young. What he said was so interesting that a member of the Club repeated most of it in his oflSce and a correspondent, ORIGIN AND EARLY DAYS 9 not a Gridiron man, took it down and telegraphed it to his paper. President Harrison was a great surprise to the Grid- iron Club and its guests. During nearly all his administration he had been known as a cold, austere man, but near its close he attended a dinner and revealed an entirely new and unsuspected side of his character. CHAPTER II FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS First Appearance of Theodore Roosevelt and William H. Taft — Unknown as Presidential Possibilities — Development of Club Talent — Contest for the Speakership in the Fifty-second Congress — Gor- man's Fight against the Force Bill. NO member of the Gridiron Club had any idea that two future Presidents were among their guests at the dinners given in the early nineties. So it happened that Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Taft, both of whom were often star guests in after years, were treated as ordinary mortals upon their first appearance, subjected to the quips and jests of the members, and had to struggle through their speeches with many inter- ruptions. Mr. Roosevelt was regarded as an erratic character, full of emotions and ideas, a bundle of energy and determination, but whose dreams of reform were far beyond practical politics. No one could imagine then, even from an intimate acquaintance with the man, that he would be able to combine the two so successfully. Mr. Taft was but little known. He is remem- bered as a good-natured, lawyer-like individual, with a merry laugh, able to pick his way through a Gridiron fire of interrup- tions, but he was not a man to create sensations or fill space in the newspapers. In those days, however, began a warm friendship between Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Taft. They called each other "Will'* and "Theodore," a custom that continued until sometime dur- ing the winter of 1908-9. Theodore Roosevelt made his first appearance at a Grid- iron dinner in January, 1890, when he was Civil Service Commissioner. He had been appointed in 1889, by President Harrison, and he administered the ofiice with such vigor, without favor to either Republicans or Democrats, that he made enemies 10 FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS ll in both parties. He gave President Harrison many uncom- fortable half-hours by attacking friends of the President who were trying to get around the civil service regulations. Mr. Roosevelt was a constant target for Frank Hatton, editor of the Washington Post, who scarcely let a week pass without a sarcastic editorial berating all civil service reformers and Mr. Roosevelt in particular, and so the Commissioner was intro- duced with this little verse: Is this Mr, Roosevelt, can any one tell? Is this the young man Mr. Hatton loves well? Where does he come from, and what is his mission? Is this Mr. Roosevelt of the Civil Service Commission? In response Mr. Roosevelt said: "After this spontaneous effusion, I am reminded of Mr. Campbell's attack on me in the New York legislature, when I introduced a certain bill. He charged that I occupied a quasi position, where- upon Colonel Michael C. Murphy walked over and touched him on the shoulder, and said : ' How dare ye quote Latin on the flure av this house, when ye don't know the Alpha and Omega of the language.'" In February, 1891, William H. Taft was a guest for the first time. He was then Solicitor General in the Department of Justice. He was called upon to make a speech, but he did not make any particular or noteworthy impression. The fact that he was a guest quite frequently afterward showed that he was popular with members of the Club. In fact this was attested often in later years, and as President he was shown extraordinary courtesies by the Club. It is rather interesting to recall, in connection Old Home of the Club n GRIDIRON NIGHTS with Mr. Taft*s first appearance at a Gridiron dinner, that his host on that occasion was Robert J. Wynne, and that they afterward sat together at President Roosevelt's cabinet table. It may add a touch of grim humor also to say that when Mr. Taft became President, Wynne was Consul-General at London, and one of the first oflScial acts of the new President was to appoint Wynne's successor. During the early part of the Harrison administration the President was very much annoyed by the office-seekers. Most of them stayed in Washington for months and others kept com- ing year after year. The men who wanted federal positions would buttonhole every man they met. They spent much time in the offices on Newspaper Row reading the home papers and discussing their chances of appointment with the Washington correspondents. In reply to a casual inquiry as to their pros- pects they would reply, "Well, I've got my papers on file." This oft-repeated remark inspired Robert M. Larner of the Charleston News and Courier, to write a topical song with that line as the refrain, and sung to the tune of Goodbye, My Lover, Goodbye. It made a great hit at a dinner when a number of these place hunters were guests. From out of Indiana, the President's State, about that time came Hubbard T. Smith, who had a fund of wit and song. He contributed to the Gridiron repertoire, Listen to My Tale of Woe, and Swinging in the Grapevine Swing. And they are never heard now that we do not think of Hub Smith and his winning ways. Harrison sent him abroad on a consular job, the first Gridiron federal appointment, of which many followed in subsequent administrations. Came also about that time Herndon Morsell with The Song that Reached My Heart, which for many years brought to a close in a sentimental vein dinners that had bubbled and sparkled with wit and eloquence. In those days the Gridiron quartette was developed. There were members of the Club who sang — after a fashion — but as the dinners became more important it was found that better FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS 13 music added to the entertainment. In the later days the members of the quartette have figured in various operatic fea- tures which have ridiculed some of the choice policies of adminis- trations. The first quartette consisted of Herndon Morsell, Alex. Mosher, J. Henry Kaiser and W. D. Hoover. The first three with John H. Nolan constituted the quartette on the thirtieth anniversary of the Gridiron Club. Henry Xander, the pianist, became a limited member in the early days and has contributed very largely toward the success of the musical features. Then there was and still is, Alfred J. Stofer of the Bir- mingham News, who has always been called "Major" because he was born and raised south of the Potomac river. He brought with him his banjo, a negro dialect, a fund of Southern stories, and, what has contributed to the enjoyment of every dinner, a number of "coon songs," including Roll on, Heave dat Cotton, When I Walk Dat Levee 'Round, and, greatest of all, De Water- million Hangin' on de Vine. Those guests who have heard the song rendered in the Major's inimitable manner, and especially the "steadies," as our friends are called who never miss a dinner, would almost go on strike if they couldn't have Stofer and the "Watermillion." Always ready to entertain notables, the Gridiron Club in 1890 had as its guests Admiral Silviera and staff of the Bra- zilian Navy. They appeared in their gorgeous uniforms, and were accompanied by the Brazilian Minister, Senhor Valente. Ad- miral Silviera made use of the occasion to deliver an important speech on the relations between Brazil and the United States. "A lively scramble for the gavel," was a Hue in a topical song sung at a Gridiron dinner in February, 1891, and the names of Mills, Crisp and Springer were mentioned as Speakership possibilities. This was followed by a civil service examination of the different candidates, and men even with remote chances were included. The stunt was based upon the preceding election in 1890, when the Republicans were swept from power in the House and such well-known leaders as William McKinley and 14 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Joseph G. Cannon, and a host of others, prominent in pubHc Hfe at that time, went down to defeat, leaving Tom Reed stranded with about eighty party followers. "Tom Reed will not be in the Speaker's chair," sang the Gridiron Club, not with glee, because he was one of our favorites and went to all the dinners, but because it was a fact. "Springer, Mills and Crisp will be there," was another line with the further information that there would be "a lively scramble for the gavel." And that was indeed a correct forecast, for the fight for Speaker of the Fifty-second Congress was the most bitter contest of the kind in sixty years. It became to quite an extent a Cleveland and anti-Cleveland fight wuthin the Democratic party. The Senate took a hand and Democrats of influence all over the United States became involved. The caucus was unable to settle the contest before the day when Congress assembled and there were adjournments of the House while ballots were taken and wires were pulled in the Democratic caucus. Crisp and Mills were the leading candidates and Springer was an important cog in the wheel because he withdrew at the opportune time, making Crisp Speaker, and himself landing as Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. Incidentally, William J. Bryan was a member of the House for the first time that session. He voted for Springer to the end of the long-drawn-out contest. He was made a member of the Ways and Means Committee, an honor seldom accorded a new member. The dinner was held nearly a year before the contest for Speaker was determined, and yet the Gridiron Club, with prophetic voice, sang the following verse, when Mr. Crisp of Georgia was called upon to speak: I want to be a Speaker and with Speakers stand, A book of rules before me, a gavel in my hand. And when the caucus meets here, I am going for to try To be elected Speaker, or know the reason why. The Club did not take sides in the Speakership contest, but there was a desire among most of its members to see Crisp win. FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS 15 which was generally shared by all the newspaper men. Mills was irascible, impetuous generally, and oftentimes brusque with the correspondents. Crisp was calm, good-natured, and ever affable to them. Then he had been the leader in the most strenuous fight that the Democrats had put up against Reed and we all enjoyed a good contest and admired a good leader, no matter which side won. There was another reason. Mills was backed by that coterie which had constituted itself the guardian of the Democratic party and was particularly the Cleveland wing of the party. It consisted of Mills of Texas, the two Breckenridges, of Kentucky and Arkansas, William L. Wilson of West Virginia, McMillin of Tennessee, Bynum of Indiana, and a few others, who, when Carlisle was Speaker, absolutely ran the House. Reed had ruled the House with a rod of iron and had shown no quarter. Once in riotous times, William D. Bynum had gone to the limit and been censured by a vote of the Republican majority. During the Gridiron Speakership contest, Wilson, who in the Fifty-third Congress succeeded Springer as Chair- man of the Ways and Means Committee, and later was Post- master-General, said in the course of a very humorous speech: *'ToM Reed has been the worst we ever had, and he has been supported by the Republicans all the time. Let's give 'em the meanest man we've got. Let's give 'em Bynum." The Indiana man was present and took his medicine like a man. And, oh, the whirly-gig of politics! Bynum bolted Bryan in 1896; supported McKinley; landed a good job; became a Republican. The Force Bill, also known as the Lodge Election Bill, was the most important matter in Congress during the closing days of the Fifty-first Congress. And in those days what was im- portant in Congress was an important national affair. That was before everything centered in the White House. The Republicans were making every effort to pass the bill in the Senate before the 4th of March, for if it failed there would 16 GRIDIRON NIGHTS be no further opportunity to enact such legislation. The Democrats, under the leadership of Senator Arthur P. Gorman of Maryland, fought with such success that they compelled the bill to be laid aside, never to be again brought forward. The bill was defeated by a filibuster deliberately planned and carried out. The Democratic senators in relays talked all day, and all night too, when the Republicans forced night ses- sions and endeavored to wear out their opponents. But Senator Gorman, or some other Democrat was constantly on guard and insisted that the Republicans maintain a quorum. Gorman often made the point of no quorum. In these days such a con- dition would have been made into a Gridiron stunt, but at that time it was treated in speeches and song. Edwin B. Hay, ever ready with a recitation or a song, who was known far and near on account of his prominence as an Elk and in the Masonic order, sang a few verses built upon Gilbert and Sullivan's "Titwillow" in the Mikado, one verse of which was: Mr. Gorman, of Maryland, sat in his chair; Saying, "Quorum, no quorum, no quorum"; So the roll of the Senate was called then and there To make up a quorum, a quorum. Only twenty responded; "O where are the rest?" "You'll find them," said Edmunds, "at home and undressed"; So the Sergeant-at-Arms started out in his quest To capture a quorum, a quorum. To maintain a quorum was almost impossible, for after a few all-night sessions the Senators would steal away and go to bed. There was quite a number of Republicans who really did not care about the elections bill, but it was a party measure. President Harrison was urging it and the Republicans felt bound at least to make an effort to pass it. When it was finally abandoned, everybody seemed satisfied. But while the contest lasted, partisanship never was so pro- nounced, for the debates stirred up all the animosities of the Civil War and the reconstruction period. It is true that Don Cameron and Gen. Butler would sneak ofif and take lunch FUTURE PRESIDENTS AS GUESTS 17 together, and that Matt. Quay and George Vest would get together in a committee room, but for the most part the middle aisle was a barrier between the parties. But under the banner of the Gridiron, the bitterness of politics was forgotten, particu- larly when the Club showed that it was not so serious as it seemed, and that even such a weighty subject might be treated in a lighter vein. CHAPTER in PRESIDENT HARRISON SURPRISES THE CLUB Chief Executive Delights Members by a Witty Speech — Calls Newspapermen Inventors and Discusses Re- ports OF Cabinet Proceedings — The Country Band the First Costume Skit — Getting a Presidential Smile — Can Sauce Back at Gridiron Dinners. B ENJAMIN HARRISON was the first President of the United States to attend a Gridiron Club dinner. The Club was four years old and well established when Harrison succeeded Cleveland, but it was nearly three years later before he attended a dinner as President. And he enjoyed it so well that he would no doubt have come again, for he, as well as several members of his cabinet, had accepted invitations to be present at the annual dinner in the winter of 1891 when the sudden death of William Windom, Secretary of the Treasury, caused the cancelation of all administration engagements of a social character. He was again prevented from attending a dinner given at the close of his administration by the death of James G. Blaine. As a Senator from Indiana Mr. Harrison had been a guest in the days when the guests furnished entertainment for the Club instead of the Club, as in the later dispensation, entertain- ing the guests. When President Harrison came to the dinner in January, 1892, the Club did not indulge in any stunts built around acts of his administration, burlesquing them and his policies, as it has done with other Presidents. On the contrary President Harrison was treated rather ceremoniously as a very honored guest and not a word was said that could be construed into a roast. i It seems remarkable now, since four other Presidents have been frequent guests, to recall that when President H. B. F. 18 HARRISON SURPRISES THE CLUB 19 Macfarland, then of the Boston Herald, introduced President Harrison he thought it necessary to utter an imphed warning that the usual Gridiron methods of that time should be sus- pended and the dignity of the high office be respected. In deference to this hint, when the President spoke there was no interruption, save the applause and cheers accorded one of the brightest speeches ever heard at a Gridiron dinner. That week there had been held in Washington a convention of patent men and inventors. President Harrison had made a speech to that gathering and so his preliminary remark as he began his speech at the Gridiron dinner was particularly apt: "This is the second time," he said, "that I have been called upon this week to open a congress of American inventors." It caught the Gridiron men and they responded with hearty applause. Other things that Mr. Harrison said at the time were so pleasing that they were repeated after the dinner and found their way into print. In a paper of that date, I find evidence that President Harrison's irony and humor in talking of newspaper men were very pointed. "I have been interested very often," he said, "in reading accounts of Cabinet meetings. The accuracy of these reports — once in a while — is marvelous. At other times, I read that the Cabinet has under consideration a subject of great importance. And yet that subject has not been mentioned. I will say, however, that if the Cabinet had for the most part confined its dehberations to the subjects which, the newspapers say were considered instead of the trivial matters that were under consideration, the Cabinet officers and myself would have been occupied to better purpose." At the conclusion of the President's speech, Frank Hosford, one of the intense Democrats among the correspondents, went over to Perry S. Heath of the IndianapoHs Journal. Perry was the confidential correspondent of the President. When Mr. Harrison wanted anything published he let it filter out through Perry Heath. "Perry," said Frank, "your man Harrison is a wonder. I didn't think it was in him." 20 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Oh, he's all right on his feet," replied Perry. "It*s only when he sits down that he falls down." And that was so true! Benjamin Harrison could go across the continent and make a series of speeches that would catch the country. After his first nomination for President, he made speeches which were the talk of the campaign. But sitting at his desk in the White House, he could do and say more things to make him unpopular than any man that ever occupied that exalted station. When he became tired of a visitor, or did not want to continue a conversation further, he would stare vacantly across the room and drum with the fingers of both hands on his desk. Many a prominent man, accompanied perhaps by a friend upon whom he wanted to make an impression, was ac- tually drummed out of Harrison's presence. Eight years afterward Benjamin Harrison as a private citizen attended a Gridiron dinner and his reminiscent speech was a real treat. He told about the Club when he first attended a dinner as a Senator, what it was when he was a guest as President, and the wonderful changes that he observed. There is a rather interesting incident in connection with the Harrison administration and the Gridiron Club. Charles Foster, who was Secretary of the Treasury in Harrison's cabinet, was quite frequently a guest of the Club, and on one occasion he talked about the personal characteristics of the President, telling what he knew from intimate association with him. It was the kind of material that would have made good copy for every newspaper man there. Several years later, when Foster was Governor of Ohio, he attended another dinner. He recalled what he had said on the previous occasion and commented upon the fact that although he knew how interesting it would have been to readers, he had never seen a word of it published, and complimented the Club on its ability to maintain its rule that reporters are never present. President Harrison's reference to the newspaper accounts of Cabinet meetings calls to mind that in the early days of his HARRISON SURPRISES THE CLUB 21 administration the Cabinet sessions were reported fully and accurately. Uncle Jere Rusk, that bluff, hearty, white- whiskered giant, was the newspaper "good thing." He would ride over from the Agricultural Department after the day's work, get his dinner, and then take a chair and sit cocked against the railing of the old Ebbitt House. Here a few of us who knew him well would stop for a chat. In discussing the events of the day we would gradually lead up to the Cabinet meeting and get the whole story. Down Newspaper Row were the correspond- ents who were to be the beneficiaries of this process. They would not intrude because they knew better results were being obtained when only a few friends of Uncle Jere were with him. But all good things must come to an end. Some one told Harrison about the leak, and an extinguisher was put on the Agricultural Secretary. It was at the dinner attended by President Harrison that the first skit in costumes was attempted. The Country Bandy written by Hubbard T. Smith, was presented. Several members of the Club wearing various kinds of uniforms, from the gor- geousness of a drum major to the simplicity of a linen duster, and playing various wind instruments including a trick minstrel trombone, together with drums and cymbals, made a very picturesque appearance and a great deal more noise. Bringing up the rear was a member beating a bass drum and almost eclipsed under a grandfather hat, one of the big, hairy pieces of headgear that had figured in the cartoons during the political campaign of 1888 when Harrison was elected President. Mr. Harrison was frequently pictured as a very small man almost 22 GRIDIRON NIGHTS buried under a hat of the vintage when his grandfather was elected President in the Tippecanoe campaign. But the grand- father hat had ceased to be a badge of ridicule at that time. The first verse and chorus of the Country Band ran: In a little town out West, Where I lived when but a boy, They had a silver cornet band Which was my pride and joy; And many were the times When I played hookie all the day, To follow up some street parade And hear that old band play. The tuba was the butcher's boy. The cymbals, Irish Dan; The alto was the village swell; The snare drum our hired man; The baker beat the big bass drum; And father used to say. The cornet was a sporting man But, lordy! he could play! Chorus : — Ta-ran — ta-rah, zing ! boom ! Ta-ran — ta-rah, zing ! boom ! And we knew the band was coming down the street. Ta-ran — ta-rah, zing ! boom ! Ta-ran — ta-rah, zing! boom! The martial music ringing out so clear and sweet. See them coming down the street. In their uniforms so neat. Children come with flying feet. To hear the ran-ta, ran-ta, ran-ta-rah, zing! boom! Oh! how the cymbals play! Hear, now, the tuba's bray And the echo miles away. Take up the ran-ta, ran-ta-rah, zing! boom! Is there any person who ever lived in a country town who cannot recognize the picture.^ Ed Hay, Dave Barry, John Corwin, Marshall Gushing, Hub Smith, Will Hoover, Henry Xander, Harry West, HARRISON SURPRISES THE CLUB 23 Herndon Morsell and Bob Earner were members of the band and presented a most successful burlesque. "He's the coldest proposition to whom I ever talked," remarked John A. Corwin of the Chicago Tribune. He was speaking of President Harrison. Corwin had just given his famous "ballyhoo" for the side show at the country circus, in which he described with illustrations the wonders inside the small tent, showing the fat woman, the Hving skeleton, the snake charmer, the wild man and the Cir- cassian beauty. Imitating the side-show "barker" to perfection he looked directly at the President, but did not receive an encouraging smile until he described the Circassian lady, and said that, "she can converse well in the English language and will answer each and every proper question that is propounded." "Up to that time," said Corwin, "the President sat there like a prehistoric mummy, and I feared I wasn't going to reach him." But Mr. Harrison was not un- appreciative. He told his neighbors that both the Country Band and the side-show barker carried him back to early days in Indiana. "Judge, it's allowable here to sauce back." The remark had been made at a Gridiron dinner by Thomas B. Reed of Maine to William S. Holman of Indiana. The Indiana statesman had just been the victim of a quip directed at the methods he used in the House of Representatives to prevent what he considered extravagant expenditures. What Reed meant was that the Gridiron Club was a give-and-take organization; and no one need hesitate to talk back when hit by Gridiron shafts. George H. Daniels, of the New York Central Railroad, at this dinner took occasion to "sauce back." He was aided by the artists Gillam and Hamilton, who had made cartoons of several prominent members of the Club and as they were shown Daniels delivered a lecture, commenting in a satirical vein upon 24 GRIDIRON NIGHTS the Club, its members and their methods. President Macfar- LAND was pictured at a table, marked Gridiron Club, handing out chestnuts. Frank Hatton, who was the editor of a non- partisan paper, the Washington Post^ was shown with his head at the top of a post and disdained by both Republicans and Democrats. E. G. Dunnell, of the New York Times, was pictured with his arms full of political rainbows. Dunnell, a short time before on a political tour of the West, and predicting Democratic victories, wrote the famous line, "Keep your eye on Iowa" — hence the rainbow cartoon. One guest at the dinner upon whom many eyes were turned was Captain, afterward Rear-Admiral, Winfield S. Schley. He had just recently returned from Chile, where he had taken a prominent part in the incident which almost meant war, as the United States jfirmly insisted that men of the United States navy should be treated fairly in every port where they went ashore. The dinner in January, 1892, although given at the beginning of a presidential year, did not make politics a feature of the entertainment. There were many speeches, an exceptional array of after-dinner talent being present, but they did not touch on politics. There was scarcely an allusion to the impending political campaign, the result of which was to place a Democrat in the White House and bring about many important events in the history of the country. CHAPTER IV CARTOONS AND COMMENTS Caricatures of Members and Guests — President Hatton's Introductions and Rejoinders — Capitol More In- teresting Than the White House — Menu a Tariff Bill — Getting Even with Senator Chandler — Speech in Kanaka Recalls Similar Efforts in Chinese and French. HANGING in the offices of a few members of the Gridiron Club is the framed first page of the Washington Post dated, Feb. 5, 1893. It gives a brief account of the dinner of the Club the night before, brief because the text is limited by illustrations. Quite a large section of the center of the page is taken by a reproduction of the first page of the menu souvenir, but a large part of the space is occupied by a border of cartoons of the men who at that time were members of the Gridiron Club. They were drawn by George Y. Coffin, who was a Gridiron man until death cut short a promising artistic career. Every one of the forty-eight men is given a touch by a friendly hand caricaturing or exaggerating some characteristic of his personality or individuality. It is like looking across the Great Divide for a survivor of that group to gaze upon those faces at the time this is written. On the thirtieth anniversary of the organization of the Club, in February, 1915, there were only twenty-one survivors of the group of forty-eight members whose pictures surround the page. One of the first to go was the brilliant Frank Hatton who is pictured as President of the Club, and who on that evening for the first time presided at a Gridiron dinner. He had a genius for such occasions; his short introductory speeches were given with a touch of humor and satire that offered a good speaker a cue, and left a poor one floundering in a sea of doubt. In those days the entertainment depended more upon speeches 25 CARTOONS AND COMMENTS 27 Beriah Wilkins, of the Washington Post, and Walter E. Adams, of the Boston Herald, were the new members initiated. Both were subjected to many inquiries as to their newspaper standing, and reasons why they should be admitted to the Club. After administering a final burlesque oath, Hatton produced a copy of the Washington Evening Star and opening to the fat pages of "want ads," handed it to Wilkins, who was his partner in the Post, saying, "You will now kiss the small ad pages of the Star.'' Everybody appreciated the hit, for Wilkins, who was the business manager of the Post, had made frantic efforts to get a part of that "want ad" patronage. At this same dinner, Hatton introduced Senator Allison, whom he had known all his life, as "the celebrated rubber-tired statesman of Iowa." And Allison responded in such a speech of cautious and qualified phrases as to make the designation fitting. Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Henry B. Brown, was introduced to speak by a Gridiron crier. Bob Larner, who imitated the man that announces the appearance of the august tribunal in the Supreme Court Chamber each day. "Oyez, oyez, oyez," he cried. "All persons having business with the honorable the Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw nigh and give attention, for the Court is now sitting. God save the United States and this honorable Court." And Justice Brown rose to the occasion. He made a witty speech; a Gridiron speech; which meant subsequent invitations. In the days of free passes and pleasant trips, tendered quite freely to newspaper men, the Gridiron Club was entertained on the steamer Lahn, belonging to the North German Lloyd Com- pany. The members went from Washington to New York in a special car, had dinner on board the steamship and remained over night. There was some mention about it in the papers and Senator William E. Chandler, of New Hampshire, made it the subject of one of his caustic speeches in the Senate. He saw a great menace to American shipping interests because such a 28 GRIDIRON NIGHTS large representation of newspapers in the country had been entertained by one of the European steamship lines. The Gridiron Club promptly invited Senator Chandler to be a guest at the dinner and he accepted. Of course, he was called on for a speech and he learned immediately what was coming when the members of the Club greeted him with this chant: Chandler, Chandler, poor Bill Chandler; We have laid poor Bill Chandler in his grave; — No more will we hear Bill kicking on his beer; For we've laid old Bill Chandler in his grave. From that time on until the Senator concluded, different members of the Club said things — in a good-natured way, of course; but he was given to understand that the organization was not unduly influenced by a dinner on a steamship. Cartoons figured at the dinner. They were made by Coffin and as they were unfolded to the view of the guests, Fred D. MussEY delivered an entertaining lecture upon them. Senator Gorman was shown in the uniform of the old National Baseball Club of which he was a member when a youngster. Secretary Rusk was pictured as flying a cold weather flag (it was just after the election in 1892 and the Harrison administration was going out). Senator Brice of Ohio was depicted as the "Colossus of Roads" (rail), with one foot in Ohio and the other in New York. He was then about to leave Ohio and make New York his home. One of the interesting topics in 1893, just before the Harrison administration retired, was the dethronement of Queen Liliuo- KALANi and the establishment of the Republic of Hawaii, and, much like the establishment of the Republic of Panama, there was very great assistance extended by the navy of the United States. The Hawaiian Commissioners were then in Washington negotiating the treaty of annexation of Hawaii to the United States, which was sent to the Senate by President Harrison; but it was soon withdrawn when President Cleveland suc- ceeded him. However, the Commissioners were guests at the CARTOONS AND COMMENTS 29 dinner and one of the features was a large cartoon representing Uncle Sam making love to a Canadian girl on one side and a Hawaiian maiden on the other. There had been some discussion then, as on other occasions, that Canada was a much more desirable acquisition than Hawaii. One of the guests at that dinner was Lorin A. Thurston, a Hawaiian Commissioner, afterward Minister from Hawaii. Mr. Thurston delivered a speech in the Kanaka language, very impressive, but not under- stood. And that recalls another incident: At one of the early din- ners, Paul Blouet (Max O'Rell), the French author, and Mr. Yow JiAR Shee, attache of the Chinese legation, were guests. Mr. Yow was not an expert in English as were Minister Wu and other Chinese statesmen who have been Gridiron guests, and it was privately arranged that when called upon he should respond in his native tongue. He did so and spoke with great earnestness and frequent pauses. The Gridiron men, in full appreciation of the humor of the situation, punctuated these pauses with applause, and apparently with great discrimination. When Mr. Yow had concluded, M. Blouet was called upon and spoke in French, receiving similar recognition in the way of applause. And the real humor of it developed when subse- quently Blouet, in his book about his experiences in America, said that the members of the Gridiron Club seemed to be as familiar with Chinese and French as with the English language! Minister Thurston had but a short time to serve the Re- public of Hawaii, for President Cleveland upset all that had been done by the Harrison administration regarding those islands, and startled the country by one of the most dramatic acts of any President. CHAPTER V CLEVELAND AND THE GRIDIRON CLUB Only President Who Did Not Attend the Dinners — Strained Relations with Newspaper Men — Resented Burlesques of Presidential Actions — Members of the Cabinet at a Dinner — Received Instructions — The First Ambassador — Restoration of Queen Liliuokalani a Memorable Gridiron Skit. G ROVER CLEVELAND was the only President who never attended Gridiron dinners. The Club was organized during his first term and during those four years it was in its swaddling-clothes. The dinners were brilliant in their way, but they did not appeal to Mr. Cleveland. He was slow, ponderous, serious and digni- fied to a degree, and the frivolity of the newspaper men during a night off did not seem to conform with his idea of dinners which should be graced with the presence of the chief magis- trate of the nation. In fact, he was not expected to attend, although different members at times invited him. In those days invitations were wholly individual. Club guests as distinguished from those receiving individual invita- tions were unknown. In after years, as the Club grew in im- portance, it became a custom to send special Club invitations to distinguished persons, signifying that they had been singled out to be guests of all the members. President Cleveland was on intimate terms with but very few members of the Washington corps of correspondents. He went through a remarkably bitter and personal campaign in 1884 and the newspapers opposed to him had been filled with everything that could make a public man feel aggrieved. His experience with newspaper men, while Governor of New York, had not been pleasant nor intimate. Dan Lamont then, and 30 CLEVELAND AND THE CLUB 31 after he became President, was the buffer between newspaper men and Mr. Cleveland, who was slow of speech and who never cared to make use of the newspapers for his own advan- tage. He lacked the idea of publicity which has been used by- several of his successors to good advantage. Although the Gridiron Club had come to stay, long before the end of Mr. Cleveland's first term, the relations between the newspaper men and the President continued to be strained. In a measure this hostility contributed in no small degree to the failure of Mr. Cleveland to be reelected in 1888, and if it had been left to a vote of the correspondents in 1892, Mr. Cleve- land would not have been nominated nor elected. Several members of Mr. Cleveland's first cabinet attended the dinners, some of them more than once. Thomas F. Bay- ard, Secretary of State; Charles F. Fairchild, Secretary of the Treasury; William C. Endicott, Secretary of War; Lucius Q. C. Lamar, Secretary of the Interior, and afterward Associate Justice of the Supreme Court; William F. Vilas, Postmaster- General and Secretary of the Interior; Don Dickinson, Post- master-General; all, in fact, except the Secretary of the Navy and the Attorney-General, were guests at different times, and generally they were able to hold their own in those days when to make a speech at a Gridiron dinner meant that a man must have something to say and be able to say it in spite of the quips, interruptions and general roasting designed to floor the speaker. On one occasion, when Secretary Endicott was just begin- ning a speech he paused to get the words of an interruption and several remarks were made while he stood, rather helplessly, trying to get his bearing. Then followed a momentary dead silence. "As you were saying," remarked Fred Handy, of the Chicago Times. And as he was not "saying" the remark caught with both guests and club members. The War Secretary settled into his seat and did not try again. During the four years between the presidential terms of Mr. 32 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Cleveland the Gridiron Club gradually abandoned its early- ideas and from the merely convivial dinners of rather haphaz- ard entertainment evolved the more elaborate affair of definite plan. It had begun to depict public events with skits or stunts, burlesquing important events as they came along, a practice that has made it famous in later years. I was on two committees that visited the White House dur- ing Mr. Cleveland's second term and invited him to attend Gridiron dinners. He received the committee both times with great courtesy, but firmly declined. A plea of public business, of the fact that he did not like dinners, anyway, and avoided as much as possible all such functions, was his excuse. To Major John M. Carson, of the Philadelphia Public Ledger^ w^ith whom he had closer relations than with any other member of the Club, he privately confided the further excuse that he "would not fit in," and was still of the opinion that Presidential dignity would be greatly ruffled by submitting to the "fun you boys would have with me." On one of the occasions, when the executive committee de- cided to invite President Cleveland, S. E. Johnson of the Cincinnati Enquirer, who was then President of the Club, grimly remarked: "You may go ahead and invite him and if he comes I'll treat him well, but he'll get d — d few adjectives from me." Johnson meant that in introducing the President to speak the flattering phrases which President Macfarland had bestowed upon former President Harrison would not be forthcoming from him. Although a sterling Democrat "Sam" Johnson was not a Cleveland man. Years afterward, a delegation of the Club called upon Mr. Cleveland at his home in Princeton. We had gone there to bury Billy Annin in the Princeton cemetery, and afterward paid our respects to the man who had been twice President of the United States. We were courteously, yes, hospitably, re- ceived by the ex-President. He was glad to see us and talked over the days in Washington. At that period, time had soft- ened most of the animosities that grew up in the eight years CLEVELAND AND THE CLUB 33 Cleveland had been in the White House, although there were two members of the delegation, both Democrats, whose dislike of the man for whom they had thrice voted was still intense enough to keep them from calling upon him. Soon after that call, Mr. Cleveland met a few members of the Gridiron Club and told them that one of his regrets, now that he could view the years of his Presidency in retrospection, was that he had not made a greater effort to be on friendly terms with the newspaper men of Washington, and that he had not attended some of the Gridiron dinners. He believed that the result would have been a better understanding and mu- tually beneficial. Although President Cleveland did not attend the dinners, the Gridiron Club gave a Cabinet dinner at the beginning of his second administration. Walter Q. Gresham, Secretary of State; John G. Carlisle, Secretary of the Treasury; Hoke Smith, Secretary of the Interior; Hilary A. Herbert, Secre- tary of the Navy; J. Sterling Morton, Secretary of Agri- culture; Wilson S. Bissell, Postmaster-General; all except the Secretary of War and the Attorney-General were present. Daniel Lamont, neither when he was Private Secretary, nor afterward when Secretary of War, went to a Gridiron dinner. He was on good terms with several members of the Club, but he shared his chief's aversion to the dinners. An interesting incident of the Cabinet dinner was that at the right of President Hatton sat Secretary Gresham, who had been Postmaster-General when Hatton was First Assistant, and whom Hatton succeeded when Gresham became Secretary of the Treasury. They had both sat together as members of the Cabinet during the administration of President Chester A. Arthur. With a few brief introductory remarks, Mr. Hatton told the new Cabinet what would be expected of them. He warned them not to take themselves too seriously; that they would learn by and by what to do. "Why, I have been there myself, boys," he said; *'the old colored messenger will show you where 34 GRIDIRON NIGHTS to sign your names and the clerks will do the rest. I recall my first day as a Cabinet man, and it is no doubt very much like your own experience. I was following the advice I am giv- ing you. I was signing papers where the messenger indicated, but finally thought I ought to assert myself when I came to a particularly imposing and bulky document with many papers attached. Leaning back in my chair, I said: "'I don't exactly understand this.' "'Neither do I, boss,' replied the messenger, 'but yo' signs yo' name right there.' "After that I got along without any difficulty, as I know you will by relying upon the clerks and the messengers." The swarm of office-seekers who were then in Washington besieging the Cabinet officers for places, furnished a vehicle for the Club to have considerable fun at the expense of the mem- bers of the Cabinet, and their perplexities were the subject of humorous flings and roasts served both in song and story. The menu was a legal document which contained the fac- simile signatures of all the members of the Club and the papers they represented, together with the list of guests, with this statement : "The members of the Gridiron Club, relying upon the verac- ity of the press in representing the persons hereinafter named as entitled by patriotism, public spirit, and a high order of per- sonal beauty to be regarded as exceptionally qualified for good fellowship, cordially recommend them for places at the dinner of the Gridiron Club." The musical program that evening was unusually good, the quartet, consisting of Herndon Morsell, Alexander Mosher, J. Henry Kaiser, and William D. Hoover, giving several numbers that were especially appreciated. Mr. West contrib- uted some original verses entitled "Me and Whitney, or the ballad of the politician who was on the right side at Chicago." They related to the Democratic national convention when William C. W^hitney so successfully managed affairs as to se- cure the renomination of Mr. Cleveland. CLEVELAND AND THE CLUB 35 Late in the evening a party of diplomats, who had been dining with the Korean minister, came to the dinner. Among them was Sir Julian Pauncefote. It is an interesting his- torical fact that the first public appearance of the first Ambas- sador to the United States was at a Gridiron dinner. Sir Julian, in a very appropriate speech, made the first public reference to his promotion at this dinner. Before Mr. Cleveland had been a year in ofiice the second time, the Gridiron Club burlesqued an important poHcy of his administration in such a way as to increase the strained rela- tions, and probably prevented him from entertaining any idea of accepting an invitation to a dinner, even if he had ever been so disposed. Soon after Mr. Cleveland became President in 1893, he withdrew from the Senate the treaty annexing the newborn Republic of Hawaii to the United States. He followed this action by sending James H. Blount of Georgia as Paramount Commissioner to the Hawaiian Islands. Acting under instruc- tions and using the naval power stationed at Honolulu, the Commissioner dismantled the Republic and restored Queen LiLiuoKALANi to the throne of her Kanaka ancestors. It is interesting to recall, in this connection, that the first authentic information the people of the United States had of the most momentous event of that time was in a cable dispatch to the Associated Press from Auckland, New Zealand. A slow steamer from Hawaii touched at the far-away English colony and gave the world the news of an act which thrilled the American people. How different now when the cable carries much more trivial intelligence from the Hawaiian Islands to our shores! And what a well-kept secret it was! I do not know how many persons knew of Mr. Cleveland's intentions, but certainly enough to have caused the news to leak in ordinary times. But President Cleveland w^as the greatest stickler of any President I have known for maintaining strict secrecy in all executive matters. The Hawaiian subject was still ahve when the Gridiron Club 36 GRIDIRON NIGHTS gave its annual dinner in January, 1894, and the initiation of Frank V. Bennett was made the vehicle of a screaming bur- lesque. Bennett, dressed in royal robes, was brought in on a little wagon. He was preceded by two members of the Club, -r^ Robert J. Wynne of the New York Press, and John S. Shriver of the New York Mail and Express, made up as hula-hula girls, who danced and pirouetted in a most fantastic manner. Alas! Bob and Johnny, with their generous girths, could not repeat the performance now. Walter B. Stevens, of the St. Louis Globe Democrat, was the Paramount Commissioner, made up as Uncle Sam; George H. Apperson, of the Globe Democrat, was the "Commander in Chief" of the forces; David S. Barry, of the New York Sun, was the "Army"; and Robert M. Larner, of the Charleston News and Courier, the "Navy." Fred HANDY^'was the "paramour," who figured quite prominently in those days in connection with events in Hawaii. The "Queen" was duly *' restored to her ancient throne," and as "she" was about to be "annexed" President Hatton inquired : "Is there anything you would like to say before you are annexed.'^" Drawing a huge ax from the folds of her dress, the "Queen" remarked, viciously: "Not to the Gridiron Club, but I would like to have a few minutes' conversation with Minister Thurston." Mr. Thurston was a guest at the dinner, and as Liliuo- KALANi had declared in a proclamation issued in Honolulu that CLEVELAND AND THE CLUB 37 Thurston and a few others who had overthrown the monarchy must be beheaded, the effect of the announcement of the Grid- iron "Queen" can well be imagined. Several members of Mr. Cleveland's administration were guests at the dinner, among them Postmaster-General Bissell and Secretary Morton. They never were able to convince the President that the burlesque of the principal act of his adminis- tration was really harmless. The menu was unique and interesting. It attempted to give something humorous and characteristic of each guest. It also contained a bit of humor that was not altogether appre- ciated by some of the guests. On one page was a list of toasts such as might appear at any ordinary banquet. But from a gridiron a column of smoke curled and coiled about the letter *'T" as if by way of ornamentation. When looked at closely it transformed *' Toasts" into "Roasts." There was only a bare possibility of one or two men on the list being called upon to talk as a score or more of prominent guests had not been men- tioned. But at least one man took the matter seriously. Amos J. CuMMiNGS, the writer, and a member of the House of Repre- sentatives from New York, was on the list to respond to "The Congress." Amos neglected his dinner and, what grieved him more, refrained from the sparkling beverages, while making notes and arranging his ideas for a speech before such an impor- tant assemblage. He waited and watched, heard one speaker after another, and finally the dinner was closed with never an allusion to him. He was very angry, not only because he failed to get an opportunity to talk, but also because he had been made the subject of a jest. Several months afterward he was heard to make a remark about "those intellectual idiots calling themselves the Gridiron Club." The following excerpts from the menu show how reference was made to different guests: Bissell, Postmaster-General Wilson Shannon, of New York, a good man weighing 275 pounds. CocKRAN, Representative W. Bourke, of New York, a man who has blotted 38 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Chicago from his memory; a big chief who lives on our reservation and speaks the language of our tribe. Crisp, Chas. F., of England, a versatile actor of the old days; has shifted scenes in military and tank dramas, court comedies and political farces; is now playing a twinkling star engagement in his first speaking part; is also the most artful dodger in Congress; he never votes. CuMMiNGs, Representative Amos J., of New York, the unofficial reporter of the House. Leiter, L. Z., of Washington, the poor we have always with us. McKissicK, E. P., of Asheville, N. C. This is the chap in the early morn who filled the boys with the juice of the corn, and worried the girls, and walked the cake, and showed us the house that Vander built. Pettigrew, Senator R. F., of South Dakota, famous for drawing a pair of states to a bob-tailed territory; afterwards invented the ninety-day divorce law, which has made South Dakota populous. Stevenson, Vice-President Adlai E., of Illinois, when not practicing law at Funk's Grove Township, sometimes mines coal; is the chronic audience of the United States Senate. Thurston, Hon. Lorin A., of Hawaii, participated in a little game, where he discarded a queen and then said, "Dole the cards?" Washburn, Senator William D., of Minnesota, the flour of the Senate. At that time everybody understood the allusions, though twenty years later they need an explanation. Postmaster-General Bissell was a very large man, and, it may also be remembered, that when Gen. Winfield S. Han- cock was a candidate for the Presidency some one sarcastically remarked that "he was a good man weighing 200 pounds." Mr. CocKRAN had a very unpleasant experience in the Chicago convention in 1892. He had been the earnest cham- pion of David B. Hill and after Mr. Cleveland became President he was not welcome at the White House. Mr. Crisp was a native of England and had been an actor, and a soldier in the Confederacy. He was then Speaker, and that officer rarely votes in the House unless it is necessary to break a tie or make a quorum. Mr. CuMMiNGS wrote a daily story of the House of Repre- sentatives for the New York Sun. Mr. Leiter was the wealthy merchant prince formerly of Chicago. CLEVELAND AND THE CLUB 39 Senator Pettigrew had helped to have Dakota Territory divided and two states admitted to the Union; also he was expert in the famous American game. The Vice-President is one man who, if he performs his full duty, must Hsten to the long-winded Senate debates. Minister Thurston took a prominent part in the dethronement of LiLiuoKALANi and the selection of Mr. Dole as President of the new Republic. Senator Washburn made a fortune manufacturing flour. Mr. McKissicK had entertained the Club at Asheville, and a real negro cakewalk was one feature of the entertainment. Another was a visit to the famous Vanderbilt house with its hundred thousand acres of North Carolina mountains, valleys and rivers. Mr. McKissick's presence at the dinner furnished a situa- tion illustrating the way Frank Hatton could turn a little thing into an amusing incident. One of McKissick's best friends, just to put him on his guard, told him that he was going to be called upon to speak. Of course that made him nervous and he spent the early part of the dinner getting ready. It was his plan to jump right in with his rehearsed speech, giving the Club no opportunity to interject remarks and repartee. At one stage of the dinner President Hatton made an allusion to the delightful trip to the "Land of the Sky," the generous Southern hospitality we had met on every hand, etc. McKis- sicK was on his feet before Hatton had concluded. Hatton saw him out of the corner of his eye. Turning abruptly toward the Asheville man, he said: "Young man, you are altogether too previous, and too anxious. You will have your chance later, but you must stand aside for your elders. I now intro- duce Mr. W. A. Turk of the Southern Railway, over which line we travelled when we took that delightful trip to North Carolina." And McKissick, looking fooHsh, sank into his chair. Vice-President Stevenson told one of his good stories. It was about an old dyed-in-the-wool Democrat and the candidacy 40 GRIDIRON NIGHTS of David Davis of Illinois for the Democratic nomination back in the seventies. Stevenson was making a tour of Southern Illinois and met his old friend, who asked: "Adlai, who are we going to nominate for President?" "Well, there is quite a good deal of talk about Davis," was the reply. "Adlai," said the old man, after cogitating a little time, "that'd suit me, all right; but don't you think it's a leetle mite too soon after the war to nominate old Jeff.^" Cartoons of prominent guests were again a feature of the dinner. Mr. McKissick was pictured as a cook and labelled, *'the pride of Battery Park." He was proprietor of that hotel. Stephen D. White of Brooklyn, N. Y., on account of his knowl- edge of astronomy, appeared as an astrologer, pointing to the words, "Read the answer in the stars." Postmaster-General BissELL was a letter-carrier with Httle wings flying over the Washington monument. William L. Wilson, then chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, was preparing a tariff bill. He was pictured as the Roman, Marcus Curtius, who plunged into a fissure of the earth to save ancient Rome. Clothed in the costume of ancient Rome and mounted on a jumping charger, Mr. Wilson held aloft a document labelled "Wilson Bill," while the words on the picture described him as "the noblest Roman of them all." While that remark originally was applied to Brutus instead of Curtius the cartoon itself was prophetic. Mr. Wilson was one of the many who went down to defeat in the election of 1894, when the RepubHcans won even a greater victory than the Democrats did in 1890. That election in 1894, and an interesting event at the White House, furnished ma- terial for the Gridiron Club at its tenth anniversary dinner. CHAPTER VI THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY Ghost Dance of Statesmen Defeated in the Election of 1894 — Gorman Presented with the White House and Reed Gets a Revolver — The Cleveland-Hill Rec- onciliation Burlesqued — Attendance of the Papal Delegate Creates a Flurry. THE tenth anniversary of the Gridiron Club was celebrated at a dinner in January, 1895. The members took pride in the fact that the organization had been kept in exist- ence despite adverse criticism and was then on the highroad to greater achievements. The souvenir of the dinner was a book in which a brief history of the Club was given, together with a list of those who had been guests up to that time. One of the ceremonies at the dinner was the decoration of the charter members with a bronze medal on which was inscribed a number of Latin words which, translated, read: **He has been ten years at the feast." The election of 1894 had swept the Democrats out of power in the House of Representatives and many men of prom- inence in that party had been defeated. This furnished an opportunity to intro- duce a ghost dance in imitation of the Indian dances which were the vogue in the West at that time and were disturb- ing the peace and comfort of people on the frontier. The ghosts of such prom- inent men as William L. Wilson, Wil- liam M. Springer, William S. Holman, Tom L. Johnson, W. Bourke Cockran, William D. Bynum, "Buck" Kilgore, William J. Bryan, "Silver Dick" Bland, 41 42 GRIDIRON NIGHTS and Jerry Simpson appeared, each with a short verse of ex- planation of his defeat. They were all told to move on by President Walter B. Stevens, of the St. Louis Globe Democrat, who declared that there were too many live ones left to waste time with those who were politically dead. The election had given the Re- publicans a very large majority in the next House of Representatives. It was known that Thomas B. Reed would be the unanimous choice of his party for Speaker, and the Grid- iron Club decided to equip Reed for his future position. S. E. Johnson, of the Cincinnati Enquirer, on behalf of the Club, presented Reed with a five-chambered revolver in lieu of a gavel. "I suggest," said Sam, "that you use one on your colleague Boutelle; the second on Pickler of South Dakota; and you will have three left, which will be enough for all Democrats of any account who survived the November cyclone." Boutelle was always making trouble for Reed, and Pickler was even worse. Pickler came to Wash- ington as a farmer's alliance man, an old soldier, a prohibition- ist, and a woman suffragist, and he worked at all of them all the time. To a man of Reed's ultra-conservative ideas, Pickler was, to use the Speak- er's designation, "the wild ass's foal." Major John M. Carson made a presentation to Senator Gorman, say- ing: "I give you that which you most desire; which you have long cherished; which you have no doubt enjoyed in your dreams." And he handed the Maryland Senator a large picture of the White House. "It is the shadow and not the substance that the Gridiron THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY 43 boys are always tendering me,'* was Gorman's reply, followed by a very amusing speech on politics and public men in general. Bill Nye was a guest at the dinner and read a bit of his own humor. Nye had figured in an entertainment of the Club at Asheville, North Carohna, as one of the judges of a negro Cakewalk. George Wendling, the lecturer, read a poem, in which he referred to the various great nations of olden times that had ruled the world. "But they had no Gridiron Club and so they died," was the conclusion of each stanza. One of the most interesting stunts of the evening was that which pictured the reconciliation of President Cleveland and David B. Hill of New York. The differences between Senator Hill and the President had been most acute. A "snap convention" in February, 1892, gave Hill the New York delegation to the national convention. Hill fought for the nomination with vigor, and Bourke Cockran, who placed him in nomination, bitterly assailed Cleveland in the old Chicago wigwam. After Cleveland was inaugurated Hill continued his opposition. He fought the Wilson tariff bill which was forced by Cleveland and succeeded in defeating the confirmation of two of Cleveland's nominations for the Supreme Court. And then what a sensation it was when Hill called at the White House! The Gridiron Club used the initiation of four new members to depict the reconciliation of Cleveland and Hill. There was Reginald Schroeder, of the New York Staats-Zeitung, made up as Cleveland; Louis A. Coolidge of the New York Recorder as Daniel Lamont; Charles C. Randolph of the New York Times as Private Secretary Thurber; J. Henry Kaiser, who had been elected a limited member, was Senator Hill, and was followed by John Shriver in a tiger skin, repre- senting Tammany. Bob Wynne was made up as the venerable Capt. Bassett, the Senate doorkeeper, a very interesting and 44 GRIDIRON NIGHTS ancient figure of the time; he was master of ceremonies, and announced the arrival of the different personages. On account of the many threatening letters that cranks were sending to the President there had been established around the White House a strict guard, and policemen were located in little box houses all over the grounds. Bob Larner was made up as a policeman, carrying his box with him, and kept close to "Cleveland" all the time. The two principals advanced slowly and finally shook hands across a table, upon which reposed a bottle of old rye. "Hill" A 1F« %r§*££ii /RffcoMcuXATiott J^icurornVK. ^Ttiomow held behind his back a huge knife and "Cleveland" a large ax. The meeting was interspersed by a running fire of comments from different members of the party, and a quarrel between "Lamont" and "Thurber" as to which had been responsible for bringing about the reconciliation. But it was the "tiger" that assumed the credit on the ground that he was growing hungry while the two most famous Democrats of New York were fighting each other. The matter was settled by declaring "Cleveland" Schroe- DER, "Lamont" Coolidge, "Thurber" Randolph, and "Hill" Kaiser members of the Gridiron Club, and the principals retired with weapons still ready for instant use. Mr. Cleveland was greatly angered because he was imper- sonated in such a public manner and particularly because a pic- ture of the reconciliation stunt was published at the time. He THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY 45 expressed himself in strong language, of which he was amply capable when aroused. As for Mr. Schroeder's part in the performance, Cleveland made it a personal matter, and during the remainder of his term, and even afterward, showed his resentment in a manner which could not be misunderstood. It was at the dinner in January, 1895, that Archbishop Satolli, the Papal delegate, delivered his address defining his mission to America. For a short time following the dinner there was great ado among anti-Catholic societies and the press opposed to that Church. The A.P.A. movement was then at its height and papers representing that organization denounced the Gridiron Club in unmeasured terms. It was stated that the Club had been "captured by the Church," that Archbishop Satolli had *' artfully contrived to have himself invited to the dinner,'* and that the Club *' violated its rules to pubHsh the address entire," also that it was *' another means to horngozzle the secular press." Thomas B. Reed was severely arraigned, the statement being made that Mr. Reed "in allowing himself to be cajoled into an acceptance of Satolli's invitation to meet him at the Gridiron Club, cooked his presidential goose in one act." Much more to the same effect was published at the time, and possibly there were people who may have believed that the Gridiron Club was "caught in a net spread by Rome," or other foolish statements which the Satolli incident brought forth. The facts were that the Gridiron Club for ten years had always entertained celebrities, and during the twenty years since Archbishop Satolli was a guest it has continued to enter- tain men of distinction. The Archbishop was of great promi- nence and importance at that time because he was the first Papal delegate to this country. One member of the Club, on his own responsibility, and with the right which every member has to choose his guests, went to some pains to get Archbishop Satolli to attend the dinner. In addition to the Archbishop he found it necessary to invite a number of other gentlemen in order to assure the acceptance of the Delegate. There was no deep MachiaveUian plot; no one was cajoled; nor was there any 46 GRIDIRON NIGHTS connivance among any of the parties about the publication of the speech. A newspaper man connected with the Associated Press had established friendly relations with the new Papal representation, and when he learned that the Archbishop was going to attend the dinner persuaded the Secretary, Dr. Rooker, to let him have a copy of the address to be released for publica- tion when it was delivered. The individual effort of one member secured the attendance of the Papal delegate at the dinner. The enterprise of a news- paper man secured the publication of his address. There was nothing more to the tempest in a teapot which the incident created, and it was not long before the matter was forgotten. Until the tenth anniversary it had been the custom of the Club to give what was called the Annual Dinner late in Janu- ary or February. Dinners were also given on the last Saturday of February% March, April, October and November. They were small affairs, attended by only a few members of the Club, and little or no attention was given to preparation of stunts and skits. The guests were all called upon to make a speech or tell a story, or in some way contribute to the entertainment. Often- times these small dinners developed features of rare excellence, while their informality made them particularly enjoyable affairs. But it was realized that the annual dinners were the impor- tant events and guests invited to the smaller dinners felt that they were given a sort of second-hand treat; and so after the tenth anniversary the informal dinners were abandoned and the plan was adopted which has since been followed. Two or three dinners are given each year and all are made of equal importance. An event of historic importance happened in 1895. Before the close of his administration Mr. Cleveland, by hurling a mighty defi in the face of the British Lion, gave the Gridiron Club another opportunity to burlesque a big thing in his administration. CHAPTER VII UPHOLDING THE MONROE DOCTRINE SCHOMBURGK LiNE FURNISHES ThIRD BuRLESQUE ON THE Cleveland Administration — Presidential Possibili- ties OF 1896 — First Memorial — Ladies' Leap-Year Dinner — Cuba Libre in a Prophetic Speech — Honor- ing A Charter Member of the Club. HOW many people remember now that there was a Schomburgk line? And yet it was a vital issue back in 1895 and we were on the verge of war with England on account of it. The real difficulty was our exercise of the Monroe Doctrine to its fullest extent. Even in the settlement of a boundary dispute between Venezuela and British Guiana, we locked horns with the government of Great Britian, and Presi- dent Cleveland went so far as to send a message to Congress ringing with defiance to the old mother country, with whom we had already engaged in two wars, and with whom in 1914 we so cheerfully exchanged greetings over one hundred years of peace. But as to the Schomburgk line. The Gridiron Club treated it in its usual style at the dinner in January, 1896. William E. Annin of the Salt Lake Tribune, was President of the Club at that time. At one stage of the dinner, Frank Hosford made the very interesting announce- ment that the Venezuelan boundary commission had completed its labors and was prepared to report. The further sensational statement was made that the "finding of the commission was the Schomburgk fine itself, which had been discovered after great difficulty." This line, the report further stated, was found to have no fixed habitation in the jungles of Guiana, but seemed to have disported itself at will all over the map of South America. When it was finally rounded up by the commission it was found undulating along the Spanish Main with one end in the head- waters of the Amazon, and the other in the delta of the Orinoco. 47 48 GRIDIRON NIGHTS After desperate efforts on the part of the Hne to escape it had been captured and brought to Washington. "Bring it in!" ordered President Annin. And then entered Gen. Henry V. Boynton, and Mr. Crosby S. NoYES, of the Washington Star, two of the oldest as well as two of the most highly esteemed members of the Club, bearing on their shoulders a large reel, covered with American flags and garnished with flying streamers. On this reel was wound the famous Schomburgk line con- sisting of many yards of red-white-and-blue elastic. It was unrolled and stretched about the room from table to table with the colored ribbons and flags danc- ing and fluttering about the guests. The Schomburgk line, upon which Great Britain based her contention for claiming a large slice of Vene- zuelan territory, was very vague and indefinite in the diplomatic negotiations. The Gridiron Club members showed that the Schomburgk line was as illusive and uncertain as they had de- scribed it, and could be stretched hither and yon, up and down, around and about, in any direction that was necessary. Carrying out the travesty, Hosford said that the capture of the Schomburgk line would mean immediate hostilities and that it would be necessary for the President to announce a policy and to get in readiness. President Annin called on the Secretary of the Treasury for a statement of the financial condi- tion of the country in view of the war-like appearance. S. E. Johnson, speaking for that official, said that the treasury was in a deplorable condition as J. Pierpont Morgan had snaked THE MONROE DOCTRINE 49 out $400,000,000 which had recently been offered by Russia, and no one else had nerve enough to go and ask the Czar for the other $350,000,000 which were still in the imperial coffers of Russia. Major Carson was ordered to take charge of recruiting forces and prepare for action, and, by previous arrangement, the champagne bottles were all opened one after another in quick succession, making a popping that was timely as well as ludicrous. Alleged telegrams were read which hit different individuals. A dispatch from Wall Street stated that "stocks are leaking rapidly and Chauncey M. Depew says that the country has lost $18,000,000,000 and some cents, but that he holds his job." A dispatch from London said that in response to importunate appeals of Joseph Pulitzer to the Prince of Wales, the latter had begged the Earl of Dunraven, commanding the flying squadron off Sandy Hook, in the event of a bombardment of New York, to aim to the right or left so as not to hit the great brass dome of the New York World. Dunraven at that time had just challenged for the America's cup. The fun went on for some time. The captured line was distributed in garter strips to the guests, and Mr. Hosford finally closed the skit with a very flamboyant jingo speech end- ing with the declaration that "though New York be in sack- cloth and Washington in ashes, though the Caribbean become a crimson sea of carnage and rivers of gore roll down into oceans of bloodier blood, the Schomburgk line shall remain safe and forever in possession of the United States," capping the climax with this partial Shakespearian quotation: "Lay on, Macduff, and d — d be he who doesn't stand by this bluff." Lord Salisbury in more diplomatic language had said that the warlike message which Mr. Cleveland sent to Congress was a bluff. The repetition of that intimation by the Gridiron Club was displeasing to the President. The year 1896 was a presidential year and furnished occasion for fun with candidates. At the annual dinner the Club devoted itself largely to Democratic possibihties. Senator David Ben- nett Hill of New York, Senator Arthur P. Gorman of Mary- 50 GRIDIRON NIGHTS land, Vice-President Stevenson of Illinois, and William R. Morrison of the same State were called up and members of the Club made comments as to their availability. On the part* of the Republicans, Thomas B. Reed, who had again been elected Speaker of the House, and was a particularly active candidate, and Chauncey M. Depew were brought forward and described as men who would make good Presidents, and for that reason they "will not be nominated." The suggestion of Senator Depew for President brought forth a story from Senator Thurston of Nebraska, who told of the difficulty of trying to nominate a man like the New York Senator. He recalled the convention of 1888 at Chicago when Depew was on hand with one hundred or more delegates. Soon after the arrival of Senator Thurston at the head of the Ne- braska delegation he was sought by Depew, who asked: "How many delegates have you, Thurston.'^" "Ten." "How many are railroad lawyers.'^" "Ten." "Then that means ten votes for me," said Depew with satisfaction. "No, indeed," replied Thurston, "we have all we can do to carry our own load without shouldering the President of the New York Central." Senator Depew had already spoken before Thurston's story, but he insisted upon another chance in order to explain what great mistakes the Republican party had made in the past, "but now, since the people know better, there is no danger of repeating the mistake in the future." Tom Reed repeated a remark made by him to an enthu- siast, who had rushed up to him in the corridor of the House and exclaimed: "Mr. Reed, you are the man of the hour; you are the man the Republicans should choose; the country needs a man of your ability, firmness, and integrity; you should receive the nomination." THE MONROE DOCTRINE 51 Gazing down at his admirer, Reed drawled: "The conven- tion could do worse — and probably will." Senator Hill, who had been a very active candidate in 1892 against Cleveland, who had fought Cleveland during his entire administration, and who was then actively engaged in fighting the free silver element in the Democratic party — at outs with the Cleveland wing on one side and the Bland wing on the other — was asked to talk about his presidential chances. Hill, who was a confirmed bachelor, told a story of his experience with the census taker when he was Governor of New York. Asking the questions on the formula the census man finally came to this one: "How many children.'''* "None to speak of," replied Hill. "That answers the Gridiron query," said Hill, and went on with his speech. Senator Gorman was at that time a looker-on, so far as his candidacy was concerned, and he could treat his chances in the light vein which made his speech very amusing. At that dinner there was a general in the army, who was also a Civil War veteran with a splendid record and an Indian fighter who had been in all the big engagements with the Red Men. He was known as one of those men of "regular" habits, particularly with regard to drinking, and he looked the part. He was a warm personal friend of the President of the Club, and Annin arranged that when he was called up the quartette should sing a few lines of that swinging revival song: I am a soldier; and rum is my foe; Rum is my foe; rum is my foe. Pretty raw of course, but it was very, very funny. It was just one of those little things that were particularly pat and set the table in a roar. It was at the dinner in January, 1896, that the Club began a practise, which has ever since been followed, of pausing for 52 GRIDIRON NIGHTS a few moments to memorialize the members who have passed away during the year. The lights were turned out and Major Carson, one of the founders of the Club, said: "The Gridiron Club was organized for festivity and fun; for relaxation and recreation; for the promotion of good-fellowship among men engaged in the daily activities of life. But we have thought it proper to turn aside for a moment and pay a tribute to those who were so recently among us and who have passed to the Great Beyond." Then appeared on a screen the faces of two members who had died during the year. Briefly their relations with the Club were stated and then as the pictures began to fade among the clouds the quartette sang, softly: Don't you hear them bells; Don't you hear them bells; They are ringing out the glory of the day. And then the lights flashed. Everybody joined in the song and the mirth and merriment were resumed. There was a number of distinguished guests at the dinner, among them ex-Governor Alexander Shepherd, then a resident of Batophilas, Mexico, but formerly the famous "Boss Shepherd" of Washington City in the days of long ago. Another distin- guished guest was Rear-Admiral Benham, who was in command of the American squadron in the Brazilian harbor when it be- came necessary to fire a shot across the bows of an insurgent warship which was interfering with an American merchant vessel. Gridiron dinners, until a few years ago, were always given on the last Saturday in the month. So when it happened that the extra leap-year day fell on Saturday, February 29, it was determined to give a ladies' dinner to celebrate the unusual circumstance. There had long been a demand by the wives of members for such a dinner. They had been guests on trips at different times, excursions, and such like, "but," they said, "we want to go to THE MONROE DOCTRINE 53 a regular dinner, such as you men have and see if it really is such fun as you claim." And so a ladies' Gridiron dinner was given. Everything was arranged as would have been the case in entertaining any special body of guests. Naturally, there were gentle touches and trib- utes to the women. There was a profusion of flowers with dainty bouquets for each guest. The souvenir was a bit of parchment paper folding in the form of a heart. Upon its face were an up-to-date girl and several dancing cupids in gold. "Food for the Sweet Creatures," was the line at the head of the menu, and this little verse appeared on one page: A modest set of men are we. Nor given much to boasting. Tonight we promise gallantly To save the girls a roasting. A number of stunts were tried, which in preparation, were thought to be amusing. They had no relation to the presence of the ladies. Then several features directed toward the women were given. Henry L. West made a serio-comic appeal in behalf of the Society of Oppressed Husbands. S. E. Johnson delivered an address on the New Woman. Major Carson was equally eloquent in behalf of the Old Woman. The ladies present were then decorated with the Order of the K-nights Com- manders of the Gridiron, the emblem being a little latch key bearing the letters "K.C.G." Then an attempt was made to organize the Sadiron Club. Walter B. Stevens pointed out that a Gridiron dinner could not be held again on Saturday, February 29, until the year 1920, which he said was a "long time between ladies' dinners." He spoke of the organiza- tion of various auxiliaries of other societies composed of men, and suggested that the wives and daughters of the members of the Gridiron Club should have a Sadiron Club. An election becoming necessary, with only ladies voting, there soon ensued a travesty on woman suffrage. There were dupHcate ballots and other irregularities, and when the tellers finally reported 54 GRIDIRON NIGHTS the result only one vote had been cast for each lady present, which was an intimation that each had voted for herself. There was a pause for the laugh which never came. "What is it all about.'^" inquired a lady of her husband. "You know that that was perfectly ridiculous." And that was the general verdict of the women as to the other stunts. The interruption and quizzing of speakers fell flat, and the members of the Club became painfully aware that they were not putting anjdhing across. "Is this what you men call fun.^" "Do you men really think you are having a good time?" "Do you think I'd have wasted a brand new gown for this.?" Those are samples of questions which the members of the Club heard that night. But never again! It was the last suffragist movement in the Gridiron Club. The suggestion that the next ladies' dinner be postponed for twenty-four years met with general approval. But one bright gem remains in our memories. Cuba was the foremost topic in the discussions of those days and Frank HosFORD coupled the leap-year occasion and Cuba Libre in one of his usual oratorical flights. This is the way he described Cuba as a leap-year lady, and predicted the birth of a new Republic on the Western hemisphere: "As yet she is but vaguely outlined. But soon, thanks to the Congress of the United States, she will be boldly limned against the milky baldric of the skies, and set her single star of glory there! Her face is wan, but it has traces of opulent beauty. Her garb is humble, but it is flecked with the patriotic blood of martyrs. She has for ornaments only her broken chains, but on her head she wears the dear familiar cap of liberty. This is indeed a Leap-Year for Cuba. She has leaped from slavery to the very threshold of freedom." It was decidedly fitting after an outburst like this, that two years later Hosford should become President of the Club, and preside over two dinners, one of which was given when we THE MONROE DOCTRINE 55 were on the verge of war with Spain, the other when we cele- brated our victories on land and sea. After the election of 1896, the Gridiron Club had an oppor- tunity to give a dinner in honor of one of its own members, James Rankin Young, a veteran of the Civil War, one of the charter members of the Club. For many years Mr. Young had been an executive clerk in the United States Senate, han- dhng all the secret business of that body. As is well known, secrets of the Senate are not kept inviolable and treaties, de- bates, and even votes on important matters, are published. Such was the case when Senator Hill made his fight against the confirmation of William B. Hornblower and Wheeler H. Peckham, nominated by President Cleveland to be Asso- ciate Justices of the United States Supreme Court. An impor- tant treaty, or one held to be such by the Foreign Relations Committee, was published, and the Senate went on one of its periodical hunts to find the source of leaks of executive sessions. Finally it was decided to sacrifice Jim Young. "What can we expect," asked one venerable Senator, "when a trained news- paper man sits in executive sessions and has charge of the execu- tive records.'^" And so he was sacrificed, although it was known that these executive sessions secrets are never obtained from Senate employees. Mr. Young went to his old home in Philadelphia and after the election in 1896 returned to Washington with one of the largest congressional majorities ever known up to that time. The Gridiron Club gave a special dinner in order to compliment him. But the election of 1896 did a great deal more for the Grid- iron Club. It developed Mark Hanna, who made a big hit at the first dinner he attended, and was a welcome guest as long as he lived. CHAPTER VIII CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS Last of Cleveland and Beginning of McKinley — Royal Flush of Clubs Picturing Events — Telephone Con- versation WITH Canton — President McKinley a Guest — A Republican Elephant — The "Little Corporal" Demands Prosperity and Pie and the Pie Appears — Hanna Makes a Hit. NATURALLY the Gridiron Club had to take account of the change of administration which occurred after the election of 1896. In November of that year, William McKinley had defeated William J. Bryan, but when the annual dinner was held in January, 1897, the Cleveland adminis- tration was still in office. The dinner partook of a sort of farewell to the retiring administration, together with a sugges- tion of the new administration which would take office in the coming March. The Gridiron Club has often inade a speciality of menu souvenirs, and these, in the guise of cards, books, pamphlets, papers, imi- tations of the Congressional Record, and various other forms, have por- trayed in turn some interesting event which was before the public. At the dinner in January, 1897, a royal flush of clubs was the sou- venir, designed by Francis E. Leupp of the New York Evening Post. The ace bore the picture of the President of the Club, S. E. John- son, of the Cincinnati Enquirer. The court cards were double heads. The king had for one face the well-known countenance of William McKinley with 56 CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS 57 a gold dollar in one hand and a tariff bill in the other, and for the corner spot the White House with a Gridiron flag floating proudly over it. The opposite head was that of William J. Bryan, and in one hand was grasped a silver dollar while the other wielded a sword inscribed *'Free Coinage." The queen had for one head a Cuban senorita with a cigarette between her lips, for Cuba in those days was a very important subject in the Capital of the United States. On the other end, was a picture of ex-Queen LiLiuoKALANi, holding a pair of scales in her hand and weighing her crown against a liberal pension. This was rather prophetic because everybody under- stood that the coining ad- ministration would no doubt recognize the Ameri- can element in Hawaii, and that Queen "Lil" would not remain as ruler of the Islands very long. In after years, the ex-Queen became a rather pathetic figure, haunting the halls of Congress, seeking recompense in money or a pension for her lost prestige. The knave had a picture of Sir Julian Pauncefote (that was before he was made Lord Pauncefote), pointing to a map of Venezuela with one hand and holding an olive branch with the other. This, too, represented an event of the time, for dur- 58 GRIDIRON NIGHTS ing the period between Cleveland's threatening message re- garding the Venezuelan dispute, which was portrayed so vividly at the Gridiron dinner in 1895, Sir Julian and Secretary Olney with the Venezuelan minis- ter, had negotiated a treaty which gave England all that she had ever claimed in South America. Oppo- site Sir Julian on the knave was a picture of Abdul Hamid, who was calmly looking at the atro- cities perpetrated by the Turks upon the Armenians. Pointing with his left thumb, his hand raised even with his shoulder, to the slaughter of Armenians which was then going on and pictured in the corner of the card, old Abdul had an almost sardonic grin on his face as if to ask: "What are you going to do about it.?" The ten-spot was a group of Gridiron clubs containing the heads of President Cleveland, Vice-President Stevenson and the eight members of the Cabinet. Inference was to be drawn from this that the members of the administration nearing its close must cease to be court cards and must take their places once more in the body of the pack. It will be remembered that Congressman Boutelle of Maine was more or less of a thorn in the side of Speaker Reed. At the CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS 59 dinner in January, 1897, the animosity between these two Maine men was manifested in a manner that proved to be very amusing. Boutelle, who had long been chairman of the Com- mittee on Naval Affairs, was mentioned in the papers quite frequently as the possible Secretary of the Navy. It was under- stood that a man from New England was to be selected for that place. At this dinner Boutelle was the subject of a little roast, when J. J. Noah, of the Denver News, dressed as a letter-carrier, arrived with a big portfolio in- scribed "Navy" on one side, and walked over to Mr. Boutelle with it. He held it up for a moment, but in switching it around he showed the other side with the word "Nit" in large letters. Mr. Bou- telle was given an oppor- tunity to say what he thought, but as he was of a serious turn of mind, it was soon observed that he had not appreciated the joke which the Gridiron men had played upon him. Mr. Johnson had succeeded Annin as president of the Club. At one stage of the dinner, a telephone in a conspicuous place rang rather furiously. "There has always been more or less discussion," remarked President Johnson, "as to what the United States shall do with its ex-Presidents. The Gridiron 60 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Club is not troubled with any such difficulty. Mr. Annin will answer the telephone.'* Annin went to the telephone and held an imaginary con- versation with somebody in Canton, Ohio, the home of the President-elect. "Yes, he's here," said Annin. "No, Mr. Cleveland did not come." "He don't like the way we roasted his administration about Queen 'Lil' and the Venezuelan boundary." "Yes, BouTELLE is here." "What's he doing.^" (A pause) "Just waiting," Of course that raised a laugh at the e'xpense of Congressman BoUTELLE. The telephone conversation continued: "Yes, Speaker Reed is here." "But not waiting," drawled Speaker Reed from the head of the table, during a momentary pause. It was a decided hit, and even if it did get under the skin of BouTELLE, the Club and its guests enjoyed it. It was expected that one result of the elections of 1896 would be the annexation of Haw^aii, and there was a skit on the sub- ject, only it was "Ireland" that was used for the purpose. Of all anti-expansionists, Senator Hale of Maine was the most pronounced, while Senator Chandler of New Hampshire was just the other way. W. B. Stevens represented Hale of Maine, and F. H. Hosford represented Chandler. When the discus- sion w^axed warm a member of the Club appeared as a White House secretary bringing a message from the President telling the Senate to keep its resolution to itself and not to bother the administration with such trivial affairs. Mr. Cleveland always resented the interference of the Senate in foreign affairs. There were many prominent guests at that dinner and some very clever speeches made, among them one by the Rev. T. DeWitt Talmage, who met the Club on its own ground and was a genuine surprise. Senator James K. Jones of Arkansas, who was chairman of CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS 61 the Democratic national committee, and had just concluded the campaign when Bryan went down to defeat the first time, was called upon and merely remarked that there were innumerable stories of men who had "nothing to say," and assured the Club that they could take any one of them and fit it to his case. That was all, but it told a story which everybody appreciated. President William McKinley was a guest of the Gridiron Club as President for the first time in March, 1897. He did not stay very long, but was at the reception previous to the dinner and met many of the guests. The health of Mrs. McKinley then, and during his entire administration, often caused the President to break engagements, and he never made any arrangement to stay anywhere for a definite length of time, on that account. During the short time that he was present he enjoyed the fun, but he did not stay long enough to partici- pate in the principal stunt of the evening. Most of the members of his Cabinet were there, including Lyman J. Gage, Secretary of the Treasury; Russell A. Alger, Secretary of War; John D. Long, Secretary of the Navy; and James McKenna, Attorney General and now Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Among the other guests were Baron Thielmann, the German Ambassador; and Senhor Mendonca, the Brazilian Ambassador. The Republican elephant was the menu souvenir. On first sight he appeared with a gridiron for a howdah, and on the card was the query, "Has the Gridiron Club a pull.^" with the answer, "Well, we should smile!" Suspended from the elephant was a ribbon at the end of which was the word "pull." Nat- urally the ribbon was pulled with the interesting result that a picture of McKinley in Napoleonic hat appeared in the howdah. In one hand he held a pie and in the other a dish of plums. The elephant showed life with the pulling of the ribbon. His 62 GRIDIRON NIGHTS trunk came out of hiding with a basket of plums labelled "news'* and at the same time appeared tied to the end of his tail a bag labelled "tips," for the benefit of the Washington correspondents. The initiation of three new members, Raymond Patterson, J. Harry Cunningham and Alex. Mosher, offorded an oppor- tunity to ridicule a regulation of the Civil Service Commission. In addition to other tests these candidates were required to hop quite a distance on one foot, that being a physical test required by the Commission of applicants for places in the government service. The Dingley tariff bill had a brief mention. A member made up to look like the chairman of the Ways and Means Committee entered the dining-room with a large bundle marked "Dingley Bill," announcing that he was taking his bill to the Senate. As he disappeared there was heard a crash, sounds of tearing paper and a general commotion and disturbance. The member came hurrying back with clothes torn and the bill in tatters. The skit illustrated the manner in which the Senate treated tariff bills passed by the House. This was the first appearance of Senator Marcus A. Hanna at a Gridiron dinner. Next to the President of the United States he was the most famous man in the country. At the beginning of the campaign in 1896, he was scarcely known. But making a business of politics, and conducting it along the same lines that he would conduct any great business enterprise, he started out to accomplish a purpose and won. He not only carried the Republican party in the preliminary campaign and nominated his friend, William McKinley, for President, but he conducted one of the hardest fights any man ever had, and won a sub- stantial victory by the election of McKinley in November. Very few people stop to think that it was really a close election and that the change of some 40,000 votes distributed among a number of States would have resulted in the election of Bryan. Members of the Gridiron Club did not discount Mark Hanna's achievement, and they showed it by inviting him to the first dinner they gave after he came to Washington. He had CHANGE OF ADMINISTRATIONS 63 succeeded John Sherman as Senator from Ohio, the latter leaving the Senate to go into McKinley's cabinet as Secretary of State. The Gridiron Club built a stunt around Hanna and the President, on the subject of patronage which was very- interesting to many men at that time. At one stage of the dinner, Frank Hosford came in made up as Napoleon. It is remembered that McKinley, on account of his resemblance to the famous *' Little Corporal," had figured as Napoleon during the campaign in both favorable and unfavor- able cartoons. Hosford went over to where Johnson, the President of the Club, was sitting, and in a loud voice said: "Grover Cleveland Johnson, get out of here; haven't you heard that there has been an election and that you are no longer *it'.^ I am going to take charge and see that we get what we want." At that moment, several waiters came in, bearing one of the largest pies that it was possible to make. It was a real mince pie and was at least four feet across and deep accordingly. "Pie!" shouted Hosford, "and prosperity. That is what we want!" Immediately attention was directed to the center of the room where the pie had been carried. "Senator Hanna, will you carve this pie?" said Hosford, and at the same time another member of the Club handed the Ohio Senator a huge carving knife. Hanna was game all right, and immediately started for the pie with the knife uplifted. But before he could begin carving there was a terrific commotion in the room and members of the Club in separate bands, dressed in ulsters and other habihments of marching clubs, and with various banners such as, "Ohio 100,000 Strong," "Hanna Howlers," "McKinley Legion," and "Prosperity's Phalanx," rushed in and grabbed the pie right out from under Hanna's hands. They went to it hke a hungry horde, and it is rather an interesting fact that one or two of the leaders of that "mob" landed good jobs under the McKin- ley administration. 64 GRIDIRON NIGHTS During the distribution of the pie, Johnson ordered Richard Lee Fearn to remove the Napoleon intruder, and he was hustled out. When quiet had been restored, Mr. Johnson, in a few well chosen remarks, introduced Mark Hanna to a Gridiron audi- ence for the first time. Many members of the Gridiron Club, in their capacity of correspondents of their different papers, had been more or less intimately associated with Senator Hanna at the Republican national convention and through the campaign following when he maintained a headquarters both in New York and in Chicago, but it was the first time that several members and most of the guests had seen the distinguished political leader. As a preliminary to his speech. Senator Hanna remarked: *'I know many members of the Gridiron Club. I have met most of you on the tented field and in the barrooms of New York and Chicago." The burst of applause and hearty laughter which greeted this sally showed that Senator Hanna had made good at the very beginning, and so far as the rest of the speech is concerned it was equally pointed and interesting. From that time until the day of his death. Senator Hanna rarely missed a Gridiron dinner. What is more, he was always willing to "play the game." He would take, or fit into, any part that the Gridiron men asked him to fill, or make a speech at the end of some stunt when it would help carry out a burlesque. Hanna was also represented in a cartoon in which he ap- peared with a senatorial toga and a broad smile. This afforded an opportunity for Wm. Elroy Curtis to deliver a lecture upon the rise to fame of a modest man of Mark. Senator Hanna was prominent at other dinners and particularly during 1898, the year of the Spanish war. CHAPTER IX THE EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 President of the Second Hawaiian Republic Helps a Skit — Minister Wu's Retort to Reed — Lodge and Gros- VENOR IN Civil Service Scrap — Forecasting the War WITH Spain — Guests Commissioned Vice-Admirals — Hanna Pleads for Peace and is Defied by Roosevelt. PRESIDENT DOLE of Hawaii unconsciously helped out a skit at the very beginning of a Gridiron dinner in January, 1898. The whirly-gig of politics in the United States had an echo in Hawaii. Queen Liliuokalani was dethroned a second time and Sanford B. Dole was chosen President. He was in Washington to confer with President McKinley, and came to the dinner. He had been requested to make a brief speech, but he extended his remarks and the Club was too courteous to call down the tall, earnest man, with long white whiskers, who proceeded to tell about conditions in Ha- waii. Meanwhile, the soup was waiting, for his speech, in the in- terest of saving time, had been "sandwiched" in between courses. When the soup was finally served. Bob Wynne made a vigor- ous protest, declaring that something was wrong with it, that it was cold and unfit for Gridiron guests. Different members tried to make him desist, and President Frank H. Hosford of the Rocky Mountain News sternly declared him out of order and directed him to take his seat. Wynne persisted and with such vehemence that Frank Bennett, the manager of the Arlington, was called, and after a protest produced the soup kettle. Wynne dived into it and pulled out several articles, including an arbi- tration treaty, then dying in the Senate, the report of the Monetary Commission, and a number of other things that were declared old enough, and long enough dead to give any soup a bad taste. 65 66 GRIDIRON NIGHTS And the joke was all the better because Dole's speech had unintentionally kept the soup waiting until it was really cold. This was the thirteenth annual dinner of the Club, and Dick Fearn, an inventive genius, designed a menu that put "Old Thirteen" on the Gridiron. Everything possible was done to emphasize the numeral; there was a flag of thirteen stars and thirteen bars, each bar bearing the date of an annual dinner; the date Janu- ary 28, 1898, had thirteen characters; the menu had thir- teen courses, each representing one of the characters of the signs of the zodiac, the extra one being added to include the terrapin. The sheets of the menu were attached to a large brass gridiron, upon which thirteen was "done to a turn." It was at this dinner that a long dispute between Senator Henry Cabot Lodge and Gen. Charles H. Grosvenor was settled. Lodge had always been the champion of civil service and Grosvenor its implacable foe. In the House of Represen- tatives, Grosvenor led a fight each year to strike out of an appropriation bill the money to pay the salaries and expenses of the Civil Service Commission. He was not successful, but it established his position. Lodge never lost an opportunity in the Senate to defend the merit system. The Gridiron way was to bring these two champions together at the dinner and let them "fight it out." Two men, who were almost in the champion class in boxing, were made up as Lodge and Grosvenor. The disguises were excellent. Members of the Club as "sports," assisted in a prize ring contest. "Hank" Boynton and "Cros" Noyes of the Washington Star seconded "Lodge"; while "Jack" Carson of the Philadelphia Ledger and EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 67 "Walt" Stevens of the St. Louis Globe-Democrat performed a like service for "Grosvenor." "Bob" Larner of the Charles- A long P(/LL a/»d a. Ctrong PULL for> Cii/il Sartrtce /feform. ton News and Courier was referee and *'Hal" West of the Washington Post, timekeeper. The bouts were genuine enough, as the two principals were real scrappers and the guests were treated to a fine boxing contest. "Grosvenor" was finally knocked out and carried away on a stretcher, to an appropriate dirge. While attempts have been made since by various Congress- men hungry to abolish the civil service system, the Gridiron burlesque epitomized at that dinner all such efforts and the usual results. It has always been the opinion of some of the older members of the Club that the speeches made at Gridiron dinners in the earlier days were really an important feature and certainly that was the case at the January dinner of 1898, when speeches were made by President Dole of Hawaii; Speaker Reed; Associate Justice Brewer; the German Ambassador, Mr. Von Holleben; the Chinese Minister, Dr. Wu Tingfang; Senator Hanna, Senator Depew, Senator Foraker, Senator Gorman, and Senator Hill. Of all the speakers probably none was more entertaining 68 GRIDIRON NIGHTS than Minister Wu. Dr. Wu was one of the most interesting personahties that ever represented a foreign government in Washington. Hundreds of stories have been told about him, but in view of the fact that he became a strict teetotaler in his later years, I shall repeat this one: Dr. Wu gave a large recep- tion to prominent men in Washington, most of them Senators, at which champagne flowed like water. The Senators conceived the idea of getting their host full and one Senator after another would get hold of Dr. Wu and propose a toast to the health of the Emperor of China. Without batting an eye. Dr. Wu drank every toast that was offered. Along in the small hours the Senators dropped out, disappeared, and Dr. Wu was still holding the fort. Looking around through his heavy glasses, which gave him an owlish sort of appearance, he took a glass of champagne in his hand and blandly inquired: "Where be these Senators.^" At the Gridiron dinner Dr. Wu sat between Speaker Reed and Chauncey M. Depew. Each of them made a reference to his neighbor when he made his speech, but it was Reed who was the most pointed. "I have been much interested,'* said the Speaker, "as I have been sitting here beside the Chinese Min- ister, to observe how Gridiron wit and humor struck the Oriental mind. It has not been a wasted evening." When Dr. Wu was called on to speak he retaliated upon both Depew and Reed, referring to Depew as a man who had been a candidate for so many offices that he would be regarded in China as a back-number, while of Mr. Reed, he said: "I am told that your great Speaker is a RepublicaTi. In our coun- try he would be a pronounced monarchist and a supporter of the Manchu dynasty." There never was any discount on Dr. Wu's ability to take care of himself. About this time the railroad men were in Washington trying in every way to secure the adoption of an amendment to the Interstate Commerce law which would prevent passenger rate scalping. Ticket scalping had been common to travelers since railroading began, and of course the scalpers were known far EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 69 and wide. Invited to the dinner was a number of prominent railroad men and at one stage of the proceedings several members of the Club, dressed as Indians in large war bonnets, Navajo blankets and the other necessary paraphernalia to give the real Wild West appearance, entered the dining-room with loud yelps and near imitations of the Red Men, and rushing around to different railroad men proceeded to do the scalping act in the most approved fashion. Among those who were singled out for this skit were Geo. W. Boyd and E. P. Postlethwaite of the Pennyslvania railroad; H. W. Fuller of the Chesapeake and Ohio railway; Geo. H. Daniels of the New York Central rail- road; and W. A. Turk of the Southern railway. Pensions were a very live topic because several attempts had been made to increase the pension list. This was one of the features of the initiation of Albert Miller of the Kansas City Star and Charles A. Boynton of the Associated Press. An alleged pension roll, which was brought in covered with a large American flag, was examined and it was found that a number of prominent men had been granted pensions. Thomas B. Reed was pensioned at the usual rate for total blindness on the minority side, disability, ossification of the backbone. Senator Joseph B. Foraker was pensioned with *'the pay and perquisites of a senior Senator — disability, occasional deafness in his Columbus ear, aphasia, periodical disability to pronounce common words such as Ohio — Senator — Mark — Hanna." It was just at that time that Mark Hanna was a candidate to succeed himself after serving a short time. Hanna was then engaged in the hardest struggle of his life to secure reelection as Senator from Ohio. Foraker and Hanna had disagreed, and were not- able to hit it off very well, particularly in regard to the Ohio patronage which Hanna controlled under the McKinley administration. This recalls a remark by Foraker at the convention in 1896 at St. Louis when he had been selected to place McKinley in nomination. "I suppose you will make this the greatest effort of your life," remarked a newspaper man. 70 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Well," replied Foraker, in a manner that showed his known antipathy to McKinley, "what do you think I would make for a friend?" Three dinners were given by the Gridiron Club in 1898, two of which were very remarkable. One of them occurred on the evening of March 26 and was particularly noteworthy because it was a forecast of the war with Spain. The Maine had been blown up in Havana Harbor more than six weeks before, Febru- ary 15. Capt. SiGSBEE, who commanded the ill-fated ship, was then on his way to Washington and arrived twenty-four hours later. The report of the commission which made a careful examination of the wreck had not yet been made public. The papers were filled with rumors of war; and the efforts that President McKinley was making to prevent war, assisted by nearly every member of his administration and a large number of Senators and Representatives of the Republican party, were subjects of discussion. In Congress at that time was a number of Republican insur- gents who were generally called reconcentrados for the reason that the Cuban people were so termed by the Spanish soldiers when gathered in camps surrounded by barbed-wire fences. These insurgents were led by such men as Cushman K. Davis, Joseph B. Foraker, John M. Thurston, William E. Chand- ler, and others in the Senate, w^hile James A. Tawney, James R. Mann, and William Alden Smith were among the leaders of the insurgents in the House, who helped to force the war with Spain. Thus it was that a very tense feeling permeated the whole country, and it spread over the dining-room when President Frank H. Hosford rapped with his gavel and the electric Gridiron flashed upon a large number of " Vice-Admirals," for such was every member and guest designated on the menu souvenir, which was in the form of a Commission signed by President Hosford and attested by Richard Lee Fearn, chairman of the menu committee. Before me as I write is one of these documents with the picture of a warship flying the EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 71 Gridiron flag, and an officer with a Gridiron in his hand, ap- proaching the fort "To-Morrow-Castle" upon which are mounted champagne bottles. The first part of this commission reads: "To All Who May Be Present, Greeting: Know Ye, that reposing special trust and confidence in the valor, capacity and personal pulchritude of Theodore Roosevelt, I have appointed him Vice-Admiral of Volunteers," etc., etc. The presence of Theodore Roosevelt, who was then Assistant Secretary of the Navy, developed a very interesting feature at the dinner. As I have said, the whole dinner hung upon the coming war with Spain, which everybody realized was inevitable, and after differ- ent possibilities of the war had been discussed, and frequent reference made to the approaching hostilities, some humorous and others serious, President Hosford indulged in one of his flights of oratory upon the greatness of the men who had as- sembled about the Gridiron board, mentioning the prominence of Ohio in the impending crisis, and, turning directly toward the Senator from Ohio, said: ** Senator Hanna, can we have this war.^" That was an introduction for Senator Hanna who had made good speeches at previous Gridiron dinners, and it is perhaps not discreditable to him to say that he was far from his best at this dinner because he was out of tune with the prevailing idea which permeated the country at that time. Hanna, no more than McKinley, wanted war, and he showed it in everything 72 GRIDIRON NIGHTS that he said, pointing out the great loss of life, the cost of war, and the necessity for moving slowly in all great under- takings. And by way of contrast. President Hosford switched the whole situation by caustically remarking at the close of Senator Hanna's speech: "At least we have one man connected with this administra- tion who is not afraid to fight — Theodore Roosevelt, Assis- tant Secretary of the Navy, and tonight a Vice-Admiral by commission of the Gridiron Club." "We will have this war for the freedom of Cuba, Senator Hanna, in spite of the timidity of the commercial interests," was one of the sentences which were ground out through the white teeth of the Assistant Secretary. It was a very dramatic moment, and there was no one present at that dinner who did not thoroughly understand that war was inevitable. Twenty-four hours later, Capt. Sigsbee arrived in Washing- ton. The report on the Maine was made public within a few days and although the declaration of war did not follow for a short time after, everybody knew that it was coming. Features and stunts did not figure at that dinner to any great extent although several members of the Club made efforts along this line and interspersed a little fun with the seriousness of the occasion. An interesting novelty introduced was when Gen. James Longstreet, formerly of the Confederate army, was called upon to speak, and Walter B. Stevens, in a Con- federate uniform, stood behind him at attention. This was followed by a tribute to Gen. Daniel Sickles of the Union army, who was attended by a member of the Club in a blue uniform when he made a short speech. One of the guests was Senator George C. Perkins of Cali- fornia, then a vigorous man who loved the sea and who, upon receiving his Gridiron Vice-Admiral commission, remarked that it was a proud honor, and that he. would have been glad to have sacrificed all the honors of his life to have been an officer in the Navy of the United States. EVENTFUL YEAR OF 1898 73 James Hamilton Lewis, then a member of the House of Representatives from Washington, afterward a Senator from Illinois, was a guest. He was one of the most fluent talkers in public life, but whether for effect or because he did not know his audience, he paused for a moment and said he scarcely knew what he should say. "Tell us the story of your life," came in measured tones from a member of the Club at a distant table, and the suggestion caused a titter which grew louder as Lewis floundered in an effort to get started. He never did make that speech. Gov. Lloyd Lowndes of Maryland was a guest, and thereby hangs an interesting tale: Mr. Francis A. Richardson of the Baltimore Sun, an honored member of the Club, had been requested to invite Gov. Lowndes on the theory that the coming dinner was to be a gathering of governors. Nearly every mem- ber of the Club had invited a governor, but one after another declined or withdrew his acceptance because some pressing business made it necessary for him to remain at home. In fact, most of them, expecting a war with Spain and a call for State troops, did not dare leave their capitals. Before the guests went in to dinner Mr. Richardson wandered about with his governor trying to find other governors to whom he might introduce the chief magistrate of Maryland. *' Where are all those governors.'^" he frequently inquired of members of the Club, and each in turn ducked the question by saying that they would soon arrive. As it turned out, Mr. Richardson had the only governor at the dinner, but it was an occasion that was more interesting than any other that Governor Lowndes at- tended during his term as Maryland's chief executive. More remarkable than the dinner preceding the war was that which followed after peace had been restored when the Gridiron Club entertained an array of prominent guests such as never before were assembled. CHAPTER X MOST NOTABLE DINNER EVER GIVEN Distinguished Array of Guests — Presidents, Premiers, Chancellors, Cabinet Officers, Diplomats, Army and Navy Officers of the Spanish War, and other Promi- nent Persons — An Anglo-Saxon Demonstration — Gridiron Commission Reports — An Interesting Sou- venir. THE most notable dinner ever given by the Gridiron Club took place after the Spanish war, in December, 1898. A combination of circumstances enabled the Club to entertain more distinguished guests than ever gathered around any dining table at one time in this or any other country. At that time the High Joint Commission, composed of distinguished men of the British Empire and the United States, was holding a session in Washington. Men who had taken a very prominent part in the Spanish war, both on land and sea, were also in the National Capital. The list of those present at the dinner given as an appendix to this chapter is sufficient to show that it was an assembly of unusual character. William McKinley, President of the United States, and Sefior Don Rafael Iglesias, President of Costa Rica, were on the right and left of the President of the Gridiron Club. At all the tables were men who had made and were making history. Men of England and Canada touched elbows with prominent Senators and Representatives in the Congress of the United States. Army and Navy officers, most of whom afterward reached a higher rank in the service of their country, discussed with statesmen and members of the Gridiron Club the events of the short war and the possibilities of the future. Peace had been restored, but the problems left by the war were still un- solved. For years the relations with Canada had been very 7i A NOTABLE DINNER 75 unsatisfactory and it was with a view of improving the condi- tions that the High Joint Commission was sitting. Altogether the time and place and the conditions made it possible for the Gridiron Club to give a dinner which will go down in history as notable on account of the distinguished character of the guests. With such an array of prominent men at the tables it was impossible to introduce many Gridiron features because nearly everybody wanted to see, if not to hear, the many distinguished men present. Only one imposing feature was presented and that was a burlesque of the war investigation commission. A few shots were fired at the gentle McKinley. That was the first time the Club ever played directly at a President of the United States, and consequently everybody craned his neck and rubbered to see how he took it. The shafts were very mild, however, compared to. those hurled at his successors. After the Spanish war the critics demanded victims and forced an extended investigation of the conduct of the war for the purpose of finding out who had been at fault for various things that had happened which ought not to have happened when a country goes to war, but which nearly always do happen where the country is not prepared for war. So the Gridiron Club had an investigation. Its Commission entered the dining- room clothed in black robes with a huge interrogation-mark in white running the full length of the front. The members sang in a low tone the chorus: "Hush! Hush! Hush! — Here Comes the Bogey Man." Each Commissioner had an exhibit of what had been found. Various members made reports hitting off some particular thing that was current at the time. One of them brought forth a long tin sword and raising it aloft declared that it was the sword with which Gen. Corbin hewed his way to the White House and back again to the War Department. Gen. Corbin was constantly going from the War Department to the White House during the war and was credited with having more influ- ence with President McKinley than almost any of the men who were close to him. 76 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Another exhibit was a collection of the authorized and un- authorized interviews with Gen. Miles. This was a shot at the General, who had been interviewed in Porto Rico by the corre- spondent of the Kansas City Star and had given out at that time the correspondence passing between Secretary Alger and himself, something that very nearly resulted in court-martial proceedings. Another exhibit produced was the "Battle Him of the Re- pubhc," a member presenting a picture of Admiral Dewey. The report of the Commission was brief and stated: *' First — We find there has been a war. Second — We find Spain has been licked. Third — We find that all Anglo-Saxons stood together." As the last sentence was uttered the American and British Flags were unfurled and fell full length on one side of the dining-room, while the band played America and the Americans sang My Country, 'Tis, and the Englishmen and Canadians sang God Save the Queen. With all of the foreigners present this produced a very enthusiastic scene. President Hosford immediately introduced Sir Wilfrid Laurier, who made an eloquent and appropriate speech for the occasion. President McKinley did not speak, beyond expressing his pleasure at being present. Speeches were made by Lord Herschell, Sir Richard Cartwright, Secretary Hay, Gen. Shafter, Admiral Schley, Gen. Miles, Lieutenant-General Schofield, Senator Lodge, and Champ Clark. One of the wittiest speeches made during the evening was that of S. E. Johnson, a member of the Club, who was called upon to report upon the Gridiron Club's "High Jinks Commis- sion," a take-off upon the High Joint Commission which was then sitting in Washington. Mr. Johnson said that in order to settle a great many troubles we were willing to make any kind of a deal with Canada. She could take all of New England, including Speaker Reed, Congressman Boutelle, Chairman Dingley — the author of the Dingley Bill — and Senator A NOTABLE DINNER 77 Henry Cabot Lodge. "If we could get rid of these, and the New England States," he said, "there might be some oppor- tunity for the rest of the people of the United States to govern themselves. We want you Canadians to distinctly understand that you cannot make any deal with us, nor will we meet any of your demands, until you agree to take New England and these men off our hands." Capt. Alfred Paget, of the Royal Navy, an attache of the British Embassy, had been with the United States forces during the war with Spain. He was called up and made a speech. It was very English, so English in fact that very few people could understand him, but there was a bit of wit now and again which gave people an opportunity to laugh. As Capt. Paget sat down and while the room was momentarily quiet, some man blurted forth: "Well, that is the best imitation Englishman I ever heard!" He did not know that Capt. Paget was the real thing. While Gen. Shafter, who had commanded the army in Cuba was speaking, a member of the Club clothed as an orderly stood behind him, and another member of the Club in the uniform of a sailor stood behind Admiral Schley during his talk. Perhaps one of the most striking features of this remarkable dinner occurred when Gen. Henry W. Lawton was called upon. Gen. Lawton was then passing through Washington, on his way from Cuba to the Philippines, This splendid soldier, who had won honors in Cuba, who had an enviable Civil War record, and a brilliant career as an Indian fighter, had not brought the conventional evening clothes with him and appeared at the dinner in the blue service uniform which he was wearing when he left Cuba. He made no speech, but, standing erect, six- feet-two, clothed in the uniform of his country, the two stars of a Major-General shining from each shoulder strap, he bowed his acknowledgments to the applause which greeted him — a splendid type of soldier and man, and one of the guests that made that particular dinner a most memorable occasion. Gen. Lawton was one of the sacrifices of the Philippine insurrection — shot dead at the head of his troops. 78 GRIDIRON NIGHTS BOTTLE-riELD OF J)EC.3''-^--I898. Plan or Attack. The menu was the work of Richard Lee Fearn, whose fertile and inventive mind has contributed many features to the Gridiron Club. It was a general Army order in imitation of the thousands of orders that had been issued during the war, with the addition of a *'map of the bottle- field of Soon Won Hill." San Juan Hill was still a topic in the discussions of the Spanish war. The map drawn by J. Harry Cunningham did not need a dia- gram to show that it was a Gridiron war plan. "Arlingtown'* seemed to be the point which guarded the \ vv\ ^ '■ ^^ ^--^i^^- y^r bottle; then there was / . . ^^^^^^^^ 2R:\ "Champagne River," "Sauterne Creek," *'Apollinaris Run," and "Coffee Branch," with cigars as gun- boats coming in from sea. The "orders" were issued in the name of President Hosford and every guest was assigned to the specific duty of "attacking" the dinner and holding himself in readiness for "volunteer service" in the matter of making speeches. These orders were filled with military and near-mihtary terms, interchanged in ■■■ ftegu/sirs: c=i Volunteers. yCOZtme offtetreat j^ Disf/nguis/ted Spectators * from Abroad. J/fdmiiiyAaM -a!ef A NOTABLE DINNER 79 such a way as to show that even such a serious thing as war may have a humorous side when the Gridiron test is appHed. Among the specific orders were the following: *' Brigadier-General Corbin is directed to hold himself con- tinually in preparation to appear before the examining board to de- termine his qualifications for promotion to the next higher grade." (It was known that Gen. Corbin was ambitious to be made a Major-General, a rank he afterward attained.) "The report of Hawaiian Volunteers Cullom and Hitt is ordered returned to them with instructions to strike out all reference to the hula-hula." (Senator Cullom, chairman of the Senate Committee, and Congressman Hitt of the House Com- mittee, dealing with foreign questions, had recently made a report on conditions in Hawaii.) Every committee of the Club, such as the initiation, recep- tion, entertainment, music, and menu, was grouped under a special order and assigned to certain duties. For instance. No. 5, relating to the entertainment committee, read as follows: "For the purpose of providing a brilliant plan of operations and affording proper opportunities for the rapid and safe fabrica- tion of Heroes, as well as to prevent the tactical and technical deficiencies of their superior oflScers from becoming too evident to those who have volunteered to become guests, a Strategy Board is designated to assemble at the Arlington Hotel at eight o'clock December 3, 1898, and directed to hold continuous sessions while the enemy offers resistance, or as long as there is a scrap in sight. The Board will be governed in its proceedings by an utter disregard of precedents and its actions will be marked by an exhibition of such disingenuous ingenuity as is common to similar Strategy Boards in other services." That order is a fair sample of the rest and is couched in the terms in which many army orders were issued during the stirring times of the Spanish war. Altogether it was an interesting menu for an interesting dinner. Gen. H. V. Boynton was the only Gridiron Spanish war hero. President McKinley had made him a Brigadier-General 80 GRIDIRON NIGHTS of Volunteers, more on account of what he had done during the Civil War, and the splendid standing he had among the Wash- ington correspondents, than because of his probable activities in the brush with Spain. We were all proud of the General and he had been presented with a sword by his admiring friends. The Gridiron Club presented him with a *' horse." The horse was a mule, as I happen to know, because I was the "orderly** who brought the horse in and presented it to the General. It was one of those contraptions that masqueraders hang upon their hips with little toy legs and riding boots on either side. This "horse" had long, movable ears which proclaimed it to be a mule, and, as its apparent rider, I manipulated those ears while Gen. Boynton made his speech of acceptance. Although a member of the Club and with full knowledge of our desire for short speeches, the General went off on a long talk about the Spanish war, and, incidentally, battles that he had participated in thirty years before; and I stood there with that papier- mache horse sawing into my hips until I thought it would cut me in two. The horse was introduced by a clatter of hoofs such as we hear on the stage when some gallant horseman is supposed to dash up and rescue the maiden from the villain or the treacherous Redskins. And when Gen. Boynton finished his speech we clattered out to the same accompaniment. "Uncle Sam's Yellow Kids" was another skit of the dinner. Many people will remember that the "Yellow Kid" was a feature in journalism about that time and the Gridiron Club made use of it, coupled with the treaty which had been nego- tiated with Spain at the close of the year. That treaty was one of the important subjects of consideration then, especially as it provided for the acquisition of the Philippines for which $20,000,- 000 was to be paid to Spain. One of the members in the cos- tume of Uncle Sam brought in half a dozen colored boys of the complexion that the negroes call "yaller." They were meant to represent the Filipinos and were labeled, "Billy Luzon," "Little Caroline** (Caroline Islands), "Min Danao,** and other names applicable to the Philippine Islands. After they had executed a A NOTABLE DINNER 81 dance Uncle Sam was advised to get rid of them and get back his $20,000,000, and the "Yellow Kids" were hustled through the "open door." John Hay, Secretary of State, was using the "Open Door" about that time as a shibboleth in our foreign relations, especially as related to China. That treaty with Spain furnished a very interesting feature for the next Gridiron dinner, for the question of its ratification became an intense question in the Senate and in the whole country very soon after the events which have just been related. GUESTS AT THE DINNER, DEC. 3, 1898 William McKinley, President of the United States. Senor Don Rafael Iglesias, President of Costa Rica. Garrett A. Hobart, Vice-President of the United States. The Right Honorable Lord Farrer Herschell, G.C.B., England. Sir Wilfrid Laurier, Premier of Canada. Sir James Winter, Premier of Newfoundland. Sir Richard Cartwright, Minister of Trade and Commerce, Canada. Sir Louis Davies, Minister of Marine and Fisheries, Canada. The Honorable John Charlton, M.P., Canada. Senor Don Joaquin Bernardo Calvo, Minister of Costa Rica. John Hay, Secretary of State. Lyman J. Gage, Secretary of the Treasury. John W. Griggs, Attorney-General. Charles Emory Smith, Postmaster-General. John D. Long, Secretary of the Navy. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. Lieutenant-General John M. Scofield, U.S. Army, retired. Major-General Nelson A. Miles, Commanding U.S. Army, afterward Lieutenant- General. Rear-Admiral Winfield S. Schley, U.S. Navy. Major-General William R. Shafter, U.S. Army. Major-General Henry W. Lawton, U.S. Army. Major-General D. T. Mertvago, Russian Embassy. Major-General Calixto Garcia, Cuban Army of Liberation. Rear-Admiral A. W. Weaver, U.S. Navy, retired. Brigadier-General Joseph C. Breckinridge, U.S. Army, afterward Major- General. Brigadier-General Thaddeus H. Stanton, U.S. Army. 82 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Brigadier-General Henry C. Corbin, U.S. Army, afterward Lieutenant-General. Brigadier-General M. I. Ludington, U.S. Army, afterward Major-General. Brigadier-General Charles P. Eagan, U.S. Army. Captain Alfred Paget, R.N., British Embassy. Captain Charles D. Sigsbee, U.S. Navy, afterward Rear-Admiral. Captain Royal B. Bradford, U.S. Navy, afterward Rear-Admiral. Colonel Charles Heywood, U.S. Marine Corps, afterward Major-General. Colonel William H. Carter, U.S. Army, afterward Major-General. Gen. George H. Harries, U.S. Volunteers. Major James M. Bell, U.S. Army, afterward Brigadier-General. Major G. Creighton Webb, U.S. Volunteers. Lieutenant John J. Knapp, U.S. Navy, afterward Captain. Captain Henry H. Whitney, U.S. Army. First Lieutenant Ervin Wardman, U.S. Volunteers. General Felix Agnus, Baltimore American. Champ Clark, Representative from Missouri, afterward SpeaJcer of the House. T. Jefferson Coolidge, Massachusetts. Shelby M. Cullom, Senator from Illinois. Charles G. Dawes, Comptroller of the Currency. Nelson Dingley, Representative from Maine. General Grenville M. Dodge, Iowa. Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of Patents. H. Clay Evans, Commissioner of Pensions. Charles Denby, Indiana. Charles W. Fairbanks, Senator fron Indiana, afterward Vice-President of the United States. Charles J. Faulkner, Senator from West Virginia. John W. Foster, former Secretary of State. David J. Hill, Assistant Secretary of State, afterward Ambassador to Germany. R. R. HiTT, Representative from Illinois. Henry Cabot Lodge, Senator from 3Iassachusetts. George D. Meiklejohn, Assistant Secretary of War. L, A. Pradt, Assistant Attorney-General. John Addison Porter, Secretary to the President. Henry S. Pritchett, U.S. Coast Survey. George L. Shoup, Senator from Idaho. John B. Wight, Commissioner District of Columbia. Dr. Walter Wyman, Surgeon-General, U.S.M.H.S. 3. D. Yeomans, Interstate Commerce Commissioner. John Russell Young, Librarian of Congress. Robert C. Alexander, New York. George M. Allen, Indiana. A NOTABLE DINNER 83 C. K. Berbyman, Washington Star. Scott C. Bone, Washington Post. Charles H, Boynton, Washington, D. C. J. Henry Carson, New York. S. Harden Church, Pennsylvania. William H. Coolidge, Massachusetts. George B. Cortelyou, New York, afterward held three Cabinet positions. Charles H. Cramp, Philadelphia. John B. Dahlgren, Washington, D. C. Edward M. Dingley, Michigan. Edward D. Easton, New York. Henry M. Fuller, Washington, D. C. John H. Garthe, Maryland. B. Howell Griswold, Maryland. Walter D. Harrison, Washington B.C. T. H. Hepburne, England. Beale R. Howard, Washington, B.C. Frank Johnson, Washington, B.C. T. W. Johnston, Jr., Missouri. Rudolph Kauffmann, Washington Star. Joseph Leiter, Illinois. Dr. Thomas L. Macdonald, Washington, B.C. T. H. Macdonald, Connecticut. A. W. Machen, Ohio. J. H. Maddy, B. & 0. Railroad. H. L. Merrick, Washington, B.C. W. R. Nelson, Kansas City Star. John H. Nolan, Washington B.C. Frank B. Noyes, President of the Associated Press. Gonzales de Quesada, head of the Cuban Junta and afterward Minister from Cuba to the United States. W. H. Rapley, Washington, B.C. A. C. Raymond, Betroit, Michigan. Leander Richardson, New York. T. E. RoEssLE, Washington, B.C. Edward Rosewater, Omaha Bee. IsADORE Saks, Washington, B.C. E. W. Simeral, Nebraska. J. Henry Small, Washington, B.C. Edward K. Somborn, Washington, B.C. Henry Somers, Pennsylvania. Fred. Sterry, Virginia. 84 GRIDIRON NIGHTS J. Knox Taylor, Supervising Architect of the Treasury. R. H. Thayer, Washington, B.C. O. H. TiTTMAN, Director U.S. Coast and Geodetic Survey. W. A. Turk, Southern Railway. Frank W. Vaughn, Jr., Washington, B.C. Arnold R. Weber, New York. John F. Wilkins, Washington, B.C. Simon Wolf, Washington, B.C. CHAPTER XI PEACE TREATY AND THE PHILIPPINES Ratifying the Treaty with Spain — How the Club Treated THE Most Stirring Event of the Winter of 1899 — Reference to the Mormon Controversy — The Philip- pine Insurrection and Capture of Aguinaldo. THE Gridiron Club beat the United States to it in the matter of the ratification of the treaty with Spain. When the annual dinner of the Club was held in the latter part of January, 1899, the most important topic in the public mind was whether or not the treaty with Spain which ceded the Philippine Islands and Porto Rico, and ended the sovereignty of Spain over Cuba, would be ratified by the United States Senate. Had a vote been taken in the Senate at the time the dinner was given, the treaty would have been rejected, but the Gridiron Club with its prophetic eye knew that the treaty was to be ratified in time. A vote in the Senate was delayed until the persuasive powers of President McKinley, and the manipulation of Mark Hanna, and the power that was exerted by the churches, by big business which wanted peace, and many other interests, could bring enough Senators into line to secure a two-thirds vote to ratify a treaty which gave us possession of foreign lands on the other side of the world and made the United States in fact as well as in contemplation, a world power. And, by the way, it was during that time that William Jennings Bryan visited Wash- ington and lent his great influence toward the ratification of the treaty. Of course, the Gridiron Club could not treat the situation with great seriousness; that was not the way it handled a sub- ject. And yet the debate proceeded upon apparently serious lines. Various individuals prominent at the time were imper- 85 86 GRIDIRON NIGHTS sonated, principally Senators of the United States. At the very beginning of the discussion a motion was made to print 500,000 copies of the constitution of the United States for the use of Senators Hoar and Vest. This was passed and then an enor- mous petition was presented signed by Andrew Carnegie, William Jennings Bryan, and one other, asking for the im- mediate ratification of the treaty. The member of the Club impersonating Senator Hoar of Massachusetts made a very strong address against ratifying the treaty on the ground that if the people of the United States ate Spanish mackerel the codfish industry of New England would languish. On the other hand, "Senator Lodge," also of Massa- chusetts, took the grounds that the treaty should be immediately ratified. The member of the Club impersonating Senator Cushman K. Davis of Minnesota cut off the debate, declaring that having heard the senior Senator from Massachusetts and the junior Senator from Massachusetts, the Senate knew all there was to be known on the subject. He demanded a vote and forthwith the roll of the Senate was called. This roll-call itself was a laugh-producing feature because William E. Annin, who read the roll of Senators, mimicked in the very best style the clerk of the Senate who usually called the roll and who had one of those sharp, incisive, penetrating voices. In spite of protests of various members of the Club who were acting as "Senators" it was declared that the treaty had been passed unanimously. Gen. H. V. Boynton, who had been chosen President of the Club, on account of the high regard in which he was held by the newspaper profession, in announcing the ratification of the treaty dwelt with especial emphasis upon the necessity for keep- ing the proceedings secret, warning everybody not to say any- thing about the action which had been taken, and urging that the executive sessions should not be the subject of newspaper comment as heretofore. He had hardly concluded this warning when from two doors of the dining-room came cries of "Extra Paper!" "Extra Post!" "Extra Star!" PHILIPPINE PEACE TREATY 87 Everybody looked around and in one door they saw Crosby S. Notes, the venerable editor of the Washington Evening Star, dressed as a newsboy and with an armful of papers, rushing into the dining-room handing out extra papers to everybody. At the other end of the dining-room was Beriah Wilkins, the proprietor of the Washington Post, also dressed as a newsboy and carrying an armful of Posts. He was no less vigorous than his evening contemporary in disposing of "extras." These extra papers contained a full and complete account of the pro- ceedings of the "secret" session, giving the vote in detail upon the ratification of the treaty, together with the speeches of the different "Senators" in full, and otherwise making a burlesque of the executive sessions of the United States Senate. It was very amusing, especially as there is constant friction between the Senate and the newspaper men about the publica- tion of what transpires in executive sessions, and there is gener- ally an investigation pending, an investigation just concluding, or an investigation about to begin, concerning these leaks, while executive session secrets continue to appear in the newspapers the day after they happen. It is generally understood among newspaper men that the Senators are never really serious in their efforts to find out about the leaks of their secret sessions or of other secret conferences that take place in Washington. There was at least one Senator present who appreciated the action of the Gridiron Club and he expressed the opinion that he would like to have the United States exhibit the sense of the Gridiron Club for a few minutes until the treaty could be rati- fied. That was Senator Frye, of Maine, who was a member of the Peace Commission and differed so radically with his colleague. Senator Hale. About the time of the first dinner of 1899, a very interesting condition arose in the House of Representatives regarding Brigham H. Roberts. Roberts had been elected a member of the House from Utah. The people of Utah had promised that polygamy should be abandoned when statehood was granted, yet Roberts went to Washington boldly defying public senti- 88 GRIDIRON NIGHTS ment and not denying the statement that he had three wives. In fact, this Utah man was rather proud of his position. The Gridiron Club took up the idea in initiating a new member, Henry Hall of the Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegraph, He was introduced as "Henry Hall Brigham Young Roberts," and came in leading four members of the Club dressed in women's clothes. There was quite a controversy over the subject of the admission of Hall — who by the way was, and still is, a bachelor — especially as long as he had the Mormon attachments. Finally a member of the Club, as a Chicago lawyer, came forward. He found a method of separating the Mormon family from the new member. In settling the con- troversy as to what should be done with the four ladies a lottery was held which resulted in placing "Mrs. Big Amy Hall," "Mrs. Polly Gamy Hall," "Mrs. Philopino Hall," and "Mrs. Honey Lulu Hall" under the protecting care of Senator Gorman, Richard Croker, Senator Hanna, and the Chinese Minister, Dr. Wu. All of these gentlemen were guests of the evening, and of course the suggestion caused a good deal of fun. The Gridiron Club always made use of Chauncey M. Depew for any purpose whatsoever. On this occasion Gen. Boynton made a short talk in which he referred to Senator Depew, indicating that he was to be called upon for a speech, but just before introducing him and when everybody expected to hear from the New York Senator, there stalked into the room PHILIPPINE PEACE TREATY 89 St-^^^^i^^^e,,,, a very large-sized book labeled "Depew's Jokes." On the other side was a picture of Senator Depew laughing vociferously. After this book had paraded up and down the room no more was heard from Depew for a time. After a little while Gen. Boynton made another and similar speech and had practically introduced De"pew when a phono- graph down in one corner of the room began grinding out some of Depew's old stories, at which members would applaud vigoroulsly and laugh uproariously. A little later in the evening, however, the New York Senator was given an oppor- tunity to speak, and came back at the Club in a very interesting manner. It was at this dinner that President Boynton introduced the custom of drink- ing a toast to the President of the United States which has since been fol- lowed. In stating the purpose he spoke of the Anglo-Saxon nation across the sea which had created the custom and made it honored wherever its jflag was known. He spoke also of the Anglo-Saxon nation on this side of the Atlantic ocean. "Let Anglo-Saxon forms follow our drum-beats around the world," he said. There was much sentiment in the sugges- tion; for many of our people, especially those close to the government, felt very friendly toward Great Britain on account of the course that nation pursued during the Spanish war. But Gen. Boynton did not escape the criticisms of the Celt, the Teuton, as well as others, who refuse to have this nation known as Anglo-Saxon, and the Gridiron Club was warned that it could not Anglicize America with its amalgamated races of the world by adopting British customs and miscalling the people Anglo-Saxons. Richard Croker, the Tammany Chief, was a guest at the dinner. He was invited by John A. Corwin, but would not accept until he was assured that he would not be called upon for a speech. 90 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "I'm nothing on the gab," he said, "and I'd be a mark for guys." Mr, Croker's presence caused an amusing incident just be- fore the dinner. For many years the Gridiron Club has main- tained the custom of obtaining the autographs of all prominent guests. A book for the purpose is placed in the reception room and the guests are asked to sign their names. When Croker reached the place where the book was kept Mark Hanna had just written his name and rose from the table. The two political leaders had never met. Each looked at the other for an instant. Croker first spoke. "Your face seems very familiar," and there was just the shade of a twinkle in his eye. "I ought to know you from your pictures," replied Hanna, who was smiling blandly. CoRWiN introduced them and they at once became friends. A little later they found themselves seated opposite each other and had a good time together. "I knew your face," remarked Croker, "but I missed that suit with the dollar marks." "I'd have been sure it was you if you'd have worn that striped suit," retorted Hanna. Then they both laughed, for Hanna had been made familiar throughout the country by being cartooned in a suit covered with dollar marks, while Croker had for years been pictured in a striped suit that might be that of a convict or the Tammany Tiger. "How did you like it. Chief. '^" asked Corwin, when the dinner was over. "Fine," he replied. "Say, do you know who made the best speech?" PHILIPPINE PEACE TREATY 91 "No; who do you say?" "The Chink," answered Croker. "The Chink was better'n all of 'em." He referred to his excellency, the Honorable Wu Tingfang, minister plenipotentiary and envoy extraordinary from the Emperor of China to the United States. Aguinaldo was a chief figure in the year 1899, for he started an insurrection immediately after the peace treaty with Spain had been ratified. All through the summer and fall the generals and troops had been fighting insurrectos. In that year was born the song that made a certain Carabao dinner of recent times famous. Gen. Otis was in command in the Philippines and had brought upon himself a storm of criticism because of censorship of press dispatches. At the dinner in December, 1899, the events in the Philippines were burlesqued in a skit which utilized the capture of Aguinaldo to initiate a new mem- ber, Rudolph Kauffmann, Managing Editor of the Washington Star. At one stage of the dinner there was a fusillade of shots and much shouting and then there burst through one of the doors a very dark colored nan with hair erect and clothed in a South Sea costume of grass and leaves. "Save me! Save me!" he shouted. "Where is Billy Mason.^ Where is Edward Atkinson.? " (Mason in the Senate was the chief defender of Aguinaldo, and Atkinson was filling many columns denouncing the imperahsm of the United States.) Our Aguinaldo had scarcely time to hide himself behind an improvised jungle when he was followed by a number of mem- bers as "generals" in hot pursuit — Gens. Wheaton, Mac- Arthur, and Lawton being represented as well as others. With drawn swords and much clamor they searched the jungle and brought forth the trembling Aguinaldo. At this point Gen. Otis stalked in wearing a spick and span dress uniform in marked contrast to the service clothes of the 92 GRIDIRON NIGHTS other generals. He carried an enormous blue pencil, the emblem of the censorship he had established in the Philippines. As he walked along he threw away dozens of censored telegrams. Each of the generals presented a report claiming to have cap- tured Aguinaldo at different places. Otis blue-penciled the re- ports and then threw them away, and dictated a dispatch to Washington, paraphrasing one which Admiral Sampson had sent after the sea fight at Santiago in July, 1898. It read: "The army under my command has the honor to present to the nation Aguinaldo, the insurgent chief, as a Christmas present.'* At this point a member of the Club representing himself as one of the Philippine Commissioners, protested against this incursion of the military into the important affairs of the islands. This was an allusion to the differences which had developed between the civil and military authorities in the Philippines and which continued for many years. The Commissioner as- sumed control of Aguinaldo and paroled him on condition that he would become a member of the Gridiron Club. Removing a part of his disguise Mr. Kauffmann announced that that was his highest ambition and he was declared duly initiated. It was a clever skit, sensational, and full of action, but it brought about severe criticism from anti-imperialists, who said the Club was making light of a very serious matter. It is interesting to note that the real captor of Aguinaldo, Frederick Funston, won a brigadier-general's commission by his exploit, and has since distinguished himself in the army, finally securing the coveted two stars of a major-general. There was another event in the Philippines which gave the Gridiron Club an opportunity for ridicule. In pursuing Agui- naldo the army made a capture which caused a loud guffaw all over the United States. The general at the front reported that he had Mrs. Aguinaldo's wardrobe in a barrel. As a burlesque on this, the Gridiron Club made its menu souvenir a part of "Mrs. Aguinaldo's wardrobe," which was enclosed in a barrel and proved to be a silken skirt upon which was printed the menu of the dinner. PHILIPPINE PEACE TREATY 93 In spite of the fact that the government of the United States seemed to sympathize with Great Britain in its fight to conquer the Boers of South Africa, there was a very strong sentiment in this country in favor of the Boers. About that time the Boers were getting very much the best of the various battles that were fought in South Africa. The Gridiron Club took cognizance of it at the December dinner in 1899, first by reading a dispatch from *'Ladysmith, via Harrysmith, via Charlesemorysmith via Hokesmith, via Williamaldensmith," and signed by Rudyard Kipling, which told of another sad but glorious day in which there was a great British victory, although three regiments which had gone to the front had failed to return. Immediately following there burst into one of the doors a number of men dressed in the brilliant red coats of British oflScers, who hurried across the dining-room crying, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" while right behind them was Bob Wynne of the New York Press, dressed to look like Oom Paul Kruger with a Dutch stein in one hand and a big whip in the other. He snapped the whip from time to time as he drove the British officers across the dining-room and out through the opposite door. It was at this dinner that Senator Beveridge was first gridironed. Albert J. Beveridge came to Washington with a great reputation. He was the *'Boy Orator of the Wabash" and was noted as the "Young Man Eloquent." He had been elected to the Senate by the Indiana legislature some time in the winter of 1899 and had bounded off to the Philippines, re- turning with a speech which told all about the Islands, and which he unloaded on the Senate at the very first opportunity. When Senator Beveridge was called upon at the dinner he was escorted to the area in front of the President, given a brief lecture, and told how to deport himself as a United States Sena- tor. First, his youth was criticized and he was told to overcome this defect by wearing whiskers, and a disguise of whiskers was put over his face. Then he was informed that one trouble in the Senate was due to an incHnation to talk too long and he 94 GRIDIRON NIGHTS was given an alarm-clock and told that when the alarm sounded it was time to quit. Having received these instructions he was allowed to proceed. Holding the alarm-clock in one hand and waving the other with oratorical gestures, the young Senator began to speak, but he had not been going more than three minutes when the alarm, which had been previously set for the occasion, went off, and as it rang loud and long everybody shouted and laughed and Beveridge had to wait for another occasion before he was able to make a speech to the Gridiron Club. At that dinner Prince David Kawananakoa of Hawaii, dis- tinguished mainly on account of his name, was a guest, and also Major-General Leonard Wood, commanding in Cuba. From the House of Representatives were two members, rivals as to which was the homeliest man in Congress, Frank M. Eddy of Minnesota and Francis W. Cushman of Washington. In the "beauty contest" between these two, Cushman won. He had recently succeeded James Hamilton Lewis, and Gen. Boynton, in introducing him, said that Washington seemed determined to keep a freak in Congress and we would hear from the last to arrive. And what a surprise was Cushman! Long, lean, lank, angular, with solemn visage, and, seemingly, without any appre- ciation of his great gift of humor, he poured out story, epigram and witty comments on passing events and men around the table until everybody was choking with laughter. Old Frank Cushman! Many times afterward he enlivened Gridiron din- ners. It all seemed spontaneous, as if he had just thought of it. And yet he never made a Gridiron speech that I had not heard him rehearse previous to its delivery at a dinner. ^ f I)c f tiening $hf. i^ JL^^p^^! ^IM-i.- The Philippine Treaty Extras ^of- Transferab/e. Va5HIN6T0N,DX. (o^PKiL 28, I^O(L^|t:^. President of Conyerrf/on. Gridiron Convention Ticket CHAPTER XII THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 Imperialism a Live Subject — William J. Bryan Attends A Dinner for the First Time — Civilizing Ben Till- man — Guests of the Lotus Club and a Glimpse of Gov. Roosevelt — Holding a National Convention — Benjamin Harrison and Joe Jefferson Guests — Election Aftermath — Reorganizing the Democratic Party. IMPERIALISM was a live subject in the United States in 1900 and it figured at the first dinner the Gridiron Club gave that year as well as in the national election. The initiation of Robert Lincoln O'Brien of the Boston Tran- script, and L. White Busbey of the Chicago Inter-Ocean, was made the groundwork of a burlesque upon the manner in which the LTnited States government was likely to treat its new depen- dencies. The President of the Club, Henry L. West, of the Washington Post, was crowned as the emperor, an imperial robe thrown over his shoulders, and a jeweled scepter placed in his hands. Then various governors of islands, the Sultan of Sulu, and others were brought in and the , two new members of the Club came in as reporters. So well did they recount what was taking place in the distant islands, it was decided to annex them to the Gridiron Club. In the midst of things Uncle Sam sud- denly appeared, stripped the emperor of his tinsel trappings, and drove the Sultan, satraps, governors, and other imperialist appendages from the room while the band played Yankee Doodle. William J. Bryan did not become a guest of the Gridiron Club until the winter of 1900, just previous to his second nomi- nation and then he was greeted with this song, which was called an authorized interview with a Presidential candidate: 95 96 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Oh, where have you been, Billy Boy, Billy Boy? Oh, where have you been, Silver Billy? I have been after delegates, and I have got most all the States; Bet your life Silver Billy is a winner. This song was introduced as one of the features of an old- time minstrel show, when a dozen members of the Club entered the room and arranged themselves in a semi-circle in front of the President. They all wore white hats bound with silver, except one, which was conspicuously gold. As they took their seats, President West asked who they were. "We're the 16-to-l minstrels," was the response of Henry Hall, who was the center of the group and wore the gold hat. "But," said the President, "there is no 16-to-l there." "There is no 16-to-l anywhere," came the response from Hall, which was enjoyed by everybody including Mr. Bryan. Mr. Bryan came right back at the Gridiron Club when he was called upon to speak, something that he always has been able to do whenever he has been a guest at the dinners. Gen- erally there was a number of railroad men as guests: Presidents of roads. General Passenger Agents, and others. At this dinner there was more than the ordinary number of railroad men and Mr. Bryan, who had been fought tooth and nail by the rail- roads in the campaign of 1896, remarked that it might be simply a coincidence, but that he saw more railroad Presidents and General Passenger Agents sitting at the Gridiron board than he had seen in all the time since the campaign of 1896. He added that he supposed it "just happened" that these railroad men were guests of the Gridiron Club composed wholly of newspaper men. Almost historic was the annexation of Ben Tillman to the Gridiron Club. After having been presented with a black flag and declaring that he was "partially civilized" the Club voted to annex him and he was allowed to speak. I wonder how many people recollect the striking figure which Tillman made as he stood there in all the strength and vigor of those days waving that black flag back and forth and saying that it would THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 97 *'wave over my grave before it would find me in the same camp with Arthur Pue Gorman." In later years when Tillman became one of the conservative Senators on the Democratic side, this remark could hardly have been made, for I fancy that he and Gorman would not have been very far apart. Farther along in what we called the " Civilization of Tillman," a member of the Club made reference to Tillman's pitchfork record, and said that Tillman had abandoned dispensary whisky for champagne; hog meat for terrapin; and the old frock coat for the claw-hammer. In response to these sallies. Senator Tillman retorted that he had worn a claw-hammer, or swallow- tail as they had called it in the South, at least four or five times and he believed that he would grow to like it. He also said that he would not retaliate upon the Gridiron boys by telling what he knew of their experiences in South Carolina, the real dispensary State. This was an allusion to a trip that the Gridiron Club had made to Charleston. The Club spent a part of the holidays as the guests of the citizens of Charleston, due largely to the efforts of Major J. C. Hemphill, then editor of the News and Courier. On that occasion the Club took "spellbinders" along, as the members termed Senators Tillman and Depew and Champ Clark. Senator Gorman, who was not in the Senate at the time, was inclined to philosophize, but not in a very satiric vein. Replying to Tillman's remark he said there were occasions when men had to change their locations and he rather suspected that such would be the case if Tillman came into his camp. He also remarked that he understood that Depew and Wolcott, then known as the best orators in the Senate, had been prac- ticising oratory on the White Lot so as to catch up with Senator Beveridge. There was a resumption of talk about the "open door" which was also one of our pet foreign policies in those days. Minister Wu Tingfang during the course of his remarks said that he was going to make a request of Mr. Bryan, which was 98 GRIDIRON NIGHTS that when the Nebraska gentleman became President he would open the door to the Chinese. Dr. Wu always wielded a double- edged sword. It was at this *'sixteen-to-one" dinner that Mr. Bryan and Mr. Hanna met for the first time. Just at the close of the dinner Mr. Bryan, who occupied a seat next to President West, remarked to the latter that he had never met Mr. Hanna. Mr. West, inwardly regretting that the statement had not been made to him earlier in the evening, so that the formal intro- duction of the two men could have been made a feature of the dinner, called to Senator Hanna with the request that the latter wait for him at the exit from the banquet hall. Escorting Mr. Bryan, Mr. West led him to Mr. Hanna and introduced them with mock formality. The remarks which were interchanged were as commonplace as when Stanley met Livingstone in the wilds of Africa. "I have frequently heard of you, Mr. Bryan," said Mr. Hanna. "And your name is not altogether unfamiliar to me," was Mr. Bryan's laughing reply. Then the two began talking about the campaign in which they had been prominent figures and finally parted company as if they had been warm friends for years. The Lotus Club of New York entertained the Gridiron Club in March, and it was one grand occasion. While some of the features of the previous dinner were repeated, several others were modified, and many new stunts were introduced for the entertainment of the Lotus Club members. Some of the latter insisted that we were not newspaper men, but had palmed off a lot of "ringers" on them. As a matter of fact, the only "ringers" that we took over were a quartette of negroes w^ho yapped at the Lotus eaters those once familiar lines: "We left our happy homes for you." These negroes gave us a lot of trouble, too. They did not show up at the train when we left for home the next day, but went back to the Lotus Club, and the funny men of that organization wired us while we were en route asking what we wanted to do with four coons which we had evidently abandoned to the vicissitudes of a great city. THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 99 It has always been said that Senator Depew franked them home, but the truth is we used Depew's unHmited telegraph frank, and J. H. Maddy of the B. & O. road gave instructions which insured their return to Washington. Some time late in the evening at the Lotus Club dinner the Governor and Lieutenant-Governor of New York came in. It was not long before Theodore Roosevelt was shaking hands with all the Gridiron men, and a little later in making his speech he said: "Up at Albany recently a man appeared before one of the committees of the legislature and after pleading for some time he closed by saying, 'And now, gentlemen of the com- mittee, whatever you do, don't make a lobster of me.' I would make that appeal to you if I did not know you so well that I know you would disregard it." None of us suspected that the then Governor of New York would be the vice-presidential candidate in less than four months. Senator Depew, as a member of the Lotus Club, severely roasted the Gridiron Club; then declaring himself a Gridiron man because he went over on the train with us and was going back with us, he turned in and roasted the Lotus Club. Sena- tor Platt read a poem that he had written many, many years ago. It was an amusing production and nobody had suspected Thomas C. Platt of having any such gift of humor, or any incHnation to contribute his mite to an entertainment of the kind that was given by the Lotus Club that night. The approaching national conventions in 1900, when it was a foregone conclusion that President McKinley w.ould be re- nominated, and that William J. Bryan would receive a unani- mous nomination at the Democratic convention, afforded an opportunity for the Gridiron Club to hold a national convention of its own. This dinner was held in April, just about the time the delegates were being elected in various States. As usual, there was a large representation of prominent men, and the "convention" was conducted in most informal manner. There were the usual signs hung about the banquet room, transformed for the occasion into a convention hall, among them the famiUar 100 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "No Smoking" that is so conspicuous in every national convention. Other signs were, "The Gallery is Free; Walk Up"; "Admiral Dewey's Headquarters, Floor 1313"; "Hanna- QuAY and Reform"; "Vote for Evans and Get a Pension" (H. Clay Evans was at that time Commissioner of Pensions); "Vote for Joe Cannon, the Smooth Bore." That was a convention, all right, and conducted in a way to remind those who had ever been at one of the national gatherings of the incidents they had seen. Even the waiters at the hotel came in with a banner announcing that they were "Lily Whites," for there never was a Republican convention without a struggle between the *'Lily Whites" and "Black and Tans." A shot was fired for the benefit of Senator Mark Hanna, chairman of the Republican National Committee, who it was known would control the coming convention at Philadelphia: "What kind of a convention is this.^^" "A convention on the Philadelphia plan; the delegates have nothing to do but furnish the enthusiasm." At one stage of the proceedings, a Gridiron marching club entered bearing a large McKinley banner and carrying the colored umbrellas and other familiar paraphernalia of the duly qualified marching club at conventions. They shouted lustily for McKinley and then marched out of the hall. They imme- diately returned with a Bryan banner and shouted just as loudly for Bryan. For some reason unknown to the Gridiron Club, Admiral Dewey has never attended a dinner. After his triumph in Manila Bay in 1898 the Club would have liked to join the rest of the world in honoring the hero of the Spanish war, but he would not consent. The Admiral had been presented with a number of testimonials, including a house, and for a brief time in 1900 was a presidential candidate. That was good enough ma- terial for the Gridiron Club to use as a skit at its "convention." Dewey's possible presidential chances were utilized in the initiation of a new member, Henry G. Kemp, of the Baltimore THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 101 Sun. A ladder was stationed in a conspicuous place in the dining-room and Kemp, dressed in an admiral's uniform, was escorted up a few steps of the ladder and then handed a docu- ment or other "testimonial." As he advanced a step something else was handed him, and when he reached the top and sat down the final presentation was a picture of a house. He was told to look directly in front of him and he would see the President of the Club and that he might well aspire to that position. At that moment a spring was touched and the steps turned and precipitated Kemp in a tobaggan slide to the floor. As he gathered himself up and was escorted out, the singers of the Club boomed forth "There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea." It has been said that Admiral Dewey rather resented the taking of such liberties with his name, but the probabilities are that the Gridiron Club would have played the same game if he had been present. In the course of the evening, nearly every one of the promi- nent men present was alluded to in one way or another as presidential candidates and their qualities discussed in a free and easy manner. Quite the most interesting feature of the occasion was the calling of the roll of States for the nomination of candidates. Secretary Fearn included in that list Cuba, Guam, Hawaii, Luzon and all other new possessions. After a number of States had been called, a member of the Club announced that Dela- ware yielded its place to New York, and immediately Senator Depew arose and made a very vigorous nominating speech, placing himself before the "convention" as one who should re- ceive the votes of every delegate, saying that he was absolutely sure of election if nominated in the Gridiron Club. The roll of States was continued, and when Montana was reached Senator Thomas H. Carter arose and pitched into Depew with great vigor, denouncing the attempt to nominate a "Wall Street man" and insisting that it was time that the "wild and woolly west" should be recognized. Speaking for the intermountain 102 GRIDIRON NIGHTS region, and of the man best fitted for the head of the ticket, Senator Carter closed by saying, *'I place in nomination the Senator from Montana." Both of these speeches caused a great deal of merriment, and they showed how public men are willing to play the Grid- iron game and help pull off a clever stunt. The menu cards were the regular convention ticket slips and were distributed by two *' Southern delegates," but not until there had been the usual row over the sale of tickets by these delegates, which is known to be an interesting feature of national conventions when the "colored brother" disposes of his tickets to the best advantage. About the time that the dinner concluded, it was announced that no nomination had been made, and a motion was imme- diately carried to refer the selection of a ticket to a committee consisting of Senator Hanna, chairman of the Republican National Committee; Senator Jones, chairman of the Demo- cratic National Committee; Senator Thomas C. Platt; and Senator Arthur P. Gorman; with instructions to report at the next Gridiron dinner. When the next Gridiron dinner occurred the nation had been through a campaign in which imperialism had been the para- mount issue, and which afforded the Club an opportunity to introduce a number of skits suggested by the election. The first of the political stunts was the creation of a museum in which were deposited the useless rubbish of the campaign. This was started by Henry Hall who read an item from a newspaper relating that Mr. Bryan, after the election, had given his old slouch hat to one man, his old alpaca coat to another, and various articles to others. The newspaper correspondents who had accompanied Mr. Bryan for two campaigns were the recipients of these favors. Mr. Hall thought these articles should be placed in the Gridiron museum. This called for a report as to what the Gridiron museum contained, and Secre- tary Fearn reported from the catalogue: THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 103 One Arkansas Owl, named Jimmie Jones. One South Dakota Coyote, slightly crippled in the left hind leg, named Mark Hanna, presented by Senator Pettigrew. One stuffed elephant, marched to death in a sound money parade. One 16-to-l jackass, species almost extinct, name of contributor withheld by request. Fossilized jokes of John M. Allen of Tupelo, Miss. Photograph of Thomas B. Reed. One Texas alligator with a copy of the constitution in its stomach bearing the name of Senator Bailey. "It is evident," said President West, "that the campaign wardrobe of Mr. Bryan will not be out of place in that collection." "Why should we limit these contributions to the relics hal- lowed by the memory of William J. Bryan?" asked Frank HosFORD. "We should include the rough-rider hat which traveled 17,000 miles in the late campaign." "The rules of the Gridiron museum," replied Louis Coo- LiDGE, "provide only for such articles as can never be of the least practical service again. The suggestion of the rough-rider hat is out of order." This point was sustained and then different members came forward and dropped into a hamper various articles, with ex- planations. "This," said Hall, "is the hat through which Mr. Bryan talked for 64 days." "I offer the shoe," said Louis Garthe, "with which Mr. Bryan kicked the Octopus." "These are Mr. Bryan's favorite socks," said Bob Larner. "I contribute the platform," said White Busbey, "written by Charles Emory Smith, and which was never used." "Here," said George W. Rouzer, "is a pair of trousers worn by Mr. Bryan when he straddled the 16-to-l issue." "The collection will not be complete," said Gen. Boynton, "without the crown of thorns and cross of gold." "This closes an epoch in American history," declared Presi- dent West; and the dinner proceeded. The reorganization of the Democratic party was one of the 104 GRIDIRON NIGHTS interesting stunts. Such eminent Democrats and near-Demo- crats as Chairman Jones of the National Committee, Senators Gorman of Maryland, Hill of New York, Wellington of Maryland, Pettigrew of South Dakota, Tillman of South Carolina, Stone of Missouri, Don Dickinson of Michigan, Carl ScHURZ and John R. McLean were impersonated. After considerable discussion, Richard Croker appeared and Jones told Hill to get up and give Croker his seat, and Hill left. Jones politely asked Croker for his opinion, and the Tammany boss replied: "We don't want any more jay candidates for the presidency; nor any more hayseed platforms; nor any more lobsters like you and Stone to run the campaign. You can't harness the Tam- many tiger to a wild ass of the prairies." (Jones and Stone retired.) "We don't want any cheap skate politicians who left the Republican party because of cold feet." (Pettigrew and Wellington retired.) "We've no use for civil service reformers" (disposing of Schurz). "Nor Democrats who voted for Mc- KiNLEY." (Dickinson retired.) "Nor bosses that don't boss." (Gorman and McLean retired.) "And we've had enough of the solid South, for it makes a solid North three to one." (Tillman went out.) "The Democratic party seems pretty well organized," remarked President West. "I'm all there is of it," was Croker's reply, stalking out to the tune of Tlie Bowery. The "full dinner-pail" was a Re- publican slogan during the campaign and a miniature workingman's dinner- pail was used as a souvenir. It con- tained the menu of the dinner. Benjamin Harrison, former President of the United States, was the most prominent guest at the dinner in December, 1900. THE CAMPAIGN YEAR OF 1900 105 He made a notable speech, recalling his experiences with the Club as a Senator and also as President. Altogether compli- mentary in his remarks, with a vein of humor touching upon the weak points of Washington journalism, the ex-President was a very much appreciated speaker. Another guest and speaker, who recounted theatrical experi- ences to an intensely interested audience was Joseph Jefferson, whose Rip Van Winkle, and, in a lesser degree. Bob Acres are an immortal memory to two generations. Joe Jefferson was one of the intimate friends of Grover Cleveland and his rela- tions with the ex-President were pleasingly mentioned in con- nection with the presence of the other ex-President, Mr. Har- rison. It was the last dinner of the 19th Century. The Gridiron Club opened the 20th Century in a manner befitting a new cycle and introduced a number of novelties in depicting public events of the times. CHAPTER XIII BEGINNING OF THE NEW CENTURY An Elaborate XXth Century Primer — Hazing Army Officers — Inaugurating a President — Scene in the Press Gallery — Bryan Becomes an Editor — Roose- velt AS Alice in Wonderland — A Strenuous Cabinet Meeting. THE Gridiron Club started the new century with a Twentieth Century Primer, and it was a stunning production. It was the menu souvenir and many of the current events were touched upon in the Httle volume. It was based on one of the old-style publications, and was the work of Francis E. Leupp, Richard Lee Fearn, H. Conquest Clarke, M. G. Seckendorff, and J. Harry Cunningham. Each page was occupied by an old-fashioned cut and a verse beginning with a large capital letter in red ink, of which an English journalist, who was a guest at the dinner, said: "The poetry of the author may not be classic, but his diction is less involved than that of Browning and his original purpose is to get to the point as fast as four lines will permit him." This pointed comment was enjoyed by the authors, for it epitomized their intentions when the lines were written. But they had the further gratification of seeing their work appreciated in copious extracts which were published in many papers all over the country. So many topics of the time were pictured and disposed of in four lines that the newspapers considered portions worthy of reproduction. Besides, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and the committee had the satisfaction of seeing their ideas used as well as the style copied by different organizations seeking some- thing unique and interesting in the way of souvenirs. So the Gridiron Primer may be considered a standard if not a classic. The title-page covered nearly everything that could be said about its contents and is herewith reproduced: 106 THE NEW CENTURY 107 XXTH CENTURY GRIDIRON PRIMER, WHEREIN Are laid down, in Easy Characters, adapted to the most senile Understanding, the PRINCIPLES OF PATRIOTIC POLITICS Specially arranged for Bosses (easy and otherwise). Henchmen, Heelers, Trimmers, Floppers, Grafters, Watchers, Workers, Mixers, Handlers, Satellites and Satraps. COPIOUSLY EMBELLISHED Elegant and Stimulating Cuts, designed to amuse and instruct, no less than elevate and adorn, the Minds of Public Men ; rendering easy the Problem of separating Vice from Virtue, or discovering the differential Value of Push and Pull; TO WHICH IS ADDED AN ELEMENTARY TABLE OF GASTRONOMY FOR ADVANCED BEGINNERS, Compiled with conscientious Care and constructed upon a Novel and Improved Recipe by a Gentleman living upon the Business, From which Table both Wise and Foolish may choose with Discretion or Defy The Dictates of PoUteness and Prudence; the Whole followed by a SOCIAL AND POLITICAL CATECHISM in which are set forth the Rudiments of Good Manners as well as Good Politics, enabling the Dihgent Student thereof to become by the End of the XXth Century {but no sooner) THE PERFECT FLOWER OF MAN. Issued for the improvement of the Pupils of the GRIDIRON ACADEMY And entered according to an Act of the G. C. in the office of the Librarian A. D. 1901. 108 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Each letter of the alphabet had a verse and an illustration. One of the illustrations was appropriate to the conditions which the anti-imperalists claimed existed in the Philippine Islands when the policy of "benevolent assimilation," — the words of President McKinley, — was supposed to be in operation. Under this picture were the lines: A stands for Army, The Organization We use for benevolent Assimilation. Mr. Bryan was still considered the leader of his party ac- cording to the following: T> is for Bryan, •^ Democracy's Boss, Worshiped with Incense Like Chinaman's Joss. THE NEW CENTURY 109 Uncle Sam was pictured with the Island of Cuba in his arms and the verse under it stated: f~^ is for Cuba, An Isle of the Sea Which we're holding a mighty Long While as Trustee. There are many persons who will appreciate this prophetic allusion to the new colonial policy which had been adopted: T^ is for Expansion, "^ Experience, too. Which we'll have in Abundance Before we get Through. 110 GRIDIRON NIGHTS It was about that time that a great outcry was made against hazing which had taken place at the West Point Military Acad- emy, and under the picture of a large-sized first-classman knock- ing out a small plebe were the lines: TJT is Hazing, by which Educational Aid Men and Gentlemen quickly At West Point are made. Another page related to the Isthmian Canal and the verse stated : T is the Isthmus, We'll soon cut in two. For the Interoceanic Canal to go through. THE NEW CENTURY 111 A page for the letter R bore a picture showing a rough- rider hat, a great deal of teeth, and cavalry boots, and a verse stating : "D is Roosevelt first. And the rest way behind. In His Wisdom the Lord Made but one of this kind. Here is the verse on subsidy. The picture looks suspiciously like Senator Hanna, who was at that time pushing the subsidy bill with great earnestness: -» . > . t . 1. tU.S.TREASUF PI R^jjjjwffll 1 «.. w -L X X z T \J ^^K--rfflHS -. '-'L 1 C" stands for Subsidy, — '^ Otherwise Pelf; Meaning One for My Country And Two for Myself. 112 GRIDIRON NIGHTS For the letter U there was a picture of Uncle Sam on a bicycle coasting downhill, bidding good-by to 1900, and the verse was : T T may start Uncle Sam ^^ On a Century Run. But the Lord only knows. Where he'll be when it's done. The primer contained a political and social catechism which was decidedly interesting. Here are some of the questions and answers : Q. What is political government? A. Standing in with the bosses and shaking the plum-trees. Q. What is the government of the United States? A. It is called Republican. Q. In whom is the sovereign power invested? A. Mark Hanna. Q. What constitutes the United States? A. Thirteen originally rebellious States; thirty-two other States, chiefly acquired without the consent of the governed; the Territories of Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Alaska, Guam, Hawaii, Porto Rico, Luzon, Mindanao, Palawan, Samar, Panay, Negros, Bohol, Leyte, Masbate, Marinduque, Basilan, Polillo, Catanduames, the Empire of Sulu, Tutuilla, the District of Columbia, and several others. Q. Into how many branches is the general government divided? A. Three: the Legislative, the Executive, and the Judicial. Q. What is the Legislative power? A. To pass the River and Harbor Bill and partake of the "liver and lights." Q. What is the Executive power? A. To appoint friends to public offices and make enemies. Q. What is the Judicial power? A. The right to change its mind. THE NEW CENTURY 113 Q. By whom are the President and Vice-President appointed? A. By boss-ridden national conventions. Q. What is the distinction between national and state governments? A. None when the old flag and an appropriation are involved. A real inauguration of a President of the Club, the first of the kind, was introduced at the annual dinner in January, 1901, and was based to a great extent upon the coming inauguration of President McKinley for the second time. Louis Garthe of the Baltimore American was chairman of the Inauguration Committee, and after the dinner had been in progress a short time he interrupted the proceedings by complaining that the President had not been properly inaugurated, and in order to validate proceedings the inauguration should take place. I was President that year and, gracefully yielding to the demand of Mr. Garthe, I called my predecessor, Henry L. West, to the chair and went through with the inauguration ceremony. The inauguration carriage was a little express-wagon drawn by four small negroes, labeled Philippines, Porto Rico, Hawaii, and Guam. Marching beside the President of the Club was a member made up to look like Mark Hanna with a long whip in his hand, while immediately following were a few members of the Club in Army and Navy uniforms. The Vice-President, Robert J. Wynne, dressed in a hunter's costume and made up to look like Col. Roosevelt, then Vice-President-elect, followed the inauguration ''carriage" and immediately behind 114 GRIDIRON NIGHTS him was another member carrying a mountain lion. Col. Roosevelt was at that time in Colorado shooting mountain lions. There was some contention as to whether the Vice- President should share the honors of the President, but the acting Roosevelt declared that he was going to have all that was coming to him and insisted upon having a place in the procession and the proceedings. Hazing at West Point was an interesting topic at that time. Legislation of a very drastic nature had been proposed and it seemed fitting in the opinion of the Gridiron Club that a haz- ing stunt should be staged. Outside the dining-room a chorus of male voices was heard singing Benny Havens 0, a song of such ancient days that few can now tell who Benny Havens was, or why he should be celebrated in West Point song. Still sing- ing, a number of members of the Club entered the dining-room. They were dressed as cadets and had various articles, such as boxing-gloves, bottles of liquid, one of them labeled "tabasco sauce," and other things supposed to be used for hazing purposes. The cadets rushed to the several army officers who were guests, and grabbing them, shouted: "Come on, you plebes; show us what you can do!" The officers who were thus brought to the center of the room were Gen. H. C. Corbin, Gen. John M. Wilson, Col. Lansing H. Beach, Col. John M. Carson, Jr., and Col. Richard L. HoxiE. They were put through a course of "bracing," made to do the "spread eagle," and dosed with various draughts, all of which it was alleged took place at the military academy. Each was told of some fault or delinquency and warned not to repeat the offense. It may be remarked in passing that the actual hazing was never quite so bad as stated, but the publicity given to the sub- ject caused the enactment of a law which has reduced hazing to a minimum at both the West Point and Annapolis academies. Another skit represented the lobby of the Senate Press Gal- lery when the Senate was in executive session. As two bells THE NEW CENTURY 115 were heard, the signal for an executive session, members of the Club came out of a supposed Press Gallery. There followed a running fire of comment upon statesmen in the free and easy- manner that prevails in this room and many prominent Sena- tors and members of the House and other public men who were guests at the dinner heard what the newspaper men had to say about them when these writers were supposed to be in executive session themselves. During this skit one of the members was called upon to sing a song, and, to the tune of Bahy Mine, the following was given as the most recent effusion of Uncle Joe Cannon: From the Land of Suckers many, Illinois, Illinois; But of Statesmen few, if any, Illinois, Illinois; For two years there'll be a pause, Then we'll have young Charlie Dawes; And won't that be a corker Upon us poor old boys. The song was an allusion to a recent Senatorial contest in Illinois. Uncle Joe had often been a candidate for the Senate and had been beaten by first one man and then another. Billy Mason was elected one time and Shelby M. Cullon could never be defeated, while on this particular occasion Albert J. Hopkins had beaten Uncle Joe in the Senatorial race. It happened at that dinner that there was a large number of newspaper men present who were not members of the Club. At one stage of the proceedings the roll was called and every newspaper man was requested to stand up. There was a dis- pute as to whether Melville E. Stone, the general manager of the Associated Press was a newspaper man. Walter B. Stevens of the St. Louis Globe-Democrat, made the point that **Mr. Stone was not a newspaper man but a manufacturer.'* I was in the chair and at that time connected with the Asso- ciated Press, and remarked that while I would like to rule in accordance with the general opinion of those present I would hold that Mr. Stone was in reality a newspaper man. The 116 GRIDIRON NIGHTS roll-call continued until all of the newspaper men were on their feet, when Mr. Stevexs expressed the hope that no discrimina- tion was intended and said that the Secretary had omitted to call the name of a distinguished journalist, an editor. ''Who's missing?" I asked. "The Commoner,** said Stevens. At that moment Major Alfred J. Stofer. made up to look almost exactly like William J. Bryax, entered and took his seat at a table in front of the President of the Club. He was followed by a number of mem- bers of the Club with banners bearing the words: ''Nomina- tion 1904," "Nomination 1908.*' "Nomination 191'2." Stofer arose and looked at the banners and waved them aside, saying: "Your candidate I cannot be. I would rather write than be President." Frank H. Hosford came in, made up as Grover Cleveland, and seized all of the banners, saying: "I will accept this nomination, and the next nomination, and the next one. Fellow-Democrats, follow me.'* And then the crowd marched out singing the familiar verse which had been a feature of the convention in Chicago in 189^: Grover, Grover, Four more years of Grover; Out they go: in we go; Then we'll be in clover. The speeches were unusually good that evening. William E. Chandler had just been retired as Senator from New Hamp- shire and John M. Allen, the wit of Tupelo. Mississippi, was closing his career as a member of the House of Representatives. Both of them expressed the idea that they were really glad to retire from public life and had no regrets, and were perfectly willing and content to enter upon a free and easy existence, although Allen did remark that the salary of a Congressman, in spite of the fact that many said they could not Hve on it, was "powerful regular." Senator Thomas H. Carter, of Montana, who also had been retired, took an entirelv different tack and made one of the most THE NEW CENTURY 117 amusing speeches that had been heard in many years. He took the ground that he was really sorry to retire and that the coun- try would suffer a great deal on account of his enforced entrance into private life. He expressed the hope that the Gridiron Club would not forget him, and said that in the years to come when the members of the Club, sitting in their seats in the Press Gallery, saw^ a thin figure passing through the Senate they would say: '"Why, if there isn't old Bill Chandler!' and, per- chance," he went on, referring to himself, "in years to come when the man who is soon to wear the prefix ex before his name, passes along at the rear of the seats of the Senate some member of the Gridiron Club in the gallery will remark: 'Why, if there isn't Old Whiskers! Wasn't he a Senator along about the time of the Spanish war?'" To cap the climax Senator Carter told a story which he had already given in the cloak-rooms of some- thing that happened after the campaign of 1890, when such men as William McKinley, Uncle Joe Cannon, and himself, as well as many others of the Republican party, had been de- feated in the great landslide of that year. The three men, McKinley, Cannon and Carter, met at the old Grand Pacific Hotel in Chicago after the election. The greetings over, Carter briefly explained his defeat and said that he did not want to be a candidate anyway, and was really glad to get out of Congress. McKinley followed with the statement that he had been placed in a gerrymandered district and yet with a larger Democratic vote than ever before he had come within 200 votes of being elected, and, "upon the whole he was really glad that it happened that way." "That is what I am saying to every one," said Uncle Joe Cannon, "but, boys, don't let's lie to one another." Douglas Story, the Enghsh journaHst to whom reference has been made, wrote a very interesting account of an English- man's view of a Gridiron dinner. He described the various stunts and marveled at the manner in which the members of the Club poked fun at prominent guests; he was really amazed that men of such high station would enter into the spirit of the 118 GRIDIRON NIGHTS occasion and take part in the skits which ridiculed them. "In quick succession," Mr. Story said, "Senators, Ambassadors, and Cabinet Officers were set a-broihng over the fire of Gridiron wit, but everything was done in good humor, and I did not once detect a breach of good taste." The December dinner in 1901 occurred after a very important change had taken place in the national adminis- tration. An assassin's bullet had cut down William McKiNLEY, and Theodore Roosevelt was President of the United States. Departing from the usual custom, at one stage of the dinner an allusion was made to the sad event, and Charles Emory Smith, Postmaster- General, paid a touching tribute to his former chief. The dinner, however, took up events as they were, without regard to the tragedy that had occurred. The menu souvenir was particularly fitting for that occasion. It was A New Alice in Wonderland, and pictured Mr. Roosevelt in different phases of his life. One pic- ture showed him as Civil Service Commissioner in a fight with the "jabberwock," which was the spoils system. Another illustration depicted him as Police Commissioner of New York City in the guise of the THE NEW CENTURY 119 Cheshire cat which had a way of appearing and disappearing, and was entitled "Catching the lazy cops at night." Another was the conquest of Kettle Hill which showed Mr. Roosevelt mounted on a white horse, and the following quotation underneath: "It was a glorious victory, wasn't it," said the white knight as he came up panting. "I don't know," Alice said doubtfully. The last picture referred to an incident then rife, as President Roosevelt had only a short time before in- vited Booker T. Washing- ton, the colored educator, to dinner at the White House. The picture needed no other elucidation than "The king of hearts dines with the ace of spades." The Booker Washington incident bobbed up very soon after the dinner began when a commotion at the door was explained by the manager of the hotel who said there was a man outside who stated he had been invited, but there was no place for him. "What's his name?" the President of the Club de- manded. "Booker T. Washing- ton," was the response. A protest was made by Mr. Francis A. Richardson against the admission of the person; Mr. Richardson being 120 GRIDIRON NIGHTS particularly Southern in his views on the subject of race equality. I cut the protest short with the announcement, "Admit him. He has been invited by the President." And then Major Stofer came in and sang one of his inimi- table coon songs which quite relieved the tense situation. It was expected that whoever appeared would be blacked up, but Stofer's face was snow-white, which made the skit more amusing. A "Cabinet meeting" under the new regime, enacted by members of the club, made a lot of fun. There were L. White BusBEY in a padded costume as Secretary of Football; Henry L. West in red coat and with a caddy bag as Secretary of Golf; Geo. W. Row^zer in an appropriate costume and carrying a rifle as the Mountain Lion General; L. A. Coolidge in a khaki uniform as the Rough Rider General; and Rudolph Kauff- MANN in a bathrobe and huge boxing-gloves as the Prize Fighter General. Maj. Carson, in a silk hat, frock-coat and whiskers, represented Secretary Wilson of the Agricultural Department, and was the only member of the "Cabinet" who was not in a costume touching upon some characteristic of the vigorous President. These were introduced by Reginald Schroeder who impersonated Captain Leofler, the veteran doorkeeper of the White House. It was a very strenuous "Cabinet meeting" and one which would have tickled Mr. Roosevelt had he been present, for he always appreciated the Gridiron incidents or skits that burlesqued something concerning himself or his ad- ministration. Different members discussed legislation which they desired. Busbey suggested that the White Lot in front of the White House be turned into a football field. West wanted every day in the year made a holiday for the golf players. He did not know at that time that tennis instead of golf was to be the presidential amusement, and that Mr. Roose- velt termed the favorite game of his two successors as "an old woman's game." Rouzer insisted that large appropriations should be made for increasing the number of mountain lions. THE NEW CENTURY 121 CoOLiDGE wanted a part of Rock Creek Park set apart for bronco busting. Kauffmann said that an addition should be made to the White House in order to have a large room for manly sports. Henry Hall as a photographer came in and asked to photo- graph the President and Cabinet, but this so offended the modesty of all of them that they drove him from the room, breaking up the meeting. Minister Wu, who had often been a guest at Gridiron din- ners, was about to depart for China. The Club presented him one of the large brass gridirons that are given to regular guests when they are going away for a long time. On Dr. Wu's grid- iron was the Chinese dragon, and Mr. Coolidge, in making the presentation speech, assured the Minister that out of deference to him and his country the Club had added a gold dragon to the Gridiron. In response Dr. W^u said that he was somewhat skeptical of Gridiron presents, having seen a number, but he accepted the emblem as a memento of many happy evenings, and intended to use it as the beginning of a Gridiron Club in China where he hoped to entertain the real Gridiron men when they visited the Far East. An event which was to take place in England, the coronation of King Edward VII, had started a discussion as to who should represent the United States on that occasion. Nomina- tions for the honor were invited by the President of the Club, and from time to time a member would arise and propose one of the prominent guests as the special ambassador. A pointed objection, usually involving a personal allusion or a reference to his public incapacity, always bowled over the nominee. As this occurred time after time it grew more and more amusing. And when the names of the men rejected by the Gridiron Club were reported to President Roosevelt it gave him a great deal of information as to whom he should not appoint. At the next dinner the actually appointed special ambassador was a guest and the Club instructed him in his duties. CHAPTER XIV ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY Attends First Dinner as President — The Miles Inci- dent — Yellow Yawp Illustrates a Phase of Jour- nalism — Instructions to the Special Ambassador — Hanna *'the Man Who" — Bears Seeking the Bear Hunter — The New House Rules — Seeing Washing- ton. THEODORE ROOSEVELT had been a guest of the Grid- iron Club when Civil Service Commissioner, and Assis- tant Secretary of the Navy, but it was in January, 1902, that he first attended as President of the United States. He sat at the right of President Robert J. Wynne, who a few years later was a member of his Cabinet. At that time he did not pursue the course which afterward became a custom with him, that of making Gridiron dinners an occasion for delivering a serious speech and perhaps outlining a new policy, as well as replying to the shafts of wit which had been sent his way during the dinner. The President was touched very lightly at the first dinner. About that time Lt. Gen. Nelson A. Miles, the hero of several wars and many battles, had received a dressing down in the White House which was Rooseveltian in every respect. Refer- ence was made to the interesting episode in a district school skit. Louis A. Coolidge conducted the "school" and at one stage made inquiries for Henry V. Boynton, who was absent. After a while General Boynton appeared, limping, his arm in a sling, patches on his face, a bandage over his head; in fact, he appeared badly injured. *'Why, General, where have you been.'^" asked Teacher Coolidge. "I have been to call on the President — " 122 ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 123 Whatever else may have been in the reply was never heard for there was a shriek and a roar at the head of the table show- ing that Mr. Roosevelt thoroughly enjoyed the allusion. The same could not be said of Gen. Miles who also was a guest. Here are other hits from the district school: Q. Subtract the Philippines from Spain and what is left? A. The United States is left. Q. What is the Panama canal? A. A hole in the bottom of the sea. Dunce — Dave Francis told my Pap he was trying to work Congress for another World's Fair Appropriation. Mr. Francis was President of the St. Louis Exposition and a guest at the dinner. He was trying to get an appropriation. The Gridiron Club frequently prints a book or publishes a paper as a dinner souvenir, in which topics of the times are treated in a free and open manner. The Yel- low Yawp, as a parody on yellow journalism, made its appearance at the January dinner of this year. It was all that its name implied, both in color and in the matter it contained, and also the illustra- tions. There was a weather map with Roosevelt's picture covering Washington and the region was marked "area of high pressure." The Club took occasion in the Yawp to rub the railroads. One illustration showed the Capitol being used as a railroad station with the rotunda as a round-house. As to the New York Central, the advertisement stated it was "shady all the way; the only direct route to Bob Lake, Owl's Head, Potsdam, Angola, Weehawken and East Aurora." Paraphrasing a Hne 124 GRIDIRON NIGHTS of the B. & O. advertising it stated that "all trains go through Washington and all conductors go through passengers." The tunnel under the Hudson had not then been built and the Pennsylvania Railroad was advertised as *'the great all water route between Jersey City and New York." Of another rail- road it w^as said that the trains ran on a hop-skip-and-jump. In glaring red headlines the words "AWFUL CRIME" proclaimed a Panama Canal accident^ though the small type modified it to an "Awful disaster which might have been a crime." The text also failed to bear out the headlines, and after a word picture of possibilities, the correspondent in a note to the editor said: "Nothing much to it; canal boat sunk in the canal and a couple of mules drowned; use Associated Press for facts if you want to spoil a good story." Under the heading "Poems of Passion" — in red ink — was one entitled, "The Man with the Hoe," which read: Oh, Maw, Where is Shaw? In the Cabinet Haw! Haw! Haw! Another with the title, "Die Wacht am Marconi," apropos of the then coming visit of Prince Henry of Germany to this country, read: ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 125 If I were but a Prince, And Henry were my name, I'd try the winter's cable And get here just the same. Still another entitled "Ace High" was: One rider rough made Cuba free, One sword shook off the Spaniard's thrall. But that don't mean free trade, for we Do not give bread with one fish ball. King Ed. COMES DOWN Off His Perch. PIERPONT MORGAN DID IT. Thus stated the Yawp in glaring headlines followed by a London dispatch signed by Ambassador Choate which told how PiERPONT Morgan had forced the King to yield by buying all the railroads in England and refusing to run any trains until seats for the coronation were granted all Americans. A Soft Job for Bev. He Astounds Empress Dowager and Kwang-Su, In red letters these headlines appeared over a Pekin dis- patch, signed by Minister Conger relating that the Empress Dowager and the Emperor Kwang-Su had determined at all costs to secure Senator Beveridge as confidential advisor. The dispatch quoted the Empress as saying, "If this man can know so much about China in two weeks' stay, of how much value will he be to us in a year!" ^ There was quite a serious controversy with Germany about that time over the admission of American meats to that country. A dispatch from Berlin, purporting to be from Ambassador White, touched on this subject, also noticing the prominence of Iowa statesmen in public oflSce. The headlines were: 126 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The Iowa: Ho^ The dispatch, among other things BRINGS GERMANY TO IT'S KNEES, said: "The lowa Hog is fast becom- AMERICAN PORK FREE. . _ . ' i r\ THE KAiSERli^ERViEWED. ^^g an International Quantity. Henderson's Hams are at the top of the market, Shaw's Shoulders and Wilson's Wursts are quoted at Cabinet prices, Allison's Lard sells well on Dolliver's Dough- nuts. Conger's Bacon in demand in Chinese markets." Shaw and Wilson were in the Cabinet, Allison and Dolli- ver in the Senate, Henderson Speaker of the House, and Conger Minister to China. Iowa was further remembered in the Yawp by a Cabinet composed wholly of men from that State. Showing absolute impartiality, the Yawp took a shot at one of the Gridiron members. William E. Curtis was then abroad writing a series of foreign letters for the Chicago Record- Herald. A dispatch from Rome signed by Ambassador Meyer had these headlines: The dispatch said that Mr. Curtis W. b. Curtis jjad granted a short interview to the Interviewed. Pope and King that day. "The Pope," HE WILL MENTION THE KING, j^ Continued, "tells me that I may inform the United States through the Yawp that Mr. Curtis is pleased with Italy. The King is delighted thereat and writes me confidentially that Mr. Curtis will mention him in his daily letter." Gen. James H. Wilson had been named as one of the special ambassadors to attend the coronation of King Edward VII. As a guest at the dinner the General received instructions and a costume. There was much discussion at the time as to the costume which the American envoy should wear. The instruc- tions were given by Frank Hosford. Gen. Wilson was directed to be careful not to mention that anything had ever happened in 1776, or on the sea in 1812, nor to mention any recent hap- penings in South Africa. He was then presented with a coro- nation costume consisting of a chapeau adorned with the British flag, a lurid red sash, and a still more inflammatory pair of ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 127 tights, large and conspicuous garters and shoe buckles. He was told that as a further token of amity he was to present to the King a large corkscrew, which was handed to him. Gen. Wilson carried all these home with him as souvenirs of the dinner. By what he called a new system of wireless telegraphy Francis E. Leupp produced a number of pictures of prominent guests and related incidents concerning them. The last of these was a pict- ure of Capt. Clark, who, as commander of the Oregon, had made a sensational trip around South America during the Spanish war. It was the trip of Capt. Clark with the Oregon that did more than any one thing to cause the construction of the interoceanic waterway. When President Roosevelt was introduced by President Robert J. Wynne, he made one of those stock speeches that public men hand to newspaper men, in which the "power of the press," "moulders of public opinion," "never betrayed my confidence," "reckon them among my best friends," and other phrases abounded. Mr. Roosevelt at that time was still feel- ing his way in the Presidency. A few months later Senator Mark Hanna of Ohio gave the Gridiron Club a dinner. He had rarely missed a dinner from the time he became the big figure in politics and he desired to return the compliment. Although the Club was a guest, the members did not refrain from having fun with their host. He was presented with a "barrel" in token of his campaign work, and also a "subsidized ship" in appreciation of his sup- port of the ship subsidy bill. Henry Hall made the presenta- tion speech and declared in the words of the convention orator 128 GRIDIRON NIGHTS that Senator Hanna was "the man who — " That from the time his name became known he had been, and until he was no more, he would be "the man who — " An incident of the dinner given by Senator Hanna shows the force of suggestion. Postmaster-General Payne was a guest and sitting beside him was Senator Platt of Connecticut. Payne told Platt about the diflficulty he had in finding a man for First Assistant Postmaster-General. ■"Why not take one of these men.''" asked the Senator. "Why not the man sitting beside Hanna?" A few weeks later Mr. Wynne, to whom Senator Platt referred, was appointed to the place by President Roosevelt. Aerial navigation figured prominently in the dinner given in April, 1902, the Gridiron Club forecasting what has since come to pass. Cartoons by J. Harry Cunningham showed several presidential aspirants with machines of different kinds. There w^as the "hand-made, double-pointed, peripatetic gas- bag Bryan," the " balloon- shaped derelict Cleveland," the "skyscraper Fairbanks," the "broken-down bubble Hill," the "genuine traveling machine Gorman," the "aero- plane Hanna," the "rapid-rattler Roosevelt." "Here, that is out of order!" declared President Wynne, a recent Presidential appointee. "The Roosevelt rattler is never out of order," declared a member. "President Wynne evidently means that it is out of order to mention the President in that way," suggested another member. "Great Scott," was the response, "has he been fixed by a federal office!" Administration of the water cure to William Alden Smith ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 129 because he refused to talk to newspaper men, was another feature of the dinner. The water cure as an incident of the administration of the Philippines was then a very live subject in many newspapers of the country. The souvenir was a reproduction of the Congressional Record as the Gridiron men read it, showing everything in the House controlled and operated by Speaker Henderson and the com- mittee on rules. The House was at that time considered the dominant body, even overshadowing the Senate. The Gridiron dinner of December, 1902, has gone down in history as the *'bear dinner." President Roosevelt was in Mississippi hunting bears. At the dinner two bears came hunting Roosevelt. It happened that one was a real bear performing at one of the vaudeville houses. The other was Rudolph Kauffmann of the Washington Evening Star encased in a bear-skin. Both bears looked the same size and when they came into the dining-room with the keeper between them it was hard to say whether both were real, both imitation, or which was which. Arriving in the center of the room both bears took seats at the table. Pint bottles of champagne were brought and both bears stood on their hind legs and inserting the neck of the bottle in their mouths began to drink, but the real bear beat the imitation at that game and soon emptied his bottle. "What are you doing here.^^" asked President Wynne. "The President seems to be having a hard time finding bears in Mississippi and we thought we would come here and look for him," replied Kauffmann. That raised a laugh, for the Presi- dent had not been able to find many bears; in fact, it was the most unsuccessful big game hunt of his career. There were several other quips exchanged and the bears retired. The real bear was given more champagne, of which he was very fond. Many guests went out to the ante-room to assure themselves that it was a real bear. Before the skit was produced the keeper of the show bear asked Kauffmann what kind of bear-skin he was going to use. "What difference does that make to you?" 130 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "It doesn't make a bit of difference to me," replied the keeper; "but it may make some difference to the bear. He doesn't like some kinds of bears." Rudolph accepted the hunch and not caring to have a "bear fight" decided to introduce the real bear to the bear-skin before encasing himself in it. The souvenir illustrated conditions in Congress, which were interesting at that time, as Joseph G. Cannon, after many Cannon in the Spbiaker's Chaib years, was about coming into his own. Popular advertising was used to picture the different candidates who had been con- sidered during the short contest. Uncle Joe was building a substantial fence; "He works while others sleep," the legend ran. Sereno E. Payne was designated as "One of the 57 varieties." John Dalzell had returned to his old-time pursuit of roasting Matt Quay; James S. Sherman was "Sunny Jim"; ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 131 while Theodore Burton, with a dark lantern looking into an empty safe, was labeled "Ask the Man." The House rules were He Works While Othees Sleep "revised" to meet the characteristics of the coming Speaker. One declared that "the Speaker shall have power: to alter any of these rules; to suspend the writ of habeas corpus; to declare 132 GRIDIRON NIGHTS martial law; to overrule the Supreme Court; to declare war; to raise the ante." A "Seeing Washington" stunt by means of drop pictures made by Cunningham and a lecture by Robert Lincoln 'Sunny Jim" O'Brien of the Boston Transcript, touched on the topics of the time. Only a few may be mentioned. In showing the goddess of liberty on the dome of the capitol the lecturer remarked that, ROOSEVELT FEELING HIS WAY 133 as Senator George F. Hoar says, "liberty comes high." The treasury was shown as being transformed, with green Winds and other things to make it look like a building in Dennison, Iowa, the home of Secretary Shaw. When the White House was shown there was the picture of a head obscuring part of it. "What is that big head in the f oreground .'^ " asked one of the tourists. "That is Senator Beveridge hurrying to tell the President what he ought to do," was the reply. Thomas B. Reed had been a guest at most of the dinners and was one of the Club's most valued friends, and, when it was rumored about the dining-room about twelve o'clock that Tom Reed had just died in the hotel, there was a cessation of festivities, and the dinner was abruptly terminated. CHAPTER XV BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS PiERPONT Morgan and Other Captains of Industry on THE Gridiron — Recalling the Great Coal Strike — A New Columbus — Prominent Guests in Picture and Verse — Spanish Minister Speaks — Uncle Joe in the Speaker's Chair — Trying Out a Flying Machine — Birth of the New Republic of Panama. B IG business was entertained by the Gridiron Club at the dinner of January, 1903. *'The Gridiron pohce," said President William Elroy Curtis, of the Chicago Record- Herald, at one stage of the proceedings, "have rounded up and brought here money kings, captains of industry, monopoHsts, corporation cormorants, and malefactors of great wealth. It is customary for the court, when persons are brought before it without means of employing counsel to assign some young and briefless attorney to conduct the defense. I will thereupon appoint Chauncey M. Depew as counsel for the defendants during these proceedings." Among the "defendants" to whom allusion was thus made were the late J. Pierpont Morgan, Robert Bacon, George F. Baker, Alexander J. Cassatt, Edward Ellsworth, Clement A. Griscom, Melville E. Ingalls, and Samuel Spencer. There were other notables present who saw the financiers grilled, and some of the foreigners were amazed. Among the latter were Sir Michael Herbert, the British Ambassador; Lord Charles Beresford; Count Cassini, the Russian Ambassador; Senor Ojeda, the Spanish Minister; as well as cabinet officers, senators, generals, admirals, and the usual array of distinguished men. A Wall street office depicted in Gridiron fashion bore the sign: P. J. Morgan & Co., Busters and Boosters. 134 BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS 135 Various representatives and attaches of Morgan came and departed; their conversation reflecting what was supposed to be taking place in the Morgan mind. It was just before the campaign of 1904, when there was much discussion of presi- dential politics and the following dialogue shows what was supposed to be the New York idea: *'The thing that worries the old man is what we had better do about a President." "President of what.^^ President of the board of aldermen?" "No, President of the United States." "Oh, I thought it was something important." "Well, it is important if the old man is anxious about it." The coal strike in the fall of 1902 and its settlement, in which Mr. Morgan had played an important part, was the sub- ject of a short skit. Into the room stalked what appeared to be a large lump of coal. This commodity had been very valuable and was then at a high figure. The lump was immediately surrounded by a delegation consisting of the music committee, who sang: PiERPONT Morgan played the organ, John Mitchell played the drum; The railroads played the same old game And the price was twelve per ton. Mr. Morgan besides having his picture and a verse in the souvenir was remembered with another song. James S. Henry, of the Philadelphia Press, to the tune of Mr. Dooley, contributed several verses which seemed to be thoroughly enjoyed by the financial king. One of the verses and chorus follow: Now Mr. Morgan turned a trick, 'twas hardly on the square; He cornered Roosevelt's favorite game, including "coons" and "bear," "The President may bust my trust, I'll have to bow to fate, But when it comes to hunting, he'll have to arbitrate — " Chorus : With Mr. Morgan, with Mr. Morgan; The greatest man the country ever knew, Quite diplomatic and democratic. Is Mr. Morgan — organ — organ — oo. 136 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The morning after, Mr. Morgan met Senator Mark Hanna in the lobby of the hotel and remarked: "Say, Hanna, I had the time of my life last night." He was a guest at several subsequent dinners and seemed to enjoy himself to the limit. The prominent part which Mr. Curtis had taken in the Columbian Exposition was used in inaugurating him President of the Club with a pretentious spectacular stunt of 1492, in- troducing the characters who made history at that period. A new Columbus made new discoveries, overlooked by the original, among them that "a trust was a bunch of money entirely sur- rounded by water," and that "arbitration was something that kept coal at $20 a ton." This was while Roosevelt's arbitra- tion board was working on the famous anthracite coal strike which had threatened dire calamities in the winter of 1902-3. Finally "Columbus" discovered Mr. Curtis and he was re- warded for all he had done for Pan-America, by being inaugu- rated as President of the Gridiron Club and decorated with the order of the Pan — • a stew-pan. SUN KOH TUE WEO THU FBI SAT I S 8 4 5 6 7 e O lO 11 12 13 14 IS 16 17 le 19 ZO 21 »:S eS Si4 35 26 27 QS ThO' KiMGS and Na50B3 ^AUAA^1, OVR KmS IS AS CLOSE AS A )^CLAM TwtY MAY OFFER THEIR CROWNS/ Their smiles or their frowns. But morgan, he does'nt care The menu was an picture of a prominent cal as seemed fitting. A burlesque on Southern politics, including "Black- and-Tan," "Lily-Whites," and "Red-Shirts," with a lynching, was introduced in initiating two Southern news- paper men as members of the Club. Joseph K. Ohl of the Atlanta Constitution and John P. Miller of the Balti- more Sun performed the star parts, illustrated calendar, each month having a guest with a verse complimentary or satiri- The above was for Mr. Morgan. BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS 137 President Cassatt of the Pennsylvania Railroad was shown holding on his knees the Union Station, from which trains were coming and going. His verse read: A.i>ctix>~iooa wn Tuc w« Twu m VkT -€«-€ t o a « A V m o lo 11 s i-A lo la IT IS ao ai aa sa a^ as ar as ao so WAS A SOOD MAN CALLED CA35ATT, EVER KNEW WHERE HE WA3 AT, P90MIJW A STATIOM TO BEAT All creatipn; And taen «e remarked"! Stani Pat* J U r* E— 1003. •UN MON TUC WEO THU FM Ut •^ 1 a 3 -4. o o V 8 o lO 11 ta 13 14 le la 17 18 lo so •1 ao as 194 as ae ar aa ao so "" Mark Hanna, with whip in hand, was lead- ing a white elephant upon which was seated President Roosevelt; with these significant words: The slickest mah in all "mi jwjw^ MARCUS A.HANNA stamds: HeSAYS no WOBD; ME HAS.fOU KMOVH An EJXPMAMT ON KO MAtlO 138 GRIDIRON NIGHTS provEMBER—iooa. •un Mon TUE WED tmu fri mt 1 8 3 4 O e 7 S O lO 1 1 la 13 14 IS le I'T 18 lo 20 ai 83 23 S4 HB SO 27 2*4 »o 30 m) ip DjD m) m) Here's to you, good SIR MICHAEL, A Briton sound amd true: Our greetings to King Edward, And welcome warm to you. Sir Michael Herbert, the British Ambassador, ap- pears as warmly welcomed by Uncle Sam, while the British Lion and the Ameri- can Eagle are fraternizing: Lord Charles Beres- FORD of the British Navy appeared in full uniform in the bow of a boat fly- ing the British flag, and this verse, though halting somewhat, meant well: OCXOB ER— 1003 mm MOH TUC WED THU fMI (AT •"^ -^ -^ I a a 4 s e r 9 o lo II 12 13 14 10 le 17 IS le 2o 21 ae 23 S4 s0 jsa 27 28 se 30 3 1 When a brave gallant sailor from out or THE East, 'With lord BERESFORO'S name and fame; i as our guest to a 6ri0ir0n feast, We give him our best and (rou^-AttJwow the res^ Our cou««n*^no aunts poTHisAfte. One of the interesting features of the dinner was the speech of Senor Ojeda, the Spanish Minister. Tactfully he alluded to the recent Spanish war, paying a tribute to the valor and magnanimity of the Americans while eulogizing the honor and chivalry of the BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS 139 Spaniards. It was such a speech as helps to unite nations after war has raged between them. It was particularly appropriate, as Mr. Curtis, the President of the Club, had written much about Spain and had been identified with the Spanish speaking Republics in America. He did not preside again, as he was abroad when the next dinner was given and Vice-President L. A. Coolidge occupied the seat of honor. The birth of the new Republic of Panama was the topic of historical interest at the December dinner of 1903. The first allusion to that event was made during the initiation of three new members. They were Samuel G. Blythe of the New York Worldy Edgar C. Snyder of the Omaha Bee, and Henry S. Brown of the New York Herald. While undergoing an exami- nation as to their qualifications the question was asked: "If you were looking for a tip as to when a revolution would break out in Colombia what would you do.'^" ^ "I would camp out on the White House steps," was the reply. The three new members, according to the skit, had gone into a newspaper office seeking jobs as Washington correspon- dents and they were asked many questions, which touched off newspaper work in Washington and current events of the time. The choice feature of this stunt, however, was the in- structions delivered to the new men by Henry Hall of the Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegraph, who, in the guise of the office boy, assumed the air of one who knows. "Do not imagine," said Hall, "that because you have been accredited as Washington correspondents you are at the pinnacle of your careers. You have much to learn. Your principal duty will be to write stories of the secret sessions of the Senate, secret cabinet meetings, and the innermost thoughts of the President. Of these secret meetings you will make bold statements of fact on what ought to have occurred. The Senators and cabinet oflScers will be so pleased to see them- selves credited with intelHgent and timely observations that they will never deny the reports. 140 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'When you get a dispatch from the managing editor telHng you to interview President Roosevelt and write a story, do not go to the White House; don't even call up Loeb. Sit down at your typewriter and, after outlining and elaborating the subject of the query, say: 'The President refused to be quoted, but it can be stated,' etc., etc., and follow with what the President ought to think on the subject. "Do not neglect 'the highest authority,' that cyclone cellar of all newspaper men and journalists. They always use the 'highest authority,' 'Special Commissioners' use the pronoun 'I' instead. You always can meet any situation by sitting in the oflBce and writing on any grave subject, national or inter- national, that, 'it can be stated on the highest authority,' etc., etc. I have been in Washington many years and I know men like John Carson, Jim Young, and Frank Richardson, who have been here since the Civil War, but I never have learned and none of them has been able to tell me who 'the highest authority' is, so you always can put anything on him that you want to print." Closing the lecture. Hall said: "Your salaries will be large, but not unwieldy," a remark that made a hit with the many salaried men present. The failure of Prof. Langley's aerodrome to fly on account of a trivial accident was used as the basis of a skit when a flying machine was brought in to be tested. Various men were suggested as possible aviators and rejected for one cause or another. One was Speaker Cannon with the statement that he might try a flight from the Capitol to the White House. As Uncle Joe stepped forward he was asked: "How long have you been in Congress.'^" "Thirty years," he replied. "How long have you been speaker .f'" "Four weeks." "Well, if it has taken you thirty years to become Speaker, you will not live long enough for this machine to carry you to the White House." BURLESQUING BIG BUSINESS 141 Finally it was decided that two rivals from Duluth, Minne- sota, former Senator Charles A. Towne and Congressman J. Adam Bede, should be allowed to make a trip together. But as soon as they took their seats the machine collapsed, due, said the man in charge, to too much "hot air" pressure. George B. McClellan had just been elected Mayor of New York, and he, with Charles F. Murphy, the Tammany Chief, were guests at the dinner. Soon after they were seated a member with a red light came in and after searching all over the dining-room finally hung the light over the seats occupied by McClellan and Murphy. And here is the song the music committee sang for the New York Mayor: Georgie goes from Congress to a brand new place; Georgie is the Mayor of New York; Georgie was the winner in a hot old race; Georgie has a barrel full of pork. Herndon Morsell sang a song to Speaker Cannon, one verse of which said: Though I am up in the Speaker's chair, I'm lonely; I like the boys so well, I love them only; They were always good to me, They helped me on to victory, I wish they could all rule with me Way up in the Speaker's chair. "Lonely! Great God!" said Uncle Joe, feehngly. He was at that time beset by members seeking committee places, by lobbyists with bills, by members seeking recognition, and by everybody else who wanted anything, because at that time the Speaker was the second man of power in the govern- ment. In a short, sharp, and pointed way the Gridiron Club showed how new Republics were created in South America. A number of members representing different characters appeared in the center of the room, followed by a large box on wheels with interrogation points on each side. Then a gong 142 GRIDIRON NIGHTS was sounded, the lid of the box flew open and Edgar C. Snyder with a huge Panama hat bounded up, like a jack-in-the-box. "I am the Republic of Panama," he announced. "Great Graft! this is sudden!" shouted the man representing the Democratic donkey. "I am the suddenest thing that ever happened," announced Panama. "Brother, do you need help.^" asked the member disguised as the Republican elephant. "All the kinds I can get," was the reply. "Dead easy to show goods," replied the elephant. "Navy!" he called and the "navy" appeared. "Army!" and likewise the "army" w^as on hand, one member representing the army and another the navy. "Panama, you are recognized," was the next announcement. The "treasury" brought forth $10,000,000, handed it over, the treaty was signed, and Panama was told, "that's all we want of you." Panama was soon to figure at another Gridiron dinner, at which President Roosevelt flung his defi in the faces of those who were supposed to be opposing the construction of the canal. CHAPTER XVI GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX Diplomats Shocked and Guests Disturbed by Mirza Ali AsGAR Kahn, Grand Vizier of Persia — "Hurrah FOR Hanna," and His Last Appearance — Jai Alai, THE Havana Gambling Game — President Roosevelt Startles Diners; "We Will Build the Canal" — National Conventions and Election of 1904 — Su- preme Court Minstrels — After Twenty Years. GUESTS of the Gridiron Club often have been startled as well as entertained. That happened in January, 1904, when several foreign diplomats became alarmed, guests were shocked and members of the Club, who were not in the secret, became very uneasy, fearing that a real contretemps had occurred. It was all on account of the attendance at the dinner of Mirza Ali Asgar Kahn, former Grand Vizier of Persia. Present also were President Roosevelt and members of his cabinet, the Ambassador from Germany and other diplomats, with the usual company of distinguished men in public and business life. The Grand Vizier had been making a trip around the world, returning eastward, via Vancouver, and across the continent, sailing to Europe from New York. It was announced in a number of papers that he would attend the dinner of the Grid- iron Club and contribute Oriental splendor to the occasion. He came in late, after the dinner had been in progress for a time, and was accompanied by Scott C. Bone of the Washing- ton Post, his personal host of the evening. Before taking his seat, directly in front of the President of the United States, he bowed low to that oflScial, and then made a sweeping salaam to the assembled company. Senator Beveridge was introduced 143 144 GRIDIRON NIGHTS and shook hands. William H. Taft, then Governor-General of the PhiHppines, who had crossed the Pacific Ocean on the same ship with the Grand Vizier, walked across the dining-room and shook hands, expressing his pleasure at seeing him again. Senators Aldrich, Gorman and Hanna, and Speaker Cannon sitting near by were introduced. After the dinner had progressed for a time President Louis A. CooLiDGE introduced the Oriental guest as one who had journeyed far and who came that night with views he had gathered in his travels. Mirza Ali Asgar Kahn, with more profound bows, said that his message to the Gridiron Club and its guests had been written as he was somewhat imperfect in our language, and then he began to read from large sheets of paper. His remarks, in view of what took place in 1914, might be termed prophetic. "The people of the United States," he began, "are watching every day to see whether there is to be a war in the Old World. In the East we watch also for that war. It is to observe prepa- rations for that war that I travel. "I was in Japan before I came to this country. In Persia we take great interest in Japan, because the next war will be the great struggle between the civilizations of the East and the West. We believe that the Eastern civilization will overcome the Western civilization. "This will mark the downfall of Russia, that treacherous power that has plotted against the peace of mankind from the days of Peter the Great, and has been the hypocrite, the false friend of every weaker power it has aimed to destroy." He was interrupted by a member of the Club who suggested that as the Russian Ambassador was often our guest no such discussion should be permitted. Mirza Ali looked puzzled and continued: "The barbarous rule of Germany will be brought to an end and a higher morality will supplant the vicious rule of the Vandals who have kept the intelligence of Europe under a reign of terror — " GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX 145 Again he was interrupted and attention called to the presence of the German Ambassador. The situation was explained to the Grand Vizier and he turned over two or three pages of his manuscript and continued: "And then Great Britain, the traditional enemy of the free American people — perfidious Albion, as she is called by one of your poets. She has been the trader of the world — buyer and seller of men — pretending to love liberty, but hypocritically sheltering slavery when it could be to her interest — " President Coolidge stopped him by sharp raps of the gavel. The faces of the diplomats were drawn into frowns of disap- proval. Guests and members were aghast, while President Roosevelt looked as if he thought it was the makings of a "bully row." "We are very much obliged," said Mr. Coolidge, "to his excellency, the Grand Vizier, but as some members of the British Embassy are with us — " "You will not let me speak," said the Vizier, angrily; "then I bid you good-night! You invite me here — you ask me to speak — I prepare my speech — you are as bad as the rest. You have no free press — you have no free speech! I go!" And as he was making sweeping gestures he tore away his fez, wig and beard and there stood Francis E. Leupp of the New York Evening Post. He had put over the greatest hoax ever perpetrated by the Gridiron Club. The real Mirza Ali AsGAR Kahn had sailed for Europe that very day. The "world's greatest ventriloquist" — so described by Samuel G. Blythe, and modestly acknowledged to be, indeed, himself — presented his "wonderful mechanical manikins, which when touched by the wizard wand of their master perform marvelous feats, talk with scintillating wit and repartee," etc. Drawing aside a curtain, he displayed several members of the Club labeled with the names of distinguished guests. Attorney General Knox, Senators Hanna, Scott and Gorman, Governor Taft and J. Pierpont Morgan were represented and all answered questions of the ventriloquist. 146 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Some of the questions and answers are given : Q. J. PiERPONT Morgan, what do you consider the most alarming ten- dency of the times? A. The way John D. Rockefeller is getting all the money, Q. Senator Gorman, how do you like your new job as Democratic leader? A. I'd enjoy it more if some of the Democrats would follow me. Q. Gov. Taft, what is your chief concern about your new job as Secretary of War? A. I'm afraid I'll catch cold sitting in the room where Secretary Root has been. Hanna. If Taft gets cold he can go over to the White House and stand around when the President tells me how glad he is to see me. That's warm enough — until after the convention. Q. Senator Gorman, is it true that William J. Bryan is coming out for you for President? A. No, sir; Bryan is a friend of mine. But the greatest hit of the show was Edgar C. Snyder as Senator Scott, who time after time bounced up, looking like a real dummy, and shouting: "Hurrah for Hanna!" Scott was the one insistent and outspoken advocate of Mark Hanna for President. Strangely enough it was the last dinner Mark Hanna ever attended. He was a sick man at the time; in fact, against the GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX 147 advice of his doctor, he left his bed to attend the dinner, because he so enjoyed the occasions that he could not keep away. He grew worse and died two weeks afterward. William Randolph Hearst had accepted an invitation to the dinner but could not be present. His seat, between Senators Aldrich and Gorman was filled with a monstrous "yellow kid," a figure that had been popularized in the Hearst newspapers. It was about that time that a bitter fight was instituted against the confirmation of Gen. Leonard Wood who had been named for major-general in the army. One of the charges against him was that he had permitted the Jai Alai, the Spanish gambling game, to operate in Havana. It was asserted that the staid United States Senate, while considering Wood's nomination in secret executive session, hurled the Jai Alai ball from the curved racquets used for that purpose to illustrate how the game was played. Naturally the Gridiron Club introduced the Jai Alai, assert- ing that it had the approval of the United States government. Gen. H. V. Boynton and [John P. Miller, members of the Club dressed as "sports" in Cuban costumes, conducted the affair. The wheel of fortune did not return money but prizes to different guests. Uncle Joe Cannon drew a senatorship — "the only kind he'll ever get," remarked one of the operators. William J. Bryan drew a sheet of music, but before it was handed over the quartette sang it for him. It was the song "Forsaken," remodeled to suit the occasion. Tom Reed had once skinned the Gridiron Club for falling into the habit of handing out sugar instead of pepper, kind words instead of roasts. Tom Carter, who had gained fame in many ways, but whom everybody seems to remember because he once talked a river and harbor bill to death, started a sort of Reed roast, remarking particularly about the number of Gridiron men who were holding office and how the Club handled men in high places with gloves. "This is not a river and harbor bill," shouted L. White Busbey, and Carter never got further with that speech. 148 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The dinner was not to close without another startling feature. President Roosevelt had been touched but mildly during the dinner so he did not tarry long in a humorous vein, but soon plunged into the subject which interested him most, the Panama canal. He defended his course in connection with Colombia and declared that as long as he was President all obstacles to the construction of the canal would be removed. "The canal is going to be built. I will say here as I have said elsewhere that all obstacles placed in the way will be removed." He was leaning over the table as he spoke, glaring at Senator Gorman who was then said to be working to defeat the canal, and who was supposed to have the quiet assistance of Senators Aldrich and Hanna who were sitting near him. At all events the impression was made that the President was "talking at" the Senators, and for a second time during the evening there passed down the spines of those around the tables that tingle of excitement which one feels when something seems about to happen which you hope will not happen, but which you would not miss for the world if it should happen. A few years later the Roosevelt-Foraker affair was just such an event. The national conventions of 1904 were mentioned at the dinner of the Gridiron Club held in April, but as it seemed a foregone conclusion that Roosevelt would be nominated at Chicago and Parker at St. Louis these political events did not figure much in the entertainment. Bulletins were brought in and read from time to time touch- ing on politics. One related to the silence of Judge Parker; another under the heading "Determined to Die Poor," said Andrew Carnegie was not only to support Roosevelt, but would take the chairmanship of the national committee. Under a Chicago date line was a paragraph saying: "William Jen- nings Bryan hired a hall tonight to tell New York Democrats what he thinks of them." Immediately following, with a New York date line, was this one: "The New York Democrats will GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX 149 hire six halls to tell what they think of Bryan." Those who attended the Baltimore convention know that there was the same reciprocal feeling between Bryan and New York in 1912 as suggested by the Gridiron Club in 1904. The ''Supreme Court of the Gridiron Club" consisted of nine members in black robes who were to all intents and purposes minstrels, for they had their interlocutor, bones, and tambo, jokes and songs. And no one enjoyed the burlesques more than Associate Justices Harlan and Brewer, who were guests on that occasion. One of the quips was directed at Senator Allison of Iowa, who under no circumstances would commit himself. One time Allison called a newspaper man into his committee room and read him a long letter addressed to a constituent at home, and asked the correspondent what he thought of it. "Well, Senator," replied the correspondent, with some hesi- tation, "I don't think he will be able to make anything out of it." "That was the intention," replied Allison, fairly beaming. A Gridiron minstrel started to tell the Allison sheep story. "Oh, we have all heard about that," said the interlocutor, "the sheep were going by and some one remarked they had been sheared, and Allison replied, 'It would appear that they are sheared — on this side — ' we've all heard that." "That isn't it," replied the minstrel; "what Allison said was: 'Well, as respects that matter, no one has demonstrated to me that they are sheep.'" The Supreme Court had just decided the merger case, in a decision which seemed to be somewhat clouded. One of the minstrels remarked that it was a great victory. "Great victory for the government.'^" asked the interlocutor. "You bet it was," replied the minstrel. "The government won by a vote of four and five-eighths out of a possible nine." Justices Harlan and Brewer shouted with laughter, for they had both favored a more vigorous and far-reaching decision. Justice Brewer afterward said that the Gridiron minstrel accurately stated the vote on that important case. 150 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "I suppose you are going to the convention at Chicago," remarked the interlocutor. "No," replied an endman; "the candidates have been selected; the officers of the convention chosen; the platform is drafted, and it won't be worth while." "Is nothing left for the delegates .^^ " "Oh, yes; they will have the privilege of paying ten dollars a day and sleeping fifteen in a room." Then there was a shot at William R. Hearst. A question was asked about his boom and an endman replied: "It reminds me of the fellow who woke up in the night and found a pink elephant in the room." "How did he get rid of it?" "Oh, it backed slowly out through the keyhole." Senator Allison of Iowa, who had been a frequent guest of the Gridiron Club in its youth, was at the April dinner and the music committee handed him a song of which this was the chorus : Ain't you a wise old owl? Really you make us howl. You are a wonder, And make no blunder, You solemn-looking, wise old owl. A beauty contest among statesmen, with a tie vote between Sam Powders of Massachusetts and Frank Cushman of Wash- ington, afforded an opportunity for both of these very homely, but very witty men to make clever speeches. Besides there were jabs at other statesmen while the contest was in progress. There was a great deal said in the papers at that time con- cerning "white-wash" investigations and the Gridiron Club took a hand. A delegation of members held a meeting and as charges were presented they were set aside in the general "white- wash" movement. Pictures of different statesmen by Cunning- ham were produced and as each was acquitted it was covered with white-wash. Cannon, Knox, Bristow, Bede and others, went through the process, Bede being unanimously acquitted GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX m of being a humorist. Senator Fairbanks was one of the last and the charge against him was that he was too unconventional, too radical, etc. "But what are his views on the vice-presidency.?^" asked a member. "That is the crux of the whole matter." "He thinks the vice-presidency," was the reply, "is a high and honorable office, and that he will not refuse the office unless he finds that he cannot get it." And that very nearly stated the Fairbanks position when the convention was held. John H. Nolan, whose deep bass voice has charmed many Gridiron diners, was initiated at that April dinner and sang a number of songs from Pinafore with the words changed to touch up various statesmen who were guests. He was voted eligible when to the tune "He's an Englishman," he mentioned other clubs of Washington in the following: For I might have been a Tantalus, a Fat Man or a Cosmos, or a Metropolitan, I don't need an invitation to attend this initiation, For I am a Gridiron man. There were many distinguished guests at the dinner, among them Prince Pu Tun Tsee, belonging to the Manchu dynasty, who was accompanied by Sir Chentung Liang Cheng, the Chinese minister. During the summer the Gridiron Club was entertained at Squantum, R. L, by Senator Nelson W. Aldrich and Mr. R. S. HowLAND of the Providence Journal. It was one of the many occasions the Club has enjoyed away from home. A dinner was given at the Squantum Club, which turned out to be a Gridiron affair. Maj. John M. Carson in a reminiscent mood told about a former trip to Squantum fifteen years before. Henry Hall made a very striking speech, referring to the size of Rhode Island and then paying a tribute to the fame and character of the men the State had given the nation. Samuel G. Blythe grilled the Rhode Islanders. He spoke of the thrift of New England as exemplified by Senator Aldrich, who, on a 152 GRIDIRON NIGHTS salary of $5,000 a year, had been able to create such a magnifi- cent estate as they had that day visited. As to the other members of the Rhode Island delegation in Congress, he said that the Washington correspondents had met them for the first time that day, but had never heard of them in the National Capital. The Squantum trip in some respects was in the nature of a compliment to David S. Barry, who had just been transferred to the managing editorship of the Providence Journal. He shared in the praise and roasts of the occasion. The December dinner of 1904 was utilized to "clean up" the incidents of the campaign which had just closed. One of the features was a fortune teller who was surrounded by members of the Club representing different characters. "Miss Demo- cracy" was told: "You have recently met with a great disap- pointment. A strenuous man wearing eyeglasses and showing his teeth has crossed your path. You are in great danger. There is a talkative man out in Nebraska who is trying to abduct you." Then the member representing Henry Gassaway Davis came forward and was told: "Your fortune is just the same as it was before you were nominated for Vice-President." This was not the only allusion to the supposition that the venerable West Virginia Democrat had been nominated because of his very large financial resources, and the further fact that his contributions fell short of expectations. In a "dead-letter" skit was found a letter from the Democratic National Committee, acknowledging receipt of $7.39 from Davis. Mr. Davis enjoyed it as well as anybody could. Senator Davis and his son-in-law, Stephen B. Elkins, figured in a harmony performance, when both were brought out and the statement made that politics should not divide families after the campaign was over. They were advised to shake hands and be friends. This they did amidst the plaudits of the com- pany, Davis remarking that he could stand for anything. Senator Fairbanks had been elected Vice-President and the GREATEST GRIDIRON HOAX 153 Senatorial vacancy left a disturbed political condition in Indiana. This found expression in an alleged telephone message from Harry New who said that the only way to preserve harmony was to elect Beveridge to both seats in the Senate. The telephone also brought the offer of a story to one of the correspondents. It was a statement by Senator Fairbanks in which he really expressed an opinion. *'The Senator declares," so it read, "that in his opinion the greatest piece of English composition in existence was Mr. Roosevelt's announcement on the night of the election that under no circumstances would he again be a candidate for President." J. PiERPONT Morgan was again a guest of the Gridiron Club and his name was mentioned in the telephone conversation when the man on the other end of the line, said to be Andrew Car- negie, wanted to know if Mr. Morgan was on any of Cassie Chadwick's paper. The Gridiron Club was nearly twenty years old and several allusions to the past were made, but there was nothing more humorous than a song by the original quartette, con- sisting of Gen. H. V. Boyn- TON, Crosby S. Noyes, William E. Curtis, and Robert M. Larner. Twenty years before the same song was heard at the first Gridiron dinner. It was the last dinner in the old Arlington Hotel which had been the Gridiron home for the past fifteen years. However, this was only a farewell to twenty years of success- ful dinner giving. The next event was the twentieth anniversary dinner of the Club and was celebrated in a fitting manner. CHAPTER XVII THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY Playing at Roosevelt and the Retorts of the President — Bryan Charges that T. R. Stole His Platform — Reciprocal Relations between the Club and Roose- velt — Impeachment of Cannon — Peace Conference — Taft and the Ohio Campaign. MAJOR JOHN M. CARSON, of the New York Times and the Philadelphia Public Ledger, was one of the originators and founders of the Gridiron Club, and had been President in the early days. As a compliment and a recognition of his efforts when it was a struggling organization the Major was elected President for the 20th anniversary year. The dinner in January, 1905, was the first given at the New Willard hotel, the new home of the Club. In welcoming the guests on that occasion President Carson referred to the past, saying that of the thousands of guests whom the Club had entertained there had been among them Presidents of the United States, sovereign heads of other republics, distinguished men in the diplomatic and military service of all lands, and men promi- nent in the great industrial and scientific development of the world. To such an extent as could be permitted there was a revival of some of the features that had been given at former dinners when adaptable to new situations. At this 20th anniversary dinner the souvenir was quite an elaborate book, containing a brief history of the Club. It had been prepared under the direction of Richard Lee Fearn, chairman of the committee, and was a review of the dinners, trips, and incidents which had taken place during the two de- cades of the Club's existence. President Roosevelt was a guest and the Club began to play at him from the beginning. We had learned that he Hked 154 THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY 155 nothing better and, further, that he felt quite competent to come right back and reply to the humorous and pointed shafts thrown at him. At the very outset the inauguration of the President introduced a noisy cavalcade of Rough Riders who came in singing, "There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight." With the khaki clad crew came a delegation of nondescripts in various costumes who proved to be candidates for the cabinet jobs and whose quahfications were based upon the various activities of the President of the United States. There was the Secretary of the Whipping Post, a Roosevelt suggestion for wife-beaters; the Secretary of Agriculture and Fertility, who said he was the father of five pairs of twins; a college football coach; a member claiming skill in jiu-jitsu; the author of a book, "The Giants I have Made"; one claimed recognition because he had written a "Life of the President"; another held the world's record for roping steers and had killed six cattle rustlers; then there was the Secretary of the Strenuous Life, also the Keeper of the "Big Stick." At one stage of the dinner a member of the Club announced that there was an inventor downstairs who wanted to show a device he had just perfected. Asked what it was the member replied : "It's a safety net he wants to sell the Republican leaders to keep the Democrats from stealing the President." This was an allusion to the frequent assertions at that time that Roosevelt was stealing all the planks of the Democratic party, and the Democrats were thinking of adopting him. The idea was further elaborated when a suggestion was made that as both President Roosevelt and William J. Bryan were present there should be a joint debate between them. "What's the use?" was the retort. "They are both on the same side." The idea was emphasized when Mr. Bryan told how he had seen Mr. Roosevelt take plank after plank of his platform until he found very little left. He rather expected to see the remain- ing planks appropriated before long. When we consider the 156 GRIDIRON NIGHTS recall and the initiative and referendum espoused by Roosevelt in recent years Mr. Bryan was somewhat prophetic. The Roosevelt retort that the good things in the Democratic platform were absolutely useless in Mr. Bryan's possession be- cause he never would be in a position to put them in operation raised a great laugh at the expense of the Nebraskan. President Roosevelt was introduced after the recital of a succession of verses by different members of the Club, claiming for several men the distinction of being the "original Roosevelt man." Secretary Hay, Senators Lodge, Beveridge, Foraker, and Scott were all named, while Francis E. Leupp, a member of the Club and then Commissioner of Indian Affairs, claimed for himself that honor. President Carson remarked that no doubt the guests had been edified by the poetic recitals, but he had the pleasure of introducing to the company (and he turned and bowed to the President) "the original Roosevelt man." I do not think any man before or since ever received such an ovation at a Gridiron dinner. Mr. Roosevelt was at the height of his popularity. But what made him particularly appreciated by the Gridiron Club was the fact that he stood the gaff and enjoyed the fun at his own expense. There was scarcely a pointed allusion in the skits that did not receive attention from the President in his reply, for the first part of his speech was devoted to retort and in elaborating some of the points he was very humorous. But, as at all subsequent dinners, the President had a message to deliver. I have always thought that it was part of a carefully prepared plan. He knew that the speeches at the Gridiron dinners never were published, but they were heard by men in all walks of life, cabinet oflScers, senators, representatives, ambassadors, military and naval officers, and, what was more important in Mr. Roosevelt's opinion, newspaper men who were his friends. When such speeches were delivered he ob- tained the benefit of opinions as to the policies outlined. There were discussions in the press and periodicals, and advice and counsel freely offered by public men. The President learned THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY 157 how the new ideas were accepted and found out whether modi- fications were necessary. We always looked upon President Roosevelt as a distinct asset and valued his presence at the dinners. He was constantly doing things as President that attracted attention and these acts were capable of interpretation in a Gridiron way; besides, he was not squeamish and always stood for anything that the Club introduced, accepting it in the spirit of fun in which it was intended. But if the President was useful to the Gridiron Club, it was a reciprocal arrangement. Aside from the enjoy- ment he had, there was that other feature, the promulgation of a new doctrine, the utterance of words which would not be quoted, but were none the less a message sent forth in the nature of a feeler, or to prepare the public mind for something which he intended to submit to Congress or the country. On one occasion he delivered the celebrated muck-rake speech, which was repeated in a public address not long after- ward. At another time the railroad rate regulation was out- lined, most of the speech afterward appearing in a message to Congress. Suggestions of an inheritance and income tax were first made at a Gridiron dinner and were later reported with more elaboration at the laying of a cornerstone of a public building. Oftentimes Congress had a hint of what was coming from the White House in a message by a speech of the President at a Gridiron dinner. At times also senators and representatives were told what they would have to do, also what they could not do, in the matter of legislation. These presidential speeches took time, and were not in the line of wit and humor which is the aim of the Gridiron Club. The members rather dreaded them, especially when they took on the character of moral lectures and academic discussion, but the President of the United States could not be interrupted or cut off, even by the Gridiron Club. Besides, as I have said. Presi- dent Roosevelt was a valued asset. The guests always enjoyed a dinner much more when he was there than in his absence, and so we took the lectures and the discussion of moral legisla- 158 GRIDIRON NIGHTS tion and other issues in good part, realizing the mutuality of the situation and perfectly willing to give a quid pro quo. A special song had been prepared for President Roosevelt that evening. One of the verses and the chorus follow: Now let the men who are beating their wives Beware of the slugging they'll get, And warn all the railroads with curious rates To hustle in out of the wet. Let England, and Germany, and Russia, and all. Know that they can't monkey with us; We'll have a strong navy, to fight with, by gravy. If we ever get into a fuss. Roosevelt, Roosevelt, you are the man we praise; Roosevelt, Roosevelt, strenuous all your days; Roosevelt, Roosevelt, now let the eagle soar! Over the land with big stick in hand, You are President four years more. Mr. Bryan also was remembered with a song: Bryan came to town, just to look around — Politics and fortune had been shy; Campaigns had been lost, at a fearful cost Still the Presidential goose hung high. Parker butted in — he was licked like sin — Then a cry went over the land: Bring back Billy Bryan, he's the only man Who can lead the Democratic van. Whitelaw Reid of the New York Tribune was one of many prominent newspaper men from different parts of the country present at the dinner. In introducing him President Carson said: *' Forty years ago there came to Washington a young man fresh from Gen. Sherman's army in the Southwest, with which he distinguished himself as a war correspondent. After several years' service on Newspaper Row he was called to New York and became the principal associate of the greatest editor of his THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY 159 day and generation, succeeding to the management of the paper on the death of his chief. He has earned distinction in his chosen field of effort, and has frequently been honored by his government which he served with efiiciency and credit as minister to foreign countries. If current report be correct he is to be again honored shortly by being made Ambassador to the Court of St. James." "That is correct," interjected President Roosevelt. "Washington correspondents," continued Maj. Carson, "have reason to be proud of Whitelaw Reid. The Gridiron Club is especially gratified to have him among its guests to- night." It is to be regretted that the reminiscences of Mr. Reid con- cerning early days of Newspaper Row cannot be reproduced. As if to show no partiality Mr. Reid was remembered in a skit in which Samuel G. Blythe appeared as a hypnotist and with two members of the Club produced interesting results. After a few passes, this followed: Blythe — Mr. Coolidge, you are Hon. Whitelaw Reid. You will make an after-dinner speech at a London banquet. Coolidge — Blood is thicker than water. Oh, how we love the English ! Hands across the sea. The supremacy of the Anglo-Saxon race. Three cheers for the King! Blythe — Mr. Bennett, you are Speaker Cannon, and will show us how you bowed to the great popular demand for tariff revision. Bennett — The House will be in order. I want to announce to you tariff revisionists here and now that any freckle-faced, knock-kneed, splay-footed Republican who doesn't stand pat won't get no more committee places next session than a rabbit. Perhaps it was because of the fact that he could not break into the Senate that Speaker Cannon antagonized that body so vigorously. At all events the Gridiron Club introduced an im- peachment skit. Uncle Joe being impeached, while the court consisted of Vice-President Fairbanks, Senators Gorman, Stone, Depew, Scott, and half a dozen more senators, all of whom were brought to the center of the room while members of the Club 160 GRIDIRON NIGHTS assisted in the trial. Among the "counts'* in the "arraign- ment" was this: Article VIII — That the said Joseph G. Cannon rejected with scorn and much profanity the offer of the Presidency of the Senate, thus thrusting upon the people Chables Warren Fairbanks. Cannon was pronounced guilty and sentenced to dismissal — almost prophetic, in view of the election in 1912. "Frenzied Finance" was one of the skits, introduced to show how Wall street was taking "easy money" from the people, and also how Cassie Chadwick took that same money from Wall street. J. H. Maddy had always been a friend of the Club and was just leaving the Baltimore & Ohio Railroad to go with the Erie. So the Gridiron Club gave him a loving cup and when it was presented the inscription was read : "From bad to worse." During the summer of 1905, the peace conference was held at Portsmouth, N. H., which brought to an end the war between Russia and Japan. The Gridiron peace conference was a feature of the December dinner of that year. At the first suggestion of such a conference Ernest G. Walker, one of the members of the Club, opposed the idea. "War makes news," he said; "let's have war." N. O. Messenger, another member replied that on the contrary, peace conferences would result in two wars where before there was one, whereupon the delegates were selected and came together. These Gridiron delegates discussed with the utmost frankness the differences existing between Vice-President Fairbanks and Senator Beveridge in Indiana, between Senator Gorman and Senator Rayner in Maryland, between Senator Spooner and Senator La Follette in Wisconsin, and between Senator FoRAKER and Secretary Taft in Ohio. The man representing Taft stated that he was a cabinet oflBcer and feared that news- paper correspondents might be present, so he tied a handkerchief THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY 161 over his mouth. This was a reference to the vigorous statement that President Roosevelt had made only a short time before about cabinet officers talking too much for publication. Secretary Taft figured conspicuously in the campaign of that year, going into Ohio and denouncing Boss Cox and his nominee for Governor, Myron T. Herrick. The latter was defeated. Among the alleged wireless dispatches, received and read from time to time during the evening, was one from Cox, which said: Dear Bill: It was all right to dissemble, hut why did you kick me downstairs? The dispatch from Herrick was to Senator Charles Dick and read: Please get President Roosevelt to duplicate to me Harrison^s message to Warner Miller about falling outside the breastworks. Time makes many changes. Four years later Taft sent Herrick as Ambassador to France. There was another reference to the Ohio campaign in the initiation of Richard V. Oulahan of the New York Sun, Ernest G. Walker of the Boston Herald and J. Henry Small. They were subjected to a grand inquisition while seated on Gridirons over what appeared to be a red hot fire. One of the inquisitors, impersonating Mr. Taft, prodded a candidate saying: *'This is a George B. Cox RepubHcan. Had I not been away on a trip I would have gone home and voted against him. I would swap my Presidential chances or a seat on the Supreme Bench before I would admit him to the Club." Even at that time there was a hint that Taft was to be Roosevelt's successor. Secretary Root was impersonated by another member who jabbed Oulahan with the remark: "This man dared to ask me if I had attended a Cabinet meeting. He printed in his paper an intimation that our head devil owns stock in the government printing office.'* The Grand Inquisitor was evidently a thinly disguised Roosevelt, and Secretary Loeb was the head devil, upon whom all the blame was laid for mistakes the inquisitors acknowledged 162 GRIDIRON NIGHTS had been made about the candidates, who were declared eligible Gridiron men when the explanations were made. J. PiERPONT Morgan had acquired the Grdiron habit and was again a guest of the Club. Reference was made to him in one of the wireless messages purporting to come from George W. Perkins, then with the Morgan interests, to Robert Bacon, who had left the Morgan firm and was Roosevelt's Assistant Secretary of State. Arent you glad to get out of it? the message read. Big Business had begun to feel the Rooseveltian hand. Henry M. AYhitney had been put in the Ananias Club by President Roosevelt in a characteristic utterance and this message from him was addressed to Senator Lodge: I would like to go South. Do you think it safe for me to go through Washington. "Everybody works but Fairbanks" was sung by Ed. Hay for the benefit of the Vice-President, with this chorus: Everybody works but Fairbanks; He sits there all day. Listening to the speeches Made in the same old way. Allison, Lodge and Gorman, All are in the ranks — Everybody works in the Senate But Mister Fairbanks. There was a surprise from Baron Rosen, the Russian Am- bassador, who had figured so prominently at the peace con- ference. It was the first dinner he had ever attended and he delighted the company by making a real Gridiron talk. Theodore P. Shonts, chairman of the Isthmian Canal Com- mission, was a guest at the dinner. The canal was moving along rather slowly. At the next dinner the Gridiron Club made the canal a feature and put an idea into the head of President Roosevelt that caused a speeding up of work on the big ditch. CHAPTER XVIII GRIDIRON CLUB AND THE BIG CANAL Make-Believe Trip to Panama, Showing the President What Was Wrong — Santo Domingo Troubles — Gridiron Guide to Washington — Picked Taft as Roosevelt's Successor — Speaker Cannon's Dinner AND Danville Folks — Simple Speller and Gridiron DiKSHUNARY TaFT THE ADMINISTRATION FlREMAN Harriman Lectures Roosevelt — The Brownsville Incident. IN January, 1906, under the guidance of President Richard Lee Fearn, of the New York Tribune, the Gridiron Club went to Panama, taking its guests along, and opened the eyes of the President of the United States and other officials to the necessity of a change of methods if the canal was to be constructed. To that extent the Gridiron Club helped along the building of the waterway connecting the two oceans. It was only a make-believe trip, but the setting helped the illusion. The guests entered the dining-room through a wind- ing route of waving palms and other tropical vegetation, while to the tune of When Johnny Comes Marching Home the music committee sang a song of which the following is a part: We're going to dig the big canal, Hurrah! Hurrah! We're going to dig the big canal In Pan-a-ma. In Panama we work tonight. We'll do some digging before its light And there'll be no more shenanigan when The dirt begins to fly. When all were assembled about the tables the hghts went out and President Fearn announced that they were in Panama, having made a remarkably quick trip. While the lights were down screens had been removed, which had concealed a view 163 164 GRIDIRON NIGHTS representing the plaza at Panama. This greeted the guests when the room was again hghted, and on the plaza the mem- bers of the Club performed their stunts. One of these was rather extended, but it was worth the time in the lesson it con- veyed. It showed that the canal had too many chiefs, too many typewriters, too many press agents, and was altogether top- heavy. *' Good-morning, Chief," was the salutation heard on every hand, while there were "chiefs" here and "chiefs" there, and no one doing the work. Every faker and expert with any crazy idea of canal construction was given a hearing by the "chiefs." The climax was reached when one expert offered this proposition: "I propose to build 47 airships, each a mile long. Then I propose to build a nice commodious canal and hitch it to the airships. That will obviate any cuts." "How do you get your ships there?" asked one of the chiefs. "Sir," was the reply, "I am talking now as a canal expert. If you want my views as a marine expert, I must have another retainer." James S. Henry of the Philadelphia Press, made up to look very much like President Roosevelt, entered at this point and scattered the chiefs, press agents, fakers, etc., and declared in measured tones: "I'll — dig — it — myself," and then gave a song which was a parody on Drill, Ye Tarriers, Drill, substituting the words, "Dig, Ye Tarriers, Dig." One verse and chorus of this new version follow: Every morning at half-past nine, The President gets Mr. Shonts in line; "For Congress," says he, "I don't give a fig; There's a canal to be dug and I want ye to dig." Then it's dig, ye tarriers, dig; And it's work all day, In the good old way; With a pick and a shovel, And a horse and a dray; Then it's dig, ye tarriers, dig. THE BIG CANAL 165 While the Club and its guests were supposed to be at Pan- ama there was a conversation on the plaza by Blythe, Bennett and CooLiDGE, in which shots were taken at different guests; also in which there were comments upon a number of magazine muck-rakers, and other critics of the canal work, who had very recently visited the isthmus. Some of the lines of this skit follow : Queer old place, isn't it? They tell me it used to be headquarters for the pirates. Used to be? I guess they haven't all moved away yet. Have they erected a monument where Taft landed? No; they turned in the water and made an artificial lake. What's this I hear about the President going to India to hunt big game? Don 't you believe it. He has good big game hunting in the United States for several years yet. That was the first intimation that President Roosevelt intended to go on a big game hunting expedition. An interesting incident of the canal feature of the dinner was the introduction of M. Jusserand, the French Ambassador. "But for the enterprise of a great people we would have been in Nicaragua tonight instead of Panama," said President Fearn in calling upon the popular diplomat for a speech. The last of the Panama stunt was a large picture of the completed canal thrown on a screen. It showed a battleship being towed through the waterway by two mules, the latter driven by Mr. Roosevelt. During the performance of the canal act the guests of the Club divided their attention between the plaza and the head of the table, for the President's face was a study. It was clear that the administration of the canal was being severely criti- cized and Roosevelt never took kindly to criticism. Later in the evening when he spoke he showed that the canal act had reached home. After saying that he could appreciate the im- patience of the Gridiron Club over the delay at Panama he asserted that whatever might be the facts, or whether the picture was exaggerated or true to life, hereafter, as long as he was 166 GRIDIRON NIGHTS President, the "dirt would fly" on the canal zone. Subsequent reorganization of the canal force followed with gratifying results. Santo Domingo, so often the subject of worry on the part of the United States, was in one of its chronic revolutionary stages at that time, and furnished the basis of an act to initiate W. W. Jermane of the Minneapolis Journal, and Arthur J. Dodge of the Milwaukee Sentinel. "Fortunately a new ruler has sprung up in Santo Domingo," wrote President Roosevelt in a message to Congress. He referred to Morales who was a ruler for a few days and was at the time of the dinner on a hop-skip-and-jump in the jungle. The newspaper correspondents and this "nigger-in-the-woodpile," were mixed up for a time, but finally they were declared Club members. As a part of the ceremony they asserted their belief in the infallibility of the national administration; promised to refer to the Speaker of the House as the tribune of the people; and to denounce the Senate as a cabal of corporation hirelings. As each affirmative response was made there was a cuckoo echo. In those days many men were charged with being mere cuckoos of the Roosevelt administration. "The Gridiron Guide to Washington" was the souvenir, a book which is still interesting on account of the satire which is applicable to many features of National Capital life. The "Guide" was profusely illustrated and it did not spare men or things in its description and comments. A chapter on "pre- cedence" in Washington gave the following as the recognized order : The President of the United States; the Vice-President of the United States (when Ambassadors do not object); Ambassadors (when the Supreme Court does not object); the Cabinet (when Senators do not object); Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (when he is wiUing); the Speaker of the House (when the Associate Justices do not object); Associate Justices of the Supreme Court (when Senators do not object); bailiffs of the local courts; Senators, Repre- sentatives (who never object); Army and Navy officers (Marine Corps not recognized); the Public (which is helpless). THE BIG CANAL 167 The reference to the Marine Corps was on account of the order of the President (afterward overruled by Congress) taking marines off the ships. The Rules of Etiquette as laid down by the Guide, were as follows: The President ranks as King. The Vice-President, however, is not Heir Apparent. Invitations from the President are Commands. His Criticisms of all Matters, Public and Private, must be Respected. Newspaper Correspond- ents Study His Wishes and are Guided by them. The Lower Classes make the first Call upon Those Above them. This Rule is Rigidly Enforced. The Secretary of the Treasury for Example is Expected to call upon Mr. J. Pierpont Morgan. Full Dress is Required at Dinners. Steel-pen Coats and Decollette Gowns may be Hired at Low Rates. See our Advertising Pages. Congressmen with families will Refrain from Taking Cake and Fruit Home to the Children. Wines should be Judiciously Used. At the Better Class Tables Each Guest is Allowed no More than a Magnum of Champagne. It is Bad Form to Request the Waiter to Leave the Bottle at your Plate. Spoons for Soup, Forks for Fish, and Knives for Cutting Only are now de rigeur. Picking One's Teeth with a Fork at the Table Without Shielding the Mouth with the Hand or the Napkin Should be Avoided if Possible. Visitors Accustomed to Tying Napkins about their Necks while at Dinner Should Use the Modern Detachable Elastic Invented for that Purpose. See our Advertising Columns. Napkins or Spoons are not to be taken from the Table. They may have been Hired for the Occasion. Hunting is Prohibited in the Zoological Gardens (Our Bears must be Pro- tected). Loaded revolvers strapped to the Hip are Permitted only to Private Secre- taries. Members of the Cabinet are on View every Tuesday and Friday. They must not be Spoken to Without Written Permission. The Guide began with the Capitol, of which it was stated: This Building, the Mecca of Rural Statesmen, is Mainly Noted for its Lob- bies, which are of Generous Proportions. When Originally Constructed, it was Expected to occupy a Prominent Place in Public Affairs. Of late years, it has been dwarfed by Comparison with the White House. Somewhere within the 168 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Classic Outlines of the Majestic Marble Building is a deliberate Body, which Imagines it is Entrusted with the Awful Duty of Making Laws to Govern the People of the United States. You will find it at the Butt End of Uncle Joe Cannon's Cigar. The Senate Chamber is The Assembly Room of the Finest Club on Earth. The Deliberations of the Senate are Public, Except when the Doors are Closed for Executive Session. Then they are Published. The White House was illustrated as a gymnasium, and concerning the home of the President the Guide said: This is a School for the Education of Senators and Representatives as to their Duty to their Country. The Head-Master is Prof. T. Roosevelt, A.B., A.M., LL.D., There is a Gymnasium Connected with the Institu- Litt. D. (Harvard, 1880). tion. The Motto is — 'Hit First and Frequent." The following was for the benefit of men in the Treasury Department who have presidential ambitions: The Treasury is a Kindergarten for Bank Presidents, but not for Presidents of the United States. Many a Secretary of the Treasury has Tried it, but None ever Got There! The War Department showed a back view of Secretary Taft "sitting on the lid." With the residence of ex-Senator William E. Chandler, was a warning, "Watch out! He throws bricks." And bricks were seen com- ing from doors and windows. The navy de- partment was said to be a building with a French roof and a French THE BIG CANAL 169 Secretary, and the headquarters of the civil service reform move- ment. Charles J. Bonaparte, an ardent reformer, was then Secretary of the Navy. "Passing rapidly through Postmaster- General CoRTELYOu's autcroom we come to the headquarters of the Republican National Commit- tee,'* was the statement about the Postoffice Department. "Advertisements" also figured in the production; a page being given to the "Senate Vaudeville," in which shots were taken at men who were then prominent in that body. Mark Twain was a guest of the Club and appeared in his white clothes cut in the conventional even- ing dress style. Mark told me that his white clothes denoted purity and said the average gathering of men at a dinner party reminded him of a flock of crows. A unique method was adopted in introducing the distin- guished author. N. O. Messenger of the Washington Star from a place behind a bunch of palms swung a line into the area, as a man does who takes the soundings on a river steamer, at the same time quoting from Mr. Clemens' Old Times on the Mississippi the words which the leadsman drawls out when heaving the lead: "Eight-and-one-half! mark three! quarter-less three! half twain! quarter twain! mark twain!" It was from this river sounding measurement that Clemens took his nom de plume. Mark gave reminiscences of the time when he was a Washington correspondent and pointed out Jim Young, one of the charter members of the Gridiron Club, as one man he remembered in those far-off days. Near the end of the evening a song to Roosevelt was sung by Herndon Morsell. The most taking verse was: 170 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Our fathers bold in days of old For freedom fought; And with their swords, history records; Great wonders wrought; It took them years to hit the peers Below the belt; The job, I swan, were quicker done With Roosevelt. In March, 1906, Speaker Cannon gave a dinner to the Gridiron Club, with a notable array of distinguished guests. There were present the President, the Vice-President, ambas- sadors. Cabinet members. Supreme Court justices, senators, representatives, prominent newspaper men, and men whose names were well known in business, and other walks of life. It was not a Gridiron dinner, although the Club introduced several stunts and musical numbers. One of these the host knew nothing about. A bunch of country folk came wandering in, looking about much as such visitors do who go to the Capitol for the first time. They were met by Henry Hall as a Capitol guide, who affably asked: "Strangers in the city?" *'Yes, we are from Danville," was the reply. *' Danville, Virginia," said the guide. *'You come from a great State — the mother of presidents." "Danville, Illinois," crisply interjected one of the tourists. "I have heard your city well spoken of," said the guide. Then he introduced himself and was engaged to show them around. "First of all, I suppose you want to see your Congressman. Who is your member?" There was a great roar of laughter from the company at Uncle Joe's expense. Then the guide began to point out various prominent men, replying to questions in Gridiron style. "There is Mr. Harriman and Mr. Fish," said the guide. THE BIG CANAL 171 "Are they railroad presidents?" asked one of the Danville folks. "They are — with insurance leanings," was the reply. Asked if there were any House leaders present, Sereno E. Payne and John Dalzell were pointed out. "Whenever Uncle Joe taps the bell and hollers 'front,' they are Johnny-on-the-spot," said one of the party. A preacher-looking man remarked about the number of glasses on the table. "They contain nothing but grape juice," promptly asserted the guide. Which shows that the Gridiron Club anticipated by a number of years a beverage that became popular in a later administration. After a number of speeches had been made Speaker Cannon arose and pounding with his gavel as in the House declared: "There'll not be another thing done; no speeches; no eat- ing — not even drinking — until we have Stofer with his watermelon." And the Major gave them the Watermillion Hangin on de Vine with a right good will. President Roosevelt occupied the center of the stage at the dinner of the Gridiron Club in December, 1906. As the big electric gridiron filled the room with light the guests saw on the table before them the "Simple Speller and Gridiron Dik- shunary," and a most wonderful volume it proved to be. It was prepared by a committee of which L. A. Coolidge was chairman and was profusely illustrated by C. K. Berryman. The President had adopted Andrew Carnegie's speUing ideas and ordered the government departments to use the new method. Congress sometimes refused to obey the President — in little things — and took steps to preserve the familiar method of spelling, by legislative enactment. The Gridiron "Dikshunary" went the Hmit. It wiped out the letter C, stating that it had been obliterated by Andru Karnagie. The definitions were as interesting as the spelling, touching on the conditions in the government, and were per- sonal as well as political. Here are a few samples: 172 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Administrashun. (n.) 1. A nebulus thing kwoted by the newspaper korrespondent when he thinkz he thinkz what the President thinkz. 2. The akt of administering — medisun, punishment, advise. See Rosa- VELT. Damifino. (n. v. a. adj. adv. pron. part.) A kustomary response in Washing- ton. Q. " What is going to happen next at the White House? A. "Damifino." Exekutive. (n.) An oflBshul who lukz after legislashun in Kongress and instruktz the kortz. Exploshun. (n.) One of the adjunktz of a Kabinet meeting. Graft, (n.) 1. Australian kollokwializm meaning to work hard. 2. The reward which a man gets for doing awl he kan. Insur-gent. (n.) A gent who thinkz he iz a majority. See Speaker. Jale. (n.) The last home uv kareless statezmen. Kabinet. (n.) A net that statezmen want to be kawt in. Kanalized. (part.) Reorganized. Karnagie. (n.) Modern or simplified form of the wurd formerly ritten "car- nage." Klub. (n.) A weppun. Obsoleet sintz the appearance uv the Big Stik. Magazeen. (n.) A publikashun wherein earnest young mukrakers annountz in deffenin detonashunz elementary faktz in sivil guvernment. Pass, Raleroad. (n.) Obsoleet. That which waz, but iz not. Peace, (n.) A dezirable ideal which some people think should be reached by disbanding our army and navy. Otherz think it kan be attained by abol- ishing our foreign mishunz. Resiprosity. (n.) Getting sumthing for nuthing. Stand Pat. (n.) A turm which sometimez meenz to get a pat on the bak, and at otherz a jolt in the nek. Tafter. (n.) One who bekomes engaged to marry. See Longworth, Sherley and KoKRAN. The last was in reference to the engagements of three Con- gressmen, Nicholas Longworth, Sw^ager Sherley and Bourke Cochran, all of whom accompanied Secretary Taft on a trip to the Philippines. Among a large number of "wise sayings " contained in the book were the following: THE BIG CANAL 173 Oh, immunity, what fines are remitted in thy name! A vote deferred bringeth the Big Stick. Two good terms deserve another. The Big Stick never strikes twice in the same place. It doesn't have to. One touch of Carnegie makes the whole world grin. A Roosevelt by any other name would spell as neat. Cuba was then giving this government a great deal of trouble, and a skit upon that subject began when a member impersonating Secretary Taft came in with a stove that looked very hot and announced that it was the Cuban situation which he intended to leave on the steps of the White House. When "Taft" left, there was a controversy as to what should be done with the "situation," and finally it was decided that Judge Charles E. Magoon should be detailed to sit on the hd. A member personating Magoon was placed on the stove and while occupying that uncomfortable position was beset by Cubans demanding liberty, offices, money, etc. Various "lame ducks," who had been defeated in the congressional elections, were brought in and suggested as substitutes for Magoon and rejected. It ended finally in an explosion of fire-crackers in the stove, the running away of "Magoon," the reappearance of "Taft" as a fireman, who put out the fire, and restored the confidence of "Magoon." Then the real Taft was brought forward and a placard hung on him bearing the words "Administration Fireman." Secretary Taft then made his speech. President Roosevelt had been making many shifts in his Cabinet and this was the theme of a series of White House bulletins during the dinner. They would announce a number of shifts and changes, new appointments, and restoration of men who had gone to other places. Each bulletin concluded with the words so often emanating from the White House, "The President states that no further Cabinet changes are 174 GRIDIRON NIGHTS contemplated." Then the music committee would sing, to the tune of He^s a Jolly Good Fellow: No more cabinet changes, No more cabinet changes. No more cabinet changes. Till Roosevelt changes his mind. That the Panama canal dinner had brought about results was shown by a few references in the dinner nine months later. President Roosevelt had visited the canal, as these lines from one of the songs indicate: Our President to Panama sailed in a warship big, To see what progress had been made, and watch the workmen dig. Shonts, Stevens and the rest of them all got a hustle on. But they dropped their shovels, spades and picks, the moment he was gone. He sailed right in and turned around, then sailed right home again. His trip across the isthmus strip, took him only hours ten. He asked his questions on the fly, and scarcely stopped to say good-by. He sailed right in and turned around, then sailed right home again. The Gridiron Club picked William H. Taft as the succes- sor of Roosevelt at this dinner. There w^as a reference to Secretary Root as the "heir apparent," and Fairbanks and Shaw were mentioned, but different allusions showed that the members of the Club thought Taft was the man. "Waiting for Teddy's Shoes," was a refrain of the song they sang for the Secretary of War, one verse of which ran: He is with us tonight and just spoiling To prove his weight. The political pot's a-boiling And the farmer pays the freight. He pushes railroads to lower the rate; Mixes senatorial stews; Raises ructions in Ohio state — Waiting for Teddy's Shoes. And most of the members of the Club w^ere on very intimate terms with Roosevelt. Perhaps they knew. THE BIG CANAL 175 The "tennis cabinet" had its roast that night, and was utilized for the initiation of C. Arthur Williams of the Houston Post and Charles Willis Thompson of the New York Times, There was a meeting of various persons dressed in tennis clothes. A discussion arose as to possibilities for the vacancies in the tennis cabinet and their qualifications were discussed. Several were rejected for different reasons, some because they would give the President real advice, one because he might disturb Jimmy Garfield, another because he couldn't talk French to the Ambassador, and finally Williams and Thompson were ad- mitted because of praise they had bestowed upon Roosevelt in their correspondence. The joke of it was that both had been particularly severe in the way they wrote of the President. The skit closed with this song of the tennis cabinet: Oh, how our hearts do swell When we hear the White House bell; Oh, how we run pell mell, Almost every day. How our hearts expand, you bet, When promotion we all get. For we're the tennis cabinet. Every blessed day. There were many prominent guests at the dinner, the usual array of American statesmen, besides the Ambassadors of Italy, England, Russia and Japan. Big business was represented by E. H. Harriman, Stuyvesant Fish and others. Mr. Harri- man was called on for a speech and he "talked at" President Roosevelt. He talked as Big Business felt at that time and did not mince his words. He utilized some of the skits of the Club as a masque, or rather to show that it was a night when the bridle was off, when no one could take offense, and then for about five minutes told the President things that could have been uttered nowhere else. There were members of the Club who rather resented the lecture to the Chief Magistrate at a Gridiron dinner, but others felt that the President could 176 GRIDIRON NIGHTS take care of himself in his reply. And he did by poking fun at the magnate, treating Harriman's remarks in a jocular manner, and turning off the incident as if it had been of little im- portance. "Roosevelt, you can make all our dreams come true," was the refrain of the song which Herndon Morsell sang to introduce the President. *' That's one great trouble,*' remarked the President. *'Too many people are expecting me to make their dreams come true and are not relying upon themselves." It was the year of the "Brownsville incident." Colored soldiers of the 25th Infantry had shot up Brownsville, Texas, and not one of them would tell who were the guilty parties. President Roosevelt dismissed the entire battalion. It created a sensation at the time and there were echoes of it for months. It was handled at the Gridiron dinner. An old colored man came to the door seeking John Corwin, and Corwin brought him in to the dinner, saying he wanted to see the President. "I'se an old nigger from down Tuskegee way," said the old man. *'I was up here and heard the President was here, so I came in here to see him. I'se surely interested in dat man. I had a boy in dem colored troops down at Brownsville, but I 'spect he's on his way home now. Say, is Lt. Colonel Garling- TON here? I'd like to see him, too; I'se got a reception for him." And he pulled out one of those big pieces of pocket artillery which the James- Younger gang had made famous. Col. Garlington was the officer who made the report upon which was based the dismissal of the battalion of colored troops. *'An' de Vice-President is here," went on the old negro, "and all dem ambassadors, an' senators, an' representatives, an' financial kings, an' a few dat ain't so high up in de deck. Say, John Corwin, how come you associating with dese people here? Foh de lawd's sake! You ain't so far down dat you's gone into politics, is you? Why, I remember — " "This man is fooling us," broke in Sam Blythe. "He isn't from Tuskegee at all. He's Lew Dockstadder." THE BIG CANAL 177 "Well, if he's Lew Dockstadder he had better sing," said President Fearn, and the skit ended with a song by Dock- stadder. But the Brownsville incident was not closed. It passed off innocently enough that time, but it blazed forth in the Roose- VELT-FoRAKER affair at the next dinner. CHAPTER XIX FAMOUS ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT Imperialism" of the Administration Portrayed and the President Shows His Displeasure — Hit at Taft's Uncertain Frame of Mind — Cushman-Bede Humor Contest — Undesirable Citizens' Association — Na- ture Faking — The Fairbanks Cocktail — Lecture FOR New Senators — Gov. Johnson of Minnesota Makes a Remarkable Impression. P RESIDENT ROOSEVELT was not at all pleased with the main feature of the dinner of the Gridiron Club in January, 1907, — that is, the main feature as staged, or the other, wholly impromptu, which goes down in history as the Roosevelt-Foraker Incident — with a capital /. Samuel G. Blythe of the New York World was President of the Club and he introduced the Ohio Senator at the psychological moment to produce fireworks. Mr. Roosevelt had been President six years, growing in power with the people, but like all Presidents, making enemies among the Senators and Representatives of his own party in Congress. It was known that he would name his successor in the White House. He had an imperious manner in dealing with the leading men of the country, and hence the imperialism stunt as a Gridiron picture of the times. The Big Incident was as unexpected as it was start- ling, and has become a milestone in the annals of the Club. It would have been an interesting dinner without either event. The souvenir was an illustrated booklet "Who's Who," prepared by a committee of which Richard V. Oulahan was chairman and illustrated by C. K. Berryman. Guests to the number of forty were remembered in the cartoons, with a jingle or limerick accompanying each picture. Those relating to Presi- dent Roosevelt, Mr. Bryan, Senator Foraker, Gen. Porter, Senator Beveridge and Mr. Morgan are samples of the volume. 178 ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 179 Roosevelt 'I'm busy with things night and day," A Rough Rider was once heard to say, "Writing views, singing tunes. Killing bears, firing coons, Or composing an old Irish lay." Bryan If at first you don't succeed. Run, run again. Show you're of a racing breed, Run, run again. Though you may not clear the fence. When election strife's intense. Take a brace and four years hence. Run, run again. 180 GRIDIRON NIGHTS FORAKEH "All coons look alike to me," J. B. FoRAKER, says he, says he, "Even if they is black as kin be. An' is dressed in blue or yaller khaki. All coons look alike to me, Since 'mancipation set 'em free, Nigger vote hold de balance, All coons look alike to me." Porter He's brave and he ne'er cried for quarter, But really we think that he oughter. Be certain those bones Are the late John Paul Jones, As sure as his name's Horace Porter. ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 181 Beveridge Said a busy political bee : "Fairbanks' honey is tasteless to me. For I really do think When it comes to sweet drink, Albert J. is the Beveridge for me." Morgan Though mergers are now com- ing thick, And railroads are purchased on tick, J. P. Morgan says, "Oh, What an amateur show! I'm the man who invented the trick!" 182 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Taft Said Harlan J. to Brewer J., "I'll wager 5 to 4 today That Taft will soon be don- ning robes And sitting here with the best of us." Said Brewer J. to Harlan J. : "I'm not so easy, nay, nay, nay! If Taft should sit upon the bench there'd Be no room for the rest of us." Casting shadows before, there was a short skit showing the necessity of enlarging the doors of the White House in order to admit Secretary Taft. There was also a dialogue skit which carried satirical refer- ence to a number of personages who were guests. The intro- duction of this skit was novel and pleasing. President Blythe announced that J. Pierpont Morgan had presented the Club with two priceless art treasures. He directed that they be brought in and shown to the guests. The lights went out for a moment and when they were turned up again there in front of the President two powdered heads on pedestals were observed. Philander C. Johnson of the Washington Star looked them over. "We have been deceived," he declared, hotly. "The expres- sion on this face is distinctly inhuman. As for the other, no man ever lived with a head like that!" "This young man Johnson seems to be a good art critic," remarked one head. "Has all the attributes of a professional," replied the other. Then it was observed that the heads were Bennett and CooLiDGE. Here are some of the remarks they made. ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 183 How did James Rudolph Garfield get in the cabinet? The President said Jimmie wanted it. Gen. Horace Porter is soon to have a place in the national museum. They want him to reconstruct pterodactyls and other things from fossil bones. Has he had any experience? Sure. He built a fine John Paul Jones out of a shin bone, a button and a sword hilt. Is Secretary Taft a candidate for the Presidency? Yes. Does he want to be Chief Justice? Yes. Does he want to remain at his present great work as Secretary of War? Yes. Has he a longing to return to private life? Yes. How do you know all these things? I read the statement he put out a few days ago. The last questions and answers referred to one of those might- mean-anything, guess-again statements which Secretary Taft had just made in regard to his future. Then there was the contest between J. Adam Bede of Minne- sota and Frank W. Cushman of Washington, as to which was the greatest humorist in the House of Representatives. Bede was called upon first and was followed by the man from the Pacific coast. *'I surrender at the outset," he said, '*for I find that my rival patronizes the old familiar almanac of the Cushman family." Then he went on with a screamingly funny speech. Ethan Allen Hitchcock, as Secretary of the Interior, had been particularly obnoxious to the Great West and had finally retired. *'When he resigned," said Cushman, *' there wasn't a dry throat west of the Mississippi." The shriek of laughter from the head of the table showed that President Roosevelt appreciated the hit as much as any man in the company. An imperial or centrahzation act was a travesty on Roose- veltism. An emperor played by Richard V. Oulahan held sway with pomp and much tinsel, depicting "the Empire ten years hence." He was addressed as "sire" and gave his orders 184 GRIDIRON NIGHTS like a czar. He was told that Great Britain was to send James Bryce, who on a recent trial did six-feet-four-inches at the pole vault, as Ambassador to his court. *'It's not enough. Seven feet or we won't receive him," said the Emperor. The French Ambassador was said to be out in the yard "putting the shot." "He must do better than he did yesterday or the treaty of alliance will not be signed," declared the ruler. J. P. Morgan and H. H. Rogers, impersonated by members of the Club, were brought in as tramps, and given jobs by the Emperor. There were a number of interesting and humorous sugges- tions during the act. A reference was made to William J. Bryan. "Bryan? Bryan? Who is he?" asked the Emperor. "The same who holds the railroad lines west of the Missis- sippi," was the reply. "Can we not crush him?" "He is made of india rubber, sire, and will not be crushed." "Who was the last President of the United States?" the Emperor asked at another time. "Theodore Roosevelt," replied a courtier. "Why didn't he become King?" "He said at a Gridiron dinner that he would not accept a third term, and the Supreme Court held his word was constitu- tional." "Was that a five-to-four decision?" "No, four-to-four." In many important cases the Supreme Court renders decisions by a narrow margin, and the five-to-four decisions are frequently the subject of ridicule. Although the "Empire" was dispelled and the act ended with the Star-Spangled Banner, Roosevelt knew he had been jabbed, and although not thin-skinned, it was evident that it hurt. Moreover, he did not like the appreciation of the skit shown by his enemies about the tables. Then Cliff Berryman, "the bearman," as Roosevelt called him, drew some cartoons. "Draw a picture of the man ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 185 the Senate loves best," he was commanded, and at once there appeared under his skilful hand the features of Roosevelt. "Draw a picture of the man the President loves best," was the next order, and Joseph Benson Foraker's face appeared. FoRAKER had been a strong supporter of Theodore Roose- velt. In 1903 when Hanna had presidential ambitions For- aker caused the Ohio convention to declare for Roosevelt. He supported the President until the railroad rate legislation was attempted by Roosevelt and from that time forward they became bitter opponents. The Brownsville affair of 1906 af- forded FoRAKER an opportunity to show his feelings. He espoused the cause of the dismissed colored soldiers, caused an investigation by the Senate and made it a national issue. It was in no pleasant frame of mind that Roosevelt rose to speak at the dinner. And when he touched on his relations with the Senate he expressed himself in vigorous language. Every- body became intensely interested when he talked at the Ohio Senator and defended his course in the Brownsville affair. FoRAKER did not look altogether pleased, and was scowling when the President concluded. "Now is the time to bridge the bloody chasm,'* remarked President Blythe; "I have the pleasure of introducing Senator FoRAKER." Sensation! as our French friends would say. In spite of club restrictions the papers discussed the inci- dent and many attempted to tell what took place. Within a few minutes after that forensic battle the dinner closed. As the guests of the Club mingled with many people in the corri- dors and in downstairs dining-rooms of the hotel they talked about the Roosevelt-Foraker tilt and it was soon known far and wide. There were bitter foes of Roosevelt at the dinner who delighted in telling others who were not there what had happened. All day Sunday nothing else was discussed by those who had an inkling of it. Monday morning the Washington Post published the following: "The tilt between the President and Senator Foraker at 186 GRIDIRON NIGHTS the Gridiron dinner on Saturday night cannot be ignored or silenced by Club etiquette. It was a battle royal." The same paper, quoting from "a gentleman who was present," published the following: ''From almost any point of view it was an unfortunate and regrettable occurrence. But for the fact that the matter has to all intents and purposes become public property I should not feel at liberty to say anything about it. Just how far the so-called proprieties must be observed in a case of this kind is an interesting question. "The encounter between the President and Senator Foraker was of such a nature as to take it out of the ordinary category of a private dinner. It was sensational in the extreme, and nothing like it has ever taken place before. "The responsibility for the unpleasant incident, must, in my opinion, rest with the President, for he started the ball rolling, so to speak. I can best describe the incident by liken- ing it to a battle in the prize ring. In the first round Mr. Roosevelt entered the arena wearing regulation boxing-gloves. He made a long speech, a very long speech for such an occasion. It was a condensation of his Japanese message and the Browns- ville message with copious utterances of his annual message to Congress at the opening of the session in December. There was nothing new or startling in all this and most of his auditors were able to check off his points in advance. However, toward the close Mr. Roosevelt veered around and touched up the Senate. He laid aside his soft gloves and put on a pair of the two-ounce kind. "He laid stress upon the Brownsville case and disdain- fully alluded to the 'academic discussion' that had taken place in that body (the Senate). He was striking at Senator Foraker then. Afterward he rapped J. Pierpont Morgan and Henry H. Rogers. Looking squarely at them he sounded what was intended to be a warning that they and other men representative of Wall street should not undertake to block the machinery he had set in motion and still had in contemplation. ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 187 "Morgan and Rogers flushed deeply while other guests squirmed in their seats. The course of the dinner was becoming interrupted. When the President concluded Mr. Blythe, the toastmaster, called on Senator Foraker for a reply, for he evidently felt that since there were many Senators present and the Ohio man had been the target of some of Mr. Roosevelt's shafts, it was an appropriate thing to call upon him. "The Senator blandly accepted the President's challenge. Personally I believe he would not have selected such a time or place for a tilt with the President, but as he had been attacked he had the right to defend himself. I have heard Mr. Foraker in the Senate on many occasions, but I have never seen him appear to better advantage than he did on Saturday night. He was truly eloquent and he gave the President the plainest talk that I ever listened to. I did not look at his hands, but I think he had on one-ounce gloves. His blows were hard and landed with great force. To the Ohio Senator the President of the United States looked the same as any other individual and was only a citizen. "He first told Mr. Roosevelt that he would discover by the time the Senate concluded its investigation of the Browns- ville case that the discussion in the Senate had been more than academic, and volunteered to predict that the results would prove it. Then he read the President a lecture which those who heard will never forget. It was one of the most complete and effective excoriations I have ever heard. He declared with great dramatic effect that his oath of office was as sacred to him as the President's was to him, and no preachments from the White House were essential to the performance of his duty as a Senator. He gradually worked up to a splendid climax, de- claring with arms outstretched toward the President: "'No one in this country ever loved the President more than I did. No one ever fought harder for him or more loyally. That was when he was in the right; in the wrong I have opposed him and shall always do so. That is the way I see my duty to my conscience, my constituents and my country, and I am glad 188 GRIDIRON NIGHTS I am able to say this in the presence of the distinguished Chief Magistrate. The people of my own State know I do my duty as I see it, and they know, as I myself have told them, that they can retire me if they believe I have a misconception of it.' "The President chafed under the pointed and courageous words of the Ohio Senator, and would have interrupted him but for the restraining hand of the toastmaster. Finally when the Senator finished the President jumped to his feet and struck back, but he did not have time nor could he find words to retort effectively. He was mad clear through when he declared, be- tween clenched teeth, that the only way the Brownsville battal- ion could get justice was at the White House, and that the Senate could not mete it out to the discharged negroes because the power lay with him and him alone." When President Blythe opened the Gridiron dinner in December, 1907, he said: *'I met a new and pompous statesman, and he said to me: *Tell me, what are the aims and objects of the Gridiron Club?* *'*The aims and objects of the Gridiron Club are identical,* I replied. 'We strive to prevent persons like you from taking themselves too seriously.' "Tonight we end the twenty-second year of this great and glorious work, with a record unparalleled and unique, of heads reduced in size and chests pushed back to normal." And later in the evening the point was further illustrated by a lecture to new senators. Mingo Saunders, the colored Sergeant with a quarter of a century of service in the Army, and who, as a member of the 25th Infantry, had been dismissed on account of the Browns- ville affair, was personated at the Gridiron dinner in December. President Roosevelt did not attend, but the doings of the administration were burlesqued in various skits. Mingo came to attend a meeting of the "Undesirable Citizens' Association." FoRAKER, Harriman, and Rogers also came. Harriman was handed a petition from John F. Wallace, former engineer of ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 189 the Panama Canal, Henry M. Whitney, Mrs. Maria Storer and a few others, who desired membership. "Huh, them's cheap Ananias Club folks; they ain't in our class," remarked Mingo. As William E. Chandler appeared he was asked if he was a member of the Association. "I have taken every White House degree, and belong to all the clubs organized by the President," replied Chandler. "I trust you have said your prayers, Mingo," said John D. Rockefeller as he came in. *"Deed I has, boss," was the reply. *'I'se been prayin' dat I might be as lucky as Booker Washington, but my number hasn't come out yet." A large phonograph on a nearby table began in a Roose- veltian voice to grind out the words: "Undesirable citizens," "wilful falsifiers," "malefactors of great wealth," "sheer inven- tions," "criminal rich," "shorter and uglier word," "no swoUer fortunes." 190 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'Our master's voice," said the members in chorus, and im- mediately departed. "Nature faking" had been denounced in unmeasured terms by the President, and the class in nature faking produced some astonishing results. The class had a running discussion going from one thing to another. Mother Goose and Santa Glaus were declared to be the greatest of nature fakers. *' George B. Cortelyou, Secretary of the Treasury, has succeeded Santa Glaus," remarked one member. "Who said so?" asked another. "The New York bankers," was the reply. Secretary Gortelyou had just gone to the rescue of the banks with a large amount of money to stop the panic of 1907. "Some one told me the clearing-house certificates were nature fakes," was a remark. "No, they are financial fakes," was the reply. "The old woman who lived in her shoe, and had so many children she didn't know what to do, was a Mother Goose fake," said a member. "Yes, but in these days she would have gone to the White House," was the response. "Aren't cuckoos nature fakes?" was asked. "There ain't any now," was the reply. "They belonged to Cleveland's time. We call them Jonathan Bournes now." "Was that story coming from Bourne's dinner about a five-million-dollar conspiracy to defeat the President true?" some one queried. "That is for the class in physiology," was the reply. "Oh, the cocktail's a friend of mine," sang the music com- mittee to Vice-President Fairbanks and he was given an enor- mous cocktail with a lemon in it in place of the olive. In that way the Gridiron Club embalmed in history the cocktail incident. Out in Indianapolis the Vice-President gave a luncheon to the President. An oflBcious friend looked into the dining-room before the guests arrived. "Great guns! no cocktails," he exclaimed. Nor could he find the makings, so grabbing a telephone he got ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 191 into communication with a barkeep and very soon the cock- tails were on the table. And that started the cocktail story. And it prevented Fairbanks, who never touches a drop of liquor and consequently never was under its influence, from being elected a delegate to the big Methodist conference. As an illustration of the way in which the Gridiron Club does things, showing that it has not very much reverence for high position, half a dozen new Senators were brought up on a little stage in front of the President and were told something about their duties. Henry Hall performed this service, to the amusement of everybody present, with the exception of the men who were receiving his advice. "Gentlemen," he said, "you have just become members of the highest legislative body on earth — in the estimation of people who live ten miles from Washington." Then he told them that the people in Washington didn't quite share in that opinion. Mr. Hall went on: "It will be some time before you will be permitted to take part in the affairs of the Senate. Meanwhile you can sit around and watch how the thing is done. Those of you who are Re- publicans will be required to go twice a week at least to the White House and renew your allegiance. The Democrats must at stated intervals solemnly declare that William Jennings Bryan is the only logical candidate for the Presidency — hav- ing been twice defeated already." They were advised not to get too violent against the corpora- tions and were reminded that there was an election approach- ing and corporations might be necessary. They were also told that their respective leaders would tell them how to vote. The riding tests for Army officers which had been ordered by Roosevelt received notice when half a dozen stout mem- bers on hobby horses traversed the hall, betraying much pain and tribulation. Oklahoma, for whom Roosevelt had done so much, bounded in with two Democratic senators and four Democratic repre- sentatives. "Anything else.?" was asked. "Yes," repHed Okla- 192 GRIDIRON NIGHTS homa, "I can promise seven electoral votes for Bryan next fall." John Corwin, disguised as a Japanese wrestler, appeared at one stage of the dinner. He was proclaimed as Hitchayama, the celebrated athlete of Japan. He hoped to meet the Presi- dent for a friendly bout, but not finding him there was willing to try any other guest. Half a dozen men were mentioned but declined. Hitchayama expressed his disgust to find so many mollycoddles present, and with a profound bow to the Japanese Ambassador he stalked out. James P. Hornaday of the Indianapolis Neios was initiated as a member of the Club, affording an opportunity to play upon the existing political differences in Indiana and to call attention to the literary people of the state. Hornaday's alleged dis- patches were quoted showing that Senator Beveridge was working hopefully for the nomination of Fairbanks. The fol- lowing Indiana literary lights endorsed Hornaday: Booth Tarkington, Tom Taggart, Ida Tarbell, George Ade, Ben Shively, James Whitcomb Riley, Fred Landis, Charley Landis, Judge Landis, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, Blue Mountain Landis, Green Mountain Landis, Rocky Moun- tain Landis, Appalachian Chain Mountain Landis, and some others. Gov. John A. Johnson of Minnesota was a guest at the dinner and made one of those remarkable hits which are as welcome as they are unexpected. He was introduced after a song which ended with the words, "Poor John; Poor John," supposed to have been uttered by William J. Bryan when told that Johnson had Presidential ambitions. "Who knows," asked the Governor, when he arose, "but what it may be 'Poor Bill' when the convention is over.'*" And then followed one of the best speeches that had been heard at a Gridiron dinner in a decade. It bubbled with wit and sparkled with humor. It was not too long and every sentence was a gem. He re- ceived an ovation at the close and when the dinner was over. Club members and guests thronged about him to be introduced ROOSEVELT-FORAKER INCIDENT 193 and congratulate him. And yet it turned out as the Gridiron Club sang. It was "Poor John," for Bryan was invincible in the convention, while the brilliant Governor lived but a short time. If he had been alive and in health in 1912 there might have been a different story at Baltimore. At the next dinner the guests enjoyed a tilt between Taft and Bryan, who were picked by the Gridiron Club as winners at the conventions to be held that year. CHAPTER XX CAMPAIGN OF 1908 OVERSHADOWED BY ROOSEVELT Paragorical Pinafore Presented by the Club as a Hit at Doctors ln Command of Ships — The Fleet Starts Around the World — Campaign Song Book — Hint at Roosevelt's Candidacy in 1912 — President and Vice-President, President-elect and Vice-President- elect All at a Dinner — What to Do with an Ex- President; Almost a Prophecy — In the Jungles of Africa. PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT had issued two important Navy orders which were featured at the Gridiron dinner in January, 1908. One was the order sending the big battleship fleet around the world, and the other ordering a surgeon of the Navy to the command of a ship. It was true that it was a hospital ship, but the line of the Navy rose in wrath — as far as they dared — and Rear-Admiral Brow^nson was forced to retire from the head of the Bureau of Navigation because of his differences with the President on this matter. Paragorical Pinafore was the title of a musical skit written by Philander C. Johnson of the Washington Star, and one of the best musical hits the Club has produced. Officers from the good ship Esculajpius, with diplomas from medical colleges, sang Pinafore songs. Dick Deadeye sang about the "merry doctor and the tar." Officers were advised to include in their course of navigation liver pills and porous plasters. Then there was "Little Cut-em-up" with a basket of supplies for the sailormen, which consisted of medicine, surgical instruments, squills, sooth- ing sirup, bandages, and remedies of various kinds. Admiral Trixey (Dr. RixEY was Surgeon General and Roosevelt's close personal friend) appeared as "the boy who had served a 194 THE CAMPAIGN OF 1908 195 term as office boy in a druggists' firm." He asserted that the way to keep a ship secure was to "feel its pulse and take its temperature." Aspirants for naval commands were advised to "study their calomel and flaxseed tea, if they wanted to be rulers of the big navee." Three old shell-back sailors imper- sonated by Blythe, Coolidge and Bennett, appeared and told of the visit of President Roosevelt to Hampton Roads when he reviewed and bade good-by and good luck to the fleet under the command of Rear-Admiral Bob Evans as it sailed out the Capes on its world tour. "Fine bunch of passengers on board tonight," remarked one old tar. "Reminds me when I was on the Constitution two years ago — " "Two years ago," interrupted another, "why there ain't been no Constitution for seven years." "What were Admiral Evans' orders?" "They weren't orders; they were prescriptions." "What was the wireless message the President sent to the Admiral.?" "*Keep your feet cool and your quinine dry.'" "Did you hear the President's last words to the Admiral when he was on the flagship?" "'Bob,' said the President, 'Bob — ' "'Don't call me Bob,' said Evans, 'call me Doc.'" Every one of the hits amused Mr. Roosevelt. Humor that didn't prick or criticize, even though it was at his own expense, or based on what he did as President, always seemed to please him. The inauguration ceremony of inducting President James S. Henry into office was interrupted as he was making his address, by "newsboys" with the "Court Journal" containing the al- leged address. This publication had William Loeb as censor. The address was Rooseveltian in many things. One of the 196 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *' censored paragraphs," but which could be read, as it only had a Hue drawn through it, was prophetic. It said: "N. B. Bourne's one-thousand dollar prize for the best essay in favor of a third term is withdrawn temporarily, but will be renewed after an interval of four years." Jonathan Bourne, who had been a persistent third-termer, and a number like him, had caused Roosevelt to reiterate in a positive manner his decision not to be a candidate for another term. The souvenir of the dinner was a Gridiron Campaign Song Book prepared under the direction of Scott C. Bone, chairman of the Menu Committee, with pictures by Berryman and songs to fit the men who were candidates or at least had hopes for recognition before the coming conventions. There were many men actually candidates or mentioned for President that year. On the Republican side besides Taft there were Fairbanks, Hughes, Knox, Cannon, La Follette, Cortelyou and For- aker; while besides Bryan on the Democratic side were John- son, Gray, Parker, Folk, Harmon and Hearst. As may be inferred from the first cartoon it was believed, although Fairbanks stood high, that the large gentleman in the background would get away with the nomination. A few selections show the Gridiron idea of the prominent men who were mentioned that year: Fairbanks' battle song Air; A Warrior Bold Like the knights of old the delegates bold For Fairbanks came that day; And Hoosiers all, both short and tall. Sang merrily this lay; Sang merrily this lay; Om* candidate is great. The tallest in the State, His hands are clean and his heart is straight And none with him can rate. Indiana's Favorite Son PULL, BRYAN, PULL Air : Pull for the Shore Light in the darkness, Bryan, Den-ver is near. Sixteen to one is busted. Still you are here. Three times you'll try it, Bryan, And then some more. While you talk no other man Can pull for the shore. WANDERING WILLIE Air: Billy Boy Oh, where have you been, Billy Taft, Billy Taft ? Oh, where have you been, Uttle Willie ? I have been around the map. With eloquence on tap That would knock the late Demosthenes quite silly. Where will you travel next, Billy Taft, Billy Taft? Where will you travel next, little Willie ? To Chicago-by-the-Lake, But if I do not mistake The road to there seems full of bumps and hilly. JUST AS OF YORE Air; How Can I Leave Thee How can I leave thee. My presidential boom," Sings William Randolph Hearst, Brave 'mid his gloom. If I should get the plum I would be going some, I'd make the old town hum Just as of yore." hughes' hopes Air: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot Swing low, sweet chariot. You'll have to if you're after me; Swing low, sweet chariot, For I'm lying low, you see. 202 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Although many presidential candidates were mentioned everybody knew that Taft and Bryan were the real contenders and that they would be nominated. President Roosevelt set at rest all talk about himself at that dinner in an emphatic manner, saying that he meant what he said. "It is time for another man to take his trick at the wheel," said the President, and everybody knew he had selected Taft for that "trick." So we had Taft and Bryan at the dinner and, in a way, their speeches indicated that they knew they would be rivals in the great race. They met during the campaign at a dinner in Chi- cago, w^hen the enterprising people of that city brought them together. But that meeting was a tame affair compared to the night in January when these men good-naturedly, but none the less earnestly, exchanged compliments across the Gridiron. It was rather a remarkable gathering that the guests of the Club saw seated under the electric gridiron at the dinner of December, 1908. On the right of President Henry were the President and the President-elect of the United States; on his left the Vice-President and the Vice-President-elect. Besides, there were many other distinguished persons present. The approaching African hunt of President Roosevelt and a clean-up of the campaign just ended were features of the dinner. Soon after the dinner began there was an after-the- battle roll call and a very dismantled company appeared and answered to their names. These comprised men who had barely escaped and were severely wounded in the conflict. The "lost" were accounted for in several ways. William J. Bryan "was among the missing." The steam-roller, which had been operated so successfully at the Chicago convention, was fea- tured as a souvenir, also as a part of the "college yell" of the campaign. When President-elect Taft was invited to the dinner, he rather emphatically remarked that he was getting tired of being put up against Bryan, and if anything like that was in con- templation he would not attend. But when told that his rival THE CAMPAIGN OF 1908 203 in the race had engagements which would not permit him to be present Mr. Taft accepted. He saw a Harvard college club perform a number of stunts in which he figured. He also had a little taste of what was coming by reference to his love of golfing. The speech of Mr. Taft that night will long be re- membered by the Gridiron men on account of his commendation of the custom of the Club to briefly memoriahze its deceased members. One of these who had joined the majority was a warm personal friend of the President-elect. "What to do with an ex-President," was the keynote of the initiation skit in which Leroy T. Vernon of the Chicago News, Edwin M. Hood of the Associated Press, and William S. Couch of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, figured as three enter- prising journalists sent abroad to see what demand there was for strenuous rulers. Their reports were interesting. One re- ported from China that the Manchu Dynasty was tottering to its fall. ''China needs another Confucius," Prince Chun had told him, *'a press-agent ruler who could whip the opposition to a frazzle; one with a spear who knows no brother; who treads softly and carries a big stick." Another was direct from Constantinople. "Abdul was most gracious," he reported. "'A more vigorous boss for us,' said that much harassed ruler. 'The Balkans slip away; another Sulieman the Magnificent is needed. One who will make Alexander, Caesar, Peter the Hermit, and Richard the Lion-Hearted look like four lead dimes. The new one must be a trust buster of high degree. May he live a thousand years!'" This is written in August, 1914. The date is set down in order to show the almost prophetic utterances of the man who came from Germany and was said to be the confidant of the Kaiser. "Hell's popping in Germany, all right," he began. "A revolution is on. 'Our troubles,'" so Wilhelm told him, "'have come from my people expecting too much. Never in all history was there room for more than one C^sar to be- 204 GRIDIRON NIGHTS stride the world like a Colossus. Strenuously have I tried to be that one. I have given my people the majesty of Frederick the Great, the blood and iron of Bismarck, and the military genius of Von Moltke. I have composed waltzes and ballads, sailed a yacht and formed a battle line. I have tried to swim a creek in midwinter, and climb a jutting mountain crag. My wildest feats of horsemanship suffer by comparison. All my efforts, including my discussion of social and international ques- tions, have brought howls of derision from my people. What secret of success has the greatest ruler of all time.^ Gladly would I surrender to him my scepter and my reichstag.'" A little tent was set up on the stage directly in front of the President. From it came the sounds of rapid typewriting alter- nated with the discharge of a gun. Then a voice in imitation of Roosevelt would discuss natural history and tell about the wild animals which were brought down by the shots. Roose- velt's hunt in Africa was being burlesqued. As the typewriter rattled a cash register machine checked off the dollars that were being accumulated. That was a part of the skit which the President did not like. "There's not another Roosevelt in the world like you," was the refrain of a song to the President, one verse and the chorus of which follow: If in a speech you want to preach, To help the human race; If on a tramp through waters damp, You lead a merry chase; If far away you go to slay The lion in its lair; Whate'er you do we say to you. You beat them everywhere. There's not another Roosevelt in the world like you. You paint the whole horizon a bright red hue; There's not a stunt one thinks of you would not do; There's not another Roosevelt in the world like you. THE CAMPAIGN OF 1908 205 Good-by, Roosevelt, good-hy; you re going to leave us noio was another song to the President. But it was not good-by. He was at another dinner, the last he has ever attended. And he did not Hke the manner in which the Club handled one of his pet schemes, but that was not his real reason for keeping away from Gridiron dinners after he left the White House. CHAPTER XXI GOOD-BY TO A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT Many Jolts for Roosevelt — Differences Between Presi- dent AND Congress Furnish Amusing Topics — Secret Service Espionage — T. R. Resents Burlesque of His Homes Commission — H2O Almanac — Said Andrew Carnegie: "Aboolish the Tariff." A "BIG STICK" was presented to Henry Hall of the Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegraph, as his symbol of authority when, as President of the Gridiron Ckib, he opened the dinner of January, 1909. President Roosevelt and Vice-Presi- dent Fairbanks each received a big bronze Gridiron, a token which we give to those who have been favorite guests and who are about to leave us for a long time. Notwithstanding this dinner was the real good-by to Roosevelt he was handed a number of severe jolts. Mr. Roosevelt announced that he would not attend another. There were protests on every side, but he reiterated his inten- tion. "Washington is no place for ex-Presidents," he declared. And we could well believe that he would not be present at a function in the National Capital where he might be relegated to second place. Differences between the White House and Congress were in evidence. As Roosevelt was going out after seven and a half years of bossing Congress, many senators and representa- tives felt independent and were showing their teeth — meta- phorically, not physically, as did the President. It was about that time that a considerable rumpus was raised in Congress about the secret service which was said to be used by the ad- ministration to such an extent as to threaten the liberties of the people. Chairman Tawney of the House appropriations com- mittee, charged that members of Congress were under espionage by secret service men. Roosevelt rather encouraged the idea 206 A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT 207 and remarked that no doubt the records would make interesting reading, and a great many Congressmen became very much frightened. And so at this dinner when Roosevelt said good-by a musical feature on detectives was produced. At one stage appeared a number of members, with masks, dark lanterns and other adjuncts of secret service men. They finally encountered a policeman who wanted to know what they were doing. "Ha!" said one, pointing to a particularly distinguished looking character, "that's old Blinkerton. He and his bunch are trying to find out what Congressmen do with their $7,500 salaries. We are secret service men." "Secret service!" said the policeman scornfully. "Why you couldn't pass the civil service. You couldn't spell sleuth!" "Oh, yes, I can," was the reply. "Listen," and the detec- tive, Herndon Morsell, sang a few verses with this chorus: Sleuth! sleuth! I want to be a sleuth; 'Twas my ambition from my early youth To make myself unpleasant by discovering the truth, S-1-e-u-t-h spells sleuth. "And now to business," said Blinkerton. "Chief Bilkie, have you detected any counterfeiters.'*" "No," was the reply, "but I have discovered a few four- flushers." "And you. Monsieur Lecoq, have you discovered any second story men in Congress?" "No," was the mournful response, "they are telling the same old stories." Then the big policeman, John H. Nolan, sang a song to the tune of the Pirates of Penzance, with these words: When our chief executive is executin' Executin', Some project that he thinks too long deferred. Long deferred, He will not indulge in language hifalutin', Hifalutin', 208 GRIDIRON NIGHTS If he thinks he needs a brief and ugly word, Ugly word. When in every message dynamite is lurking, 'Mite is lurking. If you must dodge it isn't any fun, Any fun. When Roosevelt's typewriter gets to working. Gets to working, A committee's job is not a happy one, Happy one, When they try to get T. R. upon the run. Upon the run, A committee's job is not a happy one, Happy one. Then came Philander Johnson with black face as the white- wash man. "I'se de most important man in de whole investi- gatin' business," he said. "Every time there is an investigation there must be a whitewash man to fix up those who have been cotched." This remark had reference to many investigations in which everybody had been exonerated on all counts. The bitter feeling between the President and Congress was further emphasized by "war bulletins" which proclaimed the progress of the contest. "White House gunners loading 12-inch guns with special messages," read one. "Owing to simplified spelling they are terrible missiles. Tawney, Fitzgerald and Smith shrieking. Dozens of enormous messages thrown into the Capitol trenches; machine guns keep up a merciless rain of *I's,* * musts,* *shalls,' and 'wont's.' View of battlefield shows tons of language fired on both sides." There was nothing in these quips to disturb President Roose- velt. He enjoyed them as much as any other guest, but finally something occurred that ruflfled his temper. It was a burlesque on his Homes Commission. That Commission was one created by the President on his own initiative and was sent over a portion of the country to investigate and report upon the condition of the people, but the farmers in particular. The Gridiron skit represented a number of farmers at a corner store, A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT 209 who were interviewed by the Commission. With biting sarcasm the "uplift" work was ridiculed. The Commission was shown as impractical city folk, asking absurd questions and making equally absurd suggestions to the rural residents, while the latter replied in terms of scorn. President Roosevelt didn't like it. He was not mentioned, but in making his pet commission ridiculous the Club had roiled him. And he was very caustic in striking back. He sincerely believed there was something in that commission and did not want it laughed out of existence. But that is what happened. Congress immediately took steps to legislate so that expenses of such commissions could not be paid and that government employes could not be used to do clerical work for them. One of the last official acts of Mr. Roosevelt, when approving the appropriation bill containing this legislation, was to attach to the measure an excoriation of the men responsible. There were echoes of the Homes Commission later. Some- how its report was published as a government document and it was then found that persons had taken advantage of the publica- tion to add a lot of matter as an appendix, some of which was what newspapers call "unfit to print." It was not allowed to go through the mails and was withdrawn as a public document. There was still another echo of this legislation: James A. Tawney and Walter I. Smith, members of the House who were responsible for the legislation denounced by Roosevelt, were soon afterward appointed to good federal positions by Mr. Taft. Three new members were initiated and each did or said something that touched on the Roosevelt administration. Jewell H. Aubere of the St. Louis Globe-Democrat came be- cause he had an invitation from the President of the Ananias Club. Louis W. Strayer of the Pittsburgh Dispatch sought admission because he wanted to hear the President tell how dearly he loved Congress. Harris M. Crist of the Brooklyn Eagle came as a reporter and was caught in the act of securing a copy of an alleged speech to be delivered by H. H. Rogers 210 GRIDIRON NIGHTS that night. He read a few extracts, one of which said that "swollen fortunes must be taxed." Another stated that "Africa offers splendid possibiHties for permanent settlers who believe in the strenuous life." "Come back and rescue us from Kern and Shively," was the burden of a song directed at Vice-President Fairbanks, and purporting to be an appeal from the Republicans of Indiana. It was sung to the tune of On the Banks of the Wabash. The chorus ran: ^=^ Oh, the cocktails they are crowing in the morning; And the buttermilk is flowing through the hay; They are waiting the return of Mr. Fair- banks, On the banks of the Wabash, far away. The "Gridiron Almanac," particularly advertising H2O, was the souvenir of the dinner and the vehicle of much wit bearing on the times. It was the work of a menu committee of which Philander C. Johnson was chairman. The H2O wagon showed a lot of passengers on Jan. 1, but by March they had fallen off. A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT 211 E. H. Harriman in a testimonial said he "prescribed copious doses of your HoO in acute attacks of railway congestion, torpid bonds, and sluggish markets. It has not only afforded me complete relief, but had marked effect on my patients." Two months, January and February, were given in the 212 GRIDIRON NIGHTS calendar and four days in March. Where the remainder of this month should have been given were the words: *' After this there is no telling what will happen." At least four days in each month announced a message from President Roosevelt to Congress. For March 3 the announcement read: "Blizzard, T. R. preparing to leave the White House." And for March 4: "Taft day — Rain, sleet, snow, high winds, thunder and lightning." The "almanac" was published five weeks before that awful night of March 3 followed by the worse day of March 4, 1909, when Washington was the scene of one of the most severe storms of years. Willis L. Moore, chief of the weather bureau, a day before the inauguration predicted fair weather, while the Gridiron "almanac" five weeks before made an accurate predic- tion. AVe out-guessed the weather bureau. A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT 213 The following are some of the features of the almanac: PROVERBS The Big Stick is mightier than the Speaker's gavel. Be slow to anger but don't let the other fellow in first. A good name is better than riches. But good names for oflFending statesmen cannot always be mentioned in society. USELESS INFORMATION To preserve a good disposition: Do not attempt to talk back to a message from the White House. To remove freckles : Go into a combine against the Speaker of the House of Representatives and get skinned. It is not considered desirable to uplift a farmer so high that he cannot get back to earth by the time the mortgage is due. A reliable method of securing some good lawns is to lease your property to a golf club. To remove grease spots: Hang the garment up where the moths can get at it, and do not disturb. The tariff was to be revised by the new Taft administration. That was the declaration in the platform of 1908, and President- elect Taft had announced an extra session for the purpose. Already the Ways and Means Committee was at work with its hearings trying to find how the tariff affected the "ultimate consumer." The Gridiron Club took a hand in this work and with members representing Payne, Dalzell and Champ Clark, held a session, while other members representing men from different parts of the country were "heard" by the com- mittee. Every fellow wanted the tariff reduced on everything except the products of his section, but protection was absolutely necessary on all his stuff. An interesting witness was Andrew Carnegie, impersonated by a member. When he was called it was announced that "every time he gives away a dollar it sounds like a cookstove falling downstairs." When asked what he advised as to the tariff the canny Scot rephed: "Aboolish it!" 214 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The reply caused Dalzell deep pain. "What reason is there for a tariff on steel now that I have gone out of the business?" continued the substitute for Carnegie. "I've got mine, I've got mine!" John S. Shriver as the "ultimate consumer," after listening to all that was said quietly sneaked away, remarking, "As usual I get it in the neck." The last song to President Roosevelt had this chorus: Roosevelt, Roosevelt, A very good Dutch name; Roosevelt, Roosevelt, A name for the hall of fame, Big stick, you know it. Now, we say good-by. There never was a man named Roosevelt That wasn't a darn fine President. A STRENUOUS PRESIDENT 215 And that was the last time we roasted Theodore Roosevelt and listened to his lecture. It was not such a sad parting. After seven years many members had concluded that he had been featured long enough. And besides everybody wanted a change, wanted something new. And didn't we get it! It did not take many weeks for the Gridiron Club to sense the change and it developed at the next dinner. CHAPTER XXII BEGINNING OF THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION Oh, What a Change! — The Club Senses the Difference, AND Makes a Forecast — The Taft Georgia Minstrels — First Appearance of Insurgents — Cook and Peary Discover the North Pole — Suffragettes Appear — Simple Food in Alaska — The Dream Book — Archie Butt. IT has ever been the custom of the Gridiron Club to give a dinner, not for a new administration, but soon after a new administration comes into power. Early in April, 1909, the new Taft administration was duly stamped and sealed with the Gridiron brand. There was much in that dinner that was a forecast of the administration. The initiation of Oscar King Davis of the New York Times and Thomas C. Notes of the Washington Star, furnished a vehicle to show which way the wind was blowing. Their names were sent to a mock "Senate" which went into executive session to consider them. The message announcing the nominations contained the gist of the great change which had taken place when the man whom Roose- velt had made President occupied Roosevelt's place. It read: To the Senate — My dear Aldrich : Fine golf weather we're having these days. P.S. — Tell Bailey and Tillman to drop in; haven't seen them for two days. P.S. — My special regards to Uncle Joe. P.S. — Expect Harriman as my house guest next week. P.S. — Have notified correspondents to turn in their White House latch keys. P.S. — African cables not working well; fix up the tarifiF to suit yourself and the boys. P.S. — Attached herewith you will find some nominations. Two in person; look them over. (Signed) Yours Truly, Bill. 216 THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION 217 It was a brief epitome of the new administration. There was "My dear Aldrich"; golf; the return of men to the White House who had been many years absent; Speaker Cannon taken into favor; "fix the tariff to suit yourself and the boys"; and the fact which had dawned upon the newspaper men in just one month, that they no longer had the swing at the White House as in the Roosevelt days. During the discussion of the candidates it was also developed that a newspaper man could not get past the new Secretary to the President. Altogether it was easy to see at a glance that there had been a radical change in the national administration. Among the bits of literature distributed was a big meal ticket issued to Senator Nelson W. Aldrich for the "White House Lunch," with every date from March 5 to the night of the dinner punched. Another slip of paper was a copy of a cold storage receipt for "18 crates and 5 barrels containing T. R.'s policies — storage prepaid for 8 years." The Taft Georgia minstrels (white) were a feature of the dinner. Marching Through Georgia was turned into ^'Eating Through Georgia.^* They marched into the dining-room to the stirring old tune which gets cheers in the North and hisses in the South. But this time the music committee of the Gridiron Club sang the following words, based upon the many banquets, luncheons, etc., which had been tendered Mr. Taft when as President-elect he spent the winter in Georgia: Sound the good old dinner horn, we'll sing another song. About the trip that Taft once made, when with digestion strong, He ate his share of everything that they would bring along As we went eating through Georgia. Hurrah, hurrah, we sound the jubilee; Hurrah, hurrah, 'twas something fine to see; We put away three meals a day And sometimes three times three. As we went eating through Georgia. 218 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The minstrels represented various persons in the Cabinet, the Senate and House of Representatives, One spoke of "dead languages" and said he referred to Presidential messages. Secretary of the Treasury MacVeagh was referred to as one of the 51 varieties of Democrats. A joke was made about the perpetual absence of Postmaster-General Hitchcock from his office; also about the failure of Ohio men to land good jobs under the new administration, particularly Arthur I. Vorys who had been such a pronounced Taft man from the beginning. There was the isuggestion at this dinner of the first appear- ance of insurgents. An insurgent was described by a minstrel as "one who bites at the famous Murdock-get-famous-quick, and gets out of it his picture in Collier s Weekhj, a reading notice in La Follette's Weekly, and a reputation as a martyr." Reference was made to many bills in Congress which had been urged by Presidents, endorsed by many commercial bodies, and demanded by the newspapers, but which never saw the light of day. This brought out the following effusion sung to Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep: Locked in a pigeon-hole for keejjs, Full many a bill so sweetly sleeps. In vain the storms about it rave 'Mongst Congressmen who won't behave. Appropriations for Squeedunk Get through while it lies in its bunk; But calm and peacefully it sleeps Locked in a pigeon-hole for keeps. President Taft had been given a cow and the White House cow was known far and wide. The cow came to the dinner — a stage cow, of course — and this inquiry was made of the member leading her: "What are you going to do with her?" "Milk her, of course," was the response; "that is what all the politicians are trying to do." About that time Cipriano Castro, who was out of a job as President of Venezuela, was giving some trouble. A member THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION 219 made up to look like him happened along just as a dispute arose over the animal, and Castro was made keeper of the AYhite House cow and led her away. This was the chorus of the song which introduced Mr. Taft on his first appearance at a Gridiron dinner as President of the United States: Can't we call him Bill now that he's President? Can't we call him Bill now any more? As we see him riding by With his head held up so high. Can't we greet him as in days of yore ? Can't we shake his hand and say, "Hello, Bill"? Will he turn us down and pass us o'er? Is he really quite intent On the "Mister President"? Tell us, can't we call him Bill any more? The guests at this dinner included nearly all the Cabinet ofiicers, besides the President and Vice-President, many senators and representatives, and newspaper publishers from all over the country. Gov. Thomas Riley Marshall of Indiana, afterward Vice-President, was a guest for the first time. The Brazilian Ambassador, Hon. Joaquim Nabuco was also a guest. The Ambassador had been a guest at different times, and had been so well entertained that when a distinguished journalist from Rio Janeiro, Mr. J. C. Rodrigues, came to Washington in May, 1909, Mr. Nabuco gave a dinner in honor of the Gridiron Club and his guest. It was an affair of importance, notably on account of the speeches made by the Ambassador, Vice-President Scott C. Bone of the Gridiron Club, Senator Elihu Root, and Mr. Rodrigues. "What have you to say about Dr. Cook's discovery of the North Pole?" "Very interesting if true." The question was asked and the answer given on the porch of a cottage at Beverly, Massachusetts, the day that the report 220 GRIDIRON NIGHTS was published about Dr. Cook's discovery. The question was asked by a Boston newspaper man and the reply was made by the President of the United States. He was just a bit skeptical about the Cook exploit. In December, 1909, President Taft saw Dr. Cook, Admiral Peary, Matt Henson, the dogs, sleds and other Arctic para- phernalia at the Gridiron dinner. They were impersonated, however. Ira E. Bennett of the Washington Post was the Admiral and Ed L. Keen of the United Press, the famous doctor. These were new members and the Cook-Peary controversy was presented in Gridiron form to initiate them. In imitation of the scientific inquiry as to the reliability of the claims of the rival discoverers, a "committee of eminent scientists" asked the impersonaters pointed questions, bearing less on Arctic conditions than on affairs right at home. One of the "explorers" said he had discovered Santa Claus, and proceeded to give a description of President Taft. He said he carried large and heavy packs which he furtively dropped from time to time. He knew they were heavy because they cracked the ice when they fell. Ex- amining these packs he found them marked: "From T. R. to W. H. T., My Policies." Dispatches from Africa signed Bwana TuMBO were also read, one of them denying the right of any board to settle the Peary-Cook dispute. "I shall settle this case myself," was the emphatic declaration. Another addressed to Peary and Cook said: "Understand you are both on the wait- ing list for membership in the Ananias Club. Why wait.^^ T. R." Woman suffrage had reached a point where the Gridiron Club thought it was worth a skit, and a dozen members disguised as suffragettes came into the dining-room. "Why do you come here.'^" asked President Hall. "This is a private dinner." "That's why we came," was the reply. "We always go where we are not wanted." In turn the suffragettes called upon Speaker Cannon, Senator Aldrich, Senator Beveridge and Postmaster-General Hitch- THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION 221 COCK, to declare themselves on the suffrage question, but each declined. The suffragettes were undaunted in their demands until a mouse put them to flight. Persons in public life who were having more or less trouble, were featured in a battle royal in the prize ring. Senators Aldrich, Senator Cummins, Gifford Pinchot, Secretary Bal- LiNGER, Herbert Parsons and Speaker Cannon were the scrapping characters, portrayed as "Battling Nelson, the Rhode Island Terror," "Kid Cummins, the Iowa Demon," "Giff Pinchot, the Fighting Lumber Jack," "Achilles Ballinger, the Siwash Sirocco," "Herby Parsons, the Candy Kid," "Joe Cannon, the Danville Bantam." Searching the combatants each was found with something in his glove. Ballinger had a lump of Alaska coal, and Uncle Joe a bundle of poker chips. Just as the boxing was to begin "police" raided the place and bore off the whole party. President Taft had declared for simple food as a diet to reduce flesh. He had also announced that he intended to go to Alaska. Consequently the Club established a "restaurant" as if in that far-off territory for the benefit of the Presidential party. Members went to different guests and took orders which were given to the Nome restaurant man and passed on by him to the chef, translated into Alaskan with a bit of Gridiron interpretation : "Poached eggs on toast," was one order, and the Nome man called out: "Cook and Peary on a raft." "Capt. Butt says that one of our most distinguished guests, who does not care to have his name mentioned, asks for a plate of hash with red peppers and tabasco sauce." "One order of Roosevelt's policies," translated the Nome man. "Speaker Cannon says he would like to get his teeth into something that would remind him of Vic Murdock." "One red-headed duck, and let the blood drip." 222 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Chairman Hitchcock wants breast of chicken with wings attached and boiled dumpHngs," announced a member. "Angel with dough," called out the Nome man. "Charles P. Taft for one," echoed the chef from the rear. The souvenir was the "Gridiron Dream Book" by Philander C. Johnson and it contained many wonderful facts and fancies. Nearly every guest had a dream interpreted for him. For Governor Judson Harmon of Ohio it was: To dream of a light colored house with pillars means a disappointment. Beware of a large sized gent with a pleasant smile. He will cross your path. A dark, smooth-faced man, with a full-grown voice, is interested in your future. Cross your fingers every time you see him. Another reference to the Taft smile, and also an accurate prophecy, was contained in the following for Henry Watterson: To dream of Marse Henry Watterson means that there will be a scrap between The-Spear-That-Knows-No-Brother and The-Smile-That-Won't-Come- Oflf at the next Republican convention. Go early and avoid the rush. Other suggestions in the Dream Book were: For Speaker Cannon: Insurgents: He who dreams of insurgents should lose no time in buying an alarm clock so as to stay awake. For Roosevelt: Africa: To dream of Africa is a warn- ing of a movement to build an elephant house where the tennis court used to be. THE TAFT ADMINISTRATION 223 For Belasco: D-v-D B-Lrsco: To dream of Shakes- peare, MoLiERE or Laura Jean Libbey is a warning to beware of professional jealousy. Here are some of the bright things in the Dream Book: During the absence of the Boss of the World, Senator Cummins is trying to serve as an understudy. Do not overlook him. If you get by Carpenter, you may yet live in splendor and happiness, but to get by Carpenter you must depend upon your own ability and not upon political influence. If you want to know whether Uncle Joe is still Czar of the House of Rep- resentatives, start something. When in doubt, see Brother Charlie. You can lead a Democratic Politician to water, but that does not make him a Prohibitionist. You can't always tell what is going on behind a smile that won't come off. The fact that the cackling of geese saved Rome does not justify the insurgents in making such a racket. Things are different now. Don't be a cackler. Captain Archibald W. Butt, afterward Major, the Presi- dent's aid, was mentioned several times at the dinner; once in the Alaska skit and again in the Dream Book, which said: To dream of swords, uniforms and war is a sign of good luck, prosperity and peace. You will travel exten- sively with a large party, and almost learn to play golf, and have your picture taken at least once. %»^cs^ 4^^. 224 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Then Maj. Stofer sang a song about him, describing his various activities, traveling with the President and playing golf, his debonair spirit and genial manner. Poor Archie! We all liked him and the Gridiron Club felt that it lost one of its good friends when the gallant soldier went down with the ill-fated Titanic, CHAPTER XXIII DEALS GENTLY WITH THE ADMINISTRATION The Twenty-Fifth Anniversary — Roosevelt, Though Far Away, Furnishes Topics — Back from Elba Club — Uncle Joe's Cabin, or Life Among the Insurgents — Shirt-sleeve Diplomacy Ridiculed — Remarkable Speech by Senator Gordon of Mississippi. WITH a President and Vice-President on either side, Scott C. Bone of the Washington Herald, President of the Gridiron Club, presided over a dinner at which there were no sharp flings at either of the distinguished guests. Time was when our critics — the Club members are our severest critics — said our dinners were "too much Roosevelt." But Roosevelt had figured so prominently because he was doing things that attracted the attention of the country and his sayings and doings lent themselves peculiarly well to Gridiron satire and burlesque. And at this dinner in February, 1910, eleven months after he had left the White House, Mr. Roosevelt still figured prominently in two skits, and a song. One skit was a "Back fitom Elba Club," and another illustrated Roosevelt as Speaker, it having been suggested that he would make a good presiding ofiicer of the House of Representatives. It was the 25th anniversary of the Club and, being of a sentimental turn of mind, the members celebrated the event with a silver souvenir. The menu was a simple card. On one page was printed the menu of the dinner 25 years before. An- other page gave a brief sketch of the formation of the Club and a list of the members who were the organizers. The principal skit was Uncle Joe's Cabin or Life Among the Insurgents. This introduced "Uncle Tom Murdock," "John Dwight Legree," "Marks the Speaker," "George Harris Hayes," "Adolph Norris," "Sambo Gussie Gardner," and 225 226 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'QuiMBO Lexroot/' Murdock of Kansas, IL\yes of California, NoRRis of Nebraska, Gardner of Massachusetts, and Lexroot of "Wisconsin were the leaders of the insurgent movement of that time. Speaker Caxxon was ruling with an iron hand and was assisted by Johx AV. Dwight, the Republican whip. Mur- dock was impersonated by Dick Oulahax, Marks by Tom Noyes, and Little Eva by John Shriver. To a large extent the skit hung on the failure of the Taft administration to give the insurgents patronage. "I'se going to see the promised land," said Uncle Tom, "I'se going to be Speaker myself, some day." And, again, he told '"Legree," who, as whip of the majoritj^ was trying to bring the insurgents back into the Republican camp, "My vote belongs to the Democrats, but the patronage belongs to Taft." "I'm a czar," declared "Marks," working his left hand and elevating his cigar. "In the last analysis the majority rules and I'm the majority. Kick the insurgents in the slats." There was more to the same effect, but it did not neglect to show that the insurgents, by joining the Democrats, had unhorsed the czar and "stepped on his features." Finally, continuing the idea of the famous story, the insur- gents were placed on the auction block; but the sale was stopped by the appearance of Secretary Carpexter with a White House proclamation of amnesty for those who would come back in the fold "and all will be forgiven and patronage will be restored." "What's that last?" cried "Uncle Tom." "Patronage will be restored." "Hooray!" he cried, "we's 'manicipated. Didn't I tole ye' I could see dem pearly gates?" The real emancipation did not come, however, until after the congressional campaign of 1910 was well under way, when a mysterious letter to an Iowa insurgent told that the patronage would be restored to those who had been outside the ranks. A part of the complaints of the time by insurgents was that those Republicans who did not vote with the organization in DEALING GENTLY 227 Congress were refused patronage, and in the House were pun- ished by the Speaker in the formation of the committees. The high cost of living was then one of the topics of pubhc discussion and a musical skit was hung upon it and its related causes. Into it was introduced the tariff, infant industries, various trusts and the Ultimate Consumer who had figured in the tariff debates. This individual sang a song about wanting a finger in the pie, a verse of which follows: Oh, the ultimate consumer is as busy as can be Endeavoring to pick the shell that hides the Httle pea; I vote at each election and to get a job I try But in politics I never find a way to get a finger in the pie. Was the "Back from Elba" skit of the Gridiron Club in February, 1910, a prophecy of what happened in 1912.^ Well, pretty nearly. The "Club" was made up of those ardent Roosevelt men who had been thrown into the discard by the Taft administration. Members of the Gridiron Club repre- sented Field Marshall Gifford Pinchot, Lieut. General James R. Garfield, and a number of lesser lights. When Senator Beveridge's name was called the only response was the loud beating of a drum. Jonathan Bourne's name elicited the response that he was golfing with President Taft. Bourne had not at that time become a real anti-TAFT insurgent. The mem- bers of the "Back from Elba Club" wore military cloaks and Napoleonic hats with a monogram of the letters T. R. upon them. With uplifted hands they swore fealty to "the Absent One across the Water." The reason for assembling was the admission of two new recruits, George E. Miller of the Detroit A^ews and John C ALLAN O'Loughlin of the Chicago Tribune, who had been recently elected members of the Gridiron Club. It so happened that both were ardent Roosevelt men. Miller was first questioned as to his qualifications: "You represent a radical Democratic paper .^" "Yes." 228 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "But it endorses the present administration." "Most Democratic papers do." "Are you one of the Press Club correspondents that President Taft calls rural writers.^" I "Yes, but I hope to get into the President's metropolitan class before this dinner is over." The last question and answer referred to a speech which the President had made at the Press Club, when he said that he had met the more important correspondents at Gridiron dinners, but was glad to get acquainted with those who represented the smaller papers. Then he added that these lesser lights were the real molders of public opinion because the correspondents of the big metropolitan papers were compelled to write what they were told to by the editors and owners. Mr. O'LouGHLiN was then questioned: "You represent a great Republican paper?" "Yes, a stalwart Republican newspaper." "And it is fighting the administration.'^" "Well, it stands for the uplift." After the new^ members had been declared qualified and admitted, the "Back from Elba Club" marched out singing: When Teddy comes marching home again. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! We'll give him a hearty welcome then. Hurrah ! Hurrah ! The Club will cheer, the boys will shout. The malefactors will all go out, And we'll get jobs when Teddy comes marching home. Roosevelt as Speaker was portrayed by Richard V. Oula- HAN who imitated his voice and manner. Approaching a temporary desk he rapped with the gavel and said: "The- House-will-come-to-order!" Then he repeated it and fired off a pistol. "When I said it I meant it!" he hissed. "I have appointed as special employes of the House Seth Bullock of South Dakota, Bat Masterson of Kansas, Johx Abernathy of Oklahoma and Jim Jeffries of California. The gentleman DEALING GENTLY 229 from Ohio will take his seat. There may be trouble for the gentleman at home if he does not resume his place. Thank you, Nick, I knew you would sit down!" There was a lot more to the same effect and the company enjoyed it. No doubt the Colonel would have appreciated the impersonation if he had been present. A song about Roosevelt, to the tune of I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now, described a bold hunter in an African jungle, who longed for the really big game he had hunted at home, and had this verse and chorus: In an African jungle a bold hunter sat On the skin of a slaughtered baboon; Where the dig-dig and bongo were teasing the cat. And the ostrich was singing a tune. Said he: "Mollycoddles so harmless and tame — They are all that I find as I roam; It is really a shame and I long for big game The kind that I am used to at home. 230 GRIDIRON NIGHTS I wonder who's cussing them now; I wonder who's busting the trusts; Wonder who's feelings are deeply stirred By the short and ugly word. I wonder who's wielding the stick; I wonder if Taft's learned the trick; Malefactors of wealth who do business by stealth — I wonder who's cussing them now! Although President Taft went almost scot free at the dinner, members of his Cabinet were touched up. It was just after a letter written by Attorney-General Wickersham had been stolen and published. James P. Hor^Taday, looking very much like Mr. Wickersham, chased another member of the Club through the dining-room, shouting, "Stop, thief!" Called to account for interrupting the dinner, he said that the fleeing member had purloined "another of my letters." One important letter had been stolen from the Department of Justice. The member with the letter was compelled to surrender it and it was read. It was addressed to "My dear Senator," and discussed the big matters pending in the Department of Justice in a free and easy manner. These included the sugar trust, the tobacco trust, standard oil, and watering stock. Reference was made to the high cost of living which was agitating the country to such a great extent, and which has figured prominently in the politics of the country ever since. Secretary Knox was severely ridiculed regarding his adminis- tration of the State Department. He was impersonated by Oscar King Davis, who, in shirt-sleeves, burlesqued the so- called "shirt-sleeve diplomacy" of the department. With a baseball bat he pounded on the table when displeased and flourished a shot-gun to emphasize his orders relating to foreign questions, particularly as to the Southern republics. "Near- sighted" and "far-sighted" Under-Secretaries figured in the skit, as the bureaus of the Near-East and Far-East had been recently established in the Department of State. An effort had been made by Mr. Knox to introduce the English "Under-Secretary" DEALING GENTLY 231 to take the place of the "Assistant Secretary" as the official always has been called in this country. Reference was made to the Chinese loan, and how J. Pierpont Morgan had broken into the English-German-French syndicate. A messenger announced that Andrew Carnegie was waiting outside and wanted to give $20,000,000 to the cause of peace in Central America. "What!" exclaimed the fake Secretary. "That old book agent again. I have no patience with those mealy-mouthed peace people." Denmark had received Dr. Cook and made much of him, royalty dining the discoverer and showing him every attention. "Take this ultimatum to Denmark," roared the Secretary. "The next time Denmark receives a discoverer of the North Pole don't receive him." The lack of cordiality existing between Elihu Root, Knox's predecessor, and himself, was illustrated in sending word to the former Secretary to "wait outside." Satirizing further the ultimatum which had been sent to Chile demanding the immediate settlement of an old claim, a "Knox boomerang" was brought in on a tray. It was a very large fire-cracker and some one shouted, "Look out! It's going off!" The "actors" dodged and then a very small percussion cap exploded. The Chilean incident was more severely criticized than any other act of the State Department. A reference to Secretary Knox and his dealings with Central America had been made in the way of inaugurating Mr. Bone. There appeared one "Zelaya" who announced that as he was retiring as President of Nicaragua, and having no other job, he wanted to be President of the Gridiron Club, proposing to oust Bone by a revolution. His attention was called to the presence of Secretary Knox. ''Caramba!'' he exclaimed. "Me for Mexico!" and beat a hasty retreat. At the previous dinner of the Club Private John Allen of Tupelo, Mississippi, had been a guest and in the course of his humorous remarks said that the dinners had grown more pre- tentious than when he first attended, but as for the guests they 232 GRIDIRON NIGHTS seemed to be about of the same character; "although," he added, "there are not as many railroad presidents and general passenger agents here as in the days before passes were abol- ished." President Bone directed that the names of half a dozen prominent railroad men be called and they were requested to stand. "Gentlemen," he said, "you are living exhibits and a burning refutation of the slander uttered by Private John Allen at our last dinner to the effect that the Gridiron Club quit entertaining railroad men after the anti-pass law went into effect." The dinner was remarkable on account of one of those unex- pected "finds" in one of the men called upon for a speech. Gen. James Gordon, a man of 77 years, had been appointed to serve a short term vacancy in the United States Senate from Mississippi. He was a picturesque figure; while his career held enough romance and adventure for half a dozen men. Senator Gordon was called on more as a compliment than with any idea that he would make a hit. The result was as gratifying as it was unexpected. Without the slightest pretense at oratory this old gentleman talked along about conditions, the men present, the administration, his ideas of the Senate and the features of the dinner. The speech simply bubbled with apparently uncon- scious humor, but those nearby saw the spark of fun in the eye of the old general which showed that he knew exactly what he was saying. Senator Gordon delivered another remarkable speech in the Senate, the appeal of a man who had spent four years in the Confederacy, who had suffered through reconstruc- tion, but who, in his old age, plead for unity of sections and loyalty to the nation. CHAPTER XXIV FIRST TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY IN SIXTEEN YEARS Election Results of 1910 Furnish Interesting Features — Seeking to Ride with Miss Democracy — First Men- tion OF WooDROW Wilson — Gridiron Playhouse as Souvenir — Display of Lame Ducks — President Taft Pokes Fun at Gov. Harmon — Coolness between Taft and Roosevelt. THE triumph of Democracy in the Congressional elections of November, the first in sixteen years, and a forecast of what it meant in future political campaigns, in the man- agement of national affairs, and in the personal fortunes of many prominent public men, were the features of the Gridiron dinner in December, 1910. A Napoleonic reference to the campaign was the "Retreat from Moscow." The retreat was a procession of Club members impersonating down-and-outs who had been prominent in affairs under the long reign of Republicanism. As Roosevelt's candi- date for Governor of New York had been among the defeated, a member impersonating the former President was the leader of the battered and crippled contingent, which included other prominent men who had been defeated in the election. Then in triumph came Champ Clark and his pair of mules, the Democratic leader having Cannon, Payne, and Dalzell chained to his chariot. No one knows how the story was started about Champ and his pledge to drive a team of mules down Pennsylvania avenue. Champ declared the author to be a member of the Ananias Club. However that may be, it served to introduce him in the role of the coming Speaker. What he promised the minority members was a-plenty. He told Cannon he was going to make him chairman of the Com- mittee on Disposition of Useless Papers — ''that's the place for 233 234 GRIDIRON NIGHTS the Payne-Aldrich tariff law," he said. He promised Payne and Dalzell that "the brawny Ollie James would walk over / / them every morning." Oscar Underwood was called upon to produce a tariff bill, and Clark declared that it had too much protection in it. Then a reference was made to Bryan, and TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY 235 Underwood declared, '*We will have no more Bryan." This started Ollie James to shouting, "Bryan forever!" The mules became obstreperous in spite of pleas for harmony, and finally bolted away dragging Clark after them. "Miss Democracy" also appeared, Oscar King Davis play- ing the part. She was going to have a joy ride in a band wagon for the first time in sixteen years. She was a big, strong, husky- looking damsel. "You do not look like the Miss Democracy we have seen pictured for so many years," she was told. "You bet I don't," she replied, shaking a strong arm. "I'm no simpering old maid. I'm militant, I am; I'm the original Fanny Frazzle; I beat them to it." "But this is no place to be flaunting yourself," said President Bone. "Flaunting myself!" shouted the lady: "Why, look here, young man, I'm flaunting myself all over the whole blamed country, and the flaunting is pretty good." "I insist that you retire," said Bone. Miss Democracy executed a few dancing steps on her toes with vigor and replied: "Retire.f^ Come on and make me retire! You talk like T. R. before election day." Then came various applicants to ride in the band wagon with Miss Democracy, mostly governors and governors-elect and others, impersonated by members of the Club. There were Dix of New York, Baldwin of Connecticut, Foss of Massachu- setts, Harmon of Ohio, Wilson of New Jersey, Kern of Indiana, Folk of Missouri, and Bryan of Nebraska. Each had a reason for demanding a seat beside Miss Democracy and each was refused. Gov. Harmon thus stated his claim: "I'm a friend of the masses, and the classes are a friend of mine. I get them coming and going." ' That Jittle line, much to the regret of the members of the Gridiron Club, was used with great effect against Gov. Harmon in his campaign for President. 236 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The colloquy between Gov. Wilson and Miss Democracy, in view of the governor's prominefice, is given in full: "This looks like a scholarly gent; I wonder who he is." *'I am Dr. Woodrow Wilson of New Jersey." *' Howdy, Doc." *'And when I speak all listen." "Well, there's a lot of us out West who are pretty deaf. Get off!" "Hold on. I am the only man fitted to be the National Voice." "This National Voice business is played out. What we want is a National Silence." "But, mark you, I was born in Virginia, the Mother of Presidents." "Yes; but you shook mamma at an early age. Get off!" All candidates were thrust aside by a big, burly person labeled "the interests," who announced that he would decide later who was to ride in that band wagon. A musical skit with Mikado music arranged by Philander C. Johnson introduced a number of interesting characters. The apparent reason for it was the decapitation of Speaker Cannon, who as Nanki Jo played a star part assisted by Mikado Taft, Ko Ko LoNGWORTH, PisH TusH Clark, and Pooh Bah Cummins. Mikado Taft came in just at the right moment to save Nanki Jo from the snickersnee. The Mikado referred to a number of matters connected with his position and incidentally to the recent election, and with the chorus sang these lines: My smile is still serene. As plainly may be seen — No matter how they jump the track and batter the old machine. For I am quite content To do the work that's meant For a big American President — American President. President Taft's remarks that night were unusually interest- ing. Not a single javelin had been flung at him. He joshed TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY 237 his old friend Judson Harmon for failure to make a good speech. He then told something about his earlier career when he was holding a judicial position in Ohio. Gov. Foraker and Jud Harmon were trying to have his term extended. The President paused: *'How times change!" he said, and there was a roar of laughter, for ForakeH was then doing his best to defeat Taft, and Harmon was a candidate for the presidency. The souvenir for that dinner was a little booklet called the "Gridiron Playhouse," fashioned after a theatrical program, with reading matter, notes, advertise- ments, and illustrations. It was prepared by a menu committee of which James P. Hornaday of the Indianapolis News, was chairman. A "lame duck series" pictured statesmen who had been defeated, as ducks on crutches. There were many of them, in- cluding Senators Scott, Burkett, Depew, Kean, Carter, Burrows, Beveridge, and Dick; and Representatives Keifer, Hull, Parker, Olcott, Tawney, Alexander, and Parsons. Among the advertisements was one for the "Lookin," with Col. Theodore Roosevelt associate editor. Then the "Play- house" announced an "extraordinary attraction for December, 1912," promising the appearance in a stellar role of at least one of the following: Woodrow Wilson, Judson Harmon, Thomas R. Marshall, John A. Dix, Mayor Gaynor, Eugene N. Foss, or John W. Folk. We got two of them — Wilson and Mar- shall. I There were two pages of "intercepted letters," bearing dates from July 1, 1910, to Nov. 15, 1910. The first began, "Dear Bill," and ended, "Devotedly, Theodore," the second began, "Dear Theodore," and ended, "Affectionately, Bill." Then the style of address and superscription gradually changed, until the An Advertisement 238 GRIDIRON NIGHTS ninth letter began, "Dear Mr. President," and closed, "Yours truly, T. Roosevelt," and the tenth and last began, "My dear Colonel Roosevelt," and closed, "Yours, W. H. Taft." There were a number of "classified ads" and under the situations wanted was this: Young man seeks position as R. R. President, Director in Corporation, Ambassador, or after dinner orator. Chauncey. And another: A quiet little man who has gathered information for Nelson W. Aldrich during the last twelve years will soon be ready for anything good outside of politics. John Kean. Senator Kean had been for years called "Aldrich's Ears," because of his quiet way of hunting up everything and carrying it to the Rhode Island Senator. There was a picture of Representatives Fitzgerald of New York and Burleson of Texas struggling for the chairmanship of the Committee on Appropriations. In the House of Repre- sentatives the struggle went on until Fitzgerald won. Another picture showed the dome of the capitol, and the Washington monument blackened by smoke which was belching from a dozen chimneys, and underneath the words, "Since Teddy Went Away." President Roosevelt secured the passage of an anti-smoke law for Washington which really had teeth in it, and he had it enforced vigorously. Since he left the White House nothing has been heard of the law, and smoke can be seen streaming from a hundred chimneys every day. TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY 239 Under the heading '* Information for guests," were the following paragraphs: Joseph G. Cannon is the only man permitted to smoke in this playhouse. Packages must not be brought into the hall. The secret service men are present at Colonel Roosevelt's request. They are shadowing Jim Tawney. 240 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Our guests are expected to remove their hats during the performance. You can(t) tell what is going to happen by looking at the program. If you are called on for a speech do not talk less than forty minutes. Short speeches right to the point are rotten. Too often speakers at Gridiron dinners are tiresome in extolling the newspaper profession and praising the Gridiron Club, hence the souvenir contained the following under the heading "Advice to Orators": The members of the Gridiron Club know that it is the most unique Club in the world as well as the most famous. They know that it gives the best dinners in the world. They also have a fair knowledge of the newspaper business. They know that they MOLD PUBLIC OPINION; that they MAKE and UNMAKE PUBLIC MEN. They understand all about the POWER OF THE PRESS, and what ought to be their MISSION IN LIFE. They also know that you ARE GLAD TO BE HERE; that you DID NOT EXPECT TO BE CALLED UPON, etc., etc. Remember your time is short and soon you may be called down, so omit references to all the hackneyed themes and phrases. "Don'ts" were for the benefit of those who did not speak. Among them were the following: Don't expect all the speakers to be funny. Some of them think this is a place to inculcate great moral lessons and they can't be headed off. Don't forget that you are present on account of your especial fitness for a Gridiron guest. Even the worst among you have some redeeming qualities. Don't laugh too soon. We would rather you would get the point next day than spoil it by showing your appreciation before the climax. Your host will give you your cue. Don't shout, " Louder ! " The man who talks so you can't hear is not saying anything important. Don't repeat a joke to your neighbor. He, no doubt, got it and is waiting for the next one. TRIUMPH OF DEMOCRACY 241 Governors in office and just elected figured prominently at the dinner after the Democratic victory of 1910. Those who attended were Foss of Massachusetts, Harmon of Ohio, John- son of California, Osborn of Michigan, Stubbs of Kansas, Tener of Pennsylvania. In less than two years five of these guests were numbered among the governors who were a great factor in the presidential campaign. Johnson, Osborn and Stubbs were three of the "seven little governors" who were in a large measure responsible for Roosevelt's candidacy before the Republican national convention. Two others, Foss and Harmon, were voted for in the Democratic national convention. CHAPTER XXV POLITICAL EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR Management of the House Under New System Burlesqued — Japanese War Scare Discovered — Imitation of Orators at the Dinners — Mother Goose in Gridiron Rhyme — Touching up Taft — Peace Dove a Goose — Faust in Politics — Unique Supreme Court — Peer- less Leader Present by Proxy. THE policy of the Democratic party in turning the manage- ment of the House over to the majority members of the Ways and Means Committee was ridiculed at the dinner of the Gridiron Club in February, 1911. Fifteen members of the Club demanded that the new President, Richard V. Oula- han, of the New York Sun, should turn over the management of the dinner to them. "But fifteen men cannot preside over this dinner," remon- strated OULAHAN. "Fifteen men are to preside over the next House of Repre- sentatives," they declared. At that point a member impersonating Champ Clark was brought in with his hands tied and ropes about his body. "I am Exhibit A," he said. "Exhibit A of what.'^" he was asked. "Exhibit A of what a rules fight in one Congress can do to a perfectly good Speaker in the next." Champ Clark, as leader of the Democrats, and with aid of the Insurgent Republicans, had conducted a fight in the House against "Cannonism," which had resulted in taking away from the Speaker much of his power, removing him from the com- mittee on rules and denying him the right to name the com- mittees. These radical changes, when tried out, practically took away the Speaker's power and prestige, leaving him in a large measure simply a presiding officer of the House. In reahty 242 EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 243 the power was transferred to the Chairman of the Committee on Ways and Means. The Gridiron Club in ridiculing the new system did not take any power from their President. On the contrary President OuLAHAX offered to make a compromise with the fifteen. If they would do something worthy of consideration he would allow them to become members of the new "Hog Combine for the distribution of patronage." To this they assented, and rushed out. They returned soon with a man who looked like a Japanese. ** We've caught a Japanese spy red-handed!" they announced, and from the bundle he carried they extracted various "incrimi- nating documents," among which were the following: Plan of Hon. Underwood to hamstring Hon. Clark. Photograph of knives to be used at love feast in New Jersey between Hon. Wilson and Hon. Jim Smith. Blue-print of Hon. Taft's mind when Hon. Hitchcock refused to be im- pelled with toe of boot out of Republican National Committee. Hot air ration for Hon. Jonathan Bourne's Republican Salvation Army. Tracing showing Hon. Sacred Codfish in Boston State House shot to pieces by Hon. Canadian Reciprocity. Blue-print of Hon. Hale's mind when Hon. Borah galloped off with Senate leadership. Diagram showing where Hon. Cummins will place step-ladder on back porch of the White House. Snapshot of Hon. Aldrich in Florida showing there's one man who's had enough. Thought diagram of Hon. Tariff Commission Boomers holding bag with slit in it by Hon. Bailey. Measurements of Hon. Hole into which Congress throws a Billion Dollars each year. Phonograph record showing long intervals of silence at Oyster Bay. Perhaps an explanation is necessary for those who may have forgotten what was important in the pubHc mind of that time: By becoming chairman of the Ways and Means Committee Mr. Underw^ood became the power in the House of Representatives and Speaker Clark a secondary figure. It was stated about that time that former Senator James Smith and Gov. Woodrow 244 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Wilson were to get together for party harmony at a love feast in New Jersey. Senator Bourne had a scheme for saving the Republican party. Although Massachusetts was supporting Canadian Reciprocity which President Taft was forcing through Congress the codfish industry was sending out S.O.S. signals every da3^ If there was one man more than another that Senator Hale hated to see go to the front in the United States Senate it was Senator Borah. Senator Cummins was at that time active in jabbing the Taft administration. After he had decided to retire Senator Aldrich remained away from the Senate and ceased his active management of the body. Senator Bailey was the most pronounced foe of the Tariff Commission and took delight in punching its reports full of holes. The reference to the billion dollar appropriations need no explana- tions; nor does the silence at Oyster Bay. After examining the papers of the Japanese spy a disguise was torn away and disclosed a man who looked like Representa- tive Richmond P. Hobson. "What do you mean, Mr. Hobson, by playing the Japanese spy.'*" he was asked. "I am the Japanese war scare," was the reply. Imitating speakers at a Gridiron dinner; or an insurgent organization in the Club, was one of the features. Sam Blythe, Bob Wynne and Tom Noyes were the insurgents and proceeded to hold a dinner of their own. When they announced to Presi- dent OuLAHAN their purpose he said he did not know there was an insurgent wing in the Gridiron Club. '"That's the trouble with all you standpatters," was the reply. "You never do find out what is going on until somebody hits you with an ax." After a further parley the insurgents went on with their "dinner," a number of members entering as guests. Louis W. Strayer of the Pittsburgh Dispatch was Andrew Carnegie and when introduced said: "I have only one ambition: that is to die poor. I am against battleships now that I am out of the armor plate business. I EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 245 have given away six billion dollars which shows that John D. Rockefeller is a piker. You have no idea how hard it is to give away money in such a manner that it will get into the newspapers." L. White Busbey impersonated Jim Tawney and declared he was for economy and against expenditures for war purposes. "Of what use is a battleship to Winona, Minnesota.'^" he asked. Speaker Cannon, Vice-President Sherman, Senator Beve- RiDGE, and Champ Clark were imitated as speakers. All who were introduced closed with the same remark that, "No member of the Gridiron Club ever betrayed my confidence." So many men have made that statement at Gridiron dinners that it has become hackneyed and threadbare to the members. A musical skit was given for the special benefit of the Ger- man Ambassador who was a guest. Philander C. Johnson played the part of a German instructor and with a blackboard showed Count Bernstorff a number of interesting persons and things, to each of which was chanted a little verse of ex- planation in German. On the board were pictures of President Taft, Kaiser Wilhelm, a suffragette, a steam roller, a barrel of sugar labeled Havemeyer, a baseball score of goose eggs and a picture of Col. Roosevelt labeled "Schnickle Fritz." Count Bernstorff was called upon to speak immediately afterward and he showed that he had caught the Gridiron spirit, just as he did on subsequent occasions, not only making a witty speech, but telling some good new stories. Henry Hall again addressed a number of new senators. "You are," he said, "or will soon become, members of that great and garrulous body, the United States Senate. Of course you know that it is great and you will soon know that it is garrulous. Lungs and language are the requisites to fame in the Senate. "The Senate is a great body and the best thing about it is that no State can have more than two Senators. Some think we would be better off with none at all, but they are like pro- hibitionists, who confuse and confound temperance with total abstinence. 246 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'Last fall was an open season for Senators," said Mr. Hall referring to the many changes which would take place in the Senate as a result of the election. "The Senate will not be what it has been. No, the Senate will not be what it used to be. But cheer up. Twenty years from now newspaper men will be saying, 'You should have seen the Senate when I first knew it. Pomerene, Chilton, Hitchcock, Townsend, Swan- son and Watson — there were giants in those days.' And they will believe what they are saying — and so will you." The senators named were receiving the lecture. Hall con- tinued: "When last it was my privilege to instruct the kindergarten senators, I said the first requisite of a senator was to look like one. That doesn't go now. Nearly all the men whom we have been told looked like senators will retire the fourth of March next." Mr. Hall gave a serious turn to his remarks in speaking of the Oregon and other plans for electing senators. He named a dozen or more famous men who had been chosen by the old method, adding: "In scanning the long roll of American sena- tors from Daniel "Webster to Jonathan Bourne there is room for doubt whether the Oregon plan is what it is cracked up to be." Thinking was the title of a song sung for the benefit of a number of statesmen who had become prominent by success or defeat in the last election. The last verse w^as: From an election long past There came a rumor striking, New Jersey's votes were not all cast To WooDROW Wilson's liking. (Chorus) Oh, say is Woodrow Wilson's boom Into depression sinking? (Solo) His boom is fine, but I presume He's thinking, thinking, thinking. EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 247 Songs of Famous Men was another taking musical produc- tion. And, though not a guest, Roosevelt was remembered in the following: There was a man in ancient Rome Who used to fiddle till the cows came home. Who was it played the tunes he learned, And who never cared a nickel who got burned? Roosevelt, He was the village cut up, Roosevelt, Leader of the band. Roosevelt, He was a mighty hunter. But the Old Guard chased him to the promised land. "Mother Goose in Gridiron Rhyme," was the souvenir of the dinner in December, 1911, and it covered the entire political field. It was prepared under the direction of Leroy T. Vernon of the Chicago News, chairman of the menu committee. The illustrations were by Berryman. The first picture showed the White House remodeled as a locomotive engine and a flying machine combined. This is the house Jack (ought to have) built. was the legend under the picture. This was because of Presi- dent Taft's inclination to travel about the country to such an extent. 248 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The House Jack (ought to have) Built EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 249 The next picture showed the G.O.P. elephant on his back and GiFFORD Pinchot, James R. Garfield and Theodore Roosevelt — the latter with a big stick — mauling the poor animal unmercifully. The verse accompanying this picture ran: Beat em' up, beat 'em up, progressive man, So we will, Bobby, as fast as we can; We'll beat 'em and kick 'em and mark 'em N.G., Yours truly, T. R,, Jimmie G., and Giff P. In less than eight months that is just what all three were doing. 250 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Although it was many months before the national conven- tions the Gridiron Club picked Charles D. Hilles as the com- ing chairman of the Republican national committee. A picture of Hilles holding up a plum marked "national chairman," told the story, with this verse; Little Charlie Hilles, first aide to Will, is Eating some White House pie; If he puts in his thumb and pulls out this plum, There is nobody here who will cry. I Canadian Reciprocity was causing more trouble than any- thing else in politics at that time and was illustrated by the story of the little pig that went to market. EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 251 1. This little pig went to market. 2. This little pig stayed at home. 3. This little pig had roast beef. 4. This little pig got none. 5. This little pig cried wee, wee, all the way home. 252 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Of course Col. Roosevelt was not forgotten and under a picture of him in an old-time costume were these lines: There was a busy man who lived on a hill He lives there yet, but not always still. On Tennessee Iron he says he was "wise," And he's the ONE man who never tells lies. Mother Hubbard (or the horrible tale of Mrs. Ultimately Consumed) was a new version of that pitiful story, and related the difficulty the good dame had with various trusts which controlled the food and other supphes. EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 253 It was not then known that Gifford Pinchot would in 1914 really fulfil the statement made in these lines in the Mother Goose book: Little G. P. Went to sea, In an open boat; The little boat bended — My story's ended. "Ten little candidates," were the subject of a series of pic- tures with old rhymes changed to suit the ideas of the poet and artist as to what was likely to happen at the next Demo- cratic national convention. Their views follow: Ten little candidates in presidential line — One got bashful and then there were nine. 254 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Baldwin of Connecticut went away. Nine little candidates tried to frame a slate — One backed out and then there were eight. Gaynor of New York departed. Eight little candidates for political heaven — One hit a primary and then there were seven. The Ten Candidates Joe Folk was defeated in the Missouri primaries. Seven little candidates went to fixing sticks — One got hurt and then there were six. Gov. Marshall of Indiana was pictured as knocked out by a prohibition club. Six little candidates monkeyed with a hive — One got stung and then there were five. The picture indicated that Woodrow Wilson had been elim- inated by the "off year" elections of 1911. Five little candidates tried to take the floor — One got stepped on and then there were four. EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR ^55 Bryan never neglected an opportunity to step on the Under- wood boom. Four little candidates tried to climb a tree — One fell out and then there were three. It was the belief of the artist and poet that Champ Clark would be eliminated and the fight would be narrowed down to three others, hence Champ was pictured on a breaking limb labeled "Canadian Annexation." He had said, speaking of Canadian reciprocity, that the United States flag would float over every foot of territory to the frozen ocean. There was a look of terror and concern on the faces of the remaining candi- dates, more assumed than real. Three little candidates out in a canoe — One fell overboard and then there were two. And Foss went overboard. Two little candidates fooling with a gun — One got shot, and then there was one. It was an easy guess that if the fight narrowed down to Bryan and Harmon the man from Nebraska would win. One little candidate standing all alone — He got left and the dark horse won. The last picture showed that Mr. Bryan failed at the finish, the artist and the rhymster guessing that a dark horse would win; but they could not guess that Bryan would turn the trick that would land Woodrow Wilson in the White House. The Tariff's Little Lamb (A Melodrama in Eight Stanzas) was borrowed from poets other than Mother Goose to illustrate the trials and tribulations of the wool schedule while the tariff was being revised. The "Little Lamb" grew to be a "big fat ram" in the course of the story, but finally it was in great ^56 GRIDIRON NIGHTS danger because "the Democrats set the place on fire." But it was rescued in stanza eight which reads: When the tariff missed his httle lamb, He raised a dreadful wail; Just then Mr. Taft pulled it out. And saved it by the tail. President Taft received more attention than he desired at the dinner. There were references which he did not enjoy. Not only was he touched up in the Mother Goose book, but there was a more pointed thrust at his well-known propensity to travel. Several members of the Club came in with a large roll of paper and in reply to a question said that it was a two- EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 257 hundred-and-fifty-thousand-mile ticket for President Taft. It was unrolled and just as one end was about to be placed in Mr. Taft's hands it snapped back. "This is a return ticket," was the explanation. Then the lights went out; there was the clanging of a locomotive bell and a picture flashed upon a screen showing the President and his usual traveling com- panions and paraphernalia on a private car, labeled "the Sum- mer White House." President Taft was at that time vigorously pushing the arbitration treaties and peace talk was in the air. Consequently everybody became interested when Oscar King Davis endeav- ored to make a bird move along a wire. "What are you doing?" asked Vice-President Garthe, who was presiding over the dinner in the absence of Mr. Oulahan. "I am letting loose this dove of peace," was the reply. "But that is a goose," argued Garthe. "Why, of course," was the scornful retort; "the dove of peace is always a goose." President Taft in his travels had stopped at Frederick, Mary- land, and caused a revival of Barbara Frietchie. But "the old gray head" seen at the Gridiron presentation was not that of the Whittier poem. It was that of Uncle Joe Cannon who waved a standpat flag. In reply to the admonition, "shoot if you must this old gray head, but spare the flag," the leader of the insurgent cohorts below gave the order to "put a dent in that old gray head." And political history records that something of the kind happened at the election of 1912. Faust in Politics, or The Standing Pat of Mephisto was the title of a musical skit by Philander Johnson, made to fit the times. "Marguerite Democracy," "Progressive Faust," "Stand- pat Mephisto" and the "Merry Voters" as the chorus, were all there and sang their songs, which related to the mixed politi- cal conditions of the period. Victor Berger, the first Socialist ever elected to Congress, was a guest at the dinner. He was presented with a large bomb with fuse burning. 258 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Ah, ha!" he exclaimed, "my shadow! It is the idea of most men that SociaHsts always carry bombs." He made quite an interesting speech, saying he was one whole party in Congress, told how he caucussed, issued instruc- tions to the "whip" and went through the different evolutions of a party in the House. Probably the most marvelous "Supreme Court" ever as- sembled was one which "heard and decided cases" during that Gridiron dinner. There was Chief Justice "Bathhouse John," Associate Justices "Debs," "Hinky Dink," "Gompers," "FiNGY Connors," "Charles Murphy," "Stubbs of Kansas," "Nelson W. Aldrich," and "Theodore Roosevelt." One of the motions was for a restraining order to prevent Champ Clark from annexing Canada, the Speaker having created a sensation by declaring that the ultimate destiny of the stars and stripes was to float over all northern territory. Another writ was asked to prevent William J. Bryan from running for President. "Oh, let him run," said the court, "what difference does it make.f*" A charge was made that the Steel Trust had gold-bricked T. R. in the Tennessee Coal and Iron Consolidation. "Associate Justice Roosevelt" indignantly denied it. "I was working that side of the street myself," he said. An injunc- tion was asked compelling Andrew Carnegie to give his money away without advertising it, but was refused because in that event he would give none away. There was great cheering at one stage of the dinner. Wil- liam J. Bryan was seen coming into the dining-room. Acting President Garthe at once presented him to the guests, and there followed one of Mr. Bryan's splendid oratorical out- bursts. Then he turned to politics, and spoke most kindly of JuDsoN Harmon, apologizing for omitting him from his list of presidential possibilities for 1912. "Harmon is my man," he said. Next he referred to Champ Clark and said that he might be depended upon, save that his hand had grown somewhat cold on account of "clutching a Canadian icicle." Then he referred to "the intrepid young statesman Oscar Underwood." EVENTS OF AN OFF YEAR 259 By that time most everybody began to ask whether it was Bryan or a very clever imitation, for the figure, face and voice were marvelously like the man from Nebraska. Finally the orator shocked his fellow Democrats, at least, by declaring for William H. Taft. "This is not William Jennings Bryan," declared a member of the Club, "but Charles B. Hanford, the great actor." "Sir, are you a great actor?" asked Mr. Garthe. "I am," responded Hanford, "but so is William Jennings Bryan." CHAPTER XXVI POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS IN 1912 The Campaign and Its Results — The String to Roose- velt's Declaration — Famous Democratic Steeple- chase — Dame Marketing Complains of High Prices — Penrose and Kern Surprise Everybody — After THE Battle — Three National Chairmen Sit Side by Side — Rubbish of the Campaign — "We've got to Go, BUT We're Coming Back" — "Nothing on T. R." — Don Woodrow Vanquishes the Bull Moose — The Famous "Battle of Armegeddon." WITH the campaign of 1912 in full blast politics nat- urally figured largely at the Gridiron dinner of Feb- ruary that year. There was much uncertainty and consequent speculation as to what w^ould happen politically at that time. At the very outset in the inauguration of Louis Garthe of the Baltimore American as President of the Club political questions developed. His title was disputed by the campaign managers of other candidates, among whom were Bryan, Clark, La Follette, Kern, Harmon, Underwood, Cummins, Wilson, and Foss. Mr. Garthe had the questions answered by his specially selected campaign manager for the occasion, Edgar C. Snyder, chairman of the inauguration com- mittee. After the other campaign managers had asked Mr. Snyder questions bearing upon the political peculiarity of his candidate, a member of the Club, made up to look like Roose- velt in his Rough Rider costume and mounted on a hobby- horse, came tearing in with much clatter and announced that if a progressive president was to be inaugurated he was on hand. "But you have said that you were not a candidate," said Chairman Snyder. "Maybe so," answered the Rough Rider, in the Roosevelt 260 POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS 261 voice, "maybe so; but I have always found it convenient to have a string to every declaration." "I protest against that man," said the Bryan representative. "He stole all the planks in our platform." "That is real progress," replied the T, R. "Progressives take anything they can find. All we want is something to divert the people until we get the jobs." With great unanimity the Club chose to inaugurate Garthe and the Rough Rider was hustled out. During the winter occurred the rather famous Wilson- Watterson-Harvey imbroglio, which would have been more sensational if the country had known at the time that the New Jersey Governor was to be elected President. As it was, the prominence of all the parties made the affair interesting. Col. Watterson's suggestion that the statements and questions in dispute should be referred to a "court of honor" gave the Gridiron Club an opportunity to refer various questions to a "court of honor," which was set up in the dining-room and which considered personal and political disputes. Among other functionaries was a press agent. "I suppose," said one member, questioning another member of the court, "that Woodrow Wilson is Bryan's first choice for President.^" "No," was the reply; "Wilson is Bryan's second choice." "Oh, quit it," said the press agent in disgust; "there is no stuff for a press agent in Bryan." "Why not?" "Because he's his own press agent. Can't you keep him out of something just once?" "We have no supernatural powers," replied a member of the court. "That's what the Democratic party has been trying to do for sixteen years without success." Then followed these questions and answers: "What about the differences between Senator Cummins and Senator La FOLLETTE? " "Why, the only difference is that there is only one center of the stage." 262 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Do you find that Col. Roosevelt believes in the no-third-term rule?" "Yes, but he's no bigot." "Is Col. Roosevelt saying anything about his candidacy?" "Not more than a column a day. " "What is a good trust?" "One that comes across with the campaign funds." "Have you settled the row between Oscar Underwood and Mr. Bryan?" " We decided Bryan was infringing the copyright law. He had no business to try to organize an Ananias Club." "How many progressive senators are there?" "Thirteen." "Who is the leader?" "There are thirteen leaders." "What was the complaint presented by the Ananias Club against Col. Roosevelt?" "The Club claims it has lost its exclusiveness. He has elected so many members that it isn't a club any more; it's a league." "How does a man get into the Ananias Club?" "He doesn't get in; he's kicked in." Finally a question was asked as to the rumored struggle between Mr. Taft and Mr. Roosevelt for the nomination. Each member of the court was in turn asked about it, but shook his head and disappeared until finally no one was left but the press agent who was asked what he had to say about it. *'Me?" he asked; "I've got nothing 'to say. I started it." Then there was a famous Democratic steeplechase in which John Corwin as bookmaker touted the qualities of the starters, in true race-course language. In the midst of his spiel a mes- sage was handed him and he announced that "Woodrow W. has flung his rider, George Harvey, and kicked an innocent bystander, named Henry Watterson, a Kentucky editor." During the betting the "bookie" was "backed off the boards" by "Ollie James" who was putting up quantities of money on William Jennings. When the supposititious horses started, the bookmaker watched them around the course with field glasses and described POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS 263 the race. *'0h, you little Champ! Woodrow W. on the rail, William Jennings coming from behind. At the half, Woodrow a neck ahead of Champ. T. Taggart sawing Tom Marshall. At the three-quarters: Champ and Judson H. challenge Wood- row W., William Jennings back on the track. Woodrow W. moving up — " But the guests never did hear the result of the race. "You're all pinched!" said Dick Sylvester, chief of police of Washington, coming into the group. There was politics even in the initiation of a new limited member, M. Harry Stevens, who had to sing his way in as well as answer questions. One song was about Chairman Underwood's tariff bills and President Taft's vetoes of them; another was "Bryan's pleas for nominations." He was ques- tioned as to his politics. "Has T. R. announced his candidacy.'*" he asked in reply. "Not yet, but soon," was the response. "Then I don't know what I am," replied the candidate. Musical features have always been successful at Gridiron dinners. In the later years, under the direction of Philander C. Johnson of the Washington Star, several pretentious musical skits have been produced — pretentious by reason of utilizing high-class operas to fit occasions and prom- inent people of the time. Robin Hood was selected for the chief musical feature in Feb- ruary. The characters introduced were Little Jim Jarfield, Will Scarlett Lafollowit, Friar Pinshow, Dame Marketing, and a lot of others. There was a Sherwood Forest and out from it peeped at different times no less than ten Uncle Joes, finally all ap- pearing and singing a chorus, "Howdy, Uncle Joe." The most "feeling" song of the skit was the parody on Promise Me in which "Dame Marketing" complained of the non-fulfilment of the promises to reduce the high cost of living in the following: 264 GRIDIRON NIGHTS ..j'/„^''-'-.;i You promised me that one day I could buy A steak without a mortgage on the farm. You said, with Dr. Wiley's help, you'd try To shield the family stomach from all harm. And yet when I take out my pocketbook each day, And see how all my old man's coin has slipped away, I shed another tear-drop as I say You promised me; you promised me. Let the Hammer and the Anvil Ring, a parody on the armorer's song sung hj "Will Scarlet Lafollowit," also was charac- teristic and pointed. To the tune of The Old Cross Bow was the following reference to Col. Roosevelt: A statesman who dwelt in the Outlook's edge Was deft with his old big stick. A dove of peace lit on his window ledge ; He hit it an aw^ul lick. He stopped awhile, and to sigh began; They heard him both near and far: "If you wait for the office to seek the man The office says, 'Stay where you are.'" There were two distinct "finds" at the Gridiron dinner that night. One was Senator Kerx of Indiana who told Hoosier stories, and his early experiences in politics and as a newspaper POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS 265 editor. Then there was Senator Penrose of Pennsylvania whose exquisite, dry humor caused roar after roar of laughter. "After the battle," might accurately describe the dinner of December, 1912. In fact the Club put on as its most preten- tious offering the "Battle of Armegeddon," using a Roosevelt expression of the campaign. Only one of the candidates. Presi- dent Taft, was present, but the three campaign managers. Chairman Hilles, Chairman McCombs, and Chairman Dixon, sat side by side at the head table. Hilles and Dixon had grown so bitter toward each other during the campaign that they could not find language in which to express themselves, but they had to be "reconciled" at the Gridiron board. All made speeches, but McCombs did not have to explain his campaign claims. Almost as soon as the dinner began a "White Wings," with a dump cart came in and began to gather up the "rubbish of the campaign." The first was a pair of broken bull-moose horns. "If that's the kind of junk he's after," remarked a member, "there is a lot of it about." Then members all around the table handed in contributions. Among the articles were: Last positive prediction of the election of their candidates by Charlie Hilles and Joe Dixon; dope from the press agents; the smile that wouldn't come off; Bill Bryan's bluff at big business; two empty wallets marked C. P. Taft and G. W. Perkins. The Republican electoral colleges of Vermont and Utah came in seeking some one upon whom they could confer their eight votes for vice-president. Various names were suggested, and rejected, when a bleating of an animal was heard outside. "It's a goat," they cried, in unison; "Nail it!" and rushed out. The initiation of Edward B. Clark of the Chicago Evening Post and Charles P. Keyser of the St. Louis Globe-Democrat as members of the Club afforded an opportunity to emphasize the fact that only two States had voted for Taft. After every election one of the electors of each State is appointed a messenger to carry the records to Washington and 266 GRIDIRON NIGHTS hand them over to the President of the Senate. This has been a custom since the beginning of the government. Clark was the messenger for Vermont and Keyser for Utah. They told their stories in limericks, Keyser reciting this one: Every man's a standpatter in Ute, And his ten wives are voters to boot; They all went daft Over William H. Taft, He's the biggest man next to Reed Smoot. Clark followed with this: In the Green Mountain State, recoUec' Bill Taft won out by a neck An' we'd elected him If they hadn't rejected him In forty-six States, by heck! This initiation was also made the vehicle for the exhibition of lame ducks of the late election. These included former Speaker Cannon, Nicholas Longworth, Cy Sulloway, Wil- liam McKiNLEY and John Dalzell. They assumed to be Republican reorganizers, but didn't get very far. Their views w^ere expressed in a song. We've got to go, but we're coming back some day. Cannon, Longworth, Sulloway and McKinley came back two years later. For a part of the summer previous to the dinner a com- mittee of the Senate, with Senator Clapp of Minnesota, presid- ing, had been investigating campaign expenses past and present. The committee had made no report, so a number of Club members personating the committee started to fix up a report. As the testimony of each witness was discussed the chairman would ask, "Did he get anything on T. R..'*" That was the idea carried through the mock investigation. Clapp was a great admirer of the Bull Moose champion. There was one pointed hit at William Loeb, Jr., who, it was said, "didn't get anything on T. R. but din put one over on Taft." "How was that?" asked a member. POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS 267 "Why," was the reply, "doesn't he hold a twelve-thousand- dollar Taft job and didn't he swear to a hundred-thousand- dollar alibi for Roosevelt?" LoEB was collector of the port of New York during the administration of Mr. Taft. A musical skit entitled The Bull Moose Fight or Carmen Up-to-date, prepared by Philander C. Johnson, was presented. Incidentally it touched upon Mexican troubles. "Don Jorge W. Perkinsario," appeared and said that the Mexicans were getting tired of fighting and particularly of bull fighting. He asked permission to take America's Bull Moose to Mexico. President Garthe consulted President Taft a moment and said: "The President assures me that you can have him and welcome." At that moment the "Mexicans" rushed across the border. "Carmen" and others sang and then came a demand for the Bull Moose. He was produced — a member enveloped in a large moose head. Various toreadors were sent against him. La Folletto, Champ Clarkio, and Hilles representing Tafto were one after another defeated. Clarkio made this suggestion: I know a way to get that Moose so grim. Why don't they turn Bill Bryan loose on him? If they did that I'd have a good excuse For saying, "Go it. Bill! Go it, Bull Moose!" Then came the call for Don Wood-rah-rah-rah-rio Wilson, and a member made up to look like a combination of toreador and Gov. Wilson entered and, pointing to the Bull Moose, sang a song which among other things proclaimed: I'll bowl him over with classic lore; Lines of Euripides, phrases of Sophocles, Plato and Plutarch, at him I'll roar. The Bull Moose sank to the floor, crying: "He stabbed me with a Latin conjugation," and expired. The "Battle of Armegeddon" was made famous by Col. Roosevelt in the campaign of 1912. The Gridiron Armeged- 268 GRIDIRON NIGHTS don was written by Richard V. Oulahan and staged at the December dinner. "Old Saul" was the principal figure, while couriers, war correspondents, and officers explained to him various movements which he saw taking place on the imaginary field. Jonathan Bourne as correspondent of La Follette's Weekly, and Champ Clark in the same capacity for the Com- moner were prominent figures impersonated, as were also Sena- tor Lodge, Gifford Pinchot, and Henry Watterson. Here is a part of the dialogue, when all were supposed to be gazing at the battlefield, Old Saul beginning the conversation: "Look! look! There on the spreading plain the combatants clash and slay. To the right the gentleman on the antlered animal dashes toward the large general seated on the putting green. Many men with strange weapons follow the bull moose.'* "They are the tennis cabinet." "Who are the men surrounding the large man?" "They are members of the Taft cabinet.^^" "Why are they not in the battle?" "They will get into the battle just after it is over." "Look! look! The Colonel is trying to break the solid South!" "Will he break it?" "No; but he will break Perkins and Munsey." After a fierce clash of arms had sounded: "What happened then?" "The spear that knows no brother failed to recognize its son-in-law." Finally it was announced that the battle was over and that Wilson had won. Saul started away saying that he was going to Washington to seek a job. "But you're not even a Democrat," some one protested. "I have been," said Saul, "a life-long Democrat since the battle ended." The menu souvenir was a little pamphlet entitled the "Grid- iron Club's Guide to Office Seekers in Washington." It con- tained brief suggestions to the horde of Democrats who would POLITICAL FLAVOR OF DINNERS 269 be in Washington in a few months, with illustrations showing how carefully their applications would be preserved. It also hinted that the "open door" policy of President Wilson would not be realized, and that nearly every day would be the President's busy day. On the first page was a picture of the President under which was the fol- lowing : This is the President's office. The man inside is the President. Take a good look at him now, For reasons which will be ob- vious later. Another page showed a clerk receiving appli- cations for office and on the next he was depositing them in the waste basket. A picture of a pretentious hotel showed where they would stop when they first came to Washington and on the next page a tumble- down old boarding house indicated where they would live later. Many office seekers have gone through that kind of an experience when administrations change. Shots were taken at everybody who had a prominent part in the campaign that year. Speaker Clark was a target and the several allusions coupling him with Bryan did not please him a little bit. He felt that a Gridiron dinner was no place to air his political grievances and yet he was in no mood to make a funny speech after having been flicked on the raw so 270 GRIDIRON NIGHTS many times. The raps at Taft were over the shoulders of his Cabinet officers and subordinates and although he was intro- duced by a song which was a tribute to him personally, several allusions were pointed enough to bring out a rather severe retort when he spoke. It was supposed to be the good-by dinner to President Taft, but he was present once more and had an opportunity to see a Gridiron forecast of the Democratic administration which was to succeed him. CHAPTER XXVII TAFT SUN SETS — WILSON ON THE HORIZON An Inauguration Parade — "Mr. William" and '*Mr. Theodore" Attempt to Ride One Animal and Smash IT — All-Bryan Cabinet Advises One Presidential Term — Democratic Tourists in Statuary Hall — Rush for Office Repulsed by Prof. Higher Education. PRESIDENT WILSON did not attend the dinner of the Gridiron Club in February, 1913. If he had been present he would have obtained a hint as to the guesses of the Washington correspondents about his administration, and he would have seen an inauguration that had real ginger in it. Gov. Wilson had announced that he would not have an inauguration ball, much to the dismay of thousands who assem- ble in Washington every four years and enjoy a taste of the best society at five dollars a throw. Addressing the new President of the Club, Rudolph Kauffmann of the Washington Star, the chairman of the inauguration committee said: "In accord- ance with your request the ball with its tango and turkey trot has been abandoned, but the time honored parade will take place as usual." The inaugural procession entered the dining-room. It comprised nearly every member of the Club and the "organizations" represented were: the Staunton Brass Band, the New Jersey National Guard, Princeton Professors, Southern Colonels, College Boys, Tammany Tigers, the In-Bad Club, and the Suffragettes. The college boys belonged to the "Wanta Eata Pie Frat." The In-Bad Club was represented by George Harvey, Henry Watterson, August Belmont and Thomas F. Ryan. Each organization had its slogan as it passed in review before the President. Mr. Wilson also might have seen the Gridiron idea of the first meeting of his Cabinet. There were ten members, all £71 272 GRIDIRON NIGHTS made up to look like William J. Bryan. The member imper- sonating Mr. Wilson at first referred to the gathering as the faculty but corrected himself. The Secretary of State first entered. *'You have never attended a Cabinet meeting before, Mr. Secretary .^^ " he was asked. *'No," was the reply, "but I have made three attempts." WILSON Cabinet "I shall lean on you, Mr. Secretary," was another state- ment, which seems to have been somewhat prophetic. Each member as he entered had something to say touching upon an idea or act of Mr. Bryan's. There was a discussion of policies in which allusion was made to a number of innocuous subjects. Then he who was Secretary of State handed over a paper, saying: "Mr. President, I have put a few thoughts on paper con- cerning the paramount policy of the administration. I will leave them with you." "I have done the same," announced each member in turn, leaving the chief alone. He picked up each and glanced at it, and said : WILSON ON THE HORIZON 273 *'This is odd. Each one of these memoranda makes the same suggestion. They all say, 'The thing to bear down on hard is one four-year-term for the President of the United States.'" The initiation of John E. Monk of the St. Paul Pioneer Press and John P. Gavit of the New York Evening Post was held under the auspices of the Sigma-Pi-Pi-Sigma, a very pro- nounced Greek letter organization, the letters standing for "Stand Pat Progressive Society." The candidates were pre- sented as "Mr. William" and "Mr. Theodore." The skit was much more severe in the thrusts at Roosevelt than at Taft, but there were two lines which were characteristic of both men. They were spoken when the "goat" was brought in. As the candidates would not ride the ordinary animal, one with two heads was provided, that of an elephant at one end and of a bull moose at the other. "Mr. William" eyed the animal suspiciously and said: "If it wasn't that I'd given my word to my friends that I'd ride I'd back out now." "I promised my friends that I wouldn't ride," said "Mr. Theodore," with emphasis, "but I am going to all the same." Both mounted at the same time and the "goat" broke down. As they scrambled to their feet, "Mr. Theodore" exclaimed: "Hurrah for me! I couldn't run the darned thing, but, by Godfrey, I smashed it." Rip Van Winkle, in the character of former Vice-President Adlai Stevenson, awaking from a sleep he had fallen into when presiding over the Senate, discoursed on things that amazed him. He remembered Bill Taft as a jolly judge, Theodore Roosevelt as a civil service commissioner who had gone to New York to be a policeman, and was amazed to find that they both had been President. "Free sugar will never be constitutional," he asserted when told that Ed. White of Louisiana was Chief Justice. La Follette, he recalled, was McKinley's side-partner in crime in making the McKinley bill. His eyes finally lighted on former Speaker Cannon. 274 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'Well, there's something real, anyway," said the ancient, "which proves I am on earth and at a Gridiron dinner." There was a scene in Statuary Hall in the Capitol, which, Henry Hall, acting as guide, explained to a number of visit- ing Democrats, was the national Valhalla. He spoke of the marvelous echoes of the old chamber, once the hall of the House of Representatives, and turning to the group as Demo- crats, said: "Will you, rejoicing in your party's triumph, and animated by the loftiest patriotism, voice that wish which I know dwells in every true Democratic heart?" "I want to be postmaster in my home town," said one. "You big stiff! don't you know Taft has put all the fourth- class post-offices under the civil service," was the "echo" from among the "statues." Then a Missouri man, somewhat hard of hearing, became intensely interested in a large statue and was told that it was that of Ollie James. "I thought it was he," said the man from Missouri. "I knew him from the first. I'm proud to see Missouri's favorite son in this national wallow." "He isn't from Missouri; he's from Kentucky," explained the guide. "Didn't you say Jesse James?" asked the man from Missouri, in disgust. There was a statue of former Senator Bailey. "You will observe," said the guide, "that he holds in his hand his great masterpiece, the Constitution of the United States." "Can I get a copy?" asked a tourist. "It is out of print," replied the guide, "but its place is shortly to be filled by an up-to-date constitution by an anony- mous author whose gifted pen has given to the world 'The Winning of the West and Losing of the East, or Playing Both Ends of the Repubhcan Party against the Middle.'" "Ah, there is our peerless leader, William Jennings Bryan,'* said a tourist. WILSON ON THE HORIZON 275 "Observe," said the guide, "how truthfully the artist has de- picted him in the attitude of declining a presidential nomina- tion." The statue was extending both hands as if reaching for something. "Well, what I want to know," said a tourist, "is whether the Great Commoner will be the next nominee?" "When all others fail consult Dr. Wilson," replied the guide. "Does he know.?" "Not yet." Miss Democracy's Mascots introduced a number of interest- ing characters, over which the shade of Thomas Jefferson presided. There were Miss Tariff Reform, Miss Filipino Inde- pendence, Miss Investigation, Miss Riff-rafferendum, besides a Democratic mob that wanted offices right away. Miss Tariff felt quite apprehensive that she was going to be reduced. Miss Filipino Independence, to the tune of the Superstitious song, thus expressed her ideas: I have a strong suspicion, Chorus: A strong suspicion. That I should be a pet. Chorus: A pet, And placed in the position Chorus: In the position, Of a high toned brunette, Chorus: Brunette. And then Herndon Morsell as Professor Higher Educa- tion, in a college cap and gown, wheeled in on a bicycle and he and Harry Stevens, as Miss Democracy, gave a duet after the Gobble song. Thus sang the professor: Let higher education be The one ambition of your dreaming. 276 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Miss Democracy: But there are friends who look to me For something more than high-brow scheming. Professor Higher Education: We'll stand together, rain or shine. In spite of threatening disasters. Miss Democracy: But how about those friends of mine Who think they ought to be postmasters? Professor Higher Education: I will educate them yet. Miss Democracy: But they want theirs, you bet, When they say to you: "Office, office, office." Professor Higher Education: I repeat to you, bah! Miss Democracy: The victors want the spoils, you know, You'll have to give the gang positions. Professor Higher Education: I say that offices must go To patriots — not to politicians. Then the Democratic mob which had assembled surrounded the professor and in chorus sang: But we all want ours, you bet. When we say to you: "Office, office, office." To which Professor Higher Education scornfully replied: And I repeat to you, Bah, bah, bah! WILSON ON THE HORIZON 277 A "school of journalism" conducted by Blythe, with Coo- LIDGE and OuLAHAN as pupils, brought in queer items of news. The first was a discovery of importance, to the effect that "after forgetting it for sixteen years John Barrett, Director of the Pan-American Bureau, has remembered he is a Democrat." "Did you find out why Senator Lodge is the only Senator in the Academy of Immortals?" "Yes, sir; Senator Lodge got up the list." "How about answers to correspondents.^" "A man wrote in and asked why did Mr. Taft carry Ver- mont and Utah.^ The answer is that no members of Mr. Taft's cabinet campaigned in those States." "What is a remarkable coincidence.'^" "The most remarkable coincidence of the year 1913 is that at the very moment Professor Wilson becomes President Wil- son President Taft becomes Professor Taft." As a shadow cast before, the menu was a card of education, being entirely in Latin, while seen dimly were many Yale bull- dogs, referring to the connection with that college then recently made by President Taft. One of the songs was about the changed condition in poli- tics: Politics is not the good old game it used to be When money talked so free And bosses ruled with glee. Once the gang would simply go and grab the ballot box. Throw out the votes and fill it up with old tin cans and rocks. I want a gang just like the gang we had in days gone by, They never heard folks say a word of this uplift so high. We'd vote the heelers and repeat the list; For argument you used your fist, I want a gang just like the gang We had in days gone by. There was a good-by to President Taft. He had been a guest at nearly every dinner since he had been President and he was presented with one of the big bronze gridirons which 278 GRIDIRON NIGHTS are given to our friends who are departing. A standing invita- tion to all future dinners was extended and a farewell song intro- duced him for his last speech to the Gridiron Club as President of the United States. At the next dinner we saw another man in the place so long occupied by Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Taft, the first Democratic President to attend a Gridiron dinner. CHAPTER XXVIII BREAKING IN A NEW ADMINISTRATION President Wilson at His First Gridiron Dinner — Jef- FERSONIAN DEMOCRACY AT THE WhITE HoUSE INTER- VIEWING THE New Cabinet — Democratic Light-house Keeper and the Good Ship Platform — Bryan Bears the Brunt of Gridiron Satire — Burlesque of Events in Song and Skits — Vice-President Marshall Makes Good. SIX weeks after he was inaugurated, President Wilson attended his first Gridiron dinner. It was given in April, 1913, and for the purpose of starting the new administra- tion right in the Gridiron way. President Wilson enjoyed him- self, perhaps, although he may not have enjoyed the shafts aimed at members of his Cabinet. His speech was of a character that showed contemplation, if not preparation, and might well have been intended for publication, as it touched mainly upon the comments in the papers concerning his first month in the White House rather than upon the program of the Gridiron dinner. President Wilson did not comment on the various skits and make replies as did his predecessors, often with cutting sarcasm, for both of them knew the art of hitting back. We would have been much better pleased had Mr. Wilson adopted that course. It is just a little disconcerting to observe that your very best wit and satire apparently has made no impression. Washing- ton correspondents have long known that the severest punish- ment that can be inflicted upon a statesman is to ignore his existence. Perhaps part of Mr. Wilson's subtle sarcasm was to ignore our carefully studied efforts. Early in the evening the President was made aware of the character of Gridiron dinners when Thomas F. Logan of the Philadelphia Inquirer, and Robert H. Patchin of the New York Herald were initiated as young reporters. They were sent out to interview prominent guests. 279 280 GRIDIRON NIGHTS *'Did you interview the Secretary of War?" Logan was asked. "Yes." "What did he say?" "He denies it." "What does he deny.?" "That's what I asked him, and he said it didn't make any difference what; it was the immemorial custom of the War Department to deny everything." "Did you interview the Secretary of State.^" Mr. Patchin was asked. "Yes, I asked him if he thought President Wilson would succeed." "What did he say?" "He wanted to know whether I meant succeed now or suc- ceed himself four years hence." "Did he express any opinion of the present chances of renomination?" "He hinted that the odds were against him by about 16-to-l." Other questions and answers touching on the men and the times were introduced. This one showed what the newspaper men thought of the Secretaries to the President during the Taft administration: "Do you know the Secretary to the President.'*" "I know this Secretary to this President." "Haven't there been secretaries to other Presidents?" "Not since Wm. Loeb, Jr." The reporter who interviewed Postmaster-General Burleson found that he was going to enforce the civil service law "if it costs him every Repubhcan postmaster he's got." From Secretary Daniels one of them learned that the Navy chief had found a way to pass a bill through the House for increasing the Navy. He would recommend "one new battle- ship for each congressional district." Secretary Tumulty was interviewed on a number of subjects of political and personal interest at the White House: A NEW ADMINISTRATION 281 "Did Mr. Tumulty explain why the President attends a different church every Sunday?" "He said it was a part of the administration's economy program." "How's that.?" "It's cheaper to move than to pay pew rent." After Wm. Loeb had been interviewed: "I suppose Mr. Loeb knows what has been worrying the Bull Moosers so much lately?" "Certainly; they have been prophesying what is going to happen to the Presidency in the hands of Woodrow Wilson. ' ' "Are they afraid he'll make a failure of it? " "No, they're afraid he won't." One of the reporters was sent to interview Mr. Underwood, and was asked: "How does he like having Mr. Bryan in the Cabinet? " "He says it's bully." "He means that it's like a bull — ?" "Yes — in a china shop." As all the persons mentioned and nearly every member of the Cabinet were present the effect of these personalities was quite amusing to the other guests. There was a song relating to oflSce holders. It assumed to be quoting Secretary Tumulty when the place hunters came to the White House. This is the chorus, mentioning all members of the Cabinet: It looks like snow, snow, snow. I think the weather Looks like snow, snow, snow; Let's get together If an office you pursue; You must play peek-a-boo With Burleson or Daniels, Garrison or McAdoo; It looks like snow, snow, snow. If Bryan fails you, If McReynolds or Wilson say, "No," You can come back again At Redfield, Houston or Lane, But not at Wood-row-row. 282 GRIDIRON NIGHTS There was a song about the Washington moon, telling of dull days in New Jersey and the mourning of Atlantic City mermaids since Wilson left the State, ending with this chorus: Smile on, good old Washington moon. Silver ripples throwing On the river flowing; While the Democrats gather 'round the teepee And sing this tune: "Indians on the warpath may attempt a flimsey-flam; Big Chief Wilson does not give a " Smile on while we're singing this tune. Old Washington moon. Mr. Bryan must have felt that night that he was President Wilson's "whipping boy." It is related that in the best royal families the naughty princeling escapes punishment by having a "whipping boy" who receives what would naturally be the portion of the ordinary youth. Many shafts that would have been flung directly at another President were passed on to the Premier in the Cabinet. In one skit showing the difficulties under which the good ship Platform labored in her efforts to reach port, "Old Bill Bryan, Keeper of the Democratic Light," was the principal character. Some of the dialogue shows how pointed were the thrusts : Hoke Saoth (as Champ Clark enters) — Hello, Champ! Bill Bryan's coming back to be keeper of the light. Clark — I never liked that fellow. Hoke Smith — What did he do to you? Clark — I tried to ride a trick mule at Baltimore once, and was just about to win the prize when he put a burr under the saddle. McAdoo — Tell me, Hoke, why was the Democratic light doused in 1896.'' Hoke Smith — Mark Hanna wanted no light on the Gold Coast. Daughter of the Light House Keeper — You were Captain of the Platform three times, were you not, father? Bryan — Aye, three times I was cast away on a desert island. Clark — Yes, and they say at the State Department you are there yet. A NEW ADMINISTRATION 283 Penrose-Smoot (trying to cajole the Daughter of the Keeper) — I'll shower golden guineas in your lap. Daughter — Take back your gold. I want only American silver dollars at the present legal ratio of — by the way, what is the present legal ratio? Finally the Platform was hailed in the offing. Many of her planks were missing, but it was announced that she had 15,000 Democratic office seekers aboard. The member personating Bryan strode forward, and with hands lifted appealingly toward the head of the table, asked: "Mr. President, what shall we do?" President Kauffmann bent over as if consulting the Presi- dent, and then replied: "President Wilson says take the ship to sea again and sink her." The Liberty Bell arranged by Philander C. Johnson to fit many tuneful numbers in The Chimes of Normandy served to bring back Jeffersonian Democracy to the White House. In- stead of appearing as an ancient character he was a typical Southern gentlemen, saying he was a Virginian by birth, and that his home was in the White House. He first encountered Mrs. Grundy who, in song, told him about social conditions in Washington, and offered her assistance, so that he could surround himself with people with bank accounts. *'I shall not need your help," he said. "What I want is brains, not money." "You can get brains for $25 per week," said Mrs. Grundy, "You don't know what you are up against. There are ghosts in the White House; ghosts of the policies of previous adminis- trations. Here they come." Then they came — a number of white-clothed figures — and each sang a verse telling whom he represented. High Protec- tion, Dollar Diplomacy, Monopoly, Imperialism, and Money Trust were among the number. Asked how he would get rid of them Jeffersonian Democracy replied that he would get some one to ring the liberty bell. Then followed a song closing with the words: 284 GRIDIRON NIGHTS We think we've found the man to ring that bell, WooDROW Wilson, you're the man to ring that bell. And at the same time a huge bell of flowers swung from a place of concealment and hung over the President's head. A few hours before the dinner of December, 1913, President Wilson sent a note of regret that he could not attend on ac- count of a very severe cold, but the members of the Cabinet were present, and nearly all of them received attention. This was particularly true of Secretary Bryan. There were rumors that the Secretary of State would not attend the dinner. iVnnouncements had been made in the social columns of the Washington papers that he was to be the guest of honor at a dinner given by one of the Ambassadors. But seated at the left of President Kauffmann at the beginning of the dinner was the Secretary. As the dinner progressed members of the Club would make a casual remark to their guests, such as, "That looks like Bryan up at the head of the table; we heard he was not coming." That started a lot of talk. "That's Bryan," or "That isn't Bryan," etc. About ten o'clock the Secretary of State appeared in the dining-room and was announced by the member accompanying him. "Mr. President," began the real Bryan, "that man Han- ford has been impersonating me long enough. It's all right, perhaps, for him to do so at Gridiron dinners, but he may try it on the diplomats and there will be complications." Mr. Charles B. Hanford, who for a second time had suc- cessfully "looked the part of Bryan," acknowledged his identity, and said his desire to imitate all great actors had lead him to assume the role of Mr. Bryan. Mr. Bryan had been lecturing and some one had discovered that yodlers were a part of the program at one place. This furnished a theme for the Gridiron Club and the music com- mittee produced a yodler with a song that contained thrusts A NEW ADMINISTRATION 285 at the Secretary. Later there was reference to grape juice and a few other personal matters. The " Mexicanizing " of the United States government also introduced a __ HEXfC AMIZlNG Our Government mem- ber made up as Bryan who took a prominent part in dominating the new government. In another skit there was a reference to the Jolien letter of President Wilson wherein he said it was *'a pity Bryan could not be knocked into a cocked hat." Altogether it was a Bryan night, and while he came up smiling, retorted in a witty speech, and told some wholesome truths, be showed some feeling; not so much about the Grid- iron skits aimed at him, but on account of the general criticism that he had received during the time that he had been Premier in the Cabinet. The initiation of E. A. Fowler of the New York Sun, Arthur B. Krock of the Louisville Courier -Journal, John P. Ryan of the San Francisco Post, J. Fred Essary of the Baltimore Sun and Thomas W. Brahany, a limited mem- ber, afforded an opportunity to play upon the currency bill which was then pending in Congress; the initiation committee organized the federal reserve board, and issued unlimited quantities of cur- 286 GRIDIRON NIGHTS rency. The claim was made that the newspaper men had to have this money to pay their initiation fees, as they had been unable to make anything on account of the press censorship of the new administration. One candidate read from President Wilson's New Freedom the following: Let there be light. It is necessary to open all the processes of politics. They have been too secret, too complicated, too roundabout; they have con- sisted of too much private conferences and understandings. Then other candidates read orders from different cabinet members about having all news given out by themselves, and asserted that the new conditions had suppressed news and con- sequently reduced their incomes. However, their security for the "new currency" was accepted on account of the emergency. At one point a porter wheeled a large hamper into the dining-room. It was consigned to the Gridiron Club. When it was opened a woman sprang out, shouting, "Votes for women! Votes for women!" She announced that she was Mrs. Pank- HURST, the English suffragette, who was giving quite a number of people trouble about that time. There was considerable difficulty in removing the lady owing to politics, the statement being made that ten States had woman suffrage. Finally a member saying he was Dudley Field Malone, Collector of the Port of New York, appeared on the scene and claimed the aigrettes on the woman's bonnet. As he snatched them away the disguise came off and everybody saw the features of John S. Shriver, the Club's Secretary. Let Them Go was a song in which it was stated that those who wanted to go should not be restrained. If Roosevelt yearns for the jungle Let him go, let him go, let him go. were opening lines of the chorus and the same words were applied to Congressman Gardner of Massachusetts, Gen. HuERTA, and John Barrett. A NEW ADMINISTRATION 287 A musical skit entitled AdlaVs Ax, a weapon that gained fame in the first Cleveland administration when Adlai E. Stevenson was Assistant Postmaster-General and removed many Republican postmasters, showed the necessity for the resurrection of that instrument to meet the demand of the Democratic ofiice seekers. Of course "Miss Democracy" and a "hungry horde" were in evidence. The idea of the partici- pants was summed up in this verse and chorus, to a tune in The Daughter of the Regiment. We labored long and hard, you know. When Democrats were in the dumps. When in the saddle sat the foe, How they kept putting us over the jumps. We're strong for kindness and for love. Yet while we train a rosy wreath. We want to see the velvet glove With a hand of iron underneath. Bring forth the cleaver of your sires — Adlai's blade of long ago; Give us the weapon that inspires Terror to each political foe. Arguments and persuasive arts Hostile instructions will not check, While we're appealing to their hearts. Let's give 'em some arguments in the neck. An attempted interpretation of the income tax by Blythe, Coolidge, and Oulahan, each reading a portion of the law and trying to find out what it meant was an amusing feature. No one enjoyed it more than Oscar Underwood and other members of the House who were responsible for the act which taxes incomes. Mexicanizing the government furnished an opportunity to show what might happen by applying methods south of the Rio Grande to the politics of the time. There were revolutions and counter-revolutions; a great deal of noise and with it all some sharp raps at various important individuals. Such men as 288 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Secretary Bryan, Secretary Tumulty, Speaker Clark, Vice- President Marshall, Senators O'Gorman, Cummins, Reed, Borah, Hitchcock, La Follette, Bristow, and Penrose being Mexicanized for the occasion. In the skit there was a vice-president who was constantly butting in, getting in the way, and being kicked out. At every appearance he was thrust aside as of no account and finally handed a large turnip. Perhaps that, or the Gridiron spirit, caught Vice-President Marshall, for he made a speech a few moments later just fitting the occasion. His comments on the uselessness of the Vice-President, the humorous view of his duties, his mild thrusts at Senators and the Senate produced much mirth, while a number of Indiana stories quite completed a genuine Gridiron speech. CHAPTER XXIX AN EVENTFUL YEAR EPITOMIZED Happenings of 1914 Depicted in the Gridiron Way — Valentines for Guests — Satire on the Policies of Cabinet Officers — Up-to-Date Cabaret — Pursuit of the Trusts — Apt Alliteration Looks for Watch- ful Waiting — Election Causes Conflicting Claims — Uncle Sam's Wards — Photographing the Senate — Old Home Week. THERE was disappointment for a time at the Gridiron dinner of February, 1914, when President Ernest G. Walker of the Boston Herald, read a letter from Presi- dent WooDROW Wilson expressing his deep regret that illness prevented him from attending. Many of the skits were based upon features of the Wilson administration that were suscepti- ble of Gridiron interpretation. But other members of the administration, nearly all of whom were present, received a fair share of attention. The dinner was on St. Valentine's day which inspired Ira E. Bennett, chairman of the menu committee, and Cartoonist Berryman to turn out valentines for various guests. These were in the familiar highly colored and exaggerated comic valentine style, with a little verse appended in way of explana- tion, or applicable to the person in the picture. Like all poetry for Gridiron purposes they made little pretense to excellence in versification, but sought to reach the objective point in the most effective manner. As in all of Berryman's cartoons the faces of the individuals were not exaggerated, the caricatures pertaining to something they had done to bring them into prominence. That is one reason why his pictures always have been particularly pleasing at Gridiron dinners. They were amusing, but left no sting. A few samples will show the general character of the souvenir: 289 PRESIDENT WILSON Th' applause of listening Senates to command When Senates do not merely laud, but listen; To have a certain party eat out of his hand Are WooDROw's triumphs, and are solely his'n. Hail to the Chief, the Common People's friend! May health and fortune's smile be ever thine; May the whole nation's praise thy steps attend, And 1916 bring a Valentine! JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER, JR., OF NEW YORK Shall hateful tyrants, mischief breeding. With hireling hosts, a ruffian band. Affright and desolate the land, While peace and liberty lie bleeding? To arms, to arms, ye brave! POSTMASTER-GENERAL BURLESON, OF TEXAS Postmaster-General Burleson Cried in stentorian tones, "The only monopoly I indorse Is the one the Government owns; I want the key men to call me Boss; And the girls on a million phones! " SENATOR JOHN W. KEEN, OF INDIANA Good friend, for mercy's sake forbear To raise a breeze with these whiskers near; Blest be the gink that lets them float. And curst be he that gets his goat. ■^^ SENATOR WILLIAM E. BORAH, OF IDAHO "If you seek a man of mark, Look at Borah," said Wise Champ Clark; "He rides 'em east, he rides 'em west, He'll choose the one that rides the best; Maybe the elephant, maybe the moose, But one thing's sure — he's got to choose!** ¥G m>m^'' GOVERNOR TENER, OF PENNSYLVANIA Out of the frying-pan into the fire, Tener to baseball fame doth aspire; He thought it was hot in politics' pan. But wait till he hears from the outraged fan ! SECRETARY WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN, OF NEBRASKA The Dove of Peace, we may remark. Is an early bird and it left the Ark Ahead of all the rest. It does not fight, but it gets the worm, And it rides high above the storm And always finds its nest. COUNT J. H. VON BERNSTORFF, THE GERMAN AMBASSADOR The Kaiser chops and chops all day, The doctor said he should; But his Ambassador, they say, Just keeps on sawing wood And making good. COL. GEORGE HARVEY George Harvey, here's a health to you! The members of the Gridiron crew Salute you gaily; There's so much good that you can do. The North American Review Should be a daily. George Harvey, though you are no saint, You do not pose for what you ain't; You're on the level; You do not wield a poison pen; Go on, then; tell the truth to men And shame the devil! AN EVENTFUL YEAR 299 The inauguration of President Walker, a native of New England, afforded an opportunity to bring together the Puritans of the North with the Cavaliers of the South, a mingling of the Obadiah Walkers of Massachusetts with the Captain John Smiths of Virginia. It proved quite an entertaining byplay, also giving Mr. Walker an opportunity to announce that the Gridiron Club stood for one presidential term. To initiate Sumner M. Curtis of the Chicago Record-Herald and Ben. F. Allen of the Cleveland Plain Dealer the Club transported (in fancy) the dinner guests to one of the islands of the Caribbean Sea, where the candidates appeared as two of Mr. Bryan's observers, as certain agents of the State Depart- ment were called. They happened upon a number of dark skinned *' generals" who were holding an election. One of these officers informed the agents of the United States that their last election was the fairest the country ever held. *'What did the returns show.^^" asked an observer. *' Eighty-seven killed on each side," was the reply. A gatling gun was exhibited as an evidence of the care which was taken to insure absolutely fair elections in these semi- tropical climes. Secretary Daniels' efforts to reform and uplift the Navy were satirized in a skit where a young student attempted to give instructions to a class of old shell-backs, inculcating equality on board warships and imparting other interesting information. The following were among the questions and answers : What are navy yards for? Social centers for the general uplift. What are the best ships in the navy? The North Carolina and the Raleigh. What is naval strategy? Carrying John Lind from Vera Cruz to Pass Christian without letting any- body know it. Finally the proceeding was interrupted by a petty officer who, with a cat-o'-nine-tails, and much fierce language, drove 300 GRIDIRON NIGHTS the men to their work of holystoning the decks and polishing the brasses. The Gridiron Cabaret, an up-to-date show, in which members of the Club were guests and waiters, was the interesting musical feature of the dinner, introducing several old friends and one we had not seen before. The Colonel, Charlie Murphy, Uncle Joe and Gen. Huerta were the principal characters. The Colonel and Murphy began the talk at the tables, the former observing that it was a Democratic administration. "How do I know it.^" asked Murphy. "Why don't you go to the White House and demand recogni- tion.'*" suggested the Colonel. "They might recognize me," was the reply. "You know the President, don't you.^" asked the Colonel. "Sure," said Murpjhy, "but it ain't mutual." The whole party seemed to be a gathering of down-and-outs and were especially doleful, which moved Uncle Joe to say: "Oh, wake up, Huerta, and tell us something. Isn't John LiND visiting down in your country.'*" "Visiting!" replied Huerta. "He's a regular boarder!" "What is he doing?" was asked. "Me; I guess," responded Huerta. Then he sang a song based on the ram that "rambled all around," and it was somewhat prophetic of the later life of the wonderful old Indian who had ruled Mexico with an iron hand. To the bumble-bee song the Colonel sang a verse ending, "I've been stung by the Presidential bee." "So has he! So has he! So has he!" buzzed the chorus, pointing at various persons in the room. "It has sure inoculated me," continued the Colonel. "So we see! So we see!" chirruped the chorus, and then all joined in the closing words: Yet these Presidential bees Are buzzing in a way to please So I don't care if they keep on stinging me! AN EVENTFUL YEAR 301 The principal skit was The Trusts, the pursuit of them by Attorney General McReynolds, and the efforts they made to seek compromises and immunity. Pursued and hounded on every side the main character under the title, "Trust," had sought a wilderness home with his daughter "Infant Industry," now a strong and buxom young lady. But even here they were pursued by the Attorney-General, pestered by George W. Perkins, beset by the mob, and rescued finally by the "Cheer- able Brothers" with their legislative compromises and agreements. As the big parchment of peace was signed by representatives of different trusts souvenir quill pens were distributed to the various magnates of big business who were guests at the dinner as a guarantee of good faith and amity. Among the recipients were Frank W. Vanderlip, John D. Archbold, and John D. Rockefeller, Jr. The member of the Club presenting the pen to Rockefeller, after a supposed conversation with him, said: "Mr. Trust, Mr. Rockefeller says he would like another pen for an absent member of his family." , When President Wilson used the words "watchful waiting" in regard to our attitude toward Mexico he gave an opportunity for the Gridiron Club to present a short skit. An old, hoary, and white-whiskered individual appeared, and upon being asked his name replied: "Apt Alliteration." "That's an odd name," remarked President Walker. "No more so than Woodrow Wilson or Champ Clark or Luke Lea or Tom Taggart or Bill Bryan or Swager Sher- ley," was the response. Apt Alliteration explained that he was looking for his boy baby, "Watchful Waiting." "Dollar Diplomacy," he added, had been killed by the Dreadful Democrats. Then he recalled "Tippecanoe and Tyler, too," and " Fif ty-f our-Forty or Fight," and "Rum, Romanism, and RebeUion," and several other famous alliterative phrases of the past. He was rudely restrained in his reminiscences and he then asked, "Isn't this a Dollar Dinner?" 302 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "Certainly not. It is the dinner of the Gridiron Club.'* "Then," said Apt Alliteration, "Pitiless Publicity is here!" This was denied, as reporters were never present. When he learned that both Pitiless Publicity and Watchful Waiting were absent the patriarch went away. "Good-night," he scornfully said, "presidents, politicians, pencil-pushers, and predatory pirates!" "Watchful Waiting" was again heard when the "Pass Christian Fire Department" appeared. President Wilson had spent a short time on the Gulf at the quiet old village in Mis- sissippi and while there had joined the fire department as a volunteer at a small fire. Many viscissitudes had the "firemen" undergone before they reached Washington. They ran into all sorts of State railroad regulations, interstate commerce com- mission rulings, and court injunctions. Besides, they had trouble about State law^s and their rights to carry liquor on the train. They had come to the Gridiron dinner hoping they might see their honorary chief. While they were there a blaze appeared in the gallery and they were given an opportunity to show what they could do. But there was so much talk and delay that they were finally told the fire would soon get the best of them. "The policy of this department," said the chief, "is * watchful waiting.' If you wait long enough the fire will put itself out." Mr. Bryan's grape juice also was remembered. A member of the Club, as an eminent chemist, secured the services of Dr. Harvey W. Wiley and taking a glass of grape juice from the place which Secretary Bryan would have occupied had he been present and a stein of beer from in front of the German Am- bassador, carried them to Dr. Wiley who stated that the alcohol contents of each would be demonstrated by dropping a certain chemical into the liquids. Nothing happened to the beer, but the grape juice became a veritable Fourth of July geyser. Dr. Wiley declared the test was in favor of the German contention that there was more alcohol in grape juice than in beer. Count Bernstorff had attended a number of dinners of the Gridiron Club. Once before he had figured in a little German AN EVENTFUL YEAR 303 skit and in his speech replied very happily. And so it was with the grape juice stunt. He w^as perfectly willing to enter into any little game where it would help. It was at this dinner that an interesting discovery was made. Gov. Tener of Pennsylvania, and President of the National Baseball League, was called upon for a speech. He said it was evident that he was sent in as a "pinch hitter." And he cer- tainly "made a hit," with a speech full of baseball allusions. Vice-President Marshall, substituting for President Wilson for a second time, made a speech that bubbled over with quaint humor and clever anecdote. He had caught the Gridiron spirit; he knew the Gridiron way; and he made a speech in every way appropriate to a Gridiron dinner. It is just as it happens. Sometimes the annual anniversary dinners of the Gridiron Club are the important ones of the year. Then again it is quite possible that the fall or first dinner in the winter season turns out to be the chief event of a Gridiron administration. And that proved to be the case in regard to the dinner of December, 1914. Soon after the dinner began, Wm. E. Brigham of the Boston Transcript was initiated. "I wonder," said David R. McKee, a member of the com- mittee, and a charter member of the Club, when the paper was mentioned, "if that is the old Transcript. I used to know that paper fifty years ago." "Then you know it now," replied another member; "the same yesterday, today, and forever." Mr. Brigham was brought in and subjected to a quiz by members of the committee. Here are some of the questions and answers : "Of course, you know," said Chairman Dodge, "that to be a member of the Gridiron Club you must be a Washington newspaper man in good standing." "I am pretty good in standing — in Secretary Bryan's anteroom." "Well, how many words would you wire to the Transcript if an earthquake should engulf the White House?" "In this administration?" 304 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "What difference does that make?" "In this administration I shouldn't wire anything." "Well, how many words would you wire if Senator Lodge should split an infinitive?" "Why, in that case, I presume they would transfer our book reviews from the first page to make room for my article." "Why, in your opinion, does Mr. Bryan call the last election result a vic- tory?" "Because it's the only kind of a victory he's been used to." "Do you dally with the fine arts?" "Nothing to dwell upon. I paint landscapes, do sculpture a bit, write higher criticism and tread the minuet." "What is the only vulgar event you and your paper were ever interested in? " This question stirred the emotions of the candidate. No longer was he a high brow, but a rooter for the Boston Braves who had won a world's baseball championship. "Gee!" he said, waving his arms violently, "didn't we trim them stiffs! Say, you know when them bum Athletics come up from Philly and tried to swipe the woild's championship from us guys, we made Eddie Plank look like the one- term plank in the Baltimore Platform! An' we win! We win! — " And then entered the Boston Braves lead by Stallings, the Miracle Man, and bore Brigham away in triumph, just as President Walker was about to announce that the Boston man was duly qualified for membership. Who won the political contest in the election of 1914.'^ Men recognized as leaders in both the old parties claimed substantial victories, while representative Progressives have asserted their entire satisfaction with the result. The Gridiron idea of the result was represented by a prize fight in which a number of members were the chief participants representing different parties. Bull Moose was the referee and he at times gave voice to ideas and intonations very like the leader of that party in 1912. It was announced that "his decisions have never been questioned even when overruled by the Supreme Court." Kid Democracy was one of the contestants, introduced as the present champion, while G. O. P. was described as the heavyweight champion for sixteen years, though knocked out in UNCL£ SAMS Gridiron Dinner, December, 12, 191 4 AN EVENTFUL YEAR 305 1912. '*This contestant claims that he can come back," said the announcer. The fight was a war of words rather than with the gloves, although Ben. F. Allen of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, who represented Kid Democracy and Perry S. Heath, a charter member of the Club, who represented G. O. P., were attired and equipped for a regular go in the ring. They shook hands and backed off in a sparring attitude. "I brought peace to Mexico — that for you," said Kid Democracy. *'You closed all the mills; how did you like that one?" said G. O. P. "You are a crippled old party and the creature of the predatory interests," puffed the Kid. *' You've thrown thousands of men out of work and put a tax on beer," shouted his adversary, as he clinched with the Kid. "He's hitting me with his tariff knuckles!" cried the Kid. The referee separated them and they retired to the corners where their respective attendants vigorously fanned them. The audience could hear the advice of the seconds to their principals. G. O. P. was advised to "use your tariff knuckles on him more and more; that is the way to wear him down," and "when you get a chance soak that bull moose, he's the fellow that is keeping you from victory." Kid Democracy was told to "give him a little more of that Mexican chili-con-carne and some of that Andrew Carnegie dope." Then the second round began: "The Underwood tariff caused the European war," said G. O. P. "No; Penrose caused the war," declared the Kid. "Free trade caused the war, and caused the French revolu- tion and the big wind in Ireland and the fall of the Chinese empire," shouted G. O. P. Finally Kid Democracy and Bull Moose took the count, G. O. P. proudly declaring himself to be "an old party that can come back," but Kid Democracy jumped up and shouted: 306 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "I have not been licked, but vindicated." The troubles of Uncle Sam were brought out in a musical skit in which members of the music committee represented all the American possessions overseas, as well as the problems of the negro, the Indian and other peoples in the country at home. There were quips directed at the latest financiering propositions, notably the suggestion that the government issue money on cotton and farm products. Col. Henry Watterson and Col. George Harvey had recently accepted invitations to the White House, which accounts for the following verses to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean, rendered by two members made up to look very much Hke the two colonels. One night as I lay on my pillow, One night as I slept in my bed; A voice came to me through the stillness, A voice full of kindness which said: ' " Come back, come back. Come back, dear colonel, to me, to me; Come back, come back. Oh, come back, dear colonel, to me." I promptly accepted the summons. My heart filled with peace and content; I proudly stepped up to headquarters And thus to my feelings gave vent: "I've come back, come back, I've come back, dear leader, to thee, to thee; I've come back, come back, I've come back, dear leader, to thee." "Uncle Sam," asked a supposed business man, "why did the Democrats tax business paper, chewing gum, billiard rooms and circuses, and let whisky go practically scot free?" "Why, I suppose they wished to lay the tax upon those things that are best able to bear it." AN EVENTFUL YEAR 307 "B-u-n-k, bunk!" ejaculated a politician with a big cigar and silk hat tilted to one side. "Well, Mr. Politician, perhaps you can give a better ex- planation .f^" *'The answer is easy. The tax bill was passed in October. The election was in November." "What did the election have to do with it?" "I hate to tell you. You are too young to discuss these subjects. Listen to my farmer friend, who will tell you in song." And then Harry Stevens, as the farmer, gave this version of Coming Through the Rye: If you have to lay a tax, Don't put it onto rye. Put it onto luxuries, But keep it off of rye. Stick it onto chewing gum Or billiard cues, say I, But for the love of Mike, I beg you, ^ Keep it off of rye. When election day is near , Don't try to tax old rye. Because a lot of votes somehow Seem friendly to old rye. Be kind to old John Barleycorn, Don't pause to question why; Tax any blooming thing you like. But don't disturb old rye. In the fall of 1914 Vice-President Marshall gave permission to a photographer to take pictures of the Senate chamber, some- thing that never had been permitted before. Senator Lee S. Overman of North Carolina made a strong objection, asserting that as chairman of the committee on rules such permission should have been obtained through him. There was quite a brisk interchange of opinion on this subject, and the Gridiron Club made a stunt of the incident. 308 GRIDIRON NIGHTS A session of the Senate was held in which a score of senators, who often figure in the proceedings of the real Senate, were impersonated and pointed allusions made to their idiosyncrasies and pet ideas. It ended when the photographer came in to take the picture and every senator pushed to the front in order to be in it. The alleged pictures were immediately shown on a screen while Thomas W. Brahaxy, imitating the old-time whine of the picture playhouse singer, put forth a mournful ditty about the price of cotton and implored everybody to "buy a bale of cotton to help the cotton planter in our fair Southland." Old Home Week was a skit in which Joseph G. Cannon, William McKinley, Nicholas Longworth, Ebenezer Hill, Cyrus Sulloway, and William A. Rodenberg all victims of the election in 1912, but elected in 1914, were welcomed home by Jim Mann, leader of the Republican side. "Bring all the family.^" was a question asked of Longworth. "All except Father-in-law; he didn't seem to take much interest in Old Home Week," was the response. Charlie Curtis, of Kansas, who is part Kaw Indian, came bounding in with a whoop, dressed in an aboriginal costume. He had the scalps of Neeley, Bristow and Murdock, all of whom he had defeated for the Senate. The act closed with a reference to Mr. Bryan's plowshare, which he was using as an emblem of peace. A dozen capitalists and corporation men present were called up and presented with plowshares with the hope of general business peace so that everybody could have an Old Home Week. An allusion to Col. Roosevelt and the election of 1914 was introduced when Herndon Morsell, made up to look much like the former President in a Rough Rider costume, sang several verses of which the following was the chorus: I'm on the way to Oj^ster Bay, Beneath my sheltering roof I've got to stay. I sing a song Of things gone wrong On the last election day. AN EVENTFUL YEAR 309 I'm no longer trusted, They have got me flustered, And the big stick's busted. That's why I'm on my way to Oyster Bay. I've come to say good-by. Methods of the Federal Reserve Board were burlesqued in a short skit showing the Gridiron idea of the manner in which the business was conducted, and that was that it was dominated by Secretary McAdoo who ruled the Board with a firm hand. One amusing stunt was a parody on the Gridiron Club itself, illustrating the methods of the entertainment committee in preparing a skit for a dinner. Holding in their hands proofs of what was called a "Cabinet Meeting skit" different members of the Club read their lines while others commented and made suggestions. For various reasons lines were eliminated or changed, the whole effort going to show that the committee was trying to get up something amusing without allow^ing any- thing malicious or rough to appear. Members of the Cabinet present enjoyed the skit as much as did the other guests. The menu was a "Blue Book" in imitation of the various colored books which have been issued by different European governments. The "Gridiron Blue Book," contained alleged dispatches between persons of prominence and related largely to politics and the acts of the administration. Looking forward to the next presidential campaign the music committee, to the tune of Ifs a Long Way to Tipperaryt had these suggestions to presidential aspirants: It's a long way for Charlie Whitman, He's a long way to go; It's a long way for Charlie Whitman, To be President, you know; Perhaps he can get there; he has started strong, It's a long, long way for Charlie Whitman, For he may go wrong. 310 GRIDIRON NIGHTS It's a long way for Woodrow Wilson, It's a long way to go; It's a long way for Woodrow Wilson. For another term, you know; What will be the outcome remains to be seen; It's a long, long way for Woodrow Wilson, Till nineteen sixteen. CHAPTER XXX THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE CLUB XXX Displayed in the Beautiful Decorations an Emblem OF Three Decades of Gridiron Dining — Current Events Depicted in Many Skits — Troubles of Mother Democracy — Bryan Receives Much Attention — Pirates of Politics a Merry Musical Band — Trial of Presidential Candidates. THE Roman numerals XXX conspicuously displayed in every part of the beautifully decorated dining-room of the New Willard hotel on Saturday evening, February 13, 1915, reminded guests that the famous Gridiron Club was thirty years old and was fittingly celebrating that event. But even without such a display our friends would have been made aware of this fact, for President Edgar C. Snyder, of the Omaha Bee, in welcoming the guests, alluded to the anniversary and several speakers during the evening commented upon the work and development of the Club in three decades. An interesting feature of the anniversary was the assembling of the entire membership of the Club in the open space in front of the President to participate in his inauguration. It was a strictly informal gathering; in fact it partook of the nature of a revolution, for there were mutterings of discontent and demands for information. The apparent reason for the gathering was a desire to ascertain who was really occupying the place of the President of the Club, the assertion being made that Mr. Snyder had impersonated Vice-President Marshall in Gridiron skits so often that there was doubt as to who was who. To allay fears of a substitution a demand was made that he submit to an identification and Hteracy test. Among the questions and answers were the following: 311 312 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Have you conspired with Vice-President Marshall to swap your office for his? No! He has to associate with the Senate. Are you familiar with ancient history? Well, I remember when my friend, W. J. Bryan, first ran for President. Have you ever read any Indiana author? No! The Lord forbid! The last answer was vehement and made with uplifted hands. "That's more than the Vice-President of the United States dare say," said Chairman Clark of the inauguration committee. "It is final proof of identification and of mental fitness. Is it all right?" turning to the members of the Club. They shouted their approval, and Mr. Clark went on: "A House Bill provides for tags for Congressmen, so that raiding sheriffs may know them. This emblem will save you from the fell mischance of being taken for a Congressman; and also will be the mark of your high office." He then handed Mr. Snyder the jeweled Gridiron and de- clared him inaugurated. The souvenir was a booklet containing all the skits and musical numbers presented by the Club at the dinner. It also contained a brief review of the principal events of the Club during the past thirty years, written by Frank G. Carpenter, chairman of the menu committee. Chauncey C. Brainerd of the Brooklyn Eagle, Harry J. Brown of the Portland Oregonian, and Arthur J. Sinnott of the Newark (N. J.) Evening News, were presented for initiation as the three orphans, Prohibition, Woman Suffrage, and Fifteenth Amendment, and were dressed and made up for the parts. They were roughly seized and placed upon what appeared to be three red-hot Gridirons over a blazing fire and questioned by different members of the initiation committee, Prohibition first undergoing the examination: Have you any friends who will recommend you? Yes; Senator Sheppard, of Texas, and Representative Hobson, of Alabama. Have you any other friends in Congress? THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 313 I have plenty of friends on the floor of Congress, but none in the cloak- rooms. What did John Sharp Williams mean when he said that a man who was sober because he had no chance to get drunk was just as drunk as if he wasn't drunk? He meant a psychological jag. To Suffrage these questions were addressed: What do you want of the Gridiron Club? Do we need lady members? If you adopt Prohibition, you will need some attraction to get your guests here. We understand that you recently made a call at the White House. Was there a dance there? Yes, sir. What did the President dance — the hesitation? No, the sidestep. Then came the turn of Fifteenth Amendment: Haven't you already been adopted ? I may have been adopted, but I sure has been neglected. Did you ever vote ? Yas, suh, once. What did you get for it ? Fo' months on de rock pile. Wasn't that rather severe? Yas, suh, but dey found out dat my grandfather didn't come over on de Jim Crow Mayflower. Who is your grandfather? Lord, man, doan you ever hear ob my grandfather's claws ? They done been manicured by Senator Tillman. You can't bring in your grandfather. There's no place for him. Yo' better speak respectable ob him. They's some pretty prominent grand- fathers in Washington right now. That was an allusion to the White House baby. Disguises were then taken from the three orphans and when their identity was proved they were adopted as members of the Club. The first speaker of the evening was former Senator Chaun- CEY M. Depew of New York. Only one guest present. Gen. 314 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Felix Agnus of the Baltimore American, had been an earlier attendant of Gridiron dinners than Mr. Depew. He was in- troduced with a song, to the tune of Hold Your Hand Out, You Naughty Boy, with this chorus: Here's to Chauncey M. Depew, With our compliments to you. Once more, as in days of yore, O Chauncey! O Chauncey! With a song we'll welcome you, As we always used to do. You're the tie that binds us to the years gone by; Here's to Chauncey M. Depew. Mr. Depew told interesting things about his experiences at Gridiron dinners in earlier days and also remarked upon its marvelous growth, it having developed into one of the great and useful institutions of the country. Mother Democracy was a skit illustrating the trials and tribulations of the party in power. First she had the care of two squalling brats, Philippines and Ship Subsidy, whom, as she told Uncle Sam, the Republicans left on her doorstep. Then came her own lusty and somewhat noisy children. Tariff, Income Tax, Currency and Trade Commission, who declared in chorus: We are mother's children four. We were born in Baltimore. Uncle Sam observed that he did not see Presidential Primaries or Rural Credits. "They are sleeping, Uncle Sam, and I don't want to disturb them," responded Mother Democracy. Then came Ship Purchase Bill, wailing, and Mother Democ- racy comforted him with the By Baby Bunting song, saying that "Willie's gone a hunting," and would bring home a rabbit skin. Mr. Bryan had been hunting in Virginia a short time before and shot a rabbit, which occasioned a query as to the violation of the game law and caused considerable facetious comment. THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 315 And just at that moment a member made up as Bryan with a gun and a rabbit came in. "Golly, kids, but it's a cold night across the Potomac in Virginia," he said. "Uncle Sam, this is my nephew, Willie," said Mother Democracy. "He's a great hunter." "Yes, a great job hunter," shouted Ship Subsidy. "Willie," continued Mother Democracy, "has had some thrilling adventures and several narrow escapes, haven't you Willie.'^ "Yep," replied Willie; "onct I almost shot a tiger in Baltimore." "Yes," said Mother Democracy, "and three times he was trampled under foot by an elephant; weren't you, Willie.'^" "Yep," was the reply, "but the most dangeristest animal is the Bull Moose, only they ain't any more 'cept in the story books." "Where did you get that rabbit?" sternly asked Uncle Sam. "I shot him," was the reply. "'I shot more than a million — I shot more than ten million; and I brought this one home to prove it." At this juncture the game warden of Fairfax County, Vir- ginia, entered and said: "In the name of the law, I arrest this young man for hunting, just as I would any poor woodchopper." "I wasn't hunting," declared Willie. "Well, what are you doing with that gun.^" demanded the warden. "That ain't a gun; it's a plowshare." "Where did you get that rabbit.^" "Man gave it to me." "What man?" "Friend of mine over in Virginia.'* 316 GRIDIRON NIGHTS "What's his name?" After some hesitation and being prompted by one of the other "children," Willie replied: "Thomas Fortune Ryan." "Oh, well," said the Warden, "if Thomas Fortune Ryan gave it to you it's all right. If he wanted to, he could give away half the state of Virginia and a lot of statesmen." Just then there was a great commotion and shouting outside. "Oh, my!" exclaimed Mother Democracy, and, turning to Uncle Sam, "that's the horrid Filibuster family next door. They drive me frantic; there's Burton Filibuster, Gallinger Filibuster, Root Filibuster and Lodge Filibuster — and they're always breaking the windows and throwing stones at my chil- dren." With shouts and clatter this family of "boys" came in and threatened the children of Mother Democracy. "We'll make mince meat of these kids," said one. "Here's Shipping Bill. Let's stick pins in him and make him eat angle worms," said another. "No, let's drown him. That's what we should have done to Currency and Trade Commission," said the third. "No, that's too easy; let's talk him to death," said the fourth. Just then a voice through a megaphone was heard, saying: "Indianapolis, Indiana!" "What's that?" everybody inquired. "His Master's Voice," said Ship Purchase Bill, and the megaphone continued, quoting from the President's Indianapolis speech : "If a man will not play in the team, then he does not belong to the team." "If you children don't stop quarreling," said Mother Democ- racy, "I know somebody who is going to keep you in school after March 4." "And that," said Uncle Sam, "will be mighty tough on your Uncle Sam. Shoo!" And he drove them out. THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 317 Squash Center, made famous by Clifford K. Berryman in his cartoons, afforded an opportunity for two members of the Club to present a skit based on the report that Secretary Red- field was to issue a paper in which matters pertaining to the government were to be set forth in an interesting manner. Silas Butterfield and Hiram Corntassel, two farmer-looking individuals, impersonated by Sumner M. Curtis and myself, came in, Curtis announcing that they were going to look over the paper. "Let us hear what you find in it," said President Snyder, and then followed readings from the alleged newspaper, of which the following are samples: Looks kind o' spicy, but I don't see anything in it about Ham Lewis's whiskers. Humph ! Reckon then 'taint much of a newspaper. Wal, maybe the editor man's jealous; that fellow Redfield's got some whiskers hisself, "They say that that squint in the Speaker's eye has been caused by lookin' over at Jim Mann before makin' a rulin'." 318 GRIDIRON NIGHTS " Will Borah Sundayed on a bench in Lafayette Park overlookin' the White House." "Theo. Shonts, John F. Stevens and John F. Wallace are visitin' in our midst." Ain't them the fellers that started in to dig the Panama Canal.'' Yep, but they slid out before the slides began. Hello! Here's Mutt and Jeff. What's their latest caper? Hold on! Thought at first it was Mutt and Jeff, but it's only a pictur' of Bristow and Martine havin' a argymint in the Senate. It says here that W. G. McAdoo is a candidate fer President. Is that in the advertisin' columns ? Nope, that's in the funny colyum. 'Pears to be a right smart line of advertisin'. "If you fox-trot don't fail to try one of J. Ham Lewis's speeches on your Victrola." "Buy your gasoline and kerosene at Rockyfellers; there ain't no other place to get it." "Go to Bryan's State Department store for fancy notions." "A broken line of party ties cheap at George Perkins's." "Boies Penrose keeps the best cigars." I know that — he gave me one of the others. It says here that Charley Fairbanks aspires to direct the next national administration. Wal, I dunno but them diplomats and Washin'- ton sassiety folks would jest as soon live on butter- milk as grape juice. Don't see any war news anywhere; Well, here's a dictograph report of what the Dem- ocratic Senators are sayin' about each other in the cloak-room. Stop right there, Si! Throw that sheet away and come on home. This ain't no paper for the family. Senator Borah of Idaho had been a guest at many dinners, but on this occasion especial attention was given him because of the talk about his presidential possibilities. He was intro- THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 319 duced by a song to the tune of Good Night, Little Girl, Good Night, with the following words: The town of Boise gets awfully noisy Over her favorite son ; All are attention at the mere mention That he intends to run. Should he take a flier at something that's higher. Some people think he would win; So you just remember that in some November, They may put him over and in. A "Court Room Scene" was unusually interesting because it afforded an opportunity to "try" six prominent men, three of one party and three of another, all mentioned in connection with the presidency. The Court was conducted much as other courts, the prosecuting attorney being particularly snappy and vindicative, the judge ponderous, and the bailiff active and haughty. The first case was the People vs. Charles S. Whitman, Myron T. Herrick and William E. Borah, each impersonated by members of the Club and giving his occupation as that of Presidential Candidate. They were charged in an indictment, in which Woodrow Wilson was complainant, with not having an idea. Each in turn was placed upon the stand and required to answer questions as to whether he had any ideas and in the end the judge declared there was no such thing as an idea, and therefore discharged the defendants as not guilty of having that which did not exist. The other case was that of the People vs. William G. McAdoo, Champ Clark and William J. Bryan, who were charged with having closed the mills and causing hard times. They were impersonated by three members of the Club. Answer- ing about the deficit, McAdoo asserted there was no deficit; and if there was a deficit it was caused by the Republicans. Champ Clark was asked what was his idea of hard times and replied, "The Baltimore convention." He was requested to 320 GRIDIRON NIGHTS repeat his remarks as to the Democratic nomination in 1916. "I said," was the reply, "that if Wilson made good he could have the nomination; if he didn't nobody would want it." *'Do you want it.^^" "No!" roared the Clark impersonator. Bryan was put through a long course of questions as to his whereabouts on each inauguration day after his different defeats and also as to the state of the weather on those days. Each time he was at Lincoln, Nebraska, and the weather was cold, and so far as he knew^ the country was prosperous and the mills all running. Then ensued the following questions and replies: Where were you on March 4, 1913.'' I was in the White House. The White House, Mr, Bryan? Pray, what were you doing there? I was eating luncheon with the President of the United States. What was the weather on that day? 'Twas a beautiful, balmy day, full of hope and promise. The birds twittered in the tree-tops, and every cloud had a silver lining at the ratio of sixteen — (Judge, pounding with gavel) — Confine yourself to facts, Mr. Bryan. Now, Mr. Bryan, don't you know, as a matter of fact, that immediately after that luncheon the mills stopped running? So did I. Do you expect the mills to start running again? Oh, yes. And will you also start running? I refuse to incriminate myself. From time to time during the court proceedings a little man would bob up with the remark, "If your honor please," but could get no farther because he was seized by the big bailiff and jammed into his chair. "Bailiff, who is this man?" finally asked the court. "I am Louis D. Brandeis, the people's only friend," de- clared the little man. "Bailiff, do your duty," said the Judge, and the little man was hustled out and the court adjourned. THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 321 Soon after the music committee assembled and a lame duck song was sung for Mr. Bryan to the tune of Fm Going to Get a Girl Called Ivy, with this chorus: Once a job I sought from Garrison, He said it wasn't any use; Next I went to Lane and Wilson, But they gave to me the old excuse; I tried Burleson, but he treated me the same, And I'm sick of seeing McAdoo; But I'm sure to get a job from Bryan, For I'm a lame duck, too. At the beginning of the dinner there appeared in the dining- room a dilapidated and ancient personage which proved to be the Bryan Resigna- tion Rumor. Chairman Bennett of the Entertainment Committee was directed to remove it, which he did without ceremony. But again and again came the rumor wan- dering about with the waiters and getting in the way. Time after time Mr. Bennett put him out, but he returned. He was there when the song introduced Mr. Bryan, and what the Secretary did to that Resig- nation Rumor was a-plenty. What here- tofore had failed Mr. Bryan accomplished; the rumor faded away and everybody at the dinner believed that Mr. Bryan intended to remain Secretary of State for the next two years. There was a touch of sarcasm in] the apology he made for occupying so much time and attention at the dinner. "For I am a lame duck, too," ran the last line of the song. It gave Mr. Bryan a theme and afforded him an opportunity to pay a tribute to the lame ducks who had made good. He mentioned many of them, but not all. "I am sorry," he said afterward, "that I did not mention 322 GRIDIRON NIGHTS McKiNLEY and Taft. McKinley was a lame duck as a result of the congressional election in 1890 and afterward was twice elected Governor of Ohio and twice elected President of the United States, defeating an excellent man as I have personal reasons for knowing. He was President during a very important period of the country's history. *'Then I should have paid a tribute to Taft as a good loser. I could have said that his cheerfulness and fortitude under defeat were greater than mine, for he gave up something of which he was in possession while I lost only that which was in prospect. "But it is just as I have always maintained," he added. "I always make my best speeches going home in the carriage." The Pirates of Politics or the Slaves of Booty was a musical skit prepared by Henry Litchfield West, chairman of the music committee, who also wrote the lyrics for the other songs of the evening. Some of the Pirates of Penzance music was utilized for songs by the Progressive, Suffragette and Prohibition Pirates as well as by the Democratic-Repub- lican-Old-Time Pirate, and for the choruses; all parts taken by members of the Club. In the beginning the Pirate Chief an- nounced his intentions of leaving his asso- ciates forever. *'I feel it is now my duty to destroy you," he said. "Gee! Your name must be Wicker- sham," remarked one of the band. "But we are not pirates. We are re- formers," asserted the Progressive Pirate, who spoke like Col. Roosevelt and was dressed in khaki. "Merely a distinction without a difference," said the Chief. "Both would like to sail the Ship of State." "Say, Chief," asked one of the band, "when the pirates used to make people walk the plank, did they mean the Panama Canal Plank or the One Term Plank?" THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 323 This was not answered, and the Prohibition Pirate sang, Hail, oh, hail the water wagon, in which were these Hnes: We have joined the Hobson Union, In good standing one and all; No more will we hold communion With the devilish high-ball. Then the Progressive Pirate came forward with this: Oh, better far to live and die Under the spotlight's glaring eye Than play a simple, quiet part, With a modest mien and a shrinking heart. Out of the country I may go. To find where doubtful rivers flow; But I'll return, I'm free to state. To live and die a candidate. For I'm a candidate. And I never, never hesitate. To be a candidate. For I'm a candidate. "Piracy, practical politics and petticoats, is my alluring and alliterative platform," announced the Suffragette Pirate. "I want a vote," and then sang this pathetic appeal: I want to vote. That is my sole appeal: The petticoat Surely should vote Our wrongs to heal. I want to vote. Give me the ballot soon. Then will I find True peace of mind ! O, grant me this one boon! Chorus: Take heart, patient and true: Some day 'twill come to you. 324 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Then the Progressive Pirate, the Suffragette Pirate and the Democratic-RepubHcan-Old-Time Pirate sang a trio about the paradox when women stuffed the ballot box. This was followed by the Progressive Pirate and Chorus as to why the Statesman's Lot is quite a Happy One. The RepubHcan-Democratic-Old- Time Pirate sang a song, concluding: For whatever party's in, Or what candidate may win, All of us divide the swag, And the people hold the bag. And the people hold the bag. At this point came the Suffragette Pirate with this: So, you pirates, do your duty; Keep your eye upon the booty; Promptly grab the tootie-frootie; Don't let any get away. For, despite your best endeavor. You cannot hold on forever, From your graft you'll have to sever When New Freedom gains the day. Then with a rousing chorus. Hail, Hail, the Ganges all Here, the Pirates departed. Secretary Daniels, who has often been a guest and had his share of roasts, came back at the Club in a speech which avoided the usual taffy about the power of the press, etc. He roasted different members of the Club saying they were merely news- paper men like himself. Senator Wadsworth of New York made his first appearance as a Gridiron guest and made a speech. His term had not then begun. At the dinner he met for the first time his colleague- to-be, Senator O'Gorman. *'I believe I can assure you," said O'Gorman, "that New York will have a harmonious delegation in the Senate." During the evening several bulletins were read as coming from the Senate where a most peculiar situation then existed. THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY 325 Senator Norris of Nebraska sometimes voted with one side and sometimes with the other and held the balance of power. The first bulletin announced that "Senator Norris is now voting with the Republicans and they are in control of the Senate." A little later another bulletin was read substituting Democrats for Republicans and still another Insurgents for the parties. The last stated that the Nebraska Senator refused to vote and the Senate was deadlocked. Dear Old Wabash was the song, so Mr. West said, that the Vice-President liked best, and to introduce him a verse of this was sung, but the music committee had decided that something less formal and more personal would be appropriate and so to the tune of Coine, Landlord, Fill the Flowing Boivl, another song was sung of which one verse and the chorus follow: He'd like to speak both night and day, But we won't let him do it; We'll let him have a little say, So let him now go to it. For tonight we'll merry, merry be. For tonight we'll merry, merry be. For tonight we'll merry, merry be, We're going to hear Tom Marshall. And once more the Vice-President substituted for the Presi- dent at a Gridiron dinner, and made a speech, full of humor, good stories, a little pathos, and a sentence or two of politics, which were particularly interesting at that time. Then the quartette sang good-night and closed the Thirtieth Anniversary dinner of the Gridiron Club. CHAPTER XXXI THE GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS Entertainments Aside from Its Real Function as a Dining Club — Prominent Men Have Been Hosts — Many Delightful Trips — Entertainments for Ladies — Will Attempt Gridiron Dinners Only When in Control. MEN who have been entertained at Gridiron dinners often feel the impulse to return the courtesy in some way. If the impulse lasts occasionally a trip, a dinner, or some other kind of entertainment is the result. I am bound to say, however, that many promises made toward the close of a brilliant Gridiron dinner have been forgotten before they have had even a chance to be fulfilled. But as an organization we have had our share, and we have felt compelled to decline many generous invitations, promising very nice trips and hospitable entertainment, because the members of the Club do not have time for such affairs. This is particularly true when important matters are pending in Washington. One of the first entertainments after the Club was organized was given in February, 1887, by senators and representatives who had been guests. It was a dinner given at W^ormley's, one of the famous restaurants of its day, situated at the corner of 15th and H streets, the present site of the Union Trust Building. The legislators used Gridiron methods on their guests, giving them a taste of their own medicine. Among the hosts were the following: Senators Allison of Iowa, Beck of Kentucky, Hale of Maine, Manderson of Nebraska, Mitchell of Oregon, Palmer of Michigan, and Plumb of Kansas; Representatives John M. Allen of Mississippi, Edward S. Bragg of Wisconsin, Henry H. Bingham of Pennsylvania, W. P. C. Breckenridge of Kentucky, Ben Butterworth of Ohio, Joseph G. Cannon of 326 GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 327 Illinois, David B. Henderson of Iowa, William D. Kelley of Pennsylvania, John D. Long of Massachusetts, Louis E. McCoMAs of Maryland, William McKinley of Ohio, Charles T. O'Ferrall of Virginia, Samuel J. Randall of Pennsylvania, Thomas B. Reed of Maine, and Adlai E. Stevenson of Illinois. In December, 1888, the Gridiron Club made its first trip out of Washington, in acceptance of an invitation to be the guests of the celebrated Clover Club of Philadelphia. There was a friendly rivalry at that time between the two organizations. In fact it had been asserted that the Gridiron Club was patterned after the Clover Club which was three years its senior. Both were dining clubs and both essayed to have fun at dinners. The Clover Club had adopted the method of ''bowling over" speakers, singing them down and otherwise embarrassing them. For years the same system was in vogue, to an extent, at Gridiron dinners, but gradually the methods changed, to the satisfaction of the members and their guests. In January, 1889, the Gridiron Club was entertained with the Clover Club by Mr. Frank Thompson, then Vice-President of the Pennsylvania Railroad, at his country home near Philadel- phia. On two occasions about that time the Club was entertained by Mr. George C. Boldt of the Hotel Stratford in Philadelphia and the Waldorf in New York. That was before there was a Bellevue-Stratford or Waldorf-Astoria. In the early summer of 1889 the Club was entertained at Nacirema (American reversed), the country home of Gen. Felix Agnus, of the Baltimore American. A number of men in public life accompanied the party, among them. Secretary Blaine, Secretary Noble, Secretary Tracy, and Secretary Rusk, all of Harrison's cabinet, Joseph G. Cannon, Henry Cabot Lodge, then a member of the House, Theodore Roosevelt, Civil Service Commissioner, Gen. Wm. J. Sewell, afterward Senator from New Jersey, Frank Thompson, after- ward President of the Pennsylvania Railroad, Gov. Jackson of Maryland, and many other men who were prominent at the 328 GRIDIRON NIGHTS time in either business or politics, both in the nation and in Maryland. A large delegation from the Clover Club of Phila- delphia was present and there was friendly rivalry between the two organizations as to which could excel in fun making. The Gridiron Club had not at that time reached the stage of pre- senting carefully prepared "spontaneous humor." An account, published in Gen. Agnus' paper the next day, seems to give the Gridiron Club the best of this part of the entertainment. The visit of the Gridiron Club to Nacirema developed a very interesting incident. James G. Blaine, the idol of a majority of his party, a defeated candidate for President, had been made premier in Harrison's cabinet, and it was on this occasion that he gave the first public expression of his estimate of his chief. When the Secretary of State was called upon he said, as they all do, that he had not expected that he would be asked to make a speech and then remarked that on account of his inti- mate association with the administration, in the official family, as it were, he could not say very much, nor could he speak of politics on such an occasion, and then continued: "I will say you have in the presidential chair a man who is eminently just, and who will administer this government in a non-partisan way. Before Democrats and Republicans, he will recognize that the highest and most honorable career is to be a good citizen of the United States." Three years later, Blaine was a candidate against Harrison and resigned as Secretary of State in order that his name might be placed before the convention at Minneapolis. A man who had suffered on account of newspaper criticism, Blaine at that time interested the newspaper men present when he said: "This is an age of disillusion and enlightenment. The press, with its genius and literary ability, has been eminently successful in correcting many historical errors." An interesting feature of the trip to Nacirema was a Club song written for the occasion. Learning that the band of the GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 329 Fifth Maryland Regiment was to furnish the music at the home of Gen. Agnus, John Philip Sousa procured some note-paper and wrote band music for the song. The sheets were distributed to the musicians and when the Club burst forth into song it was accompanied by the military band. In July, 1890, Mr. Jesse Metcalf and Mr. R. S. Rowland of the Providence Journal entertained the Club at Squantum, Rhode Island, an event never to be forgotten by those who were there. One of the members afterward embalming his idea in the records of the Club speaks of it as "Squantum, the famous island in Narragansett Bay, where the clambake flourishes and the champagne bottle grows to gigantic size." The handsome jeweled gridiron which the President of the Club wears at Grid- iron dinners was presented by Mr. Metcalf and is passed on from one President to another. Twice the North German Lloyd Steamship Company has dined the Gridiron Club on ships in port at New York. The first time was on the Spree in November, 1891, and the second on the Lahn in January, 1893. These were considered fine ships at the time, but would look like tugs besides the giant liners that now fill the Hoboken docks. Ladies were invited to accompany the members of the Club on the second trip to dine on an ocean liner. In May, 1893, the Gridiron Club went to Marshall Hall, Maryland, opposite Mount Vernon, where everybody and every organization must at one time or another go in order to properly occupy a place in Washington. On this particular occasion the ladies were invited. There was the usual planked shad dinner which is a feature of the place, but it was varied to some extent by having a semi-Gridiron entertainment for the benefit of the wives who always have had to take their Gridiron entertainments at second hand. Those members of the Club who were in Washington in August, 1893, enjoyed the hospitaHty of Mr. John F. Wagga- MAN at Ocean City, Maryland, where they had the unique experience of watching the sea in huge waves pound the shore 330 GRIDIRON NIGHTS and break as high as the hotel and cottages on the beach, the disturbance being the effect of a distant storm. Quite the most enjoyable trip in the early days was one to Asheville, North Carolina, when the Club members and their wives were the guests of Edward P. McKissick of the Battery Park Hotel, in November, 1893. For several days in that beautiful "Land of the Sky," all were delightfully entertained. One evening after dinner the floor was cleared and McKissick treated us to a genuine cakewalk performed by negroes in costume. We saw the real thing, which soon after became popular and was imitated in drawing-rooms of fashion. Frank Hatton, Ed Hay and Bill Nye were selected by McKissick as judges of the cakewalk. And then there was a big negro w^ho gave an imitation of a railroad train coming into the station, stopping, starting and pulling out. I have heard it a dozen times since, but never so well as by Pink Williams in the old Battery Park Hotel at Asheville. One March day in 1895, the Gridiron Club members, ac- companied by their wives, went to Philadelphia as the guests of the Cramp Ship Building Company to see the American liner St. Paul launched. Aboard one of the Delaware river steamers we spent several hours watching for the big splash which never came. The ship was on the ways and would not start. Half a dozen tugs were hitched to the St. Paul with hawsers and puffed and snorted without effect. The work of the tugs brought from E. B. Wight of the Boston Journal a quotation from the Apostle Paul peculiarly apt. Pointing to the vain efforts of the several tugs he said: "These things do not move me." And we never did see that ship take water; although we had a very pleasant outing. In the fall of 1895 quite a number of members of the Club and their wives were guests of the Atlanta Exposition for several days. In the years 1894-5 there were a number of receptions given to the Gridiron Club members and ladies. Mr. and Mrs. Frank Hatton gave the first and it was one of the most enjoy- GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 331 able reunions the organization ever had. Major and Mrs. John M. Carson, Mr. and Mrs. Crosby S. Noyes and Senator and Mrs. Arthur P. Gorman gave receptions during the winter of 1895. The Club was also entertained by Mr. and Mrs. Beriah Wilkins. Just before the close of his term as President Mr. Walter B. Stevens gave a dinner to the members of the Club. An interesting feature of that dinner was the "trying out" of vari- ous members to see if they could preside over the Club. At that time there was only one ex-President a resident member of the organization. Many of those who went through the "try- ing out" process of Stevens afterward presided at some of the best dinners of the Club. Carefully avoiding anything like a "ladies dinner," the Gridiron Club entertained their wives with invited guests in April, 1899, at the Arlington hotel. Never before nor after- ward was the dining-room so beautifully decorated. It was filled with trees, foliage, flowers, birds and small animals in cages. Ed Hay made his appearance as the fairy Titania and distributed favors to the ladies. But the good fairy also pro- duced cooks and utensils, and an excellent buffet supper was served. In January of that year Gen. Boynton, President of the Club, gave a dinner for the Club members, and in June a num- ber of members went to Great Falls by the Chesapeake and Ohio canal aboard a little steamer that plies along the picturesque waterway. On the last day of December, 1899, many members of the Gridiron Club left Washington for Charleston, South Carolina, for a short visit to that historic city of the South. Senator Benjamin R. Tillman, Senator Chauncey M. Depew, and Champ Clark of the House of Representatives, accompanied the Club as special guests. When we left Washington we had visions of shimmering sum- mer seas and tropical verdure. Although Washington is a south- ern city as viewed from northern points winter is not unknown 332 GRIDIRON NIGHTS by any means, but to our minds Charleston was "away down South in the land of cotton," and we rather fancied finding shelter from the noonday sun under a palmetto, and, at least, we expected to hear birds filHng the air with song, to see green foliage on the trees, grass covering the ground, and flowers blooming everywhere. Imagine, then, our surprise to wake up on the morning of January 1, 1900, and find the ground covered with snow. The pines and palmettos drooped like mourners with their white burdens. Icicles were suspended from thatched eves. There was a chill blast in the air, and we were glad we had brought our overcoats. "This is the first snow we have had in twenty-five years," apologized our hosts as we emerged from the cars and stamped and shivered on the platform of the station. But we looked incredulous and turning up our coat collars replied: "Oh, no doubt, but we came prepared for this kind of weather." Charleston was disappointed by the weather for another reason. It had been the intention to take us from the station and about the city in street-cars drawn by mules, but the snow would not permit the stunt to be pulled off. Charleston had one on us, however, to even up. Our quar- tette had painstakingly practised one of the popular songs of the day. "We've left our happy homes for you," was the refrain and it was the intention to spring it on our hosts as soon as we reached the hotel. But when we had assembled on the station platform and were waiting for the next move, four tough looking negroes standing on a depot truck began to whine: "AYe've left our happy homes for you." " Yah-aah-aah ! " roared Ben Tillman, who had heard the practising the night before; "now where are you at?" That coon quartette certainly spoiled our little sentimental tribute to the citizens of Charleston. Early in the forenoon the entire party, with many of the prominent men of Charleston as hosts, boarded a steamer for the purpose of seeing Fort Sumpter, Fort Moultrie, and other points of interest which are the pride of this intensely Southern GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 333 city. The Gridiron flag floated from the masthead and under its folds mingled guests and hosts making merry and bent upon having a good time. Suddenly an ofiicial looking cutter steamed out from behind an island and a shot was sent across the bow of the Gridiron steamer. Of course it stopped and waited for the ofiicers to come aboard. The whole party was put under arrest, first for flying a pirate flag (the Gridiron flag is black with a white gridiron on it); second for violating the dispensary laws of South Carolina, a search disclosing a considerable quan- tity of "wet goods" without the State label stored on the steamer. The commander of the cutter decided to place the whole party in Fort Sumpter until the question of the pirate flag and the violation of the State liquor law could be adjusted. So the boats proceeded toward the historic fortress and after sailing around it, the captain of the cutter relented, took the word of Mayor Smythe, Maj. J. C. Hemphill, and other leading citizens of Charleston, as a guarantee that they would deliver the Gridiron invaders at the proper time and the steamer was allowed to sail on its way. That was one of several stunts which Charleston put over on the Gridiron Club while guests of the city at that time. There was a fine luncheon on SulHvan's Island, a "Southern lynching," the presentation of a South Carolina deer and one of Charleston's pet buzzards. Both specimens went to the national zoo in Washington. In the evening there was a dinner, and despite the presence of Senator Tillman, who as governor had put through the dispensary law which allowed only State whis- key to be sold, there were the usual banquet accessories. It was an interesting fact that the wines for that dinner and, in fact, all of the liquid refreshments, not dispensary goods, were sent to individuals under the "original package" regulations of interstate commerce. On the way home the Club stopped at the winter resort, Summerville, and visited the only tea farm in the United States. That tea farm had become famous a few years before, by reason of the fact that Senator Tillman had secured protection for 334 GRIDIRON NIGHTS it by a tax of ten cents a pound on tea in the war revenue legislation of 1898. The morning we were at Summerville there was a slight earthquake shock, just severe enough to give us a sort of creepy feeling. The disastrous Charleston earthquake had occurred only a few years before and everybody thought of it. While we were in this mood Senator Depew was called upon for a short talk and he made one of those heart and soul speeches, with a splendid tribute to the South and especially to the people of South Carolina. Up to that time Senator Tillman had not spoken to Sena- tor Depew, either in the Senate or on the trip. Depew in the Tillman mind of that time was a most pernicious representa- tive of the Octopus. But that Summerville speech softened Tillman. He went over to Depew and shook hands. "You're a sight better man than I thought you were," was his blunt remark. In March, 1900, the Gridiron Club made a pilgrimage to New York and was entertained by the Lotus Club, as has been described in some detail in a previous chapter. The members of the Club and their ladies were the guests of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas F. Walsh at Chesapeake Beach during the summer of 1900. Senator Francis G. Newlands of Nevada entertained the Gridiron Club at the Chevy Chase Club in the spring of 1902. On that occasion Leslie M. Shaw, but a short time before appointed Secretary of the Treasury from Iowa, was one of the guests. When the Secretary was called upon to speak he was greeted by the singers of the Club with the chorus from a popu- lar musical comedy of the time which begins with the line, "When Reuben comes to town." Mr, Shaw was often called the "farmer financier." Senator Newlands at another time entertained the Club at his residence in Washington. Senator Hanna entertained the Club at a dinner in March, 1902. There was another excursion to Great Falls in June, 1902, when ladies and invited guests participated in a very enjoyable outing. GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 335 Quite a number of the members of the Gridiron Club after the Democratic National convention in June, 1904, went to Toxaway, North Carolina, for a brief rest and were the guests of the Southern Railway in what the pen picture artists of that railroad call the "Sapphire Country." In July, 1904, fifteen years after a former pilgrimage, the members of the Club were again at Squantum, Rhode Island, the guests of Mr. R. S. Howland of the Providence Journal and Senator Nelson W. Aldrich. It was in the Spring of 1906, that Speaker Cannon enter- tained the Gridiron Club at a dinner of some note heretofore mentioned. In the summer of 1906, just in time to avoid the anti-pass legislation, quite a delegation of Gridiron members went to Toxaway for a second time as the guests of the Southern Rail- way. Mr. J. M. CuLP and Mr. S. H. Hardwick were the per- sonal hosts and they did all that was necessary to convince the Gridironers that they were in the "Sapphire Country," the "Land of the Sky," or any other place that was pleasant. One of the interesting features of that trip was a night spent on the top of Mount Toxaway far above the adjacent North Carolina scenery. The Jamestown Exposition in 1907 was responsible for one of the most delightful outings the Gridiron Club ever had. Accompanied by ladies the members of the Club one August evening sailed down the Potomac River and Chesapeake Bay on a Norfolk and Washington steamer, paused for breakfast at the Chamberlin hotel, at old Point Comfort, then on to the Ex- position. They saw it all, including our little brown brothers from the far East. Some of us rode the camels and others bet on a Moro cockfight. There was a dinner with "stunts," at the Inside Inn, and next day a trip to the real Jamestown, the island in the James River; and that evening a dinner at the Chamberlin before departing for the homeward voyage on the Southland. Hon. Frank O. Lowden of Illinois, who was about to retire 336 GRIDIRON NIGHTS from Congress, entertained the Gridiron Club at a dinner in February, 1908. Hon. J. Hampton Moore, M.C, of Philadelphia, entertained a number of organizations at a dinner in honor of Vice-President Sherman in March, 1909, and the Gridiron Club was among the number. Allusion has been made to the dinner given to the Club by Mr. Nabuco, the Brazilian Ambassador, in May, 1909, which was a very interesting occasion. In June, 1910, the members of the Gridiron Club were the guests of Mr. Edward J. Stellwagen at the Blue Ridge Rod and Gun Club near Harper's Ferry. Twice the members of the Gridiron Club have entertained themselves at Dower House, an ancient home of the Calverts of Maryland. As its name indicates it came into the possession of that celebrated family as the dower of one of the brides who became a Lady Baltimore. In the summer of 1912 and again in 1914 the Gridiron members went to this charming spot for a night off and to fraternize with one another. Bachelor members of the Gridiron Club who become bene- dicts have reason to congratulate, themselves on their early affiliation with the Club for they are remembered in a fitting manner. So also do the members pay tribute to associates whose connection with the Club has been notable and who are about to leave for distant homes. Thus did they remember Scott C. Bone, a former president and Col. . 0. O. Stealey, who was a charter member. The Club has received several tokens from its friends. Beside the jeweled gridiron from Mr. Metcalf it has received a large silver punch bowl from Senator Arthur P. Gorman and a sil- ver candelabra from Senator Thomas Kearns. The material for the latter came from the mine owned by Mr. Kearns in Utah. Senator Hanna presented the Club with an ivory gavel decorated with gold. Presentations by the Gridiron Club have seldom been elab- orate, but, generally, in the way of mementos. On the occasion O 'A O 03 GRIDIRON CLUB AS GUESTS 337 of the 25th anniversary of President and Mrs. Taft they were presented with a suitable silver token. In acknowledging the gift President Taft wrote the following: *'As long as I have posterity it will be handed down as an evidence of the cordial relations which I am proud to have maintained with a band of newspaper men, with whom I have agreed and disagreed as occasion has required, but with whom I have always been on terms of the pleasantest friendship and to whom I have been indebted for much gracious hospitality." In the beginning of this chapter I said that the Gridiron Club has received many invitations in the "shank of the even- ing" which never materialized in the "cold gray dawn of the morning after." Most of these take the form of personal invi- tations to individual members by guests who are deeply im- pressed by the excellent entertainment they are enjoying. In this connection it must be said, however, that many alluring invitations have been extended the Club as an organization and to groups of members. For one reason or another, principally because we cannot afford to take the necessary time, the invita- tions have been declined. One of the most flattering was that of a great financier who wanted to take the Club to New York and give a dinner to show his New York friends what a real dinner meant. On occasions, as at the Lotus Club in New York, at Ashe- ville, at Charleston, South Carolina, at Squantum, at the James- town Exposition, and at the Cannon dinner, the Gridiron men have pulled off some of their own stunts, although they were the guests. Upon the whole, however, the Club has wisely refrained from attempting to give a Gridiron entertainment at any place or under any circumstances, save in Washington, and when the Club had absolute control and was giving the dinner, using its own methods, taking its own time, and choosing its own guests. The wisdom of this course will be apparent in the subsequent explanation of how a Gridiron dinner is arranged. Besides, in no other place save the National Capital are there the material, the guests, and the surroundings, to make a Grid- iron dinner a success. CHAPTER XXXII SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT OF THE CLUB Gridiron Entertainments Depend Upon Organization — The President Has Absolute Control — Features Begin with the Dinner — No Contributions Are Accepted — An Association of Newspaper Men Built Upon Goodfellowship and Sustained by Sentiment. GRIDIRON dinners are said to be unique. As entertain- ments they are not to be compared to anything in the line of amusement. It is quite possible that there are many persons who would prefer to spend an evening elsewhere than at a Gridiron dinner, but there are others who will come across the continent, and from many intermediate points to spend one evening with the Gridiron Club. Certainly men of affairs, men who are interested in the national government, in our inter- national relations, in business and in politics, are always glad to be "among those present." The mention of the names of those who have been guests, who have figured in the various skits, who have been "roasted," is a sufficient evidence of the popularity of these dinners with the prominent men of affairs in this country as well as the representative men of foreign nations. Enough has been said in the foregoing chapters to indicate the character of the Gridiron dinners. The purpose of this chapter is to tell how it is done, to give some of the inside his- tory of the way "spontaneous humor" is manufactured, how "canned wit and repartee" is first corralled and then let loose in a way to secure the best results from a Gridiron point of view. In the first place the President of the Club is in absolute control. After the first ten years the Club adopted the prin- ciple of rotation and it elects a new President each year. This is not a law or rule, and could be changed at any time if it 338 SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT 339 were found desirable to continue any man longer in oflSce. But it works well for several reasons. It is a great honor, and con- sequently members who think they could preside over a dinner are anxious to show what they can do, and work hard to de- monstrate their capabilities. Another thing, it graduates mem- bers whose experience as presidents is very useful in the organi- zation of dinners. Every man is Vice-President before becoming President and accordingly fits himself for the one great year in his newspaper career. As the President has absolute control so does he have all the responsibility. If there is a failure anywhere he must accept all the blame. He has the right to cut any act or stunt; he can add lines or words or make such changes as he sees fit, and he can, at the very last moment, after long rehearsals and painstaking effort, cut out a whole skit. The responsibility causes him to give careful personal attention to every detail and for a few weeks before a dinner there is no busier man than the President of the Gridiron Club. Weeks before the first dinner of his term the President appoints committees. They are six in number: entertainment, music, initiation, inauguration, menu, souvenir and reception. The first four are expected to get up one or more skits and stunts; the menu committee generally prepares a souvenir on the Gridiron plan. All the working committees hold prelimi- nary meetings and every man is asked to submit suggestions for acts, skits and stunts, which can be turned into Gridiron form. Public events, administrative acts, interesting topics of the time, in fact everything that is making history or causing com- ment, is canvassed as to possibilities for Gridiron burlesque or satire. Each committee selects a certain number of subjects. Often- times the same subject is taken by a number of committees. Then the President of the Club and the chairmen of the com- mittees consult as to which committee can best handle it. It may, for instance, fit best in the initiation, according to the number to be initiated and the necessity for a theme to bring 340 GRIDIRON NIGHTS them before the Club. Perhaps the subject may be adapted to the ideas of- the music committee, as was the case when the order was issued placing Navy surgeons in command of hospital ships. Pinafore music and Little Buttercup, and all the others, suited the occasion. When all the committees have selected their themes then work on them begins. Different members write scenarios and all are requested to make suggestions. When the draft of a skit is completed it is considered by the committee and merci- lessly handled as to length and language. The aim is to put a punch in every line. Long-drawn-out dialogue, with the joke at the end is taboo. *'Make it short, sharp and pithy,'* is the instruction. After the pruning, additions and subtrac- tions, the parts are assigned and learned. Then follow re- hearsals. Changes are made from time to time as the develop- ments indicate a chance for betterment. With the view en- tirely as to how the words will strike the diners around the table the whole skit is framed and printed. The members of the Club make no pretense of "acting," further than to convey the idea. Dependence is placed upon the lines spoken. As the rehearsals of various skits . progress the work of elimi- nation goes on. The President of the Club is presented with the problem of time. The dinner is limited to four hours and time must be given to the more prosaic part of the entertain- ment — the serving of the food. Consequently every moment is precious. Not one can be wasted. Carefully every skit and stunt is timed. Allowance is made for the laughs. The possi- bility of some prominent guest speaking too long is always a nightmare to the man who is in charge. Digressing for a moment in this regard, I am reminded of one night when Ambassador James Bryce was called upon. There never was in Washington a more delightful diplomat than this wonderful old man of Great Britain and we always liked to have him as a guest. But for some reason on this particular occasion he had a message to convey, a satire on government by the press. Describing an imaginary island and SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT 341 people he went on with what would under any other condition have been an interesting allegory. His voice was low, his enun- ciation indistinct, and only a very few heard him. His story would have read well enough, but it did not fit a Gridiron dinner in any respect. Of course, an Ambassador could not be inter- rupted and all we could do was to nervously hope for the end, fully aware that our entire program was being crowded and perhaps disarranged, while the President of the Club was "sweat- ing blood." But it was his responsibility. If the dinner was being wrecked the only query was, "Why did you call upon him.?" But in the fight for time allowances are always made for something of the kind. It means that some other, and no doubt better speaker, must be shut out. We always allowed from forty to fifty minutes for President Roosevelt. Curious as it may seem. Uncle Joe Cannon, who has been attending these dinners for thirty years, has frequently occupied twenty or thirty minutes of our time; but most of the guests liked to see him in action. The limit of four hours for a dinner was originally fixed be- cause the dinners were held Saturday night and closed promptly at twelve o'clock. Of course other nights could be substituted and the dinners extended, but right there is where our long experience has taught us that four hours of fun, interspersed with the actual dinner — and really a secondary consideration — is enough. So everything is cut to that basis. The Gridiron Club gives dinners in its own way. That is why they are called unique. Nearly all banquets start at eight o'clock and for two hours there is solid eating and drinking, with orchestra accompaniment and conversation with one's near neighbors. When coffee and cigars are served, some one at the head of the table pounds with the handle of a knife, says some- thing unintelligible and introduces another man who is styled "the toastmaster." That individual makes a long talk and finishes with the inevitable: "We have with us tonight." Then follow four or more speeches. That is the "banquet"; and 342 GRIDIRON NIGHTS although the Gridiron Club has been in existence for thirty years only a very few organizations have attempted to depart from the stereotyped form and inject Gridiron methods. The Gridiron Club never has a toastmaster. The President of the Club always presides. He is elected for that purpose. The entertainment features begin with the dinner. Various stunts, songs, skits, and even speeches, are sandwiched in be- tween the courses. There is music by an orchestra, but it is played only when the waiters are in the dining-room. It stops when they leave and another act is "staged." Everything runs along on a program figured down to minutes. The President of the Club and the chairmen of the different committees have copies of this schedule. The watch of the President lies beside his schedule and he bends every energy to keeping on time. The chairman of the entertainment committee is his lieutenant and stage manager. By signals and sometimes by brief conversa- tion they keep in constant communication and through the help of other chairmen of committees everything is ready when wanted. The success of Gridiron dinners can be summed up in one word, "organization." That includes everything, the loyalty of every member, his desire to do his part, great or small, and the careful preparation of every feature so as to get the most out of it. Not overfriendly critics have made fun of our "care- fully rehearsed spontaneous humor," "canned jokes," and "dried wit." But millions of people pay money for the privilege of hearing paid professionals on the stage unload humor, jokes and wit which have been prepared beforehand. And the Gridiron Club has only one performance. Nothing is repeated. Each dinner is new and whether or not the humor, wit and jokes have been rehearsed they are presented for the first time at a Grid- iron dinner and are not repeated at subsequent dinners. There is no place for inattentive persons at Gridiron dinners. The man who desires to secure the last particle of a tasty morsel on his plate is apt to hear a roar of laughter and he finds himself asking: "What was that.^ I didn't catch it." And if an ex- SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT 343 planation is attempted another laugh follows and another joke is lost. A Gridiron dinner is no place for hilarious persons or those who think a big dinner means heavy drinking and a noisy time. Such people get little pleasure out of a Gridiron dinner. Moreover, the necessity of carrying out a Gridiron program re- quires good order and it is preserved. Those who are inclined to be too demonstrative or noisy are warned by their hosts to observe the rules. Nor is a Gridiron dinner any place for a man who is so full of his own self esteem and ideas that he wants to talk all the time to his neighbors, no matter what is going on. Such a man is soon frowned into silence. There is a lot of politics at Gridiron dinners, but no partisan- ship. No doubt every Gridiron member is a partisan, but he interposes no objection to ridiculing his party or his political friends; in fact, he helps it along by suggestions. There is nothing in politics so sacred that it cannot be the subject of Gridiron satire. There are personalities which the judgment of a committee may declare to be a little too raw, and it often happens that a very satirical allusion, though brilliant and humorous, will be cut out by the President of the Club, because in his judgment it might overstep the bounds of legitimate Gridiron travesty or inject personalities that might be consid- ered offensive. But at the same time the Club does not have to defer to any party or person. It is independent enough to poke fun at the party in power or ridicule the ruler of the realm. In Gridiron dinners there is no malice. Much has been said about roasts, and the name of the organization implies that our guests are roasted. To a great extent that is true, but there is nothing done to wantonly wound or offend any one; there is no venom on a Gridiron shaft; no poison in the cup. While we expose humbug, ridicule many pet policies, satirize those who by their acts offer themselves for the purpose, there is never any maliciousness; no intention of cutting deep enough to leave a scar. Long ago the Club decided to refrain from the boisterous 344 GRIDIRON NIGHTS methods of bowling over a speaker with shouts and songs. While on rare occasions the perplexities of a ready talker were amusing, we soon realized that mere noise was not wit and that preventing a man from making an after-dinner speech was not humor. The Gridiron Club accepts no contributions from any source. No guest can pay for a dinner. The invitations are personal save for a dozen extended by the executive committee to dis- tinguished guests or to persons who may be wanted for a special purpose. Men have often said they would like to go to a dinner and have offered to pay the price of a plate. The suggestion never sets well upon a Gridiron man. It not only implies that he is not able to pay, but it also carries an implication that this famous organization is run on a plan which we well know would be fatal to its existence. So the members of the Club pay all the expenses of the dinners besides giving much time and energy to the preparation of the entertainment. In closing this informal history, the writing of which has been a pleasure because during its progress I have lived over many memorable scenes and cherished associations that have illumined a busy life, it seems that I have not, perhaps, made suflSciently clear the important part which sentiment has had in the foundation of the Gridiron Club and in maintaining it upon a high plane. It may seem incomprehensible that the newspaper man who has undergone the trials and tribulations of a cub reporter, who as political writer and city editor has had laid bare to him day after day the hypocrisies and sinister motives of men, who as Washington correspondent has seen much to cause him to lose faith in mankind, should still retain and cherish such a thing as sentiment. But to sentiment the Gridiron Club owes its existence. To every member of the Club a Gridiron man is something more than a brother journalist. It is not because we set ourselves up as better than other men with whom we work year after year. It is because our members are selected with a view to good fellowship, permanency in the corps of correspondents, ability SUCCESS AND SENTIMENT 345 and usefulness in promoting the best interests of the Club, that we feel a bond which is unknown in any other newspaper organization. It is this sentiment that prompts us to show especial defer- ence to those few remaining men who were charter members of the Club. It is sentiment that causes us to meet and spread upon our minutes an appreciation of a departed member, and to follow him to that last home amidst the trees and flowers. It is sentiment that causes us to arrest the festivities of a dinner, where wine and wit sparkle and flash, and pay a last tribute to those who have crossed the Great Divide. On one of these occasions Louis A. Coolidge, who always speaks the appropri- ate words, said: ''The Gridiron Club goes on forever; though in the course of time its membership must change, till in due season those now mingling here become but memories to the later born. We cannot alter everlasting laws or stop the time- piece of eternity which strikes for each his hour to fall asleep. Our comrades come; they go; and as they pass they lay their offerings on the Gridiron Shrine, contented if the gifts they bear blend in the glory of the Club they love and fix their memory in a place among the crowding recollections of receding years. And as they melt into the shadows of the past it is most fitting that those lingering here speak each name fondly for remem- brance* sake." The lights are out in the dining-room; there is a hush where but an instant before merriment prevailed and jest went ringing far and near. Upon a screen appears the faces of men who are no more. From out the darkness comes a voice calling their names, briefly reciting their deeds and connection with the Gridiron Club and pronouncing a final tribute and farewell. There is a distant strain of music; the pictures begin to fade among the clouds; the music grows stronger and the words of the song are heard: Don't you hear them bells; Don't you hear them bells; They are ringing out the glory of the day. 346 GRIDIRON NIGHTS The lights flash and the whole room joins in the chorus; and mirth, wit and merry-making again hold sway. This is as it should be. It is as those who have gone before would wish. Every Gridiron man wants to be thus remembered by his fellow members, but only for a moment would he have the enjoyment of a Gridiron dinner interrupted while the brief tribute is paid and he is enshrined in memories before forever passing into the shadows. Sentiment of course; and as I have reviewed the past thirty years of Gridiron life I have found sentiment lingering at every milestone. It founded the organization, it kept it alive, it placed it upon a plane of success and achievement. Without such true and lasting sentiment there would be no Gridiron Club. THE GRIDIRON CLUB 1915 Active Members Alles, Ben. F., Cleveland Plain Dealer. Barry, David S., The Providence Journal. BiiNNETT, Ira E., Washington Post. Bltthe, Samuel G., Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post. BoTNTON, Charles A., Associated Press. Brainerd, Chauncet C, Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Brigham, Willl\m E., Boston Evening Tran- script. Brown, Harry J., Portland Oregonian. Busbey, L. White, Washington, D. C. Carpenter, Frank G., Carpenter's Syndicate. Clark, Edward B., Chicago Evening Post. Cunningham, J. Harry, Washington, D. C. Curtis, Sumner M., Washington, D. C. Davis, Oscar King, Topeka Capital. Dodge, Arthur J., Minneapolis Tribune. Dunn, Arthur Wallace, American Press Association. EssARY, J. Fred, Baltimore Sun. Fowler, Elting A., New York Sun. Garthe, Louis, Baltimore American. Hall, Henry, Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. Heath, Perry S., Washington, D. C. Hood, Edwin M., The Associated Press. HoRNADAY, James P., Indianapolis News. Jermane, W. W., Seattle Times — Ck. Sc. Monitor. Washington, D. C. Philadelphia Inquirer. Johnson, Philander C, Washington Star. Kauffmann, Rudolph, Washington Star. Keyser, Charles P., St. Louis Globe-Demo- crat. Krock, Arthur B., Louisville Courier-Journal- Times. Leupp, Francis E. Logan, Thomas F., McKee, David R., Washington, D. C. Messenger, N. O., Washington Star. Miller, George E., Detroit News, Monk, John E., St. Paul Pioneers- Press. Oulahan, Richard V., New York Times. O'Laughlin, John Callan, Chicago Herald. Patchin, Robert H., Washington, D. C. Randolph, Charles C, Arizona Republican. Richardson, F. A., Baltimore Sun. Ryan, John P., Philadelphia Press. Schroeder, Reginald, A^. Y. Staats-Zeitung. Shriver, John S., Baltimore American-Star. SiNNOTT, Arthur J., Newark Daily News. Snyder, Edgar C, Omaha Bee. Strayer, Louis W., Pittsburg Dispatch. Stofer, Alfred J., Birmingham (Ala.) News. Vernon, Leroy T., Chicago News. Walker, Ernest G., Boston Herald. West, Henry L., Washington, D. C. Wynne, Robert J., Washington, D. C. Limited Members Berryman, C. K., Washington Star. Brahany, Thomas W., Washington, D. C. Kaiser, J. Henry, Washington, D. C. Morsell, Herndon, Washington, D. C. MosHER, Alex., Washington, D. C. Nolan, John H., Washington, D. C. Sb4all, J. Henry, Jr., Washington, D. C. SousA, John Philip, New York. Stevens, M. Harry, Washington, D. C. Xander, Henry, Washington, D. C. 347 348 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Associated Members Adams, Walter E., Maiden, Mass. Barrett, E. W., Age-Herald, Birmingham, Ala. Bone, Scott C, Post-Intelligencer, Seattle, Wash. Brown, Henry S., The Herald, New York. CooLiDGE, L. A., Boston, Mass. CoRWiN, John Ad.\ms, Washington, D. C. Crist, Harris M., Brooklyn Eagle. DePut, Frank A., The Tribune, New York. Fearn, Richard Lee, Mobile, Ala. Gavit, John P., New York Evening Post, Gibson, E. J., Washington, D. C. Keen, Ed. L., United Press, London. Knapp, C. W., St. Louis Republic, St. Louis. Miller, Albert, Los Angeles, Col. Miller, John P., New York. O'Brien, Robt. Lincoln, The Herald, Boston, Mass. Ohl, J. K., The Herald, New York. Presbrey, Frank, New York. Stealey, O. O., Ocean Springs, Miss. Stevens, W. B., St. Louis, Mo. Thompson, Charles Willis, The Times, New York. Young, James R., Philadelphia, Pa. PRESIDENTS OF THE GRIDIRON CLUB Ben: Perley Poore, 1885. Ben: Perley Poore, 1886. John M. Carson, 1887. Fred Perry Powers, 1888. Fred Perry Powers, 1889, Fred D. Mussey, 1890. H. B. F. Macfarland, 1891. H. B. F. Macfarl.\nd, 1892. Frank Hatton, 1893. Frank Hatton, 1894. Eugene Barton Wight, 1894. Walter Barlow Stevens, 1895. William Edwards Annin, 1896. Sylvanus Elihu Johnson, 1897. Frank Homer Hosford, 1898. Henry Van Ness Boynton, 1899. Henry Litchfield West, 1900. Arthur Wallace Dunn, 1901. RoBiaiT John Wynne, 1902. William Eleroy Curtis, 1903. Louis Arthur Coolidge, 1904. John M. Carson, 1905. Richard Lee Fearn, 1906. Samuel George Blythe, 1907. James Sharps Henry, 1908. Henry Hall, 1909. Scott Cardelle Bone, 1910. Richard Victor Oulahan, 1911. Louis Garthe, 1912. Rudolph Kauffmann, 1913. Ernest George Walker, 1914. Edgar Callender Snyder, 1915. LIST OF MEMBERS OF THE GRIDIRON CLUB 1885-1915 With newspaper connections at time of admission; deaths and resignations. Ben: Perley Poore, Providence Journal. Charter Member; Died May 28, 1887. John Miller Carson, The Philadelphia Public Ledger. Charter Member; died Sept. 29. 1912. CharIiES Theodore Murray, Philadelphia Times. Charter Member; resigned, 1888. Charles Merwin Ogden, Philadelphia Press. Charter Member; died May 2, 1893. George Wiluam Adams, The Washington Evening Star. Charter Member; died October 10. 1886. John Alden. Brooklyn Evening Times. Charter Member; resigned, 1885. WiLLLAM Emerson Barrett, Boston Advertiser. Charter Member; resigned, 1887. Charles Augustus Boynton, Associated Press. Charter Member; resigned, 1887; reelected December, 1897. Henry van ness Boynton, Cincinnati Commercial Gazette. Charter Member; died June 3, 1905. WiLLLAM WiNNE BuRHANS, United Press. Charter Member; resigned, 1887. Selden Noyes Clark, New York Tribune. Charter Member; died, 1900. Frederick Carleton Cr-WVtord, Pittsburgh Commercial-Gazette. Charter Member; resigned, 1893. Theron Clark Crawford, New York World. Charter Member; resigned, 1885. Elbridge Gerry Dunnell, The New York Times. Charter Member; died, February 3, 1903. Peter Voorhees de Graw, The United Press. Charter Member; died August 22. 1914. Frank Adams De Puy, The New York Times. Charter Member; associated, 1891. Edwin Fleming, The St. Louis Republican. Charter Member; resigned, 1890. Fred. Algernon Graham Handy, The Chicago Tribune. Charter Member; died January 12, 1912. Perry Sandford Heath, The Indianapolis Journal. Charter Member. Ambrose William Lyman, The New York Sun. Charter Member; resigned, 1890; died, 1898. 349 350 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Henry Brown Floyd Macfarland, Boston Herald. Charter Member; resigned, 1892. William Chesney McBride, The Cincinnati Enquirer. Charter Member; resigned, 1886. David Ritchie McKee, New York Associated Press. Charter Member. Fred Perry Powers, The Chicago Tribune. Charter Member; resigned, 1897. Max Gerhard Seckendohff, The New York Tribune. Charter Member; died Aug. 28, 1911. Orlando Oscar Stealey, The Louisville Courier-Journal. Charter Member; associated, 1911. Charles Francis Towle, Boston Traveller. Charter Member; resigned, 1890. Frank H. Trusdell, New York Journal. Charter Member; resigned, 1885; died, 1899. Lucius Quinton Washington, The New Orleans Picayune. Charter Member; resigned, 1885; died Nov. 17, 1901. Eugene Barton Wight, The Chicago Tribune. Charter Member; died Jan. 9, 1896. Robert John Wynne, The Cincinnati Commercial-Gazette. Charter Member. James Rankin Young, The Philadelphia Evening Star. Charter Member. William Eleroy Curtis, The Chicago Inter-Ocean. September 25, 1885; died Oct. 5, 1911. Charles Welbourne Knapp, The St. Louis Republican. September 25, 1885; associated, 1888. Walter Barlow Stevens, The St. Louis Globe-Democrat. September 25, 1885; associated, 1902. Robert Martin Larner, The Baltimore Sun. September 25, 1885; died, 1906. John Shultz Shriver, The Baltimore American. September 25, 1885. Richard Weightman, The New Orleans Times-Democrat. November 28, 1885; resigned, 1890. Franklin George Carpenter, The Cleveland Leader. November 28. 1885. Frederick Draper Mussey, Cincinnati Commercial Gazette. November 28, 1885; died, 1897. Frankun Theodore Howe, Baltimore Herald. November 28, 1885; resigned, 1890. Francis Henry Richardson, The Atlanta Constitution. May 22, 1886; died, 1894. Richard Nexon, The New Orleans Times-Democrat. November 13, 1886; resigned, 1894. Jay Fernando Durh.aai, The New York World. November 16, 1886; resigned, 1890. William Francis O'Brien, The United Press. February 23, 1887; died, 1889. LIST OF MEMBERS 351 Herbert Shapleigh Underwood, The Boston Advertiser. February 23, 1887; resigned, 1888. George Harold Walker, The Cleveland Leader. February 23, 1887; died, 1906. James Morgan, The Boston Globe. February 23, 1887; resigned, 1895. Crosby Stuart Noyes, The Washington Evening Star. February 23, 1887; died, 1908. Henry Litchfield West, The Washingtoti Post. January 14, 1888. Moses Purnell Handy, The New York World. March 17, 1888; died, 1898. Paul Wolff, The New York Staats-Zeitung. March 17, 1888; resigned, 1891; died, 1895. Sylvanus Elihu Johnson, The Cincinnati Enquirer. March 17, 1888; died, 1908. John Adams Corwin, The Chicago Herald. January 12, 1889; associated, 1890. Louis Garthe, The Baltimore American. January 12, 1889. Franklin Homer Hosford, The Detroit Free Press. January 12, 1889; died, 1908. Alfred Joseph Stofer, Jr., The St. Louis Republican. January 12, 1889. Edgar J. Gibson, The Philadelphia Press. January 12, 1889; associated, 1903. Hubbard Taylor Smith, Limited. January 12, 1889; died, 1903. John Philip Sousa, Limited. January 12, 1889. Frank Hatton, The Washington Post. February 16, 1889; died, 1894. Edwin Barrett Hay, Limited. April 13, 1889; died, 1906. David Sheldon Barry, The Detroit News. November 9, 1889. Robert Bowman Matthews, The Neio Orleans Picayune. November 9, 1889; died, 1901. Herndon Morsell, Limited. November 9, 1889. Richard Lee Fearn, The Brooklyn Eagle. February 8, 1890; associated, 1913. George Hansom Apperson, The St. Louis Globe-Democrat. November 15, 1890; died, 1895. William Edwards Annin, The Salt Lake Tribune. November 15, 1890; died, 1903. Edwin Ware Barrett, The Atlanta Constitution. December 13, 1890; associated, 1897. Henry Conquest Clarke, The New York Star. December 13, 1890; died Nov. 15, 1914. 352 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Marshall Gushing, Limited. December 13, 1890; resigned, 1897. Arthub Wallace Dunn, The St. Paul Pioneer Press. December 12, 1891. Francis Ellington Leupp, The New York Evening Post. December 12, 1891. Henbt Xander, Limited. December 12, 1891. Jacob Jackson Noah, The Denver News. January 9, 1892; died, 1897. Beriah Wilkins, The Washington Post. December 10, 1892; died, 1905. Walter Edward Adams, The Boston Herald. January 14, 1893; associated, 1900. Frank Spencer Presbbey, Public Opinion. February 25, 1893; associated, 1894. Harvey Lindsly Page, Limited. February 25, 1893; resigned, 1897. George Yost Coffin, Limited. February 25, 1893; died. 1896. William DA^^D Hoover, Limited. February 25, 1893; resigned, 1898. Frank Vincent Bennett, Limited. October 14, 1893; died, 1908. John Henry Kaiser, Limited. January 13, 1894. Charles Claude Randolph, The New York Times. April 14, 1894. Louis Arthur Coolidge, The New York Recorder. December 8, 1894; associated, 1911. Reginald Schroeder, The New York Staats-Zeitung. December 8, 1894. James Sharpe Henry, The Pittsburgh Dispatch. May 11, 1895; died AprQ 13, 1912. Francis Asbury Richardson, The Baltimore Sun. December 14, 1895. Alexander Mosher, Limited. December 14, 1895. George William Rouzer, The New York Herald. December 12, 1896; died May 6, 1912. Raymond Patterson, The Chicago Tribune. February 27, 1897; died, 1909. Joseph Harry Cunningham, Limited. February 27, 1897; Active, 1907. Albert Miller, The Kansas City Star. December 11, 1897; associated, 1902. Henry Hall, The Pittsburgh Times. December 10, 1898. Rudolph Kauffmann, The Washington Evening Star. April 8, 1899. LIST OF MEMBERS 353 L. White Busbey, The Chicago Inter-Ocean. November 11, 1899. Justin McGrath, The St. Louis Globe-Democrat. November 11, 1899; resigned, 1899. Robert Lincoln O'Brien, The Boston Transcript. December 9, 1899; associated, 1907. Henry Greenway Kemp, The Baltimore Sun. February 17. 1900; died, 1903. JosiAH KiNGSLEY Ohl, The Atlanta Constitution. December 13, 1902; associated, 1908. John Pierce Miller, The Baltimore Sun. January 10, 1903; associated, 1912. Scott Cardelle Bone, The Washington Post. February 14, 1903; associated, 1912. Samuel George Blythe, The New York World. March 14, 1903. Edgar Callender Snyder, The Omaha Bee. April 11, 1903. Henry Shroff Brown, The New York Herald. May 9, 1903; associated, 1912. North Overton Messenger, The Washington Evening Star. November 14, 1903. John Henry Nolan, Limited. March 12, 1904. Philander Chase Johnson, The Washington Evening Star. April 9, 1904. Richard Herndon Lindsay, The Kansas City Star. May 14, 1904; died, 1908. Richard Victor Oulahan, The New York Sun. October 14, 1905. Ernest George Walker, The Boston Herald. November 11, 1905. John Henry Small, Limited. November 11, 1905. William Wallace Jermane, The Minneapolis Journal. December 9, 1905. Arthur Josiah Dodge, The Milwaukee Sentinel. January 13, 1906. Charles Wiixis Thompson, The New York Times. March 10, 1906; associated, 1911. Charles Arthur Williams, The Houston Post. April 14, 1906; died, 1908. Clifford Kennedy Berryman, Limited, The Washington Post. December 8, 1906. James Parks Hornaday, Indianapolis News. March 9, 1907. Leroy Tudor Vernon, The Chicago News. February 8, 1908. Jewell Howard Aubere, The St. Louis Globe-Democrat. March 14, 1908; died, 1909. 354 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Edwin Milton Hood, The Associated Press. May 9. 1908. Weluam Sykes Couch, Cleveland Plain Dealer. November 14, 1908; died Jan. 11, 1914. Harris McCabe Crist, The Brooklyn Eagle. December 12, 1908; associated, 1911. Louis William Str.\yer, The Pittsburgh Dispatch. January 9, 1909. Oscar King Davis, The New York Times. February 13, 1909. Thom.\s Clarence Noyes, The Washington Evening Star. March 13, 1909; died Aug. 21, 1912. Ed. L. Keen, The United Press. April 10, 1909; associated, 1911. Ira Elbert Bennett, The Washington Post. October 9, 1909. George Edmund Miller, The Detroit News. November 13, 1909. John Call.a.n O'Laughlin, The Chicago Tribune. January 8, 1910. Matthew Harry Stevens, Limited. December 6, 1911. Edward Brayton Cl.\rk, Chicago Evening Post. February 10, 1912. Charles Phillip Keyser, St. Louis Globe-Democrai. November 9, 1912. John Edward Monk, St. Paul Pioneer- Press. December 7, 1912. John Palmer GA\^T, New York Evening Post. January 11, 1913; associated, 1915. Robert Halsey Patchin, New York Herald. February 8, 1913. Thomas Francis Log.\n, Philadelphia Inquirer. March 11, 1913. Elting Alexander Fowler, New York Sun. April 8, 1913. Arthur Bernard Krock, Louisville Courier-Journal-Times. May 10, 1913. John Paul Ryan, San Francisco Evening Post. October 11, 1913. Jesse Frederick Essary, The Baltimore Sun. November 8, 1913. Thomas William Brahany, Limited. November 8, 1913. Benjamin Farwell Allen, Cleveland Plain Dealer. December 13, 1913. Sumner Macomber Curtis, Chicago Record-Herald. January 10, 1914. William Er.\stus Brigham, Boston Evening Transcript. February 14, 1914. LIST OF MEMBERS 355 Chauncet Corey Brainerd, Brooklyn Daily Eagle. November 14, 1914. Harry Jay Brown, Portland Oregonian. December 12, 1914. Arthxjr Joseph Sinnott, Newark Evening News. January 9, 1915. APPENDIX PROMINENT GUESTS OF THE GRIDIRON CLUB ^ Benjamin Harrison, President of the United States. William McKinley, President of the United States. Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States. William H. Taft, President of the United States. WooDROw Wilson, President of the United States. Adamson, William C, Representative from Georgia. Ade, George, Indiana. AiNSWORTH, F. C, Major General U. S. A. Aldrich, Nelson W., Senator from Rhode Island. Aleshire, J. P., Major General U. S. A. Alger, Russell A., Senator from Michigan. Allen, John M., Representative from Mississippi. Allison, William B., Senator from Iowa. Ambrozt, Baron L., Austro-Hungarian Embassy. Anderson, Larz, Minister to the Netherlands. AoKi, Viscount Siuzo, Japanese Ambassador. Archbold, John D., New York. Babcock, Joseph W., Representative from Wisconsin. Bacon, Augustus O., Senator from Georgia. Bacon, Robert, Secretary of State. Badger, Charles J., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Bailey, Joseph W., Senator from Texas. Baird, George W., Rear Admiral, U. S. N. Baker, Elbert H., Cleveland, Ohio. Baker, Newton, D., Mayor of Cleveland. Bakhm^teff, Mr. George, Russian Ambassador. Ballinger, Richard A., Secretary of the Interior. Barnes, William, Jr., Albany, New York. Barrett, John, Director Pan-American Union. Barry, Thomas H., Major General, U. S. A. Bartholdt, Richard, Representative from Missouri. Bates, Alfred E., Major General, U. S. A. Bates, John C, Lt. Gen. U. S. A. Bayard, Thomas F., Secretary of State. Beck, James B., Senator from Kentucky. Bede, J. Adam, Representative from Minnesota. Belasco, David, New York. Bedloe, Dr. Edward, Atlantic City, N. J. Belford, James B., Representative from Colorado. Bell, Alexander Graham, Washington, D. C. 1 Does not include guests at famous dinner described in Chapter X. 357 358 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Belmont, August, New York. Belmont, Perry, Representative from New York. Benham, a. E. K., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Beresford, Lord Charles, Admiral, Royal Navy, England. Berger, Victor L., Representative from Wisconsin. Bernstorff, Count J. H. von, German Ambassador. Beveridge, Albert J., Senator from Indiana. BiNGH.\M, Theodore A., Brigadier General, U. S. A. Bissell, Wilson S., Postmaster General. Blackburn, J. C. S., Senator from Kentucky. Blanchard, Newton C, Senator from Louisiana. Blethen, Alden J., Seattle, Washington. Bliss, Cornelius N., Secretary of the Interior. Bliss, Tasker H., Brigadier General, U. S. A. Blouet, Paul (Max O'Rell), Paris, France. Blue, Victor, Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Boeufve, Jules, French Embassy. BoK, Edward W., Philadelphia, Pa. Borah, William E., Senator from Idaho. Bourne, Jonathan, Jr., Senator from Oregon. Boutelle, Charles A., Representative from Maine. Boyd, George W., Passenger Traffic Manager, Pennsylvania Railroad. Brainard, Clinton T., New York. Brandegee, Frank B., Senator from Connecticut. Breckinridge, Clifton R., Minister to Russia. Breckinridge, W. C. P., Representative from Kentucky. Brewer, David J., Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. Brice, Calvin S., Senator from Ohio. Bristow, Joseph L., Senator from Kansas. Brooke, John R., Major General, U. S. A. Brown, Henry Billings, Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. Brown, Norris, Senator from Nebraska. Bruening, Alfred von, German Embassy. Bryan, William Jennings, Secretary of State. Bryce, Viscount James, British Ambassador. BuNN, Charles W., St. Paul, Minn. BuRKETT, Elmer J., Senator from Nebraska. Burleson, Albert S., Postmaster General. Burrows, Julius C, Senator from Michigan. Burton, Theodore E., Senator from Ohio. Bussche-Haddenhausen, Freiherr von DEM, German Embassy. Butler, Matthew C, Senator from Sovih Carolina. Butler, Nicholas Murray, New York. Butler, ThosL'\.s S., Representative from Pennsylvania. Butt, Archibald W., Major, U. S. A. Butterworth, Benjajhn, Representative from Ohio. Bynum, William D., Representative from Indiana. Caffery, Donelson, Senator from Louisiana. Calhoun, William J., Minister to China. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 359 Callaway, William R., Minneapolis, Minn. Callenberg, Ludwig von, Austro-Hungarian Embassy, Cambon, M. Jules, French Ambassador. Camden, Johnson, N., Senator from Kentucky. Campau, Daniel J., Detroit, Mich. Campbell, James E., Governor of Ohio. Cannon, Joseph G., Speaker of the House of Representatives. Carlin, Charles C, Representative from Virginia. Carlisle, John G., Secretary of the Treasury. Carter, Thomas H., Senator from Montana. Casasus, Senor Joaquin D., Mexican Ambassador. Casey, Lyman R., Senator from North Dakota. Cassatt, Alexander J., President Pennsylvania Railroad. Cassini, Count, Russian Ambassador. Castelli, Enrico, Italian Embassy. Catchings, Thomas C, Representative from Mississippi. Chamberlain, George E., Senator from Oregon. Chambers, Robert W., New York. Chandler, William E., Senator from New Hampshire. Charlton, H. R., Montreal, Canada. Chentung Liang-Cheng, Chinese Minister, Cheng Yin Tang, Chinese Minister. Chester, C. M., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Child, H. W., Yellowstone Park. Chilton, William E., Senator from West Virginia. Churchill, Winston, Concord, N. H. Clapp, Moses E., Senator from Minnesota. Clark, Charles E., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Clark, Charles Hopkins, Hartford, Conn. Clark, Clarence D., Senator from Wyoming. Clarkson, James A., First Assistant Postmaster General. Clay, Alexander S., Senator from Georgia. Clemens, Samuel L. (Mark Twain), New York. Cochran, W. Bourke, Representative from New York. CocKRELL, Francis Marion, Senator from Missouri. Cody, William F. (Buffalo Bill), North Platte, Nebraska. Cogswell, William, Representative from Massachusetts. Collier, Robert J., New York. Collins, P. S., Philadelphia, Pa. Collins, Patrick A., Representative from Massachusetts. Colman, Norman J., Secretary of Agriculture. Colt, Le Baron, Senator from Rhode Island. Comer, B. B., Governor of Alabama. Connolly, Maurice, Representative from Iowa. Corey, William E., New York. CowLES, William S., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Cox, James M., Governor of Ohio. Crane, W. Murray, Senator from Massachusetts. Cremer, William Randall, London, England. Crisp, Charles F., Speaker House of Representatives. 360 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Choker, Richard, New York. Cbowder, Enoch H., Brigadier General, U. S. A. Crozier, William, Brigadier General, U. S. A. CuDDiHY, R. J., New York. CuMMiNGS, Amos J., Representative from New York. CuMMiNGS, Homer S., Stamford, Conn. Cummins, Albert B., Senator from Iowa. Culberson, Charles A., Senator from Texas. Curtis, Charles, Senator from Kansas. Curtis, Cyrus H. K., Philadelphia. Cushman, Frank W., Representative from Washington, DA Gama, Senhor DoMicio, Brazilian Ambassador. Dalzell, John, Representatiatve from Pennsylvania. Daniels, George H., General Passenger Agent, New York Central Railroad. Daniels, Josephus, Secretary of the Navy. Davies, Joseph E., Chairman Federal Trade Commission. Davis, Henry Gassaway, Senator from West Virginia. Day, William R., Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. DeArmond, David A., Representative from Missouri. DE la Barra, Seflor Don Francisco Leon, Mexican Ambassador. Delano, Frederic, Federal Reserve Board. Depew, Chauncey M., Senator from New York. DES Planches, Baron Edmondo Mayor, Italian Ambassador. De Young, M. H., San Francisco. Dick, Charles, Senator from Ohio. Dickinson, Jacob M., Secretary of War. Dickinson, Don M., Postmaster General. Diehl, Charles S., Assistant General Manager The Associated Press. Dietrich, Charles H., Senator from Nebraska. Dillingham, William P., Senator from VermorU. Dixon, Joseph M., Senator from Montana. Dole, Sanford B., President of Hawaii. DoLLiVER, Jonathan P., Senator from Iowa. DoLPH, Joseph N., Senator from Oregon. DoREMus, Frank E., Representative from Michigan. Doubleday, F. N., New York. Dover, Elmer, Secretary, Repiiblican National Committee. Dryden, John, Senator from New Jersey. Dubois, Fred T., Senator from Idaho. Dumba, Dr. Constantin Theodor, Austro-Hungarian Ambassador. Dunne, Finley Peter, New York. Durand, Sir Henry Mortimer, British Ambassador. DU Vernois, Herr von Verdy, German Embassy. DwiGHT, John W., Representative from New York. Eddy, Frank M., Representative from Minnesota. Edwards, Clarence R., Brigadier General, U. S. A. Egan, Francis Maurice, Minister to Denmark. Elkins, Stephen B., Senator from West Virginia. GUESTS OFTHE CLUB 361 Ellsworth, Edward, Buffalo, N. Y. Elverson, James, Jr., Philadelphia. Endicott, William C, Secretary of War. EusTis, James B., Senator from Louisiana. Fairchild, Charles S., Secretary of the Treasury. Farwell, Charles B., Senator from Illinois. Fellows, John R., Representative from New York. Felton, Charles N., Senator from California. Ferrotjh Bet, Ali, Turkish Minister. Fish, Stuyvesant, New York. Fisher, Walter L., Secretary of the Interior. Fitzgerald, John J., Representative from New York. FiTZPATRicK, Robert, Chief Justice of Canada. Flemming, Ernest, Germany. Fletcher, H. P., Minister to Cuba. Flint, Frank P., Senator from California. Flower, Roswell P., Governor of New York. Folk, Joseph W., Governor of Missouri. Foraker, Joseph B., Senator from Ohio. Ford, Henry, Detroit. Ford, Simeon, New York. FoRSTER, Rudolph, Ass't Secretary to the President. Fort, J. Franklin, Governor of New Jersey. Foss, Eugene N., Governor of Massachusetts. Foss, George E., Representative from Illinois. Foster, Charles, Secretary of the Treasury. Francis, David R., Governor of Missouri. Frank, Nathan, Representative from Missouri. Friedmann, Dr. Frederick Franz, Germany. Fhte, William P., Senator from Maine. Fullam, W. F., Rear Admiral, U. S. N. Gaffnet, E. St. John, Consul to Dresden, Germany. Gage, Lyman J., Secretary of the Treasury. Gallinger, Jacob H., Senator from New Hampshire. Gardner, Augustus P., Representative from Massachusetts. Garfield, James R., Secretary of the Interior. Garner, John N., Representative from Texas. Garrison, Lindley M., Secretary of War. Gary, E. H., New York. Gates, John W., New York. Ghik, Ye Heun, ChargS d' Affaires of Korea. Gibbons, John H., Captain U. S. N. Gibson, Charles H., Senator from Maryland. Gibson, Randall L., Senator from Louisiana. Gillespie, George L., Major General, U. S. A. Gillett, Frederick H., Representative from Massachusetts. Giskra, Baron Karl von, AuMro-Hungarian Embassy. Glover, Charles C, Washington, D. C. 362 GRIDIRON NIGHTS GoETHALS, George W., Major General, U. S. A. GoFF, Nathan, Senator from West Virginia. GoLDSBOROUGH, Phillips Lee, Govcmor of Maryland. GoNZ^^LEs, WiLLL\M E., Minister to Cuba. GooDNOw, John, Consul-General, Shanghai, China. Gordon, James, Senator from Mississippi. Gore, Thomas P., Senator from Oklahoma. Gorman, Arthur Phe, Senator from Maryland. Grant, Hugh J., Mayor of New York. Gray, George, Senator from Delaware. Greely, a. W., Major General, U. S. A. Greenhalge, F. T., Governor of Massachusetts. Gregory, Thom.\s W., Attorney General. Gresham, Walter Q., Secretary of State. GmscoM, Clement A., Philadelphia. Grosvenor, Charles H., Representative from Ohio. Grosvenor, Gilbert H., Washington, D. C. Guggenheim, Simon, Senator from Colorado. Guzman, Horacio, Nicaraguan Minister. Haldeman, Wm. B., Louisville, Ky. Halle, Ernst von, German Embassy. Ham, George H., Montreal, Canada. Hamlin, Charles S., Federal Reserve Board. Hammerling, Louis, New York. Hammond, John H1\ys, Washington, D. C. Hammond, Winfield S., Governor of Minnesota. Haniel von Haimhausen, E., German Embassy. Hanna, Dan R., Cleveland, Ohio. Hanna, Louis B., Governor of North Dakota. Hanna, Marcus A., Senator from Ohio. Hansbrough, H. C, Senator from North Dakota. Harding, Rt. Rev. Alfred, Bishop of Washington. Harding, Warren G., Senator from Ohio. Hardwick, S. H., Passenger Traffic Manager, Southern Railway. HarLu\n, John M., Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. Harmon, Judson, Governor of Ohio. Harriman, Edward H., New York. Harrison, Fairfax, President Southern Railway. Hartman, Charles S., Minister to Ecuador. Har\'ey, Col. George, New York. Hatch, Fr,\ncis M., Hawaiian Minister. Hatzfeldt-Wildenberg, Count von, German Embassy. Hawley, Joseph R., Senator from Connecticut. Hay, James, Representative from Virginia. Hay, John, Secretary of State. Hayward, Willla^m, Secretary Republican National Committee. Hearst, George, Senator from California. Heatwole, Joel P., Representative from Minnesota. Heflin, J. Thomas, Representative from Alabama. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 363 Heitfeld, Henry, Senator from Idaho. Hemenway, James H., Senator from Indiana. Hemphill, James C, Charleston, S. C. Hemphill, Joseph N., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Henderson, David B., Speaker House of Representatives. Henderson, John B., Senator from Missouri. Hendricks, Thomas A., Vice-President of the United States. Hengelmuller von Hengervar, Baron, Austro-Hungarian Ambassador. Hepburn, William P., Representative from Iowa. Herbert, Hillary A., Secretary of the A^aiy. Herbert, Sir Michael, British Ambassador. Herbert, Victor, New York. Herman, Baron B. von, German Embassy. Hermants', August, Cincinnati. Herrick, Myron T., Ambassador to France. Herwarth von Bittenfeld, Major, German Embassy. Heyburn, Weldon B., Senator from Idaho. Highborn, Philip, Rear Admiral, U. S. N. Hill, David Bennt;tt, Senator from New York. Hill, Samuel, Seattle, Washington. Hilles, Charles D., Chairman Republican National Committee. Hinds, Asher C, Representative from Maine. HiscocK, Frank, Senator from New York. Hitchcock, Ethan Allen, Secretary of the Interior. Hitchcock, Fr.\nk H., Postmaster General. Hitchcock, Gilbert M., Senator from Nebraska. Hoggart, Milford B., Governor of Alaska. Holleben, Dr. Theodor von, German Ambassador. HoLLis, Henry F., Senator from New Hampshire. HoLM.\N, William S., Representative from Indiana. Hopkins, Albert J., Senator from Illinois. HosHi, ToRU, Japanese Minister. House, E. M., Texas. Houston, David F., Secretary of Agriculture. Howell, Cl.\^rk, Atlanta, Ga. HowLAND, William B., Neiv York. Hughes, William, Senator from New Jersey. Hull, John A. T., Representative from loiva. Humphrey, Charles F., Major General, U. S. A. Humphrey, Wm. E., Representative from Washington. Hunt, W. H., Governor of Porto Rico. Ilbert, Sir Courtntiy, Clerk British House of Commons. Ingalls, Melville E., President C. C. & St. L. R. R. Jackson, Wm. P., Senator from Maryland. James, Ollie M., Senator from Kentucky. Jefferson, Joseph, New York. Jerome, William Travers, New York. Johnson, Charles F., Senator from Maine. 364 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Johnson, Hiram W., Governor of California. Johnson, Dr. H. L. E., Washington, D. C. Johnson, John A., Governor of Minnesota. Johnson, Tom L., Representative from Ohio. Johnson, Robekt Underwood, New York. Johnston, Joseph F., Senator from Alabama. Jones, James K., Senator from Arkansas. Jones, John P., Senator from Nevada. Jones, Wesley L., Senator from Washington. Jouett, James E., Rear Admiral, U. S. N. Jusserand, Mr. J. J., French Ambassador. Kahn, Julius, Representative from California. Kawananakoa, Prince David, Hawaii. Kean, John, Senator from New Jersey. Kearns, Thomas, Senator from Utah. Keelet, James, Chicago. Keifeb, J. Warren, Speaker House of Representatives. Kellet, William D., Representative from Pennsylvania. Kellogg, Frank B., St. Paul, Minn. Kellogg, Wm. Pitt, Senator from Louisiana. Kenna, John E., Senator from West Virginia. Kent, William, Representative from California. Kerens, Richard C, Ambassador to Austria. Kern, John W., Senator from Indiana. Kittredge, Alfred B., Senator from South Dakota. Knox, Philander C, Secretary of State. KoHLSAAT, Herman H., Chicago. KoMURA, JusTARO, Japanese Minister. Landis, Charles B., Representative from Indiana. Landis, Kenesaw Mountain, United States Judge. Lane, Franklin K., Secretary of the Interior. Lansing, Robert, Counsellor, State Department. Lawson, Thomas W., Boston, Mass. Lea, Luke, Senator from Tennessee. Lee, Arthur Hamilton, Lt. Col., Royal Army, Great Britain. Lee, Blair, Senator from Maryland. Leiter, Levi Z., Washington, D. C. Lemieux, Rudolphe, Postmaster General of Canada. Lewis, James Hamilton, Senator from Illinois. Liggett, Hunter, Brigadier General, U. S. A. Lind, John, Governor of Minnesota. Lindbergh, Charles A., Representative from Minnesota. Lippitt, Henry F., Senator from Rhode Island. Little, Arthur W., New York. Littlefield, Charles E., Represetdative from Maine. LoEB, WiLUAM, Jr., Secretary to the President. Long, Chester I., Senator from Kansas. Longstbeet, James, Lt. Gen., C. S. A. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 365 LoNGWORTH, Nicholas, Representative from Ohio. LooMis, Francis B., Assistant Secretary of State. Lord, Chester S., New York. LoRiMER, George Horace, Philadelphia. Loudon, Jonkheer, J., Netherlands Minister. LowDEN, Frank O., Representative from Illinois. Lowndes, Lloyd, Governor of Maryland. LowTHER, Gerard A., British Embassy. Lyman, Hart, New York. Lynch, Frederick B., St. Paul, Minn. McAdoo, William G., Secretary of the Treasury. McBride, George W., Senator from Oregon. McCain, Henry P., Brigadier General, U. S. A. McCall, Samuel W., Representative from Massachusetts. McClellan, George B., Mayor of New York. McCoMAS, Louis E., Senator from Maryland. McCoMBS, Wm. F., Chairman, Democratic National Committee. McCooK, Anson G., Secretary of the United States Senate. McCormick, Robert S., Ambassador to France. McCreary, James B., Senator from Kentucky, McCumbeh, Porter J., Senator from North Dakota. McCutcheon, John T., Chicago. McEnery, Samuel D., Senator from Louisiana. McKelway, St. Clair, Brooklyn, N. Y. McKenna, Joseph, Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. McKinley, William B., Representative from Illinois. McMillan, James, Senator from Michigan. McMiLLiN, Benton, Governor of Tennessee. McNab, R. a., Montreal, Canada. McReynolds, James C, Associate Justice, U. S. Supreme Court. McVeagh, Franklin, Secretary of the Treasury. Mabie, Dr. Hamilton Wright, New York. Mack, Norman E., Chairman, Democratic National Committee. Mackay, Clarence H., New York. Madden, Martin B., Representative from Illinois. Magee, Christopher, Pittsburgh, Pa. Magoon, Charles E., Governor General of Cuba. Mallon, George Barry, New York. Malone, Dudley Field, Collector of Customs, New York. Manderson, Charles F., Senator from Nebraska. Manley, Joseph, Augusta, Maine. Mann, James R., Representative from Illinois. Mantle, Lee, Senator from Montana. Marshall, Thomas R., Vice-President of the United States. Martine, James, Senator from New Jersey. Martinelu, Archbishop Apostolic Delegate. Mason, William E., Senator from Illinois. Masujima, Rokuichira, Japanese Embassy. Mellen, Charles S., N. Y.. N. H. & H. R. R. 366 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Melville, George W., Rtar Admiral, U. S. X. Mexdonxa, Senhor Salvador, Brazilian Minister. Mercer, D. H., Representatire from yebraska. Merriam, William R., Gorernor of Minne^ifa. yizxiA, Gen. Exriqce A., Ainbassador of Mejcico to England. Meter, George vox L., Secretary of the Xary. MiLBURX, JoHX G., Buffalo, X. Y. MiLL.\RD, Joseph H., Senator from Xebraska. Miller, Warxeir, Senator from Xew York. Miller, Willlvm H., Attorney General. Mitch EL, John Puhroy, Mayor of Xeic York. Mitchell John H., Senator from Oregon. MoxDELL, FlLiXK W., Representotire from Wyoming. Moody, Wm. H., Associate Justice U. S. Supreme Court. Moore, J. ILucptox, Representotire from Pennsylrania. Moore. Willis L.. Chief of the Weather Bureau. MoRGAX, J. PiERPoxT, Xcw York. MoRGAX, J. PiERPOXT, Jr., Xcw York. MoR.iWETz, Victor, Xeic York. MoRRELL, Edw.uid, Rcpresentatire from Pennsylrania. Morris-ox, William R., Representative from Illinois. Morrow, Willl\A£, Xeic York. MoRTOX, J. Sterlexg, Secretary of Agriculture. Mortox, Paux^ Secretary of the Xary. MuRDOCK, Victor, Representative from Kansas. MuRPHT, CH.VRLES F., Xcw York. MuRPHT, FR.vxKT.rx, Gorcmor of Xeic Jersey. MmPHY, X. O., Gorernor of Arizona. Murray, Arthur, Major General, U. S. A. Xabuco, Joaquim, Brazilian Ambassador. Xagel, CH.VRLES, Secretary of Commerce and Labor. Xelsox, Kxlte, Senator from Minnesota. Xew, Harry S., Indianapolis, Ind. X'ewberry, Trumax H., Secretary of the Xary. X*EWLAX"DS, Fraxcis G., Senator from Xerada. X*ewm.o.", Oliver P.. Commissioner District of Columbia. X1BL.4.CK, Albert P., Captain, U. S. X. Xisox, George S., Senator from Xerada. XoBLE, Johx W., Secretary of the Interior. XoRTOX, Ch-VRLes D., Secretary to the President. Xye, Edgar W. (.Bill), Asherille, X. C. Oake.5, Thomas F., President Xorthern Pacific Railroad. Ochiltree, Thomas P., Represeniatire from Texas. OcHs, George W., Philadelphia. O'Ferrall, Charles T., Gorernor of Virginia. 0'GoRM.vx, James A., Senator from Xeic York. Ojeda, Emilio de, Spanish Minister. O'X'eil, Joseph H., Representative from Massachusetts. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 367 Olcott, J. Van Vechten, Representative from New York. Oliver, George T., Senator from Pennsylvania. OsBORN, Charles S., Governor of Michigan. Otis, Gen. Harrison Gray, Los Angeles, California. Overman, Lee S., Senator from North Carolina. Owen, Robert L., Senator from Oklahoma. Page, Thomas Nelson, Ambassador to Italy. Page, Walter Hines, Ambassador to Great Britain. Palmer, A. Mitchell, Representative from Pennsylvania. Palmer, Frederick, New York. Palmer, Thomas W., Senator from Michigan. Parker, Sir Gilbert, M. P., England. Parker, Col. Samuel, Hawaii. Parsons, Herbert, Representative from New York. Partello, Dwight J., Berlin, Germany. Pastor, Senor Don Luis, Spanish Legation. Patterson, Robert W., Chicago. Patterson, Thomas M., Senator from Colorado. Patton, Rev. Francis L., President, Princeton University. Pauncefote of Preston, Lord Jull\n, British Ambassador. Payne, Henry C, Postmaster General. Payne, Sereno E., Representative from New York. Paynter, T. H., Senator from Kentucky. Peary, Robert E., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Pearson, Richmond, Representative from North Carolina. Peckham, Rufus H., Associate Justice U. S. Supreme Court. Penrose, Boies, Senator from Pennsylvania. Perkins, George C, Senator from California. Perkins, George W., New York. Perkins, S. A., Tacoma, Washington. Peters, Andrew J., Ass't Sec'y of the Treasury. Pettigrew, Richard F., Senator from, South Dakota. Pettus, Edmund, Senator from Alabama. Pezet, Federico Alfonzo, Peruvian Minister. Phelan, James D., Senator from. California. Phelps, William Walter, Minister to Germany. Phipps, Henry, Pittsburgh, Pa. Pierce, Gilbert A., Senator from North Dakota. Piles, Samuel H., Senator from Washington. Pinchot, Gifford, Pennsylvania. Pitney, ALvhlon, Associate Justice U. S. Supreme Court. Platt, Orville H., Senator from Connecticut. Plumb, Preston B., Senator from Kansas. PoMERENE, Atlee, Senator from Ohio. Porter, Gen. Horace, New York. Potter, Thomas, Jr., United States Minister to Italy. Powers, Samuel L., Representative from Massachusetts. Prabandh, Prince Traidos, Siamese Minister. Preston, James H., Mayor of Baltimore. 368 GRIDIRON NIGHTS Pbeusschen-Liebenstein, Baron F. von, Austro-Hungarian Embassy. Proctor, Redfield, Senator from Vermont. Putnam, Herbert, Librarian of Congress. Pu Tun Tsee, Prince, China. Quadt-Wykradt-Isnt, Count A. von, German Embassy. QuARLES, John V., Senator from Wisconsin. QuiNBY, W. E., Minister to the Netherlands. Randolph, Wallace F., Major General, U. S. A. Ransdell, Joseph E., Senator from Louisiana. Rappard, Chevalier W. L. F. C. van, Netherlands Minister. Rawlins, Joseph L., Senator from Utah. Redfield, William C, Secretary of Commerce. Reed, Thomas B., Speaker of the House of Representatives. Reichenau, F. von, German Embassy. Reick, William C, New York. Reid, Whitelaw, Ambassador to Great Britain. Reynolds, James B., Secretary Republican National Committee. RiANO Y Gayangos, Sefior Don Juan, Spanish Ambassador. Richthofen, Baron Hartmann von, German Embassy. Ridder, Herman, New York. RiDGWAY, Erman J., New York. Ritter, Dr. Paul, Swiss Minister. Roberts, Ernest W., Representative from Massachusetts. Rodenberg, William A., Representative from Illinois. RoDRiGUES, Jose Carlos, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Rogers, Henry H., New York. Roosevelt, Franklin D., Assistant Secretary of the Navy. Root, Elihu, Secretary of State. Rosen, Baron Roman Romanovitch von, Russian Ambassador. Rosewater, Victor, Omaha, Nebraska. Sarin, D. M., Senator from Mirinesota. Sanders, W. F., Senator from Montana. Satolli, Francisco, Cardinal, Apostolic Delegate to America. Satterlee, Rt. Rev. Henry Y., Bishop of Washington. Satterlee, Herbert L., New York. Saulsbury, Willard, Senator from Delaware. Bayers, Joseph D., Governor of Texas. Schwab, Gustav H., Neio York. Scott, Hugh L., Major-General, Chief of Staff, U. S. A. Scott, Nathan B., Senator from West Virginia. Seitz, Don C, New York. Shaw, Dr. Albert, New York. Shaw, Leslie M., Secretary of the Treasury. Shepherd, Alexander, Ex. Gov. District of Columbia. Sheridan, Philip H., General, United States Army. Sherley, Swager, Representative from Kentucky. Sherman, James S., Vice-President of the United States. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 369 Sherman, John, Senator from Ohio. Sherman, Lawrence Y., Senator from Illinois. Shonts, Theodore P., New York. Sibley, Joseph C, Representative from Pennsylvania. Sickles, Daniel, Major General, U. S. A. Silveira, Balthazer De, Rear-Admiral, Brazilian Navy. Simon, Joseph, Senator from Oregon. SiMONDS, Frank H., New York. SiNGERLT, William M., Philadelphia. Sleicher, John A., New York. Smith, Charles Emory, Postmaster General. Smith, Courtland, New York. Smith, Delavan, Indianapolis, Ind. Smith, Goldwin, Toronto, Canada. Smith, Hoke, Senator from Georgia. Smith, James, Jr., Senator from New Jersey. Smith, Marcus A., Senator from Arizona. Smith, Dr. Mott, Hawaiian Minister. Smith, R. A. C, New York. Smith, Walter I., United States District Judge, Iowa. Smith, William Alden, Senator from Michigan. Smoot, Reed, Senator from Michigan. Smyth, J. Adger, Mayor, Charleston, S. C. Sniffin, Culver C, Brigadier General, U. S. A. Spencer, Samuel, President Southern Railway. Sperry, Charles S., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Springer, William M., Representative from Illinois. Spring-Rice, Sir Cecil Arthur, British Ambassador. Spooner, John C, Senator from Wisconsin. Squire, Watson C, Senator from Washington. Squiers, Herbert G., Minister to Ctiba. Stanford, Leland, Senator from California. Sternberg, Baron Hermann Speck von, German Amhassador. Stevens, Fred C, Representative from Minnesota. Stevens, Frederick C, New York. Stevens, George W., President Chesapeake & Ohio Railroad. Stevens, John F., New York. Stevenson, Adlai E., Vice-President of the United States. Stewart, W. M., Senator from Nevada. Stimson, Henry L., Secretary of War. Stokes, Edward C, Governor of New Jersey. Stokes, Frederick A., New York. Stone, Melville E., General Manager Associated Press. Stone, William J., Senator from Missouri. Story, Douglas, London, England. Straus, Oscar S., Secretary of Commerce and Labor. Strong, Sir Henry, Chief Justice of Canada. Stuart, Edwin, Governor of Pennsylvania. Stuart, Henry C, Governor of Virginia. Stubbs, W. R., Governor of Kansas. 370 GRIDIRON NIGHTS SxjLZER, William, Governor of New York. Sumner, F. V., Brigadier General, U. S. A. SwANSON, Claude A., Senator from Virginia. Taft, Charles P., Cincinnati. Taft, Henry W., New York. Talmage, Rev. T. DeWitt, Washington, D. C. Tateno, Gozo, Japanese Minister. Tawnet, James A., Representative from Minnesota. Taylor, H. C, Rear-Admiral, U. S. N. Teller, H. M., Senator from Colorado. Tener, John K., Governor of Pennsylvania. Terrell, J. M., Governor of Georgia. Thi^baut, Eugene, French Embassy. Thielmann, Baron Max von, German Ambassador. Thodorovich Tadiwar de, Anstro-Hungarian Embassy. Thomas, Arthur L., Governor of Utah. Thompson, Frank, President Pennsylvania Railroad. Thompson, George, St. Paul, Minn. Thurston, John M., Senator from Nebraska. Thurston, Lorin A., Envoy from the Hawaiian Republic. Tillman, Benjamin R., Senator from South Carolina. ToMLiNSON, John W., Birmingham, Ala. ToNG Kaison, Peking, China. Towne, Charles A., Senator from Minnesota. TowNSEND, Charles E., Senator from Michigan. Tucker, H. St. George, Representative from Virginia. Tumulty, Joseph P., Secretary to the President. Underwood, Fred D., Erie Railroad. Underwood, Oscar W., Senator from Alabama. Valente, Senhor J. G. do Am.\ral, Brazilian Minister. Vance, Zebulon D., Senator from North Carolina. Vanderlip, Frank A., New York. Van Devanter, Willis, Associate Justice U. S. Supreme Court. ViLLALOBAR, Marquis de, Spanish Minister. Villard, Oswald Garrison, New York. Vogel, Dr. Leo, Smss Minister. Wadsworth, James W., Representative from New York. Wadsworth, James W., Jr., Senator from New York. Walbridge, Cyrus P., St. Louis, Mo. Walcott, Charles D., Secretary, Smithsonian Institution. Walcott, Edward O., Senator from Colorado. Walker, John G., Rear-Admiral, U. S. N: Wallace, Hugh C, Tacoma, Washington. Wallace, John Findlay, New York. Waller, Littleton W. T. Colonel, U. S. M. C. Walls y Merino, Sefior Don Manuel, Spanish Legation. Walsh, Thomas F., Colorado. GUESTS OF THE CLUB 371 Warfield, Edwin, Governor of Maryland. Warman, Cy., London, Canada. Warner, William, Senator from Missouri. Warren, Francis E., Senator from Wyoming. Watson, Clarence W., Senator from West Virginia. Watson, James E., Representative from Indiana. Watterson, Henry, Louisville, Ky. Wedell, Count von, German Embassy. Weeks, John W., Senator from Massachusetts. Wellington, George L., Senator from Maryland. West, Caleb, Governor of Utah. Weston, John F., Major General, U. S. A. Wheeler, Joseph, Representative from Alabama. White, Edward D., Chief Justice U. S. Supreme Court. Whitman, Charles S., Governor of New York. WiCKERSHAM, George W., Attorney General. Wiley, Dr. Harvey W., Washington, D. C. Wiley, Loins, New York. Willard, Daniel, President, B. &. 0. Railroad. WiLLARD, E. S., London, England. Williams, John Sharp, Senator from Mississippi. Williams, John Skelton, Comptroller of Currency. Williams, James Thomas, Boston, Mass. Willis, Frank B., Governor of Ohio. Wilson, Huntington, Assistant Secretary of State. Wilson, John L., Senator from Washington. Wilson, William B., Secretary of Labor. Wilson, William W., Representative from Illinois. WiNSLOW, Sidney W., Boston, Mass. Wood, Leonard, Major General, U. S. A. Worcester, Dean C, Philippine Commissioner. Wu TiNGFANG, Dr., Chinese Minister. Yard, Robert Sterling, New York. Young, John Russell, Librarian of Congress. Young, Lafayette, Senator from Iowa. Zeballos, Estanislao S., Argentine Minister. Zeveley, J. W., Muskogee, Oklahoma. 4k D 000 323 343 It! .i;j *'<^^^l ^^Plfun! 1 i