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 UNIVERSITY OF 
 CALIFORNIA 
 
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THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS 
 
UNIFORM WITH 
 
 " THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS." 
 
 Crown 8vo, Cloth, 3s. 6d. each. 
 
 BUNCE, THE BOBBY, AND THE BROADS. A Humor- 
 ous Sketch of a Holiday on the Broads, containing some 
 43 laughable illustrations by the Author, Fritz Zorn. 
 
 Second Edition. 
 
 WE THREE AND TRODDLES. A popular Sketch of 
 Cockney Life. By R. Andom, Author of " Troddles and 
 Us and Others." The book is humorously illustrated by 
 A. Carruthers Gould. Popular edition, 6d. 
 
 Sixty-second Thousand. 
 
 "Difficult to read a couple of pages of it without a good laugh." — 
 Glasgow Herald. 
 
 " It is a book which deserves to be popular." — Pall Mall Budget. 
 
 TRODDLES AND US AND OTHERS. Sequel to "We 
 Three and Troddles." By R. Andom, Author of " Martha 
 and I." With 91 Illustrations by C. Harrison. 
 
 Third Edition. 
 THE REJUVENATION OF MISS SEMAPHORE. A 
 farcical novel. By HAL Godfrey. 
 
 Thirtieth Thousand. 
 
 " A clever and amusing book." — New Age. 
 
 " The most elderly reader will feel young again while laughing over 
 it," — Illustrated London Ncivs. 
 
 MARTHA AND I. An Amusing Sketch of Suburban Life. 
 By R. Andom, Author of "We Three and Troddles." 
 Profusely illustrated by A. Carruthers Gould. Popular 
 edition, td. 
 
 Twenty-eighth Thousand. 
 
 "There is laughter enough in the book to keep even a saturnine sort 
 of man from being sorry he has read it." — Scots7nan. 
 
 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. By E. R. 
 Sdffling. Charmingly Illustrated by the Author. 
 Author of " How to Organize a Cruise on the Broads," &c. 
 

npHE INNOCENTS 
 
 . ON . 
 
 THE BROADS 
 
 BY 
 
 ERNEST R. SUPPLING 
 
 Author of " The Land of the Broads," "Afloat in a Gipsy Van," 
 How to Organize a Cruise" "History and Legends of the Broads" 
 "Jethou, or Crusoe Life in the Channel Isles" 
 " The Story Hunter" " The Decameron of a Hypnotist," etc., etc. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 LONDON 
 
 JARROLD & SONS, lo & ii, WARWICK LANE, E.C 
 
 [A II rights reserved] 
 1 901 
 

 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 " Spriggles." page 
 
 Pigs in pokes — A pig hunt in the snow — First sight of a 
 " Broad " — The man with the nose — Alone — The mighty 
 eel — Alone on the waters — Rescue by Charon — The man 
 on the bottle ... ... ... ... ii 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Flotsam ; or, the Evanescence of Riches. 
 
 The blacksmith, the fisherman, and the coastguard — The 
 floating mystery — A cold swim — A competence for all — 
 The case landed — De7ioiie7nent J ... ... ... 28 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The Innocents' Summer Cruise. 
 
 The diary— Making a hash— The biters bitten— The jolly 
 young waterman — A fall in grain — A Romance of St. 
 
 
CONTENTS, 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Benet's Abbey — The tourists — The demon pipe — The 
 watch— Ye parched peas — The Abbot tunes his laye — 
 Ye faire maide — Antony — Love at sight — Ye lady's 
 bower — Dangerous but delightful — The angry Abbot and 
 ye lustie Monk — A raw hide whip — The Lists— Arming 
 for the fray — Feelings of a knight in armour — The 
 Tournaments— The denouement I — K rude awakening — 
 Burley's strange dream — The miller's daughter — A wet 
 day afloat — The yacht on fire— Another wet day — 
 "Coddam" — The Innocents turn poets — "An Epic on 
 Khartoum " — " Ode to a water beetle " — Stuggy's failure 
 — " Ye Fisherman hys lucke " — The anchoring of Noah s 
 Ark— Father WilHam— Our man " Chuckle"— Celebrities 
 meet ... ... ... ... ... ... 41 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 A Fishing Yarn of Hickling. 
 
 Broadland records of fish ... ... ... 126 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 The Advent of Silurus Glanis ... ... ... 145 
 
 CHAPTER Vlt 
 
 Tales of a Grandmother. 
 
 The bold maidens — Couleur de Rose ... ... ... 161 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Broadland Superstitions. 
 
 Norfolk and Cornish superstitions compared — Charms for 
 warts — Snake charming — Wax images — Whooping cough 
 
CONTENTS. 7 
 
 PAGS 
 
 cures— Liquid earthworms— The Evil Eye— The ghostly 
 donkey— The coastguard's ghost— Cornish charms— 
 The dead hand ... ... ... ••. ••. ^79 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Curious Wagers and Feats. 
 
 The giant harvestman — Tea-drinking Hazlett — A tea- 
 drinking record — Norfolk sausages — Hot-cross buns and 
 old ale— The Scottow gormand— Egg gathering and 
 hurdles— Johnny Mountjoy ... ... ••• 19^ 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Broadland Valentines. 
 
 An old lady's opinions — Decadence of the valentine — Turnip 
 
 valentines — A preacher's simile ... ... ... 205 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The Pilgrims of the Broads. 
 
 Five-and-forty mixed pilgrims— and their luggage — A thirteen- 
 mile row — An old English merrymaking at Stokesby — 
 Acle pies — A fight at the fair— Legends of St. Benet's 
 Abbey — Wiley as a romancer — Skeleton in the wall — 
 The monk's mill — The kitchen windows— Tall stories of 
 the fish-ponds— The monk's washing-place— What is a 
 moat ?— Father Tom the skater— The Legend of Heloard 
 and Abeloise — The pilgrims billing and cooing are 
 ducked — The game pies !— High jinks at Horning— 
 Wroxham in a deluge— Farewell ! 
 
8 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 Drippings from a Hasty Pen. vkgs. 
 
 "The Delights of the Broads" — The soHtary tooth — Ditto 
 
 — The drunken preacher "going to the d " — Ode to 
 
 a Black Eye— The Arctic King ... ... •• 255 
 
 CHAPTER Xn. 
 
 The Innocents' Winter Cruise. 
 
 The start — The camera starts — Beccles — Fishing and 
 smuggling on Fritton — " Suetonius Severus " — Try to 
 Hytharda, the Viking — Breydon by moonlight — A thirty 
 hours' sleep — Lee goes ashore — Smelting — The steers- 
 man soliloquises — He takes a very long " trick " — A 
 jollification— Up the Thurne — Fails to send off the 
 feathers — The patent automatic washer — Pike fishing 
 near Salhouse — Fishing through the ice — An automatic 
 signaller for pike — A stormy finish — Amen ... ... 268 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Dearly as Britons may love their country as a whole, 
 they may yet have a greater love for the particular 
 county of their birth, and doubtless in most cases pre- 
 fer individuals emanating from and incidents appertain- 
 ing to that particular county. 
 
 We may even go farther and assert that a certain 
 district — ^the district of their birth — claims such a share 
 of their love, that not even many years spent in a far 
 more beautiful locality can alienate the charms of their 
 early haunts. 
 
 Is there any wonder, then, that the writer looks upon 
 " Broadland," his native district, as the Bostonians do 
 their ,city when they call it the " hub of the Universe ? " 
 " Broadland " may not be the precise, mathematical 
 centre of the world, yet in a very great measure it 
 has become the centre of amusement, to which many 
 thousands annually turn for a bright, happy, healthy 
 holiday, such as probably few other districts in the 
 British Isles can afford. 
 
 Who says, " Coc'k-a-doodle-do ! " to this eulogy upon 
 the "Lazy Lagoons?" 
 
10 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Not the man who has been there certainly, for he 
 knows from experience that there is more fun to be 
 obtained there to the square foot, square acre, or square 
 party, than any other locaHty he has ever selected for a 
 holiday. The experience of nearly forty years, on the 
 land and on the water of the district, cannot have failed 
 to give the writer many happy hours (we say nothing of 
 the moments of purgatory spent in tight corners, nor of 
 mishaps on many occasions), and to have brought before 
 him many amusing incidents worthy of record. 
 
 He therefore begs to lay these yarns before his in- 
 dulgent readers in the hope of giving them a little inno- 
 cent amusement, as a salt wherewith to flavour the 
 dull round of everyday, workaday, grindaway life. 
 
 Ernest R. Suffling. 
 
The Innocents on the Broads, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 SPRIGGLES. 
 
 Dearly beloved reader, it is not the writer's purpose 
 to weary you with personal yams or with wonderful 
 " small-corn " deeds he has performed during his varied 
 experiences of Broadand, but he will ask to be allowed 
 to recount his first remembrances of his homeland in 
 fropria fersonce, after which, although he may write 
 many things about himself (for and against), yet it shall 
 be under an assumed cognomen. Hey presto! he will 
 wave his magic stylus, and lo! he will disappear in 
 nubibus ; and being in cloudland will be invisible only ; 
 the brilliant flashes from his pen piercing his surrounding 
 clouds and reaching the kindly, twinl^hng eyes of his 
 very indulgent readers. 
 
 Before the said gossamer cloud conceals his manly 
 form from view, allow him to say a few words as to his 
 very earliest remembrances of the " ole Broads," as 
 
12 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 they are locally called, and this he must do under a 
 thin cloud, for looking backward forty years does make 
 things appear a bit hazy. 
 
 Spriggles a7id the Fig. 
 
 Spriggles (John Spriggles was the full name be- 
 stowed on the writer by the chief carpenter of the now 
 defunct Great Eastern steam-ship, then in the height of 
 its fame) was nearly six years of age when he first made 
 the acquaintance of the Broads, or rather of a broad, and 
 that introduction was made with Spriggles ensconced 
 m a sack. 
 
 It was a bitter winter, that of 1 860-61, and snow-storm 
 after snow-storm had almost obliterated the physical face 
 of the country, when one day Spriggles' uncle signified 
 his intention of driving to Barton — if he could get there 
 — to sell a couple of pigs. 
 
 Spriggles was around, and although the snow was up 
 to his little stern, and his naked legs from ankle to 
 knee were as red as two carrots, he wanted " to go wiv 
 uncle." 
 
 " Nonsense, youngker, you'd be frooze to dade. Just 
 yow look here, I'm even a-goin' to put these here pigs 
 inter sacks to keep Jack Frost from nipping 'em." 
 
 So saying he placed a goodly bundle of straw into 
 each sack, holding them wide open at the mouth, 
 while another man quickly slipped the pigs in and 
 deftly secured the sacks with a piece of spun-yarn. 
 
'' SPRIGGLESr 13 
 
 Spriggles witnessed the operation with open mouth, and 
 then darting into the barn as quickly as his two carrots 
 would carry him, asked that he too might be " sacked 
 up " and put into the bottom of the cart with his 
 playmates. 
 
 Of course his request was refused, and equally of 
 course he made " pandemonium " to such an extent that 
 he carried the day, and was duly " sacked up " like the 
 other little squallers. 
 
 Plenty of straw was placed in the boke of the cart, 
 and the three sacks hoisted in (Spriggles with his head 
 free), and the whole comfortably covered with a plentiful 
 supply of straw. 
 
 Alas ! for the good man — the uncle. He had taken a 
 regular Jonah aboard! 
 
 Spriggles found a loose sewing twine in the side of 
 his sack, and pulling it about soon succeeded in un- 
 ripping the side of his receptacle and freeing his hands 
 from their sackcloth environments. 
 
 That was all right; it only concerned Spriggles 
 himself. 
 
 But then, " Someone finds some mischief for idle hands 
 to do," and Spriggles' hands being free, he must needs 
 ascertain how his companions in bondage were pro- 
 gressing. 
 
 There were holes in the little pigs' sacks, and 
 Spriggles' fingers were soon into them and tickling his 
 friends' noses " to make them talk," as he afterwards 
 explained. 
 
14 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 By-and-by, two holes, by the giving way of inter- 
 vening threads, were made into one, and by steady 
 manipulation adjacent and subsidiary holes were 
 included in the gap, until Master Pig's head, with its 
 beautiful seraphic smile, popped through. 
 
 Having its head free, piggy, aided by good Master 
 Spriggles, gradually worked his dainty little trotters 
 through the aperture, much to the delight of the urchin. 
 
 Then Spriggles patted and cuddled his friend — ^he 
 was always and still is very fond of pork (roast) — and 
 kicking clear his hind legs from the sack, piggy was 
 suddenly emancipated. 
 
 At this time the sky was black and dense with snow- 
 clouds, and for some time had been showering down the 
 beautiful and fleecy flakes, and was now falling so 
 rapidly that every object at a dozen yards distance was 
 completely blotted out. An Egyptian darkness covered 
 everything; and just as the gloom was greatest there 
 was a scream and a squeak, a clatter of little hoofs on 
 the tail-board, and — one of the pigs had deserted. 
 
 How sweet his uncle looked at that critical moment ! 
 Spriggles remembers well, and can still recall to mind 
 the sound and feel of his whip-stock as it fell with 
 beautiful rhythmic cadence, sometimes on the sack, and 
 sometimes on his own little carcase. The music of the 
 baton de cheval was harmonious; bass when it fell on 
 the straw-stuffed sack, and treble when it met the flesh. 
 The other little porker threw in his alto part capitally, 
 while uncle preserved the even tejior of his beat. 
 
'' SPRIGGLES:' 15 
 
 The other man who was in the cart did nothing except 
 say funny things to himself, which I have since surmised 
 from the exigencies of the case must have been 
 profane; anyhow it acted as a kind of obHgato to the 
 general concert, which came to a sudden cessation by 
 the horse moving on suddenly — a procedure which saved 
 both my uncle and the man the trouble of alighting by 
 the iron step (which was no doubt slippery), for they 
 made a short cut of it over the tail-board. Neither was 
 hurt, for the snow was very deep, but when they arose 
 and shook the white flakes from their great coats, they 
 certainly were not at all polite to each other, and used 
 very unparliamentary language, each accusing the other 
 of causing the disaster by not looking after the horse. 
 
 Spriggles kept " squat." 
 
 I can see them now in my mind's eye. Both were 
 bundled up in much underclothing, over which their top 
 coats were drawn (probably with the help of a shoe- 
 horn), the collars being turned up round their red muffler- 
 swathed necks. The big horn buttons looked ready to 
 fly off the distended coats, so great was the pressure 
 within, both of clothing and turbulent spirits. One 
 flourished a whip and the other a four-foot ground ash, 
 and each looked purple in the face as he stood up to his 
 knees in the snow, saying naughty words, and dimming 
 each other's character. 
 
 Spriggles, like the then unwritten " Brer Rabbit," 
 lay low, and for the time, amid the surrounding gloom, 
 was forgotten. 
 
1 6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 The gentle Spriggles will never forget that pig hunt, 
 for it lasted two mortal hours. 
 
 Men were dug out from neighbouring cottages to come 
 and enjoy the pleasures of the chase, and to track the 
 little footsteps of the wanderer through the deepening 
 snow. 
 
 But all to no purpose ; the falling snow completely 
 hid every track and sign of piggy- Not even a grunt 
 broke the stillness of the snow-laden air. 
 
 Had he fallen into a hole? Had he burrowed into a 
 deek? Had he done this or had he done that? Such 
 were the unanswerable questions thrown out by the 
 gallant huntsmen; but nothing came of them, and the 
 hunt was abandoned, or rather the hardy hunters 
 adjourned to an inn, half a mile up the road. 
 
 Spriggles adjourned too, and with the rest partook of 
 hot spiced ale out of what appeared to him in those 
 early days a bushel measure, which his shaking little 
 beetroot hands failed to convey to his Hps unaided. 
 
 The tale of the hunt was told, and the landlord, to 
 aid in the chase, lent his two dogs and himself, and 
 between them the pig was discovered in a covered drain, 
 which ran under the earth, in front of a gateway which 
 gave access to some common land. 
 
 The ditch was frozen, and covered with snow on each 
 side of the drain or culvert, but in the interior the 
 water was only partly frozen — a mixture of ice and water. 
 
 The dogs discovered the porker and went in after 
 him, but although piggy yelled enough to spoil his voice 
 
'' SFRIGGLESr 17 
 
 'he would not come out, neither could the dogs make 
 him. 
 
 The quarry was found, but how to secure it, that was 
 the question? 
 
 At last a man fetched his old firelock from his cottage, 
 and a pipe-bowl of powder being rammed home, the gun 
 was discharged up the spout, or rather into the culvert. 
 
 That did it : Mr. Pig emerged from the other end, 
 not with a rush, but slowly and staggeringly, for his 
 feet were so benumbed that he could hardly stand, and 
 that was why the dogs had failed to dislodge him, 
 although his ears hung in tatters. 
 
 Oh ! Spriggles, what a morning's work was that ! 
 
 The pig and the young gentleman just named were 
 restored to their respective sacks, and Barton was 
 eventually reached. 
 
 Spriggles was forgiven, and uncle would therefore 
 show him the Broad. And what Spriggles saw as he 
 sat up in his sack was this. 
 
 A great level expanse of black ice, covered in some 
 parts with drifts of snoWj and in others fanned as clear 
 by the wind as if it had been carefully swept. How 
 far the sea of ice extended could not be discovered, 
 because the sky was so filled with snow-clouds as to 
 give but little light, and what little light there was, was 
 swallowed by the haze which overspread everything, 
 subduing every sound, and making the silence absolute 
 and painful. Three or four hundred yards was the 
 utmost boundary of sight ; beyond, all was mystery — a 
 
 B ' 
 
i8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 mystery as impenetrable to the young mind as is the 
 firmament surrounding the earth to the mind of the 
 savant. It appeared a frozen ocean. 
 
 On either hand great rands of yellow reed swayed 
 almost imperceptibly in the nearly stagnant air, the 
 purple flossy heads pufFmg, some hither, some thither, 
 as an icy flaw caught them faintly. 
 
 At the edge, where the staithe joined the broad, the 
 ice had been broken, and lay in great hummocks and 
 cakes, piled in miniature castles and forts by the village 
 children now in scholastic incarceration. 
 
 A flight of ducks in V form came silently out of the 
 gloom, and flew so close that the noisy movement of 
 their wings broke the stillness of the frozen lagoon, and 
 their startled utterance gave quite a liveliness ; but only 
 for a few seconds ; then all was still again, except for 
 the crunching footfalls of someone approaching through 
 the deep snow. 
 
 Then while John Spriggles was staring into obscurity, 
 and thinking what a queer place a " Broad " was, he 
 became suddenly aware of the presence of a man dressed 
 in a strange costume, which consisted of a sack having 
 holes through which the wearer's head and arms were 
 stuck, and which garment was bound round the waist 
 by several strands of spun-yarn. 
 
 The legs of the funny man were also encased in pieces 
 of sacking, likewise deftly fastened with spun-yarn 
 arranged in the style one sees of cross-gartering used 
 by the Italian and Spanish peasants. 
 
" SFRIGGLES:' 19 
 
 A thick wrap was round the neck of the figure, and 
 a shapeless " billy-cock " on his head completed a very 
 curious costume. In his right hand he held a gun, just 
 as tall as himself, and round his waist, depending from his 
 spun-yarn belt, dangled a half-score ducks, a powder horn, 
 a shot-flask, and a pair of dannocks. He was indeed a 
 curious object, and Spriggles' eyes roved him over from 
 top to toe, even noticing that his thick leather " dan- 
 nocks " were fingerless, and suspended round his neck by 
 the inevitable lanyard of spun-yarn, so that they could be 
 slipped off at any moment, for the shooter to have free 
 handling of his weapon. When on his huge paws their 
 chief use appeared to be for wiping his nose, whose point 
 was continually furnished with a glistening dewdrop, 
 which, had it not been frequently removed, would quickly 
 have consolidated into a substantial icicle. 
 
 And that nose! and those eyebrows! They made 
 Spriggles stare again. 
 
 The eyebrows were shaggy masses of dark fuzzy hair 
 (miniature haystacks), on which the frost was sparkling 
 in the keen, biting air, while the nose was the largest 
 Spriggles had ever seen — it was enormous, and towards 
 the tip, of a beautiful violet-blue colour, with a kind of 
 bloom upon it. Spriggles fixed his eyes upon that 
 nose in wonder, not unmixed with awe. 
 
 Then uncle and the stranger entered an inn, probably 
 to thaw the stranger's frost-bitten proboscis ; for when 
 the former came and fetched Spriggles from his sack, 
 the duck-shooter sat in the bar holding- a bie measure 
 
20 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 of hot ale just under his nose. The boy sat spell-bound, 
 gazing on that wonderful and fearful nose, watching its 
 change of colour, just as a man watches the tints on 
 a piece of steel he is tempering. 
 
 Gradually the bloom vanished, then the purple turned 
 blue, only to be succeeded by a red purple, a ruby, and 
 finally settled down to what must have been its normal 
 tint — a full crushed strawberry colour. 
 
 Then Spriggles was popped into his straw-sack, a 
 couple of brace of wild duck flung into the cart by his 
 side, and still thinking of that wonderful nose he was 
 soon 'XI the land of dreams. 
 
 Spriggles visits Hickling Broad. 
 
 Naturally, when summer came smiling along, with its 
 flowers and its balmy, breezy days, Spriggles wanted 
 to see a broad in its best dress, and his uncle, good man 
 that he was, was willing to oblige him. 
 
 The day came in July when a load of reed had to be 
 fetched from Hickling, as house thatching was just then 
 brisk ; a month later every wagon would be required 
 in the harvest field. 
 
 Spriggles was delighted as he took his place in the 
 great wagon, which went off at a slow rate, drajwn by 
 two fine strong horses. Clear of the village the horses 
 were put to the trot, and this Spriggles enjoyed even 
 more, for the violent jolting of the wagon created such 
 a dreadful noise that no one attempted to speak. 
 
'' SFRIGGLES:' 21 
 
 Spriggles clung to his seat — a piece of inch plank reach- 
 ing from side to side of the wagon — his teeth rattling 
 in his head as the great broad, iron-tyred wheels crushed 
 over stones and little inequalities in the road ; he and 
 the two men shook and trembled from top to toe like 
 jelly-fish as they whirled along, leaving a great cloud of 
 dust flying behind them in the brilliant sunshine. 
 
 Spriggles on his springy seat looked like a blob of 
 blanc-mange held in the spoon of a man suffering from 
 palsy ; and he thoroughly enjoyed it. The more his 
 teeth rattled and his body shook like the aforesaid dab 
 of " wibbly-wobbly," the more he was delighted. 
 
 So in due time the seven or eight miles were covered, 
 and Hickling was reached. 
 
 Spriggles, with a face like the surrounding poppies, 
 was left on the edge of a marsh running down to the 
 broad, with particular injunctions to look after the frail- 
 basket containing dinner for the three — uncle, nephew, 
 and man — which, together with a half-gallon bottle of 
 home-brewed, were placed in a small reed-boat, and 
 covered with some loose sedge or gladdon. Then the 
 boat was drawn ashore, and Spriggles left to amuse him- 
 self, while the wagon was taken to fetch the reed, which 
 was a mile further across the marsh. 
 
 Spriggles had come armed for the finny fray. His 
 armament consisted of a short clothes prop, a length of 
 whip-cord, and a fair-sized hook. 
 
 Besides these he had a little tin box stuffed with half 
 a dozen fat, lazy lobworms. 
 
2 2 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Sprig-g-les would essay the angle. 
 
 But success did not crown his efforts so quickly as he 
 expected — trade was dull — he did not even get a bite — 
 not even from the basket which was strictly " taboo." 
 
 Spriggles grew restless, and tired of his occupation 
 looked around, not for mischief, but merely for some- 
 thing to do to keep him from ennui. 
 
 Ha ! ha ! He wondered if the boat would float if he 
 could push it off. It looked so nice as it lay on the 
 verdant shore fifty yards away, its well-tarred sides 
 glittering in the sun. 
 
 Why not try ? 
 
 He would cast in his hook and bait once more, and 
 then go and investigate the little reed-boat. 
 
 Sw-a-ack ! Out flew the hook baited with a large 
 worm weighing something under a quarter of a pound, 
 followed by several yards of whip-cord. The end of the 
 prop or rod was firmly thrust into the yielding soil of 
 the oozy marsh, and off ran Spriggles. 
 
 The boat was small, but so was the boy ; but what he 
 lacked in strength he made up for in perseverance, and 
 at length, after pushing and pulling, pufhng and blowing, 
 the boat actually floated. 
 
 Hurrah! now for some fun, thought Spriggles, but 
 before he could scramble into the bobbing boat he 
 noticed that his rod had become uneasy at his absence, 
 and was dancing and bowing in a very curious manner. 
 
 Off bounced the boy, his face aglow with excitement, 
 for hitherto he had never caught a fish more than say 
 
'' SPRIGGLES:' 23 
 
 four inches in length, and this to judge by the gambols 
 of the upright rod must be a large one. 
 
 Spriggles seized the wand, and knowing nothing of 
 playing a fish, proceeded to jerk it from its element by 
 the usual process of a mighty overhead swish, calculated 
 either to rend asunder the jaws of the captive or 
 land him on the green sward twenty yards behind his 
 captor. 
 
 But Spriggles reckoned without his guest ; he could 
 not at first withdraw his line, for there was something 
 very heavy struggling on it. Presently, by perseverance, 
 he got it nearer the edge and into shallow water, and 
 then he became alarmed, for whatever it was appeared 
 too formidable for such a little fellow to tackle. 
 
 It might be some water-dragon — ^who could tell? 
 What if it were the great wiggle-waggle himself? 
 Should he drop the rod and run? 
 
 No, he would see what it was first. 
 
 But before seeing what his capture might be, he 
 became suddenly aware that instead of standing on terra 
 firma, he was in about six inches of nice fat, black oozy 
 mud, which was gently gliding over his boot tops and 
 trickhng among his toes. 
 
 Thoughts of a certain little ash-plant much smaller 
 than the one in his hand came into his head, but still 
 he manfully held to his prize. 
 
 Well, after a time, by executing a masterly retreat, he 
 drew the fish from the water, an eel over three feet in 
 length — a veritable, hairy-backed " whopper." 
 
24 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 At first he looked at the monster in dismay, fearing 
 that hke the dragon of old it might devour him ; but 
 like the good knight St. George his courage was high, 
 and he resolved to slay this Hickling Dragon. 
 
 Stalking it in a crouching position, and bringing the 
 rod down on its slimy carcase with all his little might, 
 he would fly back from it as if it were about to attack 
 him, and then renew the assault, until at length the 
 monster eel gave in, and laid out straight as a sign 
 that it was vanquished. 
 
 Spriggles was more than delighted; he was in 
 ecstasies as he dragged his resistless victim to the boat, 
 in which he placed it. 
 
 But oh ! those boots and those knickerbockers ! What 
 would uncle say — and do? 
 
 At the terrible mess of mud he began to howl with 
 consternation — just quietly to himself. . 
 
 How could he get it off? Wet grass! 
 
 So he polished, and howled, and dipped grass in the 
 water and tried to put matters straight, but it was of no 
 use. What came off his boots in the way of mud and 
 blacking, was only transferred to his hands and face, so 
 that in a few moments his own grandmother would not 
 have known him. 
 
 A bright idea : why not sit on the prow of the boat 
 and dangle his dirty boots in the water, that would 
 clean them. In he jumped, and quite enjoyed the give- 
 and-take motion of the light boat as it responded to every 
 motion of his body, as he sat straddle-legs over the prow. 
 
" SFRIGGLESy 25 
 
 He had nearly removed the whole of the mud from 
 his boots, and was doing capitally, when he happened 
 to look up, and saw a pretty green island of reeds and 
 boulders not fifty yards ahead. 
 
 " How did that come there ? do islands float ? " he 
 mentally asked himself. But before the question was 
 even mentally answered he looked round, and — oh 
 horror ! he was a hundred yards from the shore. 
 
 He gingerly removed himself from the stem and sat 
 down upon the floor of the boat trembling with fear. 
 
 He was afloat now with a vengeance — but no oars. He 
 shouted and he cried, but all was vain. Hunger and the 
 adventures of the day at length completely exhausted 
 the little fellow, and he knew no more till he awoke a 
 couple of hours after. 
 
 Could he believe his senses : his boat appeared to be 
 going ahead very quickly, for he could hear the water 
 surge against the bows and run gurgling away under the 
 stern. 
 
 He peeped over the gunnel, and there beheld a 
 gigantic man in a tanned slop and fustian trousers, who 
 stood up in another boat which he propelled with one 
 hand, with a quant, at a tremendous rate. He would 
 probably have used two only one had been amputated 
 some years before. 
 
 Spriggles had never travelled so fast in his life before, 
 but when Charon is about seven feet high the Styx must 
 necessarily be navigated at a great pace. 
 
 He was going to his doom — the ash-plant of his uncle. 
 
26 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Charon caught sight of Spriggles' face just then, and 
 with a semblance of harshness in his voice said : 
 
 " Well, blame my carkridge ! yoVre a pritty lookin' 
 mawkin, an' no mistake. Keep yow squat, or I shell ha' 
 to dangle yow over the starn to get some of the muck 
 off yer face else yer uncle 'ont know yer." 
 
 Poor Spriggles was terrified, both by the man and what 
 he expected was in store for him when he met his dinner- 
 less uncle ; for it may be remembered the frail-basket 
 containing the day's food was left in his charge, and was 
 still in the boat. 
 
 Charon proved kind on landing, and producing an old 
 handkerchief from his locker, so beautified the boy that 
 he made him quite presentable. 
 
 With great misgivings Spriggles followed gigantic 
 Charon towards the Pleasure-Boat Inn, expecting a warm 
 reception, but what was his surprise to find his uncle 
 sitting balanced on the top of a two-gallon bottle on the 
 pathway opposite the Inn, while a crowd stood around 
 trying to make him laugh, or in other way lose his balance. 
 
 It was an old custom that when a man had had a glass 
 and was not supposed to be able to control his move- 
 ments, to wager him a certain amount that he could not 
 place a two-gallon jar down in any convenient spot, mouth 
 upward, lay a short piece of board over it, and then sit 
 on it and balance himself with both feet off the ground 
 for the space of one minute. 
 
 This little game probably saved Spriggles' skin, for his 
 uncle won his wager and was accordingly in a good 
 
'' SFRIGGLES." 27 
 
 temper. Spriggles, after a good meal, was hoisted on 
 top of the huge load of reed by means of a cart-rope, 
 and having fastened his feet to the binding rope by 
 means of a piece of spun-yarn, as requested, was soon 
 in the land of nod, soothed by his day's exertions and 
 the monotonous rumble of the heavily laden wagon 
 homeward returning. 
 
 The mountains of childhood have a knack of becom- 
 ing very insignificant hills in manhood, and it is not 
 surprising to find the seven-foot Charon of childhood a 
 man of five feet ten inches in after years. 
 
 But that eel — ^well, unlike Charon it has not diminished 
 in size, for it was weighed at the time and scaled nearly 
 five pounds, and what is more, Spriggles has never caught 
 a larger eel in forty years' angling. 
 
 Now Spriggles disappears (in nubibus only) and will 
 trouble the reader no more with his mild personal 
 reminiscences. 
 
CHAPTER 11. 
 
 FLOTSAM ; OR, THE EVANESCENCE OF WEALTH. 
 
 Even in the quietest villages there is sure to be, now 
 and again, some occurrence which for the time being 
 will cause things to become quite lively, and such an 
 
 incident occurred some years ago at H , which shall 
 
 be related under the above heading. 
 
 There were only three characters in the Httle drama, 
 and though the occurrence was a simple one, those who 
 took part in it may yet have one more laugh over it, for 
 they still live. 
 
 Jerry C was an amphibious son of the soil (as an 
 
 Irishman might put it), his life was partly that 
 of an agricultural labourer, and partly that of a fisherman 
 in the North Sea fleet, which, as everyone knows, puts 
 to sea in September and fishes till near Christmas, when it 
 " makes up," that is, returns to harbour, and is dismantled 
 for the winter, her crew receiving their dole of the profits. 
 
 It was late October, and Jerry was invaHded home 
 (fishing was bad that year) with an injury tO' his right 
 hand, which accounts for his presence in his native 
 village in the autumn. 
 
FLOTSAM. 29 
 
 Tom H was a blacksmith, at home all the 
 
 year round, and day in, day out, he banged hot iron 
 on his anvil, and as the aforesaid Irishman might remark, 
 " he made his bread with the sweat of his brow." 
 Tom was a good fellow — nothing wrong or mean with 
 Tom. 
 
 The third to complete the trio of dramatis personcs 
 was a little black-bearded coastguard, whom we will call 
 " Dicky Dido," because that was not bis name. 
 
 Now it so happened that Tom had been at work at 
 
 W y a neighbouring village, and the weather being 
 
 fine, Jerry had promised to stroll over in the evening, 
 and walk back with him after a glass of ale and pipe at 
 the Sultry Sailor. 
 
 Now ten o'clock is village time for closing the inn, or 
 as it is more commonly termed, "turning out time," and 
 at that hour, therefore, Tom and Jerry stepped out into 
 the blackness of night — a blackness caused partly from 
 their eyes coming from the accustomed light of the cosy 
 tap into the unlit roadway, and partly because the night 
 was both moonless and starless, and great masses of 
 cloud proclaimed rain at hand. 
 
 They stumbled and staggered down to the gap-way 
 and on to the beach, as labouring men have a knack of 
 doing, " swidges " and mud being no deterrent to their 
 thickly shod feet. 
 
 It was a mild night, and they rolled along the beach 
 right down to the edge of the sea, the walking there 
 was better, the sand being firmer ; and as they walked 
 
30 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 and chatted, with an occasional bump against each other, 
 they kept their eyes lifting seaward — 2. habit bom in 
 coast villagers — because they sometimes "see things." 
 
 All kinds of flotsam and jetsam* is heaved upon this 
 Eastern shore, and men know that the unexpected often 
 happens, and keep an eye for the said " things " accord- 
 ingly. To wander along the shore at all times and tides 
 with a Micawber eye to what may turn up, is locally 
 known as " pawking," and the wanderers as " pawkers." 
 
 What precisely to look for they have not the faintest 
 notion. " Things " may be telegraph posts or oranges, 
 dead pigs or candles, hencoops or dead men, Russian 
 tallow or figs, sailcloth or coals, maimed and drowned 
 cattle, frost-killed congers or broomsticks already tied in 
 convenient bundles for carrying on one's shoulder, or 
 many other curious things that would scarcely be 
 believed were they mentioned. 
 
 So Tom and Jerry kept their eyes lifting, and by a 
 lucky chance their vigilance was rewarded. 
 
 "What's that, Tom?" said Jerry, clutching his com- 
 panion's shoulder and pointing with unsteady hand to 
 something just discernible among the breakers. " Jest 
 thar, look!" 
 
 Tom presently saw it, and with gaping mouth looked 
 intently at it and presently remarked : 
 
 " It's suffin', Jerry, sure 'nuff. 'Tain't a ped ctnd 'tain't 
 a fish trunk. Too big for thet." 
 
 " Looks to me like an ole bullock bing, but jest you 
 watch, it's got a leed on," rejoined his comrade. 
 
FLOTSAM. 3T 
 
 So they watched, and made it out to be a large box or 
 case, but they were very doubtful, as it was only when 
 the object was among the white broken water that they 
 could see it at all. The darkness of the night made all 
 other parts of the sea obscure, but the luminosity which 
 usually accompanies " white water " or foam, rendered 
 the object visible at uncertain intervals as it heaved and 
 bobbed around in the sea, which broke on the outer 
 bank, a hundred yards out. 
 
 Between this bank and the shore lay a broad " low " 
 or inner line of water, fairly smooth, but very deep and 
 dangerous to wade through, because of the deep holes 
 in it scoured out by the run of the tide. 
 
 As the tide was now nearly full, the last of the flood 
 running, the " low " was probably seven or eight feet 
 deep, so what was to be done ? A lake lay between the 
 men and their prize. 
 
 " It don't fare to me to come no nigher, Tom, du it to 
 yew?" 
 
 " No, ter on'y seem ter keep a-bobbin' about in that 
 ther driftway." 
 
 They agreed therefore to wait a little and see what 
 happened, but after half an hour the " thing " still 
 remained at the same place, bobbing and rolling about 
 just where the waves broke. 
 
 " Well ? " said Tom, interrogatively. 
 
 " May be suthin' worth havin'. I can't swim ; do yow 
 strip and go in arter it, Jerry ; I'll help yer as fer as my 
 waist, and we'll go snacks in it, eh ? " 
 
32 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Jerry remarked, " The water's freezin' cold, and I 
 hain't got the proper use o' my right flipper, and maybe 
 it's only some ole empty box arter all." 
 
 " Empty box be blowed ! If it was it wouldn't stick 
 thare bowin' and clapper-clawin' at us in that one spot 
 all this time. Go it, Jerry ; in arter it, bor, and I'll help 
 yer ashore. Seems to me it's anchored or catched onter 
 suthin', 'relse it would ha' bin ashore afore this." 
 
 "P'r'aps it's a mazin' big danto off some man-o'-war, or 
 a square Trinity buoy," said Jerry, as he peeled off his 
 smock and guernsey preparatory to taking the icy water. 
 
 At last he was ready, and stood crouched in the cold 
 air. " Hare go then, Tom, but blest if I like it." 
 
 Then in he waded, making remarks profane and other- 
 wise, and in a few minutes had battled his way to the 
 outer bank, upon which he landed and stood shivering 
 in about three feet of swirling black water, feeling very 
 shuddery and uncomfortable. 
 
 Then wading to the prize, and carefully approach- 
 ing it, for it was bumping about in all directions, he laid 
 his hand upon it. It was a big deal case about three 
 feet square, but although he obtained a firm- grip of it, 
 he could not move it very readily, for although it floated, 
 there was evidently something attached which anchored 
 it effectually. 
 
 He gradually waded right round it, sometimes in three 
 feet of water, and sometimes out of his depth, and as he 
 progressed he carefully felt all round with his feet, to 
 ascertain what held his lawful prize — for possession and 
 
FLOTSAM, 33 
 
 a still tongue constitutes legal right in the pawker's 
 eyes. 
 
 He was not long in discovering what held the case in 
 position ; it was a two and a half inch rope, of which one 
 end was fastened securely round the case, while the 
 other went trending away under the inky sea, where it 
 was probably held by sunken wreckage or a tangled 
 mass of weed. 
 
 Jerry's knife was ashore, so he could not cut the rope ; 
 he must try and untie it, but although he laboured at 
 the swollen and stiffened rope till his fingers bled and 
 his shins were chipped and blackened by the case tum- 
 bling against them, his labour was in vain ; he could not 
 start the knot. 
 
 What Jerry said at this juncture need not be written, 
 for these East coast men use some very choice 
 expressions when they are excited or irritated, which 
 lose half their vigour and blood-curdling properties when 
 embalmed in printer's ink. Enough that Jerry's lower 
 jaw shook so with cold that he did not even understand 
 his own remarks. 
 
 Jerry swam ashore and made some more remarks about 
 Tom's inability to swim, and after sprinting up and down 
 the firm sand for a few minutes, to restore circulation, 
 he again plunged into the icy tide, landing near the 
 case. 
 
 Jerry stealthily approached the case, which appeared 
 pleased to see him, for it advanced in a friendly way to 
 meet him, and in its hurry took the poor man in the pit 
 
 C 
 
34 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 of the stomach with one of its comers, and made him 
 groan again. 
 
 But Jerry was not wholly daunted, he rushed once 
 more to the attack, and sawed and sawed away on the 
 salted rope till, with the help of a breaking sea, the last 
 strands gave way and he and the case rolled shorewards 
 together. 
 
 Now Jerry stood on the edge of the Nigerian pool — 
 the " low " — ^and gave a low hist ! to attract his mate. 
 
 " Where are you ? " said Tom in a low voice, for 
 pawking and poaching are both akin, not being looked 
 on kindly by the powers that be. 
 
 " Here am I ! " came from the beach, " I'm a-comin' in 
 arter yer. Oh! jumpin' spikes, ain't the water cold? 
 Here am I, bor, more Ostend ways — a bit more North, 
 mate." 
 
 Tom came in manfully, almost up to his armpits, the 
 cold water causing him to open his mouth like a round 
 O, and arch his eyebrows like a hedg^-ehog's back. He 
 stretched forth his hand to get a hold of the case, which 
 floated lightly enough, so much so that there was no need 
 for him to have waded in at all, only that by so doing 
 he put himself on a par with Jerry in the adventure, and 
 expected to share equally with him in the prize. 
 
 Oh ! Eugh ! ! Hel'lup ! Boof ! and a great splashing, 
 and there was Tom out of his depth in a big caldron 
 hole with seven feet of water under him 
 
 He could not swim a stroke, so Jerry made a grab at 
 him, and Tom immediately clutched his comrade round 
 
FLOTSAM, 35 
 
 the neck, and down they went together, fighting and 
 battling for dear hfe. 
 
 Just then came a hail from the blackness of the cliff- 
 shrouded beach. 
 
 "Hello there! Who's that? What's amiss?" 
 
 The only response was a series of peculiar cries from 
 the struggling men. 
 
 The hailer was the little black-bearded coastguard 
 mentioned as the third character in the drama, and he, 
 seeing something amiss, without another thought plunged 
 into the black swirling washway, and swam to the 
 struggling men. 
 
 When he reached them, Jerry had fished Tom out of 
 the hole, and was wading ashore with him in a very bad 
 plight ; for in his struggles Tom, a powerful fellow, had 
 almost drowned both himself and friend in his wild 
 scramble to reach the edge of the hole, which was but 
 a few yards across. 
 
 Safe on shore poor Tom in a short time recovered, 
 and now a third party had to be admitted to the secret 
 of the floating treasure. It was inevitable. 
 
 Dicky was nothing loath to keep a still tongue and 
 share the plunder, and if it should prove of any value 
 why — 
 
 " But where is the blessed box .-* " cried Tom, staring 
 into space. Then like one man down to the water they 
 ran, but no case was in sight. 
 
 It had vanished, and with it their hopes. 
 
 Up and down the beach they ran, but nothing could 
 
36 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 be seen, so they followed the tide ; and in half an hour 
 to their great joy, through the gloom, saw the case 
 resting peacefully on the outer sand-bank. 
 
 Into the " low " they dashed and waded across to their 
 treasure, shivering from head to foot with cold, their 
 knee-caps and jaws rattling like the feet of a marionette, 
 and floated the case across the low to the shore in 
 triumph. 
 
 " Landed ! Now what shall we do ? " 
 
 " Smash her open ? " 
 
 " No, let's ha' a squint at her fust." 
 
 Then Dicky fancied he could see some big writing on 
 the side, and Jerry ran to his clothes and got his match- 
 box, for Dicky and Tom were both clothed and every- 
 thing upon them saturated. 
 
 First match, no go. 
 
 Second match lit and went out. 
 
 Third match blown out also. 
 
 Fourth all right, and screened carefully that it 
 should not be seen by anyone who might be upon the 
 beach at this dark hour of midnight. 
 
 The match flickered for a few seconds, but that few 
 seconds was ample for Dicky to spell out the one word 
 painted in black letters on the side of the case, although 
 it was upside down. 
 
 He spelled out rapidly W-A-T-C-H-E-S, and Tom 
 saw it too ; Jerry shook too much to see anything, 
 besides he was shielding the match. 
 
 And then the light went out. 
 
FLOTSAM. 37 
 
 They stared at each other open-eyed and opened- 
 mouthed, those organs being so distended as to be 
 visible even in the darkness of the night. 
 
 Each commenced an exclamatory comment, but 
 neither finished his remark, so great was his astonishment. 
 
 " Well, I'll be r said Tom. 
 
 " Jumping dodmen ! wha-a-t ? " cried Jerry, and Dicky 
 joined in with 
 
 " This beats all I ever — ' — well ! " 
 
 Then they dragged their prize to the foot of the great 
 black cliffs and held a council of war. 
 
 Said Dicky : " Old T from B will be along 
 
 here about now, wondering what's become of me. I'll go 
 along and make my meeting with him, and then come 
 back to you. So keep you quiet and don't do anything 
 till I return." 
 
 Old T , it may be mentioned in parenthesis, was 
 
 the coastguard from B- . 
 
 It may not be generally known, that every night at a 
 certain time, the coastguards round England have to 
 walk two or three miles, and meet another from the next 
 station, to whom he hands a dispatch to prove that they 
 met and are on the alert. A failure to meet is a severe 
 breach of duty, and an inquiry is held to reprimand or 
 punish the culprit. 
 
 In half an hour Dicky returned, jubilant that his 
 fellow boatman had not noticed his saturated state, and 
 then the three knocked their heads together to ascertain 
 what was their next and best move. 
 
38 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 "No one must know of this hare haul," wisely 
 remarked Jerry, looking emphatically at his comrades. 
 " We are made men, all t'ree on us, and when I sail in 
 one mornin' with a proper little coble, with a new lug 
 and gear, my, 'ont they fare wholly stammed, but they'll 
 never know nothing from me of how I got it I'll tell 
 'em the man i' ther mune gan it ter me for a walentin, 
 'cause I was a good boy, eh ? " 
 
 And then all three fell to laughing in their excitement, 
 and counting their birds before they were hatched. 
 
 " Maybe," said Dicky, " they are not all watches, 
 perhaps there are a few chains and brooches and such 
 like, but then they will all sell well, and what ho ! for a 
 little pub when I quit the service. Free glasses every 
 night to both of you, mates." 
 
 " Lor lum'me ! " chimed in Tom, " these watches are 
 likely to dole out about a bushel apiece, but s'posen 
 they on'y come to a peck each, yew 'ont find me sweatin* 
 for no more masters, I'll ha' my own smithy with a little 
 pightle at the back, so thet I can turn my dicky inter 
 it, 'stead of letting him feed about the deeks and holls 
 like he du now." 
 
 And so they rattled on, with trembling limbs and 
 glittering eyes, till they bethought them that it was time 
 to be acting instead of talking ; accordingly, after sage 
 cogitation, Dicky was dispatched to his home for a 
 lantern, hatchet, and hammer, and Tom to his for three 
 bushel skeps, in which to carry their valuable treasure, 
 while Jerry in his dry clothes remained to guard the case. 
 
FLOTSAM. 39 
 
 After waiting aji hour — ^which Jerry thought quite two 
 — ^first Tom and then Dicky returned, keeping stealthily 
 in the black shadow of the mighty cliff. Tom had 
 his three skeps, one inside the other, and the whole bunch 
 whelmed over his head for easy carriage. 
 
 " All serene, sonny ? " queried Tom under his breath. 
 
 " All cor-rect, bor ! " from Jerry, as a kind of sign and 
 countersign. 
 
 Then came Dicky with a short crowbar and a bill- 
 hook, but no lantern. This he could not get as one of 
 the other coastguards was about, and in the very room^ 
 where the lanterns hung. 
 
 " Never mind, Dicky, we are poor chaps if we can't 
 open a case and fill a few skeps in the dark," quoth 
 Jerry ; " so, mate, fire away, and let's get at these here 
 Httle beauties." 
 
 So Dicky set to work, and with many cautions of 
 " Steady ; " " Mind you don't break 'em ; " " D'ye hear 'em 
 tick? " etc., the hd was at last prized off, and the thick 
 layer of superincumbent shavings removed with tremb- 
 ling hands and quickly drawn breath. 
 
 Beneath were a number of very symmetrical oblong 
 packages, one of which was gingerly removed by 
 Jerry. 
 
 " Light," said he sententiously, as he weighed it in his 
 hand ; and then, fumbling in the dark, proceeded to undo 
 the package. 
 
 At last the packet suddenly fell apart into a hundred 
 segments, each part being a miniature oblong counter- 
 
40 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 part of the parent package, and was scattered here and 
 there over the soft sand. 
 
 " There ! " cried Tom and Dicky in the same breath, 
 " yow're dun it now, bor ! " 
 
 Jerry without replying knelt and groped on the sand, 
 and found a little packet which had a familiar feel in his 
 hand, and this he now quickly tore open, and excitedly 
 uttered, with considerable emphasis, these words : 
 
 "Matches! I'm d !" 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 
 
 The lively little " Pillbox " was a capital little craft of 
 seven tons register — neither too big nor too small for 
 a party of four — a number which may be taken as the 
 ideal party for a cruise, enough for comfort, and not 
 enough to divide into petty factions obnoxious to each 
 other in the matter of choice of food, " where shall we 
 go?" etc. 
 
 One room-y cabin, a larder, lavatory, forepeak for man 
 and cooking, and a well-lockered stern-sheets constituted 
 the accommodation. Sufficient for all purposes and no 
 more. 
 
 Let the Innocents stand forth for inspection. 
 
 Burley S , handy as shifting ballast. 
 
 Long E , handy for disentangling ropes without 
 
 ascending the mast. 
 
 Stuggy K , useful for cheek in foraging expedi- 
 tions and interviewing irate landowners after a trespass. 
 
 Weedy P , handy for firing jokes at, finding non- 
 existing beauties, and writing verses. 
 
 Then there was the man L , useful as cook, sailing 
 
42 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 master, and everything else that required the least exer- 
 tion or trouble, and really, for utility, worth the four 
 members of the party rolled into one. 
 
 Now what is related in this veritable chapter may be 
 strictly true or it may not ; and although the chapter is 
 headed a cruise, it may mean several cruises squeezed 
 into one ; but an3rway, there lies the " Pillbox " at a 
 certain well-known quay at Yarmouth, and the four 
 heroes (by a slip of the pen I had nearly written duffers) 
 and their man, having cast off from the said wharf or quay, 
 float gaily across the flowing tide and stick firmly on 
 the mudbank so conveniently placed at the mouth of the 
 Bure, a butt for passing wherrymen and pleasure-seekers. 
 
 The tide is rising, so our heroes, like true yachtsmen, 
 wipe the mud off their hands, and grin and bear it. 
 They have failed at banks before, and sometimes a 
 bank failure results in a good send-off after all, at least 
 
 such was the opinion of P , who calmly reclined on a 
 
 locker in the cabin, and book and pencil in hand began 
 an epic on much the same lines as if the craft had been 
 the Ark resting on Ararat, instead of the " Pillbox " 
 wallowing on the ooze. 
 
 Sorry to use threats so early on the voyage, E , 
 
 finding the yacht lively, ordered the poet on deck, and 
 placing a muddy rope in his hand ordered him to pull 
 for all he was worth. He was apparently bankrupt, for 
 all his pulling would not have detached a limpet from 
 its native fastness. 
 
 But presently with a yo! heave, ho! and pulling till 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 43 
 
 their backbones crackled again, off bounced the " Pill- 
 box/' and the Bure's mouth received another tooth 
 (white hulled yacht). Under those two ugly bridges and 
 past the picturesque old North Gate, and then up sail, 
 and away to — for the Weedy one at least — regions un- 
 known. It was his first cruise, so of course he must 
 commence a diary, and informed his comrades that he 
 should be '' awfully glad if they would add a few im- 
 pressions here and there, don't cher know ! " 
 
 And they did. 
 
 Now for right down wretched monotony and absence 
 of interest in scenery, the ten miles from Bure mouth to 
 Stokesby village would be hard to beat in all England. 
 There is literally nothing worth looking at, and less to 
 write about — even the cottages are literally a mile or 
 more apart, and are known as the one-mile house, two- 
 mile house, etc. 
 
 This being so, Weedy was requested to start his 
 diary, and to particularly notice the diversity of scenery 
 and the many little items of interest passed on each 
 
 mile of the voyage; and L , the man, or as we called 
 
 him, Chuckle, would tell him when we passed each 
 'mile-house." 
 
 Weedy got the flat dreary marshland down famously ; 
 he described it thus : 
 
 " The view after leaving Yarmouth is very extensive, 
 the sun-kissed meadows stretching away into the 
 purplish-azure of the distance as far as the human eye 
 has power of vision." 
 
44 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Then came the ten thousand cattle several times 
 repeated : cousins, sisters, and aunts to those which gave 
 the Zulu King Cetewayo more idea of Queen Victoria's 
 wealth than anything he saw during his visit to England. 
 Those speckled, dotted, and party-coloured cattle Weedy 
 had summed up in a very poetic paragraph commencing : 
 
 " L'O ! the myriads of cattle which dot the verdant 
 plains with gems of colour." 
 
 Stuggy suggested and maintained that instead of 
 " Lo ! the myriads," it should commence, " The cattle 
 low ; " but persisting, to Weedy's annoyance, Burley in 
 stentorian tones commanded him to " Lay low," which 
 he did accordingly. 
 
 Weedy brought in the azure sky and the glistening 
 river very prettily, but left the mud, which lay fat and 
 shiny by either bank, severely alone. 
 
 All this was very pleasant for the first mile, but when 
 the same thing was repeated during the second mile, his 
 ideas upon the same themes grew less. 
 
 The third mile made him nervous. 
 
 The fourth mile of the same kind of scenery and 
 cattle made him halt and tap his forehead for fresh 
 ideas and inspiration. The fifth wearied him, and 
 when the sixth started in the same way he utterly 
 collapsed. 
 
 Mud, marsh, and murky sky (for it was only his 
 poetical license that made him write azure) had done 
 their fell work, and the journahstic poet looked unutter- 
 able things at his jocular persecutors. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 45 
 
 Still Weedy was not a fellow to owe anyone a grudge, 
 and soon forgot his breakdown. 
 
 Presently Linear, as they dubbed E. from his length, 
 was taken with a happy thought, and seizing the 
 neglected diary wrote : 
 
 If scenery in this part of Norfolk were written in 
 cookery book style it would work out thus : " Bure 
 Pudding — Take as much marshland as required, with 
 a liberal sprinkling of cattle, roll together with a few 
 clouds, moisten with a muddy whirling river, to which 
 add a fair amount of oleaginous mud. Stir well together 
 and flavour with a few whiffs from the manure 
 works. 
 
 " Time for cooking, from three to four hours. Enough 
 for four " (and to spare ?). 
 
 Weedy murmured something about " Sublime to the 
 ridiculous," and then to keep his comrades company sank 
 into silence and finally slumbered. 
 
 Stoke sby ivas reached at last, and then came a well- 
 earned meal. 
 
 Making a Hash of it. 
 
 With big plans for the morrow's fishing near Acle, 
 Chuckle was sent ahead to bait certain likely places a 
 mile or so past the bridge, while the noble quartette 
 cooked the dinner, of which everyone stood in great 
 
 need considering it was now five p.m. Clever K 
 
 constituted himself cook, and the dish was to be stewed 
 
46 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 mufton with plenty of onions and potatoes cut up with 
 it — a kind of Irish stew. 
 
 Burley was what he called Onioneer, or onion peeler 
 and slicer. He performed his ladhrymose task, and then 
 going ashore, laid quietly down to take a snooze on a 
 haycock. It required no hydraulic packing afterwards. 
 He weighs over twenty stones. Linear peeled potatoes, 
 set the table — only broke two plates — and then went to 
 fetch a gallon of ale from the inn on the river bank 
 handy. 
 
 K — ' — located in the peak, cooked both himself and 
 the mutton — spoking his tomato-coloured face out of the 
 hatch now and again to get a little fresh air, for the peak 
 was stifling. 
 
 Towards six o'clock, Burley, Linear, and also Weedy, 
 who had been absent without leave, probably looking 
 for a petticoat, for he was intensely amorous when not 
 looked after, assembled in the cabin with occasional 
 glances at their watches and sundry ravenous yawns. 
 
 " Nine hours since a blessed bit entered these rosebud 
 lips," sighed Burley. 
 
 " Nine gnawing hours since the lions were fed," put in 
 Linear, " and my stomach like the ravening lion roars 
 mightily for its prey." 
 
 " Aren't you almost ready, Soyer Redivivus ? " cried 
 Weedy, sticking his head through the little serving-door 
 leading to the forepeak. 
 
 " Coming, sir ! Coming ! " answered the voice of the 
 clever one from the depths of his cooking cave. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 47 
 
 Then he was heard scrambhng through the hatch on 
 deck, and shortly after came the welcome sound of a 
 saucepan lid rattling against the rim of the receptacle. 
 
 " He's straining off the potatoes," grunted fat Burley. 
 
 Everyone pricked up their ears ; the potatoes were 
 part of the stew. 
 
 " Shall I bring the tureen, chef ? " called Weedy out 
 of the nearest side window. 
 
 " Yes, you may," chortled Stuggy, " here's the stewed 
 mutton. Tve just strained it off! " 
 
 Alas! it was but too true, the lovely stew floated in 
 greasy circles and bubbles merrily away to Yarmouth. 
 
 The Biters Bitten. 
 
 Angling a mile beyond Acle — by Fishley Mill is often 
 decidedly good, but sometimes emphatically bad. You 
 take your station and you take your chance. 
 
 Luck at angling appears to go in the same groove as 
 kissing, it goes by favour — one by favour of the gods, 
 and the other by favour of the goddesses — the inn- 
 keeper's daughter by preference — the local Hebe. 
 
 Weedy, poor man, was given a couple of long lines and 
 told to go ledgering from the bridge — just merely to 
 keep him from pottering around the other three fellows 
 and spoiling their sport. 
 
 A bullet was attached to the end of each cable, and 
 a couple of hooks lashed on in the vicinity. A broken 
 pot half filled with worms was given him, and he was 
 
48 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 told to bait his hooks, fling them over the highest part of 
 the bridge, and haul in on the stroke of every hour. 
 All to meet at the yacht at six p.m. 
 
 Thus having got rid of troublesome Weedy, the trio 
 set out to angle at their appointed haunt, chortling in- 
 wardly, at their ruse. 
 
 Poor luck attended their efforts, although they had a 
 very pleasant day, and about half an hour before the 
 appointed time they reeled up and gambolled back along 
 the river wall, laughing at the trick they had played on 
 Weedy. 
 
 " Poor old beggar," said one, " let's make him envious, 
 empty the creel and half fill it with grass, then put the 
 fish in again." 
 
 The creel was emptied, the grass stuffed in with a few 
 stones to make it heavy, and the score or so of miserable 
 little fish replaced, the biggest of course on top. 
 
 The yacht was reached, and Weedy, who was expected 
 to be disgusted and asleep in the cabin hailed, Burley 
 meantime pretending to stagger under his load of 
 fish. 
 
 But no Weedy answered the hail ; in his place Chuckle 
 popped up his head and informed the trio that Mr, P. 
 (Weedy's patronymic) was still on the bridge. 
 
 Then those three asses set down the creel and danced 
 round it like three little school nippers. Yes, roared to 
 think poor Weedy had passed a whole day trying where 
 no one else ever attempted to catch a fish. 
 
 " Let's come and have a look at him," said Linear, 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 49 
 
 straightening himself up after being bent like a staple 
 with laughter. 
 
 And away they trotted along the nubbly path of the 
 river wall 
 
 Presently they met a boy with a pail — a pail level full 
 of fish, principally bream running from two to three 
 pounds apiece. 
 
 A sudden idea struck Stuggy. 
 
 " Where are you taking those fish, my lad ? " 
 
 " Down to a gentleman's yacht at Fishley, sir ! " 
 
 Then the naughty man bargained with the boy to 
 borrow the pail and its contents for a few minutes. 
 
 " You stop here, my lad, and we will be back in twenty 
 minutes with your fish, and you shall have sixpence for 
 yourself. We want to show them to a friend." 
 
 As they walked bridgeward Burley ejaculated : " This 
 little lot just shows you how these yokels net this river ; 
 scandalous, is it not ? " 
 
 When they came in sight of the bridge they could see 
 old Weedy 's head popping about, a sight which gave 
 them much glee. 
 
 " What cheer, old man ! " sang out Linear, as they 
 approached the bridge ; " what luck ? " 
 
 Weedy languidly replied that it was tiring work ; 
 whereupon the comrades nudged each other and had 
 much ado to keep their countenances. 
 
 " Oh ! we haven't found it so. Just look at our catch ? " 
 
 Weedy gazed at the scaly monsters and congratulated 
 them on their luck, with a merry little twinkle in his eye. 
 
 D 
 
50 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROAVS, 
 
 "Fine lot indeed," he warbled. 
 
 " Oh ! " put in Burley, " but these are not all, we only 
 brought them to show you as a sample of what we have 
 caught." 
 
 " I'm sorry you have had no luck ; dear me, I am 
 afraid you have not attained the knack of angling 
 successfully," said Stuggy loftily to Weedy. 
 
 "We'll give you a lesson to-morrow and show you 
 how you should manage it," chimed in Linear. 
 
 Then catching each other's eyes they could contain 
 themselves no longer. They roared at poor Weedy's 
 hours of abortive vigilance. 
 
 " But haven't you caught anything?'' inquired Stuggy. 
 
 "Oh yes," replied Weedy diffidently, "a few; I'll 
 show you; come here." 
 
 They followed Weedy, ready to roar at his mighty 
 catch, when behold in a hollow of the grass by the side 
 of the approach to the bridge lay about a couple of stone 
 of as fine bream and rudd as one would wish to see. 
 
 Burley nearly dropped the pail in astonishment. 
 
 " Not so bad for a novice, you must own," exclaimed 
 Weedy, " when you add the pailful you are so obligingly 
 carrying, and which I gave a boy twopence to take to 
 the yacht, you asses ! " 
 
 " When shall we three meet again," ejaculated Linear, 
 as he scratched his head and felt his ears for fear they 
 had sprouted like Bottom's in " A Midsummer Night's 
 Dream." 
 
 Weedy was a piscatorial hero, and never again 
 
THE INNOCENTS SUMMER CRUISE. 51 
 
 during the cruise did his friends speak of teaching him 
 angling ; it was a clear case of the biter being bit. 
 
 The Jolly Young Waterman. 
 
 One bright morning, while the " Pillbox " was on the 
 Ant, Linear and Burley thought they would take the 
 dinghy and have a pulL The former was to pull out and 
 the latter home, the object of the pull being a certain 
 little inn a mile from the river bank, boasting a very 
 fair bowling-green. 
 
 Burley was inclined to bibulousness on every legitimate 
 occasion, and Linear loved his glass of ale, especially 
 with a nice nobbly crust of bread and cheese after either 
 a walk or a pull ; and what Englishman does not? 
 
 The yacht lay near Ant mouth, with the dinghy astern, 
 its sail drying in the gentle breeze, which was not enough 
 for sailing purposes. 
 
 " Tumble in. Linear, and let me get into the stern- 
 sheets and take the lines," said Burley gaily. 
 
 " Yes, old man, for goodness' sake let me get in first, 
 else if you plump down in the stern with no one else in 
 for ballast, you'll make the boat turn a somersault over 
 your head. A good pull every day will shrink some of 
 that twenty stone of yours, and you will go home again 
 like a dandy lif eguardsman, eh ? " 
 
 Away they went, Burley warbling that old sea song, 
 "The Blackbird," till Ludham Bridge, that "eye 
 of a needle," so abhorred of yachtsmen, came in sight. 
 
52 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " If I were a blackbird I'd whistle, I'd sing, 
 I'd follow the ship that my true love sail in ; 
 And in the top rigging I'd there build my nest, 
 And lie with my head on her lily-white breast." 
 
 " By Jove, Linear, you must pull your best now," said 
 Burley, as he ceased warbling, " there is quite a party 
 of young ladies watching you from the bridge, and among 
 them the vicar's daughter and the squire's two nieces. 
 Now then, away you go ; nice long clean strokes, ,and 
 plenty of back in it." 
 
 Linear, who is strong as a mule, and a very fair oars- 
 man, made the little boat shoot along at racing speed 
 without indicating outwardly the amount of muscle he 
 was putting into it. 
 
 " That's it, keep up that stroke, and I'll put you 
 through that confounded arch as clean as a whistle," 
 said Burley in a whisper. " That's prime ! that's '* 
 
 Crash ! 
 
 The oars flew out of Linear's hands, and the hero was 
 suddenly deposited in the bottom of the boat with great 
 emphasis, while Burley, with great celerity, and without 
 even saying good-bye, turned a somersault over the stern. 
 Plump ! 
 
 The ladies meantime fell into convulsions of laughter, 
 especially when they saw Burley strike out for the bank 
 blowing like an apoplectic grampus. 
 
 What had happened? Had the boat been struck by 
 hghtning ? No, they had simply forgotten to unstep the 
 mast. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 53 
 Verily, Pride goeth before a Fall. 
 A Fall m Grain, 
 
 Boating adventures might be multiplied ad infinitum^ 
 but one that occurred at Dilham Bridge might have been 
 attended with fatal results had the boat been moored a 
 yard nearer the arcL 
 
 Two gentlemen, strangers to the district, had moored 
 their boat close to the bridge so that they might the 
 better fish under its arch where the water was deeper, 
 and the shadow of the bridge serve to make themselves 
 a little less conspicuous. 
 
 As they sat quietly plying their rods and chatting in 
 low voices, their boat was suddenly capsized by having 
 its side burst out with a loud crash, and themselves 
 and impedimenta thrown into the violently agitated 
 water. 
 
 What could have occasioned such a sudden shock? 
 One might guess many times without getting even near 
 the answer. 
 
 Near the bridge runs the single line railway between 
 Horning and Stalham stations, and a passing engine 
 gave a sudden piercing whistle that so frightened the 
 horse attached to a tumbril of corn being drawn over 
 the bridge, that the animal backed violently against 
 the side of the bridge, sending one of the sacks of corn 
 completely over the parapet. This fell plump between 
 the two anglers, who fortunately were at opposite 
 
54 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 ends of the boat, and striking the gunwale, sent boat 
 and anglers to the bottom. 
 
 The moral to be drawn from this anecdote is that a 
 fall in corn is not always a blessing to all men, and that 
 anglers should avoid bridges for fear of "getting the sack." 
 
 Kamptulicon Pudding. 
 
 What yachtsman on Norfolk waters does not know 
 the grassy, undulating meadow flanked by the ancient 
 gateway of the Abbey, with an eighteenth century wind- 
 mill tower thrust through it, like the arrow thrust through 
 a heart we were wont to see on valentines when we 
 were little boys ? 
 
 Of course everyone knows it. 
 
 But -Weedy did not, for it was his first voyage, and 
 therefore he was the more impressed with it ; and being 
 of an impressionable nature (and also of an inordinate 
 appetite), what wonder is there that he should so absorb 
 Linear s descriptions of the Abbey's palmy days as to 
 dream what Bturley and Stuggy called a lot of " Tommy 
 rot?" 
 
 The dinner on the memorable occasion was very late, 
 and consisted of baked loin of pork as the piece de 
 resistance, and a wonderful pudding which Chuckle had 
 concocted. He called it baked suet pudding. What the 
 eaters called it does not matter, but from that day they 
 never set eyes on a strip of kamptulicon which had 
 previously filled a corner of the cabin floor; anyway, 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRLISE, 55 
 
 suffice it to say that Weedy, by reason of the heat and 
 the indigestible viands, could not sleep. 
 
 Being of a romantic turn of mind he quietly left the 
 cabin and wandered, with a rug and pillow over his arm, 
 into the Abbey grounds. Here he would lie him down, 
 and if he could not sleep he could think, and perchance 
 dream of the past in a night reverie. 
 
 He found a nice corner in a quoin of the wall of the 
 decayed fane, and noticing a stack of hurdles and some 
 fodder, made himself a comfortable couch, pillowed his 
 head, and covered himself cosily with his rug. Then 
 he thought and thought and meditated, and at last 
 dreamed, or says he did — it is all the same. Let him 
 lie for himself in his own words. 
 
 A ROMANCE OF ST. BENET'S ABBEY. 
 
 FYTTE YE FIRST. 
 
 " It was a hot day, and I had tramped the flat, dusty 
 Broadland roads for ten weary hours, when I came in 
 sight of a lofty, spire-crowned tower amid several other 
 buildings, enclosed by a massive and lofty wall of 
 masonry, flanked by a fine Gothic gateway, sculptured 
 and enriched with deeply chisselled coats of arms. 
 
 " I knew it intuitively to be St Benet's Abbey, and 
 glancing dubiously at my modem tourist suit and leather 
 boots, wondered if the good monks would give me a 
 night's lodging. I knew of their hospitality, but some- 
 how in my weariness I appeared to realise that dates in 
 
56 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 my mind had become much mixed, I had apparently 
 retrograded several centuries — ^had stridden back, in 
 fact, to mediasval times. 
 
 " Anyhow, I was tired and lost, and miles from any 
 inn, so with a bold front I approached the great oaken 
 gate and looked for the bell — but bell there was none ; 
 a heavy iron cross suspended by staples clasping the 
 rounded ends of the arms seemed to indicate its use as 
 a knocker, and raising the foot of the cross I brought 
 it down smartly several times upon an iron striking 
 plate, the result being several reverberating and loud 
 echoes from the vaulted inner-arched gateway. 
 
 " An oak panel was withdrawn from behind an iron 
 grille, and its place taken by a rather dirty fat face, set 
 with beady dark eyes. The face opened and a voice 
 asked : ' Good traveller, why in such haste ? Know ye 
 not that this be the hour of vespers ? What wantest 
 thou?' 
 
 " I was somewhat nonplussed, and would have replied, 
 ' A chop or steak, mashed and roll, and a pint of bitter/ 
 but my reception confirmed my idea of anno domini, and 
 I was now convinced that I had slidden back to the 
 fifteenth century, and had brought a nineteenth century 
 vocabulary and outfit with me that I must make the best 
 of, so I replied : 
 
 " ' Good sir, I would fain with your leave rest here for 
 the night, and perhaps you could set me up with a bit 
 of supper ? ' 
 
 **The massive oaken door swung on its hinges, and I was 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 57 
 
 admitted to the full-length gaze of the astonished porter, 
 who had apparently never before seen a fellow in a 
 tweed suit, for he eyed me askance from top to toe, his 
 little beady eyes opening to an abnormal size with 
 astonishment. 
 
 " I was shown into a small vaulted room, which was 
 pleasantly cool after the sultriness of the day, and sat 
 down on a long oak bench and wondered what would be 
 the next move. 
 
 " The porter, who had now been reinforced by half 
 a dozen grubby-looking, barefooted, shaven-headed 
 monks, pointed to my feet, and kindly asked : 
 
 " ' Will the weary pilgrim remove his foot coverings, 
 and don this pair of ,sandal shoon ? It is the rule of our 
 Order that tired pilgrims should be so comforted after 
 a needful washing of their weary feet. Alack ! an' I have 
 not better ! ' he apologized, as I took the curious rush- 
 made affairs from his fat hands. 
 
 " I bathed my tootsies as desired, grateful for the 
 attention, and then noticed that my half-guinea balmorals 
 and my socks were being handed round for inspection 
 amid suppressed laughter. 
 
 "'Bless the sandals, how do they go?' I exclaimed 
 sotto voce, as I failed to make them stick to my feet 
 
 " Peter, the porter, noticed my embarrassment, and 
 kindly adjusted the straps round my ankles and over my 
 instep, as I whispered in his ear : 
 
 " ' Give my boots a bit of a polish in the morning, old 
 chap, and I'll give you the usual when I leave.* 
 
58 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " Peter was amazed, and I had difficulty in explaining 
 my meaning, as he did not appear to have any blacking 
 on the premises. 
 
 " I was getting embarrassed again, and to get away 
 from the constantly increasing throng of monks, who 
 trooped in to see the stranger now that vespers were 
 ended, I asked Peter if there was any objection to my 
 having a smoke. 
 
 "Peter did not comprehend my meaning, and in his 
 turn, becoming embarrassed, called on the jmonks to aid 
 in expounding my meaning. But they too failed to 
 enlighten him. 
 
 " Then to make my request clear I produced my pouch, 
 pipe, and vesta case, but the sight of these -curiosities 
 only led to more complications ; they had never seen 
 such things, and failed to see for what purpose I carried 
 them. 
 
 " Failing in my explanation I next proceeded to 
 demonstrate their use. I loaded my briar-root and 
 struck a fusee, when to my amazement the whole shoot 
 of monks fled from my presence, as if I had been 
 Apoltyon himself dropped in among them. They evi- 
 dently took me for some demon from the nether regions, 
 and while one ran to tell the Abbot, another stood just 
 outside the doorway and rattled out voluble sentences in 
 Latin, which I took to be some form of exorcism, and 
 probably it was. 
 
 " I was naturally now upset, and looked out of the 
 little leaded casement for my good friend Peter, but 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 59 
 
 that burly worthy was the centre of a group of monks 
 who stood near the middle of the Cloister Garth. 
 
 " I opened the rattling casement and beckoned him 
 to approach, but he only shook his head. 
 
 " There was only one other way to secure the kind 
 offices of the porter ; if Peter would not come to me, I 
 must go to Peter. 
 
 " Out I strode accordingly, pipe in mouth, but as I 
 advanced the monks fled in all directions, and hid them- 
 selves in Vcirious parts of the cloisters, so as to be un- 
 seen while they kept a wary eye on me. What was 
 amiss ? 
 
 " I sat down on a bench by the stone sun-dial and 
 awaited the development of events. 
 
 " I had not long to wait, for presently, amid a crowd 
 of monks came the Abbot himself, preceded by another 
 posse of ecclesiastics armed with quarter-staves and ropes. 
 
 " The Abbot approached, and I, alarmed at the turn 
 things had taken, arose, and, placing ,my pipe on the 
 sun-dial, made him a stately bow. 
 
 " Good ; that soothed the tonsured crowd somewhat, 
 so that the Abbot came quite close to me, and uttered 
 sundry high sounding Latin phrases, which were meant 
 either for blessings or curses, or possibly were some 
 form of exorcising evil spirits, for he finished up by 
 pointing to my pipe. 
 
 " I took it up and handed it to him, but he recoiled 
 with horror. 
 
 " Then I threw it upon the ground and trod it, 
 
6d the innocents ON THE BROADS. 
 
 smoking, into the turf, apologizing as well as I was able 
 for smoking within the Monastery walls. 
 
 " He appeared to understand somewhat of my mean- 
 ing, for he spoke to a brother, who stepped forward with 
 a pair of tongs (he was evidently a monk who wrought 
 in ironwork) and seized my pipe, bearing it away to his 
 forge at arm's-length. My pouch and fusee-box followed 
 suit 
 
 " A few minutes' conversation with the Abbot quite 
 disabused his mind of my having any dealings with the 
 Old One, and we shook hands before the whole 
 assembly. 
 
 " I soon found myself seated in the Refectory, at the 
 right hand of the Abbot, while the lower and larger 
 tables were occupied by the monks. All were silent as 
 they consumed their poor fare, except one or two 
 privileged ones who sat at the Abbot's table. 
 
 " Under one of the lofty, pointed windows sat an old 
 monk, who, perched upon a high stool, read aloud from a 
 big black letter book chained to a tall desk in front of 
 him. He had lost several teeth, so mumbled his sen- 
 tences very much, but his incoherence mattered little, 
 nobody attended to him, for all eyes were turned 
 covertly on me. 
 
 " I suppose it must have been a fast day, for the 
 fare seemed to me very untoothsome and unsatisfactory. 
 Every monk had a wooden bowl of parched peas, a 
 lettuce, and a hunk of black rye bread, while to wash 
 this dry fare down, big leathern bottles or jacks of water 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 6i 
 
 were handed round, from which each man drank to 
 soften his peas, and to help down the sawdust-hke bread. 
 
 " Seeing" that I proceeded but slowly with my parched 
 peas, the Abbot whispered me to save my appetite, and 
 spare my teeth, as I should dine with him anon. 
 
 " The Abbot and I got on famously after a while, and 
 conversed on many topics in a low tone, until the Abbey 
 clock struck the hour, when I unconsciously took out my 
 watch to see if London time synchronized with that of 
 Norfolk. The Abbot begged to look at the ' little clock/ 
 as he called it, and marvelled when he placed it to his- 
 ear and heard it tick ; he sat minute after minute with 
 my watch in his hand, observing .the second hand per- 
 form its short journey. 
 
 " ' Gramercy ! ' he cried, regardless of the wonted 
 silence of the Refectory, ' never did mine eyes Hght 
 upon such a miracle. I' faith it is a clock in a nutshell.' 
 
 " As it was only a half-guinea machine-made ticker 
 I begged the worthy father to keep it as a memento of 
 my visit. 
 
 " He hesitated at first, but presently accepted it, much 
 to my satisfaction. 
 
 " Grace was now sung in tones that rumbled away in 
 solemn echoes among the high pitched oaken beams and 
 rafters, and I was requested to follow the Abbot to his 
 own private sanctum. 
 
 " The bare stone walls of the Refectory were changed 
 for the tapestried chamber of the Abbot, and everything 
 in the cosy apartment was more in keeping with the- 
 
62 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 snuggery of a noble of the time, than a supposedly 
 ascetic churchman. Yet I could not grumble, and at the 
 bidding of the Abbot sat down on a quaint black oak 
 chair covered with otter-skins, those animals being doubt- 
 less very numerous in the district at that period. Every- 
 thing in the apartment was of the very best quality, even 
 to the fair white cloth with which the table was covered. 
 
 " Goodly platters of silver ware graced the board, and 
 even the beakers and salt cellars were of that precious 
 metal. 
 
 " A smile of satisfaction lighted the churchman's face 
 as he glanced over the table and signed to me to draw 
 up my chair, which I gladly did, as it was now nearly 
 twelve hours since I broke my fast, except for a handful 
 of those dreadful hard peas in the Refectory. 
 
 " ' Fall to, my friend, and fare well, for although this 
 be an unusual fast day with us, I must needs take a 
 something for my poor stomach's sake.' 
 
 " I glanced at the poor part of his anatomy. Four 
 good feet round if he was an inch. 
 
 " ' By your kind leave, father, I will indeed fall to, for 
 I am famished.' 
 
 "And I did eat. 
 
 " Perch there were, and fine tench too, and eels fried 
 and stewed, all from the Monastery fish-ponds. Eggs 
 also and furmety were there, and as the good man said, 
 a fine fat capon for my benefit, but I noticed that after 
 he had served me he mortified himself with a liberal 
 slice of the breast, to say nothing of the parson's nose 
 
THE INNOCENTS SUMMER CRUISE. 63 
 
 and the liver wing. Then there was a noble warden pie, 
 to which I paid my compliments ; also to many other 
 little delicacies with which the table was laden. 
 
 " We commenced the liquid portion of our refection 
 with copious libations of strong ale, brewed during the 
 previous autumn, and now getting decidedly nappy with 
 keeping. This * hogwash,' however, the Benedictine 
 soon forsook, pouring himself out a mighty flagon of 
 sack, which I noticed he mixed with some old and strong 
 mead, made by one of the community some years before. 
 It was rare Old Stingo ! 
 
 " Getting talkative over our meal we compared notes, 
 and astonished one another by the many curious things 
 each told the other. My nineteenth century yarns 
 tickled the prelate, and his were equally well received 
 by his guest, especially as his stories were couched in 
 such quaint language as to give great point and 
 piquancy to his jests. 
 
 " Many of his words and ideas, his sporting terms, and 
 names of various articles, were quite beyond me ; much 
 of his chatter being obsolete to my modern ears. 
 
 " What my conversation to him must have been I can- 
 not surmise, but I endeavoured as much as possible to 
 omit all m.ention of modern invention, such as post offices, 
 trams and buses, trains and steamships, and kept mostly 
 to sporting items, of which he appeared to be very 
 fond. 
 
 " From chatting we commenced to what he termed 
 ' tune our lay.' The Abbot had a voice like a bull, and 
 
64 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 turn for turn, gave me many quaint ditties in exchange 
 for those I happened to know. 
 
 " He sang ' A lyttel gyste of Robyn Hode/ and I gave 
 him ' Hearts of Oak/ in the chorus of which he laughed 
 till the tears streamed down his great cheeks. Then he 
 sang ' The Romaunt of Isoline/ a love ditty, during which 
 he accompanied himself on a curious stringed instrument, 
 somewhat like a guitar, strumming it lustily the while. 
 My turn came next, and I warbled ' Sally in our Allej-' 
 in my most dulcet tones, the Abbot playing a vamping 
 accompaniment on his instrument. 
 
 " I noticed that at the end of each song a copious 
 Hbation was indulged in by the priest, and I wondered 
 how he could contain such a vast quajntity of sack and 
 canary. Redder and redder grew his face as he trolled 
 in hiccoughing tones the ' Ballarde of Marian Myne,* 
 and as I helped him sing the last chorus, 
 
 " ' Adowne, adowne, my merry mayd, 
 Adowne, adowne, my deary, oh ! ' 
 
 he quietly slipped from his seat to the floor, where he 
 snored loudly." 
 
 FYTTE YE SECOND. 
 
 " I gazed at his rotund form and noted his stertorous 
 breathing, which both suggested to me the one word 
 — apoplexy. I raised his head therefore, placing a rush 
 hassock under it, and then looked for another to make 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 65 
 
 his headrest wider, for he had a mightly cranium which 
 required much support. 
 
 " As I peered beneath the table, what was my surprise 
 to see a pair of dainty httle tapestry embroidered 
 shppers ! 
 
 " ' Ho, ho ! ' I murmured, as I drew them forth and 
 glanced at the Abbot's great fat pedal arrangements, 
 shod with sandals of bull-hide, and bound round his 
 feet with neatly cut and ornamented leathern straps. 
 * Ho, ho ! what mystery is here. Never since the days 
 of childhood have your feet entered a pair of shoes 
 such as these,' I surmised, and was going to add more to 
 the disparagement of the ecclesiastic's tootsies, when the 
 door of the chamber opened with a little squeak, and in 
 glided the dainty but plump figure of a female richly 
 dressed, and in a style becoming her years, which could 
 not amount to more than twenty, if as many. 
 
 " I was spellbound at the apparition, which came half 
 across the chamber, its finger upon its lips as a sign to 
 me not to break silence. 
 
 " I pointed to the recumbent figure, and to my eyes, to 
 signify that the Abbot slumbered, and caught the words 
 from my fair visitor's lips : 
 
 " * Thank heaven and our ladye for it.' 
 
 " She was flesh and blood at all events ; I was glad 
 of that, for some of these mediaeval apparitions per- 
 form nasty little tricks upon those who seek to lay 
 them. 
 
 " She beckoned me, and I tripped out on tip-toe, 
 
 E 
 
66 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 following her along a gloomy passage to a little anteroom 
 or study built over a small square tower. 
 
 " Here she paused, and closing the door, lighted a little 
 lamp, and straightway flopped down at my feet in a 
 truly dramatic style. 
 
 " ' My preserver,' she began, ' for although thou hast 
 donned the garb of a mummer, yet can these weary eyes 
 of mine pierce thy disguise, and discover the true heart 
 of chivalry hidden beneath thy mummer's garment. Fly 
 with me, my own sweet knight, ere the morning's sun 
 doth gild the sky, and I will be thine own true marrow 
 for weal or woe.' 
 
 " ' Madam,' I began, * you certainly have the advantage 
 of me, I am no true knight, simply an humble tourist, 
 don't cher know, who seeks a quiet night's lodging in 
 this — this hostel.' I nearly said hotel, but fortunately 
 remembered the date in time. Then I continued : 
 
 " ' May I inquire, miss, without giving offence, who you 
 are, and why you are here in a place taboo to the female 
 sex? ' 
 
 " ' Alas, kind knight,' she replied, as I gently raised her 
 from the rush-strewn floor and placed her on a cushioned 
 seat in the window, ' I am a prisoner here, detained by 
 that ponderous prelate the Abbot much against my will, 
 and probably for my eventual dishonour, for the Abbot 
 when in his cups doth persecute me sorely.' 
 
 " ' Yes, yes,' I interrupted, ' but now I remember that 
 at supper the old boy spoke of his pretty httle niece. 
 Are you she ? ' 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 67 
 
 " * Nay, fair sir ! He calls me his niece truly, but i' faith 
 I am no kin nor kith of his, though he would have men 
 so suppose. My father, whose castle lies at Caister, near 
 the little fishing village y'clept Yaremouthe, is away in 
 fair Aquitaine doing his devoir under the banner of our 
 good lord the King.' 
 
 " ' By Jove ! But how, being no relative of the Abbot's, 
 do you come here, fair ladye?' I again interrupted, 
 dropping the modern miss ; * is it against your will that 
 you are thus held in bondage? If so, I will certainly 
 do my best to ' 
 
 " ' Hush ! someone approajches, this is the Abbot's 
 private penance room in which I perform my devotions. 
 Ee silent, prythee.' 
 
 " A gentle tap upon the door sent a thrill through my 
 whole tweed-clad frame. 
 
 " * Yes, good Antony ! I pray thee let me but linger 
 one more glass here, and I will promise thee to retire to 
 my bed-chamber/ said my fair companion without 
 opening the door. 
 
 " ' Nay, lady,' came the reply, * thou knowest the 
 Abbot's command. Midnight should see thee in thy 
 chamber ; an if I see not the Abbot's orders carried out 
 he will somewhat rudely chide me, mayhap with his 
 stinging flagellum, and after that the tormenting shirt 
 of hair.' 
 
 Prythee, one more little glass, good Antony, and I 
 will obey thee. But ten brief minutes the sand shall run 
 and I will retire.' 
 
68 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " ' Ah, well ! ' came from the other side of the half open 
 door, ' I ever had a softer heart than a hand or I should 
 not be here. Curse the luck that brought a kinsman's 
 blood upon my hand and a razor to my crown, say I. 
 Be it as you wish, lady, but not another grain of sand 
 must pass the glass's narrowing, mark me.' 
 
 " Then the shuffling sound of sandalled feet grew 
 gradually less along the corridor and presently 
 ceased, 
 
 " I looked at my fair friend for an explanation. 
 Antony, good stalwart Antony, is my custodian, 
 ■and refers with regret to the time, when having killed 
 his nephew in a quarrel, he fled here for sanctuary and 
 doaned the cassock. By our ladye he is a very proper 
 man.' 
 
 " ' But, madam ' — I dropped unconsciously into the 
 modern Frenchified style again, ' tell me more concerning 
 yourself, for I feel deucedly interested, don't cher know ! 
 
 How can I serve you, miss, eh ? ' I paused for her 
 
 name to be added. 
 
 " ' Ursula,' she interjected. 
 
 " ' How can I help you, sweet Ursula, to escape from 
 this dragon's lair ? ' 
 
 " ' He is indeed a monstrous dragon, and thou wilt be 
 my good patron, Saint George, wilt thou not?' she 
 eagerly asked, placing her hand upon my arm as she 
 continued : ' The dragon is old, and gross, and drunken 
 each night with sack and canary, malvoisie, and even 
 metheglin, of which he is right fond, whilst thou, my 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 69 
 
 own sweet knight, art young and fair, and lusty in thy 
 strength as a warrior's war-horse/ 
 
 " These remarks, uttered with eyes upturned to mine 
 and with warm moist hand laid upon my trembling palm, 
 pierced right through my tweed, and hit me fair and 
 square in the very core of my heart. In modern 
 parlance, I was a gorner. I surrended to her first 
 broadside — and was in ecstasies. This was indeed 
 something worth dropping back into the Middle Ages 
 for! 
 
 But see,' said the fair maid of Caister, ' the sand 
 runs low, I must away to my bed-chamber,' and she 
 sighed and looked at me in embarrassment; she evi- 
 dently wished to continue our tete-a-tete^ but was fearful 
 of Antony's return. 
 
 " ' Fair Ursula ! ' I exclaimed, trembling for fear I 
 might never set eyes on her more, * when shall I see thee 
 again? How can we arrange for your escape?' 
 
 " ' Oh, vile atoms of sand within sand ' (I seized the 
 sand-glass with the intention of smashing it upon the 
 stone floor as I spoke, but reflected), * if your destruction 
 would stop Time's flight but for two brief minutes I 
 would powder you into the minutest atoms.' 
 
 " * Hush ! ' exclaimed Ursula, ' use no violence to my 
 little vade mecum ! I have a plan. Can you climb ? ' 
 
 " * Like a squirrel, my angel.' 
 
 " * Then hie thee an hour hence to my casement and 
 climb to my window, the ivy is strong, and thou art 
 but lightly furnibhed with flesh. See, yonder is my 
 
70 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 bower; across the green-sward, there, where my taper 
 gives but a dim relief to the darkness of my chamber. 
 
 Farewell till then.' 
 
 " She was about to fly, but thought I, ' a bird in the 
 hand is worth two in the bush,' and catching her in my 
 arms I planted a sterling nineteenth century kiss on her 
 mediaeval lips." 
 
 FYTTE YE THYRDE. 
 
 " For nearly an hour I wandered round and round, 
 up and down the draughty cloisters, in fact, till the 
 great bell boomed out at midnight ; then all appearing 
 quiet I ventured beneath the Lady Ursula's casement 
 to keep my tryst. 
 
 "It was drizzling with rain, but that mattered but 
 little to a man so ardently eager as I to carry out a love 
 adventure. As I looked up at the half open casement 
 a little white hand peeped out in the dim light, and 
 waved gently as if to encourage me in my somewhat 
 perilous enterprise — for a climb upwards of twenty feet 
 upon untrustworthy ivy has its dangers. 
 
 " Everything was miserably wet, and I found I was not 
 quite up to squirrel form in climbing. I made fair prog- 
 ress half way up, and then coming to a blank space 
 where the ivy had not taken kindly to the rough 
 masonry, I had much difficulty in proceeding. 
 
 " Sometimes my foothold gave way, when I would hang 
 on desperately with my hands, while my body dangled 
 down like that of a man being executed, only that my feet 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 71 
 
 being free I kicked about violently to find a fresh foot- 
 hold. 
 
 " Suffice it to say that after a violent struggle I arrived 
 at the casement, Lady Ursula gave me a kindly hoist 
 by the nape of my neck when I came within arm's-length 
 of her. I puffed and panted like a hunter after a ten- 
 mile spin, and was besides in a reeking perspiration, 
 and to make matters worse I found there was no 
 flat window-sill to sit upon — nothing but a sloping 
 stone. 
 
 " And — the window was guarded from ingress by a 
 horrid thick iron bar up the centre. 
 
 " I have seen pictures of lovers climbing to their lady's 
 bower, and very comfortable they look, but I think I 
 might claim as a title to the picture I cut — ' Love in 
 Purgatory ' — and damped with a gentle falling rain at 
 that. 
 
 " ' By jingo, Ursula ! that's hard work and no mistake,' 
 I panted. 
 
 " ' Zooks ! An' I never heard gallant say that before,' 
 she whispered in a surprised tone, checking herself 
 suddenly, as she became aware that she might be giving 
 herself away. 
 
 " The square iron bar cut my fingers so much that 1 
 had to ask pardon for removing my hand and placing it 
 round my fair one's waist. She readily consented, and 
 I was happy, only that confounded stone edge cut into 
 my hip so badly that Purgatory ever kept beside my 
 Paradise. 
 
72 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 " We held a plan of campaign. It was a curious com- 
 pound of Love and War. 
 
 " I avowed my love : she would put it to the test. I 
 would go through fire and water for her: she said I 
 must go through the lists. 
 
 " I said I would face a lion in his lair for her sake. 
 
 " She, that I must face her captor in his Abbey. 
 
 " Her idea worked out in this way. 
 
 " I must challenge the bold Abbot to mortal combat, 
 but as his cloth would forbid him fighting personally, 
 he would appoint a champion to meet me, so that there 
 would be not the least difificulty in the way. 
 
 "'What should we fight with?' I innocently asked. 
 
 " ' Oh ! with the arms of knighthood — the lance and 
 the sword — and possibly the little misencorde might be 
 used,' she warbled in my ear, to which I replied but 
 simply : 
 
 " ' Oh yes, certainly.* 
 
 " But I thought a lot. 
 
 " Then fair Ursula went more minutely into details, 
 till I sat not literally on stone, but figuratively on. 
 thorns ; so much so, that I shuddered aJU over, more 
 especially in the region of the lumber vertebrae. 
 
 " Cold steel somehow seemed to clash harshly with the 
 warm love I cherished in my bosom before my climb up 
 the ivy. 
 
 " The talk of steel and steeds, and lists and lances, 
 presently gave place to a more amorous turn in the 
 conversation, and I was getting on famously. My back- 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 73 
 
 bone shuddering had vanished, and my heart beat once 
 more in the light of my lady's eyes, when suddenly from 
 the corner of the cloisters a burly monk emerged with 
 a lighted lantern in his left hand, and some long lissom 
 object in his right ; what it was I could not in the dim 
 light discern, but it did not glitter like steel, a fact I 
 mentally noted with relief. 
 
 " A scream from Ursula caused me to turn my eyes to 
 her, and in doing so I distinctly saw the door of her 
 bower open, and the portly form of the Abbot enter, his 
 e}'es blazing with fury. 
 
 " He rushed at the shrinking girl and dragged her 
 from my grasp, causing me nearly to be precipitated to 
 the ground twenty feet below. His look was terrible ; 
 his bloodshot eyes burning with a malignancy I have 
 never seen equalled. He appalled me. 
 
 " Had I wished to fly to the lady's succour that cursed 
 iron bar would have prevented me, beside which, that 
 stalwart monk with his lantern was standing beneath 
 me, requesting me to descend with as much celerity as 
 I could command, otherwise he would come up and hurl 
 me down. He also said something about my weazand 
 and a goodly blade, but I must confess I was too nervous 
 to understand quite all he did say. 
 
 " At last with much clutching and clawing I succeeded 
 in getting within six feet of the ground, where my waist- 
 coat caught in a strong spur of the ivy and left me 
 dangling helplessly. It was then that I discovered that 
 the wand in the strong hand of the monk was made of 
 
74" THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 leather. In the parlance of the period ' I roared me right 
 lustily,' for the strap was applied without stint. 
 
 "The rest consists of a damp, slimy cell, coarse 
 bread and water." 
 
 FYTTE YE FODRTHE. 
 
 " I escaped ; not up the chimney, for such a con- 
 venience was not to be found in my cell, and laid the 
 case of the Lady Ursula before a stout old knight in 
 Norwich, who gladly did all that was necessary to bring 
 about a meeting between myself and the Abbot's 
 champion. 
 
 "I have a very hazy remembrance of practising for 
 the joust by running tilts at a sack of sawdust strapped 
 upright upon a horse's back, and I frequently made the 
 sawdust fly in all directions, much \.o my pleasure. With 
 the sword also I practised at a faggot of wood sus- 
 pended by a rope from a baulk in a barn. With this, 
 too, I made great havoc, causing twigs and chips to- 
 hurtle through the air in quick succession, though I 
 must say my hand was very much jarred and blistered 
 with my martial exercises. 
 
 " At last came the day of trial by battle. 
 
 " I had read of what took place in these passages of 
 
TRE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 75 
 
 arms, for I am an ardent admirer of Sir Walter Scott 
 and his exciting and enchanting novels. 
 
 " I peeped from my tent. There were the lists pre- 
 pared, there was a kind of double-decked marquee filled 
 with ladies and gallants all in rich costumes, and in the 
 case of the ladies much lacc-work and muslin veils, the 
 latter being built above the heads of the fair wearers in 
 butterfly structures fearful to behold. 
 
 " Great crowds of artizans, bowmen, and rag-tag and 
 bobtail quite surrounded the lists, just as Scott gives it ; 
 he was right, I can give you my word for it. 
 
 " I also noticed heralds and pages, and many others 
 standing in groups, or walking quietly over the green- 
 sward ; and best of all I saw the Lady Ursula — sitting 
 pale and statue-like in the gallery of the marquee — 
 her eyes rivetted on my tent at the end of the lists. 
 
 " There came anon a couple of attendants to gird on 
 my armour, and in this I was very interested, watching 
 their procedure in building me up, or rather surrounding 
 me in a wall of steel. 
 
 " First my feet were covered with the solerets, which 
 were about eighteen inches long, diminishing gradually 
 till they ended in a steel point. I remember thinking 
 what handy things they would be in a street row, or for 
 a father interviewing an objectionable suitor for his 
 daughter's hand. 
 
 "The greaves were then fitted and strapped, and the 
 thigh pieces added, and the curiously ornamjented greno- 
 nilles, or knee-caps, placed in position ; and so on, 
 
76 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 gradually from waist to neck, I was built up and cum- 
 bered with weight until I could scarcely walk. 
 
 " I felt shaky and dubious, and would have given ten 
 shillings for a good deep draught of ' bitter,' or ' stout 
 and bitter/ but such a draught was not obtain- 
 able. 
 
 " ' By George,' I thought to myself, ' how the dickens 
 am I to mount my charger? This iron business is over- 
 done ; another ten pounds added and I shall not be 
 able even to waddle along.' 
 
 " Outside I could hear the shouts of the people, and 
 was wondering what would be the end of me, when one 
 of the attendants placed a circular pad on my head, 
 which put an end to my meditations — it was to take off 
 the weight and chafing of the great tilting heaume. 
 
 " Great Scott ! this was the last straw to break the 
 camel's back. It added a stone to my weight, and 
 seemed as if it would slowly smother me. 
 
 " I heard the voices of the attendants standing close 
 to me sound as if they were afar off, while my own very 
 ordinary voice rolled around the mighty casque in 
 muffled thunder. The feeling was dreadful, and I 
 wished again and again that I were back into my proper 
 century. I would give anything to be back in dear old 
 nineteenth-century London again, with its noisy streets 
 and tram-cars, factory chimneys, snorting trains, and 
 countless miles of telegraph wires — I would gladly give 
 up the love of fair Ursula, if this might be, but alas! 
 I was a fifteenth-century knight, and must do my duty. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 77 
 
 Had I the choice I would rather have been a full private 
 in the militia. 
 
 " They led me out in the steel suit which covered my 
 humble tweed, out into the open air — one step at a time, 
 and with a waddhng motion that seemed to please the 
 crowd, who cheered till their throats were nigh splitting. 
 
 " Painfully I reached the three-stepped mounting block, 
 against which my steed was impatiently champing his bit, 
 and was assisted into the high-peaked saddle. Lor me ! 
 how the perspiration oozed from every pore of my body, 
 and trickled from my forehead, and ran down my nose 
 to the very tip, where it tickled fiendishly, and I could 
 not even scratch my nose with my mailed hand because 
 of the great tilting heaume upon my shoulders. 
 
 " My feelings were indescribable — even Scott with his 
 vast amount of knowledge does not attempt it. He puts 
 his knight on his good steed's back and gives him no 
 more feelings or nerves than would be possessed by an 
 automaton. 
 
 " Oh ! if I could only be an automaton knight ! Oh ! 
 for the heart and skill of an Ivanhoe or Coeur de Lion 
 for just half an hour, I'd show 
 
 "'Hallo! what's this? oh, thanks, the lance.' And a 
 great fifteen feet scaffold pole is placed in my hand — 
 a weapon weighing another stone at least. 
 
 Oh dear ! oh dear ! I'm sure I shall never do it,' I 
 murmur to myself, as a fresh torrent of perspiration 
 pours down my face and makes my eyes tingle so that I 
 can scarcely see. 
 
78 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 "'Pluck up! Pluck up for St. George and Merry 
 England ! ' I again murmur, just to give myself courage ;' 
 but in spite of my noble, bounding heart I shake like 
 a fan suffering from palsy, so much so, that I can hear 
 the edges of my armour rattling. 
 
 " ' Oh for a deep, deep draught of old Burton ! ' 
 
 " * Eh ! what did you say ? oh, get ready ? all right, old 
 man ; tell me when to start. Here, come closer,' I 
 mumble through the slit in my heaume, * I want to ask 
 you something.' 
 
 " * Are you there } ' 
 
 "'Yes, valiant knight, what askest thou?* says my 
 attendant. 
 
 " ' Where shall I hit him ? Where do I go for him ? ' 
 
 " ' The throat is difficult, but his tilting helm offers a 
 fair mark ; try that, but keep a firm seat, and good St. 
 George be your aid.' 
 
 " Now the heralds blew their trumpets, blaring away 
 like a steam organ in a roundabout, and shaking like 
 a leaf I manage to get my wobbHng lance in rest, just 
 as an old chap in a w^onderful get-up throws a police- 
 man's staff on the ground and squeaks out, ' AUez.' 
 
 " My charger, an old tilter, gives a bound forward that 
 nearly heaves me out of my great saddle, but I flop down 
 again, and lowering my head look through the slit in my 
 heaume to see how matters stand. 
 
 "Yes, here comes my adversary, a long way off 
 certainly, but growing bigger and bigger rapidly. 
 
 " As we approach, I notice something wobbling about 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 79 
 
 in the sunlight a Httle distance ahead of me, and am 
 astonished to find it is the point of my lance. I grip 
 the loom fiercely, clenching my teeth, and pointing it 
 in the direction of my adversary, gripping the saddle 
 between my knees, and touching my charger with my 
 spurs as I do so. I close my eyes and live half a century's 
 agony in five seconds. 
 
 " We met, evidently, for a blow on my cuirass nearly 
 unhorses me, but I hang on and pull up my horse at the 
 end of the hsts to hear the news of anything that may 
 have happened during the career. 
 
 " Loud shouts rend the air and cries of ' a' Benet ! ' 
 * a' Norwic ! ' are heard on every side, and 1 wonder what 
 it all means. Anyway I am alive, he has not killed me, 
 because I can feel I am still astride my horse, and can 
 feel his ribs heaving like a mighty pair of bellows after 
 his well run course. 
 
 " Then someone leads my horse away to a mounting 
 block, and my heaume is removed. 
 
 " Blessed, pure air, what a privilege to breathe you 
 once again. Yes, I am alive"! But how my head buzzes, 
 and my eyes look with indifference on the blurred 
 kaleidoscopic colours which I know is the moving throng 
 of people. 
 
 "A lanky man gives me a drink of acid wine from 
 a great black leathern bottle. I take a hearty draught, 
 a pint or so — and then another. 
 
 " ' What ho ! Richard is himself again ! ' I remark to 
 myself. Now I can distinguish individuals, and a warden 
 
So THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 compliments me on my skill, and I wonder what I have 
 done to merit his praise. 
 
 " I find I broke my lance, somehow, against my 
 opponent's helm, and nearly bore him backward from 
 his steed. It was indeed news to me, and I involun- 
 tarily turn my eyes upward to the lance still in my hand, 
 and sure enough about four feet of the far end are 
 missing. 
 
 "Joy! I begin to fancy myself as a warrior, and 
 raising a sickly smile, kiss my hand to my fair Ursula, 
 who sits in the gallery white as marble, and as mute. 
 
 " The old gentleman — the marshal they called him — 
 squeaks out something — something which in modern 
 days would be * Time, gentlemen ! ' and my iron pot is 
 again whelmed over my head and carefully fastened. 
 Then ithe trumpets sound, and again the marshal's 
 squeaky * AUez ' (go it), and off thunders my horse, down 
 goes my lance, and I aim for my opponent's chin, as this 
 time I mean to try for a * knock out.' 
 
 " Nearer and nearer we approach. Now for it. 
 
 *' Crash ! Wh-i-r-r-r ! ! Boomp ! ! ! 
 
 " I am settled this time. I am dead. 
 
 "I awoke and found the pile of sheep hurdles- lying 
 across my head and body. I was stunned for the 
 moment, and could not rise or remember where I was. 
 
 " I looked around for the crowds of people, and the 
 lists, and my opponent Antony, but all had vanished. 
 
TB.E INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 8i 
 
 and nothing but a gloomy undulating meadow, Abbey 
 ruins, and water were around me. 
 
 " Slowly my whereabouts dawned upon me. I was at 
 St. Benet's Abbey, and it was raining fast, and my rug 
 and pillow wet through. 
 
 "I returned stiff and gaping to the yacht." 
 
 " Well, old man/' remarked Burley, " if you dreamed 
 all that in an hour, you did well." 
 
 " He did indeed," chimed in Luiear, " quite enough 
 to give him brain-fever." 
 
 Of course Stuggy must say something, and he 
 did. 
 
 "Wliat a pity those hurdles fell on you, in another 
 hour you would have finished a three hundred page novel 
 a la Scott." 
 
 " Yes," came from one, " The Knight of Cockayne." 
 
 " Or," chimed in another, " Weedy the Wobbler, or 
 the Tinned-ribbed Warrior." 
 
 " Or, better still," said that idiot Linear, " Escaped 
 from Thorpe,* or the Delirious Dreamer." 
 
 And so they bantered poor Weedy, swearing that he 
 had had no dream at all, but that he had a weak spot 
 in his cranium, which had got damp through night air 
 and rain, and had made him a trifle delirious. 
 
 Weedy took it all in good part, challenging any 
 member to produce, sleeping or waking, a better con- 
 coction, on less than two pounds of raw pork, or in 
 
 * The county asylum. 
 
82 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 Burley's case two quarts of Old Tom (strong Norfolk 
 ale so-called). 
 
 Burley averred that he had a finer ^dream back in the 
 winter, and on being pressed related the following : 
 
 "Methinks," he began, mimicking Weedy, "I stood 
 alone in London, and methinks I had a vision that my 
 mother and sisters away in Lancashire were dreadfully 
 in want, in fact, starving. Remember now, my com- 
 rades all, 'tis nothing but a dream. So I put my purse in 
 my pocket, it appeared about as large as a decent 
 Gladstone bag, and my hat on my head, and off to the 
 North I went. 
 
 "I arrived there apparently by wire, for I did the 
 distance in about five seconds, and knocked at the door 
 of my parents' dwelling — no cab required, you see ; I 
 was simply shot from London to Lancashire by some 
 unseen power. 
 
 "Well, as I say, I knocked at the door, which very 
 kindly opened of its own accord, and walked to the 
 dining-room and entered. 
 
 " There sat my sisters round the table, feasting away 
 at a huge pie, which they appeared to be eating with 
 great relish. I noticed also that they had neither knives 
 nor forks, but were using their fingers a la Sioux 
 Indian. 
 
 " I said nothing, but sat down and passed the plate, 
 which was already laid for me, for a helping of pie, with 
 which my elder sister supplied me liberally. 
 
 "It was a curious pie both in outside ornamentation 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 83 
 
 and contents, and I noticed on my plate among other 
 tit-bits a human hand. 
 
 " Although not a practised gormand, I did not seem 
 to take unkindly to the delicacies before me, but taking 
 up the hand I began to gnaw away at it, and between 
 the bites I managed to ask : 
 
 "'Where's mother?' 
 
 " As I looked at my elder sister for a reply, gnawing 
 away meanwhile at the tender palm of the hand, she 
 coolly replied : 
 
 " ' Oh ! mother died yesterday, so we thought we had 
 better make her into a nice pie to save funeral expenses/ 
 
 "As she spoke the fingers and thumb clutched me 
 by the chin and jaws, making me scream with agony. 
 Like steel claws they fastened into my flesh, and 
 maddened me with pain as I vainly endeavoured to break 
 the embrace of the horrid human octopus. 
 
 " I yelled in my terror. 
 
 " I awoke by being roughly shaken and beaten, bathed 
 in perspiration. I had alarmed the whole household by 
 my violent screams." 
 
 " There," said Linear, " that is something like a night- 
 mare, not too much of it, but savoury and thrilling 
 enough for an addition to Edgar Poe's book. But for 
 goodness' sake let us turn the subject, I begin to feel 
 creepy." 
 
 All agreed that they had had sufficient, but as a 
 
84 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 matter of course everyone added more dreams and night- 
 mares, and they being exhausted, the conversation turned 
 to ghosts and spirits, till Chuckle, who sat in his bunk 
 in the peak with his head thrust through the serving 
 hatch, signified his intention of " gettin' asleep afore 
 twalve." Then, and then only, did the yams cease, and 
 berths being made up, Morpheus was wooed. 
 
 During the night Chuckle began to yelp and cry out 
 in his sleep, and twice had the hatch to be opened and 
 an india-rubber soled shoe to be freely used to awaken 
 hirTL 
 
 He murmured his thanks and was soon off again. 
 
 The Miller's Daughter. 
 
 The " Pillbox " was moored in the neighbourhood of 
 St. Benet's for a week — at different spots. — so that 
 Ranworth and Barton, and other fishing haunts could be 
 tried, and while lying near Ludham Bridge an oppor- 
 tunity occurred to test the courage of that redoubtable 
 hero Weedy, the mediaeval knight. 
 
 Weedy became enamoured of a neighbouring Sylph, 
 and it became known to his companions that he had 
 arranged to take her for a pull up the Ant in the 
 evening. 
 
 An intercepted note mentioned that she would await 
 him at eight o'clock on the river bank, a quarter of a mile 
 past the mill, which stands on the left some mile or so 
 beyond the bridge. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 85 
 
 The three conspirators watched poor Weedy's move- 
 ments, and that hero became very anxious to know what 
 they were going to do in the evening. Stuggy told him 
 they were going for a stroll to Ludham village to have a 
 chat with some of the farmers. Weedy's eyes glittered 
 at the intelligence, and he casually remarked that as he 
 did not feel up to the mark for a four-mile walk he 
 should potter about with the boat till the others returned. 
 
 " All right, old chap, please yourself. It's a free ship, 
 you know," said Burley ; and no more was said. 
 
 But something else was done. The trio concocted a 
 letter which was supposed to come from the maiden's 
 father, who was also supposed to be miller at the solitary 
 pumping mill past which Weedy had to row. The letter 
 was handed to Weedy by Chuckle, who told him a 
 " little nipper had gan it t' him for the gent wot wore 
 spetacles." 
 
 " Irstead MiU. 
 " Ser, 
 
 " I hare yu are goen to meat my gurl to nite. 
 He look arter yu with my ole gun. He giv yu a corter 
 pint of dust shott in yor britches if yu dar cum parst 
 my mil. 
 
 "Yors with a well loaden gun, 
 
 "Janes Farther." 
 
 The trio marked Weedy take the epistle into the 
 cabin, but they dare not watch him read it for fear of 
 
S6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 giving themselves away, nor would Weedy have read it 
 in their presence for worlds. 
 
 Half an hour afterwards Weedy had evidently read it, 
 for although he said nothing, he appeared very troubled 
 and pale, so much so that his companions commiserated 
 with him, and advised him to take a little cooling 
 medicine, which to get rid of them he promised to do. 
 
 Then those three conspirators went ashore and rolled 
 on the grass, wallowing about like three horses — ^just to 
 get rid of their pent-up mirth ; while poor Weedy, the 
 poet, sat mute in the cabin with the wicked document 
 in his pocket, and like Eugene Aram, " his mind was ill 
 ait ease." 
 
 During the afternoon Linear, who was the artist of 
 the party, took his oil colours down to the mill, and on 
 the black door facing the river, at a height of about five 
 feet from the ground, painted a life-sized face, as if it 
 were the miller looking out of a little wicket. He 
 admired his work and returned. 
 
 A little after seven o'clock the three friends set out 
 for their stroll — or apparently so ; but Lineaj: doubled 
 back along the river bank till he was opposite the mill, 
 for he 'had a plan. Being a Norfolker born he speaks 
 the native tongue well, and was going to use it to give 
 Weedy a fright. 
 
 The mill was on one side of the river and he on the 
 other, and he wished to get across, but had no boat. 
 Such a task to him was a very light one. 
 
 Out came his knife. A couple of bundles of reed 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 87 
 
 were cut down, self bound, and fastened together with 
 a couple of withes. 
 
 There was a nice little improvised raft. 
 
 Off came his clothes, which were placed on the reed 
 raft, which he pushed before him as he swam. The 
 opposite bank was regained, and the reeds and clothes 
 dragged ashore, .the former thrown into a " deek," and 
 the clothes donned, and all in ten minutes. 
 
 Linear hid behind the mill and awaited Weedy's 
 coming. 
 
 A little before eight — ^just in the crepuscular light, 
 he heard the sound of oars as they worked in the row- 
 locks, and presently the well-known white dinghy, with 
 Weedy in it, appeared round a bend. 
 
 Weedy came within a hundred yards of the mill and 
 paused, looking round intently as he rested on his oars. 
 Probably he saw the face painted on the mill door 
 faintly through his glasses, for he shifted uneasily on the 
 thwart, and working his left-hand scull edged over to 
 the other bank. 
 
 Then from the mill came a voice : 
 
 " I sey thare, yu young f aller ! air yew lookin' arter 
 my mawther? Blarm yar hide, ef yow don't tarn yar 
 boat roun' and get back hoam, I'll fill yar carcridge wi' 
 shot, so now yew know ! " 
 
 Weedy said nothing, but paddled quietly a few strokes 
 nearer, and again halted as the voice once more hailed 
 him. 
 
 " Take yu my adwice, my fine faller, and go yow 
 
88 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 hoam. I'ln rite in arnest, an* my ole gun's loaden half 
 ways up wi' shot, an' if yew come any nigher I'll plump 
 her off rite inter yar ribs ; so now yu know me ! " 
 
 Weedy hesitated, and then touched his sculls in the 
 water without going either forward or back. Again 
 came the voice : 
 
 " So yow 'ont take my advice, eh ? Well, here go 
 then, I'll fill yar hide as full o' shot as a koishon's full o' 
 pins." 
 
 This was too much for Weedy, who, losing his pres- 
 ence of mind, dropped liis sculls and scrambled ashore, 
 and ran off up the bank towards the " Pillbox " as hard 
 as his legs would carry him. 
 
 Oh, what a falling off was there ! Fancy a mediaeval 
 knight forsaking his " fair ladye " at the bidding of a 
 peasant miller! Shades of Ivanhoe! 
 
 When Burley and Stuggy returned (from nowhere in 
 particular at ten p.m.) they found Weedy in bed. He 
 told them he had had an attack of spasms, and had left 
 the boat somewhere up the river! 
 
 Spasms ! 
 
 They went on deck in the moonlight to laugh, the 
 cabin was not nearly big enough for their mirth. They 
 wanted to stamp and hug each other and throw them- 
 selves on the ground and roll. 
 
 And they did. 
 
 Spasms ! and the boat adrift somewhere. 
 
 About half-past ten Linear returned in the boat which 
 he had picked up. The rascal had actuall}^ met, wooed, 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 89 
 
 and taken Weedy's maiden for a moonlight pull ! And as 
 he said, with sparkhng eyes, " Old Weedy knows a good 
 bit of goods when he sees it. Boys! she's a regular 
 rustic ripper ! " 
 
 For several days Weedy's feelings were very much 
 upset, and any allusion to " an ole gun " or a " mawther " 
 was like holding a red rag to a bull. 
 
 He vowed he would be level with his tormentors before 
 the cruise was over, and he certainly did his best to turn 
 the tables on them, and with some degree of success. 
 
 A Wet Day Afloat. 
 
 A wet day is regarded by many persons as a very 
 unfortunate occurrence, they look upon the day as a 
 blank, but is it so? 
 
 Probably not ; especially if the party is upon a two 
 or three weeks' cruise, then frequently a wet day is a 
 relief and cessation from the usual routine of life on a 
 yacht. It gives a rest and lull to the whole party, and 
 brings out a deal of latent fun from the rain beleaguered 
 yachtsmen. 
 
 A thorough wet morning always makes a late break- 
 fast. It is enjoyable to pull aside the little red curtains 
 of the tiny windows, as one lies in his berth, and looking 
 out on the blurred and misty river (which, as Burley 
 remarked, looks quite damp on such occasions), while 
 
90 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 the rain patters upon the cabin top with a steady per- 
 sistence, and by spattering dabs caused by the rain 
 being blown from aloft fall impartially around amid the 
 murmuring of the rigging, as the dank breeze play upon 
 the tightened ropes, and to be able to say to one's self, 
 " Well, at all events^ I'm snug enough, and so are my 
 good old comrades, and as we can't go out we'll make 
 a cabin day of it, and smoke and joke till all's blue." A 
 late breakfast over, out comes the inevitable pipe or cigar, 
 and for the rest of the day everyone dwells in the clouds. 
 
 Then, as sure as fate, the cards are brought out, and 
 beginning with crib or whist, vingt-et-un is reached, and 
 finally nap for small points occupies the players. A 
 day of cards must be on the scale of a crescendo of 
 excitement, and so from quiet beginnings we get exciting 
 endings. 
 
 A wet day during a cruise does no harm, but brings 
 out the individuality of the various members of the party 
 as much as four dry ones. A wet day indicates a man's 
 character in a remarkable manner, and his little weak- 
 nesses and idiosyncrasies come quickly to the surface. 
 
 There is the fellow who pokes his head out of the 
 companion way every few minutes to see if there are any 
 signs of the rain giving over, and when he sees no change 
 in the dismal sky, fumes and frets and makes himself a 
 general nuisance to his comrades. He will not join in 
 anything, and is apt to characterise every project put 
 forward as " silly rot or kiddish." He is distinctly not 
 the man for a yacht. 
 
THE INNOCENTS- SUMMER CRUISE. 91 
 
 Then there is the chappie of a literary turn of mind ; 
 give him a good book and a soft pillow for his head, 
 and he is oblivious to rain and everything else. He is 
 a nonentity; tolerable, and well, if he is a bit selfish, 
 he mars no one else's enjoyment, although he adds 
 nothing to the pleasure of the rest of the company. 
 
 Then there is the card player. Weather is nought 
 to him. He has his pipe and his favourite drink, and 
 holds lucky hands. Dim clouds may roll above his 
 head but around him all is conleur de rose. What more 
 can he want, he is in clover. 
 
 On a large wherry there are usually one or two young 
 fellows, who, full of animal spirits, cannot settle to any- 
 thing; they are boisterous, and must be on the move, 
 and one does not know what they will be up to next, 
 neither do they themselves. One minute will find them 
 trying to do acrobatic business from a holdfast in the 
 cabin ceiling, the next they have a pillow-fight on, and 
 someone's glass is precipitated into its owner's lap, or 
 comes to grief on the floor. It will not do for any elderly 
 member of the party to try a quiet snooze, or he will be 
 sure to have burnt cork applied to his face, or 
 funny old men drawn on his bald head with ink and 
 a feather. 
 
 What can be done with such ? 
 
 Not much. They may be kept in bounds, but are 
 utterly irrepressible, and there are mixed ideas as to 
 whether these young gentlemen should be classed among 
 the wicked or the good. Probably the voting would go 
 
92 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 according to the particular temperament of the person 
 voting. 
 
 Fat old Beefing would vote them an intolerable 
 nuisance, while the ladies would probably reckon them 
 the life, if not the soul, of the party. 
 
 Probably the idiosyncrasies, the likes and the 
 aversions of individuals, come out more during a Broad- 
 land cruise than under any other circumstances. People 
 are thrown together more, and their natures will peep 
 out, try as they will to hide their foibles. 
 
 Most decidedly the ladies' characters show to the 
 greatest advantage during a cruise ; the gentlemen must 
 allow that, as a body, the ladies carry the palm for even 
 temper, and willingness to accept whatever occurs, either 
 in the way of mishap or weather, as thus : 
 
 Swearing Permitted. 
 
 On a certain cruise a yacht was carelessly run upon 
 a mudbank while the party were at breakfast. 
 
 Up poked a male head above the companion hatch 
 with "What's up?" 
 
 " Run on the putty, somehow," was the reply. 
 
 Then the gentleman commenced : " Why the • " 
 
 etc., etc., and turned purple with rage. 
 
 Anon popped up a lady's head, and a silvery voice 
 asked : 
 
 " Anything wrong ? " 
 
 " We're aground on the mud, miss." 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 93 
 
 The young lady clapped her hands as she exclaimed 
 gleefully : 
 
 " Oh ! how lovely ! " 
 
 Now the idea of the writer is to point out the 
 irascibility of a male yachtsman in time of mishap, and 
 to show in the reverse picture how happily and with 
 what calmness a lady yachtsman will take the same 
 misfortune. That is very nice at a glance, and the 
 comparison might very well be left to take care of 
 itself ; but let us add a line or two, and see how things 
 pan out. 
 
 " For two solid hours that gentleman and his man 
 pushed, and tugged, and sweated, and swore. A quant 
 was broken and two pairs of unmentionables split across 
 the broadest part before the yacht again rode in deep 
 water." 
 
 Now, how does the moral read? 
 
 " Where ignorance is bliss it is correct form to laugh. 
 Where knowledge sees unnecessary toil it is permissible 
 to swear." (Inwardly to one's self soothingly ; and out- 
 ward to the man each time you pass him impressively.) 
 
 Now, where are we ? Oh, it is a wet day, and every- 
 one lost in a smoke cloud, playing nap, at six counters 
 a penny. We condense the description of that wet day 
 and simply say, the day passed pleasantly. 
 
94 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 A?tother Wet Day. 
 
 Next morning, about seven, Burley awoke, and wiping 
 the condensation off the window with the little red 
 curtain — ^for which use he probably imagined it was 
 intended, for it was his invariable custom — ^he looked 
 out. Then he wiped again to make sure ; then in 
 stentorian tones yelled out : 
 
 " Hi ! you lazy beggars, wake up and look at the rain ! 
 My word, just look at it ! " 
 
 Weedy sat up so suddenly that he rammed the ceil- 
 ing with his curly head, for he occupied top berth. 
 
 He said a rude word — for him — and rubbed the part 
 affected. 
 
 Then Linear growled out, only partially awake : 
 
 " W'a's er marrer t " and fell asleep again. 
 
 Stuggy had to be prodded in the ribs with a length 
 of fishing rod before he deigned to open his eyes, and 
 then he laid and sucked his lips and blinked like an 
 owl before he understood what was being said to him. 
 
 It is supposed tliat he is descended from one of the 
 seven sleepers of Ephesus; but Linear says if such is 
 a fact, he must have descended in about three jumps, 
 for he has not yet had time to shake off his drowsiness. 
 
 " Say, boys," came from Burley, " let's have breakfast 
 at nine, and take the meantime out in snoozing." 
 
 " Agreed ; " and soon all but Weedy were snoring 
 like a pen of prize porkers. 
 
 Weedy read. Only for a little time. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 95 
 
 Weedy thought. For some time. 
 
 " How can I take it out of these beggars a bit," he 
 soliloquised. " I owe them one apiece all round." 
 
 Then alighting from- his berth he quietly lig'hted some 
 paper, and placing it upon a biscuit box lid in the store 
 cupboard, between the cabin and forepeak, and leading 
 into the latter by a little door, clambered quietly into 
 bed again. 
 
 The paper set up a dense smoke, and quickly woke 
 up Chuckle, who seeing the smoke at once yelled : 
 
 " Fire ! Fire ! " at the top of his voice. 
 
 Even Stuggy of Ephesus awoke at his cries. 
 
 " Tumble out ! Tumble out ! " yelled Weedy, " the 
 ship is on fire." 
 
 " Where ? where ? " cried the others in chorus. 
 
 " Here, sir, in the peak," replied the drowsy Chuckle. 
 
 Out tumbled the gigantic Burley, in his scant attire, 
 into the pelting rain, followed by the lengthy Linear 
 and sinewy Stuggy. Along the deck they ran to the 
 forepeak hatch, the lid of which Burley impetuously 
 wrenched off, and then vainly and valiantly endeavoured 
 to descend amid the smoke which ascended through the 
 opening. 
 
 His body was too big for the aperture, which he 
 completely filled, and his foot slipping from the solitary 
 step inside, there he hung with his legs dangling in the 
 forepeak, and his body looming large above the hatch, 
 like a cork in a champagne bottle. 
 
 The rain descended merrily on the pyjama-clad crew. 
 
96 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Stuggy and Linear helped Burley from his trap, and 
 the former popped down to see what was amiss. 
 
 Smoke now commenced to pour afresh into the peak 
 from the store cupboard (Weedy had replenished the 
 first paper with some brown paper, and it went 
 famously), and Stuggy handed out pails to those on 
 deck with : 
 
 " Look sharp, it's something caught fire in the cup- 
 board." 
 
 A couple of pails of water were dashed in, and the 
 smoke ceased, the gallant trio had doused the fire. 
 
 Back they trooped to the cabin, wet through, con- 
 gratulating themselves on their promptness and prow- 
 ess, conscious that they had performed a noble deed. 
 
 And there lay Weedy fast asleep. 
 
 " Groat Scott, man ! Why, whatever are you think- 
 ing about ? Why, we've had the ship afire ; and had 
 we not rushed to the rescue in time we might have been 
 smothered in our beds." 
 
 " Oh ! " said the wily Weedy innocently, blinking as 
 he added, "what fun you've had, why didn't you wake 
 me?" 
 
 Then the three heroes snorted in their pride and 
 chuckled over their alertness, as they took off their 
 soaking pyjamas and mopped their limbs. 
 
 And Weedy chuckled too, but he did his chuckling 
 silently. Weedy was afraid to divulge his secret just 
 then, as he was but a small man, and what is a shrimp 
 among three giants? but when the cruise was over he 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 97 
 
 chuckled louder than any of the others. Being the 
 smallest of the party, like Brer Rabbit, he had to lay 
 low, till one day during a little supper at his house, 
 he showed his friends fancy pictures in pen and ink 
 of certain pyjama-clad amateur firemen, and capped 
 it with another in which he himself, like a modern 
 Guy Fawkes, was just committing the arson. 
 
 Moral: 
 "HE LAUGHS LOUDEST WHO LAUGHS LAST." 
 
 The day continued wet, that was the second soaking 
 day, and they had had quite sufficient of cards on the 
 previous day, so after breakfast Burley proposed playing 
 that universal game " Coddam." Nothing is required in 
 this game but eight fists and a button ; and anyone 
 but slightly acquainted with the game can imagine 
 what a fund of merriment it contains, when the button 
 is in the hands of four lively fellows. 
 
 In England it is a soldier's game, but in America it 
 is the chief gambling game among the noble Redmen, 
 and horses, wigwams, robes, and even wives are 
 gambled away simply by the aid of a tiny stone or 
 chip of bone or wood. It is simpler than cards, but 
 quite as engrossing. 
 
 It is a capital game on a yacht for a wet day, and 
 our heroes played it with varying success for a long 
 time, till somehow it came about that Burley bantered 
 Weedy concerning some verses he had concocted, 
 
 G 
 
98 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 whereupon the latter blushed and retorted that the 
 former could not write a couple of decent verses if his 
 life depended upon the effort. 
 
 Well, in the end, just as in real warfare, the others 
 were dragged into it, until it was agreed that each man 
 should have an hour in which to write some verses on 
 any subject he chose, and that the said verses should 
 be read aloud, no one but the writer knowing w'ho wrote 
 them. And that the writer of those adjudged the best 
 verses should receive a garland of the finest procurable 
 wild flowers — be adjudged poet laureate of the good 
 ship " Pillbox," and in addition should receive from 
 each of the unsuccessful competitors eighteenpence 
 lawful coin of the realm, to be expended in a bottle 
 of the finest whisky procurable ; the said alcohol to 
 be for the joint benefit and refreshment of the whole 
 ship's crew. 
 
 Down sat the poetic innocents at the appointed time 
 to commence their mental task, and very funny they 
 looked while in the throes of composition. 
 
 Burley the ponderous, sat bolt upright on his 
 cushioned locker, and fanning himself with his paper, 
 looked upward to the fly-spotted ceihng with a happy 
 smile on his rubicund countenance, as if he were in 
 direct telepathic communication with one of the Muses, 
 Calliope in particular 
 
 He made a sweet picture. 
 
 Weedy of the lank hair, supposedly the poet of the 
 party, sat on an upturned pail in the stern-sheets, with 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 99 
 
 his elbows on his knees, and his fists stuck into his 
 sunburnt oheeks ; his corduroy forehead was bent 
 over his dark eyes, which were fixed on a particular 
 pattern on the kamptulicon which covered the well. 
 
 He held his pencil between his teeth and looked more 
 like a condemned criminal than a follower of Tennyson. 
 
 Linear gathered up his long legs and sat on them 
 a la Tzirc, a drawing board on his knees forming a desk 
 for writing upon. He smoked a little, holding his head 
 on one side and occasionally closing his right eye ; 
 this was for inspiration. Anon he laid aside his pipe 
 and puckered up both lips and forehead and 
 w'histled, no doubt thinking that if he wooed the 
 goddess of music, the goddess of poetry would arrive 
 to see what was the matter. Then as he whistled he 
 would nod his head vigorously to get the rhythm of his 
 lines, till he put one in mind of a little Chinese 
 mandarin with a movable, jerky neck, such as one 
 sees in shop windows ; or perhaps he might be more 
 graphically described as a young blackbird sitting on 
 a twig after swallowing its first live worm, and wonder- 
 ing what would happen next. 
 
 Stuggy was evidently ill at ease ; he tapped his pencil 
 upon his paper about five hundred times and looked 
 vacantly at his comrades time after time before he put 
 a word on paper. Then he flew at it, and put down a 
 whole line before coming to a sudden stop. Then he 
 pulled his ear and stroked his nose with his disen- 
 gaged hand, rubbed his chin, curled his moustache, and 
 
loo TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 finally flew at his paper to write another line. He 
 appeared to get half through it before he found the 
 last word would not rhyme with the previous line, so 
 crossed it out with a dash, and then sat grinning at it 
 like a hyena. 
 
 Had any stranger looked in he would have imagined 
 himself an intrusive visitor to a gallery of waxwork 
 figures doing a trial trip under new clockwork. It was 
 just lovely. 
 
 In due time came the reading of the poetic efforts ; 
 the award of the poetic wreath and ceremony of placing 
 the chaplet on the victor's brow being postponed till 
 a more fitting day, as dabby, wet garlands are not 
 nice. 
 
 Burley's verses were ponderous like himself, and con- 
 tained much war and blood and other nasty violent 
 things, but they were not up to the standard of a poet 
 laureate. 
 
 He called his an " Epic on Khartoum," and only a 
 few lines can be given here for fear the blood with 
 which it reeks may have a sickening effect upon the 
 reader. 
 
 The Dervish horde in bold array, 
 Rushed onward to the maxim ; 
 
 The very steed excited grew, 
 
 Just like the man who backs him. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. loi 
 
 The blood in gurgling ruddy stream 
 
 Ran down to meet the Nile ; 
 The foe in trenches hast'ly made, 
 
 Were heaved in pile on pile, 
 In years to come the fallereen 
 
 Will find its richish sile, &c., &c. 
 
 All agreed that in the rough the effort was tolerable, 
 but although there was considerable vigour in it, it 
 lacked polish. Or, as one said, " there is plenty of 
 black" in it, but the polish on it would fall far short 
 of that of Day and Martin, which would shine where he 
 would flicker and die out. 
 
 Agreed, therefore, that being second to Day and 
 Martin, he could not pretend to the laureateship. 
 
 Weedy's effort came next, and was entitled : 
 
 "ODE TO A WATER BEETLE." 
 
 This was so watery and washy that by general accla- 
 mation it was voted " no go." It rhymed very fairly, 
 and its rhythm was preserved ; but it was all " glimmer " 
 and " shimmer," and " ghnt " and " tint." It was all 
 legs and wings, and lacking body, consequently had no 
 backbone. We refrain from giving even a sample, as 
 the reader has done nothing to us that he should be 
 made to feel sad for a whole miserable hour after 
 reading Weedy's " Wayward Beetle," as the effort was 
 relabelled. 
 
 Agreed, that the person who wrote these wasihy 
 verses should have the choice of swallowing either 
 
102 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 three lively water beetles, or one copy of his own com- 
 position. 
 
 Stuggy's tribute was next taken in hand, but alas, 
 versification was a dead letter with him. He had 
 striven and fought his best, but he stuck fast about 
 every other line. As he said, it would have been all right 
 if he could have thought of rhymes to his words. His 
 ideas were excellent, but would not rhyme, although 
 they had plenty of reason in them. 
 
 It made funny reading — the whole six verses (or 
 rather parts of six verses, for three lines and a 
 " bittock " was all he ever attained) looking much like 
 a dog running on three legs, or, as Burley put it, like 
 an old soldier with two arms, one leg, and a stump. 
 
 Here we go. 
 
 I. 
 
 As down the Vale of Life I stray, 
 I meet with many rude reverses, 
 
 I'm here to-day, to-morrow gone, 
 I'm ! 
 
 II. 
 
 But what care I though Fortune frown, 
 Or fate should threaten to shipwreck me, 
 
 To-morrow gone, I'm here to-day, 
 I'm ! 
 
 There was no title to this effusion, so what it was all 
 about no one could infer. The poet called it a " Senti- 
 mental Song; " but after looking carefully through it 
 no sentiment could be discovered by the judges, who 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 103 
 
 surmised that the sentiment in looking for the sense 
 had shpped through the bottom and lost itself. 
 
 Burley said he thought that last line a " caulker," 
 whatever that may be, the other members spelled it 
 " corker," for it completely bottled up the embarrassed 
 poet. 
 
 Agreed, that the writer had no felonious intent when 
 he undertook the herculean task before him of filching 
 rhymes from his brain. That he had made the attempt 
 was proved by the evidence before the court His 
 dastardly attempt, luckily for himself and those present, 
 had failed, and under the circumstances, he would be 
 fined one bottle of Old Scotch for having made an ass 
 of a member of the " Pillbox." 
 
 Prisoner, with his naturally hard demeanour, joined 
 heartily in laughter with the judges, who each begged 
 leave to copy the " poem " for framing. 
 
 Linears versification came last, and its author in- 
 formed the company that, as it was founded on fact, he 
 hoped they would remember that such being the case 
 he had not so much freedom of thought as his compeers. 
 
 As it was adjudged the best production we give it 
 in extenso. 
 
 YE FYSHERMAN HYS LUCRE. 
 
 Ye fysherman proposeth oft 
 
 Ye scaley onnes to lure ; 
 But higher power disposeth 
 
 When he feeleth too cock-sure. 
 
104 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 One livelong morn a fisher wrought 
 With spayde, sande-wormes to digge, 
 
 Till down his cheekes ye swat did poure 
 In droppes round and bigge. 
 
 Ye wormes lay deep ; ye sande was wette ; 
 
 And ere he filled his canne, 
 His back did ache, and eke his arme; 
 
 He was a wearie manne. 
 
 His onlie sonne a ladde of tenne, 
 With grimaces and squirmes, 
 
 Did fill ye canne with fyshes foode, 
 A Diet of (lug) JVonnes. 
 
 Ye canne was fylled ; they wended home, 
 
 Their homely meal to share. 
 Syne came the eve, they shoreward rove, 
 
 And each a line did beare. 
 
 With care their hooke-line they unrolled, 
 The barbed hooks were manney. 
 
 Some threescore, and I'm fain to say, 
 A dozen more if anney. 
 
 Ye rosie sun dipped him a-downe 
 
 Into ye Western Sea, 
 Ere all was fit to bait ye hookes, 
 
 Ye hooks quite seventie. 
 
 " Now bring ye bait, my littel sonne," 
 
 Ye fysher gailie cried. 
 " Aye, that will I from out ye canne," 
 
 Ye littel sonne rephed. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 105 
 
 Then faste he ranne unto ye clifte, 
 
 To where ye canne was hyd. 
 *• Great Scott," cried he, with staring eyes, 
 
 " Ye canne has lost its lydd." 
 
 " Oh, fader myne ! thys canne of tinne 
 
 Has fallen upon its syde : 
 Ye worms have bunked I feare me much, 
 
 And are washed out with ye tyde. 
 
 Now fyshers are at tymes profane, 
 
 And thys began to sweare ; 
 Ye blushing sun in haste did dyp, 
 
 Cerulean grew ye aire. 
 
 Ye fysherman returned alone ; 
 
 Ye lad, ah ! where was he ? 
 On shore strayed he tyll rose ye moone, 
 
 Then home in feare went he. 
 
 At night's deepe noone, while fader slept 
 
 Ye sleep ye wearie seckes, 
 Ye lad crept home with silent feet. 
 
 And rope coiled in his breeks. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 When partners with a fysherman, 
 Who "something dreadful" sweares, 
 
 See that ye baite is safely stowed, 
 Or that soft shoes he weares. 
 
 The Anchoring of Noah's Ark. 
 
 Burley and Linear are inordinately fond of eels, so 
 one night they took the trouble to bait a line of about 
 
io6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 fifty hooks. This they coiled carefully in the stern of 
 the dinghy, and pulled away on to Barton Broad. The 
 " Pillbox " was at the time lying just by Irstead Church 
 in a dyke leading to Catheld. 
 
 They arrived at their shooting place just in the 
 gloaming, and while Burley pulled, Linear paid the line 
 carefully over the stern. A solitary-looking cork from 
 a beer bottle was all that marked one end of the line, 
 the cork being attached to the end of the main line 
 by means of a bit of waxed thread. This light ligature 
 gave buoyancy to the cork, and was calculated to avoid 
 suspicion. 
 
 The practised eye of a marshman would notice any- 
 thing, whether cork, wood, or other material, did it not 
 bob to the rise and fall of every little wavelet, and his 
 shallow little reed-boat would be at once stopped and 
 the object examined. 
 
 All well ; the dinghy returned to the yacht. 
 
 In the morning, about seven o'clock, Burley and 
 Linear took the dinghy and went to haul their eel line, 
 and having taken careful bearings they soon picked up 
 the cork and began wistfully to haul in, making guesses 
 as to the number of eels they would astonish their 
 friends with. 
 
 But guessing the number of fish on a line, is very 
 much like counting one's chickens before they are 
 hatched, as they soon found. Linear (hauled, and as 
 each hook appeared, ejaculated thusly : 
 
 " Nothing — nothing — no — I'm blessed, not one — no 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 107 
 
 — nothing — and all the bait gone — no — hallo — ^no, only 
 weed — hello, here comes a mussel — no, well just look at 
 that, it's a potato ! How the dickens could that have 
 hooked itself? Nothing — ^no — no — Oh! I say, look here 
 now, here's another murphy! We've been had, old 
 man, potatoes do not generally sink and transfix them- 
 selves on hooks, do they?" 
 
 Burley agreed that such suicidal tendencies on the 
 part of the common or garden spud was most unusual. 
 
 They had been done — done brown ! 
 
 Chuckle was taken into council. He was a Barton 
 man (" Gipsy Bartoners " they call them, from so many 
 tawny-skinned men residing in the village), and at once 
 suggested an old man living near the broad as being 
 the purloiner of the eels. 
 
 " Thet's old Noah's work, sure's I'm a-standin' in tew 
 shues ; jest yew leave it ter me ter find out. He's a 
 jannock ole faller, and I know him rite well." 
 
 Chuckle had leave to visit Noah, and was gone all 
 the morning, Stuggy taking his duty as cook. And a 
 nice mess he made of it as usual. What an ass of a 
 cook he proved may be gathered from the fact that 
 he made a suet pudding and actually baked it with- 
 out — ^well, hear what happened. 
 
 Burley knew there was something wrong with that 
 pudding directly he put his knife on it to cut it. It 
 turned the edge of the blade and crippled his wrist as 
 he struggled to remove a chunk for each diner. 
 
 Of course each looked hard at it, tried to get his 
 
io8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 fork into it, sniffed it, and even nibbled it, and finding 
 it like leather, two of them blurted out together, 
 " Kamptulicon ! " 
 
 The floor was inspected, but no " kamptulicon " was 
 missing. 
 
 " What did you put in it, Stuggy ? " 
 
 Stuggy began to go through the ingredients, and then 
 suddenly began to blush and stammer. He remembered 
 something. 
 
 He flew to the forepeak, accompanied by Linear, 
 and there calmly reposing in a basin with a saucer 
 coverlet was the suet I The murder was out 
 
 Chuckle returned in due course, his face full of glee, 
 and with the information that he had " tapped the ole 
 beggar and got it all out of him." 
 
 Old Noah had watched the laying of the line from 
 a reed-rand, and knowing that yachtsmen, as a rule, 
 are not very early birds, had come along in his reed- 
 boat at four o'clock and taken off half a stone of nice 
 eels and planted the two potatoes on the hooks. 
 
 Chuckle continued : 
 
 " Ole Noah, he say, what's the user growin' old ef 
 yer don't grow artful tew? I'm a-eat up so with the 
 rheumatiz that I can't set lines like I used to, but when 
 a parcel o' fools cum and set a ' tret ' right under a ole 
 man's nose wat like eels, why, wot's he ter du but go 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 109 
 
 and pick up wat he can ha' for the gathering. An* 
 there wor a nice mess too." 
 
 " And," said Chuckle, " there wor some good 'uns 
 among 'em." 
 
 How could they circumvent Old Noah and have their 
 revenge was the question. 
 
 To take a fellow's eels and then call )him a fool is. 
 adding insult to injury ; so they thirsted for revenge 
 and deliberated how to obtain it. 
 
 Scheme after scheme was concocted by which they 
 might get level with the old sinner. 
 
 " Let us frighten him after he has got to bed," said one.. 
 
 " Put his pig into his boat and set it adrift," was. 
 suggested by another. 
 
 " 'Tice him on the broad in his ole boat and then 
 shove the cork out and let him swim ashore," inter- 
 polated Chuckle. 
 
 This was voted much too drastic — Old Noah without 
 the succour of his ark might be drowned 
 
 At length Linear proposed a plan by which the old 
 fellow might be anchored on the broad about dusk 
 when there were very few people about. 
 
 The long one's plan was to sink a sack of stones 
 at a convenient place in the broad — somewhere up the 
 little-used arm towards Neatishead. To this was to be 
 attached a length of rope sufficient to reach nearly to 
 the surface of the water, and on the end of it a strong 
 iron hook was to be bent. This hook was to be buoyed, 
 so as to float eig-hteen inches beneath the surface. 
 
no THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 That being done one of the conspirators was to go 
 to the old man's boat while he was at dinner, turn her 
 up and bore a hole through the keel for the hook to go 
 in. The rest was to be left to Linear. 
 
 The sack was sunk, the hook buoyed, and the hole 
 bored successfully ; nothing remained but to await the 
 old man's arrival on the scene. 
 
 Two hours passed before Old Noah was seen 
 paddhng in that calm, noiseless manner peculiar to 
 those water dogs, the marshmen of Broadland. 
 
 Burley and Linear were at once at work near the 
 •sack, making believe that they had dropped something 
 overboard, and as Noah came along were vigorously 
 probing the depths with a long mooring pole. 
 
 The old fellow saw them and altered his course, and 
 ■came nearer. 
 
 " What ha' yer lost sommat overboard ? " he inquired. 
 
 " Yes," Burley replied, " our whole kit in a big bag. 
 It went off the stern just about here." 
 
 The old man came and hung on to their boat, and 
 asked a hundred questions, and made several sugges- 
 tions, none of which were accepted, till presently Burley 
 sang out : 
 
 " I'm touching it, I believe ; I can feel something 
 Lard." 
 
 Linear got out a scull and commenced prodding 
 about, but the scull was hardly long enoug'h. Off came 
 his coat and up went his sleeves above the elbow. 
 
 Burley fiddled about with the mooring pole to take 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. in 
 
 the ancient mariner's attention, and this gave Linear 
 an opportunity to grab the hook and pop it through 
 the keel of Noah's ark. 
 
 Then, having had the signal "all right" conveyed 
 by a nod and wink, Burley suddenly had an ideai 
 
 " Now I can feel the bag right here, but it is too 
 heavy to get up on the end of a pole. How would it 
 be if we were to go back to the yacht and get that 
 strong iron creeper, we could then regain our kit in 
 five minutes ? " 
 
 " You won't mind stopping and mooring here for half 
 an hour, will you ? " said Linear to Noah ; " just put 
 this pole in by the side of our bag and fasten up to it." 
 
 Noah readily assented. 
 
 " Here is four o'clock and we haven't had a bite since 
 breakfast," continued Linear, " so this trip will give us 
 an opportunity to refresh the inner man. By the way, 
 which do you prefer, whisky or brandy? " 
 
 " Oh, just a wee drop o' whisky, thank'ee, that'll du 
 my rheumatiz a warld o' good ; and look here, don't 
 yew gents hurry, 7 ain't in no hurry. Ha' yer dinner 
 •comfor'ble, I'll ha' a smoke." 
 
 " Sorry I haven't a cigar to offer you, but we have 
 plenty in the yacht. Which do you prefer, Havanna or 
 Borneo?" 
 
 " Oh, don't yew trouble about no furrin brands, I 
 
 don't trouble what 'tis, so as it don't make me sick," 
 
 -and the old man chuckled at his attempt at facetiousness. 
 
 " Got him on toast, by jingo ! " giggled Burley when 
 
112 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 out of hearing. " The old joker will want some grub 
 before he puts Larranaga or Scotch into his mouth, I'm 
 thinking." 
 
 At five o'clock the old man sat in his reed punt as 
 quiet as a lamb, contemplating the glittering water. '• 
 
 So he did at six p.m., with an occasional look around ; 
 he was a patient old patriarch, if artful. 
 
 At seven he was standing in his boat scanning the 
 scene in the evening glow. 
 
 At eight he was struggling and tugging at the moor- 
 ing pole, and through a pair of field glasses looked to 
 be terribly excited. Indeed, Weedy said, 'he could 
 detect a blueness in the air around the old mariner's 
 head, caused by his cerulean language. 
 
 Night falling, a mantle of haze settled over the 
 broad, as it usually does after a hot day, till the old 
 man ,and his tribulation could be seen no longer. 
 
 Before daybreak next day the "Pillbox" returned 
 to the Bure, so how Noah left his ark was not known, 
 or if he left it at all. Unless someone came to his 
 rescue, his skeleton may still be sitting there, guard- 
 ing that bag of stones, for he could not swim a stroke^ 
 and he was too safely anchored to get away by any 
 other means. To reach over the side of the reed-boat 
 to cut the rope would have turned the ship upside 
 down. The Innocents were revenged. 
 
 Burley next day dropped Noah a line thanking him 
 for taking care of our eels, and a/so for taking care 
 of our lost kit. 
 
THE INNOCENTS SUMMER CRUISE. 113 
 
 Father Williavt. 
 
 While the " Pillbox " one day lay moored on the 
 Acle side of Horning Church, a venerable old gentle- 
 man, shading himself under a big white umbrella, came 
 down to a meadow adjoining the river. He looked a 
 very scientific old cove, and carried a big red volume 
 under his arm. 
 
 He made himself very comfortable on a fallen tree, 
 selecting a part where a big branch looped out from 
 the parent stem and gave a comfortable support to his 
 back. Then he fixed his big sunshade in a cleft, and 
 sat down for a good read — to study in quietness. 
 
 The Innocents looked from afar with awe. They 
 called to mind the portraits of Huxley, Darwin, Tyndall, 
 and a host of other great scientists, but failed to recog- 
 nise the savant. 
 
 He read the book and then reflected deeply — so 
 deeply that the Innocents would have given a trifle to 
 learn the name of the book he was studying so 
 assiduously. 
 
 Presently he reflected so deeply that he appeared to 
 doze. Out came the field glasses. 
 
 " Yes," said Linear slowly, " the old boy's fast asleep, 
 and I'll bet either of you fellows two glasses I'll go and 
 have a look at his book without waking him." 
 
 He was taken, and off went Linear. 
 
 His approach was superb — a la Chocktaw Indian. 
 There had not been more laughter for days than over 
 
 11 
 
114 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 this episode. Had the old gent awakened just at the 
 critical point when Linear was fingering the book, a 
 fit would have been the result to Burley at least. 
 
 But he did not wake up, and Linear calmly sat down 
 by the unconscious old savant, and looked the book 
 through. 
 
 Burley said he reckoned it was on dead languages or 
 some classic work. 
 
 Stuggy opined that science of some sort — electricity 
 or chemistry of an advanced kind filled the tome, but 
 Weedy felt sure it was Theology or the Drama. 
 
 Linear still sat there as the old man slumbered on. 
 
 " What a cheek ! " cried Burley, " the long 'un is 
 writing something down in the book ; an answer to 
 some problem perhaps." 
 
 At the end of a quarter of an hour Linear returned. 
 
 " What was it ? " asked everyone eagerly in chorus, 
 expecting some polysyllabic Greek or Latin title at least. 
 
 " You'd never guess," said Linear, " if you tried for 
 a week, and yet everyone knows the book well, so I 
 will tell you. It is 'Alice in Wonderland!' Now 
 that just shows you should never judge people by 
 their appearances any more than you can tell a cigar 
 by the ornate label on the box. I think he must be 
 a Nonconformist parson ; he had just got to that lovely 
 poem, entitled ' Father William,' so I sat down and 
 wrote four more verses for his edification, and put them 
 in as a book mark, so that he should not lose his place 
 when he awoke. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 115 
 
 These were Linear's lines : 
 
 " Thy feet they are large," the young man cried, 
 
 " Thy boots make thee hobble all day. 
 And the bumpy black leather is very much creased, 
 
 Now tell me the reason I pray? " 
 
 " In the days of my youth," the old fellow replied, 
 
 " With port wine I'd many a bout. 
 And now in my dotage I'm fain to confess, 
 
 I'm a martyr to bunions and gout." 
 
 " But what makes you smile in that Cheshire cat style. 
 
 And turn somersaults at the door. 
 And balance that eel on the tip of your nose. 
 
 And stand on your head on the floor ? " 
 
 " Alas ! " cried old William with giggling glee, 
 
 " With a baboon's my brain is a match. 
 And I think if I lived in the place that I should, 
 
 My address would be ' Will, Colney Hatch.' " 
 
 When the old fraud woke up half an hour after, he 
 caught sight of the verses, and presurmably of the 
 " Pillboxers," for their roars might have been heard 
 a mile away over water. He clenched his fist, slammed 
 his umbrella together, and shook it at the grinning 
 Innocents before departing in great dudgeon. 
 
 Our Man " CJmckle!' 
 
 The navigator of the " Pillbox " was a typical Broad- 
 lander, full of quaint sayings and curious ideas, a rival 
 
ii6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 in humour to the DubHn Jarvey, between whom there 
 is something in common in the way of navigation ; one 
 navigates a jaunting car and the other a wherry, both 
 rubbing shoulders with all sorts and conditions of men. 
 
 Chuckle chewed and smoked from " roseate morn till 
 dewy eve," and this he thought of when Burley asked 
 him one day : 
 
 " How would you like to go out to Central Africa 
 among the cannibals? " 
 
 " Wot are them ? '* he asked, " some sort 'er dragon 
 kindly?" 
 
 When informed that they were blacks who ate all 
 the people they could kill, he remarked : 
 
 " If I go out they 'ont touch me I know, I chow 'bacca 
 'nuff to kill a score on 'em. Why, they'd never make 
 me flavourable 'nuff ter eat, onless they kivered me all 
 over an inch thick with kiann papper! and even then 
 they'd find me as tough as a bit of old witlather or the 
 davvel's hide on a frosty mornin' ! " 
 
 On being asked if a certain person drank heavily, 
 he replied : 
 
 " Drink, maaster? He du get suffen down. A pint 
 'ont wet one eye wi' him, and a quart don't fill him 
 up. He alius want a drop in a pail, about up to the 
 thud heup ! and iken he say he feel dry ! " 
 
 One day Weedy tore his jacket on an outstanding 
 nail, and remarked that it did not matter, it was a very 
 old garment and the cloth rotten. Chuckle saw the acci- 
 dent and heard the remark, and Sam Weller-like rejoined : 
 
TUE INN0CE:\TS summer cruise, 117 
 
 " Ah ! that's wot the old woman say when she clawed 
 her old man by the ears, ' Rotten will rend ! ' " 
 
 Chuckle informed the Innocents one day when they 
 were speaking of strange deaths that he " know'd of 
 tew," and they certainly were both curious and out 
 of the common. 
 
 A schoolfellow of his sickened, and grew worse daily, 
 having most intense pains in his head. Several doctors 
 saw him, and it was surmised that pressure or a growth 
 on the brain might be the cause, but despite their 
 attention the boy died. 
 
 An inquest was held, and the doctor who made the 
 post-mortem declared that death resulted from a 
 common horse bean, which had at some period been 
 thrust into the cavity of the boy's ear, and with the 
 warmth and moisture therein had sprouted, giving the 
 boy excruciating pain and causing his death. 
 
 Chuckle's father, too, met his death in a very simple 
 manner — he was killed by a fly, a death 3;ssigned 
 rightly or wrongly to one of the early Popes, who was 
 choked by a fly while taking a goblet of wine. Only 
 Chuckle's father was not killed in that way. He was 
 standing in the cockpit of his wherry one very hot day, 
 with his hand on the tiller, when a fly settled on his 
 bare arm and bit him. Such a slight occurrence was 
 taken no notice of, but a Httle red puncture caused 
 irritation, he rubbed the place, blood-poisoning super- 
 vened, and in a few days he was a dead man. 
 
 Chuckle obtained leave one day to visit his sweet- 
 
ii8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 heart at Stalhairt It was ludicrous to see him what 
 he termed "kinder fake hisself up a bit." After an 
 elaborate shave and wash and a lengthy hair-coombing, 
 helped by ^ liberal allowance of pork lard, he dived into 
 the peak, and presently, instead of appearing as the 
 nautical man with dungaree trousers, guernsey, and 
 peaked cap, he appeared a la Due de Pompoodle. 
 
 He had donned a pair of tight blue trousers, and a 
 light coat and waistcoat. A blazing red tie sur- 
 rounded a stand-up collar, and a brown bowler " topped 
 him off." 
 
 Burley nearly had a fit, while Linear doubled up 
 over the great iron tiller when Chuckle appeared ; and 
 the others came rushing out to see what was amiss. 
 They too caught the infection and were convulsed, but 
 this did not disconcert Chuckle a morsel, he begged a 
 cigar, and with it stuck in his mouth at an angle which 
 brought it into close propinquity with his nose, strutted 
 up and down the bank for the Innocents' edification, 
 shooting out his cuffs, with brass links, till they nearly 
 covered his hands. He smacked his \^g with a natty 
 little walking stick, and enjoyed the fun quite as 
 much as the four spectators, whose ribs ached with 
 laughing. 
 
 " Eh ! " said Chuckle knowingly, " kinder knock spots 
 off some o' them there London docks, eh ? " and off 
 he trudged to see his inamorato. 
 
 The gay young spark was " a goin' arter " a widow 
 turned forty and nearly old enough to be his mother. 
 
THE INNOCENTS SUMMER CRUISE. 119 
 
 More laughter when he returned, for he brought with 
 him a love token from his fair one. 
 
 " She would ha' me teake it, and it's a rale beauter 
 tu," said he, triumphantly exhibiting an enormous red 
 cabbage, " I alius was fond er frute, and here's summat 
 to set yer toshes inter, and no mistake." 
 
 Celebrities Meet. 
 
 How is it that newspaper reporters have such a sin- 
 ful way of exaggerating everything they write about? 
 Can it be that they are all the sons of anglers? It is 
 devotedly to be hoped that it is not so, else with a 
 little practise their exaggerating might come danger- 
 ously near the almost invisible line which divides it from 
 actual lying. 
 
 Possibly a little exaggeration may give interest to 
 the reader, picturesqueness to the literary style, and 
 even a little flattering unction to the soul of the scribe, 
 who fancies he sees things in a superior and different 
 light to his fellow mortals. 
 
 When two celebrities meet the journalist usually so 
 magnifies them, their surroundings, and their little con- 
 gratulatory speeches, that one would imagine the meet- 
 ing to be spread over a fortnight at least. 
 
 Look what piles have been written about the meeting 
 of Wellington and Bliicher on the field of Waterloo. 
 Reams of it ; loads of it ; and yet modern historians 
 and writers say they never met on the battlefield at all! 
 
I20 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 See what columns were written concerning the meet- 
 ing of Livingstone and Stanley, to say nothing of the 
 meeting of Sayers and Heenan! 
 
 A certain literary celebrity was staying at Horning 
 Ferry Inn one summer when another ditto ditto acci- 
 dentally took it into his head to take a peep at the 
 beauties of the Bure, not knowing of the presence at 
 the Ferry of the first. 
 
 One day the first, whom we will call O , strolled 
 
 along the river bank to see if he could get a rise at 
 some trout, which he had been assured had been seen 
 at a certain spot. He had tried and failed ; had taken 
 off his fly and was trying for perch with lobworms, 
 with a like abortive result, when the shadow of some- 
 one strolling along the bank behind him was cast upon 
 the water before him. 
 
 Now O was down for quietness, and did not 
 
 want to talk to anyone ; he simply wanted to drone 
 and drowse in the sunshine till lunch-time, fish orno fish. 
 
 " Good morning ! " came from the man casting the 
 
 shadow, and whom we will call Z , " have you 
 
 caught anything worth inspection? If so, I guess I'd 
 like to cast my eyes on it, or them, if you've no 
 objection." 
 
 " Certainly," said O off-handedly, " they're in 
 
 that tin box on my waterproof," jerking his thumb over 
 his arm as much as to hint " don't bother me." 
 
 The man with the tousled moustache picked up 
 the little box and opened the lid. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 121 
 
 " Worms," he muttered to himself ; then aloud : 
 
 " Guess, stranger, you've landed some beauties, but 
 you hardly required a rod for a job like that. I never 
 knew anyone aizgle for anything of this sort before. 
 Anyway, may I ask how you take them — fried or biled } " 
 
 O did not even look at his interlocutor, whom 
 
 he took by his twang to be an American tourist who 
 had heard of our lagoons, and was sampling them. He 
 merely replied frigid 1}^ : 
 
 " We don't eat them in England, we merely fish with 
 them." 
 
 " Oh, I see," replied the visitor, " your customs appear 
 different to ours ; we bile 'em down and make astonish- 
 ing nice aspic jelly of them ; according to Cocker they 
 are extremely fattening." 
 
 " Cocker was no doubt a clever man, but probably 
 understood as little of worms as our great Johnson of 
 angling," rapped out O testily. 
 
 *' I guess," remarked Z , " that your Johnson was 
 
 poor pudding to our great lexicographer Cocker ! " 
 
 " And yet," said O , " you must allow that he gave 
 
 a capital definition of the word * angle.' " 
 
 " Maybe," said Z , " he did, but I can't say I ever 
 
 heard it, perhaps you will favour me with it ? " 
 
 O , fumbling in his pocket, remarked : 
 
 " It was a somewhat rude definition, but if you will 
 take it as he set it down, and without any thought of 
 insinuation on my part, I will tell you, if you will kindly 
 hold my rod a moment." 
 
J22 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 took the rod, remarking : 
 
 " Guess I'm not so durned thin-skinned as to set my 
 hump at anything a fossil dictionary writer could say to 
 hurt my well-seasoned feelings. Fire away, stranger, 
 let's have it right plump and square ! " 
 
 O explained : 
 
 " The definition is this : hold the rod nicely over the 
 water, and you will catch the meaning better — ' Angle ' 
 — a rod with a worm at one end and a fool at the 
 other!" 
 
 " Done ! done right brown, and plenty of crackling," 
 
 roared Z , laughing loudly. " But look here, old 
 
 boss, as we say down to home, for goodness' sake 
 resume your rod, you look so out of character without 
 it." 
 
 O squirmed a bit, but seeing that he had met 
 
 his match, joined in laughing too, which awoke a huge 
 dog dozing in the shade of a wild currant-bush. 
 
 " Shades of Washington ! whatever is that ? " ex- 
 claimed Z , quitting laughter and assuming a face 
 
 of horror, as he fixed his eyes on the dog. 
 
 " Oh, only my faithful companion, my beautiful 
 tyke." 
 
 "But why do you put that hideous mask on him? 
 I thought at first glance I must have had a return 
 attack of the jim-jams." 
 
 " Mask ! he has no mask on, that is his own real 
 countenance, I can assure you, and beautiful at that" 
 
 "Wall ! if that's so, all I can say is such a countenance 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE, 123 
 
 should be embalmed and put in a glass case, or 
 the whole animal stuffed for fear the hideous features 
 should be lost to future dealers in horrors. Take my 
 advice and have him petrified at once for fear his 
 beauty should fade. The sight of him makes me feel 
 dry, what is his name ? " Looking on his collar — 
 " Why — it's SimSy I ought to know you ? " 
 
 " Yes ! and mark me," said O , " we twain should 
 
 know each other. Let us get back and gargle to our 
 future friendship, Dr. Johnson and my bully bull-dog 
 notwithstanding." 
 
 They marched off arm in arm. 
 
 Now that is the roundabout method that might be 
 employed by a journaHst in writing of the meeting — 
 possible, but unlikely — but still dished up in a very 
 spicy manner. 
 
 What really took place was prosaically this : 
 
 S down at the Ferry for a week's end change, 
 
 finds Twain is also a visitor for a few days. 
 
 Mark sitting by the bowling-green watching the game 
 is asked to " make one " by S . 
 
 " May I ask you to be my partner in the next game, 
 just to w^hile away an hour, we are iherely playing for 
 drinks? " 
 
 " Well, I don't mind if you'll allow me to pay, for 
 you'll find me an arrant duffer, I'll promise you." 
 
 " Oh ! never mind, you will be in good company in 
 that respect." 
 
 " Mr. Smith and I," says the landlord, " against Mr. 
 
.124 THE INNOCENTS 'ON THE BROADS. 
 
 G. R. Sims and ' Mr. Mark Twain,' eh ? well, it's lucky 
 the weapons are bowls instead of pens ! " 
 
 The deed was done, the celeibrities had met. Hands 
 were shaken, and a long friendship was begun. 
 
 Only a dozen lines are filled instead of a couple of 
 columns. Whence then come the shekels for the 
 writer? Shekels and brevity are strangers. There- 
 fore bring forth the biggest pair of bellows, and in the 
 days of the whopping strawberry and wily sea serpent, 
 let journalism flourish — wind is cheap. 
 
 Just as the poet says, " In spring the young man 
 lightly turns to thoughts of love " — some of them turn 
 that way all the year round. So in summer the 
 young man turns to thoughts of fun, at least the 
 Innocents found it so, for never a day or an opportunity 
 for fun was missed. 
 
 Elaborate schemes for practical jokes were laid, and 
 sometimes they went off with a bang ; while at other 
 times, like an old flint lock, they gave a fizz, and 
 nothing more — no merry explosion followed — the 
 charge was damp. 
 
 Of course many ancient devices were tried on Weedy 
 with success, for like the laughing marshlands around, 
 he was green and fenceless. 
 
 Did they not accuse him of having a dirty face, and 
 send him to wash, in the dark, under the stern-sheet 
 awning? And did they not place a cake of blacking 
 for him instead of a cake of soap? Of course they 
 did. Ancient but efficacious. And did not he in re- 
 
THE INNOCENTS' SUMMER CRUISE. 125 
 
 venge put a " bread plug " in the bottom of the dinghy 
 and push off his friends without providing them with 
 oars? Equally of course. 
 
 Yes, sugar took the place of salt on the table, and 
 meat was sugared and coffee was salted ; boots had 
 bread crammed into the toes ; pipe-stems were stopped, 
 and cigars threaded with an obnoxious hair, and a 
 thousand and one pranks played worthy of the veriest 
 schoolboy. Yet with good comradeship, health, and 
 beautiful weather, the Innocents enjoyed perhaps the 
 happiest holiday of their lives. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 
 
 How strange, yet how true, that brothers, notwith- 
 standing an innate love one for the other, are often 
 given to jangling or bickering upon small points. 
 
 They know that the main facts of a certain thing 
 on the tafis ,are correct, yet for some occult reason 
 they will hnd and take different views, not because there 
 is much difference in their premises, but simply because 
 they are brothers ! 
 
 This peculiar phase of brotherhood does not cease 
 with boyhood, but frequently keeps pace with their 
 growth. Possibly each considers his intelhgence equal 
 to the others, and Dick, who is three years the senior, 
 wants to be leader, while Tom, the minor, wishes to 
 let his brother see .that he too knows a little. 
 
 Anyway there is an innate cussedness that leads 
 those of the same blood to " argue for the sake of 
 arguing." 
 
 S and E were brothers, and naturally had 
 
 their differences of opinion. Each thought himself a 
 better angler than the other, and at last, after much 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 127 
 
 verbal conflict, not unaccompanied with stray shots of 
 sarcasm, they agreed not to fight it out, but fish it out. 
 
 Each was to chose a friend, and on a set day drive 
 over to Hickhng, and from boats have a regular four 
 hours' fishing match. 
 
 S ' chose Walter Sandall of Walcot, who was 
 
 better perhaps in a wrestling bout, or when telling a 
 funny story, than as an angler. 
 
 E chose Ben Slipper of Hasbro' Hall, one of 
 
 those dashing squires who is good for anything in the 
 way of sport, and will get up at any time or go any- 
 where to enjoy it. 
 
 Alas! both good fellows lie in untimely graves! 
 
 Well, one bright September morning in 1876, the 
 merry party drove over to Hickling Staithe, and after 
 the usual and indispensable refreshment at the 
 Pleasure-Boat, then kept by that garrulous old wherry- 
 man Cooke, the two pairs of contestants entered their 
 boats and pulled for their respective angling stations,, 
 each party having their own choice of place. 
 
 S and Sandall dhose the Little Pleasure Hill, a 
 
 crescent-shaped belt of reeds, as their locale, while 
 E and Slipper went farther afield — to Whiteslea. 
 
 Half-past ten was the hour set for commencing, and 
 punctual to time the contest commenced. Three-quarters 
 of a mile apart, the two boats were not within sight of 
 each other, great reed-rands intervening, and it was left to 
 the honour of each party to angle in a fair and sports- 
 manlike manner. 
 
S28 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 and his companion did all they knew to woo 
 
 victory, but knowing the Little Pleasure Hill to be a 
 grand spot for rudd, were somewhat afraid that the 
 arrival of a shoal of half to three-quarter pounders 
 might give the palm to their friends. 
 
 Besides the honour of winning the contest, a dinner 
 was to be eaten by the four at the expense of the 
 loser, and at that very mom;ent they could almost 
 sniff the brace of ducks being cooked by Hannah, the 
 daughter of host Cooke. 
 
 As experts with the rod and line there was probably 
 little to chose between the two parties ; but it must 
 iDe owned that E and Slipper were somewhat non- 
 plussed at losing the toss for position, and finding their 
 opponents select the very spot they would themselves 
 have chosen, and visions of the big rudd that haunt 
 the Pleasure Hill would force themselves upon them 
 
 as they plied their rods ; beside which,, S and 
 
 Sandall were to try a most luring scent on their bait, 
 •of which, they had provided themselves with an ample 
 supply, and made much fuss. 
 
 At 'half -past two lines were reeled up, and on count- 
 ing their take E and Slipper found they had taken 
 
 1 1 5 hsh, big and little. They looked at each other 
 with doubt upon their faces. 
 
 " Five-and-thirty pounds," said E , as he hung 
 
 the net containing the take on his steelyard. "What 
 chance do we stand, do you think ? " 
 
 " Oh ! thirty-five pounds is not to be sneezed at, and 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 129 
 
 if those plaguy rudd have not visited them, we may 
 pull it off after all. Still, another twenty pounds would 
 have given us more confidence ; but up mooring poles 
 and le t us pick them up on our way back ; they will 
 probably wait for us." 
 
 Away they went, pulling heartily and cutting off 
 corners, for their boat was of light draught, and the 
 quivering reeds bowed and brushed their backs as they 
 ran through thin places where the limpid water was 
 only a foot deep. 
 
 On entering the broad they paused and looked round 
 to get a glimpse of their friends at the Little Pleasure 
 Hill, when both exclaimed together : 
 
 " Why, they are gone ! " 
 
 " By Jove ! " said E excitedly, " then they've 
 
 licked us, and have gone before their time ; they have 
 got among those blessed rudd, and mark me, they will 
 weigh up four or five stone ! " 
 
 "Yes, that's about it," replied Slipper, nodding his 
 head vigorously, " that scented rubbish of theirs has 
 enabled them to half fill their boat with fish, and they 
 will have a jolly big laugh at us. Let us pull to their 
 pitch and see what kind of ground-bait they used." 
 
 They pulled to the magic crescent of reeds and 
 peered down into the glassy green water, but could 
 see nothing but a broken dish, surrounded by the pink 
 bones of some animal. There were quite a number of 
 bones, but just then the friends did not fathom their 
 significance. 
 
 I 
 
I30 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " Rats, I expect," said Slipper, referring to the 
 skeleton remains, as he shaded his eyes so as to see 
 more clearly into the shimmering water. " Sandall has 
 some big old rodents in his granaries, and this is some 
 fake of his." 
 
 " Very likely," answered E , " and I reckon they 
 
 carried some kind of ground-bait in that dish." Then 
 glancing at the broken fragments : " It would have 
 been lucky for us if they had dropped their dish on 
 the road this morning ; anyhow, it won't carry any more 
 of their fishy concoctions." 
 
 And they both chuckled at the broken dish without 
 quite knowing why. 
 
 Away went the friends, pulling straight for the 
 staithe, grumbling at their luck and at the others' 
 superior strategy, and wondering what that broken dish 
 could have contained. That they were beaten they felt 
 assured. The dinner they would pay for willingly, but 
 then the laughs and jibes! They were dreadful to 
 contemplate. 
 
 Away they pulled, eager to put an end to their 
 suspense of several hours, but just before turning into 
 the dyke leading to the inn they heard a medley of 
 angry voices, followed by a hea\y splash in the water, 
 and then a great deal of puffing and snorting — ^for they 
 were now close to the dyke. 
 
 Into the narrow staithe shot the boat, and there 
 
 stood the burly S on the bank, glaring at a wild 
 
 tousled head and beard sticking out of the water, the 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING, 131 
 
 top and bottom of a face as red as a soldier's 
 tunic. 
 
 Sandall helped the unfortunate owner of the shock- 
 head ashore, and the said owner slunk off vowing 
 vengeance and shaking his great fist at S . 
 
 "Wait yow till I get some dry duds on," he roared 
 " ril come back arter yow, blarm me if I don't. See 
 if I 'ont " 
 
 But a forward move by S caused the sodden 
 
 waterman to consider retreat as his best policy. 
 
 The bellicose man was Noll Nudd — self-made cus- 
 todian of the broad. 
 
 Then the murder came out, for S , .bursting into 
 
 a loud roar, made a clean breast of the cause of the 
 strange scene. 
 
 Here is just what happened. 
 
 Before leaving the staithe in the morning, S , to 
 
 make sure of a good catch, had bribed Nudd, with 
 half a crown, to take his net and get about half a 
 bushel of lish — little ones to be thrown back. 
 
 These were to be ready by two o'clock — ^half an hour 
 before the match ended — and the " scent " fishermen 
 were to come ashore about that time and add this 
 little lot to what they had legitimately caught in the 
 meantime. 
 
 When E and Slipper had faded from their view, 
 
 they naturally felt themselves quite sure of victory, 
 and uncorking their bottles of " Old Tom," as strong 
 a'e is called in Norfolk (and it is powerful, too), they 
 
132 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 drank and smoked and enjoyed the dolce far niente, 
 now and again being drowsily aware that one or other 
 ihad hooked a fish, by noticing the point of one of the 
 fixed rods swaying and jerking about as they redined 
 at their ease. 
 
 These were put into their net and preserved until 
 they had actually landed nine fish. 
 
 At one o'clock, exhausted by their arduous toil and 
 the heat of the day, they attacked a large rabbit pie 
 which Sandall had thoughtfully provided. It contained 
 only the prime parts of two rabbits, and — it — ^was 
 delicious I 
 
 All they left of that pie was the bones, which were 
 thrown overboard as they were picked, and which so 
 
 mystified E and Slipper. The dish had slipped 
 
 from Sandall's hands as he was washing it, and falling 
 on the gunnel had demolished itself. 
 
 Being satisfied with their lunch they pulled on to 
 the staithe, where they landed about 2.15 p.m., expect- 
 ing Noll with his skep of fish to be on the look-out for 
 them, but no Noll was there. 
 
 They hunted about for him, and inquired of various 
 people if they had seen him, and at last a man informed 
 them he had seen him an hour before, gloriously fuddled. 
 
 " He must be found somewhere, if only to know 
 where he had planted that half bushel of sizable fish," 
 said S . 
 
 A long search resulted in Noll's being found in a 
 hay-loft, snoring loudly on his sweet-smelling couch. 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 133 
 
 Those who found him lugged him to where S— 
 
 and Sandall were impatiently waiting, and casting 
 anxious eyes away across the broad on the look-out for 
 their rivals, who could not now be far off. 
 
 Noll was at once confronted by the irate S , and 
 
 on being interrogated confessed that he had swallowed 
 the half-crown in various intoxicants. 
 
 He was very talkative, and rambled on as fast as 
 his dazed brain and thick utterance would permit. 
 
 " Play fair, m' boy," hiccoughed Noll, " I like see 
 gen'l'men ac' square. Noll Nudd 'ont cheat no one. 
 Net hsh! (hie). That's no sport. Anyone net fish, 
 
 can't catch 'em! (hie). Bah! you're a d cheat, 
 
 that's what c'har ; so now, bor, yow know. Why, yow 
 offer me half-crown agin. I'll " 
 
 What he would have done in his elevated state no 
 
 one knows, for S , having had enough of the scene, 
 
 gave Noll a tip backward, and the fiery orator, with 
 a frantic grab at the tmaiding air, fell souse into the 
 water, from whence he was lugged, reeking with mud, 
 by Sandall. 
 
 You could smell him at the other end of the village, 
 for the mud on these broads, stagnant for centuries, 
 would put Cologne and its forty smells to the rout in 
 no time. Noll appeared no more till late in the evening, 
 when he was very crestfallen and humility itself. 
 
 Perhaps, after all, Noll was more than half right in 
 his quaint idea of right and wrong in other people, but 
 unfortunately he did not include himself when he said 
 
1134 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 to the half-crown, " Shall I drink you or give you 
 back?" 
 
 He admired honesty abroad, but omitted to look at 
 home. 
 
 "All's well that ends well," and at four o'clock the 
 four friends sat down to a couple of fine ducks, and so 
 keen had become their appetites that when they rose 
 there was little more left than of the rabbit pie — the 
 bones. 
 
 The moral of this story is, that anglers ever were 
 and ever will be desperate characters, prone to plot 
 and intrigue, but that with all their wily machinations 
 " waxtue " will triumph, and that patience and integrity 
 will gain a victory over sloth and rabbit pie any day, 
 though on this occasion " wartue " had a very near 
 squeak. 
 
 Broadland Records of Fish. 
 
 From the days of the Conqueror, Norfolk pike have 
 been noted both for their size and flavour. The sluggish 
 waters of the Bure, Wensum, Yare, Waveney, Ant, and 
 Chet are full of those fi.sh, but probably at the present 
 day they are not so numerous as in time long since 
 gone by. 
 
 The memoirs of the Paston family — ancient letters 
 still extant — and the records of the Monastery of St. 
 Benet's-at-Holme all point to large pike and perch 
 being formerly very numerous. In the centuries gone 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 135 
 
 by, there was a much greater area of water than in the 
 present day, and not nearly so many mouths to con- 
 sume the hsh. Villages now in existence, and contain- 
 ing several hundred inhabitants, living in neat cottages, 
 were then represented by hamlets of daub and wattle 
 hovels, scattered sparsely over the swampy area. 
 
 At the Abbey there was always an unlimited supply of 
 ' perche and pyke," or luce, as the latter was frequentl}^ 
 termed, and still is by heralds ; and when Friday came 
 round, no matter what the time of year, a few casts 
 of the net in the Abbey fish-pond would always result 
 in ample " piscine gobble " for the monks. 
 
 No doubt these ponds were continually replenished 
 from the Bure, which bounded the Abbey domain for 
 several hundred yards. 
 
 To lock back to monastic times is to look back to 
 a very dim past as to angling — ^we see such times 
 through a glass darkly, and its records may not always 
 be reliable — ^^vve will therefore come to the nineteenth 
 century, where a better light shines upon deeds pisca- 
 torial. 
 
 Who would think the Wensum and Yare guilty of 
 harbouring such fish as the toothsom^e trout and lordly 
 salmon ? 
 
 Surely the sluggish rivers of Norfolk would be the 
 last place for an angler to expect to find such swell 
 fish ; but that these fish did formerly haunt the East 
 Anglian streams is an undeniable {act, and they might 
 even now, but for the presence of factories, and possibly 
 
136 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 a certain amount of sewage whidh undoubtedly finds its 
 way into the rivers, if only in small quantities. 
 
 Early in the century, salmon and trout were occasion- 
 ally taken near the New Mills, at Norwidh, which were 
 then probably shaky with old age. Once known as the 
 New Mills they will sink to the ground in decay still 
 New. 
 
 In October, 18 16, a fine trout, weighing sixteen and a 
 quarter pounds, was taken from the Mill sluices. It was 
 in poor condition, and measured thirty-seven inches in 
 length. 
 
 To show that this was not a solitary instance, only 
 three days after, another one was caught — a monster, 
 weighing twenty-seven pounds, and measuring forty-one 
 inches in length. 
 
 Exactly twelve months later there is a record of a 
 fine male salmon-trout being taken from the Wensum, 
 in the vicinity of Norwich, which was forty inches long, 
 and weighed twenty-one pounds. 
 
 In February, 18 19, was caught a salmon, measuring 
 forty-eight inches long and weighing thirty-three 
 pounds. Its girth is given as twenty-three inches. The 
 notice adds : " These fish are frequently taken at the 
 same place." 
 
 It must be noted that the New Mills span the river 
 at Norwich, beyond which the fish cannot ascend, con- 
 sequently, the miller with an eye to business, would 
 watch his mill-dam for members of the salmon tribe, 
 whether trout or " My lord " himself. 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKIING. 137 
 
 A few ordinary lake trout have been caught in the 
 Bure, near Acle, during the past twenty years, and it 
 is very probable that if trout fry were turned into the 
 river in the neighbourhood of, say, Aylsham, they would 
 thrive, and gradually find their way from lock to lock 
 into the more open river below Coltishall, and from 
 thence into the open broads. 
 
 Two caught on a spoonbait some years since may 
 be seen in the bar parlour of the inn joining Acle 
 bridge. They were probably from three to four pounds 
 weight each. They are badly stuffed, and the strange 
 contour lines of their backs would suggest a close kin- 
 ship with the camel tribe, or they may be a new variety 
 — Salmo humpiana! 
 
 Black bass have been tried in these waters, and now 
 and again one surprises an angler who shows it around, 
 imagining he has captured some antediluvian fish that 
 has escaped Classification by British piscatorial savants. 
 
 Often the question is asked : " What is the weight 
 of the largest pike ever caught in Broadland ? " This 
 gives the oldest inhabitant, and indeed the whole 
 angling fraternity, a noble chance to chip into print 
 with some startlers ; we will not call them harsher 
 names, not even the elaborate " mendacious exaggera- 
 tions." 
 
 Where is the angler of any standing who has not 
 caug^ht a twenty-pound pike? 
 
 Where, indeed! He would be an unticketed 
 curiosity. Still, there may be an exceptionally truthful 
 
138 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 angler who has the temerity to say such a fish has not 
 fallen to his wiliness. 
 
 But wait! 
 
 Where is the angler of any pretensions to the art, 
 who will not swear that he has hooked a fish weighing 
 at least twenty pounds? only — ^weakness of tackle 
 caused the brute to break away. 
 
 Such an angler has yet to be found, and when he 
 is, a subscription should be set afoot to raise funds for 
 the purchase of a suit of pike-skin armour wherewith 
 to protect the hero from the assaults and scoffs of his 
 more enterprising brethren of the rod. 
 
 Oh! ye twenty-pounders! what lies have been told 
 in thy name! Yea, mole-hills have seemed beacons, 
 and hills have grown to mountains — ^while two runs 
 during a day have turned two mountains into whole 
 Himalayas or Andes. 
 
 Great Esox lucius, thou art indeed a whopper ! 
 
 Seriously : t\venty-pounders are occasionally .caught 
 in Norfolk public waters, but during any season they 
 might be counted on the fingers of one hand, without 
 the thumb being brought into requisition. 
 
 Over 400 pike were taken in the Waveney a few 
 years back during a single month (February), within 
 three miles of Beccles, but the largest of the whole 
 army was a bare sixteen pounds. 
 
 Still, anything over a dozen pounds is a very hajnd- 
 some fellow, and well worthy of the sportsman's skill 
 in the taking. A fifteen-pound pike would be about 
 
A FISBING YARN OF HICKLING. 139 
 
 thirty-six inches in length, and would give the lucky- 
 captor as much pleasure as the finding of a fifteen- 
 guinea watch — ^yet it would not be worth a tenth of 
 the value ; but he has caugh: a " gret 'un," and will, 
 with a little time and perseverance, persuade himself 
 that it weighed " well over twenty." 
 
 In 1890, old Watts, of Barton, was crossing the 
 broad w'hen he saw the snout of a large pike peeping 
 from between some vegetation. He balanced his quant 
 a la assegai and pierced its head, killing the monster 
 instantly. Result, twenty-two and three-quarter 
 pounds of fish for dinner. 
 
 The winter of 1889-90 was very severe all over 
 England, and especially so in Norfolk, where the frost 
 held for about nine or ten weeks, freezing up every 
 broad. When the thaw came many fine pike were 
 taken out dead from Ormesby, Rollesby, and Filby. 
 Among those weighed were quite a number between 
 seventeen and twenty pounds, two over twenty-one 
 pounds, and one wdl over twenty-four pounds. This 
 was picked up by Sam Richmond, son of the landlord 
 of the Sportsman's Arms. 
 
 There is not the slightest doubt that the old records 
 of thirty-pound pike taken during monastic, and even 
 more recent times, are quite authentic, because (Juring 
 the present century such fish have been captured, and 
 their weights duly taken and guaranteed by reliable 
 persons (non-anglers and J.P.'s). 
 
 Here are a few instances of authentic pike. 
 
I40 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Mr. English, near Norwich, took a pike of twenty- 
 four and three-quarter pounds on November 27th, 1883. 
 
 On April 21st, 1882, Mr. F. Johnson, while spinning, 
 captured a very fine fish at Euston Hall, which weighed 
 twenty-eight and a half pounds. 
 
 On February 24th, 1878, the efforts of Mr. Thorn 
 were rewarded, whilst fishing near Norwich, by his 
 landing a pike which scaled no less than twenty-nine 
 pounds. This feat was performed with snap-tackle. 
 
 Each of the above anglers thus far exceeded the 
 hopes of all fishermen — they had crossed the angler's 
 Rubicon, the twenty pound line, and were no doubt 
 duly and warrantably elated ; but there are at least 
 three others who have tasted the joys of the monkish 
 mediasval anglers, and 'have actually landed thirty 
 pounders! Just think of it, brothers of the bending 
 rod and rippling stream, thirty pounds of tugging, 
 rushing fish at one end of a rod and you at the other ! 
 It makes one tingle all over merely to think what the 
 sensation of playing a thirty-pounder must be like. 
 
 On November 8th, 1890, Mr. Pank, fishing with live 
 bait, took a pike exactly that size, and must be con- 
 gratulated on his performance. 
 
 One can almost imagine him entering the abode of 
 the taxidermist with his capture on his shoulder, and 
 hearing him say : " Now stuff it in your very best style, 
 and be very careful not to stretch the skin ! " 
 
 If we go back to April 2nd, 1872, we find a record 
 
A FISHING YARN OF HICKLING. 141 
 
 of the taking of a thirty-two pound pike, but both these 
 leviathans were edipsed by one caught in the Bure in 
 1830, which measured forty-nine inches long, twenty- 
 seven inches in girth, and weighed thirty-five pounds! 
 Now such a noble fellow as that could not be wasted, 
 and accordingly a special messenger was dispatched 
 with it to London, where Mr. H. N. Burroughs pre- 
 sented it to his Majesty William IV. 
 
 " Was not it a dainty dish 
 To set before a king," 
 
 and what a lot of veal stuffing it would take ,to fill 
 up its wac-u-um! 
 
 We know of a king* who often stuffs pike, but here 
 the order was reversed, for we read his Majesty had 
 the noble fish served upon his table at Windsor. 
 
 Bream in the Yare are as plentiful as pilchards on 
 the Cornish coast, a fact well known to Norwich 
 anglers who flock down the river to Cantley, Bramer- 
 ton, Brundall, and ,Buckenham in crowds. 
 
 Some of the catches they make of the sh'my old 
 " bellows," as they term them from their shape, are 
 extraordinary. They do not weigh in by the ounce or 
 pound, but frequently by the stone (of fourteen 
 pounds). 
 
 Five, six, seven, and even more stones have fallen 
 to a single angler in one day — but not every day! 
 
 ^■' The taxidermist of N'orwich. 
 
142 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Such catches only occur at times — unstated times, 
 for unfortunately there is no " royal road " to making 
 a bag. 
 
 Bream have to be fished for patiently, and as '' all 
 things come to him who waits," so one day the patience 
 of the modem Cotton is rewarded, and he staggerri 
 home, covered with perspiration and glory, his bosom 
 swelling with pride as he dumps down three or four 
 stone of slimy fish at the feet of his admiring spouse, 
 or to his everlasting fame and delight, places a like 
 weight of bream after his name in the annals of tiie 
 " Tarradiddlers' Angling Club." 
 
 Probably the greatest take of bream during the past 
 century was on the 12th August, 181 8, at Buckenham, 
 on the Yare, when two rods in the course of the day 
 landed fifteen stone, or 210 lbs. 
 
 Bream, however, are not confined to the Bucken- 
 ham district, as we may learn from the following par- 
 ticulars, culled from various rehable sources. 
 
 The summer of 1897 was a very hot one, and the 
 takes of bream on all the broads and rivers extrar 
 ordinary. It was a source of wonder that such shoals 
 of fish should mobilize and allow themselves to be 
 caught, for big bags" were made by quite mediocre 
 anglers, exemplifying the adage that "the biggest 
 thingamys have the best luck." 
 
 Here are a few details of catches during the summer 
 of 1897. 
 
 On July 31st, a party of ten anglers, fishing from 
 
A I'ISHING YARN OF IJICKLING, 143 
 
 five boats, each with one rod, took 280 lbs. of bream 
 from one shoal in Hickling Broad. 
 
 On the very same day, and on the same broad, four 
 anglers belonging to a London Club, called the Friendly 
 Anglers' Society (probably to distinguish themselves 
 from some other bloodthirsty brotherhood), landed 
 seventy-nine bream weighing 176 lbs. 
 
 This would give an average of precisely thirty-six 
 ounces for each fish, making probably an unique record 
 for average weight 
 
 It is sad to think these poor fellows would hapl}' 
 have to pay ,for excess luggage on their return to 
 London. 
 
 Wroxham Broad — the deepest of the Norfolk 
 lagoons — ^yielded fine sport, for on August lOth, Mr. 
 Pitts and his friend, Mr. Steward, took 140 lbs. of 
 bream, and next day with the able assistance of Mrs. 
 Pitts, no less than 157 lbs. in the short space of about 
 six hours. 
 
 In August, too, on Hickling, two ,rods took 155 lbs. 
 in a single day, and so ad infinihim. 
 
 These records seem to say : 
 
 Hot weather for bream, 
 
 And cold for pike, 
 But for perch and for roach 
 
 Just whenever they like." 
 
 Mr. Beard (of Norwich), fishing with Marcom, landed 
 
144 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 just one hundredweight — ^this was in August, 1897, at 
 Buckenham. 
 
 Think of these mighty doings, ye anglers of dykes 
 and canal banks, who weigh in by ounces, and often 
 stiggle about a drachm or dram — spell it either way, 
 and it will hit the case very well. 
 
 To go into the records of perch and roach would 
 take too long and require too much space in a book 
 of this kind, where humour rather than solemn fact is 
 aimed at ; we will therefore turn from aggregate weight 
 to size of individual hsh, and see how the addition of 
 a certain European fish would affect the Broads. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE ADVENT OF SILURUS GLANIS. 
 
 In former times there was a large fish caught in the 
 Shannon and other Irish rivers of the above classical 
 name, but although it is now extinct in Ireland, one 
 was caug'ht in the Essex river Stour only a few years 
 since, and brought to London for examination and 
 aiuthentication. 
 
 At the present day these fish are found in con- 
 siderable numbers in the rivers of Eastern Europe, 
 more especially in the Dneiper, Don, Bugg, and Vistula. 
 They are not small fish by any means, as they run to 
 about six feet in length, and sometimes attain as much 
 as eight feet. They weigh about as much as an 
 ordinary man — that is, anything between nine and 
 twelve stone. 
 
 This is the fish Ernest Sufiling, in 1897, advocated 
 should be tried in the Broads, as he could not see why 
 the introduction of such a fish should not have a bene- 
 ficial result in keeping down the price of butchers' meat 
 in the numerous but poor Broadland villages. He 
 surmised that the thing could be easily done. " Catch 
 
 K 
 
146 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 the young fry," said he, " pop them in properly aerated 
 tanks, ship them from Constcintinople, and on ajrrival 
 place them in the upper waters of the three rivers 
 (Yare, Bure, and Waveney), and in due time ,we should 
 have those rivers well-stocked with these ihne fish. 
 The muddy rivers would suit them admirably, and they 
 would get as fat as butter, and as lazy as pigs, to the 
 delight of all frequenters of our rivers during the 
 summer." 
 
 But the thinking man has his doubts on these 
 matters; granting that these fish might be easily 
 brought over and acclimatized, yet what would follow. 
 
 Let us see, let us look forward a little, so as to give 
 the little siluri time to grow big. 
 
 We can obtain all the information we require by 
 looking over the truthful columns of the local press. 
 Ah! here is a paragraph in the Stalham Starcher of 
 March pth, 19 lo. 
 
 " That noble fish (the Silurus Glanis) appears to be 
 doing well in our rivers. The quietude of the district 
 appears to suit them, and the fat, oozy mud seems to 
 give them an ideal habitat Many fine fellows have 
 been taken this season, close up to the town staithe, 
 many of them weighing from forty to fifty pounds each, 
 while one, which was killed by being crushed by a 
 wherry, under Wayford Bridge, scaled over five 
 stone. 
 
 " We would remind our readers that these are only 
 baby fish to what we may expect in a few years." 
 
THE ADVENT OF SILURUS GLANIS. 147 
 
 Here is another comment^ culled from that bright 
 little brochure^ the Barton Bungler^ July, 191 2. 
 
 " The CJiildren and the New Fish. 
 
 " The village children appear to have quite taken to 
 the huge fish, of which our Broad appears to have an 
 ample stock, we allude to the Siluri, which they now 
 call the ' Glenny.' 
 
 , " Naturally ' Silurus Glanis ' is a too scientific name 
 for their little tongues to utter, and the name they have 
 hit upon is a 'happy one, and from its rhyming qualities 
 very helpful to the poet 
 
 " It is a pretty sight to see the chubby children 
 troop down to the Broad as soon as school is over, to 
 watch and feed the beautiful Glennies," etc., etc. 
 
 From the columns of the Hickling Hooter^ of 
 August 17th, 191 3, we obtain another notice of a some- 
 what similar kind. 
 
 " The Glennies in the Broad appear to be wonder- 
 fully intelligent, many remarkable incidents having come 
 to our notice, one or two of which we will briefly chronicle. 
 
 " It has now become a recognised practice among 
 the school children to stream off straight from the 
 school-house, at four o'clock, when their lessons for 
 the day cease, to the Broad side, where they feed the 
 huge Glennies on whatever remnants they have left 
 from their own dinners, or on scraps of meat, lobworms, 
 or other food acceptable to the Silurus. 
 
148 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 " But the curious fact is that the intelligent fish have 
 learned that shortly after the school bell rings (to let 
 the children's parents know that school is over) they 
 will be fed, and accordingly they come as far out of 
 the water upon the sloping staithe as the fleetness of 
 the water will allow, where they lie and wallow 
 while they await the children's arrival. 
 
 " Again ; they 'have learned to discriminate between 
 a boat loaded with rushes and one loaded with hay. 
 The latter they will follow quite across the Broad, 
 tugging away at the sweet grass which trails in the 
 water, and of which they are inordinately fond.'* 
 
 The Cat-field Cuckoo^ of the 28th November, 191 3, 
 says: 
 
 "No more semi-starvation during the winter for the 
 labouring classes ! We are glad to say that the catches 
 of Glenny during the week have been good, many fish 
 weighing up to 145 lbs. each having been taken, 
 
 " Prime cuts may be had at threepence per pound, 
 to the extent of say twenty pounds, while the remainder 
 of the fish finds ready purchasers at one penny per 
 pound. 
 
 " These parts keep well when thoroughly salted and 
 stored in a cool place, or if well dried and kept packed 
 in sawdust. 
 
 " We may note that Mr. Lowblow, of Yarmouth, has 
 started a Glenny kippery, and finds a very ready sale 
 for the fish, when kippered a lovely glossy mahogany 
 colour, at the uniform price of twopence per pound." 
 
THE ADVENT OF SILURUS GLANIS. 149 
 
 Now comes a note of warning — not the first, by-the-bye 
 — but the first on which we can place the editorial digits. 
 
 It is from the Wroxham Wobbler, January, 19 14, 
 anent the curious hybrid lucius-silurus, or as it is 
 popularly called, pike-glenny. It says : 
 
 " A War fling to Afiglers. 
 
 "We would caution any readers who may angle on 
 the Broads, that many cases of the ferocity of the pike- 
 glenny have been brought to our notice. 
 
 " During December no less than four cases were 
 treated in our Cottage Hospital, all of them being from 
 bites of the pike-glenny. 
 
 " One gentleman was so severely bitten about the 
 hand and wrist that amputation of the limb at the 
 elbow was resorted to. He was a stranger from 
 London, and had never seen a seventy-pound pike- 
 glenny before, and was foolish enough to attempt to 
 drag the fish ashore with his naked hands, not 
 apparently ever having heard of the necessary steel- 
 plated gauntlets used by our local anglers when angling 
 for this ferocious fish. 
 
 " Another hospital case was that of a well-known 
 resident, whose proud boast it is that for twenty-five 
 years he has not missed having his dip in the Broad, 
 winter or summer, except when covered with ice. 
 
 " The unfortunate gentleman was seized by a big 
 pike-glenny and dragged completely under water. 
 
I50 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " It is surmised that the fish mistook the gentleman's 
 leg for a frost-bitten carrot, of which the former are 
 very fond, and upon which they have been recently 
 
 fed. Mr. is recovering rapidly, the mouthful of 
 
 calf of which he was robbed having been, thanks to 
 surgical science, replaced from a prime cut of rump 
 steak from the Norfolk beast which gained the award 
 in the recent Cattle Show in London. 
 
 "In face of these accidents it behoves visitors 
 angling on the Broad to be careful. We may add "that 
 the pike-glenny may be known from the common pike 
 by the fact that although very young, it is three times 
 the size of the latter. It is also a much more powerful 
 fish, and when drawn from the water barks in a manner 
 suggestive of that of the mastiff. Its teeth are in three 
 rows, very long and massive." 
 
 Among the advertisements is one we here copy. 
 
 " To Pike-Glenny Fishermen. Why imperil your 
 limbs when you can buy a pair of Snorter's celebrated 
 glenny gauntlets for half a sovereign? Warranted 
 good English leather and finest stamped steel." 
 
 The Stokesby Siffleur for May 30th, 191 7, edited 
 by a French gentleman, speaks highly of the Silurus 
 Glanis and its powers of receiving v/hat he terms an 
 education of 'tractability, and refers to its suitability 
 for draught or traction. 
 
 He speaks in eulogistic terms of Mr. F , of 
 
 Runham, who has tamed a pair of huge glennies (each 
 about seven feet in length), in such a manner that with 
 
THE ADVENT OF SJLURUS GLANIS. 151 
 
 high leather traces, bridles (of the muzzle pattern) and 
 reins, he can attach them to his little boat and be 
 drawn at a very fair rate to whatsoever place he may 
 wish to go. 
 
 The editor adds that Mr. F , having a long white 
 
 beard, makes an ideal Neptune, and suggests that he 
 shall build another boat in the form of an aquatic car. 
 
 Here is another cutting which clearly proves that 
 the glenny is capable of becoming a keen rival to the 
 turf. 
 
 Hornmg Howler, September 2nd, 191 /. 
 
 " The race between Mr. F of Runham's glenny 
 
 * Torpedo,' and Sir E. L h glenny ' Incompush- 
 
 able,' took place on Thursday last before a large con- 
 course of people. 
 
 " The course was from the Ferry Inn to Hoveton 
 Broad Current Carr and back. 
 
 " George Sloan, son of the veteran Tod Sloan, rode 
 
 * Incompushable,' while young Grimshaw held the reins 
 and trident (whips being unusable) on * Torpedo.' 
 
 " The former glenny started favourite at six to four. 
 Such an immense crowd has never thronged the river 
 banks as on this occasion, 
 
 " Sloan appeared to sit very low in the water, and 
 but very little of his well-oiled body could be seen, 
 indeed at times only his neck and head were visible. 
 
 " Grimshaw, who had trained himself to a perfect 
 skeleton for the race, only scaled five stone six pounds. 
 His idea was evidently to minimize the water 
 
152 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 resistance as much as possible. He sat well out of 
 the water, his slender, even effeminate waist being 
 plainly visible. 
 
 " The race was grand. First one and then the other 
 showing ahead, indeed at the Current Carr, where the 
 turn was made, only a length separated the two racers. 
 ' Incompushable ' here showed splendid tail work, and 
 Sloan was taken round in about four flaps of the 
 glenny's huge caudal fin. 
 
 " * Torpedo,' when half-way along the home course, 
 appeared to tire, and despite Grimshaw's splendid 
 riding, gradually fell in the rear, so much so, that, when 
 half a mile from the winning post the race looked like a 
 dead certainty for * Incompushable,' who swam with 
 great speed and strength, and was quite six lengths 
 ahead. 
 
 " But the battle is not always to the strong. 
 
 "At this point (the Elder Carr) a happy idea 
 occurred to Grimshaw. He suddenly released his feet 
 from the stirrups and rode side-saddle. 
 
 " This proved the turning point in the race, for his 
 spare ribs and thin flank offered such little resistance 
 to the water that ' Torpedo ' at once accelerated his 
 speed, and so much did the change benefit him, that 
 despite his opponent's gamest efforts to retain the lead, 
 he (' Torpedo ') won by his gills, or as we should say 
 on the turf — a short head. 
 
 " A great deal of money changed hands on the race." 
 
THE AD VENT OF SIL UR US G LAN IS. 1 5 3 
 
 Between the date of this race and the year 1924, a 
 period of seven years, a great change appears to have 
 taken place, a change deeply to be deplored. 
 
 A curious war, a racial war appears to have broken 
 out between the fierce and terrible pike-glenny and the 
 harmless, gentle glenny (the true Silurus Glanis). 
 Every week the water bailiffs of the various broads 
 and rivers reported finding the huge carcases of the 
 glennies floating upon the surface of the water, muti- 
 lated and dead, and now and again the body of a 
 pike-glenny which had been killed. 
 
 From some unknown cause the former appeared to 
 be waging a war of extermination among the latter, 
 and it was computed that during the years 1922-3, up- 
 wards of seven thousand glennies were picked up dead, 
 many of them being enormous fish, so heaVy that 
 horses had to be requisitioned to draw them from the 
 water. 
 
 The pike-glenny, although small in comparison to 
 the true-bred fish, was nevertheless a formidable fellow, 
 and frequently attained a length of seven feet and a 
 weight of from 200 to 250 pounds. 
 
 It may be stated that the head was exactly one 
 quarter of the total length, and its mouth enormous. 
 Its teeth ranged from an inch to two inches in length, 
 and were in several rows. 
 
 By 1924, the true Glenny was no more. It had 
 become extinct — annihilated by the ferocious hybrid, 
 which had become so fierce and so enormously 
 
154 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 increased in numbers that the broads were deserted by 
 the usual throngs of anglers and summer visitors. 
 
 True, the electric steamers still plied, and the 
 wherries (now sailless and driven by electric motors) 
 also used the rivers, but rowing-boats were seldom 
 seen on the shallower waters, for it was known that 
 by using their tails on the mud the awful pike-glennies 
 could leap into a rowing-boat and maim the occupants, 
 unless the latter were provided with strong gauntlets 
 and firearms. 
 
 From the Acle Ranter, of March, 1924, we obtain 
 the following : 
 
 *' The Pike-Glenny Doomed at Last. 
 
 " In consequence of the great loss of limb and even 
 life that has recently taken place among those who 
 use our rivers as a means of securing a livelihood, the 
 various parishes contiguous to the broads have decided 
 to raise a fund, by the imposition of a small rate, by 
 which the pike-glenny may be entirely extirpated from 
 our waterways. 
 
 " The central committee authorise us to convey to 
 our readers the fact that two shillings will be paid for 
 every head of a pike-glenny brought to the chief 
 exterminator, at .the Pound, Ludham Bridge, that being 
 the centre chosen for the whole district." 
 
 Thousands, we read, were brought in, but alas ! the 
 big ones proved much too wily and strong to be caught 
 by ordinary means. 
 
THE AD VENT OF SIL UR US GLANIS. 1 5 5 
 
 Four men lost their lives in one month by being 
 attacked by the old bulls, who fight like demons, and 
 human arms and legs were so frequently mangled that 
 a surgeon was located at the Pound House. 
 
 Quite a pile of wooden legs and arms were stacked 
 in the lobby of the worthy gentleman's surgery ready 
 for fitting to victims after amputations. 
 
 Strong nets failed to hold the older and heavier 
 fish, who ustd their huge teeth to cut the meshes, and 
 even wire nets were pierced by the powerful creatures. 
 
 Gradually, however, by the use of iron ring netting, 
 lent by the Admiralty, the remnants of the pike- 
 glennies, to the number of from 2,000 to 3,000, were 
 gradually rounded up by the aid of scores of torpedo 
 nets and iron-sheathed boats, and driven into Ranworth 
 Broad, which, having but one entrance, forms a cul- 
 de-sac. 
 
 Now came the time for slaughtering the captives, 
 and this ,was planned to be carried out by boatloads 
 of men armed with lances, swords, and axes, ordinary 
 rifle-bullets having failed to pierce the armour-like 
 scales of the monsters, except perhaps occasionally, 
 when they came very near the surface. 
 
 From the Ranworth Rattler, of October, 1925, 
 we find 'that the attack in a great measure failed. 
 
 " Thursday was a sad day for Ranwor'th, as during 
 the extermination of the empounded pike-glennies two 
 boats, each containing five men, were overturned, and 
 their crews thrown among the enraged fish. 
 
156 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " Other boats closed round and did what they could 
 to assist the poor fellows, but although two of them 
 were dragged into boats comparatively unhurt, yet 
 three lost their legs (they were mangled and afterwards 
 amputated), and four lost their lives, being dragged 
 down into the mud and literally torn to shreds. 
 
 " The authorities at Yarmouth have been asked to 
 take the matter in hand, and a subscription is on foot 
 for the wives and families of those lost and maimed in 
 Thursday's battle." 
 
 At length the end was reached, as we learn from the 
 able pen of the editor of the Martham Mardler, of 
 April 28 th, 1926. 
 
 " Victory at Last. 
 
 " It is with feelings of great pleasure that we are 
 enabled to chronicle the entire extirpation of that 
 dreaded scourge of our beautiful inland waters — the 
 pike-glenny. We trust the announcement may be the 
 means of bringing back the great numbers of pleasure- 
 seekers, who, during the closing years of last century, 
 and in fact until recently, used annually to make the 
 broads their playground. 
 
 " On Wednesday last a contingent of sailors and 
 marines were sent from Yarmouth to Ranworth, being 
 conveyed in two large electric wagons ; a company of 
 
THE ADVENT OF SILURUS GLANIS. 157 
 
 the Royal Engineers also landed per electric aeroplane 
 from Norwich. 
 
 " Being first on the field the naval men, aided by their 
 good friends the ' jollies,' took the onerous task in 
 hand. 
 
 " The marines, placed by fours in iron protected 
 boats, .commenced by firing steel-pointed and explosive 
 bullets, and with some mead of success, as in less than 
 an hour they killed about fifty of the monsters, and 
 succeeded in driving the greater xiumber of the vast 
 shoal to one end of the broad, where the tars had laid 
 several small mines and many single charges of dyna- 
 mite in mining cartridges. 
 
 " At a given signal the marines retired in their boats, 
 whereupon the mines and dynamite cartridges were 
 exploded by electricity. 
 
 "A tremendous upheaval of mud and water took 
 place, the stench of the released gases nearly over- 
 coming those of the gallant fellows who happened to 
 be nearest, in fact, brandy had to be administered to 
 several of the more severe cases. 
 
 " Strange to say, however, the mighty explosion did 
 very little damage to the pike-glennies, not more than 
 from eighty to one hundred being killed and stunned. 
 
 " Probably the immense body of mud at the bottom 
 of the broad nullified the force of the concussion, 
 and acted as a soft pad between the explosives and 
 the fish. 
 
 " Could the mighty lish have been prevailed upon to 
 
158 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 put their heads out of the water they would have been 
 asphyxiated — one whiff would have settled the strongest 
 — but knowing something diabolical was in hand, the 
 wily denizens of the lagoons buried themselves deeply 
 in the mud, where they were comparatively safe. 
 
 " The Engineers, who had by this time arrived, stood 
 looking on, and were equally surprised at the result 
 with their comrades, expecting to see hundreds of the 
 pike-glennies blown up by the large charges used. 
 
 " They soon formulated a plan of their own, and 
 with the aid of the tars and marines proceeded to place 
 their theory into practise. 
 
 " Sergeant-Major Squish, who was in charge, had all 
 the torpedo nets lashed together with copper wire. 
 This gave him a total length of nearly a quarter of a 
 mile of impregnable netting. 
 
 " This huge iron-ringed net was then fastened to the 
 bows of a score of large boats filled with marines and 
 sailors, who, starting from one end of the broad, used 
 their novel net as a wall to drive the pike-glenny to 
 the smaller end of the broad. 
 
 " This movement was successfully accomplished, 
 when the two ends were quietly brought round, in what 
 the gallant Sergeant-Major termed a flanking operation 
 being gradually brought nearer and nearer until the 
 great fish were completely circled in. 
 
 " Still the movement was continued — the two ends 
 being taken in opposite directions, and circularly, until 
 a double cordon or wall of iron rings was drawn com- 
 
THE ADVENT OF SILURUS GLANIS. 159 
 
 pletely round the struggling mass of fish, who fought 
 desperately with each other when they found them- 
 selves entrapped without any means of escape. 
 
 " Now came the clever part of the Sergeant-Major's 
 device. He ordered the electric wagons with their powerful 
 batteries to be drawn close down to the margin of the 
 water, the aerostat battery being also called into requi- 
 sition and placed 'beside the wagons. 
 
 " Wires were now connected to the three powerful 
 batteries, and their united power presently brought into 
 action upon the ringed netting, which formed a splendid 
 conductor and completed the circuit. 
 
 " AH this was carried out under the instructions of 
 Sergeant-Major Squish in less than two hours — a very 
 smart performance. 
 
 " The circuit being complete, the little knob was 
 pressed, and such a pow^erful electric current passed 
 through the net that many of the dreadful monsters 
 were killed immediately. Soon scores and even hun- 
 dreds of the great hsh lay motionless and dead on the 
 surface of the water they had so long infested 
 
 " Dynamite cartridges were then exploded in various 
 parts of the circle (which it must be remembered was 
 only about seventy yards in diameter), with a view of 
 frightening the hsh and making them rush about to 
 escape, and so causing them to come into contact with 
 the highly electrically-charged nets. 
 
 "This plan was entirely successful, and in less than 
 three hours the entire shoal were floating in piles upon 
 
i6o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 the surface, where they looked like a pond filled with 
 floating logs : electrocution had been entirely successful. 
 
 " The soldiers and sailors deserve the utmost praise 
 for the way in which they did their work ; they worked 
 together like one man and with one accord. 
 
 "A fund is being raised to purchase the discharge 
 of Sergeant-Major Squish, who will be in due course 
 installed as mine host in a Norwich inn. This reward 
 the fine fellow has nobly merited, and we hope that 
 having been successful in the army he may make a 
 successful Bung in our cathedral city. 
 
 " By the way, some of the pike-glennies were of 
 tremendous size and weigtht, several being upwards of 
 eight feet in length, four feet in girth, and drawing the 
 beam at more than four hundredweight. 
 
 '* The two finest, when stuffed, will be presented to the 
 Sergeant-Major to hang in his bar. 
 
 " Now, once more the little children may enjoy their 
 water frolics, and young men and maidens in their 
 boats on a Sunday afternoon be wafted by gentle 
 zephyrs whithersoever their fancy leads them without 
 fear. May love be at the prow and pleasure at the 
 helm." 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 
 
 No apology is needed to Sir Walter Scott for the 
 above heading, as it is not intended as a companion to 
 his " Tales o£ a Grandfather," neither has it any con- 
 nection with Darwin's " Tails of our Forefathers," and 
 less with Prodson's " Taels of the Mandarins." They 
 are merely true tales of a grandmother who was born 
 towards the end of the eighteenth century, and who 
 had a very vivid remembrance of her childhood at the 
 beginning of the nineteenth. 
 
 The writer's grandmother, who was born in 1796, 
 lived till 1892, retaining all her faculties till the last, 
 her " untimely " death being the result of a broken leg, 
 and melancholia produced by the thoughts of her help- 
 lessness and the trouble she might give to others. 
 
 " Fancy me living all these years and then having 
 to be waited upon like a little child." And the thought 
 (and constant confinement) hastened her end. 
 
 Her childhood and girlhood were spent in the little 
 coast village of Palling, of which parish her father was 
 lord of the manor and chief landowner. 
 
 L 
 
i62 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 To lovers of East Norfolk her reminiscences may 
 prove acceptable. 
 
 When she was a girl the system of drainage, when 
 not totally absent, was very inefEcient, so much so, 
 that the country around Palling was little more than 
 a swamp or fen. What is now the Commissioners' 
 Drain was then a meandering river in summer, and a 
 very respectable broad in winter, so that navigation 
 was possible from Lessingham to Palling (through 
 Ingham), but now corn and mangold, barley and beet, 
 take the place of the rank tussocky marsh grass which 
 was formerly the only crop — in other words, beef-land 
 is turned into bread-land ; corn takes the place of 
 cows. 
 
 Calthorpe Broad, now a private pond or lake of eight 
 or ten acres, was then a goodly pool varying from 
 twenty to thirty acres, according to the time of 
 year, but drainage and filling in has so brought the 
 water within bounds, that it is now a pretty little pool 
 for the preservation of pike and rudd, together with a 
 few perch and roach. 
 
 Several broads which were in existence in grandam's 
 young days, are now soHd agriculturail land, producing 
 fine crops. 
 
 Of these, Smallburgh Broad was one. The old lady 
 remembers frequent excursions upon it, but nothing of 
 it remains at the present day except two broad dykes, 
 each about a mile in length. Probably the reclaimed 
 land in the parish cannot be less than a hundred acres. 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 163 
 
 In the adjoining parish was, and is, Dilham Broad. 
 It was, years ago, a fine sheet of water, spreading and 
 extending in all directions according to the amount of 
 rain which fell from October till March, but the cutting 
 of the North Walsham Canal through one part of it, 
 the raising of a canal bank and lock, and the subse- 
 quent dam thrown across another part, have so dimin- 
 ished its area that what now remains is merely a huge, 
 picturesque mill-dam. Without a doubt the nineteenth 
 century wrought a great change in the aspect and area 
 of all the broads, with perhaps one or two minor 
 exceptions; indeed from a study of old maps and the 
 inspection of the surroundings of the broads them- 
 selves, the writer assumes that there has been a shrink- 
 age of something like thirty per cent in the water area 
 of the broads during the century. 
 
 Not only has the area diminished, but in several 
 instances broads have entirely disappeared. In 18 10, 
 towards Yarmouth, between Waxham and Winterton, 
 was a large fen, in the midst of which stood Horsey, a 
 mere hamlet with an ancient church, and but a handful 
 of inhabitants ; while through the village was a single 
 cart track, called by a courteous stretch of imagination 
 a road. It was so soft and boggy, and bad for vehicles, 
 that during the winter and wet seasons people using 
 it used to carry faggots or sheaves of reed on their 
 carts to throw down in bad places, to prevent the 
 vehicles sticking fast, and to bridge over otherwise im- 
 passable gaps caused by running water. 
 
i64 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 It was not till grandmother was a woman grown, 
 that is about 1820, that Mr. Robert Rising, of Horsey 
 Hall, undertook the practical drainage of the parish, 
 by which means he recovered several hundred acres 
 of fen and turned it into meadow and arable land. 
 
 He made roads through the parish from place to 
 place, and, in short, turned an isolated dismal swamp 
 into a valuable estate. He also shot and preserved one 
 of the finest collection of wild-fowl ever brought 
 together by a private person. Rising did for Horsey 
 what Coke did for Holkham, made an estate out of a 
 howling wilderness. 
 
 Horsey Mere, which now covers about 120 acres, was 
 in the early years of the century of vastly greater 
 dimensions, ranging from 200 to 250 acres. 
 
 Horsey pike have ever been famous, even in Broad- 
 land, both for size and toothsomeness. 
 
 At Somerton, in the old lady's time, there were two 
 broads, one of about thirty acres, and the other about 
 three times that acreage, but by careful drainage they 
 both disappeared many years ago, and where fish once 
 swam corn now waves; so that the inhabitants reap 
 a cereal instead of a piscine harvest. So soon is geo- 
 graphical history blotted out that probably very few of 
 the present inhabitants of the parish know of the former 
 existence of broads in their midst. 
 
 But now, after these dry details, for drainage and 
 reclaiming is drying work, we will allow the old lady 
 to use her own tongue and words, and relate a little 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 165 
 
 story. Whether it is a lively or a deadly tale the 
 reader must judge for himself. We will call it 
 
 THE BOLD MAIDENS. 
 
 I remember that during one winter, about 1812, 
 when I was a girl of sixteen, the coast was visited by 
 a terrible storm, and the sea rolled in in such massive 
 breakers that it was impossible for any boat to be 
 launched, because in those days it must be remembered 
 lifeboats were unknown. 
 
 News came to the Manor House that a vessel had 
 struck the sands but a short distance from the shore ; 
 this was just as we had finished dinner, and in those 
 days we dined at noon, because we rose very early. 
 
 There was no turning day into night, or night into 
 day in my young times ; folks rose early, had their meals 
 at proper times, and went to bed as they ought to — 
 early. God made the day for man and his work, and 
 night for his repose, or had He intended us to use the 
 night He would probably have given us eyes like the 
 cat, the owl, the bat, and other night creatures. 
 
 I remember, at the news, my father jumped up from 
 the arm-chair in which he always sat at the head of the 
 table, and shouted loudly for his horse, " Beauty," to 
 be saddled. She was a beauty too ; tall and black and 
 glossy as satin, while right in the centre of her fore- 
 head was a white blaze, which I used fancifully to call 
 " The Star of Beauty," 
 
i66 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 The wind was howling around the tall gables of the 
 old house, and bellowing down the chimneys, while 
 the rain lashed the windows in sudden squalls that 
 threatened to break the little diamond panes. It came 
 down in such torrents that the sky was quite overcast, 
 and it appeared like evening more than a little past 
 noon. 
 
 When father put on his leather leggings and his big 
 overcoat, I commenced to don my foul weather gar- 
 ments, but he quickly stopped me with: 
 
 "Why, my child^ are you mad? Take off those 
 things immediately, and mind, I forbid your going on 
 the beach. Keep indoors and entertain your friend, 
 and on my return you shall have a full account of what 
 transpires. Good-bye, my darling ! " 
 
 Then springing upon Beauty's back he rode away 
 through the storm in the direction of the beach. 
 
 But as soon as he departed we felt so lonely, my 
 friend, Annie Page, and I, that we disobediently re- 
 solved to bundle up in thick wraps and go down to the 
 beach to see what was taking place for ourselves. 
 
 So disregarding my dad's emphatic command, like 
 wayward girls, we went. 
 
 Oh! it was a dreadful day, and the half -frozen rain 
 lashed into our faces till they tingled again, and soon 
 saturated and spoiled our little " kiss curls," which were 
 so much in fashion just before Waterloo. 
 
 Away we trotted through the deep mud, and soon 
 reached the beach, where the wind seemed to sting and 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 167 
 
 bite more than ever; for it was from the sea, nearly 
 due east, and laden with frigid spray, which hurtled 
 through the keen air and pricked our faces like thorns. 
 
 We could see nothing of the doomed ship ; but there 
 were the black billows, leaping and exploding into 
 white cascades, sending the frothy foam flying far in- 
 land. Groups of men and women were standing on 
 the wind-swept shore, bending and shouting to each 
 other, and pointing excitedly towards the sea. I re- 
 member they looked like little black marionettes stand- 
 ing out from the white background of crashing breakers. 
 
 We joined one of the groups, and ascertained that 
 the ship was rapidly breaking up. 
 
 Father had ridden along the beach to ascertain if 
 anyone had been washed ashore, and we presently saw 
 him trotting slowly back, his horse being quite close 
 to the sea, with the water sometimes up to its knees. 
 
 He was so intent in scanning the waves that we felt 
 quite safe from his searching eyes, muffled up as we 
 were, and mingling with the little groups of men and 
 women who shivered or " duddered " in their saturated 
 clothes. 
 
 Suddenly I saw father pull up his horse and point 
 out to sea, and wave his arms, and shout to a group of 
 men near him ; then came a great confusion and bustle, 
 as excited men in oily frocks seized the yawl and began 
 to push her towards the sea. 
 
 I too would have helped as the other women did, 
 but I was afraid father would discover me and send 
 
1 68 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 me home, for the open beach in such a storm was no 
 place for a young girl of sixteen. So Annie and I stood 
 and clung to each other and watched, trembling with 
 cold and excitement. 
 
 I remember the men scrambling into the boat, others 
 pushing off with oars and long poles, while shouts went 
 up that sailors could be seen floating in the breakers, 
 buoyed up by pieces of wreck. 
 
 Then as we forced our way to the shore, for the wind 
 was so great that it nearly threw us off our feet, we 
 saw the great white yawl capsize, and throw its crew 
 of more than a dozen men into the angry sea. It was 
 indeed a terrible sight, and Annie and I forgetting our- 
 selves screamed aloud. 
 
 Other men threw themselves into the " send " of the 
 great breakers, to tlie rescue of their comrades, and 
 soon, with the aid of long ropes and also by human 
 ropes made by men linking their hands together, all 
 were saved, though one poor fellow had his thigh-bone 
 broken, and another was struck by floating wreckage 
 and seriously injured about the head and shoulders. 
 
 Dear me, how the wind did blow to be sure ; it cut 
 off the tops of the billows and whirled them in great 
 yeasty puffs far up the beach, right to the marram banks, 
 covering everything and everybody as it flew landward ; 
 that biting east wind pierced one to the very marrow. 
 
 Again came the cry that sailors could be seen 
 tossing about on the wild black water, just behind the 
 breakers, and as they neared the shore, Annie and I 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 169 
 
 could discern certain shapeless black objects heaving 
 about helplessly and erratically in the cruel sea, and 
 which we were told were really human beings struggling 
 for dear life. Gazing at those indistinct and frequently 
 invisible "spots," sometimes above and sometimes be- 
 neath the surface, I remember thinking to myself : 
 
 " Can those tiny helpless little things be micn? What 
 specks of humanity they appear! Too insignificant to 
 have feehng, and hope, and sorrow, and the many other 
 attributes of men ; too small to bear the great brave 
 hearts of British mariners ! " 
 
 Suddenly, while these strange thoughts of man's in- 
 significance were occupying my brains, I saw my father 
 suddenly drive his spurs into poor Beauty's flanks and 
 turn her head straight for the sea. 
 
 A crowd at once rushed to the spot, and we with the rest. 
 
 Beauty rose on her hind legs and dashed through a 
 great billow, and to my horror disappeared. 
 
 I clung to Annie, fancying I had seen the last of my 
 dear father, and bitterly regretted having left the 
 Manor House. Another glimpse seaward through my 
 dimmed eyelids, for the salt tears and salter spray made 
 my vision obscure, and I saw Beauty's black form again 
 rise to view, but — the saddle was empty! 
 
 I screamed loudly, and clutched Annie hysterically, 
 wailing, " He's lost ! He's lost ! " 
 
 Beauty's head was turned shoreward, but where 
 was my poor fatlher? 
 
 I ran to the very edge of the water, and then to my 
 
I70 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 joy saw a figure clutching the saddle, or to my distraught 
 vision and senses there appeared to be two figures. 
 
 My whole body shook with excitement, I was totally 
 oblivious that I stood surrounded by water, which 
 surged round my ankles. 
 
 " Is my father then alive after all ? " I thought. 
 Alas! I screamed in terror, for at that instant a huge 
 billow covered everything in a perfect avalanche of 
 destruction. I felt that I should faint from very horror, 
 for I imagined all was over ; but suddenly Beauty and 
 those clinging to her — for there were two men — were 
 sent flying high up the beach, and before the retiring 
 wash of the wave could draw them back and once more 
 engulf them, a score of willing hands seized them, horse 
 and men, and dragged them beyond the power of the sea. 
 
 Beauty, father, and a stranger were safe. 
 
 I did not faint. 
 
 Brave father sat down on a piece of timber, quite 
 exhausted and panting for breath. I could stand the 
 strain no longer, but ran to him, and flung my arms 
 fondly around his neck. 
 
 But instead of being pleased to have me comfort 
 him, he thrust me off, being very angry, and ordered me 
 home at once. 
 
 " Shall I obey, or cling to him? " I asked myself, but 
 knowing my father's will and temperament, I went home 
 with Annie, leaving my heart behind me. On arriving 
 at the Manor House, Annie and I took off our dripping 
 clothes and awaited father's return. 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 171 
 
 Oh, the anxiety of that hour during which we Hstened 
 for the sound of Beauty's footfall and my dear father's 
 voice. 
 
 It was terrible! 
 
 Should we ever hear either again? 
 
 Yes, my father arrived at last, and kissing me, dis- 
 robed and went straight to bed, whither I took him 
 some hot refreshments and sat at his bedside, while 
 with glistening eyes he told me of what had happened 
 on the shore. 
 
 Annie was also allowed to come into the room, and 
 we had the whole story of my father's noble deeds from 
 his own lips. 
 
 He told us he had ridden into the sea three times, 
 once, as we had seen with our own eyes, bringing out 
 a live man, and twice returning with what afterwards 
 proved to be the corpses of two poor fellows. 
 
 Our groom afterwards told us that the two poor 
 fellows my father had recovered from the sea were now 
 lying on the threshing floor in the barn, covered with 
 a stack cloth, while the live man, the survivor of a crew 
 of nine, had been taken to the village inn and placed 
 in bed. He had recovered so far that he had resrained 
 consciousness, and was able to talk, but being a French- 
 man, no one in the village, not even the parson, could 
 understand him. 
 
172 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Father did not get up again that evening, but took 
 a well-earned sleep, the whole clock round, and well 
 he deserved it 
 
 Annie and I sat talking for an hour or two over the 
 comfortable fire, my mother being absent on a visit to 
 Dilham, when somehow our conversation turned to the 
 dead men in the barn. 
 
 Annie said she would like to see them, and asked 
 me if I had the courage to go and look at them. Wish- 
 ing to prove that I was the daughter of a brave man 
 I assumed an air of nonchalance and courage, which 
 was really foreign to my nature, but to prove my friend's 
 courage and sustain the reputation of my own, I 
 challenged her to accompany me to the barn and have 
 a peep at the poor drowned mariners. 
 
 She consented, if I would go first and carry the 
 lantern, to which I agreed. 
 
 Muffling ourselves up, for it was very cold, we lighted 
 the horn lantern, and with uncertain steps walked hand 
 in hand across the par-yard and into the little side door 
 of the immense barn.* 
 
 Our hearts beat almost audibly, but neither would 
 show the white feather, as we crept forward, in awe, 
 upon tip-toe towards the threshing floor, which was 
 near the other end of the barn, alongside of which ran 
 the public highway. 
 
 When we reached the threshing floor, or as the men 
 then called it, the " throishing plancher," we paused 
 
 * It is still standing, as is also the Manor House. 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 173 
 
 and held the lantern aloft. It was one of those old- 
 fashioned horn affairs which did little more than render 
 darkness visible, but still we managed to discover a 
 bed of straw covered with tarpaulin, or as we then 
 called it, a " tar-sheet." 
 
 We stood irresolute. 
 
 I know that the advent of a mouse would have 
 caused me to scream for very fear, but pride of my 
 character forbade me outwardly showing the horror 
 I inwardly felt. 
 
 " Annie," I whispered in a shaky, husky voice, " dare 
 you draw the covering aside ? " 
 
 " I will help yoit to," she replied. 
 
 Then after some hesitation we agreed each to take 
 a corner and so pull the tar-sheet off together. To 
 show our pluck we gave a vigorous tug, and suddenly 
 exposed the lifeless forms to view. 
 
 The terrible sight proved too much for me. The 
 head of one man had been torn from his body, and 
 was placed at his side. 
 
 Annie, who had carried the lantern from the barn 
 door, gave a piercing shriek and dropped it with a 
 rattle upon the hard, clay floor, and immediately 
 followed it by falling with a heavy thud beside it, in 
 a deep faint. 
 
 I stood for a moment like one distraught, and then 
 in the pitchy darkness, standing as I did between the 
 dead men and my inanimate friend, I rent the night 
 with scream after scream for help, my eyes feeling 
 
174 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 as if they were bulging from their sockets with 
 horror. 
 
 Suddenly a violent' banging on one of the great barn 
 doors appeared to freeze the very blood in my heart, 
 and giving one more yell of terror all became blank. 
 
 Some of our own farm hands happened to be 
 passing the barn at the very moment, and hearing the 
 screams, entered the bam by the door we had left 
 open and found us lying insensible by the bodies of 
 the defunct mariners. 
 
 A doctor — the nearest lived at Stalham, four miles 
 away — ^was summoned by my father's orders, and we 
 were put to bed and kept there all next day, the shock 
 to our nervous system having thoroughly unstrung our 
 nerves. 
 
 The doctor informed my father that it would not 
 have greatly surprised him had such a sudden shock 
 bereft us of our reason. 
 
 We quite recovered from our fright, however, but we 
 never afterwards boasted to each other of our courage, 
 nor visited dead sailors in the dark. 
 
 COULEUR DE ROSE. 
 
 When a girl the old lady had a bonny pair of rosy 
 cheeks, more rosy than bonny she thought them ; in 
 fact, their peony-like tint gave her the idea that the 
 blooming cheeks possessed a " horrid redundancy of 
 colour." 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 175 
 
 In those days blood letting, or as it was called by 
 the doctors "phlebotomy," was in vogue, and persons 
 were bled or cupped for almost every affliction that 
 man is heir to. Did a man have a fit? bleed him. 
 Had he fallen off a house? bleed him. Had he been 
 drunk over night? bleed him. Was he too fat? bleed 
 him. Was he at death's door? then bleed him. The 
 doctors of those days probably drew more blood than 
 was shed in any modern battle, or drunk by the in- 
 satiable lunette of the guillotine. 
 
 Granny thought the matter over and naturally, in 
 ignorance, came to the conclusion that she possessed 
 too much blood ; a glance in the mirror quite confirmed 
 her diagnosis. There were her ruddy cheeks, and there 
 sure enough was the red blood under the transparent 
 skin ; now the thing would be to remove some of that 
 blood, and so remove some of the colour. 
 
 But how? 
 
 She had heard much talk of blood letting, but she 
 could not bleed herself, for she did not know how. 
 
 She carefully thought the matter over as to whom she 
 could get to bleed her strictly under the rose ! 
 
 She knew of nobody in the neighbourhood, except 
 old Mrs. Mardle, but she had such a wagging tongue 
 it would never do to trust her with such an important 
 secret, everyone in the village would know it in less 
 than a week. 
 
 There was Dr. F ^w, of North Walsham. But 
 
 alas! that town was nearly ten miles away. 
 
176 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Still, it was the only way, so she patiently watched 
 for an opportunity of stealing off unperceived by her 
 parents. 
 
 Several weeks elapsed before an opportunity occurred, 
 but all comes to those who wait, and the absence of 
 good httle Mary's parents on a two days' visit to friends 
 at Yarmouth gave her the desired leisure. 
 
 Mary tramped the ten miles, and footsore and 
 weary entered the portals of kind old Dr F ^w. 
 
 Good mornings exchanged, the question was asked : 
 " And now what can I do for you, miss ? " 
 
 Then came trembling words, almost inaudible, from 
 the faltering little miss, as she requested to be bled. 
 
 " Oh, certainly," said the worthy doctor ; " but let 
 me first clearly understand what is the nature of your 
 ailment." 
 
 Oh, those peony cheeks, how they glowed, and how 
 the little tongue stammered as it replied : 
 
 " Well, doctor, I've eh — I've got too much colour, 
 in fact, I think my cheeks look horribly vulgar, and 
 eh — therefore I've come to the conclusion that I ought 
 to be bled to relieve my cheeks of their vulgarity." 
 
 The doctor lay back in his chair and roared, much 
 to the chagrin of his patient. 
 
 "Why, my good child, whatever are you thinking 
 about? those cheeks of yours would be the envy of 
 many a Court lady, health and vigour are stamped on 
 them ; and what you deem ' horribly vulgar redness,' I 
 call a healthy pink — the pink of perfection! 
 
TALES OF A GRANDMOTHER. 177 
 
 " No ! no, my good girl, leave well alone, and do not 
 imagine bleeding will add anything in the way of 
 charm to what, as I say, is already perfection. Now 
 my man is going to Stalham in an hour's time, and he 
 shall then drive you home, for you must be very tired 
 — ten miles on heavy roads is a long march for sweet 
 seventeen." 
 
 Then came tears and entreaty from Mary. She had 
 walked ten miles to be bled, and could not go home 
 without the object of her visit being accomplished. If 
 Dr. F w would not obhge her, another must. 
 
 Seeing a4: last that expostulation was vain, the good 
 old doctor consented, and with much show and flourish, 
 and ensanguinement of water and bandage, the deed 
 was done, and Mary returned happy to Palling, with her 
 plump little arm bandaged. 
 
 Next day Mary was awake before daylight, and 
 tihinking of her journey of the previous day, wondering 
 what effect it would have on her appearance, and then 
 she slumbered again, awaking only when the sun was 
 high in the sky. 
 
 She leapt out of bed and rushed to the dressing- 
 table, but only to recoil with something like dismay. 
 The long walk and drive of the previous day had left 
 her cheeks — redder than ever! 
 
 And what was more, the ruddy complexion kept with 
 her through life ; and even after death the rosy hue 
 
 M 
 
178 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 was plainly visible in the dear old withered cheeks of 
 the almost centenarian. 
 
 Strangely enough, the Manor House is now occupied 
 by an old lady whose years are more than five score, 
 and who yet seems full of life and vigour. Although 
 our East Coast has been accused of terrible bleakness, 
 yet it would appear that there is a vigour or bracing 
 property in it that has a knack of producing not pneu- 
 monia, but quite a number of centenarians. A glance 
 at the church registers or tombstones will give many 
 instances. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. 
 
 Probably every county has its superstitions and' 
 beliefs, some local, and some spread like "spring sulphur " 
 under a transparent veneer of treacle over the whole 
 slice, Norfolk and Cornwall, lying as they do in 
 extremes of the country, are no exception to other 
 counties in folk-lore and superstition, indeed one can- 
 not imagine any other counties having more rooted 
 aversion to the slaying of their pet bogeys than these 
 two. 
 
 Which of the twain stands pre-eminent as champion 
 in superstition would be hard to say — perhaps the safest 
 plan would be to say six of one and half a dozen of 
 the other. 
 
 Cornwall has its great downs, hills, and mines, and its 
 quaint Cymric people to conjure up and maintain elves 
 and fairies, bogeys and supernatural beings, and to 
 perpetuate strange beliefs and sayings ; while Norfolk 
 has its commons, broads, and heaths, its long coast line 
 and its Scandinavian folk to bring together superstitions 
 of all kinds. 
 
i8o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Now it happened that the writer recently had an 
 opportunity to compare some of the superstitions of 
 the two counties in question, and putting on his dress 
 of invisibihty he will appear as Viator, and question and 
 chat with an aged Norfolk labourer called " Iceni." 
 
 Viator has just returned from a second lengthy trip 
 to England's toe — Cornwall — and meets Iceni in the 
 house of a mutual friend. Viator after a while leads 
 the topic of conversation towards superstition with a 
 somewhat interesting result. 
 
 Viator. " Why, my good Iceni, since I saw you last 
 I have travelled right round ajnd zig-zagged all about the 
 county of Cornwall, and a very nice place I found it. 
 The people were very kind to me certainly, but do you 
 know I found the people there terribly superstitious, aye> 
 even more so than in your own beloved county of Norfolk." 
 
 Iceni. " Well, but maaster, I don't 'low as we are 
 superstitious. Sartinly we may fancy a few strange 
 things, but then yew must allow that many o' these here 
 old woman's stories, as yow call 'em, du come true 
 a' times, now doan't they? " 
 
 Viator in reply acknowledged that many of the quaint 
 beliefs might be founded upon some ancient truth, but 
 that nowadays common-sense had nearly knocked the 
 bottom out of the whole saucepan of superstition. 
 
 Iceni. " Thet's all very well, maaster, but common- 
 since can't stop the working of a charm nohow. Mebbe 
 yow doan't believe in charms, some folks don't, and 
 'ont, but I du." 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. i8i 
 
 Viator. " What are the charms you allude to ? " 
 Iceni. " Well, take the rits (warts) and corns for in- 
 stamce, I ken cure 'm right easy by a charmin' on 'em 
 away. How? Why simple enow. Take rits for 
 'sample. Steal a bit o' raw meat and rub on 'em, then 
 hull the meat away, and in tu or tree weeks them there 
 rits '11 all be clean gone — 
 
 " ' As the meat decay, 
 So the rits fly away.' 
 
 " Now if I tell yew another simple way to get rid o' 
 rits yow'll think me superstitious, but I don't mind the 
 valler o' a clung tunnup, for them as ha' tried it know 
 'twill du 'em good. Now see how simple 'tis. 
 
 " Ax a man if yew be a woman, or a woman if yew 
 be a man, to buy yar rits for a ha'penny. Well, they 
 gan yew the money for 'em, and it 'ont du 'em no 
 harm. You jest rub the copper on every rit and saay, 
 * Depart ! ' Then hull the money away, and in less than 
 a month iviry rit '11 be gone. There, bor ! there ain't 
 no superstition about that, 'cause it's truth." 
 
 Viator. " Keep to your behef, my friend, if it rids 
 you of your warts. You do not stand alone in strange 
 charms for warts, as the Cornish folks have equally 
 simple methods of ridding their hands of the unsightly 
 parasitical growths. 
 
 " They tie as many knots in a piece of twine as there 
 are warts to be removed, then each wart is rubbed with 
 a knot and the string buried. In due course the warts 
 
i82 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 are said to disappear. Another way is to rub each wart 
 with a small pebble, sew the pebbles in a piece of rag, 
 and throw it away, 
 
 " Hey presto ! the warts leave your hand and grow on 
 the hand of the person finding and opening the bag of 
 I>ebbles. Peter is robbed and Paul is enriched." 
 
 Iceni. "Ah, yar! I don't hold wi* them sorter 
 charms ; get rid on 'em right away I say, not gan 'em to 
 other folks." 
 
 Viator. " Do you think it possible to charm a 
 snake ? " 
 
 Iceni. " I never heerd anyone talk'er charmin' a 
 sneak, but if yew live near a wood no adder will come 
 inter yer house-door if yew make the sign of the cross 
 in front of it with the p'int of a brotch or any mander 
 of stick. 
 
 " But I'll tell yer what'll cure a adder's bite. Arter 
 he's bit yer, ketch him wi' a forked stick, or any bit o* 
 wood with a snotch cut in it, kill the darvel, and bile 
 him down. 
 
 " As yew bile him skim the risin' fat off the broth, 
 and rub it right well inter the wound, and yew'll be well 
 in a werry short time." 
 
 Viator. " The Cornwall people say that if you draw 
 a laarge circle round the reptile, and place a cross inside 
 the circle, the snake cannot harm you ; while if you 
 wish for a further precaution, or having been bitten 
 require an antidote, you must three times repeat these 
 sentences from the Bible. 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. 183 
 
 " ' Let God arise, let His enemies be scattered : let 
 them also that hate Him flee before Him.' 
 
 " ' As smoke is driven away, so drive them away ; 
 as wax melteth before the fire, so let the wicked perish 
 at the presence of God.' 
 
 (These sentences, by the way, were the identical 
 verses used in ancient times by persons when they had 
 made a waxen image of anyone they wished to die. 
 The image of the person was held before a fire and 
 melted while the words were being recited.) 
 
 " The Cornish folk believe in many charms for ordi- 
 nary ailments, and before I ask your opinion on their 
 efficacy, I will mention a few as they occur to me. 
 
 " For whooping-cough they cut a little hair from the 
 withers of a donkey, just where the dark hair of the 
 shoulders and back join, forming a cross. This is put 
 in a bag and hung round the child's neck, when the 
 charm will work a cure — at least so they say. 
 
 " Another cure for the same complaint is to catch a 
 mouse, kill it, and bake it to a cinder ; take the cinder 
 and pound it in a mortar, or its substitute, until it is 
 in a fine powder. Mix the powder with milk and give 
 it to the patient to drink. It is a veritable ' black- 
 draught.' 
 
 " It is said that a Good-Friday-Hot-Cross-Bun saved 
 throughout the year is very efficacious if grated and 
 given to a patient suffering from any ordinary com- 
 plaint. It is the cross that works the charm. 
 
 " A knuckle bone carried in the pocket is a protection 
 
i84 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 against cramp, and some forms of gout ; while a small 
 potato so carried will charm away rheumatism. Do 
 you believe these things, my friend, or do you know 
 of any similar ones in your own county ? " 
 
 Iceni. " Lor, maaster, I know lots of them there 
 sorter ramadies. We hev our way o' dealin wi' rheu- 
 matiz, and it's simple enow, as yew shall lam. Take a 
 fairish-sized warm (an earthworm) and put it inter a 
 bottle, then cover up the bottle in a muck-heap — a good 
 hot one — and by-and-by the warm '11 melt up. Then 
 yew take sum o' the likker, and anoint the jints affected 
 and it'll du 'em a power o' good. 
 
 " This yer same stuff's a rare fine ramady for earache, 
 on'y yew must pour it in right hot. 
 
 " Then there's chilblains ; yew kin cure them with 
 a sprig o' hulver (holly). Jest beat the blains w' it till 
 the blood come freeler, and thin woish 'em in sailt and 
 water, and there y' are." 
 
 Viator. " Are you aware that in Italy the people 
 believe in the power of the ' evil eye ' — mal occhio they 
 call it — and that the Egyptian agriculturists and the 
 Hindoos also have the same belief ? " 
 
 " Well," said Iceni warily, " what do the Cornish folks 
 fare to think about this here ' evil eye ? ' " 
 
 Viator. " I think it very probable that half the 
 people west of the Tamar are covert believers in it, 
 althougih only the few will spealc of it in an overt 
 manner. 
 
 " Many a Cornish man and woman, when they re- 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS, 185 
 
 ceive the Sacrament, will break off and hide a mite of 
 the sacred bread, and carry it about with them as a 
 charm against the ' evil eye.' " 
 
 Iceni. " Now, maaster, yew'll think I'm a bit duzzy 
 if I saay, I du believe in both ' wise ' people and the 
 * evil eye,' an' I'll tell yew w'y, and mind it ain't no idle 
 golder, because it happened to me. 
 
 " Last June I wuz in Walsham on Market-day, and 
 
 hevin' a look round, hu should I meet but old X , 
 
 the * wise ' man, as we call him, 'cause he can cure 
 all mander o' things and tell fortunes and read draams 
 like a book. 
 
 " Well, thinks I, yew miay be a wise man, but I 'ont 
 touch my hat to yew, nor pass the seal o' day like a 
 hape o' silly fules du. Yow don't know me, though 
 I du yew. 
 
 " So I parst him, and jest gan him a kinder peep 
 outer the corner of me laft eye. 
 
 " In a moment he clapped his eyes onter me, just 
 for a' the worl' like a tarrier dawg from under his 
 shucky brows. 
 
 " Lor, maaster, I did feel some bad tu. I know'd in 
 a jiffy that he'd put a spell on m.e, and I wint in and 
 had a pinter ole ale to kinder pick me up a bit. 
 
 " This took place at half arter tew on the Thursder, 
 because when he put the spell on me, I reccomember 
 glancing at the blue-faced clock on the old Market 
 Cross. 
 
 " Well, nex' daay, on the Frider, jist at that time, 
 
i8b THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 I kim over all of a shake and dudder, but I put it down 
 to the throshy wather, 'cause we'd had a storm thet 
 mornm', and it was wheelin' roun' to give us another 
 spell werry sune. 
 
 "Well, there I wuz, duddering like a man with the 
 ager, though the wather was rite hot and close. I wuz 
 that sick and bad, I couldn't keep right-up on my feet, 
 and hed to lay down jest were I dropped. 
 
 " I'd got it sure enoug'h, the old warmint had cast a 
 spell on me for not a-noticin' him. And so it went on 
 day arter day, so that I rite dreaded half arter tew 
 a-comin'. 
 
 " Well, I told our maaster, and he say, ' Well, bor, 
 I'll tell yew how yew kin git outer that. To-morrow,' 
 he say, 'I'll drive you up to Walsham, and du yew go 
 
 to old X (the wise man), and tell him how yew 
 
 fare ivery day, and ax him to gan yew a bottle o' 
 suthin' to put you right.' 
 
 " Well, to make my mardle short, I went. 
 
 " Lor, he fared to know what I'd cum arter. ' Put 
 out yar tongue,' he say. I poked out savirel inches, 
 'cause I've got a pretty long lolliper, but bless you he 
 hardly look on t'ut; he clapped his eyes onter mine 
 and mumbled suthin', and I hard suthin' go crack in 
 me stummick, and I knowed I wuz cured. 
 
 " He'd atook the spell off. 
 
 " Course he gan me a bottle o' stuff, but that wuz 
 on'y make-believe, the trick wuz dun when he clapt his 
 eyen on mine. I never felt bad no more arter that." 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. 187 
 
 Viator. " My good friend, I'm afraid your liver was 
 out of gear, and that pint of old ale made matters 
 worse. Next day you had your dinner of fat pork, eh? 
 Yes ; well, then you were sick and giddy after it, and 
 frightened yourself into the belief that the spell of the 
 * evil eye ' had been cast upon you. Natural results 
 from natural causes, aided by a great share of pure 
 imagination. 
 
 " Why should X have any more power over you 
 
 than any other man ? " 
 
 Iceni. " I ain't no more superstitious than other 
 
 folks, but yew don't perhaps know that old X wuz 
 
 born in chime hours ; he is the seventh son of a seventh 
 son, and if that don't constitoot a ' wise man,' then there 
 never wuz one." 
 
 Viator. " What are chime hours, friend, and what 
 power do they confer on persons born in them ? " 
 
 Iccfii. " Fower, eight, and twalve are the chimes, 
 and folks born in them hours can see hytersprites, and 
 fairies, and ghosts, and such-like. Besides that they 
 are born lucky, and thet's better'n bein' born with a 
 silver spune in yer mouth. 
 
 " Yew smile, maaster. P'r'aps yew don't believe in 
 ghosts an things ? " 
 
 Viator. " Well, scarcely ; do you ? " 
 
 Iceni. " I can't say as I've a seen a human ghost, but 
 I have seen the Horning ghost in the Long Lane — 
 thet's the ghost of a dickey (donkey) yer know. 
 
 " I wuz coming from Walsham one night in the 
 
i88 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 winter-time, and I don't know how it wuz, but suthin* 
 fare tu say to me * look behind.' 
 
 " Well, I knowed it had jest gone twalve, and I also 
 knowed what Shakespeare say about that there hour. 
 He say, if you recommember, * Now is the berwitchin' 
 hour o' nite, when graveyards yarn, and up cum the 
 dade.' 
 
 " Well, although I knowed all that, I must, fule hke, 
 look roun', 'cause I fancied I could hear sumthin' go 
 clickerty click, clickerty click, behind me. 
 
 " Sure 'nuff there came a white dickey lopin' along 
 the road, all alone. 
 
 " I felt a bit scaart, and my old hobby pricked up 
 har lugs as much as to say, * Hello, 'hu's this a-follerin* 
 me?' 
 
 " Presently I pull up short like, and the white dickey 
 he pull up tu. Then w'en I go on, he go on, and w'en 
 I stop, he stop. So, thinks I, yew ain't no ghost, any- 
 how. 
 
 " Then a brite idee cum inter me hid. ' I'll go back 
 and see 'hu's dickey it is.' 
 
 " So I tamed roun' and back I go, and when I'd got 
 almost up to the white dickey, who stud right in the 
 middle o' the road facing me, my ole hobby stopped 
 short, and nearly hulled me outer the cart. Poor old 
 girl, she whinney'd wi' fright, and roun she come of 
 her own accord, and along the lane she go as hard as 
 she could clap her fower huffs to the ground. 
 
 " But it worn't no use ; this here white dickey sune 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. 189 
 
 began to shorten the distance, and ivery time I looked 
 roun' it was nigher. 
 
 " Lort, I felt all of a muck sweaty and I know me 
 eyeballs stood out so that anyone might have chopped 
 'em of wi' a hook. 
 
 " Closer it cum, and closer ; and when I looked roun*" 
 agin, it was jest behind, with smoke comin' outer its 
 nosterels like out of a hery furnace, and I du believe 
 there wuz a little pink flame with it, but thet I ain't 
 sure about, 'cos I wuz upset. But this I du know, the 
 smell o' sulphur was right powerful! 
 
 " I pulled old Cally — thet's short for California — inter 
 the deke, and past came this here white dickey, and 
 sure 'nuff it wuz a ghost arter all, for I could see every 
 bar of a gate by the roadside rite trew its maizey 
 body. 
 
 " My ha'r must 'av riz on me hid, for orf went me 
 hat. Away went the dickey up the Long Lane lead- 
 ing past the church to the village, and away went old 
 Cally arter it, full tare, and thinks I wqt's agoen to 
 happen nixt. 
 
 " Why, it came to an ind like a flash. When the 
 dickey come to the chu'chyard wall it plumped trew it 
 jest as easy as I could poke my finger trew a pat of 
 butter, and wot's more, it didn't distarb a single stoon 
 of the thick wall. 
 
 " Yew may laff, maaster, but nex' mornin' when I 
 went ter look for my hat — 'cause I dussen't go back 
 that night — I took a good wiew o' the chu'chyard wall,. 
 
ipo THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 and there worn't a hole in it nowhere, and not a single 
 print of a dickey's huff in the roadway ! 
 
 " A'h ! yow may laff ! " 
 
 Viator. " Well, my friend, I can scarcely repress a 
 smile, because much of your adventure might be ac- 
 counted for in a natural manner, and a little sifting at 
 the time would probably have eliminated all traces of 
 the supernatural, however strong the smell of sulphur 
 might have been in your imagination." 
 
 Iceni. " Blarm my carcridge, maaster, if yew'd a bin 
 with me yow'd ha' smelt sulphur tu, I warrant ye, an' 
 if that sight hadn't amade yew dudder tu, well, I'd a 
 -eat my old hat — ^poke, verge, and band. Yew don't 
 believe in no ghosts, then ? Ha' yow iver sin one ? " 
 
 Viator. " Pei'haps I have, end perhaps I have not, 
 but if you will give me your attention for a few minutes, 
 I will relate a curious incident that occurred during my 
 tramp round the Cornish coast on a sketching tour. 
 
 " I was in the Land's End district, and during the 
 day had made three or four sketches, beside walking 
 :some sixteen or eighteen miles over rough cliff paths. 
 
 " About six p.rtL I reached T ^ne, and going to 
 
 the little inn asked if they could provide me with a 
 •chop or steak and some tea, also with a bed. Yes, they 
 could make me very comfortable in every way. 
 
 " ' Very well, let my meal be steak, and I would like 
 it at seven,' I said to the hostess, ' and while you are 
 -preparing it I will walk down to the cliff and see your 
 iamous Logan Rock.' 
 
BROAD LAND SUPERSTITIONS. 191 
 
 " Away I trudged to the mighty diff s, only a few 
 minutes' walk away, and gazed out over the sunlit sea, 
 admiring its deep purply blue, and thinking what a 
 short distance a mile is when viewed over water and 
 from a height This thought was caused by my eyes 
 being arrested by the beautiful tower of the Longship 
 Lighthouse, perched upon a rocky little islet like some 
 pale seabird resting in its flight. 
 
 " Then amid the great masses of rugged rocks I 
 sought my quest — the Logan Rock — found it, logged 
 or rocked it, clambered down from the dizzy eminence, 
 and regained the rocky edge of the cliff panting for 
 breath. I sat down on the part of a rock near the 
 meandering footpath. 
 
 " Twenty minutes to seven, my watch tells me — just 
 time for a few minutes' rest and half a pipe of tobacco. 
 
 *' The surroundings charmed me, and I forgot the 
 flight of time, until an unresponsive draw at my pipe 
 told me my tobacco was out, and my time also. 
 
 " I rose and straightened myself up for my walk 
 back to the inn. Out cajne my watch again. Five 
 minutes to seven. 
 
 " I stepped from the tall rock and was about to take 
 the path, when I saw a coastguardsm/an, not a hundred 
 yards away, coming towards me, but with his eyes 
 steadily bent seawards. 
 
 " He had not seen me, and knowing my propensity 
 for chatting with seafaring me, I mechanically stepped 
 behind my friendly rock again, and resumed my seat, 
 
192 THE INNOCENTS ON TELE BROADS. 
 
 hoping to avoid the gallant son of Neptune by his 
 passing me by unobserved. 
 
 " I waited a minute — two — but he did not walk past, 
 so I rose and peeped round the rock, but no coastguard 
 was to be seen. There was the winding solitary path,, 
 with nobody upon it ! 
 
 "'How the dickens did he disappear?' I asked my- 
 self ; but not being ready with an answer, dismissed the 
 subject, putting my best foot foremost to the inn, which 
 I reached ten minutes late. 
 
 " Everything was ready for me, even to a nice dish 
 of early potatoes, for it was June, and I enjoyed my 
 meal greatly after my day's exertions. 
 
 " Then about eight o'clock I strolled into the bar 
 parlour, where I chatted with several neighbouring 
 farmers and fishermen who were assembled for the 
 usual evening's gossip. 
 
 " Presently I quietly turned the topic of conversation 
 into an inquiry on superstition in those parts, and a 
 most interesting one it proved to be. 
 
 " One old fellow was well up in charms, and I 
 gathered a great deal of quaint information from him,, 
 especially charms for stopping bleeding, fevers, tooth- 
 ache, rheumatism, etc. 
 
 " The charms consisted of repeating peculiar quasi- 
 religious formulae a certain number of times, after which,, 
 in due course, the ailment is supposed to leave the 
 sufferer. Just a couple, and I will resume my story.. 
 Here is the charm against toothache. 
 
BROADLAND SUPERSTITIONS. 193 
 
 " * As Jesus passed by He saw Peter sitting on a 
 marble stone, and Jesus said, " What aileth thee ? " 
 And Peter replied, " Oh, my Lord, toothache." And 
 Jesus said, " Take this, and thou shalt never more have 
 toothache." ' 
 
 " This must be repeated nine times by the charmer. 
 
 Charm for a Burn or Sore. 
 
 " ' Christ was of a Virgin born, 
 And He was pricked by a thorn ; 
 And it did never hele (canker), 
 And I trust in Jesus this never will.' 
 
 " Then we chatted upon the efficacy of the * dead 
 hand,' in which the Cornish have great faith. Passing 
 the hand of a dead person of the opposite sex nine 
 times over wounds, eczema, scrofula, sore throat, and 
 fifty other maladies is believed by the West country 
 folk to be marvellously efficacious, and nearly all the 
 working classes have implicit faith in it. Sufferers 
 often walk several miles to a dead body, in order to 
 be cured by its clammy, clay-cold hand. It is evidently 
 a faith cure, and they will hear nothing said against it 
 
 " Well, after the conversation had been continued 
 upon these peculiar themes for some time we gradually 
 drifted to ghosts and other shadowy visitants. 
 
 " Of course I laughed at the idea, but one old fellow, 
 as a mouthpiece for the rest, remarked : 
 
 " ' 'Ee may laugh, but there's many a gashly (ghastly) 
 
 N 
 
194 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 thing marches abroad in the night that would frite 'ee 
 to death. I tell 'ee what 'tis, maister, I wouldn't cross 
 Goonhilly Downs after ten o'clock at night not for a 
 whole hatvull of gold, so there be for 'ee. Yu may 
 laugh, but let 'im bide ; p'r'aps 'ee doan't believe in 
 ghosts ? ' 
 
 " ' Believe in ghosts ? No, I do not,' I replied, ' or 
 I should fancy I saw one this very evening.' 
 
 " ' Where be it tu ? ' came in a chorus from those 
 present. 
 
 " Then I related my experience of the vanishing 
 coastguard as I sat by the rocky cliff, and how he had 
 disappeared suddenly, leaving no trace behind, nor any 
 means of escape that I could discover, unless he took 
 a straight leap of thirty or forty yards to the beach 
 below. 
 
 "'What sorter man did 'un look, maister?' asked an 
 old boat-owner. 
 
 " I described him as a shortish, thick-set man of 
 about thirty-five to forty. Very broad shoulders, short 
 neck, and a black beard. 
 
 " ' 'Ee's seed 'un,' said one. 
 
 " ' It be 'ee, sure,' cried another. 
 
 That be Garge Shipley ! ' exclaimed mine host. 
 
 " ' Who is George Shipley ? ' I asked, surprised at the 
 comments. 
 
 " ' W'y, 'ur be chief boatman here. 'Ur died of apple- 
 plexity this marnin' ! ' 
 
 " It appeared there were only three coastguards 
 
UPERSTITIONS. 195 
 
 stationed in the place : one of them a clean-shaven man 
 was present ; another, a Scotchman, had a sandy beard 
 and moustache ; so the third must have been the one I 
 saw on the cliff some hours after he was dead! 
 
 " To make sure, they took me over to the poor 
 fellow's cottage there and then, and his wife turning 
 back the sheet disclosed to me the features of my 
 ghostly visitant." 
 
 " There ! " exclaimed Iceni in triumph, " now yu fare 
 to believe in ghosts arter all, and so du all folks or 
 common-since." 
 
 Viator. " But having common-sense, Iceni, I do not 
 altogether believe my eyesight. Might it not have 
 been some other man dressed in uniform I saw — some- 
 one who knew a means of descending to the beach, 
 even down the high cliff, which looked to a stranger 
 sudden death to attempt? 
 
 " No, Iceni, this does not strengthen my belief in 
 ghosts, although it certainly was a very strange experi- 
 ence." 
 
CHAPTER VIIL 
 
 CURIOUS WAGERS AND FEATS. 
 
 My publishers, wishing this to be an eminently proper 
 book, wish me to abstain from the mention of drinking 
 feats. The reader will therefore take the eating feats 
 dry, a little salt taking the place of our national 
 beverage — beer. 
 
 There used to be a giant in the employ of Mr. Palmer 
 of Walcot, a fellow standing six feet high in his stock- 
 ings, who was not a shambling fellow like most giants, 
 but a man of great strength. All through the harvest 
 he did the work of two men, taking up two sheaves of 
 wheat on his fork throughout the day as easily as 
 others did one. His appetite and drinking powers were 
 commensurate to his height ajnd strength, in fact, he 
 was " a jolly good man all round" 
 
 On one occasion a gentleman had a mind to see him 
 eat, and had a steak weighing two pounds and a half 
 cooked for him. When it was set before him the giant 
 with jovial face remarked : 
 
 "Well, thamky maaster, this 'ull be the fust real 
 
CURIOUS WAGERS AND FEATS. 197 
 
 square meal I've had t' harvest I hope yow'll stand 
 a drop o' beer tu woish it dowen ? " 
 
 " Oh, certainly, I suppose a man like you can manage 
 a couple of quarts ? " 
 
 " Can I du a coupler quarts ? Lor luv yer, maaster, 
 jest try yow me and see, and if I don't gaui it a shaking 
 in one go I'm a Dutchman." 
 
 The half-gallon was brought in in a tin can, when 
 the giant with a "Well, miaaster and gentlemen all, 
 here's good health," put it to his lips, and after a long 
 big drink replaced the can on the table, upside 
 down ! 
 
 In twenty minutes the whole of the steak and a 
 two-pound loaf were hidden in the giant's capacious 
 maw, and as he lay back and wiped his mouth with 
 the back of his 'hand, he remarked that "he felt com- 
 fortabeller than he had done all harvest," and with 
 his can replenished he sat and sang in turn with his 
 comrades the whole evening. 
 
 Teetotalers will probably hold up their hands in 
 feigned horror at these feats of guzzling and eating, 
 but they must remember that these unwholesome ex- 
 hibitions can also be given by members of their own 
 fraternity. 
 
 Tea drinking appears to be a very innocent enjoy- 
 ment, but when carried to excess may be made nearly 
 as unsightly a performance as beer drinking. 
 
 Cases are on record of persons actually drinking 
 themselves to death by strong infusions of tea, as was 
 
198 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 the case with Hazlett, the great Shakespearian com- 
 mentator. He, poor fellow, became such a slave to 
 the habit — drinking it incessantly brewed in a great 
 jug — ^that he poisoned himself with it, and from its 
 baneful influences went to an xmtimely grave. 
 
 In the village of Swanton Abbot, as far back as 1832, 
 the writer's father witnessed a tea-drinking feat which 
 probably is unsurpassed. 
 
 For a trifling wager a man in the Weavers' Arms 
 (the weavers are extinct now) undertook to drink fifty- 
 two cups of tea within an hour, and succeeded in accom- 
 plishing the feat, although he was apparently intoxi- 
 cated or rendered foolish by the liquor. His time was 
 actually fifty-two minutes — exactly a cup per minute. 
 
 The tea — at eight shillings a pound — ^was prepared 
 from two ounces of tea, and one and a half pounds of 
 sugar, while each cup held a full quarter pint, so that 
 six and a half quarts had to be consumed in the accom- 
 plishment of the great teetotal feat 
 
 Norfolk being noted for its savoury sausages, there 
 is no wonder that many disgusting feats have been per- 
 formed by way of wagers in consuming them. 
 
 Three and even four pounds have been eaten at a 
 sitting, and on one occasion a gormandizing carpenter 
 essayed the feat of swallowing five pounds or thirty 
 sausages. 
 
 He came very near accomplishing the gigantic task, 
 breaking down at the twenty-niath ! 
 
 The feat nearly cost the glutton his life, for had it 
 
CURIOUS WAGERS AND FEATS. 199 
 
 not been for the timely arrival of Dr. Fremow, of 
 Worstead, with his apparatus, he would undoubtedly 
 have succumbed. 
 
 On another occasion the same man — his name is not 
 given as his relatives still live in Worstead — for a wager 
 of a new smock, attempted the feat of swallowing a 
 score of new hot cross-buns, straight from old baker 
 Bean's oven, and drinking half a gallon of old ale in 
 half an hour. 
 
 He compassed the feat, but when the buns swelled 
 with the ale the stupid fellow was very near bursting, 
 and might have ruptured himself internally had not the 
 doctor again come to his assistance in the nick of time. 
 
 This so alarmed the man that he never again in- 
 dulged in feats of gluttony ; as he put it, " Arter tliat 
 I wuz never able to look a Good Frider bun in the faace 
 agin." 
 
 The writer's father used to tell a funny tale concern- 
 ing a sausage-eating feat which occurred at the inn 
 at Scottow. 
 
 Some men, sitting in the Horseshoes, were boasting 
 of their appetites and powers of digestion, when one 
 of them averred he could eat, at a meal, four pounds of 
 the richest pork sausages they could bring him, and 
 that instead of their upsetting his liver he would go 
 about his business next day as blithe as any of them. 
 
 Those present clubbed together and raised the 
 necessary funds for purchasing the twenty-four little 
 " pokes o' mistry,' and at eight in the evening true to 
 
200 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 time W strolled into the inn prepared to com- 
 mence his undertaking. 
 
 No money stake was wagered, those contributing to 
 the feast being content either to see a great feat of 
 gluttony performed or a comrade made desperately ill 
 — it mattered little which — they simply wanted a little 
 excitement. 
 
 The table wajs spread and the feast commenced, the 
 buxom hostess having undertaken to fry the sausages in 
 batches of half a dozen, so as to be nice and hot for 
 the eater. 
 
 W called for a quart of ale, and commenced his 
 
 task in a very leisurely manner, his plate being flanked 
 by a loaf of white bread, not too new. Much vinegar 
 and mustard were also taken, ajs is usual with a Norfolk 
 man when eating any kind of meat or herrings. 
 
 The onlookers viewed the glutton in silence — no one 
 was allowed to chaff or interfere with him in any way. 
 
 One after one they were eaten, until nine had dis- 
 appeared, with a fair amount of bread and all the ale, 
 
 when W ordexed his tankard to be refilled, and 
 
 turning to his mates said : 
 
 " Yew 'ont mind my leavin' the rume a minute ? " 
 
 "Not at all, not at all," they chorused, and out he 
 strode. 
 
 Five minutes — ten minutes — fifteen minutes elapsed, 
 but W — ^ — did not return, and jokes began to be 
 bandied about as to his liver being upset with the 
 greasy food. 
 
CURIOUS WAGERS AND EEATS. 201 
 
 Then as he did not return two of those present went 
 in search of him, but lo ! he had vanished. 
 
 While they were calhng for him by name, and search- 
 ing the outbuildings, a boy arrived with a note, which 
 he handed to the landlord, who having read it burst 
 into a great fit of laughter, making the old rafters ring 
 again. When he had sufficiently recovered his equa- 
 nimity he read the following little epistle to the 
 wondering folks present. 
 
 " Dere Mates, 
 
 " Thank yoo wery much for the goode super I 
 hav jest had. I don't keer for no more, in fackt, I never 
 ete so menny in my life afore. Finish them betwene 
 yoo, orlso the quart of ail I orderd. 
 
 " Yors wery cumfertable in bedd, 
 
 '' W " 
 
 Although many men of middle age will remember 
 old Mountjoy and the walking feats he us^d to per- 
 form in London during the 'seventies, but few will 
 remember the feats he performed in his native city of 
 Norwich during the 'forties. We therefore give two of 
 them. 
 
 At De Caux's Ranelagh Gardens, in 1840, John 
 Mountjoy undertook to pick up with his mouth, with- 
 out allowing his knees to touch the ground, one hundred 
 eggs placed a yard apart, bring them to a bucket of 
 water, and drop them in. Then to finish up he was 
 
202 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 to leap over fifty hurdles four feet high and placed 
 ten yards apart, the whole to be performed in one hour. 
 
 This seems an impossible feat when we find that to 
 pick up the eggs nearly six miles had to be traversed, 
 during which two hundred halts and turns had to be 
 made. But John knew his powers, and finished his 
 allotted task in fifty-eight minutes fifty-six seconds. 
 
 Another feat performed in June, 1840, was one of 
 great endurance; one w'hich gave a forecast to the 
 wonderful staying powers of this celebrated Norfolk 
 pedestrian, who, when between seventy and eighty years 
 of age could cover fifty miles a day during a whole 
 week. 
 
 The great task of which we are about to speak was 
 undertaken for a wager quite unworthy of such an 
 amount of endurance and exertion as had to be dis- 
 played by the pedestrian — a wager of a paltry five-pound 
 note. The task was, that Johnny undertook to walk 
 for six consecutive days, from the Shirehall Tavern, 
 Norwich, to Symond's Gardens, Yarmouth, and back, 
 twice each day — that is, seventy-six miles per diem, or 
 a total distance of 456 miles for five sovereigns! 
 
 It must be remembered that this performance took 
 place on the highway, a very different task to one 
 undertaken on a covered racing track. 
 
 Mountjoy commenced his walk at four a.m. on 
 Monday, June 22nd, 1840, and his arrival and departure 
 at both Norwich and Yarmouth were watched with great 
 enthusiasm by vast crowds of excited people. 
 
CURIOUS WAGERS AND FEATS. 203 
 
 During the week several young men went with him 
 to Yarmouth and back, from Norwich, or vice versa, 
 being pleased to say that they had walked thirty-eight 
 miles in a day, but when, in the afternoon a like distance 
 had to be covered, not one was found with stamina 
 enough to respond to Johnny's invitation to see the 
 day out with him. 
 
 As the time approached for the termination of the 
 match, so the public excitement grew, until it was at 
 fever heat. 
 
 On the Friday night, Mountjoy completed his walk 
 just before midnight, and on arriving at Norwich, 
 immediately went to bed and had two hours and a 
 half sleep, setting off on his last day's tramp at 3.40 
 on Saturday morning. 
 
 He was back from Yarmouth at 1.40 p.m., having 
 walked the thirty-eight miles in ten hours. 
 
 John's was a pure heel and toe style, without the 
 shadow of a trot, and it was not so much his pace — for he 
 was by no means a fast walker — as his mechanical, 
 monotonous, untiring plodding, kept up hour after hour, 
 that gave him such wonderful mileage. 
 
 Fast walkers would go right away from him, but 
 fatigued with their exertions would have to rest, and 
 so lose time, but Johnny kept along at the same steady 
 swing, hour after hour, as tireless as an automaton 
 figure. 
 
 A rest of fifty minutes in Norwich, and at 2.30 he was 
 again on the road. 
 
204 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 At night, a vast concourse of people lined the road 
 from the Foundry Bridge to the Shirehall Tavern, while 
 hundreds proceeded up the Thorpe Road to meet the 
 pedestrian before he reached the city. At half-past 
 eleven those along the Thorpe Road caught sight of 
 the hero swinging along, accompanied by many 
 Yarmouth people on horseback and in gigs. 
 
 It was only with great difhculty that a clear course 
 could be kept for him, but he ultimately succeeded in 
 crossing the bridge and making his way up Rose Lane. 
 In the meantime, the people who had journeyed to 
 Thorpe, upon their return demanded free toll, and being 
 refused, the toll-keepers were knocked down and the 
 gate smashed, and the crowd swept on to the Shirehall 
 Tavern, which Mountjoy reached at 11.40, having 
 successfully accomplished a very remarkable feat. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 BROADLAND VALENTINES. 
 
 Dwellers amid the watery wastes, two or three 
 generations since, were an eminently practical people — 
 straightforward, bluff, and honest, but without a particle 
 of poetry in their natures. 
 
 Valentines they knew of and thoroughly believed 
 in, but they were not the valentines of the .close of her 
 glorious Majesty Queen Victoria's reign. 
 
 " Walentins were all wery well in my young days, 
 bor," remarked a nonogenarian, " but they worn't them 
 fribblous bits o' paper ov all mander of colors stuck 
 together, with little bits of gays and faltheralls what 
 they sind now. 
 
 " When I wuz a gal we didn't hev none o' them there 
 peaper things what are no good at all — ^yew can't eat 
 'em or drink 'em, and they're no use only to look on. 
 
 "We used to hev nice bags o' things sent, and little 
 hampers of good things what yew could eat and drink, 
 and even great tarnups used to be scuped out and filled 
 wi' all mander'er useful things. 
 
 " Bah ! the older the warld get the silHer it get tu ! 
 
2o6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 But wi' its peaper rubbish, and its fine dresses, and 
 great tall hats, and make-believe fine manners and 
 framing speech, it ain't no better than when I wuz a 
 gai Folks knew theirselves then and were comfortable 
 and happy, and that's more then yew kin say for the 
 present generation of fal-lal-fribbles ! " 
 
 There! what do you think of that for an old lady 
 of ninety-three ? Such a speech set the writer thinking 
 and asking questions, especially about valentines, and 
 he has come to the conclusion that the old lady was 
 certainly correct in deploring the decadence of the old 
 custom of sending valentines in the Norfolk fashion. 
 
 The old lady lived when the custom was at its best, 
 but before she died it had so declined as to be practi- 
 cally obsolete — save for the sending of a few paper 
 confections either of a lacey or " comic " character : the 
 latter kind even having so far degenerated as to forget 
 their missive to cause laughter as to become vehicles 
 for imparting pain, slander, and unpleasant feeling. 
 
 Probably in a few more years the extinguisher will 
 be put completely over St. Valentine — ^who after all 
 appears to be no man's child — ^for no one appears to 
 know who he was — and by the middle of the century 
 he will be classed with the Mastodon, Pterodactyl, and 
 Dodo. 
 
 The Saint has become a sinner. 
 
 In old days St. Valentine was a most mysterious 
 being. One heard a tap at their door on February 
 14th, and on opening it there would be a parcel, hamper. 
 
BROADLAND VALENTINES, 207 
 
 or what-not on the threshold. These would contain 
 substantial gifts — gloves, handkerchiefs, purses, or other 
 handy articles, or dairy produce — geese or ducks — a 
 ham — smoked pork or other comestibles, but never the 
 7iame of the slender! 
 
 Then the puzzle was " Whoever sent this ? " 
 
 Then could the good squire or wealthy resident pre- 
 pare his or her welcome valentines for the poor ; but 
 now, alas, the charm is broken, the custom degenerated, 
 and paper, often mockery and vulgarity, take their 
 places. 
 
 Many yet live who can remember the good old 
 Norfolk custom of sending huge turnips on Valentine's 
 day. These turnips were neatly scooped out and their 
 pulp replaced with gifts worth the having. 
 
 A turnip or swede does not appear to be large 
 enough to contain a meal for ten or a dozen persons, 
 but such a feast has frequently been concealed in a 
 big bulbous root. 
 
 Two ducks, a fowl, and three pounds of sausages 
 were the contents of one large turnip. 
 
 Another enormous turnip contained a twelve-pound 
 turkey and its " trimmings " — four pounds of sausages. 
 
 Rabbits, butter, pork-cheeses, and many other edibles 
 were frequently enclosed in these hollow turnips. 
 
 One of the largest turnips Valentine ever sent was 
 in 1832. It was stuffed with a hare, a brace of rabbits, 
 a brace of partridges, a brace of woodcock, a brace of 
 snipe, and a bottle of old cognac! 
 
2o8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 All these good things were contained in a single 
 turnip, which was of a very symmetrical form, measur- 
 ing forty-four inches in circumference, and hollowed 
 out till but little more than the outer skin was left. 
 
 What a nice little ornament for one's doorstep — ^and 
 larder ! 
 
 In 1828, Mr. John Shepheard, of Erpingham, drew a 
 turnip from one of his fields which weighed twenty- 
 three pounds, and measured forty-two inches in circum- 
 ference. This gave him a splendid opportunity for a 
 piscatorial valentine, which he embraced by cramming 
 into it the following fish. 
 
 A pike weighing five pounds, another of three pounds, 
 a fine perch of three pounds, another of one pound, 
 a tench of two pounds, another of one pound, and an 
 eel of two and a half pounds — in all seventeen pounds 
 of fish. This very curious valentine was sent to Dr. 
 Caltop of Great Surrey Street, Southwark, per coach. 
 A very handy valentine to turn up for a hungry man, 
 eh? 
 
 In 1 83 1, Michael Rust, of the Greyhound, Swaffham, 
 sent to Mr. Oal^en, of Maidstone, a large turnip of the 
 BefUn stock, taken from Mr. Bulling's farm. It was 
 hollowed out in the usual way, land lined with the 
 following useful articles for a family with vigorous 
 appetites : a brace of fine hares, a brace of beautiful 
 phleasantsi, and a brace of plump partridges — thirty 
 pounds of game. 
 
 The present reached its destination in safety, and 
 
BROADLAND VALENTINES. 209 
 
 the turnip shell was long preserved as a curiosity, such 
 a gigantic bulb never having been seen in Kent before. 
 It measured forty-five inches round, and was very sym- 
 metrical. 
 
 The old lady started this short chapter, and we will 
 allow her to close it with an anecdote. In her young 
 days the Methodists were called Ranters, from their 
 declamatory mode of preaching, and before educated 
 men occupied their pulpits, uneducated " local " 
 preachers, men of good intent but guiltless of eloquence, 
 frequently occupied the rostrum, and gave the congre- 
 gation " sermons " in the vernacular. Here is a speci- 
 men related by the old lady to the writer, and which 
 we will call 
 
 Pulpit Eloquence^ 
 
 The place was a Methodist Chapel on the coast, and 
 the preacher, a teamerman on a farm in the parish, who, 
 beaming round on his hearers, commenced : 
 
 " My dare frinds, I am spared once more, etc., etc. 
 
 " Now I thowt as I kem along the canser this mawnin', 
 well, now there's that chapel, thet's like a great pot 
 hung on the hake over a gret fierce hre — that's the 
 davel, sin, and all mander o' wickedness ! 
 
 '' Then yow, my frinds, are like onto dumplin's in 
 this here gret pot — ^^'ow are in hot water and no mis- 
 take! 
 
 O 
 
210 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 " An' wot is this here hot water ? Jest the same as the 
 flames, my frinds — it's sin, oncomfortable sin ! 
 
 "An' there yow bob about and bob about, but yow 
 can't get out on't 
 
 "An' then you ax me, 'And where do j^ow kem in?' 
 
 " Well, my dare frinds, I'll tell yer. 
 
 " I'm the spune a stirrin' on yer up, and a stirrin' on 
 yer up, and tryin' to get yer outer the hot water and 
 save yer. 
 
 " Now, friends, 'on't yer let me help yer ? Du ! du, du 
 as I tell yer ter du, and I'll get yer out as sure as yow 
 air the lost dumplin's and I'm the savin' spune ! " 
 
 Could eloquence from the pulpit go further? Could 
 picturesque similitude transcend such a declamatory 
 effort? 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 
 
 Wiley Green reckoned he knew all about the Broads, 
 and so he may have done, but he did not know what 
 it was to cater for a big crowd of sight-seers from the 
 Midlands. Wiley might know the nature of his birth 
 district well, but to know human Nature^ in the lump, 
 is another matter. 
 
 Wiley had wherries and yachts at his beck, so he 
 said to his partner : 
 
 " Let us advertise for a party and take them around 
 the broads at so much a head. Simple enough, you 
 know. Just leave it to me, and I'll work it out ! " 
 
 So Wiley advertised for a party, and in due time 
 away came a letter from, well, Tackford, in Yorkshire 
 — they don't spell it so, but no matter. 
 
 Forty-five pilgrims signified their willingness to try 
 a water trip, and all arrangements were duly made. 
 
 Wiley was in ecstasies, but his partner shook his head. 
 
 On a certain day in June two large wherries, two 
 large yachts, and a small one were ready for the 
 pilgrims, and at a stated time down trooped the part}-. 
 
212 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 It was a mixed party — ^very mixed — men and women 
 of all classes, from the town councillor and well-to-do 
 merchant to the mill hand out of work. Just such a 
 medley as accompanied Chaucer to Canterbury. 
 
 Chaucer got on well with his company because he 
 was not catering for them, but Wiley had an anxious 
 time because he was. Still, like Chaucer, Wiley Green 
 was " a chiel amang them takin' notes," with a view 
 " to prent 'em," so he was on the look-out for plenty of 
 incident — and he got it 
 
 " Now," said Wiley to Rogers, his partner, a placid 
 little man with clean-shaven face and long hair, " they 
 are here, but how the dickens are we ,to stow them? " 
 
 " Just look at that ! " said Rogers, pointing to a man 
 weighing about twenty stone, "you can't ask him to 
 sleep on a bit of a shelf -berth. Where will you fix him? 
 Now, you are boss of the show — ^boss away, and I'll 
 help you." 
 
 Wiley's blood ran cold as he was surrounded by a 
 seething crowd clamouring to know fifty things in as 
 many seconds. 
 
 What was one guide among so 'many tongues? 
 
 On river craft accommodation is limited, and Wiley 
 knew it, and anticipated a crowd that he could stow 
 away like sardines, but as he said to his partner : 
 
 " Who'd have thought this crowd of blessed aristo- 
 crats was to be let loose on us ? " 
 
 "Where shall 1 sleep, Mr. Green? " piped a tall, thin 
 dame, " out on her own," as the lads called it. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 213 
 
 " Can I and my wife have a cabin to ourselves? " said 
 a portly man with a face Hke an over-ripe tomato. 
 
 " Mr. Rogers," said a pompous man with a big voice, 
 " I must ask you to be good enough to find accommoda- 
 tion for my companion, Dr. C and myself in the 
 
 same cabin, and near the bath room ! " 
 
 '' Bath room ! " shuddered Rogers to himself, " what 
 do they want for thirty-hve shillings the trip } " 
 
 " I say, old fellow," said a jovial-looking individual, 
 seizing Wiley by the arm, " I've a couple of thumping 
 portmanteaus, where shall I put them ? " 
 
 " Where are they? " said Wiley, with some misgivings 
 as to where he could stow the lumber of the cheerful 
 pilgrim. 
 
 Just there, near the top of the load, look ! " said the 
 pilgrim, pointing to a railway wagon piled with luggage 
 to a dangerous height. *' Those two yellow ones." 
 
 Wiley nearly collapsed. 
 
 Did they take his fleet for pantechnicons, or floating 
 furniture depositories ? 
 
 Oh dear! what a terrible time Messrs. Green and 
 Rogers did have for the next two hours to be sure. 
 
 The perspiration stood in great beads on Wiley's 
 forehead, w^hile Rogers went jellified at the awful share 
 he had taken in the responsibiHties of the next few days. 
 
 If any man can realise what " Pandemonium let 
 loose " means, that man should be Wiley. 
 
 If any man knows the meaning of " Babel," it should 
 be his partner Rogers. 
 
214 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 For two mortal hours the hurly-burly went on, and 
 then something like order of sleeping was arranged — 
 some small ones two in a berth, some large ones claimed 
 for themselves a berth intended for two — some on the 
 floor, and some on the tables — ^but somehow all were 
 accommodated. 
 
 To one noble band of young fellows, chums from a 
 cotton mill, Wiley will ever be grateful — ^^they volun- 
 teered to sleep in the long cabin of the " Trillion," on the 
 floor, on the lockers, on the table, on their heads, ,any- 
 where if they could only be together. This greatly 
 relieved the congestion, or mutiny would probably have 
 broken out. 
 
 That Eiffel tower of luggage was jammed into a 
 big flat-bottomed cargo boat, and with an old man to 
 quant it, followed the fleet everywhere. Like a night- 
 mare, it turned up at all times of the night, and brought 
 much misery both to the partners and the pilgrims. 
 
 Why did they not tow it? 
 
 Because none of the pilgrims would have such on 
 incubus swinging behind their craft. 
 
 Let go! 
 
 And the fleet of five vessels, manned by a crew of 
 nine willing fellows, were off. 
 
 Wiley, in the smaller yacht " Lando," brought up 
 the rear, and ais reach after reac^h was negotiated, he 
 felt more comfortable ; he even smiled, and thought 
 after all he could give the pilgrims a good show for 
 their money, without a great deal of inconvenience to 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 215 
 
 himself, now that he had the huge composite party- 
 afloat ; but alas ! his troubles had not yet begun. 
 
 This he quickly discovered when he asked Dick 
 " Which craft are the^ potatoes aboard ? " 
 
 "Taters, Mr. Green? Why, you dou't mean a full 
 sack of 'em ? " 
 
 "Yes I do," anxiously exclaimed Wiley, "they stood 
 against the quay wall." 
 
 "And there they stand now, maaster," said Dick 
 cheerfully, "for I see 'em there as we left, not 'nowin' 
 'em to be oum." 
 
 Wiley groaned as he loosed the painter of the dinghy 
 towing behind, for he knew there was nothing but to 
 go back for them. " Three miles pulling back to Yar- 
 mouth, and then ten from the quay to Stokesby ! " and 
 he groaned again. 
 
 " Shell 'ax coom and gie thee a pull back ? " said one 
 of the bold young mill hands, looking at the disconsolate 
 Wiley, and realising that he had a tough job on hand. 
 
 Wiley jumped at the offer, inwardly blessing the 
 yoimg fellow, and away they went. 
 
 This was at mid-day. 
 
 At seven p.m. two haggard men reached Stokesby, 
 having rowed thirteen miles against the tide. They 
 were Wiley and his friend Bob, the mill hand. Not 
 bit nor drop had passed their mouths in all those hours, 
 but, and that was a source of delight to Wiley, the 
 pilgrims had had their first meal, and being ravenous 
 with fasting, it had passed off well. 
 
2i6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Some of the swells asked for serviettes, and wanted 
 to know if wi7ie was included ! 
 
 The rude or rather crude mariners waited at table 
 not quite to the edification of the " big bugs," as our 
 American cousins call swelldom ; but those w*ho did not 
 come out ,on the Broads expecting floating Hotels Cecil 
 were much amused at the awkwardness of the men. 
 
 It was dehcious to see them bowing and cutting sea 
 scrapes as they handed the viands 'round. 
 
 " Hev another pertater, mum? they are some of old 
 Pember's best,'' says the nautical waiter. 
 
 " Yes 'um," says another, " the bread is a bit warm ; 
 it's bin knockin' about on the foredeck since we ,left 
 Yarmouth." 
 
 " No, sir," says a third old veteran, " there ain't no 
 more gravy, Sam capsized it coming up the companion," 
 etc. 
 
 "Yes 'um, the salad is nice and fresh," says old Joe, 
 the oldest hand aboard ; " you see we always washes 
 it over the side in the river hereabouts, 'cos it's a bit 
 salty, and that makes it a bit flavourable." 
 
 " No, sir," says the same worthy in answer to an 
 interrogation from a gentleman, "they ain't many dead 
 cats about here, and if there v/az^ excuse me, sir, they 
 wouldn't get in among the wittles 'ithout our seein' 
 
 em 
 
 Well, after a good meal everyone seemed contented, 
 and "the boys," as the eight young companions were 
 called, took a stroll into Stokesby ; . they had not far to 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 217 
 
 go as the houses came right down to the river 
 bank. 
 
 They sat and smoked and joked till dusk, when some- 
 one brought out an ancient fiddle from a cottage and 
 began to scrape a tune for ,a copper, but this was too 
 tame for our " boys," so they fell to dancing, .taking 
 each other for partners. This also was voted tame 
 work till a kedgy old dame came along, whose waist one 
 of the }^oung rascals encircled and compelled her to dance. 
 
 The old lady did not seem particularly averse, indeed, 
 she seemed to be proud to show some of the steps of 
 her youth. But age and breath don't moise, as we say 
 in East Anglia, and the plucky old woman was soon 
 beaten. 
 
 " Her will," she explained was good, and so were her 
 legs, but " lork-a-mussy, it du make my ole bailers 
 (lungs) like as if they'd bust ! " 
 
 So she sat down on a pail and panted and was 
 comforted. 
 
 The hostess of the inn next took the g-reen, and soon 
 half the village was standing round, gaping and guffaw- 
 ing. Now was the chance for " the boys " to get young 
 partners. And they did. 
 
 Then someone found up a concertina with a cracked 
 note in it. 
 
 " What du that matter," said a wooden-legged man ; 
 " that there note suite me nicely, that it du ; when I 
 know 'tis comin' I jest jam down my timber-toe, and 
 that come in famous." 
 
2i8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Gradually the older pilgrims straggled down from the 
 yachts, then the rest of the village folk, till at last 
 every cottage was emptied of its occupants. 
 
 Lanterns were lighted and hung pn pitchforks, and 
 by ten o'dlock the yachts were as tenantless as the 
 cottages, ajnd " chuckleheds and mawthers " were flock- 
 ing in from every house within a mile ; for it was not 
 a quiet little " at home " dance — ^just a mere Cinderella 
 — ^but just such an affair as one sees in aj painting by 
 David Teniers, or other of the old Dutch masfers so 
 fond of portraying Boor carousals. 
 
 The noise of laug^hter and shouting might have been 
 beard a mile away ; and as the wealthier pilgrims were 
 very liberal with their money, everyone had what he 
 or she liked to drink. 
 
 Towards midnight someone set fire to a heap of 
 faggots placed near the water's edge for the purpose, 
 and that completed the picture. 
 
 Fifty couples were toeing it to the barbarous scraping 
 of a half-tipsy fiddler, with only about three teeth in 
 his old gums, and the dot and go one strains of a 
 metalHc-toned German concertina. Not that a man 
 is compelled to have a full set of teeth to fiddle well 
 — only he looked like a death's head more than a 
 violinist. 
 
 It was a picture to see the ruddy glare of the fire 
 striking on the numerous couples as they waltzed 
 round the burning mass, throwing their shadows in long 
 black bars right across the shimmering coruscating river. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 219 
 
 Here was a scene that no camera could depict, and 
 but few talented artists give more than a faint idea of. 
 Yet the glowing scene will live in the memory of those 
 present for many years to come. 
 
 It was simple, but the scene of a lifetime. It was 
 not cut and dried, but simply grew and grew, till old 
 and young were carried away by the excitement, and 
 pilgrims, crew, villagers, and watermen vied with each 
 other in making a memorable night, and they succeeded 
 beyond their expectation. 
 
 Had it been planned it would have fallen flat, but it 
 was an impromptu from the first, quite to the lighting 
 of the bonfire, and like it, went off with a roar to the 
 last 
 
 Had it been Christmas instead of summer-time there 
 might have been some misletoe about for the young 
 people, but as there was notj tJicy did very well without 
 it! 
 
 " Up in the morning early," was Wiley and Rogers' 
 song ; for cutting ham for nearly threescore hungry folk 
 is no sinecure. The two partners sat in their store cabin 
 for two hours preparing for breakfast, Rogers doling 
 out the tea and coffee, eggs and bread, jam and marma- 
 lade, while Wiley with sleeves rolled above his elbows 
 sat in front of a huge ham and carved and carved till 
 he was greased up to his funny bone. 
 
 Breakfast at eight, and with it a lot of complaints. 
 
 " Gent says why can't he have cocoa — he doesn't like 
 coffee or tea." 
 
220 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " Some blooming toff in the ' Wildflower ' says he can 
 never eat anything but hsh for breakfast, can't you get 
 him a sole ? " 
 
 And this in an inland village ten miles from the 
 nearest town. 
 
 " Couldn't Mr. and Mrs. Highstep have a fowl cooked, 
 or even a steak or ohop, if they pay a little more ? " 
 
 " The Misses Peeky must have brown or wholemeal 
 bread ; they never heard of white bread only being served." 
 
 Wiley, shiny with grease, and Rogers pale from 
 want of sleep, for the catering task was a nightmare to 
 him, looked blankly at each other. 
 
 Rogers said, " Well, I'm blowed ! " 
 
 Wiley exclaimed : " I'm ," but a crash of crockery 
 
 overhead cut short hi?, exclamation as he laid .back 
 resignedly with a groan in the locker-breth he was 
 sitting upon. 
 
 " He's saved some on 'em, Mr. Green, fower if not 
 five," said a voice through the skylight. 
 
 " And what is broken ? " asked Rogers, " and how 
 many ? " 
 
 " Plates, sir ; he had about tew dozen, and slipped 
 upon a bit of ham fat." 
 
 The pilgrims were in ecstasies at the smash, the 
 partners the reverse, for their stock of crockery was 
 limited. 
 
 Off again, and Acle Bridge was successfully 
 negotiated ; then a pause, during which the fleet was 
 moored along the river wall. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 221 
 
 Certain beefsteak, also fruit pies, had been ordered at 
 Ada town ; also threescore loaves, but where were they ? 
 They should have been at the Bridge in the bakers 
 cart by eleven o'clock, it was pow past twelve. A 
 messenger was presently sent, who returned with the 
 news that a fair was being held, and the promised 
 pies and bread would be down by one o'clock ; they- 
 were still in the oven. 
 
 More grumbling. Some wanted to see a country fair, 
 others wanted to up sail and get along. Another de- 
 tachment, principally ladies, wanted the fleet to stay 
 where it was while they went for a row, and the partners 
 felt like the old man and his son, to say nothing of the 
 donkey, Wiley wanted to please everyone, but how 
 was he to do it? 
 
 He rang a bel'l on the river wall and assembled the 
 straggling pilgrims, asking them what was their wish. 
 Put to the vote the ballot came out " Go on." But 
 some of " the boys," hearing of the fair, had already 
 started for the roundabouts and swings. 
 
 Resolved that we go on, and leave a yacht and two 
 hands to bring them along to our next camping ground, 
 St. Eenet's Abbey. 
 
 Lunch at two p.m., and at three o'clock four of the 
 fleet were hoisting sail, when a big dust and a loud 
 noise was noticed some distance up the Acle road. 
 
 Then several flying figures were perceived emerging 
 from the dust — it lay on the dry roads an inch deep — 
 and ever and anon these figures were joined by others.. 
 
222 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 whereupon a battle took place. Then half a dozen 
 separated themselves from the rest and indulged in 
 short runs and violent antics. 
 
 What could it mean? 
 
 Out came several pairs of field glasses, which the 
 pilgrims carried, and someone exclaimed : 
 
 " Why, it's a fight, and those few men are throwing 
 stones to keep off a score or more men and boys." 
 
 " By Jove ! " sung out Wiley Green of the " Berold " 
 " it's ' our boys ' with half Acle after them Come on ! " 
 And jumping ashore, followed by fifteen or twenty of 
 the pilgrims and crew, he dashed along the river path 
 to the rescue. 
 
 The sight of the reinforcements was sufficient, for 
 the mob wavered and then stopped in a crowd, while 
 " our ,boys " regained their vessel, the " Trillion," es- 
 corted by the pilgrims. 
 
 Two had a black eye apiece, one a lump on his cheek, 
 and another one on his head so large that he could not 
 get his cap on. 
 
 "Whatever is the matter?" asked everyone at once. 
 
 " Oh, nowt," said .the spokesman. " Bob kissed some- 
 one else's girl by mistake, and her fellow fought him — 
 a big strong seafaring chap, double Bob's size, but 
 Bob was too clever for him, and gave him more than 
 he received. So another sailor lad struck Bob, and then 
 'ah took it up, and very sune Job and Hacker and the 
 tothers jined in, and we had a regular free fight 
 
 " It wer joost proper, on'y they got too many for us 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 223 
 
 like, and we had to retreat. They followed us right 
 away from t' town three to one, but when they saw you 
 lads, they joost turned tail, every won of 'em. 
 
 " 'Ah've gotten a black eye, and a bloody nose, and 
 a chip oot o' me yer, but 'ah wouldn't a mist it for 
 somethin'. 'Ah'l recollect it for years to coom, and so 
 will soom o' they chaps, 'ah'l warrant." 
 
 Faces were sponged and a little delay occurred while 
 the " Trillion " was being .made ready to sail, but just 
 as her sail w'as hauled up a lad came running along the 
 bank with a note addressed " To the seven chaps wot 
 come to Acle." 
 
 Its contents were somewhat strange. 
 
 " If you chaps ain't outer mi parish in wun hower 
 from now I will .bring up some mor trupes, and we will 
 bomberd every winder in yore hole flete, becorse we 
 know hew you air. 
 
 " So no more frum 
 
 " Yors trewly, 
 
 " The Mayer of Yarmouth wen he's atome." 
 
 The young bloods wanted to take reinforcements 
 and drive the fishermen back to Acle, but wiser council 
 prevailed, and the fleet sailed without waiting even 
 " wun hower." 
 
 " Our boys " were evidently in fault, or the Yarmouth 
 lads would not have molested them. 
 
224 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Wiley did not care a snap, he had got his pies and 
 bread, and for once felt happy. 
 
 At St. Benet's Abbey the pilgrims enjoyed them- 
 selves greatly, such a queer, historic old ruin standing 
 so solitarily in the marshes pleased them — only there 
 was not quite enough ruin left. The sample was good, 
 but they wanted more bulk ; there was too much for the 
 imagination and too little of the reality. 
 
 It has been said that those who feed on fancy require 
 a good digestion ; if such is the case, Wiley provided a 
 veritable feast for the ladies of the party ; he fed them 
 on his imagination till they were satiated, but indiges- 
 tion did not appear to follow. 
 
 It c'ame about thus : while Wiley superintended .the 
 preparation of dinner, Rogers was deputed to convey 
 the .party round the ruins, and explain to them as well 
 as ihe could the history of the ancient fane, and its still 
 more ancient site, as a spot set apart for religious 
 observances. 
 
 Rogers did fairly well, and interested the pilgrims 
 exceedingly, so much that the ladies especially wanted 
 to know more about the Abbey and its surroundings, 
 ' and after dinner deputed two of their number to per- 
 suade " dear Mr. Wiley Green " .to cicerone them round 
 the grounds, and tell them all he knew of the legends 
 and other matters appertaining to the place. Mr. 
 Rogers had done his best, but they were sure Mr. Green, 
 who had read so much of the old place, could tell 
 them a great deal more. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS, 225 
 
 Wiley's eyes glittered, and the corners of his mouth 
 puckered as he thought what a glorious opportunity 
 this would be to ride his hobby of imagination. 
 
 Yes, he would be very pleased to take them round, 
 and point out a few items which his partner had 
 omitted. 
 
 Some of the old buffers took forty winks after dinner, 
 and made themselves very comfortable on the 
 mattressed locker-berths. The younger men took the 
 five dinghy s and went rowing or sailing. The lovers, 
 of which there were two or three couples, went good- 
 ness knows where, they simply vanished. 
 
 Wiley's party consisted of about a dozen, including 
 three gentlemen, and away they went, hoping to learn 
 from their guide much of interest And they did. 
 
 Said Wiley : " But little now remains of the beauti- 
 ful church, which formerly stood within the walled 
 grounds of thirty-eight acres. Simply the lower portion 
 of one side wall of the nave, and also of the northern 
 transept, but we know from documents and drawings 
 still extant, that it was once a very fine building crowned 
 with a lofty central spire. Its building is said to have 
 commenced in " 
 
 " Oh, excuse me a moment, Mr. Green, what is this 
 peculiar recess or niche in the wall, has it any particular 
 significance ? " 
 
 '' Oh yes, madam," said Wiley to the thin elderly 
 maiden who had interrupted him. " That is where the 
 workmen some years since came across the skeleton 
 
 P 
 
226 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 of a female with a parchment round her waist, upon 
 which in choice Latin was inscribed the reason of her 
 being immured here. She was taken, without a charac- 
 ter, as a female cook, a very unusual thing in those days, 
 and given a trial as chef to the Abbot. She does not 
 aj>pear to have suited. She made a hash of it, and 
 got into a stew, and the Abbot was so wrath when he 
 discovered her shortcomings that he ordered her to be 
 walled up, as was the practise in those days. She is 
 said to have been sister to Nell Cook of the Ingoldsby 
 Legends." 
 
 A murmur of awe went round, not unmixed with 
 approval, which greatly encouraged Wiley, who had 
 imagined his story from the fact of seeing during one 
 of his previous visits the remains of a sheep at the spot, 
 whose bones were being picked by crows. 
 
 "What is that old brick tower, Mr. Green, which 
 rises apparently from some more ancient building?" 
 asked a lady, peering at the curious pile through her 
 gold-rimmed pince-nez. 
 
 " That," said Wiley, " is the tower of an ancient mill 
 built through the crown of the gateway, so that one 
 might support the other. They are not contempo- 
 raneous — the gateway being much the older building, 
 as you may observe." 
 
 " Is there any legend or story attached to it ? " asked 
 a mild-looking young man, whose forehead and chin 
 both retreated at such sharp angles that his nose 
 appeared a promontory, and gave a look of continual 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 227 
 
 surprise to his remarkable features. Imagine the ace of 
 diamonds with a wedge-shaped section cut out of the 
 S.W. face, and you have his ingenuous profile exactly. 
 
 " Well," quoth Wiley, " a few words may be said 
 about the curious combination of the gatehouse and 
 mill, but not much. Still I will tell you what I know 
 of them. 
 
 " At one period the Monastery attached to the Abbey 
 was simply supported by tithes, and nothing more; 
 and as every farmer grew nothing but corn, the monks 
 could have nothing but wheat and barley for tithes. 
 The farmers' poverty was such that they had nothing 
 else to offer. 
 
 " Seeing that great quantities of grain were coming 
 in, the monks became millers, and erected the building 
 you see before you ; and there the corn, or as they called 
 it 'poverty,' was ground. Thus you see was invented 
 the term ' grinding poverty,' which in our day is used 
 in quite another manner, showing that times greatly 
 alter the significance of things." 
 
 Wiley looked around at his audience to see the effect 
 of this flight of imagination, and noted that it was 
 swallowed as easily as a duck might have swallowed a 
 grain of the Abbot's wheat. 
 
 He was encouraged to try another, 
 
 " This, ladies," said Wiley, flourishing his hand to- 
 wards a wall (near the gateway) pierced with long slits, 
 " is a;ll that remains of the once famous kitchen, whose 
 table once groaned beneath the load of fish, fowl, and 
 
228 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 meat imposed upon it. Monkish laugh and quip and 
 crank have all vanished, the last joint has been roasted, 
 the last pike (stuffed with sage and onions grown in 
 the Monastery garden) has been baked, and not even 
 a smell remains behind to remind us of its former 
 glories." 
 
 " May I ask," smirked a fair damsel, " the meaning of 
 those long holes in the wall? They appear too narrow 
 for windows, and too long for the mere admission of 
 air — ^for ventilators." 
 
 " Well, miss," commenced the unblushing Wiley, 
 " they had many uses. Primarily they were for use as 
 windows — no glass in those days, miss, but plenty of 
 fresh air — secondly as vent holes to let out the volumes 
 of steam from the great caldrons of hsh on Fridays, 
 that day being, as you know, their fast day. 
 
 " By the way, an occurrence in this kitchen gave rise 
 to another well known saying. It so happened that 
 the good Abbot of that day had invited old Sir John 
 Falstaff, of whom you read so much in Shakespeare's 
 plays, to dine with him, and have a hand at 'nap,' or 
 whatever game was then in vogue. 
 
 " It was Friday, and a huge caldron or kettle of 
 dainty fish was being prepared for dinner, but was for 
 some reason not served up at the proper time. The 
 Abbot in wrath strode away to the kitchen, flagellum in 
 hand, to interview the chief cook. 
 
 " Imagine his dismay when he entered the kitchen 
 and found the contents of the kettle strewn all over 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 229 
 
 the floor, one of the two servitors who was carrying 
 it having tripped over a sandal someone had dropped. 
 
 " * Gadzooks ! ' roared the Abbot, ' here's a pretty 
 kettle of fish ! ' and with his flagellum he smote right 
 and left, till the cooks and scullions howled again ^nd 
 fled in dismay. 
 
 " This," chirruped Wiley, " was the origin of the 
 saying, ' Here's a pretty kettle of fish ! ' when an 
 accident or uproar occurs. 
 
 " By-the-bye, I may tell you that these peculiar slits 
 of windows — ' squints,' as they were technically termed 
 — served other purposes than to admit light ; they 
 effectively excluded villagers, and prevented their in- 
 gress, and also precluded the egress of the monks, some 
 of the youngest of whom, notwithstanding their cloth 
 — rather rough in those days — ^were inclined to skittish- 
 ness. 
 
 " You will notice that the slits forming the very 
 limited window space are of various widths : this one 
 was an inch wide, the middle one two inches, and , the 
 other four inches wide. 
 
 " They were used as pike gauges. A fish filling the 
 large aperture, when passed through head first, was 
 reserved for the Abbot's own table. Those filling the 
 middle aperture were reserved for the upper brethren 
 and officials, while those which would not pass through 
 the inch gauge were reserved for the common or garden 
 monks — so called from being cultivators of vegetables 
 and herbs for the commimity." 
 
23© THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 "What about the fish that went through the narrow 
 gauge?" asked a fat little man from the North. 
 
 " Oh, those," said Wiley with a polite bow, " were 
 given to the poor, who stood outside every Friday 
 awaiting their dole." 
 
 Away he strode with his company to the fish-ponds, 
 where he pointed out the ponds for the various fish. 
 
 '' Here," said he, " were the tench ponds ; that one 
 was for carp, these two for eels, that for trout, and these 
 large ones for pike." 
 
 " And what are these tree stumps set in rows between 
 the ponds ? " asked a member of the party. 
 
 " Those," responded Wiley without a moment's hesi- 
 tation, " are the remains of apple, quince, and pear- 
 trees, placed so as to overshadow the ponds and so pre- 
 vent the fish having sunstroke, as in those days the 
 summers were very hot and the ponds very fleet. 
 
 " I need hardly tell you that in those days the pike 
 grew to an enormous size, in fact, some kept as 
 curiosities for several generations became veritable 
 giants. Their teeth grew amazingly, quite commen- 
 surate with their huge bodies, and they became so 
 fierce that at certain times of the year they had to 
 be chained to the tree stumps by a hook through the 
 lower lip — this was to prevent them flying at the 
 monks. 
 
 "We read, indeed, in that old black-letter tome, 
 ' Liber Asinorum,' chap, xxiii., that ' Ye pyke of Saynte 
 Bennet hys Abbeye be growne soe lustie they doe 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS, 231 
 
 y'come outen ye ponds, and doe erite ye grasse lyke 
 unto an oxe ; moreover, ye goode Abbote, Simon de 
 Horsteade, hath, for theyse two yeres past, playced two 
 offe them at ye gates offe ye Abbeye during ye night, 
 that their loude barkynge may arouse ye porter when 
 a wearie wayfairer dothe seeke admittaunce.' " 
 
 Wiley noted the effect of the extract on his Hsteners, 
 and noted that it went down as comfortably and as 
 unchallenged as mother's milk down a baby's gullet, so 
 he enlarged a little on the subject on being asked : 
 
 " To what length do you think those pike grew, Mr. 
 Green? " 
 
 " Well, sir, a pike is a curious fish ; he appears never 
 to get old, but continues to grow and grow year after 
 year. Now a pike at a year would be, say, six inches 
 long, at three years a foot, and in five years twenty 
 inches. Then at ten years he would be, say, thirty 
 inches, and on reaching a score years he would be at 
 least fort}' inches. 
 
 " Now suppose for each decade we allow his growth 
 to be only ten inches — an inch per annum — he would 
 be fifty inches long at thirty years of age and sixty 
 at forty years ; and so if we proceed we find that a 
 centenarian pike would be 120 inches long — that is ten 
 feet — a foot longer than this field gate on which my 
 hand is now resting. 
 
 " His teeth grew like steel harrow-tines, and his scales 
 protected him like armour, so that you may imagine 
 when one of these brutes broke loose it must have been 
 
232 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 a lively time for the monks, whose only means of killing 
 the amphibious monster was with the cross-bow. 
 
 " But here we are at another interesting spot. 
 
 " These riverside foundations mark the site of the 
 monks' washing-place — or as we should call it at the 
 present day, their laimdry. 
 
 " In times of scarcity, when the wheat crop failed, 
 the worthy monks were fain to look about them for 
 means of support other than the almost absent tithes. 
 
 " At such periods they took in washing, and it is on 
 record that their ironing was remarkably well done — 
 so that the neighbouring barons and their ladies had 
 no hesitation in recommending them to their friends. 
 
 " Here stood the great callidarium, where they made 
 their water hot," said Wiley, sweeping his foot round 
 in a half circle, "and that," nodding his head to an 
 upstanding piece of flint-work, "was the east side of 
 their drying and mangling room; while the finished articles 
 were packed in a small room quite overhanging the river. 
 
 " You have heard of our infamous King John losing 
 his clothes in the Wash? Well this was the very spot 
 where it occurred. A violent storm so flooded the Bure 
 that the press-room floor was carried away, and with 
 it the whole of King John's underwear. He was of 
 course in a great rage, but that was nothing unusual with 
 him. He was " 
 
 " I always thought," interrupted the little fat man 
 from the North, " that King John's clothes were lost 
 in the Wash on the north-west coast of Norfolk." 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 233 
 
 "A popular error, my dear sir," explained Wiley, 
 colouring a little, "this is the actual spot I can assure 
 you, and it is to the present day called from the event 
 the Wash." 
 
 (The mendacious guide was partly right, for it really 
 is the spring washing-place for sheep, who are bundled 
 off the ruins into the river, and there poked and hauled 
 about with crooks and forks till they are clean.) 
 
 " But is there not some legend of love, some pretty, 
 tender story attached to this ancient Abbey? Surely, 
 during the rolling centuries some true heart has here 
 found its affinity? Can you not remember some legend? 
 Oh, do try, Mr. Green ! " 
 
 This was put to Wiley by a "^all thin lady of un- 
 certain age, one of two sisters — as like as two seed peas 
 — wrinkled and yellow. 
 
 Wiley was somxCwhat staggered, as love stories were 
 not in his line, or at any rate, were not his strong 
 point in " humming." 
 
 Still he readily replied : 
 
 " Oh, I think I can remember a legend, but I will 
 relate it presently when we come to the spot, and in 
 the meantime there are several other things I should 
 like to tell you about 
 
 This was simply subterfuge on Wiley's part to gain 
 time and invent something befitting the place. 
 
 He had been to Pere la Chaise in Paris, and had 
 heard the story of Heloise and Abclard, but could not 
 for the life of him remember either how it beean or 
 
234 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 how it ended. Perhaps it might come back to him as 
 he wandered along. 
 
 " Now," said he, " from this point, with your backs 
 to the river, you may obtain a good view of the extent 
 of the Abbey grounds. Fancy in your minds a drawn 
 bow : the string is represented by the River Bure, and 
 the ruins of the outer wall, flanked by the moat, the 
 bow itself. To your right was the hospital and boat- 
 houses, to the left the Abbey gate, and in the centre 
 the grand old church. Straight before us stood the 
 postern, or little gate, leading to the palace at Ludham, 
 the residence of the Bishop. 
 
 "We will please continue our walk along the river 
 bank, and then turn and walk along the ruins of the 
 outer wall encompassed by the broad moat." 
 
 " May I ask ' what is a moat ? ' " asked a shabby little 
 woman, whose chin always rested on her breast except 
 when walking, and whose underlip protruded so much 
 that it suggested an idea for a pin-tray or shelf for 
 bric-a-brac. 
 
 "A moat? yes, a moat is a eh, that is, it is 
 
 used at different times for many different purposes," 
 commenced Wiley, strugghng for an idea, for his 
 thoughts were wandering on a love story for the thin 
 lady. " Its first use is to guard a house, or castle, or 
 other place from sudden attack, and it was no doubt 
 first constructed by the builders of the great wall for 
 that purpose. 
 
 " But the monks kept their geese and ducks there. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF ThE BROADS. 235 
 
 and also used it as a swimming course, their annual 
 swimming gala taking place there. They held the 
 Norfolk Abbey's swimming championship for many 
 A'ears, and Father Tom, once for a wager with the 
 Abbot, swam fifty lengths in six hours, a performance 
 remaining unbeaten to the present day. 
 
 " In the winter-time it was their skating track, and 
 was much safer, in case of ax:cidents, than the Bure, 
 which was very deep." 
 
 FATHER TOM, THE SKATER. 
 
 " Bone skates were the things in those days, madam. 
 Just a narrow bone, well-rasped down, and some holes 
 drilled through it : thongs bound them to the monks' 
 feet, and away they went over the glassy surface at 
 an amazing speed — ^great fat, burly men, whooping with 
 delight like so many school children. 
 
 " Father Tom was cham.pion skater, as well as 
 swimmer, of East Anglia, and poor fellow, he eventually 
 won the championship of all England, but in doing so, 
 a sad accident resulted in his losing his life. Alas ! 
 poor Father Tom!" 
 
 " Oh do tell us all about it, Mr. Green 1 " came \\\ a 
 chorus from the ladies. 
 
 Wiley continued .- " It was a very simple matter. He 
 and Father Peter, of Croyland, and Father Jabez, of 
 Glastonbur}', were acknowledged to be the three fastest 
 skaters of their day, and one severe winter it was 
 
236 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 arranged that these three should meet at Ely in the 
 fens, and there have a straight away race of ten miles 
 to ascertain who was the veritable champion of all 
 England. 
 
 " On a certain day in February, 1 307, the race was 
 duly run before a vast concourse of the greatest nobles 
 of the land ; even the King, who happened just then 
 to be on a visit at Cambridge, honoured the occasion 
 with ihis presence. 
 
 " To make a very long story short, Father Tom 
 simply romped away from his opponents, and at the 
 half-way post led by 300 yards ; at eight miles he was 
 500 yards ahead and going great guns, anxious to make 
 record time. 
 
 "As he flew over the capital black ice he turned his 
 head to get a peep at Fathers Peter and Jabez, and in 
 doing so he did not notice a hole in the ice in front of 
 him. In a moment in he plumped, and his poor neck 
 came with a terrific speed against the thin edge of the 
 ice on the opposite side of the hole and cut his head 
 clean off. Away went his body beneath the ice, while 
 the head went whizzing along the surface. 
 
 " Strangely enough body and head went at the same 
 speed, and coming to another hole in the ice, some 
 fifty yards further on, just as the body popped up the 
 head clapped itself on the neck and — ^yes, ma'am, it was 
 indeed remarkable — Father Tom clambered out of the 
 hole not knowing what had befallen him, and before 
 he could pull himself together again — literally together 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 237 
 
 again, you will observe — the other two monks flew past 
 him and were soon a couple of hundred yards ahead, 
 and only two miles to the winning post! 
 
 " To do or die. Father Tom set off at his best speed, 
 and in less than a mile had overtaken his rivals. Away 
 and away he went, and Anally won the race easily by 
 nearly 200 yards. 
 
 " The King was delighted, and called lustily for the 
 redoubtable Father Tom, who quickly appeared before 
 him, and was about to kneel, but the King took him 
 by the hand and said excitedly : 
 
 " ' By my 'halidame, and thou art indeed a sturdy 
 monk ; not even icy water can check thine ardour ; 
 hadst thou been any but one of the cassock and sandal 
 I had made thee a Baron.' 
 
 " Father Tom stooped, and was about to kiss the 
 royal hand, when, to the amazement of all present, his 
 head tumbled off and rolled at the King's feet, whither 
 his body quickly followed it. 
 
 " It was the opinion of the court physicians of the 
 period that, but for Father Tom bowing to the King, 
 the wound might have ' healed by first intention.' 
 
 " Such was life in mediaeval times. Father Tom's 
 head was not the only one to roll at a monarch's feet, 
 for in those days the axe of the executioner was con- 
 stantly kept bright by use." 
 
 " Now I must call your attention," said Wiley, pausing 
 
238 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 at a break in the remains of the wall, just in the centre, 
 where the curve is at its full, "to this opening in the 
 wall, for here formerly stood the postern gate, which 
 gave the Abbot a short cut to his palace at Ludham" 
 
 THE STORY OF HELOARD AND ABELOISE. 
 
 " The story I am going briefly to relate is said to have 
 taken place when Bolleyn was Abbot, but the year I 
 cannot give you. 
 
 " Bolleyn kept great state, for the Monastery was 
 then in its prosperity, and retained many more persons 
 about him than there was any need for — simply to 
 indulge his taste in luxury and to raise him in the 
 estimation of the barons and gentry of his see. 
 
 "Among his retinue was one — eh, let me see, oh, I 
 remember," said Wiley, as the names of those unfor- 
 tunate lovers, Abelard and Heloise, came to his mind, 
 " his name was Heloard, a student of Oxenford, who 
 acted as his amanuensis. 
 
 " Heloard was a young priest of fine presence, learned 
 and of good family, and the A"bbot trusted him im- 
 plicitly. 
 
 "Heloard might safely have been trusted with treasure 
 untold, or secrets of State, but still he was tempted, and 
 found not to be proof in another direction. In short, 
 he betrayed the trust imposed in him. 
 
 " The Abbot's brother, Hugh of Swefling, had a 
 daughter named Abeloise, who frequently stayed for 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 239 
 
 a week or ten days at the Abbey with her uncle, where 
 she was thrown much into the company of Heloard, and 
 naturally and inevitably fell in love with him, for he 
 was what they called in those days a ' proper man.' 
 
 " Right under the Abbot's nose they made love, but 
 he, indulgent man, had not the faintest suspicion of it, 
 until one day the Bursar of the Monastery told him of 
 a plot he had overheard or discovered, by which, on 
 that very night, Heloard had planned to carry off the 
 willing and beautiful Abeloise, renounce his priesthood, 
 and marry her, the heiress to the Swelling domains. 
 
 " Abbot Bolleyn v/as surprised, incredulous ; he could 
 not, VN^culd not believe such a thing against his only 
 niece and his young clerk of Oxenford. 
 
 " Still, at the Bursar's earnest request he promised to 
 keep an eye on the pair during the day, and to set a 
 v/atch both at the great gatehouse and the postern 
 gate when the day faded away. 
 
 " The poor Abbot watched the couple closely during 
 the day, and certainly, what he saw gave him grounds 
 for believing the warning of the Bursar to be needful. 
 
 " Now the Bursar, if the truth may be told, would 
 have much liked to stand in the shoes of young Heloard, 
 for he had himself more than a liking for the pretty 
 niece of the Abbot, although none but himself and the 
 fair one knew it. 
 
 " Night came, and the watch was secretly set ; and so 
 wrath was the Abbot that he had given orders to both 
 the porter at the great gate, and the guard at the 
 
240 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 postern gate to arm themselves, and should Heloard 
 attempt force, to strike him dead. 
 
 " Eleven was supposed to be the hour at which the 
 abcluction was to take place, and long before that time 
 the Abbot, armed with his good cross-bow, took up a 
 position at one of the casements in the north transept 
 of the church, which commanded the postern gate. 
 
 " It was a dark night, but the Abbot could just make 
 out the gate, and being a good shot, liaving been fond 
 of the chase from his youth up, he had no doubt but 
 that he could bring down his man at four score yards. 
 
 " Time passed slowly, but presently, starting from a 
 kind of reverie into which he had fallen, he saw two 
 shadowy figures at the gate. 
 
 " Just then the moon coming from behind a cloud gave 
 sufficient light for him to discern one of the figures to 
 be a man of large stature, but so muffled up as to be 
 unrecognisable. Still, the Abbot, in his rage, was sure 
 he could trace the stalwart form of Heloard beneath his 
 disguise, and without another moment's hesitation 
 raised his good crowsfoot cross-bow and fired. 
 
 " The figure fell, and the Abbot trembled, for he 
 suddenly realised that he had human blood on his soul. 
 
 " He knelt and prayed, then rushed to the postern 
 gate to find a number of monks gathered round the 
 prostrate figure. Calming himself with a great effort 
 he asked : 
 
 " ' What means this great disturbance at an hour 
 when all should be sleeping ? What is it, I say ? ' 
 
HE HAD HUMAN RI.OOI) OX HIS SOUL.—/. 24O. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 241 
 
 " ' The Bursar has been shot, my lord Abbot,' ex- 
 plained the brother supporting the recumbent form. 
 ' A quarrel from a cross-bow has transfixed him.' 
 
 " Then followed a great commotion as the poor fellow 
 was carried into the little hospital. No one could tell 
 how it had occurred, not even the watchman. The 
 Bursar, he explained, had just run out to see that he 
 was doing his duty and impress upon him the necessity 
 of watching the walls as well as the actual gate, when 
 he suddenly fell dead at his feet He gave the alarm, 
 and monks brought lanthorns, but from whence the 
 bolt came he knew not. 
 
 " In a few minutes the Abbot flew to his niece's 
 room, but only to find it empty ; then to Heloard's cell, 
 Vv'hich was also untenanted. 
 
 " The poor Abbot was beside himself with rage as 
 he sped as fast as his fat legs would allow him to the 
 great gate — only to find it unbarred, and the porter 
 lying beside it, stunned by a blow from the heavy key 
 Which had been removed from his girdle. 
 
 " ' My palfrey ! my palfrey ! ' roared the Abbot, ' bring it 
 hither quickly to the Refectory door; the villa)in has 
 escaped.' 
 
 " Nobody knew what all the excitement was about ; 
 some thought the Abbot had discovered the assassin 
 of the worthy Bursar, and others that he had gone 
 stark staring mad. Still, they did his bidding, and in 
 a few nnnutes his palfrey was saddled and bridled and 
 brought to the door. 
 
 Q 
 
242 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " Up leapt the Abbot, cross-bow in hand, and the 
 great oaken gate being opened, away he clattered over 
 the booming drawbridge, out into the murky night. 
 
 " He had a good idea that the fugitives would make 
 for the ferry, two miles down the Ant River, and if they 
 once succeeded in gaining the boat they would cross 
 in it, and so cut him off from following them. 
 
 " He jolted swiftly and bumpingly along the rugged 
 river bank, and when within half a mile of the ferry he 
 caught sight of the flying figures, evidently bent on 
 crossing with all speed. 
 
 " He refrained from shouting, hoping to get much 
 nearer before they were aware that he was following 
 them. Now the moon was obscured, and the path full 
 of holes, which rendered the footing of the palfrey very 
 uncertain, and slower progress had to be made for fear 
 the Abbot might be thrown, or the horse break a leg. 
 
 " Only a hundred yards at last intervened, when 
 Heloard, locking round, saw the shadowy form of the 
 Abbot riding through the mist of the river bank. 
 
 " ' My sweet one,' said the lover to the half -fainting 
 Abeloise, 'he will overtake us before we can reach 
 the ferry. Listen to his palfrey's hoof-strokes ! There 
 is but one way ,^o escape. Get thee upon my back, and 
 I will swim across with thee, dearest' 
 
 " Abeloise with sinking heart did as she was desired, 
 throwing her trembling arms around her brave lover's 
 neck. 
 
 " Heloard carefully entered the deep mud at the 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 243 
 
 river's reedy bank and struck out. He was young ajnd 
 lusty, and could just keep 'his mouth and nostrils above 
 the water as he breasted the current, bearing, what was 
 to him, the whole world upon his broad back. 
 
 " The river was not wide, and he had swum half 
 across when the Abbot arrived on the spot where lay 
 the mantle and hood of his wayward niece. 
 
 " ' Turn thee ! ' shouted the excited uncle, ' turn thee ! 
 and I may yet forgive thee, thou rascal priest." 
 
 " But Heloard heeded him not, only striking out the 
 more vigorously. 
 
 " ' Once more,' shouted the Abbot, ' I commajid thee 
 turn, or by our layde I will have at thee ! Stop, I 
 say!' 
 
 " No response was mxade, and Heloard had by this 
 time just reached the opposite bank, when the Abbot 
 seeing his quarry was about to evade him, raised his 
 bow, not at a venture, nor as one shoots in the dark, 
 for the moon was now throwing her lustrous light on 
 all beneath her, but as one bent to succeed, he aimed 
 his bow with murderous intent, the powerful twisted 
 thong sending its fcolt so true, that the 'couple rolled 
 back from the treacherous bank which they had gained 
 into the black water, transfixed with the same arrow, 
 and dead as Antony and Cleopatra. 
 
 " Behind you," said Wiley, pointing to an upstanding 
 tree stump growing on a mound, " is the resting-place 
 
244 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 of Abeloise and Heloard, for they were interred in the 
 same grave, and upon it was planted a plum-tree which 
 — or one of its descendants — ^wajs alive till a few years 
 since, when it was struck by lightning and killed. The 
 remarkable thing about that tree was, that every plum 
 had a curious double stone, which the villagers around 
 used to call 'the joined hearts of Abeloise and Heloard.' 
 
 " I think, ladies, it is now time for us to return to the 
 wherries as the evening is becoming somewhat chilly." 
 
 Everyone thanked Mr. Green for the very interesting 
 legends he had favoured them with, and some remarked 
 they wondered he did not collect them and have them 
 printed in book form. 
 
 Wiley blushed, and stammered something about his 
 being too modest to put his name to a book of stories, 
 which, after all, might not be true. 
 
 Whereupon the little fat man of the party who had 
 apparently been very interested with the recitals, winked 
 knowingly at Wiley, and drew him aside, standing on 
 tip-toe to whisper in his ear. 
 
 " Mr. Green, if you can't sling the hatchet with any 
 man I ever met in all my numerous travels, I'll eat my 
 boots. Still, I'll give you credit, you did it very well, 
 and rubbed it in very smoothly. When you spoke of 
 King John and the Wash, I thought you were very 
 nearly coming to grief, but you were quite equal to the 
 occasion. They were certainly tough yarns, and I 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 245 
 
 could certainly not swallow them as the others did, but 
 let us come and wash them down with a little Scotch 
 —eh? 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! those double plum-stones ! Well, you axe 
 a proper liar, and no mistake. But ' mums ' the word, 
 my boy, rely on me, I'll not give such a good fellow 
 away." 
 
 And he kept his word. 
 
 Wiley slept as peacefully that night as if he were a 
 stranger to tanadiddles, but as he said, what are half 
 the mediaeval romances ? — lies ! So he slept peacefully, 
 conscious of having enriched Broadland hterature by at 
 least twenty pages ; not even dreaming that legends 
 without foundation or the approving halo of years are 
 of little worth. He told his yarns quite four centuries 
 too late, but that was not his fault ; it was his mis- 
 fortune that he was not born sooner. 
 
 Poor man, he and others were awakened in the morn- 
 ing hy a crash overhead, and rushed on deck to find 
 that the boy Ben had blundered overboard with a dozen 
 more plates in his hand. 
 
 Wiley scruffed him out by the nape of the neck, and 
 administered a good hearty kick on the dripping lad's 
 rear for his carelessness. 
 
 " Bad start for the day," mumbled Wiley, as the sleepy 
 head of Rogers peeped above the coaming of the com- 
 panion, " and there'll be more trouble to follow, I'll 
 warrant." 
 
 And so there was, for soon after breakfast a trading 
 
246 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 wherry bumped accidentally against the " Jest," and 
 upset a form containing- four pilgrims, two ladies and 
 two gentlemen, who had placed their seat as far against 
 the low gunnel as it would go. 
 
 A scream and a splash, and there they were flounder- 
 ing in seven feet of water. 
 
 Over went a life-buoy — ^yards from the struggling 
 people' — and away it floated silently and uselessly down 
 stream. Out went a couple of quants, to which the 
 half-fainting damsels clung, and in went two of " the 
 boys " to the rescue. 
 
 Then men tumbled into the boats, and barking their 
 shins in their hurry, fumbled to untie the wondrous 
 knots made by the unnautical pilgrims when they made 
 the boat fast. 
 
 Everyone yelled and shouted, and two dogs aboard 
 
 barked in sympathy, and ^well, in two minutes the 
 
 six sodden pilgrims were on deck again, three nearly 
 fainting (including a male), one cursing and swearing, 
 and two laughing as if they would like it all over again. 
 They were " the boys " of course. 
 
 Wiley hanging on the inboard part of the quant 
 loo'ked pale but cool, while poor Rogers quivered like 
 an aspen leaf in a) breeze, his very teeth shaking like 
 castenets ; but once the danger was over he had towels 
 and blankets and hot spirits ready in less than a brace 
 of shakes, and earned the heartfelt thanks of all the 
 unfortunates. Rogers was himself again! 
 
 Poor Wiley shook his head : as a skipper he should 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 247 
 
 have looked on the thing as a simple Httle accident — 
 more as a joke than anything else — but he was a little 
 given to superstition, as all good Norfolk men are ; 
 he therefore shook his head dubiously, mumbling, 
 
 " The day is not through with its ill-luck yet." 
 
 Wiley was right, for about eleven p.m., Dropkins of 
 the " Herald " approached him with a long face : 
 
 " I say, Muster Green, I've a-bin a-looking at them 
 there pies we took aboard at Acle, and they right hum 
 agin, that they du. What shull we du about 'em? " 
 
 Wiley looked aghast. 
 
 Here was a blow at the commissariat that would have 
 
 staggered Napoleon himself, and it was Bank 
 
 Holiday too — Whit-Monday. 
 
 Muster Green inspected the nine great pies, and came 
 to the conclusion that they were uneatable — heat and 
 confined space had turned them to game, pies, and high 
 at that 
 
 " Faugh ! jest smell yew this one, maaster ! " said 
 Dropkins, holding one at arm's-length. 
 
 They were quietly but quickly consigned to a watery 
 grave. 
 
 Here was a dilemma! What was to be done? 
 
 Dropkins was despatched to Ludham, three miles 
 away, to ascertain if meat of any kind — ^pork, beef, 
 mutton, or veal could be had for love or money. It 
 was very doubtful, for in these out of the way plajces 
 they appear only to kill half a bullock at a time. 
 
 He returned in two hours with two and a half pounds 
 
248 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 of sturdy-looking steak, the whole contents of the one 
 little butcher's shop, and that said he was meant for the 
 dinners of the butcher and his family, who will now 
 have eggs instead. 
 
 Where was Rogers? 
 
 No one had seen him since the dreadful discovery 
 two hours before, but on Wiley going to the cabin to 
 prepare the coming lunch, 'he saw a paper on the table, 
 on which was written : 
 
 " I'm off to Wroxham to try for a supply of meat, 
 keep the pilgrims steady till I return. R." 
 
 " Well, he's plucky, anyway," mused the skipper, " for 
 it's a good six miles each way. Poor little chappie, I 
 hope he'll succeed, or the whole trip will be spoiled." 
 
 It was a doleful day for him, and try as he would 
 he could not be cheerful. He caught himself whistling 
 the "Old Hundredth" and "The Dead March from 
 Saul," for he felt sure Rogers' mission must fail ; who 
 ever heard of a country butcher having meat in his 
 apology for a shop on a Whit-Monday? 
 
 Wiley grew tired of watching ; but about two o'clock, 
 the boy Ben came up to him and asked if he would 
 bring a big basket up the road as Mr. Rogers v/as 
 back again. 
 
 Wiley jumped for joy, and ran like a big boy with 
 the basket over his head to where Rogers stood by 
 the side of a baker's cart, his face lighted with triumph. 
 
 Hurrah! the character of the caterers was saved, 
 there would be no breakdown in the commissariat this 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 249 
 
 trip ; for Rogers had procured four legs of mutton and 
 two good joints of beef, besides fourteen pounds of 
 prime sausages. 
 
 " Bravo, Rogers ! you deserve a statue as a public 
 benefactor," cried his partner. 
 
 The pilgrims never knew the desperate straits of 
 the caterers. 
 
 A nice sail to Horning Ferry gave an excuse for 
 handed-round refreshment instead of a " sit-down " 
 lunch — the crew being busy sailing. Hommg Ferry was 
 reached at 3 p.m., and at 5.30 a capitally cooked dinner 
 put the pilgrims in an amiable trim. 
 
 Just as at Stokesby, so at Homing, little bits of fun 
 had quite a big ending. 
 
 Someone ferreted out a hollow india-rubber ball, and 
 a copper-stick being lent by the hostess, the host of 
 the Ferry Inn gave the crew of the fleet permission 
 to use his paddock for a game of rounders or anything 
 else they desired to play. 
 
 At the sports they went, and of course " the boys " 
 must soon join in, then as it was a beautiful evening 
 the rest of the pilgrims must look on. 
 
 Presently some of the ladies were invited to join in, 
 then their friends, till at last ^ the fun and laughter 
 became so catching that even the old grey-beards joined 
 in, men who had not run twent}* yards during the past 
 twenty years. 
 
 It was wonderful to see what a large amoimt of fun 
 could be obtained from a bit of india-rubber and a stick. 
 
2 50 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 One old fellow, with a waist of aldermanic pro- 
 portions, ran like a deer, galloping with his knees up 
 like a thoroughbred trotter, and made everyone laugh to 
 such an extent that they could not hit him with the 
 ball, so that several times he romped round the bases 
 and saved his side, a feat the younger ones could seldom 
 accomplish. 
 
 And so the merry half-hundred played and enjoyed 
 all kinds of childish games, till, all to soon, the crepuscu- 
 lar light waned, and darkness dropped its mantle over 
 river and lea. 
 
 But it was only nine o'clock, and all being in a merry 
 mood adjournment was made to the largest room in 
 the inn — one which was furnished with a piano, but 
 unfortunately, no music. 
 
 Plenty of talent was available, but frequently when 
 a person was willing to give a song the accompanist 
 could not play it from memory, and vice versa; but 
 hearing of this the landlord put matters right by pro- 
 ducing a pile of little song books, published by Beecham, 
 of Pill fame, and the situation was saved. 
 
 The room was completely packed, and those who 
 could not obtain admittance lowered the top sash of 
 the window and joined in the choruses outside, where 
 the refrains were also taken up by the villagers and 
 others assembled. 
 
 Among those who gained access to the room was old 
 
 Captain , a well-known character, who, half seas 
 
 over, obliged with the ancient ditty " Lord Lovell." 
 
THE PILGRIiMS OF THE BROADS. 251 
 
 He pitched it in such a low key that, here and there, 
 when a low note came in he could not reach it, so 
 bobbed his chin on his breast instead, rolling his eyes 
 in a most ludicrous manner, looking like " a dying duck 
 in a thunderstorm," as the saying goes. 
 
 Soon everyone else's head was bobbing at the low 
 notes, and so much amusement caused by the novelty, 
 that it was the song of the evening. On the old fellow 
 being asked, later in the evening, to repeat his per- 
 form.ance, he made an attempt, but was too far gone. 
 He made a ludicrous effort, but his pipes failed him, 
 and he only gurgled a few notes before utterly 
 collapsing. 
 
 At ten o'clock, the burly village policeman edged 
 his way in, and by some stretch of the law, proceedings 
 were kept going furiously till midnight, when the still 
 warbling pilgrims stumbled aboard their respective 
 vessels, and rolled into their much required berths. 
 
 In the morning the weather had entirely changed, a 
 steady rain was descending, the river being covered with 
 a thin mist ; and so it continued throughout the day, 
 which was very unfortunate, as from Horning Ferry to 
 Wroxham is undoubtedly the most picturesque four 
 miles on the River Bure. 
 
 There is not much fun in standing about deck in 
 mackintoshes, viewing scenery half-hidden by mist, as 
 many of the " old masters " are by time, grime, and 
 varnish ; but what was to be seen the pilgrims saw, 
 and what was not to be seen had to be ima^-ined 
 
2 52 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 from Wiley's graphic if slightly exaggerated descrip- 
 tions. 
 
 Oh ! that Wiley ! Rogers had to pinch him several 
 times when he was spreading what he called the 
 '' glamour " on too thick. 
 
 " Spread it like honey," whispered Rogers. " Put it 
 on a nice even layer, and it goes down with relish, but 
 if you g-o and pile it on as you are doing you'll end in 
 making them sick." 
 
 So Wiley spread it thinner and they liked it. 
 
 The last night was spent at Wroxham, and it proved 
 a regular soaker, so that no one could go ashore to the 
 village, but the pilgrims issued their invitations from 
 yacht to yacht, and organized card parties, and little 
 sing-song parties, and visited each other, really passing 
 a very enjoyable evening despite the deluge — because 
 their surroundings were so novel and strange to them. 
 
 Going from wherry to wherry in boats, in the pouring 
 rain and darkness, seemed to pflease everyone, because 
 they were sure of a hearty greeting in the bright, cosy 
 cabins of their friends. 
 
 All was joy that evening except on the " TrilHon," 
 where " the boys " had a disagreement among them- 
 selves and a violent shindy took place. Wiley parted 
 the combatants, getting roughly handled as he did so, 
 and restored peace for a time ; but soon after he had 
 regained his cabin war again broke out, and once more 
 the red blood flowed, and language was cerulean. 
 
THE PILGRIMS OF THE BROADS. 253 
 
 partner from again interfering, but Wiley's " monkey 
 was on top of the pole," as he expressed it, and back 
 he went to the belligerents. 
 
 Then there was another shindy, worse than the first, 
 and Wiley, backed by three of " the boys," went in a 
 buster for the other six in the confined space of the 
 cabin, and pandemonium reigned for some minutes ; but 
 Wiley's warriors prevailed and peace was at last restored. 
 
 The belligerents were put in separate cabins — by 
 exchange — and Wiley, the bold, rejoined his trembling 
 partner, with a lip like a ripe tomato, a lump on his 
 cheek, and sundry areas of skin off his knuckles. He 
 scarcely looked like the victor he was, and he said 
 some very nasty things about personally conducted 
 trips as he sponged his face, but, good fellow, in half 
 an hour he had forgotten all about it — he snored ! 
 
 All night the deluge continued, and the last break- 
 fast was consumed with the rain blowing in gusts 
 against the cabin windows^ but still the pilgrims seemed 
 happy through it all. 
 
 At eleven three brakes arriv^ed to take the pilgrims 
 to their railway station (Stalham), and still it rained. 
 
 A meeting in mackintoshes and rugs was held, and 
 the spokesman of the pilgrims thanked the partners, in 
 no measured terms, for their incessant toil in making 
 their visit to Broadland an interesting and memorable 
 one. He thanked them heartily on behalf of the whole 
 party, whereupon three cheers were raised for the 
 partners, and an extra one for the crews. 
 
2 54 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Then clambering into their vehicles the pilgrims drove 
 away in the drizzle, cheering and waving their hand- 
 kerchiefs, till a turn in the road hid them from view. 
 
 The partners returned to the cabin of their yacht, 
 and as Wiley kissed his partner — for " Rogers," we 
 may disclose, was his devoted wife, he said, 
 
 " My opinion upon personally conducted and mixed 
 parties is changed, in future someone else may try their 
 luck. I've had some ! " 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN. 
 
 It has been said, and with some amount of truth, 
 that 
 
 " Satan finds some mischief still 
 For idle hands to do." 
 
 It is to be hoped, however, that in the following little 
 verses the reader will find no mischief, but that they 
 were the outcome of idle moments, the writer readily 
 admits. 
 
 Near an orchestra in a temporary theatre, somewhere 
 out West, a card was hung, on which wajs scrawled : 
 
 " Notice. Please don't shoot ; the musicians are 
 doing their best." 
 
 Kindly therefore, reader, do not criticise too severely, 
 for I hang out my card : 
 
 " Notice. I am not the laureate, I am only trying my 
 best to ajmuse." 
 
 Possibly the following, if set to music, might help as 
 one of a set of Broadland Songs to while away a wet 
 day. 
 
256 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 THE DELIGHTS OF THE BROADS. 
 
 In the spring of the year, 
 On the Broad and the Mere, 
 Mid the reed rands and osiers, loud singing, 
 Mark the tiny brown wren, 
 And the sable moorhen. 
 Tit-bits to their little ones bringing. 
 
 There the kingfisher gay, 
 
 And the heron in gre}^ 
 In the sunlight themselves are disporting ; 
 
 While the ruff and the reeve, 
 
 From bright morn till eve, 
 Together are now seen consorting. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Here's a cheer for the Broads, 
 
 That such pleasure affords ; 
 Hurrah ! for their bright waters gleaming, 
 
 Where gay youth and old age. 
 
 Dilettante or sage. 
 May indulge in delight and day dreaming. 
 
 In the sweet summer-time. 
 When the year's in its prime. 
 
 And the flowers are the banks gaily lining. 
 Doth the yachtsman delight, 
 On the trim " Hyter Sprite," 
 
 To " make way " ere the day is declining. 
 
 Then the eve has a charm, 
 
 Rosy waters are calm, 
 And the swallow swift-winged is seen hieing 
 
 While the beetle's loud drone 
 
 Tells another day's flown. 
 As the gold from the sky's slowly dying. 
 
 Chorus. Here's a cheer, etc. 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PE^. 257 
 
 In the autumn sublime, 
 
 'Mid the perfume of thyme, 
 Doth the angler enjoy these sweet waters. 
 
 When with line and with hook, 
 
 In some reed-hidden nook, 
 He may fish in the quietest of quarters. 
 
 Then the ravenous pike, 
 From his haunt in the dyke, 
 ] Goes forth to deep pools — clear ones shunning ; 
 While on nights dark and drear, 
 At the fall of the year. 
 The eels in their legions are "running." 
 Chorus. Here's a cheer, etc. 
 
 Come the skaters so gay, 
 
 When King Frost holdeth sway. 
 And the sledge-bells so clearly are ringing ; 
 
 Hand in hand lovers glide. 
 
 While the boys on their slide 
 With boisterous mirth are o'er brimming. 
 
 Through the gleaming white snow, 
 
 Soft the fowler doth go, 
 And he brings down the bird past him winging ; 
 
 While on bright, open days, 
 
 His quaint Norfolk lays, 
 The reed-cutter now is heard singing. 
 
 Chorus. Here's a cheer, etc. 
 
 Among the thousands who visit the Broads annually, 
 there must be many with poetic temperaments, men and 
 women alike, who are as full of poetry as a sausage 
 skin is with bread — pardon me, meat. 
 
 Why do they not burst into song and send it — good, 
 
 R 
 
258 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 bad, or mediocre — to some common centre, where it 
 may be collectedi and edited, and made up in book 
 form for the delectation of other visitors? 
 
 " Broadland Lays." That would sound well. Birds 
 are songsters, too, and many of them in our district 
 lay well ; why should not our Broadland visitors (the 
 human kind) have their " lays " also ? 
 
 One day an invitation came to the yacht for 
 Linear and his " Innocents " to pay a visit to a certain 
 Hall, which was gladly accepted. 
 
 All went well until the lady of the house introduced 
 her eight-months-old little daughter and requested that 
 one of her guests would kindly write a verse about it 
 in her book, which she called " Omnium Gatherum." 
 Then a painful silence fell over all, deep and unbroken. 
 One by one the guests glided out into the extensive 
 gardens to look at the flowers, of which they suddenly 
 became mightily enamoured, until only one remained, 
 and he willy-nilly was under an obligation to his hostess 
 to do the deed. 
 
 There was the "kid," smiling a.nd pewking in the 
 nurse's arms, but it was only of the common or garden 
 kind — two round blue eyes, a slobbery mouth, a wee 
 little nose, and a handful of fuzzy golden hair. 
 
 What could he write about such universal features? 
 If the " kid " had two noses, or a mouthful of pearly 
 teeth, there would have been something for a poet to 
 start upon. 
 
 Teeth — ah yes, good idea. 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN. 259 
 
 Doufbtful of sex the poet asks : 
 
 " Eh, nurse, has it any teeth yet ? " 
 
 " Oh yes, sir, she has one through, and I think some 
 more are not far off." 
 
 That was enough, the spring poet out with pencil 
 and pocket-book and set to work, and after a desperate 
 struggle, seized " Omnium Gatherum," and wrote the 
 following inifromftii : 
 
 THE SOLITARY TOOTH.— Act I. 
 
 Dimples and smiles and skin of pink and white, 
 
 A face as orange, round and full ; 
 Hair all aglow with golden light, 
 
 And coral ears that tapering fingers pull. 
 
 Her rosebud mouth must not be missed forsooth, 
 
 For it contains a solitary, pearly tooth ! 
 
 She rises like a ray from bright Aurora — 
 
 A world of joy and hope untried, lies spread before her. 
 
 Then he gave a sigh, and turning over the page, 
 mused, and sucked his pencil, and in doing so broke 
 the point. Then he mused again as he re-sharpened 
 his weapon to a piercing point, and wrote on the next 
 page. 
 
 THE SOLITARY TOOTH.— Act IL 
 
 Wrinkles and furrows, and a skin of parchment hue ; 
 A face of contoured hill and dale ; 
 Hair scant and grey, and much dishevelled too ; 
 Her features nipped, and wan and blue, 
 
i6o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Her skinny lips agape 'neath hooked nose, 
 A fractured, solitary fang disclose. 
 Spent is a long life's undulating wave ; 
 May happy future dawn — beyond the grave. 
 
 Then he closed the book and fled. 
 
 Once upon a time there was a preacher who 
 Hved in a certain Broadland village and drank sherbet 
 till his nose grew las red as a cock's comb, or if it was 
 not the drink of the Persians it might have been the 
 dririk of the Dutch, for in his back yard was quite a 
 pile of squarefaced bottles, which gossips said he was 
 saving to build himself a warm summer-house with 
 when he had collected sufficient. 
 
 Other malevolent persons said banishment to an ice- 
 house would be better, as it would give him a chance to 
 cool his proboscis, though it would not cause his hands 
 to cease shaking. 
 
 Many ways of curing him were tried but in vain, and 
 his friends nearly gave him up as incurable when a 
 bright idea struck a visitor who conversed with the 
 unworthy preacher. He knew the latter to be a very- 
 estimable and thinking man in everything else but his 
 habit of drinking too freely between meals — and 
 occasionally at meals — and even in bed, but he could not 
 hear that anyone had tried poetry upon him, so con- 
 eluded he wotild try. 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN, 261 
 
 Accordingly he sprawled on the deck of his yacht, 
 and in the bright sunshine wrote the few following 
 lines, which the sherbert drinker's wife promised to pin 
 to his pillow, as it is usual to take one's physic before 
 retiring to roost. 
 
 Now the poet wants to take out a patent for his lines 
 as a safe cure for " D.T." Here are the lines that cured 
 Stiggins. 
 
 GOING TO THE D . 
 
 Familiar grown with Bacchus, 
 
 We woo his warm embrace ; 
 His dulcet breath doth comfort give, 
 
 But never brings us grace. 
 His baneful arms around us glide, 
 
 And draw us closer, till 
 The mask of Bacchus falls away, 
 
 And much against our will 
 We find we're hugging Death, whose grasp 
 Is round us thrown with vice-like clasp. 
 Remorse, regrets, nor friends can save, 
 He drags us to a drunkard's grave. 
 
 Marvellous results followed. A dose of the above 
 each night for a week, and now the preacher wears the 
 blue button of temperance. 
 
 Of course Broadland, like every other place, has its 
 dull times, its wet times, and its off days ; on such 
 occasions, after cards and cabin games have run their 
 course, and are voted slow, other means have to be 
 devised for keeping the party alive ; something 
 
262 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 desperate and daring, and these deeds of daring do at 
 times take the form of poetry. Such a course avoids 
 bloodshed, but it is frequently just as killing-. 
 
 Many a fair page of otherwise stainless paper lost its 
 character during desperate moments of muse murder- 
 ing by the Innocents, and reams of paper, quarts of ink, 
 and tons of brains have been wasted by them in efforts 
 to produce something presentable to the outer world, 
 that is the whole of mankind outside the doors of their 
 snug cabin. 
 
 Some of these sweet, poetic effusions have been pre- 
 served to burden the careworn public, and are here 
 embalmed in printer's ink^ — a fitting burial. 
 
 The first was written under peculiar circumstances. 
 Stuggy, who was fond of slipping off on private and 
 mysterious excursions by himself, would not one day 
 join his brother Innocents in a boat-party, but under 
 the plea of remaining on the yacht, as he was a " bit off 
 colour," was left behind to lie and watch the little fishes 
 playing under the stern. He called these schools of 
 little fish his kindergarten, as they were composed of 
 small fry ; and he would lie by the hour together on 
 the counter witlh his face over the stem watching the 
 movements of his scaly friends. 
 
 When the trio returned in the evening Stuggy was 
 in bed with a pair of awful black eyes and a nose 
 swollen to the size and rubicund aspect of a decent 
 sized Victoria plum. 
 
 " He had had a fall," so he said, but that was all 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN. 263 
 
 that could be squeezed from him, and the truth did not 
 come to hght for several days after, when an accidental 
 call at a neighbouring inn brought to light the fact that 
 a certain gentleman had called there to play skittles, 
 had got merry, then unwise, then quarrelsome, and had 
 finally been carried to a yacht after being knocked down 
 by the " cheese " used in bowling over the ninepins ! 
 
 Next morning the following effusion was found 
 tacked to the cabin ceiling above his berth. 
 
 ODE TO A BLACK EYE. 
 
 Hail to thee, thou beauteous optic ! 
 
 Thou wondrous window of the human frame ; all hail ! ! 
 
 Thou bonny blinker of cerulean hue, 
 
 I gaze upon thine image in my mirror 
 
 With a disposition of extreme dismay. 
 
 With bated breath, and sighs of tribulation, 
 
 I watch thy hues cameleon, hour by hour, 
 
 For neither lordly salmon nor the toothsome trout 
 
 In dying shows such prismic gems as thou ; 
 
 Nor can the rainbow in sweet summer's shine. 
 
 Vie with the colours thou thyself possess. 
 
 First comes the crimson glow like Bacchus' nose ; 
 
 Then like the fallen mantle of the darkest night, 
 
 Thy gorged lid untimely droops him down, 
 
 Unwilling all to gaze on swift prismatic changes 
 
 That in one course of Phoebus bright are wrought. 
 
 Funereal black surrounds thy diamond beam of sight. 
 
 While follow colours which but choicest gems possess ; 
 
 Peeps through the Nigrine cloud carbuncle gay: 
 
 While shades of garnet and of violet amethyst 
 
 Are flecked with transient shades of sapphire blue : 
 
264 THE INNOCENTS, ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Anon appears the green of Erin's Isle — the emerald. 
 
 Deeply green as Adriatic Sea in summer's prime, 
 
 Sweet shades of beryl's duller green appear, 
 
 With chrysoprase of softest verdant sheen : 
 
 And with these tints the zenith of the iridescent optic's gained. 
 
 Then with a change quite gradual, yet marked, 
 
 The sickly tones of chrysolite and chrysoberyl glow. 
 
 Leaving the dying embers of a topaz rare and pale 
 
 To usher out thy fading lemon tones. 
 
 The owner of the convalescent optic cries amain, 
 
 Like England's king, " Now Richard is himself again." 
 
 The recipient got over ,his ode, and never again 
 deserted his comrades to play skittles with the natives. 
 
 During a long winter's cruise, when broads and water- 
 ways ahke were blocked with ice, and the cold Irish 
 stew froze into " collared-head," the butter into amber 
 stone, and the beer in the keg refused to run from the 
 tap, while the snow was piled on deck a foot thick, the 
 Innocents took to song writing to pass away the long 
 evenings. 
 
 These songs Weedy set to music : that is, he brought 
 out his concertina, and after many preliminary trials, 
 with his eyes scanning the lines while his fingers ran 
 over the keys — he would invent a tune that would make 
 the song singable — or rather he did, as a rule, but some- 
 times a misfit would occur, which had to be altered. 
 
 It might so happen that at the end of the line of 
 music there would be a word to spare, or a bit of the 
 tune would overhang the last word, but that was a 
 mere detail and soon put right, for Weedy as a musician 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN. 265 
 
 was a marvel — what he could not invent he could crib, 
 so he was bound either to make the music fit the 
 words or the words the tune : it didn't matter to the 
 Innocents a straw so long as there was a good chorus 
 and plenty of noise. 
 
 Here is the only song the writer can remember the 
 whole of, and probably it will be all sufficient to the 
 gentle reader who has never done him wrong of any 
 kind. 
 
 To sing the refrain, sit bolt upright with chest well 
 expanded ; then with head thrown well back and 
 mouth well caverned, " give it lungs." Hang on to the 
 Waugh wa-a-a-ugh! lustily, and roar it out in as many 
 keys as there are m.embers present. By following these 
 rules — after a few glasses of whisky — a beautiful 
 chorus will result, as the roars may be produced of 
 calibres varying from that of Shakespeare's " suckling 
 dove " to the full diapason of a modern steam syren. 
 
 No notice need be taken of the verses themselves, 
 the beauty of the song lies in the one word " Wa-a-a-a-a- 
 ugh! 
 
 There are one word plays, why not one word songs? 
 
 THE ARCTIC KING. 
 I. 
 
 Oh, the King of the North is the Polar bear, 
 
 And his throne is a berg of ice ; 
 And his loud, wild roar, or a shake of his paw, 
 
 Make his subjects obey in a trice. 
 
266 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 When he gives a big wa-a-ugh ! 
 
 From his cavernous jaw, 
 And proclaims he is king, 
 
 With a long, deep roar. 
 With a wa-a-a-a-a-ugh ! ! 
 
 What a roar ? 
 Mind the claw on his big, strong paw ! 
 
 II. 
 
 The wily white fox is a subject of his, 
 
 And a crafty old fellow is he ; 
 When the monarch dines from the ribs of a deer, 
 
 To steal a quiet snack tries he. 
 But he gives, etc., etc. 
 
 III. 
 Now the seal has an eye like a young gazelle — 
 
 A voice that is plaintive and shy ; 
 But to keep from the bear, ever ready to tear. 
 Has to be both watchful and spry. 
 When he gives, etc., etc. 
 
 IV. 
 
 The whale of the ocean is chief, we must own, 
 But the bear is the monarch on land ; 
 
 He's the jnasher of all, in his cosy white robe, 
 As he saunters along the cold " Strand." 
 And he gives, etc. 
 
 V. 
 From the Land of the Rose those two legg'd brutes 
 
 With guns for his blood may thirst ; 
 But, like Glass's hare, they may cook him fair, 
 But — they've got to " catch him first." 
 Then he'll give, etc. 
 
DRIPPINGS FROM A HASTY PEN, 267 
 
 VI. 
 
 Now, comrades, a health to this King of the North, 
 
 May we meet with this rover free ; 
 And with bullet and knife take home from the strife 
 
 Bruin's robe from the Arctic Sea. 
 But he'll give, etc. 
 
 And thus with music, song, smoke, and grog, many 
 a long winter evening was passed till ten p.m., when 
 was piped the signal, " all hands to hammocks." 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 THE innocents' WINTER CRUISE. 
 
 January scarcely seems the best month for a cruise 
 on the Broads, but after trying the whole of the months, 
 right round the calendar, the writer has difficulty in 
 saying which is labsolutely the worst of the whole twelve, 
 but probably it is the one called March, because of the 
 east winds which do then blow and march the weak- 
 lings and adventurous to their family doctors if nowhere 
 worse. 
 
 Every month has its enjoyments and its drawbacks, 
 and what suits one does not suit another — the angler, 
 the skater, the artist, the yachtsman, and the gunner, 
 each want different weather, and grumble when they 
 don't get it, and also — ^when they do. 
 
 Human nature is hard to please, and if the classical 
 gentlemian \\^ho turns on the weather for us aloft would 
 give a fresh turn to his machinery every day, still some 
 would not be pleased. 
 
 With woman it is different, she only comes out in the 
 summer, and is consequently pleased with everything. 
 She just leaves all her best belongings at home and is 
 happy, because she has nothing to think of. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 269 
 
 But man, " unregenerate man," as Byron calls him, 
 growls at everybody and everything, and like the bear 
 he is, should only be seen on the Broads in winter, when 
 he can have everything his own way, ajid shiver, and 
 skate, and shoot to his heart's delight. 
 
 His rude swear words at want of luck and want of 
 this and that hurt nobody, in times of frost they simply 
 freeze and fall harmless at his feet. 
 
 This chapter will show what a party of four innocent 
 little bears did during Januiary and part of February, 
 188 — , so that other brother bruins may consider if they 
 would like to go and do likewise. Probably not one in 
 a thousand of the visitors to the Broads have had the 
 experience of a winter cruise, and therefore this chapter 
 should be of especial interest to many. 
 
 The Innocents left Liverpool Street Station one 
 bright January morning for Carlton Colville, which, as 
 everyone knows, is adjacent to Oulton Broad. And a 
 rough lot they looked as they stood on the platform of 
 the London Terminus in their nautical winter rig. 
 
 One of them caught sight of the penny-in-the-slot 
 weighing machine, so all had to be weighed. 14 st. 8 lbs., 
 1 3 St. I lb., and 15 st. 3 lbs. were the weights of the first 
 three — ^weights which caused Burley to snigger, for when 
 he stood on the little swaying platform the hand flew 
 bolt upright at the twenty stones, and there wobbled 
 as if paralyzed at being called upon to perform a task 
 beyond its limit It was no go. 
 
 " What a nice little pullet ! " remarked a bystander. 
 
^7o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 Then ajiother caug^ht sight of the sack three parts full 
 of rough warm clothing, boots, etc., and asked his com- 
 panion in a low voice, " What've they got there, 
 Bob?" 
 
 Bob's reply, uttered in a supercilious tone was : 
 
 " W'y, they're goin' fishin', karn't ye see ; that there's 
 their bloomin' grarnd bait! and, lor lumme, they've 
 got enough of it." 
 
 Arrived at Carlton they were met by Lee and Josling, 
 who were to form their crew, and the luggage was soon 
 transferred to the yacht, kindly lent by that good old 
 water-dog, John Dawbarn, now at rest, full of years and 
 beloved by all who knew him. 
 
 It was but little after noon, yet the days in January 
 are so short that everyone had to work hard to get 
 stores aboard. There was a list as long as Linear's leg 
 to be purchased, and very soon all kinds of things began 
 to tumble aboard : potatoes, onions, groceries, oil, coals, 
 candles, bread, eggs, butter, whisky, beer, milk, and a 
 himdred other things. 
 
 A quiet hand of cards in the cosy parlour of the 
 Wherry Inn, and a short stroll in the moonlight, brought 
 bedtime, and by 6.30 next morning all were awake and 
 groping about in the dark. Breakfast at the inn at 
 7.30 and aboard the " Waterfay " by nine, by which time 
 the cold mist began to lift, and the welcome sun to 
 throw its rays over the glittering lagoon. 
 
 The " Waterfay " was a fifteen-tonner, fifty feet long, 
 ten and a half feet beam, and of four and a half feet 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 271 
 
 draught — a foot too deep for these waters. She 
 possessed two cabins, a very necessary provision when 
 you have one among- your number whose snores make 
 the vessel quiver from stem to stern, and spread con- 
 sternation among his friends. But they were lucky 
 from the very start — Stuggy, who was deaf in one ear, 
 volunteered, actually volunteered to sleep in Leviathan's 
 cabin, as by bunging up his sound ear with a section of 
 a felt gun-wad he could sleep as soundly as a seaman 
 on his watch. 
 
 Well, there were two cabins parted by a bulkhead 
 with folding doors, so that during the daytime the 
 doors could be fastened back, and a single cabin, 
 fourteen feet by ten feet, was the result, and very com- 
 fortable it was. 
 
 Warmth was assured by a coal stove, with a pipe 
 leading through the side of the skylight, but ugh ! whait 
 a fogo it made when first lighted. They were smoke- 
 dried like Indians in a v/igwam, and as Weedy re- 
 marked one had then to stop up nose and mouth, and 
 breathe through his ears, which then acted as gills. 
 
 From the fore-end of the cabin a door led to the fore- 
 peak, from which it was separated by the lavatory, etc., 
 so that in inclement weather one need not go outside 
 for anything. 
 
 The forepeak was unusually large, affording ample 
 sleeping accommodation for the two men at nig'ht and 
 for culinary purposes during the day. 
 
 At 10.30 all was ready for a start, but Stuggy, who 
 
272 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 was keen on photography, was missing. Linear was 
 sent ashore to hunt him up, and found him at last with 
 a lady — ^no, not a young one, for she had seen more 
 years than the combined ages of the two friends. 
 
 He had fixed the old lady in position against a water- 
 butt, with a white cat in her arms and a dwile on her 
 head, and was just telHng her to look happy when 
 Linear pounced upon him with : 
 
 "Come, Stuggy, old man, you are keeping us all 
 waiting and delaying the start, you will have ample 
 opportunity for the camera by-and-by. Hurry up, 
 there's a good chap ! " 
 
 " Just look at the dear old girl's face," was Stuggy's 
 reply ; " just twig the wrinkles in it. Why, Rembrandt's 
 celebrated old woman is not in it with her ; she could 
 give the painting fifty wrinkles and a beating. Just 
 look at her, my boy; her face is like a valuable old 
 china vase cracked and chipped in a thousand places. 
 She's a perfect human gem, and I must have her. 
 
 " Now steady, please. There ; not too much smile. 
 Only two seconds. Steady. One! two!" The deed 
 was done, and Stuggy had secured his rare old piece 
 of Lowestoft ware. 
 
 At eleven, being bright and frosty, the "Waterfay" 
 scudded away before a fine S.E. breeze at a great 
 rate. 
 
 Fisher's Row and the Horseshoe passed, Oulton 
 Dyke was entered as the four Innocents chatted about 
 that wonderful man, George Borrow, and his house, 
 
THE INNOCENTS WINTER CRUISE, 273 
 
 which then stood on an acclivity overlooking the 
 broad. 
 
 The " Bible in Spain " and " Romany Rye " would 
 have been enough to secure fame to any man, but 
 Borrow as a linguist and voluminous writer might have 
 clothed half a dozen other men, beside himself, with 
 
 fame, and as B put it, have had enough left to 
 
 provide every urchin in the village with a pair of 
 breeches out of what remained. Being used to a 
 solitary life. Borrow, in his old age, shut himself up 
 in his house like a hermit, his tall, sinewy form being 
 known to many, but his voice to few. 
 
 He died about 1890, alone. A remarkable man and 
 a remarkable end. 
 
 Away went the " Waterfay," scudding along till 
 Beccles is reached, where she is moored by a long 
 building of the factory class, but, by Jupiter! also ye 
 lesser gods ! what is the awful stench which assails the 
 noses of all on board? Is fever and pestilence stalking 
 abroad in this cold month ? Surely not ! Could Beccles 
 be rivalling Cologne? 
 
 No, the " Waterfay " has been brought up alongside 
 the tannery, where the dreadful smell of decayed 
 mutton adhering to musty skins is appalling. 
 
 The unspoken hint is taken, and a hurried move 
 made to a purer atmosphere. 
 
 Beccles talk is of otters and pike. Five fine otters had 
 been taken out since Christmas, and only that morning 
 one of twenty-one pounds has been shot, and is brought 
 
 S 
 
274 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 out for inspection — a big brown cat-fox looking animal, 
 
 which B at once gives a half-sovereign for, and 
 
 sends up to Norwich to be set up for his hall. 
 
 B is good at story telling, and his friends know- 
 ing it, wink furtively at each other as they think of the 
 " whoppers " that will be told of that stuffed skin, and 
 how it came to be a skin and not a body. Its modes 
 of death will be vaxious and promiscuous, sudden and 
 lingering, according to circumstances. 
 
 Pike were being caught in the Waveney, at Beccles, 
 in some numbers, so after a hasty two o'clock lunch, 
 Weedy and Stuggy jumped into the dinghy to try their 
 
 luck with a spoon-bait, while B tried live -bait from 
 
 the bank. 
 
 Linear had the " collywobbles," as he termed a bilious 
 attack, so remained in the warm cabin. The triumvirate 
 caught pike certainly, but the united catch for two 
 hours did not exceed a score pounds. 
 
 Still B had three nice runs and landed a couple 
 
 of five-pounders — brothers apparently, and twins at 
 that. Anyway, all returned to the yacht happy and 
 
 hungry, " two enviable complaints," as L remarked 
 
 from his dim but cosy corner. 
 
 Then came a happy evening of cards, song, smoke, 
 and whisky — ^the bears were happy in their den ; their 
 whole world only measured fourteen feet b^ ten, yet 
 they were as happy or happier than the Czar of all the 
 Russians with his unmeasurable realm — and they knew 
 it and appreciated it, Hke the good comrades they were. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 275 
 
 Even L forgot his " collywobbles," and warbled 
 
 " The Skipper and his Boy " in fine style. 
 . Next day it was freezing hard enough to turn a 
 turnip to stone, but all hands bustled about, "down 
 awning and up sail," and at noon moored by St. Olave's 
 Bridge. Lunch ; then with rods on shoulder, the 
 Innocents tramped the frosty road to Fritton Decoy, 
 where a couple of hours' perdh fishing was indulged in. 
 
 B knew the spot where to find them — a deep 
 
 hole with gravelly bottom, and taking W in his 
 
 boat made direct for it, leaving the others to follow in 
 another boat and find a suitable place for themselves, 
 for Stuggy prided himself upon being the angler of the 
 party, and able to find the fish in any given piece of 
 water ; but this time he was at fault, as he and his 
 comrade only landed half a dozen fish in two hours, 
 while the others captured thirty, of which they selected 
 a dozen weighing seven and a half pounds for the 
 larder, and turned the others in again. 
 
 It was deuced cold fun fishing in an open boat, and 
 as the old tub leaked steadily, in spite of bailing, they 
 went ashore. 
 
 In the meantime, Stuggy and Linear had gone for a 
 pull to the other end of the broad as a means of restor- 
 ing lost circulation, and to thaw their frozen feet for 
 the walk home, for a yacht during a long cruise is home, 
 and a cosy one too. 
 
 They had only pulled as far as the first decoy, how- 
 ever, when the decoyman appeared, and wanted to 
 
276 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 know where the Ath-Rigi-Como-Damietta, or words to 
 that effect, they were going to. 
 
 Then they paused in their wild career, beckoning to 
 Mr. Decoyman to come out to them, which he did a 
 quarter of a mile further back so as not to disturb the 
 assembling wild-fowl. 
 
 He was a very civil little chap after all when they 
 made his closer acquaintanceship, and as he sat in his 
 curious canoe-like contraption of a catamaran, with his 
 rough fur cap and dannocks, they bartered just as 
 Columbus and his friends did with the natives of 
 another region. 
 
 They traded whisky and tobacco for their equivalent 
 in feather — with the meat hanging to them — and re- 
 turned to the yacht with a brace of teal, ditto of mallard, 
 and a quartette of pigeons, which latter to a certainty were 
 not caught in a pipe decoy, but had by other and mys- 
 terious means met a sudden and violent death. 
 
 The larder of the "Waterfay" smiled with fatness. 
 
 After a hearty dinner — a tea-supper such as only half- 
 starved mariners know how to stow^ — at seven p.m. came 
 a chat ; and being a nice light night, the yacht was 
 quanted by the four Innocents to Burgh Castle, the 
 crew being put into the dinghy and sent ahead to find 
 a suitable mooring place. 
 
 The yacht being moored near the cement works, and 
 all made snug, a stroll to the castle ruins to view them 
 by moonlight was indulged in. Moonlight is said by 
 poets to give ruins the true romantic light, and they 
 
TB.E INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 277 
 
 ought to know, for do they not mouch around ruins 
 when the moon is at the full whenever they get the 
 chance? Not that poetry and lunacy have any common 
 affinity with the world's " light by night" 
 
 Still, moonlight and human aberration after all appear 
 to have something in common, else how was it that 
 Linear by a little tomfoolery caused Stuggy to be madly 
 anxious to buy a held of several acres, merely as a 
 speculation, and all because of a practical joke which 
 he perpetrated out of pure wanton fun. 
 
 As the four Innocents gazed upon the venerable ruins 
 — probably the oldest in the kingdom, as they date 
 
 from the third century, B happened to remark that 
 
 under the surface of the ground around them, could 
 they only tell where, there must be buried many 
 interesting and valuable relics of the past eighteen 
 centuries. 
 
 To this, with a wink at the other two, Linear replied, 
 "Rather! why this held which lies between the castle 
 and the river is called ' The Treasure Piece,' and with- 
 out doubt there are two valuable deposits in it, one of 
 Roman times and another of the Viking days." 
 
 " There you are, my boy, just what I expected," ex- 
 claimed Stuggy with sparkling eyes ; " then why does 
 not someone dig and find out where the treasure is? 
 Why not float a company? But let's hear something 
 more about this treasure. Can you tell us anything that 
 is known of it ? " 
 
 Now Stuggy is a very prosperous business man, " cute 
 
2 78 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 and spry," as brother Jonathan would put it, and not at 
 all given to romance, yet his friend's taradiddles 
 caused him to indulge in all kinds of daydreams of 
 wealth that might be attained by the expenditure of 
 a few score pounds. 
 
 With a preliminary wink to his friends to keep quiet, 
 Linear commenced his yarn of the Treasure Piece, 
 Burgh Castle, which we will call 
 
 SUETONIUS SEVERUS. 
 
 About the year A.n. go when Burg'h Castle was 
 brand-new, the Roman garrison there was commanded 
 by one Suetonius Severus, which most schoolboys trans- 
 late " Chopped Suet," partly because of the fanciful 
 appearance of the name, and partly on aiccount of the 
 known fatness of the Roman officer. 
 
 As an officer he was all that could be desired, brave 
 without rashness, and of great forethought, and 
 although a strict disciplinarian, kindly to and beloved by 
 the men under him. 
 
 He had, however, one weak spot — his cupidity or 
 love of wealth. Now, Suetonius had only been in 
 charge of Garianonum, as Burgh Castle was then called, 
 some three months^ having been sent from the West 
 of England to recuperate his health, after a successful 
 campaign against the Silures, or people of Gloucester- 
 shire beyond the Severn. 
 
 When he had conquered the Silures he had, according 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 279 
 
 to Roman custom, imposed a tax upon them — a govern- 
 ment war tax — but beyond that he had compelled every 
 man who had fought against him to make him, per- 
 sonally, a present of some jewel or ornament of value. 
 Thus he acquired a chestful, about three bushels, of 
 neck ornaments, ouches, arm ornaments, brooches, 
 torques, etc., as his own share of the spoil of the enemy, 
 and was happy accordingly ; but, alas, misfortune came 
 with his ill-gotten gains. 
 
 Among those who fought with him in the West were 
 two cavalry-officers named Magnus Pedes and Stratius 
 Baccus, both of whom l<new of the treasure. 
 
 These officers Suetonius brought with him to 
 Garianonum, wliich was then a cavalry station standing 
 on a peninsula, and only attackable from the land side. 
 
 All went well, until one day Suetonius overheard a 
 plot to steal his treasure, which occurred thus. 
 
 He had invited Pedes and Baccus to dine with him, 
 and after the meal begged them, as it was a hot day, 
 to excuse him a little as he wished to take his usual 
 siesta, a custom he had indulged in when in his own 
 country, and which from his excessive corpulence he 
 could not now do without. 
 
 In half an hour he awoke, and, peeping through the 
 curtains of his chamber, saw his two subordinates with 
 their heads close together in eager consultation. 
 
 Curious to know what could be the subject of such 
 deep consultation, especially as they ever and anon cast 
 furtive glances in the direction of his chamber, he, with 
 
28o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 silent steps, gained a little gallery over the two con- 
 spirators, whence he could hear their every word, being 
 within a few feet of them. 
 
 He was aghast at what he heard ; it was no less than 
 a plot to rob him of the treasure which reposed in the 
 great chest by the wall of the room in which the two 
 conspirators sat 
 
 Should he order their immediate arrest? 
 
 No. He would not show that he had been an eaves- 
 dropper, he would set a trap for them. 
 
 Next day the two officers were sent to do duty at 
 Venta Icenorum (now Caistor-next-Norwioh) for a 
 week. 
 
 In the meantime, during a certain night, Suetonius, 
 with his own hands, emptied his treasure chest, throwing 
 the contents down one of the two wells which stood 
 without the walls of the castle, in the held sloping 
 towards the river. 
 
 Another and deeper well was situated within the 
 castle, but that did not suit his purpose so well, because 
 he wished to close the well, down which he had thrown 
 his treasure, and it would never have done to close the 
 solitary well within the castle, which was the only 
 source of supply in case of siege. 
 
 Having buried his treasure below the pure water he 
 threw in several handfuls of filth, and a large skin of 
 vinegar, and retired to rest. 
 
 Next day he desired his amphora to be filled from 
 that particular well, which was accordmgly done. Of 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 281 
 
 course the water was nauseous ; sewage from the stables 
 had probably got into it. The health of the troops 
 must be studied, the well must be closed. 
 
 This Suetonius did very effectually by having it filled 
 to the very top with brick rubbish. His treasure was 
 safe ; he alone knew where it was^ and could reclaim 
 it at any time with the help of a few of his soldiers. 
 
 Now to deal with the centurions, Magnus Pedes and 
 Stratius Baccus. 
 
 In due course they returned from their duties at 
 Venta Icenorum, but day after day passed and no 
 attempt was made upon the great treasure chest which 
 still stood in its accustomed place. 
 
 What could Suetonius do to expedite matters? 
 
 He scarcely knew, but at length decided to invite the 
 two rascals to dine with him once more. 
 
 They came and regaled themselves on his capital 
 viands, drank his best wine, and again the fat captain 
 begged to be excused while he took a short siesta. 
 
 The day was hot, and Suetonius instead of pretend- 
 ing, actually did fall into a deep slumber. 
 
 How long he slept he did not know, but he awoke 
 with a start to find Pedes and Baccus standing on either 
 side of his couch with drawn swords. 
 
 " Speak but a word," hissed Baccus, " and my blade 
 drinks thy very heart's blood." 
 
 " We seek thine ill-gotten treasure, O Suetonius 
 .Severus, which lies fast bound in yonder chest," said 
 Pedes in a low voice. " We will lead thee to it that 
 
282 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 thou may est unlock it, when that which we can 
 conveniently carry shall be ours, the rest shall remain 
 \7ith thee." 
 
 "Ungrateful thieves," commenced' Suetonius, but a 
 glittering blade at his throat warned him to desist. 
 
 " Thieves indeed," warmly replied Baccus ; " did we 
 not help thee to defeat the fierce Silurians, and is not 
 the labourer worthy of his hire? Forward to the chest, 
 
 and attempt but to give an alarm and " He waved 
 
 his sword menacingly before his superior's fat throat 
 
 Suetonius took a curious key from the pedestal of 
 one of his little household gods, where he had kept 
 it secretly, and handed it to Magnus Pedes. 
 
 That worthy, dropping on his knee, undid the cum- 
 brous lock and threw open the heavy lid. 
 
 Bricks, mortar, and potsherds met his astonished 
 gaze, and nothing more. 
 
 The conspirators were dumfounded. 
 Then after a pause Baccus broke silence. 
 " Crafty Suetonius, you have so far deceived us, but, 
 an' thou dost not instantly divulge the resting-place of 
 thy treasure, the hair which held the sword of Damocles 
 shall be a very cable to that which holds mine." 
 
 " Out with it, old and foolish man ! " cried Pedes, 
 "where is thy treasure? Out with it, I say! else will 
 we out with the brief and waning lamp of thy life." 
 
 Under such immediate danger Suetonius confessed 
 that the treasure was hidden in the well, cunningly 
 making them believe it was down the well still in use, 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 283 
 
 near the outer wall of the castle. Seeing a hope to save 
 his life, he appeared to have a friendly feeling to his 
 assailants, assuring them that if one of them would 
 take the trouble to descend the well on the following 
 night, while the other kept guard, they might take as 
 much of his treasure as they could carry away. 
 
 " Wilt thou swear not to set spies upon us, nor to take 
 any steps to punish us?" eagerly demanded Baccus. 
 
 " By Castor and Pollux, by Hercules, and by the great 
 god Jupiter himself I swear it." 
 
 Next night the two centurions kept their tryst at the 
 well. Baccus, with his foot in the bucket, and a hooked 
 fork in his hand, was cautiously lowered by Pedes 
 and had just reached the water, when suddenly from 
 a hollow in the ground, near a little wooden seat, rose 
 Suetonius Severus, sword in hand. 
 
 Silent as a cat, in spite of his bulk, and with bare 
 feet, he approached the unsuspecting Pedes, and was 
 about to strike him dead when the breaking of a twig 
 under his foot betrayed his presence. 
 
 Magnus Pedes wheeled round in time to catch the 
 blow, which had been intended for his head, upon his 
 left arm, and drawing his own short glaive thrust at 
 Suetonius, who, in turn, taken by surprise, only partly 
 guarded the stroke, receiving a severe wound in the groin. 
 
 Up flashed the broad heavy blade wielded by the 
 mighty arm of Suetonius, and in an instant it fell upon 
 the uncovered head of Magnus Pedes, who fell dead 
 at his feet cloven to the eyes. 
 
284 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Suetonius staggeringly picked up the body of the 
 dead man, and with all his might flung it upon the 
 floundering Baccus, who was trying to keep afloat in 
 ten feet of water. 
 
 Pedes appeared to fall directly upon his comrade and 
 kill him, for although Suetonius listened awhile, not 
 a sound ascended from the depths below. 
 
 Two days after, the Roman captain called to him his 
 head houseman, Indicus Cocculus — a Libericin, and 
 whispered to him : 
 
 " Good Indicus, my time on earth draws to a close, 
 let me be buried in the disused well. Have five cubits' 
 depth of the rubbish removed, and my poor clay there 
 interred ; let my brave soldiers chant around my humble 
 grave, singing a peon to my valour." 
 
 All was "done as Suetonius Severus requested : he 
 and his treasure lie buried in the same grave. 
 
 " My word," exclaimed Stuggy excitedly, evidently 
 swallowing the myth as readily as a child does a fairy 
 story, "do you think this treasure has ever been re- 
 covered ? " 
 
 " There is no record of such a find," replied Linear, 
 nearly exploding, " and I may say positively, that no 
 one has ever made the attempt to find the great treasure 
 of Suetonius. Most of the ornaments were undoubtedly 
 
THE INNOCENTS' V/INTER CRUISE. 285 
 
 pure gold, as similar ones on being analyzed have been 
 found to be ninety-nine per cent of pure gold — practi- 
 cally as pure as the virgin metal." 
 
 "Why not, we four, buy the held?" cried Stuggy ; 
 " surely a hundred pounds each — or less — would do it. 
 We could then set a gang of navvies to work, and have 
 the whole place rooted up in a couple of months. What 
 do you say, boys ? Who's game to have a try ? " 
 
 " Wait a bit, old man," interjected Linear. " What 
 I have told you is only of one treasure, but there still 
 remains another which was deposited here at a more 
 recent yet still ancient date ; to be precise, the event 
 I am about to speak of occurred in or about the year 
 840." 
 
 Tryto Hytharda the Viking. 
 
 "About the year 637, a Monastery was founded in- 
 side the walls of Burgh Castle, which had been deserted 
 by the Romans more than a hundred years before. 
 The Irish were in those days far ahead of their British 
 brethren both in religion and learning, and it need not 
 surprise us when we read that Fursseus, an Irish monk, 
 founded the Monastery with the assistance of Sigebert, 
 King of the East Angles. 
 
 " The Monastery prospered greatly, and during the 
 two succeeding centuries, the even then ancient castle 
 received building after building, until the interior 
 formed quite a little university of learning, and all went 
 
2 86 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 well with it till about the year 840, the great year of the 
 Danish Vikings' incursion. 
 
 " One day a young monk came running in with the 
 dread news that he had seen foxir Viking ships coming 
 up the estuary towards their Monastery. 
 
 " Great was the commotion caused by the news ; 
 war-horns were blown, and everyone from far and near 
 flodked into the castellated Monastery, bringing with 
 them whatever arms and provisions they could hurriedly 
 collect. 
 
 *' In a short time the Vikings landed right at the 
 foot of * Treasure Piece,' drawing their dragons ashore 
 also, thereby showing that they intended to stay and 
 if possible sack the place. 
 
 "Each long ship contained upwards of 150 men, and 
 the whole expedition, led by two warriors of great 
 stature and strength, named Tryto Hytharda and Ino 
 Abytto, fierce Vikings and experienced in warfare. 
 
 " For several days the hardy Norsemen lay around 
 the hoary old castle, and tried, first by intimidation, 
 and then by actual assault, to take the place, but to 
 no purpose. The old Roman walls, ten feet thick and 
 twenty feet high, effectually held them at bay, and 
 each time they advanced to the assault they lost many 
 men, who were shot by the semi-wild fenmen guarding 
 the castle, not but what the monks and others took a 
 very active part in keeping out the foe. 
 
 " Every means of gainiag an entrance was tried by 
 the fierce Danes, but with no success, and they were 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 287 
 
 ever afraid of the arrival of reinforcements for the be- 
 leaguered, who, by approaching by the sea, might cut 
 them off and slay them to a man. 
 
 " Ethelwulph ruled in England — a weak monarch — 
 and to him a message was sent, asking him to send 
 assistance to the monks of Burgh, who were in sore 
 straits. But as the messenger never returned no succour 
 could be expected. 
 
 " Week after week dragged by, sickness broke out, 
 and food failed, until at last the gallant little garrison 
 of 500 became so weak that they attempted to make 
 terms with the mighty Hytharda ; but he, sure of his prey, 
 would hear of nothing short of an unconditional surrender. 
 
 "At length came the day when they could hold out 
 no longer, and the great gate having its barricade re- 
 moved, was thrown open, and the bloodthirsty Danes 
 admitted. 
 
 " As expected everyone was put to the sword, a few 
 of the boldest fenmen, mdeed, fought desperately for 
 their lives, so desperately, that they held out till nightfall 
 when they succumbed to sheer numbers and all were slain. 
 
 " Of the Danes twenty-four fell on that day^ among 
 them their gigantic leader Tryto Hytharda, the hero 
 of a hundred lights both on sea and land. 
 
 " Of Hytharda's curious burial we have a short 
 account in one of the Old Norse Sagas — the * Igot 
 Onelung Saga ' — ^which being translated runs thus : 
 
 " ' Tryto Hytharda fell covered with many wounds. 
 An arrow pierced his right eye and he fell dead. 
 
283 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Greatly mourned his men, for he was a mighty Berserk, 
 and they gave him the funeral of a great warrior. Most 
 chiefs are buried above ground, but Hytharda had a 
 strange funeral. Ino Abytto saw a great hole in the 
 ground, in the midst of the camp, which lay between 
 the castle and tKe river. Ino sent men for the chair 
 of Hytharda, which stood bound to the floor of his ship. 
 
 " ' Then was Hytharda thong-tied upright in his chair 
 with weapons in his hands, and in trie midst of the pit 
 was placed. Then each Viking bade farewell to his 
 chief, and cast into the pit such offerings as he deemed 
 fit ; many great gifts of golden vessels, armlets and 
 chains were so cast in, so that Hytharda sat him to his 
 knees in gold.' It was a Vikmg burial. 
 
 " Then came a messenger saying King Ethelwulph's 
 ships are in sight, two-and-twenty great ships all told. 
 
 " Ino Abytto said, ' Launch me the four ships,' and 
 they were launched. ' Now,' said he also, ' bring to me 
 the very great plunder of this city of Burgh,' and they 
 brought it on the backs of ten men. Then said Ino, 
 *Cast it in with our dead chief, and cover up the pit, 
 basket by basket, until it be filled.' Then they filled 
 up the pit and departed every man to his ship. 
 
 " But the British ships did surround Ino Abytto's 
 ships in the form of a crescent moon, and did capture 
 and slay the Vikings, so that no man escaped. 
 
 " This is the song of Igot Onelung." 
 
THE INNOCENTS WINTER CRUISE. 289 
 
 " So you see," said Linear, " this Viking treasure must 
 have been even greater than that left by the Roman 
 Suetonius. Why, my dear fellow, this field must be a 
 veritable gold mine ! " 
 
 " By jingo, old man, you make me quite eager to try 
 my luck and ascertain if the treasures still exist," ex- 
 claimed Stuggy ; " anyway, I will think the matter over, 
 and if you fellows will not join me in the venture, 
 gads, I've almost a mind to try it on my own responsi- 
 bility. If I am unsuccessful in the search, I could still 
 sell the land for say half what I gave for it. By jingo, 
 I'll try it, for I'm one of the luckiest beggars out." 
 
 And he did write to the owner, believing Linear's 
 stories, but that worthy, thinking the joke had gone 
 far enough, intercepted the letter and returned a fictitious 
 one declining to sell the land. This to avoid bloodshed, 
 for Stuggy is a fiery bruiser. 
 
 And so the Innocents walked up and down smoking 
 in the frosty air, viewing the venerable ruins of the 
 oldest castle in Great Britain, for its supposed building 
 took place A.D. 34, the year in which our Lord was 
 crucified. Bathed in moonlight they were brought 
 under a kind of glamour, for they chatted (for them) 
 quite solemnly and seriously of the might of the 
 Romans, who built the castle when England was a mere 
 howling wilderness, and its inhabitants little better than 
 savages : of the fire and slaughter and devastation of 
 the fierce Danish pirates, who, landing from their great 
 " serpents and longships," smote the natives hip and 
 
 T 
 
290 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 thigh ; of the valour and prowess of the Anglo-Saxon 
 colonists, and the rude subjection by the Norman 
 Conquerer, and then returned to their own Viking ship 
 and did what none of those nations with all their pomp 
 and circumstance ever did — played " nap " for counters 
 in the form of Barcelona nuts, six for a penny ! 
 
 Then midnight came, and the whole ship's company 
 retired to roost, but not to sleep, for they lay in bed 
 and chattered and laughed to such an extent that not 
 a wink of sleep came to their eyelids. Whether it was 
 the full moon, or the ozone in the bracing frosty air, or 
 the potency of the " tea " they had taken in the evening 
 that had affected them, none could tell ; the hilarious- 
 ness pervaded even the forepeak. 
 
 Everyone had an attack of what the ladies call the 
 " giggles," and badly too. 
 
 About one a.m., just as things were settling down and 
 eyelids becoming heavy, Fred, the skipper, discovered 
 that the wind had changed, and was favourable for a 
 run across Breydon — briny Breydon! 
 
 The question was put : " Shall we sleep or sail ? " 
 
 The reply was : "' Sail by all means." 
 
 So out everyone tumbled again and dressed. 
 
 In the meantime Josling got the kettle " under 
 weigh," and made aj jorum of hot cocoa, " so strong," 
 said he, " that the ole spune '11 stand right up in it, 
 maaster." 
 
 And so it did, it was both "wittles and drink." 
 
 Then all hands on deck to " furl " awning and prepare 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 291 
 
 and hoist sail. When ropes are coated with rime frost 
 and the sails rattle like tin plates as the folds are 
 stretched out, it is cold and hard work to set the big 
 main-sail properly, especially when the sheaves are 
 frozen in the blocks ; but after a lot of swigging on 
 the halliards the sail was got up fairly well, and away 
 scudded the " Waterfay." 
 
 Although the wind was favourable, the tide was still 
 running up, as it still wanted an hour to high water. 
 
 The noble expanse of Breydon looked at its best, 
 its distant shores stretching away in the misty green- 
 blue atmosphere till they were completely lost, and the 
 lake looked like an inland sea, its shores presently 
 quite fading from view. 
 
 The near posts which mark the channel could be seen 
 stretching away like a battalion of infantry in open 
 order, the further ones being quite invisible under the 
 fairy canopy of moonlight haze \Vhich hung over the 
 shimmering lagoon. 
 
 Then the wind veered to the north, and several 
 "boards" had to be made — "a long leg and a short one." 
 
 Oh the delights of tacking on a frosty night ! 
 
 Linear, not being quite well yet, was allowed to sit 
 in the cabin and cuddle himself up warm and cosy, and 
 watch the stove to see it did not capsize, while the 
 other three tossed to see who should work the stiff 
 jib-sheets. 
 
 Lee sheet, weather sheet, and odd man out! 
 
 Burley was the lucky man to win, but although he 
 
292 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 had no cold wet ropes to handle he was not idle, for 
 while the others worked he sang them some pretty little 
 songs, regardless of the cold ajir. His breath streamed 
 out into the night like steam from a kettle. 
 
 How the moonbeams danced that night on the 
 sparkling waters that lay between the yacht and silent, 
 dead asleep Yarmouth ! The crew of the " Waterfay '^ 
 apj>eared to be the only live mortals in creation — not 
 
 a sight or sound but B 's fine voice pealing out into 
 
 night as the good ship won her way eastward. 
 
 Such a scene amply repaid the Innocents for their 
 lost sleep, and in one memory at least will be unfor- 
 gotten to the end. 
 
 At four a.m. the voyage came to an end, the "Water- 
 fay" was moored near Lacon's ale stores, and everyone 
 turned into their berths happy, red-nosed, and gaping. 
 
 At ten a.m. everyone was awakened by something 
 colliding with the " Waterfay," which something a peep 
 from the side windows revealed to be a trading wherry. 
 No damage but a friendly bump. 
 
 " Now then, for'rad there ! Wake up ! Lee, Josling^ 
 tumble up! Why, we've been asleep nearly two days. 
 Get your kettle and stewpan started, and wake us in 
 half an hour." This from Linear, who was admiral. 
 
 But everyone was now fully awake and lay chatting- 
 in their warm berths. 
 
 Burley, who is a most inordinate snorer, occupied the 
 fore-cabin, and could hear the crew discussing the truth 
 of having slept nearly two days. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 293 
 
 Lee averred that all had no doubt overslept them- 
 selves, and gone right through a short eight-hours' day- 
 light without knowing it, and had, as he put it, " landed 
 inter the daay arter ter-morrer." 
 
 "What's ter daay, then?" asked Josling. 
 
 " How shud I know, fule," was Lee's tart reply. 
 
 " Well, I'll werry sune hear," quoth Josling, quietly 
 sliding the hatch-cover off, and as quietly hailing the 
 wherrymen in their little cabin a few yards off. 
 
 " Hist ! Good mavvnin', Bumble, will yer tell us what 
 day 'tis? we ha' got a bit wrong in our rackonin'." 
 
 Bumble poked his head out over the cabin door, and 
 with a twinkle in his eye, and half a slice of bread and 
 butter in his mouth, replied : 
 
 " Well there, bor, that's a quest'n tu axt a man. 
 Yew've bin asleep lately, I kin see. What daay? Why, 
 Tharsder, tu be sure ! " 
 
 Josling gave a grunt, and drawing himself into the 
 hatchway again with extended eyes, addressed him- 
 self to Lee : 
 
 " There y'ar then, I told yer so, it's Tharsder, and 
 Mr. Burle}/ was right ; we've knocked tew daays inter 
 one and no mistake ! " 
 
 " Thank goodness for small marcies," was Lee's re- 
 mark, " we shall be paaid for a daay's wark done in our 
 sleep ! " 
 
 Both men firmly believed they had slept from Tues- 
 day at four a.m. till Thursday at ten a.m., and no one 
 upset their belief. 
 
294 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Two days were spent at Yarmouth, for Weedy and 
 Stuggy had never been to Bloaterville previously, and 
 enjoyed the Seaman's Museum, grand old St. Nicholas' 
 Church, Trinity Wharf, and above all the Fish Quays 
 and Market, though in January but little fishing is done 
 in comparison to the spring and autumn fishing. 
 
 After the evening meal Lee asked leave to go ashore for 
 a couple of hours, a request which was readily granted ; 
 nine o'clock being the time appointed for his return, 
 with the proviso that if he came aboard late or drunk, 
 he was to look out for squalls. All were to be abed 
 early so as to get away with the young flood very early 
 in the morning. 
 
 Nine o'clock came, but no Lee. 
 
 Ten o'clock brought no sound of his lingering feet, 
 and even eleven o'clock found him an absentee. 
 
 The broken parole annoyed Admiral Linear very 
 much, and he prepared to give the truant a warm re- 
 ception and a ducking to sober him when he did appear. 
 
 The " Waterfay " was not by any mean.s a teetotal 
 ship, but the bounds of moderation were never over- 
 stepped. Bears the four friends might call themselves, 
 but not boozers. Cocoa is the thing for really cold 
 weather ; it is at once food and drink, and there is only 
 one thing that keeps out cold better, according to the 
 writer's idea, and he has tried the whole gamut of 
 drinks, and that is a cup of hot " Bovril." To a cold 
 man it is fluid life, it revivifies his numbed being and 
 flows through his system like new blood. Failing that 
 
THE IXXOCEXTS' WINTER CRUISE. 295 
 
 a packet of Knorr's Pea Soup will " make one's young 
 blood tingle in his veins," and make him warm and 
 comfortable. 
 
 At 11.30 each Innocent sat gaping and yawning at 
 the other across the table, growling and snappy, as the 
 previous night's rest had been an exceedingly short one. 
 
 L proposed that the others should roost, whilst 
 
 he remained to welcome the erring one. 
 
 Carried nemine contradicente. 
 
 But a few minutes appeared to pass when L 
 
 awoke with a shiver and a start. 
 
 It was broad daylight. 
 
 There lay Weedy with a happy smile on his counte- 
 nance, while snores enough to wake a deaf man pro- 
 ceeding from the fore-cabin proclaimed that Burley was 
 also in the land of dreams, although he had confidently 
 
 whispered to L the previous night that he meant 
 
 to just sit up and doze till that beggar Lee comes 
 back. 
 
 The Admiral quietly pushed open the door and 
 
 peeped into the fore-cabin, and beheld the dozing B • 
 
 propped up in a corner against a pile of pillows, and so 
 well wrapped in blankets and rugs that he more re- 
 sembled an Eg}^ptian mummy than a fine specimen of 
 the genus " landlubber " species " night-watch." 
 
 Linear sniggered, then laughed outright and awoke 
 
 the fairylike B , who sprang up as if the ship were 
 
 on fire. 
 
 " What's up ? " he cried m a dazed manner, as the 
 
296 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 bright sun streamed into his dazzled eyes. " Oh, I 
 know ! oh yes, of course. Is the beggar back ? " 
 
 Linear repHed, " I don't know," and then shouted, 
 
 "Josling!" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "Lee!" 
 
 " Aye, aye, sir ! " instantly replied the well-known 
 voice. 
 
 Then Linear sat down in amazement, while the 
 others rolled their heads out of their cosy blankets and 
 inquired, "What's up?" 
 
 After breakfast Lee was called into the cabin and 
 asked to explain his conduct of the previous evening. 
 
 " Well, sir, you see it wuz a little mistake o' mine, I 
 mistook the clock, and instid of comin' away from my 
 frinds at a corter ter nine, it wuz a corter ter ten ; so, 
 thinks I, it 'ont du to go aboard and distarb them gen'le- 
 men, so away I go to old Hoppy Shelton's wherry, and 
 he gan me a doss for the night, and then I come aboard 
 at daylight. That's how it wuz, sir." 
 
 And he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand 
 and looked around as if to say, " Very considerate of 
 me, was it not? " 
 
 " Where is Hoppy ? " asked L , turning it in his 
 
 mind to have Lee's statement corroborated, as it 
 sounded too smooth and feasible to be true. 
 
 " Gone up to Norwich on the flood, sir," was Lee's 
 ready reply. 
 
 L whispered to B , " He's done us brown this 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 297 
 
 time, old man," and then aloud to Lee, he administered 
 a caution, advising more punctuality next time, and a 
 request that he should look twice at the clock before 
 keeping a party of gentlemen awake till near midnight. 
 
 Lee resumed his duties with a merry little twinkle 
 
 in his eye — a twinkle that caused L , some months 
 
 later on meeting " Hoppy," to ask him about Lee's 
 adventure. 
 
 " Well, sir," said Hoppy with a roll in his black eye, 
 and an accompanyinp- roll of the bit of twist in his 
 cheek, "it wuz like this. Me and Lee and some more 
 chaps met together in the Jolly Oysterman, and o' 
 course, as yow 'know, one glass bekon to another, and 
 so on ; and when half-arter ten come — shettin' up time, 
 yer know — Jack Lee was so jolly full of liquor that 
 his legs kinder shet up under him like a knife-blade. 
 
 " Well, he's such a fellow to sing when he's that way, 
 that I dussen't let him come aboard your yacht in such 
 a state ; so I ups wi' his legs and Ben Peggs ups wi' 
 his head, and we carried him aboard my wherry, and 
 hulled him onter a pile o' sacks, and there he lay till 
 morning. 
 
 " Jest at daybreak, about seven or so, I roused him 
 up, and gan him some coffer and wittles, and made 
 him woish, then sent him aboard the ' Waterfay ' just 
 afore I got under weigh at half-arter seven, and I think 
 he go' out o' his scrape pretty well. Don't be hard on 
 
 him, Mr. , for he's a good lad, and has signed the 
 
 pledge since." 
 
298 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 And it may be added he has kept it. 
 
 Up the Bure the old " Waterfay " rattled at her best, 
 the wind blowing in icy blasts across the great marshes 
 in a most cutting manner, so that one's eyes were 
 constantly filled with tears, and the iron tiller had to 
 be bumbled with a piece of sacking to ma'ke it a bit 
 more comfortable to the hand, as without it the cold 
 iron seemed to bite through even a thick glove. 
 
 It may be said with a great show of truth, that the 
 ten miles between Yarmouth and Stokesby is the 
 dreariest stretch of waterway in the United Kingdom. 
 
 It is one dreadful, monotonous, treeless, houseless, 
 marshy flat, through which the river meanders, and 
 over which, without stay or stint, the wintry wind 
 whistles and blows keen enough to freeze the very 
 marrow in a prize fat man's spine ; that is when a north- 
 easter is blowing, and the thermometer is dodging about 
 the lower thirties. 
 
 Great frozen pools stood on the marshes, and curlew, 
 teal, mallard, snipe, duck, waterhen, and coot were fre- 
 quently seen, but mostly out of shot. 
 
 Each took it in turn to steer, while Lee attended to 
 the stark frozen ropes, and' Josling (who had been a 
 boy cook at Greenwich) attended to the preparation 
 of the ingredients for a mammoth Irish stew. 
 
 What dish finer for a cold day? What tastier? or 
 more filling? What more comforting to a frozen 
 mariner's stomach than a steaming hot jorum of Irish 
 stew? 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 299 
 
 Had Homer been a mariner who sailed the wintry 
 main, he might have added another stanza or two to 
 his Ihad, in praise of fragrant Irish stew. 
 
 Speaking of stew reminds one of cooking, and then 
 crops up the question so often put, what is the best 
 cooking-stove for a yacht? What can beat one of 
 Rippingille's (Albion Lamp Co.) ? They will bake, boil, 
 stew, steam, and do everything but talk. 
 
 The writer has tried many kinds of stove, but like 
 many others has found Rippingille the yachtsman's 
 greatest friend and vade mecum after all. 
 
 " Jtland me thy dulcet lyre, O my impromptu Muse. 
 Thanks ! Now for praise of Irish stew : 
 
 IRISH STEW. 
 
 " ' When Jupiter, with Court profane, 
 
 On Mount Olympus reigned, 
 On nectar and ambrosia he 
 
 His godlike state maintained. 
 His cooks, from every climate drawn, 
 
 Were famed for " bake and brew " ; 
 But in their menu was not found 
 
 The famous Irish Stew ! 
 
 " ' When Hercules, his labours great, 
 
 He manfully did try on. 
 His strength was so prodigious that 
 
 He slew Numidia's lion. 
 And on his back he bore the world — 
 
 A feat that's not quite true ; 
 And whence did all his strength arise ? 
 
 From well-made " Irish Stew ! " 
 
300 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 ' When Orpheus, Apollo's son, 
 
 To Hades took his way, 
 To free his loved Eurydice 
 
 From Pluto's dreadful sway. 
 Old Pluto gave the bard a dish 
 
 He'd cause for aye to rue ; 
 He lost his bride by backward look — 
 
 He smelled that Irish Stew ! ' 
 
 " Thanks, my lovely Muse, sling up thy tuneful 
 instrument again, for methinks a jorum of the grateful 
 dish awaits me." 
 
 By the four-mile house, a party of men were smelting, 
 and the " Waterfays " paused in their wild career to 
 watch the hardy fishermen and ascertain what luck they 
 had. Only moderate takes were being secured, and the 
 handling of the half-frozen nets and ropes was para- 
 lyzing work. 
 
 The crew of four were invited into the " Waterfay's " 
 comfortable cabin, and each supphed with a stiff glass of 
 grog, but one of them, before being served, tumbled 
 off his seat like a log of wood, in a dead faint. 
 
 This curious collapse occasionally happens when men 
 are too suddenly brought from a very low temperature 
 into a high one, and the writer has been present on more 
 than one occasion when such an occurrence has taken place. 
 
 Propped in the cockpit, and his face sponged with 
 river water, he soon came to, but could not again be 
 persuaded to enter the cabin. 
 
 Half a crown purchased a score and a half of beautiful 
 smelts, and then under weigh again. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE, 301 
 
 The wind was choppy and blew in big flaws, which 
 gave the steersman plenty to do ; but as he was relieved 
 every hour, it was not so bad after all. In the mean-^ 
 time, the friends played cards in the cosy cabin. 
 
 Weedy's turn came for the helm, and as he came from 
 the warm cabin and took his trick at the wheel, with 
 the wind howling through the standing rigging, and 
 apparently focussing its energies on his starboard ear,, 
 and making his nose play the chameleon by changing 
 it to fancy shades of red, purple, violet, and blue, he 
 soliloquised to himself somewhat in this strain, sending 
 out great spouts of white cloudy breath as he pushed 
 the great tiiier over, now to port and now to starboard,, 
 and anon steadying her. 
 
 " Well, this is deuced cold, and no mistake. Wonder 
 what they are all doing at home? What a fool they 
 would think me, could they peep and see me now with, 
 blue-cold nose, and watery eyes like Niagara in full run. 
 Here comes a wherry ; I suppose I must keep to wind- 
 ward of her. What a smash it would be if I ran into- 
 her ; and wouldn't the water be something cold. 
 Reckon I could swim ashore easy enough and run to 
 the nearest village, but should sound like a peal of bells 
 by the time I arrived, by reason of the icicles dangling 
 from my clothing. 
 
 " There you blow then, young Topler ! " this to the 
 passing wherryman, who m return replies : 
 
 " There you ^o then, maaster ! Rare fine weather for a 
 cruise, eh? Body o' snow in them there clouds there^ 
 
30 2 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 you mark me, maaster ! " And he points with his pipe- 
 stem to the great grey banks rolling ahead, and glides 
 silently onward. 
 
 Then Weedy resumes his soliloquy. 
 
 " I wonder what it really is like in the Arctic Regions ? 
 — perhaps not worse than a north-easter here. The 
 Esquimos appear to get along all right. I wonder if a 
 fellow could eat that big piece of raw suet hanging in 
 the larder on a day like this? I believe I could. 
 Wonderful thing is cold, to make one eat solid fat 
 without revulsion. I could eat fat pork four inches 
 thick with a biscuit now, I'm sure." 
 
 " I say, Lee, did you ever hear of a man eating candles 
 in very cold weather ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir, I once bet a man half a gallon one cold 
 day that he couldn't eat a candle — that was out in the 
 North Sea fishing a few year back, and it wuz cold tu." 
 
 "Well," queried W eagerly, pushing the tiller 
 
 over to make a tack, " and how did he get through his 
 task?" 
 
 " Oh ! I done him, sir ! He thou't he was goin' ter 
 •set about a ' taller ' candle, but I gan him a ' compersite ' 
 to tadkle, and he could only manage half ; it kindler 
 hung round his teeth and wouldn't go down, so he gan 
 It up!" 
 
 Then W falls into reverie again. 
 
 " My feet are like two blocks of stone — by the way, 
 •straw in the cockpit would be an improvement if it 
 were well-trodden down so as not to foul the jib-sheets. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUTSE. 303 
 
 Bother this nose of mine, I have to attend to it twenty 
 times an hour at least. Now really , which is the better, 
 to be snug at home in the arm-chair by the fireside 
 of my study, with my feet on the fender, and a big 
 cigar in my mouth, or here with frozen ears, nose, 
 feet, and hands? I have no hesitation in preferring 
 my present station in the well, let the wind cut and 
 whistle as it will, as I guide my bark boldly northward 
 with her great main-sail overhead set as stiff as a board, 
 to the most comfortable fireside in the universe. 
 
 " In a few minutes I shall be relieved, and dive into 
 the cabin and thaw my nose over a glass of hot, 
 strong, and sweet, and with the feeling of an old Viking 
 after he had accomplished some great feat of sailing 
 the wintry sea. 
 
 " But I say what a deuced long hour this seems ! 
 
 " If I am not relieved soon, I believe my feet will 
 be frost-bitten. 
 
 " I must do a South Sea Island war-dance." (He 
 does it.) 
 
 " Now let's try a whistle." (Tries, but his lips will 
 not frame themselves to give out musical sounds.) 
 
 "Well then, I'll sing it." (He warbles the "Wreck 
 of the Hesperus," and accompanies his singing by an 
 elephantine war-dance, his breath going out in clouds in 
 the icy air.) 
 
 He hears those three beggars in the cabin mirthfully 
 cry " encore," and performs another breakdown for their 
 edification. 
 
304 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Then, as he cannot get at his watch, he shouts to 
 Burley to know how his hour is getting along. He 
 fancies he hears accompanying giggles as the reply 
 comes, " Another ten minutes yet." 
 
 " Jingo ! " he remarks mentally, " it must seem so long 
 because of the cold and the awful monotony of this 
 flat, featureless country — nothing in the landscape to 
 gauge time by." 
 
 Then those Innocents impose upon the good-natured 
 steersman, and lengthen his ten minutes to nearly 
 twenty, when he at last smells a lat, and threatens to 
 run them^ ashore if one of them does not instantly 
 turn out. 
 
 Another five minutes for Stugfgy to put on his Arctic 
 
 clothing, then frozen W tumbles into the cabin, 
 
 and catching sight of the brass timepiece realises the 
 little joke. He has been kept at the helm one hour 
 and fifty minutes! 
 
 " Oh ! you beauties," says he, shaking his fist at 
 
 L and B " Oh ! for a two-handed sword and 
 
 block of wood, I'd serve you as Old King Hal served 
 Buckingham." 
 
 " Never mind Buckingham, old man, get outside this,. 
 and receive our thanks for the noble manner in which 
 you have steered us through this howling wilderness," 
 
 and B held forth a glass of steaming whisky and 
 
 water in his big fist. " Drink, my boy, and thaw your 
 beautiful tomato-like but heroic nose. Drink Hael ! " 
 
 Acle Bridge at last. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 305 
 
 All hands ahoy! 
 
 Down comes jib and main-sail, and down comes mast, 
 and all hands working with a will, the " Waterfay " is soon 
 quanted under the inconvenient and narrow centre arch, 
 and moored by the left bank for the night. Up goes 
 the comfortable awning over the cockpit, and in half 
 an hour everything is snug, and on comes the great 
 dish of steaming Irish stew — a dish the gods never 
 tasted, or it would have formed a standing dish among 
 those immortals, " Boreas, Neptune, & Co." 
 
 Fancy such an item added to the menu of Ambrosiae ! 
 
 That night all made merry, 
 
 Burley sang several songs, while the others formed 
 a grand chorus. 
 
 Lee, being a famous step-dancer, hung a lamp in the 
 stern-sheets and indulged the company with a numlber 
 of jigs, reels, and hornpipes, for which the Innocents 
 made the music by whistling, keeping time by clapping 
 hands a la the West Indian negroes. 
 
 The well made a capital stage, being snugly covered 
 in with the awning, while the swinging lamp sent Lee's 
 shadow dancing on its canvas walls in extravagant 
 antics. He danced till the perspiration ran down his 
 cheeks ; in fact till, as he put it, " he couldn't chuck his 
 feet about no longer." 
 
 It would have looked a strange scene could anyone 
 have peeped in upon the pandemonium. Two gentle- 
 men whistling and clapping hands and knees, two 
 others humming and clapping ditto, Josling playing a 
 
 U 
 
3o6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 melancholy obligate on a wheezy flageolet, and Lee all 
 arms and legs, dancing in boots whose soles left little 
 change out of an inch in thickness. 
 
 It was just grand, and put the Albert Hall concerts 
 completely in the shade. 
 
 Next day a poor breeze took the " Waterfay " up the 
 Thurne, and being a head wind but little progress was 
 
 made; but this just suited B and S , who took 
 
 their guns on deok and had some very fair sport at 
 the wild-fowl. 
 
 " Keep her just moving along," said the admiral to 
 Lee. " The wind has changed a point in our favour 
 for sailing, but we do not wish to take advantage of 
 it. Just slacken the peak halliards and give the guns 
 a chance." 
 
 Jo sling hung astern in the dinghy and acted as 
 retriever, and before Heigham Bridge was reached 
 three brace of pigeons, a coot, acid a pewit lay on the 
 well lockers. 
 
 " Good gobble ! " quoth B , who was alderman of 
 
 the party. 
 
 That night the Innocents lay near Kendall Dyke — 
 locally called " Candle Deck " — and by nine o'clock 
 next morning had bagged enough wild-fo*w"l to send a 
 few feathers to their town friends. 
 
 With a view to carrying out this arrangement the 
 fowl were allotted into parcels and duly labelled. Linear 
 volunteering to taJke them to Hickling village for send- 
 ing per parcel post. Lee accompanied him to steer. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE, 307 
 
 and all went well until Riches' Dyke was reached, 
 where it was found that the ice, which in Kendall Dyke 
 was confined to the sides and a few floating patches, 
 formed a complete barrier, making progress almost im- 
 possible. Near the reed rands it was very solid, and 
 held in place by the stems of the reeds, but in the 
 channel had been broken by a wherry the day before 
 and " re-soldered together " during the night. 
 
 Both took a pair of paddles and pulled might and 
 main, but the broken ice piled up in front of the bow 
 and impeded progress. Now and again Lee, who sat 
 on the forward thwart, . would rise and jdisperse the 
 accumulation with his oarloom, which enabled a little 
 further progress to be made. 
 
 Thus with immense toil and much puffing and blow- 
 ing, and no little perspiration, the entrance to Hickling 
 Broad was reached, but that proved the Ultima Thule, 
 for strive as they would they stuck as fast as the Tower 
 of Babel, and could not get another yard. 
 
 A mile away on the further side of the broad dim 
 little dots could be seen moving about — these were 
 people skating, but beyond all was murk and mystery. 
 
 The two mariners looked at each other as much as 
 to say: "Here we are; what next?" 
 
 " Tu thick to pull agin," quoth Lee, examining a 
 huge fragment, " and tu thin to walk upon. There's 
 a fancy now. What shall we du, maaster? If we can 
 du anything it will be to walk, but whatever we du du, 
 let's du at once, while we are warm." 
 
3o8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Linear looked at the treacherous ice, which was quite 
 an inch and a half thick where they were, but probably 
 two and a half inches thick on the more exposed part of 
 the broad ; then he carefully laid the oars out over the 
 bow of the boat, with their blades flat and close together 
 on the ice, and contemplated trying his fourteen stone 
 odd upon them, but bold Lee with great gallantry 
 would not allow the venture. 
 
 " Hold on, maaster, yow're tu heavy ; let me try fust, 
 I'm on'y a little faller alongside o* yu. Now then," 
 
 and he poised himself on the gunnel while L held 
 
 his hand. 
 
 " When she bend she bear, when she crack she 
 break," said Lee, warily sidling along the oars, and 
 in spite of an ominous crack when he reached the 
 blades, was venturing one foot upon the ice itself, when 
 there was another and louder crack, and he made a 
 dash back to the boat, up the treacherous oars ; and 
 although a very difficult feat, actually accomplished it, 
 and fell into Linear's arms, upsetting him over a thwart, 
 and both coming down with a crash enough to send 
 the bottom of the boat out. 
 
 The ducks which Lee had slung over his back flew 
 in all directions, some in the boat and some in the 
 water. 
 
 Big bruises to both was the result, especially to 
 
 L , who had a lump on the back of his head so 
 
 large that he could not pull his cap on again. Lee had 
 a black eye and sundry odd bits of skin off his forehead. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE, 309 
 
 "Well, maaster, that's a rumman, eh?" was his re- 
 mark, as he picked himself up and Mt himself all over. 
 " My gosh ! I niver saw stars like them afore ! Are 
 yow hurt, maaster ? " 
 
 " Hurt ? Am I killed you mean. Just look here, I've 
 got a lump on my head like a prize pumpkin ! " 
 
 Nothing remained but to gather up the scattered 
 birds and pull back to the yacht, which was leisurely 
 done, and the two men who had set out like heroes 
 only an hour before, returned like a couple of wounded 
 warriors, much to the amusement of the other members 
 of the party, who swore that a fight had taken place, 
 and Lee having got a black eye had retaliated with 
 an oar in a soft spot on the admiral's cranium. 
 
 That afternoon the birds were sent from Potter 
 Heigham. The next few days were spent in shooting, 
 and fishing for pike on the Thume, and on the Bure 
 as far as Wroxham, and very fair sport was secured, 
 in spite of the grumbling of the "bears," who always 
 wanted something or other they could not just then get. 
 
 Stuggy, who was never so happy as when using his 
 camera, had one day taken about two dozen plates of 
 what he called " manners and customs of bears in their 
 native wilds," and after sundown had made a dark 
 
 room of the fore-cabin, in which he and W busied 
 
 themselves in developing the plates, many of which 
 came out with beautifully sharp definition owing to the 
 wonderfully pure atmosphere in which they had been 
 taken. 
 
31 o THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 Then came the difficulty of how to wash so many 
 plates thoroughly, but S was equal to the emer- 
 gency, for taking a large brown " ped " (hamper), he, 
 with the aid of an awl, passed twine through between 
 the twigs in such a manner as to form a series of 
 divisions for the glasses, so that they might not come 
 in contact with each other. 
 
 B , looking on, commended him for his cleverness, 
 
 whereupon, his face beaming with conscious pride, 
 S chortled: 
 
 " I have an idea for washing plates, my boy, that 
 will lick creation — it is automatic, and costs nothing." 
 
 His idea was to hang the basket over the stem of 
 the yacht just sufficiently deep for the water to flow 
 through it as the tide ran up or down, and so wash 
 the plates thoroughly. Quite a conception of genuine 
 genius. 
 
 He carried out his plan by suspending the hamper 
 over the counter by a number of strands of twine, and 
 thus the machine was left to swing from the stem all 
 through night 
 
 In the morning — a most awful morning by the way, 
 snow and wind and freezing hard — the precious auto- 
 matic washer was gone. 
 
 Tableau ! 
 
 With chattering teeth and wind-tossed garments, 
 everyone was groping around the yacht with oars and 
 poles, prodding the muddy bottom to And the hamper, 
 and blessing S and his camera ; the " bears " 
 
THE INNOCENTS WINTER CRUISE. 311 
 
 really did growl at having to turn out on such a morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Burley, whose soul did not soar to artistic work, 
 appeared to enjoy the incident more than anyone else, 
 as it gave him an opportunity of poking fun at poor 
 Stuggy. He wanted to sell the patent of the wonder- 
 ful automatic washer to A , and riled the inventor 
 
 so much that had B been a couple of sizes smaller 
 
 there would probably have been war. 
 
 Of course the others, seeinp- Stuggy' s monkey up, 
 must inquire of each other the cost of patent rights, 
 and what would really be a good name for a plate- 
 washer, etc, etc. 
 
 Poor old S • bore it for a long time, and then 
 
 fairly exploded with wrath, finally diving into the cabin 
 to get away from his tormentors. 
 
 During breakfast he was very glum, looking unutter- 
 able things, but his drooping spirits revived when 
 
 S stated his belief that the hamper was not lost, 
 
 but had only gone before — ^that is, had become detached 
 from its patent moorings and floated away on the tide, 
 and that with the kind permission of the celetbrated 
 inventor, all hands, after breakfast, should turn out 
 and hunt along the banks for the treasure. 
 
 In due time Lee and Josling manned the boat, while 
 the rest went along the bank — two up stream and two 
 down — wobbling slowly along the adamantine, ankle- 
 breaking footpath. 
 
 Search was made in every nook and bay ; not a 
 
312 TRE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 place on either bank escaped the vigilance of the 
 searchers, and after half an hour's search a shout from 
 the boat announced that the missing patent automatic, 
 costless plate-washer had been found in a reed rand 
 on the other side of the river. 
 
 " Hurrah ! " shouted everyone as the boat took the 
 " ped " in tow and brought it back to the yacht 
 
 Joy! 
 
 But only for a short time, for it was found that the 
 
 wood which B had placed in the hamper had 
 
 swollen and raised the contents above the water, and 
 a solid lump of ice held the plates in its frigid grasp ; 
 it looked as if everyone must be spoiled, as they were 
 covered with all kinds of arabesque and other fantastic 
 devices engraved in ice by the deft hands of Jack 
 Frost. 
 
 On arriving at the yacht, sober and solemn council 
 was held, when it was decided to thaw the whole 
 apparatus " en bloc " as it stood on the counter. 
 
 The liquefying was brought about very slowly, by 
 adding a pint of hot water to each pailful of cold water 
 used ; and thus by degrees the ice was dissipated and 
 the plates recovered; only five of them were spoiled 
 out of the whole batch- 
 Thus Stuggy's automatic washer turned up trumps 
 after all, and several of the plates found their way into 
 the very admirable album of " Broadland Scenery " 
 belonging to the Great Eastern Railway Company. 
 
 At Salhouse, one fine crisp morning, the four 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 313 
 
 comrades had a ver}^ fair turn among the pike, having 
 several capital " knocks," which resulted in the landing 
 of six fish, none of which were of any size, however, 
 the largest being a trifle over seven pounds. Several 
 others under three pounds were returned to the water. 
 
 Two fine runs were had with big fish, but in one 
 case the tackle snapped, and in the other some sunken 
 
 faggots made such desperate tangle of B 's running 
 
 tackle, that he had to lie flat down on the bank, and 
 baring his arm to the shoulder, reach down and cut it 
 away while the big fish plunged about in all directions, 
 being frequently visible. 
 
 Unfortunately B , in his eagerness to secure his 
 
 prey, cut the line in the wrong place during one of 
 his dives, and away went Mr. Pike with his flight , of 
 hooks, never more to be seen. Unfortunately Josling 
 had the boat ajway at Wroxham to replenish the ship 
 with bread, oil, and other commodities, or he might 
 have gaffed or netted the big pike. 
 
 The fishing was so exciting that after a hot lunch 
 all fell to again in the afternoon with rod and line, 
 each standing about a hundred yards apart from his 
 
 neighbour. In about an hour, dunng which W 
 
 had landed the only fish — a little chap baxely going 
 three pounds — there came a frantic "Hi! Hi!!" from 
 Burley, with a reiterated shout of " Landing-net ! 
 Landing-net, quick ! " 
 
 Unfortunately W had it 300 yards away, but 
 
 picking it up he ran as swiftly as his heavy clothing 
 
314 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 would admit to his struggling- companion, who was 
 dancing along the bank evidently playing a very heavy 
 fish. 
 
 His line spun off the reel at a tremendous rate ajs 
 the mighty pike took it, hissing and cutting through the 
 water almost to the opposite bank, forty yards away. 
 To the right and to the left, up stream and down, sailed 
 
 the pike, and then made a dash almost to B 's feet, 
 
 where it stopped dead, as if to have a think as to its 
 next move ; upon which B yelled again : 
 
 "The net! Why doji't you bring that net? Come 
 on! quick! quick I '^ 
 
 He reeled in his line, and probably pricked the fish 
 
 again, just as W dashed up panting and breathless 
 
 with the bifT landing-net. 
 
 That prick did it, for the pike momentarily showed 
 himself at the surface, then made a tremendous dash 
 for liberty towards the other bank, making the big 
 reel fairly scream at the rate it revolved, and — then 
 came a kink or a jamming in a ring — the top joint bent 
 like a .Cynthian bow and suddenly snapped. Next, 
 crack went the second joint, which broke off just above 
 
 the ferrule, leaving only the bottom joint in B 's 
 
 hands. 
 
 A second later the line broke, and the fish was free! 
 Everyone was so dumfoimded that for a time no one 
 spoke — they were too full of surprise and disappoint- 
 ment to record their feelings in words, and simply made 
 that unspellable clucking " tut tut " noise, which means 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 315 
 
 volumes — and turned slowly from the spot where the 
 monster had last been seen. 
 
 Whether it weighed " tu stoon," as Lee swore it did, 
 will never be known, but on the principle of the Ex pede 
 Heixulem, only judging by the size of its head instead 
 of its foot, it must have been well over three feet in 
 length, and consequently one of the coveted twenty- 
 pounders. 
 
 If it did not furnish food for the table it at least 
 furnished food for reflection and conversation for the 
 remainder of the day. 
 
 Thus departed another fine specimen of the famous 
 " nearly caught " pike. 
 
 " Pike on the brain " now appeared to have affected 
 the whole ship's company, and Linear proposed they 
 should sail as near to Barton Broad as the ice would 
 permit, and there try fishing through boles cut in the 
 ice — a game he had tried on several occasions pre- 
 viously, usually with success. 
 
 Up sail, and away went the " Waterf ay " through the 
 white and grey landscape — threading the black waters 
 of the river, fringed with its yellow ice-bound reeds, 
 until Irstead Church, standing in its solitary glory on 
 the bank of the Ant, was nearly reached, when s-he 
 could proceed no further. This was partly from lightly 
 touching bottom, and from the ice which had drifted 
 and caked in a kind of frozen wall right across the 
 river, at a bend completely damming the stream. 
 
 " Here we are, maaster, right in the middle of the 
 
3i6 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 river," remarked Lee, wiping the perspiration off his 
 forehead, for he had been quanting manfully, " she 'ont 
 go a fut farder; but nothin' kin come off the broad 
 and nothing go on, so we 'ont be in anyone's way were 
 we air." 
 
 So there the " Waterfay " was moored by long warps 
 to the banks, where she remained for two or three 
 days. 
 
 S and B , both fond of the gun, had very- 
 good sport up and down the Ant. Josling pulling and 
 they looking out for a shot ; one taking the right and 
 the other the left bank. From Ant mouth they went 
 to Thurne mouth, and did not return till after dark, 
 by which time they had ten and a half brace of various 
 wild-fowl ; and again " the larder sang with fatness," 
 even after each had sent away a couple of brace to his 
 friends, for not a day went by without three or four 
 brace being added to the store. Several flights of 
 geese came over, but always much too high for a shot 
 
 While S and B looked after the " feathers," 
 
 Linear and Weedy were equally busy with " hns." 
 
 Borrowing a clay spade and a small mattock from 
 the cottage occupied by old Allen, they shouldered their 
 tools, together with a basket of provisions, and repaired 
 to a certain part, near the mouth of a deep water dyke, 
 which flowed into the main water, and near the junction 
 made two holes in the ice, some ten feet from the bank. 
 
 Cutting the holes was not accomplished without 
 some exertion, as the ice was about four inches thick. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 317 
 
 and had to be removed as quieitly but quickly as 
 possible. 
 
 As soon as the holes were cut, the two friends 
 observed quite a number of small fry, and hoped soon 
 to make the acquaintance of some larger ones. 
 
 They used short, stiff pike rods, but before they put 
 them together threw in a whole pailful of ground-bait, 
 
 which was a secret concoction of L 's, but as it was 
 
 found to work well it deserved to be patented with 
 Stugg}^'s "Automatic Washer." 
 
 W tried hard to fathom the secret, but all he 
 
 could discover was that L had the day before 
 
 bargained with a farmer for a great lump of horseflesh, 
 which had been sent aboard the yacht before anyone 
 was awake in the morning. 
 
 Linear had seen the dead horse suspended from the 
 branch of a tree near the stack-yard, hung there as food 
 for the farmer's dogs. That then was the principal 
 ingredient in the famous ground-bait. 
 
 Anyway, it was as Pat would say, " an illigint bait 
 entoirely," and so it wuz. 
 
 The lines and rods were placed in order on the 
 bank, and in half an hour the fishing began. 
 
 Hardly had W dropped in when bob went his 
 
 float (they used floats, but they are not necessary) ; 
 he struck, and in another instant up flopped a fine 
 perch, like a jack-in-the-box, and commenced flounder- 
 ing on the bank. 
 
 " Cadders and Fulfers ! " cried L excitedtyt 
 
31 8 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 " here's a start ! A half pounder, and a first promise of 
 more to follow ! " 
 
 He was but little behind, for a minute after he ex- 
 claimed : 
 
 " What cheer, matey, look at this ! " 
 
 Up came the own brother to W 's fish and joined 
 
 the other on the bank. Then, between them, in the 
 space of less than an hour, they landed over thirty 
 perch, and — then the fun suddenly slackened and 
 stopped 
 
 While L looked to the two rods W 
 
 hollowed out the edge of the frozen bank with much 
 labour, and filled the holes with some fodder from a 
 neighbouring stack, and in these holes the anglers stood 
 so as to keep their feet from freezing. When fishing 
 was slow they laid down their rods and did a fandango- 
 cum-bolerocum-hompipe war-dance along the bank for 
 a minute or two to restore animation. This quickly 
 circulated the blood and set them all of a glow again. 
 
 By one o'clock they had caught a pailful of fish, 
 mostly perch and rudd'j and after mutual consultation 
 agreed to cut two holes in the ice a hundred yards 
 further up; this they did for the purpose of trying 
 live -bait for pike. 
 
 The holes were roughly about two feet square, and 
 the ice at that spot nearly five inches thick. 
 
 Having no other rods but those in use, W went 
 
 to a hazel carr and cut a couple of sticks, to which they 
 rigged lines as well as their stiff fingers would allow. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 319 
 
 For bait small roach were used, and ordinary bottle 
 corks served as floats. 
 
 The lines were fastened to the centre of the sticks, 
 which were about four feet long, and the sticks then 
 laid across the holes, a lot of slack line being carefully 
 coiled on the ice near thenx 
 
 L agreed to watch them while W ran back 
 
 to look to the perch holes. 
 
 There was a fish on each line ; one of them being 
 a little one -pound pikelet, of which three had already 
 
 been taken and returned. W quickly re-baited, and 
 
 ran back to the pike holes which L was watching 
 
 like a born Esquimo. 
 
 The corks bobbed out of sight continually, drawn by 
 the struggling live-bait and the seaward current, and 
 it was soon seen by both that the mode was a very 
 poor one, as it was not easy to tell when a " run " 
 occurred. 
 
 L proposed to let out a little more line, and at 
 
 the same time remove the rods from their position 
 across the holes, and lay them on the ice some five or 
 six feet away, so that in the event of a run the stick 
 would fly across the hole, where it could be grabbed 
 by one or the other. 
 
 W thought the advice good, but was afraid the 
 
 stick might possibly be dragged end on down the ice 
 hole, even though the line was fastened to the centre. 
 Once under the ice, rod, bait, and line would be irre- 
 treviably lost. 
 
320 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 To obviate this L placed several other sticks 
 
 lattice-wise over the holes, and with a kind of 
 " Eureka " swagger, promised to keep a vigilant eye on 
 them while W v/orked the perch holes. 
 
 The latter did very well, the two rods keeping him 
 continually employed among the striped hsh, but Linear 
 seemed to have no luck at all, so after a while he 
 visited his friend. 
 
 " Look there, old man ! " exclaimed L excitedly, 
 
 as a fine lot of wild duck came sailing over their heads 
 within a beautiful distance for a shot. " Oh for a gim, 
 eh?" 
 
 " It does seem tantalizing," rephed W , following 
 
 the long line of outstretched necks with his eyes and 
 mouth both " ajar," " but it's very certain we can't fish 
 and shoot at the same time. And just look to your 
 right, there's a flock of pewit for you, my boy, two 
 hundred and fifty if there's " 
 
 "Hullo! Hullo!" shouted L , running with all 
 
 his might, " look at your blessed portcullis arrangement 
 flying about ! " 
 
 \V took one glance, and off he bounded too, for 
 
 there was evidently something very like a pike at work. 
 
 W arrived at the hole first in spite of L 's 
 
 long legs, and seizing the stick quickly detached the 
 line and scattered the wooden gridiron with his foot, 
 and then for the next few minutes there was a fine 
 game of give and take, as line was paid out from the 
 coil or drawn in from the ice hole. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 321 
 
 Linear was dancing around h.is companion excitedly, 
 giving all kinds of advice, when he saw the other stick 
 come to life ,and wriggle, presently rushing to the 
 ■crossed sticks at a single leap. 
 
 Now they were indeed busy, and excitement was in 
 their every action and look. 
 
 Neither had a landing-net — that was away at the 
 perch holes, of course — so they had first to exhaust their 
 captives and then draw them through the ice holes ; 
 indeed a landing-net would have been of very little 
 use in such a circumscribed space. 
 
 L 's little pike went three pounds and a bit, but 
 
 W 's was a fine fellow of eight pounds. 
 
 With very considerable success they continued the 
 fun till past five o'clock, when they could see no longer ; 
 by that time they had secured no less than eleven pike, 
 running from three pounds up to one of nine pounds 
 six ounces, the whole take amounting to between fifty- 
 seven and fifty-eig'ht pounds, besides which they had 
 some forty pounds of perch, rudd, and a few roach. 
 
 They returned to the yacht at six p.-m fairly stagger- 
 ing under their load of fish and impedimenta. The 
 pike were carried on a hazel stick, from which they 
 were suspended by strings passed through their gills. 
 
 They marched in happy and hungry as hunters, only 
 
 .a few minutes before S and B returned from 
 
 their shooting expedition, and greeted each other with 
 as much rapture as if they had not met for months ; 
 but then so much had happened in a few hours that 
 
 X 
 
32 2 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 everyone was bursting- to tell of his adventures ; but 
 it was agreed to postpone the recital of the said adven- 
 tures till after dinner. 
 
 " How's your appetite, old fellow ? " asked Linear. 
 
 " Hush ! " was B 's reply, " don't ask it so loudly ; 
 
 it makes me feel faint — it's nothing less than a roaring 
 famine which consumes me. How do you feel — steaky ? " 
 
 " Rather ! They say nature abhors a vacuum, and 
 just now she must hold me in utter abhorrence, for I 
 feel that I am a huge vacuum from my cranium to the 
 very soles of my feet. What say you on the subject, 
 brother Weedy ? " 
 
 '' Well, I certainly feel empty, but do you remembpr 
 Napoleon's aphorism on hunger? No! Well, he used 
 to tell his men that it was no use considering they were 
 hungry unless they could feel the back of their stomachs 
 flap against the buckle of their waist-belts as they 
 marched. I have no belt, but by Jove ! sharp-set is no 
 word for my feelings. How sayest thou, noble 
 Linear ? " 
 
 " How say I ? Why, I could gnaw the very paint 
 off the cabin doors, I am so ravenous. If dinner is not 
 ready in ten minutes I mean to make my first attempt at 
 cannibalism ; so look out, ye fat ones ! " 
 
 Dinner was ready at 6.30, and — they did eat. Then 
 with pipes filled and a cheery fire glowing in the little 
 
 stove, each related his adventures. W how he had 
 
 had a " run " with a whopping pike which had broken his 
 hazel rod and carried his line clean away. 
 
THE INNOCENTS WINTER CRUISE. 323 
 
 B had slipped down an icy bank just as he was 
 
 aiming- at a snipe, and had rolled into a drift of snow 
 five feet deep, and bang- went his gun just as he got 
 to the bottom, much to Stuggy's surprise, for the charge 
 was in his direction. 
 
 L showed his forty perch, not one under half 
 
 a pound, and S was in ecstasies at having shot 
 
 a brace of golden plover as he laid on his back, having 
 slipped on a frozen pool ; even Josling had met with 
 his share of adventure by going through some thin ice 
 into two feet of water and one of mud, while trying 
 to capture a wounded waterhen in a reed rand, and 
 in returning to the yacht to change his icy bags, he 
 had found two mallard frozen, by their feet, into the 
 ice of a reed pool. 
 
 They had apparently gone to sleep on the ice, and 
 as some v/ater flowed in from some rising land it had 
 frozen around their feet and thus imprisoned them. 
 
 Is life worth living? 
 
 Rather, when a party of friends can have such a 
 day's sport as that enjoyed on February 4th, 188 — 
 by the Innocents. 
 
 Since the occasion mentioned above the writer has 
 made, for a friend, a little machine which may fairly 
 be called an Automatic Signaller, for ice fishing. 
 
 The hole through the ice being cut as neatly as 
 possible, so as to avoid dangerous cracks and fissures, 
 a little machine of the following description is placed 
 before it 
 
324 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS. 
 
 A thick piece of 'board, about two feet long and ten 
 inches wide, has two pieces of broom-handle a foot 
 long driven upright into it, in holes made at either 
 end of the board. These uprights have slots cut in 
 them from the top about two inches downward, into 
 whidh drops a length of quarter-inch iron rod, so as 
 to form a top bar, such, as one see's on football goal- 
 posts. 
 
 Upon this rod a thick piece of wire is fastened, 
 with one end tiumed into an eye for the line to be 
 fastened to, and the other having a small lump of lead 
 on it. 
 
 A small piece of red rag shouild be added to the 
 weighted end to form a little pennant. 
 
 To use this contraption : fasten on the line, bait with 
 a small line, roach or dace, and place it in the ice 
 hole. The small piece of lead suffices to keep the 
 little flag lying on the ice, but when a " run " occurs, 
 the line is pulled, and up flies the flag, wobbling about 
 as a kind of danger signal, till the bold Anglo-Esquimo 
 rushes to play the pike, which from the absence of a 
 rod escapes about twice in five runs. Beware of sawing 
 the line on the edge of the ice — a break very soon 
 occurs. 
 
 This mode of fishing, however, has many advantages : 
 among others it can be indulged in when boat-fishing 
 is out of the question, and as there is no rod to hold, 
 it gives one an opportunity of being on the look-out for 
 a wild duck or curlew. 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE, 325 
 
 Gradually the " Waterfay " made her way back to 
 Acle, frequent halts being made for shooting and fish- 
 ing ; the former being the most successful enjoyment. 
 One day a brace of beautiful birds were shot, near 
 Woodbastwick, with very long tail feathers, which in 
 Norfolk are "taboo," but they came such a beautiful 
 
 shot that B dropped them with a right ajnd left 
 
 as they flew across the river. Strange birds, but often 
 seen in London, hung in rows outside the poulterers' 
 shops. 
 
 The last morning on the Bure was a memorable one, 
 for When the Innocents arose at eight a.m. the snow was 
 falling very thickly and silently, while the thermometer, 
 hanging to a tack on the mast, read 24 degrees 
 Fahrenheit. 
 
 After breakfast the snow ceased falling, and all hands 
 turned out to clear it off the deck, a task which took 
 some time, as the frozen snow clung to everything with 
 which it came in contact. It caused great fun, however, 
 and any spectator must have been amused to see great 
 bearded men behaving like a lot of schoolboys just 
 released for the day. 
 
 " How much snow is there here ? " queried Burley, 
 looking at the thick, white mantle which hid everything 
 on deck from view, burying coils of rope, quants, rods, 
 and gear of all kinds from sight 
 
 " A boat full to the gunnel," said Stuggy. 
 
 "Yes, and topped up beside," chimed in L . 
 
 "I'll bet either of you," resumed B , running his 
 
326 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 eye over 'the shining crystals, " that you cannot fill the 
 boat level full with the snow you can collect from the 
 yacht Three cigars and drinks all round. Are you 
 on?" 
 
 " Right/' said L , seizing a spade, " we will take 
 
 your wager. Anything for fun." 
 
 All set to work with a will, and in an hour the boat 
 was crammed full, and even heaped above the gunnels, 
 
 and the wager was won by the trio. B did the 
 
 looking on. 
 
 Then the boat had to be cleared ; but this made a 
 piecework job, by getting some boys to clear and clean 
 her out for a few coppers, while the Innocents retired 
 into the inn, there to refresh the inner man. 
 
 The young monkeys soon completed their task by 
 hauling the boat out of the water and turning her over, 
 with the aid of Josling and the jib-halliards. 
 
 To hoist the main-sail was quite a task, the sheaves 
 being so frozen in the blocks that Lee had to scramble 
 up with a kettle of hot water to thaw them. 
 
 The sail, which was wet when lowered, was frozen 
 stiff, and' as the folds were pulled out in hoisting they 
 rattled, as Lee put it, "like old tea trays on Guy 
 Fav/kes' day." 
 
 Great dun-coloured snow clouds covered the whole 
 sky, and the wind from the north-east (a fair wind to 
 Yarmouth) blew in fitful gusts, captious and unkind ; 
 but the " Waterfay " bowled along bravely, till the clouds 
 caught her up — clouds which all knew were filled with 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 327 
 
 great snow flakes, like flying half dollars, but which 
 no one imagined to have a mighty, roaring wind tucked 
 under their massive yellow-grey folds. 
 
 As the first flakes fell silently around, a sudden squall 
 hke a " Rodger " (whirlwind) caught the yacht ; it was 
 a mighty roaring blast, and made the mast bend again. 
 
 Linear was at the helm, Lee at the jib-sheets, and 
 Josling handling the main-sheet ; while the others were 
 in the cabin cleaning guns, oiling boots, etc., when, 
 without a moment's warning, the squall struck the yacht. 
 
 The veering wind caught the huge main-sail and 
 knocked Linear clean off his legs, jamming him against 
 the well coamings, and in falling he brought Lee 
 down with him, and there they sprawled about the well 
 amid the ropes ends and a heterogeneous lumber of 
 oil-cans, potatoes, and a variety of stores, which burst 
 from the side lockers and prevented either from regain- 
 ing his feet. 
 
 At the same instant the main-sheet was torn through 
 Josling's hands like a flash of lightning, cutting .and 
 burning his fingers in a shocking manner, and covering 
 his hands with blood, for he was only holding the sheet 
 instead of having a turn round the cleat, as he should 
 have done. 
 
 The cabin stove lurdlied over, and a sudden avalanche 
 of crockery and a miscellaneous collection of goods and 
 chattels occurred: boots, guns, and bread flew m all 
 directions, as there came a sudden heavy shock and a 
 loud "boon^! " as the " Waterfay " cut a couple of feet 
 
328 THE INNOCENTS ON THE BROADS, 
 
 into the river wall and snapped her thick iron-wire- 
 bobstay, spilitting her jib from top to bottom. 
 
 Everything literally went '' by the run." 
 
 For some minutes the dreadful wind roared through 
 the rigging, and the snow came down in such masses as. 
 to completely blot out everything more than a few feet 
 away. 
 
 The stove was first righted, Burley and Weedy pick- 
 ing the hot coals up with knives and plates ; then all 
 crowded into the cabin, crew as well, and let the tornado 
 blow itself out, which it did in about twenty minutes. 
 Josling's hands were attended to, being bound up in 
 flour after being first cleansed in warm water, and 
 rubbed with salad oil. 
 
 The bobstay was rather troublesome to straighten out 
 and splice, but Lee, with help, made a very good job 
 of it, and everything being put square, another start was 
 made for Yarmouth after an hour's detention. The 
 Innocents reached that port about four p.m. ravenously 
 hungry, as biscuits and cheese were the only snap of 
 anything available for eating since breakfast-time. 
 
 A comfortable meal was cooked while the packing 
 up was taken in hand, and in due course consumed 
 with the appetite and relish that only fresh air and 
 good heallth can give. Then, bidding the crew farewell, 
 hey! for Liverpool Street and smoky, noisy, dear old 
 London. 
 
 That twelve-mile spin was the roughest the writer 
 €ver experienced in Broadland, the high wind chopping 
 
THE INNOCENTS' WINTER CRUISE. 329 
 
 about so that it seldom came from the desired quarter 
 — the bends and reaches seemed to be in league with 
 the wind ag-ainst the good ship, and the several degrees 
 of frost made the north-eastern cut and sting hke a 
 whip lash. 
 
 The mussel dredgers on Breydon caught the gale 
 after it had finished with the " Waterfay," and capsized 
 two of their boats, from which two men and a lad were 
 unfortunately drowned. 
 
 After all, the wintry cruise was an enjoyable one, 
 and the little incidents, accidents, and dangers en- 
 countered (unpleasant at the time) served to make the 
 cruise memorable ; and now, looking back after many 
 years, it brings to mind glad memories, and appears as 
 a bright gem among the happy days that can return no 
 more. 
 
 AU REVOIP^ 
 
 larrold and SonSy The Empire Press^ Norwich atid London. 
 
The Rejuvenation 
 
 OF 
 
 IMiss Semaphore. 
 
 A FARCICAL NOVEL 
 BY HAL GODFREY • 
 
 EIGHTH EDITION. 
 
 Cr. 8vo, Cloth Elegant, 3/6. Popular Edition, 6d* 
 
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UNCE, THE . 
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 on the 
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 lartha and I 
 
 Being Scenes and Incidents from 
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 Author oi " We Three & Troddles," by A. C. GOULD. 
 
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HREE 
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 iP'ublisheri' Circular. 
 
 Uadon : Jarrold and Sons, 10 and 11, Warwick Lane, E.C. 
 And of all Booksellers. 
 
list of j opiilar 6 d^ ffiochs* 
 
 Crown Svo, Illustrated. Paper wrapper. 
 That Little Girl. By Curtis Yorke. 
 Tlie Mystery of Landy Court. By Fergus Hume. 
 The Inn by the Shore. By Florence Warden, Author 
 
 of "The House on the Marsh," 
 
 -Beautiful Joe: The Autobiography of a Dog. By 
 
 Marshall Saunders, Author of " Her Sailor," " Deficient Saints," 
 "Rose a Charlitte," etc. 
 
 The Rejuvenation of Miss Semaphore : A Farcical 
 
 Novel. By Hal Godfrey. 30th Thousand. 
 
 We Three and Troddles : A Comic Side of London 
 
 Life. By R. Andom, Author of "Martha and I," etc. Illustrated by 
 Alec Carrdthers Gould. 62nd Thousand. 
 
 Martha and I : Beh^ Scenes from our Suburban Life. 
 By R. Andom, Author of " Troddles and Us and Others," etc. 
 
 Black Beauty : The Autobiography of a Horse. By Anna 
 
 Sewell. Millions of copies have been sold. 
 
 Cherry Ripe. By Helen Mathers, Author of " Comin' 
 
 thro' the Rye." 
 
 The Mystery of a Hansom Cab. By Fergus Hume. 
 
 391st Thousand. 
 
 Books on the Question 0/ the Hour. 
 
 The Transvaal Boer Speaking for Himself By 
 
 C. N. J Du Plkssis, of Johannesburg. Selected and Translated by 
 R. Acton. Crown Svo, paper covers. 
 
 Before Joseph came into Egypt. By William 
 
 Sykes. Crown Svo, paper covers. 
 
 Foolscap d)V0, Illustrated. 
 
 A Dysche of Norfolk Dumplings. By W. N. Dew. 
 
 Jack Jawkins's First Vote. \ 
 
 Johnny's Jaunt. 
 
 'Arry and 'Arriett at Yarmouth. 1 t ^■ 
 
 •Giles's Trip to London. 222nd Thousand. Jamls 
 
 The Cockneys in the Country. Spilling. 
 
 Molly Miggs's Trip to the Seaside. 
 
 The Comic Side of School Life. By H. J. Barker. 
 
 7th Edition. 
 
 Locdoa : Jarrold and Sons, !0 and II, Warwick Lane, E.G. 
 
 Ant of all Booksellers. 
 
Selections from JavxoWs Ticw ^ooks. 
 
 NEW BOOK OF ADVENTURE FOR BOYS. 
 
 Crown 8vo, Cloth Elegant, Fully Ilhcstrated, j/(5. 
 
 Afloat in a Gipsy Van. 
 
 By E. R. SUFFLING, 
 
 Author of '-'•Jethou; or, Crusoe Life in the Chaftnel Islands,'' 8cc. 
 
 With beautiful Illustrations by Paul Hardy. 3/6. 
 
 Being the wanderings and adventures of three lads under the 
 care of one, " Uncle Rue." It shows how a Gipsy Van is made 
 to float safely down the East Coast and across the North Sea 
 to Holland, and recounts the experience of the quartette both 
 on sea and land. 
 
 " A capital book for boys." — Daily Chronicle. 
 
 "It is ingenious, bright, and well-written, and will tend to develop the 
 resourcefulness of the boys who read it." — Independent. 
 
 "About the most novel and ingenious book for boys we have seen for 
 some time." — Aberdeen Free Press. 
 
 " Cannot fail to prove exceptionally interesting " — Christian World. 
 
 "Will prove of absorbing interest to those lads who delight in tales of 
 perseverance and pluck, and all that can be accomplished by these qualities. 
 The volume is cleverly illustrated by Paul Hardy."— Belfast News-Letter. 
 
 " It is a lively and well-written story." — Bradford Observer. 
 
 " Every boy's eye will brighten on seeing ' Afloat in a Gipsy Van.' The- 
 story is strongly original in conception, and is treated with a vigour becoming 
 a stirring recital oi a.dventure." — Dundee Advertiser. 
 
 " It is very well put together and written."— Literary World. 
 
 " It has a lively plot, which is always on the move, and adventures enough 
 to fill forth a dozen books, while the interest is always bright and changing." 
 — Scotsman. 
 
 " Mr. Suffling's yarn, which inculcates the need of courage, perseverance, 
 and obedience for the attainment of a desired end, will certainly delight and 
 interest a very large audience." — Christian Age. 
 
 " We are delighted with the whole narrative, and predict for it a great 
 success as a prize hook." — Teachers' Aid. 
 
 " It is a stirring narrative throughout, and youthful readers will find in its 
 pages as much of danger, strange adventures, and singular situations as the 
 most exacting of them can demand. And with all this, the limits of the 
 possible and probable are not exceeded." — Leeds Mercury. 
 
 London: Jarrold and Sons, 10 and 11, Warwick Lane, E.C^ 
 
 0/ all Booksellers and at the Bookstalls. 
 
Selections from Jarrold & Sons' Holiday Books. 
 
 Crown Svo, is. Superior Edition^ Cloth Elegant^ iS. (i6^. 
 
 JETHOU; 
 
 OR, 
 
 Crusoe Life in the Channel Islands. 
 
 By E. R. SUFFLING, 
 
 Author of^'' History and Legends of the Broads District.** 
 
 PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED. 
 
 SOME PRESS OPINIONS. 
 
 The Bookseller— 
 
 " It is high praise ; but since Mr. Stevenson wrote 'Treasure- 
 Island,' we know of no book of adventure hkely to be of such 
 absorbing interest to boys." 
 
 The Graphic— 
 
 "The Channel Islands are now becoming such a popular 
 resort, that although Jethou is not so well known as the larger 
 isles, Mr. Suffiing will be sure of attracting boys by the story of 
 his Crusoe Life in the Channel Isles." 
 
 The Manchester Guardian— 
 
 " It is a long time since we have seen so excellent a claimant- 
 for the favour of boys as ' Jethou.' " 
 
 The Publishers' Circular— 
 
 "A very entertaining account of a sojourn on one of tha 
 Channel Islands, with the incidents and adventures thai 
 occurred." 
 
 The Evening Post— 
 
 " A delightful volume, written with all that freshness and 
 charm that characterises all this writer's books." 
 
 ThelLlterary Y/orld— 
 
 "Our young folks will be delighted to read the strange and' 
 often eventful incidents of the year. The entire narrative is- 
 rendered more interesting by Nilford's Strong liking for natural 
 history and sport." 
 
 The Star- 
 
 " Brightly and simply written, it is a tale that will please the 
 boys. Mr. Suftling is an enthusiast on the subject of the 
 Channel Islands, and grows quite eloquent in his description ol 
 the scenery." 
 
 London: Jarrold and Sons, lo and ii, Warwick Lane, E.C^ 
 
Over 4-30,000 Already Sold. 
 
 . CHEAP RE-ISSUE OF THE 
 
 ^* GILES'S TRIP" SERIES. 
 
 MOST HUMOROUS AND ENTERTAINING. 
 
 List of Series 
 
 1. MOLLY MIGGS'S TRIP 
 
 TO TEE SEASIDE. 
 
 2. JOHNNY'S JAUNT. 
 
 3. JACK JAWKINS'S FIRST 
 
 VOTE. 
 
 4. THE COCKNEYS IN THE 
 
 COUNTRY. 
 
 5. 'ARRY AND 'ARRIETT 
 ^ AT YARMOUTH. 
 
 e. THE WORLDLING'S 
 
 PROGRESS. 
 
 3d- 
 
 each. 
 
 7. JOHNNY AND JENNY 
 
 ON THEIR WAY TO 
 LOWESTOFT. 
 
 8. TOM TODGERS AND 
 
 HIS CHRISTMAS 
 PARTY. 
 
 9. DAISY DIMPLE, HER 
 
 LOVES & LOVERS. 
 
 10. ROGER WRIGHT'S 
 
 FORTUNE. 
 
 Price 2iS. each. 
 
 1. GILES ON THE ROAD 
 
 TO LONDON. 
 
 2, GILES AND THE 
 
 SIGHTS OF LONDON. 
 
 3. GILES'S ADVENTUREf^ 
 
 IN LONDON. 
 
 4. GILES & THE GRAND 
 
 OLD MAN. 
 
 Over 217 Thousand Cofties Sold. 
 
 GILES'S TRIP TO LONDOM. 
 
 Illustrated Paper Covers, 6dm / Clotk, fsm 
 
 "This exquisitely funny book is read with the greatest delight and 
 amusement." — Yarmouth Indef'cndent. 
 
 T.0N1K)N: JARROLD & SONS, lo & ii, WARWICK LANE, E.a 
 And of all Booksellers. 
 
GENERAL LIBRARY 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA— BERKELEY 
 
 RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED 
 
 This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the 
 
 date to which renewed. 
 
 Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. 
 
 rf 
 
 2 1954, 
 
 LU 
 
 LD 21-100m-l,'54(1887sl6)476