THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES POPULAR BOOKS BY BRICK t BESOT. . n. NON5K5SK. m. SATURDAY KIOHTS. TT. OOLD-DU8T. V. BBICK DUST. VI. HOME HARMONIES. f - H rerutility of genins exhibited by this anthor has won him a world-wide reputation as a facetious and a staroog writer. One moment replete with the moat touching pathos, and the next foil of fun, frolic, and sarcasm." AI fabliahed uniform with this volume, at $1.60, and Bent by I free qf postage, on receipt of price, BT 0. W. CARI ETON k CO., Ww Yrk. NONSENSE, OB Hits and Criticisms on the Follies of the Day BY NEW YORK: Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square. LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO. M DCC.C LXXXV. Entered according to Act of Congress, In the year 1868, by G. W. CAKLETON & CO., IB the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for UM Southern District of New York. TROW'S PRINTING AND BOOKBINDING Co., 205-313 East I2/A St., NEW YORK. I debication, READER! THIS VOLUME is DEDICATED TO YOU. It IT RAISES A SMILE, DRIVES CARE FROil YOUR HEART EVEN TOM AX HOUR, Am) MAKES YOU BETTER NATURED, / am content. V fOU CAN WHITE A WORSE BOOK, DON'T DO III II 1 YOU OAS ffltl'U A. BETTER ONE, DO IT QUICKLY FOB THE EDIFICATION OF "BBIOK" POMEBOT, 154245O CONTENTS. OBAFTIB I. Onr First Exercise in Skating 11 IL Science of Kissing IT IIL Mosquitoes on a Bender .. 81 IV. My Milkmaid Miranda 29 V. My Experience at a New England Sewing-Circle ! 88 VI. Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship 48 VII. Pickerel-Fishing iu Connecticut 56 VIII. B-o-s-t-o-n-! 63 IX. How I lost Aurelia 71 X. The Dog-Gondest Dog '. 84 XL Peter Oleum struck by " Brick." 94 XII. Teutonic Anguish 104 XIII. " Brick " and the Deacon's Hexa 109 XIV. Cure for a Cold 122 XV." Brick " Pomeroy sends the President his Ann-Alice 123 XVI. "Brick" and Kalista 188 XVIL " Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arlon 147 XVIII. " Brick " Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls 155 XIX.' 4 Brick " Pomeroy Skateth at the Central Park 163 XX. Boston Betsey's " Brick," or " Brick's " Betsey 176 XXL How to Buy Oil Lands 187 XXII. A Chicken Suit 205 XXIIL As a Pic-Nic-ist 309 XXIV. "Brick "and the School-Manns! 219 XXV. Wisconsin School-Marm Convention 283 XXVI. The Fun of Sleighing 245 XXVII. Slobbering Parties for the Heathen ! 854 KXVIIL Wonderful Hair Reproducer 262 XXIX.-The Dlckena 866 AUTHOR'S PREFACE, IN the first place I did not write this Book. It was printed. And the reason I wrote it was simply this : In 1817 my father owned a large peach-orchard in New Jersey. At the same time he owned a yoke of oxen, and a large covered wagon. The wagon was covered by a shed. A simple shed of excellent habit, inasmuch as it covered the wagon. At this time my uncle lived in Canada, adjoining the town nearest the one he resided in. He owned a span of horses and a garden. It was a covered garden, covered by weeds. There was not then, and it is safe to presume there is not now any other .resemblance between the wagon of my father and the garden of my uncle, than the fact that each was covered. Why this was so I never knew, as the nurse left the day beforehand, so I determined to adopt the wisest course, thinking it would be the best. The result was all I wished, and more. In 1821, the physician moved away, and left the place. My father determined to bind me out as an apprentice to a fine old gentleman whose daughter was in love with a young man who lived with his father down the river which in the spring-time was so swollen by the rains that it was important not to cross it except in a skiff tied to a buttonwood tree by a chain which cost five dollars at the hardware store on the corner of the street in the village where each Sabbath morning the minister told his many congregation which would have been larger had it not been for the habit so many people had of staying away from all places of good instruction without which not a single per-^ son in the village would have been fafe for a moment from the members of a band of desperadoes whose retreat was in the bowels of a huge mountain, on whose healthy tides 1* 10 Author's Preface. the birds sang all the day long as if to remind the wearj passer-by that in all well-regulated families there exists a cause for the effect be it great like the late war which was a fearful struggle on both sides for the original position held by the covered wagon of my father. . Who can wonder at the infatuation of the youth when he saw his own true love in the power of the Indian whose scalping-knife hung suspended from a tree over the grave where a small picket fence had been erected by a boy who saw the fire burst forth devouring in an hour the fruit of a lifetime of toil which unrewarded leaves no recompense to strengthen the soul of man as he wars with evils that beset the path which led to the trysting-tree which had by this time been cut down to make room for a large hotel where the sound of revelry by night was heard booming over the still waters of the lake as the moon shone down upon the sailor-boy stood on a burning deck 1 At this moment the breeching gave way and the horse plunged over the precipice, which at this point ran nearly a thousand cubic feet into the cave where the serpent had taken refuge from the coming storm which threatened to burst forth and destroy the entire plan of the temple on which if the workmen had been employed to save the child ere it struck, the bottom of the well down which the bucket descended bringing up the purest ice-water rival ling the alabaster neck of the wounded sufferer whose death happened to plunge the entire city in mourning. The reader will see at a glance that from this moment, none of us were to blame as the events mentioned will prove. P.S. If this preface does not suit, the resignation of the reader will be accepted whenever he visits the sanctum of the author where the following pages were written merely for that " Little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men." Humorously thine, "BRICK" POMEROT. SANCTUM : IM C'ro<, Wit., 1S67. NONSENSE. CHAPTER I. OUR FIRST EXERCISE IN SKATINO. JGHT beneath one of our windows, from morn till midnight, we see youngsters and oldsters twisting their legs into all conceivable shapes, skating up and down the river merry as lambs. "We cannot pick up a paper but an article on " skating " meets the eye. Everybody says it's fun, and that's all everybody knows about it, for we've tried it Last night, about gas-light -time, after reading 12 Our First Exercise in Skating. a glowing description of life on skates, we pro pared for our first attempt, and sallied forth to join the merry crowd. We had on a pair of stoga boots, trousers-legs tucked inside, a Robert-tailed coat, and white hat. "We \vent down on the ice, and gave a boy two shillings in good coin of the realm for the use of his im plements. We have confidence, even as great as Peter's faith. We, with the assistance of a friend, fixed on the skates and stood erect like a barber's pole. Encouraged by the sight of some ladies on the bridge, who were just then looking at the skaters, we struck out. A slant to the right with the right foot, a slant to the left with the left foot, and just then we saw something on the ice and stooped over to pick it up! On our feet again two slants to the right and one to the left, accompanied with a loss of confidence. Another stride with the right foot, and we sat down with fearful rapidity, and very little if any elegance ! What a set-down it was, for we made a dent Our First Exercise in Skating. 13 in the ice not unlike a Connecticut butter- bowl. Jnst then one of the ladies remarked, " Oh, look, Mary, that feller with the white hat ain't got his skates on the right place ! " Ditto, thought we. Just then a ragged little devil sang out, as he glided past us : " Hallo, old timber legs ! " and we arose suddenly and put after him, and away went our legs one to the east and tho other to the west causing an immense fissure in our pants and another picture of a butter-tray in the cold oh, how cold! ice! Then the lady again spoke, and said, " Oh, look, Mary, that chap with the white hat has sat down on his handkerchief to keep from taking cold ! " "Wo rose about as gracefully as a saw-horse, when Mary said, " Guess 'taint a handkerchief, Jane," and Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief not a bit of it. Just then a friend came along and proffered us his coat-tail as a "steadier." We accepted the continuation of his garment, 14 Our First JExercise in Skating. and up the river we went, about ten rods, when a shy to the right by the leader, caused us, the wheel-horse, to scoot off on a tangent, heels up ! But the ice is very cold this season! "We tried it again. A glide one way, a glide and a half the other, when whack came our bump of philoprogenitiveness on the ice, and we saw millions of stars dancing around us, like ballet girls at the Bowery Theatre. How that shock went through our system, and up and down our spinal column ! Lightning couldn't have cork screwed it down a greased sapling with greater speed or more exhilarating effect. Boarding- house butter nor warranty deed could have struck any stronger than we did and a dozen ladies looking at us and our fissured pants ! " Hallo, old cock ! " sang out that ragged imp again, and we there helpless. Soon we got up and made another trial with better success. Per il aps we had skated, in our peculiar style, fifteen feet, when a blundering chap came up behind, Our First Exercise m Skatvtig. 15 and we sat down, with our tired head pillowed in his lap, and he swearing at us, when it was al. his fault! How cold the ice was there, tool Every spot where we made our debut on the ice, oh, how cold it was ! Our nice bear-skin was no protection at all. We tried again, for the papers all say it's fun, and down came our Roman- Grecian nose on the cold julep material, and the little drops of crimson ran down our shirt-bosom, and on to the cold ice! Once more we tried skating made for the shore eat down and counted damages. Two shillings in cash thrown away ; seven lateral and one " fronternal " bumps on the ice ; one immense fissure in as handsome a pair of ten-dollar cassi- meres as a man ever put his legs in ; one rupture ai the knee, extending to the bone ; four button* from our vest ; a fragmented watch-crystal, and a back-ache big enough to divide among the chil dren of Israel ! If you catch us on the smooth, glassy, chilliDg, freezing, treacherous, deceitful, 16 Owr First Exercise in Skating. slippery, and slip-uppery ice again, you'll kntw it ! If any one ever hears of our skating again, they will please draw on ns at sight for the bi valves and accompanying documents. We have got through. It's a humbug ! It's a vexation of spirit, of business, of flesh, and tearer of trousers ! It's a head-bumping, back-aching, leg-wearying institution, and we warn people against skating. We tried it, and shan't be able to walk for a month. Skating clubs are humbugs, and the only reason why the rascally youngsters wish to get the ladies at it, is that they may see if they, too, don't say " the ice is dreadfully cold ! " It's nothing to us, it's nothing to us; bat the ladies will do as well to let skates alone, unless they are younger and more elastic than are we ! Oh, how cold the ice is we can feel it yet I CHAPTER II. SCIENCE OF KISSING. kiss, yet not one in a hundred knows how to extract bliss from lovely lips, no more than they know how to make diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy at least for us ! This little item is not alone for young beginners, but for the many who go at kissing like hunting coons or shelling corn. First, know who you are to kiss. Don't make a mistake, although a miss take may be good. Don't jump up like a trout for a fly, and smack a woman on the neck, the ear, one corner of her forehead, the end of the nose, or slop over on her 18 Science of Kissing. waterfall or bonnet-ribbon, in your haste to get through. When God made the world He went slow, and at last pronounced it "very good." Ditto kissing. And morning and night were the first day! It is simple, yet excellent. The gent should be a little the tallest. He should have a clean face, a kind eye, a mouth full of ex pression, instead of tobacco. Don't kiss all over ao grasshoppers walk. Don't kiss everybody, including nasty little dogs, male or female. Don't sit down to it. Stand up. You need not be anxious to get in a crowd. Two persons are plenty to corner and catch a kiss ! More persons spoil the sport ! Stand firm. It won't hurt after you are used to it ! Take the left hand of the lady in your right hand. Let your hat go to any place out of the way! Throw the left hand gently over the shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down upon her right side, toward the belt. Don't be Science of Kissing. 1$ in a hurry I Draw her gently, lovingly, to youi heart. Her head will fall lightly upon yom shoulder and a handsome shoulder-strap it makes ! Don't be in a hurry ! Send a little life down your left arm, and let it know its business. Her left hand is in your right. Let there be expression to your grasp not like the grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electri city, thought, and respect. Don't be in a hurry ! Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder i You are nearly heart to heart ! Look down into her half-closed eyes 1 Gently yet manfully press her to your bosom I Stand firm, and Providence will give you strength for the ordeal ! Be brave, but don't be in a hurry ! Her lips almost open! Lean lightly forward with your head not the body. Take good aim the lips meet the eyes close the heart opens the soul rides the storms, troubles, and sorrows of life (don't be in a hurry) heaven opens before you the world shoots from under your feet as 20 Science of Kissing. a meteor flashes athwart the evening sky (don't be afraid) the nerves dance before the just- erected altar of love as zephyrs dance with the dew-trimmed flowers the heart forgets its bit terness, and the art of kissing is learned ! No noise no fuss no fluttering and squirming, like hook-impaled worm. Kissing don't hurt does not require a brass band to make it legal. Don't jab down on a beautiful mouth as if spearing for frogs ! Don't grab and yank the lady, as if she was a strug gling colt ! Don't muss her hair scrunch down her collar bite her cheeks squizzle her rich ribbons, and leave her mussed, rumpled, and mum-muxedl Don't flavor your kisses with onions, tobacco, gin cocktails, lager-beer, brandy, etc., for a maudlin kiss is worse than to a delicate, loving, sensitive woman. Try the above recipe, and, if you do not succeed, for further particulars call on, or write to " BEICK " POMEEOT, CHAPTER HI. MOSQUITOES ON A BENDER. [GHT before last, in order to sleep, we placed a piece of raw beefsteak on a plate at the head of our bed. In the morning it was by the mosquitoes sucked as dry of blood as an old sponge, and our skin saved at least two thousand perforations. All about the room, in the morning, were mosquitoes, plethoric with blood, loaded till they could not fly. We killed a few, but the job was too sanguinary, so we left them to their feast. Last night, in order to get even with the sere nading devils, we steeped half a pound of fresh 22 Mosguvtoes on a Bender. beefsteak in some old rye whiskey, and left it on a plate by the bed. Nothing like being hospita bly inclined. In ten minutes after the light wag extinguished, a swarm of these backbiting bill posters made an advance movement. One of them caressed us sweetly on the nose he sent in his bill there was a slap a diluted damn a dead mosquito ! Soon we heard a tremendous buzzing about the whiskey-soaked beef. The en tire mosquito family came singing in, and such an opera good Lord deliver us ! But they did not disturb us with bites. "We fell asleep, to be awakened in ten minutes by the worst mosquito- concert ever editor, mortal, devil, angel, divine, Dutchman, or any other man listened to. We raised a light, and the greatest show of the season was there to be seen. Every mosquito was drunk as a blind fiddler, and such an uproar ious night as the long-billed whelps had, never was seen before this side of selah ! The worst antics ! Some were playing circus on the plate Mosquitots on a Bend&r. 23 One big fellow, with a belly like Falstaff, full of blood and whiskey, was dancing juba on the Bible, while a fat friend of his lay on her back beating the devil's dream on an invisible tambou rine, with one hind leg ! Two more were wrest ling on the foot-board of the bedstead, each with his bill stuck fast in the timber. Another watt tying the legs of our pants into a bow-knot to fasten about the neck of Anna Dickinson whose picture hangs against the washstand while another red-stomached customer was trying to stand on his head in the wash-bowl. All over the room were drunken mosquitoes ! One long-billed, gaunt representative, was trying to ram the mucilage bottle full of newspaper clippings. Another chap was drilling a hole through a revolver handle, and singing " My Mary Ann;" while still another was limping across the window-sill in search of fresh air, to the agonizing tune of " Tramp, tramp, tramp ! " One little rat of a skeet was trying to jam the 24 Mosquitoes on a Bender. cock out of Ben. Butler's eye with a tooth-brush, as his picture hung in the room beside that of Kidd, the pirate. A drunken statesman of the mosquito family was talking Russian to a lot of drunken companions, as they lay in a heap on the plate, while another one sat in the handle of our bowie-knife, doubled up with cramp in the Btomach, and trying to untie his tail with his bill, which seemed like Lincoln's backbone when .Anna Dickinson said it wanted stiffening. He was a sick-looking skeeter, and died in three minutes after we saw him, her, or it, as the case may be. Two others took a bath in the ink stand. One, with a bill like the devil's narrative, was trying to wind our watch with a pen-wiper ; while another died as he was sitting on the rim of a dish in the room, trying to chaunt " Mother, I've come home to die ! " Poor skeeter. A nice Bkeeter, but " 'twas a pity he drank." An old veteran, with a paunch full of 'alf and 'alf blood and whiskey sat on the table, reading Lea Mosquitoes on a Bender. 25 Miserables, while his wife was under the stove trying to mend her broken wing with a limpsey toothpick. She looked disgusted ! Another one combed his hair with a paper of pins, tied a piece of white paper about his neck, pasted a five-cent infernal revenue stamp on his rump or words to that effect and died like a " loyal " citizen. His last words were " Tell the traitors all around you," etc., etc. Another drunken scamp started out of the window for John B. Gongh, or a stomach- pump. A worse behaved set of bummers we never saw. They acted fearfully. About two thousand lay around dead, but sadness seemed not to break in upon their hilarious rioting upon blood and whiskey. Half-a-dozen of them sat on our new hat playing draw-poker, using worm lozenges for checks, while one of the party got clean busted by making a fifty- dollar blind good on a four-flush, which didn't 2 26 Mosquitoes on a Bender. fill! He will be apt to wear cotton socks next winter, and keep away from church collection days. Another one sat on top of a brandy bot tle, reading " Baxter's Call to the Unconverted," while his partner lay dead at .his feet, evidently forced to close doors by the failure of Ketchum & Son, of New York ! Six others were trying to hang one that looked like a Copperhead, to the corner of a match-safe; but as they were drunk and he sober, it was not- safe to bet on his being dangled. They ate the beef, drank the .blood and whiskey, drilled the plate full of holes, and on the centre-table organized a Son of Malta lodge, using a five-cent shin-plaster for blanket in the act entitled " The Elevation of Man." Another red-bellied leader of the Miss Keeter family had a battalion of drunken bummers on the edge of a spittoon watching him jam a fur vercoat into his left ear. He acted foolish foolish enough for a brigadier-general or member Mosquitoes on a Bender. 27 of congress. A little cuss with black legs crini- Bon stomach, and double-jointed bill, was vomiting in a satin slipper, while his wife, a sickly-looking lady of her tribe, was gnawing at the bed-post, thinking it a bologna. Another one, evidently an old maid, sat under the sofa milking the cat, while her sister was crowding a pair of woollen drawers into her waterfall, singing in a subdued strain " Come rest in this bosom 1 " "We have applied for a season ticket front seat. Another one, with a certificate of marriage jver his head in the shape of a welt the size of a candle-mould, was dancing a fandango with two mosquito virgins on a watch-crystal, while a deacon in one of their churches sat playing old sledge with a corkscrew, to see which should go for a gin cocktail. An artistic delegate was standing on his head in a champagne tumbler, 28 Mosquitoes on d Sender. one hind leg run through his under jaw, while with the other he was pointing out the road to Richmond to a lot of skeets still drnnker than himself, who were sitting dog-fashion on the pillow. We should say it was a gay party quitely BO ! Talk about shows, concerts, dog-fights, amputa tions, circuses, negro funerals, draw-poker, spark ing, or other amusements, there is nothing to bo compared to a flock of mosquitoes on a bender. If you don't believe it, fix them up with a piece of beefsteak soaked in whiskey, and laugh your Bides sore at the antics the drunken warblers cut CHAPTER IY. Mr MILKMAID MIRANDA. LOYED a milkmaid, Miranda by cog nomen, and she was the quickest inilkist that ever squatted garter-holders under the dripping eaves of a patient bovine on a day of rain, and sich. She was handsome. Her mother was a handsome cuss, and her father was a blessing in disguise, with mien like an angel and hair colored like a New Jersey barn. Miranda lived in New England. Her paternal pap engineered a country store, kept blooded geese, sold potatoes by the pound, kept cheese SO My Milkmaid Miranda. nnds for rat-trap bait, blackened pins and Eold them for fish-hooks, furnished steam for a Puri tan prayer-meeting, cultivated a duck pond, and taught his nose to blush on apple brandy. He'd take the screws out of his mother's coffin and sell them for money to put on the church contribu tion-plate, and he never missed attending com munion in order to get a free lunch at the ex pense of never mind who ! But Miranda wan't like him. She milked the cows and strained the milk. I used to help her. We were both boys that is, I was a boy, then. I was green, but pure. Ditto Miran. She was tall. She was long for this world. She was fat as a toothpick. She had a neck like a bottle of Worcester sauce. She was slim as the salary of a country minister, or the wardrobe of a country editor washing-day. And didn't I sling love into her lap ? Tou bet ! And didn't she sling milk into her little twelve-quart tin pail, while I used to stand and hold the drooping backbone con- My Milkmaid Mira/nda. 31 tinuation of that bovine cow, lest it soil the tinted cheek of my milkmaid, Miranda ? "We loved. How could we help it? He! mother was opposed to the match. She thought Miranda wan't good enough for me. I had tho poverty. It struck in before I struck out. Be ing poor, I was good; hence the objection. So we courted syruptastingly, and met in the barn yard the usual way through the back gate. Every night I veni'd and vidi'd. Her mother nsed to catch us at it. She enticed Miranda into bedrooms, cellars, pantries, and closets, and there confined her before her time came for going out to milk. But wo often circumvented the aged matron. "We changed clothes with the hired man, and went in on our nerve. Miranda loved. " Brick " loved. But we had hard times of it. Affection gurgles as it runs. Our affection ran not emoothly. The darned thing won't run smooth Sclah ! 32 My Milkmaid Miranda. We used to wander after beech-nuts, anJ the old lady was there. We sallied forth to gathei shells of ocean as we called hen's eggs in the hay-mow, and behold ! the old lady was there. We went forth hand in hand, like the ghost of John Brown and that other man, in search of a love-lit bower, and behold! there appeared the aged who first knew Miranda, and bade us return. She was an agile mother. We sat under the window to compare our tales of love, and Mi randa's mother inflicted shower-baths upon us the while. We attended funerals in order to have fun, but behold she was there, and our fun came not to pass. At times I rode the family horse by the window at stated periods when Mi randa was to be there, and the voice of my milk maid's maternal was always saying, "Let's see how fast you dare ride ! " She locked up the barn-door to keep us from entering therein. She locked up the parlor to keep us from courting there. She stuck sticks over the kitchen door My Milkmaid Miranda. 33 latch to keep us out of that apartment She locked Miranda up in a cellar to keep us from descending into that damp place. I said in my puny wrath, "Dog-gone that ancient female!" I had but one hand to love Miranda with the other was needed to battle the second volume of Miranda's authorship with. My love sank. It lowered. It prostrated. I went to Canada. I remained in the embrace of the Queen, as 'twere. Af ter a time the old lady, at the close of a de- . lightf ul trip of nine weeks' duration, arrived at the grave-yard, thanks to a doctor, whose doc- torin I ever recommended in such cases. The lit tle posy-rosy, the hollyhock, and the asparagus bloomed over the maternal derivative of my milk maid, and made me happy. I shouted in unison with merry roosters and the vernal chickens, and sought her I loved. Twelve years had gone and done it. But Miranda stuck it out. No one could look upon the face of her ma, and survive. I was the exception. Miranda's father had 2* 34 J/j Milkmaid Miranda. passed in his checks. He grew tired of life, and after a fit of family happiness took the poison the rats refused, and went joyfully from the arms of Miranda's maternal mother to death, and its re sults, as 'twere. Miranda had the things she inherited, such as geese, the little store, the cheese rinds, the war bling ducks, and all sich of the estate, and threw open the shutters of her heart. I popped in. The front room thereof was vacant. I slung in my traps, crawled in at the window, took pos session, sang a song of joy, kissed my milkmaid on her dinner-catcher, sold my disappointment for a yellow necktie, and became an altered man, full of joy where sorrow had so lately nestled. "We courted. "We wedlocked. "We Bold the old homestead. "We went to B 0-s-thn (with the "thn" up your nose), and went in for sty] el There was a party. Miranda fixed up for it. Miranda was flush from the proceeds of the My MilkmdM Miranda. 35 homestead. She bought a cow's worth of frizzled hair, a sheep's worth of lace for her garters, a hog's worth of night blushing seriousness, and the earnings of the geese, bees, chickens and ducks her father had for years, and went to the ball. But she was gay ! Hardly knew her. She looked large. Such a bust ! Such colors ! Such teeth I Such hair ! Such complexion ! Such palpitatorsl Such poached front hair, and such scrambled back hair ! She was raised in Weathersfield, New England, and was weaned on onions. I knew her by her gentle breath. But for this I would have lost her. We wore out the party. All fashionable people etay to extinguish the lamps. Style. "We went home. There was a cry of fire. Our house was in flames. Miranda had gone to her retirary while I was writing a description of the party. I heard the alarm. I rushed into our bedroom. I found something slim and docile in the bed! 1 thought it was the bolster got the wrong way. 36 My Milkmaid Miranda. I wanted to act in fireman style, so thruvi Aiirroi out of the window to let the crowd down-stairs know all was safe above ; then ran down with bolster in my arms. This long slim bolster was Miranda, my milkmaid ! She had decreased. Affected by fear. I sat her down under the par lor window, in a rose-bush, that the crowd might not see "the charms her downcast modesty," etc., failed to conceal. Then I ran back to get her things-, spread in five chairs at the foot of the bed and lying in circles on the floor. I got them. Nine arrnsful when I had them all. The house was in ruins, and Miranda was burned to death. I felt bad ! Who could help it ? Pardon my weakness, but I wept. Yet I was consoled. Though gone, she was with me still. I had all that made her love ly. I had her curls, her frizzle, her rats, her waterfall! I had her spiral palpitators, her bird's-nest, her veals ! I had a set of teeth, a eteel compress for the ankles! I have set at My Milkmaid Miranda. 37 things in their order. I have them hung on wires. I shall pour a little melted girl (easy to be had this hot weather) into the fixings, and have an udder Miranda. How lucky to save o much of her! Ever of theely, " POMEKOT. CHAPTER Y. MY EXPERIENCE AT A NEW ENGLAND SEWING- CIRCLE ! " The Christian ladies of this congregation are invited to meet, Thursday evening, at the residence of Mrs. Sniv eller, to form a Sewing-Society. A full attendance is requested." JS* I UCH, my dear hearers, reads a notice I find on my sacred desk this morning, and I read it in hopes you will profit thereby. We will now sing Psalm cxxxi., first twc stanzas. A lH&w England Sew ing- Circle. 3D My heart not haughty is, Lord, Mine eyes not loftly be ; Nor do I deal in matters great, Or things too high for me ! I surely have myself behav'd With spirit great and mild As child of mother weaned ; my sciul Is like a weaned child. All sing! Says I, " Bully." Not in a bully spirit, but with a sort of Puritanical meaning, and con cluded to go. Mrs. Sniveller Mrs. Deacon Sniveller lived in a large white house, in a stone-patch under the hill, down by her hus band's button shop. Mrs. Sniveller was a leading horse, so-called, in the team of benevo lence at Buttonville. She had a little peaked red nose, about right to open clams with; a nervous jerk to her head, spiral enticers, and a waterfall the size of a plum-pudding, but filled with more ingredients. Deacon Sniveller passed 40 A New England Sewing- Ciide. the plate Sabbaths, and took the fund? home to count. Mrs. Sniveller always gave with great liberality on the next Sunday ! I wanted to go. I borrowed hoops, skirts, waterfalls, and etceteras. I puffed my front- hair, slung my waterfall on my bump of obsti nacy, hoisted an onion into the reticule I car ried on the left arm, shouldered a green cotton umbrella, took a piece of red flannel to make a shirt for some little innocent bud on the tree of Abolitionism, and sallied forth, as the Yankee clock struck two. Mrs. Sniveller was in. The front parlor and the middle parlor was full of noble women, while the best bedroom was full of bonnets, green um brellas, and reticules, in which to carry home eweetcakes, tarts, biscuit, plum pits, apple cores, and such little things slyly slipped from Mrs. Sniveller's table. Mrs. Sniveller didn't Imow me. T told her T was little Sally Squiggle, as what lived thore A New England Sewing- Circle. 4J ten years before, and had been South teachin* skule ! " Lordy massy, so it is ! Why, how natural you do look, now it all comes to me agin I Bless me ! let me kiss my dear Sally, who hae escaped from the wretches ! " And angelic Mrs. Sniveller came near putting my right eye hora de combat with the end of her nose ! I was introduced. Nineteen women were glad to see me, and kissed their dear little Sally till my waterfall got skewed clear around under my left ear, and I began to feel a rising sensation in my throat from the hugging then and there given or words to that effect. After I had been so affectionately gone through, I went into the bedroom to reconstruct 1 Gracious ! My waterfall had got under my left ear, making me look as if some ugly man of sin had lifted me one with brass knuckles, and forgot to take it home with him, while my beautiful front hair resembled a garden full of pea- vines 2 A JVew England Sewing- Circle. after a hurricane. But I retained my composure, and went out to become the centre of attraction. " My dear Sally ! " " Precious Sally!" " Little Sally Squiggle, sure enough ! " " So glad you cum hum ! " " Neow dew tell us all abeout it ! " Mrs. Sniveller was made chairman, and the following resolutions were adopted : " Resolved, That this shall be called the But- tonville Benevolent Baby Association. " Resolved, That Mrs. Sniveller be, and hereby are, our President. " Resolved, That our aim is to help the down trodden and bedridden daughters of Ham, now in the clutches of that vile people, and to this end every member of the B. B. B. make one little flannel shirt a week, and Sally Squiggle shall tell us the size. " Resolved, That we open and close our Society dth prayer. A New England Seining- Circle. 43 " Resolved, That each one of the members in- rite some man to go home with her at night." (Here I was about to object for fear of exposure, but for fear of exposure I didn't object. Sally.} After the Society was organized, I was kept so busy answering questions that I came near not finishing the baby envelope I was working on, and should not, had I not took long stitches, aa people do in benevolent sewing ! Mrs. Sniveller said: "Now, Sally, ain't that ere Southern people the hatefullest proud people the world ever did see ? Cousin John, who went down as a sutler, brought home two trunks of the proudest silks, laces, jewelry that was real gold, and set with purty stones that was real diamonds, and worth a power of money. He found them in bureaus, trunks, closets, and sich places. The sneaking, coward-men, had gone off to kill our good peo ple, and the women were at work in the hos l>itals, and all Tohn had to do was to whip a lot 44 A New H/ngland Sewing- Circle. of little children and help himself! I knew them ere folks are a wicked, mean, ongrateful set, and ought to be killed." Mrs. Puritan wanted to know if it was true that the people of the South actually cooked * biled dinners on Sunday? If they did, she really hoped her cousin in Congress would pass a law that whenever a man in the South cooked a biled dinner on Sunday, he should be hung before dinner, and his biled dinner should be sent North ! Mrs. Pinchbeck hoped the war would continner to go on till there was no more end of nothing. For her part, it was all stuff about the people suf fering during the war. Her Josiah had a con tract, and made two hundred thousand dollars the first year ; and when her brother, Rev. Peak- nose Ranter, came back from the war where he had periled his precious life eating preserves so they would not hurt sick soldier she brought home more than fifty gold watches, and the nices* A New Engla/nd Sewing- \Jircle. 45 gold-clasp Bible, which was now used emy Sun daj in one of the Buttonville churches. Mrs. Squeak said the people of the South were nothing but murderers; for when her brother, Colonel Fibre Hunter, was out in a field, doin' nothin', killin' nobody, doin' nothin' but just seein' how -much cotton an army team could draw, so he could tell if it was a good team, some cowardly gorilla shot a hole cleafti through him, and wouldn't even send his clothes home for her Jedediah to wear out ! And she hoped if an other war ever did come, some of them sinful men of the West would go down and do it to 'em agin ; not that she cared so much for her brother, but she wanted them are clothes for her Jedediah ! Mrs. Cockeye said she hoped there would be a hull paasel of wars ; for her cousin, her dear good cousin, Benjamin (the Beast), had made lots of money in the late war, and had supplied nearly all her relatives with spoons, watches, silver ware, etc. ; and said it was right the war should 6 A New England Sewing-Circle. go on, for her consin was safer in war than befoie a court of justice, even ; and said it was a Chris tian duty to let all Christian ware be continnered so long as there was anybody to continner 'em. Mrs. Sniveller here spoke again : "Well, I don't care, nohow. The South should be fought ! What right had they to have cotton picked by niggers without asking our con sent ? And they were rich. And they had nice things. And we believe a nigger baby is of more account than a white pauper in the North. And my husband, Deacon Sniveller, wants more bones to make buttons of; he'll sell the buttons to the South and West, and they will have to pay us New England Christians for the privilege of wearing out their own bones." By this time tea was ready. We had a good tea. Such curious silver- ware old-style, pure silver didn't taste brassy a bit, and all of ua ladies tasted all the silver dishes to see ! And such a lot of spoons ! Each one of us had al A New England Sewing- Circle. 47 our plate a spoon with our initials on. Mr 3 ., Sniveller had a barrel of silver spoons, and hunted them over till she found our regular initials in regular order ! Oh, it was so nice ! And we piled all the shirts up in a chair, and put a Bible, rescued from the wicked South, on the top of the pile, and then Rev. Mr. Slammer came in and made a prayer, while Mrs. Drawler, on a nice rosewood piano, played that patriotic piece of music " John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave I John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave! John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave ! Glory, Glory, Hallelujah I " After which the Button ville B. B. Society of Button ville, Commonwealth of Massachusetts, adjourned till next Thursday, when I am goinp again, if they don't find out that Sally Squig gles u That horrid " BRICK " POMEROY, CHAPTER YL BlLtJRIA BlJLKINS AND OUB COURTSHIP. \r iLURIA was a husky Seraphim, de scended all O. K. from ancient Bui- kins, who used to sit on a mackerel tub in Deacon Whezeener's grocery, with his legs crossed, and tell what a powerful delegate he was when he was a young man. He was the man. He was the individual as what had the sylph I sparked. Biluria was his dart. And a nice darter she were. She had a mother a nice lump of lean, who wore a peaked nose, a pair of black stockings, knit springy at the top to cave gjirterg, and for twenty-five years went about tho Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship. 4-9 house before going to bed, clad like an angel, with a fire-shovel in one hand and a tallow-dip in the other, looking to see as how as if that ere dod-demed cat had concluded to stay in or to go out. I don't like cats, except in fiddle-strings. Mrs. Bulkins was a vehement catist she always had more cats than doughnuts in the house. Biluria didn't hanker after cats, but then could endure them. There was one cat Mr. T. Cat. He was a handsome and a feline rascal. lie devastated milk-pans, and created funerals iu hen-coop* About young chicken time, and made a telescope of his tail every moonlight night on the roof of the woodshed, accompanied by more cat and much yell. He was the only feline Biluria could endure. Gushing Biluria ! She used to sit up nights when I went to spark hei, with that blessed c-a-t in her lap, right where my head' ought to be, and pull its little slender whiskers. Said I : " Biluria, do so by me ! " Said Biluria : " Oh, your wiskers ain't big enough 3 50 JSiluria Bulkins and our Courtship. to pull, yet." Then we'd eat a doughnut, and drink some cider, and look in the fire. Then I'd listen to the snoring of the two Bulkinsea in the setting-room bedroom, and Biluria would sit and play with the cat's tail. Said I : " Bil uria, do so ! " No, I didn't say so, neither ; I just said : " Biluria, if you don't diminish those cat on them floor, I'll occupy thein lips for a kiss ! " And down always went the cat, and I occupied Biluria, so to speak, and kissing was thus enjoyed. "Twasnicef" It weakens me now to think of it. To turn one of Biluria's kisses over in the store-room of .memory is no fool of a job. Biluria had red lips, and the sweetest ever investigated. I used to investigate them. I was the committee to do that are. My arms were my credentials. I used to hold out my credentials. Skirmish to the front, throw out my pickets, rally to the breastworks of affec tion, tie my credentials about Biluria's bread basket, and go in radically for a lexer's kiss. Biluria Bulkms and OUT Coi ftship. 51 Oh ! I guess not ! Biluria was the sweetest kisser in the world, except when she'd been eating onions. She was a "Wethersfield girl a Connecticut child of sorrow and oft did fill her pancake-trap with onions. At those times the nectar of love was a little strong too strong to gush much. But at other times 'twas no use talking. Why, one of her kisses would last me a week, if I couldn't get more ! They used to gush out all over, run down my shirt bosom into my vest pocket, and solidify like candy. I used to bite them off, there, as from little sticks of candy. I could not always be with Biluria. I had the wood to cut, the cows to fodder, the sheep to corn, the hens to roost, the swine to feast, the steers to chase away from the wheat-stack, and ae apples to sort, and this kept me from Biluria. But while I was hence from her, she made up kisses, ripened them on her lips, and left them hanging thei'e for me to pluck. And you 52 JBiluna Bulking a/nd our Courtship. bet I was a lively plucklst on those occa sions. One time old Bulkins was took. He was a deacon. He made prayers at night over two hours, long, and he wan't a stuttering man, either ! I was there. Biluria was there. The old lady Bulkins was there, asleep. Biluria took hold of my hand with her hand, and we went to sleep. "We thus reposed nigh onto two hours. At last Bulkins terminated ! He had consoled the old lady to slumber, and reposed Biluria and I. He was thunder-struck quitely when he came to. He was naturally a jokist, so from a warm room he entered into the outer air for an icicle to gently touch the old lady and Biluria where my "love lies dreaming." The cold comfort he brought in wakened us, but in going out for it he caught cold. The next day he wheezed a little. I wanted to try heave medicine, but he wouldn't. I saw he was took, He saw ik We all felt bad, for the old Bulkini Bulkins and our Courtship. 53 was rich, and it is hard for the rich to die ! The old lady found comfort in a black bottle. She was a gin-nine spiritualist ! Biluria and I found consclation, too. She had lots of it enough for me, at all events ! The old man lingered. He was saving. He didn't want to die in the winter, for it was more expensive to open the earth, then. He was near sighted, but at last he saw something. He re marked but little. He said, perhaps we had bet ter wed. He was facetious, even in his agony. He said : " My two B.'s, if it must B so, let it B BO, though I don't see how it can be. Send for a minister, and a mature almanac." Bulkins left soon after. We marched forth with him in March. Mrs. Bulkins lingered and went also We inserted her by the side of the other Bul kins. One night I felt a little thick, and weiit to the buttery for the gin bottle! It was empty! Who wouldn't die when the bottle refused to respond? H Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship. " I would not live always, I would not if I could ; So I slung the empty bottle, And put another where it stood ! ' And thus I inherited Biluria, and the farm, and the stock, and the old wagons, and the fences, and the potato holes, and the trash in the barn, and the broad acres of Bulkins, the parient of Biluria. It's a good way to amass wealth. Better than working for it, and more nicer. And now you ought to see us. "We go to church every Sunday. "We have nigh onto twenty little Bilurias and " Bricks," and there is no good rea son why, in course of time, we may not have a family to rise up in the morning and quarrel about their shoes and stockings, till their blessed mother gives them all a warm spot to sit down on. "We hope, and more too. I am happy now. "We never read newspapers, for that would be a waste of money. "We just go along on the road of life, at a jig-jog gait, and nothing troubles us Bttwria Bulkvns wid our Courtship. 55 Pin a sort of easy delegate. Biluria is the only literary one in the family. She don't care much to read papers winter nights, bnt is death on old almanacs and such, and I am a happy "BRICK" POMEEOT. CHAPTER YIL PlCKEREL-FlSHING IN CONNECTICUT. !* CHRISTMAS and Sunday made a joint- I stock concern tliis year, and skirmished in together. "We saw them approach, and retired in good order, so as not to embarrass them during their "toilight" hours. Very con siderate, of course ! Christmas and Sunday went out together. "We fear for Sunday, as Christmas is a hilarious chap, in honor of whose birth all who have the stamps get high. Selah ! Buck and we took much second dinner with Holcomb, ye uproarious, whose residence, on the elevation, towers far above the other towers Pickerel-Fisliinq in Connecticut. 57 Then we advanced on two bodies of .the enemy, well entrenched. We advanced rapidly, and went home before Christmas and Sunday dis solved their joint-stock concern. And in the morning we awoke. Hair felt heavy. So young, and yet so fair! So light, and yet no lightning. Buck said pickerel-fishing would cure the hair. S'pose Buck knows. Who knows? Advanced out of bed in good order. Flanked a liberal breakfast. Struck ile on our boots. Boy skirmished on a hardware store, and re turned with much fish-lines and large majorities of pickerel-hooks. We took our pick. Went for mummy-chubs. Nice bait, those mummy-chubs. Fat little fellows from the salt sea foam, with much wiggle. Captured many of those at least seven hundred. Very moist out. Rain was on the fall muchly. Made for Factory Pond. Buck carried two field-pieces, loaded. We car ried mummy-chubs, (rot to pond. Nice pond, 8* 68 Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. with ice on its cold bosom. Nice rain, but a little too wet. Forgot the hooks. Sent boy two miles to the rear for hooks, which came np in good order. Cut numerous holes through the ice like perforating for petroleum. Married the hook to the wiggler mummy-chub, and drop ped a line to the pickerel. Sat down on the ice to wait for a bite. Patience is a good thing yery good thing. Saw Buck balancing a colum- hiad on his chin. "We skirmished down upon him in time to turn in for relief ! Thought it was " inducing " to the pickerel. Borrowed one of Buck's mduoerSj and fell back to original position. Very fine rain in Bridgeport. Lots of holes in the cerulean skimmer. Confound the pickerel. We induced them in vain. Weather quite perspiring. Buck gave up in despair. "We maintained, baited anew, and induced every four minutes. Yery fine fishing in Factory Pond. Rather too fine. How easy it rained upon the just as well as the unjust. It was a pickerel 01 Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. 5S two bottles of wine. So we kept inducing, but in vain. At last the glass columbiad ceased to chipper! How natural it is to mourn for de parted spirits. Selah ! Not another drop as the man said after he was hung. The rain fell through, but who cares ? The little fat wiggling mummy-chubs floated in the tin pail a pail full of triumphant glee of most of fish's character. But not a pickerel. Four long hours sitting on the cold dampness. It was worse nor sparking. Nary a bite, nary a pickerel ; but one sucker was taken in ! We returned in good order. Got home at four o'clock, hungry and dry considering the weather. Buck wanted the wine we had it Went to room. Felt chilly. Raw air is rasping on fine blood. Drew table beside hot coal stove. Drew chair up to table. Pulled a wooden thing hitched to a wire. Thought it was a fish-line ! Was fun, so we pulled again. Man came up Went down. Came again. Left a glass swan, 60 Pickerel- Fishing in Connecticut. with long neck but with good body. Hot \vatef and lumps of sugar. The house grew quiet. * * It grows quieter. The fluid evaporeth from the transparent prison. The bell-rope dances a jig mummy-chub at other end of it ! Very fine weather. Warm weather. Boots come off hard. Some fellow's head feels buzzy. Hair aches. The ink-stand ain't on the stand it won't stand still two consecutive seconds. Four holes in that ink-stand. The pen has split itself into two pens. The lines on this paper run to skirmish with each other. The lamp looks like a new moon. The stove danceth a jig to invisible music. Fine day for spirits. Big day for pickerel. Good pickerel no danger fishing for 'em they worft bite anybody! Honest pick- ereler! Wouldn't hook one for the world. Darned pen is sick. Tried to induce it to write. Used up all the rye cider inducing. Good pen fine holder, but can't hold-er steady. . Nice place to fish in is Factory Pond. Can fieh there al] Pickerel-fishing in Connecticut. 61 day, just as easy ! "We see lots of fish now. Se< eels in our boots. Nice eels, but very lively Nice boots, with eels on 'em. The eminent chanticleer who ruled this paper must have been cross-eyed, for hang us if the parallels run straight. One more enemy in those glass con cern. It concerns us. Spirited enemy. Come rest in this chest ! It resteth muchly. Hurrah for pickerel ! New England pickerel ! They must have been on a bust to-day. How small the bottles are since this cruel war is over, no Irish need apply. Wish those bell rope would waltz up this way. "Would go and yank it, but don't feel well. Then, we are no Yankee. Tried to reach it. Can't do it. Nice bell rope. Little too wild for steady use. Nice country for game, when rats run up a man's limbs, and eels crawl in his boots for the rest the rest, ze rest z'rest! Wonder of z'sem pickerelzes ever bite za'selves? Mus' be, for za won't bite us, an we induced z'sem with muchness. Three cheers fo* 62 Pickers-Fishing in Connecticut. fi fi any man any Dick-er-in-son or any othei man. " Darn z'at bell-rope it ain't in z'e right posi po pozizhun ! Connecticut fisherel pick' ing z'ra umburg an' z'o zot bell er' ope! CHAPTEE VIII. B-O-8-T-0-N-! BOSTON is the cradle of Lib ! The piace where Mr. Warren fell and hurt him self. The place where "Wendell Phil lips, the " silver-tongued " orator, doth abide. It is the " hub of the universe," and the dwelling- place of the big organ. Boston thinks she is the largest place in this world or the next. Boston is a very complacent burg. We rather like Bos ton, for there is no village like unto it, from the fiddling of Nero to the Kevelation of St. John, N. B.! Half way between Providence and Boston 64 B-o-s-t-o-n-! for Boston is a long ways from Providence as we were riding in a car, a still small voice, like the whistle of an engine, broke upon the air. A gentleman in the seat with us uncovered his bald head, and, with a smile, bade us listen ! " What's that ? " said we. " The big organ in Boston ! " said he, with a foneralic wave of his hand. " The devil ! " said we. "Thou shalt not profane!" said the spokes man from the hub. " Hast been to Boston ? " asked he of the silver tongue. " We hast notist," replied we, then there to him. He looked " poor heathen ! " He said we must visit the Cradle of Liberty. We asked him if Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson had engaged that cradle yet ? He didn't see it ! He Baid we must visit Faneuil Hall. We asked him what nigger troupe was performing there now I 65 He looked bewildered. Then lie said we must see where Warren fell. We asked him if War ren ever got over it the place where he fell. He appeared demoralized. He said we must hear the big organ before we left Boston. We went to hear the big organ. It is held in several buildings. It is one size larger than Boston. Boston is the hub around which the organ revolves. The organ is a revolver. Like the organ, this is a big play on words. People in New York and Buffalo hear the moan of the sea. The moan is the big or gan, It is used in mass ! It has a sort of long island sound ! Boston people go to Heaven through the big organ. That is, when the nigger is out, so they cannot go through him. 66 B-o-s-t-o^n-! There are but few gambling-houses in Boston No such felloes are around that hub. They don't play " straits " in Boston not ir, the streets. Harvard College is just beyond reach of the big organ. Cambridge University is always in session. It is a law school. The pleading is done at the bar of the Parker House. The studies at Cambridge are said to be very dry. They affect the pupils. Pleading at the bar affects them, likewise or more like than wise. No one ever gets lost in Boston. The city is BO well organ-ized.. Like the big organ, Boston has numerous stops ! Some of the streets are nearly as long as a fish-pole ; but not so long as a Johnson veto message. If a man don't like one street in Boston, it is easy to get on another one. After four days' trial we could go from the B-o-8-t-o-n-! 67 House to the City Hall without getting It et ! This is a fact. And in fire days we learned the route from Scollay's Building to Engine House "No. 4. The business blocks in Boston are in shape like Norwegian shoes ! The streets of Boston are like hop-poles struck by lightning. Some of them are so wide that a cow could be milked in them by turning her on her back, and sitting astride her brisket. Small horses are driven abreast large horses tandem in Boston. The fat woman was exhib ited there once in the big organ. Boston streets are not so crooked as they might be. The sun has warped them straight. Very clean in Boston. If a lady drops a pin from her clothes, policeman makes her pick it up. If a man shoots an apple seed out of a grocery, he is fined. Bos ton is very neat especially near the big organ and cradle oC liberty If a man drops a remark, he is mt>.d' "o pick it up. And Boston people 68 are so modest. They under-rate themsel r es ten ribly. The streets of Boston must have been thrown in at the time of some big fire they are so regular. If you would find any place, start in an opposite direction. If you see a policeman coming towards you, he is going the other way. If he runs from you he'll be where you are in no time. Up hill is down, and " over there " is "back here." One day we started from the office of the Boston Post to the Boston post-office, seventy feet distant. We walked straight ahead went around seven blocks saw a policeman standing in a door-way on each block asked each one the route to the post-office. Saw the eighth policeman, asked him politely. Said he, ' ' Look here, this is the eighth time you've asked me that question ! Move on, or up you go ! v Thought the policemen must be brothers they looked so much alike! Ruthor than gt B-o-s-fro-n-f 68 around the block again we went t'other way ; began to unwind, and got into the post-office by mistake. The front of a building is inside in the courts. Except the big organ and the cradle ! Ben. JButler spoke, while we were there, on the restoration policy. "Went to his meeting, expecting to see him giving back silver-ware and other valuables. Was mistaken. That kind of restoration wasn't Souse rents are cheap in Boston. Moving ia c)- japer than house rent. It's all owing to the hi .b, the big organ, and the cradle. There is no drinking in Boston. No peculiar female characters. What is common is not pe culiar. JSTew Bedford is to be moved into Boston soon. By legislative enactment, the mumps are to he confined to Democrats the cholera is to trouble only foreigners the chicken-pox is to 70 B-o-s-t-o-n-l be confined to old hens niggers are to have straight hair to disgrace them and the whites are to have curly wool on their cranimns to make them popular in Boston. Not forgetting the big organ and the cradle of liberty ! New York is in the watch-fob, the South in the breeches pocket, and the West buttons on the tail of the coat of Boston. The sun rises in Boston. The final conflagra tion of mundane things will begin in Boston, on account of the big organ and the cradle ! Bos ton would have been laid out more regularly if the dogs of olden times had been pointers, or the cows had walked in more direct paths. There fore we may see many calves in Boston. So much for tilting hoops ! A good place to move from if one moves early. From the cradle to the big organ, Crookedly, " POMEROT. CHAPTEE IX. HOW I LOST AURELIA. still, fond heart and sich, ye're think in' on her now ! In a little box, this morn- ing, old and blood-stained as 'twere by time, beside an old Testament, a slate pencil, and a little brass finger-ring, I found a tin top and wooden-bottom button, of the real old sort. Thirty years since I slung those buttons into them box, with a sigh of great size. I was Oorn at an early exclamation point of life, of poor but wealthy parents, and grew up to boy's estate on such food of love as mush and milk, pork and beans (subdued by caloric) 72 How 1 lost Aurelia. chicken pot-pies, harvest apples, young milk- not intoxicable and dreams. Dreams sustained me through the night, while the tall pines roar ing without taught me to pine for some one while the butter-nut tree across the road, dan dling imaginary babies in the air, with its long limbs or arms, told me plain as tree could talk that I'd butternot live always without some one to dandle, and et cetery ! Yes ! And so I loved, but knew it not ! With my pants on the floor, my jacket thrown on the foot of the bed, my hat safely hove into a cor ner of my bedroom, how I dreamed the happy hours away till milking time. Ah, me ! I was happy then, but not old enough to know it ! And I loved. Start not, gentle reader; but tliis is a fact. Aurelia Tillinghast was the rose I hummed around. She was three sum mers and somewhere near four winters older than I was at that time. But I caught up with her! She afterward married, and grew How 1 lost Aurelia. 73 young soon after, and then 1 got the start ol her. She had- a father at the time I loved her, and before, too, for all I know. I said she was older. So she was. She was born of poor but wealthy parents ; but the poor pre dominated to a severe muchness. She was part French from Dublin. She was large. There was no other girl on the creek. Oh! I loved her as the deep blue tree loves the morning air; as the trout loves the briny deep; as the dog loves its midnight bark; as the infants On their mother's knee Drink and love their catnip tea, So I did love my Au-ril-ye! The only child of Tillinghas t And his wife! My folks said it -was wrong; but love knew better. It wasn't much of a catch for either of us; but 'twas the best we could do! My folks didn't favor the alliance. Aurelia's derivatives, seeing in my little gait, 4 74 How I lost Aurelia. in my sparkling eyes, light hair, an! love for Bass, much to admire, as it betokened genius, was willing. So I used to run away, five miles through the woods, to see her who was so dear to me. And she used to fix up. I went six nights in the week. Every night Aurelia did wash her feet, and slip on her cowhide slippers. They looked red like, but 'twas all right, for pride is abom inable. And being economical, Aurelia did not wear hose. Nature unadorned is adorned the most. And her hair! A very gentle mauve, without spot or blemish. Pure as the life of John Brown, straight as the mountain ash ! Her face was well it was all face and her breath was like new-blown hay. Ah, how I lo\ ed her ; who could help it ! There was no more Au- relias within sixteen miles, for honest men with little girls in their families had not discovered the beauties of our woodland place of residence ! Aurelia's father liked the idea of wedlock Kow 1 lost Aurelta. 75 concerning us. Aurelia had experienced twenty- two seasons of severe existence. Her fathet was a primitive artist, and played the march of civilization on the rnonarchs of the forest. Ho reaped the rich reward of twelve dollars a month and board for this pastime. My derivative was his employer. Hence the position ! Anrelia had much appetite, and was expensive in this branch of education. Hence the desire. Dry" goods were expensive, and Aurelia's father being like his daughter, a little fat, had great difficulty in making both ends meet. Hence the ambition of the Tillinghasts. My father was more wealthier. He could brandish a watch on the Sabbath, flung from a genuine silk cord. And he had a Baliu vest, sev enteen years old. And he had & pair of boots for Sabbath wear. And one griddle of the stove was always removed to furnish the wherewithal to polish those boots. I had to polish them Hence my polish air and polished manner. 76 Hwo I lost A urelta. Every Sunday, at two o'clock, the stage came into the settlement seven miles up the creek. There were two horses to that stage, and at least once a month it had a passenger. Once it had two passengers a man and dog. The man rode on the seat with the driver ; the dog ran behind. That was a big day for Seely Creek. My father often spoke of it. He had been to the settlement every Sunday for four years. He was sick one day. 'Twas on that day the stage had two pas sengers. Father said it was just his luck. The people there talked about the stage for a long time. It waited an hour till father could arrive, but he didn't come. He was sick. He heard of it, and felt bad, but all the neighbors told him of it. And Tillinghast always went to the settle ment with him. They used to talk about my marriage with Aurelia. Tillinghast went to the settlement that Sunday, as usual, and he, a poorer man than my father, saw the stage come in ! My father did not see the stage come in, and the How Host Aurelia. 77 idea that Tillinghast did see it, created a coolnesa between them (even in July) they did not get over till January. My father was a proud man as he should have been, having such a son. So he told Til linghast the match should be broken off. My father was a tall man, six feet four. Tillinghast was a little fat cuss, four feet six. They used to look up and down at each other. And that waa the long and the short of it. The proposed wed lock was delayed. Tillinghast made offers. He offered to settle lots of property on his daughter. He, too, was proud, and eager for the fray so to speak. I was tall, like my masculine derivative. Aurelia, like a dutiful girl, patterned after her papa. Filial affection is commendable, so I commendabled Aurelia. And everybody wants to marry in a high family. But the stage affair darned the stream of neighborly affection existing between our pater- nals. Tillinghast was to blame he said so. He 78 How I lost Aurelia. offered to give Aurelia, on her wedding, a skillet without a handle; a half-dozen new sap troughs; a pair of red stockings, which should come to within an inch of her dress ; a new splint broom ; a wooden pancake turner, made out of water- beech, so that its natural limber would flap the cakes nicely ; a top-knot hen ; a wooden scoop- Bhovel, in which to take up dirt from the kitchen ; a pair of his old pants to begin a rag carpet with, and a new fine-comb, left there by a pedler the year before in payment for supper, lodging, and breakfast for himself, horse, and wagon 1 Father consented, and how happy I was ! Hastened I to Aurelia and told her the news. We two turtle-doves sat on the edge of the spring, and paddled our feet in its limpid waters by moonlight, for hours. I never had kissed her before, for it is wrong to kiss girls before you Kiss them! But that night, how I went for kisses. We smacked and smacked, till the owl? How I lost Awrelia. 79 hooted in fear. And I hugged Aurelia ever so muchly. We slipped into the spring, and hug ged each other then ; that was the first Aurelia ever knew of a waterfall ; but it didn't make her proud. * At last a new stage- route was put on. It led by Aurelia's house. Her father's house did not have many mansions, but it was enlarged and made a stage house. And the stage stopped there over night. And that accomplished stage-driver was a mean cuss ! I thought it then ; I think it now. He was not handsome, like myself ; but lordy, how he could crack a whip 1 Early in the morning he would get on a stump by the barn and snap that long whip till the hens and roosters would cackle for two hours! Aurelia's parents thought 'twas I kissin' Aurelia, but 'twan't ! And all this a heavy novelty was to that sweet little one. She had never experienced so much happiness previous. It was a new thing. Like 80 How I lost AureUa. some other people, new things proved to le Let best game! And the whipper-snapper of a stage driver brought her candy all the way from Elmira, then called by the name of 'New- town. And he did keep his hair greased ! And essence of cinnamon brought he for those mauve-complexioned tresses, and essence of peppermint for her breath. He was an extrav agant stagist ! And it was by thus the serpent of that gay fellow's love stole into my temple, I thought him all-fired humbly. I often in formed Aurelia to this end, but she could not discern it. He used to kiss her, and hug her, and I knew it. And she liked it ! But what could I do? Aurelia was the first born! I bought a whip, and had a big snapper put on it, and nearly cut my ears off in the endeavor to crack it as fiercely as did Jehiel, for that was his name. But 'twas no use; the bnsineea was new, the snapper wouldn't snap, and Jehid beat me ! Hmo 1 lost Aurelia. 81 The night we sat on the edge of the spring and hugged ourselves into it, I wanted to be liberal I had nothing, so I gave Amelia a button from my trowserloons. I had no knife to cut it off, so Aurelia chawed it off. And I took some of her hair, made a little string from it, and hung it around her neck. It was a charm with Aurelia's charms. She wore it near her heart. I was happy when she wore it, and often wished I was a little button with a tin top and wooden bottom, so I could hang around Aurelia's neck. When the stage stopped at Tillinghast's he spruced up. He had my father then where the hair was short, and their affection took another cold. My father took a rheumatism in Ma limbs, and couldn't walk to the settlement, as he once could, to see the stage come in. So he went to walk down to the corner where Aurelia : ved, to see it come in. Seeing stage co>e in 82 How I lost AureUa. was one of his best holts. And he used to ad mire Jehiel, who was the greatest whip-snappei in that county. He took pride in it. I grew to hate my father because he spoke well of Jehiel. Not of him, but of his whip-snapping. I felt bad and out in the hemlock pined to a shadow. One day father come home. He handed me something tied up in a little piece of dirty cloth. I opened it. It was the button now before me. A simple button, but it did a tale unfold which rang in my ears worse than ever did Jehiel's whip! It bore the marks of Aurelia's teeth, where once, in maiden meditation, she had squoze a tooth in it, while chawitig it off! It was a simple tin top wooden-bottom button, but I hated it, and stamped it to the earth. Four little tears stood in the eyes of the button as it lay pressed in tho moist earth. I took it up carefully, and How I lost Aurelia. 83 laid it away, as I would Aurelia, and it has never been looked at till now. And 1 grew up to be " POMEROT. P. S. Aurelia got married, and her Jehid is still stage-driving. " B." P. CHAPTER X. THE Doo-GoNDEST Doo. the dorg! There goes a three-by- five feet pane of plate-glass out of a door, and there goes the cussedest and wussedest piece of excitable canine we ever saw! Four years ago, the day after a chap on the cars had the upper end of his snoot punched for calling us a traitor, Po. Hatcher gave us that red and brindle batch of dog, then done up small like, but looking so bull-dogish that we were afraid of his picture for a week 1 Po. said he was an Alabama bull-dog, im The Dog-Gondest Dog. 85 ported from New Jersey in a basket, as a sample of the handsome of that country. But he was a pretty purp. His tail was no longel than a wicked man's prayer, and was full aa etunin' ! .And those ears ! They looked like a small corner of plug tobacco! And such eyes ! And such eyebrows ! When he was but a child, so-called, some monster must have slung him head-first against a stone wall! His jaws were pretty jaws. They were so severe in their angles. There was so much jaw in pro portion to the purp, that we wanted to call him Swisshelm ; but he wan't that kind of a pet! But he was nigh onto all jaw! We kept him four weeks in the sanctum, and all that time hired a nigger to watch him. He'd steal steal is no name for it! And he kept that nigger mighty busy watching him, till at last tlfe nigger, being such a smart, mim- icky, education able cuss, got so much worse nor the dog, that we kept the dog to watch 86 The Dog-Gondest Dog. the nigger! Egad, wan't it a full team! Strange how niggers will learn things! And he was the hungriest dog we ever saw I A pennyworth of beef didn't last him as long as a ten-dollar bill would a Democrat the night before election. He had a fine voice for beef. And what the dog would not eat, the nigger would ! And the dog grew large, and ponderous about the jaws. He used to eat paper, books, mats, vests, old hats, gloves, patent-leather boots, window curtains, and sich. He ate such stuff for dessert. That dog ate a full calf-bound set of Harper's "Weekly one day, just on account of the calf. And he ate ten copies of the Chicago Tri bune one day, but the lie in them papers made him so dog-goned sick all that week that he would have died if the nigger in 'em hadn't emeticked 'em out, and so he got well ! But he never pined himself to a shadow hankering after Republican newspapers any more. And he kept on stealing, "We always thought them Republi The Dog-Gondest Dog. 87 can newspapers aided the development of that complaint, for he was sure to steal all the nigger earned for us. He'd walk out on a rainy day for his health, and always came back with something he'd found. Once it was a lady's veil. Then it was half a ham, with a butcher-knife sticking in it. What he wanted to bring the knife with him for is more than we know, unless he had to cut and run ! One day he came in with a baby'a cradle. There was some blood on the edge of it, and all that afternoon the bell-man was out ringing a bell and yelling, "Boy lost!" John Brown didn't go out for two or three days ! Once he came in with a wooden leg in his teeth. That night a wooden-legged soldier was missing ; but as crippled soldiers were of no ac count, he didn't try to keep shy a bit. He brought us the leg, no doubt thinking it the kind of club we like for the La Crosse DEMO CRAT. A.nd he used to steal money! He'd go 88 The Dog-Gondest Dog. into a store and snatch greenbacks oat of a cash drawer, just as handy ! One day he came in with a contribution box he'd stolen from the entry- way of a close com munion church. He carried the box behind the end of the sideboard, broke it open and looked sick> ! John Brown never stole a contribution box again ; and after that, when we'd point to that box, and smile, he'd drop his tail what there was of it and look mean enough. And he'd steal halters, bridles, saddles, and such stuff. And as he grew older, he'd actually unhitch a horse and lead him across the line into Minne sota. When any one would call out, " John Brown," he'd go for a horse, sure. And so we had to change his name. What to call the cuss we didn't know. But as he had chawed up so many books, and was al \vays meddling with what was none of his business, and grew to be sort of dogmatic, and radical about his bloody jaws, we left off calling The Dog- Go.idest Dog. him John Brown, and called him Sumner. a whLe he seemed to like .t. He was a ambi tious dorg, and to keep his name good, meddled with so much that was none of his business that at last he got a dog-goned caning, which so affected his backbone that we had to send for Anna Dickinson. After she strengthened up hig Bpinal vertebrae, he howled and ranted around so we had to change his name again. So well called him Curtiss. And that seemed to please him mightily. He'd stand on his hind legs before a glass, poke the hair out of his eyes, and when he went out doors he strutted about a3 though he was going to fight a Pea Ridge bat tle ! And what notice he'd take of mules ! He fell in love with mules ! He became enamored of mules, and often would lead them to the out skirts of the city and hide them in the bushes. And he grew into such a taste for cotton. Never Baw a dog so fond of cotton. In fact, he had such a love for cotton that 'twan't safe to let hiir 90 The Dog-Gondest Dog. walk en the street, nor stay in the sanctum, not go to any place, so we called him Sigel. Thnl bothered him. He had a tough time of it. Gra cious, how he'd twist his jaws and bark ! And he loved to get into a dog fight, too. He'd whip any dog in the city. But it took so long to get him in a fight, that he was useless. Tou seo when we wanted him to fight one dog, we'd set him to fight another one, and then he'd back into the t'other one, then fight his way out! But it took so long to learn his style ; and then 'twan't always convenient to get up two fights, EC we changed his name again. He grew beautiful each day. In fact, he waa a handsome cuss ! And folks took so much notice of him he forgot he was nothing but a poor dog, and he acted so that we thought best to call him Butler. You never saw such a change come over a dog. He grew cunninger and cunninger every day. He'd go to butcher shops, rub his paws OB The Dog-Oondest Dog. 91 the carcass :>f a dead beef, and come home to make us be.ieve he'd been fighting. And as he growled so when he came, and never had any cuts or wounds on him, we thought he was get ting to be terribly brave. But at last we found him out. And how that dog would strut ! And he grew mean. He'd drive small dogs away from their bones, and got to chasing kittens to some point out of harm's way. And he'd snap and snarl at women always insulting them. And he had half-a-dozen pups he'd picked up around the city, as mean but not as smart as he ; and these pups would chase poor girls into some corner where he would scowl, bark at, and then, after rubbing his dirty nose over them, leave them with some wound on them. But when he heard a gun, Lord bless you, how he'd run, and hold his tail close between his legs ! "We had lota of trouble with him. When he saw a church, he wanted to go ir and steal something. And when he saw a telegraph report in the office, he 92 The Dog-Oondest Dog. looked as if he wanted to change it some way The only thing he was fit for was to watch jew elry stores! Let that dog go by a show-window where there would be some silver-ware, and he'd stand around there all day. And he'd look into store windows, and break into churches to look at the communion plate. And he'd follow a funeral for miles, if there was a silver plate on the coffin. Most folks thought he was alwaya one of the mourners. But when we found that the graves were dug into, and one day saw his kennel filled with silver plates, screws, etc., gnawed from coffin-lids, we knew what a vehe ment mourner Butler was. A funeral procession just passed the door and that is what the dog goned dog went out for so quick ! If anybody wants a red and brindle, square- jawed pet of this kind, whose keeping will not amount to over five or six hundred dollars a month, unless we have to pay for his stealings, we'd like to sell him. He is a sweet pet jus* The Dog-G