HIBRARY0/
 
 ARTIE
 
 THE TWO-SPOT
 
 ARTIE 
 
 A Story of the Streets and Town 
 
 GEORGE ADE 
 
 Author of " Fables in Slang," " Doc' Home," 
 "Pink Marsh," etc. 
 
 PICTURES BY 
 JOHN T. McCUTCHEON 
 
 NEW YORK 
 GROSSET & DUNLAP
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY 
 HERBERT S. STONE k CO.
 
 ARTIE 
 
 i 
 
 One day Mrs. Morton, wife of the city 
 manager, came to the offices and in polite 
 brigandage compelled each man in the room 
 to pay fifty cents for a ticket to the charity 
 entertainment. This entertainment was to 
 be given at a South Side church on the fol 
 lowing Wednesday evening. Artie bought 
 a ticket with apparent willingness. 
 
 " I do n't want you young men to think 
 that I 'm robbing you of this money," said 
 Mrs. Morton. " I want you to come to 
 the entertainment. You '11 enjoy it, really." 
 
 " Blanchard can go all right," suggested 
 Miller, with a wink at young Mr. Hall. 
 41 He lives within a few blocks of your 
 church."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 "Then he must come," said Mrs. 
 Morton decisively. " Won't you, Mr. 
 Blanchard ? " 
 
 " Sure," replied Artie, blushing deeply. 
 
 "Why, Mrs. Morton, he has n't been 
 in a church for three years," said Miller. 
 
 " I do n't believe it," and she turned to 
 Artie, who was shaking his fist at Miller. 
 " Now, Mr. Blanchard, I want you to 
 promise me faithfully that you '11 come." 
 
 " I '11 be there all right," said he, 
 smiling feebly. 
 
 " Remember, you 've promised," and as 
 she went out she shook her finger at him 
 as a final reminder. 
 
 " Well, are you going ? " asked Miller. 
 
 Artie put on his lofty manner and gazed 
 at his office companions with seeming cold 
 ness. 
 
 " What 's it to you whether I do or 
 not ? Did n't you hear what I said to her ? 
 Sure I 'm goin'. I 've got as much right 
 to go out and do the heavy as any o' you
 
 ARTIE 
 
 pin-heads. If I like their show I '11 help 
 'em out next time get a couple o' handy 
 boys and put on a six-round go for a finish. 
 Them people never saw anything good." 
 
 "I'll bet you don't go," spoke up 
 young Mr. Hall. 
 
 Artie laughed dryly. " You guys must 
 think I 'm a quitter, to be scared out by 
 any little old church show," said he. 
 
 That was the last said of the charity 
 entertainment until Thursday morning, 
 when Artie, after dusting off his desk, 
 strolled .up to Miller and gave him a 
 friendly blow, known to ringside patrons 
 as a " kidney-punch." 
 
 Ouch ! " exclaimed Miller. 
 Well, I goes," said Artie. 
 " Where ? " asked Miller, who had for 
 gotten. 
 
 , Where ? Well, that 's a good thing. 
 
 To the church show the charity graft. 
 
 I did n't do a thing but push my face in 
 
 there about eight o'clock last night, and I 
 
 3
 
 ARTIE 
 
 was * it' from the start. Say, I like that 
 church, and if they '11 put in a punchin'- 
 bag and a plunge they can have my game, 
 I '11 tell you those." 
 
 " Did you see Mrs. Morton ? " 
 " How 's that, boy ? Did I see her ? 
 Say, she treated me out o' sight. She 
 meets me at the door, puts out the glad 
 hand and says: < Hang up your lid and 
 come into the game.' " 
 
 " I never heard her talk like that," sug 
 gested Miller. 
 
 " Well, that 's what she meant. She 's 
 all right, too, and the only wonder to me 
 is how she ever happened to tie herself up 
 to that slob. It 's like hitchin' up a four- 
 time winner 'longside of a pelter. He 
 ain't in her class, not for a minute or a 
 part of a minute. What kills me off is 
 how all these dubs make their star win- 
 nin's. W'y, out there last night I see the 
 measliest lot o' jays regular Charley- 
 boys floatin' around with queens. I 
 4
 
 ARTIE 
 
 wish somebody 'd tell me how they cop 
 'em out. Do n't it kill you dead to see a 
 swell girl you know, a regular peach 
 holdin' on to some freak with side whiskers 
 and thinkin' she 's got a good thing ? 
 That 's right. She thinks he 's all right. 
 Anyway, she acts the part. And say, 
 you know Percival, that works over 
 in the bank little Percy, the perfect 
 lady. There 's a guy I 've known for 
 five years, and so help me, if he gets 
 on a street-car where I am, I get off and 
 walk. That ain't no lie. I pass him up. I 
 say, c You 're all right, Percy, and you can 
 take the car to yourself,' and then I duck." 
 
 " Was he there ? " 
 
 " The whole thing ! That ain't no kid. 
 He was the real papa the hit o' the piece. 
 One on each arm, see ? and puttin' up 
 the large, juicy con talk. They was 
 beauts too; you couldn't beat 'em, not 
 in a thousand years. There they was, 
 holdin' to this wart. Up goes my hands 
 5
 
 ARTIE 
 
 in the air, and I says to myself : l Percy, 
 you 're all right. I would n't live on the 
 same street with you, but you 're all right 
 at that,' But he could n't see me." 
 
 " Could n't see you ? " 
 
 41 No, he lost his eyesight. He looked 
 at me, but he was too busy to see me. 
 No, he had on his saucy coat and that 
 touch-me-not necktie, and oh, he was 
 busy. He was n't doin' a thing. I think 
 I '11 give the bank a line on Percy. Any 
 man that wears that kind of a necktie 
 had n't ought to handle money. But you 
 ought to seen the two he had. I'd like to 
 know how he does it. I had a notion to 
 go up to one o' the girls and say: 'What's 
 the matter ? Ain't you ever seen any 
 others ? ' " 
 
 " Did you like the show ? " asked Miller. 
 
 " It 's this way. They liked it, and so " 
 
 with a wave of the hand "let 'em 
 
 have it. If they put the same turns on at 
 
 any variety house the people 'd tear down 
 
 6
 
 ARTIE 
 
 the buildin', tryin' to get their coin back. 
 Mrs. Morton got me a good seat and then 
 backcapped the show a little before it 
 opened up, so I did n't expect to be pulled 
 out o' my chair and I wasn't. If I'd 
 been near the door I 'd 'a' sneaked early 
 \n the game, but, like a farmer, I let her 
 put me way up in front. I saw I was up 
 against it, so I lasted the best way I could. 
 Two or three o' the songs was purty fair, 
 but the woman that trifled with the piano 
 for about a half an hour was very much on 
 the bummy bum. Then there was a guy 
 called an entertainer, that told some o' the 
 gags I used to hear when my brother 
 took me to the old Academy and held me 
 on his lap. But he got 'em goin', just the 
 same. 'Well,' I says to myself, ' what 'd 
 a couple o' hot knockabouts do to this 
 push ? ' On the dead, I do n't believe any 
 o' them people out there ever saw a good 
 show. It just goes to prove that there 's 
 lots of people with stuff that think they 
 7
 
 ARTIE 
 
 know what 's goin' on in town, but they 
 do n't. I ain't got no kick comin', only it 
 was a yellow show, and I 'm waitin' for 
 forty-five cents change." 
 
 " I should think you would have got 
 the worth of your money simply by seeing 
 so many good-looking girls," said Miller. 
 
 " The girls are all right, only I think 
 they 're a little slow on pickin' the right 
 kind. If I had time I 'd go over to that 
 church and make a lot o' them Reubs look 
 like thirty-cent pieces. Not that I'm 
 strong on the con talk, but I know I 'd be 
 in it with them fellows. I think it must 
 be a case of nerve. That 's all there is 
 to 'em is nerve. But the girls 
 wow ! " 
 
 "Beauties, eh?" 
 
 " Lollypaloozers ! "
 
 THE CAUTIOUS BOY
 
 II 
 
 "It's hard goin'this morning," remarked 
 Artie, as he performed the difficult feat of 
 removing his rubbers without touching his 
 hands to them, " and I ain 't much of a 
 mud-horse." He telescoped his cuffs and 
 put them on a hook, yawned lazily and 
 said : " I 've got a peach of a head." 
 
 " Were you out ? " asked Miller. 
 
 " Naw, I was settin' in an easy game o* 
 poker. None of us stood to win car fare, 
 but I went in, thinkin' I might get 'em 
 loosened up and pull out the price of a 
 Christmas present for the girl." 
 
 " Did you ? " 
 
 " Well, I should say nit. I think I '11 
 
 have to duck on that present or else go out 
 
 with a stockin' full o' sand. You never 
 
 see such a sure-thing crowd in your life." 
 
 9
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Where were you playing ? " 
 
 " Over at Kennedy's room. He got 
 me to come over and had a couple of his 
 friends there. Oh, but they was hot mem 
 bers! One of 'em whenever he got bet 
 ter 'n jacks up, always lost his voice and 
 could n't keep count o' the chips. Then 
 he 'd stop the game every three minutes to 
 see how he stood with himself. He 'd 
 stack up, you know, an' feel in his pockets 
 and then he 'd say : 1 1 'm forty-seven cents 
 loser.' He was the best I ever see." 
 
 " Were you playing for money ? " asked 
 young Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Playin' for now, would n't that 
 
 upper-cut you ? Sure. You did n't think 
 this was a game o' muggins, like you 
 boys play up at your little old cycle club? 
 This was the real old army game. I 
 guess I saw as much as two bones change 
 hands." 
 
 " How did you come out ? " asked 
 Miller. 
 
 10
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Wait and I '11 tell you. We kind o' 
 petered along there for two or three hours 
 or so, makin' two call five and as high 
 as fifteen cents to see, everybody keepin' 
 books and beefin' about the way the hands 
 was runnin' and showin' up the cards when 
 nobody come in, and tellin' what they 
 might a' done if they 'd done purty well, 
 an' so on real gambler talk till I says 
 to myself, 1 1 '11 try it, an' if it do n't go, 
 it 's a baby risk.' I gets a pair of type 
 writers and stays in. All of 'em playin', 
 see ? Kennedy leads off. I think he tossed 
 in seven white chips; anyway, he was 
 strong. Then this boy that was keepin' tab 
 on his stack all the time, he had to think it 
 all over and have another talk with himself 
 and skin his cards three or four times, and 
 then he put in. Up to me see ? I 
 kind o' gives the gentle push to half a 
 samoleon and says : c Comrades, it '11 cost 
 you fifty c. apiece to linger in my society.' 
 Say, you never see people so busy. Ken
 
 ARTIE 
 
 nedy has a long talk with himself and 
 counts his stuff, and then he says to this 
 safe player at the right o' me : l Are you 
 goin' to call him?' c Nix,' I says. ' This 
 ain 't tennis; this is poker.' Kennedy 
 looked a few spots off his hand, and then 
 he says: 'Well, I 'm out,' just as if he 
 said : ' Well, I lose eight thousand on 
 wheat to-day.' " 
 
 " Did the other fellow stay ? " asked 
 Miller. 
 
 " Stay nothin' ! He had the heart failure 
 when he see that half. I pulled in the 
 dough and picked up the cards. ' What 
 did you have ? ' says Kennedy. c Oh,' 
 I says, c I did n't have nothin' but five 
 nines.' c No,' he says, c on the square, 
 what did you have ? ' I told him it was 
 against the rules for me to say, but it was 
 a cinch I had him done. c Well,' he 
 says, < I had three kings.' That ain't no 
 kid, neither. The geezer was settin' there 
 lookin' into three kings all the time." 
 
 19
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Why, he had you beat, did n't he ? " 
 exclaimed young Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Not in a thousand years. Did n 't I 
 tell you I got the stuff quite a bundle 
 o' money, too. I think there was thirty- 
 six cents. Talk about your Monte Carlo 
 boys ! Them guys last night was the gam 
 iest I ever set down with." 
 
 " Well, now, did n't you have to tell 
 him what you had ? " inquired young Mr. 
 Hall. 
 
 " Not accordin' to the league rules for 
 this year. Did I have to tell ? You 're 
 all right, boy." 
 
 "How did you come out?" persisted 
 Miller. 
 
 "W'y, what chance did I have to get into 
 'em ? Talk about safe playin' ! They're 
 like the stock-yards man that wanted to 
 fight Sullivan. 4 1 '11 fight him,' he says, 
 ' if you blindfold Sullivan and gi' me an 
 ax.' That was the way with them dubs. 
 They liked the color o' my money, but 
 i3
 
 ARTIE 
 
 they would n't take no risk. After that 
 first saucy crack with the half I laid low 
 three or four hands, and then I knocked 
 'em a horrible twister. It was a jack pot, 
 and this cautious boy at the right o' me 
 opened it. I stay, see ? Why should n't 
 I, when I had two, four, six, seven and 
 nine, in three different colors, all in my 
 mit ? I stands pat on the draw, and then 
 the first crack out o' the box I whoops it 
 a half fifty kopecks. What does he do ? 
 He could n't drop his hand too quick. An 
 other case o' licked in a punch. He shows 
 jacks up for openers and then starts to pick 
 up my hand, but I stood him off. I says : 
 ' Nay, nay, Pauline, there 's some things 
 so good that it costs money to see 'em.' 
 I told him that when he wanted to get wise 
 to what was in my hand all he had to do 
 was to dig up his bit and come in. 'Well,' 
 he says, c I don't want to lose my stuff.' 
 On the level, no kiddin', that 's what he 
 said that he did n't want to lose his 
 14
 
 ARTIE 
 
 stuff. I told him he was in the wrong 
 kind of a game that he ought to be 
 playin', l Heavy, heavy, hangs over your 
 head.'" 
 
 " You have n't told us yet how you 
 came out," said young Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Well, I kept on layin' low, and then 
 every fourth hand or so comin' in with a 
 half-dollar and takin* the pot. Finally, 
 after I 'd sprung it on 'em about a dozen 
 times and was gettin' quite a stack in front 
 o' me, I stood pat on a hand and tried 'em 
 again. ' Hold on,' says this cautious boy, 
 shakin' all over, 4 hold on, don't take that ! ' 
 I told him I would n't take it till it come 
 time. Then him and Kennedy had a long 
 spiel to themselves. Kennedy was out, of 
 course, not bein' able to show up better 'n 
 threes. He advised the boy to see me. 
 Both of 'em looked at the hand and sized 
 me up, and finally this boy that was holdin' 
 the hand said he 'd go halves with Kennedy 
 and make me spread what I had. They
 
 ARTIE 
 
 had some more of the talk and at last they 
 put in a quartei apiece. ' I ain't got a 
 thing but a flush,' I says, and I lays down 
 four hearts and a diamond." 
 
 " That was n't a ," began young 
 
 Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Sh ! " said Miller. 
 
 " You ought 'o heard the roar," resumed 
 Artie, giving young Mr. Hall a reproving 
 glance. " Kennedy hollered the worst of 
 all. c That ain't no flush,' he says. c Of 
 course it is,' I come back ; ' ain't they all 
 one color ? ' With that they both begin 
 talkin' at once, showin' me how it was a 
 flush had to be all hearts or all diamonds 
 and thai sort o' business. I waited till 
 they got through, and then I said I was 
 dead sore about not bein' next to the 
 point. I says to 'em : 1 1 been playin' 
 them hands for flushes all night.' The old 
 gag, see ? They never tumbled, though. 
 You never heard such kickin'. Them 
 guys thought I 'd been playin' red and 
 16
 
 ARTIE 
 
 black hands all the time. This cautious 
 boy figured he could 'a' won four bucks 
 if he 'd called me every time I stood pat. 
 Say, you 'd died if you 'd heard him." 
 
 " Well, who won the pot ? " asked 
 Miller. 
 
 " I think you 're about as bright on the 
 game as they was. W'y, that chump had 
 a full house, nines on somethin'. Soon 
 as he took the half I said I 'd stop 
 would n't play no more till I learned to 
 read the hands. We all cashed in, and 
 what do you think ? I was seventy-three 
 cents to the good. There I set like a big 
 stiff for five hours and pulled against them 
 marks for severity-three cents. Kennedy 
 lose fifty-four cents, an' I '11 make a guess 
 right now he ain't through kickin' yet."
 
 Ill 
 
 While they were at lunch a square en 
 velope of a delicate pink color was placed 
 on Artie's table. 
 
 It was addressed in very blue ink to 
 " Mr. Arthur Blanchard, Esq." 
 
 Furthermore, the stamp was placed up 
 side down on the upper left-hand corner of 
 the envelope. According to the code of 
 the " stamp flirtation" this means either, 
 " Write soon" or " I am longing to see 
 you.'* 
 
 When the recipient is certain as to the 
 feelings of the one who has written, he or 
 she may take this unusual position of the 
 stamp to mean even more than is written 
 in the code. 
 
 There may be some ignorant persons 
 who do not know that when a lady passes 
 18
 
 \ 
 
 AMIE
 
 ARTIE 
 
 a handkerchief across her face this is a 
 signal to the gentleman friend, standing in 
 front of the cigar store, that she must 
 speak with him soon. 
 
 Again, when a gentleman carries fc 
 umbrella grasped by the middle with the 
 handle pointing backward he is making a 
 declaration of love to all women whom 
 he encounters. He may be utterly un 
 conscious of the fact, but any one who ^ 
 understands the leading signals of the 
 "umbrella flirtation" will know what is 
 meant when a gentleman deliberately holds 
 his umbrella in that position. 
 
 Furthermore, if he carried his umbrella 
 handle forward and inclined at forty-five 
 degrees it would mean "We must part." 
 
 A study of that interesting yellow 
 volume wherein are set down all the 
 secrets of flirtation by means of an, 
 handkerchief, glove, umbrella, walking- 
 stick, postage stamp, book, etc., etc., will 
 show that a deep significance attaches tc 
 19
 
 ARTIE 
 
 the most ordinary procedures. Even the 
 hoisting of an umbrella or the mopping of 
 a damp brow may be construed as an ex 
 pression of hatred, or the very reverse. 
 
 If a young man is too bashful or too dip 
 lomatic to make a frank declaration of love 
 all he has to do is to " crumple the dance 
 programme in his left hand," and the 
 young woman who has studied the yellow 
 volume will know that he means " I can 
 not live without you." (See " programme 
 flirtations.") 
 
 Artie no sooner saw the envelope than 
 he smiled broadly. He knew the meaning 
 of the upside-down stamp, but Miller did 
 not. 
 
 "Oh, well, I guess I ain't strong on the 
 North Side," said Artie, as he held the 
 envelope up to the light. " She writes a 
 swell letter, don 't she ? You might think, 
 to size it up, it come from the Lake Shore 
 Drive. She 's a little queer on the speliin', 
 but her heart 's in the right place."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Is that from one of your lady friends? " 
 asked young Mr. Hall, with a side wink 
 at Miller. Since Hall had been attend 
 ing the whist parties he had shown a 
 disposition to be quietly scornful of Ar 
 tie's social connections. 
 
 " Never you mind," replied Artie. "This 
 ain 't for boys." 
 
 He opened the letter and read it care 
 fully, occasionally remarking : " I ain't a 
 bit strong here." 
 
 " Are we going to hear it?" asked Mil 
 ler, who was biting his pencil with curi 
 osity. 
 
 " Not in a thousand. What do you 
 take me for ? This letter 's for me and 
 I 'm the only boy that gets 'em, too, I '11 
 tell you those." 
 
 " That 's what she says, I suppose." 
 
 " Is that so ? I come purt' near knowin' 
 how strong I am with her. There ain 't 
 nobody else one-two-seven. They ain 't 
 even in the c also rans.' "
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Well, you must be solid." 
 
 " Solid ? W'y, I 'm one o' the family. 
 You could n't queer me with that girl. 
 I 've made the play at the old folks, on 
 the square. The old man 's dead with 
 me. I went to see her one night and she 
 was out, so I had to set there for about an 
 hour and pipe him the best I could. Le 'me 
 tell you." 
 
 Then Artie had to stop and laugh. 
 
 " I never put you next to how I come to 
 meet her, did I ? Say, there was the fun 
 niest thing ever. It must 'a' been three 
 months ago, a fellow holds me up for the 
 price of a ticket to a dance up on North 
 Clark street. I did n't expect to break in, 
 but when the night come there was nothin* 
 else in sight so I hot-foots up to the 
 dance. It was a sucker play, too, because I 
 might 'a' known it 'd be a case of takin' the 
 horse cars to get back to the West Side. 
 I had some new togs, a new pair o' patent 
 leathers and well, I don't like to star 
 
 23
 
 ARTIE 
 
 myself, but I guess I was about as good 
 as the best. And this crowd up there was 
 purty-y-y punk; very much on the hano- 
 me-down order." 
 
 " It was n 't a full dress affair, then ? " 
 asked Miller, laughing. 
 
 " Oh me, oh my! Full dress? W'y, if a 
 guy 'd floated in there with one o' them 
 Clarence outfits they'd 'a' hung him across 
 a chandelier. Some o' them was dead 
 tough and the others was hams. It was 
 frosty, too. I could n 't see any folks I 
 knew, so I stood around there on one foot 
 kind o' rubber-neckin' to find an openin*. 
 Finally I see Mamie over in one corner." 
 
 " So that 's her name, is it Mamie ?" 
 
 " I guess you got past my guard that 
 time. Yes, that 's her name, Mamie. As 
 soon as I see her everything else off. It 
 was a sure enough case of l only one girl.' 
 ' In a minute,' I says, and I swore I 'd 
 get next no matter what kind of a brash 
 play I had to make. Say, she 's a dream. 
 33
 
 ARTIE 
 
 That's right. If she had the clothes she'd 
 make the best of 'em look foolish." 
 
 "I believe you 're stuck on her," ven< 
 tured Miller. 
 
 " Mebbe that ain't no lie neither. She M 
 make anybody daffy. As I was sayin'. 
 she was settin' over in the corner, and I 
 could see that a Johnny-on-the-spot, with 
 a big badge, marked c Committee,' was 
 tryin' to keep cases on her. He waltzed 
 with her once or twice, but most o' the 
 time he had to be out on the floor yellin' 
 4 Two more couples wanted,' and all that 
 business. He was makin' himself the 
 whole thing. Well, I got friendly with a 
 guy that was standin' around, the same 
 as myself, tryin' to break in, an' 
 I says to him : c I want you to do 
 me a favor. Take me over and gi' 
 me a knock-down to the queen in the cor 
 ner.' He said he didn 't know her. c What's 
 the diff ? ' I says. c Ain 't you got your 
 nerve with you ? ' Well, he was all right. 
 2 4
 
 ARTIE 
 
 He took me over and says : ' Miss Lum- 
 yum and-so-and-so,' fakin' it as he went, 
 ' I want you to shake hands with my 
 friend. Mr. Ta-ra-m-m~m,' and then he 
 ducked." 
 
 "What was it he called you?" 
 " He did n't call me nothin'. He just 
 made a bluff. She says to me, * I did n't 
 ketch the name.' * Livingstone,' I says, 
 4 Herbert Livingstone. I 'm on the board 
 o' trade.' That board o' trade business 
 has been done to death, but I guess it went 
 with her. I asked her for her name and 
 she give it to me straight. 4 How about 
 the next dance ? ' I says. She said it was 
 all right if Mr. Wilson did n 't come 
 around and claim it. I asked her if the 
 boy with the badge owned her and she 
 laughed. I see that he did n 't have no 
 cinch on it, so I just started in. I put 
 up the tall talk, jollied her along, danced 
 with her three times well, of course, 
 you could n't blame her. I sprung them 
 25
 
 ARTIE 
 
 West Side manners o' mine on her and 
 I had her won. Finally his rabs with 
 the banner on his coat conies around and 
 begins to roast her. Sore ? You never 
 see a man so sore." 
 
 " Why did n *t you stop him ? " 
 
 "Oh, I did n't stop him, did I ? Mebbe 
 I let him go right ahead and have his own 
 way. You ought o' seen me. I put up 
 a bluff that 'd curl your hair. I went up 
 to him and I breathed it right in his ear. 
 I leaned against him. 4 Look here,' I says, 
 * you screw right away from here. We 
 do n't like your style. If you open your 
 face to this lady again to-night I '11 separate 
 you from your breath.' Did he go ? Well, 
 I should say yes. He did n 't want none o' 
 my game." 
 
 "Did n't she get mad?" asked young 
 Mr. Hall, who had become intensely in 
 terested. 
 
 " What, after he 'd weakened that way? 
 His name was pants, then and there. I 
 26
 
 ARTIE 
 
 says to her: l That fellow 's got a horrible 
 rind to think he can set on the same side 
 o' the room with you.' Then she said 
 she did n't know what she 'd do, because 
 he'd brought her there and her pa-pah 
 would be crazy if she went runnin' around 
 the street by her lonelies. You see, I 
 was n't doin' all the stringin'. She kept 
 playin' that 'pa-pah' gag on me. Pa-pah 
 wanted her to take music lessons, and pa- 
 pah was very particular who she went out 
 with, and ma-mah was worried whenever 
 she stayed out after twelve. I did n't want 
 to call her down, but I could tell from the 
 dress and the talk and all that that she'd 
 never had any diamonds to throw at the 
 birds. But then I was spinnin' pipe dreams 
 myself, tellin' about how much I lose on 
 the board and all that." 
 
 Miller leaned back in his chair and 
 roared. Artie waited for him to subside. 
 
 " I took her home, but not all the way. 
 She stopped on the corner and said that 
 27
 
 ARTIE 
 
 was far enough. I sized it up that the 
 house was on the bum and she did n't 
 want me to see it. I had her name and I 
 told her I wanted to write to her. She 
 said, ' Mebbe,' and then she flew." 
 
 " Did n't you kiss her good-night ? " 
 asked young Mr. Hall, roguishly. 
 
 " Well, the ," and what Artie then 
 
 and there said under an extreme stress of 
 indignation need not be repeated. " Say, 
 do you know who I 'm talkin' about ? 
 Do n't you make none o' them funny plays 
 at me. I 'm tellin' you that this is the 
 first time I met her. I do n't know how 
 they act in your set, but this girl well, 
 you Ve got to know her awhile." 
 
 " I was just joking," said young Mr. 
 Hall. 
 
 " All right, drop it. As I was sayin', 
 I told her I 'd write to her, but I did n't. 
 Well, one day on Dearborn street, who 
 does I meet but the girl, comin' out of a 
 buildin' where all them printin' offices are. 
 28
 
 ARTIE 
 
 * Hello, there, little one,' I says. l Do 
 you work up here ? ' That kind o' stag 
 gered her. So she weakened and said she 
 did. She ain't a very good liar. I walked 
 down to the corner with her and give her 
 a little song about thinkin' all the more of 
 her since I 'd learned she was a workin' 
 girl. She was so square I could n 't string 
 her no more, so I told her who I was and 
 fixed it up to take her to a show. Well, 
 when I went out to the house it was a 
 purty small place in behind a grocery store. 
 Pa-pah had on a woolen shirt and was 
 smokin' a pipe. You could see that 
 Mamie was the main screw o' the house 
 and run things to suit herself. The old 
 man 's a hard-workin' old boy, and I think 
 I'm strong with him. The old lady's a 
 little leary of me, but I can win her all 
 right." 
 
 "Is Mamie the one that you've been 
 calling 4 the girl ' all the time ? " asked 
 Miller. 
 
 29
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " She 's the only one that got a Christ 
 mas present from me. And say," he con 
 tinued, lowering his voice so that young 
 Mr. Hall could not hear, "if I ever 
 rent a flat she 's the party that picks out 
 the furniture. That ain't no josh, nei 
 ther."
 
 rHE POOL SHARK
 
 IV 
 
 Both Artie and Miller had been kept 
 at the office unusually late because of 
 the extra work that comes at the end of 
 the month. It was nine o'clock when 
 they left. Miller took Artie by the arm 
 and led him toward a billiard hall, where 
 they frequently had fifteen-ball pool con 
 tests. 
 
 Artie was the better player and usually 
 had to " spot " three. 
 
 The corner table was not in use. With 
 the remark that he would proceed to play 
 pool as " old folks " played it, Artie re 
 moved his coat, pushed his linen cuffs into 
 one of the sleeves, lighted a fat cigar and 
 began a critical inspection of the cues in 
 the rack. Having selected a cue he care 
 fully deposited his cigar at one edge of the
 
 ARTIE 
 
 table and " busted " the fifteen balls with a 
 fierce stroke. 
 
 When the balls stopped rolling they 
 were scattered all over the table, but not 
 one of them had gone into a pocket. 
 
 "A dead rank Jonah," muttered Artie, 
 as he backed away from the table and took 
 a firm bite at his cigar. 
 
 When he became deeply interested in a 
 game of pool, and particularly when he 
 was behind in the count, he dropped his 
 usual talkative mood and became silently 
 earnest and watchful. 
 
 Miller appeared to have caught a win 
 ning stroke, and, although Artie was ex 
 pected to " spot " three, Miller had four 
 balls before Artie made one. Then Artie 
 became actually serious, pulling his cigar 
 still deeper into his mouth and studying 
 the situation carefully before undertaking 
 a shot. 
 
 He did not observe the young man who 
 had drifted over from another table to 
 32
 
 ARTIE 
 
 watch the game until this young man 
 said, in comment on one of Artie's fail 
 ures : " That 's where you ought to have 
 made a bank." 
 
 Artie glanced at him sharply. The 
 young man had a dark mustache, pointed 
 at the ends. His garments bespoke a 
 sporty cheapness and he was smoking a 
 cigarette. 
 
 Artie looked at Miller and said : " I 
 wish I knew where I could get some 
 brainy guy to gi' me lessons on this game." 
 
 The young man smoking the cigarette 
 pretended hot to hear this remark. He 
 leaned against one of the posts and idly 
 watched Miller prepare to make an impos 
 sible shot. 
 
 Strange to say, Miller made the impos 
 sible shot, although the ball did not go 
 into the pocket for which he had vaguely 
 intended it. Miller bore up calmly, as if 
 he were not surprised. 
 
 " Oh, sister," moaned Artie, " I got no 
 33
 
 ARTIE 
 
 show for my life with a man that plays 
 like that. Just shut your eyes every time 
 and you 've got a cinch." 
 
 " That was a lucky play," observed the 
 stranger. 
 
 " Oh, I do n't know," said Artie, 
 regarding the stranger with a sidewise 
 glance. " I do n't know." 
 
 Miller shot again and went out. 
 
 " Now, let 's make it a three-handed 
 game," said the stranger, coming forward. 
 
 Artie stopped short, slowly rubbed his 
 chin and looked at the intruder. " You 
 won 't think I *m too fly if I ask you a 
 question, will you ? " 
 
 " Why, no." 
 
 " Well, where did you get your chips to 
 come in here ? I ain't seen no one 
 haulin' at you to get you in. Your 
 clothes ain't tore, as I can see." 
 
 " Now, there 's no need of makin' a 
 roar," said the stranger, with a conciliating 
 smile. 
 
 34
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Ain 't there ? You 're just tryin' to 
 break into the game, that's all. I s'pose 
 you 're lookin' for cigarette money." 
 
 " Oh, well, if you 're goin' to act that 
 way I do n't care whether I play with you 
 or not. I just thought 
 
 " Drop it ! Do n't try to con me with 
 no such talk. I 'm on to you bigger 'n a 
 house. I know about you and the whole 
 push o* ringers. Me and my friend here 
 play a gentleman's game, understand ? I 
 might stand some show against you, only 
 I do n't take my meals off of a pool table. 
 I ain't no shark that hangs around these 
 places all day lookin' for somethin' easy, 
 and I 'm just foolish enough to think that 
 I 'm too good to play pool with a skin like 
 you." 
 
 " Oh, you make me tired," said the 
 intruder, who had walked away a few 
 paces and then returned, as he evidently did 
 not wish to retreat while he was under fire. 
 
 " Is that so ? " demanded Artie, who still 
 35
 
 ARTIE 
 
 had his cigar in his mouth. " W'y, say, 
 I '11 make book right here that you 're 
 livin' off o' your mother or sister and 
 payin' no board. I know you kind o' 
 geezers like a book. I do n't come in 
 here to give coin to no such stiffs as you. 
 No no not if I 'm on to my job." 
 
 " I guess you 've said about enough," 
 remarked the young man with the mus 
 tache. His cigarette trembled between 
 his stained fingers. 
 
 " Mebbe but I 'm in purty good voice 
 yet, if any one should ask. [ just want 
 to put you next to one thing. When any 
 o' you blokies try to push into a game 
 where I am and get me to put up any 
 dough against your shark combinations 
 w'y, you 're on a dead one. I may be a 
 farmer, but it takes better people than you 
 to sling the bull con into me." 
 
 The stranger turned half-way around 
 and said : " I do n't care to quarrel with 
 you in here. I '11 see you later." 
 36
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Then he started to walk away. 
 
 " Mebbe you will," said Artie, "but 
 you won't be lookin' for me, you big 
 stiff." 
 
 And with that he began digging his cuffs 
 out of his coat-sleeve. 
 
 41 How was it ? >: he asked, grinning at 
 Miller. 
 
 "I thought he was going to fight." 
 
 "Not that boy. He was four-flushin' , 
 I know the brand."
 
 It was not a strange thing, after all 
 the growing friendship between Miller and 
 Artie. 
 
 There is a common theory, and a theory 
 at best, that "birds of a feather flock 
 together," and this may mean that the 
 human being selects for his companions 
 the people who are much like himself in 
 tastes, habits and aspirations. 
 
 Nevertheless, a South Side man, who 
 has written a large book intended to be a 
 guide to happiness and sold by subscription 
 only, claims that a tall man should marry 
 a short woman, a blonde should select a 
 brunette, the quiet man should choose for 
 his partner a vivacious woman and the 
 intellectual giant should give the prefer 
 ence to a housekeeper or a cook. 
 38
 
 ONE O THEM RAH-RAH BOYS
 
 ARTIE 
 
 He points out the obvious disadvantages 
 that would result were an artist to be tied 
 up with an art critic, and depicts the misery 
 obtaining in that household every member 
 of which wishes to do all the talking. 
 
 Miller and Artie got along famously to 
 gether. Miller was the listener and Artie 
 was the entertainer. Miller read books 
 and Artie read the town. 
 
 Miller secretly believed that Artie was 
 a superficial young man, but he had to ad 
 mire his candor and his worldly cleverness. 
 Artie liked Miller because he was a font of 
 sympathy and accepted a confidence in a 
 serious way. 
 
 Miller knew only one kind of people, 
 and these were the three-button-cutaway, 
 standing-collar, derby-hat people of his own 
 reputable station in life. 
 
 Artie had acquaintances in every layer 
 of society. 
 
 Artie's casual reflections on matters 
 about town were so many revelations to 
 39
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Miller, whose ignorance, considering that 
 he belonged to a club and had a library 
 of his own, was appalling. Artie's ordi 
 nary experiences were thrilling adventures 
 and Artie's love affairs and the briskness 
 with which they were conducted, amazed 
 and interested him. 
 
 Miller had always lacked the reso 
 lution to have any love affairs of his own. 
 
 At the close of an unusually dull day in 
 the office Miller and Artie went to a " new 
 place" to eat. It was a dull week when 
 Artie could not find a new restaurant, and 
 he was especially warm in his praise of 
 this latest discovery, because it offered 
 a complete dinner for the comparatively 
 small sum of fifty cents. 
 
 Artie had been in a bad humor all day 
 and had taken out his spite on young Mr. 
 Hall, who had been lolling at his desk 
 throughout the afternoon and writing a 
 long letter to a chum who was attend 
 ing a school somewhere in the east. 
 40
 
 ARTIE 
 
 "Who is he one o' them rah-rah 
 boys with a big bunch o* hair?" asked 
 Artie when young Mr. Hall first spoke of 
 the chum." 
 
 " He 's an awfully nice fellow," re 
 sponded young Mr. Hall, stiffly. He had 
 attended the academy himself and he did 
 not like the reference to " rah-rah boys." 
 
 " I '11 bet he 's one o' them saucy guys 
 that wears a big ribbon. Say, you skipped 
 a couple o* pages there." 
 
 Young Mr. Hall, after filling the first 
 page of his letter, had begun writing on 
 the fourth page. He paid no attention 
 to Artie's sarcasm. After he had filled 
 the last page he opened the sheet and 
 began inside, writing crosswise of the 
 paper. 
 
 Artie, who had been watching with cold 
 disgust, said : " When your old college 
 chum gets that letter it '11 keep him guess- 
 in' where to begin on it." 
 
 Young Mr. Hall smiled rather con 
 4'
 
 ARTIE 
 
 temptuously. " Did n't you ever see a 
 letter written this way?" he asked. 
 
 " Certainly not. I 've been gettin' let 
 ters right along from the nicest people on 
 the South Side and they always begin on 
 'the last page and write it backwards. On 
 the level, I 'm surprised you ain't on to 
 that. Anybody that 'd write that kind 
 of letter could n't play in our set." 
 
 " For goodness' sake, stop ! " exclaimed 
 young Mr. Hall. " You 're getting me so 
 rattled I can't write." 
 
 "W'y, sure, only I was tryin' to put 
 you next to some good pointers. I do n't 
 like to see a nice promisin' boy like you 
 queer himself in sassiety just when he 's at 
 the post." 
 
 " What do you know about society ? " 
 demanded young Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Why, Harold, old chap, I know all 
 about it I know it easy, too. Did n't 
 you see me at the last charity ball ? " 
 
 " I 'd like to see you at a charity ball," 
 42
 
 ARTIE 
 
 said young Mr. Hall, derisively. He was 
 becoming thoroughly exasperated. 
 
 " Oh, I could be there, I guess, if I 
 wanted to. It 's a case o' ten bucks and 
 rentin' one o' them waiter suits. I know 
 boys that went down there and put on a 
 dizzy front, and next day they had to 
 make a hot touch for a short coin so as 
 to get the price of a couple o' sinkers and 
 a good old * draw one.' " 
 
 " Well, that 's all right : let me finish 
 my letter." 
 
 "Go ahead, old fel, I never said a word." 
 
 But he kept on nagging the unhappy 
 young man just the same, and Miller won 
 dered at it, for he had never before seen 
 Artie in such an ugly mood. 
 
 Therefore, when they had reached the 
 restaurant and Artie continued to be glum 
 and unsociable, Miller asked him the direct 
 question : " What 's the matter with you, 
 anyway ? " 
 
 " O, nothin' much. On the hog, that 's 
 43
 
 ARTIE 
 
 all. Been feelin' rotten all day. I did n't 
 want to tell you at the office, but it 's all 
 off with me and the girl." 
 
 "Who? Mamie?" 
 
 "That 's the name, all right. She tossed 
 me in the air. She did n't do a thing. I 
 was a great big mark to ever go chasin' 
 after her in the first place. On the square, 
 Miller, I can't get wise to a girl. Too 
 deep, too deep. Just when you think 
 you 'vegot everything nailed down bing! 
 and it 's all off, see ? " 
 
 Miller admitted that he did n't exactly 
 see. " Have you quarreled?" he asked. 
 
 " Here, I '11 give you the whole busi 
 ness. I goes out there last night, gets 
 there about nine o'clock, and who does I 
 meet comin' out o' the house but a cheap 
 gazabo that was with her the first time I 
 see her. I 've told you, ain't I, how I 
 snared her away from him ? " 
 
 " Yes ; his name was Wilson." 
 
 " Same boy. I told you what he was 
 44
 
 ARTIE 
 
 a horrible Reub; one o* them fellows that 
 you want to get a crack at the minute you 
 see him. You kind o' feel there 's a crack 
 comin' to him. Mame opens the door, and 
 I goes in purty chilly, too. 'Who 's 
 your friend ? ' I says. She puts on as good 
 a front as she can and says, l That 's Mr. 
 Wilson that was up to the dance that 
 night.' 'Well,' I says, c he must be a 
 peach to come around here after the way 
 you turned him down.' She tries to pass 
 it off, and says so-and-so and so-and-so 
 about him bein* soft and writin' notes to 
 her all the time. 'Come off,' I says; l he 
 would n't be writin' notes and comin' 
 'round here unless he had some pull.' " 
 
 " I do n't know about that, Artie," 
 suggested Miller. " Just because a fellow 
 calls on a girl is no sign that she likes 
 him." 
 
 u Yes, but this guy 's an Indian. He 
 won 't do. He do n't belong. It made 
 me crazy to think he 'd been cuttin' in 
 45
 
 ARTIE 
 
 there. Mame tried to give me a con talk 
 and that made me sore. ' Look here,' I 
 says, 1 1 play no understudy to a low card. 
 Now, if you 're stuck on him I '11 cash 
 in right here and drop out o' the game.' 
 She said she was n't stuck on him, but 
 she could n't tell him to keep away from 
 the house. l If I ever find him here you 
 won't need to tell him,' I says. ' I '11 dig 
 into him and tear him to strips.' Then 
 she says : 4 Just because I've got other gen 
 tlemen friends ain't no call for you to 
 walk on me.' " 
 
 " Did she say that ? " 
 
 "That's what she was gettin' at. I 
 says : ' Nay, nay, Pauline ; your own 
 Willie's got to be the whole thing or 
 nothin'. An' I told her if I was beat out 
 I wanted to be done up by somebody be 
 sides a counterfeit. Then she cried and 
 said she 'd never speak to me again, and I 
 says, c Well, there are others,' and with 
 that I goes into the hallway, takes my hat 
 46
 
 ARTIE 
 
 off the hook and ducks, and there you are. 
 Everything off." 
 
 " No, not necessarily. It seems to me 
 
 that you quit her, instead of her quitting 
 
 ,you. Do n't you think you can fix it up ? " 
 
 " Say, it might be squared," and he 
 spoke rather hopefully, " but there 's 
 only one way to fix it with me. That 
 Indian 's got to keep clear off o' that street. 
 You can make book on that."
 
 VI 
 
 Artie and Miller had gone to a matinee 
 on Saturday afternoon. They very seldom 
 did this, but it was a cold and cloudy day, 
 and on such a day the light and warmth 
 of the play-house seemed very attractive. 
 
 After the third act they had walked out 
 to the front of the house and were stand 
 ing in the lobby, when Bancroft Walters 
 came in very hurriedly and started toward 
 the box office. 
 
 Bancroft Walters is the second son of 
 LaGrange Walters, who manufactures a 
 superior kind of roofing and has grown 
 moderately rich at it. 
 
 Bancroft plays the banjo, appears at 
 amateur entertainments, goes to a great 
 many parties, and probably belongs to that 
 48
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Indefinite class known as " society young 
 men." He has a desk in his father's 
 office, but it cannot be said truly that he 
 is held down to office hours or that his 
 salary represents the value of his actual 
 service. He attended an eastern college 
 for two years, and then came home for 
 some reason, which perhaps only his fond 
 and trusting mother could satisfactorily 
 explain. 
 
 She knows it was the fault of the col 
 lege. 
 
 Bancroft is inclined to be dapper, talka 
 tive and wonderfully full of self-assur 
 ance. Then he has that gift of not dis 
 covering that most people regard him as a 
 very ordinary sort of person. 
 
 When Bancroft saw Miller and Artie 
 he smiled and said, " Hello, men." 
 
 " Why, how do you do, Mr. Walters ?" 
 replied Miller. 
 
 Artie said nothing. 
 
 Bancroft bought his seats and then 
 49
 
 ARTIE 
 
 walked over to Artie and slapped him on 
 the back. 
 
 " Well, Artie, have you seen any good 
 mills lately?" he asked. * 
 
 Artie shrugged his shoulders, tightened 
 his lips and said nothing. 
 
 Even then young Mr. Walters did not 
 know that trouble was breeding. 
 
 " I haven 't seen you for a long time, 
 Artie." 
 
 " I seen you since you seen me," re 
 plied Artie. 
 
 "Is that so?" 
 
 " Yes, and I want to tell you somethin', 
 Banny. You 're nothin' but a two-spot. 
 You 're the smallest thing in the deck. 
 Say, I see barrel-house boys goin' around 
 for hand-outs that was more on the level 
 than you are. Now, I '11 put you next to 
 one thing ; I want nothin' to do with 
 you, because I 'm on. I know you 
 see?" 
 
 " What do you know ? What do you 
 50
 
 ARTIE 
 
 mean ? " Bancroft was frowning fiercely, 
 but he was also very red. 
 
 " Chee-e-ese it ! You know what I 
 mean. You can't do nothin' like that to 
 me and then come around afterwards and 
 joily me. Not in a million ! I '11 tell 
 you, you 're a two-spot, and if you come 
 into the same part o' town with me I '11 
 change your face. There 's only one way 
 to get back at you people." 
 
 u I guess I know what you 're talking 
 about now, but I do n't see that I 'm called 
 on to make any explanations," said Wal 
 ters, who was recovering his voice. 
 
 " I do n't want no explanations. I 
 pass you up. All I say is, keep away. I 
 want to mix with white people. I 'm very 
 foolish about that, of course, but it 's a 
 way I 've got. You 're a nice boy, but 
 your work is very coarse, and I 'm givin' 
 it to you right when I say that I 've got a 
 license at this minute to give you a good 
 swift punch." 
 
 Si
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Hold on, Artie," exclaimed Miller, 
 seizing his friend by the arm. Miller was 
 pale. He interfered at the right moment, 
 for Artie 's anger was up and his fist was 
 in readiness. Walters suddenly turned up 
 his collar and said, in a voice trembling 
 with rage : " I 'm not going to have any 
 trouble in this kind of a place." 
 
 Then he turned and walked away with 
 the best show of dignity at his command, 
 while Miller still held Artie by the arm 
 and stared at him. 
 
 For once he believed Artie to be in the 
 wrong. Bancroft had come up and spoken 
 pleasantly enough, and in return Artie had 
 played the part of a bully seeking a pretext 
 for a fight. 
 
 " What made you act that way ? " he 
 demanded. 
 
 " Do you know that boy ? " 
 
 Well, I 've met him." 
 
 " Yes, but you do n't half know him.
 
 ARTIE 
 
 I ought o' smashed him before he opened 
 his face." 
 
 " What 's the trouble between you ?" 
 
 " Oh, well, let it drop. He knows, 
 though. He knows. And I think he '11 
 remember two or three things I told him. 
 Come on in and let 's see the rest of the 
 show." 
 
 They did not enjoy the last act of the 
 play. 
 
 Artie was stiil simmering with indigna 
 tion, and he was also worried to think that 
 Miller had been offended. As for Miller, 
 he could only wonder that Artie had shown 
 such a fierce disposition to fight when 
 there was no apparent provocation. 
 
 As they were leaving the theater Artie 
 said : " I think I '11 just tell you why I 've 
 got it in for that Charley boy. I ain't 
 stuck on tellin' it, for it made me look like 
 a monkey." 
 
 " I could n't imagine what was the 
 
 53
 
 ARTIE 
 
 matter," said Miller. " Walters always 
 seemed to me to be a nice sort of fellow 
 that is, harmless." 
 
 " Harmless ? He threw the boots into 
 me the worst I ever got 'em. Ooh ! He 
 made me feel like a tramp. Say, Miller, 
 if I was to beat his whole face off I could n't 
 ketch even. He got way under the skin 
 on me. Now, this is on the q. t., but did 
 you ever get the worst of it in such a 
 way that you could n't come back at the 
 time, and yet you was so crazy mad that 
 you could V cried ? Well, that was 
 me." 
 
 " I'm surprised." 
 
 " Was n't I ? W'y, I went to school 
 with that guy out on the South Side when 
 my old man had a job in the foundry and 
 old Walters was just beginnin' to get a 
 little dough. The family did n't put on 
 no such lugs in them days. But then, 
 there 's no roar comin' on that, because 
 the old man's as common as dirt, and this 
 54
 
 ARTIE 
 
 same two-spot 's got a sister that can have 
 my seat in the car any time she conies in. 
 I ain't one o' them beefers that 's got it 
 in for people just because they 've got the 
 coin and make a front with it. I 'm out 
 for the stuff myself. But I do hate to sec 
 any of 'em get swelled on account of it." 
 
 " Well, now," said Miller, " it never 
 seemed to me that Walters was that 
 kind." 
 
 " That 's what knocked me the twister. 
 I thought this fellow was all right. I 've 
 known him to speak to ever since we 
 learned to smoke cigarettes together back 
 o the car barns. Here not more 'n six 
 months ago he comes into a restaurant 
 where I was settin'. He was with a lot 
 o' them Prairie avenue boys, and purty 
 soon he ducks 'em and comes over an* 
 touches me for two cases. Now, you 
 know you can't go up and bone a stranger 
 for stuff, can you ? He knew me well 
 enough to get the two."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Did he pay it back ? " 
 
 " Sure he did. I ain't sayin' that he's 
 crooked. I '11 tell you when he give it 
 back to me. It was one night out at the 
 boat club when we was havin' some bouts 
 there. I brought over a handy boy from 
 the West Side to put him against a little 
 fellow from the boxin' school. They told 
 me over west the boy was a world- 
 beater, but, gee ! this North-Sider made a 
 choppin' block out of him. What I was 
 goin' to get at was that Banny was 
 there." 
 
 " Who's Banny ? " 
 
 " That 's his name. We used to call 
 him that when he was a kid. Well, he 
 was out there that night bettin' all kinds 
 o* talk, and you 'd thought I was his long- 
 lost brother. He stood around the corner 
 where I was handlin' my man, and it was 
 1 Artie ' this and c Artie ' that all the time. 
 He loved me that night. Mebbe that 's 
 because he had a few under his belt, but 
 56
 
 ARTIE 
 
 anyway it went with me. I thought the 
 boy was all right." 
 
 Artie paused in his story and put a 
 large cigar into his mouth. Miller reached 
 into his pocket for a match, but Artie 
 shook his head. 
 
 " This is how I found the streak o' 
 yellow in him," said he. " One afternoon 
 the boss sent me out to Grand Crossin' to 
 see a man. I stayed for supper out there 
 and was comin' in on the train along to 
 wards eight o'clock. At one o' them sta 
 tions out there, here comes a whole crowd 
 o' people a lot o' swell girls and their 
 fly boys. The car was nearly full. I 'm 
 alone in a double seat, see ? A girl comes 
 runnin* down the aisle and sets down right 
 across from me and says, 4 Hurry up and 
 grab this place.' Then who comes up 
 and drops into the seat with her but Banny, 
 understand ? I 'm readin' the paper, but I 
 drops it and makes the horrible play. I 
 lifts my derby clear off o' my head ard I 
 57
 
 ARTIE 
 
 says: 4 Good evening ! ' Say, he was four 
 feet away. Say, it was just like you there 
 and me here. This queen with him sees 
 me make the play and kind o' giggles. 
 Mebbe I did n't do it right. But him 
 he turned around sideways in his seat and 
 begins chinnin' her and never sees me at 
 all. Course, you could n't expect him to. 
 I was nearly three feet away and lookin' 
 right at him. Miller, this is straight, so 
 help me. He threw me down. He'd 
 never seen me before. All because he 
 was out with the swell push and had this 
 queen with him. I pulled the paper up in 
 front o* me, and I thought my ears 'd fry 
 and fall off. I was groggy. Never did I 
 get it harder. Talk about a half-hook on 
 the point o' the jaw ! " 
 
 u It was a confounded shame," said 
 Miller, warmly. 
 
 u Say, Miller, am I a vag ? Am I fit 
 to ride on a train with other people ? 
 Would a man queer himself by speakin' 
 58
 
 ARTIE 
 
 to me ? Now, I did n't expect no knock 
 down to his girl. I do n't trot in her class. 
 But to think of that stiff turnin' on me 
 because I spoke to him. That 's what 
 put the hooks into me. I won't forget 
 it never. I was sore, but it was worse 'n 
 that. It made me feel rotten." 
 
 " I 'm not surprised." 
 
 " Well, I did n't see him again till to 
 day. You heard what I said. Well, at 
 that, he 's got the best of it. I never will 
 be able to give him the right kind of a hot 
 come-back for what he done to me."
 
 VII 
 
 One Saturday afternoon Artie Blanchard 
 was enjoying his half-holiday in a manner 
 peculiar to himself. He was battling 
 with the crowd in State street. 
 
 He had his coat-collar turned up and 
 his hat was pulled rakishly forward so that 
 it threatened to produce friction with his 
 eyebrows every time he changed the ex 
 pression of his face. 
 
 He was whistling a little composition 
 that had lately taken possession of his 
 thoughtful moments. It was entitled " I '11 
 Be True to My Honey Boy." 
 
 Artie did not know the tune or the 
 words, so he merely whistled it on specu 
 lation and when he came to the doubtful 
 parts he hurdled. 
 
 60
 
 CHE CONNBLLY GIRL*
 
 ARTIE 
 
 When he grew tired of whistling he 
 smoked a black cigar. * 
 
 Artie was apparently at peace with the 
 world and any one to have seen him shift 
 his cigar from the right pocket of his 
 mouth to the left merely by the play of 
 facial muscles would have said, " Here 's 
 a young man content." 
 
 But Artie, like many other young per 
 sons, never whistled more cheerfully, 
 smoked more hungrily and looked into 
 show windows with more seeming interest 
 than when he was keeping company with 
 a great sorrow. 
 
 It could have been nothing less than the 
 guiding hand of Fate that shoved him 
 around a bevy of women who were carry 
 ing bundles and looking at show windows 
 at the same time, thus contriving to mow 
 down anything and anybody that happened 
 in their way. For Artie immediately got 
 a view of the cause of his sorrow. He 
 would have known her by the sacque 
 61
 
 ARTIE 
 
 alone, but the sprig of plumes on the hat 
 helped in the identification. 
 
 Your ordinary lover would have re 
 treated, palpitating. Considering that when 
 Artie had last seen her she was all tears 
 and that his parting words had been, 
 " There are others," it would have been 
 proper for him to drop back into the 
 moving crowd before she turned from the 
 display of precious furs and saw him there 
 looking at her. 
 
 But Artie did nothing of the kind. 
 
 He walked up to her, brushed some 
 imaginary dust from the bulge of her 
 sleeve, and said : " Hello, girlerino ! How 's 
 everything stackin' ? " 
 
 Mamie turned around and there was a 
 leap of color to her face. 
 
 She said: "Why, Mr. Blanchard." 
 
 "What was you pipin'[ofF the furs?" 
 asked Artie. 
 
 "Yes," with her face half-turned from 
 him* 
 
 63
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Do you see the big sealskin sacque 
 there ? I was lookin' at it the other day. 
 I 'm thinkin' o' buyin' it for a lady friend 
 o' mine." 
 
 Indeed ! " 
 
 By this time she had recovered some 
 what and she spoke with an evident at 
 tempt to be coldly sarcastic. 
 
 " You heard me, did n't you ? I w;nt 
 in and asked the main squeeze o' the works 
 how much the sacque meant to him, and 
 he said I could have it for four hundred 
 samoleons. ' Well/ I says, c that 's a 
 mere bagatelle to me. That would n't 
 keep me in shirt-studs for a month.' " 
 
 He paused for a moment or two, watch 
 ing her all the time, and then he said : 
 " But mebbe you 'd rather have that 
 other one up there. You know what 
 you 'd like." 
 
 Mamie did not look at him and she did 
 not answer. Artie's attempted playful 
 ness was too bearish for her, and Artie 
 63
 
 ARTIE 
 
 seemed suddenly to realize this. He 
 changed his tactics. 
 
 " Mame," he said, putting his forefinger 
 softly against her arm. 
 
 Well ? " 
 
 " Is it fixed up ? " 
 
 " Is what fixed up ? " 
 
 " You know." 
 
 "No, I do n't." 
 
 They were standing side by side, both 
 looking intently into the show-window 
 and talking to it. Their conduct was 
 sufficiently strange to have attracted the 
 attention of the people who brushed 
 against them. But in State street the 
 pedestrians will not give their serious 
 attention to a man unless he does some 
 thing worthy such as falling off a cable 
 car or colliding with the tongue of a 
 wagon. 
 
 " How about my little old picture ? Is 
 it turned to the wall ? " 
 
 " I guess not."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Oh, you 're guessin', are you ? Well, 
 I s 'pose the other boy 's fillin' all my 
 dates ? " 
 
 * That silly thing ! " 
 
 Artie chirruped as if skeptical. " He 's 
 a nice boy," said he, and he added, after a 
 deep sigh, " Nit not." 
 
 Mamie turned to him, and, in a quick 
 flame of earnestness, said : " Artie, you 
 know I can't bear that old thing, and I '11 
 never speak to him again as long as I live." 
 She had tears in her eyes. 
 
 41 You won't be loser anything at that." 
 
 " I 'm going to write to him and let 
 him know something." 
 
 "Why, no; not at all. I 've told you 
 all along that if you 'd give me his address 
 I 'd go around and fix it al! up with 
 him." 
 
 " If it had n't been for him we would n't 
 have " 
 
 " Would n't have put on the gloves, 
 eh ? Well, come on. Let *s be movinV
 
 ARTIE 
 
 He took her by the arm, and then he 
 remembered that it was State street and 
 three o'clock in the afternoon, so he let 
 
 g- 
 
 " I have to meet the Connelly girls in a 
 
 few minutes. I promised them." 
 
 " Shake 'em. You 've got somethin' 
 better than the Connelly girls." 
 
 Mamie gave him a vicrous nudge in the 
 ribs and broke out laughing, and the war 
 was then and there over, before the tears 
 had dried. 
 
 " About Tuesday night, Mame ? " 
 
 " Yes or Monday." 
 
 " Good enough. An' now you come 
 right in here and get into line with a bunch 
 o' violets. There 's nothin' too rich for the 
 sunshine o' the North Side." 
 
 It was not the same Mamie who came 
 out of the florist's wearing violets, and it 
 was not the same Artie who was grinning 
 at her delight over the little present. 
 
 66
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Now, I must go for the Connelly 
 girls," said she. 
 
 " All right. Say, Mame." 
 
 Yes." 
 
 * I '11 just make that to-morrow night."
 
 VIII 
 
 At eight o'clock the front room was 
 gently baking with heat from the base- 
 burner, and the gas-jet, with four scalloped 
 dance programmes dangling from it, was 
 lighted to the utmost. 
 
 On the marble-topped table was the 
 photograph of a tense young man with 
 plastered hair. The picture lay against a 
 metallic prop of fanciful design which was 
 intrenched between the album and a copy 
 of " Lucille." The swollen furniture was 
 ornately jig-sawed and confined in plush, 
 and every piece of it was modestly backed 
 up against the wall. 
 
 The crayon portrait of Mamie's father 
 looked down benignly on this room cleared 
 for action. The portrait represented a 
 bearded fop with a fantastic forelock, a
 
 THE INDIAN
 
 ARTIE 
 
 neck-tie spotted with great accuracy and a 
 shirt-front bearing a lump of gold. On 
 two or three occasions of his life, Mamie's 
 father had borne an approximate resem 
 blance to the man in the frame. 
 
 One occasion was that of the visit to 
 the photographer's and the other was that 
 of the social reception to the executive 
 committee of the Union. In the picture 
 Mamie's father was clean and unwrinkled 
 and he bore a placid, maiden-like ex 
 pression which Mamie had seldom ob 
 served in him. 
 
 The crayon portrait had originally been 
 a bargain for $2.50, and the agent who de 
 livered it had put in a frame at $14. The 
 frame was a boiling foliage of white and 
 silver. With such a picture in the house 
 there was no chance for Mamie to lose re 
 gard for her father. As for the father, he 
 escaped an affliction of pride by remaining 
 in other rooms of the house. 
 
 This crayon portrait dwarfed the " Yard 
 69
 
 ARTIE 
 
 of Roses," the " Wide-Awake" and " Fast 
 Asleep" prints and the other pictures 
 hanging on the walls. It was the lumin 
 ous thing of the front parlor, and it was 
 to the portrait that Artie Blanchard ad 
 dressed himself as he came in from the 
 hallway, with his arm lingering at Mamie's 
 waist, half-way between a caress and a 
 hug. " Hello, old boy," said he, and then 
 he asked Mamie, " How does the old gen 
 tleman stack up ? " 
 
 41 He 's back there now, reading the 
 paper." 
 
 "All right. I was n't lookin' for him." 
 
 Artie pulled out a chair and seated him 
 self in it sidewise. He happened to see 
 the photograph on the table. 
 
 Artie " Well, I 'm not turned to the 
 wall, eh?" 
 
 Mamie " Do n't begin talking that 
 way." 
 
 Artie "I was just kiddin', Mame 
 How's the ma-mah ? " 
 70
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Mamie " She was asking about you 
 to-day." 
 
 Artie " Say, on the square, has she 
 got any time for me ? " 
 
 Mamie (warmly) " Why, of course. 
 She likes you." 
 
 Artie " Well, the ma-mah's got a 
 cold eye in her head. I can't make out 
 whether I 'm strong or not. She ain't 
 the kind of a girl that 'd be afraid to say a 
 few things if she wanted to." 
 
 Mamie "Pooh!" 
 
 Artie "How about the ringer?" 
 
 Mamie " What 's that ? " 
 
 Artie " You know that guy you 
 was goin' to frost. Have you wrote to 
 him ? " 
 
 Mamie (excitedly) " You mean Mr. 
 Wilson. I have n't told you, have I ? " 
 
 Artie " Well, I should say not. Has 
 he been trailin' you again ? " 
 
 Mamie " No, but he wrote to me. 
 
 7
 
 ARTIE 
 
 It 's the funniest thing you ever read. 
 I '11 get you the letter." 
 
 Artie " Gee ! That boy *s a stayer. 
 If he do n't keep off o' my route there '11 
 be people walkin' slow behind him one o' 
 these days. Let 's see what he says." 
 
 {Mamie goes to the adjoining room and re 
 turns with a letter and offers it to Artie?) 
 
 Artie " Go on and spiel." 
 
 Mamie (with a nervous giggle as a pre 
 liminary) " Well, he begins by saying, 
 ' Miss Mary Carroll, My Dear Madam.' " 
 
 Artie '"My Dear Madam.' Wouldn't 
 that cock you, though ? " 
 
 Mamie " Listen." (Reads) 
 
 " I do not know why you should have 
 treated me as you have done. I have always 
 regarded you as a friend, but of late I have come 
 to the opinion that you desire to sever our 
 friendship, seeing that you did not speak when 
 I met you last Sunday eve. If you have 
 anything against me I would like to know in 
 what regards I have not treated you right and 
 72
 
 ARTIE 
 
 like a lady. I am very truly, your obedient 
 servant. GRANT WILSON." 
 
 Artie " That 's a good thing. I 
 wonder where he got next to that fancy 
 'pass about severin* friendships. I '11 make 
 that foxy boy think somebody 's severed 
 him if I take a crack at him. Did you 
 answer it, Mame ? " 
 
 Mamie " Not yet. Would you ? " 
 
 Artie "Sure! I'd send him one 
 that 'd burn a hole in the mail-sack. You 
 get your little old sheet of paper and I '11 
 tip you off a few things to tell that boy. 
 I' 11 bet you all kinds of money that I 
 can send him somethin' that he '11 talk 
 about in his sleep. You get the paper." 
 
 (Mamie goes to the next room and returns 
 with writing material. She removes the 
 photograph album and then seats herself at 
 the table ready to write. An attack of the 
 
 Artie " Chop the laughin'. Go on 
 and write to him. I '11 tell you what to 
 73
 
 ARTIE 
 
 say. Just begin this way, c You 're all 
 right but you won't do.' >: 
 
 Mamie " No, no, Artie, please no. 
 I do n't want to say it that way. Besides, 
 I 've got to address him first. Now, what 
 shall I call him ? " 
 
 Artie " You could call him a good 
 many things and make no error, I '11 tell 
 you those." 
 
 Mamie "I know, but shall 1 say 
 * Mr. Wilson, Sir,' or just * Dear Sir ?' " 
 
 Artie "Naw, not in a thousand. 
 What do you want to jolly him for ? 
 Get in plenty o* rough work right from 
 the start. Throw it into him hard. Call 
 him c foolish Wilson boy.' You 've got 
 to wallop one o' them people to make 'em 
 understand. Just say, c Get out o' town 
 and keep quiet and you may live to see 
 the flowers again.' If you give him that 
 easy talk he '11 think you 're leadin* him 
 on. Let me write to his nobs and /'// fix 
 him. (Artie takes the pen and writes for a 
 74
 
 ARTIE 
 
 few moments, Mamie watching him and 
 suppressing giggles?) Now, how 's this ? 
 This is the real stuff. (Reads?) 
 
 " ' I just received your nervy letter. You are 
 all right, but you won't do. Do not come into 
 our ward or I will have you pinched. Remem 
 ber, I never saw you before in all my life. 
 You are worse than a stranger to me. I would 
 advise you to stop smokin' that double-X brand 
 of dope, because it gives you funny dreams. By 
 fallin' off the earth you will oblige.' ' 
 
 Mamie (on the verge of hysterics) 
 " Oh-h-h-h.h ! What would he think if 
 I sent him a letter like that ? " 
 
 Artie " He 'd think he was up against 
 the cold outside, and that 's where he is, 
 huh?" 
 
 Mamie " Of course. You know 
 that." 
 
 (Artie drops the pen, and with great cau 
 tion wraps his arm around her waist?) 
 
 TABLEAU. 
 
 75
 
 IX 
 
 On that morning Artie had come in a 
 half-hour late. 
 
 His " Good morning, people," was dry 
 and husky, and after he had seated himself 
 ^t his desk he put his left palm up to his 
 forehead, sighed deeply, and said, without 
 addressing any one in particular : " The 
 boy that wrote that song about l Oh, what 
 a difference in the morning,' was on to his 
 job. I 've got a set o' coppers on me this 
 g. m. that 'd heat a four-room flat and my 
 mouth tastes like a Chinese family 'd just 
 moved out of it." 
 
 "Another poker party ? " asked Miller. 
 
 u Guess again. Worse 'n any poker 
 
 party. A bat a real old bat. Pazoo- 
 
 oo-oom ! Ooh ! Mebbe you think I ain 't 
 
 got a lulu of a head on me this morning. 
 
 76
 
 HE BATTLE-AX
 
 ARTIE 
 
 I ought to be out at the Washin'tonian 
 home with the rest o' them stills and 
 hypos." 
 
 " You do n't mean to say that you were 
 loaded ?" inquired Miller, leaning over 
 his desk and lowering his voice so that 
 young Mr. Hall should not hear. 
 
 " To the guards. Up to here," and 
 Artie, elevating his chin, drew a fore 
 finger across his Adam's apple. 
 
 " Well, I declare," said Miller, and in 
 his voice were both sorrow and reproof. 
 
 " Jump on to me," said Artie, as he tried 
 to rub the sleep out of his eyes. " You 
 can't make me feel any sorer 'n I was 
 when I woke up this morning. My head 
 reached out over two pillows. I did n't 
 do a thing to the water pitcher, neither. 
 When I tossed that water into me it 
 sounded like when a blacksmith sticks a 
 red-hot horseshoe into a tub of water. 
 That V no dream, neither." 
 
 " How did it happen ? " 
 77
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " How does any o' them things happen? 
 After playin' three or four games o' pool 
 I starts out to get a car and I ain't got 
 it yet. That 's always the way good 
 thing, too. Say, Miller, there ain't many 
 men that go out huntin' a tide. It *s a 
 case of meetin' a friend and him sayin' 
 somethin', and then another friend and he 
 loosens, and then you come up, and then 
 the first man thaws again and nobody 
 wants to welch on the proposition, and 
 they keep comin' along and you 're a good 
 fellow, see ? and do n't want to be a quit 
 ter, and the first thing you know you 're 
 up against it, and you do n't care whether 
 there 's any night cars runnin' or not." 
 " Is that what happened last night ? " 
 "About it. I meets Billy Munster, 
 and if you ever trotted a heat with him 
 you know that he 's one o'f the biggest 
 jolliers that ever come over the hills, and 
 when it comes to bowlin' well, he pours 
 a drink that 'd make any bar-tender quit 
 78
 
 ARTIE 
 
 bein* sociable. Did you ever try his 
 game ? " 
 
 " I never heard of him." 
 
 " You 've missed a whole lot. He 's 
 got a job over at the city hall. I never 
 see him do a stroke of work, but he can 
 always make a flash o* the long green, 
 and I guess it 's easy money, too, from 
 the way he lets go of it. I Ve heard he 
 gets his bit on nearly every good thing that 
 comes along. What his pull is I never 
 could figure out. Every time I see him 
 over at the city hall he 's whisperin' to 
 one o' them red-necked boys and fixin' 
 it up to give somebody the double-cross. 
 At that, he 's a good fellow. I think he '^ 
 mace a sucker if he got half a chance, 
 but after he got the dough he M spend it 
 freely. That's the kind of a boy he is, 
 and last night he had a roll that you could 
 'a' stopped up a window with. The 
 minute I meets him he steers me into 
 a joint, makes me heave in a couple 
 79
 
 ARTIE 
 
 and then says : l Come on ; I 've got a 
 good thing for you.' ' Nit,' I says, because 
 I knew his gait. I says: * I 've seen 
 enough o' them sunrises over old Lake 
 Michigan.' c No,' he says ; 4 on the level; 
 we '11 just drop into the music hall and 
 stay a little while.' So I goes." 
 
 " You ought to have gone on home." 
 " Sure ; we all know that the next day. 
 But I goes just the same. We had n't 
 been in there ten minutes till Billy dug up 
 a 'longshoreman with gold in her teeth and 
 was buyin' beer for her. He kept 'em 
 comin' fast and I could n't dodge 'em. 
 Purty soon I was joinin' in the chorus, and 
 I guess from that stage o' the game they 
 did n't have to pull at me to keep me up 
 and comin.' When the song-bird come 
 out to do her turn I could see two of her. 
 I guess this girl that Billy knew spotted us 
 for a couple of easy marks, for she floated 
 away somewhere and come back with a 
 friend o' hers." 
 
 80
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Artie stopped in his narrative and gave 
 a low, buzzing whistle. " You ought to 
 seen her." 
 
 "Why?" asked Miller, and he had to 
 smile in anticipation. 
 
 " Say, there was a battle-ax if ever you 
 see one. She had a face on her that 'd fade 
 flowers. It had one o' them calcimine hard 
 finishes. You can guess how far along I 
 was when I did n't shy at it. And oh, 
 the haughty front that she put up. She 
 said she was an actorine. 'What troupe?' 
 I says. 'Well,' she says, 'at present I 'm 
 restinV I '11 bet a dollar she never done 
 nothin' on the stage but carry a shield, 
 but to hear the guff she was throwin' 
 out you 'd think she could make Ellen 
 Terry look like a Friday night amatoor. 
 Oh, she was a bird. I think her name 
 was Gladys. If she come in this room 
 now I 'd jump out o' that window, and 
 last night when I was sloppy I thought 
 she was the best ever. That just goes 
 81
 
 ARTIE 
 
 to show what the hop-juice '11 do for 
 you." 
 
 " How long did you stay there ? M 
 " Till the whole works was closed. I 
 bought drinks for this pelican friend o* 
 mine till she hollered for me to stop, 
 and then I says to Billy, I says : c Let 's 
 take the ladies out and give 'em a little 
 supper.' That was me said that, under 
 stand ? It was only a little after mid 
 night, you know the mere shank o' the 
 evening and I could n't think o' startin' 
 home as early as that. Oh, no. Little 
 Artie had to go and give the ladies some 
 supper. You know how liberal a guy is 
 about that time o' night. He do n't like to 
 take no money home with him. Billy was 
 right with me, of course. He 's a stayer 
 from Stayersville. We got out o' the 
 music hall I remember that and the 
 next thing I can cipher out was that we 
 got to the restaurant and I was pleadin' 
 with my tall friend to just go right ahead 
 82
 
 ARTIE 
 i 
 
 and order anything she wanted. Well, 
 she was fly enough to do that. Little 
 Gladys was more 'n seven. I think it 'd be 
 about an even-money break that she 's 
 seven times seven. She ordered nearly 
 everything on the bill and I guess I went 
 to sleep with my face in a plate.. That 's 
 after Billy had ordered two or three more 
 rounds. Oh, he 's a wonder, that boy. 
 I do n't know where he stows it." 
 
 Artie took a full breath and once more 
 felt of his head. 
 
 " That 's about all I remember," said 
 he, " except payin' the check and havin' 
 Billy take me over to the hotel. It must 
 V been three o'clock when I got to bed 
 and I pounded my ear till past seven. 
 I *ve had a nice breakfast. It was a tall 
 tub o' seltzer lemonade. Talk about 
 old R. E. Morse ; I 'm full of it this 
 morning. This is the first time I 've had 
 a day-after head in many moons, and if 
 you ever ketch me with another one you 
 83
 
 ARTIE 
 
 can take a ball club and hammer the life 
 out o' me. Now, that goes." 
 
 " What do you think Mamie would say 
 if she knew you had been out with this 
 other girl ? " asked Miller, rather severely. 
 
 " Stop it, Miller. Do n't go to rubbin' 
 it in. I got trouble enough to-day without 
 thinkin' o' that. If she 'd ever saw me 
 with that fairy I would n't be deuce high 
 with her now. You could n't blame her 
 neither. What do you think of a chump 
 that 'd pass up a four-time winner to go 
 and play his money against a sellin' plater, 
 and a has-been at that? I did n't put you 
 on to the good thing though, did I ? Last 
 night I had nine cases. This morning 
 when I frisked myself I "could n't turn 
 up only sixty cents. I just fed eight big 
 iron louies into that game last night. I 
 do n't know how I '11 ever keep up the 
 bluff o' workin' to-day. How do I look?" 
 
 'You look knocked out." 
 
 "Well, I feel the part." 
 84
 
 MR. CARROLL
 
 ** I 've got it to do," said Artie, " and 
 I s 'pose I 'd better put on the best front 
 I can and play it out." 
 
 41 There 's nothing to be afraid of," 
 suggested Miller. 
 
 " Do n't tell me nothin' about that 
 game. I know just what it '11 be. On 
 the dead, I 'd give a ten-case note to be 
 out of it, but Mame would n't have it 
 that way. She said she 'd promised the 
 Connelly girl, and there you are. I 'm 
 goin' to be the head knocker in the push. 
 It 's a case of gettin' a day off and seein* 
 the thing through from soda to hock. We 
 got to meet at the house and go from there 
 in a carriage." 
 
 " You '11 enjoy it," said Miller, smiling. 
 
 " What, doin' the slow march up the 
 85
 
 ARTIE 
 
 aisle and then standin' there while the 
 main guy spiels and all that business ? 
 Not on your tintype. I '11 make a mis- 
 cue somewhere ; you see if I do n't." 
 
 " You 'd better get used to it and find 
 out how it 's done. Some of these 
 days you '11 have to go through the mill 
 yourself." 
 
 " Say, that 's what I told Mame, ana 
 you ought o' seen her. She blushed up 
 and got rattled and could n't say a word." 
 
 " She understood what you meant, 
 did n't she ? " 
 
 "Well, I guess she was keen enough 
 to make a good, warm guess at it." 
 
 Miller gazed at Artie for a few moments 
 and then said: " It 's none of my business, 
 Artie, but you two are engaged, are n't 
 you ? " 
 
 Artie swallowed something and seemed 
 to be considerably embarrassed. 
 
 "Miller," said he, confidentially ,"you've 
 asked me a hard one. On the level, I 
 86
 
 do n't know whether we 've got it fixed 
 up or not. You know my style of play. 
 I can kid all right, but when it comes to 
 makin' a dead serious play I 'm a horrible 
 frost. I 'm the worst that ever come up 
 the pike. Between you and me and the 
 desk here, I think she knows that it 's 
 goin' to be a marry as soon as things come 
 right. But as for me ever comin' to the 
 scratch and sayin', c Here, how it is ? Do 
 you want to open my mail ? ' w'y, I 
 never had the face to do it yet." 
 
 " I thought you had nerve enough to 
 do anything." 
 
 " Miller, let me put you next to some- 
 thin'. I know a bad man on the West 
 Side that can lick his weight in wildcats 
 and bluff any four or five common dubs, 
 and he 's got a wife that weighs about 
 ninety pounds that '11 give him just one 
 look and he Ml crawl under a table. He 's 
 dead stuck on her, and she can do anything 
 she wants to with him. It ain't that he 
 87
 
 ARTIE 
 
 ain 't got nerve enough. What is it, then ? 
 Huh ? " 
 
 " You 're getting too deep for me, 
 Artie," said Miller, shaking his head. 
 " What I meant was that I thought you 
 knew Mamie so well you could be per 
 fectly free and candid with her." 
 
 " I 'm an easy runner till it comes to the 
 high jump and then I quit cold. I 
 can jolly and have fun and put my 
 arm around her, but when it comes 
 to takin' her by the mit and doin' the 
 straight talk nit, and again nit. Two 
 or three times here lately I Ve said to 
 myself : 4 W'y, you big stiff, brace up 
 and get through with it before you go 
 daffy.' Then I think I 'm all right, see ? 
 But as soon as I get with her all that 
 brace fades on me and I say : l What 's 
 the good ? Next week '11 do just as well.' 
 Besides, would n't I make a picture if 
 she 'd stand me off ? " 
 
 " It seems to me that when she asked 
 88
 
 ARTIE 
 
 you to stand up with her at this wedding 
 that was about as strong a hint as you 
 could ask. You do n't expect her to come 
 right out, do you ? " 
 
 " No, but I feel a good deal like a guy 
 that I meet out at the boat club. He 
 says that if he asked a girl to marry him 
 and she said c yes,' he 'd begin to think her 
 judgment was purty rotten. I don't 
 s'pose anybody on top of earth can beat 
 my time with Mame, but what she sees in 
 me to get stuck on is what keeps your 
 Willie boy guessin'. " 
 
 " What does any woman see in any 
 man ? " asked Miller, gravely, somewhat 
 gratified that Artie had taken up with a 
 social theme of such magnitude. 
 
 " Sometimes she sees a roll o' the long 
 green," replied Artie, " but Mame must 
 have good eyesight if she can find any pile 
 belongin' to me. You can turn them X 
 rays on to my bank-book and not find 
 enough dough to fit up a flat." 
 89
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " She 's not after your money." 
 
 " No, you can gamble she ain't. I 
 s'pose it's because I 'm young and good." 
 
 " Yes, because you never drink or stay 
 out nights." 
 
 " Break away ! I 'm tryin' to forget 
 all about that. That 's one reason I give 
 in to Mame on this weddin' proposition. 
 I felt so ornery about the night that me 
 and Munster laid open the town that I 'd 
 'a' done most anything to get even with 
 myself. She said the Connelly girl and 
 her had gone to school together and 
 had been travelin' as a team, and that 
 Florence would n't have nobody else to 
 play first mate when the thing was pulled 
 off. And she says : l You do n't want 
 nobody else to stand up with me, do 
 you ? ' That kind o' jolted, and I told 
 her I was n't stuck on puttin' in an un 
 derstudy, and so I promised to go against 
 the game."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Do you know this girl that 's to be 
 married ? " 
 
 " I 've seen her two or three times, but 
 she always had the mash along. The two 
 of 'em went with Mame and me over to 
 Turner Hall one night. Oh, but they was 
 gone on each other. His name 's Tommy 
 Bradshaw and he runs a cigar store. They 
 say he does a nice little business and be 
 longs with the real boys, but every time I 
 ever see him he was a lobster. You 
 could n't drag him more 'n six feet away 
 from his sure thing. He kept tab on her 
 every minute. He 'd set there holdin* her 
 fan and whisperin' to her, and he did n't 
 want no one else to cut in. I thought 
 his work was very coarse. There 's no 
 need of a man goin' nanny just because 
 he 's copped out a nice girl all for him 
 self." 
 
 " Well, Artie, when a man *s in love 
 you can 't hold him accountable."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " That 's no dream, neither. Any one 
 that 's got his head full o' the girl proposi 
 tion 's liable to go off his trolley at the 
 first curve. I would n't J ve believed it six 
 months ago, but if that North Side won 
 der 'd turn on me now and gi' me the 
 marble heart, I tell you it 's a safe money 
 guess that I 'd go and jump in the lake." 
 
 " Yes, and your old friend Wilson 
 would be back courting Mamie." 
 
 " Yes, he would, would he ? If she 
 ever passes me up it '11 be for some guy 
 that hauls a good deal more freight than 
 that Indian does."
 
 TOMMY
 
 XI 
 
 A large yellow rose drooped from 
 Artie's lapel as he came into the office on 
 Thursday morning. 
 
 " Hark, I think I hear them weddin' bells. 
 Tingaly-ting, tingaly-ting, ting-ting-ting." 
 
 As he sung this, he put one hand behind 
 his ear and stood in the listening attitude 
 so commonly affected by neat song-and- 
 dance artists. 
 
 "Aha! The best man, I believe?" 
 said Miller, moving back from his desk 
 and regarding Artie's specialty with keen 
 delight. 
 
 " You know it," replied Artie, " you 
 know it. I was the stroke oar at the 
 doin's, and while I ain't throwin' any 
 bouquets at myself I must say that me 
 and Mame was the hit o' the piece." 
 
 93
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " You got through all right, then ? " 
 
 " A little slow on the get-away, but I 
 made a Garrison finish. I was runnin* in 
 strange company, too, but as soon as I 
 got the pace they could n't head me." 
 
 " Tell me all about it. You and Mamie 
 really stood up with them, did you ? " 
 
 " Did we ? Ain't I tellin' you that we 
 done the pacemakin'? I give Mame a 
 wad o' roses that laid over anything the 
 bride could flash, and mebbe you think she 
 was n't in good form. Oh, doctor ! She 
 looked out o' sight ! Some of 'em have got 
 their sealskins and their sparklers, but this 
 little girl, with that new make-up and the 
 flowers, beat the best of 'em. I '11 back 
 her against all comers, bar none. Talk 
 about your peaches, why, she 's a whole 
 orchard ! That 's no Hungarian joke, 
 neither." 
 
 " By George, Artie, you are hard hit," 
 said Miller, laughing. 
 
 " You 're dead right there, an' I make 
 94
 
 ARTIE 
 
 no bones about it. She 's got me landed 
 and strung. Say, you must think I 'm a 
 prize gilly to set around here and give up 
 my insides to you about her, but I '11 tell 
 you, Miller, you 're the only man that I 'd 
 tell some things to, and I cough up to you 
 because I know that you 're a good fellow 
 and understand that puttin' aside all 
 this kid talk " 
 
 " That 's all right, Artie. You need n't 
 be afraid of me telling any one. There is 
 nothing to be ashamed of, anyway. Every 
 man falls in love sooner or later." 
 
 " Love ! There 's a word that makes 
 me weary, but on the square, that 's 
 what I 've got. It 's a sure-enough case. 
 Where 's Hall ? " 
 
 " I think he 's out collecting to-day." 
 
 " I 'm glad of it. I do n't like to say 
 too much in front o' that boy. He do n't 
 know any more 'n the law allows, and since 
 he 's started to that dancin' school I think 
 he hears funny noises under his bonnet." 
 95
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Are you going to tell me about that 
 wedding ? " asked Miller, impatiently. 
 
 " Well, it was a bird. We did n't 
 break into the sassiety notes, but that cuts 
 no ice in our set. It took all day to 
 'pull it off. Mame told me to come 
 straight to the Connelly house, because 
 she had to go there early in the morning. 
 Her and the other Connelly girl was 
 handlin' the bride. It was nearly ten 
 o'clock when I got there, and there was a 
 big push in the front room Mame's 
 mother, old man Connelly, Mrs. Connelly, 
 Tommy Bradshaw he was the main guy, 
 you know one o' Tommy's brothers 
 from the South Side and a chilly mug by 
 the name of Parker, some relation to 
 Tommy. This frosty party was doin' 
 the touch-me-not business all day, an' you 
 could n't get him to take his gloves off. 
 Tommy new suit, new white necktie, 
 new dicer, new shoes. When he 'd lean 
 back and throw one leg over the other, 
 96
 
 ARTIE 
 
 just to show that he was takin' it dead 
 easy, you could see the yellow soles o' them 
 shoes. He was washed and combed till 
 he did n't look right. Say, you could smell 
 the bay-rum clear across the room. I 
 think he overdone it, myself. And say, 
 you ought o' seen him when Mame's 
 mother started to throw the harpoon into 
 him." 
 
 " The harpoon ? " inquired Miller. He 
 had known Artie for a long time, but 
 occasionally the boy was too versatile for 
 him. 
 
 " Sure, the stringin' business. That 
 old girl 's a wonder. You see, here was 
 Mrs. Connelly settin' there snifflin' and 
 drippin' around as if she was goin' to bury 
 the daughter instead of stakin' her to a 
 cigar store. That worried old man Con 
 nelly, and so Mame's mother tried to jolly 
 the crowd up by playin' horse with 
 Tommy. She 'd say : l Well, Mr. Brad- 
 shaw, you 're a very handsome man in 
 97
 
 ARTIE 
 
 your new clothes,' and then throw me the 
 wink. Then she 'd ask him if he 'd back 
 out if he had the chance and how many 
 girls he 'd been engaged to before. She 
 had him balled up till he could n't say 
 a word. No use, though; Mrs. Con 
 nelly kept moppin' her eyes and every 
 little while sayin' 4 Ah-h-h-h,' like that. 
 I guess it was n't put on, though. She 
 was probably broke up. Women are 
 different." 
 
 " Oh, yes," assented Miller, " she hated 
 to lose her daughter." 
 
 " I do n't believe it was that. She 
 claimed it was the happiest day of her life, 
 and then as soon as she said it she com 
 menced to leak again. But you ought 'o 
 seen old man Connelly. Oh, he 's a 
 great old tad has charge o' the wagons 
 for one o' them Franklin street wholesale 
 houses. They say he makes good money. 
 Well, yesterday he was up against a new 
 proposition. He was all togged out and 
 98
 
 ARTIE 
 
 had a collar that was chokin* the life out 
 of him. All he could do was to wipe his 
 mouth on the back of his mit and kind o' 
 trail after the others. What do you think ? 
 At the church he wanted to slide into a 
 back seat and let the rest of us go up 
 front. 'Come on,' I says; 'be a good 
 fellow and stay with us.' He said he 
 could see all right from where he was, 
 but his wife yanked him out and made 
 him stick." 
 
 " When did you get to the church ? " 
 " It was after twelve o'clock, all right. 
 W'y, we give a parade three carriages 
 we had. I had n't hardly had a chance 
 to see Mame in her new clothes till we 
 got in the carriage with Florence and 
 Tommy. Florence had about twenty 
 yards o' this mosquito-bar stuff hangin' 
 to her and was made up great, but even 
 at that she could n't get better 'n place 
 with Mame in the runnin'. She 's a nice 
 girl, though. I do n't want to back-cap 
 99
 
 ARTIE 
 
 her. She was rattled and so was Tommy. 
 All the way to the church they did n't say 
 more 'n twenty words, and that was about 
 how glad she was the sun had come out 
 and wantin' to know if Mr. Parker was 
 in the carriage behind. Tommy grinned 
 and looked foolish. To tell the truth I 
 got kind o' nanny myself when we stop 
 ped in front of the church and piled out. 
 Mame was all right, though. She froze 
 to me and steered me through without an 
 error. There was a wait just inside when 
 old man Connelly balked on 'em, but 
 after that everything went smooth. About 
 a dozen ringers followed us in and stood 
 around rubberin'." 
 
 " Well, what did you have to do ? " 
 inquired Miller, with growing interest. 
 
 "I done nothin' but stick to Mame. 
 All but us four got planted in front seats 
 and looked on. There was a long spiel 
 by the high guy in the pulpit, and we 
 shifted two or three times, and that 's about 
 
 100
 
 ARTIE 
 
 all I know, except that Tommy agreed to 
 a lot o' business that's enough to set any 
 boy a-thinkin' if he goes against the game. 
 Oh, I forgot. It was right in the dead 
 serious part, just when Florence and 
 Tommy put their lunch-hooks together. 
 1 They 're off, ' I whispered to Mame, and 
 she came purt' near bustin' out and queerin' 
 the whole act. She roasted me good and 
 hard for it afterwards." 
 
 " What did you do after the ceremony ? " 
 
 " Say, the ceremony was just the first 
 part o' the show. When we got out o' 
 the church Florence's mother was cryin* 
 again and kissin' everybody except me and 
 the old man. We ducked on her. They 
 loaded up the carriages again and all but 
 us four went back to the house. We 
 went over to get some photographs." 
 
 " Oh, I see." 
 
 " Well, I should say so. You 've al 
 ways got to have one o' them bride-and- 
 groom pictures in the house whether
 
 ARTIE 
 
 there's anything to chew or not. They 
 wanted me and Mame to go along, so we 
 rode over and watched 'em. Tommy was 
 all right by that time. He 'd got his nerve 
 back, and he was real Charley-horse, 
 joshin' me and Mame, and sayin : 4 That 's 
 all right. Some time I '11 come and see 
 you two hitched up.' Was n't that a raw 
 deal, huh ? There I was I'd never 
 said nothin' to Mame about the marry 
 deal, and he was takin' it for granted that 
 everything was set. He was too new 
 about it. I never did like his work. But 
 Mame say, she passed it off smoother 'n 
 silk. She just give him the ha-ha and 
 says : l That '11 be all right. You '11 get 
 your bid when the shootin' match comes 
 off/" 
 
 " She did n't call it a ' shooting- 
 match' ? " 
 
 " Naw ! I 'm just tellin' you, you know. 
 Well, they got their pictures, her a settin' 
 down with the flowers in her lap and him
 
 ARTIE 
 
 standin' behind with one of his fins kind 
 o' hid in that mosquito bar. Then we all 
 drove back to the house to feed our faces." 
 " Oh, you had a wedding dinner ? " 
 " Did we ? That was where I cut 
 loose. That was where I got good. I 
 made a speech, just for a kid, you know, 
 but it started 'em all but that cold guy. I 
 did n't get away till nine o'clock. We 
 fed an' then we smoked and danced, and 
 old man Connelly played the flute rotten, 
 thank you. Mame was the star, too 
 Do n't forget it. Honest, we had a 
 good time. Them people up there 's goof* 
 enough for me. No frills, but they 're o v> 
 the level, and when it comes down to C3'-^s 
 they 're just as good as a lot of people that 
 make a bigger front. They got heai s in 
 the right place. It 's like a man out at 
 the boat club says, l If you can 't travel 
 with the bell-cows, why stick to the gang.' 
 That 's wise talk, too." 
 
 103
 
 XII < 
 
 After a hurried luncheon at one of the 
 places where patrons help themselves and 
 compute their own checks, Miller and 
 Artie took a walk on the sunny side of 
 the street. 
 
 Artie was not as talkative as usual, and, 
 as Miller seldom did more than encourage 
 a conversation once started, the two saun 
 tered for several minutes in silence. 
 
 Then Artie spoke abruptly. " Miller," 
 said he, " I got a hen on." 
 
 "What is it?" 
 
 " It 's like this. Would you dally with 
 politics if you thought you stood to win 
 out a good thing ?" 
 
 " That depends. You 're not going into 
 politics, are you ? " 
 
 " They Ve got me entered, but I don 't 
 104
 
 THE MAIN SQUEEZE
 
 ARTIE 
 
 know whether I '11 start or not. I 'm 
 leary of it; I do n't mind tellin' you those." 
 
 " What do you mean ? " 
 
 " Well, mebbe you won 't understand. 
 I do n't like to feature myself, but in that 
 precinct where I hang out I 'm purty 
 strong. I 'm a good mixer and I 've kind 
 o' got next to the live ones, and if I do 
 say it myself I think there 's a lot of the 
 boys that 'd vote my way if I went after 
 'em hard. Do you know Jim Landon ? " 
 
 " Who is he ? " 
 
 " He 's the main squeeze in our ward, 
 or any way he used to be. He 's one o 5 
 the aldermen, and he 's out for it again, 
 but good and scared that he can 't win 
 out. He come tome last night at Hoover's 
 cigar store and give me a big talk. What 
 he wants is for me to come to the front for 
 him strong. He knows I 've got a drag 
 in the precinct, and he says if I '11 jump 
 in and do what I can for him he '11 see 
 that I got a good job in the town offices, 
 105
 
 ARTIE 
 
 where I can cop out about twice what I 'm 
 gettin' now. Of course I 'm out for the 
 long green but I do n't know about this 
 deal." 
 
 " Does he stand a good chance of being 
 elected ? " 
 
 " That 's what keeps me guessin*. Two 
 years ago he win in a walk, but this spring 
 he had to do all kinds o' funny work to 
 get the nomination. There 's a lot o* 
 people in the ward that 's got their ham 
 mers out and they 're knockin' him all 
 they can. They '11 put a crimp in him if 
 things come their way." 
 
 " What 's the matter with him, any 
 way?" 
 
 " Oh, they kind o' think he 's done too 
 well. Two years ago he was on his 
 uppers and now he 's got money to burn. 
 There 's some o' them guys out in our 
 ward can 't make out how it is that Jimmy 
 can afford to buy wine at four bucks a 
 throw when he 's only gettin' three a week 
 106
 
 ARTIE 
 
 out o' the job. They say they can *t 
 stand for that kind o' work, and so there 's 
 a lot o' them church people that boosted 
 him two years ago that 's out now to skin 
 him. They 've put up a new guy against 
 him and he 's makin' a nasty fight." 
 
 " I don 't understand yet what they 've 
 got against your man." 
 
 " W 'y, they 're crazy at him. You see 
 two years ago he made the play that if 
 they put him in he was goin' down to the 
 city hall and change the whole works. 
 He was goin' to clean the streets and jack 
 up the coppers and build some more school- 
 houses. Jimmy says to 'em : 4 Throw 
 things my way and I '11 be the Johnny- 
 on-the-spot to see that everything 's on the 
 level.' The talk was so good it went. 
 Well, you know what happened to Jimmy 
 when he got down there with them Indians 
 and begin to see easy money. He had n't 
 been in on the whack-up six weeks till he 
 was wearing one o' them bicycle lamps in 
 107
 
 ARTIE 
 
 his neck-tie and put tin' in all his time at 
 the city hall waitin' for the easy marks to 
 come along and throw up their hands." 
 
 " I see. He turned out to be a bood- 
 ler, eh ? " 
 
 41 1 do n't see no way o' gettin' past it. 
 I like Jimmy. He 's one o' them boys 
 that never has cold feet and there 's nothin' 
 too good for a friend, but, by gee, I guess 
 when it comes to doin' the nice, genteel 
 dip he belongs with the smoothest of 'em. 
 And he learned it so quick, too. Ooh ! " 
 
 " Artie, that kind of a man is a thief 
 and that 's all you can make out of it,'* 
 said Miller, with presbyterian severity. 
 
 " Mebbe that ain't no lie, neither. He 
 would n 't go out with a piece o' lead pipe 
 or do any o' that strong-arm work, but if 
 Jimmy saw a guy puttin' dough into 
 his pocket he would n't let on. You 
 would n't have to feed him no knock 
 out drops to make him take the coin, I 
 guess. But the nerve o' the boy ! He 
 108
 
 ARTIE 
 
 won 't never let on that he 's handled any 
 crooked money. When he was staked to 
 the office he did n't have a sou markee 
 except what was tied up in a bum little 
 grocery store. Now he 's got too strong 
 to tend store and his brother-in-law 's 
 runnin' it. He do n't do a thing in the 
 world except travel around with some more 
 o' them handy boys and lay for jack-pots. 
 And the talk he gives you ! Mamma ! 
 He 's better 'n any o' them shell-workers 
 that used to graft out at the gover'ment 
 pier. W'y, he can set down and show you 
 dead easy that he done all that funny votin' 
 because it was a good thing for the workin' 
 boys. Sure ! That 's why he wants to stay 
 in, too so as the tax-payers won 't get 
 the short end of it. On the square, if I 
 had his face I 'd start out sellin' them gold 
 bricks to Jaspers." 
 
 " You do n't mean to say that he has 
 any chance of being elected again ? " 
 
 " Oh, he 's got a chance all right. He 's 
 109
 
 ARTIE 
 
 gone right down into his kick and dug up 
 the long green and he 's puttin* it out at 
 the booze joints. Some o' the saloons 
 he 's overlooked for a year or two, and 
 he 's got to make good with 'em to keep 
 'em from knockin'. But he '11 have the 
 whole push rootin' for him, and, then, of 
 course, there 's a lot more o' people say : 
 4 Oh,well, Jim 's a good fellow and he 's been 
 white with me, and even if he does sand 
 bag a few o' them rich blokies what 's the 
 diff? ' I think he 's got a chance, all right. 
 I would n't like to start in and plug his 
 game and then find myself on a dead one." 
 
 " Artie, if you take my advice you '11 
 keep out of it. What do you want with 
 a political job ? " 
 
 " Well, for one thing I want to get a 
 bank-roll as soon as I can and this place 
 he 's holdin' out pays good money." 
 
 " Yes, and even if you got it you 'd be 
 out again in a year or two and worse off 
 than ever. Besides, I would n't help 
 no
 
 ARTIE 
 
 elect a man who sold his influence." Mil 
 ler spoke with considerable feeling. 
 
 "As for that," resumed Artie, "you 
 need n't think I like Jim Landon's way 
 o' gettin' stuff. It 's just like this, though. 
 He 's gone out of his way two or three 
 times to do things for me and fixed me for 
 a pass to Milwaukee once, and, of course, 
 them things count. Everybody 's shakm' 
 him down this spring, and if he gets the 
 gaff he '11 be flat on his back. If I did n't 
 know him I 'd be against him hard. But 
 you do n't like to throw down a man that 's 
 treated you right, do you ? " 
 
 " I 've never been in politics, but I 
 should say that no young man could have 
 any excuse for voting for a boodler. " 
 
 " Say, now listen. It comes election 
 day, see ? I go in the place and get in one 
 o' them little private rooms and I vote for 
 this stranger. Then I come out and meet 
 Jimmy. He puts out the hand and I go 
 and get a cigar with him and do the friend- 
 iii
 
 ARTIE 
 
 ship act. Would n 't that be purty coarse 
 work?" 
 
 " It would n't be any worse than his 
 promising to be honest and then turning 
 out a boodler " said Miller. 
 
 " Well, I guess I '11 pass up the whole 
 thing. Come to size it up, that ward 's 
 goin' to be floatin' in beer the next two 
 weeks, and I 'm not stuck on standin' 
 around with them boys that smoke them 
 hay-fever torches. For a man that do n't 
 want to be a rounder, it 's too much like 
 sportin' life. I did n't think you 'd O. K. 
 the scheme. I '11 just tell Jimmy that I 'm 
 out of it. That 's an awful wise move, 
 too. I guess an easier way to get that 
 roll 'd be to borrow a nice kit o' tools an^ 
 go 'round blowin' safes."
 
 CtAUDIE
 
 XIII 
 
 "Where's he at?" asked the over 
 grown messenger boy, who had clumped 
 slowly along the hallway and who now 
 entered the room, leaving the door open 
 behind him. 
 
 " Ain 't he good ? " asked Artie, turn 
 ing to Miller, who was gazing at the mes 
 senger with a look of pained surprise in 
 his eyes. 
 
 " Where *s he at ? " repeated the mes 
 senger boy. 
 
 He seemed rather large and old to be in 
 the uniform, for there was a scrabble of 
 soft beard on his chin. His face and 
 hands appeared to have been treated with 
 fine coal-dust, his cap leaned forward on 
 one side of his head and whenever he 
 113
 
 ARTIE 
 
 spoke he had to make new disposition of 
 a large amount of chewing tobacco which 
 he carried in his mouth. 
 
 When he asked " Where 's he at ? " he 
 pronounced it " where *ce," and in all 
 his subsequent talk he gave the " s " a 
 soft and hissing sound well prolonged, to 
 the evident enjoyment of Artie and the 
 mild wonderment of Miller. 
 
 " Where 's who at ? " demanded Artie, 
 adopting a frown and a harsh manner. 
 
 cc W'y, t'e four-eyed nobs dat sent me 
 out on t'e Sout' Side." 
 
 " Are you the same little boy ? 
 Would n't that frost you, though, Mil 
 ler ? This is little Bright-eyes that took 
 the note for Hall." 
 
 " Aw, what 's eatin' you ? " asked the 
 boy, giving a warlike curl to the corner 
 of his mouth. 
 
 " Oh, ow ! listen to that. I '11 bet 
 you 're the toughest boy that ever hap 
 pened. What you been doin' all day 
 "4
 
 ARTIE 
 
 playin' marbles for keeps or standin' in 
 front o' one o' them dime museeums ? " 
 
 " Aw, say j you t'ink you 're fly. Dat 
 young feller sent me all t'e way to forty- 
 t'ree ninety-t'ree Callamet av'noo. I 
 could n't get back no sooner." 
 
 " Who was it the note was to ? " 
 
 " His rag, I guess." 
 
 " Oh-h-h-h ! His rag ! What do you 
 think o' that, Miller ? Ain 't this boy a 
 bird ! Can you beat him ? Can you tie 
 him ? Boy, you 're all right." 
 
 " So are you dat is, from y'r head up." 
 
 " An' the feet down, huh ? You 're 
 one o' them * Hully chee, Chonny,' boys, 
 ain 't you ? You 're so tough they could n't 
 dent you with an axe." 
 
 " Is dat so-o-o-o ? " asked the boy, with 
 a frightful escape of " s " and a glare such 
 as he must have used to terrify all the 
 smaller boys at the call station. 
 
 " If I was as tough as you are I 'd be 
 afraid o' myself, on the level." 
 "5
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " You t'ink you s re havin' sport wit' me, 
 do n't you ? I seen a lot o' dem funny 
 mugs before dis." 
 
 " W'y, Claudie, I would n't try to josh 
 you. I think you 're a nice, clean boy. 
 Ain *t you goin' to take off your gloves ? " 
 
 Miller leaned back in his chair and 
 howled with laughter. 
 
 " I beg y'r pardon, Claudie," continued 
 Artie. " I thought them was gloves you 
 had on. Gee, is them your mils ? You 're 
 a brunette, ain 't you ? " 
 
 The messenger boy had been somewhat 
 taken back by the allusion to his " gloves," 
 but he recovered and said, still gazing at 
 Artie : " S-s-ay, you 're havin' all kinds 
 o' fun wit' me, ain 't you ? Well, w'at you 
 anyt'ing you say cuts no ice wit' me." 
 
 " You 'd better smoke up or you '11 
 go out," suggested Artie. " You was a 
 little slow on the come-back that last 
 time. Get on to him, Miller ; he 's lookin' 
 a hole in me." 
 
 u*
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " He has a bad eye," said Miller. 
 
 " Yes, and as the guy says on the stage, 
 I do n't like his other one very well, 
 neither. I '11 bet he 'd be a nasty boy 
 in a fight. I 'd hate to run against 
 him late at night. Them messenger boys 
 is bad people. Guess what they train 
 on." 
 
 " I do n't know," said Miller. 
 
 " Cocoanut pie. That ain't no fairy tale, 
 neither. Cocoanut pie and milk, that 's 
 what they live on. I '11 bet Claudie here 
 with the face has got about three cocoanut 
 pies wadded into him now. How about 
 it, Claudie ? " 
 
 " Say," began the messenger boy, nod 
 ding his head slowly to emphasize his 
 remarks, " I 'd give a t'ousand dollars if I 
 had your ga!V 
 
 " That '11 be all right. Keep the change. 
 By the way, old chap, are you lookin' for 
 any one ? " 
 
 This was another surprise for the boy. 
 117
 
 ARTIE 
 
 44 Yes-s-s, I 'm lookin' for some one," 
 he replied. 
 
 "Who it is is it?" 
 
 " W'y, t'e fellow dat wears de windows 
 in his face. I got a note here for him," 
 and he pulled it out of his pocket. 
 
 44 Looks like you 've been chewin' it. 
 That 's his desk over there. He got dead 
 tired o' waitin' for you and went out to 
 tell the police you was lost. I think 
 they 're draggin' the lake for you now." 
 
 41 Aw, go ahead ; dat 's right. Dere 's 
 lots o' you blokies t'ink you can have fun 
 wit' us kids." 
 
 44 Get next to the walk, Miller ; get on, 
 get on ! " exclaimed Artie, as the messen 
 ger boy moved over toward Hall's desk. 
 On the way he stopped for a moment and 
 spat copiously into a waste-basket. 
 
 "He walks like he had gravel in his 
 shoes, do n't he ? " said Artie. " Look at 
 the way he holds them shoulders. Ain 't 
 he tough, though ? " 
 
 118
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Some day you '11 get too gay an' a 
 guy '11 give you a funny poke," remarked 
 the messenger boy, as he slowly settled 
 into young Mr. Hall's chair and again 
 directed what was supposed to be a ter 
 rorizing stare at Artie. 
 
 " What did I tell you, Miller ? Claudie 's 
 a scrapper. He 'd just as soon give a guy 
 a c tump in de teet ' as look at him." 
 
 The boy gave a sniff of contempt and 
 began an examination of the papers on 
 Mr. Hall's desk, picking up some of the 
 letters and studying them, his lips going 
 through the motions of reading. Artie sat, 
 with face illumined, and watched the boy. 
 He was evidently fascinated by the display 
 of supreme impudence. 
 
 " Ain't there nothin' we can do for you ? " 
 he asked. " Miller 's got some private 
 letters you can read when you get through 
 over there." 
 
 "Aw, go chase yourself," replied the 
 bojr. 
 
 119
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Well, Claudie, I 'vc seen a good many 
 o' you boys, but you 're the best ever/' 
 remarked Artie. " If Hall 's tryin' to win 
 out any South Side lady friend I do n't see 
 as he could do better than send you out 
 with the note. I think you Ml be liked 
 wherever you go. Gee ! you Ve got that 
 icehouse stare o' yours down pat. If 
 you keep on springin' that you Ml scare 
 somebody one o' these days." 
 
 "Aw, let go," said the boy in evident dis 
 gust. " When do I get to see t'e fellow dat 
 sets here? Won't one o' youse pay me?" 
 
 " Miller, pay the boy and let him go. 
 He ain 't had any cocoanut pie for nearly 
 an hour now, have you, Willie er 
 Claudie, I mean. What is your name, 
 Claudie ? " 
 
 " What 's it to you ? " 
 
 "Nothin' much, only I wanted to 
 know. You 've kind o' won me out. 
 Here ! Do n't move ! I Ml bring the 
 waste-basket over to you." 
 120
 
 ARTIE 
 
 At that moment young Mr. Hall came 
 in and said : "Ah, boy, have you that 
 note for me ? " 
 
 " S-s-s-ure. Where you been at ? 
 You 're helva duck, to keep a kid waitin' 
 here. You Ve got 'o pay me ten cents 
 more." 
 
 " Do n't be saucy," said young Mr. 
 Hall, severely. 
 
 " Aw, rats ! " 
 
 " You ain 't mad, are you, Claudie ? " 
 asked Artie, as the boy laboriously moved 
 toward the door, making noises with his 
 feet. 
 
 41 Oh-h-h, but you t'ink you 're a kid- 
 der," replied the boy, with a sour smile. 
 
 " Look out ! You '11 step on one o' 
 your feet there in a minute." 
 
 Then they heard him go clump-clump- 
 clump out through the hall and away. 
 
 * 4 Confound such a boy ! " exclaimed 
 young Mr. Hall. 
 
 121
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Oh, he 's ail right," said Artie, only 
 you ain 't used to his ways." 
 
 " He 's tough enough," suggested Miller. 
 
 " Yes," said Artie, " I would n't be as 
 tough as he thinks he is not for a million 
 dollars."
 
 THE PRESIDENT
 
 XIV 
 
 " Let 's walk out a little while and let 
 the wind blow on us," said Artie, when 
 the conversation had begun to lag. 
 
 He had found Mamie on the front stoop 
 with her father and mother. It was the 
 first warm night of the early spring, and 
 the tired people all along the street had 
 come into the open air, the older ones 
 to sit around the doorways and the chil 
 dren to romp on the sidewalks. 
 
 Gas lamps are far apart in that street 
 and the houses are much alike two 
 stories high, many of them having the 
 high stoop that leads steeply from the 
 sidewalk to the upper story. A stranger 
 might have had some trouble in finding 
 the Carroll house, but Artie knew the 
 neighborhood. He collided with the chil- 
 123
 
 ARTIE 
 
 dren and said : " Do n't run me down, 
 kids." There was a carnation in his but 
 tonhole and he clicked a walking-stick on 
 the uneven sidewalk. The smell of pipe 
 smoke, the balm of the cooler evening air 
 and the awakened cheerfulness of the 
 street, which he had never before seen so 
 lively, harmonized with his own feelings. 
 There was a spring song going in his heart, 
 and when he came to the Carroll stoop it 
 strove to find utterance in words. 
 
 " Ain 't this a James-dandy of a night? " 
 he asked, removing his hat. "I see all 
 you good people are takin* it in." 
 
 Mamie arose to greet him, and said 
 something in a low tone to her father. 
 Artie knew what it was. 
 
 " Stay where you are, Mr. Carroll," 
 said he. " I '11 grab off a place here at 
 the end." 
 
 " Father was so warm he just took off 
 his coat and came out here to enjoy his 
 pipe," said Mamie, in way of explanation. 
 124
 
 ARTIE 
 
 *' I do n't blame him. Would n't you 
 rather have a cigar, Mr. Carroll ?" 
 
 " Well, I do n't mind. Have y' 
 another ? " 
 
 " Sure thing. You need n't be afraid 
 o' that one. It 's got real tobacco in it. 
 How are you to-night, Mrs. Carroll ? " 
 
 " I 'm all right now, but this afternoon I 
 thought I 'd keel over. Was n't it warm?" 
 
 " I should say yes." 
 
 Then there followed some more com 
 monplace remarks about the weather, and 
 at the first oppportunity Artie suggested 
 taking a walk. 
 
 While Mamie was in the house putting 
 on her hat Artie said : " You 've got lots 
 o' kids up this way." 
 
 " The German family in the next house 
 has nine," replied Mrs. Carroll. " If 
 father could 'a' caught one o' them tow- 
 headed young 'uns this morning there 'd 
 only been eight left. The boy built a 
 bonfire right up against our fence." 
 135
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " He could run too fast for me," said 
 Mr. Carroll. " Oh, but he 's a terror. 
 We have some great youngsters around 
 here. Do you want to get by me, Mamie ? 
 Look at the new hat on her." 
 
 Artie laughed and Mamie gave her 
 father a playful slap on the arm. 
 
 " It 's a hun," remarked Artie. 
 
 As he followed Mamie down the steps 
 and away toward the corner he somehow 
 felt, because of the silence behind, that 
 Mr. and Mrs. Carroll were watching him 
 and asking themselves whether he was 
 what he pretended to be. On more than 
 one occasion they had shown a liking for 
 him. Certainly they had trusted him. He 
 realized keenly, and for the first time, that 
 they had been kind to him beyond anything 
 he deserved, and with this realization came 
 the resolve that he would never do any-' 
 thing to cause them to change their 
 opinions. 
 
 " I 'm afraid the old folks '11 think we 're 
 126
 
 ARTIE 
 
 givin' 'em the shake," said he, as Mamie 
 slipped her arm within his. 
 
 "No, no. They do n't mind." 
 
 " I guess they 're wise enough to tum 
 ble to it that I do n't come rubberin' 
 around this neighborhood every two or 
 three nights just to see them" 
 
 Mamie laughed and put an added press 
 ure on his arm. The gas-lights leaped into 
 balls of flame and Artie felt himself rising 
 into the air. What more could he ask ? 
 And yet, as they passed the corner, he was 
 beaming foolishly and had lost his voice. 
 
 He had something to tell Mamie 
 something which would be significant ; 
 something to warn her of the supreme 
 question and prepare her for it. 
 
 They had come into the business street, 
 where the trolley cars ran and the light 
 was plentiful. 
 
 " A little more weather like this and 
 we '11 be hittin' the park," he observed. 
 
 " I '11 be glad," she replied. 
 127
 
 ARTIE 
 
 They walked in silence for few mo 
 ments and then he said : " Mame, I 'vc 
 got some good news." 
 
 " For me ? " 
 
 "Well, I s'pose- you may be glad to 
 hear it." 
 
 " What is it ? " 
 
 " I got a boost in my pay." 
 
 Oh, that 's lovely." 
 
 " I 'm gettin' twenty a week now." 
 
 " Now I 'm jealous. All I get is 
 eight." 
 
 " Say, Mame, I 'm sore to see you 
 workin' at all." 
 
 " I had to do something when I got out 
 of school, and they did n't need me around 
 the house. I would n't mind it if I had 
 a nicer man to work for." 
 
 "Who is the main guy up at your place 
 the pie-face I spoke to the day I come 
 up to see you ? " 
 
 " Yes, that 's him." 
 
 "I got it in good and hard for them fel- 
 
 138
 
 ARTIE 
 
 lows. Do you know, Mame, this town 's full 
 of a lot o' two-by-four dubs that 's got into 
 purty fair jobs and it 's made 'em so swelled 
 up that you want to take a crack at one of 
 'em the minute you see him. I '11 bet 
 that guy up in your place do n't know 
 nothin' on earth except how to hold down 
 his measly job, and he got that doin' all 
 the mean work around the place. It does 
 me lots o' good to call one o' them proud 
 boys down. If I ever go up there again 
 and he makes any funny play at me I '11 
 come back at him so strong that he won 't 
 know what landed on him. Them fellows 
 is counterfeits. They have to put on a 
 horrible front so as to cover up what they 
 do n 't know. I never see one o' them 
 fellows yet that was n't a four- flush. 
 Take a guy that bellers at kids and bluffs 
 women and put him up against a man of 
 his own weight and he 's a cur. If I ever 
 put up my hands against that fellow he 'd 
 run clear to the roof to get away," 
 129
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Mame laughed and said : " You 've got 
 him sized up just right." 
 
 " I 'm workin' for a square fellow," 
 continued Artie. " He 's all right. I used 
 to give him all kinds o' hot and cold roasts, 
 but since he went to the front for me and 
 got my salary whooped I 've got to be with 
 him. I '11 tell you, Mame, he 's this kind. 
 If you 'd go up to Morton to-morrow and 
 say: 'How about it; can you take hold 
 and run the earth for a year ? ' he 'd 
 put on one o' them dead easy smiles and 
 say he could do it without turnin' a hair. 
 He 's got the nerve to tackle anything. 
 He do n't know nothin', but he do n't 
 need to as long as he can make suckers 
 think he's all right. There's Miller 
 I 've told you so much about. He knows 
 more about the business than Morton ever 
 wanted to know, but Morton draws more 
 stuff just because Miller ain 't got the face. 
 So I 've got wise to this fact : No matter 
 
 130
 
 ARTIE 
 
 what you 've got in your hand play it as if 
 you had a royal flush for a bosom hold 
 out. I weaken on no proposition. If they 
 wanted me to be president o' the whole 
 shootin' match, I 'd jump in, grow some 
 side-whiskers and put up as tall a con 
 game as that old stiff we Ve got down 
 there now. His office hours is from 1 1:00 
 to 1 1:30 .and he ain't nothin' but a ham- 
 rester when he is there." 
 
 Artie had become warmed up, and was 
 walking fast. They stopped at a corner 
 to allow a drove of bicyclers to pass by, 
 and Artie saw the red globes of a drug 
 store across the street. 
 
 " Let 's have some o' the cold stuff, 
 Mame," said he, and he led her over to 
 the place. 
 
 "Give the lady some strawberry be 
 cause it 's red," said he to the clerk. 
 
 " No, you '11 not," said she. " I want 
 chocolate ice cream."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Well, professor, you can make mine 
 the same. Be a good fellow, too, when 
 it comes to droppin' in the ice cream." 
 
 " Oh, we put in good measure," said 
 the red-headed boy, as he dug into the 
 freezer. 
 
 " That ' right. I think you '11 do a 
 nice little business on this corner."
 
 XV 
 
 u I do n't know about this, Artie," said 
 Miller, as they alighted from the trolley 
 car. " I have no business coming out 
 here with you." 
 
 41 There you go again ! " exclaimed Artie. 
 " Ain 't I told you that anybody I bring 
 stands ace-high ? W'y, I 've been toutin' 
 you to Mame till she 's dead crazy to see 
 you. Do n't go to weak'nin' on me at 
 this stage o' the game. You 're just as 
 welcome there as you are in the street." 
 
 " I dare say," replied Miller, with a 
 nervous little laugh, " but I think you '11 
 have to do most of the talking." 
 
 " Let go of that, too. You won 't get 
 
 no frozen face at this place that I 'm 
 
 steerin' you against. Just cut loose the 
 
 same as if you was at home. I guess you 
 
 '33
 
 ARTIE 
 
 ain *t goin' to find no cracked ice in the 
 chairs, and, as I 've told you time and 
 again, this girl ain 't stuck on frills. She 
 comes purty near bein' able to size up a 
 guy for what he 's worth, and you and 
 her '11 get along all right." 
 
 Notwithstanding these hopeful assur 
 ances, Miller was decidedly nervous as 
 they approached the Carroll house. It 
 was only after much persuasion on the 
 part of Artie that he had been induced to 
 come along and now that they were so 
 near the place his apprehensions grew. 
 Miller knew a great deal, but he had 
 never learned how to keep down his pulse 
 and temperature when he was in the pres 
 ence of a young woman. 
 
 " Remember," said Artie, as he pre 
 ceded Miller up the steps. " Do n't be 
 leary about cuttin' in. Just play you 
 owned the house." 
 
 Mamie opened the door and said : 
 " Hello, there," and then, when she saw 
 134
 
 ARTIE 
 
 that Artie ivas not alone, she gave a small 
 and startled " Oh ! " 
 
 " Peel your coat and put it any old 
 place," said Artie to Miller. 
 
 " Why, Artie," said she, reprovingly. 
 
 They were detained in the hallway for 
 a few moments. Artie felt that perhaps 
 he should have presented Miller at the 
 moment of entering, but he preferred to 
 wait until they reached the front room, 
 where there was a full sweep of space at 
 his command. 
 
 The critical moment having arrived, 
 Mamie having retreated until she stood 
 beneath the chandelier and Miller having 
 come in from the hall and placed him 
 self, stolid and upright, beside one of the 
 plush chairs, Artie said : " Mame, I want 
 you to shake hands with my friend Mr. 
 Miller, the best ever. Miller, this is little 
 Mame, the girl that makes 'em open all 
 the windows to look at her when she goes 
 along the street." 
 
 135
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " I 'm so glad to meet you, Mr. Miller," 
 said Mamie. " I *ve heard so much about 
 you." 
 
 She extended her hand and as Miller 
 grasped it and mumbled something, Artie 
 very facetiously remarked, " Take your 
 corners." 
 
 Now, if this was his plan for causing 
 Miller to feel perfectly at home, it was not 
 an entire success. Miller laughed rather 
 awkwardly and backed into a chair, where 
 he sat and smiled in a fixed and helpless 
 condition until Mamie came to his rescue. 
 
 " I suppose you 've learned by this 
 time that you must n't pay any attention 
 to what Artie says," she began. " He 
 does n't mean half he says." 
 
 " Here ! How about this ? " interrupted 
 Artie. " You ain 't goin' to begin knockin' 
 the first thing. Pay no attention to what 
 she says about me, Miller. Just copper 
 it. I think she 's got her roastin' clothes 
 on to-night." 
 
 136
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " I 'm afraid I '11 have to believe a 
 good many things that he has told me 
 about you," said Miller, with an effort. 
 
 " What has he been telling you ? " 
 
 " Slow up there a little. Be careful," 
 said Artie. 
 
 " He said a great many complimentary 
 things about you," persisted Miller. 
 
 "Who, me?" demanded Artie. "What 
 are you tryin' to do string the poor girl ? 
 All I ever told you about Mame was the 
 time she shook me for that Indian. I '11 
 tell you about her, Miller. I 'm good old 
 car-fare and show-tickets when there 's 
 nobody playin' against me, but as soon as 
 any other guy gets in the game she puts 
 me off on the sub bench. I ain 't in the 
 play at all. You 're here to-night. Am I 
 in it ? Well, I should say nit." 
 
 Miller laughed good-naturedly and Ma 
 mie passed off into an attack of giggles 
 from which she could not easily recover. 
 
 " You do n't expect me to pay much
 
 ARTIE 
 
 attention to you when there 's any one 
 else around, do you ? " she asked with the 
 merest suggestion of a wink at Miller. 
 
 " Certainly not. I 'rh supposed to be 
 playin' a thinkin' part to-night. I ain't 
 really in the cast at all. I think I come 
 on with a spear in the third act." 
 
 " You 've heard him talk like that be 
 fore, have n't you ? " asked Mamie of 
 Miller. 
 
 " Oh, yes ; I 've become accustomed 
 to it." 
 
 " Oh, what a swipe ? " exclaimed Artie. 
 " I think I '11 have to lay quiet for awhile 
 after that. What are you doin', Miller ; 
 turnin' against me takin' her part?" 
 
 " My goodness, Artie, what did he say 
 that was n't all right ? " asked Mamie. 
 
 u There you are, Miller. She 's huntin' 
 a scrap because I spoke cross to you. I 
 told you I would n't be in it after I brought 
 you up here." 
 
 " Artie, I want you to behave. I 'm 
 138
 
 ARTIE 
 
 going to ask Mr. Miller all about how you 
 carry on at the office." 
 
 " Oh, his conduct is very good," Miller 
 hastened to say. 
 
 " That 's what you boys always say 
 about each other. Does he ever work ? " 
 
 " Do I ever work ! " Artie interrupted. 
 " Do you think I could travel on my 
 shape ? She ought to see us doin' the 
 slave act there the first of every month ; 
 eh, Miller ? " 
 
 " We have to work hard enough," said 
 Miller. 
 
 " He 's told me all this," said Mamie ; 
 " but he c kids ' so much, as he calls it, 
 that I do n't know when he 's telling the 
 truth and when he is n't. Why, do you 
 know, Mr. Miller, the first time I met 
 him, he told me his name was something- 
 or-other and that he was on the Board of 
 Trade oh, the worst string of stuff you 
 ever heard." 
 
 Miller had to laugh, because he had
 
 ARTIE 
 
 already been told the whole story by 
 Artie. 
 
 " Did you believe it ? " he asked. 
 
 " Believe it ? I should say not. He 
 told me the worst whoppers you ever 
 heard about how much money he made 
 and lost on the Board of Trade. What 's 
 more, just to show you the cheek of that 
 boy, the fellow that he had come over and 
 introduce him I never saw before in all 
 my life." 
 
 Miller had to laugh in earnest. Artie 
 had told him the same story, but had 
 claimed that Mamie believed everything 
 she heard. 
 
 For once Artie was red, embarrassed 
 and at a loss to reply. He smiled feebly 
 when Miller laughed, and then he man 
 aged to say : " I guess you faked up 
 some purty good fairy yarns yourself that 
 night." 
 
 " I was trying to keep up with you," 
 said Mamie, gaily. 
 
 140
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Artie's grin widened and he glanced 
 significantly at Miller. 
 
 "What did I tell you?" he asked. 
 " Ain 't she a child wonder ? " 
 
 And by that time Miller was well 
 enough acquainted to join in and talk on 
 many topics. 
 
 It was after ten o'clock when they left 
 the house and started for the car. 
 
 "Well, will she do?" asked Artie 
 almost as soon as the door had closed 
 behind them. 
 
 " Yes, indeed," replied Miller, warmly. 
 " She 's an awfully nice girl." 
 
 " Nothin' mushy, eh ? None o' this 
 soft work ? " 
 
 " No, sir. She 's a good, sensible girl." 
 
 " How about her bein' a good looker ? " 
 
 " Artie, you may think I 'm trying to 
 flatter you, but really she is a very pretty 
 girl very pretty." 
 
 " Say, I tumbled that she was the real 
 stuff the first time I ever see her. You
 
 ARTIE 
 
 got next to how she give me that horrible 
 jolt about the dance, did n't you ? " 
 
 " I should say so." 
 
 " Now, there 's a wise girl. She knew 
 awful well that I 'd told you about meetin' 
 her at the dance, and how I caught her 
 that night, and she just brought the thing 
 up to square herself with you. She did n't 
 want you to think that any Reub could go 
 up and flag her." 
 
 " Oh, well, you can see that she is n't 
 that kind of a girl." 
 
 " Sure. They do n't grow 'em on the 
 Lake Shore drive any better behaved than 
 she is now."
 
 YOUNG MR. HALL
 
 XVI 
 
 Every breeze that came in at the open 
 windows was as soft as velvet. The 
 warm sunshine had tempered it until the 
 last sting of winter was gone. 
 
 Miller and Artie had removed their 
 coats and unbuttoned their vests. They 
 worked listlessly, and occasionally one of 
 them would lean back and gaze sleepily 
 out at the walls and roofs and the distant 
 ribbon of lake, now dotted here and there 
 with moving specks. 
 
 " A man ought to be pinched for workin' 
 a day like this," Artie finally observed. 
 
 "Isn't it delightful?" said Miller. 
 " This is the time of year when a man 
 feels like getting out into the country." 
 
 " That ain't no lie, neither. You do n't 
 '43
 
 ARTIE 
 
 see very many Johnny-jump-ups growin* 
 along Dearborn street, do you ? " 
 
 " Do you expect to get away from 
 town often this summer ? " 
 
 " Gee, I can't go very far. Since I 've 
 started plantin' my stuff in the bank and 
 plunkin' in a few cases every month on the 
 buildin' and loan game, I 've got to play 
 purty close to my bosom, I '11 tell you 
 those. Night before last, though, I was 
 fixin' it up with Mame to take a little run 
 over to St. Joe or up to Milwaukee on the 
 boat. When they let you ride all day on 
 the boat for a dollar a throw, w'y, that 's 
 where I cut in freely. But they do n't 
 get my game at any o' them summer re 
 sorts where they set you back five big 
 elegant bucks a day for a room about as 
 big as that telephone box over there. Then 
 if you want anything to chew you 've got 
 to square the waiter every time you go in 
 the dinin'-room. I went up against one 
 o' them places last summer. I com- 
 144
 
 ARTIE 
 
 menced owin* money to that hotel before 
 I got off the train. They cleaned me in 
 two days, but then, as they say down on 
 State street, I was n't very dirty when I 
 landed." 
 
 " If I 'm going to take a vacation," said 
 Miller, " I 'd rather get right out into the 
 country. Do n't you like the country ? " 
 
 " Well, I ain't dead sure about that. I 
 'spose the country's all right to a man 
 that 's lived there, but you take some wise 
 boy that was brought up in town, and you 
 throw him out on a farm, and he's the 
 worst ever. You 've seen them boys 
 around the Union station comin' in with 
 their red-topped boots and high hats and 
 paper grips well, when you see them 
 fallin' into coal-holes and bein' snaked out 
 by fake hotel-runners you think they 're 
 purty new, do n't you ? Well, say, there 
 ain't one o' them that 's half the horrible 
 mark that some Chicago dub is when he 
 goes up against that farm game. If he
 
 ARTIE 
 
 do n't look like a yellow clarinet in twenty- 
 four hours you can mark me down for a 
 sucker. They can 't spring none o' that 
 happy-childhood - days - down - on-the-farm 
 business on me. I 've been next, I '11 tell 
 you those." 
 
 " I did n't know that you were ever on 
 a farm," said Miller, laughing. 
 
 " I was there once, all right, and I got it 
 throwed into me so hard I was good and 
 sore, too. Four years ago this summer 
 that was before my father died my 
 uncle Matt, that 's got a farm a little ways 
 from Galesburg, wrote for me to come 
 down and visit 'em. The old gentleman 
 asked me if I wanted to go, and I said, 
 1 Sure thing ; in a minute,' I 'd been 
 readin' them con story-books about pickin' 
 flowers and goin' fishin' and dubbin' around 
 the woods out in the country, and I thinks 
 to myself: c This is a cinch. I '11 go down 
 there and dazzle them jays.' So I went 
 down there, and a cousin o' mine, Spencer 
 146
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Blanchard, met me at the train with a 
 buggy and drove me out. I got there in 
 time for supper, and they all give me the 
 glad hand and jollied me up, and I kind o' 
 thought that first night that I 'd be a warm 
 proposition out there. Well, holy smoke ! 
 about the time they got the dishes washed 
 up the uncle says to me, I guess we 'd 
 better turn in.' c What do you mean ? ' I 
 says ; * go to bed ? ' c Sure thing,' says he. 
 1 We got to get all kinds of an early start 
 in the morning.' I could n't stand for that. 
 I put up a holler right at the jump. I told 
 *em I was just usually beginnin' to enjoy 
 myself about nine o'clock in the evening. 
 They said I could set up if I wanted to, 
 and then they ducked and turned in. Well, 
 I did n't want to turn in, but there was 
 nothin' to keep me up. I set out by the 
 pump for a little while smokin' and listenin* 
 to them katydids gettin' in their work, and 
 then I went in the house and went to bed, 
 but I could n't get to sleep before mid-
 
 ARTIE 
 
 night. It seemed to me I 'd been poundin' 
 my ear about ten minutes when somebody 
 walloped me in the back and hollered, 
 1 Get up.' Well, I set up in bed, and 
 honest, Miller, this ain't no kid it was 
 dark outside. l What 's the trouble ? ' I 
 says. 4 Is the house on fire ? ' It was 
 my cousin Spencer that give me the jolt 
 in the back. l It 's time to get up,' he 
 says. I asked him what time it was, and 
 what do you think he said ? This is on 
 the level, too. He says, c It 's past 
 four.' When he said that I did n't know 
 what kind of a combination I 'd struck." 
 
 " I guess people in the country often get 
 up that early in the summer time, espe 
 cially in the busy season," said Miller. 
 
 " They 'd never got me up, I tell you 
 those, only that fresh cousin o' mine 
 grabbed me by the leg and pulled me out. 
 Oh, he 's a playful guy, all right. Well, 
 I put on my clothes and went downstairs, 
 dead on my feet. You see, I was shy four 
 148
 
 ARTIE 
 
 or five hours' sleep. When they see me 
 they all give me the horse-laugh, even the 
 hired girl. My aunt asked me what time 
 I got up when I was in town, and I said 
 never before seven o'clock, and then they 
 all yelled again. They seemed to think I 
 was wrong in my nut out there. Every 
 thing I done or said they give me the 
 ha-ha." 
 
 " Of course life in the city is much 
 different," said Miller. 
 
 " Well, I guess yes. I know this town 
 like a book. I can begin at the first card 
 and go through the deck, but out there 
 they lose me. They had me lookin* like 
 a Reub all the time. The worst one was 
 the hired hand. His name was Elias. I 
 see him up here the time of the World's 
 Fair, dodgin' cable cars and lookin' up at 
 the skyscrapers. He was dead lucky to 
 get out o' town without havin' his clothes 
 lifted, and, at that, I ain't sure he did. But 
 down at the farm, he was the wise guy 
 149
 
 ARTIE 
 
 and I was the soft mark. What do you 
 think ? The second day I was there I 
 goes out in the field where they was cut- 
 tin' down the oats with one o' them bindin' 
 machines, and 'Lias asked me to go back 
 to the barn and ask Uncle Matt if he had 
 a left-handed monkey wrench. How was 
 I to know ? I ain't up on monkey- 
 wrenches. Gee, I went drillin' way back 
 to the barn through the hot sun, and when 
 I sprung the left-handed monkey-wrench 
 on the uncle it made a horrible hit with 
 him. He hollered around till I got kind 
 o' sore. Then he went in the house and 
 told them and they all had a fit about it. 
 But you ought o' seen 'Lias when he come 
 in at night. He was all swelled up over 
 the way he throwed it into me. He 
 thought he was a better comedian than 
 Nat Goodwin. He must a' gone for two 
 nrles all around tellin'that monkey-wrench 
 story, and a lot o' the hands used to come 
 over and kid me. They 'd laugh and slap 
 150
 
 ARTIE 
 
 their legs and say, l By Jing ! ' They had 
 me crazy. I used to think it was n't on 
 the square to josh a man because he was 
 from the country, but do n't you fool your 
 self them country people won 't do a 
 thing to a city guy if they ever get him 
 out where they can take a good, fair crack 
 at him." 
 
 " It was all in fun, though, was n't it ?" 
 asked Miller. 
 
 " Oh, sure j they thought they was 
 givin' me a good time. There was a kid 
 cousin o' mine, Rutherford Hayes Blanch- 
 ard would n't that name frost you ? 
 that jollied me into ridin' bareback on one 
 o' the old pelters they had around the 
 place. I was up in the air most o' the 
 time, and after I got through ridin' mebbe 
 you think I was n't sore. This same kid 
 took me down to the crick to go swim- 
 min'. I burned the skin off o' my back, 
 got a peach of a stone bruise on my foot, 
 and while I was in, 'Lias and Spencer come
 
 ARTIE 
 
 over and tied my clothes in hard knots. 
 That 's just a sample. Oh, I had a nice 
 time. After a day or two I shook my 
 town clothes and made up for a farmer 
 but I could n't play the part. They used 
 to make me try to hitch up the team with 
 out anyone helpin', and then they 'd all 
 stand around and kid me me when I made 
 bad breaks. It was a cinch that I 'd fall 
 down. I did n't know a whiffle-tree from 
 a tug. Then they had me milkin', too. I 
 do n't know whether you 're on to it or 
 not, but if you try to play up to a cow on 
 the wrong side of her she 's liable to make 
 a sassy pass and land the knockout. 
 Well, the first night they took me out to 
 milk they steered me up against the bum 
 side o' the cow. I 'm purty game myself, 
 an' I did n't want to quit, but she was too 
 good for me. She kept me busy for about 
 five minutes, and then I went to my corner 
 and said I had enough. Say, the whole 
 push had been leanin' on the fence laughin' 
 152
 
 ARTIE 
 
 at me till they cried. I guess they had 
 more fun around that place while I was 
 there than they ever had before. I stood 
 it for about ten days, helpin' 'em work in 
 the fields, gettin' all tanned up and roundin' 
 in to supper every night smellin' like a 
 laundry, and then I kind o' figured it out 
 that farm life was too swift for me. I 
 kind o* wanted to see the 'lectric lights 
 
 D 
 
 and the tall houses again. So I said I was 
 goin'. They made an awful kick for me 
 to stay. They knew they had a good 
 thing. But I broke away." 
 
 u Then you 're not fond of the coun 
 try ? " 
 
 " It 's this way. I would n't mind goin' 
 out for awhile if I could play myself off as 
 company, but when it comes to bein* one 
 of the family nit, nit."
 
 XVII 
 
 "Well, I 'm goin' to be one o' them 
 boys," said Artie, after he had seated him 
 self and turned half-way around so that he 
 could see Miller. 
 
 " What boys ? " asked Miller. 
 
 " Them bike people with the fried-egg 
 caps and the wall-paper stockins'. I 'm 
 goin' to be the sassiest club boy in the 
 whole push. You just wait. In about a 
 week I '11 come hot-footin' in here with my 
 knee-pants and a dinky coat, and do the 
 club yell." 
 
 " I knew you 'd get it sooner or later." 
 
 u This thing got the half-Nelson on me 
 
 before I know it. One night I goes to 
 
 bed feelin' all right and the next mornin' 
 
 when I woke up I was wrong. There 
 
 54
 
 ARTIE 
 
 was somethin' ailed me, but I was n't wise 
 to it. The first thing I know I was stop- 
 pin' along the street lookin' at the wheels 
 in the windows and gettin' next to the new 
 kinds o' saddles and rubber-neckin' to read 
 the names on the tires, and all that busi 
 ness. Then I begin to see that I had it 
 the same as everybody else." 
 
 u I noticed that you 'd been talking 
 bicycle lately, but I did n't know you were 
 going to get one." 
 
 "I'll tell you. I had a spiel with 
 Mame last night and we fixed it up that 
 if we did n't ride wheels this summer we 
 would n't be in it at all, so I 'm goin* to 
 do the sucker act and blow myself." 
 
 " Does Mamie ride ? " 
 
 " Does she ? She 's a scorchalorum. You 
 ought o' seen her pushin' around the 
 block last night on the Connelly girl's 
 wheel. I told her if she ever went through 
 the park speedin' like that she 'd have all 
 the sparrow cops layin' for her."
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " How did she learn if she has n't a 
 wheel ? " 
 
 "Just picked it up. Ain't I told you 
 she 's a world - beater ? She 's got the 
 dough saved up to buy a wheel v too. 
 There 's a funny thing. A girl has to 
 work for nothin', but she can always keep 
 herself dressed right and show a little bank 
 roll to the good. A man gets two or three 
 times as much coin always on the hog, 
 and goin' around lookin' like a tramp. If 
 Mame had my salary she 'd be collectin' 
 rent on flat buildin's." 
 
 "What kind of a wheel are you going 
 to get?" 
 
 " Now you 've got me guessin'. I 've 
 talked to twenty wise guys that've been 
 ridin', and every one of 'em sings a dif 
 ferent song. Every guy cracks up his 
 own wheel, and says all the others is 
 made out o' sheet iron and bum castin's. 
 I 've had five or six chances to get inside 
 prices. A friend o' mine fixed it so I can 
 156
 
 ARTIE 
 
 get a purty fair wheel for fifty and pay for 
 it at five a week, and I think I Ml take it." 
 
 " Can you ride ? " 
 
 u I can stay on, but when it comes to 
 stickin' to a straight line or turnin' around 
 to come back I 'm purty tart. The only 
 practice I 've had is on some o' the wheels 
 that belong to the boys out at the boat- 
 house. Anybody that gets on the same 
 street with me is takin' horrible chances. 
 I never know what I 'm goin' to carom 
 against. The other day I tried to climb 
 a lamp-post and a lot of fresh kids stood 
 around and give me the laugh." 
 
 " How does it happen that you never 
 wanted a wheel before ? I 've been riding 
 for two years." 
 
 " There was too many Charley-boys 
 ridin'. You know the kind I mean 
 them dubs with the long hair and the 
 badges all over the coats. W'y I 've seen 
 'em with tobacco tags, campaign buttons 
 and little ribbons hung all over the front
 
 ARTIE 
 
 of 'em. I could n't stand for nothin' like 
 that. They was out just to make a show 
 o' themselves. This year it's different. 
 Everybody 's gone nutty on the proposi 
 tion. You can go out on a bike now 
 without every driver tryin' to upset you 
 and all the people joshin' you about your 
 knee-pants." 
 
 " It 's wonderful, the number of people 
 riding wheels this spring," said Miller. 
 
 " I '11 tell you they 've gone daffy ami 
 I 'm one of 'em. I 'm goin' to be the 
 worst fan in the whole bunch. What do 
 you think last Sunday out at Lincoln 
 Park? Old geezers ye-e-s, the white- 
 haired boys that you 'd think was too stiff 
 to back a wheel out of a shed, they was 
 out there in them dizzy togs cuttin' up 
 and down the track like two-year-olds. 
 And old girls, too girls from away back, 
 about the crop o' '45 fat ones, too 
 poundin' the pedals and duckin' in and out 
 past the rigs ! W'y, when I see it I put 
 158
 
 ARTIE 
 
 both hands in the air and I says: 'Well, 
 when the old people can cut in on this 
 game it 's about time for me to begin to 
 associate.' I '11 be with 'em, too, next 
 Sunday." 
 
 41 Are you going to wear a suit ? " asked 
 Miller. 
 
 " Well, I'm a little leary on that. I 
 do n't want to get too gay on the jump. 
 iMame wants me to get one and be right 
 in line with all them club boys, but when 
 she first sprung it on me I said : c Nix; if 
 I ever come up here with one o' them 
 funny suits on the old man might take a 
 shot at me.' Here's a funny thing about 
 that. Here 's somethin' that '11 knock 
 you cold. Last night when I gets to the 
 house to see the girl, Mrs. Carroll's on 
 the front porch and I could see she was 
 hot about something. I asked her if any 
 thing had gone wrong and she says, c Mr. 
 Blanchard, there 's an old man around the 
 corner makin' a fool of himself. If you 've
 
 ARTIE 
 
 got any drag with him I wish you 'd go 
 and get him in the house before he breaks 
 his neck.' I was n't on to what she was 
 talkin' about, but she pointed to the 
 corner and I walked over there and say 
 this is a good thing if there was n'tMame's 
 old man takin' a fall out of a wheel. He'd 
 borrowed it from one o' the neighbors, and 
 this guy was holdin' him on and jollyin' 
 him along. l Do n't be afraid,' he says, 
 'you won't fall.' The old man's eyes 
 was hangin' out, and he was workin' them 
 handle-bars like a man twistin' a brake. 
 Gee, he was a sight. I had to holler and 
 then he looked up and saw me. Course 
 that rattled him and over he went. He 
 made a fair fall, too, both shoulders on 
 the ground and Mr. Bike on top of him. 
 You ought o' heard some o' the large blue 
 language the old man got rid of soon as 
 we took the wheel off of him. I did n't 
 know it was in him. c Try it again,' this 
 neighbor says, and he was takin' long 
 160
 
 ARTIE 
 
 chances on gettin' his wheel smashed at 
 that. But the old man would n't listen to 
 it. He went limpin' back to the house, 
 and Mrs. Carroll says : c Well, I hope 
 you 're satisfied now.' The old man give 
 her the cold eye, and then he says to me : 
 1 She 'd talk that way if I 'd been killed.' 
 I guess Mame's mother is the only people 
 on the North Side that ain't monkeyin' 
 with a wheel." 
 
 " When do you and Mamie make your 
 first appearance ? " 
 
 " As soon as we can get the wheels. If 
 I do n't get mine inside of a week I'll go 
 bug-house. I'm dreamin' wheels, I tell 
 you. Last night I dreamt I was goin' 
 along at about forty miles an hour and run 
 into a steam roller." 
 
 " Did it break the wheel ? " 
 
 " I give it up. I woke up and found 
 myself tryin' to get the strangle hold on 
 the pillow." 
 
 "Is Mamie going to wear bloomers ?"
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Is she ? Is she goin' to wear 'em 
 bloomers ? Not on your facial expression. 
 The first time we talked wheel I got up 
 and declared myself on the bloomer busi 
 ness. I done the tall talk. I told her 
 any time she sprung them Turkish village 
 clothes on her Artie boy, all bets was goin' 
 to be declared off." 
 
 " Why, what's the matter ? Bloomers 
 are all right." 
 
 " They 're all right on some other guy's 
 girl, but they do n't go in my set. When 
 I see my girl come on a wheel I want to 
 know whether it 's her or some Board o' 
 Trade clerk. I do n't want to be kept 
 guessin'. " 
 
 " Why, what 's wrong with bloom 
 ers ? " 
 
 " I'll tell you. The first one I ever see 
 in bloomers was a lemon-faced fairy that 
 jught o' been picked along about cen 
 tennial year. She come peltin' along 
 
 z6a
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Michigan avenue with one o* them ballet- 
 girl smiles splittin' that face o' hers, and 
 I aint kiddin' when I tell you that a 
 horse jumped up on the sidewalk and tried 
 to get in the Risholoo hotel so as to pass 
 it up. For a month afterwards I 'd see 
 that face at night and I 'd wake up and 
 holler : l Take it away ! ' From the min 
 ute I see this good thing on Michigan I 'm 
 dead sore on all bloomers. I never see a 
 good-lookin' girl wear 'em yet. Some of 
 'em might have been good lookers before 
 they got into 'em, but after that nit. 
 You need n't be afraid o' Mame, and 
 what 's more, I do n't want to talk about 
 her wearin' them things at all. I like her 
 too well. Do you think I 'm goin' out 
 ridin' with her and have a lot o' cheap 
 skates stoppin' to play horse with her 
 everywhere we go ? Not in a thousand 
 years. Besides, she do n't have to make 
 up like a man to make people look at her. 
 
 163
 
 ARTIE 
 
 She ain't like some o' the others. W'y, 
 she kills 'em dead in her street clothes. 
 Bloomers ! Well, if Mame goes with me 
 she goes as a girl, and that ain't no lie, 
 neither."
 
 ON MIS UPPERS
 
 XVIII 
 
 As Artie came in he saw a stranger 
 seated near Miller's desk. The stranger 
 was rather well dressed, although his gar 
 ments were not of the latest cut. He had 
 a good tan color in his face, and for that 
 and some other reasons which he could 
 not have explained to himself, Artie knew 
 that the stranger was merely a visitor to 
 Chicago. 
 
 " O Artie," said Miller, " I want you 
 to meet my cousin, Walter Miller. He 
 lives in my old town. Walter, this is 
 Mr. Blanchard, Artie Blanchard." 
 
 " He was just speaking about you," said 
 the cousin, with an amiable but rather 
 embarrassed smile. 
 
 " Did he gi' me the worst of it ? " in- 
 165
 
 ARTIE 
 
 quired Artie. "Is 'pose he did. He "s 
 on to the story of my past life." 
 
 " No," said Miller. " I was just tell 
 ing him that if he wanted to know any 
 thing about Chicago you were the man 
 that could tell him." 
 
 " Well, that 's a good send off. What 
 are you doin' ? Passin' me off as one o' 
 the sights o' the town ? I s 'pose you 
 told him that every visitor to Chicago 
 ought to see Lincoln Park, the stock 
 yards, the sky-scrapers and Artie Blanch- 
 ard and then buy a box o' candy for the 
 loved ones at home." 
 
 " No, but I told him you were just as 
 good as a guide-book." 
 
 " Better. I can put him next to things 
 that ain't in the guide-books. Come over 
 here next to the window where there 's a 
 draught, Mr. Miller. You might as well 
 take the air freely. That 's the only thing 
 in Chicago that you '11 get for nothin'." 
 
 " I believe you 're about right," re- 
 166
 
 ARTIE 
 
 marked the cousin, as he moved over to a 
 place near the window. " Coming up the 
 street this morning I wanted a glass of 
 water, and I finally had to go into a saloon 
 and buy it." 
 
 " If you 'd had a beer thirst you 'd have 
 been all right. Is this the first time you 've 
 been up against the town ? " 
 
 ** No, I was here a week the time of the 
 World 's Fair, but I did n't get into this 
 part of town much." 
 
 " Well, what do you think of it as far 
 as you Ve got ? Warm town, eh ? " 
 
 " Yes, indeed ; wonderful. I always 
 feel rather lost when I get in the crowds." 
 
 " I s 'pose it is that way for a day or 
 two, but you M soon get used to it." 
 
 " I do n't believe I would. There are 
 too many people here. I 'm afraid I 'd 
 never get along in Chicago." 
 
 " You want to get over that in a hurry. 
 Of course there 's an awful push in the 
 streets here any day ? and I s 'pose when you 
 167
 
 ARTIE 
 
 first get in you kind o' feel that you 're up 
 against a lot o' wise city mugs and that 
 they must be purty fly because they live 
 right here in town. I 've had people tell 
 me that 's the way they felt at first, but it 
 did n't take 'em long to find out there 's 
 just as many pin-heads on State street as 
 you '11 find anywhere out in the woods." 
 
 " Oh, I suppose a man would learn 
 about the city in a little while r " 
 
 " Cert. It ain't where a man's born or 
 where he was raised that puts him in any 
 class. It 's whether he 's got anything 
 under his hat. I seen too many o' these 
 boys kind o' jump in from the country and 
 make a lot o r city boys look like rabbits. 
 You see, Mr. Miller, when a guy comes in 
 from the country he figures it out : l Here, 
 I 'm goin' against a tough proposition, and 
 I 've got to hump myself to keep up.' 
 He 's willin' to learn a few things and do 
 the best he can. If he feels that way 
 he stands to win out. But if he comes 
 168
 
 ARTIE 
 
 canterin' into town to be a dead-game sport 
 and set a pace for all the boys, w'y, he 
 do n't last. It 's a small town, but it 's too 
 big for any one boy to come in from the 
 country and scare it. Them sporty boys 
 do n't last. They get in with a lot o' 
 cheap skates and chase around at nights and 
 think they 're the real thing, and then in a 
 couple o' moons they go back home and 
 leave all their stuff in hock. They think 
 they 're fly, but they ain't." 
 
 " I know some that have done that very 
 thing." 
 
 " Sure you do. I ain 't roastin' no man 
 'cause he 's from the country. You go 
 along Prairie avenue and see all o' them 
 swell joints where the fat boys with side- 
 whiskers hang out. Well, them boys all 
 come in from the country, but they had 
 sense enough to saw wood and plant a little 
 coin when it begin to come easy. I 'm 
 tellin' you, the worst suckers you '11 find is 
 some o' these city people that know it all 
 169
 
 ARTIE 
 
 to begin with. They got such a long start 
 on everybody else that they do n't need to 
 learn nothin'. If they know the names o' 
 the streets, what shows is in town next 
 week, what color of a necktie to flash and 
 what was the score at the ball game they 
 think they come purt' near bein' dead 
 wise. You live here in town awhile and 
 you '11 get on to them people. Say ! I 
 know a lot o' boys that 's got just enough 
 sense to put in workin' hours and then 
 go ridin' a wheel. You could n't set 'em 
 down and tell 'em a thing. Any of 'em 
 that 's got himself staked to a spring suit 
 and knows the chorus o' c Paradise Alley ' 
 thinks he 's up to the limit. You can 
 make book that them boys '11 be workin' 
 on bum salaries when they 're gray headed, 
 and what 's more, they Ml be workin' for 
 r ,ome Reub that come into town wearin' 
 hand-me-downs." 
 
 " Well, I suppose folks out in the 
 
 170
 
 ARTIE 
 
 country do give the city people too much 
 credit for being smart," said the visitor. 
 
 " Oh, we 've got 'em smart enough, all 
 right, all right, but I 'm tellin' you about 
 the cheap ones. You 're a stranger here 
 and you see some guy goin' along State 
 street puttin* on a horrible front, tryin' to 
 kill women right and left, a big piece o' 
 rock salt on his necktie, and you say, 
 4 Hully gee, I wonder who that case o' 
 swell is; Marshall Field or P. D. Armour ?' 
 Well, say, it 's a ten to one shot that all 
 that that fellow 's got in the world he 's got 
 right with him, and at that it ain't no cinch 
 he 's wearin' underclothes. You 've got 
 to learn these things. You don 't know 
 mebbe that guy can 't spell through the 
 first reader. Any old farmer with one o' 
 them bunches on his chin could buy up 
 him and a hundred more like him. Well, 
 he's just the kind of a counterfeit that 'd 
 go out in the country and play himself off 
 
 171
 
 ARTIE 
 
 as the real boy because he lives in the city. 
 Now, don't you fool yourself for a minute, 
 Mr. Miller. Take my tip. We 've got 
 just as many suckers up here as you 've 
 got down your way." 
 
 " I think you 're right about that," said 
 Miller, who had been listening. 
 
 " You know it. Take them mashers 
 along State street. Can you beat 'em any 
 where ? Then a little farther south you '11 
 see them stranded boys, goin' around on 
 their uppers and takin' a dip at the free 
 lunch when nobody 's lookin'. They 'd 
 sooner stand around in town and starve to 
 death than get out somewhere and make a 
 stand for the coin. Any one o' them vags 
 thinks he's too good to go out in the 
 country or to some little town and live 
 decent." 
 
 " It 's tough down that way. I walked 
 up through there this morning," said the 
 visiting Miller. 
 
 " You can get any kind of a game you
 
 ARTIE 
 
 want down there, but you 're safe if you 
 do n't go huntin' trouble. Any man that 
 keeps hot-footin' right along and says 
 nothin' to nobody is all right. Of course, 
 when one of these new boys comes in and 
 raps on the bar and says he 's got money 
 to burn there 's always some handy man 
 right there to give him a match. When 
 that kind of a mark comes in they get 
 out the bottle o' knock-out drops and get 
 ready to do business. A man like you, 
 Mr. Miller, won't have no trouble here. 
 And for goodness sake do n't think you 're 
 up against anything great when you 're 
 minglin' with Chicago people. When 
 you come to know the town it 's as com 
 mon as plowed ground. I know a good 
 show I Ml take you to to-night."
 
 XIX 
 
 It was Saturday morning and Artie came 
 in wearing his bicycle clothes. 
 
 " How do you like 'em ? " he asked, 
 turning about so that Miller and young 
 Mr. Hall could see the hang of the coat. 
 "Reduced from nineteen bones to seven 
 seventy-five. Are you next to the stock- 
 in's ? I guess I ain't got no shape or 
 nothinV 
 
 " It looks first rate on you," said young 
 Mr. Hall. 
 
 " Well, why not, why not ? I think I 'm 
 one o' the purtiest boys that works here in 
 the office anyway, that 's what a good 
 many people tell me." 
 
 " You did n't have it made, did you ? " 
 asked Miller.
 
 DIFFERENT
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " Aw, let go ; do n't ask such ques 
 tions. Do n't it look just as good as if 
 I 'd coughed up twenty-five plunks for it, 
 huh ? " 
 
 u It 's a dressy suit," said Miller. " But 
 why are you wearing it this morning ? " 
 
 " W'y, the minute I get through here 
 I 'm goin' out to meet the girl, and we 're 
 goin' over to the park just to show people 
 the difference." 
 
 " You 're still going out to see that girl, 
 are you?" asked young Mr. Hall. 
 
 " My boy, you 're very slow here lately. 
 You 've been overlookin' a lot o' news." 
 
 " You had n't told me anything about 
 her for a long time." 
 
 " That 's because she ain't been sendin* 
 any word to you. Miller's been out to see 
 her." 
 
 " Have you, Miller ? " inquired young 
 Mr. Hall. 
 
 "Of course had a good time." 
 
 " When you 're a little older if you 're 
 175
 
 ARTIE 
 
 good I'll take you out some night and 
 let you meet some o' the real folks." 
 
 "Oh, thanks," said young Mr. Hall, 
 with a little twitch, suggestive of sarcasm, 
 at one corner of his mouth. " Do you 
 think you could introduce me to society." 
 
 " I could take you where you 'd have to 
 shake that Miss Maud business and comb 
 your hair different or else go to the wall. 
 If you ever went out to the Carrolls and 
 sprung that gum-drop talk the old man 
 wouldn't do a thing to you." 
 
 " It must be a pleasant sort of place," 
 said young Mr. Hall, who had flushed up 
 at the reference to the " Miss Maud busi 
 ness." 
 
 " The best ever if you belong." 
 
 Young Mr. Hall smiled complacently 
 and said : " Now I know why you 've 
 changed so much lately. I kind of be 
 lieved you were still stuck on the girl." 
 
 41 Who 's changed ? What are you 
 talkin' about ? " 
 
 176
 
 ARTIE 
 
 4< Why, you have. I 've noticed you 
 never chew tobacco any more for one 
 thing. Did she make you stop ? " 
 
 " No, she did n't. Well, you 've got a 
 rind, ain't you ? What if she had ? 
 What 's it to you ? " 
 
 " Nothing, only I can notice the change. 
 You do n't cuss like you used to, nor smoke 
 as much, and I 've seen you writing letters 
 on that square paper and looking out of 
 the window with the funniest kind of a 
 look " 
 
 " Break away ! Say, I believe you 're 
 tryin* to kid me. You talk like a man that 
 was full of dope." 
 
 " I '11 leave it to Miller," persisted 
 young Mr. Hall. " Has n't he changed, 
 Miller ? Gracious me, I could notice it. 
 I didn't know what the reason was, be 
 cause after that first time he never told me 
 anything about this." 
 
 " Oh, get tired, can't you ! " interrupted 
 
 177
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Artie. " You must think you 're good if 
 you can string me." 
 
 "I'll leave it to Miller," repeated 
 young Mr. Hall. 
 
 "Well," said Miller, laughing, "of 
 course Artie has changed some, but " 
 
 " There ! " exclaimed young Mr. Hall, 
 triumphantly. 
 
 " Humph ! " said Artie. His face was 
 red and he was certainly flustered. " It 'd 
 be a dead lucky thing if some more people 
 around the shop 'd change a little. They 
 could n't be any punker 'n they are now." 
 
 But young Mr. Hall did not retort. He 
 had made his point and was satisfied. 
 
 A few moments later young Mr. Hall 
 put on his hat and started away on his 
 daily round of collections. Artie turned 
 from his desk and said to Miller : " Say, 
 that boy kind o' had me down on the mat, 
 did n't he?" 
 
 " Do n't mind what he says." 
 
 " Yes, but he had the best of it. I 
 178
 
 ARTIE 
 
 did n't s'pose he 'd noticed I was goin 1 
 queer. They say a man never does know 
 it when he goes off the jump. On the 
 level, though, he 's dead right. I ain't like 
 I was the first time I met the girl. No 
 more chasin' around at nights, no blowin* 
 my stuff against a lot o' dubs and no more 
 boozin'." 
 
 " I 'd noticed that." 
 
 u Sure. I ain't had a package since that 
 night I told you about, and then they made 
 me take it." 
 
 " Package ? What 's that ? " 
 
 W'y, a load, a jag ! Smoke up ! 
 Don't go out on me. You ought to 
 know what a package is." 
 
 " I never had one." 
 
 " Well, I 've had 'em when I had to 
 lay down in the grass and hold on with 
 both hands to keep from fallin' off the 
 earth. I 've had 'em when I made tracks 
 like a man drivin' geese. I was like lots 
 more o' them sporty boys wanted to 
 179
 
 ARTIE 
 
 throw in the big bowls just to show I was 
 nice people. There ain't a thing in it. 
 Most o' them West Side boys I started 
 in to train with got to be dead tough. I 
 do n't want to star myself, but I think I 
 had enough wiseness to switch. I ain't 
 no blue-ribbon boy, but if you ever sec 
 little old Artie with a load o' peaches you 
 can just take him and drop him in the river 
 and say : c Here goes nothin'." 
 
 " There 's nothing like a good, sensible 
 girl to straighten a fellow up." 
 
 " Mebbe that ain't no lie, neither. She 
 ain't never struck me to do nothin', but I 
 just says : 4 Here, you big mark, if you're 
 goin' to be around with a nice girl, why, 
 you 've got to be nice people.' If there 's 
 anything that makes me sore it 's to see 
 some swell-lookin' girl goin' along with a 
 guy actin' like a Reub or a dead tough. 
 If he done his best, you know, he could n't 
 belong with her. If I do say it myself^ 
 I 've used Mame the best I know how and 
 180
 
 ARTIE 
 
 been purty square. Of course a man livin' 
 in this Indian village may think he 's on 
 the square as long as he keeps out o* the 
 cooler, but I know I ain't been as tough as 
 a lot more. What knocks me is to think 
 this mamma's boy got on to me. I must 
 be gettin' purty far along when that guy 
 gets next and tries to play horse with me. 
 Everybody must be on. I s'pose them ele 
 vator boys is sayin': * Well, about day 
 after to-morrow they '11 put his nobs into 
 cell 1 3 and send for the doctors,'" 
 
 "Nonsense, nonsense," said Miller, 
 laughing in spite of himself. " You're all 
 right. I wish I was stuck on some girl. 
 Then I 'd know what to do evenings." 
 
 " Evenings ! Say, Miller, there ought 
 to be about ten evenings every week. If 
 things keep on the way they 've been since 
 both of us went daffy on the bike game, 
 I '11 have to give up my job here and move 
 Mr. Trunk up to the Carroll joint. I 'm 
 gettin' too busy to work. My job 's been 
 181
 
 ARTIE 
 
 interferin' with me a good deal lately. I 'd 
 give it up only for one thing." 
 
 " What 's that ? " 
 
 " W'y, the dough, of course. You will 
 have to smoke up, sure enough. Now I 
 think I '11 do a little work so as to get 
 through early. Mame and me want to do 
 a century by 4 o'clock. I went eighteen 
 miles before breakfast this morning. I 
 may be a sloppy rider, but I 'm one of the 
 best i5O-pound liars in the business." 
 
 "Well, get to work," said Miller. 
 " I 'm going to be busy myself." 
 
 " What are you hurryin" to get through 
 for ? You ain't got nothin' in this world 
 to live for. You 're nothin' but a chair- 
 warmer." 
 
 " Never you mind. Some day I '11 fool 
 you." 
 
 " Well, if it happens I '11 be fooled all 
 right, all right." 
 
 And with that he went to work. 
 
 183
 
 E S MOTHER
 
 XX 
 
 A full moon was hanging over the lake. 
 The whole surface of small, uneasy waves 
 was lighted. There was one path of 
 shiny splendor leading straight out toward 
 the moon and where this path lost itself 
 no one could tell. 
 
 " There ain 't no moon or nothin' to 
 night," observed Artie. He had been flip 
 ping pebbles down the paved beach and 
 into the water. Mamie sat with him on 
 the stone uplift dividing the park driveway 
 from the slope toward the water with 
 him, to be sure, but three or four feet 
 away, with her hat in her lap. " It's per 
 fectly lovely to-night," she said. 
 
 The two bicycles were leaned over 
 against the stone uplift and the lamps 
 183
 
 ARTIE 
 
 threw oblong splotches of light on the 
 gravel. 
 
 Behind Artie and Mamie was the gloomy 
 range made by the heavy foliage of the 
 park. In and out amid the dark banks 
 of trees and along the level driveway 
 moved glow specks like so many busy 
 fireflies. Artie saw none of these, for he 
 was intent on the spectacle of water and 
 moonshine. 
 
 u The guy that could put all that into 
 a picture 'd be a bird, eh, Mame?" 
 
 " It's perfectly lovely." 
 
 " That 's what it is, all right. They 
 don 't grow many like this one." 
 
 " I could stay out here all night and just 
 look at the lake." 
 
 " Could you ? Well, I think about two 
 o'clock in the morning I 'd be ready to let 
 go. It is a peach of a night, though, I '11 
 say that." 
 
 " Sing something, Artie." 
 
 "What do you want me to do drive 
 '84
 
 ARTIE 
 
 the moon in ? How did you ever come 
 to think I was a singer ? That's two or 
 three times you've spiung that on me. 
 Somebody must 'a' been stringin' you." 
 
 "Why, the night we walked home 
 from Turner Hall you sang something 
 awfully pretty. What was it ?" 
 
 " Well, let it go at that. Any singin' 
 I ever done was a horrible bluff, I '11 tell 
 you those." 
 
 " Oh, you contrary thing ! You can 
 sing if you try to." 
 
 " I take no chances, Mame. If I 'd 
 ever spring one o' them bum notes you'd 
 gi' rne the horse laugh and then there 'd 
 be trouble." 
 
 Mamie laughed and said : " What a 
 boy you are ! You never do anything I 
 want you to." 
 
 "Come off! I'll tell you right now 
 
 that when I kick on singin' I'm doin' you 
 
 the greatest favor in the world. You 
 
 never heard me sing. I guess you're a 
 
 185
 
 ARTIE 
 
 little mixed in your dates. It must a' 
 been somebody else you had on your staff 
 that night." 
 
 " Why Artie Blanchard, you mean 
 thing ! " 
 
 " Hello ! Did I land on you that 
 time ? " 
 
 " I think it was awfully mean of you to 
 say that. I don 't ever ask you if you 've 
 been running around with some other girl." 
 
 " Why don 't you ? I 'd tell you there 's 
 three or four others that kind o' like my 
 style." 
 
 " They must be hard up." 
 
 " Is that so ? Maybe I ain 't so many 
 but I 'm a purty good thing, at that. I 'm 
 fresh every hour. No family ought to be 
 without me. When you lose me you lose 
 a puddin', and do n 't you overlook it." 
 
 In answer,. Mamie picked up some of 
 the small pebbles and threw them at him. 
 He held his cap over his face and laugh 
 ingly begged of her to stop. 
 1 86
 
 ARTIE 
 
 Will you be good ? " she asked. 
 
 " Sure thing. But do n 't be so rough 
 with your man." 
 
 " My man ! " Mamie tilted her head 
 back, looked up at the moon and shrieked 
 with laughter. 
 
 Artie was always vastly pleased to have 
 Mamie understand his bantering way. He 
 had often wondered if they would ever 
 come to the habit of taking each other 
 seriously. Could married people keep up 
 the joke ? 
 
 " I seem to be makin' a horrible hit 
 with you to-night," he remarked, as Ma 
 mie slowly recovered from the attack. 
 
 Mamie looked at him seriously for a 
 moment and again broke into laughter. 
 
 " What's the joke ? " demanded Artie. 
 "Put me next so I can get in on the laugh." 
 
 " Oh, nothing. Only you said that so 
 funny." 
 
 " Funny ? That was on the level." 
 
 At this moment Artie had an inspira- 
 187
 
 ARTIE 
 
 tion. The conversation was headed, 
 right. Why not steer it straight ahead ? 
 
 u Of course," he continued, " I was 
 kind o' kiddin' when I said that, but when 
 it comes right down to cases it was n 't so 
 much of a kid after all." 
 
 Mamie laughed a little, but it was a 
 forced laugh. She had suddenly become 
 interested in a pebble which she was rolling 
 under the toe of her shoe. 
 
 "I do n 't mean more 'n half I say," 
 said Artie, tightening his fists with resolu 
 tion and still looking out at the illumin 
 ated lake, "but on the dead, Mame, I ain't 
 as foolish sometimes as I am others. That 
 talk about there bein' any other girl was 
 all guff." 
 
 " Pshaw, I knew that." 
 
 " Gee, you know you 've got me right, 
 do n't you? And I guess you have, too. 
 That ain't no lie. Say, Mame, what do 
 you think ? Miller was roastin' me the 
 other day. He said I was slow," 
 iSS
 
 ARTIE 
 
 "Slow howi " 
 
 "About doin' the nervy thing comin' 
 out and sayin' to you, ' Here, let 's fix 
 it up.' " 
 
 "Fix what up?" 
 
 " Oh, you do n 't know, do you ? You 
 ain 't got no notion at all of what I 'm 
 gettin' at, have you ? That 's too bad 
 about you." 
 
 Mamie began to laugh and then she 
 checked herself, for she observed that 
 Artie was frowning. 
 
 " Of course," said she, " I suppose you 
 mean that we " 
 
 " All I mean is, what 's the matter of 
 gettin' it settled that it 's goin' to be a 
 case of marry ? " 
 
 There! When he said this it seemed 
 to him that his voice went further and 
 further away from him, as if some one 
 else were speaking the words. 
 
 Mamie was smiling quietly and turning 
 her hat over and over. 
 189
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " I guess that did n 't scare you so much 
 after all, " said Artie, who at that mo 
 ment felt that his whole existence had 
 stepped out from under a burden. 
 
 " No," she replied, as she continued to 
 fuss with the hat. " Scare me ? " 
 
 " How about it bein' up to you ? " 
 
 "Oh, it's all right, I guess." She 
 spoke with a frightened attempt to be 
 careless. 
 
 "This is one of them cases where all 
 guessin 's barred." 
 
 " Well, you might know it 's all right." 
 
 " It 's a go then. " 
 
 He said this rather solemnly. There 
 was a pause, and then he continued with 
 some embarrassment : " I '11 tell you, 
 Mame, it seemed to me we ought to have 
 it through with. I did n't want to keep 
 you guessin' whether I wanted to stick. 
 Do n't you think it was the wise move 
 huh ? " 
 
 "It's all right yes." 
 190
 
 ARTIE 
 
 " I was goin' to spring it on you sooner, 
 but I ain 't never got the nerve to talk 
 much about things like that. It ain't like 
 askin' a girl to go to a show, is it ? " 
 
 " Not exactly," and then both of them 
 laughed, in a relieved way. 
 
 " Do n't you think you 'd better put 
 your mother on to it ? " asked Artie. 
 
 " I do n't know. Would you ? " 
 
 " Sure. I guess she won't make no 
 holler." 
 
 Mamie laughed again. " That 's a good 
 one on you," she said. 
 
 "What is?" 
 
 " She wanted to know the other day if 
 you 'd asked me yet." 
 
 " Who, the old girl ? Well, what do 
 you think of that ? Everybody 's on to 
 us, Mame." 
 
 " I do n't care." 
 
 " Care ? They can bill the town with 
 it if they want to. Come on; let's take 
 another whirl through the park." 
 191
 
 ARTIE 
 
 As they walked over to the bicycles 
 Artie laid his hand on her shoulder, much 
 as one man might have put his hand on 
 the shoulder of another man. His voice 
 trembled with what he pretended was 
 laughter as he said : " Mrs. Blanchard, 
 you 're the best o' the lot. How 's the 
 lamp workin' ? Here, I '11 turn it up a 
 little." 
 
 Perhaps he would have kissed her, as he 
 quakingly felt that he should have done, 
 had they not been standing in the moon 
 light. Yet he did not know that he was in 
 the temper for love-making. He was 
 simply rilled with a large wonder that he 
 had succeeded beyond his deserts and that 
 this one best creature of all time was satis 
 fied with him. 
 
 They quickly mounted the wheels and 
 moved northward. The darting specks of 
 fire were still abroad, but there was no 
 sound except the soft rasp of the turn 
 ing wheels. Artie, pumping leisurely and 
 192
 
 ARTIE 
 
 watching the lighted patch of roadway 
 fleeing before his wheel, suddenly began to 
 sing about " Marguerite." He was sing 
 ing absent-mindedly and merely to keep 
 time with his thoughts, but Mamie heard 
 him and swung her wheel so as to ride up 
 close beside him. 
 
 " I thought you did n 't sing,'* said she, 
 laughing. 
 
 "Oh, well," said Artie, grinning. "You 
 know there are times there are times '
 
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