"WELL, I D HAD HIS ODDER EAR OFF IF THE COP HADN T SNATCHED ME." 
 
 Frontispiece-
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN" 
 
 MAJOR MAX 
 tber Stories 
 
 EDWARD W. JpWNSEND 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 THE GATES FAMILY MYSTERY," AND OTHER STORIES 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 LOVELL, CORYELL & COMPANY 
 310-318 SIXTH AVENUE
 
 PS 
 
 c 
 
 Copyright, 1895, 
 
 BY 
 UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN STORIES. 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS, ... 1 
 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY, ... 9 
 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS, . . . .17 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN DEEP WATER, . .27 
 
 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE, . . . .35 
 
 WOMIN is QUEER, 45 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN s NIGHT OFF, . . . .53 
 MR. FADDEN s POLITICAL EXPERIENCE, . . 61 
 
 LOVE AND WAR, 69 
 
 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY, . . . .79 
 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID, . . . 87 
 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY, . .97 
 
 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN, . . .107 
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN MCFADDEN 117 
 
 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL, . . .129 
 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL, . . . .137 
 A CHAPPIE, THE DUCHESS, AND CHIMMIE, . . 147 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN COURT 155 
 
 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP 163 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL, . . .175
 
 iv CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 OTHER STORIES. 
 
 A LOST CHORD 183 
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE, 1 
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE, S*v 
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY 215 
 
 ANDRE WAS FRESH 227 
 
 "ME SIDE-PARDNER," 237 
 
 AT THE OLIVEDO, 249 
 
 BEHIND THE PORTIERES, 261 
 
 MAJOR MAX STORIES. 
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH, 273 
 
 No ONE IN TOWN, 283 
 
 AT THE FRENCH BALL, 289 
 
 ANONYMJE AT PYRAMID CITY, .... 303 
 
 A CELESTIAL STRIKE, 309 
 
 How TO BE ESTEEMED THOUGH WITTY, . .313 
 
 THE NEW EDITOR 319
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 "Well, I d had his odder ear off if the cop hadn t 
 snatched me," ..... Frontispiece 
 
 "When I sees a mug wid a dyed mustache kinder jolt 
 agin her, and he raises his dicer and grins," . 3 
 
 "Den is Whiskers called me in, " . . . .43 
 
 " Cert nly, me dear Hortense, I says, chuckin her 
 under de chin," ....... 152 
 
 "His bared and battered head was upturned to the 
 glittering stars, " ....... 190 
 
 " You are really a very handsome girl, as I supposed, ". 269 
 
 " You no like my cooking, me no cook, that heathen 
 answered," 310 
 
 " Are you the editor? he asked softly," . 343
 
 The "Chimmie Fadden" and "Major Max" 
 stories were written for and first published in the 
 New York Sun. They are repuhlished in this 
 form by permission of Mr. Charles A. Dana ; 
 editor of The Sun. 
 
 The " Other Stories" were written for and first 
 published in the San Francisco Argonaut. They 
 are republished in this form by permission of Mr. 
 Jerome A. Hart, editor of the Argonaut. 
 
 "The New Editor," included in this volume, 
 has not before been published. 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS.
 
 * O AY, I m a dead easy winner to-day. See? 
 It s a fiver, sure nough. Say, I could give 
 Jay Gould weight fer age an lose im in a walk 
 as a winner. See? How d I collar it? Square. 
 See? Dead square, an easy. Want it fer a story? 
 Why, sure. 
 
 " Say, you know me. When I useter sell poipers, 
 wasn t I a scrapper? Dat s right, ain t it? Was 
 dere a kid on Park Row I didn t do? Sure. 
 Well, say, dis mornin I seed a loidy I know cross- 
 in de Bow ry. See? Say, she s a torrowbred, 
 an dat goes. Say, do you know wot I ve seed her 
 done? I ve seed her feedin dem kids wot gets 
 free turk on Christmas by dose east side mission- 
 ers. She s one of dem loidies wot comes down 
 here an fixes up old women and kids coz dey likes 
 it. Dat s right. 
 
 " Well, say, I was kinder lookin at er when I 
 sees a mug wid a dyed mustache kinder jolt ag in 
 er, an he raises his dicer an grins. See? Say, 
 dat sets me crazy. Lemme tell ye. Remember 
 when der truck run over me toes? Well, I 
 couldn t sell no poipers nor nutting den. See?
 
 4 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS. 
 
 Say, she was de loidy wot comes ter me room wid 
 grub an reads ter me. Dat s what she done. 
 
 " Well, I runs up to her dis mornin , an I says: 
 "Scuse me, loidy, but shall I tump der mug? 
 
 " She was kinder white in de gills, but dere was 
 fight in her eye. Say, when yer scrap yer watches 
 de odder felly s eye, don t ye? Yer kin always 
 see fight in de eye. Dat s right. Well, say, dere 
 was fight in her eye. When I speaks to her she 
 kinder smiles an says: Oh, dat s you, is it, 
 Chimmie? 
 
 "Say, she remembered me name. Well, she 
 says: If you ll tump de mug no, dat wasn t 
 wot she says If you ll trash de cur I ll give yer 
 somethin , an she pulled out her wad an flashed 
 up a fiver. Den she says somethin about it not 
 being Christian, but de example would be good. 
 I don t know what she meaned, but dat s straight. 
 See? Wot she says goes, wedder I m on or not. 
 
 " Can you trash im, Chimmie? she says. 
 
 " Can I? I says. I ll put a new face on im. 
 
 " Den I went fer im. Say, I jolted im in de 
 belly so suddent he was paralyzed. See? Den I 
 give im de heel, an over he went in de mud, an 
 me on top of im. Say, you should have seed us ! 
 Well, I d had his odder ear off if de cop hadn t 
 snatched me.
 
 "WHEN i SEKS A MUG WID A DYED MUSTACHE KINDER JOLT AGIN EH, AN 
 
 HE RAISES HIS DICER AND GRINS. " Page 3.
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS. 5 
 
 " Say, he ran me in, but it wasn t ten minutes 
 before she come dere and squared me. See? 
 When she got me outside she was kinder laffin 
 an cryin , but she give me de fiver an says: I 
 hope de Lord ll forgive me, Chimmie, for leadin 
 yer into temptation, but yer done im brown. 
 
 "Dat s right; dem s er very words. No, not 
 done im brown; dat s wot dey meaned say, 
 trashed im well. Dat s right. Trashed im 
 
 well, was her very words. See? " 
 
 ****** 
 
 " Say, I knowed ye d be paralyzed wen ye seed 
 me in dis harness. It s up in G, ain t it? Dat s 
 right. Say remember metellin ye bout demug 
 I t umped ferde loidy on de Bowery? de loidy wot 
 give me de five and squared me wid der perlice? 
 Dat s right. Well, say, she is a torrowbred, an 
 dat goes. See? Dat evenin wot d ye tink she 
 done? She brought is Whiskers ter see me. 
 
 "ISTaw, I ain t stringin ye. Is Whiskers is de 
 loidy s fadder. Sure. 
 
 " E comes ter me room wid der loidy, is Whis 
 kers does, an he says, says e, Is dis Chimmie 
 Fadden? says e. 
 
 " Yer dead on, says I. 
 
 "Wot fell? e says, turning to is daughter. 
 Wot does de young man say? e says.
 
 6 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS. 
 
 " Den de loidy she kinder smiled say, yer otter 
 seed er smile. Say, it s cutter sight. Dat s right. 
 Well, she says: I tink I understan Chimmie s 
 langwudge, she says. E means e is de kid yuse 
 lookin fer. E s der very mug. 
 
 "Dat s wot she says; somet in like dat, only a 
 felly can t just remember er langwudge. 
 
 " Den is Whiskers gives me a song an dance 
 bout me bein a brave young man fer t umpin der 
 mug wot insulted is daughter, an bout is heart 
 bein all broke dat is daughter should be doin 
 missioner work in der slums. 
 
 "I says, Wot fell; but der loidy, she says, 
 Chimmie, says she, me fadder needs a footman, 
 she says, an I taut you d be de very mug fer der 
 job, says she. See? 
 
 " Say, I was all broke up, an couldn t say not- 
 tin , fer is Whiskers was so solemn. See? 
 
 " Wofs yer lay now? says is Whiskers, or 
 somet in like dat." 
 
 " Say, I could ave give im a string bout i&e 
 bein a hard-workin boy, but I knowed der loidy 
 was dead on ter me, so I only says, says I, Wot 
 fell? says I, like dat, Wot fell? See? 
 
 " Den is Whiskers was kinder paralyzed like, 
 an e turns to is daughter an e says, dese is is 
 very words, e says :
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS. 7 
 
 " Really, Fannie, e says, really, Fannie, you 
 must enterpert dis young man s langwudge, e 
 says. See? 
 
 " Den she laffs an says, says she : 
 
 " Chimmie is a good boy if e only had a 
 chance, she says. 
 
 "Den is Whiskers esays, I dare say, like dat. 
 See? I dare say. See? Say, did ye ever ere 
 words like dem? Say, I was fer tellin is Whiskers 
 ter git fell outter dat, only fer der loidy. See? 
 
 " Well, den we all give each odder a song an 
 dance, an de end was I was took fer a footman. 
 See? Tiger, ye say? Naw, dey don t call me no 
 tiger. 
 
 " Say, wouldn t de gang on der Bow ry be 
 paralyzed if dey seed me in dis harness? Ain t it 
 great? Sure! Wotamldoin ? Well, I m doin 
 pretty well. I had ter furnpa felly dey calls de 
 butler de first night I was dere for callin me a 
 heathen. See? Say, dere s a kid in der house 
 wot opens der front door wen youse ring de bell, 
 an I win all is boodle de second night I was dere 
 showin imhow ter play Crusoe. Say, it s a dead 
 easy game, but der loidy she axed me not to bunco 
 de farmers deys all farmers up in dat house, dead 
 farmers so I leaves em alone. Scuse me now, 
 dats me loidy comin outer der shop. I opens de
 
 8 CHIMMIE FADDEN MAKES FRIENDS. 
 
 door of de carriage an she says, Home, Chames. 
 Den I jumps on de box an strings de driver. 
 Say, e s a farmer too. I ll tell you some more 
 bout de game next time. So long."
 
 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY.
 
 "OAY, if I didn t come near gittin de gran 
 bounce, de straight trim out, me name s not 
 Chimmie Fadden. Dat s right. Sure, en say, is 
 Whiskers was crazy. 
 
 "Listen. De old mug calls me a unregenerate 
 heathen! Did ye ever hear such langwudge? 
 I m gettin on to dem big words, sure. Un-re- 
 gen-er-ate. Say, dat snot bad fer a mug like me. 
 How d it happen? Easy. Trouble allus comes 
 dead easy ter me. See? I d a been trun out bod ly 
 cept fer der loidy, Miss Fannie. Yes, we calls 
 er Miss Fannie. All de hands calls er Miss 
 Fannie, sure. 
 
 " It was dis way. Dey gives a party up dere de 
 odder night. Say, dey s allus given parties dere. 
 See? Well, de mug dey calls de butler de one I 
 had de scrap wid e says ter me, says e, e says, 
 Chames, says e, Chames, you ll help de kitchen 
 servants to-night, e says. 
 
 " T ell I will, I says. See? I says, T ell I 
 will. 
 
 "But Miss Fannie, she makes a sneak ter de 
 barn, where I wasteachin de coachman s kid how 
 
 ter pat fer a jig, an she says, says she : 
 
 11
 
 12 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY. 
 
 " Chimmie, she says. Chimmie, you ll do 
 what de butler tells ye, or I ll break yer face, she 
 says, Miss Fannie does. See? 
 
 " Naw, not dem words, but dat s wat dey means. 
 Say, a felley can t allus be memberin just de 
 words dose folks use. But dat s wot dey means. 
 
 " Dat goes, Miss Fannie, I says. Dat goes, 
 says I, fer what she says goes if I have ter lick de 
 biggest mug on eart to make it go. See? 
 
 " Well, as I was tellin ye, dey gives de party 
 an I helps in de kitchen. Say, it ud killed ye 
 dead ter seed me. Apron? Sure! an apron wid 
 strings on it, an it comes down ter me feet. 
 Dat s right. I kuowed t would kill ye. 
 
 " Well, as I was tellin ye, I helps in de kitchen 
 widde heavy stuff, an I never tuk so much jawin 
 in me life. Say, I d a slugged de whole gang of 
 dose farmers if it hadn t been fer makin a racket 
 wot ud queered Miss Fannie; she bein me backer, 
 kinder. Well, bime-by all demugs begins feedin 
 in a big room where dey s a little room offen it dey 
 calls de pantrj . I sneaks in dere once ter look at 
 de mugs, like all de kitchen hands was sneakin 
 in, and dere was a lot of bots in de pantry, an I 
 just naturl y swipes one under me dinkey apron. 
 See? Dat s right, ain t it? 
 
 " When I gets a chanst I trun it out n de windy,
 
 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY. 13 
 
 aimin fer de grass; but, holy gee! it hits some 
 mug plunk on is nut. Say, I was near crazy. I 
 snook out dere, an dere was de coachman s kid 
 chokin isself tryin not to howl, wid is ead in 
 is paws, where de bot had hit im right over is 
 ear. Dat s right. Sure. 
 
 " Oh, it s yuse, Chimmie Fadden, e says, 
 says e. It s yuse, an yer stealin champagne, 
 e says, holdin up de bot I d swiped. 
 
 " I m stealin nottin , yer jay, I says, an I gives 
 im a jolt in de jaw, see? I knowed e couldn t 
 howl, an I was dyin fer a scrap, but dere was no 
 fight in im, see? E only says, says e, give me 
 half de bot, e says, an I ll not tell on ye. 
 
 "Dat goes, I says, and we sneaked de bot ter 
 de barn, where e opens it. Say, did ye ever drink 
 dat stuff, champagne? Holy gee, it s rank! It s 
 like beer wid sugar an winigar inter it. Sure. 
 Dat s right, I only took one glass, an dat s all de 
 champagne Chimmie Fadden wants. I ve heered 
 em jaw bout Bowery whiskey, but it s milk 
 longside dat stuff. Say, it s no good. 
 
 "Well, I sneaked back ter der kitchen an left 
 der kid wid de bot. See? Say, if de kid didn t 
 collar de whole bot I m a chump. Sure. De 
 whole bot, I m tellin ye. Dat s right. 
 
 " Well, after de party de coachman finds is kid
 
 14 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY. 
 
 paralzyed on de barn floor. Paralyzed, see? All 
 de old mug could get out n de young mug was a 
 song an dance bout me. Say, everyt ing dat 
 goes wrong bout dat barn, it s all put on me. 
 Sure. 
 
 " Well, de coachman grabs me an takes me to 
 is Whiskers, who was talkin wid Miss Fannie 
 bout de party, an e says, says e: 
 
 " Dis villian has murdered me son, e says. 
 
 " Say, you d a died if you d seen de picnic. Is 
 Whiskers was all broke up, an talks crazy bout 
 murder comin ter is house tru is daughter tryin 
 ter reform de slums. 
 
 " Murder nothin, I says. Wot t ell, I says, 
 like dat. I says, Wot t ell. De kid s nut 
 is cracked, an e s punished de bot, I says. Wot 
 t ell ! E ll be all right in de mornin . 
 
 " Say, is Whiskers couldn t understan me, so de 
 whole gang of us, is Whiskers, Miss Fannie, 
 coachy, an me, goes ter de barn. Well, you d 
 died if you d seen de kid. He d kinder taken a 
 brace, an was tryin ter do a dance I d teached 
 im. He had de bot in is arms an was singin a 
 dinky song bout razzle-dazzle. Is face was all 
 blood from where is nut was cracked by de bot ; 
 an holy gee e was a bute ! 
 
 " Say, I could see is Whiskers wanted ter laugh,
 
 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY. 15 
 
 an Miss Fannie wanted ter cry, an coachy was 
 struck dead dumb; so, nobody sayin nottin , I 
 just taut I d be social like, an so I just chipped 
 in wid, Oh, wot a diffrunce in de mornin ! Den 
 is Whiskers says, says e: Chimmie Fadden, e 
 says, yuse is a unregenerate heathen, an you ll 
 have to go. 
 
 " Say, wot de ye tink Miss Fannie done? She 
 says, No, fadder, says she; no, I tink Chimmie 
 is not de only sinner here. Give im anodder 
 chanst, she says, an she pulled de old mug s 
 whiskers, like de loidy in de play. Dat s right. 
 Dat s wot she done. Ain t she a torrowbred? 
 
 " Well, is Whiskers says somet ing bout its 
 bein better for im ter bring de slums ter Miss 
 Fannie radder den Miss Fannie goin ter der slums. 
 Den e tells er ter go in de house, an says e ll 
 tend ter me. Say, mebby yer t ink e didn t. 
 Well, e took me in de harness-room an e just 
 everlastin lambasted de hide off n me. Sure. 
 Say, is Whiskers is a regl ar scrapper. See? Say, 
 e t umped me good, an dat s right. E says, 
 says e: 
 
 " Miss Fannie ll look after yer soul an I ll look 
 after yer hide, e says. 
 
 "Say, I m kinder gettin stuck on is Whiskers. 
 
 "Well, so long. I ve got ter get busy. I m
 
 16 CHIMMIE ENTERS POLITE SOCIETY. 
 
 takin a note from Miss Fannie ter er fadder. 
 I m stuck on dat job. When I goes ter is office 
 e gives me twenty-five cents ter ride home. I 
 walks, an I wins de boodle. See?"
 
 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS.
 
 , me name s Dennis, an not Chimmie 
 Fadden, if dem folks up dere ain t got boodle 
 ter burn a wet dog wid. Sure. Boodle ter burn 
 a wet dog wid. I m tellin yer, and dat s right. 
 See? 
 
 " Say, dey makes it dere own selves. Naw, I 
 ain t stringin yer. It s right. How? Listen: 
 Miss Fannie, she sent fer me, an she was writin , 
 she was, in a little book, an when she writ a page 
 she teared it out an pinned it on a bill. 
 
 "Here, Chames, she says ter me, she says. 
 Here, Chames, take dese bills an pay dem, she 
 says. 
 
 " Wot fell will I pay dem wid, Miss Fannie, 
 I says. Like dat, Wot fell will I pay dem wid? 
 I says. See? 
 
 "Say, wot der yer tink she says? She says, 
 says she, Pay dem wid de checks, Chames, she 
 says. See? Dere s a check pinned on every bill, 
 she says. 
 
 "Say, I taut she was stringin me; but I tinks 
 ter meself, if she wants ter string me, it goes. See? 
 Wot Miss Fannie does goes, wedder it makes me 
 
 look like a farmer or not. Dat s right. 
 
 19
 
 20 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 
 
 " Well, I taut I d get a roast when I d try ter 
 pass off dose tings she writ out fer boodle. See? 
 Wot do yer tink? Why, every one er dose mugs 
 dere was a candy store, an dere was a flower 
 store, an dere was a store where dey sells womin s 
 hats, an , holy gee! dere was all kind er stores all 
 dose mugs, I m tellin ye, dey just takes off der 
 hats when I shoved de boodle Miss Fannie made 
 at em. Dat s right. Dat boodle was as good as 
 nickels. Sure. 
 
 " Well, I was clean parylized, an when I gits 
 home an was goin ter Miss Fannie wid de bills I 
 meets a mug in de hall dey calls de walley. Say, 
 all dat mug does fer is wages is ter take care of 
 is Whiskers s whiskers. Sure. E is is Whisk- 
 ers s walley. When is Whiskers wants a clean 
 shirt dat walley gits it for im, and tings like dat. 
 
 "I wouldn t mind dat snap meself, only is 
 Whiskers is a reg lar scrapper an can do me. 
 
 " Well, I was tellin yer bout meetin de walley 
 in de hall. I told im dat Miss Fannie could make 
 boodle outter paper, just like de President er der 
 United States. 
 
 " Say, wot de yer tink dat mug done? E gives 
 me de laugh. See? Gives me de laugh, an says 
 I m a ig rant wagabone. 
 
 " Wot fell! I says ter im. I may be a waga-
 
 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 21 
 
 bone, I says, but I m not ig rant, I says, like dat. 
 Wot fell. See? 
 
 "Miss Fannie can t make boodle, says e, no 
 more nor I kin, e says. Dem s checks, e says. 
 
 " Say, I was kinder layin fer dat dude, anyhow, 
 cause e is allus roastin me. So when e says 
 dat, I gives im a jolt in de jaw. See? Say, e 
 squared isself in pretty good shape, an I taut I 
 had a good scrap on me hands, when in comes Miss 
 Fannie s maid. 
 
 "Say, she s a doisy. Yer otter see er. I m 
 dead stuck on er. She s French, an talks a forn 
 langwudge mostly. 
 
 " When she showed up in de hall I drops me 
 hands, an de odder mug e drops is hands, an I 
 gives er a wink an says : 
 
 " Ah dere, Duchess ! like dat. See? Ah dere, 
 Duchess ! 
 
 " Den I chases meself over ter er and trows me 
 arms round er an gives er a kiss. 
 
 "Say, yer otter seed dat walley! I taut I d die! 
 Holy gee, e was crazy ! E flies outter de hall, 
 but I didn t know den wot is game was. I soon 
 tumbled, dough. 
 
 " Well, as I was a-telling ye, I gives de Duchess 
 a kiss, an she says Vat on, like clat. Dat s er 
 forn lanwgudge. Vat on. See?
 
 22 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 
 
 "Howde yer say it is? Va-t-en? Is it get 
 out? 
 
 "Holy gee! Is dat so? 
 
 "Well, seem as how I wasn t onto er lan- 
 gwudge, den, I gives er anodder kiss. 
 
 "Dat s right, ain t it? When a felley meets a 
 Duchess e s stuck on, it s right ter give er a kiss, 
 ain t it? Sure. 
 
 " Well, she runs a big bluff of prertendin not ter 
 like it, an says lace moy and finny say. 
 
 "How de yer say it is? Finissez? Naw, dat 
 ain t right. Finney say, she says, says she, but 
 er langwudge bein forn I wasn t dead on all de 
 time, an so I says nothin but just kept busy, I 
 kept. 
 
 " Say, I was pretty busy when in tru de door 
 comes. Miss Fannie and dat mug, de walley, an 
 catched me. Dat s wot dat mug went out fer, ter 
 give me snap away ter Miss Fannie. 
 
 "Say, but Miss Fannie was red! An pretty! 
 She was just pretty up ter de limit, I m tellin ye. 
 Up ter de limit. See? 
 
 "She gives me a look, an I was parylized. 
 See? 
 
 "But, holy gee! Ye otter seed de Duchess. 
 She was as cool an smooth as ever yer seed any 
 body in yer life. I taut she d be parylized, but
 
 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 23 
 
 say, womin is queer folks, anyhow, an ye never 
 know wat fell dey ll do till dey do it. Sure. 
 
 "Miss Fannie, she began talkin dat forn lan- 
 gwudge ter de Duchess, but de Duchess she 
 humped er shoulders an she humped er eyebrows 
 an looked as surprised as if she d put on her shoe 
 wid a mouse in it. 
 
 "Den de Duchess she says, says she, talkin 
 English, but kinder dago like de kind er dago 
 dat French folks talk when dey talks English. 
 See? She says, says she : 
 
 " Meester Cheemes e don t do nottin, she says, 
 like dat, see? 
 
 "Say, wasn t dat great? Are ye on? See? 
 Why, yuse must be a farmer : I was dead on ter 
 onct. Say, de Duchess talked English ter tip me, 
 see? She didn t want me ter give de game away. 
 
 " Miss Fannie, she was dead on too, fer she got 
 redder, an looked just like a actress on top er de 
 stage, sure. She told de Duchess ter talk dat forn 
 langwudge, I guess, fer dey jawed away like a 
 ambiance gong, an I was near crazy, fer I taut I 
 was gettin de gran roast an I couldn t under- 
 stan dere talk, see? 
 
 " Bout de time I taut I d drop dead fer not 
 knowin wot fell dey was sayin, Miss Fannie 
 she turns ter me an says, says she:
 
 24 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 
 
 " Chames, she says, wot was yer doin of? 
 she says. 
 
 " Nottin, I says; nottin tall, Miss Fannie, 
 says I, onty askin de Duchess where fell yer 
 was, I say, so I could give yer de bills wot I paid 
 wid de boodle, I says. 
 
 "Then Miss Fannie she taut er while, an she 
 says suddent, says she: Wot did she say when 
 yer ast er where I was? she says. 
 
 "Say, dere was where I was a farmer, a dead 
 farmer. Stid of chippin in wid a song and dance 
 bout something or nodder, I was so stuck on me 
 langwudge dat I said dose words de Duchess 
 spoke, wot I was tellin ye of: vat on, an lace 
 moy, an finney say. 
 
 "Say, wot fell do dem words mean, anyhow? 
 
 "Holy gee! is dat so? get out, an let me be, 
 and stop. 
 
 "Say, holy gee, I was a farmer, an dafs 
 right. 
 
 " Well, when I said dem four words Miss Fan 
 nie she bit her lips, an twisted her mouth like 
 she d die if she didn t laugh. But de Duchess, she 
 gives me one look like she d like ter do me, an 
 chased erself outter der hall. An me stuck on 
 er, too! 
 
 " Say, womin is queer folks, anyhow ; an when
 
 CHIMMIE MEETS THE DUCHESS. 25 
 
 yer stuck on yerself de most dat s when dey trows 
 yer down de hardest. See? 
 
 " Say, fallin in love has taut dis mug one ting, 
 dead. I don t go monkeyin wid no forn lan- 
 gwudge no more. Sure. Straight English is 
 bout me size. See?"
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN DEEP WATER.
 
 , ye remember me tellin ye bout de Duch 
 ess, Miss Fannie s French maid, wot trim 
 me down jess as I was gittin stuck on me- 
 self? Well, say, she s a chim dandy, and dat 
 goes. After dat row, wen I gives her away by 
 sayin dose forn langwudge words wot she said, 
 she was dead sore on me. I tries me best ter jolly 
 er up, but de game didn t work, an I was all 
 broke up, cause I am stuck on de Duchess. See? 
 
 " Well, de odder day Miss Fannie she sent out 
 ter de barn an says she wants her cart sent roun , 
 an dat I was to go wid er. 
 
 " De cart is a little waggin wid only two wheels, 
 an I rides up be ind wid me back ter de boss, an 
 Miss Fannie, she drives. Say, mebby ye tink she 
 can t drive? Wy, she drives out er sight; up ter 
 de limit, I m tellin ye. Well, as I was a-holdin 
 de boss in front of de house, out comes Miss Fan 
 nie wid de Duchess, and dey gits in de front seat 
 and I jumps up be ind. Say, I was tickled ter 
 deaf, fer we was a-goin out ter a ospital, fell and 
 gone beyond de Park, an I taut I d git er chance 
 
 ter jolly de Duchess when Miss Fannie goes inter 
 
 29
 
 30 CHIMM1E FADDEN IN DEEP WATER. 
 
 de ospital wid nice grub fer de kids wot as queer 
 backs an crooked legs. See? 
 
 "Well, w en we gits ter de ospital I jumps 
 down ter hold de boss, an Miss Fannie she gits 
 outer de cart an tells de Duchess ter chase erself 
 in wid de grub. 
 
 "Say, I tink Miss Fannie was dead onter me 
 game ter jolly de Duchess, an dat s w y she 
 chases er in der ospital. But de Duchess she s 
 fly, she is; fly up ter de limit, an she leaves one 
 of de bundles of grub in de cart. Pretty soon she 
 comes chasing out after de bundle wot she left, 
 an she gives me er wink an says, wid er dago 
 talk, de kind er dago French folks talk w en dey 
 talks English, an she says, says she, Cheemie, 
 she says, yer a leetle brute, she says like dat, 
 see? Yer a leetle brute. 
 
 " Yer a angel, Duchess, I says, yer a angel, 
 an ye broke me all up w en yuse trim me down, 
 says I, an I gives er a paralyzing smile. See? 
 
 " Vat ye mean by truii ye down? says de 
 Duchess, wile she makes er bluff of not findin de 
 bundle. 
 
 "Say, wen she says dat I know d she was jess 
 givin me a song an dance bout me bein a brute. 
 See? I know d from de way she says it, an I 
 seed dat she foun de bundle, but wasn t breakin
 
 CHJMMIE MADDEN IN DEEP WATER. 31 
 
 er neck a chasin erself in wid it. So I says, 
 says I: Duchess, I says, purlite as could be, says 
 I: Duchess, if dere was no mugs aroun ere I d 
 give yer a kiss, I says. 
 
 " Well, she kinder laughs an says: Mebbe dere 
 won t be no one roun w en ye brings in Miss Fan 
 nied rug, wot I ll leave in de cart w en we se git 
 ome, says she. Den she chases erself in de 
 ospital. 
 
 "Say, now, on de dead level, ain t she up ter de 
 limit? Are ye on to de tip she was a givin me? 
 I wonder! 
 
 " Well, jess as she made er snealt a mug comes 
 along on hossback, an e kinder pipes off de Duch 
 ess, an den e pipes off me, and den e pipes off de 
 cart, an wid dat e stops is hoss. 
 
 " De mug was no dude, I could tell dat, but e 
 kinder wore close like er dude. 
 
 "W en e stops e says ter me, says e: Whose 
 groom is yuse? 
 
 "I ain t nobody s groom, I says. I was hired 
 for a footman. Dat s wot Miss Fannie says, an 
 wot she says goes, I says. 
 
 " Say, w en I says dat e kinder looks queer, and 
 e rides off an den e rides back. I was dead 
 crazy cause I couldn t git onto is curves. I was 
 jess tinking of trunning a rock at is hoss w en e
 
 32 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN DEEP WATER. 
 
 says: "Ere s something fer yuse, e says, an e 
 gives me a plunk. 
 
 " Don t yer know wot a plunk is? W y it s er 
 case, er doller. Sa} , youse ain t as fly as I taut. 
 Sure. 
 
 " Well, as I was a tellin ye, e gives me a plunk, 
 an den e gives me a letter, an tells me ter give 
 it ter Miss Fannie. De letter, I mean. 
 
 " Den I was worse off is curves dan before, but 
 de mug was a gent or I m a farmer, so I jess says, 
 Tanks, boss, an e rides off. See? 
 
 "Well, I taut I d keep de letter ter give ter de 
 Duchess ter give ter Miss Fannie. Ye see, worn in 
 is queer folks, an dey allus is crazy ter be let in 
 on der game, wotever it is, an I taut if I d give 
 de mug s letter ter de Duchess first it would make 
 me solid wid her. See? 
 
 " Well, w en we gits home de Duchess leaves de 
 rug in de cart, like she says she would, an I chases 
 in wid it from de barn. De Duchess was waitin 
 fer me, an I gives er de letter. Say, she nearly 
 had a fit. Sure. She made me tell de whole snap 
 over a tousan times; an den wot de ye tink she 
 done? She trun her arms aroun me, an gives 
 me a hug an a kiss dat nearly done me. Den she 
 runs away. Say, I m tellin ye straight, I was so 
 dead stuck on meself dat I beeran doin a dance
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN DEEP WATER. 33 
 
 right dere. But, holy gee! A mug wot tinks Vs 
 in it w en is Duchess jollies im fer doin some- 
 t ing she likes, dat mug is a dead farmer. It ain t 
 yuse wot s in it, it s wot yuse done wot s in it. 
 See? 
 
 " In less n no time de Duchess comes chasing 
 back wid er cheeks afire, an weeps in er eyes, 
 an she gives me a crack in de jaw wot knocked 
 me silly. 
 
 " Wot fell? I says. Wid dat she gives me 
 back de letter and gives me anodder crack. 
 
 "Dat s wot I got, she says. How you like 
 im? 
 
 " Den she tells me de mug is a gent wot Miss 
 Fannie s fadder, is Whiskers, ye know, is dead 
 sore on, but dat Miss Fannie she was dead stuck 
 on im, but is Whiskers wouldn t have im dere. 
 De mug ad been away in forn parts an jess come 
 back. De Duchess taut Miss Fannie would like 
 de letter, but she was dead sore on de Duchess for 
 givin it ter er, an wouldn t open it ter read wot 
 was writ on de inside. 
 
 " Den she s dead sore on me, too, says I. 
 
 "Well, wot de yuse tink? De Duchess said she 
 never gave me away ter Miss Fannie! Sure. Dem 
 women folks has curves in der brains a mug never 
 can tumble to. An dat goes. De game is too
 
 34 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN DEEP WATER. 
 
 slick fer Chimmie Fadden, sure. I gets a letter 
 from a mug wot Miss Fannie likes, an gives it 
 ter de Duchess. De Duchess gives me a kiss fer 
 givin er de letter, cause er maid allus stan s in 
 wid de mug wot de fadder is sore on. I m on ter 
 dat much. Den Miss Fannie she jumps de Duchess 
 fer givin er de mug s letter, an de Duchess she 
 jumps me, but she never queered me wid Miss 
 Fannie by tellin dat I was de mug wot collars de 
 letter. She does biff me in de jaw, dough, an 
 dat s wot sets me crazy. See? 
 
 " Say, I m tinkin women allers does a ting cause 
 dey don t wantter: or mebbe dey don t wantter 
 cause dey can. Dere curves is too much fer a 
 farmer like me. 
 
 "Well, so long. I m goin ter a club down ere 
 ter take dat letter back ter de mug. I wonder will 
 e want dat plunk back. Well, de plunk don t 
 go. See?"
 
 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE.
 
 "OAY, wot fell is dem clubs, anyhow? Mem 
 ber me tellin ye bout takin back de letter 
 to de mug wot I give de Duchess fer Miss Fannie? 
 Naw, not de mug I give de Duchess, but de letter. 
 Sa} T , don t yuse get funn}^ wid me. See? 
 
 " Well, I goes to de club wot de Duchess tells 
 me an rings de bell, an er Buttons e opens de 
 door, an I asks fer de mug wot de Duchess tells 
 me. See? Buttons e wants ter know has I er 
 message fer de gent, an I sa} s I has, an e says 
 ter give it t im. I tells im not on is life; dat I 
 mus see de gent meself. Well, e takes me ter a 
 little room an leaves me dere, wile e chases isself 
 off ater de gent. See? 
 
 " Den I seed de queerest fakes ye ever seed in 
 yer life. 
 
 "Dere was mugs an mugs waltzes in an gives 
 dere coats to de Buttons, but dey keeps on der 
 dicers an der canes, an den dey mostly goes in 
 er room wid little tables an orders drinks. Say, 
 dere wasn t er mug pays fer is drink all de time 
 I was dere. Dat s right, sure. Dey d get dere 
 drinks an den write wid a pencil on er piece er
 
 38 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 
 
 paper de Buttons gives em. Say, I tink I m on 
 ter dat game. Dey was doiii wot Miss Fannie 
 done de time I was tellin ye of w en she makes 
 money by jes writin on er piece er paper. Dat 
 was wot is Wiskers s walley called er check. 
 
 "Well, as I was er tellin ye, I was in de little 
 room wen pritty soon de gent I was after comes 
 in. See? E was harnessed out in is riding 
 close, an e carries dat little dinky wip wot gents 
 carries wen dey rides. See? Know what I mean? 
 One er dem little sawed-off wips widout any lash ; 
 only a dinky little loop at de end fer ter hang it 
 up by. Open gates wid, you saj T ? But dere ain t 
 no gates. 
 
 " Well, wen e sees me e kinder grins, and e 
 kinder don t grin; like a felly yer scrappin wid 
 wots bigger dan yuse, an yuse give im er jolt in 
 de jaw, an e runs er bluff at grinning. See? 
 Say, I was kinder sorry fer de mug. Sure. I 
 knowed dat e got er jolt in der jaw wen e sees 
 de letter in me fist, an I hates ter give it to im; 
 but de Duchess gives me de orders, an I wasn t 
 goin to queer meself wid er any more, so I pokes 
 de letter at im. 
 
 " Say, wot de ye tink happened right den? Ye d 
 never guess, but it paralyzed me. Say, is Wis- 
 kers, Miss Fannie s fadder, comes in de club an
 
 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 39 
 
 e passes de door of der room ware we was jes as I 
 gives de letter back to de mug. Well, holy gee! 
 I taut I d go crazy when I see is Wiskers look in 
 de room, kinder careless like, and see me givin 
 de letter te de gent. Say, is Wiskers was as wite 
 as yer shirt, sure. .Den e steps in de room and e 
 shuts de door behind im. Well, I m givin it to 
 you straight; I was paralyzed up te de limit, sure. 
 
 " First I taut wot de Duchess would tink of it, 
 den I fergot all bout de Duchess wen I began 
 tinkiii bout Miss Fannie ; cause I kinder tumbled 
 dat de game wasn t goin er way more dan enough. 
 Den I says ter meself, says I, Chimrnie Fadden, 
 I says, Chimmie, don t yuse be er farmer, I 
 says. 
 
 "Wen is Wiskers shuts de door de gent turns 
 aroun, an e gits kinder wite, too; but e hists is 
 dicer and bows, like gents do ter loidies on de street, 
 and is Wiskers e hists is dicer, an e bows, too. 
 
 "Den is Wiskers e says, says e, for I member 
 de words, cause I tolo em ter de Duchess, but, of 
 course, a felly can t member all dose words, e 
 says : 
 
 " Pardin me fer sayin dat I has a interest in 
 any letters me servant has to give to yuse, e says. 
 
 "Before de gent says er word I says, says I, 
 quick I says :
 
 40 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 
 
 " I didn t bring no letter, I says, I foun de 
 gent s wip on de road, I says, an was jes fetch- 
 in it back to im, I says, see? says I. 
 
 "Well, I was er farmer. Dat s all I am, any 
 how, a dead farmer; for is Wiskers says, Hold 
 yer mug no yer tongue, e says; an de gent 
 e says, Yer servant as return me wot I sent yer 
 daughter, e says. 
 
 "Dat s right. I m givin it ter yer straight. 
 Sure. De gent gives roe dead away, an I was 
 nottin but a farmer in de game. 
 
 " Is Wiskers e never looks at me, but e says, 
 an all dey says is in er low voice, as perlite as two 
 loidies, e says: 
 
 "I m glad, sir, dat me daughter as honor 
 enough ter return de letter, even if yer hasn t de 
 honor not ter send it, says e. 
 
 "Den you outter seed de gent! I couldn t get 
 on to wot is Wiskers d said ter ruff de gent, but 
 e was as dead sore as if is Wiskers d called im 
 er liar. E was all red an wite in er minute, an 
 I was lookin sharp fer a scrap, an tinkin wot 
 fell I d do in der scrap. See? I didn t know 
 wich mug I d slug, fer one was Miss Fannie s 
 fadder, an de odder was er felly, as near as I 
 could tumble ter de game. 
 
 "But dough dere was scrap in dere eyes, dey
 
 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 41 
 
 never scrapped, but jes talk perlite, usin dose 
 words dat ain t jes English, an ain t jes forn, but 
 is jes kinder dude, like actors speak out on top er 
 der stage. 
 
 " Der gent e says someting bout not havin 
 written Miss Fannie er letter, but only jes sent er 
 someting from er friend of er s in forn parts. E 
 told is Wiskers dat e didn t like ter tell de friend 
 in forn parts dat e couldn t fetch nottin for er, 
 an e said e knowed dat if he sent it by der Post- 
 Office it wouldn t git ter Miss Fannie. 
 
 "When e said dat is Wiskers kinder flustered, 
 an de gent e went on wid is song an dance, an 
 e said dat was de reason e gave de ting ter me, 
 happenin as how e seed me wen e was out ridin . 
 
 " Wen e d finished wid is talk den e, all of a 
 suddint, tored open de envelope an took out a little 
 bit of er dude hankychief, wot loidies carries, wot 
 is all full of holes made in der hankychief, an 
 showed it ter is Wiskers, an e says, says degent: 
 
 "Me sister asked me ter fetch dis over ter Miss 
 Fannie. Me sister don t know, e says, wot as 
 happened twixt yuse an me, says e, an I didn t 
 tell er, so I fetched it for er. Dat s all. 
 
 " Den is Wiskers looks kinder queer, an I was 
 watchin im close. I don t know wot made me 
 done it, but I ups an says, says I:
 
 42 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 
 
 " If Miss Fannie knowed dere was nottin but er 
 dinky little wipe in der enwelope I guess she 
 wouldn t er cried so w en she tole de Duchess er 
 maid, I mean ter make me chase back wid it, I 
 says. 
 
 " Say, dat s de time Chimmie Fade! en wasn t no 
 farmer. De gent e turns red and looks out de 
 windy, an is Wiskers first e looks at me, an 
 den e looks at de gent, and den e hemmed, like 
 e d got some wisky down is winpipe, an den e 
 says, says e: 
 
 " I owes yer a polgy, e says, an e holds out 
 is hand. Den dey shake, an is Wiskers, e hawed 
 some more, an e says, not jes dese words, but dis 
 is wot he meaned, e says: 
 
 " Mebby dere is someting dat can be explained 
 bout dat odder matter, e says. 
 
 " Den de young gent says, quick : 
 
 " Yuse never lowed me no tunity, e says, 
 meaning e never got no chanst ter square imself. 
 See? Den is Wiskers says dat p r aps dere was 
 some haste. I tink e meant dey d rowed before 
 dey knowed wot dey was rowin bout, but I 
 couldn t make out jes wot, cause is Wiskers pipes 
 me off jes den, an e says, says e, 
 
 " Git outter ere, yer brat, says e, 
 
 " So I chases meself out by de door and strings
 
 "DEN is WHISKERS CALLED ME IN. Page 43.
 
 CHIMMIE OBSERVES CLUB LIFE. 43 
 
 de Buttons, till all of a suddint I was dead para 
 lyzed by seem is Wiskers and de gent come march- 
 in out of de room, arm in. arm, an dey make 
 straight fer one er dose little tables, an in a minute 
 a Buttons was fetchin dem a small bottle. Sure. 
 
 " Den is Wiskers called me in, and e says, chip 
 per as a four-time winner, says e: 
 
 " Go home an order me carriage down ere an 
 tell Miss Fannie dat dere will be er friend ter din 
 ner, and wid dat is Wiskers nods at de gent, who 
 was smiling like er cat wot is took in out of der 
 cold. 
 
 " Say, de ye tink I chased meself up de avenue? 
 Well, I chased up ter de limit, sure. I didn t 
 have much breathe left w en I got home and tole de 
 Duchess, and wot breathe I did have de Duchess 
 squoze outter me w en I sung me song te er. 
 
 " But dere was no kick comin ter me bout dat, 
 sure."
 
 WOMIN IS QUEER.
 
 **O AY, womin is queer folks, ain t dey? It don t 
 make no difrunce wedder dey is like de 
 Duchess, wot trots in my class, or wedder dey is 
 torrowbreds like Miss Fannie, dey is all queer. 
 See? I was tellin yer bout de mug wot is stuck 
 on Miss Fannie squarin isself wid is Wiskers, 
 Miss Fannie s fadder. Member? Bout de letter 
 I tuk back te de mug in de club? Yes, dat s de 
 mug I mean, sure. 
 
 " Well, let me tell ye ; dat felly e is a torrow- 
 bred, an now dat e is all square wid is Wiskers 
 e is makin up fer lost time round our way. Dat s 
 right. Say, I was goin ter tell yer bout how 
 queer womin is, but I guess I m gettin er little 
 looney meself, all along wid de same game. If 
 yuse see any er me old gang, don t put dem on te 
 de way Chimmie Fadden lost is grip, cause dey d 
 string de life outer me an I couldn t kid dem back, 
 all along wid womin bein so queer. See? 
 
 " Well, Avare was I at? De mug wot squared 
 imself wid is Wiskers? Dat s right. I was tell - 
 in yer bout is bein up ter our house all de time 
 
 now. Well, de funny ting erbout it is dat now 
 
 47
 
 48 WOMIN IS QUEER. 
 
 dat Vs back an ev ryting is up te de limit wid 
 Miss Fannie, she ain t breakin er neck no more 
 bout no orphans, nor no kids in hospitals wid 
 crooked legs, nor no old womin wot ain t got no 
 good grub nor no Bibles in de slums. See? 
 
 " Say, ain t dat kinder queer? Yuse would tink 
 dat now dat t ings is comin er way more dan 
 enough she d be tinkin bout de dead ducks, an 
 dinky-backed kids, an old womin outer work, wot 
 ain t got nothin comin dere way cept de winter, 
 an de landlord, an de measles, an dose t ings. 
 Dat s right, ain t it? 
 
 " Say, I was er farmer ter tink so. Womin is 
 queer, an de more yuse tink er bout dere game 
 de more of a farmer yuse get till yuse can t see 
 fer de hayseed fallin outer yer hair. Dat s 
 straight. 
 
 "Lemme tell ye. I was sayin te de Duchess 
 dat I was paralyzed cause Miss Fannie quit de 
 slums and tings like dat soon as de mug wot is 
 er felly comes back. De Duchess she says ter me, 
 she says, in dat forn French dago wot she talks 
 English in, ye know, says she: Chimmie, she 
 says, yuse are a little heathen fool, an don t know 
 wot love is, says she. See? 
 
 " Duchess, I says, puttin me arm round er 
 waist ware we was sittin one night when she was
 
 WOMIN IS QUEER. 49 
 
 waitin for Miss Fannie to come home, says I, tell 
 me wot it is, I says like dat. See? 
 
 " Den she says dat love is wot made Miss Fannie 
 go inter de slums, an love was wot makes er fer- 
 get de slums. 
 
 "Did yuse ever hear such talk like dat? Say, 
 she must take me fer er worse gillie dan I am, an 
 dat s wot I was sayin ter er when in ware we 
 was sittin walks dat mug I wus tellin ye of wot 
 fixes is Wiskers shirts s and tings like dat, wot 
 dey calls is Wiskers s valley, not walley. 
 
 "Say, I ll slug de head off en dat valley some 
 day, sure. 
 
 " Wen e comes in de Duchess she chases me 
 te de odder side de room an begins gettin gay 
 an givin me de laugh, an jollyin up dat valley 
 till I near dead wid not knowin wedder I was in 
 it er not. See? 
 
 " Wen she d give me de laugh and jollied dat 
 valley till I d been off me nut if I d hung round 
 dere any longer, I chased meself out te de barn an 
 pegged de coachman s kid in de mout fur string- 
 in me on bein cooked. 
 
 " Well, I had me buttons off, an was rigged up 
 in me new dude harness, wot Miss Fannie gives 
 me fer meself de day after I helped square er 
 felley wid is Wiskers at de club, an I gets tired
 
 50 WOMIN IS QVEER. 
 
 peggin de kid, an I gets tired of everyt ing, so I 
 goes out on de avenue fer a walk. Yuse never 
 seed me in dat harness, did ye? Say, it would kill 
 ye dead to see me in it. I look like a acter, sure ! 
 
 "As I was tellin ye, I went out on de street, an 
 who de ye tink I meets? Miss Fannie s felley a 
 comin away from de house ware Vd fetched Miss 
 Fannie an is Wiskers from de teater dey d been 
 ter. Is name is Burton, but dey calls im Hal, 
 cause is front name is Harry, an e was wistlin 
 like er kid, wen e sees me an says, says e: 
 Hello, Chimmie, esays, out fer de air? says e. 
 
 " I m goin to wet me new harness, I says. 
 
 "Den e laughs, an says, says e, Here s some- 
 ting te wet dem wid, e says, an gives me a 
 plunk. 
 
 " I pockets de plunk, wen e pipes me off jes 
 under de lectric light, an e says, kinder jollying 
 me, says e: Yer off yer feed, Chimmie, e says, 
 wot sailin ye? 
 
 " Say, down ware I was raised wese don t go 
 chasin roun tellin w en wese gets de gaff, fer ye d 
 only get de laugh fer it, see? But e was kinder 
 jolly wid is Avay, and I was kinder looney, I 
 guess, so I tells im how I was outter de game 
 wid de Duchess, an e didn t give me de laugh 
 er t all.
 
 WOMIN IS QUEER. 51 
 
 " E taut er wile, den e says, says e, Ain t der 
 anodder Duchess in de house? e says. 
 
 " Dere is a little chip, I says, wot dusts de 
 rooms, and tings like dat, says I, meanin one er 
 de help wot had kinder been jolly in me. But 
 she ain t me size, I says. 
 
 " Never mind de size, says e. Jes yuse jolly 
 er ter-morrow, an let de Duchess see it, e says, 
 an tings will come yer way, I guess, says e. 
 
 " Say, wot I wants to know is, how fell e could 
 know dat? See? 
 
 " But lemme tell ye. De next day I meets de 
 chip jes as I seed de Duchess er comin long de 
 hall, an I begins jollyin er up to de limit, like de 
 mug Mr. Burton, I mean had put me onto. See? 
 
 " Say, ye d a died if ye d seed de Duchess. She 
 told de chip te chase erself te de housekeeper, an 
 den she sung me a long song an dance bout me 
 bein er flirt, an tings like dat, wot dey talks 
 erbout out on top er de stage, an says, says she, 
 trowin erself on me shoulder, she says, Chimmie, 
 yuse have broken me heart, says she. Dat s 
 straight. Sure. 
 
 " But wait till I tell ye. Jes den dat valley 
 comes chasin imself along, an wot do yuse tink 
 dat Duchess done? Say, she gives im er slap in 
 der jaw an gives me a kiss 1
 
 52 WOMIN IS QUEER. 
 
 "Now, wot fell does dose tings mean? Dat 
 mug, Mr. Burton, e must know, cause e put me 
 onter de game. But e chased imself all over 
 forn parts te find out, I was tinkin . 
 
 "De next time I seed im I tells im dat, an e 
 laughs an says, says e: Forn travel don t help, 
 e says. It took yuse te square me, an it took 
 me te square yuse, e says. Womin is queer 
 wherever dey be, says e, an I tinks dey is."
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT OFF.
 
 " O AY, I m feelin up ter de limit dis week. 
 See? I had, what s dat yuse calls dem tings? 
 Blue devils? Dat s right. I had dem last week. 
 Sure. Well, tings is comin my way agin dis 
 week. See? 
 
 " De Duchess an me is jes like two purps in er 
 basket wot de man shows on de street fur sale. I 
 means wese is pretty comfortable, an ain t sayin 
 nottin ter nobody. See? 
 
 " But lemme tell ye wot happened ter put me on 
 de inside der game up ter our house. Ye know 
 is Wiskers, Miss Fannie s f adder? Well, say, 
 de old gent is er sport, an dat goes if e hears it. 
 See? I taut e was er kind er mishioner, wot tells 
 de mugs in der slums dat dey isn t doin right ter 
 be so dirty an ragged an poor, and tings like dat; 
 jes like dey was dirty an ragged an poor cause 
 dey likes it. Are ye on? Well, say, e ain t dat 
 kind er mug, but e does pass de chip-in-de-nickel- 
 box on er Sunday, cause I see im doin of it at 
 de church wot we drives im an Miss Fannie ter 
 on er Sunday. 
 
 " But, say, I m gettin on te is curves, an I m 
 
 kinder stuck on em. See? 
 
 55
 
 56 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT OFF. 
 
 " I was goin te tell ye bout is bein er sport. 
 Ye see de Duchess an me we gets er night off 
 togedder, de odder night, an I says te er, says I, 
 Duchess, I says, wot s de matter wid yuse an 
 me goin te de teater? I says, like dat, says I. See? 
 
 "Well, de Duchess she tells me ter put on me 
 new street togs, de new harness wot Miss Fannie 
 gives me I was tellin you of, an she d meet me ; 
 cause Miss Fannie she s er little shy bout me an 
 de Duchess bein togedder. See? 
 
 "Say, I don t know w y Miss Fannie is so dead 
 sore bout dat. If she knowed how hard I has ter 
 member ter mind me manners, and jolly de Duch 
 ess perlite, jes ter keep in de game er tall, she 
 wouldn t be breakin er neck tryin ter keep de 
 Duchess and me way from each odder. Sure. 
 
 "Dat s funny bout womin, anyhow. Miss 
 Fanny ain t fraid of erself wid dat mug wot s er 
 feller, dat Mr. Burton ; but she s dead leary bout 
 de Duchess an me, cause she ketched me givin de 
 Duchess er kiss. Praps, dough, she don t know 
 dat de Duchess an me has ketched er givin dat 
 mug er kiss. 
 
 " Say, I m tinking dere aint nottin wrong in de 
 kiss, cept gettin found out, an she don t know 
 we finded er out, so she tinks de game is square 
 wid er an de mug, an crooked wid de Duchess
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT 9FF. 5? 
 
 an me. Say, I ain t got no kick comin ter me: 
 wot Miss Fannie tinks goes. But dat aint wot I 
 was goin ter tell ye bout. 
 
 "Well, we meets round de corner; de Duchess 
 tellin Miss Fannie she was a-goin ter er sick aunt, 
 an me tellin de butler dat I was goin ter de night 
 school fer me English. Wait till I tell ye. All 
 dem mugs up te our house says I don t talk Eng 
 lish. Say, aint dat de best joke youse ever heard? 
 An me wot uster sell poipers right on Park Row ! 
 Say, I knows more English in er hour dan dat 
 whole gang of forn dagos an Britishers knows in 
 der lifes. But I aint peeping er a word ter dem. 
 I jes lets dem tink I m ignorant and takes nights 
 off fer der night school, an goes te de teater. 
 
 "Wot was dat I was tellin y use bout? Oh, 
 yes, bout is Wiskers bein er sport. Well, say, 
 you d died er laughin if you d seen im. Say, 
 don t yuse tink I m sayin er word agin im, fer I 
 ain t. E s Miss Fannie s fadder, and dat s all e 
 needs ter be ter make wot he does go, if I has ter 
 fight ter make it. See? But Miss Fannie ain t 
 got no mudder, so e ain t got no wife; an dat 
 makes er diffrunce, don t it? Sure. 
 
 "Well, as I was tellin ye, I had on me new 
 togs, and was lookin pretty slick, an de Duchess 
 say, yuse otter seed er : she was lookin up ter
 
 58 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT OFF. 
 
 de limit inj one er Miss Fannie s hats an one er 
 dem cloaks wid fur on de rim. I had er couple 
 er plunks say y use is a farmer; er plunk is er 
 doller wot Miss Fannie s felley, Mr. Burton gives 
 me. Say, Vs me friend. E pungles beautiful ! 
 So we went down to de concert hall cause de 
 Duchess she says, says she, in dat forn French 
 dago wot she talks, dough I m teachin er straight 
 English as fast as I can, says she: Mon doo! 
 Cheemie, she says. Take me where I can har er 
 Christian lanwudge speaked, says she, meaning 
 dat she wanted te hear dat forn French wot de 
 loidy sings out on top er de stage, wot the Duchess 
 can understan widout nobody tellin er de mean- 
 in of it in English. 
 
 " Say, de Duchess is a corker, sure. 
 
 "Well, wese was sittin dere, drinkin er glass 
 er mixed ale like two swells, wen, holy gee ! Wot 
 do yuse tink I seen? Say, I m given it to yuse 
 straight; de wind er something blowed er curtain 
 in one er dem boxes up on one side, an dere was 
 is Wiskers with a fairy in de box ! Sure. I 
 nudged de Duchess, an she nearly had er fit 
 laughin wen she seed is Wiskers. 
 
 " But dat wasn t de best of it. Is Wiskers hap 
 pened ter look down, and I m er farmer ef e didn t 
 see me before e jerked de curtain back.
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT OFF. 59 
 
 " Well, wese was sittin dere, wen one er dem 
 mugs wot shows ye where yer seat is comes up 
 and whispers ter me ; e says : Is yuse Chimmie 
 Fadclen? says e. 
 
 " Dat s me name, says I. 
 
 " Yer wanted up in dat box, e says, pointing 
 to is Wiskers box. Den e told me to folly im, 
 an I tells de Duchess to wait, an I goes along wid 
 de mug, see? 
 
 " Say, I was feeling kinder queer, cause I taut 
 sure I d have er scrap, an I wasn t mindin bout 
 is Wiskers doin me, cause dat ain t much wen 
 yer used ter it, but I was tinking I d get me new 
 close all mussed up wot Miss Fannie give me. 
 
 "Say, I was dead paralyzed wen I got ter de 
 box, for wot de yuse tink is Wiskers done? E 
 comes out er de little door in de back er de box, 
 an e says, says e, smiling like e d been a sure 
 winner, e says ter me: Chimmie, he says, I 
 hopes yer enjoyin yerself, says e. 
 
 " Tings is comin me way a little, I says, see 
 ing im draggin is vest pocket. 
 
 " Well, says e, have a good time wid dis, e 
 says, an e tips me wid a fiver. And dis is fer 
 Hortense, meanin de Duchess, cause dat s er 
 name; an e winks at me, gives me anodder fiver 
 for de Duchess, an goes in ter de box.
 
 60 CHIMMIE FADDEN S NIGHT OFF. 
 
 " Say, dat knocked me silly. I went back to de 
 Duchess an asks er wot fell does it mean, an she 
 has anodder fit. Den she says, says she: Chee- 
 mie, lend me dat fiver of yours, an I ll tell yuse 
 wot it means. So I coughs up me fiver, an den 
 she says: It means dat yuse is not to say iiothin 
 to home bout seein is Wiskers in dis place till I 
 gives yer back yer fiver, she says. 
 
 "Say, I ain t got back me fiver yet, so I ain t 
 savin notin at home, but is Wiskers is makin 
 tings come me way pretty easy dese days. See?"
 
 MR. FADDEN S POLITICAL EXPERI 
 ENCE.
 
 u OAY, yuse want t take yer hat off t me an* 
 call me Mister Fadden. Chimmie don t go 
 no more. See? I ain t wearin de same size hat 
 I was, an I m smokin Gyptian cigarettes an 
 drinkin absence froppy. I m up t de limit, an 
 I m strikin er great pace t get on de odder side 
 of it. Sure. Dere ain t nobody in sight er me. 
 Dat s right. 
 
 " Wait till I tell ye bout it. Ye knows dat mug 
 wot is Miss Fannie s felly, Mr. Burton? Well, 
 e s er member of dat Congress wot goes t Albany 
 fer t make laws fer de lawyers. See? E s er 
 member from er jay district where farmers is, 
 cause is modder lives dere so she don t have t 
 pay no taxes an meet new folkses in de city, cause 
 she s er ristocrat. Dat s wot de Duchess says, 
 an she knows mor n a newspoiper. Dat s de way 
 de mug comes t be erlected from de jay district, 
 fer e ain t no jay imself. E s wot dey calls er 
 dude in polytics, dough e ain t no dude, needer. 
 
 " Well, e was er goin t make er song an dance, 
 er speech, I mean, up dere in Albany, an Miss 
 
 Fannie, she was er breakin er neck wantin t go 
 
 63
 
 64 MR. FADDEN S POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. 
 
 an hear im. She was er singin er song t* is 
 Wiskers, dat s er fadder, till e says e has some 
 business wot would fetch im up dere an e d take 
 Miss Fannie er long. So Miss Fannie, er course, 
 she taks de Duchess, hut I didn t know wot fell 
 kind er game I d play t get took. See? 
 
 " Say, wot de ye tink I done? I goes t is Wis 
 kers valley an tole im I d tump im if e didn t 
 play like e was sick an couldn t go wid is Wis 
 kers, an e said e d radder stay t home dan be 
 tumped, an I tole im e had a great head on im, 
 cause if I tumped im e d have t stay anyhow. 
 See? Den when de valley played sick I goes t is 
 Wiskers and says couldn t I go in is valley s place, 
 an e kinder grinned an says Yes, cause e ain t 
 sayin No t me much since I piped Mm off in de 
 box at de show wid de fairy wot I wos tellin ye 
 of before. See? 
 
 " Well, when we chased ourselves up dere t 
 Albany, dere was er mug wot Miss Fannie s felly 
 had a jawin match wid, cause Mr. Burton, dat s 
 Miss Fannie s felly, wouldn t tell de mug how e 
 was goin t vote on er ting wot deys all had t vote 
 on. See? Dey comes nigh havin er scrap, and 
 dere was pieces put inter de poipers bout de mug, 
 wot dey calls er lobbist, and Mr. Burton, wot dey 
 calls er dude in poly tics, like I was tellin ye.
 
 MR. FADDEN S POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. 65 
 
 "Well, say, wot do ye tink? Dat mug de lob- 
 bist, e seen me wid de folkses, an e winks t me 
 one time, an I tumbled, an folleyed im t is 
 room. Den e sets up er drink an er cigar, like I 
 was a gent; an e says, says e, after askin me 
 name, an sayin I was er pretty smooth chap, an 
 songs an dance like dat, e says : Is ten-doller bills 
 comin yer way so much yuse has bother er dodg- 
 in em? says e. 
 
 "Say, I wasn t on t is game. See? So I says, 
 says I: Well, I says, if I hustles lively I keeps 
 from gettin snowed under wid em, I says. 
 
 "Den e gives er big laugh, an e says e tinks 
 I ll do. 
 
 " Do wot? says I, puffin me cigar jes like im, 
 so e wouldn t catch me curves. 
 
 " Well, e goes on an says dat dere is ten plunks 
 in it fer me to fine out how Mr. Burton was goin 
 t vote on dat ting, an e tole me wot it was all er 
 bout, an e ast me did I know dat French maid 
 pretty well. 
 
 " I tole im wese was tick as two tieves, an e 
 says dat was de game 1 could work on. Burton 
 would sure tell Miss Fannie, she d tell de Duchess, 
 and de Duchess d squeal to me. 
 
 "Say, I was dead paralyzed, but I jes looked 
 wise an said nottin only s long.
 
 66 MR. FADDEN S POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. 
 
 " Den I chased after de Duchess, an I gives er 
 de hull game. 
 
 " De Duchess she does er heep er tinkin , an den 
 she puts up de slickest job yuse ever heard tell of. 
 She makes me go wid er where she knowed de 
 lobbist would be on t us, an wese talks togedder, 
 an talks togedder, an talks togedder. Den she 
 goes away, an comes back an hands me a en 
 velope, an tells me wot t do, all de time talkin t 
 me, when she knowed dat mug was pipin 1 of us. 
 
 "I didn t know wot fell was in de envelope, 
 only dat dere wasn t nottin dat would give Miss 
 Fannie s felly away, cause I wouldn t have dat. 
 See? 
 
 " Well, I takes de envelope f de mug, de lobbist, 
 an I says f im, says I: I can t cough up wot yuse 
 want, says I, less dan twenty-five plunks, cause 
 I s have f whack up wid de Duchess, I says. 
 See? I says, like dat. See? I says. 
 
 " Wot ye got? says e. 
 
 " I s got how e s goin f vote, says I, in de 
 envelope, I says. 
 
 "Let s see it, says e. Let s see it, cause I 
 ain t goin f buy no pig in no poke, e says. 
 
 " Den I puts de envelope in me pocket an I says, 
 startin fer de door, I ain t no farmer dis year, I 
 says. Crops is too short for me health, says I.
 
 MR. FADDEN S POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. 67 
 
 " Den e laughs, an e says dat I was er pretty 
 fly boy, an otter be in poly tics, an e pungles de 
 twenty-five plunks, an I coughs up de envelope. 
 
 " Den e opens de envelope an e reads like dis v 
 5 e reads: Mr. Burton is goin t vote de way e 
 wants ter. 
 
 " Say, when I heard wot de Duchess had writ I 
 nearly had er fit, fer I taut de mug would slug me 
 an drag me jeans fer de boodle; but e never. 
 
 "First e gets red, an den e looks at me kinder 
 queer like, and den e says, Chimime, yer got all 
 yer ast fer, didn yeV says e. 
 
 " Dat s right, I says, not knowin wot was 
 comin next, an lookin roun t see wot chair I d 
 grab, if e jumped me. 
 
 "Den e taut er while an e says: I was square 
 wid yuse, so yuse be square wid me. Does it goV 
 
 " Dat goes, I says, an wot de ye tink? E digs 
 up er nodder fiver an gives it t me, an e says, 
 says e: If yuse tell dis story t de poipers don t 
 say my name. 
 
 " Say, dat s all dat mug said, an when I tells 
 de Duchess she says we was farmers not t touch 
 im for fifty nstead of twenty-five. 
 
 "Say, dat Duchess has er great head. Sure. 
 Ain t dat right?"
 
 LOVE AND WAR.
 
 ** QAY, I was tinking I was eatin nothin but 
 hot honey puffs, when all of er suddint I got 
 me mout full er cold pretzel. Are yuse on? 
 
 " Wait till I tell ye: I taut I didn t have t jolly 
 de Duchess no more t keep er in line wid me> 
 cause wese was pardners in dose snaps like wot I 
 was tellin ye bout, up t Albany, where dey makes 
 dose laws fer de lawyers. See? No? Say, yuse 
 er me is er farmer, an I guess it s bote. 
 
 " How fell was I t know dat I d have t be er 
 jollyin an er chasin de Duchess all de time after 
 I was onct solid wid er ; after I left de odder mug, 
 dat valley, is Wiskers s valley, at de post, an me 
 come in er easy winner? 
 
 "Dat s wot I done, didn t I? Well, dere ain t 
 no tellin bout womin. 
 
 " Say, I taut I d beat out dat valley, hands down, 
 so I stopped runnin ; but de mug wot tinks e s er 
 safe winner when womin is de stake, dat mug is 
 er farmer. Sure. 
 
 " Lemme tell ye. Miss Fannie s felley, Mr. Bur 
 ton, e s up t Albany all de time dese days cept- 
 
 in Saturday an Sunday, wot s is days off, so 
 
 71
 
 72 LOVE AND WAR. 
 
 Miss Fannie she got tinkin agin bout de crooked- 
 leg kids in de hospitals, an de old womin in de 
 tennemints wot don t have nothin but Bibles an 
 tings like dat to keep derselves warm wid dese 
 days. So she says t me one day, says she, 
 Chames, she says, Chames, put on yer street 
 harness close I means put on yer street close 
 an go wid me, she says, t de mission. 
 
 " De mission s de joint on de east side where 
 Miss Fannie uster go all de time when is Wiskers 
 chased Mr. Burton t forn parts, wot I was tellin 
 ye bout. Wese goes down dere in de street cars, 
 cause dey strings ye down dere if } T e goes in er 
 carriage, an Miss Fannie she puts on er dress wot 
 she tinks looks like er factory girl s dress. 
 
 " Say, ye d die if ye d see wot she tinks looks 
 like er factory girl. It looks like one er dem loidies 
 wot plays on der stage when dey goes t de war t 
 be nurses when dere felly s is sojers. See? She 
 looks up t de limit, I m tellin 3*6, but no more 
 like er factory girl dan I looks like der statoo on 
 Park Row. 
 
 "Say, wot was I er tellin ye of? De Duchess? 
 Well, I puts on me street close, an Miss Fannie 
 she comes down t de door where I was waitin wid 
 de basket er grub ; an , my ! she looked outter sight. 
 Den de Duchess she comes chasm along all togged
 
 LOVE AND WAR. 73 
 
 out in er dinky little hat wid fedders, an er cloak 
 wid fur rims onto it, what Miss Fannie had give 
 er, an she looks like she was made up fer de 
 matinee. I knowed Miss Fannie didn t want de 
 Duchess chasin along wid us in dat harness, but 
 she don t never jaw nobody ; so de tree of us goes 
 down t de mission, an I had t tump a gang er 
 kids de first ting fer yellin , Pipe de dago fairy! 
 when dey got onto de Duchess. 
 
 " Well, at de mission, Miss Fannie, she got de 
 names and where dey lives, of some ole womin 
 wot didn t know where fell dey d git de grub t 
 keep dem outter de morgue. 
 
 "Say, wot d ye tink? De first place wot Miss 
 Fannie says we d go wid de grub was er ole woman 
 wot uster let me sleep in er room sometimes wen 
 I didn t have no odder place t sleep. Say, dat 
 drove me crazy, cause I knowed Miss Fannie d 
 ketch me in er lie dere. 
 
 "Well, say, wen wese all chased up de stairs 
 t de room wot de ole woman lives in, dere she 
 wus cookin er tea an er steak over de fire, an 
 er lookin as fit as er tree-times winner. Miss 
 Fannie she looks s prised, but only says she s 
 fetched er grub, an den dat ole womin went an 
 gives me dead away. 
 
 " Sure, says she, bowin an grinnin at de
 
 74 LOVE AND WAR. 
 
 Duchess, tinkin she was Miss Fannie cause of 
 de harness she wored, sure, Miss Fannie, she 
 says, it s good ye are t come an see me, after 
 sendin me de money by Chimmie last night, she 
 says. See? 
 
 " Hold yer mug, ye onresonable ole hag, I says 
 t er, fer I was dead sore cause she was peachin 
 on me. Hold yer mug, I says. 
 
 " Say, yuse know how dem ole womin talks when 
 dey gits goin . Ye couldn t put em out wid er 
 fire engine; an she went jawiu on, talkin t de 
 Duchess. Chimmie tole me ye sent de money, 
 she says, an it saved me from freezin an starv- 
 in , an e tole me wot er beautiful young loidy ye 
 was, but e didn t say half ernough, says she. 
 
 ; Den Miss Fannie, she looks at me kinder queer, 
 and she says, says she, speakin kinder soft like, 
 wot makes er mug all broke up, an e can t say 
 nottin , kinder, she says; I guess it s Chames wot 
 otter get yer tanks, sa}*s she, an de ole woman 
 didn t know wot fell, cause she taut Miss Fannie 
 was de maid an de Duchess was Miss Fannie, an 
 er course she couldn t tumble t de game, bein 
 kinder loony anyhow, wid havin too much rheu- 
 matiz an not ernough grub an fire. 
 
 " Den I tole de ole woman dat she was er chat- 
 terin ole magpipe, an dat de Duchess wasn t Miss
 
 LOVE AND WAR. 75 
 
 Fannie, but only a dago i jit wot had no more sense 
 dan t go chasin roun de slums in better close dan 
 er mistress, I says t er. Wot fell, I says, like 
 dat. See? 
 
 " I was dat crazy wid bein foun out dat I guess 
 I was talkin troo me hat, but Miss Fannie she 
 looked at me wid er big eyes dat way wot makes 
 yer have t talk kinder rough or yer can t talk t 
 all. See? I hadn t done notin , anyhow; only 
 jes t take some er dat boodle wot we done outter 
 dat lobbist mug in Albany an give it ter de ole 
 woman fer de lodgin wot she uster give me when 
 I didn t have none. 
 
 " Den Miss Fannie she took outer de basket some 
 er dat soft red grub wot s in dinky little jars, an 
 sweet, an opens it, an fixes up de teatable, an* 
 makes de Duchess an me hustle roun cleanin 
 tings ; an she s er talkin an er singin all de time, 
 till de shaky ole woman was er talkin an* er 
 laughin , like she d allus had plenty er grub, an* 
 didn t have no rheumatiz t keep er from workin* 
 for more. 
 
 " Well, we went chasin roun de slums till dark, 
 an Miss Fannie seed I was dead sore at bein foun 
 out and never jawed me t all, but jes jollied me 
 and said I was a bully boy. 
 
 " Say, er course dat made me feel like er peach,
 
 76 LOVE AND WAR. 
 
 an sides dat de Duchess was er goin wid me dat 
 evenin t de Park t see de swells er skatin , so 
 when I seed er in de room where all de help eats 
 I says t er, says I: Duchess, are ye wid me 
 t night? 
 
 " Say, she gives me er look like she wanted ter 
 give me er poke in de eye wid er stick, an she 
 says: No, Meester Chames, sa3 7 s she, no, I m 
 goin out wid er gent, she says. 
 
 "Den all de help wot was dere, eatin dere din 
 ner, dey gives me de laugh. 
 
 " Den I says t er : Wot s de matter wid me bein 
 er gent? says I, like dat. Wot fell? I says. 
 See? 
 
 " Gents don t tell loidies dey is dago ijits like 
 yuse tole me, she says. I m goin out wid 
 Meester Hobbs, says she, meanin dat mug wot s 
 is Wiskers s valley. Den dey all gives me anod- 
 der laugh. 
 
 " Say, I was paralyzed, dead paralyzed. I taut 
 I was er peach, an I was nottin but er farmer; for 
 she done me dat hard in front er all de help dat I 
 come near losin me nerve. But all of er suddint I 
 catches Maggie s eye, wot s de housemaid I was 
 er tellin yer of, an I gets up and says, says I : 
 Maggie, me dear, I says, Maggie, I owes yer a 
 pology. It was yuse I ast ter go t see de swells er
 
 LOVE AND WAR. 77 
 
 skatin , an I come near forgettin . If ye ll grant 
 me pardin , says I, usin all dem dude langwudge, 
 cause dat makes de Duchess crazy, she bein forn, 
 if ye H grant me pardin , we ll go ter de Concert 
 Hall, stid er de Park, an hear de " Man in de 
 Moon," an have some mixed ale, I says, bein as 
 dude as a acter. 
 
 "Say, Maggie is er peach, an dat goes. She 
 was on t de game wid bote feet in er minnit. 
 
 "Wid pleasure, Chimmie, says she, givin de 
 Duchess de laugh, cause she s dead sore on er; 
 wid pleasure, Mr. Fadden, I ll go t de theayter, 
 fer only common flat servants goes t watch de 
 skaters. 
 
 "Say, ain t dat Maggie er peach? De Duchess 
 was dead crazy, an Hobbs nearly had er fit when 
 I says t im, I says: Hobbs, me boy, says I, if 
 yuse an de Duchess wants t ride out in de stage, 
 I ll lend yer half er case, fer I ve more boodle dan 
 I can spend, I says. 
 
 " Well, all de help turned de laugh on de Duchess 
 and de valley, and I tumbled dat de Duchess was 
 jess as sore as me, but dat don t do Chimmie Fad- 
 den no good. 
 
 "Maggie s er peach, an she talks straight Eng 
 lish, like me, but she ain t de Duchess. 
 
 "Say, it s funny bout dose tings; I don t know
 
 78 LOVE AND WAR. 
 
 wedder I was de sorest cause de Duchess didn t 
 go \vid me, er cause she did go wid Hobbs, er 
 wot fell. But I learned one ting sure; if dere s 
 er woman in de game yuse wanter keep yer eye 
 peeled all de time, fer if yer snooze why, when 
 yer wakes up yer ain t in it. Dat s right."
 
 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY.
 
 "OAY, what d ye tink I done? I took de Duch- 
 ess t de Roseleaf Social Outin an Life- 
 Savin Club s dance. Sure ! Don t ye know dat 
 club? Say, yuse otter get quainted in siaty. 
 Dat s one er de swellest clubs down where I uster 
 live, but I never taut I d get er invite ter its dance. 
 I m gettin up in de world, sure, an I ll be outter 
 sight if I keeps on. De Roseleaf s in winter dey 
 dances, an in summer dey has picnics on dose 
 barges what gits towed up de river, wid mixed 
 ale. Dat s wot makes it social an dat s wot 
 makes it outin . See? Wot makes it life savin 
 is cause no gents can pack no gun nor no knife 
 t de dance, nor t de outin . Dat s right, ain t 
 it? De club is high-toned, an I m givin it t ye 
 straight. 
 
 " Well, I was tellin ye : I met er mug wot s er 
 barkeep on de Bow ry, wot I uster know before e 
 got high-toned, an now e knows me again cause 
 I got high-toned, an e says t me, e says: Chim- 
 mie, says e, like I was er old pal, e says: Chim- 
 mie, would yuse like er invite t de Roseleaf dance? 
 e says. See? 
 
 " Why, sure, I says, sure. Wot s de damage? 
 81
 
 82 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY. 
 
 " Fifty cents fer hat check, e says, an mixed 
 ale five cents er glass fer wot ye order. 
 
 " Does one hat check take in er loidy? I says, 
 cause I m onto dem mugs. See? 
 
 " Sure, says e, an I says dat goes; tinkin I d 
 take de Duchess an paralyze dose mugs dead. 
 
 " Well, dat s wot she done. Lemme tell ye. De 
 Duchess an me was dead sore cause of me string- 
 in er dat time wot I took Maggie t de teayter. 
 Member? When I says t er, says I, Duchess, 
 will ye go t de Roseleaf dance wid me? she 
 says, De ye mean me, er de ye mean Madmosell 
 Maggie? which is wot she calls Maggie, bein 
 forn. 
 
 " So I jollies er an tells er dat de Roseleafs 
 was a corker wot Maggie wasn t good nough fer, 
 an she says she d go, an promises t borry de 
 valley s spiketail coat fer me. 
 
 " Say, yer otter seen me ! I was up t de limit, 
 only de coat fitted me too much. De sleeves was 
 over me fists, an de tails was outter sight. 
 
 "But, holy gee! I wasn t in it longside de 
 Duchess. Ye d had er fit ter seen er. It was like 
 dis : Miss Fannie had er dress made wid dem hoops 
 wot mebbe yuse heard tell of, an she wored it 
 onct, but is Wiskers, dat s Miss Fannie s fadder, 
 e near died er laughin when e seed it, an e
 
 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY. 83 
 
 strings er so dat she never wored it no more, but 
 gives it t de Duchess. See? 
 
 " Say, when de Duchess snook outter de house 
 dat night an met me roun de corner I taut er 
 balloon was chasin me. 
 
 " Duchess, I says, when I could talk fer laugh- 
 in , Duchess, dere ll be er riot at de Roseleaf if 
 yer goes in dem togs, I says. 
 
 " T ell wid de Roseleaf, says she, only not in 
 dose words, but in er forn words wot means dat. 
 Wot fell, she says. If dose Roseleaf don t knows 
 wots der fashion, I ll learn em, she says. 
 
 " Dere s some style bout de Duchess, I m tellin 
 ye, an I was stuck on er grit; so we chases our 
 selves down t de hall where de dance was. Dey 
 was all dere when we got dere, an, say, if de 
 King an Queen of England had er waltzed in, de 
 Roseleafs couldn t been no more paralyzed. Dey 
 was dead paralyzed, I m tellin ye. 
 
 "De band, wot was er pianner an er fiddle, had 
 just started when me friend, de barkeep, wot was 
 goin ter lead de march, e stopped de music, an 
 e says: Loidies and gents, says e, dis is Mister 
 Chimmie Fadden and is loidy fren ; Mr. Fadden 
 and loidy, de Roseleaf, loidies an gents, e says. 
 
 " Wid dat de Duchess she gives em er bow wot 
 killed em dead.
 
 84 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY. 
 
 " Say, ye otter seen it. It was like er loidy out 
 on top er de stage. Sure. 
 
 "Den me friend, de barkeep, e says: Mr. Fad- 
 den an is loidy fren will lead, e says. 
 
 "Say, I taut I d go tru de floor; but de Duchess 
 she gives me er brace, an we chases off wid de 
 band er play in an all de gang chasin after us, 
 an de Duchess steered em roun like dey never 
 was steered, an stid er stringin de Duchess, like 
 I taut dey would, dey gives er de greatest game 
 er jolly ye ever seed. Wese was in it, and dat s 
 straight. 
 
 " I can t dance dose dinky dances wot dey dance 
 in games like dat, only jigs I can dance, dat s all; 
 so me fren, de barkeep, waltzes off wid de Duch 
 ess after de march, an I takes er glass er mixed 
 ale wid de barkeep s loidy fren . Den de Duchess 
 an de barkeep comes up and he sets em up, an 
 de whole gang er mugs chases up dere an nods t 
 de Duchess fer de nex dance, like dey do, but she 
 wasn t on ter wot fell dey meaned, an she jes 
 nods back. See? Dat s wot made trouble. Well, 
 den dere was er riot, sure. Every mug she nodded 
 ter taut dat he d collared de nex dance, an when 
 de band started de music, all de mugs holds out 
 der hands an de Duchess was paralyzed, bein 
 fora an not tumblin . In er minute dey was aJl
 
 THE DUCHESS ON THE BOWERY. 85 
 
 scrappin beautiful, an de Duchess made me make 
 er sneak outter de hall wid er, dough I wanted ter 
 take er hand in der scrap de worst way, so as I 
 wouldn t seem stuck up."
 
 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID.
 
 66 O AY, I m feelin like er tree- times winner; 
 up t de limit, an stayin dere wid bote 
 feet. Sure. De Duchess an me is goin t get 
 hitched, an I m goin ter be Mr. Burton s man, 
 wot s de mug wot s Miss Fannie s felly. Dat s 
 right. When? Say, lemme tell ye: Miss 
 Fannie and dat mug, Mr. Burton, is goin t get 
 married an den de Duchess an me gets married, 
 so as ter take care er dem. See? Mr. Burton s 
 de mug wot fixed de job, cause e s been kinder 
 stuck on me since dat time when I squared de 
 game wid him an is Whiskers, wot s Miss 
 Fannie s fadder. 
 
 " It all happened along wid Miss Fannie gettin 
 er picture took by one er dem artis wot paints 
 tings wid paint. Say, dose mugs, dose artis mugs, 
 is er slick gang. All dey does is ter muss some 
 paint on er board, and den dey puts it on er dinky 
 piece er cloth, like er big wipe, an hully gee! wot 
 deye tink, dey buncos suckers fer doin dat! Say, 
 I ain t stringin ye fer Miss Fannie tole me, an 
 wot she says goes, or I gets licked. Dey gets two 
 hun., tree hun., five hun., an , dis is straight, 
 
 sometimes er tousan plunks. 
 
 89
 
 90 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 
 
 " I tink I ll learn dat trade meself, one er dese 
 days. 
 
 " Well, I was tellin ye. Is Wiskers tole Miss 
 Fannie t go t one er dem mugs an get er picture 
 took, so e could have it on de wall when she chases 
 erself off wid Mr. Burton an don t live to home 
 no more. 
 
 " Den she gets one er de dresses wot er modder 
 wored, wot s dead, an de Duchess puts it in er 
 box, and wese all goes down t de artis joint in 
 de carriage. De Duchess chases up wid Miss 
 Fannie fer t dress er, an I chases up after dem 
 wid de dress in de box, an when I gets dere I 
 says t meself, says I, Chimmie, I says, if yuse 
 know er good ting when ye gets it, ye wants t 
 make er sneak from de coachman an stay right 
 here where it s warm, stid er goin down dere on 
 de street an stringin de coachman where it s cold. 
 See? 
 
 "While de Duchess was dressin Miss Fannie 
 in de dressin room I was pipin off de artis joint, 
 an e was pipin off me. 
 
 " Dose artis is all forn mugs. Dey comes from 
 forn parts wot is called Bohemia, cause de Duchess 
 tole me dey was all Bohemians. 
 
 " I don t know jes where dat forn part is, but 
 dey must be all great scrappers dere, fer de mug
 
 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 91 
 
 had guns, an pistols, an knives, an clubs hung 
 up on de wall wot I s pose e scrapped wid to home 
 before e learned dat bunco trade. See? Den dere 
 was banjos, an fiddles, an beer schooners, an 
 pipes, an I don t know wot fell dere wasn t. 
 Standin roun on sawbucks, dere was lots er dose 
 dinky pictures wot de mug painted wid paint, like 
 wot ye see in de beer joints on de Bowery, only 
 not so pretty ; an dere was no doors, only carpets 
 hung up. 
 
 " When de artis seed me pipin off is game e 
 says ter me, says e, Wot s yer name, me boy? 
 esays. Chimmie Fadden, I says, * an I taut I d 
 stay up here, haviu rumatiz bad in me knee, wot 
 gets worse when 1 sits on de box wid de coach 
 man, I says, stringin im. See? 
 
 " Oh, e says, I heerd teller yuse, says e, 
 from Mr. Burton, e says, wot s Miss Fannie s 
 felly. Yuse can stay in de back room wid de 
 maid, says e, if Miss Fannie don t care. 
 
 "Den e pipes me off wid is eyes kinder half 
 shut. See? An e says sometin bout me beiii 
 er good type. 
 
 "I don t know jes wat e meaned, but when e 
 says type dat kinder put me on ter is game, an 
 I says, says I: Are yuse one er dose mugs wat 
 takes tintypes at Coney Island in de summer?
 
 92 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 
 
 Seein as how is game was takin pictures, I taut 
 dat was right. See? 
 
 "Den I taut e d die er laughin , dough I don t 
 know wat fell e was laughin bout, less e taut 
 I was a stringin of im. 
 
 " Yuse can t tell bout wot forn folks is tinkin 
 of, but if e was forn he speaked English jes as 
 good as me. 
 
 " Den e gives me er cigarette, an says dat e s 
 glad ter find I was dis is is very word dat I 
 was as crackristic, as Mr. Burton said I was. 
 
 " Say, wot fell ! Did yuse ever hear such lang- 
 wudge like dat? I was tinkin ought I ter slug im 
 fer it, when de Duchess chases in an says dat Miss 
 Fannie was ready fer im. Den e goes in ter big 
 room, where dere was lots er light, an where Miss 
 Fannie had went too, an e begins ter take her 
 picture. 
 
 " De Duchess an me we peeked tru de carpet wot 
 hung where dere wasn t no door, an I seed Miss 
 Fannie. 
 
 " Say, yuse never seed nothin like she looked. 
 I don t tink dat dose angels wot she tells de mis 
 sion kids erbout ain t no more beauti fuller dan 
 she was, standin by de side er a harp, wot s er 
 kind er big dago banjo, wot she plays fer is Wis- 
 kers, wot er modder uster play.
 
 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 93 
 
 " De artis mug stood behind er patch er cloth 
 wot was on er kinder ladder, an e was paintin 
 t beat ell. 
 
 " Pretty soon de Duchess wispered t me would I 
 give er a cigarette, an I pinched one from de 
 artis box, an we sits down on er soffer an de 
 Duchess, she says, kinder pipin off er cigarette 
 smoke stid er me, say she: Did yer ast Mr. Bur 
 ton yet for t take yuse fer is man? she says. 
 
 "Den I says No, I says. Wot fell, I says. 
 Wot fer? 
 
 " Say, she give me er look like I was er farmer, 
 er dead farmer; but den she says, makin eyes 
 again at er cigarette, she says: How will yuse 
 be wid me, says she, when Mr. Burton an Miss 
 Fannie s married, less yuse go along as is man? 
 See? 
 
 " Say, den I tumbled ; an I tumbled so hard it 
 jolted all de breathe outter me body. I couldn t 
 open me mout. Down where I uster live I was de 
 boss jollier wid de chippies, but dis time I was 
 nottin but er farmer. 
 
 " De Duchess she give me er look wot paralyzed 
 me worsen before, an den she humped er shoulders 
 like f orn folks do, and chased erself roun de room 
 makin er bluff er piping de pictures. 
 
 " Dat s de way we was when Mr. Burton chased
 
 94 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 
 
 in, an e says tru de carpet door, Can I come in? 
 Den Miss Fannie she says tru de carpet, No, yer 
 can t, she says. But e begs, an she lets im in, 
 an den I heard dem all laughing when de artis 
 tells dem bout me astin im did e take tintypes 
 at Coney Island. 
 
 " Yes, says de Duchess, yuse can talk fast 
 nough t everybody but me, she says. Go down 
 t de carriage where yuse belong, she says, an she 
 chases erself inter de dressin room. 
 
 "Dat s de way I comes to tackle Mr. Burton. 
 I nailed im dat night when e comes t our house, 
 before e got in, an I says t im, says I : I m look 
 ing for a job wid yuse, I says. If I gits de job 
 wid yuse I gits hitched t de Duchess, an if I 
 don t I goes crazy, I says. 
 
 " E taut er while, an den e says : Well, Chim- 
 mie, says e, yuse done me er good trick when 
 yuse squared me wid Miss Fannie s fadder, says 
 e, an if Miss Fannie says so, it goes. 
 
 " Yer dead on dere, says I. If she says so it 
 goes, sure. 
 
 "I don t know wot kinder game Mr. Burton 
 gives Miss Fannie, er wot Miss Fannie says t de 
 Duchess, but de nex day de Duchess comes t me 
 an she says: So yuse is.goin t be Mr. Burton s 
 man, says she.
 
 A STUDIO, A CIGARETTE, AND CUPID. 95 
 
 " Den I takes ei big brace an I says, Not on 
 yer life, Duchess, says I; not on yer life, wid- 
 out I m yer man first, I says, an dat s wot I 
 said. See? 
 
 "Den de Duchess sbe turns red, an she says 
 it ll be all right when I learns to talk English ; but 
 dat s only er way er jollyin me, cause if dere s 
 one ting bout me wot s up t de limit, it s me 
 English. See?"
 
 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MAREY.
 
 **T ONG time since ye seen me? Cert. Don t 
 ye know de reason ? Why, I was married. 
 Sure. I knowed ye d die when I tole ye. Yes, it 
 was de Duchess; I guess ye knowed dat. Well, 
 lemme tell ye. It was de corkin est weddin dere 
 ever was, wid such mugs as me an de Duchess 
 doin de principal event er de evenin . 
 
 " Say, I never taut dere was so much flim-flam 
 bout gettin ready to be married. I near got de 
 rattles onct, an was goin t make de gran sneak; 
 but I took er brace, cause I was tinkin dat if I 
 snook, dat it would queer Miss Fannie s game, an 
 I wouldn t queer Miss Fannie s game if I had t 
 set up er funeral stid er a weddin . 
 
 " Well, de first fake wot paralyzed me was de 
 Duchess say in dere must be wot she called er 
 marriage contract. Say, it was worse dan gettin 
 outter jail on bail. I guess wese wouldn t be mar 
 ried yet if it wasn t fer Mr. Burton, wot s Miss 
 Fannie s felly. E an Miss Fanriie, dey was bote 
 near crazy bout oar weddin , and was fussin 
 bout it more dan dey is bout dere own. 
 
 "Well, Mr. Burton e sent fer me an tells me 
 t come t is chambers. E says t me, says e, 
 
 va
 
 100 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 
 
 Chames, e says, come dis evenin t me cham 
 bers. I calls me partments me chambers fer dis 
 casion only, says e, givin me de wink, "cause 
 dis is er legal matter, an in de ten years I ve been 
 mitted t de bar, says e, dis is de first time I 
 ever had er case. 
 
 " Dose was is very words, wot s de way e talks 
 wen e is jolly in , which e mostly is. 
 
 "So dat night I chases meself t is rooms, an , 
 say, ye otter see dem tings e s got. It s worse 
 dan dat artis mug s studio wot I was tellin ye 
 of. Dere was pelts an hides an skins an furs an 
 guns an swords an boxin gloves an dinky pipes, 
 wot dey smokes in schools in forn parts where Mr. 
 Burton was, an steins an pictures, an more tings 
 dan dere is in er store. 
 
 " Well, e says t me, perlite as a acter, says e, 
 Mr. Fadden, e says, dis evenin yuse is me 
 client, an not Miss Fannie s footman, which fords 
 me de op tunity of offerin ye er glass er whiskey 
 an water an a cigarette, which I am tole is de 
 first ting t do in beginnin de practice of de law. 
 Havin somewhat neglected me practice, I may be 
 permitted t offer ye two glasses er wliiskey an 
 water if yuse is so disposed, says e. 
 
 "Say, did ye ever hear such langwudge like dat? 
 Ain t e er chim-dandy?
 
 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 101 
 
 "Den e goes on an gives me er long song an 
 dance bout as how Hortense, wot s de Duchess, 
 bein French, she has dinky notions bout marriage 
 contracts, an as how e is er lawyer as well as 
 mine. Says e: Bein de lawyer fer bote sides in 
 er case is not cordin t de strick rules er practice, 
 e says, buter strugglin young barester like me, 
 says e, givin me de wink, must be permitted t 
 cut bait while de sun shines. 
 
 "Say, did ye ever hear such er jollier like im? 
 E s up t de limit. Sure. I tink e was havin 
 fun wid imself as well as jollyin me. 
 
 "Den he says: Hortense comes t ye wid one 
 tousan dollars. De ye raise de ante, or de ye only 
 see it, an call de loidy? 
 
 "Say, den I was dead paralyzed. I taut de 
 Duchess was makin a farmer of me. I felt like er 
 quitter. Sure. I says t im, says I, Wot fell! 
 says I, like dat, I says: Wot fell! cause I 
 couldn t say nottin else. Wot fell! See? 
 Den I scraped tru me pockets, an all I could 
 cough up was sixty-five cents. 
 
 " Mr. Burton looked at it, an all of er suddint he 
 jumped up an went in er nodder room. E must 
 have had er fit in dere er sometin , from de noises. 
 Wen e comes back e had on er dinky white wig 
 wid er tail f it an er blue bag in is hand wid
 
 102 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 
 
 papers in it. E was as sober as er Judge in de 
 Tombs when he says : Our case is not so bad as it 
 looks. In fact, I would not just say it is a case of 
 wot t ell. Yuse have never drawed no wages 
 from Miss Fannie, e says. 
 
 " No, I says. She gives me room, me grub, 
 an me close. Ain t dat ernough? s^iys I. 
 
 " She tinks not, says e, an wid er help at 
 figurin , in which I never took no prize , e says, 
 I find dat dere is one hundred an fifty dollars 
 wages comin ye which she as saved for ye. 
 
 " Say, dat broke me all up, cause I never taut I 
 was wort more dan me keep; but I couldn t say 
 nottin , an Mr. Burton e goes on an e says: 
 Miss Fannie s f adder, dat time ye licked de villan 
 wot suited Miss Fannie, er fadder put $500 in de 
 bank fer ye, and I figure dat dat makes $650, e 
 says. 
 
 " Well, I was knocked silly, an Mr. Burton e 
 got up an went in de odder room again, an comes 
 back wid er long black kinder nightgown on. E 
 sets down again, and says: Bein de torney inde 
 case for yuse an Hortense an Miss Fannie an er 
 fadder, I feel dat de dignity of de position requires 
 all de legal fixins, which is why I wears de gown 
 an wig. See? 
 
 "Say, de nex fake was de funniest of all.
 
 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 103 
 
 Hortense, says e, has sometimes borryed small 
 sums from ye, she tells me. 
 
 " E was meanin de times de Duchess pulled 
 me leg fer de boodle wot I touched mugs fer, wot 
 I was tellin ye bout. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Burton goes on, cause I was so 
 silly I couldn t chip in, an e says, Hortense has 
 saved up dose sums, an dey make $G5 more, which 
 we adds t de ante, an dat makes $715, says e. 
 
 " Hold on, says I. Does dat all belong t me? 
 Wot fell will I do wid it all? 
 
 "We ll talk bout dat later, says e. We re 
 shy on our ante yet. Miss Fannie an me, says 
 e, loans ye nough t make up de tousan , an ye 
 pays back outter yer wages as me valley. 
 
 " Den e gets out er lot er papers an I signs me 
 name, an de nex day Miss Fannie an de Duchess 
 an me all chases down t Mr. Burton s rooms, 
 where was er mug dey calls er notry public, an e 
 asts er lot er questions, an fixes dinky red stamps 
 on de papers an everybody swears an signs 
 names, an dat ends de circus. 
 
 "Say, I had t pinch meself an say Chimmie, 
 is dis yuse, or is ye dreamin ? cause er all de flim 
 flam, an havin er tousan plunks, an de whole 
 bisness near sets me crazy. 
 
 "Well, de nex night was de weddin . Say, it
 
 104 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 
 
 was great. Miss Fannie an Mr. Burton dey was 
 fussin and fixin de whole day in dedin in room, 
 an jollyiii an orderin, an makin bluffs at get- 
 tin mad, an den makin up, till I says t meself, 
 says I, Chimmie, yer not in it. But den I had 
 t get busy an say dose words wot s in de book 
 wot Mr. Burton read, pretendin e was de parson, 
 so s I wouldn t make no bad break when de real 
 weddin was. 
 
 "Well, after dinner all de help, an de folks, is 
 Wiskers, Miss Fannie, an Mr. Burton, wid de par 
 son, chases in dedinin room. Is Wiskers valley 
 was me second. 
 
 " Bout dat time I didn t know wedder me name 
 was Chames or Dennis. Tings was kinder goin 
 on widout me. 
 
 "All of er suddint de Duchess sails in, wid 
 Maggie de maid chasin after er. Say, ye should 
 er seen er! She was all rigged out in white, wid 
 flowers on er head, an er veil er mile long, an 
 she was er wonder, sure. 
 
 " Miss Fannie gives er a smile, an is Wiskers 
 steps up an hands er over t where me an de 
 parson was, an so we was married. 
 
 " After de parson was all tru, wot de ye tink e 
 did? E braces up an gives de Duchess er kiss, 
 an saj T , is Wiskers waltzes in an e gives er er
 
 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 105 
 
 kiss, an holy gee! I tink Mr. Burton was goin t 
 take er hand in de game, but Miss Fannie gives 
 im er look, den e didn t. 
 
 " Den is Wiskers goes up t de big punch-bowl 
 wot Miss Fannie had fixed wid claret an oranges 
 an dose tings, an de butler passes all hands er 
 glass, an is Wiskers says I drinks t Mr. an 
 Mrs. Chames Fadden, e says. 
 
 "All hands drinks, an den de folks goes away. 
 Miss Fannie she went last, an when she passed 
 where we was she says t de Duchess, Ye look 
 very pretty, Hortense. 
 
 "She didn t say nottin t me, but she shook 
 hands wid me. I was glad she did dat. I never 
 touched her hand before. 
 
 " Well, after de folks left, all de help dey began 
 jabberin an jollyin like er lot er dinky magpipes, 
 an makin speeches, an gettin funny, till ye 
 couldn t rest. 
 
 " Is Wiskers sent fer de butler an tole im not t 
 let de punch bowl get empty, an e never did, but 
 e had t keep imself busy. Sure. 
 
 " After dat we started on our wed din journey. 
 Say, dat was great. It was t Niag ra Falls. 
 Ever hear er dem? Say, I d only been t Coney 
 Island an Albany before, an I taut de Pacific 
 Ocean was only er little way furder dan de Harlem
 
 106 CHIMMIE AND THE DUCHESS MARRY. 
 
 River; but, holy gee! ye don t get no more dan 
 started wen ye cross de Harlem. 
 
 "Can t tell ye bout dat trip now, cause I ve 
 got t go an help Mr. Burton get ready fer is 
 weddin . Tell ye bout de trip some odder time. 
 S long."
 
 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN.
 
 "T WAS goin t tell ye bout our wed din journey, 
 wot de Duchess an me took when wese was 
 married. Say, it was up t de limit an near out- 
 ter sight. 
 
 "We started like wese was just goin cross de 
 Harlem, only it was in er car wot has bunks in it, 
 wid er coon t let down de bunks an make up de 
 beds. 
 
 " Dere was er lot er mugs an womin an kids in 
 de car, an I was tinkin where dey was all goin 
 t sleep, when de Duchess tole me bout de bunks. 
 I taut if wese was all goin t sleep like in de cars 
 when ye come home on de late train from Coney 
 Island, wese might as well stopped t home and 
 saved our boodle. 
 
 " Say, de train wasn t outter de depot before all 
 de folks in de car was dead onto us, an kinder 
 givin us de laugh, an I says to de Duchess, I 
 says, . Wot fell? I says, wot fell?" like dat, 
 cause I was feelin like I was er farmer; but I 
 oughten f feel like er farmer, cause I had on me 
 best close, an de Duchess say, ye otter seed de 
 Duchess! she was er wonder! Dere wasn t er 
 
 woman in de car was dressed like er. Sure. 
 
 109
 
 110 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 
 
 " When I asked er why was all de folks pipin 
 us off so, she said because I had me arm round 
 er waist, an was jollyin er so. 
 
 " Say, dat give me er fit, an I says t er, says 
 I, Duchess, I says out loud, so dat er dude in de 
 next seat could hear me wot had lost half of is 
 eyeglasses an was pipin us off wid only one glass 
 up t is eye; I says, Duchess, if I feels like put- 
 tin me arm round yer waist, I ll put it dere if I 
 has t tump every dude in de car, an t show I 
 was makin no bluff I gives er a kiss as square as 
 ever ye seed. 
 
 "Say, dat dude must er lost sometin outter de 
 car, fer e turned an looked outter de window, 
 an e never looked nowhere else till e went t bed. 
 
 "De Duchess she made er bluff at kickin , but 
 she wasn t kickin very hard, fer wot I says an 
 does goes wid de Duchess, cept bout boodle. She 
 runs de money end. Sure. I ain t in it when it 
 comes t de boodle, but in all de odder games I m 
 er dead easy winner. 
 
 "Well, we went ridin along, an ridin along, 
 till I kinder taut we d be runnin in ter de Pacific 
 Ocean if we didn t pull up; an den de coon comes 
 up an says do we want de bert made up. 
 
 " I don t know wot it was dat made de Duchess 
 so mad, but I taut she d slug dat coon de porter
 
 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. Ill 
 
 dey calls Mm cause e asks us first, before any 
 of de odder folks, would we have our bunk made 
 up. Say, I didn t see no casion fer a scrap, so I 
 says to de porter, says I, Seein as how dere ain t 
 no tee-a-ter t go to, I says, an dere ain t no 
 more meals t eat, an as I fergot t order de band 
 round t play, yuse may as well get busy an 
 make up de bunk, I says t im, like dat, I says. 
 See? 
 
 " Den all de folks dey laughed fit t kill dere- 
 selfs, cept dat dude, who was lookin out of is 
 window like e hadn t found wot e d lost yet. De 
 Duchess she laughed, too, an said I was er little 
 beast, only she didn t say it like she had er 
 mad on. 
 
 " Well, de next mornin wese was in Niag ra, 
 an we got in a bus wot took us to de hotel wot 
 Mr. Burton, Miss Fannie s felly, told me t go to. 
 
 " When we got t de hotel er mug tells me t 
 register our names on er big book wot was in de 
 office, an den 1 near had er fit, fer de Duchess 
 has de craziest name ye ever seed, an I never 
 could spell it in a tousand 3 7 ears. But I tinks t 
 meself, I tinks, Wot fell! I tinks, I ll make er 
 grand bluff an dey 11 never tumble, so I braces 
 up t de register an writes: Duchess, bold as er 
 writin teacher, an den I writes Hortense, cause
 
 112 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 
 
 I can spell dat straight, an den I was stuck, so I 
 just writes La V- bold, an scriggled er lot er 
 dinky letters clear cross de page, an on de next 
 line I write* me name clear as print. 
 
 " De mug behind de counter, wot was de hotel 
 clerk, e turns de book round an e near has er fit, 
 an begins scrapin an bowin an says perlite as 
 er acter, e says: How long will de Duchess 
 Ortons La-um-t ra-ra stay here? e says, like dat, 
 De Duchess Ortons La-um-t ra-ra. See? Mak- 
 in er bluff at de last name cause e couldn t read 
 me writin. See? De Duchess, I says as perlite 
 as im cause I wasn t onto is game, so I played 
 light, says I, De Duchess leaves dis evenin , I 
 says. 
 
 " Sorry she can t stay longer, e says; "spose 
 she s hurrin on t Chicago, like de rest. Where 
 is er suite? says e. 
 
 " Oh, er suite is kinder chasin dereselfs, I 
 says, careless like. 
 
 " Bein entertained by de Committee of One 
 Hundred? e says. 
 
 "Say, I taut first e might be stringin me, but 
 e was perlite all de time, so I just lit er cigarette 
 an looked knowin till I could get onto is game. 
 
 "Den e yells out, Front! Show de Duchess up 
 t parlor one, an all de kids in buttons near
 
 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 113 
 
 breaks dere necks yankin me baggage upstairs 
 an chasin after de Duchess f fetch er up stairs; 
 an de clerk says t me: Will er Grace breakfast 
 in er room?" 
 
 " Wot Grace? says I. 
 
 " De Duchess, says e. 
 
 " Cert, says I. She ll breakfast dere, an so 
 will I. 
 
 " You re er American coorior, I spose, says e, 
 an I says e was er clever young man t find it 
 out, dough wot fell e d found out I couldn t tum 
 ble to. 
 
 " Den all de mugs in de office began sneakin up 
 t de register an lookin at wot I d writ dere, an 
 dey was all near havin a fit over it. I was fraid 
 somebody would ask me t spell de name out, so I 
 chased meself upstairs, an , holy gee! dere was 
 de Duchess in de swellest rooms in de house, wid 
 er gang of servants settin de table, an puttin 
 flowers in de room, an scraping an bo win , an 
 askin wot fell could dey do fer er Grace. 
 
 " Say, de Duchess is er dead sport, an she was 
 just lookin grand an sayin nottin , but when I 
 comes in she takes me in de nex room an asks 
 wot game I d been up to. I told er de whole 
 game from de start, an when I wus done she taut 
 er while, an den she nearly dies laughin , an
 
 114 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 
 
 says she tumbles t de whole racket. She said de 
 clerk had mistook er for one er dem forn queens 
 wot was goin to Chicago, where dey is havin er 
 big blowout for Columbus, er sometin . 
 
 " But why didn t ye put me name down on de 
 register proper? she says. 
 
 " I couldn t spell your dinky name, I says. 
 
 "Den she yelled murder wid laughin , and near 
 rolled off er chair. Me name is Mrs. Fadden, 
 says she. Can t ye spell dat? 
 
 " Say, I m er farmer if I ever taut er dat before. 
 It just knocked me silly t tink er de Duchess bein 
 named Fadden. 
 
 " Hortense Fadden is me name, says she, gi v- 
 in me er kiss. 
 
 "I was fer goin down t de office an fixin 
 tings all right, but de Duchess said not t be in er 
 hurry bout it. 
 
 "Well, we had breakfast. Say, ye never seed 
 such er breakfast in all yer life ! It was wot de 
 Duchess called Dey shunay ah la foorshet, but it 
 was up t de limit, just as hard, if it did have er 
 dago name. De funny ting bout it was dat we 
 had de coffee at de end stid er at de first. I 
 spose I ll hare t learn dose dago tricks now. 
 
 "When wese was done de clerk come up an 
 says would er Grace like t ride t de Falls, an
 
 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 115 
 
 de Duchess made er bluff at not knowin wot e 
 said, an I made er bluff at tellin er in forn talk. 
 I just let out er lot er lingo, an de Duchess 
 say, she is er sport, sure she jabbered back wid- 
 out winkin , an I says t de clerk dat de Duchess 
 would go t de Falls when de carriage was ready. 
 
 "Den de clerk said, De carriage waits, yer 
 Grace, an backed out er de room like is pants 
 was tored behind. 
 
 " Say, I ain t stringin ye er little bit. When 
 we went downstairs dere was er victoria wid four 
 horses waitin, an de Mayor, or some big mug of 
 de town, got in wid us, an er lot more chased 
 along behind in carriages. 
 
 " I was gettin rattled, but de Duchess gave me 
 er nudge t brace; an I braced. Everyting de 
 mug wid us said I pretended to say in dago t de 
 Duchess, an I was tinkin wot fell I d do if e 
 should ring in some dago of is own, but e never. 
 De Duchess would jaw back in er forn talk, an* 
 I d make er bluff at tellin de mug wot she said, 
 an I jollied im till de seat wasn t big enough t 
 hold him. 
 
 "Well, dey took us everywhere, an down er 
 dinky slide railroad wot s worse dan de razzle- 
 dazzle at Coney Island, an blowed us off t wine 
 an speeches, an w r hen we got back de Duchess
 
 116 ER GRACE, DE DUCHESS OF FADDEN. 
 
 told me t give de big mug er invite t dinner 
 wid us. 
 
 "I was near crazy wid all de jawin an de 
 drinkin an seein de mug kiss de Duchess s hand 
 when e backed out. 
 
 " After dinner it was train time, an I chased 
 down t de office an asks wot s de bill. 
 
 " Say, wot de ye tink? Dat clerk says dere was 
 no bill ; dat de Government paid de whole shot. 
 Sure! 
 
 "I says de Government is er dead sport, an 
 I tipped all de kids an waiters an drivers wot 
 took us t de train, an den erway we goes. 
 
 " Well, when we was on de car de Duchess says, 
 Chames, wot do ye tink of yer wife?" says she. 
 
 " Duchess, says I, *er Bowery boy and er 
 French maid is hard t beat, I says. See?"
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN.
 
 66 O AY, didn t I tell you wese was all comin t 
 de Fair? Well, de whole gang of us is here ; 
 Miss Fannie, Mr. Burton, me, de Duchess, de 
 mug dat stood up wid Mr. Burton, and is his 
 Whiskers. I taut I d never find you. Sure. 
 
 " What de you tink of de Fair? I tink I d get 
 stuck on dat Midway, if it wasn t so far from de 
 Bow ry. I never knowed dere was so many kinds 
 of dagos in de world, like dere is in dat Midway. 
 
 "Did you hear bout me scrap dere? Dat s 
 right. I had a corkin good scrap, and done a 
 dago, but de Duchess she done me. Yes, dat s 
 right. I got a kick in de ribs from dat dago what 
 wasn t no love tap, but dat didn t hurt near so 
 much as de Duchess hurted me, and she never 
 touched me. It was just her little joke, but de 
 more I tink of it de more I tink wot fell. 
 
 " Wait till I tell you de whole game from de 
 start, cause it made me dead sore and p raps it ll 
 take de sore outter me t jaw bout it. 
 
 " It was de day before de Derby, what s de big 
 race dey has here, like de Brooklyn Handicap, 
 only dey calls it de Derby, cause all de men has t 
 
 wear Derby hats stead of straw hats, for if you 
 
 119
 
 120 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 
 
 trow a straw hat up in de air when de race is over 
 it comes down black from de smoke dey make t 
 keep de sun from paralyzing you. See? 
 
 "Well, dat evenin Miss Fannie and Mr. Bur 
 ton was goin out t eat dinner wid a mug Mr. 
 Burton was to school wid, who has t live here 
 cause his fadder won t give him no plunks to live 
 nowhere else wid. After I d dressed Mr. Burton, 
 and de Duchess she d dressed Miss Fannie, den 
 dat mug what stood up wid Mr. Burton, de small 
 bottle mug what I was tellin you bout, what dey 
 calls Paul and I calls Mr. Paul, cause his odder 
 name is two long names wid a stop in de middle, 
 what I can t say straight, he says t me, says he: 
 Chimmie, he says, sober like a Police Justice, 
 Chimmie, I m goin t expand me mind wid use 
 ful formation, and distend me stommick wid 
 coolin bevedges dem s his very langwudges 
 on de Midway, says he, dis evenin , he says. 
 If yuse can tear yourself from Horteuse, says he, 
 meanin de Duchess, an come wid me as friend, 
 philos pher, and guide, he says, never makin a 
 break wid dem dude words, just like a actor, you 
 can pay de bills outer me wad and keep de change, 
 says he. 
 
 " I was tinkin de Duchess would make a kick 
 bout me goin out dere widout her, so I strings
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN H FAD DEN. 121 
 
 her a little. I gives her a song and dance boui 
 wantin t go t de race track and see a stable boy 
 I knowed and get a pointer on de Derby. But de 
 Duchess, she never kicked; only told me t chase 
 meself home before mornin and she d square it wid 
 Mr. Burton when he come home. 
 
 " Dat was dead easy, so me and Mr. Paul we 
 chases ourselves out t de Midway on de cable train 
 what runs like a hurry-call amb lance. 
 
 " First we goes t de joint what dey calls Old 
 Vienna for dinner, and when I asks de boss whert 
 was de servants table, meanin t go dere, Mr 
 Paul he says quick, Our servant won t be here, 
 says he, I sent him home. 
 
 " Den he tells me t sit down wid him and dine, 
 and he says: Chimmie, you re not here to-night 
 as a servant, but as a doctor. You re curin my 
 blues wid de sight of sometin dat looks like New 
 York, says he. 
 
 "Well, we was eatin our grub wid plenty ot 
 beer, cause dey didn t have no mixed ale, sittin 
 out in a tent widout no sides to it, wid a band 
 playin alongside, when Mr. Paul all of a suddint 
 grabbed me and whispers: Here s some mugs 
 comin I want t string. Get on to me game quick 
 and jolly along as I tip you. 
 
 " Say, dat s de kind of langwudge I m dead onto,
 
 122 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 
 
 and Mr. Paul can talk it like bo was borried on de 
 Bow ry. I didn t know what was comin , so I just 
 cocked me eye and ear t get onto de lay. 
 
 " In a second dere was two mugs a shakin hands 
 wid Mr. Paul, and askin why hadn t he let dem 
 knew he was in town. Den Mr. Paul he gave me 
 de game widout lookin or winkin at me. He 
 says t em : " I ve been so busy showin de Fair t 
 me friend, Sir Chames, I ain t had no time. 
 
 " Say, when he says dat Sir Chames, dose mugs 
 near had a fit. 
 
 "Den Mr. Paul says, Let me present you t Sir 
 Chames Fadden McFadden of Castle Fadden Mc- 
 Fadden, County Galway. 
 
 " Den he gave dem bote a knockdown t me by 
 dere names, and dey scraped and bowed and 
 guffed, and I only said aw, see? Like dat; aw, 
 cause I wanted a minute t tink, and I taut. 
 Pretty soon I seed de tip was dat word Galway, 
 what s de name dey call de kind of whiskers de 
 Irish likes, so I knowed I was to be Irish. 
 
 " Den bote of de mugs ordered champagne, and 
 bote asked me t ride t town wid em in dere carts, 
 what was outside, and bote was Sir Chamesing 
 me t onct, like dey was dinky parrots, till Mr. 
 Paul says: Sir Chames was just tellin me he 
 spected his 3 T oung and beautiful cousin, Lad} T Clare
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 123 
 
 O Gabblin , t arrive t morrow, and was won- 
 d ring who he d get t look after her, as we leaves 
 in a few days. I understood you, says Mr. Paul, 
 lookin hard at me, t say dat Lady Clare had just 
 come into her fortune, says he. Is it large? 
 
 "Den I says: It s up t de limit, says I, and 
 near outter sight. 
 
 " Mr. Paul laughed like he d have a fit, and 
 says: Me friend, Sir Chames, is stmtyin Ameri 
 can slang, and he uses it all de time when he tinks 
 of it. 
 
 " Den dose dudes dey laughed too, and kept say- 
 in Bah Jove, and I say, you know, and tellin 
 how dey d be tickled t deat t look after Lady 
 Clare. By dat time I d kinder tumbled t Mr. 
 Paul s game, and I says t em, says I, speakin like 
 de Irish char cter on top of de stage: Paul, me 
 bye, wud ut be de fair ting t lave a young and 
 lovely gurrul loike Lady Clare, wid only dese 
 handsome young bucks t look afther her? Shure, 
 says I, seein Mr. Paul couldn t say nothin , for he 
 had one glove shoved in his mout, shure, it was 
 yezself oi was wishin Lady Clare t fall in love 
 wid, and besthow her millions on ; but if dese young 
 devils are frinds on yours, dey may take dere 
 chance in de runnin . 
 
 "Say, dose two dudes was squirmin , an dere
 
 124 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 
 
 eyes was poppin outter dere heads when I gave 
 dem dat game, and Mr. Paul nearly bursted his- 
 self keepin his face straight. 
 
 " lean answer for dese gentlemen, says Mr, 
 Paul, after he d trun tree glasses down his troat. 
 I can answer for dem, for bote have visited New 
 York several times. 
 
 "In dat case, den, says I, gettin up t go, tor 
 de game was gettin pretty hard for me t play, 
 and I didn t want to spoil it, in dat case I ll 
 make a date wid de gents and put me cousin, 
 Lady Clare, in dere charge. I has t go t de 
 Oirish village now t meet me aunt, de Duchess 
 McFadden-Fadden, who laves for Galway t -mor- 
 row. 
 
 " Mr. Paul tumbled, and he got up too, and we 
 shook hands wid de mugs who promised t send 
 me cards t dero clubs, and den we chased our 
 selves out. 
 
 "I shall only regret dis, says Mr. Paul, if 
 dose boys dies of excitement, which I m afeerd 
 dey lldo. 
 
 Den we went into a lot of dose joints on de 
 Midway, where all kinds of dagoes, and coons from 
 Africa and everywhere plays de dinkiest bands 
 you ever seed, and dances wid der bodies stid of 
 dere legs. Say, de funniest ting bout dem womin
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 125 
 
 what dances is dat, stid of dressin short from 
 dere feet up, dey dresses short from dere necks 
 down. Mr. Paul said he guessed it was because 
 womin de world over undresses de part of dere 
 bodies dey dances wid. See? 
 
 " Well, after we d done most of de odder joints 
 we went t de one dey calls de Streets of Cairo. 
 Chames, said Mr. Paul, Chames, de motion of 
 de camel settles your dinner, or else it leaves you 
 widout no dinner t settle. Let us trust t fate an 
 take a ride. 
 
 " So we went down t de end of de street where 
 dere was some camels kneeling on carpets like dey 
 wanted t put dere heads under somethin an 
 take a snooze, and I gives the boss dago, what 
 had flour sacks on his legs and a salt bag on his 
 head, fifty cents for de two of us, and den de 
 odder dagoes what was goin t drive our camels 
 made dere bluffs for a nickel apiece. What- 
 t ell, I says, yuse gets your nickel if you brings 
 us back safe, and dey grinned and says, All 
 right, master, and told us to climb up on 
 de backs of de crazy beasts what was kneeling 
 for us. 
 
 "Murder! Holy gee! de next ting you know 
 you was fired front like you d taken a jump 
 from de Brooklyn Bridge, and den you was
 
 126 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 
 
 jerked back like a big cop had you by de collar, 
 and den you was slung sideways and bumped up 
 and down till de bret was near bounced outer 
 you, and dat was only de camel gettin up on his 
 loony legs. When he was all up, I felt like I was 
 on top of a mountain what was chasin itself 
 cross de ocean. 
 
 " Are yuse all dere, Chames? yelled Mr. Paul 
 from anodder mountain. I told him I was all on 
 deck, and away we went bobbin down de street, 
 wid de drivers jabberin dere lingo chasin along 
 side. 
 
 "Say, what de tink happened? I m givin it t 
 you straight. We was just passin by de tee-a- 
 ter when I near fell off me perch, cause dere, rid- 
 in along on two donkeys, was de Duchess and his 
 Whiskers. He didn t see me, but de Duchess 
 did, and she turned as white as de lectric light 
 over her head. She gave me a look what I 
 was dead on to: dat I wasn t to say nottin , 
 but see her when we got back t de end of de 
 ride. 
 
 "Say, it kinder knocked me silly, and I didn t 
 see nottin much till we got off de camels, and den 
 I looked round and saw de Duchess hidin and 
 waitin for me inside de door of a kinder church 
 what dat kind of dagoes calls a mosque. I made
 
 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 12? 
 
 a sneak from Mr. Paul like I spose de Duchess had 
 from his Whiskers, and I went up t her and called 
 her down. What fell! I says t her. What 
 fell, like dat, see? 
 
 " She was pretty white round de gills, but she 
 just laughed and said it was a little joke she d 
 played on me. She said she knowed where I was 
 goin , and she chased along after me just t get 
 de laugh on me, and had met his Whiskers dere ~by 
 accident. 
 
 "Say, dat was mighty good t hear, cause of 
 course till she told me I didn t know what fell. 
 See? 
 
 "So I says if dat s all I d call Mr. Paul and 
 sense myself and take her home. 
 
 "Den she said no; dat she didn t want Mr. 
 Paul t know, cause he was such a stringer he 
 might pretend not t believe her; he might let on 
 he taut she d come out wid his Whiskers, an dat 
 would break her heart. She began cryin den, and 
 asks me did I want t break her heart. 
 
 " Dat knocked me clean silly, cause I am stuck 
 on de Duchess, sure. Den she jollies me up to 
 make a sneak out of dere wid Mr. Paul before 
 he saw her or his Whiskers, and told me not 
 to sa}* nottin about it, cause Miss Fannie might 
 hear.
 
 128 SIR JAMES FADDEN M FADDEN. 
 
 "Course I know de Duchess wasn t stringing 
 me nor givin me no game, but it hurted me all 
 de same cause she was so sore bout anybody get- 
 tin on t her little joke. 
 
 " Perhaps it was because nobody knows how 
 square de Duchess is cept me."
 
 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL.
 
 " O AY, I m tickled near t deaf t get back t 
 New York. Sure. Chicago s too far from 
 de Bow ry t suit Chimmie Fadden. 
 
 " I didn t tell you bout me luck at de races in 
 Chicago, did I? Say, I hit em hard, an de best 
 part of de game was I done de Duchess outer 
 most of de boodle, only I didn t hold on t it long. 
 
 " I was tellin you bout Mr. Paul, what I went 
 out t de Midway wid de night he gave me de 
 knock-down t de dudes what he give de song an 
 dance to bout me bein Sir Chames. Well, after 
 de picnic we had dat night, me payin de boodle 
 outter his sack, he told me t keep de change, an 
 say, dere was more dan five plunks. 
 
 "Say, dat made me feel bad I don t tink. I 
 was just needin five plunks in me business. See? 
 I d been out t de race track, where I knowed near 
 all de kids round de stables, cause dey all comes 
 from de Coney Island tracks, where I guess dey is 
 borned, an I was jollyin em for tips on a winner. 
 
 " Say, de you know how t git straight tips from 
 de stable kid? It s dead eas} T . You listens t all 
 dey has t say, an you listens an listens, an den 
 you look at de entrees, and if dere is one starter
 
 132 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL. 
 
 you never got no tip on, dat s de horse yuse play. 
 Sure. 
 
 " Well, I found a horse he was a ringer on me 
 dat not a kid had tipped, an he was ten t one 
 agin, an I give Mr. Paul me system an he played 
 him for fifty cases, an I played him for five, an 
 I m a, farmer if he didn t win in a walk. Say, 
 when he win de Duchess she collared me an 
 hollars for ten. I near fell in a fit when I got on 
 dat she taut all hets was even money, an she taut 
 I only had ten plunks. So I digs up de ten, an 
 dat leaves me forty-five what de Duchess didn t 
 know I had, an I sunk it in me jeans, feelin like 
 I owned de cart an had a mortgage on Chicago 
 besides. 
 
 "I was wonderin how I d blow in de boodle 
 when I got back t New York, not wantin t be 
 such a farmer as t waste it in Chicago. I didn t 
 mean t give de Duchess a sight of de plunks if 
 she went blind for it, cause I was kinder sore 
 bout her bein on de Midway Pleasants wid his 
 Whiskers dat night I was tellin you bout. 
 
 " I knowed it was all right, but it s dis way wid 
 womin : If you don t row wid em sometimes, 
 wedder dey is right or wrong, dey gets gay and 
 puts you up for a farmer, an dere- ain t nottiii 
 womin hates more dan a farmer.
 
 THE GOOD OFFICES OF ME. PAUL. 133 
 
 " I was tinkin dat way after we came home from 
 de races, when is Whiskers, an Miss Fannie, an 
 Mr. Burton, what s Miss Fannie s husband, was 
 sittin on a kinder dinkey stoop, what dey calls a 
 balcon}-, in front of der parlor in de hotel, where 
 dey could see out on de lake, what s de only pretty 
 ting in Chicago, an dat ain t in it, neider. Well, 
 as dey was sittin dere Mr. Paul, dat small bottle 
 mug, he comes to me, an he says, says he, usin 
 dem dude words what he s a wonder at, he says: 
 Chames, if de Duchess can spare you, says he, 
 for me and de Duchess was sittin in a back room, 
 where I was learning her craps, only she don t 
 pay when she loses, he says, if de Duchess can 
 spare you, I tink wid your sistance I could be 
 induced to concoc a champagne cup to overcome 
 de fatigue of de day, an de sorrow at seein a man 
 so much in love as Burton is wid Miss Fannie. 
 
 " Say, I m gettin stuck on meself for de slick 
 way I can say dose dude langwudge de same as 
 him, widout a miss. He s a corker, sure, dat 
 mug. 
 
 " So I chases meself downstairs an fetches back 
 de wine an" de ice, an all de stuff what he puts 
 in his cups. Den me an him goes t a table back 
 of de window, where is Whiskers an Miss Fannie 
 an Mr. Burton was sittin outside of it, an we
 
 134 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL. 
 
 begins t mix de drinks in a big growler made 
 out of red glass= Mr. Paul was jawin away 
 kinder t himself an kinder t me, like he does 
 when he s mixin drinks, which he mostly is, an 
 I was openin bottles for him. Chames, he was 
 saying, Chames, it is unbecomin in a poor 
 weak sinner like me t find fault where heaven 
 ordains, dern s his very words, not meaning 
 nothin ; but when I sees as good a drinker as Mr. 
 Burton onct was preferin t sit in de moonlight 
 wid his own wife, an leavin t his guests de labor 
 of mixin a cup which is t be looked upon because 
 it ain t red, den I can t help tinkin dat college 
 education is a failure, an tings is not what dey is 
 cracked up to be, barrin dis ice, which yuse has 
 cracked in a way t do credit t my traininV 
 
 "Dat s de way he was jawin along when I 
 happened t hear his Whiskers say de Duchess s 
 name which dey calls Hortons, only dat ain t de 
 way what it s spelled. 1 made a bluff at listenin 
 t Mr. Paul, an he made a bluff at talkin , but I 
 knowed we was bote listenin t his Whiskers. 
 
 " Say, what deye tink he was sayin ? He went 
 on, his Whiskers did, an told Miss Fannie an Mr. 
 Burton bout bein on de Midwa}-, an meetin do 
 Duchess dere when she was chasing after me, an 
 givin her a ride on de camels, an everyting.
 
 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL. 135 
 
 "When he got tru an dey was laughin out on 
 de balcony, Mr. Paul motions me t de back of do 
 room, an he says t me, he says, Chames, me an 
 you is two cads, he says. 
 
 " What fell? I says, not bein on; what fell? 
 like dat. 
 
 "Den he goes on: Wese is two cads, cause 
 wese been listenin t people what didn t know 
 wese was dore. But my forgiveness give an 
 take. I m glad dis has happened, cause I saw dat 
 little proceedin on de Midway, dough I never let 
 on t you dat I did. 
 
 " Den he taut a minute, an den he went on in 
 my straight American, which he talks as well as 
 any mug on de Bow ry. 
 
 " Chimmie, says he, dat squares de Duchess. 
 His Whiskers is a real gent, not because he dresses 
 dude, but because he was borned so. Bein a gent 
 doesn t bar him from bein gay, but it does bar 
 him from ever givin Miss Fannie any song an 
 dance. Are you on? 
 
 " I told him I was near bein on, but not quite. 
 Den he says, Chimmie, you ll have to take my 
 word for dis, dat his Whiskers would drop dead 
 before he d ever open his mout t Miss Fannie 
 bout de odder night less it was just as he told it. 
 If it wasn t straight, he d kept his jaw shut. Dat
 
 136 THE GOOD OFFICES OF MR. PAUL. 
 
 settles it, and I m near as tickled as you are, now 
 dat yuse is on. 
 
 "I guess he tumbled dat I was on, an say! I 
 was feelin pretty good. Sure. 
 
 "Den he runs t de window an says: Miss 
 Fannie, he says, sober as a judge in de Tombs 
 an givin me de wink, Miss Fannie, which 
 would you radder do: have me served at a funeral 
 as a victim of a first, or have Chames serve some 
 champagne cup? 
 
 "Deri I heard Miss Fannie laugh, an she came 
 in de room an says dat if Mr. Paul had been 
 makin any of dose rotten no, dreadful, dat s de 
 word dreadful drinks, I could chase meself out 
 wid em t de mugs on de balcony. 
 
 " So I chases meself. 
 
 " Dat night I could t help tellin de whole racket, 
 from de start t de finish, t de Duchess, an when 
 I said how I knowed it was all right she began 
 cryin so hard dat I didn t know what fell, cept f 
 give her de forty-five plunks I d held out on her. 
 
 " Dat s de worse ting bout womin. When you 
 tells em somef ing what squares every f ing, den 
 dey goes an has a fit, an you has f give up de 
 last plunk f cure em."
 
 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL
 
 * QAY, it s a long time I don t see you, sure. 
 Well, wese has all been off on Mr. Paul s 
 yacht. Yes, de whole gang; Miss Fannie and 
 her felly what s her husband; Mr. Paul, de small 
 bottle mug, de Duchess, me, an his Whiskers. 
 
 " Dat ain t de kind of a game I likes, dat yacht 
 ing. I likes a game where yuse has more t do 
 dan t whistle for a breeze when you ain t got 
 none, and wish yuse hadn t so much when yuse 
 has. 
 
 " Dere was lots of fun at night, dough, after we 
 had come t anchor and de wimin had gone t bed, 
 and Mr. Paul and me was sittin out on deck 
 a-lookin over de water, what was all black wid de 
 dark and silver wid de moon, and dere wasn t no 
 sounds cept de pop of de corks when I d open 
 anodder small bottle fer him what he d always 
 make me drink half of. 
 
 " Chimmie, he says to me one night, Chim- 
 mie, says he, did you ever have a light in a crowd 
 when de whole gang was agin you?" 
 
 "Say, I taut he was stringin me, cause what 
 fell ! Doesn t every mug have t sci ap wid a gang 
 
 some time? 
 
 139
 
 140 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL. 
 
 " Sure! I says to him; sure I has scrapped 
 wid a gang many s de time, or how would I he 
 livin now? says I. 
 
 " Den he didn t say nottin fer a long time till 
 I taut he must be asleep, but after a while he says, 
 speakin kinder low, cause everyting was so still. 
 wid only de anchor watch on deck for d, and do 
 little waves kinder singin a soft "Htlesong gainst 
 de side of de boat, says he: Dj whole gang is 
 gainst me, Chimmie, and I can t fight. 
 
 "Say, I was kinder paralyzed at him sayin dat, 
 for I wasn t on t de game a little bit. Dere 
 wasn t 110 scrappin goin on round dere what I d 
 seen, but when I got tinkin bout it somehow I 
 couldn t help tinkin of Miss Fannie, cause well, 
 I don t know just what made me tink of her, only 
 dat Mr. Paul always acted like he wished he wasn t 
 near her, and all de same he couldn t stay no 
 where else but hangin right round where she was. 
 
 "Say, you know me, and how I likes Miss 
 Fannie better dan me own life. Well, I kept 
 tinkin and tinkin , and pretty soon I says, like 
 I hadn t been tinkin at all, says I, A good scrap 
 does a mug a lot of good sometimes, says I. It 
 knocks de silly nonsense outter him. If wese was 
 in New York I could fix a nice quiet scrap fer us 
 dat might settle yer mind, Mr. Paul, says I.
 
 SATAN FINDS MISCHin.f STILL. 141 
 
 " For us? says he. 
 
 " Sure, I says. If yer out for a scrap, what s 
 de matter wid mo havin some of de fun along \vid 
 you ? I says. 
 
 " Well, he never said anodder word till de next 
 day, when he astMr. Burton if he would give him 
 de loan of me for a day to go t New York, and 
 Mr. Burton says, sure. 
 
 " I kinder knowed what was up, so I says nottin 
 when Mr. Paul told me t come along wid him, 
 and we took de cars at Larchmount fer de city. I 
 tumbled t what was up, and after we d had some 
 supper I just chased over t do east side wid him, 
 where I knowed I d find a Avenue A gang what 
 would radder scrap dan work de goose rush de 
 growler, I mean. 
 
 " Well, we never got dere. On de way we came 
 cross a gang of for ners, ginneys and such, what 
 was havin a meetin . I didn t know what fell 
 dey was kickin bout, cause dey was talkin in 
 some for n langwudge, but Mr. Paul he stopped 
 and listened, and I saw him gettin red, and den he 
 got white, and den I saw de fight come into his eyes. 
 
 " Say, if yuse had t knock round like I did 
 when you was a kid you d know dat look in a 
 mug s eye soon as you d see it de look dat means 
 fight.
 
 142 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL. 
 
 " So I presses up close t him, not know in what 
 we was goin to scrap bout, only knowin dat we 
 was t scrap, what s enough; and Mr. Paul says t 
 me, very quiet, he says: Dese fellers is sayiu 
 some tings what ain t nice bout our flag, 
 Chimmie, says he; and we crowded up closer to 
 de mug what was shootin off his mout. 
 
 "Mr. Paul listens some more, and pretty soon 
 he gives me arm a grip like a cable car and says, 
 If he does I ll punch his head. 
 
 " I didn t know what fell, cause of de lang- 
 wudge, but I see de mug what was speakin 
 take a Merican flag and hold it in front of 
 him. 
 
 " Den Mr. Paul yelled out sometin in some 
 dago langwudge what I didn t know 7 den, but 
 know now, was f warn de man wid de flag not to 
 spit on it, which was de bluff he d made. 
 
 "Say, I was stuck on me company den. Mr. 
 Paul had frown off his hat, and de light of a 
 lantern on de stand \vas shinin on his face, which 
 was de deadest game face I ever seed. 
 
 " De minnit he chipped in dere was a howl of 
 Police! Reporter! Detective! Lynch him! and 
 de gang piled fer us. 
 
 " Take yer hat off f dat flag! yelled Mr. Paul, 
 and soon as he talked Merican and I know d de
 
 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL. 143 
 
 game I yelled de same. Take yer dicer off t de 
 flag! I yelled. 
 
 " I had de scrappin fit on me bad as Mr. Paul 
 den, cause Tm stuck on dat flag meself, dough 
 I don t know why. 
 
 " De mug on de stand went silly and spit on de 
 flag, and at dat very second Mr. Paul grabbed him 
 by de leg and pulled him over. As he came 
 toward us Mr. Paul let him have a lovely right 
 on de jaw, and he went t sleep. 
 
 "Say, den dere was a picnic. De gang jumped 
 on us. Mr. Paul and me got our backs t de 
 stand, and I never had so much fun since I was 
 borned. It was biff, bang, whack! and bang 
 agin. 
 
 "Mr. Paul was workin like a engine, just as 
 cool as a small bottle, and sayin in a easy voice, 
 like he was in a parlor : Keep yer head, Chimmie ! 
 Mind yer eye, Chimime! Da,t was a good one, 
 Chimmie! Land on de jaw, Chiramie! All de 
 time he was sluggm away, takin a crack now 
 and den, but mostly givin dem, and it was just 
 lovely. 
 
 " De forn mugs wasn t in it a little bit wid dere 
 fists, and we was gettin in cree or four good licks 
 to dere one when one of de gang pulled off a piece 
 of scantlin from de stand and aimed a whack at
 
 144 SATAN FINDS MISCHIEF STILL. 
 
 Mr. Paul. I jumped in between and took it 
 mostly on de shoulders, but somo on me nut, too, 
 just over me ear. 
 
 " I was silly for a minute, but Mr. Paul chucked 
 me behind him until I got me breat, and just when 
 I was back in de fun agin de cops came, and de 
 gang skipped. 
 
 " Say, de Sergeant looked at me, den he looked 
 at Mr. Paul, den he looked at me agin, cause he 
 knowed me, and den he said, Well, I ll be 
 damned ! 
 
 "Den he says, kinder laughin , Had a nice 
 time? 
 
 " Very pleasant, tank you, says Mr. Paul, 
 wipin de blood from his face. I feels much 
 relieved. 
 
 u Sorry we didn t pinch any of dem, says de 
 Sergeant. 
 
 " I ve got one of dem, says Mr. Paul, and, sure 
 enough, on de ground was de mug what had spit 
 on de flag. 
 
 " Oh, I know him : we re lookin fer him, says 
 de Sergeant, when he brought a lantern in front of 
 de mug s face. 
 
 " When de Sergeant started t put de bracelets 
 on de mug, Mr. Paul says : Scuse me, Sergeant. 
 Dere is sometiu I want dis gent t carry. Den
 
 SAT Atf FINDS MISCHIEF STILL. 145 
 
 he picked up de flag and made do mug carry it 
 over his head, wid his hat off in de odder hand, 
 all de way t de police station. 
 
 " De cops was near dyin wid laughin as we 
 marched along, Mr. Paul lecturin de mug wid de 
 flag on what he called de evil of his ways. 
 
 "At de station dey let us wash up, and den Mr. 
 Paul ast de Captain and de Sergeant out t join 
 him in a small bottle. 
 
 " If ever you want a job, just apply for a place on 
 de force, says de Captain when we left him. 
 
 " We went back t de yacht de next day, and 
 just before we went aboard, Mr. Paul says: 
 Chimmie, I feel much better. I ll do as much 
 for you some day. 
 
 " Dat night I tole de Duchess de whole game, 
 and after she d put a piece of raw beef over me eye 
 she says : 
 
 " Cheemes, I m more in love wid you dan ever. 
 
 " Why she should be more stuck on me wid a 
 black eye dan wid a blue I don t tumble. See?"
 
 A CHAPPIE, THE DUCHESS, AND 
 CHIMMIE.
 
 "QAY, I m dead sore on dis yacht racin , and I 
 
 wisht I never was horned if wese has t go 
 
 crazy every time a mug comes chasm hisself from 
 
 forn parts makin a sneak after dat dinky old cup. 
 
 "Sport? Sure. It was sport if wese only knowed 
 what wese was sportin bout; but what wid Miss 
 Fannie wantin dat lord chap t win, cause she 
 said his daughters would feel so bad if dere daddy 
 didn t win; what wid his Whiskers wantin de 
 Vigilant t win cause he had boodle up on de 
 race; what wid Mr. Burton not knowin what he 
 wanted, cause he didn t like de rules of de game; 
 what wid Mr. Paul always near drownin every 
 body wid small bots, no matter which j T acht was 
 ahead, and what wid de Duchess plumb ravin 
 silly t have de lord chap lose, cause a mug named 
 Nimpoleung was slugged onct by de Queen of 
 England, 1 didn t know what fell, and just said, 
 Aye, aye, sir! and gives a hitch t me pants, 
 when Mr. Paul would say, Chames, what s de 
 matter wid a small bot? 
 
 "Nobody wasn t never so queered like I wus all 
 de time dose races was on, for I wanted de boat t 
 
 win dat Miss Fannie was pullin for, and all de 
 
 149
 
 150 CHAPPIE, DUCHESS, AND CHIMMIE. 
 
 same I didn t have de nerve t open me mout and 
 say so for fear de Duchess would jump on me neck 
 wid her song and dance bout dat mug Nimpoleung. 
 
 "Why didn t dat lord chap dig up de plunks 
 and buy a silver cup if he was so dead stuck on 
 havin one, and not come chasm round here bod- 
 derin me wid having to learn all de French his 
 tory dere ever was so s not t get in a row wid de 
 Duchess bout dat Nimpoleung? If ever I lays 
 eyes on dat French dude, I ll give him a worse 
 turn pin dan de Queen did, or me name s not Chim- 
 mie Fadden. 
 
 "But I was going t tell yuse bout our trip out 
 t de races. Say, dey was great graft, anyhow, 
 even if I was near crazy wid all de learnin I had 
 t take aboard. 
 
 "Are yuse on t dat, take aboard? Dat s sailor 
 talk. And I was so struck over dat talk dat 1 
 paralyzed Mr. Paul onct by astin him did he want 
 some grog when he tells me t open a small bottle. 
 Sure. 
 
 "Well, wese all went out on Mr. Paul s yacht, 
 and de whole gang wored yachtin caps cept me. 
 I wored a stiff dicer so s I wouldn t be mistook 
 for one of de little dudes Mr. Paul ast t come 
 long. Miss Fannie she wored one of dose caps 
 and a little jacket buttoned up t her chin, and
 
 CHAPPIE, DUCHESS, AND CHIMM1E. 151 
 
 when de wind was blowin her hair round her 
 eyes and her cheeks was all red she was lookin up 
 t de limit. Dat s right! De Duchess she wored 
 a cap, too, but she was always down in the cabin, 
 cause de wind made freckles on her nose, and dat 
 makes her crazy. 
 
 "Say, nobody what ain t in our house much 
 never knows who de Duchess is, and dey mostly 
 tinks she s some swell long wid de style she puts 
 on. Well, I was tellin you bout de little dudes 
 Mr. Paul had out wid us one day. One of dem 
 couldn t stand bein on deck no more dan de 
 Duchess, so he chases hisself down into de cabin, 
 and dere was de Duchess readin outer a book what 
 was printed in French. I was chasin down in de 
 cabin pretty often meself after small bots, an 
 each time I went down de dude was gettin on 
 smooder and smooder with the Duchess, till I 
 began tinkin t meself what fell, I began f 
 tink. 
 
 "But de Duchess, she gave me a wink not f 
 give her away; so I just opened bots and said 
 nottin for a while. Dat was all right till onct I 
 was down dere and de little dude says f me, says 
 he: Me man, he says, me man, I ll trouble you 
 for a glass of wine, says he. 
 
 " I let on I didn t hear him, and was yellin
 
 152 CHAPPIE, DUCHESS, AND CHIMM1E. 
 
 Aye, aye, sir, t Mr. Paul and givin me pants a 
 hitch, when <le Duchess broke me all up. 
 
 " Say, what de you tink dat girl had de nerve t 
 say? I almost fell in a fit when I heard her. She 
 looks over at me like I was a mile away, and she 
 says, mind yon, de Duchess says, and to me, 
 Toot sweet, me man, toot sweet! serve de gent a 
 glass of wine. 
 
 " Say, dat settled it. I just turns and I says t 
 her, says I: Cert nly, me dear Hortense, I 
 says, chuckin her under de chin she tried t bite 
 me finger Cert nly, me dear. I ll give de gent 
 a glass of wine while you chases yourself up on 
 deck. Your mistress wants you. 
 
 " Say, if de boat had struck a whale dere couldn t 
 been more fun in de cabin. It was out of sight. 
 De Duchess trun her book at me, and de dude 
 opened his mout and eyes so wide I taut he d 
 never shut em again. 
 
 " De Duchess gives me a glare, and says : You 
 leetle beast ! But I only gives her de laugh. Den 
 when de dude tumbled t de whole game, and seen 
 he d been jollied by de Duchess into tinkin she 
 was one of de loidies Miss Fannie had along, he 
 dug into his pants and fetched up a fiver and gives 
 it to me, tellin me not t say nottin bout it t de 
 odder chaps.
 
 " CERT NLY, ME DEAR HORTENSE, i SAYS, CHUCKIN HER UNDER DE CHIN." 
 
 Page 152.
 
 CHAPPIE, DUCHESS, AND CHIMMIE. 153 
 
 " Well, I didn t. I only told Mr. Paul, and he 
 told de odder chaps, and dey near guyed de life 
 outter dat dude, till Miss Fannie heard de yarn 
 and made dem come off, so as not t queer de 
 Duchess. 
 
 " It tickled me so I didn t even kick when de 
 Duchess made me yield up de fiver t square me- 
 self wid her."
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN COURT,
 
 , v/ese are all back in town again, sure. 
 Dat s funny, ain t it? All de odder high- 
 toned folkses what trots in our class is just getting 
 a move on t chase dereselfs outer de town into 
 de country, and wese chases back here. 
 
 " It was Miss Fannie what chases us all back 
 here. De reason, she says, was dat de town is 
 now more beautifuller dan de country. But I says 
 t de Duchess dat de country would be all right if 
 it wasn t so far from de Bow iy. 
 
 " Dat s de trouble wid every ting what s far from 
 de Bow ry : it ain t near it. 
 
 " Den dere s anodder reason : little Miss Fannie 
 is t be baptized. Dat s right. She s going t 
 have her little head washed by a felly what gives 
 her a name, and Mr. Paul he s going t go bail dat 
 she ll always be a good girl, and say her prayers; 
 dough how she ll say her prayers now when she 
 can t say nottin is too much for me to get onto. 
 De Duchess says I can t understand cause no par 
 son never give me a name; but when I lived on de 
 Bow ry I was called more names dan would do t 
 fit out a orphun sylum. P rhaps dey wasn t de 
 
 right kind of names t make a mug say his pray- 
 157
 
 158 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN COURT. 
 
 ers, but dey was good enough names t start a 
 scrap wid; so dey done me no harm. 
 
 "De parson what s going t give little Miss 
 Fannie her name is de same one what give her 
 mudder her first name, and den give her her sec 
 ond name when she married Mr. Burton. Seeing 
 he s pretty handy at de game, I was wondering if 
 he couldn t deal me out one, but Mr. Paul, who 
 heard me chinning de Duchess bout it, said some- 
 ting about a Fadden by any odder name would 
 swell his feet. 
 
 " Say, I taut he was giving me de jolly, and so 
 I says t him, says I: What fell, Mr. Paul? I 
 says like dat, see? I says, what fell? says I, 
 what fell? See? 
 
 " Den he says, looking as solemn as Recorder 
 Smite, says he, Chames, he says, Chames, your 
 eloquence overcomes me, using dose dude lan- 
 gwudge what de Duchess is always trying f learn 
 me. If I could say two words and make dem 
 mean as much as you make dose words mean, I 
 would confine me conver, conversa, conversational 
 holy gee, dat was a corker! I m stuck on 
 meself for gettin a fall outter dat word. He says, 
 I would confine me con-ver-sa-tion-al efforts f 
 just two words, which would leave me, says he, 
 wid a wink, which would leave me more time for
 
 CH1MM1E FADDEN IN COURT. 159 
 
 de con-tem-pla-tion of de beauties of a small cold 
 bot. 
 
 "Dose was his very langwudge, and I didn t 
 wonder dat it made him dry. It s made me dry 
 telling 1 of it. 
 
 " T anks, I don t mind. Here s looking at you. 
 We re drinking t little Miss Fannie. 
 
 "Well, as I was saying, Mr. Paul being dr}-, 
 1 fetches him a small bottle, and den, when he was 
 feeling better, he says t me, Chames, he says, 
 if Mr. Burton could spare you dis afternoon, I 
 would like t have you pilot me dow r n t de court 
 where dey is trying dat murder case, cause, says 
 he, cause I was reading a piece in de poiper dat 
 one of de doctor chaps what was on de witness- 
 stand was testifying dat one of de poisons give by 
 de chap what done de killing t de chap what was 
 killed has de effect, says he, has de effect of 
 creating a great tirst, and I wants t know which 
 poison dat is. 
 
 " Say, dat Mr. Paul is de boss jollier, sure. 
 
 " Honest, Mr. Paul didn t know where de court 
 was, and him born in New York ! 
 
 "Mr. Burton told me I might go if I d stop in 
 on me way and look at a bull pup he is wanting t 
 buy. Was I telling you about dat bull pup? 
 
 " Well, I takes Mr. Paul down t de Court of
 
 160 CHIMMIE FADDEN IN COURT. 
 
 General Sessions what ain t its name, cause it is 
 General Smite s court but do mug at tie door 
 wouldn t let us in. I offered t scrap wid de mug 
 and let Mr. Paul get in. whilst we was scrapping, 
 but Mr. Paul knovved one of de lawyers what s 
 being a lawyer for his healt , and he sends in his 
 card t him, and we was let in. 
 
 "Say, did you ever seen de Recorder? I seen 
 him often when I was a kid selling poipers. He s 
 a wonder. Mr. Paul couldn t keep his eyes off his 
 face, and after we watched de jawing for a while 
 Mr. Paul whispers t me dat do whole gang must 
 be on trial, all de lawyers and de witness and de 
 mugs in de jury box, as Avell as de fendant. 
 
 " Dat was because de way de Recorder made 
 dem all come up t time and take dere little medi 
 cine, wedder dey liked it or not. Dere was law 
 yers enough dere t play a game of ball, and when 
 dey d all get jawing to onct, like a cable-car gong, 
 de Recorder would chip in one word and den de 
 whole gang would stop so suddint and look so 
 paralyzed dat yon couldn t tell de lawyers from de 
 mug what dey say done up a man wid poison. 
 
 " Dere was a doctor on de stand what was using 
 such langwudge he ought t be sent t de Island 
 and do time for it. You never heard such talk in 
 your life. Even Dago isn t as bad.
 
 CHIMM1E FADDEN IN COURT. 161 
 
 " Dere was one of de fendant s lawyers what 
 was talking back and using langwudge near as 
 bad, and Mr. Paul was near crazy ca.use de law 
 yer never ast what was de tirst poison. 
 
 " After a while Mr. Paul writes on a card t de 
 lawyer lie knowed, telling him t have de lawyer 
 what was talking wid de witness ast de witness 
 : bout de tirst poison. 
 
 " De lawyer what got de card he grinned and 
 passed de card over t de odder lawyer, and he 
 grinned, and den he ast de witness a question. 
 
 "Mr. Paul wrote de question down for me, and 
 you can read it your own self on dis poiper. I 
 ain t no saint, but I knows what is decent man 
 ners, and I wouldn t use no such langwudge as 
 dat if I could. Read it." 
 
 Now, doctor, mention a mineral poison which 
 in toxic doses produces a characteristic pathologi 
 cal condition of the viscera, the existence of which 
 lesion might have a tendency to superinduce an 
 abnormal thirst. 
 
 " Dat s right. You read it right. When de 
 lawyer ast dose words de witness says, Anti 
 mony. When Mr. Paul hears de answer he gets 
 up and bows low t de lawyer he knowed and de 
 odder lawyer, and we sneaks. 
 
 " When we gets out on Chambers Street Mr. Paul
 
 162 CHJMMIE FADDEN IN COURT. 
 
 says, Chames, show me a drug store. I want 
 some of dat blessed antimony, so dat if I ever 
 loses me tirst I can take a toxic dose and die wid- 
 out regret. 
 
 "I says t him, says I, What fell, I says. 
 Any old day will do fer cle poison. I has f go 
 and look at dat bull pup, I says."
 
 CHIMM1E ON THE STUMP.
 
 ** * A RE you ready, Chames? says de Duchess, 
 and I yells back t her: In a minute! I 
 says, giving her de Goff game. See? 
 
 " It was my night off, and me and de Duchess 
 and Maggie was going t chase ourselfs down t 
 de Bow ry t see me friend de barkeep, what is 
 now Maggie de housemaid s stead}*. Don t you 
 cop dat? Steady comp ny. Yes, dat s right. 
 
 "Well, Maggie and do Duchess was waiting for 
 me, cause I was tying me tie like Mr. Burton, 
 Miss Fannie s husband, ties his, what s a regular 
 razzle-dazzle t do, but when you gets it done 
 why, say, it s a wonder, a peach ! 
 
 " Den I sticks in one of Mr. Burton s pins what 
 I knowed he wouldn t want dat night, him being 
 in dress close, and. I gave me hair de varnish part 
 down de middle, and I puts on me silk dicer, and 
 sa) T ! I was past de limit for style. When I went 
 t de girls, Maggie, do housemaid, says t me, she 
 says, Chimmie, saysshe, Chimmie, yeradream. 
 
 " Maggie, says I, I was dreaming till you 
 copped me wid your blue Irish eyes, and dose al 
 ways makes me dead unto meself, I says. 
 
 " Now dat Maggie has a steady of her own de
 
 166 CI11MM1E ON THE STUMP. 
 
 Duchess don t make no kick when me and Maggie 
 gives each odder de jolly. Dat s de funny ting 
 bout women. Dey is never jealous of you bout 
 anodder woman what has a steady, but when de 
 odder woman marries de steady den she s jealous 
 of her again, if you just jollies her a little bit. I d 
 liket know what fell, dat s what I d like to know; 
 for if a steady makes a woman safe, den a husband 
 otter make her safer. Dat s right, ain t it? Sure. 
 
 "But you never can t tell bout what a woman 
 is going to do till it don t do you no good to know. 
 
 " Well, I was going t tell you : We chases down 
 town and meets me friend de barkeep, and I taut 
 he must have wheels in his head, for he was dat 
 ratty. 
 
 " What fell? I says f him. Has dey broke 
 your drum? says I, cause me friend runs his own 
 drum, where me and Mr. Paul was to de op ning 
 what I was telling you bout. 
 
 " Me drum s all right, Chimmie, says he, but 
 me friend Shiner Simpson is up against it, and I 
 wants you f help me. 
 
 " Any friend of my friend, on your life ! I says 
 f him. See? 
 
 " Den he cops off de game f me right. It was 
 like dis: De mug what was trying f break into 
 Congress Where dey makes de laws for de lawyers
 
 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP. 167 
 
 agin his friend Shiner, in de Nint district, had 
 a swell mug from uptown making a speech for 
 him dat night in Frog Hollow, and me friend was 
 dead crazy t get a swell mug t make a speech for 
 Shiner, cause dat s all de style down dere now- 
 days, t have swell mugs talk; but de odder side 
 had run in a ringer, and me friend hadn t got on 
 t his being a dead swell till just before we meets 
 him, and he wanted de worse way t break even. 
 He wanted t know couldn t I get Mr. Paul or Mr. 
 Burton. I knowed dat wasn t no go, cause bote 
 of dem was out wid Miss Fannie t dinner. 
 
 " Den me friend de barkeep says, all of a sud- 
 dint, Chimmie, says he, Chimrnie, you can do 
 de trick yourself ! 
 
 "Whatt ell ! Isays. Don t give me no game, 
 says I. 
 
 "Dat s one ting I never done on de Bow ry: pol 
 itics. I s pose if I had I d be owning me own 
 dram and running it, but I never clone it. Hon 
 est. 
 
 But he says dat all de folks what uster know 
 me in de Nint had a notion dat I d become a real 
 Hvvell. Dat comes from me friend de barkeep tell 
 ing fairy stories, just for a jolly, bout me having 
 been left money t burn a wet dog wid by a 
 uncle.
 
 168 CHIMM1E ON THE STUMP. 
 
 " You re dressed like a swell, you knows all de 
 places in de Nint , and dat ll tickle de gang, and 
 you can do de trick, says me friend. 
 
 " Chirnmie, says Maggie de housemaid, you 
 can do de trick, she says. She is Irish and it 
 was politics, so she was near having a fit wid 
 
 joy. 
 
 " Say, I began to feel kinder queer, and I says 
 t de Duchess: 
 
 " Shall I make de front, Duchess? 
 
 " Well, dat Duchess is a dead game torrowhred 
 if ever dere was one come from forn parts. She 
 says t me: Chames, she says, do de trick, and 
 I ll be proud of you. I never knowed you t try 
 nothing yet you didn t win. 
 
 " Holy gee, I was in for it, and I asts me friend 
 de barkeep what would we do wid de girls. 
 
 " Do nothing ! says Maggie. Me and de Duch 
 ess is going t root for you. Dat s right. Dat s 
 what Maggie de housemaid says, and me friend 
 gives her a hug right where we was chinning on 
 de sidewalk. 
 
 " Say, when I was a kid and had a fight on me 
 hands I was always dead crazy t get it off me 
 hands, and dat was de way I felt as de four of us 
 chases ourselfs over t Frog Hollow. Well, dere 
 on two corners was two trucks wid torches, and
 
 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP. 169 
 
 crowds, and music, and cheers, and I began t feel 
 like I had skates on. 
 
 " Me friend de barkeep pushes up to one of de 
 trucks where a mug had just done a turn. Before 
 I knowed anyting we was dragged up on de truck 
 and de girls was set in chairs, and me friend de 
 barkeep was giving me a knockdown t de crowd. 
 After he had given me a great jolly, he says : 
 Dough de Hon able Mr. Chames Fadden may 
 now be at home in de purlieus of de rich and 
 wealt y, he has never forgot de friends of his boy 
 hood, and he deems it a priv lege dis evening t 
 meet youse agin, t cuss de polit cal problems of 
 de times on behalf of his well steemed friend, 
 Shiner Simpson. He is wid us t night proud t 
 bring wid him in our midst de er de loidies of 
 his household. 
 
 " Say, wid dat de Duchess and Maggie makes a 
 bow from one end of de truck t de odder, and dey 
 bote looked outter sight, for de Duchess had on 
 Miss Fannie s close and Maggie had on de 
 Duchess s. Den de quartet from Starvation Alley 
 sung: 
 
 " He always loves to wander wid his whole household, 
 
 and me friend de barkeep says, Loidies and 
 gents, Mr. Chimmie Fadden.
 
 170 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP. 
 
 " Say, holy gee, wid dat Maggie de housemaid 
 let out a yell you could heard away over to Stag- 
 town, and it set de crowd crazy. I knows dose 
 people, and so does Maggie. Dere s nottin works 
 dem up so quick as a good yell, and de one Maggie 
 let out killed dem dead. 
 
 "Den I takes off me silk dicer, and when de} 
 seen de middle varnish part t me hair one mug 
 yells out: Cop de dude wig Chimmie has got on 
 Fift Avenue! 
 
 " I knowed de mug, and I points me finger at 
 him and says: Say, Plug Jacobs of (TRaflerty s 
 Roost, you don t belong here; you belong over by 
 de odder truck, for you ve got two left feet. 
 
 " Well, you otter heard de gang yell at dat. T 
 tell a mug he has two left feet is de worst ting you 
 can say t him in de Nint . Some one punched 
 him in de jaw, and de)* trowed him out of de 
 crowd. We re wid you, Chimmie, dey yelled. 
 
 "Den I says, Felly Cit zens! I says, I could 
 talk pol tics to you till your ears fell off, cause 
 since I left de glorious Nint District I ain t had 
 nottin t do cept study pol tics. 
 
 "True for you! cried Maggio, and she gives 
 anodder one of dose Kerry }*ells of hers dat sets de 
 crowd crazy again. 
 
 " But what fell has pol tics t do wid dis ques-
 
 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP. 171 
 
 tion? says I. De only ting a man what is a man 
 has t say t himself is wedder Shiner is a dead 
 game sport; wedder he ever went back on his 
 friends. Did he? 
 
 " Not on your life! de crowd yelled, and Mag 
 gie hollered: Not in a tousan years! 
 
 " Say, while de crowd was yelling I was trying 
 t cop off de real swell what was chinning on de 
 odder truck. I couldn t hear a word he said for 
 de noise, and dere was a torch what kep me from 
 getting a good look ; but I seen dat he had on a 
 dinky slouch hat and a dinky overcoat 
 
 "Dat s de trouble wid swell mugs what don t 
 know dose people like I do. Dey tink dey must 
 dress like a farmer or a bum when dey goes t 
 dem. De better a swell dresses de better dey 
 likes it. 
 
 " De felly what s trying t break into Congress 
 agin Shiner, I says, is like de swell what s spout 
 ing for him on de odder truck; he s one ting here 
 to you and anodder ting up town. Ain t you v 
 felly citizens of de Nint , good enough for his 
 Sunday close? 
 
 " De crowd began t groan at him. 
 
 " I guess, I says, he put on his old clothes so 
 dey wouldn t be hurt much if you trowed tings a; 
 dem.
 
 172 CH1MMIE ON THE STUMP. 
 
 "De gang was onto me meaning in a second, 
 and began f trow cabbage-leaves, tomatoes, and I 
 don t know what fell at de swell. 
 
 "Just den de Duchess pulls me coat-tail and 
 says, like she was near having a fit: Mon Dieu, 
 Chames, stop dem ! De man on de odder truck is 
 his Whiskers! 
 
 " Say, I near fell off de truck, sure. I got de 
 crowd to stop pelting him, and just told all de funny 
 stories I knowed fast as I could. De odder crowd 
 came over to ours, and I says, I tink de odder 
 swell is inviting de cit zens of de Ninf to a pig s- 
 head razoo with plenty of curly cabbage and col- 
 cannon. 
 
 "Den dey gives his Whiskers de laugh, cause 
 most of de people in de Ninf don t eat pig s-head. 
 
 "Well, pretty soon I had all de crowd, and his 
 Whiskers was talking f himself something bout 
 de interduction of American pork into German} . 
 I guess dat was pol tics, what I don t know 
 netting bout; but I know, wid one hand tied be 
 hind me, dat pork don t go in de Ninf. 
 
 "I was crazy for fear his Whiskers might git 
 onto me, so I says, Felly cit zens, talk is good, 
 but song is better. Miss Maggie will favor us wid 
 "Molly O." 
 
 "And she done it. Maggie can sing like a
 
 CHIMMIE ON THE STUMP. 173 
 
 peach, and she give it to dem good, wid everybody 
 joining in de chorus. Some of de gang what was 
 furderest from our truck all of a suddint grabbed 
 de truck his Whiskers was on and ran it off a 
 block so as he wouldn t disturb de singing. 
 
 :i Chames, says de Duchess dat night, giving 
 me a kiss, Chames, I m proud of you. But tell 
 me, Chames, what was dat meeting about? 
 
 "Not wishing to keep anyting back from her, 
 I returns her kiss, and I says, Duchess, says I, 
 damn it I know. "
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL,
 
 u O AY, you know me friend de barkeep? Well. 
 he s no dead tough mug from de Fort 
 Ward, but he s right people. Sure; he s just as 
 right people as dere is on de Bow ry. 
 
 " Well, I meets him de odder day and he tells 
 me he ain t going to barkeep for anodder mug no 
 longer, cause he has bought a drum of his own 
 what he s going t run. He says t me, says he, 
 Chimmie, he says, I m going to open me own 
 drum on Friday, says he; not for public trade till 
 Saturday, but just to a few gents who has never 
 done me wrong, and I wants t see dere faces open 
 widout dere shoving de price acrost de bar. See? 
 
 " I told him he d copped me off straight, and I 
 would be wid him if Mr. Burton had no use for 
 me dat night, and I could make a sneak from de 
 Duchess. Den I says t him could I fetch a friend, 
 and he says, An} friend of my friend, on your 
 life, he says. See? Ain t he right people? 
 
 " Say, what do you tink I was tinking of? Mr. 
 Paul. Dat s right. Mr. Paul often says t me 
 dat he s stuck on de Bow ry, and he wondered 
 would I fetch him wid mo any old day when I was 
 just happening t be going dere.
 
 178 CHIMM1E FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL. 
 
 " So de next time I seen Mr. Paul I asks him 
 would he like t chase along wid me t de opening 
 of de drum of me friend de barkeep. 
 
 " Den he looks solemn as do Recorder, and he 
 says wouldn t me friend spoil his drum if he 
 opened it. He was just putting up a front dat he 
 didn t know dat on the Bow ry de right name for 
 a joint is a drum. If I had de front of Mr. Paul 
 I d run an elevator up it so as folks could get onto 
 me. I was easy on dat he was kidding me, cause 
 I ll give you de straight pipe tip dere ain t a dead 
 swell mug in town what knows de Bow ry better 
 dan Mr. Paul. He puts up a front of being leary 
 of running up against it dere, so as t get me t 
 chase along wid him, t steer him. Dat s what he 
 calls me guiding him. See? 
 
 " Well, de night me friend de barkeep give de 
 reception at his drum I told de Duchess I has t 
 see a felly bout a bull pup was I tellin you about 
 dat bull pup? and she asks me wasn t dat pup a 
 grandfadder yet. I told her she was straight, dat 
 it was de grandson pup I was chasing. 
 
 " Well, I makes de sneak, and meets Mr. Paul 
 on de corner of Fourteent street and Fort avenue, 
 and we chases t de new place of me friend de 
 barkeep. 
 
 " Say, dere was a great gang dere. All de
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL. 179 
 
 Bow ry swells, and dey give me de willing hand, 
 and trows a drink down me troat as soon as dey 
 piped me. I was dead hungry, so I tells de mug 
 at de lunch counter t chicken me, and den he 
 hammed me and sandwiched me, and before I was 
 tru feeding me face Mr. Paul had done de hand 
 shake wid every mug in de drum, and was a dead 
 easy favorite. I knowed as soon as I seen de way 
 he had captured tie gang he d never run up against 
 it on de Bow ry in a t ousand years. 
 
 " Say, you never seen anything like de way he 
 was jollying. Why, he could run a comic paper 
 in a walk. 
 
 "Well, after Mr. Paul had done dem all fair, 
 and we takes anodder bracer t keep our healt 
 right against de rain, we says s long t de gang 
 and chases ourselves. Chimmie, says Mr. Paul 
 t me, Chimmie, I has passed a most joyous even 
 ing, he says, meaning dat tings had went his way, 
 easy, cause I m onto dose dude langwudge, a 
 most joyous and destructive evening, says he, 
 and it would give me great graft no, much 
 pleasure, dat was it much pleasure t have you 
 come wid me and feed your face no, have some 
 supper, dat s right have some supper wid me. 
 
 " Say, I m dead on t Mr. Paul. He don t care 
 how nobody sizes up his game, see? I knowed
 
 180 CHIMMIE FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL. 
 
 dat if he took it into his nut t blow me off at de 
 swellest rest rant in town he d do me proud, wed- 
 der all de dudes he knows was dere or not. Let 
 me tell you : He has de long green t burn a wet 
 dog wid, and a joint in de country and a yacht 
 and more horses dan a circus, and if he puts up 
 some crazy game de real swells dey just laughs or 
 lets on dey don t tumble, and de Willie boys dey 
 runs round losing dere breat telling how centrif 
 ugal no, dat s not it. What! Eccentric? Yes, 
 dat s right telling how eccentric he is. 
 
 " So I says I was wid him, and we goes to a lot 
 of places where Mr. Paul looks in; but we didn t 
 break in till we strikes one where dere was a big 
 flock of Willie boys drinking green mint, what s a 
 kind of oil dat tastes like candy dey pours over 
 ice. 
 
 " Before we goes in Mr. Paul cops me off straight 
 for de game I was t play. Chames, says he, 
 I ve heard you talk like dese Willie bo} S when 
 you was kiddin Maggie de housemaid. 
 
 "Say, I ain t got a curve dat Mr. Paul ain t 
 onto. 
 
 "Den he says: If I introduces you to any of 
 dese Willies I wants you t talk like dem, and do 
 it wid a straight front. See? Dem s de very 
 words he says t me, and den we goes in, and all
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL. 1.81 
 
 de waiters near breaks dere backs bowing us t 
 dere tables. 
 
 " Well, we takes seats, and all de mugs what 
 was trowing green mint into dere faces begins pip 
 ing me like dey never could get dere eyes shut 
 again, cause most of dem knowed who I was, wid 
 seeing me on Miss Fannie s carriage when I uster 
 ride on de box. Well, pretty soon two of dem 
 comes over to our table and gives Mr. Paul de sore- 
 arm handshake. Don t you know what dat is? 
 Dat s de handshake like you was trying t keep de 
 sun out of your eyes, sure. 
 
 " As dey was sailing over to us, Mr. Paul says 
 dat dey were bote working him hard for a invite 
 to his yacht party, and after de handshake he in 
 troduces dem t me, on de dead level, like I was 
 one of dem, see. 
 
 "At first dey kinder giggled and chuckled, like 
 de}* was having some fun wid dereselfs, but Mr. 
 Paul stared at dem till dey tumbled, and den he 
 ask dem would dey join us in a bottle. 
 
 "Dey joined us, hard enough, but it was like 
 dey had a invite t join in a bumblebee party. 
 
 "One of dem says t me, says he, Mr. Fadden, 
 he says, I fauncy you don t d wink champagne 
 often, says he. 
 
 " Mr. Paul gives me de wink t trun him, and I
 
 182 CHIMM1E FADDEN TREATS MR. PAUL. 
 
 says, Not often, I says, like him, see? Not 
 often. I tink it s quite a vulgah dvvink, old chap 
 pie. I mostly dwink close Vu-jo or Chamber- 
 tang, I says. 
 
 "De Willie boy got red, but Mr. Paul only looks 
 solemner dan before, and den I says t de odder 
 Willie, Old chappie, says I, ain t you afraid dis 
 champagne won t agree wid your mixed ale? I 
 says. 
 
 " Den dey bote jumped up, real saucy, and flew 
 de coop widout so much as saying s long. 
 
 " Mr. Paul looks tautful a minute, and den he 
 says: Chames, he says, how much better your 
 friends treated me dan my friends treated you. 
 I m afraid, Chames, dat you have made dose little 
 boys so cross dey won t come t me yacht party. 
 Derefore, pay de waiter wid dis five and divide de 
 change wid him. "
 
 A LOST CHORD.
 
 " ATTO!" 
 
 " See here, Tommy, you ve called Otto 
 often enough. Let s go home." 
 
 Tommy Paget stared at the Anarchist ; he was 
 usually the last to leave the supper-table. It was 
 there he had his cherished opportunities to ex 
 pound all the "isms" his editor disapproved; and 
 so long as Lynn, Dunnigan, Paget, or any of the 
 late men ho chummed with would stay at the 
 supper-table, Patsy, the Anarchist, never sug 
 gested leaving. 
 
 " Headache, Patsy?" asked Tommy. 
 
 " No, only you are such a complete ass about 
 drinking, after you had had as much as a man 
 should drink with his supper." 
 
 This response of Patsy s was greeted with 
 laughter by all. the men at the table, Patsy 
 never having distinguished himself by conti 
 nence in cups. Patsy himself grinned a little, 
 and then said : 
 
 " It s all right for you, Dunni and Lynn, who 
 have been drinking with your suppers every night 
 these fifteen years, and always go home as sober 
 
 as a judge should be ; but for this young cub to try 
 
 185
 
 186 A LOST CHORD. 
 
 to get ahead of the malt-beverage production of 
 the country makes me 
 
 " It makes you prosy, Patsy," interrupted Paget. 
 " Life is too long as it is for us to endure the An 
 archist turned prosy. Otto ! 
 
 " What, without asking, hither hurried Whence? 
 And, without asking, Whither hurried hence? 
 Oh, many a Cup of this forbidden Wine 
 Must drown the memory of that insolence ! " 
 
 Tommy Paget trilled these lines as if they had 
 the significance of a sentimental song and no 
 more; but the Anarchist started angrily, then 
 laughed, and said: 
 
 " Well, Tommy, since you won t go, I ll tell you 
 a story about the last time I heard a drunken man 
 quote a Rubaiyat. The story may also throw an 
 illuminating side-light on my present virtuous 
 frame of mind concerning rum. All right, Otto ! 
 
 " As you know, I was up North, last week gath 
 ering pearls of scandal to embroider on that sensa 
 tion Dunni has woven out of the Mason case. 
 
 " To catch a night-train down, I was driven over 
 from Oroville to the town of Gridley, and upon 
 inquiring how much late the train would be, found 
 I should have the social delights of the town at my 
 disposal until two o clock in the morning. I had
 
 A LOST CHORD. 187 
 
 a book and found a beer-hall, so was doing very 
 well until I was distracted by the demands of an 
 insufficiently drunken tramp to supply him with 
 the forbidden Cup, for which he offered to ex 
 change a song. 
 
 "It is my belief that the Cup is a beneficent 
 agency in promoting the survival of the fittest, so 
 the bargain was made. He took whiskey Grid- 
 ley whiskey and as much as the barkeeper would 
 permit. Then he wobbled over to a piano, which 
 had a tone like a keg of nails, and proceeded to 
 make noises that gradually assumed a resemblance 
 to The Lost Chord. As he reached the bravura, 
 It may be that only in heaven, I suddenly became 
 very much interested. He had swung into the big 
 accompaniment as no one could who had not once 
 played it perfectly, his voice cleared on the last 
 notes, and he took them with evidence of careful 
 training. 
 
 " I was suddenly conscious that I was listening 
 to a man whose name, seven or eight years ago, 
 was constantly in every social column in the city. 
 
 " He had been a society feature. His people were 
 good; his musical education brilliant; handsome, 
 well-dressed, and clerk in a mining office at sixty 
 dollars a month. 
 
 "You remember the case, Dunni only a few
 
 188 A LOST CHORD. 
 
 thousand short friends squared it disappeared 
 forgotten. 
 
 "There were tears in his poor, shallow eyes 
 when I thanked him and asked him to sit at my 
 table. He had a mustache and beard like a ragged 
 chrysanthemum, and very little resemblance to a 
 human being, yet it pleased me to act as if he were 
 what I had known him to be. After he had ac 
 cepted several payments for the song, and had a 
 brave and merry heart, I let him know that I knew 
 him he had never known me. 
 
 " He told me graciously that he had just opened 
 up a tremendously rich quartz-mine, and was then 
 on his way to the city to order a mill, but would 
 be delayed a day or so, as he had lost his trunk 
 from the stage, coming down from the mountains. 
 
 " The game soon bored me, and I left him there. 
 I walked up and down the main street for an hour, 
 meditating on the all-pervading sweetness and 
 light of existence and the mutability of railroad 
 time-tables, until I was disturbed by cries from 
 the halls of pleasure I had last left. Hurrying 
 back there it is deadly dull waiting for a delayed 
 train past midnight I found the proprietor of the 
 place strengthening himself in righteousness by 
 kicking my singer into the gutter. As he had 
 already kicked him into insensibility, which was
 
 A LOST CHORD. 189 
 
 all the victim, even, could have asked, I suggested 
 that hostilities cease. They did not, so I accepted 
 the pleasant opportunity of warming myself by 
 thrashing the somewhat amazed proprietor. 
 
 " Tommy, when you give up being a journalist 
 and become a newspaper man, by all means en 
 deavor to get out-of-town details. They afford 
 many pleasant and ennobling experiences, and 
 some time it may even be your knightly fate to 
 bark your knuckles against a bumpkin s head in 
 defence of a fellow-creature who is as drunk as he 
 wants to be. 
 
 " I made the silent singer as comfortable as the 
 facilities of the gutter permitted and resumed my 
 walk, my pleasant meditations now enriched with 
 reminiscences of the last time I had seen my 
 singer. He had taken the leading part in a society 
 drama played by swell amateurs for a fashionable 
 charity. I had reported the affair. 
 
 "When I went to the station, at two o clock, the 
 agent told me that I had an hour longer to wait, 
 so I was not half sorry to find my Lost Chord on 
 the platform. I wanted some one to talk to, and 
 the station-agent wanted to sleep. 
 
 "The Lost Chord was in a pretty bad way. 
 The warmth of his cups had left him, and his 
 clothes not being weather-proof, he was rapidly
 
 190 A LOST CHORD. 
 
 shaking himself to pieces. He had forgotten the 
 kicking, the superior agony of incipient delirium 
 making the ache of bruised bones a matter of 
 indifference. It seemed both wise and charitable 
 to assist him to expire with a flash, rather than let 
 him merely cease to exist for lack of energy to 
 shiver longer, so I gave, him my flask a full one. 
 He was soon as bold and happy a being as as 
 you were a few minutes ago, Tommy; and when 
 my train came along, he was reciting poetry with 
 fervor and eloquence. His bared and battered 
 head was upturned to the glinting stars, and his 
 rag-covered body was gracefully erect. I was 
 grateful to my flask. 
 
 " The train was scarcely under way when there 
 was a sudden jerking of the bell-rope, and a pale- 
 faced brakeman whispered to the conductor: A 
 damn tramp tried to jump us and fell between. I 
 went back with the train hands, and as I leaned 
 over him the Lost Chord smiled and murmured : 
 
 " Drink ! for you know not whence you came, nor why 1 
 Drink ! for you know not why you go, nor where ! 
 
 "In a few minutes he went where? and they 
 shovelled it off to one side of the track. 
 " Otto ! Fill Mr. Paget s glass." 
 " No, Patsy ! Let s go home. "
 
 HIS UAKKIJ AND BATTERED HEAD WAS UPTURNED TO THE GLITTERING STARS. 
 
 Page 190.
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE.
 
 T WAS attracted to Pinkey by his great liveliness 
 and the fact that he wore a portion of the uni 
 form of a district messenger-boy. " It may be," I 
 thought, "that all messenger-boys are not born 
 tired, but that that is a condition affecting them 
 only when on duty." Pinkey, I concluded, was 
 not on duty. He was uniformed only as to trousers, 
 and he was, as I have said, most agreeably viva 
 cious and alert. 
 
 I first saw him emerging from a basement coffee- 
 shop, from which, as he passed a table near the 
 door, he acquired an extra doughnut with great 
 skill and neatness. On the sidewalk he met a 
 uniformed companion. 
 
 "Hullo, Stubby." 
 
 "Hullo, Pinkey." 
 
 They were passing each other with this when 
 Pinkey produced the doughnut and grinned. 
 Stubby looked at it, then at the coffee-shop, and 
 then he grinned. 
 
 "Give us a piece." 
 
 Pinkey broke the cake and was passing half to 
 Stubby, when he hesitated, and asked : 
 
 " Got a cigarette?" 
 
 X93
 
 194 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 
 
 "Naw." 
 
 "You re a liar!" 
 
 Then Stubby grinned, produced a package, gave 
 Pinkey a cigarette, took half the doughnut, and 
 departed, slowly. 
 
 Pinkey lighted up and started rapidly down the 
 street, but stopped suddenly in front of a hand- 
 organ, on which was seated a little, shivering, 
 pink-nosed, white poodle, holding a tin} basket in 
 its mouth. Pinkey made a motion of depositing 
 money in the basket, and the shivering poodle 
 made a motion of kissing his hand. It was the 
 poodle s one poor little trick, and it amused Pinkey 
 enormously ; he made the dog do it over and over 
 again, to the rage of the organ-grinder. 
 
 "Go away, you leetle-a boodlum-a!" 
 
 Then Pinkey was in a rage. He glared at the 
 organist with eyes contracted and chin extended, 
 and said in a low, threatening growl : 
 
 "Soy, you call me a hoodlum agin an I ll take 
 a fall out of you !" 
 
 The Italian who was a big, muscular fellow, 
 with two sound legs tucked under him, and two 
 wooden stumps strapped to his knees sticking out 
 in front of him looked ready to spring to his feet 
 and demolish Pinkey. 
 
 "Soy, I m on to you, young felly. If youse
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 195 
 
 jump me, de cop will see yer wood legs is fakes, 
 and run you off de beat. See?" 
 
 Pinkey grinned after saying this, and made the 
 poodle kiss his hands again, and then discovered 
 that it was ravenously interested in the greasy 
 doughnut Pinkey still carried. 
 
 "Oh, de purp s hungry; let s feed him," and he 
 took the basket and began feeding the famished 
 poodle, while the Italian nearly had a fit from rage. 
 
 " Well, so long, young felly !" exclaimed Pinkey, 
 when he had fed the poodle poddy. " I ll be along 
 to-morrow, an if youse have whaled de purp fer 
 eating de sinker, I ll put de cop on to yer fake 
 legs." 
 
 Pinkey replaced the basket in the poodle s 
 mouth, patted its head, grinned at the organist, 
 shook his fist at him, and started down the street 
 at a sprinting pace. I hurried after him from the 
 show-window I had been pretending to examine, 
 but his pace was such that I surely would have 
 lost him had he not come into violent collision 
 with a youngster about his size who was super 
 intending the progress of a mechanical toy across 
 the sidewalk. 
 
 "Who you running into, kid?" exclaimed the 
 toy-vender, picking up his sample toy a yellow 
 ostrich, driven by a green man, in a red cart and
 
 196 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 
 
 placing it by the side of his stock of goods, on the 
 edge of the sidewalk. Pinkey really had the wind 
 knocked out of him by the collision, and could not 
 reply at once. He was rubbing his hands in front 
 of him I had seen that trick before, and suspected 
 what was to follow and grinning, as he slowly 
 approached the unsuspecting toy-boy. Without 
 a word or sign of warning, Pinkey s right flew 
 out and his fist landed hard and flush on the 
 mouth of the amazed vender. 
 
 There was a short but very lively rally at close 
 quarters, in which Pinkey was getting all the best 
 of it (belonging to the leisure class, he had more 
 time for the practice of the manly art of attack) , 
 when the gathered crowd was parted by the slow 
 and dignified entrance into the ring of a policeman. 
 
 "Stop that!" exclaimed the officer. 
 
 The boys arms fell to their sides. 
 
 "What s all this about?" 
 
 The toy-vender really did not seem to know 
 what it was all about, and was silent ; but Pinkey 
 explained, without a second s hesitation : 
 
 " Why, Officer Mullin, dis kid was blocking up 
 de whole sidewalk wid his tin toys, an a lady 
 nearly fell over one an broke her leg, an I says 
 to him, Let de lady pass; does de whole sidewalk 
 belong to youse? An he says he pays de cop de
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 197 
 
 officer, I mean for not running him in ; an know 
 ing you, Mr. Mullin, I says he lies, an he tries to 
 tump me an " 
 
 The crowd giggled and the officer scowled. 
 
 "Pinkey,"he said, "you are a little liar. Go 
 on about your business, or I ll run you in for fight 
 ing ; and you" to the other boy " keep your toys 
 off the sidewalk, or I ll run you in." Then the 
 officer moved off slowly, and still with dignity. 
 While Pinkey was weaving his little romance, 
 every eye was fixed on his eloquent lips: every 
 one s eyes except mine. I had discovered a pecul 
 iar motion of Pinkey s feet. The tin ostrich and 
 driver were being skilfully drawn apart from the 
 stock of toys, and, when the officer moved off, the 
 toy was between Pinkey s shoes. 
 
 As the officer disappeared, Pinkey dropped his 
 soft hat, with which he had been pretending to 
 wipe his eyes, and, stepping back as he did so, the 
 hat fell over the toy. When he picked it up and 
 resumed his dabs at his dry eyes, I knew the toy 
 was safely his, and wickedly rejoiced. 
 
 Then Pinkey darted off again ; and I would have 
 had great difficulty in following him had he not 
 stopped every time he came to a toy-seller the 
 street was lined with them to inquire if they were 
 suffering for a fight, to blackguard them, and
 
 198 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 
 
 sometimes to snatch off their caps to shy them 
 under the wheels of passing vehicles. Suddenly 
 we came upon a toy-seller surrounded by a group 
 of smiling people. Pinkey edged in, and I fol 
 lowed. The prettiest child you ever saw, a girl 
 four or five years old, was crowing and laughing 
 in mad delight over a strutting tin ostrich drawing 
 the accustomed green man and red cart. Her joy 
 was so hilarious a crowd of smiling people had 
 stopped to share it. 
 
 "Oh, mamma, I want it!" she exclaimed, at 
 last, and she grabbed up the toy and hugged it to 
 her bosom in an ecstasy of happiness. A woman, 
 very poorly, but carefully, dressed, answered, in a 
 low voice, in which there was sadness : " Come, 
 Dorothy, mamma won t buy it now; some other 
 clay." * 
 
 "But, mamma, I love it. Please dive it to 
 Do thy." 
 
 The woman took from a very small purse a 
 dime and offered it to the vender. 
 
 "Dem walking-toys is two-bits," the boy said, 
 with scorn. 
 
 The woman replaced the coin, flushed slightly, 
 and, taking the child s hand, said: "Come, Dor 
 othy, put down the toy. We ll buy something 
 else, pretty."
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 199 
 
 Dorothy s eyes filled and her lips trembled. 
 " Nofing else is so booful," she said, and, putting 
 down the toy, walked away with her mother, 
 choking, but grittily silent. 
 
 Pinkey and I followed them. It was several 
 blocks before they turned into a quieter side-street, 
 and then Pinkey overtook them. "Here, little 
 girl, dis is fer j ouse," said Pinkey, producing the 
 toy he had sequestered. The child uttered a cry 
 of delight, and had the toy in her arms in an 
 instant. 
 
 "I I cannot buy it. I am sorry," the mother 
 sai d . 
 
 " Tain t fer sale," replied Pinkey. "It s a 
 Christmas present." 
 
 " You are a very kind boy," the la.dy said, smil 
 ing sweetly; "but my little girl must net take 
 your toy." 
 
 The situation was becoming involved and set 
 about with social complexities which were too in 
 tricate for Pinkey s primitive understanding. He 
 looked a puzzled moment at the woman, grinned 
 very good-naturedly at the child, and then, with 
 startling suddenness, turned and ran as if for his 
 life. I lost him then, for he turned like a rabbit 
 at the first corner. Having devoted three-quarters 
 of an hour in a profitless but pleasing study of
 
 200 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 
 
 Finkey, I found myself just that much late for an 
 engagement at my club, and hurried there, mak 
 ing up a proper excuse as I went. Just as I 
 reached the street entrance, I was overtaken by 
 the man my engagement was with, who said: 
 "You got my note, then?" 
 
 "Your note?" 
 
 " I sent one here an hour ago, saying I should be 
 detained. Heavens ! what a racket !" 
 
 Down the street surged a mob of men and boys 
 of all conditions, surrounding two fighting dogs. 
 Nearest the fighters was Pinkey, and over all the 
 other noises came his voice: 
 
 " Leave em alone, I soy ! Dey re even match, 
 even weight. Let em fight !" 
 
 A policeman irrupted, and as a preliminary 
 means of securing peace, aimed a kick at Pinkey. 
 He avoided the kick neatly, so as to let it land 
 on an inoffensive old gentleman, and squirming 
 out of the crowd, to my surprise, darted toward 
 me. 
 
 " Here comes the very boy I gave the note to. 
 Here, you young brat! Didn t I give you a note 
 an hour ago to deliver at this club?" Not for any 
 space of a second was Pinkey embarrassed. 
 
 "Yes, sir; but I m sorry, sir, dere was a run 
 away an "
 
 AN IMMORAL PROVIDENCE. 201 
 
 "And you were killed, I suppose," interrupted 
 my friend. 
 
 " No, sir. It happened to be me poor old father, 
 sir. His legs was broken, sir, and I had to tell the 
 ambulance- driver where to take him, sir." 
 
 " If the little beggar s father was really run 
 over, I d better give him a dollar," said my friend, 
 who is sympathetic and credulous. 
 
 "Give him a dollar, anyhow," I suggested.
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE.
 
 \TR. DUNNIGAN stopped before the wretchedest 
 tenement of the poorest street in the Latin 
 Quarter of San Francisco. He pulled from his 
 pocket a folded wad of brown copy-paper, glanced 
 at some pencilled figures, and entered the house. 
 In the hall he met a police officer whom he saluted 
 familiarly, and then asked : " Which room, Dan?" 
 
 " It s up three flights. The women will show 
 you the room." 
 
 In the crowd of excited women on the third 
 floor, Dunnigan found one who could speak enough 
 English to answer his questions. 
 
 He was on a criminal case an ordinary one, 
 he thought and soon learned all he wanted to 
 know that the woman could tell. Then he entered 
 the room to make a diagram for an illustration. 
 There was little to note : a bed in one corner, in 
 another a table on which were some bread, an 
 empty beer-can, and a violin-case. The latter 
 Dunnigan examined. 
 
 The woman, bis informant, explained: "She 
 play-a da piano, an da man who kill-a her play-a 
 
 da violin in da dance- a place." 
 205
 
 206 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 
 
 Then Dunnigan went out into the street and was 
 surprised to meet Mr. Patterson, evidently looking 
 for the same house. 
 
 "Ain t you off your beat, Patsy?" 
 
 " Don t know yet. Are you working on this 
 countess-killing?" 
 
 "Yes; but I didn t think the story was big 
 enough to attract special writers. What is there 
 in it to bring you here?" 
 
 " Oh, I don t know. Wasn t this countess some 
 kind of character- about-town once?" 
 
 Dunnigan and Patterson were the best of 
 friends, but it was their business to be watchful of 
 each other when they met on the same story. 
 
 " Never heard of her except when she has been 
 brought in for drunk and disorderly," answered 
 Dunnigan, cautiously; and then suddenly he 
 exclaimed : " There s that blooming kid !" 
 
 This explosive reference concerned Mr. Tommy 
 Paget, manifestly following a messenger-boy, who 
 was carrying a beautiful basket of flowers. 
 
 Mr. Paget was closely pressed by a small army 
 of street fry ugly, dirty, ragged, thievish, and, 
 as their numbers increased, belligerent. 
 
 The unusual sight, in their haunts, of a uni 
 formed messenger and costly flowers had excited 
 this uprising, and although Tommy s cane had
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 207 
 
 prevented the pillage of the flowers, he was relieved 
 when he caught sight of his friends. 
 
 The scared messenger hurried to the police 
 officer: "Dis bokay is fer de murdered lady," he 
 gasped. 
 
 " She s at the morgue," the officer replied. 
 
 The boy looked at his tormentors, and then at 
 the flowers, so hopelessly, that the officer added; 
 " But you can leave the flowers upstairs. The 
 lady will be brought back after the inquest." 
 
 The incident, of course, attracted the close atten 
 tion of the newspaper men. 
 
 Tommy Paget called Dunnigan aside they 
 worked on the same paper and whispered to him 
 out of the hearing of Patterson : " I happened to 
 be passing the Quarter and saw the messenger 
 make for this horrible hole with those flowers. I 
 knew there must be some sort of story, so I fol 
 lowed the boy." 
 
 " You ll make a criminal-news detective, some 
 time," growled Dunnigan, good-naturedly. 
 
 Patterson waited for the messenger to reappear, 
 and started to follow, when Dunnigan called to 
 him : 
 
 " Say, Patsy, of course there s a story in- those 
 flowers; but Tommy s close on that. So you work 
 up what else you are on to, Tommy will dig up
 
 208 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 
 
 the flowers story, and I ll finish the police end of 
 it. We can exchange at dinner, as there s no 
 chance of a scoop now." 
 
 This was agreed to, and the three men, escort 
 ing the messenger, walked back through the 
 Quarter into civilization, and separated on their 
 work. 
 
 They dined at Jacques , one of the little res 
 taurants down by the newspaper shops. What if 
 the claret is petit bleu? It is plentiful and makes 
 glad the heart. If the carpet is wine-soaked saw 
 dust, there need be less heed about lighted ciga 
 rettes. And Jacques can cook. 
 
 Mr. Lynn joined the party. He was dispirited, 
 and attacked the petit bleu vigorously. 
 
 "Did you play the losing middleweight last 
 night?" asked Dunnigan, sympathetically. 
 
 Lynn sighed, and swallowed a tumbler of petit 
 bleu. 
 
 "Oi played the winner, Dunni," he said; "but 
 wealth bej ond the dreams av avarice beyond me 
 score at Morman s could bring me no joy this 
 day. The woman whose fair hands gave me me 
 first dinner in San Francisco, whose sweet voice 
 first gave hope to me dispondent heart, the Coun 
 tess von Hoefel 
 
 " Oh, then you have the introduction to the
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 209 
 
 story ! That makes it complete. Go ahead !" inter 
 rupted Patsy. 
 
 Lynn looked surprised at this business-like re 
 sponse to his rhapsody, but soon saw the situation 
 and resumed : 
 
 " It was in the seventies the bubbling, brilliant, 
 bullion, bonanza days when Oi, a youngster, 
 broke, but hopeful, landed here. The very day 
 after mo arrival, Oi presinted a letter to a shport- 
 ing gentleman an ould-country frind av me 
 father s and he asked me out to the races wid 
 him. Oi d rather he d asked me to breakfast; but 
 next to eating, racing goes. 
 
 "The two-year-oulds were not great in those 
 days, but the crowds that wint to see them were. 
 The price av as many bottles as he could drink 
 was in every man s pocket except poor Terence 
 Lynn s. 
 
 " The infield was as pretty a sight as you d 
 wish to see. Near where me frind shtopped his 
 team, on the infield, was a dainty little victoria, 
 wid a stylish pair av grays twas the fashion 
 thin and around it the jolliest crowd in all the 
 field. 
 
 " It s the Countess von Hoefel, says me frind; 
 Oi ll presint you. 
 
 " We walked over to the victoria and edged our
 
 210 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 
 
 way to its side; but when me frind had shpoken to 
 her, she suddenly looked at me, and cried out: 
 Terence Lynn! Don t you know me? 
 
 " Oi cried back: Shure, if you wasn t the Coun 
 tess von Hoefel, you d be Nora Dolan ! 
 
 "At that she led the crowd in a laugh, and then 
 threw her arms around me neck and kissed me 
 square on the mouth. 
 
 " You re a divil ! says she. 
 
 " Oi m a beggar, says Oi. 
 
 "She shtopped laughing, and, looking at me 
 earnestly, says: Are you well in the wurruld, 
 Terence Lynn? 
 
 " Never better in me loife, says Oi; for wid a 
 pretty woman s hand on me shoulder, and her sweet 
 eyes laughing and crying at me, how could Oi 
 be better? 
 
 " Oi now found meself as much stared at by the 
 swells as was Nora herself, and one ould chap 
 glowering at me in tragedy style. Nora saw it, 
 too, and, wid a little wink at me, made me step 
 into the victoria wid her, when she introduced me 
 to a dozen av her gallants. 
 
 " He s the boy, she would say. Terence 
 Lynn s the boy who led the crowd that dragged 
 me carriage to the hotel the night I made me 
 debut as Belle Helene in Dublin.
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 211 
 
 " Son of the gentleman Oi ve heard you speak 
 av so often, says the scowling old man, trying 
 hard to be polite. 
 
 " The same, says Nora, wid her color high; 
 you ll dine wid me this night, Terence Lynn! 
 
 "But Oi m wid a fiind, says Oi. 
 
 " And your frind, too. Any frind av your 
 father s son dines wid me when Oi order the din 
 ner. We ll all drive down to your place, she 
 says to the scowler, so go over and telegraph 
 orders. Oi ll not play this night. 
 
 " He went. Oi noticed that any one about her 
 was glad to get an order to do anything for her 
 whether to place a thousand on her choice in the 
 races or open wine and serve sandwiches. 
 
 " But me story s long. It was her influence put 
 me on the papers at once, and to her Oi traced 
 many a kindness to Terence Lynn. To many a 
 struggling Bohemian some av them up in the 
 wurruld now Nora Dolan did favors, sending 
 buyers for pictures, and what not. 
 
 " In the two years Oi was in Washington, Oi 
 lost track av her. To-day, in the office, while 
 writing up the entries for the spring meeting, Oi 
 overheard the boys saying that the poor creature 
 murdered to-day was, in fact, the Countess von 
 Hoefel."
 
 212 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 
 
 "Yours is the next chapter, Patsy," said Dun- 
 nigan, turning to Patterson. 
 
 "It appears," began Patterson, "that the 
 sprightly portion of the existence of the late Coun 
 tess von Hoefel, nee Dolan, had that meteoric 
 flight which, somehow, in this selfish world, 
 seems, sadly enough, to distinguish the line of 
 progress indicated by Lynn s story. 
 
 " There was, in fact, a genuine Count von Hoe 
 fel, who deemed it not incompatible with his rank 
 and dignity to permit the countess to pay his ex 
 penses from her earnings as an opera-bouffe star. 
 
 " The countess, in those golden days, had many 
 admirers whose consideration for her greater com 
 fort prompted their generosity to the extent of her 
 entire maintenance in leisure. 
 
 "The count departed; his regret at his wife s 
 inattention to her professional career assuaged by 
 a check from I easily identify him the man 
 who scowled at Lynn. 
 
 " When her richest patron suddenly departed 
 this life, it so happened that many of her other 
 friends were in such financial stress that she was 
 compelled to accept engagements in the small 
 theatres. She tried to regain her old position on 
 the stage, but j^ears absence, and a life in which 
 a natural aptitude for wine had had rare oppor-
 
 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 213 
 
 tunities for development, made managers cautious, 
 and la belle comtesse was soon below the surface, 
 singing ballads in unnamed theatres. Her exact 
 career is difficult to follow: she sang under as 
 sumed names, and the countess was supposed to 
 be merely a playful nickname by the lowly asso 
 ciates I have interviewed this afternoon. My 
 investigation carried me, at last, to the under 
 ground concert-halls, whose stars are not in the 
 astronomers books because of the absence in those 
 halls of printed programmes. But even from that 
 career she disappeared, the one last note of her 
 voice having succumbed to a persistent attack of 
 rum. 
 
 "Now, Dunni, if you will kindly give us your 
 end of the story, we shall soon have the lady com 
 fortably and finally located in the morgue." 
 
 "Well, as I told you," said Dunnigan, "I knew 
 of her as a woman I chanced to see brought in 
 once in a while never enough for an item as a 
 drunk and disorderly. Sometimes she was 
 brought in with her consort, a man known as 
 Piano Charley, and of late he has fyrnished an 
 occasional item being brought in for beating her. 
 
 " They lived in the room we saw to-day. They 
 played she the piano, he the violin in a sailors 
 dance -cellar.
 
 214 THE LADY AT THE MORGUE. 
 
 " There is little in my end of the story. He was 
 drunker than usual last night, and not knowing 
 when he had kicked her enough, kicked her to 
 death." 
 
 "By the way," said Patterson, when Dunnigan 
 finished, "Tommy was to dig up the story of the 
 flowers. Did you bribe the florist s boy to give 
 the name of the man who ordered the flowers for 
 the countess, Tommy?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, what s choking you? What s the man s 
 name?" 
 
 " Terence Lynn."
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY.
 
 TT is not probable that Casey knew he was well 
 born. If he did, he concealed the knowledge 
 with a clever appreciation of what discomforts the 
 fact, if known, would impose upon him, for he was 
 a sly dog. But it is probable that he knew nothing 
 of his high birth, just as he thought nothing of his 
 seeming low birth ; for the question of life mere 
 existence was so ever-present and tremendous 
 with him that its continuance was of much more 
 concern than its origin. Blood may tell, but in 
 the case of Casey it told nothing to his credit. He 
 was just as disreputable, homeless, tagless, and 
 thievish as any of the companions with whom he 
 marauded, quarrelled, and struggled for mainte 
 nance. 
 
 Casey had fallen from the high and comfortable 
 state to which he was born through no fault for 
 which he was responsible, but owing to the ver 
 dict passed upon him by the coachman and gar 
 dener that he was a "runt." At the time this 
 terrible verdict had been given, Casey (then known 
 to his aristocratic circle as "Rollo") was feeding 
 
 on the milk and bread of Plenty, without other 
 217
 
 218 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 
 
 clouds in the summer sky of his young existence 
 than such as were caused by the depressing knowl 
 edge that every one of his brothers and sisters could 
 thrash him with ease and did so with frequency. 
 
 It was partly this fact, observed by the coach 
 man and gardener, and partly a whimsical mark 
 over his eyes, which decided Casej^ s fate. The 
 sentence was : Death by drowning ! 
 
 The coachman was appointed executioner, and, 
 to his credit, accepted the task with regret, for 
 Casey, though small for his four months and lack 
 ing in beauty, being scarred with much disastrous 
 war, was as plucky as any one of the litter. The 
 housekeeper decided against a pail of water in the 
 barn as the means of Casey s taking off, for, 
 although admitted to be simple and convenient, 
 as urged by the executioner, the story would be a 
 sad one to relate to young Master Francis upon 
 his return. " He must be lost /" concluded the good 
 woman significantly; "taken to the water-front 
 and lost r 
 
 Casey s mother and father were recorded in the 
 Kennel books, by number, name, and pedigree, as 
 the two best-bred fox-terriers in America, so there 
 must be some pride of birth lacking in runts, or 
 Casey would have shrunk instinctively when he 
 found himself in the company of two young men
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 219 
 
 who were engaged in concealing stolen scrap-iron 
 under a wharf, when disturbed by Casey s splash 
 ing in the cold water of the bay by their very side. 
 His indignation at the coachman for throwing 
 him into such unpleasant water may have had 
 something even much to do with his absence of 
 all haughtiness and restraint in the presence of 
 low companions. After being fished out of the 
 bay by one of the young men, and having his 
 mouth held close to prevent his yelping which 
 might have attracted police attention Casey at 
 once fraternized with his new friends in a manner 
 which showed, as before suggested, a total absence 
 of pride of birth. 
 
 Casey was too young to be guided by the great 
 moral truth that personal comfort yea, safety 
 gained by the sacrifice of any principle, especially 
 so sustaining a one as pride of birth, are but giddy 
 and unsure. Finding that his choice of con 
 ditions lay between remaining quiet and alive, or 
 yelping disapproval of his environment and get 
 ting drowned for it, Casey curled up on a coat, 
 wagged his tail, shivered, and held his peace. 
 Casey, it has been said, was young, and consid 
 ered the conditions entirely outside of their ethical 
 relations; his untaught mind accepted comfortable 
 existence, even at the sacrifice of principle, as pos-
 
 2 20 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 
 
 sessing advantages over non-existence under any 
 circumstances, if there be circumstances relating to 
 non-existence. 
 
 The task of concealing their plunder among the 
 sea-wall rocks, to which the thieves boat was 
 fastened, proceeded without interruption until one 
 of the thieves a pleasant-faced lad noticed 
 Casey shivering so that he seemed to be about to 
 shiver himself out of the world. The boy grabbed 
 up Casey, clambered along the rocks until he came 
 to one side of a pier running out from the wharf, 
 looked about cautiously, saw no officer, and then 
 carefully tossed the dog on to a bale of bags lying 
 in the sun on the pier. 
 
 " Let der purp dry in der sun; he ain t done no 
 harm," remarked the youth. 
 
 His kind action may have been prompted by the 
 pleasing reflection that in saving Casey s life he 
 was preventing what some one had considered the 
 performance of a duty. 
 
 The work beneath the wharf again proceeded in 
 silence, and Casey slept in comfort until he was 
 dry, and warm, and hungry. His hunger woke 
 him; but his first impulse to proclaim the fact 
 loudly was repressed by recollections of recent ex 
 perience. Suddenly, however, he did begin yelp 
 ing dismally, persistently so persistently that his
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 221 
 
 young friend glanced cautiously up over the edge 
 of the pier. What he saw made him snatch Casey 
 and disappear under the wharf, with a warning 
 whistle. The some one who had made Casey yelp 
 and his friends scurry away with their boat under 
 the darkness of the wharf came down the pier, 
 looked about, shook his head, and said: "Th 
 young divils! Ef th pup hadn t barked Oi d been 
 un to em." 
 
 It was a policeman, and because of his long, 
 blue coat and brass buttons Casey mistook him for 
 the coachman returning for an obvious and awful 
 purpose. 
 
 The young thieves were delighted with Casey ; 
 he had repaid their service to him in kind. He 
 was immediately named after the officer whose 
 approach he had signaled, and fed, and made to 
 understand that he deserved well. The aptitude 
 he displayed for the training he was given showed 
 he comprehended that his duty in life was to give 
 his companions prompt warning of any threatened 
 interruption, and to keep an especial lookout at all 
 times for men in brass buttons and long, blue 
 coats. Before he was a year old, Casey was 
 known along the water-front, from Black Point to 
 Mission Rock, as a more reliable lookout than any 
 boy, and, of course, possessed of the additional ad-
 
 222 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 
 
 vantage of not being counted in when the results 
 of a day s or night s work were being divided. 
 Yet Casey s was a hard life. He was not always 
 even fed, and seldom sheltered, by his associates. 
 Sometimes they disappeared for weeks at a time, 
 when Casey would steal his meals, beg them from 
 the wharf laborers at lunch time, or go hungry. 
 His recollections of a time when he always had 
 plenty to eat and a comfortable bed were growing 
 dim, and might have disappeared entirely had he 
 not been taken one day a long distance from the 
 water-front with one of his young companions and 
 a man he had frequently seen but never operated 
 with. Case} felt proud of his company; he knew 
 instinctively that his sphere of usefulness was 
 about to be enlarged, and grander opportunities 
 afforded him for the display of those talents for 
 which he was justly renowned. 
 
 After a deal of walking over hills, the trio 
 stopped near some large grounds enclosing a hand 
 some house and stable. The man first approached 
 and applied for work at the kitchen-door. He 
 took the servant s refusal coolly, and made leis 
 urely observations before he rejoined his confeder 
 ates. Then the boy, with Casey at his heels, went 
 to the kitchen-door and begged for something to 
 eat. He got it and made his observations, also.
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 223 
 
 Casey was curiously affected by what he saw. 
 He, too, appeared to be making observations, and 
 all the way back to the water-front was so pre 
 occupied in mind that he narrowly escaped being 
 run over half a dozen times, a carelessness which 
 earned him several hearty kicks from the man. 
 
 In view of Casey s career, it is probable that his 
 subsequent actions were as much prompted by a 
 desire to revenge those kicks and other slights and 
 insults as by any worthier motive. 
 
 Late that night the same trio walked to the big 
 house over the hills. 
 
 Before they started out the man and boy ate a 
 big supper and had plenty to drink, but Casey 
 went hungry. 
 
 It was so dark and foggy that Casey had some 
 trouble to recall the exact lay of the ground after 
 the boy had entered the house through a window 
 and the man through the kitchen-door, opened by 
 the boy. Casey was cold, sore from the kicking, 
 and hungry. He had been doing some hard think 
 ing, and when everything was quiet in the direc 
 tion of the house, he suddenly arrived at a 
 conclusion, which may be attributed, according 
 as you judge Casey, to a quickened conscience, or 
 a desire for food, shelter, and such tokens of regard 
 as are not expressed by hobnailed shoes. He stole
 
 224 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 
 
 softly around to the carriage-doors of the barn and 
 found a small entrance cut out of the bottom. 
 Then Casey knew he had not been dreaming that 
 afternoon, as he was half afraid might be the case. 
 He found his way easily enough now to the 
 coachman s room upstairs. When that amazed 
 man had responded to Casey s persistent tugging 
 at the bedclothes and made a light, he was a lit 
 tle frightened to identify his awakener as the runt 
 he supposed he had drowned: there was no mis 
 taking that curious marking over the eyes ! Casey 
 had little difficulty in urging the coachman to a 
 quiet inspection of the kitchen-door and window, 
 and then waited contentedly when the coachman 
 as quietly departed for help. When it came two 
 officers Casey signalled his companions inside the 
 house with a yelping which had a suggestion of a 
 joke in it; and when his companions ran plump 
 into the officers arms and were nicely handcuffed 
 together, the joke seemed to strike Casey with 
 fresh force, for his barking was unmistakably joy 
 ful, and it broke into a very hysteria of mirth 
 when the aroused housekeeper caught him in her 
 irms and exclaimed : " Lord love us ! it s Hollo !" 
 
 Casey s hard experience in fighting for life on 
 the water-front gives him an advantage in war 
 fare which he turns to sweet purposes. He not
 
 THE REHABILITATION OF CASEY. 225 
 
 only frequently thrashes his brothers and sisters 
 for the slightest lapses from conduct denoting a 
 proper pride of birth, but occasionally whips his 
 father and mother if he notices any inclination on 
 their part to neglect those marks of respect due to 
 his own unselfish and noble performance.
 
 ANDRE WAS FRESH. 
 
 AN INCIDENT IN THE CAKEEK OF MAKY HENNESSY.
 
 " 4 NDRE is too fresh." 
 
 This criticism was crisply made by Mary, 
 after several vain attempts to blow an arrow of 
 smoke through a ring which had preceded the 
 arrow from her pouting lips. 
 
 Every one in the party had been lazily absorbed 
 in the ring-and-arrow experiment ; not. that it was 
 new, but the occasion was that listless half-hour 
 after dinner when any careless diversion is wel 
 come. So no one replied to the remark about 
 Andre until John s failure to induce a raisin to 
 encrust itself with rubies in a glass of claret, as it 
 will with diamonds in a glass of champagne. 
 
 This afforded a chance for Frank ; and, in fact, 
 he appeared to be particularly interested in Mary s 
 remark. 
 
 " Andre is the best waiter in the Cafe d Or," he 
 said. 
 
 "Andre," repeated Mary, beckoning to John for 
 a fresh cigarette, "is too fresh." 
 
 As there was something incisive in her tone, 
 something which suggested a piquant reason for 
 the comment, the party showed a willingness to
 
 230 AND& WAS FRESff. 
 
 hear more, and did not notice a special eagerness 
 in the interest of Frank and Sarah. 
 
 Mary s stories always interested her set. She 
 made more frequent excursions into the outer 
 world than did her companions, and they heard 
 her experiences without envy and with profit. 
 Some of them wrote up her stories into sketches 
 and sold them ; some of them got ideas for illus 
 trations from the same lively source; but this 
 graceless stealing of her material displeased her 
 not at all ^he ate, and drank, and smoked the 
 proceeds of the stories and pictures, and remained 
 the pet of the party. 
 
 Mary is but I cannot describe her. You, dear 
 reader, have not a dictionary of the newspaper- 
 shop and studio slang in which alone I have heard 
 her praises sung, and the language would convey 
 but meagre meaning to your unused ear. It is 
 enough to say, for this short acquaintance, that 
 
 " She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals, 
 And doesn t read Tupper a bit. " 
 
 She dresses herself to pose for her friends, the 
 artists ; she reads what the scribbling friends write 
 and thinks it monstrous clever. 
 
 After the north light has faded from the studios, 
 and before the electric-light draws its reluctant
 
 ANDRE WAS FRESH. 231 
 
 moths into the newspaper shops, she and her set 
 dine in a droll little restaurant with sawdust 
 floors, strangely mixed company and a cook who 
 shall have an obituary which will make the angels 
 turn green with envy, if I outlive him and his 
 sauces ! 
 
 Mary took her cigarette, and as she plucked the 
 redundant weed from one end, Frank said : 
 
 " Well, what s Andre been doing?" 
 
 "As you know, children, I did not dine with 
 you last night. I 
 
 " You dined with that unsufferable Mortan !" 
 suddenly interrupted John ; " I might have known 
 he was not hanging around my studio for art alone 
 when you were posing for 
 
 " Posing for art alone, Johnnie, as you have not 
 paid me last week s wages, which you could have 
 done, as Mortan, on my sweet account, paid you 
 your own price for that Tamalpais sketch." 
 
 "Johnnie, dear," lisped Sarah, "if you wilj 
 kindly keep still until some one asks you to speak, 
 we shall have er ah eh?" 
 
 Sarah did not finish her sentence she seldom 
 does; but as John kept still, Mary began once 
 more: 
 
 " Andre is too fresh. If it were not so, the 
 young but not insufferable Mr. Mortan would still
 
 232 ANDRE WAS FRESH. 
 
 cherish in me his ideal of a sweet young thing, 
 willing, under tremendous pressure, to witness, in 
 timid and awe-struck amaze, his terrific plunges 
 into the mad, wicked world ; would still regard me 
 as a modest, wayside violet, trembling in the glar 
 ing flood of light which his, er, bold and naughty, 
 er what s the matter, Sarah, love?" 
 
 Sarah was giggling, and Frank, who had looked 
 at his watch several times, said : 
 
 " Just boil the story, Mary, sweetheart. I must 
 slide to the shop, soon ; and while I dote on you 
 when you talk grand, you never arrive. Now, 
 Mortan is a sweet, inexperienced boy, recently 
 afflicted with a million. He met you in John s 
 studio and was moved with the commendable im 
 pulse to give you a new experience. Go on from 
 there." 
 
 "When I am worth two hundred millions," re 
 sumed Mary, icily, "I shall buy you, Frankie, 
 and present you with your leisure, so that conver 
 sation may be possible in your company. Well, 
 we Master Mortan and I went to the Cafe d Or 
 for dinner. I feel sure I looked charmingly 
 frightened as Andre ushered us into a cabinet 
 particulier. But Andre started in to pi things 
 at the very start. Mortan held a chair for my 
 fluttering form on the mirror side of the table;
 
 ANDRE WAS FRESH. 233 
 
 Andre pulled out the opposite chair, with the 
 cheerful remark, Mademoiselle prefers this side. 
 
 " Mortan looked a trifle queer, but proceeded to 
 order dinner in a kindergarten manner, which 
 caused Andre to favor me with a long, solemn 
 wink. I looked back with my well-known haughty 
 stare the one I practised for Johnnie s picture, 
 Rejected but it ended dismally, for just then 
 Mortan ordered a sweet wine. Andre nearly 
 fainted, but did not, I grieve to say. Instead, he 
 murmured: And for mademoiselle? Shall I 
 frappe a bottle of some dry brand? She can not 
 drink sweet. I dropped my haughty look and 
 tried a beseeching one, but Andre appeared to be 
 too indignant with Mortan to notice me I was 
 not in it. Neither my feelings nor the general 
 tone of the situation were improved by Andre s 
 next effort. I had, with great difficulty, been 
 prevailed upon to try just one cocktail before the 
 dinner began merely to learn what they were 
 like, urged my blase vis-a-vis and when the 
 order was given, Andre asked Morton if he would 
 have a dash of absinthe in his, also. Morton ap 
 peared to notice the fact that I had said nothing 
 about a dash of absinthe in mine, and Andre s 
 also made Mortan think or try to." 
 
 "Mary!" broke in Sarah, in assumed terror,
 
 234 ANDRti WAS FRESH. 
 
 " did Andre tell Morton that you never eat pota 
 toes or sugar, because they make you fat, and did 
 he " 
 
 " Andre was so thoughtful as to give both those 
 warnings, Sarah; but how did you guess? He 
 also requested Mortau to add a little red pepper 
 and lime to the seasoning of my fillet; he asked 
 me if I would have a double proportion of oil in 
 my plain salad-dressing, as usual, and made 
 things agreeable for me in my ingenue role in so 
 many cheerful ways that his faux pas seemed 
 almost inspired. Poor dear Mr. Mortan was quite 
 bewildered ; and when I final!} consented to smoke 
 just one cigarette, gave me his jewelled case with 
 some evident doubt whether I would not offer him 
 one instead." 
 
 "And did you, sweetheart?" asked John. 
 
 " No ; but Andre, when he passed the case, saw 
 that it contained Cairos, and promptly gave me a 
 package of Virginias, gallantly explaining, at the 
 time, that they were my choice. Even that might 
 have not entirely penetrated Mortan s sweet little 
 head, but the last act queered me. When my lux 
 urious host rang for a carriage to send me home 
 in, he started in to give Andre my address. Then 
 that most extraordinary waiter bowed suavely and 
 said: N importe. The driver will know
 
 ANDR& WAS FRESH. 235 
 
 Sarah, what are you laughing at? The story is 
 tragic!" 
 
 "I know, dear; but Andre did so well! Frank 
 and I were in the next cabinet and coached Andre 
 between the courses."
 
 "ME SIDE PARDNER." 
 
 A STORY OF A SOUGHT-FOR SCOOP.
 
 MR. DUNNIGAN was smilingly receiving the 
 congratulations of the other newspaper men 
 who gathered around Mormaii s supper-table. He 
 had given his paper a sensational scoop that morn 
 ing, and every man who congratulated him im 
 mediately asked : 
 
 " But how did you get on, Dunni?" 
 
 " I got on to the story by accident, and that s 
 how nearly every scoop is brought in," answered 
 Dunnigan, modestly. 
 
 " If a story cornes through the regular channels, 
 there s no chance for a scoop, and the newspaper 
 men who go about looking for chance stories exist 
 only in novels written by men who don t know a 
 detail-book from a scare-head barring Tommy 
 Paget, here. But Tommy is not a newspaper man 
 he s a journalist." 
 
 " More power to him !" exclaimed Mr. Lynn ; 
 "don t moind him, Tommy. Shure, Dunni is 
 jealous of ye. It s the young gintlemen loike you 
 who are elevating the profeshion, and the old 
 hacks loike Dunni and me must give way before 
 
 the hew regime, of which you are at once the 
 239
 
 240 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 
 
 ornament and pride. A glass of beer wid you, 
 Tommy." 
 
 Tommy, who by this time was flushing slightly, 
 turned to Patterson, and said with lofty scorn : 
 
 " It s your turn, Patsy, to score me ; jump 
 in." 
 
 "I d strike bottom too quick," responded Patsy. 
 
 "Any one else want to contribute?" asked 
 Tommy, with severe politeness ; " if not, I ll just 
 remark that while I am humbly sensible of my 
 sad deficiencies as a journalist, which, by the 
 way, did not prevent my earning more on space 
 last week that Mr. Dunnigan ever got as a salary, 
 I am still unwilling to admit that because I keep 
 broke by retaining a membership in a decent club 
 instead of by playing poker, like Dunni, or be 
 cause I still hold on to some decent social connec 
 tions, instead of totally outcasting myself, as all of 
 you have, I am unwilling, I say, to admit that I 
 may not aspire to the dizzy professional heights 
 capped by that group of graces, Lynn, Dunnigan, 
 and Patsy." 
 
 Tommy grew redder still at the roar of laughter 
 which greeted his fine speech, and glared haughtily 
 at Lynn, who exclaimed : 
 
 " Get out of th ring, you Dunni, and you Patsy ! 
 David has come again, and I m his prophet,
 
 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 241 
 
 backer, and bottle-holder. Bring on your heavy 
 weights. Otto, a schooner for Mr. Paget !" 
 
 Tommy continued to glare at his grinning friends 
 for a time, but soon joined the grin, for, though 
 bristling with pugnacity, there was no one in 
 the party more alive than Mr. Paget to the futility 
 of solitary grandeur in a company of average 
 mortals. 
 
 "I was about to remark," he said, with recov 
 ered good-nature, "before you all brayed at me, 
 that Dunni may be right in saying that most 
 scoops are accidental; but sometimes they are 
 looked for. You remember my scoop in the Mel 
 bourne Rest robbery?" 
 
 There was no immediate response. It is prob 
 able that every one at the table did recall; but, 
 then, most of us are sluggish in remembering 
 other men s scoops. 
 
 " Well, I did get that scoop, and I did get it be 
 cause I looked for it. It was about a year ago. I 
 had been doing the introduction to a Patti first- 
 night, and was in evening-dress; so when I turned 
 in my copy, as it was raining, I rang for a coop. 
 When I told the driver to take me up here, he told 
 me there was to be a quiet chicken-fight in the 
 Melbourne Rest." 
 
 "Oh, Tommy, break away," interrupted Dunni;
 
 242 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 
 
 " you got that scoop through the accident of ring 
 ing for a coop, the driver of which happened to 
 be on." 
 
 "That s so," admitted Tommy, somewhat crest 
 fallen; " I was put on by an accident." 
 
 "They won t let you tell your story, Tommy, 
 but I ll prove your proposition that all scoops are 
 not accidental," said Mr. Patterson. "Years ago, 
 I lay in bed one morning, reading what I had 
 written the night before, as you all do every morn 
 ing of your lives, gentlemen. After damning the 
 proofreading, as you all do, and admiring my 
 stuff, which still shone despite the efforts of a 
 stupid editor to take the shine out as you all ad 
 mire yours I bethought me of the varied uses I 
 could make of the additional stipend resulting from 
 a scoop. I said, My dear Patterson, pursue the 
 day s doings of the first person whose identity is 
 jogged into your life this day, if his or her life is 
 open to inspection, and you will get a story. 
 
 "That afternoon I met, on a street-crossing, a 
 man I had to interview, and we stood where we 
 met until I was suddenly nearly knocked, or 
 pushed, down. When I recovered my usual digni 
 fied bearing, I found that I had been pushed from 
 in front of a runaway team by a very bright, ex 
 ceedingly self-possessed, and soiled young person,
 
 "ME S1DE-PARDNER." 243 
 
 who drawled out between puffs of a cigarette, 
 Yer chump, did yer want ter get killeded? 
 
 " I discovered that my polite and efficient friend 
 was a newsboy I had sometimes staked I quote 
 his vernacular at early hours in the mornings, 
 when he confided to me that his game of crusoe 
 had resulted in breaking him. 
 
 "I knew him only as Pete, and knew him so 
 well that I anticipated his next remark : I m dead 
 broke, Mr. Patterson, an ain t got no stake fer de 
 evenin poipers. 
 
 " I staked Pete, and took him to a clothier s, 
 w r here I had credit, and furnished him with a suit 
 of clothes which he called a harness when it 
 occurred to me that he was the person I should 
 pursue for my story. 
 
 " He thanked me profusely for the gift, and de 
 clared that he wanted to run home and show de 
 harness to me mudder an f adder. 
 
 " I followed, unobserved, and discovered that it 
 was to another relative Pete wanted to display his 
 fine feathers, for, in half an hour, he emerged from 
 a pawnshop dressed in his old suit of rags, and 
 with four dollars of his uncle s coin in his pocket. 
 
 " I felt fairly rewarded for my pursuit, and con 
 vinced that I was on the track of a story, if not a 
 scoop.
 
 244 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 
 
 " Pete made a bee-line for an alley back of an 
 evening newspaper office, where I observed him 
 lose my stake and his uncle s loan in the varying 
 fortunes of crusoe, played with undaunted cour 
 age but poor luck. I concluded, in the wisdom of 
 experience, that I could then afford to relax my 
 watch, that, if left alone, Pete would soon hunt 
 me up. 
 
 "On my way down to the editorial rooms, after 
 dinner, Pete waylaid me. Me f adder broke his 
 leg in de foundry, he began, " an me mudder sent 
 fer de doctor, who said me f adder s leg could rot 
 before he d touch it, less he had five plunks down 
 in advance, de snoozer! So I ups an shoves de 
 harness wid me uncle, an , wid wot yer staked 
 me, I raised de five, see? An so I m broke, bein 
 a good boy, an lovin me mudder. 
 
 "Thereupon, Peter wept plentifully, being ex 
 cited with his efforts of the imagination and lack 
 of dinner. 
 
 "Then I took my potential scoop to a coffee 
 house a bun-joint, in his slang and fed him. 
 In the honesty begotten of a full stomach and con 
 tented mind, Pete confided to me that he had no 
 fadder, nor mudder, nor brudder, nor nothin , but 
 lived in the place of his side-pardner. 
 
 " Pete s side-partner, he explained, was Glasgow
 
 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 245 
 
 Jack, the keeper of a slogging-den a kind of place, 
 Tommy, which flourished in this community before 
 the promotion of slogging was made the vocation 
 of the male two hundred. 
 
 " Glasgow Jack s, being an all-night place, was 
 frequented in the early hours of the morning by 
 men, who, having the drear prospect of another 
 day close at hand, sought to ameliorate their con 
 ditions by that forgetfulness which comes from an 
 early glance at a morning paper. 
 
 " Pete, in exchange for the privilege of sleeping 
 on the mattress used for wrestling-matches, brought 
 the earliest papers to Glasgow Jack s, thereby 
 holding Jack s customers, to the profit of the bar. 
 It seemed a fair bargain, as Pete explained it, but 
 the chances for a scoop were not improving. 
 
 " To make sure of my game, I agreed with Pete 
 to stake him in the pressroom as soon as the paper 
 was off, and we parted. 
 
 " That night I went down to the pressroom, on 
 the elevator, with the last plate, and there was 
 Pete, fighting, with science and success, to main 
 tain his place at the head of the line of waiting 
 newsboys, all anxious to get bundles for the all- 
 night places, where two-bits is often picked up for 
 an early paper. 
 
 " It was too dark to follow Pete, so I told him I
 
 246 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 
 
 had a notion to meet his side-pardner, and hurried 
 along with him to Glasgow Jack s. 
 
 " It was the usual place you remember the type, 
 Dunni? A basement, a square ring in one end; 
 some dumb-bells and Indian clubs scattered about, 
 a pool-table, with leaden cushions, a half-dozen 
 beery card -tables, a bar, and a patronage of pugs, 
 low rounders, and dreary young men who fancied 
 they were seeing life by poisoning it. 
 
 " Pete s advent woke up the place. My very 
 considerable knowledge of what the paper con 
 tained I had watched the make-up had given 
 me no impression that all our news pertained to 
 fights and fighters, racers and racing, murders and 
 murderers. The crowd there, however, found 
 nothing else in the paper, and was soon expressing 
 its interest in those phases of life by animated dis 
 cussions of them over the most unthinkable whis 
 key. I took a glass of it with Glasgow Jack, who 
 treated me with that considerate shall I say 
 fraternal? kindness our profession ever receives 
 from his. 
 
 "Jack laughed when I asked him about Pete. 
 I m kinder stuck on der kid, said Jack; dere s 
 no flies on im, an I m goin to do der right thing 
 by him. I was thinkin it would be der proper 
 game ter give der kid some schoolin . He kinder
 
 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 247 
 
 takes to literary ways selling papers, and that. 
 I m doin pretty well, an ain t got nobody wid a 
 string on me sack, so I was thinkin mebbe I could 
 send der kid to one of dem schools in der country, 
 where he d get away from dis gang and brace up 
 a little, and be a lawyer, or somethin . He s 
 kinder got ter me, yer see, and I m sorter soft on 
 der kid. 
 
 " I knew Glasgow Jack to be the toughest char 
 acter in the city; but just the way all the villany 
 went out of his wicked eyes when he spoke of Pete 
 has secured him a graceful epitaph if I have the 
 pleasure of knowing of his death. 
 
 " There must have been some very exciting sport 
 ing news that night, for the crowd became noisy 
 and drunk in discussing it. 
 
 "It was such a nasty outfit that I should have 
 left before Pete returned, but I had resolved to see 
 him through one day. When he did return, his 
 papers all sold, Jack motioned him to come over 
 to us, but a couple of men at an adjoining table 
 stopped the boy, and one of them offered him a 
 drink of whiskey. Jack called out: Let go, now ! 
 You know I don t want Pete offered any drink. 
 
 " The man laughed in an ugly way, and replied : 
 You are getting too pious, Jack. If the kid s 
 yours, why don t you say so. If he ain t, don t be
 
 248 "ME SIDE-PARDNER." 
 
 so funny about him. The man, by a quick grip, 
 opened Pete s mouth and threw some whiskey 
 in it. 
 
 "Jack sprang at him and hit him before he 
 could rise. The man s pistol was whipped out, 
 and he pulled with a dead drop on Jack but just 
 as he pulled Pete jumped in between them and 
 took the ball in his head. 
 
 " Every one was silent and motionless for several 
 seconds, as Jack caught poor little Pete and laid 
 him down, with a woman s gentleness, on the saw 
 dust floor. 
 
 " Suddenly, with lightning swiftness, Jack pulled 
 and shot. The man fell backwards. Jack stood 
 over the body, and, with horrible calmness, emptied 
 the revolver into the man s face. 
 
 "I was kneeling by Pete s side when his eyes 
 opened. He whispered something, and I put my 
 ear to his lips. When you write it up, he mur 
 mured, be sure an say me side-pardner never 
 pulled his gun till after de odder feller had de drop 
 on im! "
 
 AT THE OLIVEDO.
 
 4 LTHOUGH I was never formally introduced 
 to Jimmy, I became very well acquainted with 
 him during our first meeting. He was astride his 
 horse at the time, and when he suddenly drew up in 
 front of me, and regarded with serious attention a 
 rifle I was cleaning, I took advantage of what ap 
 peared to be an auspicious opportunity to increase 
 my list of acquaintances, and asked him if he had 
 ridden far that day. Jimmy cocked his head in 
 calculating silence, stroked his horse s neck kindly, 
 and then, regarding my rifle again attentively, 
 answered : 
 
 "Yes, I rode to San Francisco this morning 
 and." (a slight gasp) "back again." 
 
 I looked at Jimmy in amazement, for the ride he 
 had taken was much more of a feat for him than 
 for his horse. We were in the Los Gatos hills 
 at the time, and his horse was a crooked man- 
 zanita stick about three feet long. I suddenly 
 concluded that my acquaintance-list had indeed 
 been enriched, and, forcing all amazement from 
 my voice, remarked seriously that he had taken a 
 
 pretty long ride for one day. Jimmy furtively ex- 
 251
 
 252 AT THE OLIVEDO. 
 
 amined my face, and, finding there no signs of 
 doubt, added, with the unction of one who, having 
 made a hit, hastens to profit by it : 
 
 "Oh, yes, pretty long; but I ve been to San 
 Jose and Back since then." 
 
 Jimmy being satisfied that I was a safe target, 
 did not even swallow hard when he fired this last 
 shot. He was about four years old, had half- 
 curling blond hair, big gray eyes, and the sensi 
 tive mouth and tremulous under-lip belonging to 
 the inspired romancists. Although he told me he 
 had lived thirty-seven years in the house over the 
 way I had just seen him come from, I knew his 
 people were city bred from his own manner of 
 speech and the stj^lish jersey and knickerbockers 
 in which he was dressed. I was mentally mapping 
 out a career for Jimmy when my mental conflict 
 as to whether he should be a sensational preacher 
 or a social reformer was interrupted by his asking : 
 
 "What s that?" 
 
 "It s a gun." 
 
 "What kind of a gun?" 
 
 "A rifle." 
 
 " What s a rifle?" 
 
 "A gun to shoot bullets with,* I responded, 
 sowing simply that I might reap speedily. 
 
 Jimmy caught on.
 
 AT THE OLIVEDO. 253 
 
 "So s mine a rifle," he said, and I knew I 
 should reap at once. 
 
 "Do you kill much with it? " I asked. Some 
 may blame me for thus leading Jimmy on, but I 
 hold that he does wrong who fails to encourage 
 genius, wherever discovered. 
 
 Jimmy was prepared. " Oh, yes," he responded 
 not too briskly ; " I killed thirteen quail the other 
 day." 
 
 "With one bullet?" I asked, carelessly. 
 
 Jimmy s eyes thanked me for the suggestion, 
 but his tender poet-mouth was grave, as he re 
 plied : 
 
 " Yes ; thirteen with one bullet : seventeen hens 
 and four roosters." 
 
 Jimmy must have seen my tremble of delight, 
 for he asked, anxiously : 
 
 " How many does seventeen and four count?" 
 
 "Thirteen." 
 
 "That s what I said before, wasn t it thirteen?" 
 he added, the anxiety dying out of his face. 
 
 "Yes; thirteen." 
 
 " What s that?" Jimmy next asked, pointing to 
 the rifle trigger with one brown, chubby hand, 
 while the other switched some wild flowers with 
 his horse. 
 
 I was explaining the use of the trigger, when
 
 54 AT THE OLIVEDO. 
 
 there drove up a gentleman and lady, whose ac 
 quaintance I had made the day before in the 
 canon where we were all fern-gathering. They 
 proved to be Jimmy s parents. I knew of them 
 only that they were Eastern people, who had lived 
 in the neighborhood a year; the husband health- 
 seeking, and happy because he had found it, and 
 the wife very much bored possibly for the same 
 reason. They were in a two-seated wagon, and 
 in quest of Jimnvy. They were going to drive 
 down the canon, to the Griswold ranch, to see the 
 result of an olive-oil experiment, and wouldn t 
 I like to drive down and see the young olivedof 
 
 I would, and I did. Wo walked through the 
 brown-leaved grove, listened attentively to Gris- 
 wold s explanation of the uses of horsehair and 
 silk filterers, and of the possible advantages of 
 druggist s paper and bone charcoal in the clarify 
 ing process. 
 
 I observed Jimmy, in the oil refinery, take up a 
 half-filled bottle Griswold had shown, and which 
 we had tasted. When his parents backs were 
 fairly turned, Jimmy placed the bottle to his lips, 
 and took a quick, deep draught. I saw then that, 
 despite his tremulous lips, he was of the material 
 which forms martyrs. The great swallow of oil 
 itself, aside from the surprise at not finding it
 
 AT THE OL1VEDO. 255 
 
 Sauterne, was enough to force a tell-tale commo 
 tion from an older person than James. Yet that 
 youth gulped the dose, laid down the bottle with 
 only a reproachful glance, recovered himself with 
 a shiver, glided up to his mamma, and asked, in 
 a stage-whisper, audible to all: 
 
 " Do you think, mamma, Mr. Giswold will give 
 us some wine before we go?" 
 
 The mother s embarrassed "Hush, child!" was 
 followed by Mr. Griswold s: "Jimmy barely an 
 ticipated me." 
 
 We accepted his invitation, and some excellent 
 Sauterne was in fact served in the orchardist s 
 cottage. 
 
 "Only a quarter of a glass for him, please," 
 said the mother, when wine was being poured in 
 Ji mire s glass. 
 
 A generous host s quarter is a half, and Jimmy 
 got fully that and drank it slowly, after the man 
 ner he observed in his mother, toward whom he 
 maintained a deportment of patronizing respect. 
 
 " I will show you the rugs Mrs. Griswold sent 
 down from the city, if you like," Mr. Griswold 
 said to Jimmy s mamma. And she did like it 
 was the first idea she had liked so far as my ob 
 servations went. She followed Mr. Griswold, 
 and her husband went with her. 1 was about to
 
 256 AT THE OLIVEDO. 
 
 go also when my eye caught Jimmy s, which was 
 in the process of bestowing upon me such a com 
 prehensive wink that I. could do no less than repay 
 his confidences by remaining. 
 
 That seasoned child then poured himself a full 
 glass, and it passed behind his sweet young lips 
 with a steady rapidity that went well with the ac- 
 compan}*ing look he gave me over the rim of the 
 glass. 
 
 "I m afraid you are a hard drinker, Jimmy," 
 I remarked. 
 
 His large gray eyes were beginning to crowd 
 out in a way suggesting a determination to see 
 more of the world than was possible under normal 
 conditions a freak I have noticed in older eyes 
 similarly affected. 
 
 Jimmy ignored my remark and asked : 
 
 "Did you ever kill a lion?" 
 
 I admitted I had not. 
 
 " There was one nine feet high up the canon last 
 week," he added. 
 
 "Did you kill it?" 
 
 " Yes; I just took and shot it in the 
 
 Jimmy observed a smile on my lips, and in 
 stantly drew in his eyes to regard me more closely, 
 then added, without a falter : 
 
 "Mr. Griswold, he shot it in the leg, and I
 
 AT THE OLIVEDO. 257 
 
 trained it and chased wild cattle with it all night 
 once, but it got tired and I left it in the moun 
 tains. " 
 
 The young man observed that I was soberly re 
 ceptive, and then added : 
 
 "I had to walk home, or I wouldn t have 
 cared." 
 
 Just then my little romancist s mamma re 
 turned, carrying a rug which she showed Mr. 
 Griswold would be most effective hung on the 
 wall; and daring the inspection of effects, Jimmy 
 silently, carefully withdrew, sturdily overcoming 
 a disposition on the part of his legs to collapse. 
 
 A quarter of an hour later we started for our 
 wagon, and Jimmy not being in sight, I offered to 
 hunt him up, hoping to save his parents a surprise. 
 I found him just back of the bar astride a fence. 
 "Astride," did I say? He was attached to the 
 fence ; was a part of it as though he had grown 
 there. His beautiful full lips had tightened a 
 trifle, and were a little pale as he opened them, 
 upon seeing me, to ask : 
 
 "Did you ever see a singing scarecrow?" 
 
 I felt certain that Jimmy would not know what 
 opera troupe I referred to if I answered "yes," 
 and so I told him I had not. 
 
 "They re bully!" James continued. "I ve got
 
 258 AT THE OL1VEDO. 
 
 one in my ten acres of barley, and they scare the 
 gophers more n a gun." 
 
 I told Jimmy we were going back, but he did 
 not move. " Come on, Jimmy!" 
 
 The boy regarded me in silence a moment, and 
 said, reproachfully: 
 
 " I can t get down." 
 
 I thought the best plan would be to straddle him 
 on my shoulders and run to the wagon, as if we 
 were skylarking, and plant him on the back seat 
 with me before his condition could be noticed. 
 
 The skylarking appearance I felt to be all on my 
 side, for Jimmy sat on my shoulders with the sol 
 emn air of a justice on the bench, or a Knight 
 Templar on parade; but when I had him in the 
 wagon by my side he grasped one of my hands in 
 both of his, and gave me one quick glance which 
 showed his appreciation of my little strategy. 
 He continued to hold my hand more perhaps as a 
 guarantee of his steadiness than as a continued 
 expression of thanks. 
 
 Driving home, Jimmy interrupted a long silence 
 on his part by whispering huskily, yet seriously : 
 
 " I once killed a snake, and he had a million 
 rattles." 
 
 " What did you do with them?" I whispered 
 back.
 
 AT THE OL1VEDO. 259 
 
 He was quiet so long after my question that I 
 might have thought he slept, but for the look of 
 anxious thought in his eyes. At last, without 
 looking up, he said, slowly : 
 
 "Sold em for beans," and again lapsed into 
 grave contemplation of his mother s back hair, in 
 which condition he remained until we reached my 
 domicile. There I said, still having the young 
 man s, as well as his parent s, peace of mind in 
 view : 
 
 "I want to show Jimmy my fishing-tackle," 
 and hurriedly repeated the skylarking trick, rush 
 ing him into my room, while his people drove on, 
 with admonition not to let Jimmy bother me. 
 
 I laid the youth on my bed, where he slept 
 soundly, w r hile I finished cleaning my rifle and. 
 read novels on the balcony outside. 
 
 Two hours later James emerged from my room, 
 and walked toward me as one oppressed with a 
 great grief. 
 
 "What s the matter, Jim?" I asked, as his 
 little hands tenderly, wonderingly felt his head. 
 
 "Bumped my head on the gate this morning. 
 Got any water?" 
 
 "Where does it hurt?" I inquired. 
 
 "All over bumped it all over. Ever bump 
 yours?"
 
 BEHIND THE PORTIERES.
 
 A T Pierre s they were talking about Johnny s 
 party. He was not to give the party in the 
 sense of inviting the guests. Col. Bob Billings had 
 made up a studio party, secured a chaperon for the 
 buds, and Johnny John Ascott was of course de 
 lighted to offer his studio and his services for the 
 occasion. 
 
 "What do they do, anyway?" inquired the 
 model, Miss Hennessy. "They don t smoke nor 
 drink; they have no shop to talk. What do 
 they do?" 
 
 " No shop to talk !" exclaimed Tommy Paget, 
 who was looked upon as an authority in matters 
 pertaining to the upper world, having an aunt 
 residing therein. " They talk shop more than we 
 do their shop. Mrs. Jack Daring, the chaperon 
 Col. Billings has been lucky enough to secure, is 
 the most interesting and original woman in town. 
 I ve met her at my aunt s. She can just knock 
 you over with her bel air or be as jolly and simple 
 as as well, as one of the girls here. You know 
 they say that she sometimes joins her husband s 
 
 stag dinners for black coffee, and takes a cigarette 
 
 263
 
 264 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 
 
 with the men. You never can tell how much 
 truth there is in such stories. But although she 
 has the reputation of being eccentric in that way, 
 she is the one woman in town careful mothers 
 prefer to have chaperon their daughters. She 
 knows what the buds must avoid to escape 
 being wilted, I suppose." 
 
 " I should like to hear a real swell woman talk, " 
 Mary said, meditatively, holding out her glass for 
 more claret. " I ve seen them at the theatres, 
 don t you know, and always wondered what they 
 were talking about they are always so beautifully 
 groomed." 
 
 " Just in what way do you fancy their grooming 
 affects their conversation?" inquired Tommy 
 Paget. 
 
 "Don t be funny, Tommy. I spoke of their 
 groomed appearance because it is the most attrac 
 tive thing about a swell to the eye of the artist." 
 
 "Will the eye of the artist kindly cast itself 
 over Sarah, here, and state wherein she, for in 
 stance, lacks grooming?" 
 
 Mary did look over at Sarah thoughtfully a mo 
 ment, and then said : " Sarah is the sweetest thing 
 alive, and with her slightly surprised eyes looking 
 at me through the cloud of smoke escaping from 
 her warm and generous mouth, I am smitten with
 
 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 265 
 
 her dearly; but Sarah is is ah! is coming 
 around here to assault me." 
 
 Mary and Sarah whispered together, and then 
 Mary said. : 
 
 "Johnny, why can t Sarah and I make a sneak 
 into the drossing-rooin to-morrow before the party 
 get there? We can peep through the portieres 
 and not be seen." 
 
 "Yes, and hear what they say," added Sarah, 
 who had an ambition to write a society novel, and 
 saw a chance to get the only material she thought 
 she lacked. 
 
 " You ll do some blooming thing to cause a dis 
 covery," objected Ascott, who was specially anx 
 ious for the success and propriety of his party, 
 some of his artist friends having secured buyers 
 through parties at their studios. 
 
 But one man s objections cannot stand before two 
 pretty women s insistence, and it was arranged as 
 Mary suggested. 
 
 The girls were in the studio early the next after 
 noon. "And it s well we re here!" exclaimed 
 Mary, casting a look of horror about the room. 
 
 " A paper bag of lemons, another of sugar, a 
 black bottle of gin, and a siphon of soda are good 
 enough accessories for our gang, Johnny; but 
 they must not be in sight when the swells arrive."
 
 2GG BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 
 
 The gin-fizz outfit, as well as several unorna- 
 mental pipes, glasses, spoons, decks of cards and 
 poker-chips, were hidden in the dressing-room. 
 The banjos, guitars, copper kettles, vases, bits 
 of fabrics, casts, weapons, rugs, furs, and other 
 ornamental accessories were arranged in attrac 
 tive carelessness; the pictures that it was hoped 
 might find buyers were placed in the best light, 
 and Johnny admitted that the shop looked better 
 as a result of the girls " fussing." 
 
 " Now, sneak !" said the artist, when the guests 
 were heard at the foot of the stairs. 
 
 The girls ran into the dressing-room, an alcove 
 separated from the main room of the studio by a 
 portiere extending only up to the spring of the 
 arch. They were seated on a trunk awaiting a 
 safe moment to look out, and making their en 
 forced silence endurable with cigarettes, when an 
 arm was thrust through the portiere parting. A 
 fist shook at them violent!} , then waved frantically 
 toward the arch. Sarah saw first. Their smoke 
 was lazily winding in gray banners over the por 
 tiere pole out into the studio. After a few mo 
 ments frightened silence, Mary placed her mouth 
 close to Sarah s ear and whispered. 
 
 "Fizz?" 
 
 Sarah nodded.
 
 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 267 
 
 Mary began operations on a lemon with a dull 
 palette-knife and it slipped with a jingle, the 
 glasses clinked, the siphon hissed uncommonly, 
 and the sugar-spoon dropped to the floor with a 
 rattle. 
 
 Then Ascott s voice was heard, louder than 
 usual, with a note of hysteria in it : 
 
 " Pardon me one moment, Mrs. Daring. I will 
 step into my dressing-room; there is a little 
 sketch there I should like to have your opinion of. 
 Just a moment." 
 
 Johnny appeared before the girls, wrapping the 
 portieres about him as he passed through them, 
 so as to leave no opening for observation. He 
 tore his hair, rolled his eyes, and showed every 
 sign of approaching frenzy as he whispered: 
 
 " The chaperon suspects. Please don t make 
 such noises! If she discovers you, I am ruined!" 
 
 The girls looked humbly apologetic, crossed their 
 hearts, and Johnny withdrew with a sketch he 
 picked up. 
 
 Soon the conversation became livelier; groups 
 walked from picture to picture, lounged about 
 the little ante -room where the lunch Col. Billings 
 had ordered was served, and talked art as it is 
 known to the amateur. Mrs. Daring, the chaper 
 on, a splendid Junoesque woman, with beautiful,
 
 268 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 
 
 frank eyes and almost girlish mouth, called to 
 Ascott : 
 
 " It is a bore to have your shop talked to you, but 
 I want to ask you to have that Portia you call it 
 Portia, do you not? sent to the framer s for me. 
 You have Mr. Daring s office address; kindly let 
 him know the price." 
 
 " You are very kind, Mrs. Daring, to care for it." 
 
 She was gradually drawing the artist toward 
 the portieres, and did not pause until her dress 
 touched it. 
 
 "I like the face exceedingly" she said. Then, 
 suddenly, " You are to be congratulated on your 
 model." 
 
 "Have you seen her?" gasped Johnny. 
 
 "Seen her! Her face is on twenty canvases in 
 this room. If she were on the stage, her face 
 would be her fortune. Could she act? Is she 
 clever?" 
 
 "She is extremely stupid," Johnny said in a 
 slow, distinct voice. 
 
 He thought he discovered a smile come and go 
 quickly over Mrs. Daring s face. 
 
 " She does not look it," she remarked. " I should 
 really like to see her. One reads such piquant 
 stories about studio models. If I could only see 
 her and not have it known !"
 
 "YOU ARK REALLY A VERY HANDSOME GIRL, AS I SUPPOSED. "-Page 269.
 
 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 269 
 
 Johnny was in a cold tremble. Mrs. Baring 
 was looking at him with such knowing eyes. 
 
 " I dare say," she continued, "she would like to 
 see me as much as I should her. " 
 
 Johnny almost fainted. " Of course, we would 
 not speak if it would be indiscreet to do so," the 
 chaperon added. 
 
 " Well, then," gasped Johnny, who saw that 
 Mrs. Daring had grasped the situation. "Now! 
 While all the people are over by the lunch!" 
 
 With a quick movement, the chaperon was ab 
 sorbed within the fulness of the portieres. Sarah 
 was hiding her face out of a window, but the 
 model, extremely flushed and defiant, faced the 
 chaperon. The latter regarded Mary through 
 her lorgnette calmly but good-naturedly. 
 
 "You are really a very handsome girl, as I sup 
 posed," she said in a low voice. 
 
 Mary started. 
 
 "Oh, they won t hear now; they are making 
 such a noise over the lunch. I was convinced 
 you were here when Mr. Ascott looked so miser 
 able at the cigarette smoke, and started so at 
 the little sound of a spoon and glasses. I m 
 rather clever about finding out such things. By 
 the way, you did have some glasses, did you 
 not?"
 
 270 BEHIND THE PORTIERES. 
 
 Mai 1 } 7 , now quite as self-possessed as Mrs. Jack 
 Daring, turned toward the siphon. 
 
 "Oh, yes," said Mrs. Daring, following Mary s 
 glance. "Can you a mix them?" 
 
 Mary deftly and rapidly compounded two mix 
 tures in long, thin glasses, and gave one to the 
 chaperon. 
 
 After one sip Mrs. Daring whispered : 
 
 "Excellent! You see there are several quite 
 young girls in the party, so I told Col. Billings to 
 provide only lemonade and chocolate to drink, but 
 a chaperon requires something more a sus 
 taining. Really, this is quite the best I ever 
 drank, and Mr. Daring makes a capital one." 
 
 She finished her glass. "Yes, you are quit; as 
 handsome as I hoped, and I fancy not at all 
 stupid." 
 
 At dinner that night at Pierre s the girls sturdily 
 refused to tell what had happened behind the por 
 tieres when Mrs. Daring made her unexpected call 
 there. 
 
 "No," said Mary decidedly, "she didn t give us 
 away to her gang, and we won t give her away 
 to ours; but she is a thoroughbred."
 
 MAJOR MAX STORIES.
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 that Bob Billings is stationed here in 
 New York harbor, I suppose he ll be in Mrs. 
 Jack Daring s box every night of the opera, ex 
 cept on the repeat nights, when she gives her box 
 to her poor relations, and on those nights I suppose 
 we ll be favored with a call." 
 
 Mrs. Max did not put this in the form of a ques 
 tion, yet she evidently expected a response from 
 the Major, for, after a minute s silence, she said : 
 
 "Why don t you answer?" 
 
 "I am only," said the Major, 
 
 "Mute at every word you utter, 
 Servant to your least frill flutter, 
 
 Belle marquise ! 
 As you sit there growing prouder, 
 
 And your ringed hands glance and go, 
 
 I was wondering whether you had made up 
 your mind that Mrs. Jack, Col. Bob, or Mrs. 
 Jack s poor relations would favor us with calls on 
 
 the repeat nights at the opera." 
 
 273
 
 274 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 The Major concluded by regarding his wife with 
 great gravity. 
 
 Mrs. Max looked at the Major with almost anx 
 iety for a moment, and then said suddenly, with 
 an air of relief : 
 
 "Oh, it s because you begged off from dressing 
 for dinner that you talk that way ; I have noticed 
 that you quote poetry only on the nights that you 
 beg off from dressing for dinner. Now, I sup 
 pose Mrs. Jack would think of something clever 
 to say about that. She always says clever things 
 about things when they happen, which I don t 
 think is very good form." 
 
 "Mrs. Jack might say, I suppose," said the 
 Major, thoughtfully, " that the mood which 
 prompts a married man to beg out of a dress suit 
 is a premonition of his dropping into poetry." 
 
 "No, Major," answered Mrs. Max prompt!}-, 
 "for that is a rather pretty remark, or, what do 
 you say? sentimental, isn t it? She does say 
 the most dreadful things. When I told her to 
 day they had taken out all the boxes from the 
 floor of the Metropolitan Opera- House she said she 
 supposed that was done so that the people on the 
 floor would not have their music mixed with box- 
 holders gossip." 
 
 "I dare say," said the Major, "that it was a
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 275 
 
 hardship to the people on the floor to have their 
 attention to the boxhoklers gossip distracted by 
 the interruptions of Gounod and Wagner. But I 
 have diverted the pleasing current of your thoughts 
 from the intentions of Master Bob Billings as to 
 Mrs. Jack s box; what of those?" 
 
 "I never said," answered Mrs. Max, "that Bob 
 Billings had any intentions; I was speaking of 
 Mrs. Jack s intentions, and they are the same for 
 the opera season as they were during the Horse 
 Show. Of course there was an excuse during the 
 Horse Show, for there her husband was out of the 
 box, riding or judging or driving, so she had to 
 have some man 10 depend upon ; but what excuse 
 she s going to make every night of the opera I m 
 sure !" 
 
 " She might make the same character of ex 
 cuse," said the Major dryly, "by putting her hus 
 band in the chorus. Jack would not look very 
 well in the chorus, but then his example would 
 make that diversion, popular with men of his 
 class, which would at once redound to the credit 
 and renown of the management, and give interest 
 to the performance for those whose ears are un 
 tuned to sweet melodies." 
 
 Mrs. Max giggled a little at this, and the Major 
 took this to indicate a propitious moment to sug-
 
 276 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 gest that she brew him a Scotch punch. The 
 Major was in slippers and smoking- jacket, and 
 there is much to be said in favor of hot Scotch 
 when one is in slippers and smoking- jacket and 
 at other times. There are those who contend that 
 Scotch whiskey should be mixed with cold water 
 only, which is true in respect that all whiskey 
 should be mixed with some kind of water, but in 
 respect that it argues in favor of a cold rather 
 than a hot Scotch, it is naught to those who 
 have drunk a hot Scotch punch as compounded by 
 Mrs. Max. There is something extremely pretty 
 in her manner and methods of compounding a hot 
 punch. 
 
 In that delightful occupation she proves how 
 true it is that the artistic and domestic tempera 
 ments may be fully developed in one person. 
 Could you see with what grace and daintiness she 
 arranges her polished glass and silver; how, while 
 the water is heating in the burnished brass kettle, 
 she measures, with thoughtful brow, the exact 
 quantity of sugar, clove, and lemon peel, whose 
 rightful proportions enrich and perfume the per 
 fected brew, then you would appreciate the expect 
 ant silence in which the Major and the setter dog 
 watched with closely following eyes each of her 
 dainty movements, until the filled and steaming
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 277 
 
 glasses announced the adequate end of these ex 
 quisite means. 
 
 The Major lifted his punch to his lips, and, 
 finding it a little too hot, put it to the setter s 
 nose, and that calm animal, finding it much too 
 hot, retired in offended dignity to the hearth 
 rug. 
 
 "A hot Scotch," said the Major, between tenta 
 tive sips, "always reminds me of the time I was 
 guilty of compounding a felony." 
 
 "Heavens, Major, a felony!" exclaimed Mrs. 
 Max. "Isn t that something dreadful? Don t 
 they cut them, or something?" 
 
 " People who commit them are cut sometimes by 
 their friends if the felonies are found out, but 
 mine was not," the Major answered, observing 
 with amazement his wife s ability he did not 
 know it was a physical characteristic of her sex 
 to handle and drink a beverage too hot for the 
 masculine sense of touch. 
 
 " It was in that Nez Perces campaign when Bob 
 Billings and I, both lieutenants then, each had 
 command of a small force following Chief Joseph 
 across Idaho. Bob and I separated early in De 
 cember, designing to meet in the latter part of the 
 month, and we did so, I recollect, on the 23d. I 
 distinctly recall our greetings. Mine was, Hello,
 
 278 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 Billings; got anything to drink? His was, curi 
 ously enough, Hello, Max, what have you got to 
 drink? 
 
 "Alas, my dear! Picture if you can our un 
 happy state: neither of us had a drop to drink 
 that is, not a drop of the article implied but not 
 expressed in both our questions. Our little forces 
 joined, as it happened, at a very good camping- 
 ground ; that is, there were wood and water and 
 game and no Indians. We were in need of some 
 supplies, and so decided to remain in that camp 
 over Christmas, on the chance that the supplies 
 might overtake us there. The day after we met 
 was the day befoio Christmas, and all that day 
 Bob and I bemoaned our fate that there was not in 
 camp a drop of anything to aid the cheer of Christ 
 mas eve. 
 
 " I am, my dear, as you know yes, that s right, 
 you had better heat a little more water a temper 
 ate man, yet notwithstanding that commendable 
 attribute, I hold that there are certain festive oc 
 casions the full quality of whose spirit cannot be 
 justly appreciated without that moderate increase 
 in the fanciful phases of our faculties which vi 
 brate in pleasing measure, in, I may say, a more 
 redundant play, when the mind has been cleared 
 of the cobwebs of care through the means of those
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 279 
 
 enlivening titillations by which the brain responds 
 to the action of alcohol." 
 
 "Was there enough whiskey in that glass:" 
 Mrs. Max asked in an absorbed manner. 
 
 " It was perfect," said the Major. 
 
 "Then, why don t you go onV" said Mrs. Max, 
 turning the extinguisher over the alcohol-lamp. 
 "I thought you were going to tell me about a 
 felon you had." 
 
 " To be sure, sweet remembrancer. I think I 
 was saying that Bob and I felt in a pretty bad 
 way because we had nothing wherewith to drink 
 a Christmas eve cup to our far-away sweet 
 hearts and friends his sweethearts and my 
 friends. 
 
 " There was a sergeant in my command, a Yan 
 kee, the cleverest soldier I ever met. He was, in 
 fact, though not so breveted, my lieutenant, ad 
 jutant, and commissary. He was nurse, tailor, 
 and preacher for the other men, and while, even 
 oil our rough, scrambling mountain march, which 
 dulls the keen edge of the ceremony of discipline 
 in most soldiers, he never failed in the letter of 
 ceremony, never omitted a salute, he also never 
 failed to maintain a. slightly superior and patroniz 
 ing air toward me. The soldiers nicknamed him 
 the parson, because he preached at them ,so much.
 
 280 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 Never did Jonathan Edwards promise deeper dam 
 nation to the Housatonic Indians than was pre 
 dicted for my other men by the parson. He was 
 especially severe upon them when they drank, and 
 thereby encouraged their drinking when chance 
 offered, because the men all loved the parson s 
 temperance sermons. 
 
 " Well, 011 that morning before Christmas my 
 sergeant his name, by the way, was Hiram Hoi- 
 brook heard much of Bob s and my lamentation 
 over the fact that our Christmas eve must pass 
 without the pleasure of a punch. I saw him about 
 noon in deep earnest consultation with our civilian 
 scout, a trapper who knew every foot of the 
 mountains. The sergeant came to me after that 
 consultation and asked for an afternoon s leave to 
 go out deer-hunting. I saw him gallop away on 
 his horse, and Bob and I had finished our Christ 
 mas eve dinner, and were renewing our lamen 
 tations over our punchless condition, when the 
 sergeant cama to our camp-fire and reported. 
 When he had done so, instead of joining the other 
 soldiers, he put a camp-kettle over our fire, and 
 without a word of explanation proceeded to heat 
 some water, during which process he produced 
 from his overcoat pockets some lemons, sugar, and 
 a bottle of whiskey, and therewith compounded a
 
 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 281 
 
 punch the recipe for which I have taught you, my 
 dear. 
 
 " Something in his manner prompted me not to 
 question him. He left us after declining a prof 
 fered cupful of his own superior decoction, putting- 
 it from him with the information, imparted in his 
 blessed Yankee twang, that it bitcth like a ser 
 pent and stingeth like an adder. 
 
 "A.h, what a glorious Christmas eve that, then, 
 became for Bob and me ! The list of our friends 
 who deserved to be toasted was exhausted before 
 the parson s punch, and then we toasted the parson. 
 
 " Two days after that we camped near a lonely 
 settler s cabin. The settler, an old Kentuckian, 
 told me, in answer to my queries, that he had seen 
 no Indians, but that some rustler must have 
 strayed from the railroad and passed that way. 
 Ho reckoned so, he said, because on the afternoon 
 before Christmas some one had entered his cabin 
 while he was away and stolen a bottle of whiskey 
 and some lemons and sugar, which the settler had 
 ridden fifty miles to obtain. When we were on 
 the march again I said to the parson: Sergeant, 
 how far was our Christmas eve camp from that 
 Kentuckian s cabin? The sergeant said that he 
 guessed it was about twenty miles. That s a 
 pretty good mare you re riding, sergeant, I next
 
 282 THE PARSON S PUNCH. 
 
 said. We-el, he drawled slowly, "she s been 
 known to make forty miles of an afternoon in a 
 case of emergency. 
 
 ; What was the mare s name?" asked Mrs. 
 Max, sleepily.
 
 NO ONE IN TOWN. 
 
 u FiO you know, Major," said Mrs. Max, "that 
 I ve just been thinking, and this is the first 
 time I ve ever been in town in August in my life, 
 and it seems as strange as if we were in some foreign 
 city. Why do you put two slices of cucumber-rind 
 in that claret cup? The recipe says only one." 
 
 "This is a quart cup," answered the Major, 
 serious]} 1 -. " The recipe is evidently intended for 
 the nurserj^." 
 
 "There is actually no one in town," continued 
 Mrs. Max, " but I m not half sorry I came down 
 with you, for it s lovely shopping." 
 
 "Then the shop clerks are in town?" asked the 
 Major, tasting the cup and finding it good. 
 
 "Why, of course; where should they be? I 
 walked all the way down the Avenue this morning 
 to Broadway, went into a dozen shops, and really 
 I did not see a soul I knew. Really, the town is 
 empty. It s quite jolly, and when we go back 1 in 
 going to suggest to Mrs. Jack Daring that we 
 
 give a town party." 
 
 283
 
 284 NO ONE IN TOWN. 
 
 " So that your friends can share the novel expe 
 rience of seeing how curious the town looks when 
 it s empty?" 
 
 " Why, yes. Something like that, you know. 
 Besides, it seems as if it would be rather kinil 
 of the dear old town to bring fifty or a hundred 
 people here when it s so empty." 
 
 The Major drank some cup, lit a cigar, took up 
 a paper, put it down, regarded Mrs. Max for some 
 time over his glasses, aiid then said : " My dear, 
 upon mature reflection, I do not think your town- 
 party scheme can reasonably be placed within the 
 category of New York s life s necessities, if your 
 chief object in view is to overcome any tendencies 
 you think you observe toward total depopulation." 
 
 "Now, Major, when you talk like that you have 
 either seen somebody or something, or what in 
 ever, I m sure." 
 
 " You have made a very clever guess, Mrs. Max, 
 as usual. I ve seen somebody. When I d finished 
 at the lawyer s, there being, as you justly ob 
 served, nobody in town, I had not the heart to go 
 to the club, so I went first to Cherry Hill 
 
 "Major!" interrupted Mrs. Max, "I did not 
 know you had been out of the city to-day." 
 
 "I have not." 
 
 " Is there such a place in town Cherry HillT
 
 A T O ONE IN TOWN. 285 
 
 Pretty name, wonder I never heard of it," Mrs. 
 Max remarked, not very much interested. 
 
 She rang for a servant, had the windows and 
 blinds arranged to create a cooler draught, had all 
 the lights put out except the Major s reading-lamp, 
 had more magazines and papers put on his table, 
 and more ice put in the pitcher. Possibly this 
 was to make the Major more comfortable for his 
 story-telling ; possibly to make him so comfortable 
 he would not tell it. 
 
 The Major waited until the silent servant had 
 left the room, and then, smiling a little under his 
 mustache, continued : 
 
 " I went first through the Cherry Hill district, 
 then all about the Five Points 
 
 "But, Major, no one goes there. Five Points!" 
 
 "Very few, to be sure; but then, quite a num 
 ber stay there. The people were so thickly crowded 
 on the sidewalks, yes, and in the roadway, along 
 Mulberry Bend 
 
 " What very pretty names they have !" 
 
 "Yes, the names are pretty so crowded there 
 that it was like the Avenue sidewalks on a parade 
 day. They were not all in the streets, although 
 there was not much room for more. Those who 
 could not get out of the houses, too old or too weak 
 to go out into the crowd, were gasping in the win-
 
 286 NO ONE IN TOWN. 
 
 dows or lying on the fire-escapes. They are pic 
 turesque, the Italians especially. The women are 
 all bareheaded, many of them barefooted, and 
 both men and women all have some bright bit of 
 color in their dress. Their occupations are not so 
 picturesque. They seem to be chiefly engaged in 
 buying and selling combs with small teeth, very 
 black bread, and very stale vegetables." 
 
 " How dreadful !" interrupted Mrs. Max. " Why 
 don t they buy their vegetables before they are 
 stale?" 
 
 "Madam, do not endeavor to entrap me into a 
 discussion which points toward politico-domestic 
 economics. I was merely a looker-on in Vienna, 
 searching for artistic effects. I did, I confess, 
 pursue one inquiry. I . asked a police officer if 
 many of the people thereabouts went out of town 
 for the summer, and he assured me that there was 
 no more work out of town than in, and that those 
 people would not look for it if there was. He 
 seemed to be an observing person. The children 
 were quite picturesque there, more so than east of 
 the Bowery, where I went later. The younger 
 children each wore but one garment." 
 
 "Which one?" 
 
 " My merely masculine understanding cannot 
 enlighten you on that point. Its proper or im-
 
 NO ONE IN TOWN. 287 
 
 proper name I do not know. It was shaped, gen 
 erally, like a flour sack, diversified in style by 
 various rents, frays, holes, and stains. The older 
 children, yet under ten years, I should say, while 
 all bare headed and footed, were generally pos 
 sessed of more than one garment, and, like their 
 elders, each wore some bright bit of color. On 
 Mott street I saw a scene an artist might have 
 used for a picture; and, indeed, some such street 
 picture may be painted in New York when our 
 artists learn, if they ever will, that they need not 
 go to Europe for their subjects. On an old truck 
 a little Italian girl and a mulatto girl were blow 
 ing soap-bubbles. On the street two little boys, 
 a coal-black negro, a half-white Chinese, each 
 using a bright-colored kite as a fan, were keeping 
 those bubbles dancing in the air as long as possi 
 ble. They were graceful in their jumping about, 
 kneeling, lying down even, to keep themselves 
 under the bubbles, and their more successful efforts 
 were applauded by a lot of men and children, 
 Italian, negro, and Chinese, picturesquely grouped 
 about the spot. To be sure, the negro boy 
 thrashed any of the other children who broke 
 any of the bubbles, but that need not go on to the 
 canvas." 
 
 The Major refilled his glass, thereby awakening
 
 288 A T O ONE IN TOWN. 
 
 Mrs. Max from a graceful slumber, and then con 
 tinued: 
 
 " From there I crossed the Bowery, and went 
 into Hester, Forsyth, and neighboring streets. 
 There I was not so successful in my search for 
 artistic effects. The children there would astound 
 you, my dear, by their number. They were spread 
 over the sidewalk as thick as sturgeon eggs over a 
 caviar sandwich. There, too, the streets were so 
 crowded that passage through them was difficult. 
 I have recently read that in that district of New 
 York there are two hundred thousand Jews. 
 After my walk there to-day, I am prepared to 
 credit the statement, and to believe that none of 
 them are out of town for the summer. 
 
 " There, also, a woman with any covering for 
 her head would be as conspicuous as an unbon- 
 neted woman promenading the Avenue. Human 
 beings there are so prevalent, they impress an out 
 sider as being needless. They swarm. The mass 
 is so dense, its motion so ceaseless, it gradually, to 
 the eye, assumes the appearance of something not 
 human; of something are you awake, my dear?" 
 
 "Certainly, Major. I heard every word you 
 said. Talking about bonnets, were you not?" 
 
 " Yes, I was remarking how rarely one sees a 
 bonnet when there is no one in town."
 
 AT THE FRENCH BALL. 
 
 " J AM perfectly satisfied that Mrs. Jack Daring 
 went to the French ball with Bob Billings, 
 danced once across the floor, had a glass of wine, 
 and danced out again," said Mrs. Max to the Major, 
 who was preparing a grape-fruit. 
 
 The Major regarded the lady in an absent- 
 minded manner for a moment, and then re 
 marked : 
 
 " The centre of the grape-fruit should be cut out 
 with a sharp knife, thus at once removing all the 
 seeds and the tough, fibrous core, and making a 
 cup, into which you pour a glass of kimmel, thus. 
 Then you add a plentiful supply of powdered 
 sugar, and gently press the sides of the fruit back 
 ward and forward. That works the sugar and 
 kimmel into the flesh of the fruit, where, mingling 
 with the acid juice, they produce a liquor which 
 is as refreshing as it is beneficial. Madam, yours 
 is prepared. You made some observations con 
 cerning Mrs. Jack Daring. Has that amiable 
 
 and amusing person eloped with Bob Billings, 
 289
 
 290 AT THE FRENCH BALL. 
 
 or introduced the Strong Man at one of her 
 afternoons?" 
 
 "I said," began Mrs. Max severely, and then 
 stopped to take a spoonful of liquid from the cup 
 of her grape fruit. When she had done so her 
 manner was mollified : " I said I thought she was 
 there, for I saw her maid in a plaid street dress just 
 like the one described in the papers which was 
 worn by a masked lady at the ball." 
 
 "And the man swallowed three crows," said the 
 Major in a far-away voice. 
 
 "What in ever, Major, are you talking about? 
 I said nothing about crows! Of course Mrs. Jack 
 will tell me, for she always does, after a while 1 , 
 but it is so much more fun to know a thing when 
 you don t know it, don t, you know, than to know 
 it, you know, when you do er you know what 
 I mean, Major?" 
 
 " In pure intellectual activity my life is an alter 
 nating current of joy, determining things which 
 you know that I should know, but which you do 
 not tell me, my dear. As I understand the pres 
 ent puzzle, you desire to know whether or not 
 Mrs. Jack and Bob were at the French ball, not 
 because you want to know, but because } ou don t 
 know. Am I blazing away accurately by the 
 compass of intuitiveness?"
 
 AT THE FRENCH BALL. 291 
 
 "You are absurd, and I think the expression 
 blazing away must come from the army. What 
 can Mrs. Jack have to do with a blaze?" 
 
 " Two souls with but a single match, 
 Two hearts that blaze as one, " 
 
 murmured the Major. 
 
 Mrs. Max had a finger of each hand in her fin 
 ger-bowl and was tracing the pattern on the doily 
 beneath it, when she began laughing in a way so 
 knowing that the setter, which had stolen into the 
 breakfast-room, winked at the Major, as if to 
 warn him to be on his guard. "Would you 
 think, Major," she said, "that it was very 
 wicked of Mrs. Jack to go to that ball with Mr. 
 Billings?" 
 
 " To go to the ball, no; to go with Billings, yes. 
 Decidedly yes." 
 
 "Why?" asked Mrs. Max in some alarm. 
 
 "Well," said the Major, thoughtfully, "Bob is 
 such a harum-scarum he would be sure to disclose 
 his identity, and from this it would be an easy 
 step to guess that of his companion. To go to the 
 ball for a ten minutes lark I should consider no 
 sin; to go with Bob would be the height of in 
 discretion." 
 
 Mrs. Max stopped laughing and looked grave.
 
 292 AT THE FRENCH HALL. 
 
 The Major looked solemn, and ordered the setter 
 out of the room severely. 
 
 "Of course, Major," she began in a voice of 
 deep humility, " I intended of course you know 
 I meant to tell you that that- I was only 
 joking about Mrs. Jack, because of course 
 you know I was only joking 3*011 see, aiid you 
 know she wasn t there there at the ball, 3*011 
 know. 
 
 "Pardon me, my dear, but 3*011 are mistaken. 
 She was there with me." 
 
 "Major!" 
 
 "Yes. I knew she was the only woman in our 
 set who had spirit of adventure enough for that 
 sort of thing; so we went." 
 
 " Oh ! she s the only woman in 3 T our set who had 
 the spirit to go for a ten minutes lark, is she? 
 Well, whose set do I belong to? I was there with 
 Bob Billings." 
 
 "Certainly, 1113* dear, that is the wa3* we ar 
 ranged it. Now do not excite 3*ourself. Mrs. 
 Jack, Bob, and I planned the whole programme, 
 and you ve concluded it beautifulh*. Mrs. Jack 
 told her husband she was going with Bob, and 
 Jack asked why 3*011 and I did not go with them. 
 Bob thought 3*011 wouldn t go, and I bet him a 
 dinner you would, and Mrs. Jack bet me a dinner
 
 AT THE FRENCH BALL. 293 
 
 you would not confess until next week; so you ve 
 won both bets for me." 
 
 Mrs. Max was flaming now. 
 
 " Do you suppose I would go unless I knew it 
 was a joke, and that you were going too?" she 
 demanded. 
 
 "Certainly not, my dear. I told Mrs. Jack to 
 tell you as a secret that I was going, so that you 
 would go and I would win Bob s bet." 
 
 There was a long, thoughtful silence, which was 
 broken at last by Mrs. Max saying: 
 
 "Major, Bob Billings was here j esterday." 
 
 " Of course he was, my dear. 1 told him Mrs. 
 Jack had helped me win my bet from him, and 
 suggested to him that he could square that account 
 by urging you to confess this week instead of next, 
 and thereby make Mrs. Jack lose her bet. Did he 
 urge you?" 
 
 Mrs. Max stood up and made a speech. 
 
 "Major Max," she declared, "all men and Mrs. 
 Jack Daring are wicked, deceitful things. Mrs. 
 Jack called yesterday and urged me, just to carry 
 out a joke, she said, not to tell you until next Aveek 
 that I was there. Then that miserable Bob Bil 
 lings came and with tears in his voice begged me 
 to confess to-day, saying he was conscience- 
 stricken, and things, don t you know. Now, it
 
 294 AT THE FRENCH BALL. 
 
 seems everybody knew everything about every 
 thing except that I knew only that it was all right 
 for me to go because you were to be there. You 
 are a set of villains, and I shall never speak to 
 that horrible Billings nor Mrs. Jack again." 
 
 " Wait, my dear, until they ve both paid their 
 dinner bets." 
 
 Mrs. Max looked cross for nearly a minute, and 
 then suddenly asked, with good-natured anima 
 tion : " By the way, Major, what did Mrs. Jack 
 wear at the ball?"
 
 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 
 
 # I" SHALL certainly expire of anxiety if Jack 
 Daring does not come home, or Bob Billings 
 doesn t return to his regiment," said Mrs. Max. 
 
 Mrs. Max indulges in tropical hyperbolification 
 sometimes. It is the manner of some women of 
 really calm temperament. She did not look at all 
 as if she were about to die, nor even appear anx 
 ious. She was engaged in making the Major s 
 favorite celery-salad-dressing to accompany a can 
 vas-back, and the Major was holding an anxious 
 thumb on the dial of his watch to make sure that 
 the duck was served on the minute of appointed 
 time. 
 
 "Anything new in the Billings-Daring affair?" 
 asked the Major, not taking his eye from his 
 thumb, which was following the minute-hand 
 faithfully. 
 
 Mrs. Max added a dash of red pepper to the 
 currant jelly stock of her dressing, and then tasted 
 the result on a piece of celery before she answered : 
 
 "What in ever Mrs. Jack Daring means by 
 295
 
 296 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 
 
 going into a restaurant to lunch with Bob Billings 
 and giving such a bizarre order, I m sure!" 
 
 "The degree the proprieties -were outraged by 
 that performance," the Major said in a judicial 
 voice, "depends upon what the order was." 
 
 " That is the very thing," exclaimed Mrs. Max, 
 carefully drying the celery, and slicing it into the 
 salad-bowl. " They ordered it was her order; I 
 have the story perfectly straight, fur Fannie Court- 
 landt s groom was standing outside, and he told 
 my maid she ordered a bottle of dry champagne 
 and a loaf of French bread, and that s all they 
 ordered. That s very faddy, and that s why Mrs. 
 Jack Daring did it." 
 
 Just then the duck arrived, and the serious busi 
 ness of carving off the two breast pieces clear of 
 wing and leg, depositing each clean oval on a hot 
 plate, and silvering the upturned crimson surface 
 of each piece with a few drops of lemon-juice oc 
 cupied the Major s entire attention for nearly a 
 minute, and then he said : 
 
 "Of course a lunch of dr} r wine and French 
 bread is potential of gossip, if not of scandal , but 
 I ll tell you a little story which may suggest that 
 it was Bob and not Mrs. Jack who was responsible 
 for the menu which has met with your distin 
 guished disapproval."
 
 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 297 
 
 "When you talk like that," said Mrs. Max, 
 when the Major stopped to take some duck, " I 
 know you are going to tell a bad story. You 
 always tell your bad stories in big words." 
 
 "Madam, you are inconsequential. This salad 
 is excellent. I have mentioned before the stage 
 trip Bob and 1 took one time through the Nevada 
 desert when wo were assigned to court-martial 
 duty, at Fort Bidwell. On our return trip our 
 stage broke down at Surprise Valley or Pyramid 
 City. I remember, now, it was Pyramid City, 
 for it only had one house, and Bob made a bad 
 pun about having to peer amid the city a long 
 time before finding another house. 
 
 " Well, in our stage were two women, anonyma3, 
 who had deserted the failing fortunes of some 
 mining-camp which had enriched them enough to 
 warrant their return to civilization. One was 
 young, neither was handsome nor attractive. 
 Both wore diamonds and dresses that were gro 
 tesque in their finery seen in that forsaken, dusty 
 desert. Pyramid City was a stage station that 
 is, a station for beast, but not for man. It was 
 not an eating-station. One of those curious Ne 
 vada ranches near by, reclaimed from the sage 
 brush and watered by a little stream that ran into 
 Pyramid Lake, supplied food for the stock, but no
 
 298 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 
 
 one supplied food for the human inhabitants three 
 stablemen and a Chinese cook. His association 
 with those stablemen had spoiled that Chinaman, 
 for he was as dirty and lazy as they, and whatever 
 ability he had ever possessed as a cook had per 
 ished from lack of exercise. He provided for us, 
 arid joined us at the table for its discussion, a 
 breakfast of harn, potatoes, and bread. The ham 
 was salted leather, the potatoes larded wax, and 
 the bread was greasy putt}*. The lunch offered 
 was the same. We did not eat. We hoped for 
 dinner; it was the same. We could not eat. 
 Those poor women could eat 110 more than we. 
 We spoke to them at lunch. I adopted Bob s 
 attitude toward them. It not only saved the situ 
 ation for us, but also for them. The stablemen 
 were deceived by our assumption of respectful con 
 sideration, and supposed the women must be 
 something different from what they appeared. 
 
 " You are looking at me wonderingly, madam. 
 I wonder at it myself sometimes, but ifc has not yet 
 occurred to me to regret that I once treated two un 
 fortunate women for a couple of days as my social 
 equals. The women appreciated it, too, and that s 
 what I am going to tell you about. 
 
 " We had eaten nothing all day, and after the 
 dinner hour Bob and I were seriously discussing
 
 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 299 
 
 a tramp to the next station, fifteen miles, but were 
 rather discouraged by the reflection that we should 
 not find a very much improved cuisine there. As 
 we were talking this over, wandering up and 
 down the dusty road, the women came to us. The 
 younger one told us in broken French that she had 
 discovered back of the house an earthen oven, in 
 which she could bake some good bread if we could 
 induce the Chinaman to let her have what she 
 needed from his stores. Of course we soon made 
 arrangements with the cook, and in half an hour 
 the two women and Bob and I were down by the 
 oven, all at work under the direction of that girl. 
 She got a tub, which she called her p&trin, which 
 we carried half a mile to the creek and scoured 
 with sand and water. Then she mixed her dough 
 of flour, water, salt, and yeast, scolding a little 
 because she had to use a yeast-cake instead of malt 
 yeast. When we saw that she was making dough 
 enough in her petrin to feed a regiment, and 
 asked why, she laughed and said she did not know 
 how to make less; that was the quantity she used 
 to make once a week at home in France. Then 
 she told us to get wood and build a fire in and 
 about the oven. 
 
 " When she had her dough made, she covered it 
 in the tub with a flannel which she got from her
 
 300 ANONYMS AT PYRAMID CITY. 
 
 valise. Then she took charge of the fire, for that 
 had to be just so big and no bigger all the time. 
 In an hour she was at the dough again, stretching- 
 it out and throwing back the ends as you ve seen 
 them pull molasses candy in the shops. It was 
 what she called l petrin le pain." 1 She was clever 
 and patient at it. Bob and I each tried it, but it 
 tired out wrists in a minute. Then the dough 
 was covered with the flannel again and tliepetrin 
 with boards. She went through with this per 
 formance three times at intervals of an hour; the 
 bread would not be right unless she did so, she 
 said. 
 
 " The other woman produced from her valise 
 three bottles of good champagne. I took my hat 
 off to her when I saw the brand. She told us how 
 to cool the bottles. We covered them with cloths, 
 tied them with strings to branches of a cottonwood 
 tree leaning over the creek, and bent the branches 
 down and soused the bottles in the water. Bob 
 and I took turns for hours sousing and swinging 
 those bottles. Before the bread had got its last 
 treatment we were told to rake the fire off and out 
 of the oven, and our breadmaker inspected and 
 cleaned out that oven in a very knowing way. 
 Then she made as many long loaves as the bottom 
 of the oven would hold, and told us that in an hour
 
 ANONYMsE AT PYRAMID CITY. 301 
 
 our supper would be ready. It turned out to be 
 breakfast, for 
 
 " The first baby peaks were peeping 
 From under their bedclothes of snow" 
 
 on the Sierras to the west of us before that bread 
 was baked. In the mean time the other woman 
 had spread a cloth down on the dry sand by the 
 creek, had scoured up the Chinaman s sorry table- 
 service, and had even made a show of table decora 
 tion with the youngest shoots from the cottonwood 
 twigs. Those same baby peaks were golden lances 
 when we sat down to breakfast, for the sun had 
 come up out of the eastern desert to burn again 
 the land that had not yet revived from yesterday s 
 scorching. Well, that was our breakfast bottles 
 of cold wine, and loaves of such French bread as 1 
 have never eaten before nor since. 
 
 "You know how courtly Bob can be when he 
 wants to produce a correct impression upon a care 
 ful mother. That was his manner, and I pat 
 terned mine upon his as we broke bread and poured 
 wine for those women and talked to them, not of 
 their lives, but of ours, and of the best in ours." 
 
 The Major stopped. He had told a longer story 
 than he usually does, and Mrs. Max did not com 
 ment at once. She walked around behind him,
 
 302 ANONYMsE AT PYRAMID CITY. 
 
 pulled his head back by his grizzled mustache, and 
 kissed him. 
 
 "That s for you," she said; "and as for Bob 
 Billings, invite him to dinner to-morrow."
 
 WHAT THE PA11HOT SAID. 
 
 VJ RS. MAX was making their Sunday morning 
 coffee. That is a little convention, it may 
 almost be called a, function, that Mrs. Max never 
 fails to observe on Sunday morning. 
 
 One time, soon after they were married, the 
 Major had said to her, and possibly forgot the 
 saying the next minute, that he had fallen in love 
 with her first when he had seen her making her 
 father s Sunday morning coffee. Wives remem- 
 
 */ O 
 
 her those sayings, and husbands are sometimes 
 surprised by having them recalled years after they 
 have forgotten them. That s one of the differ 
 ences in the sexes. 
 
 Any way, the excellent coffee that the cook 
 makes is never served on Sunday morning. 
 
 The Major was watching the operation, as ho 
 has watched it some hundreds of Sunday morn 
 ings, and not quite understanding just why Mrs. 
 Max did all the various little things she does with 
 that tin French coffee-pot she uses. Although the 
 
 coffee pot is scalded each Sunday before it is put 
 303
 
 304 WHAT THE PARROT SAID. 
 
 away for its week s rest, Mrs. Max always rinses 
 it with scalding water again before using it. It is 
 one of the kind that has an inner cylinder with a 
 perforated hottom, and in that cylinder a piston 
 with a perforated disc on its lower end. Mrs. 
 Max does not put the coffee on top of this disc, 
 but directly in the bottom of the cylinder, and 
 uses the disc like a ramrod to pack the coffee 
 down hard. 
 
 "Because," Mrs. Max explained, "the harder 
 you pack the coffee the longer it takes the water to 
 seep through ; and the slower the water is in seep 
 ing through, the stronger the coffee is." 
 
 Having the coffee nicely packed, Mrs. Max lifts 
 her kettle of boiling water from the spirit lamp 
 and fills up the cylinder, watching the coffee swell 
 to the top with critical eye. Then the coffee is 
 packed down again and more boiling water poured 
 over it, and the extract that she makes by these 
 interesting proceedings is so strong that you must 
 have a proportion of one-quarter coffee and three- 
 quarters boiling milk to the cup if you expect to 
 sleep at all that week. And, by the way, the cup 
 of coffee she serves is so hot that it will stand a 
 little cream without being too much depressed in 
 temperature. 
 
 It was after she had added the cream to the
 
 WHAT THE PARROT SAID. 305 
 
 Major s cup and observed his silent satisfaction at 
 the result that she remarked : 
 
 " The trouble with Mrs. Jack Daring is that she 
 talks too much." 
 
 " That is the remark the parrot made about him 
 self after his brief engagement with the setter 
 dog," said the Major. "By the way, did I ever 
 tell you that story?" 
 
 " You told me one story about a parrot, and not 
 a dog, I think, but a monkey. If this is anything 
 like that you needn t tell it," Mrs. Max replied, 
 warningly. 
 
 "Well," said the Major thoughtfully, "while 
 the stories are not just the same, they have an 
 element in common which may be your very point 
 of objection. I will give you the benefit of the 
 possibility if you will enlighten me as to Mrs. 
 Jack Daring s most recent offence in compromis 
 ing loquacity." 
 
 "When you talk like that, Major," Mrs. Max 
 said demurely, "I wonder that you have never 
 finished your article on The Futility of a Live 
 Indian. That s just the kind of language people 
 use in magazines." 
 
 "Madam," exclaimed the Major, "can you jest 
 upon so serious a subject as my literary ambitions? 
 Tell me, what has Mrs. Jack Daring said?"
 
 300 WHAT THE PARROT SAID. 
 
 " Why, she has been telling all over town about 
 the scandal of that Philadelphia suburban tea," 
 began Mrs. Max. " You know she was down 
 there last week, and 
 
 " Oh, that s why I couldn t find Bob Billings at 
 the club last week !" interrupted the Major. 
 
 " Major Max, you are scandalous !" exclaimed 
 his wife, but she smiled knowingly to herself, and 
 allowed the Major to help her to some more finnan- 
 haddie, bechamel, before she went on with her 
 story. 
 
 " Well, it seems that some of the ladies in quite 
 the smartest set in Philadelphia determined to 
 give a suburban tea, like ours at Claremont, you 
 know. They picked out a place which is pretty 
 enough, but it turned out afterward, so Mrs. Jack 
 says, that the place was very popular with men 
 who drive out of town at night with women no one 
 ever heard of, don t } ou know? The men who 
 were invited to the tea didn t dare to tell the ladies 
 who were getting it up what sort of a resort this 
 was they were going to, because of course if they 
 told, why, don t you see, that would prove that 
 they knew, and how in ever were they going to 
 explain how they knew? So the tea came off, and, 
 Mrs. Jack says, a lot of the men were half afraid 
 to go, but they did not dare to stay away because
 
 WHAT THE PARROT SAID. 307 
 
 they were afraid the women would find out what 
 they were afraid of." 
 
 " Pardon me a moment, my dear," the Major cut 
 in. 
 
 "Either I am more stupid than usual this morn 
 ing, or else your story is a little bit complicated. 
 See if I understand you: Some Philadelphia 
 ladies, with a laudable ambition to have a suburb 
 an tea, made an unfortunate selection of a 
 place to have it. Some Philadelphia men, 
 acquainted with the real facts, remained, silent, 
 because to confess their knowledge would 
 criminate them. They also knew there would 
 be some so far unexplained danger in their 
 going, and were afraid that if they stayed away 
 they would admit their knowledge of the danger. 
 Am I right?" 
 
 "I m sure, Major," pouted Mrs. Max, "that s 
 just what I said. But, of course, I ve never been 
 in Philadelphia, and so I only have Mrs. Jack 
 Daring s word for it, and, besides, 1 said at the 
 start that she talks too much. Well, they all went 
 to the tea, and what in ever do you think? There 
 was a horrid parrot there, and it knew a whole lot 
 of those men s names, and, will you believe it, 
 that parrot called out to ever so many of them, and 
 asked them where a lot of woman were, don t you
 
 308 WHAT THE PARROT SAID. 
 
 know, women whose names the ladies had never 
 heard, so Mrs. Jack says." 
 
 "Well," said the Major, after a thoughtful 
 pause, " it appears that it was the parrot, and not 
 Mrs. Jack, after all, who talked too d 
 
 "Major!" interrupted Mrs. Max, "let me fill 
 your cup !"
 
 A CELESTIAL STRIKE. 
 
 44 IV ^^ Major, you must not praise the cook in 
 her hearing," Mrs. Max said. "You will 
 only spoil her or make her demand an increase of 
 wages." 
 
 "Not much," the Major replied emphatically. 
 u I had a little experience in that matter which 
 taught me a lesson. It was before we were mar 
 ried, my dear, and before I resigned. Our regi 
 ment was with General Howard, chasing the Nez 
 Perces Indians across the mountains in Montana 
 and Idaho. One of our lieutenants had been 
 stationed at the Presidio in San Francisco, and tha 
 mess made arrangements with him to bring a 
 Chinese cook. My, how that cook could cook! 
 The beggar brought along, in some mysterious 
 manner, the most unexpected things. I remember 
 one day we d had a venison roast the day before 
 that adorable celestial gave us a venison stew 
 with pickled walnuts! All the officers in the mess 
 appreciated this, but, bless me! how they jumped 
 on me when I said to the cook: Plenty good 
 309
 
 310 A CELESTIAL STRIKE. 
 
 stew, Chung, plenty good. All said I was a 
 fool." 
 
 "Major! How could they?" said Mrs. Max. 
 
 "Oh, that s only messroom talk. Everj body 
 calls everybody a fool at a mess dinner. Well, as 
 I was saying, all the boj T s said Chung would strike 
 for higher wages, get impudent or haughty, and 
 leave if we praised him. So they laid out a 
 scheme. Whenever he brought in a particularly 
 good dish, we were to turn up our noses and make 
 mean remarks. That would keep Chung in a 
 proper and lowly spirit, and generally promote 
 harmony and discipline. The next day he gave 
 us some mountain quail roasted in envelopes of 
 bacon; and, really, my dear, I wish your cook 
 could roast a quail like that. The boys all said 
 ugh ! or pish ! or tush ! and the last one threat 
 ened to throw the dish away. Chung regarded 
 that with calm exterior, but after dinner he ap 
 peared, swaddled in every one of his jackets, and 
 bade us good-by. We were nearly frightened to 
 death and asked what ailed him. 
 
 " You no like my cooking, me no cook, that 
 heathen answered. 
 
 " We assured him we would try and stand it, 
 and he grinned and said we could stand it for just 
 ten dolla more per lunar month. Of course we
 
 " YOU NO LIKE MY COOKING, ME NO COOK, THAT HEATHEN ANSWERED." 
 
 Pajjre 310.
 
 A CELESTIAL STRIKE. 311 
 
 felt silly, but there was nothing to do but pay it to 
 him. That made $70 a month. They were the 
 biggest lot of fool officers I ever saw, for they in 
 sisted on their scheme. One day Chung brought 
 in a tenderloin of mule 
 
 "Mule? Major!" 
 
 "Yes, we were down in the Bad Lands then, 
 hundreds of miles from any settlement, and mule 
 was pretty good. You never happened to eat a 
 young mule, I suppose? Of course not. Well, he 
 had seasoned that mule with a kind of little pepper 
 he had found, and it was immense. Then those fool 
 boys went through the same idiotic performance. 
 The last one the dish was passed to turned his 
 nose up to his eyebrows and said, Oh, hell. " 
 
 "Major!" 
 
 " I was not the man, my dear. Chung had 
 watched the proceedings to the end silently, but 
 when the remark L have quoted was made Chung 
 turned on his heel and. he, too, said 
 
 "Major?" 
 
 "No, not Major , but the word you object to. 
 After dinner he appeared again all dressed up in 
 his Sunday clothes and bade us good-by. We re 
 monstrated, but it did not work. We threatened, 
 and he pretended not to understand. Finally we 
 asked him how much.
 
 :5T2 A CELESTIAL STRIKE. 
 
 "One bundled dolla month, answered Chung, 
 vvith never a ghost of a smile. 
 
 "We paid it. Since then I ve believed a little 
 praise to the cook, judiciously administered, ap 
 proaches G in domestic economy." 
 
 "I m sure," Mrs. Max remarked, after a 
 thoughtful observation of her finger-nails, which 
 are very pretty, " I m sure I don t see why you 
 didn t advertise for another cook."
 
 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED, THOUGH 
 WITTY. 
 
 U TI7HEN OUT regiment was stationed in San 
 Francisco, some years before I resigned to 
 assume the slightly impersonal though altogether 
 comfortable character of the husband of Mrs. Max, 
 I knew a fellow out there named Arthur McEvven, 
 who wrote things." 
 
 The Major paused to give his undivided attention 
 to a sandwich he had constructed of half a walnut 
 and an almond, interlaid with a plump raisin. 
 It is a kind of sandwich which goes very well with 
 burgundy, and the Major was drinking burgundy. 
 
 "Has he, that man, you speak of, come to New 
 York?" asked Mrs. Max, with slightly anxious 
 brow. 
 
 Some of the Major s Western friends are a trial 
 to his wife, for she finds difficulty in adjusting her 
 placid ideas to the degree of breeziness she ob 
 serves in their view of things. 
 
 "No," answered the Major. "McEwen, I re 
 gret to say, is not here. But I was reminded of
 
 314 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED. 
 
 him to-day by a talk I had with a Western artist. 
 Mac, you know I think I have mentioned it to 
 you is the author of that charming book, now 
 out of print, How to be Esteemed, Though 
 Witty. What recalled him to mind to-day was 
 a remark made by my Western artist, that he 
 proposed to write a book entitled How to be Ap 
 preciated, Though Western. 
 
 Mrs. Max was silent for some time, holding her 
 glass of wine against the light, so that it reflected 
 a dancing ruby on her bare arm, before she an 
 nounced seriously : 
 
 " I do not think }-our friend, the writer, could 
 have been in earnest, for he must have known that 
 really nice people never are witty. Perhaps he 
 was only joking ; so many of those Western peo 
 ple seem to be jokers, though whatever they do 
 that for, I m sure!" 
 
 "You may be right, my dear," said the Major, 
 judicially, although I am not so sure as you are. 
 Perhaps McEwen holds the theory that wit is not 
 an accomplishment, but a failing. He may have 
 been actuated in writing his book by the exalted 
 though seemingly hopeless purpose of the distin 
 guished author of that recent work, How to be 
 Healthy, Though Sick. But you never can tell 
 about those Westerners."
 
 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED. 315 
 
 "I should think not!" exclaimed Mrs. Max 
 decidedly. "There is that Bob Billings. He 
 does say the most foolish things sometimes. He 
 told Mrs. Jack Daring the other day that he ex 
 pected to be ordered back soon to his regiment on 
 the frontier, although he hoped to have been as 
 signed to some nice duty here or in Washington. 
 His only chance now, he said, was in getting 
 interviewed in the papers about his change in 
 politics. Mrs. Jack asked him what the change 
 was, and he said he had become a Republican as a 
 forlorn hope. The idea of as well-bred a man as 
 Mr. Billings being a Republican ! Why, his sis 
 ter is one of the best dressed women in our set." 
 
 "What you say," remarked the Major, crushing 
 a walnut into a flat mass with the nutcracker, 
 " proves that Bob has been out West too long to 
 retain that degree of respect for political phenomena 
 which should always mark the officer and gentle 
 man who longs for soft assignments. I shall send 
 Bob my copy of How to be Esteemed, Though 
 Witty. " 
 
 " Do you know," said Mrs. Max, in a tone which 
 she adopts to denote her opinion that the Major is 
 talking unenlightened stuff, "do you know that 
 Bob Billings needs only a wife to make him a very 
 acceptable man."
 
 316 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED. 
 
 " But would he not prove himself acceptable if 
 he proved that he could get a wife?" 
 
 "I m sure I don t see how. Bachelors of his 
 age can never be popular with more than one 
 woman at a time. Nobody wants always to be 
 meeting a man who is likely to be very much in 
 love with some other woman." 
 
 "If I rightly follow all the subtleties of your 
 reasonings, madam, an unmarried man is pretty 
 sure to be in love with some woman, and a mar 
 ried man is pretty sure not to be." 
 
 "Why, of course. That s what makes the un 
 married ones not nice." 
 
 " Yet it has been said that all the world loves a 
 lover." 
 
 " Well, who ever said that meant a young lover? 
 They don t count, don t you see?" 
 
 " I am slowly beginning to see. It is because 
 Bob has reached an age when he does count as a 
 lover, that, if he is sensible of the advantages of 
 being popular, he should forthwith put himself out 
 of danger of being in love by getting married." 
 
 Mrs. Max allowed the Major to fill her glass, 
 and thoughtfully sipped her burgundy before she 
 answered : 
 
 "That s not exactly it, Major; and I don t sup 
 pose that you could exactly understand, being only
 
 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED. 317 
 
 a man. Society is made and managed by married 
 women. They want the men they see the most of 
 in society to be free to admire any of them more 
 than a man in love with some one else could, don t 
 you see? How could a man who is not married 
 do that and still be nice, don t you know? It s 
 very stupid of you not to see what I mean." 
 
 " But I am merely a man. However, is it like 
 this? Bob I used this name as he is the horrible 
 example being a bachelor, and past the age when 
 he can be loved by all the world merely for being 
 in love, is in danger of becoming socially objec 
 tionable because he cannot adopt that catholicity 
 of affection which, to my infinite delight, you as 
 sure me society approves in a married man." 
 
 " I never said anything about affection, Major. 
 Nobody wants anybody s affection except his wife. 
 All anybody wants is that the men she meets shall 
 be just as free to admire her as anybody else. 
 And he must understand the kind of admiration 
 that is wanted. A married man knows that: it s 
 about all they do learn by getting married, and it s 
 little enough sacrifice to make for the sake of being 
 endurable, I m sure." 
 
 " At last, madam, a great light breaks in upon 
 my masculine understanding. Matrimony, as you 
 have so lucidly explained, is the process of refining
 
 318 HOW TO BE ESTEEMED. 
 
 an education which develops man from a puny 
 plant, dwarfed and stunted by the chill air and 
 meagre soil of bachelorhood into a hundred-leaved 
 rose that sheds the favor of its perfume, and the 
 sweetness and light of its full-bloom culture, upon 
 all who come within the circle of its radiance." 
 
 "Burgundy always makes you talk nonsense, 
 Major. What I mean is that, if Mrs. Jack Dar 
 ing would only leave Bob Billings alone, I could 
 marry him off inside of a year to a girl who has 
 money enough for him to retire from the army on. 
 Then one could invite him to dinner without the 
 danger of having to listen to a lot of ravings about 
 Mrs. Jack s doings."
 
 THE NEW EDITOR.
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 mining-camp editor is either highly es 
 teemed by the community in which he lives, 
 or else is its most despised member. He can oc 
 cupy no inconspicuous middle ground, unelated 
 by the love or undepressed by the scorn of his 
 fellows. He must rank high or low; he must 
 share the distinguished regard of the camp with 
 the proprietor of the most popular faro bank, the 
 most daring stage-driver, and the gentleman to 
 whose credit the greatest number of fatal shooting 
 affairs have been recorded, or else he is degraded 
 in the estimation of the camp to the level of the 
 check guerrilla, the unsuccessful claim -jumper, 
 and the Chinese laundryman. 
 
 It would be a difficult task to explain to an effete 
 community what causes go to produce either of 
 these results. Even those editors who have been 
 the subjects of mining-camp likes and dislikes 
 have not all been able to explain the phenomena 
 satisfactorily. Of course such causes as a dis 
 inclination to drink every time one is asked, a 
 lack of editorial vigor in abusing neighboring 
 
 camps and in extolling his own, or a disposition 
 321
 
 322 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 to condemn the sprightly spirits of his camp when 
 its manifestation has taken the form of a small- 
 sized street battle such causes, manifestly, are too 
 obvious to require any explanation as to the offend 
 ing editor s unpopularity. So, too, nothing need 
 be said in explaining the popularity of a,n editor 
 whose controversy with a neighboring contempo 
 rary has resulted in a shooting affair, or whose 
 influence with a Congressman has secured the 
 building of United States post-roads, which are 
 never thereafter used except by ore and other 
 freight wagons between mines and mills. 
 
 But there were many instances of popularity 
 and disesteem of Nevada mining - camp editors 
 which remained hidden mysteries not only to the 
 friends of the editors, but to the editors them 
 selves. In one instance, and this was my own 
 experience, the cause was never fully understood 
 but by two persons, myself and one other; and, 
 except that the one other has recently encountered 
 the disadvantage of non-existence, the secret would 
 3 et remain unexplained. This was the under 
 standing: "If you hear tell of me passing in my 
 checks, then you can write a piece about it. If 
 you write a piece about it before then why, what 
 I said goes." 
 
 That was the agreement as stated by Long Bill,
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 323 
 
 as honest a gambler as ever turned a card in 
 Nevada. 
 
 I kept my part of the agreement, when to have 
 broken it would have settled one of the most acri 
 monious disputes that ever enlivened the pages of 
 the Nevada press. How I achieved my popularity 
 was a question which distracted, almost to the 
 point of insanity, nearly every editorial mind in 
 the State; and in the discussion of the question I 
 had a more illuminating opportunity to see myself 
 as others saw me than I really cared for. Read 
 ing the exchanges was one of the least cheerful of 
 my duties those days. Some of the papers even 
 went so far as to deny the fact, and endeavored to 
 rob me of my glory by diverting the controversy 
 from the question as to how my popularity had 
 been achieved, through raising doubts, as I have 
 said, as to the facts. I recall that Sam Davis, of 
 the Carson Appeal, was one of those who came to 
 scoff. He asserted that the thing was preposter 
 ous, because he had heard from my camp that I 
 had employed a miner s widow to make some table 
 napkins for me which I kept, and used, at the res 
 taurant. Then there was Arthur McEwen, of the 
 Gold Hill News. He supported Davis charge with 
 the assertion that the fact was known that I had 
 my clothes made at the Bay (San Francisco), a
 
 324 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 circumstance too damaging to be offset by any 
 editor except one with ordinary intelligence. 
 Therefore, he maintained, the reports of my popu 
 larity "must be malignant lies, born of a tender 
 foot conceit, and nurtured by the pitiful pride of a 
 perennial popinjay." 
 
 I mention this discussion not in the spirit of 
 exultation, now that my day of vindication has 
 come, for the fact was generally admitted at the 
 time, and I believe has since been acknowledged 
 even by my detractors. I merely wish to show, by 
 what I have thus far written, that the incident 
 was of no mere local importance but excited a 
 State-wide controversy; and that I am therefore 
 now justified, not only in asserting the fact, but 
 in explaining, at this first honorable opportunity, 
 the mystery which has surrounded it. 
 
 Late one afternoon the members of the staff of 
 the Virginia City, Nevada, Chronicle were all 
 seated in breathless silence in the editorial room, 
 for the paper had just been printed and each man 
 was engaged in that most fascinating occupation 
 in life, reading in type the "stuff" he had just 
 written. When attention had become listless, 
 when we began reading what the others had 
 written, the silence was broken by the editor, 
 who remarked carelessly: "Oh, any one here
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 325 
 
 want to go to Bodie to take charge of a 
 paper?" 
 
 He had received a letter from a man who had 
 the reputation on the Pacific Coast of starting a 
 newspaper in every camp he ever stopped in over 
 night. That man had started a paper in Bodie, 
 the youngest camp on the Coast, and had written 
 to our editor for a young man to run it. 
 
 I wanted to go. I wanted to see a new mining- 
 camp, and I went. 
 
 " You are inclined to be a little too personal in 
 your stuff, " the editor said to me as he bade me 
 good-by. "Bear that in mind, and I guess you ll 
 get along all right. If you get tired of the job, you 
 can come back here if you re still able-bodied." 
 
 Bodie is, or was, for I am not certain it still ex 
 ists, on top of the Sierra Nevadas, within two or 
 three miles of the Nevada State line; and about 
 the same distance over the line, in Nevada, is the 
 mining-camp of Aurora. The latter had been a 
 big camp in the early sixties, had been totally 
 deserted, and was revived by the discoveries in 
 Bodie. In Aurora there were several brick build 
 ings, and in one, which had been a court-house 
 during the camp s first existence, was the plant of 
 the Bodie paper, there not yet being newspaper 
 accommodations in the California town. The pro-
 
 326 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 jector of the paper thought he might as well utilize 
 his plant to give Aurora a paper, too. So, after a 
 twenty-four-hours stage-coach climb up the moun 
 tains from Carson to Aurora, I found that instead 
 of being the editor of one, I was to be doubly 
 exalted twice crowned: the sole editor of two 
 papers, both weekly, and representative of the 
 sovereign interests of two States ! 
 
 It had been raining and freezing during the last 
 dozen miles of our journey, a dozen miles up. a hill 
 more nearly perpendicular than I had supposed 
 was available for stage roads, and the driver and 
 I had to be lifted from the top of the stage, for our 
 clothing was as stiff as boards. When we had 
 been helped into the principal camp saloon, in 
 front of which the stage stopped, the driver jerked 
 his arm at me, a motion which caused his coat- 
 sleeve to crackle with sharp reports and send a 
 shower of ice on the floor. It also directed general 
 attention to me, and then he whispered hoarsely : 
 "The new editor." 
 
 Ah, the joy of that moment ! It was supreme ! 
 
 Several men who had been roasting themselves 
 around a tall, pear-shaped, red-hot stove arose, 
 bowed, and ceremoniously helped me off with my 
 frozen coat, cap, woollen muffler, and the gunny- 
 sacks wrapped round my boots.
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 327 
 
 The group around the faro-table turned from 
 their play and regarded me with looks of friendly 
 welcome, the dealer, lookout, and casekeeper nod 
 ding to me with dignity, tempered with kindness. 
 The barkeeper solemnly pushed a bottle and 
 glasses across the bar and said, with grave polite 
 ness : " On the house." I revived myself " on the 
 house," and immediately thereafter committed my 
 first error in that camp a sin of omission. 
 
 " You should have asked the boys what would 
 they have," said Mr. Julius Faxon, the owner of 
 the faro-bank, whom I did not meet at the time of 
 my arrival, but who thereafter became my friend, 
 philosopher, and guide. 
 
 "But," I explained, "I did not have money 
 enough to treat all the men in the place." 
 
 Jule I afterward learned to know and love him 
 as " Jule" regarded me with as near an approach 
 to surprise as his austere countenance permitted, 
 and said : 
 
 " That would have made no difference. It was 
 the proper thing for you to do; the barkeep knowed 
 it was the proper thing, and he d a served the boys 
 what they wanted even if he knowed you hadn t a 
 bean, and every last one of them had a ordered 
 wine." 
 
 To some extent the language of the Bay prevails
 
 328 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 in the Coast mining camps, and in San Francisco 
 "wine," as a convivial order, means only cham 
 pagne. 
 
 But I failed to do the proper thing ; instead of 
 asking the boys what they d have, I asked the 
 way to the newspaper office. It was but a little 
 way up the road toward Last Chance Hill, and I 
 easily found it, as it was in the only two-story 
 brick building in the camp. 
 
 At that time I did not know what a vast differ 
 ence it would make in my career there whether I 
 became personally popular or otherwise. I was 
 for several days wholly absorbed in the affairs of 
 my two weekly papers. The written instructions 
 left by the proprietor of the paper were, in my 
 opinion, easily followed. They were to get out a 
 spicy paper; to insert an advertisement of every 
 person doing business in either camp, and charge 
 what I thought "was right"; to print all the 
 United States Land-Office and mining assessment 
 notices sent to me by the land agents and mining 
 secretaries, and leave it to those officials to deter 
 mine the rate of payment, allowing them twenty 
 per cent commission on what they paid; and, gen 
 erally, to "whoop up" the camp. When, with 
 the aid of the three printers, who were the only 
 other persons employed on the papers, I had put
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 329 
 
 things in running order, and had mastered the 
 mysteries of the Washington press on which we 
 worked off our editions, I began to investigate the 
 sources of local news. I found these to be in the 
 express agent, the assayer, the mining superintend 
 ent, and Mr. Jule Faxon. I arranged with the 
 stage company for a box-seat twice a week on the 
 Bodie stage., and visited the new camp over the 
 State line on Saturdays and Tuesdays for local 
 news for the Bodie Weekly. 
 
 On my first trip over to Bodie a fellow-passen 
 ger on the box was Jule, whom I knew then 
 neither by name nor by occupation. It was a 
 glorious clear November day, and as we swung 
 down the grade of the gorge and passed the big 
 brick mill of the period of Aurora s former great 
 ness which was being restored for renaissance ser 
 vice, we turned into the canon whose walls, for 
 hundreds of feet above the road, were steep steps 
 of sombre granite supporting receding heights of 
 gloomy, almost black, pine-covered peaks, and at 
 last burst into one of those tiny, smiling, sun- 
 washed valleys which must have been created on 
 one of Nature s holidays, as a study in detail, 
 while she was at work on the vast crags with 
 which she finished that masterpiece, the Sierra 
 Nevada. It must have been that my interest in
 
 330 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 the view was too intense to make me aware, at the 
 time, that none of the questions I carelessly asked 
 my companions were answered, nor even noticed. 
 This was brought to my attention by an incident 
 which drew from me a specific question, which 
 was answered ; arid then it occurred to me that it 
 was the first reply I had received. As we were 
 proceeding soberly along over the level bed of the 
 little valley a Sierra Nevada driver never hurries 
 except on dangerous grades we met another 
 stage. That and ours stopped. The two drivers, 
 after halting their teams, raised their muffled arms 
 in a ceremonious salute, dropped them to their 
 sides, produced each a flask, each drank, and 
 nodded to the other as he did so, and both drove 
 on. Not a word was exchanged. 
 
 " Who was that?" I asked our driver. I should 
 not have cared had he not answered, for my mind 
 was already busy composing a description of the 
 view before me, and concerned only in a chase of 
 contrasting terms which should suitably picture 
 the black green of the pines in the canon, and the 
 light yellow greens of a clump of willows ahead of 
 us growing near a pool already frozen around its 
 puncturing grasses. But the action of the driver 
 attracted my attention. My question seemed first 
 to stupefy him. Then he turned toward me with
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 331 
 
 the heavy, effortful movement of a seal on land, 
 regarded me a moment with painfully manifest 
 disgust, and said slowly : 
 
 "Hank Monk." 
 
 The name meant nothing to me, for I did not 
 then recall the story about Horace Greoley s 
 mountain ride in Monk s stage, and I proceeded 
 with my composition. I was soon interrupted by 
 my fellow-passenger, who, up to that time, had 
 not spoken a word. 
 
 " You are the new editor?" he asked politely. 
 
 " I am," I answered, glowing with pride. 
 
 We rode on for five mmtues before he spoke 
 again, and as he did so ho pointed carefully to the 
 clump of willows I had noticed. 
 
 " It was right over there," he said in a judicial 
 tone, sighting his index finger with an air of 
 wanting to be exact, " it was right over there we 
 killed the last one." 
 
 For one chilly moment all the sun and joy went 
 out of that valley for me, but I was revived by the 
 thought of a witticism which might be worked 
 into a very fair paragraph. 
 
 "Where," I asked, forcing a smile, to indicate 
 the joke, " where did you kill the one before him?" 
 
 I was mentally concluding the paragraph (I re 
 solved not to waste it on one of my weeklies, but
 
 332 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 to send it to the Bay), and had reached the line 
 "thereupon the driver and my fellow passenger 
 burst into roars of laughter, and passing me a 
 bottle insisted " when my blissful reverie was 
 disturbed by Jule. He spoke again in a calm, 
 impartial tone : 
 
 "The one afore the last we didn t kill. He was 
 shot, though, right over there." 
 
 He pointed to a second clump of willows, which 
 seemed to me distressingly like the first. Then I 
 discovered another, and still more clumps, and, in 
 fact, realized that any dainty little bit of land 
 scape is utterly ruined by duplication. It was a 
 commonplace little valley, after all. " He was 
 shot," continued Jule, who seemed to think I was 
 thinking about what he said, "by a gentleman 
 who never failed to kill before." 
 
 "Nor since," interrupted the driver, regarding 
 Jule with admiration. 
 
 " If," said Jule deprecatingly, " if the gentleman 
 ain t failed to kill since it ain t for me to say. 
 His failure that time was a disappointment to the 
 camp, which in them days was likely to buck 
 when it was disappointed." 
 
 "But that editor," continued Jule, "squared 
 things most beautiful. In the occurrence his leg 
 was shot off by the gentleman who asked him out.
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 333 
 
 Being as how he couldn t stand for a second shot, 
 the carnp therefore resolved in meeting assembled 
 that the editor should preach a sermon over his 
 leg. The remain was kept in ice, and when the 
 editor was able to attend we had a funeral at 
 which he preached a sermon over his late mem 
 ber, which sermon was subsequent thereto printed 
 in a piece the Bay papers wrote about the occur 
 rence. " 
 
 It was what I heard on that stage ride to Bodie 
 that vividly impressed me with the fact that there 
 was something more than a sentimental considera 
 tion concerned in the question of my popularity. 
 I thought upon the subject seriously, and felt 
 greatly relieved when I heard from one of the 
 printers that in the discussion over my merits 
 which took place around Jule s faro-table that im 
 portant person was inclined to be friendly to me 
 not friendly in a partisan sense, but as one who 
 contended for a suspension of judgment. This 
 was something ; much, even, as I recalled those 
 willow clumps. 
 
 "He s only a kid," Jule had urged when the 
 camp expressed indignation at my not knowing 
 Hank Monk. " He s only a kid yet, and like as 
 not was in the East when Hank drove Horace 
 Greeley; and while I don t deny that a man as
 
 334 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 sets hisself up to be a editor and don t know Hank 
 Monk is as bad as a prospector not knowing iron 
 pyrites from flake gold, still he s got time to 
 learn." 
 
 This helped. I saw it in the attitude toward 
 me of the principal men in the camp. Sometimes 
 the faro-dealers, off duty, would come to my office 
 and report the movements of their fellows, whereof 
 I made up a valuable department of "Personal 
 Gossip"; the stage agent would supply me with a 
 list of "Arrivals and Departures," and the super 
 intendent of the Last Chance mine would call to 
 give me some mining news and get a few ex 
 changes. Still, I realized that these acts were 
 prompted more by kindness than friendliness, and 
 that I was still on debatable ground, with a wil 
 low clump on one side of me and perfect social 
 equality on the other. It was at this stage of my 
 experience that that unfortunate napkin incident 
 occurred. A miner who had struck an unexploded 
 dynamite cartridge with his pick and had been 
 scattered up a shaft, had left a widow able to do 
 plain sewing, a fact I had added to my report of 
 the accident, at the suggestion of my friend Jule. 
 As every man in camp had ordered some sewing 
 done by the widow, and paid her in advance, her 
 worldly condition had been vastly improved by
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 335 
 
 the cartridge accident; and as Jule took pains to 
 point out that my notice in the paper had contrib 
 uted to her prosperity, the accident had indirectly 
 benefited me as much as the widow. My order to 
 her had been for some table napkins. I had asked 
 for one at the restaurant; but the waiter had in 
 formed me, in effect, that if the style of the house 
 was not up to my requirements, I could starve, go 
 back to the Bay, or go to another place equally, 
 though less favorably, renowned for its climate. 
 When the widow brought the napkins to me, I 
 carried them to the restaurant, and reserving one 
 for my use gave the others to the waiter, with a 
 request that one be supplied to me at each meal. 
 While I was dining Jule came in and seemed 
 about to sit down at my table, but changed his 
 mind as he saw me lift the napkin from my lap. 
 He passed on then to another table, where he 
 joined a party to whom the waiter had already 
 made confidences which caused considerable ex 
 cited discussion, and I gradually became conscious 
 that I was its subject. 
 
 "You hadn t ought to done it," Jule said after 
 dinner, when he called on me in my office. "I 
 don t speak from no ignorant prejudice agin the 
 style," he added, "for when I go to the Bay I tuck 
 my napkin under my chin along with the other
 
 336 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 swells at the Maison Doree and the Poodle Dog 
 restaurants. But here the boys look at it like 
 things wasn t good enough for you. When you re 
 in Rome play the game as the Romans play it, 
 and don t try and ring in no new rules, as Shake 
 speare says." 
 
 I abandoned the napkin from that moment, but 
 I was made to feel that Jule was having a hard 
 time fighting my battle, and that another serious 
 offence on my part might end my term of proba 
 tion with an unfavorable verdict. 
 
 It was only a few days later that the incident 
 occurred which finally concluded with my victory. 
 Jule owned a faro-bank in Bodie also, where a 
 rival bank was run by a gentleman I never knew by 
 any other name than Long Bill. The episode be 
 gan when there came to Bodie a prosperous-look 
 ing, elderly man, accompanied by a young woman 
 concerning whose beauty and style the most ex 
 travagant reports were current. These stories 
 were all the more entertaining because of the un 
 certainty which characterized them. That is to 
 say, the young woman was reported to be plump 
 and fragile, dark and fair, dressed in blue and 
 dressed in red, according, as it seemed to me, to 
 the preferences in such matters of those who 
 spread her fame. Few saw her. She, and the
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 337 
 
 elderly man who was said to be her uncle, arrived 
 in Bodie from the California side, and at night. 
 They went to the hotel, which occupied the one 
 floor above Long Bill s faro-bank, and the lady 
 seldom left her room. 
 
 Her uncle was much about the camp, and said 
 he was looking for a likely mill site, something 
 which every man in camp had to sell. Although 
 the rest of the camp saw little or nothing of her, 
 Long Bill, it was rumored, dined daily with the 
 fair stranger and her uncle. One day both camps 
 were thrown into such an excitement as had not 
 shaken them since the bonanza was struck in the 
 Standard mine: Long Bill and the fair stranger 
 had eloped, had gone to Carson by private convey 
 ance! 
 
 I hastened to Bodie to get the particulars, and 
 held back the issue of the Bodie Weekly half a 
 day to print the story. I wrote a good story. I 
 felt when I was writing it that I was in the vein, 
 and expected that the playful particulars I men 
 tioned incidentally, such as Long Bill s artless 
 unconventionally in neglecting to marry the lady 
 before they started on a two-day journey, would 
 do much to rehabilitate me in the estimation of 
 even those who were most pronounced in their 
 condemnation of the napkin incident. The story
 
 338 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 included an interview with the enraged uncle, who 
 had sworn to follow the couple to Carson and shoot 
 Long Bill on sight, with my comment that this 
 threat, if it reached the ears of " Attenuated Wil 
 liam," might induce him to continue his wedding 
 journey around the world. 
 
 I helped the printers swing the lever of our 
 Washington press that night until we had run off 
 not only the regular edition, but fifty extra copies, 
 and then went to my bed to dream of to-morrow s 
 triumphs. 
 
 The first man I met the next morning was one 
 of Long Bill s faro-dealers, a pleasant, smooth 
 faced young man, who was just embarking on the 
 stage for Carson. I noticed with pleasure that he 
 had a copy of the Weekly in his hand. He re 
 garded me, I thought, with a puzzled look as he 
 said: 
 
 " I ve just read your piece, and 
 
 "Rather peppery, eh?" I interrupted, trying 
 not to look too much pleased. 
 
 His puzzled look increased, and he said after a 
 moment s silence : 
 
 "Do you know Long Bill?" 
 
 "I never happened to meet him." 
 
 "I thought not," said the young man, softly. 
 "I ll show him your piece when I get to Carson."
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 339 
 
 I attributed his lack of enthusiasm, or whatever 
 it was his manner indicated, to the fact that he 
 was an employee of Long Bill. But the situation 
 failed to improve. A little group was standing in 
 front of the express office, to whom the agent was 
 reading my article aloud. He stopped as I ap 
 proached, and they all regarded me with surprise, 
 which seemed mixed with pity. The agent spoke 
 to me: 
 
 " Do you know that is, have you ever met 
 Long Bill?" he asked. 
 
 " 1 never had that pleasure, " I answered, some 
 what tartly, for, although the question may have 
 been innocent enough, the manner of the speaker, 
 and of the whole group, impressed me as offensive. 
 I hurried down to the saloon. I had never till 
 then felt the need of a stimulant before breakfast; 
 I had that feeling then. Instead of the polite at 
 tention to my wants which the barkeeper usually 
 gave me, he greeted me with a stare of un 
 disguised wonder. 
 
 "Do you know Long Bill?" he gasped. 
 
 I left the place without answering, and hur 
 ried to the restaurant. The waiter, grinning, 
 brought my dozen napkins and piled them on the 
 table. 
 
 " I don t want these," I said severely.
 
 340 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 "Better pack em off with you," he answered. 
 "They ll be useful for bandages." 
 
 "Bandages?" 
 
 " Cert, Don t you know Long Bill?" 
 
 I confess that, while my article had created 
 more of a sensation than I had even hoped for, I 
 was depressed. I wanted to see Jule. He was a 
 professional rival of Long Bill, and that fact had 
 prompted some of the most cutting witticisms in 
 my article at Bill s expense. As I was walking 
 slowly back to the office I started nervously when 
 a hand was laid on my shoulder. It was Jule, 
 and as I looked at him my heart sank; his face 
 expressed pain and deep sympathy. 
 
 "I ve been reading your piece, my boy," he 
 said, sadly, "and the more I read it the more I 
 couldn t make it out, no how, till I happened to 
 think, as you re not an old-timer, maybe it was 
 possible you didn t know Long Bill." 
 
 I felt, in spite of the seriousness of his tone, that 
 Jule was still my friend, and that I could ask him 
 certain particulars about Long Bill which I had 
 come to realize, within the last hour, it was well 
 for me to know, and that it would have been bet 
 ter for me to have known before I wrote my article. 
 
 "No," said Jule, reflectively, "there ain t noth 
 ing you can know that would do any good now.
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 341 
 
 Bill won t take no advantage of you; he never 
 done that to any of em, for he never needed to." 
 
 He walked along in silence by my side until we 
 reached the office door ; there he shook hands with 
 me sorrowfully, and said : 
 
 " If you think of it to-day you might write out 
 a few things and give em to me." 
 
 "A few things? I don t understand," I said 
 nervously. 
 
 "Why," explained Jule, and he seemed to be a 
 bit embarrassed, "a few things you might like to 
 have me, as your friend, know : the address of 
 your folks back East, for instance. I won t mind 
 the expense, for I ll always allow that you was a 
 promising kid." 
 
 Then he left me. 
 
 The week that followed was one of torture to 
 me. To be sure my treatment by the men in the 
 camp grew no worse; in fact, such slight inter 
 course as they held with me was rather more 
 kindly. But there were many things which wor 
 ried me and seemed ominous. The exchanges 
 from the near-by camps, which had stolen many 
 of my brightest articles theretofore without credit, 
 ignored the elopement story altogether, or else 
 gave it only brief and polite mention, and invari 
 ably with credit. Even the great dailies printed
 
 342 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 in Carson and Virginia City contained only 
 guarded allusions to the incident, and in some of 
 them I was quoted by name as authority for the 
 facts. While I worked I kept a knife and a pistol 
 in the open drawer of my desk. When I went 
 abroad, these weapons were close to my feverish 
 hand. I had obtained an accurate personal de 
 scription of Long Bill which I imparted to my force 
 of printers, and we planned that if he entered the 
 office and became belligerent, we should make a 
 united attack I with my deadly weapons, the 
 foreman with a mallet, and the other two printers 
 with a side-stick and shooting-stick, tools of their 
 trade. 
 
 The pursuit of journalism under such conditions 
 cannot be made a brilliant success, as I sadly ad 
 mitted when looking over the chastened pages of 
 the following Weekly. It was while I was doing 
 this that the young chap, Long Bill s dealer, who 
 went to Carson with the fateful copy of the 
 Weekly, entered the office and said to me politely : 
 
 " I seen Bill in Carson, and he asked me to stop 
 in and tell you, with his compliments, that when 
 he comes back he s going to cut your heart out." 
 
 He bowed and retired. 
 
 Sooner than I expected, only two days after his 
 ambassador, Bill arrived. I learned the story of
 
 " AUK YOU THE EDIT 
 
 OR? HE ASKED SOFTLY. "Page 343.
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 343 
 
 his approach to my office afterward, but it should 
 be told here. He returned on the Carson stage, 
 and was greeted at the saloon by a large crowd, 
 for the news of his coming had reached the camp 
 a few hours in advance of the stage by the driver 
 of a private conveyance who had passed him at the 
 foot of the grade. No allusion was made to the well 
 understood object of his visit, nor to its cause, not 
 even when the crowd accepted his invitation to the 
 bar. There was a little professional gossip about 
 affairs in Carson, and then Bill strode out of the sa 
 loon and toward my office, followed by a large dele 
 gation. They halted outside, at Jule s suggestion. 
 
 "We better stay here, bcrj-s," he said. "If it 
 was any one but Bill, one or two of us might go in 
 to see fair play." 
 
 Bill had almost reached my desk before I looked 
 up, and even then I think I was attracted by the 
 excited movements of the printers. There could 
 be no doubt as to his identity : an unusually tall 
 man, with loose, stooping shoulders, brown, close- 
 cut hair, gray at the temples, a short gray and 
 brown mustache, deep-set brown eyes, and with 
 four distinct knife-scars on his face. 
 
 "Are you the editor?" he asked softly. 
 
 I confess that I tried several times before I man 
 aged to answer :
 
 344 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 " I am !" 
 
 As I did so I moved my hand toward the open 
 drawer of my desk. He saw the motion and I 
 saw a quicker one made by his right hand which 
 remained in the pocket of his overcoat. 
 
 "Don t do that," he said, very quietly. "I 
 ain t going to take no advantage of you, but of 
 course I ve got a cocked gun pointed at you in my 
 pocket." 
 
 My hand rested on the edge of the open drawer. 
 I don t think I could have moved it if I had tried. 
 
 "What I have to say to you is particular," he 
 resumed, "and if these gents here," nodding 
 toward the three pale but determined printers who 
 were marshalled and armed according to our plan, 
 "will step outside a minute I will feel obliged." 
 
 At that moment I recalled what Jule had told 
 me about Bill that he would take no advantage 
 of me and the men went out at my request. 
 Long Bill then stepped to my side and asked me 
 to take his gun from his pocket. I did so and laid 
 it on the desk. He then drew from an inside 
 pocket a letter. He fumbled it from one hand to 
 the other for some time in silence, then he looked 
 at me a little curiously and smiled as he asked : 
 
 " I suppose you know Dusty Bob?" 
 
 I did not, and told him so ; thinking at the same
 
 THE NEW EDITOR. 345 
 
 time that what I seemed chiefly to lack was a more 
 extended acquaintance with Nevada s notability. 
 
 Bill continued : 
 
 " Well, that s funny, for I supposed I was the 
 only damned fool on the Coast who didn t know 
 her. I ve heard tell of her plenty of times these 
 last five years, but it just happened that we never 
 struck the same camp together. Dusty Bob is," 
 he paused and smiled grimly " well, I guess she s 
 the slickest article in her game on the whole Slope." 
 
 "What is her game?" I. asked. 
 
 "Playing suckers," answered Bill deliberately, 
 and then he added sadly, "and who would ever 
 think Long Bill would be played for such?" 
 
 A light was beginning to break in on my intel 
 ligence; but I had been taught discretion in affairs 
 that concerned my visitor, and awaited develop 
 ments in silence. He was silent, too, for some 
 time, and then he handed me the letter, with the 
 remark, " Read this." This is the letter I read: 
 
 DEAR WILLY: 
 
 By-by ; I m off for the Bay. I leave you one 
 of your diamonds and enough money to return to 
 Bodie with. I am sure you will feel that the gen 
 erous allowance I have made myself is not too 
 much for you to pay for the pleasant surprise of 
 knowing that your little sweetheart is 
 
 DUSTY BOB. 
 
 P. S. It -just strikes me that you can square
 
 346 THE NEW EDITOR. 
 
 things with that editor man by agreeing not to cut 
 his heart out if he will agree not to tell who the 
 bride was in our "wedding journey." If you kill 
 him, our story is sure to come out. D. B. 
 
 I folded the letter and returned it to its owner, 
 and as he received it he said : 
 
 " Does the game go as it lays?" 
 
 " It goes !" I answered. 
 
 " If you hear tell of me passing in my checks, 
 then you can write a piece about it. If you write 
 a piece about it before then why, what I said 
 goes." 
 
 Long Bill and I shook hands. 
 
 " Will you join me," he said, "in a drink?" 
 
 I agreed, and we walked forth from my office, 
 arm in arm. 
 
 The effect of our appearance thus upon the wait 
 ing crowd I can never describe. There was one 
 quick exclamation of amazement, which was si 
 lenced when Bill said hospitably : 
 
 " Gentlemen, will you join me and my friend, 
 the editor?" 
 
 There were no explanations, none were asked; 
 but as we walked down the street I felt that my 
 popularity was as firmly fixed in that camp as the 
 broad foundations of its mighty mountains tower 
 ing in everlasting serenity.
 
 DATE DUE 
 
 
 
 Q 8 199?.
 
 A 000 549 948
 
 3 1970 01723 2080