California 
 
 egional 
 
 ability 
 

 
 Ex Libris 
 C. K. OGDEN 
 
 334 London Life, 1729. Hell upon Earth : 
 or the Town in an Uproar. Occasion'd by the 
 late Horrible Scenes of Forgery, Perjury, Street- 
 Robbery, Murder, Sodomy . . . 8vo, half 
 roan, 10/6 1722 
 
 Opens with concise matter-of-fact descriptions of what 
 happens in London during the hours from six in the morn- 
 ing until nine at night. 

 
 I*
 
 c 
 
 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 OR THE 
 
 Town in an Uproar. 
 
 fa* "OCCASIONED BI 
 
 The late horrible Scenes of 
 Forgery., Perjury, Street- 
 Robbery, Murder, Sodomy, 
 and other fliocking Impieties. 
 
 Of the Encreafe of the 
 Hempen Manufactory and the 
 Decreafe of the Woollen Ma- 
 nufactory ; (hewing that 
 Goals and Gibbets are become 
 al as Guards and Gari- 
 fons, and Pillories as necefla- 
 ry as P ns. 
 
 Of Peoples being almoft 
 under the Neeefiity of carry- 
 ing Piftols inftead of Prayer- 
 Books to their Parifli Churches. 
 
 A furprizing Account or the 
 Numbers of People who Live 
 by preparing and vending Li- 
 quors, and of thofcthat Die by 
 drinking them: With the vaft 
 
 plenty of Difeafes and Doctors , 
 and the great Scarcity of Phy- 
 ficians. 
 
 An Account of Fox-Hunt- 
 ers , Peace-Hunters, Mo- 
 ney Hunters, Men-Hunters, 
 Whore-Hunters, Death-Hunt- 
 ers, Levee-Hunters, News- 
 Hunters. 
 
 Of the Subfcribing CorTee- 
 Mens pretty Project for print- 
 ing their Cuftomers Prittie 
 Prattle. 
 
 Of Lady B ts Necefla- 
 
 ry Houfe being broke open 
 and robb'd, as publifhed in 
 the Coffee- mens Paper, with 
 the ftrangc ErTeft it had on, 
 a Scotch Subfcribing Coffee- 
 man's Wife, who refunded her 
 Brcakfaft upon reading the 
 Relation. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for J. ROBERTS in 
 and A DODD without 7*emple*ar t 1725?, 
 (Price One Shilling.)
 
 HELL upon EARTH 
 
 R, THE 
 
 TOWN in an Uproar, 
 
 HIS great, wicked, unweildyy 
 over-grown Town, one con- 
 tinued hurry of Vice and 
 Pleafurc ; where nothing, 
 dwells but Absurdities, Abnfss^ 
 Accidents, Accnfations, Ad- 
 mirations, Adventures, Adverjities,. Adwertifo- 
 ments, Adulteries, Affidavits, Affectations, Af- 
 firmations, Afflictions, Affronts, Aggravations^ 
 Agitations, Agonies, Airs, Alarms, Ailments^ 
 Allurements, Alterations, Ambitions, Amours, 
 Amphitheatres, Anathemas, Animojitics, Anx-* 
 ieties, Appointments, Apprekenjions, Arrefts, 
 Arrogances, d]f affiliations, slffemblies, Ajjefments-j 
 AJJlirances, Affignations, Attainders^ Andac'i* 
 
 The 
 
 2015140
 
 a HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 The ttfua! Qbfervations of the SABBATH, 
 in the good Cities of London and 
 
 Q J 
 
 Weitminfter, and Parts adjacent. 
 SUNDAY. Six m the Morning. 
 
 Coaches, Chaifcs, Chairs, Phaetons, and 
 Hackney Horfcs harnefTmg and getting ready 
 for Citizens and their Wives, Doxies and 
 Daughters. Lafctvious Gentlemen and 
 Tradrfmen ftealing from their Maid Servants 
 Garrets to their own Bed-Chambers. Irijb- 
 wen meditating the Dettruccion of Maids, 
 Wives, Widows and Trades -People on 
 their Pillows, Infirm and fuperannuated 
 Letchers .plagvied in their Beds with im- 
 practicable Dejtres. News-Mongers ihventiug 
 Stories of Rapes, Riots, Robberies, &c.. for 
 their next Papers. Obfcurity, Flatnds and 
 Impertinency flowing in upon the Medita- 
 tions of certain Poetafters. 
 
 Seven o Clock. 
 
 Youfig Officers of the Army, and the Navy r 
 Dodl:ors-Commons-Men, Lawyers Clerks, and 
 Mercers Journeymen, ..cum muhis. j4liis y taking 
 their Mercurials and Hater-Gruel. Servant 
 Wenches pilfering their Miftrcflcs Teas and 
 Sugars to entertain their Vilitants in the Af- 
 ternoon. Half-Pay Officers- Laundrefies 
 
 icolding.
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 3 
 
 and refuting to deliver their Linnen without 
 wady Motiey. Beggars, Apple- Women, 
 and Shoe-Bkckers repairing to their refpe- 
 ctive Stands. Demi-Clergymen^ alias fyarijh- 
 Ckrks, putting on their Bands and grave 
 Countenances. 
 
 Right dClock. 
 
 Lawyers in the Inns of Court lacing their 
 MiftreiTes Stays,, paying them their Fees^ 
 and removing them by Habeas Corpus to their 
 own Lodgings. Bawds with Bandboxes 
 running to Mens Wives and Daughters to 
 manage Intrigues for the Evening. Ladies 
 Lap-Dogs cleaning and drefling to accompany 
 their MiftrefTes to Church. Apothecaries 
 and their 'Prentices trotting thro 1 the Streets 
 with Pills, Purges and Potions. Clear- 
 Starchcrs, Manteau-Makers Journey-Women, 
 Servants out of Place, and poor Harlots run- 
 ning upon Tick at Chandlers Shops for Tea 
 and Coffee. Barbers as bufy as Newgate 
 Sollicitors at an Old Bdily Seflions in embel- 
 Ijfhing their Cuftomers. 
 
 Nme o'clock. 
 
 Vintners Wives brawling and exercifing 
 their Lungs upon their Servants in their 
 Kitchens, F/^r-Parfons at their Stations 
 on Ludgate-Wl, looking out fharp for Wed- 
 ding* from Wktie-Cbapel and Waffling. City 
 B ^ 'Prentices
 
 4 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 'Prenticc,s drcffed fprucc at their Maftcrs 
 Poors, appointing; their Afternoons Ram- 
 bles. r Infolvcnt Debtors appear out of the 
 Verge of the Court with gay Countenances. 
 Tnformcrs begin to be in Motion in the 
 Streets. Phyiicians poring over Books as 
 they ride thro' the Town in their Chariots, 
 to give the World a Scnfe of their Religion 
 and deep Study. Whores hurrying home in 
 Hackncy-Cpaches from Bagnios to fhift their 
 Linncn. Taylors and Fcrriwig-makcrs ut- 
 tering great Numbers of Lies to their Cu,- 
 ftomcrs by commending their Airs, Shapes, 
 A-iicn, &V. People buiy in craiing out of 
 their wearing dppttrel the Wrinkles and other 
 Syi/iptoins of their having been under Dais 
 and Tribtfi&tion at the Pawnbrokers* 
 
 Ten o Clock. 
 
 Noblcmens and Gcntlcmcns Doors free from 
 Duns. Young Mi flirtefj and Sewpjlrcjfis as 
 lary in their Beds as Lifc-Guardmeu in their 
 Quarters. People of Quality's Chambcr- 
 Ik-llj ringing for their Vttlets and Abigails. 
 Churcn-WardcnSj Ovtrieers, and other Paro- 
 chial Officers, proceeding to Church Avith 
 th>:ir Families rather for form fake than De- 
 votion. - Rakes of Quality and young Stu- 
 dents in .the Inns of Court humming over 
 ./ Tunes in their Chambers. Hackney 
 Writers, Poets, and }{'dib Sollicitors coggiug 
 
 their
 
 Or, the T o w N in an Uproar. 5 
 
 their Stockings and dearning their Shirt Col- 
 Jars in order to ilfuc forth from their Garrets 
 to borrow half a Crown or beg a Dinner. 
 Smutty Jefts, loud Laughter, and fome Scandal* 
 going forward at Ladies Tea Tables. 
 
 Eleven o Clock. 
 
 Fine Fans., rich Brilliants, white Hands, 
 envious Eyes, and gold Snuff-Boxes difplay- 
 ing in all Parilli Churches. Many excellent 
 'Rotten Sermons preaching by fomc Clergymen 
 who \von't take Pains to make worfe of their 
 Oivn. Folks of Fafbion, humbling thcmfelves 
 
 J O 
 
 in Tijjne Cloth, and rich Laces, and enduring 
 the ftii!c of Divine Sen ice with wonderful 
 fccming Patience. Drunken Beggars bat- 
 tling and breaking one anothcrs Heads about 
 the Streets in dividing the Charity of oitenta- 
 tious Fools and old Women. Hackney 
 Coafbmen and Chairmen lifting up their Eyes 
 towards Heaven tor wet Heather. Jacks, 
 Spits, and tyofridge-tpots all in Motion in 
 the Cities of London and H ejlniinjlcr, and Parts 
 adjacent. Dabs of Beef, Pork, and Mutton, 
 roafting in ^Packthread Strings in the Garrets 
 of married CcUcrs^ Sorters y and ^ 
 
 Twelve at Noon. 
 
 All the Religions within the Weekly Bills 
 iff Mortality return'd by their rcfpcclive 
 
 Teachers
 
 6 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 TTeachers on the Hands of the feveral Parishes 
 they belong to. Citizens Wives, fome at 
 their Dram Bottles, and others criticiling 
 upon one another's Drefs and Behaviour at 
 Church, and throwing out little Portions of 
 Slander as a whet before Dinner. Young 
 Tradefmen, Rakes, and Lawyers-Clerks, /#;/- 
 dling and very noify in Tavern Kitchens. 
 Ladies about St. James's and Ham f uer-Square J 
 reading fylays and Novels, and making mun- 
 difying \Valhes. Begging Cripples in the 
 Streets beftowing Prayers and Benedictions 
 on their Benefactors. Hackney Coaches 
 running from Weftminjhr to Wa$pmgj Sec. 
 and from Waffling to Weftmitijler, Sic. cramm'd 
 with Men, Women and Children, going to 
 Dine with their Friends and Relations. 
 Poets and Philofophers in Motion about 
 Gray's-Jnv-Wttlks and St. 'James $**Park y wrapt 
 up in Thread-bare Coats, Study and Spe- 
 culation. Innocent People of more Merit 
 than Fortune, fitting down to homely whole- 
 feme Food with Calm Conferences. All the 
 common People's Jaws in and round this 
 greit Metropolis in full Employment. Bakers 
 and Paltry-Cooks running thro* the Streets 
 with ''Puddings and tyies that have fuffered 
 fome Jllmdgniwt in their Houfcs.
 
 Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 7 
 
 T<wo 0'ClocL 
 
 Visual lers and their Wives buly in making 
 (Punch with their worft Brandy for the Guefts 
 they have entertained at Dinner. Learned 
 Diiiertations upon the Craftfman and Fogg, 
 Figg's Amphitheatre, 'Proceedings at the Old 
 Baity) Sec. going forward in Ale-houfe Con* 
 verfations. Vintners Wives ogling and Heal- 
 ing Looks at their gay Cuftomers as they fit 
 together at Dinner behind the Bar. Church- 
 Bells and Taverns-Bells keeping Time with 
 one another. 
 
 . ' Three o Clock. 
 
 Young handlbme Wenches in Churches 
 demanding Adoration inilead of paying it. 
 Shoals of Servant Maids and ftraggling Ap- 
 prentices crowding into the Cathedrals of St. 
 ^Paul's London, and St. Jeter's Weftminfter, to 
 hear the Mufick, and when the Anthem is 
 over, fneak away. Coachmen, Footmen, 
 and Chairmen, all in an Uproar about St. 
 James's Palace. City Tradelmen with full 
 Bellies and empty Minds, gaping at the 
 Nobility and Quality as they pafs from the 
 Court. -7- The Fortunate and Great fitting 
 down to Meals of Pomp and Ceremony, at- 
 tended by fumptuous fide-Boards, Syco- 
 phants, and little Sincerity. Certain Citizens 
 and their Wives retiring to their Couches. 
 
 The
 
 8 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 The walking Gentry drove into Churches A0-' 
 Jens Volens to efcapc the Wrath of a Shower 
 rather than that of Divine Vengeance.- 
 
 Four o Clock. 
 
 Certain Ladies of Quality at uadrill^ 
 Ombre, &c. A general Jumble and Jojllei 
 from White-Chapel to Cbaring-Crofs, of Coun- 
 try Juggs, Barbers 'Prentices, Tavern Draw- 
 ers, Men and their Wives, Women and 
 their Husbands, Children, $c. Drunken 
 Bullies, Beaus, and Gameltcrs, ReligioufJy in 
 their Beds as remcmbring the Sabbath was 
 appointed for a Day of REST. Footmen, 
 Journeymen, and Apprentices, engag'd in 
 low Amours in Gentlemcns and Shopkeepers 
 Kitchens. Handicraft Tradcfmcn marching 
 to and from J/litigton and Chelfea, with their 
 Offspring in their Arms, followed by their 
 Wives, chearfully bearing the Eniigns of 
 their Duty and Obedience, viz. their Hul* 
 jbands Canes. 
 
 Five o Clock. 
 
 Hall-Pay Officers, poor Clerks in the Of- 
 fices, Drapers Journeymen, and Gentlemen 
 of the fxth Rate Popping into Pale Ale- 
 houfes. Seditious Difcourles going forward 
 in certain Jacobite Coffec-houfes, and other 
 private Publick-houfes in the dark Corners 
 of the Town. Men, Women and Children, 
 
 returning
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. $ 
 
 returning into Town from the Fields as hun- 
 gry as Hitgonots newly landed from Callais. 
 Women at their Tea Tables fitting like Co- 
 roners Inquefts upon the murdered; Reputa- 
 tions of their Neighbours. A general Chit- 
 Chat, tittle-tattle, admiring and commend- 
 ing, approving and difapproving of Womens 
 Drefics, their Manteau-Makers^ Milliners^ & 
 
 Six o'clock. 
 
 Hired Servants got together railing at$ 
 and reviling the Families that entertain them, 
 and advancing the old Doctrine of there be- 
 ing more Places than Qarijb Churches. Sober 
 Families going to Evening-Lectures, or per- 
 forming religious Duties at home. Pick 
 Pockets following to rob them. Rakes and 
 Reprobates running into Bawdy-Houfes and 
 Taverns; FootSoldiers drunk withGeneva. 
 People of Qualities Servants juft got to Din- 
 ner. Trcntices prattling Politicks in tipling 
 Houfcs. Drunken Chriftenings and Funerals 
 going forward at St. Giles's in the Fields, 
 Stepney and Cripplegate Parimes, &V. 
 
 Seven o'clock, 
 
 The celebrated Mother Hy~d Curling,. 
 Rending, and Roaring at her Maids andDraw- 
 ers, to drown the Cries and Groans of de- 
 parting Maidenheads. Coffee-houfes crowded 
 with powder'd Fops. Scarce one third of 
 G the
 
 io HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 the common People fober. Pamper'd Foot- 
 men and Flambeaux flying before the Coaches 
 and Chairs of vifitino: Ladies at the Court 
 
 tl/ 
 
 Eind of the Town. 
 
 Eight o Clock. 
 
 The principal Streets fill'd wrth Whores, 
 Shoe-makers, Butchers, joiners, and all forts 
 of Handicraft Tradesmen palling and re- 
 pafling one another. ^Prentices and their 
 Sweethearts taking their parting Kifles. 
 Lady E , Curfmg or Praying, accord- 
 ing to the run of the Dkc, 
 
 Nine oClocL 
 
 Drunken Quarrels at all Comers of the 
 Streets amongft the Mob about Precedency^ 
 Poor Wretches packing up their wearing 
 Apparel to return them early next Morn- 
 ing into the Hands of the Pawnbrokers. 
 Children, Servants, old Women, and others 
 of the fame iize of Underftanding,, plealing 
 and terrifying themfeives and one another 
 with Stories of Witches, Devils, and Ap- 
 paritions* 
 
 The various kinds of M u R T H E R which 
 are daily perpetrated in thts Town, has 
 given the considering part of Mankind much 
 Concern; for if we look back but a Ihorf 
 y we fee what dreadful Havock the <Pefile 
 
 has.
 
 Or, /&TOWN in an Uproar, is; 
 
 has made amongft us, and what Numbers 
 Hill continue to periih weekly by tpxefcrip* 
 tion. But while one part of the Creation 
 &lls by the Hands of Others, another part 
 generoufly falls by their Own; Thefe iit 
 very Morning and Evening in Taverns an4 
 Ale-houfes, ringing their own Qajfiug Bell 
 in Peace and Pleafiire. 
 
 The la# War was fo abstemious as not 
 to devour above half a fcore Thoufand of 
 our Countrymen in a whole Campaign ; but 
 what is that to the Triumphs of Qkyfak 
 and the jBctffc, within the Bills of Morta- 
 lity, which are abundantly illuft rated in thofjb 
 -elegant Weekly Records compofed to the Ho- 
 nour of Effiilapius^ and fung or faid by the 
 Company of ParilU Clerks in and round this 
 Metropolis. 
 
 A cpbyjiciaii may as foon be brought to 
 Faith and R epejaance^ or a Jew to Cmtmence^ 
 as a Perfon of Buiinels that is obliged to be 
 much abroad in this Town, to live a regu- 
 lar fober Life in it \ beiides the Crowds of 
 Acquaintances and Importunities he is lia- 
 ble to meet with ; the Vintners, Victuallers, 
 and Coffce-houfe Men, are eternally upon 
 the Watch at their Doors and Windows, hem- 
 ming after every one that paiTes, to make 
 Tippling Matches, and propagate the Do- 
 of Drinking. 
 
 C 2 Moreover
 
 ? a H E B L upon EARTH: 
 
 Moreover the vaft Preparations we daily 
 fee making for fetting up more Taverns, 
 Coffee-houses, and Tippling-houies, as if the 
 Ifland had fuffered fome wonderful Change 
 in its Clime, was removed under the Torrid 
 Zone, and fome flrange and natural Drought 
 h,ad feiz'd the Spirits of the People. In ftiort 
 their Number is already fb exceeding great, 
 that to the Honour of the Nation be it 
 fpoken, no City in the Univerfe cart boaft 
 pf fb handfome a fhow of Biffies, Bdcchus's, 
 Lattices, and Stills, as our Metropolis. 
 
 How many of his Majefties Liege Subjects 
 are drown'd every Year in Seas of Wim> 
 Welch Ale, and Qtfober? And how many La- 
 dies at twenty five declare for Brandy and 
 Arrack Punch, and fo leave Pofterity to fhift 
 for it felf^ for truly they'll breed no more ? 
 
 A poor limber-hack'd Beau at the Court 
 End of the Town, rarely holds it put above 
 two or three Years, and a Whetter about 
 the Royal Exchange as much longer, while 
 a fat over-grown Parifh Officer may make a 
 ihift to ferve a dozen Years Apprenticeship 
 to Swallowing; for having much Flefh and 
 fmall Spirit, he is a long time a wafting, 
 even as a great Candle with a little Wick, 
 will yield a dim and ftupid Light for a long 
 while together, and yet confume it felf in 
 the End.
 
 Or 3 the TOWN /;/ an Uproar. i 3 
 
 We had a late notable Inftance how de- 
 teitable this Vice begins to appear in the 
 Eyes of the Army, upon which I congra- 
 tulate the Military part of my Countrymen $ 
 and that was, when a Noble Lord, greatly 
 difguifed in Wine, was endeavouring to pafs 
 through St. 'James's Qark, the commanding 
 Officer, who was an Injbmat^ iniifted upon 
 the Letter of his Orders, to fufter no Pcr- 
 fcn whatfbever to pals with a Load^ and 
 turn'd his Lordfhip out at the Gate ac- 
 cordingly. 
 
 The prefent defection of Morals, and like- 
 wiie our want of People, I cannot altoge- 
 ther lay at the Door of the abovemehtion'd 
 Vice, but in a great meafur-e to the un-f 
 reafonable GALLANTRIES now going for- 
 ward amongft us. Have we (carce. had a 
 Marriage of any Confequence in the Town 
 for a Twelvemonth : Are not the publick 
 Papers fill'd with Elopements of Wives and 
 young Wenches, and a common Proverb 
 verrified; That a Middlefex Maidenhead is 
 to be had for asking for. A few Years ago 
 our Rakes of Quality ufed to commit Ma- 
 trimony as they did Murther, out of a Fro- 
 lick, and were ready to hang thcmfelvcs for 
 it the next Day; for we had an Inftance 
 of a fajhionabk <Pair y who for many Months 
 afterMarriage would never be brought to agree
 
 14 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 but in one thing, which was, to feparatc 
 for ever. 
 
 Indeed at St. tyancrafs and the Fleet y where 
 Marriages are retailed at reafonable Rates, 
 there fhall be fuch coupling of Beggars on 
 a Sunday Morning, that they ftand behind 
 One another, as it were in a Country Dance ; 
 but what Benefit the Publick receives from 
 fuch Alliances, I ftiall leave the Officers of 
 Pariihes to defcribe. A Man now-a-Days 
 is hardly reproachable that deludes an in- 
 nocent Woman, though fhe has never (b 
 much Merit ; if Ihe is below him in Fortune, 
 the Man has no Difhonour following his 
 Treachery ; and her own Sex are fo debafed 
 by Cuftom, as to fay in the Cafe of the 
 Woman : How could Jbe expetf he would mar- 
 ry her. 
 
 I am inclined to believe, that thc/fcBtttf6 
 Commandment ought to be kept, but I am 
 wond'rous loth to declare fo much to the 
 World > for fear of angering Folks of Fajbion ; 
 and therefore to keep Meafurcs with the 
 Quality and my own Confcience, I do hereby 
 fignify to all my loving Readers, that in 
 tyerfons of Figure, the Breaches of their mar- 
 riage Vow and Infidelity to their Yoke-Mates, 
 is not Adultery, but fomething very like 
 it. In the Man it is but taking of a 11 ~evcb y 
 and in the married Ladies 'tis only a piece 
 flf Gallantry. Now when this Sin is Chrift. 
 
 cned
 
 in an Uproar. 15 
 
 ened with fuch modiih pretty Names, it 
 frightens no Body; on the contrary, it 
 becomes even an innocent and reputable 
 thing. 
 
 As I am a publick Spirited Perfbn, and 
 have at Heart the good of my Country, as 
 does in fome Meafure appear by this humble 
 Effay, I have been long of Opinion, that 
 nothing can be more realbnable than to per- 
 mit the D4MNE&S, and SINKE&Ste 
 lend their Afliftance, to add to the finking 
 Fund of the Nation : In order to which, 
 I hope the following Scheme will neither 
 be thought extravagant nor impracticable. 
 
 Imprimis^ That for every (ingle Curfe y ex- 
 hibited by a Man or Woman of Quality, 
 during their Drefiing-time, there be impofed 
 a Fine of One Shilling. 
 
 For every Curfe in the Guard-Rooms at 
 St. James's and the Ttlt-Tard, One <Penny * 
 and becaule this, by fbme may be thought 
 too weighty a Burthen on the Gentlemen 
 of the Army in a time of Peace, as well 
 as an Infringement upon their antient Rights 
 aud tyriviledgtf, I fubmit it entirely to my 
 Superiors to mitigate it in fuch Manner, as 
 to them in their great Wifdpm &a.ll fcem 
 
 Fo*
 
 i6 HELL upon EARTH; 
 
 For every Carfe of the principal Com* 
 mander, or inferior Officer of any Ship of 
 Force or Burthen, during the time of an 
 Engagement, Storm, or other imminent Dan- 
 _ger, One Shitting. 
 
 For every fmgle Ciirfe of a CotiufeJkr^ Sol- 
 licitor, (Petty-fogger^ Bailiff^ together with 
 every other collateral Branch of the Law^ 
 Eight Tence \ unlefs fuch, can make it ap- 
 pear by the Oath of one or more credible 
 WitncfTes, that he or they, have within 
 the fpace of twelve Calendar Months, once 
 rehears'd the Lord's (Prayer, or appeared 
 within the Walls of a Church, for any other 
 Purpoie than to attend a Funeral, an In- 
 trigue, or to Ihun a Shower^ then, to plead 
 the General IfTue, and give the fpeciai Mat- 
 ter in Evidence in Bar of the Penalty con-* 
 tain'd in this Article. 
 
 For every Oath voided by the Countefs 
 : of B when her Ladymip lofes at Om- 
 bre, Two Shillings ^ except fuch Oath be an Ori- 
 ginal, and of her own compoling. 
 
 For all Oaths at the Groom-porters, and 
 at Horfe-Racing, Prize-fighting, and Cock* 
 ing, One Shilling and Six ^Pence each^ 
 ". A Perlbn lofing a Caufe either in Law of 
 'Equity, for each Oath thereupon Eight < -Pe?ice. 
 For every Oath of a difappointcd Dutimr 
 on a Saturday Six ^Pence. 
 
 AH
 
 Or, ffoTowN in an Uproar, 17 
 
 All Perfons crofled and difappoitited in 
 Love, for every Oath, ditto. 
 
 For every Curfe uttered by the Buyer of a 
 Bear in Exchange- dlley, Six ^ence, provided 
 always that this mall not extend to any Pur- 
 chafer in the Welch-Copper and Turk-Buildings. 
 
 Provided always that nothing herein con- 
 tained mall be conftrued to extend to deprive 
 the Beaus at Buttons and the Tilt-Tard, of 
 the benefit of that terrible Term, Deatb 9 
 or of any other ufeful Expletive, fuch as 
 Blood, Hell, and that excellent Englijb Parti- 
 cle Zounds, which comprehends fb much of 
 the Beauty of our Language, and which is 
 fo much received and applauded; all which 
 compofe a very graceful Parenthelis, and fup- 
 ply anyHelitation, in the Utterance or Chafme 
 in the Senfe, with great Succefs. 
 
 There is a LEVELLING PRINCIPLE 
 in humane Nature, by which all Men arc 
 animated to pull down to their own Pitch, 
 or below it, every one who by good For- 
 tune or Capacity has got above them. 
 Thofe whom we cannot overtake we abufe, 
 and by railing at Merit make our own want 
 of it the more conlpicuous. Though this 
 vile Impulfe to Slander, with which we True-r 
 Born Engtifbmcn are fo richly levened, has 
 it not in its Power to leflen or deftroy thofe 
 excellent Qualities that provoke it, yet it 
 D has
 
 i8 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 has frequently the curfed Succefs to marr their 
 Operation, and render them ufelefs by de- 
 preciating them continually, and deforming 
 them with filthy Colours, and gaining daily 
 Profelytes to its Lies, 
 
 Ihave known fuch monilrousL/<? s rais'd againit 
 x. Minifter of State, that would have drawn 
 Blufties from the Cheeks of a Bawd, or Mo- 
 deiiy from the Countenance of an .Exchange 
 Broker, for no other Reafon, but that he 
 hath fill'd his Place with vaft Sufficiency and 
 Honour, and even on an allured Confidence 
 of his having had Goodnefs and Temper 
 enough to forgive the Libellers. Nay the 
 Sacred Perlbn of M A j E s T Y it felf has not 
 efcap'd this fort of Calumny } and fb catch- 
 ing is this bale Spirit, that let out a little 
 fnarling Cur in a Corner begin the Bark, 
 and it fhall in an Inftant be handed, or ra- 
 ther mouth'd about by all - the Beagles of 
 the fame Kidney. 
 
 With what Confidence and Induftry had 
 we fome late ridiculous Reports of Changes 
 in the Adminiilration fent through the King- 
 dom. The Tripoli EmbaiTador was compli- 
 mented on his being made Mailer of the 
 Horfe; and a Bifbop had the Drums and 
 Mufick before his Door for being appointed 
 Pay-mailer of the Forces. The Command 
 of the Army was given to Boys and Girls : 
 
 In
 
 in an Uproar. 19 
 
 In fhort we had not a Statefman or a Sol* 
 dier who was not lied out of his Employ- 
 ment. 
 
 I have heard a Company of City Appren- 
 tices talk -as pertly of Affairs pretended 
 to be tranfacted in Council, as if they had 
 been at the Board and taken Minutes. 
 
 A Roman Catholick Gentleman called to 
 me one Day on Duke Humphrey's Walk in 
 the tpprk, and ask'd if I had not heard of 
 the two Dozen of Express that had brought 
 the News of the Plenipotentiaries breaking 
 up the Congrefs and one anothers Heads, 
 and running away from Sotffons. 
 
 The Fr b EmbafTador has been packing 
 
 up his Goods every Day thefe two Tears to 
 leave the Kingdom on a fuddcn and in Dif- 
 gufl: And our Minifter at Paris has been 
 as oftentimes rtcalltd. 
 
 I was told of an honeft Country Gentle-* 
 man, a conftant Reader and Admirer of 
 Mtft and the Craftfman, who had ne'er feeti 
 the Town, and was coming to it the other 
 Day from Oxford/hire on his private Affairs, 
 had been fb blinded and infatuated with this 
 fort of Intelligence^ that patting through the 
 Town of Uxbridge, where a Troop of the 
 Royal Blue Guards being drawn up, with 
 their Belts in the form of a Crofs on their 
 Backs and Breafts, he took them to be part 
 Da of
 
 20 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 of the Spanijb Army, and efcap'd in a moft 
 terrible Fright back to his Family. 
 
 To CENSURE and be C E N s u B/D, is 
 the portion of the FAIR SEX, which they 
 freely deal to each; infomuch that a Pro- 
 penlity to Back-bite is become abfolutely ne- 
 ceifary to Self-defence; for as every one of 
 them is abufed by the reft, it is but juft 
 that every one of them fhould have her Re- 
 venge by abufing the reft in their turn. Hence 
 I would in their Favour infer, that when one 
 Lady ftabs the Reputation of another, tho' 
 ever fo mortally, yet the fame muft not be 
 conftrued into Murder, but only be deemed 
 Woman Slaughter^ and committed fe dejen- 
 dendo: And indeed, if the whole Sex were 
 by general Confent to kill one another's Cre- 
 dit in this manner at all Adventures, the Crime 
 would ftill endure the like Mitigation. I grant 
 there are fome Women not fo well qualified 
 in the Art of Reviling: But then the default 
 lies in this, that either their Tongues are not 
 fo quick, which fcldom happens, or their ffl- 
 vention is flow, which is as great a Rarity ; 
 for if we peep into their Hearts and Inven- 
 tions, we fljall generally find them upon a Par 
 with their more eloquent Sifters in the Trade 
 and Myftery of Scandal : Though there be 
 fome of tic Sex that are but Dabblers, a vail 
 Majority are wonderful Proficients. I do not 
 
 pretend
 
 Or, ffoTowN in an Uproar. 21 
 
 pretend to debar the Ladies from dear Gra- 
 tification of Scandal j I would only beg them 
 to turn it into another Channel, in which it 
 might run with lefs Mifchief and Danger to 
 themfelves. As the fame Dirt which they 
 throw is for the moil part thrown upon them, 
 they ought for their own fakes, lince they 
 muft be dealing in Slander, to lay only things 
 that are galling, and not things that are quite 
 killing, which is the common Practice. In- 
 ftead of faying, Such a one is no letter than 
 the fhould be ; let them fay, Jhe is a Slattern ^ 
 and knows nothing of Drefs. For though 
 this dreadful Charge may be to her worfe 
 than the former, and far more unpardonable, 
 yet her Husband and Children may live in 
 good Credit, notwithstanding one iide of her 
 Gown hangs deeper than t'other. I am a- 
 fraid this Advice of mine will not go down 
 with 'em, though it is evidently for their 
 Advantage. It is a hard matter, if not utterly 
 impoffible, to find we good-Woman in the Town 
 who will allow that there is another good Wo- 
 man in it. She alfures hcrfelf, either from 
 Breeding, Spite, or Experience^ that they are all 
 very bad, and therefore refolves to give no 
 Quarter. Thus when her Opinion and her 
 Paffion meet, and fhe Acts both from Belief 
 .and De/ire, what can Hand before her? And 
 yet if any of her Siller Females mew that 
 they have feeling and ilrike again, or having 
 
 the
 
 2 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 the fame Opinion of her which fhe has of 
 them, treat her in the fame mrnner, jle is 
 Bety'd, and Wrong d, and Innocent, and the 
 Lord knows what. Thus the harmlefs in- 
 jured Creature feeks Abule by giving it, 
 and then laments that Ihe is repaid. 
 
 There is a VANITY incident to Men in 
 every degree and flation of Life; from the 
 higheft to the loweil ; every Perfon aims at 
 eftablifhing a Reputation, and excelling others 
 of his Profeffion ; from the Prince to the 
 Peafant, from the Court to the Dunghil this 
 Vanity does prevail : But molt Perfons have 
 indeed fb weak a Foundation to build upon, 
 theirReputation totters and falls to the Ground 
 before they can raile it to the heighth of 
 their Wilh.es : And if we were to examine 
 into the conduct of the feveral Pretenders, 
 we fhould find the true Realbn to be occa- 
 lioned by an irregular Purfuit of thofe Ho- 
 nours they aim at. 
 
 Thus we fee the Malecontent would be 
 recorded for his Loyalty, notwithftanding he 
 is always thwarting and oppoling the Intereft 
 of his Prince, and thinks he has Injuftice 
 done him if any mould difpute his Merits. 
 
 He who fcts up for a Politician, would 
 be thought the moft profound in thofe My- 
 freries, upon no better Score than that of a 
 Vociferous Qualification, and a particular 
 
 Faculty
 
 the TOWN in an Uproar. 13 
 
 Faculty of continually fwimming againft the 
 Stream. 
 
 The Churchman, who either from a want 
 of Learning or Indolence, has fcarcely attained 
 the Advantage of a Collegiate Education^ 
 upon the Merits of his Cloth only, claims the 
 Title of an eminent Divine, and holds it a 
 Crime in the Laity equal to Sacrilege to que- 
 ition his Pretenlions thereto. 
 
 The meaneft Empirick in the Kingdom 
 would fain have you think him a graduate 
 Phylkian, and his own Modefty lets him upon 
 an Equality with a Kadchffi, a Friend^ or a 
 Hale ; and if you will have the Faith to truft 
 him with your Purfe and your Perfon, he will 
 have the AfTurance to practice thereon at his 
 own Difcretion. 
 
 The leaft fmatterer in our Laws thinks him- 
 felf qualified to Hep from the Bar to the 
 'Bench) and will tell you 'tis only his own 
 Modefty is the Obftacle to his Preferment; 
 that his Qualifications are no ways inferior 
 to thofe of the beft Proficiency, only that a 
 more private Life is his Choice. 
 
 The greateft Bungler in Mechanicka would 
 be thought an Artift in his Profeffion, and 
 commence an Action of Scatidakwi Magnatum 
 againft any who fliall deny his fuperior Ex- 
 cellency. 
 
 We fee this Vanity runs through all degrees 
 and conditions of People, even the meaneft. 
 
 Perfous-
 
 24 HELL ttpon EARTH: 
 
 Perfons are affected therewith ; the very Shoe 
 Boys in the Streets aim at excelling in their 
 leveral Stations, and ftrive for Superiority in 
 the way of their Profeffions, equal with Per- 
 fons of a moft affluent Power and Condition. 
 
 But of all forts of Pride and Vanity that is 
 the oddeft, and perhaps the greateft, which con- 
 Ms in Humility : 'Tho.Butcker^ who left his Cal- 
 ling and grew a 'Squire^ has publifh'd a Print of 
 himfelf, with a Calf peeping over his Shoulder? 
 and for what end ? why not fo much to inform, 
 as to furprize the World, 'That fo great a Man 
 was once a Calf-carrier'^ for were you to 
 tell him of his former Employment, you 
 would foon find the Pride of the Gentleman 
 has but improved the Rage of the Butcher. 
 
 There is often great Pride in the contempt 
 of Pride, and I have known more Conceit 
 and Infolence in a plain primitive Coat, than 
 in an embroidered Suit ; and I am allured 
 that a great many of my Acquaintance and 
 Friends about Bitll-and-Moiitk-Jlreet) can bear 
 me out in this great Truth. 
 
 Notwithftanding that Gentlemen of the 
 SWORD are my very great Favourites, yet 
 the foolifli and inconliderate of that Profef- 
 lion, are fubje6t, as much as others, to my 
 Contempt and Cenfure. As I was fome time 
 ago taking the Air in Hide-^Park^ I faw at a 
 Pittance, a young Figure in a Military Garb, 
 
 his
 
 Of, tie TOWN in an Uproar'. 
 
 his Hat, Cue, and Cockade feem'd ready 
 pinch'd for Execution; his Sword Hilt up to 
 his Elbow, and his diflant Air look'd very 
 fmart and Soldierly ; but I was furpriz/d on a 
 hearer View to fee him flagger in his Gate, 
 his Knees contending with every little Breeze^ 
 and his "Wire-drawn Legs hardly able to fup- 
 port him ; by a black Patch on his Nofe, and 
 a Flannel Bandage round his Neck, I foon 
 guefs'd the unhappy Creature's Condition: 
 I difcovered he was an Enfign in the Guards, 
 and had the blafted Appearance of fomething 
 considerable ; yet, I own, his Wretchcdnefa 
 could not move my Companion, that a Man 
 fliould wafte thofe 'Limbs in Debauchery, 
 which he hired out for the Service of his} 
 Country, is as much a Publick Injuftice, as 
 it is a private Misfortune. Every Soldier is 
 a Servant to the State, paid and maintain'd 
 in that Capacity ; and is neither to be pitied 
 nor excufcd when at any Time he difables 
 himfclf from doing his Duty: And whatever 
 his pretended Bravery may he, he muft ceaie 
 to be an He roc that is dwindling away by a 
 filthy DiHempen I utterly exclude all thofe 
 tottering Prodigals from my Favour; for I can 
 neither defend them 1 among the Handing 
 Forces, nor can I pity them as broken 
 
 Officers. 
 
 / 
 
 E How
 
 itf HLL upon EARTH: 
 
 How fickle is the Humour of this World! 
 fiftce Michaelmas Lamps have been lighted, I 
 have not heard one Sigh at the Fall of Opera's. 
 The two Stgni&nfe that fome time ago were 
 coniiderable enough to run us into Parties^ 
 and to create Debates about their refpe&ive 
 [Excellencies, are now gone off unlamented, 
 hardly fpoken of 5 for my own Part, I retained 
 the Gentility of my Gouji to the very lail, and 
 /with great Concern bid adieu to my dear 
 Citzzotn. She and her Company left in my 
 Charge the following Properties to bedifpofed 
 of, that the good People of England might 
 have more than Songs for their Money. 
 
 An INVENTORY of GOODS to 
 be feen near the Opcra-Houfe in the 
 Hay-Market. 
 
 Tor SA L , ly Inch of Cavdle^ near the 
 Opera-Houfe /';; the Hay-Market. 
 
 A Riiing-Sun, fccond-hand, eclips'd five 
 Digits by the dirty Hands of an Opera- 
 Porter. 
 
 A Full Moon, fpan new, never ufed, but 
 one Side a little Rat-eaten. 
 
 Several Sets of Clouds,, flying down the 
 Wind, in good Condition. 
 
 Six
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 27 
 
 Six Dozen of pretty twinkling Stars, a lit- 
 tle out of Order for want of brufliing. 
 
 Four Mantles of State, made in the Reign 
 of King GHA R LES II. and worn by Empe- 
 rors of feveral Ages and Nations : They are 
 rich Embroidery, and ftill very fit for Kettlc- 
 Druni Banners, or to make Petticoats for run- 
 ning Footmen. 
 
 Four dozen of Mufick-Books, with long 
 Symphonies and Ha-ha's, very proper Pills for 
 Ailhmatick People. 
 
 All the Pikes, Javelins and Partisans of 
 Jlkxavdrfs Life-Guard, may now ferve the 
 Tjrain-Band Officers, either to fight, or to 
 make into Filhing Rods. 
 
 Four Brocade Breeches, worn by Nicolini 
 and # e/fr/0, cut into upper Leathers for Ladies 
 Slippers ; the Waitebands beipoke to line the 
 Cape of Mother Needhams Cloak. 
 
 Three dozen of Roman Sandals and Bu- 
 kins, made by the beft Hand in Cambro- Al- 
 ley, of the antique Faftiion, and very well fuit- 
 cd to the modern Tafte. 
 
 Several other Rarities that we want Englifb 
 Names for, but are very ule-ful to the Cu- 
 rious, and are to be expofed at the Place of 
 SALE. 
 
 E a Among
 
 8 HELL upon EARTti: 
 
 Among all the Vices, Follies, and Extrava- 
 gancies of the Age, I am furprized at the pre- 
 ient luxurious and fantaftical manner of Eating, 
 which many of our People of Quality and falfe 
 Tafte are fallen into. Magnificence and Hof- 
 pitality are certainly highly commendable in 
 Perfons of large Fortunes, but can any Folly 
 be greater than that of laying out as much up- 
 on a fingle Plate to pleafe the aftefted Palate of 
 one of thefe foppilh Gluttons, as would in Days 
 of ancient Hofpitality, have half feafted a Pa- 
 rifin ? That is, when the old Nobility and Gen- 
 try of England thought it a greater Honour to 
 have the Praifes of their Tenants and the 
 Prayers of the Poor, than the Credit of being 
 able to devour at one felfiih Meal what would 
 fupport a moderate Family a Twelvemonth, 
 
 1 quefticn if A firing mentioned by Juvenal* 
 as the greateft of all Gluttons, and who wrote 
 a Beok of Iniiru&ions how to move Appetite, 
 were he nc-,v upon the Stage, would not be 
 rank'd among the Mechanicks in Eating, com- 
 pared with fome of our modern Epicures. 
 
 I was the other Day at a Perfon of Quality's 
 Jioufe near Efomver-Square, who has the Vanity 
 to give forty Pounds a Year to a French Man 
 Cook to fpoil all the Meat that comes to his 
 Table. I had been there ten Days, and in all 
 that Time could never tell what the Name of 
 one Thing was that J had eaten, they were 
 
 aft
 
 Or, tie TOWN in an "Uproar. 29, 
 
 all fo difguifed with Ragou's, forc'd Meats, 
 &c. At laft, going one Day accidentally into 
 the Kitchen, I was moft agreeably furprized to 
 fee half a Dozen Partridges roafting at the 
 Fire, when all on a fudden the Rafcally Cook 
 whips them off the Spk and began to pound 
 them in a Mortar, with all the Fat and theln- 
 fide of a Surloin of Beef ; I ask'dhim the Rea- 
 fon of this ftrange Havock, and he told me, it 
 was to make a Cullis for a Pupton. 
 
 It being no fmall Mortification to me to fee 
 two fuch excellent Difhes thus fpoiled, and my 
 Stomach being at the fame time pretty (harp 
 fet, I had a very reafonable Curiofity to enquire 
 whether there was to be any other Dilh to 
 make amends for the Difappointment of two, 
 which till this Time I always thought were, 
 without any Adulteration, in the firft Clafs of 
 good Eating ; upon which this Heathen of a 
 Cook, to continue his Legerdemain both with 
 my Underftanding and Appetite ftill farther, 
 produced his Bill of Fare, which I chufe to 
 prefent my Readers with in the following Or- 
 der, by way of illuftrating what I have faid of 
 the Afteftation and Folly of this way of Eating, 
 
 COURSE!
 
 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 ifl COURSE. 
 
 2<1 COUKS E. 
 
 
 
 Carp 
 
 au 
 Court 
 Bouillon. 
 
 
 
 Pupton 
 of 
 Partridge 
 
 Cutlets 
 a la 
 Maine. 
 
 
 
 BEEF 
 a la 
 Trembkde 
 
 
 
 3d COURSE. 
 
 Fricafee 
 
 
 Huffle 
 
 
 A 
 
 of 
 
 
 of 
 
 
 Stewed 
 
 Salamanders 
 
 
 Chickens 
 
 
 Lyon 
 
 
 
 
 Pain 
 
 Oyfters 
 
 
 Blanc 
 
 Perdu 
 
 
 a la 
 Daube 
 
 
 Manger 
 
 I will
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 3 i 
 
 I will venture to affirm, that there is nothing 
 in this extraordinary Bill of Fare that would 
 not have been more pleafing to the Tafte, 
 wholfomer, and every way better, drefs'd in a 
 plain manner; nor has it any thing to recom- 
 mend it but the Expence and hard Names; for 
 you muft know, thefe Sort of Epicures do not 
 confute fo much their Health or their Palate in 
 their Difties, as they do the Uncommonnefs of 
 them, for which Reafon I knew a Perfon of 
 great Diftinction, upon his being obliged to en- 
 tertain a foreign Nobleman, after he had con- 
 fulted all the French Cooks and all the Books of 
 Cookery in Town, and finding nothing but 
 what he thought too common for his Table 
 upon fo an extraordinary Occafion, refolved to 
 fetch his Dinner out of the Hedges and Ditches, 
 and had his firft Courfe ferved up in the fol- 
 lowing manner. 
 
 Stew'd 
 
 Snails 
 
 
 Couple of 
 Roaft 
 Hedge Hogs 
 
 
 Fricafec 
 of 
 Frogs. 
 
 Badger's I 
 Ham and 
 Colliflowers 
 
 be-
 
 p HEL upon EARTH: 
 
 I believe no Body will doubt but that this 
 Gentleman had the End he propofed in pro* 
 viding an uncommon Entertainment, for tho' 
 we read in the Scripture of Guefts that were 
 bidden to a Marriage Feaft out of the High- 
 ways, yet I dare fay this was the firft Feaft 
 itfelf that ever was.furnifhed from thence. 
 
 Altho* I have not mentioned a hundredth 
 Fart of the Fopperies of this ridiculous Mode, 
 yet I am perfuaded the two extraordinary Spe- 
 -cimens I have given you, will be fufficient to 
 convince you that inftcad of lavifhing your Wit 
 and Satyr againft Innovations in our publick 
 Diverflons only, you ought to referve fonie 
 Part for the Abfurdities that creep into our 
 private Families. 
 
 As a glittering Appearance gains a popular 
 Efteem amongft the Vulgar, it. is no Wonder 
 to fee our vain-glorious Coxcombs fo fond of a 
 gaudy Equipage , but to anatomize thefe Ani- 
 mals, and (hew them in their proper Colours, 
 may poflibly afford fome Diverfion ; for when 
 a Fool fets up for a Fop he is no more the 
 Subject of a. wife Man's Efteem, than a Cat- 
 terpillar after it is transformed to a Butterfly. 
 
 The Ct:arafter of a F P. 
 
 H E is the Superficies of a Man, and th 
 Magazine of Superfluities, and confults his 
 Taylor with as much Care as the ancient 
 
 Greeks
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 33 
 
 Greeks did the Oracle at Delpbos : He has a par- 
 ticular Regard to the Sabbath, efpecially after 
 he has purchafed a new Peruke, and is never fo 
 devout as when he prays for fair Weather ; yet 
 he is very wavering in his Religion, for he vi~ 
 fits half a dozen Churches in Sermon-rime^ and 
 never tarrieth long in a Place, but where he 
 can ftiew his Drefs to fome Advantage : He 
 looks upon Rain and Wind as the greateft Judg- 
 ments of Heaven, and had rather run againft 
 the P-^l in a dark Night than a Chimney- 
 Sweeper ; for which Reafon he pafles Cheapfide* 
 Conduit with the fame Precaution as a poor Ci- 
 tizen does Woodflreet Compter : His Politicks are 
 upon the fame Foot with his Religion, for be- 
 fore Noon he runs his Head into twenty Coffee- 
 Houfes, and has no fmall Ambition to be 
 thought a News- Monger : He is no greac 
 Friend to the Tobacconift, for Fear of his 
 Lungs, yet he holds a Pipe in his Mouth to 
 make his Diamond Ring the more confpicuous, 
 and to that End he has an excellent Faculty in 
 playing upon the Table with his Fingers : He 
 is very careful in ad jutting his Phiz, and takes 
 a Pinch of Snuff with the utmoft Curiofity ; 
 and, at the fame Time, reckons him an un- 
 mannerly Clown that will not praife his Snuif- 
 Box : His Habiliments are moftly Foreign, and 
 nothing is admirable but what is done by an 
 outlandifh Artificer ; the Blade of his Sword 
 ivas temper'd at Toledo, and the Handle raj 
 F wrought;
 
 34 HELL upon E A R T H: 
 
 wrought by the beft Workman in Andalufa j 
 nay, the very Head of his Cane was dug out of 
 a Mine in the Pharjalian Fields, and afterwards 
 polifhed by an Ethiopian in Prefler Johns Coun- 
 try. If his Patrimony will allow him a Foot- 
 man, the poor Fellow is hurried off his Legs 
 with carying Billet Doux to the Ladies, and of- 
 ten gets his Head broke for his Matter's Imper- 
 tinence j however, he gets a Smatch of his 
 Mailer's Airs, and is initiated in the Price of 
 Powder, Elfence, Snuff and Wafhballs : If the 
 Fop keeps a Miftrefs, according to Fafhion, his 
 Pride is too great to be over-courteous ; fo (he 
 muft never expect him to difpence his Favour 
 in the Day-time, for a true Fop will ftarve a 
 thoufand other Sins to fupport his Vanity ; 
 and by Confequence he had rather be gelt than 
 difcommode a Flanders Lace Chitterling. His 
 Wit is like his Habit, of the neweft Fafhion ; 
 and was it Treafon to adulterate our Language > 
 as it is to counterfeit the Coin, he would ftand 
 a notable Chance to be guarded up HoJbourn-Hill 
 by the Sheriffs Officers ; for he affects unin- 
 tellible Terms of Speech, and, like an Apo- 
 thecary, will reduce a whole Sentence into a 
 Monosyllable ; yet, if a Man of Honour will 
 afford him a Smile, he is not fo concife in his 
 Compliments, but difplays himfelf in a Com*- 
 pound of French, Italian, and broken Latin, to 
 adorn his Peacock's Feathers with a little Pe- 
 dantry. If he haars a fecond-hand Saying at 
 
 the
 
 Or, ?&?TowN in an Uproar. 35 
 
 the Coffee-houfe, he immediately takes the Mi- 
 nutes down in Short-hand ; for having but lit- 
 tle Brains in his Head he has a natural Ten- 
 dency to Forgetfulnefs, and nothing lefs than 
 a new invented Oach will make a lafttng Im- 
 preflion upon his Mind, without the Ufe of his 
 Common-place Book. He goes to the Play 
 like a true Critick, and pretends to diftinguifh 
 what is genuine and what is fophifticated ; and 
 to prove himfelf one of a penetrating Judg- 
 ment he'll curfe the Aftors, and damn the 
 whole Performance ; nay the celebrated Wilki 
 and Booth cannot efcape his Cenfure, though 
 all the time his Eyes are upon the Ladies, and 
 his Thoughts lifted up that fome of them 
 fer Chance, may be fmitten with his fine Ap- 
 pearance. Thus the fimple Animal is com- 
 pofed of Pride, Ignorance, Conceit, Vain-glory 
 and Imagination, and Men of Senfe withdraw 
 from him as from a peftilential Infection ; and 
 indeed nothing can give a prodigal Fop more 
 Mortification than to take iio Notice of him, 
 for he knows no other End of his Being than 
 to fwagger in the Streets, and refort to pub- 
 lick Places to be gaz'd at "> for which Reafon 
 he is the only Perfon that rejoiceth at Adams 
 Fall, otherwife he muft have gone naked ; and 
 his Soul is too narrow to take a View of 
 Things beyond Brutality : His greateft Enemy 
 is Poverty ; and Death itfelf is not fo formi- 
 dable as a Cone that is wore Thread-bare : 
 F z Thus
 
 3<5 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 Thus if Misfortunes once attack him, the Bur- 
 den is infupportable, and the !aft Extremity is 
 to fteal a Rope to hang himfelf. Thus a fu- 
 percilious Life brings an ignominous Death, 
 and for want of Reafon to guide his Paffions, 
 Sir Foppington fails into Defpair, and dies in 
 Suicide. 
 
 Lad Summer I happen 'd to be at Briftol, and 
 coming up in the Stage-Coach I was agreeably 
 diverted with a Narrative that is well ivorth 
 Notice. There was in Company a grave Mer- 
 chant, an ancient Gentlewoman, a young Iri/b- 
 man, txvo young Ladies, and myfelf; the 
 Merchant faid little, the old Gentlewoman heard 
 little, the Beaux and the two Ladies had all 
 the Difcourife, and I fat as Judge to determine 
 the Controverfy. The Theme was Love, which 
 was argued and defended with a great deal of 
 Judgment on both Sides. The firft Night on 
 the Road he took me afide and told me, he 
 believ'd them to be good Natur'd Ladies, for 
 that they had granted him an Appointment, 
 and that he doubted not but e'er Morning to 
 gain the Afcendant over them; and accordingly 
 next Day affirm'd to me, he had been happy 
 in their Embraces. This he confirm'd with 
 fuch circumftantial Probabilities, that I readily 
 believ'd it Matter of Fad. But how was he 
 ftruck with Shame and Confufion, when he 
 found the two young Ladies metamorphosed 
 
 into
 
 Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 37 
 
 into two young Gentlemen, that for their Di- 
 verfion, and to pafs the Time away, had pur- 
 pofely put on the Difguife to conceal their Sex, 
 and had aflum'd an Air fuitable to their Ap- 
 pearance, to mortify fome fond, conceited, 
 paflionate and whining Enamorado. 
 
 It may feem romantic, but It is very true 
 that there are a fort of People who take Pains 
 to be IDLE j fuch are your Hunters of News 
 and Hunters of Levees, who tramp it half a Score 
 Streets to know who has got a Wife or a Place. 
 
 The Hunters of Levefs are recorded for three 
 Hours Patience and Attendance with a gracious 
 Grin t and come away well contented ; and your 
 Superficial Viftant^ who go to fee Folks be- 
 caufe they are not at Home. There are feveral 
 others of this kind, who as it were, labour to 
 le Laz,y. 
 
 It muft be owned in the Defence of IDLE- 
 NESS, that there are fome publick Advantages 
 arifing from it, and that it prodigioufly advan- 
 ces the Excife, by filling of Coffee-Houfes, 
 Tipling-Houfes and Taverns. An honeft Fel- 
 low gees Drunk, becaufe he has nothing elfe 
 to do ; and a Coffee-Houfe Orator gives his 
 Jaws a Breathing, becaufe he has no other Work 
 upon his Hands. And by the Idlenefs of our 
 Nobility, Gentry and Tradefmen, Hackney- 
 Coachmen, Hackney-Harlots, Gamefters, Pimps 
 and Chairmen are fup ported. 
 
 How
 
 58 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 How natural is it to be doing fomewhat ! 
 Some or other of our Organs are perpetually 
 craving for Employment : Hence it is, that a 
 Coquet (hivers when (he is not Cold, and a 
 Beau cries "Damn me, tho' he knows that fuch a 
 Prayer is altogether fuperfluous, and tucks down 
 his RufHes, tho' they were before as fmooth as 
 a Lawyer's Tongue. 
 
 The common Methods of wearing away our 
 Days, are as various as the Humours and Ca- 
 pacities of Mankind. Some lead Armies, fome 
 difturb the Publick in a civil Way. Some make 
 Speeches, and fome pick their Teeth. Snuff 
 has great and univerfal Reputation this Way, 
 and the Takers of it can recreate their whole 
 Body with a little Labour of the Fingers and 
 the Nofe. I know an eminent Serjeant at Law, 
 who finds curious Diverfion in drawing a String 
 through his Fingers, and tying Knots upon it ; 
 and mofl: of his learned Brethren keep themfelves 
 in Practice, by ftroaking down the fides of their 
 Perriwigs, with remarkable Gravity. The 
 Ladies divert themfelves with Tea and Slander, 
 and Vifits and their Fans, and feveral other 
 Amufements, about which I (hall fay nothing. 
 There are fome/ety of both Sexes, wbo find De- 
 votion as good a Stratagem as any, to (hake 
 off Time, and fo make Piety a confiderable 
 Diverfion. With others Gaming is in great 
 Repute, for wafting their Money and their 
 Time with wonderful Facility. About the 
 
 Royal-
 
 Or, tie T o w N in an Uproar. $9 
 
 Royal-Exchange, Tricking and Over-reaching 
 are notable and approved Cures for Lazinefs ; 
 but at Court they are by no means known or 
 pra&ifed. 
 
 I am almoft of Opinion, that the Ufe of 
 Speech, does no great Honour to that Man, 
 who talks only to (hew that he calks Nonfence ; 
 and yet this is the Cafe and the Fate of many 
 more accomplished Perfons. A Beau, if he 
 would hold his Tongue, might hide his inward 
 Nakednefs ; but while he Prates and fhews his 
 Teeth, tho' we are convinced that his Mouth 
 or rather his Gums, are well inhabited, we are 
 at the fame time let into a Difcovery that his 
 Head is a dark and unfurnilhed Garret. I 
 (hould be glad I could for their Sakes, perfuade 
 feveral hopeful young Gentlemen of my Ac- 
 quaintance, who are diftemper'd with an O- 
 pinion of their own Parts, to grow Cunning 
 and hold their Tongue. I wl(h this Advice of 
 mine be not above their Capacity, 1 am fure it 
 is for their Intereft, and would they take it, I 
 am almoft confident it would be a Secret to 
 many of thofe who only fee them, that they are 
 fo entirely deftitute of Reafon and moft. other 
 Gifts which came of God. I have great Com- 
 paflion upon our Coffee-Houfe Orators, and 
 thofe who at publick Ordinaries daily ftrain 
 their Throats for the Intereft of Chriftendom f 
 and judicioufly diftribute their deep Ignorance 
 and Conjectures, to fuch as fit round them, and 
 
 have
 
 HELL ufon EARTH: 
 
 have the Courtefy to bear Witnefs that they 
 Are tteots. It would be great Wifdom in the 
 Fools of this our Town, if they would learn 
 the Senfe to fmother their Nonfence, and then 
 it would be a great Comfort to all who come 
 within Ear Shot of them. As for me, I have 
 brought my felf to be eafy in the midft o 
 Noife and Abfurdity, by a Method which I 
 tvould recommend to every Body. When a 
 (imple Son begins to fcatter Words, all the 
 Notice I take is, that his Mouth is merry and 
 dancing a Horn-pipe to the Tabor of his 
 Throat ; and I cannot but think, an honeft 
 fooliui Fellow may lawfully play with his own 
 Chaps as well as with his J-egs or his Cane. 
 I have carried my Humour further in this 
 Cafe : With me, every Man who talks falfely 
 or fooliftily, does not talk at all : No, I am 
 refolved that the difhoneft Speaker and the re- 
 diculous Prater, are, and (hall be dumb Men ; 
 and I wifh for the Peace and Eafe of the 
 World, that all Mankind were of my Opinion : 
 A braying Booby would not then difturb us, 
 nor a knavifii Orator miflead us. I am fo de- 
 lighted with this phi lofophical Artifice of mine, 
 that I often go to fee a Man fpeak on purpofe 
 not to hear him ; it is therefore no Wonder thac 
 I have in my Time beheld both Lawyers and 
 Divines eloquently dumb fox an Hour or two 
 together : I have found moft pretenders to 
 Phyfick more copious and Jilent than any other 
 
 fort
 
 Or, the T o w N /';/ an Uproar. 4 1 
 
 fort of Men, and no People in this Town are 
 fo vehemently and fo learnedly Mutes as Poli- 
 ticians and Criticks. The firft that calls a 
 
 Man a Fool is himfelf, and others do but take 
 it from his own Mouth. When a weak Perfon 
 (huns a Difcovery by keeping his Tongue ivitlin hit 
 Teeth as the Proverb has it, we generally affign 
 a kind Caufe for his Silence, and believe it to 
 be the Effect of good Senfe, which is never very 
 forward ; but if his Tongue betrays him, and 
 (hews him a Soft-bead., the World is not to 
 blame for paffing Sentence t when he himfelf has 
 confefled the Guilt. 
 
 The late proceedings in our Courts of Law 
 have furnifhed us with ample Proofs, that this 
 Town abounds too plentifully with a Sect of 
 brutifh Creatures called SODOMITES; a Sect 
 that ought to be excluded from all civil Society 
 and human Converfation. They exceed the worft 
 Beafts of the Field in the Filthinefs of their A- 
 bominations. The Birds of the Air couple 
 Male and Female to propagate Generation, and 
 every Animal moves by a natural Inftinct ; but 
 Man, exclufive of all others, forms Ideas de- 
 ftructive to himfelf, and grows fond of new In- 
 ventions which are repugnant to divine Infti- 
 tution and the fundamental Laws of Nature ; 
 he is grown hardened in Iniquity, having a- 
 bandon'd himfelf to all manner of Vice, and is not 
 aihamed to act Crimes which expofe him to the 
 G Severity,
 
 4* HELL upon E A R T H \ 
 
 Severity of the Laws and the Contempt of the 
 World. I have heard that one To/fan, who lately 
 kept a Brandy-Shop at Charig-Crofs t and was 
 tranfported for Felony, whofe Conftitution was 
 fo depraved and ruined that he could contain, 
 nothing within him, and who was not afhamed 
 to confefs, that he received that Debility by 
 human Converfation and the vile Practice of 
 Buggery ; and that once having caught a Foot- 
 Soldier in Bed with his Wife, he iniifted upon. 
 no other Satisfaction than to commit the de- 
 ftable Sin of Sodomy with him, which the 
 other comply J d with, and fo the Affair \vas 
 made eafy. It is a melancholy Sight to fee 
 Men in full Strength and Vigour go to pub- 
 Jick Executions unpitied nnd unlamented, load- 
 ed with the higheft Guilt, that can neither hope 
 or expect any Mercy in this, and may juftly 
 dread the Punifhments in the World to come : 
 The greateft Criminal has fome People that? 
 may drop fome pitying Expreffions for his un- 
 happy and untimely Fate and condole his difmaj 
 Circumftances ; white thofe Perfons who fall by 
 the Laws for &*fo*f, can exped neither Pity or 
 Companion. It would be a pretty Scene to be- 
 hold them in their Clubs and Cabals, how they 
 aifume the Air and affect the Name of Madam 
 or Alijs, Betty or Molly, with a chuck under the 
 (Chin, and you bold Pul/et I'll break your Eggs t 
 and then frisk and walk away to make room 
 for another, who thus accofls the affected Lady j 
 
 with
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 43 
 
 with Where have you been youjaucy Queen ? If I 
 catch you Strouling and Caterwauling, ? II beat the 
 Milk cut of your Breafts I will fo ; with a 
 great many other Expreflions of Bufifoonry 
 and ridiculous Affectation. If they can pro- 
 cure a young fmug-fac'd Fellow they never 
 grudge any Expence, and it is remarkable thefe 
 effeminate Villains are much fonder of a new 
 Convert than a Bully would be of a new Mtftreft$ 
 They have alfo their Walks and Appointments, 
 to meet and pick up one another, and their par- 
 ticular Houfesof Refort to go to, becaufe they 
 dare not truft themfelves in an open Tavern* 
 About twenty of thefe fort of Houfes have been' 
 difcovered, betides the nocturnal Aflemblies of 
 great Numbers of the like vile Perfons, what: 
 they call the Markets, which are the Royal- 
 Exchange, Lincolns-hn Bog-Houfes, the South-fide 
 of St. James's-Park, the Piazzas of Covent- 
 Garden, St. Clement's Church-tard, &c. 
 
 The Toxvn is now come to that Height of 
 Wickednefs, that every Parifh might now em- 
 ploy five or fix Satyrifts, befides as many Par- 
 .fons; not that I think the latter fo remifs in 
 their Duty as to need the Afliftance of the 
 Prefs, but the capricious Humours of the Peo- 
 ple make it as neceffary aS it is to have an Adju- 
 tant in a Regiment as well as a Colonel, that 
 where the Courtefy of a Man will not prevail, 
 & King Harry's Knock may do it more effectually^ 
 G % Should
 
 44 . H E L L upon- EARTH: 
 
 Should our Priefts fpeak to the People as they 
 did in Days of Yore, they would become the 
 Ridicule of every Scoundrel ; for now nothing 
 xviil pals for good Senfe, but St. Gregory, St. Au- 
 /?/, St. Athanajius, &c. and if there comes not 
 a little Latin, or Greek, and fometimes Hebrew 
 too into the Bargain, it goes down no better 
 than a Joint of Veal without Sauce : WhereaSi 
 did not the Prejudice of Cuftom deprive us o 
 plain Truth, and down- right Honefty, the 
 Prieft might f without the Imputation of being 
 
 vulgar) call out, A hah, you Mr- , with 
 
 the black Wig and plufh Coat, how dare you 
 keep a Rendezvous for Gaming, Drinking, and 
 Whoring ? How dare you come to Church be- 
 fore you clear your Confcience ? And with no 
 more Remorfe than you come from the Tap be- 
 fore you fill the Tankard > Believe me, Sir, if 
 you abandon yburfelf to thefe Enormities, and 
 live not up to the Precepts of the Gofpel, you'll 
 receive your Reward in a Place that fmells as 
 ftroryg of Erimfloneas a Bundle of Card-Matches. 
 Now,' I fay, fhould he exprefs himfelf after 
 this Manner, he would appear like the Father 
 of his Flock, and confeqiiehtly like a Chriftian ; 
 but alas ! this wou'd never gain him the Ap- 
 probation of his Auditory ; they would rather 
 look ^on him as they did on down-right Daniel 
 Bi&gtft, of merry Memory, who was the only 
 Man in the Three Kingdoms for a judicious 
 Comparifon : / tc/J ye, fays Daniel, Mens Hearts 
 
 are
 
 Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 45 
 
 we like Womem Smocks, fine at 70/>, but ccarfe at 
 Bottom ; at which the wild Part of the People 
 burft into a Laughter, fo that the poor Man 
 was oblig'd to give them this Salvo for their 
 private Satisfaction, viz. That he did not know it 
 by Experience, but by feeing 'em hang oh the Hedges. 
 Now, Sir, 'tis under this Confederation that I 
 would .have the Poets exert their Authority; 
 for till we banter the Town from their moft 
 capital Vices, they will never give Heed to 
 General Heads, no not fo much as to the Head 
 of an Onion, for that indeed will make them 
 weep if they have an Heart of Adamant. But 
 alas ! ten general Heads, with Doctrine, Ufe and 
 Application to attend them, are not received 
 with half the Alacrity as zfingle Ten of Diamonds. 
 I live in a Pariflh, which to its Honour, be 
 it fpoken, is one of the largeft and moft popu- 
 lous in the Bills of Mortality, yet a Man might 
 wear out a pair of the beft Shoes in Chriften- 
 dom in it, before he finds a Perfon truly virtuous, 
 except it be my felf, and two or three of my Ac- 
 quaintance, together with Mr. /; S the Tal- 
 
 ley-man. But hold, I forgot Mr. s D the 
 
 Attorney, and old n A the predeftinated 
 
 Pawn- broker : Now, I fay, Sirs, is it not a 
 Shame, a burning Shame, for a Man to think 
 on, that I who have liv'd fixteen Years in a Pa- 
 rifti, yet cannot find above fix Perfons in it that 
 are juft in their Morals, charitable to the Poor, 
 and (incere in their Devotion *. But what makes 
 
 the
 
 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 the* Wickednefs of the Wicked more aggrava^ 
 ting, is, that thefe pious Men cannot efcape 
 the Imputation of being as bad as their Neigh- 
 bours, tho* good Chriftians are of another O- 
 pinion, and I heard a Man of Fourfcore de- 
 clare it, he believed they could not match them 
 for their Exa&nefs in Dealing, and fingular 
 Converfation, from Mile-End to Mill-Bank at 
 
 Nothing weakens the Mind and turns the 
 Brain more than the delufive Horrors which 
 the common Stories of Damons and Goblings 
 bring along vvith them. He that is the ftaunch- 
 eft Believer in this Point, is often the moft 
 wretched Infidel in Articles of the higheft and 
 moft ufeful Nature. He fwallows glibly the 
 eroflfeft Falfehoods and Forgeries, but cannot 
 
 Z3 o 
 
 bear the Appearance of Truth and Convidion. 
 If you tell him that a Spirit carried away the 
 Side of a Houfe, or play'd at Foot-ball with 
 half a dozen Chairs and as many Pewter-difiies, 
 you win his Heart and Affent ', but if you go 
 about to perfuade him that a bodily Commu- 
 nication between the invijible Spirits of the other 
 World and the mortal Inhabitants of this, is 
 not very likely, at leaft not very common, he; 
 holds np both his Hands and wonders how you 
 can be fo great an Atheift. Such a one is fo 
 long accuftomed to be cheated by others and 
 himfelf, that at length nothing but Delufion 
 
 *iH
 
 Or, the T o WN /;; an Uproar. 47 
 
 will go down with him, and he has no Reli(h 
 for what is not Monftrous and oppofite to Na- 
 ture and Probability. 
 
 In the Country there are two Sorts of Ghofls^ 
 a Pkbian Ghofl and a Ghoft of Rank ; and thefe 
 two bear a different Figure, and have a different 
 jSehaviour. 
 
 'The Ghofl of Dignity is always known to be 
 the Spirit of a former Landlord of the Parifli, 
 who vifits his Tenants every Night in a Coach 
 and Six, and rattles round his Manfion-Houfe, 
 to fee that nothing be amifs, and to frighten 
 the Servants into their Duty. His Ghofl is the 
 yery fame Man that he himfelf was in his 
 Life-time, in every Refpect : It wears the 
 felf-fame Snuff- colour'd Cloaths trimm'd with 
 black, the fame Camblet-Cloak, lin'd with red, 
 a little faded, and the fame Shoes with Cork- 
 Soals and fquare-Toes. Its Gloves are lin'd with 
 Lambskin, and it has Fuftian Drawers on, juft 
 as the 'Squire had. Nay, the Spirit has upon 
 its Body all the Marks tfaat had been upon the 
 Body of the 'Squire ; the little Wart under the 
 left Ear, the fmall Scar upon the little Finger^ 
 the Dimple in the Chin, and twenty other Signs 
 and Tokens, which are all vifible to any Man, 
 Woman, or Child, that can but fee clearly ia 
 the Dark. 
 
 Farthermore, our Ghofl has the Ways and 
 Humours which it had when it was alive. It 
 Smiles upon one Servant, cails a Frown at ano- 
 ther,
 
 48 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 ther, and 1 loves Noife and ftale Beer, as well as 
 when it followed a Pack of Hounds all Day, 
 and fate up with another Pack all Night : For 
 great Hooping and Hollowing are often heard 
 in the Parlour or the Cellar about Two in the 
 Morning, and, upon Examination, a Barrel 
 of Ottober is found empty. Well fare his Wor- 
 fhipful Heart ; it is not the firft of a Thoufand, 
 that he has ferv'd in the fame Manner. 
 
 Now and then it prophefies and gives Warn- 
 ings ; and, particularly, it is perceived to make 
 Signs, that the young 'Squire fhould reverence 
 the Church, and not go to Law with the 
 Parfon. 
 
 Sometimes his Worthip is fadly out of Tem- 
 per, and more outrageous than a reafonable 
 dead Man (hould be , but he has good Caufe 
 for it. His extravagant Son and Heir, has, 
 perhaps, loft Three and Six-pence at Whisk, 
 or bought a glander'd Horfe, or fold his Sheep 
 and his Barley too cheap, or done fome fuch 
 important and unfrugal Fault. This is Provo- 
 cation enough in Confcience for the grey-head- 
 ed old Ghaft, who remembers what bodily Pains 
 it took to get Riches, to fret and ftamp, and 
 throw down all the Pewter Difties about the 
 Houfe. And yet I cannot fee why his late 
 Worlhip fhould pinch the innocent Children 
 for their Father's Errors ; or why he (hould 
 terrify the Kennel of Dogs, as ofren as he does, 
 and fet them a howling, as if the poor Beagles 
 
 were
 
 Or, the T o WN in 'an Uproar. 49 
 
 were his Son's Counfellors, when, in Truth, 
 they are only his Principal Companions. 
 
 It happens, fometimes, that the departed old 
 Gentleman is feen and heard weeping and wail- 
 ing moft bitterly over a Pond in the Garden^ 
 and then it is a hundred to one bur a Child or 
 a Coach-Horfe dies fome time or other after- 
 wards. I own, indeed, that the Ghofl does noc 
 alone pofTefs, in his own fingle Perfon, this kind 
 of foretelling Spirits ; for the old Houfe-Dog is 
 likewife a Prophet of this Kind, and never 
 howls, but fomething or other comes after it j 
 and the Crickets in the Wall have an admirable 
 Knack at fore-fmelling a Funeral. 
 
 Thefe Gbofls of Quality have, in their Way o 
 livingy one Circumftance which I would noc 
 forget. The cunning Creatures, when they 
 are dead, and gone, and rotten, have Policy e- 
 nough to return to their own Houfes, and to 
 take up the beft Rooms there for themfelves to 
 lodge in. And if any Mali prefume to lye in, 
 their Beds, they never fail to kick him, and 
 cuff him, and tofs him in a Blanket. So unfo- 
 ciable and malicious do People grow when once 
 they are JockM up in their Coffins. This jbeius 
 that dead Folks can bite; 
 
 Having now done due Honour to Gbofls of 
 Fafbion, I go on to fay fomething about 'vulgar 
 Apparitions j and there is this efiential Difference 
 between them j a Spirit of Title and Figure if 
 eyer more formidable and mfchiewus tban a Spirit 
 H " of
 
 Jo HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 cj low Fortune, or meanly born. So that we fee 
 the Temper of Men is the fame, in both 
 Worlds. 
 
 A poor Ghoft does not conftantly appear in 
 its own bodily Likenefs, but humbly contents 
 it felf with the Body of a white Horfe, that 
 gallops about the Meadows without Legs, and 
 grazes in>them without a Head. On other Oc- 
 
 O 
 
 cafions it wears the Carcafs of a great black 
 Dag, that glares full in your Face, but neither 
 bites you, nor fays an uncivil Word to you. 
 Sometimes it gives three folemn Raps at your 
 Door, and if you do not anfwer it, it fays no- 
 thing to you j and if you do anfwer it, it holds 
 its Tongue. 
 
 There are feveral other Marks and Particu- 
 larities belonging to Iximbie Plebeian Ghoft s, as 
 their leaving their Footfteps in the Afhes, their 
 taking you by the Hand when you are afleep, 
 and the like. But the cheif Affair that calls 
 them back again to vijit the IVorld by Night, is 
 their Fondnefs for a Pot of Money which 
 they buried in their Life-time, and cannot be at 
 Reft in their Graves without it. Thus the thirft 
 of Gold raifes them before the Refurreftion. 
 
 GET MONEY, faid a wifer Man than you 
 or I, honeft Reader : That is the Precept,, but 
 he went no farther, leaving the Bufinefs of 
 Committee- Men, Ways and Means, to the pe- 
 culiar turn of Thought or Bias of Invention 
 of every individual Money-Getter. 
 
 Of
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar? 5 i 
 
 Of all the Methods made ufe of to attain 
 this great End, I believe it will be allow'd, 
 that he who gains this Point the eafieft way is 
 the vvifeft Perfon : For inftance, I know there 
 are Gold and Silver Mines in Peru and Mexico, 
 but then I confider, it is at a vary inconveni- 
 ent Diftance, and a thoufand Toils and Dangers 
 muft be undergone, before we can have a chanee 
 to pocket a lingle Ingot of either. What is to 
 be done in this Cafe ? we can't go to them, 
 and they will not come to us. In this Plunge 
 of Affairs we have feen fome late notable In- 
 ftances of the Dexterity of our Countrymen 
 for removing the abovefaid Difficulties : Say 
 they, Let the Spaniards and Portuguefe fail to 
 the Indies, the Dutch, French, and Englifh, to 
 all the other Parts of the World, and we will 
 fnack in their Ti'eafure, ivitfwut ftiring from this 
 wicked Spot of the Earth the Toww. 
 
 The late famous SHE PPARD, of Houfe- 
 breaking memory, declared (it feems) at the 
 Gallows, that he had laid a Foundation for 
 raifing the Reputation of the Britifo Thievery 
 to a greater Height than it's been carried in 
 the preceeding Ages: And if the Relations 
 we fee daily publiflied can be depended on, 
 it may juftly be faid, we have lived to fee his , 
 Words verified. But perhaps fome will think 
 that I am wandering beyond my Province 
 when I am going to prove, that Filching is as 
 H 2 . old
 
 5.2 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 old as the World ; that it has been the Prac- 
 tice of all Ages and Nations ; that the greateft 
 of Men have endeavour'd to keep it in Coun- 
 tenance : And in a word, I think I can prove, 
 that all Men are Thieves, tho* very few have 
 the honefty to confefs it. The firft Theft was 
 committed in Paradife, and the firft Thief was 
 our univerfal Mother, to the Honour of the 
 fair Sex be it fpoken ,- who, influenced by fo 
 good an Example, have to this Day kept up 
 their laudable Appetite for pilfering ; as ap- 
 pears' by the numerous Complaints you hear 
 of doleful Swains, whofe Hearts have been 
 purloin'd. In this I think they have got the 
 flart of us ; we can prove our firft Sire no 
 more than a Receiver at beft; and the Pro- 
 verb will not ajlow the Receiver to be as good 
 as the Thief. After this no body will contro- 
 vert the Antiquity of this Art. 
 
 It remains then, that fomething be faid for 
 the Honour of our own Sex ; who, tho' they 
 cannot boaft of being the Inventors of it, yet 
 I hope to (hew, that they have made as many 
 Improvements on it, and carried it to as high 
 a pitch as it would bear. The Jews ftealing 
 every thing they could wrap and rend from 
 the ^Egyptians at their Departure, is an Ex- 
 ploit that \ve (hall come in for at leaft half 
 the Glory of, tho' it (hould be allowed, that 
 the Ladies (as it often happens in modern 
 Marches) carried the Knapfacks, and the Men 
 
 only
 
 O, the TOWN in an Uproar. 53 
 
 only bore their Arms. He muft be very ig- 
 norant of'Hiftory, who knows nor, that the 
 ^Egyptians, a learned and wife Nation, held 
 this Art in fuch high Efteem, that they fe- 
 vejely puniuVd ignorant Pretenders to it. 
 Antient Writers afliire us, that a Theft 
 cleverly perform'd, intituled the Avtift to the 
 Booty purloined j but if he was fo aukward, 
 as to be detected before the Completion of his 
 purpofe, he was turn'd over to the Hands of 
 old Father Antique, the Law. The Lace- 
 demonians were fb well apprized of the great 
 Ufe and Advantage of this Art, that they 
 early inftrufted their Children in the commen- 
 dable Practice of Filching ; and every one 
 knows, that the Lacedemonians were always re- 
 puted a wife and famous People j tho' it be 
 certain, that no other of the polite Arts and 
 Sciences got footing amongft them. So re- 
 markable an Inftance as that of Romulus muft not 
 be omitted : He very wifely raked together a 
 parcel of Thieves ; and they became the Pro- 
 genitors of a Set of People, who, while they 
 kept up to the Virtues of their Anceftors, 
 were the moft powerful, the moft learned, and 
 the moft polite Nation in the World; but 
 when they grew rich, and their Opulence fet 
 them above praciifing thofc l/irtties, they 
 dwindled into nothing. 
 
 That it has been the tiniverfal Pradicc 
 (and often, the only Knowledge) of all Phi- 
 
 lofophers,
 
 54 HELL &/><? EARTH* 
 
 lofophers, will be evident, upon a comparifon 
 of their feveral Notions and Syftems. I would 
 aroid an Oftentation of Learning in this Place, 
 or I could make my Reader ftare at my pro- 
 found Sagacity in difcufling the Tenets, and 
 difcovering the Thefts of the Antients one 
 from another: But familiar Examples will be 
 more fui table to the Genius and Capacity of 
 feveral of my courteous Readers : And there- 
 fore I will content my felf with putting them 
 in mind of the late horrible Robberies at- 
 tempted upon Mr. G--B N, Mr. ED BS, 
 
 CTc and of an Expreffion made ufe of by the 
 renowned Roger Johnit, upon two of the Per- 
 fons concern'd in them on their being brought to 
 Newgate ; viz. That had he their Opportunities and 
 Advantage* joined to his Head, he would not have 
 left the Bank of England worth a Groat in half 
 a Tear's time. 
 
 As there is nothing more Lawlefs than the 
 Paffions, when they are left to themfelves, 
 what a miferable Slave muft that Perfon be, 
 who gives hjmfeif up to their Dominion : All 
 he ftudies is prefent Gratification, lee the Con- 
 fequence be what it will, the Gallows or Dam- 
 nation. One Libertine, for the Enjoyment of 
 a beaftly Strumpet, poifon'd with Quicklilver 
 and the Pox, flings away his Health and 
 rifques his Soul, kills or rather murders his 
 Innocent Wife, and moft paternally entails Rot- 
 
 tennefi
 
 Or, *#<?TOWN in an Uproar". 55 
 
 i 
 
 tennefs and an infamous Example upon his Pofte- 
 rity. Another mad with Wine and Wrath runs 
 his Sword into a poor Man's Heart, and fends 
 him into another World, tvith all his Sins upon his 
 Head; and perhaps at the fame time makes 
 Beggars of a Iffdow and a, I^oufe full of Children, 
 who all depended upon that one Life. A third 
 is under the abfolute Government of Pride OB 
 Ambition, and ruins his Fortune and his Fa- 
 mily by Expence and Equipage ; and makes 
 himfelf Little by ftriving to be Great, and 
 Poor by endeavouring to be Rich. 
 
 Ttm. lur&ulenty is a Practitioner of vaft Bufi- 
 nefs in the Law : He is continually writing Let- 
 ters and fending Porters to himfelf. If in Term- 
 time you meet him in the Streets, he can fcarce 
 fpare time to bend his Head at you ; and if his 
 Mouth opens you are fure to be deafened with a 
 Noife about Declarations, Counfel, Cofts, and the 
 like : But for all this Buftle and Induftry, 'tint 
 was never known to hav$ brought a Caufe to 
 Iffue in his Life-time, excepting formerly, one ia 
 the Mar/hat's Court, in which himfelf was the 
 Defendant. 
 
 Ned Needy, was never worth five Pounds du- 
 ring the whole Courfe of his Life, and has been 
 often hard put to it, to procure Credit for a 
 Week's Lodging, or a clean Shirt. Ned never 
 fails in all Converfation to boaft of the happy 
 
 Situa-
 
 Affluence 
 - ' Ntggard is on 
 h ;;.- known 10 be what the 
 calls K Plumb Man : He is for ever com- 
 plaining of the hard Times, and his Poverty ; and 
 \vhen he is told of his Wealth, (hakes his Head 
 with a Sneer, wi(hing the Suggeftion could be 
 made good, &c. Thus the one, who is poflfefs'd 
 of a real Subftance, is as induftrious in concealing 
 it, as the other, who has none at all, is, in en- 
 deavouring to make the World believe he has 
 one. 
 
 Caleb Kettle, has a Front of the Corinthian Or- 
 der, when he is Mafter of a Shilling, and as 
 keen as a Hugomt juft landed from- Ifcttft, or 
 a JVtlfh Drover, is apt to pop in at the Pine- 
 affle or the Chop-houfe : Caleb after furveying 
 the Place and the Company, is fure to acquaint 
 them, that he hath not only neglected a plentiful 
 Dinner at home, but his Promife of Dining 
 with fome Duke or other great Perfonage, but 
 that Buiineft, and a Defire withal of Variety, 
 and viewing the Humours of low T Jfe, has 
 drawn him thither. Kettles a merry deftitute 
 Mortal, and has fcarce ever fail'd of Dining 
 upon Co^itution- Hilly or in fome Cook's Brothelj 
 every CJviftmai-Day for thefe twenty Years. 
 
 I pity Beau Eobbi/h, he cannot withal the Me- 
 rit of hislac J d Goat, meet with the leaft Reve- 
 rence
 
 ' Or, the T o w N in an Uproar. 57 
 
 rence from any of his Fellow Creatures, excep 
 his Japanner, and the Porter that pimps for him, 
 and is his Confident and Letter Carrier. He 
 therefore picks his Teeth all the Afternoon at 
 Dicks, where every Quarter of an Hour he is 
 fending for the faid Porter, his Plenipotentiary, 
 on Purpofe to be ravifh'd with thofe two pretty 
 Words, Tour Honour. 
 
 lorn 'Terrible ridicules the Notion of a Deity 
 in all Company he comes into ; and D ns his 
 Blood with a Bon Grace five hundred times a Day ; 
 and would fain pafs for a polite and falhionable 
 Atheift, which feems to be the Height of his 
 Ambition ; though his Mother and the Maid, 
 who light him to Bed, are ready on Oath to 
 atteft that Tom is the moft timerous Animal 
 breathing in his Quarters ; that he has more 
 than fifty times difturbed the Family in the 
 Night time, with his Apprehenfions of feeing 
 Spirits. Nay, they go farther, and fay he 
 never ventures to Bed without his .Prayers. 
 
 A moft furprifing Spirit of NOYILTY has 
 newly difcover'd itfelf in the Town, proceed- 
 ing, as it feems, from a few Bankrupt Trade f- 
 men, undone fome by Negligence, and fome by 
 Misfortune, who having contracted an idle and 
 loitering Habit of Life, and made fhift by 
 Remnants of Competition Money to pop them- 
 felves behind the Bars of Coffee-Houfes, have 
 all on a fudden determined to turn Regulators, 
 Authors, Eves-droppers, News -Writers, Com- 
 mittee-Men, Orators, and tvhat not ; and 
 having proclaim'd in publick Print, That their 
 Houfss are the Grand Magazines of Intelligence, have 
 I had
 
 58 H E L L upon EARTH: 
 
 had the Confidence to publifh Two Papei's with 
 fuch Portions of Foreign and Dome flick News, that- 
 1 believe never before appeared in Print in this or any 
 other Nation. Thefe Gentlemen having fet out 
 with great Ambition, and met with humble Suc- 
 cefs, I fhall endeavour to refcue their Daily- 
 Labours from that State of Obfcurity they may 
 have hitherto lain under by publishing them to 
 the World, viz*. 
 
 Jfotw/Zow, Jan. 23. 
 
 1 Fifty Battallions, and as many Squadrons, 
 c pafs d thro* this City Yefterday, in order to 
 c form a Camp upon the Banks of our River, 
 ' -which, with the Troops from Staynes, Egham, 
 ' and the neighbouring Provinces, will make an 
 ' Army of 35000 Men, which will be abun- 
 
 * dantly fufficient to prevent any Surprize on 
 
 * that Side of the Country. 
 
 Hammerfmith^ January 2J. 2V. S. 
 ' Our Minifler here obferves fo profound a 
 
 * Silence, that no Body hath as yet been able 
 ' to penetrate into his Defigns; notwithftand- 
 ' ing, 'tis whifper'd, that he is carrying on a 
 ' fecret Negotiation with the Court of Cbejfea. 
 
 Lambeth, January 30. 
 
 c A Matter of a Ship, who arriv'd here in 
 One and Twenty Days from Cbegea, reports, 
 that the Troops and Penfioners of that Pro- 
 vince have Orders to hold themfelves in Rea- 
 dinefs upon any Emergency, but as they are 
 commanded only to fnrnilh themfelves with 
 Squirts and Pot-guns y 'tis not likely that they 
 are under any great Apprehenfion. 
 
 Brent-
 
 Or> the TOWN in an Uproar, jp 
 
 Brentford, Feb. i. O. S. 
 
 Expreffes are continually going to and fro 
 in this City ; and 'tis faid, that there is great 
 Likelyhood that a Congrefs will be form'd at 
 Winder by the latter End of next Summer. 
 WanAftoorth) Feb. 2. 
 
 A Squadron of Men of War has been feen 
 off of this Place, which is fuppos'd to be Part 
 of the Fleet which is to join the Admiral of 
 Monlake. 
 
 Chifwick, Feb. 3. 
 
 Our Country enjoys a perfect Tranquillity, 
 and there feems to be that Harmony between 
 our Minifters and thofe of all the Foreign 
 Courts, that 'tis highly probable we (hall have 
 No SHARE in their Differences. 
 
 LONDON. 
 
 Yefterday great Numbers of People pafs'd 
 and repafs'd thro' Fleet- flreet, St. Paul's Church- 
 Tard 3 Cheapfide, and other of the principal 
 Streets of this City, as ufual. 
 
 The fame Day a Dray paffing thro' "Chancery '- 
 Lane with feveral Barrels of Strong Beer on 
 it, one of them rowl'd over into the' Street, 
 by which Misfortune about Three Quarts of 
 the Liquor was unluckily loft. 
 
 ' We hear, that Mr. James , who 
 
 was Cook at the Rofe Tavern without Tempte- 
 Bar, and gave an entire Satisfaction to all the 
 Gentlemen that us'd his Matter's Houfe, is 
 gone from thence to the Devil. 
 
 1 Yefterday a Hackney-Coach founder'd in 
 the Strand, near Softmerfet-Hotife, but by the 
 timely Affiftance of the Neighbourhood all the 
 Paflengers were faved. 
 
 I 2 ' WC
 
 60 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 1 We are credibly informed, That the fa- 
 e mous Mr. Moore hath undertaken to deftroy 
 e the Worms that have been of iuch pernicious 
 ' Confequence to our Shipping in the Weft-ln- 
 
 * dies, by eating into their Bottoms ; and that 
 
 * he will fee fail ion? Time in March with 
 
 * Two large Ships, laden with his celebrated 
 ' Powders for that Purpofe. 
 
 * On Sunday Night laft, when the Corpfe of 
 
 * Tom the lub-man came to be interr'd in Stepney 
 ' Church-yard, the Grave that had been prepared 
 
 * for his Reception was ftolen away, as is fup- 
 c pos'd, by Three Rogues in Sailors Habits, 
 c who had been feen lurking thereabouts fome 
 1 Hours before ; and we hear, that Yefterday 
 
 * Morning it was taken up in the Thames by 
 John Edes the Waterman, who took up the 
 
 f great overgrown Owl that was (hot on the 
 : Top of the Tork- Buildings Water-houfe, as 
 ' mention J d in one of our former. 
 
 * Some Days fince an odd fort of an Acci- 
 ' dent happened near B/ackwaS, where the Ship 
 ' Sarah and Johanna from Lisbon, laden with 
 ' Lemons and Oranges, the Judith ftom Nantz, 
 c with Brandies, and the Lucy from Jamaica 
 f with Sugars, falling foul of each other with 
 c uncommon Violence, were all ftav'd to pieces, 
 4 and in an Inftant the River run a perfect and 
 
 * well composed Punch for many Miles together, 
 
 * to the great Comfort and Relief of the Sea- 
 
 * faring Part of his Majefty's Subjects. 
 
 Thefe extraordinary intelligible Gentlemen 
 have furnifh'd us with other Accounts of the 
 like Nature; as Churches knock'd down in the 
 Night Time by Villains, and robb'd of their 
 
 rich
 
 Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 6i 
 
 rich Ornaments ; Whales have by them been 
 found in Ducking- Ponds and Ditches ; the 
 Court has been often fent feveral Miles out of 
 Town, when not one of the Royal Family has 
 been out of the Palace at that Time : Difco- 
 veries have been mnde of unheard of Villages 
 in the County of Middiefex, as Well as in other 
 Countries j Noblemen and Gentlemen have been 
 fent to Seats of their own that they never heard 
 of, and dined and fupp'd with People they never 
 faw ; caft-orf Whores have been reconciled to 
 their Keepers even fo far as to get married to 
 them ; People appeared in Weftminfler-Hall upon 
 Recognizances that had none to anfwer, and at 
 a Time when none of the Courts were fitting ; 
 Perfons had Places given them who had been 
 many Years in their Graves ; Gentlemen and 
 Tradei'men been difmounted on the Roads, 
 robb'd of Monies and their Buckles ftolen from 
 under their Boots, who were quietly in their 
 Beds at the Times mentioned. Thefe are the 
 Stores of Intelligence in their own Handf, of which 
 they have been the blind Poffeflon to this Day. This 
 is reforming and bringing Publick Intelligence to the 
 higheft Perfection. 
 
 After Meafures of this Kind had been car- 
 ried on for Three Weeks and Three Days, for 
 the common BENEFIT and Relief of the Coffee-men 
 of the Cities of London and Weftminfter, by pub- 
 1 idling Ttt'o Papers , of Half a Sheet each, on every 
 Working Day ; one in the Morning, and the other 
 in the Evening, with the above-mentioned Portions 
 of Fjreign and Domeftick News, the Subfcribers 
 had a General Meeting on Saturday the 25th 
 Day of January at Night, in order to reap the 
 Py(>ff s aud Advantages with which their fares and
 
 HELL upon EARTH: 
 
 Exa&nejfes had been attended, by way of DIVI- 
 DED D, and to eftallifh the Undertaking on a legal 
 Foundation, and to procure Securities for every one's 
 Property and Share in it. The Monies being di- 
 vided", and proper Inflruments in Law (ign'd and 
 feal'd, they next took into Confideration the un~ 
 tain and TfcaitfwYy State of the Things of this - 
 *Life y and krfowing that Papers as well as Men 
 are, mortal, and rauft foon or late die, thej? there- 
 fore order'd the Printing of their Paper to be 
 immediately performed near Exeter Exchange in 
 the Strand, to the End the worfhifful and worthy 
 Company of Upholders might be at Hand to de- 
 cently inter it, in Cafe of fuch an Accident. 
 
 Several Minutes being read, and the Sub' 
 fcribers made acquainted with every other Pre- 
 paration and Difpofitjon made jby the Managers 
 for perfevering in this laudable Undertaking, 
 they were defired to declare their Sentiments of 
 the PROCEEDINGS of the Managers ; and all 
 of them dtcUring they were extreamly fatisfy'd, 
 and very ready - to perform what was enjoin'd 
 them in the great Point of receiving this Sort of 
 Intelligence ; and their Two A RL E arid E x P E- 
 HIENC'D COMPILERS declaring they were 
 ready to ftand by ;hem to the laft Drop of Ink 
 in their Bottles, and the COLLECTORS while 
 they had Heels to their Shooes or Shirts to their 
 Backs, the Meeting broke up, to the Satis- 
 faction of every one prefent.
 
 University of California 
 
 SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 
 
 Return this material to the library 
 
 from which it was borrowed. 
 
 REC'O LD-URL 
 
 OCT 
 
 OCT 191998
 
 A 000105683 7 
 
 '