California egional ability Ex Libris C. K. OGDEN 334 London Life, 1729. Hell upon Earth : or the Town in an Uproar. Occasion'd by the late Horrible Scenes of Forgery, Perjury, Street- Robbery, Murder, Sodomy . . . 8vo, half roan, 10/6 1722 Opens with concise matter-of-fact descriptions of what happens in London during the hours from six in the morn- ing until nine at night. I* c HELL upon EARTH: OR THE Town in an Uproar. fa* "OCCASIONED BI The late horrible Scenes of Forgery., Perjury, Street- Robbery, Murder, Sodomy, and other fliocking Impieties. Of the Encreafe of the Hempen Manufactory and the Decreafe of the Woollen Ma- nufactory ; (hewing that Goals and Gibbets are become al as Guards and Gari- fons, and Pillories as necefla- ry as P ns. Of Peoples being almoft under the Neeefiity of carry- ing Piftols inftead of Prayer- Books to their Parifli Churches. A furprizing Account or the Numbers of People who Live by preparing and vending Li- quors, and of thofcthat Die by drinking them: With the vaft plenty of Difeafes and Doctors , and the great Scarcity of Phy- ficians. An Account of Fox-Hunt- ers , Peace-Hunters, Mo- ney Hunters, Men-Hunters, Whore-Hunters, Death-Hunt- ers, Levee-Hunters, News- Hunters. Of the Subfcribing CorTee- Mens pretty Project for print- ing their Cuftomers Prittie Prattle. Of Lady B ts Necefla- ry Houfe being broke open and robb'd, as publifhed in the Coffee- mens Paper, with the ftrangc ErTeft it had on, a Scotch Subfcribing Coffee- man's Wife, who refunded her Brcakfaft upon reading the Relation. LONDON: Printed for J. ROBERTS in and A DODD without 7*emple*ar t 1725?, (Price One Shilling.) HELL upon EARTH R, THE TOWN in an Uproar, HIS great, wicked, unweildyy over-grown Town, one con- tinued hurry of Vice and Pleafurc ; where nothing, dwells but Absurdities, Abnfss^ Accidents, Accnfations, Ad- mirations, Adventures, Adverjities,. Adwertifo- ments, Adulteries, Affidavits, Affectations, Af- firmations, Afflictions, Affronts, Aggravations^ Agitations, Agonies, Airs, Alarms, Ailments^ Allurements, Alterations, Ambitions, Amours, Amphitheatres, Anathemas, Animojitics, Anx-* ieties, Appointments, Apprekenjions, Arrefts, Arrogances, d]f affiliations, slffemblies, Ajjefments-j AJJlirances, Affignations, Attainders^ Andac'i* The 2015140 a HELL upon EARTH: The ttfua! Qbfervations of the SABBATH, in the good Cities of London and Q J Weitminfter, and Parts adjacent. SUNDAY. Six m the Morning. Coaches, Chaifcs, Chairs, Phaetons, and Hackney Horfcs harnefTmg and getting ready for Citizens and their Wives, Doxies and Daughters. Lafctvious Gentlemen and Tradrfmen ftealing from their Maid Servants Garrets to their own Bed-Chambers. Irijb- wen meditating the Dettruccion of Maids, Wives, Widows and Trades -People on their Pillows, Infirm and fuperannuated Letchers .plagvied in their Beds with im- practicable Dejtres. News-Mongers ihventiug Stories of Rapes, Riots, Robberies, &c.. for their next Papers. Obfcurity, Flatnds and Impertinency flowing in upon the Medita- tions of certain Poetafters. Seven o Clock. Youfig Officers of the Army, and the Navy r Dodl:ors-Commons-Men, Lawyers Clerks, and Mercers Journeymen, ..cum muhis. j4liis y taking their Mercurials and Hater-Gruel. Servant Wenches pilfering their Miftrcflcs Teas and Sugars to entertain their Vilitants in the Af- ternoon. Half-Pay Officers- Laundrefies icolding. Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 3 and refuting to deliver their Linnen without wady Motiey. Beggars, Apple- Women, and Shoe-Bkckers repairing to their refpe- ctive Stands. Demi-Clergymen^ alias fyarijh- Ckrks, putting on their Bands and grave Countenances. Right dClock. Lawyers in the Inns of Court lacing their MiftreiTes Stays,, paying them their Fees^ and removing them by Habeas Corpus to their own Lodgings. Bawds with Bandboxes running to Mens Wives and Daughters to manage Intrigues for the Evening. Ladies Lap-Dogs cleaning and drefling to accompany their MiftrefTes to Church. Apothecaries and their 'Prentices trotting thro 1 the Streets with Pills, Purges and Potions. Clear- Starchcrs, Manteau-Makers Journey-Women, Servants out of Place, and poor Harlots run- ning upon Tick at Chandlers Shops for Tea and Coffee. Barbers as bufy as Newgate Sollicitors at an Old Bdily Seflions in embel- Ijfhing their Cuftomers. Nme o'clock. Vintners Wives brawling and exercifing their Lungs upon their Servants in their Kitchens, F/^r-Parfons at their Stations on Ludgate-Wl, looking out fharp for Wed- ding* from Wktie-Cbapel and Waffling. City B ^ 'Prentices 4 HELL upon EARTH: 'Prenticc,s drcffed fprucc at their Maftcrs Poors, appointing; their Afternoons Ram- bles. r Infolvcnt Debtors appear out of the Verge of the Court with gay Countenances. Tnformcrs begin to be in Motion in the Streets. Phyiicians poring over Books as they ride thro' the Town in their Chariots, to give the World a Scnfe of their Religion and deep Study. Whores hurrying home in Hackncy-Cpaches from Bagnios to fhift their Linncn. Taylors and Fcrriwig-makcrs ut- tering great Numbers of Lies to their Cu,- ftomcrs by commending their Airs, Shapes, A-iicn, &V. People buiy in craiing out of their wearing dppttrel the Wrinkles and other Syi/iptoins of their having been under Dais and Tribtfi&tion at the Pawnbrokers* Ten o Clock. Noblcmens and Gcntlcmcns Doors free from Duns. Young Mi flirtefj and Sewpjlrcjfis as lary in their Beds as Lifc-Guardmeu in their Quarters. People of Quality's Chambcr- Ik-llj ringing for their Vttlets and Abigails. Churcn-WardcnSj Ovtrieers, and other Paro- chial Officers, proceeding to Church Avith th>:ir Families rather for form fake than De- votion. - Rakes of Quality and young Stu- dents in .the Inns of Court humming over ./ Tunes in their Chambers. Hackney Writers, Poets, and }{'dib Sollicitors coggiug their Or, the T o w N in an Uproar. 5 their Stockings and dearning their Shirt Col- Jars in order to ilfuc forth from their Garrets to borrow half a Crown or beg a Dinner. Smutty Jefts, loud Laughter, and fome Scandal* going forward at Ladies Tea Tables. Eleven o Clock. Fine Fans., rich Brilliants, white Hands, envious Eyes, and gold Snuff-Boxes difplay- ing in all Parilli Churches. Many excellent 'Rotten Sermons preaching by fomc Clergymen who \von't take Pains to make worfe of their Oivn. Folks of Fafbion, humbling thcmfelves J O in Tijjne Cloth, and rich Laces, and enduring the ftii!c of Divine Sen ice with wonderful fccming Patience. Drunken Beggars bat- tling and breaking one anothcrs Heads about the Streets in dividing the Charity of oitenta- tious Fools and old Women. Hackney Coafbmen and Chairmen lifting up their Eyes towards Heaven tor wet Heather. Jacks, Spits, and tyofridge-tpots all in Motion in the Cities of London and H ejlniinjlcr, and Parts adjacent. Dabs of Beef, Pork, and Mutton, roafting in ^Packthread Strings in the Garrets of married CcUcrs^ Sorters y and ^ Twelve at Noon. All the Religions within the Weekly Bills iff Mortality return'd by their rcfpcclive Teachers 6 HELL upon EARTH: TTeachers on the Hands of the feveral Parishes they belong to. Citizens Wives, fome at their Dram Bottles, and others criticiling upon one another's Drefs and Behaviour at Church, and throwing out little Portions of Slander as a whet before Dinner. Young Tradefmen, Rakes, and Lawyers-Clerks, /#;/- dling and very noify in Tavern Kitchens. Ladies about St. James's and Ham f uer-Square J reading fylays and Novels, and making mun- difying \Valhes. Begging Cripples in the Streets beftowing Prayers and Benedictions on their Benefactors. Hackney Coaches running from Weftminjhr to Wa$pmgj Sec. and from Waffling to Weftmitijler, Sic. cramm'd with Men, Women and Children, going to Dine with their Friends and Relations. Poets and Philofophers in Motion about Gray's-Jnv-Wttlks and St. 'James $**Park y wrapt up in Thread-bare Coats, Study and Spe- culation. Innocent People of more Merit than Fortune, fitting down to homely whole- feme Food with Calm Conferences. All the common People's Jaws in and round this greit Metropolis in full Employment. Bakers and Paltry-Cooks running thro* the Streets with ''Puddings and tyies that have fuffered fome Jllmdgniwt in their Houfcs. Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 7 T Welch Ale, and Qtfober? And how many La- dies at twenty five declare for Brandy and Arrack Punch, and fo leave Pofterity to fhift for it felf^ for truly they'll breed no more ? A poor limber-hack'd Beau at the Court End of the Town, rarely holds it put above two or three Years, and a Whetter about the Royal Exchange as much longer, while a fat over-grown Parifh Officer may make a ihift to ferve a dozen Years Apprenticeship to Swallowing; for having much Flefh and fmall Spirit, he is a long time a wafting, even as a great Candle with a little Wick, will yield a dim and ftupid Light for a long while together, and yet confume it felf in the End. Or 3 the TOWN /;/ an Uproar. i 3 We had a late notable Inftance how de- teitable this Vice begins to appear in the Eyes of the Army, upon which I congra- tulate the Military part of my Countrymen $ and that was, when a Noble Lord, greatly difguifed in Wine, was endeavouring to pafs through St. 'James's Qark, the commanding Officer, who was an Injbmat^ iniifted upon the Letter of his Orders, to fufter no Pcr- fcn whatfbever to pals with a Load^ and turn'd his Lordfhip out at the Gate ac- cordingly. The prefent defection of Morals, and like- wiie our want of People, I cannot altoge- ther lay at the Door of the abovemehtion'd Vice, but in a great meafur-e to the un-f reafonable GALLANTRIES now going for- ward amongft us. Have we (carce. had a Marriage of any Confequence in the Town for a Twelvemonth : Are not the publick Papers fill'd with Elopements of Wives and young Wenches, and a common Proverb verrified; That a Middlefex Maidenhead is to be had for asking for. A few Years ago our Rakes of Quality ufed to commit Ma- trimony as they did Murther, out of a Fro- lick, and were ready to hang thcmfelvcs for it the next Day; for we had an Inftance of a fajhionabk for fear of angering Folks of Fajbion ; and therefore to keep Meafurcs with the Quality and my own Confcience, I do hereby fignify to all my loving Readers, that in tyerfons of Figure, the Breaches of their mar- riage Vow and Infidelity to their Yoke-Mates, is not Adultery, but fomething very like it. In the Man it is but taking of a 11 ~evcb y and in the married Ladies 'tis only a piece flf Gallantry. Now when this Sin is Chrift. cned in an Uproar. 15 ened with fuch modiih pretty Names, it frightens no Body; on the contrary, it becomes even an innocent and reputable thing. As I am a publick Spirited Perfbn, and have at Heart the good of my Country, as does in fome Meafure appear by this humble Effay, I have been long of Opinion, that nothing can be more realbnable than to per- mit the D4MNE&S, and SINKE&Ste lend their Afliftance, to add to the finking Fund of the Nation : In order to which, I hope the following Scheme will neither be thought extravagant nor impracticable. Imprimis^ That for every (ingle Curfe y ex- hibited by a Man or Woman of Quality, during their Drefiing-time, there be impofed a Fine of One Shilling. For every Curfe in the Guard-Rooms at St. James's and the Ttlt-Tard, One as it is to counterfeit the Coin, he would ftand a notable Chance to be guarded up HoJbourn-Hill by the Sheriffs Officers ; for he affects unin- tellible Terms of Speech, and, like an Apo- thecary, will reduce a whole Sentence into a Monosyllable ; yet, if a Man of Honour will afford him a Smile, he is not fo concife in his Compliments, but difplays himfelf in a Com*- pound of French, Italian, and broken Latin, to adorn his Peacock's Feathers with a little Pe- dantry. If he haars a fecond-hand Saying at the Or, ?&?TowN in an Uproar. 35 the Coffee-houfe, he immediately takes the Mi- nutes down in Short-hand ; for having but lit- tle Brains in his Head he has a natural Ten- dency to Forgetfulnefs, and nothing lefs than a new invented Oach will make a lafttng Im- preflion upon his Mind, without the Ufe of his Common-place Book. He goes to the Play like a true Critick, and pretends to diftinguifh what is genuine and what is fophifticated ; and to prove himfelf one of a penetrating Judg- ment he'll curfe the Aftors, and damn the whole Performance ; nay the celebrated Wilki and Booth cannot efcape his Cenfure, though all the time his Eyes are upon the Ladies, and his Thoughts lifted up that fome of them fer Chance, may be fmitten with his fine Ap- pearance. Thus the fimple Animal is com- pofed of Pride, Ignorance, Conceit, Vain-glory and Imagination, and Men of Senfe withdraw from him as from a peftilential Infection ; and indeed nothing can give a prodigal Fop more Mortification than to take iio Notice of him, for he knows no other End of his Being than to fwagger in the Streets, and refort to pub- lick Places to be gaz'd at "> for which Reafon he is the only Perfon that rejoiceth at Adams Fall, otherwife he muft have gone naked ; and his Soul is too narrow to take a View of Things beyond Brutality : His greateft Enemy is Poverty ; and Death itfelf is not fo formi- dable as a Cone that is wore Thread-bare : F z Thus 3<5 HELL upon EARTH: Thus if Misfortunes once attack him, the Bur- den is infupportable, and the !aft Extremity is to fteal a Rope to hang himfelf. Thus a fu- percilious Life brings an ignominous Death, and for want of Reafon to guide his Paffions, Sir Foppington fails into Defpair, and dies in Suicide. Lad Summer I happen 'd to be at Briftol, and coming up in the Stage-Coach I was agreeably diverted with a Narrative that is well ivorth Notice. There was in Company a grave Mer- chant, an ancient Gentlewoman, a young Iri/b- man, txvo young Ladies, and myfelf; the Merchant faid little, the old Gentlewoman heard little, the Beaux and the two Ladies had all the Difcourife, and I fat as Judge to determine the Controverfy. The Theme was Love, which was argued and defended with a great deal of Judgment on both Sides. The firft Night on the Road he took me afide and told me, he believ'd them to be good Natur'd Ladies, for that they had granted him an Appointment, and that he doubted not but e'er Morning to gain the Afcendant over them; and accordingly next Day affirm'd to me, he had been happy in their Embraces. This he confirm'd with fuch circumftantial Probabilities, that I readily believ'd it Matter of Fad. But how was he ftruck with Shame and Confufion, when he found the two young Ladies metamorphosed into Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 37 into two young Gentlemen, that for their Di- verfion, and to pafs the Time away, had pur- pofely put on the Difguife to conceal their Sex, and had aflum'd an Air fuitable to their Ap- pearance, to mortify fome fond, conceited, paflionate and whining Enamorado. It may feem romantic, but It is very true that there are a fort of People who take Pains to be IDLE j fuch are your Hunters of News and Hunters of Levees, who tramp it half a Score Streets to know who has got a Wife or a Place. The Hunters of Levefs are recorded for three Hours Patience and Attendance with a gracious Grin t and come away well contented ; and your Superficial Viftant^ who go to fee Folks be- caufe they are not at Home. There are feveral others of this kind, who as it were, labour to le Laz,y. It muft be owned in the Defence of IDLE- NESS, that there are fome publick Advantages arifing from it, and that it prodigioufly advan- ces the Excife, by filling of Coffee-Houfes, Tipling-Houfes and Taverns. An honeft Fel- low gees Drunk, becaufe he has nothing elfe to do ; and a Coffee-Houfe Orator gives his Jaws a Breathing, becaufe he has no other Work upon his Hands. And by the Idlenefs of our Nobility, Gentry and Tradefmen, Hackney- Coachmen, Hackney-Harlots, Gamefters, Pimps and Chairmen are fup ported. How 58 HELL upon EARTH: How natural is it to be doing fomewhat ! Some or other of our Organs are perpetually craving for Employment : Hence it is, that a Coquet (hivers when (he is not Cold, and a Beau cries "Damn me, tho' he knows that fuch a Prayer is altogether fuperfluous, and tucks down his RufHes, tho' they were before as fmooth as a Lawyer's Tongue. The common Methods of wearing away our Days, are as various as the Humours and Ca- pacities of Mankind. Some lead Armies, fome difturb the Publick in a civil Way. Some make Speeches, and fome pick their Teeth. Snuff has great and univerfal Reputation this Way, and the Takers of it can recreate their whole Body with a little Labour of the Fingers and the Nofe. I know an eminent Serjeant at Law, who finds curious Diverfion in drawing a String through his Fingers, and tying Knots upon it ; and mofl: of his learned Brethren keep themfelves in Practice, by ftroaking down the fides of their Perriwigs, with remarkable Gravity. The Ladies divert themfelves with Tea and Slander, and Vifits and their Fans, and feveral other Amufements, about which I (hall fay nothing. There are fome/ety of both Sexes, wbo find De- votion as good a Stratagem as any, to (hake off Time, and fo make Piety a confiderable Diverfion. With others Gaming is in great Repute, for wafting their Money and their Time with wonderful Facility. About the Royal- Or, tie T o w N in an Uproar. $9 Royal-Exchange, Tricking and Over-reaching are notable and approved Cures for Lazinefs ; but at Court they are by no means known or pra&ifed. I am almoft of Opinion, that the Ufe of Speech, does no great Honour to that Man, who talks only to (hew that he calks Nonfence ; and yet this is the Cafe and the Fate of many more accomplished Perfons. A Beau, if he would hold his Tongue, might hide his inward Nakednefs ; but while he Prates and fhews his Teeth, tho' we are convinced that his Mouth or rather his Gums, are well inhabited, we are at the fame time let into a Difcovery that his Head is a dark and unfurnilhed Garret. I (hould be glad I could for their Sakes, perfuade feveral hopeful young Gentlemen of my Ac- quaintance, who are diftemper'd with an O- pinion of their own Parts, to grow Cunning and hold their Tongue. I wl(h this Advice of mine be not above their Capacity, 1 am fure it is for their Intereft, and would they take it, I am almoft confident it would be a Secret to many of thofe who only fee them, that they are fo entirely deftitute of Reafon and moft. other Gifts which came of God. I have great Com- paflion upon our Coffee-Houfe Orators, and thofe who at publick Ordinaries daily ftrain their Throats for the Intereft of Chriftendom f and judicioufly diftribute their deep Ignorance and Conjectures, to fuch as fit round them, and have HELL ufon EARTH: have the Courtefy to bear Witnefs that they Are tteots. It would be great Wifdom in the Fools of this our Town, if they would learn the Senfe to fmother their Nonfence, and then it would be a great Comfort to all who come within Ear Shot of them. As for me, I have brought my felf to be eafy in the midft o Noife and Abfurdity, by a Method which I tvould recommend to every Body. When a (imple Son begins to fcatter Words, all the Notice I take is, that his Mouth is merry and dancing a Horn-pipe to the Tabor of his Throat ; and I cannot but think, an honeft fooliui Fellow may lawfully play with his own Chaps as well as with his J-egs or his Cane. I have carried my Humour further in this Cafe : With me, every Man who talks falfely or fooliftily, does not talk at all : No, I am refolved that the difhoneft Speaker and the re- diculous Prater, are, and (hall be dumb Men ; and I wifh for the Peace and Eafe of the World, that all Mankind were of my Opinion : A braying Booby would not then difturb us, nor a knavifii Orator miflead us. I am fo de- lighted with this phi lofophical Artifice of mine, that I often go to fee a Man fpeak on purpofe not to hear him ; it is therefore no Wonder thac I have in my Time beheld both Lawyers and Divines eloquently dumb fox an Hour or two together : I have found moft pretenders to Phyfick more copious and Jilent than any other fort Or, the T o w N /';/ an Uproar. 4 1 fort of Men, and no People in this Town are fo vehemently and fo learnedly Mutes as Poli- ticians and Criticks. The firft that calls a Man a Fool is himfelf, and others do but take it from his own Mouth. When a weak Perfon (huns a Difcovery by keeping his Tongue ivitlin hit Teeth as the Proverb has it, we generally affign a kind Caufe for his Silence, and believe it to be the Effect of good Senfe, which is never very forward ; but if his Tongue betrays him, and (hews him a Soft-bead., the World is not to blame for paffing Sentence t when he himfelf has confefled the Guilt. The late proceedings in our Courts of Law have furnifhed us with ample Proofs, that this Town abounds too plentifully with a Sect of brutifh Creatures called SODOMITES; a Sect that ought to be excluded from all civil Society and human Converfation. They exceed the worft Beafts of the Field in the Filthinefs of their A- bominations. The Birds of the Air couple Male and Female to propagate Generation, and every Animal moves by a natural Inftinct ; but Man, exclufive of all others, forms Ideas de- ftructive to himfelf, and grows fond of new In- ventions which are repugnant to divine Infti- tution and the fundamental Laws of Nature ; he is grown hardened in Iniquity, having a- bandon'd himfelf to all manner of Vice, and is not aihamed to act Crimes which expofe him to the G Severity, 4* HELL upon E A R T H \ Severity of the Laws and the Contempt of the World. I have heard that one To/fan, who lately kept a Brandy-Shop at Charig-Crofs t and was tranfported for Felony, whofe Conftitution was fo depraved and ruined that he could contain, nothing within him, and who was not afhamed to confefs, that he received that Debility by human Converfation and the vile Practice of Buggery ; and that once having caught a Foot- Soldier in Bed with his Wife, he iniifted upon. no other Satisfaction than to commit the de- ftable Sin of Sodomy with him, which the other comply J d with, and fo the Affair \vas made eafy. It is a melancholy Sight to fee Men in full Strength and Vigour go to pub- Jick Executions unpitied nnd unlamented, load- ed with the higheft Guilt, that can neither hope or expect any Mercy in this, and may juftly dread the Punifhments in the World to come : The greateft Criminal has fome People that? may drop fome pitying Expreffions for his un- happy and untimely Fate and condole his difmaj Circumftances ; white thofe Perfons who fall by the Laws for &*fo*f, can exped neither Pity or Companion. It would be a pretty Scene to be- hold them in their Clubs and Cabals, how they aifume the Air and affect the Name of Madam or Alijs, Betty or Molly, with a chuck under the (Chin, and you bold Pul/et I'll break your Eggs t and then frisk and walk away to make room for another, who thus accofls the affected Lady j with Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 43 with Where have you been youjaucy Queen ? If I catch you Strouling and Caterwauling, ? II beat the Milk cut of your Breafts I will fo ; with a great many other Expreflions of Bufifoonry and ridiculous Affectation. If they can pro- cure a young fmug-fac'd Fellow they never grudge any Expence, and it is remarkable thefe effeminate Villains are much fonder of a new Convert than a Bully would be of a new Mtftreft$ They have alfo their Walks and Appointments, to meet and pick up one another, and their par- ticular Houfesof Refort to go to, becaufe they dare not truft themfelves in an open Tavern* About twenty of thefe fort of Houfes have been' difcovered, betides the nocturnal Aflemblies of great Numbers of the like vile Perfons, what: they call the Markets, which are the Royal- Exchange, Lincolns-hn Bog-Houfes, the South-fide of St. James's-Park, the Piazzas of Covent- Garden, St. Clement's Church-tard, &c. The Toxvn is now come to that Height of Wickednefs, that every Parifh might now em- ploy five or fix Satyrifts, befides as many Par- .fons; not that I think the latter fo remifs in their Duty as to need the Afliftance of the Prefs, but the capricious Humours of the Peo- ple make it as neceffary aS it is to have an Adju- tant in a Regiment as well as a Colonel, that where the Courtefy of a Man will not prevail, & King Harry's Knock may do it more effectually^ G % Should 44 . H E L L upon- EARTH: Should our Priefts fpeak to the People as they did in Days of Yore, they would become the Ridicule of every Scoundrel ; for now nothing xviil pals for good Senfe, but St. Gregory, St. Au- /?/, St. Athanajius, &c. and if there comes not a little Latin, or Greek, and fometimes Hebrew too into the Bargain, it goes down no better than a Joint of Veal without Sauce : WhereaSi did not the Prejudice of Cuftom deprive us o plain Truth, and down- right Honefty, the Prieft might f without the Imputation of being vulgar) call out, A hah, you Mr- , with the black Wig and plufh Coat, how dare you keep a Rendezvous for Gaming, Drinking, and Whoring ? How dare you come to Church be- fore you clear your Confcience ? And with no more Remorfe than you come from the Tap be- fore you fill the Tankard > Believe me, Sir, if you abandon yburfelf to thefe Enormities, and live not up to the Precepts of the Gofpel, you'll receive your Reward in a Place that fmells as ftroryg of Erimfloneas a Bundle of Card-Matches. Now,' I fay, fhould he exprefs himfelf after this Manner, he would appear like the Father of his Flock, and confeqiiehtly like a Chriftian ; but alas ! this wou'd never gain him the Ap- probation of his Auditory ; they would rather look ^on him as they did on down-right Daniel Bi>ft, of merry Memory, who was the only Man in the Three Kingdoms for a judicious Comparifon : / tc/J ye, fays Daniel, Mens Hearts are Or, tie TOWN in an Uproar. 45 we like Womem Smocks, fine at 70/>, but ccarfe at Bottom ; at which the wild Part of the People burft into a Laughter, fo that the poor Man was oblig'd to give them this Salvo for their private Satisfaction, viz. That he did not know it by Experience, but by feeing 'em hang oh the Hedges. Now, Sir, 'tis under this Confederation that I would .have the Poets exert their Authority; for till we banter the Town from their moft capital Vices, they will never give Heed to General Heads, no not fo much as to the Head of an Onion, for that indeed will make them weep if they have an Heart of Adamant. But alas ! ten general Heads, with Doctrine, Ufe and Application to attend them, are not received with half the Alacrity as zfingle Ten of Diamonds. I live in a Pariflh, which to its Honour, be it fpoken, is one of the largeft and moft popu- lous in the Bills of Mortality, yet a Man might wear out a pair of the beft Shoes in Chriften- dom in it, before he finds a Perfon truly virtuous, except it be my felf, and two or three of my Ac- quaintance, together with Mr. /; S the Tal- ley-man. But hold, I forgot Mr. s D the Attorney, and old n A the predeftinated Pawn- broker : Now, I fay, Sirs, is it not a Shame, a burning Shame, for a Man to think on, that I who have liv'd fixteen Years in a Pa- rifti, yet cannot find above fix Perfons in it that are juft in their Morals, charitable to the Poor, and (incere in their Devotion *. But what makes the HELL upon EARTH: the* Wickednefs of the Wicked more aggrava^ ting, is, that thefe pious Men cannot efcape the Imputation of being as bad as their Neigh- bours, tho* good Chriftians are of another O- pinion, and I heard a Man of Fourfcore de- clare it, he believed they could not match them for their Exa&nefs in Dealing, and fingular Converfation, from Mile-End to Mill-Bank at Nothing weakens the Mind and turns the Brain more than the delufive Horrors which the common Stories of Damons and Goblings bring along vvith them. He that is the ftaunch- eft Believer in this Point, is often the moft wretched Infidel in Articles of the higheft and moft ufeful Nature. He fwallows glibly the eroflfeft Falfehoods and Forgeries, but cannot Z3 o bear the Appearance of Truth and Convidion. If you tell him that a Spirit carried away the Side of a Houfe, or play'd at Foot-ball with half a dozen Chairs and as many Pewter-difiies, you win his Heart and Affent ', but if you go about to perfuade him that a bodily Commu- nication between the invijible Spirits of the other World and the mortal Inhabitants of this, is not very likely, at leaft not very common, he; holds np both his Hands and wonders how you can be fo great an Atheift. Such a one is fo long accuftomed to be cheated by others and himfelf, that at length nothing but Delufion *iH Or, the T o WN /;; an Uproar. 47 will go down with him, and he has no Reli(h for what is not Monftrous and oppofite to Na- ture and Probability. In the Country there are two Sorts of Ghofls^ a Pkbian Ghofl and a Ghoft of Rank ; and thefe two bear a different Figure, and have a different jSehaviour. 'The Ghofl of Dignity is always known to be the Spirit of a former Landlord of the Parifli, who vifits his Tenants every Night in a Coach and Six, and rattles round his Manfion-Houfe, to fee that nothing be amifs, and to frighten the Servants into their Duty. His Ghofl is the yery fame Man that he himfelf was in his Life-time, in every Refpect : It wears the felf-fame Snuff- colour'd Cloaths trimm'd with black, the fame Camblet-Cloak, lin'd with red, a little faded, and the fame Shoes with Cork- Soals and fquare-Toes. Its Gloves are lin'd with Lambskin, and it has Fuftian Drawers on, juft as the 'Squire had. Nay, the Spirit has upon its Body all the Marks tfaat had been upon the Body of the 'Squire ; the little Wart under the left Ear, the fmall Scar upon the little Finger^ the Dimple in the Chin, and twenty other Signs and Tokens, which are all vifible to any Man, Woman, or Child, that can but fee clearly ia the Dark. Farthermore, our Ghofl has the Ways and Humours which it had when it was alive. It Smiles upon one Servant, cails a Frown at ano- ther, 48 HELL upon EARTH: ther, and 1 loves Noife and ftale Beer, as well as when it followed a Pack of Hounds all Day, and fate up with another Pack all Night : For great Hooping and Hollowing are often heard in the Parlour or the Cellar about Two in the Morning, and, upon Examination, a Barrel of Ottober is found empty. Well fare his Wor- fhipful Heart ; it is not the firft of a Thoufand, that he has ferv'd in the fame Manner. Now and then it prophefies and gives Warn- ings ; and, particularly, it is perceived to make Signs, that the young 'Squire fhould reverence the Church, and not go to Law with the Parfon. Sometimes his Worthip is fadly out of Tem- per, and more outrageous than a reafonable dead Man (hould be , but he has good Caufe for it. His extravagant Son and Heir, has, perhaps, loft Three and Six-pence at Whisk, or bought a glander'd Horfe, or fold his Sheep and his Barley too cheap, or done fome fuch important and unfrugal Fault. This is Provo- cation enough in Confcience for the grey-head- ed old Ghaft, who remembers what bodily Pains it took to get Riches, to fret and ftamp, and throw down all the Pewter Difties about the Houfe. And yet I cannot fee why his late Worlhip fhould pinch the innocent Children for their Father's Errors ; or why he (hould terrify the Kennel of Dogs, as ofren as he does, and fet them a howling, as if the poor Beagles were Or, the T o WN in 'an Uproar. 49 were his Son's Counfellors, when, in Truth, they are only his Principal Companions. It happens, fometimes, that the departed old Gentleman is feen and heard weeping and wail- ing moft bitterly over a Pond in the Garden^ and then it is a hundred to one bur a Child or a Coach-Horfe dies fome time or other after- wards. I own, indeed, that the Ghofl does noc alone pofTefs, in his own fingle Perfon, this kind of foretelling Spirits ; for the old Houfe-Dog is likewife a Prophet of this Kind, and never howls, but fomething or other comes after it j and the Crickets in the Wall have an admirable Knack at fore-fmelling a Funeral. Thefe Gbofls of Quality have, in their Way o livingy one Circumftance which I would noc forget. The cunning Creatures, when they are dead, and gone, and rotten, have Policy e- nough to return to their own Houfes, and to take up the beft Rooms there for themfelves to lodge in. And if any Mali prefume to lye in, their Beds, they never fail to kick him, and cuff him, and tofs him in a Blanket. So unfo- ciable and malicious do People grow when once they are JockM up in their Coffins. This jbeius that dead Folks can bite; Having now done due Honour to Gbofls of Fafbion, I go on to fay fomething about 'vulgar Apparitions j and there is this efiential Difference between them j a Spirit of Title and Figure if eyer more formidable and mfchiewus tban a Spirit H " of Jo HELL upon EARTH: cj low Fortune, or meanly born. So that we fee the Temper of Men is the fame, in both Worlds. A poor Ghoft does not conftantly appear in its own bodily Likenefs, but humbly contents it felf with the Body of a white Horfe, that gallops about the Meadows without Legs, and grazes in>them without a Head. On other Oc- O cafions it wears the Carcafs of a great black Dag, that glares full in your Face, but neither bites you, nor fays an uncivil Word to you. Sometimes it gives three folemn Raps at your Door, and if you do not anfwer it, it fays no- thing to you j and if you do anfwer it, it holds its Tongue. There are feveral other Marks and Particu- larities belonging to Iximbie Plebeian Ghoft s, as their leaving their Footfteps in the Afhes, their taking you by the Hand when you are afleep, and the like. But the cheif Affair that calls them back again to vijit the IVorld by Night, is their Fondnefs for a Pot of Money which they buried in their Life-time, and cannot be at Reft in their Graves without it. Thus the thirft of Gold raifes them before the Refurreftion. GET MONEY, faid a wifer Man than you or I, honeft Reader : That is the Precept,, but he went no farther, leaving the Bufinefs of Committee- Men, Ways and Means, to the pe- culiar turn of Thought or Bias of Invention of every individual Money-Getter. Of Or, the TOWN in an Uproar? 5 i Of all the Methods made ufe of to attain this great End, I believe it will be allow'd, that he who gains this Point the eafieft way is the vvifeft Perfon : For inftance, I know there are Gold and Silver Mines in Peru and Mexico, but then I confider, it is at a vary inconveni- ent Diftance, and a thoufand Toils and Dangers muft be undergone, before we can have a chanee to pocket a lingle Ingot of either. What is to be done in this Cafe ? we can't go to them, and they will not come to us. In this Plunge of Affairs we have feen fome late notable In- ftances of the Dexterity of our Countrymen for removing the abovefaid Difficulties : Say they, Let the Spaniards and Portuguefe fail to the Indies, the Dutch, French, and Englifh, to all the other Parts of the World, and we will fnack in their Ti'eafure, ivitfwut ftiring from this wicked Spot of the Earth the Toww. The late famous SHE PPARD, of Houfe- breaking memory, declared (it feems) at the Gallows, that he had laid a Foundation for raifing the Reputation of the Britifo Thievery to a greater Height than it's been carried in the preceeding Ages: And if the Relations we fee daily publiflied can be depended on, it may juftly be faid, we have lived to fee his , Words verified. But perhaps fome will think that I am wandering beyond my Province when I am going to prove, that Filching is as H 2 . old 5.2 HELL upon EARTH: old as the World ; that it has been the Prac- tice of all Ages and Nations ; that the greateft of Men have endeavour'd to keep it in Coun- tenance : And in a word, I think I can prove, that all Men are Thieves, tho* very few have the honefty to confefs it. The firft Theft was committed in Paradife, and the firft Thief was our univerfal Mother, to the Honour of the fair Sex be it fpoken ,- who, influenced by fo good an Example, have to this Day kept up their laudable Appetite for pilfering ; as ap- pears' by the numerous Complaints you hear of doleful Swains, whofe Hearts have been purloin'd. In this I think they have got the flart of us ; we can prove our firft Sire no more than a Receiver at beft; and the Pro- verb will not ajlow the Receiver to be as good as the Thief. After this no body will contro- vert the Antiquity of this Art. It remains then, that fomething be faid for the Honour of our own Sex ; who, tho' they cannot boaft of being the Inventors of it, yet I hope to (hew, that they have made as many Improvements on it, and carried it to as high a pitch as it would bear. The Jews ftealing every thing they could wrap and rend from the ^Egyptians at their Departure, is an Ex- ploit that \ve (hall come in for at leaft half the Glory of, tho' it (hould be allowed, that the Ladies (as it often happens in modern Marches) carried the Knapfacks, and the Men only O, the TOWN in an Uproar. 53 only bore their Arms. He muft be very ig- norant of'Hiftory, who knows nor, that the ^Egyptians, a learned and wife Nation, held this Art in fuch high Efteem, that they fe- vejely puniuVd ignorant Pretenders to it. Antient Writers afliire us, that a Theft cleverly perform'd, intituled the Avtift to the Booty purloined j but if he was fo aukward, as to be detected before the Completion of his purpofe, he was turn'd over to the Hands of old Father Antique, the Law. The Lace- demonians were fb well apprized of the great Ufe and Advantage of this Art, that they early inftrufted their Children in the commen- dable Practice of Filching ; and every one knows, that the Lacedemonians were always re- puted a wife and famous People j tho' it be certain, that no other of the polite Arts and Sciences got footing amongft them. So re- markable an Inftance as that of Romulus muft not be omitted : He very wifely raked together a parcel of Thieves ; and they became the Pro- genitors of a Set of People, who, while they kept up to the Virtues of their Anceftors, were the moft powerful, the moft learned, and the moft polite Nation in the World; but when they grew rich, and their Opulence fet them above praciifing thofc l/irtties, they dwindled into nothing. That it has been the tiniverfal Pradicc (and often, the only Knowledge) of all Phi- lofophers, 54 HELL &/> the TOWN in an Uproar, jp Brentford, Feb. i. O. S. Expreffes are continually going to and fro in this City ; and 'tis faid, that there is great Likelyhood that a Congrefs will be form'd at Winder by the latter End of next Summer. WanAftoorth) Feb. 2. A Squadron of Men of War has been feen off of this Place, which is fuppos'd to be Part of the Fleet which is to join the Admiral of Monlake. Chifwick, Feb. 3. Our Country enjoys a perfect Tranquillity, and there feems to be that Harmony between our Minifters and thofe of all the Foreign Courts, that 'tis highly probable we (hall have No SHARE in their Differences. LONDON. Yefterday great Numbers of People pafs'd and repafs'd thro' Fleet- flreet, St. Paul's Church- Tard 3 Cheapfide, and other of the principal Streets of this City, as ufual. The fame Day a Dray paffing thro' "Chancery '- Lane with feveral Barrels of Strong Beer on it, one of them rowl'd over into the' Street, by which Misfortune about Three Quarts of the Liquor was unluckily loft. ' We hear, that Mr. James , who was Cook at the Rofe Tavern without Tempte- Bar, and gave an entire Satisfaction to all the Gentlemen that us'd his Matter's Houfe, is gone from thence to the Devil. 1 Yefterday a Hackney-Coach founder'd in the Strand, near Softmerfet-Hotife, but by the timely Affiftance of the Neighbourhood all the Paflengers were faved. I 2 ' WC 60 HELL upon EARTH: 1 We are credibly informed, That the fa- e mous Mr. Moore hath undertaken to deftroy e the Worms that have been of iuch pernicious ' Confequence to our Shipping in the Weft-ln- * dies, by eating into their Bottoms ; and that * he will fee fail ion? Time in March with * Two large Ships, laden with his celebrated ' Powders for that Purpofe. * On Sunday Night laft, when the Corpfe of * Tom the lub-man came to be interr'd in Stepney ' Church-yard, the Grave that had been prepared * for his Reception was ftolen away, as is fup- c pos'd, by Three Rogues in Sailors Habits, c who had been feen lurking thereabouts fome 1 Hours before ; and we hear, that Yefterday * Morning it was taken up in the Thames by John Edes the Waterman, who took up the f great overgrown Owl that was (hot on the : Top of the Tork- Buildings Water-houfe, as ' mention J d in one of our former. * Some Days fince an odd fort of an Acci- ' dent happened near B/ackwaS, where the Ship ' Sarah and Johanna from Lisbon, laden with ' Lemons and Oranges, the Judith ftom Nantz, c with Brandies, and the Lucy from Jamaica f with Sugars, falling foul of each other with c uncommon Violence, were all ftav'd to pieces, 4 and in an Inftant the River run a perfect and * well composed Punch for many Miles together, * to the great Comfort and Relief of the Sea- * faring Part of his Majefty's Subjects. Thefe extraordinary intelligible Gentlemen have furnifh'd us with other Accounts of the like Nature; as Churches knock'd down in the Night Time by Villains, and robb'd of their rich Or, the TOWN in an Uproar. 6i rich Ornaments ; Whales have by them been found in Ducking- Ponds and Ditches ; the Court has been often fent feveral Miles out of Town, when not one of the Royal Family has been out of the Palace at that Time : Difco- veries have been mnde of unheard of Villages in the County of Middiefex, as Well as in other Countries j Noblemen and Gentlemen have been fent to Seats of their own that they never heard of, and dined and fupp'd with People they never faw ; caft-orf Whores have been reconciled to their Keepers even fo far as to get married to them ; People appeared in Weftminfler-Hall upon Recognizances that had none to anfwer, and at a Time when none of the Courts were fitting ; Perfons had Places given them who had been many Years in their Graves ; Gentlemen and Tradei'men been difmounted on the Roads, robb'd of Monies and their Buckles ftolen from under their Boots, who were quietly in their Beds at the Times mentioned. Thefe are the Stores of Intelligence in their own Handf, of which they have been the blind Poffeflon to this Day. This is reforming and bringing Publick Intelligence to the higheft Perfection. After Meafures of this Kind had been car- ried on for Three Weeks and Three Days, for the common BENEFIT and Relief of the Coffee-men of the Cities of London and Weftminfter, by pub- 1 idling Ttt'o Papers , of Half a Sheet each, on every Working Day ; one in the Morning, and the other in the Evening, with the above-mentioned Portions of Fjreign and Domeftick News, the Subfcribers had a General Meeting on Saturday the 25th Day of January at Night, in order to reap the Py(>ff s aud Advantages with which their fares and HELL upon EARTH: Exa&nejfes had been attended, by way of DIVI- DED D, and to eftallifh the Undertaking on a legal Foundation, and to procure Securities for every one's Property and Share in it. The Monies being di- vided", and proper Inflruments in Law (ign'd and feal'd, they next took into Confideration the un~ tain and TfcaitfwYy State of the Things of this - *Life y and krfowing that Papers as well as Men are, mortal, and rauft foon or late die, thej? there- fore order'd the Printing of their Paper to be immediately performed near Exeter Exchange in the Strand, to the End the worfhifful and worthy Company of Upholders might be at Hand to de- cently inter it, in Cafe of fuch an Accident. Several Minutes being read, and the Sub' fcribers made acquainted with every other Pre- paration and Difpofitjon made jby the Managers for perfevering in this laudable Undertaking, they were defired to declare their Sentiments of the PROCEEDINGS of the Managers ; and all of them dtcUring they were extreamly fatisfy'd, and very ready - to perform what was enjoin'd them in the great Point of receiving this Sort of Intelligence ; and their Two A RL E arid E x P E- HIENC'D COMPILERS declaring they were ready to ftand by ;hem to the laft Drop of Ink in their Bottles, and the COLLECTORS while they had Heels to their Shooes or Shirts to their Backs, the Meeting broke up, to the Satis- faction of every one prefent. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. REC'O LD-URL OCT OCT 191998 A 000105683 7 '