UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES " While he turned up his eyes as if to holla louder, the big bear give him a dig with her paw in the seat of his pantaloons, and carried away drawers and all." Page 46. THE BIO BEAR'S ADVENTURES AND TRAVELS. >3=_r=. ' "" Wby , Captiug, we must charge you three and a quarter THIS time."-Po0e 108. PHILADELPHIA: T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S5B, by T. B. PETERSON, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in in4 for th Eastern District of Pennsylvania. THE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, OTHER SKETCHES, ILLUSTRATIVE OF CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS SOUTH AND SOUTH-WEST. EDITED BY WILLIAM T.^PORTER. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY. M Thia is your charge ; you shall comprehend all vagrom men." DOGBERRY. T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS, 306 CHESTNUT STREET. Entered, according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1846, by CAREY AND HART, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania. COLLINS, PRINTER. CONTENTS. 7HE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, .... PAGE 13 .By T. B. THORPE, Esq. of Louisiana. JONES'S FIGHT, - : - - . -82 A Story of Kentucky By an JHabamian. THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT, ' * . . 4g A Story of Michigan by a JWio- Yorker. THAT BIG DOG FIGHT AT MYERS'S, - - - -54 A Story of Mississippi By a Mississippian. HOW SIMON SUGGS " RAISED JACK," - . 62 Jl Story of OeorgiaBy an dlabamian. SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE, - - - . -80 A Story of Illinois By a Missourian. \)[ A TEXAN JOKER "IN A TIGHT PLACE," * - . 87 , Jl Story of that Ilk By an Editor. BILLY WARRIOR'S COURTSHIP AND WEDDING, - - -90 A Story of the "Old JVorth State" By a County Court Lawyer. I ^ A BULLY BOAT AND A BRAG CAPTAIN, - - - 106 I A Story of Steamboat Life on the Mississippi By SOL. SMITH. %t LETTER FROM BILLY PATTERSON HIMSELF, - - - 115 "Who hit Billy Patterson?" %5 SWIM FOR A DEER, - - - -118 M A Story of Mississippi By the "Turkey Runner." ^^ CHUNKEY'S FIGHT WITH THE PANTHERS, ... 128 A thrilling- Hunting Adventure in Mississippi. A YANKEE THAT COULDN'T TALK SPANISH, - - 140 By JOHJVA. STUART, Esq. of South Carolina. 409247 Vi CONTENTS. "OLD SENSE," OF ARKANSAS, ... PAGE 143 By " Jf." of that Ilk. STOKE STOUT, OF LOUISIANA, ..... 147 By Thorpe and Patterson, of the "Coneordia Intelligencer." LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS, ... 154 By an ex-governor of a Cotton-growing State* ANECDOTES OF THE ARKANSAS BAR, - - 159 By a Backwoods Lawyer. HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI, - - - -164 PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI, - - - -167 By Uncle Johnny. THK WAT "LIGE" SHADDOCK "SCARED UP A JACK," 175 COUSIN SALLY DILLIAHD, ..... 178 A legal Sketch, in the "Old Jforth Suu." PBEFACE. A NEW vein of literature, as original as it is inex haustible in its source, has been opened in this country within a very few years, with the most marked success. Up to the period when the publication of the first Ame rican " Sporting Magazine" was commenced at Bal timore, in 1829 and which was immediately followed by the publication, in New York, of the " Spirit of the Times" there existed no such class of writers as have, since that recent day, conferred signal honour on the rising literature of America. The New York " Con stellation," then edited by that favoured disciple of Mo- mus, the late Dr. Green, was the only journal in the country which preferred any claim to popular favour on the ground of being expressly devoted to wit and hu mor to the fun and frolic, the flash and fashion of the day. But the novel design and scope of the " Spirit of the Times" soon fixed attention ; and ere long it be came the nucleus of a new order of literary talent. In addition to correspondents who described with equal felicity and power the stirring incidents of the chase and the turf, it enlisted another and still more numer ous class, who furnished most valuable and interesting reminiscences of the pioneers of the far West sketches of thrilling scenes and adventures in that then compara 7 Till PREFACE. lively unknown region, and the extraordinary charac ters occasionally met with their strange language and habitudes, and the peculiar and sometimes fearful cha racteristics of the " squatters" and early settlers. Many of these descriptions were wrought up in a masterly style ; and in the course of a few years a generous feel ing of emulation sprung up in the south and south-west, prompted by the same impulses, until at length the cor respondents of the " Spirit of the Times" comprised a large majority of those who have subsequently distin guished themselves in this novel and original walk of literature. COOPER and PAULDING were the first to excite the imagination of the world by their inimitable delinea tions of the back-woodsmen, trappers, and boatmen of the West. But the characters and scenes which they depicted with such marvellous fidelity and effect, be longed to an earlier period before the genius of Ful ton had covered the mighty rivers of the new world in the West with a substitute for the " broad horns" and flat boats, which took the place of the frail canoes of the aboriginal inhabitants of those " happy hunting grounds." The back-woodsmen and the boatmen of the era of" The Prarie," and " Westward Ho !" having given way to a new generation, perhaps quite as inter esting and novel in their characteristics, have been, in urn, succeeded by that hardy and indomitable race, rvhose sons and daughters are now enjoying a green old age, surrounded by the evidences of the highest civilization, and in the enjoyment of all those social, moral, and intellectual blessings engendered by an en- PREFACE. IX lightened public mind, a populous region, and generally diffused wealth and prosperity. Gradually retreating before the swarm of " squat ters" and settlers in the new states and territories of the West, the " pioneers" of a later day have finally established themselves in regions so distant as rather to overlook the Pacific than the acknowledged boundaries of the Federal Union. But they have left behind them, on all hands, scores of original characters to be encoun tered nowhere else under the sun. Indeed, several of the south-western states have been so recently re claimed from the wilderness Mississippi and Arkan sas particularly that no one acquainted with the coun try can be surprised at the fact. In these two states destined each, we trust, to confer additional lustre on the galaxy originally composed of the old thirteen yet reside some of the most extraordinary men who ever lived " to point a moral, or adorn a tale." With exteriors " like the rugged Russian bear," some of them are gifted with a great degree of good sense and know ledge of the world ; it is not to be denied that many are as fond of whiskey as of hunting, and that there are desperate and utterly reckless spirits among them ; but a large majority of those to whom we refer, are charac terized by no more striking features than their courtesy to the stranger, and their passion for hunting, except it be their fondness for story-telling. Of adventures and scenes in which these characters stand out in bold re lief, this volume is mainly composed, relieved occasion ally by sketches of men and things in some of the older southern states. X PREFACE. Among those who have attracted, of late years, the most attention abroad by their sketches of life and man ners in the backwoods of America, are Col. C. F. M. NOLAND, of Arkansas, and T. B. THORPE, the artist, of Louisiana. We may be permitted to state, that Col. N. is a son of the old Dominion, was educated at West Point, was an officer m the U. S. dragoons, and since his resignation has been a resident of Arkansas, where his time is about equally divided between courts of law, the land offices, and the legislature. Mr. Thorpe, (formerly a resident of this city, where his family still resides,) is no less distinguished as a writer than a painter. Some seven years since about the period when the "American Turf Register and Sport ing Magazine" fell into our hands Mr. Thorpe en listed in the corps of gifted correspondents who made the " Spirit of the Times" their medium of communi cation with the world of letters. His sketches of the men and manners of the great valley of the Missis sippi, over the signature of " The Author of Tom Owen, the Bee Hunter," have been read and admired wherever our language is spoken. Col. MASON, " Cap tain Martin SCOTT," (of " coon" remembrance,) Gen. GIBSON, Maj. MOORE, Gen. BROOKE, and a troop of other gallant officers of the U. S. army, whom we are not permitted to name, have contributed in an infinite degree to the popularity of the " curiosities of litera ture" so recently discovered. AUDUBON, the late TIMO THY FLINT, ALBERT PIKE, and more recently CHARLES F. HOFFMAN and CATLIN, to say nothing of the fanci ful "Mary Clavers" (Mrs. KIRKLAND.) Captains PREFACE. XI CARLETON, HENRY, ana JOHNSTON of the U. S. A., ex- Gov BUTLER and Mr. SIJ?LEY, the Indian agents, the late M. C. FIELD, Mr. KENDALL, of the " Picayune," and several others whose identity we are not at liberty to disclose, have all vastly magnified, by their writings, the eager curiosity to know more of the distinguishing traits of character of the denizens of the many com paratively unpeopled regions of the West and South west. We should premise here, that several of the eminent writers just enumerated, are not represented in this volume, its limits not allowing " scope and verge enough." Moreover, of those not named, many of them would " find themselves [equally] famous" if we dared " take the responsibility" of giving their names to the world ; and accordingly, in collating the mate rials of this volume, we have selected from the files of the " Spirit of the Times" those articles deemed best calculated to answer our purpose. Most, though not all, of the different sketches in this volume appeared, originally, in the columns of that journal. Many of equal, if not superior, merit have been here omitted, on the ground that, like dressing a salad, a small but pro per proportion of salt and pepper is quite as requisite as the more material ingredients of oil and mustard. This will, we trust, be appreciated by every one who is unwilling, incontinently, to swear " on his honour, the mustard is naught." But should there arise those of a different opinion, we shall take the earliest opportunity of renewing to them Grumio's offer to the supperlesa Katherme, of " the mustard without the beef." Xll PREFACE. It is proper to add, that the tales and sketches in eluded in this volume refer to characters and scenes of recent date to men who have not only succeeded " Mike Fink, the Last of the Boatmen," but " Col. Nimrod Wildfire," and originals of his stamp. They were furnished for publication mainly by country gen tlemen, planters, lawyers, &c. "who live at home at ease." We are utterly precluded, by repeated injunc tions of secresy, from giving the " name" or " local habitation" of any one of those not designated in the introduction to the respective sketches. Their modesty should be esteemed, indeed, " a flambeau to their merit." Most of them are gentlemen not only highly educated, but endowed with a keen sense of whatever is ludicrous or pathetic, with a quick perception of cha racter, and a knowledge of men and the world : more than all, they possess in an eminent degree the power of transferring to paper the most faithful and striking pictures with equal originality and effect. In this respect they have no superiors on either side of the Atlantic. In the compilation of this little volume, the editor has been animated by a wish to make it worthy of those correspondents who have extended to him, in the con duct of two publications requiring the exercise of daily application and unceasing toil, the aid of their abler pens. To them and to the world he delivers it " with the spirit cf a man that has endeavoured well." W. T. P Office of the " Spirit of the Times" New York, Feb. 1846 THE BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, BY T. B. THORPE, ESQ. OF LOUISIANA. A.S the author of "Tom Owen the Bee Hunter," and other tales and sketches, Mr. THORPE has acquired a distinguished reputation on both sides of the Atlantic. Though by profession a painter, his time for several years past has been about equally divided between the brush and the pen. He is now engaged in the publication of the " Concordia Intelligencer," a journal of unusual ability, issued weekly in the pleasant little village situated directly opposite the city of Natchez. The New York " Spirit of the Times" was the medium through which Mr. T. first appeared before the world of letters; and his inimitable delineations of South-western characters, incidents, and scenery, soon attracted attention. Now, wherever the language is spoken, he is deemed " Great in mouths of wisest censure." It is understood to be his intention to publish, at an early day, a col lection of his writings, original and selected, to be illustrated by him self. As he is alike felicitous in the use of crayon, brush, or pen, we anticipate a brace or two of volumes of the highest pictorial and lite rary interest. The story annexed will give the reader an idea of his peculiar style in hitting off the original " characters" frequently met with in the great valley of the Mississippi. A STEAMBOAT on the Mississippi frequently, in making her regular trips, carries between places vary ing from one to two thousand miles apart ; and as these boats advertise to land passengers and freight at " all intermediate landings," the heterogeneous charac- 13 14 THE BIG BEAK ter of the passengers of one of these up-count/y boat3 can scarcely be imagined by one who has never seen it with his own eyes. Starting from New Orleans in one of these boats, you will find yourself associated with men from every state in the Union, and from every por tion of the globe ; and a man of observation need not lack for amusement or instruction in such a crowd, if he will take the trouble to read the great book of cha racter so favourably opened before him. Here may be seen jostling together the wealthy Southern planter, and the pedler of tin-ware from New England the North ern merchant, and the Southern jockey a venerable bishop, and a desperate gambler the land speculator, and the honest farmer professional men of all creeds and characters Wolvereens, Suckers, Hoosiers, Buck eyes, and Corncrackers, beside a " plentiful sprinkling" of the half-horse and half-alligator species ot men, who are peculiar to " old Mississippi," and who appear to gain a livelihood simply by going up and down the river In the pursuit of pleasure or business, I have frequently found myself in such a crowd. On one occasion, when in New Orleans, I had occa sion to take a trip of a few miles up the Mississippi, and I hurried on board the well-known " high-pressure- and-beat-every-thing" steamboat " Invincible," just as the last note of the last bell was sounding ; and when the confusion and bustle that is natural to a boat's get ting under way had subsided, I discovered that I was associated in as heterogeneous a crowd as was ever got together. As my trip was to be of a few hours' dura tion only, I made no endeavours to become acquainted OF ARKANSAS. 15 4 with my fellow passengers, most of whom would oc to gether many days. Instead of this, I took out of my pocket the "latest paper," and more critically than usual examined its contents ; my fellow passengers at the same time disposed of themselves in little groups. While I was thus busily employed in reading, and my companions were more busily still employed in discuss ing such subjects as suited their humours best, we were startled most unexpectedly by a loud Indian whoop, ut tered in the " social hall," that part of the cabin fitted off for a bar ; then was to be heard a loud crowing, which would not have continued to have interested us such sounds being quite common in that place of spirits had not the hero of these windy accomplishments stuck his head into the cabin and hallooed out, " Hurra for the Big Bar of Arkansaw!" and then might be heard a confused hum of voices, unintelligible, save in such broken sentences as " horse," " screamer," " lightning is slow," &c. As might have been expected, this con tinued interruption attracted the attention of every one in the cabin; all conversation dropped, and in the midst of this surprise the " Big Bar" walked into the cabin, took a chair, put his feet on the stove, and look ing back over his shoulder, passed the general and fa miliar salute of " Strangers, how are you ?" He then expressed himself as much at home as if he had been at " the Forks of Cypress," and " prehaps a little more so." Some of the company at this familiarity looked a little angry, and some astonished ; but in a moment every face was wreathed in a smile. There was some thing about the intruder that won the heart on siglu 16 THE BIG BEAR He appeared to be a man enjoying perfect health and contentment : his eyes were as sparkling as diamonds, and good-natured to simplicity. Then his perfect confi dence in himself was irresistibly droll. " Prehaps," said he, "gentlemen," running on without a person speaking, "prehaps you have been to New Orleans often ; I never made the first visit before, and I don't intend to make another in a crow's life. I am thrown away in that ar place, and useless, that ar a fact. Some of the gentlemen thar called me green well, prehaps I am, said I, but I arn't so at home; and if I aint off my trail much, the heads of them perlite chaps themselves wern't much the hardest ; for ac cording to my notion, they were real know-nothings, green as a pumpkin-vine could'nt, in farming, I'll bet, raise a crop of turnips : and as for shooting, they'd miss a barn if the door was swinging, and that, too, with the best rifle in the country. And then they talked to me 'bout hunting, and laughed at my calling the prin cipal game in Arkansaw poker, and high-low-jack. ' Prehaps,' said I, ' you prefer chickens and rolette ;' at this they laughed harder than ever, and asked me if I lived in the woods, and didn't know what game was? At this I rather think I laughed. 'Yes,' I roared, and says, * Strangers, if you'd asked me how we got our meat in Arkansaw, I'd a told you at once, and given you a list of varmints that would make a car avan, beginning with the bar, and ending off with the cat ; that's meat though, not game.' Game, indeed, that's what city folks call it ; and with them it means chippen-birds and shite-pokes ; maybe such trash live OF ARKANSAS. 17 in my diggins, but I arn't noticed them yet : a bird any way is too trifling. I never did shoot at but one, and I'd never forgiven myself for that, had it weighed less than forty pounds. I wouldn't draw a rifle on any thing less than that ; and when I meet with another wild turkey of the same weight I will drap him." " A wild turkey weighing forty pounds !" exclaimed twenty voices in the cabin at once. " Yes, strangers, and wasn't it a whopper ? You see, the thing was so fat that it couldn't fly far ; and when he fell out of the tree, after I shot him, on striking the ground he bust open behind, and the way the pound gobs of tallow rolled out of the opening was perfectly beautiful." " Where did all that happen ?" asked a cynical-look ing Hoosier. " Happen ! happened in Arkansaw : where else could it have happened, but in the creation state, the finishing-up country a state where the sile runs down to the centre of the 'arth, and government gives you a title to every inch of it? Then its airs just breathe them, and they will make you snort like a horse. It's a state without a fault, it is." " Excepting mosquitoes," cried the Hoosier. " Well, stranger, except them ; for it ar a fact that they are rather enormous, and do push themselves in somewhat troublesome. But, stranger, they never stick twice in the same place ; and give them a fair chance for a few months, and you will get as much above noticing them as an alligator. They can't hurt my feelings, for they lay under the skin ; and I never knew but one casa 18 THE BIG BEAR of injury resulting from them, and that was to a Yan kee : and they take worse to foreigners, any how, than they do to natives. But the way they used that fellow up ! first they punched him until he swelled up and busted ; then he sup-per-a-ted, as the doctor called it, until he was as raw as beef; then he took the ager, owing to the warm weather, and finally he took a steam boat and left the country. He was the only man that ever took mosquitoes at heart that I know of. But mosquitoes is natur, and I never find fault with her. If they ar large, Arkansaw is large, her varmints ar large, her trees ar large, her rivers ar large, and a small mos- quitoe would be of no more use in Arkansaw than preaching in a cane-brake." This knock-down argument in favour of big mosqui toes used the Hoosier up, and the logician started on a new track, to explain how numerous bear were in his " diggins," where he represented them to be " about as plenty as blackberries, and a little plentifuler." Upon the utterance of this assertion, a timid little man near me inquired if the bear in Arkansaw ever attacked the settlers in numbers. " No," said our hero, warming with the subject, " no, stranger, for you see it ain't the natur of bar to go in droves ; but the way they squander about in pairs and single ones is edifying. And then the way I hunt them the old black rascals know the crack of my gun as well as they know a pig's squealing. They grow thin in our parts, it frightens them so, and they do take the noise dreadfully, poor things. That gun of mine is a erfect epidemic among bar : if not watched closely, it OF ARKANSAS. 19 will go off as quick on a warm scent as my dog Bowie- knife will : and then that dog whew ! why the fellow thinks that the world is full of bar, he finds them so easy. It's lucky he don't talk as well as think; for with his natural modesty, if he should suddenly learn how much he is acknowledged to be ahead of all other dogs in the universe, he would be astonished to death in two minutes. Strangers, that dog knows a bar's way as well as a horse-jockey knows a woman's : he always barks at the right time, bites at the exact place, and whips without getting a scratch. I never could tell whether he was made expressly to hunt bar, or whether bar was made expressly for him to hunt : any way, I believe they were ordained to go together as naturally as Squire Jones says a man and woman is, when he moralizes in marrying a couple. In fact, Jones once said, said he, ' Marriage according to law is a civil con tract of divine origin ; it's common to all countries as well as Arkansaw, and people take to it as naturally as Jim Doggett's Bowie-knife takes to bar.' " " What season of the year do your hunts take place?" inquired a gentlemanly foreigner, who, from some pe culiarities of his baggage, I suspected to be an English man, on some hunting expedition, probably at the foot of the Rocky mountains. " The season for bar hunting, stranger," said the man of Arkansaw, " is generally all the year round, and the hunts take place about as regular. I read in history that varmints have their fat season, and their lean sea son. That is not the case in Arkansaw, feeding as they do upon the spontenacious productions of the sile, tney 38 20 THE BIG BEAR have one continued fat season the year round : though in winter things in this way is rather more greasy than in summer, I must admit. For that reason bar with us run in warm weather, but in winter they only waddle. Fat, fat ! it's an enemy to speed ; it tames every thing that has plenty of it. I have seen wild turkeys, from its influence, as gentle as chickens. Run a bar in this fat condition, and the way it improves the critter for eating is amazing ; it sort of mixes the ile up with the meat, until you can't tell t'other from which. I've done this often. I recollect one perty morning in particular, of putting an old he fellow on the stretch, and consider ing the weight he carried, he run well. But the dogs soon tired him down, and when I came up with him wasn't he in a beautiful sweat I might say fever ; and then to see his tongue sticking out of his mouth a feet, and his sides sinking and opening like a bellows, and his cheeks so fat he couldn't look cross. In this fix I blazed at him, and pitch me naked into a briar patch if the steam didn't come out of the bullet-hole ten foot in a straight line. The fellow, I reckon, was made on the high-pressure system, and the lead sort of bust his biler." " That column of steam was rather curious, or else the bear must have been warm," observed the foreigner, with a laugh. " Stranger, as you observe, that bar was WARM, and the blowing off of the steam show'd it, and also how hard the varmint had been run. I have no doubt if he had kept on two miles farther his insides would have been stewed ; and I expect to meet with a varmint yet of OF ARKANSAS. 21 extra bottom, who will run himself into a skinfull of bar's grease: it is possible; much onlikelier things have happened." " Whereabouts are these bears so abundant ?" in quired the foreigner, with increasing interest. " Why, stranger, they inhabit the neighbourhood of my settlement, one of the prettiest places on old Mis sissippi a perfect location, and no mistake ; a place that had some defects until the river made the 'cut-off' at ' Shirt-tail bend,' and that remedied the evil, as it brought my cabin on the edge of the river a great ad vantage in wet weather, I assure you, as you can now roll a barrel of whiskey into my yard in high water from a boat, as easy as falling off a log. It's a great im provement, as toting it by land in a jug, as I used to do, evaporated it too fast, and it became expensive. Just stop with me, stranger, a month or two, or a year if you like, and you will appreciate my place. I can give you plenty to eat ; for beside hog and hominy, you can have bar-ham, and bar-sausages, and a mattrass of bar-skins to sleep on, and a wildcat-skin, pulled off hull, stuffed with corn-shucks, for a pillow. That bed would put you to sleep if you had the rheumatics in every .joint in your body. I call that ar bed a quietus. Then look at my land the government ain't got another such a piece to dispose of. Such timber, and such bottom land, why you can't preserve any thing natural you plant in it unless you pick it young, things thar will grow ou* of shape so quick. I once planted in those diggins a few potatoes and beets : they took a fine start, and aftei that an ox team couldn't have kept them from growing. 22 THE BIG BEAR About that time I went off to old Kentuck on bisiness, and did not hear from them things in three months, when I accidentally stumbled on a fellow who had stop ped at my place, with an idea of buying me out. ' How did you like things ?' said I. ' Pretty well,' said he ; ' the cabin is convenient, and the timber land is good ; but that bottom land ain't worth the first red cent.' ' Why?' said I. ''Cause,' said he. ''Cause what?' said I. ' 'Cause it's full of cedar stumps and Indian mounds,' said he, ' and it can't be cleared.' ' Lord,' said I, ' them ar "cedar stumps" is beets, and them ar "Indian mounds" ar tater hills.' As I expected, the crop was overgrown and useless : the sile is too rich, and plant ing in Arkansaw is dangerous. I had a good-sized sow killed in that same bottom land. The old thief stole an ear of corn, and took it down where she slept at night to eat. Well, she left a grain or two on the ground, and lay down on them : before morning the corn shot up, and the percussion killed her dead. I don't plant any more : natur intended Arkansaw for a hunting ground, and I go according to natur." The questioner who thus elicited the description of our hero's settlement, seemed to be perfectly satisfied, and said no more; but the "Big Bar of Arkansaw" rambled on from one thing to another with a volubility perfectly astonishing, occasionally disputing with those around him, particularly with a " live Sucker" from Illinois, who had the daring to say that our Arkansaw friend's stories " smelt rather tall." In this manner the evening was spent ; but conscious that my own association with so singular a personage OF ARKANSAS. 23 would probably end before morning, I asked him if he would not give me a description of some particular bear hunt ; adding, that I took great interest in such things, though I was no sportsman. The desire seemed to please him, and he squared himself round towards me, saying, that he could give me an idea of a bar hunt that was never beat in this world, or in any other. His man ner was so singular, that half of his story consisted in his excellent way of telling it, the great peculiarity of which was, the happy manner he had of emphasizing the prominent parts of his conversation. As near as I can recollect, I have italicized them, and given the story in his own words. " Stranger," said he, "in bar hunts I am numerous, and which particular one, as you say, I shall tell, puz zles me. There was the old she devil I shot at the Hurricane last fall then there was the old hog thief I popped over at the Bloody Crossing, and then Yes, I have it ! I will give you an idea of a hunt, in which the greatest bar was killed that ever lived, none excepted ; about an old fellow that I hunted, more or less, for two or three years ; and if that ain't a particular bar hunt, I ain't got one to tell. But in the first place, stranger, let me say, I am pleased with you, because you ain't ashamed to gain information by asking, and listening , and that's what I say to Countess's pups every day when I'm home ; and I have got great hopes of them ar pups, because they are continually nosing about ; and though they stick it sometimes in the wrong place, they gain experience any how, and may learn something useful to boot. Well, as I was saying about this big 24 THEBIGBEAR bar, you see when I and some more first settled in our region, we were drivin to hunting naturally ; we soon liked it, and after that we found it an easy matter to make the thing our business. One old chap who had pioneered 'afore us, gave us to understand that we had settled in the right place. He dwelt upon its merits until it was affecting, and showed us, to prove his as sertions, more marks on the sassafras trees than I ever saw on a tavern door 'lection time. ' Who keeps that ar reckoning ?' said I. ' The bar,' said he. ' What for ?' said I. ' Can't tell,' said he ; ' but so it is : the bar bite the bark and wood too, at the highest point from the ground they can reach, and you can tell, by the marks,' said he, ' the length of the bar to an inch.' ' Enough,' said I ; ' I've learned something here a'ready, and I'll put it in practice.' Well, stranger, just one month from that time I killed a bar, and told its exact length before I measured it, by those very marks ; and when I did that, I swelled up considerable I've been a prouder man ever since. So I went on, laming something every day, until I was reckoned a buster, and allowed to be decidedly the best bar hunter in my district ; and that is a reputation as much harder to earn thp.n to be reckoned first man in Congress, as an iron ramrod is harder than a toad stool. Did the varmints grow over-cunning by being fooled with by green-horn hunters, and by this means get troublesome, they send for mt- as a matter of course ; and thus I do my own hunting, and most of my neigh bours'. I walk into the varmints though, and it has become about as much the same to me as drinking. OF ARKANSAS. 25 It is told in two sentences a bar is started, and he is killed. The thing is somewhat monotonous now I know just how much they will run, where they will tire, how much they will growl, and what a thundering time I will have in getting them home. I could give you this history of the chase with all the particulars at the com mencement, I know the signs so well Stranger, Fm certain. Once I met with a match though, and I will tell you about it ; for a common hunt would not be worth relating. " On a fine fall day, long time ago, I was trailing about for bar, and what should I see but fresh marks on the sassafras trees, about eight inches above any in the forests that I knew of. Says I, * them marks is a hoax, or it indicates the d 1 bar that was ever grown.' In fact, stranger, I couldn't believe it was real, and I went on. Again I saw the same marks, at the same height, and I knew the thing lived. That conviction came home to my soul like an earthquake. Says I, ' here is some thing a-purpose for me : that bar is mine, or I give up the hunting business.' The very next morning what should I see but a number of buzzards hovering over my corn-field. ' The rascal has been there,' said I, ' for that sign is certain :' and, sure enough, on examin ing, I found the bones of what had been as beautiful a hog the day before, as was ever raised by a Buck eye. Then I tracked the critter out of the field to the woods, and all the marks he left behind, showed me that he was the bar. + " Well, stranger, the first fair chase I ever had with that big critter, I saw him no less than three distinct 26 THEBIGBEAR times at a distance : the dogs run him over eighteen miles and broke down, my horse gave out, and I was us nearly used up as a man can be, made on my prin ciple, which is patent. Before this adventure, such things were unknown to me as possible ; but, strange as it was, that bar got me used to it before I was done with him ; for he got so at last, that he would leave me on a long chase quite easy. How he did it, I never could understand. That a bar runs at all, is puzzling ; but how this one could tire down and bust up a pack of hounds and a horse, that were used to overhauling everything they started after in no time, was past my understanding. Well, stranger, that bar finally got so sassy, that he used to help himself to a hog off my pre mises whenever he wanted one ; the buzzards followed after what he left, and so, between bar and buzzard, I rather think I was out of pork. " Well, missing that bar so often took hold of my vitals, and I wasted away. The thing had been carried too far, and it reduced me in flesh faster than an ager. I would see that bar in every thing I did : he hunted me, and that, too, like a devil, which I began to think he was. While in this fix, I made preparations to give him a last brush, and be done with it. Having com pleted every thing to iny satisfaction, I started at sun rise, and to my great joy, I discovered from the way the dogs run, that they were near him ; finding his trail was nothing, for that had become as plain to the pack as a turnpike road. .On we went, and coming to an open country, what should I see but the bar very lei surely ascending a hill, and the dogs close at his heels, OF ARKANSAS. 27 either a match for him this time in speed, or else he did not care to get out of their way I don't know which. But wasn't he a beauty, though? I loved him 'ike a brother. " On he went, until he carne to a tree, the limbs of which formed a crotch about six feet from the ground. Into this crotch he got and seated himself, the dogs yell ing all around it; and there he sat eyeing them as quiet as a pond in low water. A green-horn friend of mine, in company, reached shooting distance before me, and blazed away, hitting the critter in the centre of his forehead. The bar shook his head as the ball struck it, and then walked down from that tree as gently as a lady would from a carriage. 'Twas a beautiful sight to see him do that he was in such a rage that he seemed to be as little afraid of the dogs as if they had been sucking pigs ; and the dogs warn't slow in making a ring around him at a respectful distance, I tell you ; even Bowie-knife, himself, stood off. Then the way his eyes flashed why the fire of them would have singed a cat's hair ; in fact that bar was in a u-ralh all over. Only one pup came near him, and he was brushed out so to tally with the bar's left paw, that he entirely disappeared ; and that made the old dogs more cautious still. In the mean time, I came up, and taking deliberate aim as a man should do, at his side, just back of his foreleg, if niy gun did not snap, call me a coward, and I won't take it personal. Yes, stranger, it snapped, and I could not find a cap about my person. While in this predica ment, I turned round to my fool friend says I. ' Bill,' says I, ' you're an ass you're a fool you might as 28 THE BIG BEAR well have tried to kill that bar by barking the tree un der his belly, as to have done it by hitting him in the head. Your shot has made a tiger of him, and blast me, if a dog gets killed or wounded when they come to blows, I will stick my knife into your liver, I will ' my wrath was up. I had lost my caps, my gun had snapped, the fellow with me had fired at the bar's head, and I expected every moment to see him close in with the dogs, and kill a dozen of them at least. In this thing I was mistaken, for the bar leaped over the ring formed by the dogs, and giving a fierce growl, was off the pack, of course, in full cry after him. The run this time was short, for coming to the edge of a lake the varmint jumped in, and swam to a little island in the lake, which it reached just a moment before the dogs. ' I'll have him now,' said I, for I had found my caps in the lining of my coat so, rolling a log into the lake, I paddled myself across to the island, just as the dogs had cornered the bar in a thicket. I rushed up and fired at the same time the critter leaped over the dogs and came within three feet of me, running like mad; he jumped into the lake, and tried to mount the log I had just deserted, but every time he got half his body on it, it would roll over and send him under; the dogs, too, got around him, and pulled him about, and finally Bowie-knife clenched with him, and they sunk into the lake together. Stranger, about this time I was excited, and I stripped off my coat, drew my knife, and intended to have taken a part with Bowie-knife myself, when the bar rose to the surface. But the varmint staid under Bowie-knife ame up alone, more dead ' He jumped into the lake and tried to mount th log." Page 2S. OF ARKANSAS. 29 than alive, and with the pack came ashore. ' Thank God,' said I, ' the old villain has got his deserts at last.' Determined to have the body, I cut a grape-vine for a rope, and dove down where I could see the bar in the water, fastened my queer rope to his leg, and fished him, with great difficulty, ashore. Stranger, may I be chawed to death by young alligators, if the thing I looked at wasn't a she bar, and not the old critter after all. The way matters got mixed on that island was onaccountably curious, and thinking of it made me more than ever convinced that I was hunting the devil himself. I went home that night and took to my bed the thing was killing me. The entire team of Ar- kansaw in bar-hunting, acknowledged himself used up, and the fact sunk into my feelings like a snagged boat will in the Mississippi. I grew as cross as a bar with two cubs and a sore tail. The thing got out 'mong my neighbours, and I was asked how come on that individ- u-al that never lost a bar when once started ? and if that same individ-u-al didn't wear telescopes when he turned a she bar, of ordinary size, into an old he one, a little larger than a horse? 'Prehaps,' said I, 'friends' getting wrathy ' prehaps you want to call somebody a liar.' ' Oh, no,' said they, ' we only heard such things as being rather common of late, but we don't believe one word of it ; oh, no,' and then they would ride off and laugh like so many hyenas over a dead nigger. It was too much, and I determined to catch that bar, go t Texas, or die, and I made my preparations accordin 7 . I had the pack shut up and rested. I took my rifle to pieces, and iled it. I put caps in every pocket about 30 THEBIGBEAR my person, for fear of the lining. I then told my neigh bours, that on Monday morning naming the day I would start THAT BAR, and bring him home with me, or they might divide my settlement among them, the owner having disappeared. Well, stranger, on the morning previous to the great day of my hunting expedition, I went into the woods near my house, taking my gun and Bowie-knife along, just from habit, and there sitting down also from habit, what should I see, getting over my fence, but the bar ! Yes, the old varmint was within a hundred yards of me, and the way he walked over that fence stranger, he loomed up like a black mist, he seemed so large, and he walked right towards me. I raised myself, took deliberate aim, and fired. In stantly the varmint wheeled, gave a yell, and walked through the fence like a falling tree would through a cobweb. I started after, but was tripped up by my in expressibles, which either from habit, or the excitement of the moment, were about my heels, and before I had really gathered myself up, I heard the old varmint groaning in a thicket near by, like a thousand sinners, and by the time I reached him he was a corpse. Stran ger, it took five niggers and myself to put that carcase on a mule's back, and old long-ears waddled under his load, as if he was foundered in every leg of his body, and with a common whopper of a bar, he would have trotted off, and enjoyed himself. 'T would astonish you to know how big he was : I made a bed-spread of his skin, and the way it used to cover my bar mattress, and leave several feet on each side to tuck up, would have delighted you. It was in fact a creation bar, and if it OF ARKANSAS. 31 had lived in Samson's time, and had met him, in a fair fight, it would have licked him in the twinkling of a dice-box. But, stranger, I never liked the way I hunt ed him, and missed him. There is something curious about it, I could never understand, and I never was satisfied at his giving in so easy at last. Prehaps, he had heard of my preparations to hunt him the next day, so he jist come in, like Capt. Scott's coon, to save his wind to grunt with in dying ; but that ain't likely. My private opinion is, that that bar was an unhuntable bar, and died when his time come." When the story was ended, our hero sat some mi nutes with his auditors in a grave silence ; I saw there was a mystery to him connected with the bear whose death he had just related, that had evidently made a strong impression on his mind. It was also evident that there was some superstitious awe connected with the affair, a feeling common with all " children of the * o wood," when they meet with any thing out of their every day experience. He was the first one, however, to break the silence, and jumping up, he asked all present to " liquor" before going to bed, a thing which he did, with a number of companions, evidently to his heart's content. Long before day, I was put ashore at my place of destination, and I can only follow with the reader, in imagination, our Arkansas friend, in his adventures at the " Forks of Cypress" on the Mississippi. JONES' MGHT, A STORY OF KENTUCKY BY AN ALABAMIAN. The inimitable story which follows, was, like ihe preceding one, writ ten for the New York " Spirit of the Times," where it first appeared in January, 1840; but such has been the demand for it, that it has been republished in the same journal more than once. The writer, who is also the author of "A Quarter Race in Kentucky," is a planter of North Alabama, and a gentleman of family and fortune. Greatly does the editor regret that his lips are sealed as to the name and lo cal habitation of this favoured disciple ol'Momus. In many respects, " Jones' Fight" is hardly surpassed by any sketch in the language not even by Tom Hood's " Antiquity of Horse Racing." No appeals to the writer for vanity or cupidity " is not in him" will induce him to write oftenerthan " when the ' Spirit' moves." Few gentle men are better known in the sporting world, as a breeder and turf man, or who have more distinguished themselves by their wealth, enterprise and spirit. COL. DICK JONES was decidedly the great man of the village of Summerville. He was colonel of the regiment he had represented his district in congress he had been spoken of as candidate for governor he was at the head of the bar in Hawkins county, Ken tucky, and figured otherwise largely in public life. His legal opinion and advice were highly valued by the senior part of the population his dress and taste was law to the juniors his easy, affable, and attentive manner charmed all the matrons his dignified polite ness captivated the young ladies and his suavity 32 JONES' FIGHT. 33 and condescension delighted the little boarding-school misses. He possessed a universal smattering of infor mation his manners were the most popular ; extremely friendly and obliging, lively and witty; and, in short, he was a very agreeable companion. Yet truth requires it to be admitted, that Col. Dick Jones was professionally more specious than deep, and that his political advancement was owing to personal partiality more than superior merit that his taste and dress were of questionable propriety: for instance, he occasionally wore a hunting-shirt white fringed, or a red waistcoat, or a fawn-skin one, or a calico morning- gown of a small yellow pattern, and he indulged in other similar vagaries in clothing. And in manners and deportment, there was an air of harmless (true Vir ginian bred and Kentucky raised) self-conceit and swagger, which, though not to be admired, yet it gave piquancy and individuality to his character. If further particulars are required, I can only state that the colonel boarded at the Eagle hotel his office, in the square, fronted the court-house he was a ma nager of all the balls he was vice-president of the Summer ville Jockey Club he was trustee of the Fe male Academy he gallanted the old ladies to church, holding his umbrella over them in the sun, and escort ed the young ladies, at night, to the dances or parties, always bringing out the smallest ones. He rode a high headed, proud-looking sorrel horse, with a streak down his face ; and he was a general referee and umpire, whether it was a horse swap, a race, a rifle match, 01 a cock fight. C 34 JONES' FIGHT. It so chanced, on a time, though Col. Jones was one of the best-natured of men, that he took umbrage at some report circulated about him in an adjoining county and one of his districts, to the effect that he had been a federalist during the last war ; and, instead of rely ing on the fact of his being a school-boy on Mill Creek at that time, he proclaimed, at the tavern table, that the next time he went over the mountain to court, Bill Patterson, the reputed author of the slander, should either sign a liebill, fight, or run. This became narrated through the town, the case and argument of the difference was discussed among the patriarchs of the place, who generally came to the conclusion that the colonel had good cause of quarrel, as more had been said of him than an honourable man could stand. The young store boys of the village be came greatly interested, conjectured how the fight would go, and gave their opinions what they would do under similar circumstances. The young lawyers, and young M. D.'s, as often as they were in the colonel's company, introduced the subject of the expected fight. On such occasions, the colonel spoke carelessly and banteringly. Some good old ladies spoke deprecating- ly, in the general and in the particular, that so good and clever a young man as Colonel Dick should set so bad an example; and the young ladies, and little misses, bless their dear little innocent souls, they only consulted their own kind hearts, and were satisfied that he must be a wicked and bad man that Colonel Jones would fight. Spring term of the courts came on, and the lawyers JONES' FIGHT. 35 all started on their circuit, and, with them, Col. Jones went over the mountain. The whole town was alive to the consequences of this trip, and without much com munion or understanding on the subject, most of the population either gathered at the tavern at his depar ture, or noticed it from a distance, and he rode off, gaily saluting his acquaintances, and raising his hat to the ladies, on both sides of the street, as he passed out of town. From that time, only one subject engaged the thoughts of the good people of Summerville; and on the third day the common salutation was, " Any news from over the mountain ?" " Has any one come down the road ?" The fourth, fifth, and sixth came, and still the public anxiety was unappeased : it had, with the delay, be come insufferable, quite agonizing ; business and occu pation was at a stand still ; a doctor or a constable would not ride to the country lest news of the fight might arrive in their absence. People in crossing the square, or entering or coming out of their houses, all had their heads turned up that road. And many, though ashamed to confess it, sat up an hour or two past their usual bed-time, hoping some one would return from court. Still all was doubt and uncertainty. There is an unaccountable perversity in these things that bothers conjecture. I watched the road from Louisville two days, to hear of Grey Eagle beating Wagner, on which T had one hundred dollars staked, of borrowed money, and no one came ; though before that, some person passed every hour. On the seventh morning, the uneasy public were con- 39 36 JONES' FIGHT. soled by the certainty that the lawyers must be home that day, as court seldom held a week, and the univer sal resolve seemed to be that nothing was to be attend ed to until they were satisfied about the fight. Store keepers and their clerks, saddlers, hatters, cabinet makers, and their apprentices, all stood out at the doors. The hammer ceased to ring on the anvil, and the bar keeper would scarcely walk in to put away the stran ger's saddle-bags, who had called for breakfast ; when suddenly a young man, that had been walking from one side of the street to the other, in a state of feverish anxiety, thought he saw dust away up the road, and stopped. I have been told a man won a wager in Philadelphia, on his collecting a crowd by staring, with out speaking, at an opposite chimney. So no sooner was this young man's point noticed, than there was a general reconnoissance of the road made, and before long, doubt became certainty, when one of the company declared he knew the colonel's old sorrel riding-horse, " General Jackson," by the blaze on his face. In the excited state of the public mind it required no ringing of the court-house bell to convene the people ; those down street walked up, and those across the square came over, and all gathered gradually at the Eagle hotel, and nearly all were present by the time Col. Jones alighted. He had a pair of dark green specks on, his right hand in a sling, with brown paper bound round his wrist ; his left hand held the bridle, and the forefinger of it wrapped with a linen rag " with care.*' One of his ears was covered with a muslin scrap, that looked much like the countrywomen's plan JONES' FIGHT. 37 of covering their butter when coming to market ; his face was clawed all over, as if he had had it raked by a cat held fast by the tail ; his head was unshorn, it being " too delicate an affair," as * * * said about his wife's character. His complexion suggested an idea to a philosophical young man present, on which he wrote a treatise, dedicated to Arthur Tappan, proving that the negro was only a white well pummelled ; and his general swelled appearance would induce a belief he had led the forlorn hope in the storming of a bee hive. The colonel's manner did not exactly proclaim " the conquering hero," but his affability was undiminished, and he addressed them with, " Happy to see you, gents ; how are you all?" and then attempted to enter the ta vern ; but Buck Daily arrested him with, " Why, colo nel, I see you have had a skrimmage. How did you make it ! You didn't come out at the little eend of the horn, did you ?" " No, not exactly, I had a tight fit of it, though. You know Bill Patterson ; he weighs one hundred and seventy-five pounds, has not an ounce of superfluous flesh, is as straight as an Indian, and as active as a wildcat, and as quick as powder, and very much of a man, I assure you. Well, my word was out to lick him ; so I hardly put up my horse before I found him at the court-house door, and, to give him a white man's chance, I proposed alternatives to him. He said his daddy, long ago, told him never to give a liebill, and he was not good at running, so he thought he had best fight. By the time the word was fairly out. I haul ed off, and took him in the burr of the ear that raised 38 JONES' FIGHT. a singing in bis head, that made him think he was hi Mosquitoe town. At it we went, like killing snakes, so good a man, so good a boy ; we had it round and round, and about and about, as dead a yoke as ever pulled at a log chain. Judge Mitchell was on the bench, and as soon as the cry of " fight" was raised, the bar and jury ran off and left him. He shouted, " I command the peace," within the court-house, and then ran out to see the fight, and cried out, "I can't prevent you !" " fair fight !" " stand back !" and he caught parson Benefield by the collar of the coat, who, he thought, was about to interfere, and slung him on his back at least fifteen feet. " It was the evenest and longest fight ever fought : every body was tired of it, and I must admit, in truth, that I was" (here he made an effort to enter the tavern.) But several voices called out, " Which whipped ? How did you come out?" "Why, much as I tell you ; we had it round and round, about and about, over and under. I could throw him at rastle, but he would ma nage some way to turn me. Old Sparrowhawk was there, who had seen all the best fighting at Natchez, under the hill, in the days of Dad Girty and Jim Snod- grass, and he says my gouging was beautiful ; one of Bill's eyes is like the mouth of an old ink bottle, only, as the fellow said, describing the jackass by the mule, it is more so. But, in fact, there was no great choice between us, as you see. I look like having ran into a brush fence of a dark night. So we made it round and round, and about and about" (here again he attempted retreat into the tavern.) But many voices demanded, Why, much as I toll you; we had it round and round, about and about, over and under." Pagt 38. JONES' FIGHT. 41 "Who hollered?" "Which gave up?" "How did you hurt your hand?" " Oh ! I forgot to tell you, that as I aimed a sockdollager at him he ducked his head, and he can dodge like a diedapper, and hitting him awkwardly, I sprained my wrist ; so, being like the fel low who, when it rained mush, had no spoon, I changed the suit and made a trump and went in for eating. In the scuffle we fell, cross and pile, and, while he was chawing my finger, my head was between his legs ; his woollen jean britches did not taste well, but I found a bare place, where the seat had worn out, and meat in abundance ; so I laid hold of a good mouthful, but the bit came out ; and finding his appetite still good for my finger, I adopted Doctor Bones', the toothsmith's, patent method of removing teeth without the aid of instru ments, and I extracted two of his incisors, and then I could put my finger in or out at pleasure. However, 1 shall, for some time, have an excuse for wearing gloves without being thought proud." (He now tried to escape wider cover of a laugh.) But vox populi again. " So you tanned him, did you ?" " How did the fight finish ?" "You were not parted?" "You fought it out, did you ?" The colonel resumed, " Why, there is no tell ing how the fight might have gone ; an old Virginian, who had seen Francesco, and Otey, and Lewis, and Blevins, and all the best men of the day, said he had never seen any one stand up to their fodder better than we did. We had fought round and round, and about and about, all over the court-yard, and, at last, just to end the fight, every body was getting tired of it ; so, at 1 a a st, I hollered. (Exit colonel.) THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT, A STORY OF MICHIGAN BY A NEW YORKER. Among the most promising young writers of the day, is the author of a series of sketches which have appeared within a few years in the New York " Spirit of the Times," purporting to have been discovered among the "unfinished papers of the late editor of the ' Kalamazoo Advocate and Journal.' " The " late editor" referred to, " went crazy" one fine day, the reader is given to understand, from the com bined effects of fright, deep potations, and Tom Haines and was, in consequence, incapacitated from occupying longer the editorial chair. The following report of " The Great Kalamazoo Hunt," purports to have been written by one of the late editor's "printer's devils," who accompanied his "boss" on the expedition. We must premise that the hunt had been for some weeks previously " the town talk" that those engaged in getting it up, had met nightly at the " doggery" or tavern of a certain Major Bristol, to " talk the thing over," and that it was originally planned by Tom Haines and the " late editor," in, the confident hope and expectation of enjoying " the tallest kind of a spree 1" ON the morning of the hunt I got out of bed about half an hour after daylight, and went down into the boss's office, or room, or whatever he called it, to see if he was up ; but when I came to look round, blessed if he'd been to hum all night. There stood the bed just as it is in the day-time, looking as much like a book case as it could, and every thing else all natural. So 42 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 43 thinks I to myself, thinks I, per'aps he's down to the major's. Well, so down I went, and there, sure enough, he was, and about a dozen others, jist up. That is, they had jist rolled off the benches on which they had slept all night. I tell you what, that party did look streaky. " Hallo !" says old Haines to the boss, " how are you, old fellow? Pleasant dreams last night, hey?" " Curse that rum sling there was too much sugar in it, which leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth this morning. How is't with you, hey ?" " For 's sake," said the boss, " don't croak so, Tom, don't. You'll drive me mad with your cursed din. Be a Christian once in your life, and just knock the bar-keeper up, and let's medicine." Well, old Haines was a Christian that time, and after all the party had took a drink, except the boss, for he took two, the first being too sweet, the fellows got to gether their shooting traps, and made ready to be off. So the boss he gets up on a chair and makes them a speech, telling each one as how he should go, and says he, " as Haines and myself are about half of each other, I reckon we'll jine, make one, and go together this time." They all agreed, and started off, leaving the boss, Haines, an' me at the major's. " Now," said the boss, " suppose we licker agin, and then fill that case-bottle up there," p'inting to one in the bar " and be off too." " Agreed," said old Haines. So I filled the bottle with cider-brandy, and off we went for Long Swamp. There wasn't anvthinff of particular account as 44 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. occurred while we were making for the swamp, except the boss would lag behind and take a sly pull at the case-bottle, when he thought old Haines wouldn't see. So all went on very quiet until we arrived down at the north end. " Now," says old Haines, " suppose, 'squire, we drink fust, and load afterwards ?" " Exactly," said the boss. So they took a drink apiece, and old Haines went to work loading up his old big bore, with as much care as a gal fixes herself when she slicks up. Well, after he had got the ball home, he took a squint at the priming, and then you should have heard how he took on. I swow to man, I thought he'd strike the boss. Some fel low had taken the powder out of his horn and put in black sand, and that wasn't the worst of it, they sarved the boss jist the same. "What's to be done now?" asked the boss, after Haines had blowed himself out. " Well," said he, " I don't know any better way than to keep down the middle of the swamp until we meet with some of the boys, get some ammunition of them, and then strike off on our own account." So we trarnpoosed along down the edge of the swamp till we came to a track, when we turned in Ingin file, and kept on about a mile or so, climbing over stumps, wading through mud-holes, tearing through cat briers, and stumbling among bogs, and at last found ourselves in an open piece about a pole across, which was per fectly dry, with two large oak trees standing some ten feet apart. " Hold on, Haines," says the boss, " let's pull up THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 45 here and take some grub. You haint had any break fast, nor I neither ; so you take that tree and I'll take this, and we'll eat and rest a bit." " Agreed," said Haines. " There aint much use of going too fast, and we might as well pull up a bit here as not. 'Squire, suppose we liquor?" Well, old Haines and the boss sat down, and I fixed the things for them, not forgetting to leave the bottle ; and, thinks I to myself, I reckon I'll start on a piece and look after some of the boys. So on I goes for about a two or three miles, without seeing anything of any of them ; and beginning to feel tired, I turned round and put back agin. Well, when I got, as I thought, about where I left the boss and Haines, I heard a kind of growling and rustling, as if there was pigs huntin' after acorns. Holloa, says I to myself, what's this? I'll jist peep in the brush and see what it is. So I turns in out of the track, and by gosh, if there wasn't the boss behind one tree, and old Haines behind an other, each dodging a bear. Holloa ! says I, this is a fix ! What's to be done now ? So I hides behind a thick ivy bush, and looks on a spell ; but I had to laugh. There stood the boss behind a tree, with his legs one side and his head t'other, and whenever the bear would make a pass at him round one way, he dodged round the other ; while old Haines kept his head a-going from one side to the other, and danced round and back jist as if he weighed one stone in place of eighteen. "My God!" said old Haines to the boss, when his bear kept still a moment, and gin him a chance to 46 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. breathe " if this work keeps on much longer, curse me if I don't have to give up. I can't stand it, by all that's holy. Holler, 'Squire, for I can't, and see if you can't bring that boy back." " I can't holla, Haines, I can't," said boss, " the ani mal is so infernally bent on grabbing my (Good Lord, he liked to have had me that time !) leg. Try, Haines, yourself! do, there's a good fellow ! That animal af ter you aint a she one, and mine is I know by its being so infernal artful. Ugh ! you bitch !" said the boss, shaking his fist at the one as was after him, as she stood on her hind legs, grabbing at him round the tree, with her head half way round, to see exactly where he was. " Can't we change trees?" asked Haines, " for I've got tired running round one way, and the cursed brute won't alter the track." "Hey! hollo! hey!" sung out the boss for me, " ho, hoop, ha 'r 'r 'r," and by gosh, while he turned up his eyes as if to holla louder, the bear give him a dig with her paw in the seat of his pantaloons, and carried away drawers and all. "Oh!" said the boss, and he put one hand behind to feel what damage was done, and darted round t'other side quicker. " Curse me if I keep this position much longer, Haines ! I'll take the path and make a run for it ! This is playing bo-peep with a vengeance ! It's altogether too exciting to be plea sant a pretty position for the editor of the ' Ad vocate and Journal' to be placed in a dodging bears round chestnut trees ! curse me if I can stand it any longer." But Haines hadn't any time to attend to what the THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 49 saying, for t'other bear kept Lirn on the move, so tk>t he was all eyes, and no care for any thing else and the t\vo kept dodging and twisting, and heading off each other with great alertness and perseverance. " I wish I had a slight drop of something," said the boss to himself, for there was no use talking to Ilaines; he hadn't time to answer. "I th:nk I could keep this up somewhat longer, but without something strength ening I must knock under, that's a fact. No editor of flesh and blood could do it, and what's more, curse me if I do." He went on getting wrathy. "Look here, Ilaines! I tell you what, this can't last much longer without coming to some pass or other." " I, too, Katey," replied Haines ; " but may I never taste any thing stronger than water if I don't think we've come to a pretty considerable d d pass already. Here I am scouting round this infernal tree, first on one side then t'other, dodging here and there, headed off and chased round, making myself a cursed jinny-spinner, dry as , and as hot as thunder, and you yelling out to me to get you out of jist sich a fix as I am in myself. Curse the bitch, why don't you ah ! why don't you mesmerise her !" But it wasn't any use for them to get wrathy the bears didn't give them time to get in a passion, for it takes the boss and Haines ten minutes to fire up strong when they talk politics ; and as they were just at that time, they didn't get a minute, even to think. Well, after I had looked out for about fifteen minutes or so, and seed the boss begin to get desperately fright ened, and old Haines sweating like a pitcher with ice- 50 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. water in it, and looking all-fired tired, thinks I, I heard a gun back north some time ago ; I guess I'll try and hunt up that fellow, and get him to come and shoot one of these varmint, so as to get our boss out of the scrape. So back I went, and in half an hour I found old Bullet poking around among a parcel of gorse and furze, look ing after a partridge that he had killed when I heard his gun go off; and as soon as I told him how matters stood with the boss and Haines, he loaded right up, and started away like a fire-engine under a full head of steam, and made tracks straight ahead, without steer ing clear of anything. Bullet drove on so fast, that when we came up to where the old 'uns were, I was so all-fired blowed that I hadn't wind enough left to laugh. There they was, just as I had left them, dodging and sliding round, and the bears growling and snapping like all natur. Old Haines had got so warm that he had pulled off his cra vat, coat, and waistcoat, and had unbuttoned his shirt at the neck and wristbands, awaiting a chance to duck his head and get that off too. I verily believe that, fat as he is, he did think of climbing the tree, just to vary the amusement. As for the boss, he wa* jerking his head from one side to the other, just like xhat Dutch figure on cousin Sally's mantel-piece ; and I do believe if he had kept on for about an hour more, he wouldn't have had a hair left on his scalp. He's a littlu Wld on top as it is. As soon as we got near enough I hollered out t*> old Haines, so as he might know there was somebody jigh at band ; and as soon as ever he seed Bullet with fci THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 51 gun, didn't the old fellow look glad, and for fear Bullet would want to poke fun at him, and keep him dodging a little longer, you ought to have heard him try to peti tion and pray. But it wouldn't do ; if ever he learnt how, he'd forgot, I reckon, though he never had any schooling in that line. " Oh, Bullet," says he, "if you ever heer'd minster Damenhall tell about the next world, and you have a look to be saved, and just think about my da'ter, to hum, and the old woman (though you needn't lay any great stress on her in particular.) You know, Bullet, we don't know where we may go to. Oh ! Lord, look down on Bullet I mean the Squire and I and give us grace (why don't you fire, you cursed fool ? Do, that's a good fellow) and the Squire will ever pray. May we live so as to look forward (Bullet, I'll give you a pint of apple-jack the very minute I get back to the Major's, if you'll only fire quick) and may our hearts be bound up with grace (why, in the name of , don't you blow this brute's brains out, and be cursed to you ? I'll lick you like thunder, I will !) For all our past sins be merciful (I'll let you off that quarter you owe me, Bullet,) that we may live a godly, righte ous, and sober or at least moderate life; preserve us, oh Lord." I don't know whether the old fellow could have gone on any longer, but I hadn't a chance to know, for Bul let, who had got into thick cover, drew upon the var mint, and put a ball clean through its head. The other one scampered off as soon as he heard the report, and was hunted up next day, and killed by Bill Winkle. 52 THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. The very moment the boss and Haines found them selves clear, down they both dropped, clean gone. The boss fainted, and so would old Haines have done, but he couldn't; and besides, he was so busily engaged in cursing Bullet, and calling for a drink of something, he hadn't time. We had a bad time bringing the boss to, and he appeared a good deal flighty when we got him so as he could walk home. As for Haines, he swore he'd set two niggers to rubbing him down with ile, the very minute he got hum, or else he'd be as stiff as a spavined horse next day. When we arrived in town we all went to the Major's, but we couldn't keep the boss long, for he took on dreadfully. Some said he was crazy, some said he was wild drunk, the Major said that he thought perhaps the fright had slightly turned his brain ; whereupon old Haines, who was getting near about considerably tight, said as how that couldn't be, because the boss had stood the wear, tear, and racket, when the fellow came on from York to dun the boss for a bill of paper as he owed to one in that city, and said he, " if he could stand such a cursing as that was, burn my skin if all the bears this side of the York line, and west of the Rocky moun tains, would be able to shake one single nerve in his whole body!" However, be the cause what it may, the boss is clean gone, stark mad, and the schoolmaster has had to take his place. Some one of the boys, that night, after hearing Haines tell the story over about a dozen times, and seeing he was pretty drunk, went straight down to the Methodist THE GREAT KALAMAZOO HUNT. 53 meeting-house and told the minister, who was holding forth that night, that the old fellow had sent him to re quest " the prayers of the church for his safe delivery," and that as soon as he got rested, he himself would come down and jine in worship, besides giving in his testimony. The minister couldn't believe it at first, but when Jim declared it was truth, sure, he got right up and told the congregation. So they sets to work praying for the recovered sheep, regenerated sinner, and reco vered outcast from the fold of chosen lambs, together with many other beautiful names as they give Haines , while Jim went back to the Major's, and finding the lamb, jist right, ups and tells him as how he had just passed by the meeting-house, and heard minister Da- menhall say to the folks that he didn't believe one word of the story that 'twas an invention of Satan's put into Haines' mouth to deceive those who were on the road to ruin through the effects of liquor ; and that the quan tity that Haines had induced the boss to drink was the sole cause of his craziness. As soon as ever Haines heard this, he got straight up as he could, buttoned up his coat, and went right down to the meeting-house ; but what followed haint got any thing to do with the late Hunt at Kalamazoo. THAT BIG DOG EIGHT AT MYERS'S. A STORY OF MISSISSIPPI BY A MISSISSIPPIAN. The writer of the following story is one of the most entertaining com panions we ever met. Like the elder Placide, or Gabriel Ravel, he has the keenest perception of the ludicrous imaginable ; in him this is combined with an inexhaustible flow of spirits, and a rare fund of wit and humour peculiarly calculated to " set the table in a roar." For several years he has been a most acceptable correspondent of the New York " Spirit of the Times," and while his stories have " ranged from amazin to onkimmon," there is not an indifferent one among them all. His extraordinary merit as a story-teller is only equalled by his modesty ; " not for the world" would he permit us to name him. We are free to say, however, that he is a country gen tleman of Mississippi, " of about our size," and that he resides on a river-plantation nearly equi-distant from the regions of " the cotton trade and sugar line." " WELL, them was great times, and men lived about here, them days, too ! not sayin' they're all dead, but the settlements is got too thick for 'em to splurge, an' they are old beside, they're watin' for thar boys to do somethin' when they gits men ! I tell you what, if they lived till kingdom come they wouldn't be men. I'd like to see one single one of 'em that ever rid his horse up two pair of stairs, jumpt him thru " " Stop, stop, Uncle Johnny ! Do tell us about that big dog fight at Myers's." 54 THAT BIG DOG FIGHT AT MYERSES. 55 " Ha, ha, boy ! You thar ? Had your bitters yet ? Well, well we'll take 'em together ; licker is better now than it used to was ; but people don't drink so much, and that's strange ! ain't it ? Well, I was talkin' to these men about old Greensville, and about them same men, for they was all at that same dog fite Fe- atte, the Devil ! never be a patchin' to what old Greens ville was about the times 'Old CoV was sheriff! I'll just bet all the licker I ever expect to drink, that thar ain't no second story in Featte that's got hoss tracks on the floor and up agin' the ceil " " I must stop you again, Uncle Johnny ; Fayette is yet in its youth, and promises " " Youth, H 1 ! yes, like the youth of some of my old friends' sons upwards of thirty, an' they're expectin' to make men out'n 'em yet ! I tell you what, young men in my time'd just get in a spree, sorter open thar shirt collars, and shuck tharselves with a growl, and come out reddy-made men ; and most on 'em has staid reddy for fifty-one year ! I ain't failed now, yet, and " " Uncle Johnny, for God's sake stick to the dog story : we'll hear all this after " " Ah, you boy, you never will let me tell a story my way, but here goes: Let me see yes, yes. Well, it was a grate dog in Greensville, anyhow Charly Cox had run old Saltrum agin' a hoss from the Red-licks, and beat him shameful Run rite plum up the street in Greensville so as evry body mite see. Well, a power of licker was wasted nily evry house in town rid thru women and children skeared out, and evry drink we took was a ginral invite, and about night thar was one 40 56 THAT BIG DOG FIGHT ginral in town Ginral Intoxication. Well, 'bout sun down the old Ginral God bless him ! called up his troops ; some of the same ones who was at Orleans ; let's see thar was the high sheriff, Dick, Bat, Jim, old Iron Tooth, an ' " " Iron Tooth !" who'se he ?" suggested I. " Why, he's the man what fit the dog ! Ain't you never seen a man here in Featte, when he gits high up, just pulls out his knife, and goes to chawin' it as if he'd made a bet he could bite it in two ?" " Yes, yes, go on." " Well, the Ginral made 'em all mount, formed line, and rid rite into the grocery formed line agin, had a big stir-up drink handed to 'em all, and when the Ginral raised his hat and said ' the Hero of Orleans,' the yell that went up, put a bead on that man's licker that staid uily a month, I hearn. We come a rarin' out'n the grocery charged up and down two or three times, cleared the streets of all weak things, then started out home, all in a brest j evry one of us had a Polk stalk " " Hel-lo ! Polk stalks that early ?" "Well, well, Hickry sticks same thing out of town we went, chargin' evry thing we see fences, cat tle, ox-teams ; and at last we got to old Myers's, farly squeelin' to rar over somethin' ! Old Myers's dog was awful bad the worst in anybody's nolledge why, peo ple sent fifty miles to git pups from him ! Well, he come a chargin', too, and met us at the gate, lookin' like a young hyena. Iron Tooth just turned himself round to us, and says he, ' Men, I'll take this fite off'n And thar stood the dog with the awfullest countenance you ever seen a dog ware.' Page 57. AT MYERS'S. 57 your hands ;' so down he got, ondressed to his shirt, stock, and boots got down on his all-fours in the road, walkin' backards and forards, pitchin' up the dust and bellerin' like a bull ! When the dog see him at that sort of work, he did sorter stop barkin', but soon as he see our animal strut up to the gate and begin to smell, then, like another dog, he got fairly crazy to git thru at him ; rarin', cavortin', and tarin 1 off pickets ! Our ani mal was a takin' all this quite easy smellin' thru at him, whinin' me-you, me-you, me-you struttin' backards and forards, histin' up one leg agin the gate Well, after a while the dog begin to git sorter tired, and then our ani mal begin to git mad ! snap for snap he gin the dog, and the spit and slobber flew, and soon the dog was worse than he had been. Thar we was settin' on our hoses, rollin' with laughin' and licker, and thought the thing was rich, as it was ; but just then, our animal riz on his hinders, onlatched the gate, and the dog lunged for him. Ain't you never noticed when one dog bounces at ano ther, he sorter whirls round sideways, to keep him from hittin' him a fair lick? Well, jist so our animal: he whirled round sideways to let the dog have a glancin' lick, and true to the caracter, he was goin' to allow the dog a dog's chance, and he stuck to his all-fours. The dog didn't make but one lunge, and he stopt as still as the picter of the wolf in the spellin' book for you see our animal was right starn end facin' him, his shirt smartly up over his back, and standin' mity high up on his hind legs at that ! We all raised the old Indian yell for you never did see sich a site, and thar stood the dog with the awfullest countenance you ever seen a dog 68 THAT BIG DOG FIGHT ware ! Our man, sorter thinkin' he'd bluffed the dog, now give two or three short goat-pitches backards at him! Ha! ha! ha!" " What did he do ? What did he do ?" " Do ? why run ! wouldn't a d d hyena run ! The dog had a big block and chain to him, and soon our animal was arter him, givin' some of the awfullest leaps and yelps 'twarnt but a little squar picket yard round the house, and the dog couldn't git out, so round and round he went at last, turnin' a corner the chain rapt round a stump, and thar the dog was fast, and he had tofite! But he did give powerful licks to get loose! When he see his inemy right on him agin, and when Iron Tooth seen the dog was fast, round and round he'd strut ; and sich struttin ! Ain't you never seen one of these big, long-legged, short-tailed baboons struttin' round on the top of the lion's cage ? Well, so he'd go sorter smellin' at the dog (and his tongue hanging out right smart, for he was tired,) me-you ! me-you ! Snap ! snap ! the dog would go, and he begin to show fite d d plain agin, for our varmint was a facin' him, and he seen "'twas a man arter all ! But our animal knovv'd how to come the giraffe over him so round he turns and gives him the starn view agin ! That farly broke the dog's hart, and he jist rared back a pullin' and got loose ! One or two goat-pitches backards and the dog was flat on his back, playin' his fore-paws mity fast, and perhaps some of the awfullest barks you ever hearn a dog gin ! Old Iron Tooth he seen he had the dog at about the rite pint, and he give one mortal lunge back ards, and he lit with both hands on the dog's throat, AT MYERS'S. 61 turned quick as lightnin', div down his head, and fast ened his teeth on the dog's ears ! Sieh a shakin' and hovvlin' ! The dog was too skeared to fite, and our animal had it all his own way. We hollered to ' give him some in the short ribs,' but he only held on and growled at us, playin' the dog clean out, I tell you. Well, thar they was, rollin' and tumblin' in the dirt first one on top, and then tother our animal holdin' on like pitch to a waggin wheel, the dog never thinkin' 'bout fitein' once, but makin' rale onest licks to git loose. At last our varmint's hold broke the dog riz made one tiger lunge the chain snapt he tucked hi* tail, and and but you all know what skeared dogs will do ! " Nobody ain't never got no pups from Myers since the blood run rite out !" HOW SIMON SUGGS "RAISED JACK." A. GEORGIA STORY BY AN ALABAMIAN. L is a great pity that gentlemen of such sterling intellectual ability as the writer of the subjoined sketch, should hide their light under a bushel. We merely know of him that he is a young lawyer of re pute, Johnson J. Hooper by name, and editor, en amateur, of " The East Alabamian,' 1 published at La Fayette, in that state. His well written editorial articles are mainly confined to political themes, and it is only at rare intervals that he indulges his readers with sketches like the one annexed thrown off, probably, at a heat. What a " choice spirit" he would be in that circle of "jolly good fellows" whose contributions to the "Spirit of the Times" have rendered that journal far more famous for original wit and humour, than its being the " Chronicle of the Sporting World." Hooper has recently commenced in " The East Alabamian" a series of sketches, detailing the history, adventures, and operations of one Simon Suggs, late Captain of the Tallapoosa Volunteers, whom he introduces with an exordium as ornate, graphic, and fanciful, as Mr. Wirt's on the occasion of the trial of Aaron Burr. We propose here for like many other entertaining things the Captain's history is yet unwritten to give the reader an account only of those exploits of his at the early age of seventeen (when his ingenuity and shrewdness began first to attract attention.) which subsequently acquired for him the epithet of "Shifty," his whole ethical system happening to lie snugly in his favourite aphorism that " it is good to be a SHIFTY man in a new country." The following characteristic anecdote is given as one of the earliest specimens of the Captain's 'cuteness, and will serve to illustrate the precocious development of his peculiar talent. UNTIL Simon entered his seventeenth year, he lived with his father, an old ' hard-shell' Baptist preacher j 62 HOW SIMON SUGGS "RAISED JACK." 63 who, though very pious and remarkably austere, was very avaricious. The old man reared his boys or endeavoured to do so according to the strictest requi sition of the moral law. But he lived, at the time to which we refer, in Middle Georgia, which was then newly settled ; and Simon, whose wits from the time lie was a " shirt-tail boy," were always too sharp for his father's, contrived to contract all the coarse vices incident to such a region. He stole his mother's roost ers to fight them at Bob Smith's grocery, and his father's plough-horses to enter them in "quarter" matches at the same place. He pitched dollars with Bob Smith himself, and could " beat him into doll rags" whenever it came to a measurement. To crown his accomplishment, Simon was tip-top at the game of " old sledge," which was the fashionable game of that era ; and was early initiated in the mystery of " stocking the papers." The vicious habits of Simon were, of course, a sore trouble to his father, Elder Jedediah. He reasoned, he counselled, he remonstrated, he lash ed but Simon was an incorrigible, irreclaimable devil. One day the simple-minded old man came rather unexpectedly to the field where he had left Simon and Ben, and a negro boy named Bill, at work. Ben was still following his plough, but Simon and Bill were in a fence-corner very earnestly engaged at " seven up." Of course the game was instantly suspended, as soon as they spied the old man sixty or seventy yards off, striding towards them. It was evidently a " gone case" with Simon and Bill ; but our hero determined to make the best of it. 64 HOW SIMON SUGGS Putting the cards into one pocket, he coolly picked up the small coins which constituted the stake, and fobhed them in the other, remarking, " Well, Bill, this game's blocked ; we'd as well quit." " But, massa Simon," remarked the boy, " half dat money's mine. An't you gwine to lemme hab 'em?" " Oh never mind the money, Bill ; the old man's going to take the bark off of both of us and besides, with the hand I helt when we quit, I should 'a beat you and won it all any way." " Well, but, massa Simon, we nebber finish de game, and de rule" " Go to an orful h 1 with your rule," said the im patient Simon "don't you see daddy's right down upon us, with an armful of hickories ? I tell you I hilt nothin' but trumps, and could 'a beat the horns off of a billy-goat. Don't that satisfy you? Somehow or nother you'r d d hard to please !" About this time a thought struck Simon, and in a low tone for by this time the Reverend Jedediah was close at hand he con tinued, " but may be daddy don't know, right down sure, what we've been doin'. Let's try him with a lie twon't hurt no way let's tell him we've been playin' mumble- Peg-" Bill was perforce compelled to submit to this in equitable adjustment of his claim of a share of the stakes ; and of course agreed to the game of mumble- peg. All this was settled and a peg driven in the ground, slyly and hurriedly between Simon's legs as ne sat on the ground, just as the old man reached the spot. He carried under his left arm several neatly- " RAISED JACK." 65 trimmed sprouts of formidable length, while in his left hand he held one which he was intently engaged in divesting of its superfluous twigs. " Soho ! youngsters ! you in the fence-corner, and the crop in the grass ! what saith the Scriptur', Simon? ' Go to the ant, thou sluggard,' and so forth and so on. What in the round creation of the yearth have you and that nigger been a-doin' ?" Bill shook with fear, but Simon was cool as a cucum ber, and answered his father to the effect that they had been wasting a little time in a game of mumble-peg. " Mumble-peg ! mumble-peg !" repeated old Mr. Suggs, " what's that ?" Simon explained the process of rooting for the peg ; how the operator got upon his knees, keeping his arms stiff by his side, leaned forward and extracted the peg with his teeth. " So you git upon your knees, do you, to pull up that nasty little stick ! you'd better git upon 'em to ask mercy for your sinful souls, and for a dyin' world. But lei's see one o' you git the peg up now." The first impulse of our hero was to volunteer to gratify the curiosity of his worthy sire, but a glance at the old man's countenance changed his " notion," and he remarked that " Bill was a long ways the best hand." Bill, who did not deem Simon's modesty an omen fa vourable to himself, was inclined to reciprocate com pliments with his young master ; but a gesture of im patience from the old man set him instantly upon his knees ; and, bending forward, he essayed to lay hold with his teeth, of the peg, which Simon, just at that 66 HOW SIM ON SUGGS moment, very wickedly pushed half an inch further down. Just as the breeches and hide of the boy were stretched to the uttermost, old Mr. Suggs brought down his longest hickory, with both hands, upon the precise spot where the tension was greatest. With a loud yell, Bill plunged forward, upsetting Simon, and rolled in the grass, rubbing the castigated part with fearful energy. Simon, though overthrown, was unhurt ; and he was mentally complimenting himself upon the sagacity which had prevented his illustrating the game of mum ble-peg, for the paternal amusement, when his attention was arrested by that worthy person's stooping to pick up something what is it ? a card upon which Simon had been sitting, and which, therefore, had not gone with the rest of the pack into his pocket. The simple Mr. Suggs had only a vague idea of the pasteboard abomination called cards ; and though he decidedly in clined to the opinion that this was one, he was by no means certain of the fact. Had Simon known this, he would certainly have escaped ; but he did not. His father, assuming the look of extreme sapiency which is always worn by the interrogator who does not desire 01 expect to increase his knowledge by his questions, asked, " What's this, Simon ?" " The Jack a-dimunts," promptly responded Simon, who gave up all as lost after this faux pas. "What was it doin' down thar, Simon, my sonny?" continued Mr. Suggs, in an ironically affectionate tone* of voice. " I had it under my leg thar, to make it on Bill, the first time it come trumps," was the ready reply. 1 So you git upon your knees, do you, to pull up that nasty little stick ; you'd better git upon 'em to ask mercy for your sinful souls, and for a dyin' world." Page 65. "RAISED JACK." 69 "What's trumps?" asked Mr. Suggs, with a view of arriving at the import of the word. " Nothin' a'nt trumps now," said Simon, who misap prehended his father's meaning " but clubs was, when you come along and busted up the game." A part of this answer was Greek to the Reverend Mr. Suggs, but a portion of it was full of meaning. They had, then, most unquestionably been " throwing" cards, the scoundrels ! the " oudacious" little hellions ! " To the ' Mulberry,' with both on ye ! in a hurry," said the old man, sternly. But the lads were not dis posed to be in a " hurry," for " the Mulberry" was the scene of all formal punishment administered during work hours in the field. Simon followed his father, however ; but made, as he went along, all manner of " faces" at the old man's back ; gesticulated as if he were going to strike him between the shoulders with his fists ; and kicking at him so as almost to touch his coat tail with his shoe. In this style they walked on to the mulberry tree, in whose shade Simon's brother Ben was resting. It must not be supposed that, during the walk to the place of punishment, Simon's mind was either inactive, or engaged in suggesting the grimaces and contortions wherewith he was pantomimically expressing his irre verent sentiments towards his father. Far from it. The movements of his limbs and features were the mere workings of habit the self-grinding of the cor poreal machine for which his reasoning half was only remotely responsible. For while Simon's person was thus, on its own account, " making game" of old Jede- 50 HOW SIMON SUGGS diah, his wits, in view of the anticipated flogging, were dashing, springing, bounding, darting about, in hot chase of some expedient suitable to the necessities of the case much after the manner in which puss, wbei* ' Betty, armed with the broom, and hotly seeking ven geance for the pantry robbed or room defiled, has closed upon her the garret doors and windows, attempts all sorts of impossible exits, comes down at last in the corner, with panting side and glaring eye, exhausted and defenceless. Our unfortunate hero could devise nothing by which he could reasonably expect to escape the heavy blows of his father. Having arrived at this conclusion and the " Mulberry" about the same time, he stood with a dogged look, awaiting the issue. The old man Suggs made no remark to any one while he was seizing up Bill a process which, though by no means novel to Simon, seemed to excite in him a sort of painful interest. He watched it closely, as if to learn the precise fashion of his father's knot ; and when at last Bill was strung up a-tiptoe to a limb, and the whipping commenced, Simon's eye followed every movement of his father's arm ; and as each blow de scended upon the bare shoulders of his sable friend, his own body writhed and " wriggled" in involuntary sym pathy. " It's the devil ! it's hell," said Simon to himself, " to take such a wallopin' as that. Why the old man looks like he wants to git to the holler, if he could rot his picter ! It's wuth, at the least, fifty cents je-e- miny, how that hurt ! yes, it's wuth three-quarters of a dollar, to take that 'ere lickin' ! Wonder if I'm "RAISED JACK." 71 ' predestinated,' as old Jed'diah says, to get the fellei to it ? Lord, how daddy blows ! I do wish to God he'd bust right open, the darn'd old deer-face ! If 'twa'n't for Ben helpin' him, I b'lieve I'd give the old dog a tussel when it comes for my turn. It couldn't make the thing no wuss, if it didn't make it no better. 'Drot it ! what do boys have daddies for, any how ? 'Taint for nuthin' but jist to beat 'em and work 'em. There's some use in mammies I kin poke my finger right in the old 'oman's eye, and keep it thar, and if I say it aint thar, she'll say 'taint thar, too. I wish she was here to hold daddy off. If 'twa'n't so fur, I'd holler for her, any how. How she would cling to the old fel ler's coat tail!" Mr. Jedediah Suggs let down Bill, and untied him. Approaching Simon, whose coat was off, "Come, Si mon, son," said he, " cross them hands, I'm gwine to correct you." " It aint no use, daddy," said Simon. " Why so, Simon ?" "Just bekase it aint. I'm gwine to play cards as long as I live. When I go off to myself, I'm gwine to make my livin' by it. So what's the use of beatin' me about it ?" Old Mr. Suggs groaned, as he was wont to do in the pulpit, at this display of Simon's viciousness. " Simon," said he, " you're a poor ignunt creetur. You don't know nothin' and you've never been no whars If I was to turn you off, you'd starve in a week" "I wish you'd try me," said Simon, "and jist see I'd win more money in a week than you can make in 7Z HOW SIMON SUGGS a year. There aint nobody round here kin make seed corn off o' me at cards. I'm rale smart," he added, with great emphasis. " Simon ! Simon ! you poor unletered fool. Don't you know that all card-players and chicken-fighters, and horse-racers, go to hell ? You crack-brained crea tur' you. And don't you know that them that play cards always lose their money, and" " Who wins it all then, daddy ?" asked Simon. " Shet your mouth, you imperdent, slack-jaw'd dog. Your daddy's a-tryin' to give you some good advice, and you a-pickin' up his words that way. I know'd a young man once, when I lived in Ogletharp, as went down to Augusty and sold a hundred dollars' worth of cotton for his daddy, and some o' them gambollers got him to drinkin', and the very first night he was with 'em they got every cent of his money." " They couldn't git my money in a week" said Si mon. " Any body can git these here green fellows' money ; them's the sort I'm a-gwine to watch for, my self. Here's what kin fix the papers jist about as nice as any body." " Well, it's no use to argify about the matter," said old Jedediah ; " What saith the scriptur' ? ' He that be- getteth a fool, doeth it to his sorrow.' Hence, Simon, you're a poor, miserable fool ! so, cross your hands!" " You'd jist as well not, daddy. I tell you I'm gwine to follow playin' cards for a livin', and what's the use o' bangin' a feller about it ? I'm as smart as any of 'em, and Bob Smith says them Augusty fellers can't make rent off* o' me." "RAISED JACK." 73 The Reverend Mr. Suggs had, once in his life, gone to Augusta ; an extent of travel which in those days was a little unusual. His consideration among his neigh bours was considerably increased by the circumstance, as he had all the benefit of the popular inference, that no man could visit the city of Augusta without acquir ing a vast superiority over all his untravelled neigh bours, in every department of human knowledge. Mr. Suggs, then, very naturally felt ineffably indignant that an individual who had never seen a collection of human habitations larger than a log-house village an indivi dual, in short, no other or better than Bob Smith should venture to express an opinion concerning the manners, customs, or any thing else appertaining to, or in any wise connected with, the ultima thvle of back-woods Georgians. There were two propositions which witnessed their own truth to the mind of Mr. Suggs the one was, that a man who had never been at Augusta, could not know any thing about that city, or any place or thing else ; the other, that one who had been there must, of necessity, be not only well inform ed as to all things connected with the city itself, but perfectly au fait upon all subjects whatsoever. It was therefore in a tone of mingled indignation and con tempt that he replied to the last remark of Simon. " Bob Smith says does he ? And who's Bob Smith'? Much does Bob Smith know about Augusty ! he's been thar, I reckon ! Slipped off yarly some mornin' when nobody warn't noticin', and got back afore night . It's only a hundred and fifty mile. Oh yes, Bob Smith knows all about it ! / don't know nothin' about U ! J E 74 HOW SIMON SUGGS a'n't never been to Augusty / couldn't find the road thar, I reckon, ha ! ha ! Bob Smi ih ! The eternal stink ! if he was only to see one o' them fine gentle men in Augusty, with his fine broad-cloth and bell- crown hat, and shoe-boots a-shinin' like silver, he'd take to the woods and kill himself a-runnin'. Bob Smith ! that's whar all your devilment comes from, Simon." " Bob Smith's as good as any body else, I judge ; and a heap smarter than some. He showed me how to cut Jack," continued Simon, " and that's more than some people can do if they have been to Augusty." " If Bob Smith kin do it," said the old man, " I kin too. I don't know it by that name ; but if it's book knowledge or plain sense, and Bob kin do it, it's rea sonable to s'pose that old Jed'diah Suggs won't be bothered bad. Is it any ways similyar to the rule of three, Simon?" " Pretty much, daddy, but not adzactly," said Si mon, drawing a pack from his pocket to explain. " Now daddy," he proceeded, " you see these here four cards is what we call the Jacks. Well, now, the idee is, if you'll take the pack and mix 'em all up together, I'll take off a passel from top, and the bottom one of them I take off will be one of the Jacks." " Me to mix em fust ?" said Jedediah. " Yes." " And you not to see but the back of the top one, when you go to ' cut,' as you call it ?" " Jist so, daddy." " And the backs all jist as like as kin be ?" said the senior Suggs, examining the cards "RAISED JACK." 75 " More like nor cow-peas," said Simon. " It can't be done, Simon," observed the old man, with great solemnity. " Bob Smith kin do it, and so kin I." " It's agin nater, Simon ; thar a'n't a man in Au- gusty, nor on the top of the yearth, that kin do it !" "Daddy," said our hero, "ef you'll bet me" "What!" thundered old Mr. Suggs, "bet, did you say?" and he came down with a scorer across Simon's shoulders "me, Jed'diah Suggs, that's been in the Lord's sarvice these twenty years me bet, you nasty, sassy, triflin', ugly" " I didn't go to say that, daddy ; that warn't what I ment, adzactly. I ment to say that ef you'd let me off from this here maulin' you owe me, and give me ' Bunch' ef I cut Jack, I'd give you all this here silver, ef I did'nt that's all. To be sure, I allers knowd you wouldn't bet." Old Mr. Suggs ascertained the exact amount of the silver which his son handed him, in an old leathern pouch, for inspection. He also, mentally, compared that sum with an imaginary one, the supposed value of a certain Indian pony, called " Bunch," which he had bought for his "old woman's" Sunday riding, and which had sent the old lady into a fence-corner, the first and only time she had ever mounted him. As he weighed the pouch of silver in his hand, Mr. Suggs also endeavoured to analyze the character of the trans action proposed by Simon. " It sartinly can't be nothin' but giviri 1 , no way it kin be twisted," he murmured to himself. " I know he can't do it, so there's no resk. 41 76 HOW SIMON SUGGS What makes bettin'? The resk. It's a one-sided business, and I'll jist let him give me all his money, and that'll put all his wild sportin' notions out of his head." " Will you stand it, daddy ?" asked Simon, by way of waking the old man up. " You mought as well, for the whippin' won't do you no good ; and as for Bunch, nobody about the plantation won't ride him, but me." " Simon," replied the old man, " I agree to it. Your old daddy is in a close place about payin' for his land ; and this here money it's jist eleven dollars, lacking of twenty-five cents will help out mightily. But mind, Simon, ef any thing's said about this, hereafter, re member, you give me the money." " Very well, daddy, and ef the thing works up instid o' down, I 'spose we'll say you give me Bunch eh ?" " You won't never be troubled to tell how you come by Bunch ; the thing's agin natur, and can't be done. What old Jed'diah Suggs knows, he knows as good as anybody. Give me them fixaments, Simon." Our hero handed the cards to his father, who, drop ping the plough-line with which he had intended to tie Simon's hands, turned his back to that individual, in order to prevent his witnessing the operation of mixing. He then sat down, and very leisurely commenced shuf fling the cards, making, however, an exceedingly awk ward job of it. Restive kings and queens jumped from his hands, or obstinately refused to slide into the com pany of the rest of the pack. Occasionally, a sprightly knave would insist on facing his neighbour ; or, press ing his edge against another's, half double himself up, "RAISED JACK." 77 and then skip away. But Elder Jedediah perseveringly continued his attempts to subdue the refractory, while heavy drops burst from his forehead, and ran down his cheeks. All of a sudden, an idea, quick and penetrat ing as a rifle-ball, seemed to have entered the cranium of the old man. He chuckled audibly. The devil had suggested to Mr. Suggs an impromptu " stock," which would place the chances of Simon already sufficiently slim in the old man's opinion without the range of possibility. Mr. Suggs forthwith proceeded to cull out all the picter cards so as to be certain to include the jacks and place them at the bottom ; with the evident intention of keeping Simon's fingers above these when he should cut. Our hero, who was quietly looking over his father's shoulders all the time, did not seem alarmed by this disposition of the cards ; on the contrary, he smiled as if he felt perfectly confident of success, in spite of it. " Now, daddy," said Simon, when his father had announced himself ready, " narry one of us aint got to look at the cards, while I'm a cuttin' ; if we do, it'll spile the conjuration." " Very well." " And another thing you've got to look me right dead in the eye, daddy will you ?" " To be sure to be sure," said Mr. Suggs ; " fire away." Simon walked up close to his father, and placed his hand on the pack. Old Mr. Suggs looked in Simon's eye, and Simon returned the look for about three seconds, during which a close observer might have 78 HOW SIMON SUGGS detected a suspicious working of the wrist of the hand on the cards, but the elder Suggs did not remark it. " Wake snakes ! day's a breakin' ! Rise Jack !" said Simon, cutting half a dozen cards from the top of the pack, and presenting the face of the bottom one for the inspection of his father. It was the Jack of Hearts ! Old Mr. Suggs staggered back several steps, with uplifted eyes and hands ! " Marciful master !" he exclaimed, " ef the boy haint ! well, how in the round creation of the ! Ben did you ever ! to be sure and sartin, Satan has power on this yearth!" and Mr. Suggs groaned in heavy bitter ness. " You never seed nothin' like that in Augusty, did ye, daddy ?" asked Simon, with a malicious wink at Ben. " Simon, how did you do it ?" queried the old man, without noticing his son's question. "Do it, daddy? Do it? 'Taint nothin'. I done it jest as easy as shootin'." Whether this explanation was entirely, or in any degree, satisfactory to the perplexed mind of the elder Jedediah Suggs, cannot, after the lapse of time which has intervened, be sufficiently ascertained. It is cer tain, however, that he pressed the investigation no far ther, but merely requested his son Benjamin to witness the fact that, in consideration of his love and affection for his son Simon, and in order to furnish the donee with the means of leaving that portion of the state of Georgia, ne bestowed upon him the impracticable poney, " Bunch.' "RAISED JACK." 79 "Jist so, daddy; jist so; I'll witness that. But it 'minds me mightily of the way mammy give old Trailler the side of bacon, last week. She was a-sweepin' up the hath the meat on the table ; old Trailler jumps up, gathers the bacon and darts ; mammy arter him with the broomstick as fur as the door, but seein' the dog has got the start, she shakes the stick at him, and hollers, ' You sassy aig-sukkin', roguish, gnatty, flop-eared var mint, take it along, take it along ! I only wish 'twas full of a'snic and ox vomit and blue vitrul, so as t'would cut your intrils into chitlins !' That's about the way you give Bunch to Simon." It was evident to our hero that his father intended he should remain but one more night beneath the pa ternal roof. What mattered it to Simon? He went home at night, curried and fed Bunch; whispered confidentially in his ear, that he was the "fastest piece of hoss-flesh, accordin' to size, that ever shaded the y earth ;" and then busied himself in prepar ing for an early start on the morrow. SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE, A STORY OF ILLINOIS BY A MISSOURIAN. We should hate to bet " Straws" that J. M. Field, the principal editor of the St. Louis " Reville," was not the writer of the following story. Unlike his late brother " Poor Mat" better known as " Phazma" who recently died at sea, our friend " Joe" is full of fun and frolic, and ready to " go at any thing in the ring from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter !" When he became an editor by profession, the stage sustained a material loss. He was indeed one of " the best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral- comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-his torical-pastoral, scene undividable, or poem unlimited." For several years he has been a contributor to the periodical press ; but quite re cently he has embarked in the enterprise of a new daily journal at St. Louis, which appears to have succeeded almost beyond his hopes. The annexed sketch is " a taste of the quality" of the " Revill6" and himself. AT a late hour, the other night, the door of an oyster house in our city was thrust open, and in stalked a hero from the Sucker state. He was quite six feet high, spare, somewhat stooped, with a hungry, anxious coun tenance, and his hands pushed clear down to the bot tom of his breeches pockets. His outer covering was hard to define, but after surveying it minutely, we came to the conclusion that his suit had been made in his boyhood, of a dingy yellow linsey-wolsey, and that, having sprouted up with astonishing rapidity, he had 80 SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. 81 been forced to piece it out with all colours, in order to keep pace with his body. In spite of his exertions, however, he had fallen in arrears about a foot of the necessary length, and, consequently, stuck that far through his inexpressibles. His crop of hair was sur mounted by the funniest little seal-skin cap imaginable. After taking a position, he indulged in a long stare at the man opening the bivalves, and slowly ejaculated " isters ?" " Yes, sir," responded the attentive operator, " and fine ones they are, too." " Well, I've heard of isters afore," says he, " but this is the fust time I've seed 'm, and pre-haps I'll know what thar made of afore I git out of town. Having expressed this desperate intention, he cau tiously approached the plate and scrutinized the un cased shell-fish with a gravity and interest which would have done honour to the most illustrious searcher into the hidden mysteries of nature. At length he began to soliloquize on the difficulty of getting them out, and how queer they looked when out. "I never seed any thin' hold on so takes an amazin' site of screwin, hoss, to get 'em out, and aint they slick and slip'ry when they does come ? Smooth as an eel ! I've a good mind to "give that feller lodgin', jist to realize the effects, as uncle Jess used to say about speckalation." " Well, sir," was the reply, " down with two bits, and you can have a dozen." "Two bits!" exclaimed the Sucker, "now come that's stickin' it on rite strong, hoss, for isters. A dozen 82 SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. on 'em aint nothin' to a chicken, and there's no gettin' more'n a picayune a piece for them. I've only realized forty-five picayunes on my first ventur' to St. Louis. I'll tell you what, I'll gin you two chickens for a dozen, if you'll conclude to deal." A wag, who was standing by indulging in a dozen, winked to the attendant to shell out, and the offer was accepted. " Now mind," repeated the Sucker, " all fair two chickens for a dozen you're a witness, mister," turn ing at the same time to the wag ; " none of your tricks, for I've heard that your city fellers are mity slip'ry coons." The bargain being fairly understood, our Sucker squared himself for the onset ; deliberately put off his seal-skin, tucked up his sleeves, and, fork in hand, awaited the appearance of No. 1. It came he saw and quickly it was bolted ! A moment's dreadful pause ensued. The wag dropped his knife and fork with a look of mingled amazement and horror something akin to Shakspeare's Hamlet on seeing his daddy's ghost while he burst into the exclamation " Swallowed alive, as I'm a Christian!" Our Sucker hero had opened his mouth with pleasure a moment before, but now it stood open. Fear a horrid dread of he didn't know what a consciousness that all was'nt right, and ignorant of the extent of the wrong the uncertainty of the moment was terrible. Urged to desperation, he faultered out " What on earth's the row?" " Did you swallow it alive ?" inquired the wag. "0 gracious! what'll I do! it's got hold of my innards already, and I'm dead M a chicken ! do somethin' for me, do don't let the internal sea-toad eat me afore your eyes." Page 85. SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. 85 "I swallowed it jest as he gin it to me !" shouted the Sucker. " You're a dead man !" exclaimed his anxious friend, " the creature is alive, and will eat right through you," added he, in a most hopeless tone. "Get a pizen pump and pump it out!" screamed the Sucker, in a frenzy, his eyes fairly starting from their sockets. " O gracious ! what'ill I do ? It's got holds of my innards already, and I'm dead as a chick en ! do somethin' for me, do don't let the infernal sea-toad eat me afore your eyes." " Why don't you put some of this on it ?" inquired the wag, pointing to a bottle of strong pepper-sauce. The hint was enough the Sucker, upon the instant, seized the bottle, and desperately wrenching out the cork, swallowed half the contents at a draught. He fairly squealed from its effects, and gasped and blowed, and pitched, and twisted, as if it were coursing through him with electric effect, while at the same time his eyes ran a stream of tears. At length becoming a lit tle composed, his waggish adviser approached, almost bursting with suppressed laughter, and inquired, " How are you now old fellow did you kill it ?" " Well, I did, hoss' ugh, ugh o-o-o my inards. If that ister critter's dyin' agonies didn't stir a 'ruption in me equal to a small arthquake, then 'taint no use sayin' it it squirmed like a sarpent, when that killin' stuff touched it; hu' and here with a countenance made up of suppressed agony and present determina tion, he paused to give force to his words, and slowly 86 SWALLOWING AN OYSTER ALIVE. and deliberately remarked, "If you git two chickens from me for that live animal, I'm d d!" and seizing his seal-skin he vanished. The shout of laughter, and the contortions of the company at this finale, would have made a spectator believe that they had all been swallowing oysters alive. A TEXAN JOKER "IN A TIGHT PLACE." Some three or four years since there was a newspaper published in the city of Houston, yclept " The Texas Morning Star." To the best of our knowledge and belief we have neither seen it nor its editor, but we would walk five miles to shake hands with the writer of the following sketch of " Aquatic Scenery." As Kendall, the well known co-editor of the New-Orleans " Picayune" was in Texas at the time, making arrangements for the Santa Fe Expedition, we should be willing to take long odds he could tell us somthing about its authorship. DURING the utmost severity of the late storm we took a lounge down to the steamboat landing. While standing on the brink of a deep gully that emptied its torrent of water into the bayou, our attention was at tracted to the bottom of the gully, where a drunken loafer was stemming the torrent, holding on to a root fast anchored in the bank. The poor fellow, not know ing any on'e was near him, was combating his fate manfully, and in calculating his chance of escape, gave utterance to the following : " Haynt this a orful sitivation to be placed in, nohow? If I wos a steamboat, a rail, or a woodpile, I'd be better worth fifty cents on the dollar than I'll ever be agin. Unless I'm a gone case now, there haynt no 87 88 A fcEXAN JOKER truth in frenology. I've weighed all the chances now like a gineral, and find only two that bears in my fa vour ; the first is a skunk-hole to crawl into, and the second a special interpersition of Providence ; and the best chance of the two is so slim, if I only had the change, I'd give a premium for the skunk-hole them's my sentiments. If I could be a mink, a muskrat, or a water snake for about two months, prehaps I wouldn't mount the first stump t'other side of the Bio, and flap my wings, and crow over everlastin' life, scientifically preservated. But what's the use holdin' on this root ? there haynt no skunk hole in these 'ere diggins; the water is gitting taller about a feet, and if my nose was as long as kingdom come, it wouldn't stick out much longer. Oh, Jerry ! Jerry ! you're a gone sucker, and I guess your marm don't know you're out ; poor wo man ! won't she cry the glasses out of her spectacles when she hears her darlin' Jerry has got the whole of Bufferlo Bio for his coffin ? What a pity 'tis some philanthropis, or member of the humane society, never had foresight enough to build a house over this gutter, with a steam engine to keep out the water ! If they'd done it in time, they might have had the honour and gratification of saving the life of a feller being ; but it's all day with you, Jerry, and a big harbour to cast an chor in. It's too bad to go off in this orful manner, when they knows I oilers hated water ever since I was big enough to know 'twant whiskey. I feel the root givin' way, and since I don't know a prayer, here's a bit of Watts' Doxologer, to prove I died a Christian: "IN A TIGHT PLACE." 89 " ' On the bank where droop'd the wilier, Long time ago/ " Before Jerry got to the conclusion, he was washed into the bayou, within a few feet of a large flat that had iust started for the steamboat ; his eye caught the prospect of deliverance, and he changed the burden of his dirge into a thrilling cry of" Heave to ! passenger overboard and sinkin', with a belt full of specie ! the man what saves me makes his fortin!" Jerry was fished up by a darkey ! and to show his gratitude, in vited Quashey " to go up to the doggery and liquor." BILLY WAHRICK'S COURTSHIP AND WEDDING, A STORY OF "THE OLD NORTH STATE" BY A COUNTY COURT LAWYER. Within a hundred miles of Fayetteville, North Carolina, resides one of the most eminent members of the bar the "Tar River country" boasts of. Further, of his identity, "this deponent saith not." Those who have lingered over " A Trip to County Court, by a North Carolina Lawyer," which has gone the rounds of the press, will be somewhat surprised to learn that the " Spirit of the Times" was indebted to the same pen for that masterly sketch, and the following amusing story. CHAPTER I. CK IN DISTRESS. PINEY BOTTOM, in Old North State, Jinuary this 4, 1844. MR. PORTER SIR : Bein' in grate distrest, I didn't inow what to do, till one of the lawyers councilled me to tell you all about it, and git your apinion. You see I are a bin sparkin' over to one of our nabors a cortin of Miss Barbry Bass, nigh upon these six munse. So t'other nite I puts on my stork that cum up so high that I look'd like our Kurnel paradin of the milertary on Ginral Muster, tryin' to look over old Snap's years he holds sich a high hed when he knows that he's got on his holdsturs and pistuls and his trowsen and sich 90 BILLY WARRICK'S COURTSHIP. 91 like, for he's a mity proud hoss. I had on a linun shurt koller starched stif that cum up monstrus high rite un der my years, so that evry time I turn'd my hed it putty nigh savv'd off my years, and they are so sore that I had to put on sum Gray's intment, which dravv'd so hard, that if I hadn't wash'd it in sopesuds I do bleve it would a draw'd out my branes. I put on my new briches that is new fashon'd and opens down before, and it tuck me nigh on a quarter of a houre to butten em, and they had straps so tite I could hardly bend my kneas I had on my new wastecoat and a dicky bus- sam with ruffles on each side, and my white hat. I had to be perticlar nice in spittin' my terbaccer juce, for my stork were so high I had to jerk back my head like you have seed one of them Snapjack bugs. Con- sidrin' my wiskurs hadn't grow'd out long enuff, as I were conceety to think that I look'd middlin' peart, and my old nigger 'oman Venus said I look'd nice enuff for a Bryde. It tuck one bale of good cotting and six bushils of peese to pay for my close. Dod drot it, it went sorter hard ; but when I tho't how putty she did look last singin' school day, with her eyes as blue as indiger, and her teath white as milk, and sich long curlin' hare hanjrin' clear down to her belt ribbun, and sich butiful O rosy cheaks, and lips as red as a cock Red-burd in snow time, and how she squeased my hand when I gin her a oringe that I gin six cents for I didn't grudge the price. Mr. Porter when I got to old Miss Basses bars, jist after nite, sich streaks and cold fits cum over me 92 BILLY WARRICK'S \vorse than a feller with the Buck agur, the furst time he goes to shute at a dear. My kneas got to trimblin', and I could hardly holler "get out" to Miss Basses son Siah's Dog, old Troup, who didn't know mo in my new geer, and cum out like all creashun a barkin' amazin'. Ses I to myself, ses I, what a fool you is and then I thort what Squire Britt's nigger man Tony, who went to town last week, told me about a taler there, who sed that jist as soon he got thru a makin' a sute of close for a member of assembly to go to Rawley in, he 'spected to come out a cortin' of Miss Barbry. This sorter rased my dander for he's shockin' likely, with black wiskurs 'cept he's nock-nead with his hare all comded to one side like the Chapel Hill boys and law yers. Then I went in, and after howdy'ing and shakin' hands, and sorter squeasin' of Barbry's, I sot down. There was old Miss Bass, Barbry and Siah Bass, her brother, a monstrus hand at possums old Kurnel Hard, a goin to cort and stopp'd short to rite old Miss Basses will, with Squire Britt and one of the nabors to witness it all rite and strate. This kinder shock'd me till Kurnel Hard, a mighty perlite man, sed ses he, " Mr. Warrick, you are a lookin' oncommon smart." "Yes," ses I, "Kurnel, (a sorter cuttin' my eye at Barbry) middlin' well in body but in mind" " Ah, I see," ses he, (cuttin' of my discoorse) " I understand that you are" (Mr. Porter, I forget the Dixonary words he sed but it were that I were in love. If you could have s-eed my face and felt it burne, you would a tho't that you had the billyous fever and as for Bar bry, now want she red as a turkey cock's gills and " Then she tuck up her pipe and went to smokin' the way she rowl'd the mok out was astonwhin'." Pa0 93. COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 93 she gump'd up and said, "Ma'am," and run outer the room, tho' nobody on yearth that I heerd on called her and then I heerd Polly Cox 'drot her pictur ! who is hired to weeve a sniggrin at me. Arter a while, Squire Britt and the nabor went off and Siah ho went a Coonin' of it with his dogs, but driv old Troup back, for he's deth on Rabbits and old Miss Bass went out, and Kurnal Hard, arter taken a drink outen his cheer box, he got behin' the door and shuck'd himself and got into one of the beds in the fur eend of the room. Arter a while, old Miss Bass cum back, and sot in the chimbly corner and tuck off her shoes and then tuck up her pipe and went to smokin' the way she rowl'd the smoke out was astonishin' and evry now and then she struck her head and sorter gron'd like what it were at I don't know, 'cept she were bother'd 'bout her consarns or thinkin' bout her will which she had jist sined. Bimeby Barbry cum back, and sot on a cheer clost by me. She was a workin' of a border that look ed mity fine. Ses I, " Miss Barbry, what is that that you're seamstring so plagy putty?" Ses she, " it teent nothin'." Up hollered old Miss Bass, " Why," ses she, " Mr. Warrick, it's a nite cap, and what on the Lord's yearth young peple now a days works and laces and befrils nite caps fur / can't tell it beets me bediz- inin' out their heads when they're gwain to bed, just as if any body but their own peple seed 'em ; and there's young men with wiskurs on there upper lip, and briches upenin' before it want so in my day but young peo ple's got no sense bless the Lord oh-me" " Lord mammy," ses Barbry, " do hush." Ses old Miss Bass, 42 94 BILLY WARRICK'S " I shaant for its the nat'ral truth." I sorter look'd at my briches and Mr. Porter, I were struck into a heap for if two of my buttons want loose, so that one could see the eend of my factry homespun shurt ! I drap't my handkercher in my lap, and run my hand down and hapen'd to button it putty slick but it gin me sich a skeer I shall never ware another pare. Miss Barbry then begun a talkin' with me 'bout the fashuns, when I were in town, but old Miss Bass broke in, and ses she, " Yes, they tells me that the gals in town has injun rubber things blowed up and ties aroun' there wastes, and makes 'em look bigger behin' than afore for all the world like an 'oman was sorter in a curous way behind." Thinks I, what's comin 1 next when old Miss Bass, knockin' the ashes outer her pipe, gethered up her shuse and went off. Then Barbry blushed and begun talkin' bout the singin' meetin', and kinder teched me up bout bein' fond of sparkin' Dicey Loomis jist to see how I'd take it. " Well," ses I, " she's bout the likeliest gal in this settlement, and I rekon mity nigh the smartest they tells me she kin spin more cuts in a day, and card her own rolls, and danse harder and longer, and sing more songs outer the Missunary Harmony, than any gal in the country." You see Mr. Porter, I thot I'd size her pile. Ses she sorter poutin' up and jist tossin her head " If thems your sentiments, why don't you cort her for my part I knows sevral young ladies that's jist as smart and can sing as many songs and dance as well and as for her bein' the prettiest Laws a Mersy ! sher you shouldn't judge for me sposin' /was a man!" COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 95 I thot I'd come agin, but was sorter feard of runnin' the thing in the groun'. Then I drawd up my cheer a leetle closer, and were jist about to talk to the spot, when I felt choky, and the trimbles tuck me uncommon astonishin'. Ses Barbry, lookin' rite up in my face, and 'sorter quivrinin her talk ses she, "Mr. Warrick, goodness gracious, what does ale you ?" Ses I, hardly abel to talk, " It's that drotted three day agur I cotch'd last fall a clearin' in the new grouns I raly bleve it will kill me, but it makes no odds, daddy and mammy is both ded, and I'm the only one of six as is left, and nobody would kear." Ses she lookin' rite mornful, and holdin' down her lied " Billy, what does make you talk so ? you auter know that there's one that would kear and greve too." Ses I, peartin up, " I should like to know if it ar an 'oman for if its any gal that's spectable and creddittable, I could love her like all creashun. Barbry," ses I, takin of her hand, " aint I many a time, as I sot by the fire at home, all by my lone self, aint I considerd how if I did have a good wife how I could work for her, and do all I could for her, and make her pleasant like and happy, and do evry thing for her ?" Well, Barbry she look'd up to me, and seemed so mornful and pale, and tears in her sweet eyes, and pretendin' she didn't know I held her hand, that I could not help sayin' " Barbry, if that sumbody that keard was only you, I'd die for you, and be burryd a dozen times." She trimbld, and look'd so pretty, and sed nothin' I couldn't help kissin' her, and seem' she didn't say " quit," I kissed her nigh on seven or eight times; and as old Miss Bass had gone to bed, and Kur- 96 BILLY WARRICK'S nel Hard was a snorin' away, I want perticillar, and I spose I kissed her too loud, for jist as I kissed her the last time, out hollered old Miss Bass, " My lord ! Barbry, old Troup is in the milk-pan ! I heerd him smackin his lips a lickin of the milk. Git out, you old varmint ! git out !" Seein' how the gander hopped, I jumped up, and hollered " Git out, Troup, you old raskel !" and opened the door to make bleve I let him out. As for Barbry, she laffed till she was nigh a bustin' a holdin' in, and run out ; and I heerd Kurnel Hardy's bed a shakin' like he had my three day agur. Well, I took tother bed, after havin' to pull my britches over my shuse, for I couldn't unbut- ten my straps. Next mornin I got up airly, and Siah axed me to stay to breakfast, but I had to feed an old cow at the free pastur, and left. Jist as I got to the bars, I meets old Miss Bass, and ses she, " Mr. Warrick, next time you see a dog a lickin up milk, don't let him do it loud enuff to wake up evry body in the house perticerlar when there's a stranger bout." And Barbry sent me word that she's so shamed that she never kin look me in the face agin, and never to come no more. Mr. Porter, what shall I do ? I feel oncommon sorry and distrest. Do write me. I seed a letter from N. P. Willis tother day in the Nashunal Intelligensur where he sed he nad a hedake on the top of his pen ; I've got it at both eends, for my hands is crampped a writin, and my hart akes. Do write me what to do. No more at pressence, but remane WM. WARRICK. COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 97 CHAPTER II. W A R R I C K IN LUCE. " I'd orfen heerd it said ob late, Dat Norf Carolina was de state, Whar hansome boys am bound to slime, Like Dandy Jim of de Caroline." Etc. PINEY BOTTOM, in Old North State, March 21, this 1844. MR. PORTER, I rode three mile evry Satterdy to git a letter outer the Post Offis, spectin' as how you had writ me a anser ; but I spose what with Pineter dogs, and bosses, and Kricket, and Boxin', and Texas, Tre- bla, and three Fannys, and Acorns, and Punch in per- ticlar, you hain't had no time. I'm glad your Speerit is revivin' ; so is mine, and, as the boy sed to his mam my, I hopes to be better acquainted with you. Well, I got so sick in my speerits and droopy like, that I thot I should ev died stone ded, not seein' of Barbry for three weeks. So one evenin' I went down, spectin' as how old Miss Bass had gone to Sociashun, for she's mity religus, and grones shockin' at prayers to hear two prechers from the Sanwitch Hans, where they tells me the peple all goes naked which is comi- kil, as factry homespun is cheap, and could afford to kiver themselves at nine cent a yard. When I went in, there sot old Miss Bass and old Miss Collis a- smokin' and chattin' amazin'. I do think old Miss Collis beats all natur at smokin'. Old Miss Collis had on her Sundy frock, and had it draw'd up over her kneas to keep from skorchin', and her pettykoats rased tolerble high as she sot over the 98 BILLY WARRICK'" fire to be more comfortabler like, but when she seed me she drop'd 'em down, and arter howd'ying and civerlizin' each other I sot down, but being sorter flusti- cated like, thinkin' of that skrape, last time I was here, about old Troup lickin' of the milk, and my briches that is open before comin' unbotten'd and showin' the eend of my sheert, I didn't notis perticlar where I sot. So I sot down in a cheer where Barbry had throw'd down her work (when she seed me comin' at the bars) and run and her nedle stuck shockin' in my into me, and made me jump up oncomtnon and hollered ! I thought old Miss Collis woulder split wide open a laffin', and old Miss Bass like to a busted, and axed my parding for laffin', and I had to give in, but it was laffin' on t'other side, and had to rub the place. Arter a while we got done but it looked like I had bad luck, for in sittin' down agin I lik'd to have sot on Barbry's torn cat, which if I had, I shoulder bin like* Kurnel Zip Coon's wife, who jump'd into a holler log to mash two young panters to deth, and they scratched her so bad she couldn't set down for two munse! I seed this 'ere in a almynack. Old Miss Bass seein' I was bothered, axed me to have a dram, but I thank'd her, no. Ses she, " Mr. Warrick, you ain't one of the Tem- prite Siety ?" Ses I, " No, but I hain't got no casion, at presence '" Ses she, " You is welcome." Well, we chatted on some time 'bout prechin, and mumps, and the measly oitment, and Tyler gripes, and Miss Collis she broke out and sod COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 99 " T never did hear the beat of them Tyler gripes ! I have hearn talk of all sorter gripes, and dry gripes, and always thought that the gripes was in the stomic, before now, but bless your soul, Miss Bass, this here gripes is in the hed ! I told my old man that no good would come of 'lectin' Tyler, but poor old creeter, he's sorter hard-headed, and got childish, and would do it. O! me? well, we're all got to come to it and leve this world ! Bless the Lord ! I hope I'm ready !" And then she struck her hed, and spit out her ter- baccer juce as slick as a Injun. "That's a fact," ses old Miss Bass, " you're right, Miss Collis ; old men gits uncommon stubborn ; a hard, mity hard time, I had with my old man. But he's ded and gone ! I hope he's happy !" and they both groan ed and shet their eyes, and pucked up their mouths. Ses she " He got mity rumitys and troubled me pow erful, and the old creetur tuck astonishin' of dokter's stuff, and aleckcampane and rose of sublimit but he went at last ! The Lord's will be done ! Skat ! you stinkin' hussy, and come out of that kibbard !" ses she to the cat " I do think cats is abominable, and that tom-cat of Barbry's is the 'scheviousest cat I ever did see!" Ses Miss Collis, " Cats is a pest, but a body can't do well without 'em ; the mice would take the house bo dily," ses she ; " Miss Bass, they tells me that Dicey Loomis is a-gwying to be married her peple was in town last week, and bort a power of things and arty- fishals, and lofe sugar, and ribbuns, and cheese, and sich like !" 100 BILLY WARRIOR'S " Why," ses Miss Bass, " you don't tell me so ! Did I ever hear the beat o' that ! Miss Collis, are it a fact!" " Yes," ses Miss Collis, " it's the nat'ral truth, for brother Bounds tell'd it to me at last class meetin'." Ses Miss Bass, hollerin' to Barbry in t'other room, * Barbry, do you hear that Dicey Loomis is gwying to git married ? Well ! well ! it beats me ! bless the Lord ! I wonder who she's gwying to git married to, Miss Collis?" Ses Miss Collis, " Now, child, yure too hard for me ; but they do say it's to that Taler from Town. Well, he's a putty man, and had on such a nice dress 'cept he's most too much nock nead, sick eyes and sick whiskers, and now don't he play the fiddle ?" Ses Miss Bass " Well, Dicey is a middlin' peart gal, but for my part I don't see what the taler seed in her." " Nor I nuther," ses Miss Collis," but she's gwine to do well. I couldn't a sed no if he'd a axed for our Polly." " Then in comes Barbry, and we how-dy'd and both turned sorter red in the face, and I trimbl'd tolerable and felt agurry. Well, arter we talk'd a spell, all of us, Miss Bass got up and ses she, " Miss Collis I want to show you a nice passel of chickens ; our old speckled hen come off with eleven, yisterdy, as nice as ever you did see." Then old Miss Collis riz up, and puttin' her hands on her hips, and stratened like, and ses, right quick " Laws a massy ! my poor back ! Drat the rumatics ! COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 101 It's powerful bad ; it's gwyne to rain, I know ! oh, me ! me !" and they both went out. Then Barbry look'd at me so comikil and sed, Billy, I raly shall die thinkin' of you and old Troup !" and she throw'd her self back and laffed and laffed ; and she look'd so putty and so happy ses I to myself, " Billy Warrick, you must marry that gal and no mistake, or brake a trace !" and I swore to it. Well, we then talk'd agreeable like, and sorter saft, and both of us war so glad to see one another till old Miss Bass and Miss Collis come back ; and bimeby Miss Collises youngest son come for her, and I helped her at the bars to get up behin' her son, and ses she, " Good bye, Billy ! Good luck to you ! I know'd your daddy and mammy afore you was born on yerth, and I was the fust one after your granny that had you in the arms me and Miss Bass talked it over! you'll git a smart, peart, likely gal! So good bye, Billy !" Ses I, " Good bye, Miss Collis," and ses I, " Gooly, take good kear of your mammy, my son !" You see I thot Fd be perlite. Well, when I went back there sot old Miss Bass, and ses she, " Billy ! Miss Collis and me is a bin talk- in' over you and Barbry, and seein' you are a good karickter and smart, and well to do in the world, and a poor orphin boy, I shan't say no ! Take her, Billy, and be good to her, and God bless you, my son, for I'm all the mammy you've got !" so she kiss'd me, and ses she, " now kiss Barbry. We've talk'd it over, and leave us now for a spell, for it's hard to give up my child!" So I kiss'd Barbry and left. 102 BILLY WARRIOR'S The way I rode home was oncommon peart, and my old mare pranced and was like the man in skriptur who " waxed fat and kickd," and I hurried home to tell old Venus, and to put up three shotes and some turkies to fatten for the innfare. Mr. Porter, it's to be the third Wensday in next month, and Barbry sends you a ticket and if it's a boy, I shall name it arter you hopin' you will put it in your paper that is, the weddin'. So wishin' you a heap of subskribers, I remane in good helth and speerits at presence. Your Friend, WM. WARRICK. CHAPTER III. WARRICK'S WEDDING. Described in a letter by an " old flame" of his. To Miss Polly Stroud, nigh Noxvil in the State of Tennysee, clost by where the French Broad and Holsin jines. Piney Bottom, this July 9, of 1844. Miss Polly Stroud dere maddam. I now take my pen in hand of the presence oppertunity to let you know how we are all well, but I am purry in sperits hopin this few lines may find you the same by gods mercy as I have been so mortyfide I could cry my eyes out bodily. Bill Warrick, yes Bill Warrick, is married to Bar bry Bass ! I seed it done a mean trifllin, deceevinist creetur but never mind Didnt I know him when we went to old field skool a little raggid orflin Boy, with nobody to patch his close torn behin a makin of a dicky-dicky- dout of himself cause his old nigger oman COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 103 Venus was too lazy to mend em ? Didnt I know him when he couldnt make a pot hook or a hanger in his copy book to save his life, as for makin of a S he al ways put it tother way, jist so g backwards. And then to say I were too old for him and that he always con ceited I was a sort of a sister to him ! O Polly Stroud, he is so likely, perticlar when he is dressed up of a Sunday or a frolick and what is worser his wife is prutty too, tho I dont acknowlige it here. Only too think how I doated on him, how I used to save bosim blossoms for him, which some people call sweet sentid shrubs and how I used to put my hand in an pull them out for him, and how I used to blush when he sed they was sweeter for comin from where they did ? Who went blackberryin and huckleberryin with me? who always rode to preechun with me and helped me on the hos? who made Pokebery stains in dimons and squares and circles and harts and so on at quiltins for me ? and talkin of Poke I do hope to fathers above that Poke will beat Clay jist to spite Bill, for he is a rank dis tracted Whig and secreterry to the Clay Club who always threaded my nedle and has kissed me in perticler, in playin of kneelin to the wittyist, bowin to the puttyist, and kissin of them you love best, and playin Sister Feebe, and Oats, Peas-Beans and Barly grows at least one hundred times? Who wated as candil holder with me at Tim Bolins weddin, and sed he knowd one in the room hed heap rather marry, and looked at me so un common, and his eyes so blue that I felt my face burn for a quarter of a hour ? who I do say was it but Bill Warrick yes, and a heap more. If I havent a grate 104 BILLY WARRICK'S mind to sue him, and would do it, if it wasnt I am feared bed show a Voluntine I writ to him Feberary a year ago. He orter be exposed, for if ever he is a widderer hell fool somebody else the same way he did me. Its a burnin shame, I could hardly hold my head up at the weddin. If I hadnt of bin so mad and too proude to let him see it I could of cried severe. Well, it was a nice weddin sich ice cakes and mi- nicies and rasins and oringis and hams, flour doins and chickin fixins, and four oncommon fattest big goblers rosted I ever seed. The Bryde was dressed in a white muslin figgured over a pink satin pettycote, with white gloves and satin shoes, and her hair a curlin down with a little rose in it, and a chain aroun her neck. I dont know whether it was raal gool or plated. She looked butiful, and Bill did look nice, and all the candydates and two preechers and Col. Hard was there, and Bills niggers, the likeliest nine of them you ever looked at, and when I did look at em and think, I raly thought I should or broke my heart. Well, sich kissin several of the gals sed that there faces burnt like fire, for one of the preechers and Col. Hard wosnt shaved clost. Bimeby I was a sittin leanin back, and Bill he come behin me and sorter jerked me back, and skeared me powerful for fear I was fallin backwards, and I skreamed and kicked up my feet before to ketch like, and if I hadnt a had on pantalets I reckon somebody would of knowd whether I gartered above my knees or not. We had a right good laff on old Parson Brown as he got through a marryin of em says he, "I pronounce you, William Warrick and Barbry Bass, man and oman," COURTSHIP AND WEDDING. 105 ho did look so when we laffed, and he rite quick sed " man and wife salute your Bryde," and Bill looked horrid red, and Barbry trimbled and blushed astonishin severe. Well, its all over, but I dont keer theres as good fish in the sea as ever come outen it. Im not poor for the likes of Bill Warrick, havin now three sparks, and one of them from Town, whose got a good grocery and leads the Quire at church outer the Suthern Harmony, the Missonry Harmony is gone outer fashion. Unkle Ben's oldest gal Suky is gwine to marry a Virginny tobacker roler, named Saint George Drum- mon, and he says he is a kin to Jack Randolf and Po- kerhuntus, who they is the Lord knows. Our Jack got his finger cut with a steal trap catchin of a koon for a Clay Club, and the boys is down on a tar raft, and ole Miss Collis and mammy is powerful rumatic, and the measly complaint is amazin. I jist heard you have got two twins agin that limestone water must be astonish- in curyous in its affects. What is the fashuns in Ten- nysee, the biggist sort of Bishups is the go here. My love to your old man, your friend. NANCY GUITON. Old Miss Collis and mammy is jist come home. Betsy Bolin is jist had a fine son and they say she is a doin as well as could be expected, and the huckleberry crop is short on account of the drouth. A BULLY BOAT . AND A BRAG CAPTAIN. A STORT OF STEAMBOAT LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI BY SOL. SMITH. One of the oldest and assuredly one of the best correspondents the " Spirit of the Times" ever boasted of, is the writer of the story which follows. " Old Sol," as he is familiarly termed, has been, in the course of his eventful life, " every thing by turns," but unlike many " a Jack of all trades" he is really " good at anything." As editor, manager, preacher, or lawyer, he has not only commanded success but deserved it. For many years he has been associated with Mr. Ludlow in the management of the Mobile, New Orleans, and St. Louis theatres. Within a few weeks he has been admitted to practice as an attorney and counsellor at law "in all the Courts of the state of Missouri." We will only add that we wish him in brief, lots of practice. DOES any one remember the Caravan ? She was what would now be considered a slow boat ; then [1827] she was regularly advertised as the "fast running," etc. Her regular trips from New Orleans to Natchez were usually made in from six to eight days ; a trip made by her in five days was considered remarkable. A voyage from New Orleans to Vicksburg and back, including stoppages, generally entitled the officers and crew to a month's wages. Whether the Caravan ever achieved the feat of a voyage to the Falls, (Louisville,) I have never learned; if she did, she must have "had a time of it!" 106 A BRAG CAPTAIN. 107 It was my fate to take passage in this boat. Tho Captain was a good-natured, easy-going man, careful of the comfort of his passengers, and exceedingly fond of the game of brag.* We had been out a little more than five days, and we were in hopes of seeing the bluffs of Natchez on the next day. Our wood was getting lo\v, and night coming on. The pilot on duty above, (the other pilot held three aces at the time, and was just calling out the Captain, who " went it strong" on three kings,) sent down word that the mate had reported the stock of wood reduced to half a cord. The worthy Cap tain excused himself to the pilot whose watch was below, and the two passengers who made up the party, and hurried to the deck, where he soon discovered, by the landmarks, that we were about half a mile from a wood- yard, which he said was situated " right round yonder point." " But," muttered the Captain, " I don't much like to take wood of the yellow-faced old scoundrel who owns it he always charges a quarter of a dollar more than any one else ; however, there's no other chance." The boat was pushed to her utmost, and, in a little less than an hour, when our fuel was about giving out, we made the point, and our cables were out and fastened to trees, alongside of a good-sized wood-pile. " Hollo, Colonel ! how d'ye sell your wood this time?" A yellow-faced old gentleman, with a two weeks' beard, strings over his shoulders holding up to his arm pits a pair of copperas-coloured linsey-woolsey pants, the * It must be recollected, that the incidents here related, took place seventeen years ago. Within the last ten years, although I have travel led en hundreds of boats, I have nnt teen an officer of a boat play a card. G 108 A BULLY BOAT legs of which reached a very little below the knee; shoes without stockings ; a faded, broad-brimmed hat, which had once been black, and a pipe in his mouth casting a glance at the empty guards of our boat, and uttering a grunt as he rose from fastening our " spring line," answered, " Why, Capting, we must charge you three and a quarter THIS time" "The d 11" replied the Captain (Captains did swear a little in those days) " what's the odd quarter for, I should like to know 1 You only charged me three as I went down." " Why, Capting," drawled out the wood-merchant, with a sort of leer on his yellow countenance, which clearly indicated that his wood was as good as sold, " wood's riz since you went down two weeks ago ; be sides, you are awar that you very seldom stop going down; when you're going up, you're sometimes oblee- ged to give me a call, becaze the current's aginst you, and there's no other wood-yard for nine miles ahead ; and if you happen to be nearly out of fooel, why" " Well, well," interrupted the Captain, " we'll take a few cords, under the circumstances" and he return ed to his game of brag. In about half an hour we felt the Caravan commence paddling again. Supper was over, and I retired to my upper berth, situated alongside and overlooking the brag-table, where the Captain was deeply engaged, having now the other pilot as his principal opponent. We jogged on quietly and seemed to be going at a good rate. AND A BRAG CAPTAIN. 109 " How does that wood burn ?" inquired the Captain of the mate, who was looking on at the game. " 'Tisn't of much account, I reckon," answered the mate " it's cotton-wood, and most of it green at that." " Well, Thompson (three aces, again, stranger I'll take that X and the small change, if you please it's your deal) Thompson, I say, we'd better take three or four cords at the next wood-yard it can't be more than six miles from here (two aces and a bragger, with the age ! hand over those Vs.") The game went on and the paddles kept moving. At 11 o'clock, it was reported to the Captain that we were nearing the wood-yard, the light being distinctly seen by the pilot on duty. " Head her in shore, then, and take in six cords, if it's good see to it, Thompson, I can't very well leave the game now it's getting right warm ! This pilot's beating us all to smash." The wooding completed, we paddled on again. The Captain seemed somewhat vexed, when the mate in formed him that the price was the same as at the last wood-yard three and a quarter; but soon again became interested in the game. From my upper berth (there was no state-rooms then) I could observe the movements of the players. All the contention appeared to be between the Captain and the pilots, (the latter personages took it turn and turn about, steering and playing brag,) one of them almost invaria bly winning, while the two passengers merely went through the ceremony of dealing, cutting, and paying up their " antics" They were anxious to learn the game 43 110 A BULLY BOAT and they did learn it ! Once in awhile, indeed, see ing they had two aces and a bragger, they would ven ture a bet of five or ten dollars, but they were always compelled to back out before the tremendous bragging of the Captain or pilot or if they did venture to "call out" on " two bullits and a bragger," they had the mor- lification to find one of the officers had the same kind of a hand, and were more venerable ! Still, with all these disadvantages, they continued playing they wanted to learn the game. At 2 o'clock, the Captain asked the mate how we were getting on ? " Oh, pretty glibly, sir," replied the mate, " we can scarcely tell what headway we are making, for we are obliged to keep the middle of the river, and there is the shadow of a fog rising. This wood seems rather better than that we took in at old yellow-face's, but we're nearly out again, and must be looking out for more. I saw a light just ahead on the right shall we hail?" " Yes, yes," replied the Captain, " ring the bell and ask 'em what's the price of wood up here ? I've got you again ; here's double kings." I heard the bell and the pilot's hail : " What's your price for wood ?" A youthful voice on the shore answered : " Three and a quarter !" " D n it !" ejaculated the Captain, who had just lost the price of two cords to the pilot the strangers suffering some at the same time " Three and a quarter again ! Are we never to get to a cheaper country ? deal, sir, if you please better luck next time." The other pilot's voice was again heard on deck AND A BRAG CAPTAIN. Ill " How much have you ?" " Only about ten cords, sir," was the reply of the youthful salesman. The Captain here told Thompson to take six cords, which would last till daylight and again turned his attention to the game. The pilots here changed places. When did they sleep ? Wood taken in, the Caravan again took her place in the middle of the stream, paddling on as usual. Day at length dawned. The brag-party broke up, and settlements were being made, during which opera tion the Captain's bragging propensities were exercised in cracking up the speed of his boat, which, by his reckoning, must have made at least sixty miles, and would have made many more, if he could have procur ed good wood. It appears the two passengers, in their first lesson, had incidentally lost one hundred and twenty dollars. The Captain, as he rose to see about taking in some good wood, which he felt sure of obtaining, now he had got above the level country, winked at his opponent, the pilot, with whom he had been on very bad terms during the progress of the game, and said, in an under-tone, " Forty a-piece for you and I and James ^the other pilot) is not bad for one night." I had risen, and went out with the Captain, to enjoy a view of the bluffs. There was just fog enough to prevent the vision taking in more than sixty yards so I was disappointed in my expectation. We were near- ing the shore for the purpose of looking for wood, the banks being invisible from the middle of the river. " There it is !" exclaimed the Captain, " stop her !" 112 A BULLY BOAT. Ding ding ding ! went the big bell, and the Cap tain hailed : Hollo ! the wood-yard !" "Hollo yourself!" answered a squeaking female voice, which came from a woman with a petticoat over her shoulders in place of a shawl. " What's the price of wood ?" " I think you ought to know the price by this time," answered the old lady in the petticoat " it's three and a qua-a-rter ! and now you know it." " Three and the d 1 !" broke in the Captain what, have you raised on your wood too ! I'll give you three, and not a cent more." " Well," replied the petticoat, " here comes the old man he'll talk to you." And, sure enough, out crept from the cottage the veritable faded hat, copperas-coloured pants, yellow countenance and two weeks' beard we had seen the night before, and the same voice we had heard regu lating the price of cotton-wood squeaked out the follow ing sentence, accompanied by the same leer of the same yellow countenance ; " Why darn it all, Capting, there is but three or four cords left, and since ifs you, I don't care if I do let you have it for three as you're a good customer!" After a quick glance at the landmarks around, the Captain bolted, and turned in to take some rest. The fact became apparent the reader will probably have discovered it some time since that we had been wooding all night at the same wood-yard ! LETTER FROM BILLY PATTERSON HIMSELF. " Wlio hit Billy Patterson?" The following letter gives the very latest intelligence of the where abouts and "condition" of Mr. William Patterson an individual whose fame is as imperishable as that of" The Man with the Claret- coloured Coat," so renowned as the assailant of the New York Arse nal, and " My son George and the Carpenter." Mr. Patterson is the individual who was so brutally assaulted some time ago, and it will be seen that in the following letter (addressed to the New Orleans " Republican") he feelingly and delicately alludes to that " vilent bio reseaved long sense by some anonymus person." It may be pro per to state, by way of explanation of the cause which has brought Mr. Patterson himself before the public, over his own signature, thac there has lately been a great excitement at New Orleans about a Witch, who, it is alleged, has been seen thereabouts, meditating mis chief. N. Orleans jun 7. RE SPEXTID SUR. Owen to a vilent bio reseaved long sense by some anonymus person, by witch rooma- tiz tuk place in the eppygastrum and the hoptic nurve was hyly diskolor'd, comin nigh to subjectin yores truly to a Panefull post mortum opperrashun and a vilent hurtopsey i was kumpelled to 4 go a mixture with Publik effares and konfine myself to Silense and Diet on less i Wanted to make a Die of it to yuse a vul- gerism. I now ressom the pen so's to nudge the Pub lik mind on a Grave preposition. Here it Is. Ken 115 116 LETTER FROM BILLY PATTERSON. witchkraft flurrish in an intelligent age ? I holed the convurs of the fact but some Go it Strong on the opper- sition, and they sa that the witch witch was taken Up down in the Furst was a Boner fidey sprigg of the old Boy himselff. Now sais i wares yure prufe. Ken enny body ride a Steepel chase on a brume Handel ceptin the flyin Bird man, and He coudent. Wos evur enny wun knone to jump out of thare Skin, as roomer ses this witch did, ceptin a poor man that had a fortin left to Him, witch Dont komonly happen. Agin they say this witch went into the worter, wareas we all Kno that witches hate worter like Pizen and never so much as wosh theirselves, and the Salem fokes went so fur as to souse em in the Hoss pond when tha was suspected of puttin the devil into thare naburs ship and lams, witch went agin thar feelins wuss than Enny thing tha could do to em. So the worter biziness wont Go down no more than twill down a drunkerds throte. Now conollogy tells us that witchcraft has been nocked into a cock'd Hat ever sense the time of old King Joemes of Ingland, and Krumwill. McBeth upset their pot of potaturs for em in the Woods wun day as Billy Shakes Pear tells us, for witch tha turned round and give him pertikler Jessy; but littery men knoes that wos a licens of Potry and no sitch thing more Over didn't the Wizerd of the noth, old Walter Skott, who had a Feller feelin with the witches, rite a book to kwyit em. Tha aint no witches that's the way tc tell it ! But wots a Staggerer is this here clearviants and seein thru stun Wolls wen a man's in a Stait of Sum- LETTER FBOM BILLY PATTERSON. 117 nambei lism aint it the Dooty of the orthoryties to Sea weather thare aint No witcherry in that. Wy aint Mr. Bonnyvilly, Mr. Webbster, and Mr. Bontown, and all the other gentlemen that goes it strong on wusser can- ticoes than ever the witches Did, why aint they, i repit, horld over the Coles. Wy dont the lor Do its Dooty without fear or affexshun, and knot make a Silk puss of wun and a sows ere of tother. But mebby it will be kontended that our Statties haint no claws agin wizerds, but if pullin a stubburn Snag out of a man's jor and he not knoin its out aint wuth sich a claws, then tare me off and Burn me ! thay'll be Nock in a man's Hed off wile in a Mag Nettick state and plasterin it on agin afore he's brot to, bim by, and wuns ennymis will mes- mureys Him stock still in the streat when he darts Out in a hurre to pa a Note in the bank, and thare will be no End to the misschif that will B en Tailed, i sa them's em tha ort to be sket Up and med to kwit put- tin spells and witch gammon on the kommunety. paper bein out, No more til a futur pearioud. I re- mane yures with a rakkin pane in the sholder witch i hev ben trubbled with Ever sence my Ruffinly a salt W. PATTERSON. A SWIM FOR A DEEB. A MISSISSIPPI STOR Y B Y THE ' k TURKEY RUNXE R." Like "N. of Arkansas," Thorpe, Noland, Winslow, McClure, Ains- worth, and others, the writer of the following sketch made his debut before the world of letters in the New- York " Spirit of the Times." He is nearly connected with a late governor of one of the principal cotton-growing states ; and under the signature of" The Turkey Run ner,"* his original sketches of life and manners in the south-west have made him a formidable rival of the author of " Tom Owen the Bee Hunter." His two favourite characters, who figure in almost all his hunting stories, are "Jim" and " Chunkey." The latter, poor fellow, is now no more, having died very suddenly, recently, in his thirty-fifth year, at the plantation of ex-governor McNutt, in Missis sippi. His name was James W. Wofford. He is said to have been. a warm-hearted, generous and inoffensive man, and a keen sports man. His only faults grew out of his social disposition ; but he pos sessed so many virtues and good qualities, that the wide circle of his acquaintance could have better spared a better man. In the follow ing story Jim recounts to the writer a hunting incident, in which * In the barren lands of the South, during the autumn, from the fall- In the Stait ov loozy-anne. 3 WELL, Kernul, I sees as how youve kwit Orleens and tuck up bout Videllai, but you newer sed nuthin bout it to noboddy. Well Irae sorry fur your kwitten the cittee, but Ime glad youve jined that uther Bobb who is zactly thar with a kwil, and you ma sai " how dy" tu him fur me. Well I thot az that I might az well kill the roomeytiz by tellin you how I kill turkis, az to grunt fur nuthin. So hears fur a hunt. Well now fust you must have a rifel az iz zactly to the spec. Bout the fust ov Octobur we ginerally takes 147 148 iTOKE 81 OUT. to huntin rigler in the scratching an mine you must hav a turky hown az iz bout 3 parts Dear Hown and the tother pinter, tho sumtimes haf and haf will doo. I knowd won wonst that wer a haf hown an ^ dog az wer purty good, an a man cum along heer goin on 2 weez now az said az that he had wun az wur all dog, an that he wer fust raght ; but, az I sed at fust, a tuch of hown with a leetle plnter, maks a turki huntin dog sartin. As I was sain, you taks yur hown in the woods and you skeers up the turkis in the trees, an you pokes and kreeps sow az if you seed wun all the time. The fust thing you heer, you see the turkis goin in a streek off, then you must go on furder, an when you gits right, you must put sum bushes on a big logg and git behin it, an yelp on yur kwil, whitch must be of kane, or a wing bowne of a turki, az yelped coarse afor you killed it, will do. Wei you must hav a flint lok, an then yu la low, an snap an flash as much as you pleas, but the fust cap as yu hexploads with a precushing gun the turkis they put and wawks Sphanish, which means a turki trot, an then to catch em yu must go on furder besides makin turkis wilde. Iv seen bad huntin make turkis so wild that they would run wen they heerd anybody yelpt, and they would run every time they gobbled. A feller down on Big Kooney sez az that heez seed em so wild az that they would cluck an put rown his tree an when the old wun cum up they would fly off an wait to kno for sartin it was her, an that he has seen em put their heds in swamp hols, an hollar logs afore they gobbled. But I cant certifi to this fellers tails, but sar- Un turnip kno what yu want an aint thar wen yu pokes STOKE STOUT. 149 yur hed rown a tree for em. Well, this kind of huntin continus tu about the Middel of febberry, an then yu must leav yur turki hown at home, az the hens begin tu lai thar egs, an no rale hunter wil kil any more until the fust of Octobure cums agin. Well, yu goz on mornins and evenins, an yu pokes an kreeps bout like snaix (you kno how snaix goz) an this wa sumtims yu gits wun an sumtims yu dont git wun ; whil this iz goin on yu haz rale sport, and yu uze your kane or kvvil so as to attrak the gobblers az iz now struttin an a gob- blin off sum of that sort a feelin az iz purty kommon to awl the awnymals bout this seezen o' the year. Sum peeple murder the turkis this time o' year by roosten em (finding their roosts) an buckshooten on em, but no rale hunter wil do that, less he haz cumpenny az wants gaim, or sum ladi wants a turki tale for a phan, or sum sich want. Thar, I'm got a nu twinge in mi fute, an feal kinder sleepy 2, and maybee the romeytis aint jist about got me treed, but that diseease duz yerk a feller an mak him vank an wurm, but it is lait an ile kwit. Yourn az same az anne boddi. I always sines myself STOKE STOUT, Tho Ime ginnerally called << OLD" STOKE; [Old Stoke Stout is one of the genuine turkey hunt ers of Louisiana, and we are glad that the " roomeytis" has driven him from necessity to use his " kwil" in the literary, as well as in the " turki huntin' " line. He is 150 STRAY SUBJECTS. worthy of a better cause, to pass off muslin (New York for cotton) for linen. What a contemptuous opinion of the intellects of Gotham the tall young man of twenty must entertain as a basis for his project ! Then we pic tured a very soft-spoken and very verdant gentleman in sewed boots and an intellectual- looking hat, with a mild description of checked gingham for a neckcloth, who meets the audacious pedlar, falls into the trap, sees no muslin in the sanguine and blooming view he takes of a shirt-pattern, and parts with an excellent pair of doe skins, which he has worn but once, for an article dear at four shillings York currency. ' But with the morning Cool reflection comes.' An astute matron his housekeeper perhaps at one dexterous tweak, accompanied by one flash of a pair of horn-bowed spectacles, detects the imposition. The verdant gentleman in the intellectual hat, sinks into a chair beneath the mingled pressure of shame and indig nation, and only rouses therefrom in the first rush of an inspiration, under the influence of which he pens the ad vertisement we have copied, and which cost him six shillings (York again), for insertion in the Sun. It never occurs to him that the tall young man of twenty' would snap his fingers at the threat, well knowing that if his victim knew where to find him or could prove his guilt, he would at once place a c Star' policeman on his . track, instead of uttering vague threats and cautions in the newspapers. Happily ignorant of this, the soft headed gentleman buttons his muslin shirt to his throat, and indulges in a romantic vision of a return of the < tall young gentleman of twenty,' in penitential tears, with the HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. 151 doeskins neatly folded on his arm those doeskins that have seen the light but once in the summer stillness of a Sabbath day at Harlem. Queer things these adver tisements ! F. A. D. HOW WE SMOKED HIM OUT. To the multitude acquainted with the miseries and mysteries of a < first-rate boarding-house' in New York the following sketch contains but little interest. The many who have never been ' thar,' however, may disco ver a sort of philosophy in the story ; and should any find themselves similarly circumstanced, let them adopt a like remedy, and < take our hat' if the critter is n't druv out!' In the year 183 , I had taken lodgings in a * respect able' boarding-place in street, and a four months' residence had fairly initiated me. I was scarcely twenty, yet I had been plundered of my wardrobe, by a stran ger, who was < stopping only a day or two ;' I had paid the supper-bills at Delmonico's for half-a-score of the knowin' ones, who had invited me to participate with them, and who had either < left their pocket-books at home,' or who had prematurely < stepped out,' as I was finishing my last cup of chocolate. I had run the < neffy* gauntlet, and was perfectly well acquainted with the shortest cut both to and from Passandro's ! I had been four months in Gotham and it was midsummer. The good lady of the house was one of the few who paid her bills, regularly. And well she might! Her 152 STOKE STOUT. bluffs 'bout 8 foot hi. In this fix I stared the bull in the fase, an' twixt the horns, an' thout how mutch he mit way, an' seed how strong he lookt, an' felt I wur a fool for not killin' him 2 yer afore ; an I lookt sharp, an 1 stared, an' grind mi teath, an' winct, an' maid mowths at him, but he only lookt fearser an' fearser. An' then I wisht him sich gude grasse, an' sitch gude wawter, an' sitch gude every ting, az I node he would finde in a field, I thot ov, a half ov a mile offe ; an' I wished this harde awl the tyme, an' I buggun to swett powurfullye, an it drapt offe ov mee. Well, sum how, whil I stared at the bull, an' wisht him every whar ruther than whar he wur, " Old Tony," that wus his nayme, lookt sleepilike, an' I wundered if. he mout be gettin' asleepe shure a nuff, but I wur afeered to try an' sea ; but he stude so purpendicklar, that I thout I wur gawn fur sartin. So I prayde what littell I node how, art kept starirf the bull in the face all the tyme. Directly, for I'me unabell to maike any kawl- kalashun of the tyme, (now min', this iz a fac,) I tell yu fur sartin, that old Mr. Stiggins' old yaller bull, " Toney," turned hisself rown, a' maide rite far the very plase Yde been wishin* him at. I gott out ov the hole, gathured mi gunn, maide trax up the nex hil, tu whar my kreeter wer hitcht, an' I kwit them " scratch- ins" fur the laste time, kwicer nor I never maide owt ov any woodst yit. When I kum 2 like, an' kood brethe a little, T buggun to thinck, an' I wer pestured mitily ; an' az soon az I gott tu the howse, I tells Mister Adverb, the skool teecher, 'bout it, an' he saide to mee, STOKE STOUT. 153 Yu mesmerized the bull, an' then maide him gow tu the phield yu wisht him att." It may be so, but I shall nuver furget the jogriphy ov that hollar in which the bull kawt me. Yours, az same as anne bodie. STOKE STOUT. LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS, BY AN EX-GOVERNOR OF A COTTON-GROWING STATE. The following sketch is furnished by one of the most distinguished men in the Union. We are not at liberty to name him, but he will be re cognized by most readers at the South and West. THREE years ago, of a pleasant cool day in the spring, I was on my way, through the Washita Cove, (Arkansas,) to Fort Smith. I had ridden hard to get to the Widow Gaston's. It was drawing towards sun set, and my horse, like myself, was pretty well tired. At length I met two boys riding one pony, and he bare backed, with a leather tug round his under lip for a bridle. There was to be, as I afterwards learned, a wedding at the widow's that night, and they were going to bring the bridegroom. " How far is it to the Widow Gaston's, my boy ?" said I. " A mile and a half," responded the larger one. " Can I stay there to-night ?" " I reckon not," was the response : " she's not fixed to take in travellers ; and besides, there's going to be company there to-night." At this we separated. By means of hard drumming with their heels a gallop was extracted from the pony, and they were soon out of sight. I rode on to the Widow's, and asked her if I could 154 LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS. 155 stay there ? She said I could not. " Well, madam," aid I, " how far is it to the next house ?" " Three quarters." " And how far to the next ?" " Twenty-four miles." I then asked her whether, if I went on to Royal's (the next house), and could not stop there, I could re turn and stay at her house, and she told me she reck oned I would have to do it. I pushed on towards Royal's, met him on horseback, just in sight of his house, and inquired if I could stay with him ? " No, you can't," was his response. " Why not ?" said I. " Why," said he, " I am just going to get a doctor, and my wife is a-going to be confined to-night." " Well, my friend," said I, " you guess a great deal better here than we do in my country." And so back I went to the Widow's. At the Widow's I found her daughter, who was to be married, waiting for the groom. She was really a beautiful girl, with bright eyes, long black hair, a white band round her head, white dress, red shoes, and no stockings. Soon after I stopped, the two boys were in sight, coming at the top of pony's speed, and shouting vociferously, " Here he comes ! here he comes !" Just behind them came the bridegroom, a great, clumsy, hulking, cur-dog looking fellow, in full dress of leather. The girl, when she heard the outcry, got up and stood in the door-way, twisting a handkerchief in her hands, and as he came in sight (they had not met for sbr 156 LIFE AND MANNERS months) she fell to crying. He came to the door, and without speaking to her, sat down on the outside. After a time in Parson came, dressed in leather breeches, with one shoe and one moccasin, and a straw hat, with half the brim torn off. Soon after the attendants came, two girls and two or three young men ; and the groom came in and sat down by the girl, without saying a word, she still crying. The parson requested the at tendants to tell him to come up and be married. He looked up, and responded gruffly, " I don't allow to be in a hurry about it." The attendant made his report accordingly, whereat the parson cried out loudly, " All candidates for matrimony come forward." At this Hunter came forward alone ; and being sent back, seized the girl by the arm, lugged her up and brought her forward. The parson was scared into fits, mum bled over the service indistinctly, and told them they were man and wife. I then retired into the shed, which was attached to the rear of the solitary room composing the house. Soon after one of the attendants came in and enquired the hour. I told him ten o'clock. He gave a grunt of dissatisfaction, and it then struck me that, as it was Sunday, they were waiting for twelve to arrive, in order to commence the frolic. Accordingly when, a little time after, he again enquired the hour, I told him ten minutes after twelve, and he gave a jump which carried his head through the clap-boards of the roof. I went out with him to see the frolic, and told the Widow that in my part of the country it was the fashion to kiss round at weddings, and so proceeded to kiss her. She IK ARKANSAS. 157 made strenuous opposition, and told me I had got hold of the wrong person she was not one of that sort. However, I succeeded in doing the penance, and then repaid myself by making the same overture to the bride. She covered her mouth with her hand, so that it was with great difficulty I at last kissed one corner ; but when I had done so she paid me back with interest, and did not seem to want to quit. All took to kissing, and then to playing " Sister Phebe." The girls placed a man in the chair, and sung " How happy, how happy, how happy was we, When we sat under the juniper tree ; Put this hat on your head to keep it warm, And take a good kiss, it will do you no harm." They then put a hat on his head, and two of them sat down on his lap, placing their faces close on each side of his, so that he could with difficulty turn his head and kiss them. And so they went through all the trees in the forest. After two or three hours the girls took the bride into the shed room, and then told the groom it was time to go to bed. His response was, " I don't allow to go to bed to-night." They inquired what he intended to do. "Why," said he, "Sister Phebe does me very well." So they got the bride up, dressed her, and went to play ing again, and so we passed the night. The next night I tried to stop at the house of Squire Moore. I met him near his house, and asked him if 1 could stay. " I reckon not." " Why, what is the matter ?" said I. " I'm plumb out of bread." K 158 LIFE AND MANNERS IN ARKANSAS. " That makes no difference I can get along well enough with meat." " But I'm spang out of meat, and I've had mighty bad luck, for I've been out bar-hunting all day, and 1 haven't seen a bar." But I was still more amused, said B , in passing through Parailigta, on my way here. There are but two families living in the town, who have one cow and one child between them, and one family takes the milk in the morning, and the other at night. Early in the morning I heard an old man calling up an old sow, which I had noticed the night before running about with four pigs. The woods were vocal with the cry of Pigooee pigooee pig pig pigee! and directly 1 heard him say " Lige, do you feed that sow, and don't feed her mighty much neither ; and mind drive away them chickens while she's eating ; when the d d things go to roost you feed her again, and feed her good. I reckon we'll come it over 'em in that way." Did you ever hear how B P avoided a duel? He is a full-blooded Yankee, and while in the South on business, managed to be challenged by a fiery Southron. P is a big, good-natured, excellent fellow, and though brave enough, saw no propriety in fighting when that operation would injure his business. So, thinking over the matter, and seeing that he had to fight, or manoeuvre out of it honourably, he forthwith took the challenge to a notary, had it regularly protested, and notice duly given to the drawer. The intended fignt went off in an explosion of fun. ANECDOTES OF THE ARKANSAS BAE, BY A BACKWOODS LAWYER. As the author of " Hymns to the Gods," which appeared in Black- wood's Magazine some years since, ALBERT PIKE, of Arkansas, ac quired at once the highest distinction as a poet. He is a worthy son of New England, and is yet quite young. Upon returning from an expedition to Santa Fe, some years since, he settled in Arkansas, where, after " mauling rails," keeping school, editing a paper, and studying law, he has at length reached the head of his profession the law. He is at this moment quite the most distinguished man of his age in the state, whether as a lawyer or politician. Since the late presidential election he writes us that he is " going back to his books" again a circumstance that will be hailed with gratification by thou sands. Pike relates anecdotes, stories, etc., with inimitable humour and spirit. At our request he wrote out the following anecdotes of the Arkansas Bar, but they are tame when compared with his impas sioned recital. THE pretty little village of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, lies on each side of a line dividing two quarter sections of land, owned by different persons the upper one by a person named Pullen, the lower by a person named Davies. Puiien first laid off a town, after running a principal line between the quarter sections upon his own land, and numbered the lots, beginning with No. 1 at the river, on the north of the drawn line, which ran out at right angles with the river. A pragmatical old Frenchman, one Antoine Baraque, educated for a monk in France, and afterwards a commissary in Napoleon's 46 159 160 ANECDOTES OF THE Spanish army of invasion a small, adust, impetuous old man bought lot No. 1, received, and caused to be recorded, a deed to it from Pullen. The line was after wards run out by Pullen and Davies, and it was ascer tained that Pullen's original line was wrong, and that the true line so struck the river as to cut off lot No. .X entirely, throwing it upon Davies' quarter section. Da- vies then commenced laying off a town on his side, by lots of the same size as Pullen's, and numbering down river from the line, so that what was lot No. 1 on Pul len's town, became lot No. 1 on Davies' town, and was by the latter sold to a stout, ruddy, athletic Frenchman, named Joe Bonne. Baraque found it impossible to understand the new order of things ; and meeting Davies soon after, enter ed upon an expostulation with him upon his conduct, and the consequences to himself resulting from it. "Good God!" said he, " Meestare Davies, I 'ave my lot No. 1 in de town of Pine Bluff from dat Mr. Pul len, and 'ave my deed record in de clerk's office of de county lot No. 1, in de town of Pine Bluff! Ha ! you no see you 'ave rob me of my land. By gar, dere is my deed on record, and I will 'ave my land. I 'ave buy dat lot, and you number him lot No. 1, and he is my lot." " But, my dear sir," said Davies, " you bought of Pullen, and the lot was not upon his land. When thn true line was run, the lot fell on my quarter section." " G dam de line," hotly responded Baraque ; " what you 'spect I care for your dam line ! Dare is my deed on record for lot No. 1, in de town of Pine ARKANSAS BAB. 161 Bluff, and you number dat lot so, and by gar, I will 'ave my lot." " Oh, well, said Davies, " if that is all, I will com mence numbering my lots down in the swamp, and number them up, and then your lot will be lot No. 1 no longer." " Oh, by gar," cried Baraque, " dat would be one dam rascally ting, to rob me of my property in dat way ; and I shall bring one suit for my lot." Sue he did, accordingly, by action of ejectment against Joe Bonne, and employed Colonel Fowler to carry on his suit. During the six months that inter vened between the commencement of the suit and the sitting of the court, he wrote Fowler, on an average, a letter a week. The cause came on for trial Baraque was beaten, of course, and then refused to pay Fowler his fee. Fowler thereupon commenced suit against him. Baraque, upon this, healed up the breach be tween himself and Joe Bonne, and subpo3naed him as a witness. When the cause came on for trial, our two French men sat cosily in court, cheek-by-jowl, and as the trial progressed, Baraque often whispered merrily in Joe Bonne's ear. Fowler at length offered to read divers letters from Baraque in evidence ; and selecting one, commenced. It ran thus : " Mr. Colonel Absalom Foicler, Now I want you to be sure and be at court to attend to dat cause of mine aginst dat dam Joe Bonne, for my lot No. 1, in de town of Pine Bluff," &c. Fowler a formal, stiff, and precise man read the 162 ANECDOTES OF THE letter through without a wink or smile, and proceeded to read another, and another. The third or fourth began in this style : " Mr. Colonel Absalom Fowler, Sir, I want you to be sure and see to dat case of mine aginst dat dam rascal Joe Bonne. I have no idea of being rob of my land in dat dam rascally way, and I will 'ave you know dat I am bound to succeed." Joe drew off from Baraque, and cast upon him fierce glances of anger, and Baraque turned red and pale alternately. Fowler drew out another and commenced reading : " Dear Mr. Colonel Fowler, I will 'ave you know, sare, I must be sure and 'ave you at Court and see to my case against dat dam rascal Joe Bonne. Who stole de hog? Ha! I nevare steal any hog. If anybody want to know who stole de hog, let dem ask Joe Bonne." This capped the climax. Joe shook his fist in Ba- raque's face, and the latter rushed out of Court. Bench, bar, and jury, burst into universal laughter, and without further evidence Fowler took his judg ment. Speaking of Courts, reminds me of some of our specimens of forensic eloquence, pathetic in the highest degree. A limb of the law, who has been a Circuit Judge and Senator, once defended a client for assault and battery before two Justices, and opened his case thus: " May it please your Honours ! I appears before you this day, an humble advocate of the people's rights, ARKANSAS BAR. 163 to redress the people's wrongs. Justice, may it please your Honours, justice is all we ask ; and justice is due, from the tallest and highest archangel that sits upon the thrones of heaven, to the meanest and most in significant demon that hroils upon the coals of hell. If my client, may it please your Honours, has been guilty of any offence at all, unknown to the catalogue of the law, he has been guilty of the littlest and most insig nificant offence which has ever been committed from the time when the ' morning stars sung together with joy, shout heavenly muse !' ' Another eminent member of the bar, who has made a fortune by his practice, once in a murder case, in which I was engaged with him, the prisoner having committed the act while intoxicated, said to the jury in the course of his speech : " Gentlemen of the jury, it is a principle congenial with the creation of the world, and handed down from posterity, that drunkenness always goes in commiseration of damages." At another time he told a jury, that a person indicted for assault and battery, " beat and bruised the boy, and amalgamated his head." And finally, in an action for slander, brought by a female client against one Thomas Williams, who had uttered some injurious imputations against her virgin purity, he thus broke forth : "Who is this Tom Williams, gentlemen of the jury, that comes riding out of the Cherokee nation, on the suburbs of posterity ? He knocked at my client's door at the dead hour of the night, and she refused to get up and let him in. Wasn't this a proof of her virginity ?" HOSS ALLEN, OF MISSOURI. The following sketch is by the author of " Sioallovnng an Oyster JIUveF' and was originally published in the St. Louis "Reveill6." THIS celebrated gentleman is a recognized " hoss" certainly; and, we are told, rejoices as much at his cog- nomination, as he did at his nomination for the chair gubernatorial, last election. He did not run well enough to reach the chair, though it appears from his own ac count, that his hoss qualities, " any how," fall consider ably below those of the sure-enough animal. This ia his story which he is very fond of relating up by Pal- myry. "You see, boys, I came to the d d river, and found I had to swim. Had best clothes on, and didn't know what to do! 'What river?' Why, Salt river. Our Salt, here in Missouri, d d thing, always full when don't want it. Well, boys, you knows hoss Allen ! no back out in him, any how! Stripped to the skin, just tied clothes up in bundle, strapped it on to the critter's head, and 'cross we swum together. Well, don't you think, while I was gittin' up the bank, the d d thing got away, and started off with my clothes on his head ! and the more I run, and hollered, and 'whoa'd,' the more I couldn't catch the cussed varmint ! 'Way he'd go, and I arter hot as h 11, too, all the way, and yaller 164 BOSS ALLE9. 105 flies about and when I did get tol'ble near, he'd stop and look, cock his ears, and give a snuff, as if he never smelt a man afore, and then streak it off agin as if I had been an Ingin! Well, boys, all I had to do was to keep afollerin' on, and keep flies off; and I did, till we come to a slough, and, says I, now old feller, I got you, and I driv him in. Well, arter all, do you know, fellers, the d d critter wouldn't stick! he went in and in, and by'm-by came to a deep place, and swum right across a fact, true as thunder ! Well, you see, when I cum to the deep place, I swum, too ; and do you know that that d d beast just nat'rally waited till I got out, and looked at me all over, and I could act'ily see him laffin ! and I was nasty enough to make a hoss laugh, any how! Well, thinks I, old feller, recon you'v had fun enough with me now, so I gits some sticks and scrapes myself all over, and got tol'ble white agin, and then begins to coax the d d varmint. Well, I * whoa'd,' and ' old boy'd,' and cum up right civil to him, I tell ye, and he took it mighty condescendin', too ; and jist when I had him, sure cussed if he didn't go right back into the slough agin, swum the deep place, walked out, and stood on t'other side waitin' for me. " Well, by this time the d d yaller flies cum at me agin, and I jist nat'rally went in arter the blasted beast, and stood afore him, on t'other side, just as nasty as before did by thunder, boys ! Well, he Iqffed agin till he nearly shook the bundle off, and 'way he went, back agin, three miles to the river, and then he jist stopped dead and waited till I cum up to him, and jist 166 HOSS ALLEN. kind a axed me to cum and take hold of the bridle, and then guv a kick and a 'ruction and went in agin, laffin all the time ; and, right in the middle, d m me, if he didn't shake my clothes off, and 'way they went, down stream, while he swum ashore, and I, just nat'- rally, lay down on the bank, and cussed all creation. " Well, you see, boys, there I lays 'bove a hour, when I sees a feller pullin' up stream in a skift, a-tryin' on a coat ; and says I, stranger, see here, when you're done gittin' my coat on, I'll thank you for my shirt ! and the feller sees how it was, and pulls a-shore, and helps me. I tell you what boys, you may talk of hoss lafs, but when you want a good one, just think of Hoss Allen '" PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI, BY UNCLE JOHNNY. The following " Tooth-pulling Story" purports to have been related by " Uncle Johnny" to " Obe Oilstone," a well-known Mississippi cor respondent of the " Spirit of the Times." It was to " Uncle Johnny" that we were indebted for " That Big Dog Fight at Myers's .'" It will be seen that the present story is " told on" our amusing correspond ent himself. ELECTION day is a day away out here in the woods, and notwithstanding we have precincts . scattered throughout the counties, yet the county seat is the place at which most do congregate, for the triple purpose of voting, spreeing, and lastly, for the peculiar pleasure of witnessing the beginning ay, "the opening of the ball" of the " Fall Fighting Campaign," which inter esting event is usually postponed to that exciting period, when party excitement and individual misunderstand ing, leave a man very little hesitancy to " pitch" into his neighbour ; this comes not oftener than two years often enough, however, for " regular work." Having the common anxiety to see the first " regu lar despatch," I arrived early at Fayette, (our county seat,) on the 4th November last, when and where I had the good luck to see the campaign open ; the anxiety, among the numerous spectators, to continue the sport, was really commendable. Both claimed the victory, but the ring declared " a dead match ;" another heat 167 168 PULLING TEETH was promised by the defendant I immediately staked a hat on him " what got gouged." Whilst in the crowd, a well-known voice addressed me, " Hallo, boy ! come over here ! How are you ? I say, it's your treat, now, certain. Come in, men." " Certainly, Uncle Johnny," said I " pleasure al ways to treat you" " Me ? I'm if you don't treat the whole crowd ! Rosser, tell all them men to come in ! Hyena's breakin' chains and things ! Eh ! You thot I'd never see a paper, did you ? Well, well, I don't care a cuss about it myself, but the fact is, ' Old Iron's' in town now, and he says when he sees you thar'll be another Dog Fite ; so if you see him gittin' anyways high, wharfs your hoss? Well, well, jist keep out'n his way. Is you seen Wills sense them fellers was a pullin' his tooth?" " What fellows ?" was the immediate inquiry. " Oh, ho ! and so, my boy, you aint said nothin' about it, eh ' Well that is rich, fond of ritirt stories, but never tells 'em, eh ! Well, I'll" " Uncle Johnny, don't tell tales out of school, if you please. Recollect you should do unto others as" " I am done by, that's a fact, by gracious, so I'll jist out with it. " You see, 'twas the night arter the big dinner up here, and Wade got a crowd of youngsters to go home with him for some fun. Jist afore they gits to Wade's they overtakes me, and I took him up at his first offer to go by too he keeps good licker, Wade does. Well, arter supper I seen the boys was in for a frolic. I took two or three hands with 'em at cards, and after pun- "The doctor settin' straddle of his breast, in his shirt-tail, with a pair of bullet niok'K in his hands, tryin' to pull out one of his teeth.'' Page 171. iw MISSISSIPPI. 171 isnin' sum of the old stuff", I lays down. Well, I spose it wanted about two hours to day, when I was roused with the vvakenest noise I ever riz to. I can't hardly tell how they was all fixed in that room, but thar lay Wills flat on his back on the floor, a big nigger a holt of each hand, holdin' him spred out the doctor settin' straddle of his brest, in his shirt tail, with a pair of bullet moles in his hands, tryin' to pull out one of his teeth ! Then thar sat Henry B nes, from Clair- borne county, at his head, a holdin' the candle, and every now and then he would reach one hand over and hyst Wills's upper lip for the doctor to get the moles onto his tooth. Henry had a big pair of goat locks un der his chin, and in peepin' over at the opperation he'd git 'em right over the candle and they'd swinge. I seed him keep turnin' up his nose like he smelt somethin' a burnin', but he never dreamed it was his whiskers. Wills was a gruntin' powerful, and what between gruntin' and the hiccups, I thort he'd strangle. Major Bob was thar, too, and he had on a wonderful short shirt for a big fat man. He swore he could beat that doctor a pullin' teeth and he was hollerin for his 'insterments!' (a hammer and nail) to knock it out ! They got the nail, and as they could'nt find a hammer, in they fetch ed a pair of shoemaker's pinchers that's got a sort of hammer on one side. The doctor dropt the moles, for he found out that every time he'd jerk, they'd slip, so he sings out for the pinchers swore they were his favorite insterments always used 'em beat pullicans to h ! "Well, you never did see a drunken set so busy 172 PULLING TEETH about a serious job ! Every one was in ded ernest try in' to help Wills, and he was a takin' on wonderful, that's a fact ! The doctor set to work with the pinchers, and there sot Henry with the pleasinest countenance (and when he gits three sheets spred, and is tryin' to unfarl the fourth, he can jist out-laugh the univarse, or I'll borrow a hat to go home with !) there sot Henry reddy to hist Wills's upper lip when the doctor would staggei that way. Well, he got reddy Henry histed his lip, and arter two or three false jerks, he found the ham mer was on the wrong side of the pinchers for that tooth, so he turns in and asks Wills on which side the akin tooth was ? He said he did'nt know ! So he fastens 'em onto a sound tooth on tother side. But the Major had got impatient, so he riz pulled his shirt as low as he could git it, (and then it did'nt hide nothin') picks up the tongs, walks round, and puts one foot on Wills's brest before the doctor, and says he, ' Doctor, you've been sittin' cross that man for three hours ! You can't pull no tooth, nor never could ! Git up, man, git up ! I can jist take these tongs, and pull his tooth in half the time.' But he had'nt a chance to try, for Henry, who had been leanin' over to Wills's lip, puts his chin right over the candle, and afore he knowed it, his whiskers was in a big blaze ! He drops the candle with a ' hooze' right into Wills's face the nigger let go and jumpt Bob and the doctor fell in a lump, tongs and all. Wills riz to his all-fours and made for the gallery, with the stranglinest hiccups I ever heard ! I follered the man out I rally thort he was stranglin' to deth, but he had riz up by the gallery post, and was IN MISSISSIPPI. 173 a heavin' and settin' ! It beat all tooth pullins I ever seen. Says I, ' Curnel, what'fe you doin ?' says he, ' try in' to throw up (hie) that d tooth ! I think I inust'er swallered it? " Well, I looks around for this boy, and not seein' him, I inquires, but they had bin so busy they hadn't missed him. Think' s I, I'll take a turn around and see if I can't find him a holdin' up the fence, somewhar ! Well, soon as I got out of the noise in the house, I hear somebody hollerin' ; and there he was, sure enough, huggin' a red oak, three feet thru. * Well,' says I, ' What's you doin here ?' ' Uncle Johnny, come here for God sake come here,' says he, ' and put a rail up agin this tree ! I'm mighty tired,' says he, ' it's right easy now ; but when the wind blmcs, O Lord, but its mity heavy hurrah, here it comes,' says he, and he spread himself to it as he'd bin holdin' up the univarse ! Ha ! ha ! 'twas rich, to see him surgin' up agin that tree to hold it up, and beggin me to prop it up with a rail. I gits a rail, and leans it agin the tree. * Uncle Johnny,' says he, 'had'nt you better git another? It's a mity big tree and ruff at that.' * Let go,' says I, ' 'I wont fall these rails '11 hold it let go !' Soon as he let go, slam bang he went agin the pickets knock ed some off, and went clean thru ! ' G durn them pickets ! they bin tryin' to run over me all night,' says he, pickin' himself up mity awkward. I couldn't Hold in, he talked so natral. ' Why,' says I, ' you run over them? ' Oh, no,' says he, 'what with holdin' that tree up, and gittin' round on t'other side at the same , to git out in the pickets' way, is nily took nil the 174 PULLING TEETH IN MISSISSIPPI. flesh off 'n ray arms that's proof, aint it ?' Well, I could'nt begin to lead him to the house, so jist got be hind and pushed him. He's a little man, but you ort'er bin thar if you aint never seen a man walk tall; every time he stept, his legs went out to right angles. I say, ow's your arms got ?" " That'll do now, Uncle Johnny treat, won't you?" " Now you hit me. Come in men, what'll you pull your tooth with?" THE WAY "LIGE" SHADDOCK SCARED UP A JACK." The following sketch was suggested to the writer a capital Missis sippi correspondent of the "Spirit of the Times" by HOOPER'S story (previously given in this volume) of " How Simon Suggs raised Jack /" Now, it is barely possible that you never heard of Lige or Elijah Shaddock, commonly called " Judge." I say barely possible, for I think I have heard that you caused yourself to be towed up this river, and if you did, you heard of " Lige." He has been pilot on this river ever since it commenced running ! The oldest inhabitants only recollect him in flat-boat times that was before steamers ran but the Indians have a tra dition that a white man used to pilot drift logs to the Balize and turn them loose ; and I have heard it hinted that a man very much resembling Lige, was at the steering oar of Capt. Noah's craft, at the time of the big fresh I forget the year. What we call the Lower Mississippi from Vicksburg to New Orleans never changes its channel without consulting him; this fact is certain. I do not say that he invented cards, but rather think he was the man. If you will step on board the fastest New Orleans and Vicksburg packet the night she lays at Vicksburg, you may notice Elijah L 175 176 . "LIGE" SHADDOCK. making expenses somewhere about the social hall. It may be crack-loo, poker, brag, or set-back-euchre, but he is not losing any thing. I remember well the first time we met. It was on a fast Mississippi steamer, long time ago. It was a fair game, but he played it monstrous strong. Well, about " That Big Dog," I mean the gambler. He did not know Shaddock, and got in a little game of poker with him. He soon discovered that he was small potatoes, and after losing fifty or sixty dollars, he concluded that if by any trick he could recover his money, he would let Shaddock alone in future ; so he blocks the game of poker, and proposed to bet Shaddock fifty dol lars that he could turn a Jack at the first trial. Shad dock refused to bet, but immediately proposed a game of old sledge. In a short time the gambler had lost fifty dollars more, and began to show symptoms of dis tress. Says Shaddock, " I have been thinking of what you proposed a while ago ; d d if I dorft bet fifty you can't do it." The hundred was instantly on the table. The gambler took the whole pack and threw them on the table face up! "No you don't," says Shaddock. " Yes I do," says the gambler, " it was fairly done." Lige has a way of dropping one corner of his eye and mouth at the same time I don't know how he does it it's a way he's got but whenever you see it, there is something out. Well, just as the gambler claimed his throw for a fair one, this peculiarity might have been observed on Elijah's countenance. Stretching himself on tip-toe to see over the heads of the crowd collected "LIGE" SHADDOCK. 177 round the table, he observed, " If there is a Jack in THAT pack, Til be d d!" which proved to be the fact. This put the gambler's pipe entirely out, and he left in disgust. I always supposed, iry had me at the first brush, for I told you the brown horse was a mighty fast one for a little ways. But soon I lapped him. I had no whip, and he could use his string but he had his hands full. Side by side, away we went. Rattle-te-bang ! crack ! buz ! thump ! And I afraid of losing my customer on the road. But I was more afraid of losing the race. The reputation of the old mare was at a stake, and I swore she should have a fair chance. We went so fast that the posts and rails by the road-side looked like a log fence. The old church and the new one, and the colleges, spun past like Merry Andrews. The hackmen did not know what the was to pay, and, afraid of not being in at the death, they put the string onto their teams, and came clattering on behind as if Satan had kicked 'em on eend. Some of the mourners was sporting charac ters, and they craned out of the carriage windows and waved their handkerchiefs. The President of Harvard College himself, inspired by the scene, took off his square tile as I passed his house, and waving it three times round his head, cried, < Go it, Boots!' It is a fact. And I beat him, sir! I beat him, in three miles, a hundred rods. He gin it up, sir, in despair. "His horse was off his feed for a week, and when he took to corn again he wasn't worth a straw. It was acknowledged on all hands to be the fastest funeral on record, though I say it as shouldn't. I'm an under taker, sir, and I never yet was overtaken." On subsequent inquiry at Porter's, where the sporting sexton left me, I found that his story was strictly true FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 33 in all the main particulars. A terrible rumpus was kicked up about the race, but Crossbones swore lustily that the mare had run away that he had sawed away two inches of her lip in trying to hold her up, and that he could not have done otherwise, unless he had run her into a fence and spilled his l customer' into the ditch. If any one expects to die anywhere near the sexton's diggings, I can assure him that the jolly old boy is still alive and kicking, the very < Ace of Hearts' and ' Jack of Spades,' and that now both patent boxes and elliptic springs render his professional conveyance the easiest running thing on the road. FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. No. 1. MACBETH. IN these days of modern improvement, when economy properly embraces time as well as the expenditure of money, literature as well as manufacturing pursuits have their labour-saving processes. By new methods children are taught algebra and metaphysics, and we doubt not before long that infants will be weaned on Differential Calculus instead of sugar candy. Everything has been abridged. The History of the World is now compressed into one duodecimo, and all the arts and sciences are snugly lodged in one fat octavo. We propose to do our part by attempting the production of a ' Shakspere made Easy,' hoping to get the cream of the great dra- 34 STRAY SUBJECTS. matic bard into a few neat paragraphs.' Our conden sation will be found to be an adequate substitute for the long-winded lucubrations of the prosy and over-estimated poet. As a specimen of our plan and our ability, we will take up the character and tragedy of Macbeth. Macbeth is a Scotch gentleman, supposed to have flourished in some remote period of antiquity, before the Celts had learned their letters or the art of penmanship. Great nations always begin backwards. Their first pro ceeding is to achieve great deeds their last to record them. Some people have doubted whether Macbeth ever existed but we have had ocular evidence that he did exist. We have ourself seen him in the persons of Cooper, Forrest, Kean, Macready, Anderson, and last, not least, Mr. Smith Brown, to whom we are inclined to award the palm of histrionic superiority. The latter gentleman we saw perform the character in a hall at Lowell to a small but highly select and discriminating audience, consisting of four factory girls, three stout gentlemen connected with the Lowell and Boston line of coaches, and a very enterprising merchant in the roast peanut and molasses candy trade. Mr. Smith Brown's voice was rather more cracked and unmanage able than Macready's, and consequently better fitted to portray the wild and fluctuating fortunes of the < Thane of Cawdor.' In the final fight with Macduffhe revolved slowly on his heel, leaving his back completely exposed to his ferocious adversary. But as ' One good turn de serves another,' Macduff generously refused to take ad vantage of this pirouette, and Mr. Smith Brown was not killed until several seconds afterwards. In Macbeth, Shakspere seems to have designed a FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 35 display of the disadvantages of being henpecked ; for Mrs. Macbeth, though a Scotchwoman, is also a Tartar. She was the original Mrs. Caudle, and her curtain lec tures changed her husband from a quiet performer on the Scottish violin and an ardent lover of rappee, to an ambitious seeker after royalty. As there is a long step between his original position and that of the monarch of Scotland, he determines to succeed in his, or rather in his wife's object by imitating the Catholic Priests, and cutting off all the hairs (heirs) to the crown. Hence he receives Duncan into his castle with the cheerful politeness manifested by the spider to the fly : " ' Won't you walk into my parlour ?' Said the spider to the fly." Duncan goes to bed. Macbeth, in what we always supposed to be an access of delirium tremens, sees dou ble that is, he sees a dagger in the air and another in his own hand. He walks into his guest's room, the door of which the latter has forgotten to lock, without stumbling over his boots in the entry, and giving him his quietus, walks out again as if he had performed rather a meritorious action. When the deed is discovered, he lynches a couple of servants whom he charges with the crime. We forgot to mention that his success had been predicted to him by three old maiden ladies who met him and told his fortune on what Shakspere, with the reprehensible coarseness of his period, calls a < blasted heath,' Macbeth giving them a half a crown to insure him a whole one. By force of habit as well as principle, he next has his friend Banquo killed but the latter gentleman amuses himself by rising from the grave and 36 STRAY SUBJECTS. reappearing unto Macbeth at the supper-table, with all sorts of unpleasant faces, making himself as disagreeable as possible, until he disappears under the stage by means of a trap-door, to wash off the red ochre and bury his cares and countenance in a pot of porter. After coming a variety of naughty games, and rendering himself liable to numerous indictments, this < fine old Scottish gentle man' is driven into a corner by one Mr. Macduff, a very spunky and wrathy individual, who does not think the usurper a nice man, and declares the means by which he obtained the gilt paper coronet that is stuck on the top of his black wig, ' very tolerable and not to be en dured.' To be sure, Macduff is rather prejudiced against the other Mac from the fact that the latter has chosen to while away a tedious half hour by putting Mrs. Macduff and all the little Masters and Misses Macduff c out of their misery ;' consequently he flares up and fires away and bestows many opprobrious epithets upon Mr. Mac beth, calling him among other things a < hell-kite,' and using other expressions unbecoming a gentleman and scholar. The upshot of it is, that the tw r o Mr. Mc's have a pitched battle. Some commentators have supposed that previous to this fight Macbeth had become reduced in his circumstances and sought employment as an ostler, from the fact that he talks about c dying with harness on his back ;' but as we have discovered that harness and armour are synonymous, we have come to the conclusion that he might more properly be termed a mail-carrier. Macbeth had relied upon getting the best of it, because the three maiden ladies above referred to assured him that FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 37 " No man of woman born Could harm Macbeth." But MacdufT, being a self-made man, succeeds in flooring his ferocious adversary. What became of the body whether it was sold to the surgeons, or given to the friends of the deceased (if he had any we are in clined to infer that he had not, from Macduff's < hitting him'), neither history nor Shakspere states. In fact, it is of very little importance ; and the moral the drama teaches, is the danger of one's permitting his better half to wear those habiliments which are the distinguishing characteristics of the costume of the male sex. F. A. D. No. 2. OTHELLO. THIS individual was a coloured gentleman, who, at the period chosen by the dramatist to present him to his readers, wore a couple of epaulettes, and a broadsword much too long for him, in the service of the Venetian Republic. From the frequent allusions made to the intensity of his colour, we are led to infer that his pre tensions to Moorish origin were all humbug, and that he was actually a full blooded nigger'. In fact, a scrap of poetry, never before published, in Shakspere's ( { mean ing Bill's') own hand-writing, preserved in the Bodleian Library, says, evidently referring to Othello, " My nigger, him colour berry black ; He eat him belly-full, him drink him whack. Nobody dare play lark on him. 38 STRAY SUBJECTS. Him got courage, so I don't deceive ; And him so berry black, you hardly believe Charcoal make a white mark on him." This is direct evidence worth all the flimsy specula tions of all the commentators. Shakspere says nothing touching the origin and education of his hero. He was probably first attached in a subordinate capacity to the army of the Republic, being doubtless employed to wait upon table and black the officers' boots. Evincing, we are inclined to believe, evidences of pugnacity in various sets-to with his brother bootblacks, and probably making himself agreeable to his officers by jumping Jim Crow, playing on the bones, and imitating the < bull-gine,' he was at length honoured by being permitted to march in a ' forlorn hope,' and unquestion ably earned a commission by butting down a score of the enemy. Step by step he rises. He finally shuffles himself into the good graces of Miss Desdemona, the mild and pretty daughter of a fiery old gentleman in a white wig and yellow boots, named Brabantio. They elope, and run to the nearest magistrate, who unites them in the bonds of holy wedlock, and receives, instead of a shilling, a promise from Othello to ' owe it to him.' When this proceeding is made known to Brabantio by one Mr. lago, an unpleasant individual in corkscrew curls and disagreeable boots, (< his worship's ancient,' or < Old 'Un,') he grows very red in the face, indulges in numerous expletives, and talks of having Othello marched off between two constables, in accordance with the old common law adage : "He who takes what isn't his'n, When he's caught must go to prison." FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 39 But the Senators, who do not, like our Senators, wear hats and hunting-shirts in the Senate-Chamber, but, on the contrary, are dressed in very red baize gowns and very white tow wigs, are of different opinion from Mr. Brabantio ; or rather, requiring the services of the re markable nigger who commands their forces, because the Turks have been menacing their frontier, and kick ing up a confounded fuss generally, listen to Othello's defence, in fact a very lame one, and tell Mr. Brabantio to go about his business, a recommendation which, as he is a retired shop-keeper, and lives upon his interest, is adding insult to injury. To return to his 'Worship's Ancient.' This unpleasant individual gets hold, for purposes of his own, of one Michael Cassio, the orderly sergeant of Othello's own regiment, who commands the guard at Cyprus. This unfortunate young man is in duced to drink a large amount of liquor until his intellects become completely obfuscated, notwithstanding which, the Sergeant asserts that he is not drunk because he can tell his left hand from his right, and to prove it, immediate ly pitches into one Roderigo, ' a foolish gentleman in love with Desdemona.' This coming to the ears of General Othello, induces the latter to dismiss him ; a sentence spoken in the following words : " Cassio ! I lub thee But nebber more be ossifer of mine." To make a long story short, the unpleasant individual in the disagreeable boots succeeds in making Othello jealous of his wife, Mr. Ex-Sergeant Cassio being the alleged invader of the marital rights. The burden of the proof lies in Cassio's possession of a pocket-hand- 40 STRAY SUBJECTS. kerchief, a white cotton one with a strawberry border, which Othello, in a sudden fit of generosity, once gave his wife. lago steals this handkerchief, but makes the ex-bootblack believe that Desdemona has given it to Cassio. It is easily identified by more senses than one, because Desdemona is so much attached to it that she never sends it to the washerwoman, although it is in constant use. The intelligence of the Ancient's treach ery and the innocence of Desdemona comes just in time to be too late, for Othello, being very much put out himself, puts out the light with an extinguisher, and then extinguishes Desdemona with a pillow, notwithstanding his recent declaration, so finely given by Mr. Rice, the only correct representative of the character : " Excellent wench Perdition catch my sou), but I do lub thee ! And when I lub thee not, SJuiy-horse is come again !" However, we are perfectly willing to allow that no thing could possibly be more handsome or gentlemanly than Othello's full confession of regret, when it is too late to do any good the very prompt manner in which he puts his sword through his Ancient, as one would pin a fly against a wall, and the complete amends he makes to all parties concerned, by severing his own jugular with a rusty carving-knife, < to the satisfaction of his friends and the public generally.' The play is deeply and clearly moral. It enforces on the minds of young ladies and gentlemen the propriety of marrying people of their own colour it teaches statesmen the danger of putting coloured gentlemen into false positions, and teach- FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 41 cs temperance to all orderly sergeants and corporals, whether of < horse, foot, or heavy dragoons.' Bill really made quite a hit in this piece, and we hope he had a good benefit when it was played on his account at the Globe. F. A. D. No. 3. ROMEO AND JULIET. THIS play is evidently intended as a bitter satire on the very foolish and inconsiderate manner in which ladies and gentlemen of immature age fall in love with each other without the slightest provocation, to their own dis comfort and discredit, and the intense aggravation of their friends and relations. Mr. Romeo Montague is a very interesting young gentleman who has some preten sions to good looks, and accordingly sets himself up for an Adonis, cultivating a moustache, and spending all his pocket money in Cologne water and Macassar oil. He is principally occupied in doing nothing, sauntering about the streets in company with a pair of scapegraces of his acquaintance, named Mercutio and Ben Some thing Ben Folio, we believe. As he is engaged to be married to a very pretty and worthy girl, with a snug little property of her own, and a fair prospect of enjoy ing uninterrupted happiness, it is of course quite in the ordinary course of young gentlemen of his kidney to jilt his faithful love and tumble head over heels in love with one Miss Juliet Capulet, the daughter of a gentle man at deadly feud with Mr. Romeo's family in fact c 42 STRAY SUBJECTS. all the Montagues and Capulets are together by the ears, and even the scullions of the opposing houses are sure to pitch into each other when they meet at the butcher's shop or grocer's store it being very natural for kitchen scullions to have a broil. This Miss Juliet we take to be a very romantic, novel-reading sort of a miss, exces sively given to star-gazing, and profoundly ignorant of the mystery of making pies and d g stockings. She has an interview with young Romeo in her father's gar den he having scaled the wall like a scaly fellow for the double purpose of making love and stealing horse-ches- nuts. Unlike Ophelia, Miss Capulet has a harsh, creak ing voice, as she herself tells us : "Else would I tear the cave where Echo lies, And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine." Matters drive on very fast. After being privately united to Romeo, Juliet is betrothed to one Count Paris but to prevent her being indicted for bigamy, an old Friar gives her a drug to lull her to sleep, and she is buried in a trance, in the tomb of all the Capu lets. We forgot to mention such trivial affairs as one Tybalt's killing Mercutio, and one Romeo killing Tybalt, as these little incidents were quite common to the period, and altogether beneath one's notice. Romeo, thinking his mistress really dead, goes to an apothecary and spends his last half-dollar in purchasing a junk bottle of bed-bug poison, and an ounce of ratsbane, with which he repairs to the vault of the Capulets to have a good cry upon Juliet's tomb, and a comfortable lunch on his refreshments. By way of pastime, and just to have one more bit of fun before he makes away with himself, he FAMILIAR LECTURES ON SHAKSPERE. 43 has a fencing-bout with Mr. Paris, who very fortunately happens to be cooling his heels in the churchyard, and puts his smallsword through that gentleman's waistcoat in quite a cheerful and pleasant style, and much to his own satisfaction. He makes his way into the tomb, converses with himself after the approved fashion of all the young gentlemen in all of Shakspeare's plays, takes a good drink of the bed-bug, chews a little arsenic, and lies down to cool himself off. It would seem that the druggist dealt in nothing but first rate articles, according to the following statement in the play : " Here's to my love ! Oh, true apothecary ! [Drinks the poison.] Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die. [Dies.}'* Miss Capulet wakes up, and after rubbing her eyes, sees her lover stretched on the cold earth before her. Observing a junk bottle near him, her first suspicion is, that in desperation at her supposed death he has taken to drink, and stumbled into the vault in a state of inex cusable inebriety to sleep off the effects of his debauch, and wake with a headache the next morning. A label on the bottle in the handwriting of the apothecary (" Don't tech this 'ere it's pizen") undeceives her. She knows that her lover has committed a felo de se. She hopes to find a drop left, but Romeo, determined to get his money's worth, has drained the bottle dry. After searching in his pockets, she finds a double-bladed buck-handled knife, with which the poor young man was accustomed to pare apples and whittle walking- sticks, and after calling it very romantically a ' dat-ge r . ' 44 STRAY SUBJECTS. she puts it into her heart with a request that it will rust there, and permit her as a great favour to expire. " This is thy sheath ; there rust and let me die." Of course the dagger has no objections, and the young lady expires. As a wind-up to this disastrous affair, which of course found its way into the papers of Verona, and made the fortunes of the newsboys, the Montagues and the Capulets come together, shake hands over the remains of the young gentleman and lady, and go to bed with easy consciences and every prospect of continued happiness, Mr. Montague having made a most extravagant assertion with regard to his intentions : " I will raise her statue in pure gold ; That while Verona by that name is known. There shall no figure at that rate be set, As that of true and faithful Juliet.'* As travellers and the guide-books make no mention of this golden statue of Juliet, we have come to the conclusion that Mr. Montague was only selling his friends, or if the project was undertaken, it probably fell through for want of funds F. A. D. ONE WAY TO NULLIFY A BAD LEASE. THERE is a shrewd and wealthy old Yankee landlord away down in Maine, who is noted for driving his < sharp bargains' by which he has amassed a large amount of property. He is the owner of a great number of dwelling-houses, and it is said of him that he is not over-scrupulous in his rental charges, whenever he can find a customer whom he knows to be responsible. His object is always to lease his houses for a term of years, to the best tenants, and get the utmost farthing in the shape of rent. A diminutive Frenchman called on him, last winter, to hire a dwelling he owned in Portland, and which had long remained empty. References were given, and the Yankee landlord ascertaining that his applicant was a man < after his own heart' for a tenant, immediately commenced to ' jew' him. He found that the tenement appeared to suit the little Frenchman, and he placed an exorbitant price upon it ; but the lease was drawn and duly executed, and the tenant moved into his new quarters. Upon the kindling of fires in the house, it was found that the chimneys wouldn't < draw,' and the building was filled with smoke. The window sashes rattled in the wind at night, and the cold air rushed through a hundred crevices about the house, until now unnoticed. The snow melted upon the roof, and the attics were drenched from leaking. The rain pelted, and our 46 STRAY SUBJECTS. Frenchman found a < natural' bath-room upon the cellar floor but the lease was signed, and the landlord chuckled. " I hav ben vat you sal call < suck in,' vis zis dam maison" muttered our victim to himself, a week after ward but n'importe ve sal see, vot ve sal see !" Next morning he rose bright and early, and passing down town, he encountered the landlord. " A-ha ! Bon jour, monsieur" said he, in his happiest manner. " Good-day, sir. How do you like your house ?" " Ah ! Monsieur elegant, beautiful magnificent ! Eh bien, monsieur ; I hav but ze one regret " Ah! What is that?" Monsieur I sal live in zat house but tree little year." " How so ?" " I hav find, by vot you sal call ze leese, zat you hav' give me ze house for but tree year, an' I hav' ver' mooch sorrow r for zat." " But you can have it longer, if you wish " "Ah, monsieur I sal be ver' mooch glad if I can hav' zat house so long as I please eh, monsieur ?" " Oh, certainly certainly, sir." " Tres bien, monsieur! I sal valk rite to your offees . an' you sal give me vot you call ze lease for zat maison jes so long as I sal vant ze house. Eh, mon sieur?" " Certainly, sir. You shall stay there your life-time, if you like." " Ah, monsieur I hav' ver' mooch tanks for zis accommodation." The old leases were destroyed, and a new one was SEEING THE STEAMER OFF. 47 delivered in form to the French gentleman, giving him possession of the premises for " such period as the lessee may desire Hue, same, he paying the rent therefor , prompt ly," etc. etc. The next morning, our crafty landlord was passing the house just as the Frenchman's last load of furniture was being started from the door ; and an hour afterwards, a messenger called on him with a < legal tender' for the rent for eight days, accompanied with a note as fol lows : " MONSIEUR, I hav' bin shmoke I hav' bin drowned I hav' bin frees to death, in ze house vot I hav' hire ov you, < for ze period as I may desire.' I hav' stay -in ze dam house l jes so- long as Ipleese,' an' ze bearer of zis vil give you ze key! Bon jour, monsieur!" It is needless to add that our Yankee landlord has never since been known to give up < a bird in the hand, for one in the bush !' G. P. B. SEEING THE STEAMER OFF. A FEW weeks ago, on the near eve of the departure of one of the noble Cunard liners for Halifax and Liver pool, the state of the tide compelled her to anchor in the stream for a few hours before sailing, and, as usual, a steam ferry-boat was employed to carry off the baggage and passengers, and those friends who wished to see the 48 STRAY SUBJECTS. latter off. There was of course, a great shaking of hands on board, some kisses, tears, and "good-byes," a good many box-coats and Mackintoshes walking about on the upper deck, and a good many petticoats fluttering about the saloon. At length the bell of the little steamer along side rang a warning peal, and her skipper shouted " all aboard that's going ashore," an order which was prompt ly obeyed by a bevy of leave-takers, the lines were cast off, and all ready for coming ashore. Atthis juncture, an habitually pale young man, rendered paler by anxiety, and standing low down in a pair of very flat boots with sharp toes, exclaimed, as he clat tered riotously to the side of the ferry-boat, in the wildest tones of agony : " Mr. Badger ! oh ! Mr. Badger !" The wind was fair for Charlestown, and perhaps some marine on duty caught the exclamation. " Hallo !" yelled the young man, rendered frantic by the efforts of the ferry-man to put off from the steamship. " Hallo ! there's a man on board what hadn't ought to be there. Down in No. 39. Mr. Badger! Who'll tell him ? you sir ? you sir ? you sir ?" he hurriedly asked, appealing to several grim heads that were looking over the bulwarks of the steamship. " Jest some of ye," he screamed, " run down and tell Mr. Badger he can't stop. He aint a goin' to England he aint. He aint a goin' to Halifax even. Darn'd clear of it. He come off to see a friend off, and I'm a friend of his'n, and now he's a goin' off himself. Hard luck ! hard luck ! Mr. Badger!" "Mr. Badger must be a werry deef'un," said a mariner on liberty, looking very awkward and ferocious in < long-togs ;' " Mr. Badger must be a werry deef'un, SEEING THE STEAMER OFF. 49 not to a hard the bell, and come ashore. Such a lubber deserves to be keel-hauled, and then dumped ashore the other side of creation." At this moment appeared a gleam of hope in the head of a steamship officer, designated by the blue cap and gold band. " Hallo ! You sir," yelled the young man, " run right down and fetch up Mr. Badger." The head with the gold band was neither nodded nor shaken, and the ferry-boat swung clear of the steamship. "0! you darn'd old chowder-head!" shrieked the insensate young man, shaking his fist with impotent fury at the immoveable gold band, " you'll catch it one of these days. Carrin' off a 'Merrikin subjick! Where you git so much shiny hat band ?" Then, his unnatural excitement giving way to the most helpless despondency, he sat down on the green cushions in the cabin of the ferry-boat, buried his face in his hands, and as a few < natural tears' forced themselves between his fingers, thus soliloquized : " Hard luck ! hard luck ! I wonder how I'll break it to his wife and them children ! Little did they think this mornin' when he gin 'em a partin' lickin' and told 'em to be good boys till he got back agin, that they would'nt see him for a month. "By gracious!" he yelled, warming up again: 4< I can't believe it ! Goin' to England or least- ways to Halifax ! Tormented lightnin' ! why, he hain't got no money, nor no shirts /" At this moment came a comforter in the portly person of a friend of ours. " You needn't take it so to heart," said he ; " your friend is a fool, of course, or he wouldn't have stayed on 50 STRAY SUBJECTS. board, but we're going off back with the mails, an.il I'll fetch him ashore to you." The poor fellow's face grew so short, one would have thought it had been cut off; and w.ith a cheerful smile he answered that he " always know'd Badger was a jo- fired fool, but he didn't want him carried off in the steamer for all that." F. A. D. "ZATISMY TRUNK!" IN the days of coaching over the Providence turnpike, before railroad cars were in esse, and baggage-crates ex isted, and when travellers had to keep a sharp look-out for their luggage, some forty or fifty passengers had just stepped on board the old " Ben Franklin," and got under way on Narragansett Bay. A gentleman, who had occasion to get some of his wardrobe, had just hauled out from an immense pile of baggage stowed amidships, a new black leather trunk of portly dimensions, studded with brass nails, when a little withered Frenchman, of a mottled complexion, and fashionably dressed, darted from the crowd, and interposing between our friend and his property, exclaimed, courteously, but positively " I beg your pardon, sare mais, pardonnez moi you have got ze wrong cochon by ze oreille zat is my trunk!" "Not so, monsieur I hope I know my own traps." " Restez tranquille hold on dans un instant, I vill prove my props aha! you see dis key, eh?'' Apply ing it to the lock, he threw up the lid, and then struck AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. 01 a triumphant attitude. " My key unlock you trunk eh ? tell me zat !" " Stand out of the way ! it's my trunk, I tell you." " Hold on von leetle minute ! zose you shurrts, eh ?" " To be sure they are !" " Zose you drowaires, eh ? " Certainly !" " Vait a moment I will prove my props, sare" and the little Frenchman, rummaging beneath a pile of shirts and socks, produced a bottle, and said deliberately, witH a hideous grin " Zat your bot-telle of Dom-frees Ish (Itch) oint ment sare eh ? Ave you got von leetle Ish ? Zis you Remede for ze lepros (leprosy), eh ? Ah ! be dam ! I know it was my trunk !" It is needless to remark that our friend immeidately ' opened a wide gap' between himself and the interest ing victim of two of the most unpopular disorders known to suffering humanity F. A. D. AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. THERE are certain individuals in existence who are prone to buckle themselves to trouble, and who, by their own acts (instead of profiting by the ills they suffer), are eternally piling misery upon their own backs. The Devil loves to frolic with them and, clutching them in the cradle, he clings to them to the grave ! It was a bright day in the summer of 184-, when a 62 STRAY SUBJECTS. score or more of merry-hearted fellows deserted the smoke-dried atmosphere of the city, bound on an excur sion some dozen miles distant, for the purpose of enjoy ing a " sit down," a comfortable dinner, and a glass of claret afterward. Arriving at their destination in safety, the fixin's were ordered, and in due season dinner was announced, and the company were seated. The first course had scarcely disappeared, when, on a sudden, the door of the dining parlour was rudely thrust open, and a tall, brawny, iron-framed Virginian entered the room, without the compliment of " by your leave." As he passed the door-sill, his stalwart frame nearly filled the passage, and his whole appearance plainly indicated that he was strongly excited. In his right hand he carried a sort of heavy horse-whip, the lash of which was coiled tautly around the stock. As soon as he had fairly en tered the room, he was informed that the apartment was private, and a hint was tendered him, that he had probably mistaken the entrance. " Not in the least," said he, roughly ; " I came here on business." " Business here ?" " Here, sir ! Which of you answers to the name of Pleadwell, of B e?" " It sounds very like mine," instantly replied Mr. P., who arose in the coolest possible manner, and who, by the way, measured scarcely five feet four, in his boots. " Ah yes," continued the Virginian, " I recoiled you" "Well, sir." " You sued me, three weeks since" "Indeed?" AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. 63 at the instigation of Beatem." " Couldn't say, sir, really but" " But I say you did, sir !" " Ay, very likely. And you are not the first man I have had the honour of serving in a similar manner." " I thought so," continued the bully. " You gained the cause, and I suffered for it. I paid my respects at the door of your empty office this morning I learned you were here, and I have followed you for the express purpose of giving you a thrashing for the extra pains you took to turn the cise against me !" " 'Pon my life, sir, your mission is a novel one, at any rate; but I would respectfully solicit the favour of being left at leisure, with my friends here, for the time being, and as soon as dinner is over, I shall not object to giving you the opportunity to void your bile." " I am not here to parley, sir. I am bent on thrash ing you, and thrash you I will, before I leave this place, by G !" Several of the party now arose and insisted on the intruder's immediate absence. He swore, however, that he would have satisfaction on the spot, and it was not until the company rose en masse, that he consented to leave the apartment. As soon as the door closed on him, Pleadwell ex plained in detail the case to which he presumed the stranger alluded, concluding with the remark that " he feared he had a bad fellow to deal with." He was satisfied, nevertheless, that his friends would not stand by and see him taken at a disadvantage. While the wine was circulating the Virginian repaired to the stable, adjusted his whip, and returning, took a 54 STRAY SUBJECTS. convenient station near the outer door of the hotel, where he expected Pleadwell might pass swearing, meantime, that " he would give the lawyer such a lesson as he would remember." This untoward visit was the occasion of putting a damper upon the hilarity of the little party at dinner, and but a brief sitting was indulged in, after the removal of the cloth. The landlord entered the dining-room and informed the visiters of the menacing prospect, outside and the attorney having stepped to the window, ob served the belligerent in front of the door-way brandish ing his massive whip, and muttering in the most ardent and fantastic manner imaginable, to himself. The friends of Pleadwell entertained no fears for him, singlehanded, with an ordinary opponent (for he was well skilled in the pugilistic art), but from the enormous size of the stranger, and his athletic appearance gene rally, it was fair to suppose that he might crush his little antagonist with a single pass. Pleadwell was therefore advised to go out at a side-door, and avoid him, but he positively declined to show the white feather. Finding remonstrance of no avail, the company passed out in a body, with the determination of preventing a meeting, if possible, but, at all events, to stand by their friend in case of need. The stranger saw the door opened, and he looked anxiously for the attorney (who was by no means unmindful of his gestures). Instead of passing out as the Virginian evidently expected he would do, Pleadwell crossed the hall, followed closely by his friends, and as he arrived at the outer door, the stranger having passed around the house, turned in sight at the corner. Pleadwell stepped upon the walk the AN AFTER-CLAP TO A LAW-SUIT. 55 Virginian saw him, sprang forward to the spot, and levelled a blow at him with his whip which must have brought the attorney to the earth, had it reached him. But the lawyer was on his guard- he sprang out of harm's way, and stood firmly before his foe at arm's length distance. " Hold, sir !" said Pleadwell, hurriedly, " the safety of your person rests with yourself ! Attempt to raise that whip again, and you must answer for the conse quences." The Virginian heeded not the warning his arm was raised the whip whistled in the air and the next instant the assailant dashed heavily upon the walk ! A shudder passed over that strong frame, and he was taken up senseless, and carried into the hotel. Pleadwell struck him a terrible blow directly on ' the stomach's pit,' which drove the breath completely out of his body. He appeared as nearly dead as possible a physician was called in, and the injured man was instantly blood ed. He showed signs of life, however, in a few moments, and half an bour afterwards it was ascertained that he was but temporarily injured. The brief remark which escaped him was a faint desire to be ' carried home !' His destination was made out, and he was forthwith removed from the hotel. The blow was given in self-defence, and though Pleadwell was a good deal disturbed as regarded future consequences, yet a month elapsed, and nothing further transpiring in relation to the matter, the rencontre was forgotten by himself and his companions. G. P.B. PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTER. A RAW-LOOKING beauty standing some six feet or more, in his boots fresh from the interior, arrived in town [Philadelphia] a day or two since, with a view to examine the ' lions' in the city of Friends. He had walked leisurely round Girard College his 'wondering gaze' had been gratified with a peep at the Branch Mint, where a common-looking chap ' made money' a darned sight faster than ever he could ; he had seen the old United States Bank, but, for the life of him, couldn't find the place where it had busted ! he had sauntered through Fairmount, where some 'cute feller was squirting water round, most beautiful he had marched around the outskirts of the Penitentiary, but they weren't sharp enough to get him in there oh, no ! he had trotted through the Museum, which he didn't consider any very 'great shakes' and, just be fore leaving in the eight o'clock train, for home, he strolled down to the Market-house, to ascertain, if possi ble, where all the vegetables and things went to. Having examined the premises for some time, he suddenly halted before a wagon which stood near by, the floor of which was covered with about a score of live lobsters, wriggling and tumbling over each other. He was unfortunately afflicted with a habit of stammer ing. After watching the 'sight' for several minutes, he sidled up to the owner, at last, with f< Wo-wo-wot's them, mister ?" PURCHASING A LIVE LOBSTER. 57 " Lobsters, sir." " Yes, sir. Werry fine." " W-wul I've heern te-tell o'lobstiss." " Hexcellent heatin', sir is lobsters. Hev J un, sir ?" " W-wu-wul, I reck'n y-y-yes. Wo-wot's the dam- age?" " Three levies, sir." " How d-d how do you eat lo-lob-'obstiss ?" " Vith yer teeth, pooty gin'ral, sir." " Y'ye-yes. But coo-coo-'ooA: 'em, I mean." "Oh. Bile 'em, sir bile 'em. Thank'ee: jest the change" added the wagoner; and, depositing the ' tin' in his ' shot-bag,' he placed the ' lobstiss' in the hands of its lawful owner. The stranger bade the seller good day, placed his prize under his arm, tail downwards and started for the Rail Road Depot in Market Street. The lobster was { fresh caught' (it so chanced) and proved very unruly squirming and writhing about ; our countryman was constantly adjusting his burthen, until he had finally managed to raise its claws on a line with the side of his own head. Suddenly one of the critter's flippers extended, and closed again with a smart smack grasping in its clutch, the greater portion of the poor fellow's right ear ! An indescribable twist pervaded the countryman's phiz his teeth became set in an instant and lowering his head, he started into a rapid walk with " 'od rot him! Oh th-under! Le-le-let go! B-b-bla-blast yur pictur ! don't ough ! Mur-m-mur- der murder ! /" 58 STRAY SUBJECTS. A bevy of youngsters had discovered the poor devil's predicament, as he rushed along the walk, and he soon quickened his pace into a sharp trot, making good head way towards the Depot, the lobster dangling from the side of his head like a huge old-fashioned ear-drop ! As the crowd gathered on his track, he increased his speed to a " dead run" still bawling, at the top of his lungs " Oh Lord ! ta-ta-'ake him off! M-m-mur-dar / Cu-cu-cuss him ! Take him dow-d-'own !" " Go it, Boots !" shouted the crowd. "Pu-pu-'ull the c-c-cussid varmint off ! Ta-'ake him back ! I d-d-don't wa-'ant no lo-lo-'obstiss " and stopping suddenly, before a benevolent-looking Quaker gentleman, upon the walk, he begged him to take the infernal viper away ! The countryman's ear resembled a purple-ripe plum, when the kind-hearted gentlemen seized the claw and relieved him of his load. As the circulation of blood resumed the unhappy victim bestowed on his benefac tor a kind of smile (unable to articulate a syllable) such a smile as one might suppose would result from screwing an inch auger through the spine of a man's back. Our unfortunate friend was grateful, but he couldn't speak. It was now the turn of the Quaker gentleman to smile because he couldn't help it the object before him appeared so perfectly ludicrous. But his was a bland smile of sympathy, such a one as only a Quaker can bestow. But our benevolent friend in the broad brim, was careless he was! In his efforts to aid the unlucky countryman, he had secured the lobster by the claw, and he still held him dangling at his side. ' Take him away," shrieked the Quaker, nearly fainting with pain." Pagt 50. A PAIR OF PARODIES. ALICE GRAY. SHE isn't what I painted her A thing all hearts to win I saw no beauty when I found She hadn't got the < tin.' I loved her upwards of a week But found it wouldn't pay ; So I ' took my hat and went ashore* And cut Miss Alice Gray. Her dark brown hair was all a sham Her forehead ' Jones's white,' One eye an artificial one, The other far from bright. Oh ! she may twine her purchased curls- She mustn't look this way My heart is far from breaking For the love of Alice Gray. I've sunk a very pretty sum In rides and sweetmeats past ; And haven't now the first red cent- She drained me of the last. HE WORE A FLASHY WAISTCOAT. 61 How green I was, in earnest grave, I certainly must say ; I shall be cut by all the B'hoys* For courting Alice Gray. HE WORE A FLASHY WAISTCOAT. HE wore a flashy waistcoat, on the night when first we met, With a famous pair of whiskers and imperial of jet ; His air had all the haughtiness, his voice the manly tone Of a gentleman with eighty thousand dollars of his own. I saw him but a moment, yet methinks I see him now, With a very flashy waistcoat and a beaver on his brow. And once again I saw that brow no neat Legay' was there, But a < shocking bad 'un' was his hat, and matted was his hair. He wore a < brick' within that hat the change was all complete And he was flanked by constables who marched him up the street. I saw him but a moment, yet methinks I see him now, Charged bv those worthy officers with kicking up a row. F. A. D. HE WANTED TO SEE THE ANIMAL. THE publishers of a well known periodical in town, have placed in front of their office, in Tremont street, a very extensive sign board, upon which is emblazoned the words * LITTELL'S LIVING AGE/ A green horn, fresh caught who came to the city to look at the < glorious Fourth' chanced to be pass ing towards the Common, when his attention was ar rested by the above cabalistic syllables. Upon one side of Bromfield street he saw the big sign, upon the other the word ' MUSEUM.' " Wai," said he to himself, " I 've hearn tell o' them museums, but a ' livin' age,' big or little, must be one o' them curiosities we read abaout." He stepped quietly across the street, and wiping his face, approached one of the windows, in which were displayed several loose copies of the work. He read upon the covers, 'Littell's Living Age,' and upon a card, ' Popular Magazine only one of its kind in the country,' &c. " Magazine ! Wai, that beats thunder all teu smash ! I 've hearn abaout paouder magazines, an' all that ; wal, I reck'n I'll see the crittur, enny how !" and thus determined, he cautiously approached the door. A young man stood in the entrance. HE WANTED TO SEE THE ANIMAL. 63 " When does it open ?" asked the countryman. "What, sir?" " Wot time does it begin ?" "What?" " The show !" " Wy, that are this" continued our innocent friend, pointing up to the sign. The young man evidently supposed the stranger in sane and turning on his heel, walked into the office. " Wai, I dun no 'baout that feller, much but I reck- 'n I hevn't cum a hunderd miles to be fooled I ain't, and I'm goin' teu see the crittur, sure." "Hello! I say, Mr. Wat's-name, there doorkeep er! HeWo/ A clerk stepped to the door at once, and inquired the man's business. " Wot do I want ? Wy, I want to see the animal, that's all." "What animal?" " Wy, this crittur - ." " I don't understand you, sir." " Wai you don't luk as ef you could understan' no- buddy, enny how. Jes send the doorkeeper yere." By this time a crowd had collected in and about the doorway, and the green 'un let off something like the following : " That chap as went in fust, thar, ain't nobuddy, ef he has got a swaller-tailed coat on. My money's as good as his'n, and it's a free country to-day. This young man ain't to be fooled easy, now I tell you. I cum down to see the Fourth, and I've seen him. This mor- O4 STRAY SUBJECTS. nin j I see the elephant, and naow I'm bound to see this crittur. Hel-/o there, mister !" As no one replied to him, however, he ventured again into the office, with the crowd at his heels, and address ing one of the attendants, he inquired " Wot's the price, nabur ?" " The price of what, sir ?" "Of the show!" " There is no show here, " " JVb show ! What'n thunder der yer leave the sign out for, then ?" "What would you like to see, sir?" said another gentleman. " Why, I want to see the animal." "The animal?" " Yes the crittur." " I really do not understand, sir." "Why yes yer dew. I mean the wot's- name, out there" pointing to the door. "Where?" " Hevn't yer gut a sign over the door, of a " little LIVIN' sum thin', hereabouts ?" " LITTELL'S LIVING AGE ?" " That's the crittur them's um trot him aout, na bur, and yere's yure putty." Having discovered that he was right (as he suppo sed), he hopped about, and got near the door again. Pending the conversation, some rascally wag in the crowd, had contrived to attach half a dozen lighted fire crackers to the skirt of our green friend's coat ; and as he stood in the attitude of passing to the supposed door keeper a quarter crack ! bang ! went the fire- works, CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS. 65 and at the same instant a loafer sang out at the top of his lungs look out ! the crittur's loose /" Perhaps the countryman didn't leave a wide wake be hind him in that crowd, and maybe he didn't astonish the multitude along Colonnade Row, as he dashed towards the foot of the Common, with his smoking coat-tails streaming in the wind ! Our victim struck a bee-line for the Providence De pot, reaching it just as the cars were ready to go out. The crowd arrived as the train got under way, and the last we saw of the ' unfortunate/ he was seated at a window whistling most vociferously to the engine, to hurry it on ! G. P. B. CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS. I HAVE always had a great respect for the common crow, Corvus Jlmericanus I believe the ornithologists call him. There is something remarkable and imposing in his attire. " The carrion crow has a coat of black, Silky and sleek, like a priest's, to his back." Then he commands respect by his superior intelligence. No one knows better than he where and how grub may be obtained, in defiance of spring-guns, fire-arms, and scarecrows. How many a solemn haw ! haw ! must he have indulged in on surveying the libellous imitations of humanity erected by rustics upon planted fields in the 66 STRAY SUBJECTS. idle hope of terrifying him by so poor a semblance of danger. These shabby proofs of man's fatuity must afford him an additional relish to his stolen morsel, as he roots up the delicious kernels with his active and avid bill. How often has the solemn rascal mocked at me hi my younger days as I have trailed him, mile upon mile, on foot, through the fog and slosh of a January thaw, in the vain hope of catching him napping for my respect never prevented my vain demonstra tions of hostility. In a group of friends the other day, ' talking of guns' brought up the subject of crows and one or two gentlemen recounted the details of successful campaigns waged against them. The boys up hi New Hampshire used to ascertain the bearings of a crow's nest, and then plant a loaded musket sighted and aimed properly at the devoted citadel. Returning in the night, when the old bird was asleep on the nest, they would pull trigger, and annihilate the enemy. One of the speakers recounted an achievement of his own. At a time when there was a large bounty on crows, he determined to destroy two old birds and their young ones by a bold coup de main. Their nest was in the summit of an old pine tree, but the position was com manded by an over-topping hemlock; the latter he ascended, and daringly sliding down a dependant branch, was enabled (mirdbile dictu /) to seize the she-bird on her nest. This time, for once, a crow was caught asleep in the day-time. Breaking both her wings, he threw her to the ground, and her hapless offspring, five in number, followed after. He then descended, and shot the old he as he was flying round, moaning piteously in his paternal agony. No Roman victor moving though the via sacra with seven kings at his chariot wheels, CONCERNING CROWS AND CAPE ANN JOKERS. 67 felt more elation of heart than the youthful victor, as he carried home his trophies and touched the tin accorded by way of laurels by the state. I have told you that Cape Ann furnished a number of queer jokers. One of these met an apothecary, who was his especial butt at one of the ' town meetings' in Gloucester, and thus hailed him in the hearing of a large crowd of attentive auditors : " Doctor ! that 'ere ratsbane of your'n is first-rate." " Know'd it ! know'd it," said the pleased apothecary. " Don't keep nothing but fust-rate doctor's stuff." " And, doctor," continued the joker, coolly, " I want to buy another pound of ye." " Another pound ?" " Yes sir I gin that pound I bought the other day to a pesky mouse and it made him dreadful sick and I am pretty sure another pound would kill him." A roar of laughter, at the apothecary's expense, hailed this grateful tribute to the excellence of his doc tor's stuff. There was a queer old file, as tart as he was ignorant, who was one day starting off to a dedication on horse back, with his old-maid sister on the pillion behind him. " Hello ! Uncle Seth ! where you goin' ?" said a neighbour, hailing the equestrian. "Goin' to resurrection!" " Dedication, you mean." " Damnation ! if you like that better ! Hang on, Sal ! G'lang, ye jade !" and the old mare galloped off. There was a certain lawyer on the Cape a long time ago, the only one in those ' diggin's' then, and, for aught I know, at present. He was a man well to do in the 68 STRAY SUBJECTS. world, and, what was somewhat surprising in a limh of the law, averse to encouraging litigation. One day a client came to him in a violent rage. " Look a here, squire," said he, " that 'ere blasted shoemaker down to Pigeon Cove has gone and sued me for the money for a pair of boots I owed him." " Did the boots suit you ?" " Oh ! yes I've got 'em on fust-rate boots." "Fair price?'' " Oh ! yes." " Then you owe him the money honestly ?" " 'Course." " Well, why don't you pay him ?" " Why, 'cause the blasted snob went and sued me, and I want to keep him out of the money if I kin." " It will cost you something." " I don't keer a cuss for that. How much money do you want to begin with ?" " Oh, ten dollars will do." " Is that all? Well, here's a X, so go ahead," and the client went off very well satisfied with the beginning. Our lawyer next called on the shoemaker, and asked him what he meant by commencing legal proceedings against M * " Why," said he, " I kept on sendin' and sendin' to him for money till I got tired. I know'd he was able to pay and I was 'termined to make him. That's the long and short of it." " Well," said the lawyer " he's always been a good customer to you, and I think you acted too hastily. There's a trifle to pay on account of your proceeding but I think you'd better take this five dollars, and call it all square." THE 'LEVEN STRIKE. 69 " Certin squire if you say so and darned glad to get it," was the answer. So the lawyer forked over one V and kept the other. In a few days his client came along and asked him how he got on with his case. ' " Rapidly," cried the lawyer " we've non-suited him ! he'll never trouble you." " Jerusalem ! that's great !" cried the client " I'd rather a gin fifty dollars than have had him got the money for them boots !" F. A. D. 9 THE GHOST OF THE TEN-PIN ALLEY: A LEGEND OF PARK BALL, BOSTON. 'TwAS late, and midnight darkness Hung the heavens as with a pall, When the OLD 'UN came to handle Lignum Vita in Park Hall. And with him a companion To roll against him came, Superior to the Ancient In the science of the game. 70 STRAY SUBJECTS. Dim were the bar-room lustres, Dark shelves dark bottles bore, Fantastic were the shadows Projected on the floor. Ah me ! a weary e critter' Was the sad barkeeper then, Just thinking was he of his bed, When entered those two men. Then out and spake the OLD 'UN " Rouse up and get the key That in the Diorama Hall, Unlocks the west M-ley" " Our boy is sick has cut his stick Absquatulating elf ! And if ye roll to-night, ye'll have To set 'em up yourself." " Small work, I trow," the OLD 'UN said, " For one who loves the game ;" And he who stood beside him there Smiled and endorsed the same. The pins are set the fingers wet The OLD 'UN takes his stand ; Why stands he hesitating there, The ball within his hand ? Say comes there aught' of evil Their pleasure to alloy ? All suddenly before the pins Loomed up the ten-pin boy. THE 'LEVEN STRIKE. 71 A wan and dreary wight was he An outline of a boy With a meagre faded jacket, And pants of corduroy. " Say, boy ! why come you here so late, Or why came here at all ? For the old Bay State clear the track, Or look out for the ball." He never moved, that urchin Scarce like a thing alive, He heeded not the OLD 'UN'S shout " Be warned, for I'll let drive !" Right through his faded legs, the ball Went winding on its way Right towards the OLD 'UN and his friend Glided that figure gray. " List, gents, to me," the boy said he ; " I foller not the trade I did afore they made my bed With mattock and with spade, And I was took to my last home, And in the dead wood laid. " I am a orphin, for my dad A nd mam died long ago, And I came here to set up pins" The OLD 'UN said, " Just so." 72 STRAY SUBJECTS. " The folks was very kind to me Life rolled on like a ball ; And it seemed a kind of Paradise, This Diorama Hall. " One night there came a stranger A horrid man was he And he gave his name as Mister Blood From the state of Tennessee. " He bolted brandy by the pint ; And his breath it was so strong It broke the tumbler when he drank, And his voice was like a gong. " He was a bully roller Spares, ten-strikes,fast as rain Came from his hand * Boy ! set 'em up !' And down they went again. " A horrid scowl was on his face His teeth he grimly set He grasped his ball, and roared, ' By G ! I can do better yet ! J " What fearful meaning in that yell I never heard the like But the clock it struck eleven, Jlnd he got a 'leven strike. " Down went the pins up flew the ball And hit me on the head, And quicker than greased lightnin', My covies, I was dead. THE 'LEVEN STRIKE. 73 " He gloried in the homicide ; He broke into a roar, And shouted that he'd done the same Eleven times before. " * Ho ! landlord ! there's a flimsy Come, don't be cross or coy Ten dollars for your alley And ninety for your boy ! J " But guilty conscience haunted him, He roamed o'er land and sea ; Sometimes he was in Florida, Sometimes in Tennessee. " And never from that moment Knew he an hour of joy Till he was gouged and bit to death In a fight in Illinois. " To warn the bowlers here each night With spectral strength I've striven Be satisfied with a ten-strike, Nor seek to get eleven." He ceased, then glided backward, That little phantom boy, With his wan sepulchral jacket And tights of corduroy. The twinkle of his buttons Was lost in wreaths of mist That drifted through the casement By the ghostly moonbeams kissed. 74 STRAY SUBJECTS. The OLD 'UN told the story, But few believed the tale Few hearts throbbed faster for it, Few lovely cheeks grew pale. But hie you to the alley Ask the ten-pin boys there met They'll tell you there the ghost was seen, There you'll find spirits yet. A. D. F. THE "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." M. BOCHSA, the Harpist, is a wag. At the concert on Thursday night, at the Temple, Mons. B. appeared before the audience for the second time during the even ing's performance, for the purpose of playing any airs the audience might select, with impromptu embellish ments and variations. M. Bochsa is a master of his instrument, and the harp in his hands is susceptible of almost anything, in reason but it might seem a question of taste, whether martial hymns are exactly the thing to display the beauties of a harp. However, we are a 'democratic' people, and Mons. B., albeit he is a wag, understands the principle . " You will plees send me ze tune vot I sal play" proposed Monsieur to his audience, as he came upon the platform. Half a dozen strips of paper immediately found their way to the stand, and Monsieur B. read them aloud, THE "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER." 75 " < O Dolce Concento,' ' Yankee Doodil' (I know him, vera veil. I play him one, two, tree several time !) ' Groves O'Blarney,' ' Yankee Doo' (I have two Yankee Doodils,) ' Non piu mesta,' Tres bien!" " The Star-Spangled Banner !" shouted somebody in the crowd. " Vot you sai ?" inquired Bochsa. " Star-Spangled Banner /" Monsieur didn't understand. He was a little hard of hearing. He stepped quietly down from the ros trum, and approached one of the aisles. " Ze zhentilman vil plees to step to ze front" but the stranger declined. " If ze zhentilman cannot come to me, I mus' come to him," continued Monsieur. The audience took ' the cue' and a roar followed this announcement, pending which the stranger made his appearance. A round of applause greeted him as he passed to the foot of the passage-way, where stood Monsieur in an attitude most provokingly grave, wait ing for further explanation. " Vot you sai, sair ?" " The Star-Spangled Banner, I want." " Scar-tangle bannair ? aha, N*comprende, mon sieur." " Not Scar-Strangled, sir Star-Spangled Banner." " Ze Bannair Oui I un'erstan' Ze flag /" " Yes, yes the Flag of the United States." " Yes, sair \ I remember him, ver' mooch. Zat is, I do not recollec' him, zac'ly. Monsieur, you know him?" 76 STRAY SUBJECTS. " Why, yes, to be sure everybody knows the ' Star- Spangled Banner.' ' " Tres bien, monsieur ! Every Yankee zhentilman vissle. You sal vissle him in my ear /" Another shout went up from the audience, but the gentleman, nothing abashed, placed his mouth at the side of Bochsa's head, and commenced whistling the ' Star-Spangled Banner' most philosophically, amid the convulsions of the audience, who could not find this scene upon the bills of the evening ! "TRES BIEN Monsieur!" shouted Bochsa "ele gant superb ! Monsieur, you von ver' fine musician I sal play ze Scar-Tangled Bannair, vis mooch plaisur !" and mounting the platform, he commenced with a grand introduction to the several themas proposed, which was followed by some highly finished and ex quisitely performed variations upon the melodies sent up, not forgetting the two ' Yankee Doodils' always so certain a favourite. On a sudden a crash of harmony leaped from the harp-strings, which took the audience by surprise ! An instant's rest followed when our own beautiful nation al air, the ' Star-Spangled Banner,' was produced with a most brilliant accompaniment, which ' brought down the house.' Bochsa was satisfied his friend was satisfied the audience were satisfied and the splendid Harpist left the stage (with a quiet smirk at the corner of his mouth) amid a perfect storm of applause ! G. P. B. A STEER RIDE. MOVING down Washington street the other day with a friend, the sight of the flying sleighs reminded him of a juvenile adventure of his own when he was a younker long time ago, and Gilmanton, N. H., was blessed with his presence. Happening to call on a crony of his, a farmer's son, one afternoon, the gentleman who, the hymn-book tells us, "Finds some mischief still, For idle hands to do," suggested to them the idea of having a ride in the ( go- to-meetin' ' sleigh, with an unbroken steer of the farm er's for a team. Our friend with some difficulty persuaded his acquaintance to enter into the scheme, but when his scruples were once overcome, he * went it with a vindictive rush.' The boys secretly got out the sleigh and ' toted' it through the snow for a distance of two miles, where they left it. The snow was deep over the fence-rails in some places, and the preliminary achievement cost them no little labour. This done, they went back for the animal. The * critter' was found quietly consuming clover in an out-house, and not in the happiest humour at being disturbed. In fact he was 'mighty handy with his horns,' as an Irishman would say, and had a most ' fatal facility' for butting. However, his tormentors took him, one on each side, 78 STRAY SUBJECTS. grasped him by the horns, and persuaded him along by means of an ox-goad. Now and then he would make a stand and struggle fiercely. But they hung on to him, Mike Mortality to a deceased African,' as my friend expressed it, determined not to give out. It took them two hours to get the steer up to the sleigh. There another battle royal ensued when it came to putting him in the fills. Talk about taming Bucephalus ! Pooh ! that was nothing to harnessing an angry steer to a single sleigh. He did not take it kindly at all but he had to take it. The youthful muscle and youthful ingenuity of a pair of human torments overcame the brute rage and blind strength of the animal. At last they noosed him and indulged in an Indian yell of triumph ! Off went the liberated brute, howling with rage. Talk of a locomotive at full speed, pshaw ! That is a tortoise to a mad steer. The ' critter' took a bee line for home. The snow flew like the spray from Niagara. The boys were pelted with ice-balls from his flying hoofs. The icicles showered from the limbs of the apple trees, as they dashed through an orchard. Two pannels of fence-rails went into ' tarnal smash' as they took the outside of the track in a narrow cart-path. One side of the sleigh was left in a dung-heap. Nothing but the dasher held on as they went through the last pair of bars, and the steer dashed his head against the barn-door, and rolled over, dead beat, in a snow heap. Our friend jumped off the runners and made tracks for his home, just as the farmer, rushing out of the house, whip in hand, cornered his precocious boy as he was rising from the wreck, and gave him, as the sufferer THE WOLVERINE AND THE LEAD MINE. 79 averred next day, the ' onremittenist lickin' that was ever larruped onto him since he was a human bein'." Our friend has often been a sleighing since, with splendid teams and pretty girls, and glorious music and moonlight nights, but he declares upon his honour, that not all of these can equal half the excitement of a sleigh- ride across the country with a mad steer in the fills. F. A. D. HOW THE WOLVERINE DISCOVERED THE LEAD MINE.-A FACT. I WAS a ' young* man ten years ago and (like some other young men I wot of, who did the same thing, and returned lighter than they went !) I drifted out West. My locale for the tune being was in the easterly part of Michigan, but I once ventured westward as far as Wisconsin. There is a swarm of ' suckers,' ' hoosiers,' ' buckeyes,' ' corn-crackers,' and * wolverines,' eternally on the qui vive, hi those parts a migratory race of bipeds who float about from spot to spot, ' squatting,' for the nonce, wherever their fancy or interest may incline them ; and a rougher set of men will rarely be met with, saving the genuine ' voyageurs,' or ' trappers' so notorious for their hardihood. A * green' looking individual turned up suddenly one morning in the vicinity of a backwoods mining settle ment, and, according to his own account, he had come from a * desperate ways off' in search of 'sunthin to du.' 80 STRAY SUBJECTS. A linsey-wolsey jacket, considerably the worse for wear, was slung over his shoulder ; his pants were made of tow-cloth ; a pair of coarse cow-hide brogans orna mented his feet, and the gear which protected (?) his head might have answered an excellent turn to sift ashes through; in brief, his tout ensemble looked very like the ' breaking up of a hard winter.' He sauntered leisurely up to a knot of workmen, and drawing from his side-pocket a huge soft cracker, he commenced munching it solus. " 'Mornin', stranger," said one of the hands, at length. " Mornin' yourself, cap'n." " Which way ?" " None in partic'lar." " Well, stranger, where do you hail from ?" " Wai 1 hails from all raound the lot." " From the East'ard ?" " Wai yes 1 reckon." "What news?" " None as I knows on." " You're short, kinder." " Wai ; you'll find me long enough jarehaps." The conversation was suspended ; the wolverine con tinued to munch his biscuit, and the miners pursued their labours. But the biscuit finally disappeared, and the stranger, who had taken considerable interest in their operations, had approached w r ithin speaking dis tance again. " Wai ; they du say the Bank's busted ." "What bank?" bawled an operative, dropping his spade and looking about him for a land-slide ! THE WOLVERINE AND THE LEAD MINE. 81 'Nited States Bank." " O ! is that all ? Why, how you skeert a feller !" " Some of 'em will get skeered, wus en that, I reck- 'n, afore they're through with it." Again the talk ceased. The wolverine watched the progress of the workmen, and finally laid his jacket upon the bank. " S'pose you don't want another hand" "No." " No ; I thought not." Here one of the party, in a green roundabout, who imagined himself considerably more than a match for half a score like the green 'un and who appeared like overseer of the gang proposed to him that he should pay scot for the crowd, and he would then show him where he could set up the ' diggin' trade' on his own account ! " Done," said the wolverine. " Drinks all around mind." " Sartin. Jest fetch on your ' prary dew' foi the hull lot, and d the expense." A capacious caddy of the crature was procured, and the party had a jolly time at the cost of the new comer. The liquor disposed of, he asked the direction to the site where he should commence operations. " Well, stranger," said the knowing one, with a side wink to his men, " begin any whar ; try under the old tree yonder." " The big shady tree, across the lot, there ?" " Yes." " Thank ye. It looks like a right smart spot." 82 STRAY SUBJECTS. "Hope you'll have a good time of it," added the overseer, and the parties separated. The wolverine went at it in right good earnest, with a borrowed 'pick,' and long before sunset (as luck would have it) he * struck a Lead /' Having satisfied himself in reference to the location, he covered up hi? tracks, and returned to the lead mine. " Say, cap'n ; you're rayther hard on a poor feller." "Eh! What luck, stranger?" " Luck, you said ! Wai, I dont know what you call luck. I've been sweatin' over thar, about ten hours ; a hull day lost smack ; and not a red cent made yet." " Oh, try again," said the sharp 'un ; " you'll rfo." " Wai, may be so, and may be not. Whar's the owner o' that are patch ?" " / own this land, all about." " Maybe you wouldn't like to sell that are lot ?" " But I should, though." " Wot'll you take for that lot ?" " Oh, you may have it at Government price ; there's eighty acres." " I'll take that lot, Mr. Wot-you-call-em." "You will?" " Yes, Mister ; and yere's yer 'putty /' ' As our wolverine pronounced this last sentence, he drew forth a ragged bandana, in one corner of which was stowed away a goodly quantum of the ' shiners.' The hundred dollars was soon told out ; the parties im mediately repaired to the Land Office, where Squire P. made the deed of transfer, and the document was placed in the stranger's hands. On his way back, he passed a crowd of the miners, A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. 8d who had done laughing, and shortly afterwards he was out of sight. Next morning, bright and early, the wol verine was at work under that tree, with two assist ants ; and by noontime a very showy vein of ore had come to light, within a few feet of the ground's surface. The stranger laughed then ! the miners grinned, and the lucky buyer disappeared, again. Four weeks afterwards, a countryman in plain home spun, accompanied by a ' gentleman in black,' visited the spot; and they, too, went to Squire P.'s of fice. Another transfer was made, and the awkward wolverine, of the tattered breeches and torn hat, left his purchase in other hands, with a bonus of five thousand dollars in his pocket ! The last I saw of the rough stranger, he was inqui ring of the overseer in the green roundabout, whether he had for sale " any more left of the same sort /" G. P. B. A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. A FRIEND of ours related, the other day, an anecdote, for the authenticity of which he positively vouched. It relates to a very shrewd Yankee of the Sam Slick school, who formerly kept a slop-shop in the classic purlieus of Ann street, and drove a snug and thriving business, contriving, by constant attention to trade, and strict adherence to the cash principle, to do something more than make both ends meet in the course of the year. 84 STRAY SUBJECTS. He boasted that he " was never tuck in but once, and then he came out of it fust-rate." The only exception he made to his cash principle was in favour of a very dark-coloured gentleman who 'follered the sea for a livinY and who happened to be in want of a professional blue jacket adorned with an unusual quantity of black glass buttons, value two dollars and fifty cents. The sable mariner stated that he had just got into port, should be paid off next day, and would then infallibly ' call and settle.' The Yankee let him have the jacket, and charged him with the amount. The next day came, and the next, and the next, and brought no coloured gentleman. The Yankee clothes-dealer began to feel uneasy. To be taken in the first time he 'trusted,' was an event never anticipated in his calculation of the chances. He made inquiries, and found that he had been ' regularly taken in and done for.' Instead of his customer having just arrived hi port, he had sailed on a nine-months' voyage the day after he had obtained ' tick,' or, as Varnish says, in the new comedy, ( ac commodation.' In a desperate rage, the Yankee took ' account of stock,' and marked up all the blue jackets with glass buttons at 25 per cent, advance. From that time the Yankee was a constant reader of the daily journals, confining his attention, however, principally to the ' Marine Intelligence' and ' Shipping List.' Not a storm rippled the face of the ocean but roused the attention of our shop-keeper. Not a ship was spoken at sea, but he learned her name as soon as possible. At length the signal-gun of the 'Venus' (that was the name of the delinquent African's craft) announced her arrival from Canton in the lower harbour, A YANKEE ADMINISTRATOR. 85 and the flag on the telegraph station at Central wharf speedily confirmed the news. Our Yankee was on the qui vive. He hastened to the owners, to serve a trustee process to secure his debt, and there learned, with blank dismay, that his sable debtor had died of the small pox directly on the arrival of the ship, and was buried, with his chest of clothes, on Hospital Island. No money could be paid on his account except to a legally-em powered administrator. After cogitating awhile, the Yankee repaired to the Judge of Probate for the County of Suffolk, and applied for letters of administration. After the due publication of official notice, no heir or creditor appearing, the Yankee was duly authorized to receive payment of moneys due to the deceased. The pretty sum of 108 dollars was accordingly paid over to him. Two or three years passed on, no claimant ap peared, and the tailor rejoiced exceedingly in the bril liant upshot of the speculation. One day, however, as he was sitting at his window, calmly smoking a ' long nine,' and ruminating on some other 'speculation,' whom should he see, walking quietly along on the opposite side-walk, but the identical coloured gentleman who had negotiated with him three years before, arrayed in the identical blue jacket, orna mented with countless black glass buttons, but very much the worse for wear. At first he was ' taken all aback,' much as Macbeth was at the unwelcome appa rition of the f blood-boltered' Banquo at the festive board. A few moments' reflection, however, reassured him, and, springing over the counter, he rushed forth into the street. At this moment the negro raised his eyes and beheld the well-remembered sign, and with it OO STRAY SUBJECTS. flashed back on his mind a startling reminiscence of his own indebtedness. He also recognised the injured Yankee. His face became mottled with terror. He turned and fled. " Stop thief!" shouted the Yankee, as he dashed after him in hot pursuit. " Stop thief!" re peated the crowd. It was an exciting chase. Up flew windows, and out flew heads. Cellars subterranean disgorged their motley living tenants. Sailors, steva- dores, dogs, boys, girls, and even women, rushed along, stimulated by the eager cries of the Yankee. Far in the van, however, fled the panting negro, like a dark shadow, distancing pursuit. " If I only had a catched him," said the tailor to his foreman as he re-entered his low-browed shop, " I'd a made him pay me that two dollars and fifty cents, with interest to date." The key to the apparition was afterwards discovered. It seems that the negro, on reaching his destined port, had run away, and another hand (also coloured) had been shipped in his stead, the name, however, remaining unaltered on the ship's books. The second coloured gentleman it was, who, on his arrival in port, paid the debt of nature, and also more than paid, by his wages, the debt incurred by his predecessor in the forecastle of the ' Venus.' Although the Yankee, to use his own language, " came out of that 'ere spec fust-rate," yet, to his dying day, he never ceased to lament that " he hadn't cotched that 'ere nigger, and made him face that $2.50, with interest to date." F. A. D. THE STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. EARLY in the spring of the present year, a magnifi cent new steamer was launched upon the Ohio River, and shortly afterward made her appearance at the Le vee, opposite the flourishing city of Cincinnati. Gilt- edged covers, enveloping the captain's ' respects, ' accompanied with invitations to ' see her through,' upon her first trip down the river, being forwarded to the edi torial corps in that vicinity ; the chalked hats were ' numerous' on the occasion. It was a grand affair, this debut of a floating palace, which has since main tained her repute untarnished as the ' crack boat,' par excellence, upon the Western waters. Your humble ser vant was among the ' invited guests' and a nice time he had of it ! I found myself on board this beautiful craft in ' close communion' with a score of unquestionable ' beauties.' The company proved to be a heterogenous conglome ration of character made up of editors, lawyers, auc tioneers, indescribables, and * fancies' with a sprink ling of ' none-such's' There was a stray parson, too, in the crowd but as his leisure time ' between meetins' was spent in trading horses, we dispensed with his ' grace before meals.' We left our moorings an hour before sunset, upon a clear cold afternoon, and passed rapidly down stream 88 STRAY SUBJECTS. for a considerable distance, without experiencing any out-of-the-way occurrence. The ' sons of temperance,' and the parson aforesaid, amused themselves over a smoking whiskey toddy the * boys' were relieving each other of their superfluous dimes and quarters at euchre, when a tall gentleman, who was * some,' (when he was sober,) stepped suddenly into the cabin, and imparted the information that a well-known ' fast boat' had just hove in sight, at the mouth of the Kentucky river. The cards were ' dropt' instanter the punches disappeared and the 'mourners' were soon distrib uted hi knots upon the promenade deck, to watch the progress of events. Our 'bully' boat sped away like a bird, however, and the craft behind gave us early evidence that she should offer no child's play. The 'fat was in the fire' at once a huge column of black smoke curled up in the clear atmosphere an extra turn or two was visible upon our own boat, and away we went ! A good deal of excitement existed among the party, as the rival steamer was clearly gaining upon us. A craft like ours, with such a company, and such a captain, mustn't be beaten. As the boat behind us fell in under our stern, and we could ' count her passengers,' a sort of impression came over us, that, by some mistake, we had got upon the wrong boat ! At least, such was the expressed opinion of the parson, as he threatened to ' go down stairs' and take another drink. Our captain was a noble fellow he paced the deck quietly, with a con stant eye to wind'ard ; but he said nothing. A bevy of the mourners stepped up to him, with THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. 89 " What speed, cap'n ?" " Fair, gentlemen ; I may say very fair." " Smart craft, that, behind," ventured one. " Very," responded the captain, calmly, as he placed his hand upon a small brass knob at the back of the pilot house. This movement was responded to by the faint jingling of a bell below, followed immediately by a rush of cinders from the smoke-pipes, and an im proved action of the paddles. " Now we move again." " Some," was the response, and a momentary tremor pervaded the boat as she ' slid along' right smartly. But the craft in our rear moved like our shadow on the calm waters, and as we shot down the river, it seemed as if we had her ' in tow,' so calmly and uni formly did she follow in our wake. The excitement of the congregation upon deck had by this time become intense, and it was pretty plain that the boats must shortly part company, or ' split something !' The ras cal behind us took advantage of a turn in the channel, and ' helm a-starboard !' was clearly heard from the look-out of our rival, as she ' hove off,' and suddenly fell alongside us ! The parson went below at once, to put his threat into execution, as we came up into the current again, ' neck and neck ;' and when he returned we were running a twenty-five-knot lick, the steam smack on to 49 ! " She's going goin', go ," muttered an auction eer to himself. " A perfect nonsuit," remarked a lawyer. " Beaten but not vanquished," added a politician ; and away we scudded side by side for half a mile. F 90 STRAY SUBJECTS. " Wouldn't she bear a leetle more ?" meekly asked the parson. "She's doing very well," replied the captain. "Don't get excited, gentlemen ; my boat is a new one her reputation and mine is at stake. We mustn't rush her racing always injures a boat, and I am averse to it;" saying which he applied his thumb and finger to the brass knob again the bell tinkled in the dis tance and our rival pilot shortly had an opportunity to examine the architecture of our rudder-post ! I was acquainted with the engineer. I stepped below (believing we should be beaten at our present speed), and entering the engine-room " Tim," said I, " we'll be licked give her another turn, eh ?" " I rayther think she moves some as it is," said Tim. " Yes : but the C is hard on us give her a little, my boy just for " " Step in here a moment," remarked Tim ; " it's all t mum,' you know nothing to be said, eh ? Quiet there ! don't she tremble some?" I noticed, for the first time, that our boat did labour prodigiously ! " But come round here" continued Tim ; " look there ! mum's the word, you know." I stepped out of that engine-room (Tim said after wards, that I " sprang out at one bound ;" but he lied !) in a hurry. The solder upon the connexion-pipe had melted and run down over the seams in a dozen places, from the excessive heat a crowbar was braced athwart the safety-valve, with a ' fifty-six' upon one end and we were shooting down the Ohio, under a head of steam * chock up' to 54 40 ! ! "I stepped out of that engine-room (Tim said afterward*, that I ' sprang out al one bound;' but he lied!) in a hurry." Page 90. THE CAPTAIN WHO WAS AVERSE TO RACING. 91 My 'sleeping apartment' was well aft. I entered the state-room got over upon the back side of my berth and, stuffing the corners of the pillow into my ears, endeavoured to compose myself in sleep. It was out of the question. In attempting to ' right myself,' I discovered that my hair stuck out so straight, it was impossible for me to get my head within six inches of the pillow ! I tossed about till daylight, in momentary expectation of being landed in Kentucky, (or somewhere else !) but we got on finely. We led our rival half an hour into Louisville ; and I immediately swore upon my nightcap that I would never accept another invitation, for a plea sure trip, from a steamboat Captain who was averse to racing ! A WINDFALL FOR THE * YOUNG 'UN.' ORIGINAL CORRESPONDENCE. [To appreciate the following correspondence, it may be necessary to know that some seven years since a person by the name of BURN- HAM died in London without a will, leaving an immense property behind him estimated at some millions sterling in value. The news reached this country, and the Burnhams were, consequently, in high feather in reference to their prospect ! An agent was chosen to look after the property in Europe, the story went the rounds of the press, and a variety of genealogies and pedigrees were forwarded to London. It all ended in smoke, however ; no satisfactory legal proof having been found that the Burnham in England ever ' be longed' to anybody this side the water. A few days ago an eminent legal gentleman of this city, (who has been engaged by some of the parties interested to ferret the matter out,) addressed letters again to all the supposed heirs ; thus renewing the old story about the * Burnham fortune.' Our ' Young 'Un 5 received a copy of this communication, which we annex, with his reply. Ed. 'Spirit of the Times. 3 ] (COPY.) .NEW YORK, Nov. 4, 1846. Dear Sir I am desirous of ascertaining whether you are in any wise related to Mr. John G. Burnham (of England), who was lost at sea, some fifty or sixty years ago ? or are you of the family of Orrin Burnham, an Englishman, who came to this country somewhere from 1785 to 1787 ? Be good enough at your earliest leisure to inform me, if you are so connected and at the same time send me the names and residences of your A WINDFALL FOR THE < YOUNG 'tlN.' 93 father, grandfather, and uncles, on the father's side. A large landed property (some three millions sterling in value) has been left by a descendant of the Burnham family in England, and it may be of material pecuniary advantage to you to establish your pedigree. Let me hear from you as soon as convenient. Very resp'y, your obed't serv't, ***** *********, Att'y for the Heirs. To GEO. P. BURNHAM, Esq., Fran&lin House, Philadelphia. (REPLY.) Hon. * , New York. FRANKLIN HOUSE, PHILADELPHIA, Nov. 10, 1846. My Dear Sir Your favour, under date 4th inst., came duly to hand, and I improve my earliest moment of leisure (after the unavoidable delays attendant upon procuring the information you seek) to reply. You are desirous of being made acquainted with my ' pedigree.' I have to inform you that I have taken some days to examine into the matter, and, after a careful investiga tion of the ' records,' find that I am a descendant, in the direct line, from a gentleman very well remembered in these parts by the name of ADAM. The old man had two sons ; ' Cain' and ' Abel' they were called. The latter, by the other's hands, went dead one day ; but as no coroner had then been appointed in the county where they resided, ' verdict was postponed.' A third son was born, whom they called ' Seth.' Cain Adam had a son named Enoch who had a son (in the fourth generation) by the name of Malech. Malech had a son 94 STRAY SUBJECTS. whom he called NOAH, from whom I trace, directly, my own being. NOAH had three sons ' Shem,' * Ham,' and c Japhet.' The eldest and youngest Shem and Japhet were a couple of the ' b'hoys' and Ham was a very well dis posed young gentleman, who slept at home o'nights. But his two brothers, unfortunately, were not so well inclined. Ham was a sort of ' jethro' the butt of his two brothers who had done him ' brown' so many times that they called him ' burnt.' For many years he was known, therefore, as ' Burnt-Ham.' Before his death he applied to the Legislature in his diggin's for a change of name. He dropped the t a bill was passed entitling him to the name of BURN-HAM and hence the sur name of your humble servant. So much for the name. In several of the newspapers of that period I find al lusions made to a very severe rain-storm which occurred ' just about this time' and the public prints (of all par ties) agree that " the storm was tremendous," and that " an immense amount of damage was done to the shipping and commercial interest." As this took place some six thousand years back, you will not, I presume, expect me to quote the particular details of this circumstance except in so far as refers directly to my own relatives. I may here add, however, that subsequent accounts in form me that everything of any particular value was totally destroyed. A private letter from Ham, dated at the time, declares that " there wasn't a peg left to hang his hat on !" Old NOAH found it was ' gittin' werry wet under foot (to use a familiar expression of his,) and he wisely built a canal-boat (of very generous dimensions) for the A WINDFALL FOR THE 'YOUNG 'UN. 1 95 safety of himself and family. Finding that the rain continued, he enlarged his boat, so that he could carry a very considerable amount of luggage in case of acci dent. This foresight in the old gentleman proved most fortunate, and only confirms the established opinion, that the family is ' smart' for the " storm continued un abated for forty days and forty nights," (so say the accounts,) until every species of animal and vegetable matter had been ' used up' always excepting the old gentleman's canal-boat and cargo ! Now, Noah was a great lover of animals he was ! " Of every kind, a male and female" did he take into his boat with him, and * a nice time' they must have had of it for six weeks ! Notwithstanding the fact (which I find recorded in one of the journals of the day) that " a gentlemen who was swimming about, and who requested the old man to let him in, upon being refused, declared that he might go to grass with his old canoe, for he didn't think it would be much of a shower, anyhow !" I say, notwithstanding this opinion of the gentleman, who is represented as having been a ' very expert swimmer,' everything was destroyed. HAM was one of 'em he was ! He ' knew sufficient to get out of the rain,' albeit he wasn't thought very witty ! He took passage with the rest, however, and thus did away with the necessity of a life-preserver. From Ham I trace my pedigree directly down, through all the grades, to King Solomon, without any difficulty who, by the way, was reported to have been a little loose in his habits, and was very fond of the ladies and Manzanilla Sherry. He used to sing songs, too of which ' the least said the soonest mended.' But on the 96 STRAY SUBJECTS. whole, Sol was a very clever, jolly-good fellow, and , several occasions gave evidence of possessing his shart, .>f the cunning natural to our family. Some thought him * wise' but although I have no disposition to abuse any of my ancestors, I think the QUEEN OF SHEBA (a very nice young woman she was, too,) rather ' come it' over the old fellow ! By a continuous chain, I trace my relationship thence through a rather tortuous line, from generation to gen eration, down to Mr. Matthew, not the Comedian, but to Matthew, the Collector, (of Galilee, I think,) who 'sat at the receipt of customs.' To this connec tion I was undoubtedly indebted for an appointment in the Boston Custom House. Matthew lived in the good old < high tariff' times when something in the shape of duties was coming in. But as nothing is said of his finale, I rather think he absquatulated with the funds of the Government. But I will come to the information you desire, without further ado. You know the < OLD 'UN, 7 undoubtedly. (If you don't, there is very little doubt but you will know his namesake, hereafter, if you don't cease to squander your time in looking after the plunder of the Burnham family !) Well the < Old 'Un' is in the direct line,' to which I have now endeavoured to turn your attention, and I have been called, of late years, the < YOUNG 'UN' for rea sons that will not interest you. To my honoured Senior (whom I set down in the category as my legitimate ' dad') I would refer you for further particulars. He is tenacious of the character of his progeny and loves me ; I would commend you to him, for it will warm the A WINDFALL FOR THE < YOUNG 5 UN.' 97 cockles of his old heart to learn that the ' YOUNG 'UN* is in luck. If you chance to live long enough to get as far down in my letter as this paragraph, allow me to add that should you happen to receive any very considerable amount as my share of the ' property/ for the Burnham family, please not overlook the fact that I am ' one of 'em' and that I have taken pains to tell you ' whar I cum from.' Please forward my dividend by Adams & Co.'s Express (if their crates should be big enough to convey it), and if it should prove too bulky, turn it into American gold and charter a steamer to come round for the purpose ; I shan't mind the expense ! In conclu sion, I can only intimate the high consideration I enter tain towards yourself for having pre-paid the postage upon your communication a very unusual transaction with legal gentlemen. My sensations, upon closing this hasty scrawl, are, I fancy, very nearly akin to those of the Hibernian who ' liked to have found a sovereign once' but you will allow me to assure you that it will afford me the greatest pleasure to meet you at the FRANKLIN HOUSE, in this city, where I shall be happy to give you any further information in my power touch ing that ' putty' in prospective. I am very resp'y, your obed't serv't, GEO. P. BURNHAM, alias the * YOUNG 'UN.' A TALE OF A TURKEY. AN UNFORTUNATE FACT. Orlando. Forbear ! and eat no more ! Duke. We have eat none yet. Orlando. Nor shall you till my appetite be served. As You Like It. ONE Saturday evening, not long ago, a trio of young gentlemen going home in the evening, after the labours of the week had ended, chancing to look upwards at a third story window of a certain house in a certain street, not many leagues from the well-known Marlboro' Hotel, Boston, tenanted by an acquaintance of theirs, a young man of great histrionic ability and repute, espied one of ' Plato's Men,' i. e. a bird of the genus Turkey, denuded of its feathers, and in fact prepared for spitting, hanging in a melancholy manner from a window-fastening, for the benefit of pure air. Mr. T., the proprietor of the bird, being something of a bird-fancier, had, a few days previous, purchased this choice turkey, for the purpose of regaling himself and family therewith on Sunday, wisely deferring the luxurious feast to a day of rest, whereon the wicked prompter ceaseth from troubling, and the annoying call- boy is quiescent. So there the turkey or the ding- dong, as Paul Shack has it, hung in the night breeze : And like a mighty pendulum, All solemnly he swung. A TALE OF A TURKEY. 99 But if Mr. T. loved turkey, so did his three friends, and Mephistopheles prompted them to a < deed without a name ;' (null and void, accordingly, their easy con sciences argued,) and this was no other than the abduc tion of the bird. " Turkies are high," said one of the trio. " Yes, but they'll come down," answered another, who, by chance, had become possessed of a long cedar pole, which had been dropped out of an unconscious countryman's cart. To lash the hooked blade of an open jacknife to the extremity of this pole was the work of a moment ; in another, the string which attached the turkey to his nail was cut. " The last link was broken," and down came the bird -facilis descensus, as the poet has it. The watchman was slumbering, and the prize was secured. They carried it into an eating-house, and ordered mine host to roast it and serve it up the next day with appropriate ( fixins' for their Sunday dinner. The next day, punctual to the appointed hour, the friends assembled and were told their meal would soon be served. While waiting for this desirable consumma tion, in came the owner of the abducted bird. He was pale and wan, and in a state of considerable agitation. Walking up to the landlord in a nervous manner, he begged to know if he could, as a great favour, accom modate him with about five pounds of beef-steak. " It's all gone," was the answer. Mutton ?" "All out." " What have ydu got ?"gasped the despairing victim. " I've got nothing for my Sunday dinner." 100 STRAY SUBJECTS. < You'd ought to have provided beforehand," said the sententious host. " So I did," replied the agonized actor : " I had a turkey, and a better one Ne'er did repose upon a rusty nail ; But he is gone ; whither, I know not, sir. The earth has bubbles as the water hath, And he was one of these A turkey towering in his pride of place, Was hawked and moused at by some prowling rascal I only wish I knew who it was." "Won't you dine with us?" asked one of the con spirators, "we are going to have turkey." " No no I thank you think of my family, they would have no turkey. " Farewell, a long farewell to dreams of turkey. Landlord, what can you give me ?" " I'm sorry to say," said the host, after a wink from one of the initiated, " that I can't spare you any meat or poultry. I'm hard up myself. If it was any other day but Sunday. As far as a pot of baked beans goes, however " " Beans !" shrieked the victim, " do you take us for Mexicans, that you would feed us on their national ra tions ? Begone ! thou troublest me I'm not in the bean-eating vein. My wife ! my little ones ! Beans /" he repeated, with a sneering and demoniac emphasis. " Better have 'em," said the landlord. " Beans be it, then !" said the victim, in the deep, hollow tones of forced resignation. A TALE OF A TURKEY. 101 "Salubrious, savoury, and economical beans!" sug gested the landlord pleasantly and mildly. "Ah!" he added soothingly, as he folded up a brown pot in a napkin and delivered it to the despairing applicant, " I could almost pick a bean with you myself." " Gentlemen!" said the victim, folding the bean-pot in his arms with an air of great dignity, "you cannot fully appreciate my feelings, you cannot sympathize entirely with me. You called for turkey, and you had it : I, who had for four days been preparing my palate for the inordinate delectation which a well-roasted din- don invariably affords, am obliged to satisfy it with an article compared to which, turkey is, as Shakspeare ob serves, < Hyperion to a Satyr.' Imagine the transition from roast turkey to baked beans ! Pardon these tears ! Truly there is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous !" And with these words Mr. T. disappeared with his sorrowful burthen. The conspirators dined well that day, while their vic tim but we will forbear to draw aside the veil which should shroud the sorrows of a bereaved and afflicted family. On New Year's eve, however, Mr. T. was agreeably surprised by the reception of a note and a parcel. The former was anonymous, and contained condolences upon his loss ; the latter contained a turkey, finer, fatter, heavier than the lamented and lost bird. When the remains of this atonement were removed from the table upon New Year's day, Mr. T. leaned back in his chair, weary with his labours. " That was capital !" said he " but upon my soul, I wish I could find out who stole that other turkey" F. A. D. APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE. A BRACE of legs, thrust considerably too far through a pair of mottled pants, and attached to a couple of the largest-sized feet, which were encased in twin cowhide brogans, formed the underpinning to a long, slabsided body, of otherwise generous proportions the whole being surmounted by a head, which was covered with a gray ' five year old' (at least) sealskin cap. This sum total legs, pants, feet, shoes, body, and chapeau was the property, by possession, of Mr. ZENAS HUMSPUN. ZENAS had been on < a bat' during the night previous, and had squandered full half-a-dollar on himself, in white-eye and sweetening. But his returning senses made him feel philosophical and, on the morning we speak of him, he stood, at an early hour, in street, gazing mechanically at the Telegraphic wires soliloquizing, thus wise : < < 'ic ! That's the telerguff. W 'ic well, I don't poorceive nuthin' per 'ic culier 'bout them strings on'y one's bigger 'en t'other 'ic." "That's the lighPnin 1 line, the big 'un" said an urchin in the doorway near by. Wen does she 'ic start ?" "You'd better ax in thar." "Whar?" " In the office, up thar. 11 The loafer was shown to the door of the building, and APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE. 103 by hook or crook' found his way up three flights of stairs, into the Telegraphic office. The attendants in quired " what the gentleman had to forward ?" For'ud ? 'ic who's sJie ?" " What will you send ?" "Send wharl" "This is the Telegraph office, sir." " Well 'ic who'n thunder said it wusn't?" "I supposed you had business, sir." " Nuthin' o' the sort 'ic quite the re 'ic verse o' the confrairy." " What wiU you have ?" " I want to make some 'ic quiries." The hour being early, and little doing, the clerks very charitably determined upon some fun with the fellow, with a view to sobering him. The opportunity for any thing gratuitous escaped them, however for as they commenced a consultation upon the best means to benefit the intruder, he stepped up to one of the batteries, which happened, fortunately, to be but lightly charged and, concluding that the knobs were portable, he pulled his cap over his forehead and attempted to remove one of the balls ; the next moment Zenas lay stretched upon the floor! He arose, as best he could, and turned to the clerk, with " Look yere, Mister 'ic wot's yure name ? I kin lick as many sich like skunks as you, as could be druv into a forty aiker lot ! Wot in did yer 'ic nock a innersent man down that way fer? Eh?" " Nobody touched you !" said the clerk. The devil they 'ic didn't !" 104 STRAY SUBJECTS. No, Sir. You took the" Took wot ? Yere's yure corntemptible copper" and, proceeding to dash a loose penny towards the attendant, which lay upon the machine his fingers came in contact with the battery, and away he went again, heels over head, across the floor! "Look yere!" continued the sufferer, who, by this time, was w r ell nigh sobered " 'ed blast yure infernal pictur, wot in thunder are you 'baout ?" " You mustn't handle the tools" observed the clerk, nearly bursting with laughter. " Look you ! Mr. Wot's-your-name I arn't to be fooled this yere way, fer nuthin' I arn't. By thunder ! I'm a inderpendunt individooal, I am and this yere nockin' people down, without notice of no kind, arn't tJie thing, by ! Ef you'll open that yere door, I'll go out o' this, and no questions axed." That's the door, sir." That brass handle ?" "Yes." "I'm blowed ef you do, though! This child don't meddle with no more hard ware in this trap, no how !" The door was opened by the clerk, and the fellow sidled out. A suppressed laugh pervaded the counte nance of the attendant, as Zenas departed which, as the door closed, vented itself in a broad haw-haw. " You're a smart young gentleman you are !" bawled the loafer, through the keyhole, as he held the door fast with both hands "you're a very smart young man! You'd like to git out o' that, and go to yur breakfast, bimeby, may be ! An' ef yer do git any grub afore noon, jes let a feller 'bout my size know it will yer ? I'll APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE. 105 teach yer to knock people down, simultaneously fer nuthin' /will" and, from the preparations making on the outside, the prospect was that the " insiders" were to be made prisoners. A thought struck the attendant. He disconnected the wire, and placing it in contact with the knob of the door upon the inside, his companion let on the battery ! The door flew open instantaneously, and our valiant stranger, with the sealskin cap, was discovered in the act of an anti-angular descent down stairs, the side of his head scraping the paint from the edges of the steps, and his legs meantime performing an involuntary pirouette, which would have done infinite credit to a French dancing-master! It so chanced that Zenas had purchased a bunch of lucifer matches the night before, which he had deposited in his coat pocket. In his progress down stairs, the matches had become ignited, and by the time he had reached the bottom of the first flight, he had partially re covered from the first effects of the shock' but the fluid tingled through his veins, his coat-tails were on fire, and he was not < set forward' in his imagination any, by this last effort of his tormentors. He discovered the fire, and presuming it was part and parcel of the < cussid invention' he sprang to his feet and with both hands briskly at work behind him, for the purpose of smothering the flame, which was roasting the seat of his inexpressi bles he * put' for the street door at full gallop ! 'Fire! Fire! Help! yere! OwH murd fire! help !" shouted the victim, as he darted into the street. Away he dashed towards Baltimore, at a speed which the ' lightnin' line' itself might have been proud of. 106 STRAY SUBJECTS. Luckily, a square off, he discovered a servant, with a hose attached to one of the hydrants, busily engaged in washing off the pavement. He rushed to the spot, and turning short before him a posteriori he begged him, at the top of his voice, " for God's sake" to "put him out!" Perhaps his sable friend's eye didn't glisten, and may be his < ivory' didn't shine, as he charitably turned 'the current of that stream' upon the unmentionable portion of the poor devil's netherments ! " The fire was extinguished without serious damage," as the pa pers say the loafer was thoroughly saturated and having exchanged his < heavy inside wet' for a skin- drenching, he departed, perfectly sober, amidst the jeers of the crowd who had witnessed \hejinale most vocife rously cursing all improvements in magnetism and com bustibles ! G. P. B. LOVE IN THE BOWERY. " The course of true love didn't never run smooth." Shak spears Bowery edition* I. I SEEN her on the sidewalk, When I run with number 9 : My eyes spontaneous sought out hern And hern was fixed on mine. She waved her pocket handkerchief, As we went rushin' hy No boss that ever killed in York Was happier than I. I felt that I had done it ; And what had won her smile 'Twas them embroidered braces, And that 'ere immortal tile. 2. I sought her out at Wauxhall, Afore that place was shet Oh ! that happy, happy evenin', I recollex it yet. I gin her cords of peanuts, And a apple and a ' wet.' Oh ! that happy, happy evenin', I recollex it yet. 108 STRAY SUBJECTS. 3. I took her out to Harlem On the road we cut a swell, And the nag we had afore us Went twelve mile afore he fell. And though ven he struck the pavement, The ' crab' began to fail, I got another mile out By twisting of his tail. 4. I took her to the Bowery She sat long side of me They acted out a piece they called " The Wizard of the Sea." And when the sea-fight was fetched on, Eliza cried " hay ! hay !" And like so many minutes there Five hours slipped away. 5. Before the bridle halter, I thought to call her mine The day was fixed when she to me Her hand and heart should jine. The rum old boss, the father, swore He'd gin her out er hand, Two hundred cash and also treat To number 9's men stand. DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. 109 6. But bless me ! if she didn't slip Her halter on the day : A pedlar from Connecticut, He carried her away. And when the news was brought to me, I felt almighty blue ; And though I didn't shed no tear, Perhaps I cussed ' a few.' 7. Well, let it pass there's other gals, As beautiful as she ; And many a butcher's lovely child Has cast sheep's eyes at me. I wears no crape upon my hat, 'Cause I'm a packin' sent I only takes a extra horn, Observing, " LET HER WENT !" F. A. D. DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. A GREAT many very probable stories are told of acci dents and hair-breadth escapes by sea and land. The traveller who finds himself on board a Mississippi steamer, will occasionally meet a ' passenger' who has shaken hands with the { grim monster,' and parted com- 110 STRAY SUBJECTS. pany with him, at considerably less than a moment's notice ! We were a fortunate collection, on board the elegant ' Yorktvwn' upon one of her downward trips last sea son, and with a full river and a rapid current, were making headway at more than a twenty mile lick, down stream on a clear day early in November. ' Drinks all round' had been the order of the evening (with a certain coterie of friends), the occupation being varied only by ( cobblers for the party' ' snifters for the crowd' or ' slugs for the entire company' until, by common consent, the ' mourners' settled themselves down into comparative quiet. Most of the passengers had disappeared for the night, and only a knot of ' hard-heads' were left upon deck. These remained till day-light, amusing each other with long yarns. At early morning they had drawn some half-a-dozen listeners around them, among whom was a superstitious impostor, in rusty black and straight hair who was endeavouring to palm himself off for a cler gyman, and who was strongly suspected by one of the story-tellers. The principal object of the most promi nent speaker (who was a rough but good-natured Vir ginian) seemed to be, to impress upon the mind of this pretended Rev., the dangers and jeopardies of steam- travelling ; more particularly in boats, more especially upon rivers, and more peculiarly on the Mississippi ri ver ! The parson had said little, but he gave his neigh bours to understand that all his predilections were in favour of the ' doctrine of fore-ordination.' " Whatever is to be, will be," sighed the rusty gen tleman, as the Virginian concluded an account of a DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. Ill dreadful steamboat accident, which occurred only a few days previously. " You b'lieve it, do you, stranger ?" " Indeed, my friend, I do." " P'raps you never heern tell o' that 'orful catastro- phy as took place Aere-abouts, some time ago ?" " Mercy I No." " Last year afo' Christmas" "To what?" " To the steamer Snorter." No ! Where ?" " On this very river." "How?" " Bu'st her biler." " When ?" " Just about this time o' day." " The dev 1 mean, you don't say so!" " Oh, yes. What is ter be, will be and a feller can't help it." The tabs of a dingy white neck-cloth dangled at the side of the narrator's chair, and a pair of dingier gray eyes were fixed upon the Virginian's as he proceeded. " How did it happen ?" asked the reverend. " Wai. We had a fello' abo'd, as was struck with a fit o' preachin 9 and the cuss never 'd sleep o' nights, but keep a hollerin' and blo'in' cos he was afeered sunthin' would split afo' day he said we wus such a wicked set, and he'd try to hev sum uv us put asho'. He was a Jonah, cuss him, but we fixed him afo' we got through." " How ?" asked the parson. " How ? W'y we left him asho' !" 112 STRAY SUBJECTS. Where ?" On the river yere." "In the night?" "No. Just about this ttme! We overhauled a boat as wus runnin' in the opposition (at a wood-yard below), and afo' we knew whar we wus, the cap'n had got our craft under weigh agin (for the feller had started off ahead of us, in a hurry), and we wus soon neck and neck. The pitch-knots was crammed inter the furnaces, right smart, stranger, and away we went, sometimes afo' and sometimes abreast of the Sno'rter.' Wul we finally hove in sight of another wood-yard, whar we hed to stop to take in fuel. We veered round to the sho', and made fast in a jifly." " Well ?" said the parson, as his eyes started in their sockets. " Wul, thar was a heap o' steam on her, and we hed made up our minds that what < wus to be, would be,' and it wusn't o' no use to be skeert afo' we wus hurt ; 'n so we jes naterally insisted that the other craft must be beat any how." "Well?" Wul, wot do you suppose the cap'n did, stranger?" Can't say." " He druv one end of a cro'bar into the loop over the 'scape-valve (which w r as bobbin' up an' down, and lettin' off the extra steam) and jes set hisself dovm on the other end uv it /" The devil he did !" " The what, stranger?" " I say it can't be possible ! " But I say he did, though and thar he sot till she blo'dup"' DRIVING A PARSON ASHORE. 113 "Busted?" " Oh, yes ' When we started from the sho' at the fust turn of the wheel on her, she bust into a thousand splinters." " Awful !" says the parson. " The cap'n wus never heer'd on. I was standin' on the upper deck," continued the Virginian, " and the feller as wanted to preach so bad, was heavin' the pitch into the fires when she bust." " And you never saw him more ?" inquired the par son, in breathless suspense. " yes. Jls me and tlie smoke-pipe went UP, we met the cuss coming DOWN ! !" " Well ?" continued the impostor. Well, I kno'ed he wus a Jonah," added the Vir ginian, " an' ef he hadn't a bin done fer, as he wus, I'd a licked him to death fer palming himself off fer a par- son, which he wusn't !" The gentleman with the straight hair and seedy coat turned pale upon this, and at the conclusion of the story the bell rang, below the steampipe sent forth its thun der and the boat veered round in front of another wood-yard. " What's that?" asked the pretended parson. " We're heavin' asho'. Tfiis is the very yard /" The impostor scrambled ashore up the steep bank and when the last bell rung, nothing was seen of him. We left again, but no parson was in sight. We had been detained half an hour at the yard, and were now quietly making our way down stream, close to the shore --when from a bluff on the bank, a mile or so below the wood-yard, our missing parson was suddenly dis- 114 STRAY SUBJECTS. covered, shaking his clenched fist most lustily at his Virginian friend, who was the first to espy him! The only reply vouchsafed by his tormentor, to this pugnacious demonstration, was a certain twisting of his fingers in front of his phiz while his thumb rested gen tly upon the tip of his nose! We continued on our course, and the last I saw of the frightened < parson,' he was rushing along the river's bank at top-speed, and evincing a most religious desire to find a big stone to hurl at the head of his persecutor, who soon left him to his own reflections ! G. P. B. TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. A DESULTORY SKETCH OF CHARACTER. " What though a man be obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that." She Stoops to Conquer. WE first knew TIM LINKS as a gentleman in velvet smalls, who used to lead calico horses into the ring at a travelling circus, and, in connexion with another gentle man in velvet smalls, adjust the spring-board and carry out the evergreen tree that grew oranges for the consump tion of the Sprites of the Silver Shower.' He never as pired to the dignity of spangles, and his smalls, from con stant contact with the ring, became of such an inveterate tan-colour, that when he stood in the arena in a dim TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 115 light, he looked like a Herculean torso from the ruins of Pompeii. We next hear of him as second camel- puncher in a Grand Caravan. And so Links rose, step by step, until he became possessor of a cheap flamingo and a plethoric porcupine, when he seceded from the Caravan, and set up a < side show,' travelling with the Menagerie as an independent satellite, and diverting a good many coppers from the legitimate establishment. The < Grand Junction United Zoological Institute' finally bought him out, and he set up a shingle in Broadway, some sixteen years ago, with a small assortment of ani mals, which he exhibited at a shilling a head admission. I remember the original flamingo with very few of the original feathers left used to stand on one leg in an area outside the show, as a forlorn hope to entice the unwary within doors. Links used to stand a good part of his time at the door, to solicit custom as well as to parry the satirical sallies which the < b'hoys' were wont to di rect against his favourite bird. "Bless my eye-balls!" a juvenile critic would ex claim, " that 'ere a flamingo ! Why, he hain't got but one leg, and he's as bare as a picked crow." "Gentlemen!" Links would say, "he's a moultin' (he was always a moulting, according to Links), and he'll come out week after next as red as a pan-tile. You blasted fool ! (addressing the bird with a venomous punch) let down your t'other leg ! Don't you see 'em poking fun at yer ! There, gentlemen ! that 'ere's the original St. Domingo of South Ammeriky, which feeds on cochineal in his native state, and owes his colour to the prevalence of red pepper in Cayenne drinks no thing but port wine, and is partial to lady-bugs. Walk 116 STRAY SUBJECTS. in, gentlemen, and see the collection bears, tigers, kangaroos, and porkepines, which beats the Zoological Gardens all holler, and can't be come over by the Gar dens desPlantys in Par-ee/" This appeal used to draw down torrents of applause and laughter, when Links would disappear through a green baize door, and his exit would be followed by a growl from an invisible bear and { Buy a Broom' from a hand-organ, with the middle bars left out. Tim Links was not a man of exemplary habits. There was a certain plebeian bar-room in a by-street, hard by his ' Institute,' where he was wont to sit from 11, P. M., into the small hours of the morning, imbibing strong waters, and growling over his cups like an un happy bear, whose disposition, when not perfectly sober, and imperfectly drunk, seemed to be his own. One night, the landlord, incensed at the row he made, re proached him with the severity of the < turkey' he had < on,' and shoved him out of doors sans ceremonie. " It's a turkey I've got on," hiccuped Tim Links, as he noticed a singular disposition on the part of the pave to rise up and impede his progress " to-morrow night, old fellow, it'll be another sort of bird." And sure enough, as the clock struck twelve on the ensuing night, Tim walked into the bar-room with a bald eagle perched upon his shoulders. Marching up to the bar, he ordered a double tumbler of whis key punch. Now, though the < bird of our banner' was very fond of Tim, he was not partial to strangers ; and when the old Dutch landlord was handing his glass to Tim, the eagle, poising himself upon one claw, thrust forth the other in ravenous guise, and inflicted a severe scratch on the pate of mine host. ' While the bear very quietly took an arm-chair at the other, and disclosed double row of sharp serrated teeth." Page 117, TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 117 Donder and blixen !" roared Mein Herr. " Take the tarat pird away, Tim ! Ter tuyfel ! how mein head shmarts!" " Like him better than a turkey ?" asked Tim, with a fiendish grin. The bar-room loafers rose in affright, as the savage bird, spreading his pinions, circled over their heads, ut tering his shrill shrieks, menacing each individual in the assembly, and not ceasing his gyrations until he had driven them all forth into the street. With a malignant smile of satisfaction, Tim resumed his bird, and went home as sober as a church. The next night, punctual to the chime of twelve, Tim made his appearance in full Zoological costume. He wore his eagle as before round his neck he had twisted a couple of torpid boas, and by a short chain he led a very savage and congenial bear. The crowd receded before his weighty steps; the Dutchman was horror- stricken as he beheld his uncomfortable customer seat himself at one side of a table covered with sprigged oil cloth, while the bear very quietly took an arm-chair at the other, and disclosed a double row of sharp serrated teeth, as he smiled upon the unfortunate landlord with an unwonted effort at benignity. " Milk punch for two !" said Tim, sternly, with a wave of his ' red right hand.' " Tirectly, sir," answered the quivering landlord, in the meekest tone imaginable. " Make 'em strong," said Tim " no nutmeg for the bear and harkye, a plate of crackers for the bird." The perspiration poured down the poor landlord's face, as he laboured in the composition of the bibables. 118 STRAY SUBJECTS. " And now, mein tear Mr. Links," said he, in a sup plicating tone of voice, " you vill come and get te trinks yourself!" " Not I, you cub !" thundered the showman. " Fetch them yourself, or I'll set the bird on you !" The poor Dutchman, in mortal terror, trembled for his life. He was regularly cornered now. But fright, like hunger, sharpens wit, so he set the tumblers on a long-handled fire-shovel, and extending his arm in the fashion of a fencer making a lunge, he contrived to de posit the punch safely before the precious couple. Links smiled grimly, and nodded to the bear, as he raised his glass to his lips. The bear capsized the tumbler with his snout and then lapped up the liquor, stopping now and then to lick his lips and cock his red eye at his master, as if in token of his perfect approbation. As soon as he had finished, he looked at the landlord, who was contemplating the strange scene with open eyes and mouth, and uttered a fierce growl. "More punch! don't you hear him ?" roared the showman. The order was instantly obeyed. Bruin made away with the second glass as speedily as he mastered the first. He drank a third in the like manner but refused a fourth. In fact, he had got enough ; he fairly hiccup- ed swayed in his chair rocked his head from side to side with maudlin gravity, and snorted. " Te tamt trunken peast !" ejaculated the Dutchman. It seemed as if the bear heard him ; for, with an an gry growl, he started from his seat and made for the affrighted landlord. It was in vain that the latter sought the shelter of the bar. Over it and him, the animal TIM LINKS, THE SHOWMAN. 119 rolled, roaring and snarling, smashing glasses and de canters, and making a general average of the poor Dutchman's stock in trade. "Take him off! take him off!" roared Mynheer. " Mine tear Mr. Links. Tink of my poor wife and hopeless little vons ! I'll forgive your debt yes, gra- shus! I won't sharge for mein crockery! Murder! murder !" And here his voice became suddenly extinct he was paralyzed with terror lying on his back be hind the bar with his hands and feet lifted up, like the legs of a whipped poodle begging for mercy. Tim Links surveyed the picture with a grim smile. " That 'ere does me good," said he ; " it's a practi- kle proof of a theory of mine when I fust went inter the St. Domingo spekkleation, 'bout the superiority of an- nimle over human natur. That 'ere poor drivellen' creetur ain't of no account 'long side of a bar. Well well the crittur brung it onto himself! heaving a tur key into my teeth ! Come here, Ben !" The bear reluctantly obeyed for he was partial to fat Dutchmen and staggering up to his master, permit ted him to take his chain. Tim, who was none of the soberest, tied his bear into a hard knot to avoid losing him, gathered up his eagle, pocketed a couple of vipers who were crawling out of his sleeve, and made tracks for the 'Institute.' The next day, the unfortunate Dutchman sold out, and set up his shingle anew upon Harlem road. His hair, which was once as black as jet, in one night turned as white as snow ; and whenever his friends commented on the circumstance, he used to re count his unhappy experience, and told how " Dat tamt Tim Links te scamp mit his puzzard and his 120 STRAY SUBJECTS. snakes, and his tamt trunken pear, frightened him all over so pad ash never was, and scart all de plack hair off his head into white, yust like old Santa Claus upon te sign-poard;" and from that time forward he never ventured to declare as heretofore, that " Goot entertain ment for man and peast might be found mitin de prem- ishes." F. A. D. "TOO MUCH ALIKE!" IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN SATISFACTORILY, THAT ARCHITECTS SHOULD NEVER PLAN OR ERECT TWO BUILDINGS SIMILAR IN DESIGN. ONE of those ludicrous, but singular occurrences, which will sometimes take place even in the best socie ty, came to light a short time since in the ' upper ten' circle of a neighbouring city, and which for < richness,' outvies the Oolong and cream-toast of our old acquain tance Squeers, emphatically! We have asserted that such things will happen. But then as Mrs. Partington would say, " it's a queer world" and so it is ! But for the story. A polished little French gentleman of considerable wealth, who had been educated in the highest school of politeness, had been wedded to a beautiful, but showy woman, for a brief period ; and having, with his bride, passed the hey-day of the honey-moon in making the tour of the Northern States, concluded to settle down in Quakerdom. After a little search, he decided upon "TOO MUCH ALIKE!'* 121 locating in one of a fine block of houses in Hansom street, a row of buildings erected within a few years, and uniform in their architecture, inside and out. The whole block was occupied, with the exception of that chosen by Monsieur, who furnished it forthwith, in the most elegant style, and took possession. " I have come to Philadelphee" said the French gentleman (and he tells his own story most eloquently, and innocently) " I have come to ze city vis my vife, an' I likes him var' mooch. I go vis my vife to look for ze grande maison vhich sal please Madame and ve find him, numero two hon'red twenty-three, Hansom street. I secure him, I furnish him, a la mode, ve settil down, ve live var' content eh bien, vot you sal call ' comfortable' a V Anglais. I hav' foine house, foine compagnons, ma vife var' good tres bien ! " I hav' sometimes ennui ; an' I go to ze grand Opera. Mon Dieu ! I listen to TEDESCO ! Ah ! Mon sieur zar' be but une Tedesco; var' foine magni- fique ! I leave ze Opera, I come home to ma house, ze garcon open ze door, I come in and I look for Mad ame. I ask ' Vere be Madame ?' Ze servant sai ' Ma dame retire.' Tres bien it is right Madame fatigue. I sit down, I smoke ma cigare, I read ze Courier, ze clock strike dix heures I take ze lamp, and pass to ma chambre. I go var' still, not to disturb Madame, who have mooch fatigue I open ze door, I place ze light on ze table, I turn roun', MON DIEU ! I foin ze jentle- man soun* 'sleep in bed vis ma vife. " I take ze jentleman by ze arm, and I call to him, var' loud < Eh bien, Monsieur! vot you do in ma bed ?' 122 STRAY SUBJECTS. " He start up var' mooch, an' he cry ' Tieve ! robbair ! murdair ! vot you do, sair ?' " I say < Pardonnez-moi, monsieur, que diabk you do in ma bed !' " / Ow !" shouted the Yankee " wot'n thai- THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. 161 der are yer deuin' ? Consarn you ! yer've tore a feller's jaw all teu smash ! " Not so bad as that I hope" " Wai it dooz feel better, fact'" " I thought it would." By gracious ! though you did it slick !" I shall be happy to serve you again" added the polite doctor ! Wai I do' no' 'bout that. Wot's to pay ?" " One dollar." "One what 1 ?" " A dollar, sir." " A dev 1 mean that is 'od fergive me for swarm' but, Mister, ain't you mistak'n ?" "No, sir." "0, git aout! you're jokin'!" "No,ttY." "Wai, now, luke yere stranger. You wusn't long abaout it." " I know it, sir" " And a dollar for less'n a mink's work ain't 'zackly deuin's yeu'd be dun by swan 'taint !" " A dollar is my price, sir." " A dollar ! Thunder and brickbats! yeu don't mean it!" I do, indeed, sir." Wai ef I must yere's yer money." Thank you." I've hed a teooth pulled afore." " So I perceive all but the stump." " And it tuk the doctor more'n an hour to deu it !" Possible ? " 162 STRAY SUBJECTS. " He jes bed teu drag me raound the room, fore an' aft, twenty times and when he lost his < grip,' he'd take a'holt agin smarter'n ever ! It wus the reel nat'rail kind o' labour" Astonishing !" "An' he didn't charge me but twenty-five cents /" " He was very reasonable." "Wai, Mr. Dentiss I b'lieve that's yure name which way is it teu the Franklin House ?" " Directly round the corner, sir." " Whorl" " Round the first corner." " Devil it is ! Wy I gin a cab feller half-a- dollar to take me to the first doctor's and he rode me raound a dozen streets, to git here!" and muttering a curse upon toothaches, dentists, and cab-drivers he repaired to the hotel, brought out his luggage himself, and trudg ed to the Western cars declaring he would never stop in < Feledelfy' again until he had a bigger pile of ' tin* than he was blessed with on his first visit ! G. P. B. SELLING "JONAS" AT THE TREMONT HOUSE. THE BROWNS and the SMITHS have much to answer for, verily and it would need a heap of tears to blot out the record of their short-comings! Brown alias Smith, is not an every-day cognomen, but occasionally it may be seen in print. Who doesn't know friend WHITCOMB, of the Tremont House, in Boston ? Far as extends the fame of this popular and noted Hotel, so far is < JONAS' known for his gentlemanly character and uniform civility. But in an unlucky moment, lately, despite the world-wide reputation of our friend for his far-sightedness Jonas was < picked up !' All the l Job Trotters' are not dead yet ! On the last Sunday in October, Jonas sat cosily enjoy ing his regalia after dinner, when a smooth-faced individual, with a clean white neckerchief about his throat, entered the { office' of the Tremont, in search of the proprietor, Mr. Tucker, who happened to be absent from town. Mr. Whitcomb was all attention, and with no more than his customary blandness of manner, proffered his ser vices, which the stranger promptly declined, and, with a melancholy sigh, turned to depart. " In Mr. Tucker's absence," said the obliging clerk, " perhaps I might answer." " No sir we are strangers." 164 STRAY SUBJECTS. If I might presume to inquire, " gently urged Jonas " No no ! Mr. Tucker knows me, but never mind," continued the stranger, and a bandanna passed over his handsome countenance, as another deep-drawn sigh escaped him ! This was too much for the big heart of the gentle manly book-keeper, who again urged the stranger to disclose his melancholy business. " Well, sir, if I must expose my troubles, I know oi no one more worthy of my confidence than Mr. Whit- comb. I believe this is Mr. Whitcomb ?" " At your service, sir." " Of whom I have so often heard my good friend Mr. Tucker, remark, ' he is my right hand, sir, that Whit- comb !' " " What can I do for you, my dear sir?" continued Jonas, who was very deeply moved by this friendly allusion. " Oh, nothing that is, a trifle, sir, a mere trifle just now." " I have lost" and big tears choked the sufferer's utterance. " Oh, sir, it is dreadful ; but I have just lost my poor, dear wife ! She expired last night I cannot see my employer, to-day and a coffin must be had. I shall never" " Nay, my dear sir ! give yourself no uneasiness. How much will suffice?" asked Jonas, as he put one hand into his pocket, and with the other wiped away a brace of tears from his eyes almost as big as walnuts ! " Ten dollars will be ample, sir." Here it Is." BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. 165 The stranger was about to press his hand, (though just at this moment, he appeared for the first time to be in a hurry !) but Mr. Whitcomb needed no thanks. "No, sir no. Go and bury your wife; it's all right, sir, don't say a word," and the stranger departed with the X. An hour afterwards, Jonas conversed with some friends and suddenly < smelt a rat!' He had been sold by ' Billy Southack' alias Smith, alias Brown for a ten-spot ! * " You may laugh, gentlemen," observes Mr. Whit- comb, soberly, as the joke is repeated in the house " but I tell you, it was cheap, at the price ; experience costs something, gentlemen. Mr. Brown, or Mr. Smith, or Mr. Whoever-he-is, is welcome to the money ; it was worth a ten-spot to see the cuss weep /" G. P. B. BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. THE above title figures very conspicuously in children's picture-books and playbills, being, in the former, the infallible precursor of a tale wherein some generous juvenile who has given away his pocket-money to a blind beggar receives a great deal more money than he gave away, as well as a Noah's ark and a peg-top from some delighted grandfather or doting aunt. And on the stage, whenever the hero, on being appealed to by a very tight-waisted sailor with a very small bundle who comes to him with a woful tale of shipwreck, places a 14 166 STRAY SUBJECTS. purse in his hands, and drawing the back of his right hand across his eyes, says, in a tone of plaintive hoarse ness, "there that is the fruit of a life's hard labour, reserved to buy yon cottage, where I live ; but take it ; it is yours ;" and when the sailor, after asserting that he can never take the last plank from a drowning man, refers to his organs of vision, and says something about his ' pumps being set a going,' winding up with a little profanity, supposed to indicate his < heart's being in the right place :' then, we say, instead of the sailor's prov ing an impostor and the charitable hero's ruining him self for nothing, either the sailor turns out to be an admiral and an uncle, with a red face, knee-buckles, and < plenty of shot in the locker,' who puts his long- unseen nephew to the test preparatory to making his fortune, or else some other incredible thing happens by which < benevolence' is < rewarded,' and the curtain falls on three or four people who express their felicity by bowing in a very stately manner with their hands to their hearts. All this is very well for picture-books and play-houses, and young ladies in particular may shed tears over it and think it ' sweet pretty ;' but in actual life, though generosity is its own reward, we don't think that fortune too frequently favours the benevolent. By way of illustration we will relate the following fact. Two or three years ago, on the eve of Thanksgiving, a very worthy mechanic purchased a lot of turkeys of a countryman who lived at a great distance and was in a great hurry to get home, at a very moderate price. He might have realized a very handsome profit on the bargain, but being a very good-hearted fellow, he thought he would dispose of them to his shopmates at the same price he BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. 167 had paid himself, viz : about seven cents a pound. One would have thought that this course would have earned grateful thanks and civilities at least. Not so the pur chasers of the turkeys being a mischievous set and very fond of a good joke, especially at other people's expense, laid their heads together, and the result was a cruel trick upon their benevolent friend. On the morning after the latter had sold all his turkeys, one of the purchasers sought him out with a small par cel in his hand. " Come, now, Mr. Sawpht," said he ; " you're a deep one ain't ye ? I thought them turkeys was amazin' cheap seven cents but if turkey's cheap at seven cents, granite screenings ain't, by a long chalk !" " Granite screenings /" "Yes granite screenings! You needn't look so mild and honest. You can't come it over this individual. Look a here confound your painted picture." So saying, and with well-simulated wrath, the spokes man opened his bundle and produced a lot of heavy stones. " There," said he ; " all them 'ere came out of that 'ere turkey which I bought of you last night, you miser able sinner. Ain't you 'shamed for to come for to go for to play off sich a trick on a shopmate ?" " My dear fellow," said Mr. Sawpht, aghast ; " I didn't know anything 'bout the stones." " Wai ; you believe your eyes, don't ye ?" " Of course of course and I'll heft the stones and deduct I'll make it all square right off. But," added the mild Mr. Sawpht, kindling into unwonted pas sion, "ef I could only come across that ere Vermonter 168 STRAY SUBJECTS. which I was took in by, if I wouldn't spile his picter, bust my boots and gallowses !" "Hellow! Sawpht!" sung out half-a-dozen voices altogether ; " You're a nice man, I don't think" Pa- vin' stones has riz, hasn't they?" "Ever heered of feedin' turkeys onto rocks ?" &c., &c. And half-a-dozen turkeys, containing many geologi cal specimens, were thrust into the very face and eyes of our benevolent friend. " Gentlemen ! gentlemen !" roared Mr. Sawpht " spar me spar my feelin's. Jest hear me, and then strike me, if you can, as Themistocles very mildly ob served to Richard the Third at the Battle of Bunker Hill. I'm willin' to make restitution ! Ef / was took in, you shan't be no how. I move that we adjourn to Bill Stephen's grocery, whar I'll weigh the stones, and refund the money." The motion was carried by acclamation. They ad journed to Bill's, and there our unfortunate friend com menced weighing granite, enlivening his occupation by sundry invectives directed against the turkey-dealer. " Tew pounds fourteen cents darn his ugly picter ! and a half I hain't got no half cent, but take four. Seven pounds! consarn his soul! Salvation! what a rock that was ! Two thirty-seven, sir ! Enough to build a meeting-'us ! Ten pounds I'm bust, by gravy !" As ill luck would have it, on Thanksgiving evening, the mild and benevolent Mr. Sawpht chanced, in a pub lic thoroughfare, to encounter the turkey-dealer, whom some unforeseen occurrence had detained in Boston. Although a perfectly sober man, Mr. S. became instantly intoxicated with passion. Not to amplify, the result " One of bin eyes was in deep mourning, and his nose (none of the handsomest, by the way) was quite askew." Page 160. BENEVOLENCE REWARDED. 169 was an aggravated assault on the turkey-dealer, who, en raged at being thus wantonly assailed and doubly out raged in being charged with fraud, paid back with interest the blows he took. After performing prodigies of valour, Mr. Sawpht was captured by a couple of the < moon's minions' who chanced to be awake, and passed the remainder of the night in the lock-up. Ten hours of sleepless agony did not render his appearance very prepossessing, as he stood up at the bar of the Po lice Court the next morning, and Mr. Justice , who always judged a man by his looks, not only fined him five dollars and costs for the assault, but also assured him that his entrance into the House of Correction was probably not far distant. And one of the morning papers, under its police head, gave the following < first- rate notice' of our friend: "POLICE COURT. " BEFORE JUDGE . " Yesterday morning, an ill-looking fellow, calling him self James Sawpht, evidently just recovered from a Thanksgiving spree, was brought up, charged by a Mr. Elphineas Horrikins of Vermont, with an unprovoked assault upon him on the evening of the day previous. The watchmen were witnesses of the affray and testified strongly. We were glad to see that Mr. Horrikins marked his man pretty thoroughly in the course of the skirmish. One of his eyes was in deep mourning, and his nose (none of the handsomest, by the way) was quite askew. The fellow talked very incoherently about tur keys, the result probably of one of those mental delu sions to which the intemperate are so subject, as we L 170 STRAY SUBJECTS. could see no signs of any < turkey' beyond what the fel low himself had on. His Honour lectured him very severely on his habits and on his offence, and mildly re marked that he should impose on him the heaviest penalty which the law permitted, and he hoped sincerely he would remember it until he was brought up again, which he assured him would be shortly, for some yet more heinous misdemeanour, when it would give him great pleasure to save society from his dangerous con tact, and to save him from himself, by assigning him a six months' residence in the House of Correction. The hardened ruffian seemed to listen to these paternal ad monitions with the most stoical indifference, but they gave great satisfaction to the two watchmen ; and a little boy who was awaiting trial in a case of aggravated wooden-comb peddling, was melted to tears." We shall not follow Mr, Sawpht into the bosom of his afflicted family, but lest any of our readers should think too hardly of his fellow-craftsmen, we will add that the conspirators in this case finally made up the amount of Mr. Sawpht's fine, and in the course of a year restored the amount of which they had defrauded him ; but to this day he is wholly ignorant of their treachery, and only wishes he " could have one more lick at that 'ere turkey-dealer where there warn't no watchmen." F. A. D. "DOING" A LANDLORD. IN the course of a journey Westward some years ago we chanced to be witness to the following specimen of nonchalance which we set down as one of the coolest pieces of genteel swindling we ever encountered. A biped of the genus ' sucker' had been tarrying for several days in one of the < crack' hotels in York State, and his only reply to the third weekly bill presented by his obsequious and obliging host, was, that < he lacked the needful !' He had been lavish in his style of living, and his bill for wines, cigars, and accompaniments, was by no means an inconsiderable feature in the account. The young { gentleman' was in his room with a trio of boon companions, and ringing the bell, he ordered the champagne and fixin's for four. The servant returned from below with the information that the landlord de clined to enlarge his indebtedness accompanied with a hint that the old account should be first adjusted. He immediately waited upon the landlord, remonstrated with him touching the mortification attendant upon being thus shown up before his friends the wine was sent up the party frolicked, and finally separated, and the next morning, after breakfast, the following scene occurred. " Mr. " said the polite landlord " I must now insist upon the immediate adjustment of your account." " Can't meet it, sir, to-day, really!" "And why not, sir?" 172 STRAY SUBJECTS. Haven't the tin by me, sir." " And you probably won't have ?" " Probably not, sir, at present." " When do you propose to settle it ?" " Couldn't say, sir, 'pon my honour.' "Have you the slightest idea of paying it at " I confess, sir, the prospect is exceedingly dubious !" " Your luggage" " Is in my room, sir." " I shall detain your trunks, then." "Do if you please, sir!" " The largest" " Is filled with wood, sir!" "With wood?" " The best kind of Eastern wood." And the other" " Contains the same article, sawed and split! 11 " And your wardrobe" " Is on my back, sir." "Upon my word, you take it coolly." " I always do, landlord. The world owes me a living, and I must have it." " You are a scoundrel, sir." " I know it. You, sir, are a gentleman, and I am aware that I" Our host stopped him bit his lips but a moment afterward, turned to the bar and placed a bottle of wine upon the side-table near by. Having filled a brace of glasses, he handed one of them to the sucker, and the liquor disappeared. He then presented him a vase filled with 'regalias.' "Take another" said the landlord, in the politest " DOING" A LANDLORD. 173 possible manner "take half-a-dozen, sir, there that will do. The world may < owe you a living,' perhaps it does. I think you will agree with me, however, that I have paid my share of tlie account. I have in my day seen a good deal of impudence, and my calling has brought me in contact with a great variety of rascality ; but I must say, without intending, however, to be too personal in this matter, that, without exception, you are the coolest specimen of a genuine scamp that it has ever been my ill luck to meet with John !" A burly servant answered this summons. " John remove this fellow to the street and if you value your situation, see that he doesn't return !" The hint was enough our customer didn't wait for further demonstrations but immediately decamped to t do' some other host, while his gentlemanly landlord proceeded to examine those trunks, the contents of which, as it turned out, had been faithfully described ! G. P. B. HOW THE YANKEE MADE A QUARTER. A LARGE-MOUTHED, raw-boned Yankee stood upon the side of T Wharf, one day this fall when the Eastern Steamboat lines were at the height of their competition, and as he munched a hard-looking 'greening,' he seemed intently interested in the movements of the throng who were rushing over the gang-plank, aboard the fine steam er C , bound down East. The steam was well up upon both boats, which lay rolling, and backing, and filling, from the action of the paddles, at the dock, but the steam was higher < up' on the landing, among the { runners' who were urging customers to take passage each upon their favourite craft. "Oh, she'll bust her biler, this trip sure" remarked one of the agents aloud, alluding to the opposition. " Wai she hain't done it yit, old covey," said the other " an' yew can't say so much o' yure tub, any how.' Ware's the bote as gives a quarter to carry folks ?" inquired a woman in rusty weeds. " This way, mum." " Well there ain't no danger, you say" None in the world, mum," replied the agent as he passed the woman aboard. f' But I hevn't gut the quarter, yit." HOW THE YANKEE MADE A QUARTER. 175 Beg pardin, mum" and the accommodating run ner slipped a quarter into her open hand. " It's a good 'un, I 'spose ?" " Ginewine, mum" " Wai I hain't my spe'tacles by me but ole people is 50 likely teu be imposed upun." Thank'ee, mum." " An' you say the boat's safe ?" " I hevn't the soughest dight un it, mum" and the lady disappeared along the passage, towards the cabin, stooping very low to avoid a crack on the nob, as she passed under the revolving paddle-crank which was at least three feet above her height any how ! " Afo' /go aboa'd Mister Wot's-yer-name" bawl ed our Yankee friend, appearing at the gangway " I'll take that quarter. Thank'ee." " Pass along, sir." . " yaas, I'll pass along ; but thar's wun triflin' matter, old feller, as I'd like to hev reg'larly understood, as 'tween you an' I" " Wul, sir." " Ef I compr'end the contrac' you taiks people daown and back, and gives 'em a quarter each way!" "Very well" " Yes. It's all very well, I know but perhaps yeu'd like ter git this child daown thar, 'n then let him git back agin as may be 'greeable to the consarn, hereabouts." "You can return at the reg'lar price." " Thar needn't be no ewasion o' the subjeck, Mister Wot's-name. You've paid me the wun quarter fer goin' but I duzzent purceed no furder, / duzzent, 'nless I'm skewered agin impersition !" 176 STRAY SUBJECTS. " Wat der you mean you chowder-head ?" " Wai, leave out the big words, cap'n cos I reckon you can't skeer this individooal, much. Thar's the oppersishun a puffin and bloin', yunder 'n I kin go rite strait in her, 'f thar's anny dispute." " Wull, it'll all be right, my good man." " Wai I've heern tell abaout that but I tell you I want the other quarter, afo' we start." " Ml ashore's again"* /" shouted the mate, at the side, and a rush of spare steam burst from the pipe, as the surplus crowd hurried ashore. " 'od ha' massy ! Wot's bust ?" cried the Yan kee, as he joined the deserters. " Here! you blasted fool" bawled the agent. " No yer don't, cap'n I hain't but the toun quarter, I tell yer 'n this child isn't tew be tuk in by no sich frog-mouths as yew, no how" and suiting the action to the word, he gained a foothold on the wharf just as the plank was drawn aboard. "I'll remember you, my fine fellow" shouted the agent. " Dew, 'f you please, nabur," returned the Yankee, and raising his voice to a higher pitch, as the steamer rounded away, he added " And I say, Mister don't fergit the other quarter, on the comin' back !" G. P. B. AN AMATEUR PRESIDENT. AT the time President Polk was making his late tour through the North, I chanced to get on board the steamer at New York, which was bound for New Haven the route selected by his Excellency, on his way to Boston. Upon our arrival at the < City of Elms,' a very large concourse of people had assembled upon the wharf where we were to land, while upon the opposite side of the slip, a score of loafers from the < unwashed democra cy' had got together for the purpose of seeing a live President. The boat rounded to at the dock, and the Committee-men on board, who had the < lion' in charge, in their anxiety to satisfy the sovereign people that they belonged to the show, did not observe the crowd who were directly ahead of the boat, as she neared the wharf and mistook the 'handful of democrats' who stood on the left, for the Reception Committee. The President was passed up to the rail, where he uncovered, bowed, and waved his hat but the bump kins below took no notice of the gestures, save to gape at each other, as if they would like to know what all that exertion meant ! While this was going on, a brace of wags who had observed the mistake, seized upon an acquaintance, and passed him up to the other side of the boat, where the real Committee were in waiting. He removed his cas tor, politely bowed, and smiled and the Committee 178 STRAY SUBJECTS. in turn raised their beavers, bowed, scraped, looked amia ble, and then proposed " three cheers for the President!" A shout went up from the multitude, which startled the Committee on board, who turned about and at once discovered that they were on the wrong side of the boat ! The President was immediately conducted to the opposite side, and the wags retired but the thing was up ! The Reception Committee had re-covered ; they saw the c gentleman in black'' but it was no go ; and with a glance at his Excellency and attendants, as much as to say : You can't come none of your nonsense over us" they left the party looking over the side, and moved towards the gang- way to embrace the earliest opportunity to exhibit their allegiance to the supposed President, when he should reappear below ! Our friend, not dreaming of the extent to which his joke had been carried, stepped upon the dock, when, at the signal by the head Committee-man, (who " knew Jimmy Polk, jes like a book!") another shout went up for the President of the United States and the officious gentlemen, hats in hand, insisted upon conducting the wag and his companions to a carriage in waiting for their illustrious guest and suite ! The innocent joker now mistaking the chief Committee- man for a well-dressed hotel porter, coolly informed him that he " didn't want a hack, and would rather walk." Meantime the clumsy attache had managed to get into position again the President appeared the joke ran through the crowd a laugh followed it " three times three" for the President, followed that His Excellency entered his carriage, and the stranger with his friends disappeared amidst the roar of the multitude . G. P. B A MODEL OYSTER SHOP. WE have a word to say about oysters ; and the popu larity of the subject would excuse us, if we were twice as tedious as we mean to be. Few people dislike this luscious shell-fish. Aged men are not averse to oysters, and < children cry for them' just as they are supposed to cry for Sherman's Lozenges. So exquisite is the de lectation of the palate in the consumption of this fish, that universal opinion seems to have settled as a primal condition to its enjoyment, that oysters must be eaten in secret ; that no noise and bustle, and garish worldly display, no covetous, or even unsympathizing eyes should intrude upon the oyster-eater. The true oyster- eater is a modest man. There are beings, destitute of delicacy or refinement, people who eat for the mere pur pose of satisfying hunger, who eat oysters with as little responsibility as they would clams or potatoes. Such fellows can gorge themselves at a stall in the open street, in the presence of a multitude, and wonder why men of finer mould require deep alcoves and silken curtains, and soft carpets, that give back no echo to the tread. They would be lost at Florence's dismayed, perplexed. It was our chance lately, when we had let our usual dinner-hour slip by unheeded, to find ourselves in a re mote quarter of the city, with a certain internal ' remind er,' as Mr. Richard Swiyeller said, of the wants of human nature. Hard by rose a neat ' ten-footer,' with a gor geous sign over the door, whereon was emblazoned thft t 180 STRAY SUBJECTS. attractive and talismanic word OYSTERS.' Various little hints and professions were uttered by squares of paper pasted in the window-panes such as < stewed,' 1 roasted,' < fresh from the shell,' &c. Being somewhat hungry, we entered rapidly, and rashly ordered an oys ter-stew upon the threshold. The proprietor of the establishment, a thinnish man, with no hair or eyebrows, and eyelashes of the colour of faded gingerbread, prepared to comply with the demand, while we cast a hurried glance around us. We saw that we had been entrapped. The room was bare and dismal, with a sanded floor. There was no alcove, no curtains, and but one table, a little slab, rather than a table, covered with green oil cloth ; and the stool beside it was so shrivelled up and meagre, that it appeared to threaten impalement to any one who should intrust it with his person. The oyster- man relieved the tedium of preparation, by asking a great many questions relative to his operation : demand ing to know whether he had put in milk enough, if he shouldn't add a leetle grain more butter, parenthetically stating that butter had ' riz,' but generously adding that the fact made no sort of odds ; and all as if we were bound to act as cook, and superintend our own meal. At length the oysters were placed before us, accompanied by a dropsical greenish bottle, the inner sides of which were covered with thick patches of tomato ketchup, that clung like leeches to the glass ; a loaferish tin pepper box, that had been in a good many hard fights, and got its head knocked out of shape, so that standing with its handle akimbo, and its perforated top flattened and bent, it had the most rakish air imaginable ; and a small plate containing some fossil remains of a petrified cab- "He remarked: 'Oysters don't look numerous in a big bowl.'" Page 181. A MODEL OYSTER SHOP. 181 bage stump steeped in cider, intended to represent cold slaw. The oyster-man, after setting down the bowl, sat himself down on a rickety chair hard by, and nodding familiarly at us, said in a cheerful tone of encourage ment, " Now, then, go to work!" Observing us to grope hopelessly about for an oyster, the half-dozen that were in the mess being so attenuated as to elude all the scoops of the iron spoon, he remarked : " Oysters don't look numerous in a big bowl." Apologizing for the tenuity of one we finally succeeded in entrapping, he added, that " cooking oysters allers srunk 'em up," and had the hardihood to assert that the one in question was "as big as his hand when it came out of the shell." We swallowed his impertinence and his oysters, in dis gust : and never was a ninepence more reluctantly paid, or more inadequately deserved, than that we left upon his counter. We shook the sand of that shop from our feet, as we emerged into the street, and we mentally resolved to draw its likeness, as the antipodes of all it ought to be, and to show it up as a warning to all men who might be tempted to go into the oyster business, without taste for their craft, or consciences for their customers. F. A. D. THE GEEAT WESTERN PIE-EATER. AWAY down in ' Coony Hollow,' you know where Coony Hollow is it is the valley through which flows the. famous < Salt River,' so well known among politicians. Well, away down in Coony Hollow, long time ago there lived as worthy a landlord as ever put carver into a mutton haunch liberal to a fault was he kind, generous, hospitable ; but he was unfortunate in having thrust upon him, in an evil hour, a < boarder,' who had well nigh devoured him of his substance. He was a good-hearted man, was this landlord obliging and friendly and for the world, he could not personally offend any one ! His < boarder' had a tape worm, poor fellow ! he couldn't help it but such an EATER! Well might he fix upon the West (where provisions were plenty) for his abiding-place ! He was known for fifty miles the country round, as the < great pie-eater !' We stopped (a 'nice party' of us) at this hotel, where we observed the disgusting voracity of this man, and heard the meek landlord remark, " It's orful, gentle men, orful such gormandizing!" We proposed to our worthy host a plan to rid him of the monster. " No, gentlemen, it can't be done. Everybody is acquainted with him ; he has eaten out' the best half of the town ; the rest know him. It's no use !" " Leave that to me," said the most knowin 1 'un of 182 THE GREAT WESTERN PIE- EATER. 183 the party ; and it was resolved that it should be ( tried on.' In the event of failure to start the glutton, we were to pay the expenses ; if our plan succeeded, the landlord was to foot the bill, and stand treat.' It was Thanksgiving Day. A sumptuous dinner was served, and the roast turkeys and accompaniments were 1 numerous' on the occasion. It was agreed that an enormous pumpkin pie should be built, in a huge earth en platter, and when the monster called for pie, it was to be placed before him with a ladle ! His custom was to devour three or four ordinary pies, after dining, every day, and we believed this hint would drive the animal out. Seats for five at table opposite the proposed victim, were turned down for our party, and everything passed along just as we would have it. The pie-eater gorged himself with sundry turkeys and fixin's, and called for pie. The table was cleared for a considerable space in front of him, and Edward, the waiter, placed before him the platter (two feet in diameter), filled with pumpkin and pastry. A large spoon was handed him his eyes dilated his mouth watered his cheeks glowed but at it he went, and to the utter astonishment of the crowd, he bolted the entire contents, concluding by carefully licking the spoon ! " Edward !" said he, as soon as he could get breath, "bring me another pie, Edward!" and the servant turned to the side-table, and handed our friend an ordi nary pie. " Oh, that ain't no manner o' use," said the glutton ; " bring me another o' the big 'wns ."' "All gone, sir '" said Edward ; and as the < boarder* 184 STRAY SUBJECTS. thrust the pie into his mouth with a sigh of disappoint ment, the party left the dining-hall ! The bill was paid, and shortly afterward we were on our way down the river our knoioiri* friend's face elongated full < a feet !' I never see Thanksgiving Day, when I do not think of that voracious PUMPKIN PIE-EATER ! G. P. B. "SAWING" AN INSPECTOR. IN one of our maritime ports of entry, a few years back, on the accession of a new administration, a very verdant youth from the interior presented himself at the Custom House in Boston, and was duly sworn and pos sessed of his commission as { Inspector of the Customs for the port of Boston,' and was also duly impressed with all the importance and gravity of his new duties. As he seemed a very promising subject, a wag of a brother- inspector, who had received an intimation that his services would shortly be dispensed with by the Government, and who was intrusted with the indoctrination of the more fortunate individual, resolved to revive in his be half all the UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY This book is DUE on the last date stamped below 15 ^1944 0C 1 JW4 1947 DEC 2 6 195 DEC 2 RECO AN 1 9 1957 fB c APR 24197? Form L-8 20m-l,'42(831) OlSCH^'^h-URL APR i 3 138! MAY 01 1981 UR( JUN 8/382 o 1 1982 JAN to LOS ANGELES LIBRARY PS 2649 Porte 15* rr Vl $ 1158 00668 ' UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY AA 000160104 6