THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX; OR, THE COMING WOMAN, A PROPHETIC DRAMA, FOLLOWED BY A CHANGE OF BASE, DOCTOR MONDSCHETN. \ , NJNTH BOSTON: LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY. 1869. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1868, by LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY, in the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts, * \ UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW. & Co., CAMBRIDGE. C$3 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX; OR, TH.E COMING WOMAN, A PROPHETIC DRAMA. 3811 NOTE. THIS play was not written for the stage, nor with any view to publication, but simply for amateur performance ; and therefore all scenery, stage-properties, &c., were purposely dispensed with, and the action limited by the resources of a drawing-room. The other little pieces were written two years ago, with the same object, and under the same restrictions. CHESTNUT HILL, March, 1868. CHARACTERS. TOM CARBERRY. MR. WIGFALL. WOLVERINE GRIFFIN. MRS. BADGER. VlCTORINE. THE JUDGE. The supposed period of this play is the year 1876. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. ACT I. SCENE I. A Waiting-room in a Railway Station; hung with Time Talks for 1876 of Pacific] &&Jroad, >dir&:t route to Alaska, Walrussia, . and Nootka Sound, &>c. &*c. Enter Carberry:, t , /,\ | - % j " . ( * -: CARBERRY. Provoking ! to wait here an hour when I m in a hurry to get back to Boston ! I arrived from China yesterday, after ten years absence, took the first train, and just as I am almost in sight of the State House, the engine breaks down here at Newton Corner ! However, I must make the best of it Luckily I have this morning s paper. {Lights a cigar, and takes out a newspaper.} " B OS ton Daily Advertiser, September 25, 1876." It is incredible that I have lived ten years without the "Daily"! I have heard nothing about Boston since I left it, so I suppose I shall find some changes. I wonder who the Bank Presidents are now. (Reads.) " Merchants Insurance Company, President, Julia Backbay." Julia f Misprint, I suppose. "Firewomens Insurance Company." 10 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Pshaw ! what a qjireless compositor ! . . . . (Read;.} " Wanted, as Porter in a store, a good, stout .... WIDOW-WOMAN." .... What a very extraordinary thing ! . . . . (Reads.) " The Freemasons secret di vulged by a lady" .... Some fool told his wife, I suppose (Reads.) " The Boston Independent Cadets paraded yesterday on the Common. A new feature was the introduction of the Parasol-Bayonet to shield the complexions of our fair and gallant Militia from the sun. The parasol is of bhie silk, attached to the pcint of the Bayonet, and the effect on the march is exceedingly ,neat and imposing." .... I never heard anything equal to that ! Soldiers with sunshades ! One would think they were a parcel of girls ! It s time for another war. Enter MRS. BADGER in Bloomer costtime. She nods ; CARBERRY bows politely. MRS. BADGER. How are you, sir? Cigar, please. CARBERRY. Madam, I m sorry you object to smoking, but I took this for the gentlemen s waiting-room. MRS. BADGER. Object? What do you mean ? I want a light. CARBERRY. Oh, I beg your pardon. I was not aware. (Aside.) Queer-looking female ! [Gives her a light and returns to his paper. MRS. BADGE R also takes out a newspaper. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. II MRS. BADGER. Bad accident to the "Amazon," sir. CARBERRY. What s that? MRS. BADGER. Portland Steamer, Captain a particular friend of mine, Jane Smith, lost her reckoning, and ran aground on Cape Cod. Jane always was a hen-headed thing ! CARBERRY. I don t think I quite understand you. MRS. BADGER (reading). But the "Transcript" says, "No blame at tached to the lady-like Captain, who was suffering under a severe attack of neuralgia. At the time of the accident our informant was talking to the woman at the wheel." .... Ah ! that was the trouble. CARBERRY (aside}. I don t know what she means. (A pause.} MRS. BADGER. Bad business that of the Boston City Govern ment. It has all come out, you know, Shame ful misappropriation of the public money ! CARBERRY. What did they do ? 12 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. MRS. BADGER. * Voted themselves each a Cashmere shawl, worth a thousand dollars. Tax-payers must see to it at the next election. CARBERRY. What on earth should the City Government do with Cashmere shawls ? MRS. BADGER. Do ? wear them, of course. (Reads her newspaper.) CARBERRY (aside}. They must look very ridiculous ! Middle-aged men in fancy shawls ! Dear me ! I hope it is n t the fashion here for everybody. I should feel like a fool. MRS. BADGER. We manage these things better at the Centre. No bribery and corruption there. CARBERRY. What centre ? Washington ? MRS. BADGER. Newton Centre, Stupid. CARBERRY. Oh, I beg your pardon. (A pause.) MRS. BADGER. Going to Boston, sir ? THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 13 CARBERRY. Yes, madam. I am returning after an absence of. several years. MRS. BADGER. Going to live in Boston, sir ? CARBERRY (aside). Inquisitive ! (Aloud.) No, madam, I am only going to see some old friends. After that, I shall live in the country. MRS. BADGER. Where ? CARBERRY. At Chestnut Hill, if you must know. MRS. BADGER. Chestnut Hill ! that s in my district. I m your assessor. CARBERRY. I beg your pardon ? MRS. BADGER. What s your name ? CARBERRY. Thomas Carberry, if you desire it. MRS. BADGER (taking out a note-book). What s your income ? 14 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY. Madam ! MRS. BADGER. Professional, or derived from property ? CARBERRY. Excuse me, madam, if I question your right to ask me. MRS. BADGER. Right ! of course I Ve a right. What s your income ? CARBERRY. I decline to answer. MRS. BADGER. O, you must, you know, the law compels you. CARBERRY (aside]. This woman is certainly deranged. MRS. BADGER. You 11 be fme d or imprisoned if you refuse to answer my questions. CARBERRY (aside). She s mad, I see it in her eye, unpleasant to be shut up with her here. A VOICE (without}. Cars coming for Worcester ! (Bell rings.) MRS. BADGER. That s my train. I m off to the Convention. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 15 Goodbye. I ll see you again about it, Carberry, there s my card. [Exit. CARBERRY (reading the card). " Mrs. Barbara Badger, Newton. Assessor of Internal Revenue for the ^th District" Singular delusion for a woman She certainly must have been crazy, and yet .... I can t explain these extraordinary things in the newspapers. .... Here they all are in black and white, and I can t understand a word of them Good Heavens ! what if I were a little out of my head myself? .... an effect of the voyage I have heard of such things ( Walks up and down in great agitation, feels his own pulse, goes to the other end of Waiting-room.} Enter VICTORINE WIGFALL in a shooting-dress, with gun, game- bag", <rv. VICTORINE. O ! how tired I am ! Tramping all the morn ing through bogs and briers, carrying this horrid gun, and I m afraid of it too ! CARBERRY (coming forward ). Pray let me relieve you of it, madam. (Taking it.} VICTORINE. ( Oh, thanks. I Ve been draggihg it about since sunrise, because some of my friends persuaded me it was good fun. But I think it s a downright humbug, and I 11 never do it again. 1 6 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY. Is it not something new for ladies to indulge in field sports ? VlCTORINE. New ? Oh no ; all the girls do. CARBERRY (putting down the gun and seeing her name on it). " Victorine Wigfall!" Why, it must be Joe Wigfall s daughter ! Allow me to introduce, my self .... an old friend of your father s .... Mr. Carberry. VICTORINE. Oh yes, indeed, papa will be delighted. He often talks of you. You have been in some out- of-the-way place, have n t you ? CARBERRY. In China. VICTORINE. Are there many curious spiders in China ? CARBERRY. Spiders ? VICTORINE. Yes. I m passionately fond of spiders . . . are you ? I ve got a beauty here. I found him this morning for my Collection. (Opens a box and pro duces a large black spider.} Is n t he lovely ? CARBERRY (recoiling). Ugh! THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. \J VlCTORINE. He s an Epeira Diadema. Do you want to take him ? . . . . No ? . . . . Why, are you afraid of spiders ? CARBERRY. I thought ladies were. I m quite surprised to find a young lady interested in insects. VICTORINE (wearily}. One must be interested in something, you know, id, to tell you the honest truth, horse- racing and dog-fighting bore me, and I m not much of a club-girl, and no sportswoman, so I Ve gone into spiders. CARBERRY (aside). There s something very odd about all this (Aloud.} When I was here last, young ladies in terested themselves chiefly in society. Is there no gaiety in Boston now ? VICTORINE. Parties, you mean ? I really can t tell you : I Ve hardly been to a party since my Sophomore year. I don t like them. It is so unpleasant asking gentlemen to dance .... they make such a favour of it, and the nicest ones are engaged ten deep And then they always want so much supper ! Really, after I Ve done helping my partner, I m so tired, that when I get home I Ve I 18 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. hardly strength to turn the latch-key. So I don t often go And yet I m fond of dancing too Are you ? CARBERRY. I have no doubt I should be, with such a charm ing partner, but I m afraid I have n t much experience. VICTORINE. Oh, does n t your father let you dance round dances ? CARBERRY (pitzzled}. My father? VICTORINE. Why, that s what so many young men say. But 7 think it is only an excuse, because they are too lazy. CARBERRY. Society seems to have changed very much, for, when I left Boston, the gentlemen always asked the ladies. VICTORINE. Oh, can you remember as far back as that ? 1 think it must have been pleasanter then for the girls, but mamma and Aunt Wolverine say I don t appreciate the blessings of emancipation. I don t. I should hate to vote .... and I d a great deal rather keep quiet, and be asked to dance, or to .... anything. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 19 CARBERRY. Miss Wigfall, such sentiments do you honour. A lady is never so charming as when adorned with modesty, of which I see the emblem in your violet eyes. VlCTORINE. How pretty ! Is that the way gentlemen used to talk ? Do go on. CARBERRY (aside). It s not so easy for a shy man to go on. VlCTORINE. I don t know anything about the old ways, for mamma says lovers were frivolous, and won t tell me, .... and I don t believe Aunt Wolverine ever had any, .... so I can t get much out of her. CARBERRY. The novels of the period would perhaps give you some idea. VlCTORINE. But all the old novels were burnt, you know, by order of the Ladies of the Legislature, because they represented Woman in her degraded state. They say there used to be a few at Loring s Library once, but he only keeps philosophical and scientific works now, and Mr. Putnam s Cook ery Book. 2O THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY. Do you mean to say you never read a novel ? VlCTORINE. Only "The Imperial Votress" and "The Maid of Saragossa." CARBERRY. No novels ! .... no parties ! No poetry, per haps, that would be a good thing. Miss Wig- fall, did you never hear of Tennyson ? VlCTORINE. O yes, indeed ! I have a beautiful song of his, " Come into the garden, George" I 11 sing it to you some day. But now do tell me about old times, for the train may be here any moment, and per haps I shall never have another chance. I want to know whether gentlemen really cared anything for ladies then ? CARBERRY. Certainly, I knew a great many fellows who were over head and ears in love with pretty girls. VlCTORINE. In love ! There ! I knew there was such a thing ! And what did they do and say ? CARBERRY (aside). What an embarrassing girl ! (Alottd.) I dare say you know from experience, Miss Wigfall. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 21 VlCTORINE. II n o, indeed, I never made an offer to anybody. CARBERRY. You ! Of course not. What did you think I meant ? VlCTORINE. Were you ever in love yourself ? CARBERRY. Never, never, I assure you. VlCTORINE. Oh, I wish you had been, for then you could have told me all about it But "those fellows" you spoke of, who were " over head and ears," what did they say ? I only want to know what it sounded like Can t you sigh ? just once ! CARBERRY (very much embarrassed}. Really, Miss Wigfall VlCTORINE. Were they so very awkward ? Come now, what did they say ? CARBERRY. Well, then .... they said .... they said .... A VOICE {without}. Train starting for Boston All aboard ! F VlCTORINE and CARBERRY snatch up guns ; bags, shawls, and rush out. 22 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. ACT II. Drawing-room in Mr. WigfalFs house in Boston. Mr. Wigfall sitting with a large work-basket, trying to darn his owfy stockings. Enter CARBERRY. CARBERRY. WIGFALL, old fellow, I am delighted to see you again. MR. WIGFALL (not recognizing}. Whom have I the honour, sir, to see ? . . . . CARBERRY (aside, looking at the stockings]. What on earth is he about there ? . . . . can he have gone mad like the rest? (Aloud.) So you don t know Tom Carberry after ten years ? MR. WIGFALL. Tom ! my dear fellow, where ? when ? how ? CARBERRY. From Shanghae, a sudden idea, arrived yesterday, took the first train, and here I am. I met your lovely girl, what s her name ? Glyce rine Bandoline Kerosene Victorine! at the Railway station, did n t she tell you ? THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 2$ MR. WlGFALL. I have n t seen her. She dined at the Club, I believe. CARBERRY. Indeed ! And how is your wife, charming as ever ? the only woman I was never afraid of MR. WlGFALL. Ah, my dear fellow, don t speak of her. CARBERRY. Why, you have n t had the misfortune to lose poor Susan ? . . . . MR. WIGFALL. No ; no such good no such bad luck. She s well in health, but .... CARBERRY. It is n t her mind, I hope ? MR. WIGFALL. Yes, Tom, it s her mind, though not in the way you mean. CARBERRY. You have n t separated, surely ? MR. WIGFALL. Oh, not at all, though I don t see much of her now. (Cries of a baby heard.} ExCUSC me, Tom, I must ruri) there s that strong-minded baby ! CARBERRY. You ? Why, where s the nurse ? 24 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. MR. WIGFALL. The nurse has gone to a primary meeting ! {Exit. CARBERRY. What on earth can he mean ? Re-enter MR. WIGFALL, carrying the baby, and singing " Bye, Baby Bunting" MR. WIGFALL. Hush . . . . sh She s going off .... I Jl be with you presently (Puts the baby in a cradle at the back of the room.} I keep her cradle down here, lately, because it is election time, you know, and the women can t attend to her. CARBERRY. Wigfall, one of us two is either drunk or crazy, and I m afraid it s I. What do you mean by nursery-maids and elections ? MR. WIGFALL. Did n t you know the ladies had gone to the front in America ? CARBERRY. I 11 be hanged if I understand you. MR. WIGFALL. Did n t you read our papers out there in Shang- hae? CARBERRY. Never ; nothing they said was true when they got there. THE SPIRIT OF. SEVENTY-SIX. 25 MR. WlGFALL. My dear fellow, you re behind the age. You went away in 66, before this infernal business of women s voting came up. That was the beginning of it all. At first they voted for their favourite generals and ministers, they got that idea from the Fairs they used to have in the war-time, but they soon gave them up, and began to elect each other. And now we are overrun by them. They re lawyers, ministers, tax-gatherers, every thing that s disagreeable ! CARBERRY. How appalling ! I can t comprehend it, for when I went away, the trouble was, that the women were entirely given up to extravagant dressing. MR. WIGFALL. I know, but times are changed. Then we lived under a Millinery Despotism. I wish we had it back ! CARBERRY. We used to complain a good deal about it, I remember. MR. WIGFALL. Tom, the present state of things is a judgment on us, we did not know when we were well off. Now the Ballot-box has crushed the Band-box flat. CARBERRY. You don t mean to say women no longer care how they look ? 26 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. MR. WiGFALL. Well, not quite that, -7- even my wife tries to get herself up like the Lord Chancellor, but it s nothing to what it used to be. It s cheaper now, but still, I regret old times, when women were women. Miss GRIFFIN (speaking to the servant behind the scenes}. Now, Bridget, be sure you vote the way I tell you to, and persuade all your friends, and I 11 give you a pair of real imitation gold ear-rings. MR. WIGFALL. Hang it, here s my sister-in-law ! She s the worst one I know. Enter Miss GRIFFIN. Miss GRIFFIN. Joseph, I Ve come to stay till Saturday, as I speak on Thursday in Faneuil Hall. MR. WIGFALL (introducing). Let me introduce Mr. Carberry, of Shanghae, Miss Wolverine Griffin, Selectwoman of New ton, Mass. Miss GRIFFIN. Happy to see you, sir. I Ve just got back from Worcester, Joseph. Great rally. All the distin guished women of the State were there. CARBERRY. Was it a baby-show ? THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 2? Miss GRIFFIN (indignantly). A baby-show ! Sir, it was the Female Areopa gus of the Modern Athens. Heard the news, Jo seph ? Glorious nomination ! MR. WlGFALL. No, not I. Gentlemen don t understand pol itics. Miss GRIFFIN. But you should try to, Joseph, if they interest your wife and your sister. Overwhelming majority for Hon. Charleyanna P. Fillebrown for Governess of the State. But nine against her, and they were only men. You 11 support her, won t you, Joseph ? MR. WlGFALL. It s as much as I can do to support myself. I sha n t make any promises. Miss GRIFFIN. You want some man, I suppose ! As if we had n t had enough of them ! MR. WlGFALL. By no means, my dear Wolverine. I am only disappointed that they did n t nominate you. Miss GRIFFIN. Well, you need n t flatter yourself that it s of the slightest consequence how you vote, for Sis ter Susan, and I, and Bridget, and the cook, and the parlour-maid, will make five to one against you in this house alone. But I can t waste my valu- 28 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. able time arguing with you, Joseph, one might as well talk to the winds. Men have such frivolous minds, they don t care for anything but dress and company. I don t mean you, Mr. Carberry ; I dare say you are an exception. CARBERRY. Everything seems to be exceptional, madam, so I suppose I am, too. Miss GRIFFIN. Pray, sir, what are Mrs. Carberry s political con victions ? CARBERRY. Madam, I have the misfortune to be unmarried MR. WlGFALL. Stick to it, Tom, stick to it ! {Returns to his baby. Miss GRIFFIN. Unmarried ! That will never do. No doubt you feel the isolation of your lot, unfitted as you are by nature to struggle with the rude world alone. CARBERRY. So far, I have got along pretty well, thank you, ma am. Miss GRIFFIN. But now you feel the need of female guidance and support. I understand you perfectly. Leave it to me. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 2Q CARBERRY. Madam, you are very kind, but I should n t think of troubling you with my affairs. Miss GRIFFIN. It is not the least trouble, I assure you. Am I not bound to help the weaker sex ? I could find you a wife immediately. I know exactly what you want. CARBERRY. That s more than I do myself. Miss GRIFFIN. You want a guide, philosopher, and friend ; so en course you would n t marry a baby. Then, as to rfiere wax-doll beauty, of course you don t care for that. You want a woman of majestic presence (Drawing herself up], mind, experience, heart, and, above all, sound political principles, which are the only sure foundation on which to erect the fabric of connubial bliss. CARBERRY. That s a new sort of foundation, is n t it ? like pile-driving, are you quite sure it won t "slump" ? Miss GRIFFIN. Oh, my dear sir, believe me, the first thing in choosing a wife is to ascertain her political princi ples. Be sure they are sound, and then go ahead. By the way, perhaps you would like to hear my littje speech before the Areopagus, published this 3<D THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX morning in that admirable paper " The Revolver." (Producing it.} Not very long, you see thir teen columns and a half. [CARBERRY and WIGFALL look at each other and groan. (Reads.} " The Hon. Wolverine Griffin then rose, and said: Fellow-Sisters. Woman now stands on the apex of the social Pyramid. Man is a mummy. The successful agitation of the Great Idea of Woman s Rights has worked results far transcending the fondest hopes of its originators. They demanded for Woman simple Equality with man, but Equality conceded, became the point up on which, resting the lever of her intellect, Woman has moved the world. She has succeeded where old Archimedes broke down. A hundred years ago it was thought a fine thing for a few Amer ican men to throw off the British Tyrant s yoke, but that was a trifling achievement, compared to the new Revolution, in which twenty millions of ladies have thrown off all restraint, and now plant their victorious feet on the neck of the Male Oppressor ! (Immense cheering.} Yes, fellow- sisters, the tocsin has sounded, the Great Ameri can Principle of Female Supremacy is spreading like wildfire, and the bloated old potentates of Europe shake on their rotten old thrones. (Applause.} Woman s pre-eminence is conspicuous in every department of literature and art. Poet esses, painteresses, sculptresses, triumphantly bear away the palm, and all admit that as an oratress THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 3! she has never been surpassed. (Cheers.} A dis tinguished lady-antiquary has recently discovered that the immortal Shakespeare was a woman, and this fact, while it settles the numerous con troversies as to who and what he, or rather she, was, is confirmed beyond the possibility of doubt by the ample internal evidence contained in his, or rather her, immortal pages. MR. WIGFALL. Thanks, don t tire yourself by reading anymore. Miss GRIFFIN. How you interrupt, Joseph ! Men never listen, they always want to talk themselves ! (Resuming. ) " Ancient Woman had immense opportunities, but unhappily she did not know it. Bowed to the earth as a sex, the few individuals who stood up were very conspicuous. Semiramis and Cleo patra both stood up in their day, and might have accomplished much, if they had kept clear of entangling alliances with men. Boadicea stood up, in her chariot (which by the way undoubtedly originated the idea of the modern mowing-ma chine, refuting those cavillers who assert that woman has invented nothing). Joan of Arc stood up in her day, in armour, cap-a-pie, and it worked well, till they made it too hot for her. Glancing rapidly at Queen Elizabeth, Mrs. John Milton, Christina of Sweden, Madame Roland, Joanna Southcote, and Mrs. Fry, who all stood up in their several departments, I come down to modern 32 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. times, and close the list of Ante-Revolutionary Heroines with the illustrious name of Mrs. Bloomer, the last of her sex who stood up entirely alone. She sowed the dragon s teeth which produced armed women from Cape Cod to Alaska. To-day all stand up, and notoriety is getting to be next to impossible. " That is only the commencement. But I must leave you now, as I am one of the committee appointed to take our Nominee by the hand, otherwise I d read you the whole Good bye. \Exit. CARBERRY and MR. WIGFALL (together). Thank Heaven ! Miss GRIFFIN (returning). I forgot to say, I am on the Finance Com mittee, great need of funds for the campaign. We want to circulate portraits of Charleyanna P. Fillebrown all over the State No use ask ing yoti, Joseph ? MR. WIGFALL. Not the slightest, but here is Mr. Carberry rolling in riches .... they call him the " China- Astor ! " CARBERRY (aside to WIGFALL). Confound you, Joe ! (Aloud). Madam, I never refuse a lady. Miss GRIFFIN (aside). Rolling in riches, and never refuses a lady, THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 33 I 11 make a note of that. (Aloud, graciously.} Shall I say $ 500 ? . . . . thank you. Perhaps you would like to give a little something towards the purchase of a steam fire-engine to be presented to Queen Emma of the Sandwich Islands by her admirers in this city, names of the subscribers to be elegantly engraved on the machine ? CARBERRY. Excuse me, ma am, but I hope Her Majesty won t be put out, if I prefer objects less remote. Miss GRIFFIN. Ah, then perhaps you would rather subscribe to the new Statue, about to be erected in the Pub lic Garden, after an original and comprehensive design by the gifted Miss Sculpin, sometimes called the Phidias of the West. The group con sists of a Colossal Bronze Egg, burnished like gold, which, cracking open, reveals Woman, lovely Woman, clad in complete armour, spread ing her new-fledged wings. The inscription is simply "INCUBATED AT BOSTON." Im agine the effect at sunset ! Could anything be finer ! Not to mention the beautiful bas-reliefs of myself and other great lady reformers, in bronze pantalettes, around the base. CARBERRY. Bronze ? I should think brass might be more appropriate. 2* C 34 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Miss GRIFFIN. Ah ! my dear sir, tin is what we want. Shall I say $ 300 ? CARBERRY. But, madam, I assure you I am wholly indiffer ent to .... Miss GRIFFIN. .... to money, in such a cause, I knew that would be your characteristic reply. So I will say $ 300 Thank you. Good evening ! . . . . good evening, Joseph. [Exit. MR. WIGFALL (solemnly). Are you aware, Carberry, of the awful fact, that there are two hundred thousand more women than men in Massachusetts alone ? CARBERRY. Oh, horrible, most horrible ! MR. WIGFALL. Yes, and every year it gets worse and worse, all the children now are girls. I Ve seven myself. ( The baby cries.} " Talk of the angel." There s my youngest now. [Goes to the cradle and hushes the baby. Enter JUDGE WIGFALL in robes, ermine, and long powdered wig, with a brief in her hand. CARBERRY (astonished}. Who can this be ? Joe ! THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 35 MR. WlGFALL (sitting down with the baby], Tom, this is Her Honour, Judge Wigfall, of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court. She s hen of the walk, now. CARBERRY. Good Heavens ! MR. WIGFALL. My dear, do you recognize an old friend ? JUDGE (to CARBERRY). Pardon me, sir, if I do not at once recall you. In what case did you appear before me ? CARBERRY. Case ? Susan ! Judge ! Don t you remember Tom Carberry ? JUDGE. Carberry, Carberry, versus whom ? MR. WIGFALL. Stuff and nonsense, my dear You recol lect Tom, went off to China ten years ago, don t be a goose. JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall ! Respect this Court ! MR. WIGFALL. You can t have forgotten our cosy evenings to gether, he and I smoking, and you darning the children s stockings. 36 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. JUDGE. I remember nothing before I was called to the Bar. MR. WlGFALL. And that famous pigeon-pie you made us your self the day we .... JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall ! ( To CARBERRY.) Sir, I dimly recall you now, and I welcome you back to this regener ated land. CARBERRY (bowing}. And permit me to congratulate you on your singular elevation. MR. WIGFALL (rocking the cradle]. Well, my dear, how was it to-day ? Plaintiff or defendant ? JUDGE. Pardon me, Mr. Wigfall, if I decline to make my grave judicial duties a subject of merriment for you. MR. WIGFALL. How often did you change your mind to-day ? JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall, I never change my mind. MR. WIGFALL. Oh, fie, fie ! Judges should n t tell fibs. Did n t I go to hear you try your first case ? THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 37 t JUDGE. I take no notice of idlers who hang round the Court-room. MR. WlGFALL. And did n t you first charge the jury to be sure and let the poor devil off, and when they had been out ten minutes, did n t you send for them back, on second thoughts, and charge them all over again to convict him ? JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall, you cannot be expected to under stand the intricacies of the law. During the inter val you allude to, I was informed by Mrs. Attorney- General Talker that the prisoner in question had been a noted and violent opponent of the Emanci pation of Women. MR. WIGFALL. And so that was your reason for having him convicted of forgery, eh ? JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall, Chief Justice Mansfield held that Judges should never give their reasons. More over, it is perfectly competent for me to change my mind without any reason, and had I done so twenty years ago, in your case, Mr. Wigfall, it would have been a wise decision. MR. WIGFALL. From which T should never have appealed ! 38 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. I JUDGE. Are you in one of the learned professions, Mr. Carberry ? CARBERRY. No, madam, I am a tea-merchant. JUDGE. The Male mind, as a rule, is unfitted for the learned professions, the law especially, from its habit of jumping to conclusions. We are slow in forming a judgment, it is true, but, once formed, it is unalterable. You agree with me, sir? CARBERRY (bowing). I should never think of differing from a lady. JUDGE. You mean that our opinions cannot fail to be correct, from the logical character of the Female mind ? CARBERRY. Exactly, madam, I have always observed it to be so. [During this conversation MR. WlGFALL is playing bo-peep with the baby, JUDGE. At the same time, as one of a Conservative Judiciary, I shall always tolerate Man in his prop er sphere, and never countenance .... (Suddenly THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 39 changing her tone.} Mr. Wigfall ! I wish you d take that child up stairs, I can t hear myself speak. .... MR. WIGFALL (aside to CARBERRY). Come, Tom, let s go and sit in the nursery. [Exit MR. WIGFALL with the baby, followed by CAR"BERRY. JUDGE. I say, I shall tolerate you in your proper sphere, and never countenance the popular doctrine of the complete Mental and Moral Inferiority of Man. I shall always be ready to guarantee your Equal Rights. (Looks round and sees no one.) Gone! While I was speaking ! how extraordinary ! Enter VICTOR: NE. VlCTORINE. Oh, where s Mr. Carberry, mamma ? JUDGE. He is up stairs with your father, minding the baby. (VICTORINE is going.) Stop, my daughter. I wish to speak to you. (Seating herself.) Have you read your Blackstone to-day ? VICTORINE, Yes, no, well, some of it. JUDGE. And your Coke upon Littleton ? 4O THE SPIR11 OF SEVENTY-SIX. VlCTORINE. Oh, I can t make head or tail of that nasty thing JUDGE (mournfully}. Victorine, you will break your mother s heart ! You have the finest opening of any girl in Boston, and the best example, and if you loved your Blackstone, and your Cruise s Digest, you might become, like me, the ornament of the Suffolk Bar. But who do you suppose would ever give you a brief? You don t deserve to be my daughter, and the end of it will be, you 11 have to marry, you are not fit for anything better ! [Bursting info tears. VICTORINE. I don t want anything better ! JUDGE. Because you have never risen above the level of girls before the Revolution. I give you up, and I shall centre all my hopes upon your sister Portia, a child of great promise, who cries for Cruise s Digest. VICTORINE (clapping her hands}. Hurrah ! then I need n t be a lawyer, after all ! JUDGE. But you must be provided for ; and, since you are too lazy for the Law, and too ^iddy for ^e Church, and too pretty for a Family Physician, THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 4! I see but one resource. What do you think of this Mr. Carberry ? VlCTORINE. I think he s awfully jolly, mamma, but do let me go ! JUDGE. I wish you to give up calling me " Mamma." It is unsuited to my present dignity. I wear my robes of office in private life, on purpose to inspire respect. The Lord Chancellor Erskine (though a man) most pertinently says, " Supreme Judges should always be seen in grave and suitable habits of distinction, to point out their stations, and continue the reverence inspired by their dignified appearance when administering the laws." But to return to Mr. Carberry. If I were you, Victorine, I should propose to him, immediately. VICTORINE. Oh, mamma .... Your Honour, I mean .... I could n t, possibly JUDGE. Why not ? They say he has made a large fortune. VICTORINE. Oh, I could n t, indeed I should die of -mortification. 42 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. JUDGE. Well, my daughter, if you don t secure him, he will certainly be snapped up by some of those manoeuvring fathers, who are always on the look out. VICTORINE. I can t help it. I shall wait. Who knows ? he might ask me. JUDGE. Men never do now, that custom is exploded. VICTORINE. Besides, / believe there is such a thing as falling in love, after all. JUDGE (rising). I tell you, love is as obsolete as a line-of-battle ship. Wives rule their husbands, and the memory of woman runneth not to the contrary. But do as you like. For my part, I disapprove of marriage altogether. I consider it a waste of time for any intelligent woman ; but you will never be able to earn your salt in any decent calling, and you must either marry or be sent to Congress. VICTORINE. I don t care. / sha* n t ask him. JUDGE. Just as you please, but mark my words, he 11 be snapped up within twenty-four hours. [Exit JUDGE. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 43 VlCTORINE. It s a dreadful trial to a girl to have a Judge for her mamma ! I don t like to go and look for Mr. Carberry, after what she said. Perhaps, if I sing something, he will hear it and come down. (Sings.) Come into the garden, George, Don t sit there all night and drone. Come into the garden, George, I am smoking here, alone. And the smell of your Meerschaum is wafted abroad, And the scent of Cabanas blown. For a breeze of evening moves, And the planet of Love doth rise, I m beginning to puff the weed we love In a smoky Paradise. To puff in great clouds the tobacco we love, From a pipe coloured brown as your eyes. Come into the garden, George, &c. &c. Enter CARBERRY -whilst she sings. CARBERRY. Miss Victorine! Charmed to see you again. Do you come from the Opera ? VICTORINE. No, only from playing a game of billiards at the Club, but all the jolly girls had gone to ride a steeple-chase, and there was only the marker to play with, who s a horrid old woman, so I came home. 44 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY. And how is your interesting reptile ? VlCTORINE. Oh, you called him ugly, so I threw him out of the window. Now I want to ask your advice about a profession. I have been thinking about it for a whole half-hour. I hate the law, and I think I 11 be a doctor, would you ? CARBERRY. A doctor ! No, certainly not. What on earth should you know about doctoring ? VlCTORINE. Oh, I know a good deal about it. I Ve skimmed over half a fat book on Rheumatism. And you know I ve got to do something. Girls must earn their living, because there are two hundred thous .... CARBERRY (interrupting her}. Yes, yes, I know, but I advise you to retain your natural profession. VlCTORINE. What f s that ? CARBERRY (with a low bow}. Being a charming young lady. VlCTORINE. I never heard any one say ^uch pretty things as you do ! And, by the way, you were beginning THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 45 to tell me something very interesting when that provoking train interrupted us About those friends of yours who were so much in love, you know. CARBERRY. It would sound very flat at second hand. VlCTORINE. Yes, it is a pity you have not been in love yourself, for then you could describe it better ; but never mind, do try. What did your friends do first ? CARBERRY. Well, first, I suppose they would tell the young lady she was charming. VICTORINE (aside}. Exactly what he said to me just now. (Aloud.) Well ? go on. CARBERRY. Then they would perhaps send flowers, and go to church with her very regularly, and say they liked it. VICTORINE. Yes, and what next ? CARBERRY. Then, if they were very far gone, and she ob jected, perhaps they d give up smoking, but that was only in extreme cases. 46 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. VlCTORINE. Oh, but is that all ? did n t they say anything ? CARBERRY. Well, yes, if they got a good chance, and could screw up their courage, perhaps they would take the young lady s hand (taking VICTORINE S) and say .... VlCTORINE. Well, what ? Why do you stop ? They would say . . . . ? CARBERRY (tenderly]. They would say, Dearest .... what lovely weather ! Enter MRS. BADGER. MRS. BADGER. How are you, fellows ? CARBERRY (aside). Thunder ! what a bore ! Just as I had almost made up my mind to go it ! Why, it s that In fernal Revenue woman ! VlCTORINE (tartly). If you have come to see Aunt Wolverine, she is out, Mrs. Badger. MRS. BADGER. No, my business is with Carberry here. (Tt> CARBERRY.) I saw you, just now, looking out of the THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 47 nursery window, so I stepped in, to continue our little conversation about your income. I must trouble you to go away, Miss Victorine, as Income Returns are strictly confidential. VICTORINE. Confidential ? Yes, till you publish them in the newspaper. (Aside.) Provoking creature ! [Exit VICTORINE. MRS. BADGER. Now then ! make haste, for it s getting late, and you know you 11 be taken up, if you are out after ten. CARBERRY. Taken up ! What for ? MRS. BADGER. New order of the Board of Alderwomen, "Any man, found absent from his home after ten o clock at night, fined for a misdemeanour." The City Grandmothers mean to put a stop to men s staying out till cock-crow, and making their wives sit up for them. CARBERRY. I shall go directly back to China. > MRS. BADGER. You made a large fortune out there, did n t you ? CARBERRY. It s the only country fit to live in, they drown the superfluous females young ! 48 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. MRS. BADGER. Come ! don t shilly-shally. What s your income ? CARBERRY (reluctantly). Well, perhaps ten thousand dollars. MRS. BADGER (writing it down). Married, or single ? CARBERRY. Oh, single, certainly. MRS. BADGER. Age, then ? CARBERRY. Madam ? MRS. BADGER. Well, age? CARBERRY. Madam, I don t see what my age has to do with my income. MRS. BADGER. Fiddle ! Come, how old are you ? CARBERRY. Madam, permit me to say that it is none of your business. MRS. BADGER. It is, my very particular business, as long as you are unmarried, " Special Income-tax for Bach elors over thirty years of age, fifty per cent." CARBERRY. Fifty per cent f Monstrous ! I don t believe it. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 49 MRS. BADGER. There s the printed form. (Hands it to him.} CARBERRY. This comes of your infernal female legislating, I suppose ! It s unconstitutional ! It s anarchical ! It s despotic ! I won t submit to it ! MRS. BADGER. Large excess of women over men in the United States. Majority two hundred thousand in Mass achusetts alone. Majorities are always right, you know. CARBERRY. And am I to be the victim of your horrible statistic ? MRS. BADGER (coolly], If a man chooses to give himself the luxury of being a bachelor, he must pay for it, like other luxuries. All the men take it hard, at first, but they soon come round. So don t bother, but just tell me your age. CARBERRY. Nineteen ! MRS. BADGER. Fiddle ! if you don t tell the truth, I shall put you down as fifty. You re thirty-five, if you re a day. When was your birthday ? CARBERRY. Yesterday ! I came of age. 3 5<D THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTV-SIX. MRS. BADGER. Very well! (Writing.} "Thomas Carberry, Bachelor, age, fifty." It s a retrospective tax, you know, takes in every year since you were thirty, fifty per cent on ten thousand dollars for twenty years .... five times twenty .... One hundred thousand dollars, you will please hand over to the government, and I 11 give you a receipt. CARBERRY. Outrageous ! I m only thirty-two, I 11 take my oath of it ! It s an extortion, a swindle, an infamous swindle ! MRS. BADGER. If you are not satisfied, I 11 call you sixty, I Ve a right to make you any age I please. CARBERRY (getting more and more angry). A right! And 7 ve a right an inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happi ness ! Are Men s Rights trampled underfoot ? Is there no Antislavery sentiment left in Boston ? No Society for the Abolition of Women ? What are all the philanthropists about, now-a-days, I should like to know ? MRS. BADGER. It would be clearly unjust, in a Republican country, and contrary to the Spirit of the Age, if a great strong man, like you, were allowed to live in wealth and idleness, while TWO HUNDRED THOU- THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 51 SAND SINGLE WOMEN in your own State have to support themselves. If you won t marry, you must make it up to them in another way. CARBERRY (exasperated}. And do you pretend to say that fifty cents apiece is going to make up to them for not marry ing me ? I never would have left China, if I d had any conception of this ! Women legislating, and robbing, and murdering ! It has no parallel in history ! Draco and Robespierre were kittens, compared to them ! It s enough to make George Washington turn in his grave ! Madam ! I .... I .... I wish you a good evening! (Rushes out.) MRS. BADGER (calling after him). I 11 send you the bill to-morrow. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. ACT III. Drawing-room in Mr. WigfalVs house. Carberry alone. CARBERRY (pulls out a note and reads). " Seven o clock, .... call here .... impor tant communication, .... yours truly ever .... Wolverine Griffin." .... Well, that s beyond me ! but I may get another look at Victorine by being here. I came home with the idea of marry ing some nice pretty little wife, such as they used to have, who would make much of me, arid give me good dinners, and look pretty at the head of the table, which is all a man wants in a wife. But they have all turned into such catamarans, that I feel discouraged .... that is, all except Victorine Enter Miss GRIFFIN. Miss GRIFFIN. Mr. Carberry, koiv kind ! you were not uneasy ? I am a little late. Excuse me, sit down, and I 11 explain. But, first, it may be proper to review the events of the past ten years. CARBERRY. Hem. (Looking at his watch.} We might do five to-day, and the rest some rainy afternoon. Begin, madam ; I am all attention. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 53 Miss GRIFFIN. 4 You find a great change in our midst, my dear sir, on your return. Woman has taken her right ful place, and, no longer the Slave of Man, shares with you the duties and responsibilities of citizen ship. A glorious change, Mr. Carberry. CARBERRY. A very striking change, indeed, madam. Miss GRIFFIN. A glorious change, Mr. Carberry-! The cruel Past is wiped out, with all its brutal, barbarous conventionalities, and the Female is free ! When you went abroad, my dear Mr. Carberry, she had no initiative, positively no initiative. Her af finities were stifled, and her tongue was paralyzed. It was her humble part to silently await the Coming Man, who, perhaps, never came, or might better have stayed away. CARBERRY. A trying position, certainly. (Aside.} Thunder ! what a bore she is ! Miss GRIFFIN. It was a cruel, cruel law which debarred us from the free exercise of our choice in the most im portant crisis of our lives. With perceptions, too, so -much finer than those of Man, by which to detect the right person at once. 54 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY. Precisely But I think you spoke of wish ing to see me on business ? Miss GRIFFIN. Now, Woman, trusting to her unerring instinct, goes frankly to the man of her choice, and gives him her hand with her heart in it .... thus .... (Offering her hand.} SERVANT (at the door}. Miss Griffin, the Chairwoman of the Committee for the Suppression of Male Dinner-parties is down stairs, says she must see you on business. Miss GRIFFIN. Provoking ! But you sit perfectly still, and I 11 be back directly. [Exit Miss GRIFFIN. CARBERRY (alone}. Good Heavens ! what a dreadful situation I am in ! This woman is evidently going to make me an offer of marriage ! What shall I do ? What can I say ? What on earth was it young ladies used to say in the good old times ? I am so upset, I can t even recollect what that pretty Fanny Slippery said to me in Shanghae ! This is a thousand times worse than being refused one s self .... Let me see .... Fanny made at least a dozen excellent excuses .... too young .... short acquaintance .... inexperience .... THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 5 <J Re-enter Miss GRIFFIN. Miss GRIFFIN. An unwelcome interruption, but you won t think the worse of me for putting public duty before private feeling. " I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honour more." .... Dear Mr. Carberry, you can t have mistaken me. CARBERRY. Forgive me, Miss Griffin, but on so short an acquaintance .... I assure you I never sup posed .... Miss GRIFFIN. Yes, it is short, as the world counts time, but what of that, since henceforth our whole lives will be devoted to each other ? CARBERRY. Indeed, I never imagined that your feelings for me were more than a mere passing admiration .... Miss GRIFFIN. That shows you have no comprehension of the transcendent Truthfulness of Woman. We should scorn to pay attentions to a young man, and win his timid affections, and then shy off, and mean nothing after all. Oh no, my dearest Thomas, I am deeply, terribly in earnest ! CARBERRY. I am most sorry, believe me, if any thoughtless- 56 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. ness of mine has encouraged these hopes. (Aside.) Thunder ! how hard she is to refuse ! (Aloud.} I have no idea of marrying, I assure you. Miss GRIFFIN. And why not ? Why bloom a single rose ? CARBERRY. Oh, I m too young ! Miss GRIFFIN. I will wait. CARBERRy. I am so ignorant, so inexperienced .... I am not worthy of you. Forget me, I entreat you, and be happy with another ! Miss GRIFFIN. Never ! My happiness depends on your con sent ! I 11 blow my brains out if you refuse ! (Goes down on her knees.} I will not live without yOU ! (Seizing his hand.} CARBERRY (trying to get away). Don t, don t, my dear Miss Griffin ! Get up, I beg of you ! you distress me exceedingly ! Miss GRIFFIN. No ! I 11 take root at your feet ! I 11 never get up till you give in. CARBERRY (in despair). Well, well .... I hear some one coming, THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 57 only get up, and I 11 see about it, I 11 refer you to my father .... Enter JUDGE. Miss GRIFFIN (rising). My dear sister, congratulate me ; Mr. Carberry has promised to be mine ! JUDGE (aside]. Just as I said ! he is snapped up. Quam celeri- ter ! (Aloud.} Wolverine, there are higher aims than marriage for the Women of 76, and, from my own experience, I think a woman s career is hampered by a husband. But try it, if you like. Do you wish to be married immediately ? Miss GRIFFIN. I m all ready. JUDGE. Then I will receive your declaration, which is all that is necessary to constitute a legal marriage. Miss GRIFFIN. You begin, dear Carberry. . CARBERRY. Oh, impossible ! quite impossible ! My con science would never permit such a thing. I should n t feel married at all, unless it were in church. 3* 58 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. JUDGE. Sir, religion has been reconstructed, and such superstitions are out of date. Miss GRIFFIN. Yes, I wonder you should cling to those old- fashioned prejudices. However, if you really prefer it, we can send for the clergy woman. The Rev. Arabella Parsons lives next door. CARBERRY. Oh no, you must n t hurry me, indeed. I .... I .... (Struck by an idea.} I want at least three months to send to Paris for my trousseau. I could n t think of having my wedding coat made in Boston. I won t be married at all unless I can have a proper wedding. JUDGE (indignantly.) A proper wedding ! Sir, I would have you to know that a contract made before me is eminently a proper wedding. A simple declaration of your intention is all-sufficient in the eye of the law. In fact, I believe you have both already said so, and I shall proceed to make out the necessary certificate, without loss of time. (Takes a CARBERRY (seizing her arm). No ! I 11 swear .... I mean, I m sure I did n t .... you misunderstood me. I beg you, ladies, to give me a little time to recover myself. THE SPIRIT QF SEVENTY-SIX. 59 .... This .... happiness .... has been so unexpected, I feel quite overcome. .... I will give you an answer by and by , ... but now I have a severe headache .... brought on by nervous excitement Miss GRIFFIN. Nervous excitement ! Shaker Extract of Va lerian is what you want. Lie down on the sofa, and put your feet up, and I 11 bring you some in a quarter of an hour. (Making CARBERRY lie down.} JUDGE (looking at him with disdain). Men are not like us, Wolverine. They have no strength of mind. \Exeunt Miss GRIFFIN and JUDGE. CARBERRY covers his face with his handkerchief and groans. Enter MRS. BADGER, who goes to the sofa and peeps under the handkerchief. MRS. BADGER. Ah, Carberry ! I thought I should find you here . . . . about that little matter of the hundred thousand dollars, you know. CARBERRY. Oh, go away I m ill .... I m very busy .... I m asleep .... I can t attend to you now. MRS. BADGER. I always like to be accommodating, and I Ve thought of a way to settle it. 60 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. CARBERRY (reviving a little). What ? MRS. BADGER. You must marry at once. . CARBERRY. I won t, / won t, I WON T ! MRS. BADGER. That will exempt you from the Bachelor s Tax in future, but the retrospective hundred thou sand dollars will remain to be paid, unless you marry the right person, and there is BUT ONE. CARBERRY. Who ? in .the name of thunder ! MRS. BADGER. ME. CARBERRY. You ! You re married already ! It says " Mrs." on your confounded card (Pulling it out of his pocket.} Where is Mr. Badger? I appeal to Mr. Badger for protection ! MRS. BADGER. Fiddle ! Mr. Badger has been dead and buried these seven years. CARBERRY. A widow ! I never thought of that. (Sinks into a chair, .) THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 6 1 MRS. BADGER. You see, if you marry me, I 11 let you off pay ing the money to the government, and we 11 spend it together. CARBERRY. Venal and corrupt official ! is that the way you betray your trust ? I 11 denounce you ! I 11 publish it in all the papers ! I 11 have you turned out! MRS. BADGER. Pooh ! You would n t be so silly, for then you d have to pay up .... twenty years from thirty to fifty .... CARBERRY (furious). I tell you I m not fifty .... I 11 call the police ! . . . . Miss Griffin ! Miss Griffin ! Miss GRIFFIN (running in). Miss GRIFFIN. What s the matter ? CARBERRY. Take away this assessor ! She s offering her self to me ! Miss GRIFFIN. You, Badger ? How audacious ! He s engaged to me. MRS. BADGER. He has changed his mind, he prefers me. 62 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Miss GRIFFIN. Badger, I m ashamed of you ! Annoying a poor young man in this way ! What would be come of him if he had n t me to protect him ? MRS. BADGER. Nonsense ! we were making a little business ar rangement .... you only bother us, you have n t any head for business, Griffin, you re too sentimental, you d better go away. Miss GRIFFIN. Yes, and it s precisely that delicacy of senti ment that Mr. Carberry admires in me. 1 hope I do my duty as a woman and a citizen, though I have rit sunk into a mere business hack, without a thought beyond money-making, like you t Mrs. Badger. MRS. BADGER. Fiddle ! Why don t you speak up, Carberry ? what are you thinking of? CARBERRY. Madam, I was thinking of the Kilkenny cats, and the admirable end of their quarrel ! Miss GRIFFIN. Barbara Badger, if you don t go directly away, I 11 impeach you at the next Town Meeting for embezzlement of the public money. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 63 MRS. BADGER. Well, I can t stop now to discuss it. I 11 see you by and by But you have n t a chance, Griffin, there are one hundred thousand argu ments against you. You II see which way he makes up his mind ! {Exit MRS. BADGER, nodding significantly. Miss GRIFFIN. You see, my dear Mr. Carberry, that it is abso lutely necessary we should be married immediately, or you would be exposed to this sort of thing every day. I think we had better say to-morrow, and, as you seem to fancy a showy wedding, I 11 send word directly to the other Selectwomen, and the School Committee, to come in from the Centre, by the ten o clock train, and walk in pro cession with us to the church. [Exit GRIFFIN CARBERRY. There is something fatally attractive about me ! Enter VICTORINE. VlCTORINE. Here s a note for you, Mr. Carberry, from a lady. {Handing it to him.) CARBERRY. I won t read it ! it may be another. (Tears it up.) VICTORINE. Another what ? It s an invitation to Mrs. 64 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Butterfly s ball. I m going, I 11 take you. .... What s the matter ? Are you ill ? CARBERRY. Miss Wigfall, I m on the brink of an abyss, two abysses in fact. Your aunt intends to marry me. VlCTORINE. My aunt ! You re joking ! Why, she s a great deal older than you ! It is n t possible that you .... car<*. for my. aunt, Mr. Carberry ? Enter Miss GRIFFIN, who listens unperceived. CARBERRY. Care for her ? I m afraid of her ! I am being dragged like a lamb to the altar! I said all I could, I repeated every excuse that I remem bered a young lady made .... I mean, that I thought a young lady would make in such a case, but it was no use ! no use ! VlCTORINE (sighing). Oh ! how I wish I had minded mamma! CARBERRY. I arrived here yesterday, so innocent and so happy, and I find everything upset and topsy turvy, with all this voting, and assessing, and judging, and dreadful old maids swooping down upon one, like hawks, and widows, like roaring THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 65 lions ! . . . . You alone seem to me an innocent dove, a thousand times more charming by contrast .... and . . . . I ve got to marry somebody .... I mean, I love you passionately .... only I should n t have told you so for months, under happier circumstances .... I m a shy man naturally .... but now I m goaded to despe ration ! ViCTORlNE (crying). O ! Mr. Carberry, why did n t you say so sooner ? CARBERRY. Sooner ! I had n t a chance ! I m a slow man naturally, I*m not used to these railway methods, and how could I ever have dreamed that your terrible aunt would mark me for her own ! # (Here Miss GRIFFIN, "who has heard all this, darts out again unperceived.) ViCTORlNE. Well (Sot), perhaps it s all for the best ! . . . . I 11 try and take an interest in (Sob) politics .... and forget it .... but (Sob) I shall always love you . ... as an uncle / Re-enter Miss GRIFFIN, with two pistols. Miss GRIFFIN (to CARBERRY). Traitor ! which will you have ? [VICTOR INE shrieks. CARBERRY. Neither, thank you. 66 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Miss GRIFFIN. No trifling, traitor ! I have heard all, and I demand satisfaction. VlCTORINE. O aunt ! please don t be angry, I 11 give him up! Miss GRIFFIN. There is but one reparation you can make me, Mr. Carberry, take your choice. CARBERRY. They have got over being afraid of pistols, too ! VlCTORINE. O aunt ! you shall have him indeed, only don t hurt him. Miss GRIFFIN. No compromise with traitors ! (Sternly.) Mr. Carberry, are you a gentleman ? CARBERRY. No ! Are you ? -Miss GRIFFIN. Man ! Would you rather be hanged ? Don t you know Breach of Promise is a capital crime ? VlCTORINE (wringing her hands). And the Governess will never pardon you ! CARBERRY. Well, if you will have it so, I 11 name a friend THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 67 to arrange the place of meeting. (Aside.) 1 11 take the first train to New York. Miss GRIFFIN. Mr. Carberry, I never lose time. Seconds and intermediaries would only cause delay. This quarrel is between you and me, and we will settle it this minute, in this apartment, without any more words. Victorine, have the goodness to walk twelve paces, taking as long steps as you can. VICTORINE. I sha n t ! I won t ! I 11 call papa ! [Exit, crying " Papa ! Papa I " (Miss GRIFFIN measures the distance herself, thriists one of the pistols into CARBERRY S hand, and takes her place). CARBERRY. I wish I was back in Shanghae ! Miss GRIFFIN. Now, are you ready ? When I say " three" .... (CARBERRY covers her with his pistol.) Mr. Car- berry ! put that weapon down, sir ! .... When I say "three" .... CARBERRY. By Jove ! I 11 kill her ! (Covers her again.) Miss GRIFFIN. Will you observe the rules, sir ? .... When I say " three" we fire One, Two 68 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. Enter JUDGE, followed by VICTORINE, and MR. WIGFALL carrying the baby. JUDGE. I arrest you both, in the name of the Common wealth of Massachusetts ! Miss GRIFFIN. Susan, why could n t you have stayed away five minutes longer ! JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall, I appoint you Special Constable to secure these persons, discovered flagrante delicto, in the very act of breaking the peace of the Commonwealth. (MR. WIGFALL puts the baby down on the sofa, and takes hold of GRIFFIN.) CARBERRY. * I thank your Honour from the bottom of my heart. JUDGE. Prisoners : It is my painful duty to remind you both, that, Whereas, the trial by wager of battle has long been obsolete, you have incurred a penalty of twenty years in the State s Prison, for duelling in Massachusetts. Wherefore, as guardian of the public morals, it also becomes my painful duty to send at once for the proper officers of justice, that you may be trice], and convicted for that offence. THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 69 CARBERRY. Nothing can hurt me now. CARBERRY and GRIFFIN stand Right and Left -with folded arms. VICTORINE. O mamma ! forgive them this once ! Punish aunt, if you will CARBERRY. Yes, punish aunt ! VICTORINE. It was all her fault, .... but don t put Mr. Carberry in prison ! JUDGE. Child ! he has violated the law. VICTORINE (imploringly). But no one will ever know, if we don t tell. Don t say anything about it, that s a dear mamma. JUDGE. And my own conscience, Victorine ? Forbear I am incorruptible. MR. WlGFALL. That s right, my dear, Smite em with the Sword of Justice ! VICTORINE (aside to MR. WIGFAL: ). O papa, how ca.n vo^ b~ s^ unkind ? I thought you were on our side. 7<D THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. MR. WIGFALL (aside to VICTORINE). Be quiet, child. I have n t lived twenty years with your mother without finding out that the way to manage her is to give her her head. JUDGE. Distressing as it is to my personal feelings, the Majesty of the Law must be vindicated. MR. WIGFALL. Bully for you ! Fiat Justitia ! Don t let em off. JUDGE. Mr. Wigfall ! in this momentous crisis, I con sider your remarks in the worst possible taste. MR. WIGFALL. Why, I only said " Fiat Justitia? Does n t the learned Judge know what that means ? JUDGE. Silence, Constable ! As I said before, I stand here clothed in the Panoply of Justice, resolved to steel my heart, and execute the Law, cost what it may. MR. WIGFALL. Off with their heads! Ruat Cesium! Be a Spartan Mother ! Be a Roman Father ! JUDGE. Silence ! THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. /I MR. WlGFALL. Remember Brutus ! Three cheers for the Bos ton Brutus ! Hip, Hip .... JUDGE (exploding}. Mr. Wigfall, you are perfectly unbearable ! I don t care- one pin for Brutus, and I will let them off, just to spite you, and to show you that I am independent of your sneers and innuendoes ! Wolverine, I am thoroughly ashamed of you, but this once I will overlook it, on condition that you never have anything more to do with any man or men whomsoever. Victorine, if you laugh, I 11 commit you for contempt. VICTORINE. O you dear little mamma ! I knew you d stop being an upright Judge, and turn out my own kind little mamma at last. (Kisses her enthusiastically. JUDGE waves her off.} JUDGE. As for you, Mr. Carberry, I request you to inform the Court, whether you sincerely wish to marry my daughter. CARBERRY. Most assuredly I do, I declare it before your Honour with the greatest pleasure. Is that enough ? Are we married now ? Are you my JUDGE. No. You may have your "proper wedding," 72 THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. and be six months about it. Here, Victorine, take him, he s yours. Be firm with him from the first, and perhaps you may be happy. When you want a divorce, petition me, while you are yet in my jurisdiction. But don t delay too long, for at no distant day, the nation will rise, like One Woman, to turn out the man, Chase, and you will see ME Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. [Retires majestically, followed by MR. WIGFALL, to the back of the stage. , CARBERRY (to Miss GRIFFIN). Madam, I hope you will forget the past, and believe me, I shall always regard you as a friend. Miss GRIFFIN. Man, don t speak to me. Enter MRS. BADGER. MRS. BADGER. There, Griffin, I told you so ! You see he has made up his mind CARBERRY. Yes, to marry Miss Wigfall. So you and your tax may go to Jericho ! (Aside to MRS. BADGER.) If you tell of me, I 11 tell of you, but (Aloud], believe me, madam, I shall always regard you as a friend. MRS. BADGER. Griffin, we re both jilted ! Shall we go and drown ourselves in the Chestnut Hill Reservoir ? THE SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX. 73 Miss GRIFFIN. For a Man ? No, Badger, we are States- women and Patriots. Let us rather renounce mankind and live for ourselves, marching in the Van of the great Feminine Army of Progress, onward and upward forever ! And when our mission is accomplished, and Woman of every colour, size, and shape reigns supreme from Pole to Pole, then shall the names of Griffin and Badger be transmitted to future generations, as great and glorious examples of the new SPIRIT OF SEVENTY-SIX ! Curtain falls. JUDGE S CHARGE. Addressed to the Atidience. Mrs. Forewoman, and Ladies of the Jury : You have now heard the facts, and it remains for you to find accordingly, divesting yourselves, as far as possible, of all individual bias, either for or against the defendant, MAN, and this Court will protect you in the performance of your duty. The proper officer will now conduct the Jury to their room, and provide them with suitable re freshment. A CHANGE OF BASE. CHARACTERS CAPTAIN DASHWOOD. TARBOX. FLORA FAYAWAY (18 years). Miss PRIM (her companion, 40 years\ A CHANGE OF BASE. SCENE I. Flora s Drawing-room. Flora seated, absorbed in reading a letter. Enter Miss Prim. PRIM. Miss FLORA ! the cook has given warning ! Says she wants a wider range, and means to try Cali fornia ! FLORA. Oh, Miss Prim, don t trouble me about cooks now. PRIM (excited}. But what are we to do ? FLORA. Oh, do without eating ! To-day, of all days, I don t want to be worried. PRIM. Why, is it to-day that you expect Mr. Tarbox ? < FLORA. Yes ; but I wish, Miss Prim, you would n t pro nounce his name that way. Can t you say " Mr. Tarbox " softly ? it sounds much prettier. 80 A CHANGE OF BASE. PRIM (sitting down to her sewing}. Well, it is n t a very pretty name anyway. However, I 11 try. By what train do you antici pate Mr. Ta-arbox ? FLORA. His letter did n t say. O ! Miss Prim, how lit tle I thought, when, just for fun, I pinned my name and address on a pair of blue woollen socks for the Sanitary, how little I thought that my fate was rolled up in them ! PRIM. Yes, it s fortunate that such a delightful person as you say Mr. Tarbox is, should have been the one to get them. He wrote to you at once, did n t he? FLORA. O yes ! I never shall forget my feelings when I received his first letter, dated Camp Stanton. I could n t help answering, it was so touching. That was three months ago, and we have corre sponded ever since ! PRIM. It s strange what luck young girls always have in such matters, to be sure ! It shows what fools men are. They overlook women of matured mind and experience, to run after any chit- of a girl, just because she has a pretty face ! FLORA. Well, Miss Prim,- he did n t run after my face, for you know he has never seen it. A CHANGE OF BASE. 8 1 PRIM. No, and for my part, I think it very doubtful how such a match will turn out. Do you know anything of his position, or antecedents ? FLORA. No, nothing, and that s just what makes our engagement so delightfully odd and romantic. We know each other only through our letters, and O ! Miss Prim, he does write such lovely letters. Did you ever have any love-letters, Miss Prim ? PRIM. Aheiru no. It so happened that every one of my admirers offered himself by word of mouth, and was rejected immediately. FLORA. What a pity ! PRIM. And have n t you told this Mr. Tarbox anything about your- social position either ? Does he think it " delightfully odd and romantic" to be kept in the dark, or does he know that you are an orphan, and your own mistress ? FLORA. I told him nothing whatever. (Aside.) I wanted him to love me for myself. PRIM. Are you quite sure he is not aware that you are riJi? A* T? 82 A CHANGE OF BASE. FLORA. Oh, Miss Prim, you don t suppose I wrote aboat such things as money ? Besides, I had n t room. I never wrote more than six or eight pages crossed, at a time. PRIM. He s nothing but a private, is he ? FLORA (with enthusiasm). No, and that s all the more noble in him . Not to wait to be made Major-General, or Commander- in-Chief, as I know he deserves, but to volunteer at once to defend his country, even in the ranks ! I ve not the least doubt that he left a princely home, adorned with everything that makes life beautiful, at his country s call ! When I think of such devotion, my heart beats, my cheeks burn PRIM. Hoity-toity ! you never made all this fuss when your cousin Captain Dashwood volunteered ! FLORA. Oh, that was different. There is no sentiment or romance about Fred. He just went off at the beginning of the war, because he said it was his duty, he never talked about his feelings, and treated the whole thing as a matter of course. PRIM. There I quite agree with you. I always thought Captain Dashwood a disagreeable, conceited young man. * A CHANGE OF BASE. 83 FLORA. O, Miss Prim, he is not ! How can you say so ! PRIM (rising). Well, Miss Fayaway, I sincerely hope you may be happy. But if you want my candid opinion, I think you would be more sensible, if you were not in such a hurry, but were to wait till you are forty or -forty-five years of age, and have some experience, before you think of matrimony ! [Exit. FLORA (alone). How disagreeable Miss Prim is sometimes, to be sure ! She always seems annoyed when she hears of any one going to be married. And asking such tiresome questions too, about " money" and "po sition" and "antecedents" things that are not of the slightest consequence ! Ah ! there d be no need of asking that, if she had ever seen one of his dear letters! (Takes out letter and reads.) "When your lovely image floats before the mind s eye of your adorer, he feels that for the "\inspeakable bliss of your smile, he would gladly sacrifice his life ! " Any one could see at once that this was written by a person of the most exquisite refinement of feeling, with % the fire and imagination of a poet ! Now I m very fond of my cousin Fred, and he of me, but he never wrote me such a letter as that. (Kisses letter and puts it near her heart } I should be per fectly happy if it were not for his name ! . How I do wish it was n t Tarbox ! But then I Ve no 84 A CHANGE OF BASE. doubt he has a lovely Christian name, one suited to his noble self, and of course I shall call him by that. He always signs " H. J. Tar- box," H stands for Herbert, O ! I hope it s Herbert! I know it s Herbert! (Bell rings.} Hark! there s a ring ! Perhaps it s he ! How my heart beats J (Flies to the -window.} Oh no ! i s not Her bert, it s a very common-looking person, an express-man, I should say. Enter TARBOX, in private s uniform, with light blue overcoat, very shabby. TARBOX. Mornin marm. I want to see Miss Flora Fay- away. FLORA (coldly}. I am Miss Fayaway. TARBOX. Be ye ? Jerewsalem ! I d no notion you was sich a highflyer. Wai, my lovely gal, here s your soldier, tired of war s alarms. FLORA. What what do you mean ? TARBOX. i Mean ? Why, ain t I the feller you Ve been writing to, these three months ? My name s Hezekiah J. Tarbox, at yer sarvice ; come back to marry you, accordin to agreement. A CHANGE OF BASE. 8? FLORA (aside}. O Heavens ! what shall I do ? Engaged to this horrid creature ! It s impossible ! I don t believe it ! (Aloud.} Sir, I am sure there must be some mistake. TARBOX. Mistake ? Not a mite. Did n t you jest tell me you was Miss Fayaway ? FLORA. It s quite impossible that you ever wrote those letters. You don t sound like them ! TARBOX. Lord bless you, you don t suppose I got all that stuff out of my own head, do yer ? I bought a " Complete Letter-writer," price 62 1- cents, second hand, and copied off the love-letters in reg lar succession. I Ve got it in my pocket now. Like to see it ? (Takes out shabby book and turns over leaves.} Let s see .... No. 6 .... that s called " For mal Declaration," after that, they keep pilin up the agony, don t they ? There, here s the last one I copied. (Reads.} " When your lovely image float s before the mind s eye of your adorer," and a lot more. FLORA (aside, tearing the letter from her heart}. The very letter I was kissing just now ! (Flings it in the fire.} 86 A CHANGE OF BASE. TARBOX. It s pretty lucky I got my discharge when I did, for I d got as far as No. 1 1, and there s only thirteen on em. Wai, we ve done with all that rubbish now. (Looks around.} Fixed up pretty slick here. Pictures, pianner-forty. Where are the old folks ? FLORA. The old folks ? TARBOX. Yes, yer father and mother. FLORA. 1 am an orphan, sir. I am alone in the world. TARBOX (sitting down). Du tell ! . FLORA (standing}. And you, where is your home ? TARBOX. I reside in Skowhegan, Maine. I Ve got a little farm down there. Pray, miss, air you ac quainted with butter and cheese making ? FLORA. No, sir, I am not. TARBOX. D ye understand fattenin pigs ? FLORA. No, indeed I do not, Mr. Tarbox, and I am surprised at your asking such a question ! A CHANGE OF BASE. 8? TARBOX. Wai, what can ye do then ? What d ye stow yer time on ? Can t yer do no kind o work ? FLORA. Certainly, crochet and worsted work. TARBOX. Wai, what else ? FLORA. Oh, I play and sing, and make calls, and play croquet, and in the evening I go to the Opera, unless there is a party. TARBOX. We don t do none o them things down to Skow- hegan. FLORA. No, of course there are no amusements in such a place as that ! TARBOX. I bet you ! In winter we have quiltin frolics, and spring and fall there s maple-candy scrapes, and parin bees, and we go to meetin all the year raound. Enter Miss PRIM. FLORA (confused}. My friend, Miss Prim, Miss Prim, this is Mr. TARBOX. Tarbox, marm. Hezekiah J., at your sarvice. 88 A CHANGE OF BASE. PRIM (surprised]. Indeed ! I hope I see you well, sir. You have lately returned from the army, I believe ? \Sits down near TARBOX ; FLORA sinks into a chair behind them, TARBOX. Yes marm. I got kinder rheumaticky down there to Washington City, all doubled up, and the Surgeon of our Regiment said I warn t no good, anyway, and might as well come home. PRIM. We girls feel a deep interest in our brave defenders. Tell us of your sufferings. TARBOX. Wai, marm, I was orfle sea-sick on the Sound, both goin and comin . PRIM. Oh, I didn t mean that. I meant your dangers. TARBOX. Wai, twice I come plaguy near shootin myself with my own gun. FLORA (aside). I wish he had ! PRIM. I did n t mean that, either. Tell us of the camp, the midnight attack, and the hand-to-hand con flict ! A CHANGE OF BASE. 89 TARE ox. Wai, as fur the camp, I d know as I did more nor cook my vittals, and poor enough they was, if it had n t a been for the sutler s pies, I should ha been a most starved. And when I was n t eatin them, I was whittlin , or playin checkers or dominos with the fellers, leastways when we was thru with that air darned drillin . PRIM. But the battles ? the deeds of arms ? TARBOX. Can t tell ye nothin about them. I got took down with the rheuma tiz, and left, jest as the fightin was goin to begin. I had the luck on t, I tell you ! FLORA (starting up}. What ! were you not disappointed to be denied the opportunity to fight for your country, after you had volunteered in her defence ? TARBOX. O bless you, marm, I did n t volunteer, I was drafted. I wish to blazes now, I had a-volun- teered, and got the baounty ! FLORA. All my illusions dispelled ! TARBOX. Tell ye all abaout it. The all-firedest mean biz- 9O A CHANGE OF BASE. ness aout. The day they drafted, I was down to the ingine-house, along with Elnathan P. Sawyer, and a lot more Independent Odd-Fellows. Elna than, sez he, " Tarbox, I bet you 11 git stuck." He had n t more n got the words out of his maouth, when Quincy Titcomb, that stutters, came runnin up. " Hearn the news ? the list s aout ! " " Who be they ? " sez all hands. Quincy could n t git aout the fust word. " Who be they ? " roars the crowd. Quincy made the orfullest faces, and Royal Mar ble, he took him by the collar as if he d shake it out of him. " Tell us who they be," sez he. Quin cy was corked as tight as a ginger-beer bottle, but he pinted his finger straight at me. Gosh ! how they all screeched and screamed (except me). " Naow," sez I, " Gen lemen feller-citizens, look a-here, I ve got conscientious, Constitootional scruples (a larf), and a very aged aunt (roars), besides fits (yells). I don t back aout from May trainins, nor Cornwallises, nor I ain t afraid to swab aout our cannon arter she s ben tetched off, but, as to fly in in the face of Providence, loaded with ball-catridge, Congress hain t no title to send for me. There s a higher law agin it. T ain t right ! " No use ! I could n t squirm aout, no way, nor shape, and was baound to go. So I went, and that s how t was. [ Takes out a pipe and fills it. PRIM. How interesting ! A CHANGE OF BASE. 9! FLORA. How intolerable ! PRIM. Well, Mr. Tarbox, it s a mercy you escaped with your life. / consider that rheumatism a dis pensation of Providence ! FLORA (seeing TARBOX light his pipe). Oh, that is too much ! Sir, Mr. Tarbox ! I cannot possibly have you smoke pipes here. The smell of tobacco makes me very ill ! TARBOX. Oh bother ! T ain t no kinder use for you to cut up rough about my pipe. You must git wonted to it, and the sooner the better. FLORA. Sir, if you have no respect for a lady, the sooner you leave this house the better ! TARBOX. Wai, wal, don t git so riled. I d just as lives go out and smoke a spell, to please ye, if ye re so tarnation squeamish. PRIM (rising}. This way, sir, allow me, I m sorry Miss Fayaway is so particular, 7 adore tobacco ! [Exeunt PRIM and TARBOX. FLORA (alone}. O ! unhappy girl that I am ! My whole life sacrificed by one silly and imprudent step ! I Q2 A CHANGE OF BASE. expected some one just like the Heir of Redclyffe, and I find myself bound by the most solemn promises to this odious Down-East farmer! And those hateful letters .... copied out of that hate ful book! (Flings book down.} What humiliation! I shall die of it, I hope I may ! How could I ever have written to him! How unladylike, how ridiculbus my conduct has been ! I have been living for months in a cloud, a mist of illusion, and now it has cleared away, and I see my miserable folly in its true light ! Ah ! if I had had a mother, a father, any one to advise me, this never could have happened. But I am all alone ! (Cries.) Servant brings in a letter. A letter from my cousin Fred. O ! what will he say when he hears of this ? Dear Fred, how fond he always was of me ! And he did give up all for the war ; he is really a hero .... and a gentleman, too ! Strange I never thought of Fred before. But the truth is, when he s your cousin, and you Ve known him all your life, you don t think of Fred. (Reads.) " Dearest cousin. You will see me very soon after receiving this. We had rather sharp work with the Rebels, the other da) , and I was slightly wounded, but it is noth ing of consequence, so don t be frightened. Our Colonel insists on my having ten days furlough, however. I thought you might see it in the pa pers, so I write myself to let you know I am all right, and coming. Yours ever, Frederick Dash- wood." A CHANGE OF BASE. 93 Wounded ! and I never knew it ! And he does n t tell me how ! O ! where is the paper ! (Finds newspaper and reads.) " Attack of the Rebels on our troops. Gallant conduct of Capt. Dash wood of the Mass. I44th. The Rebels attacked one of our redoubts last Tuesday, but were repulsed with great loss. Capt. Dashwood, of the Mass. I44th, distinguished him self by one of the most heroic actions of the war. The flag, which floated over the redoubt, suddenly fell to the ground outside, its staff cut by a ball. A shout of triumph rose from the Rebel ranks as the banner disappeared, for they thought it to be the signal of submission. The next moment, Capt. Dashwood leaped from the parapet, and, amid a perfect storm of shot and shell, walked deliberately the whole length of the fort, picked up the flag, mounted the bastion, and the Stars and Stripes again floated proudly on the breeze ! Capt. Dash- wood escaped by a miracle with only a slight wound in the arm. His country may well be proud of such a gallant son ! " How brave ! how noble ! and 1 never appre ciated him ! This story of his devotion has been read to-day through the length and breadth of the land, and every voic^e is praising him, every voice but mine ! Every woman in the country knows he is a hero .... and / am the last to find it out ! And now he is coming back, and 1 see it all, too late, too late ! \Bursts into tears , and exit. A CHANGE OF BASE. SCENE II. Enter Captain Dashwood^ in uniform, with his left arm in a sling. CAPT. DASHWOOD. Here I am back again in the old house ! *A week of home is n t bad after a year of campaign ing. Rather a cool welcome old Prim gave me just now. She seemed so taken up with that sol dier, she scarcely looked at me. I wonder whether Flora will be glad to see me ! Ah ! If she only knew how often the hope of seeing her again has cheered me up, down there in Virginia ! SONG. NEAPOLITAN AIR, " Sul mare lucida." Santa Lucia. Far, far from home, love, By the dark river, Where flows Potomac Silently ever, In the deep midnight, By the camp firelight, Ah ! Cousin Flora ! I m thinking of you ! When o er the battle-field Night-shadows close, love, And pale stars are watching The soldier s repose, love, When for his comfort come Sweet dreams of friends and home, Then, dearest Flora, I m dreaming of you ! When to your home, love, Come from afar, A CHANGE OF BASE. 95 Borne on the southwind, The echoes of war, Does memory then portray Him who s so far away ? Then, dearest Flora, do you think of me? Enter FLORA. Well, Cousin Flora, here I am ! FLORA. O Fred ! dear Fred, how thankful I am you are safe ! but your arm . . . . O ! how grieved I am! CAPT. DASHWOOD. Oh, it is nothing, nothing at all ! Did you expect me ? You got my letter ? FLORA. Yes, just now . ..." I have only this instant read the account in the paper of your noble con duct ! O Fred ! how bravely, how gloriously you behaved ! CAPT. DASHWOOD. Nonsense ! I only did my duty. Every soldier wou-d have done the same. But I m glad yori think well of me, darling cousin. My last thought, Flora, before going into action, my last thought was of you ! FLORA (much moved). Dear Fred ! . 96 A CHANGE OF BASE. CAPT. DASHWOOD. Why, Flora, I hardly thought you cared so much for me FLORA. Oh, even when I see you safe before me now, I tremble when I remember the frightful risk you ran, and think how soon you must go back ! CAPT. DASHWOOD. Well, Flora, we must all risk something for the dear old flag, and I m sure the women do as much as the men. If we live, we shall have a country worth living for, and if we die, we shall not die in vain But come, come, you must n t cry, now I Ve come back. Tell me about yourself. How is my darling cousin ? Not married yet, eh ? FLORA. No, no, not yet. CAPT. DASHWOOD. By the way, who was that queer-looking fellow I met just now on your door-step? Old Prim seemed to be showing him out, and, would you believe it, she was actually lighting his pipe for him ! ! She always made fuss enough when I smoked a cigar ! Old Prim has n t picked up an admirer, has she ? FLORA. I don t know, I wish she had ! \ CHANGE OF BASE. 97 CAPT. DASHWOOD. But who is the fellow ? FLORA. His name is Tarbox, he was in a Maine regi ment, never mind about him now. CAPT. DASHWOOD. Well, I don t think old Prim ought to inflict her seedy friends on you. A common-looking fellow ! he might walk off with something, ladies can t be too careful ! But come, put on your things, Flora, and let us take a walk before sunset. [Exit FLORA. And now I mean to try my fate. I Ve loved my cousin all my life, and she received me so well she showed so much emotion, I almost think she cares for me after all ! By Jove, how happy I feel! (Drums heard outside.} Hollo ! there s a regi ment passing ! (Throws iip the window^ and cheers loudly.) How the drum-beat carries me back ! By Jove ! what an exciting life it is, when you are in for it ! If it were not for Flora, I should feel impatient now. The sound of that drum makes me long to be off again ! SONG. A IP, " Rataplan," in La Fille du Regiment. Drum accowfianiment Now arm, boys, arm, Hear the bugle s alarm With the trumpet s war-note blend ! They call us to fight For our flag, and the right, And may Heaven the right defend ! 5 98 A CHANGE OF BASE. Hear the roll of the drum, Be ready, they come, And the bullets pour in like rain. But firm as a rock, Our men bear the shock, And the enemy s valour is vain. Then hurrah, boys, hurrah, For each silvery star That shines in the dark blue field ! By land or by sea, For the flag of the free, We can die, but we never can yield ! Double-quick ! Forward march 1 Charge bayonets ! Charge / See the gleam of the glittering steel ! As we charge with the cry, " We will conquer or die ! " The Rebel ranks quiver and reel ! To the roll of the drum, Like a whirlwind we come, And we charge them again, and again, And we scatter them fast, As the northern blast Scatters leaves on the autumn plain. Then hurrah, boys, hurrah, For each silvery star That shines in the dark blue field ! By land or by sea, For the flag of the free We can die, but we never can yield ! Enter TARE ox. Why, here s that confounded Yankee again. I wonder what business he has here ! A CHANGE OF BASE. 99 TAR BOX. Good day, sir. In the army, I see. (CAPT. bows stiffly.) Wownded, eh ? Ticklish kinder trade, ain t it ? Friend o the family, I presume ? CAPT. DASHMOOD. I am, sir. TARBOX. Then I s pose ye know I m about to become one on ye ? CAPT. DASH WOOD (aside). Then he is engaged to old Prim. (Aloud.) Yes, so I understood. TARBOX. She s pooty, certainly, don t ye think so ? CAPT. DASH WOOD (aside). Pretty ! Old Prim ! ! Good Heavens ! 1 J < Beauty is a matter of taste, Tarbox. TARBOX. Still, come to think on t, I hardly think she d do for me. I d know as she would, and I d know as she would. I ve a good mind to try a Change of Base, as they say in the army, and make up to the other one. CAPT. DASHWOOD (aside). The other one ? Flora ? What impertinence ! (Aloud.) Sir, I beg you not to allude to my cousin in that manner. IOO A CHANGE OF BASE. TARBOX. ! I did n t know you was related. Wai, sir, she s a sensible woman, though she is your cousin. CAPT. DASHWOOD. 1 have no right to interfere with Miss Prim s friends, sir, but I must request that you abstain from annoying Miss Fayaway in any manner, or I shall be obliged to give you a lesson ! i TARBOX. Whew ! You re pretty cocky, ain t ye ? Don t see any need of gittin yer dander up that way. CAPT. DASHWOOD. Come, sir, enough of this, or I shall lose my patience ! TARBOX. S pose, cos you Ve got them shoulder-straps, and call yerself a Lootenant or a Capting, you think ye re sortie pun kins, don t ye ? CAPT. DASHWOOD (collaring him). What do you mean, you miserable fool ? (Con found my arm.) TARBOX. Mean ? I mean I think you re a tarnation jackanapes ! and now I m out o the army, I li tell ye so, Capting or no Capting. A CHANGE OF BASE. IOI CAPT. DASHWOOD (shaking him}. Confound you ! Hold your tongue ! Leave the house ! and be thankful I have a wounded arm, or I would n t let yoin off ,so easily.; (Pushes him out.} TAQBOXJsontin&btffy?.^ ," ;. ; ; /, And as to that Miss Flory !. .!* CAPT. DASHWOOD (furious]. Leave the house, I- Say ! (Pushes him out again.) TARBOX (reappearing). I Ve as much right in the house as you, and i darned sight more, and CAPT. DASHWOOD. Begone! not another word! (Thrusts him out and slams the door.} I shall tell Flora she really must insist on Miss Prim s receiving that man s visits somewhere else ! (Looks at dock.} Flora must be ready by this time, I should think ! She has been three quarters of an hour putting on her hat. [Exit. Re-enter TARBOX by other door. TARBOX. I jest went into the back parlour, and waited till I heerd him go out. Never see sech a peppery chap in my born days ! Hope he won t come back ! Never could git along with sech folks. Fraid I m in a fix. And this Miss Flory too, she s a darned sight too fine a lady for me. Don t 1O2 A CHANGE OF BASE. know nothin about farmin , and says tobaccer makes her sick ! I d ruther have the other woman, by a long chalk. Here she comes now, guess I 11 pump her some arbout Miss Flory. Enter Miss PRIM. Marra,/i want, to .he.v.a talk with you. PRIM. Very happy, I m sure, Mr. Tarbox. TARBOX. You see, Miss Prim, I begin to think I was barking up the wrong tree in regard to Miss Flory. In fact I ought n t er hev got into the scrape at all, only Letter No. 6 in my book was what they called a " Formal Declaration," and of course I had to take em as they come, and so I jest got myself hooked ! But she s too stuck- up for my purpose, with her airs and graces, and fallals, I ain t used to sech. PRIM. You are a man of sense, I see, Mr. Tarbox. t TARBOX. How she d look sweepin raound our farm-house in one o them long trailin gowns ! Guess t would save brooms. And they must cost a heap, too. S pose, now, sech a gown as that she had on would come as high as ten or eleven dollars ? PRIM. Ten or eleven ! My dear sir ! in these times, it A CHANGE OF BASE. IO3 did n t cost a cent less than a hundred ! And that s nothing to some of her dresses. Why, I 11 just show you one of her bills. [Gives him a bill a yard long. TARBOX. I snum ! Jerewsalem ! What s this ? (Reads.) " A Blackamoor, four hundred dollars" ; that won t do, that s goin agin the Amendment of the Constitution. PRIM. No, no, dear Mr. Tarbox, not " Blackamoor," a black moire. It s a very expensive kind of silk. TARBOX. I bet. Why, you could stump the State, and run for Congress, on four hundred dollars. (Reads.) "A blue illusion, and trimmings, two dollars and fifty cents." Come, that s more reasonable. PRIM. No, no, not two dollars and fifty cents, two hundred and fifty dollars. (And some of her rose- coloured illusions will cost her more than that !) TARBOX. Miss Flory must have a pretty considerable pile, hain t she ? PRIM. Yes, but her money is settled on herself, and she spends it all on her clothes J IO4 A CHANGE OF BASE. TARBOX. Look here, Miss Prim, do your bills foot up like Flory s ? PRIM. Oh ! no, sir. / consider simplicity the truest taste ! TARBOX (aside). Guess I 11 decide on the Change of Base. (Aloud.) Now tell me truly, is she the kind o gal that can turn her hand to anything, and help raound a farm ? PRIM. O Mr. Tarbox ! she never did anything useful in all her life ! / keep the house, and take all the care, and (Diffidently) I was brought up on a farm. TARBOX. Then you re the gal for me ! if you 11 have me, will yer ? Say ? PRIM (bridling). Oh ! indeed, that requires some consideration, Mr. Tarbox! TARBOX. Wai, yer need n t if yer don t want to. It don t make no odds to me. There s Melindy Jones, down to Skowhegan, she 11 have me, I reckon. PRIM (alarmed). Oh ! I did n t intend, I only meant, are, you in, ahem, easy circumstances, Mr. Tarbox? A CHANGE OF BASE. IO< TARBOX. Fust-rate. I ve got a great little farm down there. T ain t like my neighbour, who can t raise nothin on his farm but a mortgage ! And I ve got kyows, pigs, chickens, a yoke of oxen, and a one-hoss chay, and a pung. Tell ye, we could git along pretty slick. PRIM. O ! Mr. Tarbox, you are so persuasive, there s no resisting you ! TARBOX. All right then, it s a bargain. I 11 resk it, if you will, PRIM (sentimentally]. ill y Hezekiah ! TARBOX. Guess I shall have a pretty hard job to make it right with Miss Flory, but after what you told me, I wouldn t have her, no, not if you d give me five himdred dollars ! Now I m going out to see the Cupalo of the State House. PRIM. What, going ? Then your Tabitha will accom pany you ! [Exeunt PRIM and TARBOX. Enter FLORA in walking-dress. I must and will be free ! I wonder whether he would release me, if I offer him half my fortune ! IO6 A CHANGE OF BASE. I might have been the happiest girl in the world, but for my own miserable folly ! Fred loves me, he has entreated me to be his wife, and I could n t say yes ! but I did nt say no ! Re-enter TARBOX, TRIM, following. TARBOX. My pipe ! I must ha left it here ! (Sees FLORA.) Hullo, here she is now. (To PRIM.) You clear out, and I 11 fix her. [Exit PRIM, kissing- her hand to him. Miss Flory ! I Ve got suthin to say to you. I m afraid you 11 feel kinder disappinted at first. (Aside.) Gosh ! I hope she won t faint, I 11 hev a glass o water all ready to dash in her face. (Pours out some water, and sits holding tumbler. Aloud.) Fact is, Miss Flory, I m most afraid it won t do for us to hitch our horses together. FLORA. Horses ? what horses, Mr. Tarbox ? TARBOX. You see, Miss Flory, Lwas buyin a pig .... FLORA. I told you already, that I don t understand pigs, sh ! TARBOX (distinctly). I mean, that I was buyin a pig in a poke, when I agreed to marry you without hevin seen you. And, to tell ye the truth, now I hev seen ye, you ain t a mite like the kind o gal we raise down to Skowhegan. A CHANGE OF BASE. ID? FLORA. Indeed ! TARBOX. You re altogether too highfalutin to suit us down there, and, and, I kind o hate to tell ye, cos I know you ve been lotting on it, but really and truly now, I guess we had better be off our bar gain. D yer feel faint ? (Throws water at her.} FLORA. Don t ! DON T ! ! DON T ! ! ! (Shrieks.) TARBOX. Highstericks ! by jing ! Don t take on so, Miss Flory. It s a disappintment, I know, but you 11 git over it in time. There ! now she s beginnin to larf, that s allers the way in high- stericks ! FLORA (aside). What an escape ! I certainly never thought he would refuse me ! (Aloud.) Mr. Tarbox, I entirely agree with you, as to the expediency of " being off our bargain," and I promise you I won t die of a broken heart. TARBOX. Then you won t feel bad when I tell you, I cal ate to git married to yer friend there, instead ? FLORA. Do you really ? Well, I am delighted. I think Mi;;s Prim exactly suited to you. But, Mr. Tar- IO8 A CHANGE OF BASE. box, one thing I must insist upon, you must return every one of my letters. TARBOX. Can t do it. FLORA Can t do it ? Then, sir, you must be lost to every sentiment of honour, and I shall request my cousin, Captain Dashwood, to .... TARBOX. Lord bless yer, yer don t suppose I kept all that rubbish, do yer ? Why, I read em about half way through mostly, and then I lighted my pipe with em ! FLORA. A warning to girls ! Enter CAPT. DASHWOOD front, and PRIM back. TARBOX goes towards PRIM. FLORA (aside to CAPT. DASHWOOD). , Dear Fred, it shall be as you wish. (Gives him her hand. Aloud.} Have you heard the news ? Mr. Tarbox is going to marry Miss Prim. CAPT. DASHWOOD. Oh, I knew that already. TARBOX (aside to PRIM). And she s goin to take up with him, ain t she ? (Points with his thumb at CAPT. DASHWOOD.) A CHANGE OF BASE. , IOQ PRIM (aside to TARBOX). She always was a flirt, Hezekiah, but we would n t change, would we ? CAPT. DASHWOOD. And now, dearest Flora, if Miss Prim leaves you, you can t live alone ; and you know my furlough only lasts a week, and writing letters is very unsatisfactory FLORA. Yes ! I 11 never write another letter as long as I live ! CAPT. DASHWOOD. It is n t like seeing one another face to face, is it? FLORA. No ! indeed it is. not ! CAPT. DASHWOOD. Then the only thing to do, is for us to be married immediately, and I can take you back with me to Fortress Monroe TARBOX (to PRIM). And I 11 take you back to the State of Maine, where I 11 turn my baggonet into a prewning- hook, pretty darned quick. (To the audience.} And if any on ye ever come within a mile of Skow- hegan, think of yer friend Tarbox, and stop / IIO A CHANGE OF BASE. SONG. AIR, "A little dance to-night" CAPT. DASHWOOD. We wish you a pleasant journey back To that delightful town, And think you re better mowing hay, Than mowing Rebels down. Our country now needs all her sons, She 11 miss you, it is true, But she has seven hundred thousand left, And I think we 11 pull her through ! Then fare you well, Mr. Tarbox, Mr. Tarbox, Mr. Tarbox, And fare you well, Mrs. Tarbox, we Change our Base to morrow ! (To FLORA.) A soldier s time is short, my love, P^orgive this hasty wooing, But though the knot be quickly tied, You 11 find there s no undoing ! And if our country need her sons, She needs her daughters too, Together we re thirty-five millions strong, And I think we 11 see her through ! Then fare you well, Mr. Tarbox, Mr. Tarbox, Mr. Tarbox, And fare you well, Mrs. Tarbox, we Change our Base to morrow ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN; OR, THE VIOLENT REMEDY. CHARACTERS. MR. BENJAMIN BACKBAY. JULIA BACKBAY. MRS. POST. DR. MONDSCHEIN. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. SCENE I. Mr. Backtabs House. A Table with Breakfast. MR. BACKBAY (alone}. HALF past nine o clock in the morning, and no Mrs. Backbay ! A hard case, indeed, that I should always breakfast alone ! I did n t foresee that, when I married Julia Spinner into a new house with all the modern improvements. Rail roads, contracts, petroleum, gold mines, all get up, but there s no getting Julia up ! This comes of the "marriage of a prominent and influential citizen, well known in financial circles, with a young and lovely ornament of our most distin guished and fashionable haut ton . I m the citi zen, Julia s the ornament. I go to bed, she goes to balls. Dancing is her passion, my aversion ; and when Julia turns out, I turn in, both in white. Ah ! here she comes, dead beat after the Fagends great blow-out Enter MRS. BACKBAY (yawning). Good morning, Mrs. Backbay. Il6 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. MRS. BACKBAY. What! off already? MR. BACKBAY. Already indeed ! Why, I Ve shaved by gas, been to the end of Long Wharf, bought the dinner, ate my breakfast, and read the papers MRS. BACKBAY. What a horrid Goth ! Such a lovely ball, Mr. Backbay ! I danced every dance, till the music fell asleep, so provokingly, just as I was giving Herbert Thompson a final turn. Dear Mr. Back- bay, if you would only learn to dance, you dear old c} uc k Why, Mr. Jiganti s old enough to be your father, and dances in the most heav enly way, with one foot in the grave ! MR. BACKBAY. Pshaw ! you won t catch me putting my foot in it MRS. BACKBAY (sings). AIR "Were I a bird, love." Had I my way, love, Soon would I teach it thee ! State Street, and business, all Given up should be. Never mind your stocks and shares, Never mind your bulls and bears, Dance, and you 11 see your cares Waltzing away ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 1 1/ I, too, have trials, love, Housekeeping s such a tease ! Furnace cracks the furniture, Water-pipes will freeze. But let a waltz begin, Round, round I gaily spin, Then I don t care a pin, No, no, not I ! MR. BACKBAY (handing invitation cards). Here s more of their tomfoolery laid out for two weeks ahead ! MRS. BACKBAY. How nice ! " Mrs. A. J. Tinker requests the pleasure," " Mrs. T. Pike Robinson requests the pleasure," " Mrs. Collingwood Dabchick re quests," " Mrs. Orville Rich requests," O, with a note from my dearest Rosalba ! (Reads.) " Dear est Julia, I have worried mamma, and plagued papa, into having the German here Thursday week. Is n t it sweet ? And, my dear, my things are through the Custom-House, and I shall have my new Roget silk, made and trimmed precisely like the Empress s. Is rit it sweet ? Of course we depend on you. You know you cant resist the German. So, my dear, come, and talk it over with, yours a jamais, Rosie Rich. P. S. Fred implored me to wait a month for his moustache ; but I could n t, would n t, should n t ! " MR. BACKBAY. (Aside) Who the devil s the German f (Aloud.) My dear, Thursday week s your aunt s. Il8 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. , MRS. BACKBAY. My aunt s ? MR. BACKBAY. Tea, at Aunt Post s, at Newton Coiner. MRS. BACKBAY. I 11 put it off, I 11 say the horses are lame ! MR. BACKBAY. Then the Needlewoman s Friend will get her money. MRS. BACKBAY. I 11 work her an Afghan. MR. BACKBAY. More likely you 11 catch a Tartar ! MRS. BACKBAY. I would n t miss that German, no, not for the world ! MR. BACKBAY. The German again ! I don t like it ! MRS. BACKBAY. O Mr. Backbay ! your heart is dead to the delight of dancing. The waltz-music so delicious- ly blends joy and sadness, that the very soul seems to sway, and float away into Elysium ! Music, flowers, perfumes, toilets, Champagne, and the German, make heaven on earth ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. MR. BACKBAY. (Aside.) Some d d Count s round. (Aloud.) I wish, Mrs.- Backbay, you did n t run this thing quite so much into the ground. It s all very well for a girl to polk a few thousand miles when she gets out of school, but in my humble opinion, ma am, a full-grown female, with an adult hus band, and an A i establishment, had better be minding her kitchen and her nursery. There s buttons enough, ma am, off my shirts, to keep you busy till decent folks bedtime, every night in the week ! MRS. BACKBAY. A pretty programme, sir, for a lady ! You should have married in your own sphere ! MR. BACKBAY. O, bosh ! MRS. BACKBAY. You have no heart, and no taste ! MR. BACKBAY. Or I should n t have chosen you. MRS. BACKBAY. Thank you, sir ; I might have married Lieuten ant Ambergris MR. BACKBAY. And lived on his buttons. I2O DOCTOR MONDSCHEIh. MRS. BACKBAY. Thank heaven, I have one escape from your barbarities ! and I only beg, that, while I do not interfere with your pursuits, you will leave me to follow mine. MR. BACKBAY. Follow the German, I suppose. MRS. BACKBAY. Yes, sir, the German, if I please. MR. BACKBAY. To the Devil, ma am ? MRS. BACKBAY. To the Hartz Mountains, sir ! MR. BACKBAY. The Heart s what ? That I call cool ! Mrs. Backbay, this thing must stop, it must stop, I say, or there 11 be mischief! MRS. BACKBAY. What thing ? MR. BACKBAY. This this this German ! MRS. BACKBAY. Never ! MR. BACKBAY. Now ! Face your infatuation like a man. Struggle with it, wrestle with it, break it down, bottle it up, cast it away ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 12 f MRS. BACKBAY. Abandon the German ? Never ! I adore the German, live for the German, dream of the German ! MR. BACKBAY. Julia ! Madam ! Such sentiments disgrace you ! I am amazed at your assurance in uttering them to me. My eyes are opened, and my hair stands on end ! I shall say no more at present, as it is time for me to attend a meeting, but leave you to reflect on the awful consequences of per sistence in this wickedness. (Aside.) I must talk over this delicate matter with Aunt Post, confi dentially, through an ear-trumpet. [Exit. MRS. BACKBAY (alone). So violent ! so unreasonable ! so ridiculous ! A scene about my harmless diversion ! my only relief from the odious, stupid, tedious life I live ! I m quite upset by it, my head aches, my heart beats, my eyes are red ! I shall look like a perfect fright leading a German with red eyes ! I 11 send for that Homoeopathic Physi cian who has done such wonders with Florence Fagend. You take sweet little pills, in dear little bottles, and you re all right, Florence says, and nothing the matter with you ! I 11 send for him this minute ! [Exit. 122 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. SCENE II. Mrs. Post s House. Mrs . Post seated, knitting. Enter Mr. Backbay. MRS. POST (without looking], Peter, I should say, kill both, Peter Lor Mr. Backbay, pray excuse me ; I thought it was Peter, about the pigs. I did n t hear you ring, though I can hear the Orthodox bell, when the wind s easterly, as it most always is. How is my darling Julia ? gay as ever ? MR. BACKBAY. In the very vortex, ma am, of dissipation. MRS. POST. I m so glad, Benjamin, to have her expensive education come into play. To think that the little girl who fell into the duck-pond should be such an ornament to society as dear Julia is, and such a fine dresser too. Did the pea-soup ever come out of her purple silk ? MR. BACKBAY. I have come to consult you on a very delicate business MRS. POST. I should try benzine. MR. BACKBAY. and one in which I feel the greatest per plexity how to act. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 123 MRS. POST. Without caution, the spot may spread, and some object to the smell, but MR. BACKBAY. I m very wretched MRS. POST. Try benzine ! MR. BACKBAY. I m quite overpowered MRS. POST. Rub in a little musk, or ottar of rose, and you won t perceive it, you won t perceive it MR. BACKBAY. I wish to act with vigour MRS. POST. Put in a new breadth ! MR. BACKBAY. but without precipitation MRS. POST. Perhaps a back breadth could be managed. MR. BACKBAY. and I 11 try to hide my indignation MRS. POST. So you could ! Hide it under a broad velvet trimming, 124 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. MR. BACKBAY. though gored to desperation ! MRS. POST. Gored ? Then there s nothing but benzine, for goring cuts up your stuff awfully, and leaves you no resource against such accidents as happen in the best society. MR. BACKBAY (very loud). It s worse than pea-soup, Aunt Post ! MRS. POST. Not fish-ball ? I once had one in my lap through a whole dinner ! MR. BACKBAY. I have been very careless, and Julia sadly im prudent, and great distress to both may be the result. MRS. POST. Why, Benjamin, how you frighten me ! What has happened ? MR. BACKBAY. You know Julia s fondness for admiration, I fear it may have carried her too far. MRS. POST. Now, if it s the old story about Captain Beverly Bean, you may feel quite easy, Benjamin. DOCTOR MONDSCHE1N. 125 MR. BACKBAY. No, it s not Beverly Bean. // s a German. Julia is madly in love with a German. Raves about him ! Dreams of him ! Tells me so to my face. MRS. POST. My niece, Julia Spinner that was, in love with a German ? I 11 not believe it, brought up as Julia s been, never ! never ! NEVER ! MR. BACKBAY. It s time she was brought up with a round turn. See her, and hear it for yourself. I tell you, she s desperate, she s not herself ! Come to her, dear madam. Reason with her. One ef fort, before I cast her off forever, and join Brig- ham Young. MRS. POST. If Julia goes off with a German, every cent of mine goes to the Sailors Snug Harbor ! MR. BACKBAY. Come, before my affections are forever alienated, and my passage paid to Utah ! MRS. POST. What do you think of Tufts College ? MR. BACKBAY. Persuade her to renounce this German 126 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. MRS. POST. A needy, though meritorious institution MR. BACKBAY. Or I give her up ! I won t play second riddle to a German ! Hang the fellow ! MRS. POST. Benjamin, I ll come in, I ll come in, and ascertain from Julia herself what all this means. I am slow, I confess, to prejudge her conduct ; but if your suspicions are founded, and my appeal prove vain, I think it will be the Sailors, on con dition, however, that they give up tobacco ! MR. BACKBAY. I trust you will be able to mend matters. If not, I wash my hands of her, and disappear at once. I could n t show my face on Change, or walk round the Common. I should be the talk of all the Insurance Offices and Sewing-Circles, the victim of a million carping, gibing lies, and at the mercy of every idle tongue and pen in the community ! MRS. POST. Have you seen this object of your fears and sus picions, Mr. Backbay ? MR. BACKBAY. Should n t know him from an organ-grinder. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. I2/ MRS. POST. Has Julia received him at the house, Benjamin? MR. BACKBAY. Not she ! There d be murder ! Ma am, murder! MRS. POST. Benjamin, be calm, and I shall bear up as I can against the evidences of my niece s misconduct. Have you intercepted their correspondence, noticed flowers about, or heard singing under the windows at night ? MR. BACKBAY. I can t say I have, that is, distinctly, that I can now recall. MRS. POST (sarcastically], I have heard of husbands supposed to devote more attention to business and billiards than to their domestic concerns, and who are so occupied with stocks, whist, horses, and male dinner-parties, that their wives are left to their own meditations. MR. BACKBAY. Yes, ma am, and 7 have heard of ladies who, instead of staying at home, to run the machine, are so full of fashions and folly and flummery, of shopping and dressing, and dancing .... MRS. POST. Pray don t be at the pains of going through the list, sir. I have heard hundreds of men talk, 128 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN- hundreds 01 times, about women, and they all talked like fools ! MR. BACKBAY. Upon my word, ma am, they knew whom they were talking to ! MRS. POST. A gallant speech, Mr. Backbay ! Now I dare say the German gentleman s manners, and opin ions about ladies, are quite the reverse of yours, and if he s in narrow circumstances, perhaps he d give you a few lessons, which would do you, Ben jamin, a world of good. MR. BACKBAY. I doubt if he and I improve each other much when we meet, ma am. MRS. POST. Well, Benjamin, you have n t met him yet ; and for a matter-of-fact man, going on to threescore, I begin to regard him as a highly poetical crea tion. I sha n t alter my will till I have seen him through my own glasses, and meantime I advise you, Benjamin, to drop the green spectacles of a jealous husband, and leave things to me and Julia. MR. BACKBAY. Good bye, ma am. You may laugh, but you 11 find me terribly in earnest ! [Exit. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. SCENE III. Mrs. jBd+kity s Drawing-rod m. Enter Dr. Mond- schein. DR. MONDSCHEIN (cu<mc). Schon. So ist gut. Ja. Fine haus, dieser. Rich peoples. Eats und trinks zu viel iuimer. Then they cry, " Doctor, ach ! mine head ! ach ! mine heart ! ach ! my eye ! So ist gut. They speak ver long, so much I hear. I look more mourn ful, shake my head so grave. "Ver bard," I say. " You poolsation more als von hundert. You tongue so green *as grass. You systeme ganz gebroken down. Ja. Gut for nicht. So miissen sie now die small pill take in so und in fiinf- zehn minuten besser grow, und ganz wohl in von hour time. You pay me five dollar." Schon. Enter MRS. BACKBAY. Madame (Bows), I am flattened by your com mand MRS. BACKBAY. Permit me, Doctor, to consult your extraordi nary skill in treatment of nervous affections. DR. MONDSCHEIN. Madame, you are flatter still ! MRS. BACKBAY. I suffer from violent alternations of the wildest spirits and the deepest dejection ! I3O DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. i DR. MONDSCHEIN. Ja, is ver wild spirits in my country. Black Forest full full ! MRS. BACKBAY. I sigh, I know not why, and weep for hours alone ; then plunge into the gayest excitement for relief. In the morning, I have a ringing in my ears, and taste a queer taste, and cannot eat any breakfast. I fear my nerves are sadly shat tered ! DR. MONDSCHEIN. Ver bard. Permit me. (Pegs pulse.) You pool- sation more als von hundert. You systeme ganz gebroken down. Gut for nicht. Ja. So. Muss now die small pill take in so Enter MR. BACKBAY unperceived. MR. BACKBAY (aside). The German here ! in my house ! holding my wife s hand ! I 11 listen, and confound them both ! MRS. BACKBAY. O, my poor heart is fluttering so ! DR. MONDSCHEIN. Dear madame, you must trust to me you poor heart. I shall make you so harpy, and I shall kill to-morrow dat bose Geist, dat evil spirit, who make you life now miserable. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 131 MR. BACKBAY (aside). Make way with me ! villain ! MRS. BACKBAY. O, so soon ! by what means ? DR. MONDSCHEIN. Look not so frightful, dear madame. I shall a lethal poison-bottle use, ver mighty potentate, dat give his quietus very sudden, very sure, dear madame. MRS. BACKBAY. I have entire faith in you, and place myself wholly in your hands. DR. MONDSCHEIN. Madame, I am altogether flattened by you con fidence. My devotion shall to you cheek revive the lily and the rose s bloom, the fire to you beauteous eye, the angel music to you voice, and you shall become once more so harpy, and laughable as ever. 9 MR. BACKBAY (aside). When I m dead and gone ! MRS. BACKBAY. I m all impatience ! Send me the precious bot tle, with your directions, which I 11 obey exactly. 132 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. DR. MONDSCHEIN. Madame, I shall have the honour. (Bows.) Ma dame, I take my leave, till afternoon ; when, with you kind permit, I shall again wait upon you another time. MRS. BACKBAY. I shall expect you eagerly. Good morning ; I 11 show you the way down. [Exeunt MRS. BACKBAY and DR. MONDSCHEIN MR. BACKBAY (alone}. Was there ever such an awful concoction ! I can hear the newsboys screaming my " Horrid murder by an exiled Pole in high life ! E-lope- ment of the guilty pair, with their plunder, three cents ! " Ugh, it makes my blood run cold ! And Julia too, so young, and yet as fiendishly capable of diabolical atrocities as Lu- cretia Boardman ! To-morrow, I m to be a dead man. Meantime, I 11 look alive, and try to turn the corner. I 11 eat nothing, I 11 drink nothing, and I 11 sit up all night armed ! If I m bound to step out, and go up, I 11 sell my life dearly, but T 11 try to sell the German first, and Julia into the bargain ! [Exit. DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 133 SCENE IV. Mrs. Backbay alone, sewing Buttons on a Shirt. SONG, THE MARRIED LADY S LAMENT. AIR, "When the Swallows homeward fly." When the chairs are ranged arounc When the partners all are found, When the band begins to play, And slow-coaches go away, When the German waits for me, Where shall I, their leader, be ? I must sit at home, alone, Sewing, yes, sewing shirt-buttons on ! When all Beacon Street is dressed In its newest and its best, Flowers, diamonds, and lace, Crinolines of heavenly grace, I, the envied of them all, Shall be here, not at the ball, In an old alpaca gown, Sewing, yes, sewing shirt-buttons on ! Ah ! how different men become When you live with them at home ! No more having yourx>wn way, You must do just what they say, Here s the moral of my rhyme, Girls, be warned, be warned in time ! Don t marry, and sew buttons on, Husbands, yes, husbands spoil all our fun ! A ring at the bell ! how it jars my poor nerves ! Ah ! Mr. Backbay ! you little imagine the an- 134 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. guish occasioned by your brutalities to your poor wife ! [MR. BACKBAY S head rises cautiously behind the sofa. Enter SERVANT. SERVANT. The German gem man, ma am. Enter DR. MONDSCHEIN. DR. MONDSCHEIN. Madame, I have the most high honour to wait upon you, with the potentate in the leetle bottle for the Evil Spirit. MRS. BACKBAY. I shall lose no time in trying its powers, and, if your word be made good, I shall forever bless you as my preserver MR. BACKBAY (wishing out with a pistol]. Give me the bottle ! Silence ! or I shoot ! MRS. BACKBAY. Benjamin, are you mad ? MR. BACKBAY. Yes, I mean to plead insanity ! ( Pours contents of bottle into two tumblers with water.} (To DR. MONDSCHEIN.) Here, your Royal High ness, oblige me by tossing that off ! DR. MONDSCHEIN. Ich verstehe nicht, donnerwetter ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. I3J MR. BACKBAY. Down with it, man ! My health and long life, Or I shoot ! (DOCTOR drinks with wry face,} Now be off, and die in the Public Garden ! You shall have a statue. (Pushes him out. ) Woman ! take the rest ! Drink it ! MRS. BACKBAY. My Benjamin is mad ! (Shrieks.) MR. BACKBAY. No words ! Drink it, I say, or I 11 shoot ! [She drinks. There ! now I m comparatively easy. I feel like taking a cold bite, and something to drink, minus, of course, the poison. MRS. BACKBAY. Benjamin, if you are Benjamin, explain this extraordinary conduct ! MR. BACKBAY. I m as Benjamin as possible, thank you, and the thing s as clear as mud. I can convict you out of your own mouth. You confessed your love for the German this morning ; I objected, you insisted ; I opposed, you resisted ; I remonstrated, you persisted. I flew to your aunt, shouted the whole story, and (Very loud) she s on her way from Newton Corner in a carryall ! She may arrive in time, or she may not. I came back, found the German closeted with you, overheard the 136 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. plot to poison me and marry *each other,- took the hint, and here I am ! The Baron must beg; a to feel pretty badly by this time. He 11 soon keel up, like Maffeo Morey in the opera ! MRS. BACKBAY. Mr. Backbay, this whole thing is a delusion, an absurd series of errors ! " The German " is not a German, and the other German is not a Baron. I hope I make it perfectly clear ? If not, I will. The German I love is a harmless dance ; the other German is an equally harmless Homoeopath, and the bottle contained a harmless remedy ! MR. BACKBAY (confounded}. Whew ! I see. I m sold. I was wrong. And I frankly forgive you all. I 11 rush into the Public Garden after the German, as is a German, and beg him not to swell up, and die on my account. Have supper ready for three. [Exit. MRS. BACKBAY. I don t know whether to laugh or cry at this termination ! I feared my dancing days were over, rnd that Benjamin would be measured for a strait-jacket. (Rings.) If he can mollify Dr. Mondschein, all will be well. (To servant.) Bring in the tray with wine and refreshments. I hear them ! What can I say ? I certainly never ex pected to see my husband leading a German ! DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 137 Enttr MR. BACKBAY and the DOCTOR arm in arm, taking snuff. MR. BACKBAY (sneezing). (Aside to MRS. BACKBAY.) The dodge is intermittent insanity. (Aloud.) My dear, I Ve confided to the Doctor the secret of my unhappy infirmity, and he pardons its extravagance. His eagle eye at once detected it. (DOCTOR taps forehead.) Saw that mind had succumbed to opulence, and might fly off the handle any minute ! He undertakes my case, and will visit me daily, and d n the expense. DR. MONDSCHEIN (bowing). Systeme quite gebroken down. Gut for nicht. MR. BACKBAY. Well, it does want winding up, and we 11 all fall to, and recruit. Sit by your fair patient, Doctor, and, this time, I won t meddle with your prescrip tions. (They sit and eat and drink.) Doctor, you sing ? All Dutchmen eat and drink and sing. DR. MONDSCHEIN. Ja wohl. If madame permit, I shall sing of my grandfader, and der Evil Spirit. SONG, MARGRAVE VON BUTTERBROD. AIR, " Huntsman s Chorus." Der Freischutz. My grandfather he was Ober-Kellner To the Margrave von Butterbrod, residing in Bavaria, And once, when they went to hunt the wild boar, The Margrave lost his way in the woods ! 138 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. And the rain it did pour, And the thunder did roar, Such lightning, he swore, He had ne er seen before, And by each flash he saw Some fifty thousand fiends or more I Follo\v,hark! the dogs bark ! Follow, hark ! It grows dark ! What a bore ! what a bore ! Says the Margrave, " Did you ever ? No I never, no, I never ! Never knew such a bore, Horrid nasty bore, DER TEUFEL TAKE THE WHOLE CONCERN ! Now Lucifer was present in a twinkling, And knocked down my grandf ther, and carried off the Mar grave, Bellowing like a locomotive engine, Never to be heard of more ! At the fiend s awful yell, And the strong sulphur smell, My grandfather soon Awoke from his swoon When a red-hot harpoon Ran through his leather pantaloon ! P^ollow,hark ! See that spark ! In the dark ! Follow, hark ! What a bore ! What a bore ! Says my grandf ther, "Did you ever?" No I never ! No I never ! Never knew such a bore, Horrid nasty bore, I d better cut the whole concern ! So this job finished up the Margrave, But t is said that his skeleton rampages round a-horseback, DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 139 Yelling on the traces of the wild-boar, Followed by his demon crew ! And his steed madly bounds, And away go his hounds, And his horn wildly sounds, As they all go their rounds, Till the whole wood resounds With the riot of the Spectre Hunt ! Follow, hark ! Stiff and stark ! Follow, hark ! What a lark ! What a bore ! What a bore ! Go it, Margrave ! Did you ever ? No, I never, no, I never ! Never knew such a bore, Horrid nasty bore, And crash went the whole concern ! (During the last verse, MRS. POST enters, in bonnet and shawl^ and stands amazed, unseen.,} MR. BACKBAY. Bless my soul ! And do I understand you, sir, that all that really took place ? DR. MONDSCHEIN. Every wort true ! MRS. BACKBAY. And your interesting grandfather, does he still live f DR. MONDSCHEIN. Madame, he went up ten year ago. He is a Ghost ! MRS. POST. Well, I never ! 140 DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. MR. BACKBAY (perceiving her). My dear aunt, the least said, the soonest mended. We all have our faults (except myself), and " all the clouds that lowered upon our house " have happily ended in Moonshine ! SONG. AIR, " Trab, trab." MRS. BACKBAY (to the ladies]. And if your nerves are shattered As mine are, I declare ! Don t hurry off to Europe To see physicians there, But try my doctor s skill ; He ll cure you, yes he will, Just send for Dr. Mohdschein, (he lives at Chestnut Hill,) Yes, send for Dr. Mondschein, and take his little pill. AUNT POST. Young girls, who dance till morning, I, too, was young and gay ; But ah ! by me take warning, In one night I ve turned grey. Hair black as raven s quill, Now white as my cap-frill, I 11 have this Dr. Mondschein, (he may restore me still,) I 11 send for Dr. Mondschein, and take his little pill. DR. MONDSCHEIN (to the gentlemen). And if to pay you taxes You have to work ver hard, Or if you speculations Should all turn out ver bard; DOCTOR MONDSCHEIN. 14! If all dat make you ill, Trust not to lesser skill, But send for Dr. Mondschein, (der Allopath would kill,) Ja, send for Dr. Mondschein, and take my leetle pill ! TOGETHER. So, now our play is ended, We hope you re satisfied, The critics now before us That question must decide ! And if you re ever ill, Just send to Chestnut Hill, Yes, send for Dr. Mondschein, (don t mind his little bill,) Yes, send for Dr. Mondschein, and take his LIT-TLE PILL ! Cambridge : Stereotyped and Printed by Welch, Bigelow, & Co. 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT. This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. REC D LD BCLCBL REC.CIR. JUL2 9l 81 NOVl General Library University of California U.C. BERKELEY LIBRARIES CDDS53MDb7 996811 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY