UC-NRLF 
 
 
 
 I- I 
 HI 
 
" Come, now, s posiug we strike up a trade. I ve took a sort of a sneaking no 
 tion to that are new-fashioned_side-saddle. So, if you ll throw in the tackling, 
 I ll give you ten dollars for it, cash on the nail." Page 150. 
 
"I wish you could a seen that Astor House chap when he read the name ; he 
 looked as if he didn t know what to du, but at last he stepped back, and made 
 a bow, and sez he " Page 184. 
 
HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 BY 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK, ESQ., 
 
 WEATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT. 
 
 LETTERS TO MR. ZEPHARIATI SLICK, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, 
 DEACON OF THE CHURCH OVER TO WEATHERSFIELD 
 IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT. 
 
 EMBELLISHED WITH ILLUSTRATIVE ENGRAVINGS. 
 
 P I) i 1 a b 1 1 p I) i a : 
 
 T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS, 
 
 300 CHESTNUT STREET. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by 
 
 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS., 
 In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 
 
JONATHAN SENDS A PREFACE. 
 
 A letter was dispatched to Weathersfield requesting Mr. 
 Slick to forward a preface for his volume of epistles, but 
 that gentleman instead sent the following letter, which is so 
 fall of his own peculiar humor that his friends will no doubt 
 gladly accept of it in lieu of one. 
 
 THE PUBLISHERS. 
 
 WKATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT. 
 
 GENTLEMEN, SURS : 
 
 Your letter got tu the old humstead last night, nigh upon 
 bed time, and it eenamcst upsot me to think that a feller 
 that s printed so many smashing books, had got a notion tu 
 print my Letters tu, and asked my consent jest as mealy 
 mouthed as a feller asks the gal he s been a courting to yoke 
 in with him for life. 
 
 Now about the price of them are letters when they are 
 all fixed out in a book. I ain t much acquainted with that 
 sort of trading ; but I reckon you ll have to go a notch 
 higher yit. I never yit heard of a Slick s taking the fust 
 offer for any thing, and I ve cut my eye teeth as well as the 
 rest on em, if I du write. Say ten or fifteen dollars more 
 now, and mebby it 11 du, providing you give in a set of them 
 are stories of the Revolution with picters, and some of the 
 smashing novels that have got your names tu them, for rny 
 book-shelf in the back-room. Come up tu the murk on this 
 point, and I ll agree tu sign off any time you want me tu, 
 and I hope the book 
 a forked rod. 
 
 ILgo off like a flash of lightning down 
 Mi 467 
 
y PREFACE. 
 
 But you want me to write something with a pesky new 
 fangled name that has eenamost upsot me. Write a preface! 
 What on arth is a preface ? I can pull an even yoke with 
 any York chap yet, at writing a letter ; but when you come 
 to talk of prefaces, darn me if I know what the critters are. 
 Your letter kinder riled me up. The first thing I did was 
 to get down the old goose quill and ink-bottle and go to 
 work. I was a most tuckered out a grinding cider all day, 
 but the thoughts of having my name on the kiver of a 
 smashing book with picters in it, sot my genius to working 
 like a yeast pot ; but then how tu begin with this new 
 fangled consarn there it was agin. I got the old diction 
 ary and tried to find out what a preface was ; but I might 
 as well have tried to make timber out of pine shavings. 
 "Something to go before a speech, or a book, or an essay, 
 to tell what they re about." Now if it jiad said an old hoss 
 leading off an ox-team with a cart behind, I could have sent 
 the animal at once, fresh and chirk from the cider mill ; 
 but how to tackle an idea on a book and make it pull, is 
 more than I am up to, without knowing more about the sort 
 of literary animal you want to use, and the harness that fits 
 him. I ain t rusted out yit, by no manner of means ; but I 
 don t mean to make a coot of myself by tackling in with any 
 strange animal till I know what he is. Now take a pen in 
 hand tu once and let me know what it is that you want, arid 
 you can depend on me, fodder or no fodder ; but keep dark 
 about my having to ask about it. I don t want all tho 
 literary chaps in York a poking fun at me. 
 
 Wai, yes, I ain t ashamed to own it, I am tickled eena 
 most tu death with the idee of my letters being printed in a 
 harnsome book with tip-top picters in it. But about my 
 likeness, taken for the Morning Express when I first come tu 
 York, with the corn-colored coat and pepper-and-salt trow- 
 sers and old bi ll crown gauly, how I sot by that old hat 1 
 Wai, as I was saying about that are likeness, I han t UP 
 
PREFACE. V 
 
 objections tu its going inside the kiver jest as it was. But 
 like all great literary characters, I reckon there s been a 
 pretty considerable improvement in me since I began to 
 write, and, like our old barn that s been shingled and clap- 
 boarded over, I m the same critter yet, timbers and all; but 
 I reckon you ll find that I ve slicked up the outside a few, 
 and grown a little more pussy since the old pepper-and-salt 
 eaw the day. 
 
 Now I ll tell you jest how you d better manage it. Put 
 the picter you speak on inside the kiver ; but on the outside 
 jest have me pictered out in a bran new hat, that Mr. 
 Genin sent me jest afore I left York. It s about as near 
 like the old one, as a son ought to be like his par. Don t 
 forget my velvet vest, finefied off with curlecues, and my 
 blue coat with the shining buttons ; and if you don t git a 
 picter that ll make the gals eyes water, your artists down 
 there in York don t know a good looking chap when they 
 see him, or can t paint him if they du. 
 
 Now about writing another book, I raly don t know what 
 tu say. Them letters of mine eenamost tuckered me out at 
 the time ; but somehow I d give all creation to be at era 
 again, and one of these days I may pluck up grit and take 
 a trip over tu England. If I du, by the living hokey, you ll 
 find John Bull in a tantrum by the time I ve got through 
 with him. That are English lord that I writ about in my 
 letters, gave me an invite tu come tu England, and mebby 
 he ll see a good looking chap about my size on t other side 
 the fishing pond some day or other. Who knows ? 
 
 You want to know if I feel content to give up life among 
 the big bugs in New York, and settle down here in the 
 country. Wai, now, between you and I and the post, I du 
 feel a trifle melancholy now and then. Foddering cattle, 
 going tu mill and chopping ovenwood ain t jest the thing tu 
 rile up the poetry in a feller s bosoin ; and onion tops and 
 garden sars generally ain t considered the sort of greens 
 
Yl PREFACE. 
 
 that a literary chap wants put round his head, though 
 they re awful refreshing to the stomach. But then again, 
 my par, the deacon, is getting to be a purty old man, and 
 
 Judy ; but what s the use of talking arter a feller s 
 
 under the harrow ? 
 
 Wai, if I ain t contented, I sartinly ought to be, if the 
 women folks are judges, and it s quite a considerable time 
 since I ve thought it worth while to have a tussel for any 
 opinion of my own. But tu own right up, I du hanker 
 awfully tu get off into the world agin ; but, for gracious, 
 sake, don t say a word about it. I should never hear the 
 last of it, if you did, for Judy hates city gals like rank 
 pisin, and is allfired jealous that I m hankering to git among 
 em again. 
 
 I don t know how I ever cum to write this ere long letter, 
 but somehow, when I set down, pen in hand, the old natuf 
 will bile up and run on. 
 
 Now about that are consarned preface, jest set down tu 
 once and describe the way it s to be done, and I ll undertake 
 it, for I want tu make the book first chop ; and if you want 
 more team, I m the chap tu hitch it on, the minit you let a 
 feller know what s wanted. So, hoping you ll be particular 
 about the preface, 
 
 I m yours tu command, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK 
 
 P. S. Don t forget to have my watch chain and things 
 a hanging outside of the vest, and put my two big rings 
 with stones in em, on my left hand. I say nothing, but 
 there may be gals in New York that would like tu see them 
 are rings agin, but take them off from all the kivers you 
 send into these parts now, I tell you. J. S. 
 
CONTENTS, 
 
 LETTER L 
 
 PAOK 
 
 First Impressions of New York Visit to the Counting-room of a 
 City CousinAdvice to his Clerk Description of a City Resi 
 dence and its Inmates . . ... 13 
 
 LETTER H. 
 The Family Dinner and Effects of July Cider 23 
 
 LETTER HI. 
 
 Jonathan visits the Express Office Sensations on seeing himself 
 in Print 27 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 The Political Meeting and its Disasters 83 
 
 LETTER V. 
 A Little of Jonathan s Private Love Affaire 39 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 BMi 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 Jonathan s Opinions of Ministerial Interference A Card of 
 Invitation, and an Evening Party at Cousin Beebe s, in which 
 Jonathan makes some Mistakes and a Lady Acquaintance .... 44 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 Scenes in Broadway Jonathan s Interview with the Count 
 and Flirtations with Miss Miles 69 
 
 LETTER VIIL 
 The Morning Call A Coquette- s .Dressing Room 78 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 A New York Parvenu Jonathan s Account of his Cousin Jason 
 Slick, and how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on 
 soft sodder The dinner of a Connecticut Coaster A New 
 York Coat of Arms, lions couchant and levant Yankee An 
 cestry The way a Yankee speculates, and gets up States, 
 Railroads and Banks, by soft sodder 87 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 New-Year s Calls A real Yankee s New-Year s Treat of Dough 
 nuts and Cider Jonathan s ideas of the real difference 
 between a real lady s House and Furniture and the House of 
 a stuck-up Parvenu Jonathan s ideas of Love and Ladies. . 99 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 Visit to the Park Theatre First Impressions of the Poetry of 
 Motion, as written on the air, in the aerial feats of Mademoi 
 selle Celeste First shock at the exhibition of a Ballet Cos 
 tume accompanied by the " twinkles" of Celeste s feet with 
 her pigeon wings, double-shuffles, gallopades, and pirouettes, 117 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 Jonathan receives an Invitation to a Fancy Ball Dilemma 
 about the Dress Choice of a Character, &c 129 
 
CONTENTS. IX 
 
 FAOl 
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 Jonathan Slick and the Grand Fancy Ball Jonathan in the 
 character of an Injun, and Cousin Beebe in the character of 
 Jonathan Cousin Mary as Jonathan s Squaw Jonathan 
 among Kings and Queens, Spaniards, Turks and Jews 
 Jonathan meets his pussey Cousin in the character of a 
 Turk Jonathan cuts his pussey Cousin 133 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 Advice to Jonathan from the Humstead Jonathan s Criticism 
 on his Brother Sam s book The Ennui of Jonathan in good 
 Society Jonathan s entree into a Milliner s Establishment, and 
 sad mistake about a Side-saddle 143 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 
 Jonathan visits the Milliner Girl Reflections about her Sit 
 uation 154 
 
 LETTER XVI. 
 
 In which Jonathan shows up the Hardships of Sewing Girls 
 Describes a Tammany Hall Ball Milliner Aristocracy and 
 Exclusiveness Informs the reader how Miss Josephine Bur 
 gess took a tall man with whiskers into her Establishment, 
 who took her in in return The desperation of a little Apo 
 thecary His Marriage, and the Ascent of Miss Josephine Bur 
 gess from the front store to a work room a little higher up. . 156 
 
 LETTER XVH. 
 
 Jonathan gets 111 and Homesick Resists all entreaties to g 
 to Washington, and resolves on going back to " the Humstead 
 with Captain Doolittle 173 
 
 LETTER XVIII. 
 
 Jonathan s Arrival in New York from the Onion Beds at 
 Weathersfield Jonathan puts up at the Astor House His 
 notion of that great Heap of Stones Jonathan s Ideas of a 
 New York Cab, and the usual quarrel of a Stranger with 
 Cabmen A Sensation is created at the Astor 180 
 
X CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER XIX. 
 
 A live Yankee and the Parisian Danseuse Fanny sends her 
 Card and Jonathan makes a call Down East Yankee and 
 French-English rather hard to be understood Jonathan quite 
 killed off by Fanny s Curchies and Dimples A little sort of 
 a Flirtation An Invitation to see Fanny in Nathalie, which is 
 accepted , 188 
 
 LETTER XX. 
 
 Jonathan goes to the Express Office His Opinion of Zeke Jones 
 and the "Brother Jonathan" Newspaper Explains his Ab 
 sence, and enters into a new Agreement with the Editors. ... 197 
 
 LETTER XXI. 
 
 Jonathan Visits Mr. Hogg s Garden and gets a Bouquet Puz 
 zled about the propriety of Paying for it Purchases a Ribbon, 
 and starts for the Theatre 202 
 
 LETTER XXII. 
 
 Jonathan gives a Description of the Theatre, Private Boxes, 
 Drop Scene, &c. His Ideas of Miss Elssler s Dancing, and 
 Dancing Girls in general Jonathan mistakes Williams in his 
 Comic Song of " Old Maids and Old Bachelors to Sell," for 
 an Auctioneer who is knocking off, " La Belle Fanny," to the 
 Highest Bidder Jonathan is indignant that she is not his, 
 after so much hard bidding, by winks, Ac. He flings hia 
 Bouquet at Fanny s Feet Jonathan s Visit Behind the Scenes, 
 and his Idea of Things seen there Gallants Fanny home to 
 the Astor House 206 
 
 LETTER XXIII. 
 
 Jonathan gets out of love with Fanny Elssler Doctors the Ague 
 in her Face and Leaves her Receives an Invitation from 
 his Pussey Cousin to a Thanksgiving Dinner, with a three cor 
 nered Note for Lord Morpeth Jonathan s Opinion of the 
 Travelling Lords and Democratic Hospitality 220 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 LETTER XXIV. 
 
 Description of Cousin Jason s Equipage Figure cut by Mrs. Ja- 
 sou Slick and her Daughter Manners of a Noble Lord The 
 Dinner Jason boasts of his Birth ,Heraldry, and Coat of 
 Arms Jonathan creates great Consternation by proclaiming 
 the Head of the Family as a Shoemaker Makes a Speech. . 224 
 
 LETTER XXV. 
 
 Jonathan rides to Mill The Millerite Excitement His Mann 
 waits for the World to come to an End Letter from New 
 York The old White Horse . . .244 
 
 LETTER XXVL 
 
 Jonathan arrives in New York Travels on the Deacon s Mare 
 Has Trouble with the Colt Embarks from Peck Slip, on 
 Capt. Doolittle s Sloop, to meet the President His Intro 
 ductionJonathan s Idea of the Cold Collation The Recep 
 tion Landing at Castle Garden Review of the Troops The 
 Procession, &c . 252 
 
 LETTER XXVH. 
 
 Jonathan attends the President at the Howard House Visits 
 the Park Theatre with the President and his Handsome Girl 
 Goes with Mr. Robert Tyler to have his Hair Cut at Clair- 
 hugh s Takes Refreshments with the Ladies at the Howard 
 House Bed-chamber Scene with the President Serenade, &c. 268 
 
 LETTER XXVHI. 
 
 Jonathan goes to see Mr. Macready Description of the Theatre 
 Introduces himself to a Handsome Girl at the Theatre- 
 Enters into a Flirtation Promises to Visit her Jonathan 
 takes a Novel Method of providing himself with a Fashionable 
 Dress Quarrels with Captain Doolittle Is reconciled, and 
 starts off to make a Morning Call on the Handsome Girl . . . 273 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PA01 
 
 LETTER XXIX. 
 
 Jonathan Visits the Handsome Girl Describes a Gambling- 
 House in the Morning before it is put to rights Visits the 
 Lady s Boudoir Describes the Furniture, the Lady, her Dress, 
 and Conversation Is Interrupted by the Gentleman of the 
 House And leaves with a promise to return and escort Miss 
 Sneers to Mad. Castellan s Concert 275 
 
 LETTER XXX. 
 The Gambling House Jonathan is taken in with Cards 285 
 
f ifa 
 
 LETTER I. 
 
 First Impressions of New York Visit to the Counting-room of a City 
 Cousin Advice to his Clerk Description of a City Residence and 
 its Inmates. 
 
 To Mr. Zephania Slick, Justice of the Peace, and Deacon of the Church, erer to 
 Weathersfield, in the State of Connecticut : 
 
 DEAR PAB : 
 
 I arrived here safe and sound, arter a long and tedious voyage 
 down the river and along shore to this place. The Captain left 
 me to navigate the sloop purty much alone. The lazy coot did 
 nothing on arth but eat raw turnips and drink cider brandy all 
 the way down. I ll be whipped if he warn t more than half 
 corned the hull time. Now it s my opinion that the best thing 
 you can do with that chap is to send him eend foremost about 
 his business jest as quick as he gits back. He don t arn salt to 
 his porrage, nor never did. The first tiling I did arter the sloop 
 was hauled up to the wharf at Peck slip, was to go down to the 
 stores about Fulton market and peddle off the cider brandy and 
 garden sarce. Captain Doolittle wanted to go with me, but you 
 sent me down here as a sort of a supercargo, and I warn t likely 
 to let him stick his nose into my business. 
 
 Hy gracious, if it didn t make me stare to see the purty gals 
 and the harnsome married wimtnen a walking up and down the 
 market among the heaps of beets and cabbages. They looked 
 around mighty kn4 wing, and I rather guess I get ray share of 
 
 (13) 
 
14 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 attention ; but somehow it made rne feel kinder streaked to have 
 them a looking at me so steady, for I hadn t nothing on but my 
 every day clothes, besides, the stock that marm made me out of 
 her old bombasine petticoat, propped up my chin so that I couldn t 
 a stooped to look into a woman s face if I d a wanted tu ever so 
 much. I di> beliove marm and Judy White must a put more than 
 a peck of tatur starch into the lining. It s allfired stiff, that s a 
 fact. 
 
 , , . Wai, I sold.o.ut- the lading to purty good advantage, consider 
 ing the time^. Then I -went down to the sloop, and slicked up 
 .in my. Sunday;, clothes., and. started off full chisel to go and see 
 CGasiilvtFphrt Bbebe. They iold me that he kept store away down 
 Pearl street, eenamost to the Battery ; so I went on, as fast as I 
 could git along through the boxes and barrels that lay in the 
 street, till I come to a great high brick store that had cousin 
 John s name over the door. It seems that John has gone into 
 partnership with a Mr. Co, for that feller s name is on the sign 
 arter his n as large as life. I knew that he and John Wheeler 
 went into company together, but I suppose they wanted more 
 chink than either on em could raise, and so engaged this Mr. 
 Co to help em along. 
 
 I swan if it warn t enough to make a feller dry to see the hogs 
 heads of rum and molasses, and the heaps of tea boxes and sugai 
 barrels, piled up inside the store ; it looked like living, I can tell 
 you. I went through clear to the other eend of the store, for 
 they told me that cousin John was in the counting-room, away 
 back there. 
 
 Wai, I got into the counting-room at last, and a harnsome little 
 room it was, all carpeted and fixed out like some of our best rooms 
 in Connecticut. I hain t seen so purty a store scarce ever. John 
 wasn t there, but I could see that he hadn t got over all his old tricks, 
 for a lot of chestnut shells were trod down round the stove, and 
 there wasn t a few empty bottles standing round under the table 
 and back of the desks. It was enough to turn one s stomach to 
 look at the spit box; it was more than half filled up with pieces 
 of segars, and ends of tobacco, that looked as if they had been 
 chawed over a dozen times or more. I don t see where cousin. 
 John got that trick of smoking and chawing ; I defy any body 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. \Q 
 
 to say he larnud it in old Connect! GUI .. They needn t talk to us 
 about the Yankees, for these Yorkers beat us all holler in them 
 tilings; I hain t forgot the time when John would a turned up 
 his nose at a long nine, as if it had a been pison, but now he s sot 
 himself up for a gentleman there is no knowing what he hain t 
 taken tu. 
 
 There was a chap standing by one of the desks, with the edge 
 of his dickey turned over his stock like an old-fashioned baby s 
 bib, put on wrong side afore and with his hair curled and friz 
 zled up like a gal s. I knew in a minit that this feller couldn t 
 be cousin John, so I went up to him, and sez I : 
 
 44 Friend, can you tell me when Mr. Beebe ill be in ?" The 
 chap took a watch out of his vest pocket about as big as a nine- 
 pence, and sez he 
 
 44 I don t know positively, but I s pose in the course of half an 
 hour or so. It s about time for the banks to close." 
 
 41 Wai," sez I, " I s pose I may as well wait for him, as I ain t 
 in much of a hurry jest now." So I sot down in a chair, and 
 arter lusting my sole leather onto the top of the stove, I begun 
 to scrape acquaintance with the chap, as I went along. 
 
 44 Tough times with you marchants, now, ain t they?" sez I, a 
 looking over the top of the paper. 
 
 "V .j, sez he, a mending his pen. 44 It s as much as we can 
 du to make both eends meet afore the bank s shut up days. Mr. 
 Beebe s out a shinning now." 
 
 44 A what ?" sez I. 
 
 44 A shinning," says he " borrowing money to take up his 
 own notes with, and if he don t get it, I don t know what we 
 shall du." 
 
 4 0h !" sez I to myself, 44 this is the new partner, Mr. Co ; he 
 must have a good chance of money in the consarn, or he wouldn t 
 feel so oneasy." 
 
 44 We was doing a beautiful business," sez he, a shaking his 
 head, u till some of the banks stopped specie payments. I wish 
 they d a been sunk." 
 
 44 No," sez I, i4 that ain t fair, but it s human natur, I s pose to 
 give banks as well as people, a helping kick when they re going 
 down hill. I don t understand much of these things, Mr. Co." 
 
10 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 " My name isn t Co," sez he, a staring; " it s Smith." 
 "What," sez I, " have they got another in the company?" 
 " No," sez he, kinder coloring up ; " I m the assistant book 
 keeper." 
 
 I couldn t but jest keep from giving a long whistle right out, 
 the stuck up varmint! "Wai," sez I, arter a minit, "Mr. 
 Smith, let me give you one piece of advice don l be so ready to 
 sayc<?, and to talk over your employers business with strangers 
 next time. Such things do no good any way, but they may do a 
 good deal of harm. It s the duty of a dark, among us, to attend 
 to that he s paid for, and if he attends to much else, we purty 
 ginerally find out that he ain t good for much in the long run." 
 
 You never saw a feller look so mean as he did when I said this; 
 he turned all manner of colors, and acted mad enough to eat me. 
 I didn t seem to mind him, but took up a newspaper and begun 
 to read, jest as if he wasn t in the room ; and by-am-by I got so 
 deep in the paper, that I forgot all about him or cousin Beebe 
 either. 
 
 Look a-here, Par, if you hain t seen the New York Evening 
 Express, jest stretch your purse-strings a leetle, and subscribe for 
 it. It s a peeler of a paper, I can tell you. You needn t take my 
 word for it though, for I ve made this letter so tarnal long, that 
 it d cost more than the price of a paper a hull year to pay the 
 postage, so I ve a notion to git the editors to print this for me in 
 their primest evening paper, and so you ll git my letters and paper 
 tu, all for five cents. I ll jest give you a little notion how they 
 make the Express, for I read it eenamost through, afore cousin 
 J ohn come. The editors get all the papers in the country to 
 gether, jest as we pick out our apples in cider time, and they go 
 to work and git all that s worth reading out on em, and put it 
 all in one great paper, which they sell for two cents ; so that a 
 feller can know what s said by every editor North and South, on 
 one side and t other, without the trouble of reading but one pa 
 per ; jest as we can git the juice of a bushel of apples all in a 
 pint of cider, after it s once been through the mill. I raly think 
 it s one of the best plans I ever heard on, and I m so s.irtin thai 
 every body will tfke it by-am-by, that I ve a notion that if you d 
 jest as livs let me throw up the onion trade, I ll try and get in to 
 
BY JO\VTH\N SI.IC K. 17 
 
 write for it, but we ll talk all that over by-am-by, arter I ve seen 
 the editors. Major J;ick Downing is writing for them already, 
 and perhaps but I hain t made np my mind about it yit, though 
 I kept a thinking it over all the while I wus a reading in the 
 counting-room. 
 
 Wai, I was jest taking a dive inter the advertisements, when 
 cousin John came in. I raly believe you wouldn t know the crit 
 ter, he s altered so. He s grown as fat and pussy as old lawyer 
 Sikes in our parts, but I raly think he l->oks better for it. I tell 
 you what, his clothes must cost him a few. He hud on a super 
 fine broadcloth coat, that didn t cost a whit less than ten dollars 
 a yard, I wouldn t be afraid to bet a cookey. You could a seen 
 your face in his boots, and his hair was parted on the top of his 
 head, and hung down on the sides of his face and all over his 
 coat collar, till he looked more like a woman in men s clothes 
 than any thing else. I thought I should a haw-hawed out alar- 
 fin, all I could du, though it made me kinder wrathy to see a 
 feller make such an etarnal coot of himself. I thought I d see 
 if he d know me agin, so I on y jist crossed one foot over t other 
 on the top of the stove, and tipt my chair back on its hind legs, 
 and kept on reading as independent as a corkscrew, jest ter see 
 how he d act. 
 
 Wai, he cum right up to the stove, and took his coat tail un 
 der his arms, and begun to whistle as if there warn t nobody in 
 the room. Once in a while as I took a peek over the top of the 
 paper, I could see that he was a looking at me kinder sideways, 
 as if he couldn t exactly make up his mind whether he knew me 
 or not. I felt my heart kinder rising up in my throat, for it put 
 me in mind of old times when we used to weed onions and slide 
 down hill together. At last I couldn t stand it no longer, so I 
 jumped up and flung down the paper, and, says I, u Cousin 
 Beebe, how do you du? " 
 
 He stared like a stuck pig at fust, but I raly believe the feller 
 was glad to see me when he found out who I was, for he shook 
 my hand like all natur. Sez he, " Mr. Slick," sez he, "I m glad 
 to see you down in the city ; how s the deacon, and aunt Eunice., 
 and the Mills gals? You see I han t forgot old times." 
 
 With that we sot into a stream of talk about Weathersfield peo 
 
18 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 pie, and so on that lasted a good two Lours, by the town clock. 
 Arter a while cousin John took out his watch, all gold inside 
 and out, and sez he, 
 
 " Come, Mr. Slick, it s about four o clock go up and take a 
 family dinner with us." 
 
 I rather guess I stared a few, to think of being axed to eat din 
 ner at that time o day ; but as I hadn t eat any thing but a cold 
 bite aboard the sloop since morning, the thoughts of a good 
 warm dinner warn t by no means to be sneezed at. 
 
 " Better late than never," sez I to myself, arter I had put on 
 my hat and stuck my hands in my pantaloons pockets ready for 
 a start. But jest as we wur a going out, there come a feller in to 
 talk over some bisness matters, so sez Cousin Beebe, sez he 
 
 "Here, Mr. Slick, is the number of our house supposin you 
 go along and tell Mrs. Beebe that I ll be home as soon as I can get 
 through a little bisness she wont make a stranger of you." 
 
 I rather guess she won t," sez I, a taking the little piece of 
 paper which he d been a writing on ; " if she does there must a 
 beon an almighty change in her since we used to go to singing 
 school and apple bees together." 
 
 John looked kind a skeery toward the stranger, and begun to 
 fidget about ; so I told him I could find the way and made my 
 self scarce in less than no time for I thought as like as not the 
 feller cum to git him to put his name to a note, or something of 
 that sort ; so I thought I d give him a chance to say no, if he 
 wanted tu. 
 
 By gracious ! Par, I d give a quart of soap if you and marm 
 could a been with me in Broadway as I went along. I couldn t 
 help stopping eenamost every other minit to look into the 
 winders. 
 
 Some of them was chuck full of watches and ear-rings, and 
 silver spoons spread all out like a fan, and lots on lots of finger 
 rings all stuck over a piece of black cloth to make em shine. 
 I ll be darned if it didn t make my eyes ache as if I d been snow 
 blind a week, only jest to look at em as I went along ! I stopped 
 into one store jest by the Park, and bought a silver thimble for 
 marm. and it was as much as I could du to keep from going into 
 one of the stores where I saw such a heap of calicos, to git her a 
 
BY JONATHAN* SLICK. 19 
 
 new gown tu. Bnt I can t begin to write move than a \ riming 
 of what a feller may see as he goes up Broadway. It fairly made 
 me ashamed of our horses, old Polly in perticlar, when I saw 
 tho harnsome critters that the niggers drive about them coaches 
 with here. I tell you what, they make a glistening and a shin 
 ing when they go through the streets chuck full of gals all in 
 their feathers and furbelows ! That Broadway is a leetle lengthy, 
 and no mistake. I believe I footed it more than two miles on 
 them tarnal hard stun walks, afore I got to Bond street, where 
 Cousin Beebe lives, I swan! I thought my feet would a 
 blistered. 
 
 TVal, arter all, I thought I never should a got into the house 
 when I did git to it. It was so allfired high, and a heap of stun 
 steps went up to the door, with a kind of picket fence made out 
 of iron, all curlecued over on the sides. I looked nil over tho 
 door for a knocker, but couldn t find nothing in the shape of one, 
 cnly a square chunk of silver, with cousin Beebe s name writ on 
 it. I rapped with my fist till the skin eenamost peeled off my 
 knuckles, but nobody seemed to hear, and I begun to think the 
 folks warn t to hum, and that I should lose my dinner arter all. 
 I was jest beginning to think it best to make tracks for Peck 
 slip agin, when a feller come by and kinder slacked tackle, and 
 looked as if he was a going to speak. 
 
 " Look a here, you, sir," sez I, " can you tell me whether the 
 folks that live here are to hum or not ? I can t make nobody 
 hear." 
 
 44 Why don t you ring the bell?" sez he, a looking at me as if 
 he never see a man afore. 
 
 I went down the steps and looked up to the ruff of the house, 
 but it was so darned high that I couldn t a seen anything in the 
 shape of a belfry if there d been a dozen on em. 
 
 44 I ll be darned if I can see any bell," sez I to the man, and 
 then he kinder puckered up his mouth, and looked as if he was 
 a going to larf right out. 
 
 44 You seem to be a stranger in the city," sez he. a trying to 
 bite in, for I s pose he see that my danuer was a gitting up. 
 
 44 Ye*," sez I, 44 1 am, and what of that?" 
 
 44 Oh, nothing," sez he, a hauling in his horns quite a consider- 
 
20 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 able. "Jest pull that little silver knob there, and I rather think 
 yon can make them hear." 
 
 With that I went np the steps agin, and give the knob, as ho 
 called it, an almighty jerk, for I felt a little riled about being 
 larfecl at. It warn t half a jiffy afore the door was opened, and 
 a great strapping nigger stood inside, staring at me as if he 
 meant to swaller me hull, without vinegar or gravy sarce. 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "you snowball you, what are you staring at? 
 Why don t you git out of the way and let me cum in?" 
 
 " Who do you want?" sez he, without so much as moving an 
 inch the impudent varmint. 
 
 "What s that to you, you darned lump of charcoal?" sez I; 
 "jest you mind your own bisness and git out of the door." 
 With that I give him a shove and went into the entry-way. 
 When the nigger had picked himself up agin, I told him to go 
 and tell Miss Beebe that her cousin Jonathan Slick, from Weath- 
 ersfield, Connecticut, wanted to see her. 
 
 I wish you could a seen how the feller showed the whites of 
 his eyes when I said this. I couldn t keep from larfin to see him 
 a bowing and scraping to me. 
 
 "Jest step into the drawing-room," sez he, a opening a door; 
 "I will tell Miss Beebe that you are here." 
 
 By the living hokey! I never stepped my foot in such a room 
 as that in all my born days. I raly thought my boot was a sink 
 ing inter the floor, the carpet was so thick and soft. It seemed 
 jest like walking over the onion patches, when they ve jest been 
 raked and planted in the spring time. The winder curtains were 
 all yaller silk with a great heap of blue tossels hanging round the 
 edges, and there was no eend to the little square benches, about 
 as big as marm s milking stool, all kivered over with lambs and 
 rabbits a sleeping among lots of flowers, as nat ral as life. The 
 backs of the chairs were solid mahogany or cherry-tree wood, or 
 something like it, and they were kinder rounded otf and curled 
 in like a butter scoop turned handle downward. Then there 
 were two chairs, all stuffed and kivered with shiney black cloth, 
 with a great long rocker a poking out behind, and on the mantlo 
 shelf was something that I couldn t make out the use on it was 
 a heap of stuff that looked like gold, with a woman, all kivered 
 
BT JONATHAN SLICK. 21 
 
 over with something that made her shine like a gilt button, 
 lying on the top. I wanted to ringer it awfully, but there waa a 
 glass filing put over it, and I couldn t; but I hadn t pecked 
 about long afore I found out that it was one of these new- 
 fashioned clocks that we ve heard about; but it s no more like 
 them clocks that our Samuel peddles, than chalk is like cheese. 
 
 There were two other things, kinder like the clock, on both 
 eends of the mantle shelf, but they warn t nigh so big, and they 
 l.aun t no pointers nor no woman on the top, and instead of tho 
 gla<s kiver there was long chunks o 1 glass hanging down all 
 round them, like icicles round the nose of our pump in tho 
 winter time. I give one on em a little lift jest to find out what 
 it was, but the glasses begun to gingle so that it scared me out 
 of a year s growth, and I sot down agin mighty quick, I can 
 te.ll you. 
 
 Wai, arter a while T begun to grow fidgety, so I sot down on 
 a settee all kivered over with shiney cloth like the chairs, but I 
 gue;s I hopped up agin spry enough. I never saw anything giv 
 as the sent did, I thought at first that I was a sinking clear 
 through to the floor, clothes and all. It makes me fidgety to he 
 shut; up in a room alone, so I begun to fix a little ; but all I could 
 du. them new cassimere pantaloons, that Judy^White made for 
 me, would keep a slipping up eenamost to the tup of my boots. 
 I don t see how on arth the chaps in New York keep their trou 
 sers legs down so slick ; one would think they had been dipped 
 into em as mann makes her taller candles, they fit so. 
 
 Wai. arter I d worked long enough on the tarnal thing*, I went 
 up to a whapper of a looking-glass, that reached eenamost from 
 the top to the bottom o the room, and jest took a peep at a chap 
 about my size on t other s de. I tell you what it is, the feller 
 there warn t to be sneezed at on a rainy day, if lie did cum from 
 the country ; though for a sixfooter he looked mighty small in 
 that big looking-glass. I guess you d a lart ed to a sec-n him try 
 ing to coax his dickey to curl over the edge of that plaguey stilt 
 bombazine stock that inarm made, and to a seen him a pulling 
 d >wn them navrer short ribbands so as to make them stick out 
 under his cuff, and a slicking down his hair on each side of his 
 face with both hands; but u wouldn t stay though. Nothing ou 
 
?2 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 arth but a hog is so contrary as a feller s liair, when it once gits 
 to sticking up, I du think. 
 
 I d fixed up pnrty smart, considering, and was jest sticking my 
 breast-pin a leetle more in sight, when the door opened and 
 cousin Mary come in. If I hadn t expected it was her, I m sar- 
 tin I shouldn t a known her no more than nothing, she was so 
 puckered up. She had on a silk frock ruffled round the bottom, 
 and her hair hung in great long black curls down her neck, een- 
 amost to her bosom, and she had a gold chain wound all round 
 her head, besides one a hanging about her neck, and her waist 
 warn t bigger round than a pint cup. I never was so struck up 
 in my life, as I was tu see her. Instid of coming up and giving 
 me a good shake o the hand or a buss there wouldn t a been 
 any harm in t as we were cousins she put one foot for ard a 
 little and drew t other back kind o catecornering, and then she 
 sort o wriggled her shoulders, and bent for ard and made a 
 curchy, city fashion. Sez I tu myself. u If that s what you re up 
 tu, I ll jest show you that we ve had a dancing school in Wea- 
 tluTsfield since you left it, Miss Beebe." So I put out my right 
 foot and drew it up into the holler of t other foot, and let my 
 arms drop down a sort a parpindicular, and bent for ard jest as 
 a feller shuts a jack knife when he s afeard of cutting his fingers 
 nnd keeping my eyes fixed on her face, though I did have to 
 roll em up a leetle I reckon I give her a pnrty respectable 
 sample of a Weathersfield bow to match her York curches. 
 
 " Pray be seated, Mr. Slick," sez she, a screwing her rneutk up 
 into a sort of a smile ; but when I saw how she was stuck up I 
 warn t a-going to be behind hand with her, so I puckered up my 
 mouth tu, though it was awful hard work, and sez I, " arter yu 
 rs manners for me, Miss Beebe." 
 
 With that she sot down in one of the rocking-chairs anil stuck 
 her elbow on her arm and let her head drop into her had as if 
 die warn t more than half alive, and sez she 
 
 u Take an ottoman, Mr. Slick." 
 
 I guess I turned red enough, for I hadn t no idee what she 
 inent, but I sot down on one of the foot-stools at a ventur, and 
 then she said, 
 " Il.nv do Mr. and Mrs. Slick flu ? I hope they re well." 
 
BY JONATHAN- SLICK. 23 
 
 I felt my ebenezer a gitting up to hear her call her husband s 
 own uncle and aunt sich stucK up names, and sez I, 
 
 " Your uncle and aunt are purty smart, BO as to be jogging 
 about, thank you, Miss Beebe." I hadn t but jest got the words 
 out of my mouth when there was a bell rung so as to make me 
 jump up, and in a miuit arter cousin John come in 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER II. 
 The Family Dinner and Effects of July Cider. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 " Wai, I see you ve found the way, cousin Slick," sez he. 
 44 Mary, my dear, is dinner ready ?" 
 
 She hadn t time to speak before two great doors slid into the 
 partition, and there was another room jest as much like the one 
 we was in, as two peas in a pod. A table was sot in the middle 
 of the room, all kivered with rale China dishes, and first rate 
 glass tumblers, and a silver thing to set the pepper box in you 
 hain t no idee how stilish it was. But as true as you live, there 
 stood that etarnal nigger, close by the table, as large as life. I 
 didn t know what to make on it, but sez I to myself, if cousin 
 John s got to be an abtJitionist and expects me to eat with a 
 nigger, he ll find himself mistaken, I ll be darned to darnation 
 if he don t ! But I needn t a got so wrathy ; the critter didn t 
 offer to set down, he only stood there to git anything that we 
 wanted. 
 
 "Do you take verminsilly, Mr. Slick? says Miss Beebe, biting 
 off her words as it she was afraid they d burn her. With that 
 she took the kiver off one of the dishes, and begun to ladle out 
 some poup with a great silver dipper a* bright as a new fifty 
 cent piece. 
 
 a No, thank you," says I, kt but I ll take some of that are eoup 
 , if you ve no objection/ The critter was jest beginning 
 
"4 HIGH LIFE IN NEW 
 
 to pucker up her inourh again, as if she d found oat something 
 to poke fun at, but cousin John looked at her so etarnal cross 
 that she was g^au to choke in. 1 s pose goushi Johu see that I 
 felt dreadful oueasy, so he said, kind a coaxing, 
 
 "She meant vorminsilly soup, cousin Slick. Let her help you 
 to some, Pin sartin you ll like it." 
 
 " Wai," says I, u I don t care if I du." So I took up a queer 
 looking spoon that lay by my plate, and tried to eat, but all I 
 could du, the soup would keep a running through the spoon into 
 the dish agin. I tried and tried to git one good mouthful, but I 
 might jest as well have determined to dip up the Connectiout 
 river in a sieve, and the most ! could git was two or three 
 sprangles of little white things that I stirred up from the bottom 
 of the plate, that didn t taste bad, but to save my life I couldn t 
 make out what they were made out on. Arter I d been a fishing 
 and diving ever so long, a trying to git one good spoonful, so that I 
 could tell what it was, I looked up, and there was the nigger 
 showing his teeth, and rolling about his eyes, like a black cat in 
 the dark. It made me wrathy, for I surmized that he was a 
 larfing to see me a working so hard to git a mouthful of some 
 thing to eat. I couldn t hold in any longer, so I jumped up and 
 ilung down the spoon upon the iloor, as spiteful as could be, and 
 sez I to the nigger, sez I, 
 
 u What do you stand a grinning at there, woolly head ? go and 
 git me a spoon that hain t got LO slits in it. I d as lief eat with a 
 rake as that are tiling." 
 
 " ITa, ha, haw," larfed out the etarnal black varmint, "I 
 thought you would not make the fork hold." 
 
 With that Miss Beebe giggled right out, and cousin John 
 looked as if he would a burst to keep from larfitig to.>. 
 
 "Stop your noise, sir," says he to the nigger, "pick up the 
 fork, and give Mr. Slick a spoon." 
 
 1 begun to feel awful streaked, I can tell you; but, I sot down 
 Sin, and took up the real spoon, which lay on a kind of towel 
 folded up by my plate, and I begun to eat, without saying a 
 won], though PJ gin a silver dollar if they would a let me got 
 up and licked the nigger. 
 
 Wal s arter I d got a good mouthful of the soup, I couldn t 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 25 
 
 make out what it was made of, for I couldn t remember of ever 
 seeing the name Miss Beebe called it by, in the dictionary. 
 Maybe it s Latin, f-ays I, to myself, and then I tried to think over 
 what it could mean, and if nobody had told me what the detini- 
 ti on was in the Latin school which you sent me tu there in 
 Weathersfield. Verminsilly ! Verminsilly ! Verminsilly ! kept 
 a running through my head all the time. I knew what silly 
 meant well enough, and then it popped into my head, all at 
 once, that vermin comes from the Latin vermis, which means 
 worms. Worm soup ! my gracious, the very idee of it made 
 me feel awful bad at the stomach ! But I might have known it 
 by the looks, and I should if I d ever heard of sich a thing, for 
 the little slim critters swimming round in the liquor, looked as 
 much like angle-worms biled down white as could be. Arter I 
 found out what it was made of, I rather guess they didn t catch 
 me a eating any more of their vermiusilly soup ; so I pushed it 
 away half across the table, and wiped my mouth purty consider 
 ably with my pocket handkercher. The nigger took the whole 
 m t away, and I declare I was glad enough to get rid of it. 
 
 u What on arth have they put this towel here for ?" says I to 
 myself; and then I stole a sly look over to cousin Beebe, to see 
 if he d got one, or if they only gave towels to company. Cousin 
 Joh i had one jest like mine, but he d spread it out on his lap, 
 so I jest took up mine and kivered over my cashmeres with it 
 tu. 
 
 Considering there was no onions on the table, I made out a 
 purty fair dinner. I was a beginning to think about moving 
 when the nigger brought a lot of blue glass bowls about half fu.i 
 of water, and sot one down by each of us. What they could be 
 for I hadn t the least notion, but I kept a bright look out to see 
 what cousin John did, and when I saw him dip his fingers into 
 hi.> bowl and wipe em on a sort of red towel which the nigger 
 b-ought along with the bowls, I jest went over the manoeuvre 
 as natural as life. 
 
 \Val, while we were talking about the banks, and old times, 
 and Weather-field folks dying off so, that coot of a nigger cleared 
 the table right off as slick as a whistle, and afore I hard)y knew 
 
20 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 what the fellow was up tu he come along and sot down a set of 
 decanters, and two cider bottles with the necks all covered over 
 with sheet lead, and then he brought two baskets made out of 
 silver, one on em was filled chuck full of oranges, and t other 
 was heaped up with great purple grapes ; I declare it eenamost 
 made my mouth water to see the great bunches a hanging over 
 the edge of the basket. I d jest put a whopper of a bunch OD 
 the little Chena plate which the feller set for me, and was con 
 sidering whether it would be genteel to cut the grapes in tu with 
 the cunning little silver knife which was put by the plate, when 
 all tu once, pop went something, eenamost as loud as a pistol, 
 close by me. I jumped up about the quickest, I can tell you ; 
 but it was only the nigger a opening one of the cider bottles ; he 
 poured out some for me in a great long glass with a spindle neck, 
 and I drunk it all at a couple of swallers, without stopping to 
 breath. By jingo I but it was capital cider ! arter I d drunk one 
 glass I begun tu feel as spry as a cricket. 
 
 "Here, snowball," says I, "give us another; these glasses are 
 awful small; now, I like to drink cider out of a pint rnug." 
 
 " Take care," says cousin Beebe, " I m afeard you ll find the 
 cider, as you call it, rather apt to get into your head." 
 
 " Not a bit of it," sez I, " I can stand a quart any day. Here, 
 cousin Mary, take another glass, you hain t forgot old times have 
 you ? though I s pose they don t have applecuts and quiltlngs 
 here in York, du they ?" 
 
 I don t remember what she said, but I know this, my eyes be 
 gun to grow allfired bright, and afore I got up tu go hum that 
 nigger must have put more than twenty baskets of grapes on the 
 table, and the oranges seemed to grow bigger and bigger every 
 rninit, and I know there wur more than three times as many 
 glasses and decanters on the table, as there was at fust. 
 
 i ruther think it was purty nigh tea time when I got up to go 
 back to the sloop agia. I insisted on giving cousin Mary a buss 
 afore I went ; and I won t be sartin, but I kinder seem to remem 
 ber shaking hands with the nigger, consarn him, jest afore I weril 
 down the steps. 
 
 I don t feel very bright this morning, and I begin to think tha 
 
BY JONATHAN SUCK. 27 
 
 maybe I shall come back to Weathersfield arter all. The York 
 cider don t seem to agree with me. I ve felt dredful oeaked ever 
 since I drunk it, and kinder hum sick tu boot. 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER HI. 
 
 Jonathan visits the Express Office Sensations on seeing himself in 
 print. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 Since I wrote my last letter there s been no eend to the things 
 that I ve had to du. Arter thinking about it eenamost two 
 nights, I about made np my mind tu settle down here in York 
 a spell, and send you a grist of letters now and then, which I 
 mean to git printed in the New York Express, the way I told 
 you of. 
 
 I ve been up to see the editors, and they want me to stay pro 
 perly, and I don t think I shall ever git so good a chance to take 
 iij) this literary way of gitting a living, as they call it, if I don t 
 snap at this otter tu once. 
 
 I thought at first that I d try some other newspaper, and see 
 if I could git a higher bid, but somehow I d taken a shine to the 
 Express, and thought it wasn t worth while. It warn t because 
 there wasn t papers enough, for you can t step three steps here 
 in York, without stumbling over a little stuck up newspaper 
 office. Besides, there s no eend to the papers carried round in 
 the streets. You can t go any where but some little dirty shaver 
 or other, about knee high to a toad, will stick a paper out under 
 your nose, and a^k you to buy it, as crank as can be. Somehow, 
 it kinder seemed to me that the New York Express took the shiue 
 oft the papers that I d seen among em all, though they was as 
 thick as toads arter a rain storm. I had a notion to write for it 
 from the first, because, think sez I, that prime feller, Major Jack 
 Downing, writes a ji^.od deal for it, and I rather think wo shall 
 hitch tackle like any thing. 
 
28 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Wai, jest as soon as I made up my mind about it, I went right 
 off, full chisel, to the Express Office. I d been round there once 
 afore to put my t other letter into the Posi Office, and so the 
 uiinit I come to the corner of Wall and Nassau Street, and saw 
 a house with the " New York Express Office" writ on the eend, 
 I knew it was the office without asking. So I crossed over, and 
 kinder hung about a leetle, jest to make my heart stop a beating 
 so, afore I went in. I swanny if I ever felt so in my life ! I 
 w.-is so anxious about that long letter that I sent to them to get 
 printed for you, that I was dreadful loth to go in, and eenamost 
 made up my mind to turn about and make tracks for the sloop 
 agin ! 
 
 Wai, sez I to myself, it won t do any hurt jest to take a look 
 about the premises afore I go. A feller can find out a good deal 
 about a man s natur, by the looks of things about the place he 
 lives in ; so I drew up before a board, all stuck over with picters, 
 and pieces of old newspaper, by the eend of the building, and 
 putting my hands in my pockets, I stood still, and looked up ards 
 to see what I could make out. But instid of taking an observa- 
 ti< ai of the premises, I begun to think about the cattle and the 
 spring shotes that Judy White used to take sicli care on, till the 
 tears eenamost cum into my eyes, I was so humsick. 
 
 Wai, I was standing there on the stun walk, with both hands 
 buried considerable deep in my trousers pockets, a looking up at 
 the sign writ out on the eend of the office, when a feller cum up 
 and begun to read the pieces of paper stuck on the board jest 
 outside. So I wiped the tarnal tears away with the cuff of my 
 coat, for it made me feel kinder cheap to have anybody see a fellow 
 of my size boo-hooing in York streets because he happened to 
 think about hum and old times ; and I got up a leetle grit, and 
 went right straight down into the office, for it s half under 
 ground. A chap that sot back of a sort of counter, where there 
 was a lot of papers folded tip. lifted his head once, and went to 
 writing agin a> if I warn t nobody. 
 
 41 Do you print the Evening Express here ?" sez I kinder low, 
 for I felt so dreadful anxious al out the letter, that I was eenamost 
 -hoked. 
 
 44 Yes " sez he, a gitting ap, " do you want one*" 
 
13Y JONATHAN SLICK. 20 
 
 " Wai, I don t care if I take one," sez 1, a forking out a four- 
 pence-halfpenny from my trousers pocket. u Anything parti 
 cular that is purty smart in it to-day ?" 
 
 44 Nothing very remarkable to-day," sez lie, " but if you cal. 
 to-morrow we shall print a capital letter from one Mr. Jonathan 
 Slick of Weathersfield." 
 
 I svvanny if my heart didn t jump like a rabbit at the sight of 
 a piece of sweet apple in snow time ! u You don t say so, sez 
 I, and I tried not to look tickled all I could, but somehow my 
 mouth wouldn t stay still ; and I hain t the least dout but that 
 I kept grinning in the feller s face, jest like a monkey over a hot 
 chesnut. It was as much as I could du to keep from jumping 
 over the counter and hugging him, I was so allfired glad. 
 
 He didn t seem to mind, but sot down and begun to write agin 
 as if nothing was the matter, and so I took up the paper and 
 went off; but, I rut her guess I stepped high, for I kept thinking 
 what you and marm and Judy White would say when you saw 
 yourselves all in print as large as life. 
 
 When I went out, there stood the chap a reading the pieces of 
 newspapers yit. I wanted to go up and shake hands with him 
 and tell him all about it, I was so full of what the chap inside 
 said about my letter, but I didn t though. I went down to the 
 sloop, and I wanted to tell Captain Doolittle about it. But, sez 
 I to myself, I ll choke in to-day, but if his eyes don t stick out 
 to-morrow I ll lose my guess. 
 
 I ruther think that I didn t let the grass grow under my feet, 
 when Thursday cum, but up I went at the Express Office like a 
 house a-fire. It raly seem d as if my heart would bust, I was so 
 dreadful anxious to see the paper. I didn t stop to ketch breath 
 but went right into the office, and there sot a couple of fellers 
 that looked as stiff and knowing as could be, back of the counter. 
 Sez I to myself, I guess I ve found the editors this time any how. 
 
 "I want to get five papers right off," says I (laying a quartei 
 o dollar on the counter) ; with that one of the editors got up, as 
 mealy-mouthed as could be, and he put the quarter back in my 
 hands sez he, 
 
 44 Mr. Slick, we shan t take money from you ; here are thi 
 
50 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 papers come, take a seat back of the counter here we want 
 to have a little talk with you." 
 
 Wai, I went back, and the tallest of the two chaps got up, and 
 gin me his chair, and says he, "Mr. Slick, we ve printed your 
 letter, and should like to have some more on em." 
 
 I hitched a little in my chair, and sez I, " Wai, if we can agreo 
 about the price, I don t care if I send you a few more now and 
 then." 
 
 " What subjects do you mean to take up, Mr. Slick ?" says the 
 shortest one. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I hain t made up my mind yit, but I reckon 
 a most anything that turns up." 
 
 " Supposing you try politics," sez the tall feller. " Mnjor Jack 
 Downing has done purty well in that line. The lection conies 
 on soon, and it ll be a good time for you to begin." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " ill go about a little, and see how I like it." 
 
 " That s settled, then," sez t other. " Now, Mr. Slick, if we 
 ain t making too bold, I should like to know how long you have 
 been in New York?" 
 
 I kinder larfed in my sleeve to hear the sly coot try to come 
 round, and find out who I was and all about me. Sez J to my 
 self, I ain t quite sartin about the tall chap there, but I ll be blamed 
 if you ve the least bit of Yankee in you. Now a feller of rale 
 ginuine grit would cum up to the mark tu once, and would a jest 
 asked a feller right out who he was, and where he cum from, and 
 how much he was worth, and how much he owed, besides some 
 cute questions about his wife and children, if he wanted tu. 
 Wai, thinks I, the man hain t been brought up to these things, 
 and he ain t to be blamed for not knowing how. So I put one 
 leg over t other, and sez I, 
 
 44 Wai, gentlemen, it ain t of no use to go circumventing round 
 the subject, as old Deacon Miles used to in his exhortations, 
 that had neither eend, middle, or beginning. So I ll jest up and 
 tell right out who I am, and what I mean to du. 
 
 44 1 s pose you ve heard of Samuel Slick, that feller that wrote 
 that tarnal smart book about Canada, wooden clocks, and matters 
 and things in giner&l ?" 
 
BY JONATHAN SLIfK. 31 
 
 "Sam Slick, you mean," sez the tall editor. 
 
 "No, I don t," sez I, setting up straight; "he was baptized 
 Samuel in the old Presbyterian Meeting-house in Weathersfield, 
 and nobody but the newspaper chaps ever thought of calling him 
 Sam. It s too bad this notion of cutting off the latter eend of a 
 feller s name; it s a whittling things down a leetle too close, and 
 looks as if a feller s father was so awful poor, that he couldn t 
 afford to give a hull name to his posterity. Wai, Samuel Slick, 
 Esquire, is my own natral born brother I hain t no idee of brag 
 ging about my relation, because it s my notion that in a free 
 country every feller ought to cut his own fodder ; but when a 
 man s relations is getting up in the world, it s of no use to be 
 mealy-mouthed about owning em." 
 
 u Yes," says the tall chap. "Mr. Samuel Slick is a relation 
 which any man might be proud to own." 
 
 I larfed a little. u Sartinly," sez I, " Samuel has contrived to 
 come his soft sodder over you newspaper chaps about the nicest. 
 I ve a notion, too, that they ll find out that I haint much behind 
 hand with him ; but I mean to write something about my life in 
 Weathersfield one of these days, and send it to you to print. 
 
 44 Now, I tell you what it is, I ve a notion to hire an office 
 somewhere down in Cherry street, and if you ll print my letters, 
 why, I reckon I can make out to get a living out of these Yorkers, 
 by hook or by crook. I mean to du things above board, and in 
 an independent way, jest to see how the experiment ill work, 
 but if I find that it won t do, I ll take up Samuel s plan, and go 
 the soft sodder principle ; his mode ill work tarnation well, and 
 if they don t find Jonathan Slick, your most obedient servant to 
 command, a chip from the same block, I ll lose my guess, that 3 
 alii" 
 
 When I said this, I got up and put on my hat, and then I hap 
 pened to think about the fourpence halfpenny, and I turned to 
 the chap that sot writing, and sez I 
 
 44 Look a here ! I believe I forgot to take change for fourpence 
 t other day. I ll take that three cents now, if you ve no objec 
 tion." The feller handed over the three coppers, and I picketed 
 em as I went out of doors. **A penny saved ia worth two 
 arned," says I to myself. 
 
32 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 The very minit I got into the street, I couldn t hold in any 
 bnger. So I jest stopped on the walk by the Post-office and 
 opened one of the papers. By the living hokey! if the first 
 thing I see wasn t a picter of my own self, as large as life and 
 twice as nat ral, a standing up on the top of the paper as crank 
 as could be. There was the Express office jest as it was when 
 I fust see it. I swan! if I didn t haw-haw right out loud in the 
 street! Down I went to the sloop, about the quickest, and I up 
 and told Captain Doolittle all about it. I thought the tarnal 
 critter would a gone off the handle, he larfed so when he saw 
 how nat ral the picter looked ; but he larfed on t other side of 
 his mouth, I reckon, when he read what I d said about him in 
 the letter. He got awful wrathy, but I only sot still and took it 
 as if nothing had been the matter. 
 
 "Look a here, Captain Doolittle," sez I, "aint Editors and 
 Lawyers always abusing one another in print? Don t they c.-dl 
 each other all kinds o names, and then don t they shake hands 
 and come soft sodder over each other when they come face to 
 face ? If you have the honor of going about with a man that 
 writes for the newspapers, you must be an etarnal coot if you git 
 mad because he prints that you love cider-brandy and eat raw 
 turnips. I can tell you what, you wouldn t find many news 
 paper chaps that d stick to the truth as close as I did. So jest 
 haul in your horns, and I ll write a private letter to Par, and tell 
 him all I said about you was poetical license, as the editors call 
 it when they ve told a whopper, or a leetle too much truth 
 for one s as bad as t other now-a-days." 
 
 "Wai," sez he, " if you ll du that, I ll make up; yit it s allfired 
 hard. But I say, Jonathan, you ll stand treat, won t you?" 
 
 I felt sorry for the critter, and so I went to a grocery with 
 him, and I guess the long nines and the New England rum that 
 1 called for sot all things tu rights in less than no time. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
JONATHAN SLICK. $& 
 
 LETTER IV. 
 
 The Political Meeting and its Disasters. 
 
 DEAB PAR : 
 
 Wai, a few nights ago, I thought I d try one of them politics* 
 meetings the Editor s wanted me to attend and see how they 
 carried on there. So Captain Doolittle and I went to one of the 
 great halls hired for caucuses and crowded in by degrees, for the 
 hull building was jammed full of human live stock long afore we 
 got there. Arter a good deal of scuffling, we got up by one of 
 the winders where we could see purty much all that was going 
 on. I never in all my born days saw such a lot of horned cattle 
 together. Some on em was barefooted, and a good many hadn t 
 more than a coat and a pair of trousers among four or five on 
 em. One feller close by me had the rim of his hat ripped off 
 till it hung down on his shoulders: the top was stove in, and he 
 had a black eye, besides another that wouldn t see straight. 
 "Look a here," sez he, to me, "why don t you shout when we 
 du?" 
 
 "Because I aint a mind tu," sez I; "how are you going to 
 help yourself?" Jest then a leetle pussy lawyer cum a crowding 
 through the gang, and at the sight of him they all sot up a noite 
 that made my hair stand on eend. 
 
 I never heard anything like it ; they yelled and hollered enough 
 to split the ruff of the house. The chunked feller, with his hat 
 knocked into the middle of next week, poked about with his 
 elbows till he got room to draw his fiddle bow across a rickety 
 fiddle, that had two of the strings broke off and was cracked 
 from eend to eend. Squeak, squeak, went the fiddle close to my 
 ear, like a pig when he s being yoked. With that, a lot of fellers, 
 some with their coat tails tore off, and some with their trousers 
 held up with a piece of list instead of galluses, and every one on 
 em as ragged as year old colts, begun to dance up and down the 
 room, but such double shuffles and pigeon wings was enough to 
 3 
 
34 HIGEJ LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 make a feller die a larfin. Our old white cow used to dance 
 twice as well when she got into one of her tantrums. " Hurra 
 for our side! hurra 1 hurra I" yelled out a tall feller close by the 
 fiddler, with a mouth that twisted one way and his nose curling 
 off on t other side, as if they hated each other like cats and dogs ; 
 and with that he took off his old straw hat and shied it off into 
 the middle of the dancers. It lodged on the top of a feller s 
 head that was jest then trying to cut a pigeon wing over one of 
 the benches. 
 
 "Helloa, you feller you, jest toss back that hat, will you?" 
 sung out the tall feller, a pitching for ard head over heels arter 
 his hat. 
 
 "No I wont, I ll be rumbusticated if I du;" sez the t other 
 chap, a pushing toward the door, holding the hat down with 
 both hands, as if he warn t used to them kind o things; "all 
 fair in lection time. Hurra for equal rights 1" 
 
 Jest then there cum in a grist of fellers a yelling and a kicking 
 up their heels like all possessed. They d brought in some more 
 lection news. 
 
 "Who on arth can these critters be?" sez I to Cap tin 
 Doolittle. 
 
 " Oh that s a squad of Irishmen ; don t you see how the hair s 
 all worn off their heads a carrying brick hods on em ?" says tho 
 Oaptin. 
 
 "You don t say so ; now by gracious how they du blather out 
 their words, dont they ?" sez I, but I might as well a been talk 
 ing to a stun fence, for jest that minit the hull on em sot up a 
 noise that was enough to make a feller s eye teeth jump out of 
 his head. 
 
 Did you ever hear four hundred thousand wild cats, and bears, 
 and wolves, and screech owls, a squalling, and a howling, and a 
 squeaking together ? If you haint, there s no use trying to make 
 you have the least idee how that etarnal crowd of critters did 
 hoot and yell. There they were a screaming, and a stamping, and 
 a dancing, and a fiddling, all in a heap, till a feller couldn t hear 
 himself think, and wouldn t a known what he was thinking 
 about if he did hear. 
 
 Now says a leetle man by the winder, clear your pipes, feller 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 85 
 
 citizens; bt s give em a song. I ve got one printed off here so 
 that you can all jine in. Them that can t read or don t know 
 the tune can sing Yankee Doodle or Hail Columbia. 
 
 With that he flung a hull grist of papers among the crowd 
 and begun tu raise his ebenezer rather strong afore the rest sot 
 in. By-am-by they all got a going, and the way they roared out 
 the song was awful, I can tell you. Some of em sung in one 
 tune and some in another every man went on his own hook. 
 The pussy little feller pulled away on the fiddle like all natur. 
 and the chap with the skewed nose made a plaguey squeaking 
 with a split fife that he had. The feller that hadn t no crown in 
 his hat bellered out Auld Lang Syne, and I see another chap 
 holding his paper upside down, and blowing away at Old Hun 
 dred like all natur. When they begun to drop off, for it warn t 
 to be expected that sich a heap of critters could stop all together, 
 the pussy feller with the fiddle yelled out, " Hurra for the song ! 
 Three cheers for singing!" And then they went at it agin, a 
 hooting and tossing up their hats them that had em as if Old 
 Kick himself had kicked em on eend. By gracious ! I don t 
 believe such a lot of white Inguns ever got together before, or 
 ever will agin. There was one great feller, as pussy as a bag of 
 bran in harvest time, that roared out his words like a hog that 
 had been larned to talk. 
 
 " That s a Yorkshireman," sez Captin Doolittle, " I ll treat if 
 it aint." 
 
 " Wai. who on arth is that feller there a talking to that little 
 stuck up chap with the peaked nose ? What in the name of 
 natur does he mean by his spracks and his yaws ? If I was the 
 little feller, I d jest thank him not to bark in my face that way; 
 he opens his mouth as if he was a going to swaller the poor 
 critter hull, every time he speaks du tell, who can he be, 
 Captin ?" 
 
 "Wai, 1 sez the Captin, "I don t know sartin, but I ruther 
 guess he s one of them Dutch fellers, by his lingo." 
 
 " There, now, look a there," sez I, a pinting to a feller that 
 had jest come up to the Dutch chap. He wasn t over clean, 
 anyhow, but he had a great brass handkercher-pin stuck in his 
 bosom, and he strutted so that a common chap couldn t a touched 
 
36 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 him with a ten foot pole. I poked ray elbows into Captin Doolifr 
 tie s ribs, to try and make him tell me what he was; but he was 
 a looking t other way, and wouldn t mind me. By-am-by the fel 
 ler begun to talk to the Dutch chap. He kept a flinging his 
 arms about every which way, and a jabbering over a mess of 
 lingo that was enough to make a man larf in his face. The 
 Words all run together like marrn s curd when the cheese gets 
 contrary and wont set. The Dutch feller kept a opening his 
 mouth, and once in a while a word would come out full chunk 
 right in t other s face. Think sez I, if this aint a touch of the 
 dead languages, it ought to be, that s all for it s enough to 
 make a feller die right off to hear it. He seemed to be ashamed 
 of himself at last, and begun to try to talk genuine American, 
 but he made awful work on t. By-am-by I found out that ho 
 was a Frenchman ; for a tall laathy feller, that I d a took my 
 Bible oath cum straight off the Green Mountains, went up to 
 him, sort o 1 wrathy, and sez he, "Hold your yop, you tarnal 
 Frenchman ; if you don t like this country and what we re a 
 doing, you d better go back hum agin. I haint no doubt but 
 you can git enough frog soup without coming here to run us 
 down." 
 
 The French feller turned as red as a turkey s topping, and he 
 began to sputter away as mad as he could be. But t other chap 
 jest put his hands in his pockets and sez he " you go to grass." 
 I don t know what else he said, for that minit they all sot up one 
 of their almighty roars and yelled out "a speech, a speech." 
 Then a feller with spectacles on, got up to make a speech, and 
 arter rolling up his shirt sleeves and spitting on his hands as if 
 he was going to chopping wood, he went at it shovel and tongs. 
 
 I ll be darned to darnation if it didn t make my blood bile to 
 hear how he went on. Sich a stream o talk I never did hear 
 cum from one human critter. At last I got so wrathy that I 
 couldn t stand it no longer, and bust right out the minit he d 
 got through. 
 
 " Feller citizens of New York," sez I, a mounting myself on 
 the winder sill, and sticking my right arm out as stiff as a crow 
 bar, " I aiiit much used to public speaking, but I must say a few 
 
 WOl dd." 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 37 
 
 "Hurra for the Yankee go it green horn tip us a speecn, a 
 rale downright Roarer!" sung out more than a dozen on em, 
 and all the men about me turned their jaws up, and opened their 
 mouths as if I d been histed up there for a show. 
 
 "Feller citizens," sez I, "I ve been a listening to you here thia 
 night (they kept as still as mice now), and the rale American 
 blood has been bilingin my heart to see sich carryings on and to 
 hear sich things said as that feller s been a talking," (" Hustle 
 him out," sez they, "throw him over; go it ye cripples;") but 
 when they got still sez I, "Since I ve cum here to this city I ve 
 almost made up my mind that there aint a ginuine teetotal pa 
 triot among ye all, on one side or t other, and that the least shake 
 of a truth would suit a downright politic feller as well as water 
 would a mad dog, and no better ! " (" Hurra for the Yankee," 
 sez they.) " Now," says I, a sticking out both arms tu once, " In 
 revolutionary times it was worth while to a public character to 
 turn solger, or patriot, or politician, for in them times folks found 
 so much to du that they couldn t git time to lie so like till natur 
 as they du now-a-days. In them glorious times a feller could 
 shoulder his bagonetand write out his politics on the heart of 
 the enemy, and there warn t no mistake in the handwriting. 
 (What a clapping and stomping they made here !) When they 
 sung out liberty, I reckon the British knew the meaning on t." 
 ("Three cheers for the Yankee," sez they again, "Three cheers 
 for the Yankee,") and then they hollered and yelled and whooped 
 and stomped, and whooped and yelled agin and agin, like so 
 many Injuns jest broke loose, then sez I for I was skeered by 
 the noise they made, and my hair stood up on eend I felt so 
 dandery. " Feller citizens, as true as I live, it eenamost makes 
 me cuss and swear to think on t, though my par is the deacon of 
 a church. When the people of these times sing out liberty, a 
 feller can t tell whether they mean to tear down a flour store or 
 roast a nigger alive." (But don t you think, that when I got as 
 fur as here, as much as two thousand on em was taken dreadful 
 siok all tu once, and groaned out in rale agony,) "but, sez T, " I 
 don t wonder the old Revolutionary Patriots die off so. What 
 I ve seen of politics is enough to send every one on em into the 
 grave with their tough old hearts broken and their foreheads wrm- 
 
38 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 kled with shame at the news they have got to carry to Ginera! 
 Washington in t other world ! " 
 
 I stopped to catch a little breath and was jest poking out my 
 arm agin to go on, for I felt as bold as a lion, and the words cum 
 a flowing into my mouth so thick, I couldn t but jest find room 
 for em. But the etarnal pack of varmints set up a yell that 
 would a frightened any man out of a year s growth ; and afore 1 
 knew which eend my head was on, they got hold on me and 
 pitched me down stairs, and left me a wallering in the gutter. 
 The first thing I knew I felt something floundering about under 
 me, and a great black hog that had been lying in the gutter give 
 a grunt, and pitched me for ard on my face and went off squeal 
 ing a little as if he was used to being driv up by company any 
 time of night in them quarters. 
 
 Wai, I picked myself up as well as I could, and I went down 
 to the Express office like a streak of chalk. I found the tall 
 editor a setting there counting up some lection figgers, and he 
 looked eeuamost tuckered out. Sez I, "Mister Editor, look a 
 here," and with that I showed him where they d bust out the 
 back of my coat a flinging me down stairs, and how that plaguy 
 nog had kivered my new cassimere trousers all over with mud. 
 Sez he, and he couldn t help from larfing, " don t mind it, Mr. 
 Slick ; I ve got W T USS usage than that many a time." 
 
 " Yis," sez I, as wrothy as all natnr, "but I guess you haint 
 been pitched head for ard into the gutter with that tarnal hog." 
 
 "Wai," sez he, a trying to keep from larfin all he could, " try 
 it again, Mr. Slick, you ll get used to these things by-am-by." 
 
 "I ll be darned to darnation if I du, and that s the eend on t!" 
 sez I, a doubling up my fist. " If I can t find nothing but 
 politics to write about, I ll go back to Weathersfield about the 
 quickest, I can tell you that." 
 
 Wai, the long and the short on it was, I got back to the sloop 
 and turned in awfully womblecropped, and as sore all over as a 
 bile. I can t go out to-day, so I have writ this letter. 
 From your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK* 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER Y. 
 A Little of Jonathan s Private Love Affairs. 
 
 To THE EDITORS OF THE EXPRESS : 
 
 Wai, you see I m as good as my word. I hadn t hardly read 
 t other letter through, afore I sot fight down and begun this right 
 off the reel. By the living jingo ! how it makes the blood bile 
 and tingle in a fellow s heart to see his writing printed, and to 
 hear people a talking about it. I wish you could a seen my 
 office the morning arter that fust letter cum out. I thought my 
 neck would v got the cramp, I had to bow so much to the folks 
 that cum in to give me advice about my letters. One feller got 
 awful wrathy about what I writ about politics, but I jest told 
 him to mind his own bisness, for I guessed my eye teeth was cut 
 if I did cum from the country. He begun to git a leetle 
 irnperdent, so I got np and showed him the door; and when 
 he wouldn t go peaceably, I jest give him a specimen of 
 Weathersfield sole-leather, but it s no use writing about such 
 varmint. 
 
 Now you know who I be, you won t think it very odd when 
 I tell you how awful womblecropt I felt to think what a chance 
 the old folks gave Samuel to see the world, while they kept me 
 tied down to the onion beds as tight as marm Jones used to be 
 to that leetle squalling youngen of hern, that was so cross that 
 its teeth couldn t cut straight, but stuck out catecorning all 
 round its gums. 
 
 It made me choke awfully to see Samuel drive off with his 
 wagon chuck full cf wooden clocks, all painted and varnished up 
 as neat and shining as one of your New York gal s faces on a 
 Sunday. I could bit a tenpenny nail right in two without feel 
 ing it a morsel ; but it was no use quarrelling. The old man 
 said I hadn t got my growth yit, which was true enough, for it 
 kinder stunted me to be always a bending over the darnatiou 
 
40 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 onion patches. It was awful hard, I can tell jou. I do believe, 
 if it hadn t been for the resting spells I got in the winter, I should 
 a been as bow backed as an ox yoke. I ll be darned, if it didn t 
 take me from fall till planting time to get the kinks out of my back. 
 
 Wai, I grinned and bore it pnrty well, considering, and, to 
 own the truth, it wasn t so terrible hard while Judy White lived 
 with marm. Fora hired gal, Judy was a tarnal smart witter; 
 there wasn t a gal in all Weathersfield could pull an even yoke 
 with her a stringing onions. Nothing on arth puts a feller to 
 his stumps like pulling in the same team with a purty gal and 
 between us, it aint no ways disagreeable to sit down in the 
 middle of a patch of onions all running to seed, to work with a 
 gal like Judy. I say nothing, but, by gracious! if my heart 
 hasn t beat like a partridge on a dry log, sometimes when I ve 
 catched her a looking at me from under her great sun-bonnet ; 
 but as for courting or anything of that sort, she kept a feller at a 
 distance, I can tell you. I ruther guess my ears catched it once, 
 but I reckon I won t tell of that though ; it s better to think 
 about than talk over. 
 
 I don t mean to say that Judy had anything agin sparking in 
 a regular way, on Sunday nights in the east room, when the 
 paper curtains was all down, and the old folks had gone to bed. 
 It cum kinder nateral to set up till two or three o clock, and 
 Judy warn t by no means old-maidish. But by-am-by the old 
 woman began to make a fuss cause we burned out so many of her 
 candles. She needn t a made such a rout, for they warn t made 
 of nothing but soap grease with tow wicks ; and I m sartin it 
 wasn t my fault if we burnt so many. I d a been glad enough 
 to have sot in the dark, but Judy wouldn t hear a word on t. 
 
 The old woman got into a tantrum one Monday morning afore 
 breakfast. She called Judy all sorts of things but a good gal 
 and a lady, and twitted her about being poor and setting her cap 
 for me. At last Judy got her grit up, and I ruther guess she 
 finished off the old woman in fine style. I suffered a few 
 between them, I can tell you. The old woman began to brag 
 about Samuel, for she s felt mighty crank about him ever since 
 he had that great dinner give to him down on the Canada line 
 there and sez she to Judy, sez she 
 
BY JONATHAN SUCK. 41 
 
 " I don t see how on arth yon aim to think of such impendence 
 a? sitting up with my Jonathan. Why, aint ray Samuel one of 
 the biggest authors in the country, aint he hand and glove with 
 all the judges and lawyers, and the New York editors, and all the 
 big bugs fur and near? I d have you to know my boys aint men 
 of the common chop, and I guess any on em will look a plaguey 
 eight higher than to take up with a hired gal. Why, who knows 
 but Jonathan will be as illustrated a man as his brother one of 
 these days!" 
 
 I couldn t begin to give the least idea of the stream o talk the 
 old woman let out on the poor gal. But, by gracious*, I rather 
 guess she missed it a few. I wish you could a seen Judy White s 
 face, for by the living hokey, if it didn t turn five hundred 
 colours in a minit. I raly thought the critter would a jumped 
 out of her skin she was so awful mad. 
 
 " I don t care that for your son, Miss Slick," sez she, a snapping 
 her fingers in the old woman s face, U I can marry his betters any 
 day. I wouldn t have him, not it every hair in his head was 
 shining with diamonds ; no, not if he d go down on his knees to 
 me ; you make a terrible fuss cause Sam s gone sneaking about 
 among decent people, but, after all, what is he but a wooden 
 clock pedler, and as for you, you old vinegar-faced good for 
 nothin ." 
 
 She was a going on to give poor inarm an awful drubbing, but 
 I always think a feller must be a mean shote that ill stand mum 
 and hear any body call his mother names, whether she desarves 
 them or not. So I stepped up and stood right afore Judy, and I 
 looked her straight in the face, and, sez I, u Miss Judy," sez I, 
 u I don t want to hear no more of this ere ; come now, you and 
 rnarm jest hush up, and don t let me hear another darned word, 
 for I won t stand it." 
 
 With that inarm put her linsey woolsey apron up to her face, 
 and begun to boo hoo right out, and, sez she, It comes awful 
 tough to be trod on in one s own house ; I won t bear it, so there 
 now." 
 
 "Now ; Judy," ?ez I, kinder coaxing, "jest go and make up; 
 marm s a good-hearted critter, and you know it s kinder nateral 
 for wimmin folks to git a little crabbed once in a while." 
 
42 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 By gracious, if I wouldn t rather break a yoke of steers anj 
 day, than try to make up a quarrel between two wimmin when 
 they once get their dander up ; and of all horned cattle Judy 
 White did take the rag off the bush when she once got agoing. 
 
 " Git out of my way, yeu mean, snaeking critter you," sez she, 
 hitting me a slap over the chops that made my teeth rattle ; " I 
 won t make up, nor touch tu ; I only feel sorry that I ever de 
 meaned myself to set up with you; I ll leave the house this 
 minnit." 
 
 Out of the room she went like a she-hurricane, and after she 
 had picked up her duds she made tracks for home, without as 
 much as bidding one of us good by. 
 
 It s curios how men will git used to eenamost anything ; now I 
 don t purtend to say that I hadn t a kind of a sneaking notion after 
 Judy White, but somehow when I seen the tears come into the 
 old woman s eyes, dimming her old steel-bowed spectacles, the 
 water always would start into my own eyes, spite of all I could do 
 to keep it out; so it wasn t to be expected that I should not feel 
 disagreeable when the two got their dander up, and went into 
 such a tantrum with each other. But there sot the old man a 
 chonking an apple, and kinder larfin inside of him all the time, 
 jest as he d a looked on to see two cats scratch and spit at one 
 another. I axed him how he could du so, and he tossed the 
 apple core out of the winder, and puckered up his mouth and 
 said, "I hadn t got used to the wimmen folks yit; the best way 
 with them kind o things was to let em alone." 
 
 Now it wouldn t a been much of a chore to have gone over 
 to old Mr. White s two or three times a week, and if Judy had 
 done the clean thing toward the old woman, I don t know but I 
 should a gone to see her over there, but somehow a gal kicks 
 over the milk pail when she lets her ebenezer git up before a 
 feller, jest as he s beginning to hanker arter her. I couldn t 
 make up my mind to tackle in with a critter that had shown 
 such an allfired spiteful temper, so the next Sunday night I let 
 her go home from singing school alone. I saw her look back 
 kkider anxious two or three times, and jest for the minit my 
 heart riz up in my throat til] it eenamost choked me. But I kept 
 a stiff upper lip, and went on without seeming to mind her; 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 43 
 
 hod then she tossed tip her head and begun to sing, as if she 
 wanted to show me that she didn t care a cent for all I could 
 do. 
 
 I felt awful bad for a day or two, but a feller must be a sap- 
 head if he can t make up his mind to give a gal the mitten when 
 he thinks she desarves it. Now if Judy had had the small-pox, 
 and had been pitted all over like a honey comb, I d a stood by 
 her to the last minnit ; but somehow I couldn t git over the 
 awful basting she gave inarm. I do like to see old folks 
 treated well, let em do what they will, and a gal can t be fit to 
 bring up a family if she doesn t know how to keep her own 
 temper. Besides, she hasn t much true ginuine love for a chap, 
 when she won t try to put up with the faults of his relations for 
 his sake. 
 
 Wai, the long and the short of it was, I gin Judy White 
 the sack right off the reel, without stopping to chew the matter 
 a bl 
 
 Wall, arter this, working alone grew awful tedious, and I begun 
 to h- inker to sec the world. So as father was loading up a sloop to 
 send down to New York, I came a little of Samuel s soft sodder 
 over the old man, and told him how much better I could 
 sell off the onions and red cabbages, than eenamost any body else ; 
 and at last he said I might come down as a kinder supercargo. 
 So he filled up the hold with potaters, real blue noses, I can tell 
 you, and piled up a whole crop of garden sarce on the deck, and 
 we sot sail down the river. 
 
 Now, I d made up my mind to stay in the city when I once 
 got clear of the humstead, but you may guess I didn t let out a 
 word to the old folks, for it al es hurts my feelings to see inarm 
 take on, and I didn t like to make the old man rip out too much, 
 for he was a deacon of the Presbyterian Churcb. We was three 
 days a coming down the river, and it made me awful wrathy to 
 Bee that lazy old critter, "the Cleopatra," go by us on her way 
 to the city and back agin be bre we got into the East river. We 
 give her two cheers each time, but neither on em come from 
 below the palate, I can tell you. We got into Peck slip at 
 last safe and sound, and if I didn t jump on to the wharf as 
 
44 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 spry as a cricket, then there s no snakes on the green mountain 
 that s all. 
 
 I am your humble servant to command, 
 
 JONATHAN SLIOK. 
 
 LETTER VI. 
 
 Jonathan s Opinions of Ministerial Interference A Card of Invita 
 tion, and an Evening Party at Cousin Beebe s, in which Jonathan 
 makes some Mistakes and a Lady Acquaintance. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 I have just received your letter, and so I sot right down to 
 answer it; for what you writ about my treating Captin Doolittle, 
 and using sich bad language, made me feel bad enough. I don t 
 know the reason on it, but when a feller s away from hum, it 
 makes him feel awful oneasy to think that he s done anything to 
 hurt his par or mar s feelings. 
 
 Now, about that Captin Doolittle business, I don t think arter 
 all, I was much to blame. "What I writ about him hurt the crit 
 ter s feelings a good deal, and I didn t know of any way to make 
 up but to treat, and so I did give him a drink of New England 
 and a long nine or so, but I didn t drink any myself, not a single 
 horn, and it warn t more an half fair for the minister to begin 
 at you about it arter meeting last Sunday, and to tell you that 
 you hadn t brought me up in the virtue and admonition of the 
 Lord, and to say that " you be darned" and " darnation," is jest 
 as bad as cussing and swearing right out. For him to take it on 
 himself to twit you, and say that, " jest as the twig is bent the 
 tree s inclined," is consarned mean, and I wouldn t bear it rior a 
 touch tu if I was you. He knows as well as can be, that if I 
 warn t bent right it wasn t no fault of your n, for I m sartin it 
 wouldn t a been in the natur of things to have twisted me anj 
 other way than head for erd, if you calculated on my weeding 
 the onions as they ought to be. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 45 
 
 Now, the truth on it is, I begin to think that youi ministers 
 there in Connecticut pull the bit on the church members a leetle 
 too tight sometimes, and instid of giving you good bolesome doc 
 trine, right pure out of the Bi |le, and taking the potaters and 
 ap p)es and wood and chickens and turkies that the deacons and 
 old maids send to them as part pay, they sometimes contrive to 
 make their being ministers an excuse for poking their fingers into 
 every body s pie as well as their own. 
 
 I am afeard you won t like to hear me say so ; but it does make 
 me awi ul wrothy to bear that the minister threatened to turn 
 you out of the church if you let me go on so but you needn t 
 be a bit consarned about that. He d no more turn you out of 
 the meeting than he d strike his own granny, not as long as you 
 own the best farm in all Weathersfield, and send him a fat tur 
 key every thanksgiving day, besides paying pew tax and all the 
 other taxes, as you du. I don t know what he might du if you 
 was to fail and bust up ; for as soon as a man begins to get poor, 
 the ministers grow awlul particlar about his morality and reli 
 gion ; but there s no fear of that ; so jest tell him the next time 
 he threatens to church you for what I m a doing down here in 
 York, that you ll serve him as the parliament in England used to 
 fix their King when he begun to grow obstropulous, and as they 
 would sarve that little skittish Queen of theirn if she wanted to 
 have a way of her own. Tell him you ll " stop his supplies." 
 Don t send him a turkey next thanksgiving, and tell marm not 
 to carry a single doughnut nor a skein of tow yarn to the next 
 spinning-bee that his church members make for him. I ruther 
 guess that this will bring him to his senses. As for me, tell him 
 to go to grass and eat bog hay till s he as fat as Nebuchadnezzar. 
 I aint one of his church members any how, and if I was, I 
 shouldn t ask him to take care of me. I know what I m about, 
 and he needn t be scared on my account. I know as well as he 
 does that York has a tarnal sight of bad people in it; and I 
 know, too, that there s a good many rale down right honest, hull- 
 hearted fellers here, tu. As for the wimmen, though they are 
 dreadfully stuck up, and eenamost ruin their husbands with dress 
 ing fine and giving parties, there s some of them that aint to be 
 sneezed at in a fog, I can tell you. I don t want to say any 
 
46 HIGH LIFK IX NEW YORK. 
 
 thing to hurt the minister s feelings, but he needn t cum his 
 church threats over ine, for it won t du no good, I ll be darned 
 if it will. 
 
 "Wai, now that I ve gin the minister a piece of my mind, free 
 gratis for nothing, I may as well write what s been it going on 
 down here in York. 
 
 One morning a little black boy cum into ray office with a heap 
 of letters, and he give me one without speaking a word, and 
 went off agin. I opened the letter, and there dropped out a 
 square piece of white pasteboard, and on it was printed, in leetla 
 finefied letters, " Mrs. Beebe at home Thursday evening." 
 
 Wai, sez I to myself, if this don t take the rag off the bush 
 cousin Mary s got to gadding about so much, that she has to 
 send round word when she is a going to stay at hum one even 
 ing. I do wonder how Mr. Beebe can stand it. I shouldn t 
 blame him if he took to drink, or got into bad company, if his 
 wife goes on so ; for if a woman won t stay to hum nights, an<5 
 keep every thing nice and snug agin her husband comes away 
 from his bisness, a feller must have an allfired good heart, and a 
 good head tu, if he don t go off and git into scrapes on his own 
 hook. 
 
 I sot down and histed my feet on the top of the stove, and 
 begun to think it all over, till it seemed to be my duty to go and 
 talk to cousin Mary about the way she was a going on. I re 
 membered what a purty, smart little critter she used to be when 
 she lived in Connecticut, and how kind hearted she was ; and 
 then I thought of her queer stuck up ways since I d seen her 
 here ; and it was as much as I could du to keep the tears out of 
 my eyes, for if cousin Mary had been my own sister, I couldn t 
 a liked her better than I did when she was a gal. 
 
 Wai, arter thinking it all over, I made up my mind to go and 
 ask John if he didn t think it best for me to go and talk to her. 
 for I felt kinder loth to meddle with his business, if he didn t 
 want me tu ; and anyhow, I didn t expect much thanks for giv 
 ing her advice for when a feller steps in between man and wife, 
 it s like trying to part a cat and a dog, and he is lucky enough 
 if he don t git scratched by one and worried to death by t other ; 
 but I looked at the preee of paste-board agin, and made up mj? 
 
BI JONATHAN SLICK. 47 
 
 mind that something ought to be done, and if Johc didn t take 
 it up, I would ; for if there s any thing I d-u hate on arth, it s a 
 gadding woman 1 and I didn t feel as if 1 could give cousin Mar} 
 up quite yir. 
 
 Wai, I took my hat, and put my hands in my trousers pockets, 
 and walked along kinder slow through Cherry street, till I cum 
 to Franklin Square. I did nt seem to mind any body, for my 
 heart felt sort a heavy with thinking of old times. I kept a 
 looking down on the stun walk, and felt eenamost as much alone 
 as if I d been in a Connecticut craraberry swamp ; yit there was 
 more than fifty people a walking up and down the Square. I d 
 got jest agin the old Walton House, that was built afore the 
 revolutionary war, but was so busy a thinking, that I forgot to 
 look up at the arms and figgers carved out over the door, every 
 one of em put up there by a British tory family afore Gineral 
 Washington drove them out of house and hum when all to jnce 
 somebody hit mo a slap on my shoulder that made me jump 
 eenamost into the middle of next week. I looked up, and there 
 was cousin Beebe a larfin like all natur because he d made me 
 jump so. 
 
 "Hello, cousin Jonathan I sez he, "what the deuce are you 
 thinking about ?" 
 
 " About that," says I, a forking out the piece of pasteboard 
 from my trousers pocket, "a little stuck up nigger jest gin me 
 that ere." 
 
 "Wai, what of it?" says cousin John, "it s all right I see, I 
 suppose you ll come of course?" 
 
 " Yes," sez I, " I was a jest a going down to see you about it, 
 and if you d jest as livs I ll go right straight up and talk to her 
 now ; I feel as if I could say enough to break her heart, if it has 
 got ever so tough." 
 
 With that Cousin Beebe bust right out a larfin. "That s 
 right," says he, " you re coining on bravely, don t talk about one 
 heart, I havn t the least doubt but you ll break a dozen you 
 literary chaps carry all before you in that way." 
 
 I felt kinder unsartin how to take his meaning, for it seemed 
 as if he was a poking fun at me, for wanting to give his wife 
 some good advice ; at last I spoke up, and sez I 
 
48 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 " If cousin Mary has got one good sound heart left to "break, 
 since she came here to York, she s a good deal better off than I 
 took her to be." 
 
 With that John begun to stare, and at last he bust out a larfin 
 again. 
 
 " Why," sez he, "you haint no idee of getting up a flirtation 
 with Mary, have you ? upon my word, cousin Slick, you are a 
 shaking off all your steady habits in a hurry. It generally takes 
 a feller, though, some months training, in fashionable society, 
 before he can bring himself to make love to another man s 
 wife." 
 
 " Now," sez I, " cousin Beebe, what on arth do you mean ? as 
 true as I live I shall git wrathy if you keep on in this way. Aint 
 my father a deacon of the church ? Aint I sot under Minister 
 Smith s preaching since I was knee high to a toad? It s an 
 allfired shame for you to talk to me as if I was a going to demean 
 myself by making love to anybody, much less to another man s 
 wife. When I da make love, sir, I can tell you what, it will be 
 with a hull heart and an honest one tu ; I ll never be afeard to 
 look a girl in the face when I ask her to take me, or to let her 
 look in mine for fear she ll see villain writ out in my eyes. As 
 for your married women, they needn t be afeared that anybody, 
 I don t care how imperdent he is, will make love to them, with 
 out they begin first. Now, Cousin Beebe, seeing as we ve gone 
 so far, jest look a here, see what your wife has sent to me !" 
 
 With that I give him the paper which the pasteboard was done 
 np in, where Cousin Mary had writ, "Mrs. Beebe hopes Mr. 
 Slick will not fail to come." 
 
 Cousin John read it, and sez he, " Wai, what harm is there in 
 this? I m sure it was very thoughtful of Mary, and I m glad she 
 did it. You will go of course ; there will be a good deal of com 
 pany, and they are all anxious to see you since yoir letters come 
 out in the Express." 
 
 "What," sez I, " is Miss Beebe a going to have a party why 
 didn t she say so then?" 
 
 " Oh it s only a swarry, she often has them," says ne. 
 
 44 A what?" sez I. 
 
 "Aswarry a oonversationanny," sez he. I couldn t think 
 
T>Y JONATHAN HI.TCK. 49 
 
 what he meant, but I remembered that jest afore Mary waa 
 married she used to have hysteric tits, now and then, and I 
 thought they give them things some other iiame down here ill 
 York. 
 
 "Dear me," sez I, "Fin sorry, but if I can do any good Fll 
 come up, I s pose you ll have a doctor." 
 
 " Oh yes," sez he, " there ll be two or three, besides lots of 
 lawyers, and poets, and editors." 
 
 " You don t say so," sez 1, " why what will you du with them 
 all ?" 
 
 "Oh Mary will take care of them," sez he, "she does those 
 things very well, indeed, considering she was brought up in the 
 country." 
 
 " But I thought you wanted us to take care of her," sez I. 
 
 " Why, of course you will all make yourselves as agreeable as 
 you can ; there will be lots of hnrnsome wiminen there, and I 
 haint the least doubt we shall have a pleasant party." 
 
 "A party!" sez I, " is Miss Beebe a going to have a party ?" 
 
 "Certainly," sez he, a looking puzzled; "didn t you under 
 stand that by^the card and the note? " I felt my heart rise up 
 in my mouth, and I could have begun to dance on the stun walk. 
 I do believe nothing on artii makes a feller feel so happy as to 
 find out that somebody he can t help but like, but has been a 
 thinking hard things about, don t desarvo them. Cousin John 
 kept a looking at me, and I begun to feel awful streaked, for it 
 seemed to me as if he suspected all that, Fd been a thinking agin 
 his wife. Arter a minit, I up and took my hand out of my 
 pocket, and I took hold of his n, and, sez I 
 
 "Cousin John, Fve been making a darned fool of myself; I 
 didn t know what this ere piece of pasteboard meant, and I " 
 
 " Never mind, Cousin Jonathan," sez he, all of a sudden shak 
 ing my hand, "you know what it means now so come up on 
 Thursday. Now I think of it you had better git a new suit of 
 clothes; that blue coat and those shiny brass buttons did very 
 well for TVeathersfield ; but here something a little more stylish 
 will be better supposing you go over to the Broadway tailors 
 and let them fit you out." 
 
 " Not as you know on," sez I, a taking hold of the edgo of 
 4 
 
50 HIGH LIFE IN T NEW YORK. 
 
 my coat, and a dustin off the buttons with rnv red silk pocket 
 handkercher. " The picter that they printed of me in the Ex 
 press newspaper was taken in these clothes ; and if you d jest as 
 livs, I ll keep em on." 
 
 Cousin John warn t to be put off so, and at last he cum his 
 soft sodder over me, till I agreed to get another suit of clothes, 
 New York cut, for parties and meetings. So we shook hands, 
 and he turned and went back to his store agin, for he was a 
 coming up to my office ; and I jest turned into a narrer street, 
 and took a short cut across to the Express Office. The Editors 
 give me some money, for they aint no ways mean about paying 
 me for what I write for their paper ; and they put on the soft 
 sodder purty strong about my letters. They said that everybody 
 was a reading them and a trying to find out something about me, 
 and that lots of young ladies had seen my picter and were a dy 
 ing to git acquainted with me. I warn t much surprised at it. 
 Arter putting the poetry into my letters so strong, I was sartm 
 that all the gals would be a talking about me. Nothing takes 
 with them like poetry. I had my eye teeth cut when I wrote 
 that, I can tell you. I couldn t help but feel tickled to hear them 
 praising me so ; but somehow one gits used to being puffed up, 
 an Jtter a jittle while a feller don t seem to care so much 
 about it. 
 
 Wai, I pocketed the cash and went to the tailors store ; it was 
 a plaguy harusome place, and there were two or three spruce- 
 looking chaps standing about; but they looked at me kinder 
 slanting, as if they thought I didn t want to buy anything ; and 
 I could see one on them looking arnestly at my coat, as if he 
 didn t like the fit on t. I declare I begun to get ashamed of the 
 old blue, when I cum to see the harnsome coats and vests and 
 trousers hanging around. 
 
 " Have you got any first rate superfine broadcloth coats and 
 trousers to sell here ?" sez I, a chinking the loose change in my 
 trousers pocket a leetle, jest to show them that I was as good as 
 the city banks, and held out specie payments yit. 
 
 " Yes," sez one of the clerks, a bowing. " What color do you 
 wish to look at ?" 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I rather think I ll tako that color that looks do 
 
BY JONATHAN SI.ICK. 61 
 
 much like burnt coftee, or else a rale indigo blue, I aint particular, 
 only I want it in the tip of the fashion a rale harnsome fit, and 
 all that, for I m a going to a swarry and a couvcrsationanny, and 
 i want to shine like a new pin." 
 
 While I was a talking, a knowing sort of a feller cum out of the 
 back room, and when he see me a looking at a coat that I seemed 
 to take a notion tu he cum up and begun to talk about it he 
 pinted out the silk lining and the way it was stuffed and quilted 
 under the arms, and would have me try it on. So I stripped off 
 the old coat and put the new one on. I can tell you it sot as 
 slick as grease; there warn t a wrinkle or a pucker in it, from the 
 top of the velvet collar to the eend of the flap. I looked as trim 
 and as genteel as could be in it when it was buttoned over tight 
 it seemed to me that I warn t bigger round than a quart cup. 
 
 Sez the gentleman, sez he, "that s a capital lit, sir, you won t 
 lu better than to tnko it." 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "I don t know as I shall, I kinder seem to like 
 :nyself in it how much do you ask, hey ?" 
 
 Why," sez he, "that s a fust rate coat, superfine cloth and 
 beautiful trimmings; but the times are hard, and I ll let you have 
 it low for cash ;" and then he sot his price; u but," sex he, "you 
 mustn t tell how cheap you got it, for 1 couldn t sell any more at 
 that price." 
 
 "Wai," fcez I, "I rather guess I ll take it; now let us look at 
 some of your vests and trousers. I shall have to beat you dowo 
 a leetle on them, for I m raly afeard my money won t hold out." 
 
 " Not much fear of that," sez he, arid he opened a drawer and 
 took out an allfired heap of trousers. Arter I d tumbled em over 
 awhile, I picked out a pair of rale harnsome checkered ones, and 
 then I bought a black vest with yaller stripes all over it, aau be 
 tween us, I ruther guess it made a considerable hole in the money 
 that I got from the editors of the Express, to pay for em all 
 The man had done em up, and I was jest a going to take then; 
 hum under my arm, but sez he 
 
 44 Where will you have them sent, sir?" 
 
 "Wai," sez I, arter thinking a minit, "you may direct them to 
 Mr. Jonathan Slick, and send them round to the Express office, 
 if you ve no objection," 
 
52 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 I wish you could a seen the feller! he seemed to be all struck 
 op into a heap when I said this, and the chirks looked at each 
 other, and cum toward us as if they had never seen anybody that 
 wrote for newspapers afore. 
 
 "Mr. Slick," sez the head man, making a bow eenamost to the 
 ground, " I m much obliged for your custom, and I hope you ll 
 cum agin. If you find the clothes suit you, perhaps you ll send 
 any of your friends to our establishment, who happen to want 
 any thing in our line. We shall always be happy and proud to 
 sarve Mr. Slick or any of his friends." 
 
 Here he made another bow, and I stepped back, and bent for- 
 ard a trifle, jest to let him see that his soft sodder warn t put on 
 at all coarse ; and, sez I, " Wai, I ll try the clothes, and if they 
 turn out fust-rate, mebby I ll mention where I got them in one 
 of my letters. There is a good many chaps jest a going to be 
 married about Weathersfield, and it won t do them no harm to 
 know where to come for the wedding clothes." 
 
 With that the tailor bowed agin, and, sez he, " Mr. Slick, where 
 shall I have the honor of sending you one of my fust-rate vests, 
 or a pair of harnsome pantaloons ? Fll take your measure, and 
 have them made on purpose for you." 
 
 " Wai, now, I don t know as I can afford to buy any more jest 
 yit," sez I ; " but when these are wore out, I think as likely as 
 not I shall cum agin." 
 
 " Oh," sez he, a rubbing his hands a little, and a smiling and 
 l;owing agin, "let us take your measure, and we shan t quarrel 
 about the pay, we shall be most proud to supply you with a good 
 
 article ; and if you will accept of them, the honor " 
 
 "Oh," sez I, a bowing, "you are very obliging, I m sure, 
 
 Mr. ." 
 
 " Where shall we send them when they are done?" says he. 
 "Direct them as you did the others, to Mr. Jonathan Slick, to 
 the care of the Editors of the Express. And look a here, 
 
 .Mr. , I wish you d try and make the trousers so they wiL 
 
 stay down, and not keep a hitching up to the top of my boots, if 
 you can." 
 
 " Depend on it they will please you," sez he, a follering me to 
 the door, " Good morning, Mr. Slick, I m very much obliged to 
 
BY JONATHAN SI.ICK. f>3 
 
 you for calling;" and with that he made another bo\v, and I give 
 liiiu one back again, and made tracks for Cherry street, as tickled 
 as could he. 
 
 Wai, when Thursday cnm, I begun to feel mighty anxious about 
 the party ; I had all the clothes sent down to my office, besides 
 u prime hat, which I got, and a pair of real dandy boots that sot, 
 to my foot like wax. 
 
 As soon as it was dark I shut myself up and begun to fix. I 
 declare I never did see anything fit as them checkered trousers 
 did ; they sot to my legs like the tin mules to a pair of tallow 
 candles in freezing time, and I felt as if I d been jest corked up 
 in a junk bottle, foot foremost. Arter I got them on, and all 
 buttoned up tight, I begun to think that I should have to go to 
 the party in the blue mixed socks that mann knit for me, the 
 last thing afore I cum away from hum ; for my feet had got hung 
 in a slip of leather, that was sowed across the bottom of the 
 troupers legs, and how to get em out, so as to put on rny boots, 
 I couldn t tell. I pulled and kicked till I eenamost bust off my 
 gallows buttons but they wouldn t give a morsel, and at last I 
 j.-.t took hold on the leathers, and I give them an allfired jerk 
 till they slipped over my heel, and arter that I made out to roll 
 up the trouser s legs till I could pull my boots on. When I pulled 
 them down again the leathers stuck out from the heel of my boot 
 behind, as if I had got spurs on ; I didn t exactly like the feel ol 
 it, but " Who cares," sez I to myself, u atelier may as well be out 
 of the world as out of the fashion, especially down here in York." 
 
 As soon as I d got my trousers purty well braced up I put on 
 the vest, and it sot like a button, for there wur holes behind and 
 strings that laced up like a gal s corsets, and I girted up purty 
 tiirht I can tell you. I snuggers, them yaller sprigs did glisten, 
 and arter I d put on the new stock that I bought along with the 
 cloihes, I ruther guess I cut a dash. It was all bowed off and 
 curlacued over, with red and yaller sprigs, and it made my neck 
 look as slim and sliiney as our big red rooster s used to when he 
 stretched his head out in the sun to see how many old hens and 
 spring pullets he d got about him. 
 
 I nwanny, if I hadn t been in such a hurry to git on my new 
 things that 1 forgot to wash my hands and face till jest as I was 
 
Si HIGH LIFE IN NEW TORK. 
 
 a putting on my coat 1 I peeked in the little looking-glass that 
 I ve gut hung up in my office, and my hair was standing out every 
 which way ; and somehow my teeth looked as yaller as if I d 
 been chawin tobaccy a hull week. What to du I couldn t tell, 
 but I picked up the Express, and looked into the advertisements 
 to see if I could find out anything to make my grinders white 
 there warn t nothing there ; but I happened to think that I d 
 seen Doctor Sherman s tooth-paste puffed in some of the papers : 
 arid though I don t mean to patronize anybody that don t adver 
 tise in our paper, I thought, seeing as I was in a hurry, per aps 
 it would be as well to go out and get some of it. I slipped on 
 my old coat, and down I went into Nassau street, eenamost to the 
 corner of Fulton street, and I bought a little cheny box full of 
 red stuff, about as thick as hasty pudding, and as sweet as honey, 
 and back I went again to the office like a streak of lightning. 
 
 I didn t know how to use the stuff, but think siz I, they must 
 "rub it on their teeth somehow, so I spread some on the corner of 
 my towel, and began to polish away like all natur. It warn t 
 two minits afore my teeth was as white as a nigger g ; so I jest 
 washed them off in the hand basin, and went at my hair, tooth 
 and nail. 
 
 How on arth these York chaps make their hair curl so, I can t 
 guess I tried to coax mine to twist up a little, on each side of 
 my face, but it warn t of no use. I combed it out with a fine 
 tooth comb, and I put some hog s lard scented with some of the 
 essence of peppermint that inarm give me to use if I should git 
 the stomach ache down here, and I twisted it round my fingers, 
 but it wouldn t stay curled a minit ; so at last I gave it up for a 
 bad job, and put on my new coat as mad as could be. 
 
 I ruther guess you couldn t have found a better looking chap 
 Df my size anywhere about, than I was, when I put on my yaller 
 gloves, and fixed my new red silk hankercher in my coat pocket, 
 so as to let one eend hang out a leetle, arter I d put a few of the 
 peppermint drops on it and the way I pulled foot up Penrl street 
 and toward Broadway, wasn t slow I can tell you. It takes a 
 feller forever to fix here in York I d ruther slick up for twenty 
 quiltings and apple-bees, than for one swarry, I can tell you. I 
 was a most skared to death, for fear I should be too late, for it 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 66 
 
 was eenajest dark afore I left the office, so I didn t let the grass 
 grow under my feet on the way to cousin Beebe s, you may be 
 sartin. 
 
 When I got to cousin Beebe s door, I pulled the silver knob 
 kinder softly, for I felt a sort of palpitation of the heart at going 
 into a room chuck full of quality ; and I jest pulled up my dickey 
 a little, and felt to see if my hankercher hung out of my pocket 
 about right, afore the nigger opened the door. At last he made 
 out to cum, and when I asked if all the folks was tu hum, he 
 begun to show his chalkies jest as he did afore, and sez he, 
 
 "Yes, but they haint come down yit." 
 
 With that I pitched in, and, sez I, "Look a here, Cuffy, none 
 of your grinning at me, but jest mind your own bisness. I ve 
 come to see the swarry that Mr. Beebe s been a buying to treat 
 his company with ; so jest shut your darned li ver lips, and show 
 it to me." 
 
 " Oh," sez he, a trying to choke in, u the swarry is going to be 
 in the drawing room there, walk in." 
 
 " What, haint it come yit," sez I, " and where s all the folks ? 
 I thought he was going to have a party, too." 
 
 " Wai, so he is," sez the nigger, " but they haint begun to come 
 yit." 
 
 " Wai, now," sez I to myself, " If this don t beat all creation. 
 Now, in Connecticut it would a been eenamost time to go hum 
 agin ; these Yorkers du beat all for laziness." With that I went 
 into the room. By the living hokey, I never see anything like 
 it ! It was enough to dazzle one s eyes ; the two doors were slid 
 back into the partition, and it seemed like one great ball-room; 
 and, besides that, there were too great winders at the further 
 eend, that opened into a place that seemed kinder like a garden. 
 I didn t know what to make of it, for it was chuck full of posies 
 that looked as bright and as green as if it was the fourth of July, 
 and yit it was a freezing like everything out of doors. I went 
 down the room and stuck my head through the winder, and as 
 true as I live it wag a little room all full of bushes and roses 
 not up on benches ; it had a glass ruff, and the sides were one all- 
 fired great winder, with little vines a hanging down over it, and 
 
66 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 a great tree chuck full of something that looked like oranges, a 
 standing up agin it. 
 
 There were five or six cages full of little yaller birds a hanging 
 among the bushes, and right back of the tree stuck over with 
 oranges, stood a marble woman a holding up a bunch of grapes 
 cut out of marble, with a lot of green leaves twisted round it as 
 nateral as could be. It was awful harnsome, but I swan if it 
 didn t make me feel streaked to look at her a standing there 
 among the bushes, for she hadn t the least rag of kivering on, 
 and it raly was enough to make a feller blush to see her a holding 
 the grapes over her head, as if she wanted to make people look 
 at her. 
 
 Think sez I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beebe has bought 
 to show his company: I reckon he d better have bought a calico 
 frock or something of that sort to kiver over it. I couldn t bear 
 to look at it, and so I jest turned about and stood still by the 
 winder with my eyes wide open, for at the t other eend of the 
 room was another garden with a naked swarry and bushes in it, 
 as much like the one I d been a looking in as could be. I went 
 toward it, but stopped short, and burst out a larfin all by myself, 
 for it was nothing but the same garden a shining in the great big 
 looking glass, that I wrote to you about, that hung up right 
 afore me. 
 
 Arter I d stole another sly look at the orange tree and the 
 swarry, I jest stuck my hands in my pockets as well as I could, 
 considering they were so tight, and stickin out one foot, leaned 
 back again the winder frame and looked around the room. A 
 hot sweltering sun in dog days could not have been brighter than 
 everything was. There were two great things hung by chains 
 from the middle of both rooms, with hundreds and hundreds of 
 chunks of glass a hanging all over them ; and they were stuck 
 full of candles as white as curd, all a burning and blazing, till 
 they looked like a heap of ice and snow hung up to melt in a 
 fire. Both the mantle shelfs were kivered over with them things 
 that I told you about that looked so much like gold ; some on 
 em were lamp?, and some had great white candles stuck into 
 them ; and there were lots on lots of flowers set in among them 
 

 r* 
 
 - . ,-i^ 
 
 4 
 
 MVl S 
 
 ^ : 
 
 - 
 
 ? ^^^^ 
 
 .mr-- 
 
 
 "Think, says I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beehe has bouglit to show his 
 company : I reckon he d better have bought a calico frock or something of that 
 sort i n kiver over jt._/> r/flr<> .%. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 57 
 
 that smelt as sweet as new hay, and such a shining and glistening 
 I never did see. The best on it all wus, that the whopping look 
 ing glasses on both eends the rooms made them seem twice as 
 long, ;md as it they had a great many more things in them than 
 they raly had. There were two round tables made out of some 
 kind of cloudy stun, about as large as marm s cherry-wood tea- 
 table, a standing at both eends of the rooms, all kivered over 
 with leetle picters and all sorts of play-things, besides heaps of 
 hooks witli morocco backs and sprigged off with gold, all lying 
 among them every which way, as if somebody had been in a 
 hurry, and had pitched them on the tables without staying to 
 pile them up. 
 
 Besides all that, they had brought in a whole heap more of 
 them footstools that I told you about, and they had put square 
 kind of back pillows all tossled off and kivered over with flowers 
 at the eends of the two settees, besides a good many other things 
 that I Imiut time to write about. u Wai," sez I to myself, u if 
 Cousin Beebe don t take the shine off these New Yorkers in his 
 party I lose my guess ; but I wonder where on arth he contrives 
 to raise money to do it with these hard times, for all this must 
 have cost him a few, I m sartin." 
 
 Jest as I was thinking this, the cuffy come into the room, and 
 sez I 
 
 " Look a here, snow ball, when is the party a coming, I ve ?eep 
 the swarry all I want tu, and I m eenamost tired of standing 
 here and doing nothing." 
 
 u Wai," sez he, " I s pose they ll bo here in an hour or two, 
 it aint mor n eight o clock yit." 
 
 " I rather guess I shan t stay here all alone any longer," sez I, 
 and with that I buttened up my coat, and jest took a walk into 
 the Apollo gallery to see the picters, till it was time for the party 
 to cum. I haint time to say anything about the heap of harn- 
 SIMIIC picters that I saw, and besides, I mean to write you all 
 about them some day afore long, for they are curios I can tell 
 you. I felt so much pleased with looking at Yin, that it was long 
 after nine afore I thought of it. So I jest started off agin for 
 Cou.-in IJocbe s. When I went in this time the rooms were brim 
 full of peoplo, ai:d 1 \v;;s eenamost scared to death. I unbuttoned 
 
88 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 my coat and pulled up my dicky a leetle, besides giving my hair 
 a brush and then 1 went in with my head straight up, and my 
 new fur hat in my hand ; jest as I used to go in the singers seat, 
 there in Weathersfield. Think sez I, I ll jest let em know that 
 I haint been to dancing school for nothing. So I held my hat a 
 leetle afore me by the rim, and I made a genteel bow, first to one 
 eide and then to t other. Arter that, I went and sot down on 
 one of the settees, and I looked round for cousin Mary, for I felt 
 kinder awk ard ; and I hadn t the least idee that she wouldn t 
 have come up, as she used to in "Weathersfield, and put out her 
 hand and ask me if she should take my hat. But there I sot with 
 it between my hands, a fingering it over as if it had been a hot 
 potater, and she never cum near me. I felt dreadfully, for there 
 was a lot of harnsome gals a staring at me, and a puckering up 
 their purty leetle mouths, as if they would a gin the world to larf 
 right out. Arter a minit cousin John cum up to me, and 
 sez he, 
 
 " Cousin Slick, I m glad you ve cum, step in the next room and 
 take a glass of wine with me. Mrs. Beebe is so crowded you 
 won t get near her jest yit." 
 
 I got up, and we went into the entry way together, and then 
 says cousin Beebe to the nigger, " Here, Ben, take Mr. Slick s 
 hat." 
 
 The nigger took my hat and carried it off up stairs, and, arter 
 a few minits, cousin John went back into the room where the 
 company was, without saying another word about the wine. 
 
 "You had better go up and speak to Mary, now," sez he, 
 
 kinder low ; " there she stands by Count ." I didn t hear 
 
 the name, but it was some darned crabbed word, that was enough 
 to choke a feller. 
 
 I hadn t looked round much when I cum in before, for some 
 how my head didn t feel steddy ; but arter cousin John cum and 
 spoke to me, I didn t seem to mind it, so I jest looked round as 
 bold as could be. I declare I never did see any body dressed out 
 as cousin Mary was. She had on a frock of shining satin, with 
 harnsome pink sprigs all over it, and there was a great wide 
 ruffle round the bottom, made out of something that looked as 
 white and thin as a gal s veil the day arter she s married ; and 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 59 
 
 that was hitched up on one side half way to her waist, witli ft 
 pink rose, made out of ribbon with long eeuds, that fell down 
 eenamost to the floor. A heap of some kind of shiney thin stuff 
 -was ruffled round her bosom, and hung down round her arms, for 
 her frock sleeves were short, and made like a little gal s; and she 
 had on a pair of white gloves, with ribbon tops to em. One on 
 em was fastened round her wrist with a wide piece of gold, and 
 three or four bands set full of shiny stuns wos on t other arm, 
 which was plaguey white, or else I suppose she would not have 
 let folks see it- 
 Mary al ers had a tarnal purty little foot, but I never see it look 
 so small as it did in that glistening white shoe of hern, and to 
 own^the rale downright truth, she didn t seem to be much 
 ashamed to show it, but kept it stuck out from under her ruffler, 
 as if she d made up her mind to be ready to make a curchy any 
 minit. There was one thing that kinder puzzled me a good 
 deal ; Mary s skin never was over white, but somehow it looked 
 like wax work, that night, and you never see a meadow pink 
 look brighter than her cheeks did ; but instead of coming into 
 her face and going away again, as every man loves to see the 
 color in a gal s face when she s a talking, and knows that he s a 
 looking at her, Mary s always kept jest so; it didn t seem as if 
 an earthquake would make her turn pale. The hair hung in long 
 curls down her cheeks and on her shoulders, jest as it did the 
 other day, and she had a great white rose stuck in among the 
 curls, on one side of her head, that looked as if it hadn t but jest 
 been picked off the bushes. 
 
 I looked at her putty earnestly, I can tell you, and I do think 
 she would have been a critter that John might be proud of, if it 
 warn t for that stuck up way which she s got since she cum down 
 here to York. She don r du nothing on arth nateral, and as she 
 did when she was a gal in Connecticut. Instead of standing up 
 straight, and speaking to her company as it ^he was glad to see 
 them, she stood with one foot stuck out and her hands jest 
 crossed afore her, and kinder stooping for-ard, as if she couldn t 
 but jest stand alone ; I never see a critter s back stuck up as 
 her s was, I raly thought she was a getting the rickets, and I felt 
 
60 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 so anxious about it that I turned to cousin Beebe, afore I went 
 up to speak to her, and sez I, a sort of low 
 
 " Cousin John, how did your wife hurt her back so? I declare 
 it makes me feel awfully to see what a great hump she s got a 
 growing since she cum away from Connecticut!" 
 
 With that cousin John looked at her and larfed a little, but 1 
 could see he didn t feel jest right, and arter a minit he said, 
 sez he, 
 
 u llush, cousin, you must not speak so loud; it s true Mary has 
 put on rather too much bustle, but it s the fashion, you see." I 
 looked round, and as true as you live there warn t a gal in the 
 room that hadn t her back a sticking out jest the same way. 
 Such a set of humpbacked critters I never did put my eyes on, 
 and yit they all stood about a smiling and a talking to the fellers 
 as if nothing ailed them, poor things! I never see a set of folks 
 dressed out so much, and so awfully stuck up as they were. 
 Some of the gals had feathers in their hair, and some had flowers 
 or gold chains twisted among their curls, and I didn t see one there 
 that wasn t dressed up in her silks and satins as crank as could 
 be. As for the men, I thought I should have haw hawed right 
 out a larfin to see some of em; there was one chap talking to 
 Miss Beebe with his hair parted from the top of his head down 
 each side of his lace, and it hung down behind all over his coat 
 collar like a young gal s just before she begins to wear a comb; 
 and there was two bunches of hair stuck out on his upper lip right 
 under his nose, like a cat s whiskers when she begins to get her 
 back up. Every time he spoke the hair kinder riz up and moved 
 about till it was enough to make a feller crawl all over to look at 
 him. Think sez I, if it wouldn t be fun to see that varmint try to 
 ear,. If he didn t get his victuals tangled up in that bunch of 
 hair, he must know how to aim allfired straight with his knifo 
 and fork. 
 
 When I cum to look round there were more than a dozen chaps, 
 rale dandy-looking fellers, with their lips bristled out in the same 
 way. Think sez I, there are some men that would be hogs if they 
 only had br stles, as we say in Connecticut, but these chaps 
 needn t keep out of the gutters for want of them, they are ready 
 
nv JONATHAN SLICK. 61 
 
 for sarvice any time. There were two or three rutlier good- 
 looking chaps, that didn t let the hair grow on their upper lips, 
 but it come up in a pint like a letter A from the tip of the chins 
 eenamost to their mouths. Those fellers had great hairy whis 
 kers that made them look as if they had run all to head like a 
 seed onion. I s \vauny, I never did see such a set of infarual 
 looking coots in all my life a tribe of ribbed nosed babboous 
 would have looked ten times as much like men; and yet they 
 did t seem the least bit ashamed of themselves, but strutted round 
 among the gals as large as life, showing off with their white 
 gloves on and white cambric handkerehers, that I s pose they 
 borrowed from their sisters, stuck into their pockets. 
 
 I wouldn t go up and speak tu Miss Beebe till that ninniham- 
 mer with the brustles went away from her, for I was afeard that 
 I couldn t hold in, but should haw haw right out in his face, if I 
 got tu looking at him too stiddy. I raly didn t know which looked 
 the worst, men running about among decent people with dirty 
 brustles under their noses, or .women a trying tu make themselves 
 look humpbacked so as tu be in the fashion. 
 
 At last the chap with the brustles went off with a young gal 
 into the room where the bushes were, to look at the swarry, I 
 e pose, and so then I went up tu Miss Beebe and I made a bow, 
 and sez I 
 
 "It s a pleasant evening, Miss Beebe." 
 
 "Yes," sez she, "it is very pleasant." 
 
 I didn t seem tu stand easy, so I put t other foot for ard, and 
 wiped my nose a little with my red hankercher. 
 
 "Any news a stirring?" sez I. 
 
 "Nothing particular that I know on," sez she. 
 
 I changed feet agin. 
 
 "I ruther thought it was a going tu rain, but I guess it won t 
 now," sez I. 
 
 "No, I ruther think not," sez she. 
 
 We stood stock still a minit, and then I put my hankercher in 
 my coat pocket agin, and, sez I 
 
 "I swanny, Miss Beebe, you ve got a grist of harnsome gals 
 here to-night. I ll be darned if I aint eenamost in love with 
 
62 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 "I m sure you ought to be," says slie, a puckering up her 
 mouth, "you don t know how much they have been a talking 
 about you. I declare you ve got to be quite a lion since you took 
 to writing, cousin Slick." 
 
 "A what?" sez I. 
 
 "A literary lion," sez she, with one of her old Weathersfield 
 smiles. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, "that s a queer name, but I don t care "what they 
 call me, if they don t call me late tu dinner." 
 
 Jest that minit a tall harnsome young feller cum up to us, and 
 Miss Beebe turned tu him and spoke softly, with her eyes half 
 shet, jest as if she was a dying off, and she asked him if he 
 wouldn t sing. 
 
 " With that he puckered up his mouth and said he couldn t, 
 cause he d got such a bad cold; but anybody that had his eyo 
 teeth cut might have seen that he only wanted her tu coax him. 
 A lot of young gals crowded round and begun tu put the soft 
 sodder over him. 
 
 "Oh du now pray du," sez one, and the rest on em took it 
 up till the poor feller, he didn t know which eend his head was 
 on. So he sot down and flung back Ids head with his eyes half 
 shet, and he began tu sing. I swanny, it eenamost made the 
 tears cum into my eyes tu hear him, it was rale ginuine music; 
 but the very minit he begun, the young gals that had been 
 a teasing him so tu sing, went on a talking and a larfin, as if he 
 hadn t done what they wanted. I raly felt sorry for the feller; 
 yit he didn t seem tu mind it, but sung away as if everybody was 
 a listening. 
 
 Jest then, cousin Beebe called out my name from t other side 
 the room. I wish you could a seen how they all stared; it 
 warn t more than ten minits arter that, afore eenamost every one 
 in there was at cousin Beebe tu be introduced tu me the fellers 
 with the brustles and all. The purtyest gals in the room kept a 
 flocking round me as if they d never seen a man that wrote for 
 the newspapers afore. Talk about soft sodder there s nobcdy 
 on arth can put it into a chap so smooth as a harnsome gal. Some 
 how they melt it with their smiles, till it sinks through his heart 
 afore he knows it. I was talking with a rale peeler of a gal, 
 
BY JONATHAN SUCK. OH 
 
 with two of the brightest black eyes that I ever see, when soi no 
 body struck up a tune on the pianner-forty, and two or three 
 couple got onto the floor as if they wanted tu dance. 
 
 "Do you dance quadrills, Mr. Slick ?" sez the black eyed gal, 
 as if she wanted me tu ask her to dance. 
 
 l Wai, I don t know," sez I, " I never tried them kind of things; 
 out I rut her guess I can, if you ll show me how." 
 
 With that, I took the tip eend of her white glove between the 
 fingers of nay yaller one, and went with her into the middle of 
 the room. I didn t know what they were a going tu dance, but 
 I warn t much afeard, anyhow for there warn t a chap in all 
 Weathersfield could beat me at a double shuffle, or could cut so 
 neat a pigeon-wing without music, as I could. 
 
 Wai, the music begun, and one of the fellers that had the hair 
 on his lip, begun tu slide about with his eyes half shet and his 
 hands a hanging down, and looking as doleful as if he d jest come 
 away from a funeral. Did you ever see a duck swim a mill-dam, 
 or a hen turning up its eyes when it s a drinking? If you have 
 you can git some idea how the lazy coot danced. I thought I 
 should go off the handle tu see him, but the gals all stuck out 
 their little feet, and poked about jest in the same way. Think 
 sez I, when it comes my turn, I ll give you a little specimen of 
 ginuine dancing. I only \\ish I thought tu put a little looso 
 change in my pocket tu jingle, if it was only jest tu show how- 
 well I keep step. 
 
 A young lady, with her hair twisted all up with little white 
 flowers, balanced up tu me, jest as you ve seen a bird walk, and 
 then it come my turn. I took two steps for ard and then I cut 
 a peeler of a pigeonrwing, and ended off with a little touch of 
 the double shuffle, but my trousers was so plaguy tight that I 
 couldn t make my legs rale limber all I could du, besides, the 
 music warn t much more like a dancing tune than Greenbank or 
 Old Hundred. At last I went up tu the gal that was playing, 
 and sez I 
 
 "Look a here- jest give us something lively Yankee Doodle, 
 or Money Muss, or the Irish Washerwoman, or Paddy Carey. I 
 aint a going tu twist and pucker round in this way." 
 
 With that the young fellers with the hair lips begun tu push 
 
64 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 their cambric hankerchers into their mouths, and the young gals 
 puckered up their mouths as if I d done something tu poke fun 
 at. But instid of sneaking off and letting the stuck up varmints 
 think they d scared me so I darsn t dance, I felt my dander a get 
 ting up, and sez I tu myself, u I guess I ll let em see that I vvarn t 
 brought up in the woods to be scared at owls, any how ;" so I 
 jest turned tu the black eyed gal that was my partner, and sez I, 
 
 4k Cum now, Miss, let us show em how it s done," and with 
 that I begun tu put it down right and left like a streak of light 
 ning. It warn t more than two minits afore I heard the gals a 
 talking tu each other, and a saying. 
 
 " How odd how strange quite the eccentricity of genius 
 these literary lions never do anything as other people do ! I 
 don t wonder Miss Beebe s proud of him." 
 
 The young fellers joined in and stopped larfin as quick as could 
 be, the minit they begun to see how the wind was a blowing up 
 in my quarter, and when I finished off and led the black eyed 
 gal tu one of the footstools, there was no eend tu the soft sodder 
 they all put on tu me. Sez I tu myself, nothing like keeping a 
 stiff upper lip with these stuck up fashionables, for arter all they 
 aint more than half sartin what s genteel and what aiut. 
 
 Jest then the music begun agin, and one of them tall hairy 
 lipped fellers got up with a purty little gal, that didn t look more 
 than eighteen years old, and he put his white gloves on a little 
 tighter, and then I ll be darned if he didn t begin to hug her 
 right there afore all on us. He put one arm round her little 
 waist jest above the hump on her back, and he took one of her 
 hands in his n, and then she looked up into his eyes and he 
 looked down into hers as loving as two pussy cats, and then they 
 begun to make cheeses on the carpet till you couldn t have told 
 which was which. 
 
 I never felt my blood bile so in all my life ; it raly didn t seem 
 decent, and if she had been a relation of mine, I ll be darned to 
 darnation if I wouldn t have knocked that pesky varmint into a 
 cocked hat in less than no time. I d a made him glad to eat 
 himself up hair and all, greasy as it must a tasted, tu have got 
 out of my way. Oh ! but I was wrathy wit.li the coot for a minit ; 
 and then says I to myself, " I don t know as the chap s so much 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 65 
 
 to blame, arter all, it s the gal s own fault; if she likes to be 
 hugged and whirled round so afore the folks, the feller must bo 
 an allfired fool not to like it as much she does; but, thinks I, if 
 the gal means to git married, her bread will he all dough agin, 
 arter this, for no decent honest man would want to marry a gal 
 arter he d seen her tousled about afore fifty people, by such a 
 shote as that chap is." 
 
 As soon as the two critters sot down, the fellers and the gals 
 all locked arms and begun to stream out of the room. I thought 
 I might as well see where they were a going, so I jest crooked 
 my arm, and the black eyed gal put hers through it, and out we 
 went into the entry way tu a room further back, where all the 
 company was standing about round a table sot out with every 
 thing good on arth that a feller ever thought of eating. 
 
 I thought the table, when I eat dinner at cousin John s, took 
 the shine off from everything that I d ever seen afore in my life, 
 but it warn t a circumstance to this. There was no eend to the 
 silver dishes and baskets all sot out with flowers, and a running 
 over with bunches of white grapes and oranges, and everything 
 else good that ever grew on arth ! and there were more than 
 half a dozen little steeples, all made out of red and white sugar 
 candy, hung over with tlowers and curlecued about with little 
 sugar images, and sich lots of cake, and presarves, and jelly, ant 
 things that I d never seen afore in my life. Everything glittered 
 and shone so it fairly took away ray appetite. There was another 
 little table kivered over with decanters and with a lot of them 
 cider buttles that I ve told you about, standing on it; but I 
 kept purty clear of that, I can tell you. Cousin Beebe cum to 
 me with one of em in his hand, and sez he, sort of larfin, 
 
 II Come, cousin Slick, take a glass." 
 
 Says I, " No, if you d jest as lives, I d a little ruther not, your 
 York cider don t agree with me." 
 
 " Oh," sez he, "it s only sham pain, try a little." 
 
 " I m jest as much obliged to you, but I d a little ruther not, it 
 wiirn t sham pain that I had in my head the day arter I drunk it 
 before, I can tell you." 
 
 With that cousin Beebe larfed, and sez he, " you must be gal 
 lant, and help Miss Miles, she hasn t got no refreshments ytt " I 
 
66 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 looked toward the black eyed gal, and sure enough, there she 
 stood as mute as could be, looking on, while all the rest was a 
 eating. I went up to her again, and I made her a bow, and sez I, 
 
 " Miss Miles, what will you take ? arter you is manners for me, 
 and I begin to feel a little as if I should like a bite." 
 
 I could see that tarnal purty mouth of hern begin to tremble, 
 as if it wanted to say something funny, but she looked in my 
 face, and sez she, 
 
 " I ll take a little blue monge if you please." 
 
 I didn t know what she could mean, but there was some stuff 
 in some little blue glasses, that looked as much like soap suds as 
 anything else, and I took one of em out of the silver thing that it 
 stood in, and I jest stirred it up a little with the spoon, afore I give 
 it to her. I dont know what on arth become of the blue monge, 
 but I hadn t more than touched it when off it went, and left 
 the glass eenajest empty. Miss Miles larfed a little, and says she, 
 
 " Thank you, the syllabub will do jest as well. A few grapes, 
 and a trifle of that jelly, if you please." 
 
 " But," sez I, holding the glass, and a lookin down on the 
 carpet and over my new trousers, " where on arth can that monge 
 have gone tu ! I hope there aint none of it got on tu your silk 
 frock, Miss Miles." 
 
 " Oh, no," sez she, " don t mind it, the grapes will do jest as 
 well." 
 
 I took up a plate and gave her a great whopping bunch from 
 off one of the dishes, and then I made another bow, and, sez I 
 
 " Anything else, Miss Miles ? I d do anything on arth to 
 oblige you." 
 
 She twisted up that plump little mouth of hern in one of the 
 handsomest smiles I ever see, and, sez she, " I ll take that rose 
 bud that dropped from the grape basket when you took these out." 
 
 I swan, but she looked plaguy harnsome, I couldn t but jest- 
 keep from staring right in her face all the time. I felt my heart 
 a noimdcring about, like a pullet with its neck twisted, when 
 she said this, and I took up the rose bud between the fingers of 
 my yaller gloves, and I stepped back and made as genteel a bow 
 as I could, considering I hadn t room to square my elbows, and, 
 sez I 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 67 
 
 u I hope you ll keep that ere to remember me by." 
 
 She gave me another of them tarnation bright smiles, and she 
 stuck the rose in her bosom, and sez she, kinder larfin a little 
 
 " What shall I give you, Mr. Slick ? This myrtle sprig ? it ll 
 keep green longer than your rose." 
 
 u No thank yon," sez I, a looking at her as killing as could be, 
 u I ll take it ; but I don t want anything to make me remember 
 you." 
 
 I kinder expected that she d have blushed a little when I said 
 that ; but somehow these city gals don t color up very easy. Sho 
 smiled again, and sez she 
 
 " Well, Mr. Slick, you must call and see how well your rose 
 keeps with me. Mrs. Beebe, will come with you any time." 
 
 Sez I, " but I aint sartin as you ll be glad to see me, you must 
 have a great many beau?, and I may be in the way." 
 
 She was a going to answer me, but jest then that tarnal var 
 mint with the hair come up with a plate in his hand, and sez he 
 " Let me help you tu a jelly, Miss Miles." 
 
 I could have knocked the critter into the middle of next week, 
 I was so tarnal mad ; but there he stood a bowing and a smiling 
 through his hair lip like an etarnal monkey that had got the 
 stomach ache, and I couldn t get a word in edge ways. I couldn t 
 eat a morsel, but I took up one of the cider bottles without a 
 thinking what I was a doing, and I drunk two glasses right off, 
 and arter that I felt a little better; but I ll be darned if it didn t 
 make me grit my teeth tu see that stuck-up coot work his arm 
 as if he warnted to go into t other room with Miss Miles. She 
 looked round as if to see where I was, and then I went right 
 straight up, and, sez I tu him 
 
 " Arter me is manners for you." 
 
 With that I took her little hand in my yaller glove, and I put 
 it into my arm as genteel as could be, and walked straight into 
 t other room with her. She sot down on one of the settees, and 
 I jest pulled one of the footstools close up to her, and there we 
 brth set MS sociable as could be till the folks all come back agin. 
 Arter that I had to git up and give a pale-looking gal my seat; 
 but I kept a standing up by the eend of the settee, till Cousin 
 Beebe come up tu me, and, sez he 
 
08 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 41 Cousin Slick, jest step this way a minit." 
 
 He went right between the silk winder curtins into the place 
 wnere the bushes, and the birds, and the swarry was, and sez 
 he 
 
 "Cousin Jonathan, did you know that the straps to your pan 
 taloons have slipped out from under you boots?" 
 
 " You don t say so," sez I, a looking down at hisen, tu see how 
 he fixed them, for I didn t want him to think that I d left em so 
 on purpose ; but I felt awful streaked when I see his was buttoned 
 under the sole of his dancing pumps. 
 
 u Here, jest lift up your foot," sez he. 
 
 I lusted my foot up, and he jirked the strops down quick 
 enough ; but I swan if I didn t feel as if he d corded me up tu see 
 how long I d keep. I didn t wonder the chaps sidled and wrig 
 gled about so when they tried tu dance, a feller couldn t take a 
 regular strong step tu save his life, girt up in a pair of these new- 
 fashioned trousers. 
 
 " Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, jest as he was a going out, 
 and I pinted tu the naked marble woman a standing among the 
 bushes, with the light a coming in from t other room onto her, 
 till she looked like a harnsome ghost a walking among the 
 bushes by moonlight ; " if you ll take a fool s advice you ll buy a 
 frock and petticoat for that purty swarry of yourn, afore you 
 have another party. How should you feel if some of them young 
 gals was tu cum in here ?" 
 
 John bust out a larfin, and I raly thought the critter would 
 never stop. 
 
 " Now what are you a haw-hawing about ?" sez I, sort a 
 wrathy, " because I cum here with my trousers slipped up a 
 leetle. I don t s pose anybody but you see them." 
 
 " Oh never think about it," sez he, a biting in, but the tears 
 kept a running down his cheeks, for all that. " If they did see 
 it, they ll set it down for the eccentricity of genius, as the young 
 ladies say. You literary chaps can do a most anything now-a-days." 
 
 "I begin to think we can," sez I, for jest that rainit I remem 
 bered all that tarnal sweet critter, Miss Miles, had been a saying 
 to me, and I looked down tu see if the sprig of myrtle was in my 
 button-hole yit. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. (J9 
 
 When we went into the room, there warn t scarce any of the 
 party left. I stood by one of the doors till I saw Miss Miles cum 
 down with herpurty face half buried up in a great silk hood so 
 I ji-st went with her to the door, and there stood a carriage with 
 a nigger a standing by the door so I jest took hold of her hand 
 and helped her to git in ; and arter that I felt so lonesome, I bid 
 cousin Mary good night and made tracks for my office. I ruther 
 think I won t tell what I dreamed about you old steady folks do 
 love to larf at a young chap so and as I ruther think I shall 
 sum hum tu thanksgiving, I don t mean to let you all poke too 
 much fun at me. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER VII. 
 
 Scenes in Broadway Jonathan s Interview with the Count and 
 Flirtations with Miss Miles. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 I am eenamost sartin that you was disappinted because I didn t 
 come hum to thanksgiving, but somehow I couldn t raise pluck 
 enough to start, all I could du. I raly don t know what seemed 
 to be the matter with me; but arter Miss Beebe s party, I begun 
 to git as peaked and wamblecropped as could be. I swanny, if 
 it didn t set me all in a fluster the next morning, when I got up 
 and found the sprig of myrtle that Miss Miles give me a lying on 
 the floor jest where it had dropped from the button hole of my 
 new coat. 
 
 I didn t hardly give myself time to put on my clothes, afore I 
 went out to a crockeryware stand and bought a tumbler to put 
 it in ; and then I set it on my desk, and tried to write a little, for 
 I didn t feel jest like eating any breakfast. But it warn t of no 
 use trying all I could du, every idee in my head got fixed oc 
 the myrtle, and Miss Miles, and the party. I didn t write two 
 words together, but scrabbled all over the paper, and figgered out 
 little heads, and meeting-houses, and hay-stacks on it, as nat ral 
 
70 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 as could be ; but if I d been hung and choked to death, I couldn t 
 a wrote two rale ginuine lines. I felt sort of odd all over, and I 
 hadn t the least notion what could ail me; it warn t a very 
 tedious feeling, though, but it seemed as if I was a dreaming yit, 
 and all about that tarnation little Miss Miles. I kept a seeing 
 them bright black eyes and them long curls of hern all the time, 
 as plain as day. I ll be choked if I didn t git afeared that I was 
 a beginning to have a kind of a sneakin notion arter her, and sez 
 I to myself, " Mr. Jonathan Slick, this won t do no how. Arter 
 what you ve seen of woman natur in that Judy White, you must 
 be a darned crazy shote to poke your fingers in that fire agin." 
 But a feller may as well drink tu much lickor and ask it not to 
 make him stagger, as to git his head chock full of the gals and 
 then try to talk common sense to hisself. It is like giving advice 
 to a rat when his leg is in the trap. 
 
 The long and short of it was, I couldn t set still, and I couldn t 
 think of anything on arth but that gal, so I jumped up all tu 
 once and sez I to myself " Wai, one way or t other, by hook or 
 by crook, I ll see her agin I will, by hokey ! it s of no use to 
 git down in the mouth about it, she can t do more than give me 
 the mittin, any how, and it will be the first gal I ever got it from, 
 if she does, I can tell her that." 
 
 I was so anxious that it seemed forever afore I got on my dandy 
 coat and trousers agin. My hankerrher smelt purty strong yit 
 of the essence of peppermint, so I fixed it right in my pocket, 
 put on my yaller gloves, and stuck the sprig of myrtle in my 
 bosom afore I gin the last peak into the leetle looking-glass that 
 hangs in a corner of my office. I don t think there could be 
 much said agin my looks, as I went down Cherry street with my 
 head flung back, sort of independent, and the tip eend of my 
 yaller gloves stuck in my pocket. Consarn that Broadway 
 tailor ! he made the trousers so tight that I couldn t get a hull 
 hand in no more than I could fly. 
 
 Miss Miles lives clear up to the further eend of Broadway, so 
 I took a short cut across the Park, and went along by the Astor 
 House. A lot of dandyfied looking chaps stood on the steps a 
 stfiring at the harnsome gals as they went by, all furbelowed and 
 fineficd out like a stream of garden flowers all in full blow. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 71 
 
 They may talk about England and France and Garmany, aa 
 well as all the other big places that a feller can pint out on the 
 map ; but, for my part, I don t believe there is a place on the 
 arth where the wimmen dress so allfired costly as they du here 
 in York. It raly is enough to make a teller grit his teeth to see 
 the harnsome critters sideling and curchying along the stun walks, 
 wrapped up in silks and satins and velvets, and all sorts of 
 feathers, as long as them that Captain Jones wore in his training 
 cap, as if it only wanted a fiddler to set them all a dancing, when 
 their husbands are out a shinning and working themselves to 
 death to keep their notes from being sued by the lawyers. It 
 don t seem right, but yit they do look tarnal killing in their fur 
 belows it s of no use denying that. 
 
 But one thing did raise my dander a leetle as I went along, 
 that s a fact. Any body that had half an eye could see that all 
 the young gals were possessed after them foreign chaps with the 
 brustles and whiskers. Every once in a while one of the indecent 
 varmints would come along with his head twisted round under 
 some purty woman s bonnet, talking as soft and as mealy-mouthed 
 as could be, like an old grey cat mewing round a bird cage, and 
 the gals seemed all in a twitter, they were so tickled, and screwed 
 up their mouths, and smiled to show their teeth, and looked as 
 proud as peacocks of the etarnal impudent critters. I ll be 
 darned if I don t believe every one of them chaps are barbers or 
 chair-makers when they are to hum, and hearing what a chance 
 the York gals give every kind of animals that come from foreign 
 parts, and how they begin to turn up their noses at a rale true 
 born American, whenever they can git a chance to make fools 
 of themselves with them hairy lipp d fellers, they ve come over 
 here to York to court the gals and git up a new crop of hair to 
 begin bisness with when they git hum agin. Think sez I, it 
 wouldn t be a bad joke sometime about six months arter this, if 
 some of them same gals that don t think nothing of chasing arter 
 them fellers, should buy his whiskers and all the rest on em that 
 they fall in love with, stuffed into a footstool, sich as I saw at 
 Miss Beebe s. Stranger things than that has happened afore 
 now, I reckon. 
 
 It raly made me feel bad to see tall, harnsorae-looking fellers, 
 
72 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 ginnine Americans, with revolutionary blood in their hearts, a 
 standing on the tavern steps, and a walking all alone up and 
 down the streets as raolancholy as mice in an empty mill, while 
 their own wimmen folks, that ought to feel ashamed of them 
 selves, were a talking and smiling and giggling with that pack of 
 varmints. It made my blood bile to see it, I can tell you. 
 
 You wont think it exactly like a Christian to run on as I du 
 about them fellers, I m afeard ; but the truth of it is, I do hate 
 em like pison. If I owned a caravan of living animals, darn me, 
 if I wouldn t catch some on em for specimens, and cage em up 
 for a show. They wouldn t be a strutting up Broadway and a 
 showing themselves for nothing much longer, I can tell the 11 
 that ! They talk about Yankee speculations ; I reckon this wouk 
 be a prime one wouldn t it ? If a feller could only get a good 
 trap made, there wouldn t be no difficulty but we could find 
 purty gals them that live in fine houses and hold up their heads 
 as if they were qurens too that would be willing enough to let 
 you use them for bate. 
 
 You wont be surprised that I am wrothy about them chaps when 
 I tell you how I was struck up jest arter I went by the Astor 
 House. I was thinking about one thing or another, when all to 
 once I lifted my head and there was Miss Miles a coming toward 
 me a looking as fresh and harnsome as a full blown butter cup, 
 and close to her side, that Count with the crabbed name that I 
 saw at Miss Beebe s was a twistifying himsplf along, with his 
 head bent sideways till the great long white feather that she wore 
 in her bonnet all but swept across his eyes. I eenamost felt as if I 
 should holler out, and I raly believe I should have boo hooed 
 right in the street if I hadn t been so allfired wrathy at the sight 
 of him. Oh ! but my Yankee grit did rise I dug my hands down 
 in my trousers pocket and walked right straight up to them a 
 grinning like a hyena, for I was detarmined to let them see that 
 I didn t care a copper how much they walked together. They 
 were so busy twisting their heads about and a looking soft sodder 
 at each other that they didn t see me till I stood right afore them 
 as stiff as an iron crowbar, with my head up straight, and one foot 
 stuck out for ard, as an independent and true born Yankee ought 
 to do when he sees himself imposed on. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 73 
 
 There was no mistake in Miss Miles this time any how. She 
 gave a little scream and blushed as red as a turkey s comb, and 
 then she looked about sort of skeery as if she was afeard some- 
 bodv would see how slick I d caught her. I was mad as all natur, 
 but as true as you live I couldn t but jest keep from haw hawing 
 right out to see how that hair lipp d Count acted when he saw mo 
 a standing up afore him. He kinder stepped back and stuck out 
 one foot a little sideways, jest as if he was a going to make a bow, 
 and he twisted his little stuck up waist round till his head poked 
 out like a mud turtle when he wants to see if anybody is near. 
 Then he took a thing out of his vest pocket hitched to a gold 
 chain that he wore round his neck, and held it up to one eye, and 
 there he stood a staring at me and twisting his face and a brust- 
 ling up his hair lip, like an etarnal monkey. I didn t seem to 
 mind him, but looked right straight at Miss Miles, and sez I 
 
 "How do you du, Miss Miles?" 
 
 She didn t seem to know how to take me at first, so she looked 
 at the feller and then at me, and, arter a while, sez she 
 
 "Oh! Mr Slick, is it you?* 
 
 "Wai, I ruther guess it is," sez I, "but I s pose my room s as 
 good as my company, I don t want tu keep you from talking tu 
 your beau there." 
 
 " Oh ! Mr. Slick," sez she, a twisting up her mouth and a looking 
 in my face, jest as she did the night afore, "how odd you men of 
 genius are! The Count, I m sure, will be happy to meet you, 
 won t you, Count?" 
 
 She called the coot by his hull name, but how she could twist 
 that little mouth of hern so as to git the word out, I can t tell. 
 Arter that she turned her head a little, and said something sort 
 of low to him. She smiled so harnsome, and her voice was so 
 soft and coaxing, that I had eenamost forgot the chap, but her 
 talking to him made me rile up agin and jest as he was letting 
 that half of a pair of spectacles down from his eye, and was a 
 beginning to put his face ship shape agin, I walked right straight 
 up to him, and sez I 
 
 "Look a here you chap, I ruther guess you mean to know wh,p 
 I am the next time you see me." 
 
74 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 44 Sare ?" sez he, a standing up straight and ( pening his great 
 black eyes till they seemed chuck full of fire and brimstone. 
 
 "Wai, what on it?" sez I. 
 
 "You are impertinent," sez he. 
 
 " Wai, now I reckon that aint what I was baptized. I ll tell 
 you what, Mr. Hair-lip, I haint a going to let you nor any body 
 else call me names," sez I, a taking both hands out of my trousers 
 pockets, and a pulling up my yaller gloves, as spiteful as could be, 
 jest to show him that my mawlers were fit for use. 
 
 The feller s lips began to grow white, but he twisted them up 
 as if he wanted to make me think he didn t care for what I said. 
 
 "Sare," sez he, "do you know whom you are speaking to?" 
 
 "Wai," sez I, larfin in his face a leetle, "I ruther guess I du, 
 though I haint just made up my mind what kind of horned cattle 
 you call yourself yit: they give all sich stranger-critters a name, 
 and I s pose you ll git one by-am-by, as well as the rest on em." 
 
 With that he turned as white as a tub of curd, and sez lie 
 
 "This is too much, sare; remember you are speaking to a 
 Count." Here he out with a name as long and crooked as a 
 sassafras root. 
 
 "You don t say so!" sez I. 
 
 "I m a nobleman!" sez he, and he was a going on to give me 
 another string of foreign jaiv-breakers; but I jest sot down my 
 foot, and ,ez I, 
 
 "Look a here, you feller I don t care the value of a butnut- 
 shell how many names you ve got; we don t own no Counts in 
 this ere free laud of liberty, but them that can count down the 
 most bard chink, and they have to work tarnation hard afore 
 they git the title, I can tell you. As for your noblemen, we 
 have raised a new-fashioned sort of em in this land of liberty. 
 In the Revolutionary War a hull grist on em sot their titles down 
 on our glorious Declaration of Independence, and there they ll 
 stay, as bright as the stars, to all etarnity, and a day longer. We 
 don t ask our noblemen who their fathers were, or how they got 
 a living. Great deeds and what s the same thing good de&^ 
 make noblemen here. Every man has to work out his own title 
 and when he dies, instid of leaving it to some booby of a BC/A, uk 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 75 
 
 writes his date out in the history of his country, and takes it back 
 to him who gave the power to arn it. As for any other noblemen 
 though I believe arter all that the true ginuine lords and counts 
 that come out here are a> scarce as hen s teeth " (here the count 
 didn t seem to stand easy,) "we true Americans, rale full-blooded 
 Yankees, don t care any more for their titles than we do for the 
 stuns under our feet. It s only your half-blooded Americans that 
 have been baked over in Europe, and our silly finefied gals that 
 chase after you. An honest straight for ard Yankee gal would take 
 you for jest what you are worth as men, and when they du that, 
 I rather guess we can pull an even yoke with any of you that 
 come from t other side the water." 
 
 Here I gave Miss Miles a squint that made her wilt like a bro 
 ken rose in the hot sun ! " Mr. Slick," sez she, eenamost crying, 
 "I beg, I entreat, let us walk on. See how the people are 
 remarking us." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, sort of mollified, " I aint doing nothing to bo 
 ashamed on, am I?" 
 
 " Oh, no," sez she, " I didn t mean to say that." 
 
 " Wai, there aint nothing on arth that I wont du to oblige a 
 harnsoniu critter like you," sez I, a going round to the other side 
 on her. She gave me another of her prime smiles, and that 
 iseemed to pacify me. So we all three walked along together till 
 we got agin the Astor House once more. The Count looked as 
 sour as a vinegar barrel I suppose, because I was detarmined 
 to hang on, but I kept a stiff upper lip, and marched down the 
 stun walk as straight as a bean pole stuck up on eend. Miss 
 Miles begun to smile agin, and she talked to him as sweet as 
 could be, but I couldn t make out a word she said, for she didn t 
 speak rale American, but every now and then, jeot as I was begin 
 ning to get rily about it, she would turn her face to ine, and 
 pucker up her mouth so coaxing, that somehow I couldn t git 
 right down wrathy if I tried ever so much. 
 
 When the Count saw that I wasn t to be scared away, he jest 
 give me a good long stare right in the eyes, and then bending a 
 little for ard to Miss Miles, he lifted his hat about an inch from 
 his head and went into the Astor House. I don t know what on 
 arth could be the matter, out the ininit he left us I begun to feel 
 
76 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 as sheepish, as could be. I didn t know what in nature to talk 
 
 about so I jest took ray red silk handkercher and gave it a flirt 
 
 out of my pocket, and then put it back agin. 
 
 " Do you like the smell of essence of peppermint, Miss Miles?" 
 
 sez 1. 
 
 "I m very fond of perfume," sez she. 
 
 " I hope you didn t like the stuff that are Count had on his 
 
 handkercher," sez I. " I swanny, It eenamost made me sick ; 
 
 he smelt more like a musk-rat than anything else." 
 
 "You can t expect every body to have your taste in selecting 
 
 perfumes for his toilet, Mr. Slick," sez she, a puckering up her 
 
 mouth till it looked like a red clover top full of honey. 
 
 U I swow, Miss Miles, you look as harnsome as a full blown rose 
 
 this morning," sez I ; "it aint a mite of wonder that I couldn t 
 
 sleep a bit last night." 
 
 With that I jest took a good squint at her as we went along, 
 for I couldn t think what to say next. I don t believe the things 
 she had on cost one cent less than fifty dollars, enough to rig out 
 all the gals in Weathersfield with boughten finery ; her cloak was 
 the queerest thing I ever did see ; it only reached jest down to 
 her knees, and was made out of rale silk velvet. I know it was 
 silk, for I jest slipped off my yaller glove, and felt on it to be sar- 
 tin, as we walked along. It was kinder purply, like the damsons 
 that grow in our corn lot, and was loaded down with some kind 
 of long fur. Under that she wore another dress of black silk vel 
 vet, that shone in the sun like a crow s back. The cloak had 
 great open sleeves, edged with fur, a hanging round her arms ; 
 and I could see the corner of a hankercher a sticking out from 
 the eend of her little black muff jest enough to show how harn- 
 somely it was figger d off; a bunch of red flowers was stuck agin 
 each side of her face under her bonnet, and her eyes looked bright, 
 and her cheeks rosy enough to make a feller catch his breath. 
 The more I looked at her, the more uneasy I got about that 
 Count. I wanted to say something to her about him dreadfully, 
 but some how I didn t know what to say first. I took out my 
 hankercher agin, and then I wiped my no?e and put it back ; theii 
 I begun to examine the fingers of my yaller gloves, to see how 
 they stood the weather. Finally, I lost step, and it took me three 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 77 
 
 minits to get the right hitch agin; at last I bust r:ght out, and, 
 sez I 
 
 " Now, Miss Miles, between you and I and the post, jest tell me 
 do you raly care anything about that are Count ? " 
 
 She turned her roguish black eyes to my face, and, sez she, 
 u Why, Mr. Slick, how can you ask sich a question ? " 
 
 " Now that s Yankee all over," sez I, " you aint told me yet : 
 only asked me another question to match mine." 
 
 " What do you want to know for ?" sez she, sort of softly. 
 
 " Oh, not much of anything ; I should kinder like to know, 
 that s all," sez I. With that, think sez I, I ll try and make her 
 jealous a leetle, and sez I, 
 
 "Do you know, Miss Miles, that they ve been a printing my 
 picter clear off in Michigan and down in Cincinnati ? I guess I 
 shall go out there one of these days and see how I like the folks 
 out West, I begin to git eenamost tired of York." I warn t 
 wrong; that brought her to her senses purty quick. 
 
 " You don t really intend to leave the city," sez she, a looking 
 at me as arnest as could be. 
 
 " Wai, I don t know," sez I, " them Western editors want me 
 to come dreadfully. One on em sent me word that they had a 
 grist of harusome gals in his State." 
 
 " Is the picter out West so very well painted?" sez she. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " it s a purty good likeness, considering it was 
 took in my old clothes." (and with that I took out the paper and 
 I showed it to her. " I rutlier think it will be best for me to go 
 on there," sez I, a putting up the picter; "that are Count will 
 think I want to cut him out, I m afeard." 
 
 I looked straight at her as I said this, but she begun to smooth 
 down the fur on her muff with her little hand, and when she did 
 speak I had to bend my head down to hear \\^at she was a 
 saying. 
 
 Afore I could make out what she meant to say, a couple of 
 harnsome young gals cum along and they stopped as if they were 
 tickled to death to see her; I thought there warn t much chance 
 for me to git another word in edgeways ; so I cut for the office 
 and left them a talking as they went along. 
 
 Think sez I, as I was a going along through the Park, arter all. 
 
78 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 human natur is purty much the same in all places. I don t see 
 as there s much difference between our gals there in Weathers- 
 field, that wear calico frocks and straw bonnets, and these York 
 tippies that go out all furbelowed off in their silks and satins. 
 They are six of one and half a dozen of t other the world over. 
 If it hadn t been for that are Count I should not have been much 
 at a loss to know how to take Miss Miles. When a gal begins to 
 talk down her throat, and fingers her muff as she did, it s a purty 
 sure symptom that there ll be a change of weather in her heart 
 afore long, but somehow that tarnal Count, consarn him, put me 
 all out on my natural reckoning. But who cares? sez I to 
 myself. I ll bet a cookey if there warn t but two men in the 
 world, and them were that darned feller and Jonathan Slick, and 
 she d got to marry one or t other, she wouldn t be long a making 
 up her mind whether to take a chap for what he s got in his 
 head or for the hair that grows outside on it ; for a gal with half 
 an eye might see that when a feller s brains all run to hair, he 
 can t have much sense left. 
 
 But when these fellers are so chased after by all the gals, there 
 is no saying what kind of a chance a plain, honest chap like me 
 might have among em. But any how, I ll try my luck to 
 morrow, for if I don t go tu see her I shall be sick abed, that s 
 
 sartin. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER VIII. 
 The Morning Call A Coquette s Dressing Room. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 Arly the next morning, I got up and put on my new clothes 
 agin, and sot afore the fire, thinking of eenamost every thing on 
 arth, till the clock struck nine ; then I slicked down my hair a 
 leetle, and pulled foot up Broadway agin. I kinder expected 
 every minit that I should meet Miss Miles, as I did yesterday; 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 79 
 
 Dut somehow there didn t seem tu be any body a stirring. There 
 warn t a single one of them whiskered chaps in sight, and all the 
 women-folks that I could see, up or down, seemed tu have on 
 nothing but their everyday clothes. I saw tew or three rale 
 homespun, modest-looking young critters, but they warn t dressed 
 up, and some on em were a carrying band-boxes and sich things 
 afore them. Once I got allfired wrathy, for a nigger woman 
 stood out on the stun side- walk with a great long brush in her 
 hand, a scrubbing the winders of a big house with it; and jest as 
 I come along, she give the brush a flourish, and sent a hull 
 thunder-shower of dirty water all over rny new clothes. 
 
 " You etarnal black nigger, you ! you d better look out, and 
 keep your soap-suds for them that wants washing," sez I. 
 
 But she hee-he d out a larfin, and begun tu brush away agin 
 jest as if I hadn t said a word tu her. Think sez I, it wouldn t 
 be jest the thing for any body tu see me a jawing here with a 
 nigger wench, so I may as well grin and bear it, for I don t know 
 of anything that proves a feller a leetle soft in the garret, so 
 much as keeping up a quarrel with a person that is so much 
 beneath him that there aint nothing tu be gained, though you du 
 git the upper hand. So I choked in, and took out my hankercher 
 and wiped off my coat-sleeves, and went along ; but it warn t no 
 easy matter tu navigate so as not tu git a second ducking, for 
 every nigger in York seemed to be out a washing winders. I 
 come near slipping up tew or three times, the stuns were so wet 
 afore all the housen. I can tell you what, this going tn make 
 morning calls ain t no joke, especially if a feller happens tu be 
 dressed up. The niggers will sponge his coat for him, if the 
 tailor forgot tu, without charging him for the trouble. 
 
 Jest afore I got up tu the great four-story house where Miss 
 Miles lives, I begun to feel sort of anxious agin. Think sez I, 
 what on arth shall I say tu her when I du get there ? So I kept 
 a thinking over a capital leetle speech that I uieant tu make. 
 I d read in story-books about lovers that always went down on 
 their knees when they talked soft sodder to sich 3tuck-up gals as 
 Miss Miles ; but tu save my life, I couldn t make up my mouth 
 to it ; the gal must be something more than common flesh and 
 blood that would ev3r bring Jonathan Slick on his marrow bones, 
 
HIGH LIFE IN NEW YOUR. 
 
 I m thinking; so if she calculates that I m a going to make such 
 a mean coot of myself as that, why she may gc to grass for 
 what I care. 
 
 Besides, sez I tu myself, how on arth would I kneel down in 
 these new-fashioned trousers, if I wanted tu ever so much; when 
 arter putting one thing and another together, I made up my 
 mind that kneeling down tu the gals must have gone oat of 
 fashion. Jiere in York when the chaps give up wearing them 
 trousers puffed in at the waistbands. This kinder made my mind 
 easy on that point ; so I went on thinking over what I should 
 say tu Miss Miles when I got tu her house. 
 
 Now it ain t no ways hard to make first-rate speeches up in a 
 feller s head, when he s a going tu see a gal that he s a beginning 
 tu take a shine arter ; but somehow the worst on it all is, a chap 
 al ers forgets every word on it when he comes where the gal is. 
 
 I begun to grow awful uneasy jest afore I got to the house, 
 and my heart sot to beating in my bosom, like the pestle in an 
 old fashioned samp mortar. It seemed to me as if somebody 
 was a looking arter me, and as if they knew that I was going a 
 courting in broad daylight, which was enough to make any 
 decent chap look sheepish that had never thought of making up 
 Jo the gals only on a Sunday night arter dark, when these things 
 jfceem to come nat ral. 
 
 Wai, when I got agin the house, I took a squint up to the 
 winders, for I thought mebby Miss Miles would be a looking out ; 
 but there warn t nobody to be seen, so I went up the wide mar 
 ble steps, that looked as white as snow, with a great chunk of 
 marble a curling down each side on em, and there I stood stock 
 still, for my heart floundered about so that it eenamost choked 
 me, and if I d been hung I couldn t a got up pluck to pull the 
 silver knob and make somebody come and let me in ; for all tho 
 York people keep their doors fastened in the day time, so that if 
 a feller s in ever so much of a hurry, he s got to stand out doors 
 till a nigger comes to let him in. 
 
 By-am-by a black gal stuck her head up from under the steps, 
 as if she was a going tu speak ; so I turned my back to the door, 
 and stuck both hands in my pockets and began to whistle, as in 
 dependent as could be, jest to let her see that I didn t feel anxious 
 
LF JONATHAN SLICK. 81 
 
 to get in. Artcr that I went clown :he steps agin, jest giving a 
 leetle touch of Yankee Doodle, sort of easy, as I walked up and 
 down on the stun walk afore the house, a trying to git up courage. 
 At last a gal come to the door with a tin basin in her hands, and 
 begun to scour the silver knobs so ; I jest went right up the steps 
 agin like a house a lire, and sez I to the gal 
 
 " Is Miss Miles tu hum ?" 
 
 She kinder stared at me, as if she was a going to ask what I 
 wanted, but I warn t a going to stand there a talking to her, so 
 I jest pushed ahead, and went into the entry way. There warn t 
 nobody there, but one of the mahogany doors that opened on 
 one side was wide open, and I went in. 
 
 If any thing, the two great rooms was more harnsome than 
 them at Cousin Beebe s: the footstools and the settees and the 
 chairs were all kivered with shiny red velvet, figgered off like all 
 natur ; but they stood about over the carpet every which way. 
 Two or three little stun tables stood out in the middle of the 
 room ; one on em was kivered with decanters and wine glasses, 
 and some of the books lay all kivered with gold, a glittering and 
 shining on the carpet. The grates were all lined with solid silver, 
 but there warn t a spark of fire in either on em yit, and the 
 ashes lay all scattered out over the stun hearths as thick as could 
 be. A part of the great silk winder curtains were hitched up, 
 and the rest on em fell clear down to the floo; over the winders, 
 till the sunshine that come a pouring throng; them looked as 
 light and red as a hundred glasses full of currant wine. Thinks 
 I, what on arth has become of all the folks? One would think 
 that they hadn t eat breakfast yit, by the looks of things; yit 
 that couldn t be, for by that time it was eenamost ten o clock, 
 and any body that has the least idee of gitting a living won t 
 wait arter six for his breakfast. 
 
 Wai, arter wandering about the rooms a good while, I went 
 into the entry way agin ; by that time the gal that I d seen at 
 the door had got up on a chair, and was a hauling down a great 
 round glass thing, which was hung by a sort of chain up to the 
 ruff of the entry. When she see me a coming out of the two 
 rooms, she yelled out as if she didn t know that I was there 
 afore. 
 
 6 
 
82 - HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 " What do you want here ?" sez she, as impendent as could be. 
 
 "Hold your tarnal yop, you critter you," sez I, u and jest tell 
 me where Miss Miles is ; I ve come to make her a morning call." 
 
 The gal seemed a leetle mortified by that, and sez she to a leetle 
 stuck up cuffy boy that cum up stairs jest then, u Here s a gen 
 tleman wants to see Miss Miles is she up yet ?" 
 
 Wai, now, think sez I, if this York aint the beatumest place 
 that ever I did see there aiut a nigger in it but what s a pok 
 ing fun at you or a throwing water or some tarnal thing or 
 another. I wonder if these leetle coots think I m soft enough to 
 believe that an honest, harnsome gal like Miss Miles, lies abed till 
 ten o clock. They don t stuff me up that way, any how, if I did 
 come from the country. 
 
 " What name shall I take up ?" sez the teinty cuffy, a bowing. 
 
 " Oh, I haint parlic lar," sez I ; " you may take up any you 
 like best but I wish you d jest tell me where she is, for I begin 
 to feel eenamost tuckered out, a walking and a standing round 
 here." 
 
 The leetle cuffy looked at the gal, and then they both begun 
 to giggle and tee-hee like any thing. 
 
 " Look a here, you damiuation copper colored image you," sez 
 I to the nigger, a jest you step up this minit if you don t want 
 to git an allfired thrashing!" 
 
 The poor leetle varrnint looked scared out of a year s growth, 
 and sez he, as humble as could be, " Who shall I say wants to 
 see Miss Miles?" 
 
 " Never you mind that." sez I, "go ahead, and I guess she 
 won t be long a finding out." 
 
 With that the nigger went up stairs, and I arter him full 
 chisel ; he looked round as if he wanted to say something jest as 
 he stopped by a door in the upper entry way ; but I told him to 
 go ahead and hold his yop, for I warn t a going to wait any 
 longer. So he rapped at the door and somebody said, " Come 
 in." My heart riz in my throat, for I knew whose voice it was> 
 and I begun to feel as if I d pitched head for ard into a mill dam. 
 The cuffy opened the door, and sez he, " Ma am here s a gentle 
 man that would come up." 
 
 I heard somebody give a leetle scream, and with that I jest 
 
BY JONATHAN SLIi K. 83 
 
 pushed the nigger out of the way, and scz I, Miss Miles, how 
 du you du ?" 
 
 I sniggers, if I didn t r?Jy pity the poor gal, she looked so 
 struck up in a heap ; but what on arth made her act so I couldn t 
 tell at fust, for I felt kinder streaked as if I d done something that 
 wasn t exactly right, though I couldn t think what, audit was as 
 much as a minit afore I looked right in her face. But jest as I 
 lifted up my head, and drew up ray foot, arter making one of my 
 fust cut bows, she stood jest afore me. By the living hokey, I 
 never was so struck up in my born days ! You know what I ve 
 told you about Miss Miles, about her plump round form, her red 
 lips, and her rosy cheeks. Well, I ll be darned if there was one 
 of them left I shouldn t have known her no more than nothing, 
 if it hadn t been for her eyes and the way she spoke. Her neck 
 and for ard that always looked so white and harnsome, when ] see 
 her at Cousin Mary s, and in Broadway, was a.s yaller as a safron 
 bapr. There warn t the least mite of red in her face, and her 
 hair was all frizzley, and done up in a leetle bunch, about as big 
 as a hen s egg behind ! She had on a great loose awk ard-looking 
 gown, that made her seem twice as chunked as she used to, arid 
 thai looked more like a man s shirt cut long and ruffled round 
 than any thing else. It warn t any too clean neither, and both 
 her leetle shoes were down to the heel. 
 
 There I stood a looking at her with all the eyes in my head 
 my foot was drawed up tight, and my arms were a hanging 
 straight down, jest as they swung back arter I d made my bow. 
 I kinder seemed tu feel that my mouth was open a lectio, and 
 that I was a staring at her harder than was manners for me. 
 But if you d a given me the best farm in all Weatherefield, I 
 couldn t have helped it, I was so struck up in a heap at seeing her 
 in sich a fix. I guess it was as much as two minits afore either 
 on us said a word; and, at last, Miss Miles turned to the nigger 
 as savage as a meataxe, and, sez she, 
 
 u Why didn t you show Mr. Slick into the drawing room?" 
 
 " Oh, don t seem to mind it," sez I a walking into the room, 
 and a setting down on a chair with my hat between my knees, 
 I d jest as livs set up here as any where." 
 
 She looked as if she d burst right out a crying, but at last sh 
 
84 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YOSlh. 
 
 sot down and tried to act as if she was glad to see me. She 
 begun to make excuses about herself and the room, and said she 
 wasn t very well that morning, that she took a new book, and 
 sot down jest as she was to read it. 
 
 " Oh," sez I, " don t make no excuses ; it aint the fust time 
 that I ve ketched a gal in the suds. Harm used to say that she 
 never looked worse than common that somebody wasn t sartin 
 to drop in." 
 
 u Will you excuse me one instant, Mr, Slick," sez she, a minit 
 arter I d said this, and a looking down on her awk ard dress, as 
 if she couldn t help but feel streaked yit. 
 
 " Sartinly," sez I ; " don t make no stranger of me." 
 
 With that, she opened the door and went into a room close by. 
 I jest got a good peak into it as she went through the door, and 
 an allfired harnsome room it was. There was a great mahogany 
 bedstead a standing in the middle, with a high goo^e feather bed 
 on it, kivered all over with a white quilt and great square pillows 
 all ruffled off, and the winder curtains were part white and part 
 sort of indigo blue. I couldn t git a chance to see what else 
 there was, she shut the door so quick. " By gracious," sez I to 
 myself, arter she went out, " who on arth would ever have 
 thought that Miss Miles was so old. When I saw her yester 
 day, I d a took my Bible oath that she warn t more than eight 
 een, but now I ll be choked if she don t look as ancient as the 
 hills. If ever she sees thirty agin she ll have to turn like a 
 crab and walk backwards five or six years." What puzzled me 
 most was how in creation she contrived to look so young but it 
 warn t a great while afore I made it out as clear as one of Dea 
 con Sykes exhortations. Arter she d gone out I jest got up and 
 took a sort of survey of the room ; everything was t other eend 
 up, helter skelter in it; there was no eend to the finery and 
 harnsome furniture, but it don t make much odds how extrava 
 gant one is a laying out money if things aint kept neat andsacg 
 in their places. The more things cost, the more it seems to hurt 
 a feller s feelings to see them flung about topsy turvy, as they 
 were in that room. I ruther think sl.e didn t have her company 
 up there very often but a gal that s got a good bringing up will 
 be jest as particular about the place she keeps for herself, and 
 
Br JONATHAN SLICK. 85 
 
 which company never sees, as if it was likely to be seen every 
 day of her life. 
 
 I begun tu be allfirecl glad that I didn t ask her to have rue 
 yesterday, for if she d been as young as she seemed tu be, and as 
 harnsome as an angel, I wouldn t a had her arter seeing that 
 room of her n. A pocket hankercher, worked and sprigged, and 
 ruffled off with lace, was a lying on the settee, but it was all 
 grimmed over with dirt, and looked as if it would a gin any 
 filing for a sight of the wa^h tub. The carpet was as soft and 
 thick as could be, and it was all kivered over with bunches of 
 po>ies as nat ral as life; but there was a great grease spot clo.se 
 l>v the tire, where somebody had npsot a lamp, and all around 
 the edges and in the corners it looked as if it hadn t been swept 
 for ever so long. A chest of drawers, solid, shiny mahogany - 
 with a great looking-glass, swung between two pieces of mahogany 
 on the top, stood on one side of the room, arid there, a banging 
 over the edge on em, as true as I live, were the long, harnsorne 
 curls that I d seen on Miss Miles when she was tu cousin Mary s 
 party I Wai, think sez I, if this don t take the rag off the bush ! 
 What du you think I saw next? A glass tumbler about half full 
 of water, with three nice, leetle, white teeth a lying in the bot 
 tom on it! I couldn t help but give a leetle whistle when I saw 
 them. Think sez I, it s jer-t as like as not that Miss Miles wont 
 pucker up her nuMith and smile, quite so much this morning a-* 
 she did yesterday, any ho\v. 
 
 There were t\vo leetle china cups with the kivers a lying down 
 by them; one was filled with white stuff, kinder like flour, only 
 ruther more gritty, and t o her was full of something that looked 
 as much like rose leaves ground down to powder as anything. A 
 leetle chunk of cotton wool was stuck into it, but what on arth 
 it was for, I couldn t make out. There were two or three silk 
 cushions chuck Cull of pins, on the drawers, and there was no 
 eend tu the leetle glass bottles all sprigged off with gold, a lying 
 ronnd on the mantle-shelf, as well as on the tables and the sliest 
 of drawers. 
 
 In one corner of the room there stood a great looking-glass, a 
 swinging between two leetle posts cut out of mahogany, and right 
 over it two silk frocks were tumbled up together. I begun to 
 
86 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 finger them a ijetle, for somehow I felt curious tu know how the 
 tarnal cunning critter contrived tu make herself look so plump 
 and round. It didn t want much cyphering tu find her out. The 
 tops of her frocks, both on em, were all stuffed full of something 
 soft that made them stand out as nat ral as life. I hadn t but 
 jest time tu drop the frock and set down agin looking as 
 innocent as if butter wouldn t melt in my mouth when Miss 
 Miles come back agin. She d put on another frock, all ruffled 
 off, and somehow or other, had fixed up her hair so as to look 
 ruther more ship shape; but she hadn t had time to put herself 
 all together, though her face did look a leetle whiter than it did 
 when I fust went in. There warnt a bit of a hump on her back, 
 and she was nat ral all the way round ! 
 
 I felt ruther uneasy, for, think sez I, it s jest as like as not she ll 
 expect me to talk over a leetle soft sodder with her, as I did yes 
 terday ; but I ll be darned if it don t make me sick tu think on it. 
 I hitched about on my chair, and I looked at every thing in the 
 room but her, then I took up my hat and begun to balance it on 
 my two fore fingers, and at last sez I 
 
 " Wai, Miss Miles, I s pose I may as well be a jogging." 
 
 u Don t be in a hurry," sez she, a trying tu smile, but without 
 opening her lips a bit, "I hope you won t make strangers 
 of us." 
 
 I let my hat drop, and picked it up again. 
 
 " What book was that that you ve been a reading?" sez I, de- 
 tarmined tu say something. 
 
 " Oh, that s the Countess of Blessington s last work," sez she ; 
 "it s a charming book. Do you like her writings, Mr. Slick?" 
 
 "Wai, I don t know," sez I ; "I never read any of her books, but 
 it kinder strikes me that she aint no great shakes herself, anyhow." 
 
 u Oh, you shouldn t be censorious, Mr. Slick," sez she. "You 
 know Mr. Willis visited her and was delighted." 
 
 "Wai, now," sez I, "it s my opinion that Mr. N. P. Willis 
 couldn t be over hard to please, if a woman only had a title to her 
 name; but I wonder how on arth he contrived tu git so thick 
 with the quality over there in England. I ruther think I shall 
 go over there and try my luck one of these days, in his way, they 
 seem to be so taken.up with us Yankees, but arter all if a feller 
 
BT JONATHAN SLICK. 8*7 
 
 \ihs to go over England to let them lords and editors puff him, 
 arore anybody will take notice on him, he d better take tu some 
 other bisness. There ain t a man in all this country that ever 
 wrote more genuine things than that chap did when he was a 
 leetle shaver in Yale College, and yet nobody would believe a 
 word on t till he went off to England. Now it s my opinion that 
 he never wrote anything arter he went off, half so much to his 
 credit as he did afore, and when he came here to York from about 
 our parts, jest as Fve come now, if he didn t desarvetu be treated 
 well then, why he don t now, that s sartin. But I used to know 
 him down East, and it s my opinion that he s a first rate, hull- 
 hearted feller, and a rale ginuine poet tu boot! But I swanny! 
 Miss Miles, I must be a going, you hain t no idea how much I ve 
 got to du!" 
 
 With that I got ip and made a bow. She made a ourchy, 
 and, sez she, "Mr. Slick, call agin, we shall always be glad to 
 see you." 
 
 "Sartinly," sez I; so I made another bow and cut stick down 
 stairs into the open street. But if Miss Miles ever ketches mfe 
 on her premises again, she ll ketch a weasel asleep. That Count 
 may marry her what there is left of her and go to grass, for 
 what I care. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER IX. 
 
 A New York Parvenu. Jonathan s Account of his Cousin Jason 
 Slick, and how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on soft 
 sorlder. The dinner of a Connecticut Coaster. A New York Coat 
 of Arms, lions couchant and levant. Yankee Ancestry. The way 
 a Yankee speculates, and gets up States, Railroads and Banks, by 
 soft sodder. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 It is eenamost twelve o clock jest arter New Years, and here 
 I be as wide awake as a night hawk, and a feeling purty con 
 siderably rily in the upper story. So I believe it ll be about the 
 
83 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 best thing I can da tu clap down and tell you all about 
 Year s Day here in York. 
 
 But first I want tu tell you something about all the trials ano 
 troubles that I ve had tu go through since I wrote my last letter 
 I don t believe there ever was a human critter so chased artei 
 as I ve been. They talk about Cherry street not being fashion 
 able, but I ll be darned if I believe there s a more genteel street 
 in the city. It s the folks that live in a place that make it gen 
 teel or not, and if Cherry street aint at the top of the mark 
 afore many more weeks, it ll be because I move my office out or, 
 it, for there s no eend to the great shiny carriages that come 
 down and stop afore my door, eenamost every hour in the day. 
 It raly does look funny enough to see great pussey fellers, as big 
 as the side of the house, a sitting in them things all bolstered up 
 with cushions and kivered over with skins, like a baby shut up 
 in a go-cart afore it begins tu run alone. 
 
 T other day there was one of these fat chaps come into my 
 office, and sot out tu make me believe that he was a sort of a 
 relation of mine. I didn t feel jest right, for since I begun to 
 print my letters in the Express it beats all natur how many rela 
 tions, that I never heard on afore, have bet*h a trying tu scrape 
 an acquaintance with me. Wai, after a good deal of beating about 
 the bush, this chap at last made out purty tolerably clear that he 
 was a kind of a great toe cousin of our n, and that he was born 
 and brought up in Weathersfield. He come his soft sodder over 
 me mighty smooth, and had a good deal to say about how much 
 he thought of us all, and how fond he d been of Sam and me. I 
 wish you could a seen how he pussed out his mouth and breathed 
 through his nose, and what a heap of pomposity he put on when 
 lie was a talking. He acted jest like our old turkey gobler, when 
 he goes training the young turkeys round the barnyard, with his 
 wings feathered out and his tail spread. Wai, arter talking all 
 Kinds of rigmarole for about an hour, he begun to tell how hard 
 it was for a young man tu start in the world, and git along \\ith- 
 out somebody tu give him a push up the hill, and that it didn t 
 make much odds how much genius a man had, or how smart he 
 was, if he hadn t some rich and influential friend tu back 
 him up. 
 
BY JOXATFIAX SUCK. 89 
 
 "Now," sez be, "cousin Slick," and you can t think how 
 he seemed tu call me cousin; "you ve done purty well 
 since you come to York, considering tliat you hadn t nobody 
 to help you along but Mr. Beebe; but you must git a peg 
 higher yit ; we must introduce you among the aristocracy." 
 
 "The what?" sez I. 
 
 "The aristocracy," sez he agin, strutting back, and poking 
 one hand down into his trousers pocket, as if he was a going tu 
 t::kc- something out. 
 
 Wai, think sez I, I s pose arter he s fumbled about long enough, 
 he ll show me what aristocracy is, if he carries it about in his 
 pocket like the rest on em ; but he only took out a piece ot 
 pinted gold, and begun to poke it between his teeth; and arter 
 he d got through, he made out tu finish what he was a saying. 
 
 "Now," sez he, " I think I ve seen Mr. Beebe at the New En 
 gland dinner, and at one or two places of that sort where one 
 meets almost every body, and for a merchant that hasn t made 
 enough to leave off business, I dare say he s a very respectable 
 sort ot a man, but he don t exactly belong tu the the; that is, 
 tu the class who which I mean tu take you inter, Mr. Slick ; 
 a class that claim some standing from their ancestors men of 
 family, that can be traced back like our s, cousin." 
 
 " Yes," sez I, sort o* pleased, " I believe we never had many 
 relations tu be ashamed on. Par always used to say that grandpa 
 Slick could make about the harnsomest pair of cow-hide boots 
 of any feller in Weathersfield ; and as for uncle Josh, I d be 
 darned if ever I saw his equal at shoeing a hos. They were 
 prime old chaps both on em rale peelers, I can tell you. Now, 
 come tu think on it, there was one lazy coot of a feller that never 
 would work for a living; but he went off when I was a little 
 shaver, and our folks don t know what became of him. He 
 warn t much credit to us, that s a facr." 
 
 "I don t know what on arth made my pussey cous-in get so 
 fedgety all tu once, but he begun to hitch about iii his chair, and 
 turned as red as a winter appl3 ; and, sez he 
 
 " Cousin Slick, this isn t the way we gentlemen prove that we 
 are men of family. If that was the way we did it, there aint 
 many meu iii the country that would go back two generations 
 
60 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 without breaking their neck over a lap stone or an anvil. No\f 
 I have taken a good deal of pains to trace out our family line, 
 and the only .way I could du it was to skip all the mechanics and 
 farmers, jest touch slightly on the merchants, lawyers and 
 ministers, but to dwell purty particularly hard on them that lived 
 high and did nothing ; now a days it helps a feller along a good 
 deal if he can count up an author or so ; and it was considered 
 something of a feather in a man s cap if any of his relations 
 were sent to Congress a few years ago; but now, since they ve 
 got a kicking up a dust every other day in the Capitol, and to 
 spitting fire at each other like dogs and cats, it don t help a man 
 much to claim any of them for connexions except here and there 
 one that has got decency enough to be "ashamed of the rest. I 
 begin to be glad that none of our family ever got into politics 
 much ; but step to the door cousin Slick, and I ll show you the 
 coat-of-arms that I ve got on my carriage." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I don t care if I du, though it comes kinder 
 tough to leave the stove this cold day." With that I tipped 
 down my chair, and took my feet off from the stove and went to 
 the door. By gracious ! but he had a smasher of a coach stand 
 ing there. It glistened and shone in the sun like a house afire. 
 A great strapping nigger sot on a kind of double chair with a 
 low narrer back, kivered over with fine brown broadcloth, all 
 fringed and tossled off like any thing and a great bear skin was 
 hauled up over his legs, all scolloped off with red cloth and stuck 
 over with coons tails. The horses beat all live critters I ever 
 did see ; they were as black as crows, and I couldn t say which 
 glistened the most, their tarnal smooth coots, or the harness put 
 o\er them. They were all kivered over and sot out with silver. 
 The horses had great yaller roses stuck on the sides of their 
 heads, like a gal when she s dressed up for a party. My pussey 
 cousin, he opened the door, and sez he, 
 
 u Look a here, cousin, haint this purty well got up ?" 
 I looked inside, and there was a leetle sort of a room about 
 big enough for cousin Beebe to put his swarry in, if he wanted 
 to carry it abort with him. It was all lined off and stuck full 
 <>f cushions, and tossled and fringed like a curtained bed. Tw^ 
 great -potted skins lay tumbled up in the bottom, and there were 
 
BV JONATHAN SUCK. 91 
 
 keetle glass doors with steps to them on both sides; it raly was 
 harnsome enough to make a feller s eyes feel snow-blind. 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, a 1 >oking at my pussey cousin ; " this does about 
 take the shine off eenumost all the coaches that ever stopped to 
 my office and there s been a grist on em, I cap tell you, and 
 ome with tarnal handsome ladies in them too." 
 
 "Yes," sez he, sort of interrupting what I was going to say ; 
 " but yon haint a looking at the coat of arms that is what I 
 want you to see." 
 
 4k Wai," sez I, a giving the nigger a purty general survey, that 
 lot back of the horses dressed up in sort of regimentals, all fine- 
 ned off with buttons and yaller cloth ; " The coat is well enough 
 I don t see much to find fault with in it, though to own the 
 truth, Captin Wolf, of the Weathersfield Independent Company, 
 had a training coat that beats it all tu nothing. As for the crit 
 ter s arms, niggers may be different to white people in that way, 
 but I don t see much odds mebby you mean this other chap s, 
 and his are long enough, that s a fact." 
 
 With that I jest took a good squint at a great tall shote of a 
 feller, with arms like a pair of Hails hung up arter threshing. 
 He was a standing up back of the coach, and a hanging on to a 
 couple of great tossels fastened to it. as independent as a monkey 
 in a show. His coat and trousers were ju?t like the nigger s, and 
 he had a great wide band of gold stuff round his hat ! my pussey 
 cousin only shook his head when I looked at the chap. The 
 niirger twisted his neck round, and the tall varmint stuck his n 
 up, and they begun to grin and tee hee at each other over the 
 coach. 
 
 4% See here, this is what I mean," sez my cousin ; and his fat 
 cheek begun to grow red with the cold or something. With that 
 he put his finger on a picter, all sprigged out with gold that 
 was figgered on the door, and sez he, "this is the coat and 
 arm?." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I ve seen a good many picters, but I never 
 heard them called by that name afore. I s pose this is some York 
 action that you ve picked up, aint it?" 
 
 " It s tho ginuine thing," sez he, u and I paid a deal of money 
 or it, I can tell you." 
 
92 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, a looking at the consarn purty sharp ; " them 
 two critters a lying down there cut a considerable of a dash, 
 that s a fact ; but the rooster on the top, that are beats all. It s 
 so nat ral, it seems to me as if I could hear it cockadoodledoo 
 right out." 
 
 " Yes," sez my cousin, "that is well done, aint it? But I see 
 you don t exactly comprehend the science of heraldry. Now all 
 these things mean something." 
 
 " You don t say so !" sez I. 
 
 " These are lions couchant," sez he, a pinting tu the wild 
 cri uters. 
 
 * You don t say so !" sez I agin ; " I ve seen a good many lions 
 in the shows that travel through Weathersfield, but I never saw 
 a croushong afore. They look purty much alike, don t they 
 though ?" 
 
 With that the two varmints stuck up at each eend of the 
 carriage begun tu tee hee agin, and my pussey cousin, sez he, 
 " Mr. Slick, supposing we go in." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " but if you d jest as lives, I should kinder like 
 tu know what the rooster means afore we go." 
 
 " Can t you guess what part of the Slick family that belongs 
 to ?" sez he, a strutting up and rubbing his hands together as 
 proud as could be. 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "I don t know, without it belongs to Aunt 
 Lydia par s old maid of a sister; she sartirily did beat all natur 
 at raising chickens. You never heard of an egg turning out rot 
 ten, or a duck gitting drowned, on her premises." 
 
 With that the two chaps giggled right out, and stuck their fists 
 into their darn d great tatur-traps as if they felt a cold; and my 
 pussey cousin, sez he, " it s a gitring cold less go in." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I don t care if we du ; but I tell you what, it 
 them two chaps don t jest hush up their } T op, I ll give them both 
 an allfired thrashing I will, by gosh!" 
 
 I ruther guess the two mean critters haulod in their horns a 
 few at this; and arter I d gin them both a purty savage look, we 
 went into the office agin. 
 
 " Now," sez my pussey cousin, jest as soon as we d both sot 
 down agin, u Cousin Slick, I ve found you out, and I mean to du 
 
BV JONATHAN SI.ICK 93 
 
 something for you sonic* hi ng harnsomc, yon may depend ou t. 
 Jest you call up to my house next New Year s day, and git ac 
 quainted with my folks, and arter that you needn t be consamed 
 about anything. I m puny well known here in the city, and my 
 relation can hold up his head almost anywhere, I should think! 
 I was down tu the Astor House t other day," sez he, a stopping 
 to git breath and stretching both his legs out straight, while ho 
 stuck both hands in Ins pockets, mighty big, "and there was that 
 foreign Count and Miss Miles s brother running on about you, 
 and swearing that they d skin you alive the first time they caught 
 you in Broadway ; but I went up tu them, and sez I, * thai young 
 gentleman is a near relation of mine, and anything you say agin 
 him, I take tu myself. You can t think, cousin Jonathan, what 
 an impression it made! So you needn t have the least fear 
 of what they can du while I stand by you they know me." 
 
 With that, my pussey cousin got up and arter he d shook 
 hands with me, he went off, carriage and all. I say, par, I wish 
 I could give you some idee of him. Did you ever see a great 
 spotted toad a swelling under a harrer, or a turkey gobbler jest 
 afore thanksgiving? 
 
 I say nothing ; but didn t I larf arter he d gone. The great 
 stuck-up bear, with his family, and his hens and roosters he go 
 to grass. 
 
 Wai, jest as soon as my pussey cousin had cleared out, I put on 
 my hat, and streaked it down to Peck slip, for Captin Doolitile 
 has jest put in agin with another load of garden sarce; and think 
 sez I, mebby he can tell me sometliing about this chap, for he 
 knows eenamost everybody that ever lived anywhere about 
 Weathersfield. 
 
 The Captin had jest sot down to dinner, and was a digging 
 away like all natur, at a hunk of cold york and a raw onion; a 
 mug of something hot stood on the locker afore him, and ho 
 looked like live, I can tell you. 
 
 u Wai, Jonathan," sez he, a looking kinder skewing at my new 
 trousers, " Wont you set by and take a bite?" 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "I shoudn t mind if I did, but to-morrow is 
 New Year s, and I ve got tu go and see a hull heap of th<*e York 
 gals, and I m afeard my breath will smell of the onions." 
 
94 HIGH LIFE IN NEW T ORK. 
 
 I wish you could a seen how Captin Doolittle stared, as he 
 stuck his face close up tu mine, giving his jack-knife a grip, ha 
 struck the butt eend of it down on the locker, and sez he, 
 
 "Jonathan, they re a spiling you down here in York, they be. 
 by hokey ! Go hum, I tell you, and marry Judy White she 
 knows what s what, and I can tell you these York gals that turn 
 up their noses at the smell of onions, can t have decent bringing 
 .p any how. They ve sot you agin onions already, and it wont 
 be a great while afore you ll turn agin your own relations." 
 
 " Now," sez I, " Captain Doolittle, don t say that are, it makes 
 ne feel bad, and I don t desarve it. A feller that will let money, 
 cr a stuck up name, or the handsomest gal that ever trod shoe 
 .eather set him agin his own father and mother, desarves tu be 
 kicked tu death by grasshoppers." 
 
 This seemed to sort of mollify the captin, but he stripped the 
 peel off another onion mighty wrothy, and arter a minit sez he. 
 " Wai, Jonathan, I m glad to hear that you ve got some of your 
 old notions left, but I always make a pint not to talk when I m a 
 eating, so if you won t set by, why just keep a stiff jaw while I 
 stow away another slice of pork and this piece of onion, and then 
 I m the man for you." 
 
 With that he went to cutting off a chunk of pork and a chunk 
 of onion to hand about, till it fairly made my eyes water to see 
 him crunch them down. Arter a while he wiped his jack-knife 
 on his cuff, shut it tew with a jerk, and put it in his trousers 
 pocket; then he took a pull at the mug, and arter he d got a long 
 nine purty well a going, he stretched out his legs, and sez he : 
 
 "Wai, Jonathan, what did you corne for, if you didn t want 
 nothing to eat?" 
 
 With that I sot down and told him all about my pussey cousin. 
 I could see that the critter had heard on him afore by the way 
 he twisted his mouth around about the long nine ; but when I 
 told him about the carriage and rooster and so on, he jest took 
 and gave the long nine a fling, clapped his thumb agin the side 
 of his nose, and winking one eye, make his fingers t tinkle up and 
 down for as much as a minit without saying a word ; arter ;t 
 while he asked the critter s name, and when I told him, he jump 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 95 
 
 ed up, cut a pigeon wing over the locker, arid stopping right afore 
 me, winked t other eye, and sez lie 
 
 " Look a here, Jonathan, didn t your par never tell you about 
 Jase Slick, the great lazy coon, that got married and went off 
 Wesr, because he was so alllired lazy that he couldn t git a living 
 like other folks? Jest let ine cool off a leetle,and I ll tell you all 
 about him." 
 
 With that the Captin brushed away the onion skins and we sot 
 down together on the locker, and sez he u Mebby your par 
 never told you what an etarnal lazy shote Jase was, but he did 
 beat all natur for doing nothing but swop jack-knives and pitch 
 coppers. He was a tickler though at trapping mushrats and 
 shooting foxes, and he use to send the skins down here to York. 
 Now it aint common that you ll find a lazy shack of a feller very 
 tight about money, but Jase was as close as the bark of a tree ; 
 he d a skinned a musketoe any day for the hide and taller. I 
 don t believe the critter ever stood treat in his hull life; I don t, 
 by gracious. 
 
 "Wai, arter all, he warn t a bad hearted feller; but when he 
 see that all the gals turned up their noses at him, and didn t give 
 him invites to their quillings and so on, he coaxed me to let him 
 work his passage down here to York. He used to send his skins 
 by me, and sol kinder felt for him, and kept track on him a good 
 while arter he got here. He did purty tolerably well at first, 
 considering who it was he bought a hand-cart, and took people s 
 trunks and sich things up from the steamboats and sloops that 
 put into Peck slip ; but there was too much work about that to 
 suit him ; so he got somebody to lend him a little money and sot 
 up a rum shop close by the slip. 
 
 "Arter that," sez the Captin, a picking up his long nine and a 
 lighting it, " arter that I kinder lost track on him, but somebody 
 told me that he d swopped off his stock and gone out West. Wai, 
 two years go by purty quick, you know, Jonathan or if you 
 don t know, you will, when you git to be as old as I am and I 
 couldn t but jest believe it was so long since I d seen the critter, 
 when I met him smash in the face one day when I was a scoot 
 ing up Wall-street, to get specie for a five dollar bill. Gracioui 
 
0(V HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 me! how he was a strutting up the side- walk didn t he cut a 
 swarth with his shiney black coat and the bunch of golden seals 
 a hanging down from his watch fob ! He didirt seem to know 
 me at fust, but I went right straight up to him and sez I 
 
 " Wai, Jase, how do you do? I never how he did look! 
 First he kinder held out his hand a leetle, and then he hauled it 
 back agin, and, sez he, how do you du, sir? but he seemed to 
 be all in a twitter. I didn t seem to mind it, but I stuck my 
 hands in my pockets jest as you do, Jonathan, there in your pic- 
 ters and sez I 
 
 " Tough and hearty as ever. How does the world use you 
 about these times ? 
 
 u It was as much as I could du to keep from larfin right out, 
 to see the etarnal pussey critter skew his head round and look at 
 the stream of men that was a going up and down on each side of 
 the way, as if he was afraid that some on em would see us, the 
 mean sneaking coot! Arter a miiiit he sez, sez he, Captin, I m 
 in a hurry now, but I s pose you can be found in the old place. 
 Good morning. 
 
 "With that he jest put both hands under his coat tail, and 
 tilting it up a leetle, went sailing along up the side- walk like a 
 prize hog jest afore killing time. I snorted right out all I could 
 du to help it. Then I bent down my knees a leetle, and stuck my 
 hands down hard in both pockets, and I ruther guess the whistle 
 I sent arter him made all the folks stare a few. It wasn t, good 
 manners, but I sarved him right. Jonathan, I d been a friend to 
 the critter when he wanted one bad enough, and any man on 
 arth that s ashamed of his acquaintances because he s got a peg 
 above them in the way of money is a coward and a mean 
 shote, there s no two ways about that. 
 
 u Wai, arter seeing Jase in the street so stuck up, I jest in 
 quired a little about him, what he d been a doing and so on ; and 
 arter a while, I found out what made him so mighty obstropor- 
 ous. You see he d found out it warn t so easy tu git a living in 
 York without doing some kind of work, so he absquatelated, as 
 they say down here but I don t think that s a ginuine word 
 and went off West. 
 
 u There he mushquashed round in the woods till he got tired 
 
BY JON A; II AN SUCK. 97 
 
 of that kind of fun, and then he squat down on a section of wild 
 land, cogitating a way tu git a living without grubbing for it. 
 Arter a while he went round to all the places that had any peo 
 ple to brag on, and put up to the taverns, and told every body he 
 met there about the spot where his, land lay what capital land 
 it was what good water and alltired heavy timber. He sent 
 here tu York and got him a map all pictured out chuck full of 
 water privileges and all sorts of things, till he raly made the 
 people believe that he d found the very spot where the millinium 
 was a going tu begin ; a place where every holler tree was stuck 
 full of honey comb, where the wild cats went pouring about 
 like so many rabbit", and the hen hawks cum down as kind as 
 could be to tu help the hens feed their little chickens. 
 
 " Wai, it warn t long afore his soft sodder begun to work 
 among the greenhorns like yeast in a kneading trough full of 
 dough. Jonathan, if you ever see a flock of sheep shut up in a 
 paster, you know something worth while about human natur. 
 The miuit one takes it into his head to clear the stun wall for 
 another lot, the others all foller hilter skilter, as if the old Harry 
 had kicked them on eend. Your Cousin Jase knew a thing or two 
 about the natur of mankind he got the first sheep to make a jump, 
 and, hurra ! it warn t no time before his section was all cut up into 
 town lots, and grist mills whirling three stuns, wherever there 
 was a quart of water tu make them go ; and there was no eend 
 to the corduroy roads and log bridges, and great kivered wag 
 gons, chuck full of women and children and other housen stuff, 
 with baskets and bras kittles a hanging on behind, that trav 
 elled over them eenamost from one year tu another. When 
 folks began tu wonder what on arth heM du next, the critter got 
 his territory transmogrified into a State, and then he sot rail 
 roads a twistyfying every which way all through his lands ; and 
 that made things rise in value like a toad stool in a hot night. 
 
 u By the living hokey, the critter wasn t content with this, but 
 he got another kink into his head that did beat all. One way or 
 t other, I don t know how, he got all his land and railroads and 
 so on, worked up into pieces of paper that they call scrip ; he 
 juudled them all into his great coat pocket and come down to 
 f 
 
98 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 York again. And in less tlian no time he had the scrip all cut 
 up into these red-backed bills with picters on eni, that they offer 
 here in York for money then he sot up a bank on his own hook, 
 where he keeps a making money hand over fist. He has a good 
 chance, I tell you, for he owns all in the bank ; so he s President, 
 Cashier, and everything else, all himself, and arter all his lazi 
 ness, he s worth an allfired grist of money considering how he 
 got it." 
 
 I swanny, I couldn t hardly keep still while Captin Doolittle 
 was a talking. I felt all over in a twitter, and my mouth would 
 keep a sort of open with thinking so eager of what he was a 
 aaying. The minit he d done I jumped up and hollered right out 
 
 " Hurra," sez I, " if that aint Yankee all over. I haint the 
 least doubt now but the critter is jest what he says he is Slick 
 to the back bone. Do you s pose there is any animal on arth 
 besides a full-blooded Connecticut Yankee that would have gone 
 that way to get rich all soft sodder and no work ? I tell you 
 what it is, captin, I m raly proud tu own the critter. He s done 
 some good in his day and generation, if he is so stuck up ; for it 
 aint in the natnr of things for a feller to git rich himself without 
 making a good many others better off. To help himself a great 
 deal a chap must help others a little, that s my notion." 
 
 " Yes," sez the captin, " but it s an etarnal shame for these 
 chaps tu curl up their noses at honest men." 
 
 " Jest so," says I. 
 
 With that I put on my hat, and was jest a going to cut stick 
 but Captin Doolittle, sez he 
 
 ." Look a here, Jonathan, if I was you, I d make this chap pay 
 over a little of his chink, or else I wouldn t ride about with him 
 I wouldn t, by gracious ! He s tickled tu death tu get hold of 
 a chap like you to brag on ; for now that he s got rich, you haint 
 no idee how anxious he is to make people think he knows some 
 thing and always did. He talks about his aristocracy. The men 
 of genius and talons make the real aristocracy in this country, 
 and he s in hopes of getting among em by claiming relationship 
 with you because you write for the papers. Supposing you ask 
 nirn to lend you a couple of thousand dollars." 
 
BY JONATHAN- SLICK. 99 
 
 <4 No," sez I, " I ll be darned if I dii. If I can t cut my own 
 fodder I ll go hum iu^Iu." 
 
 44 Wai," sez the Captin, " inebby you can git him tu help you 
 print your letters in a book. Your par would be tickled tu 
 death if you could print a book like that Sam writ." 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, sort o proud, u there needn t be no hurry about 
 that are; but if I du print one, and it can t pay its own expenses 
 and a lee tie over, it may go tu grass !" 
 
 With that I bid Captin Doolittle good-bye, and made tracks 
 for my office agin. 
 
 LETTER X. 
 
 New- Years Calls A real Yankee s New- Year s Treat of Dough-nuts 
 and Cider Jonathan s ideas of the real difference between a real 
 lady s House and Furniture and the House of a stuck-up Parvenu 
 Jonathan s ideas of Love and Ladies. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 I made a leetle inquiry about how people did a New Year s 
 Day, and found out that it was the fashion for the wimmen tu 
 stand treat that day, to set out things, and invite everybody that 
 come tu take a bite. So arly in the morning I put a clean white 
 towel on the leetle table in my office. Then I went into the 
 cubby house room, where I keep my new clothes and kindling 
 wood, besides my tooth brush and sich things as I don t want to 
 use every day, and I drew a quart mug of that outrageous good 
 cider, that you sent me by Captin Doolittle. I guess I looked 
 like live when I went out agin, with the mug brimming over in 
 one hand, and the pillow-case stuffed full of dough-nuts, that 
 marm sent me t other day besides the hunk of cheese, and the 
 lot of baked sweet apples, tucked under t other arm. I heaped 
 up a pile of the dough-nuts on one corner of the table, and sot 
 the apple-box on the other, an made room for the cheese and the 
 cider in the middle ; and it raly made me feel sort of bad because 
 marm couldn t see how nice I d fixed it all. Think sez I, there 
 wont be many people in York that ll set a better treat afore their 
 
100 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 visiters than th.s I reckon, any how, and as marm aint here I ll 
 stand treat to every body that comes in for her sake. 
 
 "Wai, who should be the fust critter that come in but cousin 
 John Beebe, tu see what I was a going tu du with myself all day. 
 Arter I d sot him a chair by the stove, I went up to the table, 
 and sez I, 
 
 " Cousin John supposing we take a drink ; it s an allfired cold 
 day, and you look as if you couldn t stand it." My gracious, but 
 didn t his eyes snap when he saw what I d got. I mixed the 
 cider up, purty hot with ginger, and then I sot it on the stove, 
 and kept a stirring on it up with a little ivory thing that a purty 
 gal sent ine tu fold my letters with ; it begun to foam and sparkle 
 like anything; then I took a sip jest to try it, and handed the 
 mug over to cousin John. 
 
 " Here," sez I, " take a swaller ; it aint like the pesky stuff 
 you give me when I eat dinner up to your house. Iristid of 
 kicking up a dust in your upper story, it goes tu the right spot 
 tu once, and makes a feller feel prime all over in a giffy." I 
 ruther seem to think that cousin John warn t much afeard of the 
 mug anyhow ; he gave a sneezer of a pull tu it, and then his 
 eyes begun to glisten, and, sez he 
 
 " I m beat, Jonathan, if this aint prime ; where on arth did 
 you. find it ? I ve sarched from one eend of York tu t other for 
 it a dozen times, but never made out tu get a drop yit." With 
 that he sot into it agin like all natur. "I declare," sez he, agin, 
 choaking off long enough tu ketch his breath, u this does taste 
 nat ral." 
 
 " Aint it the rale critter?" sez I, a bending for ard and rubbing 
 both hands together a leetle easy. " It eenamost make me hum- 
 sick when I first tasted on it, it put me so in mind of Weathers- 
 field. Par sent me a whole cag on it, by Capt. Doolittle." 
 
 " Then it did come from the old humstid ?" sez he, a eying the 
 rnng agin " I must drink a leetle more, for the sake of them 
 that sent it." With that, he jest finished up the mug ; and when 
 he sot it down, he drew a long breath, and sez he agin, u that s 
 prime, Jonathan." 
 
 " Aint it," ^e/ I, starting off tu fill up the mug agin, for it 
 tickled me tu see how he took tu the drink, and how much he 
 
BY JONATHAN SI.I K. .*, " 101 
 
 made himself tn hum in my office. T^fien I cum out of the 
 leetle room agin, John lie looked sort of e?is;er" at t.: K Mi/g ( i\\\ 1 
 then at the eatables laid out so tempting. 
 
 U I declare," sez he, " I begin tu feel as I use tu when we were 
 boys, Jonathan." With that I sot the table between us, and the 
 way we laid into the provinder was a compliment to marm. 
 Arter cousin Beebe had eat ten of the doughnuts, and a hunk 
 of cheese as big as your fist, he stopt short, and sez he 
 
 " Cousin, this wont du ; if we keep on eating as much as we 
 want, we bhun t find room for all the eatables and drinkables that 
 the folks will give us to-day, when we make our calls." 
 
 " Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, kinder anxious, "you know 
 I m a sort of a greenhorn about New Year s, for we don t have 
 no sich things over amongst us. Supposing you jest tell me how 
 they act and so on. I don t want tu make a coot of myself; 
 and that pus.-ey cousin of mine is a corning tu take me round in 
 his carriage, where I suppose he means tu stick me up like a 
 swarry for folks tu look at ; and if I don t du everything accord 
 ing to gunter, he ll be turning red and fussing about like an old 
 hen that s got ducks for chickens. What on arth shall I say to 
 the gals, and what will they expect me to du ?" 
 
 Cousin Beebe he sot still aminit, kinder nibbling away at the 
 end of a dough-nut, for he seemed mortal loth to choke off, and 
 at last sez he 
 
 u When you corne tu a house where you want tu call, jest go 
 into the room where the ladies will be a waiting tu see folks, 
 and arter a while they ll ask you to take some refreshments : 
 with that they ll go up tu a table where there s wine and so on, 
 if they hain t tee total ists, and if they be " 
 
 " It don t make no odds tu tell me how they act," sez I, " for 
 I don t call on anybody that sets up to be wiser than our Savior ; 
 he turned water into wine, and when I set up tu be better than 
 him, I ll turn up my nose at it, but not afore. I wish you could 
 a heard par argufy that question with the ministers. I rather 
 guess " 
 
 Here cousin Beebe sot in, and sez he, " Well, jest fill up a 
 glass for the lady about half full, not a drop more, then pour out 
 a glass for yourself " 
 
102 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 "What," full?" sezi: 
 
 a Wai*," sez 1; " that seem s kinder hoggish tu give yourself 
 more than you du to the lady ; I don t seem tu like that." 
 
 " It s the fashion," sez he. 
 
 " Oh, is it ?" sez I ; " wal I think as like as not they know how 
 to help themselves arter a feller s gone. I always notice that the 
 gals that are so mighty stuck up as if they couldn t swaller any 
 thing hut air before folks, stuff like all natur back of the pantry 
 door." 
 
 John larfed a leetle as if he agreed with me, and sez he, 
 u Never mind that now, but when you ve poured out the wine, 
 jest step back and make a bow, and say, 4 The compliments of 
 the season, or any other interesting thing that you like. A 
 person of your genius should not be at a loss for pleasant say 
 ings and after that drink off the wine, take a leetle of anything 
 else that is on the table, and go away agin." 
 
 " Wal now," sez I, " I can remember what to say well 
 enough, though it does seem to me that there would be a leetle 
 too much soft sodder in the speech, if it warn t made to a lady ; 
 "but suppose you jest go over the manoeuvre about the wine, so 
 that I can git the kink on it, if you hain t no objection." 
 
 " Very well," sez he, " remember I m you, and you are the 
 lady." 
 
 " Jest so," sez I. 
 
 " Wal," sez he, a taking up the cider mug, u observe me." 
 With that he made a porlite bow, and give another allfired pull 
 at the drink. I see what the critter was at ; but think sez I, I 
 ruther think you ve Lad your share of the cider. With that, I 
 put out both hands a leetle easy, and took the mug from his 
 mouth. 
 
 " See if I hain t larnt it," sez I, as sober as a deacon ; and with 
 that I made him a low bow, and while I was a drinking off the 
 cider, I jest winked one eye over the top of the mug, tu let him 
 see that I was up tu a thing or two. The minit I pulled up, he 
 began tu laugh as good-natured as a kitten ; and arter I d got 
 my breath, I sot in, and we had a good liaw-hav right out in the 
 office. 
 
Br JONATHAN SLICK. 103 
 
 Arter we d both got sobered down, John he gave me an invite 
 to come up and see Mary, and then he cut stick tu go home and 
 fix for visiting. I hadn t but jest time to run out and git a piece 
 of Injun rubber to clean my yaller gloves with, and begin tu fix 
 up, when my pussey cousin come up the street, hurra boys, car- 
 riage and all, arter me. The tall chap let himself down from 
 behind the carriage, and knocked at the door. 
 
 u Come in," sez J, a poking round the office arter a piii tu stick 
 my shirt-color together, where the etarnal washerwoman had 
 washed the button off, consarn her! 
 
 The feller was dressed up like a Connecticut Major-General, 
 all in yaller and blue, as fine as a fiddle; he kinder grinned a 
 little when he see my table, and that I hadn t got my fix on yet ; 
 but when I looked in his face, he choked in, and, sez he, as hum 
 ble as could be 
 
 "Mr. Slick, my master is a waiting." 
 
 " Tell him not tu be in a pucker," sez I, " I ain t quite spruced 
 up yet." With that he went out I pitched on my clothes in 
 less than no time, stuffed a baked apple and a few dough-nuts 
 into my coat pocket, for fear of accident, and follered arter. 
 There he stood a holding open the glass door, and a set of little 
 steps, all carpeted off, hung down tu the ground ; and there was 
 the fat nigger a twistifying his whip-lash round the horses 1 
 heads, as crank as a white man. I jest had time tu see that Jase 
 had got his lions and roosters and crouchants pictered off on the 
 curtain that hung round his seat ; and then I jumped into the 
 carriage as spry as a cricket. The tall chap folded up the steps 
 as quick as inarin could undu a cat s cradle, and shet the door 
 tu, and away we went like a house a-fire. I swanny ! but these 
 coaches du go over the ground as slick as grease ; it seemed jest 
 like being bolstered up in a rocking-chair ! My pussey cousin 
 geerned tu swell up bigger and bigger every mi nit, when he seo 
 how surprised I was with the spring of it ; and, sez he 
 
 u Now, cousin, Fm going tu take you tu see somebody worth 
 knowing, and when they know that you re my relation, they ll 
 take a good deal of notice of you ; so jest put your best foot fore 
 most," 
 
 Think sez I, it s looky that I got cousin Beebe tu show 
 
104 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 it s done; but I kept a close lip and said nothing, for it was snap 
 ping cold, and a feller s words seemed as if they d turn tu ice, 
 before he spoke em. 
 
 The nigger driv like fire and smoke, and it didn t seem no 
 time afore we stopped by a great house clear up town, and the 
 tall shote opened the door and undid the steps again, as if he 
 expected us tu git out. 
 
 " This is my house," sez my pussey cousin, u you go in and 
 call on the ladies, and I ll dive round to one or two houses, and 
 take you with me again, by and by." 
 
 I got up sort of loth, for it seemed kinder awk ard to go in 
 alone ; but afore I had a chance to say so, the tall shote shet tu 
 the stairs, gin the door a slam, hopped up behind agin, and away 
 they went like a streak of lightmng. 
 
 I stood a minit, a looking about. It was cold enough to nip a 
 feller s ears off, so I jest tucked my hands into my pockets as 
 well as I could, and begun tu stomp my foot on the stun walk. 
 It raly was fun to see the streets chuck full of fellers running up 
 and down, hither and } on, as if the old Nick had kicked them 
 on eend. Every one on em was dressed up in his Sunday-go-to- 
 meeting clothes, and they all had their hair slicked down exactly 
 alike, and most on em looked more like gals in boys clothes than 
 anything else. Not the shadow of a petticoat could a feller see, 
 from one eend of York tu the other it seemed as if the hull city 
 had run tu boys for one day. The streets raly looked lonesome ; 
 for, arter all, it don t seem nat ral to go out and not see gals and 
 women a walking about with their purty faces and fine clothes. 
 A city without them, looks like a piece of thick woods without 
 any sweet, green under-brush and harnsome flowers. I don t 
 know exactly why, but when I go into a place where there s 
 nothing but men, it seems as if all the sunshine and posies of 
 human natur was shet out ; and as I stood there afore my pussey 
 cousin s house, it made me feel sort of melancholy not to see the 
 least glimpse of a red shawl or a furbelow nowhere about. 
 
 I believe arter all, that when a chap is a leetle scared about 
 doing a thing, the best way is tu pitch forward, hit or miss, 
 without thinking on it. So as soon as I d got a leetle grit raised, 
 1 up and pulled the door knob as savage as could be. It was an 
 
BY JONATHAN Sl.ICK. 10 = 
 
 allfired big chunk of silver though, and the piece spread out on 
 the door was as big as a dinner-plate, and there was u JASON 
 SLICK " cut out on it in all sorts of flourishes and curlecues. 
 Think sez I, my pussey cousin means to hang out a specie sign, 
 anyhow. I wonder he didn t have his rooster and lion and 
 crouchants pictered off in his door too. 
 
 Arter a minit a tall chap that looked like a twin tu the feller 
 that stood behind the carriage, all dressed out jest as he was, 
 too, like a major-gineral, stood a bowing and shuffling in the 
 hall, as if he wanted to larn me how to dance. The way he 
 sidled and bowed and spread out his hands as he opened the 
 parlor door for me, was enough to make a feller bust with larfin. 
 Wai, afore I knew which eend my head was on, there I stood in 
 the middle of a great long room, that was enough to dazzle a 
 feller s eyes for a month, eenajest to look at it. The settees were 
 all bright red, and glistened with thick velvet cushions. Great, 
 heavy, yaller curtains hitched up with spears and poles, made 
 out of gold, or something plaguey like it, hung over all the win 
 ders all furbelowed and tossled off with great, blue balls, mixed 
 up with red fringe. The carpet was the brightest and softest 
 thing I ever did see but it was enough tu make a feller stun 
 blind tu look at it, the figgers on it were so allfired gaudy. 
 Everything in the room was as costly and harnsome as could be ; 
 but somehow it seemed as if every individual thing had come 
 there on its own hook, and was so proud of itself that it 
 wouldn t agree with its neighbors. The chairs looked dread 
 fully out of sorts with the settees, and the great looking-glasses 
 made everything seem ten times more fiery and bright with 
 their glistening. The hull room seemed more like a garden 
 planted with poppies, sun-flowers, and marygolds, than anything 
 I could think on. There was a table sot out at one eend, jest 
 afore one of the looking-glasses, that made it seem as long aidn 
 as it raly was. It was all kivered over with silver baskets and 
 knives and forks, and glasses, and everything that could be 
 thought on tu eat and drink. At both eends were leetle meet 
 ing-houses with steeples tu them, all made out of sugar-candy, 
 and hull loaves of cake with flowers and birds a lying down on 
 top ot em ; besides some had leetle sugar lambs cuded up on 
 
106 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 em. as nat ral as life. I never did see a table so set off in my 
 born days ; it was a signi to look on. Cousin Beebe s warn t a 
 touch tu it; but somehow the things were all crowded on so, 
 and there was sich heaps of everything, that it didn t seem half 
 so genteel as Cousin Mary s did. It must have cost an allfired 
 swad of money, though. 
 
 I was so struck up with the room and the table, that it was 
 more than a minit afore I found out that there were any folks in 
 the premises ; but by-am-by I discovered a fat chunked woman 
 a sitting in a rocking chair all cushioned with red shiney velvet. 
 She sot close by the fire, but when I stepped back and put my 
 foot out to make a bow, she got up and made me a curchy 
 but sich a curchy I never did see it was about half-way 
 between the flutter of a hen and the swagger of a fat duck. It 
 was as much as I could du to keep from snorting right out to 
 see her ; but I choked in, and sez I, bowing again, " You see I 
 make myself tu hum, marm. Mr. Slick, my pussey cousin, out 
 there, wanted me to come and make you a New Year s call." 
 
 I wish you could a seen how the critter strutted up when I 
 said this ; but all tu once she seemed to guess who I was, for she 
 stuck her head a one side, and begun to smile and pucker up 
 her mouth like all uatur. Up she cum tu me with both hands 
 out, and sez she 
 
 " Cousin, I m delighted to see you. Mr. Slick was telling me 
 about you yesterday, and sez I, invite him by all means. It 
 ain t often we can make free with a relation, they are so apt to 
 presume upon it. Raly, some of Mr. Slick s family have been 
 very annoying, they have indeed ; they don t seein to under 
 stand our position ; but you, cousin, you that have so much mind, 
 can comprehend these things." 
 
 Afore I could get a chance to stick in a word edgeways, she 
 took my hand, yaller glove and all, between both her n, and led 
 me along to the fire. Arter I d sot down, she kept a fingering 
 over one of my hands as if it belonged to her. Think sez I, 
 what on arth can the old critter mean? Ill be darned, if she 
 was fifteen years younger, I should think she had such a notion 
 lo the family, that she wasn t particular how many on em she 
 made love tu. As soon as I could git her to give up my hand, 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. l07 
 
 he jest let her n drop on my knee as affectionate as a pussy cat, 
 ami sez she, a screwing up her mouth, and slicking her face close 
 up to mine 
 
 " Cousin, you can t think how delighted I was to read your 
 letters in the Express. I du like to see such upstarts as the 
 Beebe s taken off; only think of the idee of her giving parties, 
 and her husband not out of business yit ! When I read that let 
 ter, sez I to Mr. Slick, bring the young gentleman here, where 
 he can see something of real high life ; it would be a pity to 
 have him throw away his talons in describing such low affairs as 
 Mrs. Beebe s must be. " With that she looked round her blaz 
 ing room as proud as could be, as if she wanted me to give her 
 some soft sodder back agin ; but I felt sort of wrathy at what 
 she said about cousin, and I wouldn t take the hint ; but sez I, 
 " I beg pardon, marm, but Mr. Beebe is my friend and relation, 
 and a chap that ll set still and hear a friend run down, don t 
 deserve one, according to my notion ; as for cousin Mary " 
 
 " Oh," sez Mrs. Slick, a twisting round like an eel, " she is a 
 lovely woman, without any doubt. I sartinly should have called 
 on her long ago ; but then one has so many acquaintances of that 
 sort to remember, that really I have never found time." Think 
 sez I, if you wont call till Mary wants you, I don t think you ll 
 put yourself out in a hurry ; but I didn t say so, for jest that 
 minit she seemed to remember something, and she sung out, 
 Jemima, my dear." 
 
 With that the yaller curtains by one of the winders were 
 rustled and flirted out, and a young gal, tmcfied off to kill, come 
 from where she d been standing back on em to look at the fellers 
 as they went along the street. I ruther guess there was a flirting 
 of ribbon and a glistening of gold things when she made her ap 
 pearance. She came a hopping and a dancing across the room, 
 and when she come jest afore me, she stopped short and let off a 
 curchy that seemed more like one of her mother s run crazy, than 
 any thing I could think on. The old woman she spread out her 
 hands, and sez she, "Jemima, my dear, this is your cousin, Mr. 
 Slick, the gentleman whose letters you were so delighted with." 
 
 With that the queer critter gave me another curchy and 
 looked as if she 1 a been glad if she d known enough to say some- 
 
108 HIGH LIFE IN KJEW YORK. 
 
 thing; but the old woman sot in with a stream of talk about her 
 till any body on arth would have sot her down for an angel jest 
 oat of heaven, dressed up in pink satin and loaded off with gold, 
 if they d believed a word her mother said. Think sez I v myself, 
 as I stood a looking at the old woman and the gal, it s enough to 
 make a feller sick of life to see two such stuck up critters. The 
 gal s furbelows didn t look so bad considering she was so young, 
 yet it always seems to me as if heaps of jimcracks and finery 
 piled on to a young critter looked kinder unnat ral. Wimxnen 
 are a good deal like flowers to my notion, and the harnsomest 
 posies that grow in the woods never have but one color besides 
 their leaves. I ve seen gals in the country with nothing but pink 
 sun bonnets and calico frocks on, that looked as fresh and sweet 
 as full blown roses gals that could pull an even yoke with any 
 of your York tippies in the way of beauty, and arter all if I ever 
 get a wife I don t think I shall sarch for her among brick houses 
 and stun side-walks. 
 
 The old woman raly had made an etarnal coot of herself in the 
 way of fixing. She had on a lot of satin, and shiny thin stuff 
 twistified round her head kinder like a hornet s nest ; in front on 
 it, jest over the leetle curls all rolled and frizzled round her face, 
 a bird a rale ginuine bird, all feathered off as bright as a rain 
 bow was stuck with its bill down and its tail flourished up in 
 the air, as if it had jest lit to search for a place to build a nest in. 
 I never see one of the kind afore, for its tail looked like a hand 
 ful of corn-silk, it was so yaller and bright ; but, think sez I, it 
 must be some sort of a new-fashioned woodpecker, for it s the 
 natur of them birds always to light on any thing holler and if 
 he was once to get a going on that old woman s head, I ve an 
 idee there d be a drumming. She had a leetle short neck, all 
 hung round with chains, and capes, and lots of things besides, a 
 leelle watch, all sot over with shiny stuns, was hung to her side, 
 and her fat chunked fingers was kivered over with rings, that 
 looked like the spots on a toad s back more than any thing else. 
 She had a great wide ruffle round the bottom of her frock, like 
 the one cousin Mary had on at her party; but she warn t no 
 where nigh so tall as Mary, and it made her look like a bantum 
 hen feathered down to the claws. Wai, think sez I, if you 
 
BY JONATHAN Sf-IPR. 109 
 
 wouldn t make a comical figger-head for Captiii Dooliitle s sloop. 
 I wonder what your husband would ask for you, jest as you stand 
 hump, ruffles and all ? I shouldn t a taken so much notice of 
 her, if she hadn t let off such a shower of talk on me about her 
 darter; but when a woman begins to pester me by praising up 
 her family, I always make a pint of thinking of something else as 
 fast as I can. If you only bow a leetle, and throw in a "yes 
 marm, sartingly," and so on, once in a while, you re all right. A 
 woman will generally soft-sodder herself, if you let her alone 
 when she once gits a going, without putting you to the trouble 
 of doing it for her. 
 
 Arter she d talked herself out of breath, she went along up to 
 the table, and spreading her hands, sez she, " Take some refresh 
 ments, Mr. Slick?" 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I haint much hungry, but I do feel a leetle dry 
 so I don t care if I du." 
 
 I went up to the table, and took a survey of the decanters and 
 cider-bottles ; and arter a while, I made out to find one decanter 
 that looked as if it had something good in it, and poured about a 
 thimble full into two of the wine glasses, and filled up one for 
 myself. Mrs. Slick and her darter took up the glasses, and then 
 I stepped back and made a low bow, and sez I, " The compliments 
 of the season! or any other interesting thing that you like. A 
 
 person of your genius " Here I stuck fast, for somehow 1 
 
 forgot how cousin Beebe told me to top off in the speech. But 
 the old woman puckered up her mouth, and curchyed away as if 
 I d said it all out ; and the gal, she went over the same manoeu 
 vre, and laughed so silly, and put back her long curls with her 
 white gloves for she had gloves on though she was tu hum and 
 sez she, u 6>A, Mr. Slick," and then her marm chimed in, and sez 
 she, " Now that you ve mentioned genius, Mr. Slick, I do think 
 my Jemima has a talent for poetry." 
 
 Think sez I, it raly is surprising how much genius there is 
 buried up in these York brick houses. I hain t been to see a 
 family since I ve been down here that hadn t some darter that 
 could write so beautiful, only she was so proud and diffident and 
 modest, that she could not be coaxed to have any thing printed. 
 Thirk sez I, if that leetle stuck up varmint has took to poetry, 
 
110 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YO1JK. 
 
 there ll be a blaze in the newspaper world afore long. She s sar- 
 tin to set the North River on fire, if nobody else ever did. 
 
 I remembered what cousin Beebe told me about helping 
 myself to eatables, so I sot down by the table and hauled a plate 
 up to me, and begun to make myself to hum. There was no 
 eend to the sweet things that I piled up on my plate and begun 
 to store away with a silver knife and a spoon. Mrs. Slick, she 
 begun to fuss about, and offered to help me to this, that and 
 t other, till I should raly have thought she didn t care how much 
 I eat, if she hadn t contrived to tell me how much every thing 
 cost all the time. Jest as I was finis-hing off a plate of foreign 
 presarves, the door-bell rung, and in streaked five or six fellers, 
 dressed up tu kill. It raly made me eenamost snicker out to see 
 how slick and smooth every one of em had combed his hair 
 down each side of his face. They all looked as much alike as if 
 they d been kidney beans shelled out of the same pod. When 
 the old woman and the gal sot to wriggling their shoulders and 
 making curchies to them, I begun to think it was time for me to get 
 up and give them a chance. So I bolted the last spoonful of 
 presarves, and took out my red silk hankercher to wipe my 
 mouth. I thought it come out of my pockets purty hard, 
 so I gave it a twitch, and hurra ! out come three of the 
 doughnuts that I d tucked away to be ready in case of fodder s 
 getting scarce, and they went helter-skelter every which way all 
 over the carpet. At fust I felt sort of streaked, for the young 
 chaps begun to giggle, and Miss Jemima Slick she bust right out. 
 I looked at her, and then I looked at the fellers, and then, instead 
 of sneaking off, I bust right out, jest as if I didn t know how they 
 come there, and sez I, 
 
 "Did you ever!" 
 
 I didn t say another word, but jest made them a low bow all 
 round, and was a going out, but Mrs. Slick got hold of my arm, 
 and told me not tu seem to mind the doughnuts, and said, sort of 
 low, that she d tell the gentlemen that I was a relation of her n, 
 and that there warn t no danger of their poking fun at me about 
 it. Think sez I, I see how to get out of the scrape : she ll think 
 I m awful mean not to offer her some of the doughnuts, when I 
 had them in my pocket, so seeing it s new-year s day, I ll make 
 

 
 
 
 
 . 
 
 V < 
 
 : V *r*i- ~ 
 
 
 "So I bolted the last spoonful of pre*arve, ami took out my red silk haudkt-r- 
 cher to wipe my mouth I thought it come out of my pocket purty hard, -> I 
 s^ave it a twitch, and hurra! out come three of tin- d.)n^li-u\it> " Page 110. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. lit 
 
 her think I brought em tu make her a present on, for relation s 
 eake. I jest went back, and picked up the tarnal things, and 
 heaping them up in one hand, I made a smasher of a bow as I 
 held em out tu her, and, sez I 
 
 "I thought mebby you d like tu see how a prime Weathers- 
 field doughnut would taste agin; so I jest tucked a few one 
 side, tu bring up here; take em, you re as welcome as can be; 
 I ve got enough more tu hum." 
 
 She looked at the gentlemen, and then she turned red, as if 
 she didn t exactly know how tu take ine. 
 
 "Don t be afeard on em," sez I, " they re fust rate; chuck full 
 of lasses, and fried in hog s lard as white as snow." 
 
 With that she took them out of my hand and put them on the 
 table, and, sez she, a puckering up her mouth, "you men of 
 genius are so droll." 
 
 Think sez I, I ve made a good hit off this time, any how, so 
 I ll cut stick. I made another bow, and out I went, jest as the 
 chaps were all a bowing and saying, "the compliments of the 
 season," one arter another, like boys, in a spelling class. 
 
 I hadn t but jest got to the door, when my pussey cousin driv 
 up, so I got intu the carriage, and off we went, down Broadway, 
 at a smashing rate, till at last we stopped afore one of the neat 
 est-looking houses that I ve seen in York : it warn t crincklcd 
 and finefied off with wood-work and iron fences, but the hull was 
 solid stun. The steps were made of the same, with great stun 
 sides a rolling down from the door tu the side- walk. The door 
 was sunk clear intu the front ; there warn t no chunk of silver 
 in the middle, tu write the owner s name on ; so I s pose he 
 thought that every body ought to know where a rale fashion 
 able chap lives, without his hanging out a sign to tell folks. 
 Jason was jest a going tu give the knob a twitch, but he seemed 
 to remember, and, sez he, to the tall chap that had got down, 
 
 "Why don t you ring?" 
 
 With that the chap made a dive up the steps, and it warn t a 
 second afore the door swung open, and a nice old feller, dressed 
 ip as neat as a new pin, but without regimentals, stood inside. 
 Arter making a bow, he opened a mahogany door, and made a 
 little motion with Irs hand, as much as to say " walk in." 
 
112 HIGH LIFI-: IN* NEW VOIIK. 
 
 Jason lie kinder seemed loth to go in fust ; and arter all his 
 money, I couldn t help but think the old feller in the hall looked 
 as well and acted a good deal more like a rale gentleman, than 
 he did. There s nothing like being rich to git up a man s 
 pluck ; arter fidgeting with his watch-seals a minit, Jase stuck 
 up his head like a mud turtle in the sun, and in he went. I 
 follered arter as close as a bur tu a chestnut ; for in my hull life 
 I never felt so scared. 
 
 The house didn t seem like Miss Miles s nor Cousin Beebe s, nor 
 yet like my pussey cousin s. Coming from his house into that, 
 seemed like going out of a blustering wind into a calm snow 
 storm. Every thing was so slick and still, that it didn t seem 
 like anything else that I ever see. Cousin Slick went in fussing 
 along, and a tall harnsome lady got up from a chair, where she 
 sot by the fire, and cum towards us. Arter Jason had give her 
 a little information about the weather told her it was dreadful 
 cold, and so on, he stepped back, and spreading out his hands 
 sort of like his wife, sez he 
 
 " Mrs. , this is Mr. Jonathan Slick, a young relation of 
 
 mine." 
 
 I declare it made my heart beat to see how purtily she smiled 
 her cnrchy was as soft and easy as a bird she didn t wriggle 
 up her shoulders and stick out her feet as some of the rest of em 
 did, but jest seemed to droop down a little easy, and then she 
 asked us to sit down ; and in less than no time we felt as much 
 tu hum as if we d known her ever since she was a nurJng baby. 
 Instead of beginning to give me a lot of soft sodder, as some of 
 the other women did, she jest set in and began to talk about old 
 Connecticut, and sich things as she must a seen was likely to 
 tickle me like all natur, and her voice was so soft, and she kept a 
 smiling so, that I never felt so contented in my life as I did a 
 talking with her. 
 
 At last she began to ask Jason some questions about the Wes 
 tern country so I had a chance to look about me a leetle. In 
 stead of being dressed out like a tiling sot up for a show, she 
 hadn t nothing on but a harnsome silk frock, and a leetle nar 
 row velvet ribbon tied round her harnsome black hair, that was 
 brushed till it looked as Bright as a crow s back. I never did see 
 
HV JONATHAN Sl.K. K. 113 
 
 anything braided up so nice as it was behind. She hadn t on the 
 ieastist bit of gold nor furbelows of any kind, only jest a leetle 
 pin that glistened like a spark of fire, which pinned the velvet 
 ribbon jest over her white forehead. It raly beats me to make 
 out why I can t tell you what was in the room, jest as I du about 
 all the other places ; but somehow it aint easy to tell the differ 
 ence, for there was settees, and chairs, arid tables, and curtains, 
 and so on but yet it warn t a bit like any room I ever see 
 afore. There warn t no glistening and shining, and gold and 
 silver; but I couldn t get the notion out of my head that every 
 thing cost a good deal more than if there had been ever so much of 
 it. The room seemed made exactly for the things that were in 
 it, and there warn t a thing that didn t fit exactly into its place 
 like wax-work. There was one consarn that looked awful harn- 
 sorne, and it was rale ginuine too ; but at first I thought it was 
 some of these York make-believes. It was a slim green tree, 
 eenamost tall enough to reach my head, all blown out and kiv- 
 ered over with as much as twenty of the biggest and whitest 
 roses I ever did see. It was sot jest below the two winders, and 
 when the sun came kinder softly through the curtains down into 
 the white posies they seemed to sort o biush like a beach blow ; 
 yit they raly were as white, according to natur, as the cleanest 
 handful of snow you ever see. The tree grew out of a great 
 marble flower-pot, and when I asked its name of the lady, she 
 looked as bright and sweet as one of the flowers, and told me it 
 come from Japan, away east. There was some picters hung agin 
 the wall, that struck my eye so that I couldn t keep from look 
 ing at era. She see how I was took up, and sez she 
 
 "That s a beautiful picter, Mr. Slick, don t you think so? 
 There is something in Doughtie s picters that I love to look on ; 
 his grass and hillocks are so soft and green, he does excel every 
 American artist most certainly in his atmosphere." 
 
 " Wai, marm," sez I, " I aint no judge of picters, but sartinly, 
 to my notion that does outshine cousin Jason s lions and 
 roosters, and croushongs, all to nothing. It don t glisten so 
 much, but somehow them great trees du look so nat ral, and 
 them cows lying down under them so lazy ; it eenamost makes 
 me hum sick to go back to Weathersficld when I see it." Here 
 8 
 
114 HIGH LTFK IN NEW YOHA. 
 
 Jase trod on my toe with his consarned hard boot. "Wai, think 
 sez i, what have I said now ; and I looked right in the lady s 
 face to see if she d been a laughing ; but she looked so sweet and 
 uuconsarned as could be, and sez she, a getting up and going 
 across the room ; for Jase made a motion as if he was in a hurry, 
 sez she 
 
 "Let me help you to some cake and wine." 
 
 With that she went to a table that had some decanters and 
 wine-glasses on it, besides a loaf of cake as white as drifted 
 snow. I sniggers, but it did look as neat as a new pin. There 
 was a heap of rale flowers and leaves, jest picked from the bush, 
 fresh and fair, twisted round the edge of the cake, and a leetle 
 white sugar dove snuggled down in the middle. 
 
 Cousin Jase filled the glasses and he made a leetle speech 
 but somehow it didn t seem to me as if I could go to talking soft 
 sodder tu that harnsome critter she looked so sweet yet so 
 proud. All I did was jest to drink the wine, and then bend my 
 head kinder softly to try and match her curchy but if I didn t 
 wish her a happy New Year in my heart, I m a lying coot, that s 
 all. When we went away, she gave us an invite to come 
 agin, and she was mortal perlite to me. If I don t go, it ll be be 
 cause I m afeard, for I don t know when I ve taken such a shine 
 to anything that wears petticoats. 
 
 Jest as soon as I d got clear of the door, and Jase had bowed 
 and scraped himself out, we got into the carriage agin, and sez 
 lie T 
 
 " Wai, cousin, how do you like Mrs. ?" 
 
 "Like her!" sez I, "if I don t there s no snakes. She s none 
 of your stuck up, finefied, humbug critters, but a rale ginuine 
 lady, and no mistake." 
 
 " It s a pity she hasn t more taste and emulation to fix up her 
 house," sez he. " She raly don t know how to cut a dash, and 
 yet her husband is as rich as a Jew." 
 
 "Wai, raly, I don t know what to think of that," sez I. 
 " Somehow when I see everything in a room kinder shaded off, 
 one color into another that s eenamost like it, till the hull seemed 
 to be alike, jest as if, is in that lady s room, it seems to take my 
 notion amazingly. I can t tell you why, but it made me feel as 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 115 
 
 if the room had been made up into a big picter, and so it is in 
 part, and I begin to think that " 
 
 I was a going to say something allfired cutting about these 
 stuck up flashy houses and people that 1M seen here in York 
 when the carriage driv up to another door. In \ve went, eat and 
 drank, and then out agin ; and then it was riding from one house 
 to another, and eating and drinking till it got eenajest dark, 
 and I was clear tuckered out, besides beginning tu feel wamble- 
 cropped a leetle, with the heap of sweet things I d been eating 
 all day. 
 
 This New Year s day here in York is sartainly as good as a 
 show, such lots of gals as a feller sees, and such lots of good 
 living; but give me a Thanksgiving dinner yit afore a York New 
 Year s, a gook turkey with plenty of gravy and tatur. I 
 swanny, how I wish I d been a eatin them things instead of this 
 heap of tarnal cake and sugar things. I shan t feel right agin ID 
 a month, I m sure on it. 
 
 I guess you Weather.-field tee totalists would a stared some tu 
 see how the young chaps begun tu make fence along the stun 
 side-walks towards night; some on em were purty well over the 
 bay I can tell you. I went to see lots of women and gals, and 
 cousin Mary amongst the rest, and arter I got back to my office 
 I couldn t get one wink of sleep. My head was chuck full of 
 gals all night, such a whirring and burring as there was in my 
 upper story you never did know on, every time I shet my 
 eyes the office seemed chuck full of purty gals and feathers 
 and gold and decanters, cut glass, till it seemed as if I would go 
 crazy a thinking over all I d done ; but the last thing that got 
 into my brain jest afore I dropped to sleep, was the real lady 
 and my pussey cousin s stuck up wife. 
 
 Bnt I can t stop to write you on all my dreams that night. I 
 don t think doughnuts or sugar candies set well on the stomach, 
 and I don t think seeing so many gals sets well on my head. 
 There is a terrible all over-ish sort of a iW-lini: in a young feller 
 when he s been cruising among the gals ail day, and comes hum 
 and cuddles up in bed at night. When he gits one gal stuck fast 
 in his head and his heart, as I had Judy White, he s as qniet aa 
 a kitten, and his head s a sort a settled ; but arter he s been a 
 
110 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Coving over the world as I am a doing, his natur gits ruther rily, 
 and there s nothing that sticks in it except the dregs, the pur<j 
 essence sifting out all through. 
 
 Getting in love is somewhat like getting drunk, the more 
 feller loves the more he wants tu, and when the heart gits & 
 going, 2)itty pat, pitty pat, there is such a swell, that it busts 
 up all the strings, so that it can t hold the ginuine grit at all. 
 When Judy White fust took hold a my arm I give the coat sleeve 
 a rale hearty smack, where her hand had lain, and that coat I 
 raly did love better than any other I ever had on ; but I never 
 think the better of my yaller gloves for shaking the hands of all 
 the gals in York. I ve only got Miss Miles out of my head, to gii 
 a thousand new shinin faces in. Lord knows what^ll become of 
 me, Par, if I go on to be bedivilled arter the women, as I have 
 been this new year s day. When a feller is made any thing on by 
 em he must have been brought up under good preaching in 
 Weathersfield to stand it here in York. I feel as if I shouldn t 
 be good for much afore long, myself, the way I am going on, but 
 to skoot up and down Broadway like that ere Count, and to hang 
 round gals winders with fifes, and bassoons, and drums, and 
 gitars at night. 
 
 I can t look full into a purty gal s face all a flashing so, with 
 out being kind a dazzled and scorched. It warms me up in 
 this cold weather, and kindles such a touse in my heart, that the 
 blood runs through it as hot as if it had scooted through a steam 
 boat pipe. And then the allfired critters have so many sly ways 
 of coming over a feller, that I don t think much of a man who 
 can see their purty mouths tremble, and not feel his tremble tu. 
 If they sidle up, I can t help sidling too if I died ; and when 
 them black eyes fall flash on me, I wilt right down under 
 em as cut grass in Weathersfield on a hot summer day. It is 
 natur all this, and I can t help it no how. 
 
 But you know, Par, I was brought up under good preaching, 
 and 1 go now to Dr. Spring s meeting always as straight as 
 Sunday comes round, and twice a day. If wimmin do snarl 
 up a feller s heart strings, though, they keep him out of other 
 scrapes, anybody will tell you that. A man that is in love a 
 leetle is not always a running into rum-holes, and other such 
 
BY JONATHAN SI.ICK. 117 
 
 places. He don t go a gambling, and isn t a sneakin round 
 nights. 
 
 Love, according to my notion on it, is a good anchor for us on 
 this ere voyage of life ! it brings us up so all a standing when 
 we put on too much sail. It puts mo in mind, now I think on 
 it, of our cruise through Hell Gate in Captin Doolittle s sloop; 
 for jest as the tide and the wind was a carrying us on the rocks, 
 \ve dropt anchor and kept off. I look on the uses of women 
 purty much as I look on the freshet that in the spring brings 
 down the Connecticut the rale rich soil for the meadows in 
 Weathersfield. They make a great deal of splutter and fuss in 
 their spring-time^ with their rustles and their ribbons, and their 
 fooleries, I know ; but when they light on a feller for good, they 
 are the rale onion patches of his existence. Put us together, 
 and the soil will grow anything ; but keep us apart, and we are 
 his thistles and nettles. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XI. 
 
 Visit to the Park Theatre First Impressions of the Poetry of Motion, 
 as written on the air, in the aerial feats of Mademoiselle Celeste 
 First shock at the exhibition, of a Ballet Costume accompanied by 
 the " twinkles" of Celeste s feet with her pigeon wings, double- 
 shuffles, gallopades, and pirouettes. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 I ve been a trying tu git time tu write you a letter this ever so 
 long; but somehow IVe lu* I so many parties tu go tu, besides 
 sleigh-rides, balls, and so on, that I haint known which eend my 
 head is on more than half the time. Besides all that, I ve felt 
 kinder loth tu write you, for I aint jest sartin that you and inarm 
 won t be in a pucker about what I ve been a doing since I writ 
 tu you before. But I ve got my pluck a stirring jest now; so 
 I m detarmined tu up and tell you all right out, jest as it is for 
 arter all, a feller must be a consarned coward that ll do a thing, 
 right or wrong, and then back out from owning on it. 
 
118 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Wai, t other night Mr. Beebe he cum up tu my office about 
 sundown, and sez he, " Cousin Slick, supposing we go tu the 
 Park Theatre to-night, and see Madame Celeste dance." 
 
 My heart riz right up into my throat as he said this, for the 
 very idee of going tu the Theatre set m,e all over in a twitter. 
 Ever since I cum down here tu York, I ve had an etarnal hank 
 ering tu go and see some of their plays ; but I tried all I could 
 tu pacify myself, and thought over more than forty times all the 
 preachings you used to make agin them how you used tu say 
 they were filled with sinful devices and picters of the devil s own 
 painting, and that they warn t nothing more nor less than scraps 
 of the infarnal regions sot up here on arth tu delude away poor 
 mortals. 
 
 I Avanted tu go awfully, but insted of giving in tu cousin John 
 when he fust come, I jest sot too and let off one of your preach 
 ments to him ; he didn t seem to mind it a mite, but, sez he, 
 " Cousin, would you think it right if a feller was tu cum out like 
 all blazes agin one of your letters in the Express, if he hadn t 
 read em?" 
 
 V I should like to ketch a feller at it I should," sez 1. 
 
 "Wai," sez he, "du you think it fair tu run out agin the 
 Theatres till you ve seen something on em ?" 
 
 " Wai," sez I, "I don t know as it is; but haint my par an old 
 man as well as deacon of the church, and hadn t he ought tu 
 know? What s the use of a man s experience, if his children 
 won t profit by it, as long as he can t turn about and live his life 
 over agin ?" 
 
 " That s true," sez cousin John ; " but are you sartin that your 
 father was ever at a play in his life ?" 
 
 "What, my par at the Theatre!" sez T, a holding up both 
 hands, " Mr. Zephaniah Slick, Esquire, Justice of the Pence and 
 Deacon of the Church, at the Theatre! Look a here, cousin 
 John, why don t you ask if he ever plays all fours, or I had as 
 many wives as the stars in the skies, he d be about as likely tu 
 du one as t other." 
 
 " Wai," sez John, sort of parsevering, " how can he judge 
 about them sort of things without he s seen em? Come, come, 
 jest put on your fix and let s go down." 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 119 
 
 So with that he come his soft sodder so strong that I couldn t 
 hold out no longer, so I jest giv up, and we started off ; but my 
 heart felt sort of queer all the way, for I couldn t keep from 
 thinking how you and marm would feel when you found out 
 where I d been tu. I don t think there s anything very scrump 
 tious about the outside of the Theatre anyhow. Think sez I, as 
 I looked up tu it, if this is raly a temple of Old Nick, he haint 
 put himself out much tu finefy it off. A good many of the 
 meeting-houses here in York go ahead of this all tu nothing. It 
 looks more like a town hall or a tavern than any thing else that 
 I can think on. 
 
 When we got into the entry-way, cousin Beebe he took out a 
 dollar bill, and went up tu a little hole cut out in the wall, and 
 stuck in his hand, and sez he, " A ticket." 
 
 Think sez I, wal, if this don t beat all ! They raly du mean tu 
 carry on all kinds of develtry; who d a thought of finding one 
 of these darnation lottery offices here. 
 
 " You wont want a ticket," sez cousin John. 
 
 " No," sez I, " I guess I don t ; if there s any thing on arth 
 that makes my blood bile, it s gambling. I was a going oil tu 
 give him a piece of my mind, but jest then he pushed a door 
 open, all kivered over with green flannel, and give his paper tu a 
 tall man that stood there, looking as solemn as an owl in a 
 storm ; and, sez he, a pinting tu me, this gentleman belongs tu 
 the press. The feller looked at me as sharp as a needle, and he 
 begun tu fumble over a paper, as if he didn t know exactly what 
 he wanted; but at last he held out his hand, and said it was 
 custom for the press to leave cards at the door. I never was so 
 struck up in my whole born days. Think sez I, wal, if this don t 
 beat all natur ; they think because a feller is green enough tu go 
 tu the Theatre that he must play cards, and every thing else that s 
 bad. I shouldn t wonder, sez I tu myself, if he wants me tu begin 
 and cuss and swear next. I looked him right in his eyes, and put 
 my hands down in my pockets allfired hard, and, sez I 
 
 " Look a here, you sir, I ain t no gambler none of your foreign 
 chaps, that git their living by playing card?. You must be soft 
 in the upper story if you don t see that the first giffy. You 
 don t see no hair on my upper lip. I doa t carry a cano with a 
 
120 HIGH LIFE IX NEW .YORK. 
 
 bagonet in it, nor wear checkered trousers, so you needn t ask 
 me to give you any cards, I haint touched one of the pesky 
 things since marm broke the tin dipper over my head for singing 
 out, high, low, Jack and the game, by gauley, one day when I 
 and another little shaver got hid away in the corn-house a play 
 ing all fours." 
 
 The feller opened his eyes a few when I said this, but three or 
 four finefied young fellers, with white gloves on, and little canes 
 in their hand, come to the door, and stood a grinning at me like 
 so many hungry monkeys. Cousin John spoke sort of low, and 
 sez he, 
 
 " It is your name the man wants. If you haven t any cards, 
 write it out on a piece of paper." 
 
 With that the man handed over a piece of paper, and cousin 
 Beebe give me his gold pencil. 
 
 Think sez I, " If they will have my name, I ll give em a 
 smasher," so I flourished the "J" off with an allfired long tail, 
 and curlecued the " S" up till it looked like a black snake in the 
 sun. I ruther seem to think the feller stared a few when he saw 
 the name. The grinning chaps cum and looked at it, but made 
 themselves scarce in less than no time arter they had made it 
 out, and the tall chap, he bowed close down to the floor, and sez 
 he 
 
 " Walk in, Mr. Slick, Mr. Simpson put your name on the free 
 list ever so long figo." 
 
 I was going to ask him to tell Mr. Simpson that I was very 
 much obligated, though I hadn t the least idea what he meant by 
 his free list, but that minit there was such a smashing of fiddles 
 and drums and toot-horns inside that I eenamost jumped out of 
 my skin. It seemed as if a dozen training bands had all been set 
 a coing tu once. 
 
 Cousin John he took hold of my arm, and hauled me along 
 through a little door into a great big room built off more like & 
 meeting-house than anything else and yet it wasn t like that 
 neither. It was shaped kinder like a horse shoe, the floor was 
 chuck full of benches, kivered over with red cushions, and there 
 was four galleries all pillared off and painted, and set off with 
 gold and great blazing glass things that made every thing look 
 
BY JONATHAN* SLICK. 121 
 
 us bright as day. In the second gallery there were five or six 
 pens all boarded off from the rest, with lots of gold picters all 
 round them, and hung over with silk curtains, till they looked 
 more like the berths on board a steamboat than any thing I could 
 tnink on. These places were chuck full of allfired harnsome gals 
 and spruce looking fellers, that were dressed off to kill, and 
 talked and laughed as chipper as could be. The ruff was an etar- 
 nal way up from the floor; it rounded up, and was crinkle- 
 crankled off with gold and picters till it looked like the West jest 
 afire sundown, when the red and yaller and purple lie in heaps 
 and ridges all over the sky. 
 
 Think sez I, if that s what par means by a device of the devil, 
 Old Nick is no slouch at putting the shine on the rult of hia 
 house, anyhow. 
 
 We sot down on one of the red benches in the lowest gallery, 
 and I got a leetle over the twitter that I was in at fust, and jest 
 made up my mind to look amongst the folks to see what was 
 going on. 
 
 It warn t a mite of wonder that the musicianers made me 
 jump so when I was in the entry way, for clear on t other eend of 
 the room was a long pen chuck full and running over with fid 
 dlers, base drums, and great brass horns, all pulling and blowing 
 and thumping away like all natur; didn t they send out the 
 music ! never on arth did I hear any thing like it ! It made me 
 choke and sigh and ketch my breath like a dying hen ; and all I 
 could du, ray feet would keep going over the steps, and my yaller 
 gloves seemed as if they never would git still agin, they kept so 
 btny a beating time on the leg of my new trousers. Jest over 
 the pen where the fiddlers sot, hung a great picter as big as the 
 side of a house. I thought of what you said about theatres being 
 filled with picters of the devil s own painting ; but I couldn t 
 make up my mind that that was one on em, for it was so green 
 and cold, and a pale man, pictered out on a heap of stuns in the 
 middle on it, looked as shivery as if he d had a fit of the fever 
 and ague besides there was water painted out, and every body 
 knows that Old Scratch aint tee-total enough to paint a picter 
 chuck full of clouds and water and sich like, without one spark 
 of fire to make him feel to hum in his own premises. 
 
122 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 By-am-by sich sights of the people, all dressed off a* if they were 
 a going to a general training ball, kept a pouring in through the 
 leetle doors in the galleries till the seats were all chuck full ; such 
 a glistening of harnsome eyes and feathers, and flowers, I never 
 did see. A purty leetle gal cum and sot close down by me, and 
 now and then I took a slanting squint at her ; by hokey, she was 
 a slick leetle critter, with the consarnedest soft eyes I ever looked 
 into. 
 
 I wonder what on arth is the reason that I can t sit down by 
 a harnsome gal, but my heart will begin to flounder about like a 
 fish jest arter he s hooked. Think, sez I, if there s any dancing 
 a going on to-night, darn me if I don t shin up to that gal for a 
 partner. But, where on arth the folks were a going tu find a 
 place to dance in I couldn t make out, for in the hull building 
 there warn t room enough tu hang up a flax-seed edgeways. 
 
 I was jest a going tu ask cousin John about it, when the fiddles 
 pulled up a ininit, and all tu once that great picter give a twitch, 
 and up it went like a streak of chalk, into the ruff, or the Lord 
 knows where. I jumped right on eend, I was so struck with 
 what I see. 
 
 Clear back where the curtain had been was a purty little gar 
 den, as nat ral as one of our onion patches. It was chuck full of 
 frees and flowers, and a snug leetle house stood on one side; 
 dear back, jest under the edge of the sky, lay the soft water, 
 looking as blue and still as could be. What to make on it I 
 couldn t tell; it warn t like a picter, and yet I couldn t think 
 how on arth there could be room enough tu have sich a place 
 near the theatre. While I sot there a bending for ard with one 
 of my yaller gloves pressed down on each knee, and staring like 
 a stuck pig with my mouth a leetle open, a lot of folks dressed 
 off in short jackets and trousers cut off at the knees, come a 
 dancing out of the house, and begun tu talk all at once, and 
 chatter and laugh together as chipper as a flock of birds. They 
 seemed as happy as clams in high water ; and the fellers skipped 
 and hung round the ga-ls like good fellers. 
 
 But the gals were dressed out too bad. I ll be darned if some 
 of em didn t make me feel streaked, their frocks were PO short. 
 They didn t seem tu make no bones of showing their legs halt- 
 
BY JON A MI AN SI.IOK. 123 
 
 way tfl their knees. I swanny if I wasn t ashamed of the purty 
 <gal that sot by me. Think sez 1, ii she don t blusli and feel all 
 overish I m mistaken. Arter a while, I give IKT a slantidicular 
 squint, but she sot as still as a kitten, and looking as if bntter 
 wouldn t melt in her mouth, but was a staring right straight at 
 the garden without seeming to rnind the gals legs a bit more 
 than if they had been so many broom sticks. 
 
 It warn t a great while afore I didn t seem to mind it mucli 
 either, for a little old comical looking chap come out in front of 
 the garden, and begun to chatter and larf, and fling his arms 
 about every which way, and to tell about some young gal that 
 was a going to be married. Madeline, he called her. 
 
 Wai, while he was a talking, a feller, all in red regimentals, 
 come round the hotise, as big as my pussey cousin, with a set of 
 letters in his hand, and blowing a tin toot-horn, as if he wanted 
 us all tu come tu dinner. He turned to be a sort of post-rider, 
 with letters ; he give one to the funny old chap that owned tho 
 house, but it only had another letter in it, and that was for the 
 gal that was a going tu be married. 
 
 I begun to feel awful curious tu see that gal, arter hearing 
 them talk about her so much ; but the post-office feller cut up 
 his shines, and ordered the folks about as obstroperous as my 
 pussey cousin ; a prime chap he was and I took a sort of a 
 notion to him, he acted ont so slick. 
 
 By-am-by in come the purtyest looking critter that ever I did 
 see ; she walked and sidled through the garden like a bird among 
 the green trees, and her voice sounded so funny when she spoke; 
 she kinder cut her words off, and lisped em out so sweet, that 
 every word sounded chuck full of honey. I swan it made my 
 heart rise right up in my mouth every time she spoke. She had 
 tarnal harnsome eyes, as bright as the biggest star in the gill- 
 dipper, and I could almost tell what she was a saying by the cut 
 of her face; 1 never did see a critter look so happy. She had 
 the cunningest leetle white hut that I ever did see, stuck on one 
 Bide of her head, with blue ribbons streaming from it over her 
 honlders ; on t other side her long shiny curls hung down on her 
 shoulders, and a harnsorne white rose wa stuck in them back of her 
 ear; but it didn t seem much whiter than her forehead and neck, 
 
124 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 for they were as white as the froth on a pail of new milk afore 
 it is strained. She had on a blue silk frock, cut off a leetle too 
 short at the bottom, for my notion, and her cunning leetle feet 
 raly cut about in them new shoes a leetle too spry ; I never did 
 see anything so subtle as she was in my life. 
 
 The minit she came into the garden, all the folks in the gal 
 leries, and on the seats below, begun to stomp, and yell, and hol 
 ler, till I was afeard that I made a mistake, and got into a political 
 meeting agin. She began to curchy, and lay her hand on her 
 bosom, and curchy agin, all the while a looking so sweet and 
 mealy-mouthed that I wanted to eat her hull, I swow I did. 
 Arter a while they begun to get tired of making sich etarnal 
 coots of themselves, and then she begun to go round among the 
 folks in the garden, and give them presents, because she was a 
 going to git married hi the morning, tu a rich gentleman that 
 lived close by. 
 
 All tu once the comical old chap called "Madeline!" and 
 give her the letter the post-rider had brought for her. 
 
 Arter she d gone into the house, he begun to tell the folks all 
 about her how she was a poor leetle French gal that he d 
 undertook tu biing up and keep out of harm, when everybody 
 in her country was afeard of their lives and how she d got a 
 brother yet in France, whose life wouldn t be worth four-pence- 
 nalf-penny if he should once set foot over in England; for they 
 made believe that all this garden and things was a going on in 
 England. 
 
 "Wai, arter they d all gone in, out come Madeline agin with the 
 letter in her hand. I swanny, but I couldn t help but feel for 
 the poor critter. She looked as if she d been crying her eyes 
 out, but she kept a kissing the letter and reading it sort of load, 
 and a crying all the time, so that we all found out it come from 
 her brother, and that he was a coming tu take her away with 
 him in the morning; and it seemed to make her feel bad 
 because he didn t know that she was a going to be married then. 
 When she d read her letter through, she went into the house 
 agin, looking as peaked and wamble-cropped as a sick lamb. 
 
 When the picter was rolled up agin, the garden was all gone, 
 and there sot the purty leetle Madeline in a room with a chest 
 
BY JONATHAN fcLICK. 125 
 
 open by her filled with wiinmen s clothing, and there was a rale 
 harm;oine young feller a standing by her that she seemed so 
 fond of, and that she called her brother. 
 
 While they were talking together, and afore she had time to 
 tell him she was a going to be married, there was aa allured 
 noise outside of the door, and you never see a cat jump up 
 spryer than she did. She turned as white as a sheet, and wrung 
 her leetle hands, and seemed more than half crazy, for she said 
 the officers had cum arter her brother to hang him for a spy. 
 She hugged him one minit, and then she d wring her hands, and 
 look round so anxious for some place to hide him in. At last she 
 run to the chest, pulled all the clothes out on it, and made him 
 git in there she put them all back agin, and kivered it over 
 with a great red shawl. She hadn t but jest sot down and took 
 up her sewing work, when a great etarnal coot of a feller, that 
 made my blood bile every time I looked at him, cum into the 
 room along with another feller, and begun to sarch arter the 
 poor young chap that she d hid away. 
 
 We could see that the poor gal was eenamost scared out of 
 her senses, for she turned as white as a ghost but she cocked 
 one foot over t other, and went on a sewing as fast as could be. 
 1 swanny, it made me wrathy tu hear the varmint how he run 
 on agin the poor gal. I never did see sich wicked eyes as hisen 
 were in my life, nor sich a ragged drunken looking shark ; it 
 made my grit rise every time he looked towards that sweet 
 gal. 
 
 The officer couldn t find nobody, and wanted to go hum, but 
 the tall shack went up to the chest, and begun to poke about 
 among the clothes, and asked what she d got there. She looked 
 as if she would go off the handle at that ; but she didn t give 
 up. Arter a minit she jumped up and took up a gown nn.l 
 showed it to the officer, and then she took up a shawl and told 
 him it was her wedding shawl, and she began to run on and 
 smile, and talk so coaxing, and spread out the shawl all the 
 time, till the young feller in the chest crept out and got into 
 another room, while she held the shawl afore him. They went 
 off grumbling, and con.sarnedly wamble-cropped, for a reward 
 Lad been offered for the purty French gal s brother, and tho 
 
126 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 etarnal scamp meant tu git his revenge on her and money tu 
 boot. 
 
 I was a looking steady into the room, when all tu once it slid 
 away, and there was the garden agin, and the outside of the 
 house, and it was dark as midnight among the bushes. By-am 
 by out came the ragged scamp and stood jest under the poor 
 French gal s winder, to see what was a going on, and while he 
 was there, the good-hearted chap, that she was a going tu be 
 married tu, came along tu look at her winder, as fellers will 
 when they are over head and ears in luv. 
 
 Then the French gal cum to the winder, and the young feller that 
 she d been a hiding away, jumped out, and she put his cloak on and 
 hugged him as if her heart was eenamost ready to bust. When 
 she see her brother clear off she went back tu bed, but the squire 
 and the ragged scamp had seen her, and sioh a row as it kicked 
 up never was heard on afore. 
 
 In a little while there was sich a hubbub in the garden ; all 
 the wimmen that she d gin presents tu, got together, and begun 
 to run out agin her, and saying that they always thought she 
 was no better than she ought tu be. The squire said lie wouldn t 
 marry her, and the tarnal old man turned her out of doors. 
 
 I thought I shouUl a boo-hooed right out, when I see her cum 
 out of the door with a bundle in her hand, a crying as if she 
 hadn t a friend on arth. She was a going away so slow and sor 
 rowful, when the squire cum up and offered her some money, for 
 he seemed tu fe<4 sorry for her, though he thought she d been a 
 cheating him. 
 
 She looked at him so still, and yit so proud, as if her heart 
 was brim full of grief, but she wouldn t take his money. A 
 last he told her that the man she d had was took prisoner. Oh. 
 how she did take on then ! She wrung her hands, and sobbed, 
 and cried enough tu make one feel wamble-cropped to see her, 
 and she said now that her character was gone and her brother 
 taken, that she wanted to die. 
 
 The squire felt dreadfully when he found out that the man was 
 her brother. So he made up with her, and she got on tu a horse 
 and rode off full chisel tu get her brother s pardon. 
 
 "8y-am-by she got back with the pardon for her brother, and 
 
ur JOXA.IIXN si. i .MC. 127 
 
 there was snch crying and kissing and shaking hands, as you 
 never heard on. I bellered right out a crying, I was so alliired 
 glad tti see the poor gal happy once more. 
 
 Wai, by-am-by, a bell tinkled ; the picter rolled up agin and 
 the tiddlers begun to put on elbow grease till the music came 
 out slick enough. Instead of the garden there was a long ball 
 room with rows of great shiney pillars running all through it. 
 It was as light as day, for there seemed to be candles out of sight 
 among the pillars, besides a row of lamps that stood along the 
 pen where the intisicmners sot. I was staring with all the eyes I 
 had in my head, when the harnsomest critter I ever sot eyes < n 
 cum Hying into the middle of the room, and there she stood on 
 one foot with her arms held out and her face turned towards us, 
 looking as bold, and smiling as soft as if she d never done noth 
 ing else all her life. I was so scared when she fust sprung in, 
 that I raly didn t know which een my head was on. The darned 
 critter was more than half naked she was, by golley ! To save 
 my life I couldn t look at her right straight with that blue-eyed 
 gal a setting close by me. At fust I was so struck up that I 
 couldn t see nothing but an allnred harnsome face a smiling from 
 under a wreath of flowers, "and naked legs and arms and neck, a 
 flying round like a live wind-mill. I thought I should go off the 
 handle at fust I felt sort of dizzy, and as if I was blushing all 
 over. I don t think I ever was in such an etarnal twitter in rny 
 hull life. I partly got up tu go out, and then I sot down agin as 
 streaked as lean pork, and kivered my face with my yaller 
 gloves, but somehow I couldn t hold my hands still all I could 
 du the fingers would git apart, so that I couldn t help but look 
 through them at that plaguey, darned harnsome, undecent crit 
 ter, as she jumped and whirled and stretched her naked arms 
 out toward us, and stood a smiling and coaxing and looking tu the 
 fellers. It was enough to make a feller cuss his mother because 
 she was a woman ; but I ll be d;rned if there ever was a feller oa 
 arth that could help looking at the critter. 
 
 I ve seen a bird charmed by a black snake, but it was nothing 
 tu this not a priming. One minute she d kinder flutter round the 
 room softly and still like a bird that s jest beginning tu fly. then 
 she d stand on one foot and twinkle t other out and in against 
 
123 Hir.u LIKE ix NEW YORK. 
 
 the ankle so swift you couldn t bat jest seaiit. Then she d hop 
 tbr ard and twist her arms up on her bosom, and stick one leg 
 out behind her, and stand on one toe for ever so long, till all on 
 us had had a fair sight on her that way. Then she d take 
 another hop and pint her right toe forward, and lift it higher, 
 till by-am-by round she d go like a top, with her leg stuck out 
 straight and whirling round and round like the spoke of a bro 
 ken waggin with a foot tu it. It raly did beat all that I ever did 
 see. When she stood up straight, her white frock was all 
 sprigged off with silver, and it looked like a cloud of snow, but 
 it didn t reach half way down tu her knees, and stuck out dread 
 fully behind. I hadn t dared to unkiver my face yet, and was 
 sort of trembling all over in a dreadful pucker, wondering what 
 on arth she meant tu do next, when she give a whirl, kissed her 
 hand, and hopped away as spry as a cricket, jest as she came in. 
 
 I swan, if I didn t think I never should breathe straight agin ; 
 I raly wouldn t a looked in that purty blue-eyed gal s face for 
 anything ; but somehow I happened tu squint that way, for I felt 
 kinder anxious tu see how red a gal could blush, and there she 
 sot a smiling and a looking as she raly liked the fun. She was 
 whispering to a young feller that sot t other side, and sez she 
 
 " Aint it beautiful ! Oh ! I hope they ll call her back !" 
 
 " She will come, I dare say," sez the feller a larfin, and begin 
 ning to stomp and clap hands with the rest on em that were a 
 yelling and hooting like all possessed. " Celeste treats the Ame 
 ricans very much as a lover does his lady." 
 
 "How so?" sez the gal, looking sort of puzzled. 
 
 "Why, she can t leave them without coming back again ana 
 again to take farewell I " sez he, a larfin ; " but here she 
 comes!" 
 
 True as a book, there she did cum, and begun tu sidle and 
 whirl, and cut up her crancums all over agin. By leetle and 
 leetle I let my hands slide down from my face, and when she 
 give her prime whirl and stuck out her toe the last time, I sot a 
 staring right straight at her, so astonished I couldn t set still, 
 for as true as you live, the nice, leetle French gal that was so 
 sweet and modest, and the bold, beautiful critter with her foot 
 out, her arms a wavering around her head, and her mouth jest 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 129 
 
 open enough tu show her teeth, was the same individual critter, 
 and both on em were Madame Celeste. 
 
 I went hum. But I ll be choked if them legs and arms, and 
 that frock with the flowers over it didn t whirl round in my 
 head all night, and they ain t fairly out yit. 
 Your lovinar son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XII. 
 
 Jonathan receives an Invitation to a Fancy Ball Dilemma about 
 the Dress Choice of a Character, &c. 
 
 DEAE PAR: 
 
 I du think this ere trade of writing is about the darndest 
 bisness that a feller ever took to. The minit a man begins tu 
 git his name up here in York, the way the gals du haul him 
 over the coals is a sin to Crocket, as they say down here. They 
 talk about the Yankees having a nack of cheating people out of 
 their eye teeth. By gracious! if the York folks don t know 
 how to hold up ther end of the yoke at that trade, I m a coot, 
 that s all. They may take my grinders and welcome, but I ll be 
 durn d if I give ap my Christian name, without making an 
 all-fired rumpus about it. I can t go down Cherry-street now 
 without somebody s stopping me to find out who writes my 
 letters, jest as if I didn t write em myself. Some on em seem 
 to think it s a Portland chap, an allfired smart critter, that come 
 from down East, and that s been a writing a capital history of 
 the war down on the territory that haint got no boundary; and 
 people keep a coming to the Express office every once in a 
 while, to find out if Major Jack Downing don t write em and 
 sign my name. I should like to ketch him at it oncel Let him 
 or any other chap put my name to any thing that I don t write, 
 and if I don t lick him within an inch of his life, then he may 
 etcal my name and welcome. 
 
 Now, jest to git the York people out of the etarnal twitter 
 9 
 
130 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 that they re in to find out who writes my letters, I ve made up 
 my mind to tell em here, in one of my letters; and if I don t 
 tell em the truth, I hope I may be hung and choked to death, 
 so there! 
 
 In the first place, I aint intimate with Major Jack Downing, 
 and never sot eyes on him in my life, till t other night at " the 
 Grand Fancy Ball," as they call it. He s a smart chap, but I ll 
 be darned if he ever writ a word of one of my letters in his life, 
 und more than all that, he don t know me from Adam ; no 
 more does the Portland chap, or any of the rest on em, and I 
 du think it s allfired hard, if I can t have the credit of writing 
 letters on my own hook, and nobody s else. Now these two 
 chaps are prime fellers, and old hands at the bisness; but I 
 never tried my hand at writing a letter in my hull life, till I 
 sent the fust one to the Express and that I put my name tu as 
 large as life. Neither the Portland Major Jack Downing, nor 
 the New York Major Jack Downing, nor our Sam, nor nobody 
 else, has a finger in my dish ; but all the letters that has my 
 name and picter to em are writ by me. 
 
 MR. JONATHAN SLICK, ESQ. 
 
 OHEREY STEEET. 
 
 That s my card ! as they say at the theatre, and now I hope 
 the Yorkers wont pester me any more, to know who I am. 
 
 Arter going to the Park Theatre t other night, I begun to 
 feel sort of dissatisfied with the carryings on In this place, and I 
 eenamost made up my mind to come back to Weathersfield and 
 stick to the old business for life. Somehow I couldn t git them 
 naked legs and arms, and so on, of Marm-sel Celeste out of my 
 head, and I couldn t help feeling awful streaked when I 
 thought of them in the day-light. Sich sights aint fit for any 
 thing but candle-light, and then a feller must be half corned 
 before he can see them without feeling ashamed of all woman 
 kind. 
 
BY JONATHAN SUCK. 131 
 
 I du think, when a chap begins to have a bad opinion of the 
 wtmmin folks, it s a siirn that there is something out of the way 
 in his own heart; but it comes tough to keep a feller s heart in 
 the right place, while sich sweet, purty, indecent critters ae 
 that Celeste, are a kicking up their heels and flinging all sorts 
 of queer ideas into his mind. Arter seeing her flurish her white 
 short gown, without petticoat, afore all them folks, I begun to 
 hate the gals like pison ; it seemed to me as if they warn t made 
 for men s wives, or tu be mothers and sister s. It was a hnll 
 week afore I could make up my mind to go out of my office, 
 and the sight of a furbelow raly made me sick. I began to rale 
 out agin all the feminine gender like all natur. 
 
 Wai, one morning I got up, and sat down by the stove, with 
 my legs stretched out, and my hands fingering the loose c< ppers 
 in my trousers pocket, when Cousin John come in, looking as 
 tickled as a puppy dog. 
 
 "See here, Jonathan," sez he, "I ve got an invitation, for you 
 to go to a fancy ball to-night, clear up town, so I ve come to see 
 what you ll wear, and all about it." 
 
 "Wai," sez I, kinder melancholy, "I ve got eenamost tired of 
 Bich things; it raly don t seem to agree with me frolicking so 
 much, but I suppose I may as well go." 
 
 "Wai," sez cousin, "what do you mean to wear?" 
 
 "What du I mean tu wear?" sez I, "why, my new clothes 
 sartinly: I ruther gness all the shine haint worn off from thew* 
 yit, by a great sight," 
 
 "Yes," sez lie, "but you must go in character to this ball." 
 
 "Look a here, cousin," sez I, arilinup a leetle, "I don t know 
 as you ve ever seen me go to any place that was out of character 
 yit, so you needn t say that." 
 
 John, he colored up and larfed a leetle, and sez he, "Don t jrit 
 wrothy, Jonathan I didn t mean nothing, but the fact is, it will 
 be best for you to dress in something a leetle different to your 
 common clothes. Supposing you dress like a Turk?" 
 
 "What! like one of them chaps that keop a hull caravan ot 
 wives shut up in their housen ?" sez I . " I m much obligated to 
 you for the idee but I d a leetle ruther not. I d jest as lives gc 
 to sleep and dream I was a gad fly in a black hornet s nest," 
 
132 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 "Wai," sez he, "supposin you let me dress you up like an 
 Injun how would you like that? I ll dress Mary up like a 
 squaw, and you can walk in together." 
 
 " "Why," sez I, sort of puzzled to find out what he was at, u I d 
 ruther be an Injun any day than be one of them tarnal Turky 
 fellers ; but what will the folks think of us if we come fixed out 
 c$o ? I should feel as streaked as a piece of ribbongrass, I m sartin." 
 " Oh, never mind that, they ll be glad to have you come like 
 an Injun; you don t know what a sight of folks are a going. 
 There ll be Kings and Queens, nuns, Scotch ladies, Englishmen, 
 and women born two hundred years ago, and all sorts of people." 
 "Gracious gaully how you talk!" sez I, all in amaze, for he 
 seemed as arnest as an ox team. " Why, they haint sent invites 
 over the water, have they ?" 
 
 " You ll see," sez John, a larfin a leetle easy, and rubbing his 
 hands. " But I want a favor, wont you lend me them old clothes 
 of yours to go in ?" 
 
 " What, old blue, with the shiney buttons, and the pepper and 
 salt trousers !" sez I. " Wai now, I d jest as lives you had em 
 as not ? but raly if you want to slick up, hadn t you better take 
 the new fix, it ll look a good deal more scrumptious ?" 
 
 " No," sez he, " I want them that your picter was took in, 
 they re jest the thing." 
 
 " They ll fit you to a notch," sez I. "The trousers may be a 
 leetle too short, but I can get the gallus buttons sot on strong, 
 and the pockets are nation handy." 
 
 " Do," sez he, " and I ll git your dress. Come up to our house, 
 and, we ll all start together." 
 
 With that John he went away, and I sot down all in a flustra- 
 tion to try and make out what he wanted me to fix up like a 
 born Injun for ; but the more I tho t the more I got in a pucker 
 about it, so 1 jest give it up, and stopped thinking about it aa 
 
 much as I could. 
 
 Your loving son t 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 133 
 
 LETTER XIII. 
 
 Jonathan Slick and the Grand Fancy Ball Jonathan in the charac 
 ter of an Injun, and Cousin Beebe in the character of Jonathan 
 Cousin Mary as Jonathan s Squaw Jonathan among Kings and 
 Queens, Spaniards, Turks and Jews Jonathan meets his pussey 
 Cousin in the character of a Turk Jonathan cuts his pussey 
 Cousin. 
 
 DEAB PAR: 
 
 Wai, Thursday, jest afore dark, I bundled up old blue, and the 
 pepper and salt trousers, and pulled foot for Cousin Beebe s as 
 chirk as a grass-hopper. The nigger set me in and took me up 
 stairs to a little room, where John was sittin in a great chair, 
 with the tarnationest heap of feathers and things about him that 
 ever you did see. He jumped up as soon as he saw me with 
 the bundle under my arm, and sez he 
 
 44 Come, hurry now and get off your things, I want to paint 
 you." With that he come along with a saucer of red stuff, and 
 begun to stir it up mighty savage. 
 
 Wai, think sez I, that don t look over inviting but I s pose 
 I may as well die for an old sheep as a lamb ; so I took 
 off my coat, and unbuckled my stock, and let him brush away. 
 Didn t he snake on the paint though! Think sez I, I don t 
 know how I shall feel but if I don t look streaked, it wont be 
 the fault of this ere leetle brush any how. Arter a while ho 
 begun to ri-bob-skew my hair up on the top of my head ; I 
 raly couldn t but jest wink, he drew it so tight; but I grinn d 
 and bore it as well as I could. By-am-by he made me put on a 
 red shirt, and sich a heap of nigger gimcracks as would ve made 
 you larf only jest to look at. When he d tied, and pinned, and 
 j-tuck on all the feathers he could find, he told me to get up and 
 look in the glass. Gauly-oppalus what a darn d lookin critter 
 I was 1 I raly thought I should a bust, I larfed so ; my hair was 
 all girt on the too of my head, and a hull grist of red 
 
134 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 feathers stuck into it every winch way, till my head looked like 
 an allfired great beet, a running to seed my face was painted a 
 sort of a brick color, with two or three streaks of black and yal- 
 ler, to make it look lively ; I had on a sort of a leather night 
 gown, without any sleeves all fringed off with beads, and 
 feathers, and quills, that made a noise every time I moved, like 
 the loose ice rattling off a tree arter a freezing rain ; besides the 
 legs of a pair of leather trousers, that only come up to my knees, 
 but they were fringed and finefied off to kill, I can tell you. 
 The shoes were smashers, though they sot to my feet as slick as 
 a biscuit, and felt as soft as a silk weed pod You never saw 
 anything worked off so purty leetle shiney beads glistened all 
 over with them, and they were kivered all over with flowers, 
 and spangled off with silver, till they took the shine off eenamost 
 anything I ever did see. 
 
 I don t know what got into me, but the minit I got the Injun 
 toggery on, I begun to feel as subtle and slimpsey as an eel, and 
 the way I flourished about and kicked up my heels, beat Miss 
 Celeste all to nothing. I raly thought Cousin John would a died 
 a larfin. " Look a here," sez he, " don t kick up a pow-wow till 
 you get to the ball. Did you ever see a rale full-blooded 
 Injun?" 
 
 " I ruther surmise so," sez I. 
 
 " Wai," sez he, "du you think you can act one out?" 
 
 " Can t I ! Look a here don t I du it as slick as a whistle ?" 
 sez I, and with that I looked as savage as a meat-axe, and be 
 gun to strut up and down the room like a turkey- gob bier on the 
 sunny side of a barn-yard. 
 
 "That ll du," sez John; "now you must have some medi 
 cine." 
 
 " I ll bet a copper I don t, though," sez I ; " I despise all kinds 
 of doctor-stuff, and if you git any o your rhubarb, o, calomel, or 
 Brandreth s pills down me I ll lose my guess." 
 
 Here John went off the handle agin, like a broken coree mill, 
 and the way he did tee-hee was enough to make a feller s dander 
 rise. 
 
 "Look a here," sez I, a walking straight up to him, "you 
 needn t larf, nor try to coaie your soft soddor ov&r me. I don t 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 135 
 
 believe its the fashion to take pills here in York, afore a chap 
 goes to a ball ; and I won t do it. There now, I ve sot down my 
 foot." 
 
 It was a good while afore John could ketch his breath ; but 
 arter all he gin up and, sez he, " Here, you haint no objections 
 to carrying this thing, and calling it medicine, have you?" 
 
 " Not the least in natur," sez I, and with that I took a sort 
 of a young woodchuck skin, stuffed out till it looked nat ral as 
 life, and I tucked it under my arm, and went down stairs to see 
 how Cousin Mary looked. 
 
 As sure as a gun there she sot all dressed out to kill her hair 
 was braided in great long tails, and all hung over with silver and 
 gold, and leetle bunches of red feathers. A row of short red 
 and jailer and blue feathers went round her head, and was twisted 
 together on one side, with a gold cord that had two long tossels 
 made out of gold and leetle shiney beads, that hung glistening 
 over her shoulder as bright as a handful of ripe currents, when 
 the sun strikes em. 
 
 I swow, but Mary did make a purty leetle squaw her frock 
 was made out of the whitest leather you ever did see, and was 
 kinder like my no-sleeved coat, only a great deal harnsomer and 
 hull all round. It didn t come clear down to her feet and that 
 tarnal leetle foot and ankle of her n did cut a swath in the leetle 
 glistening shoes and them figgered silk stockings. It raly made 
 me ketch my breath to look at her, she was so consarned harn- 
 eoine. I thought I should a bust when cousin Beebe came into the 
 room in my old blue coat and pepper and salts, with his hat 
 etuck on the back of his head, and his hands in his pockets. It 
 was me all over, cow-hide boots, red hankercher nnd all. 
 
 By-am-by the nigger come in and said that the carriage was at 
 the door, so we all up and got into it about the quickest, and off 
 we driv full split up town, till we come to a whopper of a house 
 clear up to Seventeenth street. When we got eenatnost there, 
 the horses couldn t but jest git along, there was sich a grist of 
 carriages streaking it one arter another toward the house. They 
 put me in mind of a string of onions jest broke loose, they wero 
 so tarnal thick. 
 
 Arter a good while we driv chuck up to the stun walk that had 
 
136 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 a lot of tow sheets stretched out over it to keep folks dry, and 
 went right straight up to the stoop, where a couple of spruce- 
 looking chaps with red ribbons stuck in their button holes, come 
 up and took us through a great long entry way, where the lights 
 eenamost dazzled a feller s eyes, to a sort of a twistified pair of 
 stairs. 
 
 I kinder wanted to stop by a stun table, sot off in the back part 
 of the entry way, and take a swig of punch, but I hadn t time to 
 git a hull swaller afore John and Mary were half way up stairs, 
 so I pulled foot and went arter em sort of wamblecropped at 
 having to choke off from the punch, for it was the rale critter, I 
 can tell you. 
 
 Mary she went into a great harnsome room, chuck full, and 
 running over with gals, for I took a sly peak through the door as 
 she went in, jest to see what was a going on; and then Cousin 
 Beebe and I went into another room, and walked round till she 
 cum out agin. Down we went through the entry way till we 
 come to a door at the further eend. 
 
 " "Why don t you give Mary your arm ?" sez John to me, jest 
 as I was walking along toward the door. 
 
 "If I m to play Injun to-night," sez I, "I ll do it according to 
 my own notion if you d jest as livs. I never see an Injun and 
 squaw a hooking arms yet, so cousin Mary may jest walk behind 
 me, if she aint too stuck up." 
 
 "With that I tucked the woodchuck under my arm, and walked 
 right straight ahead as stiff as a crowbar. Gracious me ! what a 
 smasher of a room we went into it was all set off with yaller 
 and blue settees and benches, and every sich thing, eenamost as 
 slick as my pussey cousin s room, and the darndest set of critters 
 were a dancing and a sidling about that ever I did see. There 
 warn t no carpet on the boards, and if they d a been a mind tu, 
 they might have shinned it down about right, but instead of that 
 they went curchying and scooting about, jest like so many torn 
 tits on the bank of a river. It raly made my grit rise to see a set 
 of folks come from all the four quarters of the globe, to a party, 
 that didn t know how to dance an eight reel or munny-muss as 
 it ought to be done. They didn t seem to mind us when we went 
 in, or else I should a felt awful streaked a standing up there like 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 137 
 
 a darned Injun, with Mary by me. I felt sartin of not being 
 known, and so I kept a purty stiff upper lip, and looked on jest 
 to see how foreign gentry acted when they were tu hum. There 
 was a swad of tarnal harnsome wimmen in the middle of the 
 room ourchying and twistifying and wriggling about one another, 
 and making believe dance like all natnr. But, oh forever! hew 
 they were dressed out! One on em had on a great long black 
 silk cloak, with sleeves to it, and a sort of white bib hanging 
 down before, for fear she d spill the wine and sweet sarce on to 
 her dress when she eat, I s pose, and she looked sort a like a nice 
 harnsome chap, and sort a like a gal, kinder half and half, like a 
 fence politician. There was a gal close by her dressed out to kill ; 
 her shoes were tied on with red ribbons, over a leetle stuck up 
 foot, that looked good enough to eat; and she had on three open 
 dresses, one over t other, made out of white silk and thin shiny 
 stuff, bound and trimmed off with strips of gold ; the sleeves 
 hung down like a feller s shirt, but there warn t no ristband to 
 em, and they hung wide open, so that her pesky white arm shone 
 out enough to dazzle a feller s eyes. She had two allfired great 
 breast pins, one on em spread out like a sun on her bosom, and 
 another down to her waist, all sot chuck full of stuns, that kept 
 a glistening in the light, like a handful of sparks out of a black 
 smith s chimney. She wore another of these glistening leetle 
 suns on her harnsome white forehead ; her long shiney curls hung 
 down on her shoulders, and a white veil, that looked like a cloud 
 with the sunshine a pouring into it, dropped over them. I 
 whispered to cousin Mary, and asked who the darned likely crit 
 ter could be. She said she come from Peru, and was a priestess, 
 or something, of the sun. Before I could get a chance to ask 
 whose son it was that she preached tu, and to say that I shouldn t 
 grumble if sich a critter as that should preach a trifle easy to Mr 
 Zepheniah Slick s son up come a leetle black-eyed gal, about 
 knee high to a toad, with a stick in her hand, and curls a hang 
 ing all over her shoulders. 
 
 " Hellow," sez I, u none of that are," as she hit my woodchuck 
 a dab with the stick, and run off larfin, ready to bust her leetle 
 sides. Before I knew which eend my head was on, up comes 
 another set of leetle queer looking gals, so young that they didn t 
 
138 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 seem much more than babies, that ought to have been spanVed 
 and put to bed, instead of being there. They were dressed off in 
 short frocks, and glistened like a hail storm ; but where they 
 come from I couldn t tell, for they all had wings on their 
 shoulders, and I never read of such winged critters on this arth, 
 and it didn t seem as if children would be sent from t other 
 world to a York ball. Before I could say Jack Robinson, they 
 made themselves scarce, and then sich sights of men and wim- 
 men cum a walking about, some dressed like angels jest dropped 
 down, some in regimentals, and all sorts of ways, that ever a fel 
 ler dreamed of. I swan, if I didn t begin to git dizzy with look 
 ing at em. 
 
 I kept by the door yit, a huggin my woodchuck, and a won- 
 derin how on arth the man that gave the party made out to send 
 round to all parts of the world to git his folks together, when I 
 happened to give a squint towards cousin Beebe, and I bust right 
 out a larfin, all I could du to help it. There he stood with his 
 mouth sort of open, and both hands dug down into the pockets 
 of my old pepper and salts, a staring about like a stuck pig. 
 Arter a minit, he went up to the slick leetle gal, right from 
 Spain, with shiney black hair, eyes as bright as a hawk s, and a 
 great long black veil a streaming down her back, and he made a 
 bow and asked her to dance as genteel as I could a done myself. 
 Pokehontas ! but didn t he make the old cowhides flurish about. 
 The way he balanced up and played heel and toe back agin, was 
 Weathersfield all over. The old blue and pepper and salts had 
 put the grit into him about right. I don t believe he d felt so 
 nat ral afore since he left Connecticut. I thought Mary would a 
 gone off the handle, she was so tickled, and I had to go away to 
 keep from haw-hawing right out. 
 
 I went along through a great wide door into a room all set 
 off with blue, that had a pen full of fiddlers at the further eend, 
 where some folks from Turkey and Amsterdam were a whirling 
 the foreign gals round and round like so many horses a grinding 
 cider. I couldn t look at em without feeling my dander rise, 
 yet I couldn t help but be sort of glad that the great people 
 from foreign parts made as tarnal coots of themselves as we du 
 here to hum. There wasn t a gal dressed out like a true born 
 
*.f JONATHAN SLICK. 139 
 
 American among Via ; but the way they did flirt round with 
 the men a hugging them, and the light a pouring down from the 
 heaps of glass and white candles over head, was as bad as I ever 
 see in a rale York party. It kinder made me dizzy to look on, 
 so I jest turned my back and begun to take an observation of 
 the consarned harnsome picters that hung agin the wall and lis- 
 tened to the music that come a streaming from the fiddles and 
 horns and bass viols as slick as a streak of chalk iled at both 
 eends. By-am-by I seemed to git tired of that, so up I went to 
 see if I couldn t find out where the Kings and Queens had hid 
 to; for I had a kind of a haukerin notion to see what kind of 
 stuff they were made on. 
 
 "Wai, I went along the entry-way, only jest stopping time 
 enough to take a swig of drink from the stun table, till I got 
 into a room where they kept the Kings and Queens. The light 
 come down almighty powerful over the great thick red carpet, 
 and the settees and foot-stools and chairs glistened out like a bed 
 of tulips in a hot eun. But the Queens, it raly did make me 
 ketch my breath to look on em. Sich consarned beautiful crit 
 ters I nevp.r did see. They beat all horned cattle that ever I sot 
 eyes on. One on em sot on a foot-stool, with her feet sort of 
 crossed in a letter X. She had ehiney trousers on, all spangled 
 off, and a kind of a silk frock-coat puckered up awfully at the 
 waist, with a lot of them shiney stuns round her neck, and on 
 her arms, and among her thick hair, and all over, till she glis 
 tened as if she d been out among a storm of firebugs. There 
 was a leetle hump-backed critter of a man, all finefied off with 
 satins, and feathers, and velvet, and gold; but a darn d queer 
 shote he was for a king! So I jest went by him, and the odd 
 looking Queen squat on the foot-stool that he was a talking to, 
 as chipper as could be, and sidled sort of bashful, woodchuck 
 and all, up to a tall, harnsome, stuck-up looking Queen, that 
 stood a talking to a chap with a great long feather in his cap, 
 that they called a Night. She had on a great long shiney velvet 
 dress, that streamed out behind like the tail of a comet, and 
 round her beautiful head was a rale ginmne crown, that seemed 
 as if it struck fire every time she moved her head , it raly made 
 iny eyes snap to look on it. 
 
140 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Think sez I to myself, " Wai, I never did speak to a Queen 
 yit but, by gaully ! I ll have a try at it this time Injun or no 
 rnjun." 
 
 I didn t exactly know how to begin, but I d heard say that 
 folks always got down on their marrow bones when they spoke 
 to sich stuck up quality ; and think sez I, what s manners for a 
 white man, must be manners for an Injun. So I went whop 
 down on rny knees, and sez I " Look a here, Marm Queen, 
 shouldn t you like a nation well to have a look at a rale prime 
 Yankee woodchuck ? They are curious critters, I call tell you !" 
 
 "With that, I held up the consarned little critter, and begun to 
 stroke down his back as if he d been a pussy cat. 
 
 The Queen kinder jumped and stepped back, and said, " Oh, 
 my!" and a leetle finefied boy, dressed off to kill, that stood 
 behind her a holding up the eend of her frock, he begun to 
 snicker, and at last he tee-heed right out. 
 
 Arter a minit, the Queen begun to larf too, and she sartinly 
 was about the sweetest lookin critter that I ever did see, with 
 her purty mouth opening like a red rose-bud, and her leetle 
 white teeth a shining inside. 
 
 " Before I take your medicine," sez she, " tell me what tribe 
 you belong to ?" 
 
 I didn t know what on arth to say, for I never could twist my 
 jaws with one of them crooked Injun names but, sez I to 
 myself, I calculate that a queen aint nothing but a woman arter 
 all, and it ll only make her think the more of me if I keep dark, 
 so I shook my head as if there was a good deal in it, and sez I 
 
 " Oh, marin, that s telling. You aint the first gal that has 
 tried to find me out; but it s plaguey hard work a kneeling down 
 here, so if you d jest as livs I ll stand up but I raly wish you d 
 let that leetle shaver of your n tend my woodchuck awhile I m 
 eenamost tuckered out a carrying it." 
 
 Here the other Queens and all the Kings and Nights come a 
 crowding round us all in a twitter to hear what we were so 
 chipper about. I begun to feel a sort of streaked with so many 
 of them lofty foreign cattle a looking at me, so I put out my 
 elbow, and sez I to the Queen sez I, 
 
 " Will you take my arm and let s go and see if we can t find a 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 141 
 
 bite of something to eat I m a gittin kinder hungry, aint 
 you?" 
 
 She seemed to hang back a minit as if she was loth to go, but 
 they all begun to giggle and said they d go along, so she put her 
 leetle white hand on my arm, and away we went, the eend of 
 her frock a streaming out behind, and the leetle chap a holding 
 on as you ve seen a kitten to an old cat s tail. 
 
 " Wai," think sez I, "if marm could see me now a streaking 
 up these ere stairs with a ginuine Queen on one arm and a 
 stuffed woodchuck under t other, and a hull grist of Kings and 
 Queens coming arter us, it seemed to me that she d allow that 
 I d been lifted up a notch or two above the vulgar since I left 
 hum." 
 
 In all my born days I never saw a table that could hold a can 
 dle to the one we found all set off in one of the big rooms up 
 stairs. There was no eend to the silver and glasses a glitterin 
 and flash in up among the eatables and drinkables. The visiters 
 couldn t git to but one side of the table, and on t other side was 
 a hull grist of waiters and niggers a bustling about like a swarm 
 of black wasps in a tantrum. 
 
 I gin the Queen a heap of good things, and it raly did me good 
 to see how she nibbled at em ; the way she stowed away the 
 jellies and presarves was as much like any of onr York gals as 
 if she hadn t been a Queen. 
 
 When she d eat about enough I crooked my elbow, and wo 
 went down stairs jest as we cum up Kings and Queens and 
 Nights and Injuns and all a rale mixed up squad. A.S soon as 
 I d found a seat for the queen I cut stick as stiff as could be. At 
 fust I was a going to make her a bow before I went away, but I 
 wasn t exactly sartin whether Injuns ever larn them things, so I 
 pulled in and cut away to the big ball room tickled eeuamost to 
 death with the notice that had been taken of me. 
 
 I was a looking round arter Cousin Mary, when a leetle slim 
 stuck up critter cum up to me with her yaller hair all a flying 
 and her wings spread like a frightened butterfly, and afore I 
 thought what I was at, I bust right out. 
 
 " Good gracious," sez I, " If it aint my etarnal pussey ootwin i 
 leetle finefied darter Jemima!" 
 
1GII 
 
 142 Hide LIFE IN NEW roicK. 
 
 The critter heard me and run up and spoke to a fat old Turk 
 of a feller in a frock and trousers and with a red bankercher 
 twisted round his head. He got up and whispered to a pusaey 
 sort of a woman all kivered over with yaller silk and glistening 
 like a bank of ice with gold and stuns, and up they all threo 
 cum a fluttering like a flock of hens at seeing a handful of corn, 
 and the woman she stuck out her fat hands and squealed out, 
 
 " Oh, cousin Slick, is that you ? I declare I m delighted that 
 Jemima has found you out. How very bright of her wasn t 
 it ? but then she is " 
 
 I didn t hear any more, for the foreign quality turned round 
 and stared with all the eyes they had in their heads. I cut and 
 run pulled foot like sacred sheep, till I got outside the door. 
 For there, as sure as a gun, was my pussy cousin and his wife 
 turned Turks. It was bad enough to have him a struttin round 
 to show a feller off, in his black coat and trousers ; but I raly 
 believe I should a gin up if he d a cum up in his Turk s frock 
 and great wide silk trousers to claim relationship with me. 
 
 My heart riz up in my throat at the idee of going back tu join 
 the stuck up varmints, and it was a good while before I could 
 make up mind to skulk back and look up Cousin Beebe and 
 Mary. She was a dancing with the humped-backed King, and 
 John was a shinnin it down like all natur with a purty woman, 
 that wore a shiney black velvet dress, all kivered over with 
 silver stars. It raly did me good to see him take the double 
 shuffle ; but I was allfired anxious to git away, for fear of seeing 
 them pussy Turks agin, that he choked off, and we went hum 
 about as well tuckered out as ever you see three critters. 
 
 Arter all I don t think these ere foreigners are anything to 
 speak on more genteel than our ginuine Americans. Mebby it s 
 because they hain t got used tu our ways yet, but some on em 
 seemed tu be rather awk ard in their blazin fine dresses, but I 
 e pose it made em feel bad tu see how kinder easy we free born 
 Americans felt with them. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
BY JONATHAN- SLICC 148 
 
 LETTER XIV. 
 
 Advice to Jonathan from the Humstead Jonathan s criticism on hia 
 Brother Sam s book The ennui of Jonathan in good society 
 Jonathan s entre into a Milliner s Establishment, and sad mistake 
 about a Side-saddle. 
 
 DEAB PAR: 
 
 It raly makes me feel bad to have you keep a writin so much 
 advice to me. I du want to please you ; and I don t think there 
 ever is a time in the world when a chap can know enough to 
 turn up his nose at his father s advice ; but it s my ginuiue 
 opinion, that when you let a feller go away from hum, it s best 
 to let him cut his own fodder. 
 
 You ve gin me a first rate edecation for your parts, and you ve 
 also told me to be honest and industrious, but sharp as a razor. 
 The truth is, you ve sort of cultivated me, as you du our onion 
 patches, but arter you ve dug them up and put the seed in, and 
 kept the weeds out till the ginuine roots get stuck purty deep 
 and the tops shoot up kinder thrifty, haint you also found it to 
 du best to leave em grow accordin to natur, with nothing but 
 the night dew and rich arth and the warm sunshine to help em 
 along; and don t they git ripe and run up to seed and down to 
 root, and bring in the hard chink jest as well as if you kept dig- 
 gin about em and trimmin em up from morning till night? If 
 you keep the weeds out when they re young, and manure the 
 arth well in the spring, there haint so much danger that the soil 
 will grow barren all tu once, or that the weeds can spring up so 
 quick as to choke a good tough onion. It ain t in natur, ask our 
 minister if it is. 
 
 Now don t you be scared about me, if I du go to the theatre 
 once in a while, or dress up like a darned coot of an Injun jest 
 to see what etarnal ninny-hammers kings and queens and 
 quality can make of themselves. I ain t in no danger, I can tell 
 you. A feller that s got his eye teeth in his head can al ers see 
 
144 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 enough to larf at in his sleeve, and to make him pity hrynan 
 uatur without forgitting that lie s a man, and that he was born 
 to du good, and not spend his hull life in trying to cut a dash. 
 Don t you nor inarm worry about me I may be a leetle green 
 at fust, but I shall come out right side up with care, yit, you 
 may be sartin on it. 
 
 I feel sort of wamblecropped to day, par, for I ve jest been a 
 reading our Sam s new book about the Great Western. I was 
 up to cousin Beebe s when he brought it hum, and begun to read 
 it to Mary. He hadn t read more than twenty pages afore 
 cousin Mary made believe a headache, as women always du 
 when they feel oneasy about anything, and she cut and run with 
 about the reddest face I ever did see. I felt as streaked as a win 
 ter apple, and cousin John, sez he 
 
 " Jonathan, if the folks off in Canada hadn t made Sam a judge, 
 I d stick to it that he wasn t a relation of mine ; his book raly 
 ain t fit to read afore the wimmen folks." 
 
 I wanted to stick up for Sam, but I ll be darn d if I could see 
 how to du it, for the book s an allfired smutty thing, and that s 
 the fact ; but I thought what consarned rough words the printers 
 sometimes put in my letters to you, when I ve writ something 
 very different, and so, think sez I, I ll put it off onto the 
 printers and publishers; for I ll be choked if I don t believe 
 they ve made as much of a mistake in publishing the book as 
 Sam did in writing it. So sez I, 
 
 " Sam s fust book was a peeler, and a credit to the family ; 
 and I haint the least doubt that this one would been jest as good, 
 if Sam hadn t strained to teat t other, and so broke his bridle 
 The ginuine grit aint all sifted out on m, I ll bet a cookey ; and 
 I haint the least doubt that the printers spiled this one. They re 
 etarnally twistifying my words into some darn d thing or other 
 that would make a minister swear. Sometimes they trans 
 mogrify what I write till I shouldn t know as it was mine ; but 
 then you know, cousin John, it aint everybody that knows how 
 tu spell out the ginuine English as we du in Weathersfield." 
 Cousin John he smiled, and then I kept on, and sez I, 
 
 " It raly made me grit my teeth to read sich things, and think 
 uhe purty gals would believe that I writ them. I didn t blame 
 
BY .JON -. MI \N si : ;. 145 
 
 my par," sez I, "for writing mo a grout l-.ng letter of admonition 
 about sich words ; but he ought to have known better than to 
 believe I put them there. It aint in niy uatur to write anything 
 that the most mealy-mouthed gal on arth mightn t read out loud 
 afore all the chaps in creation ; and if any on em see anything 
 that don t come right up to the chalk, in the way of gentility, 
 they may be sartiri it aint mine." 
 
 My dear par, jest you keep easy about me, arid if you and 
 marm want to jaw any body, haul our Sam over the coals and 
 earmonize him ; you ll find fust rate picking on that goose, but 
 I haint but jest begun to put out my pin feathers yit. 
 
 Wai now, I may as well give you a leetle notion of my goings- 
 on here, since I went to that smashing ball, and eat presarves 
 with a rale queen. Somehow I ve begun to git sort of tired of 
 the big bugs and the tippies, they re all too much alike, and arter 
 a chap s been to a few of their parties, and balls, and so on, he 
 kinder loathes their darned soft finefied nonsense, as well as the 
 cider and sweet sarse that they stuff a feller with. 
 
 Going among quality is like boarding at a fust rate tavern. 
 At fust a critter don t know what to du with himself he s so 
 tickled with the nice things on the table, but by-and-by his sto 
 mach begins to turn agin the chickens, and turkeys, and young 
 pigs, and takes tu a hankering arter pot-luck and plain pork and 
 beans. 
 
 This sort of feeling kinder settled on me alter the ball. I raly 
 was eenaraost sot agin the harnsome critter? that sidle up and 
 down Broadway, with leetle round things, made out of silk, about 
 as big as a good sized toad-stool, stuck up before their faces, to 
 keep the sun off; so I eenamost made up my mind to put on the 
 old pepper and salts agin, see a leetle of human natur among 
 the gals that git their own living, and work themselves to death 
 to make them stuck up critters in Broadway look as harnsome 
 as they du. 
 
 I d heard say that there were lots of purty gals to work in the 
 milliners stores up in Division street, and in the Bowery, but 
 somehow I didn t exactly know how to git acquainted with any 
 on em. I never felt a mite bashful about scraping acquaintance 
 with stuck up critters, like my pussey cousin s wife and Miss 
 10 
 
146 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Miles ; but when I see a harnsome innocent young gal a g^ing 
 out arly in the morning and a coming home late at night, and 
 working like a dog to arn a decent living, somehow my heart 
 rises up in my throat, and insted of shinning up to em, and talk 
 ing soft sodder, as I du to the tippies, I feel sort of dashed, and as 
 if a chap ought to take off his hat, and let them see that honest 
 men respect them the more because they are alone, with nobody 
 to take care of them. 
 
 I never see one of hem harnsome young critters going along 
 hum, arter working hard all day, to arn something to live on, 
 and mebby to feed their pars and mars with, but I git to thinkin 
 how much a ginuine chap ought to prize them for keeping honest, 
 and industrious, and vartuous, when they haint much to encou 
 rage them to du right, and generally have a good deal to tempt 
 them to du wrong, insted of turning up their noses at em afore 
 folks, or a tryin to tempt them into sin and wickedness behind 
 people s backs. It has raly made my blood bile more than ever 
 to see foreign and dandefied chaps, like that hairy lipped Count, 
 go by them gals in the day time, with their noses up in the air t 
 and a looking as if the purty critters warn t good enough to go 
 along the same stun walk with them, and the stuck up quality 
 ladies ; when any body that took pains to watch the etarnal var 
 ments arter dark, might ketch them a hanging round the dark 
 corners of the streets, and a chasing arter them same working 
 gals like so many darn d yaller foxes scouting round a hen coop, 
 arter the geese and turkeys ; chaps that would run a man through 
 with a sword-cane or a bagonet if he dared to look sideways at 
 bis wife or sister, will impose on an honest gal if they can git a 
 chance, and think it s allfired good fun tu. Darn such fellers ! 
 hangin s too good for em ! I tell you what, par, you may talk 
 about people s being born free and equal, and about liberty, and 
 independence, and all that, but it s my opinion that there aint a 
 place on arth, where the people try to stomp each other down to 
 the dirt more than they du here in York. 
 
 "Wai, I wont finish off this ere sarmon, so your minister needn t 
 get wamblecropped, for fear 111 cut him out. But I ll jest tell 
 you what put all these sober nations into my head. 
 
 You haint forgot that Judy White had a cousin that come here 
 
m JOXATIIVX si. UK. 147 
 
 to York t< lam a trade. She was a tarnal sweet party critter 
 when she come away from Weathorsfield. us plump as a par 
 tridge, and with cheeks as red as a rosy. Judy made me pro 
 mise a good while ago that if ever I come down to York I d go 
 and see her cousin , but somehow it does make a feller forget old 
 friends to be always going to parties and dinners with these big 
 bugs, and it warn t till t other day tl at I thought anything about 
 Susan Reed. 
 
 The fust minit she come into my head I up and went straight 
 along the Bowery, detarmined to find the place that she worked 
 at, and see how she was getting along. I had forgot the number, 
 out when I come to a store that was all windows in front, and 
 that had a smasher of a bonnet hung agin every square of glass, 
 besides beautiful caps and ribbons and posies as nat ral as life, 
 hung up between, I made up my mind that Td hit the right nail 
 on the head, and so in I went as independent as a wood-sawyer s 
 clerk. 
 
 A leetle bit of a stuck up old maid stood back of a counter, all 
 sot off with bonnets and feathers that looked tempting enough 
 to make a feller s purse jump right out of his trousers pocket. 
 She had on a c. ip all bowed off with pink ribbons, that looked 
 queer enough round her leetle wizzled up face, and a calico frock, 
 figgered out with great bright posies, besides one of them ere. 
 sort of collars round her neck, all sprigged and ruffled off as slick 
 as a new pin. Her waist warn t bigger round than a quart cup, 
 and she stuck her hands down in the pockets of her dasliy silk 
 apron, as nat ral as I could a done it myself. I was jest a 
 going to ask if Susan Reed worked there, when a lady come in 
 and wanted to buy a bonnet. At it they went, hand over first, 
 a bargainin and a tryin on red and yaller and pink and blue bon 
 nets. 
 
 The milliner she put one sort on, and then another, and went 
 on pouring out a stream of soft sodder, while the lady peaked at 
 herself in a looking-glass, and twistified her head about li,\o n 
 bird on a bramble bush, and at last said, she didn t know, : i.e d 
 look a leetle further, mebby she d call agin, if she didn t suit 
 herself, and a heap more palaVar, that made the leetle w m;an 
 look as if she d been a drinking a mug of hard cider. 
 
143 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 While the lady was trying to edge off to the door, and the 
 milliner was a fullering her with a blue bonnet, and a great long 
 white feather a streaming in her hand, I jest took a slaritindicu- 
 lar squint at the glass boxes that stood about chuck full of Jim- 
 cracks and furbelows, for there was something in one of em that 
 raly looked curious. It was a sort of a thing stuffed out and 
 quilted over till it stood up in the glass box as stiif and parpen- 
 dicular as a baby s go-cart. 
 
 I jest put my hands down in my pockets sort of puzzled, and 
 stood a looking at the critter to see what I could make on it. 
 Arter I d took a good squint at the consarn, up one side, down 
 t other, and down the middle, right and left, I purty much made 
 up my mind that it was one of them new-fashioned side-sa<klles, 
 that I d heard tell on, and I took a notion into my head that I d 
 buy one and send it to marm. So when the leelle old maid cum 
 back from the door, I jest pinted at the saddle, and sez I, 
 
 "What s the charge for that are t. ing?" 
 
 " Why, that pair, 1 sez she, a sticking her head on one side, and 
 a burying her hands, that looked like a hawk s claws, down in the 
 pocket of her cunning short apron, " I ll put them to you at 
 twelve dollars ; they re French- made, lastic shoulder straps, 
 stitched beautifully in the front, chuck full of whalebone and 
 they set to the shape like the skin to a bird." 
 
 Lord a massey, how the little stuck up critter did set off the 
 the talk ! I couldn t shove in a word edgeways, till she stopped 
 to git breath, and then sez I, 
 
 " I s pose you throw in the martingales, sirsingle, and so on, 
 don t you ?" 
 
 " The what," says she, a stepping back, and squinting up in my 
 face sort of cross, as if she didn t like to throw in the whole 
 harnessing at that price. 
 
 "The martingale," sez I, "and the sirsingle; but mebby you 
 have some other name for em down here in York. I mean the 
 straps that come down in front to throw the chest out, and give 
 the neck a harnsome bend, and the thing to girt up in the 
 middle with. Marm wont know how to use this new-fashioned 
 thing if I don t send all the tackle with it." 
 
 " Oh," sez the milliner, "I didn t understand; you want the 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 140 
 
 laces and the steel in front ; MTtinlyWO give- them in. The steel 
 is kivered with kid, and the laces are of the strongest silk." 
 
 k> \Vul, sez I, "I never heard of a steel martingale, and I should 
 be at eard they wouldn t be over pliable." 
 
 " Oh, "sez she, "you can bend em double, they give so." 
 
 "How you talk," says I, " it raly is curious what new inven 
 tions people du have, but somehow it sort of seems to me that a 
 silk girt might be a leetle too slimpsey, don t you think so 
 inarm?" 
 
 u Lor, no sir," sez she, " they are strong enough, I can tell yon ; 
 jest take a look at the Broadway ladies, they never use anything 
 else, and they girt tight enough, I m sure." 
 
 I hadn t the least idee what the critter was a diving at; she 
 see th:it I looked sort of puzzled, and I s pose she begun to 
 think that I shouldn t buy the saddle. 
 
 u Look a here," sez she, a putting her hands on both sides of her 
 leetle stuck tip waist ; "I ve got em on myself, so you can judge 
 how ti;.rht they can be fitted." 
 
 "Gaully offalus!" sez I, a snorting out a larfing, and a eyeing 
 the leetle finetied old maid; but I didn t think it was very good 
 manners to burst right out so, and I tried all I could to choke in. 
 Gracious me! think sez I, no wonder the York gals have sudi 
 humps on their backs, since they ve got to wearing saddles like 
 horses. 
 
 By-am-by, arter I d eenamost bust myself a trying to stop larf 
 ing, it come into my head that the critter of a milliner was a try 
 ing to poke fun at me, cause I wanted to beat her down : for I 
 couldn t believe the tippies quite so bad as to girt up and strap 
 down like a four year old colt. "Wai, think sez I, I ll he up to 
 her anyhow; so I looked jest as mealy-mouthed as if I believed 
 her, and sez I, as innocent as a rabbit in a box trap, sez I, 
 
 " If the wimmen folks have took to wearing saddles, I s pose 
 they haint forgot the bridles tu ; so I dont care if I take this 
 ere pair for some old maids we ve got in our parts. If I had my 
 way, they d all be bitted the minit they turned the fust corner. 
 Darn d talking critters them old maids are, marm," sez I, a look 
 ing at her sort of slanting, jest to let her see she hadn t got hold 
 of quite so great a greenhorn as she seemed to think. 
 
150 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Lord a Massey, how she did look ! Her leetle wizzled up 
 face begun to twist itself up till it looked like a red winter apple 
 puckered up by the frost. I didn t seem to mind it, but put my 
 hand down in my pocket sort of easy, and begun to whistle 
 Yankee Doodle. 
 
 " You haint got no bridle s then ?" sez I, after a minit ; for she 
 looked wrathy enough to spit tire, and sot up sich an opposition 
 in the pocket line, that I was raly afeard her leetle hands would 
 bust through the silk or break her apron strings, she dug down 
 
 60. 
 
 "Bridles! no!" sez she, as spiteful as a meat-axe jest ground, 
 " but I ll send out and git a halter for you, with all my heart." 
 
 " Gaully I" sez I, " but you re clear grit smart as a steel trap, 
 aint you ?" 
 
 " Yes," sez she, more spiteful yet, " when it snaps at some 
 animal like you, that don t know enough to keep out of its teeth?" 
 
 Think sez I, Mr. Jonathan Slick, Esq., it s about time for you 
 to haul in these horns of yourn. You aint no match for a 
 woman, anyhow; there never was a critter of the feminine 
 gender, that couldn t talk a chap out of his seven senses in less 
 than no time. 
 
 " Gaully," sez I, " you ve about used me up I begin to feel 
 Btreaked as lean pork in the bottom of a barrel. I guess I shan t 
 tackle in with a smart critter like you agin in a hurry 1 but don t 
 git too mad ; it ll spile that harnsome face of your n. I swan ! 
 but I should think you was eenamost thirty this minit, if I hadn t 
 seen the difference before you begun to rile up." 
 
 Didn t the puckers go out of her face when I said this ! She 
 was mollified down in a minit. I don t s pose she ever had twenty 
 years took off from her good fifty so slick afore in her hull life ; 
 but it aint human natur to come out a]l to once, at any rate, it 
 aint an old maid s natur, when her back once gits up. So when 
 I see her darned thin lips begin to pucker and twist into sort of 
 a smile, I let off a leetle more soft sodder, that wilted her down 
 like a cabbage-leaf in the sun ; and then sez I, a pinting to the 
 glass-box 
 
 41 Come, now, s posing we strike up a trade. I ve took a sort 
 of a sneaking notion to that ere new-fashioned side-saddle. So 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 151 
 
 if you ll throw in the tackling, I ll give you ten dollars for it, 
 cash on the nail." 
 
 " That what ?" said she, a looking fust at me and then at the 
 saddle, with her mouth a leetle open and her eyes sticking out 
 like peeled onions. u That what ?" 
 
 " Why, that are saddle," sez I, beginning to feel my dander 
 rise. 
 
 "That saddle," sez she, "that saddle; why, sir, did you take 
 that pair of French corsets for a saddle ?" 
 
 With that she slumped down into a chair, and kivered her face 
 with both hands, and larfed till I raly thought the critter would a, 
 split her sides. The way -she wriggled back rd and fored, tee- 
 heeing and haw-hawing, was enough to make a Presbyterian 
 Missionary swear like a sea captain. 
 
 " That saddle !" sez she, a looking up from between her hands, 
 and then letting off the fun again as bad as ever. " That saddle ! 
 Oh, dear, I shall die. Did you really take that pair of French 
 corsets for a side-saddle, sir? Oh, dear, I shall die a larfin!" 
 
 Didn t I feel streaked though ! Only think what an etarnal 
 coot I had made of myself, to take a pair of gal s corsets for a 
 side-saddle. "Darn the things," sez I, and it was as much as I 
 could du to keep from putting foot to the glass case, and kicking 
 it into the street. I felt the blood bile up into my face, and 
 when the old maid bust out agin, and I see a hull grist of purty 
 faces come a swarming to a glass door, that they d hauled back 
 a curtain from, I could have skulked through a knot hole, I felt 
 so dreadful mean. But by-am-by I begun to think they had more 
 <?ause to be ashamed than I had. Who on arth would ever have 
 Miought them stiff indecent looking things were made for a deli- 
 ;ate gal to wear ? I felt dreadfully though, to think that I d 
 been a talking about a gal s under-riprgin, to a woman so long, 
 but after a few minits I begun to think that I needn t fret myself 
 much about that. The woman that stuck them things out in the 
 street for young fellers to look at, needn t go off in a fit of " the 
 dreadful suz," because a chap asks the price of them. "So, who 
 cares!" sez I. 
 
 The old maid jumped up, arter she d larfed herself into a 
 caniption fit, and out on it agiu and she run into the bacK room 
 
162 HIGH LTFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 where the gals were. It warn t more than a minit before there 
 was in there sich a pow-wow and rumpus kicked up, the gala 
 begun to hop about like parched corn on a hot shovel. They 
 sot up sich a giggle and tee-heeing, that I couldn t a stood it one 
 minit longer. But all tu once I heard somebody say, 
 
 " My gracious, it s Mr. Jonathan Slick, from our parts !" 
 
 At that they all choked in, and were as still as mice in a flour 
 bin. I looked to the glass door, and there stood Susan Reed, a 
 holding back the curtain with one hand and peaking through a 
 square of glass to be sartin it was me. I tell you what, but the 
 gal looked like a picter, and a darned purty picter tu, as she 
 stood a holding back the heap of red cloth in her dark colored 
 calico dress, and black silk apron that made her neck and 
 face look as white as a lily. The rosy cheeks that she used to 
 have in Weathersfield were all gone, and her eyes seemed as if 
 they d grown larger than they ever Avere before. I don t know 
 when I ve seen a gal that has took my notion as she did while 
 she was a standing in that door. Arter a minit I see her fling 
 her head back till the long shiney curls streamed in heaps over 
 her shoulder, and I heard her say, 
 
 " Oh, let me go out ! I m sure it s him." 
 
 " What of that ?" I heard the old maid squeak out, as sour as 
 vinegar ; " he aint no relation, is he ?" 
 
 " No, no," sez Susan, a droppin the curtain, and a speaking as 
 if her heart was brim full and a running over ; " but he come 
 from Weathersfield, we went to school together ; he come from 
 home, I must speak to him !" 
 
 With that she opened the door and come towards me, a hold 
 ing out her hand and a trying to smile ; but the tears were a 
 standing in her great blue eyes, and I raly thought she was a 
 going to bust right out a crying. I knew she was a thinking 
 about the old humstead, and when I remembered how them 
 darned lawyers cheated her old mother out of house and hum, 
 I felt so bad I could a cried tu, jest as well as not. 
 
 I went right up and shook hands, and sez I 
 
 " How do you du, Susan ? I swanny ! but the sight of you is 
 good for sore eyes ; it raly seems like old times, only jest to look 
 at you." 
 
BY JON ATnAN SUCK. 163 
 
 She kinder smiled a Icetle, and sez she " How are all the folks 
 in Weathersfield ?" 
 
 44 Oh, they were all so as to be crawling about when I come 
 away," sez I. "Sally Sikes has got married, I s pose you 
 know." 
 
 44 And how is cousin Judy ?" sez she. 
 
 44 Party wall, sonsiderin," sez I; and you can t think how all- 
 overish I felt to hear anybody speak of Judy so fur from hum. 
 I was jest a going to say something to keep her from asking any 
 thing more about the gal, when the old maid she come out, and 
 sez she 
 
 u Miss Reed, I don t hire you to talk with young fellers in the 
 front shop." 
 
 Gaully ! didn t my blood bile, I could a knocked the stuck up 
 leetle varmint into a cocked hat, but Susan she looked sort of 
 scared, and, sez she, 
 
 u Call and see me, Mr. Slick, at my boarding-house: I shall bo 
 so glad to talk over old times." The tears bust right into her 
 blue eyes as she spoke, and she looked so humsick I raly felt for 
 her. 
 
 "What time shall I call?" sez I, a follering her to the glass 
 door. 
 
 41 1 haint a minit that I can call my own till arter eight o clock 
 at night," sez she ; " but if you ll call some evening I shall be 
 glad to see you." 
 
 44 1 shall sartinly come," 8ez I, and arter shaking hands with her 
 agin I went out of the store and hum to my office, a feeling purty 
 considerably humsick and with more ginuine human natur bilin 
 an in my heart than I d felt since I cum to York. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN Sure 
 
HIGH LIFE IN NEW YOiiK. 
 
 LETTER XV. 
 Jonathan visits the Milliner girl Reflections about her situation. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 I couldn t seem to rest easy till I went to see Susan. She 
 boarded in a sort of a gloomy house eenamost up to Dry-dock. 
 I knocked away at the door with my knuckles ever so long afore 
 I could make any body hear. By-am-by Susan come to the door 
 herself, and she took me up a pair of stairs, kivered with rag car 
 peting, into a leetle stived up room with a stove in it. Two 
 leetle squalling brats were a playing on the floor, ard a harnsome 
 woman, but not over nice in her fixings, sot in one corner, a 
 sewing on a round-about. Susan she was dressed up jest as she 
 was in the milliner s store; she looked peaked and eenamost 
 tuckered out, but the minit I d got seated, she took hold with the 
 woman and begun to sew away for dear life. 
 
 " You seem to be rather industrious," sez I. 
 
 She smiled sort of mournful, and sez she, so low I couldn t but 
 jest ketch the words, 
 
 " I m obliged to be or starve." 
 
 Think sez I, there s something that aint right here, and with 
 that I begun to talk about the prices of the work, till I found 
 out that with all her hard trying, it was more than she could du 
 to arn a decent living. I begun to talk about hum and the time 
 when I used to lend her my mittens when she was a leetle gal and 
 her lingers were cold ; but all I could do she wouldn t chirk up, 
 but the other woman she got, rale sociable and told me lots of 
 stories about milliners and sewing girls, and as I was going hum 
 I took it into my head that I d write some on em out for the 
 Express. 
 
 I mean to send one on em next week, but I raly think they 
 ought to shell out more chink than they du for my letters, for 
 I ve had to study the dictionary two days a ready to sarch out 
 
BY JOXATHAX RUflK. 155 
 
 long words, and I Imint g >t half enough vit. I went, to Cousin 
 Beebe about it, and lie said that mebby I d better study some ot 
 the arly English writers before 1 begun to write stories, or else 
 Washington Irving, Cooper, or some of them chaps might cut 
 me out. I didn t jest know what he meant by arly writers, but 
 made up my mind that it was them that begun to write when they 
 was shavers, so I went into a bookstore and told them I wanted 
 to buy a good book that was writ by some English youngster. 
 
 "Here s a work by Boz," say he, a handing down a big book ; 
 u he begun the youngest and writes the best of any of the folks 
 across the water." I bought the book and went back to my of 
 fice. Gaully-oppalus, but aint that Boz Dickens a smasher ! if 
 he don t beat all natur, nobody does. If I could write like him I 
 raly should bust my dandy vest, I should be so puffed up. I kept 
 on reading eenamost all night, and more than once I bust right 
 out a crying afore I knew it. I swan to man that leetle .^ell 
 that he writes about is the sweetest, purtyest critter that any 
 body ever dreamed on. Oh! how I wish you would read the 
 story about her, it s as good as the Pilgrim s Progress any day. 
 
 Then there s a mean, etarnal sneaking coot, a Mr. Quilp, that 
 drunk bilin hot licker out of a skillet, and licked a poor peaked 
 little critter his wife amost to death every once in a while, 
 and when he hadn t her handy he took to cudgelling a wooden 
 image. I swan to man, it made my blood bile to read about sich 
 dreadful carryings on; but yit when I cum to consider and think 
 on it all over, it kinder seems to me as if Boz Dickens had stretched 
 his galluses a trifle, in writing out sich an allfired spiteful var 
 mint. Human iiatur is bad enough, any how ; but my paper is 
 run out, and I aint but jest room to subscribe myself 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
156 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 LETTER XVI. 
 
 MISS JOSEPHINE BURGESS A TALE. 
 
 In which Jonathan shows up the Hardships of Sewing Girls De 
 scribes a Tammany Hall Ball Milliner Aristocracy and Exclusive- 
 ness Informs the reader how Miss Josephine Burgess took a tall 
 man with whiskers into her Establishment, who took her in in re 
 turn The desperation of a little Apothecary His Marriage, and 
 the Ascent of Miss Josephine Burgess from the front store to a 
 work room a little higher up. 
 
 }iiss JOSEPHINE BURGESS was as purty a gal as ever trod shoe 
 leather ; bnt she was awfully stuck up, and got into all kind of 
 Snefied notions, arter her par, the old shoemaker, died and left 
 her his arnings. She was an awful smart critter though, and 
 had a sort of a notion which side her oread was buttered on, 
 as well as anybody you ever sot eyes on. Instid of spending the 
 seven hundred dollars, which the stingy old coot of a shoemaker 
 left behind him, all in hard chink, she sot up a milliner s and 
 dress-maker s store in the Bowery ; and it raly would have done 
 the old chap s ghost good, to have seen how she contrived to 
 turn the sixpences and half dollars that he d been hoarding up 
 so long in an old pepper-and-salt stocking, for fear of losing em. 
 A tarnal snug bisness Miss Josephine Burgess was a doing, I can 
 tell you. If she didn t know how to make things gibe, there 
 wasn t a gal in the Bowery that did, you may be sartin. She 
 raly had a talent for the bisness a sort of genius in the bonnet 
 way. With her own harnsome leetle fingers she cut and snipped 
 and twisted and pinned on the shiney stuff and ribbons to all the 
 caps and bonnets turned oil by the ten peeked looking thin 
 young girls that worked twelve hours out of every twenty-four, in 
 a garret bed-room, in the back of the house, where Miss Jose 
 phine Burgess kept her store. Her thin peeked looking young 
 girls iMirht have enjoyed themselves if they only had a mind to I 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 157 
 
 There never was such a prospect as they had to look upon when 
 they got tired. If they jest turned their bright eyes up to get a 
 peek at the sky, there was a hull regiment of eliimnies, all a 
 eeuding out smoke like a company of Florida so^-rs ; and if they 
 looked down, there were ever so many backyards cut up info 
 sort of pig pens, with lots of bleech boxes a pouring out the 
 brimstone smoke, and old straw bonnets strung out to dry, that 
 made every tiling look comfortable and like live. Miss Joseph 
 ine Burgess was a purty good boss considerin. She let her 
 gals have half an hour to eat their dinners in, and if any on em 
 didn t happen to get to the shop at seven o clock in the morning 
 she never docked off more than half their day s wages. She 
 was rather apt to get out of temper once in a while; but then 
 insted of blowing the gals up, as some cross grained critters will, 
 she only blew up their work, and made them du it all over agin; 
 which was a more easy way of spitting out spite, and putting a 
 few coppers into her own pocket ; for when it took half of a day to 
 du the work, and another half to alter it, she only made the 
 poor gals lose a half day s wages; and if they didn t like that 
 she d al rs give them leave to get a better place; which, consid 
 ering that half the sewin gals in York are always out of work, 
 was raly very good natured and considerate in her. Besides this 
 she had a good many ginerous leetle ways of turning a copper. 
 When the peeked, haggard young critters came down from the 
 work-room, at twelve o clock Saturday night for Miss Joseph 
 ine Burgess was awful pious, it wasn t only once in a great 
 while that she made the gals work over into the Sabberday 
 morning as she paid them their wages Miss Josephine always 
 found out that some mistake had been made in the work a piece 
 of silk cut into, or a bit of leghorn burnt brown in the bleaching, 
 which melted down the twenty shillings which they ought to 
 have had apiece, to eighteen, or mebby two dollars; all of which 
 must sartinly have been to the satisfaction and amusement of 
 the pale troop of gals, who had two dollars to pay for board, be 
 sides clothes and washing to get along with, out of the twenty -Hvo 
 cents that were left; and if they didn t seem to like it, Miss Jo 
 sephine wasn t agoing to fret her herself about that. She al rs 
 contrived to tucker them out with hard work before she settled 
 
158 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 op, so that there was no fear of their saying much agin what sba 
 took of their wages. Sometimes the tears would come into their 
 eyes ; and some on em that hadn t no hum to go tu, except the 
 leetle garret bed-rooms which they were over head and ears in 
 debt for, would burst out and sob as if they hadn t a friend on 
 arth; but crying is a good deal like drinking it hurts them that 
 take to it more than it does anybody else. Miss Josephine Bur 
 gess didn t care a copper for tears and sobs ; she d got used to 
 em. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess raly had a talent for her bisness. No 
 body ever learned so many prudent ways of laying up money. 
 She used to dress up like a queen, and her Sunday-go-to-meeting 
 clothes were the genuine things and genteel all over. Eenamost; 
 every Sabberday she would go to meeting in a branfire new bon 
 net; and if some of her good iiatured customers that staid to 
 hum because theirs warn t finished, had one just like it come to 
 the door on Monday morning, the leetle gal that waited for the 
 band-box only had to say, that she sarched and sarched on Sa 
 turday night and couldn t find the house. It doesn t hurt a 
 dashing bonnet to wear it eenajest once. Miss Josephine never 
 kept her customers a waiting over more than one Sunday, only 
 when they were very busy or paid beforehand. Folks that are 
 always a minding other people s business used to talk about Miss 
 Josephine, and call her extravagant and stuck up ; but the var 
 mints didn t know what they were a talking about more than 
 nothing. If she had her silks and satins made up every month, 
 the making cost eenamost nothing. The working gals always 
 expected to sit up till twelve o clock Saturday nights in hurrying 
 times ; and when it wasn t hurrying time Miss Josephine had 
 always a frock to finish off for herself or something of that sort. 
 The frocks answered jest as well to make bonnets out on, arter 
 she d dashed out in em once or twice, and the sleeves and waist 
 cut up scrumptiously for ruffles and furbelows. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess understood the soft sodder principle 
 like a book. She had a way of bantering off the bonnets and gira- 
 cracks that was raly curious. If a customer happened to take a no 
 tion to having color and shape of a bonnet, she would insist upon it 
 that she should try it on afore the glass ; and while the lady was 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. lf>9 
 
 * gittin good natured, and a beginning to feel stuck up with the 
 looks of herself, Miss Josephine would twist about the bows, and 
 ppread out the ribbands, and tell how very nice it all was, the 
 face and the bonnet agreed so well. She had jest tluit face in her 
 mind when the bonuet was under way so delicate so graceful 
 so so very handsome. Some people hadn t the least notion of 
 harmony and grace. It raly did her heart good to make things 
 for a lady who knew which was which. She always kept them 
 sort of hats for her most fashionable customers. She wouldn t 
 have them get common for anything raly she couldn t tell how 
 that one got out on the counter; but shop gals were the most 
 careless critters on arth sometimes she did feel as if she couldn t 
 git along with em but in them hard times it raly went agin her 
 heart to turn em away, so she got along as well as she could. 
 
 Here Miss Josephine Burgess would break sharp off and let the 
 customer look at herself in the glass, only just throwing in a 
 word once in a while to help along. Then she d pull the bonnet 
 a leetle for ed, tuck away the lady s curls under it, and stick her 
 own head a one side to " take an observation ;" arter that she d 
 kinder put up both hands and say "beautiful!" jest as if the 
 word bust right out, all she could do to help it. By-am-by Miss 
 Josephine Burgess would sort of fold her hands over the black 
 apron, and step back a leetle to give her customer time to twi>t- 
 ify afore the glass, and wonder whether the milliner meant tho 
 bonnet or her face, or both together, when she said "beautiful." 
 The hull of it eenamost aiwavs tarminated by Miss Josephine 
 Burgess selling the bonnet, and the lady s swimming off chuck 
 full and brimming over with soft sodder, like a darn d turkey- 
 gobbler, stuffed out with Injun meal. 
 
 If a customer did not take a notion to the bonnet, or seemed 
 to hanker arter something else, Miss Josephine had nothing to 
 do but to alter her tune for another sort of a dancer. 
 
 "Folks with homely faces," sez she, "ought to be squeamish 
 about colors;" in fact they couldn t help it, if they wanted to 
 look decent ; bat some folks raly seemed to look harnsome in any 
 thing; it was the face arter all that sot off the bonnet. Some 
 people had such clear skins that they could bear a bright orange 
 color, and look purty as a pink arter all. Once in a while Misa 
 
lt)C HIGH LIFE IN NKW YOIIK. 
 
 Josephine sartinly did overdo the bisness a leetle, but she almost 
 always made out to trade somehow, without her customer turn 
 ed out to be some sly coot of a sister milliner a running round to 
 hunt up patterns, or some darned critter out a shopping on a 
 fourpence-ha penny capital. 
 
 Besides tending her shop, and cutting and trimming, and all 
 that, Miss Josephine Burgess found time to do a leetle courting, 
 over work, with a finefied sort of a pothecary feller that sold doc 
 tor stuff over the way agin her store. But she didn t let this take 
 up much of her time, nor no sich thing she wasn t ngal to let 
 her heart run away with her head, any how they could fix it. 
 While the finefied stuck up leetle pothecary shut up his shop over 
 the way, and sot more n half the time twisting up the thread and 
 leetle bits of ribbon that Miss Josephine Burgess snipped off with 
 a pair of sharp pinted scissors, hitched to her side by a black 
 watch guard, and kept a puckering up his mouth and a talking 
 darned finefied nonsense, as sweet as the jujube paste, and the 
 peppermint drops that he brought in his trousers pocket, she sot 
 as independent as a cork-screw, with one foot stuck upon a bon 
 net block, a twisting up bows, and a sticking pins and feathers 
 into a heap of silk and millinery stuff. Once in a while she ma 
 naged to stick a peppermint drop into her leetle mouth, and to 
 turn her eyes to the pothecary with sich a look, so soft and kill 
 ing, it went right straight through his heart, like a pine skewer 
 through a chunk of butcher s meat. 
 
 There was never anything went on so slick as these critters 
 did, arter they took to hankering arter each other it raly was 
 better than a play to see how they got along. The pothecary 
 chap was a sneezer at figures. He d cyphered thro Dayboll s 
 Arithmetic three times, and could say off the multiplication table 
 without stopping to catch breath. So he sometimes over 
 hauled the milliner s books, not because he wanted to know any 
 thing about them, but cause wome-n folks are so apt to be impos 
 ed on. He writ out her leetle bills, and kept a sort of running 
 notion of her cash accounts, for she warn t much of a judge of 
 money, and so always sent her bank bills over to his shop to 
 know whether they were ginuine or not. She did all these leetle 
 trifles in a delicate genteel sort of a way, that was sartinly very 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 1G1 
 
 gratifying and pleasant to the pothecary ; he raly begun to fat up 
 and grow pussy on the strength ou t; it wouldn t aben human 
 natur if he hadn t. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess was a setting in her back shop a think 
 ing over the pothecary chap, and the dollars and cents she d 
 skinned out of the gals wages that week, a making them work at 
 half price because the times were so lad, when the pothecary 
 came a tip-toeing through the store looking as tickled as if he d 
 found a sixpence. He took two ball tickets out of his vest pock 
 et and held one on em out to the milliner, and stood a bowing 
 and a grinning like a darned babboon till she read the writin 
 on it. 
 
 " I raly don t know what to say," sez she, " I never have been 
 to the Tammany hall, and I I " 
 
 " It ll be the top of the notch, this one," sez the chap, " they re 
 a goin to be awful partickler who they invite nothing but the 
 raly genteel who get tickets, I promise em." 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess puckered up her mouth, and said "she 
 didn t know : she was afeard she might meet with some of the 
 working classes she " 
 
 Don t say no it ll break my heart, it will sartinly," sez the 
 lovyer. " Don t drive me to takin pison on your account oh 
 don t." 
 
 Miss Josephine kinder started up gave a sort of a scream and 
 said she wouldn t drive the pothecary to taking pison, and that 
 she would go the ball. The ininit she said that the leetle chap 
 went right off into a fit of the dreadful suz : he slumped right 
 down on his marrow bones, and begun to nibble away like all 
 natur at the four little fingers, that stuck out of Miss Josephine 
 Burgess s right hand mit. 
 
 " Oh, say only jest one thing more % and I shall be so happy, I 
 ehall want to jump out of my skin," sez he, all in a twitteration. 
 
 41 Oh, dear me, what do you mean ? I swanny, I m all in a 
 fluster," sez she. 
 
 " Here, down on my knees, I ask, I entreat, I conjure, most 
 
 beautiful of wimmen folks," sez he, " that you he my partner, 
 
 not only at the ball, but through this ere mortal life, that is a 
 
 stretching before us like a great paster lot covered over with tan 
 
 11 
 
162 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 sey, wild rhubarb and sage roots all in bloom don t blush, my 
 angel, but speak I" 
 
 Now Miss Josephine knew as well as could be, that it was the 
 fashion to feel dreadfully at sich times to get up a caniption fit, 
 or any how to give right up and set kivered all over with blush 
 es ; but the bit of cotton wool that she used always to put on her 
 blushes with, was tucked away in the top of her stocking, and 
 she couldn t get at it handy without being seen. So she pucker 
 ed up her mouth and looked as if she had just lost her 
 granny. 
 
 44 Give me one word of hope, now du," sez the anxious pothe- 
 cary, a squeezing the milliner s hand, mit and all, between both of 
 his, and a twisting his head a one side, and a rolling up his eyes, 
 like a hen that s jest done drinking. 
 
 " Oh dear suz, what can I answer ?" sez Miss Josephine Bur 
 gess, a wriggling her shoulders and kivering up her face with one 
 hand, " I never felt so in all my life dear me." 
 
 " Don t spurn me away from these ere leetle feet nobody will 
 ever love yon so agin," sez the anxious chap, and with that he 
 struck his hand sort of fierce agin his heart, that was floundering 
 away under his yaller vest like a duck in a mud-puddle. 
 
 44 Git np oh du," sez Miss Josephine, catching a sly peek at 
 the pothecary, through her fingers. 
 
 41 One word of hope," sez the chap, a giving his bosom ano 
 ther tarnal dig ; " say that you will be mine." 
 
 44 I ll think about it," sez Miss Josephine Burgess, a sighing 
 through her fingers. 
 
 44 Say that you will be mine, or I will die on this ere very spot, 
 and be sent down to posterity a living monument of wimmen s 
 hard-heartedness," sez the pothecary, a running his fingers 
 through his hair, till it stuck up sort of wild every which way 
 over his head. 44 Do you want to make this ere body a morter, 
 and pound my loving heart to pieces with the pestle of delay ? 
 If not, speak and say that my love is returned." 
 
 41 It is," said Miss Josephine Burgess, kinder faint from behind 
 her hand. * 
 
 44 Angelic critter," sez the lovyer. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 163 
 
 "Now leave me," sez Miss Josephine Burgess. 
 
 44 Harnsomest of created wimmcn! I will," sez the Apothecary. 
 
 "Oh how my heart beats," sez Miss Josephine Burgess. 
 
 " And mine," sez the Apothecary, a getting up and a spreading 
 his hand out on his yaller vest. 
 
 u Leave me now," sez Miss Josephine Burgess. 
 
 u My dear critter, I will," sez the pothecary. 
 
 With that he made tracks across the street, opened his empty 
 money drawer with a sort of a chuckle, as much as to say, " if 
 you re starved out in this way much longer I lose my guess," and 
 then he drank off a glass of cold water, with a leetle brandy 
 in it. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess sat still as a mouse, till the pothecary 
 chap made himself scarce, then she let down her hands and took 
 a squint in the glass to see how her face stood it. Arter that 
 she went to a big drawer, where she kept her slickest dr} goods, 
 and cut off a lot of shiney red velvet, which she took up stairs, 
 and told the gal that had charge of the work-room, to have it 
 made up into a ball dress before the gals went home. The ten 
 poor tired young critters were jest a beginning to think about 
 going hum to supper, but they sot down agin and looked in each 
 other s faces, as melancholy as could be, but said nothing. The 
 young gal that had charge of the work-room, happened to say 
 that in the course of a week they would have a prime lot of rod 
 velvet bonnets to sell. At this Miss Josephine Burgess looked &s 
 cross as if she d swallowed a paper of darning needles, and told 
 the young gal to hold her tongue, and mind her own business. 
 At this the young gal drew up, and was a going to give the milli 
 ner her change back agin, but jest that minit she happened tu 
 think that taking sarce from a stuck up critter was bad enough, 
 but that starving was a good deal worse ; and so she choked iu 
 and went to work at the dress, with her heart a swelling in her 
 harnsome bosom, like a bird when it s first caught. 
 
 u Don t let them gals go to sleep over their work," sez Mis* 
 Josephine Burgess, as she was a going down stairs. 
 
 The young gal who had charge of the work-roort, said some* 
 thing sort of loud about people s having no feeling. 
 
164 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 " "What s that you say ?" sez Miss Josephine Burgess, a coin 
 ing back as spiteful as could be. 
 
 "Nothing," sez the young gal who had charge of the work 
 room. 
 
 " It s well you didn t," sez the milliner, and with that she 
 *vent down stairs, and the poor tuckered out young critters didn t 
 get hum to supper till ten o clock at night, because they had to 
 stay and finish off Miss Josephine Burgess s ball finery. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess was a sitting in u.e leetle room up 
 over her store, ready dressed for the ball, when the little appren 
 tice gal cum up and told her, that the gentleman from over the 
 way was a waiting down stairs. The milliner jumped up and 
 began to wriggle about afore the looking glass to be sartin that 
 the red velvet frock, the golden chain, and the heap of posies 
 that she d twistified in her hair, were all according to gunter. 
 Arter she d took a purty gineral survey, she went down stairs 
 about the darndest stuck up critter that you ever sot eyes on. 
 
 The pothecary stood afore the looking glass a trying to coax 
 his hair to curl a leetle, and a pulling up fust one side of his 
 white satin stock and then t other, to make it set up parpendicu- 
 lar. He d got a leetle speck of dirt on his silk stockings and his 
 shiney dancing pumps, a coming across the street, so he took his 
 white hankercher out of his pocket and began to dust them off; 
 out the ininit, Miss Josephine Burgess cum in he stopped short, 
 stepped back agin the wall, and held up both hands as if he raly 
 didn t know what to du with himself, and sez he 
 
 " I never did ! Talk about the Venus de Medici, or the New 
 York beauty 1 Did ever anything come up to that are ?" 
 
 Arter this bust of feeling, he gin a spring fore d and ketching 
 her hand, eenamost eat it up, he kissed so consarned eager. It 
 didn t seem as if there was any contenting the darn d love-sick 
 3oot. But when he hung on too hard, the milliner s vartuous in 
 dignation begun to bile up, and so he choked off and begged her 
 pardon ; but said he couldn t help it, as true as the world he 
 couldn t, his heart was brim full and a running over. 
 
 I ruther guess the people stared a few when the leetle pothe- 
 V&ry walked along the Tammany ball-room with Miss Josephine 
 
BY JONATHAN 8LICK. 165 
 
 Burgess, in her red velvet and golden chains, a hanging on Ing 
 arm. Sich dashers didn t show themselves at every ball by a 
 great sight. There was a giuuino touch of the aristocracy in the 
 way the leetle po tnecarv turned up his nose, and flourished his 
 white gloves; and when they stood up to dance, Miss Josephine 
 held out her red velvet, and stuck out her foot, and curcheyed 
 away as slick as any of the Broadway gals could a done it. But 
 jest as she was a going to dance, who should stand afore her in 
 the same reel but the very young gal that took charge of her 
 work-room. The milliner had jest took a fold of the red velvet 
 between her thumb and finger, and was flourishing out her foot 
 to balance up as genteel as could be, but the minit she ketched 
 sight of the working gal, she gin her head a toss and reaching 
 out her hand to the pothecary, walked off to a seat in a fit of 
 outraged dignity that was raly beautiful to look at. Arter this 
 Miss Josephine Burgess said she wouldn t try to dance among 
 sich low critters ; and so she and the pothecary sidled about, eat 
 peppermint drops and talked soft sodder to one another alers 
 taking care to turn up their noses when the hamsome working 
 gal cum withiir gun-shot of em. 
 
 "Who can that gentleman be, that s a eyeing me through his 
 glass," sez Miss Josephine Burgess to the pothecary, " what 
 harnsome whiskers he s got, did you ever?" 
 
 44 1 don t see anything over genteel in him, any how," sez the 
 pothecary a looking sort of oneasy. "I really can t see how 
 you ladies can take a fancy to so much hair." 
 
 " But how nicely he s dressed," sez she. 
 
 " I aint over fond of shaggy vests and checkered trousers," 
 says the pothecary. 
 
 " Dear me he s coming this way," sez the milliner all in a twit 
 ter, " I hope he wont think of speaking." 
 
 "I hope so" too," sez the pothecary, a looking as if he d jest 
 eat a sour lemon, without any sweetening. 
 
 The chap corne along sort of easy and independent, and stood 
 close by em. 
 
 "Shan t we go t other end of the room?" sez the pothecary 
 to the milliner, kinder half whispering, and a eyeing the strange 
 chap as savage as a meat-ax. " Not yet," sez the milliner, giv- 
 
166 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 ing a slantindicularsort of a look at the strange chap. Ht. wasr. t 
 a feller to be sneezed at in the way of good looks any how, nor 
 a man that was likely to lose anything by his bashfulness ; for it 
 warn t more than three minutes afore he asked the milliner to 
 dance, and walked her out as crank as could be, right afore the 
 pothecary s face. Didn t the poor leetle chap look wainble- 
 cropped when he see that. There he stood all alone in a corner, 
 feeling as sick as if he d swallowed a dose of his own doctor s 
 stuff, and there he had to stand; for arter the tall chap and Miss 
 Josephine Burgess had got through danc ng, they sot down to 
 gether by a winder and begun to look soft sodder at one another, 
 and talk away as chipper as two birds on an apple tree limb in 
 spring time. It didn t do no good for the pothecary to rile t~p 
 and make motions to her she didn t seem to mind him a bit ; so 
 he stood still and grit his teeth, for it seemed to him as if the 
 milliner and the red velvet, besides the account books, the stock 
 in trade, and the hard chink too, was a sliding out of his grip 
 like a wet eel. 
 
 " Darn the feller to darnation," sez he, arter he d bore it as 
 long as he could and with that he went up to Miss Josephine 
 Burgess, sort of humble, and asked her if it wasn t about time 
 to be a going hum? 
 
 The milliner said she wasn t in any hurry about it, and went 
 to talking with the tall chap agin. It was as much as the poor 
 iovyer could do to keep from busting out a crying, or a swear 
 ing, he warn t partic lar which; he felt all struck up of a heap, 
 and went off to his corner agin as lonesome as a goose without 
 a mate. 
 
 By-am-by the milliner she come up and told him she was 
 about ready to go hum ; the tall chap he went down stairs with 
 them, and stood a kissing his hand to her till she got into the 
 street. The pothecary raly felt as if he should bust, and he gin 
 her a purty decent blowing up as they went along Chatham- 
 street. She didn t give him much of an answer though, for her 
 head was chuck full of the tall chap s soft sodder, and she didn t 
 know more than half of what he was a jawing about. 
 
 The leetle pothecary went hum and hurried up to bed, but all 
 he /.aid flu he couldn t get a wink of sleep. He got up ariy in 
 
BY JONA/HAN SLICK. 167 
 
 the morning, but ho hadn t no appetite for his breakfast, and 
 kinder hung about his shop door a keeping a good look out to see 
 if anybody went to the milliner s, and a wondering if it was best 
 for him to go over and see how she seemed to be arter what he d 
 said to her the night afore. So he brushed up his hair and was 
 just taking his hat to go over and try his luck, when a harnsome 
 green buggy waggon hauled up jest agin the milliner s, and out 
 jumped the tall chap with the whiskers. 
 
 The pothecary he turned as white as a sheet and begun to 
 cuss and swear like all natur. He had plenty of time to let his 
 wrathy feelings bile over, for it was more than three hours afore 
 the green buggy waggon driv away agin. The minit it was out 
 of sight, the pothecary snatched up his hat and scooted across 
 the street like a crazy critter. Miss Burgess was a sitting in her 
 leetle back room dressed out like anything. This made him, 
 more wrathy than he was afore, for she never dressed out when 
 he was a coming, so he went straight up to her, and sez he, sort 
 of wrathy, 
 
 "Miss Josephine Burgess, what am I to think of this ere treat 
 ment ?" 
 
 The milliner looked up as innocent as a kitten, as if she hadn t 
 the least idee what he meant. 
 
 "What treatment?" sez she, as mealy-mouthed as could be. 
 
 The pothecary felt as if he should choke ; he griped his hand, 
 and the words came out of his mouth like hot bullets. 
 
 " Oh you perfidious critter, yon," sez he, "how can you look 
 in my face arter you ve been a sitting three hull hours with that 
 darn d nasty tall coot that you danced with all the time last 
 night." 
 
 "I m sure I don t know what you mean more than nothing. I 
 danced with a gentleman last night, and he has been here this 
 morning, but I raly don t see why you should trouble yourself 
 about it," sez Miss Josephine, a taking up her work, and a begin 
 ning to sew as easy as she ever did in her life. 
 
 The pothecary was so mad, he couldn t but jest speak out loud. 
 ** Look a here, Miss Burgess," sez he, a speaking sort of hoarse, 
 "aint we as good as married? didn t you engage yourself to met 
 
168 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 and wasn t the day eenajest sot afore that consamed ctarnal 
 ball ?" 
 
 " !N"ot that I ever knew on," says Miss Burgess, a pinning a 
 pink bow on to a bonnet she was to work on, and a holding it 
 out to see how it looked, " I raly don t know what you mean." 
 
 The pothecary begun to tremble all over, he was so tarnal 
 mad to see her setting there as cool as a cucumber. 
 
 " You don t know what I mean, do you ?" sez he. " Look a 
 here, inarm, haint I been to see you off and on for more than a year ? 
 Haint I footed up your books and made out bills and done all 
 your out-door business, this ever so long ? Haint I give you 
 ounces on ounces of jujube paste, emptied a hull jar of lemon 
 drops, and more than half kept you in peari powder and cold 
 cream ?" 
 
 " Wai, you needn t talk so loud and tell everybody of it," sez 
 the milliner a going on with her work all the time, but the leetle 
 chap had got his grit up, and there was no " who" to him. On 
 he went like a house afire. 
 
 " "Wasn t it me that stopped you from taking them are darn d 
 Brandreth s pills. Didn t I tell you they warn t no better than 
 rank pisin, and that no rale lady would ever think of stuffing her 
 self with such humbug trash ? I ll be choked if I don t wish I d 
 let you swaller fifty boxes or em i wisn I had I do by gra 
 cious !" 
 
 " Don t make such a noise," sez the milliner, "it wont do no 
 good, I can tell you." 
 
 " Wont it though? wont it? I rather guess you ll find out in 
 the end. I ll sue you for a breach of promise if I don t jest 
 tell me on t, that s all." 
 
 The pothecary was a going on to say a good deal more, but 
 jest as he begun to let off steam agin some customers come into 
 the front shop. Miss Josephine Burgess put down her work and 
 went out as if nothing on arth had happened. The pothecary 
 waited a few minits a biling over with spite, and then he kicked 
 a bonnet block across the room, upset a chair, and cut off through 
 the store like all possessed. The milliner was a bargaining away 
 with, her customers for dear life she looked up and larfed a little 
 
BT JONATHAN SLICK. 169 
 
 easy, as the poor feller sneaked through the store, and that was 
 nl) she cared about K. 
 
 The poor coot of an apothecary went over to his shop and 
 dammed the door tu hard enough to shake the house down. 
 Then lie went l/ck of the counter, took down a jar full of cor 
 rosive supplement and poured some on it out in a tumbler, but 
 somehow there was something in the thought of dying all of a 
 sudden, that didn t exactly come up to his idee of comfort; so he 
 poured hack the pison and took a mint julep instead that sort 
 of cooled him down a trifle so he made up his mind to put off 
 drinking the pison till by-am-by. 
 
 Every day for three weeks that green buggy waggon, and the 
 tall Man with the whiskers, stopped before Miss Josephine B ur 
 ge v , door. The Apothecary grit his teeth and eyed the pisin with 
 8 awful desperate look every time the buggy came in sight ; and 
 " hen he heard that Miss Josephine Burgess was a gitting her 
 redding frock made, and was raly a going to be married to a 
 oreign chap as rich as a Jew, that had fallen in love with her at 
 k he Tammany ball, he filled the tumbler agin brimming full, and 
 then chucked the pison in the grate, and said he d be darned if 
 he made sich an etarnal fool of himself any longer ; the critter 
 wasn t worth taking a dose of salts for, much less a tumbler brim 
 full of pison. Arter this he bore up like a man ; and one day 
 when he saw the green buggy come a trifle arlier than ever it did 
 afore, and see the tall chap jump out all dressed off tu kill, with 
 white gloves on, and a white hankercher a streaming out of 
 his coat pocket, he jest put his teeth together and looked on till 
 he saw Miss Josephine Burgess come out with a white silk bon 
 net on, and a great long white veil streaming over it, and see her 
 take a seat in the buggy waggon with the tall man in whiskers. 
 It wasn t no news to him when he heard that Miss Josephine 
 Burgess was married, and had sold out her shop ; but when he 
 heard that the young gal that took charge of the work-room had 
 got some relation to buy out the stock for her, the apothecary 
 brightened up like anything; and he -vras heard to say that arter 
 all the young gal that took charue of the work-room wasn t to 
 be grinned at in a fog ; for his part, he thought her full as ham- 
 some as Miss Josephine Burgess. 
 
170 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 There was no two ways about it,- Miss Josephine Burgess was 
 raly married to the tall man in whiskers, and she had sold out to 
 the young gal that had taken charge of the work-room. About 
 three days arter the wedding, the tall man with whiskers sot in the 
 room over what had been Miss Josephine Burgess s store, and leetle 
 she that had been Miss Josephine Burgess herself, sot in the tall 
 man s lap, with one arm round his neck. Her purty slim fin 
 gers had been a playing with his shiny black curls so long that 
 some of the black color came off and made them leetle fingers 
 look sort of *nutty. Once in a while th.e bride would pat the 
 tall man s cl/eek and call him a naughty critter, and ask him how 
 many ladies he d been in love with afore he see her; and the 
 tall man would say " not one upon my honor!" at which she 
 would pat his cheek agin and say she didn t believe a word on 
 it. Then the tall man in whiskers would begin to look as if he 
 raly had been a killing critter with the women folks, and would 
 say that he wouldn t deny it he had now and then his leetle 
 flirtations, like all men of rale fashion but he d never in his 
 whole life took sick a notion to a critter as he had to her. "With 
 that Miss Josephine Burgess (that was) would fling both of her 
 arms round the tall man s neck, and declare that there was not 
 so proud and happy a critter on the hull arth as she was. 
 
 Wai, arter this, the tall man in wiskers took hold of the chain 
 that his bride had round her neck, and sez he, u My dear love, I 
 raly can t bear to see you rigged out in these ere old fashioned 
 things. When you Avas only a milliner they did well enough, but 
 now you musn t wear no jewelry that aint at the top of the 
 notch ; jest pack all on em up, that are watch of your n and all, 
 find I ll go and swap em off for a set of jewelry that s worth 
 while. When I take you hum among all my folks, they d larf 
 at these awk ard things." 
 
 With that the bride begun to looked streaked enough, so she 
 got to work and lugged out all the gold things she had ; her 
 watch and great heavy chain, and ear-rings, and ever so many 
 giin-cracks. So the tall man put them all in his pocket and took 
 up his hat, and sez he, " I ll soon get rid of these ee things, and 
 bring you something that is something." 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess that was, said there never was 30 kind 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 171 
 
 a critter, and jest to let her see that she wasn t much out in say 
 ing that are, he cum back from the door, and sez he, "Seeing as 
 I m a going out, I may as \\vll take that are little sum of money 
 and put in some bank for you; of course I don t want anything 
 of it, but it raly don t seem jest safe here, among all these sew- 
 inir guls." Miss Josephine Burgess that was went to her chest 
 of drawers and took out a heap of bank bills and cave them to 
 him. The tall man in whiskers put the bills in his trousers 
 pocket, buttoned it up tight, then give the pocket a leetle sfap 
 and was a going out agin. But Miss Josephine Burgess that was 
 she follered arter and sticking her head through the door she 
 sung out sort of easy, sez she, 
 
 ;i My dear darling, you ve forgot something!" 
 
 44 You don t say so," sez the tall man in whiskers, and he stood 
 up straight as a loon s leg, " what is it any more jewelry, my 
 pet?" 
 
 44 Can t you guess?" said Miss Josephine Burgess that was, 
 gort of sly, a twisting her head a one side, and pussiug out hei 
 mouth awful tempting. 
 
 44 Oh," sez the man in whiskers, and then there was a litt o 
 noise as if a bottle of Newark cider had been uncorked kinder 
 easy. 
 
 44 You ll come right straight back, dear?" sez Miss Josephine 
 Burgess that was, a running to the door agin "you will, won t 
 you ?" 
 
 1 Sartinly, my sweet love," sez the tall man in whiskers, a 
 stopping on the stairs and kissing her hand over the railing. 
 
 44 By-by," sez Miss Josephine Burgess that was. 
 
 44 By-by," sez the tall man in whiskers. 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess that was sot by the window and 
 looked arter the tall man till he got eenamost down to Chatham 
 square. She waited a hull hour and he didn t come back ; then 
 she waited two hours; then all, night; and the next week and 
 the next, till she d been a waiting three hull months, and arter 
 all the tall man in whiskers didn t seem to hurry himself a 
 bit, 
 
 About a year arter the Tammany ball, the leetle pothecary 
 was sitting in the back room of what onoe was Miss Josephine 
 
172 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Burgess s milliner store his wife that used to take charge of the 
 work-room, stood close by; and the pothecary was a looking ovei 
 his wife s day book. Jest as he was a adding up a tarnal long 
 row of figures, one of the hands come down stairs and was a go 
 ing out. 
 
 " Look a here, Miss Josephine Burgess, or Miss what s your 
 name." sez the pothecary, " if you re determined to go home 
 the ininit your hour is up, these hurrying times, it s my idee that 
 you d better look out for some other shop to work in." 
 
 The color riz up in the poor woman s face, but it was her turn 
 to be snubbed and drove about, without daring to say her soul 
 was her own. So instead of riling up, she spoke as meek as 
 could be, and sez she, " I aint very well, I ve got a dreadful 
 headache." 
 
 u Cant help that," sez the pothecary, " we pay you twenty 
 shillings a week, fust rate wages, to work, so you may jest step 
 back to the work-room with your headache, or I ll dock off fifty 
 cents when it comes Saturday night if you don t. Go troop I ll 
 have you to know you aint mistress in this shop, or master 
 neither." 
 
 Miss Josephine Burgess had a temper of her own, but she 
 owed for her board, and so choked in and went up stairs as 
 rnad as all natur. 
 
 The apothecary s wife was a good hearted critter, and it raly 
 made her feel bad to see her old boss used so. 
 
 " Don t speak so to her," sez she to the pothecary, "she raly 
 looks tired and sick, don t hurt her feelings." 
 
 " Humbug," sez the pothecary, stretching himself up, and a 
 buttoning his trousers pocket as pompously as could be, " hum 
 bug, what bisness have sewing girls with feelings." 
 
 " I was a sewing gal once," sez the pothecary s wife. 
 
 "Yes and how did that darned stuck up critter use you, tell 
 me that ?" sez he. 
 
 The pothecary s wife didn t answer; but the minit her Iras- 
 band had gone out she went into the kitchen and took a bowl of 
 ginuine hot tea up to the work room. Miss Josephine Burgess 
 that was, sot on a stool looking as mad as a march hare ; she be 
 gan to sew as soon as the pothecary s wife come in, as grouty 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 173 
 
 8 could be ; but when the kind critter gin her the bowl of tea, and 
 told her it would be good for her head-ache, the poor sewing 
 girl boo-hooed right out a crying. 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XVII. 
 
 Jonathan gets 111 and Homesick Resists all entreaties to go to 
 Washington, and resolves on going back to " the Humstead " with 
 Captain Doolittle. 
 
 DRAB PAR : 
 
 Wai, arter writing that story about the Bowery Milliner, I be 
 gun to think York was a going to be rather too hot to hold me. 
 All the boss milliners in York got into a tantrum and kicked up 
 sich a darned rumpus that I raly begun to be afear d that they d 
 cum down to my office in Cherry-street, and get up a fourth of 
 July oration, or a she caucus, and girt me to death in a pair of 
 them darned French corsets. But the peaked little working gals, 
 they were cenamost tickled to death with that story, and there 
 warn t no eend to the harnsome sweet critters that cum to my 
 office a crying and yet half a smiling, to thank me for taking up 
 on their side. One thing though made me feel bad enough. 
 That etarnal leetle stuck up old maid got so all fired wrothy that 
 she turned Susan Read out of her place, and cheated her out of 
 ?ome of her wages too. Darn her it makes me gritty only jest 
 to think on it. But she d better look out, I can tell her; for if 
 I take her up agin, consarn me if I don t use her up till she aint 
 bigger than the tip eend of a pine stick whittled down to no 
 thing. 
 
 Wai, as the spring come on I began to git peaked, and every 
 morning felt sort of wamblecropped in my stomach when I 
 woke up. I s pose it was cause I cou.dn t git pork and dande- 
 lines and prime fresh young onions right out of the arth, as I 
 used tu to hum. The editors of the Express, they wanted me to 
 
174 HIGH LIFE IN NEW VORK. 
 
 take an emetic, but I told em I couldn t think of sich a thing, it 
 was agin natur. I looked sort of solemn, jest as I always do 
 when they use any of them French words that I don t under 
 stand, and made up my mind to look in Boyer s Dictionary, 
 and find out the meaning of emetic the fust thing arter I 
 got hum. 
 
 "Wai," sez they, "if you don t like that, Mr. Slick, s posing 
 you take a trip to the Seat of Gineral Government, and see how 
 them Loco Foco chaps are a carrying on there, it 11 answer all 
 the same." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, arter thinking it all over in arnest, " it seems to 
 me as if I was kinder hankering arter the green trees and the 
 grass and cows, and the wind that comes straight down from 
 heaven, where you can breathe it out on your own hook, and 
 not take it second hand, as we do in York. I raly think I should 
 feel like a new critter if I could only go hum a spell and weed 
 the young onions." With that I begun to think about the hum- 
 sted, and how it was gitting towards planting time ; and think 
 sez I, par 11 miss me about these times, and marm too, for 
 she wont have any body to do her milking when it rains, nor 
 to bring water and du up all the leetle chores that I al rs did for 
 her. Then I seemed to see our orchard all a leaving out thick 
 and kivered over with apple blows ; and it seemed tu me as if I 
 was a setting on the stun wall, jest as I used to when I was a 
 leetle shaver, a looking how fast the grass grew and a wonder 
 ing how long it would be afore green apple time. There was the 
 well-crotch and the pole, and the bucket a hanging to it, as 
 plain as day, and the peach tree that grows by it chuck full of 
 pink blows. There was you a gitting out the oxen to go to plough 
 ing, and there was marm out in the meadow at the back door, a 
 picking plantin leaves for greens, with her old sun bonnet on, 
 and a tin pail to put the greens in. 
 
 Oh dear, how humsick I did feel ! I could a boo-hooed right 
 out, if it would a done any good, when I sort of come tu, and 
 found out that I was setting in the Express office, with nothing 
 but picters of that old critter, Gineral Harrison, and a heap of 
 newspapers scattered every which way over the floor, to look at 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 175 
 
 " Wai," sez tlie Editor, sez lie, " Mr. Slick, what do you think 
 about it? you raly ought to go to Washington, to see the Presi 
 dent and the lions." 
 
 I put one leg over t other, and winked my eyelids for fear he d 
 see how near I come to crying ; and arter a leetle while, sez I 
 
 "I haint no kind of doubt that that are Washington is a 
 smasher of a city ; but somehow, if you d jest as livs, I d a lee 
 tle ruther go hum." 
 
 " Y&y sez he, " I haint the least doubt on it ; but then, if you 
 git out of the city, it don t make much difference which way 
 you go." 
 
 I see that he d made up his mind to have his own way ; but 
 think sez I, you don t git it without another tough pull, anyhow; 
 BO sez I 
 
 "I raly feel as if I must doctor a leetle; and when a feller 
 feels tuckered out, or down-hearted, there is no place like hum, 
 if it s ever so homely, and nobody can Lake care of a feller like 
 his own marm. Now I know jest how it ll be the minit I giS 
 hum, the old woman will go to making root-beer ; she ll sarch 
 all over the woods for saxafax-buds to make tea on, and there ll 
 be no eend to the snake root and fennel seed bitters that sho ll 
 make me drink. I raly feel as if I must go ; so don t you say 
 any more about it," sez I ; I shall come back agin as bright as 
 a new dollar." 
 
 If there is anything on arth that holds on hard, it s a York 
 Editor; a lamper-eel is nothing to one on em. They d have 
 their own way, if the Old Nick himself stood afore them as big 
 as tbe side of a house. 
 
 By-am-by the hull truth come out ; sez the Editor, sez ne, a 
 speaking as soft and mealy-mouthed as could be, sez he 
 
 " But, Mr. Slick, yon can t write any letters for us in Wea- 
 thersfield; so jest make up your mind to start right off. YDU 
 can go hum any time." 
 
 44 But I want to doctor," sez I. 
 
 "Oh, take a box of Sherman s cough lozengers," sez he, a 
 smiling ; u they cured you last winter, you know." With that, 
 ho let off a stream of soft sodder, sez he, " a man of your talents 
 oughtn t to bury himself in the country. The members of GOJ\- 
 
176 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 gress are all a-tip-toe to see you, and so are the gals in Washing 
 ton the Russian Elbassador s wife and all on em." 
 
 It warn t in human, natur to stand agin this; so I sort of 
 relented. 
 
 U 0h, you re a joking," sez I, a hitching on my chair; 
 "I don t raly s pose the Washington gals ever heard of me 
 hi their hull lives." 
 
 " Hain t they, though," sez he. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " I should kinder like tu go, jest to see what 
 Congress people look like. I ve a sort of a notion that mehby I 
 shall run for Congressman myself one of these days. I don t 
 believe there s a feller in all York better qualified. When I come 
 away from Weathersfield, I could lick any feller there, big or 
 leetle ; and I ve a sort of a sort of a notion that I can dress out 
 any of them varmints in the Capitol, if they do practice a leetle 
 more than I du." 
 
 The Editor of the Express, he larfed a leetle easy, and sez he, 
 " Well, Mr. Slick, it s ah 1 settled then and the sooner you start 
 the better." 
 
 " I ll think about it," sez I. 
 
 Wai, I went back tu the office and sot down, kinder loth tu 
 go so far from hum as Washington City, and yet anxious to 
 oblige the Editor of the Express ; but all I could du, thoughts 
 of the humsted kept a crowding intu my mind till I couldn t 
 stand it no longer, but kivered up my face with both of ray 
 hands and took tu crying like a sick baby. Jest then while 
 I was a feeling dreadfully somebody opened the door of my 
 office, and in walked Captain Doolittle, with his hand out, and 
 a grinning from ear tu ear as if he was eenajest tickled tu death 
 to see me agin. 
 
 I jumped right up and shook hands with him, while I turned 
 my face away and wiped my eyes with the cuff of my coat, for 
 I felt ashamed to let him ketch me a crying. 
 
 But there is no cheating that old coot, he s wide awake ts 
 a night hawk. 
 
 " Jonathan," sez he, " What s the matter yon look as tbin as 
 a shad in summer consarn me if I don t believ* 
 ooo-hooing." 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 177 
 
 " You ve lost your guess this time," sez I, a trying to put on a 
 etiff upper lip. 
 
 The old f filer, he looked in my fa^e, and then agin on the cuff 
 of my coat then he folded his arms ami stepped ba-ck and eyed 
 me all over, and sez he at last, 
 
 u Jonathan, one thing is sartin, either you ve been a crying, or 
 you ve told a whopper to your old friend, or " 
 
 " Or what ?" sez I, wiping the cuff of my coat on my trou 
 sers leg " or what ?" 
 
 U 0r your deginerated deginerated!" sez he, "deginerated 
 from the Weathersfield stock !" 
 
 " Wai, I don t seem to understand how you ll make that out, " 
 sez I. 
 
 " Jonathan," sez he, as arnest as could be, " there was tears 
 in your eyes jest as I come in, and you was ashamed on em. 
 Now, sich tears as a smart, honest young man may feel in his 
 eyes naturally, are nothing to be ashamed on ; when he gets to 
 thinking of hum or old friends, or perhaps them that are dead 
 and gone, the drops that come up unawares to moisten his eyes 
 ire wholesome to his natur. I ve seen the time, Jonathan, when 
 
 minister s prayer didn t seem half so easing to the heart. An 
 wouest chap might as well feel streaked about saying the Lord s 
 grayer ; for the tears that thinking of them that we love sets a 
 going, have eenamost as much religion in em as singing and 
 praying and going to meeting altogether. Prayer, Jonathan, 
 prayer falls upon the natur like the warm sun on a patch of 
 young onions and tears, ginuine tears that come from tender 
 thoughts, Jonathan, darn me if they ain t the rain that keeps the 
 young shoots green. You wouldn t have been scared about my 
 seeing sich tears, Jonathan, and I know you ve got tu much grit 
 for any other you aint the chap to snuffle and cry because things 
 go crooVed with you I m sartin of that." 
 
 ** I reckon you may be," sez I. 
 
 " Wai, Jonathan," says the captin, a folding his arms close up 
 to the red shirt that kivered his bosom, u there aint but one way 
 of accounting for it. I never would a believed it, but you ve 
 deginerated. These Yorkers have lamed you to be ashamed of 
 eating onions it s jest arter dinner time I seo through it all 
 12 
 
178 HIGH LIFE IN T NEW rOF.K. 
 
 you ve been a thinking of hum, and tried a raw onion for once 
 --your eyes aint used to it now, and that s what makes em so 
 red and misty. I have seen the time, Jonathan Sjick, when you 
 could cut up a hull peck without winking; -I ve seen you cronch 
 one like a meller apple; and now, arter living in York, this ia 
 the eend on t." 
 
 " Corne, captin," sez I, a holding out my hand, " don t make 
 a coot of yourself, I can eat a raw onion without winking as well 
 as ever I could. Seeing as you can peak so consarned far into a 
 mill-stun, I may as well own up and settle the hash to once. I ve 
 been kinder peaked and hum-sick ever since spring opened. I 
 sot down here all alone, got a thinking of old times and things 
 to hum, and that sort of made me cry afore I knew it ; that s the 
 hull truth, and I d jest as livs you knew it as not." 
 
 Oaptin Doolittle, he gin my hand a grip, and sez he, u That s 
 right, Jonathan, own up like a man, I see intu it now hum-sick 
 as git out -just what I wanted. The old sloop is ready to sail 
 right off pack up your saddle-bags, jump aboard, and we ll be 
 in Weathersfield in less than no time. Your, par and mar, and 
 Judy White, and all the folks tu hum will be tickled eenamost tu 
 death to see you." 
 
 I felt my heart jump right intu my mouth, but it sunk agi*. 
 like a chunk of lead when I thought that I d eenajest agreec? co 
 go tu "Washington. " Captin," sez I, " I m afeared I can t go 
 I ve nigh about promised to go tu Washington City." 
 
 " Washington City be darned," sez he, a going intu my back 
 room and a lugging out my saddle-bags; "Washington City can t 
 hold a candle tu Weathersfield this time of the year. You can t 
 think how fresh and green everything looks ; the square beforo 
 the meeting-house is as green as grass can be the laylock trees 
 in front of the humstead are all in full blow we ve had young 
 lettuce and pepper-grass there these three weeks think of that ! 
 with good sharp vinegar, plenty of pepper and salt, and a sprin 
 kle of young onion-tops mixed in jest as they come from the 
 patch by the eend of the barn, Gosh, but don t it make yonr 
 mouth water only to think on it, Jonathan." 
 
 U I swow, captin, there s no standing it, I must go." 
 
 " Sartinly you must the old woman would go off the handle 
 
TJY JC NATHAN PHICE. ! V? 
 
 if I should come back without you and Jiuly White. That Judy 
 is a nation harnsome gal, Jonathan. She told me tu jest mention 
 that the orchard over agin the house was in full blow and every 
 tree chuck full of robins nests. You can smell that orchard 
 half-a-mile off, Jonathan, but Judy says it kinder makes her 
 molencholy tu see the trees a budding out so agin, and the birda 
 a singiii from mornin to night among em, and nobody tu enjoy 
 it but her." 
 
 44 I ll go, by gauly offalus I ll go," sez I, " but wiiafc will tho 
 editors of the Express say," sez I, feelin all over in spots about 
 goin off so. 
 
 "The Express go tu grass," sez Captin Doolittle, a crowding 
 my pepper and salt trousers iutu the saddle-bags. 
 
 "Jest so," sez I, a helping him strap up the bags; " I ll write 
 a letter hum tusay I m jest astartin, and send it through the Ex 
 press, and that will let the editors know what I ve detarmined on." 
 
 " Jest so," sez Captin Doolittle, u and I gaess I ll go aown to 
 the sloop with the saddle-bags. I only jest got in last night, 
 took out the ladin this morning, and we shall be a cuttln down 
 the Eust river afore sunset; quick work, I reckon, don t yu 
 thirjc so, Jonathan ?" 
 
 44 1 should ruthcr think it was," sez I. 
 
 u Wai," sez he, a shoulderin the saddle-bags, " write off the 
 letter and come right down. You mustn t let the grads grow 
 under your feet, now I tell you. Your inarm will be ax>ut the 
 tickledest critter that you ever sot eyes on when you #it back 
 agin she ., got a hull lot of winter apples saved up yit *<gin you 
 cum. I \\\<h you could a seen the old critter a knittin away nil 
 the long winter evenings tu git you a hull grist of socks made 
 up; she seamed every darned one on em clear through, jest 
 because it was for you, Jonathan." 
 
 "You don t say so!" sez I, kinder half cryin agin ; " now da 
 git out, will you? I want tu write my letter " 
 
 With that, the Captin ho went off saddle-bags and all. I sot 
 
 down and wrote off this letter about the quickest, I can tell you. 
 
 I shall send it up tu the Express office, and if we have gvK>d luck, 
 
 it won t be long arter you git it afore you will shake hand* with us. 
 
 Your loving s< n, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK* 
 
180 HIGH LIFE IN NET* i OUK. 
 
 LETTER XVIII. 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK EETUENED. 
 
 Joi athan s Arrival in New York from the onion beds at Weather* 
 field Jonathan puts up at the Astor House His notion of that 
 great heap of gtones Jonathan s Ideas of a New York Cab, and 
 the usual quarrel of a Stranger with Cabmen A Sensation is 
 created at the Astor. 
 
 DEAR PAE: 
 
 Here I am doAvn in York agin, as large as life and as springy 
 as a steel trap. Hurra! but don t it make a feller feel as suple 
 as a green walnut gad to have these stun side walks under his 
 shoe leather once more! I raly felt as if I could a most have 
 jumped over the housen, eend foremost, I was so glad to git 
 ashore at Peck Slip. Captin. Doulittle, he kept his gab a going, 
 a hull hour, a trying to make out it warn t worthy a ginuine 
 Yankee to hanker after the York big bugs so. Now my opinion 
 is, Captin Doolittle ain t no bad judge of onions and other garden 
 sarse, and he did run the old sloop down here as slick as grease, 
 but when he sets himself up to talk about genteel society, he 
 raly is green. 
 
 Look a here, par, did I ever tell you what a looking place that 
 Astor House is? If I didn t, jest you suppose that all the stun 
 walls in old Connecticut had been hewed down as smooth as 
 glass, and heaped together, one a-top of t other, over two acres 
 of clearing, up and up, half away to the sky anJi a leetle over; 
 suppose then the hull etarnal great heap cut up into winders and 
 doors, with almighty great slabs of stun piled up for steps and 
 pillars standing on eend, on the top, to hold them down bigger 
 than the highest oak tree you ever sot eyes on, and then you 
 have some idee what a whopping consarn that Astor House is. 
 
 At fust I felt a leetle skeery at going to board there, for think 
 sez 1, if they charge according to the size of the house, I guess 
 it ll make my puss strings ache; but, think sez I agin, the best 
 
BY JON" ATI! AX SUCK. 191 
 
 taverns, according to my experience, all rs charge the leastest 
 prices, 1 will ^ivc em a try any how. 
 
 I gin a cully on the wharf two cents to go and get a carriage 
 for me, for I meant to du the tiling up in genteel style, and cut 
 the hull figger when I once begun. Besides, the cabin was so 
 stived up with onion barrels and heaps of red cabbages, besides 
 the turnips and winter squashes, that I hadn t no room to fix up 
 in till I got a hum somewhere else, and my dandy clothes have 
 got a leetle the wus for wear, and don t cut quite so much of & 
 clash as they used tu. I hadn t but jest time to rub them down 
 a trifle with a handful of oat straw that I took from one of the 
 winter apple barrels, and to slick down my hair a few, with both 
 my hands, when the nigger cum back and said he couldn t find a 
 carriage, but he d got a fust rate cab. 
 
 Sartinly that cab was one of the darndest queer animals that 
 ever run arter a hoss. It looked like a set of stairs on wheels, 
 with a great overgrown leather trunk sot on eend half way up, 
 wiih the lid turned over one side. The horse was hitched to the 
 lowermost step, and on the top step of all, clear back, sot a feller 
 histed up in the air with a great long whip, and lines that reach 
 ed clear over the hull consurn to the horse s head, and this chap 
 was the driver ; but he looked as if he d been sot there wrong 
 eend foremost, and felt awfully streaked and top-heavy about it. 
 It raly was curious to watch the chap as he laid his lines on the 
 top of the box and crept down stairs to stow away my saddle 
 bags and the hair trunk that inarm gin me. When he d got 
 through, I jest lifted one foot from the ground, and there I sot in 
 a little cushioned pen, like a rooster in a strange coop, or a rat in 
 an empty meal bin. The feller slam d tu the door and went up 
 the steps behind agin, then I ketched sight of the lines a dang 
 ling over head, like a couple of ribbon snakes a twisting about 
 in the sunshine; and away we went trundling along like a great 
 oversized wheelbarrow, with a horse before, a driver behind, anil 
 a poor unfortunate critter like me cooped in the middle, with a 
 trunk and pair of saddle-bags for company. 
 
 Well, on we went hitch-a-te-hitch, jerk-a-ty-jerk through the 
 carts and horses till we got out of the slip, and then we kept oc 
 
12 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 a leetle more regular till by-and-by the horse he stopped all of 
 himself jest afore the Astor House. 
 
 "Wai," sez I to the driver, a feeling in my trousers 1 pocket 
 for a ninepence lor the nigger told me that them new fangled 
 cabs had sot up a sort of cheap opposition to the hacks so 
 eez I, 
 
 "Wai, what s the damage?" 
 
 "Only a dollar," sez he, a giving my saddle-bags and trunk a 
 jerk onto the steps, and eying my old dandy clothes sort of su 
 percilious, as if he thought it would be a tough job for me to 
 hand over the chink. I begun to rile up a leetle, but arter a 
 ininit I happened to think that no ginuine gentleman ever gits 
 mad with sich a ruff scuff, so I jest looked in his face, and sez I, 
 
 "How you talk!" 
 
 With that I gin him a quarter of a dollar, for I didn t want to 
 T>e mean ; but the varmint begun to bluster up as if he wanted to 
 kick up a tantrum. I didn t seem to mind it, but the critter 
 hung on yit for a whole dollar, like a dog to a sassafras root, and 
 when some waiters cum down and took away my things, he fol 
 lowed, and ketching hold of the saddle-bags, said the things 
 shouldn t go till he d got his pay. With that I went up to him 
 agin, and sez I, 
 
 "Make yourself scarce, you etarnal mean coot, or I ll give you 
 the purtyest specimen of Weathersfield sole leather that you 
 ever sot eyes on one that ll send you up them wheelbarrow 
 steps of yourn swifter than you cum down, a darned sight. You 
 needn t look at me I m in arnest, and I ll du it, or my name 
 aint Jonathan Slick." 
 
 Oh human natur , how the varmint wilted down when I said 
 this ; he took off his hat, and sez he as mean as a frozen pota- 
 ter says he, 
 
 " I didn t know as it was you." 
 
 "I rather guess you didn t," says I. 
 
 The feller seemed to feel so sheepish that it sort of mollified 
 me, and so I up and gave him another four-pence-ha penny. 
 With that I went up the steps, up and up till I cum to a great 
 long stun hall that reached tu all creation, with a kind of a bar- 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 183 
 
 room at one end. It was a sort of a stun side-walk a shut up in 
 6, bouse ; for lots of men were talking and walking about as easy 
 as if they d been in the street. I went up to the bar-room, where 
 a chap sot with sour looks, as if he felt to hum all over, and 
 says I 
 
 "Do you take in boarders here?" 
 
 The chap looked at me from the top of my head to the sole of 
 my foot, as if he d never seen a full sized Yankee in his life ; and 
 after fidgeting about, says he 
 
 " Yes, we du sometimes, but mebby you ve mistook the place." 
 
 " I reckon not," says I. " How much du you charge a week? 
 1 paid two dollars and fifty cents down in Cher ry -street, but I 
 s pose you go as high as four dollars, or say /our fifty." 
 
 The feller looked sort of flustered ; so thinks says I, I haint 
 got up the notch yet, so I ll give one more hist. 
 
 44 Wai, sir, it goes agin the grain ; but seeing as it s the Astor 
 House, per aps I might give as high as five dollars, if you d 
 throw in the washing. I aint hard on clothes, say a shirt and 
 three dickeys, with a pair of yarn socks a week, and a silk han- 
 kerclier once a fortnight. I shall have to be a trifle extravagant 
 in that line." 
 
 The feller grew red in the face, and looked as if he was tick 
 led tu death at gitting such an offer. Think sez I, I hope to gra 
 cious I htiint made a coot of myself, and bid up too high. I got 
 so consarned before the chap spoke, that I sort of wanted to git 
 off edgeways. There was a great day-book a lying by him, and 
 eez I 
 
 "I see you trust out board by your books; but I m ready to 
 hand over every Saturday night; so per haps you ll take less for 
 cash." 
 
 The feller sort of choked in a larf, and sez he 
 
 "That aint a day-book, only one we keep for folks that come 
 here to write down their names in." 
 
 Think sez I, I guess I ll write my name, and then he ll sethat 
 he s got hold of a cute hand for a bargain, and may dock off a 
 trifle on that are five dollars. 
 
 44 0," sez I, " that s it ; well, give us hold here, and I ll write 
 my name right off for you." 
 
184 HIGH LIFE IN NF.TV TOT1K. 
 
 The feller handed over the pen. I stretched out ny right arm, 
 turned the cuff of my coat over, flourished off a long-tailed J, 
 till the ink spattered all over the book ; then I streaked along to 
 the S, curled it up harnsomely, and finished off with a K that 
 would have made Mr. Goldsmith, the writing-master, in Broad 
 way, feel awk ard if he d seen it. 
 
 I wish you could have seen that Astor House chap, when he 
 read the name ; he looked as if he didn t know what to du, but 
 at last he stepped back, and he made a bow, and sez he, 
 
 " Mr. Slick, we are glad to see you at the Astor House, and wo 
 hope you ll stay with us as long as you remain in the city !" 
 
 I made him a snubbed sort of a bow, for I didn t want him to 
 think I was over anxious to stay till we d clinched the bargain 
 about the board, and sez I, 
 
 u Wai. now about the price of your fodder ; T s pose you ll 
 dock a leetle on that offer of mine. It s an allfired hard price, 
 now ain t it?" 
 
 " O," sez he, " never mind the board, Mr. Slick, we shan t be 
 hard with you on that score. The man will show you a room, 
 and I hope you ll feel yourself quite to hum with us." 
 
 With that a feller cum up to look at the big book, and then 
 he whispered to another, and it wasn t two miuits afore a hul 
 squad of fellers cum around, as if I d been a bear set up for a 
 show, at a copper a head. 
 
 One of the cha;>s he cut up stairs like all possessed, as if he 
 was a going tu bring up somebody else, so I begun to think it 
 about time for me to cut stick ; so I hollered arter a waiter, and 
 told him to take me up where he d put my trunk. The chap 
 went ahead, and I follered arter. 
 
 I tell you what, it wants a steady head to navigate through 
 all them long entry ways, and up them stairs, around and across 
 every which way, as I did, till I came to a room door up at tlio 
 tiu top of the house. My head went around like a fly-trnp. 
 When the door was shut I was so dizzy, I opened the winder, 
 and looked out tu see if the cold air wouldn t du me good. O 
 gracious me ! didn t it make me ketch my breath tu see how high 
 up they d stuck me. The clouds seemed to be purty close neigh* 
 bors. I looked right straight over the biggest trees in the park, 
 
BV JON A IT AX STICK. 18fl 
 
 as if they d been blark aider bushes, and my no. e cum jest about 
 on a lino with the City Hall clock. It sartinly (lid make me feel 
 a leetle skittish to look down into Broadway. The men went 
 streaking along like a crowd of good-sized rats a going out a 
 visiting, .and the gals that went sidling along under their parasols, 
 were the darndest harnsome little finefied things I ever dreamed 
 of. It seemed as if all the wax dolls had broke loose from the 
 store winders, and was a walki.i out to take the air with each on 
 em a toad-stool to keep the sun of. Taking the hul together, 
 invii and gals, coaches, cabs, trees, and horses, it was about the 
 funniest sight I ever sot eyes on. 
 
 Jt was worth while to look down on the front of the housen 
 too, only one felt all the time as if he was a goin to topple down 
 head fust. The winder tq 1113 room wasn t none of the largest, 
 and a round vine, all cut out of the solid stun, was twistitied 
 round it on the outside; and a heap of the same sort stretched 
 along the right and left side like a string of purty picters hung 
 out for show. Think sez I, if any body would look up and see 
 me a standing here, they might see the true profile of Jonathan 
 Slick cut off at the shoulders and hung in a frame, a live picter, 
 without paint or whitewash. I wish to gracious some of them 
 York artists would paint me jest so, for I raly must a looked like 
 a picter while I stood in that winder, but it made me worse iusted 
 of better, so I hauled in my head. 
 
 Arter I d gin myself a good sudsing in the wash-hand basin, 
 I unbuckled my saddle-bags, and thought I d fix up a leetle, for 
 somehow my clothes seemed to smell sort of oniony arter sleep 
 ing so long in the sloop cabin. Since I ve been hum my hair has 
 grown about right, only it s a leetle cuu-burnt; but that don t 
 show much when I ve combed it out slick with a fine tooth comb, 
 and rubbed it down with a ball of pomatum, scented with winter- 
 green. I parted it straight down the middle, like some of the 
 gals afore class meeting ; and I slicked it down with both hands, 
 till it glL4ened like a black cat in the dark. 
 
 Arter I d purty near satisfied myself with that, I sot tti and 
 put on the red and blue checkered trousers that inarm cut and 
 made arter my dandy clothes made in York. They are a ginuiue 
 3t, except that they strain rather severe on the galluses, aud 
 
186 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 pucker jest the leastest mite about the knee jinta; but they aint 
 BO coarse for all tow, nor the cam- colored coat neither. The 
 cotton dicky that you and Judy fixed up for me, curled up around 
 my chin and under the ears about the neatest; they looked aa 
 good as linen, every mite ; and when I twisted that checkered 
 silk scarf, that Judy gave me for a keep-sake arter she got molli 
 fied about my going to York, around my neck, and let the long 
 ends, fringe and all, hang down sort of careless over my green 
 vest, criscrossed with red streaks, I ruther guess you haint seen 
 a chap of my size dressed up so in a long time. 
 
 You know that great harnsorne broach that I bartered away 
 the apple sarse for in Hartford last fall. Wai, I was jest a stick 
 ing that into my shirt bosom, and a thinking what a consarned 
 harnsoine feller was a peaking at me out of the looking glass, 
 when somebody knocked at the door. I stopped to twistify 
 my dicky down a trifle, and to shake a leetle speck of essence of 
 wintergreen on my hankercher, and then I went to the door. 
 
 One of the chaps that I d seen down stairs was there ; he 
 didn t say nothing, but made a bow and gin me a piece of stiff " 
 paper about as big as the ace of spades, with u Fanny Elssler " 
 printed right in the middle on it. 
 
 Wai, think sez I, " what on arth does this mean ? I haint seen 
 a door yard fence nor a post since I come to York, but this ere 
 etarual name was stuck up on it, and now I ll be choked if it 
 haint chased me up here into the tip top of the Astor House." 
 As I was a thinking of this, I kinder turned the paper in my 
 hand, and there on t other side was a heap of the purtyest leetle 
 finefied writing that I ever did see. It was as plain as print, 
 and as fine as a spider s web, but I couldn t make out a word of 
 it to save my life. 
 
 I never was so flustrated in my born days, but arter thinking 
 on it a jiffy, I seemed to understand it, and was sartin that some 
 body had writ a new fangled sort of a letter to Fanny Ellsler, 
 and had sent it to my room instead of her n. 
 
 I run out into the entry way and hollered " hellow " to the 
 chap like all natur, but he d made himself scarce, and so I went 
 hack agin. I swanny, if I knew how tc fix it. I didn t want 
 the pesky critter s letter, and then agin, I didn t much want to 
 
BY .IOXATHAN SI.ICK. 187 
 
 go and carry it to her, tor fear she d take mo for one of them 
 loDg-haired, lantern-jawet 1 coots that luuiker round sich foreign 
 jhe critters, like lean dogs a hiintin around a bone. But then 
 agin I ruly had u sort of a sneaking notion to see her, if I could 
 &s well as not. So I up and went to the looking glass and gin 
 my hair a slick or two, and took, a sort of gineral survey, to be 
 sartin that I was according to gunter. 
 
 There wasn t no mistake in that chap, I can tell you. Every 
 thing was smooth as amber-grease, and my hair was so shiney 
 and slick that a fly would a slipped up if he d ventured to settle 
 on it. I ony jest pulled the corner of my new handkercher out 
 of my coat pocket a trifle, then I put my hat on with a genteel 
 tip upwards, and down I went, chomping a handful of pep 
 permint drops as I went along in case my breath hadn t quite 
 got over the smell of fried onions that Cuptin Doolittle gin me 
 for breakfast aboard the sloop. 
 
 "Look a here," sez I to a chap that I cum across in one of the 
 entry ways as I was a trying to circumnavigate down stairs, u you 
 don t know where abouts Miss Elssler lives, now du you ?" 
 
 "Yes," sez he, a stopping short, "she has the large parlor in 
 front, jest over the great entrance on the second floor." 
 
 " Whatl she don t live here in the Astor House, does she?" 
 sez I, 
 
 " Sartinly," sez he. 
 
 " Yon don t say so," sez I. 
 
 " Yes I do say so," sez he, a larfin. 
 
 "Wai, now I cum to think on it I guess you du," sez I; "but 
 I say now, you hadn t jest as livs as not go and show me the 
 door, had you ?" 
 
 " Oh, I haint no particular objections." sez he, and with that 
 he begun twistifying down stairs and around and across, and I 
 arter him like the tail to a kite, till by-arn-by he hauled up close 
 to a room door, and arter saying, " this is the room," and giving 
 a bow, cut off before I d true to ask him how his marm was. 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK 
 
188 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 LETTER XIX. 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK AND FANNY ELS8LES. 
 
 A live Yankee and the Parisian Danseuse ! Fanny sends her Card 
 and Jonathan makes a call Down East Yankee and French-Eng 
 lish rather hard to be understood Jonathan quite killed oft by 
 Fanny s Curchies and Dimples A little sort of a Flirtation An 
 Invitation to see Fanny in Nathalie, which is accepted. 
 
 DEAE PAK: 
 
 I swow, I thought I should a choked, my heart riz so when I 
 Bee that I d got to go in alone, and when I took hold of the 
 chunk of brass that opens the door, I felt the blood a biling up 
 into my face like hot sap in a sugar kettle. I kinder half opened 
 the door, and then I kinder shut it agin ; arter ketcUng a good 
 long breath I give the door a rap, and begun to pull up my dicky 
 sort of careless to let em know I wasn t scared nor nothing, and 
 then I rapped agin. 
 
 Gracious! before I took my fist away, the door opened softly 
 as if it slid on ile, and there stood a woman sort of harnsome 
 and sort a not, with a leetle cap chuck full of posies stuck 011 
 the back of her head, a looking me right in the face as cosey as 
 if she d been acquainted with me when I was a nussing baby. I 
 put my foot out to give her my priinest bow, but think sez I, 
 inebby it aiut Miss Elssler arter all; she looks too much like an 
 oid maid for that ; so I gin my foot a jerk in and my hand a 
 genteel flurish towards her, and sez I 
 
 " How do you du marm ?" 
 
 She looked at me sort of funny, and her mouth begun to puck 
 er itself up, but sez she, "How do you du?" a biting off the 
 words as short as pie crust. 
 
 "Purty well, I m obliged to you," sez I, " Miss Elssler aint to 
 bum, is she?" 
 
 The critter looked at me as sober as a clam in high water, tat 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 189 
 
 yet she seemed to be kinder tickled inside of her, and turning hei 
 head round she let out a stream of stuff to somebody inside. It 
 wasn t talking, nor ringing, DOT scolding, nor yet was it crying, 
 but some sort of sounds kept a running off from her tongue as 
 soft as a brook over a bed of white pebble stuns, and about as 
 fast tu. She kept her hand a running up and down as if she d 
 halt a notion to beat time to her own new fashioned singing, till 
 all tu once, up cum a critrer from t other eend of the room, all 
 dressed in white, as if she d jest cum out of a band-box, with 
 allfired harnsome black hair sleeked down each side of her face, 
 with a hull swad of it twisted up behind, with a golden pin stuck 
 through the heap, like one of marm s spindles spiked through a 
 hunk of tiax. The head of the pin was as big as a shag-bark 
 walnut, and some sort of stun was sot in it that was like a gal s 
 mind, no two minits alike now it was red, now yaller, now 
 green, and again all these colors seemed jumbled together and a 
 flashing inside of it till you couldn t tell which was which. I 
 swanny, if it didn t glisten so that I eenamost forgot that it was 
 stuck in a woman s head, and that she was a looking into my 
 face as mealy-mouthed and soft as could be. 
 
 "Has the gentleman mistook the room," sez she 
 
 The words were sort of snipped off, but oh gracious, warn t 
 they sweet ! lasses candy and maple sugar was in every syllable. 
 It seemed as if the critter had been fed forever on nothing but 
 mellow peaches and slippery elm bark, she spoke so soft. She 
 kinder smiled tu, but it was nat ral as could be. Think sez I 
 mebby the coot has led me into the wrong goose pen, but there 
 aint no help for it now. So I jest walked a step for ard, and 
 Bez I 
 
 " How do you du marm ?" 
 
 "I kinder guess there aint no mistake worth a mentioning. If 
 Miss Elssler aint to hum I ll make tracks and cum ngin, it aint no 
 trouble, I d just as livs as not, but I guess I ll leave this ere letter 
 for fear she may want it. Some etarnal coot brought it up to 
 my room, but I suppose the critter didn t know no better some 
 of these York chaps are green as young potatoes, don t you think 
 BO, marm ? 
 
 I didn t wait for no answer, but handed over the new fangled 
 
190 HIGH LIFE I>T NEW YORK. 
 
 letter, and was a going right off agin, but she looked at the letter 
 sort of astonished, and then at me, till I didn t know what to 
 make of it. Arter a minit, sez she 
 
 " Why dis is the card for Mr. Slick, one of de Editors of de 
 Express who has just arrived ; certainly he could not be so rude 
 as to send it back again." 
 
 Oh gracious ! think sez I, " Jonathan Slick, if you haint broke 
 your onion string now 1" 
 
 u Was the gentleman out ?" sez she, looking at the paper, and 
 then at me agin. 
 
 Think sez I u You d better ask his marm," for I ll be darned 
 if he can tell that, or anything else. I aint quite sartin if he 
 knows jest this minit which eend his head s on. But there s 
 nothing like keeping a stiff upper lip in sich places as York. In 
 less than half a jiffy I reached out my hand sort of easy, and 
 took the paper out of her hand, and then I gin her a smile, as 
 much as to say, aint I a careless shote? and, sez I, 
 
 41 ISTow I swanny, did you ever ! Well now who d a thought 
 it," and with that I began to feel in my vest, and dug my hands 
 down in my trousers pockets, as if I d give the wrong paper, 
 and had lost something else, and wouldn t give up till I d found 
 it. I didn t seem content till I d pulled out my yaller hanker- 
 cher and shook it, and then I topped still, and sez I, 
 
 "Now if this don t beat all, aint I the beatermost feller for 
 losing things ? Howsomever, it s well it aint no worse. I can 
 write another almost any time. Jest tell Miss Elssler that Mr. 
 Slick has called in to thank her for her harnsome little keepsake, 
 and that he s felt awfully warnblecropped when he found out she 
 wasn t to hum." 
 
 The woman that come to the door fust, she looked at the other 
 and begun gabbling away, and then the black haired one, sez she, 
 
 u Oh, Mister Sleeke, pardon ! pardon ! I am so sorry to keep 
 you PO long standing. I did not know! walk in, walk in. I am 
 most happy to see gentlemen of de press most happy of any to 
 see Mister Sleeke." With that she stepped back and made the 
 purtyest leetle curchy that ever I see ; it was like a speckled 
 trout diving into a brook jest enough to give a curve to the watei 
 and no more. 
 
BV JUNAT1I VX SLICK 191 
 
 "Oh dear!" think sez I, "Jonathan Slick, if you liavn t been 
 a weeding in the wrong bed agin. That critter is Fanny Elssler 
 as true as all cre;ition ; no woman on arth could make sich a 
 curchy but her." I guess my face blazed up a few, but I seen 
 that there was no backing out, so not to be behind hand in good 
 manners I stepped back, put out my foot with a flourish that 
 made the seams to my new trousers give ; then I drew my ritjht 
 heel into the hollow of my lefr, foot, and kept a bending for ard 
 all the time with a sort of deliberate gentility, till myeyos had to 
 roll up the leastest mite to keep sight of her n. Then I drew up 
 agin easy, like a jack-knife with a tough spring, and finished off 
 with a flurish of my hand up to my hat and back agin ; that last 
 touch left me standing parpendic lar right before her, as a free 
 born citizen of America ought tu. 
 
 " Miss Elssler," sez I, how do you du? You haint no idea how 
 tickled I am to see you." 
 
 That and the bow of mine did the bisness for her. I never 
 did see a critter act so tickled the dimples kept a coming and 
 going round that sweet mouth of her n like the bubbles on a 
 glass of prime cider. Her eyes were brimful of funny looks, and 
 she grew harnsomer every minit. Her face realy was like a pic 
 ture book ; every time I took a peak it seemed as if she d turned 
 over a new leaf with a brighter pictur painted on it. 
 
 She went along towards a bench all cushioned off, that looked 
 as if it was tu good to be sot on, and there she stood a waving 
 that white hand, as much as to say, set down here Mr. Slick, 
 and don t be particlar about gitting too fur off from them square 
 pillars for I shall set agin them myself. 
 
 I made her a kind of a half bow, and then arter giving my 
 hand a wave to match her n, sez I 
 
 " Arter you is manners for me." 
 
 The critter understands what good manners is; her black eyes 
 begun to sparkle and the smile came around her little mouth 
 thicker and taster, like lady bugs around a full blown rose. I 
 begun to feel to hum with her right off, so when she sot down 
 and looked into my face with them sarcy mischievous eyes of 
 her n, and hitched up to the square cushion sort of inviting, I 
 jest divided my coat tail with both hands and sot down to, 
 
102 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 But when I got down I ll be darned if I knew what on urth to 
 talk about ; I stretched one of my new boots out on the carpet, 
 and then crossed t other over it and then I did it all over agin, 
 but still I kept growing more and more streaked, till by-am-by 
 I jest sidled towards her kind of insinuating, and sez I 
 
 " Wai, Miss Elssler, what s the news?" 
 
 41 E a de what," sez she, a looking puzzled half to death. 
 
 "Oh nothing parti c lar," sez I. "I s\vow, Miss Elssler, 
 you ve got a tarnal purty foot git out you critter you!" nnd 
 with that I gave my yaller hankercher a flirt and upset a fly 
 that had lit on the tip eend of her finefied silk shoe. Arter I d 
 finished his bisness, I folded up my hankercher and wiped my 
 nose, and then put it in my pocket agin. Then I begun to think 
 it was best to take a new start, and sez I 
 
 " Its rather pleasant weather for the season, don t you think 
 BO beautiful day yesterday, wasn t it ?" 
 
 She gave me one of her sweet smiles, and sez she 
 
 " Yes it was, indeed. I was on board one French vessel in 
 the harbor yesterday, and was so delighted." 
 
 ""What sort of a consarn was it ?" sez I, " a sloop mebby " 
 
 " Oh no," sez she, " it was a La Belle Poule." 
 
 " Oh," sez I, " they don t call them sloops in France, I s pose ; 
 but I say, Miss Elssler, have you ever been aboard a regular 
 Yankee craft, say a Connecticut river sloop or a two mast 
 schooner from down East ? them s the ginuine sea birds for you I 
 Now my Par s got one a lying down to Peck Slip that ll take the 
 shine off from any of your Bell pulls or Bell ropes either, I ll bet 
 a cookey. I should raly like to show you the critter, I m sartin 
 Captin Doolittle would go off the handle, he d be so tickled. 
 Supposing you and I go down some day and git a peep at her, 
 and take a glass of cider and a cold bite in the cabin. Now 
 what do you say?" 
 
 " Oh, I shall be very happy ;" sez she, yet I thought she looked 
 kinder puzzled, arid so to make her feel easy about it sez I 
 
 "Don t be oneasy about the trouble, it won t be no put out to 
 Ctoptin Doolittle, he s al rs on hand for a spree. Supposing we 
 set day after to-morrow, it s best to give the old chap time to 
 gi.3> up a leetle," sez I. 
 
UY J^A ATllAN 6UC/C. 193 
 
 * Any time that pleases Mr. Sleeke, &ez she, a bowing her 
 Lead. 
 
 I wish to gracious Par, yon could hear how the critter talks. 
 She nips off some words and strings oat others, like a baby jest 
 laming. The way she draws out Mr. Slick is funny enough, 
 you d think she d been greasing her tongue to do it fust rate. 
 
 Wai, arter we d settled about the sloop, there come another 
 dead calm and I begun to feel awk ard agin, so I got up and went 
 to a table that was a most kivered over with tumblers and chiny 
 cups, stuffed full of posies, and taking one of em up, I stuck my 
 nose into the middle on it and giv a good snuff. By the time I 
 got through, Miss Elssler she cum and stood close by me, alook- 
 ing so tempting that I bust rite out and sez I 
 
 u I swan, Miss Elssler, its eenamost as sweet as your face." 
 
 She looked at me again, sort of wild, as if she wasn t used to 
 have folks praise her, so I choked in, and sez I 
 
 " Are you fond of posies ?" 
 
 She chewed up some soft words that I couldn t make out, and 
 then sez I agin 
 
 u You ve got a swad of em here, any how. Some of your 
 beaus sent them to you, now, I ll bet something." 
 
 " Oh," sez she, a larting, u dey were all flung on de stage last 
 night, de new York gentlemen dey are so gallant." 
 
 I said nothing but kept a darned of a thinking. There wasn t 
 a ginuine prime posey among em, nothing but leetle finefied 
 roses, and buds and leaves, and white posies tied up in bunches, 
 jest sich leetle things as a feller might give to a young critter of a 
 gal that he took a notion tu, but no more tit for sich a smasher 
 as Mis.s Elssler than a missionary psalm book. She begun to un 
 tie one of the bunches, and stuck a few into her bosom, and then 
 she twisted the ribbon round a harnsome red rose and a heap of 
 green leaves, and puckering up that sweet mouth of her n, she 
 gin it to me with a half curchy. Gaury 1 didn t my heart flouii 
 der, and didn t the fire flash up into my eyes. I pinned the 
 ose into my shirt bosom with my new broach, and then I looked 
 at the posies that lay on her bosom so totalizing, and sez I 
 
 "Oh dear! how I wish I was a honey bee I guess I knor 
 what bunch of posies I d settle in." 
 13 
 
394 HIGTI TJFF. IN 
 
 She didn t seem to know hov to take this, and I was eer.arnost 
 Beared into a caniption fit to think what I d been a saying. 
 Think sez I, now Jonathan, if you hain t done it! I ruther 
 guess you d better cut dirt, and not try agin ; so I took out my 
 watch, and sez I 
 
 " Goodness gracious ! its time for me to be a going. Don t 
 forgit, our bargin is clinched about the sloop, will you now, Miss 
 Elssler?" 
 
 With that I edged towards the door, and arter making another 
 prime bow, I went out, feeling sort of all-overish, I can t tell 
 how. I kinder think she wasn t very wrothy arter all, for 
 she curchied and smiled so, I guess there wasn t much harm 
 done. 
 
 The minit I got to my room I was all in a twitter to find out what 
 was on the paper Miss Elssler had sent to me, for I hadn t found out 
 yet. Every word that I could make out was, Madame ma Selle 
 Elssler, and something that looked like compliments spelt wrong: 
 you can t think how I was puzzled. I turned the paper upside 
 down, and up, and every which way, but if the rest wasn t writ 
 in some sort of hog Latin, I hadn t no idee what it was, for I 
 couldn t make out another word, so at last I chucked the paper 
 onto the mantel-shelf, for I wouldn t hold in no longer, and sez 
 I, all alone to myself, as wrathy as could be, sez I, 
 
 "Madam ma Selle Elssler, and be darned, for what I care; I 
 wish to gracious she knew how to write coarser." 
 
 By-am-by I took up the thing agin, for it made me feel sheep 
 ish to think I couldn t make out to read so much Latin as a gal 
 could write, arter going to grammar school so long, but it wasn t 
 of no use, so think sez I, I ll jest go down to the bar-room and 
 see where the critter is to be sold, and what madam it is that s 
 going to knock her off. So down I went, and sez I to the man 
 sort of easy, sez I, 
 
 " So you re a going to have an auction here, aint you ?" 
 
 The chap looked up, and at fust he didn t seem to know me 
 agin in my fix up, but arter a minit he smiled, and sez he, 
 
 " Dear me, Mr. Slick, is it you agin ? An auction ! no, not as 
 I know on." 
 
 " Oh !" sez I, and with that I begun to twistify the square paper 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 195 
 
 about in my fingers, and at lost I seemed to bo a reading it as 
 arnest as could be, all the while a leaning sort of easy towards 
 him as if I d forgot he was there. He kept a eyeing it kinder 
 siautiudicular, till at last, sez he 
 
 41 That s purty writing, Mr. Slick a lady s, I should think?" 
 
 " Mebby you ve seen it afore," sez I, a trying to look careless, 
 and as if I d read every word on t a dozen times. u Kuther 
 scrumptous lectio curlecues them are, don t you think so ?" 
 
 With that I handed over the pesky thing kind of nat ral, as 
 if I didn t really think w r hat I was a doing, and he seemed to 
 read it off as easy as water. 
 
 " Oh yes," sez he, u this is her own handwriting ; a great com 
 pliment, Mr. Slick. I know of many a fine feller that would 
 give his ears to get sich a card from the Elssler. " 
 
 " Oh," sez I, u if she has a notion for ears, she d better bar 
 gain for them Baltimore chaps that we ve heard on. She ll get 
 prime ones there, as long as beet leaves, but I m afeared she ll 
 find em ruther scarce here in York ; the silo ain t rich enough 
 for em." 
 
 Here the chap bust out a larfing, and haw-hawed till it seemed 
 as if he d go right off the handle. He tried to choke in, but 
 that only made him top off short with a touch of the hooping- 
 cough. Arter a while he wiped his eyes, and sez he 
 
 " Very good, Mr. Slick ! very good indeed ! But of course 
 you accept the Elssler s invitation to the theatre to-night!" 
 
 " To the theatre," sez I, " so she goes off there, does she ; 
 well, a feller may see the fun without bidding, so mebby I ll 
 
 go." 
 
 " Jest inquire for the Astor House box, and it ll be all right," 
 sez the chap, and with that he took up the thick paper, and, 
 sez he, 
 
 " How neatly they do turn off these compliments in French, 
 don t they If" 
 
 " In what ?" sez I. 
 
 " In French," sez he. 
 
 " Oh !" sez I, and more and more I was anxious to find out 
 what the French gal had writ to me. 
 
lOtf HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 "How beautifully she s turned this sentence about your 
 talents," soz he. 
 
 " Yes," sez I, all of a twitter inside, but cool as a cucumber 
 for what he knew. " Yes, purty well, considering, but look a 
 here now, I ll bet a cookey you can t turn that into fust rate 
 English as soon as I can, and I ll give you the fust chance 
 tu." 
 
 The chap larfed agin, and sez he, " If you d a said fust rate 
 Yankee I should a gin right up tu once, but I ruther think I can 
 cum up to you in English." 
 
 " The proof of the pudding is in eating the bag," sez I. 
 
 " Wai," sez he, " I can but try ;" so he looked at the paper, 
 and read it off jest as easy as git out. 
 
 u Miss Elssler s compliments to Mr. Jonathan Slick, and hopes 
 that he will do her the honor to accept a seat in a private box 
 at the theatre this evening, where she performs in Nathalie and 
 the Cachuka." Then he went on with a grist of the softest 
 sodder that ever you heard on, about my talents and genius, and 
 the cute way I had of writing about the gals, that put me all in 
 a twitteration ; but he read so fast that I couldn t ketch only 
 now and then a word sartin enough to write it down, and if 
 I could it would make me feel awful sheepish to think Judy 
 White would ever see it, so the least said, the soonest 
 mended. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, sort of condescending, when the chap had got 
 through, "I give up beat you ve done it as cute as a razor. I 
 raly could a parsed the words as you went along. Mebby you 
 might have tucked in a few more long words, but all things con 
 sidered, it aint best to be critical, so I guess I may as well agree 
 to owe you the cookey." With that I went to my room agin. 
 Your affectionate son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 107 
 
 LETTER XX. 
 
 Jonathan goes to the Express Office His Opinion of Zeke Jones and 
 the "Brother Jonathan" Newspaper Explains his Absence, and 
 enters into a new Agreement with the Editors. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 Arter I d made a visit to Miss Elssler, I went up to my room, 
 as I was a telling you, and begun to think over what we d been 
 a talking about, and it made me feel sort of streaked to think she 
 took me for one of the Editors of the Express, when I was eena- 
 most scared to death for fear they wouldn t print my letters agin, 
 arter I give them the mitten so slick, and w r ent off to Weathers- 
 field. I didn t suppose the critters ever knew what it was to be 
 Immsick, as I was in this tarnal place, and was afeard they might 
 rise right up agin having anything to do with me. But think 
 8ez I, there s nothing like keeping a stiff upper lip, and putting 
 on airs of independence, and talking right up to these news 
 paper chaps ; so I on with my hat, and cut along towards the 
 Express Office, detarmined to du up my chores in that quarter, 
 without chawing over the matter any longer. 
 
 \Val, I streaked it aiong about the quickest, like a string of 
 onions broke loose at the leetle eend. I begun to feel awful anx 
 ious jest as I got in sight of the office, and the feeling made me 
 slack foot and ketch breath, I can tell you. As I went by the 
 corner in a sort of a half canter, with my hands in both pockets 
 for I felt kinder ashamed of the streaked mittens marm knit 
 for me when my yaller gloves wore out, they didn t exactly gibe 
 with my other fix up the people stopped and stared like all 
 possessed. 
 
 "If that aint Mr. Slick!" sez one;- - Sure enough," sez 
 another, "so it is." "Didn t T tell you he w.osn t dead^" sea 
 anoi.her. 
 
 AVIth that I shirked up a leetle, and sez I to myuelf, sez I 
 
198 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 "Who cares if the Editors of the Express be mad, cause I CL: stick 
 when they wanted to send me off to Washington, when it was 
 as hot as all natur, and jest planting time. If my letters were 
 good for any thing, they ll be glad on em agin, and if they aint, 
 why I ll let em see that I m a true born ginuine American, died 
 in the wool, and that I can up stakes and go hum agin in the old 
 sloop as independent as a cork screw. 
 
 Arter I d hung about the corner of the office a leetle while, I 
 got up pluck, and walked right straight ahead into the office. I 
 begun to feel to hum the minit I opened the door every thing 
 looked so nat ral. There was the counter, jest like old times, 
 and the pigeon holes stuck full of newspapers, and a pile of white 
 printer s paper a lying up in one corner, and there sot the dark, 
 a rale ginuine cute leetle Yankee; he was a writing on leetle 
 scraps of brown paper, and a looking as if all creation would 
 stop if he didn t go ahead. 
 
 I jest give a peak in for a minit and streaked it up stairs, to 
 see if I couldn t find somebody there. I wish you could have 
 seen how the work hands stared and looked at one another when 
 I went in, but I didn t stop to say nothing to nobody, but up I 
 went, through a room chuck full and brimming over with work 
 [lands, and there in a leetle room, about as big as an undersized 
 calf pen, sot the critter hisself, eenamost buried up in a pile of 
 newspapers. It raly did my heart good to look at him, he d 
 grown so chirk and hearty, it seemed to me as if he must 
 a fatted up two inches on the ribs since I d seen him. 
 
 u Gracious me," sez I to myself. " I kinder wish I d stuck to 
 and tried to tucker it out last year, and mebby I should a had 
 something to fat up about. Now I wonder what he s a reading 
 that tickles him so." 
 
 Jest as I was a thinking this, the Editor of the Express he 
 looked up, and see me a standing there, as if I d been a growing 
 on that identical spot ever since last summer. Gauly offilus! but 
 didn t the newspapers fly, when he was sartin who it was. I see 
 that he was eenamost tickled to death to see me agin. 
 
 " I hain t lost my chance Iioro yet," sez I to myself, and so I 
 walked right straight up to him, and held out my fist, mitten 
 and ail, r .ad si;/. I 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 199 
 
 " How do you do ?" jest so. 
 
 u Why Mr. Slick," sez he, " where did you come from ?" 
 
 " Right straight from hum," sez I ; " but how du you git along 
 about these timed every thing going along about straight, I 
 a pose." 
 
 By this time he seemed to think that there was something 
 that he ought to git mad about. You d a thought he d swollered 
 a basket of cowcumbers all of a sudden, he looked so frosty. 
 
 " Now for it," sez I to myself. 
 
 " Mr. Slick," sez he, a looking as parpendicular as if he d eat 
 tenpenny nails for breakfast, and topped off with a young crow 
 bar, " Mr. Slick, I m happy to see you in York agin, but what on 
 arth was the reason that you left us in the lurch about them let 
 ters from Washington?" 
 
 "Did you ever have a touch of humsickness ?" sez I, a 
 straightening up and putting my hands in my pockets, till the 
 tip eend of my nose eenamost come on a level with his n. 
 
 41 1 ruther think I have," sez he, a hitching up his shoulders. 
 
 "And the ager, too?" sez I. 
 
 " Don t mention it," sez he, jest a shaking the leastest mite all 
 over with thinking about it, 
 
 " Awful sort of a chilly animal, that ager, ain t it?" sez I. 
 
 "Dreadful," sez he. 
 
 " Didn t it seem as if you d have to take up all your bones for 
 salt and battery on one another, afore they d keep still ?" sez I. 
 
 "A most," sez he, a larfiog. 
 
 11 Wai," sez I, " I didn t ketch the fever and ager." 
 
 " What did you ketch, then?" sez he, sort of impatient. 
 
 " Oh, I felt kinder as if I should git it if I didn t go hum and 
 doctor," sez I. 
 
 " But that wasn t quite reason enough for your goin off so," 
 eez he. 
 
 "Wasn t it?" sez I, "but that wasn t all; I got a letter from 
 par, and he wrote that marm was ailing, and that he was getting 
 down in the mouth, and didn t feel very smart himself, and there 
 wasn t nobody to weed the onions only Judy White and she 
 seemed sort of molancholy, and so" 
 
 " Oh, I understand," sez he, a cutting me off short in what I 
 
200 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 was going to say. I guess he took notice how the blood biled 
 up in my face, for he went right to talking about something else 
 as nat ral as could be. 
 
 So arter confabulating a spell about things in general, the 
 Editor of the Express he begun to poke around among the news 
 papers agin, and to hitch around as if he d jest as lief I wasn t 
 there. I pulled out my mittens, for it was cold enough to snap 
 a feller s ears off, early as it was. So I put em on sort of delib 
 erate, and begun to smooth up the red and blue fringe on the 
 top, jest as if I wanted to go, and yet didn t feel in much of a 
 hurry. 
 
 " By-am-by I got up, and sez I, " Wai, good-day I s pose it s 
 about time for me to be a jogging." 
 
 " Don t be in a hurry, Mr. Slick," sez he, a fumbling over the 
 newspapers all the time. 
 
 Think sez I, "If you have any notion to priat my letters, it s 
 about time to come up to the scratch tu once;" but he kept on 
 a reading, and sez I, a sliding back ards towards the door, 
 
 " I shouldn t be in such a pucker to go, but I want to stop at 
 the office of the Brother Jonathan to see Zeke Jones, from our 
 parts. He s a prime feller, Zeke is ; one of them sort of chaps 
 that make one proud of human natur. We used to be as thick 
 as three in a bed afore either of us took to literature. I haint 
 seen him since, but his stories are the clear grain and no chaff, 
 ginuine all over, and enough to bring the tears into a feller s 
 eyes once in a while, I can tell you. The critter 11 go right off 
 the handle when he sees me, he ll be so tickled," sez I, " and I 
 haint no doubt but he can get the editors of that creation large 
 paper to print some of my letters for me." 
 
 " There," think sez I, " if that don t bring him up to the 
 trough, fodder or no fodder, I don t know what will." 
 
 Sure enough, I hadn t but jest got the words out of my mouth, 
 when the chap he spoke up like a man. 
 
 " Mr. Slick," sez he, " don t think of sich a thing as writing 
 for any paper but the New York Express. I can t bear the idee 
 of it a minit. You raly can t think how bad we felt for fear 
 you was dead when we didn t git no more letters from you arter 
 you went to Weathersfield. Now what do you say to staying 
 
BY JONATHAN SLiCK. 201 
 
 in New York and going ahead agin ? Supposing you pull off 
 your mittens and take hold now?" 
 
 I seoni d to ort of deliberate a spell, for I didn t want him to 
 think I c< me to York a purpose to stay ; so arter a while 
 
 8CZ I, 
 
 t; Wai, HI think about it. Par is a getting old, but I guess 
 he d about as lief do the foddering an help marm about the 
 chores as not r his winter, and mebby Captain Doolittle will 
 board there and help about when he hives up for the winter. 
 But I don t jest know how to manage it. I hain t no go-to- 
 meeting clothes, that are quite up to the notch. The knees of 
 my dandy trousers bust out the fust time I got down to weed 
 onions in em, and I feel rathtr unsanin how this new fix of rnin* 
 would take the gals eyes in Broadway." 
 
 " Oh ! don t stand on trifles Mr. Slick," sez he, Editors never 
 do," and with that he took a squint at my trousers, as if he 
 was mightily tickled with the fit of em and wanted to get a 
 pattern. This sot me in conceit of em a leetle. 
 
 "A feller might see that with half an eye, any how," sez I. 
 * But now I come to think of it, this ere suit of go-to-meeting 
 clothes that I ve got on aint to be sneezed at, now, are they ? 
 Mann spun and made them for me afore I cum away from hum. 
 She cut em by my dandy coat and trousers, and got a purty 
 scrumptious fit. So mebby they ll be jest the thing. Every 
 body in Weathersfield took to cuttin their clothes arter mine," 
 sez I, sort of bragging, because, you know, with some folks 
 it s best to put the best foot for ard, and pass for all you r* 
 worth, and sometimes for a leetle more, tu. 
 
 It s all a mistake for a man to think tu well of himself; but 
 the experience I ve had here in York tells me, that a man, to 
 make others think well of him, must make the riost of himself 
 and of all his imperfections. " A good outside for the world, 
 and a good heart within," was one of the best lessons you larned 
 me, par, when I left Weathersfield for York. So sez I to the 
 editor, standing as straight as a broomstick, and striking my 
 hand upon inj hat, and then putting both in my pockets, to 
 appear sort of independent, 
 
 41 If yiv think they ll du, why I doc" care if I hitch tackle 
 
202 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YCRK. 
 
 with you agin ; but if the notion takes me to cut stick for Wash 
 ington or Weathersfield some of these clays, I ain t sartin but 
 you ll find me among the missing, but howsomever, I ll give you 
 a try at a few letters ; but I ve got my hand out, I can tell you. 
 Stringing onions and writing letters on genteel society, ain t tho 
 same thing by no sort of means. So now that s all settled, I m 
 off like shot off a shovel." 
 
 With that I shook hands with the Editor of the Express, and 
 made tracks for the sloop about the tickledest feller that ever you 
 did see. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLIOK. 
 
 LETTER XXI. 
 
 Jonathan Visits Mr. Hogg s Garden and gets a Bouquet Puzzled 
 about the propriety of Paying for it Purchases a Ribbon and 
 starts for the Theatre. 
 
 DEAR PAE : 
 
 The minit I got to the sloop I took off my coat, for I didn t 
 seem to hum enough in the Astor House to write there. I sot 
 down in the cabin, and stretching out my legs on a butter-tub, 
 I turned up my ristbands and wrote off the letter that I sent you 
 t other day on the top of an onion barrel, without stopping once, 
 I was so tarnationed anxious to let you know how I was a 
 getting along. 
 
 I had to bite off short, for a chap come aboard the sloop with 
 Japtin Doolittle to bargain for the cargo of cider and garden 
 sarse. I was afeared that they would want to overhaul my 
 writing desk, and so made myself scarce, and went up to the 
 Express with the letter stuck loose inside the crown of my hat, 
 editor fashion. 
 
 I left the hull letter with the dark, and axed him where on 
 arth a chap could git a smashing bunch of posies, if he took a 
 ,otion to want sich a thing. He told me to go right straight up 
 
BY JONATIIArt SLICK. 203 
 
 to Mr. Hogg s, clear up town along the East River, and said that 
 I d better git aboard a Harlem car, and it would carry me right 
 chock agin the spot for a ninepence. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " the expense aint nothing tc kill, so I guess I ll 
 ride." 
 
 With that, I got into one of them allfired awk ard things that 
 look like a young school-house sot on wheels, and running away 
 with the scollars stowed inside ; and arter shelling out my nine- 
 pence, we sot out up Centre-street, through the Bowery, and all 
 along shore, till we stopped short nigh agin the Astoria ferry, 
 clear up town. Arter searching around a little, I found Mr. 
 Hogg s gardiu, and went in. A great, tall, good-natured looking 
 chap cum up to me as I was a peaking about a feller that made 
 me feel hum-sick in a minit, he looked so much like our folks. 
 
 "How do you du?" sez I, u I m tickled to see you ; they told 
 me that you keep posies about these ere premises, but I don t see 
 no signs of etn." 
 
 "Oh," sez he, as good as pio, u come this way, and I guess we 
 can find as many as you want." 
 
 u Wai," that ll be a good many, for I m a hard critter on mary- 
 golds and holly-hocks," sez I, "and I want a smashing heap on 
 em." 
 
 With that, Mr. Hogg, instead of taking me into a garden, jest 
 opened the door of a great long, low house, with an allfired great 
 winder covering the hull roof, and sez he 
 
 " Walk in." 
 
 I guess I did walk in, for the house was chuck full of the harn- 
 somest trees and bushes that I ever sot eyes on, all kivered over 
 with posk-s, and smelling so sweet, that a bed of seed onions, 
 je<r as it busts out in a snow-storm of white fiowers, aint noth 
 ing compared to it. Didn t I give good long snuffs as I went in! 
 This idea, to my notion, of posies amongst big trees and bushes, 
 are like wimmen folks and young ones in the world of hu 
 man nntur. If they arnt good for something else they 
 are plaguey harnsome to look at, r.nd the world would be awful 
 dark and scraggy without tlu-in. Some wimmen may ba bad 
 enough and hateful as henbane, but consarn me if I wouldn t 
 rather love thorn bushes than none it all. 
 
 There was one r^c that took mj )ye the minit I went in; it 
 
204 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 hung chuck fuJ. of great big oranges, and tell me I lie right out, 
 it there wasn t a swad of white posies a busting out through 
 (he great green leeves in hull handfuls, all around on the same 
 limbs where the oranges were a growing. Think sez I, this raly 
 is a ginuine scripture lesson, spring and fall a gitting in love 
 with each other and hugging together on the same bush ; oh, 
 gracious! how the parfume did pour out from the middle of that 
 tree ! I felt it a steaming up my nose and creeping through my 
 hair, till I begun to feel as sweet as if I d been ducked all over in 
 a kettle full of biled rose leaves. 
 
 Mr. Hogg he went along among the great high rows of bushes 
 sot in a heap, one on top of t other almost to the glass ruff, with 
 a good sized jack-knife in his hand, and then he cut and slashed 
 among the green leaves and red roses, and piled up a bunch of 
 posies about the quickest ! Yet I wasn t satisfied, he didnt seem 
 to pick out the rale critters, but tucked in the leetle finefied buds 
 jest as if he couldn t guess what I wanted em for. 
 
 " Oh, now you git out," sez I, when he handed over a hull 
 swad of posies done up in a grist of leaves ; " you don t mean to 
 put me off with that ere ! why, it aint a flee-bite to what I want. 
 Come now, hunt up a few hollyhocks, and inarygolds, and poppies, 
 and if you ve got a good smashing hidaranger, purple on one side 
 and yaller on tother, tuck it in the middle." 
 
 Mr. Hogg he stood a looking right in my eyes with his mouth 
 a little open, as if he didn t know what to make of it. 
 
 " The season is over for those things," sez he, " and I haint got 
 one in the hot-house." 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "du the best you can, all things considering, 
 only tuck in the big posies and enough on em, for I m going to 
 give em to a sneezer of a harnsome gal so don t be too spar 
 ing." 
 
 With that M. Hogg sarched out some great red and yaller 
 posies, with some stroaming long blue ones a sticking through 
 them, and arter a while he handed over something worth while 
 a great smashing b"^. 1 ! * osies as big as a bell-squash choked 
 in at the neck. 
 
 Artcr I d exa^^cd the t sarn to be sartiu that all was ship 
 shape, I made Mr. Hogg a , 7, and, sez I, 
 
 " I m much obliged to yi -if ever you come to Weathers- 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 205 
 
 field in the summer time, inarm will give you jest as many and 
 be tickled with the chance. She beats all uatur at raising these 
 sort of things." 
 
 He looked at me sort of arnest, but yet he didn t seem to lie 
 jest satisfied, and after snapping his thumb across the blade of 
 his jack-knife a minit, he spoke out, but seemed kinder loth. 
 
 "We generally sell our bokays," sez he, arter haming and 
 hawing a leetle while. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " mebby I shall want one some of these dap, 
 and then I ll give you a call but any how I m obliged to y a 
 for the posies all the same." 
 
 I wanted to offer him a fourpence for the trouble of picki 4* 
 the posies, but he looked so much like a gentleman and a 
 Weathersfield Deacon, I was scared for fear he d think I wanted 
 to impose on him if I offered money. So I made him another 
 bow, and went off, while he stood a looking arter me as if Id 
 been stealin a sheep. I have wished since that I d offered hitfl 
 the fourpence, for he kinder seemed to calculate on somethiug 
 like it. I stopped into a store, and bought a yard of wide yaller 
 ribbon, and arter tying it round my bunch of posies in a double 
 bow not, with great long eends a streaming down, I took the 
 critter in my hand, and cut dirt for the theatre, for it was 
 a pitting nigh on to dark. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAH BUCK. 
 
206 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 LETTER XXII. 
 
 Jonathan gives a Description of the Theatre, Private Boxes, Drop- 
 Scene, &c. His Ideas of Miss Elssler s Dancing, and Dancing Girla 
 in general Jonathan mistakes Williams in his Comic Song of 
 " Old Maids and Old Batchelors to Sell," for au Auctioneer who is 
 knocking off, " La Belle Fanny," to the Highest Bidder Jonathan 
 is indignant that she is not his, after so much hard bidding, by 
 winks, &c. He flings his Bouquet at Fanny s Feet Jonathan s 
 Visit Behind the Scenes, and his Idea of Things seen there Gal 
 lants Fanny home to the Astor House. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 The man who keeps the door at the Park Theatre didn t seem 
 *o know me at fust, but the minit I writ out my name the hull 
 length, and handed it over, curlecues and all, and told him I 
 wanted the Astor House box, be was as perlite as a basket of 
 chips. He banded me over to another cbap, who took me up 
 stall s and along a dark entry way, till be ended in a barnsorae 
 leetle pen, all curtained off witb red silk, with purty maliogany 
 frames that slid up and down over a sort of red pulpit cushion 
 tbat run round the front side. 
 
 Tbe feller he sbut me up, and I sot down on one of the chairs 
 in tbe box, and took a giueral survey of the theatre. From 
 where I sot, it looked as if somebody had laid down an allfired 
 big borse-sboe for a pattern, and tben built after it one tier of 
 seats above another till they got tired .of the fun, and topped off 
 witb a young sky all covered over with golden picters and 
 curlecued work. 
 
 There was a consarned great curtain bung down afore tbe 
 stage, witb a sort of an Injun mound in tbe middle, and a bouse 
 built on top of it. A lot of painted fellers bung about tbe front 
 of tbe curtain, niggers and Injuns, some a setting down and some 
 a standing up, and looking like buman meat-axes gone to sleep. 
 One feller tbat was squat down with bis back leaned agin a post. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 207 
 
 had something that looked like a bunch of prime onions with 
 the tops on, stuffed inter his bosom, and he held a kind of a 
 ihort handled frying-pan in his hand as if he meant to cook 
 Borne and have a smart fry, as soon as he could git tu a fire. 
 
 I hadn t sot long when the men begun to stream into tho 
 theatre like all possessed, with a small sprinkling of the feminine 
 gender, jest enough to take the cuss off and no more. 
 
 In less than no time the house was jammed chuck full and 
 running over, till I raly felt as if it was wicked to keep so much 
 room all to myself, when the rest was stowed and jammed up 
 so close that you couldn t a hung up a flax seed edgeways 
 between em, but think sez I, every one for himself I know 
 -when I m well off, and that s enough. So I leaned over the 
 cushion, and let one hand hang a leetle over the edge, as inde 
 pendent as if the whole theatre was mine. 
 
 By-am-by the curtain begun to roll up, and I d like to have 
 larfed right out to see them painted chaps du themselves up and 
 curl over the roller fust their feet doubled up, then their legs 
 and hips and shoulders then the roller took a slice off from the 
 bottom of the mound, and turights, the hull was twisted up into 
 a beam, and hitched to the ruff goodness gracious knows how 
 I don t ! 
 
 Wai, when the curtain was all rolled up snug, there raly was 
 a picter wortli looking on behind it. There was a great high 
 mountain with rail fences cutting across it, and bridges and 
 trees, that made a feller feel oneasy to git into the shade, and 
 oxen and cows and folks a driving em, going along the road, 
 that run around slantindicular to the top, and there, jest at the 
 foot of the hill, was a purty leetle house half kivered over with 
 grape vines and morning glories that made me think of hum till 
 I could a bust out crying as well as not. 
 
 All to once there was a toot horn sounded up among the 
 rocks, and then oh creation ! what a grist of liarnsome gals cum 
 a dancing and larfing and hopping down the mountain, all with 
 curls a flying and posies twisted among em, and white frocks 
 on, and ribbons a streaming out every which way, and sich feet, 
 I swanny it made mo ketch my breath to see em a cutting 
 about under their white petticoats. 
 
208 /IGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 they got down onto the flat before the house, the way 
 they cut i* down heel and toe, right and left, down outside and 
 up the middle, was enough to make the York tippes, the darned 
 lazy coots, ashamed of themselves. It was Down East all over ! 
 they put it down about right, with the ginuine Yankee grit. 
 I felt all in a twitter to git down and shake a toe with them. 
 It would be worth while to cut a double shuffle among so many 
 liarnsome gals, with a hull pen chuck full of fiddles a reeling off 
 the music for you. I ll be darned, Par, if I don t believe it would 
 make the blood streak it through your old veins about the 
 quickest, if you be a Justice of the Peace and a Deacon of the 
 Church. 
 
 Arter a while a feller cum up that looked just like a tinpedler 
 out of work a sneaking critter with a face like a jack-knife, and 
 a white hat on turned clear up on the sides till the fto^* an 
 back was pinted like a butter scoop. He begun stepping abo 
 and making motions with his arms, till the gals cut up the hill 
 to work agin, like a coop fall of chickens scattered by a hen 
 hawk. 
 
 The chap was a strutting about as crank as a woodchuck, when 
 in come Miss Elssler a hundred times handsomer than she was to 
 hum, wheeling a wheel-barrow with a churn in it. 
 
 Gauly oppalus! but wasn t she a sneezer! The rest wasn t no 
 more to compare with her than a dandalion is to a cabbage rose. 
 On she cum a teetering along as genteel as a bobalink in a wheat 
 lot. She had on a straw hat curled up at the sides that made 
 her handsome face look so cunning ; besides this she wore a sort 
 of a new fashioned jacket with short sleeves, that showed a pair 
 of the roundest fattest arms all sort of tapering off to the hand 
 u purty lee tie fiuefied hand as white as curd, and that looked 
 eenamost as soft too. With the hat on and the jacket you might 
 have took her for an allfired harnsome boy, but there was no mis 
 take about the rest. Mary Beebe couldn t raise a bigger bump 
 than she had on. Arter all, the boys and gals clothing pulled 
 about an even yoke on her. She had on a short petticoat that 
 showed a purty considerable chunk of understandings, that ta 
 pered off into a pair of feet, that looked as if they couldn t bo 
 hired to keep still on no account. Take her for all, I can t but 
 
Br JONATHAN S5.ICK. 20C 
 
 allow, that she was a smasher in the way of beauty, and her 
 manners were sartinly very genteel. 
 
 The minit she cum <>n, the folks in the theatre begun to stomp, 
 and yell, and kick up a darned of a fuss ; with that she dropped 
 her wheel-barrow as if it had been a hot potater, and begun to 
 curchy, ana smile, and put that consarned hand agin her heart, 
 till I bejnm to ketch breath like a pair of bellerses. 
 
 It took nigh upon three minits afore the consarned fellers 
 would stop their yop ; but when they did choke in a leetle, she 
 ketched up the wheel-barrow and scooted up the mountain with 
 it, a teetering and sidling along like a young colt when they are 
 a breaking him to the bit. 
 
 The tin pedler chap, he poked on arter, and gin the wheel 
 barrow a boost once in a while as chipper as could be. It made 
 my dander rise to see the chap a hankering arter her so. If she 
 wanted to take a shine to a Yankee why couldn t she a found a 
 feller worth a looking at? But sometimes it does seem as if 
 these gals couldn t tell bran when the bag s open the brightest 
 on em. I say nothing, but it seems to me that she might a gin 
 one peak up to the Astor House box. I guess it would have 
 made that chap sing small if she had. 
 
 Wai, arter all, the critters both came back agin. The gal had 
 a red ribbon in her hand and she d lost her straw hat somewhere 
 in the bushes. It raly did beat all how she tanteralized that he 
 coot with the ribbon; fust she made as if she d give it to him, 
 and jest as he gripped it, away it slipped through his fingers and 
 she flourished it now on one side his head, and now on t other, 
 as if it had been a streak of lightning she was a playing with. It 
 tickled me eenamost to death to see how darned sheepish the 
 critter looked when she sort of hovered about him with the rib 
 bon, now a sticking that tarnal sweet coaxing face into his n so 
 pert, and then darnsing off as easy as git out, with the red ribbon 
 a streaming from her fingers so sarsy. 
 
 Oh gracious! I d a gin something to have been in that feller a 
 shoes, I swan if I wouldn t a give her a buss right before em 
 all I couldn t a help d it if all creation had been at the door, and 
 I swan, Par, I believe you d a up and give her a smack tu if you d 
 been by, old as you be The sight of her tarnal sweat winning 
 14 
 
210 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 ways was enough to rile up the blood in a feller s heart, if he waj 
 as old and frosty as Mathusaler s. 
 
 I don t wonder that the fellers stomped and clapped their 
 paws, I m afear d I let out a young arthquake myself in that 
 way. I tried to hold in, but it wasn t the leastest might of use. 
 That gal is like a sky-rocket, she busts right on a feller and takes 
 away his senses with the blaze. I settled right down like a cab 
 bage sprout in a hot sun. 
 
 Arter a while the gals all come down from the mountain agin, 
 and begun to cut up their tantrums ; then a harnsome man with 
 a cap and feathers on, and clothes all kivered with silver and 
 gold and precious stones, come tipping along leading a great 
 strapping woman as tall as all out-doors, and dressed off in green 
 like a bull-frog. They went into a leetle sort of a cubby house 
 with glass winders, and sot down to see the rest dance. 
 
 Didn t they cut the dashes though ! helter skelter, hurra boys; 
 they went at it like a flock of sheep at salting time. By-am-by 
 they all give out, and my gal, Fanny, she stood up with the leetle 
 Yankee as if she was a going to dance a jig. She d put on 
 another petticoat streaked yaller and blue, but insted of running 
 up *nd down, the streaks were a foot wide, and run round and 
 round like the hoops of a barrel. She d lost her hat, and a swad 
 of the shineyest black hair that ever I saw on a gal s head was 
 kinder slicked down on the sides, and twistified up in a knot 
 behind her harn-ome shaped head, and then topped off with a 
 bunch of red roses and a pink ribbon that hung streaming down 
 her back about as long as marm ties your cue, Par, when you go 
 to meeting. 
 
 Wai, the leetle chap he begun to dance fust, and I thought I 
 should a haw-hawed right out to see him strain and exart him 
 self, while she stood by with her tarnal cunning head stuck a 
 one side, so tickled, that the tee-hee fairly bust through, and 
 made her larf sort cf easy all over, but he didn t seem to know 
 that she was a poking fun at him. 
 
 When the chap got through, Miss Elssler she jest sidled up as 
 softly as a snow storm gin her foot a twirl, and took a sort of 
 genteel dive as if she was a going to swim in the air. Oh dear, 
 didn t she swim, too ! It was like a bird on an apple tree limb 
 
BY JONATHAN M.K X 211 
 
 In spring tine, or a boy s kite a sailing and ducking to a south 
 wind. She didn t kick about, and shuffle, and all that, as I ve 
 ieen em do ; nor did she pucker and twist and sidle like the 
 darned lazy varmints that I ve seen among the fashionable big 
 bugs ; but she was as chirk as a bird, as quick as a grasshopper, 
 and as soft as a mealy potatoe with the skin off. 
 
 By-am-by she broke off short, and spread out her hands, and 
 curchied to the chap sort of sarsy, as if Lu say, "Beat that if 
 you can." 
 
 Then the feller he tried agin, and then she, turn about, till at 
 last she let herself off like a fire cracker on the fourth of July. 
 One foot flew up into the air like a bird s wing, and whiz off 
 she went like a she comet kicked on eend. Then she sort of let 
 her foot down by degrees, as a hawk folds its wing, and sloped oil 
 easy, a spreading her hands to the feller, and curchying so sarsy, 
 as much as to say, 
 
 " Try and beat that, now du! all over agin if you can." 
 
 The critter sneaked off as if he couldn t help it, then the show 
 went on, all of em talking in signs like deaf and dumb folks 
 But it would take a week of Sundays to tell you all. To give 
 you the butt eend, she was married to the harnsorne chap that 
 run off with her ; and out she cum all in white, with diamonds 
 in her hair and on her neck, and her frock shone with em like 
 a snowball bush kivered with dew in the arly summer. Good 
 ness gracious! wasn t she a beauty without paint or whitewash, 
 and didn t she dance I The folks stomped and yelled like a pack 
 of Injuns, when the chap gave her a grip round the waist, and 
 she stood on one toe with t other leg stuck out, and her head 
 twisted toward his bosom, a twittering like a white swan that 
 would a flown clear off, if the feller hadn t held on like all natur. 
 It raly seemed as if you could a seen the white feathers a ruffling 
 up she was so eager to lly away. 
 
 Consarn that chap darn him to darnation, I say! It mado 
 me riley to see him a holding on her as if there warn t nobody in 
 creation but himself. I ll be hanged and choked to death if it 
 wouldn t a done me good to have licked him on the spot. The 
 mean finefied varmint! It was lucky the curtain went down 
 
212 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 OS-smash as it did. It give ine time to kinder think what I was 
 a doing, or he d a ketched it. 
 
 I d eenamost forgot about the auction, for arter the Astor 
 House chap read the card, I begun to think there was 8ome mis 
 take ; but by-ani-by out come a queer looking chap, as chirk as 
 a catydid, and he begun to sing oif a lot of men and women folks 
 to auction. 
 
 Think sez I, goodness gracious ! if any body but me bids off 
 that harnsome critter, I shall go off the handle ; I sartinly shall. 
 He d knocked off an old maid and a widder, and an Irishman, 
 and was jest a crying up an old bachelor, when I made up my 
 mind to bid on her any way, if I had to sell the old sloop, 
 garden sarse and all, to toe the mark. 
 
 I knew the sloop and cargo wasn t mine, but that gal had got 
 into my head, and I didn t seem to know right from wrong. I 
 forgot Judy White and all the gals on arth for the time being. 
 The feller kept a singing out and a knocking on em off, but I 
 didn t hear nobody bid, so I s posed they did it by winking. 
 They tell me that s the fashion at the big York vendues. At 
 the very tip eend of the batch, he up and said he d got the best 
 one yet for the young men to bid on, a gal jest eighteen, and 
 then he run on with a lot of soft sodcler about her, but I can t 
 write what he said, I was in such a twitteration. Think sez I, 
 it s Fanny Elssler as sure as a gun, and I ll be darn d if any of 
 them chaps out-wink me, so I got up and bent for ard clear over 
 the cushion, and the way I snapped my eyewinkers at the 
 auctioneer was awful savage I can tell you. 
 
 " No more bids," sez he, a histiug his fist, " no more bids, 
 going !" Here I winked like all natur. " Going." 1 snapped 
 my eyes till they a most struck fire, and I stuck out my fist to 
 arms length and my breath seemed to stop short, I was so dread 
 ful eager. " Gone 1" sez the chap, a stepping back and a lifting 
 his hand as if he didn t care if I shook to death, and then he 
 made a bow to the folks in ginral, and sez he, 
 
 * Yours with one eye out." 
 
 I sallied back and clapped my hand to my eye, for at first I 
 thought mebby it was out, I d winked so etarnal aruest but 
 
BY JONATHAN PI.ICK. 21 ) 
 
 there it was, safe and sound, and some etarnal wall-eyed coot 
 had got that harnsomo critter away from me. At first I was 
 mad enough to bite a tenpenny nail in tu without chawing ; then 
 I began to feel dreadful wamblecropped, and eenamost boo- 
 hooed out a crying. In the eend I made up my mind that it 
 was a mean cheat, and that I d have the gal in spite of all the 
 one-eyed fellers in all creation ; u for," sez I, " it aint the natur 
 of things that a critter could wink with one eye as fast as I could 
 with both winkers under full steam, so I jest made up my mind 
 to look out the auctioneer, and stick up for my rights. 
 
 There was another play, but I felt so down in the mouth that I 
 up and went right straight off in sarch of that auctioneer, but 
 nobody seemed to understand who I wanted, till, arter wander 
 ing around like a cat in a strange garret ever so long, I asked tho 
 man at the door; and lie said the chap had gone hum, but that 
 he d be there agin to-morrow night. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, "I ll come and see him agin, and he ll find out I 
 aint to be imposed upon if I am from the country." 
 
 With that I went back to the Astor House box, jest in time to 
 see Fanny Elssler, the critter I d been bidding off, out on tLe 
 stage agin. 
 
 There she was, all dressed out in yaller silk, with heaps on 
 heaps of the black shiney lace a streaming over it, a hopping 
 about and twistifying round like a love-sick yaller-hannm-r hun 
 kering arter a mate. She had a rattle-box on each hand, and she 
 gin a rattle at every new twist, and sometimes it was rattle, rattle, 
 rattle, as swift as lightning, and then twist, twist, twist; now her 
 head eenamost bumped ajrin the floor, and the hump on her back 
 stuck up higher than ever; then her arms went curlecueing ovei 
 her head, and the rattle-boxes gin out a whole hail-storm of 
 noises, and then she d stick her arms out at full length and sidle 
 off, dragging her feet along kind of easy, till I raly didn t know 
 what she was a doing, till I looked on the piece of paper the man 
 gin me, and saw that she was a doing up a Cachuca ; but if it 
 wasn t dancing, it sartinly was fust cousin to it, or I aint a judge 
 of cat-fish. But then who knows but Cachuca is French for 
 dancing ? I don t ! any how, she sartinly cachukied it off like 
 all natur, and no mistake. 
 
214 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 By-am-by she give her foot a flirt out and her arms a flourish 
 upwards, and off she was a going like a trout with a fish-hook in 
 his mouth ; but the folks begun to holler and yell, and take on 
 so, that she had to cum back whether or no. 
 
 She cum back sort of modest, a curchying and a smiling, and 
 looking so consarned harnsome and mealy-mouthed, that I 
 thought the men would bust the ruff right off from the theatre, 
 they stomped and yelled, and made such darned coots of them 
 selves. All to once, down cum a hull baking of posies, all around 
 her, as thick as hops. But there wasn t none of them a priming 
 to the one I had stuffed, stem downwards, in the crown of my 
 hat. 
 
 I jumped up, and gripped the consarn with both hands, and 
 when the rest had got through, I drew back both hands with a 
 4 erk, and it whizzed downwards with the yaller ribbons a stream 
 ing out, right over the row of lamps, and the pen full of fiddlers, 
 till it fell ca-swash right down to Miss ELssler s feet. 
 
 Gaulyofnlus! didn t she give a jump ! and didn t the folks in 
 the theatre set up another pow-wow, that a most lifted the ruff 
 off the theatre! The chaps seemed to have a notion what a 
 bunch of posies ought to be when mine cum down amongst the 
 mean leetle bunches that they d been a throwing, and sent them 
 a streaming every which way. 
 
 Miss Elssler, arter the fust jump, looked tickled a most to death 
 to see such a whopper a lying there, so tempting and sweet ; and 
 I ruther guess she took a squint, and sent one of her tarnal killing 
 amiles towards a good looking sort of a chap, about my size, that 
 sot with a checkered vest on a leaning over the Astor House box. 
 I say nothing, but Jonathan Slick haint been to husking balls and 
 apple cuts ever since he was knee high to a toad, without know 
 ing the cut of a gal s looks when she s taken a shine to you, or 
 wants you to see her hum. 
 
 I gin her a sort of a knowing squint and a half bow, jest to let 
 her see that she needn t feel uneasy for fear that I shouldn t toe 
 the mark ; and then I sot still, but awful impatient, till a chap 
 cum in and picked up a hull armful of the posies He had to git 
 down on one of his marrow bones and boost hard at the whop 
 per that I flung; and when Miss Elssler took era all in her 
 
BY JONATHAN M.ICK. 215 
 
 and curchied over and over agin, that bunch of mine lay right 
 a^rin her bosom, and spread oat so as a most to kiver her harn- 
 some white neck. Jest as she was a going off on one side, she 
 gin another of her tarnal sweet squints up to where I sot, and 
 then stuck that harnsome face of her n down into my posey so 
 tantalizing, I swan, I couldn t stand it no longer, but up I got, 
 and in less than no time I coaxed the door-keeper to show me 
 the way back of the theatre, where the critter was. 
 
 The chap took me along that entry way, up stairs by the 
 Astor House box, and through a leetle narrow door, and there he 
 left me on the top of a lot of stairs that looked as if they d take 
 me down into sumbody s cellar. Sich a tarnal, dark, pokerish set 
 of things I never did see, that s a fact. But I d got the steam up, 
 and there aint no whoa to me at sich times, so down I went, 
 hickle-te-picklety, head fust among the paint-pots and boards, 
 and slabs, and smoky lamps, and arter wandering around like the 
 babes in the woods, I cum ca-smash right into a room chuck full 
 of the darncing gals that I d been half in love with all the 
 evening. 
 
 Oh gracious! it made me sick to think what a tarnal coot I d 
 been a making of myself. Some of the critters that I d thought 
 so darned harnsome were as old as the hills, and as homely as a 
 tsassafras root, close tu. The paint and white-wash was an inch 
 thick on some of their faces, and most on em were a cutting about 
 the room as awk ard as a flock of sheep jest arter shearing time 
 and these were the light purty critters that had a inost drove 
 ine off the handle, they looked so harnsome and taking a leetle 
 way off. I swow, but it a most sot me agin all the feminine 
 gender to think I d made such a shote of myself as to take such 
 a shine to them as I had. 
 
 The room was chock full of folks. There were old men and 
 young ones, and all sorts of critters dressed off jest as I d seen 
 em in the play ; but they didn t look no more like the same crit 
 ters, close to em, than chalk s like a new milk s cheese. That 
 darn d leetle Yankee chap was there, and while I was consider 
 ing whether it was best to scrape acquaintance or not, the ideuta 
 cal auctioneer that had knocked off the old maids find widderSj 
 and Fanny Easier into the bargain, stood right agin me. I felt 
 
216 HIGH LJTL IX NEW VORK. 
 
 tny dander rise the minit I sot eyes on him, so I went up to thi 
 Yankee chap, and sez I 
 
 "You can t tell me who that chap is, can you?" 
 
 The Yankee looked round, and sez he 
 
 "Oh, yes, that s Billy Williams, a good hearted comical chap as 
 ever lived. Don t you know him sir ? I thought every body 
 knew Billy Williams." 
 
 "I don t know jest yet, but I guess I shall afore long," sez I, 
 a looking pitchforks and hatchel teeth at the auctioneer, and with 
 that I walked right straight up to him, with my hands dug down 
 into my trousers pockets, as savage as could be, and sez I 
 
 "How do you du sir? I ll jest speak a few words to you, if 
 you haint no objection." 
 
 " Sartinly," sez he, as easy as all natur, and with that he got 
 up and walked out of the room, and I arter him, till we cum out 
 onto a sort of an etarnal big barn floor that was shut out from 
 the rest of the Theatre, by that whopping curtain that I d seen 
 the t other side on it. There was a hull regiment of empty haj 
 lofts or what looked jest like em, great naked rafters and posts, 
 with rows of smoky lamps stuck on em, and what looked like 
 pieces of board fence daubed over with all sorts of paint, and tha 
 wind come a whistling and croaking among them all, till my 
 teeth a most begun to chatter in my head. 
 
 I was so busy a wondering what on arth those awfsl dismal 
 premises could be used for, that I forgot the auctioneer, till lie 
 turned round as good natured as a sucking pig, and asked what I 
 wanted of him. 
 
 44 Look a here," sez I, as wrothy as could be for the cold, " I 
 want the gal that I bid off in the Theatre to-night, so you jest 
 hand over and save trouble, that s all." 
 
 The feller he stared at me like a stuck pig, and then he bust 
 right out a larfing in my face as if he meant to make fun of it 
 all, but he d got hold of the wrong chicken for that sort of corn, 
 and I give him to understand as much afore he d done with me. 
 
 " IM o w," sez I, " look a here. It aint of no use for you to try 
 to bamboozle me with your haw-hawing. I want the gal that 
 I bid off I don t care how much the charge is. I ll hand over 
 ihe chink the minit you ll go to one of thorn pesky lawyers and 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 217 
 
 git the deed drawn out. I m sartin that I outwinkcd every .chap 
 ill the theatre, and darn me if I give up to any of em." 
 
 He stared at fust like a calf s head jest dressed, and then he 
 bust out a larn n, till I was mad enough to kick him on eend till he 
 flew up into one of the empty hay lofts. 
 
 " Come," sez I, " do you mean to toe the mark or not? I m 
 getting awful tingley about the fingers eends, I can tell you." 
 
 " Now," sez he, a sobering down a leetle, u did you take rn 
 for an auctioneer, in rale arnest?" 
 
 I began to feel sort of uusartin what to say, and instead of 
 speaking right out, I circumnavigated a leetle, for a sort ot a 
 notion cum over me, that mebby, arterall, it wasn t nothing but 
 make-believe, and that I was jest on the point of making a con- 
 Kirned coot of myself. 
 
 u Wai, now, you did it up as cute as a razor, didn t you?" sez 
 I. " It was eenamost enough to make a feller think that you 
 was in arnest, wasn t it? but then I aint quite sich a green horn 
 as some chaps that come from the country, and know what s 
 what. I haint seen anything that tickled me so much as that 
 that " 
 
 " Comic song," sez he. 
 
 "Oh," sez I, as quick as wink, u you needn t take a feller up 
 afore he s down. I was jest a going to say that you raly are a 
 sneezer at saying over them comic songs, and sartinly you do 
 look as uat ral as life. In course I knew there warn t no wail- 
 eyed critter a bidding, and thought I d jest see if you was as 
 cute a looking critter close to. More than that, I ve got a notion 
 to take a peak at the fixins back of the eurtain close tu so 
 ^ posing you and I jest walk among them hills, and housen, and 
 trees, that looked so plaguey cool and shady." 
 
 I kept on a talking so that he needn t see how tarrial sheepish 
 I felt, arter making sich a coot of myself as to believe he d sold 
 Miss Elssler in rale arnest. 
 
 "Why," sez he, us good natured as could be, "here you are, 
 right in the midst of all the trees and hills and houses that you 
 saw in front." 
 
 " Oh, now, you git out 1" sez I, " I aiat green enough to swal- 
 ler that, any how." 
 
918 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 He looked round at a pile of old wooden partitions, daubed 
 over with paint, and a standing edgeways, and sort of slantindi- 
 cular, under the naked rafters and hay lofts, and sez he 
 
 " I m in arnest now this is all the scenery that you saw from 
 the front. You stand on the stage, jest back of where I sung my 
 comic song, and that is the curtain." 
 
 "What, that old sloop sail?" sez I. " How you du talk! I 
 sniggers, but I can t believe it." 
 
 " Jest go to the curtain and look through the edge there," sez 
 he. 
 
 And with that he went with me, and pulled back the edge of 
 the curtain, and I gin a sudden peak through. Sure enough, the 
 theatre was right before me, chuck full of folks, jest as I d left it ; 
 and the pen full of fiddlers, was a streaming out the music right 
 under my nose, till I couldn t hear myself think. When I turned 
 round agin, and see how awful dark and chilly every thing looked, 
 and found myself wandering with Mr. Williams among a hull 
 univarse of posts, and boards, and lamps, and painted cloth, I felt 
 chilled through and through, as if I d got ketched in a rain storm, 
 and had found kiver in a saw mill. Nothing but a rickety old 
 barn, or a lot full of white pine stumps, could look half so dismal. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, if this is the theatre, I pity the poor critters 
 that s got to get a living in it, any how." 
 
 " It s bad enuf," sez Mr. Williams, a twistifying up his face sort 
 of comical, and yit looking as if he d bust out a crying if you 
 said two words more, u its bad enuf, but then we put the best 
 side out." 
 
 "I should think you did," sez I, a looking round; but jest that 
 minit I got a squint at a gal, a streaking it through the posts and 
 boards, all kivered over with a cloak, but there warn t no cheat 
 ing me in the critter. I knew in the dark who it was nobody 
 on arth but Miss Elssler could walk so teaterish. My heart riz 
 in my mouth, and without stopping to say goodnight, I cut away 
 from Mr. Williams and pulled foot after her like all possessed. 
 She was jest a going out of a dark entryway that led out doors, 
 when I ketched up with her. 
 
 " How do you du, Miss Elssler?" sez I, all in a twitter , " shall 
 I have the pleasure to see you hum ?" 
 
B\* JOXA MAN Si.lC K. 219 
 
 With that, I crooked my right elbow and looked right straight 
 down iuto .he darndest cou.-anied, hanisomest pair of eyes, as 
 arne^t as could be, for I was awfully afcard of gitting the mitten; 
 but she looked up and see who it was a standing there, with the 
 blood a biling up into his face, and a trembling all over, he was 
 so arnest; and then she up and give me one of them tantalizing 
 smiles of her n, and sez she, as natural as life, sez she 
 
 "Oh, Mr. Slick, I am so pleased to see you again," and witn 
 that she laid them purty white fingers of her n on my coat sleeve 
 jest as if I had been her twin brother. Gracious goodnessl how 
 the blood did tingle and cut about up my arm, and all around the 
 viciuity-of my life engine, the ininit that etarnal purty leetle hand 
 touched my arm; but when I helped her down them dark steps, 
 and had to put my arm kinder round her waist to keep her from 
 slipping up, I never did feel so all overish in my hull life. It 
 seemed as if I could a danced on one toe with her to all eternity, 
 and never felt a hungry nor a dry. There was a coach stood close 
 to the steps right by the back door of the theatre, and a feller 
 stood by it a holding the door open. Miss Elssler kinder staggered 
 a trifle as I went to help her in, so I lent her the leetlest mite of 
 a genteel boo.^t and got in arter her, jest as if I was tu hum. The 
 inside of the carriage was chuck full of posies, and there I sot 
 right in th< middle on em, with that consarned harnsome critter 
 a smiling and a talking her soft sodder right in my face till I got 
 to the Astor House. Gaully offilus ! wasn t I as happy as a bee 
 on a red clover top ! You don t know nothing about it, Par. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
220 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 LETTER XXIII. 
 
 Jonathan gets out of love with Fanny Elssler Doctors the Ague in 
 her Face and Leaves her Receives an Invitation from his Pusaj 
 Cousin to a Thanksgiving Dinner, with a three cornered Note for 
 Lord Morpeth Jonathan s Opinion of the Travelling Lords and 
 Democratic Hospitality. 
 
 PAR : 
 
 When I d seen Miss Elssler hum arter the Theatre, I couldn t 
 shut my eyes all night a thinking about her. She seems to get 
 into a critter s head like a glass of Cousin Beebe s cider, and 
 dances about there till everything else is kicked out. Her harn- 
 some face seemed to be a bending over mine and smiling into my 
 eyes through the dark all night, and if it was to save my life, I 
 couldn t get a wink of sleep. Sometimes it seemed as if she was 
 a whirling round and round with one toe on the bed post, a 
 spreading out her hands so tempting, and flymg about jest at mj 
 feet. Then again it seemed to me as if she was a standing in a 
 corner of the room and holding her finger up jest to tantalize me, 
 larfing in her sweet, cunning way, and a cutting up all sorts of 
 tantrims, jest to keep me awake all night. I got up arly in the 
 morning, but it wasn t of the leastest mite of use my trying to do 
 any tiling but think of that consarned critter; so arter trying to 
 write a letter without making out anything for two hull hours, 
 I slicked up and went down to Miss Elssler s room determined to 
 give up to once, and not try any more, but jest stay with her till 
 it was time to go to the sloop, and take a cold cut as we d agreed 
 on. 
 
 I felt in a tarnation twitter, for all she d asked me to cum ; but 
 I knocked at the door artd walked straight in as if I d been tu 
 hum. Miss Elssler was a half lying on that settee that I wrote 
 to you about ; her head was boosted up with pillows and cush 
 ions with tossels to the arms, and them consarned leetle feet of 
 hern jest peaked out fro. n under a great red shawl that she d flung 
 
HY JONATHAN SLICK. 221 
 
 over cm. She ris up sort of quick as I cum in, and kinder triod to 
 Biuile, but oh ! gracious, how her face looked I I cut right off snort 
 with a jerk in the how I was a making, and stared at her with 
 all the eyes I d got in my head. She d got the ager, and that 
 harnsome face of hern was puckered and twistified up till it look 
 ed as if she d been fed on crab-apples for a whole month. 
 
 Her cheeks were swelled a trifle and as red as a piney, and her 
 eyes kinder sunk in till you couldn t but jest see em twinkle, and 
 when she started herself to larf, her mouth tipped up at one cor 
 ner and down at t other, till it cut across her face slantindie lar, 
 and made her look all one side every time she squinched her face. 
 I swow, but it made me feel wamblecropped to see her ; I begun 
 to think there wasn t much chance for a cold bite aboard the 
 sloop that day, but think sez I, there s no harm in doctoring any 
 how. So I thought over all the cures marm has for the ager, and 
 arter calling a waiter, I told him to bring up about a peck of hops 
 biling hot with vinegar. 
 
 When the chap cum back, I tied a hull swad of em in a pink 
 silk long shawl that I found a lying on a chair, and crossed them 
 over the critter ;- face, and tied the shawl in a double bow knot 
 on the top of her head; but the hops were rather hot I reckon, 
 and she squalled out like all natur till I took em off, and sent the 
 waiter off for a ginger plaster and a bag of hot ashes. Arter 
 she d tried them a few minits, they seemed to mollify the ager 
 quite considerable ; but as the pain went off, her face begun to 
 swell and puff up, like a baking of bread wet up with turnpike 
 emptins, and I see that there warn t no chance left of her going 
 to Captin Doolittle s cold bite, nor nowhere else for a long 
 spell. 
 
 By-am-by that old maid, that Fd seen before, she cum in, and 
 begun too look pitchforks and darning-needles at me, as if she 
 thought my room was as gtod as my company, so I up and went 
 off, jest stopping to make a leetle chunk of a bow at the door, to 
 let the old maid see I hadn t forgot my manners if she had. 
 
 I cut for my room, feeling a leetle streaked to think how I d 
 been a follering round arter Miss Elssler. I d been a hankering 
 arter that critter for nothing on arth but her harnsome face and 
 
222 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 finefied manners, when a tnfle of cold could transmogrify it BO 
 tarnally. It made me feel cheap, and I couldn t help it. 
 
 Harm al rs said that harb tea was a cure all, but raly I never 
 should a thought of taking it to get rid of a lovesick fit, and arter 
 all I m afeared that Miss Elssler s face will git cured up afore I 
 git over the tantrum it s sot me into. 
 
 Wai, when I d got to my room agin, there was a letter OB 
 the mantle shelf, sealed with a great whopping bunch of wax, and 
 stomped down with a round " 0," as big as a cent, with a roos 
 ter stuck right in the middle of it. I broke the consarn open, 
 and found out it was an invite to Thanksgiving Dinner to Cousin 
 Jason Slick s. Arter writing a hull page of soft sodder, the 
 pussy coot let the cat out of the bag. There s an English lord a 
 putting up here, and he wanted me to ask him up to his house to 
 dinner, and said Lord Morpeth would sartinly come if I asked 
 him, because we were both kinder of literary together. 
 
 Now, if there s anything on arth that I despise, it s a genuine 
 true born Yankee a hankering arter the big- bug lords that come 
 over here, on y jest because they ve got along tail to their names. 
 For my part, I haint no idee of demeaning myself in that way 
 anyhow. If a lord behaves himself like folks, he s as good as a 
 Yankee any day ; and he ought to be treated jest as well, and I 
 don t think the most ginuine republican amongst us ought to be 
 ashamed to ask him to take pot luck or a glass of drink, if he 
 likes it. 
 
 As long as they treat us according to gunter, when we go to 
 see them on t other side of the water, it is no more than the fair 
 thing if we take turn about, and do the genteel by them a trifle. 
 We ought to feel streaked with all our lands and barns full of 
 grain, if we can t give a foreign chap something to eat and drink 
 without grudging on it, and then agin, without being tickled 
 to death because they don t feel too much pomposity to eat it. 
 
 Jason had sent a leetle finefied letter inside of mine, doubled 
 over and twisted up at the corners like an old fashioned cocked 
 hat, and smelling as sweet as a garden pink root in full blow. It 
 was directed in leetle finefied writing to His Highness the Right 
 Honorable Lord Morpeth Howard Member of Parliament, &c., 
 
HY JONATHAN BUCK. 223 
 
 &c. Think sez I, this English chap needn t be consarned that 
 his kite wont sail high among the Yankees for want of a long 
 tail to it, if they all tuck the etceteras onto his name so strong 
 as cousin Jase does. 
 
 13 at I hadn t no idee of being waiter to my pussy cousin, any 
 how. If Jase has a mind to send his invite to a lord, done up 
 like a cocked hat, let him be his own nigger, or else send it by the 
 post-office I wasn t a going to do it for him nor touch it. No 
 lord that is any great shakes will think the better of an honest 
 Republican for acting as if he was scared to asK him to eat din 
 ner, or tickled to death if he didn t feel tu much stuck up to come 
 with plain Yankee asking. 
 
 I made up my mind, that if Lord Morpetb took a notion to 
 eat Thanksgiving with Jase, he d be jest as likely to get his paper 
 cocked hat from the Post Office, as anywhere. So, as I was a 
 going through the Park, I took the consarn between my thumb 
 and finger, for fear of siling it, and tucked it through s slit in the 
 post office, made a purpose for city letters ; and off I went, a 
 tickling myself eenamost to death, with thinking how the post 
 office clarks would giggle and stare, and snuff up their noses to 
 Bee such a pinted critter directed to a Lord, and a smelling so 
 eweet, with a long tail of names curled up in all the corners, 
 and Lord Morpeth, tu, wouldn t he set our Jase down for v 
 ehaller pated coot ? I ve a kind of a sneaking notion that it s an 
 like as not he would, but that s none of my bisness. In this coun 
 try, a feller aint to blame for his relations, that s one comfort 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLU^- 
 
224 HIGH LIFE IV NEW YORK. 
 
 LETTER XXIV. 
 
 Description of Cousin Jason s Equipage Figure cut by Mrs. Jason 
 Slick and her Daughter Manners of a Noble Lord The Dinner. 
 Jason boasts of his Birth, Heraldry, and Coat of Arms Jonathan 
 creates great Consternation by proclaiming the Head of the Family 
 as a Shoemaker Makes a Speech. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 Wai, next day was Thanksgiving, and down come another let 
 ter to say that Lord Morpeth was a coining, and that Jase was a 
 going to send down his span fired new carriage to the Astor 
 House, arter Lord Morpeth and I, afore dinner time ; and he gin 
 me to understand, that if I could keep the carriage a spell afore 
 the Astor House steps, where folks could get a chance to see the 
 new fixings and horses, there wouldn t be no harm done to 
 nobody, the darned mean pussy coot ! When a feller tries to 
 make me do a mean thing I m awful ugly, my Yankee grit is up 
 in a jiffy, and I m jest like a skeery horse that al rs backs up hill 
 when you want to lead him down. 
 
 Afore this I d been on a cyphering voyage through my purse 
 to see if I couldn t afford to go down to Lynde & Jennings and 
 bye a new narrow collar d coat and some other daiidy consarns, 
 seeing I was a going to dine with a Lord ; but when this letter 
 cum i detarmmecl to go in the old fix up, jest to let this Lord and 
 my pussy cousin see a ginuine Yankee that wasn t ashamed of 
 hisself in a homespun coat and trousers. 
 
 Howsomever I gin myself a purty good sudsing, and shaved as 
 close as a Wall street broker ; besides I did some extra fixing to 
 my collar and hair, and paired off my finger-nails harnsouiely, and 
 scrubbed the yaller from off my teeth with the corner of a brown 
 towel that I found in my saddle-bags ; for there aint no reason 
 that I know on, why a true born American shouldn t wash up 
 and keep a clean face and a stiff upper lip, if he does weed his 
 own onions and wear a humspun coat. A chap may live in a land 
 
BY JOXATI1 IX SLICK. 225 
 
 of Liberty and let these lords know it tu, without swellin like a 
 toad to outshine the British, or going slouching about as if wo 
 put a tax on soap and water, jest as they do on winder glass. 
 
 For my part, I didn t mean to let Lord .Morpeth think that we 
 give so much soft soap hero in York without keeping enough to 
 wash our own faces on thanksgiving day. 
 
 When I was lixed up about tu the right noch, down stairs I 
 went, with the eend of my checkered silk neck-hankercher a 
 tucked under my streaked vest, my hair slicked down on both 
 sides, my face a shining like a new pin, and my boots blacked up 
 till they glistened like a gal s eye. 
 
 I tucked up my yaller silk hankercher clear into my coat 
 pocket, for I didn t feel like showing all out to once, and I put my 
 new mittens on sort a careless, and streaked the blue and red 
 fringe up as I went down the Astor House steps through a 
 double row of dandies that had swarmed out of the stun hall 
 above to see my pussey cousin s carriage and horses that stood a 
 gli.-tening jest afore the house. 
 
 There the carriage stood right in Broadway, about the dash- 
 ingest consarn that ever I sot eyes on. The wheels were a good 
 ways apart and black as a minister s coat, and a great harnsome 
 box swuiiir over em, shut up tight, and a glistening in the sun till 
 it a most blinded a feller s eye-sight to look on it. There wa-^ a 
 door on each side as big as them in the pulpit of our meeting 
 house, with a whopping square of glass in the top and bottom all 
 figgered off with gold, and then crouchonts, and lions, and 
 roosters all pictered out. in gold tu, and looking as nat ral as life, 
 for all they were so yaller and jammed down in a heap till it 
 seemed as if the lions would roar right out, and the rooster give 
 a coo-co-doo-dle-do if any body went tu tuch them. 
 
 Behind the hull consarn, was a great wide flat stair, with two 
 pussy fellers a standing on it, each on em holding to a yaller 
 tossel fixed tight to the coach and dressed out like folks in the 
 theatre, with great high boots, and topped off with a wide rim 
 of white, wide white cuffs to their coats, and white ribbons and 
 beans twisted round their hats. 
 
 Right in front was a seat with a great square cushion on it, 
 ind all hung off with the finest kind of boughten cloth and piles 
 15 
 
226 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 of heavy yaller fringe, with the golden lions, and crouchants, and 
 roosters pictered out and a glistening among the folds, till it 
 a most outshined the sun and that was purty bright for No 
 vember. 
 
 A tall feller dressed out like the chaps behind, sot on this heap 
 of gimcracks with a great long whip stuck up by his elbow, and 
 a holding in two tremendous harnsome black horses that stood 
 hitched to the carriage, under a hull net of black shiney leather, 
 golden buckles, and deers heads cut out in chunks of gold, and 
 sot on to the blinder, and saddle-trees, and every place an inch 
 square that they could be poked in. 
 
 If there is a critter on arth that I take tu, it s a good horse, 
 and I couldn t help but be proud of them smashing arnimals as 
 they shook their heads up so sarsy, as if the sun hadn t no busi 
 ness in their great eyes that had fire enough in em without its 
 help, and pawed on the ground with their fore-feet the mettle 
 some varmints ! like a couple of harnsome women, chuck full 
 of music and crazy to dance it off. 
 
 When the chaps saw me a coming down the Astor House 
 steps, one of em jumped down and opened the door and let out 
 a hull grist of steps down to the ground, all kivered over with 
 the brightest kind of carpet, till it looked as if somebody had 
 been a flinging hull baskets full of posies all over em for me to 
 stomp down with my shiney boots, if I wanted tu. 
 
 Jest as I was a thinking whether it was best for Lord Morpeth 
 to come before I got in myself for I didn t want to du nothing 
 that wasn t according to gunter, if he was a lord a feller come 
 down the Astor House steps dressed off to the nines, with a harn- 
 sorne cloak slung across his shoulder, and one side of his hat 
 tipped up jest enough to show a hull swad of curly hair a frizzling 
 round his ears. 
 
 He had a leetle dab of hair a curling jest under his nose, and 
 another leetle peaked consarn up in a pint from his chin. 
 
 When this chap come down the steps, the other varmint that 
 stood behind the carriage in his white topped stornpers give a 
 dive to the arth, and stood a one side the door which t other one 
 held open. Think sez I, this is Lord Morpeth as sure as a gun ; 
 so I haul d back my foot from the fust step, for I was jest a going 
 
BY JOY \rn\v M~K. 227 
 
 k) get in, and I steppi-d b.-i !< MS ;!; ;-ii;i;> (".me up, and arter 
 making him a halt bow- -lor 1 never give- o!r the extra touches 
 in a bo\v only to the Imrnsome gals .sez I, 
 
 14 Walk in, Lord Morpeth, and I ll fuller arter." 
 
 The feller looked at me sort of supercillious, and I could see 
 the dab of hair on his lip curl the leastest mite scornful as if he 
 smelt something that didn t agree with him. He didn t make a 
 bow, but stepped back as if he didn t jest know what to du. 
 
 I give my mitten a short nourish towards my hat, and arter 
 stepping back agin, sez I 
 
 "Arter you is manners for me. Make yourself to hum, Lord 
 Morpeth/ 
 
 The chap looked at me agin, and then he went close to the 
 feller that held the door, and said that Lord Morpeth couldn t go 
 jest yit, but that we d better go on and he d come by-am-by ; 
 and with that he went up the steps agin without as much as 
 saying, git out, to me. 
 
 Gawrie, but wasn t I wrothy to see that crowd of York dandies 
 see me slighted so by a lord. There they stood a puckering up 
 their faces lik-e monkeys in u show, and there I stood feeling as 
 mean as the meanest among em ; but arter a minit my dander 
 ris right up. 
 
 u Darn the critter," sez I, " a raost out loud, and a pulling my 
 mitten up so wrothy that a whole swad of frieze gin away in my 
 hand. Does the stuck up varmint feel above riding with an 
 honest Yankee, because he haint got no title ? I ll be licked if 
 a lord ever gets a speck of good manner- from me agin, consarn 
 the hull biling on em." 
 
 With that I gin an alltired jump, and settled down in the car 
 riage, as savage as a young arthquake, and sot down on one of 
 the harnsome cushions kivered over with silks and figgered off 
 with blue and white roses, that kivered the rwo seats and sort 
 of sprangled up over the sides and ruff of the carriage. A nar 
 row finefied border squirmed all around the cushions, around the 
 doors, and into all the corners, and the hull consarn made a chap 
 feel as if he was shut up in a band-box, lined with silk and with 
 a chunk of the sky, white clouds and all, shut over him for a lid. 
 I was so allfired wrothy, that, without thinking on it, I histed 
 
228 HIGH LIFE IN NEW TURK. 
 
 my boots agin one of the cushions, jest as it s natural tu, when a 
 feller s so mad he can t help it, and left a purty considerable 
 smooch of blacking amongst the blue and white posies, that sot 
 them off ruther more than cousin Jase would like, I calculate. 
 
 Them carriages do cut dirt so soft and easy like a streak of 
 greased lightning, that there is no knowing how fast a feller gets 
 along. It didn t seem more than a half a jiffy when we drew up 
 co-wallop right afore Jase s house. Down got the two varmints 
 in white topped stumpers, open went the door, and out I jumped. 
 
 I didn t have to ring at the silver knob, but the door swung 
 open of itself, or seemed tu, and in I poked, as independent as a 
 clam in high water, but not afore I d ketched a squint at that 
 shaller little Jemima, a peaking out from behind the winder cur 
 tains to see who was coming with me. 
 
 A chap took my hat and things in the entry way, and asked 
 me what my name was, sort of low, as if it was something I 
 ought to be ashamed of; and the minnit I told him, he went to 
 the door of the keeping-room and bawled out, 
 
 " Mr. Jonathan Slick." 
 
 I went in and there sot our Jase, in a gr<iat armed chair, as 
 red and pussy as a turkey-gobbler, jest afore Christmas. He got 
 up and come for ard, but looked nation wamblecropped when hd 
 see that there wasn t nobody with me. That wife of his n cum 
 up with her fat hands stuck out, and asked how I was, and why 
 Lord Morpeth didn t cum, and Jemima, she stood a giggling 
 worse than ever, and a tossing them yaller curls of her n about 
 on her shoulders and cousined me off to kill. 
 
 I told Jase how Lord Morpeth had sarved me, but he didn t 
 seem to mind that, arter he found out that he was a coming by-am- 
 by, so we sot down. I took a sort of a survey of the premises. 
 Now if there is anything that makes me mad, it s to see a chap 
 a selling off his harnsome things when they git a little siled or 
 out of fashion. I couldn t no more sell a cheer or a table that 
 any of my friends had eat off from, or sot on, tha i I would 
 strike my granny. Jest think how you d feel to see grand par 
 Sack s arm d chair sold at Vandue, or the chest o drawers that 
 marrn kept her " leetle things " in when I was a baby bought in 
 by the neighbors. It makes me feel wamblecropped only jest te 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 229 
 
 think of it, and yet there wasn t a single tiling in the two great 
 rooms that I went into at Cousin Jase s, that had a place where 
 it was the last time I was there. Everything looked spick-span 
 ne\v, and I haint no doubt that the hull house had been 
 transmogrified and titivated up jest cause a Lord was coming 
 to eat dinner there. The carpets were a most all red, with a 
 vine of pink and yaller a running crinkle-crankle all over em as 
 it somebody had been a scattering a hat full of butter-cups and 
 meadow pinks all over it, the whole consarn giving under your 
 feet like a Hat meadow lot thick with a fall arter growth. 
 
 Great smashing looking-glasses were set into the wall from 
 top to bottom between the winders, and a hull dry-goods store 
 of red silk curtains sot off with yaller bordering, fell in great 
 heavy winrows from over a couple of long spikes, feathered off 
 at the eend, and a glistening with gold, kivered both ends of the 
 room all but the looking-glasses and winders. A whopping 
 great picter of Jase a setting in his easy chair, and reading a 
 book, kivered with velvet and gold, was hung over one mantle- 
 tree shelf, and over t other sot his wife, all feathers and flowers, 
 and silks and satins, with her red pussy face a shining among 
 the whole, and all pen d up in a gold frame, as wide as a slab, 
 and a glist ning like all natur. 
 
 Cousin Jase had gone into the fine arts to kill, arter he got 
 hopes of a Lord. There was Jemima s shaller head cut out 
 in marble, a kind of half swarry, with stun curls a hanging like 
 icicles down her back, and a stun post to stand on, a rolling up 
 its eyes to a corner of the room ; and there were two funny sort 
 of women, with wings that looked as if they d been made of gold 
 at fust, and then touched off with a thin coat of blacking, that 
 made a sort of amalgamation critters, black and gold, stood each 
 side of the looking-glasses, a holding back the silk curtains that 
 would have fell ca-swash over the whole eend of the room if it 
 hadn t been for them; then out on the carpet was tables made out of 
 black shiny stuff, and the whole round tops kivered over with 
 picters that seemed as if they were polished down clear into the 
 black wood, and all around was benches and foot-stools of the 
 same black wood, > prigged off with g Id, and cushioned off with_ 
 red silk, besides the settees that had high backs arid high arms 
 
230 HIGH LIFE IN NEW i ORK. 
 
 at one eend, but curlecued down at tie back, tapered off to a 
 square bench OL. t other, and sot out like the stools with thick 
 red cushions. 
 
 Eight over the pictered tables was a sort of a golden tree, 
 chained to the ruff, and kivered over and over with chunks of 
 glass, that shone like tears in a gal s eye, when she gits the 
 grit up. 
 
 Besides all these, was tu great round silk cushions, as thick as 
 mother s cheese tub, a sitting right squat on the carpet, and 
 tassled off to kill, with a mess of other things that I hadn t a 
 chance to look at afore the door was pushed open by the help 
 that stood in the hall ; and there stood a tall man, with a blue 
 coat on, and gilt buttons, each on em pictered off like our ten 
 cent pieces, on y instead of the Eagle, there was a Lion, and 
 some kind of a one-horned animal, a pawing up hill arter a sort 
 of a cap with pints to it. 
 
 Afore I saw these pictered buttons, I kinder thought the chap 
 must be Lord Morpeth himself, for he come in sort of softly, and 
 yit independent, like a feller that felt himself to hum any where, 
 but yit didn t want to walk over other folks, as them big bug 
 foreigners al rs du ; but on a second peak I see that it wasn t 
 the chap that I had seen at the Astor House, and beside that he 
 was shaved clean, and hadn t a speck of hair, only on his head 
 and eye-brows, and that was a little mite gray ; so, think sez I 
 to myself, that other chap was the Lord, and this is his waiter, 
 cum to tell Jase that the big bug has gin up cumin. For no 
 Lord that can git dye stuff or buy a wig, would ever come 
 visiting with gray hairs in his head. You wouldn t ketch one 
 of our York tippies at that, let alone a ginuine Lord. 
 
 I never saw Jase so wrothy as he was when he ketched sight 
 of the feller, for he got a peak at the buttons the fust thing, and 
 sez he, 
 
 " By gracious ! if his lordship haint sent word to say he can t 
 come!" 
 
 With that he went to the door, and sez he to the man, sez 
 he,- 
 
 41 Wai, Sir, did you oring a note for me, or what?" 
 
 And then he strutted right in the door-wny, as pussy and porn* 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 231 
 
 pous as a prize pig jest afore killing time, and there stood the tall 
 chap, jest afore him, a looking right into his red face, with a pair 
 of eyes as black and keen as a wi-a/K- s, yit sort of easy and good 
 natnred, as if he couldn t think what the matter was. He took 
 off his hat sort of easy, and kinder bent his head a leetle, and sez 
 he,- 
 
 * Is it Mr. Slick?" 
 
 He spoke so soft and humblt that it seemed to mollify Jase; he 
 Btepped for ard and waved his hand about as big as cuffy, and sez 
 he, as condescending as could be, sez he, 
 
 "Put on your hat, my good fellow, I ve been a poor man myself. 
 "What word did his lordship send? don t be afeard to speak!" 
 
 The chap looked at Jase, and I could see his mouth pucker up 
 the leastest mite in the world, and his eyes begun to twinkle as 
 if he d choked back a smile from his lips that was detarmined to 
 break through somewhere. He bowed his head a little, and then 
 he handed over a piece of square pasteboard jest like that Miss 
 Elssler gave to me. 
 
 Didn t my pussy cousin look as if he d fell through a thin place 
 in the ice ! He wilted right down, and looked as sneaking as a 
 a turkey gobbler ketch d out in a rainy storm ; but when he see 
 that Lord Morpeth didn t seem to know that he d mistook him 
 for a waiter, he walked into the room a spreading his hands 
 aad a sending out a storm of excuses, and welcomes, and friend 
 ships, like a junk bottle of cider letting off steam. 
 
 Lord Morpeth, he walked along into the room jest as if he d 
 been to hum, and then Jase he spread himself agin, and made him 
 acquainted with his wife. 
 
 Lord Morpeth made a little slow bow, and Mrs. Jase Slick she 
 gin her turban a toss, spread out the skirts of her velvet frock that 
 \Tas jest the color of a wild cherry, and then, after sticking out 
 her fat foot, she began to fold up her jints, till she threatened to 
 settle down on the carpet all in a heap, before she d a let out all 
 her kinks agin. Jemima she come up and begun to flourish out 
 her foot, and show her curls, and her teeth, and twitter about, 
 while Lord Morpeth was a bowing to her. I swow, it made me 
 grit my teeth to see what tarnal coots the whole consarn were a 
 making of themselves! Then cum my turn. I stood a leaning 
 
232 HIGH LIFE IN KZW YOKK. 
 
 agin the mantle-slielf, detarniined to show this Lord that all the 
 Slicks on arth warn t darned etarnal chucklelicads if some of 
 them was. I d a seen him in Guinea and further yet, afore he d 
 a got one speck of a bow more than he give me. 
 
 Well, L;>rd Morpeth, he bowed his head rather sparing of his 
 neck, and I stood right straight up, and gin him as good as he sent, 
 and no more on it, by hokey ; yet there was something about this 
 critter that took my notion amazingly ; he didn t seem stuck up 
 a bit, nor yet as if he wanted to poke fun at us, but sot down on 
 one of the curlecued settees, and begun to talk about the weathei , 
 and things in general, jest like our folks. Miss Slick, she .sot 
 down by him, and party soon let him into the state of things 
 here in York. She went into a fit of the dreadful suz, to think 
 Lord Morpeth didn t ride up in the carriage it was a dreadful 
 thing to walk in the streets among the common people her 
 daughter Jemima had once brushed the skirt of her tunic agin a 
 mechanic, as she went down Broadway, and they felt it their 
 bounden duty to keep her from walking ever since, Jemima was 
 so delicate, so very literary, so here Jemima, who sot on a bench 
 close by the settee, turned up them eyes of her n and gin a sigh 
 that made the pucker come to Lord Morpeth s mouth agin, and 
 when Miss Slick got up and handed over some varses that she 
 said Jemima had writ the minit she heard that Lord Morpeth had 
 come to this country, the tickle burst into his eyes, and he went 
 to the winder with the paper in his hand, jest as if he wanted to 
 read it. over agin. Miss Slick she stretched up and looked at Jase, 
 and Jemima, and me, and nodded her head, as much as to say 
 
 "That s clenched the business. If Lord Morpeth don t take 
 a shine to my darter arter reading that, I want to know, that s 
 all!" 
 
 Jase he twirled his great gold watch key, and peaked at Lord 
 Morpeth from under his eye-brows, and Jemima, she struck her 
 head a one side and tried to look as if she couldn t help it, till 
 Lord Morpeth he come back agin from the winder, a looking as 
 meek as a gray cat with a dab of cream on her whiskers, jest as 
 if he hadn t been tickling himself to death behind the curtains 
 there ; and I, consarn me, if I didn t feel as mean as a frozen pota- 
 ter, to think my name was Slick. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 233 
 
 Miss Slick she spread herself out on the settee agin beside Lord 
 Morpeth, and give him another dose of soft sodder, till I raly felt 
 lorry lor the poor critter. She held up her two chunked han-ds, 
 and rolled up her eyes like all natur, when lie told her which sido 
 f Broadway he come up; but Lord Morpeth said the west sido 
 \ a? the most crowded, and so he took t other. 
 
 "On ) jest to think, Jemima," sez Miss Slick, "Lord Morpeth 
 come up on the oast side of Broad way, dear me!" 
 
 Jemima she lifted up her head, and looked a whole biling of 
 la:->es candy at Lord Morpeth, and said she shouldn t wonder if it 
 would be all the fashion to walk that side after that. 
 
 Lord Morpeth bowed agin, and looked as meek as new milk, 
 and kinder acted as if he d jest as lives talk about something 
 elsr, but my pussy cousin stuck to him like a dog to a briar. 
 
 Now my Lord," sez she, a laying her hand on to his n, 
 rings and all, " now, arter reading my darter s poetry, jest give 
 me your opinion ; we shouldn t think of ever letting her print 
 anything, on y we ve heard that it s getting to be the fashion for 
 English Lords and ladies to be sort of literary, and Jemima is 
 so full of poetry and writes so sweet and soft don t you think 
 so, my Lord ?" 
 
 "Very soft," says Lord Morpeth, as sober as a deacon, but yet 
 giving a sort of a sly b.juint at Jemima, where she sot a pucker 
 ing up her mouth and half shutting her eyes, and a shaking for - 
 ard her yaller curls, till they eenamost touched her lap, and a 
 trying to look like a love-sick robin ( n an apple-tree limb. 
 
 "Oh, you can t form no idee, you can t, indeed," sez Miss 
 Slick, " without you hear Jemima read them herself, but she s so 
 modest, so sensitive but mebby she ll be persuaded by your 
 lorcUhip." 
 
 Lord Morpeth give another squint at the stuck up little varmint, 
 and sed, " he was afeared to urge the young lady agin her feel 
 ings." 
 
 "Oh, but she ll do it to oblige you, I m sartin she will," sez 
 Miss Slick agin; "and here s our literary cousin, he will persuade 
 her, I am sure ; and with that she cum across the room and put 
 her hand on my mat -keve, and sez she, "Now do, cousin." 
 
 " Oh, you go to grass," sez I ; "If Jemima there is a mind to 
 
234 HIGH LIFK IN NEW YORK. 
 
 make a coot of herself, she can do it without my boosting her 
 along." Lord Morpeth kinder give a start, and looked at rne 
 like all natur, but yet he didn t look mad. 
 
 "Why, Cousin Slick!" sez my pussey she cousin, a dropping 
 her hand as if it had gripped a hot potatoe. 
 
 "Oh dear!" sez Jemima. 
 
 Jase he let his watch-key drop, and turned as red as a tomato 
 " What on arth do you mean by that, Mr. Jonathan Slick ?" se7 
 he. 
 
 " Wai, I reckon I mean just what I say," sez I, a dropping my 
 hands into my trousers pockets; and a crossing one boot over 
 t other, as I leaned sort of slantindicular, with my shoulder agin 
 the mantle-tree. " If there s anything on arth that makes a 
 man sick of all the feminine gender, it s the etarnal hankering 
 which some on em get to show off and trot themselves out afore 
 the men folks, jest to show that their stockings have been in a 
 dye-tub, and that what they are lacking in brains, is made up by 
 impudence. I wouldn t marry a gal that could get up afore a 
 stranger, before a huh 1 room full on em, and shake her curls 
 about, roll up her eyes like a pious hen, and squinch her face over 
 a lot of poetry, whether it s her s or anybody else s. I swow, I 
 wouldn t marry her if her heart was a solid lump of gold, and 
 every hair of her head strung with diamonds. That s my opinion, 
 and Cousin Jemima is welcome to it such as it is. 1 
 
 I wish you could a seen Jase and his wimmen folks when I 
 burst out with that speech. Didn t they turn red and white in 
 streaks ? I ruther guess so ! And Lord Morpeth ! I never seed 
 a feller s face brighten up as his did. Jase put his arm through 
 mine, and asked me to slip into the hall a minit. 
 
 "Look a here, cousin, this is ruther too bad," sez Jase, een- 
 amost crying ; " you ought to make apology to his lordship for 
 speaking so afore him what ll he think of American manners ?" 
 
 " What ll he think," sez I, " darn me if I care what bethinks; 
 if he s a ginuine nobleman one that s got good English common 
 sense he wont think the better of us for trying to make believe 
 we re a notch above what we raly be, and he ll like my human 
 iiatur better than your soft sodder by a jug full. If he expects 
 the hull nation of America to pucker and twist itself out of all 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 235 
 
 natural shape jest to gibe with his notions, lie ought to be disap 
 pointed and that s the long and the short of it ; and if he believes 
 that we want to see our wimmen folks to be spitting out poetry 
 and varses afore strangers, or that the ginnine wimmen of Ame 
 rica w.-mt to du sich things, he d better stay to huraaridread Mrs. 
 Trollope s books. Now, jest hold your gab, Jase," sez I, as he 
 was a going to speak again, " I m in the right on t if we want 
 to i:ive these English Lords a true idea of us, act out human 
 natur, and give me a warm, honest welcome, but less soft soap." 
 
 As I d spoke out, jest so, the bell rung, and a hull grist of big 
 bugs got out of some carriages at the door and come in. There 
 WM-; three or four harnsome wimmen and gals dressed off in silks 
 and satins, with the dresses all fringed off round the bottom and 
 a hugging tight up to them white necks as close as the skin to an 
 eel, and a showing off the wide shoulders and leetle tapering 
 waists about tho best of any dresses I ever sot eyes on. The 
 men folks had on span white gloves, and looked as if they d jest 
 come out of a band-box. While Jase was a blustering about from 
 one to t other, I jest cut stick for the other room, detarmined 
 not to have any more jaw with the critter if I could help it. 
 Miss Slick and Jemima, looked sour enough to turn new milk ; 
 but Lord Morpeth he cum right up to me and begun to talk as if 
 I d been his twin brother. He asked me about every thing on 
 arth, and more too ; all aboitt the way we raise onions and gar 
 den sarce, how much hay our Weathersfield meadows give to an 
 acre, and all about our district schools, meeting houses, and the 
 old blue laws of Connecticut. When I told him that a man was 
 fined five dollars for bussing his wife on the sabberday arter he d 
 been away to sea four years, Lord Morpeth he larfed right out as 
 nat ral as could be. Then I took turn about and asked him a few 
 pozers about Old England, and he answered right up like a man 
 that understood things, for all he was a Lord. I raly took a shine 
 to the critter, though I d made up my mind agin it, tooth and 
 nail, and while he was a talking I took a good squint at his head 
 and face. 
 
 He aint RO over harnsome, not quite so good looking as a 
 eartin chap I could tell you on if I wasn t so mealy-mouthed, but 
 then he s got an allfired big head, high up over the ears, and one 
 
236 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YOKX. 
 
 that looks chuck full of brains as an egg is full of meat. His 
 eyes aint great black starers like some folk s, but as bright as 
 diamonds, and as sharp as a hull paper of cambrick needles, and 
 they know how to look right straight through a feller without 
 flinching the first glance. 
 
 Purty soon, the gals and them chaps I d seen in the hall cum 
 a pouring in, and then there was no more talk with Lord Mor- 
 peth; he had to be led around like a race-horse by Miss Slick 
 and Jemima, and I cum in for my share of the fun, for arter he 
 and I got so thick together, they begun to think what I d said was 
 according to guuter, and sot it all down for eccentricity of genius 
 instead of ginuine common sense ; howsomever, I did not care so 
 long as all was ship-shape agin with em, for I hate to get a 
 woman a pouting with me, for if I m ever so right it makes me 
 feel kinder ugly. 
 
 THE DINNER SCENE. 
 
 WE hadn t but just got settled down when the great wide look 
 ing-glass that I ve told you of, seemed to slide back of the cur 
 tains to the lower eend of the room, and by gauly ! there was 
 another room further on, with a table sot in it all kivered over 
 with silver plates, and soup dishes, and Chiny ware, with one of 
 them trees of gold and glass all lighted up, and swung to the 
 wall, a glittering, and flashing, and pouring down the shine over 
 the heap of silver things, till it made a feller ketch his breath 
 on y jest to peak in. 
 
 Lord Morpeth he gin his arm to my pussy she cousin Jase gin 
 his to a harnsome gal that stood close to him, and I crooked 
 my elbow up to Jemima, for I kinder wanted to make up for 
 what I d sed about her reading poor critter! she aint to blame 
 if she is a little shaller. The rest on em followed on two and 
 two, and arter a little we all sot down round the table with six 
 great strapping fellers, with blue and white regimentals on, and 
 gloves on all their twelve hands, a standing up behind our chairs. 
 I can t give you no idea of what we had to eat, for they called 
 every thing by some darn d jaw-breaker of a name, and kept a 
 carrying things on and off and giving a feller clean plates all of 
 
nv JONATHAN SUCK. 237 
 
 solid silver, till it a most made me dizzy with seeing them a flash 
 ing about so in the critters hands. They had all sorts of mince 
 meat with hard names tucked to it, and fish kivered with gravy, 
 and hutter, and every thing else, and sich a darn d heap of things 
 that I can t hegin to tell you all. I tried to take a bite of every 
 thing, but it wasn t of no use I was purty well -filled up afore 
 the puddings, and pies, and custards cum on, and arter they were 
 carried off I thought we d all made a purty good Thanksgiving 
 dinner, considering it wasn t to hum, and I can t tell when IV* 
 felt so big and pussy; but jest as I was thinking we d got about 
 through, the fellers went to work and swept the hull table clean 
 as could be, and by-am-by on they cum agin with silver baskets 
 full of grapes, and oranges, and prunes, with a grist of fust rate 
 apples, and hull bunches of raisins that made a feller feel wrothy 
 because he d eat enough, they looked so tempting a hanging over 
 the sides of them silver baskets, and a looking so meller in the 
 light that cum a shining down from the consarn overhead. 
 
 When the wimmen folks had jest eat a few grapes, and mebby 
 a chunk of orange or so, Miss Slick she got up and off they went 
 into t other room, but yet a looking back sort of longing, jest as 
 Eve did when the angels made her quit the garden of Eden, 
 poor critter ! 
 
 The minit the wimmen folks had made themselves scarce tho 
 servants begun to cut about like all possessed, and a hull regi 
 ment of decanters and cider bottles with sheet-lead caps to em. 
 inarched onto the table, and arter them cum another regiment of 
 glasses, some of em round and bulky with short stems and 
 kinder dark green, some white as ice, and then agin some that 
 was short and slender, cut on in squares, and red as a gal s lip, 
 besides the long necked cider glasses that stood poking up among 
 the rest, like a Down East gineral, and his officers ready to lead 
 on the red and green militia agin the hull squad of bottles and 
 decanters, till one side gin up beat. The help gin the first shot, for 
 each on em took a bottle, and pop, pop, pop, went the corks 
 then the red, and green, and white glasses marched up, and cum 
 off chuck full and a brimming over with plunder. As for me, I 
 sent up a long necked feller and took a swig at the cider, and Lord 
 Morpeth he went dead into the green glasses, but they put me 
 
238 HIGH LTFE TN NEW 10RK. 
 
 in inind of an old maid s goggles, and I couldn t take a notion to 
 em till arter I d drunk two hull glasses of the cider, and then I 
 didn t seem to care what I drank out on. By-am-by some o>ne 
 called out and wanted a toast. I never heard of topping off a 
 Thanksgiving dinner with toast afore, but it made me think of 
 hum, and so I thought I d have one tu. 
 
 "Look a here," sez I to the chap that stood back of my chair, 
 " you may make me a toast tu, but none of your dry stuff now, 
 but make it as marm used to, yon remember Jase," sez I, " half 
 a pint of hot milk with a chunk of butter about as big as a piece 
 of chalk melted in, and then the hull soaked up with slices of 
 toasted bread hum made is best one slice laid on top of t other. 
 Now you git out, and make some right off," sez I to the chap, 
 sez I. 
 
 " Look a here, Jonce, what are you about ?" sez Jase, a poking 
 his elbow sort of sly into my ribs. " It aint that we mean, we re 
 a going to drink a toast." 
 
 " Wai," sez I, "I haint no arthly objection, but if the feller 
 makes it according to rule it ll be ruther tough to swaller without 
 some chawing." 
 
 " I tell you," sez Jase agin, " we are a going to drink a toast 
 to Lord Morpeth in wine." 
 
 " Wai," sez I agin, " I haint no objection, if Lord Morpeth likes 
 toast and wine, it s his idee of what s good, and I can t help it ; but 
 as for me, hand over a bowl of ginuine toast and cider with the 
 bread crumbled in, Weathersfield fashion, ruther hot, and sweet 
 ened well with lasses, that s my notion. Lord a massey, how 
 marm does mix them critters up, it s enough to make a feller a 
 nose tingle to think on it, aint it, cousin Jase." 
 
 It warn t of no use a speaking to him, there he stood a strut 
 ting over back with a glass in his hand and a singing out, t; Our 
 noble guest, Lord Morpeth," like all possessed. Every critter at 
 the table, excepting Lord Morpeth and I, jumped np with glasses 
 in our hands, and begun to drink like a patch of seed onions after 
 a six weeks dry spell ; but Lord Morpeth and I sot still and 
 looked as if we didn t know what possessed the critters ; but the 
 minit they sot down up he jumped like a house a fire, and the 
 way he cracked jokes and said smart things, made the fire fly 
 
BV JONATHAN SLICK. 239 
 
 from every body s eyes round the table. I swanny, if be didn t 
 take me a most oil the handle with his consarned sweet voice and 
 harnsome manners. It raly was eenamost as good as a play, to 
 hear him reel out the common sense and soil sodder about this 
 land of liberty and old England. When he sot down, it was as 
 much as I could du to keep from going right up and giving him 
 a hug, if he was a lord. Arter this we mixed in the talk alto- 
 get her, like lemon, and sugar, and brandy in a punch bowl, as 
 sociable as so many chickens in a coop, till by-am-by, Jase he 
 begun to swell up and talk to Lord Morpeth about the Slicks, and 
 the crouchants, and lions, that belonged to the family coat of 
 arms as he called it; he gin us all to understand that the Slick s 
 warn t a family to be sneezed at by any of the English Lords, and 
 gin out some purty broad hints about a barron-uight, and a lord, 
 that gin a start to the name ever so long back in England ; then 
 the consarned shote branched out into a sarmon about ancient 
 birth, and pure blood, a running from one generation to another, 
 without being siled by anything low since the Slick s cum to this 
 country, jest arter the Pilgrims, and a hull lot of the darndest 
 stuff that ever a transmogrified hand-cartman thought on. I d 
 topped off my cider with two or three glasses of hock, the feller 
 called it, and it made me feel dreadful smart, and I felt jest like 
 tackling Ja.se in his own camp. 
 
 u Look a here, cousin Jase," sez I, " what on arth do you want 
 to make out that we Slick s are anything but jest what we be, 
 for aint it a darned sight more to our credit, Yankees as we are, 
 and Republicans as we ought to be, to own it at once, that we 
 had to hoe our own row up, and found it a purty tough one?" 
 Now you know well enough, for all your crouchongs, and lions, 
 and roosters, that you ve picked up, Jord-a-raassey knows where 
 -that you begun life, or any how begun to save up chink, fust. 
 by a horse cart on Peck Slip, and that wife of your n went out a 
 nussing other folk s children till arter you married her, and that 
 aint no disgrace to her nor you neither, so long as you don t try 
 to make out that you re something more than you raly be. It id 
 too bad you re trying to make out that you re a English big bug, 
 when you can prove yourself as good a nobleman as ever lived, 
 by going back to our grand-par, the brave old shoemaker, that 
 
240 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 swung his lap-stone over Ids shoulder when the Eevolution broke 
 out, and jined the patriots when their struggle was dark as the 
 grave. The old man never gave way once, but fought like a lion 
 when fighting was to be done. He clung to his companions in 
 good and bad luck, and though he fought, and marched, and suf 
 fered with the toughest of em, never once gin out or got dis 
 couraged, but arter a long day s march would unsling his lap-stone, 
 take out his rusty tools, and hammer and stitch away half the 
 night long, to make up shoes for his tired and sore footed ft Her 
 soldiers, whenever he could find a scrap of sole leather or a piece 
 of cow skin to make up!" 
 
 I was a going on, but Lord Morpeth he got up, and sez he, 
 " Let us drink to the memory of Mr. Slick s ancestor, the brave 
 Shoemaker. " 
 
 Jase looked sort of ugly about what I d said but I couldn t 
 help that, and when Lord Morpeth jined in, the hull biling on us 
 got up, and another squad of wine glasses was put into action. 
 "When the rest had sot down, I felt as if I couldn t break off so, 
 but I thought it wouldn t do no harm to give em a short speci 
 men of Weathersfied chin music, seeing as there was a lord to 
 hear me. 
 
 "Now," sez I, "it s of no use denying that we Yankees do 
 think a good deal of noble birth and pure blood, and all of them 
 ere things that the English have boosted up their throne with so 
 many hundred years ; for my part, I du feel a kind of love and 
 reverence for a family of any kind, whose blood has run pure 
 from one generation to another, through brave men and good 
 women, till it beats full of warm ginerous human natur in th 
 heart of a true nobleman, whether he has a title or not. It gives 
 a man something to be proud of, something to guard and keep 
 himself good and honorable for. A man must be mean as pus- 
 ley, and meaner yet, who could do a small action while he knew 
 that his blood had been kept, pure as spring w r ater, by a hull line 
 of good men, all a sleeping in their graves." 
 
 " But, arter all," sez I, " what is the nobility of Old England 
 more than that which we Yankees have a right to ?" 
 
 " Was William the Conqueror, that they brag so much about, 
 any thing to be conipnred to our Washington ? Was his con- 
 
BY JONATHAN Sl.f K. 241 
 
 quest of Old England, halt so great, or so tough a job as the 
 tussle we had to get New England into our own native land? Now, 
 the whole truth is, blood is like wine, the older it is, the 
 stronger and clearer it grows. If it warn t tor that, we Yankees, 
 that had forefathers in the Revolutionary war, have as good a 
 right to brag about our pure blood, as the greatest and oldest 
 line of proud England." Here I stopped jest long enough to 
 make a bow to Lord Morpeth, and on I went agin. " I say," 
 sez I, a stretching out my arm, " there aint a true born 
 Auk-rii-an on arth, if he owns the truth, that haint English grit 
 and pride enough about him to feel a kind of respect for an 
 English nobleman, if he behaves himself like folks : but if he 
 don t," sez I, " we ve got a right to dispise him more than we do 
 one another when we act mean; for he not only disgraces 
 hisself, but all the forefathers that he ought to be proud on, and 
 a man that can do that must be mean as git out and meaner tu, 
 a darned sight. Now," sez I, a looking at Lord Morpeth, " we 
 Yankees and the English are purty much alike, for all. If 
 they ve got their lords, and dukes, and princes, haiiit we no 
 military captins, and generals, and deacons, and squires, rather 
 small potatoes compared to the English, but yet it shows a sort 
 of native notion we ve got arter sich tilings, and don t du no sort 
 of harm one way nor t other. Now," sez I, "in a few hundred 
 years from this, wo Americans, shall have a sort of republican 
 nobility of our own. I lint sartin about the titles, but by-ara- 
 by, when the * tea party, and the battle of Bunker Hill lies clear 
 back in our history, as William the Conqueror s does among the 
 British, Cousin Jase there, wouldn t have to make up a story 
 about his British ancestors; for the pure blood of this ere 
 country will be that which goes right back to the Revolutionary 
 war. All Yankee noblemen will have to sarch for their titles on 
 the pension list of this ere very generation; and the old man 
 that now draws his twenty dollars a month, will be the founder 
 of aline, jest as noble as any that ever sprung up in the heart of 
 old England! That s my ginuine opinion. Now," sez I, "if 
 we Slicks wanted to Liake out that we are any great shakes, it 
 aint no very hard job to du it. It aint by no means sartin that 
 we, any on us, ever had any forefathers afore the old Shoemaker, 
 16 
 
242 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 that we ve jest been a telling on; bat he was a hu l team and 
 horse to boot. When the ammunition gin out at Bunker Hill, he 
 flung away his gun, and went to storming a hull regiment, tooth 
 and nail, on his own hook, till in the eend he was shot down 
 dead with a piece of the old lap stun in his hand, that he 
 gripped like an Injun arter his teeth was sot, and his fingers 
 stiff and stun cold. Old England, I must own, has got a grist 
 of noble families and great men, that are an honor and etarnal 
 glory to it, but the blood that biled up in that old man s heart, 
 was as red, as brave, yes, and as noble tu, as ever poured itself 
 out on the sile of old England, in the time of William, or any 
 other Conqueror ; and if I ever set up for a big bug, and put 
 picters on my carriage door, I kinder think that I shan t be 
 much ashamed to have Jonathan Slick s coat of arms, a hand 
 gripped hard on a lap-stun; for consarn me, if we, any on us, 
 ever get to be much, it will be through the old Shoemaker, and 
 I aint ashamed to own it." 
 
 With that I took another swig at the hock, and was a going 
 on agin, but all tu once my head began to whirl round like a 
 top. The table began to spread itself into half a dozen, and it 
 seemed as if the glass consarn over head had got a hull family 
 of leetle ones around it, dancing jigs aud pouring out the shine 
 all over the room and then the wine bottles, and the decanters, 
 and the grapes, and apples, and raisins, seemed to get onsteady, 
 and more on em kept a starting up. Then the waiters in regi 
 mentals grew taller and taller, and I m consarned if Lord 
 Morpeth hadn t half a dozen chaps a looking like so many twin 
 brothers a dodging up and down all around him, awful onsteady 
 though, for Lords. Then, arter all, the floor begun to rise and 
 pitch up and down till I was obliged to give up, and so I sot 
 down, and held onto my chair with both hands, and called out 
 4 Whoa like a house afire, for it seemed as if everything was a 
 getting upsot ; and between you and I and the post, Par, tny 
 ginuine opinion is, that all the chaps in the room had got about 
 half seas over, except me. I was as steddy as a judge, and sot 
 up parpendicular and independent, jest as a true born Republican 
 ought tu, determined to set that English Lord and the rest on 
 em a good example. It wasn t no wonder, though, that they 
 
IIV JON A: HAN BUCK, 243 
 
 got a leetlc how come-you-so, for they all drank wine, but I 
 only took that sparkling white cider and hock, for I was detar- 
 mined not to make a shoto of myself. Yet it made mo feel so 
 bad to see how they went on, ihat I got a most sick thinking 
 about it. 
 
 Arter a while we all went back into the keeping-room, and 
 there the wiinrnen folks sot on them red benches, all in pimlico 
 order, drinking coffee out of some leetle fiuefied cups, but I m 
 afeared they didn t set up so straight as young ladies ought tu 
 in company their heads did seem to set rather unsartin on 
 their shoulders every time I looked at em. 
 
 I drunk off a cup of coffee jest to oblige Jase, and then I 
 begun to be kinder sociable with a young gal that sot by Jemi 
 ma, while Jase took Lord Morpeth round to look at his marble 
 head, and the two whopping picters of himself and wife. 
 
 Arter lie had gone the rounds as we Editors say of a prime 
 article Lord Morpeth made his bow and went out, I begun to 
 feel kinder as if I d like to take a snooze, and so 1 jest gin one 
 smashing bow at the door for all, and arter getting my hat, 1 
 follered Lord Morpeth out. It was tarnol cold, and I begun to 
 chirk up a leetle, when I see that Jase s carriage stood there. 
 Lord Morpeth stepped bark when he see me close to him, and 
 moved his hand as much as to say Git in; but I stepped back, 
 and sez I, " I guess I ve been taught better manners than to 
 help myself fust," so with that he got in, and I arter. 
 
 We had a good deal of talk in the carriage ; and when we 
 both got out, Lord Morpeth shook hands with me as if I d beep 
 his twin brother, and asked me to come and see him to his room, 
 for he wanted to talk with me about picters and the fine arts, 
 and things in general. 
 
 I gin his hand an allfired grip, and sez I, "Lord Morpeth, you 
 can depend on this chap, for he ll tell you the truth and no soft 
 sodder. I didn t t;ike much of a notion to you at fust, for I aint 
 a chap to run arter you because you re a lord, but I lil: j you in 
 tpite of that, for you re a darned good hearted, smart critUr, 
 and lord or no lord, that s enough." 
 
 With that I shook hands agin, and went up stairs to bed. 
 
244 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Fanny Elssler didn t keep me awake that night I reckon. That 
 hock is tarnal sleepy stuff , Par. 
 
 Your lovine- son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XXV. 
 
 Jonathan rides to Mill The Millerite Excitement His Marm waits 
 .for the World to come to an End Letter from New York The 
 " old White Horse. 
 
 To the Editors of the New York Express, a darned great News 
 paper down, in York. 
 
 DEAR GENTLEMEN SIES: 
 
 I s pose your letter came down from York like a streak of 
 chalk, but I ve got kinder out of the .literary world since I cum 
 back hum here, and I didn t hear a word about it till the 22d of 
 April, jest as all Weathersfield had got their robes made and 
 their caps sot for t other world. 
 
 I d been out to work all day in the onion patch, and toward 
 night I thought it wouldn t do no harm to take a ride and git 
 the kinks out of my back. So I jest went to the barn, and arter 
 saddling the old horse, and measuring out some rye from the bin 
 I went into the house for some bags, and concluded I d go to 
 mill, and take the way back by old White s, jest to see how 
 Judy got along arter the last singing school. 
 
 Wai, I took a short cut through the orchard, and it made me 
 feel kinder chirk to hear the robins a singing in the apple trees, 
 and to see the young buds busting out all over my head, and the 
 grass a sprouting under my fret, all on it a looking fresh as a 
 gal s lip, and greener than a hull meetin-house full of Millerites. 
 The peach trees in the back yard had jest begun to blow out ; 
 they warn t in full blow yet, but seemed to be kinder blushing 
 ell over at their own back arduess; and that are old pear tree by 
 the well, looked as if natur had shook a flour bag ail over 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 2-15 
 
 it, and yit, the old critter wasn t in full blow more than the rest 
 on em. I wasn t dry, but the air smelt so tarnal sweet, and the 
 water in the bucket, that was a lectio leaky, kept a falling drop, 
 drop, drop, down the well, so kinder tempting, that I couldn t 
 help ketching hold of the well-pole as I went by, and after 
 tilting the bucket on the curb, I tipt it down and took a drink 
 that raly did me good. 
 
 Wai, I went through the yard, and opened the back kitchen 
 door to ask inarm for the bags, and there she sot, close by the 
 table, with her linsey woolsey apron on yit, jest as she d washed 
 the morning dishes. Her old gray hair was sort a rumpled up 
 under her cap, and her steel spectacles had slid half way down 
 her nose, slie was bending so arnest over the big Bible, and 
 reading the Prophecies of Daniel. Poor old inarm, she looked 
 dreadfully wamblecropped, as if she d jest made the discovery 
 of a new mare s egg in the Bible, and was waiting to see what 
 sort of a critter it would hatch out. 
 
 "Marm," sez I, a if you ll give me the bags I ll go to the mill, 
 the last grist must be purty nearly out by this time." 
 
 Marm sot still, looking at the Bible, and didn t seem to know 
 as I was talking. She shook her head kinder awful, till the 
 specs rattled on her nose, and then she groaned out something 
 consarning fire and brimstone and the eend of all things ; and 
 she wiped her eyes with her apron, as if she felt dreadfully and 
 couldn t help it. 
 
 44 Marm," sez I, 44 what on arth ails you ? you ll make me boo- 
 hoo right out, if you look so melancholy and take on so." 
 
 Marm give a jump, and looked up sort a skeery, and sez she, 
 44 Oh, dreadful suz 1 Jonathan, is it only you ?" 
 
 44 Wai, I reckon so," sez I; "where s the bags?" 
 
 44 Oh, Jonathan !" sez she, "are you ready for the eend ?" 
 
 44 Yes," sez I, 44 I guess I be; I ruther calculate these two 
 strings are tough enough to tie up the eend of any bag on these 
 ere premises." 
 
 Marm shook her head agin, and her face was as solemncholy 
 as a gal that s got the mitten, and sez she, u Jonathan," sez she, 
 44 have you ever calculated on the beast with the horns?" 
 
 * 4 Wai," sez I, a putting my hands in my pockets, u I can t say 
 
246 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 that I ever calculated much on them critters ; if you and par 
 want me to take em, I don t object to the old oxen, but I d a 
 leerle ruther have the black steers, if you d jest as lives." 
 
 Mann shook her head worse than ever. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, "the old oxen will do, so chirk up and tell me 
 where the bags are." 
 
 With that I went up the back stairs and found the things 
 myself, and was a going out whet, she called arter me, and, sez 
 she, "Jonathan, Jonathan, don t go on so oh dear me, poor un- 
 regenerate critter, what do we want of another grist ; have you 
 forgot Miller and his promise ?" 
 
 u Goodness gracious, no," sez I, a swinging my bags over the 
 old horse, " how could I forget him he s as clever a critter as 
 ever lived, and he promised to give this grist a tarnation bolting: 
 I told him how mad you was about t other." 
 
 With that I got out the horse, hitched up the bags to make em 
 lie even under me, give the bridle a shake and jogged on, 
 wondering what on arth had sot marm up so. Jest as I was a 
 turning down the lane toward Squire White s, I looked back and 
 there she was a standing by the winder, with both hands up, and 
 her cap knocked a one side like a crazy critter. Jest then par 
 come across the corn lot, where he and old uncle White had been 
 a ploughing, and I told him what a tantrum marm was in about 
 the oxen and the grist. 
 
 Par shook his head, and sez he, "Consarn that Miller! she s 
 been a brooding over the varmint s nonsense this ever so long, 
 till she couln t sleep a nights, and now as it s jest coming on to 
 the 23d of April, I s pose she s broke out in a new spot." 
 
 "Darn the old scamp to darnation!" sez I, "it s jest got 
 through my head what ails marm; the sneaking old varmint, he 
 ought to be sung to death by screech owls, and knocked into the 
 middle of next week by crippled grasshoppers !" With that I 
 rode along, and par went hum, a looking jest as if he was ready 
 to bust out a crying or a swearing, he didn t care which. 
 
 Wai, I was purty much womblecropped a-11 the way to the 
 mill, for somehow it made me feel sort of all-overish to think how 
 near the tiir.e had come. I wasn t raly a skeered, but every 
 thing looked pokerish all around. The inifl was shet up, so I 
 
BY JON. VI HAS SLICK. 247 
 
 to*/1 np my grist at the door, and got on to the old horse agin, 
 c<tarmined to ride into town and see if I could find any thing to 
 chirk me up. Jest as I got agin the post office, a chap hollered 
 out that they d got a letter for mo from York, post paid and all. 
 I turned up and laid the bridle on tho old horse s neck, while I 
 broke open the letter and read it. By gauley ! didn t it make my 
 heart jump right up into my mouth! But yet I felt a leetle 
 i^r.easy about it. I wanted to come like all natur, but par hain t 
 been willing to hear a word about York never since I took sich a 
 shine to Miss Elssler, at the Astor House, and I was afeard that 
 Le d say no to it. Then there was marm and Judy White both 
 on em sot agin York, and hating Miss Elssler like rank pison; 
 howsomever, I m purty good grit when I sot out in arnest, and 
 I rode along thinking the matter over till I got to old Mr. 
 White s. Judy come out with her calico sun bonnet on, looking 
 good enough to eat. 
 
 " Come, Judy," sez I, "jump on behind, and go hum with me; 
 marm has got a fit of the dreadful suz, about that tarnal old Mil 
 ler s bisness, and I want you to chirk her up a leetle, if you 
 can." 
 
 Judy run up to the fence, so I made the old horse side up 
 while she took off her check apron and spread it on behind. 
 "Come up," sez I agin to the old critter; he got so close to the 
 fence that he a most smashed my leg agin the boards, and then 
 ehied agin ; but Judy White is clear grit and no mistake she 
 give a jump and cum down square right on the crooper with one 
 arm round me. The horse shied agin ; Judy kinder slipped a 
 leetle, and she hung on to me closer yit, and larfed till you 
 couldn t tell which made the sweetest noise, she or the robins in 
 old White s orchard. When I turned to ketch her, them pesky 
 red lips of her n were poked right agin my face; the harusomo 
 varmint hung on to me with both arms like all natur, and every 
 time she larfed out, that tempting breath of her n come right 
 over my mouth. Consarn the critter, I eenamost gin her a buss 
 afore I knew it, and when the tee-hee bust out through them 
 lips agin, I had to stop her mouth for fear she d scare the 
 borso. 
 
248 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 "Now you git out, Jonathan !" sez she, a righting herself agin 
 in no time ; " aint you ashamed ?" 
 
 That stubborn old varmint begun another double shuffle, right 
 there in the street, and it was all I could du to hold him in, so I 
 hadn t no time to mollify Judy with another buss. The critter 
 wouldn t speak a word all the way hum, but there she sot, with 
 one arm round me kinder loose, as if she d a kept herself on some 
 other way if she could, and a holding on her sun bonnet with 
 t other hand, till one couldn t git the leastest peep at her face. 
 It was purty near dark when w r e got hum. The cows stood by 
 the gate a lowing to be milked. The old hens, setting ones and 
 all, come round us hilter-skilter, as if they were eenamost starved 
 to death, and when we got into the kitchen, there stood the table 
 jest as it was left arter breakfast, covered with dirty dishes; the 
 strainer lay in a leetle wad in one of the sarsers, and the cat was 
 a licking off the cream from a pan of milk that stood on a chair 
 by the cheese-room door. Marm had gone off and shut herself 
 up in the out room, with the Bible and a hull heap of the "Mid 
 night Cry" newspapers. 
 
 I swanny, it eenamost made me boo-hoo right out to see how 
 the things lay about the house. There never was a neater critter 
 on arth than marm ; but the hull premises raly looked more like 
 a hog pen than any thing else. Judy and I went to work like 
 good fellers she forgot to be mad and tackled to, washing dishes 
 and gitting supper, while I went out to milk. Marm wouldn t 
 come to supper, and par eenamost choked with every mouthful 
 he eat, and yit he looked more than half wrathy, as if he d about 
 as much trouble to keep his dander down as to hold up the tears 
 that every once in a while kept a dropping from under his eyes 
 down the side of his nose. 
 
 I guess you never sot eyes on so melancholy a set of critters 
 as sot round our kitchen till midnight, for marm wouldn t go to 
 bed, and we were afeard to leave her up alone in the out room 
 with that pictur of the horned beast a staring her right in the 
 eyes. When the old clock struck twelve, we heard the out door 
 room shut to, and by-am-by marm come where we sot in the 
 kitchen, dressed out in a great long consarn like an overgrown 
 
BY JONATHAN* SLICK. 249 
 
 night-gown, with white shoes on her old feet, and that gray hair 
 of her n a hanging down her back ; I swow, it made me ketch 
 my breath to see her ! 
 
 I haint got the heart to write all the shines inarm cut up that 
 night and all day the Sunday arter it seems like pokin tun 
 at one s own marm as she went from one room to t other, a 
 ringing her hands and a crying her eyes out, because we wouldn t 
 put on the robes she d made for us, and go right up to heaven 
 without making a fuss about it. I thought it wouldn t do no 
 harm to try and rile her up to thinking of something besides the 
 horned beast. 
 
 "Marm," sez I, all tu once, "I can t think of fixing up for 
 t other world yit, no how. I ve jest got a letter from York, and 
 if you re so detarmined on going to heaven, I ruther guess York s 
 the place for me." 
 
 .M;inn jumped right up from her knees, and sez she, "Jonathan 
 what du you mean?" 
 
 My heart riz ; it was the only sign of gumption she had made 
 for a hull day. Par looked up, and his chin kinder quivered, for 
 he thought I was poking fun at the old woman, and Judy White, 
 ehe sidled up to me, and sez she, all in a twitter, "Jonathan you 
 aint in arnest now?" 
 
 " It I was, would you give up and let me go ?" sez I. 
 
 Darn the harnsome critter, how mad she looked ! u No 1 
 won t nor touch tul" sez she, and afore I knew it, she bust right 
 out a crying and went out of the room. 
 
 I didn t fuller her, for marm had got down on her knees agin, 
 and was a looking through her specs at a tarnal big thunder cloud 
 tlat cum a rolling its blackness in knolls and furrows all over the 
 sky, as if the world had raly cum to an eend, and all the niggers 
 in creation was a going up fust. 
 
 Mann s face was as white as a taller candle, she was enough 
 to scare anybody out of a week s growth, a kneeling there in that 
 white gown, and her old hands a wrenching away at each other, 
 like a crazy critter. Thinks I, I ll try and rile her up agin, but 
 it wasn t of the leastest use, she wouldn t pit up from the winder, 
 but knelt there stock still with her head q ung back ards, and 
 the lightning a Waxing over her steel specs, an*, tiio grizzley hair 
 
250 HIGH IJFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 that hung away down her back. I swan to man, it made my 
 hair stand on eend to look at her. By-am-by the thunder come 
 a rolling and tumbling through the clouds, as if somebody was a 
 blasting rocks up above ; and the lightning come a streaming out 
 agin in great blazes of fire, till it seemed as if all natur was 
 turned wrong eend up, and all the brick kilns, coal mines, and 
 founderies on arth were a playing away in the clouds, and a 
 groaning and hissing through the rain that came down in pails- 
 full, and a scaring folks to death. 
 
 " There! look a there!" sez marm all tu once, a jumping up, 
 and a stretching her arm through the winder. " I m ready I m 
 a coming! Look a there, Deacon Zephaniah Slick look there, 
 my unregenerated son look!" 
 
 Sure as a gun, there was something all dressed out in white a 
 standing in the orchard, right agin the winder. Par and Judy 
 White for the critter ran back from the out room when she see 
 that I wasn t a going to foller her riz right up, and they wur 
 about the streakedest looking critters that ever you sot eyes on. 
 Jest then cum a loud noise snort, snort, snort from the orchard. 
 " Oh gracious me !" sez marm " the trumpet ! the trumpet I" 
 and down she slumped on her knees agin. 
 
 " By gracious," think sez I, " I ll see what the matter is, any 
 how ;" so I gin a dive to the winder, and I hollored out, " shew 
 stuboy git out !" but I kinder think I didn t yell over loud, 
 the words stuck like wax-eends in my throat, and afore I could 
 git em untangled, out cum the noise agin, louder, and twice as 
 sarcy as it was before. 
 
 Think sez I, " Gracious knows, I m afeard we re gone suckers, 
 but I ll try agin anyhow; so sez I, a clapping my hands, "git 
 away, you varmint, tramp scoot stuboy y y " 
 
 I guess I yelled it out like a training gun that time. The 
 white spirit seemed to feel it tu, for it flung its arms in the dark, 
 and gin us another blast of his consarned old trumpet. Jest then 
 the lightning came cutting down agin, and oh, git out ! it was 
 only the old white horse, a snorting and a kicking up his heels, 
 in the orchard. I sot down, and haw-hawed right out, till it 
 was all I could dr to catch my breath agin ; then I bust out 
 agin, till par a" u Judy jined choru?, and we made the old 
 
EV JONV:HA\ SLICK. 251 
 
 house i ing as if there had been a quilting frolic in it: just then 
 the clock struck twelve. 
 
 Hurra 1" I sung out, " inarm, the 23d of April has cum and 
 gone; come, inarm, git up, the storm is blowing over, and the 
 moon hairit turned to blood yit. Hurra 1" 
 
 I was jest a going to give poor old mann a buss, but par had 
 got her in his arms a kissing her white fsice, and a boo-hooing, 
 the old coot like a spring colt. So as the buss was all made up, 
 and too heavy for my mouth, I gin it to Judy. And she handed 
 over a cuff for pay, the tanterlizing little snapping turtle. 
 
 Judy was all sot to rights agin, afore the old horse had. got 
 over his double shuffle. 
 
 " Oh dear, only to think that I should a cut up snch a heap 
 of factory cloth, and all for nothing!" sez inarm arter a while. 
 
 We didn t say much to marrn that night, but when par and 
 she got up to go to bed, she took a slnntindicular look at her robe, 
 and then gin a sneaking squint at us. I couldn t hardly keep 
 from busting right out agin, but choked in. And par says, he 
 never seems to mind it "you can use it for a night-gown." 
 When the old folks had gone, Judy and I went into the out room, 
 and seeing as it was Sunday night, and nobody to interfere, we 
 sot down, and hitching our chairs close together, didn t get sleepy 
 till nigh about morning, but kept on talking, as chipper as two 
 birds. I didn t say anything to Judy about coming to York; she. 
 is a sneezer when her dander is once up, and I kinder think it 
 best to come off, and then write a letter to her arter it is all done. 
 She s allfired jealous of the York gals, and dreads them that 
 dance like Miss El-sler as a cat hates hot soap. 
 
 I guess I shall cum any how, but not jest yit. I must git in 
 all the onions fust, and help about the grain some ; arter that, 
 you ll see me at the office as large as life, and twice as nat ral. 
 Par wont hear a word on it yit, I m sartin, he got so allfired 
 uneasy about me and Miss Elssler, that he sent for me right hum, 
 when I was at the Express otlice ; he thinks politics and dancing 
 gals about the meanest things that a feller can hanker arter. But 
 I ll set Captin Doolittle to arguing the matter with him, and as 
 for marm, I guess she ll feel rather tu streaked to make much of 
 a fuss about any thing jest now. I meant to cum the soft sodder 
 
252 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YOU*. 
 
 over her a leetle any how ; so this morning I went out to my 
 onion bed back of the barn, where the sun comes all day from 
 morning till night, and I pulled up a harnful of young onions 
 that would make your mouth water; they had the tenderest 
 green tops you ever see, and when I held em up and shook the 
 dirt off, they looked more like a harnful of snow drops a blowing 
 out at the wrong eend, than anything else. I gin these to marm, 
 j* st as she was a setting down to breakfast. She was eenamost 
 tickled to death with them, and I reckon that is one long step 
 towards York. 
 
 Mebby I shall be in York afore you git another letter from 
 these parts and mebby not, there s no knowing when I can git 
 away. 
 
 Yours tu command, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XXYI. 
 
 Jonathan arrives in New York Travels on the Deacon s Mare Has 
 Trouble with the Colt Embarks from Peck Slip, on Capt. 
 Doolittle s Sloop, to meet the President His Introduction 
 Jonathan s Idea of the Cold Collation The Reception Landing 
 at Castle Garden Review of the Troops The Procession, &c. 
 
 DEAR PAE: 
 
 Here I am, safe and sound, but about the tiredest critter that 
 you ever sot eyes on. Afore I got to Bridgeport, I begun to be 
 kinder sorry that I didn t stand my chance and come on with 
 Captin Doolittle in the sloop, for the fust thing that I see arter I 
 got tu cousin Smith s in Bridgeport, was the old sloop a scooting 
 down the Sound like a fotr horse team, with all sails sot, and 
 loaded down to the water with garden sarce. It seemed tu me 
 that I could a most see Cnptin Doolittle hisself, a standing on 
 the deck and a poking fun at me for coining down on the old 
 mare. The poor colt tu was eenamost tuckered out, and I begun 
 tu feel sort o 7 wamblecropped for fear something would happen 
 tu one of the poor critters afore I got tu York ; but my keeping 
 didn t cost nothing, and I got cousin Smith to put a aood feed ID 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 253 
 
 one eend of my saddle-bag^ and gin the colt a warm drink of 
 milk afore wo started in the morning, so we all three on us 
 jog<_ r ed on towards Stamford, in purty good condition, considerin 
 Our cousin at Stamford warn t tu hum, so I had to put the old 
 mare and colt up to a tavern, and arter letting into a few of 
 marm s doughnuts, that lightened one eend of my saddle-bags 
 qnite a considerable, I turned in till morning. The barkeeper 
 made me pay three York shillings for the horse keeping. My 
 grit riz at it, for the old mare looked as lank as a shad ; but I 
 didn t want to git into a scrape, so I shelled out, and rode along 
 darning all the cousins to daruation. What are the varmints 
 good for, if they can t be tu hum when a feller travels their way ? 
 
 It was purty well into the morning when I got down to York; 
 the old mare was eenamost tired out, and I begun to think she 
 wouldn t cut much of a dash ; but jest as we were turning down 
 the Bowery, she got a sight of one of them cousarned great rail 
 road cars, and seemed to take it for a stable trying to run off; for 
 she gin a snort, stuck her tail right straight out and her ears right 
 up, and away she streaked it arter the cars, like a house a fire 
 and no engines to be had. The colt, it come a whinnering arter, 
 and if we didn t cut a figger, you never saw one in the multipli 
 cation table. My coat tail was a streaming out behind, and I held 
 on to my bell-crowned hat with one hand while I shook my bridle 
 with t other, and stuboyed the old critter along; for I didn t 
 want the people to think that I was afeard to go as fast as any 
 thing in creation took a notion to, if it was a steam engine loaded 
 with fire and brimstun, instead of a harnsome bay mare with a 
 n us-ing colt. 
 
 Jest as we got away down the Bowery, the cars stopped stock 
 still, and the mare cum up and saw that it was only a box full of 
 folks, she kicked up her heels till I was cH-namost spilt in the 
 street. The colt it come up and flurished its leetle spindle 
 shanks agin the car, jest as its mother had afore, and away we 
 went, cutting dirt down Chatham street like a streak of iled 
 lightning, till I drew the mare up with a snort and a kick that 
 tapered off into a double shuffle right agin the Express office. 
 
 I jumped off and streaked it into the office, and right up stairs, 
 three steps at a time. 
 
254 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 I walked right into the editor s room, with my hand out, and sez I, 
 
 "How do you du?" 
 
 Afore he could answer, a clock in the City Hall steeple struck. 
 The editor, he jumped up, and sez he, 
 
 " We re tu late, the hoat is off. There s your ticket, Mr. Slick, 
 but it s of no use now." 
 
 I took the paper that he gin me, it was an invite to meet the 
 President, and the hoat was off. 
 
 "Darn me, .f I don t ketch up with him!" sez I, and out I 
 went, right ahead down stairs, with out another word. 
 
 " Look a here," sez I to the boy that held the mare, " when 
 the President comes in, you je^t lead my horse down to the land 
 ing, and I ll give you a four-pcnce-ha peimy, clear silver." 
 
 "I ll du it," sez the little chap. 
 
 "You ll be a man before your marm," sez I, a turning the 
 corner, to go the shortest cut to Peck Slip. 
 
 Captin Doolittle, was jest a hauling in, but I gin the old bc41 
 crown a swing, and sez I, " Hold on, you consarned old coot, hold 
 on, and hist sail arter the President." 
 
 With that I jumped aboard a boat, and afore I reached the 
 sloop she had worked about and was ready for a chase. The 
 wind was coming right up the East River and the minit I 
 jumped aboard, Captin Doolittle, he and the black boy gin a 
 hurra, and the way we cut water was a caution to small craft. 
 We ploughed right ahead, full chisel, down the harbor, till by- 
 arn-by we saw two steamboats a coming towards us, brim full, 
 and a running over with people with banners a flying, and 
 colors a streaming toot horns a blowing, and fifes a letting off 
 Yankee Doodle drums a rattling out " Hail Columbia," and the 
 big paddles a playing the water up, till it seemed tu kinder 
 ketch fire in the hot sun, and drop into the waves to get cool agin. 
 
 " Captin," sez I, " hist another flag." 
 
 The captin, he put his chaw of terbacco into t other cheek, and 
 sez he, " I haint got none." 
 
 " I guess I have," sez the leetle nigger, a running dawn into 
 the cabin. 
 
 In a minit he cum back with one of the captin s red woollen 
 shirts fastened to the eend of a bean pole, and he stuck it up on 
 
BY JONATHAN* SUCK. 255 
 
 the stern of the sloop, jest as we cum bearing right down on the 
 two steamboats. 
 
 A tall chap with a sort of good natered face, but the darndest 
 fish-hawk nose that you ever sot eyes on, stood with a lot of 
 fellers on the deck of the boat that had the most music in it an 
 old codger, with a blue coat lined and faced all over with yaller, 
 and a cocked hat right on his head, with one eend curling up, 
 jest over his nose, like a hen-hawk ivady to pick his eyes out, 
 and with his two legs swallered up in a pair of black and yaller 
 boots, stood close by the man with the nose. 
 
 " Captin Doolittle," sez I, " get out the gun, there s the Presi 
 dent." 
 
 " What, that old chap with the yaller legs and breast," sez he, 
 "that looks like an overgrown grasshopper a skipping out of the 
 last century into this ?" 
 
 "Jest so," sez I, " that s the President of the United States, I 
 haint no doubt so three cheers, and then blaze away 1" 
 
 The nigger, he went down and brought up the old gun Captin 
 Doolittle, he loaded her down purty tight, pushed the charge 
 hum with his ramrod, shook down the powder in the pan, and 
 arter trying it tu his shoulder, sez he, 
 
 "Jonathan, go ahead." 
 
 " I took a squint at the leetle nigger tu see if all was ready, and 
 then I off with my old bell-crown," and sez I, " now" witl that 
 I gin it a flurrish " Hurra ! ! !" I yelled out like the bust of a 
 cannon "Hurra! !" sung out Captin Doolittle on the taper eend 
 of my yell "Hurra!" squeaked the leetle nigger. With that 
 the old gun banged away, and the tall man with the nose, he 
 bowed and flnrrished his hand at us, and with that I saw Alder 
 man Purdy, a chap that used to come to the Express office when 
 I was there afore, and the minit he saw that it was me, the boat 
 stopped all tu once, and begun tu snort and roll on the water like 
 a sick porpoise, and some one sung out, " Cum aboard." 
 
 Captin DoolUtle and the nigger, they let down the boat, and 
 afore I knew it there I was, standing in the steamboat. The 
 minit I stepped aboard, the swad of fellers on deck with toot- 
 horns and fifes and drums, let out a hull thunder etorm of music. 
 Captin Doolittlo, he banged off the old gun agin; the leetle nig- 
 
256 HIGH LIFS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 ger, he got up an extra shirt and gin another leetle hurra; Had 
 Mr. Purely, sez he, 
 
 l Mr. Slick, the President wants to see you." 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, "I haint no objection, only give me time to slick 
 up a mite." 
 
 With that I took out my hankercher and kinder dusted off my 
 new coat and trousers, and slicked down my hair a leetle, and I 
 tbllered Mr. Purdy, right up tu where the President was a stanu- 
 ing, in his yuller clothes and his cocked hat. 
 
 " Mr. Tyler, how do you du ?" sez I, a taking one hand from 
 my trousers pocket, and a hold ing it out. 
 
 The yaller chap, he stepped back a leetle, and the tall coon, 
 with the nose, he gin my hand a tarnal grip, and sez he, 
 
 14 Mr. Slick, I m glad tu see you." 
 
 44 You re kinder got the advantage of me, I reckon," sez I, but 
 that minit Alderman Purdy whispered to me, 
 
 44 Why, it s the President," sez he. 
 
 41 Gauly oppilus," sez I, " you don t say so!" 
 
 44 Mr. President, how do you du, and how are all the folks tu 
 hum, about these times, all purty smart I s pose?" With that I 
 worked away at the old chap s hand, with both mine, as if I d 
 made up my mind tu pump an office out of him, afore I let 
 go. 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, 44 Captin, I hope you mean to stay in York a 
 &pell, now you ve got here ; some harnsome gals about these 
 diggings jest now, rale sneezers in the way of beauty you haint 
 110 idee of that sort, nor nothing have you?" sez I, a giving him 
 a slantindicular squint from one eye, and a leetle punch in the 
 ribs with the tip eend of my finger, 4t no you haint now." 
 
 The captin he larfed, and sez he, " Oh no, I m only making a 
 little unpremeditated toM* a " 
 
 u Jest so," sez I, "an accidental visit." 
 
 The captin gin me a squint across his nose, and th-3n I made 
 him a low bow, and sez I, " Jest so, but the folks seem tu be 
 ruther tickled with sich accidents, don t they ?" 
 
 This seemed to kinder mollify the captin, and jest as I was a 
 spreading myself for a new speech, a feller cum up with a great 
 red and green and white rosy, pinned on to his coat, and he 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 257 
 
 whispered tu the President, and the President looked round tu 
 me, and sez he, 
 
 " Mr. Slick, they tell me that the collation is ready will you 
 go with me into the ladies cabin, and lead down one of my fair 
 friends?" 
 
 I made him a prime bow a rale darnsing school smasher 
 and, sez I, 
 
 " Wai now, I don t know what kind of horned cattle a collation 
 is, but seeing as it s you, I ll tackle in, if it s only tu git acquaint 
 ed with a downright gin nine fair friend of your n, captin, for 
 folks say that your friends are purty darned unfair in a gineral 
 way." 
 
 " Folks don t du me justice," sez he, a turning red in the gills ; 
 44 No man ever had better or devoted friends on arth." 
 
 44 What there is on em," sez I. 
 
 The captin didn t seem tu hear me, but he took out his chaw of 
 terbacco and pitched it over the side of the boat. I dug both 
 hands into my trousers pockets, and sez I tu the man with the 
 silk rosy, sez I 
 
 44 Come, now, I s pose it s about time for you and I and the 
 President to be a movin. Where du you keep that critter of 
 your n ?" 
 
 44 What critter ?" sez he. 
 
 44 Why, the collation ?" sez I. 
 
 44 Down in the cabin," sez he. 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, " I hope the varmint is considerable tame ; but 
 come on, whose afeard !" 
 
 With that, Captin Tyler and I and the old yaller chap, with a 
 hull swad of fellers, some on em in training clothes, and some 
 on em with cocked hats on, went into a leetle room fenced off 
 from the deck, and there, jest as sartin as you live, were five or 
 six wimmen folks, right in amongst all them men, like one clover 
 top tu a hull hive of honey bees, a lookin as contented as git out. 
 44 Wai," think sez I, "If they ain t scared, I ain t." The Presi 
 dent seemed to know em, for he put his arm right under mine 
 so arnest, that he eenamost lifted my right hand out of my pock 
 et ; and, sez he, 
 
 44 Ladies, Mr. Slick, of the New York Press." 
 
 IT 
 
258 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 With that, I took off old bell-crown with one hand, and I pnt 
 out iny right foot and gin a draw kinder softly into the holler of 
 t other, and I bent down like a jack-knife; my eyes had tu kinder 
 roll up a leetle, to look into the gals , and sez I, 
 
 * l Ladies, I hope you re purty well ?" 
 
 One on em kinder got up half way, she was a proper purty 
 woman, and looked as good natered and kind as a robin red 
 breast in the spring time, and reached out that harnsome white 
 hand, and smiled sort of softly, and sez she 
 
 " Mr. Slick, we re happy tu see you." 
 
 Another harnsome critter in a checkered frock, a rale ginuine 
 beauty, without paint or whitewash, she gin her leetle foot a 
 twirl, and was a beginning tu reel off a curchy, so I jest stuck 
 out my left stomper, and sot the hinge of my back a going for 
 her ; but jest as I was gittin head s up agin and my arms a swing 
 ing back tu their place, I ketched her a looking at t other one, 
 and a puckering up them lips of her n, till they looked like two 
 red rosberries jest a going to drop off from their bushes. I set 
 tled both hands back in my pockets agin, and stood right up par- 
 pendicular, as a true born American ought tu. 
 
 " Marrn," sez I, " what do you think of the weather *" and 
 with that, I jest curled my upper lip and gin her a ginuine grin 
 from one ear tu t other, and sez I, "Look a here, inarm, if you 
 want tu do this kinder business up harnsome, take a lesson from 
 me ; I ile the jints of my under jaw every morning. Them screw 
 larfs ain t good for the mouth, you may be sartin of that." 
 
 The critter, she colored all over, till she looked as sweet as a 
 pina, then a lot of fun bust right into them blue eyes of her n, 
 and her pesky leetle mouth begun tu tremble and work itself 
 about, like a red rosy a trying tu fold itself up into a bud agin ; 
 and then she bust right out into a leetle finefied haw-haw ; and 
 two leetle teenty gals, dressed out in black, they begun to titter 
 like two pigeons on a gutter pesky sweet leetle varmints and 
 a smasher of a woman, that was older than any of em, she jined 
 in and larfed sort of easy and nat ral, as if she d fed on nothing 
 but ripe muskmellons for a hull fortnight ; and then the Presi 
 dent he jined in, and we had a fust rate haw-haw, right there in 
 the cabin. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 259 
 
 Jest then, a leetle chap, with an allfired swad of yaller hair a 
 clicking out all round his head, cum in, and the good natered 
 lady in the gray dress, she hitched on to the President, and a 
 great tall chuckle-headed teller, dressed out in frock and trousers 
 like a boy, with gold buttons a glittering all over his bosom, and 
 a streak of gold a running across his shoulder, he made a dive at 
 the liarnsoine -al in the checkered frock, the consarned over 
 grown coot ! but I jest then sidled right up with my elbow ready 
 crooked, and sez I, a looking as perlite as all natur, sez I 
 
 " Arter me is manners for you." 
 
 The feller looked mad enough tu eat me hull, without vinegar 
 or sarse but I didn t seem to mind it. The harnsome gal had 
 clenched her white fingers over my coat sleeve, as loving as a 
 young grape vine round a black elder bush; and when I git 
 hitched on to a fust rate gal, all the fellers in creation may go to 
 old Nick, for what I care. The old Sogers, they mixed in with 
 us and the fellers with silk rosies, and out we went, on deck and 
 down stairs. The music, it bust out agin, and one of the fellers 
 wiih a silk rose, he yelled out, " Make room for the President !" 
 so the free-born Americans on deck, they crowded back and 
 made a lane for us. 
 
 " Make room for the President and his sweet," the feller sung 
 out agin. 
 
 Think sez I, " That aint fair now ; the gal with the President 
 is a nice critter as ever lived ; but darn me if mine aint sweeter 
 than his n, a pesky siirlit," so I sung out, and sez I 
 
 u Make room for Jonathan Slick and his sweet;" with that I 
 took a inarching step and went down stairs heads up, and with 
 the gal hanging on my arm, as independent as a cork-screw. 
 Gaury, but wasn t there a feed, considering it was nothing but a 
 cold cut sich hunks of beef, and ham, and pork, and piles of 
 bread, and bottles of " the critter," you never sot eyes on, with 
 out it was day arter thanksgiving. We all sot down at one eend 
 of the table, and afore we d got a single bite, the doors banged 
 open, and down cum the free-born citizens from on deck, heltor 
 gkelter, higgle-te-pigglety, black coats, red coats, blue, green, 
 every color on arth, and sogers, spartans, tailors, shoemakers 
 every ao*-t of two-legged animals under em, eating away for dear 
 
260 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 life, and a drinking like so many house gutters, right afore the 
 face and eyes of the President and me, with all the harnsorae 
 leetle sweets a setting round us, I swan tu man, it eenamost 
 sot me agin my victuals : and the harnsome gal by my side, she 
 looked kinder scared, as if she hadn t ought tu be there. 
 
 "Try and take a bite, du now!" sez I, a piling some cold 
 pork on her plate, u it aint a mite rusty, and makes me feel, 
 a most to hum, it tastes so nat ral." 
 
 She put the leastest mite between, them temptin lips, but 
 didn t seem to eat with a relish yet. " I swan," sez I, a bending 
 down to take a squint at her face, " I only wish I could git 
 aboard the sloop, and bring you a prime bunch of young onions. 
 Wait a minit and I ll try?" 
 
 " Oh, no, no," sez the sweet critter, " I d ruther not don t 
 leave me, Mr. Slick." 
 
 u Darn ine, if I du onions or no onions," sez I, but I felt 
 kinder disappointed though, for a bunch of white onions, tops 
 and all, would a ben prime with the cold pork howsomever, I 
 gin in as a feller ought tu, when a gal is in the case ; but I didn t 
 feel a bit satisfied about the stomach. When the President got 
 up tu go on deck agin, I looked into the gal s eyes, and tried not 
 tu feel a hungry. 
 
 Oh, par, I wish you d a ben standing on the deck, with us, 
 when we went up. It was a tarnation harnsome sight; the 
 water was a blazing with the sun, and a shining around us, all 
 checkered over with boats, and sloops, and shipping of all sorts, 
 then right ahead was the hull city of York, steeples, housen, and 
 wharves, piled together and heaped up with people a swarming 
 down tu the shore, a hanging over the water, and a climbing up 
 the masts all along the East and North rivers, like bees in hiving 
 time. Two allfired big ships sot on the water, right agin the 
 Battery, with a hull regiment of men, all dressed out in white, a 
 standing up in the rigging, tu see the President and us cum in. 
 The hills all round Brooklyn, was kivered thick with folks a 
 hurraing and a flinging their hats up and a leetle island that 
 lies close up tu York, was chuck full and a running over with 
 human live stock. 
 
 When we got agin the big ships, the men in the riggin flmv 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 261 
 
 rished their hats, and gin us a thundering loud hurra. Tho 
 President he took his hat off, and I and the old yaller chap 
 boosted him up onto a chair, that everybody might have a good 
 squint at him. Mr. Curtis wanted tu hold on tu his coat tail, 
 and make believe boost, but the old yaller chap and I we shov 
 ed him off about the quickest. 
 
 " Git out," sez I, " git out ! if a President of the United 
 States, can t stand without the help of a pack of office-holders, 
 he d better fall tu once. Here s this old revolutionary soger, 
 and I the army, and the people if we can t keep him up, he ll 
 have tu go tu grass that s all !" 
 
 But while we was talking, the tw r o ships blazed away with 
 every darn d gun in their sides, and the sailors hurraed agin, 
 and afore we knew it, a hull thunder cloud of hot smoke cum 
 a pouring over us all ca-smash went the chair, and the Presi 
 dent he pitched head for ard, right amongst the office holders. 
 The old yaller chap and I shook our heads, and begun to feel a 
 trifle streaked. 
 
 " I m afeard he s a gone shote," sez I, as the old feller put his 
 cocked hat on agin. 
 
 " A unfortunate accident" says a feller close by. 
 
 " Not so unfortunate as you think for," sez Captin Tyler, a 
 jumping up and a nussing his nose with one hand, "I ve had 
 worse falls than this, and riz agin arter all. Give us another 
 boost, feller citizens I stand ready for a second boost." 
 
 The office-holders made believe help him, but Lord a massy ! 
 they hadn t grit enough tu hist a grasshopper out of a bog of 
 swamp grass; but I and the yaller giueral, though, we sot him 
 up as good as new, afore half the smoke cleared off. 
 
 Jest as all was put tu rights agin, the brass cannon at the eend 
 of our boat, let off a blast of young thunder. We gin the ship 
 a fust rate hurra, and the minit we were a done, Captin Doolittle 
 and the nigger, they got up a small chance of a cheer, and let 
 off the old gun agin right under our starn. Arter that, we made 
 a curlecue round both the ships with our music a rolling out and 
 our flags a flying, and Captin Doolittle he chased right arter 
 with the red shirts a cutting capers from the bean-poles; and the 
 leetle nigger, he stood on the bows a rolling his eyes and a 
 
262 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 blowing away at Yankee Doodle on a crooked fife like all nat&r. 
 I swan tu man, it was enough tu set a feller s patriotism to work 
 ing like a beer barrel. We gin the ship another hurra and cut for 
 the Battery, with Captiu Doolittle and the sloop a streaking it 
 right arter ; the guns on the little island they bellowed away at 
 us as we cut by, and the folks on the Battery, they flung up 
 their hats and hollered eenamost as loud as the guns that kept 
 a roaring every ininit, till by-am-by in we went ca-smash, right 
 amongst the trees and a hull gineral training of sogers. The 
 President and us we walked ashore and went right into Castle 
 Garden. It was chuck full of feller citizens and sogers, and the 
 mayor was a waitin for us to cum up ; he measured off a hull 
 bilin of soft soap to the captin, and then the captin he stuck out 
 his right arm and gin the mayor back as good as he sent, with 
 a pint cup full over. Then we went out amongst the trees, the 
 captin he got on tu a horse all finefied off with gold and shiny 
 leather, and then the leetle boys that hung on the trees as thick 
 as acorns in the fall, they gin us a cheer, and jest that minit 
 I see the newsboy a leading my mare right towards me. I 
 forked over a fourpence-ha penny and got on tu the critter, tick 
 led eenamost tu death tu git a chance tu sit down agin. 
 
 That mare is clear grit, par, and no mistake ; the music, and 
 the guns, and the shoutin, had sot her blood a bilin, and she 
 danced about like a two year old colt jest off grass. 
 
 I rode through the trainers full chisel arter the President, and 
 the colt, he cum a kickin up his heels amongst the wimmeu and 
 children as crazy as a bed bug. I pushed in close up tu the cap- 
 tin, and he and I and the rest on em rode along afore the sogers 
 as crank as you please. But the mare, she didn t seem tu like 
 the way they pinted them guns at her, and once in a while she d 
 kick up and grow a leetle sarcy, and snort right in their faces 
 like a tin toot-horn about dinner time. When we d got about 
 half way through the sogers and it seemed as if all creation 
 had got intu regimentals jest then the mare she got anxious 
 about the colt, and sot up a whinner that a most shook me off 
 from her back. I tried tu make her git along, but she only bust 
 out in a new spot, dug her hoofs close tu the ground and tacked 
 kiito the crowd till I got wrathy as all natur with her; b^it the 
 
BY JONATHAN* SLICK. 2G3 
 
 more I paid the gad on, the worse she got, till by-am by sl>e 
 stood stock still, a shakiii her head, a stompin with her fore foot, 
 and a yellin arter the colt like a lovesick gal. 
 
 The President he was a gitting ahead, and the darn d coots all 
 around, begun to larf and poke fun at us, when the colt he cum 
 a scampering through the trees, and a scattering hull squads of 
 wimmen, and boys, and babies, every jump, till he ended off in 
 a crazy caper, all around the mare and me. This pacified the 
 critter, and arter whinnering over the colt a leetle, she jogged 
 on as meek as a cosset lamb, and the colt he follered close tu, 
 till I came up with the captin agin, and then he d stop every 
 once in a while, and face about, look right into the sogers eyes, 
 so arnest, that they couldn t help but bust out a larfin, if the 
 President and I was a lookin at em. 
 
 It was about the greatest show that I ever sot eyes on. The 
 Battery is one of the harnsomest spots on arth, all kivered with 
 grass, and chuck full of trees, and a hull army of sogers, some 
 in brown regimentals, some in green, with yaller feathers, and 
 some in red, yaller, blue, and all sorts of colors, a wheelin round 
 under the trees, was enough to make a feller proud of his 
 country. 
 
 When we got to the gate, which opens at the eend of Broad 
 way, Captin Tyler he got into a carriage, and wanted me to git 
 in tu, but I was afeard to leave the mare, and so Robert Tyler, 
 the chap with the yaller hair, we agreed to hitch tackle, and 
 ride along with one another. A hull array of sogers with their 
 drums a beating, and colors a flying, went ahead; Robert Tyler 
 and I, and the colt, and a hull squad of other great men cum 
 next, and then come on the President with his hat off, and a 
 bowin to all the winders and stoops as he Went along. Wasn t 
 them winders and ruffs and stoops a sight tu behold ! Every 
 square of glass, and every railing that a critter could hold on to 
 was kivered with folks. In my hull life, I never see so many 
 harnsome gals. It seemed as if every man in York, had hung 
 out a sample of his family, for the fellers to pick and choose 
 from. I swan tu man, if it didn t seem to me as if all the gala 
 in creation was a swarming round the President and I, like yal 
 ler butterflies round a mud hole, all m ein anxious for a smile 
 
2 #4 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 at one or t other on us. It made the blood kinder tingle all ovel 
 me to feel that hull battery of bright eyes a pouring fire down 
 on us. I raly don t see how the President stood itl He 
 couldn t, if the crowds of free born citizens that swarmed every 
 step of the way, layer on layer, hadn t kept him a shakin hands 
 out of the carriage a most every step, till he was clear tuckered 
 out, and a most wilted down in the carriage, long afore we got 
 up the Express office. When the news boys see me and the colt, 
 they sot up a hurra that outdid anything I d heard since we 
 come away from the Battery, all the purty gals waved their 
 hankerchers about, and every winder was jammed full, and all 
 on em a lookin straight at me and Bob Tyler and the colt. So 
 I lifted my right hand kinder slow, and took off the old bell- 
 crown I drew in the bridle so as to make the mare caper about 
 right, and made six bows one arter t other, till my forred near 
 about touched the old mare s neck. 
 
 They gin me three more cheers of the tallest kind, as they say 
 in York, but when I looked round, there was Bob Tyler with his 
 hat off, and a shakin that swad of yallerhair about, jest as if our 
 news boys would cheer him, or any body else, when / was a 
 goin by ! 
 
 "That s right, Mr. Slick," sezhe, when he see my bell-crown off. 
 
 " Par the President must be a most tired to death, a bowin 
 and a shakin hands so much, it s quite proper that you and I 
 should do a little on it for him." 
 
 " Wai," think sez I, " if you aint a self-conceited critter, I 
 don t know who is," but the feller looked as innocent as a lamb, 
 and I was afeard he d feel about as sheepish as if I let out on him 
 so I put my bell-crown on agin, with a leetle knock at the top, 
 for I had to settle the grit somehow, and sez I, 
 
 " Wai, Mr. Tyler to git on a new subject how ll you swap 
 horses ? say my mare and colt agin that harnsome critter of 
 your n, saddle and bridle thrown in ?" 
 
 The feller kinder smiled, but didn t answer right off, so I jest 
 turned about, and leaned one hand on the old mare s cropper, 
 while I whistled the colt up tu us, and pinted out his harnsome 
 head, and chist, and the clean notion that he has got of flingin 
 out his legs. 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 205 
 
 41 He s a smart critter, I can tell you," sez I ; " and as for the old 
 mare here, she s worth her weight in silver dollars. Haint got 
 but one fault on arth." 
 
 "And what s that?" sez Mr. Robert Tyler, sez he. 
 
 u Why, she s troubled with the botts a leetle, once in a while, 
 but it aint nothin worth mentionin." 
 
 Mr. Robert Tyler he give a start, and he turned as white as 
 skim milk in the face. Sez he, all in a twitter, sez he, "Don t 
 mention it, Mr. Slick. My j;ar, the President, wouldn t let a 
 horse go into his stable that had ever gin symptoms of the botts. 
 It s an awful disease. Don t mention it to him, for he d never 
 git over it if you did !" 
 
 Wai, then, I s pose we can t trade," sez I. " Think on it agin. 
 Mebby you ll change your mind to-morrow." 
 
 " Hello !" sez I agin. " What s that, Captin Tyler s druv his 
 carriage right out of the ranks, and is gone fair split down 
 Broome street." 
 
 Mr. Robert Tyler he turned his horse, and he and I and the 
 colt took arter the President full chisel. We cum up with him 
 jest as he was a gittin out before the Howard Hotel. He was so 
 bent out and tuckered down that I raly felt sorry for him ; for 
 arter all that folks say, I believe that he s a good hearted old 
 chap, and wants to du the thing that s about right, if he could 
 ouly be sartin what i was. He couldn t but jest hold up his 
 head, and had tu go to the Theatre yit. As I was a looking at 
 him, a notion cum intu my head, and, sez I 
 
 " Captin, jest put on your hat a minit, and drive down to the 
 sloop i ve g t somethin there that ll make your nose tingle, and 
 ehirk you right up, till you ll be as chipper as a squirrel in the 
 tall time." 
 
 Captain Tyler he got right up, and sez he" I ll do anything 
 on arth that ll make me feel better." " Mr. Robert," sez I, " tell 
 the pals that we ll come back right oft 1 " so down we went, I 
 helped the President into the carriage, and in less than no time 
 we got out and went aboard the sloop. 
 
 "Captain Doolittle had gone ashore, and there wasn t nobody 
 aboard but the leetle nigger. I sent him to the wharf for a 
 |:iehei of cold CrotoL water, and then I asked the President 
 
260 HI GUI LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 flown into the cabin, It was cleared out, and swept as neat as 
 a new pin. The table that stood in the middle of the cabin was 
 scoured off as white as milk, and Captain Doolittle he\l hung up 
 the checkered curtins that niarm made for him, right over the 
 highest berth, till it looked as temptin as our spare bed. I gin 
 the Captin a chair, and lie sot his hat down on the table, close 
 by old bell-crown, while I opened a locker and took out a hull 
 dishfull of doughnuts that inarm biled up for me afore I cum 
 away. Just as I d sot them on the table, the nigger cum with 
 the cold water. I took it up tu the locker, and filled in with 
 vinegar and lasses enough to make it prime svvitchel, such as 
 marm mixes up for the workin hands since you took the pledge, 
 par. When I stirred it up well, arid took a swig, to see if it was 
 the rale critter, I got a tumbler, and arter filling one for the Pre 
 sident, I sot down, and sez I 
 
 " Now, Captin, make yourself to burn, and take hold." 
 
 He didn t need much urgin, for the switchel was ginuine stuff, 
 sweety and yet sort of tart, and cool as a cowcumber, and the 
 doughnuts beat all natur. 
 
 The President hadn t eat more than half a dozen, and had his 
 tumbler filled about as often, afore he begun to chirk up, and 
 look as good as new agin. 
 
 " Mr. Slick," sez he, "this is what I call livin," but my mouth 
 was half full of a middling-sized doughnut, and I had to wash it 
 down afore I could answer. 
 
 " IIeb> yourself, Captin ; don t be afeard there s enough more 
 where tnese cum from," sez I, a swollering the last mouthful. 
 
 " Wai, I think Tve done purty well," sez he, a stretching his- 
 self up and putting his hands in his pockets, U I raly begin to 
 feel like myself agin ; that s excellent drink of yourn, aint it t 
 Mr. Slick?" 
 
 " Coolin," sez I, 4i and ruther toothsome ; shall I mix another 
 pitcher, captin? 
 
 "No, not now," sez he, "but I wish you d write me out a 
 receipt." 
 
 " I ll do it," sez I, u and glad of the chance, for darn me if I 
 hamt took a sort of a notion to you ; my opinion is that you re 
 a vale ginuine feller, if them consarned politicians would only let 
 
BV JONATHAN PUCK. 2 r <7 
 
 yon be; all you want is a downright honest oliap that ll tell you 
 the tru-h right out, and il,:i> you ran tru.-t, he d he worth a In: 11 
 hilin of Whigs, or Loro-t oros either." 
 
 " But where is he to he found t" 1 sez the President, sort of 
 nielanclioly. 
 
 "Look a here!" sez I, a flingin one arm over the chair and a 
 leaning t other elbow on the table ; "look a here !" 
 
 The President he sot with both hands in his pockets a looking 
 right in my face for ever so long, and sez he at last, sez he 
 
 "Mr. Slick, will you go hark with me to the hotel, and sleep 
 with mo to-night? 1 want to have some talk with you: of course 
 you ll go with us to the Park Theatre?" 
 
 " With all the pleasure in natur," sez I, "and we d better be 
 a-guin ; take another swig of the pitcher, captin, and stow away 
 some of the doughnuts in your pockets, they ll be prime at the 
 Theatre." 
 
 The President said he d eat enough, so as I was a follering up 
 my own advice, he got up and was a puttin on his gloves, when 
 he see his own pictur a hanging by Captin Doolittle s berth, and 
 I could see that he was kinder tickled with it. 
 
 " Captin Doolittle aint much of a politician," sez I, " but he 
 bought that pirter because he parsists that it proves you to be 
 the most cnii-i.-teiit President that ever lived, when you veto so 
 many bills." 
 
 " How does my face prove that," sez he, looking sort of 
 pu/zled. 
 
 u Why," sez I, l - lie sez that a man that runs so ginerally to 
 nose can t be expected to say yes when he don t want to." 
 
 ^lie President lie bust right out a larn n, and with that I took 
 Old bell-crown, and arter sending the nigger to put up the mare 
 and colt I fol .ered on to the hotel ; but it s ^ittin late and I can t 
 write any more till next wet-k ; but mebby you ll hear from me 
 then, for the President and I went to the Theatre, and slept to 
 gether, and are as thick as three in a bed je>t now, and if ho 
 haint no objections I shall write all about it, but twill be jest as 
 ; t takes my notion whether I send it right on or print it. 
 
 1 send you my pictur and the captin s tu, but it was engraved 
 
268 HIGH LIFE IN* NEW YORK. 
 
 in a hurry, ami aint nigh on so harusome as either on us ; by-am- 
 by I ll set tor another, and then you ll see a chap worth while a 
 figgering in the Express agin. Your dutiful son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLIOK. 
 
 LETTER XXVII. 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK IN NEW YOKK. 
 
 Jonathan attends the President at the Howard House Visits the 
 Park Theatre with the President and his Handsome Girl Goes 
 with Mr. Robert Tyler to have his Hair Cut at Clairhugh s Takes 
 Refreshments with the Ladies at the Howard House Bed-chamber 
 Scene with the President Serenade, &c. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 I begin tu feel a leetle sort of better, but nothing to brag on 
 yit. I raly believe that I d a been u gone sucker, if it hadn t 
 been for the mustard plasters and the onions that Captin Doolit- 
 tle kept a filling into me, outside and in, till I can a m ost feel 
 myself sprouting out greener than ever, and twice as strong. 
 My gracious ! when this ere influenza does git hold of a feller, 
 it aint a critter that you can scare off in a hurry. It s the worst 
 kind of a Down East cold, double and twisted strong; and if you 
 don t humor it like a cosset lamb, jest as like as not it ups and 
 goes off, stuboy, into a galloping consumption ; and the worst on 
 it is, it carries you off with it, whether you will or no. 
 
 Let me see ; I was a telling you about the President, and how 
 he seemed tu enjoy the doughnuts and switchel aboard the sloop. 
 The old chap took tu it like a nussin baby, and if he wasn t clear 
 grit, and no mistake, arter it, I don t know the symptoms of 
 prime living. 
 
 Wai, we went back to the Howard Hotel, and the President 
 he jumped out of the carriage as spry as a kitten, and both on 
 us run up the steps that open out of Maiden Lane, to git rid of 
 ahull swad <f office-holders that A r as a hurraing at the from 
 door in Broadway. 
 
BY JONATHAN SI.ICK. 2G9 
 
 The President he took off his lint, and slicked down his hair 
 a leetle in the entry-way, and I pulled up my dickey a trifle, ana 
 hauled out a corner of my yaller hankercher, and sez I 
 
 u Captin, go ahead, I m all ready." 
 
 We went right intu the harnsomest room that I eVer sot eyes 
 on in my hull life. Nothing that I ever see at the Astor House 
 was a primiii to it. The carpeting was all fiuefied off, and cur- 
 lecued with posies, and green leaves, and morning-glory vines 
 went a twistifying all over it as nat ral as life, and all on em 
 seemed kinder tangled up and trying to unsnarl all over the floor, 
 till it raly seemed like treading 011 a patch of wild pos es, with 
 the moonshine a streamin over it ; you would a most smell the 
 roses when a feller sot his foot on a bunch on em, they were 
 pictered out so nat ral and temptin. 
 
 The President, he sidled off to one of the cushioned benches, 
 and sot down right in a swad of the harnsomest of the gals that 
 sot in the room. They squeezed together tu make room for him, 
 and larfed so good natered, and looked all in a twitter they was 
 so tickled tu git him among em ; and there I was, eenamost 
 alone, a standin up parpindicular, and a feelin as streaked as &, 
 pair of old cotton trousers in washing time. That pesky harn- 
 Bome critter that wore the checkered frock aboard the boat, she 
 got nigh agin the door, so when she see me a standin there, she 
 pinted with that leetle white hand of her n, and sez she 
 
 " Why don t you take a seat, Mr. Slick ?" 
 
 " Wai," sez I, a bowin, " I don t care if I du, jest to oblige 
 you ; so down I sot, but the cushion give so, that I sprung right 
 up on eend agin, and when I see it rise up as shiney and smooth 
 as ever, I looked at her, and sez I 
 
 "Did you ever!" 
 
 44 It s elastic," sez she, a puckering up her mouth. 
 
 44 1 don t know the name on it," sez I, " but it gives like an 
 old friend, so I ll try it ngin." 
 
 44 These cushions are very beautiful and pleasant," sez she. 
 
 41 Yes," sez I, a spreadin rny hankercher over the cushion aud 
 a settin down, "they re as soft and blue as them tarnal sweet 
 eyes of your n, but not half so bright," 
 
 She k nder larfed a leetle cozy, and begun tu play with a tossel 
 
^7U HIGH LIFE I: 
 
 that hoog to a corner of her .-.eat, and then -he went, to i 
 will, . : . .-.oman that. *oi t other :.:de, lik.- all possessed the 
 darned tanterllzln Tmrfnfc 
 
 llir I M- -id. -nl In- ua, -A -. chipper :i .- ;i 1.1:. I l.ii.l, with t i, <-.-:,!, 
 around him A Mmiling And A twitteri rout 
 
 found a bftit. It raly tmidc my dander i-i-,,- 
 
 neuln thert at lonesome as git out. There, jest afore me on Mm 
 wall, was a great smftshin pictm, a. r..:.- j -u -.1 f/..id. with u man 
 
 HIM I (i woman a htu/K m "" l-.i i; in, and a lookifl int.. each ; th<-r , 
 . rif/ht in the middle, (in it, an if lli-r<- \\;i",n l <-n<. r-h |-nl 
 
 fire teuiptin critters to rile a feller up uiihont, tund Hi/in him 
 
 With pirliil-M III. 
 
 Iay, pur, did \nn . rh,-. I..T.M! ad-l.T a r-harmin a 
 
 l.ird, with hi.H h.-ad ntllrk up in l.h- him, and Idndrr hlant.-d a ono 
 
 side, his mouth wide open, nnd that, an- l--tl- lork.-.i tongue a 
 
 tn.mhlin in t.h middle on it. M it" il. VMI--. ;..,(. to dam-in hy that. 
 
 lazy hum, hum, hum, thai roinai otarnally n hiiin up iVon. th 
 
 pison Critter s throat > Naint you m-v.-rol. rrv.-d thcpurty l.ird, 
 hnll ,rar.-,| hi ,1,-at.h, and yit H IliiMi-riu r-lo ,-r and c.lo ,-r to the 
 Varmint, till h\ am 1>\, vhi- liyht ri: r ht. in hi; jaw, and h- i! . a 
 twittcHn MKT.-. while he saWalleiin it. hull { Wai. par. j.- I tal.o 
 t.h. piHon, and \>ii v<- ;<IIM- idee how I and old h< 11 rn>un 
 t.ho oft oodd-r round that, f/al ; hut I didn t, want, to </il. ht-r 
 to hanl.<-i-in.L a:lT nu- In much, for nolhin <m arlh i :. :o hl.i-l\ 
 to fiirn a chap of a lo\e !. lit . a I . I h-- ; al a f/ilt i u In I n.n: 
 a notion /uter him ; I f" 1 " . h ii(. -r another nap. to change 
 the. tune, and t.apered of into ( )ld Hundred wit h a touch of (reen 
 hank, and thitt. fro/.n hr down, eye -, fret, and all, in !<:,<, than no 
 
 time. 
 
 Tho Theatre wn chuck full of loll.-, and the mini!, we went. 
 Jn, the hull hilinon VIM p.t up ami he^un to Hint lln-ir hat- ahout 
 and yr.11 a^m like, all jio tae-i-n-d. I !<!! you what, par, tin- ere 
 York-r. t are nijrh aliont licklrd lu death to think that. I ve cum 
 had -it- in The Pn- ident. and I, wi-l.olh j. o|. up and laid our 
 hand ML/m I our vent, porke|-s on ll,.- I. -It id.-, and then We h.^iiti 
 tu in in like two -vhipporwill-. in a hlnel. alder l.u h. and not lu 
 howm and tolliii up our eve . till lln-y uetil at it. a con: arned 
 ni ( dit , u,re fe-u.-e Hum rver. Arter l!,e\ he fc nn to cod down a 
 
DY SLUM;. 271 
 
 :it ami I, WOM) down on one of the front bench- 
 1 je>t gin the har::somo gul a wink to set down close tu 
 t other >ide. and then the hull on em begun tu pile in, till we 
 cut about as harnsome a dash :i- a most anybody need tu see. 
 
 Tho m:iyo", he \\:i^ a goin tu sot down by the President, but 
 
 when he see me, ot cot:r>e he gin away, ami i-ot on t other seat. 
 
 hen the curtain cum down en-chunk, and the folks all riz 
 
 niul gin me three cheers that made the blood bile in my heart 
 
 like maple sap in a sugar kittle. Then a lectio, lank, oilice-seekiu 
 
 chap slicks hisselt up in the back seats, and yelled out, 4% Three 
 
 I for the Proideiit." 
 
 Hut lord a ma: cy. cheers aint to be hauled out of a crowd of 
 free-born citizens like tisli from a mill pond. Two or three mean 
 looking shotes like him squealed out 4% Hurra!" but that bait 
 wasn t temptin enough for known lish. I didn t want to make 
 the President feel bad, nor jealous, nor nothin, so I jest gin old 
 bell-crown a whirl, and hollered out, "Three cheers for my 
 friend, the captin." 
 
 Ciaury, didn t they let into it then! the rntV with all its pic- 
 tnrs and curlecues seemed a lit tin right up from the walls, hats 
 and hankerehers streamed out ; and sich a bla>t of human thun 
 der aint heerd every night at the Park Theatre. 
 
 That ll dn," sez I, a sinkin old bell-crown, and letting my 
 self oil* in a bow like an iled jack-knife. " That 11 du. Now, 
 captin, I gue-s we d better go hum." 
 
 44 But I ve got to go to the Chatham Theatre yit," sez the 
 President, a takin up his hat. " The Democracy, the Democracy, 
 you know, Mr. Slick, that miM be our fust consideration." 
 
 41 You aint a goin, Mr. Sliek :" sez the harnsome gal, a lo.ki;i 
 with them two t \e- right into mine, and a clinchin them ere 
 white fingers over the edge of old bell crown. 
 
 tl l ruther gue not," sex I, a droppin my yaller hankercher 
 over that pesky white h:md, for it looked so temptin that I w-is 
 afeard the President would want to git hold on it, and somehow 
 a President al ers d.e* purty much as he s a mind to with the 
 gals, except now and then one that s got a right idee of her place. 
 
 44 Wai," sez I, "captin, if you re detarmined to tackle in with 
 that armmal thar you jest mentioned, make up your mind to cut 
 
272 HIGH LIFE IK NEW YORK. 
 
 your own fodder. I go for human natur in gi rural the bt-at 
 part of natur I take to be the wimmeii folks so, if you d jest 
 as lives, I ll stay and go hum with the gals." 
 
 With that, Captin Tyler and the mayor, and the chaps with 
 the silk rosies went off; but Robert Tyler and I jest hitched ontu 
 the wimmen critters, and took them hum to the Howard Hotel. 
 The landlord, he sent us some drink that was enough to make 
 your eyes water, besides a great dish of pine-apples sliced up, 
 sugared off and with wine poured all over em, that he sot right 
 under the glass dish full of fire, where they lay yaller and t-hiny 
 enough to tempt a tee-totaler to break his pledge. The wimmen 
 they all drawed up round the table, and while they were laying 
 into the eatables and drinkables, I jest sidled round to the harn- 
 some gal and took one of inarm s doughnuts out of my pocket, 
 and I slid it into her hand. I gin her a wink, and, sez I, 
 
 " Keep dark, I don t want tu be mean, nor nothin ; I haint got 
 enough to go all round." 
 
 She was so tickled that she turned red all over, and eenamost 
 laried out ; but she took the hint and rolled the doughnut up in 
 her hankercher, not to make the rest jealous. 
 
 Jest then, I slipped out and run down tu the sloop, for I felt a 
 dry agin, and them pine-apples made me feel sort of womble- 
 cropped about the stomach. Your dutiful son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
 LETTER XXVIII. 
 
 JONATHAN SLIOK IN NEW YORK. 
 
 Jonathan goes to see Mr. Macready Description of the Theatre In 
 troduces himself to a Handsome Girl at the Theatre Enters into a 
 Flirtation Promises to Visit her Jonathan takes a Novel Method 
 of providing himself with a Fashionable Dress Quarrels with Cap 
 tain Doolittle Is reconciled, and starts off to make a Morning Call 
 on the Handsome Girl. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 Here I am agin, safe and sound, large as life, and chipper as a 
 grasshopper on a high rock in a sunshiny day. I tell you what. 
 
B\ JONATHAN SLICK. 273 
 
 a few ginuinc Iniskings to hum, with purty gals to pat the music 
 in a feller s elbows, as he strips the husks oft from the corn, \a 
 jest the sort of occasions to put the grit into a feller from top to 
 toe jest top them oft 1 with an apple cut or so, sich as we had to 
 our house when you and inarm cut about amongst the gals and 
 the young chaps, like two spring colts jest let out to grass ; and 
 taper the hull off with a week sich as I had a ropin onions with 
 Judy White, with her pesky red pouters a one side, and two or 
 three prim Weathersfield gals on t other a turning their good na- 
 tured eyes at a feller every string, till his heart is a cuttin pigeon 
 wings agin his ribs to the music of their larf jest let a chap get 
 used to that sort o pastur, and consarn me, if it don t do more to 
 wards making a ginuine man of him than ahull etarnity of York 
 life, where every other man and gal you meet have got their 
 hearts so tarnally used up, that they have to lean agin their back 
 bones to rest more than half the time, and likely as not get sound 
 to sleep at that. 
 
 The old sloop jest hit the nail on the head, and hauled into 
 Peck Slip the night arter Mr. Mar-ready, a smashin actor from 
 the old country, got to the Park Theatre, where he s been r, act 
 ing out things that d make your hair stand right up an eend eena- 
 jest to see it. I tell you what, he s a hull team and a horse to 
 let no mistake in that. 
 
 Did you ever see a race horse up on eend for a run, with his 
 neck curled over like an ox bow, and Li a skin shinen like a junk 
 bottle ? Did you ever look into the critter s eyes, and see the 
 fire dancing through the black ? arnin.al lightning, every darned 
 spark on it. If you ve seen that are, then you ve got some idee 
 of the allfired smashin critter that my arm was eenaraost girting 
 afore I took a squint at her face. 
 
 "Wai, she squinched a trifle and gin a leetle start, and then gin 
 me a look with them etarnal long big eyes that made me a most 
 jump on eend, and yit I sot like a great gawk a staring right 
 intu her face, jest as if I hadn t no marners. Quill wheels and 
 cheese presses! wasn t that critter something worth while! sich 
 lips red as a blood beet, and shiny as a harnful of wintergreen 
 berries! Consarn it, if ther d been a honey bee in the theatre, 
 he couldn t a kept from lighting right between em; and if he 
 18 
 
274 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 didn t find the breath as sweet agiii as all the honey he ever 
 stole from a clover top, I must a been darndly cheated by the 
 looks on em that s jest it. Her neck, and that great broad ibr- 
 red of her D, looked sort brown and slick, alike a hazlonut jest 
 afore it rattles from the shack ; and I never see a crow a flying 
 in the hot sun so black and shiny, as the thick swad of hair that 
 hcng braided and twistified up with gold chains, rale ginui e gold, 
 al round that harnsome head of her n. I swan tu man, she was 
 the fast gal that ever made Jonathan Slick feel as if he wasn t 
 tu hum in good company. Our black colt, with his taperin limbs t 
 that soft shiny mane, and them eyes that seemed to ketch fire 
 when the sun strikes em is about as much like a common cider 
 mill horse, as she is like the generality of wimmin folks. She 
 was eenajest as tall as I be, and big enough every way to match 
 a rale downright sneezer of a gal, that a most took away my 
 breath every time my eye ketched her n : and cousarn me, if that 
 wasn t every two seconds while I sot there. 
 
 Wai, there we sot and sot, till the curtin right afore us came 
 down ca-chunk agin the floor, and all the folks riz up as if it 
 was 1 ime tu be a goin. The gal got up, took the bottle and han- 
 kercher in one hand, and seemed tu be kinder lookin around for 
 something. I was jest a crookin my elbow, and had eenamost 
 said, " Shall I have the pleasure to see you hum marm ?" as we 
 do at singin school, when a feller that had been settin right be 
 hind us riz up and stuck out his hand as nat ral as git out. 
 
 The gal kinder gin a turn, and while she made bleeve pin her 
 shawl, chucked a piece o paper into my hand, and put the con- 
 sarned little hand that I d been a nussing in mine, right through 
 that tall chap s arm, and went off as if nothing was the matter. 
 I turned round like a great gawk, and took arter em. I jest 
 ketched one squint at them tarnal black eyes and at a swad o 7 
 hair that stuck out on his upper lip, like a gray cat s whiskers, 
 and then I found myself standing, like any other darned coot, all 
 alone under a street lamp, a tryin to cypher out" the leetle fine- 
 fied words writ out on that piece o paper. Arter a good deal 
 of extra spellin I found out the meauin, and that was an invite 
 to come and see tiiat gal in the morning, at a house 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 2?5 
 
 SVal, I did the paper up, put both hands in my trousers pock- 
 to a, and arter lookin at myself from top to toe, ^ez I 
 
 "Jonathan Slick, you must be a consumed sight harnsomer 
 chap than ever I took you to be, that s sartin." 
 
 Wai, I couldn t ketch a wink of sleep all night, but kept up a 
 tarnal thinkin about that gal ; and there lay Captin Doolittle a 
 snorin away in the berth right al ove me, like a tin peddler s toot- 
 horn run crazy. I swan, it was as much as I could du to keep 
 from gettin up and chokin the varmint. Turights the daylight 
 cum a sneakin intu the cabin as lazy as ever you see daybreak 
 come on ; and jest arter the sun got up, Captin Doolittle begun 
 to stir his stumps about breakfast. lie and I and the little nigger 
 sot down, but I felt kinder peaked and couldn t hoe my row a 
 bit; so the Captin and the nigger did extra duty, and stowed 
 away for me. 
 
 Your loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLTOK 
 
 LETTER XXIX. 
 
 Jonathan Visits the Handsome Girl Describes a Gambling-House in 
 the Morning before it is put to rights Visits the Lady s Boudoir 
 Describes the Furniture, the Lady, her Dress, and Conversation la 
 Interrupted by the Gentleman of the House And leaves with a 
 promise to return and escort Miss Sneers to Mad. Castellan s Con 
 cert. 
 
 DEAR PAR : 
 
 Wai, ns I was savin, I pulled foot down one of them streets 
 that run off kinder catecorned by the Park, till I cuia right agin 
 the house pinted out in the paper which that harnsome gal had 
 gin me. I kinder cut across the street and stood o-vcr ngin the 
 house, detarmined tu take a sort o observation afor3 I sot my 
 foot inside the doorway. It was an alltlred harnsome consarn, 
 with one story piled atop of t other, till you could count four 
 rows of winders, besides a row of young ones, stuck right in tu 
 the edge of the ruff. A lot of stone sups run up tu the front 
 door, and an iron fence twistified and curlecued round the edges 
 
276 HIGH LIFE IN N EW YO11X. 
 
 run along eacli eencl. The winders all on em had green slats 
 shut over em, the door follered the fashion, and the hull consarn 
 seemed tu be shut up agin winter. 
 
 Wai, I cut across the street and went straight up the steps. 
 There was a great chunk o silver sot intu a kind of a silver sar- 
 ser nailed agin the door post, and with a name writ round the 
 edge on it. Arter giving the chunk a sneakin pull, to be sartin 
 it would give and meant somethin, I gin it an allfired jerk and 
 turights there was a tinklin and ringin inside, as if an old wether 
 with a fust rate bell on, had took to scootin over the house. 
 
 I hadn t more n got my hand off the chunk, when the green 
 slats swung open jest as easy, and a yaller nigger stood inside a 
 eyeing me from top tu toe, as if he had a sort of hankerin arter 
 some human arnimal, but didn t think me jest good enough tu 
 eat hull without considerable sarse. 
 
 " How do you du," sez I, as mealy as a pink eyed potater jest 
 out o the pot "How are all the folks this mornin? purty 
 smart I reckon." 
 
 The coot stared and kinder shook the two great swads o curly 
 nair that stuck out over each side of his head ; and arter lookin 
 back intu the house, then up the street, and then agin at me, sez 
 he, "What du you want?" sez he. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, a divin both hands down to where my pockets 
 ought to a been, but eenamost keelin head over heels with the 
 dive I gin without finding bottom " I seem tu surmise that I 
 want tu see some body a trifle more like folks than you seem tu 
 be go I guess I ll walk in." 
 
 With that I gin the chap a shove with one of my mudgrap- 
 piers, and walked right intu the long entry-way, as crank as a 
 militia trainer with his regimentals on. 
 
 "What s your name and who do you want?" sez the yaller 
 nigger kinder wrothy, and a shakin that swad o 1 curly hair at 
 me like a darned great sun flower in a foggy storm. 
 
 "Wai," sez I, "you ought tu go Down East and learn to ask 
 ipestions. If your tongue was only half as greasy as your faco 
 now, you could a done it as slick agin. I aint got no name tu 
 speak on, and all I want o you is jest tu tell the harnsome crit 
 ter that lives here, that I m on hand, a waitin down here as sprj 
 
BY ON ATM AX SLICK. 277 
 
 AS a cricket, and alx ut as arncst tu sec her agin as ever a chap 
 
 Was." 
 
 The chap he kinder eyed me askew. Fust lie took a squint at 
 Jiy puffy trousers, then at old bell crown, and then at me all over. 
 
 " You can t be the gentleman that she told me to let in," sez 
 he; "does Miss Sneers expect you?" 
 
 u Wai, I kinder reckon she does," sez I. 
 
 Wai/ sez the teller, lookin sort o unsartain, "jest step iritu 
 this room and I ll go and see." 
 
 " That s a leetle more like folks," sez I, a followin the chap 
 intu a room at one eend of the entry-way, where I sot down 
 wi:h old bell crown over my knees, and took a squint round. It 
 was kinder dark, for them between slats shut out the light; but 
 I could see that the room hadn t been fixed up since over night. 
 Two of the chairs lay keeled up on the carpet the kiver was a 
 .^lidin off from the table a most tu the carpet, and slopped over 
 with wine that wasn t dry yit a decanter with a tritle <> wine, 
 or per aps brandy, stood on the table where the cloth had left it 
 bare, and an alltired puny wine i:lass lay on the harnsome carpet 
 broke to smash ; and round under the table and close around my 
 chair was a hull squad of l-layin cards, a mo^t new, as if some 
 body had got beat a playin high -low-jack and the game, and 
 flung the hull bilin down in a huff. I d jest picked up two or 
 three of the cards, when the yaller nigger turned back and sez he 
 
 It aint of no use I can t tell my mistress who wants tu see 
 her, if you wont give me your name, or a card." 
 
 * Wai," sez I, "if you imi^t have one or t other, there s a card 
 now git out, and don t let me see that consarned yaller face 
 agin till it s wanted." 
 
 With that I handed over the jack-o 1 -spades ; he turned his 
 great sarser eyes, fust on the leetle feller that sot stuck up on the 
 card, and then agin at me, as if he didn t know what tu make 
 nn t. There was no satisfy in him, I could see that, but I d 
 begun to get tired o waitin, and sez T, 
 
 k * Wai, there s the card, and a harnsorne one tu my name is 
 Jonathan Slick of Weathersfiehl my father is a Squire and a 
 Deacon of the Church my mother was Jerusha Pettobone my 
 but darn me, if you aint sati-lied now, you consarned pryin 
 
278 HIGH LIFU IN NEW YORK. 
 
 shoto, you may go tu grass, and the harnsome gal with 
 you." 
 
 The feller cut stick afore I d half done, and cum back a bo win 
 and a scrapin, as if he d got a set of new jints while he was a 
 goin up stairs. 
 
 " My mistress wants tu know if you re the gentleman that she 
 saw at the theatre last night." 
 
 "Jest so," sez I, a flingin down the ten spot o clubs and the 
 ace o 1 diamonds, for somehow I jest didn t like the touch of the 
 varmints "jest so!" 
 
 " Walk up stairs," sez lie, a bowin eenamost tu the ground. 
 
 " Wai. I don t care if I du," sez I, follerin the chap. 
 
 I took off old bell crown and riled up my curls witli a leetle 
 flourish o fingers amongst the thickest on em, as I went up 
 stairs then I kinder shook up the pletes of my trousers, and 
 pulled out the eend of my yaller hankercher, as I went along 
 behind the buff colored nigger. 
 
 I swan tu man, Par, it was like walkin through a footpath 
 kivered over with meadow grass and wild posies, as I went up 
 the stairs, all carpeted off and a shinin with bars of gold. Jest 
 at the top stood a black figger, a mo-it as large as life and all but 
 naked, a holdin one finger tu his lips and with a lamp in t other 
 hand, that seemed as if it had buint itself out, for there wasn t 
 any ile in it, and the wick was sooty as a nigger s eye lashes. 
 
 AVal, I follered on intu another entry-way, where another fig 
 ger stood, as white as if it had been cut out of a fust rate cheese 
 curd. It had one foot up, as if it was a darncin, one arm was 
 flung over its own head, and both its pesky leetle hands was 
 chuck full of posies, that looked as if they d been planted in a 
 snow bank and watered with new milk, afore that harnsome 
 half dressed, indecent figger had found em. She looked like a 
 ginuine purty gal froze tu death for the want of kiverin. 
 
 " Wai, while I was a lookin at the poor critter, that yaller 
 nigger he opened the door and stood a flurishin his hand about, 
 jest as our minister does when he dismisses meetin, and is tu 
 allfired lazy tu use both hands tu once. 
 
 I went by the varmint and there I stood stock still in the door 
 way a staria about like a st ick calf. I swan, Par, I never sot 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 279 
 
 eyes on any thing that could shake a stick at that are room in 
 my born days. The floor was all spread off with a carpet, like a 
 meadow that slants tu the fust spring sun when the grass is a 
 springin up, and sot off thick with dandelions, buttercups and 
 clovertops; and I swan tu man, there was something in the room 
 that smelt just about as sweet. 
 
 The room wasn t over large, and a whoppin winder eenamost 
 took up one eend on t. Yet it was kinder dark for all that, for 
 a hull harvest of shiny silk, as thin as a locust s wing, and sort 
 a rosy colored, like a gal s cheek jest arter a chap has kissed it 
 was kinder tumblin down the winder in winrows turned length 
 wise, one arter t other, till the hull was grabbed up in one alfired 
 swad, and ketched back in a great hook all of solid gold, that 
 glistened like a lookin-glass frame when the fire light ketches it 
 fair. 
 
 There wasn t but two chairs in the room, and they seemed tu 
 be made out o solid gold tu, stuffed down with shining silk 
 figered off with posies redder than the winder silk, and yet kin 
 der like it. There was a bench agin the winder, standin on 
 chunks o gold cut out like a lion s paw, and that tu was all 
 cushioned off with shiny silk like the chairs, and on the back on 
 it, right agin the wall, two pillars were stuck up, all kivered over 
 with posies that looked good enough tu smell on. Right agin 
 the door was the harnsomest consarn that I ever sot eyes on. It 
 was a kind of a round table cut in tew in the middle, dressed up 
 in white and ruffled off with harnsome lace, like a gal when she 
 means tu cut a dash. A lookin glass stood on it sot in a gold 
 frame work, curlecued off like a great vine, with the golden 
 grapes a bustin out all over it, and sort a droppin down over the 
 glass. I snum, if it wasn t a sight tu behold ! There was a fine 
 tied gold watch about as big as a ninepence, a lyin on the table, 
 and some leetle red morocco boxes, with a newfangled pitcher 
 pictured off tu kill, chuck full of ginuine roses and green leaves, 
 that looked as if they d that minit cum off from the bushes. 
 
 There was one thing more a standin up in the corner that beas 
 all I ever did see. It was an allfired overgrown candlestick a 
 standin on legs, and eenamost as tall as I be. That tn, seemed 
 to be of solid gold, curlecued off with lirtle picters. On the top 
 
280 HIGH LIFE IX NEW YORK. 
 
 was a great golden sarser, and what chawed rne u was a stream 
 o smoke that ris from the sarser, and kinder spread all over the 
 room, jest enough to let a chap know that there was a fire some 
 where about. Jest behind the whoppin candlestick was the fig- 
 ger of a critter, sort o half bird and t other half baby, the cun- 
 ninest varmint that I ever did see. The wings grew out of his 
 chubby shoulders, and the pesky little scamp seemed tu be a lar- 
 fin at me through the smoke all the while that he made believe 
 that he was a droppin somethin down intu the gold sarser. The 
 criiter was as white as a tomb stun ; but if it hadn t kept still, I 
 should eenamost thought it was alive. There I stood bendin 
 for ard, with my mouth kinder opened and old bell crown be 
 tween both hands, a lookin at that little varmint, and there he 
 was a inost w r inken at me, when somebody said, 
 
 " Walk in Mr. Slick, pray walk in !" 
 
 I gin a jump and dropped old bell crown, for it seemed tu me 
 as if the flyin baby had spoke ; but in stoopin tu pick up old bell 
 crown agin, I kinder turned round ; and there, on a bench cush 
 ioned off with silk, like the one I ve told you on, sot the gal I d 
 seen at the theatre last night; but oh, get out! more than as 
 harnsome agin. She was all dressed out in a white gown, that 
 hung kinder slimsy from that purty neck, till it eenajest kivered 
 the pesky leetle feet that lay on a footstool like two black squir 
 rels asleep together. The cloth that her dress was made on, was 
 so thin that I could a seen her arms through clean tu the wrist, if 
 the sleeves hadn t been made so full, that every time she moved 
 the hull arm got more than half unkivered. I swan, it made me 
 ketch my breath, when she kinder half ris and reached out that 
 are soft hand, a smilin all the time as if she was tickled eenajest 
 tu death tu see me. 
 
 I gin her hand a leetle mechin shake, and turned round tu set 
 down in one of the chairs, for I couldn t help but feel a trifle 
 streaked amongst all that heap o silk and gold. But before 
 I was quite sot down she settled back aginst the pillar, and 
 whilst she let one foot drop from the stool, she fixed t other pil 
 lar agin the wall; and while she was a pat tin the posies on it 
 with her hand, she lifted them tarnal black eyes and gin me a 
 smile that had more thtin the sweetness of ahull bilin of 
 
RY JOXATHA.N SLICK. 231 
 
 in it; and there she sot with that hand kinler stuck intu tlie 
 pillar yet. 
 
 No\v, Par, you don t think I was shote enough tu set down in 
 the big chair arter that, do you ? I guess I wheeled round, about 
 the quickest, and sot down so close by that harusome critter, 
 that I could feel her breath on my hair ; and yit, I sot as fur 
 off as I could, and close on the edge of the bench, but it was 
 orful short, and I had tu set close any how ; but oh gatily, didn t 
 my fingers tingle. There was that leetle hand, as soft and 
 while as a snowball, a lyin among the posies worked on that 
 pillar right behind me, and I hadn t but jest tu lean back, and 
 that are arm would a been a inost round me. But there I sot, 
 close on the edge, all in a flusterfication, fust a lookin at that are 
 hand, then at her smilin face, and then agin at old bell crown, 
 and so over agin. Arter I d sot about a minit, I hitched back a 
 trifle, and gin a kind o skeery squint at her she was eenajest 
 larfin. With that, I gin another hitch, and looked right straight 
 at old bell crown, as if I wanted tu eat it. The harnsome crit 
 ter didn t seem tu rile up any, so I jest dropped bell crown, 
 dived tu pick it up agin, and riz right up parpendicler agin the 
 pillar. I could feel the leetle hand a movin on the pillar agin my 
 back, like a chip squirrel in its nest ; but think says I, you r ketch- 
 ed this time, any how, and I guess you may as well lie still. With 
 that, I turned my head sort of a slow, and larfed a leetle, jest 
 enough tu show my teeth round the edges, and sez I, 
 
 " How do you da inarm ?" 
 
 Did you ever see a spring begin tu gurgle and shine up all tu 
 once, when you ve parted the peppermint that grows over it, and 
 let in the broad daylight on the water? If you have, per aps 
 you have some idea how consarned harnsome the smile was that 
 cum bustin all over that gal s face, a dimpling up them pesky red 
 lips, and a dancin through them great black eyes. I could see the 
 tantelizen critter ;i hit in them plump lips of hern, to keep from 
 suickerin out in niy face; so I put on a leetle extra grin myself, 
 for F m a hull team at larfin, and a boss tu let, when I onco 
 begin. By-am-by, sez she, as well as she could git it out, 
 sez she 
 
 4k I hope you enjoy yourself in town, Mr. Slick." 
 
282 HIGH LJFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 u I reckon I du jest now," sez I, u quite a considerable deal, 
 and upwards." 
 
 With that she sort a smiled agin, and somehow that other 
 beetle hand in her lap kinder crept along under the loose slimsey 
 sleeve, as if it wanted tu get better acquainted with mine. My 
 mudgrappler didn t object tu be introduced. 
 
 44 It s orful pleasant weather, for time o year," sez I, and rny 
 hand kinder crept along towards hern a mite. 
 
 " Very," sez she, a looking at the tall candlestick as soft as 
 summer butter; "very." 
 
 " I also kinder like tu go intu the woods in the fall, and see 
 the trees a turnin all sorts o colors, red and blue and yaller ; and 
 see the chesnuts, jest ripe enough tu drop from there prickly 
 shucks, and hear the but nuts a ratlin down tu the dry leaves. 
 Oh, gauly! I wish you and I was there now, if it was ony 
 jest tu watch the chip-rnunks and gray squirrels a carrying off 
 the nuts in their mouths and fore paws. Did you ever see a 
 harnsome black squirrel, with a shagbark between his whiskers, 
 a hoppin among the trees, arter they re stript raoreVn half 
 naked by the frost ?" 
 
 Then my fingers begun to travel agin like anything. 
 
 44 Yes," sez she, " I love a pet squirrel dearly." 
 
 By this time my hand had got tu the eend of its journey and 
 put up. 
 
 " Harnsome critters, aint they," sez I, a most out o breath, I 
 was so skeared. " Oaptin Doolittle has got a rale sneezer down 
 at the vessel, as black as git out, his tail curls up over his side 
 like the feather in a gal s bonnet, and he s got an eye as bright, 
 and sharp as if it had been cut out o yourn. I ll hook it from 
 the old coot, cage and all, and bring it up tu you, if you ve a 
 notion tu it, consarn me if I don t." 
 
 "You re very kind," sez she. 
 
 44 Oh, you git out !" sez I ; " that aint a primin tu what I mean 
 tu du, if you and I can only agree tu draw in the same tacklin. 
 
 aint mean as some chaps that I know on nobody ever ketched 
 me a halving a long nine, or askin a gal tu pay her own shot 
 when she went a slayiii with me ask Cap tin Doolittle, if you 
 don t believe &?</ 
 
BY JONATHAN SMOK. 283 
 
 The critter looked up and kinder -miled agin so darned winnin, 
 that I histed her hand tu my lips, :md gin it a nibble afore I knew 
 what I was about. She seemed tu try tu pull it away, and turned 
 her head so that I couldn t see her face. 
 
 u You aint mad nor nothin ?" sez I, a lettin go her hand. 
 u I swan tu man, you looked so darned sweet I couldn t help 
 it." 
 
 She got up and went tu the table that was dressed off so. and 
 smelt of the posies on it, and then she cum back agin and sot 
 down as good natuivd as a pussey cat; but she d put me in such 
 a tantrum, for fear I d made her mad. that I didn t know what 
 tu say next; so there I sot, a feelin streakeder and streakeder 
 every minit ; but arter a while I bust out agin 
 
 "Speakin of the woods," sez I, "aint the maple trees harn- 
 some ? Did you ever see the leaves when they re jest a turnin 
 red, a kinder tremblin on the limbs, as if every one on em was 
 kinder afraid of fallin off? I ve seen em over night as green as 
 Rome of these country chaps when they fust come tu York ; and 
 then agin in the mornin, as red as your lips ; and a most a* bright 
 when the sun shines on em." 
 
 I could see them lips begin to pucker up agin, as if they wanted 
 to give me a chance of judgin. So I kept on 
 
 " I swan," sez I, " sometimes it, seems to me as if the sugar 
 had stuck ap through the leaves and turned em red, they look 
 so pesky sweet. Speakin o that, du you love maple sugar?" 
 
 " Very much," sez she. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, " next time I cum I ll bring you an allfired hunk, 
 eee if I don t." 
 
 Jest then, the chap that I d seen at the theatre with her the 
 night afore, opened the door and cum straight in. I eenamost 
 jumped on eend and dropped her hand, that some how or other 
 had got intu mine agin, as if it had been a hot chesnut. 
 
 But the chap only looked around, and made a sort of a slidin 
 bow, and shet the door agin. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, all in a twitter, for my heart had riz right up 
 fntn ray mouth ; " I guess I ll be goin." 
 
 "So soon ?" sez she, a liftin them eyes sort o 1 mournful. 
 
 I wilted right down agin, like a cabbage plant ii the sun. 
 
284 HIGH LIFE IN NETV YORK. 
 
 " Aud who may that chap be," sez I, for I begun tu feel ugly 
 about the heart. 
 
 " Oh, he s only my brother," sez she, u never mind him. Are 
 you fond of music, Mr. Slick ?" 
 
 " I guess I be," sez I. " When the chorister is gone, I al ers 
 lead the singin at meetin tu hum." 
 
 u Have you ever heard Castellan ?" sez she. 
 
 " No," sez I, u I don t know as ever I ve heard that instru 
 ment, but I m great on the bas-viol, and could beat all natur on 
 the toot horn when I was a lee tie shaver, not more than knee 
 high to a toad." 
 
 Consarn the critter, I couldn t speak but what that pesky mouth 
 of hern would brighten and pucker up. 
 
 " Would you like to go with me and hear her this evening ?" 
 sez she. " We shall hear some tine music." 
 
 " If you ll only talk tu me there can t be a doubt on it," sez I, 
 a bo win. 
 
 " Then you will go ?" sez she. 
 
 "I reckon I will," sez I, " twice over if you want me tu, and 
 tickled to death with the chance." 
 
 " Wai," sez she, " I ll be ready at half past seven." 
 
 " You ll find me on hand," sez I ; u and now I guess I must bi 
 a goin." 
 
 With that I took up old bell crown, and arter makin a primt 
 bow, was a goin out ; but I happened tu think what a coot I ft 
 been, and turned back. 
 
 u I swan," sez I, l I d a most forgot tu ask what you wanted 
 tu see me for." 
 
 I snum, it seemed as if the maple leaves I d been a talking of 
 had been flung, a hull swad on em into her face, sne turned sc 
 red ; but afore she could speak I heard that chap a comin agin; 
 so I made her a low bow, but sudden, like a jack-knife opened 
 and shet in a hurry, and I cut for the sloop agin. 
 
 Your dutiful son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICK. 
 
UY JONATHAN SLICK. 285 
 
 LETTER XXX. 
 
 The Gambling House Jonathan is taken in with Cards. 
 
 DEAR PAR: 
 
 I ve tried to write tu you agin and agin since my t other letter, 
 but I felt so dreadful bad, there was no makin it out, all I could 
 du. I ve been dreadful sick, and about the darndest melancholy 
 critter that ever sot up an eend in bed. 
 
 I own it eenamost kills me to begin, but the truth will out 
 some time or other ; and a feller that aint ashamed to du wrong, 
 must be a snakin shote if he can t pick up courage tu own up tu 
 the truth, like a man. It s a tough job, though, to own that 
 you ve been made a darn d coot, and a leetle wus than that 
 but all I ve got to du is to grin and bear it. I was a tellin you 
 that Mij=s Sneers gin me an invite to supper. I slicked up and 
 went, nigh about dark, a feelinsort a streaked, I couldn t tell why, 
 and a thinkin of Judy "White all the way ; that pesky harn?ome 
 critter had riled up my feelins so desperately that I raly hadn t 
 known which eend my head was on but, somehow, as I went 
 along, Judy seemed close by me, with her hand on my arm, kin 
 der holdin me back ; and once I was eenamost tempted tu turn 
 back, and never think o this York gal agin on arth. I swow, I 
 raly believe the tears stood in my eyes when I went up the steps 
 for I couldn t keep from thinkin of hum all I could du, and it 
 seemed jest as if you and marrn were a holdin family prayers, 
 and all for my sake, jest .^en. I do believe, Par, that the spirits 
 of live folks that love you are as likely agin to haunt a feller 
 when he s in danger as them of dead people. "Wai, I rung the 
 door-bell kinder loth, for I hadn t felt very chipper all day, and, 
 somehow, thinkin of hum and sich things gin me a kind of timer- 
 some feelin. The buff nigger was on hand in no time. He 
 swung open the door, and stood a bowin and a shakin th.it etar- 
 Dal swad of hair till I got clear into the entry- way. I was a goin 
 
286 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 right up stairs, but the nigger he opened a side door, and says 
 he, " walk in." 
 
 " Jest so," sez I, and I went through the door inter a room 
 that was sot off tu kill with all sorts o notions and foreign fixins. 
 The winders were shut up close, and kivered from top tu bottom 
 with a hull Niagara of red silk. The benches and settees and 
 chairs shone and glistened all around, and overhead was one of 
 them concerns of fire and chink glass, a blazin and flashing round 
 us till it seemed as if the ruff overhead was made of solid gold. 
 The Avail were kivered all over with picters them golden frames 
 was all cirlicued off, and shone out dreadful harnsome, I can tell 
 you. Right under that heap of swinging glass, and jest where 
 the fire felt strongest, there was a table about as large round as 
 marm s cheese tub, and kivered over with a red cloth, all figured 
 off that fell clear to the carpet, and looked sort o rich, like a pile 
 of winter apples heaped afore a cider mill. 
 
 Two or three chaps sot afore the table, larfin and a talkin to 
 gether, while they kinder tilted back the chairs they sot in, and 
 seemed to make themselves tu hum all over. 
 
 I looked around for Miss Sneers, but she wasn t there yit, and 
 the chaps by the table didn t seem tu know that I was standin 
 there, and a lettin off my prime bows all for nothin. But jest 
 as I was a goin to back out, a feller that lay on one of these new 
 fangled settees that have an arm chair at each eend, and a bench 
 in the middle all cushioned off with red silk, he kinder riz up, 
 and I see it was the chap that waited on Miss Sneers at the 
 theatre the first time I ever saw her. He cum for ard on seein 
 me, and a lookin eenamost tickled tu death tu think I d cum. He 
 told the chaps by the table who I was, and they got up tu, and 
 was in a mighty takin about my bein there. I sot down on a 
 chair, and histed one leg top of t other, and begun tu teeter my 
 right foot sort of independent, and looked about for Miss Sneers. 
 She wasn t there jest then, and I begun to feel rather awkward. 
 But the man that I d seen with her at the theatre, he sot down 
 close by me, and begin to talk as chipper as if he d known me a 
 hundred years. I hadn t had a good chance tu look at the fel 
 ler before in arnest, but now as he sot agin me, I gin him con 
 siderable observation. He was a tall, harnsome chap, with hair 
 
BV JONATHAN SLICK. 28? 
 
 as thick and black as midnight. His eyes were black tu, and aa 
 eharb as darningneedles, but you never could ketcli them a look- 
 in at you more n a minute at a time they al ers shied when a 
 feller looKed right straight into them. His voice was as soft as 
 a mealv potater, and he kinder slid up to you across the room 
 like a gray cat, and seemed tu be jest about as innocent. He be 
 gun tu talk about farming, and the price of produce in York, jest 
 as cozey as git out, and seemed tu be right tu hum on any sub 
 ject that cum up. The other chaps they jined in and laid on a 
 considerable soft sodder about my letters in the Express but 
 they did it slick, I can tell you, smoothed it down nice and ily, 
 till you couldn t jest tell exactly whether it was soft sodder or 
 not. 
 
 Arter a few minutes, Miss Sneers she cum in I felt my heart 
 jump intu my mouth, and the blood bile up over my face, like 
 hot flip when the iron is put in. It seemed tu me, as if she never 
 did look so harnsome afore her frock was all blue shiny velvet, 
 as bright as a damson plum that ere round neck so pesky white, 
 hadn t no kiverin on, but a leetle finefied gold chain, and another 
 guld chain was tangled up with the great swad of hair that was 
 twistified up on the nap of her neck. She kinder slid intu the 
 room sort of easy, jest like a tront sailin along the bottom of a 
 brook her cheeks looked as fresh as a full blown rosy, and her 
 mouth, the darned provokin thing, looked jest like a bunch of 
 ripe strawberries, ready tu drop from the stems. 
 
 She kinder bowed tu the chaps that sot by the table, and then 
 cum right up tu where I stood with both her hands out tu once, 
 as if she was tickled all over tu see me agin. 
 
 Both them little white hands wasn t more than one handful for 
 me, and I wasn t in no very great hurry tu let go, when I once 
 got a good grip at em she didn t seem tu mind my havin ein, 
 but sot down right between me and her brother, and there she 
 sot a smilin right intu my eyes and a askin so arnest arter my 
 helth that I couldn t but jest speak, my heart riz so. The critter 
 really seemed tu have took a notion tu you, and marm. She 
 was dreadful arnest tu know if I d hearn from you, and how you 
 stood the cold weather, and then consarn me ! if she didn t ask 
 how Captin Doolittle did, jest as if the old coot had a ben her 
 
288 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 own Par. By-am-by she bent over, and kinder whispered ta 
 me, and sez she 
 
 " I must go and speak tu the gentlemen there you make me 
 forget everything but yourself." 
 
 With that she gin my fingers a leetle grip and went up tu the 
 table. 
 
 " You seem dull," sez she, " supposin you take a game at cards 
 till supper is ready." 
 
 " If Mr. Slick hain t no objection" sez her brother, a lookin at 
 me kinder anxious. " His father s a deacon you know." 
 
 They all turned on their chairs, and looked at me. as if a man 
 that didn t like cards must a have been brought up in the woods. 
 It made me feel kinder streaked so sez I, " oh never seem tu 
 mind me, I aint a skeerer 1 at a pack of cards, if my Par is." 
 
 " Du you ever play," so. Miss Sneers, a smilin on me like a 
 June sun. 
 
 " Wai," sez I, speakin up crank, " I haint done much at it, 
 since I was a little shaver, and used tu play high-low-jack and 
 the game, with one of our workmen in Par s barn tu hum, but I 
 was a considerable of a sneezer at it in them days, I recon." 
 
 Miss Sneers s brother, sez he, " Wai then, supposin you take a 
 hand here." 
 
 I felt kinder bad at the idea of touching cards arter promisin 
 you not tu, Par, when you ketched me at it and gin me that all- 
 fired lickin in the barn but Miss Sneers stood right afore me, 
 shuffling a bran new pack o cards in them little white hands and 
 a lookin at me so cunnin that I couldn t stand it yet I felt sort 
 o loth and held back. 
 
 "I m afeared I ve eenajest forgot how," sez I; a loungiu 
 back. 
 
 " Oh never mind," sez owe of the chaps in a red and green 
 rest, and with checkered trousers on, " Miss Sneers will show 
 you how." 
 
 " Certainly," says the harnsome critter a smilin right in my 
 face again ; " Shall I be your teacher, Mr. Slick ?" 
 
 "Jest so," sez I "I d jump down my own throat, if you on y 
 told me tu." 
 
 Whh that I sot down by the table crossed one leg a top of 
 
Bi r JONATHAN SLICK. 289 
 
 t>other and wiped my nose. Miss Sneers, she leaned h<** arm on 
 ray chair and the rest sot down. 
 
 TVal, what shall we play ?" sez the chap in checkered t^oasors. 
 
 U 0h, high-low-jack and the game Mr. Slick understands 
 that" sez the rest, sort a larfin. I begun to rile a trifle " I 
 puess Mr. Slick knows a thing or two besides that," sez I ; " he 
 wasn t born in the woods tu be skared at owls !" sez I. 
 
 They all choked in at that one feller shuffled the cards, I cut, 
 and the checkered trousers took the deal. I got an alltired good 
 hand the first dive ace, jack and the two spot of trumps, besides 
 a ten. Miss Sneers she bent over until I could feel her breath 
 agiii my cheek, as warm and sweat as the steam from an apple- 
 sarse cag when the sarse is sot off to cool. I swow, it made me 
 feel so kinder unsettled, that the cards danced afore iny eyes. 
 like picters run crazy. We begun to play. Miss Sneers kept a 
 pokin that pesky little finger of hern amongst my cards every 
 minute, puttin out them that I ought to play, one by one and 
 afore I knew it myself, I d beat the hull biling on em three 
 pames without stoppin. Miss Sneers she seemed to be eenamost 
 tickled to death to think I d done em up so slick, and the men 
 they looked streaked enough. I tell you that one in the 
 checkered trousers above all. Jest as we was cuttin in for a new 
 deal, the doors right afore me slid back in:er the wall, and there 
 was another room spread out afore us like a picter. It was as 
 light as day from one eend of the room tu t other and it was 
 enough to dazzle one s eyes to see the shiney silk tumblin down 
 from the golden poles over the winders the great whoppin 
 lookin glasses a blazin all over that eend of the room the carpet 
 kivered over and trod down with posies the picters agin the 
 walls and leetle marble babies a standing round, with the candle 
 light a pourin down over em. Oh, Gosh! it was enough to 
 T.ake a feller loose his breath, and never ketch it agin. There, 
 right in the midst of the room, was a table a shinin and a glis- 
 tenin, like a heap of ice-chunks and new half dollars piled up 
 together in the hot. sun. The plates and the knives and forks 
 spoons and all, was solid silver everything else was silver bnt 
 the glasses, and they were all pinted and pictered off, ard cut 
 19 
 
2HO HIGH LIFE IN NiLW YORK. 
 
 down in lines, till there was nothing but flash, flash, flash wnor* 
 evfr the light fell, and that was strong enough ; for right over 
 head was another of them great gold spangles branching out 
 every which way, and runnin over with fire. 
 
 Miss Sneers she put her hand on my arm, jest so as tu let the 
 tip eend of her leetle finger lie agin my wrist. I snore it made 
 the blood tingle up my arm. We went intu the room with the 
 rest a follerin arter, Indian file. A great strappin nigger stood 
 at each side of the door-place, when we went, with white gloves 
 on, and towels in their hands they bowed a most tu the carpet 
 as we went by, and when we sot down, then they stood right up 
 on eend behind our chairs, like militia trainers jist tryin tu drill. 
 They lifted up the kivers from a lot of dishes, and up riz the 
 steam among the glasses and silver, till it seemed as if they hung 
 in a cloud. Oh gracious, I can t begin to tell you all that them 
 dishes had in em. There was leetle teinty tonty birds cooked 
 bull, claws and all partridges with their stomachs stuffed till 
 they looked as pussey as cousin Jasin squirrels a lyin there like 
 human babies jest baked over a trifle, and all sorts of wild var 
 mints that a feller ever thought of killin. 
 
 The niggers they dodged about, fillin plates and a handin em 
 round like lightnin. They gin Miss Sneers and I each on us H 
 leetle bird darn me if I know what it was, without it was a 
 woodpecker stewed hull. It raly seemed tu be a shame tu sticK 
 a fork intu the teinty varmint. I kinder diddled my knife and . 
 fork about, till Miss Sneers got purty intimate with her bird, for 
 I wanted tu see if it was the fashion tu swaller $rn down in ard 5 
 and all. She d used her little chap purty well up, when I sot 
 my jaws .a workin in arnest. The bird went down mv thfv^ 
 the quickest. It was awful sweet tastin; and the leg bones 
 scratched a trifle as they went down, but nothin tu speak on. 
 
 Wai, we laid into the squirrels and other wild critters rather 
 hard, till I begun tu feel a dry. There was a leetle bottle 01! 
 water stood agin each plate. I poured some out of mine, am 
 was a goin tu drink, but Miss Sneers, she laid her hand on the 
 glass, and sez she 
 
 u Mr. Slick, let me help you tu wine ?" 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 991 
 
 " Not as you know on," sez I, a bowin, and a takin the tumbhi 
 from under her hand "I m a teetotaler, marm, tu the baa* 
 bone!" 
 
 " Oh, I d forgot," sez she, a lookin at her brother. He took 
 up a bottle with leetle chunks of sheet lead a stickin tu the neck, 
 and sez he 
 
 44 You will not refuse a glass of this cider, Mr. Slick therc*L> 
 no alcohol in this, I can tell you." 
 
 I was jest a goin tu say no, but Miss Sneers, she held out her 
 glass, and all the time that ciJer was a gurglin out of the bottle 
 and a sendin up sparkles in her glass, she kept them smilin eyes 
 a pourin their brightness right intu mine. When the glass was 
 full, she touched it tu her mouth, and gin a leetle sip, jest enough 
 tu make them pesky lips look a trifle dainp, and redder than 
 ever, and sez she, a reachin the glass towards me 
 
 44 You must drink this, Mr. Slick." 
 
 I felt the blood bile intur my face agin. I kinder part reached 
 out my hand then I pulled it back, and sez I 
 
 44 I ve signed the pledge." 
 
 44 Not agin this harmless cider," sez they altogether. 
 
 4t Not when a lady kisses the glass," says Miss Sneers a holdin 
 out the tumbler yit, and a lookin kinder anxious, as if she d cry 
 right out if I didn t give up. 
 
 u Take it for ity sake," sez she, a bendin close tu me, and a 
 holdin the glass right up tu my lips. They were all a lookin at 
 me, and kinder k.*in, as if they thought I darsent take it. 
 
 44 You see Mr. Slick will not give up the point, even tu you 
 Miss Sneers," sez .Le man with checkered trousers. c4 Allow in<> 
 to drain the glass your sweet lips have kissed." 
 
 44 You be darner. ." sez /, a takin the cider and drinkin it down 
 a most at three swallers. 
 
 44 Bravo!" they all sung out tu once. 44 Here s to the ladies! 1 
 Miss Sneers, she he*d out my glass agin. Her brother lifted the 
 bottle, and this time the cider splashed over that leetle whito 
 hand, and come drippin over the table all the way tu my mouth. 
 I felt streaked about makin any more touse about a leetle cider, 
 and poured the glas down without, squinchin. By the time 1 
 found the bottom of that glass, I didn t feel askeared ef the nex; 
 
292 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YOR*. 
 
 one the leastest might in the world. But, somehow, the more I 
 crunk, the plr.tes seemed to grow brighter and more unsteady. 
 The birds that lay yet in one of the silver dishes seemed to grow 
 smaller, but more on em, like young robins in a nest, when they 
 jest begin tu feather out. The wine decanters blazed out redder 
 and redder, and the cider-bottles popped and foamed like ginger- 
 beer in the summer time. The folks, tu, sot orful oneasy, and 
 somehow, the feller that sot agin me looked jest as if he d found 
 a twin with checkered trousers, and a red-and-green vest, as 
 much like his n as two peas in a pod. 
 
 I kinder seemed tu remember that Miss Sneers kept a kissin 
 the glassy for me, till by-am-by I sot out to do it myself, and 
 Kissed her instead. With that, she went intu tother room. We 
 followed arter, and the two niggers arter us with the cider and 
 wine decanters in their hands. 
 
 " Now," sez Miss Sneers brother sez he, " less have another 
 game ; I ll bet Mr. Slick wont beat three times runnin agin." 
 
 " I ll bet he will," sez Miss Sneers, a pintin tu a seat by the 
 table, and a lookin good enough tu eat. 
 
 I sot down, and the chap in checkered trousers he begun to 
 shuffle away, like a house a fire. 
 
 Miss Sneers she bent over me agin, and her brother he sot 
 down and cut cards. I beat agin, right straight ahead ; the hull 
 Bwad on em begun to grow kinder wamblecropped at that, and 
 Miss Sneers she larfed so good-natured, and bent forward so 
 much that her cheek a most lay agin mine all the next game. 
 
 By gauly, I beat agin ; and by that time, they all begun tu look 
 a trifle rily. The checkered trousers he took the cards and gin 
 em a snap along the eends that might a ben heard in the street. 
 With that, he slapped em down on the table, and sez he, a nod- 
 den his head at me, sez he, " I ll bet fifty dollars you don t beat 
 this time." With that, he larfed till the hair on his upper lip 
 curled up and showed his teeth, like a dog when he snarls. 
 
 " Nonsense," sez Miss Sneers, " we can beat twenty such fel- 
 ers you and I, Mr. Slick, can t we?" 
 
 " I ruther thinks so," sez I. 
 
 "I ll bet fifty dollars," sez checkered trousers, "that we beat 
 you all hollow." 
 
DY JONATHAN SLICK, 293 
 
 I ll let you don t," sez I, a rilin up. 
 
 "Plarrk the money. "sez he, a slappin the cares agin, "plank 
 Iho chink." 
 
 I took your old wallet from the leetle pocket in my under 
 vest, and unrolled the bills that I d put there arter sellin out the 
 sloop load" I spose you think I haint got it," sez I, a shakin 
 the harnful of bills that was left. "Hurra for old Connecticut!" 
 The other chaps they shell d out, and a hull heap of bills lay on 
 the table. Miss Sneer? she went away a minute, and then bent 
 over me agin, with another glass of that white cider in her hand 
 she held the glass to my lips, and wouldn^ take it away till 
 I d drunk the hull. 
 
 That was prime cider, and I was a beginnin to fee* dry agin, 
 BO I drunk another glass; and at it we went, shovel and tongs. 
 As true as you live, they raly did beat that game ; and wher 
 they saw how wrothy I was, they offered tu bet a hundred dol 
 lars on my luck the next time. I don t know who beat artei 
 that ; for somehow I seemed tu be sort o dreamin ; the candles 
 seemed tu be a darncin round us, and it seemed as if the cards 
 were leetle teenty folks, all alive and a grinnin at us as we han 
 dled em. I took out the old wallet every few minutes I du 
 seem to remember that and arter it was empty, Miss Sneer s 
 brother, sez he, " Never mind, my boy, we ll take your auto 
 graph." 
 
 " I don t keep any such new-fangled varmints," sez I. 
 
 " Oh, on y jest write your name here," sez he, a handin over 
 a strip of paper. 
 
 " Jest so," sez I, a takin the pen he held out ; u jest so, but 
 good gauly, du hold the paper still. I can t ketch up with it if 
 it moves about the table this way.* 
 
 "It s your hand," sez he. 
 
 " My hand " sez I" you git out !" 
 
 I gin a dive at the paper and held it kinder still, while I did 
 up a long tailed J. I had tu begin agin at the S, but arter a dive 
 or tu, I curlecued it up about right, and then we went tu playm 
 cards agin. They seemed tu take a great shine tu my name that 
 night, and kept a askin me for it every few minutes, till I went 
 away. I don t jest know when Miss Sneers went away, or exact- 
 
294 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 jy Low I got away myself; but the next morning I woke np In 
 my bunk with the darndest head ache that I ever dreamed on 
 Captin Doolittle he sot in the cabin a lookin at me, and a cryin 
 like a great baby. 
 
 " What s the matter, Captin ?" sez I, a turnin over. 
 
 u Jonathan," sez he, " a risin from the locker, and diggin both 
 hands in his old trousers pocket, " Jonathan, its time for us tu 
 haul up stakes and go hum." 
 
 The tears run down the old chap s face, as he said this, and he 
 turned his face away that I shouldn t see them. 
 
 I tried tu think of what had turned up tu make the captin 
 take on so. My head beat like a drum I partly remembered 
 the cider, the cards and Miss Sneers. I looked at Captin Doo 
 little ; he had the poor old empty wallet in his hands, and I could 
 see the tears drop into it. 
 
 I lay down agin, kivered my face with the piller, and burst 
 out a cryin. 
 
 I guess I lay still a cryin like a baby as much as ten minutes 
 and there sot Captin Doolittle a holdin the empty wallet all the 
 time. At last I sot up an eend and looked at the captin as wel] 
 as I dare, and sez I, 
 
 Captin what shall I du ?" 
 
 The Captin he looked up, and sez he, 
 
 " Jonathan you d better fust tell me jest what you have done 
 a ready." I sot to as well as I could and told him the hull story 
 about Miss Sneers, the theatre, playing cards, the bird supper, 
 and the cider. When I d got through he shook his head sort of 
 mournful, and sez he 
 
 "Jonathan, this is a bad business; you ve made a sliote ol 
 yourself and gambled all your father s money away ; it s eena- 
 most as bad as stealen." 
 
 " Oh don t say that are," sez I, a kiverin my face with both 
 hands. " I feel bad enough without bein twitted of what I ve 
 done, gracious knows?" 
 
 " Wai, I know it aint generous tu strike a feller when he s 
 down," sez the captin, "but what is to be done ? That s tho 
 question." 
 
 " Wai, sez the Captin, " snpposin you p-it on your things ant" 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 295 
 
 we il go up ta that consarned gamblin hole and seo if any thing 
 can be done to git the money back. I hain t no doubt b<.t that 
 Miss Sneers will be tickled tu death tu see you agin." 
 
 I got up and dressed myself as well as I could for my head 
 ached as if it would crack open. The Captin he was as good :yj 
 any thing ; he poured a hull pitcher full of cold water over my 
 hair, and arter making me drink a strong cup of tea, I felt kin 
 der better about the head, but oh Lord a massy, ho*# my heart 
 ached ! 
 
 I felt so down in the mouth tha*. I couldn t talk, so wo bo f li 
 started off towards that consarned house agin. 
 
 44 Now Jonathan," sez the Captin, as we got agin the \top?. 
 41 it goes agin the grain tu say so, but you jest make believe thai 
 I am a police officer, and keep a stiff upper lip, ring the bell and 
 walk right in; I ll come arter and we ll du their bisness for eiu 
 in less than no time." 
 
 I rung the bell. 
 
 44 Is Miss Sneers tu hum ?" sez I. 
 
 "No," sez he, as quick as 44 she went into the con* 
 
 try this morning." 
 
 I was a going tu say that I d seen her, when Captin Doolittle 
 pushed right by and giving the nigger a shove on one side, sez lie, 
 
 14 Walk in, Jonathan, walk in and make yourself tu hum," 
 Witb that he dove into the hall and I arter him he opened the 
 side door into the room we were in the night before, and gin ;j 
 peak round. 
 
 u Nobody there, 1 sez he, 44 go up stairs, I ll settle the nigger \i 
 he gets ob-vropulous, and then follow arter." 
 
 I went right up stnirs, and was jest a knocking at the doc-r of 
 Miss Sneers room, when I see that it was open a tritie; am: s$ 
 I gin a peak through, there was the chap that she called hei 
 brother shying out through the eend door I je-^t gin a knock 
 that sent the door a flyin open, and went in. Miss Sneers way 
 settin on that .-ilken bench, dressed out in a ruffled white frock, 
 and with her hair twisted back in a hurry, and kinder tousled 
 jp with a gold ch&ia in it, as if she hadn t touched it since the 
 night *fore. She jumped half up v/her. she see me, and then 
 
JOG HIGH I T FE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 settled down agin with her Yips shet tight together, and a lookin 
 hard in roy eyes as if uncertain who it was. 
 
 I walked right up to her and held out my h.*md, u How do you 
 du this morning, Miss Sneers," sez I. 
 
 She kinder leaned back, and lookin right straight in my eyes, 
 sez she, 
 
 " You must have mistook the room, sir, I do not usually re 
 ceive company here." 
 
 I swow, it seemed as if the critter had swallered a chunk of 
 ice, she spoke so stiff and cold. I looked around the room a 
 minit, and then I turned tu her agin, and sez I, 
 
 " Look a here marm, you don t seem tn be over tickled tu see 
 me this morning, so I ll make myself scarce the minit you ]l give 
 me a chance tu see that brother of yourn." 
 
 " Yon are laborin under another mistake," sez she, as frosty as 
 ever. u My brother is not in the house." 
 
 "Perl iaps you ll tell me by-am-by that I mustn t believe my 
 own eyes," sez I a getting wrothy. " Jest ask that mean shot* 
 to come out of the other room there I saw him sneak off witr 
 my own eyes not three minutes ago." 
 
 She turned a trifle red when I talked up to her so, and arter 
 cV-okin a second, sez she, as cool as a cowcumber, sez she, 
 
 t; ilot my brother, you did not see my brother, he is .^y hus 
 band, sir." 
 
 I felt the blood b Je in my veins #nd my face seemed afire. 
 1 Your husband marm ? J sez I, a getting ut> a laugh that eended 
 off in a savage grin, " and so you re, you re," 
 
 "His wife sir," sez she, with a cold tarntalisin smile, "and 
 now, as I am particularly en^agoJ, perhaps you will leave the 
 house." 
 
 u Not jest yet," sez Captin iJoolittle, a bolting intu the room. 
 44 We ve got some business with that husband of your n, marm." 
 
 "And who are you sir?" sez the woman a turnin white as 
 cnrd and sittin clown half scared tu death. 
 
 " I don t knuw as that is any consarn of your n," sez he, A 
 Hauling a piece of paper folded up square from his pocket. " J 
 WJI-.H that swiiidlin scamp tha* you call husband, and its mj 
 
BY JONATHAN SLICK. 297 
 
 pinion that he and I get better acquainted afore I leave these 
 ere premises." 
 
 I never see a poor critter wilt down as she did, her face waa 
 as white as snow, so was her mouth, and I could see it begin tu 
 tremble all she could du to help it. 
 
 " Surely, surely, you havii t brought a police officer here ?" sea 
 she, a lookin at me, and them soft eyes of her n were a swimmin 
 in tears. I begun to relent. 
 
 " Jonathan, don t make a coot of yourself," sez the Captin, a 
 givin me a sly poke in the ribs ; then he went right up tu her, 
 and sez he, 
 
 "I don t wonder you re surprised marm, it aint often that you 
 get a decent chap like me in this nest of varmints, but when one 
 on us du come we generally make purty clean work of it, I can 
 tell you that! Perhaps your husband wont 1)6 the only one that 
 will get hauled over the coals. I ve seen purtyer women than 
 you are afore the police magistrates afore now." 
 
 The critter began tu tremble and looked at me as pitiful as a 
 rabbit in a trap. 
 
 " It ain t of no use," sez Captin Doolittle a pushin me back, 
 14 salt won t save you if that scamp o your n don t shell out. 
 Mr. Slick here haint nothin to du with the bisness now that he a 
 gin it up tu the law. You haint got sich a mealy hearted chap 
 as him to deal with, I can tell you." 
 
 u But what du you want?" sez she, a shakin as if she was u 
 cold. 
 
 44 1 want the money you swindled out of this young feller la 
 night," sez he. u The money and the notes you made him give 
 and by the living hokey if it aint handed over in less than ter 
 minutes, I ll have every darned varmint in the house inarched 
 off tu the tombs." 
 
 The poor critter grew wuss and wuss ; after a minute she 
 turned to me and sez she, a sobbin like all natur, 
 
 "So you ve indicted the house, have you?" 
 
 I (ida t just know what she meant, and the Captin seemed ai 
 bad off. but he gin me a poke to keep still, and sez he, " You ll 
 find out I reckon, but as that are husband of yourn seems loth tu 
 come out I ll jest giv* him a little invke." With that he went 
 
298 HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. 
 
 into t other room and arter a little noise of scuffling cum out 
 agin a leadin the woman s brother or hushand hy the ear. He 
 had taken an orful hard grip, and the critter s soue looked as 
 red as if it had just been scalded. 
 
 "Are you a goin to shell out or not?" sez the Captin. Tha 
 feller gin a pull, and the Oaptin follered suit, which stretched 
 his ear rather more than he seemed to reli^i. 
 
 " Come, we re in something of a hurry," sez the Captin, 
 " we d jist as leave have you as the money." 
 
 The feller gin his head a jerk, but the Captin s fingers made a 
 fust rate vice, and the old feller put on the screws tight enough. 
 
 " Jake, Jake !" the feller yelled out. 
 
 u If your nigger s name is Jake I m afeared he won t hear," 
 sez the Oaptin a puttin a chaw of tobaccer intur his mouth with 
 one hand, while he gin the ear an extra pinch with the other. 
 "I locked him up in a pantry downstairs, plenty of wine bottles 
 there, lie s comfortable enough, don t disturb the poor nigger now, 
 don t." 
 
 The feller gin the Captin s side a dig with his fist ; with that 
 the Captin jest gin him a jerk towards the door, and sez he, a 
 turning tu me as cool as get out, sez he, " call the rest on em up 
 Mr. Slick, I can du this feller s business ; but the lady there may 
 want, two oeaus agin call ernup." 
 
 T .eally felt sorry for the poor woman, she jumped up and 
 flung her arms around the chap, and sez she, 
 
 Du give it up, du, I cannot bear this, they will do it, you see 
 they wiil." 
 
 " Tell him to let go my ear," sez the feller a turning his tarnnl 
 white face tu mine, "and I ll give you the money, provided you 
 don t molest us agin. 
 
 " Jest so," sez the Captin, undoing his grip, " shell out, shell 
 out." 
 
 The feller put his hand in his pocket and hauled out a swad of 
 bills and five slips of paper with my name on em, all rumpled uj 
 together. 
 
 " Jest see tu him," sez the Captin, a nodden his head towards 
 the chap, " while I see if it s all right." So he sot down on the 
 b<lk settee close by that poor woman, am 1 listing one leg over 
 
BT JONATHAN SI.U K. 2OO 
 
 tother, ?.pit on his fingors and r< unti-d over (lie money. It was 
 all fa. ; r, so he rolled it up in a swud, put it intu the old wallet and 
 handed it over to me. 
 
 " There," sez he, " Mr. Slick, I spose we may as well be a 
 jopgin." 
 
 With that he told the chap that he d find the key in the closet 
 door and the nigger safe, and we went down. 
 
 There Jonathan," sez the Captin, "I rather guess we ve 
 done it! But wluit makes you look so womblecroped ?" 
 
 " I don t know." sez I, a bmshin my hands across my eyes, 
 "but it seems tu me that I ve lost something more than all that 
 money s worth." 
 
 u And what is that ?" sez he. 
 
 " It s the fust time on earth that I could believe that women 
 could rnly be so deceitful and bad. I feel as though I never 
 should think so weH of them agin as if a part of my own heart 
 had dried up all tu once. Captin, Captm, I d rather work night 
 and day for the money than feel so lonesome about the heart a? 
 I do now; I d as lives stay in a world without sun, as to have no 
 sartinty in the truth of women t oiks." 
 
 I remain your humble, but loving son, 
 
 JONATHAN SLICE. 
 
 THE END. 
 
T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS PUBLICATIONS, 
 
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 Fair Play, 1 75 
 
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 Wife s Victory, 1 75 
 
 Allworth Abbey 1 75 
 
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 Retribution, 1 75 
 
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 Michael Rudolph, 1 75 
 
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 TlieFor-ed Will I 75 
 
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 Flirtations in Fashionable Life. By Catharine Sinclair, 
 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 7 a 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 
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T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS PUBLICATIONS. 5 
 
 WORKS BY THE VERY BEST AUTHORS. 
 
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6 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS PUBLICATIONS. 
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T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS PUBLICATION. 7 
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 The following are cloth editions <>f the following good book*, and they art 
 
 each issued in one lartje volume, bound in cloth, price $1.75 each. 
 Tho Three Guardsmen ; or. The Three Mousquetaires. By A. Dumas,$l 75 
 Twenty Years After; or tho "Second Series of Three Guardsmen,"... 
 R;-aj;elonno; S<m of Athos, ; or " Third Africa of Three Guardsmen," 
 Tin Iron Mask ; or the " Fourth Series of The Three Guardsmen,".... 
 Louise La Valliere; or tho "Fifth Series and End of the Three 
 
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 The Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexander Dumas. Illustrated.... 
 Queen s Necklace; or " Second Series of Memoirs of a Physician," 
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 Countess of Charny; or "Fourth Series of Memoirs of a .Physician," 
 Andree De Taverr.ey ; or " Fifth Series of Memoirs of a Pkfricitm," 
 The Chevalier; or the " Sixth Series and End of the Memoirs of a 
 
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 The Adventures of a Marquis. By Alexander Dumas 
 
 K hmmd Dantes. A Sequel to tho " Count of Monte-Cristo," 
 
 The Forty-Five Guardsmen. By Alexander Duuins. Illustrated,... 
 Diana of Meridor, or Lady of Monsoreau. By Alexander Dumas,... 
 The Iron Hand. By Alex. Dumas, author "Count of Monte-Cristo," 
 The Mysteries of the Court of London. By George W. M. Reynolds, 
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 Rosa Lambert; or Memoirs of an Unfortunate Woman. By Reynolds, 
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 Banker s Daughter. Sequel to "Joseph Wilinot." By Reynold*, 
 
 Kenneth. A Romance of tho Highlands. By G. W. M. Reynolds, 
 
 Rye-House Plot; or the Conspirator s Daughter. By Reynolds, 
 
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 Within the Maze. By Mrs. Henry Wood, nuthor of Ea?t Lynne,". 
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 The Chnnnings. By Mrs. Henry Wood, author of " Dene Hollow,"... 
 
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 Lord Oakburn s Daughters; or The Earl s Heirs. By Mrs. Wood,... 
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 Squire Tr.-vlyn s Heir; or Tre vlvn Hold. By Mrs. Henry Wco.l 
 
 The lied Court F^rm. By Mr-. W..ml, nuthor of " Vrrnc r s IV.. N 
 Lister s Fully. By Mrs. Henry Wood, author of Castle s Heir,"... 
 St. Martin s Eve. By Mrs. Henry Wood, author of Dene Hollow," 
 
 Mildred Arkell. By Mrs. Henry Wood, author of "Eas-t Lynne," 
 
 Cyrilla; or the Mysterious Engagement. By author of " Initials," 1 75 
 
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CHARLES DICKENS WORKS. 
 
 SEDUCTION IN THEIB PKICES. -8L 
 
 PEOPLE S DUODECIMO EDITION. ILLUSTRATED. 
 
 Reduced in price from $2.50 to $1.50 a volume. 
 
 Thi* edition is printed on fine paper, from large, clear type, leaded, that 
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 Our Mutual Friend, Cloth, $1.50 
 
 Pk-k-.vick Papers, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 IsV-holas Nickleby, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Gr.eat Expectations, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 D.ivi 1 Copperfield, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Oliver Twist, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Bleak House, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 A Tala of Two Cities,. ..Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Little Dorrit, Cloth, $1.50 
 
 Dombey and Soft, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Christmas Stories, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Sketches by " Boz," Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Barnaby Rudge, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Martin Chuzzlewit, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Old Curiosity Shop, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Dickens New Stories,. .Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Mystery of Edwin Brood; and Master Humphrey s Clock, Cloth,. 1.50 
 
 American Notes; and the Uncommercial Traveller, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Hunted Down; and other Reprinted Pieces, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 The Holly-Tree Inn; and other Stories, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 Tha Life nnd Writings of Charles Dickens, Cloth, 2.00 
 
 Prico of a set, in Black cloth, in twenty-one volumes, $02.00 
 
 " Full sheep, Library style, 42.50 
 
 " " Half calf, sprinkled edges, 53.00 
 
 " " Half calf, marbled edges, 58.00 
 
 " " Half calf, antique, or half calf, full gilt backs, etc. 63.00 
 
 GREEN MOROCCO CLOTH, DUODECIMO EDITION. 
 
 Tin s > s the People s Duodecimo Edition" in a new style of Binding, in 
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 Medallion Portrait on sides in gilt, in Twenty-one handy volumes, 12wo., 
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 Price $40 a set, and each net put up in ci neat and strong box. This is 
 the handsomest and best edition ever published for the price. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED DUODECIMO EDITION. 
 
 Reduced in price from $2.00 to $1.50 a volume. 
 
 This edition is printed on the finest paper, from large, clear type, leaded, 
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 tinted paper, from designs by Cruikshank, Phiz, Browne, Maclise, 
 McLenan, nnd other artists. This is the only edition published that con-" 
 tains all the original illustrations, as selected by Mr. Charles Dickens. 
 T/ie following are each contained in tico volumes. 
 
 Our Mutual Friend, Cloth, $3.00 
 
 Pickwick Papers, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Tale of Two Cities, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Nicholas Nickleby, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 David Copperfield, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Oliver Twist, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Bleak House, Cloth, $300 
 
 Sketches by "Boz," Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Barnaby Rudge, Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Martin Chuzziewit Cloth, 3.00 
 
 O :l Curiosity Shop, Cloth, 3.0f> 
 
 Little Dorrit Cloth, 3.00 
 
 Christmas Stories, Cloth, 3.00 1 Dombey and Son Cloth, 3J-0 
 
 The following are each complete in one volume. 
 
 Great Expectations $1.50 | Dickens New Stories,. ..Cloth, $1.50 
 
 Mystery of Edwin Dro->d; and Master Humphrey s Clock,. ...Cloth, 1.5!) 
 
 A nerican Notes; and the Uncommercial Traveller Cloth, 1.50 
 
 limited Down : and other Reprinted Pieces, Cloth, 1.50 
 
 The IIolly-Treo Inn; and other Stories Cloth, l.oO 
 
 Th? Life and Writings of Charles Dickens, Cloth, 2.09 
 
 Price of a set, in thirty-five volumes, bound in cloth, $50.00 
 
 " " Full sheep, Library style 68.00 
 
 " " Zfolf cul RUttyae, or half calf, full gilt back?, f to. 100.00 
 
 (10) 
 
CHARLES DICKENS WORKS. 
 
 **- GREAT REDUCTION IN THEIR PRICES. - 
 
 ILLUSTRATED OCTAVO EDITION. 
 
 Reduced in price front $2.50 to $1.75 o volume. 
 Thif edition is printed from 
 /"//, oeiinj complet 
 I llnntmtiona, by (Jn 
 
 . . . 
 
 nted from Inryc type, double column, octavo pagt, each 
 te in one volume, the whole containing near Six Hundred 
 ruikshunk, J } hiz, liroicne, Macliee, and other artivtv. 
 
 Our Mutual Friend, Cloth, $1.75 
 
 Pii-kwiek Papers, Cloth, .75 
 
 Nicholas Niekleby, Cloth, .75 
 
 Great Expectations, Cloth, .75 
 
 Lamplighter s Story,. ...Cloth, .75 
 
 Oliver Twist, Cloth, .75 
 
 Bleak House, Cloth, .75 
 
 Little Dorrit, Cloth, .75 
 
 Doinbey and Son, Cloth, .75 
 
 Sketches by " Boz," Cloth, .75 
 
 David Copperfield, Cloth, $1.75 
 
 Barnaby Rudge, Cloth, .75 
 
 Martin Chuzzlewit, Cloth, .75 
 
 Old Curiosity Shop, Cloth, .75 
 
 Christmas Stories, Cloth, .75 
 
 Dickens New Stories,... Cloth, .75 
 
 A Tale of Two Cities,. ..Cloth, .75 
 American Notes and 
 
 Pic-Nic Papers, Cloth, 1.75 
 
 Price of a set, in Black cloth, in eighteen volumes, ...................... $31.50 
 
 " " Full sheep, Library style, ................................. 40. CO 
 
 " " Half calf, sprinkled edges, ................................ 48.00 
 
 " " Half calf, marbled edges ................................... 54.00 
 
 " " Half calf, antique, or Half call , lull gilt backs,... 60.00 
 
 "NEW NATIONAL EDITION" OF DICKENS WORKS. 
 
 This is the cheapest bound edition of the works of Charles Dickens, pub 
 lished, all his writings being contained in eci-tm lanje octavo volumes, 
 with a portrait of Charles Dickens, and other illustrations. 
 
 Price of a set, in Black cloth, in seven volume?, ........................ $20.00 
 
 " " Full sheep, Library style, ............................... 25.00 
 
 " Half calf, antique, or Half calf, full gilt backs,... 30.00 
 
 CHEAP PAPER COVER EDITION. 
 
 Each book being comjtlete in one l/irf/c octrtrn volume. 
 Pickwick Papers, ................... 35 j Our Mutual Friend, ............... 35 
 
 Nicholas Nickleby, ................. S5 1 Bleak House, ......................... 35 
 
 Domhey and Son, .................. 35 
 
 D.ivid C opperfield ................... 25 
 
 Martin Chuzzlewit, ................. 35 
 
 Old Curiosity Shop, ................ 25 
 
 " 
 
 Little Dorrit .......................... 35 
 
 Christmas Stories, .................. 25 
 
 The Haunted House ................ 25 
 
 Uncommercial Traveller, ......... 25 
 
 Oliver Twist, ........................ 25 A House to Let, ..................... 25 
 
 American Notes ..................... "5 I , rils of EnglMi PriMui.-r- ...... 25 
 
 <iroat Expectations ................. 25! \Vierk of ihe Cohh-n M;,r- ....... 25 
 
 H ird Times .......................... 25 : T-nn Ti - -l.-r s (i rcund.... ." ....... 
 
 AT-ilo of Two Cifii.s .............. 1 5 J-.scj.h Crin.nldi ................... 
 
 Somebody s Luc-n^o, ............. 25 The Tii -Ni- r.i[:;T.^, ................ i 
 
 Message frm the Sea, ............ 25 Hunted Down, ...................... 25 
 
 Barnahy Rutlge ...................... 25 The Holly-Tree Inn, ............... 25 
 
 FUetuhes hy " Boz." ............... 25 , No Thoroughfare ................... 25 
 
 Mv.-tcry of Edwin Drood. Charles Dickeni last work, ................... 25 
 
 Mr.. Lirripor s Lodging nnd Mrs. Lirriper s Legacy, ..................... 25 
 
 Mu^jby Junction and Dr. Marigold s Prescriptions, ........................ 25 
 
 THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF CHARLES DICKENS. 
 T7IE LIFE OF CHARLES DICKENS. By Dr. R. S ,elton Mackenzie, 
 containing a full history of his Life, his Uncollected Pieces, in Prose 
 and Verso; Personal Recollections and Anecdotes} His Lnst Will in 
 full; and Letters from Mr. Dickons never bofore pnbli.-h d. With 
 a P .rtntif and Autograph of Chin. - , - r?. Prico Tv<> Po"nr. 
 
12 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS PUBLICATIONS. 
 
 ALEXANDER DUMAS WORKS, 
 
 Edmond Dantes, 
 
 The Three Guardsmen, 
 Twenty Years After,. 
 
 Bragelonne, 75 
 
 The Iron Mask, 1 00 
 
 Louise La Valliere, 1 00 
 
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 Adventures of a Marquis, 1 00 
 
 Love and Liberty, 1 50 
 
 Caunlle; or, The Fate of a Coquette, 
 The above are each in paper cov 
 
 The Fallen Angel, 75 
 
 Felina de Chambure, ., 75 
 
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 Sketches in France, 75 
 
 Isabel of Bavaria, 75 
 
 Twin Lieutenants, 75 
 
 Man with Five Wives, 
 
 75 
 
 Memoirs of a Physician, ! 
 
 51 00 
 
 Queen s Necklace, 
 
 1 00 
 
 Six Years Later, 
 
 1 00 
 
 
 1 00 
 
 Andree de Tavcrney, 
 
 1 00 
 
 The Chevalier, 
 
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 Forty-five Guardsmen, 
 
 1 00 
 
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 (La Dame Aux Camelias,) 
 
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 The Black Tulip, 
 
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 50 
 
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 50 
 
 Mohicans of Paris, 
 
 50 
 
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 50 
 
 Buried Alive, 
 
 25 
 
 Annette ; or, Lady of Pearls,... 
 
 50 
 
 of France, 
 
 50 
 
 George ; or, The Planter of the Isle of France, 
 
 GEORGE W, M. REYNOLDS WORKS, 
 
 Mysteries Court of London,. ...$1 00 
 
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 Eustace Quentin,, 
 
 $1 00 
 
 1 00 
 
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 Kenneth, 1 00 
 
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 The above are each in paper cover, or in cloth, price $1.75 each. 
 
 The Opera Dancer, 
 
 75 
 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 00 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 of t 
 ture 
 
 The Soldier s Wife, 
 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 75 
 50 
 50 
 50 
 50 
 50 
 75 
 50 
 
 Child of Waterloo, 
 Robert Bruce 
 
 May Middleton, 
 Ellen Percy, 
 
 The Gipsy Chief, 
 
 A^nes Evelvr, 
 
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 Isabella Vincent, 
 
 
 Parricide.. 
 
 Discarded Queen, 
 
 
 Life in Paris 
 
 Countess of Lascelles, 
 
 Countess and the Page, 
 
 Duke of Marchmont, 
 
 Ed^ar Montrosc, 
 
 
 
 Loves of the Harem . 
 
 Clifford and the Actress, 
 le Court of Naples, 
 
 Q.ieen Joanna; or the Mysteries 
 C iimna : or. the Secrefs of a Pic 
 
 Gallery.... 
 
 MISS PARDOS S POPULAR WORKS. 
 
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 Romance of the Hare nj, 75 
 
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 Within the Maze, $1 . r >0 Siiaduw .>f Ashlydyat, $1 50 
 
 Dene Hollow, 1 5i> Oswald Cray, 
 
 Bessy Ranc 1 50 
 
 George Canterbury s Will, 1 50 
 
 Mildred Arki-11... 
 Red Court Favm. 
 Ulster s Fully. 
 
 Verner s Pride, 1 50 
 
 The Channings, 1 50 St. Martin s Eve,. 
 
 Roland Yorke. A Sequel to " The Channings," 
 
 i.nrd Oakburn s Daughters ; or, The Earl s Heirs, 
 
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 Squire Trevlyn s Heir: or, Trevlyn Hold, 
 
 The above are each in paper cover, or in cloth, price $1.75 each. 
 
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 50 
 50 
 58 
 50 
 50 
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 50 
 50. 
 
 Mystery 75 
 
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 William Allair, 25 
 
 EUGENE SUE S GREAT WORKS. 
 
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 Adventures and 
 
 .... 75 
 
 of 
 
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 M-i.jor Jones Chronicles 
 
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 the Prairie, 75 
 
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 My Shooting Box, 
 
 75 
 
 Warwick Woodlands, 
 
 75 
 
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 75 
 
 Peter Ploddy, 
 
 75 
 
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 75 
 
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 Aunt Patty s Scrap Bag 
 
 75 
 
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 Adventures of Fudge Fumble,. 75 
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 WILLIAM HARRISON AINSWORTH S WORKS. 
 
 Life of Jack Sheppard, 50 
 
 Life of Guy Fawkes, 75 
 
 Oourt of the Stuarts, 75 
 
 Windsor Castle, 75 
 
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 Old St. Paul s, 75 
 
 Court of Queon Anne, 50 
 
 Life of Dick Tin-pin, 50 
 
 Life of Davy Crockett, 50 
 
 Lives of Jack Sheppard and Guy Fawkes, in one volume, cloth, 1 75 
 
 Tower of London, $1 50 
 
 Miser s Daughter, 1 00 
 
 Above are in cloth, at $1.75 each. 
 
 Life of Grace O Malley, 50 
 
 Desperadoes of the NewWorld, 50 
 
 Life of Henry Thomas, 25 
 
 Life of Ninon De L Enclos,.... 25 
 
 Life of Arthur Spring, 25 
 
 Life of Mrs. Whipple, 25 
 
 MISS ELLEN PICKERING S WORKS. 
 
 The Grumbler, 75 
 
 Marrying for Money, 75 
 
 Poor Cousin, 50 
 
 Who Shall be Heir? 38 
 
 The Squire, 38 
 
 Ellen Wareham,... 38 
 
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 Orphan Niece, 50 | 
 
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 Medical Stu- 
 
 38 
 
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