NRLF P S 3157 W6 L5 MAIN S EDITION, PVERTURE OF SELECT TEXTS. " THERE are of madmen as there are of tame, All humored not alike. Some Apish and fantastic." DKKKEK. " Strike out ! and the world shall revere us As heroes descinded from heroes." HON. JOHK MORISSEY " Verily, is he not a man and a Bother ?" H. Q-. " Tygh hygh, tygh hygh ! sweet delight ! He tickles this age who can ; Calls Tullia s ape a marmosite, And Leda s goose a swan." BRITISH BIBLIOGRAPHER. " Passengers who hence would journey Unto St. Thomas, Brazil, Savannah, or Havana, Will comfort, speed, and safety much insure By passage taking on our lines of steamships, The office being at 5 Bowling Green." GARRISON & ALLKH " There is a chain of causes Linked to effects ; invisible necessity, That whate er is, could not but so have been." DRYDEN. 14 There, I told you so ! " A VETERAN OBSERVER. " Read, ye that run, the awful truth With which I charge my page." COWPKR. " Marry, come up ! as of bells there is a din- Friends, let us dine." W. STUART. " I hold that man a fool who would his life imperil For a woman who lores him not." W. SHAKESPEARE. " Ah ! that is the mystery Of this wonderful history." SOUJCHEY. "I hath not seen it, my gentle boy." J. R. OSGOOD. " Human nature is full of inconsistencies." LEWIS LKLAXC " Take this in good part, whatsoever thou be, And wish me no worse than I wish unto thee." TUSSKR. T T T^ T^ T CP TT T A TkT T7 * T ] T T^ T^ T T TT T . rA Y\P T\ vX_J Ju Uu uu JU Uu JuJO JLJ ul/ Ou JU i JLOu M OR, LUNACY. BY O. H. WEBB. T Rd.TIONS &T SOL J&rTIJVG&, J QUOTATIONS BY VARIOOS AUTHORS. For in this world, to reckon every thing, Pleasure to man there is none comparable As is to read with understanding In books of wisdom. They ben so delectable Which sound to virtue, and ben profitable. TRKVISA . , 99 MDCCCLXVI. TO THE WHO FIRST PUBLISHED THIS TRAVESTIE IN THE NEW-YORK TIMES, AND WHO HAS CUT OUT MORE, PRINTED LESS OF, AND UNIFORMLY PAID BETTER PRICES FOR MY CONTRIBUTIONS THAN ANY OTHER EDITOR LIVING, THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S66, by C. H. WKBB, lu the Clerk s Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New- York. P3 315? W& 1,5 H/H M OF XPLANATION, FOB the leading idea of this little story, let me frankly con fess that I am indebted to Mr. Charles Reade. LIFFITH LANK is, in great measure, the legitimate offspring, or rather offshoot, of "Griffith Gaunt," which will account for any similarity that there may be between the two ramifications. For the general style and the typographical effects introduced, I am also indebted to Mr. Reade ; but, having said thus much, all is said. For the illustrations I am only indebted to Eytinge not having yet paid that eminent, excellent, and patient artist for his labors. . . Originally published in the New- York Times, I was persuaded to consent to the republication of the travestie in its present form. And I will take this occasion to say, that I am ready and, in fact, eager, to be persuaded to consent to the republica tion of any thing I have ever written provided some one else can be found to incur the expense and risk. If my little book amuses the public, I shall be pleased ; if it pays, I shall be more than pleased ; for " My soul is not a palace of the past, Where priest-worn creeds, like Rome s gray Senate, quake, Hearing afar the Vandafs trumpet hoarse. The time is ripe and rotten ripe for CHANGK. Then let it ILLUSTRATIONS. PORTRAIT OF KATB. In this cut the cross-cut given to the eyes by the artist, ia particularly noticeable. THB FOX-HUNT. Showing how well Kate was calculated to overlook things about a house or a hedge. THE DPEL. Illustrative of what a woman can do, if she chooses, and can manage to borrow a piebald charger. THE DKCLARATION. Liffith leaning against the turret, and establishing a life-lien on Kate. THK LADY S MAID. Mrs. Ryder dressing her mistress hair combing it rather strong. THE MODERN CRADLE. Mercy points to it Liffith sees the point, but does not like the game. DRAGGING THE MERE. A mere fancy sketch, executed by Eytinge in a pensive and retrospective hour. THE APOTHEOSIS. Showing what a man may achieve if he has the industry to marry two wives, and some one to right him up after ward especially designed for the example and encour agement of young men. OR, A TAJL.E TELA.T HE WHO RUNS 3VCA.Y I, then, that losel shall never blacken my boots again !" " Say I, then, they are my boots, and not yours, and that faithful serving-man shall brighten them whenever he will." The gentleman and lady who indulged in this little interchange of compliments before break fast were man and wife, and had loved each other a Little but not Long. Scant the encour agement to matrimony which my opening epi sode affords, but the Great Artist s duty is im perative et mtam impendere vero ! Here a little explanation is necessary not of my Latin, for that will be found among the " Words, Phrases, and Quotations from Foreign 8 LIFFITH LANK. Languages " in the appendices of all modern dictionaries but of my plan. In medio tutis- simus ibis : Safety lies in the middle, both in parting hair and beginning stories. On that hint I have acted. .To begin now with the be ginning : Miss Katrine Phaeton was a young lady of Cucumberland, born of rich but respectable parents. Her hair was golden, her eyes gray. She had a fashion of doing up the former that puz zled her rivals, and of using the latter that bewildered her victims. The secret of her chignon was known to none. As for her eyes, she had Kate Phaeton and her eyes. (Photographed a Way of turning them on slowly, as careful housewives do gas, so that the victim could not fail to observe two things : first, that they were grand and beautiful orbs, though the pupil was without a master ; secondly, that they were overlooking him instead of looking at him. Some persons would have thought her cross eyed but it was only a way she had. LIFFITH LANK. 9 So contemplated by such curious eyes, a man feels queer. He doesn t know whether he is being looked at or not. She was rather charitable, and made no bones of giving all the cold victuals about the house to the poor. All she required in return from those around her was, that they should be Ro man Catholics, and do precisely as she wished them to do in every thing. Singularly enough, much uglier and richer girls married on all sides of her, but this eccentric beauty remained Miss Phaeton at two times twenty. She hunted once a month, and was at home in the saddle but did not give her receptions there. So admirably balanced was her charac ter, that, notwithstanding her love of the manly sport, she had no ambition to be a jockey nor a groom. But one day they drew Yewtree Bow, and out shot a fox. A hedger saw him shoot, and gave the view halloo ; and away across country, like new brooms, swept dogs, horses, and men. But, notwithstanding all this enum eration, Dux fcemina facti and so it was, Deuse takes the hindmost. It was a gallant chase, and our dreamy vir gin s back got up. Her golden hair streamed and her gray eyes watered, as lithe and blithe she sat upon her great white gelding, riding over huntsmen as well as hounds, and jump ing ditches and hedges where the stoutest stee- 10 LIFFITH LANK. pie-chase riders of the county were stuck and staked. Having outridden and jumped over everybody and every thing, Miss Phaeton was naturally soon next to the fox, and saw that sagacious animal when he, not wishing to be run over, glided into Dogwood Un- dermore. The huntsmen and hounds were at this time so far in arrears that they mistook the great white geld ing for the fox, and the back-hair of the dreamy vir gin for his brush. Sat Miss Phae ton so long and still upon her horse at the cor ner of the under wood, that she fell into a deep How Kate overlooked Poxes and things the reverie, and did Great White Gelding point, ^ ^ ^ fox when he stole out, though her eyes were bent LIFFITH LANK. 11 in that direction. The fox thought she was look ing at him, but here the peculiarity of those grand and beautiful orbs made itself apparent she was overlooking him. Huntsmen and hounds were swearing and tearing in all directions, but Miss Phaeton sat quietly and turned over in her head a plan for converting all the world to Roman Catholicism. Not so her horse. He plunged and then didn t, and then trembled all over and planted his forefeet together at this angle \ . At the same moment he slanted his hind-legs thus /. The following was then the position : / \. It may be mathematically stated thus : X-tN^O So braced he could not move a peg ; a horse divided against himself can not stir quod erat demonstrandum. But he looked a deal more statuesque than any three statues in England as may readily be imagined. And, by the by, the gentlemen who carve horses in our native style, did they ever see one in that fix out of a picture-book? The wliipper-in came up and was somewhat surprised at the attitudes of both horse and rider. From that of the former he thought that the fox had popped out ; from that of the latter that Liflith Lank, who was in the neighborhood, had either popped or was expected to. It never occurred to his simple soul that a meeting of the hounds could be converted into a meeting of the Congregatio de Propaganda Fide. 12 LIFF1TH LANK. However, a huntsman came np and made bold to touch, his hat, and ask her if she had seen nothing of the fox. She toyed with the horn that hnng at her girdle, looked him dreamily in the face, and replied, "Yes." He blew his own horn lustily, and asked which way Pug had gone. Upon which Miss Phaeton looked him dreamily in the face again and made answer that she did not know. "But didst not say thou saw st him?" "Not so, sweetheart," said she, laying her hand upon his arm softly and smiling sweetly. " You asked had I seen nothing of the fox, and I replied, yes and I have seen nothing of the fox." Thereupon the huntsman took a small but sizable flask from his pocket, put it to his lips and wound another horn, for he now saw what the dreamy virgin was at. He understood that she had overlooked the fox. "Couple up and go home to supper!" said Miss Phaeton, sublimely disregardful that it was not supper- time, and of the object which had brought forty dogs and men and horses and her self to the field. "The fox is in his hole by this time." And touching spur to her horse, she jumped over the astonished huntsman s head, and cantered slowly home across country, as though nothing had happened. LIFFITH LANK. 13 " Courage, mes amis /" remarked the huntsman to his friends, as he rearranged the Amidon which the hoof of the great white gelding had grazed and damaged, thinking the while that it was the Fall fashion, and had cost ten dollars " Courage, mes amis, le diable est mort /" Miss Phaeton had not ridden many miles when Liffith Lank galloped up to her side. In expec tation of this event, she had been holding in her impatient horse for the last half-hour. "Is it you, Liffith ? she cried, with a sudden start of surprise ; c * who would have thought it!" Mark you the woman there. Why, think you, the grand and "beautiful orlbs overlooked the fox when he broke cover at Dogwood Undermore ? Why, think you, she broke up the hunt? Let me whisper it to you in small type The fox was not her little game ! THE SEX! Slowly they galloped along together, the white gelding leading. For, in this instance, Liffith s gray mare was not the better horse. "Kate," spoke Liffith, "I ve been courting you nigh upon three years, and now there s an other lad come into court. Mayhap you think me a ladder. It is time you said me yes or no. I love you, Kate, and how could you be so cruel as love any other man ? There, let me get off my horse and lie down on the stubble, and you 14 LIFFITH LANK. ride over me. I would rather have you tram ple on my ribs than below the belt ; but choose your own turnpike, Dearest and any way, I ve a policy of insurance against accidents in my pocket. Wilt have me, Kate?" (That was the way they made love on horse back in the middle ages, before the invention of parlors and easy-chairs and bay-windows and turbine water-wheels.) Miss Phaeton turned her glorious eyes upon her lover. u What think you, Liffith, of the Doctrine of Transubstantiation ?" said she soft ly, looking him dreamily in the face. Liffith muttered a word which, under the cir cumstances, might be called an allowable rhyme, and dashing the spurs into his horse, rode fierce ly away. A casual observer might have thought Miss Phaeton was looking after him. Not so ; the peculiarity of those grand and beautiful orbs again came in ; she saw but the moon. LIFFITH LANK. 15 CHAPTER II. IS PHAETON rode home and found another lover s horse at the gate. She smiled : "Two beaux on a string are quite as good as two strings to a bow," thought she. Old Joe, the groom, who had served long and faithfully in the family on board wages, hobbled out : "Mistress Kate," said he, "have you seen Liffith Lank anywheres ? The young lady colored at this question, and replied she didn t know. This was one of wo man S WHITE LIES. "But why?" she asked. "Why?" repeated old Joe, "all the girls in town be runnin after un now. The blinds be down at Bolton Hall, and they do say as ow the old Squire be dead. Here be a letter sealed with black for Master Liffith." Miss Phaeton took the letter, opened and read it. The news was brief but good, and the grand and glorious orbs brightened. Old Mr. Churl- ton was dead, and Liffith was heir to Bolton Hall. Carefully resealing the letter, she told Joe 16 L IF PITH LANK. to drop it into the post-office, and bolted into the house. In the hall she met George Neverill. He was a young man, handsome and accomplished ; had traveled on the Continent and in America ; had made love to all the women he met, and was in nowise troubled with bashfulness nor doubt of his own merits and good looks. "I love you, Kate," said he^ putting his arm round the young lady s waist. I love you bet ter than I loved Mimi, or Marguerite, or Isabella, or Beatrice, or Dorothy Jane the latter being a native of Maine. And the pride of Cucumber- land and pearl of all other lands has but to say the word to be mistress of my heart and of Honiton Grange. Wilt be my wife, Kate?" Honiton Grange suggested Honiton lace, and the lines of the young lady s mouth relaxed. There was a sound as of "P weep," a succes sion of similar sounds, decies repetita placebit and Miss Phaeton dreamily wiped her lips. "Wilt do me a favor, George?" said she. "Ay," replied he, "an it be not to shave my head and turn priest." " Seest yonder horseman, on the gray mare ? He is leaving the country. Ride after and bring him back." " Ay," and George Neverill left with alacrity. But he returned with alacrity, and came in without rapping. LIFFITH LANK. 17 "Is not yon gentleman Liffith Lank?" "Ay," said Kate quietly. "And you wish I should bring him back to you that you may " "Marry him," put in Kate, looking dreamily in his eyes. George Neverill reached out his hand and shook hers warmly. "I admire coolness," said he, "and this suits me exactly. But go after him you, and ride my piebald charger." "You are a preux chevalier" said Kate; "excuse me a moment," and vanished promis ing to be back in five minutes. George Neverill stood alone. " (7 est un pen fort" muttered he to himself. Five minutes passed, fifteen, twenty, thirty, sixty ; it was hard upon his dinner hour, and there was none to ask him to tarry and dine. Mounting Miss Phaeton s horse which stood at the gate, he rode thoughtfully home, telling old Joe it was all right, and giving him a shilling to drink to his wedding with Miss Phaeton. In the mean while, Kate had overtaken Liffith, and explained to him that she would "think about it." He at once promised to build a nun nery, to take the vail himself, if it would at all avail or conduce to her happiness, and all around them were to be Roman Catholics. In a delightful frame of mind, Miss Phaeton 18 L1FFITH LANK. rode home, and on learning that Gfeorge Never- ill had waited her return until the last stroke of the dinner hour, averred her belief that he was a good-natured and handsome fellow. On being told that he had ridden the white gelding away, her face fell, but only for a moment. " The pie bald charger is much the better of the two," said she, and sat joyfully down to dinner. CHAPTER III. JlVILIZATION has many meters. Some times these meters imbrue their hands in each other s blood and all for the want of an international copy-right. But for information on this head, let me refer you to my book called the Eighth Commandment. In the present one my Masterpiece I intend to treat only of the Seventh and its infractions. The reader will readily infer that this is not a child s book especially a little girl s book. It is not a boatful of pap, and paps should be careful about introducing it into the nursery. Prcemon- itus pr&munitus. Nice the row when George Neverill rode into the yard of the Roebuck on Miss Phaeton s great white gelding. LIFFITH LANK. 19 " You are a liar, and a scoundrel !" cried Lif- fith, striding up to him. It was hard to be worsted in a horse-trade and then accosted in this abrupt way by a rival. George Neverill ground his teethas though he would make meal of his adversary. The rivals measured each other from head to foot, (with a small tape-line which was kindly furnished by one of the waiters,) and Liffith, finding himself a half inch the taller, hesitated no longer, but struck straight out from the shoulder. Amid the darkness which overshaded Never- ill s vision this glittered : Dost recognize the constellation, gentle reader ? There are other Southern Crosses in our universe besides Mulattoes. "It is Never too Late to Mend," said JSTeverill, as he picked up his broken nose and left the ring. 20 LIFFITH LANK. CHAPTER IV. HE very next day, Mr. Chouseman took advantage of an errand in the neighbor hood, and rode over to see Miss Phaeton. Mr. Chouseman was a highly respectable solici tor, who had obtained the position of trust and confidence he occupied, by riding around the country on convenient errands, and inducting young lady acquaintances into the secrets of his clients. So the very next day he rode over to Miss Phaeton, and told her she was in luck. How ? queried she. "Two young men are going to fight a duel to the death for you." " Liflith and George?" she carelessly asked, cracking a hickory nut with her white and deli cate teeth. " Ay , and both have made their wills in your favor. So if either be killed " And if both ?" ^gaid Miss Phaeton, with the old dreamy look in her eyes. "You have two estates," said Chousemau, rubbing his hands. ^ "But not one husband," remarked Miss Phae- LIFFITH LANK. 21 ton thoughtfully. " Tell them to saddle the pie bald charger," she immediately cried, turning to an attendant. The two combatants were on the ground, ear nestly wishing that some peace officer would come in and arrest an affair which had already gone quite far enough to be pleasant. Two shots had been exchanged, to the imminent peril of the seconds, who had both posted themselves behind trees while giving the word for the third fire. "Are you ready? 7 ( "Yes." ("Yes." A Jewel of a Girl, doing the polite at a Duel. 22* L1FFITH LANK. At this moment the piebald charger stepped quietly in and stood between the leveled pistols. There were two simultaneous reports. Miss Phae ton, who never believed reports, paid no atten tion to either, but caught the bullets gracefully, one in each hand, and returned them with her compliments to the two duelists. Liffith upon his scratched these words : ft i love Mate!" and swallowed it. This act of gallantry, and the patent fact that he was entirely in the wrong in the quarrel, moved Kate in his favor. " How sweet !" she cried. "Ay, Sugar of Lead," muttered the Scotch sur geon, who happened to be none other than our old acquaintance in the hard cash times, Dr. Sampson. Neverill didn t make much out of the ball ; but he swopped horses again, and got back the pie bald charger. CHAPTER Y. so blind as those that CAN T see ! A pleasant party was assembled in the late Mr. Churlton s parlor to hear the will read. To his faithful servants the deceased gentleman left a shilling each ; to an illegitimate son his old LIFFITH LANK 23 clothes, cut in the fashion of a preceding genera tion, and the family seal ; to Liffith Lank a lock of his hair, and to Miss Phaeton all the balance of his estate, real and personal. Among others who came to congratulate Miss Phaeton came Liffith, sorrowful and seedy. She looked at him a moment, more in sorrow than in anger. Point <V argent, point de Suisse ; no money, no point lace and Swiss muslin, thought she, but her better nature prevailed. There was enough for two, and her life was monotonous ; theretofore her amusements had chiefly consisted in working figures of the saints on samplers, and confessing to Father Francis. A husband would be a pleasant variety, she thought. And Neverill helped the thing along. He pro posed that she should give Liffith all of his and her property, and marry him Neverill. Again the peculiarity of the grand and beautiful orbs came in. Kate looked him dreamily in the eyes, but she did not see him Nor did she see IT So she wrote Liffith a note, asking him to call on her as soon as convenient, and to come sober. Unfortunately Liffith, on receiving the note, was so_ drunk that he could not read it. How ever, a kind and sober parson, named Eden, read it for him. After lying in a snow-bank for an hour or two, which made him feel quite fresh and L IF FIT H LANK. comfortable and presentable, lie contrived to stag ger beneath Miss Phaeton s window. She put her lovely head out, utterly regardless -of the climate, the season, and a neuralgia, to which she was subject of old. " Art there?" said she. " Speak, dearest." Straightening himself up against the tur ret, honest Liffith hiccoughed, I (hie) I (hie) I love (hie, hie, hie) hie, Popping. Showing what the extract of Pop-corn does. Kate, (hie, hie, hie.)" The thing was done, and Kate was captivated. Wrong in the quarrel, poor as a crow, drunk as a beast, and every body urging her to marry somebody else, her affections at once centred on Liffith. So the next morning Neverill got a note, the contents of which ran much as follows : L IF FIT II LANK. 25 "It having suddenly occurred to me that you would like to marry me, I have consulted Liffith to whom I have been en gaged for three years past and he thinks you would. Brother Leonard sees nothing wrong in it, inclining to view it as a lauda ble ambition ; but Liffith and Father Francis view the matter in a different light. For my part, I am very much surprised, for I have done nothing to deserve such treatment. But I forgive you. Farewell. Be virtuous, join the Roman Catholic Church, and you will be happy. " P. S. I am afraid you will think me a coquette, but I do not think I am one. " P. P. S. I wish you would get me a few skeins of worsted of the inclosed pattern. " P. P. S. If you shaved your head, perhaps you would feel etter." " And what answer will you make?" said Fa ther Francis, who delivered the note. " Answer! I ll not waste a postage-stamp, i faith," growled George. "But I ll carry the message," said the priest. "Then here s my reply," said George, grinding his teeth, (perhaps because he couldn t have a mill with his rival,) " she s old enough to under stand French, if she doesn t. Tell her. " Le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle." " I m not the first sold by a damsel." And with that he walked moodily away. He looked at the sky, and the stars seemed to smile at his anguish. Cold and pitiless, the pale moon 26 LIFFITH LANK. looked down upon Ms woe. Longingly he looked for a sign to assuage the grief which gnawed at his heart. Suddenly his eye brightened. Would you behold this great discovery, the same in magnitude and appearance as it met the eyes of the first discoverers, dragged with a rake from the bottom of a bay, opened with a knife, and swallowed by an adventurous mortal, after successive generations had passed it by without deeming it succulent ? Then turn your eyes hither, for here it is. Sold, in the cellar he found compensation. LIFFITH LANK. 27 CHAPTER VI. IFFITH made a tolerably good husband, as husbands went in those days. Gen- erally he was able to get up -stairs after dinner without more than two servants to assist him, and he very seldom got into bed without taking off his boots. When he did, he was especially careful to remove his spurs. On one occasion, when Liffith forgot himself with both spurs and boots, Mrs. Lank remon strated with him ; but he turned upon her, and called her A PRURIENT PRUDE, and threat ened to drag her before the public ; seeing her error, she confessed it. On the whole, their mar ried life rippled on about as happily as ever mar ried life does. The main trouble was about "help." Mrs. Lank was prejudiced against good-looking cham bermaids, and Liffith was opposed to Roman Catholic serving-men, who excelled in polish in every thing, except in the matter of polishing boots. This brings us to the opening of our story. "I say, the hussy shall pack," Mrs. Lank had remarked. 28 LIFFITH LANK. She had asked him, a few seconds previously, to bring out his mol da gamba. Alas ! her speech had the effect of bringing out a vial of wrath ! c Say I, then, that losel shall never blacken my boots again." "Say I, then, they are my boots, and not yours, and that faithful serving-man shall bright en them whenever he will." Here Mrs. Lank was wrong. Because she paid for the boots, by no means did it follow that throw them she should every morning in her husband s face. ]STor, strictly speaking by the letter of the law, were they her boots, whether paid she for them or not. As well have claimed his breeches, might she, and these she could no more have filled than his boots. Aut nunquam tentes, autperfice. Besides, for the matter of that, they were not boots at all; they were A PAIR OF HOB NAILED SHOES. Sometimes Liffith thought that he had got an elephant on his hands that he might as well have married Mademoiselle D jek for at times he did indeed feel much dejected and been a Jack of all Trades at once. Mrs. Lank had in her employ a lady named Ryder and ride her mistress she did with a ven geance. In combing Mrs. Lank s long and beau tiful hair, she tangled and pulled it viciously ; capillary attraction exerted its force to soften her obdurate heart in vain. Ask you why Ryder LIFFITH LANK. 29 was so relentless and remorseless? She loved Liffith, and pulling his wife s hair was the only way she had of showing it. Causa lateL vis est notissima. Combing it rather strong. In short, Ryder was a Dangerous Female, and I would not like to ride alone with her on one of the English railways, where the carriages, you must know, are small, and seldom filled. Not content with pulling out her mistress s hair, she was always and forever putting fleas in her mas ter s ear. It may not have "been "before remarked "by our reader, "but Liffith s chief "besetting sin aside from his unfortunate habit of getting drunk was lunacy. On the subject of priests he was monomaniacal. He had a way of strangling 30 LIFFITH LANK. them when they ventured upon his grounds, which was not only inconvenient to the priests, but distasteful as well to his wife, who had a re markable respect and fondness for the cloth sending them soups and gravies till one might have thought it was a table-cloth. And Ryder was always egging him on. " One day she nagged and egged him so much that he determined to break the yolk. So he collared a poor devil of a priest, with whom his wife happened to be discussing the vicarious powers of the Pope, and shook and trampled him till there was seemingly no life left in him. Black and blue and livid, those who picked the poor priest up thought he was suifering from an attack of the Malignant Collarer. So Liffith, thinking he had killed his man, fled the county, taking with him all his wife s jewels. In his desperation he never drew bridle-rein till he reached an inn in the next county, a good twenty miles away, called the "Packhorse." (Why he did not go further, know I not, but per chance he was fearful of faring worse.) There he proceeded to unpack, and, having nothing better to do, fell to drinking on an empty stomach, until he drank himself into a brain-fever. LifRth was always in luck, and at this inn he found another woman with grand and beautiful orbs. But this was a dove-eyed angel. When Mercy Vintner looked at things she saw them, L1FF1TH LANK. 31 which was more than could be said of Mrs. Lank. Had not Liffith possessed the constitution of a horse, he would have succumbed to the fever. And perhaps it was because of his possessing the constitution of a horse that a farrier suc ceeded in curing him after a regular physician had given him up. Similia similibus curantur. Any way, what with Mercy s nursing, and the glauber and aloes which the farrier prescribed for him, Liffith got sufficiently well to decline wearing the shroud which a kind old lady was embroidering for him, and call for a shirt. The next thing he called for was a parson, and he and Mercy were made one, much to the delight of the parents, who thought that such a son-in- law behind the bar would bring custom to the " Packhorse." Had they known his habits, they would have trembled on trusting him with the keys. For than Liffith there were few squarer drinkers in the county. The farrier, who had been engaged to Mercy, came in just as the ceremony was over. For a moment he stared woefully at the picture, and then said very dryly : "I am too late for the wedding and too early for the funeral, methinks." "That you be, Paul," said Mrs. Vintner cheer fully, " she is meet for your master." "If he be taken sick again,. the devil may dose him, growled Paul, and leaving the room in dis- 32 LIFFITH LANK. gust he withdrew his custom from the Pack- horse" forever. On being asked the reason, he replied that he did not like the new Bar-Keeper. . ., _ CHAPTER VII. fi ||f^IFFITH might have shown his gratitude to Mercy in a better way than marrying her, when he knew very well that he had a wife and child in the next county. It was scarcely the right thing to do ; for there is a popular prejudice against a man having two wives, and one should always endeavor to con form to the customs of society. But I am writing of a period with which Fielding dealt, and can not forget my double character of moralist and artist. "Liffith Lank" is no worse than "Tom Jones" or "Ferdinand Count Fathom." So, while all these fellows are batting at me, why do they not do a little Fielding ? This tale hath float ed the "Argosy," and sustained the "Atlantic." The reader will remark that I have floated the floater. In deference to the absurd prejudices of society I have already omitted a great deal that would have added to the interest of the story and its success among the masses exempli gratia, the Mrs. Potiphar business between Ryder and Liffith. All this I intend to publish in a sequel, if L IFF ITU LANK. 33 the matter can "be satisfactorily arranged with my publishers. And it can be, without doubt. For it is a mistake to suppose that I consult them or any one else regarding the morality of what I write. The only thing I discuss with them is bulk and price principally bulk. For I am an artist as well as a moralist, and ars longa, etc. my art chiefly displays itself in the length of my stories. Verbum sap. To return to my story. Matters did not go on very thrivingly at the "Packhorse" after the marriage. The prudent parents, who had thought that Liffith was a highwayman, and would bring purses home occasionally, found to their great dis appointment that he was a gentleman, and exceed ingly awkward behind the bar. Moreover, he drank like a fish ; nay, he drank not like a fish, for a fish drinks but water, and little of that drank Liffith. It was ale and sack and sherry possets, until every thing was empty. He drank them out of house and home, and creditors threat ened to sell out the " Packhorse." Reproached by Mr. Yintner, Liifith requested the old man to cease his taunts, and proposed to buy him out. To this a ready agreement was made, for the "Packhorse" was. old, and the sign needed new painting, and the custom was poor. The best customer about the house was Liflith, but he did not even charge himself with what he drank. 34 LIFFITH LANK. The question of price was soon settled ; that of bulk had already been disposed of, for it was in bulk that the inn was bought, and the only thing that remained was payment. It became a ques tion of cash VERY HARD CASH. At mention of this, Liffith s face fell. For he had spent all the money he took from the priest at leaving, and what he had raised from selling and pawning his other wife s jewels. Suddenly a bril liant idea occurred to him. He would go back to that other wife and borrow of her enough money to set himself and this one up in business. So it is the words of the old song came true, u Nous revenons toujours A nos premiers amours." And he saddled his great black horse and set off to see the other Mrs. Lank. His father-in-law, who thought he was going out to the high road to follow his old trade of " stand and deliver," bade him God- speed, but the dove-eyed angel sighed. For he might come to grief, thought she, and it would not be pleasant to be widow of a man who was hanged. Liffith delayed two days upon the road, for he began to feel he was riding on an awkward errand Having turned over in his mind the way he should conduct the disagreeable but necessary business, he determined to conduct it upon business prin- LIFFITH LANK. 35 ciples only, and if collaterals and an indorser were required, to get his father-in-law to back his paper. Singularly enough, he found his wife exactly where he had left her. She was looking carefully over the ground, in accordance with her usual custom, to find the purse that had "been dropped in the scuffle with the priest. Aside from "being dressed in a magnificent Irish poplin, she was not much changed from what Liffith remembered her. Ryder had not pulled all her golden hair out, and she was still a passable-looking woman. She threw herself on Liffith s neck, panted on his shoulder, and asked him what was the news. "You are but a woman," said he as though that were news to her and put her roughly away. " I came not to make love, but to make a loan." Mrs. Lank was a proud woman. i An that be the case," said she, "we will go into the house and talk it over." Seated in the house: "My jewels, that you did me the honor to take, would not last you long, I feared," said she, " so I expected some thing of this visit." "A man can not live on hearing of sermons and smelling two rose-buds," replied Lifiith. N". B. That was spoke sarcasticul, as Sylva- nus the Sugary says. 36 L IFF ITU LANK. The upshot of it all was that Mrs. Lank ad vanced him five dollars on his personal recog nizance. It being nightfall before the necessary negotiations were concluded, Liffith generously consented to stay to dinner, and, as a matter of course, got drunk. A separate apartment had been aired and placed at his disposal, but by an effort of " organic memory" he managed to mistake the room, nor did he discover the mistake until it was too late to remedy it. Such little mistakes will occur in the best- regulated families especially when one man maintains two, living in separate counties. Early the next morning he mounted his horse and rode away to the dove-eyed angel, carrying five dollars in his pocket. " There," said he, flinging the postal currency down on the table, I come not to thee empty- handed." "JSTor I to thee. While thou wast saying, Stand and deliver, see what I did," said Mer cy, with a heavenly smile, pointing to a cradle which Liffith had not before observed. It con tained a boy three years old. On the whole, he thought he d go back to Kate ; and Mercy, on hearing the whole story, coincided with him in the opinion that it was the best thing he could do under the circumstances. Liffith proposed Utah, if his other wife could be brought to consent ; but the dove-eyed was not willing to dovetail into any such an arrangement. LIFFITH LANK. 37" So back rode he to Cucumberland. But here found he himself in a sad pickle. For Mrs. THE "CRADLE Soxo." A clear case of " Who s been here ?" etc Lank had heard of his goings on. Company was in the house, and all sat at dinner when Liffith entered the room. 38 LIFFITH LANK. "Is there place for one more?" said lie in quiringly. "No," replied Mrs. Lank decisively, as she helped Father Francis to fish. Such a meeting of man and wife never I nor any one else saw. At this moment one idea suddenly and simul taneously occurred to all the well-bred guests ; and that idea was, that they were, perhaps, de trop. Liffith saw them leave with a sinking heart, for well knew he what was coming. Mrs. Lank called him a Skulking Skeesicks, and threatened to collar him and drag him be fore a jury of his countrymen. "The consta bles shall come for you in the morning," said she, and with that bade Ryder show him to a room in the attic. Little liking the accommodations, and still less the idea of constables in the morning, Liffith waited until Ryder had left the room, and then, opening the window, let himself down to the ground by the tin water-pipe that ran along the eaves. The next morning Liffith was non est inventus. And the morning after the next, Mrs. Lank was arrested on suspicion of having murdered him. Before hanging her, however, it was necessary to find the body. Now a little distance from the house was a mere, filled with carp and eels and L IF FITS LANK. 39 pike and other fish, always fresh and fit for the table from the fact that they were fed principal ly upon parsons and peddlers. It was a mere suspicion that the "body was here, "but they de termined to drag the mere. For some time they dragged nothing to the surface but parsons and peddlers and tin pots and broken jugs, but at length they clawed hold of something else. "Draw slowly," said the contractor, "and if it is, be men, and hold fast." The men drew slowly, slowly, and presently there rose to the surface a Thing to strike terror and loathing to the stoutest soul. A Thing to strike Terror to the Stoutest Soul. 40 LIFFITH LANK. It was not an editor, nor an anonymous cor respondent, nor a Prurient Prude. It was the pair of hobnailed shoes before alluded to in capital letters. They were identified by a ground- mole, found in one of them. With this evidence against her, Mrs. Lank ? s case was regarded as hopeless ; but neverthe less, it was determined to make an effort in her defense. Prominent in this movement was George Neverill. He hoped two things : first, that Liffith was indeed eaten up by the fish in the mere ; secondly, that Kate would be ac quitted. CHAPTER VIII. HIN~GS looked serious. Ryder had heard Mrs. Lank threaten her husband, and a splash had been heard in the mere that night. The theory that it was only a fish jumping was laughed to scorn. The idea that Mercy might know something about the whereabouts of Liffith suggested it self to Mrs. Lank, and George Neverill was dis patched to find that dove-eyed angel. But she knew no more about it all than the other Mrs. Lank. LIFFITH LANK. 41 A notice appearing in one of the leading dailies of tlie period, that a gentleman of refinement, education, and wealth, and good-looking withal, would like to correspond with a large number of young ladies, with a view to matrimony, George suggested that this must "be Lifnth. But Mercy said no. She did not think he was marrying nowadays so much as formerly. "What shall we do?" cried Neverill in de spair. "Consult the spirits," replied Mercy; and a circle was immediately formed, but with no sat isfactory result. One spirit, on being consulted, rapped out, A-D-V-E-R-T-I-S-E, but being the ghost of a newspaper proprietor whose widow continued the business the advice was attributed to in terested motives. Nevertheless, she and George laid their heads together, and concocted the following, which ap peared among the "Personals" in all the city and country papers soon after : "If Liffith Lank, who is suspected of having been murdered, will send his address to either of his wives, or apply to the Sheriff of this county, he will hear of something to his advan tage. eod2p&wtf." The day before the trial iSTeverill telegraphed Mercy to know if any answer had come to the advertisement. 42 L1FFITH LANK. She replied, "No." To this telegram there were two postscript)? First postscript, in a tremulous hand : " Consult the spirits." Second postscript, in a spiritual hand : "Nonsense!" said matter-of-fact Mr. Chouse- man, " we have enow to do with pumping the witnesses, let alone draining the mere. We want no more parsons and peddlers." CHAPTER IX. OURT was in session. 1 c Katrine Lank, said the Judge, < i look me in the face." The prisoner turned her eyes slowly upon him. He saw in an instant that she was not looking at him, and was albout to commit her for contempt, when an old friend of the family stepped up, and explained the peculiarity of the grand and beau tiful orbs. Mr. Whitworth, the junior counsel for the Crown, then rose to open the case ; but the pris- LIFFITH LANK. 43 oner, with a pale face, Ibut most courteous de meanor, begged Ms leave to ask a previous ques tion of the court. Mr. Whitworth bowed, and sat down. " My lord," said she, looking the Judge dreamily in the face, "what think you of the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception?" At this the crier shouted, i O yez ! O yez ! O yez !" and the trial went on. But I will not weary the reader with a detail of the tedious process of an English court of law. Various witnesses gave their testimony, and Mrs. Lank subjected each to a severe cross-ex amination upon the dogmas of the Church. At the conclusion of the case for the prosecu tion, the prisoner stated that she should only call one witness for the defense. " Mercy Yintner !" cried she. And Mercy Vintner, who had been consulting the spirits in a side-room, stepped forward. " State to the court what you know about the case," said Mrs. Lank. " Nothing, an please your lordship," said Mercy, with a courtesy, u but that Liffith Lank an t dead yet." " But twenty witnesses declare that he is," re marked the Judge. " The balance of evidence is against you." And despite an appealing look from the dove-eyed angel, he was about to put on his black cap and pass sentence, for it was already *4 LIFFTTH LANK. past Ms dinner hour. But Mercy quietly took a note from her reticule and handed it to him. The note was from Liffith, and was addressed to the Judge. It briefly stated that he was alive ; but that he did not like to present himself for a family reason or rather for a two-family reason. He had read about jails in a work by a popular author, entitled " Never Too Late to End," and did not wish to make close acquaintance with the punishment-jacket, and cranks, cold douclies, and visiting justices. He concluded, by asking the Judge to dine with him when he happened to drop down his way ; paid a score of compliments to both his wives, and threatened to whip any body who hanged either of them. The court "was at once dismissed, and Mrs. Lank apologized to a jury of her countrymen for the trouble she had given them. She entered no legal proceedings against her husband, fearful that, even if found guilty, the jury would recom mend him to Mercy. LIWWITH- LANK. 45 CHAPTER X. CHANGE came over Mrs. Lank from that day forward. She had learned that the law will not allow even a woman to threaten to collar any body with impunity. In the mean time, Liffith Lank, Esq, who had succeeded to an immense and independent for tune in his own right, reappeared in public. It was said that he had compromised matters with the Vintners, but whether he had or not, no suit at law was brought against him, and he set about building a fine house, with large grounds and con servatories, but no meres and fish-ponds about the premises. Mrs. Lank heard of the new place, and riding past there one day, thought how much finer it was than Hernshaw Castle. One day she received a note in a well-known hand of write. She had been expecting some thing of the kind, and it caused her no surprise. It contained but these words : " MADAM : I do not ask you to forgive me. But I have built a fine new house of Milwaukee brick, furnished with all the mod ern improvements gas, water, bells, and speaking-tubes, and only five minutes walk frcm the depot. I have also abandoned all idea 46 L IF PITH LANK. i of going into the liotel business in another county. Your apart ments are ready for you. " With renewed assurances of my most distinguished considera tion, I remain, your husband, LIFFITH LANK." The messenger awaited a reply. "I will consult my child," said Mrs. Lank. And calling to her little girl, cetat eighteen months, who was playing in the parlor, she asked would it have some sugar-plums? " Es," lisped little Rose. " As you please," said Mrs. Lank, and sat down and wrote as follows : " Sm : I have consulted my child, and we both agree to submit to your judgment. Please send a carriage. " Yours respectfully, KATRINE LANK. " P. S. I have no objection to going a short distance into the country." The thing was done. In the mean while, Providence having kindly killed off the offspring of her affair with Liffith the little fellow clearly had no right to stand in the way of his mother s making a good match George JSTeverill had married the dove-eyed angel. The two families exchanged cards, but did not visit each other. So my task is ended. I have aimed to show that bigamy is against the law, and hope I have succeeded. In the present case it happens, unfortunately, LIFF1TH LANK. 47 that the only one who felt the terrors of the law, and came near suffering its penalties, was the in jured wife. And the only persons who were called upon to suffer at all were the three really innocent ones, George Neverill, the dove-eyed angel, and the little boy the first having been jilted, the second most cruelly deceived and in jured, and the last carried off by the scarlet fever to make room for a father-in-law. As for Liffith, he had the satisfaction of living with the two prettiest women in England, and escaping with out even a suit for damages. Under the circum- Showing what a man can achieve by honest industry. stances, an action for breach of promise could scarcely have been made to lie. On the whole, 48 L IF PITH LANK. our hero can not be held up as an example to young men. But these are the facts, and I sim ply tell them. Que voulez vous ? Is not virtue its own reward ? NOTE TO THE THIRD EDITION. The publication of the third edition of this illustrated and illustrious work, renders a further word of explanation necessary. Although my indebtedness to Mr. Beade remains uncanceled, I am no longer indebted to Eytinge for the drawings, having been chased around town the better part of a day by that muscular hewer of wood-cuts and drawer of water-colors, until, finally cornered, I was compelled to satisfy his exorbitant demands under threat of physical violence. I may here remark that, in drawing on me, he did a funnier thing than ever he drew on wood. But though he has proved himself to have an etching palm, I have changed my mind as to the merit of his designs ; indeed the most cursory, as well as the most inveterate and veteran observer can not fail to see, with the very nakedest eye, that he has failed to catch the spirit I might almost say the body of my text. Under any circumstances there is something highly indelicate about the presentation of a bill ; but what shall be thought of the man who requests you to " Fork the stumpy !" inflicting upon your feelings by this combination of the language of the swell-mob with the mercenariness of the counting-room a double shock ? Can such a man have the soul of an artist ? Is the phrase paletteable? C. H. W FOURTEEN DAY USE RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. STACKS MOV 22 l4Aug 59CT IAN AUTO. DISC JAN 6 87 Hi j__ REG. CIR. JUL 17 T5 LD 21-100m-2, 55 1 QQoOO \ 47K General Library University of California GENERAL LIBRARY - U.C. BERKELEY THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY