SCENES IN 
 
 METROPOLIS 
 
CHARCOAL SKETCHES; 
 
 OH, 
 
 SCfENES IN A METROPOLIS. 
 
 BY 
 
 JOSEPH C. NEAL. 
 
 WITH ILLU3TR iTIOXS r Y DAVID C. JOHXSTOX. 
 
 FIFTH EDITION. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA : 
 E. L. CAREY AND A. HART. 
 
 1840. 
 
ENTERED according to Act of Congress, in the year 1837, by 
 
 E. L. CAREY & A. HART, 
 
 in the Clerk s Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of 
 Pennsylvania. 
 
 STEREOTYPED BY L. JOHNSON 
 
 PRINTED BY T. K. fc P. G. COLLIN .S, PHILADELPHIA. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 AMOXG the publications of late years, we have 
 Pencil Sketches, Crayon Sketches, Pen and Ink 
 Drawings, Pencillings by the Way, and other 
 works deriving their titles from the pursuits of the 
 draughtsman. To avoid plagiarism, therefore, 
 while following the fashion, this humble volume 
 is presented bearing the unambitious name which 
 heads its pages. There is certainly nothing very 
 imposing about it ; but charcoal has its uses and 
 its capabilities ; and the sketcher is content if he 
 has been able even to approach any of the broad 
 effects which can be dashed off by the aid of an 
 article so homely. 
 
 A number of the trifles contained in the volume 
 are familiar to newspaper readers, under the gene 
 ral title of " City Worthies." Although mere fancy 
 portraits, farcical in their nature, and written for a 
 temporary purpose, they were received with such 
 unexpected favour as to induce their publication 
 in the present form. The collection also comprises 
 
 3 
 
4 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 other sketches which at least have novelty on their 
 side, if " worthy" of no other credit. 
 
 But whether the letter-press be amusing or not, 
 the illustrations by Johnston are replete with hu 
 mour and graphic skill. They who yawn in the 
 perusal of our pages, can therefore turn for refresh 
 ment to the comicalities of the etcher, and excuse 
 the dulness perpetrated by the pen, in laughing 
 over the quaint characteristics embodied by our 
 American Cruikshank. 
 
 Trusting that some portion of the Charcoal 
 Sketches may be well received, they are now com 
 mitted to the reader. If he will not smile, the 
 writer has laboured in vain; and if he frown, 
 there is no remedy but submission. To avoid mis 
 take, however, and to borrow a hint from the 
 familiar story of the painter who was advised to 
 place beneath his pictures the name of the object 
 he wished to represent, it may not be amiss to 
 state that these productions involve a design upon 
 the risibles of the "pensive public." Should there 
 be a failure in our deep intent, it adds another to 
 the long list of cases wherein the will has been 
 unable to achieve the deed. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 OLYMPUS PUMP ; OR, THE POETIC TEMPERAME>T 7 
 
 Tis ONLY MY HUSBAND ..... 16 
 
 ORSON DABBS, THE HITTITE - - - - 31 
 
 ROCKY SMALT; OR, THE DANGERS OF IMITATION - 39 
 UNDEVELOPED GENIUS. A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF P. 
 
 PlLGARLICK PlGWIGGEN, ESQ. - 50 
 
 THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE \VoRLD ... 60 
 
 A PAIR OF SLIPPERS ; OR, FALLING WEATHER - 70 
 
 INDECISION. DUBERLY DOUBTINGTON, THE MAN WHO 
 
 COULDN T MAKE UP HIS MIND 79 
 
 DILLY JONES ; OR, THE PROGRESS OF IMPROVEMENT 93 
 
 THE FLESHY ONE - - 100 
 
 GARDEN THEATRICALS ------ 114 
 
 PETER BRUSH, THE GREAT USED UP - - - - 130 
 
 Music MAD ; OR, THE MELOMAMAC ... 142 
 
 RIPTON RUMSEY ; A TALE OF THE WATERS - - 155 
 
 A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW ; OR, THE DECLINE AND FALL 
 
 OF TIPPLETON TIPPS - - - - - -163 
 
 GAMALIEL GAMBRIL ; OR, DOMESTIC UNEASINESS - 183 
 
 THE CROOKED DISCIPLE ; OR, THE PRIDE OF MUSCLE 194 
 
 FYDGET FYXINGTON .-..-- 207 
 
 5 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 PAGB 
 
 Olympus Pump /act ng title-page. 
 
 The Best-natured Man in the World 66 
 
 The Fleshy One 110 
 
 Ripton Rumsey 158 
 
CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 OLYMPUS PUMP; 
 OR, THE POETIC TEMPERAMENT. 
 
 IT is said that poetry is on the decline, and that as man 
 surrounds himself with a^tinc jal comforts.-, and devotes 
 his energies to purposes of practical utility, the sphere of 
 imagination becomes ctfcumse nkeel, znA \Ke worship of 
 the Muses is neglected. We are somewhat disposed to 
 assent to this conclusion ; the more from having remarked 
 the fact that the true poetic temperament is not so fre 
 quently met with as it was a few years since, and that 
 the outward marks of genius daily become more rare. 
 Where the indications no longer exist, or where they 
 gradually disappear, it is but fair to conclude that the 
 thing itself is perishing. There are, it is true, many de 
 lightful versifiers at the present moment, but we fear that 
 though they display partial evidences of inspiration upon 
 paper, the scintillations are deceptive. Their conduct 
 seldom exhibits sufficient proof that they are touched 
 with the celestial fire, to justify the public in regarding 
 them as the genuine article. Judging from the rules 
 formerly considered absolute upon this point, it is alto 
 gether preposterous for your happy, well-behaved, well- 
 dressed, smoothly-shaved gentleman, who pays his debts, 
 
 7 
 
8 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and submits quietly to the laws framed for the govern 
 ment of the uninspired part of society, to arrogate to 
 himself a place in the first rank of the sons of genius, 
 whatever may be his merits with the gray goose quill. 
 There is something defective about him. The divine 
 afflatus has been denied, and though he may flap his 
 wings, and soar as high as the house-tops, no one can 
 think him capable of cleaving the clouds, and of playing 
 hide and seek among the stars. Even if he were to do 
 so, the spectator would either believe that his eyes de 
 ceived him, or that the successful flight was accidental, 
 and owing rather to a temporary density of the atmo 
 sphere than to a strength of pinion. 
 
 The true poetic temperament of the old school is a gift 
 as fatal, as that d-f being- a&le tp^si ng a good song is to a 
 youth with whom the exercise of the vocal organ is not 
 a profess&oii.V elV .was ^ a?td ;to; ;a certain extent is an 
 axiom, that an analogy almost perfect exists between the 
 poet and the dolphin. To exhibit their beautiful hues they 
 must both be on the broad road to destruction. We are 
 fully aware that it has been supposed by sceptical spirits 
 that there is some confusion of cause and effect in arriv 
 ing at this conclusion, that there is no sufficient reason 
 that genius should be a bad citizen. The existence of 
 an irresistible impulse to break the shackles of conven 
 tionalism has been doubted by the heterodox. They de 
 clare that a disposition to do so is felt by most men, and 
 that aberrations are indulged in, partly from a principle 
 of imitation, because certain shining lights have thought 
 proper to render themselves as conspicuous for their ec 
 centricities as for their genius, and chiefly from a belief 
 that society expects such wanderings, and regards them 
 with lenity. But analysis is not our forte, even if we 
 were disposed to cavil at such convenient things as 
 
OLYMPUS PUMP. 9 
 
 lumping generalities. Your inquiring philosophers are 
 troublesome fellows, and while we content ourselves 
 with the bare fact, let them seek rerum cognoscere 
 causas. 
 
 It is, however, a satisfaction to know that the full- 
 blooded merino is not yet quite extinct. Olympus Pump 
 is the personification of the temperament of which we 
 speak. Had there been a little less of the divine essence 
 of poesy mingled with the clay of which he is composed, 
 it would have been better for him. The crockery of his 
 moral constitution would have been the more adapted to 
 the household uses of this kitchen world. But Pump 
 delights in being the pure porcelain, and would scorn the 
 admixture of that base alloy, which, while it might render 
 him more useful, would diminish his ornamental quali 
 ties. He proudly feels that he was intended to be a 
 mantel embellishment to bear bouquets, not a mere 
 utensil for the scullery ; and that he is not now fulfilling 
 his destiny, arises solely from the envy and uncharitable- 
 ness of those gross and malignant spirits with which the 
 world abounds. Occupied continually in his mental 
 laboratory, fabricating articles which he finds unsaleable, 
 and sometimes stimulating his faculties with draughts 
 of Scheidam, the " true Hippocrene," he slips from 
 station to station, like a child tumbling down stairs ; and 
 now, having arrived at the lowest round of fortune s lad 
 der, he believes it was envy that tugged at his coat tails, 
 and caused his descent, and that the human race are a 
 vast band of conspirators. There are no MaBcenases in 
 these modern times to help those who will not help them 
 selves ; no, not even a Capel Lofft, to cheer the Pumps 
 of the nineteenth century. No kindly arm toils at the 
 handle : and if he flows, each Pump must pump for 
 t himself. Such, at least, is the conclusion at which Olym- 
 
10 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 pus has arrived, and he has melancholy reasons for be 
 lieving that in his instance he is correct. Thus, while 
 his mind is clothing its varied fancies in rich attire, and 
 his exulting spirit is gambolling and luxuriating in the 
 clover and timothy of imagination s wide domain, or 
 drinking fairy Champagne and eating canvass-back ducks 
 in air-drawn palaces, his outward man is too frequently 
 enduring the sad reverse of these unreal delights. He 
 may often be seen, when the weather is cold, leaning his 
 back against a post on the sunny side of the street ; his 
 hands, for lack of coin, filling his roomy pockets ; his 
 curious toes peeping out at crannies to see the world ; 
 an indulgence extended to them by few but the Pump 
 family; and his elbows and knees following the example 
 of his lower extremities. Distress, deep thought, or 
 some other potent cause has transplanted the roses from 
 the garden of his cheek to that no longer sterile promon 
 tory his nose, while his chin shows just such a stubble 
 as would be invaluable for the polishing brush of a boot 
 black. 
 
 But luckily the poetic temperament has its compensa 
 tions. When not too much depressed, Olympus Pump has 
 a world of his own within his cranium ; a world which 
 should be a model for that without, a world in which 
 there is nothing to do, and every thing to get for the ask 
 ing. If in his periods of intellectual abstraction, the 
 external atmosphere should nip his frame, the high price 
 of coal affects him not. In the palace of the mind, fuel 
 costs nothing, and he can there toast himself brown free 
 of expense. Does he desire a tea-party ? the guests 
 are in his noddle at his call, willing to stay, or ready to 
 depart, at his command, without " standing on the order 
 of their going;" and the imagined tables groan with 
 viands which wealth might exhaust itself to procure. 
 
OLYMPUS PUMP. 11 
 
 Does he require sweet music ? the poetic fancy can 
 perform an opera, or manufacture hosts of Frank John 
 sons in the twinkling of an eye ; and the celestial crea 
 tures, who waltz and galope in the spacious salons of his 
 brain-pan, are endowed with loveliness which reality 
 can never parallel. 
 
 "With such advantages , Pump, much as he grumbles, 
 would not exchange the coruscations of his genius, which 
 flicker and flare like the aurora borealis, for a " whole 
 wilderness" of comfort, if it were necessary that he should 
 entertain dull, plodding thoughts, and make himself 
 " generally useful." Can he not, while he warms his 
 fingers at the fire of imagination, darn his stockings and 
 patch his clothes with the needle of his wit ; wash his 
 linen and his countenance in the waters of Helicon ; and, 
 sitting on the peak of Parnassus, devour imaginary fried 
 oysters with Apollo and the Muses ? 
 
 But either " wool gathering" is not very profitable, or 
 else the envy of which Pump complains is stronger 
 than ever ; for not long since, after much poetic idleness, 
 and a protracted frolic, he was seen, in the witching time 
 of night, sitting on a stall in the new market house, for 
 the very sufficient reason that he did not exactly know 
 where else lodging proportioned to the state of his fiscal 
 department could be found. He spoke : 
 
 " How blue ! how darkly, deeply, beautifully blue ! 
 not me myself, but the expanse of ether. The stars 
 wink through the curtain of the air, like a fond mother 
 to her drowsy child, as much as to say hush-a-by-baby 
 to a wearied world. In the moon s mild rays even the 
 crags of care like sweet rock-candy shine. Night is a 
 Carthagenian Hannibal to sorrow, melting its Alpine 
 steeps, whilst buried hope pops up revived and cracks 
 its rosy shins. Day may serve to light sordid man to 
 
12 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 his labours ; it may be serviceable to let calabashes and 
 squashes see how to grow ; but the poetic soul sparkles 
 beneath the stars. Genius never feels its oats until 
 after sunset ; twilight applies the spanner to the fireplug 
 of fancy to give its bubbling fountains way ; and mid 
 night lifts the sluices for the cataracts of the heart, and 
 cries, * Pass on the water ! Yes, and economically con 
 sidered, night is this world s Spanish cloak ; for no mat 
 ter how dilapidated or festooned one s apparel may be, 
 the loops and windows cannot be discovered, and we 
 look as elegant and as beautiful as get out. Ah !" con 
 tinued Pump, as he gracefully reclined upon the stall, 
 " it s really astonishing how rich I am in the idea line 
 to-night. But it s no use. I ve got no pencil -not even 
 a piece of chalk to write em on my hat for my next 
 poem. It s a great pity ideas are so much of the soap- 
 bubble order, that you can t tie em up in a pocket hand 
 kerchief, like a half peck of potatoes, or string em on a 
 stick like catfish. I often have the most beautiful notions 
 scampering through my head with the grace, but alas ! 
 the swiftness too, of kittens especially just before I get 
 asleep but they re all lost for the want of a trap ; an 
 intellectual figgery four. I wish we could find out the 
 way of sprinkling salt on their tails, and make em wait 
 till we want to use em. Why can t some of the meaner 
 souls invent an idea catcher for the use of genius ? I m 
 sure they d find it profitable, for I wouldn t mind owing 
 a man twenty dollars for one myself. Oh, for an idea 
 catcher!" 
 
 Owen Glendower failed in calling up spirits, but the 
 eloquence of Pump was more efficacious. In the heavy 
 shadow of a neighbouring pile of goods a dark mass ap 
 peared to detach itself, as if a portion of the gloom had 
 suddenly become animated. It stepped forth in the 
 
OLYMPUS PUMP. 13 
 
 likeness of a man, mysteriously wrapped up, whose eyes 
 glared fiercely, and with a sinister aspect, as he advanced 
 towards the poet. Pump stared in silence he felt like 
 an idea, and as if the catcher were close at hand, ready to 
 pounce upon it. " Catching the idea" for once seemed a 
 disagreeable operation. The parties confronted each other 
 for a time without saying a word. A cloud hurrying 
 across the moon lent additional terror to the scene, and 
 the unknown, to Pump s astonished vision, appeared to 
 swell to a supernatural size. The stranger, at last, 
 waved his arm, hemmed thrice, and in the deep, deci 
 sive tones of one used to command, said : 
 
 " It s not a new case it s been decided frequent. 
 It s clearly agin the ordination made and provided, and 
 it s likewise agin the act" 
 
 "Ah me! what act?" ejaculated the astonished 
 Pump. 
 
 " To fetch yourself to anchor on the stalls. It isn t 
 what the law considers pooty behaviour, and no gem- 
 man would be cotched at it. To put the case, now, 
 would it be genteel for a man to set on the table at 
 dinner-time? Loafing on the stalls is jist as bad as 
 rolling among the dishes." 
 
 " Oh, is that all ? I m immersed in poetic conceptions ; 
 I m holding sweet communion with my own desolate 
 affections. Leave me, leave me to the luxuriance of 
 imagination ; suffer me, as it were, to stray through the 
 glittering realms of fancy." 
 
 " What ! on a mutton butcher s shambles ? Bless you, 
 I can t think of it for a moment. My notions is rigid, 
 and if I was to find my own daddy here, I d rouse him 
 out. You must tortle off, as fast as you kin. If your 
 tongue wasn t so thick, I d say you must mosey ; but 
 moseying is only to be done when a gemman s half shot ; 
 2 
 
14 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 when they re gone cases, we don t expect em to do 
 more nor tortle." 
 
 " Excuse me I don t see that it makes much differ 
 ence to you whether I am qualified to mosey, or am 
 only capable of the more dignified method of locomotion, 
 which you call to tortle. But don t disturb me. The 
 moon has resuscitated my fancy, and I feel as if I would 
 shortly compose an ode to Nox and Erebus." 
 
 " Compose what s owed to Messrs. Nox and Erebus ! 
 Yes, I thought you were one of that sort what makes 
 compositions when they owe any thing. Precious little 
 Nox and Erebus will get out of you. But come, hop 
 the twig !" So saying, the relentless guardian of the 
 night seized the hapless Pump by the collar, and began to 
 remove him. 
 
 " Now, don t don t be gross and muscular. I m an 
 oppressed man, with no friend but my coat, and both 
 my coat and myself are remarkable for fragility of con 
 stitution. We are free souls, vibrating on the breath of 
 the circumambient atmosphere, and by long companion 
 ship, our sympathies are so perfect, that if you pull hard 
 you ll produce a pair of catastrophes ; while you tear the 
 one, you ll discombobberate the nerves of the other." 
 
 " Well, I m be blamed !" said the watch, recoiling, 
 " did you ever hear the likes of that ? Why, aunty, ain t 
 you a noncompusser ?" 
 
 " I m a poet, and it s my fate not to be understood 
 either by the world in general, or by Charleys in parti 
 cular. The one knocks us down, and the others 
 take us up. Between the two, we are knocked about 
 like a ball, until we become unravelled, and perish." 
 
 " I don t want to play shinney with you, no how 
 why don t you go home ?" 
 
 * The bottle is empty ; the bill unpaid ; landlords are 
 
OLYMPUS PUMP. 15 
 
 vulgar realities mere matters of fact and very apt to 
 vituperate." 
 
 " Well, it s easy enough to work, get money, fill the 
 bottle, and pay the gemman what you owes him." 
 
 " I tell you again you can t understand the poetic soul. 
 It cannot endure the scorn and contumelies of the earthly. 
 It cannot submit to toil under a taskmaster, and when 
 weaving silver tissues of romance, be told to jump about 
 spry and ? tend the shop. Nor, when it meets congenial 
 spirits, can it leave the festive board, because the door is 
 to be locked at ten o clock, and there isn t any dead latch 
 to it. The delicate excesses into which it leads us, to 
 repair the exhaustion of hard thought, compel us to 
 sojourn long in bed, and even that is registered by fip- 
 and-levy boobies as a sin. At the present moment, I am 
 falling a victim to these manifold oppressions of the un- 
 intellectual." 
 
 " Under the circumstances, then, what do you say to 
 being tuck up?" 
 
 "Is it optional?" 
 
 " I don t know ; but it s fineable, and that s as good." 
 
 " Then I decline the honour." 
 
 " No, you don t. I only axed out of manners. You 
 must rise up, William Riley, and come along with me, 
 as the song says." 
 
 " I suppose I must, whether I like the figure or not. 
 Alack, and alas for the poetic temperament ! Must the 
 jEolian harp of genius be so rudely swept by a Charley 
 must that harp, as I may say, play mere banjo jigs, when 
 it should only respond in Lydian measures to the south 
 ern breezes of palpitating imagination? To what base 
 uses" 
 
 * Hurrah ! Keep a toddling pull foot and away I" 
 
 Olympus obeyed ; for who can control his fate ? 
 
TIS ONLY MY HUSBAND.* 
 
 " GOODNESS, Mrs. Pumpilion, it s a gentleman s voice, 
 and me such a figure !" exclaimed Miss Amanda Corn- 
 top, who had just arrived in town to visit her friend, 
 Mrs. Pumpilion, whom she had not seen since her mar 
 riage. 
 
 " Don t disturb yourself, dear," said Mrs. Pumpilion, 
 quietly, " it s nobody tis only my husband. He ll 
 not come in ; but if he does, tis only my husband." 
 
 So Miss Amanda Corntop was comforted, and her 
 agitated arrangements before the glass being more coolly 
 completed, she resumed her seat and the interrupted con 
 versation. Although, as a spinster, she had a laudable 
 and natural unwillingness to be seen by any of the mas 
 culine gender in that condition so graphically described 
 as " such a figure," yet there are degrees in this unwill 
 ingness. It is by no means so painful to be caught a 
 figure by a married man as it is to be surprised by a 
 youthful bachelor; and, if the former be of that peculiar 
 class known as " only my husband," his unexpected 
 arrival is of very little consequence. He can never 
 more, "like an eagle in a dove cote, flutter the Volsces." 
 
 * It may not be amiss to state that the mere conclusion of the 
 above sketch, hastily thrown off by the same pen, appeared in one 
 of our periodicals a few years ago, and, much mutilated and dis 
 figured, has since been republished in the newspapers, with an erro 
 neous credit, and under a different name. 
 
17 
 
 It is, therefore, evident that there exists a material differ 
 ence between " my husband" and " only my husband;" 
 a difference not easily expressed, though perfectly un 
 derstood ; and it was that understanding which restored 
 Miss Amanda Corntop to her pristine tranquillity. 
 
 "Oh!" said Miss Corntop, when she heard that the 
 voice in question was that of Mr. Pumpilion. "Ah !" 
 added Miss Corntop, intelligently and composedly, when 
 she understood that Pumpilion was " only my hus 
 band." She had not paid much attention to philology, 
 but she was perfectly aware of the value of that diminu 
 tive prefix "only." 
 
 " I told you he would not come in, for he knew there 
 was some one here," continued Mrs. Pumpilion, as the 
 spiritless footsteps of " only my husband" passed the 
 door, and slowly plodded up stairs. He neither came 
 in, nor did he hum, whistle, or bound three steps at a 
 time; "only my husband" never does. He is simply a 
 transportation line ; he conveys himself from place to 
 place according to order, and indulges not in episodes 
 and embellishments. 
 
 Poor Pedrigo Pumpilion ! Have all thy glories shrunk 
 to this little measure ? Only my husband ! Does that 
 appellation circumscribe him who once found three 
 chairs barely sufficient to accommodate his frame, and 
 who, in promenading, never skulked to the curb or 
 hugged the wall, but, like a man who justly appreciated 
 himself, took the very middle of the trottoir, and kept it ? 
 
 The amiable, but now defunct, Mrs. Anguish was 
 never sure that she was perfectly well, until she had 
 shaken her pretty head to ascertain if some disorder were 
 not lying in ambush, and to discover whether a head 
 ache were not latent there, which, if not nipped in the 
 bud, might be suddenly and inconveniently brought into 
 2* 
 
18 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 action. It is not too much to infer that the same reason 
 ing, which applies to headaches and to the physical con 
 stitution, may be of equal force in reference to the moral 
 organization. Headaches being latent, it is natural to 
 suppose that the disposition to be " only my husband" 
 may likewise be latent, even in him who is now as fierce 
 and as uncontrollable as a volcano ; while the desire to be 
 "head of the bureau" may slumber in the mildest of the 
 fair. It is by circumstance alone that talent is developed ; 
 the razor itself requires extraneous aid to bring it to an 
 edge ; and the tact to give direction, as well as the faci 
 lity to obey, wait to be elicited by events. Both grey- 
 mareism and Jerry-Sneakery are sometimes latent, and 
 like the derangements of Mrs. Anguish s caput, only 
 want shaking to manifest themselves. If some are born 
 to command, others must certainly have a genius for sub 
 mission we term it a genius, submission being in many 
 cases rather a difficult thing. 
 
 That this division of qualities is full of wisdom, none 
 can deny. It requires both flint and steel to produce a 
 spark ; both powder and ball to do execution ; and, 
 though the Chinese contrive to gobble an infinity of rice 
 with chopsticks, yet the twofold operation of knife and 
 fork conduces much more to the comfort of a dinner. 
 Authority and obedience are the knife and fork of this 
 extensive banquet, the world ; they are the true divide 
 et impcra ; that which is sliced off by the one is har 
 pooned by the other. 
 
 In this distribution, however, nature, when the " la- 
 tents" are made apparent, very frequently seems to act 
 with caprice. It is by no means rare to find in the form 
 of a man, a tirnid, retiring, feminine disposition, which, 
 in the rough encounters of existence, gives way at once, 
 as if, like woman, " born to be controlled." The proper- 
 
TIS ONLY MY HUSBAND. 19 
 
 tions of a Hercules, valenced with the whiskers of a tiger, 
 often cover a heart with no more of energy and boldness 
 in its pulsations than the little palpitating affair which 
 throbs in the bosom of a maiden of bashful fifteen ; 
 while many a lady fair, before marriage the latent 
 condition all softness and graceful humility, bears 
 within her breast the fiery resolution and the indo 
 mitable will of an Alexander, a Hannibal, or a Doctor 
 Francia. The temperament which, had she been a 
 man, would, in an extended field, have made her a con 
 queror of nations, or, in a more contracted one, a dis 
 tinguished thief-catching police officer, by being lodged 
 in a female frame renders her a Xantippe a Napoleon 
 of the fireside, and pens her hapless mate, like a con 
 quered king, a spiritless captive in his own chimney 
 corner. 
 
 But it is plain to be seen that this apparent confusion 
 lies only in the distribution. There are souls enough of 
 all kinds in the world, but they do not always seem pro 
 perly fitted with bodies ; and thus a corporal construc 
 tion may run the course of life actuated by a spirit in 
 every respect opposed to its capabilities ; as at the 
 breaking up of a crowded soiree, a little head waggles 
 home with an immense castor, while a pumpkin pate 
 sallies forth surmounted by a thimble ; which, we take 
 it, is the only philosophical theory which at all accounts 
 for the frequent acting out of character with which 
 society is replete. 
 
 Hence arises the situation of affairs with the Pumpi- 
 lions. Pedrigo Pumpilion has the soul which legitimate 
 ly appertains 10 his beloved Seraphina Serena, while 
 Seraphina Serena Pumpilion has that which should 
 animate her Pedrigo. But, not being profound in their 
 researches, they are probably not aware of the fact, and 
 
20 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 perhaps would not know their own souls if they were to 
 meet them in the street ; although, in all likelihood, it 
 was a mysterious sympathy a yearning of each physi 
 cal individuality to be near so important a part of itself, 
 which brought this worthy pair together. 
 
 Be that, however, as it may, it is an incontrovertible 
 fact that, before they did come together, Pedrigo Pumpi- 
 lion thought himself quite a model of humanity ; and 
 piqued himself upon possessing much more of the 
 fortiter in re than of the suaviter in mo do a mistake, 
 the latter quality being latent, but abundant. He dreamed 
 that he was brimming with valour, and fit, not only to 
 lead squadrons to the field, but likewise to remain with 
 them when they were there. At the sound of drums and 
 trumpets, he perked up his chin, stuck out his breast, 
 straightened his vertebral column, and believed that he, 
 Pedrigo, was precisely the individual to storm a fortress 
 at the head of a forlorn hope a greater mistake. But 
 the greatest error of the whole troop of blunders was his 
 making a Purnpilion of Miss Seraphina Serena Dolce, 
 with the decided impression that he was, while sharing 
 his kingdom, to remain supreme in authority. Knowing 
 nothing of the theory already broached, he took her for 
 a feminine feminality, and yielded himself a victim to 
 sympathy and the general welfare. Now, in this, strict 
 ly considered, Pedrigo had none but himself to blame ; 
 he had seen manifestations of her spirit ; the latent energy 
 had peeped out more than once ; he had entered unexpect 
 edly, before being installed as " only my husband," and 
 found Miss Seraphina dancing the grand rigadoon on a 
 luckless bonnet which did not suit her fancy, a species 
 of exercise whereat he marvelled ; and he had likewise 
 witnessed her performance of the remarkable feat of 
 whirling a cat, which had scratched her hand, across the 
 
21 
 
 room by the tail, whereby the mirror was infinitesimally 
 divided into homoeopathic doses, and whereby pussy, the 
 patient, was most allopathically phlebotomised and scari 
 fied. He likewise knew that her musical education ter 
 minated in an operatic crash, the lady having in a fit of 
 impatience demolished the guitar over the head of her 
 teacher ; but, in this instance, the mitigating plea must 
 be allowed that it was done because the instrument 
 " wouldn t play good," a perversity to which instru 
 ments, like lessons " which won t learn," are lament 
 ably liable. 
 
 These little escapades, however, did not deter Pum- 
 pilion. Confiding in his own talent for governing, he 
 liked his Seraphina none the less for her accidental dis 
 plays of energy, and smiled to think how, under his 
 administration, his reproving frown would cast oil upon 
 the waves, and how, as he repressed her irritability, he 
 would develope her affections, results which would both 
 save the crockery and increase his comforts. 
 
 Of the Pumpilion tactique in courtship some idea may 
 be formed from the following conversation. Pedrigo 
 had an intimate associate, some years his senior, Mr. 
 Michael Mitts, a spare and emaciated bachelor, whose 
 hawk nose, crookedly set on, well represented the eccen 
 tricity of his conclusions, while the whistling pucker in 
 which he generally wore his mouth betokened acidity 
 of mind rendered sourer by indecision. Mitts was ad 
 dicted to observation, and, engaged in the drawing of 
 inferences and in generalizing from individual instances, 
 he had, like many others, while trimming the safety 
 lamp of experience, suffered the time of action to pass 
 by unimproved. His cautiousness was so great as to 
 trammel up his " motive power," and, though long in 
 tending to marry, the best part of his life had evaporated 
 
22 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 in the unproductive employment of "looking about." 
 His experience, therefore, had stored him with that 
 species of wisdom which one meets with in theoretical 
 wooers, and he had many learned saws at the ser 
 vice of those who were bolder than himself, and 
 were determined to enter the pale through which he 
 peeped. 
 
 As every one in love must have a confidant, Pedrigo 
 had selected Mitts for that office, knowing his peculiar 
 talent for giving advice, and laying down rules for others 
 to act upon. 
 
 " Pedrigo," said Mitts, as he flexed his nose still further 
 from the right line of conformity to the usages of the 
 world, and slacked the drawing strings of his mouth to 
 get it out of pucker ; " Pedrigo, if you are resolved upon 
 marrying this identical individual I don t see the use, for 
 my part, of being in a hurry better look about a while ; 
 plenty more of em but if you are resolved, the first 
 thing to be done is to make sure of her. That s unde 
 niable. The only difference of opinion, if you won t 
 wait and study character character s a noble study 
 is as to the modus operandi. Now, the lady s not sure 
 because she s committed; just the contrary, that s the 
 very reason she s not sure. My experience shows me 
 that when it s not so easy to retract, the attention, 
 especially that of young women, is drawn to retrac 
 tion. Somebody tells of a bird in a cage that grumbled 
 about being cooped up. It s clear to me that the bird 
 did not complain so much because it was in the cage, as 
 it did because it couldn t get out that s bird nature, and 
 it s human nature too." 
 
 " Ah, indeed !" responded Pumpilion, with a smile of 
 confidence in his own attractions, mingled, however, 
 with a look which spoke that the philosophy of Mitts, 
 
TIS ONLY MY HUSBAND. 23 
 
 having for its object to render " assurance double sure,* 
 did not pass altogether unheeded. 
 
 " It s a fact," added Mitts ; " don t be too secure. 
 Be as assiduous and as mellifluous as you please before 
 your divinity owns the soft impeachment ; but afterwards 
 comes the second stage, and policy commands that it 
 should be one rather of anxiety to her. You must 
 every now and then play Captain Grand, or else she 
 may perform the part herself. Take offence frequently ; 
 vary your Romeo scenes with an occasional touch of the 
 snow storm, and afterwards excuse yourself on the score 
 of jealous affection ; that excuse always answers. No 
 thing sharpens love like a smart tiff by way of embellish 
 ment. The sun itself would not look so bright if it were 
 not for the intervention of night ; and these little agita 
 tions keep her mind tremulous, but intent upon yourself. 
 Don t mothers always love the naughtiest boys best? 
 haven t the worst men always the best wives ? That 
 exemplifies the principle ; there s nothing like a little 
 judicious bother. Miss Seraphina Serena will never 
 change her mind if bothered scientifically." 
 
 " Perhaps so; but may it not be rather dangerous?" 
 " Dangerous ! not at all ; it s regular practice, I tell 
 you. A few cases may terminate unluckily ; but that must 
 be charged to a bungle in the doctor. Why, properly 
 managed, a courtship may be continued, like a nervous 
 disease, or a suit at law, for twenty years, and be as 
 good at the close as it was at the beginning. In nine 
 cases out of ten, you must either perplex or be perplexed ; 
 so you had better take the sure course, and play the 
 game yourself. Them s my sentiments, Mr. Speaker," 
 and Michael Mitts caused his lithe proboscis to oscillate 
 like a rudder, as he concluded his oracular speech, and 
 puckered his mouth to the whistling place to show that 
 
24 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 he had "shut up" for the present. He then walked 
 slowly away, leaving Pumpilion with a " new wrin 
 kle." 
 
 Seraphina Serena, being both fiery and coquettish 
 withal, Pumpilion, under the direction of his preceptor, 
 tried the " Mitts system of wooing," and although it 
 gave rise to frequent explosions, yet the quarrels, whether 
 owing to the correctness of the system or not, were pro 
 ductive of no lasting evil. Michael Mitts twirled his 
 nose and twisted his mouth in triumph at the wedding ; 
 and set it down as an axiom that there is nothing like a 
 little insecurity for rendering parties firm in completing 
 a bargain ; that, had it not been for practising the system, 
 Pumpilion might have become alarmed at the indications 
 of the "latent spirit;" and that, had it not been for the 
 practice of the system, Seraphina s fancy might have 
 strayed. 
 
 "I m an experimenter in mental operations, and there s 
 no lack of subjects," said Mitts to himself; "one fact 
 being established, the Pu.npilions now present a new 
 aspect." 
 
 There is, however, all the difference in the world 
 between carrying on warfare where you may advance 
 and retire at pleasure, and in prosecuting it in situations 
 which admit of no retreat. Partisan hostilities are one 
 thing, and regular warfare is another. Pumpilion was 
 very well as a guerilla, but his genius in that respect 
 was unavailing when the nature of the campaign did hot 
 admit of his making an occasional demonstration, and of 
 evading the immediate consequences by a retreat. In a 
 very few weeks, he was reduced to the ranks as " only 
 my husband," and, although no direct order of the day 
 was read to that effect, he was "respected accordingly." 
 Before that retrograde promotion took place, Pedrigo 
 
TIS ONLY MY HUSBAND. 25 
 
 Pumpilion cultivated his hair, and encouraged its sneaking 
 inclination to curl until it woollied up quite fiercely ; but 
 cner wards his locks became broken-heartedly pendent, 
 and straight with the weight of care, while his whiskers 
 hunor back as if asking counsel and comfort from his 
 ears. He twiddled his thumbs with a slow rotary motion 
 as he sat, and he carried his hands clasped behind him 
 as he walked, thus intimating that he couldn t help it, 
 and that he didn t mean to try. For the same reason, 
 he never buttoned his coat, and wore no straps to the 
 feet of his, trousers ; both of which seemed too energeti 
 cally resolute for " only my husband. Even his hat, 
 as it sat on the back part of his head, looked as if Mrs. 
 Pumpilion had put it on for him, (no one but the wearer 
 can put on a hat so that it will sit naturally,) and as if he 
 had not nerve enough even to shake it down to its charac 
 teristic place and physiognomical expression. His per 
 sonnel loudly proclaimed that the Mitts method in matri 
 mony had been a failure, and that the Queen had given 
 the King a check-mate. Mrs. Pumpilion had been 
 triumphant in acting upon the advice of her friend, the 
 widow, who, having the advantage of Mitts in combining 
 experience with theory, understood the art of breaking 
 husbands a merveille. 
 
 " My dear madam," said Mrs. Margery Daw, " you 
 have plenty of spirit ; but spirit is nothing without stead 
 iness and perseverance. In the establishment of author 
 ity and in the assertion of one s rights, any intermission 
 before success is complete requires us to begin again. 
 If your talent leads you to the weeping method of soft 
 ening your husband s heart, you will find that if you ffive 
 him a shower now and a shower then, he will harden in 
 the intervals between the rain ; while a good sullen cry 
 of twenty-four hours length may prevent any necessity 
 
 3 
 
26 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 for another. If, on the contrary, you have genius for 
 the tempestuous, continued thunder and lightning for the 
 same length of time is irresistible. Gentlemen are great 
 swaggerers, if not impressively dealt with and early 
 taught to know their places. They are much like 
 Frisk," continued the widow, addressing her lap-dog. 
 " If they bark, and you draw back frightened, they are 
 sure to bite ; stamp your foot, and they soon learn to run 
 into a corner. Don t they, Frisky dear ?" 
 
 " Ya-p !" responded the dog : and Mrs. Pumpilion, 
 tired of control, took the concurrent advice. 
 
 # * # * * 
 
 " To-morrow," said Pumpilion, carelessly and with 
 an of-course-ish air, as he returned to tea from a stroll 
 with his friend Michael Mitts, who had just been urging 
 upon him the propriety of continuing the Mitts method 
 after marriage, " to-morrow, my love, I leave town for 
 a week to try a little trout fishing in the mountains." 
 
 "Mr. Pumpilion!" ejaculated the lady, in an awful 
 tone, as she suddenly faced him. " Fishing?" 
 
 " Y-e-e-yes," replied Pumpilion, somewhat discom 
 posed. 
 
 "Then I shall go with you, Mr. Pumpilion," said 
 the lady, as she emphatically split a muffin. 
 
 " Quite onpossible," returned Pumpilion, with decisive 
 stress upon the first syllable ; " it s a buck party, if 
 I may use the expression a buck party entirely ; 
 there s Mike Mitts, funny Joe Mungoozle son of old 
 Mungoozle s, Tommy Titcomb, and myself. We intend 
 having a rough and tumble among the hills to beneficial- 
 ise our wholesomes, as funny Joe Mungoozle has it." 
 
 " Funny Joe Mungoozle is not a fit companion for any 
 married man, Mr. Pumpilion ; and it s easy to see, by 
 your sliding back among the dissolute friends and disso- 
 
TIS ONLY MY HUSBAND. 27 
 
 lute practices of your bachelorship, Mr. Purnpilion by 
 your wish to associate with sneering and depraved Mun- 
 goozles, Mitts s, and Titcombs, Mr. Pumpilion, that the 
 society of your poor wife is losing its attractions," and 
 Mrs. Pumpilion sobbed convulsively at the thought. 
 
 " I have given my word to go a fishing," replied 
 Pedrigo, rather ruefully, " and a fishing I must go. 
 What would Mungoozle say ? why, he would have a 
 song about it, and sing it at the * free and easies. " 
 
 " What matter ? let him say let him sing. But it s 
 not my observations it s those of funny Joe Mungoozle 
 that you care for the affections of the * free and easy 
 carousers that you are afraid of losing." 
 
 "Mungoozle is a very particular friend of mine, Sera- 
 phina," replied Pedrigo, rather nettled. " We re going 
 a fishing that s flat !" 
 
 " Without me ?" 
 
 " Without you, it being a buck party, without excep 
 tion." 
 
 Mrs. Pumpilion gave a shriek, and falling back, threw 
 out her arms fitfully the tea-pot went by the board, as 
 she made the tragic movement. 
 
 " Wretched, unhappy woman !" gasped Mrs. Pumpi 
 lion, speaking of herself. 
 
 Pedrigo did not respond to the declaration, but alter 
 nately eyed the fragments of the tea-pot and the un 
 touched muffin which remained on his plate. The coup 
 had not been without its effect ; but still he faintly whis 
 pered, " Funny Joe Mungoozle, and going a fishing." 
 
 " It s clear you wish to kill me to break my heart," 
 muttered the lady in a spasmodic manner. 
 
 " Pon my soul, I don t I m only going a fishing." 
 
 " I shall go distracted !" screamed Mrs. Pumpilion, 
 suiting the action to the word, and springing to her feet 
 
28 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 in such a way as to upset the table, and roll its contents 
 into Pedrigo s lap, who scrambled from the debris, as 
 his wife, with the air of the Pythoness, swept rapidly 
 round the room, whirling the ornaments to the floor, and 
 indulging in the grand rigadoon upon their sad remains. 
 
 " You no longer love me, Pedrigo ; and without your 
 love what is life ? What is this, or this, or this," con 
 tinued she, a crash following every word, " without mu 
 tual affection ? Going a fishing !" 
 
 " 1 don t know that I am," whined Pumpilion, "Per 
 haps it will rain to-morrow." 
 
 Now it so happened that there were no clouds visible 
 on the occasion, except in the domestic atmosphere ; but, 
 the rain was adroitly thrown in as a white flag, indica 
 tive of a wish to open a negotiation and come to terms. 
 Mrs. Pumpilion, however, understood the art of war bet 
 ter than to treat with rebels with arms in their hands. 
 Her military genius, no longer " latent," whispered her 
 to persevere until she obtained a surrender at discretion. 
 
 " Ah, Pedrigo, you only say that to deceive your 
 heart-broken wife. You intend to slip away you and 
 your Mungoozles to pass your hours in roaring ini 
 quity, instead of enjoying the calm sunshine of domestic 
 peace, and the gentle delights of fireside felicity. They 
 are too tame, too flat, too insipid for a depraved taste. 
 That I should ever live to see the day !" and she relapsed 
 into the intense style by way of a specimen of calm de 
 light. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Pumpilion retired for the night at an 
 early hour ; but until the dawn of day, the words of re 
 proach, now passionate, now pathetic, ceased not ; and 
 in the very gray of the morning, Mrs. P. marched down 
 stairs en dishabille, still repeating ejaculations about the 
 Mungoozle fishing party. What happened below is not 
 
29 
 
 precisely ascertained ; but there was a terrible turmoil in 
 the kitchen, it being perfectly clear a whole " kettle of 
 fish" was in preparation, that Pedrigo might not have the 
 trouble of going to the mountains on a piscatorial expe 
 dition. 
 
 He remained seated on the side of the bed, like Ma- 
 rius upon the ruins of Carthage, meditating upon the 
 situation of affairs, and balancing between a surrender to 
 petticoat government and his dread of Mongoozle s song 
 at the " free and easies." At length he slipped down. 
 Mrs. Pumpilion sat glooming at the parlour window. 
 Pedrigo tried to read the " Saturday News" upside 
 down. 
 
 " Good morning, Mr. Pumpilion ! Going a fishing, 
 Mr. Pumpilion ! Mike Mitts, funny Joe Mungoozle. and 
 Tommy Titcomb must be waiting for you you know, 
 continued she with a mocking smile, " you re to go this 
 morning to the mountains on a rough and tumble for the 
 benefit of your wholesomes. The elegance of the phra 
 seology is quite in character with the whole affair." 
 
 Pedrigo was tired out; Mrs. Margery Daw s perseve 
 rance prescription had been too much for the Mitts 
 method; the widow had overmatched the bachelor. 
 
 " No, Seraphina my dearest, I m not going a fishing, 
 if you don t desire it, and I see you don t." 
 
 Not a word about its being likely to rain the surren 
 der was unconditional. 
 
 " But," added Pedrigo, " I should like to have a little 
 breakfast." 
 
 Mrs. Pumpilion was determined to clinch the nail. 
 
 " There s to be no breakfast here I ve been talking 
 to Sally and Tommy in the kitchen, and I verily believe 
 the whole world s in a plot against me. They re gone, 
 Mr. Pumpilion gone a fishing, perhaps." 
 3* 
 
30 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 The battle was over the victory was won the nail 
 was clinched. Tealess, sleepless, breakfastless, what 
 could Pedrigo do but sue for mercy, and abandon a con 
 test waged against such hopeless odds ? The supplies 
 being cut off, the siege-worn garrison must surrender. 
 After hours of solicitation, the kiss of amity was reluct 
 antly accorded; on condition, however, that "funny Joe 
 Mungoozle" and the rest of the fishing party should be 
 given up, and that he, Pedrigo, for the future should 
 refrain from associating with bachelors and widowers, 
 both of whom she tabooed, and consort with none but 
 staid married men. 
 
 From this moment the individuality of that once free 
 agent, Pedrigo Pumpilion, was sunk into " only my hus 
 band" the humblest of all humble animals. He fetches 
 and carries, goes errands, and lugs band-boxes and bun 
 dles ; he walks the little Pumpilions up and down the 
 room when they squall o nights, and he never comes in 
 when any of his wife s distinguished friends call to visit 
 her. In truth, Pedrigo is not always in a presentable 
 condition ; for as Mrs. Pumpilion is tie facto treasurer, 
 he is kept upon rather short allowance, her wants being 
 paramount and proportioned to the dignity of head of the 
 family. But, although he is now dutiful enough, he at 
 first ventured once or twice to be refractory. These 
 symptoms of insubordination, however, were soon 
 quelled for Mrs. Pumpilion, with a significant glance, 
 inquired, 
 
 "Are you going a faking again, my dear? 11 
 
(31) 
 
 ORSON DABBS, THE HITTITE. 
 
 IT has been said, and truly, that it takes all sorts of 
 people to make a world. He who complains of the lights 
 and shades of character which are eternally flitting be 
 fore him, and of the diversity of opposing interests 
 which at times cross his path, has but an illiberal, con 
 tracted view of the subject ; and though the Emperor 
 Charles the Fifth, in his retirement at Estremadura, had 
 some reason for being a little annoyed when he could not 
 cause two or three score of watches to go together, yet 
 he was wrong in sighing over his previous ineffectual 
 efforts to make men think alike. It is, to speak figura 
 tively, the clashing which constitutes the music. The 
 harmony of the whole movement is produced by the 
 fusion into each other of an infinite variety of petty dis 
 cords ; as a glass of punch depends for its excellence upon 
 the skilful commingling of opposing flavours and antago 
 nising materials. Were the passengers in a wherry to 
 be of one mind, they would probably all sit upon the 
 same side, and hence, naturally, pay a visit to the Davy 
 Jones of the river ; and if all the men of a nation thought 
 alike, it is perfectly evident that the ship of state must 
 lose her trim. The system of checks and balances per 
 vades both the moral and the physical world, and without 
 it, affairs would soon hasten to their end. It is, therefore, 
 clear that we must have all sorts of people, some to pre 
 vent stagnation, and others to act as ballast to an excess 
 
32 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 of animation. The steam engines of humanity must have 
 their breaks and their safety valves, and the dead weights 
 of society require the whip and the spur. 
 
 Orson Dabbs certainly is entitled to a place among the 
 stimulants of the world, and it is probable that in exer 
 cising his impulses, he produces beneficial effects. But it 
 would puzzle a philosopher to designate the wholesome 
 results which follow from his turbulent movements, or 
 to show, either by synthesis or analysis, wherein he is 
 a good. At all events, Orson Dabbs has the reputation 
 of being a troublesome fellow in the circles upon which 
 he inflicts himself; and, judging from the evidence eli 
 cited upon the subject, there is little reason to doubt the 
 fact. He is dogmatical, and to a certain extent fond of 
 argument ; but when a few sharp words will not make 
 converts, he abandons those windy weapons with con 
 tempt, and has recourse to more forcible persuaders a 
 pair of fists, each of which looks like a shoulder of 
 mutton. 
 
 " If people are so obstinate that they won t, or so 
 stupid that they can t understand you," observed Dabbs, 
 in one of his confidential moments for Orson Dabbs 
 will sometimes unbend, and suffer those abstruse maxims 
 which govern his conduct to escape " if either for one 
 reason or the other," continued he, with that impressive 
 iteration which at once gives time to collect and marshal 
 one s thoughts, and lets the listener know that something 
 of moment is coming "if they won t be convinced 
 easily and genteelly convinced you must knock it into 
 em short hand ; if they can t comprehend, neither by 
 due course of mail, nor yet by express, you must make 
 em understand by telegraph. That s the way I learnt 
 ciphering at school, and manners and genteel behaviour 
 at home. All I know was walloped into me. I took 
 
ORSON DABBS, THE HITTITE. 33 
 
 larnin through the skin, and sometimes they made a good 
 many holes to get it in." 
 
 " And," timidly interjected an humble admirer of this 
 great man, hazarding a joke, with an insinuating smile ; 
 " and I s pose you re so wise now because the hide 
 growed over it, and the larnin couldn t get out, like In- 
 gey ink in a sailor s arm." 
 
 " Jeames," replied Orson Dabbs, relaxing into a grim 
 smile, like that of the griffin face of a knocker, and 
 shaking his "bunch of lives" sportively, as one snaps an 
 unloaded gun Napoleon tweaked the ears of his cour 
 tiers why should not Dabbs shake his fist at his satel 
 lites ? " Jearaes, if you don t bequit poking fun at me, 
 I ll break your mouth, Jeames, as sure as you sit there. 
 But, to talk sensible, walloping is the only way it s a 
 panacea for differences of opinion. You ll find it in his 
 tory books, that one nation teaches another what it didn t 
 know before by walloping it; that s the method of civil 
 izing savages the Romans put the whole world to rights 
 that way ; and what s right on the big figger must be 
 right on the small scale. In short, there s nothing like 
 walloping for taking the conceit out of fellows who think 
 they know more than their betters. Put it to em strong, 
 and make em see out of their eyes." 
 
 Orson Dabbs acts up to these golden maxims. Seeing 
 that, from disputes between dogs up to quarrels between 
 nations, fighting is the grand umpire and regulator, he 
 resolves all power into that of the fist, treating bribery, 
 reason, and persuasion as the means only of those 
 unfortunate individuals to whom nature has denied the 
 stronger attributes of humanity. Nay, he even turns up 
 his nose at betting as a means of discovering truth. 
 Instead of stumping an antagonist by launching out his 
 cash, Dabbs shakes a portentous fist under his nose, and 
 
34 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the affair is settled ; the recusant must either knock under 
 or be knocked down, which, according to our hero, is all 
 the same in Dutch. In this way, when politics ran 
 high, he used to decide who was to be elected to any 
 specified office ; and he has often boasted that he once, in 
 less than live minutes too, scared a man into giving the 
 Dabbs candidate a large majority, when the unfortunate 
 stranger did not at first believe that the said candidate 
 would be elected at all. 
 
 Some people believe that the fist is the poorest of 
 arguments, and that it, therefore, should be the last. 
 Here they are completely at issue with Dabbs, and it is 
 well that they do not fall in his way, or he would soon 
 show them the difference. With him it is what action 
 was to the ancient orator, the first, the middle, and the 
 last. Being himself, in a great measure, fist proof, he 
 is very successful in the good work of proselytism, and 
 has quite a reputation as a straightforward reasoner and 
 a forcible dialectitian. 
 
 - Misfortunes, however, will sometimes happen to the 
 most successful. The loftiest nose may be brought to 
 the grindstone, and the most scornful dog may be obliged 
 to lunch upon dirty pudding. Who can control his fate ? 
 One night Mr. Dabbs came home from his "loafing" 
 place for he "loafs" of an evening, like the generality 
 of people that being the most popular and the cheapest 
 amusement extant ; and, from the way he blurted open 
 the door of the Goose and Gridiron, where he resides, 
 and from the more unequivocal manner in which he slam 
 med it after him, no doubt existed in the minds of his 
 fellow boarders that the well of his good spirits had been 
 " riled ;" or, in more familiar phrase, that he was 
 " spotty on the back." His hat was pitched forward, 
 with a bloodthirsty, piratical rakishness, and almost 
 
ORSON DABBS, THE HITTITE 35 
 
 covered his eyes, which gleamed like ignited charcoal 
 under a jeweller s blowpipe. His cheeks were flushed 
 with an angry spot, and his nose always a quarrelsome 
 pug curled more fiercely upward, as if the demon wrath 
 had turned archer, and was using it for a bow to draw 
 an arrow to its head. His mouth had set in opposition 
 to his nasal promontory, and savagely curved downward, 
 like a half-moon battery. Dabbs was decidedly out of 
 sorts perhaps beery, as well as wolfy ; in short, in that 
 unenviable state in which a man feels disposed to divide 
 himself, and go to buffets to kick himself with his own 
 foot to beat himself with his own fist, and to throw his 
 own dinner out of the window. 
 
 The company were assembled round the fire to dis 
 cuss politics, literature, men, and things. Dabbs looked 
 not at them, but, slinging Tommy Timid s bull terrier 
 Oseola out of the arm-chair in the corner, by the small 
 stump of a tail which fashion and the hatchet had left the 
 animal, he sat himself moodily down, with a force that 
 made the timbers creak. The conversation was turning 
 upon a recent brilliant display of the aurora borealis, 
 which the more philosophical of the party supposed to 
 arise from the north pole having become red-hot for 
 want of grease ; while they all joined in deriding the po 
 pular fallacy that it was caused by the high price of flour. 
 
 " Humph !" said Dabbs, with a grunt, " any fool 
 might know that it was a sign of war." 
 
 " War !" ejaculated the party ; " oh, your granny !" 
 
 " Yes, war !" roared Dabbs, kicking the bull terrier 
 Oseola in the ribs, and striking the table a tremendous 
 blow with his fist, as, w r ith clenched teeth and out-poked 
 head, he repeated, " War! war ! war !" 
 
 Now the Goose and Gridiron fraternity set up for 
 knowing geniuses, and will not publicly acknowledge 
 
36 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 faith in the doctrines on meteorology broached by their 
 grandmothers, whatever they may think in private. So 
 they quietly remarked, confiding in their numbers against 
 the Orson Dabbs method of conversion, that the aurora 
 was not a sign of war, but an evidence of friction and 
 of no grease on the axle of the world. 
 
 " That s a lie !" shouted Dabbs ; " my story s the true 
 one, for I read it in an almanac ; and to prove it true, 
 I ll lick anybody here that don t believe it, in two cracks 
 of a cow s thumb. Yes," added he, in reply to the looks 
 bent upon him; "I ll not only wallop them that don t 
 believe it, but I ll wallop you all, whether you do or 
 not !" 
 
 This, however, was a stretch of benevolence to which 
 the company were not prepared to submit. As Dabbs 
 squared off to proceed secundum artem, according to the 
 approved method of the schools, the watchful astrologer 
 might have seen his star grow pale. He had reached 
 his Waterloo that winter night was his 18th of June. 
 He fell, as many have fallen before him, by that implicit 
 reliance on his own powers which made him forgetful 
 of the risk of encountering the long odds. The threat 
 was too comprehensive, and the attempt at execution 
 was a failure. The company cuffed him heartily, and 
 in the fray the bull terrier Oseola vented its cherished 
 wrath by biting a piece out of the fleshiest portion of his 
 frame. Dabbs was ousted by a summary process, but 
 his heart did not fail him. He thundered at the door, 
 sometimes with his fists, and again with whatever missiles 
 were within reach. The barking of the dog and the 
 laughter from within, as was once remarked of certain 
 military heroes, did not " intimate him in the least, 
 it only estimated him." 
 
 The noise at last became so great that a watchman 
 
ORSON DABBS, THE HITTITE. 37 
 
 finally summoned up resolution enough to come near, 
 and to take Dabbs by the arm. 
 
 " Let go, watchy ! let go, my cauliflower ! Your 
 cocoa is very near a sledge-hammer. If it isn t hard, it 
 may get cracked." 
 
 "Pooh! pooh! don t be onasy, my darlint my 
 cocoa is a corporation cocoa it belongs to the city, and 
 they ll get me a new one. Besides, my jewel, there s 
 two cocoas standing here, you know. Don t be onasy 
 it mayn t be mine that will get cracked." 
 
 " I ain t onasy," said Dabbs, bitterly, as he turned 
 fiercely round. " I ain t onasy. I only want to caution 
 you, or I ll upset your apple cart, and spill your peaches." 
 
 " I m not in the wegetable way, my own-self, Mr. 
 Horse-radish. You must make less noise." 
 
 " Now, look here look at me well," said Dabbs, strik 
 ing his fist hard upon his own bosom ; " I m a real nine 
 foot breast of a fellow stub twisted and made of horse 
 shoe nails the rest of me is cast iron with steel springs. 
 I ll stave my fist right through you, and carry you on 
 my elbow, as easily as if you were an empty market 
 basket I will bile me up for soap if I don t!" 
 
 " Ah, indeed ! why, you must be a real Calcutta-from- 
 Canting, warranted not to cut in the eye. Snakes is no 
 touch to you ; but I m sorry to say you must knuckle 
 down close. You must surrender ; there s no help for 
 it none in the world." 
 
 " Square yourself then, for I m coming ! Don t you 
 hear the clockvorks !" exclaimed Dabbs, as he shook 
 off the grip of the officer, and struck an attitude. 
 
 He stood beautifully ; feet well set ; guard well up ; 
 admirable science, yet fearful to look upon. Like the 
 Adriatic, Dabbs was " lovelily dreadful" on this exciting 
 occasion. But when " Greek meets Greek," fierce looks 
 
 4 
 
38 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and appalling circumstances amount to nothing. The 
 opponent of our hero, after regarding him coolly for a 
 moment, whistled with great contempt, and with provok 
 ing composure, beat down his guard with a smart blow 
 from a heavy mace, saying, 
 
 " Taint no use, no how you re all used up for bait." 
 
 " Ouch !" shrieked Dabbs ; " my eye, how it hurts ! 
 Don t hit me again. Ah, good man, but you re a bruiser. 
 One, two, three, from you would make a person believe 
 any thing, even if he was sure it wasn t true." 
 
 "Very well," remarked the macerator, "all I want 
 of you is to behave nice and genteel, and believe you re 
 going to the watch us, for it s true; and if you don t 
 believe it yet, why (shaking his mace) I shall feel 
 obligated to conwince you again." 
 
 As this was arguing with him after his own method, 
 and as Dabbs had distinct impressions of the force of 
 the reasoning, he shrugged his shoulders, and then 
 rubbing his arms, muttered, " Enough said." 
 
 He trotted off quietly for the first time in his life. 
 Since the affair and its consequences have passed away, 
 he has been somewhat chary of entering into the field of 
 argument, and particularly careful not to drink too much 
 cold water, for fear the bull terrier before referred to was 
 mad, and dreading hydrophobic convulsions. 
 
(39) 
 
 ROCKY SMALT; 
 
 OR, THE DANGERS OF IMITATION. 
 
 MAN is an imitative animal, and so strong is the 
 instinctive feeling to follow in the footsteps of others, 
 that he who is so fortunate as to strike out a new path 
 must travel rapidly, if he would avoid being run down by 
 imitators, and preserve the merit of originality. If his 
 discovery be a good one, the "servum pccits" will sweep 
 toward it like an avalanche ; and so quick will be their 
 motion, that the daring spirit who first had the self- 
 reliance to turn from the beaten track, is in danger of 
 being lost among the crowd, and of having his claim to 
 the honours of a discoverer doubted and derided. Turn 
 where you will, the imitative propensity is to be 
 found busily at work ; its votaries clustering round the 
 falcon to obtain a portion of the quarry which the nobler 
 bird lias stricken ; and perhaps, like Sir John FalstarT, 
 to deal the prize a " new wound in the thigh," and 
 falsely claim the wreath of victory. In the useful arts, 
 there are thousands of instances in which the real dis 
 coverer has been thrust aside to give place to the imita 
 tor ; and in every other branch in which human ingenu 
 ity has been exercised, if the flock of copyists do not 
 obtain the patent right of fame, they soon, where it is 
 practicable, wear out the novelty, and measurably deprive 
 
40 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the inventor of the consideration to which he is entitled. 
 In the apportionment of applause, the praise too often 
 depends upon which is first seen, the statue or the cast 
 although the one be marble, and the other plaster. 
 
 In business, no one can hope to recommend his wares 
 to patronage in a new and taking way, no matter what 
 outlay of thought has been required for its invention, 
 without finding multitudes prompt in the adoption of 
 the same device. He who travels by a fresh and ver 
 dant path in literature, and is successful, soon hears the 
 murmurs of a pursuing troop, and has his by-way con 
 verted into a dusty turnpike, macadamized on the prin 
 ciple of " writing made easy ;" while, on the stage, the 
 drama groans with great ones at second-hand. The 
 illustrious , in tragedy can designate an army of those, 
 who, unable to retail their beauties, strive for renown by 
 exaggerating their defects ; and Thalia has even seen her 
 female aids cut off their flowing locks, and teach -them 
 selves to wriggle, because she who was in fashion wore 
 a crop, and had adopted a gait after her own fancy. 
 
 It is to this principle that a professional look is attri 
 butable. In striving to emulate the excellence of another, 
 the student thinks he has made an important step if he 
 can catch the air, manner, and tone of his model ; and 
 believes that he is in a fair way to acquire equal wisdom, 
 if he can assume the same expression of the face, and 
 compass the same " hang of the nether lip." We have 
 seen a pupil endeavouring to help himself onward in 
 the race for distinction by wearing a coat similar in cut 
 and colour to that wherewith his preceptor indued 
 himself; and we remember the time when whole classes 
 at a certain eastern university became a regiment of 
 ugly Dromios, lengthening their visages, and smoothing 
 their hair down to their eyes, for no other reason than 
 
ROCKY SMALT. 41 
 
 that an eminent and popular professor chose to display 
 his frontispiece after that fashion and that, as they 
 emulated his literary abilities, they, therefore, thought it 
 advantageous to imitate his personal defects. When 
 Byron s fame was in the zenith, poetic scribblers dealt 
 liberally in shirt collar, and sported an expanse of neck; 
 and when Waterloo heroes were the wonders of the 
 hour, every town in England could show its limpers and 
 hobblers, who, innocent of war, would fain have passed 
 for men damaged by the French. On similar grounds, 
 humps, squints, impediments of speech, mouths awry, 
 and limbs distorted, have been the rage. 
 
 How then could Orson Dabbs, the Hittite, admired 
 and peculiar as he w r as, both for his ways and for his 
 opinions, hope to escape imitation ? If he entertained 
 such a belief, it was folly ; and if he dreamed that he 
 could so thump the world as to preserve his originality, 
 it was a mere delusion. Among the many who fre 
 quented the Goose and Gridiron, where Orson re 
 sided, was one Rocky Smalt, whose early admiration 
 for the great one it is beyond the power of words to 
 utter, though subsequent events converted that admira 
 tion into hostility. Rocky Smalt had long listened with 
 delight to Orson s lectures upon the best method of 
 removing difficulties, which, according to him, is by 
 thumping them down, as a paviour smooths the streets ; 
 and as Orson descanted, and shook his fists in exempli 
 fication of the text, the soul of Rocky, like a bean in a 
 bottle, swelled within him to put these sublime doctrines 
 in practice. 
 
 Now, it unluckily happens that Rocky Smalt is a 
 very little man one of the feather weights which 
 militates somewhat against the gratification of his pugi 
 listic desires, insomuch that if he " squares off" at a big 
 4* 
 
42 CHARCOAL SKETCHES 
 
 fellow, he is obliged, in dealing a facer, to hit his antago 
 nist on the knee ; and a blow given there, everybody 
 knows, neither " bungs a peeper" nor " taps a smeller." 
 But Rocky, being to a certain degree aware of his gla 
 diatorial deficiencies, is rather theoretical than practical ; 
 that is, he talks much more than he battles. His narra 
 tives, differing from himself, are colossal ; and as Colos 
 sus stood with one foot on one side, and with the other 
 foot on the other side, so do Rocky s speeches refer to 
 the past and to the future to what he has done, and to 
 what he means to do. He is now retrospective, and 
 again prospective, in talking of personal contention, his 
 combats never being present, which is by far the most 
 agreeable method of obtaining reputation, as we thereby 
 avoid the inconvenience of pricking our fingers in gather 
 ing glory. 
 
 Rocky, in copying Dabbs as to his belligerent princi 
 ples, is likewise careful to do the same, as far as it is 
 possible, in relation to personal appearance. He is, 
 therefore, a pocket Dabbs a miniature Orson. He 
 cultivates whiskers to the apex of the chin ; and although 
 they are not very luxuriant, they make up in length 
 what they want in thickness. He cocks his hat fiercely, 
 rolls in his gait, and, with doubled fists, carries his arms 
 in the muscular curve, elbows pointing outward, and 
 each arm forming the segment of a circle. He slams 
 doors after him, kicks little dogs, and swears at little 
 boys, as Orson does. If any one runs against him, he 
 waits until the offender is out of hearing, and then 
 denounces him in the most energetic expletives belong 
 ing to the language, and is altogether a vinaigrette of 
 wrath. It is the combat only that bothers Sinalt ; if it 
 were not for that link in the chain of progression from 
 defiance to victory, he would indeed be a most truculent 
 
ROCKY SMALT. 43 
 
 hero, and deserve a salary from all the nose menders 
 about town, whether natural bone-setters or gristle-tinkers 
 by commission were it not for that, Larrey s Military 
 Surgery would be in continual demand, as a guide to the 
 cure of contusions, and so great would be the application 
 of oysters to the eye, that there would be a scarcity of 
 shell-fish. 
 
 Sometimes, however, Smalt s flaming ardour precipi 
 tates him into a quarrel ; but, even then, he manages 
 matters very adroitly, by selecting the largest individual 
 of the opposite faction for his antagonist. 
 
 " Come on !" shrieks Smalt, in such an emergency ; 
 " come on ! I ll lick any thing near my own weight. I ll 
 chaw up any indewidooal that s fairly my match yes, 
 and give him ten pounds. I ain t petickelar, when it s 
 a matter of accommodation. Whe-e-w ! fire away !" 
 
 But, as Rocky s weight is just ninety-four pounds, 
 counting boots, hat, dead-latch key, pennies, fips, clothes, 
 and a little bit of cavendish, he is certain to escape ; for 
 even the most valiant may be excused from encountering 
 the long odds in a pitched battle, although he may some 
 times run against them in a crowded chance-medley. 
 Rocky, therefore, puts on his coat again, puffing and 
 blowing like a porpoise, as he walks vapouring about, and 
 repeating with an occasional attitude a la Orson Dabbs, 
 "Any thing in reason and a little chucked in to accommo 
 date when I m wound up, it most takes a stone wall to 
 stop me, for I go right through the timber that s me !" 
 
 Yet these happy days of theoretical championship at 
 length were clouded. Science avails nothing against 
 love: Dan Cupid laughs at sparring, and beats down the 
 most perfect guard. It so fell out that Orson Dabbs and 
 Rocky Smalt both were smitten with the tender passion 
 at the same time, the complaint perhaps being epidemic 
 
44 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 at the season. This, however, though individually 
 troublesome, as the disorder is understood to be a sharp 
 one, would not have been productive of discord between 
 them, had it not unluckily happened that they became 
 enamoured of the same "fair damosel." Two warriors 
 and but one lady! not one lady per piece, to speak 
 commercially, but one lady per pair. This was embar 
 rassing this was dangerous. Miss Araminta Stycke 
 or Miss Mint Stycke, as she was sometimes more sweetly 
 termed could not, according to legfal enactments, marry 
 both the gentlemen in question ; and as each was deter 
 mined to have her entire, the situation was decidedly per 
 plexing, essentially bothering, and effectively dramatic, 
 which, however amusing to the looker-on, is the ne plus 
 ultra of discomfort to those who form the tableau. Miss 
 Araminta could doubtless have been very " happy with 
 either, were t other dear charmer away ;" but this was 
 out of the question; for, when Dabbs on one side stuck 
 to Stycke, Smalt on the other side just as assiduously 
 stuck to Stycke, and both stickled stoutly for her 
 smiles. 
 
 " My dear Mint Stycke," said Rocky Smalt, at a tea 
 party, taking hold of a dish of plums nicely done in mo 
 lasses " my dear Mint Stycke, allow me to help you to 
 a small few of the goodies." 
 
 " Minty, my darling !" observed Dabbs, who sat on 
 her left hand, Rocky being on the right " Minty my 
 darling," repeated Dabbs, with that dashing familiarity 
 so becoming in a majestic personage, as he stretched 
 forth his hand, and likewise grasped the dish of plums, 
 ** I insist upon helping you myself." 
 
 The consequence was an illustration of the embarras 
 of having two lovers on the ground at the same time. 
 The plums were spilt in such a way as to render Miss 
 
ROCKY SMALT. 45 
 
 Stycke sweeter that ever, by giving " sweets to the 
 sweet;" but the young lady was by no means so pretty 
 to look at as she had been before the ceremony. 
 
 " Of the twain, she most affected" Dabbs, of which 
 Rocky was not a little jealous. 
 
 " Minty, I don t care for Dabbs," said Rocky, in heroic 
 tones ; " big as he is, if he comes here too often a crossing 
 me, he ll ketch it. I ll thump him, Minty, I will feed 
 me on hay, if I don t." 
 
 Minty laughed, and well shp might, for just then Orson 
 arrived, and, walking into the room, scowled fiercely at 
 Smalt, who suddenly remembered " he had to go some- 
 wheres, and promised to be there early he must go, as 
 it was a most late now." 
 
 "He thump me!" said Dabbs, with a supercilious 
 smile, when Minty repeated the threat. " The next time 
 I meet that chap. I ll take my stick and kill it I ll sqush 
 it with mv foot." 
 
 Unhappily for the serenity of his mind. Rocky Smalt 
 had his ear at the key hole when this awful threat was 
 made, and he quaked to hear it, not doubting that Dabbs 
 would be as good as his word. He, therefore, fled instan- 
 ter, and roamed about like a perturbed spirit ; now tra 
 velling quickly anon pausing to remember the frightful 
 words, and, as they rushed vividly to mind, he would 
 hop-scotch convulsively and dart off like an arrow, the 
 whole being done in a style similar to that of a fish which 
 has indulged in a frolic upon coccuhts indicus. In the 
 course of his eccentric rambles, he stopped in at various 
 places, and, either from that cause, or some other which 
 has not been ascertained, he waxed valiant a little after 
 midnight. But, as his spirits rose, his locomotive pro 
 pensity appeared to decrease, and he, at length, sat down 
 on a step. 
 
46 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " So !" soliloquized our hero : " he intends to belt me, 
 does he ? Take a stick sqush with his foot and calls 
 me it it right before Minty ! Powers of wengeance, 
 settle on my fist, take aim with my knuckles, and shoot 
 him in the eye ! If I wasn t so tired, and if I hadn t a 
 little touch of my family disorder, I d start after him. I d 
 go and dim him for the hiding; and if he d only squat, or 
 let me stand on a chair, I d give him a receipt in full, 
 right in the face, under my own hand and seal. I d 
 knock him this-er way, and I d whack him that-er way, 
 till you couldn t tell which end of his head his face 
 was on." 
 
 Smalt suited the action to the word, and threw out his 
 blows, right and left, with great vigour. 
 
 Suddenly, however, he felt a heavy hand grasp his 
 shoulder, and give him a severe shake, while a deep gruff 
 voice exclaimed : 
 
 " Halloo ! what the deuse are you about ? You ll tear 
 your coat." 
 
 "Ah!" ejaculated Smalt, with a convulsive start; 
 " oh, don t ! I holler enough !" 
 
 " Why, little un, you must be cracked, if you flunk 
 out before we begin. Holler enough, indeed ! nobody s 
 guv you any yet." 
 
 " Ah !" gasped Smalt, turning round ; " I took you 
 for Orson Dabbs. I promised, when I cotch d him, to 
 give him a licking, and I was werry much afeard I d 
 have to break the peace. Breaking the peace is a werry 
 disagreeable thing fur to do ; but! must I m conshensis 
 about it when I ketches Orson. Somebody ought to 
 tell him to keep out of the way, fur fear I ll have to break 
 the peace." 
 
 " It wouldn t do to kick up a row but I m thinking 
 it would be a little piece, if you could break it. I ll 
 
ROCKY SMALT. 47 
 
 carry home all the pieces you break off, in ray waist 
 coat pocket. You re only a pocket piece yourself." 
 
 " Nobody asked your opinions go way. I ve got a 
 job of thinking to do, and I musn tbe disturbed talking 
 puts me out. Paddle, steamboat, or " 
 
 " Take keer don t persume," was the impressive 
 reply ; " I m a fishal functionary out a ketching of dogs. 
 You musn t cut up because it s night. The mayor and 
 the squires have gone to bed ; but the law is a thing 
 that never gets asleep. After ten o clock, the law is a 
 watchman and a dog ketcher we re the whole law till 
 breakfast s a most ready." 
 
 " You only want bristles to be another sart of a whole 
 animal," muttered Smalt. 
 
 " Whew ! confound your little kerkus, what do you 
 mean? I d hit you unofficially, if there was any use in 
 pegging at a fly." 
 
 Smalt began to feel uneasy ; so, taking the hint con 
 veyed in the word fly, he made a spring as the com 
 mencement of a retreat from one who talked so fiercely 
 and so disrespectfully. But he had miscalculated his 
 powers. After running a few steps, his apprehensions 
 overthrew him, and his persecutor walking up, said : 
 
 " Oh ! you stumpy little peace-breaker, I knows what 
 you have been about you ve been drinking." 
 
 " You nose it, hey ? much good may it do you. 
 Can t a man wet his w r histle without your nosing it?" 
 
 " No, you can t it s agin the law, which is very full 
 upon this pint." 
 
 " Pint ! Not the half of it I haven t got the stowage 
 room." 
 
 The " ketcher" laughed, for, notwithstanding their 
 sanguinary profession, ketchers, like Lord Norbury, are 
 said to love a joke, and to indulge in merriment, when- 
 
48 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 ever the boys are not near. He therefore picked up 
 Smalt, and placing him upon his knee, remarked as 
 follows : 
 
 " You re a clever enough kind of little feller, sonny ; 
 but you ain t been eddicated to the law as I have ; so I ll 
 give you a lecture. Justice vinks at vot it can t see, and 
 lets them off vot it can t ketch. When you want to break 
 it, you must dodge. You may do what you like in your 
 own house, and the law don t know nothing about the 
 matter. But never go thumping and bumping about 
 the streets, when you are primed and snapped. That s 
 intemperance, and the other is temperance. But now you 
 come under the muzzle of the ordinance you re a 
 loafer." 
 
 " Now, look here I ll tell you the truth. Orson 
 Dabbs swears he ll belt me yes, he calls me it he 
 said he d sqush me with his foot he d take a stick and 
 kill * it me, I mean. What am I to do ? there ll be a 
 fight, and Dabbs will get hurt." 
 
 " He can t do what he says the law declares he 
 musn t ; and if he does, it isn t any great matter he ll 
 be put in limbo, you know." 
 
 This, however, was a species of comfort which had 
 very little effect upon Smalt. He cared nothing about 
 what might be done with Orson Dabbs after Orson had 
 done for him. 
 
 His new friend, however, proved, as Smalt classically 
 remarked, to be like a singed cat, much better than he 
 looked, for he conducted the Lilliputian hero home, and, 
 bundling him into the entry, left him there in comfort. 
 Eocky afterwards removed to another part of the town, 
 for the purpose of keeping clear of his enemy, and, with 
 many struggles, yielded the palm in relation to Miss 
 Araminta Stycke, who soon became Mrs. Orson Dabbs. 
 
ROCKY SMALT. 49 
 
 After this event, Rocky Smalt, who is not above the 
 useful employment of gathering a little wisdom from 
 experience, changed his system, and now speaks belli 
 gerently only in reference to the past, his gasconading 
 stories invariably beginning, " A few years ago, when I 
 was a fighting carackter." 
 
( 50 
 
 UNDEVELOPED GENIUS. 
 
 A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF P. PILGARLICK 
 PIGWIGGEN, ESQ. 
 
 THE world has heard much of unwritten music, and 
 more of unpaid debts ; a brace of unsubstantialities, in 
 which very little faith is reposed. The minor poets 
 have twangled their lyres about the one, until the sound 
 has grown wearisome, and until, for the sake of peace and 
 quietness, we heartily wish that unwritten music were 
 fairly written down, and published in Willig s or Blake s 
 best style, even at the risk of hearing it reverberate from 
 every piano in the city : while iron-visaged creditors- 
 all creditors are of course hard, both in face and in 
 heart, or they would not ask for their money have 
 chattered of unpaid debts, ever since the flood, with a wet 
 finger, was uncivil enough to wipe out pre-existing scores, 
 and extend to each skulking debtor the " benefit of the 
 act." But undeveloped genius, which is, in fact, itself 
 unwritten music, and is very closely allied to unpaid 
 debts, has, as yet, neither poet, trumpeter, nor biographer. 
 Gray, indeed, hinted at it in speaking of " village Hamp- 
 dens," " mute inglorious Miltons," and " Cromwells 
 guiltless," which showed him to be man of some dis 
 cernment, and possessed of inklings of the truth. But 
 the general science of mental geology, and through that, 
 the equally important details of mental mineralogy and 
 
UNDEVELOPED GENIUS, 51 
 
 mental metallurgy, to ascertain the unseen substratum 
 of intellect, and to determine its innate wealth, are as 
 yet unborn ; or, if phrenology be admitted as a branch 
 of these sciences, are still in uncertain infancy. Unde 
 veloped genius, therefore, is still undeveloped, and is 
 likely to remain so, unless this treatise should awaken 
 some capable and intrepid spirit to prosecute an investi 
 gation at once so momentous and so interesting. If not, 
 much of it will pass through the world undiscovered and 
 unsuspected ; while the small remainder can manifest 
 itself in no other way than by the aid of a convulsion, 
 turning its possessor inside out like a glove ; a method, 
 which the earth itself was ultimately compelled to adopt, 
 that stupid man might be made to see what treasures 
 are to be had for the digging. 
 
 There are many reasons why genius so often remains 
 invisible. The owner is frequently unconscious of the 
 jewel in his possession, and is indebted to chance for 
 the discovery. Of this, Patrick Henry was a striking 
 instance. After he had failed as a shopkeeper, and was 
 compelled to " hoe corn and dig potatoes," alone on his 
 little farm, to obtain a meagre subsistence for his family, 
 he little dreamed that he had that within, which would 
 enable him to shake the throne of a distant tyrant, and 
 nerve the arm of struggling patriots. Sometimes, how 
 ever, the possessor is conscious of his gift, but it is to 
 him as the celebrated anchor was to the Dutchman ; he 
 can neither use nor exhibit it. The illustrious Thomas 
 Erskine, in his first attempt at the bar, made so signal a 
 failure as to elicit the pity of the good natured, and the 
 scorn and contempt of the less feeling part of the auditory. 
 Nothing daunted, however, for he felt undeveloped 
 genius strong within him, he left the court; muttering, 
 with more profanity than was proper, but with much 
 
52 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 truth, "By ! it is in me, and it shall come out! * 
 
 He was right ; it was in him ; he did get it out, and 
 rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. 
 
 But there are men less fortunate ; as gifted as Erskine, 
 though perhaps in a different way, they swear frequently, 
 as he did, but they cannot get their genius out. They 
 feel it, like a rat in a cage, beating against their barring 
 ribs, in a vain struggle to escape; and thus, with the 
 materials for building a reputation, and standing high 
 among the sons of song and eloquence, they pass their 
 lives in obscurity, regarded by the few who are aware 
 of their existence, as simpletons fellows sent upon the 
 stage solely to fill up the grouping, to applaud their 
 superiors, to eat, sleep, and die. 
 
 P. PILGARLICK PIGWIGGEN, Esq., as he loves to be 
 styled, is one of these unfortunate undeveloped gentle 
 men about town. The arrangement of his name shows 
 him to be no common man. Peter P. Pigwiggen would 
 be nothing, except a hailing title to call him to dinner, 
 or to insure the safe arrival of dunning letters and tailors 
 bills. There is as little character about it as about the 
 word Towser, the individuality of which has been lost 
 by indiscriminate application. To all intents and pur 
 poses, he might just as well be addressed as " You Pete 
 Pigwiggen," after the tender maternal fashion, in which, 
 in his youthful days, he was required to quit dabbling in 
 the gutter, to come home and be spanked. But 
 
VXDEVELOPED GENIUS. 53 
 
 the aristocracy of birth and genius is all about it. The 
 very letters seem tasselled and fringed with the cobwebs 
 of antiquity. The flesh creeps with awe at the sound, 
 and the atmosphere undergoes a sensible change, as at 
 the rarefying approach of a supernatural being. It pene 
 trates the hearer at each perspiratory pore. The drop 
 ping of the antepenultimate in a man s name, and the 
 substitution of an initial therefor, has an influence which 
 cannot be defined an influence peculiarly strong in the 
 case of P. Pilgarlick Pigwiggen the influence of unde 
 veloped genius analogous to that which bent the hazel 
 rod, in the hand of Dousterswivel, in the ruins of St. 
 Ruth, and told of undeveloped Avater. 
 
 But to avoid digression, or rather to return from a ram 
 ble in the fields of nomenclature, P. Pilgarlick Pigwig 
 gen is an undeveloped genius a w r asted man ; his talents 
 are like money in a strong box, returning no interest. He 
 is, in truth, a species of Byron in the egg : but unable to 
 chip the shell, his genius remains unhatched. The 
 chicken moves and faintly chirps within, but no one sees 
 it, no one heeds it. Peter feels the high aspirations and 
 the mysterious imaginings of poesy circling about the 
 interior of his cranium ; but there they stay. When he 
 attempts to give them utterance, he finds that nature for 
 got to bore out the passage which carries thought to the 
 tongue and to the finger ends ; and as art has not yet 
 found out the method of tunnelling or of driving a drift 
 into the brain, to remedy such defects, and act as a gene 
 ral jail delivery to the prisoners of the mind, his divine 
 conceptions continue pent in their osseous cell. In vain 
 does Pigwiggen sigh for a split I ing headache one that 
 shall ope the sutures, and set his fancies free. In vain 
 does he shave his forehead and turn down his shirt col 
 lar, in hope of finding the poetic vomitory, and of leaving 
 5* 
 
54 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 it clear of impediment ; in vain does he drink vast quan 
 tities of gin to raise the steam so high that it may burst 
 imagination s boiler, and suffer a few drops of it to 
 escape ; in vain does he sit up late o nights, using all 
 the cigars he can lay his hands on, to smoke out the 
 secret. Tis useless all. No sooner has he spread the 
 paper, and seized the pen to give bodily shape to airy 
 dreams, than a dull dead blank succeeds. As if a flourish 
 of the quill were the crowing of a " rooster," the dainty 
 Ariels of his imagination vanish. The feather drops 
 from his checked fingers, the paper remains unstained, 
 and P. Pilgarlick Pigwiggen is still an undeveloped 
 genius. 
 
 Originally a grocer s boy, Peter early felt he had a 
 soul above soap and candles, and he so diligently nou 
 rished it with his master s sugar, figs, and brandy, that 
 early one morning he was unceremoniously dismissed 
 with something more substantial than a flea in his ear. 
 His subsequent life was passed in various callings ; but 
 call as loudly as they would, our hero paid little attention 
 to their voice. He had an eagle s longings, and with an 
 inclination to stare the sun out of countenance, it was 
 not to be expected that he would stoop to be a barn-yard 
 fowl. Working when he could not help it ; at times 
 pursuing check speculations at the theatre doors, by 
 way of turning an honest penny, and now and then 
 gaining entrance by crooked means, to feed his faculties 
 with a view of the performances, he likewise pursued 
 his studies through all the ballads in the market, until 
 qualified to read the pages of Moore and Byron. 
 Glowing with ambition, he sometimes pined to see 
 the poet s corner of our weekly periodicals graced 
 with his effusions. But though murder may out, his 
 undeveloped genius would not. Execution fell so far 
 
UNDEVELOPED GENIUS. 55 
 
 short of conception, that his lyrics were invariably 
 rejected. 
 
 Deep, but unsatisfactory, were the reflections which 
 thence arose in the breast of Pigwiggen. 
 
 " How is it," said he " how is it I can t level down 
 my expressions to the comprehension of the vulgar, or 
 level up the vulgar to a comprehension of my expres 
 sions ? How is it I can t get the spigot out, so my 
 verses will run clear ? I know what I mean myself, but 
 nobody else does, and the impudent editors say it s wast 
 ing room to print what nobody understands. I ve plenty 
 of genius lots of it, for I often want to cut my throat, 
 and would have done it long ago, only it hurts. I m 
 chock full of genius and running over ; for I hate all sorts 
 of work myself, and all sorts of people mean enough to 
 do it. I hate going to bed, and I hate getting up. My 
 conduct is very eccentric and singular. I have the mise 
 rable melancholies all the time, and I m pretty nearly 
 always as cross as thunder, which is a sure sign. 
 Genius is as tender as a skinned cat, and flies into a 
 passion whenever you touch it. When I condescend to 
 unbuzzum myself, for a little sympathy, to folks of ornery 
 intellect and caparisoned to me, I know very few 
 people that ar n t ornery as to brains and pour forth 
 the feelings indigginus to a poetic soul, which is always 
 biling, they ludicrate my sitiation, and say they don t 
 know what the dense I m driving" at. Isn t genius al 
 ways served o this fashion in the earth, as Hamlet, the boy 
 after my own heart, says ? And when the slights of the 
 world, and of the printers, set me in a fine frenzy, and 
 my soul swells and swells, till it almost tears the shirt 
 off my buzzura, and even fractures my dickey when it 
 expansuates and elevates me above the common herd, 
 they laugh. again, and tell me not to be pompious. The 
 
56 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 poor plebinians and worse than Russian scurfs ! It is 
 the fate of genius it is his n, or rather I should say, 
 her n to go through life with little sympathization and 
 less cash. Life s a field of blackberry and raspberry 
 bushes. Mean people squat down and pick the fruit, 
 no matter how they black their fingers ; while genius, 
 proud and perpendicular, strides fiercely on, and gets 
 nothing but scratches and holes tore in its trousers. 
 These things are the fate of genius, and when you see 
 em, there is genius too, although the editors won t pub 
 lish its articles. These things are its premonitories, its 
 janissaries, its cohorts, and its consorts. 
 
 " But yet, though in flames in my interiors, I can t 
 get it out. If I catch a subject, while I am looking at it, 
 I can t find words to put it in ; and when I let go, to hunt 
 for words, the subject is off like a shot. Sometimes 1 
 have plenty of words, but then there is either no ideas, 
 or else there is such a waterworks and cataract of them, 
 that when I catch one, the others knock it out of my 
 fingers. My genius is good, but my mind is not suffi 
 ciently manured by ears." 
 
 Pigwiggen, waiting it may be till sufficiently "ma 
 nured" to note his thoughts, was seen one fine morning 
 not long since, at the corner of the street, with a me 
 lancholy, abstracted air, the general character of his 
 appearance. His garments were of a rusty black, much 
 the worse for wear. His coat was buttoned up to the 
 throat, probably for a reason more cogent than that of 
 showing the moulding of his chest, arid a black hand 
 kerchief enveloped his neck. Not a particle of white 
 was to be seen about him ; not that we mean to infer 
 that his " sark" would not have answered to its name, if 
 the muster roll of his attire had been called, for we scorn 
 to speak of a citizen s domestic relations, and, until the 
 
UNDEVELOPED GENIUS. 57 
 
 contrary is proved, we hold it but charity to believe that 
 every man has as many shirts as backs. Peter s cheeks 
 were pale and hollow ; his eyes sunken, and neither 
 soap nor razor had kissed his lips for a week. His 
 hands were in his pockets they had the accommodation 
 all to themselves nothing else was there. 
 
 "Is your name Peter P. Pigwiggen?" inquired a 
 man, with a stick, which he grasped in the middle. 
 
 " My name is P. Pilgarlick Pigwiggen, if you please, 
 my good friend," replied our hero, with a flush of indig 
 nation at being miscalled. 
 
 " You ll do," was the nonchalant response ; and " the 
 man with a stick" drew forth a parallelogram of paper, 
 curiously inscribed with characters, partly written and 
 partly printed, of which the words, " The commonwealth 
 greeting," were strikingly visible ; * you ll do, Mr. P. 
 Pilgarlick Pigwiggen Peter. That s a capias ad respon- 
 dendv.m, the English of which is, you re cotched because 
 you can t pay ; only they put it in Greek, so s not to 
 hurt a gentleman s feelings, and make him feel flat afore 
 the company. I can t say much for the manners of the 
 big courts, but the way the law s polite and a squire s 
 office is genteel, when the thing is under a hundred 
 dollars, is cautionary." 
 
 There was little to be said. Peter yielded at once. 
 His landlady, with little respect for the incipient Byron, 
 had turned him out that morning, and had likewise sent 
 " the man with a stick" to arrest die course of undeve 
 loped genius. Peter walked before, and he of the " taking 
 way" strolled leisurely behind. 
 
 * * * - * * 
 
 " It s the fate of genius, squire. The money is owed. 
 But how can I help it ? I can t live without eating and 
 
58 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 sleeping. If I wasn t to do those functionaries, it would 
 be suicide, severe beyond circumflexion." 
 
 " Well, you know, you must either pay or go to jail." 
 * Now, squire, as a friend I can t pay, and I don t 
 admire jail as a friend, now." 
 
 " Got any bail ? No ! what s your trade what name 
 is it?" 
 
 " Poesy," was the laconic, but dignified reply. 
 
 ** Pusey ? Yes, I remember Pusey. You re in the 
 shoe-cleaning line, somewhere in Fourth street. Pusey, 
 boots and shoes cleaned here. Getting whiter, ar n t 
 you ? I thought Pusey was a little darker in the counte 
 nance." 
 
 " P-o-e-s-y !" roared Peter, spelling the word at the 
 top of his voice ; " I m a poet." 
 
 ** Well, Posy, I suppose you don t write for nothing. 
 Why didn t you pay your landlady out of what you 
 received for your books, Posy ?" 
 
 " My genius ain t developed. I haven t written any 
 thing yet. Only wait till my mind is manured, so I can 
 catch the idea, and I ll pay off all old scores." 
 
 " Twont do, Posy. I don t understand it at all. 
 You must go and find a little undeveloped bail, or I 
 must send you to prison. The officer will go with you. 
 But stay; there s Mr. Grubson in the corner perhaps 
 he will bail you." 
 
 Grubson looked unpromising. He had fallen asleep, 
 and the flies hummed about his sulky copper-coloured 
 visage, laughing at his unconscious drowsy efforts to 
 drive them away. He was aroused by Pilgarlick, who 
 insinuatingly preferred the request. 
 
 " I ll see you hanged first," replied Mr. Grubson ; " I 
 goes bail for nobody. I m undeveloped myself on that 
 
UNDEVELOPED GENIUS. 59 
 
 subject, not but that I have the greatest respect for you 
 in the world, but the most of people s cheats." 
 
 " You see, Posy, the development won t answer. 
 You must try out of doors. The officer will go with 
 you." 
 
 " Squire, as a friend, excuse me," said Pilgarlick. 
 " But the truth of the matter is this. I m delicate about 
 being seen in the street with a constable. I m principled 
 against it. The reputation which I m going to get might 
 be injured by it. Wouldn t it be pretty much the same 
 thing, if Mr. Grubson was to go with the officer, and get 
 me a little bail ?" 
 
 " I m delicate myself," growled Grubson; " I m prin 
 cipled agin that too. Every man walk about on his own 
 sponsibility ; every man bail his own boat. You might 
 jist as well ask me to swallow your physic, or take your 
 thrashings." 
 
 Alas ! Pilgarlick knew that his boat was past bailing. 
 Few are the friends of genius in any of its stages very 
 few are they when it is undeveloped. He, therefore, 
 consented to sojourn in "Arch west of Broad," until the 
 whitewashing process could be performed, on condition 
 he were taken there by the " alley way ;" for he still 
 looks ahead to the day, when a hot-pressed volume shall 
 be published by the leading booksellers, entitled Poems, 
 by P. Pilgarlick Pigwiggen, Esq. 
 
( 60 
 
 THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE 
 WORLD. 
 
 A YIELDING temper, when not carefully watched and 
 curbed, is one of the most dangerous of faults. Like un 
 regulated generosity, it is apt to carry its owner into a 
 thousand difficulties, and, too frequently, to hurry him 
 into vices, if not into crimes. But as it is of advantage 
 to others while inflicting injury upon its possessor, it 
 has, by the common consent of mankind, received a fine 
 name, which covers its follies and promotes its growth. 
 This easiness of disposition, which is a compound of in 
 dolence, vanity, and irresolution, is known and applauded 
 as " good-nature;" and, to have reached the superlative 
 degree, so as to be called the " best-natured fellow in the 
 world almost too good-natured for his own good," is 
 regarded as a lofty merit. When applied to the proper 
 person, though the recipient says nothing, it may be 
 seen that it thrills him with delight ; the colour height 
 ens on his cheek ; and the humid brilliance of his eye 
 speaks him ready to weep with joy over his own fancied 
 perfections, and to outdo all his former outdoings. He 
 is warmed through by the phrase, as if he had been feast 
 ing upon preserved ginger, and he luxuriates upon the 
 sensation, without counting the cost, and without calcu 
 lating the future sacrifices which it requires. He seldom 
 sees why he is thus praised. He is content that it is so, 
 
THE BEST-XATURED MAX IX THE WORLD. 61 
 
 without inquiring into the process by which it was 
 brought about. It is enough for him that he is the best- 
 natured fellow in the world, and the conclusion generally 
 shows that, in phrase pugilistic, it is "enough." There 
 are few kinds of extravagance more ruinous than that of 
 indulging a desire for being excessively good-natured, as 
 the good-natured pussy learnt when the monkey used her 
 paw to draw chestnuts from the fire. A man of circum 
 scribed means may, with comparative safety, keep horses 
 and dogs, drink Champagne and Burgundy, bet upon 
 races and upon cock-fights ; he may even gratify a taste 
 for being very genteel for these things may subside into 
 moderation ; but being very good-natured, in the popular 
 acception of the phrase, is like the juvenile amusement 
 of sliding down Market street hill on a sled. The further 
 one goes, the greater is the velocity ; and, if the momen 
 tum be not skilfully checked, we are likely to land in the 
 water. 
 
 The " best-natured fellow in the world" is merely 
 a convenience ; very useful to others, but worse than 
 useless to himself. He is the bridge across the brook, 
 and men walk over him. He is the wandering pony of 
 the Pampas, seeking his own provender, yet ridden by 
 those who contribute not to his support. He giveth up 
 all the sunshine, and hath nothing but chilling shade for 
 himself. He waiteth at the table of the world, serveth 
 the guests, who clear the board, and, for food and pay, 
 give him fine words, which culinary research hath long 
 since ascertained cannot be used with profit, even in the 
 buttering of parsnips. He is, in fact, an appendage, not 
 an individuality ; and when worn out, as he soon must 
 be, is thrown aside to make room for another, if another 
 can be had. Such is the result of excessive compliance 
 and obsequious good-nature. It plundereth a man of his 
 
 6 
 
62 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 spine, and converteth him into a flexile willow, to be 
 bent and twisted as his companions choose, and, should 
 it please them, to be wreathed into a fish-basket. 
 
 Are there any who doubt of this ? Let them inquire 
 for one LENITER SALIX, and ask his opinion. Leniter 
 may be ragged, but his philosophy has not so many 
 holes in it as might be inferred from the state of his 
 wardrobe. Nay, it is the more perfect on that account ; 
 a knowledge of the world penetrates the more easily 
 when, from defective apparel, we approach the nearer 
 to our original selves. Leniter s hat is crownless, and 
 the clear light of knowledge streams without impediment 
 upon his brain. He is not bound up in the strait jacket 
 of prejudice, for he long since pawned his solitary vest, 
 and his coat, made for a Goliath, hangs about him as 
 loosely as a politician s principles, or as the purser s shirt 
 in the poetical comparison. Salix has so long bumped 
 his head against a stone wall, that he has knocked a hole 
 in it, and like Cooke, the tragedian, sees through his 
 error. He has speculated as extensively in experience 
 as if it were town lots. The quantity of that article he 
 has purchased, could it be made tangible, would freight 
 a seventy-four; were it convertible into cash, Croesus, 
 King of Lydia, son of Halyattes, would be a Chelsea 
 pensioner to Salix. But unluckily for him, there are 
 stages in life when experience itself is more ornamental 
 than useful. When, to use a forcible expression when 
 a man is " done," it matters not whether he has as much 
 experience as Samson had hair, or as Bergami had whis 
 ker he can do no more. Salix has been in his time so 
 much pestered with duns, " hateful to gods and men, 
 that he is done himself. 
 
 " The sun was rushing down the west," as Banim 
 has it, attending to its own business, and, by that means, 
 
THE BEST-NATURED MAX IX THE WORLD. Q3 
 
 shedding benefit upon the world, when Leniter Salix 
 was seen in front of a little grocery, the locale of which 
 shall be nameless, sitting dejectedly upon a keg of mack 
 erel, number 2. He had been " the best-natured fellow 
 in the world," but, as the geologists say, he was in a 
 state of transition, and was rapidly becoming up to trap. 
 At all events, he had his nose to the grindstone, an ope 
 ration which should make men keen. He was house 
 less, homeless, penniless, and the grocery man had asked 
 him to keep an eye upon the dog, for fear of the mid 
 summer catastrophe which awaits such animals when their 
 snouts are not in a bird cage. This service was to be 
 recompensed with a cracker, and a glass of what the 
 shopman was pleased to call racky mirackilis, a fluid 
 sometimes termed " railroad," from the rapidity with 
 which it hurries men to the end of their journey. Like 
 many of the best-natured fellows in the world, Salix, by 
 way of being a capital companion, and of not being differ 
 ent from others, had acquired rather a partiality for riding 
 on this " railroad," and he agreed to keep his trigger eye 
 on the dog. 
 
 " That s right, Salix. I always knowcd you were the 
 best-natured fellow in the world." 
 
 " H-u-m-p-s-e!" sighed Salix, in a prolonged, plain 
 tive, uncertain manner, as if he admitted the fact, but 
 doubted the honour; " h-u-m-p-s-e ! but, if it wasn t for 
 the railroad, which is good for my complaint, because I 
 take it internally to drive out the perspiration, I ve a sort 
 of a notion Carlo might take care of himself. There s 
 the dog playing about without his muzzle, just because 
 I m good-natured ; there s Timpkins at work making 
 money inside, instead of watching his own whelp, just 
 because I m good-natured ; and I m to sit here doing 
 nothing instead of going to get a little job a man promised 
 
64 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 me down town, just because I m good-natured. I can t 
 see exactly what s the use of it to me. It s pretty much 
 like having a bed of your own, and letting other people 
 sleep in it, soft, while you sleep on the bare floor, hard. 
 It wouldn t be so bad if you could have half, or quarter 
 of the bed ; but no these good friends of mine, as I 
 may say, turn in, take it all, roll themselves up in the 
 kivering, and won t let us have a bit of sheet to mollify 
 the white pine sacking bottom, the which is pleasant to 
 whittle with a sharp knife quite soft enough for that 
 purpose but the which is not the pink of feather beds. 
 I don t like it I m getting tired." 
 
 The brow of Salix began to blacken therein having 
 decidedly the advantage of his boots, which could nei 
 ther blacken themselves, nor prevail on their master to do 
 it when Mrs. Timpkins, the shopman s wife, popped 
 out with a child in her arms, and three more trapesing 
 after her. 
 
 " Law, Salix, how-dee-doo ? I m so glad I know 
 you re the best-natured creature in the world. Jist hold 
 little Biddy a while, and keep an eye on t other young 
 uns you re such a nurse he ! he ! he ! so busy 
 ain t got no girl so busy washing most tea time 
 he ! he ! he ! Salix." 
 
 Mrs. Timpkins disappeared, Biddy remained in the 
 arms of Salix, and " t other young uns" raced about 
 with the dog. The trigger eye was compelled to invoke 
 the aid of its coadjutor. 
 
 " Whew !" whistled Salix; " the quantity of pork 
 they give in this part of the town for a shilling is ama- 
 zin I m so good-natured ! That railroad will be well 
 earnt, anyhow. I m beginning to think it s queer there 
 ain t more good-natured people about besides me I m 
 a sort of mayor and corporation all myself in this busi- 
 
THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE WORLD. 65 
 
 ness. It s a monopoly where the profit s all loss. Now, 
 for instance, these Timpkinses won t ask me to tea, be 
 cause I m ragged ; but they ar n t a bit too proud to ask 
 me to play child s nurse and dog s uncle they won t 
 lend me any money, because I can t pay, and they re per- 
 simmony and sour about cash concerns and they won t 
 let me have time to earn any money, and get good 
 clothes that s because I m so good-natured. I ve a good 
 mind to strike, and be sassy." 
 
 " Hallo ! Salix, my good fellow !" said a man, on a 
 horse, as he rode up ; " you re the very chap I m looking 
 for. As I says to my old woman, says I, Leniter Salix 
 is the wholesoul dest chap I ever did see. There s nothing 
 he won t do for a friend, and I ll never forget him, if 1 
 was to live as old as Methuselah." 
 
 Salix smiled Hannibal softened rocks with vinegar, 
 but the stranger melted the ice of our hero s resolution 
 with praise. Salix walked towards him, holding the child 
 with one hand as he extended the other for a friendly 
 shake. 
 
 " You re the best-natured fellow in the world, Salix," 
 ejaculated the stranger, as he leaped from the saddle, 
 and hung the reins upon Salix s extended fingers, in 
 stead of shaking hands with him ; " you re the best- 
 natured fellow in the world. Just hold my horse a mi 
 nute. I ll be back in a jifiey, Salix ; in less than half an 
 hour," said the dismounted rider, as he shot round the 
 corner. 
 
 " If that ain t cutting it fat, I ll be darned!" growled 
 Salix, as soon as he had recovered from his breathless 
 amazement, and had gazed from dog to babe from horse 
 to children. 
 
 " Mr. Salix," screamed Miss Tabitha Gadabout from 
 the next house, " I m just running over to Timpson s 
 6* 
 
66 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 place. Keep an eye on my street door back in a 
 minute." 
 
 She flew across the street, and as she went, the 
 words " best natured-soul alive" were heard upon the 
 breeze. 
 
 "That s considerable fatter it s as fat as show beef," 
 said Salix. " How many eyes has a good-natured fellow 
 got, anyhow? Three of mine s in use a ready. The 
 good-natureder you are, the more eyes you have, I s pose. 
 That job up town s jobbed without me, and where I m 
 to sleep, or to eat my supper, it s not the easiest thing 
 in the world to tell. Ain t paid my board this six months, 
 I m so good-natured ; and the old woman s so good- 
 natured, she said I needn t come back. These Timp- 
 kinses and all of em are ready enough at asking me 
 
 to do things, but when I ask them There, that dog s 
 
 off, and the ketchers are coming Carlo ! Carlo !" 
 
 The baby began squalling, and the horse grew restive , 
 the dog scampered into the very teeth of danger ; and the 
 three little Timpkinses, who could locomote, went 
 scrabbling, in different directions, into all sorts of mischief, 
 until finally one of them pitched head foremost into a 
 cellar. 
 
 Salix grew furious. ** Whoa, pony ! hush, you infer 
 nal brat ! here, Carlo! Thunder and crockery ! there s 
 a young Timpkins smashed and spoilt ! knocked into a 
 cocked hat !" 
 
 " Mr. Salix !" shouted a boy, from the other side of 
 the way, " when you re done that ere, mammy says 
 if you won t go a little narrand for her, you re so good- 
 nater d." 
 
 There are moments when calamity nerves us ; when 
 wild frenzy congeals into calm resolve ; as one may see 
 by penning a cat in a corner. It is then that the coward 
 
Designed <J. ctchtd. by /chrt 
 
 the kefchtrs are cumin 
 
 Carlo ; Carlo: " 
 
 Ttit / ,.-/ y.tl, u-1,1 .H,1,l III f/lt H,.rt,l 
 
THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE WORLD. 67 
 
 fights ; that the oppressed strikes at the life of the oppres 
 sor. That moment had come to Salix. He stood bolt 
 upright, as cold and as straight as an icicle. His good 
 nature might be seen to drop from him in two pieces, 
 like Cinderella s kitchen garments in the opera. He 
 laid Biddy Timpkins on the top of the barrel, released 
 the horse, giving him a vigorous kick, which sent him 
 flying down the street, and strode indignantly away, 
 leaving Carlo, Miss Gadabout s house, and all other 
 matters in his charge, to the guardianship of chance. 
 ****** 
 
 The last time Salix was seen in the busy haunts of 
 men, he looked the very incarnation of gloom and de 
 spair. His very coat had gone to relieve his necessities, 
 and he wandered slowly and dejectedly about, relieving 
 the workings of his perturbed spirit by kicking whatever 
 fell in his way. 
 
 " I m done," soliloquized he ; " pardenership between 
 me and good-nature is this day dissolved, and all persons 
 indebted will please to settle with the undersigned, who 
 alone is authorized. Yes, there s a good many indebted, 
 and its high time to dissolve, when your pardenerhas sold 
 all the goods and spent all the money. Once I had a 
 little shop ah ! wasn t it nice ? plenty of goods and 
 plenty of business. But then comes one troop of fellows, 
 and they wanted tick I m so good-natured ; then comes 
 another set of chaps, who didn t let bashfulness stand in 
 their way a minute ; they sailed a good deal nearer the 
 wind, and wanted to borry money I m so good-natured ; 
 and more asked me to go security. These fellows were 
 always very particular friends of mine, and got what 
 they asked for ; but I was a very particular friend of 
 theirs, and couldn t get it back. It was one of the 
 good rules that won t work both ways ; and I, somehow 
 
68 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 or other, was at the wrong end of it, for it wouldn t 
 work my way at all. There s few rules that will, bar 
 ring substraction, and division, and alligation, when our 
 folks allegated against me that I wouldn t come to no 
 good. All the cypherin I could ever do made more 
 come to little, and little come to less ; and yet, as I said 
 afore, I had a good many assistants too. 
 
 "Business kept pretty fair; but I wasn t cured. 
 Because I was good-natured, I had to go with em fro 
 licking, tea partying, excursioning, and busting ; and for 
 the same reason, I was always appinted treasurer to 
 make the distribution when there wasn t a cent of sur 
 plus revenue in the treasury, but my own. It was my 
 job to pay all the bills. Yes, it was always Salix, you 
 know me * Salix, pony up at the bar, and lend us a 
 levy * Salix always shells out like a gentleman. Oh ! 
 to be sure, and why not ? now I m shelled out myself 
 first out of my shop by old vcnditioni exponas, at the 
 State House old fiery fash us to me directed. But 
 they didn t direct him soon enough, for he only got the 
 fixtures. The goods had gone out on a bust long before 
 I busted. Next, I was shelled out of my boarding 
 house ; and now," (with a lugubrious glance at his shirt 
 and pantaloons,) "I m nearly shelled out of my clothes. 
 It s a good thing they can t easy shell me out of my 
 skin, or they would, and let me catch my death of cold. 
 I m a mere shell-fish an oyster with the kivers off. 
 
 " But, it was always so when I was a little boy, 
 they coaxed all my pennies out of me ; coaxed me to 
 take all the jawings, and all the hidings, and to go first 
 into all sorts of scrapes, and precious scrapings they 
 used to be. I wonder if there isn t two kinds of people 
 one kind that s made to chaw up t other kind, and t other 
 kind that s made to be chawed up by one kind ? cat- 
 
THE BEST-NATtJRED MAN IN THE WORLD. 69 
 
 Kind of people and mouse-kind of people ? I guess there 
 is I m very much mouse myself. 
 
 ; What I want to know is what s to become of me. 
 I ve spent r.ll I had in getting my eddication. Learnin , 
 they say, is better than houses and lands. I wonder if 
 anybody would swap some house and land with me for 
 mine ? I d go it even, and ask no boot. They should 
 have it at prime cost ; but they won t ; and I begin to be 
 afraid I ll have to get married, or list in the marines. 
 That s what most people do when they ve nothing to 
 
 do." 
 
 #*#*## 
 
 What became of Leniter Salix immediately, is imma 
 terial ; what will become of him eventually, is clear 
 enough. His story is one acting every day, and, though 
 grotesquely sketched, is an evidence of the danger of an 
 accommodating disposition when not regulated by pru 
 dence. The softness of "the best-natured fellow in the 
 world" requires a large admixture of hardening alloy to 
 give it the proper temper. 
 
(70 
 
 A PAIR OF SLIPPERS; 
 
 OR, FALLING WEATHER. 
 
 " Then I, and you, and all of us fell down." 
 
 WHENEVER we look upon the crowded thoroughfare, 
 or regard the large assembly, we are compelled to admit 
 that the infinite variety of form in the human race contri 
 butes largely to the picturesque. The eye travels over 
 the diversity of shape and size without fatigue, and re 
 news its strength by turning from one figure to another, 
 when, at each remove, it is sure to find a difference. 
 Satiated with gazing at rotundity, it is refreshed by a 
 glance at lathiness ; and, tired with stooping to the lowly, 
 it can mount like a bird to the aspiring head which tops 
 a maypole. But, while the potency of these pictorial 
 beauties is admitted, it must be conceded that the varia 
 tions from the true standard, although good for the eye 
 sight, are productive of much inconvenience ; and that, to 
 consider the subject like a Benthamite, utility and the 
 general advantage would be promoted if the total amount 
 of flesh, blood, bone, and muscle were more equally dis 
 tributed. As affairs are at present arranged, it is almost 
 impossible to find a " ready made coat" that will answer 
 one s purpose, and a man may stroll through half the 
 shops in town without being able to purchase a pair of 
 boots which he can wear with any degree of comfort. la 
 
A PAIR OF SLIPPERS. 71 
 
 hanging a lamp, every shop keeper, who " lights up," 
 knows that it is a very troublesome matter so to swing 
 it, that, while the short can see the commodities, the tall 
 will not demolish the glass. If an abbreviated " turnippy" 
 man, in the goodness of his heart and in articulo mortis, 
 bequeaths his wardrobe to a long and gaunt friend, of 
 what service is the posthumous present? It is available 
 merely as new clothing for the juveniles, or as something 
 toward another kitchen carpet. Many a martial spirit is 
 obliged to content himself with civic employment, al 
 though a mere bottle of fire and wrath, because heroism 
 is enlisted by inches, and not by degree. If under " five 
 foot six," Caesar himself could find no favour in the eye 
 of the recruiting sergeant, and Alexander the Great 
 would be allowed to bestride no Bucephalus in a dragoon 
 regiment of modern times. Thus, both they who get too 
 much, and they who get too little, in Dame Nature s ap 
 portionment bill, as well as those who, though abundantly 
 endowed, are not well made up, have divers reasons for 
 grumbling, and for wishing that a more perfect uniformity 
 prevailed. 
 
 Some of the troubles which arise from giving a man 
 more than his share in altitude, find illustration in the 
 subjoined narrative : 
 
 Linkum Langcale is a subject in extenso. He is, to 
 use the words of the poet, suggested by his name, 
 
 " A bout" 
 
 " Of linked sweetness long drawn out ." 
 
 and, in speaking of him, it is not easy to be brief. Lin 
 kum is entirely too long for his own comfort something 
 short if the word short may be used in this connexion 
 something short of the height of the Titans of old, who 
 pelted Saturn with brickbats ; but how much has never 
 
72 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 yet been ascertained, none of his acquaintances being 
 sufficiently acquainted with trigonometry to determine 
 the fact. He is one of those men who, like the gentle 
 Marcia, " tower above their sex," and must always be 
 called down to their dinner, as no information can be 
 imparted to them unless it be hallooed up ; and in con 
 versing with whom, it is always necessary to begin by 
 hailing the maintop. There is not, however, more 
 material in Linkum than enough for a man of ordinary 
 length. The fault is in his not being properly made up. 
 He is abominably wire drawn stretched out, as Shak- 
 speare says, almost to the crack of doom. It is clear 
 that there has been an attempt to make too much of 
 him, but the frame of the idea has not been well filled 
 out. He is the streak of a Colossus, and he resembles 
 the willow wand at which Locksley shot his gray goose 
 shaft in the lists of Ashby de la Zouche. The conse 
 quence is, that Linkum is a crank vessel. If he wore a 
 feather in his cap, he would be capsized at every corner ; 
 and as it is, he finds it very difficult to get along on a 
 windy day, without a paving stone in each coat pocket 
 to preserve the balance of power. He is, however, of a 
 convivial nature, and will not refuse his glass, notwith 
 standing the aptitude of alcohol to ascend into the brain, 
 and so to encumber it as to render a perpendicular 
 position troublesome to men shorter than himself. When 
 in this condition, his troubles are numberless, and among 
 other matters, he finds it very difficult to get a clear fall, 
 there being in compact cities very little room to spare 
 for the accommodation of long men tumbling down in 
 the world. 
 
 One evening Linkum walked forth to a convivial 
 meeting, and supped with a set of jolly companions 
 Late at night a rain came on, which froze as it fell, and 
 
A PAIR OF SLIPPERS. 73 
 
 soon made the city one universal slide, sufficiently 
 " glip" for all purposes, without the aid of saw-dust. 
 Of Linkum s sayings and doings at the social board, no 
 record is preserved ; but it is inferred that his amuse 
 ments were not of a nature to qualify him for the safe 
 performance of a journey so slippery as that which it 
 was necessary to undertake to reach home. No lamps 
 were lighted, they who were abroad being under the 
 necessity of supposing the moonshine, and of seeing 
 their way as they walked, or of gathering themselves up 
 when they fell, by the lantern of imagination. 
 
 " Good night, fellers," said Linkum, at the top of the 
 steps, as the door closed after him. He pulled his hat 
 over his eyes determinedly, buttoned his coat with 
 resolution, and sucked at his cigar with that iron energy 
 peculiar to men about to set forth on their way home on a 
 cold, stormy night. The fire of the cigar reflected from 
 his nose was the only illumination to be seen ; and 
 Linkum, putting his hands deep into his pockets, kept 
 his position on the first step of the six which were 
 between him and the pavement. 
 
 "I ve no doubt," said he, as he puffed forth volumes 
 of smoke, and seemed to cogitate deeply " I ve not the 
 slightest doubt that this is as beautiful a night as ever 
 was ; only it s so dark you can t see the pattern of it. 
 One night is pretty much like another night in the dark ; 
 but it s a great advantage to a good looking evening, if 
 the lamps are lit, so you can twig the stars and the 
 moonshine. The fact is, that in this ere city, we do 
 grow the blackest moons, and the hardest moons to find, 
 I ever did see. Sometimes I m most disposed to send 
 the bellman after em or get a full blooded pinter to 
 pint em out, while I hold a candle to see which way he 
 pints. It wouldn t be a bad notion on sich occasions to 
 
 7 
 
74 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 ask the man in the steeple to ring which way the moon 
 is. Lamps is lamps, and moons is moons, in a business 
 pint of view, but practically they ain t much if the 
 wicks ain t afire. When the luminaries are, as I may 
 say, in the raw, it s bad for me. I can t see the ground 
 as perforately as little fellers, and every dark night I m 
 sure to get a hyst either a forrerd hyst, or a backerd 
 hyst, or some sort of a hyst but more backerds than 
 forrerds, specially in winter. One of the most unfeel 
 ing tricks I know of, is the way some folks have 
 got of laughing out, yaw-haw ! when they see a gen 
 tleman ketching a riggler hyst a long gentleman, 
 for instance, with his legs in the air, and his noddle 
 splat down upon the cold bricks. A hyst of itself is 
 bad enough, without being sniggered at : first, your 
 sconce gets a crack ; then, you see all sorts of stars, 
 and have free admission to the fireworks ; then, you 
 scramble up, feeling as if you had no head on your 
 shoulders, and as if it wasn t you, but some confounded 
 disagreeable feller in your clothes ; yet the jacksnipes 
 all grin, as if the misfortunes of human nature was only 
 a poppet show. I wouldn t mind it, if you could get up 
 and look as if you didn t care. But a man can t rise, 
 after a royal hyst, without letting on he feels flat. In 
 such cases, however, sympathy is all gammon ; and as 
 for sensibility of a winter s day, people keep it all for 
 their own noses, and can t be coaxed to retail it by the 
 small." 
 
 Linkum paused in his prophetic dissertation upon 
 " hysts" the popular pronunciation, in these parts, of 
 the word hoist, which is used quasi lucus a non 
 lucendo to convey the idea of the most complete tum 
 ble which man can experience. A fall, for instance, is 
 indeterminate. It may be an easy slip down a gentle 
 
A PAIR OF SLIPPERS. 75 
 
 visitation of mother earth ; but a hyst is a rapid, forcible 
 performance, which may be done, as Linkum observes, 
 either backward or forward, but of necessity with such 
 violence as to knock the breath out of the body, or it is 
 unworthy of the noble appellation of hyst. It is an apt, 
 but figurative mode of expression, and it is often carried 
 still further ; for people sometimes say, " lower him up, 
 and hyst him down." 
 
 Our hero held on firmly to the railing, and peered 
 keenly into the darkness, without discovering any object 
 on which his vision could rest. The gloom was sub 
 stantial. It required sharper eyes than his to bore a 
 hole in it. The wind was up, and the storm continued 
 to coat the steps and pavements with a sheet of ice. 
 
 "It s raining friz potatoes," observed Linkum; "I 
 feel em, though I can t see em, bumping the end of my 
 nose ; so I must hurry home as fast as I can." 
 
 Heedless and hapless youth ! He made a vain attempt 
 to descend, but, slipping, he came in a sitting posture 
 upon the top step, and, in that attitude, flew down like 
 
 lightning bump ! bump ! bump ! The impetus he had 
 
 acquired prevented him from stopping on the sidewalk, 
 notwithstanding his convulsive efforts to clutch the icy 
 bricks, and he skuted into the gutter, whizzing over the 
 curbstone, and splashing into the water, like a young 
 Niagara. 
 
 A deep silence ensued, broken solely by the pattering 
 of the rain and the howling of the wind. Linkum was 
 an exhausted receiver ; the hyst was perfect, the breath 
 being completely knocked out of him. 
 
 " Laws-a-massy !" at length he panted, " ketching" 
 breath at intervals, and twisting about as if in pain ; " my 
 eyes ! sich a hyst ! Sich a quantity of hysts all in one ! 
 The life s almost bumped out of me, and I m jammed 
 
76 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 up so tight, I don t believe I m so tall by six inches as I 
 was before. I m druv up and clinched, and I ll have to 
 get tucks in my trousers." 
 
 Linkum sat still, ruminating on the curtailment of 
 his fair proportions, and made no effort to rise. The 
 door soon opened again, and Mr. Broad Brevis came 
 forth, at which a low, suppressed chuckle was uttered 
 by Linkum, as he looked over his shoulder, anticipating 
 " a quantity of hysts all in one" for the new comer, 
 whose figure, however, short and stout, was much 
 better calculated for the operation than Linkum s. But 
 Brevis seemed to suspect that the sliding was good, and 
 the skating magnificent. 
 
 " No, you don t !" quoth he, as he tried the step with 
 one foot, and recovered himself; " I haven t seen the 
 Alleghany Portage and inclined planes for nothing. It 
 takes me to diminish the friction, and save the wear and 
 tear." 
 
 So saying, he quietly tucked up his coat tails, and 
 sitting down upon the mat, which he grasped with both 
 hands, gave himself a gentle impulse, crying "All aboard!" 
 and slid slowly but majestically down. As he came to 
 the plain sailing across the pavement, he twanged forth 
 " Ta-ra-ta-ra-ta-ra-tra-a-a !" in excellent imitation of the 
 post horn, and brought up against Linkum. " Clear the 
 course for the express mail, or I ll report you to the 
 department!" roared Brevis, trumpeting the "alarum," 
 so well known to all who have seen a tragedy " Tra- 
 tretra-ta-ra-tra-a-a !" 
 
 That s queer fun, anyhow," said a careful wayfarer, 
 turning the corner, with lantern in hand, and sock on 
 foot, who, after a short parley, was induced to set the 
 gentlemen on their pins. First planting Brevis against 
 the pump, who sang " Let me lean on thee," from the 
 
A PAIR OF SLIPPERS. 77 
 
 Sonnambula, in prime style, he undertook to lift up 
 Linkum. 
 
 " Well," observed the stranger, " this is a chap with 
 out no end to him he d be pretty long a drowning, any 
 how. If there was many more like him in the gutters, 
 it would be better to get a windlass, and wind em up. 
 I never see d a man with so much slack. The corpora 
 tion ought to buy him, starch him up stiff, cut a hole for 
 a clock in his hat, and use him for a steeple ; only 
 Downing wouldn t like to trust himself on the top of 
 such a ricketty concern. Neighbour, shall I fetch the 
 Humane Society s apparatus?" 
 
 " No I ain t drownded, only bumped severe. The 
 curbstones have touched my feelings. I m all over like 
 a map red, blue, and green." 
 
 " Now," said their friendly assistant, grinning at the 
 joke, and at the recompense he had received for the job, 
 " now, you two hook on to one another like Siameses, 
 and mosey. You ve only got to tumble one a top of 
 t other, and it won t hurt. Tortle off it s slick going 
 specially if you re going down. Push ahead !" con 
 tinued he, as he hitched them together ; and away they 
 went, a pair of slippers, arm in arm. Many were their 
 tumbles and many their mischances before they reached 
 their selected resting place. 
 
 "I can t stand this," said Linkum to his companion, 
 as they were slipping" and falling; " but it s mostly owing 
 to my being so tall. I wisli I was razee d, and then it 
 wouldn t happen. The awning posts almost knock the 
 head off me ; I m always tumbling over wheelbarrows, 
 dogs, and children, because, if I look down, I m certain 
 to knock my noddle against something above. It s a com 
 plete nuisance to be so tall. Beds are too short; if you 
 go to a tea-fight, the people are always tumbling over 
 7* 
 
78 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 your trotters, and breaking their noses, which is what 
 young ladies ain t partial to ; and if you tipple too much 
 toddy of a slippery night about as easy a thing to do as 
 you d wish to try you re sure to get a hyst a square long 
 just such a one as I ve had. If I d thought of it, I 
 could have said the multiplication table while I was going 
 the figure. Stumpy chaps, such as you, ain t got no 
 troubles in this world." 
 
 " That s all you know about it," puffed Brevis, as 
 Linkum alternately jerked him from his feet, and then 
 caused him to slide in the opposite direction, with his 
 heels ploughing the ice, like a shaft horse holding back : 
 " phew ! That s all you know about it stumpies have 
 troubles." 
 
 " I can t borrow coats," added Linkum, soliloquiz 
 ing, " because I don t like cuffs at the elbows. I can t 
 borrow pants, because it isn t the fashion to wear knee- 
 breeches, and all my stockings are socks. I can t hide 
 when anybody owes me a lambasting. You can see me 
 a mile. When I sit by the fire, I can t get near enough 
 to warm my body, without burning my knees ; and in a 
 stage-coach, there s no room between the benches, arid 
 the way you get the cramp don t mention it." 
 
 " I don t know nothing about all these things ; but to 
 imagine I was a tall chap " 
 
 " Don t try ; you ll hurt yourself, for it s a great stretch 
 of imagination for a little feller to do that." 
 
 After which amicable colloquy, nothing more was 
 heard of them, except that, before retiring to rest, they 
 chuckled over the idea that the coming spring would 
 sweat the ice to death for the annoyance it had caused 
 them. But ever while they live, will they remember 
 " the night of hysts." 
 
(79) 
 
 INDECISION. 
 
 " An obstinate temper is very disagreeable, particularly in a wife ; 
 a passionate one very shocking in a child ; but for one s own parti 
 cular comfort. Heaven help the possessor of an irresolute one ! Its 
 day of hesitation its night of repentance the mischief it does the 
 misery it feels ! its proprietor may well say, Xobody can tell what 
 I suffer but myself! " 
 
 WE know not to whom the remarks above quoted are 
 to be attributed, but every observer of human actions will 
 acquiesce in their justice. There are few misfortunes 
 greater than the possession of an irresolute mind. Other 
 afflictions are temporary in their nature ; the most inve 
 terate of chronic diseases leaves the patient his hours of 
 comfort ; but he who lacks decision of character must 
 cease to act altogether before he can be released from the 
 suffering it occasions. It is felt, whether the occasion 
 be great or small, whenever there is more than one method 
 of arriving at the same end, and it veers like a giroitetfe 
 at the aspect of alternatives. One can scarcely go so far 
 as the poet, who quaintly says : 
 
 " // needs but thin, be bold, bold, bold / 
 
 77s every virtue told 
 Honour and truth, humanity and skill, 
 The noblest charity the mind can will" 
 
 But the lines are pregnant with meaning. The curse of 
 indecision impedes the growth of virtue, and renders our 
 best powers comparatively inoperative. 
 
80 CHARCOAL SKETCHES, 
 
 It would certainly be the parent of interminable con 
 fusion if all men were qualified to lead in the affairs of 
 the world. The impulse to direct and to command is 
 almost irrepressible. He who is born with it instinct 
 ively places himself at the head of a movement, and 
 clutches the baton of authority as if it had been his play 
 thing from infancy. Even in the sports of childhood, 
 the controlling and master spirit of the merry group is to 
 be detected at a glance ; and, if three men act together 
 for a day, the leading mind discovers and assumes its 
 place. The inferior in mental power sink rapidly to their 
 appropriate station ; the contemplation of an emergency 
 tends to convince them that they are incompetent to head 
 the column, and, although they may grumble a little, 
 they soon fall quietly into the ranks. It, therefore, 
 would not answer if all men had that self-reliance and 
 that iron will which are the essential ingredients in the 
 composition of a leading mind. The community would 
 be broken up into a mob of generals, with never a soldier 
 to be had for love or money. There would be no more 
 harmony extant than there is in the vocal efforts of a 
 roomfull of bacchanalians, when each man singeth his 
 own peculiar song, and hath no care but that he may 
 be louder than his boon companions. Our time would 
 be chiefly spent in trying to disprove the axiom, that 
 when two men ride a horse one must ride behind. Each 
 pony in the field would have riders enough ; but, instead 
 of jogging steadily toward any definite end, he who was 
 in the rear would endeavour to clamber to the front, and 
 thus a species of universal leap-frog would be the order 
 of the day. Great results could not be achieved, for action 
 in masses would be a thing unheard of, and the nations 
 would be a collection of unbound sticks. 
 
 Vet the cultivation of the energies to a certain extent 
 
INDECISION. 
 
 81 
 
 is a matter of import to the welfare and happiness of 
 every individual. We are frequently placed in circum 
 stances in which it is necessary to be our own captain- 
 general ; and, with all deference to the improving spirit 
 of the time, and to the labours of the many who devote 
 themselves to the advancement of education, it must be 
 confessed that the energies do not always receive the at 
 tention to which they are entitled. It is true there is an 
 abundance of teaching; we can scarcely move without 
 coming in contact with a professor of something, who, 
 in the plenitude of his love for his fellows, promises, for 
 the most trifling consideration, to impart as much if not 
 more than he knows himself, in a time so incredibly 
 short that, if we were not aware of the wonder-working 
 power of the high pressure principle, we should not be 
 lieve it ; but no one has yet appeared in the useful character 
 of a " Professor of Decision" no one has yet thought it 
 a good speculation to teach in six lessons of an hour 
 each, the art of being able without assistance speedily to 
 make up the mind upon a given subject, and to keep it 
 made up, like a well-packed knapsack. There are arith 
 meticians and algebraists in plenty ; but the continent 
 may be ranged without finding him who can instruct us 
 how to solve, as Jack Downing would express it, a " tuff 
 sum" in conduct, and to act unflinchingly upon the 
 answer; and ingenuity has discovered no instrument to 
 screw the mind to the sticking place. Now, although 
 humility may be a very amiable characteristic, and defer 
 ence to the opinions of others a very pleasing trait, yet 
 promptness in decision and boldness in action form the 
 best leggins with which to scramble through the thistles 
 and prickles of active life ; and a professor of the kind 
 alluded to would doubtless have many pupils from the 
 ranks of those who have, by virtue of sundry tears 
 
82 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and scratches, become anxious for a pair of nether in 
 teguments of that description. At least, he might rely 
 upon 
 
 DUBERLY DOUBTINGTON, 
 
 THE MAN WHO COULDN T MAKE UP HIS MIND 
 
 " LEAH, tell your master dinner s been waiting for him 
 this hour." 
 
 " He can t come, mem ; the man s with him yet, 
 mem." 
 
 " What man?" 
 
 " The solumcolly man, mem ; the man that stays so 
 .ong, and is always so hard to go." 
 
 Every one who has visiters is aware of the great 
 difference among them in the matter referred to by Leah. 
 In fact, they may be divided into two classes visiters 
 who are " easy to go" and administer themselves, accord 
 ing to Hahnemann, in homoeopathic doses, and visiters 
 who are "hard to go," and are exhibited in quantity, in 
 conformity with regular practice. 
 
 The individual who was guilty of keeping Mr. Edax 
 Rerum from his dinner was Duberly Doubtington, a 
 man who couldn t make up his mind a defect of cha 
 racter which rendered him peculiarly hard to go, and 
 made him responsible for having caused many to eat 
 their mutton cold. It was Juliet who found, 
 
 " Parting such sweet sorrow, 
 That she could say good night till it be morrow /" 
 
 and Duberly s farewells are equally interminable. When 
 he has once fairly effected a lodgment, he is rooted to 
 
DUBERLY DOUBTIXGTOX. 83 
 
 the spot. It is as difficult for him to go off, as it frequent 
 ly is for stage heroes to make their pistols shoot. But, 
 though it is hard for him to go, yet he finds it quite easy 
 to be hours in going. By way of preparation, he first 
 reaches his hat, and " smooths its raven down." He 
 then lays it aside again for the greater convenience of 
 drawing on a glove, and that operation being completed, 
 the gauntlet is speedily drawn off that he may adjust his 
 side-locks. Much time being consumed in these inte 
 resting preliminaries, he has no difficulty at all in em 
 ploying an additional hour when once fairly upon his 
 legs. He discourses over the back of his chair, he 
 pauses at the parlour door, he hesitates in the hall, and 
 rallies manfully on the outer steps. The colder the 
 weather the more determined his grasp upon his victim, 
 having decidedly the advantage over the resident of the 
 mansion, in being hatted, coated, and gloved. In this 
 way, indeed, he deserves a medal from the faculty for 
 cutting out doctor s work, especially in influenza times. 
 The straps and buckles of Duberly s resolution will 
 not hold, no matter how tightly he may pull them up, 
 and he has suffered much in the unphilosophic attempt 
 to sit upon two stools. When he starts upon a race, an 
 imconsidered shade of opinion is sure to catch him by 
 the skirt, and draw him back. He is, in a measure, 
 Fabian in policy. He shifts his position continually, 
 and never hazards an attack. His warfare is a succes 
 sion of feints and unfinished demonstrations, and he has 
 been aptly likened to a leaden razor, which looks sharp 
 enough, but will turn in the cutting. He is in want of 
 a pair of mental spectacles ; for he has a weakness in the 
 optic nerve of his mind s eye which prevents him, in 
 regarding the future, from seeing beyond the nose of the 
 present movement. The chemistry of events, which 
 
84 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 figures out ulterior results from immediate combination 
 and instant action, is a science as yet unknown to Du- 
 berly, Doubtington. He cannot tell what to think ; he 
 knows not what to do. The situations in which he is 
 placed have never occurred to him before ; the lights of 
 experience are wanting, and he is therefore perplexed 
 in the labyrinth. Like the fabled coffin of Mohammed, 
 he is always in a state of " betweenity." He is, in short, 
 as a forcible writer well observes, one of those unfortu 
 nate people who seldom experience " the sweet slumber 
 of a decided opinion" 
 
 Such is the moral man of Duberly Doubtington, and 
 his physical man betrays traits of indecision equally as 
 strong. He tries to encourage his heart by cocking his 
 beaver a la militaire, but its furry fierceness cannot 
 contradict the expression of the features it surmounts. 
 His eyebrows form an uncertain arch, rising nearly an 
 inch above the right line of determination, and the button 
 of his nose is so large and blunt as to lend any thing but 
 a penetrating look to his countenance. His under lip 
 droops as if afraid to clench resolutely with its antago 
 nist; and his whiskers hang dejectedly down, instead of 
 bristling like a chevaux defrise toward the outer angle 
 of the eye. The hands of Mr. Doubtington always 
 repose in his pockets, unwilling to trust to their own 
 means of support, and he invariably leans his back 
 against the nearest sustaining object. When he walks, 
 his feet shuffle here and there so dubiously that one may 
 swear they have no specific orders where to go ; and so 
 indefinite are the motions of his body, that even the tails 
 of his coat have no characteristic swing. They look, 
 not like Mr. Doubtington s coat-tails, but like coat-tails 
 in the abstract undecided coat-tails, that have not yet 
 got the hang of anybody s back, and have acquired no 
 
DUBERLY DOUBTINGTON. 85 
 
 more individuality than those which dangle at the shop 
 doors in Water street. 
 
 Duberly Doubtington was at one time tolerably com 
 fortable in his pecuniary circumstances. His father had 
 been successful in trade, and, of course, thought it un 
 necessary to teach his children to make up their minds 
 about any thing but enjoying themselves. This neglect, 
 however, proved fatal to the elder Doubtington. 
 
 That worthy individual being taken one warm summer 
 afternoon with an apoplectic fit, the younger Doubtington 
 was so perplexed whether or not to send for a physician, 
 and if he did, what physician should be called in 
 whether he should or should not try to bleed him with 
 a penknife, and whether it was most advisable to have 
 him put to bed up stairs or to leave him upon the sofa 
 down stairs, that the old gentleman, being rather pressed 
 for time, could not await the end of the debate, and 
 quietly slipped out of the world before his son could 
 make up his mind as to the best method of keeping him 
 in it. In fact, it was almost a chance that the senior 
 Doubtington obtained sepulture at all, as Duberly could 
 not make up his mind where that necessary business 
 should take place ; and he would have been balancing the 
 pros and cons of the question to this day, if some other 
 person, more prompt of decision, had not settled the 
 matter. 
 
 Duberly Doubtington was now his own master. 
 There were none entitled to direct, to control, or to 
 advise him. He was the Phaeton of his own fortunes, and 
 could drive the chariot where he pleased. But, although 
 he had often looked forward to this important period 
 with much satisfaction, and had theorised upon it with 
 great delight, yet in practice he found it not quite so well 
 adapted to his peculiar abilities as he thought it would 
 8 
 
86 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 be. A share of decision is required even by those who 
 are placed beyond the necessity of toiling for bread. The 
 disposition of his means frequently called on him to 
 resolve upon a definite course. 
 
 " I regard it as a very fair investment, Mr. Doubt- 
 ington," said his broker ; " your money is useless 
 where it is." 
 
 But, what do you advise ? under the circumstances, 
 what should I do ?" replied Duberly. 
 
 " Of course, I don t pretend to direct. I want no un 
 necessary responsibility. There s no knowing what 
 may happen these slippery times. I think the chance a 
 good one ; but make up your mind about it." 
 
 There are people who talk about making up one s 
 mind as if it were a task as easy as to eat a dinner, or 
 as if it were as purely mechanical as driving a nail, or 
 putting on a pair of old familiar boots. 
 
 " I pay that man for attending to my business," 
 muttered Duberly, " and yet he has the impudence to 
 tell me to make up my mind ! That s the very thing I 
 want him to do for me. The tailor makes my clothes 
 Sally makes my bed nature makes my whiskers, and 
 John makes my fires ; yet I must be bothered to make 
 up my mind about money matters ! I can t the greatest 
 nuisances alive are these responsibility shifting people ; 
 and, if some one would tell me who else to get to attend 
 to my business, I d send that fellow flying." 
 
 Difficult, however, as he supposed it would be, Duber 
 ly at length found a gentleman manager of his pecuniary 
 affairs, who never troubled him to make up his mind, 
 with what results shall appear anon. 
 
 Duberly could not resolve whether it was the best 
 policy to travel first in the old world or in the new, and 
 he therefore did neither ; but as time is always heavy on 
 
DUBERLY DOUBTIXGTON. 87 
 
 the hands of those who have much of it at disposal, and 
 as it is difficult to lounge eternally at home, or in the 
 street, he slowly established what the Scotch call a 
 " howf for each portion of the day. In the morning 
 he dozed over the newspapers at a reading- room ; be 
 tween noon and the dinner hour, he lolled upon three 
 chairs at the office of his friend Capias the lawyer, by 
 way of facilitating that individual s business ; the after 
 noon was divided between whittling switches at home 
 and riding to some popular resort, where he cut his name 
 upon the table. In the evening, if he did not yawn at 
 the theatre, he visited some hospitable mansion, where 
 the elders were good natured and the juniors agreeable. 
 
 At the house of Mrs. St. Simon Sapsago, a bouncing 
 widow, with a dashing son, and a pair of daughters, 
 Mr. Duberly Doubtington was invariably well received ; 
 for, although he could not make up his mind, he was in 
 other respects so " eligible" that Mrs. St. Simon Sapsago 
 was always pleased to see him, and willing that he 
 should either listen or talk as much as he liked within 
 her doors. Miss Ethelinda St. Simon Sapsago was a 
 very pretty girl ; and, for some reason or other, comported 
 herself so graciously to Duberly, that, when troubled to 
 form a conclusion, he usually asked her advice, and to his 
 great satisfaction, was sure to receive it in a comfortable, 
 decisive way. 
 
 " Miss Ethelinda, I m trying to make up my mind 
 about coats ; but I can t tell whether I like bright but 
 tons or not. Nor do I know exactly which are the 
 nicest colours. I do wish there was only one sort of 
 buttons, and only one kind of colour ; the way every 
 thing is now, is so tiresome one s perpetually both 
 ered." 
 
 So Ethelinda St. Simon Sapsago, with her sweetest 
 
88 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 smile, would give her views upon the subject, to Duber- 
 ly s great delight. In fact, she was his " council s con 
 sistory ;" or, as the Indians have it, she was his "sense- 
 bearer," a very important item in the sum total of one s 
 domestic relations. 
 
 But, though these consultations were very frequent, 
 still Duberly said nothing to the purpose, notwithstand 
 ing the fact that every one looked upon it as a " settled 
 thing," and wanted to know when it was to be. Duberly 
 Doubtington, however, never dreamed of matrimony ; or 
 if he did, it only floated like a vague mist across the 
 distant horizon of his speculative thoughts. He regarded 
 it as a matter of course that, at some period or other, he 
 should have a wife and children just as we all expect 
 either to be bald, or to have gray hairs, and to die : but 
 he shivered at the idea of being called on to make up his 
 mind on such a step. He had a faint hope that he 
 would be married, as it were, imperceptibly; that it 
 would, like old age, steal upon him by degrees, so that he 
 might be used to it before he found it out. The connu 
 bial state, however, is not a one into which a Doubtington 
 can slide by degrees ; there is no such thing as being im 
 perceptibly married, a fact of which Mrs. and Miss St. 
 Simon Sapsago were fully aware, and, therefore, resolved 
 to precipitate matters by awakening Duberly s jealousy. 
 
 Ethelinda became cold upon giving her advice on the 
 subject of new coats and other matters. Indeed, when 
 asked by Duberly whether she did not think it would be 
 better for him to curtail his whiskers somewhat during 
 the summer months, she went so far as to say that she 
 didn t care what he did with them, and that she never 
 had observed whether he wore huge corsair whiskers, or 
 lawyerlike apologies. Duberly was shocked at a 
 defection so flagrant on the part of his " sense-bearer." 
 
DUBERLY DOUBTINGTOX. 89 
 
 Insult his whiskers ! he couldn t make up his mind 
 what to think of it. 
 
 But still more shocked was he when he observed that 
 she smiled upon Mr. Adolphus Fitzflam, who cultivated 
 immense black curls, latitudinarian whiskers, black 
 moustaches, with an imperial to match Fitzflam, who 
 maJe it the business of his life to " do the appalling," and 
 out-haired everybody except the bison at the " Zoolo 
 gical Institute." Duberly felt uncomfortable ; he was not 
 in I ve at least he had never found it out but he was 
 troubled with a general uneasiness, an oppression, a de 
 pression, and a want of appetite. * Gastric derangement," 
 said the quack advertisements, and Duberly took a box 
 of pills: "but one disease," said the newspapers, and 
 Duberly swallowed another box of pills, but without 
 relief. Whenever Fitzflam approached, the symptoms 
 returned. 
 
 "I can t make up my mind about it," said Duberly; 
 " but I don t think I like that buffalo fellow, Fitzflam. 
 Why don t they make him up into mattrasses, and stuff 
 
 cushions with whatever s left?" 
 
 ****** 
 
 * Mr. Doubtington, isn t Augustus Fitzflam a duck ?" 
 said Ethelinda one evening when they were left tete-a- 
 tete ; " such beautiful hair !" 
 
 "I can t tell whether he s a duck or not," said Du 
 berly, dryly, "I haven t seen much more of him than the 
 tip of his nose; but, if not a member of the goose 
 family, he will some day share the fate of the man I saw 
 at Fairmount be drowned in his own locks." 
 
 " But he looks so romantic so piratical as if he had 
 something on his mind, never slept, and had a silent 
 sorrow here." 
 
 8* 
 
90 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " He had better try a box of the vegetable pills," 
 thought Duberly. 
 
 " Well, I do declare it s not surprising that so many 
 have fallen in love with Adolphus Fitzflam," and Miss 
 Ethelinda St. Simon Sapsago breathed a scarcely per 
 ceptible sigh. 
 
 Duberly started his eyes were opened to his own 
 complaint at once, and somehow or other, without 
 making up his mind, he hurriedly declared himself. 
 
 " Speak to my ma," faintly whispered Miss Ethelin 
 da St. Simon Sapsago. 
 
 "To-morrow," replied Duberly Doubtington, taking 
 a tender, but rapid farewell. 
 
 Duberly was horror-struck at his own rashness. He 
 tossed and rolled all night, trying to make up his mind 
 as to the propriety of his conduct. He stayed at home 
 all day for the same purpose, and the next day found 
 him still irresolute. 
 
 " Mrs. St. Simon Sapsago s compliments, and wishes 
 to know if Mr. Duberly Doubtington is ill." 
 
 "No!" 
 
 Three days more, and yet the mind of Mr. Doubting- 
 ton was a prey to perplexity. 
 
 Mr. Julius St. Simon Sapsago called to ask the 
 meaning of his conduct, and Duberly promised to inform 
 him when he had made up his mind. 
 
 Mr. Adolphus Fitzflam, as the friend of Julius St. S. 
 Sapsago, with a challenge. 
 
 "Leave your errand, boy," said Doubtington, angrily, 
 "and go." 
 
 Fitzflam winked at the irregularity, and retreated. 
 
 Duberly lighted a cigar with the cartel, and puffed 
 away vigorously. 
 
DUBERLY DOUBTINGTON. 91 
 
 What s to be done ? marry, or be shot ! I don t 
 like either at least, I ve come to no conclusion on the 
 subject. When I ve made up my mind, I ll let era 
 know plenty of time." 
 
 No notice being taken of the challenge, Mr. Julius St. 
 Simon Sapsago assaulted Mr. Doubtington in the street 
 with a horsewhip, while Fitzflam stood by to enjoy the 
 sport. There is nothing like a smart external application 
 to quicken the mental faculties, and so our hero found it. 
 
 " Stop !" said he, dancing a la Celeste. 
 
 "You re a scoundrel!" cried Julius, and the whip 
 cracked merrily. 
 
 " I ve made up my mind !" replied Duberly, suddenly 
 shooting his clenched fist into the countenance of the 
 flagellating Julius, who turned a backward summerset 
 over a wheelbarrow. Fitzflam lost his hat in an abrupt 
 retreat up the street, and he was fortunate in his swift 
 ness, for, " had all his hairs been lives," Duberly would 
 have plucked them. 
 
 But, from this moment, the star of Duberly Doubting- 
 ton began to wane. The case of Sapsago versus Doubt 
 ington, for breach of promise of marriage, made heavy 
 inroads upon his fortune. His new man of business, 
 who took the responsibility of managing his money 
 affairs without pestering him for directions, sunk the 
 whole of his cash in the Bubble and Squeak Railroad and 
 Canal Company, incorporated with banking privileges. 
 Doubtington, therefore, for once was resolute, and turned 
 politician ; and in this capacity it was that he called upon 
 Mr. Edax Rerum for his influence to procure him an 
 office. He still lives in the hope of a place, but, unluck 
 ily for himself, can never make up his mind on which 
 side to be zealous until the crisis is past and zeal is 
 useless. 
 
92 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 His last performance was characteristic. Having 
 escorted the Hon. Phinkey Phunks to the steamboat, the 
 vessel began to move before he had stepped ashore. 
 He stood trembling on the brink. "Jump, you fool!" 
 said a jarvey. " Take keer it s too fur!" said a news 
 paper boy. The advice being balanced, Doubtington 
 was perplexed, and, making a half step, as the distance 
 widened, he plumped into the river. He was fished out 
 almost drowned, and, as he stood streaming and wo-be- 
 gone upon the wharf, while other less liquid patriots earned 
 golden opinions by shouting, " Hurrah for Phunks !" 
 imagination could scarcely conceive a more appropriate 
 emblem of the results of indecision than that presented 
 by Duberly Doubtington, a man who, had it been left to 
 himself, would never have been in the world at all. 
 
(93) 
 
 DILLY JONES; 
 
 OR, THE PROGRESS OF IMPROVEMENT. 
 
 ONE of the most difficult things in the world is to run 
 before the wind ; and, by judiciously observing the 
 changes of the weather, to avoid being thrown out. 
 Fashion is so unsteady, and improvements are so rapid, 
 that the man whose vocation yields him an abundant 
 harvest now, may, in a few years, if he has not a keen 
 eye, and a plastic versatility, find that his skill and his 
 business are both useless. Many were the poor barbers 
 shipwrecked by the tax upon hair-powder, and numerous 
 were the leather breeches makers who were destroyed 
 by the triumph of woollens. Their skill was doubtless 
 very great, but it would not avail in a contest against the 
 usages of the world ; and unless they had the capacity 
 to strike out a new course, they all shared the fate of 
 their commodities, and retired to the dark cellars of popu 
 lar estimation. Every day shows us the same principle 
 of change at work, and no one has more reason to reflect 
 and mourn about it than one Dilly Jones of this city. 
 Dilly is not, perhaps, precisely the person who would be 
 chronicled by the memoir writers of the time, or have a 
 monument erected to him if he were no more ; but Dilly 
 is a man of a useful though humble vocation, and no one 
 can saw hickory with more classic elegance, or sit upon 
 
94 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the curbstone and take his dinner with more picturesque 
 effect. 
 
 Yet, as has been hinted above, Dilly has his sorrows, 
 particularly at night, after a hard day s work, when his 
 animal spirits have been exhausted by reducing gum logs 
 to the proper measure. In the morning he is full of life 
 and energy, feeling as if he could saw a cord of Shot- 
 towers, and snap the pillars of the Bank across his knee 
 like pipe stems. In the full flush of confidence at that 
 time of day, reflection batters against him in vain ; but 
 as the night draws on, Dilly feels exhausted and spirit 
 less. His enthusiasm seems to disappear with the sun, 
 and neither the moon nor the stars can cause hi^h tide in 
 the river of his mind. The current of his good spirits 
 shrinks in its channel, leaving the gay and gorgeous 
 barques of hope and confidence drearily ashore on the 
 muddy flats ; and his heart fails him as if it were useless 
 longer to struggle against adversity. 
 
 It was in this mood that he was once seen travelling 
 homeward, with his horse and saw fixed scientifically 
 upoji his shoulders. He meandered in his path in the 
 way peculiar to men of his vocation, and travelled with 
 that curvilinear elegance which at once indicates that he 
 who practises it is of the wood-sawing profession, and 
 illustrates the lopsided consequences of giving one leg 
 more to do than the other. But Dilly was too melan 
 choly on this occasion to feel proud of his professional 
 air, and perhaps, had he thought of it, would have re 
 proved the leg which performed the "sweep of sixty," 
 for indulging in such graces, and thereby embarrassing 
 its more humble brother, which, knowing that a right 
 line is the shortest distance between two places, laboured 
 to go straight to its destination. Dilly, however, had no 
 
DILLY JONES. 95 
 
 such stuff in his thoughts. His mind was reasoning from 
 the past to the future, and was mournfully meditating 
 upon the difficulties of keeping up with the changes of 
 the times, which roll onward like a Juggernaut, and crush 
 all who are not swift enough to maintain themselves in 
 the lead. He wondered why fashions and customs 
 should so continually change, and repined that he could 
 not put a spoke in their wheel, that the trade of one s 
 early days might likewise be the trade of one s latter 
 years. So complete was his abstraction that he uncon 
 sciously uttered his thoughts aloud : 
 
 " Sawing wood s going all to smash," said he, " and 
 that s where every thing goes what I speculates in. This 
 here coal is doing us up. Ever since these black stones 
 was brought to town, the wood-sawyers and pilers, and 
 them soap-fat and hickory-ashes men, has been going 
 down; and, for my part, I can t say as how I see what s 
 to be the end of all their new-fangled contraptions. But 
 it s always so ; I m always crawling out of the little end 
 of the horn. I began life in a comfortable sort of a way ; 
 selling oysters out of a wheelbarrow, all clear grit, and 
 didn t owe nobody nothing. Oysters went down slick 
 enough for a while, but at last cellars was invented, and 
 darn the oyster, no matter how nice it was pickled, could 
 poor Dill sell ; so I had to eat up capital and profits my 
 self. Then the * pepree pot smoking was sot up, and 
 went ahead pretty considerable for a time ; but a parcel 
 of fellers come into it, said my cats wasn t as good as 
 their n, when I know d they was as fresh as any cats in 
 the market ; and pepree pot was no go. Bean soup was 
 just as bad ; people said kittens wasn t good done that 
 way, and the more I hollered, the more the customers 
 wouldn t come, and them what did, wanted tick. Along 
 with the boys and their pewter ftps, them what got trust 
 
96 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and didn t pay, and the abusing of my goods, I was soon 
 fotch d up in the victualling line and I busted for the 
 benefit of my creditors. But genius riz. I made a raise 
 of a horse and saw, after being a wood-piler s prentice 
 for a while, and working till I was free, and now here 
 comes the coal to knock this business in the head. My 
 people s decent people, and I can t disgrace em by turn 
 ing Charcoal Jemmy, or smashing the black stones with 
 a pickaxe. They wouldn t let me into no society at all 
 if I did." 
 
 The idea of being excluded from the upper circles of 
 he society in which he had been in the habit of moving, 
 fell heavily upon the heart of poor Dilly Jones. He 
 imagined the curled lips and scornful glances of the aris 
 tocratic fair, who now listened with gratification to his 
 compliments and to his soft nonsense ; he saw himself 
 passed unrecognised in the street absolutely cut by his 
 present familiar friends, and the thought of losing caste 
 almost crushed his already dejected spirit. 
 
 The workings of his imagination, combined with the 
 fatigue of his limbs, caused such exhaustion, that, dis 
 lodging his horse from his shoulder, lie converted it into 
 a camp-stool, seated himself under the lee of a shop 
 window, and, after slinging his saw petulantly at a dog, 
 gazed with vacant eyes upon the people who occasionally 
 passed, and glanced at him with curiosity. 
 
 " Hey, mister !" said a shop-boy, at last, " I want to 
 get shut of you, cause we re goin to shet up. You re 
 right in the way, and if you don t boom along, why Ben 
 and me will have to play hysence, clearance, puddin s out 
 with you afore you ve time to chalk your knuckles 
 won t we, Ben ?" 
 
 " We ll plump him off of baste before he can say fliance, 
 or get a sneak. We re knuckle dabsters, both on us. 
 
D1LLY JONES. 97 
 
 You d better emigrate the old man s coming, and if he 
 finds you here, he ll play the mischief with you, hefore 
 you can sinsf out I m up if you knock it and ketch. " 
 
 So saying, the two lads placed themselves one on each 
 side of Dilly, and began swinging their arms with an ex 
 pression that hinted very plainly at a forcible ejectment. 
 Dilly, however, who had forgotten all that he ever knew 
 of the phrases so familiar to those who scientifically under 
 stand the profound game of marbles, wore the puzzled 
 air of one who labours to comprehend what is said to him. 
 But the meaning became so apparent as not to be mis 
 taken, when Ben gave a sudden pull at the horse which 
 almost dismounted the rider. 
 
 " Don t be so unfeelin ," ejaculated Dilly, as he clutch 
 ed the cross-bars of his seat ; " don t be unfeelin , for a 
 man in grief is like a wood-piler in a cellar mind how 
 you chuck, or you ll crack his calabash." 
 
 "Take care of your calabash then," was the grinning 
 response ; " you must skeete, even if you have to cut 
 high-dutchers with your irons loose, and that s no 
 fun." 
 
 " High-dutch yourself, if you know how ; only go 
 way from me, cause I ain t got no time." 
 
 "Well," said the boys, "haven t we caught you 
 on our payment? what do you mean by crying here 
 what do you foller when you re at home?" 
 
 " I works in wood ; that s what I foller." 
 
 " You re a carpenter, I s pose," said Ben, winking at 
 Tom. 
 
 " No, not exactly ; but I saws wood better nor any 
 half dozen loafs about the drawbridge. If it wasn t for 
 grief, I d give both of you six, and beat you too the best 
 day you ever saw, goin the rale gum and hickory for I 
 don t believe you re gentlemen s sons ; nothin but poor 
 
 9 
 
98 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 trash half and half want to be and can t, or you 
 wouldn t keep a troubling of me." 
 
 " Gauley, Ben, if he isn t a wharf-rat! If you don t 
 trot, as I ve told you a ready, boss will be down upon 
 you and fetch you up like a catty on a cork-line jerk !" 
 
 " That s enough," replied Dilly ; " there s more places 
 nor one in the world at least there is yet ; new fash 
 ions haven t shut up the streets yet, and obligated people 
 to hire hackney balloons if they want to go a walkin , or 
 omnibus boardin houses when they want a fip s worth 
 of dinner, or a levy s worth of sleep. Natural legs is 
 got some chance for a while anyhow, and a man can get 
 along if he ain t got clock-vurks to make him go. 
 
 I hope, by m by," added Dill scornfully, as he 
 marched away from the chuckling lads, " that there 
 won t be no boys to plague people. I d vote for that 
 new fashion myself. Boys is luisances, accordin to 
 me." 
 
 He continued to soliloquize as he went, and his last 
 observations were as follows : 
 
 " I wonder, if they wouldn t list me for a Charley ? 
 Hollering oysters and bean soup has guv me a splendid 
 woice ; and instead of skeering em away, if the thieves 
 were to hear me singing out, my style of doing it would 
 almost coax em to come and be took up. They d feel 
 like a bird when a snake is after it, and would walk up, 
 and poke their coat collars right into my fist. Then, after 
 a while, I d perhaps be promoted to the fancy business of 
 pig ketching, which, though it is werry light and werry 
 elegant, requires genus. Tisn t every man that can come 
 the scientifics in that line, and has studied the nature of 
 a pig, so as to beat him at canoeuvering, and make him 
 surrender cause he sees it ain t no use of doing nothing. 
 It wants laming to con wince them critters, and it s only 
 
DILLY JONES. 99 
 
 to be done by heading em up handsome, hopping which 
 ever way they hop, and tripping em up genteel by 
 shaking hands with their off hind leg. I d scorn to pull 
 their tails out by the roots, or to hurt their feelin s by 
 drawing em about by the ears. 
 
 But what s the use ? If I was listed, they d soon find 
 out to holler the hour and to ketch the thieves by steam ; 
 yes, and they d take *em to court on a railroad, and try 
 em with failing water. They 11 soon have black locomotives 
 for watchmen and constables, and big bilers for judges 
 and mayors. Pigs will be ketched by steam, and will be 
 biled fit to eat before they are done squealing. By and 
 by, folks won t be of no use at all. There won t be no 
 people in the world but tea kettles ; no mouths, but safety 
 valves-; and no talking, but blowing off steam. If I had 
 a little biler inside of me, I d turn omnibus, and week 
 days I d run from Kensington to the Navy Yard, and 
 Sundays I d run to Fairinount." 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 
 
 " Tvvas fat, not fate, by which Napoleon fell." 
 
 THERE is a little man in a sister city there are little 
 men in most cities but the one now on the tapis is a pecu 
 liar little man a fat little man. He is one who may be 
 described as a person about five feet five feet high and 
 very nearly five feet thick, bearing much resemblance to 
 a large New England pumpkin stuck upon a pair of beets. 
 When he lies down to sleep, were it not for his nose at 
 one extremity and his toes at the other, the spectator 
 would naturally suppose that he was standing upright 
 under the cover. When he descends the stairs, he might 
 as well roll on his side as fatigue himself with walking; 
 and, as for tumbling down as other people tumble down, 
 that is out of the question with Berry Huckel, or lluckel 
 Berry, as he is sometimes called, because of his round 
 ness. Should he, however, chance to trip, which he is 
 apt to do, not being able to reconnoitre the ground in the 
 vicinity of his feet, before he achieves a fair start from 
 the perpendicular, his " corporosity" touches the ground 
 which his hands in vain attempt to reach, and he remains, 
 until helped up, in the position of a schoolboy stretching 
 himself over a cotton bale. Had he been the Lucius 
 Junius of antiquity, the Pythia would never have been 
 so silly as to advise him to kiss his mother earth ; for 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 101 
 
 unless his legs are tilted up by some one like the handles 
 of a wheelbarrow, Berry Huckel can never bite the dust. 
 He cannot fall on his nose that glorious privilege has 
 been denied to men of his periphery ; but when enjoying 
 moderate serenity of mind. #er js-.a-lways. abjo to sleep 
 o nights, therein having no trifling advantage over your 
 Seurats, your Edson5, your. waliing 1 ^aJvjto^piGs; whose 
 aspect is a reproach to those who have the feeding of 
 them. 
 
 But biographical accuracy, and a desire that future 
 generations may not be misled as to those important facts 
 which make up the aggregate of history, render it neces 
 sary to avow that these fleshy attributes worry Mr. Berry 
 Huckel. He cannot look upon the slender longitude of 
 a bean-pole, he cannot observe the attenuated extent of a 
 hop-stick, or regard the military dandyism of a grey 
 hound s waist, without experiencing emotions of envy, 
 and wishing that he had himself been born to the same 
 lankiness of figure, the same emaciation of contour. He 
 rejoices not in his dimensions, and, contrary to ail rules 
 in physical science, believes that what he sains in weight, 
 he loses in importance. It must, however, be confessed 
 that he has some reason for discontent. He cannot wear 
 shoes, for he must have assistance to tie them, and other 
 fingers than his own to pull them up at heel. Boots are 
 not without their vexations, although he has a pair of 
 long hooks constructed expressly for his own use ; and 
 should a mosquito bite his knee which mosquitoes are 
 apt to do it costs him a penny to hire a boy to scratch 
 it. Berry is addicted to literature, and once upon a time 
 could write tolerable verses, when he was thin enough to 
 sit so near a table as to be able to write upon it. But this 
 is not the case at present. His body is too large, and his 
 arms too short, for such an achievement. 
 9* 
 
102 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 It is happily so arranged that the mind of man in 
 general accommodates itself to circumstances. We 
 become reconciled to that which is beyond remedy, 
 and at length scarcely bestow a thought upon subjects 
 which, when new, \ve.:e sources of much disquietude and 
 annoyanc.e. In fact, owing to the.compensating principle 
 so oftv ncte<l on by i-a.turn, if is by no means rare to 
 find vanity flourishing most luxuriantly in those who 
 have least cause to entertain the feeling. The more 
 numerous our defects, the greater is our self-satisfaction, 
 and thus the bitterness and discontent that might be 
 engendered by a knowledge that in mental or in physi 
 cal gifts we are far inferior to the majority of mankind, 
 are harmlessly and pleasantly prevented. Who so happy 
 as the simpleton, who is unconscious of any difference 
 between himself and the superior spirits with whom he 
 is thrown in contact, and who would smilingly babble 
 his niaiseries in the presence of the assembled wisdom 
 of the world ? Who look more frequently or with 
 greater delight into the mirror, than they who have in 
 truth but little reason to be gratified with the object it 
 reflects? and who indulge more in personal adornment 
 than they in whom it would be the best policy to avoid 
 display, and to attract the least possible attention to their 
 outward proportions ? The ugly man is apt to imagine 
 that the fair are in danger of being smitten with him at first 
 sight, and perhaps but we do not pretend to much 
 knowledge on this branch of the subject, though suspect 
 ing, contrary to the received opinion, that the masculine 
 gender are much more liable to the delusions of conceit 
 than the softer sex, and that the guilty, having a more 
 perfect command of the public ear, have in this instance, 
 as in many others, charged their own sins upon the 
 guiltless perhaps plain women are to a certain extent 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 103 
 
 subject to the same imputation. But who, even if he had 
 the power, would be so unfeeling as to dissolve the charm 
 and dissipate the * glamour" which is so potent in making 
 up the estimate, when we sit in judgment on ourselves ? 
 "Who, indeed, could do it safely? for every one is 
 indebted to the witchery of self-deception for no small 
 portion of the comfortable sensations that strew flow 
 ers on his path through life ; and it would be the 
 height of cruelty if the " giftie" desired by Burns were 
 accorded, enabling us to " see oursels as ithers see us." 
 It was had it been carried out to its full extent an 
 unkind offer, that of Cassius to play the moral looking- 
 glass to his brother conspirator, and " show that to 
 himself which he yet knew not of." If true and unre 
 lenting in its office, such a looking-glass would be in 
 danger of a fracture, and it would have the alternatives 
 of being either considered as a malicious exaggerator, or 
 as a mere falsifier that delights to wound. 
 
 But digression is a runaway steed, all this bears but 
 slantingly on Berry Huckel, and they who love not 
 generalizing, may substitute for it the individual specifi 
 cation that, owing to the comforting operation of custom, 
 even Berry might not have troubled himself on the score 
 of the circumstantial and substantial fat by which he is 
 enveloped, had it not been that in addition to an affection 
 for himself, he had a desire that he should be equally 
 esteemed by another. In short, Berry discovered, like 
 many other people, that his sensibilities were expansive 
 as well as his figure that it was not all "sufficient to 
 happiness to love one s self, and that his heart was more 
 than a sulky, being" sufficient to carry two. Although so 
 well fenced in, his soul was to be reached, and when 
 reached, it was peculiarly susceptible of soft impressions. 
 * The blind bow-boy s butt-shaft" never had a better mark. 
 
104 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 In love, however, like does not consort with like 
 either in complexion, in figure, or in temper, or each 
 race would preserve its distinct lineage with the regu 
 larity of the stripes upon the tartan. The fiery little 
 man little men are almost always fiery, a fact which 
 can only be accounted for on the theory, that whether the 
 individual be big or little, he contains the same quantity 
 of the electro-magnetism of vitality, or in other words, of 
 the spirit of life, this spirit in a large body, having a 
 greater amount of matter to animate, cannot afford to 
 flash and blaze except on extraordinary occasions 
 while, being superabundant in the smaller figure, it has 
 a surplus on hand, which stimulates to restlessness and 
 activity, engenders warmth and irritability of temper, 
 and is always ready for explosion thus, the fiery little 
 man is apt to become attached to beauty upon a large 
 scale. He loves by the ton, and will have no idol but 
 one that he must look up to. By such means the petu 
 lance of diminutiveness is checked and qualified by the 
 phlegmatic calmness and repose of magnitude. The 
 walking tower, on the contrary, who shakes the earth 
 with his ponderous tread, dreams of no other lady-love 
 except those miniature specimens of nature s handiwork, 
 who move with the lightness of the gossamer, and seem 
 more like the creation of a delightful vision than tangible 
 reality. In this, sombre greatness asks alleviation from 
 the butterfly gayety which belongs to the figure of fairy 
 mould. The swarthy bend the knee to those of clear 
 and bright complexion, and your Saxon blood seeks the 
 " dark-eyed one" to pay its devotions. The impulse of 
 nature leads to those alliances calculated to correct faults 
 on both sides, and to prevent their perpetuity. The 
 grave would associate with the gay, the short pine for 
 the tall, the fat for the lean, the sulky for the sunny 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 105 
 
 the big covet the little ; and, if our philosophy be not 
 always borne out by the result, it is because circumstance 
 or accident counteracts instinct, or that the cases cited 
 form exceptions to the rule without impairing its force. 
 A true theorist always leaves the wicket of escape open 
 behind him. 
 
 At all events, Berry Huckel was in the strictest con 
 formity to the rule. His affections were set upon lathi- 
 ness, and if he could not fall in love, he certainly con 
 trived to roll himself into it. 
 
 He was indulging himself in a walk on a pleasant day, 
 and, as usual, was endeavouring to dance along and to 
 skip over the impediments in the path, for the purpose 
 of persuading himself that he was a light and active 
 figure, and that if any change were going on in his cor 
 poral properties, it was a favourable one, when an event 
 occurred which formed an era in his life. He twirled 
 his little stick, a big one would have looked as if he 
 needed support, and, pushing a boy with a basket aside, 
 attempted to hop over a puddle which had formed on the 
 crossing at the corner of the street. The evolution, 
 however, was not so skilfully achieved as it would have 
 been by any one of competent muscle who carried less 
 weight. Berry s foot came down " on the margin of 
 fair Zurich s waters," and caused a terrible splash, 
 sending the liquid mud about in every direction. 
 
 " Phew !" puffed Berry, as he recovered himself, and 
 looked with a doleful glance at the melancholy condition 
 in which his vivacity had left his feet. 
 
 " Splut !" ejaculated the boy with the basket, as he 
 wiped the mud out of his eyes. " Jist let me ketch you 
 up our alley, that s all, puddy-fat !" 
 
 " Ah !" shrieked Miss Celestina Scraggs, a very tall 
 lady, and particularly bony, as she regarded the terrible 
 
106 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 spots and stains with which Berry had disfigured her 
 dress : " what a pickle !" 
 
 Berry turned round at the voice of a female in distress, 
 and the sight of her went to his heart like an arrow. 
 Miss Celestina Scraggs was precisely his beau ideal of 
 what a woman should be not perhaps in countenance, 
 but her figure was the very antipodes of his own, and he 
 felt that his time was come. As for face and a few more 
 years than are desirable, Berry cared not, if the lady were 
 tall enough and thin enough, and in the individual before 
 him he saw both those qualities combined. 
 
 " My dear madam," said Berry, ducking his head 
 after the semblance of a bow, and raising his hat with a 
 graceful curve " my dear madam, I beg ten thousand 
 pardons. Allow me, if you please," continued he, ob 
 serving that she paid no attention to his speech, and was 
 attempting to shake off the looser particles of mud, an 
 operation in which Berry ventured to assist 
 
 "Let me alone, sir -I wonder at your impudence," 
 was the indignant reply, and Miss Celestina Scraggs 
 floated onward, frowning indignantly, and muttering as 
 she went " First splash a body, and then insult a body ! 
 Pretty pickle, nice situation ! fat bear !" 
 
 Berry remained in attitude, his hat in one hand and 
 his handkerchief with which he would have wiped the 
 injured dress in the other. The scorn of the lady had 
 no other effect on him than that of riveting his chains. 
 
 " Hip-helloo, you sir !" shouted an omnibus driver 
 from his box, as he cracked his whip impatiently ; 
 * don t stand in the middle of the street all day a blockin 
 up the gangvay, or I ll drive right over you blamenation 
 if I don t!" 
 
 "Shin it, good man!" ejaculated a good-natured 
 urchin; "shin it as well as you know how!" 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 107 
 
 The qualification was a good one, Berry not being" 
 well calculated for a " shinner" of the first class. So 
 starting from his revery, he hastened to escape " as well 
 as he knew how," and, placing his hat once more upon 
 his head, he resolved to follow the injured lady to ascer 
 tain her residence, and to devise ways and means of 
 seeking her favour under better auspices. He hurried 
 up the street with breathless haste, forming a striking 
 resemblance to the figure which a turtle would present 
 
 if walking a match against time on its hinder flippers. 
 
 # * * # -* * 
 
 Passing over intermediate circumstances, it will 
 suffice to say that Mr. Berry Huckel discovered the 
 residence of Miss Scraggs, and that, by perseverance, he 
 obtained an introduction according to etiquette. The 
 more he saw of her the more thoroughly did he become 
 fascinated ; but Miss Scraggs showed no disposition to 
 receive his suit with any symptoms of favour. She 
 scornfully rejected his addresses, chiefly because, although 
 having no objection to a moderate degree of plumpness, 
 his figure was much too round to square with her ideas 
 of manly beauty and gentility of person. In vain did he 
 plead the consuming passion, which, like the purest 
 anthracite with the blower on, flamed in his bosom and 
 consumed his vitals. Miss Scraggs saw no signs of 
 spontaneous combustion in his jolly form ; and Miss 
 Scraggs, who is " as tall and as straight as a poplar tree," 
 declared that she could not marry a man who would 
 hang upon her arm like a bucket to a pump. That he 
 was not a grenadier in height might have been forgiven; 
 but to be short and " roly-poly" at the same time ! Miss 
 Seraphina Scraggs could not think of it she would 
 faint at the idea. 
 
 Berry became almost desperate. He took lessons on 
 
108 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the flute, and trolled forth melancholy lays beneath the 
 lady s casement, to try the effect of dulcet sounds upon a 
 hard heart ; but having been informed from a neigh 
 bouring window that fifer-boys were not wanted in that 
 street, and that no nuisances would be tolerated, he 
 abandoned music in despair ; and having consulted a 
 physician as to the best method of reducing corpulency, 
 he went to the Gymnasium, and endeavoured to climb 
 poles and swing upon bars for hours at a time. But the 
 unhappy Berry made but little progress, and in his 
 unskilful efforts having damaged his nose and caused 
 temporary injury to the beauty of his frontispiece, he 
 gave up the design of making himself an athlete by that 
 species of exercise. For sparring, he found that he had 
 no genius at all, his wind being soon exhausted, and his 
 body being such pleasant practice that his opponents 
 never knew when to be done hitting at one whose frame 
 gave no jarring to the knuckles. It was, however, pic 
 turesque to see Berry with the gloves on, accoutred for 
 the fray, and squaring himself to strike and parry at his 
 own figure in the glass. Deliberation and the line of 
 beauty were in all his movements. Not obtaining his 
 end in this way, he tried dieting and a quarter at 
 dancing school ; but short-commons proved too disagree 
 able, and his gentle agitations to the sound of the fiddle, 
 as he chassez d, coupez\l, jetez d, and balancez d only 
 increased his appetite and added to his sorrows. Be 
 sides, his landlady threatened to discharge him for 
 damaging the house, and alarming the sleepers by his 
 midnight repetitions of the lessons of the day. As he 
 lay in bed wakeful with thought, he would suddenly, as 
 he happened to remember that every moment was of 
 importance for the reduction of his dimensions, slide out 
 upon the floor, and make tremendous efforts at a perform 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 109 
 
 ance of the " pigeon-wing," each thump resounding 
 like the report of a cannon, and causing all the glasses 
 in the row to rattle as if under the influence of an earth 
 quake. On one occasion indeed it was about two 
 o clock in the morning the whole house was roused by 
 a direful, and, until then, unusual uproar in the chamber 
 of Berry Huckel a compound of unearthly singing and 
 of appalling knocks on the floor. The boldest, having 
 approached the door to listen, applied their ears to the 
 keyhole, and heard as follows : " Turn out your toes 
 forward two tol-de-rol-tiddle (thump) tiddle (bump) 
 twiddle (bang!) cross over tiddle (whack) twiddle 
 (smack) tiddle (crack) twiddle (bang. ) 1 
 
 (Rap! rap! rap!) " Good gracious, Mr. Huckel, what s 
 the meaning of all this ? are you crazy ?" 
 
 " No, I m dancing balancez! tiddle (bump) tiddle 
 (thump) tiddle (bang!)" 
 
 Crash ! splash ! went the basin-stand, and the boarders 
 rushing in, found Berry Huckel in " the garb of old 
 Gaul," stumbling amid the fragments he had caused by 
 his devotions to the graces. He was in disgrace for a 
 week, and always laboured under the imputation of 
 having been a little non-com on that occasion ; but with 
 love to urge him on, what is there that man will not 
 
 strive to accomplish ? 
 
 * -* * * * # 
 
 Berry s dancing propensity led him to various balls 
 and hops ; and on one of these occasions, he met Miss 
 Scraggs in all her glory, but as disdainful as ever. 
 After bowing to her with that respectful air, which 
 intimated that the heart he carried, though lacerated by 
 her conduct, was still warm with affection, he took a 
 little weak lemonade, which, as he expressed it, was the 
 appropriate.tipple for gentlemen in his situation, and then 
 10 
 
110 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 placed himself immediately under the fiddlers, leaning 
 against the wall in a despairing attitude, arms carelessly 
 crossed, a handkerchief dangling negligently from his 
 little finger, his mouth half open, and his eyes now fixed 
 with resignation upon the ceiling, and anon dropping 
 misanthropically to the ground. The tout ensemble 
 was touching in the extreme, but Miss Scraggs only 
 smiled derisively when her eyes fell upon her dejected 
 lover 
 
 Berry, however, finding that this would not do, cheered 
 himself with wine, and danced furiously at every oppor 
 tunity. Gracefully glided the dancers, merrily twinkled 
 their feet, and joyously squeaked the fiddles, as Berry, 
 late in the evening, panting with his previous Terpsi- 
 chorean exertions, resolved to have a chat with the obdu 
 rate Seraphina, and solicited the honour of her fair hand 
 for the next set. 
 
 " Mons us warm, miss," said Berry, by way of open 
 ing the conversation in a novel and peculiarly elegant 
 way, " mons us warm, and dancing makes itmons usser." 
 
 " Very mons us," replied Miss Scraggs, glancing at 
 him from head to foot with rather a satirical look, for 
 Miss Scraggs is disposed to set up for a wit ; * very 
 mons us, indeed. But you look warm, Mr. Huckel 
 hadn t you better try a little punch ? It will agree with 
 your figure." 
 
 " Punch !" exclaimed Berry, in dismay, as he started 
 back three steps " Oh, Judy !" 
 
 He rushed to the refreshment room to cool his fever- 
 he snatched his hat from its dusky guardian, forgetting 
 to give him a " levy," and hurriedly departed. 
 
 It was not many hours afterwards that Berry his love 
 undiminished, and his knowledge refreshed that gymnas 
 tics are a remedy against exuberance of flesh was seen 
 
ifmm^Lfst 
 
 I .no. 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. Ill 
 
 with his hat upon a stepping stone in front of a house in 
 Chestnut street, labouring with diligence at jumping over 
 both the stone and the chapeau. But the heaviness of 
 his heart seemed to rob his muscles of their elasticity. 
 He failed at each effort, and kicked his hat into the 
 middle of the street. 
 
 "Phew!" said he, " my hat will be ruinationed to 
 all intents and purposes. Oh ! if I wasn t so fat, I might 
 be snoozing it off at the rate of nine knots instead of 
 tiring myself to death. Fat ain t of no use, but on the 
 contrary. Fat horses, fat cows, and fat sheep are respected 
 accordin , but fat men are respected disaccordin . Folks 
 laugh the gals turn up their noses, and Miss Scraggs 
 punches my feelings with a personal insinuation. Punch ! 
 oh my ! It s tiresome, to be sure, to jump over this ere, 
 but it s a good deal tiresomer to be so jolly you can t jump 
 at all, and can t even jump into a lady s affeckshins. So 
 here s at it agin. Warn ee wunst ! warn ee twy st ! 
 warn ee three times all the way home ! 
 
 Berry stooped low, swinging his arms with a pendu 
 lum motion at each exclamation, and was about assuming 
 the salient attitude of the pound of butter which Daw- 
 kins, for wantof a heavier missile, threw at his wife, when 
 he was suddenly checked by the arrival of a fellow 
 boarder, who exclaimed, "Why, Berry, what are you at?" 
 
 ** Don t baulk, good man I say, don t baulk but now 
 you have done it, can you jump over that ere hat, fair 
 standing jump, with a brick in each hand none of your 
 long runs and hop over ? kin you do it ? answer me 
 that !" queried Berry, as he blew in his hands, and then 
 commenced flapping his arms a la wood-sawyer. 
 
 " Perhaps I might but it won t do for us to be cutting 
 rusties here at this time o night. You had better sing 
 mighty small, I tell you." 
 
112 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh ! don t be redickalis. The doctor says 
 if I don t exercise, I ll be smothered ; and Miss Scraggs 
 called me punch, and won t have me- I m jumping for 
 my life, and for my wife too." 
 
 " You d better go prentice to Jeames Crow," said 
 his friend Brom, dryly, " and learn the real scienti- 
 fics." 
 
 " It would make me laugh," replied Berry, gravely ; 
 " such as you can afford to laugh and get fat, but I 
 can t. I ve jumped six fireplugs a ready, and I ll jump 
 over that ere hat before I go home I m be blowed out 
 bigger if I don t. Now squat, Brom squat down, and 
 see if I go fair. Warn ee wunst " 
 
 " You re crazy !" answered Brom, losing all patience, 
 " you re a downright noncompusser. I haven t seen a 
 queerer fellow since the times of Zacchy in the meal- 
 bag; and if you go on as you have lately, it s my 
 opinion that your relations shouldn t let you run at 
 large." 
 
 " That s what I complain of I can t run any other 
 way than at large ; but if you ll let me alone, I ll try to 
 jump myself smaller. So clear out, skinny, and let me 
 practyse. Warn ee wunst ! " 
 
 " You d better come home, and make no bones about 
 it." 
 
 " Bones ! I ain t got any. I m a boned turkey. If 
 you do make me go home, you can t say you boned me. 
 I ve seen the article, but I never had any bones myself." 
 
 This was, to all appearance, true enough, but his 
 persecutor did not take the joke. Berry is, in a certain 
 sense, good stock. He would yield a fat dividend ; but, 
 though so well incorporated, no " bone-us" for the pri 
 vilege is forthcoming. 
 
THE FLESHY ONE. 113 
 
 * Yes, you re fat enough, and I m sorry to say, you re 
 queer enough too ; queer is hardly a name for you. You 
 must be taken care of, and go home at once, or I ll call 
 assistance." 
 
 Well, if I must, I must that s all. But if I get the 
 popperplexy, and don t get Miss Scraggs, it s all your 
 fault. You won t let me dance in my chamber you 
 won t let me jump over my hat you won t let me do 
 nothing. I can t get behind the counter to tend the custom 
 ers, without most backing the side of the house out ; 
 but what do you care ? and now you want me to get 
 fatter by going to sleep. By drat 1 I wouldn t wonder 
 if I was to be ten pounds heavier in the morning. If I 
 am, in the first place, I ll charge you for widening me and 
 spoiling my clothes ; and then for if I get fatter, Miss 
 Scraggs won t have me a good deal more than she won t 
 now, and my hopes and affeckshins will be blightederthan 
 they are at this present sitting why, then, I ll sue you 
 for breach of promise of marriage." 
 
 " Come along. There s too many strange people 
 running about already. It s time you were thinned off." 
 
 " That s jist exactly what I want ; I wish you could thin 
 me off," sobbed Berry, as he obeyed the order ; but he 
 was no happier in the morning. Miss Seraphina Scraggs 
 continues obdurate, for her worst fears are realized. He 
 still grows fatter, though practising " warn ee wunst" 
 at all convenient opportunities. 
 
 10* 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 
 
 MAN is an imitative animal, and consequently, the 
 distinguished success which has fallen to the lot of a few 
 of our countrymen in the theatrical profession, has had 
 a great effect in creating longings for histrionic honours. 
 Of late years, debuts have been innumerable, and it 
 would be a more difficult task than that prescribed by 
 Orozimbo " to count the leaves of yonder forest" 
 if any curious investigator, arguing from known to 
 unknown quantities, were to undertake the computation 
 of the number of Roscii who have not as yet been able 
 to effect their coup d essai. In this quiet city many 
 as she has already given to the boards multitudes are 
 yet to be found, burning with ardour to " walk the 
 plank," who, in their prospective dreams, nightly hear 
 the timbers vocal with their mighty tread, and snuff the 
 breath of immortality in the imaginary dust which 
 answers to the shock. The recesses of the town could 
 furnish forth hosts of youths who never thrust the left 
 hand into a Sunday boot, preparatory to giving it the last 
 polish, without jerking up the leg thereof with a Kean- 
 like scowl, and sighing to think that it is not the well 
 buffed gauntlet of crook d Richard lads, who never don 
 their night gear for repose, without striding thus attired 
 across their narrow dormitory, and for the nonce, be 
 lieving themselves accoutred to "go on" for Rolla, or 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 115 
 
 the Pythagorean of Syracuse two gentlemen who pro 
 menade in " cutty sarks," and are as indifferent about 
 rheumatism as a Cupid horsed upon a cloud. 
 
 But in the times of which we speak, stage-struck 
 heroes were rare* The theatrical mania was by no 
 means prevalent. It went and came like the influ 
 enza, sometimes carrying off its victims ; but they 
 were not multitudinous. Our actors were chiefly im 
 portations. The day of native talent was yet in the 
 grr.y of its morning a few streakings or so, among the 
 Tressels and Tyrells, but nothing tip-topping it in the 
 zenith. There are, however, few generalities without 
 an exception, and in those days, Theodosius Spoon had 
 the honour to prove the rule by being an instance to the 
 contrary. 
 
 Theodosius Spoon called by the waggish Tea-spoon, 
 and supposed by his admirers to be born for a stirring 
 fellow r one who would whirl round until he secured for 
 himself a large share of the sugar of existence Theo 
 dosius Spoon was named after a Roman emperor not 
 by traditional nomenclature, which modifies the effect of 
 the thing, but directly, " out of a history book" abridged 
 by Goldsmith. It having been ascertained, in the first 
 place, that the aforesaid potentate, with the exception of 
 having massacred a few thousand innocent people one 
 day, was a tolerably decent fellow for a Roman empe 
 ror, he was therefore complimented by having his name 
 bestowed upon a Spoon. It must not, however, be 
 thought that the sponsors were so sanguine as to enter 
 tain a hope that their youthful charge would ever reach 
 the purple. Their aspirations did not extend so far ; but 
 being moderate in their expectations, they acted on the 
 sound and well established principle that, as fine feathers 
 make fine birds, fine names, to a certain extent, must 
 
i!6 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 have an analogous effect that our genius should be 
 educed, as it were, by the appellation bestowed upon 
 us ; and that \ve should be so sagaciously designated that 
 to whatever height fortune leads, fame, in speaking of 
 us, may have a comfortable mouthful, and we have no 
 cause under any circumstances to blush for our name. 
 Mr. and Mrs. Spoon wise people in their way rea 
 soned in the manner referred to. They were satisfied 
 that a sonorous handle to one s patronymic acts like a 
 balloon to its owner, and that an emaciated, e very-day, 
 threadbare cognomen a Tom, Dick, and Harry denomi 
 nation is a mere dipsey, and must keep a man at the 
 bottom. Coming to the application of the theory, they 
 were satisfied that the homely though useful qualities 
 of the spoon would be swallowed up in the superior 
 attributes of Theodosius. That this worthy pair were 
 right in the abstract is a self-evident proposition. Who, 
 for instance, can meet with a Napoleon Bonaparte Mugg, 
 without feeling that when the said Mugg is emptied of 
 its spirit, a soul will have exhaled, which, had the gate 
 of circumstance opened the way, would have played 
 foot-ball with monarchs, and have wiped its brogues 
 upon empires ? An Archimedes Pipps is clearly born to 
 be a " screw," and to operate extensively with " burning 
 glasses," if not upon the fleets of a Marcellus, at least 
 upon his own body corporate. While Franklin Fipps, 
 if in the mercantile line, is pretty sure to be a great flier 
 of kites, and a speculator in vapours, and such like fancy 
 stocks. If the Slinkums call their boy Caesar, it follows 
 as a natural consequence that the puggish disposition of 
 the family nose will, in his case, gracefully curve into the 
 aquiline, and that the family propensity for the Fabian 
 method of getting out of a scrape, will be Cassarised into 
 a valour, which at its very aspect would set " all Gal* 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 117 
 
 into a quake. Who can keep little Diogenes Doubikens 
 out of a tub, or prevent him from scrambling into a 
 hogshead, especially if sugar is to be gathered in the 
 interior ? Even Chesterfield Gruff is half disposed to be 
 civil, if he thinks he can gain by so unnatural a course 
 of proceeding; and everybody is aware that Crichton 
 Dunderpate could do almost any thing, if he knew how, 
 and if, by a singular fatality, all his fingers were not 
 thumbs. 
 
 Concurrent testimony goes to prove that the son of a 
 great man is of necessity likewise great the children of 
 a blanchisseuse, or of a house-scrubber, have invariably 
 clean hands and faces ; schoolmasters are very careful 
 to imbue their offspring with learning; and, if we are not 
 mistaken, it has passed into a proverb that the male pro 
 geny of a clergyman, in general, labour hard for the 
 proud distinction of being called " hopeful youths and 
 promising youngsters." The corollary, therefore, flows 
 from this, as smoothly as water from a hydrant, that he 
 who borrows an illustrious name is in all probability 
 charged to the brim, ipso facto, with the qualities whereby 
 the real owner was enabled to render it illustrious qua 
 lities, which only require opportunity and the true posi 
 tion to blaze up in spontaneous combustion, a beacon to 
 the world. And thus Theodosius Spoon, in his course 
 through life, could scarcely be otherwise than, if not an 
 antique Roman, at least an " antic rum un ;" his sphere 
 of action might be circumscribed, but he could not do 
 otherwise than make a figure. 
 
 Our Spoon his parents being satisfied with giving 
 him an euphonious name was early dipped into the broad 
 bowl of the world to spoon for himself. He was appren 
 ticed to a shoemaker to learn the art and mystery of 
 stretching " uppers" and of shaping " unders." But,. 
 
118 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 for this employment, as it was merely useful and some 
 what laborious, he had no particular fancy. Whether it 
 was owing to the influence of his name or not, we cannot 
 pretend to say, but, like Jaffier and many other worthy 
 individuals, he was much troubled with those serious in 
 conveniences termed " elegant desires." Young as he 
 was, his talent for eating was aldermanic; aristocracy 
 itself might have envied his somnolent performances in 
 the morning ; while, if fun or mischief were afoot, no 
 watch dog could better encounter prolonged vigils, and 
 no outlying cat could more silently and skilfully crawl 
 in at a back window than he, when returning from his 
 nocturnal perambulations. His genius for lounging, like 
 wise, when he should have been at work, was as re 
 markable as his time-consuming power when sent on an 
 errand. He could seem to do more, and yet perform less, 
 than any lad of his inches in the town ; and, being ordered 
 out on business, it was marvellous to see the swiftness 
 with which he left the shop, and the rapidity of his im 
 mediate return to it, contrasted with the great amount of 
 time consumed in the interval. With these accomplish 
 ments, it is not surprising that Theodosius Spoon was 
 discontented with his situation. He yearned to be an 
 embellishment not a plodding letter, valuable only 
 in combination, but an ornamental flourish, beautiful 
 and graceful in itself; and, with that self-reliance pecu 
 liar to genius, he thought that the drama opened a short 
 cut to the summit of his desires. Many a time, as he 
 leaned his elbow on the lapstone, and reposed his chin 
 upon his palm, did his work roll idly to the floor, 
 while he gazed with envious eyes through the window 
 at the playbills which graced the opposite corner, and 
 hoped that the time would come when the first night of 
 Theodouius Spoon would be thereupon announced in 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 119 
 
 letters as large as if he were a histrionic ladle. Visions 
 of glory of crowded houses of thundering plaudits 
 of full pockets of pleasant nights, and of day lounges up 
 and down Chestnut street, the wonder of little hoys and 
 the focus of all eyes, floated vividly across his imagina 
 tion. How could he, who bore the name of a Roman 
 emperor, dream of being elsewhere that at the topmost 
 round of fortune s ladder, when he had seen others there, 
 who, subjected to mental comparison, were mere rush 
 lights compared to himself? 
 
 Filled with these gorgeous imaginings, our Spoon 
 became metamorphosed into a spout, pouring forth 
 streams of elocution by night and by day, and, though 
 continually corking his frontispiece to try the expression 
 in scenes of wrath, it soon became evident that his 
 powers could not remain bottled in a private station, 
 When a histrionic inclination ferments so noisily that itj 
 fizzling disturbs the neighbourhood, it requires link; 
 knowledge of chemistry to decide that it must have vent, 
 or an explosion will be the consequence ; and such was 
 the case in the instance of which we speak. The 
 oratorical powers of Theodosius Spoon were truly 
 terrible, and had become, during the occasional absence 
 of the " boss," familiar to every one within a square. 
 
 An opportunity soon afforded itself. Those Philadel- 
 phians, who were neither too old nor too young, when 
 Theodosius Spoon flourished, to take part in the amuse 
 ments of the town, do not require to be told that for the 
 delectation of their summer evenings, the city then 
 rejoiced in a Garden Theatre, which was distinguished 
 from the winter houses by the soft Italian appellation of 
 the Tivoli. It was located in Market near Broad street, 
 in those days a species of rus in urbe, improvement 
 not having taken its westward movement ; and before its 
 
120 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 brilliancy was for ever extinguished, the establishment 
 passed through a variety of fortunes, furnishing to the 
 public entertainment as various, and giving to the stage 
 many a " regular" whose first essay was made upon its 
 boards. 
 
 At this period, so interesting to all who study the 
 history of the drama, lived one Typus Tympan, a 
 printer s devil, who " cronied" with Spoon, and had been 
 the first to give the " reaching of his soul" an inclination 
 stagevvard. Typus worked in a newspaper office, where 
 likewise the bills of the Garden Theatre were printed, 
 and, par consequence, Typus was a critic, with the 
 entree of the establishment, and an occasional order for 
 a friend. It was thus that Spoon s genius received the 
 Promethean spark, and started into life. By the patron 
 ising attentions of Typus, he was no longer compelled 
 to gaze from afar at the members of the company as they 
 clustered after rehearsal, of a sunny day, in front of the 
 theatre, and varied their smookings by transitions from 
 the " long nine" to the real Habana, according to the 
 condition of the treasury, or the state of the credit system. 
 Our hero now nodded familiarly to them all, and by dint 
 of soleing, heel-tapping, and other small jobs in the leather 
 way, executed during the periods of " overwork" for Mr. 
 Julius Augustus Winkins, was admitted to the personal 
 friendship of that illustrious individual. Some idea of the 
 honour thus conferred may be gathered from the fact 
 that Mr. Winkins himself constituted the entire male 
 department of the operatic corps of the house. He 
 grumbled the bass, he warbled the tenor, and, when 
 necessary, could squeak the " counter" in beautiful per 
 fection. All that troubled this magazine of vocalism 
 was that, although he could manage a duet easily enough, 
 soliloquizing a chorus was rather beyond his capacity, and 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 121 
 
 he was, therefore, often compelled to rely upon the 
 audience at the Garden, who, to their credit be it spoken, 
 scarcely needed a hint upon such occasions. On opera 
 nights, they generally volunteered their services to fill 
 out the harmony, and were so abundantly obliging, that 
 it was difficult to teach them where to stop. In his 
 private capacity when he was exqfficio Winkins he did 
 the melancholico-Byronic style of man picturesque, but 
 suffering in his innards," to the great delight of all the 
 young ladies who dwelt in the vicinity of the Garden. 
 When he walked forth, it was with his slender frame 
 inserted in a suit of black rather the worse for wear, but 
 still retaining a touching expression, softened, but not 
 weakened, by the course of time. He wore his shirt 
 collars turned down over a kerchief in the " fountain 
 tie," about which there is a Tyburn pathos, irresistible 
 to a tender heart ; and with his well oiled and raven 
 locks puffed out en masse on the left side of his head, 
 he declined his beaver over his dexter eye until its brim 
 kissed the corresponding ear. A profusion of gilt chain 
 travelled over his waistcoat, and a multitude of rings of 
 a dubious aspect encumbered his fingers. In this inte 
 resting costume did Julius Augustus Winkins, in his 
 leisure moments, play the abstracted, as he leaned grace 
 fully against the pump, while obliquely watching the 
 effect upon the cigar-making demoiselles who operated 
 over the way, and who regarded Julius as quite a love, 
 decidedly the romantic thing. 
 
 Winkins was gracious to Spoon, partly on the account 
 aforesaid, and because both Spoon and Tympan were 
 capital claqueurs, and invariably secured him an encore, 
 when he warbled " Love has eyes," and the other 
 rational ditties in vogue at that period. 
 
 Now it happened that business was rather dull at the 
 
122 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 Garden, and the benefit season of course commenced. 
 The hunting up of novelties was prosecuted with great 
 vigour ; even the learned pig had starred at it for once ; 
 and as the Winkins night approached, Julius Augustus 
 determined to avail himself of Spoon for that occasion, 
 thinking him likely to draw, if he did not succeed, for in 
 those days of primitive simplicity first appearances had 
 not ceased to be attractive. The edge not being worn 
 off, they were sure to be gratifying, either in one way 
 or the other. 
 
 It was of a warm Sunday afternoon that this important, 
 matter was broached. Winkins, Spoon, and Tympan 
 sat solacing themselves in a box at the Garden, 
 puffing their cigars, sipping their liquid refreshment, and 
 occasionally nibbling at three crackers brought in upon 
 a large waiter, which formed the substantial of the 
 entertainment. The discourse ran upon the drama. 
 
 " Theo, my boy !" said Winkins, putting one leg on 
 the table, and allowing the smoke to curl about his nose, 
 as he cast his coat more widely open, and made the 
 accost friendly. 
 
 " Spoon, my son!" said Winkins, being the advance 
 paternal of that social warrior, as he knocked the ashes 
 from his cigar with a flirt of his little finger. 
 
 " Spooney, my tight un !" the assault irresistible, 
 * how would you like to go it in uncle Billy Shakspeare, 
 and tip the natives the last hagony in the tragics ?" 
 Winkins put his other leg on the table, assuming an 
 attitude both of superiority and encouragement. 
 
 " Oh, gammin!" ejaculated Spoon, blushing, smiling, 
 and putting the forefinger of his left hand into his mouth. 
 "Oh, get out!" continued he, casting down his eyes 
 with the modest humility of untried, yet self-satisfied 
 jrenius. 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 123 
 
 ** Not a bit of it I m as serious as an empty barn 
 got the genius want the chance my benefit two acts 
 of any thing cut mugs up to snuff down upon em 
 fortune made that s the go." 
 
 " It s our opinion, we think, Theodosius," observed 
 Typus Tympan, with editorial dignity, as he emphati 
 cally drew his cuff across the lower part of his counte 
 nance, " we think, and the way we know what s what, 
 because of our situation, is sing ler standing, as we 
 newspaper folks do, on the shot tower of society that 
 now s your time for gittin astraddle of public opinion, 
 and for ridin it like a hoss. Jist such a chance as 
 you ve been wantin . As the French say, all the bew 
 mundy come to Winkins s benefit ; and if the old man 
 won t go a puff leaded, why we ll see to havin it sneaked 
 in, spread so thick about genius and all, that it will 
 draw like a blister we will, even if we get licked for it." 
 
 * Twon t do," simpered Spoon, as he blushed brown, 
 while the expression of his countenance contradicted his 
 words. " Twon t do. How am I to get a dress s pose 
 boss ketches me at it ? Besides, I m too stumpy for 
 tragedy, and anyhow I must wait till I m cured of my 
 cold." 
 
 "It will do," returned Winkins, decisively; "and 
 tragedy s just the thing. There are, sir, varieties in tra 
 gedy by the new school, it s partitioned off in two 
 grand divisions. High tragedy of the most helevated 
 description," (Winkins always haspirated when desirous 
 of being emphatic,) "high tragedy of the most helevated 
 and hexalted kind should be represented by a gentleman 
 short of statue, and low comedy should be sustained by 
 a gentleman tall of statue. In the one case, the higher 
 the part, the lowerer the hactor, and in the other case, 
 icisey ii crsy. It makes light and shade between the 
 
124 
 
 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 sentiment and the performer, and jogs the attention by 
 the power of contrast. The hintellectual style of play 
 ing likewise requires crooked legs." 
 
 " We think, then, our friend is decidedly calkilated to 
 walk into the public. There s a good deal of circum 
 bendibus about Spoon s gams he s got serpentine trot 
 ters splendid for crooked streets, or goin round a cor 
 ner," interpolated Typus, jocularly. 
 
 " There s brilliancy about crooked legs," continued 
 Winkins, with a reproving glance at Typus. " The mo 
 notony of straight shanks answers well enough for genteel 
 comedy and opera ; but corkscrew legs prove the mind 
 to be too much for the body ; therefore, crooked legs, 
 round shoulders, and a shovel nose for the heccentrici- 
 ties of the hintellectual tragics. Audiences must have 
 it queered into em ; and as for a bad cold, why it s a 
 professional blessing in that line of business, and saves a 
 tragedian the trouble of sleeping in a wet shirt to get a 
 sore throat. Blank verse, to be himpressive, must be 
 frogged it must be groaned, grunted, and gasped bring 
 it out like a three-pronged grinder, as if body and soul 
 were parting. There s nothing like asthmatic elocution 
 and spasmodic emphasis, for touching the sympathies and 
 setting the feelings on edge. A terrier dog in a pucker 
 is a good study for anger, and always let the spectators 
 see that sorrow hurts you. There s another style of tra 
 gedy the physical school " 
 
 " That must be a dose," ejaculated Typus, who was 
 developing into a wag. 
 
 " But you re not big enough, or strong enough for 
 that. A physical must be able to outmuscle ten black 
 smiths, and bite the head off a poker. He must com 
 mence the play hawfully, and keep piling on the hagony 
 till the close, when he must keel up in an hexcruciating 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 125 
 
 manner, flip-flopping it about the stage ns he defuncts, 
 like a new caught sturgeon. He should be able to hago- 
 nize other people too, by taking the biggest fellow in the 
 company by the scuff of the neck, and shaking him at 
 arm s length till all the hair drops from his head, and 
 then pitch him across, with a roar loud enough to break 
 the windows. That s the menagerie method. The phy 
 sical must always be on the point of bursting his boiler, 
 yet he mustn t burst it ; he must stride and jump as if he 
 would tear his trousers, yet he mustn t tear em ; and 
 when he grabs anybody, he must leave the marks of his 
 paws for a week. It s smashing work, but it won t do 
 for you, Spooney ; you re little, black-muzzled, queer 
 in the legs, and have got a cold ; nature and sleeping with 
 the windows open have done wonders in making you fit 
 for the hintellectuals, and you shall tip em the senti 
 mental in Hamlet." 
 
 Parts of this speech were not particularly gratifying 
 to Spoon ; but, on the whole, it jumped with his desires, 
 and the matter was clinched. "Winkins trained him ; 
 taught him when and where to come the " hagony ;" 
 when and where to cut " terrific mugs" at the pit ; when 
 and where to wait for the applause, and how to chassez 
 an exit, with two stamps and a spring, and a glance 
 en arriere. 
 
 Not long after, the puff appeared as Typus promised. 
 The bills of the " Garden Theatre" announced the 
 Winkius benefit, promising, among other novelties, the 
 third act of Hamlet, in which a young gentleman, his 
 first appearance upon any sta<je, would sustain the cha 
 racter of the melancholy prince. Rash promise ! fatal 
 anticipation ! 
 
 The evening arrived, and the Garden was crowded. 
 A.11 the boys of the trade in town assembled to witness 
 11* 
 
126 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the debut of a brother chip, and many came because others 
 were coming. Winkins, in a blue military frock, but 
 toned to the chin, white pantaloons strapped under the 
 foot, and gesticulating with a shining black hat with 
 white lining, borrowed expressly for the occasion, had 
 repeated " My love is like the red, red rose" with 
 immense applause, when the curtain rang up, and the 
 third act began. 
 
 The tedious prattle of those who preceded him being 
 over, Theodosius Spoon appeared. Solemnly, yet with 
 parched lips and a beating heart, did he advance to the 
 footlights, and duck his acknowledgments for the applause 
 which greeted him. His abord, however, did not 
 impress his audience favourably. The black attire but 
 ill became his short squab figure, and the " hintellectual 
 tragicality of his legs," meandering their brief extent, 
 like a Malay creese, gave him the aspect of an Ethiopian 
 Bacchus dismounted from his barrel. Hamlet resembled 
 the briefest kind of sweep, or " an erect black tadpole 
 taking snuff." 
 
 With a fidelity to nature never surpassed, Hamlet 
 expressed his dismay by scratching his head, and, with 
 his eyes fixed upon his toes, commenced the soliloquy, 
 another beautiful conception, for the prince is supposed 
 to be speaking to himself, and his toes are as well 
 entitled to be addressed as any other portion of his per 
 sonal identity. This, however, was not appreciated by 
 the spectators, who were unable to hear any part of the 
 confidential communication going on between Hamlet s 
 extremities. 
 
 " Louder, Spooney !" squeaked a juvenile voice, with 
 a villanous twang, from a remote part of the Garden. 
 * Keep a ladling it out strong ! Who s afeard ? it s only 
 old Tivvoly !" 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 127 
 
 " Throw it out !" whispered Winkins, from the wing. 
 " Go it like a pair of bellowses !" 
 
 But still the pale lips of Theodosius Spoon continued 
 quivering nothings, as he stood gasping as if about to 
 swallow the leader of the fiddlers, and alternately raising 
 his hands like a piece of machinery. Ophelia advanced. 
 
 " Look out, bull-frog, there comes your mammy. 
 Please, ma am, make little sonny say his lesson." 
 
 Bursts of laughter, shouts, and hisses resounded 
 through the Garden. "Whooror for Spooney !" roared 
 his friends, as they endeavoured to create a diversion in 
 his favour " whooror for Spooney ! and wait till the 
 skeer is worked off uv him !" 
 
 "How vu d you like it?" exclaimed an indignant 
 Spooneyite to a hissing malcontent; "how vu d you 
 like it fur to have it druv into you this ere vay ? Yot kin 
 a man do ven he ain t got no chance ?" 
 
 As the hisser did but hiss the more vigorously on 
 account of the remonstrance, and, jumping up, did it 
 directly in the teeth of the remonstrant, the friend to 
 Spooney knocked him down, and the parquette was soon 
 in an uproar. " Leave him up !" cried one " Order ! 
 put em down, and put em out !" The aristocracy of 
 the boxes gazed complacently upon the grand set-to 
 beneath them, the boys whacked away with their clubs 
 at the lamps, and hurled the fragments upon the stage, 
 while Ophelia and Hamlet ran away together. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," exclaimed Winkins, as he 
 rushed upon the stage, dragging after him " the rose and 
 the expectancy of the fair state," the shrinking Theo 
 dosius, " will you hear me for a moment?" 
 
 " Hurray for Vinkins !" replied a brawny critic, 
 taking his club in both hands, as he hammered against 
 the front of the boxes ; " Vinkey, sing us the Bay uv 
 
128 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 Viskey, and make bull-frog dance a hornspike to the tune 
 uv it. Hurray ! Twig Vinkey s new hat make a 
 speech, Vinkey, fur your vite trousers !" 
 
 At length, comparative silence being restored, Mr. 
 "Winkins, red with wrath, yet suppressing his rage, 
 delivered himself as follows at times adroitly dodging 
 the candle ends, which had been knocked from the main 
 chandelier, and were occasionally darted at him and his 
 protege. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, permit me (dodge) respect 
 fully to ask one question. Did you (dodge) come here 
 to admire the beauties of the drama, (successive dodges to 
 the right and left;) or am I to (dodge, dodge) to under 
 stand that you came solely to kick up a bloody row ?" 
 
 The effect of this insinuating query had scarcely time 
 to manifest itself, before Monsieur le direct eur en chef, a 
 choleric Frenchman, who made a profitable mixture of 
 theatricals, ice cream, and other refreshments, suddenly 
 appeared in the flat, foaming with natural anger at the 
 results of the young gentleman s debut. Advancing 
 rapidly as the "kick" rang upon his ear, he suited the 
 action to the word, and, by a dexterous application of his 
 foot, sent Winkins, in the attitude of a flying Mercury, 
 clear of the orchestra, into the midst of the turbulent 
 crowd in the pit. Three rounds of cheering followed this 
 achievement, while Theodosius gazed in pallid horror at 
 the active movement of his friend. 
 
 "Kick, aha! Is zat de kick, monsieur dam hoom- 
 boog ? Messieurs et mesdames^ lick him good sump 
 him into fee-penny beets ! Sacre !" added the enraged 
 manager, turning toward Theodosius, "I sail lick de 
 petit hoomboog ver good sump him bon, nice, moi- 
 meme by me ownsef." 
 
 But the alarmed Theodosius, though no linguist, 
 
GARDEN THEATRICALS. 129 
 
 understood enough of this speech not to tarry for the 
 consequences, and climbing into the boxes, while the 
 angry manager clambered after him, he rushed through 
 the crowd, and in the royal robes of Denmark hurried 
 home. 
 
 For the time, at least, he was satisfied that bearing the 
 name of a Roman emperor did not lead to instant success 
 on the stage, and though he rather reproached the 
 audience with want of taste, it is not probable that he 
 ever repeated the attempt ; for he soon, in search of an 
 " easy life," joined the patriots on the Spanish main, and 
 was never after heard of. 
 
( 130 ) 
 
 PETER BRUSH, 
 
 THE GREAT USED UP. 
 
 IT was November ; soon after election time, when a 
 considerable portion of the political world are apt to be 
 despondent, and external things appear to do their utmost 
 to keep them so. November, the season of dejection, 
 when pride itself loses its imperious port ; when ambi 
 tion gives place to melancholy ; when beauty hardly 
 takes the trouble to look in the glass ; and when exist 
 ence doffs its rainbow hues, and wears an aspect of such 
 dull, commonplace reality, that hope leaves the world 
 for a temporary excursion, and those who cannot do 
 without her inspiring presence, borrow the aid of pistols, 
 cords, and chemicals, and send themselves on a longer 
 journey, expecting to find her by the way : a season, 
 when the hair will not stay in curl ; when the walls weep 
 dewy drops, to the great detriment of paper-hangings, 
 and of every species of colouring with which they are 
 adorned ; when the banisters distil liquids, any thing 
 but beneficial to white gloves ; when nature fills the 
 ponds, and when window-washing is the only species of 
 amusement at all popular among housekeepers. 
 
 It was on the worst of nights in that worst of seasons. 
 The atmosphere was in a condition of which it is difficult 
 to speak with respect, much as we may be disposed to 
 applaud the doings of nature. It was damp, foggy, and 
 
PETER BRUSH. 
 
 131 
 
 drizzling ; to sum up its imperfections in a sonorous and 
 descriptive epithet, it was " orrid muffgy weather." The 
 air hung about the wayfarer in warm, unhealthy folds, 
 and extracted the starch from his shirt collar and from 
 the bosom of his dickey, with as much rapidity as it rob 
 bed his spirits of their elasticity, and melted the sugar of 
 self-complacency from his mind. The street lamps 
 emitted a ghastly white glare, and were so hemmed in 
 with vapory wreaths, that their best efforts could not 
 project a ray of light three feet from the burner. Gloom 
 was universal, and any change, even to the heat of Africa, 
 or to the frosts of the arctic circle, would, in compari 
 son, have been delightful. The pigs tails no longer 
 waved in graceful sinuosities ; while the tail of each 
 night-roving, hectoring bull-dog ceased flaunting toward 
 the clouds, a banner of wrath and defiance to punier crea 
 tures, and hung down drooping and dejected, an emblem 
 of a heart little disposed to quarrel and offence. The 
 ornamentals of the brute creation being thus below par, 
 it was not surprising that men, with cares on their shoul 
 ders and raggedness in their trousers, should likewise 
 be more melancholy than on occasions of a brighter 
 character. Every one at all subject to the " skiey influ 
 ences," who has had trouble enough to tear his clothes, 
 and to teach him that the staple of this mundane exist 
 ence is not exclusively made up of fun, has felt that phi 
 losophy is but a barometrical affair, and that he who is 
 proof against sorrow when the air is clear and bracing, 
 may be a very miserable wretch, with no greater cause, 
 when the wind sits in another quarter. 
 
 Peter Brush is a man of this susceptible class. His 
 nervous system is of the most delicate organization, and 
 responds to the changes of the weather, as an Eolian 
 harp sings to the fitful swellings of the breeze. Peter 
 
132 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 was abroad on the night of which we speak ; either 
 because, unlike the younger Brutus, he had no Portia 
 near to tell him that such exposure was " not physical," 
 and that it was the part of prudence to go to bed, or that, 
 although aware of the dangers of miasma to a man of his 
 constitution, he did not happen at that precise moment 
 to have access to either house or bed ; in his opinion, 
 two essential pre-requisites to couching himself, as he 
 regarded taking it at fresco, on a cellar door, not likely 
 to answer any sanitary purpose. We incline ourselves 
 to the opinion that he was in the dilemma last mentioned, 
 as it had previously been the fate of other great men. 
 But be that as it may, Mr. Peter Brush was in the street, 
 as melancholy as an unbraced drum, " a gib-ed cat, or 
 a lugged bear." 
 
 Seated upon the curb, with his feet across the gutter, 
 he placed his elbow on a stepping-stone, and like Juliet 
 on the balcony, leaned his head upon his hand a hand 
 that would perhaps have been the better of a covering, 
 though none would have been rash enough to volunteer 
 to be a glove upon it. He was in a dilapidated condition 
 out at elbows, out at knees, out of pocket, out of office, 
 out of spirits, and out in the street an " out and outer" 
 in every respect, and as outre a mortal as ever the eye of 
 man did rest upon. For some time, Mr. Brush s reflec 
 tions had been silent. Following Hamlet s advice, he 
 "gave them an understanding, but no tongue ;" and he 
 relieved himself at intervals by spitting forlornly into 
 the kennel. At length, suffering his locked hands to 
 fall between his knees, and heaving a deep sigh, he 
 spoke : 
 
 " A long time ago, my ma used to put on her specs 
 and say, Peter, my son, put not your trust in princes ; 
 and from that day to this I haven t done any thing of the 
 
PETER BRUSH. 133 
 
 kind, because none on em ever wanted to borry nothing 
 of me ; and I never see a prince or a king, but one or 
 two, and they had been rotated out of office, to borry 
 nothing of them. Princes ! pooh ! Put not your trust 
 in politicianers them s my sentiments. You might jist 
 as well try to hold an eel by the tail. I don t care which 
 side they re on, for I ve tried both, and I know. Put 
 not your trust in politicianers, or you ll get a hyst. 
 
 " Ten years ago it came into my head that things 
 weren t going on right; so I pretty nearly gave myself 
 up tee-totally to the good of the republic, and left the 
 shop to look out for itself. I was brimfull of patriotism, 
 and so uneasy in my mind for the salivation of freedom, 
 I couldn t work. I tried to guess which side was going 
 to win, and I stuck to it like wax ; sometimes I was 
 a-one side, sometimes I was a-t other, and sometimes I 
 straddled till the election was over, and came up jist in 
 time to jine the hurrah. It was good I was after; and 
 what good could I do if I wasn t on the lected side ? 
 But, after all, it was never a bit of use. Whenever the 
 battle was over, no matter what side was sharing out the 
 loaves and the fishes, and I stepped up, I ll be hanged if 
 they didn t cram all they could into their own mouths, 
 put their arms over some, and grab at all the rest with 
 their paws, and say, * Go away, white man, you ain t 
 capable. Capable ! what s the reason I ain t capable ? 
 I ve got as extensive a throat as any of em, and I could 
 swallow the loaves and fishes without choking, if each 
 loaf was as big as a grindstone and each fish as 
 big as a sturgeon. Give Peter a chance, and leave him 
 alone for that. Then, another time when I called I 
 want some spoils, says I ; a small bucket full of spoils. 
 Whichever side gets in, shares the spoils, don t they? 
 So they first grinned, and then they ups and tells me tlr:t 
 
 12 
 
134 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 virtue like mine was its own reward, and lhat spoils 
 might spoil me. But it was no spoils that spoilt me, 
 and no loaf and fish that starved me I m spoilt, because 
 I couldn t get either. Put not your trust in politieianers 
 I say it agin. Both sides used me jist alike. Here 
 I ve been serving my country, more or less, these ten 
 years, like a patriot going to town meetings, hurraing 
 my daylights out, and getting as blue as blazes blocking 
 the windows, getting licked fifty times, and having more 
 black eyes and bloody noses than you could shake a 
 stick at, all for the common good, and for the purity of 
 our illegal rights and all for what? Why, for nix. If 
 any good has come of it, the country has put it into her 
 own pocket, and swindled me out of my arnings. I can t 
 get no office ! Republics is ungrateful ! It wasn t reward 
 I was after. I scorns the base insinivation. I only 
 \vanted to be took care of, and have nothing to do but to 
 take care of the public, and I ve only got half nothing 
 to do ! Being took care of was the main thing. Repub 
 lics is ungrateful ; I m swaggered if they ain t. This is 
 the way old sojers is served." 
 
 Peter, having thus unpacked his o erfraught heart, 
 heaved a sigh or two, as every one does after a recapi 
 tulation of their own injuries, and remained for a few 
 minutes wrapped in abstraction. 
 
 " Well, well," said he, mournfully, swaying his head 
 to and fro after the sagacious fashion of Lord Burleigh 
 "live and learn live and learn the world s not what a 
 man takes it for before he finds it out. Whiskers grow 
 a good deal sooner than experience genus and patriot 
 ism ain t got no chance heigh-ho .But anyhow, a 
 man might as well be under kiver as out in the open ah 
 in sich weather as this. It s as cheap laying down as it is 
 settin up, and there s not so much wear and tear about it." 
 
PETER BRUSH. 135 
 
 With a groan, a yawn, and a sigh, Peter Brush slowly 
 arose, and stretching himself like a drowsy lion, he 
 walked toward the steps of a neighbouring house. Having 
 reached the top of the flight, he turned about and looked 
 round with a scrutinizing glance, peering both up and 
 down the street, to ascertain that none of the hereditary 
 enemies of the Brushes were in the vicinity. Being 
 satisfied on that score, he prepared to enjoy all the com 
 fort that his peculiar situation could command. Accord 
 ing to the modern system of warfare, he carried no bug- 
 gage to encumber his motions, and was always ready to 
 bivouac without troublesome preliminaries. He there 
 fore placed himself on the upper step, so that he was 
 just within the doorway, his head reclining against one 
 side of it, and his feet braced against the other, block 
 ading the passage in a very effectual manner. He adjusted 
 himseii in position as carefully as the Sybarite who was 
 annoyed at the wrinkle of a rose-leaf on his couch, grunt 
 ing at each motion like a Daniel Lambert at his toilet, 
 and he made minute alterations in his attitude several 
 times before he appeared perfectly satisfied that he had 
 effected the best arrangements that could be devised. 
 After reposing for a while as if " the flinty and steel 
 couch of war were his thrice-driven bed of down," he 
 moved his head with an exclamation of impatience at the 
 hardness of the wall, and taking his time-worn beaver, 
 he crumpled it up, and mollified the austerity of his bol 
 ster by using the crushed hat as a pillow. 
 
 "That will do," ejaculated Brush, clasping his hands 
 before him, and twirling his thumbs ; and he then closed 
 his eyes for the purpose of reflecting upon his condition 
 with a more perfect concentration of thought than can be 
 obtained when outward objects distract the mind. But 
 thinking in this way is always a hazardous experiment, 
 
136 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 whether it be after dinner, or in the evening ; and Petei 
 Brush soon unwittingly fell into a troubled, murmuring 
 sleep, in which his words were mere repetitions of what 
 he had said before, the general scope of the argument 
 being to prove the received axiom of former times, that 
 republics do not distribute their favours in proportion to 
 services rendered, and that, in the speaker s opinion, they 
 are not, in this respect, much better than the princes against 
 whom his mother cautioned him. Such, at least, was 
 the conviction of Mr. Brush ; at which he had arrived, 
 not by theory and distant observation, but by his own 
 personal experience. 
 
 It is a long lane which has no turning, and it is a long 
 sleep in the open air, especially in a city, which does not 
 meet with interruption. Brush found it so in this in 
 stance, as he had indeed more than once before. Several 
 gentlemen, followed by a dog, arrived at the foot of the 
 steps, and, after a short conversation, dispersed each to 
 his several home. One, however, remained the owner 
 of the dog who, whistling for his canine favourite, took 
 out his night-key, and walked up the steps. The dog, 
 bounding before his master, suddenly stopped, and after 
 attentively regarding the recumbent Brush, uttered a 
 sharp rapid bark. 
 
 The rapidity of mental operations is such that it fre 
 quently happens, if sleep be disturbed by external sounds, 
 that the noise is instantly caught up by the ear, and in 
 corporated with the subject of the dream or perhaps a 
 dream is instantaneously formed upon the nucleus sug 
 gested by the vibration of the tympanum. The bark of 
 the dog had one of these effects upon Mr. Brush. 
 
 " Bow ! wow ! waugh !" said the dog. 
 
 " There s a fellow making a speech against our side," 
 muttered Peter ; "but it s all talk where s your facts ? 
 
PETER BRUSH. 137 
 
 print your speech in pamphlet form, and I ll answer it. 
 Hurray for us ! everybody else is rascals nothing but 
 ruination when that fellow s principles get the upper 
 hand our side forever we re the boys ." 
 
 " Be still, Ponto !" said the gentleman. " Now, sir, 
 be pleased to get tip, and carry yourself to some other 
 place. I don t know which side has the honour of claim 
 ing you, but you are certainly on the wrong side at 
 present." 
 
 " Don t be official and trouble yourself about other 
 people s business," said Brush, trying to open his eyes ; 
 " don t be official, for it isn t the genteel thing." 
 
 " Not official ! what do you mean by that ? I shall be 
 very official, and trundle you down the steps if you are 
 not a little more rapid in your motions." 
 
 " Oh, very well," responded Brush, as he wheeled 
 round in a sitting posture, and fronted the stranger 
 " very well be as sassy as you please I suppose you ve 
 got an office, by the way you talk you ve got one of 
 the fishes, though perhaps it is but a. ininny, and I ain t 
 but if I had, I d show you a thing or two. Be sassy, be 
 anything, Mr. Noodle-soup. I don t know which side 
 you re on either, but I do know one thing it isn t saying 
 much for your boss politicianer that he chose you when 
 I must have been on his list for promotion that s all, 
 though you are so stiff, and think yourself pretty to look 
 at. But them that s pretty to look at ain t always good 
 uns to go, or you wouldn t be poking here. Be off 
 there s no more business before this meeting, and you 
 may adjourn. It s moved, seconded, and carried pay the 
 landlord for the use of the room as you go." 
 
 The stranger, now becoming somewhat amused, felt a 
 disposition to entertain himself a little with Peter. 
 
 " How does it happen," said he, " that such a public 
 12* 
 
138 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 spirited individual as you appear to be should find him 
 self in this condition ? You ve had a little too much of 
 the stimulantibus, I fear." 
 
 " I don t know Greek, but I guess what you mean," 
 was the answer. "It s owing to the weather part to 
 the weather, and part because republics is ungrateful ; 
 that s considerable the biggest part. Either part is excuse 
 enough, and both together makes it a credit. When it s 
 such weather as this, it takes the electerizing fluid out 
 of you ; and if you want to feel something like do you 
 know what something like is ? it s cat-bird, jam up 
 if you want to feel so, you must pour a little of the elec 
 terizing fluid into you. In this kind of weather you must 
 tune yourself up, and get rosumed, or you ain t good for 
 much tuned up to concert pitch. But all that s a trifle 
 put not your trust in politicianers." 
 
 " And why not, Mr. Rosum ?" 
 
 " Why not ! Help us up there steady she goes 
 hold on ! Why not ? look at me, and you ll see the why 
 as large as life. I m the why you musn t put your trust 
 in politicianers. I m a rig lar patriot look at my coat 
 I m all for the public good twig the holes in my trou 
 sers. I m steady in my course, and I m upright in my 
 conduct don t let me fall down I ve tried all parties, 
 year in and year out, just by way of making myself 
 popular and agreeable ; and I ve tried to be on both sides 
 at once, roared Brush, with great emphasis, as he slip 
 ped and fell " and this is the end of it !" 
 
 His auditor laughed heartily at this striking illustration 
 of the results of the political course of Peter Brush, and 
 seemed quite gratified with so strong a proof of the dan 
 ger of endeavouring to be on two sides at once. He 
 therefore assisted the fallen to rise, 
 
 " Are you hurt?" 
 
PETER BRUSH. 139 
 
 " No I m used to being knocked about the steps 
 and the pavement are no worse than other people 
 they re like politicianers you can t put any trust in em. 
 But," continued Brush, drawing a roll of crumpled 
 paper from the crown of his still more crumpled hat 
 * see here now you re a clever fellow, and I ll get you 
 to sign my recommendation. Here s a splendid charac 
 ter for me all ready wrote down, so it won t give you 
 any trouble, only to put your name to it." 
 
 " But what office does it recommend you for what 
 kind of recommendation is it?" 
 
 " It s a circular recommend a slap at any thing that s 
 going." 
 
 " Firing into the flock, I suppose ?" 
 
 * That s it exactly good character fit for any fat 
 post either under the city government, the state govern 
 ment, or the gineral government. Now jist put your 
 fist to it," added Peter, in his most persuasive tones, as 
 he smoothed the paper over his knee, spread it upon the 
 step, and produced a bit of lead pencil, which he first 
 moistened with his lips, and then offered to his interlo 
 cutor. 
 
 " Excuse me," was the laughing response ; ** it s too 
 dark I can t see either to read or to write. But what 
 made you a politicianer ? Haven t you got a trade ?" 
 
 " Trade! yes," replied Brush, contemptuously ; "but 
 what s a trade, when a feller s got a soul ? I love my 
 country, and I want an office I don t care what, so it s 
 fat and easy. I ve a genus for governing for telling peo 
 ple what to do, and looking at em do it. I want to take 
 care of my country, and I want my country to take care 
 of me. Head work is the trade I m made for talking 
 that s my line talking in the streets, talking in the bar 
 rooms, talking in the oyster cellars. Talking is the 
 
140 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 grease for the wagon wheels of the body politic and the 
 body corpulent, and nothing will go on well till I ve got 
 my say in the matter ; for I can talk all day, and most 
 of the night, only stopping to wet my whistle. But 
 parties is all alike all ungrateful; no respect for genus 
 no respect for me. I ve tried both sides, got nothing, 
 and I ve a great mind to knock off and call it half a day. 
 I would, if my genus didn t make me talk, and think, and 
 sleep so much I can t find time to work." 
 
 " Well," said the stranger, "you must find time to go 
 away. You re too noisy. How would you like to go 
 before the mayor ?" 
 
 " No, I d rather not. Stop now I think of it, I ve 
 asked him before ; but perhaps if you d speak a good 
 word, he d give me the first vacancy. Introduce me pro 
 perly, and say I want something to do shocking no, 
 not something to do I want something to get ; my 
 genus won t let me work. I d like to have a fat salary, 
 and to be general superintendent of things in general 
 and nothing in particular, so I could walk about the 
 streets, and see what is going on. Now, put my best 
 leg foremost say how I can make speeches, and how I 
 can hurray at elections." 
 
 " Away with you," said the stranger, as he ran 
 up the steps, and opened the door. " Make no noise 
 in this neighbourhood, or you ll be taken care of soon 
 enough." 
 
 " Well, now, if that isn t ungrateful," soliloquized 
 Brush, " keep me here talking, and then slap the door 
 right in my face. That s the way politicianers serve me, 
 and it s about all I d a right to expect. Oh, pshaw ! 
 sich a world sich a people !" 
 
 Peter rolled up his " circular recommend," put it in 
 his hat, and slowly sauntered away. As he is not yet 
 
PETER BRUSH. 141 
 
 provided for, he should receive the earliest attention of 
 parties, or disappointment may induce him to abandon 
 both, take the field "upon his own hook," and constitute 
 an independent faction under the name of the " Brush 
 party," the cardinal principle of which will be that pecu 
 liarly novel impulse to action, hostility to all " politi- 
 
( 142 ) 
 
 MUSIC MAD; 
 
 OR, THE MELOMANIAC. 
 
 To be thin-skinned may add to the hrilliancy and to 
 the beauty of the complexion; but, as this world goes, 
 it is more of a disadvantage than a blessing. Where 
 there is so much scraping and shaving, the cuticle of a 
 rhinoceros is decidedly the most comfortable wear ; and to 
 possess any of the senses beyond a certain degree of 
 acuteness may be regarded as a serious misfortune. It 
 opens the door to an infinite variety of annoyances. 
 There are individuals with noses as keen as that of a 
 beagle ; but whether they derive more of pleasure or of 
 pain from the faculty, is a question easily answered when 
 the multiplicity of odors is called to mind. To be what 
 the Scotch term " nose-wise," sometimes, it is true, 
 answers a useful purpose, in preventing people in the 
 dark from drinking out of the wrong bottle, and from ad 
 ministering the wrong physic ; it has also done good 
 service in enabling its possessor to discover an incipient 
 fire ; but such occasions for the advantageous employ 
 ment of the proboscis are not of every-day occurrence, 
 and, on the general average, its exquisite organization is 
 an almost unmitigated nuisance to him who is obliged 
 to follow from his cradle to his grave, a nose so deli 
 cately constituted, so inconveniently hypercritical, so fre 
 quently discontented, and so intolerably fastidious. 
 
MUSIC MAD. 143 
 
 They, likewise, who are gifted with that which is 
 technically termed a " fine ear," have sufferings pecu 
 liar to themselves, and, like the king of Denmark, receive 
 their poison through the porches of the auricle. They 
 are the victims of sound. It is conceded that from good 
 music they derive pleasures of which the rest of the 
 world can form but a faint conception ; but, notwith 
 standing the rage for its cultivation, really good music is 
 not quite so plentiful as might be supposed, and the pain 
 inflicted on the "family of fine ear" by the inferior arti 
 cle is not to be expressed in words. A discord passes 
 through them as freezing! y as if it were a bolt of ice; a 
 flat note knocks them down like a mace ; and, if the 
 vocalist flies into the opposite extreme, and indulges in 
 being a " little sharp," all the acids of the shop could not 
 give the unhappy critic a more vinegar aspect, or more 
 effectually set his teeth on edge. To him a noise is not 
 simply a noise in the concrete ; the discriminating 
 powers of his tympanum will not suffer him, as it were, 
 to lump it as an infernal clatter. Like a skilful torturer, 
 he analyzes the annoyance; he augments the pain by 
 ascertaining exactly why the cause is unpleasant, and by 
 observing the relative discordance of the components, 
 which, when united, almost drive him mad. The dram 
 and the fife, for instance, do very well for the world at 
 large ; but " the man with the ear" is too often ago 
 nized at perceiving how seldom it is that the drumstick 
 twirler braces his sheepskin to the proper pitch, and he 
 cannot be otherwise than excruciated at the piteous 
 squeaking of its imperfect adjunct that " false one" 
 which is truly a warlike instrument, being studiously 
 and successfully constructed for offence, if not for de 
 fence. 
 
 Now it so happens that Matthew Minim is a man 
 
144 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 with an ear, his tympanum being a piece of most elabo 
 rate workmanship. He could sing before he could talk, 
 and his early musical experiments were innumerable. 
 The first use he made of his teeth was to bite his nurse 
 for singing one strain of " hush-a-by-baby," in three 
 keys ; and he could scarcely be prevailed upon to look at 
 his pa, because that respectable individual, with a perver 
 sity peculiar to the incompetent, was always subjecting 
 poor "Hail Columbia" to the Procrustean bed of his 
 musical capabilities, and, while whistling to show his 
 own light-heartedness, did any thing but communicate 
 corresponding pleasure to his auditors. 
 
 " Screw it up, poppy," would little Minim exclaim, 
 with the expression of one upon the rack ; " screw it up, 
 and keep it there. What s the use of chasing a tune all 
 about?" 
 
 But in some mouths a tune will run all about of itself, 
 let their lips be puckered ever so tightly, and there is no 
 composition of a popular nature which is so often heard 
 performing that erratic feat as the one familiarly termed 
 "Hail Curlumby." Matthew s "poppy," therefore, re 
 mained a tune-chaser, while Matthew himself went on 
 steadily in the work of cultivating his ear, and of enlarg 
 ing his musical knowledge. He, of course, commenced 
 his studies with the flute, which may be regarded among 
 men and boys as the first letter of the alphabet in mu 
 sical education. He then amused himself with the fid 
 dle tried the French horn for a season, varying the 
 matter by a few lessons upon the clarionet and hautboy, 
 and finally improving his powers of endurance by a little 
 practising of the Kent bugle. He at length became a 
 perfect melomaniac, and was always in danger of being 
 indicted as a nuisance by his less scientific neighbours, 
 whose ears were doomed to suffer both by night and by 
 
MUSIC MAD. 145 
 
 day. The twangling of stringed instruments was the 
 only relief they could obtain from the blasts of those 
 more noisy pieces of mechanism which receive voice 
 from the lips, and it has even been supposed that Mat 
 thew Minim ranged his bugles, trumpets, and fiddles by 
 the side of his bed, that he might practise between 
 sleeps. 
 
 Not long since, Matthew Minim was returning from 
 a musical party late at night, and his friend Jenkinson 
 Jinks, who is likewise a votary of the divine art, was 
 with him. Minim carried his flute in a box under his 
 arm, and Jinks bore his fiddle in a bag on his shoulder. 
 
 "Nature," observed Minim, " is the most perfect of 
 musicians ; she never violates the rules of composition, 
 and though her performers are often noisy, yet, so long as 
 they attempt no more than is jotted down for them, they 
 are always in time and in tune. In fact, the world is one 
 great oratorio. Hark ! listen ! throw aside vulgar pre 
 judices, and hear how chromatic and tender are the voices 
 of those cats in the kennel ! consider it as the balcony 
 scene from Romeo e Giuliefta how perfectly beautiful 
 that slide ! how exact the concord between the rotund bass 
 notes of Thomas Cat, and the dulcet intonations of the 
 feminine pussy, and how sparkling the effect produced 
 by the contrast in the alternate passages ! They are the 
 Fornasari and the Pedrotti of this moonlit scene. Bel 
 lini himself, with all his flood of tenderness, never pro 
 duced any thing more characteristic, appropriate, and 
 touching; nor could the most accomplished artistes give 
 the idea of the composer with more fidelity." 
 
 " Yes, ma am," said Jenkinson Jinks, who was not al 
 together capable of entering into the spirit of the refined 
 abstractions in which, after supper, his companion was 
 prone to indulge. 
 
 13 
 
146 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " Ph-i-t ! ph-i-z !" exclaimed the cats, as they 
 scampered away in alarm at the approach of the mu 
 sicians. 
 
 " Staccato and expressive in execution," said Jinks ; 
 " but certainly not stay-cat-o in effect." 
 
 44 Admirable !" remarked Minim " Phit and phiz are 
 the exact phrase to express in short metre that it is time 
 to be off like a shot, and the notes in which they were ut 
 tered are those best calculated to convey the sense of the 
 passage." 
 
 " A very rapid passage it was, too," added Jinks ; 
 " quite a roulade the performers are running divisions 
 up and down old Boodle s fence a passage from the 
 oratorio of Mosey perhaps." 
 
 " I bar punning," ejaculated Minim, impatiently ; " and 
 to elucidate my theory upon the subject of natural music, 
 and to prove " 
 
 " Categorically ?" inquired Jinks. 
 
 " Hush ! To prove that the composer can have no bet 
 ter study for the true expression of the passions and 
 emotions than is to be found in observing the animal 
 creation, I shall now proceed to kick this dog, which 
 lies asleep upon the pavement, and, without his being at 
 all aware of what I want, I shall extract from him a 
 heartrending passage in the minor key, expressive of 
 great dolor, and of a sad combination of mental and phy 
 sical discomfort." 
 
 " Stop!" hurriedly exclaimed Jinks, ensconcing him 
 self behind a tree ; " before you give that cfogrnatical 
 illustration, allow me to inform you that the dog before 
 you is old Boodle s Towser he bites like fury." 
 
 " Bite !" replied Minim, contemptuously ; " and what s 
 a bite in the cause of science, and in the exemplification 
 of the minor key?" 
 
MUSIC MAD. 147 
 
 Minim accordingly gave the dog a gentle push with his 
 foot. 
 
 " Ya-a-a-ah !" angrily and threateningly remonstrated 
 Towser, without moving. 
 
 " There I told you so !" roared Jinks " that s not 
 in the minor key it s as military a major as ever I heard 
 in my life : when I listen to it, I can almost see you in 
 the shape of a cocked hat." 
 
 " Well, then, poke him with your fiddle," said Mi 
 nim, drawingback, and eying the dog rather suspiciously. 
 " Come away from the tree, and give Mr. Boodle s 
 Towser a jolly good punch." 
 
 " Not I," replied Jinks ; " I ve no notion of letting my 
 Cremona be chawed up agitato by an angry Towser 
 poke him with your flute." 
 
 " No stop I ll get at him as it were slantindicularly 
 round a corner," said Minim, retiring so that he was 
 partially protected by the flight of steps, from which 
 position he extended his leg, and dealt to Mr. Boodle s 
 Towser a most prodigious kick. 
 
 " Y-a-h ! y-o-a-h ! b-o-o !" snarled the dog indig 
 nantly, as he dashed round the corner to revenge the in 
 sult, which was so direct and pointed that no animal of 
 spirit could possibly pass it over unnoticed. 
 
 Mr. Matthew Minim turned to fly, but he was not 
 quick enough, and the dog entered a detainer by seizing 
 him by the pantaloons. 
 
 " Get out !" shrieked Minim. " Take him off, Jinks, 
 or he ll eat me without salt!" 
 
 "Splendid illustration of natural music!" shouted 
 Jinks, clapping his hands in ecstasy ; " Con furore ! Da 
 capo, Towser! Volti subito, Minim ! Music expres 
 sive of tearing your breeches. I never saw a situation 
 
148 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 at once so picturesque, dramatic, and operatic. Why 
 don t you sing 
 
 Oh, I cannot give expression 
 To this dog s deep felt impression .? 
 
 for I m sure, while he bites and you squeal, that he s 
 proving to your satisfaction how well nature understands 
 counterpoint. Bravo, Towser! that s a magnificent 
 shake ; but he won t let you favour us with a run, will 
 he, Matthew ?" 
 
 Towser held on determinedly, shaking his head and 
 growling fiercely, with his mouth full of pantaloons, 
 which, however, being very strong, did not give way and 
 suffer the distressed captive to escape. 
 
 " Hit him with a stick get a big stone !" panted 
 Minim " quit cracking jokes, for when the cloth goes 
 the horrid beast will take hold again perhaps of my 
 flesh, and bite a piece right out !" 
 
 "Very likely it s better eating than woollens; but 
 go on with your duet don t mind me," added Jinks 
 quietly, as he looked about for a missile. Having found 
 one sufficiently heavy for his purpose, he took deliberate 
 aim, and threw it with such force that the angry animal 
 was almost demolished. On finding himself so violently 
 assailed, the dog relaxed his jaws and scampered down 
 the street, making the neighbourhood vocal with his cries. 
 
 " There, I told you," said Minim, settling his disorder 
 ed dress, and hoping, by taking the lead in conversation, 
 to avoid any hard-hearted reference to his misfortune " I 
 told you he would sing out in the minor key, if he was 
 hurt. Hear that now the dog is really heartrending." 
 
 " Yes," replied Jinks, " he s quite a tearer of a dog 
 now heartrending, and from the looks of your clothes, 
 he was a little while ago really breeches-rending. But 
 pick up your flute the lecture upon natural music is 
 over for this evening." 
 
MUSIC MAD. 149 
 
 "Um!" growled Minim, discontentedly, as he took 
 
 up his hat and flute-box, and walked doggedly forward. 
 -*#**#* 
 
 Not a word was said while they walked several squares. 
 Peter was musing upon the cost of new pantaloons, and 
 Jinks chuckled to himself as he thought how capitally 
 the story about " natural music" would tell at a small 
 party. 
 
 A. protracted silence, however, if men are not alone or 
 are not positively occupied, becomes wearisome and an 
 noying, and brings the nerves into unpleasant action. 
 Taciturnity, though commended, is after all but a 
 monkish virtue. Nature designed the human race to talk 
 when they are together to be brightened and enlivened 
 by an interchange of sentiment ; and while gratifying 
 themselves by exhibiting their old ideas, to be enriched 
 by the reception of new thoughts and fresh impressions. 
 So strong is the impulse, that there are many minds 
 which, under these circumstances, cannot continue a chain 
 of thought, and grow restless and impatient, in the belief 
 that the neighbour mind gives out nothing because it 
 waits for the lead, and is troubled for the want of it. The 
 silence therefore continues, the same idea prevailing on 
 both sides, and disabling each from tossing a subject into 
 the air, to elicit that volley of ideas or of words, as the 
 case may be, which constitutes conversation. The ex 
 emplification is to be met with every day, and never 
 more frequently than in formal calls, when the parties 
 are not so well acquainted as to be able to find a com 
 mon topic on an emergency. He was not so much of 
 a simpleton as people think him, who said a foolish thing 
 during the excruciating period of an awkward pause, 
 merely for the purpose of " making talk." Every one 
 i-s familiar with plenty of instances, in which a Wamba 
 13* 
 
150 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " to make talk" would have been regarded as a blessing, 
 saving those present from the torture of cudgelling torpid 
 brains in vain, and from the annoyance of knowing that 
 each uncomfortable looking individual of the company, 
 though likewise cudgelling, regarded every other person 
 as remarkably stupid and unsocial. 
 
 From feelings analogous to those just mentioned, was 
 it that Jenkinson Jinks felt it incumbent upon him to 
 hazard an observation. He looked about for a cloud, but 
 there was none to be seen. He glanced at the stars, but 
 they were neither very bright nor very dim. 
 
 "Magnificent houses," said Jinks,, at last, by way of 
 starting a leading fact, which was at once undeniable and 
 calculated to elicit a kindly response. The conscience 
 of Jinks rather reproached him with having laughed too 
 heartily at Minim s recent misadventure, and he there 
 fore selected a topic the least likely to afford opportunity 
 for a petulant reply, or to open the way to altercation. 
 Minim received the olive branch. 
 
 " Yes, but there s a grand mistake about this luxu 
 rious edifice for instance," replied Minim; halting, and 
 leaning against a pump in front of a house which was 
 adorned with both a bell and a knocker, "the builder 
 has regarded the harmony of proportion, and all that 
 he has made the proper distances between the windows 
 and doors, the countenance, expression, and figure of 
 the house has been attended to ; Tbut I m ready to bet, 
 without trying, that no one has thought of its voice no 
 one has had the refined judgment to harmonize the bell 
 and the knocker, and, luckily for our nerves, knockers 
 are going out and have left the field to the bells. But, 
 where they remain, there s nothing but discord in the 
 vocal department; and if the servants have ears, and 
 why should they not ? it must almost drive them dis- 
 
MUSIC MAD. 151 
 
 tracted. Yes, yes very pretty fine steps, fine house, 
 bright knocker, glittering bell handle, and plenty of dis 
 cord. It s as sure as that the bell and knocker are there 
 in juxtaposition. To be morally certain, I ll try." 
 
 Up strode Matthew Minim to the top of the steps. 
 
 " Now, Jinks out with your fiddle it s up to con 
 cert pitch sound your A." 
 
 Jinks laughingly did as he was ordered, and after a 
 preliminary flourish, sounded orchestra fashion, " Twa-a-a 
 twawdle, tweedle, twawdle twa-a-a !" 
 
 " Taw-lol-tol-tee tee-lol-tol-taw !" sang Minim, tra 
 velling up and down the octave, to be sure of the pitch. 
 " Now, listen," and he rattled a stirring peal upon the 
 knocker. " That s not in tune with us no how you can 
 take it is it, Jinks ?" 
 
 " No twudle, tweedle, twudle, tweedle !" replied 
 Jinks, fiddling merrily, as he skipped about the pavement, 
 delighted with his own skill. 
 
 " Be quiet there now, I ll try whether the bell and the 
 knocker are in tune with each other. Let s give em a 
 fair trial." So saying, Minim seized the knocker in 
 one hand, and the bell in the other, sounding them to 
 the utmost of his power. 
 
 " Oh, horrid ! shameful ! abominable ! even worse 
 than I thought upon my word ! " 
 
 " Halloo, below !" said a voice from the second story 
 window, emanating from a considerable quantity of night 
 cap and wrapper ; " what s the matter ? Is it the Ino-ens, 
 or is the house afire ?" 
 
 " I ain t a fireman myself, and I can t tell until the big 
 bell rings whether there s a fire or not," said Minim; 
 " but, if the house is positively on fire, I advise you as a 
 friend to come down, and leave it as soon as possible. 
 Bring your clothes, for the weather s not over warm." 
 
152 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 "Yes," said Jinks; "bring your trousers anyhow, 
 for we ve only got one whole pair down here." 
 
 " You re a pair of impertinent rascals : what do you 
 mean by kicking up such a bobbery at this time of night ?" 
 
 " Bobbery ! don t be cross, fiddle-strings ; always be 
 harmonious in company, and melodious when you re 
 alone, especially when you snore. I merely wish to in 
 form you that your bell and knocker do not accord. Just 
 listen !" 
 
 Bell and knocker were both again operated on vigor 
 ously. 
 
 " Did you ever hear the like ? I m ashamed of you 
 have them tuned, do it s dreadful. Tune em." 
 
 Once more Minim rang the bell and plied the knocker 
 with great vigour and strength of muscle, while Jinks 
 played " Nel furor delle tempeste," from II Pirata. 
 
 The night-capped head disappeared from the window, 
 and the musical gentlemen stood chattering and laughing, 
 the one on the step and the other on the pavement, all 
 unconscious of the mischief that was brewing for them. 
 
 " Come," said Minim " let s give these people a 
 duet a serenade will enlarge their musical capacities." 
 
 " What shall it be ?" queried Jinks, humming a suc 
 cession of airs, to find something suited to the occasion. 
 
 " Something about bells, if you don t know any thing 
 about knockers," added Minim, giving the bell handle 
 another affectionate tweak. 
 
 Just then, Meinherr Night-cap and Wrapper returned 
 to the window, aided by a stout servant, bearing a bucket 
 of water. " I ll not call the watch," chuckled he, "but 
 I ll teach these fellows how to swim." 
 
 "Home, fare thee well, 
 The ocean s storm is over" 
 
 sang Matthew Minim and Jenkinson Jinks. 
 
.MUSIC MAD. 153 
 
 Not over yet," said the voice from the window, as 
 Minim was drenched by the upsetting of the bucketr 
 " take care of the ground-swell !" 
 
 A spluttering, panting, and puffing sound succeeded, 
 
 like 
 
 " The bubbling shriek, the solitary cry 
 Of some strong swimmer in his agony." 
 
 Jinks paddled off rapidly he had seen enough of the 
 Cataract of the Ganges in former times : not so with Mr. 
 ]\Iinim, who exclaimed, 
 
 "Fire and fury ! who asked for a water-piece? If 
 * Water parted is your tune, you may stick to Arne, but 
 I ll give you a touch of Kotzwara a specimen of the 
 4 Battle of Prague, with a little of the Hailstone 
 chorus. 
 
 Minim hammered away at the door ; but not being 
 able to beat in the panels with his feet, he caught up a 
 paving-stone and hurled it against the frame, shouting 
 " Stony-baiter !" 
 
 Windows flew up in all directions, and night-capped 
 heads projected from every embrasure. The people shout 
 ed, the dogs barked, and rattles were sprung all round. 
 Never was there heard a less musical din. 
 
 Minim stood aghast. " Worse and worse !" cried he ; 
 " what a clatter ! Haydn s * Chaos was a fool to this ! 
 It s natural music, however, and I ll play my part till I 
 get in, and catch the fellow who appointed himself the 
 watering committee ;" and he, therefore, continued beat 
 ing upon the door. 
 
 Mr. Minim was, however, overpowered by a number 
 of individuals, headed by the bucket bearing servant, 
 and as his heels were tripped up, he mournfully re 
 marked, 
 
 " So fell Cardinal Wolsey. Will nobody favour us 
 
154 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 with the Last words of Marra ion, or * The soldier tired, 
 My lodging is on the cold ground, or something else 
 neat and appropriate ?" 
 
 " Can t you get. somebody to bail you ?" said a pun 
 ning individual, alluding to Mr. Minim s drenched con 
 dition. 
 
 " Let him run, Jacob," exclaimed the gentleman with 
 the night-cap, speaking from the window ; " take him 
 round the corner, and give him a start. He is sufficiently 
 water-lynched,. and I want no further trouble on his ac 
 count." 
 
 " I won t go," replied Minim. " I ve finished playing 
 for the night ; but as you are leader, give the coup d r- 
 chetj and set your orchestra in motion. I won t walk 
 round the corner carry me this must be a sostenuto 
 movement." 
 
 " Well, if that ain t a good note !" said the admiring 
 crowd, as Minim was transported round the corner, 
 whence, being set at liberty, he walked drippingly home, 
 and ever after confined his musical researches within 
 decorous bounds. 
 
155 ) 
 
 RIPTON RUMSEY; 
 
 A TALE OF THE WATERS. 
 
 THEY who are at all mindful of atmospheric pheno 
 mena must remember a storm, remarkable for its vio 
 lence, which occurred not long since. It was a storm by 
 night, and of those abroad at the time, every one averse 
 to the shower bath, and having a feline dislike to wet 
 feet, will bear it in mind, at least until the impression is 
 washed out by the floods of a greater tempest. In the 
 evening, the rain, as if exercising itself for more import 
 ant feats, fell gently and at intervals ; but as the night 
 advanced, the wind came forth intent upon a frolic. Com 
 mencing with playful gambols, it amused itself at first 
 with blowing out the old women s candles at the apple 
 stands. Then growing bolder, it extinguished a few 
 corporation lamps, and, like a mischievous boy, made 
 free to snatch the hats of the unguarded, and to whisk 
 them through mud and kennel. At length becoming wild 
 by indulgence, it made a terrible turmoil through the 
 streets, without the slightest regard to municipal regula 
 tions to the contrary. It went whooping at the top of its 
 voice round the corners, whistled shrilly through the 
 key-holes, and howled in dismal tones about the chimney 
 tops. Here, it startled the negligent housewife from her 
 slumbers by slamming the unbolted shutter till it roared 
 
156 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 like a peal of artillery ; and there, it tossed a rusty sign 
 until its ancient hinges creaked for mercy ; while at 
 intervals, the heavy tumble of scantling told that when 
 Auster chooses to kick up a breeze, he is very nearly as 
 good at a practical joke as Boreas, or any other frolic 
 some member of the jEolian family. The clouds too 
 threw open their sluices, and the water joining" in the 
 saturnalia, tried a variety of ways to amuse itself, and its 
 capers were as numerous as those of the gale. It beat 
 the tattoo upon the pavement with such sportive fury, 
 that it was difficult to decide whether it did not rain up 
 ward as violently as it did downward. Anon the breeze 
 came sweeping along in a horizontal shower, disdaining 
 alike the laws of gravity, and the perpendicular, but more 
 hackneyed method of accomplishing its object. In short, 
 whether reference be had to wind or to water, it may be 
 noted in the journals of those curious in regard to wea 
 ther, as a night equally calculated to puzzle an umbrella, 
 and to render " every man his own washerwoman." 
 
 Selecting a single incident from the many, which it is 
 natural to suppose might have been found by the aid of a 
 diving bell on such a night, it becomes necessary to fish 
 up Ripton Rumsey, who happened to be abroad on that 
 occasion, as he is upon all occasions when left to consult 
 his own wishes. Where Ripton had been in the early 
 part of the evening, it would not have been easy either 
 for himself or any one else to tell. It is, therefore, fair 
 to infer that, distributing his attentions, he had been as 
 usual " about in spots." The fact is he has a hobby, 
 which, like many hobbies, is apt to throw its rider. Al 
 though temperately disposed, such is the inquiring nature 
 of his philosophic spirit, that, with a view perhaps to 
 the ultimate benefit of the human race, he is continually 
 experimenting as to the effects of alcoholic stimulants 
 
RIPTON RUMSEY. 157 
 
 upon the human frame. It is probable, therefore, that on 
 this occasion having " imbibed too much of the enemy" 
 neat as imported, he had walked forth to qualify it by a 
 stroll in the rain. This, however, is irrelevant, where 
 he was, is the point at issue. 
 
 The rain came down heavier than ever. A solitary 
 watchman, more amphibious than his race in general, 
 was seen wending his way through the puddles, think 
 ing, if he thought at all, of the discomforts of those whom 
 Noah left behind, and of that happy provision of nature 
 which renders a wet back fatal to none but young gos 
 lings. Dodging between the drops was out of the ques 
 tion ; so he strode manfully onward, until he stumbled 
 over something which lay like a lion, or a bundle of wet 
 clothing, in his path. 
 
 " Why, hello ! what do you call this when it s biled, 
 and the skin s tuck off?" said he, recovering himself, 
 and giving the obstruction a thrust with his foot. " What s 
 this without ing ens ?" continued he, in that metaphorical 
 manner peculiar to men of his profession, when they ask 
 for naked truths and uncooked facts. 
 
 It was Ripton Rumsey in that independent condition 
 which places men beyond the control of circumstances, 
 enabling them to sleep quietly either on the pavement 
 or on the track of a well travelled railroad, and to repose 
 in despite of rain, thunder, a gnawing conscience, or the 
 fear of a locomotive. It was Ripton Rumsey, saved from 
 being floated away solely by the saturated condition of 
 both his internal and external man. 
 
 " It s a man," remarked the investigator, holding to a 
 tree with his right hand, as he curiously, yet cautiously 
 pawed Ripton with his left foot. "It s a man who s 
 turned in outside of the door, and is taking a snooze on 
 the cold water principle. Well, I say, neighbour, jist in 
 
 14 
 
158 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 a friendly way," added he, giving Ripton a prodigious 
 kick as an evidence of his amicable feeling " if you 
 don t get up, you ll ketch a nagee or the collar-and-fix- 
 you. Up with you, Jacky Dadle." 
 
 Ripton s condition, as before hinted, was beyond the 
 ordinary impulses to human action ; and he, therefore, 
 endured several severe digs with the foot aforesaid, with 
 out uttering more than a deep-toned grunt ; but at last 
 the sharp corner of the boot coming in contact with his 
 ribs, he suddenly turned over in the graceful attitude of a 
 frog, and struck out vigorously. Like Giovanni s faith 
 ful squire, he proved himself an adept at swimming on 
 land. He " handled" his arms and legs with such dex 
 terity, that before his progress could be arrested, he was 
 on the curbstone. The next instant heard him plunge 
 into the swollen and roaring kennel, and with his head 
 sticking above the water, he buffeted the waves with a 
 heart of controversy. 
 
 " The boat s blowed up, and them that ain t biled are 
 all overboard !" spluttered the swimmer, as he dashed 
 the waters about, and seemed almost strangled with the 
 quantities which entered the hole in his head entitled a 
 mouth, which was sadly unacquainted with undistilled 
 fluids " Strike out, or you re gone chickens ! them as 
 can t swim must tread water, and them as can t tread 
 water must go to Davy Jones ! Let go my leg ! Every 
 man for himself! Phre-e-e ! bro-o-o ! Who s got some 
 splatterdocks ?" 
 
 The watch looked on in silent admiration ; but finding 
 that the aquatic gentleman did not make much headway, 
 and that a probability existed of his going out of the 
 world in soundings and by water, a way evidently not in 
 conformity to his desires, the benevolent guardian of the 
 night thought proper to interpose ; and bending himself 
 

 , . . f 
 
 . 
 
 
 
 seme.- 
 
 . 2JS 
 
RIPTON RUMSEY. 159 
 
 to the work, at last succeeded in re-establishing Ripton 
 Rumsey on the curbstone. 
 
 " Ha !" said Ripton, after gasping a few minutes, and 
 wringing the water from his face and hair " you ve 
 saved me, and you ll be put in the newspapers for it by 
 way of solid reward. Jist in time I d been down twyst, 
 and if I d gone agin, Ripton Rumsey would a stayed there 
 once more and the last and the nearest gits it. Only 
 think my eye ! how the shads and the catties would a 
 chawed me up ! Getting drownded ain t no fun, and 
 after you re drownded it s wus. My sufferings what I had 
 and my sufferings what I like to had is enough to make 
 a feller cry, only I ain t got no hankercher, and my 
 sleeve s so wet it won t wipe good." 
 
 "Yes, young un," said the Charley, "s posing the 
 fishes had been betting on elections, they d have invited 
 the other fishes to eat you for oyster suppers, so much 
 majority for sturgeon-nose, or a Ripton Rumsey supper 
 for the company why not ? If we ketch the fishes, we eat 
 them ; and if they ketch us, they eat us, bite all round." 
 
 But the storm again began to howl, and as Ripton 
 evidently did not understand the rationale of the argument^ 
 the watchman lost his poetic sympathy for the Jonah of 
 the gutters. Even had he heard the fishes calling for " Rip- 
 ton Rumseys fried," "Ripton Rumseys stewed," or 
 " Ripton Rumseys on a chafing dish," he would have felt 
 indifferent about the matter, and if asked how he would 
 take him, would undoubtedly have said, " Ripton Rumsey 
 on a wheelbarrow." 
 
 " You must go to the watch-house." 
 
 " What fur must I ! Fetch along the Humane Soci 
 ety s apparatus for the recovery of drownded indiwidooals 
 them s what I want I m water logged. Bring us one 
 of the largest kind of smallers a tumbler full of brandy 
 
160 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and water, without no water in it. I ve no notion of 
 being diddled out of the sweets of my interesting sitiva- 
 tion I want the goodies wrap me in a hot blanket and 
 lay me by the fire put hot bricks to my feet, fill me up 
 with hot toddy, and then go away. That s the scientific 
 touch, and it s the only way I m to be brung to, because 
 when I m drownded I m a hard case." 
 
 The Charley promised all, if Ripton would accompany 
 him. The soft delusion was believed, and the "hard 
 case" was lodged in the receptacle for such as he, where, 
 before he discovered the deception, he fell into a pro 
 found slumber, which lasted till morning. The examina 
 tion was as follows : 
 
 " Where do you live?" 
 
 "I m no ways petickelar jist where it s cheapest and 
 most convenient. The cheapest kind of living, according 
 to my notion, is when it s pretty good and don t cost 
 nothing. In winter, the Alms House is not slow, and 
 if you ll give us a call, you ll find me there when the 
 snow s on the ground. But when natur smiles and the 
 grass is green, I m out like a hoppergrass. The fact is, 
 my constitution isn t none of the strongest ; hard work 
 hurts my system ; so I go about doing little jobs for a fip 
 or a levy, so s to get my catnip tea and bitters regular 
 any thing for a decent living, if it doesn t tire a feller. 
 But hang the city rural felicity and no Charleys is the 
 thing, after all pumpkins, cabbages, and apple whiskey 
 is always good for a weakly constitution and a man of an 
 elewated turn of mind." 
 
 " Well, I ll send you to Moyamensing prison quite 
 rural." 
 
 The sound of that awful word struck terror to the very 
 marrow of Ripton. Like the rest of his class, while 
 bearing his soul in his stomach, he carries his heart at 
 
RIPTON RUMSEY. 161 
 
 the end of his nose, and to his heart rushed the blood 
 from every part of his frame, until the beacon blazed with 
 a lurid glare, and the bystanders apprehended nasal apo 
 plexy. The rudder of his countenance grew to such a 
 size that there was no mistaking the leading feature of 
 the case. To see before him, Ripton was compelled to 
 squint direfully, and as the beggar in Gil Bias did his car 
 bine, he found himself under the necessity of resting his 
 tremendous proboscis on the clerk s desk, while cocking 
 his eye at his honour. 
 
 " Miamensin !" stammered Ripton "Ouch, ouch! 
 now don t ! that s a clever feller. Arch street was all 
 well enough plenty of company and conversation to 
 improve a chap. But Miamensin scandaylus ! Why 
 they clap you right into a bag as soon as you get inside 
 the door, jist as if they d bought you by the bushel, and 
 then, by way of finishing your education, they lug you 
 along and empty you into a room where you never see 
 nothing nor nobody. It s jist wasting a man I m be 
 :3r? bagged if I go to Miamensin ! I d rather be in the Me- 
 nagerry, and be stirred up with a long pole twenty times 
 a day, so as to cause me for to growl to amuse the com 
 pany. I ain t potatoes to be put into a bag blow the 
 bag!" 
 
 " There s no help for it, Ripton ; you are a vagrant, 
 and must be taken care of." 
 
 " That s what I like ; but bagging a man is no sort of 
 a way of taking care of him, unless he s a dead robin or 
 a shot torn-tit. As for being a vagrom, it s all owing to 
 my weakly constitution, and because I can t have my 
 bitters and catnip tea regular. But if it s the law, here s 
 at you. Being a judge, or a mayor, or any thing of that 
 sort s easy done without catnip tea; it don t hurt your 
 hands, or strain your back; but jist try a spell at smashing 
 
 14* 
 
162 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 stones, or piling logs, and you d learn what s what with 
 out being put in a bag. 
 
 " Never mind," said Ripton, as he was conducted 
 from the office, " every thing goes round in this world. 
 Perhaps I ll be stuck up some day on a bench to ladle 
 out law to the loafers. Who knows ? Then let me 
 have a holt of some of the chaps that made Miamensin. 
 I d ladle out the law to em so hot, they d not send their 
 plates for more soup in a hurry. I d have a whole bucket 
 ful of catnip tea alongside, and the way they d ketch 
 thirty days, and thirty days a top of that, would make 
 em grin like chessy cats. First I d bag all the Char 
 leys, and then I d bag all the mayors, and sew em up." 
 
( 163) 
 
 A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE DECLINE AND FALL OF TIPPLETON TIPPS. 
 
 As the reader may have observed in his journey 
 through life, the shades and varieties of human character 
 are infinite. Although the temperaments, like the car 
 dinal numbers, are not multitudinous, yet in the course 
 of events they have been so combined with each other, 
 and are so modified by circumstance, that ingenuity 
 itself cannot institute subdivisions to classify mankind 
 with correctness. Whatever it may have been when our 
 ancestors existed in the nomadic state and herded in 
 tribes, it is difficult now to find the temperaments in their 
 pristine purity ; and in consequence, it is but vague de 
 scription to speak of others as sanguineous, nervous, or 
 saturnine. Something more definite is required to con 
 vey to the mind a general impression of the individual, 
 and to give an idea of his mode of thought, his habitual 
 conduct, and his principles of action. Luckily, however, 
 for the cause of science and for the graphic force of lan 
 guage, there is a universal aptitude to paint with words, 
 and to condense a catalogue of qualities in a phrase, 
 which has been carried to such perfection, that in ac- 
 
164 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 quiring through the medium of another a knowledge of 
 the distinctive moral features of our fellow mortals, it is 
 by no means necessary to devote hours to query and 
 response. An intelligent witness can convey to us the 
 essence of a character in a breath ; a flourish of the 
 tongue will sketch a portrait, and place it, varnished and 
 framed, in our mental picture gallery. The colours will, 
 it is true, be coarsely dashed in, but the strength of the 
 resemblance abundantly compensates for deficiency of 
 finish. If, for instance, we are briefly told that Mr. Plin- 
 limmon is a " cake," the word may be derided as a cant 
 appellation ; the ultra-fastidious may turn up their noses 
 at it as a slang phrase ; but volumes could not render our 
 knowledge of the man more perfect. We have him as 
 it were, upon a salver, weak, unwholesome, and insipid 
 suited to the fancy, perhaps, of the very youthful, but 
 by no means qualified for association with the bold, the 
 mature, and the enterprising. When -we hear that a 
 personage is classed by competent judges among the 
 "spoons," we do not of course expect to find him 
 shining in the buffet ; but we are satisfied that in action 
 he must figure merely as an instrument. There are 
 likewise, in this method of painting to the ear, the nicest 
 shades of difference, often represented and made intelli 
 gible solely by the change of a letter, " soft" being 
 the positive announcement of a good easy soul, and 
 " saft" intimating that his disposition takes rank in the 
 superlative degree of mollification. When danger s to 
 be confronted, who would rashly rely upon a " skulk ?" 
 or, under any circumstances, ask worldly advice of those 
 verdant worthies known among their cotemporaries as 
 decidedly " green ?" 
 
 Such words are the mystic cabala ; they are the key 
 to individuality, throwing open a panoramic view of the 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 165 
 
 man, and foreshadowing his conduct in any supposed 
 emergency. 
 
 Therefore, when we speak of Tippleton Tipps as a 
 " whole-souled fellow," the acute reader will find an 
 inkling of biography in the term he will understand 
 that Tippleton is likely to be portrayed as " no one s 
 enemy but his own" and from that will have a 
 glimpse of disastrous chances, of hairbreadth scapes, 
 and of immediate or prospective wreck. According to 
 the popular acceptation of the phrase, a " whole-soul" is 
 a boiler without a safety valve, doomed sooner or later to 
 explode with fury, if wisdom with her gimblet fail in 
 making an aperture : the puncture, however, being ef 
 fected, the soul is a whole-soul no longer. It must 
 therefore be confessed that Tippleton Tipps has not 
 thus been bored by wisdom. He has a prompt alacrity 
 at a "blow-out" and has been skyed in a "blow-up," 
 two varieties of the blow which frequently follow each 
 other so closely as to be taken for cause and effect. 
 
 Tippleton Tipps, as his soubriquet imports, is one of 
 those who rarely become old, and are so long engaged in 
 sowing their wild oats as to run to seed themselves, never 
 fructifying in the way of experience, unless it be, like 
 Bardolph, in the region of the nose. Before the con 
 densing process was applied to language, he would pro 
 bably have been called a dissipated, unsteady rogue, who 
 walked in the broad path which furnishes sea-room for 
 eccentricities of conduct ; but in these labour-saving 
 times, he rejoices in the milder, but quite as descriptive 
 tide of a whole-souled fellow, the highest degree attain 
 able in the college of insouciance and jollity. It is, how 
 ever, no honorary distinction, to be gained without toil 
 or danger* The road is steep and thorny, and though 
 in striving to reach the topmost height, there is no ne- 
 
166 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 cessity for burning the midnight oil in the retired study, 
 yet the midnight lamp, and many of the lamps which 
 beam between the noon of night and morning, are often 
 incidentally smashed in the process. Aspirants for other 
 academic glories become pale with application and pro 
 tracted vigils, but the whole-souled fellow will outwatch 
 the lynx, and, if his cheek be blanched, the colour is 
 made up in another portion of his visage. He is apt to 
 be as "deeply red" as anyone, though the locality of 
 his acquirements may be different. 
 
 The strict derivation of the title acquired by Tipple- 
 ton the W. S. F. by which he is distinguished is not 
 easily to be traced. There is, however, a vulgar belief 
 that the philosopher who devotes himself to profound 
 investigations, whether theoretical, like those of the 
 schools, or experimental, like those of the Tippses, is not 
 altogether free from flaw in the region of the occiput, 
 and hence, as the schoolman has the sutures of his cra 
 nium caulked with latinized degrees, and as one should 
 always have something whole about him, fancy and 
 charity combined give the fast-livers credit for a "whole- 
 soul. 
 
 Now, Tippleton Tipps always lived uncommonly fast. 
 He is in fact remarkable for free action and swift travel, 
 existing regularly at the rate of sixteen miles an hour 
 under a trot, and can go twenty in a gallop. He sleeps 
 fast, talks fast, eats fast, drinks fast, and, that he may get 
 on the faster, seldom thinks at all. It is an axiom of his 
 that thinking, if not " an idle waste of thought," is a 
 very leaden business one must stop to think, which 
 wastes time and checks enterprise. He reprobates it as 
 much as he does poring over books, an employment 
 which he regards as only calculated to give a man a 
 "crick in the neck," and to spoil the originality of his 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 167 
 
 ideas. A whole-souled fellow knows every thing intui 
 tively what is reason with others, is instinct in him. 
 
 When Tippleton was quite a little boy, his moral idio 
 syncrasy manifested itself in a very decisive way. His 
 generosity was remarkable ; he was never known to pause 
 in giving away the playthings belonging to his brothers 
 and sisters ; and his disinterestedness was such that he 
 never hesitated an instant in breaking or losing his own, 
 if sure of repairing the deficit by foraging upon others. 
 No sordid impulse prevented a lavish expenditure of his 
 pennies, and as soon as they were gone he " financiered" 
 with the same liberality by borrowing from his little 
 friends, never offending their delicacy by an offer to 
 return the loan, a blunder into which meaner spirits 
 sometimes fall. When that statesmanlike expedient 
 would no longer answer, he tried the great commercial 
 system upon a small scale, by hypothecating with the 
 apple and pie woman the pennies he was to receive, thus 
 stealing a march upon time by living in advance. There 
 being many apple women and likewise many pie wo 
 men, he extended his business in this whole-souled sort 
 of a way, and skilfully avoiding the sinking of more 
 pennies than actually necessary to sustain his credit, he 
 prospered for some time in the eating line. But as every 
 thing good is sure to have an end, the apple and pie sys 
 tem being at last blown out tolerably large, Tippleton 
 exploded with no assets. By way of a moral lesson, his 
 father boxed his ears and refused to settle with his credi 
 tors, whereupon Tippleton concluded that the sin lay al 
 together in being found out, while his mother kissed 
 him, gave him a half dollar, and protested that he had the 
 spirit of a prince and ought not to be snubbed. As the 
 spirit of a prince is a fine thing, it was cherished accord 
 ingly, and Tippleton spent his cash and laughed at the 
 pie women. 
 
168 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 The home department of his training being thus 
 carefully attended to, Tippleton went to a variety of 
 * lyceums," " academies," and " institutes," and mosaick 
 ed his education by remaining long enough to learn the 
 branches of mischief indigenous to each, when, either 
 because he had outstripped his teacher, or because his 
 whole-soul had become too large, he was invariably 
 requested to resign, receiving on all of these interesting 
 occasions the cuff paternal and the kiss maternal, the 
 latter being accompanied, as usual, with a reinforcement 
 to his purse and a plaudit to his spirit. Tippleton then 
 took a turn at college, where he received the last polish 
 before the premature notice to quit was served upon him ; 
 and at seventeen he was truly " whole-souled," playing 
 billiards as well as any * pony" in the land, and boxing 
 as scientifically as the " deaf un." He could owe every 
 body with a grace peculiar to himself; kick up the 
 noisiest of all possible rows at the theatre, invariably 
 timed with such judgment as to make a tumultuous rush 
 at the most interesting part of the play ; he could extem 
 porize a fracas at a ball, and could put Cayenne pepper 
 in a church stove. The most accomplished young man 
 about town was Tippleton Tipps, and every year in 
 creased his acquirements. 
 
 Time rolled on ; the elder Tippses left the world 
 for their offspring to bustle in, and Tippleton, reaching 
 his majority, called by a stretch of courtesy the age of 
 discretion, received a few thousands as his outfit in 
 manhood. He, therefore, resolved to setup for himself, 
 determined to be a whole-souled fellow all the time, 
 instead of, as before, acting in that capacity after business 
 hours. 
 
 " Now," said Tipps, exultingly, " I ll see what fun 
 is made of now I ll enjoy life now I ll be a man !" 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 169 
 
 And, acting on that common impression, which, how 
 ever, is not often borne out by the result, that when the 
 present means are exhausted something miraculous will 
 happen to recruit the finances, Tippleton commenced 
 operations, stylish lodgings, a " high trotting horse," 
 buggy, and all other " confederate circumstance." It was 
 soon known that he was under weigh, and plenty of 
 friends forthwith clustered around him, volunteering their 
 advice, and lending their aid to enable him to support the 
 character of a-whole-souled fellow in the best and latest 
 manner. Wherever his knowledge happened to be defi 
 cient, Digs " put him up" to this, Twiggs " put him up" 
 to that, and Sniggs "put him up" to t other, and Diggs, 
 Twiggs, and Sniggs gave him the preference whenever 
 they wanted a collateral security or a direct loan. Thus, 
 Tippleton not only had the pleasure of their company at 
 frolics given by himself, but had likewise the advantage 
 of being invited by them to entertainments for which his 
 own money paid. 
 
 44 Clever is hardly a name for you, Tippleton," said 
 Diggs, using the word in its cis-atlantic sense. 
 
 44 No back-out in him," mumbled Sniggs, with un 
 wonted animation. 
 
 " The whole-souled st fellow I ever saw," chimed 
 Twiggs. 
 
 Tippleton had just furnished his satellites with the 
 cash to accompany him to the races ; for then he was yet 
 rather " flush." 
 
 44 Give me Tippleton anyhow," said Diggs, 4 he s 
 all sperrit." 
 
 44 And no mistake," chimed Sniggs. 
 
 " He wanted it himself, I know he did," ejaculated 
 Twiggs, 44 but, whole-souled fellow " and Twiggs but 
 toned his pocket on the needful, and squinted through 
 
 15 
 
170 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the shutters at the tailor s boy and the bootmaker s boy, 
 who walked suspiciously away from the door, as if they 
 didn t believe that 
 
 TIPPLETON TIPPS, ESQ. 
 
 Dr. 
 
 To sundries as per account rendered, 
 
 was " not in." Tailors boys, and shoemakers boys, 
 and indeed, bill-bearing boys in general, are matter-of- 
 factish incredulous creatures at best, and have no respect 
 for the poetic licenses ; they are not aware that whole- 
 souled people, like the mysterious ball of those ingenious 
 artists the ** thimble riggers," who figure upon the sward 
 on parade days, race days, hanging days, and other 
 popular jubilees, are either in or out as the emergencies 
 of the case require. 
 
 But what would not Tippleton do to maintain his 
 reputation ? While he had the means, let borrowers be as 
 plenty as blackberries, they had only to pronounce the 
 " open sesame" to have their wishes gratified, even if 
 Tippleton himself were obliged to borrow to effect so 
 desirable an object. The black looks of landlords and 
 landladies, the pertinacities of mere business creditors, 
 what are they, when the name of a whole-souled fellow 
 is at stake ? Would they have such a one sink into the 
 meanness of giving the preference to engagements which 
 bring no credit except upon books ? Is selfishness so 
 predominant in their natures ? If so, they need not look 
 to be honoured by the Tippleton Tippses with the light 
 of their countenance, or the sunshine of their patronage. 
 There is not a Tipps in the country who would lavish 
 interviews upon men or the representatives of men, who 
 have so little sympathy with the owners of whole-souls. 
 
 To such, the answer will invariably be " not in." 
 
 * # * * * 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 171 
 
 " Tippleton Tipps, I ve an idea," said Diggs. 
 
 * Surprising," said Tippleton moodily. 
 
 " A splendid idea a fortune-making idea for you," 
 continued Diggs. 
 
 Now, it so happened that Tippleton was just in that 
 situation in which the prospect of a fortune is a " splendid 
 idea," even to a " whole-souled fellow." His funds were 
 exhausted his credit pumped dry ; the horse and buggy 
 had been sequestered, " and something miraculous" in the 
 shape of relief had not happened. In fact, affairs were in 
 that desperate condition which offers no resource but the 
 dreadful one of suicide, or that still more dreadful alter 
 native, going to work, running away without the means 
 being a matter of impossibility. 
 
 " As how ?" interrogated Tippleton dubiously, he 
 having but little faith in the money-making schemes 
 broached by Diggs, that individual s talent lying quite in 
 another direction. 
 
 "As how?" chorussed Sniggs and Twiggs, who, as 
 hard run as their compatriots, snuffed free quarters in the 
 word, and a well-filled purse ready at their call. 
 
 " You must marry," added Diggs. Get thee a wife, 
 Tippleton." 
 
 " Ah ! that would improve the matter amazingly, and 
 be quite a profitable speculation," replied Tippleton 
 ironically. 
 
 "To be sure why not? What s to prevent a good 
 looking, whole-souled fellow like you from making a 
 spec ? Grimson s daughter, for instance not pretty, 
 but plaguey rich only child what s to hinder eh ?" 
 
 " Yes what s to hinder ?" said Twiggs and Sniggs, 
 looking at each other, and then at Tippleton " whole- 
 souled good looking and all that just what the girls 
 like." 
 
172 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 " Perhaps they do, but papas do not," said Tipple- 
 ton, with a meditating look ; " as for old Grimson, he 
 hates em." 
 
 " Very like ; but you don t want to marry Grimson- 
 get the daughter, and the father follows that s the plan. 
 If it must be so, why make an impression upon Miss 
 Jemima first then shave off your whiskers, uncurl your 
 hair, put your hat straight on your head, and swear to a 
 reform quit fun, go to bed early very hard certainly, 
 but when matters are once properly secured, then you 
 know ha ! ha !" and Twiggs sportively knocked Tip- 
 pleton in the ribs. 
 
 " Ha ! ha !" laughed Twiggs and Sniggs, poking each 
 other in the same anatomical region. 
 
 Although Tippleton had but little fancy for matrimony 
 in general, or for Miss Jemima Grimson in particular, 
 yet under the circumstances, he felt disposed to venture 
 on the experiment and to try what could be done. He 
 therefore continued the conversation, w r hich happened 
 late one night in a leading thoroughfare, and which was 
 interrupted in a strange, startling manner. 
 
 An intelligent " hem !" given in that peculiar tone 
 which intimates that the utterer has made a satisfactory 
 discovery, seemed to issue from a neighbouring tree-box, 
 and as Messrs. Tipps, Diggs, Sniggs, and Twiggs directed 
 their astonished regards toward the suspected point, a 
 head decorated with a straw hat a very unseasonable 
 article at the time, and more unseasonable from its lid- 
 like top, which opened and shut at each passing breeze 
 protruded from the shelter. 
 
 " Ahem !" repeated the head, seeming to speak with 
 * most miraculous organ," the wintry blast lifting up 
 the hat-crown and letting it fall again, as if it were the 
 mouth of some nondescript " Ahem ! I like the specki- 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 173 
 
 lation myself, and I must either be tuck in as a pardener 
 or I ll peach. I knows old Grimsings he lent me a kick 
 and a levy t other day, and if I don t see good reason to 
 the contrayry, I mean to stick up fur him. It s a prime 
 speckilation fur me every-vich-vay." 
 
 The conspirators were astonished, as well they might 
 be, at the sudden and unexpected apparition among them 
 of another " whole-souled fellow" with a dilapidated hat. 
 The stranger was Richard Dout, the undegenerated scion 
 of a noble house, the members of which have been con 
 spicuous in all ages it was Richard, known to his 
 familiars by the less respectful, but certainly more affec 
 tionate appellation of " Dicky Dout." He is a man of 
 fine feelings and very susceptible susceptibilities, being 
 of that peculiar temperament which is generally under 
 stood to constitute genius, and possessing that delicate 
 organization which is apt to run the head of its owner 
 against stone walls, and prompts him on all occasions to 
 put his fingers in the fire. He has, therefore, like his 
 illustrious progenitors, a strong affinity for "looped and 
 windowed raggedness," and rather a tendency toward a 
 physical method of spiritualizing the grosser particles of 
 the frame. But for once, Dout was sharpened for 
 " speckilation." 
 
 " I m to go sheers," added Dout, as if it were a settled 
 thing. 
 
 Sheer off, you impudent rascal !" ejaculated the 
 party. 
 
 " Oh, I don t mind sass," replied he, seating himself 
 coolly on the fire-plug, and deliberately tucking up the 
 only tail which remained to his coat " Cuss as much as 
 you please it won t skeerwotl know out o me. Don t 
 hurt yourself, said Carlo to the kitten. I ll see Grim- 
 sings in the morning, if I ain t agreeable here I m to 
 15* 
 
174 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 have fust every and a shot this time, as the boys says ven 
 they re playin of marvels. Let them knuckle down 
 close as can t help it," concluded Dout, as he whistled 
 and rubbed his shin, and remarked that when " sot upon 
 a thing he was raal lignum witey." 
 
 " Tippleton!" said Diggs. 
 
 "Well?" replied Tippleton. 
 
 "A fix!" 
 
 " Ra-a-ther." 
 
 " Nullum go-um" added Sniggs, who prided himself 
 upon his classical knowledge. 
 
 "E pluribum umber, if you come to that," interjected 
 Dout. 
 
 " We re caught," added Twiggs, who dealt largely in 
 French; " we re caught, tootin in the assembly " 
 
 " Does he know us ?" inquired Tippleton. 
 
 " To be sure," replied Dout " we whole-souled 
 fellers knows everybody in the same line of busi 
 ness." 
 
 This was decidedly a check the speculators were 
 outgeneralled by the genius of the Douts ; so making 
 a virtue of necessity, they mollified him by a slight 
 douceur scraped up at the time, and large promises for 
 the future. Dicky was forthwith installed as boot-cleaner 
 and coat-brusher to the party, as well as recipient of 
 old clothes, under condition of keeping tolerably sober 
 and very discreet. 
 
 Peace being thus concluded, Tippleton Tipps com 
 menced the campaign against the heart of Miss Jemima 
 Grimson, who liked whole-souled fellows, and began the 
 work of ingratiating himself with his father s old friend 
 Mr. Grimson, who cordially disliked whole-souled fellows. 
 In the first place, therefore, he ceased to associate pub 
 licly with Diggs, Sniggs, and Twiggs, and contented him- 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 175 
 
 self with chuckling with them in private. He silenced 
 his creditors by demonstrating 1 to them that he was a 
 young man of great expectations, and even contrived to 
 ohtain advances upon the prospect, wherewith to keep 
 himself in trim and to nourish Dicky Dout. Miss Je 
 mima was delighted, for Tippleton had such a way with 
 him ; while Mr. Grimson s unfavourable impressions 
 gradually vanished before his professions of reform and 
 improved conduct. The old gentleman employed him 
 as a clerk, and had a strong inclination either to " set him 
 up" or to "take him in." "Such a correct, sensible 
 young man has he become," quoth Grimson. 
 
 Things were thus beautifully en train, when Mr. 
 Grimson rashly sent his protege with a sum of money 
 to be used in a specified way in a neighbouring city, and 
 the protege, who longed to indulge himself in that which 
 he classically termed a "knock-around," took his allies 
 Diggs, Sniggs, and Twiggs with him. The " cash proper" 
 being expended the wine being in and the wit being 
 out Tippleton being a whole-souled fellow, and his 
 companions knowing it, the " cash improper" was diverted 
 from its legitimate channel, and after a few days of roar 
 ing mirth, they returned rather dejected and disheartened. 
 ***** 
 
 "Come, what s the use of sighing?" roared Tipple- 
 ton, as they sat dolorously in a snug corner at the head 
 quarters of the whole-souled fellows. " The money s 
 not quite out Champagne !" 
 
 " Bravo, Tippleton !" responded his companions, and 
 the corks flew merrily " That s the only way to see 
 one s road out of trouble." 
 
 " Another bottle, Dout ! that for Grim son !" shouted 
 Tipps, snapping his fingers "I ll run off with his 
 daughter what do you say to that, Dicky Dout?" 
 
176 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 Dicky dodged the cork which was flirted at him, and 
 regarding the company with a lugubrious air, observed : 
 
 " Accordin to me, gettin corned s noway there s 
 only two business sitiations in which it s allowable 
 one s when you re so skeered you can t tell what to do, 
 and the other s when your eyes is sot and it s no use 
 doin nothin when you re goin , and when you re 
 gone it makes you go by a sort of a slant, instead of a 
 bumping tumble. It eases a feller down like a tayckle, 
 when on temperance principles he d break his neck. 
 For my part, I think this bustin of yourn looks bad" 
 Dicky filled a glass and drained its contents" spe 
 cially when you re goin it on crab-apple cider." 
 
 " Get out, Dicky Dout ! Fetch some cigars, Dicky 
 Dout!" 
 
 The party sang songs, the party made speeches, and 
 the party rapidly drank up the remainder of Mr. Grim- 
 son s cash, a catastrophe which in their present state of 
 mind did not trouble them at all, except when they re 
 membered that no more money, no more wine. Boniface 
 was used to dealing with whole-souled fellows. 
 
 " Order, gentlemen !" said Tipps, rising to deliver an 
 address " I don t get upon my feet to impugn the eye 
 sight, gentlemen, or the ear-sight, gentlemen, of any 
 member present ; but merely to state that there are facts 
 primary facts, like a kite, and contingent facts, like 
 bob-tails one set of facts that hang on to another set of 
 facts" and Tippleton grasped the table to support him 
 self. " The first of these facts is, that in looking out at 
 the window I see snow I likewise hear sleigh-bells, from 
 which we have the bob-tailed contingent that we ought 
 to go a sleighing to encourage domestic manufactures." 
 
 "Hurra!" said Diggs and Sniggs "let s go a 
 sleighing !" 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 177 
 
 " Hurray !" muttered Twiggs, who sat drowsing over 
 an extinguished cigar and an empty glass "let s go a 
 Maying!" 
 
 " I have stated, gentlemen," continued Tipps, sway 
 ing to and fro, and endeavouring to squeeze a drop from 
 a dry bottle " several facts, but there is another a 
 further contingent the sleighing may be good, and we 
 ought to go but, gentlemen, we ve got no money ! 
 That s what I call an appalling fact, in great staring capi 
 tals the money s gone, the Champagne s gone, but 
 though we made em go, we can t go ourselves !" 
 
 Tippleton Tipps sank into his chair, and added, as he 
 sucked at his cigar with closed eyes : 
 
 " Capitalists desiring to contract will please send in 
 their terms, sealed and endorsed * Proposals to loan. 
 
 " Cloaks, watches, and breast-pins spout em," 1 ::::ed 
 Dout from a corner. "We whole-souled people always 
 plant sich articles in sleighing-time, and let s em crop 
 out in the spring." 
 
 The hint was taken. As the moon rose, a sleigh whiz 
 zed rapidly along the street, and as it passed, Tippleton 
 Tipps was seen bestriding it like a Colossus, whirling 
 his arms as if they were the fans of a windmill, and 
 screaming " Tis my delight of a shiny night !" in which 
 his associates, including Dout, who was seated by the 
 driver, joined with all their vocal power. 
 
 " Twas merry in the parlor, twas merry in the hall," 
 when Tippleton, cum suis, alighted at a village inn. 
 Fiddles were playing and people were dancing all over 
 the house, and the new arrivals did not lose time in 
 adding to the jovial throng. Tippleton, seizing the bar 
 maid s cap, placed it on his own head, and using the 
 shovel and tongs for the apparatus of a fiddler, danced 
 and played on top of the table, while Dout beat the door 
 
178 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 by way of a drum, and Diggs, Sniggs, and Twiggs dis 
 turbed the " straight fours" of the company in the general 
 assembly-room by a specimen of the Winnebago war- 
 dance, the whole being accompanied by whoopings after 
 the manner of the aborigines. 
 
 The clamor drew the " select parties" into the passages 
 to see the latest arrivals from Pandemonium. 
 
 " Who cares for Grimson ?" said Tipps, as he fiddled 
 and sung the following choice morceau from Quizembob s 
 Reliques of Lyric Poetry 
 
 " Oh ! my father-in-law to me was cross ; 
 Oh twas neither for the better, nor yet for the worse ; 
 He neither would give me a cow nor a horse" 
 
 when Mr. Grimson and Miss Jemima Grimson from the 
 " select parties" stood before him. 
 
 "So, Mr. Tippleton Tipps, this is your reform! 
 be pleased to follow me, and give an account of the 
 business intrusted to your charge," said Mr. Grimson 
 sternly. 
 
 " Ha ! ha !" laughed Tippleton, fiddling up to him 
 " business -pooh! Dance, my old buck, dance like a 
 whole-souled fellow like me dance, Jemimy, it may 
 make you pretty 
 
 " He neither would give me a cow nor a horse" 
 
 Mr. Grimson turned indignantly on his heel, and Miss 
 Jemima Grimson, frowning volumes of disdain at seeing 
 her lover thus attired and thus disporting himself, and 
 at hearing him thus contumelious to her personal charms, 
 gave him what is poetically termed " a look," and sailed 
 majestically out of the room leaning on her father s arm. 
 
 " Ha ! ha !" said Tippleton, continuing to fiddle. 
 
 The speckilation s got the grippe," added Dout. 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 179 
 
 It was nearly morning when a pair of horses, with 
 the fragments of a sleigh knocking about their heels, 
 dashed wildly into Millet s stable yard. They were the 
 ponies which had drawn Tippleton Tipps and his cohort J 
 but where were those worthy individuals ? At the 
 corner of a street, where the snow and water had formed 
 a delusive compound as unstable as the Goodwin sands, 
 lay Tippleton half " smothered in cream" ice cream, 
 while " his lovely companions" were strewed along the 
 wayside at various intervals, according to the tenacity of 
 their grasp. 
 
 11 The tea party s spilt," said Dicky Dout, as he went 
 feeling among the snow with a fragment of the wreck, 
 and at length forked up Tippleton, as if he were a dump 
 ling in a bowl of soup. 
 
 The tableau was striking. The tender-hearted Dout 
 sat upon the curbstone with Tippleton s head upon his 
 knee, trying to rub a little life into him. It was a second 
 edition of Marmion and Clara de Clare at Flodden field, 
 the Lord of Fontenaye and Tippleton Tipps both being 
 at the climax of their respective catastrophes. 
 
 " Ah !" said Dout, heaving a deep sigh as he rubbed 
 away at his patient s forehead, as if it were a boot to 
 clean, " this night has been the ruination of us all 
 we re smashed up small and sifted through. Here lies 
 Mr. Tipps in a predicary and me and the whole on em 
 is little better nor a flock of gone goslings. It s man s 
 natur , I believe, and we can t help it no how. As fur me, 
 I wish I was a pig there s some sense in being a pig 
 wot s fat; pigs don t have to speckilate and bust pigs 
 never go a sleighing, quarrel with their daddies-in-law 
 wot was to be, get into sprees, and make tarnal fools of 
 themselves. Pigs is decent behaved people and good 
 citizens, though they ain t got no wote. And then they 
 
180 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 haven t got no clothes to put on of cold mornings when 
 they get up ; they don t have to be darnin and patchin 
 their old pants ; they don t wear no old hats on their 
 heads, nor have to ask people for em cold wittles is 
 plenty for pigs. My eyes ! if I was a jolly fat pig 
 belonging to respectable people, it would be tantamount 
 to nothin with me who was president. Who ever see d 
 one pig a settin on a cold curbstone a rubbin another 
 pig s head wot got chucked out of a sleigh ? Pigs 
 has too much sense to go a ridin if so be as they can 
 help it. I wish I was one, and out of this scrape. 
 It s true," continued Dout thoughtfully, and pulling 
 Tippleton s nose till it cracked at the bridge-joint, " it s 
 true that pigs has their troubles like humans constables 
 ketches em, dogs bites em, and pigs is sometimes almost 
 as done-over suckers as men ; but pigs never runs their 
 own noses into scrapes, coaxin themselves to believe it s 
 fun, as we do. I never see a pig go the whole hog in 
 my life, sept upon rum cherries. I m thinkin Mr. 
 Tipps is defunct ; he sleeps as sound as if it was time to 
 get up to breakfast." 
 
 But Tipps slowly revived ; he rolled his glassy eye 
 wildly, the other being, as it were, "put up for exporta 
 tion," or "bunged" as they have it in the vernacular. 
 
 "Mister Tipps," said Dout, " do you know what s 
 the matter?" 
 
 "Fun s the matter, isn t it ?" gasped Tipps ; "I ve 
 been a sleighing, and we always do it so it s fun this 
 way but what s become of my other eye ? -Where s 
 stop I remember. The horses and sleigh were in a 
 hurry, and couldn t stay compliments to the folks, but 
 can t sit down." 
 
 " Your t other eye," replied Dout, " as fur as I can 
 see, is kivered up to keep ; the wire-edge is took con- 
 
A WHOLE-SOULED FELLOW. 181 
 
 siderable off your nose your coat is split as if somebody 
 wanted to make a pen of it, and your trousers is fractured." 
 
 " Well, I thought the curbstone was uncommonly cold. 
 What with being pitched out of the sleigh, and the grand 
 combat at the hotel, we ve had the whole-souled st time 
 knocked almost into a cocked hat. But if you don t 
 get thrashed, you haven t been a sleighing. What can 
 science do in a. room against chairs, pokers, shovels, and 
 tongs ? Swing it into em as pretty as you please, it s 
 ten to one if you re not quaited down stairs like clothes 
 to wash. Fun alive ! " 
 
 Here Tipplelon Tipps yelled defiance, and attempted 
 to show how fields were won or lost, as in his case; 
 but nature is a strict banker, and will not honour your 
 drafts when no funds are standing to your credit. 
 
 " Ah !" panted he, as he fell back into the arms of 
 Mr. Dout; " my frolic s over for once broke off with 
 Grimson, spent his money sleigh all in flinders, and I ll 
 have to get a doctor to hunt for my eye and put my nose 
 in splints. Ha ! ha ! there is no mistake in me always 
 come home from enjoying myself, sprawling on a shut 
 ter, as a gentleman should give me something to talk 
 about who s afraid ?" 
 
 Even Dout was surprised to hear such valiant words 
 from the drenched and pummelled mass before him ; and 
 as he stared, Tippleton mutteringly asked to be taken 
 home. 
 
 " I m a whole-souled fellow," whispered he faintly 
 " whole-souled and no mistake about the mat 
 terat all." 
 
 Assistance and " a shutter" being procured, Tippleton 
 
 Tipps was conveyed to his lodgings, where with a black 
 
 patch across his nose, a green shade over one eye, the 
 
 other being coloured purple, blue, and yellow halfway to 
 
 16 
 
182 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 the jaw, his upper lip in the condition of that of the man 
 "wot won the fight," his left arm in a sling, and his 
 right ankle sprained, sat Tippleton for at least a month, 
 the very impersonation, essence, and aroma of a " whole- 
 souled fellow." As soon, however, as he was in marching 
 order, he suddenly disappeared, or perhaps was exhaled, 
 like Romulus and other great men, holdly walking right 
 through his difficulties, and leaving them behind him in 
 a state of orphanage. 
 
 The last heard of Dout was his closing speech after 
 taking Tipps home on the night of the catastrophe. 
 
 " My speckilation has busted its biler. To my notion 
 this ere is a hard case. If I tries to mosey along through 
 the world without saying nothin to nobody, it won t do 
 livin* won t come of itself, like the man you owe 
 money to you are obligated to step and fetch it. If I 
 come fur to go fur to paddle my tub quietly down the 
 gutter of life without bumping agin the curbstone on one 
 side, I m sure to get aground on the other, or to be upsot 
 somehow. If I tries little speculations sich as boning 
 things, I m sartin to be cotch ; and if I goes pardeners, 
 as I did with Mr. Tipps, it won t do. Fips and levies 
 ain t as plenty as snowballs in this ere yearthly spear. 
 But talking of snowballs, I wish I was a nigger. Nobody 
 will buy a white man, but a stout nigger is worth the 
 slack of two or three hundred dollars. I hardly believe 
 myself there is so much money ; but they say so, and 
 if I could get a pot of blackin and some brushes, I d 
 give myself a coat, and go and hang myself up for sale 
 in the Jarsey Market, like a froze possum." 
 
 Dout walked gloomily away, and the story goes that 
 when this whole-souled fellow in humble life was finally 
 arrested as a vagrant, his last aspiration as he entered the 
 prison, was: "Oh! I wish I was a pig, cause they 
 ain t got to go to jail !" 
 
( 183 ) 
 
 GAMALIEL GAMBRIL; 
 
 OK, DOMESTIC UNEASINESS. 
 
 IT may be a truism, yet we cannot help recording it as 
 our deliberate opinion, that life is begirt with troubles. 
 The longer we live, the more we are convinced of the 
 fact solidly, sincerely convinced ; especially in cold 
 weather, when all evils are doubled, and great annoy 
 ances are reinforced by legions of petty vexations. The 
 happiest conditions of existence among which it is 
 usual to class matrimony are not without their alloy. 
 There is a principle of equity always at work, and, there 
 fore, where roses strew the path, thorns are sharpest 
 and most abundant. Were it otherwise, frail humanity 
 might at times forget its mortal nature as it is apt to do 
 when not roughly reminded of the fact and grow alto 
 gether too extensive for its nether integuments. 
 
 A stronger proof that " there s naught but care on 
 every hand," and that it is often nearest when least ex 
 pected, could not be found, than in the case of Gamaliel 
 Gambril the cobbler, an influential and well known resi 
 dent of Ringbone Alley, a section of the city wherein he 
 has "a voice potential, double as the Duke s." Gama 
 liel s Christmas gambols innocent as he deemed 
 them terminated in the revolt of his household, 
 a species of civil war which was the more distress 
 ing to him as it came like a cloud after sunshine, 
 
184 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 darker and more gloomy from the preceding light. It is 
 often thus with frail humanity. The keenest vision can 
 not penetrate the contracted circle of the present, and give 
 certain information of the future. Who, that sets forth 
 to run a rig, can tell in what that rig may end ? The 
 laughing child, unconscious of mishap, pursues the sport 
 ive butterfly and falls into a ditch ; and man, proud of 
 his whiskers, his experience, and his foresight, will yet 
 follow that phantom felicity until he gets into a scrape. 
 The highways and the byways of existence are filled 
 with man-traps and spring-guns, and happy he whose 
 activity is so great that he can dance among them -with 
 uninjured ankles, and escape scot-free. That faculty, 
 which to a man of a sportive turn of mind is more pre 
 cious than rubies, is denied to Gamaliel Gambril. When 
 convivially inclined, he is a Napoleon, whose every bat 
 tle-field is a Waterloo a Santa Anna, whose San Jacin- 
 tos are innumerable. 
 
 * * # * * x 
 
 It was past the noon of night, and the greater part of 
 those who had beds to go to, had retired to rest. Light 
 after light had ceased to flash from the windows, and 
 every house was in darkness, save where a faintly burning 
 candle in the attic told that Sambo or Dinah had just 
 finished labour, and was about enjoying the sweets of 
 repose, or where a fitful flashing through the fan light of 
 an entry door hinted at the fact that young Hopeful was 
 still abroad at his revels. It seemed that the whole city 
 and liberties were in bed, and the active imagination of 
 the solitary stroller through the streets could not avoid 
 painting the scene. He figured to himself the two hun 
 dred thousand human creatures who dw r ell within those 
 precincts, lying prone upon their couches couches varied 
 as their fortunes, and in attitudes more varied than either 
 
GAMALIEL GAMBRIL. 185 
 
 some, who are careless of making a figure in the world, 
 with their knees drawn up to their chins ; the haughty 
 and ostentatious stretched out to their full extent ; the am 
 bitious, the sleeping would-be Caesars, spread abroad like 
 the eagle on a sign, or a chicken split for the gridiron, 
 each hand and each foot reaching toward a different point 
 of the compass ; the timid rolled up into little balls, with 
 their noses just peeping from under the clothes ; and the 
 valiant with clenched fists and bosoms bare for charac 
 ter manifests itself by outward signs, both in our sleeping 
 and in our waking moments ; and if the imagination of the 
 speculative watcher has ears as well as eyes, the varied 
 music which proceeds from these two hundred thousand 
 somnolent bodies will vibrate upon his tympanum the 
 dulcet flute-like snoring which melodiously exhales from 
 the Phidian nose of the sleeping beauty; the querulous 
 whining of the nervous papa ; the warlike startling snort 
 of mature manhood, ringing like a trumpet call, and rat 
 tling the window glass with vigorous fury ; the whistling, 
 squeaking, and grunting of the eccentric ; and, in fine, all 
 the diversified sounds with which our race choose to ac 
 company their sacrifices to Morpheus. 
 
 But though so many were in bed, there were some 
 who should have been in bed who were not there. On 
 this very identical occasion, when calmness seemed to 
 rule the hour, the usually quiet precincts of Ringbone 
 Alley were suddenly disturbed by a tremendous clatter. 
 But loud as it was, the noise for a time continued un 
 heeded. The inhabitants of that locality who are excel 
 lent and prudent citizens, and always, while they give 
 their arms and legs a holiday, impose additional labour 
 upon their -digestive organs worn out by the festivities 
 of the season, and somewhat oppressed with a feverish 
 head-ache, the consequence thereof, were generally 
 16* 
 
186 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 asleep ; and, with no disposition to flatter, or to assume 
 more for them than they are entitled to, it must be con 
 ceded that the Ringboners, when they tie up their heads 
 and take oft their coats to it, are capital sleepers none 
 better. They own no relationship to those lazy, aristo 
 cratic dozers, who seem to despise the wholesome em 
 ployment of slumbering, and, instead of devoting their 
 energies to the task, amuee themselves with counting the 
 clock, and with idly listening to every cry of fire who 
 are afraid to trust themselves unreservedly to the night, 
 and are so suspicious of its dusky face, and so doubtful 
 of the fidelity of the " sentinel stars," as to watch both 
 night and stars. Unlike this nervous race, the Ring- 
 boners have in general nothing to tell when they assem 
 ble round the breakfast table. They eat heartily, and 
 grumble not about the badness of their rest ; for their 
 rest has no bad to it. They neither hear the shutters slam 
 in the night, nor are they disturbed by mysterious knock- 
 ings about three in the morning. They do not, to make 
 others ashamed of their honest torpidity, ask, " Where 
 was the fire ?" and look astonished that no one heard 
 the alarm. On the contrary, when they couch them 
 selves, they are only wide enough awake to see the 
 candle out of the corner of one eye, and nothing is audi 
 ble to them between the puff which extinguishes the 
 light and the call to labour at the dawn. When their 
 heads touch the pillow, their optics are closed and their 
 mouths are opened. Each proboscis sounds the charge 
 into the land of Nod, and like Eastern monarchs, they 
 slumber to slow music, Ringbone Alley being vocal with 
 one tremendous snore. 
 
 No wonder that such a praiseworthy people, so cir 
 cumstanced, should not be easily awakened by the noise 
 before alluded to. But the disturbance grew louder; the 
 
GAMALIEL GAMBRIL. 187 
 
 little dogs frisked and barked ; the big dogs yawned and 
 bayed ; the monopolizing cats, who like nobody s noise 
 but their own, whisked their tails and flew through the 
 cellar windows in dismay. The alley, which, like 
 Othello, can stand most things unmoved, was at last 
 waking up, and not a few night-capped heads projected 
 like whitewashed artillery through the embrasures of 
 the upper casements, dolefully and yawnfully " vanting 
 to know vot vos the row ?" 
 
 The opening of Gamaliel Gambril s front door an 
 swered the question. He and his good lady were earn 
 estly discussing some problem of domestic economy 
 some knotty point as to the reserved rights of parties to 
 the matrimonial compact. It soon, however, became 
 evident that the husband s reasoning, if not perfectly con 
 vincing, was too formidable and weighty to be resisted. 
 Swift as the flash, Madam Gambri-1 dashed out of the 
 door, while Gamaliel, like " panting time, toiled after her 
 in vain," flourishing a strap in one hand and a broom in 
 the other. Though the night was foggy, it was clear 
 that something unusual was the matter with Gamaliel. 
 His intellectual superstructure had, by certain unknown 
 means, become too heavy for his physical framework. 
 Mind was triumphing over matter, and, as was to be ex 
 pected, matter proving weak, the immortal mind had 
 many tumbles ; but still, rolling, tumbling, and stum 
 bling;, Gamaliel, like Alpheus, pursued his Arethusa; not 
 until the flying fair was metamorphosed into a magic 
 stream, but until he pitched into an urban water-course 
 of a less poetic nature, which checked his race, while its 
 waves soothed and measurably tranquillized his nervous 
 system. At the catastrophe, Mrs. Gambril ceased her 
 flight, but after the manner of the Cossacks of the Don, 
 
188 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 or the Mahratta cavalry, kept circling round the enemy- 
 out of striking distance, yet within hail. 
 
 ** Gammy Gambril," said she, appealing to the argu- 
 mentum ad hominem, in reply to that ad baculum from 
 which she fled" Gammy, you re a mere warmunt a 
 pitiful warmunt ; leave me no money not at home these 
 two days and nights, and still no money ! now you are 
 come, what do you fetch ? a tipsy cobbler ! Hot corn is 
 good for something, and so is corned beef; but I d like 
 to know what s the use of a corned cobbler ?" 
 
 " Corneycopey for ever ! It s merry Christmas and 
 happy New Year, old woman !" said Gambril, raising 
 himself with great difficulty to a sitting posture ; " and 
 I ll larrup you like ten thousand, if you ll only come a 
 little nearer. Ask for money on a Christmas ! it s too 
 aggrawatin ! it s past endurin ! I m bin jolly myself 
 I m jolly now, and if you ain t jolly, come a little nearer 
 and [flourishing the strap~\ I ll make you jolly. * 
 
 Much conversation of a similar tenor passed between 
 the parties ; but as the argument continued the same, no 
 new ideas were elicited, until Montezuma Dawkins, a 
 near neighbour, and a man of a rather nervous tempera 
 ment the consequence perhaps of being a bachelor 
 stepped out to put an end to the noise, which interfered 
 materially with his repose. 
 
 " Go home, Mrs. Gambril," said Montezuma Daw- 
 kins soothingly ; and as she obeyed, he turned to Mr. 
 Gambril, and remarked in a severe tone, " This ere s 
 too bad, Gammy right isn t often done in the world ; 
 but if you had your rights, you d be between the finger 
 and thumb of justice just like a pinch of snuff you d 
 be took." 
 
 Montezuma Dawkins prided himself on his legal 
 
GAMALIEL UAMBR1L. 189 
 
 knowledge, for he had made the fires in a magistrate s 
 office during a whole winter, and consequently was well 
 qualified to lecture his neighbours upon their errors in 
 practice. 
 
 " Nonsense," replied Gammy " me took when it s 
 Christmas ! well I never ! did any body ever ? I m 
 be switch d " 
 
 " No swearing. This ere is a connubibal case con- 
 nubibalities in the street; and the law is as straight as a 
 loon s leg on that pint. You don t understand the law, 
 I s pose ? Well, after you re growed up, and your real 
 poppy-^ or your pa, as the people in Chestnut street 
 would call him- can t keep you straight, because you 
 can lick him, which is what they mean by being of age, 
 then the law becomes your poppy, because it isn t so 
 easy to lick the law. The law, then, allows you a wife ; 
 but the law allows it in moderation, like any thing else. 
 Walloping her is one of the little fondlings of the con 
 nubibal state ; but if it isn t done within doors, and with 
 out a noise, like taking a drop too much, why then it 
 ain t moderation, and the law steps in to stop intempe 
 rate amusements. Why don t you buy & digestion of 
 the laws, so as to know what s right and what s wrong ? 
 It s all sot down." 
 
 "The law s a fool, and. this isn t the first time I ve 
 thought so by a long shot. If it wasn t for the law, 
 and for being married, a man might get along well 
 enough. But now, first your wife aggrawates you, and 
 then the law aggrawates you. I m in a state of aggr^- 
 wation." 
 
 " That all comes from your not knowing law them 
 that don t know it get aggrawated by it, but them that does 
 know it only aggrawates other people. But you ignorant- 
 ramusses are always in trouble, specially if you re 
 
190 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 married. What made you get married if you don t 
 like it ?" 
 
 " Why, I was deluded into it fairly deluded. I had 
 nothing to do of evenings, so I went a courting. Now, 
 courting s fun enough I haven t got a word to say agin 
 courting. It s about as good a way of killing an evening 
 as I know of. Wash your face, put on a clean dicky, 
 and go and talk as sweet as nugey or molasses candy 
 for an hour or two to say nothing of a few kisses be 
 hind the door, as your sweetheart goes to the step with 
 you. The fact is, I ve quite a taste and a genus for court 
 ing it s all sunshine, and no clouds." 
 
 " Well, if you like it so, why didn t you stick to it ; it s 
 easy enough ; court all the time, like two pretty people 
 in a pickter." 
 
 " Not so easy as you think for; they won t let a body 
 court all the time that s exactly where the mischief lies. 
 If you say A, they ll make you say B. The young uns 
 may stand it because they re bashful sometimes, but the 
 old ladies always interfere, and make you walk right 
 straight up to the chalk, whether or no. Marry or cut stick 
 you mustn t stand in other people s moonshine. That s 
 the way they talked to me, and druv me right into my 
 own moonshine. They said marrying was fun ! pooty 
 fun to be sure !" 
 
 " Well, Gammy, I see clear enough you re in a 
 scrape ; but it s a scrape accordin to law, and so you 
 can t help your sad sitivation. You must make the best 
 of it. Better go home and pacify the old lady larrupings 
 don t do any good as I see they re not wholesome food 
 for anybody except bosses and young children" and 
 Montezuma yawned drearily as if anxious to terminate 
 the colloquy. 
 
 " The fact is, Montey to tell you a secret I ve a 
 
GAMALIEL GAMBRIL. 191 
 
 great mind to walk off. I hate domestic uneasiness, and 
 there s more of that at my house than there is of eatables 
 and drinkables by a good deal. I should like to leave it 
 behind me. A man doesn t want much when he gets 
 experience and comes to look at things properly he 
 learns that the vally of wives and other extras is tanta 
 mount to nothing it s only essentials he cares about. 
 Now I m as hungry as a poor box, and as thirsty as a cart 
 load of sand not for water, though ; that s said to be 
 good for navigation and internal improvements, but it 
 always hurts my wholesome, and I m principled against 
 using the raw material it s bad for trade. I can t go 
 home, even if there was any use in it; and so I believe 
 I ll emigrate I ll be a sort of pinioneer, and fly away." 
 
 ** It can t be allowed, Gammy Gambril. If you try it 
 and don t get off clear, the law will have you as sure as 
 a gun for this ere is one of them are pints of law what 
 grabs hold of you strait them husbands as cut stick 
 must be made examples on. If they wasn t, all the he- 
 biddies in town would be cuttiug stick. To allow such 
 cuttings up and such goings on is taking the mortar out 
 of society and letting the bricks tumble down. Indivi 
 duals must sometimes keep in an uneasy posture, for the 
 good of the rest of the people. The world s like a flock 
 of sheep, and if one runs crooked all the rest will be sure 
 to do the same." 
 
 Gamaliel elevated his eyebrows and shrugged his 
 shoulders in contempt at the application of the abstract 
 principle to his individual case, and then reverted to his 
 original train of thought. After rising to his feet, he 
 turned his eyes upward and struck a classical attitude. 
 
 "Marrying fun!" ejaculated he "yes, pooty fun! 
 very pooty !" 
 
 * Keep a goin ahead," said Montezuma Dawkins, 
 
192 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 .poking him with a stick, "talk as you go, and let s hear 
 the rights of it." 
 
 " When I was a single man, the world wagged along 
 well enough. It was jistlike an omnibus : I was a passen 
 ger, paid my levy, and hadn t nothing more to do with it 
 but sit down and not care a button for any thing. S posing 
 the omnibus got upsot well, I walks off, and leaves the 
 man to pick up the pieces. But then I must take a wife 
 and be hanged to me. It s all very well for a while ; 
 but afterwards, it s plaguy like owning an upsot omni 
 bus." 
 
 " Nan?" queried Montezuma " What s all that about 
 omnibusses ?" 
 
 11 What did I get by it ?" continued Gamaliel, regard 
 less of the interruption. " How much fun ? why a jaw 
 ing old woman and three squallers. Mighty different 
 from courting that is. What s the fun of buying things 
 to eat and things to wear for them, and wasting good 
 spreeing money on such nonsense for other people ? And 
 then, as for doing what^ou like, there s no such thing. 
 You can t clear out when people s owing you so much 
 money you can t stay convenient. No the nabbers must 
 have you. You can t go on a -spree ; for when you come 
 home, missus kicks up the devil s delight. You can t 
 teach her better manners for constables are as thick as 
 blackberries. In short, you can t do nothing. Instead of 
 * Yes, my duck, and No, my dear, As you please, 
 honey,* and * When you like, lovey, like it was in court 
 ing times, it s a riglar row at all hours. Sour looks and 
 cold potatoes ; children and table-cloths bad off for soap 
 always darning and mending, and nothing ever darned 
 and mended. If it wasn t that I m partickelarly sober, 
 I d be inclined to drink it s excuse enough. It s heart 
 breaking, and it s all owing to that I ve such a pain in 
 
GAMALIEL GAMBRIL. 193 
 
 my gizzard of mornings. I m so miserable I must stop 
 and sit on the steps." 
 
 " What s the matter now ?" 
 
 "I m getting aggrawated. My wife s a savin critter 
 a sword of sharpness she cuts the throat of my felicity, 
 stabs my happiness, chops up my comforts, and snips up 
 all my Sunday-go-to-meetings to make jackets for the 
 boys she gives all the wittels to the children, to make 
 me spry and jump about like a lamp-lighter I can t 
 stand it my troubles is overpowering when I come to 
 add em up." 
 
 44 Oh, nonsense ! behave nice^-don t make a noise 
 in the street be a man." 
 
 " How can I be a man, when I belong to somebody 
 else ? My hours ain t my own my money ain t my 
 own I belong to four people besides myself the old 
 woman and them three children. I m a partnership con 
 cern, and so many has got their fingers in the till that I 
 must bust up. I ll break, and sign over the stock in 
 trade to you." 
 
 Montezuma, however, declined being the assignee in 
 the case of the house of Gambril, and finally succeeded 
 in prevailing upon him to abandon, at least for the pre 
 sent, his design of becoming a " pinioneer," and to return 
 to his home. But before Gambril closed the door, he 
 popped out his head, and cried aloud to his retiring friend, 
 
 " I say, Montezuma Dawkins ! before you go if 
 you know anybody that wants a family complete to 
 their hands, warranted to scold as loud and as long as 
 any, I ll sell cheap. I won t run away just yet, but I 
 want cash, for I ll have another jollification a New Year s 
 Eve, if I had as many families as I ve got fingers and 
 toes !" 
 
 17 
 
194 ) 
 
 THE CROOKED DISCIPLE 
 
 OR, THE PRIDE OF MUSCLE. 
 
 NATURE too frequently forgets to infuse the sympathies 
 into the composition of the human race, and hence the 
 world is afflicted with a flood of evils. Imperfect as 
 mankind may be in a physical point of view, their moral 
 defects are immeasurably greater, and these chiefly flow 
 from the dearth of sympathy. Social offences, as well 
 as crimes, are in general born from this cause, and the 
 sins of humanity are to be charged upon selfishness, the 
 weed that chokes all wholesome plants in the garden of 
 the heart, and exhausts the soil. It manifests itself in a 
 variety of ways. In one instance, being combined with 
 other essentials, it makes a mighty conqueror ; in another, 
 a petty larcenist ; one man beats his wife and sots at an 
 alehouse ; another sets the world in a blaze, and dying, 
 becomes the idol of posterity ; all from the same cause 
 a mind concentred on itself. 
 
 The forms which govern society were intended to 
 counteract the aforesaid neglect of dame nature, and to 
 keep selfishness in check ; it having been early dis 
 covered that if every one put his fingers in the dish at 
 once, a strong chance existed that the contents thereof 
 would be spilt, and all would be compelled to go home 
 hungry. It was equally clear that if each individual 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 105 
 
 tucked up his coat tails, and endeavoured to monopolize 
 the fire, the whole company would be likely to catch 
 cold. The canon was therefore issued that " after you* 
 should be " manners ;" and that, however anxious one 
 may be to get the biggest piece, he should not obey the 
 promptings of nature by making a direct grab ; but rather 
 effect his object by indirect management such as placing 
 the desired morsel nearest himself, and then handing the 
 plate a species of hocus pocus, which puts the rest of 
 the company in the vocative, and enables the skill of 
 civilization quietly to effect that which in earlier times 
 could only be accomplished by superior force, and at the 
 hazard of upsetting the table. If sympathy were the 
 growth of every mind, politeness and deference would be 
 spontaneous ; but as it is not, a substitute a sort of 
 wooden leg for the natural one was invented, and hence 
 " dancing and manners" are a part of refined education. 
 Wine glasses are placed near the decanter, and tumblers 
 near the pitcher, that inclination may receive a broad hint, 
 and that the natural man may not rob the rest of the 
 company of their share of comfort, by catching up and 
 draining the vessels at a draught. Chairs stand near the 
 dinner table to intimate that, however hungry one may 
 be, it is not the thing to jump upon the board, and, 
 clutching the whole pig, to gnaw r it as a school-boy does 
 an apple ; while plates, with their attendant knives and 
 forks, show that each one must be content with a portion, 
 and use his pickers and stealers as little as possible. To 
 get along smoothly, it was also ordained that we must smile 
 when it would be more natural to tumble the intruder 
 out of the window ; and that no matter how tired we may 
 be, w r e must not, when another is about taking our seat, 
 pull it from under him, and allow him to bump on the 
 floor. 
 
196 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 Although education has done much to supply deficien 
 cies, and to make mock sympathy out of calves heads 
 when the real article is not to be found, yet education, 
 potent as it is, cannot do all things. " Crooked disciples" 
 will exist from time to time, and to prove it, let the story 
 be told of 
 
 JACOB GRIGSBY. 
 
 Of crooked disciples, Jacob Grigsby is the crookedest. 
 His disposition is twisted like a ram s horn, and none 
 can tell in what direction will be the next turn. He is 
 an independent abstraction one of that class, who do 
 not seem aware that any feelings are to be consulted but 
 their own, and who take the last bit, as if unconscious 
 that it is consecrated to that useful divinity "manners ;" 
 lads, who always run in first when the bell rings, and 
 cannot get their boots off when any body tumbles over 
 board ; who, when compelled to share their bed with 
 another, lie in that engrossing posture called " catty- 
 cornered," and when obliged to rise early, whistle, sing 
 and dance, that none may enjoy the slumbers denied to 
 them ; in short, he strongly resembles that engaging 
 species of the human kind, who think it creditable to 
 talk loud at theatres and concerts, and to encore songs 
 and concertos which nobody else wants to hear. Grigs 
 by was born with the idea that the rest of the world, 
 animate or inanimate, was constructed simply for his 
 special amusement, and that if it did not answer the pur 
 pose, it was his indefeasible right to declare war against 
 the offender. When a boy, he was known as a " real 
 limb" of what tree it is unnecessary to specify. He 
 was an adept in placing musk melon rinds on the pave 
 ment for the accommodation of those elderly gentlemen 
 whose skating days were over, and many a staid matron 
 received her most impressive lessons in ground and lofty 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 197 
 
 tumbling, by the aid of cords which he had stretched 
 across the way. Every child in the neighbourhood 
 learnt to " see London" through his telescope, and he 
 was famous for teaching youngsters to write hog Latin 
 by jerking pens full of ink through their lips. At school 
 he was remarkable for his science in crooking pins, and 
 placing them on the seats of the unsuspicious, and ever 
 since he has continued to be a thorn in the side of those 
 who are unlucky enough to come in contact with him. 
 
 Grigsby has now grown to man s estate a small pro 
 perty in most instances, and in his it must be simply the 
 interest of his whiskers, which extend some inches be 
 yond his nose and chin he having nothing else clear 
 of embarrassment. He is said to be more of a limb than 
 ever, his unaccommodating spirit having increased with 
 his trunk. The good qualities which were to appear in 
 him are yet in the soil, no sprouts having manifested 
 themselves. He is savagely jocular in general, and jo 
 cosely quarrelsome in his cups in particular. He stands 
 like a bramble in life s highway, and scratches the cuticle 
 from all that passes. 
 
 This amiable individual is particularly fond of culti 
 vating his physical energies, and one of his chief delights 
 is in the display of his well practised powers. He some 
 times awakens a friend from a day dream, by a slap on 
 the shoulder "which might be taken for the blow of a can 
 non ball. His salutation is accompanied by a grasp of 
 your hand, so vigorously given that you are painfully 
 reminded of his affectionate disposition and the strength 
 of his friendship for a week afterwards ; and he smiles to 
 see his victims writhe under a clutch which bears no 
 little resemblance in its pressure to the tender embrace 
 of a smith s vice. To this Herculean quality Grigsby 
 always recurs with satisfaction, and indeed it must be 
 17* 
 
198 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 confessed that superiority, either real or imagined, is a 
 great source of pleasure in this mundane sphere. There 
 are few who do not derive satisfaction from believing 
 that, in some respect, they are more worthy than their 
 neighbours and self-love, if the truth were known, per 
 forms many curious operations to enable its possessor to 
 enjoy the delight of thinking that there are points in 
 which he is unsurpassed. Should his countenance be 
 of the most unprepossessing cast, he gazes in the mirror 
 until convinced that whatever is lost in beauty, is gained 
 in expression. Should he have a temperas rash and un 
 reasonable as the whirlwind, it is to him but a proof of 
 superior susceptibility and of an energetic will ; if thin, 
 he is satisfied that he possesses a free unencumbered 
 spirit ; and if nature has provided him with a super 
 abundance of flesh, he comforts himself with the idea of 
 an imposing aspect, and of being able, physically at least, 
 to make a figure in the world. The melancholy man, 
 instead of charging his nervous system with treachery, 
 or his stomach with disaffection, finds a stream of sun 
 shine in his gloom, from the impression that it is left to 
 him alone to see reality divested of its deceptive hues 
 and smiles sourly on the merry soul who bears it as if 
 existence were a perpetual feast, and as if he were a but 
 terfly upon an ever-blooming prairie. 
 
 The pride of art likewise comes in as a branch of this 
 scheme of universal comfort. The soldier and the poli 
 tician rejoice in their superior skill in tactics and strate 
 gic and even if foiled, charge the result upon circum 
 stances beyond their control ; while even the scavenger 
 plumes himself upon the superior skill and accuracy with 
 which he can execute the fancy work of sweeping round 
 a post : but none feel the pride of which we speak more 
 strongly than those who are addicted to the practice of 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 199 
 
 gymnastics. They have it in every muscle of their 
 frames ; their very coats are buttoned tight across the 
 breast to express it ; and it is exhibited on every possible 
 occasion. In their dwellings, wo upon the tables and 
 chairs and they cannot see a pair of parallels or cross 
 bars without experimenting upon them. 
 
 At a period when Grigsby was in the full flush of his 
 gymnastic powers, he returned from a supper late at 
 night, with several companions. After Grigsby had 
 created much polite amusement by torturing several dogs 
 and sundry pigs, they attempted a serenade, but they 
 were not in voice ; and after trying a cotillion and a ga- 
 lopade in front of the State House, \vhich were not quite 
 so well executed as might have been desired, they sepa 
 rated, each to his home if he could get there. Grigsby 
 strolled along humming a tune, until his eye happen 
 ed to be greeted by the welcome sight of an awning-post. 
 He stopped, and regarded it for a long time with critical 
 gravity. 
 
 " This w T ill answer famously," said he. " Tom brags 
 that he can beat me with his arms ; but I don t believe 
 it. Any how, his legs are no great shakes. There s no 
 more muscle in them than there is in an unstarched shirt 
 collar ; and I don t believe, if he \vas to practise for ten 
 years, he could hang by his toes, swing up and catch 
 hold. No, that he couldn t ; I m the boy, and I ll exer 
 cise at it." 
 
 tt is however much easier to resolve than to execute. 
 Mr. Grigsby found it impossible to place himself in the 
 requisite antipodean posture. 
 
 " Why, what the deuse is the matter ? All the supper 
 must have settled down in my toes, for my boots feel 
 heavier than fifty-sixes. My feet are completely obfus 
 cated, while my head is as clear as a bell. But never 
 
200 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 despair is the motto here s at it once more," continued 
 he, making another desperate but ineffectual effort. 
 
 An individual with a white hat and with his hands 
 deeply immersed in the pockets of his shooting jacket, 
 now advanced from the tree against which he had been 
 leaning, while chuckling at the doings of Mr. Grigsby. 
 
 " Hay, whiskers, what s the fun in doing that, parti 
 cularly when you can t do it?" said he. 
 
 " Can you hang by your toes, stranger ? Because if 
 you can, you ll beat Tom, in spite of his bragging." 
 
 " I don t believe I can. The fact is, I always try to 
 keep this side up with care. I never could see the use of 
 shaking a man up like a bottle of physic. I can mix my 
 self to my own taste without that." 
 
 " You ve no taste for the fine arts, whatever you may 
 have for yourself. Gymnastics stir up the sugar of a 
 man s constitution, and neutralize the acids. Without 
 em, he s no better than a bottle of pepper vinegar 
 nothing but sour punch." 
 
 " Very likely, but I ll have neither hand nor foot in 
 hanging to an awning-post. If it was like the brewer s 
 horse in Old Grimes, and you could drink up all the beer 
 by turning your head where your feet should be, perhaps 
 I might talk to you about it." 
 
 Grigsby, however, by dint of expatiating on the bene 
 ficial tendency of gymnastics, at last prevailed upon the 
 stranger to make the attempt. 
 
 " Now," said he, "let me bowse you up, and if you 
 can hang by your toes, I ll treat handsome." 
 
 " Well, I don t care if I do," replied the stranger 
 with a grin, as he grasped the cross-bar " hoist my 
 heels and look sharp." 
 
 Jacob chuckled as he took the stranger by the boots, 
 intending to give him a fall if possible, and to thrash him 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 201 
 
 if he grumbled ; but the victim s hold was insecure, and 
 he tumbled heavily upon his assistant, both rolling on the 
 bricks together. 
 
 " Fire and tow !" ejaculated Grigsby. 
 
 " Now we re mixed nicely," grunted the stranger, as 
 he scrambled about. " If any man gets more legs and 
 arms than belong to him, they re mine. Hand over the 
 odd ones, and let s have a complete set." 
 
 This will never do," said Grigsbv, after they had 
 regained their feet, and still intent on his design. "It 
 will never do in the world you re so confoundedly 
 awkward. Come, have at it again ; once more and the 
 last." 
 
 " Young people," interposed a passing official, " if 
 you keep a cutting didoes, I must talk to you both like 
 a Dutch uncle. Each of you must disperse ; I can t allow 
 no insurrection about the premises. If you ain t got no 
 dead-latch key, and the nigger won t set up, why I ll 
 take you to the corporation free-and-easy, and lock you 
 up till daylight, and we ll fetch a walk after breakfast 
 to converse with his honour on matters and things in 
 general." 
 
 " Very well," answered Grigsby "but now you ve 
 made your speech, do you think you could hang by your 
 toes to that post?" 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh ! don t be redikalis. When matters is 
 solemn, treat em solemn." 
 
 " Why, I ain t redikalis we re at work on science. 
 I m pretty well scienced myself, and I want to get 
 more so." 
 
 " Instead of talking, you d better paddle up street like 
 a white-head. Go home to sleep like your crony see 
 how he shins it." 
 
 " I will," said Grigsbv, who likes a joke occasionally, 
 
20$ CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 and is very good humoured when it is not safe to be 
 otherwise " I will, if you ll tell me what s the use. In 
 the first place, home s a fool to this and as for sleeping, 
 it s neither useful nor ornamental." 
 
 " Do go, that s a good boy I don t want to chaw you 
 right up, but I must if you stay." 
 
 "I snore when I m asleep and when I do, Tom 
 puts his foot out of bed till it s cold, and then claps it to 
 my back. He calls it firing me off o"n the cold pressure 
 principle." 
 
 " What a cruel Tom ! But why don t you keep your 
 mouth shut ? You should never wear it open when you re 
 asleep." 
 
 " If I did, my dreams would get smothered. Besides, 
 I like to look down my throat, to see what I m thinking 
 about." 
 
 " Don t quiz me, young man. Some things is easy to 
 put up with, and some things isn t easy to put up with; 
 and quizzing a dignittery is one of the last. If there is 
 any thing I stands upon, it s dignitty." 
 
 " Dignitty made of pipe-stems, isn t it ?" 
 
 " My legs is pretty legs. They ain t so expressive as 
 some what s made coarser and cheaper; but they re slim 
 and genteel. But legs are neither here nor there. You 
 must go home, sonny, or go with me." 
 
 " Well, as I m rather select in my associations, and 
 never did admire sleeping thicker than six in abed at the 
 outside, I ll go home, put a woollen stocking on Tom s 
 foot, and take a pint of sleep : I never try more, for my 
 constitution won t stand it. But to-morrow I ll swing by 
 my toes, I promise you." 
 
 " Go, then. Less palaver and more tortle." 
 
 " Tortelons nous good night ; I m off to my lit" 
 
 The censor morum wrapping himself in his conse- 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 203 
 
 quence, paused, looked grave until Grigsby turned the 
 corner, and then, relaxing his dignitfy, laughed creak- 
 ingly, like a rusty door. 
 
 " Hee ! hee ! hee ! that s a real fine feller. He s too 
 good for his own good makes something of a fuss every 
 night always funny or fighting, and never pays his debts. 
 Hee ! hee ! hee ! a real gentleman gives me half a dol 
 lar a New Year s a real past two o clock and a cloudy 
 morning ! sort of a gentleman, and encourages our busi 
 ness like an emperor, only I haven t got the heart to take 
 advantage of it." 
 
 ***** 
 
 Jacob Grigsby moved homeward, his temper souring as 
 he proceeded and as the pleasant excitement of the even 
 ing began to wear off. Some people, by the way, are 
 always good humoured abroad, and reserve their savage 
 traits for home consumption. Of this class is Grigsby. 
 
 Where he boards, the rule is to stow thick three in a 
 bed when the weather is warm, and, in the colder season, 
 by way of saving blankets, four in a bed is the rule. 
 Now, even three in a bed is by no means a pleasant 
 arrangement at the best, when the parties are docile in 
 their slumbers, and lie " spoon fashion," all facing the 
 same way, and it is terrible if one of the triad be of an 
 uneasy disposition. Grigsby s " pardeners," however, 
 are quiet lads, and there is an understanding among the 
 three that turn about shall be the law in regard to the 
 middle place, which therefore falls to his share every third 
 week one week in, and two weeks out the soft never 
 to be monopolized by any one individual, and nobody to 
 turn round more than once in the course of the night. 
 Grigsby is borne down by the majority ; but when it is his 
 week in, he is worse than the armed rhinoceros or the 
 Hyrcan tiger, so ferocious are his ebullitions of wrath. 
 
204 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 It happened to be his week " in," the thought whereof 
 moved his ire, and he ascended the stairs with the 
 energetic tread of an ox, set fire to the cat s tail with the 
 candle, and poked a long nine down Carlo s throat. 
 
 " Ha !" said Jacob, as he kicked open the door, sur 
 veyed his sleeping bedfellows, and flashed the light in 
 their eyes * mighty comfortable that, anyhow ; but I ll 
 soon spoil it, or I m not a true Grigsby." 
 
 He put out the light, and in full dress boots, hat, 
 great coat, body coat, and pantaloons muddy as he was, 
 scrambled over the bed two or three times, until he es 
 tablished himself in the central station between his co 
 mates. He rolled and he tossed, he kicked and he groaned, 
 until the whole concern were as wide awake as himself. 
 
 " Why, Jacob, you ve got your boots on," said they. 
 
 " The fact is, fellows, the cold in my head is getting 
 worse, and sleeping in boots draws down the inflamma 
 tion. It s a certain cure." 
 
 " But you don t intend sleeping with your hat on your 
 head, do you ?" 
 
 " Didn t I tell you I ve got holes in my stockings ? If 
 I don t keep my hat on, I ll be sure to have the rheuma 
 tism in my big toe." 
 
 " Well, we won t stand it, no how it can be fixed." 
 
 " Just as you like go somewhere else I ve no ob 
 jection. I m amazing comfortable." 
 
 " Why, thunder and fury !" said one, jerking up his 
 leg, "your boots are covered with mud." 
 
 " That arc a fact you ve no idea how muddy the 
 streets are I m all over mud I wish you d blow up the 
 corporation. But hang it, give us a fip s worth of sheet 
 and a levy s worth of blanket. That s the way I like 
 em mixed some lean and a good deal of fat." 
 
 So saying, Jacob wound himself up in the bed-clothes 
 
THE CROOKED DISCIPLE. 205 
 
 with a prodigious flounder, denuding his companions 
 entirely. 
 
 Grigsby s co-mates however, knowing that " who 
 would be free, themselves must strike the blow," declared 
 war against the manifold outrages of their oppressor, 
 and, notwithstanding his gymnastic powers, succeeded in 
 obtaining the mastery. Much enraged, they resolved 
 upon carrying him down stairs and placing him under 
 the hydrant as a punishment for his violations of the 
 social compact, and were proceeding to "put their de 
 termination in force, when Bobolink and the rest of the 
 boarders, alarmed at the noise, popped out of their cham 
 bers. 
 
 "What s the fraction vulgar or decimal ?" said Bobo 
 link. 
 
 "Vengeance!" panted Grigsby "revenge! I m in 
 sulted let me go !" 
 
 The cause of quarrel was explained all cried shame 
 upon Mr. Jacob Grigsby, and Mr. Bobolink constituted 
 himself judge on the occasion. 
 
 " They kicked me !" roared the prisoner. 
 
 " Yes," replied Bobolink, " but as they hadn t their 
 boots on, it wasn t downright Mayor s court assault and 
 battery only an insult with intent to hurt assault and 
 battery in the second degree a species of accidental 
 homicide. Perhaps you were going down stairs, and they 
 walked too quick after you toeing it swift, and most 
 walked into you. What was it for ?" 
 
 " Look ye," said Grigsby " it s very late yes, it s 
 nearly morning, and I didn t take time to fix myself for 
 a regular sleep, so I turned in like a trooper s horse, and 
 that s the whole matter." 
 
 " Like a trooper s horse how s that?" 
 
 " I ll explain," said one of the spectators " to turn 
 18 
 
206 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 in like a trooper s horse is to go to bed all standing, 
 ready for a sudden call parade order winter uniform 
 full dress a very good fashion when you ve been out to 
 supper convenient in case of fire, and saves a deal of 
 trouble in the morning when you re late for breakfast." 
 
 " Well, I never heard tell of the likes on the part of a 
 white man. They servedyou right, and my judgment is, 
 as you won t be quiet, that you be shut in the back-cellar 
 till breakfast time. I m not going to have any more row. 
 If you don t like it, you can appeal afterwards." 
 
 " Never heerd the likes !" said Jacob contemptu 
 ously ; " ain t abed a bed ain t my share of it, my share 
 of it ? and where s the law that lays down what sort of 
 clothes a man must sleep in ? I ll wear a porcupine jacket, 
 and sleep in it too, if I like yes, spurs, and a trumpet, 
 and a spanner." 
 
 " Put him in the cellar," was the reply, and in spite 
 of his struggles the sentence was laughingly enforced. 
 
 " Bobolink, let s out, or I ll burst the door let s out 
 I want vengeance !" 
 
 "Keep yourself easy you can t have any vengeance 
 till morning. Perhaps they ll wrap some in a bit of paper, 
 and keep it for you." 
 
 But in the morning Grigsby disappeared, and returned 
 no more. 
 
(207) 
 
 FYDGET FYXINGTON- 
 
 THE illustrious Pangloss, who taught the metaphy- 
 sico-theologo-cosmolo-nigology at the Westphalian cha 
 teau of the puissant Baron Thundertentronckh, held it 
 as a cardinal maxim of his philosophy, que tout est 
 au mieux ; that "it s all for the best." Pangloss 
 was therefore what is called an optimist, and discontent 
 to use the favourite word of the slang-whangers was 
 repudiated by him and his followers. This doctrine, 
 however, though cherished in the abstract, is but little 
 practised out of the domain of Thundertentronckh. The 
 world is much more addicted to its opposite. " All s for 
 the worst" is a very common motto, and under its influ 
 ence there are thousands who growl when they go to bed, 
 and growl still louder when they get up ; they growl at 
 their breakfast, they growl at their dinner, they growl at 
 their supper, and they growl between meals. Discontent 
 is written in every feature of their visage ; and they go 
 on from the beginning of life until its close, always growl 
 ing, in the hope of making things better by scaring them 
 into it with ugly noises. These be your passive grum- 
 bletonians. When the castle was on fire, Sir Abel Handy 
 stood wringing his hands, in expectation that the fire 
 would be civil enough to go out of itself. So is it with 
 the passive. He would utter divers maledictions upon 
 the heat, but would sit still to see if the flame could not 
 be scolded into going out of itself. 
 
208 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 The active grumbletonians, however, though equally 
 opposed in practice to the metaphysico-theologo-cos- 
 molo-nigology, are a very different race of mortals from 
 the passives. The world is largely indebted to them for 
 every comfort and convenience with which it abounds ; 
 and they laugh at the inquiry whether their exertions 
 have conduced to the general happiness, holding it that 
 happiness consists chiefly in exertion to which the pas 
 sives demur, as they look back with no little regret to 
 the lazy days of pastoral life, when Chaldean shepherds 
 lounged upon the grass. The actives are very much 
 inclined to believe that whatever is, is wrong ; but 
 then they have as an offset, the comfortable conviction 
 that they are able to set it right an opinion which fire 
 cannot melt out of them. These restless fellows are in 
 a vast majority ; and hence it is that the surface of this 
 earthly sphere is such a scene of activity ; hence it is that 
 for so many thousand years, the greater part of each 
 generation has been unceasingly employed in labour and 
 bustle ; rushing from place to place ; hammering, sawing, 
 and driving ; hewing down and piling up mountains ; and 
 vmappalled, meeting disease and death, both by sea and 
 land. To expedite the process of putting things to rights, 
 likewise, hence it is that whole hecatombs of men have 
 been slaughtered on the embattled field, and that the cord, 
 the fagot, and the steel have been in such frequent de 
 mand. Sections of the active grumbletonians sometimes 
 differ about the means of making the world a more com 
 fortable place, and time being short, the labour-saving 
 process is adopted. The weaker party is knocked on 
 the head. It saves an incalculable deal of argument, and 
 answers pretty nearly the same end. 
 
 But yet, though the world is many years old, and 
 the " fixing process" has been going on ever since it 
 
FYDGET FYXINGTON. 209 
 
 emerged from chaos, it seems that much remains undone, 
 with less time to do it in. The actives consequently 
 redouble their activity. They have called in the aid of 
 gunpowder and steam, and in this goodly nineteenth cen 
 tury are kicking up such a terrible dust, and are setting 
 things to rights at such a rate, that the passives have no 
 comfort of their lives. Where they herd in nations, as in 
 Mexico, the actives cluster on their borders and set things 
 to rights with the rifle ; and when they are solitary amid 
 the crowd, as among us, they are fretted to fiddlestrings, 
 like plodding shaft horses with unruly leaders. They are 
 environed with perils. In one quarter, hundreds of 
 stately mansions are brought thundering to the ground, 
 because the last generation put things to rights in the 
 wrong way, and in another quarter, thousands are going 
 up on the true principle. Between them both, the pas 
 sive is kept in a constant state of solicitude, and threads 
 his way through piles of rubbish, wearing his head askew 
 like a listening chicken, looking above with one eye, to 
 watch what may fall on him, and looking below with the 
 other, to see what he may fall upon. Should he travel, he is 
 placed in a patent exploding steamboat, warranted to boil 
 a gentleman cold in less than no time ; or he is tied to the 
 tail of a big steam kettle, termed a locomotive, which 
 goes sixty miles an hour horizontally, or if it should meet 
 impediment, a mile in half a second perpendicularly. 
 Should he die, as many do, of fixo-phobia, and seek peace 
 under the sod, the spirit of the age soon grasps the spade 
 and has him out to make way for improvement. 
 
 The passive grumbletonian is useless to himself and 
 to others : the active grumbletonian is just the reverse. 
 In general, he combines individual advancement with 
 public prosperity ; but there are exceptions even in that 
 class men, who try to take so much care of the world 
 
 18* 
 
210 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 that they forget themselves, and, of course, fail in their 
 intent. 
 
 Such a man is Fydget Fyxington, an amelioration- 
 of-the-human-race-by-starting-from-first-principles-philo- 
 sopher. Fydget s abstract principle, particularly in 
 matters of government and of morals, is doubtless a 
 sound rule ; but he looks so much at the beginning 
 that he rarely arrives at the end, and when he advances 
 at all, he marches backward, his face being directed to 
 ward the starting place instead of the goal. By this 
 means he may perhaps plough a straight furrow, but in 
 stead of curving round obstructions, he is very apt to be 
 thrown down by them. 
 
 Like most philosophers who entertain a creed opposed 
 to that of the illustrious Pangloss, Fydget may be fitly 
 designated as the fleshless one. He never knew the joy 
 of being fat, and is one of those who may console them 
 selves with the belief that the physical sharpness which 
 renders them a walking chevaux de frise, and as danger 
 ous to embrace as a porcupine, is but an outward emblem 
 of the acuteness of the mind. Should he be thrust in a 
 crowd against a sulky fellow better in flesh than himself, 
 who complains of the pointedness of his attentions, Fyd 
 get may reflect that even so do his reasoning faculties 
 bore into a subject. When gazing in a mirror, should 
 his eye be offended by the view of lantern jaws, and 
 channelled cheeks, and bones prematurely labouring to 
 escape from their cuticular tabernacle, he may easily 
 figure to himself the restless energy of his spirit, which 
 like a keen blade, weareth away the scabbard he may 
 look upon himself as an intellectual " cut and thrust" a 
 thinking chopper and stabber. But it may be doubted 
 whether Fydget ever reverts to considerations so purely 
 selfish, except when he finds that the "fine points" of 
 
FYDGET FVXINGTON. 211 
 
 his figure are decidedly injurious to wearing apparel and 
 
 tear his clothes. 
 
 # * * * -* * 
 
 "Winter ruled the hour when Fydget Fyxington was 
 last observed to be in circulation winter, when men 
 wear their hands in their pockets and seldom straighten 
 their backs a season however, which, though sharp and 
 biting in its temper, has redeeming traits. There is some 
 thing peculiarly exhilarating in the sight of new-fallen 
 snow. The storm which brings it is not without a charm. 
 The graceful eddying of the drifts sported with by the 
 wind, and the silent gliding of the feathejy flakes, as one 
 by one they settle upon the earth like fairy creatures 
 dropping to repose, have a soothing influence not easily 
 described, though doubtless felt by all. But when the 
 clouds, having performed their office, roll away, and the 
 brightness of the morning sun beams upon an expanse 
 of sparkling, unsullied whiteness ; when all that is com 
 mon-place, coarse, and unpleasant in aspect, is veiled for 
 the time, and made to wear a fresh and dazzling garb, 
 new animation is felt by the spirit. The young grow 
 riotous with joy, and their merry voices ring like bells 
 through the clear and bracing air ; while the remem 
 brance of earlier days gives a youthful impulse to the 
 aged heart. 
 
 But to all this there is a sad reverse. The resolution 
 of these enchantments into their original elements by 
 means of a thaw, is a necessary, but, it must be confessed, 
 a very doleful process, fruitful in gloom, rheum, inflam 
 mations, and fevers a process which gives additional 
 pangs to the melancholic, and causes valour s self to 
 droop like. unstarched muslin. The voices of the boys 
 are hushed ; the whizzing snow-ball astonishes the un 
 suspicious wayfarer no more ; the window glass is per- 
 
212 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 mitted to live its brief day, safe from an untimely frac 
 ture, and the dejected urchin sneaks moodily from school. 
 So changed is his nature, that he scarcely bestows a de 
 risive grin upon the forlorn sleigh, which ploughs its 
 course through mud and water, although its driver and 
 his passengers invite the jeer by making themselves small 
 to avoid it, and tempt a joke by oblique glances to see 
 whether it is coming. 
 
 Such a time was it when Fydget was extant a sloppy 
 time in January. The city,. it is true, was clothed in 
 snow ; but it was melancholy snow, rusty and forlorn 
 in aspect, and weeping, as if in sorrow that its original 
 purity had become soiled, stained, and spotted by contact 
 with the world. Its whiteness had in a measure disap 
 peared, by the pressure of human footsteps ; wheels and 
 runners had almost incorporated it with the common 
 earth ; and, where these had failed in effectually doing 
 the work, remorseless distributers of ashes, coal dust, 
 and potato peelings, had lent their aid to give uniformity 
 to the dingy hue. But the snow, " weeping its spirit 
 from its eyes," and its body too, was fast escaping from 
 these multiplied oppressions and contumelies. Large 
 and heavy drops splashed from the eaves ; sluggish streams 
 rolled lazily from the alleys, and the gutters and cross 
 ings formed vast shallow lakes, variegated by glaciers 
 and ice islands. They who roamed abroad at this un- 
 propitious time, could be heard approaching by the damp 
 sucking sound which emanated from their boots, as they 
 alternately pumped in and pumped out the water in their 
 progress, and it was thus that our hero travelled, having 
 no caoutchouc health-preservers to shield his pedals from 
 unwholesome contact. 
 
 The shades of evening were beginning to thicken, when 
 Fydget stopped shiveringly and looked through the glass 
 
FYDGET FYXINGTON. 213 
 
 door of a fashionable hotel the blazing fire and the 
 numerous lights, by the force of contrast, made an out 
 side seat still more uncomfortable. 
 
 The gong pealed out that tea was ready, and the 
 lodgers rushed from the stoves to comfort themselves 
 with that exhilarating fluid. 
 
 " There they go on first principles," said Fydget Fyx- 
 ington with a sigh. 
 
 " Cla de kitchen da ," said one of those ultra-aristo 
 cratic members of society, a neerro waiter, as he bustled 
 past the contemplative philosopher and entered the hotel 
 " you ought to be gwang home to suppa , ole soul, if 
 you got some yaugh waugh !" 
 
 " Suppa , you nigga !" contemptuously responded 
 Fydget, as the door closed " I wish I was gwang home 
 to suppa , but suppers are a sort of thing I remember a 
 good deal oftener than I see. Every thing is wrong 
 such a wandering from first principles ! there must be 
 enough in this world for us all, or we wouldn t be here ; 
 but things is fixed so badly that I s pose some greedy 
 rascal gets my share of suppa and other such elegant 
 luxuries. It s just the way of the world ; there s plenty 
 of shares of every thing, but somehow or other there are 
 folks that lay their fingers on two or three shares, and 
 sometimes more, according as they get a chance, and the 
 real owners, like me, may go whistle. They ve fixed it 
 so that if you go back to first principles and try to bone 
 what belongs to you, they pack you right off to jail, 
 cause you can t prove property. Empty stummicks and 
 old clothes ain t good evidence in court. 
 
 " What the deuse is to become of me ! Something 
 must and I wish it would be quick and hurra about it. 
 My clothes are getting to be too much of the summer- 
 house order for the winter fashions. People will soon 
 
214 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 see too much of me not that I care much about looks 
 myself, but boys is boys, and all boys is sassy. Since 
 the weather s been chilly, when I turn the corner to go 
 up town, I feel as if the house had too many windows 
 and doors, and I m almost blow d out of my coat and 
 pants. The fact is, I don t get enough to eat to serve for 
 ballast." 
 
 After a melancholy pause, Fydget, seeing the coast 
 tolerably clear, walked in to warm himself at the fire 
 in the bar-room, near which he stood with great com 
 posure, at the same time emptying several glasses of 
 comfortable compounds which had been left partly filled 
 by the lodgers when they hurried to their tea. Lighting a 
 cigar which he found half smoked upon the ledge of 
 the stove, he seated himself and puffed away much at his 
 ease. 
 
 The inmates of the hotel began to return to the room, 
 glancing suspiciously at Fydget s tattered integuments, 
 and drawing their chairs away from him as they sat 
 down near the stove. Fydget looked unconscious, emit 
 ting volumes of smoke, and knocking off the ashes with 
 a nonchalant and scientific air. 
 
 " Bad weather," said Brown 
 
 "I ve noticed that the weather is frequently bad in 
 winter, especially about the middle of it, and at both 
 ends," added Green. " I keep a memorandum book on 
 the subject, and can t be mistaken." 
 
 " It s raining now," said GriffmhofT " what s the use 
 of that when it s so wet under foot already ?" 
 
 "It very frequently rains at the close of a thaw, 
 and it s beneficial to the umbrella makers." responded 
 Green. 
 
 " Nothin s fixed no how," said Fydget with great 
 energy, for he was tired of listening. 
 
FYDGET FYXINGTON. 215 
 
 Brown, Green, Griffinhoff, and the rest started and 
 stared. 
 
 " Nothin s fixed no how," continued Fydget rejoicing 
 in the fact of having hearers " our grand-dads must a 
 been lazy rascals. Why didn t they roof over the side 
 walks, and not leave every thing for us to do ? I ain t got 
 no numbrell, and besides that, when it comes down as if 
 raining was no name for it, as it always does when I m 
 cotch d out, numbrells is no great shakes if you ve got 
 one with you, and no shakes at all if it s at home." 
 
 " Who s the indevidjual ?" inquired Cameo Calliper, 
 Esq., looking at Fydget through a pair of lorgnettes. 
 
 Fydget returned the glance by making an opera glass 
 with each fist, and then continued his remarks : " It s a 
 pity we ain t got feathers, so s to grow our own jacket 
 and trousers, and do up the tailorin business, and make 
 our own feather beds. It would be a great savin every 
 man his own clothes, and every man his own featherbed. 
 Now I ve got a suggestion about that first principles 
 bring us to the skin fortify that, and the matter s done. 
 How would it do to bile a big kittle full of tar, tallow, 
 beeswax and injen rubber, with considerable wool, and 
 dab the whole family once a week ? The young uns 
 might be soused in it every Saturday night, and the nig 
 ger might fix the elderly folks with a whitewash brush. 
 Then there wouldn t be no bother a washing your clothes 
 or yourself, which last is an invention of the doctor to 
 make people sick, because it lets in the cold in winter and 
 the heat in summer, when natur says shut up the po- 
 rouses and keep em out. Besides, when the new inven 
 tion was tore at the knees or wore -at the elbows, just tell 
 the nigger to put on the kittle and give you a dab, and 
 you re patched slick and so that whole mobs of people 
 mightn t stick together like figs, a little sperrits of turpeu- 
 
216 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 tine or litharage might be added to make em dry like a 
 house-a-fire." 
 
 " If that fellow don t go away, I ll hurt him," said 
 Griffinhoff sotto voce. 
 
 " Where s a waiter ?" inquired Cameo Calliper edging 
 off in alarm. 
 
 " He s crazy," said Green " I was at the hospital 
 once, and there was a man in the place who " 
 
 " Twould be nice for sojers," added Fyxington, as 
 he threw away his stump, and very deliberately reached 
 over and helped himself to a fresh cigar, from a number 
 which Mr. Green had just brought from the bar and held 
 in his hand " I ll trouble you for a little of your fire, 
 continued he, taking the cigar from the mouth of Mr. 
 Green, and after obtaining a light, again placing the 
 borrowed Habana within the lips of that worthy indivi 
 dual, who sat stupified at the audacity of the supposed 
 maniac. Fydget gave the conventional grin of thanks 
 peculiar to such occasions, and with a graceful wave of his 
 hand, resumed the thread of his lecture, " Twould be 
 nice for sojers. Stand em all of a row, and whitewash 
 em blue or red, according to pattern, as if they were a 
 fence. The gin rals might look on to see if it was done 
 according to Gunter; the cap ins might flourish the brush, 
 and the corpulars carry the bucket. Dandies could fix 
 themselves all sorts of streaked and all sorts of colours. 
 When the parterials is cheap and the making don t cost 
 nothing, that s what I call economy, and coming as 
 near as possible to first principles. It s a better way, 
 too, of keeping out the rain, than my t other plan 
 of flogging people when they re young, to make their 
 hides hard and waterproof. A good licking is a sound 
 first principle for juveniles, but they ve got a prejudice 
 agin it." 
 
FVDGET FYXIXGTON. 217 
 
 " \Vaiter !" cried Cameo Calliper. 
 
 "Sa!" 
 
 " Remove the incumbent expose him to the atmo 
 sphere !" 
 
 " If you hadn t said that, I d wopped him," observed 
 Griffinhoff. 
 
 " Accordin to first principles, I ve as good a right to 
 be here as any body," remarked Fydget indignantly. 
 
 " Cut you stick, cumbent take you sef off, trash !" 
 said the waiter, keeping at a respectful distance. 
 
 " Don t come near me, Sip," growled Fydget, dou 
 bling his fist "don t come near me, or J ll develope a 
 first principle and lucidate a simple idea for you I ll 
 give you a touch of natur without no gloves on but I ll 
 not stay, though I ve a clear right to do it, unless you are 
 able yes, sassy able ! to put me out. If there is 
 any thing I scorns it s prejudice, and this room s so 
 full of it and smoke together that I won t stay. Your 
 cigar, sir," added Fydget, tossing the stump to Mr. 
 Green and retiring slowly. 
 
 " That fellow s brazen enough to collect militia fines," 
 said Brown, " and so thin and bony, that if pasted over 
 with white paper and rigged athwart ships, he d make a 
 pretty good sign for an oyster cellar." 
 
 The rest of the company laughed nervously, as if not 
 perfectly sure that Fydget was out of hearing. 
 
 * A- * * * * 
 
 " The world s full of it nothin but prejudice. I m 
 always served the same way, and though I ve so much to 
 do planning the world s good, I can t attend to my own 
 business, it not only won t support me, but it treats me 
 with despise and unbecoming freedery. Now, I was used 
 sinful about my universal language, which every body 
 can understand, which makes no noise, and which don t 
 19 
 
218 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 convolve no wear and tear of the tongue. It s the patent 
 anti-fatigue-anti-consumption omnibus linguister, to be 
 done by winking and blinking, and cocking your eye, the 
 way the cat-fishes make Fourth of July orations. I was 
 going to have it introduced in Congress, to save the ex 
 pense of anchovies and more porter ; but t other day I 
 tried it on a feller in the street ; I danced right up to him, 
 and began Canceuvering my daylights to ask him what 
 o clock it was, and I m blow d if he didn t swear I was 
 crazy, up fist and stop debate, by putting it to me right 
 atween the eyes, so that I ve been pretty well bung d up 
 about the peelers ever since, by a feller too who couldn fc 
 understand a simple idea. That was worse than the kick 
 a feller gave me in market, because cording to first princi 
 ples I put a bullowney sassinger into my pocket, and 
 didn t pay for it. The riginal law, which you may see 
 in children, says when you ain t got no money, the next 
 best thing is to grab and run. I did grab and run, 
 but he grabb d me, and I had to trot back agin, which 
 always hurts my feelin s and stops the march of mind. 
 He wouldn t hear me lucidate the simple idea, and the 
 way he hauled out the sassinger, and lent me the loan 
 of his foot, was werry sewere. It was unsatisfactory and 
 discombobberaiive, and made me wish I could find out 
 the hurtin principle and have it radicated." 
 
 Carriages were driving up to the door of a house bril 
 liantly illuminated, in one of the fashionable streets, and 
 the music which pealed from within intimated that the 
 merry dance was on foot. 
 
 " I m goin in," said Fydget " I m riot afeard if we 
 go on first principles we ain t afeard of nothiri , and since 
 they ve monopolized my sheer of fun, they can t do less 
 than give me a shinplaster to go away. My jacket s ^0 
 wet with f I don t get dry I ll be sewed up and 
 
FYDGET FYXIXGTON. 219 
 
 have hie jacket wrote atop of me, which means defuncted 
 of toggery not imprevious to water. In I go. 
 
 In accordance with this design, he watched his oppor 
 tunity and slipped quietly into the gay mansion. Helping 
 himself liberally to refreshments left in the hall, he looked 
 in upon the dancers. 
 
 " Who-o-ip !" shouted Fydget Fyxington, forgetting 
 himself in the excitement of the scene " Who-o-ip!" 
 added he, as he danced forward with prodigious vigour 
 and activity, flourishing the eatables with which his hands 
 were crammed, as if they were a pair of cymbals 
 " Whurro-o-o ! plank it down that s your sort ! make 
 yourselves merry, gals and boys it s all accordin to first 
 principles whoo-o-o-ya- whoop ! it takes us !" 
 
 Direful was the screaming at this formidable apparition 
 the fiddles ceased the waltzers dropped their panting 
 burdens, and the black band looked pale and aghast. 
 
 " Who-o-o-p ! go ahead ! come it strong ! J continued 
 Fydget. 
 
 But he was again doomed to suffer an ejectment. 
 
 " Hustle him out !" 
 
 " Give us a shinplaster then them s my terms." 
 
 It would not do he was compelled to retire shinplas- 
 terless ; but it rained so heavily that, nothing daunted, he 
 marched up the alley-way, re-entered the house through 
 the garden, and gliding noiselessly into the cellar, turned 
 a large barrel over which he found there, and getting into 
 it, went fast asleep " on first principles." 
 
 The company had departed the servants were as 
 sembled in the kitchen preparatory to retiring for the 
 night, when an unearthly noise proceeding from the bar 
 rel aforesaid struck upon their astonished ears. It was 
 Fydget snoring, and his hearers, screaming, fled. 
 
 Rallying, however, at the top of the stairs, they pro- 
 
220 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 cured the aid of Mr. Lynx, who watched over the noc 
 turnal destinies of an unfinished building in the vicinity, 
 and who, having frequently boasted of his valour, felt it 
 to be a point of honour to act bravely on this occasion. 
 The sounds continued, and the " investigating commit 
 tee," with Mr. Lynx as chairman, advanced slowly and 
 with many pauses. 
 
 Lynx at last hurriedly thrust his club into the barrel, 
 and started back to wait the result of the experiment. 
 11 Ouch !" ejaculated a voice from the interior, the word 
 being one not to be found in the dictionaries, but which, 
 in common parlance, means that a sensation too acute to 
 be agreeable has been excited. 
 
 " Hey ! hello ! come out of that," said Lynx, as 
 soon as his nerves had recovered tranquillity. " You are 
 in a bad box whoever you are." 
 
 " Augh !" was the response, " no, I ain t I m in a 
 barrel." 
 
 " No ma tter," added Lynx authoritatively ; " getting 
 into another man s barrel unbeknownst to him in the 
 night-time, is burglary." 
 
 " That," said Fydget, putting out his head like a ter 
 rapin, at which the women shrieked and retreated, and 
 Lynx made a demonstration with his club" that s 
 because you ain t up to first principles keep your stick 
 out of my ribs I ve a plan so there won t be no bur 
 glary, which is this no man have no more than he can 
 use, and all other men mind their own business. Then, 
 this ere barrel would be mine while I m in it, and you d 
 be asleep that s the idea." 
 
 " It s a logo-fogie !" exclaimed Lynx with horror 
 " a right down logo-fogie !" 
 
 " Ah !" screamed the servants " a logO-fogie ! how 
 did it get out ? will it bite ? can t you get a gun ?" 
 
FYDGET FYXINGTON. 221 
 
 " Don t be fools a logo-fogie is a sort of a man that 
 don t think as I do wicked critters all such sort of peo 
 ple are," said Lynx. " My lad, I m pretty clear you re 
 a logo-fogie you talk as if your respect for me and 
 other venerable institutions was tantamount to very little. 
 You re a leveller I see, and wouldn t mind knocking me 
 down flat as a pancake, if so be you could run away and 
 get out of this scrape you re a grarium, and would cut 
 across the lot like a streak of lightning if you had a 
 chance." 
 
 " Mr. Lynx," said the lady of the house from the head 
 of the stairs, she had heard from one of the affrighted 
 maids that a " logo-fogie" had been " captivated," and 
 that it could talk "just like a human" "Mr. Lynx, 
 don t have any thing to say to him. Take him out, and 
 hand him over to the police. I ll see that you are recom 
 pensed for your trouble." 
 
 " Come out, then you re a bad chap you wouldn t 
 mind voting against our side at the next election." 
 
 " We don t want elections, I tell you," said Fydget 
 coolly, as he walked up stairs " I ve a plan for doing 
 without elections, and police-officers, and laws every 
 man mind his own business, and support me while I over 
 see him. I can fix it." 
 
 Having now arrived at the street, Mr. Lynx held him 
 by the collar, and looked about for a representative of jus 
 tice to relieve him of his prize. 
 
 " Though I feel as if I was your pa, yet you must be 
 tried for snoozling in a barrel. Besides, you ve no respect 
 for functionaries, and you sort of want to cut a piece out 
 of the common veal by your logo-fogieism in wishing to 
 bolish laws, and policers, and watchmen, when my 
 brother s one, and helps to govern the nation when the 
 19* 
 
222 CHARCOAL SKETCHES. 
 
 President, the Mayor, and the rest of the day-watch has 
 turned in, or are at a tea-party. You ll get into prison." 
 
 " We don t want prisons." 
 
 " Yes we do though what s to become of functiona 
 ries if there ain t any prisons ?" 
 
 This was rather a puzzling question. Fyxington 
 paused, and finally said : 
 
 "Why, I ve a plan." 
 
 " What is it, then is it logo-fogie ?" 
 
 " Yes, it upsets existing institutions," roared Fyxing 
 ton, tripping up Mr. Lynx, and making his escape the 
 only one of his plans that ever answered the purpose. 
 
 THE END. 
 
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