/ FRONTISPIECE. MY WAYWAED PAEDNEE; OE, MY TRIALS WITH JOSIAH, AMERICA, THE WIDOW BUMP, AND ETCETERY. BY JOSIAH ALLEN S WIFE, (MARIETTA HOLLEY,) AUTHOR OF "Mr OPINIONS AND BETSEY BOBBET S," "SAMANTHA AT CENTENNIAL," <fcc. " Wimmen is my theme y and also Josiak? ra&nia fcg Crwe Wi, ffilliams. PUBLISHED BY SUBSCRIPTION ONLY. HARTFORD, COITK: AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY. 1880. COPYRIGHT BY MARIETTA HOLLEY, 1880. (All rights reserved.) Ps mi TO JOSIAH AND AMERICA. VTITH THE HOPE THAT HE AND SHE BOTH WILL PUT THEIR BEST FOOT FORWARD AND WALK OFF NOBLY IN THE PATH OF RIGHT THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED BY THEIR AFFECTIONATE FRIEND AND WELL WISHER, JOSIAH ALLEYS WIFE M71198 PREFACE. I told Josiah that I guessed I would write a book about several things and wimmen. Says I, "My mind has been dretful agitated lately about that certain lot of female wim men that are sufferin more than tongue can tell. Why," says I, " when I think of their agony and wrongs, it fairly makes the blood bile in my veins. I love the female sect, says 1 firmly, " I am one of em myself." Says he (not wantin me to say a word about it), " Let em write about it themselves." Says I, tl Josiah Allen, do you remember when you fell down through the barn and broke your limb, and most broke your other leg ? " " Yes," says he, but what of it ?" Says I, " What if I had stood still in the buttery winder, and hollered at you to help yourself, and if you was in pain to get out of it ? " "Well," says he, "let em get some of their own folks to do the writin then. They haint none of your folks, nobody won t expect nothin of you." (He had reasons for not wantin me to tell all I knew about certain things.) (v) vi PREFACE. But 1 says in solemn tones, " Do you remember that time you fell, Josiah Allen, and I, bein bound down by rheu- matizm, couldn t do nothin but blow the dinner-horn for help, and Sam Snyder come on the run, and fetched you in, and went after the doctor? " " Throw that leg in my face, if you want to, but what of it?" Says I, " Them sufferin female wimmen are bound down fur more painfully and gauling than you wuz. I haint the strength to lift em up myself, but I am a goin to toot the horn for help. I am a goin to blow through it powerful breaths of principle and warnin ; and mebby another Sam uel, an uncle of mine, that I honor and admire, may hear it, and start off on the run, and lift the hull of them poor female wimmen up, out of their pain and humiliatin situ ation. He can do it if he is a mind to," says I, "as easy as Sam Snyder lifted you, and easier, for he sweat power ful, and most dropped you once or twice. And," says I firmly, "my mind is made up, Josiah Allen, I shall holler for Samuel." "Wall, wall, holler away, for all I care." He had strong reasons for not wantin me to speak a word about certain things, and his tone was very snappish, snappisher than it had been for over seven weeks. But such trials do great spirits no harm; no, it only lifts em up above their own earthly peace and happiness, and sets em more firmly and stiddily on their loftier spears. I sithed, but 1 didn t contend another word with him, only jest that sithe, and then I commenced to write my book. WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. JOSIAH ALLEN GOES ASTRAY. A curious World and a curious Coincidence Realms of Mys tery Josiah Acts queer and Sits on a Volcano "Wait till Evenin "Widow Bump and Her Nutcakes are Dis cussedHow She Ruined the Tailors A tedious Evening and a Night of Woe Fearful Words from the sleeping Josiah" The real Josiah, Where was He? "A mysteri ous Sign Firm Resolves Pardners Must Be Watched " Duty Tackled Josiah Stays at Home Samantha s powerful Weapons victorious, and the Widow Bump For gotten 1951 KITTY SMITH AND CALEB COBB. A Visit from One of the Smiths Who is Poor and Proud- Kitty s Secret, which Must Be Kept Her Would-be Lover, and how She Encouraged Him Sketch of Kellup the Hearse-driver and His Experiences with Hair dyes Why He Didn t Marry Blamed by the Census-taker How Nine Girls Lost Him How He Killed Jane Softer The Death- Blow His Warning to Women Old Cobb and His Argu ments A Sermon by Samantha The old, old Story Re hearsedKitty s Kiss Fun for Kitty 5291 JOSIAH GOES INTO BUSINESS. Josiah, Hankering for Speculation and Neighbors, Repairs the old House and Rents It to "a beautiful Family" from Zoar Rumors that They were Smoked out Josiah Feels neat, and Loves to Neighbor So Do the Spinkses, Their Cow, and Their Hens They Borrow Feather Beds, Pan taloons, and Pork Their Twin "Takes to Him" He Nurses the Twin, Sleeps with the Boys, Chases the Cow, and Takes "solid Comfort"; but "Gets mad" at last, and Meditates Murder Summary Process Adieu to the Spinkses 92120 (vii) viii WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. MORALIZIN AND EPISODIN . Josiah Longs for more Speculation and Comes Home "as cross as a Bear " An Epoch of History The new Head dress and how It Was Bought Caleb Cobb s Opinions thereof, and of extravagant Members of the Meetin -house Samantha Eejoins, Holding up Nature Wreathed in Beauty as a Pattern, and Advocating Charity toward both the Rich and the Poor Two Sides to Everything Naming the Baby Caleb Changes the Subject, and Starts off to Borrow the Stun-bolt, 121153 JOSIAH UNDERTAKES MORE BUSINESS. How old Ben Mandagool Made Money Josiah Wants to do likewise, but Knowing Samantha will Object, Feels cross, Looks mauger, and at last Says He Wants to take Summer Boarders Affection vs. Principle Samanlha Yields Josiah Engages Boarders, and Figures out the Profits A Competency at last! "Get a Girl" The Tip-toe of Expectation Arrival of the Dankses Tremendous Appetites Victuals and Profits Disappear The Secret out More Trouble A heavy Bill, and how he Flatted the Colt and Squshed the Grin -stun How They Made Ghosts and Were hard on the Tom Turkey Night-walk ing and Historicks Arrival of old Danks The Crisis Josiah s Wrath How He Scared Danks, and how Danks Scared him Samantha Speaks of Matrimony and its Responsibilities, and Consoles all Matriinourners A Law suit and its Result 154-188 A VISIT FROM MISS RICKERSON. A windy Day The Simons of the Desert Good Advice to Women Preparing for an Emergency "Likely Cree- ters" Now and then Vain Experiments The miscar ried Letter "She is Coming to-day!" Arrival of Miss Rickerson, she that Was an Allen Her flattering Tongue How She Scared Caleb Cobb, Extolled the Spring Corset, and made Josiah Think he was handsome Our four old Fathers and their chilly Blue Laws " Praise your Friends while they Are Living " Samantha Holds firm, but Cooks good Victuals, and Does well by Alzina Ann 189-204 WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. j x CASSANDRA S TEA PARTY. History of Cassandra and her Misfortune History of her bashful Husband, Nathan Spooner Some of his Adven tures and Experiences How he Went hungry to Please Himself, and Feasted to Please Others How he Courted Cassandria Scenes at the Wedding The Tea-party, and how Alzina Entertained Nathan" The Image of his Pa" At the Tea-table, and how Nathan Said Grace Untimely Remarks Samantha to the Rescue After Sup per Alzina Walks with Cassandra in the Garden She Slanders Josiah and Calls him a " humbly Creeter" Sa mantha Appears on the Scene A Tableau Sarcastic Re marks about People who Take Liberties with their Friends Alzina s Confession The Walk homeward 205229 THE LORDS OF CREATION. Josiah Is proud and tickled because he Is a Man His Opinion of "Wimmen " What old Error Would do if They Made the Laws, and where York State Would Be Samantha Points out a Monument of Man s Economy and Wisdom with Her new Tow-mop A Reminiscence Under the Meetin -house Shed Guilt Arrayed in festal Robes to Lure the Unwary 230240 A EXERTION FOR PLEASURE. Josiah s new "Idee," which Samantha Discourages The Folly of Chasing Pleasure Exertion to the Lake Resolved on Caleb Sacrifices his own Pleasure for the Welfare of the Fair Sect He Is not Their Natural Enemy, but Can t Marry Them all Preparations Early to Bed Visitors, and a Conference Meetin "Galluses and Night Caps" A Wild Night Dreams Josiah Wears T. Jefferson s Uniform The Start Arrival at the Lake How Twenty Old Fools "Sot Sail" Overboard Sea-sick and weak as Cats On the Sand-Beach Demoralized Vittles Wasps and Muskeeters Histing an Umbrell Josiah Meets with Two Accidents, and Retires to Meditate A Search for Josiah Josiah Wears a Shawl and Looks meachin The Return to the Main-land, and Ride Homeward in the Rain The Rheumatiz Takes Hold "Is this Pleasure, Josiah Allen?" 241269 1* WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. A VISIT TO THE CHILDREN. "The Croup Is around" A Slave to Conscience Caleb Enquires about Kitty s Health, and Decides that He May Marry Her Why He Did not Write to Her, and why He Wore old Clothes A Funeral at Log London A Load of Company The Start for Jonesville Thomas J. and Mag gie Providence and the Weather Arrival at Whitfield s A pretty Sight Portraits of little Samantha Joe and Her Pa and Ma The Sun and Sunflower The Kiss of Welcome A Talk with Tirzah Ann, Who Says They Are Going off for Rest and Pleasure "Miss Skidmore Is Go ing, and all genteel People Go" Samantha s Advice, "Better Let Well Enough Alone," is Rejected Who need a Change of Scene and who do not The Stiff-necked Miss Skidmore Who Leads the Jonesville Aristocracy? How Samantha Prescribed for her, and Was Winked out "Burdock Won t Help Her" Proud Keturah Allen Samantha s Ideas of People who Put on Airs and Feel above Her 270302 TIRZAH ANN TO A WATERIN PLACE. How Tirzah Ann, Whitfield, and Samantha Joe, Went off for Rest, and how they Came back as poor as 3 Snails Tirzali s Story of her Experiences and Wrongs at Miss Skidmore s Tavern How She Resolved at Starting to outdo the Skid- mores How they Rested and Recreated Midnight in the fourth Story of a Waterin Place The young Man who Was Crossed in Love, and the young Maiden Who Owned a Melodeon Wails of Woe How the Baby Was Skairt into the Historicks Bathin , deep Water, Cramps and Drowndin Pulled out by the Hair Too much Mineral Water How Whitfield Played Polo (a Game Josiah Wants to Play) and Was Hit by a base Ball How He Danced too much, and Got Disabled Evenin Parties, Dancin and Flirtin The Worst of All; Tirzah s dread ful Confession, Which must be Kept a Secret; "She Flirted with a Man!" About Her Trouble with Whit field in consequence, how He Was jealous, and how a Separation Was imminent " Such Doins! "Piles of Money Spent, and Morals Totterin Bought Wit is the best ..303329 WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. MISS BOBBET LETS THE CAT OUT. An old Acquaintance Sorrows of Her domestic Life, and her great Consolation The Dignity of Marriage Simon s horrible Horrors A Present for Betsey A Summer Evening s Scene Josiah and the high-tide Level of Love The Stranger in the Kitchen How He Looked, and What He Said Why He didn t Set down He Calls for some Cider, and Persisting in his Demands, is Driven from the House at the Point of Samantha s Umberel Tobacco, and why People Use it A Visit from Betsey, who Says the Intruder is Elder Judas Wart, Who is Sealed to Widder Bump, who has been Forwarded to Utah by Express Betsey Tells about his disabled Wives, and about the Mormon Meetin s in Jonesville Shocking Disclosures "Bobbet Went to em and so did Josiah Allen ! " Fearful Words Samantha Groans aloud, and Feels Wicked The Mormon Wimmen s Appeal to Emily (She that was a Webb) and Samantha A Woman to be proud of Direlection in Duty Samantha s firm Resolve to be up and Doin She Hankers to Tackle Elder Wart and America, and Gets madder and madder 330 354 A SERENADIN EPISODE, ETC. Betsey Bobbet s new Poem, Entitled "A Wife s Story," and Published in the Gimlet She Laments her Wedded Life and (although proud to Think she Married Simon) "to be a Widder is her Theme" "Husbands are Tryin ," and Simon s Loss would be Betsey s Gain The pathetic Story of E. Wellington Gansey who Came from the Ohio to Visit his Childhood s Home He is Welcomed by His early Playmates, Has a good Time, and Resolves to Move back to Jonesville Josiah and Others Are so elated that They Go to Serenade Him Samantha, Left alone in the House, Has exciting Experiences She Hears Noises, Gets Skairt, and Expects to be Burgled and Rapined She is finally Appeared to and Talks w^ith the Ghost Poor Tamer Mooney and Her horrible Words " Bloody Indians, Yells, and Tomyhawks!" Rousting the Neigh? bors Reappearance of Josiah What Hit Him What Hit Old Bobbet What Hit the Editor of the Augur What Hit Old Gansey, etc. Eliab leaves His Childhood s Home, and Starts for the Ohio by the first Train 355396 WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT. JUDAS WART AND SUFFERIN WOMEN. Josiah has a Stitch, Comes in on a Broom-handle, and is Made comfortable The Elder Wart also Conies in, Seems dreadful Tickled, and Makes some complimentary Re marks Josiah Overhears them, and Forgets his "Stitch" Summit ha Rescues the Elder, Avho, in retaliation, Twits Josiah about " a certain Widder" to whom He Had Been partial Josiah Denies the Imputation and Gets luny His strange Hallucination, and Memories of his Childhood Samantha, being again "Approached" by the Elder, Gets mad and Threatens him with the Tea kettle He Wants to "Argue," and Samantha Tackles Him What Mormons Worship Who they Rob and Murder What they Covet, and Get, too The Wretched ness of Mormon Wimmen, and especially of Wife No. 1 Ruined Morals Beelzebub s own Timber A Voice from Old Babylon and the Turkey No Acquaintance with Thalos and Mr. Plato The Elder Gets "Sassy," and Samantha Declares She Will Appeal to her Uncle Samuel, who, though a little distracted and run down by his domestic Troubles, Can and Will Stop Mormonism The Elder s parting Shot, which Josiah Resents by an Attack in the Rear " A skairter Man never Lived". .397 469 A CRISIS WITH KELLUP. Kitty Departs, and Kellup Calls to See her 5 Minutes after ward He is greatly Depressed " Wimmen is what s the Matter " He is sorry for Kitty, and says he will Write to her On Reflection he Authorizes Samantha to tell her he Will Marry her whether or no, even if She is poor Remcmbring Soiier s Fate, he "Dassent" do an Errand at Marier s House A Visit from Cassandra and her young Babe How Nathan Treated his Heir A mysteri ous Decree Thrillin News Kitty Smith Disappears from the Scene So Does Miss Smith the Elder So Does Wart (the Elder) So Does Kellup and the Hearse A pastoral Scene Samantha, Reclining by the Brook-side, Listens to a Bird as he Sings and Swings; Watches the Sky and Golden-rod Reflected in the Stream; Meditates on the Old and the New, the Steadfast and the Changing; and Thinks how swift the Water is a Runnin toward the Sea.. ..470490 THE PICTURES MR. WILLIAMS HAS MADE. PAGE 1. FRONTISPIECE (FULL PAGE) 2. " THE TEDIOUS EVENING WANED AWAY " (FULL PAGE) 18 3. POKTRAIT OF THE WlDDER BUMP 24 4. AN IDEAL FAMILY (FULL PAGE) 28 5. MEASURED BY THE WIDDER 32 6. JOSIAU DREAMING 36 7. THOSE " AWFUL WORDS " (FULL PAGE) 40 8. A SOLEMN WARNING 42 9. JOSIAH S DISAPPOINTMENT 47 10. KITTY SMITH (FULL PAGE) 54 11. KELLUP 5!) 12. TUE WOMAN QUESTION 63 13. THE DESERTED 65 14. PAYING HER WAY 67 15. How JANE WAS ROPED IN (FULL PAGE) 09 16. THE DEATH-BLOW 71 17. A JUDGMENT SEAT 74 18. SWINGIN OUT S3 19. A COB(B) WITHOUT CORN (FULLPAGE) 85 20. KITTY S Kiss 87 21. JOSIAH FEELS NEAT 93 22. ARRIVAL OF THE SPINKSES 97 23. YOKED BUT NOT MATED (FULL PAGE) 100 24. JOSIAH NEIGHBORS. . 102 25. BORROWIN JOSIAH 106 26. SPINKS ES Cow A NIGHT SCENE (FULL PAGE) 108 27. OUR HEN-DAIRY 110 28. JOSIAH S Vow 117 29. DANGER AHEAD 118 30. THE NEW HEAD-DRESS 121 31. APPLE BLOSSOMS 123 32. HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN 121 33. HARDATIT 126 (xiii) PICTURES. 34. NATURE S OCEAN BOUDOIR (FULL PAGE) 129 35. NATURE S WORK 131 36. BABY FILLER CASE 135 37. FEELING CHRISTIAN 137 38. "BLESSINGS ON THEM ALL" (FULL PAGE) 141 39. A HEAVENLY MESSENGER 143 40. THE WREATHED SPEAR .145 41. A GUIDING HAND 150 42. "WHAT S THE MATTER, JOSIAH?" 154 43. A POETICAL SIMELY (FULL PAGE) 158 44. JOSIAH S IDEE 161 45. EARLY BIRDS 1G2 46. OUR BOARDERS, (FULL PAGE) 165 47. A SURPRISED COLT 170 48. EXERCISING THE GOBBLER 172 49. A HEAVY BILL (FULL PAGE) 176 50. " SHUT THAT DOOR " 192 51. ARRIVAL OF Miss RICKERSON 196 52. KELLUP S CONUNDRUM 202 53. NATHAN SPOONER 206 54. NATHAN SNICKERS 207 55. PUDDING AND MILK 209 56. THE FAMILY NIGHT-CAP (FULL PAGE) 211 57. "NATHAN SOT DOWN" 214 58. CASSANDRA S MISFORTUNE (FULL PAGE) 217 59. BAD FOR NATHAN 222 60. FACE TO FACE r 226 61. A MONUMENT OF MEN S ECONOMY 233 62. ON THE RAGGED EDGE 236 63. UNDER THE MEETING-HOUSE SHED (FULL PAGE) 23 3 64. ROUTED OUT 246 65. " MURDER WILL OUT" 247 66. SAMANTHA S DREAM (FULL PAGE) 219 67. FACING TROUBLE (FULL PAGE) 253 68. BOUND FOR THE ISLAND 255 69. ON THE BEACH 257 70. DISCOURAGED EXCURSIONIST (FULL PAGE) 2( 71. A DESPERATE SITUATION 264 72. HOMEWARD BOUND (FULL PAGE) 267 73. THE END OF THE EXERTION 2G9 74. MOVING JOSIAH 271 75. DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION 274 PICTURES. xv 76. A ROADSIDE VISIT (FULL PAGE) 279 77. A HAPPY HOME 282 78. LITTLE SAMANTHA JOE 283 79. JOSIAH STILL 286 80. THE ANNUAL TURNOUT (.FULL PAGE)..., 289 81. MRS.SKIDMORE 292 82. KETURAH ALLEN 295 83. VIEW OF JONESVILLE (FULL PAGE) 300 84. "A PITIFUL SIGHT" (FULL PAGE) 306 85. KEEPIN UP HER END 309 86 MIDNIGHT AT A WATERING-PLACE (FULL PAGE) 312 87. WAIL OF WOE C14 88. QUAVERS AND SHAKES 316 89. DoiN 1 THEIR LEVEL BEST 318 90. How JOSIAH WOULD PLAY POLO (FULL PAGE) 320 91. THE RESCUE 323 92. "!T TASTED AWFULLY" 324 93. A SAD SCENE 325 94. TIRZAH ANN FLIRTS WITH A MAN (FULL PAGE) 327 95. A PRESENT FOR BETSEY 331 96. FRIENDLY FEELIN S 332 97. MEETING THE ELDER 335 98. A THREATNIN ATTITUDE 341 99. Miss BOB^ET TELLS ABOUT JOSIAH (FULL PAGE) 344 100. " A RARITY TO EM " 348 101. BOBBET AND JOSIAH TALKIN 352 102. OLD TOIL S BRIDE (FULL PAGE) 357 103. THE WILD-EYED WOMAN 363 104. No ANSWER 367 105. E. WELLINGTON GANSEY 370 106. BURGLERS 379 107. THE GHOST 380 108. TAMER MOONEY 383 109. THE SERENADING PARTY 384 110. THE BRUISED JOSIAH 387 111. THE SERENADE (FULL PAGE) 390 112. "MANDANA! MANDANA ! " 395 113. A STITCH IN THE BACK (FULL PAGE) 398 114. ELDER JUDAS WART 400 115. RESCUING THE ELDER 401 116. HOT WATER 407 117. " LESS ARGUE " (FULL PAGE) 409 xvi PICTURES. 118. MOUNTAIN MEADOWS ; 417 119. AN ANGEL op PEACE 430 1-2(1 MR. AND MRS. PLATO 436 121. THE HINDOO MOTHER ."^ 441 122 A FALLEN ANGEL 443 123. TUB OLD MAN 450 124. OUR DISTRACTED UNCLE 453 125. THE CALL TO DUTY (FULL PAGE) 455 ?26. HELPS FOR THE HEATHEN 457 127. JOSIAU ENDS THE ARGUMENT (FULL PAGE) 464 128. DEPARTURE OF THE ELDER 407 129. TAKIN A KEEP 475 130. MARIER BURPEY 480 131. " Do You WANT A PAIR OF BOOTS ? " 484 132. THRILLING NEWS (FULL PAGE) 486 THE TEDIOUS EVENING WANED AWAY. JOSIAH ALLEN GETS ASTRAY. I HAVE said, and said it calmly, that this is the curiousest world I ever see in my life. And I shan t take it back. I hain t one to whiffle round and dispute myself. I made the statement cool and firm, and shall stand by it. And truly if I never had said or thought anything of the kind, what I see with my own eyes last Friday night, and heard with my own ear before mornin dawned, would have convinced me that I was in the right on t. It s happenin on a Friday, too, was strange as anything could be strange. It was on Friday that Mr. Columbus discovered the New World, and it was on a Friday (though some time after) that I discov ered new regions in my pardner s mind. Realms of mystery, full of strange inhabitents. That Christo pher and me should both make such startlen and momentious discoveries on the same day of the week is a coincidence curious enough to scare anybody most to death. (19) 20 * A HOLLER WORLD. Yes, this world is a curious place, very, and holler, holler as a drum. Lots of times the ground seems to lay smooth and serene under your rockin chair, when all the time a earthquake may be on the very p int of busten it open and swollcrin you up chair and all. And your Josiah may. be a-settin right on top of a volc^luv, unb^iiown : .to you. But I am wanderin off into fields of -poesy, and t o resoom and proceed. It "was along the latter part of winter, pretty nigh spring, when my companion Josiah seemed to kinder get into the habit of going to Jonesville evenin s. When I would beset him to go and get necessaries, groceries, and etcetery, lie would say : " Wall, 1 guess I ll wait till evenin , and then I ll hitch up and go." He d done it a number of times before I noticed it in particular, bein took up alterin over my brown alpacka, and bein short on t for pieces and strained in my mind whether I would get out new backs with out piecin cm acrost the shoulder-blades. I don t get much time to sew, bein held back by housework and rheumatiz, and the job had hung on, and wore on me powerfully, body and mind. Wall, every day or two he would make that curious remark, without my noticin of it (as it were): " Wait till evenin , and I ll hitch up and go." And I wouldn t say notliin , and he d go, and wouldn t get back till nine o clock or after. Wall, as time went on, and my mind grew easier about my A CURIOUS HABIT. 21 dress (I concluded to take the overskirt and make new backs and sleeves, and I got it cut foamin , could have cut it profuse and lavish, if it had been my way), and my mind bein onstrained, and noticin things more, I thought it looked sort o peculier that Josiah should be so uncommon willin to go to the store eve- niivs for necessaries and things, when he had always been such a case to stay to home nights ; couldn t get him out for the Doctor hardly. Collery morbeus couldn t hardly start him, nor billerous colic. It was on that Friday night after Josiah had started, that I, havin finished my dress, sot there a knittin , and my mind bein sot free, it got to thinkin over thinffs. Thinkin how I told him that mornin that the tea was a-runnin out, and I should have to have some that day, and he says : " Wall, after supper I ll hitch up and go." And I says to him sort o mechanically (for my mind was almost completely full of alpacka and waist patterns I had concluded late the night before to take the overskirt) : " What has come over you, Josiah Allen ? I couldn t never use to get you out nights at all." He didn t explain, nor nothin , but says agin, in that same sort of a curious way, but firm : " You make the tea last through the day, Samantha, and to-night I ll hitch up and go." And then he beset me to have a chicken pie for dinner, and I, bein in such a hurry with my sewin , 22 A DOUBTFUL REVELATION. didn t feel like makin the effort, and he told me I must make it, for he had had a revelation that I should. Says I, " a revelation from who ?" And he says, " From the Lord." And 1 says, u I guess not." But he stuck to it that he had. And I finally told him, " that if it was from the Lord he would probable get it, and if it wuzn t, if it wuz as I thought, a revela tion from his stomach and appetite, he most probable wouldn t get it." And I kep on with my sewin . I laid out to get a good, wholesome dinner, and did. But I couldn t fuss to make that pie, in my hurry. His revelation didn t amount to much. But it was curious his talkin so awful curious. I got to thinkin it all over agin as I sot there a-knittin , and I felt strange. But little, little did I think what was goin on under my rockin -chair, unbe known to me. About half past 7 Josiah Allen got home. I asked him what made him come so soon, and he said sun- thin , as he took off his overcoat, about there not bein no meetin that night, and sunthin about the Elder bein most sick. And I s posed he meant conference meetin , and I s posed he meant Elder Bamber. But oh ! if I had only known who that Elder was, and what them meetin s was, if I had only known the slippery height and hollerness of the volcano Josiah Allen was a-sittin upon, unbeknown to me ! But I THE WIDDER S NUTCAKES. 23 didn t know nothin about it, and so I sot there, calm and serene in my frame, for my mind bein onliar- nessed, as I may say, speakin in a poeticule way, from the cares it had been a-carryin , I felt first rate. And so I sot there a-knittin , and Josiah $ot by the stove seemin ly a-meditatin . I thought likely as not, he was a-thinkin on religious subjects, and I wouldn t have interupted him for the world. But pretty soon he spoke out sort o dreamily, and says he : " How old should you take the Widder Bump to be, Samantha ? " " Oh, about my age, or a little older, probable," says T. " What makes you ask ? " "Oh, nothin , says he, and he sort o went to whis- tlin , and I went on with my knittin . But anon, or mebby a little before anon, he spoke out agin, and says he : " The Widder Bump is good lookin for a widder, hain t she ? And a crackin good cook. Sometimes," says he in a pensive way, " sometimes I have almost thought she went ahead of you on nutcakes." Her nutcakes was pretty fair ones, and midelin good shaped, and I wuzn t goin to deny it, and so I " What of it, Josiah ? What if she duz ? " There hain t a envious hair in my head (nor many gray ones for a woman of my age, though I say it that shouldn t) . I hain t the woman to run down another woman s nutcakes. My principles are like brass, as PURSUING THE SUBJECT. has been often remarked. If a woman can make lighter mitcakes than I can (which, give me good flour and plenty of sour cream, and eggs, and other ingregicncies, I shall never believe they can) why, if they can, runnin down their nutcakcs don t make mine any higher up. There is where folks make a mistake they think that rnnnin other folks down lifts them higher up ; but it don t, not a inch. So I kep on knittin , cool as the heel of the sock I was knittin on. Pretty soon Josiah broke out agin : " The Wid- d c r Bump hain t got no relations, has she, Saman- tha, that would be a kinder hangin on, and livin on her, if she should take it into her head to marry agin ? " " I guess* not," says I. " But what makes you ask, Josiah ? " " Oh, nothin . nothin in the world. I hadn t no reason in askin it, not a single reason. I said it, THE WIDDER BUMP. MAKIN HIMSELF AGREEABLE. 25 Samantha," says he, speakin in a sort of a excited, foolish way, u I said it jest to make talk." And agin he went to whistlin , strange and curious whistles as I ever heard, and haulin a shingle out of the wood-box, he went to whittlin of it into as strange shapes as 1 ever see in my life. I looked at him pretty keen over my specks, for I thought things was goin on kinder curious. But I only says in a sort of a dry tone fci 1 am glad } ; ou can think of sunthin to say, Josiah, if it hain t nothin but widder. Howsumever," says I, speakin in a encouragin tone, seein how dretful meachin he looked, and thinkin mebby I had been too hard on him, u Widder is better than no subject at all, Josiah, though I don t call it a soarin one. But 1 can t see," says I, lookin at him uncommon keen over my specks, " I can t see why you foller it up so awful close to-night. I can t see why the Widder Bump is a-running through your mind to-night, Josiah Allen." "Oh! she hain t! she hain t!" says he, speakin 1 up quick, but with that dretful meachin and sheepish look to him. " I am a talkin about her, Samantha, jest to pass away time, jest to make myself agreeable to you." " Wall," says I, in a dryer tone than I had hitherto used, " don t exert yourself too hard, Josiah, to make yourself agreeable. You may strain your mind beyond its strength. I can stand it if you don t say nothin more about the Widder Bump. And time," says I, "I 26 PASSIN AWAY TIME. guess time will pass away quick enough without your takin such pains to hurry it along." And then I launched out nobly on that solemn theme. About time, the greatest of gifts; how it come to us God-given; how we ort to use it; how we held our arms out blindly, and could feel the priceless treasure laid in em, close to our hearts, unbeknown to us; and how all beyond em was like reachin em out into the darkness, into a awful lonesomeness and emptiness ; how the hour of what we called time was the only thing on God s earth that we could grip holt of; how it was every mite of a standin place we could lift the ladder on for our hopes and our ycarnin s, our immortal dreams to mount heavenward; how this place, the Present, was all the spot we could stand on, to reach out our arms toward God, and eternal safety, and no knowin how soon that would sink under us, drop down under our feet, and let us down into the realm of Shadows, the Mysterious, the Beyond. "And still," says I, " how recklessly this priceless treasure is held by some ; how folks talk about its bcin too long, and try to get ways to make it go quicker, and some," says I, dreamily, "some try to make it pass oft quicker by talkin about widders." I don t think I had been more eloquent in over five weeks, than I was in talkin upon that theme. I was very eloquent and lengthy, probable from J to i an hour. I talked beautiful on it. A minister would have said so if he had heard me, and lie would have AN IDEAL FAMILY. A BANNER IN THE SKt. 29 been likely to thought highly of it, and my gestures, for the waves that I waved outwards with my right hand was impressive, and very graceful. I held the sock in my right hand, as I waved it out; it was a good color, and it floated out some like a banner. I felt well, and acted well, and I knew it. And I thought at the time that Josiah knew it, and was proud of me, and felt more affectionate to me than his common run of feelin s towards me wuz, for most the minute I got through episodin , he broke out, and says he: "Don t you think you are a workin too hard, Samantha ? Don t you think it would be easier for you if you had some woman here a livin to help you? And," says he, dreamily, " she might be a fryin the nutcakes while you was a brilirf the beef-steak, and cookin other provisions." I was exceedingly affected by his tender feelin s towards me, (as 1 supposed,) and says I, in affectionate axents: "No, I can get along, Josiah." But oh! if I had known! If I had known what thoughts was a runnin through his mind, how differ ent my axent would have been. My axcnt would have been so cold it would have froze him stiffer n a mush- rat, jest one axent would, it would have had that deadly icyness to it. Blind beiu that I was, a speakin tender and soft to him, and knittin on his heel, (a double stitch, too, to make it firmer,) and he a settin of his own accord up on top of that volcano that was 2 30 MEN S CURIOUS WAYS. ready to bust right out, and burn up all my happiness, and swallcr down and engulf my Josiah. What feel- in s I felt as I thought it all over afterwards. Wall, I sot there a knittin on his heel, and occa sionally makin eloquent and flowery speeches, and he, from time to time, a speakin out sudden and sort o promiscous, a praisin up the Widder Bump, and sort o mix in her up with religion, and seals, and revela tions, and things, and anon, when I would take him to do about it, a whistlin , and whittlin shingles into curious and foolish shapes, curiouser than I ever re membered to see him whittle, and whistlin more sort o vacant and excentrick whistles than I ever remem bered hear in him whistle dretful loud whistles, some of em, and then dwindlin down sudden and unex pected into low and dwindlin ones. And I a won- derin at it, and think in things was a goin on strange and curious. And then anon, or about that time, or anyway, as soon as I would have -time to meditate on men s curious and foolish demeanors at times why I would give up that it was one of their ways, and he w r ould get over it, knowin that they mostly did get And so the long, tejus cvenin waned away. And Josiah locked the doors, and wound up the clock, and greased his boots, and went to bed. But oh ! little did I know all the while he was a windin and a greasing and I a knittin , and the carpet seemed to lay smooth and straight under us, all the time a earthquake was a AN UNEXPECTED EARTHQUAKE. 31 rumblin , and, to use a poetical and figurative expres sion, a snortin down under us, unbeknown to me. Wall, that night my pardner, Josiah Allen, at two different times, once about midnight, and once about the time the roosters crowed at two separate times, which I am ready to testify and make oath to, he spoke right out in his sleep, and says : "Widder Bump!" And that is the livin truth, and J have always been called truthful, and don t expect to take up lyin now, at my age. How many more times he said it, while I was a sleepin peacefully by his side, I can t say. But them two times I heard and counted, and my feelin s as I lay there and heard them awful words can t never be told nor sung; no, a tune can t be made curious enough to sing em in. Then I gin up, fully gin up, that sunthin was wrong. That a great mystery was hangin over my Josiah and the widder, or to one of em, or to some body, or to sunthin . Oh the feelin s that I felt, as I lay there and heard them words. I wuzn t jealous that I will contend for; but what words them was for a affectionate, lovin pardner to hear from the lips of a sleepin Josiah. " Widder Bump ! " I was not jealous. I would scorn to be. There wuzn t a jealous hair in my foretop, and I knew it, or my back hair. And I knew I was better lookin than the widder, though she was wholesome lookin . 32 CLOTHES MADE TO ORDER. She was the widder of Sampson Bump ; he died with collery morbeus, and she moved to Jonesville and set up a tailoress shop, and had been called likely. Though the wimmen of Jonesville had gi n in that their hus bands never had so many clothes made in the same length of time, and a good many of the men had got scolded considerable by their wives for r u n n i n through with their proper ty, and goin so deep into their store- clothes. But the men had all gi n in that read y-m a d e clothes ripped so it was a perfect moth to buy em, and it was fur cheaper to hire em made by hand. And Josiah had started up about the middle of winter, and wanted to have her measure him for a vest, and get a new over coat made. Josiah Allen didn t need no vest, and I put my foot right down on it. But I had her come MEASURED BY TITE WIDDER. NO CAMEL. 33 to the house and make the overcoat, and while she was there I run a splinter under my finger-nail, and was disabled, and I kep her a week to do housework. As I say, she had always been called likely, though she seemed to be sort o shaky and tottlin in her reli gion. She had been most everything sense she come to Jonesvillc, not quite 2 years. She jincd the Metho dists first, then the Tiscopals, then the Univcrsalers, and then the Camelites. And I s posed at this present time she was a Camel. I had hcarn talk that she was a leanin towards the Mormons, but I had always made a practice of disputin of it, knowin how hard it was for good lookin wimnien to get along without bcin slandered by other wirnmcn. I always dispised such littleness, and so I had come out openly and stood up for her, and called her a Camel. But I learnt a lesson in this very affair. 1 learnt to be more mejum than I had been, and 1 thought I knew every crook and turn in mcjumness, I had always been such a master hand for it. But in dispisin littleness and jealousy in other wimmen, and tryin to rise above it, I had riz too fur. She wuzn t a Camel! And while the other wimmeii had been spiteful and envious, I had been a lyin though entirely unbeknown to me, and I don t s posc I shall ever be hurt for it. As I have said, and proved, I wuzn t jealous, but oh, what groans 1 groaned, as I heard for the second time them fearful words from the lips of my pardner "Widdcr Bump!" 34 HEAVY GROANS. It was awful dark in the room, perfectly dark, but darker fur in the inside of my mind, and gloomier. How I did groan, and turn over agin and groan. And then I d try to look on the bright side of things, right there in the dark. Thinkses I, I know I am better lookin than she is, and would be called so by good judges. To be sure, her heft was in her favor ; her heft was a little less than mine, mebby 100 pounds or so, and she could most probable get around spryer, and act more frisky. But thinkscs I, when a man loves a woman devotedly, when lie carrys her in his heart, what is a few pounds more or less ? Thinkses I, a hundred pounds hain t more than a ounce to him under the circumstances; he don t sense it at all. So I d try my best to look on the bright side, (right there in the dark,) and I d say to myself, my Josiah s affec tions arc sound, they are wrapped completely round me. And then I d look on the dark side, and think how 1 had beam that men s affections was loose and stretchy, some like the injy rubber ribbins you get to put round papers. How it will set tight round one, and hold it secmin ly so close that there don t seem to be room for another single one, and then how easy it will stretch out and hold tight round another one and another one and ct cctcry and et cetery. Seemin to set jest as easy round the last ones, and hold em jest as tight and comfortable as the first one. And then I d groan, and turn over agin and groan. And once my groan (it was a louder one than JOSIAH AWAKES. ,35 my common run of groans, and deeper,) it waked Josiah Allen right up out of a sound sleep, and he was skairt, and riz right up in the end of the bed, and says he, in tones tremblin with emotion and excitement: " What is the matter, Samantha?" And I never let on what ailed me, but told him in tones that I tried to make calm and even, (and as lofty as I could when I knew I was talkin in a parable way) that it was a pain that was a goarin of me. I didn t lie. 1 wuz in pain, but I didn t feel obleegod to explain the parable to him, and tell him where the pain wuz. I didn t tell him it was in my heart. And he thought it was in my shoulder-blades; he thought it was the rheumatiz. And he wanted to know, in affectionate tones, " if he shouldn t rub my back, or if he shouldn t get me the spirits of turpentine, or the camfire?" But I told him no. I knew that turpentine was a master hand to strike in, but it couldn t never go down deep enough to strike at the feelin s I felt and camfire never was made strong enough to ease off a wounded spirit, or bathe it down. But I held firm, and didn t say nothin . And Josiah lay down agin, and in i a minute s time was fast asleep, and a dreamin . What w r as his dream? Into what land was his mind a journcyin ? And who was his companion ? Was it Widder Bump ? At that fearful thought it seemed as if I should ex pier. I dassent groan for fear of roustin up my pardner, and 36 DREADFUL FEELIN S. so I had to stand it with sithin . Sithes wouldn t wake him up. And oh ! what fearful and tremenjous sillies 1 sithed for the next several moments. I hain t afraid to bet that the best judge of sithes that ever lived would have said that he never heard any that JOSIAH DREAMING. went ahead of these, nor see deeper ones, or more mel- ancholy. Why my feelin s was dreadful, and can t be described upon. There it was, dark as pitch. It was jest before daylight, when it is the darkest time in the hull night. And there my companion wuz. Where wuz he? 1 couldn t tell, nor nobody. His body lay JOSIAH, WHERE WAS HE? 37 there by my side. But the real Josiah, where wuz he? And who was with him where lie wuz ? Oh ! what feelin s I felt ! what sithes I sithed ! What blind creeters we are, anyway. Our affections reach out like a wild grape-vine, layin hold of simthin\ or somebody, a twistin and a clingin , till death on- clinches of em, jest as foolish, jest as blindly. Human love is strong, but blinder than a mole. How is that grape-vine to know what it is a clingin to ? Blind instinct moves it to lay holt of simthin , and hang on till it is tore away, or sot fire to, or wrenched off by some power outside of itself, and killed, and destroyed. But how can it tell whether it is clingin rouncl a live oak or a bean-pole ? Round sunthin that is sound to the core, or holler as a pipes- tail ? Round sunthin that will draw it along the ground, draggin it through mud and mire into a per fect swamp hole and bog, soilin its bright leaves, dwarfin its free growth, poisenin it with dark and evil shadows ? Or whether it will draw it up towards the clear heavens and the sunlight, and hold it up there by its strength a happy vine, growin fresh and bright, sendin out blessed tendrils touchin nothin less pure than God s own sweet atmosphire. Now I worshipped that man, Josiah Allen. And I thought he loved the very ground I walked on as devotedly as 1 did hisen. I thought I knew every crook and turn in that man s mind. And now, after livin together over 20 years, that man had done what 2* 38 AGONIZIN WORDS. he had done ; talked the hull evenin long about a certain widder, and even in his sleep had uttered them fearful and agonizin words "Widder Bump!" And there I was, a strong woman in every way strong in intellect and principles, strong in my love for him, strong in my heft. And here I was, power less as a rag-babe. No more strength nor knowledge in the matter than the rag-babe would have. No more power in my hand to lift up the veil of mystery that was hangin round my Josiah than there would be in the babe s, not a mite. Josiah s mind wasn t the strongest mind in the world I had always known that, and had made a practice of rcmindin him of it frequent, when I see it would be for his good. But now, now there wuzn t a intellect powerful enough on the face of the earth to foller it up and overthrow it. Out of the reach of friend or foe ; beyond perswasion, ridicule, reasonin , or entreaty; out of the reach of me, his Samantha. He had gone off a travelin with out no change of clothin , or railroad tickets. Settin off on a journey, unshackled by pardners, bundles, and umbcrells. A soarin free ajid calm through that won derful land. The ring on my finger held him before earthly courts and constables, but there he was a wan- derm , a free Josiah. Was I a wanderin with him? Did his soul reach out to me from that. realm hold to me so close as to draw my spirit to his adown them shadowy streets, into them mysterious homes, over whose silent threshold no curious foot may pass? THOSE " AWFUL WORDS." THE PHANTOM WIDDER. ^ 41 Was his lawful pardner with him there, where she should be ? "Was his thought loyal to me, where there was no law, no influence, or constraint to make him constant or was he a cuttin up and a actin , flirtin in spirit with the phantom thought of a Widder Bump ? Here I would sithe powerful, and turn over agin, and sithe. And so the tejus night passed away. But one great determination I made there in them fearful moments of darkness and mystery, one powerful resolve I made, and determined to keep: I would hold firm. And never let my pardner know I was a mistrustin any thing. But every minute of the time, day and night, I would keep the eye of my spectacles open, and try to find out what was a goin on. But little, little did I think what it was that was a goin on. Little did I realize the size and heft of the earthquake that was a rumblin and a roarin under that feather-bed unbe known to me. But more of this hereafter and anon. The next mornin sunthin happened to me that, comin as it did jest at this curious and tryin time, was enough to scare anybody most to death. I had a sign ; a mysterious warnin . I happened to take up the last World while my dish-water was a heatin , and the very first words the eye of my spectacles fell on right there in broad daylight entirely unexpected to me, I read these awful words : A meetin -house steeple had fell flat down the day before fell right down into a man s door-yard, sudden 42 A SOLEMN WARNIN . and unexpected, broke a hen-coop and five lengths of fence, and skairt em most to death. They thought, them folks did, that that steeple stood firm and sound. They never mistrusted it was a tottlin . And it had stood straight and firm for year after year, prob able for over 20 years. But there come along a gust of wind too strong for it, and over it went right into their door- yard ; its lofty head was bowed into the dust, the hen-coop and fence was squshcd down forever, and they was skairt. I don t believe too much in signs and won derments, yet I don t s posc a man or a woman lives who hain t got a little streak of supersti tion and curiousness in em. I s pose livin as READIN THE SIGN RIGHT. 43 we do with another world that we don t know nothin about pressin so close about us on every side, livin in such curious circumstances makes us feel sort o curious. Some as Miss Arden felt, the one that Mr. Tennyson wrote about, she that was Ann Lee. When her hus band Enock got lost she wouldn t gin up that he was dead, and marry to another man, till she opened the Bible and looked for a sign. I have heard Thomas J. read it so much that Ann seems near to me, almost like one of the Smiths. But though Ann did find a sign, and was mistaken in it, or didn t give it the right meanin , I was determined to read mine right. I felt a feelin in my bones that them words was meant to me for a warnin ; was gin to me as a sign to meditate on. If a meetin house steeple could tottle, my Josiah s morals was liable to tottle; if that steeple fell right down flat into a man s door-yard, breakin down and squshin what it had broke down and squshed, my Josiah was liable to fall flat down in a moral way, and sqush down all my earthly comfort and happiness ; and 1 felt a feelin that if I would save him I must be up and a doin . Now if them folks had mistrusted that that steeple was gettin shaky, they could have tied it up, mebby, and kep it straight. And I was determined that if tyin up, or anything of that sort, would keep my Josiah up, he should be tied. I am speakin poetically, 44 x WATCH YOUR PARDNERS. and would wish to be so understood. Ropes was not in my mind, neither tow strings. And then as I come to think things over, and look at the subject on every side, as my way is, I felt a feelin that I hadn t done as I ort. My mind had been on a perfect strain for 2 weeks on that alpacka dress, and I hadn t kep watch of my pardner as pardners ort to be watched over. Men are considerable likely critters, but they are sort o frisky in their minds, onstiddy, waverin kinder. They need a stiddy bit, and a firm martingill, to drive em along straight in the married life, and keep their minds and affections stabled and firm sot onto their lawful pardners. I have said that there wasn t a jealous hair in my head, not a hair. But filosify and deep reasonin has learnt me severe and deep lessons. Even after the fearful night 1 had passed, the awful words I had listened to from the lips of a sleepin Josiah, still filosify whis pered to me that my pardner was as good as the com mon run of men, and I, in strainin my mind on store- clothes, had neglected things of far more importance ; I had neglected lookin after my companion as men ort to be looked after. The cat, to use a poetical and figurative expression, had been away, and the mouse had gone to playin . Or, to bring poesy down to prose, and to common comprehension, the cat had been fixin over a brown alpacka dress, and the mouse had got to follerin up a Widder Bump in his mind. I believe when the man goes to cuttin up and actin , ATTRACTIVE HOMES. 45 if the female pardner, upheld by principle, would take a microscope and look over her past, she would more n as likely as not come bunt up against some fault of her own, some neglect, some carelessness, some things she had done that she ortn t to done, or some things she hadn t done that she ort She could trace back their cuttin s up and actin s to some little unguarded moments, when through hurry, or carelessness, or neglect, she had let the lines and martingills of ten derness and watchfulness drop out of her hand, and had let her pardner go a caperin off with nothin but a halter on, a prancin up and down society like a 3- year old colt that hadn t had a bittin rig on. Pard- ners have got to be humored. They have got to be made comfortable and happy in their own homes; their companions has got to make themselves attrac tive to em, or they won t be attracted. Viniger won t draw flies worth a cent. And pardners have got to be watched ; for this is the law and the profit. They have got to be reined up to the post of duty, and hitched there. They are naturally balky, and love to shy off side-ways, and there haint no use denyin of it. I tell you, I had deep thoughts that day as I went round the house a doin up my work ; awful deep ones, and a sight of em, probable as many as 2 dozen a min ute right along through the day; some solemn and affectin ones, about as solemn as they make, and some 46 A HATCD JOB IN FRONT. more hopeful like, and chirk. I tell you, my mind got fairly tuckered out by the middle ot the afternoon. But with Samantha, regret, repentance, and reform ation f oiler right straight on after each other, jest like 3 horses hitched in front of each other drawin a heavy load. I see there was a duty in front of me to tackle ; 1 see that I must not let Josiah Allen go off to Jones- ville another night without his pardncr. 1 must leave cares and store-clothes in the back-ground, and come out nobly, and make my home and myself agreeable to my pardner, and keep a keen and vigilant eye onto his proceedin s and goin s on. So that cvenin along towards night, when he spoke out in that same sort o strange and curious way a^jout Jonesville, and that "after supper he guessed he d hitch up and go." Then it was that I spoke up mild and firm as my soap-stun, and said, "I guessed I d go, too." He looked brow-beat and stunted by my remark, and says he: "I am most afraid to have you go out in such muggy weather, Samantha. I don t believe you realize how muggy it is." Says I, in a brave, noble tone : " It hain t no mug gier for me than it is for you, Josiah Allen, and if you go, I go, too." " Wall," says he, with that same dumb-foundered and stunted mean, "the old mare hadn t ort to go out agin to-night; she lost a shoe off last week. I don t believe we had better try to go." THE LAST MEETIN . 47 Says I coolly : " Do jest as you are a mind to, but if you must go, it is my duty to stand by you and go, too ; if my pardner has got a hard job in front of him to tackle, it is my duty to tackle it, too." JOSIAH8 DISAPPOINTMENT. "Wall," says he, "I guess I ll go out to the barn and onharness. The old mare hadn t ort to go out with her off shoe in such a condition." But as he drawed on his overhauls, I heard him mutter sunthin to himself about "its bein the last night the Elder would be there till fall." But I over heard him, and says I : " You know, Josiah Allen, that Elder Bamber has 48 CREAM BUSCUIT. gin up goin home ; his mother s fits is broke up, and he hain t a goin . And there l be meetin s right along every night jest as there has been." They ve been holdin protracted meetin s to Jones- ville for quite a spell, and I s posed them was the meetin s that Josiah meant. Ah! little, little did I know what Elder he meant, or what meetin s. But he knew me too well to tell me. He knew well the sound ness and heft of my principles. He hadn t lived with em above 20 years without findin em out. But more of this hereafter and anon. When Josiah come into the house agin, and sot down, he had that same sort o cross, brow-beat look to him. And he spoke out sort o surly like: "Hain t it about supper-time, Samantha? And if you ve got over bein in such a dreadful hurry with that dress, mcbby you ll have time to get a little sunthin better to eat. 1 declare for t," says he in a pitiful tone, u you have most starved me out for a week or two. And you hain t seemed to have had time to say a word to me, nor nothin . Your mind hain t seemed to be on me a mite. And," says he, with a still more depressted and melancholy look, "a cream-biscuit is sunthin I hain t seen for weeks. Nothin but bread! bread!" Oh ! how my conscience smited me as I heard them W0 rds it smited and smarted like a burn. Yet at the same time his words kind o chirked me up, they made me think what a powerful arrow I had in my hands to shoot down my sorrow with. They made me MY POWERFUL WEEPOK 49 feel that it wuzn t too late to save my pardner, and that was a sweet thought to me. Yes, with a thankful and grateful heart, 1 grasped holt of that weepon that had defended me so many times before on hard battlefields of principle. I held that weepon firm and upright as a spear, and says I : " Josiah, you shall have as good a supper as hands can get." Says I, " Besides the common run of vittles we jenerally have for supper, cake and tarts and such stuff, what do you say, Josiah Allen, to havin a briled chicken, and toast, and mashed-up potatoes, and cream biscuit, and peaches?" His mean changed in a minute. I never see a mean in my hull life look more radient than hisen did as I spoke them words. And my breast heaved with such happy and grateful emotion that it most bust off 2 battens in front (them battens wuzn t what they was recommended to be ; there was sunthin wrong about em in the shanks). Though the mournful and mys terious episode and Widder Bump was remembered, yet I felt a feelin that I should win my pardner back I should save his sole alive. But yet I had solemn feclin s, I can tell you, all the while I was a mixin up them cream biscuit, and brilein that chicken, and makin that toast, and mashin up them potatoes, and puttin plenty of cream and butter into em. I well knew I was a handlin my most powerful weepons. I knew if them failed, 1 was ondone. 50 GOOD VITTLES A PANAKY. 1 had meditated so many times and so deep onto this subject, that 1 knew every crook and turn in it. How a man s conscience, his moral faculties, and his affections was connected by mighty and resistless cords to his appetite. 1 knew well that when his morals was tottlin , when he was wild, balky, fractious, and oneasy, good vittlcs was the panaky that soothes. And Avhen the mighty waves of temptation was tostin him to and fro when scoldings seemed futile, and curtain lectures seemed vain, extra good vittles was the anchor that wimmin could drop down into them seethin waters, knowin that if that didn t holt, she could, in the words of the Sammist, " give up the ship." Yes, as Josiah Allen see me a gettin that supper he grew calm, peaceful, his demeaner towards me grew sweet and lovin , his affections seemed to be stabled and firm sot onto me. I sec, and 1 can tell you 1 was a proud and happy woman as I see it, that the anchor I had thro wed overboard was a grapplin the rock. Agin, as in days past and gone, in different crysises of my lite, philosophy, principle, and Saman- tha conquered. The supper was a success. The spring chicken was plump and tender, but not more tender than Josiah s demeanor to me as he par-took of that refreshment. The cream biscuit was light and warm ; so was my heart as 1 see my happy pardncr eat the 7th one. The peaches was delicious and sweet ; so was my A MOMENTIOU8 VICTORY. 51 Josiah s smile onto me, as I dipped out the 4th sass plate full and handed it to him. And after supper he sot there by my side calm and peaceful, and the Wid- der Bump and all other earthly cares and agonys seemed to be forgot. But it wuzn t till long afterwards, it wuzn t till the 4th day of the next September, though I mistrusted, I mistrusted strong before, but it wuzn t till then, that I knew for certain what a glorious and momentious victory I had won that day. What great and awful responsibilities was a devolvin onto them cream bis cuit, and hangin round that chicken and toast and potatoes. I felt solemn feelin s a gettin that supper, and curious ones a eatin of it. But oh, what feelin s should I have felt if I had known what a earthquake was a rumblin and a roarin under that table unbe known to me. Oh, what blind creeters the fur seein est of us are, how powerless are the most magnifyest spectacles to see the brinks that pardners are a hangiif over unbe known to us. But of this, more hereafter and anon. KITTY SMITH AND CALEB COBB. WE have got a dretful pretty girl a-stayin with us now, one of the relation on my side, one of the Smiths. When we heard she was a comin , Josiah kinder hung back from the idee at first. But as I see him a hangin back, I calmly, and with dig nity, took the Widder Doodle, one of the relations on his side, and mildly yet firmly threw her in his face. It hit him jest right, the idee did, and I hain t heard a word sense of murmurin s or complainin s about the Smiths. I enjoy her bein here the best that ever was. We have took lots of comfort sense she come. Not that happiness and security has caused me to shut that open eye of my spectacle. No ! that is still on the watch, vigilent and keen, and if there is anything a goin on, I feel that it cannot long he hid from that eye. But everything has seemed calm and peaceful, Josiah is affectionate and almost tender in his mean to me. And I learn from the neighbors that the Wid- (52) ^ KITTY SMITH. A PRETTY GIRL. 55 der Bump has gone off on a visit to her folkses. But still that eye of my speck is sleepless. Not once has it closed itself in slumber, and still I hold firm. Kitty Smith is a pretty girl, as pretty a one as I ever see. The Smiths, as I have said to Josiah a number of times, was always pretty fair lookin . He thinks so too, only when he is fractious. She looks a good deal as I did when I was her age; Josiah owned up to me the other night that she did. We had had a splendid good supper, and he felt well, and he said so of his own accord. And then she favors her mother considerable, a good-lookin woman as I ever see, and smart. Kitty is very fair complected, smooth, as delicate as a sea shell, with curly hair almost gold-colored, only bearin a little on the brown, kinder fruzzly and fluffy on top, blowin all over her forward when she goes out in the wind, or anything. And her forward bein white as snow, when the little gold rings and curls arc a blowin all over it, they look well. She has got sort o pinky cheeks, and her eyes are big and dark, and kinder grey like, and all runnin over with fun and mischief. She is the biggest witch out. And her lips are red as two roses, and always a laughin , them and her eyes ; I don t know which laughs the most. Her name is Kitty, and she is just as affectionate as a little kitten, and as playful. I think a sight on her. And I love to look at her. I always did love to look at a handsome woman. 56 KITTY S SECftET. There are some wimmen tliat it gauls to see a female handsomer than they be, but it never did me. I always loved to see handsome pictures, and a beautiful woman s face is a picture with a soul in it.] I set a great deal of store by her, and so does Josiah and the childern; they arc all a quarrclin now which will have her the most. But we shan t none of us have her long, I s pose. For she has told me in strict confidence, and if I tell, it must not go no further, for it must be Jeep 1 ! She don t want Josiah and the childern to get holt of it, knowin they would plague her most to death. She is engaged to be married to a awful smart-lookin feller. She showed me his picture a keen-eyed, noble-lookin chap, I can tell you, and well off. His father owns the big manu factory where her father was overseer when he died, and where her mother keeps boarders now. His father stood out, at first, about his marryin a poor girl. And Kitty come off out here for a long visit; her mother wanted her to; they are both proud, and won t force themselves into no company. But Mark that is the young feller s name Mark stands firm, and the old man is a comin round gradual. Kitty, though she jest worships Mark, won t go there till she is welcome, and I bear her out in it. That is why she is here on such a long tower. But she knows it is all a comin out right ; her mother says it is ; and Mark writes to her every day or two, and she is happy as a bird. COURTIS ON A HEARSE. 57 But she is a little too full of fun sometimes, and thoughtless. She don t realize things as she ort, and as she will when she is older. Now there is a young feller here in Jonesville that has got after her, Caleb Cobb, or Kellup, as everybody calls him. And just out of pure fun she lets him foller her up. I feel bad about it, and so 1 have told Josiah. But lie said " she didn t mean no more hurt than a kitten did, a-playin with a mouse." Says I, u Josiah Allen, hain t it bad for the mouse ?" "Wall," says Josiah, "it no need to have been a mouse then." Says I, "That is a dretful deep argument, Josiah." Says I, " I should be afraid to be so smart, if I was in your place. I should be afraid they d want me to Congress." My tone was withcrin and dry as a fish. But Josiah didn t feel withered up. The fact is, lie hates Kellup, and loves to see him fooled, that is the truth on t. Kellup s father is the cabinet-maker to Jones ville, and Kellup drives the hearse, and he comes to see Kitty in it. His father does sights and sights of business out in the country all round Jonesville, and every time Kellup is called out with it, on his way home he w r ill go milds and milds out of his way for the privilege of stoppin and seein her. And he ll hitch that hearse to the front gate, and come in and try to court her. Why, anybody would think a pesti lence had broke out in our three housen, our n, and 3 58 A DANGEROUS CHARACTER. Tirzah Ann s, and Thomas Jefferson s, to see that hearse hitched in front of em every day or two. It works me up and gives me awful feelin s. But Kitty jest giggles and laughs over it, and Josiah and the children encourages her in it. They hate Kellup like pisen. And he is one of the stingiest, disagreeablest, con- ceitedest, self-righteousest creeters that I ever see in my life. And pretends to be religious. Why, I spose tight is no name for his. tightness. Somebody made the remark that he was a wolf in sheep s clothing. And Thomas J. said it wasn t nothin but the sheep s hide, then, for if it had been the hull pelt he d sell the wool offen it quicker n a wink. And he thinks he is so beautiful, and dangerous to wimmen. But I never <iould bear his looks. He has got great big black eyes, dretful shaller, no depth to em, some like huckleberries, only bigger, but jest about as much soul and expression into em as a huckleberry has. And a sailer skin and low forward, with sights of hair and whiskers. The curiousest hair, and the singularest whiskers that I ever did see. They are very heavy and bushy, and he bein pretty well along in years, they would be as grey as two rats. But bein a bachelder, and wantin to pass off as a young man, he colors em. Which would be all per fectly proper and right, and no more than lots of folks do ; but the peculiarity is, he is so uncommon tight that he wont buy hair dye, but makes experiments CALEB COBB. 59 with himself, steeps up things, roots and herbs, and stuffs he can buy cheap, minerals and things, cateku, and so 4th, and pusly. And so you hardly ever see him twice with his hair and whiskers and eyebrows the same color. And I ll be hanged if he haint some of the time the curiousest lookin creeter that was ever seen out side of a menagery. If he would only settle down on one color and keep it up, it wouldn t be so bad for him. London brown hair and whiskers wouldn t look so awful bad after you get used to em, or cateku color, or madder red, But he thinks, I spose, that he will hit on sunthin cheaper than he has hit on ; so he will keep on tamperin with em, and makin experiments, and you won t no sooner get used to seein em cinneman color, than the very next thing they will be a bright pusly color, or sorrel. It jest spiles his looks, and so I have told Josiah. And he said " It was hard spilin anything that was born spilt," And I told him " That no human bein was ever born with pusly-colored hair and whiskers." KELLUP. % 60 WORLDLY LUXURIES. And he said " He was born a dumb fool ! " And I didn t deny it, and didn t try to, only I scolded him powerful and severe on the " dumb." His hair and whiskers, as I say, are always some new and curius shade, very changeable and oncertain, as to color, but they are always greasy. He uses sights and sights of hair oil ; he makes it himself out of lard, scented up high with peppermint. He uses peppermint essence on his handkerchy, too (he gathers his own peppermint and makes it, and uses it lavish). He says that is the only vain, worldly luxury he in dulges in. He says he feels guilty about usin up his property in it, but it is such a comfort to him that he don t feel as if he can give it up. His clothes are always very cheap and poor lookin , when he is dressed up the most, but he dresses very poor the most of the time, for principle, he says, to try to wean the wimmen from him as much as he can. And take him with them clothes of hisen, and that curius lookin hair and whiskers all round his chin, and up the sides of his face, he is as sepulchral and singular a lookin a chap as I ever laid eyes on. He is a bachelder, Kellup is, not from necessity, he says, but because he has found it so hard to select one from the surroundin wimmen that want him. He has told me that the two main reasons why he didn t marry, one was, he found it so awful hard to select one out of so many, and the other, it was so tryin to WHY HE DIDN T MARRY. 61 him to hurt the feelins of them he would have to slight if he made a choice. Why, he talked with me about it over two years ago. He was in to our house one day, and Josiah had been a attin him about his not gettin married, and after Josiah went out, he talked to me confidential. I s pose it is that sort of a noble, lofty look, to my face, that makes folks confide in me so much. Says he, "I am tender-hearted, Josiah Allen s wife. I am too tender-hearted for my own good. There is so many wimmen that want me, and it would cut me, it would cut me like a knife to have to disapinte so many." He stopped here for me to say sunthin , and I re marked, in a sort of a dry tone, that I wouldn t worry about em, if I was in his place." " Wall," says he, " I shouldn t worry, if I was like some men. I should slash right in and marry, without payin any attention to other wimmens feelin s. But if I should kill half a dozen wimmen or so, Josiah Allen s wife, I feel that I never should forgive myself." Here he stopped agin, and I see that he wanted me to say sunthin ; and not knowin exactly what to say, I said sort o mechanically, without really thinkin what I was a sayin , that it would be a good stroke of busi ness for his father. " Yes," says he, " but the profits we should make . wouldn t much more than half pay me for the feelin s I should have a thinkin I was the means of their dyin off. 62 TENDER-HEARTEDNESS. " Why," says he, takin out his pocket handkerchief and wipin his forward, till the room smelt as strong as a peppermint sling, " there haint a woman in Joncsville but what would jump at the chance of marryin of me. But they mustn t calculate too strong on it. I wouldn t be the one to tell em right out plain that there wasn t no hopes of gettin me. That would be a little too heartless and cold-blooded in me. But they mustn t build up too high castles in the air about it, for I may not marry at all. " Like as not you wont," says I, speakin not quite so mekanikle, but with considerable more meanin . " I shouldn t wonder a mite if you didn t." " No," says he, foldin his arms and lookin haugh tily at a picture of a woman over the wood-box. " No ; the thing of it is I am so tender-hearted, and hate so to cause sufferin . " I can t," says he, knittin up his eyebrows (they was a kind of a olive green that day), "I can t marry all the wimmen that want me. That is a settled thing. Anybody with half a mind can see that. I can t do it. And so what would the result be if I should make a choice, and marry one. One woman made happy, and cruelty, wanton, bloody cruelty, to all other wimmen fur and near. Would that one woman s happiness," says he, knittin up his eye-brows as hard as I ever see any knit, and I have seen some considerable hard knittin in my day, " would that one woman s hap piness go anywhere near makin up for the agony that CRUELTY, WANTON CRUELTY. 63 would rack the breasts of other wimmen, and tear their heart-strings all to flitters ? That is the ques tion," says he, lookin gloomily into the wood-box, THE WOMAN QUESTION. " that is wearin on me night and day, and what shall I do to do right ? " " Wall," says I, " I can t advise you. I wouldn t marry, if I thought it was a goin to kill ten or a dozen ; and I wouldn t marry anyway, unless I got a chance." " Chance ! " says he haughtily. " Why, there haint a woman in the country but what would jump to have 64 KEPT HIS DIGNITY. me ; that is," says he in a reasonable tone, " if they wasn t too old to jump, or wasn t disabled in some way, rheumatiz, or sunthin, or sprains. They all want me." " Why," says I, tryin to chirk him up, and make him feel better, "I thought it was right the other way. I thought you had got the mitten more n a dozen times. There was Polly Bambcr" " Oh, well. Polly Bambcr loved me to distraction. She tried to conceal it from me. She refused me, thinkin it would make me fiercer to marry her. But she got fooled. I only asked her three times. She was waitin for the fourth, and I spose she was as dis- apintcd as a girl ever was. I was sorry for her ; my heart fairly ached for her ; but I had a man s dignity to keep up, and I left her." " Wall, there was Betsey Gowdey." " Betsey would have had me in a minute, if it hadn t been for influences that was brought to bear on her. She just as good as told me so. I s pose she felt awfully to lose me ; but she bore up under it better than I thought she would. I thought like as not she would break completely down under it." "Wall," says I, tryin my best to chirk him up, " there was Mahala Grimshaw, and Martha Ann Snyder, and Jane Boden, and Serena Rumsey, and Serepta Mandagool." " Them girls was sorry enough, when it was too late. They lost me, every one of them girls did, by THE DESERTED. 65 puttin on airs and pre- tendin not to want me. Pretendin to make fun of me, jest for an out side show. I see right through it. But I took em at their word, and when they said they wouldn t have me, I jest left em, and paid no attention to what they suffered after I left. Sometimes I have thought that mebby I was too harsh with em, to punish em so ; but I did it, and I d do it agin if it was to do over. They no need to have been so deceitful. They might expect to suffer for it, and I am glad they did." "There was Nabby Ellis," says I dreamily. "Oh, Nabby was all right. It was envy and jealousy that broke that up. Sam Larkins jest 3* 66 NABBY ALL RIGHT. filled her ears about me, I know he did ; if he hadn t, and hadn t married her himself, Nabby would have gin her ears to have had me. I think she thinks more of me to day than she does of Sam ; but I keep out of her way all I can ; I don t want to harrow up her feelin s. I am a young man of principle, if there ever was one. " Now I know of several married wimmcn that I am obleeged to treat cool and distant, for their own good. What good would it do me ? " says he, knittin up his eyebrows agin. " What good could it do me for a lot of married wimmen to get over head and ears in love with me ? They know they can t get me. And though they may feel hurt at my coldness at the time, when they come to think it over they must know I am actin for their good in the long run, by bein cold and distant to em, and tryin my best to wean em from me. " Some young men don t seem to have no idee or care about the sufferin they cause on every side of em. They will trample right round over female hearts, as if there wusn t no more fcelin in em than in tan bark, and as if it didn t hurt em and bruise em to tread on cm. But it haint my way. I don t think a young man can be too careful about such things. W T hy, I am so careful and conscientious that if I thought it was necessary for females peace of mind, and the good of surroundin wimmen, I would be willin to wear a veil over my face the hull time." GUIDED BY PRINCIPLE. 67 I looked him full and keen in the face, over the top of my specks, and told him calmly that I didn t think it was necessary. " Wall," says he, " I am jest that tender-hearted, that I would do it. I am too tender hearted for my own good. I know that very well. Now I want to get married, I want to badly ; but there them two reasons stand, right in front of me, headin me off. It haint the expense of keepin a wife that holds me back, for I could more than make her pay her way, doin the housework for fa ther and me and five workmen. No, it is clear principle that is headin me off. I may get reckless after a while." Says he, with a sort of a bitter mean onto him : " I may get so carried away with some girl s looks, and so 68 A SORROWFUL RIDE. hankerin after matrimony, that I shall forget my con science and principle, and slash right in and marry her, and let the other wimmen go to wrack and ruin. But then agin when I think what the consequences would probable be, why then I tremble." And he kinder shook some as if he had a chill. Says he: "When I think of Jane Sofier Burpy. When I think what my feelin s was as I drove her hearse to the buryin -ground. When I think how I felt durin that ride why, I think I will never meddle again with any women, in any way, shape, nor man ner- When I think how she wilted right down like a untimely flower cut down by the destroyer." "Why," says I, "she died with a bile; that was what ailed her, a carbuncle on her back." " Yes," says he, with a unbelievin look on his face, " so the doctors said ; so the cold world said. But I think it was sunthin deeper." " Why," says I, " a bile couldn t go no deeper than her n went. It was dreadful. It was the death of her." Says he : " I have always had my own idee of what ailed her. I know what that idee is, and I know what a guilty conscience is. I wuzn t careful enough. I didn t mean no harm to her, Heaven knows I didn t. But I wuzn t careful enough. I boarded two weeks with her mother the spring before she died. And I can see now where I missed it, where I did wrong. I wuzn t offish enough to her. I treated her too friendly. HOW JANE WAS ROPED IN. ONGUARDED MOMENTS. 71 I was off my guard, and didn t notice how my attrac tions was bein too much for her. "I paid her little attentions to the table, such as passin* her the mashed-up potatoes and the beans. I talked with her, more or less. Once L helped her hang out the clothes-line. I brought her letters from the post-office. Twice I helped her into a wagon. I was onguarded. I think then was the time I give her her death-blow." And oh I what a harrow in and re morseful look he did cast into that wood-box, as he said this. She died in the fall. And my feelin s durin" that fall I shall never forget, If that thing should happen agin, and my feelin s prey on me as they preyed then, I couldn t stand it through more than seven or eight more such cases. I know I couldn t. I have been careful since then. When I m obliged to board now THE DEATH BLOW. 72 WHERE THE STICK IS. I don t board in any house where there is a woman under seventy-five years of age. And sometimes I am most afraid it is resky then. And agin he looked as gloomy at that wood-box as I ever see a box looked at. And he waited a minute or two. Mebby he waited for me to say sunthin but I didn t say it, and he kep on : "Several times sense that -I have started up, and thought that I would marry anyway, and leave the result. But it has seemed to be broke up every time providential, and I d make up my mind in the end not to have em. But after awhile agin I will start up, and almost make my mind up, that marry I will, no matter what the result may be. But there it is agin ; I am too tender-hearted. That is where the stick is with me. J know jest how skurce men are, and how wimmen feel towards em. I know jest how they get their minds sot on em, and how they feel to loose em. I have got principle, Josiah Allen s wife. I am prin ciple clear to the back-bone." " Wall," says I, " I don t know but you be. I can t dispute you, not knowin how it is." " It may end," says he, with a bitter look at the woman over the wood-box, " it may end by my not marryin at all. But if I don t marry, where will the blame lie?" Says he, speakin up louder and more excited than he had spoke up : U I have been blamed; blamed in public places; SHIRKING HIS DUTY. 73 right in the grocery, and on the post-office steps; blamed by the trustees of the public school ; blamed by the old man that keeps the children s toy-store; blamed by the census man for shiftlessness, and slack- ness, in not increasin the population. " But where does the blame rest? Is it with me, or with the wimmen that act so like furyation that it is impossible for me to make a choice amongst em? "If I should tell them men that the reason I had lived along, year after year, without marryin was that I was so tender-hearted, they would laugh at me." "I hain t a doubt of it," says I heartily and decid edly. "Yes, they would hoot at me, so little can they enter into such a heart as mine. But I can t always live along in this way. Some day there may be a change. I give wimmen warnin that there may be." And so he went on for two hours, if it was a min ute. Repeatin it over and over agin, till I was as sick as a doo; of hcarin of it. But knowin he was talkin to O me in confidence, I didn t want to come right out plain, and tell him what I thought of him. But I was glad enough when he got through and started off of his own accord. But since Kitty come he has been to our house more than ever. He has acted crazy as a loon about her. Though true to his principle, he asked Josiah the other day, " if consumption run in her family, and if he 74 LITERARY FEASTS. thought it would go too hard with her if he didn t make up his inind to marry her." Old Cobb is well off, but 3^ s , r he and Kellup works hard, L& and fares liard. They stent themselves on clothes, and I don t s pose they allow themselves hardly enough to eat and drink. And all the literary feasts and recreations they allow themselves is to set round in stores and groceries, on dry-goods boxes and butter- A JUDGMENT SEAT. A TUCKERIN JOB. 75 tubs, a-findin fault with the government, spittin tobacco-juice at the stove, and fixin the doom of sin ners. Kellup is harder on em than the old man is. Old Cobb thinks there won t be more n half the world saved ; Kellup thinks there won t be more than a quar ter, if there is that. They argue powerful. Have come to hands and blows frequent. And once Kellup knocked the old man down, he was so mad and out of patience to think the old man couldn t see as he see about the Judgment, You know there is sights and sights said on that sub ject now and wrote on it ; and Kellup and the old man will borrow books and papers that are wrote on it, some on one side and some on the other, and then they ll quarrel agin over them. And they ve tried to draw me into their arguments time and agin. But I have told em that I was a master hand to work where I \vas needed most, and I didn t seem to be needed so much a judgin the world, and settlin on jest how many was a goin to be saved or lost, as I did a mindin my own business, and try in to read my own title clear to mansions in the skies. Says I : "I find it a tuck- erin job to take care of one sinner as she ort to be took care of, and it would make me ravin crazy if I had to take care of the hull universe." It fairly makes me out of patience, when there is so much work our Master sot for us to do for His sake, it fairly makes me mad to see folks refuse to do a mite of that work, but tackle jobs they hain t sot to tackle. 76 OUR TRUE BUSINESS. Why, the Lord don t, like a good many human bein s, ask impossibilities of us. He only wants us to do the best we can with what we have got to do with, and He will help us. He never refused help to a earnest, strugglin soul yet. But He don t calculate nor expect us to judge the world, I know He don t. Why, our Saviour said, in that hour when it seemed as if the God and the man was both speakin from a heart full of a human longin for love and a divine pity and tenderness for sorrowful humanity, He said, "If you love me, feed my ::heep." He said it twice over, earnest and impressive. He meant to have it heard and understood. And once He said, sccmin ly so afraid the childcrn wouldn t be took care of, " Feed my lambs." That is a good plain business, tryin to feed them every way, doin our best to satisfy all their hunger, soul and body. That is the work He wants us to do, but He never gave a hint that He wanted us to judge the world. But He said out plain and square more n once, "Judge not. " Then what makes folks try to do it ? What makes em pass right by flocks and flocks of sheeps needy and perishin every way, pass right by these little lambs of Christ, hungry and naked, stumblin right over em without pick in of em up? Why, they might fall right over quantities of dead sheeps and dyin lambs, and not know it, they are so rampent and determined on tacklin jobs they hain t sot to tackle, crazy and sot on judgin* the world. A MOMENTIOUS QUESTION. 77 Why, everybody says they never did see such a time as it is now for arguin and fightin back and forth on that subject. Why, the papers are full of it. "Is there a Hell ? " And " How deep is it ? " And " How many are a goin there?" And "How long are they a goin to stay?" Books are wrote on it, and lectures are lectured, and sermons are preached on both sides of the Atlantic ; and Kellup and his father are by no means the only ones who get mad as hornets if any body disputes em in their views of the Judgment. But I am glad enough that I don t feel that way, for it would make me crazy as a loon if I thought I was sot to judge one soul, let alone the universe. Why, how under the sun would I go to work to judge that one soul, and do it right ? I could see some of the outward acts, ketch glimpses of the outside self. But how could I unlock that secret door that shuts in the real person, how could I get inside that door that the nearest and the dearest never peeked through, that God only holds the key to the secret recesses of the immortal soul and behold the unspeakable, the soarin desires, and yearnin s, and divine aspirations the good and true intentions the dreams and visions of immor tal beauty, and purity, and goodness and the secret thoughts that are sin the unfolded scarlet buds of wrong, and the white folded buds of purity and holy- nesses, each waiting for the breath of circumstance, of change, and what we call chance, to unfold and blos som into beauty or hejusness? How could my eyes 78 A MYSTERIOUS SOUL. see if I should put on em the very strongest spectacles earthly wisdom could make how could they behold all the passion and the glory, the despair and the rapture, the winge d hopes and faiths, the groveling, petty fears and cares, the human and the divine, the eternal wonder and mystery of a soul ? And if I could once ketch a glimpse of this that I never shall see, nor nobody else if I could once get inside the mystery of a mind, how could I judge it right ? How could I go to work at it ? How could I tackle it? Good land, it makes me sweat jest to think on t. How could I test the strength of that mighty network of resistless influences that draws that soul by a million links up toward Goodness and down toward Evil binds it to the outside world, and the spiritual and divine ? How could I get a glimpse of that unseen yet terrible chain of circumstances, the inevit able, that wraps that soul almost completely round? How could I ever weigh, or get the right heft if I could weigh em, of all the individual tendencies, inherited traits, sins, and goodnesses that press down upon that soul ? How could I tell how the affections, powerful critters as I ever see, was a drawin it one way, and where ? and how fur ? And ambitions and worldly desires, how they was a hawlin it another way, and where to? and when? How true, noble aims and holy desires was pushin it one way, and ignoble impulses, petty aims and littleness, self-seekin , and vainglory was givin it a shove the other way ? Good land ! if I FALSE STEPS. 79 could see all these, and see em plain which no one ever can or will but if I could, how could I ever sort em out, and mark em with their right name and heft, and calculate how far they was adrawin and ainflu- encin that soul, and how fur it had power to resist? How could the eyes of my spectacles ever see jest how fur down into the depths of that soul shone the Divine Ideal, the holy, stainless image of what we pray to be, and jest how fur the mists that rise up from our earthly soil darken and blind that light? Good land! I couldn t do it, nor Josiah, nor nobody. We are blind creeters, the fur-seein est of us ; weak creeters, when we think we are the strong-mi ndedest. Now, when we hear of a crime, it is easy to say that the one who committed that wrong stepped flat off from goodness into sin, and should be hung. It is so awful easy and sort o satisfactory to condemn other folks es faults that we don t stop to think that it may be that evil was fell into through the weakness and blindness of a mistake. Jest as folks fall down sul- ler lots of times a gropin round in the dark tryin to find the outside door, and can t. Doin their best to get out where it is lighter, out into the free air of Heaven, and first they know, entirely unbeknown to them, they open the wrong door, and there they are down suller, dark as pitch, and mebby with a sore and broken head. And if a wrong is done wilfully, with a purpose, it is easy to think of nothin but the wrong, and not give 80 THE ALL-SEEING EYE. a thought to what influences stood behind that soul, a pushin it off into sin. Early influences, sinful teachin s drunk down eagerly before the mind could seperate the evil from the good. Criminal inherit ances of depraved tastes, and wayward and distorted intellect, wretched, depressing surroundings, lack of all comfort, hope, faith in God or man, ignorance, blind despair, all a standin behind that soul pushin it for ward into a crime. And then when we read of some noble, splendid act of generosity, our souls burn within us, and it is easy to say, the one who did that glorious deed should be throned and crowned with honor not thinkin how, mebby unbeknown to us, that act was the costly and glitterin varnish coverin up a whited sepulchre. That deed was restin on self-seekin , ambitious littleness. Yes, we are blind creeters. And there is but One who holds the key to the terror, the glory, and the mystery of a soul. He, only, can see and judge. He whose age is ageless, and who can therefore alone judge of the mighty flood of influences that pour down upon the soul from that ageless past, swayin it with mysterious power. He whose life fills that boundless future Eternity He alone knows the strength of those mighty forces drawin us thither. He who sees the unseen whose eyes can alone pierce the clouds that close so dark about us, and behold the host of shadowy forms that surround us on every side, angels and demons, things present, things to come, THE LOVING ONE. 81 life, and death, and every other creature He only knows their power over us. He who alone knows the meaning of life, the mystery of our creation. And all that keeps me from bein ravin distracted in even meditatin on this is to calm myself down on this thought, that there is One who knows all. And He alone can judge of what He alone can see. He, the just and loving One, will do right with the souls He made. Why, if I didn t lean up against that thought, and lean heavy, I should tottle and wobble round to that extent that I should fall to pieces be a perfect wrack and ruin in no time. And another thought that gives me sights of comfort is, He don t need none of my help in judgin the world. And if I was ever glad of anything in my life, I am glad of that. Why, in my opinion, it is irreverent, the very height of audacity, to dare to affirm what shall be the doom of a single sou). Then to think of the countless millions on earth, and who sleep in its bosom and the countless, count less worlds that fill endless and boundless space, the unnumbered hosts of the ageless past, and the endless future the Eternity and jest to speak that word almost takes away my breath and then to think of us, poor, blind little aunts, on a aunt-hill, deciding on this mighty mystery, writin books, preachin ser mons, givin lectures, one way and another, judgin the fate of these souls, and where they are goin to, and quarrelin over it. In my opinion it would be 82 GETTIN ONE S NAME UP. better for us to spend some of the breath we waste in this way in prayer to Him who is Mighty, for help in right living. Or, if we can t do any better with it, let us spend a very little of it, mebby i of it, in coolin porridge for the starvin ones right round us ; that would be better than to spend it as we do do, in beatin the air, quarrelin on who is goin to be saved, and how many. Them s my idees, but, howsomever, everybody to their own mind. But good land ! I am a eppisodin , and a eppisodin , beyond the patience of anybody. And to rcsoom and proceed : As I was a sayin of Kellup and his father, I s pose there s lots of things said about em that there hain t no truth in. Now I don t believe that they chaw spruce-gum for dinner, and eat snow and icicles in the time of em not to make a stiddy practice of it. Why, they couldn t stand it, not for any length of time. But you know when anybody gets their name up for any particular thing, it is dretful easy don t take hardly a mite of strength to histe it up a little higher. But I see this myself, with my own eye. Last Thanksgivin I was in the meat-shop to Joncs- ville, a buyin a turkey, and some lamb, and oysters, and things. I was goin to have the childern home to dinner. And Kellup come in, and said his father thought it was such hard times they wouldn t try to keep Thanksgivin this year. But he told his father it showed a ungrateful heart for all the mercies and ben efits that had been bestowed on ? em durin the year, A THANKSGIVING DINNER. 83 and it was settin a bad example to sinners round ? em to not celebrate it ; so he had carried the day, and they was goin to swing right out, and buy half a pound of fresh beef, and celebrate. And he bought it, and beat the butcher half a cent on that. I think myself that he is as tight as the bark t SWINGIN OUT. to a tree, but I don t believe he is any tighter. But they say he is as tight agin. Like myself and Josiah, Kellup is a member of the Methodist meetin -housc. And he is a dretful case to exhort other folks. And jest like them that don t do nothin ? themselves, that never did a noble, generous 84 KELLUP AS A EXHORTER. act in their lives, he is a great case to talk about other folks es duty. And jest like them that are too stingy to draw a long breath for fear of wearin out their lungs, he is a great case to talk about other folks es givin . If anybody has decent clothes and vittles, he is always talkin about their extravagance, and how much they could do for the sufferin poor round em with the money. And a man could starve to death right on the road in front of him, and all he would do would be to stop that hearse, and exhort him from the top of it. Not a cent would he give if the man died right there in under the hearse. I despise such Christians, and I always shall; and there are lots of em all round us, who are always talkin about workin for Christ, and all the work they do is with their tongues. I say such religion is vain; empty as tinglin brass, and soundin thimbles. From the time he wore roundabouts, Kcllup s father promised him that jest as quick as he got big enough he should drive that hearse, and it has lifted him up, that hearse has, and always made him feel above the other boys. He has always seemed to think that was the highest station in life he could get up onto. We all think that the reason he comes to see Kitty on it, is he thinks he looks more stately and imposin on it than he would walkin afoot. And when the childern, the little Jonesvillians, hoot at him, and make all manner of fun of him, he thinks they envy him, and it A COB(B) WITHOUT CORX. GREAT FUN FOR KITTY, 87 makes him act haughtier than ever, and more proud spirited, and stiff-necked. As I say, I feel bad, and I take Kitty to do about it every time I see her a most. And she ll say: "Oh, Auntie! it is too rich ! " And she ll laugh, and kiss me, and coax me not to be cross about it, till she makes most as big a fool of me as she does of Kellup, and I tell her so. But I stand firm, and try to make her feel a KITTY S KISS. realizm sense how it looks to have a hearse standin round pro- miscous every few days, hitched to our front gate. It is a solemn thing to me. And would be to anybody who looked at things serious and solemn. Most every subject has several sides to it, and some has more n 20. And folks ort to tutor themselves to hold a subject right up in their hands, and look on 88 A GOOD JOB, every side of it. But Kitty don t try to. The humorous side of things is the side she meditates on. And" she thinks that Kellup s travelin round after her on that hearse has a funny side to it. But I can t see it. It is a solemn thing to me to see it drive up to our gate any time o day, and be hitched there, while he comes in and tries to court her. Why, it looks fairly wicked to me, and I tell her so. And then she ll giggle and laugh, and make a perfect fool of Kellup. Or, that is, improve on the job ; for truly Nater helped her power ful at his birth. Nater did a good job in that line in the fool line. Though you couldn t make him think he was most a fool, or leanin heavy that way, not if you should drive the fact into his head with a hammer. It is one of the hardest things in the world to make folks believe. They ll own up to bein a fool twice as quick. But as I say, it worries me most to death. And there is only jest one thing that keeps me from comin right out and puttin a stop to it, and tellin Kellup she is a foolin of him. I have meditated on it power ful. And sometimes I have thought that he needs such a affliction. Sometimes I have thought that, bein so overbearin , and haughty, and big-feelin , that such a takin down is what he needs to lift him up (morally) . But though that principle holds up my spirit, it is a hard trial to my spirit, and to the eye of my spectacles. And I ll say to Josiah, every time I see him drive up, WHAT JOSIAH KNEW. 89 and groan loud as I say it : "I should think he d know better than to go a courtin with a hearse." But he says: "Keep still; it don t hurt you any, does it?" That man enjoys it. He has wicked streaks, and I tell him so. And says I : "Josiah Allen, you don t seem to know what sol emnity is, or what wickedness is." And he says: "1 know what a dumb fool is." And that is all the help I can get. And 1 s pose I shall have to let it go on. But I feel like death about it. When lie comes here, and Kitty don t happen to be here, he will always begin to exhort me on religion. He is the disagreeablest, self-righteousest creeter I ever see, and that I won t deny. " Oh," says he to me yesterday there had been a funeral up by here, and when he came back he hitched the hearse, and come in. And he began to exhort me, and says he : "I have been a thinkin of it all day, how glad I am that salvation is free." I felt wore out with him, and says I : " Well you may be glad. For if it wasn t free, you wouldn t have any not a mite. You wouldn t either if you had to pay a cent for it." Before he could say anything, Kitty come in. She had been out to the barn with Josiah to feed the sheep. She looked like a blush-rose ; her eyes a dancin and a sparklin . And Kellup acted spoonier than any spoon I have got on my buttery shelves. JOSIAH GOES INTO BUSINESS. TOSIAH Allen has got a sort of a natural hankerin fJ after makin money easy. A sort of a speculatin turn to his mind, which most men have. But not hav- in the other ingregienees that go with it to make it a suecess, his speculations turn out awful, 2 episodes of which I will relate and set down. One pleasant evenin Josiah had jest got back from earryin 1 Kitty Smith to Tirzah Ann s. Tirzali Ann had sent for her to stay a spell with her. And Josiah had got back and put the horses out, and sot by the fire a meditatin to all outward appearance. When all of a sudden he broke out and says : Samantha, 1 love to make money easy." "Do you?" says 1, in a mechanicle way, for I was bindin off the heel of a sock of hisen, and my mind was sort o* drawed out by that heel, and strained. " Yes," says he, crossin his legs, and lookin dretful wise at me, "Yes, I love to, like a dog. I love to kinder speculate." (90) THE FIRST SPECULATION. 91 I had bound off the last stitch, and my mind bein free it soared up noble agin, and 1 says firmly and impressively : " Good, honest hard work is the best speculation I ever went into, Josiah Allen." "Yes," says he, with that same dretful wise look, " wimmen naterally feel different about these things. Wimmen haint got such heads onto em as we men have got. We men love to make money by a speck. We love to get rich by head work." I jest give one look onto his bald head, a strange, searchin look, that seemed to go right through his brains and come out the other side. I didn t say any thing, only jest that look, but that spoke (as it were) loud. He looked kinder meachin , and hastened to ex plain. "I am goin to fix up that old house of our n, Samantha, and rent it," says he. "I am goin to make piles and piles of money out of it, besides the comfort we can take a neighborin ." "And," says he, "1 love to to neighbor, Samantha I love to deerly." Says I in calm tones, but firm: "There are worse neighbors, Josiah Allen, than them that are livin in the old house now." "Livin there now?" says he. And his eyes stood out from i to a i a inch in surprise and horrer. "Yes," says I, "you ll find, Josiah Allen, that take it right along from day to day, and from year to year, 92 WIMMEN S BRAINS. that there are worse creeters to neighbor with than Peace, and Quiet, and Repose." "Dummit! scare a man to death, will you?" Says I : " Stop swearin to once, Josiah Allen, and instantly!" My mean was lofty and scareful, and he stopped. But he went on in a firm and obstinate axent : "I am determined to fix up that house and rent it. Wimmen can t see into business. They haint got the brains for it. You haint to blame for it, Samantha, but you haint got the head to see how profitable I am goin to make it. And then our nearest neighbors live now well onto a quarter of a mile away. How neat it will be to have neighbors right here by us, all the time, day and night." And agin he says dreamily: "If I ever loved anything in this world, Samantha, I love to neighbor." But I held firm, and told him he d better let well enough alone. But he was sot as sot could be, and went on and fixed up the house. It was a old house right acrost the road from our n. One that was on the place when we bought it. All shackly and run down; nobody had lived in it for years. And I knew it wouldn t pay to spend money on it. But good land! he wouldn t hear a word to me. He went on a fixin it, and it cost him nearer a hundred dollars than it did anything else besides lamin himself, and blisterin his hands to work on it himself, and fillin his eyes JOSIAH FEELS NEAT. 93 with plaster, and gettin creeks in his back, a liftin round and repairin . B ut he felt neat through it all. It seemed as if the more money he laid out, and the worse he got hurt, the more his mind soared up, a lottin on how much money he was goin to make a rentin it, and what a beautiful time he was a goin to enjoy a neighborin . He would talk about neighborin most the hull time days, and would roust me up nights if he happened to think of any new and happifyin idea on the subject. Till if ever I got sick of any word in the hull dictionary, I got sick of that. Well, jest as quick as the house was done, and he pushed the work on rapid and powerful, fairly drove it, he was in such 94 SECURING A TENANT. a hurry, nothin to do but lie must set off huntiii up a renter, for he couldn t seem to wait a minute. I told him to keep cool. Says I " You ll make money by it if you do." But no ! he couldn t wait till somebody come to him. He wouldn t hear a word to me. He d throw wim- mcn s heads in my face, and say they was week, and wuzn t like men s. He was so proud and haughty about the speck he had gone into, and the piles and piles of money he was goin to make, that once or twice he told me that 1 hadn t no head at all. And then he d hitch up the old marc, and go off a huntin round and cnquirin . And finally one day he come home from Jones villc tickled to death sccminly. He d found a family and engaged em Jonathan Spinks cs folks. They was to Joncsvillc a stayin with Miss Spinks es sister, Sam Thrasher s wife, and they had hcerd of Josiah s huntin round ; so they hailed him as he was a goin by, and engaged it, made the bargain right there on the spot. And as I said, he was tickled to death almost, and says to me in a highlarius axent: " They are splendid folks, Samantlia." Says I in very cold tones: "Arc they the Spinkses that used to live to Zoar?" " Yes," says he. "And they arc a beautiful family, and I have made a splendid bargain. 50 dollars a year for the house and garden. What do you think now? 1 never should have known they was a lookin A AGRAVATIN ACTION. 95 for a house if I hadn t been a enquirin round. What do you think now about my keepin cool?" Says I mildly, but firmly : " My mind haint changed from what it wuz more formally." " Wall, what do you think now about my lettin the old house run down, when I can make 50 dollars a year, clear gain, besides more n three times that in solid comfort a-neighberin ? " Says 1, firm as a rock, " My mind hain t changed, Josiah Allen, so much as the width of a horsehair." " Wall," says he, " I always said wimmen hadn t no heads, I always knew it. But it is agravatin , it is dumb agravatin , when anybody has done the head- work I have done, and made such a bargain as I have made, to not have anybody s wife appreciate it. And I should think it was about time to have supper, if you are goin to have any to-night." I calmly rose and put on the teakettle, and never disputed a word with him whether I had a head or not. Good land ! I knew I had one, and what was the use of arguin about it? And I didn t say nothin more about his bargain, for I see it wouldn t do no good. Twas all settled, and the writin s drawed. But I kep up a severe thinkin . I had heard of Spinks es folks before. It had come right straight to me. Miss Ebenezer Gowdey, she that was Nabby Widrick, her nephew s wive s step-mother, old Miss Tcoler, had lived neighber to em. And Miss Tooler told Nabby, and Nabby told me, that they was shiftless 96 SMOKED OUT. creeters. But when bargains are all made, it is of no use tryin to convince Josiahs. And I knew if I should tell Josiah what I had heard he d only go to arguin agin that I hadn t no head. So I didn t say nothin . And the next day they moved in. It seems they had brought all their things to Thrashers es. They said the house they had been livin in to Zoar was so uncomfortable they couldn t stay in it a day longer. But we heard af- terwards Miss Tooler told Nab by Gowdey with her own lips that they was smoked out. The man that owned Hie house smoked em out to get rid of em. ARRIVAL OF THE BPINKSES. CALLIN ON THE SPINKSES. 97 Wall, as I said, they come. Mr. Spink, Ins wife, and liis wife s sister (she was Irish), and the childern. And oh ! how neat Josiah Allen did feel. He was over there before they had hardly got sot down, and offered to do anything under the sun for em, and offered em everything we had in the house. I, myself, kep cool and collected together. Though I treated em in a liberal way, and in the course of two or three days I made em a friendly call, and acted well towards em. But instead of runnin over there the next day, and two or three times a day, I made a practice of stayin to home considerable ; and Josiah took me to do for it. But I told him I treated them exactly as I wanted them to treat me. Says I, " A mejum course is the best course to pursue in nearly every enterprise in life, neighberin especially. I begin as I can hold out. I lay out to be kind and friendly to cm, but I don t intend to make it my home with them, nor do 1 want them to make it their home with me. Once in two or three days is enough, and enough, Josiah Allen, is as good as a feast." " Wall," says he, " if I ever enjoyed anything in this world I enjoy neighberin with them folks. And they think the world of me. It beats all how they worship me. The childern take to me so, they don t want me out of their sight hardly a minute. Spink and his wife says they think it is in my looks. You know I am pretty lookin , Samantha. They say the 98 A ALLEGORY ON FRIENDSHIP. baby will cry after me so quick. It beats all what friends we have got to be, I and the Spinkses, and it is agravatin , Samantha, to think you don t seem to feel towards em that strong friendship that I feel." Says I, " Friendship, Josiah Allen, is a great word. True friendship is the most beautiful thing on earth ; it is love without passion, tenderness without alloy. And," says I, soarin up into the realm of allegory, where, on the feathery wings of pure eloquence, I fly frequent, " Intimacy hain t friendship. Two men may sleep together, year after year, on the same feather-bed, and wake up in the mornin , and shake hands with each other,, perfect strangers, made so unbeknown to them. And feather-beds, nor pillers, nor nothin can t bring cm no nigher to each other. And they can keep it up from year to year, and lock arms and prominade together through the day, and not get a mite closer to each other. They can keep their bodies side by side, but their souls, who can tackle em together, unless nature tackled em, unbe known to them ? Nobody. And then, agin, two per sons may meet, comin from eacli side of the world ; and they will look right through each other s eyes down into their souls, and see each other s image there ; born so, born friends, entirely unbeknown to them. Thousands of milds apart, and all the inspera- tions of heaven and earth ; all the influences of life, education, joy, and sorrow, has been fitting them for YOKED BUT NOT MATED. A FILISOFICAL FACT. 1Q1 each other (unbeknown to them): twin souls, and they not knowin of it." " Speakin of twin " says Josiah. But I was soarin too high to light down that minute. So 1 kep on, though his interruption was a-lowerin me down gradual. " There is a great filisofical fact right here, Josiah Allen," says I, tryin to bring down and fit the idee to my pardner s comprehension, for it is ever my way to try to convince, as well as to soar in oritory. " You may yoke up the old mare and the brindle cow together and drive em year after year in a buggy. But you can t make that horse into a cow, or make that old cow whinner. It can t be done. And two wimmen may each of em have half a shear, and think they will screw em together and save property, and cut some with em. But if one of them halves is 2 or 3 inches shorter than the other, and narrower, how .be they goin to cut with em ? All the screws and wrenches in creation can t do no more than hold em together. It hain t no use if they wuzn t made to fit each other in the first place, unbeknown to them." Says I, " Some folks are j ined together for life in jest that way, drawn together by some sort of influence, worldly considerations, blind fancy, thoughtlessness, and the minister s words fasten em, jest as. these shears was. But good land ! after the vapory, dreamy time of the honeymoon is passed through, and the heavy, solid warp and woof of life lays before em for 102 A. TWIN SOUL. them to cut a path through it, they ll find out whether they fit each other or not. And if they don t, it is tejus business for em, ex tremely tejus, and they ll find it out so." " Speakin of twin " says Josiah. His persistent and stiddy f ollerin up of his own train of thought, and the twin, was lowerin me down now aw ful fast, and says I, sort o concludin up, " Be good and kind to everybody, and Mr. Spinks es folks, as you have opportunity ; but before you make bosom friends JOSIAH NEIGHBOKS. MISS SPINK NEIGHBORS. 103 of em, wait and see if your soul speaks." Says I, firmly, " Mine don t, in this case." " Speakin of twin," says Josiah agin, " Did you ever see so beautiful a twin as Mr. Spinks es twin is ? What a pity they lost the mate to it ! Their ma says it is perfectly wonderful the way that babe takes to me. I held it all the while she was ironiii , this fore noon. And the two boys foller me round all day, tight to my heels, instead of their father. Spink says they think I am the prettiest man they ever see, almost perfectly beautiful." I give Josiah Allen a look full in his face, a curious look, very searchin and peculiar. But before I had time to say anything, only jest that look, the door opened, and Spinks es wive s sister come in unex pected, and said that Miss Spink wanted to borrow the loan of ten pounds of side pork, a fine comb, some flour, the dish-kettle, and my tooth-brush." I let her have em all but the tooth brush, for I was determined to use em well. And Josiah didn t like it at all because I didn t let that go. And he said in a fault-findin , complainin axent "that I didn t seem to want to be sociable." And I told him that " I thought borrowin a tooth brush was a little too sociable." And he most snapped my head off, and muttered about my not bein neighborly, and that I didn t feel a mite about neighborin as he did. And I made a vow, then and there (inside of my mind) , that I wouldn t 104 A KIND LANDLORD. say a word to Josiah Allen on the subject, not if they borrowed us out of house and home. Thinkses I, I can stand it as long as he can ; if they spile our things, he has got to pay for new ones; if they waste our property, he has got to lose it ; if they spile our com fort, he s got to stand it as well as I have ; and, know- in the doggy obstinacy of his sect, I considered this great truth, and acted on it, that the stiller I kep , and the less I said about em, the quicker he d get sick of em; so I held firm. And never let on to Josiah but what it was solid comfort to me to have em there all the time a most ; and not have a minute I could call my own ; and have em borrow everything under the sun that ever was borrowed: garden-sass of all kinds, and the lookiii -glass, groceries, the old cat, vittles, cookin utensils, stove-pipe, a feather-bed, bol sters, bed-clothes, and the New Testament. They even borrowed Josiah s clothes. Why, Spink wore Josiah s best pantaloons more than Josiah did. He got so he didn t act as if he could stir out without Josiah s best pantaloons. He d keep a tellin that he was goin to get a new pair, but he didn t get em, and would hang onto Josiah s. And Josiah had to stay to home a number of times jest on that account. And then he d borrow Josiah s galluses. Josiah had got kinder run out of galluses, and hadn t got but one pair of sound ones. And Josiah would have to pin his pantaloons onto his vest, and the pins would lose out, and it was all Josiah could do to keep his clothes on. A BAD FIX. 105 It made it awful bad for him. I know one day, when I had a lot of company, I had to wink him out of the room a number of times, to fix himself so he would be decent. But all through it I kep still, and never said a word. I see we was loosin property fast, and had lost every mite of comfort we had enjoyed, for there was some of em there every minute of the time, a most, and some of the time two or three of em. Why, Miss Spiiik used to come over and eat breakfast with us lots of times. She d say she felt so mauger that she couldn t eat nothin to home, and she thought niebby my vittles would go to the place. And besides losin our property and comfort, I ll be hanged if I didn t think sometimes that I should lose my pardner by em, they worked him so. But I held firm. Thinkscs I to myself, it must be that Josiah will get sick of neighboring after a while, and start em off. For the sufferin s that man endured couldn t never be told nor sung. Why, before they had been there a month, as I told sister Bamber, she was to our house a visitin , and Josiah was in the buttery a clmrnm , and I knew lie wouldn t hear, says I : " They have borrowed every thing 1 have got, unless it is Josiah." And if you ll believe it, before I had got the words out of my mouth, Miss Spinks es sister opened the door, and walked in, and asked me "if I could spare Mr. Allen to help stretch a carpet." And 1 whispered to sister Bamber, and says I : "If 106 THE LAST THING. they haint borrowed the last thing now ; if they liaint borrowed Josiah." But I told the girl " to take him an welcome." (I was very polite to em, and meant to be, but cool.) BORROWIN JOSIAIT. So I took holt and done the churnin myself, and let him go. And he come home perfectly tuckered out. Wasn t good for nothin hardly for several days. He got strained somehow a pullin on that carpet. But after that they would send for him real often to help do some job. They both took as much agin lib erty with Josiah as they did with me ; they worked him down almost to skin and bones. Besides all the BPINK8ES COW A MGHT A NEIGHBORIN COW. 109 rest he suffered. Why, his cow-sufferin alone was perfectly awful. They had a cow, a high-headed creeter; as haughty a actin cow as I ever see in my life. She would hold her head right up, and walk over our fence, and tramp through the garden. I didn t know how Josiah felt about it, but I used to think myself that I could have stood it as well agin if it hadn t been so high headed. It would look so sort o independent and overbearin at me, when it was a walkin through the fence, and tramplin through the garden. Josiah always laid out his beds in the garden with a chalk-line, as square and beautiful as the pyramids, and that cow jest leveled em to the ground. They tied her up nights, but she would get loose, and start right for our premises ; seemed to take right to us, jest as the rest of em did. But I held firm, for I see that gettin up night after night, and goin out in the night air, chasin after that cow, was coolin off my companion s affection for the Spinkses. And then they kept the awfulest sight of hens. I know Josiah was dretful tickled with the idee at first, and said, "mebby we could swap with em, get into their kind of hens." And I told him in a cautious way "that I shouldn t wonder a mite if we did." Wall, them hens seemed to feel jest as the rest of the family did ; didn t seem to want to stay to home a minute, but nocked right over onto us; stayed right by us day and night; would hang round our doors and 110 THEM HENS. door-steps, and come into the house every chance they could get, daytimes; and nights, would roost right along on the door-yard fence, and the front porch, and the lilack bushes, and the pump. Why, the story got out that we was keepin a hen-dairy, and strangers who thought of goin into the busi ness would stop and holler to Josiah, and ask him if he found it profitable to keep so many hens. And I d see that man shakin his fist at em, after they would go on, he would be that mad at OUR HEN-DAIRY. JOSIAH TUHNS NURSE. Ill em. Somehow the idee of keepiii a hen-dairy was always dretful obnoxious to Josiah, though it is per fectly honorable, as far as I can see. Finally, he had made so much of em, the two boys got to thinkin so much of Josiah that they wanted to sleep with him, and he, thinkin it wouldn t be neigh borly to refuse, let em come every little while. And they kicked awfully. They kicked Josiah Allen till he was black and blue. It come tough on Josiah, but I didn t say a word, only I merely told him "that of course he couldn t expect me to sleep with the hull neighborhood," so I went off, and slept in the settin - room bedroom. It made me a sight of work, but I held firm. At last Spink and his wife, and his wife s sister, got into the habit of goin off nights to parties, and Icavin the twin with Josiah. And though it almost broke my heart to see his sufferin s, still, held up by principle, and the aim I had in view, I would go off and sleep in the settin -room bedroom, and let Josiah tussle with it. Sometimes it would have the colic most all night, and the infantum, and the snuffles. But, though I could have wept when I heerd my pard- ner a groanin and a sithein in the dead of night, and ^ a callin on heaven to witness that no other man ever had the sufferin s he was a sufferin , still, held up by my aim, I would lay still, and let it go on. It wore on Josiah Allen. His health seemed to be a runnin down ; his morals seemed to be loose and 112 JOSIAH TOTTEKS. totterin ; he would snap me up every little while as if he would take my head off; and unbeknown to him I would hear him a jawin to himself, and a shakin his fist at nothin when he was alone, and actin . But I kep cool, for though he didn t come out and say a word to me about the Spinkses, still I felt a feelin that there would be a change. But I little thought the change was so near. But one mornin to the breakfast-table, as I handed Josiah his fourth cup of coffee, he says to me, says he: " Samantha, sposen we go to Brother Barnberses to-day, and spend the day. I feel," says he, with a deep sithe, "1 feel as if I needed a change." Says I, lookin pityingly on his pale and haggard face, "you do, Josiah," and says I, "if I was in your place I would speak to Brother Bamber about the state of your morals." Says I, in a tender yet firm tone, "1 don t want to scare you, Josiah, nor twit you, but your morals seem to be a totterin ; I am afraid you are a back-slidin , Josiah Allen." He jumped right up out of his chair, and shook his fist over towards the Spinks es house, and hollered out in a loud, awful tone: "My morals would be all right if it wuzn t for them dumb Spinkses, dumb em." You could have knocked me down with a pin- feather (as it were),l was that shocked and agitated; it had all come onto me so sudden, and his tone was so loud and shameful. But before I could say a word he A RECAPITULATION. 113 went on, a shakin his fist veliementer and wilder than I ever see a fist shook : "I guess you be neighbored witli as I have been, and slept with by two wild-cats, and be kicked till you are black and blue, and mebby you d back-slide! " "Says 1: "Josiah Allen, if you don t go to see Brother Bamber to-day, Brother Bamber shall come and see you. Did I ever expect to live," says I, with a gloomy face, "to sec my pardner rampagin round worse than any pirate that ever swum the seas, and shakin his fist, and actin . I told you in the first on t, Josiah Allen, to begin as you could hold out." " What if you did?" he yelled out. " Who thought we d be borrowed out of house and home, and visited to death, and trampled over by cows, and roosted on ; who s posed they d run me over with twin, and work me down to skin and bone, and foller me round tight to my heels all day, and sleep with me nights, and make dumb lunaticks of themselves ? Dumb em ! " Says I in firm accents, " Josiah Allen, if you swear another swear to-day, I ll part with you before Squire Baker." Says I, " It betters it, don t it, for you to start up and go to swearin ." Before Josiah could answer me a word, the door opened and in come Miss Spink ses sister. They never none of em knocked, but dropped right down on us unexpected, like sun-strokes. Says she, with a sort of a haughty, independent 5 114 MORE DEMANDS. mean onto her (some like their cow s mean), and directin her conversation to Josiah : " Mr. Spink is goin to have his likeness took, to-day, and he would be glad to borrow the loan of your pantaloons and galluses. And he said if you didn t want your pantaloons to go without your boots went with em, he guessed he d wear your boots, as his had been heel-tapped and might show. And the two boys bein so took up with you, Mr. Allen, their Ma thought she d let em come over here and sleep with you while they was gone ; they didn t know but they might stay several days to her folks es, as they had heard of a number of parties that was goin to be held in that neighborhood. And knowin you hadn t no little childern of your own, she thought it might be agreeable to you to keep the twin, while they was gone and and " She hadn t got through with her speech, and I don t know what she would have tackled us for next. But the door opened without no warnin , and in come Miss Spink herself, and she said that " Spink had been urgin her to be took, too, and they kinder wanted to be took holt of hands, and they thought if Josiah and me had some kid gloves by us, they would borrow the loan of em ; they thought it would give em a more genteel, aristocratic look. And as for the childern," says she, " we shall go off feelin jest as safe and happy about em as if they was with us, they love dear Mr. Allen so." And says she with a sweet smile, " I have lived JOSIAH GETS MAD. 115 on more places than I can think of hardly we never have lived but a little while in a place, somehow the climates didn t agree with us long at a time. But never, in all the places we have lived in, have we ever had such neighbors, never, never did we take such solid comfort a-neighborin , as we do here." Josiah jumped right upon his feet, and shook his fist at her, and says he, in a more skareful tone than he had used as yet : " You have got to stop it. If you don t stop neigh- berin with me, I ll know the reason why." Miss Spink looked skairt, and agitated awful, but I laid hands on him, and says I, "Be calm, Josiah Allen, and compose yourself down." "I won t be calm!" says he; "I won t be composed down." Says I, firmly, still a-keepin between him and her, and still a-layin holt of him, " You must, Josiah ! " " I tell you I won t, Samantha ! I ll let you know," says he, a-shakin his fist at her powerful, "I ll let you know that you have run me over with twin for the last time ; I ll let you know that I have been trampled over, and eat up by cows, and roosted on, and slept with for the last time," says he, shakin both fists at at her. "You have neighbored your last neighbor with me, and I ll let you know you have." Says I, " Josiah Allen, I tell you to compose your self down." "And I tell you again, Samantha, that I won t!" 116 MEJUM COURSES. But I could see that his voice was sort o lowerin down, and I knew the worst was over. 1 spoke sort o soothin ly to him, and told him, in tender axents, that he shouldn t be neighbored with another mite ; and finally, I got him quieted down. But he looked bad in the face, and his sithes was fearful. My feelin s for that man give me strength to give Miss Spink a piece of my mind. My talk was calm, but to the purpose, and very smart. It was a very little on the allegory way. I told her jest how I felt about mejum courses ; how sweet and happyfyin it was to pursue em. Says I, " Fire is first-rate, dretful comfortin for warmin and cookin purposes ; too much fire is bad, and leads to conflagrations, martyrs, and etcetery. Water is good; too much leads to drowndin , dropsy, and-so-forth. Neighborin is good, first-rate, if follered mejumly. Too much neighborin leads to weariness, anarky, kicks, black and blue pardners, and almost delerious Josiahs." As quick as I mentioned the word kick, I see a change in Josiah s face ; he begun to shake his fist, and act ; I see he was a-growin wild agin ; Miss Spink see it too, and she and her sister fled. That very afternoon Josiah went to Jonesville and served some papers onto em. They hadn t made no bargain, for any certain time, so by losin all his rent, he got rid of em before the next afternoon. And says he to me that night, as he sot by the fire rubbin MEDITATED MURDER. 117 some linement onto his legs where he had been kicked, says he to me : " Samantha, if any human bein ever comes to rent that house of me, I ll shoot em down, jest as I would a inushrat." I knew he had lost over two hundred dollars by em, JOSIAH S vow. and been kicked so lame that he couldn t stand on his feet hardly. I knew that man had been neighbored almost into his grave, but I couldn t set by calmly and hear him talk no such wickedness, and so says I : " Josiah Allen, can t you ever learn to take a mejum course ? You needn t go round huntin up renters, or 118 " SHOOT HIM ON THE SPOT. murder em if they come nigh you." Says I, " You must learn to be more moderate and mejum." But he kep right on, a-pourin out the linement on his hand, and rubbin it onto his legs, and stuck to it to the last. Says he, " I d shoot him down, jest as I would a mushrat ; and there hain t a law in the land but what would bear me out in it." MORALIZIN AND EPISODIN . A NYBODY would have thought that this episode -jL (Spink episode) would have sickened Josiah Allen of launchin out into any more headwork, and tryin to made money on a speck. But if you ll believe it, Jonathan Spink ses folks hadn t been gone three weeks for Kitty come back the day after Spink ses folks left, and she only stayed with us two weeks that time, havin promised to stay a spell to Thomas Jef ferson s, and it was only a few days after she went and then I knew by Josiah s legs the black-and-blue spots hadn t begun to wear off ; they had just begun to turn yaller and then I knew by my head-dress, too when that man come home from Jonesville one night, cross as a bear. I said I knew by my new head-dress. I well remem ber I had wore it that afternoon for the first time, some expectin very genteel company, and wantin to look well. But the company didn t come, and Kellup Cobb did. He come to bring home a cent he had (119) 120 EXTRAVAGANT WAYS. borrowed the night before at the missionary meetin to send for his annual gift to the heathens. And he noticed my new cap in a minute. He looked witherin and overbearin at it, and in a sort of a back-handed, underground way, that I can t bear, nor never could, he begun to throw hints at me about it. About married women and members of meetin -housen spendin their money in such extravagance, when they might spend it in spreadin the Gospel in be nighted lands and about how awful wicked it was to be so dressy and et cetery, et cetery. My cap wuz middlin -foamin lookin . I couldn t deny it, and didn t try to. It wuzn t what you might call over and above dressy, but it was handsome, and very nice. The ribbin on it cost me 18 pence per yard, and the cap contained two yards and a half ; it was very nice. But none too good for me, my Josiah said. He is what you may call a close man at a bargain. (Tight, would perhaps be a better word to express his situation.) But he loves dearly to see me look beautiful. And he is very gay in his tastes ; red is his favorite color, and the more fiery shades of yellow ; he would be glad to see me dressed in these tints all the time. But I don t encourage him in the idee. Not that I think one color is wickeder than another, but they don t seem to be becomin to my style and age. Now this new head dress, I had picked it out and selected it with my pardner by my side, and he whis pered to me loud, as I was a-selectin of it : " If you THE COMPROMISE. 121 have got to have a new cap, Samantha, for mercy s sake get a red one." But I whispered to him that I should look like a fool with a red cap on, and to keep still. And then he whispered agin, in a more anxious tone: "Wall then, for pity s sake do get yeller, or THE NEW HEAD-DRESS. sunthin that has got a little color to it. Black! black ! the whole of the time ; you look jest like a mourner." I had a black one on my hand at that time, admirin 5* 122 A PERFECT TYRENT. of it, and most settled on it. But Josiah s mean was such as I was a-settlin , that I, as a devoted pardner, and a woman of principle, compromised the matter with Josiah and Duty, by purchasin one trimmed with a sort of a pinky, lilock color. It was very be- comin to me. But I won t deny, as a woman who is bred to tellin the truth, and not gin to deceit and cov- erin up, 1 won t deny that the first time I tried that head-dress on after I got home, I had my curious feel- in s. I thought mebby it was wrong for me to buy such costly ribbin, and so much of it. And then I worried about the color, too. Thinkses I, mebby it is too young for me ; too young for a woman who owns a bald-headed pardner and a grandchild, and who has but few teeth left in her head. My conscience is a perfect old tyrent, and jest drives me round more n half the time. I am willin to be drove by her as fur as I ort to be. But some times, I declare for t, I get so tuckered out with her drivin s, that I get fairly puzzled, and wonderin whether she knows herself all the time jest what she is about; whether she is certain that she is always a drivin me in the right road ; and how fur I ort to be drove by her, and when, and where to ; and whether 1 ort to let my intellect and common sense lay holt and help her drive. As I say, she run me consider able of a run on this head-dress. I had a awful time of it, and won t deny it, and I was on the very pint several times of carryin it back. But when Kellup THE OLD APPLE TREE. 123 come right out, and gin such powerful hints about it ; about extravagance, and wickedness, and vanity ; and about married wimmen settin sinful patterns to them outside of meetin -housen, and that it didn t look likely, and et cetery, et cetery, and so forth. Why, as he went on a hintin so powerful strong, and givin such burn- in glances onto that head - dress, why, I sort o sprunted up, and be gun to see things 011 the other side plainer than I had seen em. Then says I, as the eyes of my specks rested upon APPLE BLOSSOMS. the apple - boughs that filled the north kitchen winder with a glow of rosiness and sweetness : " The Lord don t seem to think as you do, Kellup. Jest see how He has dressed up that old apple-tree." 124 NATER S STIDDY BUSINESS. Says I : " No fashionable belle in New York or Paris village can ever hope to wear garments so daintily fine and sweet. No queen nor empress ever wore or ever will wear for their coronation robes such splendid and gorgeous raiment as the common spring suit of that old apple-tree." Says Kellup, holdin his head well up in the air, and drawin his lips down with a very self- righteous drawin , that I knew meant head dress, though he didn t come right out and say it: " I despise and de test the foolishness of display. There is more import ant and serious business on earth than dressin up to look nice." "That is so," says I, "that is jest as true as you live. Now that old apple tree s stiddy business and theme is to make sweet, juicy apples; but at the same time that don t hender her from dressin up, and lookin well. The Lord might have made the apples grow in rows right round the trunk from top to bot tom, with no i foolishness of display of the rosy coloring and perfume but He didn t. He chose in His wisdom, which it is not for you or me to doubt, to make it a HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. A HARD-WORKING PERSON. 125 glory and a delight to every beholder. So beautiful that the birds sail and sing with very joy in and out of the sweet branches, and the happy bees hum delight edly about the honey-laden cells, and she whose name was once Smith, has been made happy as a queen all day long, by jest lookin out of that window down into the fragrant, rosy depths of sweetness and light." "Wall," says Kellup, lookin keen at my head-dress, " I don t consider it likely, anyway, to spend so much time a dressin up it is a shiftless waste of time, anyway." " Why," says I ; for the more he scolded me, the plainer I see the other side of things. So curious are human bein s constituted and sot. " Nater has always been considered likely I never heard a word against her character, and she is stiddy minded, too, and hard workin . She works hard, Nater does. She works almost beyond her strength sometimes. She has sights of work on her hands all the hull time, and she has a remarkable knack of turnin off tremendous day s works. And I never in my hull life heard her called shiftless or slack. But what a case she is to orniment herself off ; to rag out and show herself in so many different colors. And if she feels better to be dressed up and fixed off kinder pretty while she s to work, I don t know whose busi ness it is. I never was no case myself to dress up in white book muslin, or pink silk, or bobonet lace, or anything of that kind, when I was a doin hard jobs, 126 A GORGEOUS BELT. such as makin soap, and runnin candles, and cleanin house, and etcetery. And when I have got to be out in the rain when it is all drabbly and muddy, why I jest wrap up and look like fury. But she don t. No! I have known her time and agin to tie the most gorgeous and shinin rainbow round her old waist and jest lay her self out to look foamin and dressy, right there in the rain. " It beats all how she does fix herself up. But it don t hurt my feelin s at all. I never was a mite jealous of other females lookin better than I did. The better they look, the better I enjoy lookin at em. And if Nater can dress up better and look better while she is a doin her spring work and all her other hard jobs than I can, good land ! how simple it would be in me to blame her. There is where I use such cast-iron reason. You don t ketch me a blamin other folks for their little personal ways and habits that don t do nobody no hurt. She is well off, Nater is, and able to do as she is a mind to ; she has got plenty HARD AT IT. LET EM LOOK. 127 to do with; she don t have to scrimp herself to buy flowers, and tossels, and rainbows. If she did, I shouldn t approve of it in her, not at all. I despise folks goin beyond their means to look pretty. I think it is wicked, and the height of dretfulness. But if them that are abundantly able and willin want to look nice, I say, let em look." And I cast a conscious and sort of a modest glance up into the lookin -glass that hung over the table. I could jest ketch a glimpse of my head-dress, and I see that its strings floated out noble, and I see at the same glance that he was still lookin witherin at it. But I didn t care a mite for it. I was jest filled with my subject (that side of it, for every subject has got more n a dozen sides to it), and the more he cast them witherin looks onto me the more I wuzn t withered but soared up in mind, and grew eloquent. And I went on fearfully eloquent about Nater, and the way she fixed herself up perfectly beautiful right when she was a workin the hardest. "Why," says I, u when she goes way down into the depths of the under world to make iron, and coal, and salt, and things that has got to be made, and she has got to make em why, she can t be contented way down there in the dark, all alone by herself, with out deckin herself off with diamonds, and all sorts of precious gems, and holdin up wreaths of shinin crys tal, enameled fern fronds, and hangin clusters snowy white, and those shinin with every dazzlin hue. 128 A ROYAL HALL. " And way down on the ocean floor, fifteen miles or so down below, where she would naturally expect no body would come a visatin why, way down there, where she must know that there hain t no company liable to drop in on her onexpected, yet every minute of the time she is all ornimented off with pearls, and opal-tinted shells, daintest green and crimson sea- grass, gem-like purple astreas, wonderful pink and white coral wreaths all strange and lovely blossoms of the sea. " What tongue can tell the wonders of the beauty she arrays herself with way down there in the dark alone. How every little bud of beauty is wreathed around with other marvels of loveliness how all about one tiny little bit of a blossom will be twined other won derful little flowerin vines, starred with crystal bells. " No tongue can ever describe it not mine, cer tainly, for I say but little myself, and that little is far too small to express these wonders of beauty. " And then right round here, when she is to work right here in our fields, doin her common run of hard work such as makin wheat, and oats, and other grain. No matter how hot the weather is, or muggy; no matter whether she is behindhand with her work, and in a awful hurry she always finds time to scatter along in the orderly ranks of the grain, wild red pop pies and blue-eyed asters. And I never in my life, and Josiah never did, see her ever make a solid ear of corn without she hung on top of it a long silk tossel. NATURE S OCEAN BOUDOIR. WONDROUS BEAUTY, 131 And I don t believe she ever made a ton of hay in the world, if she had her own way about it, but what she made it perfectly gay with white daisies and butter-cups. " And all the gardens of the world she glorifies, and all the roads, and hedges, and lanes, and by-ways. No matter how long and crooked they are, or how tejus, she scatters bloss oms of brightness and beauty over them all. "And clear up on the highest mountains, under the shadow of the everlastin snows, she will stop to lay a cluster of sweet mountain anemones and Al pine roses on the old bosom for she is a gettin consid erable along in years, Nater is. Not that I say it in a runnin way at all, or spiteful, or mean. But I s pose she is older than NATURE S WORK, we have any idee 132 NATER S EXAMPLE. of as old agin as folks call her. But she acts young, and looks so. She holds her age remarkable, as has been often remarked about a person whose name was once Smith. " Why, she acts fairly frisky and girlish sometimes. Way down in the lowest valleys, down by the most hidden brook-side, she will sit down to weave together the most lovely and coquetish bunches of fern and grasses, and scarlet and golden wild flowers, and deck herself up in em like a bride of 16. You never ketched her runnin in debt for a lot of stuff though her principles are too firm. But she goes on makin beauty and gladness wherever she goes, and lookin handsome, and if it had been wicked the Lord wouldn t have let her go on in it. He could have stopped her in a minute if He had wanted to. She does jest as He tells her to, and always did. " And," says I, with considerable of a stern look onto Kellup, " if Nater if she who understands the unwritten language of God, that we can t speak yet if she, whose ways seem to us to be a revelation of that will of the Most High if she can go on wreath ing herself in beauty, I don t think we should be afraid of gettin holt of all we can of it of all lovely things. And I don t think," says I, givin a sort of a careless glance up into the lookin -glass, " that there should be such a fuss made by the world at large about my head-dress." " But," says Kellup, a groanin loud and violent, THE ORTHODOX SIDE. 133 " it is the wickedness of it I look at. To follow the vile example of the rich. And oh ! how wicked rich folks be. How hard-hearted, how unprincipled, and vile." And agin he groaned, deep. Says I, "Don t groan so, Kellup," for it was truly skairful to hear him. Says he, " I will groan ! " Says he, " The carryin s on and extravagance of the rich is enough to make a dog groan." I see I couldn t stop his groanin , but I went on a talkin reasonable, in hopes I could quell him down. Says I, " There is two sides to most everything, Kellup, and some have lots of sides. That is what makes the world such a confusin place to live in. If things and idees didn t have but one side to em, we could grab holt of that side, hold it close, and be at rest. " But they do. And you must look on both sides of things before you make a move. You mustn t confine yourself to lookin on jest one side of a subject, for it hain t reasonable." " I wonit try to look on both sides," says he with a bitter look. "That is what makes folks onsettled and onstabled in their views, and liberal. But I won t. I am firm and decided. I am satisfied to look on one side of a subject on the good old orthodox side. You won t ketch me a whifflin round and lookin on every side of a idee." "Wall," says I, calmly, for to convince, and not 134 NAMING A BABY. to anger, is ever my theme and purpose. And knowin that to the multitude truth is most often palatable if presented in a parabolical form, and has been for centuries often imbibed by them in that way, entirely unbeknown to them. And knowin that the little scenes of daily life are as good to wrap round morals and cause em to be swallowed down unbe- knowin , as peach preserves are to roll round pills, I went on and says : u If you won t look on only one side of a subject, Kellup, you may find yourself in as curious a place as Melvin Case was last fall. His wife told it herself to Miss Gansey, and Miss Gansey told the editor of the Augurs cs wife, and the editor of the Augurs es wife told Miss Mooney, and she told the woman s first hus band s mother-in-law that told me. It come straight. It was a very curious situation, and the way on t was : Melvin Case, as you know, married Clarinda Filler of Filler P int, down on the Lake Shore road. Wall, they had been married 23 years and never had no childern, and last fall they had a nice little boy. He was a welcome child, and weighed over 9 pounds. " Wall, Malvin thought the world of his wife, and bein very tickled about the boy, and feelin very affec tionate towards his wife at the time, he proposed at once that they should call him after her maiden name Filler. Of course she give her willin consent, and they was both highly tickled. But you see, bein blinded by affection and happiness, they didn t look on HOW IT LOOKED. 135 only one side of the idee, and they never studied on how the two names was a goin to look when they was put together, till after he had wrote it down in the Bible ; and then he paused, with his pen in his hand, and looked up perfectly horrified at his wife, who was BABY FILLER CASE. holdin the baby in her arms and lookin over his shoulder, and she looked perfectly dumbfoundered at him, for they see it looked awful Filler Case. " Now you are lookin at one side of the subject, but there is another side to it, Kellup, there is as sure as you live and breathe. 136 CHARITY. " God knows too much cannot be said or sung about the duty the rich owe to the poor. They cannot study too correctly, and follow too closely the pattern that He, the loving Elder Brother, set them. He who was so tender in His compassion ; so helpful and thoughtful to the claims of the poor and humble. But charity is a big word, and it has more than one side to it. It means charity to the poor, under whose lowly roofs lie once entered, a child of the poor, and so consecrated them honorable for all time. Those who were His closest friends through His toilsome earthly life ; those whom He loved first, and loved last ; cared for even in that supreme moment of His most triumphant and glorious ignominy. Shall not His followers forever love and bless those He hallowed by His tender care in such a moment ? Yes, charity to the poor first. But we mustn t stop there, Kellup. We may want to set right down in front of that side of the word, and stay there. But we mustn t. If we want to view this heavenly word on every side we must walk round on the other side of it, and see that it means, too, charity to the rich. A higher, subtler quality of charity it calls for in us than the other. " For I can tell you, Kellup, some folks say it is a tough job for one to keep a sweet, charitable, loving spirit towards them that are richer, more successful, and happier than they be. Hard for em to rejoice over the good fortune of the great. Hard for em to UPS AND BOWKS. 137 keep from judgin them severely from feelin envious over the good fortune they cannot share. " We are exhorted to feel sorry for the man who falls down and breaks his leg. We are exhorted to feel Christian toward FEELIN CHRISTIAN. that humble man. But though there hain t much said on the other side of the subject, I think it is enough sight harder to feel Christian towards that man when we are a layin flat on the ice, or slippery sidewalk, and he is a standin up straight. " It is easy to deceive ourselves ; easy to give very big, noble names to very small emotions. And if we 138 DOGNOZING THE S7MPTOMS. feel uncomfortable to see some one else who has always stood on the same level with ourselves suddenly lifted above us, no matter how worthily he may have earned that more exalted station,- we may call that uncomfort able feelin any name we please. We may call it a holy horror of worldly-mindedness a hauntin fear lest he be jeopardizin his immortal soul, by settin up on that loftier spear. And mebby it is. I hain t a goin to come right out and say that it hain t. But I will say this, for there hain t no harm in it, and it can t make no trouble. I will say that if we feel this uncomfortable feelin we ort to keep a close watch of our symptoms. For though that gripin pain in the left side may be a religious pain, yet there is a possi bility that it may be envy. And if it is, it requires fur different treatment. And it may be a self-righteous, Pharasaical feelin that our Lord seemed to hate worst of any feelin we could feel. " I tell you it requires the very closest dognosing (to use a high learnt medical phrase) to get the symp toms exactly right, and see exactly what aches we are a achin . For the heart that we imagine is a gripin and a achin at sinful worldly-mindedness, may be a achin with the consumin fever of spite, and envy and revenge, the heart-burnin desire and determination to bring the loftier and the nobler down in some way on a level with ourselves, if not by fair means, with the foul ones of malice and slander and lies. " I don t say it is so ; but I say, let us be careful, ORNAMENTAL CHRISTIANITY. 139 and let us be charitable to all, the rich and the "poor, for charity, Kellup, like the new linen ulsters, covers a multitude of sinners. " Now," says I, metaforin a little, as I might have known I should before I got through, " now if I was a woman, and should say that to wear diamonds was wicked, or to live in a beautiful home full of books and pictures, and all the means of ease and culture was an abomination to me, and wicked, when I was hankerin in the very depths of my soul to be wicked in jest that way, if I only had the wherewith to be wicked with, why, tl^at holy horror I professed would be vain in me ; empty as soundin brass and tinglin symbols. Let us be honest and true first, and then put on more ornamental Christianity afterwards ; there hain t no danger of our gettin any too much of it, that is, of the right kind. Envy and hypocracy and cant look worse to me than diamonds ; and I would wear the diamonds as quick agin if I got the chance." Kellup didn t look a mite convinced. But I kep right on, for though I am a woman that says but little, yet when I begin to convince anybody I always want to finish up the job in a handsome, thorough way, and then I felt real eloquent ; and I tell you it is hard, even for a close-mouthed woman, it is hard for em when they feel as eloquent as I did then to keep from swingin right out and talkin , and I didn t try to stop myself ; I kep right on, and says I : " It is a mistake in you and in me if we think that 140 TRUE HEARTS. every rich person is necessarily a hard-hearted one ; if we think a tender heart cannot beat jest as warmly and truly aginst a ermine robe, as a shabby overcoat ; aginst a rich boddist waist, as a calico bask. There are little, stingy, narrow, contracted souls in every station-house of life, high ones and low ones; and there are loving, generous ones, visey versey, and the same. And God bless those tender hearts where- ever they are ; those who in lofty places organize the great charities whose benefactions bless the nations in famine, in war, and in the calamity of national sick ness and distress. And Heaven bless the lowly toilers of life, whose humble gifts out of their scanty means are in God s sight equally as great. " The little blue potato-blossom laid upon the pillow of the sick by the child of poverty we think the per fume of that little odorless flower will rise to Heaven as sweet as the most royal blossom given by the child ren of kings. The blossoms of true charity are all sweet in Heaven s sight." And says I, lookin up to the ceilin in a almost rapped eloquence of mean, and a lofty fervency and earnestness of axent : " Heaven bless all the generous, loving hearts that beat under any and every colored robe; under the shabby garb of poverty ; the somber hue of some con secrated sisterhood of compassion ; under the quaint Quaker garb, or the bright silks of the Widder Albert s generous daughters; those who conscientiously wear BLESSINGS ON THEM ALL,! " THE ROSE AND GRAY. 143 sober clothing, and those who jest as innocently wear brighter apparel. Heaven bless them all; the gray- robed sisterhood of Mercy, God s dove-colored angels, who lean over the beds of the sick and the sorrowing, A HEAVENLY MESSENGER. and whose shadows falling by the beds of pain the sad-eyed soldiers kiss ; Catholic or Protestant, what ever their creed, they have the divinest gift of the three the divine gift of Charity. God made them all the rose and the gray ; the blue sky, the rainbow, and the soft shadow of the twilight clouds. He made the earth for His beloved; nothing is too good for 144 A WEARISOME BUSINESS. them, or too beautiful. And why should one color boast over another, as being purer-minded, and less wicked?" I had been very eloquent, and felt considerable elo quent still, but happenin to let the eye of my speck fall for a minute on Kellup, I see by the awful unbe- lievin look on his face that I had got to simplify it down to his comprehension. I see that he did not understand my soarin ideas as I would wish em to be understood. Not that I blamed him for it. Good land ! a tow string hain t to blame for not bein made a iron spike. But at the same time it is bad and wearisome business for the one who attempts to use that tow string for a spike tries to drive it into the solid wall of argument and clinch a fact with it. I had said a good deal about beauty, but it semcde as if I wanted to say sunthin more, and I went on and said it: " Some folks seem to be afraid of beauty ; as fraid of it as if it was a bear. They seem to be more afraid of lettin a little beauty into their lives than they be of lettin the same amount of wickedness in. You would think a man was awful simple who would spend his hull strength in puttin up coverin s to his windows to keep out the sunshine and fresh air, and not pay any attention to the obnoxious creeters, wild-cats, burglars, and etcetery that was comin right into the open front door. And it hain t a mite more simple than it is for them, for they take so much pains a puttin up iron THE WREATHED SPEAR. 145 bars (as it were) across the windows of their souls to keep beauty and brightness and innocent recreation out of it, that they have no time to see how uncharit- ableness and envy and malice and hatred and a hull regiment of just ers are troopin front-door unbe- " They seem to despisin beauty, merit in them to and feel hauty ous toward the liest thing God don t feel so, think it is wicked of all the beauty that I can, con- duty to humanity " There are must be done must hold the upright. We principles stiddy such ugly creet- right into the known to them, take a pride in as if it was a look down upon, and contemptu- divinest and love- ever made. I Kellup. I don t for me to lay holt and happiness sistently with my and Josiah. some things that first of all. We spear firm and must carry our and firm. But we have a perfect right and privilege to wreath that spear and them principles with all the blossoms of brightness and innocent happiness we can possibly lay holt of. Them is my opinions. Howsomever, everybody to their own mind." " Beauty the divinest thing God ever made ! " says 146 THE SPIRIT OF BEAUTY. Kellup in a hauty, ironical tone. " How dare you be so wicked, Josiah Allen s wife ? I call it awful wicked to talk so." Says I, " I don t believe anything is wicked that lifts us right up nearer to Heaven. I don t mean to be wicked." " Wall, you be," says he, speakin up sharp. " Wor- shipin beauty, worshipin the creature instead of the creator." Says I, " Can you tell me, Kellup, what that spirit of beauty is, that you are so sot aginst?" Says I, feelin more and more eloquent as I dove further and further into the depths of the subject than I had doven and the more I went on about it the more carried away I wuz and lost, till before I had gone on 2 minutes I was entirely by the side of myself, and carried completely out of Kellup Cobb s presence, out of Josiah Allen s kitchen, out into the mighty waste of mystery that floats all round Jonesville and the world: u What is this spirit of beauty there is something, some hidden spirit, some soul of inspiration, in all beautiful things, pictures, poetry, melody a spirit that forever eludes us, flies before us, and yet smiles down into our souls forever with haunting, glorious eyes. What is this wonderful spirit, this insperation that thrills us so in all sweetest and saddest melodies, in lovely landscapes, in the soft song of the summer wind, and the mournful refrain of ocean waves, in sunset, and the weird stillness of a starry midnight ? THE SOUL S LONGINGS. 147 That thrills us so in all glorified legends of heroism and in that divinest poem of a noble life. That haunts us, and so fills our souls with longing that sometimes we imagine we can catch a glimpse of it in the clear look of some inspired eye ; but almost e er we behold it, it is gone. Some fleetin echo of whose voice we fancy we have caught in the lofty refrain of some heavenly melody but, e er our soul could hardly listen, the sweet strain was drowned in the discord of human voices. Ah ! sometimes the veil has seemed but thin between us, as we stood for brief, blissful moments on the mountain tops of our best and noblest emotions, so transparent, and glowing with inner brightness, that we could almost behold the face of an angel behind the shining barriers. But the mists swept coldly up, and the sweet face was lost in the cloudy, earthly vapors. " If we could reach it, if we could once reach out our longing arms, and touch that wonderful, illusive soul of beauty, if we could hold it with our weak, mortal grasp, and look upon it face to face can you tell me, Kellup, what it would be? Can you tell me how pure, and holy, and divine a shape it would be ? The Ideal of Beauty that forever rises before us this longing for perfection implanted in our souls ? We cannot believe by bad spirits, but by the Ever Good. This ideal that every poet and artist soul has longed for, prayed for, but never reached this ideal of purity which we strive to mould in clay; poor, crumbling imperfect clay, that 148 KELLUP CHANGES THE SUBJECT. will not, however earnestly we toil, take the clear shape of our dreams. Can you tell me, Kellup, that it is not the longing of the mortal for the immortal, the deathless cry of the human for the divine ? " To me, it is the surest proof of immortality. For we know that our God is not cruel, and we cannot think He would hold out to us a lovely gift only to mock us with glimpses of its glory, and then withdraw it from us forever. "And this ideal of perfection that we have so striven and prayed to realize perhaps these longings and strivings are perfecting that image in our lives, unbe known to us ; and when the clay that wraps it round drops off, shall we behold it in glad wonder in the land of the King ? Shall we see that the dull stroke of care and the keen blow of suffering helped most to mould it into beauty ? Surely, surely, He will one day give the desire of our souls. Surely there is a land of immortal purity, immortal beauty, where to the souls of all who truly aspire the dim shadow light of our hope will be lost in the bright glory of fulfillment." Says Kellup, castin the witherin est look onto my head-dress that he had cast onto it, and clingin close to his old idee, as close as a idee ever was clung to, says he, comin out plain : " That head-dress is a shame, and a disgrace. You wouldn t ketch me in no such extravagance. The money had better have been took and distributed round amongst the poorer classes in the country." THE TIGHT ONES OF EARTH. 149 I don t s pose I ort to, and I don t know exactly how it happened that I did, but I won t deny it, that comin down so awful sudden off of the height of eloquence I had been a soarin on, bein brought down so awful short and sort o onexpected, it did, and I won t deny it, it did, for as much as a minute and a half, make me mad. It sort o jarred me all over, and I spoke up sharp, and says I : " There are exceptions to every ruler, as scholars have always said. But as a general thing, the people who deny themselves all the beauty and brightness of life, are the very ones who deny it to others. Those who talk the most about others extravagance, and what great things they would do if they was in other folks es places, are the very ones who, if they wuz there, wouldn t do nothin . It is the tight ones of earth who talk the most about looseness: how awful loose they would be under certain circumstances. But I believe, and Josiah duz, that they wouldn t under the very loosest circumstances ever be loose, but would always be tight. And them who says the least often does the most. Them who scold the least about other folks es duty, often do their own duty the best. Curi ous. But so it is. "And those who love to put beauty into their own lives, are often the ones who love to bless other lives are the ones whose hearts ache at the pleading of a sorrowful eye whose hearts thrill clear to their center at the voice of a hungry child. 6* 150 A GUIDING HAND. "And if the heart is thrilled in the right way, that thrill always trem bles right down into the portmoney, and trembles it open, and jars the money right out of it. The money that will make that hungry cry change into a thankful one, and that wistful look change into a re- joicin one. "Why," says I in a earnest, lofty tone, wan tin to convince him, " look at that female I have been a talkin about ; look at Nater. See what she duz. You have had to give up that no other female ever loved the beautiful as she duz. And you have got to give up that no other female was ever so great-hearted, so compassionate and gen erous." JOSIAH S STUN-BOLT. 151 And havin by this time got all over my little tem porary madness, I went on agin about her, beautiful. Somehow I always do talk eloquent about Nater. I guess it is because I think so much of her. Says I : "No tenderer care does she give to the mon arch on his throne than she gives to the little bare-foot peasant child, or the little foolish sparrer. She takes no greater thought to guide the great ship freighted with noble lives, and help her plow her way through the billows, than she takes to guide the way of the sea- bird over the wild waters, or the flight of the frightened northern birds fleeing southward through the trackless sky before the snows. " Good to all, generous, helpful to all, patient to all. And at the last she just opens her loving arms and gives rest to all, simple and gentle, serf and monarch; to the prosperous and happy, and to all the heavy- hearted, all the broken-hearted, all the worn, the de feated, the despairin souls ; the saint and the sinner alike, without rebuking or questioning ; she jest reaches out her arms to them all, and gives them rest." Says Kellup : "I guess I ll go out and look at Josiah s new stun-bolt. I don t know but what I shall want to borry it bimeby to draw some stuns." And he started off and I was glad he did. JOSIAH UNDERTAKES MORE BUSINESS. WALL that was the very night, as I said, that Josiah Allen come home so awful cross. And what under the sun ailed him I could not imagine. He had been clever when he left home, very ; he had had a extra good breakfast, and he was the picture of happiness ; and his morals seemed stiddy and firm. And comin off so sudden onto such fearful fractious- ness, it worried me. But little did I think he was plannin more head- work. If I had I should have worried fur more. But he wuz. Old Ben Mandagool, a friend of Josiah s, was takin in boarders, and makin money by em. And that very day (unbeknown to me) he had throwed them boarders, six of em, into Josiah s face, and the pile of money he had made by em, and twitted him that if it wasn t for his wife he could make jest as much. Old Mandagool knew well how I felt about takin in boarders ; he knew I was principled against it, and sot. Mandagool misuses his wife shamefully ; (152) JOSIAH FEELS CROSS. 153 makes a perfect underlin of her; works her down to skin and bone ; they don t live happy together at all. And he seems to be envious of anybody that does live agreeable with their pardner, and loves to break it up. And so it went on for a number of days ; he a twittin Josiah how if it wuzn t for his wife he could have his way, and make money, (and Josiah loves to have his own way dearly.) and throwin them half a dozen boarders into his face, and it hain t no wonder that Josiah felt hurt. And it hain t no wonder, constituted as men be, that he was exceedingly cross to me. But knowin how cast-iron my mind was when it was made up, he never let on what ailed him. And I was skairt most to death to see him look so mauger, and act so restless and oiieasy, and crosser n any bear out of a circus. How strange and mysterious things be in this world. Lots and lots of things we can see the effects of, powerful effects, but can t ketch a glimpse of the causes. I could see the crossness, and bear it; but what the cause of it was, was concealed from me by a impenetrable vail. And I, jest as poor, blind mortal bein s will do, when they stand in front of mysteries, and don t want to own they are puzzled by em, would make up reasons in my own mind, and call em facts. Thinkses I to myself: he is a enjoyin poor health, or else he is a gettin back-slid. And one day I says to him, says I: "Josiah Allen, what is the matter with you ? You 154 CATNIP AND THOROUGHWORT. don t act like the same man you did several days ago. I am goin to steep up some catnip and thoroughwort tea, and see if it won t make you feel better, and some boneset." " I don t want none of your boneset and catnip." Says I : " You know, Josiah Allen, that you are enjoyin very poor health. You enjoy as bad agin health as you did along in the win- WHAT S THE MATTER, JOSIAH?" "My health is well enough," says he sort o surly like. " Wall then," says I in still more anxious tones, " if it hain t your health that is a sufferin , is it your mor- SUMTHIN ON HIS MIND. 155 als ? Do they feel totterin , Josiah ? Tell your pard- ner how they feel." v " Dummit, my morals feel all right." Says I sternly : " Stop that swearin instantly and to once." And I went on in reasonable tones : " If you hain t enjoyin poor health, Josiah, and your morals are firm, why is there such a change in your mean?" Says I : " Your mean don t look no more like your old one than if it belonged to another man." But instead of answerin my affectionate and anxious inquiries, he jumped up and started for the barn. And so it went on for over 4 days ; I a knowin sunthin ailed him, and couldn t get him to tell; he a growin crosser and Grosser, and lookin maugerer and mau- gerer, and I a growin alarmed about him to that ex tent that I knew not what to do. And finally one mornin to the breakfast table, I says to him in tones that would be answered : " Josiah Allen, you are carryin sunthin on your mind." And says I firmly : " Your mind hain t strong enough to carry it alone ; your pardner must and will help you carry it." He see determination in my eye brow, and he finally up and told me. How he was a hankerin to take in summer boarders ; how he wanted to get back the money he had lost in some way, and he knew there was piles and piles of money to be made by it; and it was such pretty business, too, nothin* but fun to take em in ; anybody could take such per fect comfort with em, besides bein so awful profitable ; 156 A WILD COMMOTION. and knowin my principles rose up like cast-iron against the idee, it was a wearin on him. I didn t say nothin . Some wimmen would have throwed Jonathan Spink and his wife in her pardner s face, and some wimmen would have throwed the twin and the hull of the family. But I didn t. I knew my pardner was a sufferin fearfully, and my affection for him is like a ox es, as has been often remarked. No, I only said in a cold, cautious tone : " Will you pass me the buckwheat-cakes, Josiah, and the syrup?" But them words, them buckwheat-cakes, was only a vail (as it were) that I threw over my feelin s, tryin to hide em from my pardner. For oh ! what a wild commotion was goin on inside of me between my prin ciples and my affection. And of all the wars that ever devastated the world, that is the most fearful ; though it may be like many others, a silent warfare. Yes, when love such a love as my love for Josiah and principles strong and hefty as my principles are, get to fight-in with each other, and kickin back and forth, and ragin , and as I may say, in a practical and figura tive way, snortin and prancin , then ensues and f oi lers on a time long to be remembered. I was principled against takin in summer boarders. I had seen em took in, time and agin, and seen the effects of it, and I had said, and said calmly, that for people like us boarders was a moth. I had said, and felt, that when a woman does her own housework it was all she ort to do to take care of her own men folks, A POETICAL SIMELY. FOREIGN SCHOONERS. 159 and her house, and housen stuff, and common run of visitors, and hired girls I was immovably sot against from my birth. Home seemed to me to be a peaceful haven, jest large enough for two barks, Josiah s bark and my bark, and when foreign schooners (to foller up my poetical simely) , when foreign schooners and periogers sailed in, they generally proved to be ships of war, pirate fleets stealin happiness and ease, and runnin up the skeliton of our dead joys at their mast-heads. But I am a episodin , and wanderin off into fields of poesy, and to resoom and go on : It would be in vain and only harrow up the read er s feelin s to tell how the long struggle went on inside of my mind. But when I say that my pardner daily grew before my eyes crosser and more fearfully cross, and mauger and more awfully mauger, any female woman who has got a beloved companion, and a heart inside of her breast-bones, knows how the con flict ended. I yielded and gin in, and the very day I gin my consent Josiah went and engaged em. He d heard of em from old Mandagool. He had boarded em the summer before, and he said they wanted to get board again in Jonesville, though for some reason Mandagool didn t seem to want to board em himself. I thought to myself that looked squally. I never liked old Mandagool, not for a minute, but I didn t say a word. Neither did I say anything when he told me there was 4 childern in the family that was a comin . 160 JOSIAH FIGGERS. No ; I held firm. The job was undertook by me for the savin of my pardner. I had undertook it in a martyr way, and I wuzn t goin to spile the job by murmerin s and complainin s. But oh ! how animated Josiah Allen was the day he come back from engagin of em. His appetite come back powerfully ; he eat a immense dinner. His cross ness had disappeared, his affectionate demeanor all returned ; he would have acted as spoony as my big iron spoon if he had had so much as a crumb of en couragement from me. But I didn t encourage him. There was a loftiness and majesty in my mean (caused by my principles) that almost awed him. I looked first-rate, and acted so. But oh, how highlarious Josiah Allen was ! He was goin to make so much money by em. Says he, with a happy look : " If a man loses money by one speck, he must launch out into another speck and get it back again." Says he : "I have tried to make money easy, time and agin, and now I have hit the nail on the head ; now I can make up my loss, and get independently rich. Why, besides the pure happiness we shall enjoy with em, the solid comfort, jest think of four dollars a week for the man and his wife, and two dollars a piece for the childern. Less see," says he dreamily: " Twice 4 is 8, and no orts to carry ; 4 times 2 is 8, and 8 and 8 is 16. Sixteen dollars a week. Why, Samantha," says he, "that will support us; there hain t A FORTUNE AT LAST. 161 no need of our liftin our fingers agin, if we could only keep em right here with us always." " Who is goin to cook and wait on em ? " says I almost coldly. Not real cold, but sort o coolish like. For I hain t one when I tackle a cross to go carryin it along groanin and cryin out loud all the way. No ! if I can t carry it cheerfully, I ll drop it. So, as I say, my tone wasn t frigid, but sort o cool 1 i ke. " Who ll wait on em?" "Get a girl! get two girls ! Think of sixteen dollars a week. You can keep a variety of hired girls if you want to. Yes," says he, with a blissful expression and joyous axcnt, "besides the sweet rest and comfort we are a goin to take with em, we can have everything else we want. Thank Heaven we have now got a compeatency." " Wall," says I in the same tones, or about the same, coolish, but not frigid, "time will tell." JOSIAH S IDEE. 162 ON TIME. Wall, they come on a Monday mornin , on the six o clock train. Josiah had to meet em to the depot, and he was so afraid he should miss em, and somebody else would undermine him, and get em as boarders, that he was up about three o clock, and went out and milked by candle-light, so s to be EARLY BIRDS. sure and be there in season. And I had to get up and get his breakfast before daylight, feelin like a EXPECTIN THE DANES. 163 a fool, too, for he kep me awake all night a most, walkin round the house, and fallin over chairs and things, sort o gropin round, lightin matches to look at the clock to see what time it was. And if he said to me once, he said 30 times durin that night: " It would be jest my luck to have somebody get in ahead of me to the cars, and undermind me at the last minute, and get em away from me." Says I, in dry tones (not so dry as I had used, but dryish) : " I guess there won t be no danger, Josiah." But the very last thing I heard him say, in fearful and fractious tones, as he got into that democrat, was: " It would be jest like old Mandagool to undermind me." Wall, about a quarter to 1 he driv up with em. A tall, spindlin , waspish-lookin woman, and 4 childern. The man, they said, wasn t comin till Saturday night. I thought the woman had a singular look to her when I first see her, and so did the oldest boy, who was about 13 years old. I thought he looked dretful white in the face, and sort o strange like. He looked like his ma, only he was fleshy, dretful sort o fleshy, flabby like. And as they walked up from the gate, side by side, I thought I never in my hull life see a waspisher and spindlener woman, or a curiouser lookin couple. The ether 3 childern that come behind seemed to be pretty much of a age, and looked healthy, and full of the old Harry, as we found out afterwards they indeed was. 164 MYSTERIOUS APPETITES. Wall, I had a hard tussle of it through the day to cook and do for em. Their appetites was tremenjous, specially the woman and the oldest boy. They wasn t healthy appetites. I could see that im a minute. Their eyes would look holler and hungry, and they would look voraciously at the empty deep dishes and tureens, after they had eat em all empty, eat enough for 4 men. Why, it did beat all. Josiah looked at me in silent wonder and dismay, as he see the vittles disappeer before that woman and boy. The other three childern eat about as common healthy childern do, each of em about twice what Josiah and me did. But there wasn t nothin mysterious about them. But the woman and boy made me feel curious, curiouser than I had ever felt, for truly I thought to myself if their legs and arms hain t holler, how do they hold it. It was to me a new and interesting spectacle, to be studied over and filosofied upon. But to Josiah it was a canker, as I see the very first meal. I could see by the looks of his mean that them two appetites was sunthin he hadn t reckoned and calculated upon. And I could see plain, havin watched the changes of my pardner s mean as close as astronomers watch the moon, I couil see that them two appetites was a wearin on him. Wall, I thought mebby they was kinder starved out, comin right from a city boardin -house, and a few of my good meals would quell em down. But no, instead of growin lighter them two appe- OUR BOARDERS. WHAT THE MATTER WAS. 167 tites of their n seemed, if possible, to grow consuminer and consuminer, though I cooked lavish and profuse,, as I always did. They devoured everything before em, and looked hungry and wistful at the plates and table-cloth. Josiah looked on in perfect agony I knew, though he didn t say nothin (he is very close). And it seemed so awfully mysterious to me. I would get so lost reasonin and felosifyin on it; whether their legs was holler or not holler ; and if they was holler, how they could walk round on em ; and if they wasn t holler, where the vittles went to. Why, studyin so deep into it, bringin all the deep scientific facts I could think on to bear onto it, 1 don t know but I should have gone ravin distracted if she hadn t herself up and told me what the matter was. They had got tape-worms she and the oldest boy ; immense ones, so the doctor said, and they had to eat to satisfy em. That explained it, and I felt relieved. And I told Josiah, for I love that man, and love to happify him when I possibly can. But if you ll believe it, that man was mad; and he vowed he would charge extra for em. It was after we went to bed I told him, and I had to talk low, for their room was right over our n. Says I, in a low but firm whisper: "Don t you do no such thing, Josiah Allen. Do you realize how it would look ; what a sound it would have to community?" "Wall," he hollered out, "do you s pose I am goin to board all the tape-worms in the world free of ex- 168 JOSIAH CATCHES FITS. pense? Do you s pose I am goin to have em all con gregate here, and be boarded on me for nothin ? 1 took men and wimmen and childern to board. I didn t agree to board anything else, and I won t, nuther. It wtizn t in the bill." "Do you keep still, Josiah Allen. She ll hear you," I whispered. " I say it wuzn t in the bill," he hollered out agin. I s pose he meant it wasn t in the bargain, but he was nearly delirious (he is very close nearly tight). But jest that minute, before I could say a word, we heard a awful noise right over our heads ; it sounded as if the hull top of the house had fell in. Says Josiah: "The old chimbly has fell in." Says I : "I think it is the ruff." And we both started for up-stairs on the run. I sent him back from the head of the stairs, for in the awful fright he hadn t realized his condition, and wasn t dressed. I waited for him at the top of the stairs, for to tell the truth, I dassent go on. He hurried on his clothes, and went in ahead, and there she lay ; there Miss Danks was on the floor in a historical fit. Josiah, thinkin she was dead, run in and ketched her up, and went to puttin her on the bed ; and she, jest as they will in historicks, clawed right into his hair, and tore out above half he had on that side. She then struck him a fearful blow in the eye made it black and blue for over two weeks. She didn t know what she was AN OBJECT OF PITY. 169 about; she wuzn t to blame though the hair was a great loss to him, and I won t deny it. Wall, we stood over her most all night to keep the breath of life in her; and the oldest boy, bein skairt, it brought on some fits that he was in the habit of havin , a sort of fallin fits; he would fall anywheres; he fell onto Josiah twice that night, and almost knocked him down. He was awful large for his age ; dretful big and fat. It seemed as if there was sunthin wrong about his heft, it was so oncommon hefty for a boy of his age. He looked bloated. His eyes, which was a pale blue, seemed to be kinder sot back in his head, and his cheeks stood out below, some like baloons ; and his mouth was kinder open a good deal of the time, as if it was hard work for him to breathe ; he breathed thick and wheezy, dretful oncomfortable. His com plexion was bad, too; sallow and sort o tallery lookin . He acted dretful logy and heavy at the best of times, and in them fits he was as heavy and helpless as lead. Wall, that was the third night after they got there, and from that night, as long as they stayed there, she had the historicks frequent and violent, and Bill had his fallin fits. And you wouldn t believe if you hadn t seen em, how many things he broke a fallin on em in them fits. It beat all how unfortunate he was. They always come onto him unexpected, and it seemed as if they would always come onto him while he was in front of sunthin to smash all to bits. And I says to Josiah, says I : " Did you ever see, Josiah Allen, any- 7 170 A TIGHT SQUEEZE. body so unfortunate as that boy in his fits ? It seems as if he ll break everything in the house if it goes on." Says he, u Tis a pity his cussed neck don t break! 3 A SURPRISED COLT. I don t know as I ever gin Josiali Allen a firmer, eloquenter lecture against swearm than I did then. But in my heart I pitied him, for it was only the day before that he fell as he was a lookin at the colt. It was only a week old, but Josiah sot his eyes by it, and the boy was admirin of it there wasn t nothin ugly about him but a fit come on, and he fell onto the colt, and the colt not expectin of it, and bein unprepared, fell flat down, and the boy on it ; and the colt jest lived, A SMASHING BUSINESS. 171 that is all. Josiah says it never will be worth any thing ; he thinks it broke sunthin inside. As 1 said, there wasn t a ugly thing about Bill. He d be awful sorry when he broke things, and squshed em, and flatted em all out a fallin on em. All I blamed him for was his prowlin round so much. I thought then, and I think still, seein he knew his own heft, and knew he had em, and was liable to have em, he d done better to have kep still, and not tried to got round so much. But his mother said he felt restless and oncasy. I couldn t help likin the boy ; and when he fell right into my bread that 1 had a risin and spilte the hull batch, and when he fell acrost the table in the parlor and broke everything that was on it, and when he fell onto a chicken-coop and broke it down and killed a hull brood of chickens, and when he fell onto some tomato plants of a extra kind which Josiah had bought at a great expense and sot out, and broke em off short, I didn t feel like scoldin him. I s posc it was my hefty principles that boyed me up ; them and the sweet thought that would come to me mebby Josiah Allen will hear to me another time, mebby he ll get sick of summer boarders and to takin of em in. I s pose it was these lofty feelin s that kep me up ; truly if it hadn t been I don t know how I could have lived, cookin as much as I had to, and goin through with what I did, histories, and fallin fits, and etcetery, etcetery. 172 INDUSTRIOUS CHILDREN. And the 3 smaller children was ugly ; there haint no other name made that will describe their demen- ors and acts, only jest that word, ugly. They made me more work than all my housework put together. A handlin everything, and a breakin every thing, and a ridin the turkeys, and actin , and per- formin . I spose they was told more n a hun dred times by meandJosiah to nrt ride that turkey gobbler. And I don t spose there w a s ever any other children on earth, only jest them 3, that would have dast to gone near it. Why, I have seen right-minded and moral children time and agin weep and cry when they seen it comin nigh em, it was so powerful lookin , and high-headed. But good land ! first thing I d know I d see one on em right on that gobbler, pretendin to ride it ; they almost killed that Tom Turkey. EXEKCISING THE GOBBLER. WHERE HE MISSED IT. 173 And then all of a sudden we d hear the fannin mill a goin full blast, and Josiali would run to the barn, and there they would be a runnin dirt through it, slates, stuns, or anything. And then I d hear the wheel a goin up stairs, buzzin as if it would break its old band, and up I d go, and there they d be a spinnin of my best rolls. And five different times I took the youngest one out of the flour barrel, where they was a makin a ghost out of him, to appear to the oldest one they loved to scare that boy into fits, they loved it dearly. And they d lay to and eat between meals all the pre serves and jell and honey they could get holt of, unbe known to me; they wasted twice over every day what their board come to. But I kep still, and held firm. Thinkses I the medicine is bitter, but it is goin to do good ; the patient is feelin the effects of it. For Jo- siah looked awful as the days went by. He see he had made a terrible mistake ; he see that he d done better to have listened to his faithful pardner. He see where he had missed it. But pride kep him silent, only in the little unguarded speeches that he would make in sudden moments of anger and agony, unbeknown to him. Such as sayin in loud, quick axents : " Dummit, I can t stand it so much longer." Or in low, plaintive tones, " Did Heaven ever witness such tribulation?" I d ketch him a sayin that as he would be a bringin Bill in, for Josiah would have to lift him and lug him 174 A TOUGH STRUGGLE. in when he would fall out doors. That in itself I could see was a underminin my pardner s strength and his back bones. And I shall always believe that was the reason why Danks stayed out of the way. It was underhanded in him ; he knew that boy was heavy as lead, and he knew he would fall when he had em, and would have to be fetched in, and so he jest stayed away and let Josiah do all the luggin and lifting It was three weeks before that man come, and Josiah didn t look like the same man. What with chasin after them three littlest boys, and carryin round Bill in his fallin fits, and havin the care of providiii more provisions than was ever devoured on earth before by the same number of people, and bein kep awake night after night by Miss Danks es historicks, and the oldest boy s walkin in his sleep (I don t know as 1 have mentioned it, but Bill was liable to appear to us any time, and have to be headed up stairs agin) take it all together, Josiah looked like a shadder, And thinkses I to myself, almost wildly, my principles was hefty, and they are hefty ; I have said I would stand firm, and I have stood firm. But oh, must I, must I see my pardner crumple down and die before my face and eyes ? It was Josiah s pride that stood in the way of his startin of em off. He couldn t bear to give in to me that he was in the wrong on it, and I was in the right on it. He couldn t bear to come right out openly and own up to his pardner how deceived, and fooled, and A HEAVY BILL. BILL BREAKS THE GRIN -STUN. 177 took ill lie had been. Men s pride is high, it towers up like a meetin -house steeple, and when it tottles and falls down, great is the fall thereof. I knew this, divin into the mysterious ingregiencies of men s naters so deep as I had doven, I knew this great filisofical fact as well as I knew the dimensions of the nose on my pardner s face. And so I shuddered to myself as I thought it over, and pondered on what the end would be. But I held firm on the outside, and never let on how agonized and burdened in soul I was. My mind is like a ox es for strength, and very deep. This was on a Friday mornin that 1 had this mel ancholy revery, as I looked out of the buttery window, as I stood there a washin dishes to the sink, and see Josiah come from the barn a luggin Bill in. He had had a fit, and fell acrost the grin -stun where Josiah ^, was a grindin , and Josiah had to drop everything and come a luggin of him in. He broke some of the run- nin -gear of the grin -stun that time. Josiah had it fixed so he could put a pail of water on top of it, and it would water itself while he was a grindin , but Bill had fell right acrost it and flatted it all down. It cost Josiah upwards of seven shillin s to make that loss good. Wall, that night old Banks come. It was most bed time when he come, and I didn t see him much that night. She had the historicks the first part of the night, Miss Danks did, but we knew he was with her, so we sort o gin up the care to him. Bill got up in 178 MR. DANKS IN CHARGE. his sleep, and went to prowlin round as usual in the kitchen. But Josiah headed him off up-stairs, and locked the chamber door onto him, and let his father tussle with him. He had a fallin fit, we both think, Josiah and me do, that he had, and fell onto his father, and knocked him down. We don t know it for certain, but we think so. For we heard the awful- est katouse you ever did hear. It sounded as if the house was a comin down, and then we heard groanin and sithin and low, very low swcarin . Of course we couldn t sleep none while such a rum pus was a goin on, and historicks and everything, and he a tryin to quell em down, but we lay and rested, which was a good deal for us. Wall, in the mornm , if you ll believe it, Danks told us (Miss Banks and the childern had gone down into the orchard to eat some strawberries), and Danks up and told Josiah and me that he was goin off agin that day, on the afternoon train. He did look bad, I ll say that for him ; his suf- ferin s was great. But he hadn t ort to shirk em off onto somebody else ; he hadn t ort to throw a histor- icky wife onto perfect strangers, and bring a lot of childern, perfect young hyenas, into the world, and then caper off, and let other folks tussle with em. But I held firm. I knew a crysis was approachin and drawin nigh, but 1 wasn t goin to say nothin ; I held firm ; only I says in a mecanical and sort of won- derin way: " Goin away to-day ? " JOSIAH HOLLERS. 179 " Yes," said Danks, "it is a case of life and death ; I must go." And then all of a sudden Josiah Allen bust right out, and oh ! what a scene of wild excitement rained down for the next several moments. Josiah riz right up, and hollered out to Danks louder than I most ever hearn him holler, loud enough to be hearn for half a mile, though Danks was within half a foot of him. Says he, in that loud, scareful, wild tone : "If you leave this house for half a minute, without takin your family with you, I ll prosecute you, and throw you into jail, and take the law to you." It skairt Danks dretfully; it come so unexpected onto him, he fairly jumped. And it started me for a minute, though my principles are so solid and hefty that they hold down my composure and keep it stiddy better n a iron wedge, makin my presence of mind like a ox es for strength. Says Josiah, in that awful and almost deafenin tone of hisen, and with a mean as wild and delerious as a mean ever looked on earth : " I hain t a wet-nurse, and I ll let you know I hain t, and Samantha hain t a horsepittle. Here I have," says he, in a still more agonizin tone, " here I have for week after week kep stiddy company with fallin fits and historicks. I have been broke to pieces a lug- gin boys ! and rode to death by childern ! arid eat up by tape-worms ! And there has got to be a stop put to it, or somebody is goin to get hurt," 7* 180 DANES RECOVERS HIMSELF. He was perfectly delerious, and I says to him sooth- in ly: " Be calm, Josiah ! " " I won t be calm, Samantha ! " But Danks had got over bein skairt, and begun to look cross, crosser n a bear. And he spoke out, in a pert, hateful tone, old Danks did, and says he : " Tain t nothin to me ; I don t have the fallin fits nor the historicks." He looked dretful mad, and spoke up as pert and impudent to my pardner as if it was Josialrs business to tussle with them fits and things, instead of hisen. I had thought I wouldn t put in my note at all, but I hain t one to stand by and see my pardner imposed upon. And then, too, I felt in the name of principle I ort to speak. I felt a feelin that mebby here was a chance for me to do good. And when he spoke out agin, more impudenter and hatefuler than before, " that it wasn t nothin to him," says I : "It is sunthin to you." And then I went on powerful and eloquent. I can tell you 1 talked deep and solemn to that man about what he took onto him self when he sot out in matrimony ; about the respon sibility of marriage, and bringin childern into the world ; the responsibility to God and man of usherin eternal souls into this world for everlasting joy or mis ery ; the terrible responsibility to these souls and to God, the righteous Judge; and the terrible responsi bility to the world of lettin loose in it such mighty PUTTING IN A NOTE. 181 powers for good or evil, a set of likely creeters, bless ings and benefactors forever, or shacks and sources of uncounted misery, made so greatly by early care and culture ; influences that will go on and on for all time, growing and widening out all the time, till no mind but the Eternal can reckon up or even imagine the awful consequences for good or evil of one human soul. "How dare anyone," says I, "lightly and irreverently even think on the subject, much less tackle it." I talked beautiful on the subject, and deep, deeper than I had for some time. I felt fearfully eloquent, and acted so, and very noble. But Danks acted mad, mad as a hen. And lie snapped out agin : " Who made any calculations on fallin fits and such things ? I didn t." Why, that man almost took my head off, he snapped me up so. But I didn t care ; I knew I was a talkin on principle, and that reflection is a high rock to lean and rest the moral back against. That thought is a thick umberell to keep off the little hailstuns of imper tinence and impudence that might otherwise hurt one s self-respect and mortify it. I felt well and noble in my mind, and acted well, very. I kep right on cool and collected together. And says I, " That is one great reason why any one ort to consider well on t. They ort to know that this is one of them jobs that you can t calculate on exactly how it is a comin out. You must take the chances. There is lots of undertakin s jest so jest as hard to 182 A HARD PROBLEM. tell how it is a comin out as some things in Nater. Now the greatest of minds can t figger out exactly to a minute what time the butter will come or how a marriage is a goin to turn out or jest when it will stop rainin , or begin or when the old hen will lay. " The world is a curious place, and in lots of under- takin s you have to step out blindfold and ketch holt of the consequences, good or bad. The blinders will be took offen our eyes sometime, probable, but the time is not yet. And marriage, I take it, is one of the very reskiest undertakings you can undertake. It may lead you into a happiness as pure and lofty as a certain couple I could mention have enjoyed for the neigh- berhood of 20 years. It may, and then again it mayn t. But there is one great comfort in this that there hain t in some things, such as rain, and thunder storms, and ctcctery. You needn t enlist in this war fare if you hain t a mind to that is a sweet and con- solin thought if you feel scareful over it. But if you do enlist you must take the chances of war, you must take the resks. And if it wasn t a resky piece of business to embark in, why did them old fathers put these words in the marriage service, for richer, or for poorer. They knew what they was about, them old fathers did. They knew they couldn t tell whether it would turn out rich as rich could be with blessings and bliss, or poor as poverty. Them old fathers knew that, and bein likely men and sound-moraled, they fixed FOR BETTER OR WORSE. 183 that halter so that folks couldn t squirm their necks out of it every time they got oneasy and worrysome. "Historical fits, and etcetery," says I, in reasonable tones, " might come under the head of 4 worse. But you can t slip your head out ; that YOW holds you, for better or worse. You no need to have tackled that vow, but you did, and now you ort to stand up under it ; that is law, and that is gospel too, which don t always go together." "Well, what of it," says Danks; "what if it duz ? What are you goin to do about it ? " Oh, how surly and mad that man did look. His mean would have skairt some wimmen, but it didn t me ; mebby it would if I hadn t been talkin on such high principle, but that boyed me up. "Why," says I, "as I have said more n 40 times, folks ort to get it into their heads that it is a great and serious subject that ort to be considered and prayed over arid meditated upon. They ort to realize that gettin married is a solemn thing ; solemner, if any thing, than it is not to, and that has always been con sidered a very solemn thing, very. But instead of lookin on it in this serious and becomin way, folks will caper and prance off into matrimony in jest as light and highlarious and triflin a way as if they was headin a row of fantasticks on the 4th of July. They don t consider and filosifize on it that the fan tasticks can take off their uniforms at night, and be themselves agin, but the matrimourners can t. They 184 A SOLID WALL. can t do it nohow ; there they be, matrimourners. No matter how bad they feel, and how disappointed they be by the looks of the state they have got into, they can t get out of it. They are matrimourners, and can t help themselves. " The state of wedlock lias got a high, slippery wall round it, as high up as eternity, and as low down as the same. It is a wall that caif t be stepped acrost and climbed over. It is a wall that a man or a woman can t sneak out and creep up on without fallin back it is too slippery. It is a wall that can t be broke down, and jumped over only on Bible grounds. And then when you do take that jump on Bible . grounds, oh how fatiguein that leap is. How much happiness and ease of mind the matrimourner has to drop in the jump, drop forever. And how much trouble he has to carry witli him, and disquietude of mind, and con demnation, and upbraidin s, and gossip, and evil speak ing, and hateful memories, and hauntin ones, and travel of soul and body. Oh, what a time that matri mourner duz have." " I thought," says lie, with that surly, mad look of hisen, " I thought you was one that preached up lib erty, freedom, and etcetery." " So I be," says I. " Hain t I jest been a doin of it ? Hain t I jest said that no man or woman ort to be drove into the state of matrimony by anybody only jest their own selves? But after they lay holt, and drive themselves in, they ortn t to complain. But, as I A CURIOUS STATE. 185 have said frequent, they ll find after they have drove themselves in that it is the curiousest state that ever was made. None of our States of America will com pare with it for curiosity, and some of our n are ex ceedingly curious, take em laws and all, to wit: Havin a man in congress to make laws that imprison a man for havin two wives, while he himself, proud and hauty, a settin up a makin that law, has four on em. Exceedingly curious that is, and to wit : Fixin penalties against crime and vice, and then sellin licenses to encourage and make it respectable. Oh ! how curious, how curious some of our states be ! But the state of matrimony is far curiouser. It is curi- ouser in the beginning some like a conundrum. States have to be admitted into the Union ; a union admits -you into that state. And then, it is bounded on every side by divinest possibilities of happiness, or the most despairin ones, and no knowin which will break over the frontier, and capture you. Sweetest and most rapturous joys may cover its soil as thick as blossoms on a summer prairie, or angry passions and disappointments and cares may crunch em down under foot, and set fire to em. Peace and trust and tenderness may rain over that state, or anarky and sizm." " Yes, and fallin fits," says Banks, with a bitter tone, " and historicks." " Yes," says I calmly, " matrimourners ort to take all the blessings and enjoyments and comforts with a 186 DIDN T FIGURE CLOSE ENOUGH. thankful heart, and they ort to have the courage and the nobility and the common sense to take all the evils, fallin fits, historicks, and etcetery, and etcetery, with a willin mind. You ort," says I firmly, " you ort to have figured it all out. You ort to have figured out the hull sum, orts and all, and seen what was to carry, and v got the right answer to it, before you drove yourself into that state." " Plow could I see to carry historicks ? how could I figured em out ? " says he bitterly. But I kep right on : " You ort to have studied it out, whether you was strong enough to stand the cli mate, with its torrid weather and its frigid zones, its sweet summery winds and its blasts, its squalls and hurrycams. But as I have said 40 times, if I have once, after you have drove yourself into that state, you ort to hist up your moral umberell, and make the best on t." Banks didn t look convinced at all. He muttered sunthin agin about fits and other things, and how he hadn t made no calculations on em ; and I felt fairly out of patience, and went to allegorin , as I might have known 1 should before I got through. (It is next to impossible for me to be so eloquent as I was then without allegorin some). " Why," says I, " when a man buys a farm, he must be a natural fool, or else a luny, if he expects and cal culates the sun to shine on it every day the year round. He must make calculations for rain and snow, sun MISS JOB AND I DIFFER. 187 shine and thunder. He can t expect it all to be ripe wheat and apple-sass. He buys it with his eyes open; buys it with all its possibilities of good or evil ; and don t expect, if he hain t a fool, to shirk out of car ryin of em." "Who lias shirked out of carryin of em?" says Banks. "I hain t." " You have ! " says Josiah, a jumpin up and hol- lerin at him agin ; and his face was red as a fire-bran . "I hain t ! " says Danks. " You have ! " says Josiah. "And don t you dispute me agin if you know what is good for yourself. You have shirked out of carryin that dumb boy of your n, in his dumb fits. And I let you know that I have broke my back for the last time a luggin him round, or somebody or sunthin is goin to get hurt, and I can tell you so dummit ! " 1 felt as if I should sink. My Josiah was almost doin what Miss Job advised Mr. Job to do when he was smote with agony and biles. He was almost a swearin . But here was where 1 and the late Miss Job differ. I knew my pardner s sufferin s was intense, and them sufferin s was terrible to me. But still I says in a reprovin , but tender and pityin tone : " Be calm, Josiah ! " "1 won t be calm ! " says he. Says I: "Josiah, you must; you are almost deler- ious." Says I: "You are a swearin , Josiah! be calm!" 188 ON THE WRONG SIDE. " Wall, I tell you agin that I won t be calm ; and I tell you agin, dummit! there now! dummit!" Oh ! how my pardner did look, how his axent did sound, as he uttered them fearful and profane words. And then before 1 could put in a soothin word to soothe him, Banks spoke right out, and says he : " You promised to take em for all summer, and if you don t I won t pay you a cent for their board,, and you can t make me." Here Josiah turned as white as a white milk-pail, and groaned to that extent that I thought he was a goin to faint away. And as it turned out, the law was on Banks es side. Josiah made em all go that very day, but he couldn t get a cent from em. He hired a lawyer to prosicute Banks, but Banks, bein sharp-witted and ugly (and sometimes I think that such trials as he underwent, if anybody don t take em as a means of grace, makes anybody ugly. I can t help feel in sorry for Banks, after all). But as I was a sayin , Banks worked it in such a way that Josiah lost the case, and had to pay the costs on botli sides. They was heavy bills, most as heavy as Bill Banks, and take it with what we lost boardin of em, and what the childern tore to pieces, and Bill smashed and squshed down, a fallin on em, take it all together, it is a loss that makes Josiah Allen groan now every time he thinks on it. We don t either of us think his back will erer feel as it did before. He strained it beyond its strength. A VISIT FROM MISS RICKERSON. IT was about a week after the Danks es departure and exodus. It was a cool day for the time of the year, and very windy. And I was settin calm and peaceful, hullin some strawberries for dinner. For my companion, Josiah Allen, had gone to Jonesville, and I wanted to have dinner ready by the time of his arrival. But I had only jest got my potatoes pared and over the stove, when I heard the old mare and him drive into the barn-yard. He had come sooner than I looked for. But it didn t excite me ; I was pre pared. For not knowin exactly the time of his arrival, I had made ready for any emergency. I had drawed the table out, and put the table-cloth on ; and 1 felt at rest, and peaceful. Let wimmen whose pardners are wont to rampage round and act, when they come in and find dinner only jest begun let em not tell any wrong stories or exagerations or parables, let em not bandy words or argue^ but let em, jest before he comes in, draw out (189) 190 A TRICK WORTH KNOWING. the table and throw the table-cloth on, and everything will move on peaceful ; their pardners will think dinner is most ready, and as they glance at that snowy table cloth their wrath will leave em, and they will demean themselves like lambs, I only tell what I have learnt from experience. And any little crumbs of wisdom and knowledge that I have gained by hard experience, and through tribulation, I am willin to share freely, without money and without price, with the female sect ; 1 think so much of em, and wish em so well. Now jest this one little receipt, this table-cloth performance,- would have been worth dollars and dollars to me if 1 had known it when I was first a pardner. But I never found it out till I had been married over thirteen years, and had been jawed accordingly, when I was belated and dinner wasn t ready. Why no woman would have any idee of its value till they try it. Men are as likely crceters as the earth affords, if you only know how to get along with em. And wimmen has to try various ways and measures. 1 learnt this jest by tryin it as a experiment. I have tried a good many experiments- - little harmless ones like this. Some of em work, and some don t. Wall, I sot there hullin my berries, and listenin to the wind, which was a roarin round the house. Seems as if 1 never heard it blow no harder. It blowed for all the world as if it had been kep in through sickness HOW IT WORKED. 191 in its family, or sunthin , and was out now for the first time, on a regular spree. And though it didn t come right out and sing em in plain words, yet it seemed- to be a roarin it down the chimbley, and blowin it through the orchard and round the corners of the house, and whistlin it through the open buttery window the song that other elevated and gay spirits indulge in, about bein fairly determined and sot to not go home till mornin . It blowed fearfully. But I was calm and peaceful, knowin the table-cloth was on, and Josiah would act first-rate. And then, when a tempest is a howlin and a actin out-doors, it seems as if I enjoy more than ever the safety and sweet repose and happiness of my own hearth-stun (which last is a poetical simely, our hearth not bein stun at all, but iron, with a nickel pi at in round it). Wall, there I sot, feelin well and lookin well. I had combed my hair slick, and put on a clean gingham dress, when Josiah Allen opened the door and walked in. He glanced at the table-cloth, and a calm, contented look settled upon his eye-brow, but he left the door open behind him as composed as if he had been born in a saw-mill ; and says I ? " Josiah Allen, if there was a heavy fine to pay for shettin up doors, you wouldn t never loose a cent of your property in that way." And says I, clutchin my pan of strawberries with a firmer grip, for truly it was a movin and onstiddy, and my apron was a flut- 192 WELL BALLASTED, term like a banner in the cold breeze : "If you don t want me to blow away, Josiah Allen, shet up that door." "Oh shaw! Samantha. You won t blow away; you are too hefty. It would take a hurrycane and a simon, too, to tackle you, and lift you." "SHUT THAT " Simon who ? " says I, in cold axents, caused partly by my frigid emotions and the cool blast, and partly by his darin to say any man could take me up and carry me away. " Oh ! the simons they have on the desert. Wo HE TOOK HIS TIME. 193 hearn Thomas J. read about em. They ll blow cam els away, and everything." Says I dreamily : u Who d have thought twenty years ago, to have heard that man a courtin me, and callin me a zephire and a pink posy and a angel, that he d ever live to see the day he d call me a camel." " I hain t called you a camel. I only meant you was hefty, and camels was hefty, and it would take a simon or two to lift you round, either on you." "Wall," says I, in frigid tones, "what I want to know is, are you a goin to shet that door?" " Yes, I be, jest as quick as I change my clothes. I don t want to fodder in these new briches." I rose with dignity, or as much dignity as I could lay holt of, half bent, tryin to keep five or six quarts of strawberries from spillin all over the floor, and went and shet the door myself, which I might have known enough to done in the first place, and saved time and breath. For shettin up doors is a accom plishment that Josiah Allen never will master. I have tutored him up on lots of things since we was married, but in this branch of education he has been too much for me. Experiments have been vain; I have about gin up. In the course of ten or fifteen minutes, Josiah come out of the bedroom lookin as pleasant and peace ful as you please, with his hands in his pantaloons pockets, seemin ly searchin their remotest depths, and says he in a off-hand, careless way : 194 JUST AS ALL MEN DO. " I ll be hanged if there hain t a letter for you, Samantha." " How many weeks have you carried it round, Josiah Allen?" says I. "It would scare me if you should give me a letter before you had carried it round in your pockets a month or so." " Oh ! I guess I only got this two or three days ago. I meant to handed it to you the first thing when I got home. But I hain t had on these old breeches sence that day I went to mill." "Three weeks ago to-day," says I, in almost frosty axents, as I opened my letter. " Wall," says Josiah cheerfully, as he hunted round in the bedroom for his old hat, " I knew it wuzn t long, anyway." I glanced my gray eye down the letter, and says I in agitated tones : " Come out here, Josiah Allen, and let me look at you, and wither you ! She that was Alzina Ann Allen is comin here a visatin . She wrote me three weeks ahead, so s to have me prepared. And here she is liable to come in on us any minute, now, and find us all unprepared." Says I, " I wouldn t have had it hap pen for a ten-cent bill to had one of the relation on your side come and ketch me in such a condition. There the curtains are all down in the spare room. Bill Danks fell and dragged em down onto the floor under him, and mussed em all up, and I washed em yesterday, and they hain t ironed. And the carpet in A PROVOKING ANNOUNCEMENT. 195 the Gettin -room up to mend, where he fell onto it with a lighted candle in his hand and sot it afire. And not a mite of fruit-cake in the house, and she a coinin here to-day. I am mortified most to death, Josiah Allen. And if you had give me that letter, I should have hired help and got everything done. I should think your conscience would smart like a burn, if you have got a conscience, Josiah Allen." " Wall, less have a little sunthin to eat, Samantha, and I ll help round." " Help ! What ll you do, Josiah Allen ? " " Oh! I ll do the barn chores, and help all I can. I guess you d better cook a little of that canned sammen I got to Jonesville." Says I coldly, " I believe, Josiah Allen, if you was on your way to the gallus, you d make em stop and get vittles for you meat vittles, if you could." I didn t say nothin more, for, as the greatest poets have sung, "the least said, the soonest mended." But I rose, and with outward calmness opened the can of salmon, and jest as I put that over the stove, with some sweet cream and butter, if you ll believe it, that very minute she that was Alzina Ann Allen drove right up to the door, and come in. You could have knocked me down with a hen s feather (as it were), my feelin s was such ; but I concealed em as well as I could, and advanced to the door, and says I : " How do you do, Miss Rickerson ? " She is married to Bildad Rickerson, old Dan Rickerson s oldest boy. 196 ALZINA S GREETING. She is a tall, bony woman, light-complected, sandy- haired, and with big, light-blue eyes. I hadn t seen ARRIVAL OF MISS RICKERSON. her for nineteen years, but she seemed dretful tickled to see me, and says she : " You look younger, Samantha, than you did the first time I ever seen you." "Oh, no!" says I, "that can t be, Alzina Ann, for that is in the neighborhood of thirty years ago." Says she, " It is true as I live and breathe, you look younger and handsomer than I ever see you look." EASILY SUITED. 197 I didn t believe it, but I thought it wouldn t look well to dispute her any more ; so I let it go ; and mebby she thought she had convinced me that I did look younger than I did when I was eighteen or twenty. But 1 only said " That I didn t feel so young any way. I had spells of feelin mauger." She took off her things, or "wrappers," as Tirzah Ann says it is more genteel to call em. She was dressed up awful slick, and Josiah helped the driver bring in her trunk. And I told her jest how mortified I wuz about Josiah s forgettin her letter, and her ketchin me unprepared. But good land! she told me that " she never in her hull life see a house in such beautiful order as mine was, and she had seen thous ands and thousands of different houses." Says I, " I feel worked up and almost mortified about my settin -room carpet bein up." But she held up both hands they was white as snow, and all covered with rings and says she, "If there is one tiling that I love to see more than another it is to see a settin -room carpet up, it gives such a sort of a free, noble look to a room." Says I, " The curtains are down in the spare bed room, and I am almost entirely out of cookin ." Says she, " If I had my way, I never would have a curtain up to a window. The sky always looks so pure and innocent somehow. It is so beautiful to set and look up into the calm heavens, with no worldly obstructions between, such as curtains. It is so sweet 198 HEFTY WORDS. to sit in your chair, and knit tattin , and commune with holy nature. And cookin ," says she, with a look of complete disgust on her face, "why I fairly despise cookin . What s the use of it?" says she, with a sweet smile. " Why," says I, reasonably, "if it wasn t for cookin vittles and eatin em, I guess we shouldn t stand it a great while, none of us." I didn t really like the way she went on. Never, never, through my hull life, was I praised up by any body as I was by her durin the three days that she stayed with us. She praised everything fur beyond what they would bear. I believe in praisin things that will stand praisin . Nothin does any one more good than appreciation. Honest admiration, sympathy, and good-will put into words are more inspirin and stimulatin than tongue can tell. They are truly ref reshin . I think as a rule we New Englanders arc too cold in our means. Mebby it is settin on Plymouth Rock so much, or leanin up against Bunker Hill Monument ; or mebby we took it from our old Puriten four-fathers, and mebby them four old men ketched cold in their demeaniers from settin under the chilly blue light of their old laws, or took the trait from the savages. Any way, we are too undemonstrative and reticent (them are very hefty words, and it is seldom indeed that I harness up a span of such a size to carry my idees. As a general thing I don t have idees so hefty but TRUE PRAISE A BLESSING. 199 what I can draw em along with considerable small words. And I prefer em always, as bein easier reined in, and held up, and governed. Why, I have seen such awful big words harnessed in front of such weak little idees that they run away with em, kicked in the harness, got all tangled up, and made a perfect wrack and ruin of the little idee. Hence, I am cau tious, and if I owned droves of em, I should be on the safe side, and handle em careful and not drive em hardly any. But these two I have heard Thomas J. use in jest this place, and hain t a doubt but they are safe and stiddy as any ever was of their size.) Thomas J. said, and I believe, that we are too bash ful, or shy, or sunthin , too afraid of expressin our hearty appreciation, the honest, friendly admiration and regard we entertain for our friends. But if my friends like me, or my work, I want em to tell me of it, to give me the help, and encouragement, and insperation this knowledge will bring. A few sympathetic, cheerin words and a warm smile and hand-clasp will do more good than to wait and cut the praise on marble, when the heart they would have cheered and lightened is beyond the touch of joy or pain. I think it is not only silly, but unchristian, to be so afraid of tellin our friends frankly how pleasant and admirable we think them, if we do think so. But let us not lie. Let us not praise what won t stand praisin . Now when Alzina Ann Rickerson told me that I was as pretty as any wax doll she ever see in her life and if my intel- 200 OVERDOING IT. lect and Shakespeare s intellect was laid side by side, Shakespeare s would look weak and shiftless compared with mine and when she said that my old winter bunnet that I had wore on and off for thirteen years was the most genteel and fashionable, and the loveliest piece of rnillionary she ever sot her eyes on, she was goin too fur. Why, that old bunnet wouldn t hardly hold together to stand her praisin . And she praised up everything. She flattered Kellup Cobb so, when he happened to come in there one mornin , that it skairt him most to death. He had been up by on his father s business, and as he come along back he stopped the hearse and come in to see when Kitty was a comin back, and to see if he could borrow Josiah s stun-bolt that afternoon to draw some stuns. He was goin. to wait till Josiah come back from the factory to see about it, but Alzina Ann praised him up so, and looked so admiringly at him, that he dassent. As a general thing I think Kellup is afraider than he need to be of doin hurt and gettin wimmen in love with him, but now I ll be hanged if I blame him for thinkin he was doin dam age. Why, she praised him up to the very skies. She pretended to think that his hair and whiskers and eyebrows was the natural color. They was a sort of a greenish color that mornin he had been a tam- perin with em agin, and tryin experements. He had been a usin smartweed and sage, as I found out after wards, and they bein yellow before, the two colors PLYING HER PROFESSION. 201 together made em a sort of a dark bottle-greenmade him look as curious as a dog, and curiouser than any dog I ever laid eyes on. But oh, how Alzina Ann did praise em up. You d have thought, to heard her go on, that she had all her hull life been longin to ketch a glimpse of jest such colored hair and whiskers. She said they looked so strikin , and she never had seen anything like em in her life before, which last I don t doubt at all. And then she would glance out at the hearse, and tell him he looked so noble and impressive on it, it give him such a lofty, majestic look, so becomin to his style. And then she would branch off again and praise up his looks. Why, I don t wonder a mite that Kellup thought he was ensnarin her affections and doin harm. He follered me out onto the back stoop, where I was feedin a chicken that the old hen had forsook, and 1 was bringin up as a corset. He follered me out there, and whispered, with a anxious look, that he was goin to start for home that minute, that he dassent wait another minute to see Josiah about the stun-bolt ; and, says he, with a awful anxious look : " I am afraid I have done hurt as it is, but Heaven knows I didn t mean to." 1 threw the corset another handful of dough, and told him, in a encouragin tone, that "I guessed he hadn t done much harm." " Why," says he, " don t you s pose I could see for 202 WHAT SHE WAS DOIN . myself what I was a doin ? She was a gettin head over heels in love with me. And," says he, frownin and knittin up his eyebrows : "What good will it do to have another married woman a droopin round after me ?" KELLUP 8 CONUNDRUM. Says I, mechanically, as I put some fresh water on the corset s dish : " I thought you wanted to see Josiah about the stun- bolt, you said you needed it." " Yes, I need the stun-bolt, but I need a easy con science more. I had ruther lug the stuns in my arms, and crack my back, and bruise my stomach, than crack A LOVELY CREETER. 203 the commandments and strain my principles. 1 see from her actions that I have got to leave at once, or no knowin what the consequences will be to her. I am afraid she will suffer now, suffer intensely. But what can a man do?" says he, frownin heavily. "They have got to go around some, and do errants. And if wi mine n lay traps for em on every side, and make fools of themselves, what is a man to do ? But 1 don t want to do harm, Heaven knows 1 don t." And he started for the gate almost on the run. And I was jest a goin in when Alzina Ann come out to the back door herself, and happenin to see the corset, she said " she should rather have it for a pet, and it was far handsomer and more valuable than any mockin - bird, or canary, or parrot she ever laid eyes on." And so she kep on in jest that way. And one mornin when she had been goin on dretfully that way, I took Josiah out one side and told him " I couldn t bear to hear her go on so, and I believed there was sunthin wrong about it." "Oh, no," says he, "she means every word she says. She is one of the loveliest crccters on earth. She is most a angel. Oh!" says he, dreamily, "What a sound mind she has got. How fur she can see into things." Says I, " I heard her a tellin you this mornin that you was one of the handsomest men she ever laid eyes on, and didn t look a day over twenty-one." " Wall," says he, with the doggy firmness of his sect, 8* 204 A SOFT SPOT. "she thinks so; she says jest exactly what she thinks." And says he, in firm axents, " I am a good-lookin fel ler, Samantha a crackin good-lookin chap ; but I never could make you own up to it." 1 didn t say nothin , but my gray eye wandered up, and lighted on his bald head. It rested there scarch- in ly and very coldly for a moment or two, and then says I sternly, " Bald heads and beauty don t go together worth a cent. But you was always vain, Josiah Allen." Says he, "What if I wuz?" And says he, "She thinks different from what you do about my looks. She has got a keen eye in her head for beauty. She is very smart, very. And what she says, she means." " Wall," says I, " I am glad you are so happy in your mind. But mark my words, you won t always feel so neat about it, Josiah Allen, as you do now." Says he in a cross, surly way, "I guess I know what I do know." I hain t a jealous hair in the hull of my foretop or back hair, but I thought to myself, I d love to see Josiah Allen s eyes opened ; for I knew as well as I knew my name was Josiah Allen s wife, that that woman didn t think Josiah was so pretty and beauti ful. But I didn t see how I was goin to convince him, for he wouldn t believe me when I told him she was a makin of it ; and I knew she would stick to what she had said, and so there it was. But I held firm, and cooked good vittles, and done well by her. CASSANDRA S TEA PARTY. very afternoon we was all invited to take JL tea with she that was Cassandra Allen, Miss Nathan Spooner, that now is. And we all went, Alzina Ann, Josiah, and me. Cassandra didn t use to be likely. She had a mis fortune when she was a girl. It is six years old now. But all of a sudden she took a turn, and went to behavin . She learnt the dress-maker s trade, experi enced religion, and jined the Methodist Church. And folks begun to make of her. I didn t use to associate with her at all, Josiah didn t want me to, though she is his 2nd cousin on his father s side. But jist as quick as she went to behavin , we went to makin of her. And the more she behaved, the more we made ; till we make as much of her now as we do of any of the relation on my side, or on hisen And last fall she was married to Nathan Spooner. She got ac quainted with him about two years ago. Nathan is a likely feller, all that ails him is he is (205) 206 A LIKELY FELLER. bashful, too bashful for any sort of comfort. But Cassandra is proud-spirited, and holds him up, and 1 tell Cassandra u I dare say he ll get over it by the time he gets to be a old man. I tell her " I shouldn t wonder at all if by the time he got to be seventy or eighty, he would talk up quite well." I try to make her feel well, and encourage her all I can. A MORTIFYIN MOMENT. 207 But bein proud-spirited, it works her up awfully to have Nathan get over the fence, rather than meet a strange woman, and walk in the lot till he gets by her. And it mortified her dretfully, I s pose, when she intro duced him to our new minister and his wife, to have him instead of bowin to em, and speakin , turn his back to em, and snicker. NATHAN SNICKERS. But he couldn t help it, I told her he couldn t. I was present at the time, and 1 could see, his mouth bein a little open, that his tongue was dry, and parched, and his eyes wild and sot in his head. 208 A BAD FIX. He has the worst of it, as I told Cassandra it don t hurt nobody else so bad as it does him. But I s pose it has been almost the means of his death, time and a gi u through his not dastin to call for anything to eat when he is away from home, and not dastin to eat it when it is on the table. And then again, sometimes, through his not dastin to stop eatin when he gets at it. He went to Bobbets one day in the fall of the year, it was a year ago this present fall. Cassandra was a sewin for Miss Bobbet. They had jest had some new corn ground, and they had a new corn puddin and milk for dinner. Nathan had been to dinner jest before he went in there. His mother had had a boiled dinner, and mince pie, and etcetery he had eat a awful dinner, and was so full he felt fairly uncomfortable. But Miss Bobbet urged him to set down and eat, and wouldn t take no refusal. She thought he was refus- in because he was bashful, and she urged him out of his way, telling him he must eat, and he, not dastin to refuse any longer, thought he would set down and eat a few mouthfuls, if he could, though it seemed to him as if he couldn t get down another mouthful. But when lie stopped, Cassandra, thinkin it was bashfulness that made him stop, and thinkin a good deal of him then and wantin him to eat all the pud- din he wanted, she told him she shouldn t think he showed good manners at all, if he didn t eat as much A VICTIM OF APPETITE. 209 as she did, anyway. So he dassent do anything else then, only jest eat as long as they wanted him to, and lie did. Miss Bobbet would press him to have his bowl filled up again PUDDING AND MILK. with mUk > 91ld CaSSan dra would urge him to have a little more puddin , and he not dastin to stop, after she had said what she had, I spose he eat pretty nigh three quarts. It almost killed him. He vom ited all the way home, and was laid up bed-sick for more n two weeks. And he has destroyed his clothes dretfully. Now hats, 1 spose it took pretty nigh all he could earn to 210 SUFFERHST UNSPEAKABLE. keep himself in hats. When he would go to any new place, or evenin meetings or anything, he would muss em so, rub em, and everything why, he couldn t keep no nap on a hat at all, not for any length of time he would rub em so, and poke at em, and jab em, and wring em when he was feelin the worst. Why, he got holt of Josiah s hat, thinkin it was hisen, one night at a church social ; they appointed Nathan to some office, and he wrung that hat till there wasn t no shape of a hat to it. When Josiah put it on to go home, it was a sight to behold. Anybody would have thought that it was the fashion in the Allen family to wear hats for night-caps, and this had been the family hat to sleep in for years. Josiah was for makin him pay for the wear and tear of it. But I wouldn t hear a word to it. I told him breakin bruised reeds, or smokin flax, would be tender-hearted business com pared to makin anybody pay for such sufferin s as Nathan Spooner had suffered that night. Says I, " if he wrung one mite of comfort out o that hat, for pity sake don t begrech it to him." Why, I have been so sorry for that feller that I didn t know what to do. Now when he was a courtin Cassandra (and how he ever got -up spunk enough to court a mouse, is a mystery to me), Cassandra used to sew for me, and he would come there evenin s to see her, and set the hull evenin long and not say nothin , but jest look at her, and twirl his thumbs one over the other. And I told Josiah " I felt bad for THE FAMILY NIGHT-CAP. HOW IT WAS POPPED. 213 him, and it seemed as if his thumbs must give out after a while, and it looked fairly solemn to me, to see em a goin so, for evenin after evenin , and week after week, without any change." And Josiah said there was a change. He said about the middle of the evenin he changed thumbs, and twirled em the other way. I don t know whether it was so or not. I couldn t see no change ; and I told Josiah I couldn t. How under the sun he ever got up courage to ask her to marry him, is another deep and mysterious mystery, and always has been. But there are strange things in this world that there hain t no use try in to pry into and explain. But in his feeble way, he courted her a good deal, and thought everything of her, anybody could see that. And he popped the question to her, or she to him, or it popped itself, anyway it was popped, and they was married. They said he suffered dretfully the day he was married, and acted strange and bad. They said he seemed to act sort o paralyzed and blind. And she had to take the lead, and take holt of his hand, and lead him up to the minister, instead of his leadin her. Some made fun of it, but I didn t. I told J em I presumed he was fairly blind for the time bein , and sort o numb, and didn t sense what was passin round him. It made it as bad agin for him, to think he fell jest 214 AN AWKWARD FALL. after they was married. You see he sort o backed off to set down, for he needed rest. And feelin so weak and wobblin and S0rt tottlin he didn t back quite fur enough, and sot NATHAN SOT DOWN. right down on the floor. It hurt him awfully, I s pose, from their tell. He was tall, and they say he struck hard. But he was too bashful to have a doctor, or make any fuss, only jest set there where he wuz. Some think he would have sot there all night, and not tried to make a move towards gettin up at all. But Cassandra was proud-spirited, and HOW HIS HEALTH WAS. 215 helped him up onto his feet. But they said he acted jest exactly like a fool. And I told em in reasonable axents "that I pre sumed he wuz a fool for the time bein ." Says I, " When anybody s senses are gone, they are a fool." Says I, " It is jest as bad to be skairt out of em, as be born without em, as long as it lasts." But says I, " He knows enough when he hain t skairt to death." And he does. He is industrious, and so is she, and I shouldn t wonder if they got along first-rate, and done well. Wall, when we got there, Nathan was settin by the stove in the settin -room. He was afraid of Alzina Ann, and was too bashful to set down, or stand up, or speak, or anything. And when she asked him " how his health was," he didn t say nothin , but looked down on the floor, and under his chair, and into his hat, as if he was tryin to find his health, and drive it out, and make it tell how it was. But she asked him over agin she was perfectly heartless, or else she didn t notice his sufferings. And the second time she asked him, he sort o looked under his chair agin, and into his coat pocket, and seemed to give up findin his health and makin it speak for him, - so he said, sort o dry and husky, sunthin about bein " comfortable." Which was one of the biggest stories Nathan Spooner had told sence he j ined the meetin -house, for he wuzn t comfortable ; far from it. His face was 216 SOLID COMFORT. red as blood, and he was more than half blind, I could see that by the looks of his mean. But after awhile he seemed to revive up a little. He wuzn t afraid of me and Josiah, not very. And after Alzina Ann and Cassandra got engaged in talkin, he said quite a number of words to us, as rational and straight as anybody. But Alzina Ann had to bring back his sufferin s agin, and worse than he had suffered. I hadn t said a word to Alzina Ann about Cassan dra s misfortune ; I hadn t mentioned the child to her. He is a dretful humbly child, about the humbliest boy I ever see in my life. He looks fairly pitiful he is so humbly, and he hain t more than half-witted, I think. But Alzina Ann couldn t keep still ; she had to flatter somebody, or sunthin , so she had to begin agin : " How much ! how much ! that beautiful little boy looks like his pa! Don t you think so ?" says she to Cassandra. And then she would look at Nathan, and then at the boy, in that rapt, enthusiastic way of her n. And says she to Cassandra : " Hain t it a comfort to you to think he looks so much like his pa ? " And Cassandra s face would get red as blood, and I could see by her looks that she hadn t the least idee what to say, or do, she was so awful wretched, and feerfully uncomfortable. And truly if Nathan Spooner could have sunk right down through the floor into the suller, right , into the potato-ben, or pork- CASSANDRA S MISFORTUNE, THE ROMAN NOSE. 219 barrell, it would have been one of the most blessed reliefs to him that he ever enjoyed. If she had said what she had to say, and then left off ; but Alzina Ann never ll do that ; she has to enlarge on her idees. And so she would keep a-askin Cassandra in that rapturous, admirin way of her n, if she didn t think her boy had the same noble, hand some look and manners that his father had. And Cassandra s face and Nathan s would be as red as two red woolen shirts. And then Alzina Ann would look at the child s pug nose, and then at Nathan s, which is a sort of a Roman one, and the best feature on his face, as Josiah says. She would look from one nose to the other as if she admired both of em so she couldn t hardly stop lookin at em, and would ask Nathan a if folks hadn t told him before how much his little boy resembled his pa?" And Nathan didn t say nothin but jest set there real as blood, his eyes fixed and glarin on the opposite wall, a watchin it as close and wishful as if he expect ed to see a relief party set out from it to befriend him, and shoot him down where he sot, or drag him off into captivity. Anything that would relieve him of his present sufferings he would have hailed gladly. I could see that by his mean. But at supper-time worse was in store for him. Her supper was good good enough for anybody. She haint got a great deal to do with, but bein a little afraid of Alzina Ann, and bein proud-spirited and 220 THE RIGHT WAY. wantin to make a good appearance, Cassandra had sent over and borrowed her mother-in-laws s white- handled knives, and entirely unbeknown to Alzina Ann I had carried her over some tea-spoons and other things for her comfort, for if Cassandra means to do better, and try to get along and be respectable, I want to encourage her all I can, so I carried her the spoons. But all the time Cassandra was a settin the table, Nathan looked worse and worse; he looked so bad it didn t seem as if we could keep him out of the suller. He realized what was in front of him. You see Cassandra, bein so determined to do bet ter, and start right in the married life, made a prac tice of makin Nathan ask a blessin . But he hem so uncommon bashful, it made it awful hard for him when they had company. He wuzn t a professor, nor nothin , and it come tough on him. He looked more and more as if he would sink all the while she was a gettin the supper onto the table. And when she was a settin the chairs round the table he looked so bad that I didn t know but what he would have to have help to get to the table. And he would give the most pitiful and beseechin looks onto Cassandra that ever was, but she would shake her head at him, and look decid ed, and then he would look as if he would wilt right down agin. So, when we got set down to the table, Cassandra give him a real firm look, and he give a kind of a low groan, and shet up his eyes, and Cassandra, and me, SUCH BEAUTIFUL KNIVES. 221 and Josiah put on a becomin look for the occasion, and shet up our n, when, all of a sudden, Alzina Ann- she never asked a blessin in her own house, and for got that other folks did she spoke out in a real loud, admirin tone, and says she : " There ! 1 will say it, I never see such beautiful knives as them be, in my hull life. White-handled knives, with a gilt of sun-flowers on em, is something I always wanted to own, and always thought I would own. But never, never did I see any that was so per fectly beautiful as these are." And she held her knife out at arm s length, and looked at it admirin ly, and almost rapturusly. Nathan looked bad, dretful bad, for he see by Cassandra s looks that she wuzn t goin to set him free from the blessin . And he sort o nestled round, and looked under the table, a wishful and melancholy look, as if he had hopes of findin a blessin there ; as if he thought mebby there might be one a layin round loose on the floor that he could get holt of, and so be sot free himself. But we didn t none on us reply to Alzina Ann, and she seemed to kind o quiet down, and Cassandra give Nathan another look, and he bent his head, and shet up his eyes agin, and she, and me, and Josiah shet up our n. And Nathan was jest be- ginnin agin, when Alzina Ann broke out afresh, and says: " What wouldn t I give if I owned some knives like 222 A TRYIN TIME. them? What a proud and happy woman it would make me." That rousted us all up agin, and never did I see unless it was on a funeral occasion a face look as BAD FOR NATHAN. Nathan s face looked. Nobody could have blamed him a mite if he had gin up then, and not made another effort. But Cassandra bein so awful determined to do jest right, and start right in the married life, she winked to Nathan agin, as firm and decided a wink as I ever see wunk, and shet up her eyes, and Josiah and I done as she done, and shet up our n. NATHAN S POLITICS. 223 And Nathan (feelin as if he must sink), got all ready to begin agin. He had jest got his mouth opened, when says Alzina Ann, in that rapturus way of her n : " Do tell me, Cassandra, how much did you give for these knives, and where did you get em?" Then it was Cassandra s turn to feel as if she must sink, for, bein so proud-spirited, it was like pullin out a sound tooth to tell Alzina Ann they was bor rowed. But bein so sot in tryin to do right she would have up and told her. But I, feelin sorry for her, branched right off, and asked Nathan " if he layed out to vote republican or democrat." Cassandra sithed, and went to pourin out the tea. And Nathan, feelin so relieved, brightened up, and spoke up like a man, the first words he spoke out loud and plain, like a human bein , that day says he : " If things turn out with me as I hope they will, I calc late to vote for old Peter Cooper." I could see by the looks of Josiah s mean that he was a gettin kinder sick of Alzina Ann, and (though I haint got a jealous hair in the hull of my back-hair and fore top) I didn t care a mite if he wuz. But truly worse wuz to come. After supper Josiah and me was a settin in the spare room close to the window, a lookin through Cassandra s album, when we heard Alzina Ann and Cassandra out under the window a-lookin at the posy bods, when Alzina Ann says : 224 ALZINA SHOWS HER COLORS. " You must excuse my lookin at you so much, Cassandra, but you are so lovely and fair-lookin that I can t keep my eyes offen you. And what a noble- appearin husband you have got perfectly splendid! And how pleasant it is here to your house perfectly beautiful! Seem we are such friends to her, I feel free to tell you what a awful state 1 find Josiah Allen s wife s house in. Not a mite of a carpet on her settin - room floor, and nothin gives a room such a awful look as that. She said it was up to mend, but, between you and me, I don t believe a word of it. I believe it was up for some other purpose, somethin she didn t want to tell. "And the curtains was down in my room, and I had to sleep all the first night in that condition. I might jest as well set up, for I could not sleep, it looked so. And when she got em up the next mornin , they wuzn t nothin but plain, white muslin. I should think she could afford something a little more decent than that for her spare room. And she hadn t a mite of fruit cake in the house, only two kinds of common- lookin cake. She said Josiah forgot to give her my letter, and she didn t get word I was comin till about ten minutes before I got there; but, between you and me, I never believed that for a minute. I believe they got up that story between em to excuse it off, tilings lookin so. If I wuzn t such a friend of hern, and didn t think such a sight of her, I wouldn t mention it THE MIGHTY FALL. 225 for the world. But I think everything of her, and everybody knows I do, so 1 feel free to talk about her. " How humbly she has growed 1 Don t you think so ? And her mind seems to be kind o runnin down. For how under the sun she can think so much of that sim ple old husband of hern is a mystery to me, unless she is growin foolish. If it was your husband, Cassandra, nobody would wonder at it, such a splendid, noble- appearin gentleman as he is. But Josiah Allen was always a poor, insignificant-lookin creeter ; and now he is the humbliest, and foolishest, and meachin est- lookin creeter I ever see in human shape. And he looks as old as Grandfather Rickerson, every mite as old, and he is most ninety. And he is vain as a pea hen." I jest glanced round at Josiah, and then instinctively I looked away agin. His countenance was perfectly awful. Truly, the higher we are up the worse it hurts us to fall down. Bcin lifted up on such a height of vanity and vain-glory, and fallin down from it so sudden, it most broke his neck (speakin* in a poetical and figurative way). I, myself, havin had doubts of her all the time, didn t feel nigh so worked up and curious, it more sort o madded me, it kind o operated in that way on me. And so, when she begun agin to run Josiah and me down to the lowest notch, called us all to naught, made out we wuzn t hardly fit to live, and was most fools, and then says agin: A LOFTY MEAN. " I wouldn t say a word aginst em for the world if I wuzn t such a friend to em" Then 1 riz right up, and stood in the open window ; and it come up in front of me some like a pulpit, and 1 s pose my mean looked considera ble like a preacher s when they get carried away with the subject, and almost by the side of themselves. Alzina Ann quailed the minute she sot her eyes on FACE TO FACE. MY TALK ON FRIENDSHIP. 227 me, as much or more than any minister ever made a congregation quail, and, says she, in tremblin tones : " You know anybody will take liberties with a friend that they wouldn t with anybody else." Says I, in deep, awful tones, " I never believed in knockin folks down to show off that we are inti mate with em." " Wall," says she, " you know I do think everything in the world of you. You know I shouldn t have said a word aginst you if I wuzn t such a warm friend of yourn." " Friend ! " says I, in awful axents, "friend ! Alzina Ann Rickerson, you don t know no more about that word than if you never see a dictionary. You don t know the true meanin of that word no more than a African babe knows about slidin down hill." Says I, " The Bible gives a pretty good idee of what it means : it speaks of a man layin down his life for his friend. Dearer to him than his own life. Do you s pose such a friendship as that would be a mistrustin round, a tryin to rake up every little fault they could lay holt of, and talk em over with everybody ? Do you s pose it would creep round under windows and back bite and slander a Josiah ? " I entirely forgot for the moment that she had been a talkin about me, for truly abuse heaped upon my pardner seems ten times as hard to bear up under as if it was heaped upon me. Josiah whispered to me : " That is right, Samantha ! 228 RESPECTABLE ENMITY. give it to her!" and, upheld by duty and that dear man, I went on, and says I : "My friends, those I love and who love me, are sacred to me. Their well-being and their interest is as dear to me as my own. I love to have others praise them, prize them as I do ; and I should jest as soon think of goin round tryin to rake and scrape sunthin to say aginst myself as aginst them." Agin I paused for breath, and agin Josiah whis pered : " That is right, Samantha ! give it to her ! " Worshipin that man as I do, his words was far more inspirin and stimulatin to me than root beer. Agin I went on, and says I : " Maybe it hain t exactly accordin to Scripture, but there is somethin respectable in open enmity in be- ginnin your remarks about anybody honestly, in this way : c Now I detest and despise that man, and I am goin to try to relieve my mind by talkin about him jest as bad as I can ; and then proceed and tear him to pieces in a straightforward, manly way. I don t s pose such a course would be upheld by the postles. But there is a element of boldness and courage in it amountin almost to grandeur, when compared to this kind of talk : < I think everything in the world of that man. I think he is jest as good as he can be, and he hain t got a better friend in the world than I am ; and then go on, and say all you can to injure him. " Why, a pirate runs up his skeleton and cross-bars WORSE THAN A PIRATE. 229 when he is goin to rob and pillage. I think, Alzina Ann, if I was in your place 1 would make a great effort, and try and be as noble and magnanimous as a pirate." Alzina Ann looked like a white hollyhawk that had been withered by a untimely frost. But Cassandra looked tickled (she hadn t forgot her sufferin s, and the sufferin s of Nathan J?pooner). And my Josiah looked proud and triumphant in mean. And he told me in confidence, a goin home (and I wouldn t wish it spoke of agin, for folks might think it was foolish in me to tell such little admirin speeches that a companion will make in moments of harmony and confidence). But he said that he hadn t seen me look so good to him as I did when I stood there in the winder, not for much as thirteen years. Says he: " Samantha, you looked almost perfectly beautiful." That man worships the ground I walk on, and I do hisen. THE LORDS OF CREATION. JOSIAH Allen is awful tickled to think lie is a man. He has said so to me, time and agin. And I don t wonder a mite at it. Men arc first-rate creeters, and considerable good-lookin . I have always said so. And they have such glorious chances to be noble and grand, and to work for the true and the right, that I don t wonder a mite that Josiah feels just as he duz feel. And when Josiah tells me how highly tickled he is lie is a man when he says it in a sort of a pensive and dreamy way, kinder miselanious like I don t re sent it in him but on the contrary approve of it in him, highly. But once in a while he will get to feelin kind o cross and uppish, and say it to me in a sort of a twittin way, and boastin . Mebby he will begin by readin out loud to me sun- thin against wimmen s rights, in the World or almanac, or some other high-toned periodical; some times it will be awful cuttin arguments aginst wim- men. And after he gets through readin it he will (230) , JPSIAII S OPINION OF WIMMEN. 231 speak out in such a sort of a humiliatin way about how awful tickled he is, he is a man, so he can vote, and help keep the glorious old state of New York on its firm basis of nobility, morality, and wise economy. Why, says he to me the other afternoon (feelin fractious was the cause of his say in it at the time), says he: "Wimmen are dretful simple creeters; gos- sipin , weak, weak-minded, frivolous bein s; extrav agant, given to foolish display. They don t mind the cost of things if they can only make a big show. So different from men, they be. Why," says he proudly and boastfully, " you never in your life ketched a man gos- sipin over their neighbors affairs. You never see em meddlin the least mite with scandal and evil talkin . Men are economical, sound-minded. They spend only jest what they need, what is useful nothin more, not a cent more. Why," says he, "take it with wim- men s foolish extravagance and love of display, what would the glorious old state of New York come to if it was sot under her rain ? And they are so weak, too, wimmen be. Why, old Error would take em by the nose " (Josiah, I think, is a practicin allegory. He uses flowery rhetoricks and simelys as much agin as he used to use em.) And he repeated agin, with a haughty look : " Old Error would take em by the nose, as it were, and lead em into all sorts of indiscretions, and weakness, and wickedness, before they knew it. " Why, if we men of New York state had a woman s incapability of grapplin with wrong, and overthrown! 9* 232 A MOP STICK GESTURE. of it. if we had her love of scandal and gossip; if we had her extravagance and love of display, where would the glorious old state of New York be to-day ? Where would her morals be ? Where would her finan- kle and money affairs be ?" And Josiah leaned back in his chair, and crossed his legs over each other, as satisfied and contented a ci ossin as 1 ever see, and says agin : " If I was ever proud and tickled about anything in my life, Samantha Allen, I am tickled to think I am a man." He had been readin a witherin piece out of the almanac to me an awful deep, skareful piece aginst wimmcn s suffrage. And feelin cross and fractious, he did look so awful overbearin and humiliatin onto me, on account of my bein a woman, that I sprunted right up and freed my mind to him. I am very close- mouthcd naturally, and say but very little, but I can t stand everything. While he was talkin I had been a fixin a new tow mop that I had been a spinnin into my patented mop- stick, and had jest got it done. And I riz right up and pin ted with it at a picture of the new capitol at Albany that hung over the sink. It was a noble and commandin gesture (though hard to the wrist). It impressed him dretfully, 1 could see it did. I had that sort of a lofty way with me as 1 gestured, and went on in awful tones to say: " When you look at that buildin , Josiah Allen, no THE NEW STATE HOUSE. 233 wonder you talk about wimmen s extravagance and foolish love of display, and the econimy and firm com mon sense of the male voters of the state of New York, and their wise expenditure of public money. When you and a passel of other men get together and vote to build a house costin nine or ten millions of dollars to make laws in so small that wimmen might well be excused for tliinkin they was made in a wood-shed or behind a barn-door." Says I, lower-in down my mop-stick, for truly my A MONUMENT OF MEN S ECONOMY. 234 IMPORTANT AS A GANDER. arm was weary gesturiu in eloquence with a mop- stick is awful fatiguin says I, "As long as that monument of man s wisdom and econimy stands there, no man need to be afraid that a woman will ever dast to speak about wantin to have any voice in public affairs, any voice in the expenditure of her own prop erty and income tax. No, she won t dast to do it, for man s thrifty, prudent common sense and superior econimy has been shown in that buildin to a extent that is fairly skareful." It is a damper onto anybody when they have been a talkin sarcastical and ironical, to have to come out and explain what you are a doin . But I see that I had got to, for ever sense 1 had lowered my mop-stick and axent, Josiah had looked chirker and chirker, and now he sot there, lookin down at his almanac, as satis fied and important as a gander walkin along in front of nineteen new goslin s. He thought I was a praisin men. And says I, comin out plain, " Look up here, Josiah Allen, and let me wither you with my glance ! I am a talkin sarcastical, and would wish to be so understood! " But I was so excited that before I had fairly got out of that ironical tone, I fell into it agin deeper than ever (though entirely unbeknown to me), and says I: "As to woman s love of gossip and scandal, and man s utter aversion to it, let your mind fall back four years, Josiah Allen, if you think it is strong enough to bear the fall." A SWEET REMEMBRANCE. 235 And I went on in a still more ironicler tone. I don t know as I ever see a more ironicler axent in my hull life than mine was as 1 went on, and says: " How sweet it must be for men to look back and reflect on it, that while wimmen gloated over the details of that scandalous gossip, not a man through out the nation ever gave it a thought. And while female wimmen, crazy and eager-eyed, stood in knots at their clubs and on street corners holdin each other by the bunnet-strings a talkin it over, and rushed eagerly to the post-office to try to get the latest details, how sweet to think that the manly editor all over the land stood up in man s noble strength and purity, and with a firm eye on the public morals and the welfare of the young and innocent, and happily ignorant, refused to gratify woman s rampent curiosity, and said nothing of the matter, not a word, in editorial or news column ; but all through those long months filled up their pages with little moral essays, and cuttin articles on their hatred of gossip and scandal. And when, with unsatisfied, itchin ears, wives would question their husbands concernin the chief actors in the drama, their pure-minded husbands would rebuke them and say, c Cease, woman, to trouble me. We know them not. We have as yet spake no word upon the subject, and we will not be led into speakin of it by any woman, not even the wife of our youth." Josiah looked meachener and meachener, till, as I got through, it seemed as if he had got to the very 236 HOW IT REALLY WAS. bounds of mcach. Ho knew well how many times that old marc had gone to Jonesvillc for the last World, long before its time, so in hopes it would be a little ahead of its time, so he could get the latest ON THE RAGGED EDGE. gossip and scandal, and get ahead of old Gowdey, who took the Times, and old Cypher, who took the Sun. He knew jest how that post-office was fairly blocked up with men, pantin and sweaty with runnin , every time Ihe other mails come in. And he knew well, Josiah Allen did, how he and seven or eight other old Metho dist brethren got to talkin about it so engaged out UNDER TIIK MEETING-HOUSE SHED. AN OPPOSITION MEETING 239 under the meetin -house shed, one day, that they for got themselves, and never come into meetin at all. And we wimmen sisters had to go out there to find em, after the meetin was over. He remembered it, Josiah Allen did, I see that by his mean. He didn t say a word, but sot there smit and con science-struck. And then I dropped niy ironical tone, and took up my awful one, that 1 use a talkin on principle. I took up my very heaviest and awfulest one, as I resumed and continued on. " I would talk if I was in your place, Josiah Allen, about wimmen s ruinin old New York State if they voted. I would soar off into simclys if I was in your place, and talk about their bein led by the nose into wickedness and grow eloquent over their weakness and inability to grapple with error when ten hundred thousand male voters of the state stand with their hands in their pockets, or whittlin shingles, or tradin jack-knives, or readin almanacs, and etcetery, and let an evil go right on in their midst that would have dis graced old Sodom. " Why, it is a wonder to me that the pure waters of old Oneida don t fairly groan as they wash up on the shores that they can t cleanse from this impurity, but would if they could, I know. She don t approve of it, that old lake don t she don t approve of anything of that kind, no more than I do. She and I and the other wimmen of the state would make short work of such iniquities if we had our say. 240 RELIGIOUS INIQUITY. " But there them ten hundred thousand male voters stand, calm and happy, all round the Community, in rows and clusters ; porin over almanacs, and whistlin new and various whistles (Josiah had broke out into a very curious whistle) and contemplate the sin with composure and contentment. And superintendents of Sabbath-schools and Young Men s Christian Associations will make excursions to admire them and their iniquity, to imbibe bad thoughts and principles unconsciously, but certainly, as one inevitably must when they behold a crime masked in beauty, in garments of peace and order and indus try. And railroad managers will carry the young, the easily-impressed, and the innocent at half price, so eager, seemin ly, that they should behold sin wreathin itself in flowers, guilt arrayin itself in festal robes to lure the unwary footsteps." " Wall," says Josiah, " I guess I ll go out and milk." And 1 told him he had better. AN EXERTION AFTER PLEASURE. WALL, the very next mornin Josiah got up with a new idee in his head. And he broached it to me to the breakfast table. They have been havin sights of pleasure exertions here to Jonesville lately. Every week a most they would go off on a exertion after pleasure, and Josiah was all up on end to go too. That man is a well-principled man as I ever see, but if ho had his head he would be worse than any young man I ever see to foller up picnics and 4th of Julys and camp-mcetin s and all pleasure exertions. But I don t encourage him in it. I have said to him time and again; " There is a time for everything, Josiah Allen, and after anybody has lost all their teeth and every mite of hair on the top of their head, it is time for em to stop goin to pleasure exertions." But good land ! I might jest as well talk to the wind ! If that man should get to be as old as Mr. Methusler, and be goin on a thousand years old, he would prick up his ears if he should hear of a exertion. All sum- mi) 242 A HARD THING TO CATCH. mcr long that man lias beset me to go to em, for he wouldn t go without me. Old Bunker Hill himself hain t any sounder in principle than Josiah Allen, and 1 have had to work head-work to make excuses and quell him down. But last week they was goin to have one out on the lake, on a island, and that man sot his foot down that go he would. We was to the breakfast- table a talkin it over, and says I: "I shan t go, for I am afraid of big water, anyway." Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as another." Says I, witli a almost frigid air, as I passed him his coffee : " Mebby 1 shall be droundcd on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don t believe it." Says he, in a complainin tone: "I can t get you started onto a exertion for pleasure any way." Says I, in a almost eloquent way: "I don t believe in makin such exertions after pleasure. As I have told you time and ngin, I don t believe in chasm of her up. Let her come of her own free will. You can t ketch her by chasin after her no more than you can fetch up a shower in a drowtli by goin out doors and runnin after a cloud up in the heavens above you. Sit down and be patient, and when it gets ready the rcfreshin rain-drops will begin to fall without none of your help. And it is jest so with pleasure, Josiah Allen; you may chase her up over all the oceans and big mountains of the earth, and she will keep ahead of BOUND TO HAVE HIS WAY. 243 you all the time ; but set down and not fatigue your- yourself a thinkin about her. and like as riot she will come right into your house unbeknown to you." " Wall," says he, " 1 guess I ll have another griddle- cake, Samantha." And as he took it, and poured the maple-syrup over it, he added gently, but firmly : " I shall go, Samantha, to this exertion, and I should be glad to have you present at it, because it seems jest to me as if I should fall overboard durin the day." Men are deep. Now that man knew that no amount of religious preachin could stir me up like that one speech. For though I hain t no hand to coo, and don t encourage him in bein spoony at all, he knows that I am wrapped almost completely up in him. I went. Wall, the day before the exertion Kellup Cobb come into our house of a errant, and I asked him if he was goin to the exertion ; and he said he would like to go, but he dassent. " Dassent ! " says I. " Why dassent you ? " " Why," says he, " how would the rest of the wim- men round Jonesville feel if 1 should pick out one woman and wait on her ? " Says he bitterly : " I hain t perfect, but I hain t such a cold-blooded rascal as not to have any regard for winmien s feelin s. I hain t no heart to spile all the comfort of the day for ten or a dozen wimmen." " Why," says I, in a dry tone, " one woman would be happy accordin to your tell." 244 BEARING HIS CROSS. " Yes, one woman happy, and ten or fifteen gauled bruised in the tenderest place." " On tlicir heads ? " says I enquirin ly. "No," says he, "their hearts. All the girls have probable had more or less hopes that I would invite cm make a choice of em. But when the blow was struck, when I had passed cm by and invited some other, some happier woman, how would them slighted ones feel ? How do you s pose they would enjoy the day, seein me with another woman, and they droopin round without me ? That is the reason, Josiah Allen s wife, that I dassen t go. It hain t the keepin of my horse through the day that stops me. For I could carry a quart of oats and a little jag of hay in the bot tom of the buggy. If I had concluded to pick out a girl and go, I had got it all fixed out in my mind how I would manage. I had thought it over, while 1 was ondecided, and duty was a strugglin with me. But I was made to see where the right way for me lay, and I am goin to foller it. Joe Purday is goin to have my horse, and give me seven shillin s for the use of it and its keepin . He come to hire it just before I made up my mind that I hadn t ort to go. " Of course it is a cross to me. But 1 am willin to bear crosses for the fair sect. Why," says he, a comin out in a open, generous way, "I would be willin , if necessary for the general good of the fair sec t I would be willin to sacrifice ten cents for cm, or pretty nigh that, 1 wish so well to em. I hain t that HE TOOK THE HINT. 245 enemy to em that they think I am. I can t marry em all, Heaven knows I can t, but I wish em well." "Wall," says I, "I guess my dish-water is hot; it must be pretty near bilin by this time." And he took the hint and started off. I see it wouldn t do no good to argue with him, that wimmen didn t worship him. For when a feller once gets it into his head that female wimmen are all after him, you might jest as well dispute the wind as argue with him. You can t convince him nor the wind neither of em so what s the use of wastin breath on em. And I didn t want to spend a extra breath that day, anyway, knowin I had such a hard day s work in front of me, a finishin cookin up provisions for the exer tion, and gettin things done up in the house so 1 could leave em for all day. We had got to start about the middle of the night, for the lake was 15 miles from Jonesville, and the old mare bein so slow, we had got to start an hour or two ahead of the rest. I told Josiah in the first on t, that 1 had jest as lives set up all night, as to be routed out at two o clock. But he was so animated and happy at the idee of goin that he looked on the bright side of everything, and he said that we would go to bed before dark, and get as much sleep as we commonly did. So we went to bed the sun an hour high. And I was truly tired enough to lay down, for I had worked dret- ful hard that day, almost beyond my strength. But we hadn t more n got settled down into the bed, when 246 EVENING CALLERS. we heard a buggy and a single wagon stop at the gate, and I got up and peeked through the window, and I see it was visitors come to spend the evenin . Elder Bamber and his family, and Deacon Dobbins es folks. ROUTED OUT. Josiah vowed that he wouldn t stir one step out of that bed that night. But I argued with him pretty sharp, while I was thro win on my clothes, and I finally got him started up. I hain t deceitful, but I thought if I got my clothes all on, before they came in, I wouldn t tell em that I had been to bed that time of day. And I did get all dressed up, even to DECEIVED THE DEACON. 247 my handkerchief pin. And I guess they had been there as much as ten minutes before I thought that I hadn t took my night-cap off. They looked dretful curious at me, and I felt awful meachin . But I jest ketched it off, and never said nothin . But when Josiah come out of the bedroom with what little hair "MURDER WILL OUT." he has got standin out in every direction, no two hairs a layin the same way, and one of his galluses a hangin most to the floor under his best coat, I up and told em. I thought mebby they wouldn t stay long. But Deacon Dobbins es folks seemed to be all waked up OR the subject of religion, and they proposed we 248 A WILD NIGHT. should turn it into a kind of a conference meetin ; so they never went home till after ten o clock. It was most eleven when Josiah and me got to bed agin. And then jest as I was gettin into a drowse, I heerd the cat in the buttery, and I got up to let her out. And that rousted Josiah up, and he thought he heerd the cattle in the garden, and he got up and went out. And there we was a marchin round most all night. And if we would get into a nap, Josiah would think it was mornin , and he would start up and go out to look at the clock. He seemed so afraid we would be belated, and not get to that exertion in time. And there we was on our feet most all night. I lost myself once, for I dreampt that Josiah was a drowndin , and Deacon Dobbins was on the shore a prayin for him. It started me so, that I jist ketched holt of Josiah and hollered. It skairt him awfully, and says he, " What does ail you, Samantha ? I haint been asleep before, to-night, and now you have rousted me up for good. I wonder what time it is." And then he got out of bed again, and went and looked at the clock. It was half past one, and he said " He didn t believe we had better go to sleep again, for fear we would be too late for the exertion, and he wouldn t miss that for nothin ." " Exertion ! " says I, in a awful cold tone. " I should think we had had exertion enough for one spell. BAMANTHA S DREAM. JOSIAH IN UNIFORM. 251 But as bad and wore out as Josiah felt bodily, he was all animated in his mind about what a good time he was a goin to have. He acted foolish, and I told him so. I wanted to wear my brown and black ging ham and a shaker, but Josiah insisted that I should wear a new lawn dress that he had brought me home as a present, and 1 had jest got made up. So, jest to please him, I put it on, and my best bonnet. And that man, all I could do and say, would put on a pair of pantaloons I had been a makin for Thomas Jefferson. They was gettin up a milatary company to Jones ville, and these pantaloons was blue, with a red stripe down the sides a kind of a uniform. Josiah took a awful fancy to em, and says he : "I will wear em, Samantha; they look so dressy." Says I: "They hain t hardly done. I was goin to stitch that red stripe on the left leg on again. They hain t finished as they ort to be, and I would not wear em. It looks vain in you." Says he: "I will wear em, Samantha. I will be dressed up for once." I didn t contend with him. Thinks I : we are makin fools of ourselves by goin at all, and if he wants to make a little bigger fool of himself, by wearin them blue pantaloons, I won t stand in his light. And then I had got some machine oil onto em, so I felt that I had got to wash em, anyway, before Thomas J. took em to wear. So he put em on. 1 had good vittles, and a sight of em. The basket 252 HOW TWENTY OLD FOOLS "SOT SAIL." wouldn t hold cm all, so Josiah had to put a bottle of red ross-beny jell into the pocket of his dress-coat, and lots of other little things, such as spoons and knives and forks, in his pantaloons and breast-pockets. He looked like Captain Kidd, armed up to the teeth, and I told him so. But good land ! he would have carried a knife in his mouth if I had asked him to, he felt so neat about goin , and boasted so on what a splendid exertion it was goin to be. We got to the lake about eight o clock, for the old mare went slow. We was about the first ones there, but they kep a comin , and before ten o clock we all got there. The young folks made up their minds they would stay and eat their dinner in a grove on the mainland. But the majority of the old folks thought it was best to go and set our tables where we laid out to in the first place. Josiah seemed to be the most rampant of any of the company about goin . He said he shouldn t eat a mouthful if he didn t eat it on that island. Ho said, what was the use of goin to a pleasure exertion at all if you didn t try to take all the pleasure you could. So about twenty old fools of us sot sail for the island. I had made up my mind from the first on t to face trouble, so it didn t put me out so much when Deacon Dobbins, in gettin into the boat, stepped onto my new lawn dress, and tore a hole in it as big as my two hands, and ripped it half offen the waist. But Josiah FACING TROUBLE. AN ACCIDENT ON THE LAKE. 255 havin felt so animated and tickled about the exertion, it worked him up awfully when, jest after we had got well out onto the lake, the wind took his hat off and blew it away out onto the lake. He had made up his BOUND FOR THE ISLAND. mind to look so pretty that day that it worked him up awfully. And then the sun beat down onto him ; and if he had had any hair onto his .head it would have seemed more shady. But I did the best 1 could by him. I stood by him and pinned on his red bandanna handkerchief onto his 256 THE VOYAGERS GET SEA-SICK. head. But as I was a fixin it on, I see there was sunthin more than mortification ailed him. The lake was rough and the boat rocked, and I see he was beginnin to be awful sick. He looked deathly. Pretty soon 1 felt bad, too. Oh! the wretchedness of that time. I have enjoyed poor health considerable in my life, but never did I enjoy so much sickness in so short a time as 1 did on that pleasure exertion to that island. 1 s pose our bein up all night a most made it worse. When we reached the island we was both weak as cats. I sot right down on a stun and held my head for a spell, for it did seem as if it would split open. After a while I staggered up onto my feet, and finally I got so I could walk straight, and sense things a little. Though it was tejus work to walk, anyway, for we had landed on a sand-bar, and the sand was so deep it was all we could do to wade through it, and it was as hot as hot ashes ever was. Then 1 began to take the things out of my dinner- basket. The butter had all melted, so we had to dip it out with a spoon. And a lot of water had swashed over the side of the boat, so my pies and tarts and delicate cake and cookies looked awful mixed up. But no worse than the rest of the company s did. But we did the best we could, and the chicken and cold meat bein more solid had held together quite well, so there was some pieces of it considerable hull, though it was all very wet and soppy. But we sepa- THE ENCAMPMENT ON THE BEACH. 257 rated em out as well as we could, and begun to make preparations to eat. We didn t feel so animated about eatin as we should if we hadn t been so sick to our stomachs. But we felt as if we must hurry, for the man that owned the boat said he knew it would rain before night, by the way the sun scalded. There wasn t a man or a woman there but what the prosper ati on and sweat jest poured down their faces. We was a hag gard and melan- choly-lookin 1 set. There was a piece of woods a little ways off, but it was up quite a rise of ground, and there wasn t one of us but what had the rheuma- tiz more or less. We made up a fire on the sand, though it seemed as if it was hot enough to steep the tea and coffee as It was. After we got the fire started, I histed a umberell and sot down under it, and fanned myself hard, for I was afraid of a sunstroke. Wall, I guess 1 had set there ten minutes or more, when all of a sudden I thought, where is Josiah ? I ON THE BEACH. 258 JGSIAH IS MISSING. THE SEA-RCH. hadn t seen him since we had got there. I riz up and asked the company almost wildly if they had seen my companion, Josiah. They said, u no, they hadn t." But Celestine Wilkin s little girl, who had come with her grandpa and grandma Gowdy, spoke up, and says she : " I seen him goin off towards the woods. He acted dretful strange, too ; he seemed to be a walkin off sideways." "Had the sufferin s he had undergone made him delerious?" says I to myself; and then I started off on the run towards the woods, and old Miss Bobbet, and Miss Gowdy, and Sister Bamber, and Deacon Dobbins es wife all rushed after me. Oil, the agony of them two or three minutes ! my mind so distracted with fourbodin s, and the prespera- tion and sweat a pourin down. But all of a sudden, on the edge of the woods, we found him. Miss Gowdy weighin a little less than me, mebby 100 pounds or so, had got a little ahead of me. He sot backed up against a tree, in a awful cramped position, with his left leg under him. He looked dretful uncomfortable. But when Miss Gowdy hollered out : "Oh, here you be. We have been skairt about you. What is the matter?" He smiled a dretful sick smile, and says he : " Oh, I thought I would come out here and meditate a spell. It was always a real treat to me to meditate." A DISCOURAGED KX< I KSTONIST. JOSIAH IS FOUND MEDITATIN . 261 Just then I come up a pantin for breath, and as the wimmen all turned to face me, Josiah scowled at me, and shook his fist at them four wimmen, and made the most mysterious motions of his hands towards em. But the minute they turned round he smiled in a sickish way, and pretended to go to whistlin . Says I, "What is the matter, Josiah Allen? What are you off here for?" "I am a meditating Sainantha." Says I, "Do you come down and jine the company this minute, Josiah Allen. You was in a awful takin to come with em, and what will they think to see you act so ? " The wimmen happened to be a lookin the other way for a minute, and he looked at me as if he would take my head off, and made the strangest motions towards em ; but the minute they looked at him he would pretend to smile, that deathly smile. Says I, " Come, Josiah Allen, we re goin to get dinner right away, for we are afraid it will rain." "Oh, wall," says he, "a little rain, more or less, hain t a goin to bender a man from meditatin ." I was wore out, and says I, " Do you stop meditatin 1 this minute, Josiah Allen ! " Says he, " I won t stop, Samantha. I let you have your way a good deal of the time ; but when I take it into my head to meditate, you hain t a goin to break it up." Jest at that minute they called to me from the 262 TROUBLE WITH WASPS. shore to come that minute to find some of my dishes. And we had to start off. But oil ! the gloom of my mind that was added to the lameness of my body. Them strange motions and looks of Josiah wore on me. Had the suffering of the night, added to the trials of the day, made him crazy ? I thought more n as likely as not 1 had got a luny on my hands for the rest of my days. And then, oh how the sun did scald down onto me, and the wind took the smoke so into my face that there wasn t hardly a dry eye in my head. And then a perfect swarm of yellow wasps lit down onto our vittles as quick as we laid em down, so you couldn t touch a thing without runnin a chance to he stung. Oh, the agony of that time ! the distress of that pleas ure exertion ! But I kep to work, and when we had got dinner most ready, I went back to call Josiah again. Old Miss Bobbet said she would go with me, for she thought she see a wild turnip in the woods there, and her Shakespeare had a awful cold, and she would try to dig one to give him. So we started up the hill again. He set in the same position, all huddled up, with his leg under him, as uncomfortable a lookin creeter as I ever see. But when we both stood in front of him, he pretended to look careless and happy, and smiled that sick smile. Says I, " Come, Josiah Allen, dinner is ready." " Oh ! I hain t hungry," says he. " The table will probable be full. I had jest as lieves wait." WILD TURNIPS AND MUSKEETERS. 263 " Table full !" says I. "You know jest as well as I do that we are eatin on the ground. Do you come and eat your dinner this minute." "Yes, do come," says Miss Bobbet, u we can t get along without you." " Oh ! " says he, with that ghastly smile, a pretendin to joke, "I have got plenty to eat here I can eat muskeeters." The air was black with em, I couldn t deny it. " The muskeeters will eat you, more likely," says I. " Look at your face and hands ; they are all covered with em." " Yes, they have eat considerable of a dinner out of me, but I don t begrech em. I hain t small enough, nor mean enough, I hope, to begrech em one good meal." Miss Bobbet started off in search of her wild turnip, and after she had got out of sight Josiah whispered to me with a savage look, and a tone sharp as a sharp axe: " Can t you bring forty or fifty more wimmen up here ? You couldn t come here a minute, cbuld you, without a lot of other wimmen tight to your heels?" I begun to see daylight, and after Miss Bobbet had got her wild turnip and some spignut, I made some excuse to send her on ahead, and then Josiah told me all about why he had gone off by himself alone, and why he had been a settin in such a curious a position all the time since we had come in sight of him. 10* 264 UNDERGOING REPAIRS. It seems he had sot down on that bottle of rass- berry jell. That red stripe on the side wasn t hardly finished, as I said, and I hadn t fas tened my thread properly, so when he got to pullin at em to try to wipe off the jell, the thread started, and bcin sewed on a machine, that seam A DESPEUATE SITUATION. jest ripped right open from top to bottom. That was what he had walked off sideways towards the woods for. But Josiah Allen s wife hain t one to desert a WHY JOSIAH WORE A SHAWL. 265 companion in distress. 1 pinned em up as well as I could, and I didn t say a word to hurt his feelin s, only 1 jest said this to him, as I was a fixin em : I fastened my grey eye firmly and almost sternly onto him, and says I : "Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, " You was determined to come." " Throw that in my face agin, will you ? What if I was ? There goes a pin into my leg ! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin of me with pins." "Wall then, stand still, and not be a caperin round so. How do you s pose I can do anything with you a tousin round so?" "Wall, don t be so aggravatin then." I fixed em as well as I could, but they looked pretty bad, and there they was all covered with jell, too. What to do 1 didn t know. But finally I told him I would put my shawl onto him. So I doubled it up corner-ways as big as I could, so it almost touched the ground behind, and he walked back to the table with me. I told him it was best to tell the company all about it, but he jest put his foot down that he wouldn t, and 1 told him if he wouldn t that he must make his own excuses to the company about wearin the shawl. So he told em he always loved to wear summer shawls ; he thought it made a man look so dressy. But he looked as if he would sink all the time he was a sayin it. They all looked drctful curious at 266 RAIN AND KHEUMATIZ. him, and he looked as meachin as if he had stole sheep and meachin er and he never took a minute s comfort, nor I nuther. He was sick all the way back to the shore, and so was I. And jest as we got into our wagons and started for home, the rain began to pour down. The wind turned our old umberell inside out in no time. My lawn dress was most spilte before, and now I give up my bonnet. And I says to Josiah : u This bonnet and dress are spilte, Josiah Allen, and I shall have to buy some new ones." " Wall ! wall! who said you wouldn t?" he snapped out. But it wore on him. Oh! how the rain poured down. Josiah havin nothin but a handkerchief on his head felt it more than I did. 1 had took a apron to put on a getiiii dinner, and I tried to make him let me pin it on his head. But says he, firmly : " I hain t proud and haughty, Samantha, but I do feel above ridin out with a pink apron on for a hat." "Wall then," says I, "get as wet as sop if you had ruther." I didn t say no more, but there we jest sot and suf fered. The rain poured down; the wind howled at us; the old mare went slow ; the rheumatiz laid holt of both of us ; and the thought of the new bonnet and dress was a wearin on Josiah, I knew. There wasn t a house for the first seven miles, and after we got there I thought we wouldn t go in, for we had got to get home to milk, anyway, and we was both HOMEWARD BOUND. "IS THIS PLEASURE, JOSIAH ALLEN?" 269 as wet as we could be. After I had beset him about the apron we didn t say hardly a word for as much as thirteen miles or so; but I did speak once, as he leaned forward, with the rain drippin offen his bandanna handkerchief onto his blue pantaloons. I says to him in stern tones : " Is this pleasure, Josiah Allen ? " He give the old mare a awful cut, and says he: "I d like to know what you want to be so agrevatin for." I didn t multi ply any more words with him, only as we drove up to our door- step, and he helped me out into a mud pud dle, I says to him: " Mebby you ll THE END op THE EXE RTION. hear to me another time, Josiah Allen." And I ll bet he will. I hain t afraid to bet a ten cent bill that that man won t never open his mouth to me again about a pleasure exertion. A VISIT TO THE CHILDREN. IT was a fair and lovely forenoon, and I thought we would go and spend the day with the childern. Kitty Smith had gone the day before to visit a aunt on her mother s side to Log London. She was a layin out to stay 3 or 4 weeks, and I declare, it seemed lonesome as a dog and lonesomcr. And I told Josiah that I guessed we would go to Jonesville and visit the childern, for we hadn t been there to stay all day with em for a number of weeks. He sort o hung back, and said he didn t know how to spend the time. But I only says, decided like and firm, and in a solemn and warnin way: "You can do as you are a mind to, Josiah Allen, and as your conscience will let you. But croup is round, that I know, and I worried last night a good deal about little Samantha Joe." Says he : "I will hitch up the old mare this minute, Samantha, and do you throw your things on as quick as you can." And he started for the barn almost on the run. (270) CROUP IS ROUND. 271 My natural nature is very truthful and transparent, almost like rain-water, and little figurative expres sions like these are painful to me very. But every woman who has a man to deal with for above twenty MOVING JOSIAH. years will know that they have to use em in order to move men as men ort to be moved. I won t come right out and lie for nobody man or beast. Croup was round promiscus in Jonesville, and I had worried about little Samantha Joe. But my conscience told me, as 1 tied up my back hair, and 272 THE HEARSE DRIVES UP. hooked up my dress, that I had talked in a sort of a parable way. And it smote me ; not so hard as it had smote ; but hardish. And if there ever was a old tyrant on the face of the earth, my conscience is one. It won t let me do nothin the least mite out of the way without poundin me almost to death. Sometimes I get fairly tuckered out with it. Wall, I had jest finished hookin up my dress, and was a pinnin on my collar at the lookin -glass, when, happenin to throw one of the eyes of my spectacles out of the window, I see Kellup Cobb a drivin up ; and he hitched the hearse to the front gate, and come in. He looked quite well for him. His hair and whiskers was a good, dark, tan color, bearin a little on the orange. Quite a bccomin color to him, he bein so sailer. He inquired where Kitty was. And then he wanted to know most the first thing he said, and his mean looked anxious as he said it, "If her health was a kecpin up ? " " Why, yes," says I, why shouldn t it ?" " Wall," says he, " I was oblceged to go away on business, and couldn t get here last week, and I didn t know how she would take it. I should have wrote to her," says he, " but not bavin quite made up my mind whether I would marry her or not, I thought it would be cruel to her to pay her such a close attention as a KELLUFS MIND MADE UP. 273 letter would be. It wuzn t the postage that I minded. Three cents wouldn t have stood in the way of my writin to her, if I had made up my mind full and complete. u But," says he, a knittin up his forward hard, u them two old reasons that did stand in the way of my marryin stands there now stands there a headin of me off. It hain t so much because she is a poor girl that I hesitate. No, that wouldn t influence me much, for she is sound and healthy, good to work, and would pay her way. No, it is them wimmen ! What will be done with the rest of the wimmen that I shall have to disapinte ? "But," says he, lookin gloomy into the oven, "I have jest about made up my mind that I will marry her, whether or no, and leave the event to Providence. If I do, they ll have to stand it somehow. They hadn t ort to expect, and if they used a mite of reason they wouldn t expect, that a man would sacrifice himself always, and keep single forever, ruther than hurt their feelin s." Says he, lookin as bitter and gloomy into that oven as a oven was ever looked into, " Even if ten or a dozen of cm die off, the law can t touch me for it, for if ever a man has been careful, I have been. Look at my clothes, now," says he, lookin down on himself with a sort of a self-righteous, admirin sort of a look, u I wore these old clothes to-day jest out of solid principle and goodness towards wimmen. It wuzn t 274 A DAY OF SETTLEMENT. to be savin , and because it looked like rain. No, I knew I had got to be round amongst wimmeu a good deal, to-day, a settlin up accounts, and so I wore this old overcoat of father s. l have s ot a brand HCW onc? k u i wouldn t wear it round amongst em. DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION. " I am on my guard, and they can t come back on me for damages. They have only got themselves to blame if they are ondone. They might have realized A MEETIN -HOUSE STORM. 275 that they couldn t all have got me. And I have jest about made up my mind that I will run the resk and marry her. She is to Log London, you say. It hap pens jest right," says he, a brightenin up. " There is a funeral down that way, to-morrow, not more than thirteen or fourteen miles from there, and I will go round that way on my way back, and call and see her." I declare his talk sickened me so that I was fairly sick to my stomach. It was worse than thoroughwort or lobelia, and so I told Josiah afterwards. But I didn t say a word back to him, for I knew I might jest as well try to convince the wind right in a whirlwind that it hadn t better blow, as to convince him that he was a fool. But, as he got up to go, I told him that I had a little mite of business of my own with him. You see our new minister, Elder Bamber, is a likely feller as ever drawed the breath of life, and hard-workin couldn t get a cent of his pay from the meetin -house. They had got into a kind of a quarrel, the men had, and wouldn t pay what they had signed. And I proposed to the women, the female sisters, that we should try to get him up a present of 50 dollars to last em through the storm the meetin -house storm. For they was fairly sufferin for provisions, and clothes, and stuff. And as Kellup was a member of the same meetin - house, and talked and sung powerful in conference meetin s, I thought it wouldn t be no more than right 276 SILVER AND GOLD. for me to tackle him, and get him to pay a little sun- thin towards it. So I tackled him. " Wall, Sister Allen," says he, in that hypocritical, sneakin way of hisen (he was always powerful at repeatin Scriptural texts), "1 can say with Peter, Silver and gold have I none, but such as 1 have I will give unto thee. " Wall, what is it ? " says I. " What are you goin to give ? " Says he, " I will work for the cause. If religion is worth anything," says he, a rollin up the whites of his eyes, " it is worth workin for it is worth makin sacrifices for." " So I think," says I, in a very dry tone. " And 1 want a half a dollar out of you." "No!" says he, kinder puttin his hand over his pocket, as if he was afraid a cent would drop out of it. " No ! I will do better than that. To-night is our con ference meetin , and I will talk powerful on the sub ject." Says I, coldly : " Wind is a powerful element, but it hain t a goin to blow comfort into the Elder s household, nor meat and flour into his empty buttery-shelves, nor fire-wood into his wood-box. Song and oritery are good in their place, but they hain t goin to feed the starvin or clothe the naked." Says 1, in more reasonable tones : "As I said, wind is good in its place 1 hain t a word to say aginst it but jest at the present time money is goin to do the Elder more good than the SUCH RICH FOOD. 277 same amount of wind can." And says I, in the same firm but mild tone : " I want a half a dollar out of you." Says I : " The Elder is fairly sufferin for things to eat and drink and wear. And you know," says I, " that if ever there was a good, earnest, Chris tian man, it is Elder Bamber. He is a Christian from the top of his head to the sole of his boots. He don t wear his religion on the top of his head for a hat, and take it off Sunday nights. It goes clear through him, and works out from the inside." "Yes," says Kellup, a clutchin his pocket with a firmer grip, " he is a worthy man, and I should think the thought of his noble and lofty mission would be meat and drink to him. It probable is. It would be to me and clothin . Oh!" says he, a rollin up his eyes still further in his head, "oh! the thought of savin souls; what a comfort that must be to the Elder; what a rich food for him." Says I, in colder tones than I had used yet, for I was fairly wore out with him : " The Elder can t eat souls, and if he could he would starve to death on such souls as your n, if he eat one every five minutes." He didn t say nothin more, but onhitched his hearse and started off. I don t know but he was mad, and don t care. But though I didn t get a cent from him or his father, I raised 50 dollars with my own hands and the might of my shoulder-blades, and sent it to him in a letter marked, " From friends of religion and the Elder." 278 ON THE ROAD. Wall, jest as Josiah driv up with the old mare, a hull load of company driv up from the other way come to spend the day. I was disappinted, but I didn t murmur. I took em as a dispensation, killed a fat duck, and made considerable of a fuss ; done well by em. They come from a distance, and had to start for home the sun 2 hours high. And 1 told Josiah it was so pleasant I guessed we would go to Jonesville then, and he (bavin 1 that babe on his mind) consented to at once and immediately. So we sot off. About half a mile this side of Jonesville we met Thomas J. and Maggie jest a settin off for a ride. We stopped our 2 teams and visited a spell back and forth. I wouldn t let em go back home, as they both offered and in sisted on, but made an appintment to take dinner with em the next day, Providence and the weather permittin . And then we drove on to Whitfield s. And I don t never want to see a prettier sight than I see as we driv up. There Tirzah Ann sot out on the portico, all dressed up in a cool mull dress. It was one I had bought her before she was married, but it was washed and done up clean and fresh, and looked as good as new. It was pure white, with little bunches of blue forget-me- nots on it, and she had a bunch of the same posys and some pink rose-buds in her hair, and on the bosom of her frock. There is a hull bed of em in the yard. She is a master hand for dressin up and lookin pretty, but at the same time is very equinomical, and a first- A ROADSIDE VISIT. REAL HAPPINESS. 281 rate housekeeper. She looked the very picture of health and enjoyment plump and rosy, and happy as A HAPPY HOME. a queen; and she was a queen. Queen of her hus band s heart; and settin up on that pure and lofty throne of constant and deathless love, she looked first- rate, and felt so. It had been a very warm day, nearly hot, and Whit- field I s pose had come home kinder tired. So he had stretched himself out at full length on the grass in front of the portico, and there he lay with his hands 282 OUR GRANDCHILD. under his head, a laughin , and a lookin up into Tir- zah Ann s face as radiant and lovin as if she was the sun and he a sun-flower. But that simely, though very poetical and figurative, don t half express the good looks, and health, and rest, and happiness on both their faces, as they looked at each other, and then at that babe. That most beau- tifulest and intel- ligcntest of chil- dern was a tod- dlin round, first up to one of em and then the other, with her bright eyes a dancin , and her cheeks red as roses. You see their yard is so large and shady, and the little thing havin got so it can run round alone, is out in the yard a playin most all the time, and it is dretful good for her. And she enjoys it the best that ever was, and Tirzah Ann enjoys it, too, for after she gets her work done up, all she has to do is to set in the door and watch the little thing a playin round, and bein perfectly happy. The LITTLE SAMANTHA JOE. "AS THE POET SAYS." 283 minute she ketched sight of the old mare and me and her grandpa, she run down to the gate as fast as her little feet could carry her. She had a little pink dress on, and pink stockin s, and white shoes, and a white ruffled apron, with her pretty, shining hair a hangin down in curls over it, and she did, jest as sure as I live and breathe she did look almost too beautiful for earth. 1 guess she got a pretty good kissin from Josiah and me, and then Whitfield and Tirzah Ann come a hurryin down to the gate, glad enough to see us, as they always be. Josiah, of course, had to take that beautiful child for a little ride, and Whitfield said he guessed he would go, too. But I got out and went in, and as we sot there on the stoop, Tirzah Ann up and told me what she and Whitfield was a goin to do. They was goin off for the summer for a rest and change. And I thought from the first minute she spoke of it that it was foolish in her. Now rests are as likely things as ever was ; so are changes. But I have said, and I say still, that I had ruther lay down to home, as the poet says, " on my own delight ful feather-bed," with a fan and a newspaper, and take a rest, than dress up and travel off 2 or 300 milds through the burnin sun, with achin body, wet with presperation and sweat, to take it. It seems to me that I would get more rest out of the former than out of the more latter course and proceedin . Howsum- ever, everybody to their own mind. 11 284 STEAM-CARS AND MILK-WAGONS. Likewise with changes : I have said, and I say still, that changes are likely and respectable, if you can get holt of em ; but how can you ? Havin such powerful and eloquent emotions as I have, havin such hefty principles a performin inside of my mind, enjoyin such idees, and faiths, and aspira tions, and longin s, and hopes, and despairs, and every thing I s pose that is what makes me think that what is goin on round me, the outside of me, hain t of so much consequence. I seem to live inside of myself (as it were) more than I do on the outside. And so it don t seem of so much consequence what the lay of the land round me may happen to be, whether it is sort o hilly and mountainous or more level-like ; or whether steam-cars may be a goin by me (on the out side of me), or boats a sailin round me, or milk- wagons. You see the real change, the real rest, would have to be on the inside, and not on the outside. Nobody, no matter how much their weight may be by the steel yards, can carry round such grand, hefty principles as I carry round without gettin tired ; or enjoy the lofty hopes, and desires, and aspirations that I enjoy, and meditate on all the sad, and mysterious, and puzzlin conundrums of the old world as I meditate on em, without gettin fairly tuckered out. Great hearts enjoy greatly and suffer greatly. And so sometimes, when heart-tired and brain-weary, if I could quell down them soarin emotions and make em UNCHANGING EMOTIONS. 285 lay still for a spell, and shet up my heart like a buro- draw, and hang up the key, and onserew my head and lay it onto the manteltry-piece, then I could go off and enjoy a change that would be refreshin and truly delightful. But as it is, from Jonesville clear to the Antipithies, the puzzlin perplexities, the woes, and the cares of the old world foller right on after us tight as our shaddcrs. Our pure and soarin desires, our blind mistakes, and deep despairs ; our longin s, strivings, memories, heartaches ; all the joys and burdens of a soul, has to be carried by us up the steepest mountains or down into the lowest vallies. The same emotions that was a performin inside of our minds down in the Yo Semity, will be a performin jest the same up on the Pyramids. The same questionin eyes, sort o 1 glad and sort o sorrowful, that looked out over New York Harbor will look out over the Bay of Naples and then beyond em both, out into a deeper, more mysterious ocean, the boundless sea that lays beyond everything, and before everything, and round everything, that great, misty sea of the Unknown, the Hereafter; try in to see what we hain t never seen, and wonderin when we shall see it, and how ? and where ? and wherefore ? and if things be so ? and why ? Tryin to hear the murmur of them waves that we know are a washin up round us on every side, that nobody hain t never heard, but we know are there ; the mighty Past, the mysterious Future. Tryin to ketch 286 EVERY ONE FOR HIMSELF. a glimpse of them shadowy sails that are floatin in and out forever more, with a freight of immortal souls, bearin them here, and away. We know we have sailed on em once, and have got to again and can t ketch no glimpse on em can t know nothin about em sealed baby lips, silent, dead lips, never tellin nothin about em. Each soul has got to embark and sail out alone, out into the silence and the shadows sail out into the mysterious Beyond. We can t get away from ourselves, and get a real change, nohow, unless we knock our heads in and make idiots and lunys of ourselves. Movin our bodies round here and there is only a shadow of a change, a mockery, as if I should dress up my Josiah in soldier coats or baby clothes. There he is inside of em, clear Josiah, no change in him, only a little difference in his outside circumstances. Stand in as we do on a narrow belt of land, which is the Present, and them endless seas a beatin round us on every side of us, bottomless, shoreless, ageless and JOSIAH STILL. WHAT THE GENTEEL ONES DO. 287 we a not seem either on cm ; under them awful, and lofty, and curious circumstances, what difference does it really make to us whether we are a lay in down or a standin up whether we are on a hill, or down in a valley whether a lot on us get together in cities and villages, like aunts on a aunt-hill ; or whether we are more alone, like storks or ostridges ? This is a very deep and curious subject. 1 have talked eloquent on it, I know, and my readers know. But I could go on and filosifize on it jest as powerful and deep for hours and hours. But I have already episoded too far, and to resoom and continue on. I told Tirzah Ann that I thought it was foolish in hei 1 . And she said, " It was very genteel to go away from home for the summer." She said, " Miss Skidmore was goin ." She is the other lawyer s wife to Jones- ville, and Tirzah Ann said she was bound to not come in behind her. She said, " Miss Skidmore said that nobody who made any pretensions to bein genteel stayed to home durin the heated term." "What do they go away for, mostly?" says I, in a cool tone, for I didn t over and above like the plan. " Oh ! for health and" " But," says I, " hain t you and Whitfield enjoyin good health?" " Never could be better health than we both have got," says she ; " but folks go for health and pleas ure," 288 A LITTLE AT A TIME. "Hain t you a takin comfort now," says I, "solid comfort ? " "Yes," says she, "nobody can be happier than Whitfield and I are every day of our lives." " Wall," says I coolly, " then you had better let well enough alone." " But," says she, "folks go for a rest." "Rest from what?" says I. "It seems to me that I never in my hull life see nobody look more rested than you and Whitfield do." Says I, askin her right out plain, "Don t you feel rested, Tirzah Ann?" " Why yes," she said, " she did." "Wall," says I, "I knew you did from your looks. Don t you and Whitfield feel fresh and vigorous and rested every mornin , ready to take up the labor of the day with a willin heart? Do you either of you have any more work to do than is for your health to do ? Don t you find plenty of time for rest and recreation every day as you go along?" Says I: "It is with health jest as it is with clean in house. I don t believe in lettin things get all run down, and nasty, and then once a year tear everything to pieces, and do up the hull clcanin of a year to once, and then let everything go again for another year. No ! I believe in keepin everything slick and comfortable day by day, and year by year. In housens, have a daily mixture of cleanin and comfort. In health, have a daily mixture of labor, recreation, and rest. I mean for folks like you and Whitfield, who can do so. Of course some have to THE ANNUAL TURNOUT. STRANGE PATHS. 291 work beyond their strength, and stiddy; let them take their rest and comfort when they can get it; better take it once a year, like a box of pills, than not at all. But as for you and Whitfield, I say again, in the almost immortal words of the poet, better let well enough alone." 1 " But," says she, " I want to do as other folks do. I am bound not to let Miss Skidmore get the upper hands of me. I want to be genteel." "Wall," says I, "if you are determined to foller them paths, Tirzah Ann, you mustn t come to your ma for advice. She knows nothin about them path ways ; she never walked in em." 1 could see jest where it was. I could see that Miss Skidmore was to the bottom of it all she arid Tirzah Ann s ambition. I could lay the hull on it to them 2. The Skidmores hadn t lived to Jonesville but a little while, and Miss Skidmore was awful big-feelin and was determined to lead the fashion. She wouldn t associate with hardly anybody ; wouldn t speak to only jest a few. And when she wuz to parties, or any where, she would set kind o stunny and motionless some as if her head was stiff and she couldn t bend it. Why, I s posed the first time I see her appear it was to quite a big party to Elder Bamber ses why, I s posed jest as much as if I had it on myself, that she had a stiff neck; s posed she had took cold, and it had settled there. I never mistrusted it was tryin to act genteel that ailed her. I see when I was intro- 292 A STIFF NECK. duced to her that she acted sort o curious and stunny, and I stood by and watched her (sunthin as I would a small circus), and I see that she acted in jest that way to most everybody that was introduced to her. MISS SKIDMORE. And I knew, judgin her by myself, that she would want to move her head more and act more limber if she could, so I up and told her in a friendly way, that if I was in her place I would steep up some camfrey "BURDOCK COULDN T HELP EM. 1 293 roots, and take em three times a day ; and at night 1 would take some burdock leaves, and wilt em, and bind em on her neck. Says I : " Burdock will take that stiffness out of your neck if anything will." But Sister Bamber winked me out, and told me what ailed her ; told me she kep her head up in that sort of a stiff way, and sot in them stunny, motionless autitudes and postures, in order to be genteel and aristocratic. And I felt like a fool to think I had been a recom- mendin burdock for it. For I knew in a minute that when anybody held their neck craned up in that way in order to act genteel and aristocratic good land ! 1 knew burdock couldn t help em any. I knew it was common sense they wanted, and a true dignity, and the sweet courtesy of gentle breeding, burdock couldn t help em. Why, some said she felt above old Skid- more himself, and thought she was kinder stoopin to associate with him, and talk with him. 1 don t know how true that was, but I know she tried to be dretful genteel, and put on sights of airs. And Tirzah Ann bein ambitious, and knowin she looked a good deal better than she did, and knew as much agin , and knowin that Whitfield was as good agin a lawyer as her husband was, and 3 times as well off, wasn t goin to stand none of her airs. She did seem to sort o look down on Tirzah Ann, and feel above her, and it madded Tirzah Ann awfully, for she never felt as I did on that subject. 11* 294 EVERYBODY SATISFIED. Now if anybody wanted to put on airs, and feel above me, I shouldn t do a thing to break it up not a thing. I should filosofize on it in this way : because they felt as if they was better than I was, that wouldn t make em so ; if it would, why I should probable get up more interest on the subject. But it wouldn t. It wouldn t make em a mite better, nor me a mite worse, so what hurt would it do, anyway ? It wouldn t hen- der me from feelin as cool and contented and happy as a cluster cowcumber at sunrise, and it would prob able make them feel sort o comfortable and good, so I should be glad they felt. But not bein jealous dispositioned by nater, and and havin so many other things to think of soarin and divin so high and deep into curious and solemn subjects as I have soared and doven, I s pose folks might feel milds and milds above me, and I not mis trust what they was a doin ; never find it out in the world unless I was told of it. Now when Tirzah Ann was about 14 or 15, she that was Keturah Allen, a haughty, high-headed sort of a woman, come to our house a visitin ; stayed most all winter. She was a woman who had seen better days; had been quite fore-handed; and she kep her fore handed ways when her four hands (as you may say in a figirative way) was gone and used up. She was real poor now, hadn t nothin to live on hardly, and I told Josiah that we would invite her to stay quite a spell, WHAT KETURAH WAS DOING. 295 thinkin it would be a help to her. She was a distant cousin of Josiah ; probable as fur off as 7th or 8th. She had a very disagreeable, high-headed, patron- izin way with her; very proud and domineerin and haughty in her demeanier. But I never had it pass my mind that she was a feelin above Josiah and me. KETURAH ALLEN. But I s pose she wuz. I s pose, from what I found out afterwards, that she did feel above us, right there in our own house, for as much as 11 weeks, and I never mistrusted what was goin on. And I don t s pose I should have found it out to this day if Tirzah Ann hadn t see it, and up and told me of it. 296 A CONFIDENTIAL CHAT. I see she was awful disagreeable, dretful hard on the nerves and the temper. But I took her as a dispensation, and done, if anything, better by her than I would if she had been more agreeablcr. I felt a feclin of pity and kindness towards her, a kind of a Biblical fcelin that should be felt towards the fro ward my principles was a performing round her in a martyr way, and a performin first rate. When Tirzah Ann come here (she had been off on a visit) , and before she had been home a day, she found out what she was up to. She always had a sort of a jealous, mistrustin turn, Tirzah Ann had. And says she that night, as we was a washin the dishes to the sink, I a washin and she a wipin : " Cousin Keturah feels above you, mother." " Why, how you talk," says I. "I never mistrusted what she was a doin ." And she had kept watch of little things that I hadn t noticed or thought of, and says she : "She did that, mother, because she felt above you." " Why, is that so ? " says I. " I thought she done it because she thought so much of me." And I kep on, serene and calm, a washin my tea- plates. And Tirzah Ann looked keen at me, and says she : " Don t you believe I am tellin you the truth, mother ? Don t you believe she does feel above us ? " " Oh, yes," says I, " I persume you are in the right LET HER FEEL/ 1 297 on t, though I never should have mistrusted such a thing in the world." " Wall, what makes you look so serene and happy over it ? " " Why, I am thinkin , Tirzah Ann, whether she gets enough comfort out of it to pay her for her trouble. I hope she does, poor thing, for she hain t got much else to make her happy." " You do beat all, mother," says Tirzah Ann ; "you don t seem to care a mite whether anybody puts on airs and feels above you or not." And says I, " That is jest how it is, Tirzah Ann ; I don t." " Wall, it makes me mad ! " says she, a rubbin the teapot hard. Says I, " What earthly hurt does it do to us, Tirzah Ann ? Can you tell ? " "Why, no!" She couldn t really tell what particu lar hurt it done, and she rubbed the teapot a little slower and more reasonable. " Wall," says I, coolly, " then let her feel. It prob able does her some good, or else she wouldn t tackle the job." And jest as I had argued with Tirzah Ann about she that was Keturah Allen, jest so I had argued, and did argue about Miss Skidmore. But I couldn t convince her she stuck to it. " It does look so poor, mother, so fairly sickish, to see anybody that hain t got nothin under the sun to 298 JONESVILLE ARISTOCRATS. make em feel proud, put on such airs, and try to be so exclusive and haughty." And says I, u Such folks have to, Tirzah Ann." Says I, " You ll find, as a general thing, that they are the very ones who do it. They are the very ones who put on the most airs, and they do it because they have to. Why," says 1, " divin so deep into filosify as I have doven, it is jest as plain to me as anything can be, that if anybody has got uncommon goodness, or intellect, or beauty, or wealth, and an assured position, they don t have to put on the haughtiness and airs that them do that hain t got nothin . They don t have to ; they have got sunthin to hold em up, they can stand without airs." I had talked it all over with Tirzah Ann lots of times, but it hadn t done her a mite of good, as I could see, for I hadn t got through reveryin on the subject, nor begun to, when she up and says agin: u Miss Skidmorc says that all the high aristocracy of Jonesville, if they are aristokrits," says Tirzali Ann " that is the way she pronounces it, they say she can t read hardly, if they are arisfokrits, and not im- posters, they will go away during the summer for a change. And I say, if a change is necessary for her and old Skidmore, why Whitfield and I have got to have a change, if we die in the attempt." "A change!" says I, in low axents, a lookin round the charmin , lovely prospect; the clean, bright cot tage, with its open doors and windows, and white ruf- VIEW OF JONKSVILLE. "LET WELL ENOUGH ALONE." 301 fled curtains wavin on the cool breeze ; the green velvet grass, the bright flower beds, the climbing, blossoming vines, the birds singin in the shady branches overhead, and in the orchard ; the blue lake lyin so calm and peaceful in the distance, shining over the green hills and forests ; and the wide, cloud less sky bending over all like a benediction. "A change ! " says 1, in low, tremblin tones of emo tion. " Eve wanted a change in Paradise, and she got it, too." " But," says Tirzah Ann, for my tone impressed her fearfully, " don t you believe in a change for the sum mer ? Don t you think they are healthy ?" I thought 1 wouldn t go into the heights and depths of felosophy in which I had flew and doven she had heard me time and agin, and eloquence is very tuck- erin especially after you have been doin a hard day s work so I merely said : " When anybody is bakin up alive in crowded cities; when the hot sun is shinin back on him from brick walls and stony roads; when all the air that comes to them comes hot and suffocatin , like a simon blowin over a desert ; to such, a change of body is sweet, and is truly healthy. But," says I, lookin round again on the cool and entrancin beauty and freshness of the land and other scape, u to you whom Providence has placed in a Eden of beauty and bloom, to you 1 again repeat for the 3d time that line of 302 HOW TIRZAH ANN GOVERNS WHITFIELD. eloquent and beautiful poetry, Better let well enough alone. " I could see by the looks of her face that I hadn t convinced her. But at that very minute Josiah came back, and hollered to me that "he guessed we had bet ter be goin back, for he was afraid the hens would get out, and get into the turnips." He had jest set out a new bed, and the hens was bewitched to eat the tops off. He had shut em up, but felt it was resky to not watch em. So we started off. But not before I had told Whitfield my mind about the plan. He looked more convinced than Tirzah Ann did, a good deal more. But I no need to have build ed up any hopes on that, onto his mean, for I might have known that when a man loves a woman devotedly, and they haint been married wall, anywheres from 1 to 4 or 5 years, her influence over him is powerful, and never can be told. She moulds him to her will as easy as clay is moulded in the hands of Mr. Potter. Sometimes she moulds honer into him, and then again dishonor; sometimes she moulds him comfortable, and then again she moulds him hard, and powerful oncomfortable. These things are curious, but useful and entertainin to study on, and very deep. TIRZAH ANN TO A WATERIN PLACE. WALL, if you ll believe it, after all my eloquent talk, and reasonin , and everything, the very next week they set off on their journey after a change, on that exertion after rest and pleasure. They come to see us the day before they went, but their plans was all laid, and tickets bought, (they was goin to the same place and the same hotel and tavern Skidmore s folks was), so I didn t say nothin more what was the use? Thinkses 1, bought wit is the best if you don t pay too much for it; they ll find out for themselves whether I was in the right on t or not. But bad as I thought it was goin to be, little did I think it was goin to be so bad as it wuz. Little did I think that Tirzah Ann would be brought home on a bed. But she was. And Whitfield walked with two canes, and had his right arm in a sling. But as I told Josiah, when anybody chased up pleasure so uncom mon tight, it wasn t no wonder they got lamed by it. For pleasure is one of the curiousest things in the (303) 304 A LIFE LESSON. world to ketch, speakin in a coltish and parable way. Almost impossible to ketch by chasin her. And if anybody don t believe me, let em get up some mornin before sunrise, and take a halter, and start off a pur pose, and see if they can overtake her; see if they can ketch her, and put a bit and martingill onto her. See if they don t find she is skittish and balky, and shies off when they go to put the bits in her mouth. And see, when they think they have got the upper hands of her, whether she don t throw em head over heels, and caper off agin in front of em. I have spoke in a parable way, and would not wish to be understood a thinkin pleasure is a horse. Far from it. But this is a very deep subject, and would be apt to carry any one beyond their depth if not sim plified and brought down to human comprehension. The first time I went to see em after they got back, Tirzah Ann told me all about it. She could set up some then. But if it wasn t a pitiful sight to see them three "Whitfield, Tirzah Ann, and the babe. To see how their means looked now, and then io look back and think how they had looked the last time I had seen em in that very place. Why, as I looked at cm, and see how feeble, and mauger, and used up they all looked, there wasn t hardly a dry eye in my head. Tirzah Ann told me it was a lesson that would last her through her hull life. Why, she said right out plain, that if she should live to be 3 or 400 years "A PITIFUL SIGHT." DOWN AT THE HEEL. 307 old, she shouldn t never forget it, and I don t believe myself that she would. There they was, she and Whitfield, poor as 2 snails. I never see either of em in half so poor order before. They hadn t no ambition nor strength to work. Their morals had all got run down. Their best clothes was all wore out. And that babe! I could have cried, and wept, to see how that pretty lit tle thing was lookin . Poor as a feeble young snail, and pale as a little white cotton piller-case. Her appetite was all gone, too. She had always been used to sweet, fresh milk the milk from her own heifer, white as snow, with a brindle back, that her grandpa give her for the name of Samantha. It gives dretful sweet, rich milk. And the babe almost lived on it. And all the milk they could get for her there was sale milk, sour half the time, and at the best full of adultery, so Whitfield said. And I don t think anything that hap pened to them on their hull tower made Josiah and me so mad as that did. To think of that sweet little babe s sufferin from adulted and sour milk. It made us so awful indignant that we can t hardly speak peacible now, a talkin about it. And then they was all cooped up together in a little mite of a room, and she was used to bein out-doors half the time, and had a great, cool, airy room to sleep in nights ; and bein shet up so much, in such close, bad air, it all wore on her, and almost used her up. Oh ! how pale she was, and mauger, and cross ! Oh ! 308 LIKE HER GRANDPA. how fearfully cross! She would almost take our heads off, Josiah s and mine, (as it were,) every time we would speak to her. It was dretful affectin to me to see her so snappish ; it reminded me so of her grandpa in his most fractious hours, and I told him it did. Josiah felt bad to see her so ; it cut him down jest as bad as it did me. And then to see Whitfield s and Tirzah Ann s demeaniers and means ! Why jest as sure as I live and breathe they didn t seem no more like their old means and demeaniers than if they belonged to per fect strangers, and I told Tirzah Ann so. And she bust right out a-cryin , and says she, " Mother, one week s more rest would have tuckered me completely out. I could not have stood it, I should have died off." I wiped my own eyes, I was so affected, and says I, in choked-up axents, " You know I told you how it would be, I told you that you was happy enough to home, and you hadn t better go off in search of pleasure." Says she, bustin right out agin, " One week more of pleasure and recreation would have been my death blow." Says 1, " I believe it. But," says I, knowin it was my duty to be calm, " It is all over now, Tirzah Ann. You hain t got to go through the pleasure agin. You hain t got to rest any more. You must try to over come your feelin s. Tell your ma all about it," says I, NIGHT WORK. 309 thinkin it would mebby do her good, and get her mind offen it quicker. So she up and told me the hull story. And I see plain that Miss Skidmore was to the bottom of it all. KEEPIN UP HER END She and Tirzah Ann s determination to not let her get ahead of her, and be more genteel than she was. Tirzah Ann said she was jest about sick when they started, for she found out most the last minute that Miss Skidmore had one dress more than she had, and a polenay, and so she sent at once for materials and ingregients, and sot up day and night and worked till 310 RESTIN AND RECREATIN . she had got hers made, full as good and a little ahead of Miss Skidmore s. Wall, they started the same day, and went to the same place, a fashionable summer resort, and put up to the same tavern, a genteel summer tavern, to rest and recreate. And Miss Skidmore bein a great, heal thy, strong, raw-boned woman, could stand as mucli agin rest and recreation as Tirzali Ann could. Why, Tirzah Ann said the rest was enough to wear out a leather woman, and how she ever stood it for two weeks was more than she could tell. You see she wasn t used to hard work. I had always favored her, and gone ahead with the work myself, when she lived to home ; and Whitfield had been as careful of her as he could be, and jest as good as a woman to help her, and so the rest come tough on her ; it was dretful hard on her. But as hard as the rest was for her, I s pose the recreation was as bad agin ; I s pose it was twice as tough on her. You see she had to dress up 3 or 4 times a day, and keep the babe dressed up slick. And she had to prominade down to the waterin place and drink at jest such a time. And go a-ridin out on the water in boats and yots ; and had to play crokay, arid be up till midnight every night to parties. You see she had to do all this, ruther than let Miss Skidmore get on ahead of her, and do more than she did, be more genteel than she was, and rest more. Their room was a little mite of a room up four MIDNIGHT AT A WATERING PLACE. BEIN 1 GENTEEL 313 flights of stairs, and Tirzah Ann never could climb stairs worth a cent ; and it leaked awful the rain come down round the chimbley. But they had to take that room or none, the house bcin so full and runnin over. And Whitfield thinkin they could rest better in it than they could on the fence or door-step, took it. But if there happened to come up a storm in the night, a thunder-storm or anything, they would have to histe their umberells and lay under em. They must have looked as curious as 2 dogs, and I told em so. The room bein so high up, it wore on Tirzah Ann she never could climb stairs worth a cent. And then it was so small, the air was close, nearly tight, and hot as a oven. And the babe bein used to large, cool rooms, full of fresh, pure air, couldn t stcind the hotness and the tightness, and it begun to eiroy poor health, and it cried most all the time. And to home it could play round out in the yard all day a most, and here it hung right onto its ma. And before long she begun to enjoy poor health. And then the room on one side of em was occupied by a young man who was learnin to play on the flute. He had been disappointed in love, and he would try to make up tunes as he went along, sort o tragedy style, and dirge-like. The most unearthly, and woe-begone, and soul-harrowin sounds, they say that they ever heard or read of. They say it was enough to make any one s blood run cold in their vains to hear em. 314 THE AGONIZED LOVER. He kept his room most of the time, and played day and night. He had ruther be alone day times, and WAILS OF WOE. think of that girl, and lament over her, and play about her, than go into company; and nights he couldn t sleep, owin to his trouble, so he would set up and play. They was sorry for him, they said they was. They said they knew he must have been in a awful state, and his sufferin s intense, or lie couldn t harrow up anybody s fcelin s so. But that didn t make it none the easier for them. Tirzah Ann and Whit-field are both tender-hearted BAD SPELLS. 315 and sympathetic by nature ; if they hadn t been, it wouldn t have been so hard on em. But they both say that tongue never can express the sufferin s they underwent from that flute, and from the feelin s they felt for that young man. They expected every day to hear that he had made way with himself, his sufferin s seemed so great. Such agonizin wails of woe he would blow into that flute ! and he would groan and writhe so when he wasn t a playin . Twice Whitfield went to bed with his clothes on, he was so certain the young feller couldn t stand it till mornin , and would need help. The room on the other side of em was occupied by a young woman who owned a melodcon. She went into company a good deal, and her spells to play would come on nights, after she got home from par ties. She had a good many bo s, and was happy dis- positioned naturally, and they said some nights it seemed as if there wouldn t be no end hardly to her playin , quick pieces, waltzes, and pokeys bcin her theme and love songs, which she would sing very sentimental and impressive, and put in sights of quav ers and shakes they said it did seem as if they never see so many quavers and trills as she trilled and quavered. Tirzah Ann and Whitfield both said that they knew what it was to be young, they had been young them selves, not much more n two years ago, and they knew by experience what it was to be lovesick, and they 12 316 TIRZAH HAS THE HISTORICKS. wanted to sympathize with happiness and gayity of heart, and they didn t want to do nothin to break up her highlarity of spirits. But still it come dretful tough on em. I s pose the sufferin s couldn t never QUAVERS AND SHAKES. be told nor sung that they underwent from them 2 musicianers. And the babe not bein used to such a racket nights would get skairt, and almost go into historical fits. And two or three nights Tirzah Ann had em, too the historicks. I don t sec what kep Whitfield up; SHE OWNED IT HERSELF. 317 lie says no money would tempt him to go through with it agin. I s pose Tirzah Ann almost tore him to pieces. But she wasn t to blame; she didn t know what she was a doin . It hain t no use to blame Tirzah Ann now, after it is all over with. And she sees it plain enough now ; she is sufferin enough from the effects of it her try in to keep up with Miss Skid more, and rest as much as she did, and recreate as fur, and do all that she done. And that is where her morals got all run down, and Whitfield s, too. To think of them two she that was Tirzah Ann Allen, and Whitfield Minkloy to think of them two, brought up as they had been, havin such parents and step-parents as they had, settin under such a preacher as they had always set under to think of them two a dancin ! and a flirtin ! Why, if anybody had told me, if it had come through two or three, I would have despised the idee of be- lievin of it. But it didn t come through anybody ; she owned it up to me herself. I couldn t hardly be lieve my ear when she told me, but I had to. They had parties there every evenin in the parlors of the tavern, and Miss Skidmore went to em all, and danced, and so they went, and they danced. I didn t say nothin to hurt her feelin s, her mean looked so dretful, and I see she was a gettin her pay for her sinfulness, but I groaned loud and frequent while she was a tellin me of this (entirely unbeknown to me). 318 LIVELY TIMES. Here was where Whitfield got so lame. He never had danced a step before in his life nor Tirzah Ann, neither. But Skidmore and his wife danced every DOIN THEIR LEVEL BEST. night till after midnight, and Tirzah Ann was so ambitious she was determined that she and Whitficld should recreate and dance as much as they did, if they fell dead a doin of it. And not bcin used to it, it almost killed em. Besides loosenin their morals so that it will be weeks and weeks before they get as strong and firm as they was before. When HOW JOSIAH WOULD PLAY POLO. JOSIAH TAKES TO POLO. 321 morals get to tottlin and wobblin round, it is almost impossible to get em as firm as they was before. But truly they got their pay. Whitfield not bein used to it, and bein so tuckered out with the recrea tion and rest he had been a havin , it lamed him dret- fully, rheumatiz sot in, .and his siifferin s was intense. And then a base-ball hit him or anyway he got hurt awfully when he was a playin some game, base-ball, or billiards, or polo. That is a game, polo is, that I never heard on in my life before, and Josiah was awful interested in it when I told him about it. And he said he should deerly love to learn to play it. That man acts frisky now, a good deal of the time, and is a great case to foller up new idees. But I told him it would be dretful foolish for him to try to learn it, for the old mare toft enough to do now, without that. It is played on horseback, and from the name I s pose they try to hit each other with poles, or hit the horses, or sunthin . I don t really understand it well enough to give directions about playin it straight and correct. But Josiah was all carried away with the idee, and stuck to it he should love to play it, love to like a dog. Says he: "How I should enjoy to take a game with old Bobbet. Why," says he, " let me get onto the old rnare, and give me a good, strong hop-pole, and I believe I could fetch the old man down the first blow." But 1 discourage the idee, and don t mean to let him undertake it. Says I, " Josiah Allen, it stands you 322 BREAKIN UP THE GAME. in hand at your age to not go to caperin round, and actin , and get all the other old men in Jones ville all rousted up about it, and a actin . And I should think," says I, "that one lame one in the family is enough, without your chasin after pleasure on the old mare, and mebby both of you get killed in the job." I guess I have kinder broke it up ; I don t believe he will try to learn the game. But as I was a say in , in that or some other of the games Whitfield got hit on his elbo, right on his crazy-bone, and I s pose it made him most crazy. But the doctor thinks with the best of care he may get over it, and use his arm again. Tirzah Ann s dancin didn t give her the rheumatiz ; it seemed to hurt her more inwardly, the doctor says, brought on a kind of weakness. But where she got her death-blows (as it were), what laid her up, and made her bed-sick, was goin in bathin , and drinkin so much mineral water. Ridin out on the water so much come hard on em both, for it made em sick as snipes. Every ride was so severe on em it almost spilte their stomachs. Tirzah Ann never could bear deep water was always afraid of it. But she wasn t goin to have Miss Skidmore bathe, and she not, not if she drounded herself in the operation. So she went in, and got skairt the minute the water was over her knees; it skairt her so she had sort o cramps, and gin up she was a droundin . And that made it worse for her, and she did crumple right down in the water, SURF BATHING. 323 and would have been drounded if a man hadn t res cued her. She was a sinkin for the 3d time when he laid holt of her hair, and dragged her out. She hain t THE RESCUE. got over the fright yet, and I am afraid she never will. The mineral water, they say, tasted awfully. And Tirzah Ann bein very dainty always about what she eat and drunk, it went against her stomach so she couldn t hardly get a tumbler-full of it down. But Miss Skidmore, bein so tough, could drink 8 tumblers-full right down, and it seems it lifted her up dretfully. They said she acted 324 TAKING THE WATER. haughty and overbcarin because Tirzah Ann couldn t drink so much as she could, into a quart or two. She put on airs about it. And Tirzah Ann couldn t stand IT TASTED AWFULLY." that, so one day, (it was the day before they come home,) she drinkcd 5 tumblers-full right down. And I s posc a sicker critter never lived than she was. THE RETURN HOME. 325 I s pose they was awful skairt about her, and she was skairt about herself. She thought she was a dyin , and made Whitfield promise on a Testament to carry her back to Jonesville the next day, dead or alive. And lie, bein a master hand to keep his promise, was as good as his word, and brought her home the next, day on a bed. She got up in a day or two so as to be about the house. But they have been laid up for repairs, as you may say, ever since. They are sick critters now, both on em. I have seen awful and deplorable effects 12* 326 A THING TO BE KEPT. from rest and recreation before, but never, never did 1 see awfuller or deplorabler than they are both a suf- ferin from. They both say that one week s rest more would have been their death blows, and finished em for this world, and I believe it. And besides the outward sufferin s that are plain to be seen, there are inward hurts that are fur, fur worse. Outside bruises and hurts can be reached with arneky and wormwood, but who can put a mustard poultice on a bruised spirit, and a weakened moral ? Nobody can t do it. Now what I am a goin to say, what I am a goin to tell now, I wouldn t have get round for the world it must be kept ! If I didn t feel it to be my boundin duty to write the truth, and the hull truth, and if it wuzn t for its bein a solemn warnin to them who may have felt a hankerin to go off on a tower after rest ; if it wuzn t for this I couldn t write the awful words. But I wouldn t have it told for anything; I wouldn t have it get round for the world. It must be kept. But sense I am on the subject I will tell it jest as it is. But it must not go no further. Tirzah Ann didn t tell it right out to me, but I gathered it from little things I heard her and Whitfield say, and from what I heard from others that was there. I mistrust, and pretty much know, that Tirzah Ann flirted. Flirted with a man ! You see, Miss Skidmore wantin to appear fashion able and genteel, and do as other genteel wimmen did, TIRZAII ANN FLIRTS WITH A MAN. THE DREADFUL TRUTH. o29 flirted with men. And I know jest as well as I want to know that Tirzah Ann did, not wantin to be out done. I know she and Whitfield quarreled dretfully, for the first time in their lives, that I had right from Tirzah Ann s own mouth. But she didn t tell me what it was about. She looked sort o meachin , and turned the subject, and I hain t one to pump. But I s pose, from what they both told me, that they come pretty nigh partin . And I know, jest as well as if I see her at it, that Tirzah Ann bein so ambitious, and not wantin to be outdone by Miss Skidmore, went to flirtin , and I mistrust it was with old Skidmore him self. I know he and Whitfield don t speak. Tirzah Ann never could bear the sight of him, but I s pose she wanted to gaul Miss Skidmore. Oh! such doin s, such doin s! It worked up me and Josiah dretfully. As I told him, "where would their morals have been, if they had rested and recre ated much longer ? " And he groaned aloud, and said what gauled him the worst was to think of the piles and piles of money they had throwed away. Says he : " It will cramp em for months and months," and it will. MISS BOBBET LETS THE CAT OUT. MY companion Josiah havin bought a quantity of fresh fish, I thought I would carry one over to Miss Betsey Slimpsy, she that was Betsey Bobbet, thinkin mebby it would taste good to her. Betsey hain t well. Some think she is in a gallopin consumption, but I don t. I think it is her workin so hard, and farin so hard. She has to support the family herself, almost entirely ; she don t have enough to eat a good deal of the time, so folks say ; she hain t got any clothes fit to wear; and she has to be such a slave, and work so awful hard, that it don t seem as if she is half as bright as she used to be. As she says, if it wasn t for the dignity she got by bein married, it didn t seem as if she could keep up. But that, she says, is a great comfort to her. But she looks bad. She don t get no sleep at all, she says, or none to speak of. Simon s horrors are worse than I ever dremp horrors could be. They are truly horrible. Every night he pounds on the head- (330) A VISIT TO BETSEY S. 331 board, yells awful, prances round, and kicks. Why, Betsey says, and I believe her, that she is black and blue most the hull time, jest from kicks. I am sorry for Betsey. Wall, I give her the fish, she seemed awful glad A PRESENT FOR BETSEY. of it, and visited with her a little while, and then, as supper-time was approach in and drawin near, I histed my umberell, and started out on my homeward return. It was a lovely evenin . It had been a very hot day, 332 A PLEASANT WALK. but the sun had sot down (as it were) behind the trees to cool himself off, and the earth, takin advantage of his temporary retirement, seemed to foller on and do likewise. So I walked along on the green grass, under FRIENDLY FEELIN S the swayin branches of the apple-trees that bent down over the highway great, liberal-hearted trees, stretch ing their strong brown arms out in blessing and bene diction out over their own rich, cultivated soil and the dusty highway, over foe and lover, tramp, and LOOKIN WELL AND FEELIN 1 WELL. 833 Josiah Allen s wife. I liked that in the trees liked it first-rate in em. It made me feel well to walk in their refreshin shade. The apples were ripenin in the clusterin boughs, birds sang in the branches, the blue sky shone down lovin ly. The wayside blossoms grew thick at my feet, the grass was like a velvet carpet under em, and, most beautiful scene of all, my Josiah stood in the barn door, nailin on a board. Oh ! how first-rate I did feel and look. I knew I was a lookin well. I knew it jest as well as I wanted to, before I met my companion s admirin look, as he asked me, in considerable tender tones, if I knew whether there was any more of them tenpenny nails left. I told him there wuzn t. And then, oh! how ad- miriiv he looked at me agin, as I told him he had better hurry and finish the door, as I was goin right in to put on the tea-kettle and get supper jest as quick as I could. His smile was like sunshine to my heart, as he told me he would be in by the time I got it ready, and I d better hurry up. As I walked towards the house I was feelin beauti ful, and very affectionate towards my pardner. For love, no matter how full and ardent it may be, will, like other great deeps, have its ebbs and flows, its high tides and its more dwindlin ones. At that moment my love and my confidence in my 334 A STRANGE OCCURENCE. Josiah swept up in my heart to the highest tide level. And I thought, as I walked along, that I would shet up that eye of my spectacles that I never would agin let distrust and a Widder Bump cause me a moment s disquiet and unhappiness. And though I could not deny to myself that Josiah Allen s conduct, in the spring of the year, and on a Friday night, had been mysterious, I felt that I would look back upon it as I look on scriptural passages that I can t make out the meanin of. I always feel in them cases that it is the fault of the translator. No matter how mysterious the meanin may seem, I know that the Scriptures are right, anyway. And I felt that I would look back in that way upon my companion s strange words and demeaners. I felt that I would trust my Josiah. And so, bein full of love and confidence in Josiah Allen and the world at large, I walked with a even step up to the door-step, and as I did so I see the kitchen-door was open. I thought that looked sort o strange, as I knew that my Josiah had been to the barn to work all the time I was gone. But I went in, and as I did so I see a man a standin by the stove. He was a short, stocky man, dressed middlin well, but he had a strange look. He was considerable older than Josiah, I should think. His face was red and bloated, and his hair bein white as snow, and his white whiskers runnin all round his chin, and up the sides of his face, it give NOTHING PRETTY ABOUT IT. 335 it considerable the look of a red pin-cushion with a white ruffle round it. Only the ruffle (still usin the poetical simely) wuzn t white under his chin. No, he used too much tobacco for that. I s pose he used it MEETING THE ELDER. for the good looks of it ; I s pose that is what folks use tobacco for. But good land ! I can t see a single pretty look to it, nor never could, from the time a man takes in a half a plug or so, and wads it up in one side of his mouth, showin his yeller, nasty-lookin teeth, and lettin the black, filthy-lookin juice run down his mouth and whiskers, 336 UNPROFITABLE BUSINESS. to the time he spits it all out agin onto carpets, stair ways, church pews, concert halls, car floors, wimmen s dresses, and et cetery. / can t see a mite of pretty looks about it. But I am reasonable and always was. And there probable may be some beauty in it that I hain t never seen, or there wouldn t so many foller it up. For it must be for the looks of it that they use it. I have studied on it a sight, and there hain t no other reason that I can see. And if there had been any the keen eye of my spectacles would have ketched sight on it. They go awful deep into subjects, them spectacles do. It can t be for the taste of it that they use it, for it don t taste good. That 1 know, for I got some into my mouth once by mistake, over to Miss Bobbet s, and so what I know, I know ; I can take my oath on the taste of it. No, they don t use it for that. It can t be for the profit of it, for it hain t profitable ; quite the reverse. Why, there is about 30 million dollars worth raised in the United States a year, and somebody has got to pay for it. Why, I s pose some poor men chew enough of this stuff, chew it jest to spit it out agin, and smoke it, draw the smoke into their mouth jest to blow it out agin, why, I s pose this proceedin costs em enough in ten or fifteen years to buy em a good little home. And there they are willin to live and die homeless, themselves and them they love, jest for looks, jest to try to look pretty. HALF-AND-HALF. 337 For it must be for that. It can t be for health, for doctors say it hurts the health awfully, makes folks weak and nervious, and sometimes leads to blindness and fits. It hain t for morals, for folks say, and stick to it, that it makes em totter. Weakens a man s moral nature, his social and religious faculties, gives him a taste for the stronger stimulent of intoxicatin drinks, and so leads him down to ruin gradual. No, it hain t for the morals. I have most probable hit on the right reason. But good land ! where the beauty is in it I can t see. But I am a episodin fear fully. As I was a sayin , this man, instead of beautifyin himself with it, had jest spilte the looks of his whiskers, in my eye. They looked yeller and nasty. And the sides of his mouth was all streaked with it. In some places it was sort o dried on. He looked to me as if it would do him good to put him asoak in weak lye, and let him lay in it 2 or 3 days till he got sweetened and cleansed. His eyes was light-colored, and the lids was swelled and inflamed like. His mouth was drawed down into a dretful sanctimonious pucker ; he had a awful big chew of tobacco in his mouth, and so it wasn t all hypocracy that drawed it down ; it was probable about half and half half hypocracy and half tobacco. And under all the other expressions of his face was a dis sipated, bad look. I didn t like his looks a mite. But 338 "WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?" there he stood a kinder hangin onto the table (I found out afterwards that he had been drinkin all the hard cider he could to old Bobbet ses). He asked me, in a kind of a thick voice, for Josiah. And I, thinkin it was some one on business, asked him in a polite tone, though cool, " if he wouldn t take a chair and set down." "I would," says he, in that thick, husky voice, "I would set down, mum, but I am afraid if I should I couldn t get up agin." And he looked at me in a curious, strange way; dretful wise, and yet foolish like. Says I, gazin sternly at him: "I am afraid you have been a drinkin , sir." "No! No! I hain t! cider s good; good for the blood. Will take a glass, if you please." "Not here you won t," says I firmly. "Til take a glass if you please, I said," says he, speakin up kinder loud. "Cider s good; good for the blood." Says I : "It will be good for your blood if you get out of this house as quick as you can. And I would love to know," says I, lookin at him keenly over my specks, "what you are here for, anyway." "I am here in the cause of cider s good for the blood. Will take a drink." Says I : " You start out of this house, or I ll call Josiah." "I come, and I m workin for the cause of religion, if you please and I ll take a glass of it, if you please." A PIOUS BEVERAGE. 839 He d make a sort of a drunken bow, every word or two, and smiled sort o foolish, and winked long, sol emn winks. Says I sternly : " You act as if you was a workin for the cause of religion." "Apple-cider s good. Hain t apples religious, easy entreated? Hain t apples peacible, long sufferin ? Will take a drink, if you please." Says I, with a awful dignity: "I d love to see myself givin you anything to drink. You are drunk as a fool now ; that is what ails you." " Cider hain t tox-tox-toxicatin ; Bobbet said twuzn t. He said his cider-mill was harmless, easy ntreated, as peacible a one as he ever see. Will take a glass, if you please. I wouldn t drink a tox-tox-toxin bevrig, not for dollar. Guess Bobbet knows what s pious drink and what hain t. Cider s pious bevrig called so peacible, pious drink." " Pious drink ! " says I, sternly. " I have seen more than one man made a fool and a wild man by it, pious or not. Oh!" says I, eppisodin out loud and eloquent, entirely unbeknown to me, " how Satan must laugh in his sleeves (if he wears sleeves) to see how good men are deceived and blindered in this matter. Nothin tickles Satan more than to get a good man, a church member, to work for him for nothin . When he gets good, conscientious, Christian folks to tackle his work of ruinin souls, unbeknown to them, and let him rest off a spell, why it tickles him most to death. 3-40 "THE IMPORTANT THING. 1 " And when anyone plants the first seeds of drunk enness in a person, no matter how good-naturedly it is done, no matter how good the ones are who do it, they are workin for Satan and boardin themselves, entirely unbeknown to them. That is, the good ones are; some know and realize what they are a doin , but keep at it through selfishness and love of gain." "Likker s bad, wrong; but cider s in cent, in cent as a babe, a prattlin little babe; it s called so." "Good land!" says I, "do you s pose I care a cent what a thing is called ?" Says I: " I have seen cider that three glasses of it would fix a man out so he couldn t tell how many childern he had, or fathers and mothers, no more than he could count the stars in the zodiact. And couldn t walk straight and upright, no more than he could bump his old head aginst the moon. When a man is dead what difference does it make to him whether he died from a shotgun or billerous colic, or was skairt to death ? And what dif ference does it make when a man is made a fool of, whether it is done by one spunefull or a dozen, or a quart? The important thing to him is, he is a fool." " Yes, n I ll take a glass of cider, if you please." I started right straight for the back stoop and hollered to Josiah. That skairt him. He started kinder sideways for the door, got holt of the latch, and says he : " I come to labor with you, n I don t want to leave you goin the broad road to destruction ; but I will," AN INVITATION TO LEAVE. 341 says he, with a simple sort of a smile, and as foolish a wink as I ever see wunk, " I will if you ll give me a drink of cider, if you please." Says I, firmly, " You will take a broader road than A THREATNIN ATTITUDE. you have calculated on, if you don t clear out of this house, instantly and to once." And as I still held my umberell in my hand, I held it up in a threatnin way in my left hand, some like a spear. And he started off and went staggerin down the road. I was a wonderin awfully who he was, and what he come for, when Miss Bobbet come in to bring home 342 MISS BOBBET UNLOADS. a drawiir of tea, and she was so full of news that she most fell aginst the door, as wimmen will when they are freighted too heavy with gossip. And she said it was Elder Judas Wart, a Mormon Elder, who had come back to Jonesville again. "And," says she, hurry in to relieve herself, for her mind was truly loaded heavy with news beyond its strength, "what do you think now about the Widder Bump bein a, Mormon. I told you she was one, a year ago, and other wimmen told you so, but you would stick to it that she was a camel." "Yes," says I, "in the name of principle I have upholded that woman and called her a camel." " Wall," says she, " camel or not, she was sealed to Elder Judas Wart last week. You know she went home to her mother s in the spring. And he has been out there all summer holdin his meetin s, and married her. " lie told us all about it to-day. He said he hadn t hardly a wife by him but what was disabled in some way from workin . He said he was fairly discouraged. Eleven of em was took down with the tyfus, violent. A few of em, he didn t hardly know jest how many, but quite a number of em, had the chills. Two or three of em. was bed-rid. Four of em had young babes ; and he said he felt it was not good for man to be alone, and he needed a wife so he married the Widder Bump and sent her on to Utah by express to take charge of things till he come. He had meetin s to Jonesville last spring, and Bobbet went to em." MISS r.onr.i-yr TKLLS ABOUT JOSIAII. MR. BOBBET OWNS UP. 345 " Bobbet went to em," says I, mechanically. For oh! what strange and curious feelin s was a tacklin of me. Memeries of that terrible crysis in my life when I heard the mutterin s of a earthquake, a rumblin and a roarin unbeknown to me. When everything in life seemed uncertain and wobblin to a Samantha, and a Josiah talked in his slumbers of a Widder Bump. " Yes," says she, " Bobbet owned it all up to me, jest now. He wouldn t, if the Elder hadn t come in and acted so glad to see him. But, if you ll believe it, Bobbet looked as if he would sink when he said he had married the Widder Bump. And he says he hain t goin to have no new overcoat made this winter. And he has been sot on havin one." " Bobbet owned it all up to you," says I, speakin agin mechanically, for I felt fairly stunted by the emotions that was rushin onto me. " Yes, I remember he used to go evenin s to Jones- ville a sight, last spring, when I had the quinzy and was laid up. But I s posed he went to the Methodist Conference meetin s. But he didn t, he went to hear Elder Judas Wart. And Bobbet says] Josiah Allen went to ein, too." At them fearful words I groaned aloud. I wouldn t say a word aginst my pardner. But to save my life I couldn t keep that groan back. It fairly groaned itself (as it were), my feelin s was such. It was a fearful groan, deep and melancholy in the extreme. I was determined to not say one word about 13 346 FEELIN WICKED. my feelin s concernin my pardner, and I didn t, only jest that groan. She is quite a case to make mischief in families, but she hain t got a thing to carry from me, only jest that groan. And there can t be much done, even in a court of law, with one plain groan, and nothin else ; there can t be much proved by it. She is a pryin woman, and I see she mistrusted sunthin . Says she : " What is the matter, Josiah Allen s wife ? What are you groanin for, so heavy?" 1 wouldn t come right out and tell the awful emo tions that was performin through my mind and at the same time I wouldn t lie. So I broke out sort o eloquent, and says J : " When I think what female wimmen have suffered, and are sufferin , from this terrible sin of polygamy, it- is enough to make anybody groan." Says I, "I feel guilty, awful guilty, to think I hain t done sunthin before now to stop it. Here 1 have," says I, growin fearfully excited, "here I have jest sot down here, with my hands folded (as it were), and let them doin s go on without doin a single thing to break it up. And it makes me feel fairly wicked when I think of that address the sufferin female wimmen of Utah sent out to Miss Hays and me." "To Miss Hays and you?" says Miss Bobbet, in a sort of a jealous way. " I don t know as it was sent to you special. It said Miss Hays, and the other wim men of the United States." EMILY AND I. 347 " Wall," says I, u hain t 1 a woman, and hain t Jone&- ville right in the very center of the United States ? " " Why yes," says she. Miss Bobhet will always give up when she is convinced. I ll say that for her. "Wall," says T, " that address that they sent out to us was one of the most powerful and touchin appeals for help ever sent out hy sufferin humanity. And here I hain t done a thing about it, and I don t believe Emily has." "Emily who?" says she. " Why, Emily Hays," says I. " Rutherford Hays es wife. She that was Emily W^ebb. As likely a woman as ever entered that White House. A woman of gen tle dignity, sweet, womanly ways, earnest Christian character, and firm principles. No better or better- loved woman has ever sot up in that high chair since Lady Washington got down out of it. A good-lookin woman, too," says I proudly. " She has got a fair face and a fair soul. Her Christian example is as pure and clear as the water she makes them old congressmen drink to her dinner-table, and is as refreshing and as much of a rarity to em. I can tell you," says I, "it makes me and America proud, it tickles both of us most to death, to think our representative lady is one so admirable in every way. And foreigners can gaze at her all they are a mind to. We hain t afraid to let em peruse her through the biggest telescopes they can get ; they won t find nothin in her face nor her nature but what we are proud of, both of us. 348 SLACK IN OUR DUTY. " But in this matter I ll bet a cent Emily hain t made a move, no more than I have. We have been slack in it, both on us. But as for me," says I firmly, " I am determined to be up and a doin ." And oh! how I sithed (to myself) as I thought it "A RARITY TO EM." over. Emily hadn t had the fearful lesson that I had had. Her pardner s morals never had wobbled round and tot tered under the pressure of this pernicious doctrine, and a Widder Bump. My sithes was fearful, as I thought it over, but they was inward and silent ones. For my devotion to my pardner is such that I would not give even the testimony of a si the against my Josiah. When necessary, and occasion demands it, I scold Josiah myself, powerful ; 1 have to. But I will protect WHIPPED INTO IT. 349 him from all other blame and peril, as long as I have a breath left in my lung, or a strength left in my arm pit. But oh! what feelin s I felt, what deep, though silent, sithes I sithed, as I thought it over to myself. How the j)osy will not give out its perfume ; will hang right onto it with its little, dainty, invisible hands till it is trod on ; then it gives it up has to. And gold won t drop a mite of its dross ; obstinate, haughty, holdin right onto it till it is throwed into the fire, and heat put to it. And to foller up the simelys, Josiah Allen s wife s heart had to be tried in the fiery furnace of pain and mortifacture before it would give up and do its duty. Oh ! how my conscience smoted me as I thought it over. Thought how the hand of personal sufferin had to fairly whip me into the right. There had hundreds and thousands of my own sect been for year after year a sufferin and a agonizin . Bearin the heaviest of crosses with bleedin hands, and eyes so blinded with tears they could hardly ketch a glimpse of the sweet heavens of promise above em. And how at last, bein fairly drove to it in their despair, they writ to Emily and me for help : help to escape out of the deeps of personal and moral degradation ; help to rescue them and the whole land from barberism and ruin. And there we hadn t paid no more attention to that letter than if it hadn t been wrote to us. Oh ! how guilty I felt. I felt as if I was more to 350 MEAN! MEAN! blame than Emily was, for her house was bigger than mine, and she had more to do. And she hadn t had the warnin 1 had. 1 was the guilty one. In the spring of the year, and on a Friday night, right up on the ceilin of our kitchen had those fearful words been writ, jest as they was in Bellshazzer ses time: "Mean! mean! tea-kettle!" and et cetery. Which bein interpreted in various ways, held awful meanin s in every one of em. "Mean! mean!" showin there was mean doin s a goin on; "tea-kettle!" showin there was bilin water a heatin to scald and torture me. And takin it all together this awful meanin could be read : " Josiah Allen is weighed in the bal- lances, and is found wantin ." 1 hadn t heeded those fiery words of warnin . I had covered my eyes, and turned away from interpretations (as it were). Forebodin s had foreboded, and 1 hadn t minded their bodin s. Forerunners had run right in front of me, and 1 wouldn t look at these forerunners, or see em run. Blind trust and affection for a Josiah had blinded the eyes of a Samantha; but now, when the truth was brought to light by a Miss Bobbet, when 1 could see the awful danger that had hung over me on a Friday night and in the spring of the year, when 1 could almost hear the whizzin of the fatal arrow aimed at my heart, my very life now I could realize how them hearts felt where the arrows struck, where they was a quiverirt and a smartin and a ranklin - FETCH HIM ON!" 351 Now, it felt a feelin , iny heart did, that it was willin , while a throb of life remained in it, to give that throb to them fellow-sufferers (Tellow-female-sufferers). And when Miss Bobbet said, jest as she started for home, that Elder Judas Wart wanted to have a talk with me 011 religion and mormonism, I said, in a loud, eloquent voice : "Fetch him on! Bring him to me instantly! and let me argue with him, and convert him." I s pose my tone and my mean skairt her, she not knowin what powerful performances had been a per- forimV in my mind. And I heard that she went right from our house and reported that I was after the Elder. So little is worldly judgment to be relied upon. But nobody believed it, and if they had, I shouldn t have cared, no more than I should have cared for the murmurin of the summer breeze. When the con science is easy, the mind is at rest. I knew there was three that knew the truth on t : the Lord, Elder Judas Wart, and myself. I count Josiah and me as one, which is lawful, though Josiah says that I am the one the biggest heft of the time. He said " he made cal culations when he married me, when we was jined together as one, that he would be that one." And I told him, " Man s calculations was blindin , and oft deceivin ." I said it in a jokin way. I let him be the " one " a good deal of the time, and he knows it. But, as I was a say in , them three that knew it was 352 " NOT AT ALL SWEET." all that was necessary to my comfort and peace of mind. Josiah looked sad and depressted, and I knew, for I see old Bobbet leanin over the barnyard fence while he BOBBET AND JOSIAH TALKIN . was a milkin , and I knew they had been talkin over the news. And when he come in with his second pail- full of milk, lookin so extra depressted, my mean was some colder, probable about like ice cream, only not sweet ; no, not at all sweet quite the reverse. After Miss Bobbet s departure, the night that ensued and followed on was fearful and agonizin . What to GORING EMOTIONS. 353 do with Josiah Allen I knew not. But I made my mind up not to tackle him on the subject then, but wait till I was more calm and composed down. I also thought I would do better to take the daylight to it. So I treated him considerable the same as my common run of treatment towards him was, only a little more cool not cold as ice, but coolish. But oh ! what emotions goared me that night, as I lay on my goose-feather pillow, with Josiah by my side a groanin in his sleep frequent and mournful. He couldn t keep awake, that man couldn t, not if all the plagues of Egypt was a plaguin him, as I often remarked to him. But while such emotions was a performin in my mind, there wuzn t no sleep for me. Some of the time I was mad at Josiah Allen, and then agin I was mad at the Government. Some of the time I would feel indignant at Josiah, clear Josiah ; and then agin, as he would sithe out loud and heart-breakin sithes, my affection for him would rise up powerful, and I would say to myself oritorin eloquent right there in the dead of the night" Why should I lay all the blame of a pernicious system onto my sufferin pardner? Human nater is weak and prone to evil, especially man human nater, which is proner. And when Government keeps such abysses for men to walk off of, and break their necks (morally), who should be scolded the most them men after their necks are broke, or the ones who dug the abysses, or let em be dug ? 13* 854 A RANKLING SIN. "Let tins band of banditty flourish on shore furn ished land for em to flourish on and furnished ships to go out over the ocian and hunt round for foreign souls to ruin. Who calmly looked on and beheld its ships bear to our shores hundreds and thousands of the ignorant peasantry of the old world fair-faced Swedish and Danish maidens, blue-eyed German girls, and bright English and Irish lassies look in with innocent, wonderin eyes toward a new life innocent youth, deceived by specious falsehoods, pourin onto our shores like pure rills of water, to i all into that muddy gulf of corruption and become putrid also and our Government lookin calmly on, happy as a king, and pretendin to be religious." I declare! as I thought it all over, 1 was as mad with the Government as I was with my pardner, and 1 don t know but madder. Scolded, Josiah Allen had got to be that I knew. But I hankered, 1 hankered awfully, right there in the dead of the night, to tackle the Government, too, and scold it fearfully. I felt that I must be up and a doin . 1 yearned to tackle Elder Judas Wart, and argue with him with a giant strength. But little did 1 think that in a few days 1 should be a doin of it. A SERENADING- EPISODE, &c. nnHESE verses of Betsey s come out in the last -J- week s Gimlet, and I call it foolish stuff. Though (on measurin em in a careless way with a yard-stick) I found the lines was pretty nigh of a equal length, and so I s pose it would be called poetry. A WIFE S STORY. Oh Gimlet ! back again I float, With broken wings, a weary bard; I cannot write as once I wrote, I have to work so very hard; So hard my lot, so tossed about, My muse is fairly tuckered out. My muse aforesaid once hath flown, But now her back is broke, and breast; And yet she fain would crumple down; On Gimlet pages she would rest, And sing plain words as there she s sot Haply they ll rhyme, and haplv not. (355) 356 BETSEY S LAMENT. I spake plain words in former days, No guile I showed, clear was my plan; My gole it matrimony was; My earthly aim it was a man. I gained my man, I won my gole ; Alas ! I feel not as I fole. Yes, ringing through my maiden thought This clear voice rose: "Oh come up higher.** To speak plain truth, with candor fraught, To married be was my desire. Now, sweeter still this lot shall seem, To be a widder is my theme. For toil hath claimed me for her own, In wedlock I have found no ease ; I ve cleaned and washed for neighbors round, And took my pay in beans and pease ; In boiling sap no rest I took, Or husking corn, in barn, and shock. Or picking wool from house to house, White-washing, painting, papering; In stretching carpets, boiling souse; E en picking hops, it hath a sting, For spiders there assembled be, Mosquitoes, bugs, and etc. I have to work, oh ! very hard ; Old Toil, I know your breadth and length; I m tired to death, and, in one word, I have to work beyond my strength. And mortal men are very tough To get along with, nasty, rough. OLD TOIL S BRIBE. BETSEY S LAMENT. 359 Yes, tribulation s doomed to her Who weds a man, without no doubt. In peace a man is singuler ; His ways they are past findin out. And oh ! the wrath of mortal males To point their ire, earth s language fails. And thirteen children in our home Their buttons rend, their clothes they burst, Much bread and such do they consume;- Of children they do seem the worst. And Simon and I do disagree; He s prone to sin continuallee. He horrors has, he oft doth kick, He prances, yells, he will not work. Sometimes I think he is too sick ; Sometimes I think he tries to shirk. But tis hard for her, in either case, Who B. Bobbet was in happier days. Happier? Away! such thoughts I spurn. I count it true, from spring to fall, Tis better to be wed, and groan, Than never to be wed at all. I d work my hands down to the bone Rather than rest a maiden lone. This truth I will not, cannot shirk, I feel it when I sorrow most : I d rather break my back with work, And haggard look as any ghost, Rather than lonely vigils keep, I d wed and sigh, and groan and weep. 360 BETSEY S LAMENT. Yes, I can say, though tears fall quick, Can say, while briny tear-drops start, I d rather wed a crooked stick Than never wed no stick at all. Sooner than laughed at be, as of yore, I d rather laugh myself no more. I d rather go half-clad and starved, And mops and dish-cloths madly wave, Than have the words "B. Bobbet" carved On headstun rising o er my grave. Proud thought! now, when that stun is risen, Twill bear two names my name and hisen. Methinks twould colder make the stun If but one name, the name of she, Should linger there alone alone. How different when the name of he Does also deck the funeral urn ; Two wedded names, his name and hum. And sweeter yet, oh blessed lot! Oh state most dignified and blest! To be a widder, calmly sot, And have both dignity and rest. Oh, Simon ! strangely sweet twould be To be a widder unto thee. The warfare past, the horrors done, With maiden s ease and pride of wife, The dignity of wedded one, The calm and peace of single life, Oh, strangely sweet this lot doth seem; A female widder is my theme. BETSEY S LAMENT. 361 I would not hurt a hair of he, Yet, did he from earth s toils escape, I could most reconciled be, Could sweetly mourn, e en without crape , Could say, without a pang of pain, That Simon s loss was Betsey s gain. I ve told the plain tale of my woes, With no deceit, or language vain, Have told whereon my hopes are rose, Have sung my mournful song of pain. And now I e en will end my tale, I ve sung my song, and wailed my wail. /have made a practice of callin that Poetry, bein one that despises envy and jealousy amongst female authoresses. No, you never ketch me at it, bein one that would sooner help em up the ladder than upset em, and it is ever my practice so to do. But truth must be spoke if subjects are brung up. Uronious views must lie condemned by Warriors of the Right, whether ladders be upset or stand firm on their legs poetesses also. I felt that this poetry attacted a tender subject, a subject dearer to me than all the world besides the subject of Josiah. Josiah is a man. And I say it, and I say it plain, that men hain t no such creeters as she tries to make out they be. Men are first-rate creeters in lots of things, and are as good as wimmen be any day of the week. Of course I agree with Betsey, that husbands are tryin in lots of things ; they need a firm hand to the helium to guide em along through the tempestuous 362 CURIOUS, VAIN, AND TEJUS. waves of married life, and get along with em. They are lots of trouble, but then I think they pay after all. Why, I wouldn t swap my Josiah for the best house and lot in Jonesville, or the crown of the Widder Albert. I love Josiah Allen. And I don t know but the very trouble he Jias caused me makes me cling closer to him. You know the harder a horse s head beats aginst burdock burs the tighter the burdocks will cling to its mane. Josiah makes me sights of trouble, but I cling to him closely. I admit that men are curious creeters, and very vain, and they hain t willin to let well enough alone. They over-do, and go beyond all sense and reason. A instance of these two strong traits of their s has jest occurred and took place, which, as a true historian relatin solemn facts, I will relate in this epistol. Yes, men are tejus creeters a good deal of the time. But then agin, so be wimmen, jest as tejus, and I don t know but tejuser. I believe my soul, if I had got to be born agin, I had jest as lieves be born a man as a woman, and I don t know but I drather. No, 1 don t think one sect ort to boast over the other one. They are both about equally foolish and disa greeable, and both have their goodnesses and nobilities, and both ort to have their rights. Now 1 hain t one to set up and say men hadn t ort to vote, that they don t know enough, and hain t good enough, and so forth and so on. No, you don t ketch me at it. 1 am one that stands up for justice and reason. FIXIN THINGS. 363 Now, the other day a wild-eyed woman, with short hair, who goes round a lecturin on wimmen s rights, come to see me, a tryin to inviggle me into a plot to keep men from votin . Says she, " The time is a drawin near when wimmen are a goin to vote, without no doubt." "Amen !" says I. " I can say amen to that with my hull heart and soul." "And then, "says she, " when the staff is in our own hands, less we wimmen all put in together and try to keep men from votin ." "Never! "says I, " never will you get me into such a scrape as that," says I. "Men have jest exactly as good a right to vote as wimmen have. They are condemned, and protected, and controlled by the same laws that winimcn are, and so of course are equally interested in makin em. And I won t hear another word of such talk. You needn t try to invig- TIIE WILD ElJbJD 364 RESISTING TEMPTATION. gle me into no plot to keep men from votin , for jus tice is ever my theme, and also Josiah." Says she, bitterly, "I d love to make these miserable sneaks try it once, and see how they would like it, to have to spend their property, and be hauled around, and hung by laws they hadn t no hand in makin ." But 1 still says, with marble firmness, " Men have jest as good a right to vote as wimmen have. And you needn t try to inviggle me into no such plans, for I won t be inviggled." And so she stopped invigglin , and went off. And then again in Betsey s poetry (though as a neighbor and a female author I never would speak a word aginst it, and what I say I say as a warrior, and would wish to be so took) I would say in kindness, and strictly as a warrior, that besides the deep under current of foolishness that is runnin through it, there is another thought that I deeply condemn. Betsey sot out in married life expectin too much. Now, she didn t marry in the right way, and so she ort to have expected tougher times than the usual run of married females ort to expect; more than the ordinary tribu lations of matrimony. But she didn t ; she expected too much. And it won t do to expect too much in this world, anyway. If you can only bring your mind down to it, it is a sight better to expect nothing, and then you won t be disappointed if you get it, as you most prob able will. And if you get something it will be a joy- SURE COMPANIONS. 365 ful surprise to you. But there are few indeed who has ever sot down on this calm hite of filosify. Folks expect too much. As many and many times as their hopes have proved to be uronious, they think, well now, if I only had that certain thing, or was in that certain place, I should be happy. But they hain t. They find when they reach that certain gole, and have clim up and sot down on it, they ll find that somebody has got onto the gole before em, and is there a settin on it. No matter how spry anybody may be, they ll find that Sorrow can climb faster than they can, and can set down on goles quicker. Yes, they ll find her there. . It hain t no matter how easy a seat anybody sets down in in this world, they ll find that they ll have to hunch along, and let Disappointment set down with em, and Anxiety, and Weariness, and et cetery, et cet- ery. Now, the scholar thinks if he can only stand up on that certain hite of scientific discovery, he will be happy, for he will know all that he cares about or wants to. But when he gets up there, he ll see plain; for the higher he is riz above the mists of ignorance that floats around the lower lands, the clearer his vision ; and he will see another peak right ahead of him, steeper and loftier and icier than the last, and so on ad infinitum, ad infinity. Jest as it was with old Miss Peedick, our present Miss Peedick s mother-in-law. She said (she told me 366 THE NEEDFUL THING. with her own lips) that she knew she should be happy when she got a glass butter-dish. But she said she wasn t; she told me with her own lips that jest as quick as she got that she wanted a sugar-bowl. The lover thinks when he can once claim his sweet heart, call her his own, he will be blessed and content; but he hain t. No matter how well he loves her, no matter how fond she is of him, and how blest they are in each other s love, they must think, anyway, that the blessedness lacks one thing permanence. And though he calls her his own, yet he must feel, if he knows anything, that she is not his own ; he must know that he has to dispute for the possession of her daily with one stronger than he is. And if he is ten der-hearted and sensitive, the haunting fear must almost rack his soul ; the horrible dread of seeing her slip away from him altogether; of sometime reaching out his arms, and finding that nowhere, nowhere can he find her; that in place of her warm, beating heart, whose every throb was full of love for him, is only the vacant spaces, the mysterious wave-beats of emptyness and void; in place of the tender sweetness of her voice, the everlasting silences of eternity. And though he seek her forever and forever, he can never meet her ; never, never, through all this earthly life, find her again. She, the nearest and the dearest, so lately a part of his own life, his own soul, gone from him so swiftly and so utterly, over such a trackless road, as to leave no trace of her footsteps that he may NO ANSWER. 367 follow her. And though he throw himself upon the turf that covers her, and weary the calm heavens with his wild prayers and questionings, no answer comes ; YT. NO ANSWER. his words fall back again upon his heart, like dust upon dust. And then, those who love him tell him that the lov ing hands were unclasped from his that he might forever reach upward, yearning, longing to clasp them again, that he might make his own hands purer, fitter to clasp an angel s fingers. 368 A DAILY LOSS. That the bright tresses were hidden away under the coffin-lid, that their immortal sheen might gleam through every sunset and every dawning; heaven s golden seal on the sunset of his joy, the morning of his hope, his faith. That the sweet eyes were dark ened here that they might become to his sad heart the glowing light of the future. They say this to him, and he listens to them maybe. But if this docs not happen to him, if his sweetheart lives on beside him, he finds that this mighty presence steals away not love, for that is a bit of the infinite dropped down into our souls unbeknown to us, and so is immortal ; but he steals the golden sheen of the hair, the eye s bright luster, the young form s strength and rounded beauty. Every day, every hour, he is losing something of what he proudly called his own. You see we don t own much of anything in this world : it s curious, but so it is. And what we call our own don t belong to us, not at all. That is one of the things that makes this such an extremely curious world to live in. Yes, we are situated extremely curious, as much so as the robins and swallows who build their nests on the waving tree-boughs. We smile at the robin, with our wise, amused pity, who builds her tiny nest with such laborious care high up, out on the waving tree-top, swinging back and forth, back and forth, in every idle wind. Gathering her straws and bits of wood with such patient and tire less care to weave about the frail homes that are to be STICKS AND STRAWS. 369 blown away by the chilly autumn winds, and they also to be driven southward before the snows. But are not our homes, the sweet homes of our tenderest love, built upon just as insecure foundations, hanging over more mysterious depths, rocking to and fro, and swept to their ruin by a breath from the Unknown? Our dreams, our hopes, our ambitions: what are ye all but the sticks and straws that we weave about our frail nests ? Throwing our whole hearts and souls into them, toiling over them, building them for an evanescent summer, to be swept away by the autumn winds. And we also, poor voyagers, blown away through a pathless waste. But shall we not go unfearing, believing that He who made a balmy south to fulfill the little summer bird s intuition, her blind hope and trust, has also pre pared a place to fulfill our deathless longin s, our soul s strongest desires ? And over the lonely way, the untried, desolate fields of the future, He will gently guide us thither. But I am eppisodin . I said I would relate in this epistol a instance of the devourin and insatiable vanity of man, and their invincible unwillingness to let well enough alone. And so, although it is gaulin to me, gaulin in the extreme, to speak of my companion s weaknesses, yet, if medicine was not spread before patients, how could colic be cured, and cramps, and etcetery ? Yes, in the name of Duty, as a warnin to the sect, 370 AN ILLUSTRIOUS INDIVIDUAL. dear to me (in a meetin -liouse way) for his sake of whom I write, 1 will proceed, and give a plain and unvarnished history of Josiah s serenade. Eliab Gansey, or E. Wellington Gansey, as he has E. WELLINGTON GANSEY. rote his name for years, has been here to Jonesville on a visit. He lives to the Ohio. He is jest about Josiah s age, and used to be a neighbor of his n. He was born here, and lived round here till he got to be a young man. But he went to the Ohio to live when A REAL COMMOTION. 371 he was quite a young chap, and made money fast, and got high in station. Why, some say he got as high as clerk to town meetin ; I don t know about that, but we do know that he got to be a real big man anyway, and come home here on a visit, forehanded and weighin over 300. He was slim as a lucifer match when he went away, or a darnin -needle. Wall, his comin back as he did made a real commo tion and stir in the neighborhood. The neighbors all wanted to do simthin to honor him, and make him happy, and we all sort o clubbed together and got up a party for him, got as good a dinner as ever Jonesville afforded, and held it in old Squire Gansey s dinin - room. He was cousin to Liab on his father s side, and had a big house and lived alone, and urged us to have the party tliere. Wall, I approved of that dinner, and did all I could to help it along. Talked enc ouragin about it to all the neighberin wimmen, and baked two chicken-pies, and roasted a duck, and other vittles accordin . And the dinner was a great success. Liab seemed to enjoy himself dretfully, and eat more than was for his good, and so did Josiah ; I told Josiah so after wards. W^all, we had that dinner for him, all together (as it were). And then we all of us invited him to our own homes seperate, to dinner or supper, as the case might be. We used him first-rate, and he appreciated it, that man did, and he would have gone home fcelin 14 372 THE MAKDT OF JONESVILLE. perfectly delighted with our treatment of him, and leavin us feelin first-rate, if it hadn t been for Josiah Allen, if he had been willin to take my advice and let well enough alone. And what a happyfyin thing that is, if folks would only realize it, happyfyin 1 to the folks that let well enough alone, and happyfyin to them that are let. But some are bound to over-do and go beyond all sense and reason. And Josiah wasn t contented witli what he had done" for Liab, but wanted to do more lie was bound to serenade him. I argued and argued with him, and tried to get the idee out of his head, but the more I argued aginst the idee, the more firm lie was sot onto it. He said it stood Jonesville in hand to treat that man to all the honors they could hea^ onto him. And then he told me sunthin that I hadn t heard on before ; that Liab talked some of comin back here to live : he was so pleased with his old neighbors, they had all used him so well, and seemed to think so much of him. " And," says Josiah, " it will be the makin of Jones ville if he comes back ; and of me, too, for he talks of buyin my west lot for a house-lot, and he has offered me 4 times what it is worth, of his own accord, that is, if he makes up his mind to come back." "Wall," says I, "you wouldn t take advantage of him, and take 4 times what it is worth, would you?" Says I sternly: "If you do you won t never prosper in your undertaking." BOUND TO HAVE A SERENADE. 373 "He offered it himself," says Josiah. "I didn t set no price; he sot it himself. And it wouldn t be no cheatin , nor nothin out of the way, to take it, and I would take it with a easy conscience and a willin mind. But the stick is," says he dreamily, "the stick is to get him to come back. He likes us now, and if we can only endear ourselves to him a little mite more he will come. And I am goin to work for it ; I am bound to serenade him." Says I coldly : " If you want to endear yourself to him you are goin to work in the wrong way." And says I, still more frigidly : " Was you a layin out to sing yourself, Josiah Allen ?" "Yes," says he, in a animated way. "The way I thought of workin it was to have about 8 of us old men, who used to be boys with him, get together and sing some affectin piece under his winder; make up a piece a purpose for him. And I don t know but we might let some wimmen take a hand in it, Mebby you would want to, Samantha." "No sir!" says I very coldly. "You needn t make no calculations on me. I shall have no hand in it at all. And," says I firmly, "if you know what is best for yourself, Josiah Allen, you will give up the idee. You will see trouble if you don t," "Wall, I s pose it will be some trouble to us ; but I am willin to take trouble to please Liab, as I know it will. Why, if I can carry it out, as I think we can, it will tickle that man most to death. Why, I ll bet 374 A DEEP FACT. after hearin us sing, as we shall sing, you couldn t dog him from Jonesville. And it will be the makin of the place if we can only keep him here, and will put more money into my pocket than 1 have seen for one spell. And I know we can sing perfectly beautiful, if we only set out to. I can speak for myself, anyway ; I am a crackin good singer, one of the best there is, if I only set out to do my best." Oh ! what a deep streak of vanity runs through the naters of human men. As many times as it had been proved right out to his face that he couldn t sing no more than a ginny-hen, or a fannin -mill, that man still kep up a calm and perennial idee that he was a sweet singer. Yes, it is a deep scientific fact, as I have often re marked to Josiah Allen, that the spring of vanity that gushes up in men s naters can t be clogged up and choked. It is a gushin fountain that forever bubbles over the brink with perennial and joyful freshness. No matter how many impediments you may put in its way, no matter how many hard stuns of disappoint ment and revilin and agony you may throw into that fountain, it won t do no more than to check the foamin current for a moment. But presently, or sometimes even before that, the irrepressible fountain will soar up as foamin ly as ever. As many times, and times agin, as Josiah s vanity had been trampled on and beat down and stunned, yet how constant and clear it was a bubblin up and mean- LUCKY FOR THE POETS. 375 derin right before my sight. And before I had got through allegorin in my own mind about the curious and scientific subject, he gave me another proof of it. Says he : " I don t want you to think, Samantha, be cause I said I didn t know but we would let wimmen have a hand in it, I don t want you to think that we want any help in the singin . We don t want any help in the singin , and don t need any; but 1 didn t know but you would want to help compose some poetry on Liab. Not but what we could do it first-rate, but its a kind o busy time of year, and a little help might come good on that account." Says I, in a very dry tone, very : " What a lucky thing it is for Tennyson and Longfellow that you and old Bobbet are so cramped for time. There wouldn t probable be no call for their books at all, if you two old men only had time to write poetry ; it is dretful lucky for them." But I didn t keep up that dry, sarcastical tone long. No, I felt too solemn to. I felt that I must get his mind off of the idee if I possibly could. I knew it would be putting the wrong foot forward to come right out plain and tell him the truth, that he couldn t sing no more than a steam-whistle or a gong. No, I knew that would be the wrong way to manage. But I says, in a warnin and a awful sort of a tone, and a look jest solemn and impressive enough to go with it : " Remember, Josiah Allen, how many times your pardner has told you to let well enough alone. You 376 THE REHEARSALS. had better not try to go into any such doin s, Josiah Allen. You ll sup sorrow if you do." But it was no use. In spite of all my entreaties and arguments they got it up amongst em ; composed some poetry (or what they called poetry), and went and sung it over (or what they called singin ) night after night to the school-house ; practicin it secret so Liab shouldn t hear of it, for they was a lottin on givin him such a joyful surprise. Wall, they practised it over night after night, for over a week. And Josiah would praise it up so to me, and boast over it so, that 1 fairly hated the word ser enade. "Why," says he, "it is perfectly beautiful, the hull thirteen pieces we have learnt, but specially the piece we have made up about him; that is awful affectinV And says he: "I shouldn t wonder a mite if Liab should shed tears when he hears it." And I d tell him I persumed it was enough to bring tears from anybody. And that would mad him agin. He would get mad as a hen at me. But I didn t care. I knew I was a talkin on principle, and I wasn t goin to give in an inch, and I didn t. Wall, at last the night come that they had sot to serenade him. I felt like cryin all the time he was a fixiii to go. For next to bein a fool yourself, it is gaulin to have a pardner make a fool of himself. But never, never, did I see Josiah Allen so high- " SHET THE GATE." 377 larious in his most highlarious times. He acted almost perfectly happy. Why, you would have thought he was a young man to see him act. It was fairly sickish, and I told him so. " Wall," says he, as he started out, " you can make light of me all you are a mind to, Samantha, but as long as Josiah Allen has the chance to make another fellow-mortal perfectly happy, and put money in his own pocket at the same time, he hain t the feller to let the chance slip." " Wall," says I coldly, " shet the gate after you." I knew there wuzn t no use in arguin any more with him about it. And I think it is a great thing to know when to stop arguin or preachin or anythin . It is a great thing to know enough to stop talkin* when you have got through say in any thin . But this is a deep subject ; one I might allegore hours and hours on, and still leave ample room for allegory. And to resoom and continue on, he started off ; and I wound up the clock, and undressed and went to bed, leavin the back-kitchen door onlocked. Wall, that was in the neighborhood of 10 o clock. And I declare for t, and I hain t afraid to own it, that 1 felt afraid. There I was all alone in the house, sun- thin that hardly ever happened to me, for Josiah Allen was always one that you couldn t get away from home nights if he could possibly help it ; and if he did go I almost always went with him. Yes, Josiah Allen is almost always near me ; and though he hain t probable 378 A FEARFUL TIME. so much protection as he would be if he weighed more by the steelyards, yet such is my love for him that I feel safe when he is by my side. I had read only a day or two before about a number of houses bein broken open and plundered, besides several cases of rapine ; and though 1 hain t, I persume, so afraid of burglers as I would be if I had ever been burgled, and though I tried to put my best foot for ward, and be calm, still, the solemn thought would come to me, and I couldn t drive it away: Who knows but what this is the time that I shall be rapined and burgled ? Oh ! what a fearful time I did have in my mind, as I lay there in my usually peaceful feather-bed. Wall, I got wider and wider awake every minute, and thinkses I, I will get up and light the lamp, and read a little, and mcbby that will quiet me down. So I got up and sot down by the buro, and took up the last World; and the very first piece I read was a account of a house bein broke into, between ten o clock and midnight, and four wimmcn massacreed in their beds. I laid down the World, and groaned loud. And then I sithcd hard several times. And right there, while I was a sithin , sunthin come kerslop aginst the window, right by my side. And though I hain t no doubt it was a June bug or a bat, still if it had been a burgler all saddled and bridled that had rode up aginst my winder, it couldn t have skairt me no TRYING TO FEEL SAFE. 379 worse, and I couldn t have jumped no higher, I was that wrought up and excited. Wall, thinkses I, it is the light that has drawed that bat or June bug aginst the winder, and mebby it will RURGLERS. draw sunthin worse, and I believe I will blow out the light and get into bed agin ; I believe I will feel safer. So T blowed the light out, and got into bed. Wall, 1 had lain there mebby ten minutes, a tremblin and a quakin , growin skairter and skairter every minute, 14* 380 A STRANGE VOICE. when all of a sudden I heard a rappin aginst my win der, and a hoarse sort of a whisper sayin : " Josiah Allen! Josiah Allen! Miss Allen! " It didn t sound like no voice that I had ever heard, and I jest cov ered my head up and lay there, with my heart a beatin so you could have heard it under the bed. I Tcneiv it was a burgler. I knew my time had come to be burgled. Wall, the whisperin and the rappin kep up for quite a spell, and then it kinder died off; and I got up and pecked through the winder, and then I see a long white figger a movin off round the corner of the house toward the back-kitchen. And then I was skairter still, for I knew it was a ghost that was a appearin to me. And 1 had always said, and say still, that I had ruther be burgled than appeared to. THE GHOST. ALONE WITH A SPECTRE . 381 And there I lay, a tremblin and a listening and pretty soon I heard steps a comin into the back- kitchen, and so along through the house up to my bed room door. And then there come a rap right onto my door. And though cold shivers was a runnin down my back, and goose-pimples was present with me, I knew sunthin had got to be done. There I was alone in the house with a ghost. And thinkses I, I must try to use it well, so s to get rid of it ; for I thought like as not if I madded it, it would stick right by me. And so I says, in as near the words I could remember, as I had hearn tell they talked to spirits: "Are you a good spirit?" says I. "If you are a good spirit, raise up and raj) three times." I s pose my voice sounded low and tremblin down under the bed-clothes, and my teeth chattered so loud that they probable drounded the words some. But the rappin kep up. And says I agin : " If you are a likely spirit, raise up and rap three times, and then leave." And then says I, for I happened to think what I had heard they done to get em away, for I had been that flustrated and horrer-struck that I couldn t think of nothin hardly, says I : "I will you away. I will you off out of this house, if you please," I added, for I was so afraid of maddiii it. Thinkses I to myself, I would ruther mad a bur- gler or a rapiner ten times over than to get a apperi- 382 TALKING WITH THE GHOST. tion out with me. 1 s pose I had spoke up louder this time, for the ghost (or what 1 thought was such) an swered back to me, and says : " 1 am Miss Moony." Says i " Not she that was Tamer Sansey ? " " Yes, I be." Says I, in stern tones, for truth and rectitude is my theme, even in talkin with a apperition, and I felt, skairt as 1 was, that it would be better to improve a ghost than to not be a doin anything in the cause of right. And so says 1 firmly : "Do you stop telLn such stuff to me." Says I: " You are a lyin spirit. Tamer Moony is alive and enjoyin middlin good health, if she wuzn t so nervous. Eliab Gansey is a visitin of her now. She never was a ghost, nor nothin like it, and apperition or not, you shan t stand there and lie to me." Says the voice: " Let me in, Miss Allen ; 1 am Miss Moony, and I am most dead; I am skairt most to death. And," says she, "I want Josiah Allen to go over to our house right off. Oh! 1 am most dead," says she. 1 begun to grow calmer. 1 see it wuzn t no ghost, and says I: u Wait one minute, Miss Moony." And I ketched up the first weepon I could get holt of to defend myself, if she should prove to be a impos- ter. It was Fox es Book of Martyrs, and I calculated in case of need to jest throw them old martyrs at her in a way she would remember. But it didn t prove to OPENING THE DOOR. 383 be no imposter. When 1 opened the door there stood Tamer Moony a tremblin in her night-gown, with not a sign of a shoe nor a stockin on her feet, nor a bon net on, nor nothin . " Why, for the land s sake. Tamer Moony/ says I, TAMER MOONY. " what is the matter ? What are you here at this time of night for, and in this condition?" says 1. " Why," says she, a tremblin like a popple-leaf, " there is the awfulest goin s on up to our house that you ever see. There is murderin a goin on! Liab has been murdered in cold blood ! " says she, a wringin her hands, and groanin and sithin like a wild woman. 384 SUPPOSED MURDER. "What makes you think so?" says I. "What have you seen ? Have you been hurt ? Where is Mandna ? " says I. " Oh, Mandy has gone over to Dagget s to roust them up. Oh ! Oh ! them awful sounds ! They are a ringin through my ears yet ! " says she, a wringin her hands and a groaniu wilder than ever. THE SEKENADING PARTY. Says I firmly, but kindly : " Tamer Moony, try to be calm, and compose yourself down. Tell me jest what you have seen and heerd, and how it begun." " Wall, in the first place, Mandana and I was rousted up out of sleep by hearin a noise down in the the yard, and we got up and peeked through the win der, and we see 7 or 8 men, wild, savage-lookin men, a prowlin along through the yard ; some of em walked with canes. I persume they had swords in WILD INJUNS. 385 em. Mandy thought she see the swords bloody swords. And as we stood there a peekin through the blinds, we see ? em prowl their way along round the house towards Liab s winder. And then, a minute or two after, we licerd the awfulest sounds we ever heerd, the most fearful and agonizin . I s pose it was Liab a groanin and screechiir when they killed him. And then they seemed to screech out and yell the most harrowin and blood-curdlin sounds I ever heerd. jlandy said she knew they was Injuns. No other race could have made such hideous and unearthly noises. She said she had heerd that Injuns gin jest such awful and melancholy yells when they was on the war-path. " Wall, them awful sounds took every mite of our strength away. We stood there tremblin like two leaves, till finally we made out to totter down the back stairs ; and she run to Dagget ses, and I started acrost the lots here, for we thought the hull neighborhood ort to be rousted up. I am most dead ! Oh ! poor Liab ! poor Liab ! And his wife and childern happy at home ! Who will carry the awful news to em ? He was probable killed before I got out of the house. I thought I suffered when 1 lost my husband and 4 childern within a year, but this goes ahead of anything I ever see. So harrowin and awful ; to have Liab, my only brother, killed right under my ruff, and I couldn t help it. Oh ! waat shall I do ? What shall I do ?" I see she Avas jest a tumblin over into a historical fit, and I laid her down on my bed, and broke it to her 386 JOSIAH COMES HOME. gradual, what the trouble was. And then she had the historicks worse than ever. She broke out into a laugh so loud that you could hear her clear to the road, and then she broke out a cryin so you could hear her et cetery and the same. And then she would claw right into me, and tear and rip round. But good land ! she didn t know what she was a doin , she was so full of the historicks. She was jest a pullin and a tearin at the bottom sheet when Josiah Allen came a meachin in. A meachmer-lookin cree- ter I never beheld. And from what I learned after wards, well he might meach. And as bad as he looked, lie looked worse when I says to him, says I : U I told you, Josiah Allen, to let well enough alone, but you wouldn t ; and you can see now what you have done with your serenadin and foolery. You have killed Miss Moony, for what I know, and," says I, in still sterner axents, "a hull piece of factery cloth woTi t make our loss good." Then Josiah groaned awful, and says I : " What worse effects have f oiler ed on after your serenadin", 1 don t know." Josiah kep on a groanin pitifuller and pitifuller, and I see then that his head was all bruised up. It looked as if he had been pelted with sunthin hard, and there was a bunch riz up over his left eye as big as a banty s egg, and it was a swellin all the time stiddy and constant. And from that night, right along, I kep bread and milk poultices on it, changin CATNIP AND POULTICES. 387 from lobelia to catnip, as I see the swellin growed or diminished. His sufferings was awful, and so was mine, for all the first 3 days and nights I thought it would mortify, do the best I could, it looked that black and angry. His agony with it was intense, and also with his mind THE BRUISED JOSIAH. his mind bein near the swellin , made it worse, mebby his mortification and disapointment was that overwhelmin and terrible. It was the water-pitcher, as I hearn afterwards, that Liab had pelted him with. I s pose from what I heerd afterwards, that they had the awfulest time that was ever heard of in Jonesville, or the world. Liab jest throwed everything at em he could lay his hands on. Why, them old men was jest 388 TELLING BLOWS. about killed. He pretended to think they was burglers and tramps, but I never believed it for a minute. I believe it madded him to be waked up out of a sound sleep, and see them 8 old creeters makin perfect fools of themselves. Some think that he had been kinder sot up by some jealous-minded person, and made to think the Jones- villians wanted to make money out of him, and cheat him ; and he was always dretful quick-tempered, that everybody knows. And some think that he thought it was a lot of young fellers dressed up in disguise, a tryin to make fun of him, callin him " Eliab." He always hated the name Eliab, and had felt above it for years, and wrote his name E. Wellington Gansey. But as he left on the first train in the morning, I don t s pose we shall ever know the hull truth of the matter. But anyway, whatever was the cause, he bruised up them old men fearful. Eliab was strong and perse- verm , and a good calculator, or he never could have laid up the property he had. Every blow hit jest where it would hurt the worst. He pelted them old men perfectly fearful. They had composed a lot of verses over 20 they say there was of em that they was a layin out to sing to him. They didn t sing but 3, 1 believe, when the first boot hit em, but they say they kep on singin the next verse, bein determined to mollify him down, till they got so bruised and battered HIE SERENADE. THE BURDEN OF THEIR SONG. 391 up that they had to flee for their very lives. The verses run like this : Who did from the Ohio come To visit round in his old home, And make the neighbers happy, some? Eliab. With melody we him will cheer, And keep Eliab Gansey here. Who is this man we love so dear? Eliab. If music sweet as can be had Can sooth thee, make thee blest and glad, Then never more shalt thou be sad, Eliab. I s pose it was jest at this very minute that the washbowl flew and struck old Bobbet in the small of the back, and crumpled him right down; he was sort o bent over the accordeon. They didn t play the accordeon all the time they was singin , as I have been told, but between the verses; jest after they would sing " Eliab," they would play a few notes sort o lively. It was Josiah s idee, as I heard afterwards, their takin the accordeon. They couldn t one of em play a tune, or anything that sounded like a tune, but he insisted it would .look more stylish tb^iave some instru ment, and so they took that old accordeon that used to belong to Shakespeare Bobbet. They had planned it all out, and had boasted that 392 THE STORM. they had got up something in their own heads that hadn t never been heerd of in Jonesville. And well they might say so, well they might. Wall, there wasn t one of them 8 old fellers that was good for anything for the next 4 weeks. Eliab s folks try to make the best of it. They say now that Eliab always did, when he was first rousted up out of a sound sleep, act kinder lost and crazy. They tell that now to kind o smooth it over, but I think, and I always shall think, that lie knew jest who he was a hittin , and what he was a hittin em with. It was the glass soap-dish that struck old Dagget s nose. And I wish you could have seen that nose for the next 3 weeks. It used to be a Roman, but after that night it didn t look much like a Roman. Eliab s boots was the very best of leather, and they had a new-fashioned kind of heels, some sort o metal or other, and Cornelius Cook says they hit as powerful as any cannon balls would ; he goes lame yet. You know the shin-bone is one of the tenderest bones in the hull body to be hit aginst. It was the bootjack that hit the Editor of the Augur ses head. His wife was skairt most to death about him, and she says to me she had come over to see if she could get some wormwood and she says : " He never will get over that bootjack in the world, I don t believe. His head is swelled up as big as two heads ought to be." OLD SAN8EY AND SMAKTWEED. 393 And says I : "It always happens so, don t it, that the weakest spot is the one that always gets hit ? " I was sorry for her as I could be. And I gin her the wormwood, and recommended her to use about half and half smartweed. Says I: " Smartweed is good for the outside of his head, and if it strikes in it won t hurt him none." I felt to sympathize with her. Old Sansey hain t got over the slop-jar yet. It brought on other com plaints that he was subject to, and the Dr. says he may get over it, and he may not. But as bad as .it was for all the rest, it was the worst for Josiah Allen as bad agin. It wuzn t so much the hurt he got that night, though I thought for quite a spell that it would have to be operated on, and I didn t know but it would prove to be his death-blow. And it wuzn t so much our suffer- in s with Miss Moony, though them was fearful, bein up with her all that night, and workin over her to keep the breath of life in her, and she a clawin at us, and a ketchin holt of us, and a laughin , and a cryin . We had to send for the neighbors, we was that skairt about her, and Josiah had to go for the doctor right in the dead <j night, with his head a achin as if it would split open. And it wuzn t so much the thought of losin Eliab and money, though Josiah was dretfully attached to both, and he felt the loss of both on em more deeply than tongue can ever tell. But that wuzn t where the deep- 394 A HUMILIATIN BLOW. est piece of iron entered his soul. It was to think his singin had got called so all to nort. He thought he was such a sweet, dulcet harmonist; he had gloated and boasted so over his lovely, melodious voice, and thought he was goin to be admired so for it; and then to think his singin had skairt two wimmen most to death, had skairt one into fits, anyway for if ever a woman had a historical fit Tamer Moony had one that night. And instead of his serenade winnin Liab s love and money, it had disgusted him so that he had pelted him most to death. Oh ! it was a fearfully humiliatin .blow to his vanity. The blow on his forward wasn t to be compared to the soreness of the blow onto his vanity, though the swellin on his forward was bigger than a butnut, and as sore as any bile I ever see. Yes, I have seen Josiah Allen in try in places, time and agin, and in places calculated to make a man meach, but never, never did I see him in a place of such deep meachin ness and gloom as he was that night after he had come home with Doctor Bamber. There he was, at the very time, the very night, when he had lotted on bein covered with admiration and glory like a mantilly, there he wuz lookin , oh, so pitiful and meek, bowed down by pain, contumily, and water- pitchers. And he happened to pass by the bed where Miss Moony lay, and she, bein blind with historicks, laid holt of him, and called him " Mandana." She clutched right into his vest, and held him tight, and says she : JOSIAH IN A HARD PLACE. 395 " Oh Mandana ! Oh ! them awful voices ! Oh ! them horrible, screechin yells! I can t forget em," says she. " They are ringin through my ears yet." And then Dr. Bamber and the neighbors knew all about what it wuz that had skairt her so ; there they stood a laughin in their sleeves (as it were). And MANDANA ! MANDANA Josiah standin there, lookin as if he must sink. And there Samantha wuz, who had vainly argued with him, and entreated him to let well enough alone. Yes, Josiah Allen was in -a hard place, a very hard place. But he couldn t get away from her, so he had to grin and bear it. For he couldn t onclench her 396 THE LAST OF THE SERENADE. hands ; she had a sort of a spazzum right there, a holdin him tight. And every time she would come to a little, she would call him " Mandana," and yell about them " awful, blood-curdlin screeches. - It was a curious time very. Wall, she got better after a while. Dr. Bamber give her powerful doses of morplieen, and that quelled her down. But morpheen couldn t quiet down Josiah Allen s feelin s, nor ease the sore spot in his vanity. No ! all the poppies that ever grew in earthly gardens couldn t do it. He never will start out a seranadin agin, I don t believe never. I hain t one to be a twittin about things. But sun- thin happened to bring the subject up the other mornin jest after breakfast, and I says this, I merely observed this to him : " Wall, you wanted to make a excitement, Josiah Allen, and you did make one." " Wall, wall ! who said I didn t ? " Says I : " You have most probable done your last seranadin ." I said this in a mild and almost amiable axent, but you ort to heard how that man yelled up at me. Says he : " If I was a woman, and couldn t keep from talkin so dumb aggravating I d tie my tongue to my teeth. And if you arc a goin to skim the milk for that calf, why don t you skim it ? " " Wall," says I mildly, " I hain t deef." A STITCH IN THE BACK. JUDAS WART AND SUFFERIN WIMMIN. ONE mornin , not long after Miss Bobbet s visit, I was a doin up my mornin s work. I had been a little belated, for my companion Josiah, while fod- derin , had been took in his back sudden and violent with a stitch. He is subject to such stitches, but they are very painful and inconvenient. All the way he could walk round the house was by leanin upon a broom-stick. He found the broom-handle in the barn, and come in leanin heavy on it, and groanin powerful and fre quent. It skairt me awfully. I never hinted to him that I thought more n as likely as not that stitch was sent as a judgment; no, I held firm, and kep my tongue still with almost giant force. That day, when the sun had rose up clear and lofty in the heavens, was the time I had calculated to tackle him. But I was too honorable to tackle a pard- ner who was down with a stitch. No, I treated him well, bathed his back in linament, 15 (399) 400 THE MORMON ELDER VISITS SAMANTHA. and he was a lyin behind the stove on the lounge, as comfortable as anybody could be in his situation of back and conscience. As I said, I was a washin up my dishes in the but tery, when all of a sudden in walk ed Elder Judas Wart. The door was open, it bein a pleasant rnorn- in , and he jest rapped at the side of the door, and walked in. I guess he didn t see Josiah, the lounge bein kinder behind the door ; but he seemed dretful tickled to see me tickleder fur than I was. Though, havin my mission in view, I used him well, and sot him a chair. But little did I think what was before me ; little did I think what the awfulness of his first words to me would be. He hadn t been in that house five minutes, for I know I had only jest hung up my dish-cloth (for knowin what a tussle of principle was ahead of me, and feelin as if I should need all my strength in the conflict, I left the heaviest of my dishes to wash at noon, for the first time in over fourteen months). Wall, if you can believe it, jest as I got that ELDER JUDAS WART. COMPLIMENTARY REMARKS. 401 cloth hung up, that man, with no phraseoligies or ex cuses or anything, that man up and says : " I have heard, and I see for myself, that you are a very smart woman, and you could do wonders in the true church if you was married to some leadin man, RESCUING THE ELDER. to me, for instance," says he, bold as brass, " or was sealed to me," says he, spittin hard onto the floor. But that man hadn t hardly got that seal- and that tobacco-juice out of his mouth, when Josiah Allen sprung up and leveled that broom-stick at him with c, deadly aim. I sprung forward and threw the end of the broom-stick up jest in time to save the Elder s life. 402 SASS FOR THE GANDER. 1 forced him to desist, I and the stitch ; for truly the effort was too much for him. The stitch griped him awful, and he sunk back with a agonizin groan. I wanted Josiah to stay his hand and the broom stick for two reasons. One was, I didn t want the Elder killed quite so quick not till after I had had a chance to convert him. And another reason was, I thought of my deep agony and a Widder Bump, and thinkscs I to myself, though the medicine is fearful to administer, as gaulin and bitter as wormwood and sicuta biled down in tar and vinegar, still I felt it was what my companion needed to show him the nefarious- ness and heniousness of Mormonism, in its true light. I wouldn t in his present weakness of mind and back, throw the Widder Bump in his face, as I might have done. Some pardners would have jest turned round on him, as he lay there on that lounge, and throwed that woman full and square in his face. But 1 didn t. 1 see he was a sufferin enough without that. He was takin the matter to himself like a blis ter, as anybody has got to, in order to feel the smart. A blister don t draw half so powerful, nor feel half so bad, when it is on somebody else es back, as it does when it is on our n. He was a mcditatin how it would seem to his heart to lose the companion of his youth and middle age. He was a eatin of that sass which ganders think is quite good for geese to eat. He was seein now how it would relish to a gander. I ABOUT "A CERTAIN WIDDER." 403 pitied him from the bottom of my heart, his looks was such. But Elder Judas Wart had no such feelin s of pity and sympathy, and bein excited by Josiah s ragin wrath, and maddened by the broom-stick, he spoke out, in a angry, sarcastical tone : " Your husband felt different on this subject last spring. He seemed almost inclined at one time to take to himself another helpmate. There was a certain widder, there " " You lie, sir ! " says Josiah, springin up to his feet. "There wuzn t no widder there, and I never was there." " Never was where ? " says 1, in a awful voice; for curiosity and various other emotions was a hunchin me, as hard as ever a woman was hunched by em. " I never was anywhere ! I never was to their meetings, nor to nowhere else." " Where wuz you, then ? " says I, in that same strange voice. " I told you I wuzn t nowhere, didn t 1 ? " he yelled out in fearful axents. But Elder Judas Wart went right on a talkin to me, stiddy as fate, and as hard to be turned round as she. "He seemed then to look at the Widder" " I never looked at a widder ! I never see none ! I never see a widder in my life ! " Says I : "Josiah Allen, be calm! " " I tell you I won t be calm ! And I tell you there hain t no widders there nor hain t never been any nor nowhere else no? I never heard of any." 404 JOSIAH LIES, AND STICKS TO IT. He was delerious, and I see that he was. But Elder Judas Wart kep right on, with a haughty, proud axent : " He seemed then to look favorably upon the widder I have lately espoused. The Widder Bump ; don t you remember her?" " No ! I don t remember no such widder, and I don t believe there was any by that name." " Why," says I, " Josiah Allen, she made that coat you have got on. Don t you remember it? " "No! I don t! She didn t make it! It wuzn t made ! I never had none." " Why, Josiah Allen," says I, " what will become of you if you tell such stories ?" " There won t nothin become of me, nor never will; there never has nothin become of me." But jest as he said this, the stitch ketched him agin powerful and strong, and he sunk down on the lounge, a groanin violent. I see he was delerious with pain of body, and fur deeper, more agonizin pain of mind, contrition, shame, remorse, and various other emotions. And then, oh, the strength and power of woman s love ! As that man lay there, with all his past weak ness and wickedness brought out before me, stricken with agony, remorse, and stitches, I loved him, and I pitied him. I felt that devoted, yearnin , tender feelin for him to that extent that I felt in my heart that if it were possible I could take that stitch upon me, and RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD. 405 bear it onward myself, and relieve my pardner. Women s love is a beautiful thing, a holy thing, but curious, very. I reviled my pardner not, but covered him tenderly up with my old woolen shawl, sot the broomstick up against the lounge, and he lay there and never said another word, only at intervals when a pain of un common size would ketch him in his back or con science, he would groan loud and agonizin . But I see it was no use to argue with .him then about the Widder Bump. But if you ll believe it, I can t make him to this day say iiothin different. I have had a great many talks with him on the subject, but, he says, " She is a woman he never see." And the nearest I ever made him own up to it was once when I had talked real good to him, talked to him about his past wickedness and tottlin morals, and told him how 1 knew his morals was straightened and propped up now, good and sound, and his affections stabled and firm sot where they should be sot. I talked awful good to him, and he seemed to be sort o melted down. And he owned up " that it did seem to him as if he had heard, when he was a child, of a woman by that name, that lived somewhere near here. It was either that name, or Bumper he couldn t for his life tell which." And I gin up then. Truly there are strange pages 406 SAMANTHA IS APPROACHED. in a man s nater, filled with curious language, curiouser than conundrums : who can read em ? As I said, havin the aim in my mind that I did have, havin a desire to let Josiah Allen get a full taste of that sass. that he, as well as other ganders, find is fur different to eat themselves, and to stand haughtily on one leg (to foller out the gander simely) and see their mates eat it. Havin a desire to let him get a full glimpse of the awful depth and blackness and horrer of the abyss he had suspended himself over, I did not rebuke Elder Judas Wart as I should, had it not been for that. I merely told him, when he said sunthin agin about my bein sealed to him I merely said to him, with dignity and firmness : Says I, "If you say that word seal to me agin, I ll seal you in a way you won t never want to be sealed!" Says I, in still more awful tones, giancin at the bilin teakettle, " If you say that word to me agin in my house, I ll scald you, if it is the last work I ever do in my life, and I am hung for it the next minute." My face was red ; I was fearfully excited with my almost giant efforts to control myself. To think that he should dare to approach me! me! Josiah Allen s wife ! with his infamous offer. He see that my looks was gettin terrible and scareful, and he hastened to say: " I meant it in a religious way." And I was that excited and mad, that I spoke right up and says, " Wall ! I ll scald you in a religious way ; " RELIGIOUS MATRIMONY. 407 and I added, in a firm, low tone, " But I ll bet a cent you won t never want to be scalded agin as long as you live." Says he, in a sort of a apologizing meachin way, "It is my religion to marry various wives. " Wall," says I, still clingin to my simely, as great HOT WATER. oriters always do, "It is my religion to scald you, if you don t stop your insultin talk instantly and to once ! You can t talk no such stuff in the house of her who was once Smith," says I, glancin agin at the teakettle, and steppin up a little nearer to it. "Be composed, mum," says he, a hitchin up his 15* 408 THE ELDER WANTS TO ARGUE. chair a little nearer the door ; " Be composed ! I was speakin in a strictly religious sense." Says I, " You can t never make me think a crime can be committed religiously." And agin I looked longin ly at that teakettle. " Compose yourself down, mum, and let us argue for a brief spell," says he. His tone was sort o implorin and beseechin . And he took a plug of tobacco out of his coat-pocket, and bit a great chew off en it, and put it into his mouth, I s pose to try to show off and make himself attrac tive. But good land ! how foolish it was in him. He didn t look half so well to me as he did before, and that hain t sayin but a very little, a very little indeed. He wadded the tobacco all up on one side of his mouth, till his cheek stood out some like a wen, and the tobacco-juice started and run down on each side of his chin. And so, havin fixed himself, I s pose, so his looks suited him, he says agin : " Less argue the subject." I see that here was the chance I had wanted to con vince him of his iniquity. I see that Duty was leadin a war-horse up in front of me all saddled and bridled, ready for me to mount and career onward nobly on the path of Right. I see that Duty was holdin in this charger by the martingills with one hand, and with the other she was holdin out a pair of spurs to me. And though never, never, did a war-horse look so prancin and dangerous "LESS ARGUE." A DANGEROUS WAR-HORSE. 4H to me, and never did spurs look so heavy and sharp and tejus to my achin heels, yet Josiah Allen s wife is not one to turn her back to Duty s call no, my desire to battle with the wrong, my martyrous spirit curbed me in and let me hear him talk. And he went on to tell me that in the first place he wanted to lay before me the rise, progress, and glory of the Mormon Church. Says he, " In the first place, you know, mum, that God made a distinct revelation to us. Our bible was found written 011 plates of gold. Them plates " I am naturally very well-bread. And thinkin mebby it would influence him towards the right, I didn t lay out to interrupt him, or disturb his arguments, till he had got through presentin of em. But the idee of such imposture imposture in the name of God so worked on me, that I spoke right out, in a firm, digni fied tone, but very solemn: " Elder Judas Wart, you jest pass them plates." Says he : " Why should 1 pass em ? The revelation of God is written on em." "Revelation!" says I. "I should jest as soon go into my buttery, and read my meat plates and platters, as to read em. I should find jest as much of a reve lation on em." And agin I says, with dignity : " You pass them plates." Says he: "I wont pass em." And he begun agin, in a sort of a boastin way: "September 22, 1827, the 412 A POWERFUL LESSON. angel Moroni placed in Joseph Smith s hand our Mor mon bible, or that is, the plates, that " Says I : " Hain t I told you to pass them plates ? Your bible is a romance writ by Solomon Spaulding jest fo*r fun, jest to see how near he could write like the bible. And it is a powerful lesson to me, and should be to everybody, of the terrible harvest that may spring up from one careless, thoughtless deed. The awful consequences, the sin, and the woe that fol lowed that one irreverent-, thoughtless act might well make us all more thoughtful, more mindful of the ter rible responsibility that follows all our acts, the small est as well as the greatest. We can t shake off that personal responsibility. It follers us tight as our shadders even into our hours of * recreation, showin us that we should not only work nobly, but recreate nobly and innocently and reverently." " But," says lie " them plates " But I Avas so rousted up with my emotions, that I waved out my right hand with awful dignity, and says I: " You shall pass them plates." And I held firm, and made him pass em. And he went to bringin up the miracles that had been done by the early church curing the lame and deaf, healing the sick, and et cetery, and so forth. Says he: "I have heard that you are a woman that loves reason and fair play," and says he, "you can t get over those mir acles, can you ? " MORMON MIRACLES. 413 Says I candidly : " I don t want to get over no mir acles, and hain t tried to. But I can say with the poet, that so far as believin of em is concerned, miracles is sunthin I had ruther see done myself than to hear of em. Howsumever, I hain t a goin to say that you hain t done em. As to healin the sick, the wonderful power and magnetism one strong mind can exert over a weaker one, when the weaker one has perfect faith in it, has a great many times performed deeds that looked miracilas, out of the Mormon church, and most probable in it. But even if you have raised the dead, which I don t think you claim you have done, it would make me no more a believer in mormonism ; for we read of a woman not religious, who did that. And I never hankered after keepin company with Miss Endor, or wanted to neighbor with her, or appear like her." "You are unreasonable, mum," says he. " I don t mean to be," says 1. " I have allowed all you want me to, and more too. What more can you want ? " " You deride our holy church. Our church found ered on the Commandments of God." "Which one ? " says I enquirin ly. " Which one ?" says he haughtily. " Every one of em ; every one of em." "Wall," says I calmly and reasonably, but with quite a lot of dignity, " we ll see"." And I was risin up to go and get the Bible off en the stand, for I was determined he should see em in black and white, when he spoke out haughtily and proudly : 414 BRIGHAM YOUNG, "THE MODEL SAINT." " Keep your seat, mum ; keep your seat. I have the Bible here in my breast pocket. Our church bein foundered on the Commandments, leanin up aginst em as we do for all our strength and safety, I don t depend on Bibles layin round loose on stands, and so forth. I carry a copy all the time right over my heart, or pretty near over it on the left side of my vest, anyway." Says I : " There is different ways of carryin things in the heart. But that is a deep subject, and I will not begin to episode upon it, for if I should begin, no knowin how fur I should episode to, but will merely say that there is other ways of carryin things in your heart besides carryin em in your vest pocket. But howsumever, read off the first one." And he read it: " Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." He read it off jest like a text. And the minute he stopped I begun to talk on it a good deal like preachin , only shorter ; but with jest about the same dignity and mean that preachers have. Says I, in that firm, preachin tone : " You have made Brigham Young a God. Your preacher, whom you call a model saint, openly avowed that he was God. You have pretended to believe, and have taught to the people his blasphemus doctrine that he had power to save souls in the heavenly kingdom, or to shut em out of it." Says I : " I could spread out this awful idee, and cover hours with it, and then not make it very thin, either ; there is so much that could be AN IMAGE OF CLAY. 415 said on the awfulness of it. But 1 have got nine more jobs jest like it ahead on me to tackle, so enough, and suffice it to say, fetch on your next one. He was goin to hranch out and say sunthin , but I held to my first idee, and wouldn t let him. 1 told him if 1 argued with him at all, he had got to read those Commandments off jest like texts, and let me preach on em. 1 told him after I had got through with em, then he could rise up and explain his mind, and talk ; but jest at present it was the commands of God I wanted to hear not the words of Elder Judas Wart. And I held firm, and made him. And when he would begin to argue I would call for another one, and kep him at it. " Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image * * * * thou shalt not bow down to them, nor serve them" Says I : " You have done that and worse. You have worshipped and revered an image of clay rather weak clay, too, though held up by a mighty will and ambi tion. Why, most anybody would say that a graven image would be sounder than he was more sort o solid and substantial. Anyway, it wouldn t wobble round as he wobbled, preachin one thing to-day, and denyin it to-morrow, jest as his own interests dictated. And the graven image wouldn t have been so selfish and graspin and unscrupulus. It would have been fur honester, and wouldn t have wanted more n a hun dred wives. But that image of clay, such as it was, you sot up and worshipped, and you needn t deny it." 416 SABBATH-BREAKING MORMONS. He didn t try to. He knew it wouldn t be no use to, and says he : " Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." Says I, in a firm, awful axent, " You have taken it in vain, the weakest kind of vanity, and you have taken it wickedly, the wickedest kind of wickedness, in darin to commit this sin in the name of God." Says he, " Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy." Says I, u You have kept it holy, by teachin this unholy sin. By assemblin at the tabernacle to listen to words so low, and vulgar, and weak that they would be contemptible, if they were not so wicked and blas phemous." Says he, "Honor thy father and thy mother." He spoke up awful quick and some haughty. He felt what I had said, I knew it by his mean, and he seemed to read this with a air as if this was sunthin he could lean aginst hard, and nobody could hender its bein a support to him. He looked sort o independent and overbearin at me as he finished readin it, and he spit on the floor in a sort of a proud way. But I went right on, in a deep and impressive axent, and says I, " You have made that commandment im possible for your children to follow. You have wick edly deprived your children of one of the holiest and most sacred things in life. A child s right to honor the parents they love, and feel it their duty to rever- MORMON MURDERERS. 41T ence. But how can anybody, unless he is a fool or a luny, honor what hain t honorable ? How can a child honor a parent whose hands are stained with innocent blood, who is enriched by theft and rapine, who is living in open shame in open defiance to the commonest rules of morality who breaks all the commandments of God, and calls it religion ? " Says he, " Thou shalt not kill." Says I, u The teachers of your religion say, Thou shalt kill, if it is for the safety and enrichment of the Mormon church. And, following their commands instead of God s, you killed one hundred and 20 inno- 418 THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE MORMON CHURCH. cent men, wimmen, and children in one day. And how many other murders have been committed by orders of your church, in those lonely deserts and mountain roads and canyons, will never be known till the searchin light of the great day of doom reveals all secret things. Why," says I, " Brigham Young taught that Mormons should shed each other s blood for the remission of sins." He looked meachin , very. He didn t try to argue on this he couldn t, for he knew I could prove what I had said. And he looked meachiner yet, as he read the next one : u Thou shalt not commit adultery." Says I, " The hull Mormon church is built up on the ruins of this broken commandment, and you know it. And you teach this doctrine, that the more pieces you break this commandment into, the higher it is goin to boost you up into heaven. The meaner and lower you be on earth, the higher place you will have in the heavenly kingdom " Says he, interruptin of me with a look of fearful meach restin on his eyebrow, and speakin up dretful quick : " Thou shalt not steal." Says I, "Your church teaches, tliou shalt steal. And you have to do it too, and you know it." Says he, " Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." Says I, " Ask the unhappy Gentiles who have in- WHAT THE MORMONS COVET AND GET. 419 curred the displeasure or aroused the cupidity of the Mormon church, whether the Mormon commandment, Thou shalt bear false witness against thy neighbor, has not been followed, and followed, too, to the death." " Thou shalt not covet " and he said over the hull on em wife, property, and maidservant. Says I, " Your church teaches thou shalt covet em, every one of em, and get em, too, the hull on em wife, property, and maidservant, specially the maid servant." He quailed. And right there, while he was a quail- in , 1 spoke, and says coldly ; "Now, Elder Judas Wart, you have read off the commandments of God, one by one, and I have preached on em ; now tell me, and tell me plain, which one do you lean on the hardest ?" Says he, "As it were that is, you know " " No ! " says I, with dignity, " I don t know, nor you don t, nuther." Says he, " I that is you you are unreasonable, mum." And he looked curious, and spit fiercely onto the stone hearth and the floor. " I don t mean to be," says I. " I sot out in this talk with principles as hefty as I ever hefted in my life, and if I hain t a good judge of the common heft of principles, nobody ever was. Why," says I, " the rights and wrongs of my sect has for years been held nearer to my heart than any earthly object, exceptin my Josiah. And I can tell you, and tell you plain, 420 ABOUT POLYGAMY. that I have laid awake nights a thinkin over what my sect has endured a settin under that Mormon church. And daytimes I have sot a knittin and thought of the agonies of them female wimmen till there wuzn t a dry eye in my head, and I couldn t tell for my life whether I was a seamin or a knittin plain, or what I was a doin . For of all the sufferin s my sect has suffered from the hands of man, this doctrine of polygamy is the very crown, the crown of thorns. Other wrongs and woes have spilte earth for her time and agin, but this destroys her hope of heaven. When other sorrows and wrongs broke her heart, killed her, she could still look to the time when she could take the hand of Death, the Healer, and he would lead her into Repose, give her the peace earth had denied her. She could think that all her burdens of sorrows and wrongs would drop from her into the grave ; and in that land where all tears are wiped away that land of eternal beauty of sweet consolation for the weary she could find rest. But this last hope of the broken-hearted, your accursed doctrine has destroyed. Your infamous belief teaches that if a woman won t do wrong, won t submit to man s tyrannical will on earth, commit sin for his sake, he won t let her go to heaven ! Good land!" says I, "it makes me sweat to think on t." And I wiped my forward on my apron. Says he : " As it were, you know." "No, I don t know it," says I warmly. "Nor I never shall know it." AN ABOMINABLE DOCTRINE. 421 Says he : " And so forth, and so on." He acted embarassed and skairt, and well he might. Why, the abomination of their doctrine is so abominable, that when it is presented to em in a eloquent, high- toned way by a woman who talks but little, but that little earnest and deep ; when she places it before em in the axent she always handles when talkiii on prin ciple, and with the soarin , deep look of her spectacles she always uses on them occasions why, it is enough to skair anybody to death. But in a moment or so he sort o rousted up, and says he : " If you think so much of female wimmen as you say you do, I should think you would think about what the position of these plural wives would be if polygimy were abolished. What would they be thought of? What would they be ?" Says I, in awful tones : " What be they now ? " " Wall," says he, " if they should be divorced they wouldn t be looked upon as they are now." " No," says I, " that is very true ; they wouldn t, not at all, not by me." Says he : " They would be looked down upon more." Says I, with dignity : " Stoppin smnuV hadn t ort to make anybody thought less on," says I. That hain t accordin to my creed or my skripter." Says he : " If they was divorced their situation would be very painful and humiliatin ." Says I, very dryly : " It is now, in my estimation." 422 TALKS ABOUT CHILDERN. Says he : " Look at the position of the childern of these unions, that would be left fatherless. What a sad scene it would be ; helpless infancy made a mark for contumely and sneers ; babyhood blamed, scorned." Says I : " They wouldn t be scorned, not by anybody whose scorn would be worth havin . Nobody but a fool or a luny is in the habit of blamin folks for doin what they can t help doin , and bein what they can t help bein . Blame the childern! Why, good land ! " says I, " I should jest as soon set out and scold a mornin -glory or a white violet for the looks of the ground they sprung from. God s own purity is writ in the clear eyes of babyhood, and in the blue heart of them mornin -glories. Blossoms of light, mornin - glories, springing God knows how or why, out of the black mould, out of darkness and decay. Who could look scoffin ly or irreverently on em, or on them other blossoms of innocence, springin as mysteriously from as dark a soil, and touched by the hand of God with as pure and divine a beauty." " Unpractical, unpractical female, led away as fe males ever are by sympathies and views of right and wrong. Oh ! thank Heaven ! thank Heaven ! such dangerous qualities are not incorporated into politics. I should tremble for the nation if it were so." And agin he looked fiercely at the stove-hearth. "Unpractical female, what would become of the childern left, as it were, fatherless ? " Says I: "If the parents of the childern are rich AN UNCLE TO BE PROUD OF. 423 enough, let em support em; and the poor ones I know a man who will adopt the hull lot, and be glad of the chance," says I proudly. " It is a uncle of mine, a uncle I am proud to own. Samuel is his name, and nobility and generosity is his nater." Says I: "Let these childern and the wimmen, if necessary, be took care of by the government, and let the evil end with this generation." " But what would the position of these wimmen be in society; what would they be?" "What be they now?" says I agin. And I snapped out that " now " considerable snappish, for I was gettin a good deal wore out with him. Says I : " You seem to think it would be the death-blow to their reputation to stop sinnin , stop livin in wickedness; but there is where you and I differ. I should think as much agin of em." And says I : " If a evil is a goin to stop, it has got to begin to stop sometime, or else it won t never get stopped. More of these unholy unions have taken place durin the past year than ever before in the same length of time. Powerful efforts are bein made to strengthen and extend the power of the system. And it must either be stopped, or else go on widening and spreading, and destroying this beautiful new world as it destroyed so many other strong, proud nations that were glorious in the past." Says I: "Can I set still and see it go on, and can Josiah set still, and other female TALKING TURKEY pardners, and other Josialis, and not long to lift a hand to turn back this flood of woe and desolation?" Here Josiah groaned aloud. He had his thoughts there on that lounge, though he lay middlin still. His thoughts goared him worse than that stitch did, ten times over. And I felt sorry for him, my feelin s for him are such ; and I brought his name in in a friendly way, just because my love for him was so strong, and I forgive him so. Says I: "Elder Judas Wart, I won t take you back to the old Jewish nations, round by Italy, Spain, and other roundabout ways, as I might do, and as some wimmen who are more talkative than I be probable would, and show you all the way the ruins of the nations ruined by this crime of polygimy. But I am a woman who says but little, but that little I mean, and I will merely hold up Turkey before you. And while I am holdin up that Turkey, I will merely mention the fact to you, that you and everybody else knows, and that Turkey knows it well, and if it should speak up and own the truth it would say that it was the effects of this system that made it so weak and impotent. Weaker as a nation than our old turkey-gobbler ; fur weaker than a hen-turkey. (I make use of the gobbler as a poetical metafor, and would wish to be so under stood.) " Will not America and Josiahs heed these warn- in s?" says I, lookin right up at the ceilin , in a rapped way. "Will they not listen to the voice of A VOICE FROM OLD BABYLON. 425 doom that rises from the ruins of other nations, glorious and proud and strong in the past, that has crumbled into ashes from the effects of this sin ? Will they not," I went on in a still more rapped, eloquent way, " will they not bend down their ears and hear the wail of warnin that seems to float along over the dust of the desert from old Babylon herself, warnin to this new, fresh, western world to escape this enervating destroyin sin, and escape her doom ? Will not Amer ica and Josiahs take warnin by the fate of these nations ? or will they go on in careless merriment and feastin , unheedin those terrible words i mean! mean! writ up in the blue vault above, till it is too late ; till the land is given to the enimy ; till weakness, ruin, and decay take the septer from Columbia s tremblin , shakin grasp, and rain over this once strong, lovely land." I sithed, I almost wept I was so fearfully agitated and says I : "If this threat nin doom that threatens our beloved land is to be averted, if this evil is to be stopped, when is there a better time than the present to stop it in, now," says I, wipin my eyes on my apron, "now, while America has got me to help her ? " And agin I sithed, and agin I almost shed tears, and wept. He see my agitation, and took advantage of it. Says he : " You seem to be tender-hearted, Josiah Allen s wife, and to have a great affection for the female sect, and yet you don t seem to think of the hearts that 16 426 THE PATH TO BLESSEDNESS. would be wrung by the agony of seperatlon. Why," says he, "if they should part with their companions, they would be unhappy." Says I, lookin out of the open window, fur away over the tree-tops, over the blue lake beyond and beyond My spectacles seemed to look very fur off. They had a very deep and sort o soarin look to em, some what happy, and somewhat sorrowful and solemn. And says I: " I don t know as there has any law ever been made, in Heaven or on earth, that we had got to be happy. There is a law made that we should do right, should not do evil, but not that we must be happy. Why, some paths we have to foller lead right away from hap piness. And says I, still lookin fur off, in that same sort of a solemn, deep way : " That path always leads to something better, more beautiful, more divine." " What can be better than happiness ? " says he, in a enquirin way. " Blessedness ! " says I. " The two hain t to be com pared no more than a flower growin out of earthly soil is to be compared to one springin up in the valleys of God. One is lit with earth s sun, and the other is shinin with Heaven s own light. One is mortal, the other immortal." Says he, still follerin up his old theme, still tryin to head me off in some way : WRETCHEDNESS OF MORMON WOMEN. 427 " Wouldn t you be sorry for these females, Josiah Allen s wife?" Says I firmly : " If they suffered from the wrenchin away of old ties, I should be sorry for em to that extent that there wouldn t be a sithe left in my breast, nor a dry eye in my head. At the same time, if they made the sacrifice willin ly, from a sense of duty, for the ransom of their people, for the deliverance of the land from peril, my very soul would kneel in reverence to them, and they should be honored by all as those who come out of great tribulations. "But," says I, in a slower, more thoughtful way, " there is different kinds of tribulations. And you can look a,t subjects with the sentimental eye of your specks, and then agin you can turn the other eye onto em. And in lookin through that other eye at em, you might possibly see that the married life of these plural wives is wretched full of jealousies, divisions, and sizms. " Woman s love, when it has room to grow, is a tre mendous thing to spread itself. But (still lookin through that common sense eye of our specks) we would say that the divine plant of love can t grow so thrifty in one-twentieth part of a man s heart as it could in a more expanded and roomy place. We would say (still lookin through that eye) that it was too cramped a spot some like growin a oak in a bot tle. You can make it sprout ; but there can t be so deep roots nor so strong a strength to it, and it 428 SUFFERIN WIFE NUMBER ONE. wouldn t take nigh so much of a pull to wrench it up by the roots. " And so, to foller up the simely, as simelys ort to be follered, we would think that the first wife is the one who would suffer most ; she who thought she was marryin a hull man, who dwelt for awhile in a hull heart, and whose affections, therefore, had naturally took deep root, and spread themselves. We would say (still lookin through that eye of the speck, and still follerin up simelys) that she is the one who would be most wrung with agony." " Wall," says Elder Judas Wart, seemin ly ketchin holt of the first argument that presented itself in front of his mind, for truly he didn t seem to care how crooked his argument was, nor how wobblin . Says he: " Sufferin is a divine agent to draw souls heaven ward." " Yes, heaven-sent sufferin , says I, " will draw our hearts up nearer to the heavenly home it come from. But when sufferin comes up from below, from another place, scented with brimstone, and loaded with iniquity, it will do its best to draw us down to it where it come from." " Pain sometimes teaches divine lessons," says Elder Judas Wart. And I never see a mouth puckered and twisted down into a more hypocritical pucker than hisen was. Says I: "Don t you s pose I know that?" And THE MINISTRY OF SORROW. 429 then I went on awful eloquent, and grew eloquenter and eloquenter all the time for as much as five min utes or more, entirely unbeknown to me, not thinkin who was there, or who I was a talkin to, or where, or when : " Don t I know," says I, "that no soul has reached its full might, no soul has ever really lived, till it has learned to bless God for the divine ministry of sorrow ? Don t I certainly know that of all God s angels the one who brings us divinest gifts is the blessed angel of Pain?" And I went on again, in that fearfully eloquent way of mine, when I get entirely rousted up in eloquence, and know not where I am, or who is hearin of me, or why, or which : " If we bar this angel from our door, resist her gen tle voice pleadin at our heart, woe be to us ; for she can come as a avenger, a destroyer. But if we greet her as indeed a heavenly visitant, believe that God sent her, hold her in our weak arms close to our hearts, she gives us divinest strength. " Though we turn away, and fear her greeting, we find that the touch of her lips on our burning brow leaves calm. She lays on our throbbing, aching hearts soft hands of peace. Her eyes have a sorry look for us, that make our tears flow, and then we see that those sad, sweet eyes are looking up from earth to where our own, tear-blinded, are fain to follow up beyond the vail, into that beautiful city where our treasures and our hopes are. 430 A HEAVENLY MESSENGER. To no other angel has God given the power to so reveal to us the glory and the mystery of life and of death. No other hand but hers has such power to unlock the very doors of hea ven and send down into our hearts hea ven s peace and glory. AN ANGEL OF PEACE. Don t I know this ? don t I know that in the hour of our bitterest sorrow, our deepest affliction, when the BEELZEBUB S OWN TIMBER. 431 one that made our world lies silent before us, deaf for the first time to our tears and our sorrow; when all the world looks black and desolate, and hatred and envy and malice seem to surround us, and our human strength is gone, and human help is vain; don t I know that this divine angel of Pain opens the very doors of Heaven, and lets down a perfect flood of glory into our soul not happiness, but blessedness. " Yes, the crosses this angel brings us from a lovin* Father we will bear in God s name. But," says I, firmly, " other folks must do as they are a mind to ; but I never will, not if I know it, bend my back, and let old Belzebub lay one of his crosses acrost my shoulder-blades. No, I will throw off that cross, and stamp onto it. And this cross of Mormonism is one of hisen, if he ever had one. It is made out of Belze- bub s own timber, nailed together by man s selfishness and brutality and cruelty, the very worst part of his nature. It is one of the very heaviest crosses ever tackled by wimmen, and bore along by em, wet with their blood and sweat and tears. And Samantha will do her best to stamp onto em, every one of em, and break em up into kindlin -wood, and build fires with em to burn up this putryfyin crime of polygimy, root and branch ; make a cleansin blaze of it to try to purify God s sweet air it has defiled." "Oh!" says Elder Judas Wart, with a low deep groan, " oh ! how unpractical females always are. Females are carried away by their sympathies and 432 SHIFTLESSNESS AND INDUSTRY. religious feelings and sense of right and duty, making them a most dangerous element in politics, a very striking and unwholesome contrast to the present admirable system of government, if they were ever incorporated into the body politic ; in short, if they ever vote. Let us look on the subject in a practical light." And I was so beat out by my eloquent emotions (such emotions are beautiful to have by you, but fatiguin to handle, as I handle em, and I can t deny it); and bein also almost completely out of wind, I sot still, and let him go on. And he talked, I should judge, well on to a quarter of a hour about Communism, Socialism, its principles, its rise, and progress ; and I let him go on, and didn t hardly say a word, only I would merely throw in little observations occasionally, such as, when he argued that everybody should own the same amount of prop erty, and there should be no rich and no poor. I merely threw in this question to him : Whether he thought shiftlessness and laziness should have the same reward as industry and frugality ? And when he was a goin on about everybody bein educated the same so one could not be intellectually superior to the other, I simply asked him whether he thought Nature was a Socialist. Says he: "Why?" "Oh!" says I, "I was a thinkin if she was one, she didn t live up to her belief. She didn t equalize brains and thrift and economy." THE HEARTH-STUN. 433 " Wall, as I was a sayin " says he, " as it were, you know " " No," says I, coldly, " I don t know it, nor I never did. I know," says I, lookin keen at him, " that some are born almost fools, and keep on so ; and some," says I, with a sort of modest, becomin look, " some are very smart." He kep perfectly still for a minute, or mebby a minute and a . And he seemed to collect his strength agin, and broke out, in a loud, haughty tone : " The fault of our old civilization is that property is controlled by the few. How can a man have the same love for his home, for his hearth-stone, if he works the land of some great landed proprietor ? In case of war, now, foreign invasion, if each man owned property of his own, if each man was a Mormon, in fact, he would be fighting for his own interest ; not for the interest of some great landed lord. He would be fightin for his own hearth-stone ; the sacred and holy hearth-stone." Says I, in reasonable axents : " I hain t a word to aginst the sacredness of the hearth-stun. I hain t a word to say aginst the stun. But wouldn t it be apt to take off a little of the sacredness of the stun to have thirty or forty wimmen a settin on it ; each claimin it as her own stun ? Wouldn t it have to be a pretty large stun, and a pretty firm one, to stand the gusts and whirl winds of temper that would be raised round it ? And to tell the plain truth, Elder Judas Wart, don t you believe that every man that owned such a stun, and 30 16* 434 NO ACQUAINTANCE WITH THALOS. or 40 wimmen a settin on it, and childern accordin ly, don t you believe that such a man instead of discour- agin war would do all in his power to welcome and encourage it, so he could go forth into the battle-field, and find a little peace and repose ; that is, if he was a gentle, amiable man, who loved quiet?" He never said one word in answer to this deep argu ment, he see it was too deep and sound for him to grapple with ; but he kep right on, and says, thinkin mebby it would skair me, says he: "Our order was founded by Thalos of Chalcedon." " Wall," says I, " Mr. Thalos is a man that I hain t no acquaintance with, I, nor Josiah ; so I can t form any opinion what sort of a character he has got, or what for a man he would be to neighbor with." Says he, in a still prouder and haughtier way: " Plato believed in it." " How do you know ? " says I. " He never told me that he did. If he had, I should have argued sound with him." And says I, lookin keen and searchin at him: " Did he tell you that he believed in it ? " says I. " You can hear most anything." "Why, no," says he, " he didn t tell me. He died twenty-two hundred years ago." " Wall," says I, coolly, " I thought you got it by hearsay. 1 didn t believe you got it from the old gentleman himself, or from any of his relations. I remember Mr. Plato myself, now. I have heard MR. PLATO. 435 Thomas J. read about him frequent. A sort of a schoolmaster, I believe a man that travelled a good deal and had considerable of a noble mean. If I remember right, I have seen him myself on a bust. But as I was a savin , s posen Mr. Plato did believe in it. Don t you s pose that old gentleman had his faults ? He was a nice old man, and very smart. His writings are truly beautiful and inspirin . " Why some of his dialogues are almost as keen and sensible and flowery as them that have taken place between a certain woman that I won t mention the name of, and her pardner Josiah. Why, jest the fact that he got sold once for talkin so plain in the cause of Right, endeared him to me. And the fact that he didn t fetch only twenty minnys (and we all know what small fish they be) didn t make him seem any the less valuable to me. No, not at all so ; it wouldn t, if he hadn t fetched more than one little chub. " Them views of his en, them witherin idees aginst tyrany that he was preachin to a tyrent, whales couldn t lug, nor sharks. They was too big and hefty to be bought or sold. But because Mr. Plato was all right in some things, we mustn t think he was in all. We are apt to think so, and we are apt to think that that because a gulf of a thousand or two years lay between us and a certain person, that it seperates them from all our mortal errors and simplicities. " But it hain t so. That old man had other human weaknesses besides writin poetry. I persume Miss 436 AN ANCIENT FAMILY. Plato had to deal real severe with him lots of times, jest as I do with Josiah. I dare persume to say she had hard work to get along with him more n half the time. And if he believed in Mor- i monism, he believed in sunthin wicked and abominable, and if I had been on intimate terms with him and her, I should have talked to him like a sister, right before her, so she would feel all right about it, and not get oneasy and jealous. I should have talked powerful to him, and if he is the man I take him to be, I could have convinced him in ten minutes, I know I could." AWFUL DIGNITY. 437 "Wall," says he, u bring-in the history of our church down to Christ s day : He was a believer in it." I riz right up in a awful dignity and power, and 1 says, in a tone that was fearful to hear, it was so burn in indignant : " You say that agin in my house, if you dare." He das sent, my tone was such. He never said a word, but sot kinder scroochin and meachin on his chair, and I went on, resumin my seat agin, knowin as I did that my principles was so hefty I had better save myself all the extra weariness that I could. Says I: "You dare to say that He, the Deliverer of His people from sin and evil He, the Teacher of all purity, morality, honesty, and all Christian virtues, who came bringin peace on earth, good will to men He, who taught that a man should have one wife, and be tender and constant to her, even as He loved the Church and gave Himself for it He, whose life was so pure and self-denyin and holy that it brought the divine down to the comprehension of the human the love and purity of God manifest in the flesh how dare you tell me that He was a Mormon ? " He dassent say it agin. He dast as well die as to say it. I s pose, in fact I know, from my feelin s which I was a feelin , that my mean was awfuler and more majesticker than it had been for years and years. Says he, "As it were " and then he stopped short off, sccmin ly to collect his thoughts together, and then 438 THE DAVID. he kinder coughed, and begun agin "And so forth, and so on," says he. He acted fairly afraid. And 1 don t wonder at it a mite. My looks must have been awful, and witherin in the extreme. But finally he says, " We read of this sect in the Bible, anyway. The Essenes was Mormons, or sort o Mormony," says he, glancin at me and then at the teakettle, in a sort of a fearful way. But says I, coldly, " We read in the Bible of droves of swine that was full of evil spirits ; and we read in it of lunaticks, and barren fig-trees, and Judas, and the the .David callin him David, as a Methodist and member of the meetin -house, who does not want to say Satan if she can possibly help it. "Now," says I, "you have brought up every com mandment of God, and I have preached on em, and you find every one of em is aginst you the old law, and the divine new law made manifest in Christ. Now," says I, coolly, leanin back in my chair, full of martyrdom and eloquence and victory and everything, "bring on your next argument, bring it right here, and let me lay holt of it, and vanquish it, and overthrow it." "Wall," says he, "I hold that the perfect faith that thousands have in our religion and its founder, is one of the very strongest proofs of its divine origin." " I don t think so," says I. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, but things don t always turn out to be what you hoped they was. Now, there is hash, CONFIDENCE AND COMPLEXION. 439 for instance: and in order to enjoy hash, you have got to have perfect confidence in it and its maker. But still you may have that perfect confidence in it, and eat it in faith, belie v in it is good beef and pork, while at the same time there may be ingredients in it that you know not of, such as Skotch snuff, lily white, hair pins, and etcetery. Hash is a great mystery, and often deceivin to the partaker, no matter how strong his faith in it may be. "And I might f oiler up this strikin simely of hash into other eloquent metafors, such as pills, preachin , wimmen s complexion, and etcetery. Some is good and true, and some hain t good and true, but they all find somebody to believe in em. "This is a very deep subject, and solemn, if handled solemnly. I have handled it only in a light parable way, showin that them that do honestly believe in this Mormon doctrine, if there are any, are part-akin (un beknown to them) of a hash that is full of abomina tion and uncleanness, full of humiliation, sorrow, and degradation. Oh ! " says I, fallin back on the side of the subject nearest to my heart, " when I think of the woes of my sect there in Utah, I feel feelin s that never can be told or sung. No, there never could be a tune made mournful and solemn enough to sing em in." Says he, bold as brass, and not thinkin how he was a wobblin round in his argument, "They enjoy it." Says I, firm as Bunker Hill, and as lofty, " They don t enjoy it." 440 WHAT THEY ENJOY. Says he, " They do." Says I, " Elder Judas Wart, you tell me that agin, and I ll know the reason why." " Why," says he, " they have petitioned Congress to not meddle with the laws." Says I, " Can you tell me, Elder Judas Wart, can you tell me honestly that there wasn t man s influence lookin right out of that petition ? " " No, mum, there wuzn t. They done it of their own wills and acords." Says I, firmly, " I don t believe it. And if I did, it would only show to me the blightin , corrupting influ ence of your belief." " Why," says he, " some of our wimmen are the most active in our church full of religious zeal." Says 1, coolly, "All kinds of zeal hain t religious zeal." Says I, " The kind that makes a mother throw her child into the Ganges, and burn herself with the dead body of her husband you can call it religious zeal, if you want to, but I call it fanatical frenzy.-^ Says he, " They are perfectly happy in their belief." Says I, " You needn t never say that agin to me, thinkin I will believe it, for before Mormonism was ever made, human nature was made, wimmen s hearts was made. And when you show me a man who would enjoy havin his right hand cut off, or his eyes plucked out of his head, then I will show you a woman, a womanly woman, who enjoys sharin the love of the man she worships enjoys seein it passin away from RELIGIOUS ZEAL. 441 her, given to another. Why, it is aginst nater, as niucli as it is for the sun to shine at midnight. Blackness and de spair and gloom is what rains when the sun of love is gone down it s nater, and can t be help ed, no more than the sun can, or the moon , or anything. No woman ever en joyed this wretched doctrine that is, no THE HINDOO MOTHER. 442 JOSIAH FALLS DOWN SULLER. good woman, no pure, tender-hearted, affectionate woman." " Why," says he, " I s posed you thought all wimmen was perfect." "No, I don t, sir, no sir. A woman can lose all that is sweet and lovely in her nature all the traits that make her so attractive, her tenderness, her affec tion, her constancy, her modesty, her purity. She can get very low down in the scale of being, lower, I think, than a man can get. You know the further up any one is, the worse it hurts em to fall. "Now the angels that fell down from heaven, I s pose it changed em, and disfigured em, and spilte em as bad agin as it would to fall down suller. Josiah fell a week ago last Wednesday night, with a hammer in one hand, and a box of nails in the other. He was fixin up a cupboard for me in the sullerway. He fell flat down and lay his hull length on the suller bottom. Skairt me awfully. Skairt him, too, and sort o madded him, as it always will a man when they fall. I was gettin the supper onto the table, and I started on the run for the suller door, and says I, in agitated axents, and weak as a cat with my emotions : " Did it hurt you, Josiah ? " Says he, sort o surly, " It didn t do me any good." But he got up, and was all right the next day. I have used this poetical simely, of its hurtin anybody worse to fall down from such a lofty height than to fall down the sullerway, to show my meanin that a A SDIELY. 443 pure woman s nature is naturally very pure and lofty, and if she loses it she falls very low indeed. u Lose it she can all that makes her sweet and lovely and lovable ; but while she keeps her woman s heart and na ture, her life, in your religion, must be a con stant martyrdom, and must be in its nature de- moralizin and debasin , dealin the morals fear ful and totterin blows. A FALLEN ANGEL. , don t you s pose I can take it to myself ? Now, Home is the most heavenly word we know. We 444 IF SHE KNOWS HERSELF. hain t learnt the heavenly alphabet yet, none of us, and so can t spell out the word Heaven as it ort to be spelt. We are children that hain t learnt God s lan guage yet. But Home in its true meanin is sunthin as near heaven as we can translate and spell out below. Home, when it is built as any home must be in order to stand, on a true love, and in the fear of God, such a home is almost a heaven below. I know it, for a cer tain home was built on these very foundations upwards of 20 years ago, and not a j int has moved, not a sleeper decayed. Such a home means delight, rest, comfort. I know it, and my Josiah knows it. " But let Josiah Allen bring home one more wife, let alone a dozen or fifteen of em let him bring home one small wife besides Samantha, and I should find that home meant sunthin very different from peace and rest and happiness. And Josiah Allen would find out that it did, too. He would, if I know my own heart, and am not deceived in myself. And when I think of it, think of what my own sect are a sufferin right here in our own land, it makes my blood bile up in my vains, and the tears jest start to every eye in my head, and if I had two dozen eyes I could cry and weep witli every one of em, a thinkin how I should feel under them circumstances a thinkin of the desecration of all that is holiest, and purest, and most blessed. Thinkin of the agony of remembrance, and regret, and despair that would sweep over me remembrance of the old, happy days when I was blest with the love that , RUINED MORALS. 445 had gone from me regret for all the happy days, happy words of love and tenderness, happy hours of confidence and affection mine once, gone forever. Despair, utter, black despair that all was past. "And besides this sufferin , think of the ravages it would make in my morals, as well as his en. I know jest how much my morals can stand, I know to a inch jest how much strain I can put onto em. And I know, jest as well as I know my name was once Smith, that another wife would make em totter. And, to be per fectly plain and truthful, I know that wife would make em fall perfectly flat down, and break em all into pieces, and ruin em. I shouldn t have a single moral left sound and hull, and I know it. I should be ugly." Says I, with a added eloquence and bitterness of tone, as my mind roved back onto a certain widder : " To have another woman come a snoopin into my house and my pardner s heart why, language hain t made mean enough to tell what my meanness would be under the circumstances. And her morals, too why, don t you s pose her morals would be flat as a pancake ? Yea, verily. And where would my Josi- ah s morals be ? He wouldn t have none, not a moral, nor a vestige of any. And there would be three likely persons spilte, entirely, and eternally spilte. And do you s pose we three persons are so different from any other three persons ? No, human nature (man human nature, and woman human nature) is considerable the same all over the world." 446 THE WHOLE CIRCUS. And agin as that fearful scene presented itself to my imagination, of another woman enterin into my Josiah s heart, I sithed powerful, and went on with renewed eloquence. I was fearfully eloquent, and smart as I could be ; deep. Says I, " One man s heart hain t of much account, viewed in a permiscus way, but to the woman that loves him it s a good deal, it is all. Wimmen are fool ish about some things, and this is one of em. Her love is to her the very breath she breathes it is the best part of her. Men don t feel this way as a general thing (my Josiah duz, but he is a shinin exception). But as a general thing love is to them a sort of a side show, a tolerable good entertainment, but it hain t the hull circus. "No, a man s heart hain t none too large for one woman to dwell in, especially if she is hefty, not at all too large, quite the reverse. And I can tell you, Elder Judas Wart, and tell it firm and solemn, that when it comes to dividin up that heart that was a tight fit in the first place, and lettin one woman after another come a troopin in, a pushin the lawful owner out of the way, jammin her round, bruisin of her, and in the end crowdin her completely out in the cold, I say, may God pity such a woman, for human pity can t be made pitiful enough to reach her." Says Elder Judas Wart, " Men that hain t Mormons sometimes has more than one woman inside of their hearts." THEY NEED BRINE. 447 " I know it," says I. " But the law gets right onto such a man and stamps onto him. And public senti ment sets down on him hard. And I can tell you that when the hull community and law and religion and everything are all a settin on a man, and settin heavy, that man finds it is a pretty tuckerin business ; he gets sick of it, and is glad to do better and be let up. But you make the iniquity lawful. You make law and religion and public sentiment all get under such a man, and boost him up make out that the more crimes a man commits, the more wives he has, the higher place he will have in heaven. Why," says I, " when I think it over, it hain t no wonder to me that the Mormon leaders, before they let loose this shameful doctrine and putrifyin sin of polygamy, they settled down by a salt lake. I should have thought they would have needed salt. But salt never was made salt enough to save em, and they ll find out so." He quailed a very little, or, that is, it looked like quail, though it might have been meachin ness strong and severe. Powerful meach looks some like quail, at a first look. But he recovered himself in half a moment, and went on, in the haughtiest, impudentest tone he had used as yet : "Wall, whether salt has helped us, or whatever did, we have flourished nobody can deny that. We have made the desert blossom like a rose. We are indus trious, stiddy, prudent, equinomical, hard-working. 448 A FLOUIUSHIN SET. You can t deny the good we have done in that way. We are full of good qualities, brim full of em." Says I, coldly, almost frigidly, " No amount of white wash can cover up a whited sepulker so that my specks can t see through it, and see the sepulker. Good store clothes can t cover up a bad soul worth a cent. A blue satin vest, or even a pink velvet one, buttoned up over a bad heart, can t make that heart none the purer. The vest might look well, and probable would. But when you know the bad heart beats under it, vile and wicked beats, why, that vest don t seem no better to you, nor seem to set the man off no more, than if it was calico, with leather buttons. Material good can never make up for moral degradation. "And your good qualities only make your sinful practices more dangerous, more successful in luring souls to destruction. It is like wreathin a sword with flowers, for folks to grip holt of and get their hands cut off (morally). It is like coverin a bottomless gulf with blossoming boughs, for folks to walk off on, and break their necks (as it were)." " Wall," says he proudly, " we have flourished, and are flourishin and are goin to still more. We are goin to extend our doctrine of polygamy further and further. We are goin to carry it into Arizona and all the other new territories " I riz right up, I was so agitated, and says I : " You shan t carry it, not one step." Says he, firmly : " We will ! " NO FURTHER. 449 Says I : " I tell you agin that you shan t ; and if you do I ll know the reason why. I tell you that you shall drop it right there, by that salt lake, and let it lay there. It needs brine if anything ever did. You shan t make no move to carry it a step further. You shall not carry this godless crime, a disgrace to reli gion and civilization, into new territories. The green turf of them lands is too fresh and bright to be blood stained by the feet of weepin wimmen, bearin this heaviest of crosses that was ever tackled by em. You shall not darken the sunny skies and pollute the sweet air of new lands with this moral pestilence." Says he: "We will!" Says I, firmly and sternly : " You won t ; and when I say you won t, I mean it." "Wall," says he, with a proud mean, "how are you goin to help yourself ? " Says I, in loud, excited axents : " If I can t stop you myself, I know who can, and I will go to Uncle Sam myself. I ll have a plain talk with that good old man. I ll jest put it into his head what you are a tryin to do, and I ll hunch him up, and make him stop you." Says he : " Don t you s pose sin and sorrow will ever be carried into the territories only as they are carried in by Mormons ? " "Yes, I do," says I. "I s pose that whenever humanity is sot down under the light of the Eternal, it will forevermore, as it has forever in the past, be followed by two shadows, the joyful and the sorrowful. 17 450 LIGHT AND DARKNESS. Human nature can t help itself ; the Eternal Soul above will shine on, and the human nature below will throw its shadows the dark one and the light one, first one and then the other, unbeknown to us, followin us all the time, and will follow us till the darkness of the human is all lost in the light of the divine. There hain t no territories been discovered dis tant enough for the human soul to es cape from itself from the shadow of sorrow. I hain t said there wuz. Neither have I said it could escape from sin. I s pose the old man in human nature won t never be wholly drove out of it this side of Eternity; and I s pose wherever that THE OLD MAN. ld 1Bai1 ls tliei>e w111 A LITTLE OUT OF HEALTH. 451 be caperin and cuttin up and actin . But, as I have said niore n forty times, you ort to whip that old man, make him behave himself as well as you possibly can, be awful severe with him, and keep him under. But you don t try to. You jest pet that old man, and humor him, and encourage him in his caperin s. You try to make sin and cuttin up and actin respectable ; protect it by the law. " Why, sin is what all good men and wimmen must fight aginst ; educate public sentiment aginst it ; make it obnoxious ; or what will become of everybody and the world if they don t ? Why, they will be ondone, they and the hull world, if they don t. I will," says I firmly, " I will see Uncle Sam about it at once." "Oh," says he, in a impudent, pert tone, "Uncle Sam won t do nothin to hinder us. He has always protected us. He has done well by us. He has let us do about as we was a mind to." "I know it," says I, "but I ll tell you," says 1, on- tyin my apron-strings in a absent-minded sort of a mechanicle way, and then tyin em up agin in the same way (or about the same) , " I ll tell you what," says I, for I was fairly determined to find some excuse for Samuel, if I possibly could, " the fact is, that old man hain t been well for quite a number of years. He has seemed to be sort o runnin down ; his constitu tion hain t seemed right to me. And he has had mis erable doctors ; or that is, he has got help in some directions, good help, and in others he has had the 452 WAR IN THE CAMP. poorest kind of physic. But," says I, firmly, "that old man means well; there hain t a well-meanin er, conscientiouser old creeter on the face of the earth than that old man is." "Yes," says he, "he has done well by us. We hain t no fault to find with him." Oh ! how that madded me. But I was determined to find all the excuses for Samuel that I could (though I was at my wit s end, or pretty nigh there, to find em, and I can t deny it). Says I, " That old man has been more than half crazy for a number of years back. What with fightin and blood shed right in his own family, amongst his own chil- dern and the injins screechin and warhoopin round his frontiers, and the Chinamen a cuttin up behind his back, and his neighbors a fightin amongst them selves, and jabbin at him every chance they got ; and congressmen and everybody a stealin everything they could, right under his nose, and cuttin up and actin*. It is a wonder to me that the old man hain t gin up long ago, and died off. I guess lots of folks thought, a number of years ago, that he wouldn t live a year. And it wasn t nothin but his goodness and solid principles that kep him up, and everybody knows it. He s had enough to bear to kill a ox." " We ort to speak well of him," says he agin. " He has done first-rate by us. He has seemed to like us." " Shet up ! " says I. "1 won t hear another word from you aginst that old man. Tour doin s has wor- OUR DISTRACTED UNCLE. 453 ried Samuel almost to death I know it has. I wouldn t be afraid to bet (if I believed in bettin ) that it has wore on him more than all the work he has done for years. " He wants to do right, that old Uncle does. He would be jest as glad to et rid of all of you, 454 WHAT SAMUEL NEEDS. Mormons, Oneida Communities, Free Lovers, and the hull caboodle of you, as our old mare would be glad to get rid of flies in fly-time. But the thing of it is, with Samuel and the mare, how to go to work to do it. He can t see to everything without help. I know what he needs. He needs a good, strong friend to help him. He wants to have somebody tell him the plain truth, to get his dander completely up ; and then he wants to have that same female stand right by him, with a cast- iron determination, and hand him bullets and car tridges, while he aims his old revolutionary musket, and shoots down iniquities on every side of him. " Why, where would Josiah Allen be, if it wuzn t for me ? He would come to nothin , morals and all, if it wuzn t for me to hunch him up. And Samuel has as much agin to worry him as Josiah has. " Why, there is no tellin how many things that old man has to plague him and torment the very life out of him. Little things, too, some of em, but how uncommon little things will worry anybody, specially in the night. Curious things, too, some of em, that has worried me most to death way off here in Jones- ville, and what feelin s I should have felt to have had it a goin on right under my nose, as Samuel did. " Now, when they made that new silver dollar, right there in his house I s pose they done it, or in his wood shed or barn anyway, it was right where he could see it a goin on, and worry over it you know they put onto it, In God we trust. And it has fairly hanted me THE CALL TO DUTY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN ? 457 to find out what the government really meant by it whether they meant that God wouldn t let em get found out in their cheatin seven cents on every dollar, or trusted He would let em cheat fourteen cents on the next ones they made. " Why, it has worried me awfully, and how Samuel must have felt about it. And that is only one little thing. " There is the trade dollars we made on purpose to HELPS FOR THE HEATHEN. cheat China with, and sent over in the same ship we sent missionaries to convert em. I persume to say that old man has laid awake nights a worryin over what the heathens would think about it about our sendin religion and robbery over to em in the same ship about our sendin religious tracts, exhortin em to be honest, or they would certainly go to that bad place which I do not, as a Methodist, wish to speak of, and send these dollars to cheat em with in the same box 458 NEEDS HUNCHING UP. sendin eloquent and heartrendin tracts provin out to em that no drunkard can possibly go to Heaven, packed side by side with barrels of whiskey to teach em how to get drunk, so they will be sure not to go there. I know it has wore on him, so afraid that the heathens would be perfectly disgusted with a religion taught by professed followers of Him who come down to earth bearing peace, good-will to men, and then, after 1800 years of professed loyalty to Him, and His pure and exalted teachings, bore to their shores such fruit as cheating, falsehood, and drunkenness. " It has hanted Samuel, I know it has. Hantin me as it has, it must have hanted him fur worse. He has had severe trials, that old gentleman has, and he has needed somebody to hunch him up, and lock arms with him, and draw him along on the path of Right. And I tell you when I talk with him I shan t spare no pains with him. I shall use my eloquent tone freely. -I shan t be savin of gestures or wind. I shall use sharp reason, and, if necessary, irony and sarcasm. And I shall ask him (usin a ironicle tone, if necessary) how he thinks it looks in the eyes of the other nations to see him, who ort to be a model for em all to foller, allow such iniquity as Mormonism to flourish in his borders. To let a regular organized band of banditty murder and plunder and commit all sorts of abomina tions right under his honest old nose. And how it must look to them foreign nations to see such a good, moral old gentleman as he is lift his venerable old eye- SELLING LICENSES. 459 winker and wink at such crime and sin. How insig nificant and humiliatin it must look to em to see him allow a man in Congress to make laws that will imprison a man for havin two wives when the same man has got four of em, and is lookin round hungry for more. "And I shall hunch him up sharp about sellin licenses to do wrong for money licenses to make drunkards, and unfit men for earth or heaven licenses to commit other crimes that are worse sellin indul gences to sin as truly as ever Mr. Pope did. " I don t s pose, in fact, I know, that Sam hain t never thought it over, and took a solemn, realizin sense of how bad he was a cuttin up (entirely unbe known to him). And, if necessary, to convince him and make him see his situation, I shall poke fun at him (in a jokin way, so s not to get him mad). And I shall ask him if he thinks it is any nobler for him to set up in his high chair at Washington and sell indul gences to sin, than it was in Mr. Pope to set up in his high chair in Vatican village and sell em. " And I shall skare him mebby, that is, if I have to, and ask him in a impressive, skareful tone that if he can t be broke in any other way, if he don t think he ort to be brought down to a diet of Worms. " It will go aginst my feelin s to skare the excellent old gentleman. But I shall feel it to be my duty to not spare no pains. But at the same time I shall be very clever to him. I shall resk it. I don t believe 17* 460 THE MIGHTIEST POWER. he will get mad at me. He knows my feelin s for him too well. He knows there hain t a old man on the face of the earth I love so devotedly, now father Smith is dead, and father Allen, and all the other old male relatives on my side, and on his en. I ll bet a cent I can convince him where he is in the wrong on t." Here I paused for a moment for wind, for truly I was almost completely exhausted. But I was so full and runnin over with emotions that I couldn t stop, wind or no wind. And I went on : "He hain t realized, and he won t, till I go right there and hunch him up about it, how it looks for him to talk eloquent about the sanctity of home. How the household, the Christian home, is the safeguard, the anchor of church and state, and then make his words seem emptier and hollower than a drum, or a hogsit, by allowin this sin of Mormonism to undermind and beat down the walls of home." And then (this theme always did make me talk beautiful), as I thought of home and Josiah, and the fearful dangers that had threatened em both, why, as I thought of this, I begun to feel eloquenter far than I had felt durin the hull interview, and I don t know as the feelin s I felt then had been gone ahead of by me in five years. Why, I branched out perfectly beautiful, and very deep, and says I : " Home ! The Christian home ! The mightiest power on earth for good. Each home seperate and perfect in itself, like the little crystal drops of water, THE STRONGEST OF ROPES. 461 each one on em round and complete and all floatin on together, unbeknown to them, makin a mighty ocian floatin right into that serene bay into which all our hopes and life dreams empty. That soundless sea that floats human souls right up to the eternal city. " The love of parents, wives, and childern, like golden rings, bindin the hearts to the happy hearth stone, and then widenin out in other golden rings, bindin them hearth-stones to loyalty and patriotism, love of country, love of law and order, and love of Heaven, why, them gold rings within rings, they all make a chain that can t be broke down ; they twist all together into a rope that binds this crazy old world to the throne of God. "And," says I, lookin at Elder Judas Wart, with a arrow in each eye (as it were): "This most wholesome restraint, this strongest of ropes that is stretched firm and solid between safety and old Error, you are tryin to break down. But you ll find you can t do it. No sir! You may all get onto it, the whole caboodle of you, Mormons, Oneida Communities, Free Lovers, the hull set on you, and you ll find it is a rope you can t break! You ll find that the most you can do is to teter and swing on it, and stretch it out a little ways, mebby. You can t break it ! No sir ! Uncle Samuel (after I have hunched him up) will hold one end of it firm and strong, and Principle and Public Sentimeiiifc the other end of it; and if necessary, if danger is at hand, she that was Samantha Smith will lay holt of it, 462 TOO LATE. too ; and I d love to see any shacks, or set of shacks, a gettin it out of our hands then." Oh, how eloquent I had been. But he wuzn t con vinced. I don t s pose anybody would hardly believe that a man could listen to such talk, and not be prose lyted and converted. But he wuzn t. After all my outlay and expenditure of eloquence and wind and everything, he wuzn t convinced a mite. And after he had got his hat all on to go, he jest stood there in front of me, with his hands in his pockets, and says he, bold as brass, and as impudent as brass ever was : "I am a goin , mum, and I don t never expect to see you agin. I never shall see you in the kingdom." " I am afraid you won t," says I, givin him a awful keen look, but pity in . " I am afraid if you don t turn right square round, and stop actin , you won t be there." "I shall be there," says he, "but you won t." Says I, "How do you know I won t?" Says he, "Because I do know it." Says I, with dignity, "You don t know it." " Why," says he, comin out plain with his biggest and heftiest argument, the main pillow in the Mormon church, " a woman can t be saved unless some man saves em, some Mormon. That is one reason," says he, "why I would have bore my cross, and married you; obtained an entrance for you in the heavenly kingdom. But now it is too late. I won t save you." "You won t save me ? " says I, lookin keen at him, JOSIAH ENDS THE ARGUMENT VENGEANCE. 465 as he stood there before me, with his red bloated face, a face that had that low, disipated, animal expression lookin out so plain under the sanctimonious, hypocrit ical look he had tried to cover it with. " You won t save me ! Won t take me into the heavenly kingdom ! Wall, I rather think you won t." I was so engaged and bound up in my indignant emotions and principles and everything that I didn t see what was goin on behind me. But there w r as a fearful scene ensuin and goin on there. A awful scene of vengeance and just retribution. For my faithful pardner, maddened by the terrible insult to his Samantha, jest lifted himself up on one elbo, his righteous anger liftin him up for tho moment above stitches and all other earthly infirmities, and he threw that broom-handle at Elder Judas Wart with terrific force, and aimed it so perfect that it hit him right on the nap of the neck. It was a fearful blow. I s pose it come jest as near breakin his neck as anything ever did and miss. And it skairt him fearfully, too ; for Josiah had been so still for a spell that he thought he was. asleep. And it had come onto him as swift and severe as a judg ment right out of the heavens. (Not that I would wish to be understood that broom-handles are judg ments, and should be handled as such ; not as a general thing. I am speakin in a poetical way, and would wish to be took poetically.) But oh ! how fearful Elder Judas Wart looked. It 466 WILD TALK. squshcd him right down for a minute where he ort to be squshed right onto his knees. He couldn t get up for a number of minutes, bein stunted and wild with the blow and the fearful borrow of his skarc. And oh ! how Josiah Allen did converse with him, as he knelt there helpless before him ; hollered ! it wasn t conversation, it was hollerin ; loud, wild holler! almost a beller ! He ordered him out of the house, and threatened him with instant and immediate execution on the gal luses. Though he knew we hadn t no gallus built, and no timber suitable to build one ; and he disabled with a stitch, and nobody but me to do anything. But he vowed, in that loud, skareful axent, that he would hang him in five minutes time ; and chop his head off with a broad-axe ; and gulotine him ; and saw his neck off with our old cross-cut saw ; and shoot him down like a dog ; and burn him to the stake ; and scalp him. Why, Josiah ort to have known that one of these punishments was enough for any man to bear, and more than any man could stand up under. And he knew we hadn t the conveniences by us for half of these punishments. But he didn t think of that. He didn t think of nothin , nor nobody, only jest anger and vengeance. He was more delerious and wild in his conversation and mean than I had ever known him to be during our entire aquaintenship. It was a fear ful scene. It was harrowin to me to see it go on. And Elder Judas Wart, as quick as he could get up, NOT TO BLAME. 467 started off on a quick run, almost a canter. I s pose, I have heerd sense, and then I could see from his looks and actions, that a skairter man never lived. And well he might be. I don t blame him for it a mite. 8*- W DEPARTURE OF THE ELDER. I blame him for lots of things, but not for that ; for the words and mean of Josiah was enough to apaul a iron man, or a mule. But as I told Josiah afterwards, after the crazy delerium begun to disperse off of his mean, says I, 468 A SHAMEFUL FACT. " Why is it any more of a insult to me than it is to them other poor wiminen who have to endure it?" Says I, " You feel awfully to have that doctrine jest throwed at your pardner, as you may say. And look at the thousands of wimmcn that have to submit to the humiliation and degredation of this belief, live in it, and die in it." " Wall," says he, chucklin , " I jest choked old Wart off of it pretty sudden. I brought him down onto his knees pretty suple. He won t talk about savin wim- men s souls agin right away. He won t till his neck gets well, anyway." And he chuckled agin. I don t believe in fightin , and am the last woman to encourage it; but I could not help sayin , in fervid axents : " Oh ! if Uncle Samuel, that dear, blunderin , noble old man, would only hit old Polygamy jest another such a blow, jest as sudden and unexpected, and bring him down on his polluted old knees in front of the nation. Oh ! what a day that would be for America and Samantha. What feelin s we should feel, both on us." " Yes," says Josiah, "I wish it could be did." In the case of Josiah Allen my powerful talk (aided by previous and more late occurrences) had fell on good ground, I knew. The seed was springin up strong. I knew it was by the way he threw that broom-handle, and I knew also by his looks and axents. He was perfectly and entirely convinced of the LOOKIN GOOD AND NOBLE. 469 awf ulness and vile horrors of Mormonism. I knew he was. He looked so good and sort o noble at me. And his tone was so sweet and kind of affectin , some how, as he added, in gentle and plaintive axents: " I believe, Samantha, I could relish a little briled steak and some mashed-up potatoes." Says I, " So could I, and I will get dinner to once." And I djd. A CRISIS WITH KELLUP. r M HE very next day after I gin the Elder such a -L talkin to, Cassandra and Nathan Spoon er come to our house a visitin, or that is, Nathan brought Cas sandra up as far as there for a drive, in the mornin , and I made em come in and stay to dinner, Cassan dra not bein very strong. They have got a young babe, a boy, five weeks old that very day. Wall, while they was there, while I was a gettin dinner, I had a letter from Kitty. Kitty had gone home two weeks before, unexpected. A letter bein had by her from her mother, to that effect. I never shall forget the day Kitty went. Never. Josiah had hitched up to take her to say good bye to the children, and they hadn t been gone more n several moments, when Kellup Cobb come. He had heerd the news of her goin home, and he looked anxious and careworn. And his hair and whiskers and eyebrows bein a sort of a dark mournful color that day, made him look worse. He had been foolin with logwood and alum, and a lot of such stuff. (470) WHAT AILED KELLUP. 471 He said, " he was fairly beat out a lay in awake the night before." " What ails you ? " says I. " What is the matter ? " " Wimmen is what ails me ! " says he with a bitter look. " Wimmen is what is the matter ! Why," says he, " wimmen make such fools of themselves about me, that it is a wonder that I get any sleep at all ; I shouldn t," says he firmly, " I know I shouldn t, if I didn t get so sleepy and sort o drowse off." "Well," says I reasonably, "I don t s pose we should any of us get much sleep, if it wasn t for that." Says he, speakin out firm and decided, " I want to do right. I want to do the fair thing by wimmen. But there it is. How can I ? Now here is Kitty Smith goin off droopin and low-sperited, I s pose, jest on my account. And situated as I be, how be I goin to help myself, or chirk her up before she goes ? " I think my eyes of that girl. And 1 jest about made up my mind, last night, in the dead of night (for I don t believe I slept a wink before ten o clock), I jest about made up my mind that marry her I would, and let the rest of the wimmen live or die, jist as they was a mind to. " Why, I think so much of that girl, that it jest about kills me to think of her goin off home, as them without hope. But what can I do? 1 dassent say right out that I will marry her, till 1 look round and see what would foller. I want to see the doctor ! I want to see what he thinks, if he thinks the effects of such 472 DOIN THE FAIR THING. a terrible blow onto the fair sect would be worse at this time of the year. It is a sickly time. Mebby they would stand it better some other time of the year. u But," says he, " this I think I may safely promise you ; this, I think, will chirk her up a good deal : I will write to her. I will kinder watch things, and enquire round, and see what I can do see how they would seem likely to stand it, and if I see it haint likely to kill ten or fifteen, I will try to get round and marry her. You tell her so from me. And tell her I will write to her, anyway. My very heart-strings seemed wrapped round that girl," says he, sithin hard, " and how I am a goin to stand it is more than I can tell, to think of her bein way off there alone, a suf- ferin and droopin round, on my account. " But this letter will probable be the greatest comfort she can have next to havin me myself. You will be apt to write to her ? " says he anxiously. " Yes," says I, " most probable I shall." " Wall," says he, " I will put in a letter with you when you write. It haint the postage that is the stick with me, it haint the 3 cents I mind. But if I can t, after all my efforts, see my way clear to marry her, it would seem more cruel and cold-blooded in me, to have gin her the encouragement of sendin her a letter by myself, all stamped and paid for by me, than it would to send it in with somebody else." Says he, " Don t you think so ? " MISS BAMBERS ES DRESS. 473 " Says I, in a sort of a blind way, " I think of a great many things that it wouldn t do to tell of." " Yes," says he, "you probable pity me, and realize the situation I am placed in, more than you feel free to tell. You probable think that sympathy would break me down make me feel worse." " Yes," says I firmly, " I don t feel free to tell my opinion of you. It would be apt to make you feel worse." " You are a woman of principle, Josiah Allen s wife, and a woman of strong sense. You realize my sit uation you feel for the condition of my heart." " Yes, and your head too," says I ; " I realize jist what has ailed you, ever sense you was born. But, 55 says I, wantin to turn the subject, for I was sick of it, sick as a dog. Says I " you wuzn t to meetin last night wuz you ? " Says I, " We wimmen talked it over after the meetin , and we are goin to take up a collection to make Miss Bamber a present of a new black dress. We are goin to ask each church-mem ber to give jest one sixpence, and one sixpence apiece from the 250 members will get her a good bumbazeen dress, or a very nice alpacka. And so," says I, " I thought I would ask you for your sixpence." Knowin it is Kellup s duty to be tackled for the good of the meetin-house, I will, no matter whether he will give anything or not, I will insist on tacklin him. Says I, " You know Miss Bamber has lost her 474 THAT ATTICA MAN. mother-in-law and wants to mourn for her wants to the worst kind, and can t." " Why can t she mourn ? " says Kellup. "Why," says I, "She can t mourn, because she haint got no dress suitable to mourn in, thats why Miss Bamber feels like death about it. She knows it is her duty to mourn, and she wants to, like a dog, but can t." Says Kellup, lookin stingy, awful unwillin to give anything, " She can mourn jest as bad in one dress as another, or without any." " Wall," says I reasonably, " So I think. But everybody has their little different ways and excentric- ities, and it don t look well for us to meddle with em. Now that feller by the name of Procrustes, at Attica village. Now, I always thought he went too far. He had a iron bedstead, and he used to make everybody that traveled his way lay down on it, and if their legs was too short, he would stretch em out to fit that bed stead, and if they was too long, he would saw em off." Now Mr. Procrustes wuzn t doin exactly the fair thing. What earthly business was it of his, if other folks es legs was too long to be convenient, or too short ? It wuzn t his place to trim em off, or stretch em. And I always thought that if I had had business in his neighborhood, and been travelin that way, and he had tried to fit me or Josiah to that bedstead, why, I THESIUS GETS MAD. 475 always thought he would have seen trouble. I should have gin him a awful talkin to, and kicked. Mr. Procrustes is dead. Yes, I believe old Thesius, a neighber of his en, killed him upon some mountain or other. I presume he got to stretchin old The- sius es legs out, or begun to saw em off, and got the old man mad, and he jest laid to and killed him. Yes, I believe old Mr. Procrustes hain t livin at the present time, but he left a large, a very large family. And every one of em inherits the old gentleman s traits and disposition. I have seen lots of em that, if TAKIN A REEF. they dast, would have every leg in the world jest the length of their n. If they dast, they would tackle you in a minute with a saw or a broad-axe. 476 A DUTY AND A PRIVILEGE. " But I never felt that way. Now, as fur as my own feelin s are concerned, I think memories can haunt anybody, and hearts can ache jest as severe under a white dress as a black one, and visey versey. Hearts can beat gay and triumphant aginst bumbuzeen bodist waists and crape trimmin s. But Miss Bamber feels different. She feels that she can t mourn without cer tain conveniences. And feelin in that way, and feelin that it would be a duty and a privilege for her to mourn for her mother-in-law, I say that woman shall have the wherewith to do it with. I say she shall mourn if she wants to ; she shall be helped to a black dress. There hain t a member of the meetin - house but what can give a six-pence without feelin it. We want to keep it all still from Miss Bamber, and get it, and get it all made for her before she knows a thing about it. And," says I, "mebby you had better give me the six-pence to-day, as we have got it about all collected, and want to get the dress right away." Says he, " Hain t there nobody else whose duty it is to get the dress ? Her relations ? I should think it was their duty to help." Never did I ask a stingy human creeter for help for the poor, or help for the meetin -house, but what this argument was dragged up by em. Tryin to shirk off their own duty onto somebody else. " No," says I, " her family is all dead. She hain t got but one relation in the world, and that is an aunt TOWN BUSINESS. 477 of her grandmother s ; and she is supported by the town." " Wall," says he, cheerfully, " mebby the town would feel like gettin this dress." I jest give him a look, and never said another word, only jest that look. But I s pose that look spoke louder and awfuler than words, for he hastened to say, in a apologizin way : " I didn t know but the town would want to would feel it a privilege to " I still didn t say nothin , only jest that awful look. And agin he says, in a apologizin way : " I would advance the six-pence to you, I would try to raise it some way for you, but the hard times we have had, and are havin , have depressed all sorts of business so, we have suffered terribly financially as well as the other public. We have got a great deal of money to make out this fall over 10 dollars. Father hain t a bit well ; my health hain t what it once was ; our expenses are enormious taxes, household ex penses, clothin ; and takin all these things into con sideration, together with the public debt, the with drawal of funds by foreign capitalists, the almost total stagnation of public enterprize, the total lack of public confidence, the total " Says I, " Put in total selfishness and total meanness, and keep your six-pence." I don t believe 1 have been more wore out in over seven months, and mad. 18 478 A HARD TASK. " Wall," says he, lookin relieved, " if you will excuse me, I won t make no move towards raisin the money for you. It would probable cramp me consid erable to raise the sum jest at this present time." And then he begun about Kitty agin. Says he, knittin up his eyebrow hard, and lookin gloomy: " I never calculated to fall in love with a poor girl. It never used to pass my mind that 1 ever should select such a one out of the hundreds that stand round me, hankerin to marry me. But I have done it. Why, sometimes I think I couldn t love that girl any more if she was worth two hundred and 50 dollars. I think so much of her that it is as hard for me as loosin a limb, almost like loosin my pocket-book, to think of her bein way off there a pinin for me, and bein on a perfect rack, not knowin whether she will get me or not. " When I think of that side of the question, Josiah Allen s wife, I feel jest like leavin word here with you for her, that I will marry her, whether or no. But then, jest like a blow aginst the side of my head, comes the thought of them other wimmen, that had hopes before she come to Jonesville that they would get me. I believe, anyway, it will be safe to leave word here for her to keep up good courage, and try not to get too cast down and melancholy ; to hope for the best ; and I ll do everything I can. I ll enquire round about the wimmen, see the doctor, and try to arrange things for her good and happiness ; try to get round and marry A NEW FLAME. 479 her. At the same time," says he, with a cautious look, " I would feel it my duty to warn her to not get so bound up in me that the disappointment would kill her, if she should lose me." " Wall," says I, bein wore almost completely out, " I must go and skim the milk for the calves." And he took the hint and started off, and glad enough was I to see him go. But jest as he went down the steps, and I turned to go into the buttery, I see a paper of indigo that Marier Burpey had left here that very day. She had forgot it, and I knew she was in a hurry a colorin ; so I jest carried it to the door, and asked Kellup if he would carry it to her, knowin he had to go right by her door. "No," says he, firmly, "I dassent do it." And he looked anxious and skairt as he said it. " I d be glad to, but I dassent," says he. "I have to make my demeanor perfectly stunny towards that girl, in order to keep her affection anywhere within bounds. She don t show it any by her looks or actions she has got almost marble self-control ; but I see right through it. I see that she almost worships me. I see that I am makin her perfectly unhappy ; and when I think of Sofier s fate, I tremble for Marier. I am careful ; I am a careful feller ; I am on my guard. And at the pres ent time, situated as I be in regard to Kitty, I feel that I ort to be doubly careful. But at any and every time a young man like me can t be too careful when they are round amongst wimmen." 480 WADIN IN GOAR. " Nobody wouldn t mistrust you was makin such havock," says I, mechanically, for I really didn t know what to say. MARIER BURPEY. " Yes, if a young man like me is unprincipled enough to go headlong into wimmen s company without lookin where he is goin , without actin offish and cold to em, why, before that man knows it, he is a wadin through goar. Bleedin hearts lay round him on every side a INDIGO UNSAFE. 481 bleedin . Why don t other young men think of these things ? Why hain t they more careful, more offish ? " Says I, with feelin , "That s so, why hain t they? The offisher some men be, the more I think on em." And I looked longin ly at the path down to the gate, and the road to Jonesville. " Yes, you know what actin on principle means. That is why I respect you, confide in you." " Then you don t think you can carry the indigo ?" says I, turnin to go in. " No," says he, firm as marble, and as sot as that stun. " I d love to accommodate you, but I dassent. When I think of the fate of Sofier, when I think of the deadly blows my conscience dealt to me every minute, as I drove her hearse to the buryin -ground then I feel as if I had almost ruther lose ten cents than go through it agin with Marier. I feel that I must not be resky, and do anything to ensnare her affections." " Good land ! " says I, " indigo won t be likely to ensnare em, will it ? " " Other men might handle it safe, men with less attractions than I have got, but I can t, I dassent." And I wouldn t demean myself by urgin him an other word. And I went into the house, and he started off. Wall, as I was a sayin , Kitty had been gone two weeks, the day Nathan and Cassandra visited me, and this letter from her, brought in to me while I was a gettin the dinner onto the table, brought news that 482 HAPPY DAY. was startlin and agitatin in the extreme. I was jest a stirrin some sweet cream and butter together over the stove, havin a fresh salmon trcut for dinner, and Josiah bein fond of that kind of gravy to eat with it, and Nathan bein such a clever creeter, offered to stir it for me, while I read the letter. And I was so anxious to git the news, that I let him do it, though, the stove bein so hot, take it with that and his burnin blushes, it made a pretty hot time for him. But the news was this : Kitty was married. But the curiousest and most agitatin part of the news was, the old gentleman, Mark s father, had got after Kitty s mother. He went to give her a scoldin , and fell in love with her on the spot. Like Hamen, he got hung on his own gallowses went to smite her, and got smit himself, awful. So he courted her up violent and powerful, and they all got married the same day. It was very pleasant and agreeable news to me, and to Josiah. And Cassandra and Nathan acted well about it. They said they was glad it all turned out so well, but their minds didn t seem to be on the news so much as they was on their babe. And it is a very good-lookin child, and appears middlin well for a child of its age. Takes after its father some sort o sandy, with red hair. It don t look much, as little Samantha Jo did, nor it don t have that noble, beautiful appearance she had at that age. But then you can t expect that any other child is ever goin to look and act like her. I do despise people bein so bound up in A MYSTERIOUS DECREE. 483 their own childern and grandchildern that they can t see no good qualities in any other childern. Thank fortune that hain t my way. nor never was. And I say, and I always shall say, that Cassandra s babe hain t a babe to be ashamed of, and feel above, not by any means. Bein so awful bashful, Nathan don t probable asso ciate with it so much, and act on such intimate terms with it as he would if it wuzn t for that. But in a mild, sheepish way, he seems to think the world of it, and seems to want to do everything he can to make it feel to home with em, and happy. But he don t come out openly and express his admiration and affection, as he would if it wuzn t for that drawback. Now, he dassent hold it much, or that is, he don t seem to dast. But Cassandra bein proud-spirited, and wantin Nathan to show off some, would once in a while put the babe in his lap. He never would make any move to stop her. He never would refuse to take it. He would set and hold it jest as long as she felt disposed to leave it there. But he would look down on it in a skairt, wonderin , breathless way, as if the child got there in his lap through some mysterious and inscrutable decree of Providence, and it wuzn t for him to resist. But he suffered intensely at such times, I could see. And every little while Cassandra (bein determined to make Nathan show off) would tell him to say sun- thin to the babe, talk baby-talk to it. And he would 484 NATHAN AND HIS BABY. always try to. He would always do jest as Cassandra told him to (a cleverer critter never walked). His "DO YOU WANT A PAIR OF BOOTS?" face would be as red as a red handkerchief, but he would ask the babe, up in a little, high, fine voice : " Do you want a pair of boots ? " He never made any other remark to the child that I heard, only jest that. 1 heard him say that to it TH KILLING NEWS. ALL HE COULD SAY. 487 more n 20 times, I dare persume to say. For Cas sandra, bein so anxious to have him show off, kep tellin him to talk to it. And it seemed as if that remark was all he could think of that would be agree able to the child. But Josiah said, as we was talkin it over afterwards, that he heard him say two or three times to it: " Yes, it shall have a pair of boots." But it must have been when I was out a gettin din ner. For if I was under oath I would say that I didn t hear him say a single thing to it, only jest this : " Do you want a pair of boots ? " They started for home jest after dinner, Nathan havin left some work that must be done. And Josiah hitched up and went to Jonesville to mill. And I s pose he told the news about Kitty there. But it wuzn t till the next afternoon that I heard what the effects of that news wuz in a certain place and to a certain feller. And though it hain t always best to mention names, and come right out plain and talk, yet it probable won t do no hurt to mention that you might expect Kellup Cobb, under any circumstances, would act like a fool. I was down to the creek lot, pickin a few berries for supper, when Josiah told me on t. It had got a little later than I thought for, and Josiah had come down after me, bein worried about me. It was only a little ways from the house. I had put the tea-kettle 488 KELLUP DISAPPEARS. on, and sot the table, before I had come out, and the tea-kettle was a bilin , so Josiah said, after he told me the news. The news was thrillin and agitatin in the extreme. He said Kellup Cobb had disappeared the night before, after the news of Kitty s marriage had got abroad in Jonesville. They said that he felt so that he disappeared, he and the hearse and Elder Judas Wart the hull three on em. Kellup had been on intimate terms with Judas Wart for some time ; and some think that Kellup bein so cut down by Kitty s marriage, and the Elder bein so cut down by my with- erin eloquence and Josiah s broom-handle, that they both got into the hearse, and drove off in it to Utah to nine the Mormons. And some think that they sold the hearse, and took the money, and went to Salt Lake by rail. Which last way, I told my Josiah, when he men tioned it, was the proper way to go there, if it wuz the right kind of a rail. But anyway, they had gone, the hull three on em, and there hain t been a word heard from em sense in Jonesville. Josiah said old Cobb felt awfully. Says I, " To lose Kellup ? " " No," says he, "to lose the hearse." But I jest repeated this line of poetry to my pardner. Says I : "Poetry, Josiah, will somehow express the feelin s of the soul better than you can express them yourself." And says I, "Josiah, as for Elder Judas Wart and REFLECTIONS. 489 Kellup, I say with the poet, good riddance to bad rub- bidge." " Wall," says Josiah, with a sort of a dreamy look, that man loves poetry, though he seldom quotes it "don t you s pose, Samantha, that you have got about enough berries for supper, for I am gettin hungry as a bear." " Yes," says I, " because I have got stewed peaches and cold chicken and everything else good for supper besides them. But," says I, lookin sort o longin ly at some berries that was a hangin over the water, " there is a few extra big and ripe ones that do look too good to leave." " Wall," says he, sweetly (for his mean sense I told him what we was goin to have for supper had looked perfectly beautiful), " you set down and rest, Samantha, and I will pick em for you." And so he took my little tin pail, and with a happy frame bent down to pick em. And I, bein tired, sot down, and looked into the water. And I see that everything was reflected in it. The trees, the nodding red sumac feathers, my Josiah and me, gay golden-rod and wild blue china-oysters, the berry bushes, the thorny stalks and the ripe fruit, fresh posys, and with ered leaves ; all imaged there in the water ; and the water was a runnin swift. And out on the end of a slender bush that hung over the water, a bird swayed and swung to and fro, and sung out a dretful sort of a sweet song, yet sad like. 18* 490 COMFORTIN THOUGHTS. Some as if it was practicin over a farewell song to its home, its happy nest, before it sailed away south in search of a balmier climate. So the bird sailed back and forth on that slender twig, over the deep waters, a singin about a happier country, sweet and sad, sweet and low. And my pard- ner picked the ripe berries, and I sot there peaceful and serene (though some sweaty), a thinkin how, over all that was pictured on the changing face of the waters, the changeless blue heavens was reflected, shining down over all, the old and the new, the mourn ful and the sorrowful ; over all, and beneath all. That thought was perfectly beautiful to me, and dretful comfortin . And I sot there a thinkin of that, and a thinkin how swift the water was a runnin towards the sea. THE END. (Saman;ba s first book.) HAVE YOU READ Y OPINIONS AND BETSEY BOBBETS By JOSIAH ALLEN S WIFE ? AUTHOR OF "SAMANTHA Al THE CENTENNIAL," AND k MY WAYWARD PARDNER." IF NOT GET IT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY. This book is one of those indescribable ones, of which little can be said except that it is rich and spicy throughout, readable and fascina ting, brimfull of humor and sharp things jet not a line in it, that does not point a moral, and teach a lesson. It will create a sensation when ever read, and no one will enjoy it better than the ladies, although it deals with them in a plain way. The men will like it, the children will like it, all will like and laugh over it, and remember its teachings long afterwards. The Public will make no mistake in purchasing this book, as it is full of good things, which will at once arrest and rivet the atten tion of the reader. Never was a character s lines drawn more distinctly than that of Josiah s wife, and her originals will be found among the acquaint ances of many. Cute, wise, shrewd and observing, with a vein of strong common sense, yet simple and innocent as a child, she will keep the reader crammed with sharp hits and funny observations. Betsey Bobbet s opinions act upon Josiah s wife s, as settings do upon diamonds : adding to their brightness and resplendency The book contains 432 Pages, and is filled with Pictures, put in, as the author says, to explain the text. Price in Fine English Morocco Cloth, - - $2.5O " " " " " Gilt Edges, 3.OO " " Half Turkey Morocco, " 4.OO The book can be had bv addressing AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO., AGENTS WANTED. HARTFGfiD CONN. (OVER) (Samantha s second book.) JOSIAH ALLEJSTS WIFE S AS A JOSIAH S FIVE HOURS HIDE. Samantha at the Centennial BY THE AUTHOR OF "MY OPINIONS AND BETSEY EOF-BET S," AND "MY WAYWARD PARDXER." This book the writer sends forth to the world, expecting it will (as did other martyrs : John Rogers and etceteiy) trend on the hot coals of public opinion ; be briled on the gridiron old bigotry keeps to brile her enemies on ; be scalded by the melted lead of old custom ; and be burnt up on the stake of opposition ; yet still, upheld by firm principle and lofty emo tions, she is able to say : " I am happy in the thought." .3 kind and noble Artist haft risked his fame by drawing a few pictures for 1hc book. THIS VOLUME CONTAINS 58) PAGP:S, 25 Full-Page and 5O other Engravings Prices: In Fine English Cloth, C 2.50 ; do. do., Gilt Edge, <<?3.00 ; Half Turkey Morocco, 4.00. The book can be had by addressing AMERICAN PUBLISHING CO., AGENTS WANTED- Hartford, Conn. 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