UC-NRLF 
 
 B M 71T SOT 
 

JOHN BULL 
 
 i 
 
 THE NEW MUNCHAUSEN. 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 NEW-YORK: 
 
 CHARLES WILEY, No. 3 WALL-STREET. 
 Hopkins & Morris, Printers. 
 . 1825. 
 
Southern District of New-York, ss. 
 
 [L. S.] BE IT REMEMBERED, That on the first day of February, A. D. 1 f!2i 
 in the forty-ninth year of the Independence of the United Slates" of America 
 Oharles Wiley, of the said district, hath deposited in this office the title of a book, 
 the right whereof he claims as proprietor, in the words following, to wit: 
 
 " John*Bull in America ; or, the New Munchausen." 
 
 In conformity to the Aet of Congress of the United States, entitled " An Act for 
 the encQiiragensent of Learning, by securing the copies of Maps, Charts, and Books 
 to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during the time therein mentioned ," 
 arid also to an Act, entitled " An Act supplementary to an Act, entitled an Act for 
 the encouragement of Learning, by securing the copies of Maps, Charts, and Books 
 to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during the times therein mentioned. 
 and extending the benefits thereof to the arts of designing, engraving, and etching 
 historical affd other prints; 
 
 JAMES DILL, 
 C7<f?i- of the Stuthern District ofNew-Yvrlr 
 

 PREFACE OF THE EDITOR. 
 
 ON the fifth day of August, 1824, a rather gen 
 teel looking stranger arrived at the Mansion Ho 
 tel in the city of Washington, where he inquired 
 for a retired room, and expressed his intention oi 
 staying some time. He was dressed in a blue frock, 
 striped vest, and gray pantaloons ; was about five 
 feet ten, as is supposed, and had a nose like a po 
 tato. The evening of the following day there ar 
 rived in the stage from Baltimore, a little maho 
 gany-faced foreigner, a Frenchman, as it would 
 seem, with gold rings in his ears, and a pair of dimi 
 ty breeches. The littro man in dimity breeches ex 
 pressed great pleasure at meeting the stranger, with 
 whom he seemed to be well acquainted ; but the 
 stranger appeared much agitated at the rencontre, 
 and displayed nothing like satisfaction on the oc 
 casion. With the evident intention of avoiding 
 
 M668742 
 
IV 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 the little dark complexioned man, he, in a few 
 minutes, desired the waiter to show him into his 
 room, to which he retired without bidding the 
 other good night This room, it may be as well 
 to observe, was on the lower story of a back build 
 ing, bounded by an alley in the rear, and the 
 windows of which were within two feet of the 
 ground, 
 
 It appears from the testimony of the waiter, that 
 on going into his chamber, and observing a port 
 manteau, which had been placed there in his ab 
 sence, the stranger inquired to whom it belonged. 
 The waiter replied: " to the French gentleman. 
 As you seemed to be old acquaintance, I thought 
 you might like to be together, sir." This infor 
 mation seemed to cause great agitation in the mind 
 of the stranger, who exclaimed, as if unconscious 
 of the presence of the waiter, " I am a lost man I" 
 which the waiter thought rather particular. The 
 stranger, after a few moments apparent perplexity, 
 ordered the waiter to bring him pen, ink, paper, 
 and sealing-wax, and then desired to be left alone. 
 
 O ^ 
 
 It is recollected, that the darjc complexioned fo 
 reigner retired about ten, requesting to be called 
 up at four o clock, as he was going on in the stage 
 to the south. This is the last that was seen, either 
 of the stranger, or the dark-complexioned foreign 
 er. On knocking at the door, precisely at four 
 o clock the next morning, and no answer being 
 
PREFACE. V 
 
 given, the waiter made bold to enter the room, 
 which to his surprise he found entirely empty. 
 Neither trunks nor stranger, nor dark complex- 
 ioned foreigner, were to be found. Had the stran 
 ger and his friend previously run up a long score 
 at the Mansion Hotel, their disappearance would 
 not have excited any extraordfnany degree of sur 
 prise. But the stranger was indebted but for two 
 days board and lodging, and the dark complex- 
 ioned foreigner had paid his bill over night. A 
 person who slept in the next room, recollected 
 hearing a stir in that of the stranger, as he thinks, 
 about three o clock, but supposing it to be some 
 one going off in the mail, it excited no particular 
 observation. A very minute examination of the 
 windows of the room, which as has been before 
 observed were low, and looked into a back alley, 
 was had ; but there was nothing which indicated 
 any violence, or afforded any clue to an explana v 
 tion. 
 
 This is all that could be gathered in relation to 
 the mysterious disappearance of these two travel 
 lers. But on searching about the room, a packet 
 was found carefully sealed, and directed " To the 
 
 Editor of the ;" the rest was wanting, and the 
 
 omission was probably occasioned by some circum 
 stance occurring at the instant, which led to the 
 singular affair above detailed. Some days having 
 elapsed witnout any thing occurring to throw light 
 A 2 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 on the transaction, it was thought proper to open 
 the packet, the direction of which afforded no clue 
 by which to transmit it to the persons intended, 
 in the hope that something might be learned from 
 it, that would lead to a discovery of the names, or 
 the friends of these mysterious persons. On in 
 spection it proved to be a manuscript of travels in 
 the United States, of which the following is a faith 
 ful transcript. Though, as the reader will per 
 ceive, it explains very satisfactorily the principal 
 portion of the preceding details, there was nothing 
 in it which could lead directly to a discovery of 
 the name and residence of the unfortunate gentle 
 man, whose fate, although still enveloped in doubt, 
 is but too easily anticipated. All that appears cer 
 tain from the manuscript, is that the stranger was 
 an Englishman, travelling to New-Orleans on bu 
 siness, and that he probably was in some way mis- 
 tcriously made away with by the little dark com- 
 piexioned foreigner, of whom a description has 
 been given, and for whom a reward has been of 
 fered in the public papers without effect. His 
 name, as given by himself, in the examination 
 before the magistrate in New-York is probably 
 fictitious. 
 
 Aftet mature reflection, it was decided to pub 
 lish the manuscript, as the best and cheapest mode 
 of extending the inquiry concerning the identity 
 of this unfortunate stranger to all parts of the read- 
 
PREFACE. Vll 
 
 ing world, and thereby acquiring further informa 
 tion. In addition to this motive, it was thought 
 that a work of such extraordinary merit as to style, 
 sentiment, and accuracy of detail, deserved to be 
 made known. Much discussion took place in re 
 spect to the selection of a title for the work, which 
 had been omitted in the manuscript. To announce 
 it simply as a book of travels in Ameaica, would 
 have been to place it on a footing with the various 
 romances which have been published under that 
 title within the last thirty years. Of these, we 
 have lately had such a profusion that the public is 
 rather tired, as we are informed by the booksellers. 
 Some familiar and striking title-page, no matter 
 whether applicable or not to the character of the 
 work, was therefore necessary to excite public at 
 tention, and it was finally decided to adopt that 
 which appears, and which we will now proceed 
 to explain. 
 
 The character of these travels being that of se 
 vere and inflexible truth, a title was chosen in di 
 rect antithesis, partly in a sportive imitation of the 
 facetious philosopher Lucian, who gave the name 
 of " a true story" to one of the most improbable 
 fictions of antiquity ; and partly in allusion to Dr. 
 Jonathan Swift, who in like manner disguised one 
 of the gravest of satires, under the mask of " A 
 Tale of a Tub," than which nothing can be more 
 opposite to its real character. Thus, in like man- 
 
Vlil PREFACE, 
 
 ner have we availed ourselves of the catachresis 
 on this occasion, not only for the purpose of agree 
 ably surprising the reader into the perusal of a 
 work of incomparable veracity, under the garb of 
 a work of fiction, but also to administer to the pub 
 lic taste, which, owing to the witcheries of that 
 mischievous person called the " Great Unknown/ 
 hath an unseemly propensity towards romances 
 and the like. 
 
 In this we are justified, not only by the forego 
 ing high authorities, but in an especial manner by 
 the example of certain great critics, who place at 
 the head of their articles, by way of title-page, 
 the name of a book about which they say not one 
 word in the whole course of their lucubrations. 
 So, in like manner, may we see certain well-mean 
 ing and orthodox writers, publishing what they 
 call " candid examinations," and <e cool consider 
 ations," of and concerning certain disputed points, 
 which, to say the truth, are neither candid nor 
 cool, but marvellously the contrary. We men 
 tion not these things in a spirit of hostility, but to 
 justify our adoption of the figure of the catachre- 
 sfs by their examples. The reader will therefore 
 err exceedingly, if he supposes, for a moment that 
 the following work, whatever be its title, bears 
 the most remote resemblance, or is in any wise 
 fainted with the egregious fictions of the genuine 
 Munchausen. 
 
PREFACE. IX 
 
 Touching the real author of this work, whom 
 we may safely pronounce a second and still greater 
 " Great Unknown/ we have our suspicions on 
 the subject, suspicions almost amounting to a cer 
 tainty, which we shall proceed to lay before the 
 reader. At first, for divers good reasons, we were 
 inclined to suppose the author was no less a person 
 than the " Great Unknown," himself, who, as is 
 asserted, resided in America some time. But 
 however rich, redundant, and inexhaustible may 
 be the invention of this extraordinary Incognito, 
 no one we think will deny to our author, notwith 
 standing his general character of severe veracity, a 
 vigour of fancy and a vein of inventive sportive- 
 ness, vastly superior even to the " Great Un 
 known." We must, therefore, discard this sug 
 gestion, and proceed to put the reader in posses 
 sion of our settled conviction on this matter, which 
 as will be seen amounts to next to a certainty. 
 
 To come to the point without further circum 
 locution, we have the best reasons, as well as the 
 highest circumstantial testimony to warrant us in 
 the assertion, that the author of this work, was, and 
 if living, is still, one of the principal writers of the 
 Quarterly Review the very person who wrote 
 the masterly review of Faux s Travels in the fifty- 
 eighth number.* To arrive at this conclusion, it 
 
 * The reader must consult the English copy for this article, 
 which was so extravagantly complimentary, that even the Ame 
 
X PREFACE. 
 
 is only necessary to compare the two works, in 
 the article of style, temper, and feeling, every 
 thing in short which goes to the indication of a per 
 sonal identity. The style of this work displays 
 the closest resemblance to that of the article on 
 Mr. Faux s Travels, and indeed all the articles re 
 lating to the United States, in the Quarterly Re 
 view. The same classical severity and mildness 
 of rebuke, where rebuke is necessary the same 
 happy aptitude in- the selection of choice flowers 
 of rhetoric the same amiable zeal for religion 
 the same charity to all men the same principles 
 of universal benevolence the same gentlemanly 
 observance of the slightest minutiae of high- wrought 
 and refined good breeding, runs through each and 
 all of these productions. Nay, the same expres 
 sions and peculiar phrases which characterize the 
 reviewer, occur almost in every page of our au 
 thor. We have the " turbulent spirit of democra 
 cy" the " wanton violations of the Sabbath" 
 the " total disregard of religion" the " spitting, 
 gouging, drinking, duelling, dirking, swearing, 
 strutting republicans" the " white-robed, levee 
 going, cow-hidins; fine lady" the " hog-stealing 
 judges" <e the illusions of transatlantic specula 
 tion" "the flippant farragoes of impiety, malevo 
 lence, folly, and radical trash" together with an 
 
 rican bookseller modestly omitted it in his re-publication of the 
 number, 
 
PREFACE. XI 
 
 infinite variety of the favourite phrases of the 
 Quarterly repeated over and over again, with a 
 facility, which we think can only be accounted for 
 on the supposition that the author and reviewer 
 are one and the same person. 
 
 Again, a perfect similarity of temper, as weH as 
 style reigns throughout both productions. The 
 same display of candour, good nature, urbanity, 
 morality, piety, orthodoxy, and loyalty the 
 same inflexible impartiality and love of truth - 
 the same chivalrous gallantry to the ladies the 
 same high-toned courtesy to the gentlemen of this 
 republic and the same intense horror of the turbu 
 lent spirit of democracy, lives, breathes, and moves 
 in each. It were too great a stretch of credulity, 
 to suppose that one kingdom, one quarter of the 
 world, or even the whole universe, could possibly 
 at one and the same time, contain two persons so 
 highly and so equally gifted with such extraordi 
 nary qualifications. It would be too much for one 
 age. We read, indeed, of a young Mede, who as 
 sured Cyrus that he had two souls ; but the idea of 
 two separate persons having one and the same soul, 
 is altogether preposterous. The author of this 
 work, and the superintendent of American af 
 fairs in the Quarterly Review, are therefore mani 
 festly one and the same. This decision acquires 
 additional support from the continual reference 
 to, and quotations from, the latter work, inter- 
 
Xll PEEFACE. 
 
 spersed throughout the whole of the former. It 
 is scarcely possible to believe that any person but 
 the reviewer himself, could so accurately remem 
 ber and refer to the most admired passages. Our 
 author, indeed, seems never to have had the Quar 
 terly out of mind, and this circumstance, together 
 with the fact of his always carrying it about with 
 him, and reading it on all occasions, is another de 
 cisive proof; since we have occasion to know from 
 our own experience, that an author ever prefers 
 his own works to all others, as certainly as a pa 
 rent does his own children. 
 
 Other symptoms of identity occur in almost 
 every page. Both these productions are equally 4 
 remarkable, for that friendly disposition to the 
 people, the government, and institutions of the 
 United States, which has caused the Quarterly to 
 be so extensively circulated in this country, and 
 patronized by its most distinguished citizens. It 
 would be absurd to suppose that two persons, and 
 those persons foreigners, should at one and the 
 same time be animated by such disinterested feel 
 ings of good will towards the people of this, or 
 any other country, We notice, likewise, several 
 other striking similarities ; especially an equally 
 accurate knowledge of the geography and history 
 of the United States. The amiable credulity of 
 our author, in occasionally suffering himself to be 
 imposed upon by the relations of others, is also a 
 
PREFACE. Xlll 
 
 characteristic of the reviewer, who it must be con 
 fessed sometimes stretches his belief into the re 
 gions of the marvellous. This credulity is joined 
 with a certain engaging simplicity which appears, 
 in occasionally exhibiting himself in a ridiculous 
 light, without appearing to be aware of it, and re 
 lating things which a more artful and wary person 
 would pass over without notice^ This we look 
 upon as the strongest proof of his veracity, and a 
 guaranty for the truth of every thing he advances 
 upon his own authority. In regard to what is told 
 him by others, we would advise the reader to re 
 ceive it with some grains of allowance. 
 
 Having thus, as we presume to imagine, pretty 
 clearly established our position, that the author of 
 the following pages, and the writer of American 
 criticisms in the Quarterly, is one and the same 
 person, we shall proceed to indulge in a few spe 
 culations as to the precise individual to whom the 
 people of the United States have so frequently been 
 indebted for such friendly notices. 
 
 It cannot be the laureate, Mr. Southey, because 
 we are assured he has lately taken rather a dislike 
 to republicans, on account of their blamable indif 
 ference to his epic opems. Having in one of these 
 taken the trouble to confer upon them a respecta 
 ble degree of dignity and antiquity, by peopling 
 the country with a colony of Welsh, commanded 
 by a real prince legitimate, with an enormous long 
 B 
 
XIV PREFACE. 
 
 pedigree, it is another proof of the ingratitude oi 
 republics, that the Americans* should be so indif 
 ferent on the occasion. The Laureate s dislike is, 
 therefore, however much it may be lamented, not 
 to be wondered at. But besides this, we have oc 
 casion to know that this unfortunate gentleman, 
 finds it such a difficult matter to do justice to the 
 glories of his present gracious sovereign, that he 
 has been high and dry aground upon a birthday 
 ode for the last nine months, and there is no telling 
 when he will be delivered. It is whispered in the 
 literary circles, that he has called for another butt 
 of sack, to float him off. Others say, that in addi 
 tion to this, he is engaged upon a second li Vision 
 of Judgment," in which his old antagonist, the 
 late Lord Byron, is condemned to a most unheard 
 of punishment, to wit, that of reading overall the 
 Laureate s epics, sapphics, &c. not forgetting Wat 
 Tyler, twice a year, till he becomes orthodox, and 
 believes in the divine right of kings. 
 
 Neither do we think it can possibly be Mr. 
 D Israeli, it being pretty generally understood 
 that he is entirely devoted to the ladies, and that 
 his specified duty is to keep an eye upon Lady 
 Morgan, to whose " flippant impieties," &c. his 
 acknowledged orthodoxy is held to be a most sove 
 reign antidote. We remember to have read in the 
 London Morning Chronicle, (a most mischievous 
 gossipping paper,} if we mistake not, -that Mr. 
 
PREFACE. XV 
 
 D was the author of a certain Review in the 
 
 Quarterly, in which like one of Tasso s or Arios- 
 to s gallant knights, he tilted mortally at our Lady 
 Errant, not with lance but pen, and demonstrated 
 to the satisfaction of the world that the good old 
 Jewish rite had not in the least impaired his man 
 hood. 
 
 We had at one time settled it in our minds^ that 
 these productions came from the pen of the good 
 natured creature who has so long presided over 
 the Quarterly, whereby it hath become so renown 
 ed throughout all Christendom, for that refined 
 and high-wrought courtesy, which is only to be 
 acquired in the cabin of a Newcastle collier. 
 These suspicions were strengthened by our being 
 credibly informed of a little good-tempered old 
 gentleman, who was in this country some time 
 last spring, and was so delighted with every thing 
 he saw that he fell seriously ill of an ecstatic trans 
 port, from which he was finally recovered by 
 smelling a bottle of the pure essence of democracy. 
 These facts staggered us a little ; but positive in 
 formation has since been received that the good 
 man was at that time confined to his house, No. 
 fi8 Grub-street, with a dyspepsy, accompanied by 
 lowness of spirits, occasioned, as is conjectured, 
 by the late act of parliament abolishing lotteries, 
 whereby his office of comptroller of lottery-offices 
 naturally falls to the ground. It is surmised that 
 
XVI PREFACE. 
 
 the orthodox old gentleman hath it in serious 
 contemplation to abandon the Quarterly, become 
 very wicked, and devote himself to democracy and 
 impiety, unless they bolster up his principles with 
 another sinecure.* 
 
 The reader will doubtless give us due credit, 
 when we assure him we have reduced it to a pro 
 bability, approaching very near to certainty, that 
 the real author of the productions, which have 
 been the subject of this inquiry, is a gentleman of 
 great orthodoxy, generally known in England by 
 the appellation of " THE TALKING POTATO." We 
 have been at some pains to come at the origin of 
 this whimsical distinction, but upon the whole 
 have not succeeded exactly to our wishes. By 
 some it is said, it arose from his talking as if he 
 had a hot potato in his mouth ; by others, that it 
 came from his having a noso wonderfully resem 
 bling the Solarium Tuberosum, or red potato. 
 But the most general opinion is, that it originated 
 in his once having had the misfortune to require 
 trepanning, when Sir Astley Cooper, the great 
 surgeon, was astonished to find the entire cavity of 
 
 * Previous to this act, abollishing lotteries, Mr. G., it is un 
 derstood, held two sinecures, to wit, that of paymaster to tire 
 " Honourable band of Gentlemen Pensioners," and that to which 
 we have just alluded. The former was given him to support his 
 loyalty, and the latter to maintain his orthodoxy. It is supposed 
 that either his loyalty or religion will be buried under the ruins 
 of the lottery offices. 
 
PREFACE. XVII 
 
 the brain occupied by a thumping Irish potato. 
 This fact was communicated to the college of 
 physicians, but without mentioning the name, and 
 may be found in one of the volumes of their trans 
 actions. 
 
 This gentleman, besides his holding " some 
 thing in the nature of a sinecure," is a member 
 of parliament, and, as we are informed, one of the 
 genteelest writers of the Quarterly. Besides 
 all this, he is considered the best joker in the 
 House, with the exception of Mr. Canning. He 
 has not the wit of Mr. Canning, but then, as the 
 country members are wont to say in a debate on 
 the causes of agricultural distress, while they are 
 splitting their sides with laughter, " he talks so 
 like a potato." It is a state secret with which we 
 have chanced to become possessed, that the "talk 
 ing potato," did actually come over here some 
 time in the late recess of Parliament, for the sole 
 purpose of coming at the real causes of various 
 naval phenomena which occurred during the late 
 war between England and the United States, a 
 subject which had excited great curiosity among 
 my lords of the admiralty. We understand he 
 ascertained pretty clearly, that the whole secret 
 lay in the trifling circumstances, of a superiority of 
 ships, officers, seamen, and gunnery. This dis 
 covery put him in such a good humour, that he was 
 wrought upon to compliment the people and coun- 
 
XV111 PREFACE. 
 
 try in the polite manner exemplified in the follow 
 ing pages. It is surmised, that the result of his mis 
 sion, in relation to naval matters, will appear in the 
 next edition of Mr. Rober James s Apology for the 
 English Navy. With respect to his object in go 
 ing to New-Orleans, we have some suspicion that 
 it might have been a part of his mission to account 
 for the wonderful disparity of loss in the great 
 battle between the British and the stout hero of 
 New-Orleans. 
 
 The foregoing contains all the particulars we 
 have been able to obtain in elucidation of the fol 
 lowing work. We cannot, however, refrain from 
 expressing our earnest hopes, that the doubts of his 
 friends, and the fears ot his country, in regard to 
 the fate of this unfortunate gentleman, may be 
 speedily removed by his reappearing and claiming 
 this work, to the credit and profits of which he is 
 entirely welcome. Should the contrary be the case, 
 we beg permission to offer our sincere condole- 
 ments to my lords of the admiralty, and to the 
 country members, on the loss of their favourite 
 jester ; to the Quarterly Review, on the loss of its 
 most classical writer ; and to the nation at large on 
 the loss of so useful a person as " The Talking 
 Potato." 
 
 Washington, IQth October, 1824. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA: 
 
 OR THE 
 
 NEW MUNCHAUSEN. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 Impressions of the author previous to his arrival in America- 
 Embarks from Liverpool Voyage Sea-serpent Arrives at 
 Boston, the capital of the state of Kennebunk Account of the 
 city Manners of the people Mansion-house hotel, kept by 
 William Renshaw, an Englishman Turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy Negroes Earthquakes Inundations Intemperance 
 Ignorance Impudence Barbarity Athenaeum Litera 
 ture Naval Officer Turbulent spirit of democracy Quarter 
 ly Review, &c. Leave Boston. 
 
 PREVIOUS to my departure for the western 
 Paradise of Liberty, my impressions with regard 
 to the country were, upon the whole, rather of a 
 favourable character. It is true, I did not believe 
 a word of the inflated accounts given by certain 
 French revolutionary travellers, such as Brissot, 
 Ghastellux, and others ; much less in those of Birk- 
 beckj Miss Wright, Captain Hall, and the rest of 
 1 
 
2 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 -~ 
 
 the radical fry. I was too conversant with the 
 Quarterly Review, to be led astray by these Uto- 
 pian romancers, and felt pretty well satisfied that 
 the institutions of the country were altogether 
 barbarous. I also fully believed that the people 
 j were a bundling, gouging, drinking, spitting, im- 
 I pious race, without either morals, literature, reli 
 gion, or refinement ; and that the turbulent spirit 
 of democracy was altogether incompatible with any 
 state of society becoming a civilized nation. Being 
 thus convinced that their situation was, for the 
 present, deplorable, and in the future entirely 
 hopeless, unless they presently relieved themselves 
 from the cumbrous load of liberty under which 
 they groaned, I fell into a sort of compassion for 
 them, such as we fedl for condemned criminals, 
 having no hope of respite, and no claim to benefit 
 of clergy. 
 
 Under this impression, and with a determination 
 to look to the favourable side of the subject on all 
 occasions ; to be pleased with every thing I saw, 
 and to make a reasonable allowance for the faults 
 originating in their unhappy situation, I left Eng 
 land. I can safely lay my hand on my heart, and 
 declare to the world, that I was, and still am, as 
 free from prejudice against any nation whatever, 
 as any English traveller who has ever visited this 
 country. 
 
 Being fully aware of the superiority of British 
 ships and British sailors, I declined the advice of 
 certain merchants at Liverpool, to embark in one 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 of the line of American packets, and took passage 
 on board the British brig Wellington, for Boston, 
 as my business was principally in New-Orleans, 
 and I wished to arrive at the nearest port. I did 
 not like to go directly for New-Orleans, being ap 
 prehensive of the yellow-fever, which rages there 
 all the year round, with such virulence that the 
 people all die off there regularly once in two years. 
 Our passage was long and tedious, so much so that 
 the packet in which I was advised to sail from Liv 
 erpool, arrived at Boston four weeks before the 
 Wellington. But this I am assured was owing 
 more to good fortune than to any superiority either 
 in the ship or sailors, over those of the mistress of 
 the seas. I passed my time both pleasantly and 
 profitably in reading the Quarterly. 
 
 On the seventieth day from losing sight of Old 
 England, we made land at Cape Hatteras, which 
 forms the eastern point of Boston Bay, which we 
 entered just before sun-set ; and being favoured 
 with a fine fair wind from the north, came up to 
 the wharf in .about two hours from entering the 
 Capes. Coming up, we saw the famous sea-ser 
 pent ; but he was nothing to those I had frequently 
 seen in the Serpentine, so called from its abound 
 ing in these articles. Being very anxious to go on 
 shore, I desired one of the sailors to call a hack, 
 which very soon arriving, I ordered the fellow to 
 drive me to the best hotel in the place : according 
 ly he put me down at the mansion-house hotel, 
 kept by William Renshaw, a place of great repu- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 tation throughout the United States. The fellow 
 charged me a quarter of a dollar, which is twice as 
 much as I should have paid in London ! Being 
 determined not to be imposed upon, I appealed to 
 the landlord, who assured me it was all right ; so 
 I paid him, after giving himself and his horses a 
 hearty malediction. 
 
 The landlord, civilly enough, considering the 
 country I was in, desired to know if I wished to 
 have a room for the night. I answered him in the 
 affirmative, and begged, as a particular favour, that 
 he would put me into one with not more than six 
 beds in it. He seemed a little surprised, but as 
 sured me my wishes should be gratified. I was 
 accordingly shown into a neat room enough, with 
 a single bed. Ay, ay, thought I, this landlord 
 knows how to distinguish his guests; but my 
 wonder subsided when the waiter, who I was sur 
 prised to find was a white man, told me his master 
 was an Englishman. 
 
 Soon after I was called down to supper, where I 
 found twenty or thirty persons, all perfect stran 
 gers to me, and who, seeing I was a stranger I 
 suppose, paid me those little civilities, which, to 
 one who knows the world, are always sufficient to 
 put him on his guard. Accordingly I declined 
 them all, and answered the questions put to me 
 rather short, insomuch that a person, who I took 
 to be a naval officer, seemed inclined to quarrel 
 with me. Nothing indeed can be more disgusting 
 to a stranger than these civilities, from people one 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 5 
 
 does not know ; and nothing gave me a more un 
 favourable impression of the rude manners of these 
 republicans, than the freedom with which they 
 chatted about their private affairs, and joked each 
 other before me, a perfect stranger. It displayed 
 a want of tact a familiarity so different from the 
 conduct of people in similar circumstances in Lon 
 don, that I retired to my room in disgust. I after 
 wards learned that the naval officer threatened to 
 " lick" me, as he called it, for my surly ill man 
 ners, as he was pleased to denominate my gentle 
 manly reserve. 
 
 I retired to rest, and found my bed tolerable 
 enough ; but the American goose feathers are by 
 no means as soft as those of London. In the morn 
 ing I went down to breakfast, determined to keep 
 these forward gentry at a distance. But it did not 
 appear to be necessary, as none of these rude boors 
 took the least notice of me, and if I wanted any 
 thing, I was obliged to call the waiter to bring it 
 to me, for no one offered to hand it about the table. 
 I was exceedingly disgusted at this Gothic want 
 of politeness, which, however, was nothing strange, 
 considering the vulgar habits of equality which 
 prevail in this republic ; so I called for a coach, 
 with an air of importance, and rode round the city, 
 with a view of seeing into the character and habits 
 of the people. 
 
 The first thing that struck me, was the vast dis 
 proportion of negroes, in the streets and every 
 where else. I may affirm, with perfect veracity, 
 
6 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 that nearly one half the inhabitants of Boston are 
 black. Each of these poor creatures has a white 
 man always standing over him, with a large club 
 about the thickness of a man s arm, with which he 
 beats the poor slave for his amusement. I assure 
 you I have seen, I may say, a thousand instances 
 of this kind of a morning. There is hardly a slave 
 here that has not his head covered with scars, and 
 bound up with a handkerchief ; and almost every 
 step you take, you perceive the stains of blood 
 upon the pavement, which, I am assured by Go 
 vernor Hancock himself, is that of the negroes. I 
 have seen a lady of the first distinction here, walk 
 ing the Mall, as it is called, with a stout black- 
 fellow behind her, and occasionally amusing her 
 self with turning round and scratching his face till 
 it was covered with blood. This Mall is a place 
 of about half an acre, covered with dust, with a 
 few rotten elms, and a puddle in the centre. Even 
 the little children here are initiated into human 
 blood almost as soon as they are able to walk ; and 
 the common amusement of young persons is to 
 stick pins in their black attendants, while every 
 boy has a little negro, of about his own age, to 
 torture for his pastime. 
 
 The blacks here, as I was assured by his excel 
 lency the Governor, whose name is Hancock, have 
 but one meal a day, which is principally potatoes, 
 and fare little better than the miserable Irish or 
 English peasantry at home. The Governor told 
 me a story of a man, who tied his black servant 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 7 
 
 naked to a stake, in one of the neighbouring cane- 
 brakes, near the city, which abound with a race of 
 moschetoes that bite through a boot. Here he 
 was left one- night, in the month of December, 
 which is a spring month in this climate, and the 
 next morning was found stone dead, without a drop 
 ef blood in his body. I asked if this brutal ty 
 rant was not brought to justice? The Governor 
 shrugged up his shoulders and replied, that he was 
 now a member of congress ! 
 
 To an Englishman, who is only accustomed to 
 see white men in a state of slavery and want, it is 
 shocking to see black ones in a similar situation. 
 My heart bled with sympathy for the wrongs of 
 this injured race, and I could not sufficiently ad 
 mire the philanthropy of the members of the Holy 
 Alliance, who have lately displayed such a laudable 
 compassion for the blacks. 
 
 Next to the continual recurrence of these dis 
 gusting exhibitions of cruelty, the most common 
 objects seen in the streets of Boston, are drunken 
 men, women, and children. I was assured by the 
 Mayor, Mr. Pnillips, one of the most charitable 
 and philanthropic men in the State of Maine, that 
 on an average, every third person was drunk every 
 day, by nine o clock in the morning. The women 
 however, don t get fuddled, he tells me, till after 
 they have cleared the breakfast table, and put the 
 room to rights, when they set to and make merry 
 with the young children, not one in a hundred of 
 whom ever see the inside of a school, or a church. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 The consequences of this mode of life are, that the 
 whole of the people exhibit a ruddy complexion, 
 and what appears at first sight to be a strong mus 
 cular figure ; but on a closer examination the roses 
 will be found to be nothing more than what is call 
 ed grog-blossoms, and the muscular appearance 
 only bloated intemperance. 
 
 Ignorance is the natural result of a want of know 
 ledge, as the Quarterly says. Consequently, where 
 children never go to school, it is not probable that 
 learning will flourish. Accordingly, nothing can 
 equal the barbarous ignorance of both the children 
 and grown up persons in this republican city. I 
 happened to be at the house of a judge of one of 
 the courts, and was astonished to find, on my giv 
 ing his son , a boy of about twelve years old , a book 
 to read, that he could not comprehend a single 
 word ! The poor mother, who was, I suppose, a 
 little mortified on account of my being a stranger, 
 (they don t mind these things among themselves,) 
 patted the booby on the back, and assured. me the 
 poor boy was so bashful ! Most of the justices of 
 the peace here, ma ke their mark, instead of sign 
 ing their names to warrants, &c. and what is diffi 
 cult to believe, many of the clerks in the banks 
 can t write their names. I never saw a school 
 while in Boston. There is a college, to be sure, 
 but I was assured the professors did not quite un 
 derstand English. The Rev. Cotton Mather, one of 
 the most enlightened and popular preachers here, 
 has written a book called the Magnalia, in which 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 he gives a variety of witch stories, such as would 
 be laughed at, even among the Indians, but which 
 they all believe here, as if it were Holy Writ. 
 The work is just come out, and affords apt illus 
 tration of the state of the human intellect on this 
 side of the Atlantic. 
 
 Religion is, if possible, in a worse state than lit 
 erature, manners, or morals. There is not a sin 
 gle church in Boston, nor any religious exercises 
 on Sunday, except in a few school rooms, by the 
 methodists and other fanatics. I am assured it is 
 the custom all over New-England, as well as in 
 the states of Newburyport and Pasquotank, to 
 spend the Sabbath like every other day in the week, 
 except that they put on clean clothes, a thing ne 
 ver thought of, even among the most fashionable 
 ladies, except on that occasion. 
 
 Boston is a terrible place for fever and agues. 
 Every one of the inhabitants, except the slaves, is 
 afflicted with them in the spring and autumn, as 
 sure as the leaves appear in the former, and fall 
 in the latter. The consequence is, that they look 
 like so many ghosts, without flesh or blood, and if 
 you go into the shops, you may hear the money 
 jingling in the pockets of the shop-keepers, by the 
 mere force of habit, even if the poor man should 
 happen, at that moment, to be free from the ague ; 
 or {( shake," as they call it. 
 
 Besides this, they have earthquakes and inunda 
 tions, three times a week, if not more. After the 
 earthquake generally comes an inundation, which 
 
10 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 destroys all the crops for hundreds of miles round, 
 and covers the country, so that the tops of trees 
 and chimneys just appear above the water. This 
 is succeeded by a fog so thick, that many persons 
 are lost in the streets of Boston, and wander about 
 several days, without being able to find any of 
 the houses. This is the origin of the phrase "I 
 guess," so universal in New-England ; for these 
 fogs are so common, that one half the time peo 
 ple are obliged to " guess" at what they are about. 
 Hence, too, the half pint of whiskey which eve 
 ry man takes in the morning the first thing he 
 does after getting up, is called an anti-fogmatic. 
 
 These are the principle things I observed in my 
 morning s ride. At dinner the naval officer took 
 occasion to make himself most indecently merry, 
 with certain sarcasms on the stupid, surly, self-im 
 portance, which some people attempted to pass oft 
 for real dignity and high breeding. The rudeness 
 of republicanism, indeed, is obvious to the most 
 superficial observer from the first moment a man 
 sets foot in this country of beastly equality. After 
 dinner a person who had been troubling me with 
 his attentions, since my arrival, offered to carry 
 me to the Athenaeum, a great literary institution, 
 where they read newspapers, and talk politics, 
 which they mistake for literature. I must not for 
 get to observe, that nothing can be worse than the 
 taste of these people, which is perfectly barbarous, 
 except their genius, which is perfectly barren. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 11 
 
 Nothing is read here but newspapers, almanacs, 
 dying-speeches, ghost-stories, and the like. Their 
 greatest scholar is Noah Webster, who compiled a 
 spelling-book, and their greatest poet the author 
 of Yankee doodle. The utmost effort of republi 
 can genius is to write an additional stanza to this 
 famous song, which, in consequence of these per 
 petual contributions, is by this time, almost as 
 long as a certain Persian poem, which, if I recol 
 lect right, consisted of one hundred and twenty 
 thousand verses. 
 
 I brought letters to some of the principal magni- 
 ficoes here, but did not deliver them. I like the 
 dinners and old wine of these vulgarians ; but real 
 ly it is paying too much for them to be obliged to 
 listen to their vulgar hemp, cotton, tobacco, and 
 nankeen speculations, without being allowed the 
 privilege of laughing, or even yawning in their 
 stupid faces. Then one is obliged to drink wine 
 with madam, be civil to her dowdy daughters, who 
 " guess they have no occasion for dancing" and 
 what is the climax of horrors, retire from the din 
 ner-table to the drawing-room, to hear miss break 
 the sixth commandment in the matter of half a do 
 zen sonatas, and two dozen of Moore s Melodies. 
 
 By the time I had sojourned a single day in the 
 land of promise, I began to be mortally ennuye. I 
 inquired of the waiter if there was any thing in the 
 fancy way going on. He replied there were plen 
 ty of fancy stores in Court-street ! I asked if there 
 was likely to be a mob soon, as I had heard these 
 
12 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 republicans amused themselves in that way. He 
 replited, that mobs never happened in Boston. 
 Any executions? No " My G d," exclaimed 
 I in despair, " what a dull place!" I devoted the 
 evening to packing up, and after supper, being de 
 sirous to make an impression on these bumpkin 
 demos, called out loudly to the waiter, in my best 
 Corinthian tone " Waiter ! you infernal wai 
 ter!" " Here, sir." " Waiter, bring a boot-jack 
 and pair of slippers." " Waiter you infernal 
 waiter," replied a voice which I took for an echo, 
 " Here, sir," said the waiter. Waiter, bring 
 me two boot-jacks, and two pair of slippers." On 
 looking round I perceived the echo was my old 
 enemy, the naval officer. Being determined, how 
 ever, to take no notice of such a low fellow, I again 
 called out " Waiter, bring a candle into my 
 chamber, and a warming pan to warm my bed." 
 * Waiter, bring two candles, and two warming- 
 pans, into my chamber. I shall sleep in two beds 
 to night," cried echo. I gave him a look of with 
 ering contempt and walked out of the room, leav 
 ing behind me a horse laugh, which, as I judged, 
 proceeded from these illiterate cyclops. Before I 
 went to bed I looked over the fifty-eighth number 
 of the Quarterly to refresh my memory. 
 
13 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Turbulent spirit of democracy Leave Boston for Charleston, jN. 
 C. Great ship) Captain Hull Eating negroes Cruelty 
 Judge D. Yankee dinner Mode of eating Terrapins, cant 
 word for young negroes System of farming Yale college 
 Ignorance of the professor Hoax Turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy Turkey Buzzards, called eagles here Fogs Drunken 
 driver Mail robbers Wild beasts Little Frenchman Tur 
 bulent spirit of democracy Yankee breakfast Judge, colo 
 nel, deacon, driver Spirit of democracy Shooting at a mark 
 Unlucky mistake Spirit of democracy Catastrophe of 
 Ramsbottom, fcc. 
 
 BEING determined to hold as little communica 
 tion as possible with the turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy, the next day, without asking any questions, 
 I took the stage, crossed a bridge to the north of 
 Boston, which bestrides the Potomac river, and in 
 less than half an hour arrived in Charleston, the 
 capital of the state of North Carolina, a city famous 
 for eating negroes. It is about three miles from 
 Boston. There is a navy-yard at this place which 
 I visited, and saw a ship building there which is 
 four hundred and twenty yards long, and as Capt 
 Hull, the commandant, assured mo, would carry 
 2 
 
14 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 three hundred long forty-two pounders. She is 
 called a seventy-four ! The captain, who is a tall 
 rough-looking man, with black eyes and immense 
 whiskers, told me, in confidence, that the only way 
 he could persuade the Yankee sailors to stand to 
 their guns in his engagement with the gallant Da- 
 cres, was by promising them, in case of victory, to 
 roast the fat black cook of the Constellation, as his 
 ship was called, for supper. Nothing will make 
 these cannibal republicans fight like a temptation 
 of this sort. 
 
 Charleston is about the size of Boston, but has 
 neither pavements nor sidewalks, and alternates be 
 tween mud and dust, and dust and mud. In sum 
 mer it is all dust, in winter all mud. Indeed I 
 began to perceive, the moment I arrived here, that 
 I had got amongst a different sort of people from 
 those of Boston. There was no one to be seen in 
 the streets but negroes stark naked as they were 
 born, with their backs striped like a leopard, in 
 consequence of the frequent application of the lash. 
 In fact, the principal article for sale here at the 
 retail shops, is the cow-hide, as it is called, that is, 
 a hard ox-skin, twisted in the shape of a whip. 
 Almost every man you see has one of these in his 
 hand, and a spur at his heel, to make people be 
 lieve he carries the whip for his horse. But I was 
 assured by the head waiter at the city hotel, kept 
 by Mr. Chester Jennings, in Charleston, that it was 
 for the purpose of beating the slaves. Nothing in 
 deed will tempt the whites to exert themselves in 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 15 
 
 this enervating climate, but the luxury " of licking 
 a fellow," as they call it, and almost the first thing 
 I noticed in coming into the city, was a tall, lank, 
 cadaverous figure, strutting up and down, cutting 
 and hacking with his cow-hide at every negro man, 
 woman, and child, that came in his way. I in 
 quired of the driver what these blacks had been 
 guilty of. " Guilty," replied he, " guilty eh ! 
 
 O, lord bless you sir, it s only Judge D 
 
 amusing himself with the niggers." It made my 
 heart bleed to see the blood running down their 
 backs. It was almost as bad as shooting the Irish 
 peasants for being out after nine o clock. 
 
 I had scarcely been at my hotel an hour when 
 this same Judge D called upon me, as a stran 
 ger, and invited me to dinner the next day. My 
 blood rose up against the brute, but as I wished 
 to see whether some of the stories told about these 
 people, and which they deny, were true, I accept 
 ed his invitation. The party consisted of Judge 
 
 D , his wife, two daughters, and about a dozen 
 
 of the principal men of the place, among whom 
 was the governor of South-Carolina, Mr. Heister. 
 Behind each of the seats, as well the judge s as 
 those of his lady and daughters, stood a black boy 
 or girl, as it happened, perfectly naked, and each 
 of the guests were provided with a cow-hide, with 
 which to chastise any neglect of duty on the part 
 of the slaves. There was cut and come again. The 
 judge and his guests cut their meat and cut the ne 
 groes ad interim, and I particularly noticed the 
 
16 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 dexterity of the young ladies in touching the ten 
 der places with the cow-hide, as well as their infi 
 nite delight in seeing them wince under the appli 
 cation. One of these poor wretches having the 
 misfortune to break a plate during dinner, was 
 taken out, put under the window by the overseer, 
 and beat so cruelly that her moans were heard 
 over half the city. When she came in again the 
 tears were rolling down her cheeks, and the blood 
 trickling down her naked back. The indifference 
 with which every one of the company but myself 
 beheld all this, convinced me that it was the cus 
 tom of the country. 
 
 The dinner was, in the main, good enough. 
 That is to say, there was a plenty of things natu 
 rally good, but what was very remarkable, it was 
 brought up in wooden dishes, out of which they all 
 helped themselves with their fingers, knives and 
 forks not being in use in America, except among 
 a few English people. There was a very suspi 
 cious dish on the table, which they called terrapin 
 soup, in which I observed what had exactly the 
 appearance of the fingers and toes of little negroes. 
 I afterwards learned that this was actually the case, 
 and that terrapin is the cant name for black chil 
 dren, as papoose is for.those of the Indians. Dur 
 ing the dessert, an unlucky slave happened to let 
 fall a knife to which he was helping his mistress, 
 who snatched it up in a great passion and gave 
 him a deep gash in the face. I dropt my knife and 
 fork in astonishment, but nobody else seemed to 
 notice this horrible incident. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 17 
 
 The next morning I strolled out into the fields 
 with a view of seeing the system of rural econo 
 my practised in the south. One of the best man 
 aged plantations, I was told, was that of his ex 
 cellency Governor Hancock, whose name is signed 
 to the declaration of independence, said to be writ 
 ten by one Jefferson, a player belonging to the 
 Philadelphia theatre. The governor is a brisk, 
 troublesome little man, about forty. His planta 
 tion is at a place called Merrimack, on the river 
 of that name. I saw plenty of slaves, and a scar 
 city of every thing else. The principal products 
 are rice, cotton, and tobacco. The rice grows 
 generally upon the high grounds ; but the cotton 
 requires to be covered with water occasionally. 
 The best is called Sea. Island, because it grows up 
 on little islands in the mill ponds, which the peo 
 ple here, according to their universal practice of 
 hyperbole, call seas. As for the tobacco, this filthy 
 and unwholesome weed is found to flourish best in 
 the negro grave-yards, where it is commonly rais 
 ed, and where you may every day during the 
 month of (January, when it is ripe, see the chil 
 dren of the slaves gathering it from the very graves 
 of their parents. This tobacco is used as food by 
 men, women, and children, who eat it as we do 
 sallad. ,1?Here I saw the poor negroes working 
 bare-headed, and I might say bare-backed, in the 
 broiling sun, which sometimes actually sets fire to 
 their woolly heads, of which I saw several exam 
 ples in the course of my travels. Two or three 
 2* 
 
18 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 heads were already beginning to smoke, and I was 
 told if I staid half an hour longer, I might see 
 them in a blaze. However, having seen enough 
 to convince me that the system of farming here 
 was execrable, and finding it getting rather cold, 
 I returned home by another route, which gave me 
 an opportunity of seeing Yale college. / ? 
 
 In reconnoitering about, I fell in with one of 
 the professors, to whom, willing to see whether 
 the poor man understood Latin, I paid my com 
 pliments in forma pauperis. The professor, after 
 staring at me with a most ludicrous expression of 
 ignorant wonder, asked me whence I came, and 
 upon my answering " last from Charleston, South- 
 Carolina," shrugged up his shoulders and replied, 
 " it was really so far off, that he could not under 
 take to direct me," although the steeples were full 
 in sight ! From this we may judge of the state of 
 learning and information on this side the Pacific. 
 Being determined to hoax these poor souls, I filled 
 a box with pebbles, old mortar, and pieces of brick 
 bats, which I sent to the faculty as a valuable suite 
 of American minerals; whereupon they unani 
 mously bestowed upon me the degree of doctor of 
 laws. There were some vitrified masses I picked 
 up near an old glass-house which caused great 
 speculation, being considered unquestionable vol 
 canic productions. When questioned as to their 
 locality, I sent them on a wild goose chase in 
 search of a burning mountain. 
 
 Becoming tired of Charleston, its negroes and tur- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 19 
 
 key buzzards, (which the turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy has dubbed eagles,) and desirous of getting 
 to New-Orleans as early as possible, I took a seat 
 in the stage for Portsmouth, New-Hampshire, and 
 departed before daylight the next morning. When 
 it should have been daylight, the fog was so thick 
 it was impossible to see the leaders, and I express 
 ed some apprehension. One of the passengers as 
 sured me, however, that as the driver was drunk, 
 as a matter of course, daylight was of no conse 
 quence it was trusting to Providence at all events. 
 Indeed, I am assured by persons of veracity, that 
 travellers in this country place their chief depen 
 dence on the horses, who, being left pretty much 
 to themselves, in consequence of the intoxication 
 of the drivers, acquire a singular discretion, and 
 seldom run away except when the driver is sober. 
 Thus we travelled under the guidance of instinct, 
 till near ten o clock, when objects gradually be 
 came visible along the road. The driver about 
 this time waked up," and I was congratulating my 
 self on his appearing; sober; but the same commu 
 nicative passenger assured me it was of no conse 
 quence, for he would be drunk again by the time 
 breakfast was over. 
 
 I had heard a great deal about the populous- 
 ness of the country in the neighbourhood of Bos 
 ton ; but I can safely affirm, that during the whole 
 of this morning s ride, I saw neither house nor 
 human being along the road. We heard indeed a 
 deal of barking and howling at no great distance, 
 
20 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 * 
 
 which the communicative passenger assured me 
 was that of various kinds of wild beasts, that abound 
 in these parts. He told me they frequently sur 
 rounded the stage, devoured the horses, and if 
 their hunger was not then satisfied, topped off with 
 the driver and passengers. Indeed, what with 
 mail robberies, which happened almost every night, 
 and attacks of wild beasts, there was little hope of 
 getting to the end of a journey of a dozen miles 
 alive. " JBoutez en avant" roared out a little 
 Frenchman in a corner, taking a great pinch of 
 snuff at the same time. All this, thought I, comes 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy. 
 
 Breakfasting at a little .town, which, like all 
 other towns in this country, is called the city of 
 Hartford, I saw a young lady devour thirty-six 
 cucumbers, moistened with a quart of vinegar. 
 After which, she sat down, played Lodoiska on 
 the piano, and then went into the field to pull 
 onions. Such horrible incongruities are generated 
 in the rankness of democracy \ There was a child 
 of about eight years old in the room, who called 
 for an anti-fogmatic, which he drank off at one 
 swallow, after which he lighted a cigar and amus 
 ed himself with singeing the woolly pate of a lit 
 tle black boy, or terrapin, as they call them when 
 made into soup. According to the prediction of 
 the communicative passenger, the driver was nod 
 ding again on his seat, in less than half an hour after 
 starting. I was so provoked that I threatened to 
 lick him, as the naval officer said at Boston. But 
 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 21 
 
 the communicative passenger cautioned me against 
 this, assuring me the driver was a man of great 
 consequence a member of congress judge of the 
 court colonel of militia justice of the peace 
 deacon of the church constable and keeper of the 
 county jail withaL " So," continued the com 
 municative passenger, " he can issue a warrant 
 take you in custody try you for an assault clap 
 you in jail keep watch over you when there 
 and finally have you prayed against by the whole 
 congregation/ "Diable!" exclaimed the little 
 Frenchman in broken English; " these democrat 
 Yankees have as many offices as their citizea hogs 
 have hind legs." " Why, how many legs have 
 our citizen hogs, as you call them, Monsieur?" 
 replied the communicative passenger. " Why, eight 
 at least," said the other, " or they could never 
 furnish the millions of hams which I see every 
 where. Diable ! I have breakfasted upon ham 
 dined upon ham and supped upon ham, every 
 day since I arrived in this country. Yes, sir, it is 
 certain your pigs must have at least eight hams a 
 piece ;" upon which he politely offered me a pinch 
 of snuff, which I refused with cold dignity. If I 
 know myself, I have no national prejudices ; but 
 I do hate Frenchmen. 
 
 Though anxious to gain information, I cannot 
 condescend to mix with these rank republicans, ask 
 questions, and take the usual means of gaining it. 
 I wanted to know the reason of such a multiplicity 
 of offices being united in one person j but it was 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 enough for me to permit these low-lived scum of 
 democracy to give me information, without de 
 meaning myself to ask for it. Luckily the little 
 Frenchman, like all his detestable countrymen, 
 was fond of talking. " Pray/ said he, " how 
 comes it that his honour the colonel, deacon, stage- 
 driver, has so many offices ; or, as you Yankees 
 say, so many irons in the fire? -One would think 
 that men were as scarce in this country, as hams 
 are plenty. 7 Why, the truth is," replied the 
 communicative traveller, that being one of three 
 persons out of the whole county that can read, it 
 is negessary he should labour in a variety of voca 
 tions, for the good of his country. Besides, as 
 every democrat is by nature and habit a drunkard, 
 a sober man ampng them is like a good singer at a 
 feast ; the one is knocked down for all the songs, 
 and the other is under the necessity of playing a 
 sort of jack- of-all trades." " Diable!" exclaimed 
 the little Frenchman, " do you call this colonel 
 stage-driver a sober man ?" " Why not exactly," 
 replied the other ; (< but this valuable person has 
 been drinking so long, and so constantly, that ha 
 bit has become second nature, and he is never so 
 wise, valiant, discreet, and pious, as when he is 
 full charged with apple brandy." So much for 
 the spirit of democracy, thought I. 
 
 The country through which we passed, every 
 where exhibits traces of the lazy, ragged, and dirty 
 genius of democracy ; who prides himself on his 
 beggary, and riots in the want of all those ele~ 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 23 
 
 gancies which civilized nations consider essential 
 to existence. A few miserable negro huts, without 
 roof or windows, and a few half-starved, half-naked 
 negroes, dot the sterile landscape here and there. 
 The only white people we saw, were a knot of 
 half-drunken savages, assembled about a log hut, 
 shooting at a mark. Here we stopped to water 
 the horses, and I looked about to see the mark at 
 which they were trying their skill. " You are 
 curious," said the communicative traveller, < to 
 know what they are shooting at. Look at that 
 little negro. They will tie him to yonder post 
 anon, .and shoot at him till he is torn to atoms, as 
 they do at turkeys, for sixpence a shot/ Another 
 proof of the horrible spirit of democracy. The 
 person who gave me this information added, that 
 when they had finished this trial of skill, they 
 would, in all probability, turn to and take a few 
 shots at each other for mere amusement. 
 
 We arrived at Portsmouth, an inland town, 
 capital of Georgia, where being heartily sick of this 
 bundling, guessing, tippling den of democracy, 
 I thought I would, for once, depart from my or 
 dinary rule, and inquire when I might calculate on 
 getting to New-Orleans? I accordingly put the 
 question to the landlord ; but the little impatient 
 Frenchman who was close at my heels took the 
 word -"New-Orleans! Diable ! are you going to 
 New-Orleans, Monsieur?" Thinking his surprise 
 might have some connexion with the yellow-fever. 
 I was thrown off my guard, and before I knew it. 
 
24 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 condescended to answer " Yes, I am," but with 
 cold dignity. The little villain took a.huge pinch 
 of snuff, blew his nose like a trumpet; and exclaim 
 ed " To New-Orleans ! You are going to New- 
 Orleans, and I am going away from it as fast as I 
 possibly can ! One of us must be going the wrong 
 way, that s certain. Pray," said he, turning to the 
 communicative traveller, " will Monsieur be good 
 enough to tell me whether I am travelling north or 
 south, to New-Orleans or Passamaquoddy ?" " Due 
 north in the very eye of the North-star -to 
 Passamaquoddy, and not to New-Orleans, Mon 
 sieur," answered the other. " Monsieur," said 
 the little villain, turning to me, and offering a 
 pinch of snuff with a low bow " Monsieur, when 
 you get into a stage coach, do you ever condescend 
 to inquire where it is going? I am an old traveller, 
 and as we are going to part, never perhaps to meet 
 again, let me conjure you, by the memory of your 
 ancestors and the victory of Waterloo, never to 
 set out on a journey without inquiring whither you 
 are going? However, Monsieur, it is an ill wind 
 that blows nobody good. I am going no farther 
 north than this place, shall finish my business 
 here this afternoon, and to-morrow, if Monsieur 
 pleases,.we will set out for the south, which I assure 
 you is the very best way to New-Orleans." " And 
 I," said the communicative traveller, "shall also 
 return in the morning, and mean to go south as 
 far as the city of Charleston, so that we shall have 
 the pleasure of each other s company, for a thou- 
 
JOHN BULL IN" AMERICA. 35 
 
 sand miles at least." " A thousand miles!" re 
 plied I, for here again surprise overcame my digni 
 fied reserve " Why, I thought" . But I 
 
 stopt short, being unwilling to give the little rascal 
 of a Frenchman another laugh, by letting him into 
 the secret of a certain blunder which shall be name 
 less. " On the whole," observed the communi 
 cative traveller, " you have not lost much by this 
 little ride out of your way. You have had an op 
 portunity of seeing one of the finest and best cul 
 tivated parts of the country ; and a portion of the 
 most moral, as well as enlightened of the people. 
 And you have lost no time by the little excursion, 
 for I am credibly informed, such has been the 
 mortality at New-Orleans, that there is not a sin 
 gle human being left alive there. Nay, the very 
 dogs, cats, and parrots are extinct. You may as 
 well wait, therefore, till it is peopled again, which 
 will be very soon, for the folks in this country, 
 particularly the democrats, don t mind dying in 
 the summer, if they can only have a merry winter 
 before hand." Here our conversation was inter 
 rupted by a loud cry of " Help ! murder ! help !" 
 proceeding from an adjoining room. On running 
 in to see what was the matter, we found a son of 
 the landlord, (who by the way was a general,) about 
 eight years of age, had thrown his mother down 
 on the floor, and was beating, biting, scratching, 
 and mauling her in a dreadful manner, while the 
 general stood by laughing and clapping his hands 
 in ecstacy, every moment crying out, " That s it 
 3 
 
~0 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 that s my fine fellow ! he ll make a brave 
 republican !" Such are the first lessons of children 
 in this chosen land of bundling, gouging, drunken 
 ness, impertinence, impiety and, to sum up all 
 in one word, democracy. 
 
 Heaven be praised, thought I, the force of de 
 mocracy can go no further; but I was mistaken 
 with a vengeance. Just at this moment we had a 
 terrible explosion, which I at first thought was the 
 little Frenchman sneezing but it turned out, on 
 inquiry, to be something of a far different nature. 
 Though my heart sickens at the bare recital, I 
 shall give the story for the benefit of all the ad 
 mirers of democracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow of the name of Ramsbottom, a 
 man-milliner by trade, and a roaring patriot, had 
 taken offence at a neighbour, whose name was Hig- 
 ginbottom, because his wife had attempted to cheap 
 en a crimped tucker, and afterwards reported that 
 he sold his articles much dearer than his rival man- 
 milliner over the way, whose name was Winter- 
 bottom, and whose next door neighbour, one Odd y. 
 was Winterbottom s particular friend. In the pure 
 spirit of democracy, Ramsbottom determined to 
 dirk not only Higginbottom and his wife, and 
 Winterbottom, and Oddy, and their wives ; but 
 all the young Higginbottoms, Winter-bottoms.. 
 Oddys, and little Oddities. It was some years 
 before Ramsbottom could get them all together, 
 
 so as to make one job of it. At last he collect- 
 J 
 
 ed the whole party at his own house, to spend 
 
JOHN BULL rN AMERICA, 27 
 
 their Christmas eve, and determined to execute 
 his diabolical purpose. It appears, however, from 
 what followed, that he had previously changed his 
 mind as to the dirking, probably because it was 
 too much trouble, (for these democrats hate trou 
 ble above all things.) Just as they were up to the 
 eyes in a Christmas pye, the explosion took place 
 which I had just heard, and the whole party, Rams- 
 bottom, Higginbottom, Winterbottom, and Oddy, 
 together with their wives, and all the little Rams- 
 bottoms, Winterbottoms, Higginbottoms, Oddys 
 and Oddities were all blown into such small atoms, 
 that not a vestige of them was to be found. I saw 
 their bodies afterwards, all terribly mangled and 
 torn to pieces. Such is the intense and never- 
 dying spirit of vengeance, generated by the tur 
 bulent spirit of democracy, that the desperado, 
 Ramsbottom, it appears, did not scruple, like the 
 republican Samson of old, to pull down destruc 
 tion on himself, that he might be revenged on his 
 enemies. :-. 
 
CHAP. III. 
 
 Little Frenchman Treatment of Slaves Mode of baking saw 
 dust cakes Kitchen furniture Spirit of Democracy Apos 
 tropheMode of paying bills by the Yankees and French 
 Little Frenchman again Solitary inn Attempt to rob and 
 murder the author Bandit disguised as a stage-driver Ar 
 rival at Boston Gives the little Frenchman the slip. 
 
 IN order to get rid of the little Frenchman, with 
 his confounded mahogany face, gold ear-rings, and 
 dimity breeches, who seemed inclined to be im 
 pertinently jocular with my mistaking the way to 
 New-Orleans, I determined to say nothing, but 
 defer my journey a day longer. Accordingly I 
 apprized the landlord of my intention, and suffered 
 the stage to depart without me. With a view to 
 keep up my dignity, as well as to acquire all the - 
 information possible, in relation to the country, its 
 people, and manners, I determined to remain in 
 my room all day, take my meals in dignified re 
 tirement, and seize every opportunity of question 
 ing the waiter. From him I gathered many pre 
 cious items, concerning the blessed effects of the 
 turbulent spirit of democracy. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 29 
 
 He solemnly assured me, that all the servants 
 eat off the kitchen floor in these parts, which, in 
 stead of boards, is usually flored with mud, well 
 trodden by the pigs, which, in this land of equali 
 ty, are admitted to all the privileges of citizenship, 
 vote at elections, and, I believe, are eligible to 
 the highest offices, provided they are natural born 
 pigs. On my inquiry how they understood the 
 votes of these freeholders, he replied, that a grunt* 
 was always considered as a suffrage in favour of 
 the democratic ticket, and a squeak for the federal 
 or aristocratic party. Hence abundance of pains 
 is taken to teach the pigs either to grunt or squeal, 
 according as their owners belonged to one or other 
 party ; and many a vote was changed by certain 
 sly pinches of the pigs ears, as they were brought 
 up to give their suffrages. 
 
 The waiter further informed me, in the course 
 of my investigations into the kitchen, that the 
 poor servants, who are all blacks and slaves in this 
 part of the country, had neither beds nor covering 
 at night, but all pigged together in the same ashes, 
 where they often squabbled and fought all night, 
 either to get near a little live coal, or to keep each 
 other warm by exercise. As to food, one may 
 guess, as these vulgar democrats say one may 
 guess what that is, when I state on the informa 
 tion of the waiter, that the week before I came to 
 Portsmouth, in this very kitchen, a murder tt^as 
 committed by one gentleman of colour, on another, 
 in consequence of a dispute about the property of 
 3* 
 
30 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 a bone, which had been picked six days in succes 
 sion. The murderer at last seized the bone, hit 
 his adversary on the temple, and killed him instant* 
 ly; after which he buried him in the mud of the 
 kitchen, and sat himself quietly down to gnaw his 
 bone. The waiter further stated, that they were 
 allowed no cooking utensils, and Ufal the way they 
 generally baked their bread, which is altogether of 
 saw-dust, was to lie down at night with their feet 
 to the fire, on the soles of which they placed the 
 cake. They then go to sleep, and by the time the 
 cake begins to burn their feet so as to wake them, 
 it is done. This saw-dust bread is their chief food ; 
 but candour obliges me to state, that once in a great 
 while they are treated to a bit of spoiled codfish, 
 or tainted pork, which makes them almost run 
 road with ecstacy. Determined to make the most 
 of this meeting with such an intelligent fellow, I 
 continued to question him concerning the number 
 of pots, kettles, stew-pans, &c. in the kitchen - 
 their state, quality, and condition whether they 
 had any knives and forks allowed them, and if the 
 latter had three prongs ? Whether the little negroes 
 were taught their prayers ; and whether the pigs 
 were permitted to eat out of the same dish with 
 them ? Touching the pots and kettles, he assured 
 me> upon his honour, that there was but one pot, 
 with one ear, in the whole establishment; that the 
 kettle was still worse off than the pot, having had 
 no handle within the memory of man ; that the 
 only knife they had was half a stump of a blade, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 31 
 
 without edge or point, which, however, was rather 
 a lucky circumstance, since, as they were always 
 fighting at meals on account of the scarcity pre 
 vailing, they .would do mischief if they had knives ; 
 ^that, as to forks, it was the landlady s maxim that 
 fingers were made before knives and forks; that 
 the little people of colour were taught nothing but 
 swearing, and that the pigs always breakfasted 
 before them, on account of being considered free 
 holders, and entitled to vote. 
 
 In this way I gained mo^ insight into the na 
 ture of the turbulent spirit of democracy, than if I 
 had mixed with half the people of the town, and 
 asked as many questions as a Yankee democrat. 
 Indeed I had read in all our books of travels, that 
 these bundling, gouging republicans, although 
 they asked a dozen questions- in a minute, were 
 principled against answering any. This I was told 
 by the waiter, arose, in a great degree, from al 
 most every white man being generally in court a 
 dozen or twenty times a year, for some offence or 
 other, (principally that of murder,) by which 
 means they got a habit of being shy in answering 
 interrogatories. " But, " said I, at the conclusion 
 of my examination, " how does it happen that 
 you are so plump and well clad, if yourfellows are 
 thus naked and. starved ?" " Why," replied. the 
 fellow, showing his white teeth from ear to ear . 
 ;: Why, if master must know, 1 make a point of 
 helping myself out of the dishes, as I go in and out; 
 and my master keeps me well dressed, for the ho- 
 
32 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA- 
 
 nour of the house. " Alas! thought I to myself, 
 here is another proof of the demoralizing effects of 
 slavery ! This honest man is obliged to descend to 
 the degradation of rifling apple tarts, and embez 
 zling mouthfuls of mutton, to keep himself froin 
 starving! 0, Wilberforce! well mayest thou en 
 danger the lives of all the white people in the West 
 Indies, in thy attempts to benefit the blacks ! 0, 
 Buxton! well mayest thou be permitted to poison 
 half the people of London with thine execrable 
 small beer, in considgration of thy godlike philan 
 thropy ! And, 0, Betty Martin ! well mayest 
 thou be allowed to hunt, shoot, and hang up the 
 wild Irish, in consideration of thine eloquent 
 speeches in parliament, in behalf of brawned pigs, 
 crammed turkies, and plugged lobsters ! 
 
 In the evening I paid my bill, which seemed 
 rather to astonish the landlord, and in truth it was 
 a most swingeing one. At first I demurred but 
 upon the poor fellow assuring me he was obliged 
 to charge strangers, particularly Englishmen, tre 
 ble, and sometimes quadruple, to make up for the 
 losses sustained by his own countrymen, and the 
 Frenchmen, who generally went away without 
 paying at all, I paid him with the air cf an En 
 glish nobleman, expecting he would dub me My 
 Lord ; but he received the money with perfect in 
 difference, and did not even condescend to bow or 
 thank me. Such is the influence of the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy ! 
 
 In the morning, as usual in all parts of this 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 33 
 
 country, we set forth before daylight, so that I 
 could not see my fellow-passengers. Two reasons 
 combine to produce this republican custom of tra 
 velling before day, and after dark. In the first 
 place, it gives opportunity for robbing the stages, 
 the drivers and owners of which, as I am assured, 
 are, generally, in league with the bands of robbers 
 which infest all parts of this country, to the num 
 ber, sometimes, of two or three thousand in a band. 
 In the second place, as there is generally one or 
 two pick-pockets in every stage-coach, and forty 
 or fifty in every steam-boat, the darkness gives a 
 capital scope for the exercise of this fashionable 
 republican vocation. Aware of this, I always rode 
 with my hands in my pockets, and was now in 
 dulging in this salutary precaution, when a sudden 
 jolt of the jarvie brought my head in full contact 
 with the back of a passenger on the seat before 
 me. " Diable !" exclaimed a voice which seemed 
 to be familiar to me, and then all was silent again. 
 Not long after there exploded a sneeze which 
 shook the whole vehicle. "My G d !" ejacu 
 lated I, " I m sure I ve heard that sneeze before ; 
 it must be my little Frenchman !" But there was 
 no help for it now, and I determined to keep at 
 an awful distance. 
 
 Daylight showed the mahogany face, gold ear 
 rings, and dimity breeches of the little French 
 man, and by his side the communicative traveller. 
 All at once it occurred to my mind, that these two 
 
34 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 men were accomplices in some scheme for robbing 
 me. What confirmed me in the suspicion was, 
 the confounded civilities of the little Frenchman, 
 who expressed infinite pleasure on the occasion, 
 and offered me a pinch of snuff every two minutes. 
 " We thought we had lost you," said he, " and 
 were regretting the absence of such an agreeable 
 companion." I made no reply but by a stiff in 
 clination of the head, and continued with my hands 
 in my pockets, my pocket-book in one, and my 
 watch in the other. " Pray, Monsieur, what a 
 -clock is it?" said the Frenchman. Aha! thought 
 I, are you thereabouts ? So I told him my watch 
 had run down, and held it faster than ever. 
 
 This mode of disposing of my hands was very 
 inconvenient on these rough democratic roads, and 
 occasioned me to bounce about, to the no small an 
 noyance of these Jonathans, who threw out divers 
 unmannerly hints, which I treated with perfect 
 contempt. " He must have his pockets full of 
 guineas," said the little Frenchman in a whisper, 
 winking at the same time at the communicative 
 traveller. I understood all this perfectly, and 
 when we stopt to dine, managed to exhibit a neat 
 pair of hair triggers to these two worthies, who 
 exchanged very significant looks thereupon. " It 
 won t do," observed one to the other, in a des 
 ponding tone. 
 
 The house we put up at for the night was in a 
 lonely wood, at a distance of several miles from 
 any human habitation. The owls whooped, the 
 
JOHN BULL IX AMERICA. 35 
 
 wolves howled, the whippoorwills whistled, the 
 frogs croaked, the caty-dids did caty-did it, the 
 crickets chirped, and every sound seemed fraught 
 with melancholy thoughts and mournful anticipa 
 tions. During supper, and afterwards, I perceiv 
 ed an exchange of mysterious looks between the 
 Frenchman, his companion, the landlord, and hi- 
 wife, and detected them in various secret confer 
 ences. In one of these I overheard the landlady 
 say, in reply to some question of the communica 
 tive traveller, who seemed to be an old acquain 
 tance, " we killed him last night, poor old creature : 
 I was almost sorry for him." My blood ran cold 
 some poor old traveller, doubtless, thought I. 
 
 Having very little doubt but there was a plan to 
 rob and murder me in this lonely place, I deter 
 mined to defeat it by sitting up all night with a 
 pistol cocked in each hand, ready to defend my 
 self. In spite of the hints and questions, and en 
 treaties of tire landlord and his wife, I persevered 
 in my plan, although I was obliged to take to the 
 kitchen fire, under pretence that they were goinc; 
 to make up a bed for themselves in the room where 
 I was. In this situation I continued, a pistol rea=- 
 dy cocked in each hand, until, as I judge, about; 
 two or three o clock, when a door suddenly open 
 ed and a bandit cautiously entered with a dark lan 
 tern in his hand. Thinking there was no time to 
 be lost, I let fly at him, and he fell flat on his fac^ 
 bellowing murder with all his might. Immediate 
 ly there was a great stir ; the landlord, his witV-, 
 children, servants, the stage passengers, and lastly 
 
36 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 the little Frenchman and the communicative travel 
 ler bounced in, helter skelter, crying out " what s 
 the matter what s the matter ?" I stood with the 
 other pistol ready to fire, and bade them approach 
 at their peril. " Diable !" exclaimed the little 
 Frenchman, stooping down to examine the body, 
 " he has killed our driver." " Not exactly," 
 cried the fellow, jumping on his two legs as brisk 
 as a grasshopper " but if I don t have him up 
 before the justice for shooting at a fellow for only 
 coming in to light his lantern, to see to put toge 
 ther his horses, darn my soul." I insisted upon it, 
 he was a genuine bandit, and that he had come in 
 to the kitchen on purpose to rob and murder, or at 
 least keep me in custody till my friends paid my 
 ransom. But I found they were all in leaugue 
 against me, and was finally glad to compound with 
 the pretended stage-driver, by treating him to a 
 pint of whiskey. It is thus that strangers are al 
 ways served in this democratic paradise. They 
 must either sit still and be murdered by inches, or 
 pay a composition for defending themselves. To 
 carry on the deception, the fellow with a dark lan 
 tern was actually mounted on the coach box, with 
 a view, I suppose, of making a more successful at 
 tempt the next night. But in this he was disap 
 pointed, for the moment we got to Boston, I took 
 my portmanteau under my arm, darted round a 
 corner, and hid myself in a remote part of the city. 
 In my retreat I heard the little Frenchman ex 
 claim, " Diable ! this is what you call taking 
 French leave, I think." 
 
37 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 The author congratulates himself on having got rid of the little 
 Frenchman Is in danger of being twice robbed and murdered 
 Neglect of common decency in taverns and steam-boats 
 No knives and forks Dirty hands and faces Astonishing- 
 number of people with one eye, or two black eyes Expla 
 nation of Governor Hancock Gouging Spirit of Democracy 
 Leaves Boston Passes through Ohio, Alabama, and Con 
 necticut Attempt to rob the mail on Sunday by a foot-pad, 
 who turns out to be a deacon of the church Amusements of 
 tire people Holy Alliance Bellows Falls Steam-boats in 
 vented by Dr. Isaac Watts, who wrote the book of Psalms 
 Ignorance of the Yankees of the points of the compass Their 
 mode of navigation Little Frenchman again Mode of decid 
 ing elections Rudeness of boatmen and captain Attempt of 
 the little Frenchman to rob the author. 
 
 " THANK heaven, " said I, " Pve got rid of the 
 little Frenchman, the bandit, and his whole crew," 
 as I seated myself snugly in the quiet retreat of a 
 hotel in a remote part of the city. I slept pretty 
 soundly that night, with the exception of two at 
 tempts to rob and murder me, one by a person who 
 opened my door, but who seeing the barking iron, 
 shrunk back and pretended to have mistaken the 
 4 
 
38 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 room ; the other by the chamber-maid, who came 
 in after I had gone to bed, with an excuse that she 
 had forgot to put water in my pitcher. By the 
 way nothing can equal the neglect of these turbu 
 lent democrats in all the common decencies of life, 
 particularly washing their hands and faces. On 
 board the steam-boats, where there are perhaps a 
 hundred people, one does not see above two or 
 three washing themselves of a morning. As they 
 use no knives and forks, either for want of know 
 ing their uses, or for fear the passengers would 
 steal them, it is easy to conceive the disgust an 
 Englishman must feel at seeing them diving in the 
 dishes with their filthy fingers. Another charac 
 teristic feature of these people is, that more than 
 one half of them want an eye, and those that hap 
 pen to have two, generally exhibit a black ring 
 round one or both. On inquiring into the cause 
 of this peculiarity, I was told by his excellency, 
 Governor Hancock, that men, women, and chil 
 dren, were so given to fighting and gouging, that 
 it was next to a miracle to see one of them with 
 out the want of an eye, or at least a pair of black 
 eyes, which is reckoned a great beauty in these 
 parts. So much for the turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy, thought I to myself. 
 
 Having staid three days to give the little French 
 man, the bandit, and the rest of them a fair start, 
 I thought I might safely proceed on to the south : 
 accordingly I took passage in a stage and departed 
 the fourth morning, as usual, before day-light, for 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 39 
 
 Vhe convenience of being robbed and murdered on 
 the way. This happens generally about three 
 times a week ; but it is in the true spirit of demo 
 cracy to sport with property and life. Our road 
 carried us through the states of Ohio, Alabama, 
 and Connecticut, among the people of steady 
 habits, as they are denominated. All I can say is, 
 that the sooner they change these steady habits the 
 better, for it will hardly be believed, that we had 
 scarcely entered the confines of Connecticut, the 
 very centre of steady habits, when, although it 
 was Sunday, (a sufficient reason for deterring any 
 Christian highwayman,) we were stopt by a foot 
 pad, who demanded money with as little com 
 punction as a he-wolf. Upon my showing my 
 pistols, however, he sheered off, and the driver 
 whipping up his horses at the moment, we lucki 
 ly escaped this time. The incident of a single 
 foot-pad attempting thus to rob a whole stage-load 
 of people, furnishes another proof of the fact, that 
 stage-drivers and stage-owners, not to say a majo 
 rity of stage passengers, are accomplices of these 
 bands of robbers. Had it not been for my pistols, 
 we should all have been robbed to a certainty, and 
 most probably the rest of the passengers would 
 have shared my spoils. What exhibits the turbu 
 lent and impious spirit of democracy in all its 
 turpitude, is the fact that the driver, after getting 
 fairly out of sight, turned round to the passengers 
 with a grin, and exclaimed, "I guess I ve distan 
 ced the deacon." So that this foot-pad was one of 
 She pillars of the church ! 
 
40 JOHN BULL JN AMERICA. 
 
 I have nothing to add in addition to these dis 
 gusting details, except that as far as my sight could 
 reach on either side of the road, I could see nobody 
 at work but the poor gentlemen of colour, half- 
 clothed, as usual. The white people were for the 
 most part employed in getting drunk at the taverns, 
 running horses, fighting cocks, or gouging one 
 another s eyes out the women sitting along the 
 road, chewing tobacco, and spitting in the faces of 
 passers by ; and the little boys and girls were pret 
 ty much engaged in beating their parents. To 
 vary these amusements, they sometimes made a 
 party to hunt a little naked negro with their dogs, 
 which I observed were all blood-hounds. My 
 heart bled to see these cruel mastiffs, less cruel in 
 deed than the turbulent spirit of democracy, tug 
 ging at their naked haunches, and I could not help 
 invoking the philanthropic genius of the holy alli 
 ance to interfere in behalf of these oppressed be 
 ings. 
 
 About five in the afternoon we arrived at Bel 
 lows Falls, at the mouth of the Ohio, where I em 
 barked in the steam-boat for New- York. These 
 steam-boats, all the world knows, were invented 
 by Isaac Watts, who wrote the book of Psalms. 
 Yet the spirit of democracy, as usual, has claimed 
 the honour for one Moulton, or Fulton, I forget 
 which ; although it is a notorious fact, that Isaac 
 Watts died before this Fulton was born. This 
 settles the question. But there is no stopping the 
 mouth of a genuine democrat. Our course lay 
 
JOHN DULL IN AMERICA. 41 
 
 upon a river which the Yankees call the East riv 
 er, although, to my certain knowledge, it runs di 
 rectly west. But it would be tasking tke ignorant 
 spirit of democracy too much to suppose its vota 
 ries could possibly tell the points of the compass. 
 Indeed I was credibly informed, that their most 
 experienced navigators universally judge of their 
 course within soundings by the colour of the mud 
 or sand, which adheres to the lead, and when this 
 fails them, trust to Providence. 
 
 While sitting in a state of indolent and contemp 
 tuous abstraction, with my back to as many of the 
 company as possible, I was roused by a sneeze, 
 that I could have sworn to in any part of the 
 
 world. < It is the c d little Frenchman ! Here s 
 
 Monsieur Tonson come again!" I would as soon 
 have heard the last trumpet as this infernal explo 
 sion. In a few minutes he espied me, and coming 
 up with the most provoking expression of old ac 
 quaintanceship, offered me a pinch of snuff " Ah ! 
 Monsieur, I am so happy ! Diable! my friend 
 and I thought we had lost our agreeable compa 
 nion; 7 and, thereupon, he made me a delectable 
 low French bow, that brought his long nose with 
 in an inch of the deck he then left me for a mo 
 ment, and returned with his friend, the veritable 
 communicative traveller, who had the insolence 
 to claim acquaintance, from having travelled a few 
 days in the same stage with me. A good sample 
 of the forward, impudent spirit of democracy ! I 
 expected every moment to see the great bandit with, 
 
42 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 his dark lantern, to complete the trio, but for some 
 reason or other he didn t make his appearance. 
 u Ah! Monsieur," cried the little Frenchman, 
 " you don t know how we have missed your agree 
 able society. Diable ! we have not had a good 
 laugh since we parted." Then he offered me a 
 pinch of snuff, a civility which he repeated at least 
 a hundred times, in the course of the day, though 
 I always declined it in the most dignified and con 
 temptuous manner. 
 
 Disgusted with every thing I saw, and most es~ 
 pecially with this rencontre, I determined to mor 
 tify these free and easy gentry, by taking not the 
 least notice of any person whatever, and going 
 without my dinner, on purpose to spite them. Ma 
 ny of the women looked hard at me, with an 
 evident desire to be taken notice of; but I always 
 turned my head away, resolved to have nothing to 
 say to them. Several persons also came round, 
 and made attempts to engage me in conversation^ 
 but I answered them in monosyllables, and they 
 went away whistling, to hide their mortification. 
 My contempt for the little Frenchman increased 
 every moment, by observing the pains he took to 
 be agreeable. He talked, laughed, bowed, offered 
 his box to every one that came in his way, and 
 complimented the women, till all were delighted 
 with him, and he seemed as much at home as if he 
 had been born and brought up among them. Des 
 picable subserviency! contemptible, hypocrisy ! to 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 43 
 
 pretend to be pleased with these scum of demo 
 cracy. 
 
 When the dinner-bell rang I remained on deck, 
 until one of the waiters came up to tell me dinner 
 was ready. I took no notice of him. In a few 
 minutes the little Frenchman assailed me. " Is 
 Monsieur ill?" "No!" said I. "No? Eh bien- 
 what is the matter? Ah! I guess, as these Yan 
 kees say. If Monsieur has no money, never mind, 
 I will pay for his dinner. Come, come." I re 
 plied in great, wrath to this infernal mistake, upon 
 which he went down, and as I afterwards learned, 
 proposed a subscription for a poor passenger, who 
 was obliged to go without his dinner, for want of 
 money to pay for it. One may judge of the hu 
 manity of these people, from the fact that not one 
 of them contributed a cent. One woman turned 
 up her nose, and exclaimed, " Marry come up 
 I thought as much ; pride and poverty generally go 
 together." Another declared she^yould not give 
 a pin, to save such a rude humgruffian from starv 
 ing; and a third pronounced me a strolling player 
 out of employ. The communicative traveller, on 
 coming up after dinner, endeavoured to comfort 
 me for the loss of my meal, by observing I had not 
 missed much by it. " There is nothing but snatch 
 ing and quarrelling for the favourite bits, and the 
 ladies did nothing but scold and pull caps. Then 
 it is, just as likely as not, you would have been 
 seated between two greasy engine men in red flan 
 
44 JOHN BULL IN AMEIUCA. 
 
 nel shirts, one a negro perhaps, (for they all dine 
 together,) who would have made no scruple of 
 gouging one of your eyes out, if you had happen 
 ed to get possession of one of their tit-bits. You 
 were well out of the scrape." Glorious spirit of 
 democracy, thought I to myself. 
 
 Towards evening the boat stopped at a place 
 called the city of Annapolis. Every thing is a city 
 here. A blacksmith s shop, with a church, and a 
 pig-sty, is a city, and must have its corporation, 
 if it be ouly that the spirit of democracy may revel 
 in. a little brief authority. An office of any kind 
 is their darling, and a whole state will be convuls 
 ed about the election of a constable. These elec 
 tions are generally carried in the last resort by the 
 cudgel and gouging ; and I am assured that the 
 number of one-eyed people, and people with black 
 lings round their eyes, is generally doubled by 
 one of these struggles of principle. As we ap 
 proached the*-wharf, I was standing among a coil 
 of ropes, with my back towards the great city, 
 when one of these sticklers for equality, in a red 
 flannel shirt, came up and desired me to move out 
 of the way. The fellow was civil enough, for 
 that matter, but I only answered his impertinent 
 .intrusion with a look of withering contempt. 
 Upon this, he gathered a part of the rope in coils, 
 ih. his right hand, and when we were ten or a do- 
 2*n yards from the wharf, threw it with all his 
 force, with a design to knock a person down, who 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 45 
 
 stood there. But the chap was too dexterous for 
 him, and caught the end of the rope in his hands,, 
 which he immediately fastened to a post. The 
 whole brunt of this Yankee joke fell upon me, for 
 my feet being entangled in the end of the rope 
 thus thrown, it tripped up my heels and laid me 
 sprawling on the deck. The little Frenchman of 
 ficiously helped me up, and offered me a pinch of 
 snuff, by way of comfort ; but as for the democratic 
 gentry, they seemed rather to enjoy the thing, and 
 if the truth was known, I dare say were at the 
 bottom of the joke. I cursed the fellow heartily ; 
 but he coolly answered " Twas your own fault ; 
 I asked you to get out of the way." So much for 
 the turbulent spirit of democracy. 
 
 I stept ashore, to escape the giggling of these 
 polite republicans, and rambled to the distance of 
 a couple of hundred yards. While here, I heard 
 a bell toll, and then a hallooing, and saw them 
 making signals for me to come on board ; but I 
 was determined to treat them all with silent con 
 tempt, and continued my walk in a direction the 
 other way. The shouting continued, and I don t 
 know how far I might have strolled, if I had not 
 been suddenly roused by the noise of the boat s 
 wheels. Turning round, I found the vessel was 
 fairly under way ; whereupon I condescended to 
 run and halloo as hard as I could bawl. After some 
 little delay the wheels were stopped, and a boat 
 sent off to take me on board, where, instead of 
 
46 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA* 
 
 making an apology, the brute of a captain told me 
 I deserved to have been left behind. " If it had 
 not been for the persuasions of your friend," point 
 ing to the little Frenchman, " you might have 
 staid ashore till next trip, and welcome." " My 
 friend," exclaimed I, turning to the officious little 
 mahogany man with a look of withering contempt, 
 which he returned by offering his box, and assur 
 ing me he would not have lost my charming so 
 ciety for the world. These persevering civilities 
 on his part, and especially this last impertinent 
 interference, confirmed me in my suspicions, that 
 there was a deep-laid plan to rob and murder me 
 the first convenient opportunity. What added 
 weight to these apprehensions, was the fact of my 
 continually detecting him and his companion, the 
 communicative traveller, conferring together eve 
 ry now and then, with divers shrugs on the part 
 of the Frenchman, and significant smiles on that 
 of his friend. 
 
 When we came to draw lots for our births, it 
 was so managed by the captain, (who was no doubt 
 an accomplice,) that I drew a birth in a remote 
 part of the vessel, forward. But, owing to some 
 failure in the plot, the little Frenchman and his 
 companion, both drew births in the after cabin, 
 which I perceived disconcerted them not a little. 
 35ut they soon rectified the mistake ; for upon the 
 complaints of two feeble old gentlemen, that they 
 should find it fatiguing to go into the forward ca- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 47 
 
 bin, the Frenchman seized the pretext, and with 
 one of his confounded low bows, offered his birth 
 to one of the cripples, while his companion did 
 the same to the other. I saw through all this, and 
 determined to play them a trick, by lying awake 
 all night, to watch them, with my pistols ready, 
 
 Late in the night, and when all the lights were 
 out, I heard somebody get out of a birth on the 
 opposite side where the little Frenchman slept. 
 The person went upon deck, and after staying a 
 minute or two, groped his way down again, and 
 cautiously approached where I lay, with my pis* 
 tol cocked. Presently he laid his hand upon my 
 throat, doubtless with an intent J;o choak me first, 
 and rob me afterwards, at leisure. At this instant 
 I fired my pistol, just as the little Frenchman ejacu 
 lated, in a whisper, " Diable ! I am, lost!" Con 
 fusion reigned, lights were brought, aiuVthe whtffc 
 affair was disclosed. I solemnly charged the lit 
 tle Frenchman, who had escaped my shot, with 
 an attempt to rob and murder me ; while he as so 
 lemnly asseverated, that he had got up upon a ne 
 cessary occasion, and, on his return, took the right 
 hand instead of the left, by which means he had 
 encountered my birth instead of his own, which 
 was directly opposite. The passengers, captaiu 
 and all, being, without doubt, accomplices in this 
 attempt, sided with the Frenchman ; believed 
 every word he said, and gravely advised me to 
 take care how I fired pistols in the cabin of a steam 
 boat. This was all the satisfaction I got for this 
 
48 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 nefarious attempt. The little Frenchman even 
 had the assurance to play the injured party, and 
 actually offered to forget and forgive. " It was all 
 a mistake," said he, " and let us think no morfe 
 of it." So he offered me a pinch of snuff, which 
 I rejecte^ with dignified contempt. 
 
49 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Frogs-Neck Bull-Frogs Hell-Gate Impious spirit of demo 
 cracy Mode of passing Hell-Gate Fondness of the Yankees 
 for dying accounted for Dutch courage Mr. Robert James 
 Country seats Sandy-Hook Navy-Yard, &,c. Little French 
 man Author takes lodgings with a gentleman of colour at the 
 Hotel des Huilres Bill of exchange Unprincipled behaviour 
 of the Yankee merchant Quarterly Review Description of 
 New- York Basis of republicanism Agrarian Law Quarter 
 ly Classification of the citizens of NewYork Extensive cir 
 culation of the Quarterly Review Gratitude of the people of 
 iolour Beggarly pride of republicanism Propensity to thiev 
 ing among the higher classes Picture of the manners and 
 morals of the people, drawn by the landlord Quantity of flies 
 and moschetoes Law against killing spiders Little French 
 
 ABOUT daylight I was roused by a most horrible 
 noise, which resembled nothing I had ever heard 
 before. On going upon deck, I perceived the 
 whole surface of the water, as far as the eye could 
 reach, covered with immense bull-frogs, who leapt 
 and croaked, to the infinite delight of these taste 
 ful democrats, who were all gathered together to 
 hear this charming concert, which they would pre- 
 5 
 
50 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 fer to the commemoration of Handel. Some of thr 
 largest of these frogs actually jumped upon deck^ 
 and a canoe alongside was nearly upset by three 
 or four of them clambering up its sides, at one and 
 the same time. The place is called Frog s-Neck. 
 and never was there a spot more aptly named. 
 There is a little settlement near this, called New- 
 Rochelle, peopled by Frenchmen, who were doubt- 
 less attracted by the frogs. But such is the ardour 
 of these refined republicans, for this species of mu 
 sic, that the legislature has enacted a law, making 
 it death to kill one of these delightful musicians. 
 To kill a man here is a trifle but to kill a frog is 
 capital ! 
 
 Shortly after leaving Frogs-Neck, we came to 
 the famous pass of Hell-Gate, as it is impiously 
 called by the profane spirit of democracy. It is 
 the Scilly and Charybdis of the new world, and 
 nothing but the special protection of Providence 
 can account for the few deliverances that happen 
 to these reckless republicans in passing it, which 
 they do every hour of the day and night. As soon 
 as they begin to distinguish its roaring, which can 
 be heard at a distance of thirty miles, except when 
 the frog concert intervenes, all hands, captain, pi 
 lot, and the rest, set to and drink apple brandy, 
 or whiskey, so that by the time they come to the 
 Hog s Back, they are as drunk as swine. They 
 then lie down flat on their faces and let the vessel 
 take her course. This preparatory tippling is 
 what they impiously call receiving " extreme 
 
JOHN DULL IN AMERICA. 51 
 
 unction," and preparing for death, which the com 
 municative traveller assured me not more than one 
 out of three escaped on an average. I could not 
 help expressing my wonder, that these people 
 should thus recklessly sport with their lives. " 0, 
 4is to that," replied he, " what with the curse of 
 democracy, the grinding oppressions of unre 
 strained liberty, together with the total insecurity 
 of property under mob law ; and the total in 
 security of person, in consequence of the uni 
 versal practice of robbery and murder, of which 
 you have had ample experience, I say, what with 
 all this, ninety- nine in a hundred of these, my 
 wretched countrymen, would as soon die as not, 
 and some of them a great deal rather, only to es 
 cape the blessings of democracy/ " But/ said 
 I, "\vhy don t these miserable creatures say their 
 prayers, and make some little preparation to die 
 like Christians, instead of thus beastifying them 
 selves?" " 0," answered he, with a coolness that 
 made me shudder, " this is what we call Dutch 
 courage; and I assure you, upon my credit, that I 
 never knew a genuine brother Jonathan who could 
 be brought to face an enemy, or die with decency, 
 unless he had his SKIN full of whiskey, and was 
 well ( corned, as we say. This was the way in 
 which we gained all our victories last war both by 
 sea and land." Good, thought I, here is the tes 
 timony of one of their own countrymen. Mr. 
 James shall add this to his apologies for Blue and 
 Buff, in his next edition. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 This conversation happened after safely passing- 
 this tremendous strait, which we did as it were by 
 miracle. Betwixt this and New- York, the com 
 municative traveller pointed out to me some two 
 or three of what he called magnificent country seats, 
 which seemed to me about the size of a pigeon- 
 house. I took no notice of him or them, but af 
 fected to be in a fit of abstraction, with my eyes 
 fixed on vacancy. Turning the point of Sandy- 
 Hooli, we came in full sight of the city, its bay, 
 and islands. I saw that several of these people 
 were watching to detect in me some symptoms of 
 surprise or admiration, so I resolved to disappoint 
 them, and turned my back to the city, keeping 
 my eyes fixed on the opposite shore. The com 
 municative traveller, supposing I was looking at 
 the Navy- Yard, where several large ships were 
 lying, observed : " That is the Cyane, near the 
 red store. Or perhaps you mean the other that 
 is the Macedonian or perhaps you mean the one 
 next her that is ." I could stand it no lon 
 ger, but was fain to turn round and look at their 
 detestable city. 
 
 When we came near the wharf, the little French 
 man came up to me with a low bow and the offer 
 of his box as usual. " I hope Monsieur, my friend 
 and myself shall take lodgings together. As we 
 are strangers in a strange place, His pity we should 
 part. I assure you I shall not rob Monsieur, 
 said he, with an impertinent, significant smile. 
 I told him at last I should lodge that night on 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 53 
 
 board, and depart the next day in the same boat 
 I came. " What !" replied he, " is Monsieur 
 going to New-Orleans again ? But in truth we are 
 sorry to lose your very agreeable company, Mon 
 sieur, and hope we shall meet again when you 
 come back from New-Orleans." So saying, he 
 bowed profoundly low and departed, accompanied 
 by his friend, and .by my most devout wishes ne 
 ver to set eyes upon either of them again. 
 
 Desirous to avoid any public attentions, anjd 
 most especially to escape the honour of being made 
 a citizen of New-York, which the corporation in 
 sist upon bestowing upon every stranger of distinc 
 tion, in order to add some little respectability to 
 their sty of democracy, I took a private lodging 
 with a respectable man of colour who kept the 
 Hotel des Huitres in Water-street. According to 
 the fashionable London mode, I intended to direct 
 all those who asked my address, to the City Hotel, 
 where there is generally such a concourse of people 
 that the bar-keeper never knows the names of half 
 the boarders. My first business after taking pos 
 session of my lodgings, was to present a bill of ex 
 change, drawn on one of the most respectable mer 
 chants here, (if such a term can be applied to a 
 Yankee peddler,) by one of our first London bank 
 ers. 
 
 I found him in his counting-room with a jug, 
 
 as I presume of whiskey, at his side, and pretty 
 
 well " corned, 7 as the communicative traveller 
 
 says, though it was hardly nine o clock. He re- 
 
 5* 
 
34 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ceived me with a sort of bear-like republican civi 
 lity, which I ascribed to the awe in which they 
 stand of Englishmen, to whom they are one and 
 all indebted more than they ever mean to pay. 
 He read my letter, looked very deliberately at the 
 bill of exchange, then folding them both up care 
 fully, offered them to me. " Is it convenient 
 for you," said I, " to cash the bill at once ?" 
 ie No sir, not very convenient." " I suppose, 
 then, I must be content with your acceptance at 
 the usual sight." "My good friend, I don t mean 
 to accept it, I assure you." " No, sir?" said I, 
 bristling up, for 1 began to suspect some Yankee 
 trick " and pray may I take the liberty of asking 
 the reason of this extraordinary conduct?" "Cer 
 tainly. The banker who drew this bill, by my last 
 advices is a bankrupt and a swindler. He has no 
 effects in my hands, nor is he ever likely to have. 
 I am sorry for your disappointment, but I cannot 
 accept your bill of exchange." I snatched the let 
 ter out of his hand and hurried out of the room, 
 and my disappointment was almost balanced by the 
 pleasure I felt at this early confirmation of my im 
 pressions with regard to the character of these 
 republican merchants, who I was satisfied, from 
 reading the Quarterly Review, never paid a debt 
 of any kind, there beingj no law in this country to 
 oblige them. I had no doubt but the story of the 
 drawer of my bill, (no less a man than Mr. Hen 
 ry Fauntleroy, who keeps two mistresses, and 
 three splendid establishments,) being a bankrupt 
 and swindler, was a fabrication, invented to evade 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 55 
 
 (he payment. Such is the universal practice here, 
 and thus is the reputation of half the merchants of 
 Britain ruined in this country. The genuine re 
 publican merchant never stops payment and com 
 pounds with his creditors, (which they generally 
 do twice or thrice a year,) without putting it all 
 upon his correspondents in England, who are, in 
 fact, always the greatest sufferers. This story 
 they all make a point of believing, because they 
 are all, or soon expect to be, in the same predica 
 ment. It is a proof of the generous credulity of 
 honest John Bull that he still continues to trust, 
 and be cheated by the turbulent spirit of democ 
 racy, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 Relating (he story of my disappointment to my 
 worthy landlord, I thought he looked rather shy, 
 as if he expected it to be the prelude to a long 
 score. But I at once satisfied his doubts by show 
 ing him a few guineas, to convince him I had 
 other resources, and telling him I always paid my 
 bill every Saturday night. He then resumed his 
 confidence, and proceeded to let me into the se 
 crets of this unprincipled and profligate city, 
 which being the general rendezvous of people from 
 all parts of this puissant and polished republic, (as 
 the Quarterly calls it,) presents at one view a pic 
 ture of* the blessings of pure and undefiled demo 
 cracy. That my readers may have the clearer- 
 idea of a genuine republican city, I shall be more 
 particular in my description, especially as this is 
 
56 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 considered as the very pink of all the cities of the 
 new world. 
 
 New-York, the capital of the state of New-Jer 
 sey, so called from being originally settled b y 
 Yorkshire horse jockies, is situated on the main 
 land, between two rivers, about the size of the 
 Thames, though not quite so large, that being un 
 questionably the greatest river in the world. That 
 on the east they call the north, and that on the 
 west, the east river, by a very pardonable blunder, 
 as it would be taxing the spirit of democracy too 
 severely to preserve the least acquaintance with 
 such aristocratic trumpery as the points of the 
 compass. The blessings of ignorance, constitute 
 the basis of republicanism, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 Most of the houses are built of pine boards, and 
 generally about half finished, the owners for the 
 most part stopping payment before the work is 
 completed. There is a great appearance of bustle, 
 but very little business in fact, as the spirit of de 
 mocracy impels these people to make a great 
 noise about nothing. To see one of their peddling 
 merchants staring about in Wall-street, one would 
 suppose he was overwhelmed with the most mo 
 mentous affairs, when, if the truth was known, his 
 whole morning s business consisted in purchasing a 
 dozen birch brooms, or a pound of wafers. There 
 is also a great appearance of building here, but thL 
 is partly owing to the necessity of new house s tt> 
 replace the old ones, which generally tumble to 
 
, JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 57 
 
 pieces at the end of three or four years, and partly- 
 owing to the inveterate habit of emigration charac 
 teristic of the restless spirit of democracy, which 
 prevents the people remaining long in one place. 
 Hence they are perpetually on the move from one 
 part of the city to another. Sometimes whole 
 streets are deserted in this way, and then as new 
 buildings become necessary, the cry of these re 
 publican braggarts, as the Quarterly calls them, is 
 about the number of houses building, and the vast 
 increase of the city. Sometimes they pull down 
 a street and build it up again, merely to impose 
 upon strangers an idea of its prosperity, and attract 
 emigrants from England, although those who have 
 been weak enough to come hither for the last six 
 or eight years, are, with the exception of a few, 
 sent home by the British Consul, every soul of 
 them on the parish. 
 
 The people of New- York may be divided into 
 three classes, those that beg, those that borrow, 
 and those that steal. Not unfrequently, however, 
 all these professions are united in one person, as 
 they are a very ingenious people, and almost every 
 man is a sort of Jack-of-all-trades. The beggars 
 constitute about one third of the population, and 
 are supported with great liberality by the other 
 two classes, who remembering that charity covers 
 x multitude of sins, make use of its broad mantle 
 in this way, and upon the strength of their alms, 
 claim the privilege of borrowing without ever in 
 tending to pay, and robbing Peter to give away to 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Paul. One of the most popular preachers here is 
 a most notorious gambler, but, at the same time, 
 is considered little less than a saint, because he 
 professes to give all his winnings to the poor. 
 Another person, an alderman, generally breaks 
 into a neighbour s house every night, but as he 
 gives away all his plunder in alms, he is one of the 
 most popular men in the city. Another, who is a 
 judge of the court, generally manages to pick the 
 pockets of both the parties in a suit, and the jury 
 think themselves lucky to escape ; yet he is ador 
 ed for his liberality, and the beggars who all vote 
 like the pigs, talk of running him for the next 
 governor. 
 
 The borrowers consist of the most fashionable 
 portion of the community, the people who give 
 parties, ride in their coaches, and hold their heads 
 considerably higher than the beggars. The most 
 approved mode of practising this thriving business 
 is this : A gentleman gives a grand entertainment 
 to a select number of friends, each of whom he 
 manages to intercept as they go out, and make 
 them pay pretty handsomely for dinner in the 
 shape of a loan. When one set gets tired, he i- 
 vites another, and so on till his debts amount to 
 sufficient to make it worth while, when he affects 
 to stop payment, as he calls it, though he never 
 began yet ; takes the benefit of the laws for encou 
 raging debt and extravagance, and on the score of 
 his numerous charities, is generally recommended 
 for some public office. This is the last resort of 
 
JOtfN BULL IN AMERICA. 5$ 
 
 rogues, in this pure republican system, as the 
 Quarterly affirms. My landlord, the gentleman of 
 colour, who was in the habit of waiting at many 
 of these great dinners, assured me he did not re 
 collect but a single instance in which the guests 
 escaped paying the piper in this way, when the en 
 tertainer let them off, in consequence of having 
 picked their pockets at table. I asked him how 
 it happened that the guests did not resent or com 
 plain of this treatment. u 0," replied he, "his 
 diamond cut diamond every one has his turn, 
 and it amounts to an equal division of property in 
 the end a republican Agrarian law, as the Quar 
 terly says." "What, do you read the Quarterly ?" 
 said I. "0 yes ; we all read Massa Quarterly; 
 he loves us people of colour so much." He further 
 assured me the people of colour had it one time in 
 contemplation to send out half a dozen of their 
 prettiest ebony lasses to England, that the gentle 
 men of the Quarterly might have their choice of 
 them for wives. But the. ladies of colour, having 
 been persuaded by some of the white belles of fash 
 ion, who envied their high destinies, that all these 
 gentlemen lived in Grub-street, one of (he most 
 ungenteel places in all London, turned up their 
 pretty pug noses, and demurred to the proposition. 
 I was delighted at this information, which not 
 only proved the extensive circulation of this valu 
 able Review, but like wise the gratitude of the peo 
 ple of colour for the exertions of its conductors in 
 their behalf. It is enough to make the eye of phi* 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 lanthrophy water to hear as I have done that such 
 is the pride of these beggarly republicans, that 
 they will not admit a gentleman or lady of colour 
 to any intimacy of association, insomuch that it is 
 considered a disgrace to enter into a matrimonial 
 connexion with them ! This is another beautiful 
 illustration of the beggarly pride of these upstart 
 republicans, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 The class of pick-pockets, shop-lifters, and 
 thieves of all sorts, is probably the most nume 
 rous of the whole community. Nobody ventures 
 to carry money in his pocket, and when the la 
 dies go out shopping, they always hold their 
 purses in their hands. Even this is no security, 
 for it generally happens that they are snatchexl 
 away before they have gone a hundred yards. 
 One of the shop-keepers here assured me it seldom 
 happened that a lady came into his shop without 
 pocketing a piece of lace, a pair of gloves, or some 
 thing of the kind, provided they could not get at 
 the till. It is the universal practice to search them 
 before they depart ; and from long habit they sub 
 mit to this as quietly as lambs. Plenty of compa 
 ny to keep them in countenance, and long habit 
 renders them indifferent to discovery, as the shop 
 man assured me. Two or three ladies came in 
 meanwhile, and were suffered to go away without 
 being searched by the shopman, who, as I found 
 to my cost afterwards, was all this while busily 
 employed in emptying my pockets. Yet, for all 
 this, do these bragging republicans boast that it is 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 61 
 
 unnecessary for the country people to lock their 
 doors at night. My landlord assured me that 
 this was the fact, but that it arose from the con 
 viction that locking them would be of no service, 
 every rnan being exceedingly expert in picking 
 locks, both from education and habit. 
 
 " The consequence of all this/ continued the 
 worthy gentleman of colour, " is a general, I may 
 say irremediable relaxation of manners, and a to 
 tal want of prudence and principle in all classes. 
 Drunkenness, impiety, insolence, extravagance, 
 ignorance, brutality, gluttony, and every vice that 
 can disgrace human nature, are the ordinary cha 
 racteristics of these spawn of filthy democracy, as 
 the -Quarterly says; and if there be any thing in 
 which these people are not utterly detestable, it 
 is their fondness for oysters, which enables me to 
 get a tolerable livelihood. This fondness is sharp 
 ened by the exquisite relish of breaking the laws at 
 the same time that they gratify their appetites the 
 corporation of the city, for the purpose of mono 
 polizing, having enacted that no oysters shall be 
 brought to market but what they eat themselves. 7 
 Nothing, indeed, can equal the tyranny of the laws 
 in this country ; nor would it be possible to live 
 under them, did not the turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy compound for itself, by breaking them all 
 without ceremony. 
 
 It is another consequence of the relaxation of 
 morals among these virtuous republicans, that the 
 relaxation of the laws, is in proportion to the re- 
 
62 JOHN BULt IN AMERICA. 
 
 laxation of morals, as the Quarterly says. To such 
 an extent has this been carried, that these people 
 may be said to have no laws at all. All sorts of 
 crimes are here committed with perfect impunity ; 
 and it is a common saying, that it requires more 
 interest to be hanged, than to attain to the highest 
 dignity of the republic. Drunkenness is here the 
 usual and infallible apology for crime ; and as the 
 mass of the people are usually corned, as my friend 
 the communicative traveller says, this excuse is 
 seldom out of place. But what puzzled me, after 
 seeing all this, was, that the jails, bridewells, and 
 penitentiaries, which abound in almost every street, 
 were full of people. My worthy landlord, how 
 ever, explained this to my satisfaction, by assuring 
 me that such was the abject poverty and consequent 
 misery of a large portion of these patent republi 
 cans, (as the Quarterly says,) that they actually 
 broke into these receptacles by force, being certain 
 of getting board and lodging for nothing. 
 
 I was struck with the quantity of flies and mos- 
 chetoes that infest the streets and houses all the 
 year round, and fly into one s nose and ears at eve 
 ry convenient opportunity, where the latter sing 
 most melodiously. To remedy this intolerable 
 grievance, there is luckily a species of spider 
 which spins its web across the opening of the ear, 
 in which these insects are caught. It is no uncom 
 mon thing to see half a dozen or more flies and 
 moschetoes dangling in the ear of a fine lady. 
 There is a law to prevent the destruction of these 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 63 
 
 spiders, as there is against killing the turkey-buz 
 zards, which abound here, and are the only street 
 scavengers, if we except the citizen pig freeholders, 
 as the Quarterly calls them. 
 
64 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 NEW-YORK. 
 
 Total absence of religion Indivisibility of a king and a divinity, 
 and of democracy and impiety Examples of the Puritans and 
 Charles the Second Necessity of wealth, honours, and exclu 
 sive privileges, to the very existence of religion Quarterly 
 Barbarous love of finery Mode of procuring it Ignorance 
 Story of a blue stocking Lord Bacon 111 manners Total 
 neglect of education American chancellor of the exchequer 
 can t write his name- House of representatives obliged to have 
 a clerk to read for them ! Attempt of an English lady to esta 
 blish a boarding school, and its result French dancing-mas 
 ters, how treated, &c. 
 
 ONE of the first things that disgusts a pious 
 man, as all Englishmen, particularly English tra 
 vellers, are, is the horrible profanation of the 
 Sabbath in this town. This contempt of reli 
 gion and its observances arises partly out of the 
 turbulent spirit of democracy, and partly from 
 the want of a privileged church establishment, 
 such as has made Great-Britain the bulwark of 
 religion in all ages, as the Quarterly says. There 
 is in the first place such a natural and indivisible 
 association between a king reigning over his peo- 
 
JOHN BUJLL IN AMERICA. 65 
 
 pel by divine right, and divinity itself, that it is 
 next to impossible a true subject should not be a 
 true believer. On the contrary, the pure spirit of 
 democracy, which rejects the divine right of kings, 
 will naturally resist every other divine right, and 
 thus it has happened that impiety and rebellion have 
 ever gone hand in hand. Every person versed in 
 the history of England must be familiar with innu 
 merable examples of this truth. Waving a refer 
 ence to all others, it is sufficient to recollect the 
 total relaxation of religion and morals which pre 
 vailed among the Puritans who rebelled against 
 Charles the martyr, and the brilliant revival of pi 
 ety and the church on the accession of his son. In 
 fact, it is a maxim with all orthodox writers, that 
 a pious people will always be obedient to their 
 sovereign, not so much because he governs well, 
 as because he governs by divine right. 
 
 A few obvious positions will in like manner de 
 monstrate the absolute necessity of a liberally en 
 dowed, exclusively privileged church establish 
 ment, like that of England. Money is universally 
 held to be the sinew of war; and inasmuch as mo 
 ney is essentially necessary to enable the sovereign 
 to defend and maintain the rights and interests of 
 the government, so is it equally necessary to enable 
 the bishops and dignitaries of the church to defend 
 the consciences of the people against the dissenters, 
 and all other enemies of the church, as the Quarter 
 ly says. It is a pure democratic absurdity to sup-: 
 pose that men will fight for their country from 
 6* 
 
66 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 mere patriotic feelings, or that they will preach for 
 nothing. Hence it is essentially necessary, that 
 both should be equally well paid ; for as the pro 
 mise of the plunder of a city stimulates the soldier 
 to acts of heroism, so in like manner will the pro 
 mise of a good living of ten or fifteen thousand 
 sterling a, year, equally stimulate the dignitary of 
 the established church to fight the good fight of 
 faith the more manfully. 
 
 In fact, as the Quarterly says, " the want of an 
 established church has made the bulk of the peo 
 ple either infidels or fanatics." There will never 
 be any pure religion here until they have an arch 
 bishop of Armagh with 60,000 acres of glebe, and 
 a bishop of Derry with 150,000. It is these and 
 similar noble establishments in Ireland that have 
 made the people of that country so orthodox, and 
 so devoted to the king. 
 
 This mode of stimulating the zeal of pious digni 
 taries by wealth and honours, is accompanied with 
 other special advantages, In proportion as the 
 hierarchy is enriched by the spoils of the people, 
 the latter becoming comparatively poor, are pre 
 cluded by necessity from indulging in vicious ex 
 travagance and corrupt enjoyments. They will 
 practise per force, abstinence, economy, self-de- 
 dial, and the other domestic virtues so essential 
 to the welfare of the lower orders. Hence it is 
 sufficiently obvious that in proportion as you cur 
 tail the superfluities of the commonalty by taxes, 
 tithes, high rents, and poor rates you guaranty to 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 67 
 
 them the practice of almost all the cardinal virtues, 
 as the Quarterly says. Again : In proportion as 
 the people become poor, they will necessarily pay 
 less attention to the education of their children ; 
 and I fear no denial, except from radicals, demo 
 crats and atheists, when I assert, that considering 
 the mischievous books now in circulation on the 
 subject of liberty and such impieties, the greatest 
 blessing that could possibly happen to the lower 
 orders would be the loss of the dangerous faculty 
 of reading. In no age of the world were this class 
 of people so devoted to the honour of the priests, 
 and the glory of their kings, and consequently to 
 the interests of religion and human rights, as when 
 a large portion of them could not read, and were 
 without any property they could call their own. 
 I appeal to the whole history of mankind for proof 
 of the maxim, that ignorance and poverty are the 
 two pillars of a privileged church, and the divine 
 right of kings. 
 
 It may be urg;ed by radicals, democrats, and un 
 believers, that the same rule which ordains the 
 diminution of certain vices by the absence, equally 
 ordains their proportionate increase by the multi 
 plication of the means of their gratifi ration. That 
 consequently the rich prelates and nobility must 
 necessarily become corrupt in proportion to the 
 increase of their wealth. But even admitting this 
 to be true, the people are gainers by the arrange 
 ment, since, by this means, their sins and trans 
 gressions are shifted upon their superiors, who an- 
 
OS JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 s\ver the end of a sort of scape-goats, or peace- 
 offerings, under cover of which the poor entirely 
 escape. It is therefore* plain, that the more rich 
 and wicked the privileged few become, the more, 
 will the lower orders be exempt from both. Let 
 us hear no more then of the impious slang of de 
 mocracy, as the Quarterly says, which would per 
 suade poor deluded innocence and ignorance that 
 equal rights and a general diffusion of knowledge, 
 answer any other end than to make people thieves, 
 murderers, gougers, bundlers, unbelievers, blas 
 phemers, rowdies, and regulators, and, to sum up 
 all in one word, republicans. 
 
 When it is recollected, therefore, that the es 
 sence of the turbulent spirit of democracy consists 
 equally in the rejection of the divine right of the 
 king, and the equally divine right of the bishops, 
 and deans, and arch-deacons, to their thousands a 
 year, it will readily be conceded that a pure repub 
 lican cannot possibly have any religion, as the 
 Quarterly has sufficiently proved. Accordingly, 
 as I before observed, the first thing that strikes a 
 stranger who is used to the exemplary modes of 
 keeping the Sabbath in London and all other 
 parts of England, is the total neglect of that day 
 in all parts of the United States. In New- York, 
 indeed, there are plenty of churches, but they 
 were all built before the millennium of democra 
 cy, as the Quarterly says, and under the pious au 
 spices of our established church. The first thing 
 these blessed republicans did when they returned 
 to the city, on the conclusion of the peace, was to 
 
JOHN BULL IU AMERICA. 69 
 
 break all the church windows, and so they have 
 remained ever since. One of them has a ring of 
 eight copper kettles, instead of bells, which being 
 rung by the old deaf sexton, gives singular satis 
 faction to the commonalty I beg pardon the so 
 vereign people who assemble on Sundays to dance 
 to the music in front of the church. As to going 
 to church to hear divine service, nobody pretends 
 to such anti-republican foolery. The shops are all 
 kept open on Sundays, so that one can see no dif 
 ference between that and any other day, except 
 that the good folks drink twice as much whiskey., 
 and put on their Sunday suits, in which they stag 
 ger about with infinite dignity, until finally they 
 generally tumble into the gutter, spoil their finery, 
 and sleep themselves sober. Such are the genu 
 ine habits of the turbulent spirit of democracy, as 
 the Quarterly says. My worthy landlord assured 
 me that the African church was the only one in 
 which there was a chance of hearing a sermon, 
 and that even there, the whole congregation was 
 sometimes taken up and carried to the watch-house, 
 under pretence that they disturbed the neighbour 
 hood with their groanings, howlings, and other 
 demonstrations of genuine piety. The true reason 
 was, however, that these bundling, gouging demo 
 crats, as the Quarterly calls them, have such a bit 
 ter hostility to all sorts of religion, that they can 
 not bear even the poor negroes should sing psalms. 
 However, as it is the first duty of a Christian to 
 hide the faults, and draw a veil over the transgres- 
 
70 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 sions of his fellow-men, I shall abstain from any 
 further comments on the horrible depravity of re 
 publicanism in general, and Yankee republicanism 
 in particular. I must not omit to mention, how 
 ever, that in this, as well as every other town in 
 the United States, there is a society for the propa 
 gation of unbelief, secretly supported by the go 
 vernment, most of the principal officers of which 
 are members. Their exertions were inveterate 
 and unceasing, and they displayed the same zeal 
 in making an atheist of a devout Christian that we 
 do in the conversion of a Jew. Of late these so 
 cieties have remitted their labours in consequence 
 of there being no more Christians to work upon. 
 
 The love of dress, glitter, and finery, is one of 
 the characteristics of a rude and republican people ; 
 of course we see it displayed here in all its barba 
 rous extravagance. Every thing the}^ can beg, 
 borrow, hire, or steal, is put on their backs, and a 
 fine lady somewhat resembles a vessel dressed in 
 the colours of all nations. It is impossible to tell 
 what flag she sails under. This finery is for the 
 most part hired by the day of the milliners and 
 pawn- brokers, and there are dresses which can be 
 had at from two shillings to a dollar a day. The 
 first young ladies of the city, who never know 
 their own minds, but always " guess" at it, as the 
 Quarterly says, principally figure in these hired 
 dresses; and it is by no means uncommon for one 
 of them to be hauled out of the city assembly, or a 
 fashionable party, by a pawn-broker, in consequence 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 71 
 
 of having kept the dress longer than the time spe 
 cified. One might suppose such an accident would 
 disturb the harmony of the company, but the other 
 young ladies continue to dance away without tak 
 ing any notice of the unfortunate Cinderella, thus 
 stript of her finery, or perhaps content themselves 
 with guessing what the matter may be. I ought 
 to mention here, that though the young ladies al 
 ways " guess/ the young gentlemen are common 
 ly given to " reckoning" upon a thing, a phrase 
 which becomes exceedingly familiar by a long ha 
 bit of running up scores at taverns. 
 
 Notwithstanding all the cant and boasting of 
 these turbulent democrats about the necessity of 
 education to self-government, the general diffusion 
 of intelligence, and all that sort of thing, it is most 
 amazing to see the. ignorance of the best educated 
 people here. A young lady of the first fashion, 
 who can read writing, is considered a phenome 
 non ; while she who has read Lord Byron is held 
 a blue stocking, and avoided by all the dandies for 
 fear she should puzzle them with her learning. 
 Such, indeed, is the natural antipathy of genuine 
 republicanism to all sorts of literature, that the on 
 ly possible way of teaching the little children their 
 a, b, c, is by appealing to their inordinate appe 
 tites in the shape of gingerbread letters well sweet 
 ened with molasses. The seduction is irresistible, 
 for no genuine Yankee republican can make head 
 against treacle. I one night, at a literary party, 
 happened to mention some opinion from Lord Ba- 
 
JOHN BVLL IN AMERICA. 
 
 con to a young lady who had the reputation of her 
 ing rather blue. " Bacon Bacon," replied she 
 briskly" ! I guess we call it gammon. But 
 we don t put < Lord 3 to it, because it s anti-repub 
 lican." I took occasion to apprize her with as lit 
 tle appearance of contempt as possible, that our 
 Bacon was not gammon, nor ham, but no less a 
 personage than the present Lord Chancellor of 
 England, the sole inventor and propounder of hu 
 man reason, and the noble art of philosophy. " I 
 guess he must have made a power of money by 
 it," said the learned lady. " Did he get a patten 
 for his invention? We always get pattens for any 
 great discoveries in Jlmerrykey." Upon this she 
 started up, ran giggling over to some of her set, 
 and continued the whole evening laughing at me, 
 thus joining ill-manners to ignorance. But what 
 can you expect from a gang of barbarians, among 
 whom learning is considered anti-republican, as the 
 young lady said ; where, to be able to read, is an 
 insuperable obstacle to promotion, and where the 
 present Chancellor of the Exchequer of the Unit- 
 ted States, who is considered as one of their best 
 scholars, signs his name with ^fac-simile^ that is, 
 by deputy ? This deputy they were obliged to 
 send to England for, on account of the few persons 
 who could write being all engaged in forging the 
 signatures of bank notes. Even the house of repre 
 sentatives, where all the wisdom and learning of 
 the nation assembles, is obliged to employ a clerk 
 to read the papers, messages, &c., for the edifica- 
 
JOHN BULL IX AMERICA. 73 
 
 tion of the country members, whose education has 
 been neglected in that respect. 
 
 To sum up my remarks on the subject of litera 
 ture here, I may say with perfect truth and impar 
 tiality, that the education of youth consists in 
 learning to drink whiskey, eat tobacco, love dirt 
 and debauchery, despise religion, and hate kings. 
 An English lady attempted to establish a boarding- 
 school for young ladies a few years ago, but the 
 genius of democracy would not submit to her sa 
 lutary restrictions. The young ladies first pout 
 ed, then broke into the kitchen, where they de 
 voured all they could find, and came very near 
 eating up the black cook, and finally set fire to the 
 house, and ran away by the light of it ; since 
 then, nobody has been hardy enough to set up a 
 school for young ladies, except two or three des 
 perate Frenchmen. These confine themselves to 
 teaching them to dance, which being an art conge 
 nial to savages, they acquire with considerable do 
 cility. They sometimes, to be sure, pummel the 
 poor Frenchmen black and blue with the heels of 
 their shoes ; but candour obliges me to say, that I 
 never heard of their tearing the dancing master in 
 pieces, or eating him up alive. 
 
74 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 NEW-YORK. 
 
 Quotations from the* Quarterly Poverty of invention and wan? 
 of originality of republicans Dr. Watts Emigrants, their 
 situation here Story of one Author advises him to go home 
 and tell his story to the editor of the Quarterly Promises .him 
 a free passage to England Reflections, Stc. 
 
 ONE may truly say, with the Quarterly,* " the 
 scum of all the earth is drifted into New- York," 
 notwithstanding what Miss Wright and Captain 
 Hall may affirm to the contrary, in their flippant 
 farragoes and " prostitute rhapsodies, and of im 
 piety, malevolence, and radical trash," as the 
 Quarterly says. " Godless reprobates, brutal and 
 ferocious tyrants, thieves, swindlers, and murder 
 ers," as the Quarterly says, " make up the mass 
 of the population." " Robberies, burglaries, and 
 attempts at murder, disgrace the city every day; 
 and one cannot walk the streets in the daylight, 
 without seeing fellows lay in the gutters, with 
 broken legs, arms, &c. who continue, day after day, 
 without being noticed by the nightly watch, or 
 the open day of humanity, to roast in the sun, and 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 75 
 
 be devoured by the flies," as the Quarterly says. 
 Indeed, I can safely, and from experience, affirm 
 the Quarterly is perfectly justified in asserting 
 that, " Insolence of demeanour is mistaken for 
 high-minded independence. " No reputable English 
 traveller ever saw man, woman, or child, blush 
 here, except a few English people, not yet pro 
 perly acclimated that the speeches of lawyers and 
 members of congress are all jargon and nonsense 
 that the preachers of the gospel all bellow out their 
 sermons in their shirt sleeves that the judges are. 
 for the most part, worse criminals than those they 
 try that dogs are trained to hunt young negroes, 
 instead of to point game that men, women, 
 children, negroes, strangers, all congregate to 
 gether, at night, in one room -that not one in ten 
 of the slaves die a natural death, being, for the 
 most part, whipped till they mortify, and the flies 
 eat them that the moral air is putrid that the 
 land is all hung up in the air to dry* that the air 
 is one animated region of flies, moschetoes, and 
 other noxious insects ; and that such is the influence 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy, not only upon 
 the moral and physical qualities of the people, but 
 upon the very elements themselves, that the one 
 is not less perverted than the other. All this I 
 am ready to swear to, and so is the Quarterly Re 
 view. Respect for the precept of our pure Eng 
 lish orthodoxy, which inculcates charity and good 
 will to all men, prevents my indulging any further 
 * Vide Jfo. 58, Quarterly. 
 
76 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 upon this topic. For the present, I will content 
 myself with summing up the characters of these 
 patent republicans, in the words of the Quarterly. 
 " Fools must not come here, for the Americans 
 are naturally cold, jealous, suspicious, and knavish 
 without any sense of honour. They believe 
 every man a rogue until they see the contrary 
 and there is no other way of managing them ex 
 cept by bullying. They have nothing original ; 
 all that is good or new is done by foreigners, and 
 yet they boast eternally. "* In proof of this I may 
 add, that they claim every thing, and have even 
 attempted, as I before observed, to rob poor Dr. 
 Watts of the credit of having invented the steam 
 boat. I have little doubt but they will lay claim 
 to his psalm book before long. There is every day 
 some invention trumped up here, which has been 
 exploded and forgotten in England, and for which 
 a patent is procured without any difficulty. It is 
 only to swear to its originality, and that is a cere 
 mony^ which no genuine republican will hesitate 
 a moment in going through. This city is full of 
 foreigners ; but what can possibly induce them to 
 come here, I cannot conceive. I have not met 
 with a single Englishman that was not grumbling 
 at his situation, and discontented with every thing 
 around him. The inns are filthy the boarding 
 houses not fit to live in- the waiters negligent and 
 saucy the wines poison and the cooking exe 
 crable. Yet they remain here with an unwarranta 
 ble pertinacity, in spite not only of the Quarterly, 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 77 
 
 but of the bitter lessons of experience they receive 
 every hour. 
 
 One morning as I was walking up Chesnut-street, 
 the principal promenade in New- York, I saw a 
 poor drunken fellow wallowing in the gutter, and 
 .talking to himself about Old England. This cir 
 cumstance, together with his dialect, which partook 
 somewhat of the Yorkshire purity, excited my 
 curiosity and commiseration. I helped him up, 
 conducted him to my lodgings, and put him to bed 
 to sleep himself sober. After waking, and refresh 
 ing himself with a dozen stewed oysters, I inquired 
 his history. His tale so happily illustrates the com 
 mon fate of English emigrants, to this El Dorado, 
 (as the Quarterly caljs it,) that I shall give it in 
 his own words as nearly as possible. The poor 
 man could neither read nor write, and had been, as 
 will be perceived, the dupe of those interested 
 speculators and agents of this government, who 
 write books to deceive the ignorant and unwary 
 English. 
 
 " I was very comfortably situated in Old Eng 
 land, the land of liberty, religion, and roast beef, 
 except that one-fourth of my earnings went to the 
 tax-gatherer, another to the poor rates, and an 
 other to the parson and landlord. But still, as I 
 said before, I was happy and contented ; when I 
 happened to read Mr. Birkbeck s " radical trash," 
 as the Quarterly says, which turned my head, 
 and put me quite out of conceit with the bless 
 ings of English roast beef and English liberty. 
 
78 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Just about this time the man came round, to tax 
 my house, my land, my horses, oxen, cattle, ser 
 vants, windows, and a dozen or two more small 
 matters. A little while after the parson sent for 
 his tithes, the landlord for his rent, and the over 
 seers of the poor for the poor rates. All these 
 coming just upon the back of Mr, Birkbeck s mis 
 chievous book, put me quite out of patience, so I 
 made up my mind to emigrate to America. 
 
 " I sold off all that I had, turned it into English 
 guineas, and went down to Liverpool, where I 
 took passage. Supposing I should have no use for 
 money in the States, after paying my passage, 
 I spent the rest in treating my fellow passengers 
 at the tavern, and set sail with empty pockets, yet 
 full of spirits. The Captain was a full-blooded Yan 
 kee democrat, and the greatest little tyrant in the 
 world. He held that it was much better to steal 
 than to labour,* and by way of illustrating his the 
 ory, robbed me of twenty guineas on the passage. 
 On my remonstrating with him, he told me that it 
 was the universal custom of his country, and I 
 might make it up on my arrival in New- York, by 
 robbing the first man I met with. 
 
 (( Our passage was long, and as the Captain had 
 x not laid in half provisions enough, we were oblig 
 ed to cast lots, at the end of a fortnight, who 
 should be killed and eaten. The first lot fell upon 
 me, but I bribed a poor simple fellow with a 
 guinea to take my place. Our Captain insisted 
 
 * Vide S8th No of the Quarterly. 
 
JOHJU BULL IN AMERICA. 79 
 
 upon the privilege of knocking the man on the 
 head, it being one of his greatest delights ; there 
 was nothing he preferred to it, except hunting lit 
 tle people of colour with bloodhounds. Out often 
 passengers in the steerage, I was the only one that 
 got to New-York alive, the rest being all killed 
 and eaten. When I stepped ashore, I was so hun 
 gry, and had got such an inveterate habit of eating 
 human flesh, that I immediately laid hold of a fat 
 fellow, and bit a piece out of his cheek. Unlucki 
 ly he turned out to be an alderman, and I was 
 forthwith taken to the bridewell, where I made 
 acquaintance with several of the most fashionable 
 people of the city, who generally spend a part of 
 their time there. I had read of this in the Quar 
 terly, but did not believe it till now; and when I 
 get home to Old England,! intend to publish it all 
 in a book of travels. I shall make a good round 
 sum by it, if I can only get one, of the Reviewers 
 to write it down for me, and say a good word in 
 the way of criticism. 
 
 "The bridewell is a pleasant place enough. Once 
 a week they have an assembly ; on Sunday they 
 play at all fours, and every day in the week they 
 tipple delightfully, in company with the judges of 
 the court, the corporation, and a select number of 
 the clergy. For my part, I should not have mind 
 ed spending the rest of my days there ; but this 
 was too great a luxury. So I was turned out at 
 the end of a fortnight, to make room for a lady of 
 
80 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 fashion, who was caught stealing a pig in Broad 
 way. From the bridewell I went sauntering 
 down the street, expecting every moment some 
 one would call out to me to come and do some lit 
 tle job, and pay me a dollar for it. But I might 
 have saved myself the trouble, for not a soul took the 
 least notice of me, until at last an honest fellow 
 slapped me on the shoulder, called me country 
 man, and asked me into a tavern to take a swipes. 
 " Having been somewhat corrupted by the fash 
 ionable society in bridewell, I suffered myself to 
 be seduced, and went in with him. Here, while 
 we sat drinking, I told him my situation, and the 
 difficulty I had in getting employment. He asked 
 me if I was a sober man, and on my assuring him 
 I never drank any thing stronger than water, ex 
 claimed, By my soul, brother, but that is the 
 very reason. Nobody ever thinks of employing 
 a sober man here, and if you look for work till 
 doomsday, you will never find it, unless you qua 
 lify yourself by seeing double, by which means 
 you ll get two jobs for onet I told him I had no 
 money, and if I had, nothing should tempt me to 
 drink. O, ho! cried he, You ve no money 
 to pay your shot, have you? So he fell upon me 
 and gouged out both my eyes, besides biting off a 
 good part of my nose, under pretence that I had 
 spunged upon him, as he called it ; but the landlord 
 afterwards assured me, it was only because I would 
 not drink, it being the custom here to beat people 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. Si 
 
 to death, or roast them alive, if they won t get 
 drunk. 
 
 " Finding it was the custom of the country, and 
 that there was no getting along without it, and that 
 drink I must or starve, I took to the bottle, and 
 soon got employment in sweeping the streets and 
 other miscellaneous matters. Agreeably to the 
 good old maxims of English prudence, I determin 
 ed in my own mind, only to drink up three-fourths 
 of my wages, arid to save the rest, to buy a farm 
 in the western country, where I intended to go and 
 set up for a member of congress, when I had 
 qualified myself by being able to walk a crack af 
 ter swallowing half a gallon of whiskey. But my 
 prudential resolves were of no avail, for the gen 
 tlemen sweepers told me it was against the law to 
 save our wages. On my demurring to this, they 
 took me before the judge, who decreed me a beat 
 ing, besides taking away the money I had saved, 
 which he laid out in liquor, and we got merry to 
 gether. 
 
 " Seeing there was no use in laying up money, 
 I thought it best to follow the custom, and from 
 that time, regularly spent at night what I earned 
 during the day. I led a jolly life of it, but it was, 
 like the bridewell, too good to last for ever. I fell 
 sick, owing to the unhealthiness of the climate, 
 where a large portion of the people die off every 
 year. They carried me to the hospital, where 
 they would not give me a mouthful of liquor ; kept 
 me upon soup diet, and cut off iny leg by way of 
 
32 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 experiment, with a handsaw. Ho\v I ever got well, 
 and got my leg on again, I cannot tell ; but you 
 will hardly believe it, when I assure you, that 
 after keeping me here in perfect idleness for six 
 weeks, and curing me, they most inhumanly turn 
 ed me out into the streets to begin the world again ! 
 That emigrants to this land of promise, should be 
 obliged to work for a living, was too had, and I 
 determined not to submit to such an imposition ; 
 so I snapt my fingers at them, swore I would see 
 them hanged first, and threatened them with the 
 vengeance of the Quarterly. ( This is a pretty free 
 country, to be sure, said I, ( where a poor emi 
 grant is obliged to work for a living. 
 
 " Walking in a melancholy mood down the 
 street, I all at once thought of what the captain of 
 the Yankee ship told me about its being the univer 
 sal opinion and practice here, that it was much 
 easier to get a thing by stealing than working for it. 
 This sophistry of the captain corrupted me on the 
 spot, and I took the first opportunity of putting 
 the theory into practice by cabbaging a watch out 
 of a window, which hung so invitingly that I could 
 not resist the temptation. I put it into my pocket 
 till I got to the church, where I pulled it out in 
 order to set it by the clock. Just at that moment 
 a fellow with all the characteristic insolence of 
 democracy, (as the Quarterly says,) laid hold of 
 me and the watch, and before I could muster pre 
 sence of mind to knock the impudent rascal down, 
 carried me to the police, where I was examined 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. S 
 
 and committed. Instead of enjoying myself . in 
 jail for a year or two, according to the custom of 
 old England, before trial, I was brought up the 
 very next day, tried, sentenced, and accommodat- 
 / ed for three years in the state-prison, before I 
 * could say Jack Robinson. It was in vain I pleaded 
 the custom of the country, appealed to the sacred 
 name of liberty, and to the authority of the Yan 
 kee captain. The judge coolly told me that the 
 custom of the country only applied to native born 
 citizens, and that not being even naturalized, I de 
 served more exemplary punishment for trespassing 
 upon the peculiar privileges of the free-born sons 
 of liberty. * By the time you get out of prison, 
 said his honour, you will be qualified for citizen 
 ship, and may then steal as many watches as you 
 please. I bowed, thanked his lordship, who, by 
 the way, neither wore gown nor wig only think ! 
 and withdrew to go through my initiation into 
 citizenship. 
 
 " People may talk of the state-prison, but for 
 my part, if any thing could tempt me longer to 
 breathe the pure air of liberty in this land of hog- 
 stealing judges,* and shoe-making magistrates, it 
 would be the hope of spending three more such 
 happy years. I had plenty of meat every day,, 
 (which to a hard-working man of the land of roast 
 beef was enchanting, if only on account of its no 
 velty,) did not work half so hard as at home, and 
 
 * Vide 56th No, 
 
S4 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 as for the loss of liberty, to any person who reads 
 the Quarterly, that must be considered a great 
 blessing. They were obliged to turn me out neck 
 and heels, at the end of my delightful seclusion. 
 In revenge I picked the turnkey s pocket, got glo- 
 riously fuddled, and was ruminating in delightful 
 recollections of Old England, when your lordship 
 found, and carried me home with you. By the 
 way, I should like a few more of those capital 
 oysters. To make an end, I am now balancing 
 whether I shall take out my citizenship, and thus 
 qualify myself for the Yankee mode of sporting; 
 steal another watch before I become privileged, 
 and so get into that paradise, the state-prison 
 again, or apply for a free passage to the land of 
 liberty and roast beef. They tell me I shall be 
 provided for if I will give a certificate that it is 
 impossible for an English emigrant to exist in this 
 country. For my part, I am not particular, and am 
 ready to say, or swear to any thing, to be revenged 
 on these bloody Yankees, who first put a man in 
 jail, and then turn him out again, against all the 
 rules of liberty and good government." 
 
 I advised the poor man to go home to England, 
 and promised to get him a free passage. I also 
 gave him a letter to the editor of the Quarterly, 
 requesting him to take down his story, and make 
 an article of it in his next number, for the purpose 
 of deterring all his deluded countrymen from ad 
 venturing to this land of bundling, gouging guess 
 ing, and democracy. The fate of this poor de- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 85 
 
 luded, honest, and industrious emigrant, ought to 
 be a warning to all those who sigh for the bless 
 ings of pure democracy, and believe in the impious, 
 radical slang of Miss Wright, Captain Hajl, Birk- 
 beck, and the rest of the polluted, putrid, pestilent, 
 radical fry, as the Quarterly says. The best of 
 these English emigrants are actually obliged to 
 work for a living, and if they are not lucky enough 
 to get into the bridewell or state-prison, more than 
 two thirds of them actually starve to death. 
 
CHAP. VIII. 
 
 Seeming inconsistencies and contradictions in this country Ex 
 planation of these Park Battery Sunday amusements 
 Spirit of democracy Impiety Specimens of republican con 
 versation Theatre American play American Roscius 
 Kean Cooke Cooke a great favourite, and why Plays and 
 actors, all English Little Frenchman ! Author changes his 
 lodgings Attempt to rob and murder him by the little French 
 man and his companion Spirit of democracy. 
 
 THE more I see of the people of this country, 
 the more I am struck with the seeming inconsis 
 tencies that I every day encounter. That they, 
 are the greatest cowards in existence is clear, from 
 the repeated assertions of the Quarterly yet they 
 are continually fighting and quarrelling. That 
 they are utterly destitute of every feeling of per 
 sonal honour,* is proved by the same authority ; 
 and yet the young men are all duellists, and risk 
 their lives every day upon the point of honour. 
 There is no country in the world, as I have be 
 fore stated, where thieving, house-breaking, and 
 murder are so common, and yet the shop-keep- 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ers hang out their richest goods at the doors and 
 windows; the housewives leave their clothes out 
 all night to bleach or dry ; the country people 
 leave their implements in the fields without scru 
 ple, and there is a general carelessness in this re 
 spect, which would seem to indicate an honest and 
 virtuous people. But a little study and attention, 
 soon lets one into the secret of all this, and the ex 
 planation becomes perfectly easy. 
 
 That quarrelsome people, and those who run 
 wantonly into danger, are, for the most part, cow 
 ards, is demonstrable. He, for instance, that seeks 
 to quarrel, seeks to fight he that seeks to fight, 
 seeks to die he that seeks to die, seeks never to 
 fight more and he that seeks never to fight rriore, 
 is a coward. To explain the seeming contradic 
 tion to the old maxim, that knavery is always sus 
 picious of others, it is only necessary to refer to 
 the fact, that people careless of their own proper 
 ty, are generally the most apt to make free with 
 that of others, and this constitutes the very essence 
 of the spirit of democracy. The people don t 
 mind being robbed, because they can easily reim 
 burse themselves by plundering their neighbours of 
 twice the amount. Indeed such is the inveterate 
 passion for pilfering, that it is no uncommon thing 
 for a man to rob himself, that he may have an ex 
 cuse for making reprisals upon his friends. On 
 one occasion I went into a jeweller s shop, which I 
 found deserted by every body. After staying 
 long enough to have filled my pockets with jew- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 els the shopman came in, and glancing his eyes 
 round to see if all was safe, seemed very much 
 mortified that I had not robbed him. I heard him 
 
 mutter to himself, " one of your d -d honest 
 
 Englishmen." 
 
 It is in this manner that the society of which the 
 pure spirit of democracy forms the basis is consti 
 tuted ; and this is what is practically meant by 
 equal rights. It puzzled me at first, how a socie 
 ty so constituted, could possibly subsist for any 
 length of time. But the wonder is easily explain 
 ed. To be free, a people must be in a state of 
 barbarity to be in a state of barbarity, is to ap 
 proach to a state of nature to approach to a state 
 of nature, is to come near it to come very near 
 it, is to be on the verge and to be on the verge, 
 is ten to one to fall in. Hence a free people must 
 be in a state of nature, where we know all things 
 are in common, and consequently all men thieves. 
 If it be urged, that a people in a state of nature can 
 have no system of laws, I answer that there is no 
 essential difference between a people who have no 
 laws, and a people who pay no regard to them. 
 The pure spirit of democracy is nothing but a state 
 of nature, as the Quarterly has sufficiently proved : 
 and the people of this country are all bundling, 
 gouging, scalping, guessing, spitting, swearing, 
 unbelieving democrats. 
 
 In my various walks about the city I visited the 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eg. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 89 
 
 Park, as it is called, and the Battery, the pride and 
 boast of these modest republicans. The Park is 
 situated at the intersection of Hudson and Duane- 
 streets, and is very nearly, or quite, large enough 
 for bleaching a pair of sheets and a pillow case all 
 at once. Judging from newspaper puffs, you would 
 suppose it was an elegant promenade, encompass 
 ed with iron railing ; but I may hope to be believ 
 ed when I assure my readers, that no one walks 
 there but pigs and washerwomen, and that the part 
 of the fence which still remains, is nothing but 
 pine. There is no other Park in the city. But 
 the Battery! 0, you should see the Battery for 
 seeing is believing. I visited it on Sunday after 
 noon, when I was told I should see it in all its glo 
 ry. I saw what we should call a wharf jutting 
 out into a sluggish puddle, about half a quarter of 
 a mile wide, which they call a bay. On this wharf 
 were a few poles stuck up they had no leaves or 
 limbs, but I was assured they would grow in time. 
 The place stunk intolerably, but whether owing to 
 the stagnant pool, called, in the republican verna 
 cular the bay, or to the filthy nastiness of the peo 
 ple walking there, I cannot say. Here I saw hun 
 dreds, not to say thousands of people, strutting, or 
 rather staggering, about in dirty finery. Some hug 
 ging and kissing each other with the most nause 
 ating gusto of lust, heated by whiskey others 
 singing indecent and impious songs but the ma 
 jority of them, in the true spirit of democracy, 
 gouging and dirking each other for amusement. 
 
90 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 In one corner might be seen a group wallowing 
 and rolling about in the mud like drunken swine 
 in another, half a dozen poor wretches gouged 
 or dirked, writhing in agony amid the shouts 
 of the people and in a third, a heap of misera 
 ble victims in the last stage of yellow fever. 
 Nobody discovered the least sympathy for them, 
 and here no doubt they perished with a burning 
 fever, exposed to a broiling sun, with the thermo 
 meter at 110 degrees, the usual temperature of this 
 climate, winter and summer. Here they remain 
 ed to have their eyes stung out by moschetoes 
 while living, and to be devoured by flies when 
 dead. I shuddered at the scene, and turned to 
 another quarter in hopes of seeing a boxing match, 
 or some polite, refined exhibition, but in vain. 
 Such is the celebrated promenade of the Battery 
 at New-York; such the Sunday amusements of 
 enlightened and virtuous democracy ! Nothing 
 could equal the gross and vulgar impiety of their 
 conversation, of which the following specimens 
 will furnish examples : 
 
 No. 1. " Well, neighbour, how d ye get on?" 
 "0, by degrees, as lawyers go to 
 heaven !" 
 
 No. 2. " When do you go out of town ?" 
 
 " Why, I think of going to-morrow, 
 God willing. 77 
 
 No. 3.-" Bless my soul, neighbour, where 
 have you sprung from ?" 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 91 
 
 " Why, God love you, I sprung from 
 the clouds, like. Methuselah!" 
 No. 4. "Well, friend, how does the good wo 
 man to-day?" 
 " Why thank you, she complains of 
 
 being a little better /" 
 
 Enough of this. One s blood runs cold at such 
 impious profanity. Indeed, the people are, one 
 and all, grossly indelicate and impious in conver 
 sation, as the Quarterly says.* 
 
 To vary the scene, and to obliterate in some de 
 gree the painful impressions occasioned by the 
 groups I have attempted to describe, 1 strolled into 
 the play-house, which is always open on Sundays, 
 from ten in the morning till any time the next 
 morning. But I only got out of the frying pan 
 into the fire, for such a bear-garden never Christian 
 man unluckily entered. The theatre is nothing 
 more than a barn, abandoned by the owner, as not 
 worth being rebuilt, with a thatched roof, and stalls 
 for a good number of cattle, which are now con 
 verted into boxes for the beau monde. The hay 
 mow is now the gallery, and the rest is all boxes. 
 Shakspeare being considered anti-republican, and 
 the English dramatists generally unpopular, the 
 exhibition consisted of a drama, the production of 
 a first rate republican genius. The plot cannot be 
 unravelled by mortal man ; but the catastrophe 
 consisted in the heroine of the piece being drank 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed, 
 
92 JOHN BUtL IN AMERICA. 
 
 for by some three or four admirers. It is to be 
 understood that there is no sham here. All is real 
 drinking ; the audience will endure nothing less, 
 and the pleasure consists in the actors all getting 
 really and substantially drunk. This is what the 
 best republican critics call copying life and man 
 ners, of which the aggregate here consists in drunk 
 enness, impiety and, debauchery.* The successful 
 hero, who carried off the lady, swallowed three 
 quarts of whiskey, the only liquor considered clas 
 sical, and such was the delight of the audience, 
 that one and all cried out, "Encore! encore! let 
 him drink three more I" The hero, however, hick- 
 uped an apology, hoping the audience would ex 
 cuse the repetition. He is considered the Ros- 
 cius of the age, and thought far superior to Kean, 
 or Cooke, though the latter was rather a favourite, 
 on account of his once having paid court to the na 
 tional taste by performing the character of Cato, 
 elegantly drunk. This they called the true con 
 ception of the part, it being utterly impossible to 
 admit the idea of a sober patriot or republican. 
 The notion savours of aristocracy, and one would 
 run the risk of being tarred and feathered, by sug 
 gesting such a heterodoxy in politics. 
 
 It is one of the most unanswerable proofs of that 
 total want of genius, invention, and originality, 
 with which these people have been justly charged, 
 that the plays represented at this theatre, and 
 throughout the whole of the United States, are en 
 tirely of British manufacture. Were it not for 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 93 
 
 Shakspeare, Milton, Newton, Locke, Bacon, Pro 
 fessor Porson, and a few more illustrious English 
 dramatic writers, the theatres in this country could 
 not exist. Shaspeare s Tom and Jerry is played 
 over and over again, night after night ; and Bacon s 
 Abridgement as often, if not oftener. Another 
 proof is, that they import all their actors from Eng 
 land, it being a singular fact, that although the peo- 
 . pie are actually drunk two-thirds of the time, such 
 is their poverty of intellect, that they cannot play 
 the character of a tippler with any remote resem 
 blance to nature. They seem, indeed, destined to 
 put all old maxims to the rout, and among the rest 
 that of " Practice makes perfect;" since none are 
 so frequently intoxicated, and yet none play the 
 character with so little discrimination. 
 
 While indulging in comparisons connected with 
 the superiority of Englishmen, English horses, 
 dogs, beer, beef, statesmen, various reviewers, tra 
 vellers, poets, pick-pockets, philanthropists, tip 
 plers, and tragedians, over all people, and more 
 especially this wretched scum of democracy,* I 
 t was roused by a sneeze, which went to my very 
 heart. A horrid presentiment, came over me ; 
 I dared not look in that direction, but remained 
 torpid and inanimate, till I saw an open snuff-box 
 reached over from behind, and slowly approach my 
 nose. Twas the little Frenchman, with his ma 
 hogany face, gold ear-rings, and dimity breeches ! 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
94 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " Ah ! monsieur monsieur is it you ? I am so 
 happy ! Are you going to New-Orleans yet ? I 
 hope monsieur has not been robbed and murdered 
 above once or twice, since I had the pleasure to 
 part from his agreeable company ?" I received 
 him, as usual, with a look of freezing contempt ; 
 but this had no effect upon the creature, who con 
 tinued to chatter away and bore me with his con 
 founded snuff, till I was out of all patience. I 
 should, most certainly, have tweaked his nose, had 
 I not been previously warned by the communicative 
 traveller, that he was a professed duellist, who 
 minded dirking a man no more than a genuine re 
 publican, and that he had been long enough in the 
 country to become very expert in gouging. I 
 could have got him killed outright for ten dollars, 
 that being the usual rate in this country ;* and 
 people jump at a job so congenial to their habits 
 and feelings. Besides, those who follow the pro 
 fession for a livelihood have not much employment 
 at present, as almost every genuine democrat pre 
 fers killing for himself. But upon the whole I 
 concluded to let the fellow off, not being as yet suf 
 ficient of a republican to relish the killing of a 
 man, either in person or by deput}^. 
 
 The little Frenchman insisted upon knowing 
 where I put up, no doubt with a view of consum 
 mating his plan of robbing me ; but I was resolved 
 to keep that secret to myself. The more shy I 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
"> 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 95 
 
 was, the more curious he became, so that I had no 
 other way of escaping his inquiries than leaving 
 the box, under pretence of getting some refresh 
 ment. The moment I got clear of him, I bolted 
 out of the house, and made the best of my way to 
 my lodgings Just as I entered the door, however, 
 I heard the well-known sneeze, and glancing round 
 beheld the little Frenchman, and the communica 
 tive traveller, watching me from the opposite side 
 of the way. The thing was now quite plain ; no 
 one could mistake their object, and no time was to 
 be lost. I determined to change my lodgings that 
 very night. So calling my worthy landlord out of 
 bed I paid his bill, took my portmanteau under 
 my arm, and proceeded to the city-hotel, where I 
 asked for a room, with a double lock to it, which 
 was shown me by the waiter, who by the way 
 looked very much like a bandit ; and eyed me 
 with a most alarming expression of curiosity. 
 
 " Thank heaven," said I, after double-locking 
 the door, (< I think Pve distanced that little dia 
 bolical French cut-throat, and his accomplice, for 
 this night, at least." Carefully loading my pistols, 
 and placing them on a chair at the bed-side, I sat 
 down to refresh my memory with the 58th num 
 ber of the Quarterly. After poring over the dis 
 gusting detail of the gougings, drinkings, roast- 
 ings, and impieties of republicanism, till my blood 
 ran cold, and my hair stood on end, I retired to 
 bed. Somehow or other I could not sleep. The 
 moment I attempted to close my eyes, visions of 
 
96 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 horror arose, and my imagination teemed with 
 the most appalling, vague, and indefinite dangers 
 that seemed to beset me, I knew not where or how. 
 As I lay thus under the influence of this providen 
 tial restlessness, I heard in the next room that ap 
 palling and never to be forgotten sneeze, which 
 never failed to announce the proximity of the little 
 Frenchman. I started up, seized my pistols, and 
 stood upon the defensive, determined to sell my 
 life as dearly as possible. Presently some one 
 tried the lock of my door, and I was just on the 
 point of firing, when I heard a voice saying, "this 
 is not the room, sir you sleep in No. 40," and 
 they passed onward. 
 
 What rendered my situation the more critical, 
 was the circumstance of there being an additional 
 door to my room, communicating with that of the 
 French bandit, which I had not observed before. 
 Cautiously approaching it with a pistol cocked in 
 either hand, 1 found it locked indeed, but words 
 cannot describe my sensations when I discovered 
 the key was on the other side. However, a few 
 moments restored me to the courage of despera 
 tion, and I ventured to peep through the key-hole, 
 where I saw a sight that froze my blood. The 
 little Frenchman, with his dark mahogany aspect, 
 was sitting at a table with a case, not of pistols, 
 but of razors, one of which he was carefully strap 
 ping. Ever ?.nd anon, as he tried it upon the palm 
 of his hand, he observed to the communicative 
 traveller : " Diable ! it will not do yet tis cer- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 97 
 
 tainly made of lead." At last, however, it seem 
 ed to satisfy him, and he exclaimed with diabolical 
 exultation "Ah, ha! he will do now here is 
 an edge to cut off a man s head without his feeling 
 it." I instinctively drew my hand across my 
 neck to ascertain if my head was safe on my shoul 
 ders, and at that moment heard the voice of the 
 communicative traveller: " Had not you better 
 wait till to-morrow morning?" " Diable, no 
 we shall not have time now or never I will not 
 spare a single hair a minute longer." A slight 
 movement followed this, and the little Frenchman 
 observed in reply to something which escaped me 
 in the bustle : " Do do one don t want any as 
 sistance in these matters I can do it very well 
 myself." The bloody-minded villain, thought I, 
 he wants to have all the pleasure of killing me to 
 himself. Some, one got up, moved towards the 
 door, tried the lock, and seemed just on the point 
 of opening it, when, thinking no time was to be 
 lost, I fired my pistol bang against the door. " Di 
 able!" exclaimed the little Frenchman, " here is 
 our old friend, Monsieur John Bull, the agreeable 
 gentleman, come again. Somebody must be rob 
 bing him beyond doubt. Let us rescue him by all 
 means." They then attempted to unlock the door, 
 under pretence of rescue, but I cried out in a tone 
 of deep solemnity, "Stand off, villains! I have still 
 another loaded pistoj, and the first of you that ap 
 proaches is a dead man. Enter at your peril !" 
 9 
 
98 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 By this time the whole house was in an uproar, 
 the lodgers bundled out of their" rooms half dress 
 edthe servant maids ran about squeaking, and 
 several ladies fell into fits. I am safe enough for 
 the present, thought I, but nevertheless there is 
 nothing like being prepared ; so I held fast my 
 loaded pistol, while the crowd, which at length 
 collected at my door attracted by the smell of the 
 powder, called out to know what was the matter. 
 " There has been an attempt to rob and murder 
 me," answered I. " By whom ?" inquired the 
 voices. " By a little mahogany-faced Frenchman 
 and a communicative traveller," answered I. 
 " Monsieur is under a grand mistake," cried the 
 little Frenchman, " He was going to cut my 
 throat," cried I. " I was going to cut off my 
 beard," answered the little Frenchman upon 
 which the pure spirit of democracy burst out into 
 a. loud laugh. " He must have been dreaming," 
 said one. " He has had the nightmare," said 
 another. " He must be drunk," cried a fourth. 
 " He must be mad," cried a fifth. " By no means, * 
 cried the little Frenchman " Monsieur has only 
 been reading the Quarterly Review, and is a little 
 afraid of the spirit of democracy. He shall shoot 
 him one day with a silver bullet." Hereupon 
 they all burst into a hideous democratic laugh, 
 which is ten times worse than a horse laugh, and 
 scampered off to bed, leaving me at the mercy of 
 the two banditti. Such is the protection afforded 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 99 
 
 <a stranger, and particularly an Englishman, in this 
 bundling, gouging, dirking, spitting, chewing, 
 swearing, blaspheming den of democracy.* 
 
 * Vide No. 58. 
 
100 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 Author goes to the Police Description of {he magistrate Mis 
 take of his worship Examination of the little Frenchman 
 Author quotes the Quarterly Mr. Chichester Dr. Thornton 
 Frenchman acquitted to the great delight of the Democrats, 
 who all like the French, and why Sympathy in favour of 
 rogues here, and reasons for it Philippic against democratic 
 judges, magistrates, lawyers, and democrats in general Moral 
 air tainted, according to the Quarterly Author leaves the city 
 of abominations for fear of becoming a rogue, by the force of 
 universal example Turbulent spirit of democracy Quarterly 
 Review. 
 
 THE morning succeeding the attempt to rob and 
 murder me, I inquired my way to the police-office, 
 which I finally discovered at a cobbler s stall, in 
 one of the filthiest streets of the whole city, called 
 Pattypan-lane. I found his worship sitting on his 
 bench, in a leather apron, most sedulously occu 
 pied in mending an old boot. On my informing 
 him I had business, he looked down at my feet, 
 very earnestly " Hum ! why your boots don t 
 seem to want mending but let us see." So he 
 seized hold of my boot, and laid me sprawling on 
 the floor, in attempting to pull it off. He then fell 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 101 
 
 into a passion with my boots, and swore the fellow 
 that made them so tight ought to be " dirked," 
 the usual phrase for the punishment <5f slight offen 
 ces among these humane republicans. 
 
 It was with some difficulty I made him under 
 stand my business was not with the cobbler, but 
 the magistrate. " Well, go on with your informa 
 tion," replied he, " while I finish my job ; I can 
 take a stitch while you tell your story." So he 
 fell to work lustily, while I proceeded to detail 
 the events of the last night. When I had done, 
 he looked at me for a moment, and then with the 
 true gravity and demeanour of a genuine republi 
 can magistrate, burst into a horse laugh, and took 
 into his mouth a huge quid of tobacco. " And you 
 are positive their intention was to rob and murder 
 you?" quoth the sage Minos. I offered to swear 
 to it, upon which he handed the book, and admi 
 nistered the oath. " Very well, we must send 
 for these bloody-minded fellows, and see what 
 they have to say for themselves. A little French 
 man, with a mahogany face, gold ear-rings, and 
 dimity breeches, say you? we must describe the 
 villain, as you don t know his name." On receiv 
 ing satisfaction as to this point, he procured a war 
 rant, which he signed with his cross, being una 
 ble to write his name ; desired me to witness his 
 mark ; and sent off one of his apprentices to bring 
 the offenders. 
 
 In a few minutes he returned with the little 
 Frenchman, his companion, and almost all the lodg- 
 
102 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ers at the city-hotel, landlord, waiters, and all. 
 His worship laid down his awl, and the examina 
 tion began. 
 
 " What is your name ?" 
 
 " Pierre Frangois Louis Maximilian Joseph 
 Maria Gourgac d Espagnac de Gomperville," an 
 swered the little bandit. 
 
 " A whole band of robbers, in the person of one 
 little Frenchman," observed his worship, turning 
 to his clerk, and directing him to write it down. 
 The clerk demurred to this, as to write it was quite 
 impossible. 
 
 " Well^ then/ said his worship, " write down 
 Hard name, and proceed. Whence came you, 
 where are you going, what is your business, and 
 how came you to put this gentleman in bodily fear 
 last night ?" 
 
 " I came," replied the bandit,- " from New- 
 Orleans, which, as Monsieur knows (making me 
 a low bow) is not far from Portsmouth, in Alaba 
 ma. I am going to Charleston, to which place I 
 hope to have the pleasure of Monsieur s company, 
 (making me another low bow;) my business, it 
 seems, is principally to rob and murder Monsieur, 
 (another bow,) and I came to put him in bodily 
 fear, by reason of sharpening my razors at night, 
 which I generally do before I shave myself;" 
 making me another low bow, and offering his box. 
 
 "Hum!" quoth his worship, eying the little 
 Frenchman s stiff black beard, "A man with such 
 a brush under his nose might reasonably strap his 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 103 
 
 razors over night, I should think, without being 
 suspected of any other intent but to cut up his own 
 stubble field. But what other proofs have you of 
 this intent to rob and murder, hey ?" 
 
 " My own conviction," answered I. 
 
 t( Ay ! but a man s conviction is no proof of 
 guilt, except it be a conviction by judge and jury," 
 answered the learned justice. 
 
 " The word of a gentleman !" 
 
 " Pooh ! the word of a gentleman is no better 
 than the word of any other man. Every man is 
 a gentleman in this free country," replied the de 
 mocratic Solon. 
 
 ( f Did they break into your room ?" 
 
 " No but they tried the lock." 
 
 " Did they actually offer you any violence, or 
 attempt to cut your throat?" 
 
 " No but the little Frenchman sharpened his 
 razors at me." 
 
 " Have you any witnesses to prove the at 
 tack?" 
 
 " The circumstances are, of themselves, suffi 
 cient besides, they have followed me all the way 
 from Portsmouth, and this is not the first time the 
 little Frenchman, and his accomplices, have made 
 the attempt." 
 
 " Followed you !" quoth Solon ; " travelling in 
 the same stages and steam-boats, and putting up at 
 the same houses, is what generally happens to peo 
 ple going the same route this is no proof of wick 
 ed intention/ 
 
104 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 The little Frenchman now appealed to the crowd 
 of city-hotel people, who, beyond doubt, were all 
 his accomplices, and who all testified that he had 
 been there two days before I made my appearance, 
 which the stupid cobbler-justice observed was 
 proof that he had not followed me, at the same 
 time hinting to the Frenchman, he had good 
 grounds for an information against me for follow 
 ing him! Finding they were all in league together, 
 I determined to overwhelm the justice, the clerk, 
 the witnesses, and the culprits, by one single irre 
 sistible testimony. I took from my pocket the fif 
 ty-eighth number of the Quarterly, which I always 
 carry about me ; and turning to page three hun 
 dred and fifty-seven, read in an audible voice as 
 follows:* 
 
 " Mr. Chichester told him," (Mr. Faux,) " that 
 ten dollars would procure the life and blood of 
 any man in this country. 57 Mr. Chichester also 
 told him, that " he knew a party of whites who, 
 last year, roasted to death before a large log fire 
 one of their friends, because he refused to drink, "t 
 
 " And who is Mr. Chichester ?" said the igno 
 ramus, who, it is plain, never reads the Quarter- 
 
 iy- 
 
 "Mr. Chichester is a polished, gay, interesting 
 gentleman, travelling in his own carriage from 
 Kentucky to Virginia," replied I, reading in the 
 Quarterly 4 Again, sir, " Judge Waggoner, who 
 
 * Vide No. 58, English copy. t Ditto. J Ditto 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 105 
 
 is a notorious hog-stealer, was recently accused, 
 while sitting on the bench, by Major Hooker, the 
 hunter, gouger, whipper, and nose-biter, of steal 
 ing many hogs, and being, although a judge, the 
 greatest rogue in the United States. "* Again, sir, 
 we read from this same unquestionable authority, 
 u Doctor Thornton,! of the post-office, observed 
 to him that this city, like that of ancient Rome, 
 was peopled with thieves and assassins, and that 
 during his residence in it, he had found more vil 
 lains than he had seen in all the world besides. 7 
 
 " And pray who is Doctor Thornton is he in 
 court?" cried this pious minister of justice. 
 
 " Doctor Thornton/ replied I, " is a gentleman 
 of character and learning he has invented a new 
 alphabet." . 
 
 " Diable !" interrupted the little Frenchman 
 " tis not the only thing he has invented I be 
 lieve." 
 
 I continued without noticing the interruption 
 " Dr. Thornton, sir, is an Englishman, and that is 
 a sufficient warrant for all he says. I know, how 
 ever, from the best authority, that by his eloquence 
 he prevented the gallant Cockburn from burning 
 the capital and president s house during the late 
 war." 
 
 " Diable!" again interrupted the little French 
 man, " am I to be convicted upon the testimony 
 of the goose whose cackling saved the capital ?" 
 
 * Vide No. 58. \ Ditto, 
 
306 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " But what do you intend by all this ?" replied 
 his worship petulantly, and casting a wishful eye 
 at the old boot, as if he wanted to be stitching again. 
 
 " I mean, sir," replied I solemnly, " to prove 
 by this testimony, that as ten dollars is the price 
 of blood in this country, that as Judge Waggoner 
 is a notorious hog-stealer, and that, as Doctor 
 Thornton affirms, your cities are peopled by thieves 
 and robbers, that in such a country, and among 
 such a people, the mere sharpening of a razor at 
 such an unreasonable hour, is sufficient presump 
 tive proof, to hang half a dozen Frenchmen and 
 democrats." 
 
 But the little Frenchman, who had by this time 
 sent and suborned the president of a bank, and two 
 or three directors, his accomplices no doubt, offer 
 ed their testimony to prove that he was a person 
 well known to them, of ample means and unblem 
 ished character, equally above the temptation as 
 the suspicion of robbery and murder. Upon this, 
 in spite of my own testimony, and the authority 
 of the Quarterly, the precious cobbling justice dis 
 missed my complaint, and apprized the little 
 Frenchman that he might recover damages of me 
 if he chose. But the horrid bandit had other ob 
 jects in view, and after receiving the congratula 
 tions of all present, (for these people adore the 
 French only because they take a little pains to be 
 agreeable,) turned to me with a most diabolical 
 smile, made me a low bow, offered his box, earnest 
 ly hoped he should have the pleasure of my agreea- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 107 
 
 ble company to Charleston, and assured me, upon 
 his honour, he would never attempt to cut my 
 throat again since he was born. 
 
 From this specimen of the mode of adminis 
 tering republican justice, and the character of the 
 judges, who are, for the most part, pig-stealers, and 
 never read the Quarterly, one may judge of the 
 chance an Englishman has of protection or redress. 
 Every body is in league against him ; it is sufficient 
 for a man only to be accused of doing wrong, in 
 order to excite the universal sympathy in his fa 
 vour. The officers of the courts, the magistrates, 
 judges, lawyers, and spectators, all have a fellow- 
 feeling for a criminal, having all been, or expect 
 ing soon to be in a similar predicament, and the 
 accuser is thrice lucky, if he does not change places 
 with the accused. The lawyers, who are most ex 
 pert in snatching murderers from the gallows, are 
 certain to be made magistrates, and the most dex 
 terous pig-stealer is predestined to be a judge of 
 pig-stealers. The sheriff, not long since, was 
 obliged to hang his own nephew for the murder 
 of his mother, who was the sheriff s sister, as these 
 virtuous self-governing republicans thought it a 
 pity to hang a man for such a trifle, and not one 
 of them would tie the knot ! The moral air is pu 
 trid, and even the most honest Englishman cannot 
 breathe it without his principles being tainted with 
 the plague of democracy. Feeling this to be ac 
 tually the case with myself, I determined to change 
 the air as soen as possible, before I became a vil- 
 
108 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 lain outright, and not caring to go back again to 
 the hotel, to meet the banditti, and their accompli 
 ces, I desired my old landlord, the gentleman of 
 colour, to go and pay for my lodgings, and bring 
 my portmanteau down to the steam-boat, just then 
 departing for the south. I embarked in her, shak 
 ing the dust off my feet, as I left this city of abo 
 minations, in which though I had staid but two 
 days, I had seen more of the turbulent spirit of 
 democracy than in all the world beside. No won 
 der, seeing " it is peopled by thieves and robbers ;" 
 and the Quarterly affirms it to be the place where 
 the " scum of all the earth"* is collected. 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
109 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 Miraculous escape in crossing the East River to Jersey Authoi 
 makes his will previously Number of people at Communi- 
 paw on crutches His fellow-traveller, an Englishman, tells a 
 story accounting for it Manner of keeping the Sabbath Lit 
 tie Frenchman identified Inhumanity of republicans Drun 
 ken driver Philosophical reasons why republicans must na 
 turally be hard drinkers Apostrophe in praise of oriental des 
 potism, and abject poverty. 
 
 THE steam-boat in which I embarked, as stated 
 in the last chapter, conveyed us across the East 
 River to the Jersey shore, without bursting her 
 boiler, which was considered little less than a mi 
 racle, as there is scarcely a day passes without a 
 catastrophe of this kind, which is fatal to a dozen 
 or twenty people. Yet the people go on board 
 these vessels with as little hesitation as they would 
 enter their own doors. Indeed, their carelessness 
 of their own lives is equal to their disregard of 
 the lives of others, and they encounter the risk of 
 being scalded to death, with as little hesitation 
 as they feel in dirking an intimate friend, orburn- 
 10 
 
110 JOHN BULL IN AMEHICA, 
 
 ing him on a pile of logs for not drinking.* 5 For 
 my part, I took the precaution previous to my em 
 barkation, to settle my affairs and make my will. 
 It proved, however, unnecessary in this instance,, 
 as we were safely landed in the city of Communi- 
 paw, the capital of that state. 
 
 The first thing that struck me in roaming about 
 here waiting for the stage, which was delayed for 
 the purpose of giving the driver time to get drunk, 
 was the vast proportion of people upon crutches. 
 Almost every person I met had lost his feet and 
 apart of his legs ; some at the ancles, some at 
 the calves, and a few at the knees. On inquiring 
 of an Englishman, who was to be my fellow tra 
 veller, the cause of this singularity, he gave me 
 the following details, than which nothing can more 
 brilliantly illustrate the manner in whish the Sab 
 bath is kept, or rather profaned, among " these 
 bundling, gouging, spitting, swearing, dirking? 
 drinking, blaspheming republicans. "t 
 
 " You must know, sir," said my informant, 
 " that the people of this city and its neighbourhood, 
 are notorious all over the country for dancing. 
 Such is their fondness for the amusement, that they 
 don t know when to stop, and if it happens to be 
 Saturday night, they are pretty sure to dance till 
 day-light on Sunday morning, let what will hap 
 pen. About three years ago there was a grant! 
 ball given, in which the mayor, aldermen, and all 
 
 * Vide Ko. 58, Eng. Ed. j Ditto. En-. EiK 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. Ill 
 
 the fashionable people of the town were present. 
 Unluckily it happened to be Saturday night, and 
 the company continued dancing till the clock struck 
 twelve. But not a soul heard it, they were so bu 
 sy in shuffling hoe corn and ( dig potatoes, and 
 if they had, nobody would have abated a single 
 shuffle. Just as the clock struck, there came in a 
 little black gentleman, with gold ear-rings, a ma 
 hogany face, and dressed in a full suit of black, 
 except that he wore dimity breeches." 
 
 " The little Frenchman, by Heaven !" exclaim 
 ed I. 
 
 " You shall hear anon," continued he. " The 
 little black gentleman cut into a Scots reel without 
 ceremony, and danced with such extraordinary 
 vigour and agility, that every body seemed inspir 
 ed. The young fellows threw off their coats first, 
 then their waistcoats, and there is no knowing how 
 much farther they might have proceeded had not 
 good manners prevented. The buxom Dutch girls 
 of Communipaw kicked up their heels, and gam 
 boled with all the vivacity of young elephants, 
 and bundling came to be very seriously contem 
 plated. But it would have done your heart good 
 to see the fiddler, a gentleman of colour, belong 
 ing to Squire Van Bommel, who gradually got his 
 fiddle locked fast between his breast and chin, 
 where he wedged it up with both knees, while his 
 mouth gradually expanded from ear to ear, as he 
 
 played Yankee Doodle as if the d 1 was in him. 
 
 The little black gentleman was the life and soul 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA* 
 
 of the party ; bowed to every body, danced with 
 every lady, complimented every body, offered his 
 box to every body, took snuff with every body, 
 and sneezed " 
 
 " ! the little Frenchman," cried I, " I ll bet a 
 hundred pounds !" 
 
 " You shall hear," continued my companion. 
 " All was joy, laughter, capering, singing, bund 
 ling, swearing, gouging, dirking, and hilarity, when 
 by degrees the young damsels and lads began to 
 find their bare feet coming to the floor, which re 
 minded them it was time to stop dancing. But it 
 was too late now. There was a spell upon them, 
 and they continued to dance away by an irresisti 
 ble impulse, till, by-and-by, first went the skin off 
 the soles of their feet,, then the feet themselves. 
 Still they continued dancing, and the shorter their 
 legs grew, the higher they capered, and the faster 
 the fiddler played Yankee Doodle, the black gen 
 tleman vociferating all the while, in concert 
 
 " Yankee doodle keep it up, 
 
 " Yankee doodle dandy ; 
 " Mind the music and the step, 
 
 " And with the gals* be handy." 
 
 " But how did it happen," said I, " that the 
 black gentleman, alias the little Frenchman, did 
 not lose his feet and legs too?" 
 
 * This shows that even the devils don t speak good English 
 among these enlightened republicans. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 113 
 
 ic I have not said he didn t yet," replied my 
 companion. " But, however, your suggestion is 
 correct. He kept capering away without either 
 feet or legs diminishing any more than if they had 
 been of steel. But no wonder, as you will find in 
 the sequel. The company continued to caper and 
 jig it, till the legs of many were entirely danced 
 away, and it has been asserted that the fiddler s 
 chin was more than half gone. Nay, there have 
 been those who do not scruple to affirm that several 
 heads, without either feet, legs, or body at all, 
 were seen cutting pigeon wings and taking the 
 partridge run with all the alacrity imaginable. But 
 of this there is some contrariety of opinion. 
 
 " Certain it is that the dancing continued with 
 unabated vigour, the little black gentleman still 
 setting the example, and the fiddler, having en 
 tirely wore out his fiddle-strings, was sawing away, 
 tooth and nail, upon the edge of his fiddle. And 
 here I must remark a most extraordinary circum 
 stance, which is that the longer they danced, the 
 shorter they grew, by reason of their wear and 
 tear of feet, legs, &c., so that beyond all doubt 
 had they danced much longer, there would have 
 Been nothing left of them, not even the hair of 
 their heads. Luckily, however, an old one-eyed 
 game-cock, who sat upon one leg on a pole that lay 
 across the crotches of two trees, and where they 
 generally hung up their pigs by the hinder legs " 
 
 " What," interrupted I, " do they hang pigs 
 in this country?" 
 
 10* 
 
114 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " Yes," replied my companion, with a sigh, 
 " But the less we say about that the better. You 
 will hardly believe it, but they hang them up with 
 their heads downwards ;" and thereupon he took 
 out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes. Well 
 may you blush and weep over the inhumanity of 
 your countrymen, thought I. The Quarterly shall 
 hear of this. 
 
 <c But," resumed my companion in a hurried 
 manner, as if anxious to direct my attention from 
 this horrible cruelty, 6t let us go back to the old 
 cock, who about daylight clapped his wings and 
 crowed so loud that you might have heard him 
 across the river. No sooner had the little black 
 gentleman heard the clapping and crowing, than 
 he made one bound up the chimney, without mak 
 ing his bow to the company, or taking leave of six 
 ladies to whom he had engaged himself to be mar 
 ried the next morning. He was heard to sneeze 
 as he ascended the chimney, which thereupon 
 burst with a terrible explosion of red hot bricks, 
 which flew about in the sky like great fire-flies, 
 hissing like serpents. This was succeeded by a 
 shower of flour of brimstone, which cured all the 
 people thereabouts of the Scots fiddle. The fid 
 dler was found two days afterwards, with his head 
 buried in a salt marsh near Communipaw, and his 
 stumps dancing in the air, scraping Yankee Doodle 
 like a devil incarnate. The dancers all ran home." 
 
 " What," said I, " without their legs! 
 could that be-?" 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 115 
 
 u I can t say/ 7 replied he, " but run they did 
 as fast as legs could carry them, although, as you 
 have ocular demonstration, they must have done 
 it without legs. To conclude, the doctors hear 
 ing of this catastrophe, came over in shoals from 
 New- York, thinking they would have some profit 
 able job ; but, to their great mortification, found all 
 their stumps perfectly healed by what seemed to 
 be the application of a red hot iron, so that they 
 paid their ferriage across the river, and ran the risk 
 of the bursting of the boiler, for nothing. It is ob 
 served that the dancers all continue to smell of 
 brimstone to this day. The windows of the house 
 in which the dance took place, sometimes, parti 
 cularly during storms of thunder and lightning at 
 night, seem as if the whole was on fire, and 
 some have said they saw the little black gentle 
 man dancing there, surrounded by old women on 
 broomsticks. This is doubtful ; but certain it is 
 that the old one-eyed rooster was killed the fol 
 lowing Christmas night in a battle royal between 
 the Harsimusites and the Hobokenites, in which 
 the former were worsted. 77 
 
 " I suppose," said I, " this cured them of danc 
 ing on Sunday mornings?" 
 
 " Not in the least," replied he. " These very- 
 people you see upon crutches, are eternally jigging 
 it and frisking their tails. You shall see. 77 
 
 So he began whistling Yankee Doodle, and in 
 the space of five minutes, at least thirty people, 
 without a single leg between them, gathered round 
 
11G JOHN BULL IN AMEKICA. 
 
 us, dancing most incontinently. I turned in dis 
 gust from this incorrigible race of impious repub 
 licans, whom the loss of legs cannot restrain from 
 a breach of the Sabbath, and who persevere in 
 their enormities even in despite of miracles, as the 
 Quarterly says. But my reflections were inter 
 rupted by the arrival of the stage, the driver be 
 ing at length " prime bang up," that is to say, as 
 drunk as a lord. 
 
 In the course of my travels, I have often reflect 
 ed on the causes of that universal and inveterate 
 propensity to drunkenness, which is the character 
 istic of this people, and the result is, that it is an 
 other of the delectable offspring of the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy. Nothing is more certain than 
 that a people will be restrained in proportion to the 
 restraints under which they labour, as the Quarter 
 ly says. In proportion to the freedom they enjoy, 
 will be the freedom of their indulgences. It is on 
 ly by taking away the freedom of action, and the 
 means of obtaining these indulgences, that you 
 can make the vulgar either tolerably religious, or 
 decently moral. The right of self-government is 
 another word for the freedom from all moral and 
 religious restraints, and it is a clear deduction to 
 say, that a man who don t honour the king will 
 seldom fear his Maker. Again the consciousness 
 of freedom generates among the vulgar, and all free 
 people may be called vulgar, a certain degree of 
 impudence, a hardy confidence which carries a 
 man above those sulutary restraints which the 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 117 
 
 opinion and influence of society impose upon man 
 kind. Lastly, where a large portion of the people 
 can earn a superfluity, above the wants of them 
 selves and families, they will be almost certain 
 to devote their substance to riot and debauchery, 
 as the Quarterly says. 
 
 It is thus with this wretched spawn of democra 
 cy. Boasting, as they do, of the right of making 
 their own laws, they naturally claim and exercise 
 the right of breaking them whenever they please. 
 Being free from the salutary restraints of Euro 
 pean, and Oriental despotism, they naturally throw 
 off all restraint; having plenty of money beyond 
 the necessary wants of life, they naturally become 
 wasteful ; and feeling themselves equal to any and 
 every man they meet, they naturally and inevita 
 bly become insolent and intemperate. It would 
 be considered a proof of a most mean and abject 
 spirit, for a genuine republican to show his respect 
 for any society whatever, by behaving with de 
 cency and keeping himself sober. 
 
 Such being the case, happy, thrice happy, as the 
 Quarterly says, are those who have no voice in 
 making the laws, for they will be the more likely 
 to obey them. Happy, and four times happy are 
 they, who never taste the unhallowed cup of free 
 dom, for they will not be ruined by the absence 
 of all restraints. Happy, and six times happy, are 
 the people who have no taste of that fatal equality 
 which generates a vulgar confidence that disdains 
 all subserviency to rank, dress, and equipage - 
 
118 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and happy above all happy people are those, who, 
 being stinted in the means of procuring even the 
 necessaries of life, will never be able to indulge 
 in enervating pleasures, or the excesses of intem 
 perance. 
 
119 
 
 CHAP. XL 
 
 Infamous roads Infamous stages Infamous stage-drivers Re 
 publican mode of mending roads Englishmen are known \\f.\-f 
 by an air of distinction Story of the English emigrant to 
 English Prairie Sudden obscurity of the atmosphere Rea 
 son of it Indian summer, its real origin Stage starts and 
 leaves the author behind Insolence of the driver Spirit of 
 democracy Miserable effects of freedom Universal stimulus 
 wanting in a republic Gross and impertinent freedoms ii* 
 republicans. 
 
 UNDER the protection of that Providence, which 
 is said to take the special guardianship of drunk 
 en stage-drivers, we proceeded on, over one of 
 the most rocky, rutty, and infamous roads I ever 
 travelled. The spirit of democracy disdains t.o 
 pay any regard to the laws for mending roads, it 
 being an approved maxim, that the best Way to 
 mend the roads is to let them mend themselves. 
 Yet notwithstanding all this, there are turnpike 
 gates every two or three miles, especially in New- 
 England, and the other southern states, where 
 they take enormous toll of all strangers, p .ar 1 
 
120 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 ticularly Englishmen, who being distinguished 
 by a certain air of nobility, which causes them to 
 be all taken for my lords by the French and 
 Italians, are easily detected by the cunning Yan 
 kees. 
 
 But notwithstanding the situation of the driver, 
 and the roughness of the roads, we proceeded on 
 without any accident, and rather more pleasantly 
 than usual. My companion turned out to be an 
 intelligent Englishman, which, in truth, I had sus 
 pected before, though indeed I might have known 
 it by his speaking such pure English. By de 
 grees we became sociable, for I saw he was a man of 
 education and discernment, by his always address 
 ing me as my lord. One inquiry Jed to another, 
 and at length he told me his story, which I shall 
 set down word for word, as a warning to my sim 
 ple, credulous countrymen, who are allured to this 
 land of promise by the modern Moses of transat 
 lantic speculation, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 " I was very well hofifat ome," said he, " av- 
 ing a good farm, with comfortable hout-ouses, and 
 plenty of stock, say five undred Norfolk sheep, 
 forty or fifty Bakewell cows, and two bulls of the 
 Tees-water breed. But someow hor hother, I 
 went beindand every year. The rents hi paid to 
 keep hup the dignity of the nobleman, my land 
 lord the taxes hi paid to support the splendours 
 of the king, God bless im the tithes hi paid for 
 supporting the established church, without which 
 hevery body knows there can be no religion and 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 121 
 
 the poor rates which hi paid to keep hup that state 
 of poverty and dependence, without which no 
 people can be virtuous and appy hall these put 
 together, pulled me down hevery year by little 
 hand little. But hall these were has notiiing com 
 pared to certain hother matters. The cost of main 
 taining hold Hengland, in the igh latitude of the 
 bulwark of religion, fell ard upon me then haf- 
 ter that, the putting down of Bonaparte, hand 
 securing the liberties hoff Heurope, fleeced me 
 pretty andsomely. But hi might ave got hover 
 these, but for a plentiful arvest, which coming on 
 the back of hall the rest, stripped me of the fruits 
 of my labours, hand brought me pretty deeply 
 in debt. 
 
 " Habout this time, Satan, who halways his hat 
 ha man s helbows hin time hof distress, threw hin 
 my way that mischievous radical Birkbeck s book 
 liabout the Henglish Prairie, which seduced me 
 hinto the hidea of selling hoff my hall and hemi- 
 grating to Hamerrykey." 
 
 <: Did you ever read the Quarterly ?" said I. 
 
 " Nay but hi have h attended the quarter ses 
 sions pretty regularly for many years past," re 
 plied he. 
 
 " Ah ! what a pity what a pity," said I " if 
 you had only read the Quarterly you d never have 
 come to this land of gouging, dirking, bundling, 
 and guessing." 
 
 " Hi guess not," quoth he, and went on with 
 his story. 
 
 11 
 
122 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA* 
 
 " Hi was ha saying, that Birkbeck s book fefi 
 hin my way, hand gave such ha seducing pic 
 ture of the Prairie, that hi sold hoff, and all the 
 stock hi ad saved, from the landlord, the king, 
 the church, the paupers, the bulwark of religion, 
 the securing hof the liberties hof Heurope, hand 
 the plentiful arvest. The proceeds hi turned into 
 guineas, hand quilted them into the waistband hof 
 my breeches." 
 
 I shall here give the remainder of his narrative 
 in Yankee English, for really I have been just long 
 enough here to find the writing of pure English 
 rather awkward. 
 
 " I embarked," continued my companion, "for 
 Boston, which, I learned from a gentleman who 
 told me he superintended the geography of the 
 Quarterly Review, was close by English Prairie, 
 On landing there, which I did without being ship 
 wrecked, although the vessel was a Yankee, and 
 the captain and crew drunk all the voyage, the 
 first thing I did was to ask how far it was to 
 English Prairie ? I was in a hurry, and wanted 
 to get there before night. The landlord, of whom 
 I inquired, after scratching his head some time> 
 replied : 
 
 " English Prairie are you going there ?" 
 Yes I expect to be there before dark." 
 " Do you ? Why then I guess you mean to 
 travel in a balloon don t you ?" 
 
 " Dam me, sir," replied I, " do you mean to 
 me?" 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 123 
 
 - Hoax what s that?" 
 
 I say quiz me." 
 
 Quizwhat s that ?" 
 
 " I say," replied I, " can you tell me how far it 
 is to English Prairie ?" 
 
 " Why, if you really wish to know I can t 
 say exactly, for I never was there but I should 
 guess it can t be less than twelve hundred miles, or 
 thereabouts." 
 
 " Twelve hundred d Is," cried I. 
 
 "No, not devils," said Jonathan, " but miles; 
 and devilish long miles, I reckon." 
 
 " Looking about, I saw a map of the states, 
 which, by the way, is a usual thing all over this 
 country, the people being eternally travelling by 
 maps. On examination, I found, to my utter as 
 tonishment, that brother Jonathan was right. I 
 might as well have gone to English Prairie by way 
 of the Cape of Good Hope, as Boston. This was 
 one of the first blessed effects of Birkbeck s book. 
 On referring to it, I found, indeed, that he had sta 
 ted the distance and the route, but it had escaped 
 my notice, confound him. 
 
 " However, since I had come so far, I thought 
 I would not go back with a flea in my ear, and so 
 I determined to seek the distant land of promise." 
 
 " What a pity what a pity," interrupted I, 
 " you never read the Quarterly." 
 
 " I am determined to read nothing else from this 
 time forward at least if I can procure a copy," 
 replied he; upon which I handed him the English 
 
 <v 
 
124 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 copy of the fifty-eighth number, telling him it was 
 heartily at his service during the time we travel 
 led together. He thanked me, called me my lord 
 three times, and proceeded. 
 
 " It would be tedious to give an account of the 
 difficulties, mortifications, insults, dangers, and 
 scrapes I encountered in my journey. I was four 
 times, robbed of all I had in the world. I was six 
 times gouged, eight times dirked, and several 
 times roasted at a log fire, before I arrived at Eng 
 lish Prairie. By the blessing of Providence, how 
 ever, I got there at last, and much good did it do 
 me. My first disappointment in not meeting the 
 back country close by the sea shore, was nothing to 
 those I encountered here. Instead of finding the 
 back woods all cleared away, comfortable houses, 
 barns, fences, hedges, ditches, school-houses, 
 churches, bishops, noblemen, and kings, I found 
 a parcel of rude, hard-working men, with axes on 
 one shoulder, "and guns on the other. The first 
 thing they told me was to cut down the trees, 
 which were generally about the size of a hogshead. 
 I laid close siege to one for three days, and found 
 by a pretty clear deduction, that it would take 
 five days more to bring it to the earth. I then 
 counted the trees upon my plantation, and disco 
 vered that if I lived to the age of Methuselah, I 
 might possibly clear a place big enough for a po 
 tato patch. 
 
 " My next inquiry was, as to how they procur 
 ed their food. You must go into the woods/ 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 125 
 
 said a fellow in a hunting shirt and moccasons, 
 there is plenty of deer and wild turkeys. But 
 I never fired a gun in my life/ answered I. Then 
 
 what the d 1 sent you here? cried he, at the 
 
 same time gouging out one of my eyes, I suppose 
 to qualify me to take aim with proper accuracy. 
 Not being able to cut down trees, or shoot deer 
 and wild turkeys, I was in a fair way of starving. 
 I resolved for the last resort, the poor-house. 
 But in this barbarous place, there was no poor- 
 house to be found. I then applied to my good 
 neighbour, who had favoured me by gouging out 
 one eye, for apiece of venison. He gave me a sad 
 dle and a wild turkey, saying, at the same time, in 
 the most unfeeling manner, every body works 
 here,, friend, and every man provides for himself. 
 Don t come again begging. Whereupon he goug 
 ed out another eye. Shortly after he came to in 
 vite me to a barbacue, as it is called, which is a 
 sort of feast, where they generally serve up a ba 
 ked Indian or two, whom they have hunted and 
 shot in the course of the morning. I expressed my 
 abhorrence of this cannibal feast, and declined go 
 ing, upon which he gouged out another eye, and 
 swore he d not leave a single eye in my head if I 
 did nt go. Thinking it better to eat Indians than 
 be blind, I signified my consent, and accompanied 
 this hospitable person. 
 
 "It would be impossible to describe this feast. 
 Suffice it to say, that it ended in a scene of drunk 
 enness and bloodshed, that was enough to sicken a 
 11* 
 
1-26 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 pirate or a republican. The conclusion was, that 
 every soul present was either murdered or left in 
 sensible on the ground after which they threw 
 me upon a log-fire, and burnt me to a cinder, be 
 cause I wouldn t drink f confusion to the Holy 
 Alliance. My misfortunes did not end here ; in 
 one night they robbed me of twenty or thirty 
 pigs, it being their maxim that it is more conve 
 nient to steal than buy, which constitutes the quin 
 tessence of republican ethics,* as the Quarterly 
 says. I was on my way to the judge, to complain 
 of this theft, when I met my gouging friend, to 
 whom I related my misfortune. He burst into a 
 horse-laugh, which resolved itself into a yell, and 
 tapered off with the Indian war-whoop. When 
 he had done, he solemnly assured me that my pigs 
 were now in the judge s pen ; that his honour was 
 the most noted pig-stealer in the place, and had 
 been elevated to the bench solely on that account, 
 it being shrewdly suspected that he would let off 
 all the pig-stealers, who constitute the majority of 
 the people, from a fellow feeling. < It is of no use/ 
 said he, ( to go to the judge. The only remedy 
 you have, is to try and steal somebody else s pigs, 
 If you can rob the judge, you will get his place to 
 a certainty. I expressed an abhorrence of this 
 mode of righting myself; upon which he swore I 
 had reflected upon the native character, and gouged 
 out one of my eyes. 
 
 " Soon after, it was buzzed about that I had been 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eug. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 127 
 
 on the point of appealing to the laws for redress, 
 and moreover demurred to the Indian^law of reta 
 liation, the only law in force at English Prairie. 
 For these heinous offences, I was informed pri 
 vately, by a worthy English settler, who had been 
 like me seduced by Mr. Birkbeck, that they had 
 hired a man to dirk me for ten dollars, the usual 
 price of blood in this country, as Mr. Chichester 
 says.* Thinking it high time to take care of my 
 self, I sold my land at less than half price, to the 
 worthy English settler, and made off, with all the 
 speed in my power, for a civilized Christian land. 
 I had almost forgot to tell you, that just on the 
 skirt of the Prairie, I met a party of ladies, belong 
 ing to the settlement, who roasted me alive, at a 
 log-fire. It was a mercy that I escaped." 
 
 " Pray," said I, when he had finished, "do they 
 ever read the Quarterly at English Prairie?" 
 
 " The Quarterly! Lord bless you they read 
 nothing but Tom Paine. I never saw any other 
 book in all the Western country/ 
 
 " Not read the Quarterly !" exclaimed I "Ah, 
 that accounts for their barbarity." 
 
 We now entered a dense, smoky, drizzling at- 
 mfcsphere, which succeeded so suddenly to a bright 
 cloudless day. that we did not know what to make 
 of it. As we proceeded, the density and drizzling 
 increased, so that it became impossible to distin 
 guish the road, which, however, was of the less 
 consequence, as our driver had been for some time 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
128 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 nodding on his seat fast asleep. Suddenly the 
 horses stopped of themselves, at what after a con 
 siderable degree of peering about, I discovered to 
 be a house, on the long piazza of which were seat 
 ed an immense number of fat fellows, with broad- 
 brimmed hats, smoking and spitting in the true re 
 publican style, that is to say, in every one s faces.* 
 This circumstance accounted for the smoky and 
 drizzling atmosphere, which extended upwards of 
 three miles in circumference, and obscured the 
 whole city, which was called Communipaw. Such 
 is the extent of this practice of smoking tobacco, 
 that at a certain period of the year, during the au 
 tumn, when the people of the country have finish 
 ed gathering in the products of their fields, and 
 their leisure time comes, they commence a smok 
 ing festival, in which every man, woman, and 
 child partakes. This festival lasts five or six 
 weeks, during which time the atmosphere through 
 out the whole extent of the country becomes so 
 hazy, and obscure, that they are obliged to burn 
 candles all day, and a perpetual drizzling prevails, 
 owing to the unseemly habit of spitting, which all 
 our English travellers have heretofore noticed 
 among these immaculate republicans. This season 
 is called the Indian summer, and the people pre 
 tend to ascribe it to the Indian custom of burning 
 the long grass of the immense Prairies in the west". 
 But the above is the true solution, I can assure my 
 readers. 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Being resolved not to sit still in the stage, and 
 be spitten to death, for all the stages here are 
 without covering, for the convenience of letting in 
 the rain, I jumped out and sheltered myself under 
 a. neighbouring shed. By-and-by I heard the dri 
 ver calling for his passengers, but I was determined 
 not to be hurried, and took no notice of his inso 
 lence. Presently I heard the cracking of the whip 
 and the rumbling of the wheels, when I thought to 
 myself I had better condescend to call and stop 
 him. Accordingly I sallied forth in the fog and 
 drizzle, calling out to stop as loud as I could bawl, 
 and running every now and then against a long 
 pipe, invisible in the obscurity. The sound of 
 the wheels served as a sort of guide through the 
 Cimmerian shades ; but as ill luck would have it, 
 just as I came up with the stage, which I afterwards 
 discovered had been stopped at the pressing in 
 stances of my companion, I unfortunately fell into 
 a ditch by the road side, where I. was grievously 
 annoyed by a concert of frogs, which mistaking 
 me, I suppose, for king Log, jumped upon me, and 
 sung with true republican melody. 
 
 " You democratic rascal," cried I to the driver, 
 " what business had you to go off without me?" 
 
 " Why," replied the impudent scoundrel, " I 
 thought you had gone off without me. I hollowed 
 till my throat was so dry, that I was obliged to 
 call for a pint of whiskey to whet my whistle." 
 
 " But why didn t you stop when I called?" 
 
 " Why," replied the villain, " it was so foggy 
 I couldn t see which way the sound came from. ? 
 
1 30 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Upon this I was going to thrash him soundly for 
 his insolence, when my companion advised me 
 not. " If you attempt it," said he, " ten to one 
 you will lose both eyes, and the better part of your 
 nose, for this fellow has exactly the look of a first- 
 rate gouger." I thereupon determined to put up 
 with the affair, considering it a portion of that se 
 ries of imposition, impudence, rudeness, and bar 
 barity which constitutes the basis of the republican 
 character.* 
 
 It is in truth impossible to be in this country a 
 day without being thoroughly convinced of the 
 fact, that the possession of freedom necessarily 
 brings with it an overwhelming mass of ignorance, 
 corruption, and barbarity.! This position is sup 
 ported by the history of the world, and the exam 
 ple of all nations. The republics of Greece were 
 little better than nests of barbarous libertines, as is 
 proved by the licentious freedoms which Terence, 
 and other comic writers, took with persons in au 
 thority at Athens ; their banishment of Grotius, 
 and others, the most illustrious of their citizens. 
 Their whole claim to learning consisted in being 
 able to talk Greek ; and as to their excellence in 
 the mechanical arts, such as sculpture and^ainting, 
 they are far excelled by the manufactories of Bir 
 mingham and Sheffield, in skill, and by the pot-ba 
 kers of Staffordshire, in the art of painting. And 
 how can it be otherwise, since it is morally im 
 possible it should be otherwise in all free states. 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. f Ditto. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 131 
 
 The great and universal stimulus to excellence 
 of every kind, is a desire to please those above us. 
 To the applauses of our equals we are indifferent, 
 and the admiration of our inferiors only excites 
 our contempt. A conquering general, followed 
 by thousands of people shouting at his heels, throw 
 ing up their caps, and giving way to all the extra 
 vagances of vulgar enthusiasm, looks with indif 
 ference at the crowd, and sighs for the glorious 
 privilege of being permitted to kneel at the foot 
 stool of his most august and gracious sovereign, 
 and to kiss his hand. What is the applause and 
 admiration of a whole people compared to being 
 made a knight companion of Bath, and called sir? 
 This noble desire to please the great, is founded on 
 the conviction, that they alone are worth pleasing, 
 because they only have the power of rewarding. It 
 is by their approbation and influence alone, that 
 merit can hope to attain to its reward in the pos 
 session of titles, the only object of honourable am 
 bition ; and of wealth, the sole means of rational 
 enjoyment, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 But where there is no distinction of rank, and 
 all men are equal, the universal stimulus is want 
 ing. There is nobody to please worth pleasing, be 
 cause there are no kings, or nobility, whose smile 
 alone confers distinction ; and there is nothing 
 worth asking our genius to attain, because there 
 are neither titles, ribbons, nor pensions. Hence 
 arises the lamentable lack of illustrious men., in 
 ancient as well as modern republics, and the de- 
 
132 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 plorable contrast they exhibit compared with the 
 splendours of Sesostris, Xerxes, Alaric, and prince 
 Esterhazy in his diamond coat. It is unnecessa 
 ry to multiply examples to prove that the human 
 mind can never attain to its highest elevation in a 
 republic, and that as the United States never have, 
 so it is probable they never will, produce a truly 
 great man until their government has titles, pen 
 sions, and ribbons to bestow, as the Quarterly says. 
 The same causes lie at the root of that coarse 
 ness, rudeness, and forwardness of manner, for 
 which these immaculate republicans (as the Quar 
 terly says*) are so infamously distinguished. All 
 the regulations of polite life, and all refinements of 
 manners, are the result of imitation, and people 
 never think of imitating their equals, much less 
 their inferiors. Now, nothing can be clearer than 
 that where all are equal, as in this immaculate re 
 public, there can be nobody to be imitated, and 
 consequently no refinement of manners, and no 
 judicious perception of what is due to themselves 
 or to others. People unacquainted with the di 
 vine majesty of a king, the splendours of his 
 nobility, and the wealth of his bishops, cannot 
 possibly have any proper idea of the dignity 
 of human nature. Having no standard among 
 them, it is plain they must degenerate into barba 
 rism, merely for want of a proper example. Thai 
 awe which seizes the mind in the presence of a 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 133 
 
 king, runs through all the gradations of life. In 
 the presence of a nobleman, it becomes a due re 
 spect for rank in that of a bishop, a proper sense 
 of religion and finally, by degrees, it settles down 
 into that refined sentiment of politeness, which 
 proportions its attentions to the dress, equipage, 
 and general appearance of wealth a man exhibits to 
 the world. 
 
 Here, on the contrary, where the vulgar system 
 of equality extends to all classes, there exists a cer 
 tain low emulation of the pretensions of every man 
 who carries any appearance of superiority or holds 
 himself aloof from the crowd. If he does not sit 
 at table with tag, rag, and bobtail, and condescend 
 to sleep three in a bed with any body the landlord 
 pleases to select for his companions, he may reck 
 on himself fortunate in escaping without the loss 
 of an eye and a piece of his nose. An instance of 
 this barbarous antipathy to broadcloth coats occur 
 red in the steam-boat, coming from Boston, which 
 I omitted to notice at the time. I was dressed in 
 a blue frock of Shepherd s best regent cloth, hand 
 somely embroidered, and every thing else in the 
 first London style, leaning over the side railing, 
 when I felt some one almost touch my elbow. 
 On turning round, there was a fellow in a gray 
 suit of domestic manufactures, a half-worn hat 
 that smacked of the last century, and shoes with 
 soles at least an inch thick. If the truth was 
 known, I verily believe he wore hob-nails in 
 them. I gave him a look which would have sent 
 12 
 
134 JOHN B*LL IN AMERICA. 
 
 a peasant in any civilized country, about his bu 
 siness in a hurry. But the creature remained 
 hanging over the railing, close at my elbow, and 
 on our passing a fir-built vessel with a bit of strip 
 ed bunting at her mast-head, had the impudence to 
 speak to me. <r That, I believe, is Old Irorfsides," 
 said he. I looked at him with a vacant stare, and 
 said nothing. "I was saying," resumed the home 
 spun creature, " that ship is the United States fri 
 gate Constitution. What a fine old ship !" and 
 then his eyes sparkled most intolerably. I look 
 ed at him with my quizzing glass, dropt my under 
 lip, and turned on my heel, without taking any 
 further notice of him or Old Ironsides, and walked 
 to another part of the boat. In about half a minute 
 he followed me. 
 
 <c Pray, sir/ said he, ee have you the misfor 
 tune to be deaf?" No answer. 
 
 " Are. you dumb, sir?" No answer, but a per 
 severing reconnoitre through the quizzing glass. 
 
 " If you can neither speak nor hear, may be you 
 can feel," said the turbulent spawn of democracy, 
 raising his fist which was luckily arrested by the 
 little Frenchman, who, I suppose, was resolved 
 that nobody should murder me but himself. " Dia- 
 ble !" cried the little man, " what is the matter 
 what has Monsieur John Bull done, that you will 
 knock him down, eh ?" A Frenchman, somehow 
 or other, can do any thing with barbarians. The 
 homespun monster dropped his huge paw, and re 
 sumed a perfect good humour. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 135 
 
 " I am wrong," said he, " because he is a stran 
 ger I perceive. Had he been one of my own coun 
 trymen, I would have licked him for his ill man 
 ners." 
 
 " Why, what did Monsieur do?" asked the lit 
 tle Frenchman. 
 
 " I spoke to him twice, and he would not an 
 swer me. It is the duty of every gentleman to 
 answer a civil question. He was a stranger and 
 alone, and I thought I would speak to him." 
 
 "Diable!" said the little man, "don t you 
 know this is the great Monsieur John Bull, the 
 bulwark of religion, the grand restorer of the 
 liberties of Europe, who gained the battle of Wa 
 terloo all by himself, and who is the most learned, 
 polite, and refined gentleman in the whole world? 
 Eh bien it is lucky he did not look you stone 
 dead. Don t you see his coat cost ten times as 
 much as yours? Diable I it was great courage to 
 speak to him once, much more twice." 
 
 Here all the company burst into a coarse repub 
 lican laugh, I could never tell at what, and the 
 homespun monster departed with something on 
 his tongue which sounded veryjnuch like " a dumb 
 founded potato." From this little anecdote the 
 reader may form some faint idea of the gross free 
 dom which pervades the manners of these repub 
 licans, who pay no more respect to regent s cloth 
 than they would to the regent himself. 
 
136 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 Miserable country People astonished to hear him talk English 
 Arrive at an inn Six or seven de.ul justices lying in the 
 court-yard None of the Americans speak or write English 
 Filial piety and parental affection among genuine republican? 
 Mint juleps Barbarous indifference to life in republics 
 Pig-stealing Conversation with the emigrant Broiling a re 
 publican Republicans great snorers Dr. Thornton s reasons 
 for it Night scene Is robbed Landlord s ethics Apos 
 trophe to liberty Phenomenon of emigrants explained 
 Anxiety of republican damsels to attract Englishmen Pull 
 ing caps Meets an old acquaintance, 
 
 AFTER travelling all day over rough roads, and 
 through a dreary, barren wilderness, which is, 
 however, considered one of the best peopled and 
 best cultivated parts of the country, and where 
 every body was astonished to hear me speak Eng 
 lish, we arrived late in the evening at Louisville, 
 1 the capital of the state of Tennessee. In walking 
 up from the stage-coach to the inn, I stumbled over 
 something, and what was my horror at discover 
 ing a dead body weltering in blood ! A little way 
 further on, I stumbled over another, and in this 
 
JOHN BULL IK AMERICA. 137 
 
 way encountered six or seven, in less than the 
 space of thirty yards. Inquiring the cause of their 
 deaths, and the reason of their exposure in this 
 manner, the landlord seemed at a loss to under 
 stand me for a few minutes, which I ascribed to 
 my speaking pure English. After a little reflec 
 tion, however, he seemed to recollect himself. 
 
 " ay yes I recollect we had a blow out 
 here last Sunday, and half a dozen troublesome 
 fellows, they call justices, were done for by the 
 brave rowdies.* They won y t interrupt sport again 
 I guess." 
 
 I turned sick at the barbarous indifference of 
 this immaculate republican, and asked him why 
 they suffered these bodies to remain thus without 
 burial. " 0, we let them lie there as a warning 
 to our meddlesome magistrates, how they inter 
 rupt gentlemanly sports again. We were just 
 roasting a John Bull for not drinking his allow 
 ance of whiskey, when these gentry thought pro 
 per to interfere, but we soon did their business." 
 I may as well remark here once for all, that if I 
 make these republicans talk good English in my 
 journal, it is only because it is utterly impossible 
 to reduce their jargon to writing, and if it were, 
 no civilized reader could possibly understand it. 
 There is not a being living, who is a native of the 
 states, that can talk or write English. 
 
 I designed to question mine host still farther on 
 this matter, but just at the moment there was a 
 
 Vide Quarterly. 
 12* 
 
 
^138 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 great uproar in an adjoining room, accompanied by 
 cries of murder, upon which he hurried away " to 
 see the sport," as he was pleased to term it. This 
 sport, as I afterwards learned, consisted in a pro 
 mising young republican of about seventeen, at 
 tempting to gouge his father, who had refused to 
 call for another mint julep. My companion, who 
 happened to look in, attempted to interfere, but 
 narrowly escaped losing one, if not both his eyes, 
 by the hands of the old gentleman, (every body is 
 a gentleman here,) who caned him for his imperti 
 nent interference, patting the promising youth on 
 the head, and swearing he would turn out a true 
 republican. Not content with a single julep, he 
 called fora whole gallon, and they both got loving 
 ly drunk together. Such, indeed, is the rage for 
 mint juleps here, that nobody will buy a farm at 
 any price unless it produces plenty of mint. 
 
 Reflecting on the barbarous indifference to life 
 which characterizes these republicans,* I did not 
 know but they might take it into their heads to kill 
 me, and therefore proposed to my companion, the 
 worthy emigrant, that we should sleep in the same 
 room that night, for mutual comfort and protection. 
 He seemed delighted with the proposal, and we 
 accordingly, after supper, adjourned to a double- 
 bedded room, the door of which we locked, my 
 friend putting the key into his pocket for safety. He 
 then took out the fifty-eighth number of the Quar 
 terly and began to read the review of Faux s cele 
 brated tour in America, which he said he could 
 
 * Vide Quarterly*. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 139 
 
 almost swear he had written himself, so exactly did 
 it tally with his own observation and experience. 
 
 "And do the judges actually steal pigs?" in 
 quired I. " Pigs!" answered my friend, " ay, 
 and every thing else they can lay their hands on. 
 It is a common thing for them to summon a man 
 before them, in order to insure his absence from 
 home, that they may have, an opportunity of rob 
 bing his pig-sty without interruption." 
 
 " And they take bribes too, I suppose?" 
 
 " You may say that," replied he. " There is 
 not a judge in the whole country that can resist a 
 pig or two. But it is seldom so high a bribe is 
 offered, except when a man wants to be acquitted 
 of two or three murders. The most common dou 
 ceur is a paper of pins, and for this you may get a 
 decision which will entitle you to a thousand or 
 two acres of the best land in the world. You will 
 have to kill half a dozen squatters in order to get 
 possession, but this is considered a mere trifle." 
 
 " And were you not jesting when you talked 
 about their burning people on a log fire, when they 
 refuse to drink?" 
 
 " Not in the least," said he ; " I solemnly assure 
 you that nothing is more common than such a frolic. 
 I knew several instances of fathers serving their own 
 children, and boys their own fathers, in this man 
 ner, during my stay at English Prairie, and it is 
 certain the custom is common in all the states." 
 
 Just at this instant a most poignant smell pervad 
 ed our room, like that which accompanies the broil- 
 * Vide Quarterly, 
 
140 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ing of a rasher of bacon on the coals. My friend 
 snuffed up the savoury effusion, and exclaimed, 
 
 " There ! they are at it now, I ll bet a thous 
 and pounds. They re broiling some poor fellow 
 to a certainty."* 
 
 " Tis bacon," said I. 
 
 " ? Tis a man," said he. " I can swear to the 
 smell. I ve had too much experience to be mista 
 ken." And thereupon he began reading the fifty- 
 eighth number of the Quarterly again with tears 
 in his eyes. 
 
 It now waxed late in the night. The uproar of 
 the inn gradually died away, the smell of the broil 
 ed republican subsided, and nothing was now 
 heard save the owl, the whippoor-will, the bull 
 frog, the wolf, the watch-dog, and the sonorous 
 tuning of many a vocal nose, chaunting sweet hal 
 lelujahs to the pure spirit of democracy. The 
 Americans are, in truth, the greatest snorers in the 
 world, which is doubtjess owing to their all sleep 
 ing with their mouths wide open. I was /puzzled 
 to account for this habit, until Dr. Thornton after 
 wards assured me they slept with their mouths 
 wide open for the convenience of swallowing a 
 mint julep, which was always poured down their 
 throats before they awoke in the morning, to keep 
 them from getting the intermitting fever. Late 
 as it was, I felt no inclination to sleep. I looked 
 out of the. window, and by the light of the moon 
 could distinguish the bodies of the unfortunate 
 magistrates, their pale faces turned upwards, and 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 141 
 
 their white teeth shining in the silvery ray. Pre 
 sently I saw a man cautiously stealing along to 
 wards the piggery, which is always in one corner 
 of the kitchen, for the sake of security. He dis 
 appeared through the kitchen window; in a few 
 moments a musket was fired, and I heard no more 
 of the matter. The next morning all was explain 
 ed. It was a neighbouring judge, who feeling an 
 inclination for one of mine host s fat porkers, inva 
 ded his pig-sty that night. But to use the land 
 lord s choice phrase, " he got his bitters," that 
 is to say, he was shot through the head by mine 
 host, who was on the watch, and I saw his body 
 lying with the rest the next day. 
 
 Still sleep fled from my eyes, " the innocent 
 sleep," for it could not exist amid these republican 
 horrors. My companion grew more and more ar 
 dent in his persuasions for me to go to bed. " We 
 will take turns to watch, and I will begin Have 
 you any arms ? give them to me." I handed him 
 my pistols, and at length overcome by his persua 
 sions went to bed. It was long ere I could com 
 pose myself to rest; but at length the fatigues of 
 the day gradually overpowered my apprehensions 
 and I fell asleep. How long I slept I know not 
 but I was disturbed by something rummaging un 
 der my pillow, where I had placed my watch and 
 pocket-book. The lights were all out, and I could 
 see nothing; but thinking the little Frenchman 
 was certainly come again, I called out " murder," 
 as loud as I could, and thereupon heard the door 
 
142 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Open, and somebody run off down the passage, as 
 fast as possible. Presently mine host and several 
 other per .ms, came into the room with lights, and 
 inquired what was the matter? 
 
 " There has been an attempt to rob and murder 
 me," replied I. 
 
 " Well, what of that?" replied mine host 
 " You need not have made such an infernal uproar, 
 and disturbed the whole house about nothing." 
 
 " Nothing ! do you call robbing and murdering 
 a man nothing?" 
 
 " Yes," replied he, " just next to nothing. I 
 have known a dozen people robbed and murdered 
 in this house, with less noise than the stirring of a 
 mouse. But let us see if you have lost any thing?" 
 
 On examination, I found my watch and pocket- 
 book, which I had placed under iny pillow, safe ; 
 but my pockets were rifled, and my pistols miss 
 ing, together with the fifty-eighth number of the 
 Quarterly. 
 
 " But where is your companion ?" asked some 
 one. " Far enough from hence, by this time, I ll 
 warrant you ;" said mine host. 
 
 < What d ye mean by that?" said I. 
 
 " I mean that he has got your purse and pistols, 
 and you won t see him again in a hurry. The mo 
 ment he came into the house last night, I knew 
 him for the English swindler, who broke jail last 
 spring. 5 
 
 " And why didn t you tell me he was a swin 
 dler ?" said I indignantly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 143 
 
 ; Why, to say the truth, I took you for another. 
 Such pointers generally hunt in couples. Besides, 
 there is so little difference among us genuine re 
 publicans, between an honest man and a swindler, 
 that the distinction is not worth pointing out/ 
 
 " I shall go to the justice and lay an informa 
 tion," said I. 
 
 " You needn t give yourself the trouble," re 
 plied mine host carelessly : " there was but one 
 justice left in all this county, and him I shot* last 
 night for making free with my pig-sty. 
 
 " 0, liberty !" ejaculated I, in the bitterness of 
 my heart, " thou art but a name or rather thou 
 art a name for all that degrades and disgraces hu 
 man nature. Well may the Quarterly" Here 
 my soliloquy was cut short by the blowing of the 
 driver s tin trumpet, the signal for departure. 
 
 The disappointed emigrantfrom English Prairie 
 did not make his appearance, and I pursued my 
 journey, wrapt in solitary reflections. Insensi 
 bly I fell into a train of thought which led to an 
 inquiry into the extraordinary paradox, that a 
 country like this, destitute of every virtue, and 
 devoid of every attraction under heaven,* should 
 thus have imposed upon the whole world (except 
 the Quarterly Reviewers) and lured from all parts 
 of Christendom, crowds of emigrants, who tired 
 as it would seem, of the calm and happy security 
 of legitimate governments, have sought misery 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
144 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and disappointment in these barbarous wilds. But 
 mankind, thought I, have ever been the dupes of 
 boastful pretension, and arrogant assumptions of 
 superiority. The credulity of ignorance is un 
 bounded ; and when we revert to the belief even 
 of sages and philosophers; the errors of Galileo 
 and Copernicus, with regard to the great system 
 of the universe, the blunders of JNfewton, and the 
 follies of Philopoemen, it were hardly just to blame 
 the*errors of the common people. It is, therefore, 
 excusable in the peasantry of distant countries, 
 that they should be thus seduced by thousands, to 
 leave their homes, by the impudent falsehoods 
 every day palmed upon them by Mr. Birkbeck, 
 and other retailers of radical trash. 
 
 But there is one thing which puzzled me at first. 
 Notwithstanding the disappointments of these poor 
 people, their being gouged, dirked, roasted, and 
 having their pigs stolen by the judges ; their being 
 regulated ajad rowdied, and obliged to cut down 
 trees as big round as a hogshead notwithstanding 
 there is neither law, gospel, decency, or morality 
 in the whole country, and that no honest person 
 can possibly live in it; notwithstanding that every 
 emigrant, without exception* is sighing ready to 
 break his heart, to get home ; notwithstanding all 
 this, I say it is a remarkable fact, that not one in 
 a thousand ever goes home again ! They actually 
 seem to be fascinated to the spot, by the charm of 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 145 
 
 misery and despair, like the bird which flies into 
 the jaws of the rattle snake, in pure horror of his 
 detestable rattles, and poisonous tooth. Nay, some 
 of them even contaminate the pure Cockney blood 
 of Englishmen, of which the old giants were so 
 excessively fond,* by mixing it with that of the 
 " guessing, gouging, bundling damsels" of this 
 detestable democracy. Not content with flirting 
 with them, they actually marry them, that is, when 
 they are very rich, which indeed is some extenua 
 tion. But in justice to these unfortunate men, 1 
 must acknowledge that such are the pains taken 
 by these republican damsels to attract and entrap 
 our countrymen, that it is a miracle that any one 
 escapes. I happened to go a second time into a 
 shop, not long since, to buy a laced cap, on specu 
 lation, for which the man asked nearly twice as 
 much as when I looked at it some time before. 
 On my complaining of this, he replied 
 
 " 0, sir, the price of laced caps has risen a hun 
 dred per cent, lately." 
 
 " From what cause?" said I. 
 
 " Why, sir, the truth is, that Major Tightbody, 
 the tall, handsome Englishman, has lately arrived, 
 and the young ladies have been pulling caps for 
 him at such a rate, that it is computed upwards of 
 five hundred have been more or less torn to pieces 
 
 * " Fee, faw, fum, 
 
 I smell the blood of Englishmen, 
 Dead or alive I will have some." 
 
 Jack the, Giant-Killer. 
 13 
 
146 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 in consequence. Judging from your appearance, 
 sir," continued he, bowing, " I should not be sur 
 prised if you had been accessary to the destruction 
 of a few. Whereupon I bought his cap without 
 further hesitation. But to return : 
 
 The pertinacity with which these poor deluded 
 emigrants persist in remaining in this miserable, 
 degraded, debauched, deistical country, convinces 
 me that people may actually be persuaded out of 
 their five senses. This is the only way of explain 
 ing the phenomenon ; for it is impossible, by any 
 other hypothesis to account for their continuing 
 to suffer in this dog s misery when they can be 
 sent home free of expense, provided they will on 
 ly make affidavit on their arrival that there is nei 
 ther food, raiment, religion, law, or honesty among 
 these republicans. As an illustration of this unac 
 countable attachment to misery, I will state an in 
 cident that occurred to me in Philadelphia. In 
 strolling about one morning, who should I meet 
 but the unfortunate, deluded, and seduced emigrant 
 I had picked out of the gutter in New-York, and 
 procured a free passage to England. The fellow 
 was, as usual, pretty handsomely " corned," as 
 my friend, the communicative traveller has it. 
 On expressing my surprise, at his being still here, 
 in this miserable country, he hickupped out 
 
 " Why, please your Lordship, I considered bet 
 ter of it afterwards" for, says I, " this is a d <<1 
 miserable country to be sure, but then Old Eng 
 land is rather worse, and a prudent man, will al- 
 
10HN BULL IN AMERICA. 147 
 
 ways stick to the lesser evil, my hearty/ " Go to 
 
 the ," said I. " Pm going to the tavern," 
 
 quoth he, and staggered over to the sign of some 
 famous Yankee general; I believe they call him 
 Washington. 
 
148 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 Author congratulates himself on being alone in the stage De 
 testable sociability of republicans Turbulent spirit of demo 
 cracy Driver a freeholder Sunday sports among republi 
 cans Republican mode of driving into a place in style Re 
 publican students Republican courage Republican law to 
 encourage learning Republican impiety Republican bargain 
 between a republican professor of divinity and a republican old 
 widow Republican lies Republican students Republican 
 frolic Republican mode of paying tavern bills Arrived at 
 Philadelphia Story of Ramsbottom Liberty the root of all 
 evil, &c. 
 
 I FOUND myself alone in the stage this morning, 
 greatly to my satisfaction. Nothing, indeed, is so 
 annoying to a well-bred Englishman, as being in 
 company with half a dozen of these immaculate 
 republicans, who think, because they pay the same 
 fare, they have a right to talk with any of their 
 fellow-passengers without ceremony. They have, 
 in truth, a most detestable sociability about them, 
 which obtrudes itself upon every body, and pays 
 no more respect to a stranger in a fashionable coat, 
 than to an old acquaintance in rags, They stand 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 149 
 
 as erect in the presence of a great man as in that 
 of a little one, and I verily believe if the king were 
 to come among them, they would use no more ce 
 remony in asking him questions, than if he were a 
 pig-stealing judge. This insolent familiarity is 
 another of the precious products of the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy, which, by inculcating the ab 
 surd doctrine of equality, destroys that salutary 
 deference to wealth and splendour, without which 
 it is scarcely worth a man s while to be either rich 
 or splendid. It sickens me to see a fellow in a 
 thread-bare coat, and tattered wool hat, making 
 up to a gentleman with his head erect, and his hat 
 on the top of it, and asking him a question without 
 the least stammering or hesitation, as you will see 
 them do every day in^this bear-garden of demo 
 cracy. The pleasure I felt in being alone, was, 
 notwithstanding, somewhat alloyed by the idea of 
 travelling unarmed in this region of banditti, and 
 without any companions to assist me in case of an 
 attack. But again, when I came to recollect that 
 considerably more than three-fourths of the peo 
 ple of this puissant republic were themselves rogues 
 and banditti, I comforted myself with the assur 
 ance that if I had any fellow-passengers, it would 
 be at least three to one in favour of their robbin- 
 me themselves, rather than protecting me from 
 others. 
 
 I soon found, however, that I was reckoning 
 without my host, in supposing I should be rid of 
 the annoyance of talking. The driver turned out 
 
U>0 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 a most sociable fellow, and seemed to think it in 
 cumbent upon him to entertain his solitary passen 
 ger. He took occasion to inform me that one of 
 the houses we passed belonged to no less a person 
 than himself; that he was sole proprietor of one 
 hundred acres of land, and that he was only driving 
 the stage on this occasion in consequence of an 
 accident that happened to the person who usually 
 officiated. I thought it best to humour the fellow, 
 having been assured by an intimate friend, (one 
 of the writers of the Quarterly,) that if the stage- 
 drivers of this country got displeased with their 
 passengers, they always took the first opportunity 
 in passing a bad piece of road, to upset the carriage 
 and break some of their bones. As to the risk 
 they themselves run on these occasions, they think 
 nothing of it, being at all times perfectly willing 
 to risk their own necks for the pleasure of re 
 venging an affront. For this reason all travellers 
 in this country who wish to escape with whole 
 bones, make a point of being agreeable to the stage- 
 drivers, and treating them to whiskey at every 
 tavern. This is the only way they can travel with 
 any remote chance of safety. 
 
 This being the case, I was resolved to humour 
 the fellow, and be affable ; so I asked what the 
 accident was which procured me the honour of be 
 ing driven by a republican landholder. 
 
 " 0, a mere trifle," replied he " he happened 
 to get both eyes gouged out yesterday in a frolic." 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 151 
 
 < Frolic!" said I " do they frolic here on 
 Sundays ?" 
 
 " To be sure they do it s an idle day, and what 
 else should they do you wouldn t have them 
 work would you ?" 
 
 " Why, no but then they might go to church, 
 you know." 
 
 " Church ! what s that? 0, now I recollect 
 I saw a church once in Nova-Scotia, but we ve 
 none in the States, so it would be rather a long 
 Sabbath-day s journey to find one." 
 
 " Well, but they might stay at home and read 
 the Bible, or some other good book or they might 
 at least say their prayers." 
 
 " Read!" quoth Jehu -" why d n me if I 
 
 don t believe you re one of our bloody aristocrats ! 
 No no we love liberty too well to oblige our 
 children to go to school, and they love it too well 
 to go if we sent them. Nobody can read here but 
 your emigrant foreigners, and that s the reason 
 we don t allow them to vote or hold offices." 
 
 A precious admission, thought I ; the Quarterly 
 shall know this. " But what becomes of your 
 children while they are growing up, and before 
 they are put to a trade, or can work in the fields ?" 
 
 " 0, they are left pretty much to themselves, 
 to learn the habits of freemen. They play in the 
 road, and amuse themselves with frightening hor 
 ses as they come by. Or they worry the puppies 
 and kittens for amusement, when there are no lit- 
 
152 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 L 
 
 tie niggers to set the dogs at. Their principle 
 business, however, is to learn to chew tobacco, 
 spit against the wind, drink whiskey, and beat 
 their mothers for a frolic." 
 
 A hopeful bringing up, thought I. " But is it 
 possible that you have neither churches, preachers, 
 schoolmasters, nor Bibles among you?" 
 
 " Not a son of a b h of them," replied he. 
 
 i( We want nothing here, and, of course, there is 
 no necessity for praying nor for parsons and 
 churches for your schoolmasters, they only serve 
 to break down the spirit of liberty, by whipping 
 the boys and for the book you mention, I think 
 I did see one once somewhere or other, but I be 
 lieve it was in Nova-Scotia." 
 
 " But what do you do then on Sundays?" 
 
 " 0, we don t want for amusement we spend 
 it in drinking, dirking, gouging, pig-stealing, 
 swearing, guessing, bundling, and other pleasant 
 recreations,* But we begin to be tired of these, 
 as you know people will after a while ; and besides, 
 there are hardly any peepers left in the whole 
 country, and the sport of gouging begins to fail. 
 My driver and myself were the only two left in 
 forty miles round, with a pair of eyes a piece, and 
 he lost both his yesterday, as I told you. I expect 
 mine will go next." 
 
 " This is quite melancholy," said I. " What 
 will you do when there are no eyes to be gouged 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eog. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 153 
 
 out ? You will have to set down like another 
 Alexander, and weep that there are no more 
 worlds to conquer." 
 
 " No danger of that," replied Jehu. " There 
 is always plenty for variety. When the eyes are 
 all out we fall to biting noses,* and by the time 
 they are getting scarce, the little boys will grow 
 big enough to have their eyes put out." It is like 
 the spring, when one flower pops up, as another 
 fades when strawberries are succeeded by cher 
 ries, and cherries by blackberries, and blackberries 
 by apples, pears, peaches, pumpkins, and potatoes. 
 But yonder is Princeton, and huzza, for a dashing 
 drive up." 
 
 So saying he cracked his whip, put his horses to 
 their speed, routed a flock of sheep, ran over a lit 
 ter of pigs, two blind men, and a professor of mi 
 neralogy, with his pockets full of specimens, and 
 finished by upsetting the stage against the pump, to 
 the great delight of a mob of ragged little repub 
 licans, at the inn-door, who, I afterwards learned, 
 were students of the college pursuing their studies. 
 Luckily I escaped with only a broken shin, which 
 fortunate circumstance the rascal insisted gave him 
 a legitimate claim to a double allowance of whis 
 key at my hands. 
 
 Princeton is the capital of old Kentucky as these 
 republican slang-whangers call it, by way of ex 
 pressing their affection for that dirking, gouging, 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
154 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Swearing, drinking, blaspheming state.* Its prin 
 cipal boast is a college, in which reading and writ 
 ing has lately been introduced by the Lancaster 
 method. There was a formidable opposition to 
 the introduction of these aristocratic branches of 
 education, but at length the parents of the students 
 consented on condition that the matter should stop 
 here. The legislature accordingly passed a law, 
 declaring a forfeiture of the charter in case of the 
 introduction of any more of these pestilent novel 
 ties. The only books they are permitted to read, 
 are Tom Paine s works ; and such is the rigour 
 with which this statute is enforced, that a student 
 was expelled the very day before my arrival, for 
 only having a Bible in his possession. It was in 
 vain that he proved himself incapable of reading, 
 having got only as far as " No man may put off 
 the law" he was made an example for the bene 
 fit of republicanism. What became of the offend 
 ing Bible, cannot be certainly said, but it was 
 whispered that the professor of divinity, (a sort of 
 sinecure here,) exchanged it with a pious old lady, 
 for a starched band which belonged to her deceas 
 ed husband. 
 
 Having an hour s leisure on my hands, I visited 
 the outside of the college, which is a log-hut of 
 about a hundred feet in length, with a thatched 
 roof, the windows of which are all broken, it being 
 the principal recreation of the students to try their 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 155 
 
 skill, by throwing stones at a particular pane, and 
 whoever hits it first is entitled to be head of his 
 class for the day. I did not enter this classic fane, 
 having been told that the penalty of such intrusion, 
 on the part of a stranger, is a gallon of whiskey, 
 which I did not think worth incurring. Some 
 body pointed out to me the field, where, as these 
 ever-lying, ever-boasting republicans say, General 
 Washington beat the English and Hessians most 
 terribly, and took nine hundred prisoners. Here 
 I met an old British soldier, who assured me that 
 he was not only at this, but all the battles during 
 the American rebellion, and that so far from this 
 being the fact, it was the British that beat General 
 Washington, and took nine hundred prisoners of 
 the Yankees. He further assured me that they 
 never gained a single victory, in both their wars 
 with England, and that their whole book was a 
 tissue of lies from beginning to end. I asked 
 him why he did not go to England, and write a 
 history to thai, effect. " It will be reviewed in 
 the Quarterly, which will swear to all you say ; 
 certify that you are an honest man, and tell the 
 truth"* and finally praise your work, so that you 
 will certainly make your fortune by the sale, and 
 perhaps get a pension to boot." 
 
 " But to tell you the truth, master, I left his 
 majesty s service without taking leave. They 
 might you understand?" " By no means," said 
 I ; " hundreds of deserters have been received and 
 
 * Vide No. 58, art. Faux. 
 
156 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 cherished only for telling the truth of these brag 
 ging Yankees!" 
 
 At dinner I was very much annoyed by young 
 students, who gathered round and amused them 
 selves with snatching things from the table, so" that 
 in a little time there was nothing left for me to eat. 
 At fim I had thoughts of resenting this impertinent 
 outrage, but observing that each one carried a dirk, 
 in a side pocket, the handle of which was perfect 
 ly visible, I thought it prudent to say nothing, and 
 join in the laugh which accompanied every suc 
 cessful transfer of meat or vegetables. As it hap 
 pened, however, I was sufficiently revenged, for 
 in the end they fell out about a favourite bit, draw 
 their dirks, and in less than five minutes, every 
 soul of them lay dead upon the floor. The uproar 
 brought in the landlord, two or three professors, 
 and a justice of the peace, who, instead of interfer 
 ing, stood by enjoying the frolic, as they called it, 
 and laughing at every successful push. 
 
 The stage now drove up, greatly to my satisfac 
 tion, as I was heartily sick of this classic abode. 
 Such indeed was my haste, that I jumped in with 
 out paying my bill, which the landlord politely 
 reminded me of. On making an apology, he re 
 plied carelessly, " 0, never mind, sir, this hap 
 pens so often with our republican travellers, that 
 I think myself well off, if one in ten pays me, and 
 him I always charge for all the rest." By this time 
 there was a crowd of ragged students gathered 
 about, and on its being whispered that I was cer- 
 
JOHN BULL IX AMERICA. 157 
 
 tainly an Englishman, because I paid my bill, there 
 was a cry of " Gouge him ! gouge him !" which 
 certainly would have been done, had not the driver 
 charitably whipped up his horses, and distanced 
 the. barbarians, who followed us for half a mile, 
 shouting and hallooing like Indians. 
 
 That the spirit of democracy should thus pene 
 trate into the hallowed recesses of learning and 
 science, is not to be wondered at. Liberty is the 
 root of all evil ; since nothing is more certain than 
 that if men have not the power to do evil, the 
 will signifies nothing. From hence it arises, that 
 rogues and ruffians are chained to prevent the in 
 dulgence of their bad passions. Nothing is so ef 
 fectual in preventing evil, as taking away the 
 power of doing evil. The more free a people are, 
 according to the Quarterly,* the more wicked they 
 will be, because the privilege of doing every thing 
 not forbidden by the laws, will be followed in the 
 natural course of things, by the liberty of doing 
 every thing contrary to the laws. These axioms 
 are so self-evident that it is unnecessary to insist 
 upon them any further. 
 
 After passing through Natchitoches, Passma-. 
 quoddy, Michilimackinac, and other places, whose 
 appearance is as barbarous as their names, we ar 
 rived at Philadelphia, the capital of the state, of 
 Moyamensing. As this is considered the most 
 orderly, polite, civilized, and literary city of the 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eug. Ed. 
 14 
 
158 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 states, I comforted myself with the hope of meet 
 ing with a different reception from what I had 
 been hitherto accustomed to, among these imma 
 culate republicans, as the Quarterly says. But, 
 alas ! my hopes rested on a foundation of sand. 
 We had scarcely entered the city when the stage 
 was stopped by a crowd of people gathered around 
 a dead body, that had just been killed. The his 
 tory of this transaction is as follows, and furnishes 
 a happy illustration of the blessings of pure demo 
 cracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow named Ramsbottom, a man- 
 milliner by trade, and a genuine republican, had 
 taken offence at a neighbour whose name was 
 Higginbottom, because his wife had attempted to 
 cheapen a crimped tucker at his shop, and after 
 wards reported that he sold things dearer than his 
 rival man-milliner, over the way, whose name was 
 Winterbottom, and whose next door neighbour 
 was one Oddy. In the pure spirit of democracy, 
 Ramsbottom determined to dirk not only Higgin 
 bottom, but Winterbottom, and Oddy, together 
 with their wives, and all, the Higginbottoms, 
 Winterbottoms, Oddys, and little Oddities. It 
 was a Ions: time before he could set them all to- 
 
 O O 
 
 gether, so as to make one job of it. At length, 
 he collected them all at his own house, to keep 
 their Christmas eve, and determined to execute 
 his diabolical purpose. It appears, however, that 
 he had changed his mind as to dirking, from what 
 followed, for just as they were up to their eyes in 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 150 
 
 a Christmas pye, a sudden explosion took place, 
 the house blew up, and every soul perished, Rams- 
 bottom, Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Oddy, the 
 little Ramsbottoms, Higginbottoms, Winterbot- 
 toms, Oddys, and Oddities. Such is the ferocity 
 and thirst of vengeance generated in the hot-bed 
 of democracy, that this desperado, Ramsbottom, 
 scrupled not like the republican Samson of old, 
 to pull down destruction on himself, only for the 
 pleasure of being revenged on his enemies.* 
 
 * It will be perceived that our author is very fond of this story, 
 
 Am. Ed, 
 
160 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 
 Philadelphia Origin of the phrase "coming out at the little end 
 of the horn" Republican sour bread Spirit of democracy- 
 Advances in civilization here Marquess of Tweedale Watch - 
 men Story of a republican watchman, and a republican mar 
 ket woman Literature Port-Folio Franklin, Washington, 
 and all the great men of this country born under the King s 
 government Cooper, Walsh, Irving, all visited England- 
 Theory on this head State of religion Jefferson Madison 
 Adams Republican gratitude Little Frenchman Black dog 
 Sodom and Gomorrah Author gets into the wrong box 
 Brutal conduct of the captain of the steam-boat Author is 
 tempted by Satan in the shape of the little Frenchman Bris 
 tol Author goes to bed without supper in dudgeon Catastro 
 phe of the cook in consequence. 
 
 THE city of Philadelphia, (every thing is a city 
 here,) is "a. little higgledy-piggledy place, s with 
 hardly a decent house in it, and whose principal 
 trade consists in the exportation of Toughy and 
 Pepper-Pot. It is situate between two rivers, the 
 Delaware on the West, and the Schuylkill on the 
 East ; the former is a decent sort of a river, but 
 nothing to be compared to the Thames, or the 
 

 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 161 
 
 Avon. The streets, for the most part, are laid out 
 in the shape of a ram s horn, at the little end of 
 which commonly reside that class of people who 
 have been unfortunate in business. Hence the 
 phrase of " coming out at the little end of the 
 horn." There are no public buildings, nor indeed 
 any thing else worthy of a stranger s notice, and 
 so I pass them by as unworthy of notice. 
 
 I took lodgings (for I hate your first rate hotels) 
 at the sign of the Goose and Gridiron, where 
 for the first time since my. arrival in the states, I 
 tasted sweetbread.* I was at a. loss to account for 
 this phenomenon, until I found my landlady was 
 an English woman. It is a singular fact, noticed 
 by all travellers in this country, that go where you 
 will, the bread is sure to be sour. Whether this 
 is owing to the yeast, to the bad taste of these re 
 publicans, or to some intrinsic quality in the wheat, 
 I cannot say. I am rather inclined to the latter 
 opinion, because the grapes in this country, as well 
 as the apples, peaches, and every species of fruit I 
 fasted, are as sour as vinegar. There must be some 
 acidity in the soil or air, or both, to produce this 
 disagreeable singularity. Or perhaps it is owing 
 to the turbulent spirit of democracy after all. 
 
 These republican housewives, however, do not 
 content themselves with imposing their sour bread 
 upon strangers. Their universal practice, in addi 
 tion to this enormity, is to serve up veal cutlets, 
 
 
 Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 14* 
 
162 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and insist upon it they are mutton chops. If any 
 one ventures to doubt the fact of their being mut 
 ton, he will think himself lucky to come off with 
 the loss of one eye at least, for these republican 
 matrons are almost as expert gougers as their lords. 
 A friend of mine to whom his physician prescrib 
 ed a regimen of mutton chops for his health, was 
 deceived in this manner nearly a twelvemonth by 
 a xvicked woman who pretended to be his friend . 
 and poisoned him by inches with veal cutlets. 
 Every day he grew worse and worse without 
 knowing what was the matter, until at last he sent 
 for me to make his will. I staid to dinner, and the 
 first smell of the cutlets enabled me to detect the 
 imposition. In conclusion, the good lady threw a 
 vast plumb pudding at my head, which luckily 
 missed me, went out at the window, and knocked 
 down an elephant which had just landed from an 
 East India ship. My friend miraculously reco 
 vered. Another horrible imposition commonly 
 practised here, is the substitution in like manner 
 of sturgeons flesh for roast beef, which is almost 
 universal, especially along the sea coast, among the 
 Dutch, where this fish abounds. Every Dutch 
 yffrow, is another Lord Peter, and will no more 
 allow you to doubt that sturgeon is beef than his 
 Lordship would permit his Banstead mutton to be 
 questioned. An Englishman, a journeyman but- 
 ton-/naker, who had worked several years in a ma 
 nufactory at Birmingham, and was of course a con 
 noisseur in roast beef, taking upon himself to swear 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 163 
 
 d slice of sturgeon was not beef, was the year be 
 fore last actually scolded to death in Low Dutch, 
 by the wife of a Communipaw dominie. 
 
 It is not without some reason that Philadelphia 
 is called the Athens of America, since, among 
 other advances in civilization, the people some 
 times wash their hands and faces. This practice 
 was introduced about ten years ago, by the mar 
 quess of Tweedale and his suite. It was at first 
 violently opposed as an aristocratic custom, unwor 
 thy of freemen ; but it gradually made its way, 
 and there are now few, except the radicals and ul 
 tra democrats, that demur to the practice. The 
 popular opinion is, however, rather against it, and 
 it is seldom that a person with clean hands and face 
 is elected to any office, unless he can demonstrate 
 his republicanism by a red nose, a black eye, or 
 some other unequivocal mark of his high calling. 
 
 The city has also a nightly watch, a peculiarity 
 I did not observe either at Boston or New-York. 
 Here watchmen are obliged to call the hour through 
 the whole night ; an excellent regulation, as I sup 
 posed, since this is pretty good evidence of a man 
 being awake. But the spirit of democracy evades 
 every salutary regulation it seems, and I was as 
 sured by a worthy alderman, a native of England, 
 that these fellows, from long habit, call the hour as 
 regularly sleeping as waking, so that this afforded 
 no additional security to the citizens. The alder 
 man told me that not less than three or four watch 
 men were robbed at their posts every night ; and 
 
164 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 nothing was more common than a fellow to be 
 bawling out " all s well," when somebody was ac 
 tually picking his pockets. The alderman related 
 a humorous instance. 
 
 It seems a sturdy watchman, who being consider 
 ed the best of the gang at a nap, was always placed 
 at some responsible post, in order that he might 
 not interrupt these republicans in their favourite 
 recreation of thieving, was in his box nodding, 
 when a wag of a thief took off his cap, and put in 
 its place a night-cap, which he had stolen from an 
 old apple woman, who lived near the ferry stairs 
 in High-street, and to whose house he carried and 
 left the watchman s hat. The old dame, upon dis 
 covering the theft, set out bright and early, with 
 the watchman s cap on her head for want of a bet 
 ter, to lay her complaint before the police, when 
 as luck would have it, she saw the vigilant child 
 of the night, still nodding in his box with her cap 
 on his head. The Amazon seized her property, and 
 cried out " stop thief" with such astonishing 
 vigour, that she actually awoke the watchman, 
 although people who best knew him thought it 
 was impossible. The watchman, rubbing his eyes, 
 and seeing the apple woman with his cap on her 
 head, naturally concluded that the cry of (f stop 
 thief" applied to her. Upon which he carried 
 her forthwith to the police,, to which the lady fol 
 lowed with great alacrity, supposing she had the 
 watchman in custody. When they arrived at the 
 police, there was the deuce to pay. The watch- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 165 
 
 man charged the apple woman with stealing his 
 hat, and the apple woman charged the watchman 
 with stealing her cap the police officer scratched 
 his head, and the clerk gnawed two goose quills 
 to the stump. But what was most to be admired, 
 two lawyers were entirely puzzled to death to de 
 cide between the two ; and to puzzle a Philadel- 
 phia lawyer, is proverbially difficult. In con 
 clusion, the watchman was broke, as the safest 
 course ; but the sovereign people considering him 
 as an oppressed citizen, immediately elected him 
 an alderman. 
 
 There is a great show, or rather affectation of 
 literature here, and the good people crow in their 
 cups a good deal, on account of the oldest period 
 ical paper in the states being published here. It 
 is called the Port-Folio, and is really so old that it 
 may be justly pronounced quite superannuated. 
 But I did not find any other special indications of 
 a flourishing state of literature. To be sure, here 
 and there you meet with a yong lady that can 
 read large print, and a young gentleman that can 
 tell a B from a bull s foot, by the aid of a quizzing 
 glass. JtJut there never has been an original work 
 produced here of American manufacture ; and the 
 only translation I ever met with, is that of the 
 almanac into High Dutch. They likewise boast 
 of one Franklin, a great hand at flying kites, 
 and one of the first manufacturers of lightning rods. 
 I had heard him spoken of respectfully at home, 
 so am willing to allow he was clever. But after 
 
166 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 all, what have these people to boast of on this head? 
 / Both Washington and Franklin, and indeed all 
 the respectable sort of men, who figure in the 
 history of this country, were born under the king s 
 government, and are therefore to all intents and 
 purposes Englishmen. Franklin spent a long 
 time in England, and though there is no account 
 of Washington ever having been there, his being 
 able to read an d write, of which there are pretty 
 clear proofs, is a sufficient presumption that he 
 must have been there, or where could he have got 
 his learning? At all events, they lived the best 
 part of their lives under the genial and fostering 
 influence of monarchical institutions, and that all 
 their talents and virtues originated in that circum 
 stance, is proved, first, by their never having done 
 any thing worthy of admiration, after the estab 
 lishment of the republican system here ; and se 
 condly, by the singular fact that from that time 
 to the present, there has not been a man of ordina 
 ry talents or acquirements produced in the country. 
 Mr. Cooper and Mr. Irving have, it is true, gained 
 some little reputation ; but I am credibly informed 
 that the former of these gentlemen has been once 
 or twice in England, and that the latter never 
 wrote English until he had been long enough 
 there to forget the jargon of his own country. So, 
 after all, they furnish no exemption to my rule, 
 which I have the happiness to say is sanctioned by 
 the Quarterly. As to Mr. Walsh, who had the 
 hardihood to tilt with the Quarterly, he, I know, 
 

 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 167 
 
 was a good while in England, and there it was, 
 beyond doubt, he polished his lance, and learned 
 all the arts of literary warfare. But to put the 
 matter at rest for ever, it is utterly impossible, 
 as I have sufficiently proved, for any thing elegant, 
 or good, or beautiful, or great, to take root in the 
 polluted sink of that earthly pandemonium, a ge 
 nuine republic.* 
 
 Religion, like literature, is at a low ebb here, 
 or rather there is neither ebb nor flood, on account 
 of there being no religion at all. This might be 
 expected from the absence of an established church, 
 with exclusive privileges over all other denomina 
 tions of sectarians. The quakers are numerous 
 here, and it is utterly impossible there should be 
 any pure orthodox religion where they predomi 
 nate, since we all know that they preach volunta 
 rily, as the spirit moves them, and without fee or 
 reward. Now, I have already proved, that a re- 
 ligion which costs nothing, is good for nothing. 
 Tt unquestionably is with religion as with ever} 
 thing else, the more we pay for it, the higher value 
 we set upon the purchase, and the better we arc- 
 likely to became. t On the contrary, a people who 
 get their piety gratis^ must, of necessity, in a little 
 time, become impious. In proof of this, I wa s 
 told by my landlady, a. -very respectable widow, 
 that there was a society in. each of the wards of the 
 city, composed of the pri^ipal quakers and others 
 
 * Vide Xo. 58, En;;. 1M. f Ditto. 
 
168 JOfiN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 to put down religion altogether, by the simple and 
 certain means of not persecuting any particular 
 sect, or giving any one exclusive privileges. This 
 wicked design, aided by the destruction of all the 
 Bibles, which they have bought up and burnt, is 
 likely, my landlady assured me, to banish, at no 
 distant period, every trace of orthodoxy from this 
 crooked, quakerish, and abandoned city. It is 
 better to be a bigot without religion, than religious 
 without bigotry. ^Nothing, in short, leads so in 
 evitably to an indifference to all religion, as the 
 doctrine of toleration, which makes them all equal 
 in the participation of wealth and civil rights. 
 The enjoyment of superior privileges and immu 
 nities on one hand, and the deprivation of them on 
 the other, generates a salutary opposition between 
 the two parties, exceedingly favourable to the in 
 terests of religion. The party in the enjoyment 
 of these superior immunities, will endeavour, by 
 superior piety, to prove that it deserves them ; and 
 the party out of possession will strive, by the same 
 means, to prove that though it may not possess, it 
 at least deserves a full share. Thus will the worst 
 passions of the mind, envy, hatred, and fear, as it 
 were by a miracle, harmoniously conduce to the 
 preservation and increase of the true faith. But 
 there is nothing of this in the pure system of de 
 mocracy, and consequently there is no religion but 
 unbelief, no morals but what consists in a total re- | 
 taxation of morality, and no deity but Satan, the 
 first republican on record, as the Quarterly says. 
 
JOHN BULL 1ST AMERICA. 169 
 
 As these immaculate- republicans have neither 
 religion nor morals, so are they entirely destitute 
 of gratitude. It will hardly be believed, but is 
 nevertheless a fact, that Mr. Jefferson, the author 
 of their famous declaration of independence, the 
 oracle of republicans, the former president of the 
 United States, and after Satan, the prince of demo 
 crats, the man whom the people toast at all their 
 public meetings, and pretend to revere next to 
 Washington, is, at this moment, an actor on the 
 Philadelphia boards for bread !* I saw him myself, 
 or I would not have believed it, bad as I think 
 these miserable republicans. Yet, with this damn 
 ing fact staring them full in the face, they are eve 
 ry day boasting of their gratitude to their bene 
 factors, at the gorgeous feasts given to General La 
 Fayette. I hope the Quarterly will touch them up 
 on this score, in the next number. Of their other 
 surviving presidents, Mr. Madison, as I was assur 
 ed, teaches a school in some remote part of Virgi 
 nia, and Mr. Adams lives in great obscurity some 
 where in the neighbourhood of Boston ! This is a 
 natural consequence of abolishing the excellent sys 
 tem of hereditary succession. I confess I felt a 
 little ill-natured satisfaction, at the fate of Jeffer 
 son and Madison, when I considered that the first 
 picked a quarrel with England, on pretence of 
 maintaining the rights of his country, and the 
 
 * The author has confounded our old favourite, the comecliafy 
 with Thomas Jefferson, the late president. But this is a raista"k^ 
 pardonable in a stranger. Am. Pub. 
 15 
 
170 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 other had the wickedness to declare war against 
 her, while she was struggling for the liberties ol 
 Europe, now so happily secured in the keeping: 
 of the Holy Alliance. Nor indeed could I find in 
 my heart to be sorry for Mr. Adams, who was 
 one of the prime movers of the rebellion, and a 
 principal pillar of the revolution. Nothing can 
 furnish a clearer proof of the divine right of kings, 
 than the fact, that history does not record an in 
 stance of a man who took arms against his sove 
 reign, on whom some signal punishment did not 
 fall, by special interposition of Providence.* 
 
 These reflections, which crossed my mind on 
 seeing an ex-president performing the character 
 of Diggory, were suddenly interrupted, by. what 
 seemed the sound of a trumpet, directly behind 
 me. On turning round, to see what it was, I was 
 struck with horror it was the little Frenchman, 
 blowing his nose, with his confounded flowered 
 Madras handkerchief. The story of the diaboli 
 cal dance at Communipaw ; the little black gen 
 tleman who could be no other than Satan himself, 
 so like the little Frenchman all rushed upon my 
 mind. I grew desperate started up tumbled 
 over the people in the box- burst open the door, 
 and marched through the lobby into the street, 
 without, once looking behind me. Just as I left 
 the box, I heard the little Frenchman say in reply 
 to some question, " Monsieur is not mad diable* 
 he is only a little afraid of robbers." 
 
 * Vide Quarterly Review Clarenden s Hist. Rebellion, &c. &LC 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 171 
 
 As I walked hastily on towards my lodgings, I 
 heard a footstep, pat, pat, close behind me. Tis 
 the little Frenchman, thought I and mended my 
 pace. Still the footsteps continued pat, pat, pat, 
 I began to run still the pat, pat, pat, continued, 
 until I arrived at the door of my lodgings, where 
 necessarily stopping for a moment, till the door 
 was opened, I felt two great paws pressing heavily 
 upon my shoulders. The door opened, and I 
 rushed in, almost oversetting my good landlady, 
 who eagerly inquired what was the matter. " Sa 
 tan is at my heels," replied I. " Lack-a-daisy ! is 
 that all ? nobody minds him here. Indeed he is 
 so popular that the people would send him to con 
 gress, I dare say, if he liked." " Sodom and 
 Gomorrah !" said I " is there no brimstone left 
 for these impious, rebellious, republican cities !" 
 The worthy lady paid no attention to this apos 
 trophe, but began to pat a great Newfoundland 
 dog, a mighty favourite, exclaiming, " why poor 
 old Neptune, where have you been all this while?" 
 Then turning to me, " he must have followed you 
 to the play-house. 1 noticed he took a great lik 
 ing to you from the first." 
 
 The night was spent in almost sleepless anxiety. 
 My thoughts continually reverted to the little 
 Frenchman, the dancing gentleman at Communi- 
 paw, and the great black Newfoundland dog, un 
 til they became so connected together that I could 
 not separate them. I became feverish with inde 
 scribable terrors ; and if I chanced to fall into a 
 
172 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 doze, was ever and anon disturbed by attempts 
 to break open my door, accompanied by strange 
 and unaccountable meanings and whinings, for 
 which I could not account. The spirit of demo 
 cracy seemed to be letting slip all his legions of 
 malignant fiends to torture me, and I resolved to 
 quit for ever this city of horrors. Accordingly I 
 rose early, hastened my breakfast, and inquired of 
 the good landlady if there was any conveyance to 
 the South that day. 
 
 " There is a steam-boat, which starts about this 
 hour ; but you re not going away in such a hurry ?" 
 
 " This moment" I replied, seizing my port 
 manteau. 
 
 " But you had better send for a porter to carry 
 your baggage." 
 
 " Send for the d 1, in the shape of a little 
 
 Frenchman, or a great black dog/ said I impa- 
 patiently, removing my portmanteau. 
 
 " Better call a hack then," replied she, " tis 
 a long way." 
 
 " I ll not wait a minute for all the carriages in 
 this diabolical city." 
 
 " Why then sir you had better settle your 
 bill before you go if you are not in too great a 
 hurry." 
 
 This being done, I sallied out with hasty steps 
 towards the river, where I jumped into the first 
 steam-boat I met with, and was felicitating myself 
 on my escape, when I actually run my nose right 
 into the mahogany face of the little Frenchman, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 173 
 
 Starting back, I fell over a basket of onions be 
 longing to an old woman, who let fly at me in 
 the republican style. I was now satisfied in my 
 own mind " He must be either the evil one, or 
 he deals with the evil one, and is therefore a 
 witch." To ease myself of these distracting 
 doubts, after we had left the wharf, I called the 
 captain of the steam-boat aside, related my story, 
 and proposed tying the Frenchman neck and heels, 
 and throwing him overboard, to see if he would 
 sink or swim. The brute, who I have no doubt 
 was also in league with Satan, laughed in my face 
 and replied 
 
 " I would oblige you with pleasure, but we are 
 not allowed to try witches nowadays, in this man 
 ner." 
 
 " Not try witches !" cried I in astonishment 
 " what d ye do with them then ?" Another proof 
 thought I, of the absence of all law as well as gos 
 pel here. 
 
 " Why we generally let them run the old boy 
 will get them at last you know, and pay them for 
 all their pranks. But, to tell you truth, we don t 
 believe much in witches nowadays." 
 
 " Nor in fairies?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Nor in the Prince of Hohenlohe s miracles?" 
 
 " No, I never heard of him." 
 
 " Nor Johanna Southcote s ?" 
 
 " No, I never heard of her either?" 
 
 " Nor Vampyres ?" 
 
 15* 
 
174 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " No." 
 
 " Nor ghosts?" 
 
 <e Not a single mother s son of them." 
 
 " And what do you suppose has become of them 
 all?" 
 
 " They went away about the time the race of 
 giants and mammoths disappeared, I suppose. 
 
 " In the name of heaven," cried I, to this un 
 believing reprobate " what do you believe then ?" 
 
 " Why I believe the moon is not made of green 
 cheese, and that the little Frenchman is no witch, " 
 quoth he, and went coolly about his business. 
 
 He had just gone from me when the little 
 Frenchman came up, and offered his box. 
 
 " Ah monsieur you ran away from me last 
 night, but I have caught you again this morning 
 diable I believe the fates ordain we shall never 
 part again." Heaven forbid, thought I, but re 
 mained silent, hardly knowing what to say. 
 
 " Is monsieur going to New-Orleans yet?" con 
 tinued he after a short pause. 
 
 " I am on my way," replied I, with as much 
 the air of distant hauteur as I could muster up on 
 the occasion. 
 
 " Then monsieur has somehow or other turned 
 his nose the wrong way again. Diable ! you are 
 going back to Portsmouth, as sure as a pistol." 
 
 Thou father of lies and deceit, thought I, you 
 shall not impose upon me again, either in the 
 shape of a little Frenchman, or a great black dog. 
 So I said nothing, but eyed him with a look of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 175 
 
 most mortifying incredulity. He shrugged up his 
 shoulders, took a pinch of snuff, and walked away, 
 to frisk among the ladies, with whom the Old 
 Harry has always been somewhat a favourite. The 
 captain, who had just been ashore to steal a score 
 or two of pigs, for the supply of his passengers, 
 soon after came up, and asked me, with a smile, if 
 I had found out whether the little man was a witch 
 or not? I evaded his question, in the true repub 
 lican style, by asking which way we were going, 
 south or north. 
 
 " Why north, to be sure, sir." 
 
 " Towards New-Orleans ?" 
 
 "No right from it as straight as an arrow." 
 
 " And why didn t you tell me so?" replied I 
 in a rage, for I could not stand this imposition. 
 
 " I did, as soon as you inquired. It s not my 
 business to tell every passenger the way to New- 
 Orleans. Every steam-boat is not going there, and 
 the best thing a stranger can do is to inquire be 
 fore he goes on board." 
 
 I now positively insisted that he should turn the 
 vessel right about, and land me where he took me 
 up. 
 
 " What, go back twenty miles, with a hundred 
 people, to rectify the blunder of one! No no sir ? 
 you must go on to Bristol. I shall return in the 
 morning, and take you back, so you will only lose 
 one day after all. But here comes the witch, per 
 haps he will take you back on a broomstick" 
 So saying he went away without paying any atten- 
 
176 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 tion to my remonstrances. Presently the little 
 Frenchman came up, and inquired what was the 
 matter. I stated my case, and asked his advice, 
 for at this moment I felt that to trust to Satan him 
 self was better than to rely on a republican. 
 
 " What shall I do?" said I. 
 
 " Appeal to posterity and the immortal gods!" 
 said he, with an air of diabolical sublimity, at the 
 same time taking a mortal pinch of snuff that smelt 
 like brimstone. 
 
 " There are no gods in this impious country, 3 
 answered I in despair " and as for posterity, I 
 am a bachelor and never mean to be married so 
 I can have no posterity !" 
 
 " There is a way, Monsieur," quoth the little 
 Frenchman with an insinuating diabolical smile. 
 
 " What!" cried I, with an ungovernable burst 
 of indignation " would you tempt me, Satan ! 
 But thy arts are vain. No, diabolical instigator. 
 Know I am a true-born Englishman, a defender of 
 the faith and a bulwark of religion. No! be thou 
 Asmodeus, Ashtaroth, Belshazzar, or the Devil on 
 two Sticks be all mankind extinct, for want of 
 posterity, and be there no posterity to appeal to, 
 let me be going north or south, or east or west, to 
 New-Orleans or New-Guinea, all this shall happen 
 before Satan shall tempt me to the sin of ." 
 
 " Of what?" said the little d 1 of a man. 
 
 " Of what shall never defile my tongue in the 
 utterance," said I, with the air of a hero. 
 
 " Well, if Monsieur will neither appeal to pos- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 177 
 
 terity, nor to the immortal gods, there is no more 
 to be said. And now I think of it, no more is ne 
 cessary. See ! we are just at Bristol, where they 
 land passengers. You can stop here to-night, and 
 return to Philadelphia to-morrow morning. I am 
 sorry to lose your agreeable company, but I am 
 going on a little way farther to the north." 
 
 This last information was of itself sufficient to 
 determine me to take his advice, though I could 
 not help suspecting in my own mind that he had 
 some diabolical design in his head. Accordingly 
 here I landed, the little Frenchman taking leave of 
 me in the most friendly manner. " I am sorry 
 to lose Monsieur s agreeable company but as I 
 am going north, and Monsieur south, who knows 
 but we may meet again ?" Heaven forbid, thought 
 I, as they loosed the rope, and the boat ploughed 
 her way down the stream. 
 
 I found out a lodging, where I ordered supper, 
 and while it was getting ready, could not help re 
 flecting on the brutal inhospitality, the unfeeling 
 rudeness and ferocity generated in the polluted hot 
 bed of republicanism. The^conduct of the Captain 
 of the steam-boat, in first receiving me on board 
 his refusal to turn back only twenty or thirty miles 
 to land me again and the brutal indifference with 
 \vhichthepassengerslistenedtomyjustcomplaints 
 all these rushed together on my mind, and put 
 me into such a passion that I determined to be re 
 venged on the whole race of republicans, by going 
 to bed without my supper, which I did to the ut~ 
 
178 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ier discomfiture of the landlord, the chambermaid, 
 the ostler, and particularly the cook, who killed 
 himself with a spit, in a fit of despair, at my re 
 fusing to taste his terrapin soup. 
 
179 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 fioodluck of the author in not being robbed Story of the roar 
 ing republican Ramsbottom Steam-boat Fat lady of colour 
 Force of bad example Spirit of democracy Privilege of 
 speech, alias impudent loquacity Author beleaguered by a 
 wandering republican gentleman, who tells his story Author s 
 reflections on it Insolent republican custom of shaking hands 
 Goes to a magistrate Another sketch of a republican jus 
 tice Republican mode of settling law-suits Takes French 
 leave of his worship. 
 
 LUCKILY, though alone and unarmed, havinglost 
 my pistols as before stated, I escaped being mur 
 dered that night, .which good fortune I attribute to 
 the attention of the people having been called off 
 by an affair which took place during the evening. 
 I shall relate it, for the purpose of illustrating the 
 true spirit of democracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow by the name of Ramsbottom, 
 a man-milliner by trade, and a great stickler for 
 the rights of man, had taken offence at a neighbour 
 whose name was Higginbottom, because his wife 
 had attempted to cheapen a crimped tucker at his 
 
ISO JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 shop, and afterwards reported all over town that 
 he, Ramsbottom, sold his things much dearer than 
 his rival man-milliner over the way, whose name 
 was Winterbottom, and whose next door neighbour 
 was one Oddy. In the pure spirit of democracy, 
 Ramsbottom determined to dirk not only Higgin- 
 bottom, Winterbottom, and Oddy, together with 
 their wives, but likewise all the little Higginbot- 
 toms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and little Oddities. 
 It was several years before Ramsbottom could get 
 the whole party together, so as to make one job of 
 it. At last, after an interval of about ten years, 
 lie collected them all at his house, to keep their 
 Christmas-eve, t and determined then and there to 
 execute his diabolical purpose. It would appear. 
 however, that he had previously changed his mind 
 as to the dirking, probably on account of the trou 
 ble of killing so many, one after the other, for just 
 as they were all up to the eyes in a Christmas pie> 
 .made of four-and-twenty blackbirds, an explosion 
 took place the house blew up, and every soul, 
 Ramsbottom, Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Od 
 dy, their wives, together with all the young Rams^ 
 bottoms, Higginbottoms, Winterbottorns, Oddys. 
 and Oddities, were scattered in such invisible 
 atoms, that not a vestige of them was ever after 
 wards discovered. Such is the deadly spirit of re* 
 vengeful ferocity, generated in the polluted sink of 
 democracy. The desperado, Ramsbottom, who 
 was considered rather a peaceable person, among 
 these barbarians, scrupled not, like the old repub- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 181 
 
 lican Samson, to pull down destruction on his own 
 head, that he might be revenged upon a poor wo 
 man for cheapening a crimped tucker. 
 
 This affair set the people talking and tippling 
 all night, and to this circumstance T ascribe my 
 good fortune in escaping being robbed and mur 
 dered, the usual fate of strangers, whose ill-fortune 
 detains them at this place after dark. In the 
 morning the steam-boat stopped, as the little 
 Frenchman told me she would ; and taking the 
 precaution to inquire whether she was going North 
 or South, I went on board. The Yankee captain 
 saluted me with a good-humoured smile enough, 
 and observed, " You are going the right way now ;" 
 but I took no notice of his insolent familiarity. At 
 breakfast I was seated opposite a dish of terrapin 
 soup, and next to a fat lady of colour, who desired 
 me to help her to some, which she devoured with 
 infinite satisfaction, although you could distinguish 
 the fingers and toes of the poor little terrapins, as 
 plain as day. I could not stand this exhibition of 
 cannibalism, but rushed on deck to relieve my op 
 pressed feelings. That these white republicans, 
 destitute as they are of all traces of human feeling, 
 should indulge in this detestable dish, was not 
 to be wondered at ; but that the people of colour 
 should thus commit the unnatural crime of feed 
 ing upon their own flesh and blood, was enough 
 to deprive them of all sympathy. But this only 
 shows the force of a bad example. Looking up aS 
 they do to the whites, as their superiors in every 
 16 
 
182 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 respect, they naturally imitate them even in their 
 crimes, and eat terrapin soup because they see their 
 betters do it. 
 
 During the passage up the river to Philadelphia, 
 I was as usual annoyed by the obtrusive imperti 
 nence of the spirit of democracy. Having fought 
 seven years for the freedom of speech, these peo 
 ple seem determined to enjoy the full benefit of 
 their struggles. Morning, noon, and night, in 
 stage-coaches and steam-boats, they will talk, 
 whether there is any body willing to listen or not, 
 and one reason why they never go to church, is 
 because they would there be under the necessity 
 of remaining quiet for at least one whole hour. 
 Strangers in particular are sure to be specially an 
 noyed with their forward loquacity, and it is suffi 
 cient that a man appears to be a foreigner, and to 
 prefer solitude, to insure his being intruded upon, 
 by some one of these talking republicans. If you 
 won t tell them who you yourself are, what is your 
 business, where you came from, and whither you 
 are going, it is all one to them ; they will turn the 
 tables upon you, and tell you their own story. 
 Nay, rather than not talk, they would enter into a 
 voluntary confession of murder, and plead guilty 
 to a breach of the whole decalogue.* 
 
 One of the most inveterate of these talkers be 
 leaguered me on this occasion. " I reckon you re 
 a stranger," said he, coming up to where I 
 apart from the rest, leaning over the railing 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 183 
 
 usual, pondering on the barbarity and wickedness 
 of these immaculate republicans. I made him no 
 answer, " You don t seem to be one of our peo 
 ple?" continued he inquiringly. No answer. " 1 
 guess you re an Englishman." This fellow, thought 
 I, has some little cleverness ; he has observed the 
 superiority of my dress and air. " What makes 
 you think so?" replied I, in a tone of distant 
 condescension. " Why, somehow or other you 
 English always seem to be out of sorts, as if some 
 thing were on your conscience like. You go mo 
 ping and moping about by yourselves, and if any 
 body speaks to you, you look as if you would eat 
 them up. Now we Yankees think there is no great 
 harm in speaking to any man, in a civil way, and 
 that a civil question is worth a civil answer any 
 time." 
 
 I debated a moment whether I should turn my 
 back upon him, pull out my fifty-eighth number 
 of the Quarterly, (which I had procured in Phila 
 delphia,) and take no further notice of this fellow. 
 But somehow or other, I did not like his looks. 
 He was a tall, muscular figure, straight as an arrow, 
 with a keen, large eye, and an air of insolent inde 
 pendence, that seemed to challenge equality with 
 any man, in spite of the plain simplicity of his 
 garments. Besides, he had much the look of an 
 expert gouger, and I thought it better to listen to 
 his impertinence than lose my eyes. 
 
 "And so," said I at last, " you don t like us 
 Englishmen." 
 
184 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 " Why, I can t say that exactly ; but if you 
 would not take such pains to make yourselves dis 
 agreeable, we should like you a great deal better. 
 We have had some pretty hard brushes with you 
 to be sure, but we Yankees are a people that soon 
 forget injuries, so long as you don t insult us. 
 Now, for my part, I d rather a man would cut off 
 my head at once, than spit in my face. We don t 
 like to be insulted." 
 
 " But who insults you?" 
 
 " Why, I don t know but somehow or other 
 it strikes me, that when a man comes into a strange 
 country, the people have a right to talk to him 
 civilly, and it is rather bad manners in him not to 
 answer. It looks as if he thought himself better- 
 than other people. Now we Yankees fought se 
 ven years to make ourselves equal to any people 
 on earth, and what s more, we are determined to 
 be so, let what wiH happen." 
 
 " I m sure nobody prevents you." 
 
 " Prevents us ! No, I reckon that would be 
 rather a difficult matter. But we Yankees can tell 
 an Englishman half a mile off, by his being so shy. 
 He seems as if he was too good to be spoken to. 
 Now we think a man was made to be spoken to, 
 or else there is no use in being able to speak at all." 
 
 " Nobody hinders you from talking." 
 
 Yes but there is such a thing as not being 
 answered, and this, as I said, is what we don t like. 
 If we ask you questions about yourselves or your 
 country, it is a proof we feel some curiosity about 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 185 
 
 you and if we tell you about ourselves and our 
 business, it is that we don t suspect you of being 
 rogues who would take advantage of us, by know 
 ing our business." 
 
 " But can t a man, especially in this free coun 
 try, take his choice whether he shall talk or be si 
 lent?" 
 
 " To be sure he can. But then when he takes 
 jiis choice whether to answer a civil question or 
 not, he must also take his choice sometimes wheth 
 er he will be knocked down or not. To refuse to 
 answer a question I mean a question put in a civil 
 way,, and without meaning to give offence, is to 
 insult the man that asks it. Now what can be done 
 with a man who will neither answer a civil ques 
 tion, nor resent an uncivil one by word of mouth? 
 There is but one way, and that is to knock him 
 down. If that don t make him speak, I don t know 
 what will." 
 
 An excellent method. Here s your true repub 
 lican ethics, thought I but there was no use in 
 quarrelling with the fellow, so I thought it best to 
 humour him. 
 
 " And so you don t like us Englishmen because 
 we don t talk?" 
 
 " That is one reason. We think a man that 
 can t open his mouth in a strange country, except 
 to find fault with every thing, had better stay at 
 home, and keep himself in a good humour." 
 
 " Very well. Is that your only reason?" 
 
 " Not altogether. You go home and tell lies 
 about us, after staying at our houses, and being 
 16* 
 
x86 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 treated in the best way we can. There was last 
 spring a year ago, a fellow that fell sick at my 
 house of an ague and fever, and staid with me 
 two months without paying a cent, for I scorn to 
 take board of any man. Would you believe it! 
 He wrote a book when he went back to England, 
 wherein he said my home was as dirty as a pig 
 pen my wife a slut my children savages my 
 self a pig-stealer, and my country a den of drunk 
 ards, gougers, thieves, and men-killers. Ay, 
 and the worst of it was, that he made as if I had 
 told him so himself, and so belied my countrymen. 
 I am neither gouger, dirker, thief, nor man-killer, 
 but" and here his eye lightened with terrible fe 
 rocity "If I ever meet that man again in this, 
 or any other country, he or I shall have daylight 
 shine through us." 
 
 " And so then you dislike us Englishmen be 
 cause we won t talk to you, nor praise you ?" 
 
 (t We don t want you to praise us only speak 
 of us as we are tell the truth, the whole truth. 
 and nothing but the truth. It s a dirty business 
 to come here, and eat and drink at our tables, and 
 sleep under our roofs perhaps, sometimes, in the 
 same room with our wives and children, and then 
 go home and publish to the world that we have 
 neither manners nor decency, because we did not 
 send you to lay in the woods rather than receive 
 you as it were into the very bosoms of our famity. 
 For my part I should be ashamed to look my dear 
 country in the face, did I turn a stranger from my 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 187 
 
 door, because I had no where to put him but in the 
 same room with myself, my wife, and my children." 
 
 " Well, but/ said I in a soothing tone, " you 
 should not mind what these people say. They 
 are a set of low, contemptible fellows, who want 
 to get a little money, and have no other way of 
 doing it but by telling a parcel of lies to please the 
 vulgar." 
 
 " I know it. But still it s no way to abuse us, 
 and then find fault with us for not liking you. 
 Every man in the United States is a part of his 
 country as much as a sailor is of a ship, and if you 
 want his friendship you must not run down either. 
 
 " But to return to the subject of answering ques 
 tions : you Yankees are thought to be rather too 
 much given to that practice." 
 
 f Well," replied he, smiling and showing a set 
 of teeth white as snow, " I believe there may be 
 something in that. But the truth is, we take an 
 interest in every thing going on in the world, and 
 we like to hear the news. Then we frequently, in 
 the course of our lives, change our professions 
 three or four times, and like to collect all we can 
 from strangers as well as others, in the way of in 
 formation. What is of no use to the farmer or 
 tradesman, may come in play when he gets to be a 
 member of congress or a judge, and for this rea 
 son he wishes to learn as much as possible of 
 every body he meets. Most people like to show 
 their knowledge, so there is no offence in asking 
 them." 
 
188 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 I began to be tired of this tall fellow s prating, 
 and to get rid of the trouble of answering his ques 
 tions, rather than from any curiosity, asked him 
 concerning a few particulars which led to the fol 
 lowing relation. There is no way of gaining a 
 genuine Yankee heart so effectually as asking him 
 for the history of his life and adventures. They 
 are all Robinson Crusoesin their own opinion, and 
 never lose an opportunity of playing the hero of a 
 story, even if they should invent it themselves.* 
 
 " 1 was born in New-Hampshire ; raised in the 
 western part of the state of New-York ; married 
 in Ohio; and am now settled, for the present, in 
 the state of Missouri. " Jupiter, thought I, the 
 man has travelled over half the globe in three lines. 
 " I have been a man of various enterprise, and 
 miscellaneous occupation. At seventeen years I 
 commenced land surveyor in the Genesee coun 
 try, which was then something of a wilderness, 
 and hardly afforded me employment, so that I had 
 sufficient leisure to visit my native town and get 
 married. I forgot that neither my wife nor my 
 self were worth ten dollars. However, we don t 
 forget such things long, that s one comfort. We 
 returned to Genesee with one dollar in my pocket, 
 and none in that of my w r ife. For some time I 
 did not make much money ; but then we had plen 
 ty of children, which, in a new country, are bet- 
 fer than money. However, I managed to save a 
 little every year, with the intention of buying a 
 few hundred acres of land. But the land rose in 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 189 
 
 price faster than I made money. So that by the 
 time I had got together five hundred dollars, land 
 was a dollar and a half an acre. This won t do 
 for me, thought I ; but just then the people began 
 to talk of Ohio, where land was selling at that time 
 for two and six pence an acre. ( Betsey, said I, 
 ( shall we go to Ohio ? To the end of the world, 
 John/ replied she ; and away we scampered the 
 next day. Here I bought a good stout farm, cut 
 down some trees for a place for my house, girdled 
 others for a place for my wheat, and built a log 
 house, twenty feet long at least. People soon 
 flocked round, so that in a little time there was 
 some occasion for law : so they made me a justice 
 of the peace. Not long after, it was thought 
 but proper to introduce a little religion : so I took 
 to reading a sermon every Sunday, at the request 
 of my neighbours. By-and-by it was thought 
 prudent to embody a company of militia for pro 
 tection against the Indians ; so they made me a cap 
 tain of militia. In a year or two there was a town 
 laid out, and a court-house built. This introduced 
 two new wants that of a judge and a town trea 
 surer so they made me a judge, and a town trea 
 surer. The establishment of a town, brought 
 with it the want of a newspaper ; so a newspaper 
 was set up, and I volunteered as editor. 
 
 " These honours were very gratifying to be 
 sure, but all this time my family was increasing 
 both in size and number. I had six girls and 
 five boys, some of them six feet high. I began 
 
190 JOHN BULL IN AMEBICA. 
 
 to be uneasy about providing for all these. 1 
 had only sixteen hundred acres of land, and that 
 was not enough for them all. The thought struck 
 me I could sell it for enough to buy six or eight 
 thousand in Missouri territory. Betsey, said 
 I, will you go to Missouri? To the end of 
 the world, John, said the brave girl. So the next 
 day but one we hied away to JVtissouri, where I 
 bought a few thousand acres. We were almost 
 alone at first ; but in a year or two people came 
 faster and faster, so that from a territory we be 
 came a state, and wanted members of congress. 
 So they made me a member of congress. But the 
 country is getting too thickly settled for me and 
 I think next year of moving up the river five or 
 six hundred miles, to get out of the crowd. I am 
 now on my way to the Federal City, where I 
 mean to make speeches like a brave fellow. But 
 see, we are just arrived, and I must look to my 
 baggage." He then shook me by the hand, and 
 gave me a hearty invitation to come and see him 
 next summer, when I should probably find him 
 somewhere about the mouth of the Yellow-Stone. 
 I thanked him, as in duty bound, and so we 
 parted. 
 
 This wandering Gentile may stand for the whole 
 progeny of democracy. Such is their utter indif 
 ference to home, and all its delightful associations, 
 that rather than stay there, and get upon the pa 
 rish, they will leave their kindred, friends, and 
 Household gods, to herd with Indians and buffaloes 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 191 
 
 in the pathless wilderness. If they cannot live in 
 one place, they try another if they cannot thrive 
 by one trade, they turn to another ; and so ring 
 the changes until they succeed at last. Hence, as a 
 natural consequence, they turn drunkards, swear 
 ers, dirkers, spitters, bundlers, gougers, and blas 
 phemers, caring neither for God nor man, and 
 finally sink into the polluted pool of diabolical de 
 mocracy, a prey to bitter remorse and consuming 
 recollections.* 
 
 I am reminded by the familiarity of this back 
 woodsman, of the filthy republican practice of 
 shaking hands, which prevails in this country. 
 Such is their insolent familiarity , originating doubt 
 less in the turbulent spirit of democracy, that the 
 most ragged genius that labours in the streets or 
 fields, will thrust forth his brawny paw, to shake 
 hands with the President himself, who would 
 be considered unworthy of his station if he de 
 clined this honour. If two strangers happen to 
 travel together two or three days in a stage, they 
 cannot part without shaking hands ; and this in 
 sufferable assurance extends so far, that I have 
 been actually more than once insulted, by being 
 offered the hand of a landlord, at whose house I 
 happened to sojourn for a few days. On being in 
 troduced to a person, no matter how inferior, he 
 would feel himself terribly affronted, and ten to 
 one gouge you, if you declined his offered hand. 
 Such is the vulgar hale -fellow- well-met familiarity 
 engendered by the possession of equal rights, and 
 * Vide Qtiarterly. 
 
192 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 the absence of a king and nobility to teach the 
 people their proper distance.* 
 
 When I came to pay my fare, the captain, with 
 a smile of unpardonable insolence, declined re 
 ceiving it, observing, that as I had gone up the 
 river with him by mistake, he could not in con 
 science charge any thing for bringing me back 
 again. I had no doubt that he did this merely to 
 escape the consequences of having put me to the 
 expense and inconvenience of twice travelling 
 backwards and forwards, thirty or forty miles. 
 But I was resolved not to let him off so easily, and 
 accordingly the moment I landed inquired the way 
 to a magistrate. I found this worthy seated in his 
 office, which, judging from appearances, must have 
 been at no distant date, a stable or a pig-sty. His 
 v/orship, before I could open my business desired 
 
 me to wait a little, " and be d d to me," till 
 
 he was at leisure. It seems he was receiving the 
 report of Master Constable, who had been out on 
 a scouting party. The following dialogue passed 
 between them : 
 
 " Well, Simon, where are your prisoners?" 
 " I caught them." It would have been too 
 much for the spirit of equality to have added. 
 " Your worship." 
 
 " Well, what did you do with them ?" 
 " I gave the defendant fifteen lashes." 
 " And what did you do with the plaintiff? * 
 
 Vide Quarterly Review. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 103 
 
 " I gave him fifteen lashes too ?" 
 
 " And what did you do with the person who 
 laid the information ?" 
 
 " Why I gave him twenty-five lashes for giving 
 us so much trouble." 
 
 " You did right/ said his worship; " these 
 rascals ought to be discouraged." 
 
 I began to commune with myself, that if this 
 was the republican mode of administering justice, 
 the. less I had of it t he better. After hesitating a 
 moment, whether it was worth while to receive 
 twenty-five lashes for the pleasure of seeing the 
 Captain get fifteen, and finding the balance rather 
 against me, I made his worship a low bow, and 
 departed without further ceremony. In going out 
 I heard his worship say to Simon " Curse that 
 fellow ; if I was not just now engaged on a pig- 
 stealing party, with the mayor and alderman, I d 
 fay him by the heels."* 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
 17 
 
194 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 Author s malediction on Philadelphia Quartet ly Is again be 
 leaguered by a modest republican Their conversation Vari 
 ous accidents and lucky escapes at Nachitoches, Vincennes, 
 Wheeling, Vandalia, Tombigbee, Big and Little Sandy Big 
 and Little Muddy, and Big Dry Rivers Arrival at Baltimore 
 Insolence of the Baltitnoreans Buys a horse and sulky to 
 escape the intrusion of the spirit of democracy Terrible pic 
 ture of slavery Pine woods Stops at a lone house, which 
 turns out to be the rendezvous of banditti Providential es 
 cape Leaves his watch behind Despatches Pompey Pom- 
 pey s account of his mission to Old Hobby Arrival at Wash 
 ington. 
 
 LEAVING my malediction upon the city, the 
 people, the magistracy, and every living thing 
 else within it, I departed from Philadelphia, as 
 usual out of humour with the world, and disgust 
 ed with the whole clan of immaculate republicans. 
 As we were rapidly passing up the river towards 
 the south, I retired as far from every body, as I 
 could, and sat down to look over the fifty-eighth 
 number of the Quarterly, in order to refresh my 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 195 
 
 memory with some of the most striking beauties 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy. But go 
 where you will, it is impossible to keep clear of 
 the intrusion of these free and easy republicans. 
 While thus occupied, one of the most decently 
 dressed and respectable republicans I had hitherto 
 seen, came walking back and forth, passing and 
 repassing before me. I laid down my book and 
 went into the cabin for a moment, to get my 
 handkerchief, which I had left there, and which 
 I found exactly in the same place. This I mention 
 as one of the wonders of this new world. 
 
 Returning to my post, I found this modest gen 
 tleman had taken up my book and was turning 
 over the leaves, but he condescended to return 
 it to me with an apology for the liberty he had 
 taken. 
 
 "I felt some anxiety to see it," said he, "as I 
 perceive it contains the article on Mr. Faux ? s 
 Travels, which was omitted in the re-publication 
 here." 
 
 " Indeed !" replied I with cool indifference ; 
 " pray what was the cause of this omission?" 
 
 " I understand it contained certain libellous pas 
 sages concerning a respectable gentleman in this 
 country, and his connexions. For my part I think 
 it ought to have been preserved. A criticism de 
 generating into a string of libels, is a curiosity 
 peculiar to the present refined age of literature." 
 
 " The greater the truth, the greater the libel," 
 
196 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 said I. " Your countrymen I hope are not afraid 
 or ashamed of the truth." 
 
 " No, not when we can get it pure and unmix 
 ed. But sketches at best degenerating into carica 
 ture, and for the most part drawn from the very 
 worst specimens of manners, and by persons ani 
 mated by the worst feelings of hostility, who have 
 not even the discretion to hide their malignity, 
 are not subjects of very pleasing contemplation^, 
 certainly." 
 
 I took up the book, and opening it at the re 
 view of Faux, began questioning the man, as fol 
 lows, making it my text. 
 
 " Can you deny, sir, that it is the very nature 
 of a democracy to make men turbulent, ill-man 
 nered, ferocious, drunken, beastly, and rude to 
 the last degree?"* 
 
 " I have in some measure brought this diseus- 
 tion on my head," replied he with a smile, " and 
 will answer you in a different manner than I 
 should do under other circumstances. Cast your 
 eyes around the deck; there are probably seven 
 ty, perhaps a hundred persons in sight. They 
 come in all likelihood from almost every section 
 of the United States, and are of different grades, 
 stations, occupations, and education. Do you see 
 any one drunk ?" 
 
 I looked around, and though the deck was co 
 vered with men, women, and children, wallowing 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 197 
 
 like swine in the filth of debauchery, replied, 
 < why no I can t say I do exactly ;" being re 
 solved to hear what the gentleman had to say for 
 himself. 
 
 " Do you observe any appearance of turbulence, 
 rudeness, ferocity, or indecency?" 
 
 Just then a couple of deacons set to, and gouged 
 out each other s eyes ; but I was resolved to see 
 nothing, and replied- 
 
 " None in the least." 
 
 " Do you apprehend, sir, if this drunkenness, 
 rudeness, turbulence, ferocity, this dirking, goug 
 ing, swearing, and impiety, were so universal a 
 characteristic as the Quarterly is pleased to affirm, 
 there would not be some examples exhibited here 
 among so many persons, of such various occupa 
 tions and characters, coming from all parts of the 
 United States?" 
 
 "O, certainly, certainly," said I, witha"glance 
 directing his attention to a fellow who had just 
 dirked his second cousin, and thrown him over 
 board. But my gentleman kept his countenance 
 in a manner worthy a true disciple of brazen de 
 mocracy. 
 
 " I will not pretend to deny," continued this 
 intolerable proser, " that our people have some 
 thing of the wild flavour about them, or that they 
 partake in some degree of the imperfections inci 
 dent to their history and situation. Let your tra 
 vellers tell us of these in the spirit of friendly ad 
 monition, and show the same frankness in dis- 
 17* 
 
198 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 playing our good qualities, that they do jn repro 
 bating our faults. Accustomed as Europeans are 
 to a world a little on the wane, they, are too apt 
 to mistake the manly frankness of freemen, for a 
 forward impudence, and to confound the virtues 
 of independence of spirit, with the opposite vices 
 of a freedom from all salutary restraints. The 
 want of that sense of inferiority, which makes the 
 subjects of a monarch pay such abject deference to 
 rank and wealth, is too often mistaken for rude 
 ness ; and thus the very sense of personal inde 
 pendence, which is essential to the preservation of 
 freedom, is laid to our charge as a proof of barba 
 rism and ferocity. But," continued he, smiling, 
 " if perchance you are a traveller of the literary 
 class, I may sometime hence figure in your book 
 as an example of that inveterate love of talking 
 which has been ascribed to our people. I shall 
 therefore conclude by observing that the differ 
 ence is, that our world is not quite ripe, and yours 
 is a little decayed. We think our world is the 
 better for blooming in all the freshness of youth ; 
 while you appear to be of opinion that your world, 
 like a cheese, is the better for being a little rot 
 ten." He then slightly bowed and left me, before 
 1 had time to make a cutting reply. But I was 
 determined to pay him off at a proper time. 
 
 After passing through the towns of Natchitoches, 
 Vincennes, Utiea, Vandalia, and Tombigbee, and 
 crossing the Big Sandy, and Little Sandy, not for 
 getting the Big Muddy, and Little Muddy rivers, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 199 
 
 (did ever Christian man hear such names?) we ar 
 rived at the great city of Baltimore. I should nofc 
 omit to mention that I was robbed at Natchitoches, 
 gouged at Utica, roasted at a log fire in Vandalia, 
 and dirked at Tombigbee. Besides these acci 
 dents, I was all but drowned in Big Dry River, 
 but luckily escaped by its having no water in it. 
 This was a pretty tolerable chapter of accidents for 
 one day, and may serve as an antidote to the delu 
 sions of transatlantic speculation, the seductions of 
 Mr. Birkbeck, and the democratic slang of Miss 
 Wright, Capt. Hall, and the rest of the radical fry 
 of democracy, as the Quarterly says * 
 
 It was my intention to spend two. or three days 
 at Baltimore, but happening to take a walk on the 
 morning of my arrival, I encountered a monument, 
 purporting to have been erected to the memory of 
 certain persons who fell in an action with the Bri 
 tish in the late war, and in which the latter were 
 defeated, and their commander, General Ross, 
 killed. There was no standing this insolent exhibi 
 tion of republican vanity, and I determined to stay 
 no longer in a plae where such studied attempts 
 are made to mortify the feelings of Englishmen, 
 and perpetuate hostility between the two nations. 
 There is also another monument erecting here to 
 the memory of the rebel Washington, an addition 
 al proof of the justice with which this place has 
 feeen denounced, as the very stnk of democracy. 
 
 * Vide r> o,58 } Eng. Ed. 
 
200 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Accordingly I bought a horse and sulkey, being 
 resolved for the future to travel by myself, in or 
 der to get rid of the impertinent intrusions of these 
 free and easy republicans, and- enjoying my own 
 company unmolested. For this purpose I crossed 
 over to the eastern shore of Maryland, and travel 
 led on a by-road to the city of Washington. 
 
 I thought the negroes were bad enough off in 
 New-England, but it was nothing to what I saw 
 here. The road was lined with naked negroes on 
 each side, begging for charity, this being their 
 only refuge from absolute starvation, as their mas 
 ters allow them nothing. Instead of scarecrows to> 
 frighten the birds from the corn, you generally see 
 negroes hung up in the fields for that purpose. I 
 cut one poor fellow down just in time to save his 
 life, and on inquiring the cause of his being thus 
 inhumanly punished, he told me his only offence 
 was eating a piece of mouldy bread, which he 
 found one day in the cupboard ! Yet such is the 
 force of habit, that this miserable wretch, instead 
 of thanking me for saving his life, skipped over a 
 six rail fence, joined a party of blacks at work in 
 the field, and struck in with might and main in 
 the songs they were singing ! I thought of the 
 fable of the swan, singing in the agonies of death, 
 and drove on. 
 
 Towards evening, the road led through a coun 
 try of thick melancholy pines, which deepened the 
 approaching gloom, and the houses became farther 
 and farther separated. I had now proceeded se- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 201 
 
 veral miles without seeing a habitation, or meet 
 ing; a single human being. The night was fast 
 approaching, and I began to anticipate a lodging 
 in the woods, when, to my great joy, I saw a light 
 gleaming, or flickering, at fitful intervals, through 
 the branches of the trees. As I approached, I 
 could distinguish by the light of the moon, which 
 now rose in cloudless majesty, a desolate, dilapi 
 dated mansion, the windows of which were for the 
 most part broken, and the walls half in ruins. 
 Two or three dogs saluted me as I rode up, with 
 a republican growl, which were chid by a shrill 
 female voice, crying " Be quiet Nap get out 
 Caesar, you villain." The dogs obeyed the voice, 
 and sneaked away. 
 
 " Who s there?" continued the same voice. 
 
 " A traveller," replied I, " who is benighted, 
 and in want of food as well as rest. Can you ac 
 commodate me for the night ?" 
 
 Here was a pause of a minute, during which the 
 female went into the house to consult the master, 
 as I supposed, for at the expiration of that time a 
 man came forth, and in a hoarse voice said to 
 me : 
 
 " We can give you a bed and a supper, such as 
 they are. Alight, sir, and my boys will see to 
 your horse." 
 
 I accordingly entered the house through a door 
 which opened directly into a large room, at one 
 end of which there was a brisk fire, which served 
 instead of candles. " Sit down." said the old man, 
 
202 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 handing me a straw-bottomed chair, " and we will 
 see whst we can get you for supper, Clementina !" 
 said he, raising his voice. 
 
 " I m coming, daddy," answered somebody, 
 and forthwith in came Clementina, a damsel of at 
 least six feet in her stockings. She looked like a 
 sibyl, with eyes black a? a coal, wild as those of 
 a deer, and long lank hair, glossy and straight, 
 hanging about her neck and shoulders. I confess 
 I felt rather odd at seeing her, but my feelings 
 were nothing to those which rushed over me on 
 entrance of the two boys, as the old man called 
 them. They were at least seven feet high, raw- 
 boned and savage in ther aspect, with nothing on 
 them but a linen shirt and trowsers. Though I 
 came in an elegant new gig, and was dressed in 
 the most fashionable travelling costume, they seem 
 ed not to feel the least embarrassment at my pre 
 sence, but took chairs and sat down at my side 
 with the genuine air of republican insolence. I 
 tried all I could to look dignified, but in spite of 
 myself could not repress certain apprehensions, 
 which gradually came over me, and undermined 
 my sense of superiority. The old man and his 
 wife, who by the way though apparently advanced 
 in years, were as tall and as straight as the rest 
 of them, asked me a great many questions in the 
 way of guessing and reckoning, while Clementina 
 bestirred herself in preparing and bringing in the 
 supper. 
 
 When it was ready they all sat down without 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 203 
 
 ceremony, and with as little ceremony invited me 
 to follow their example. Here was a practical il 
 lustration of the blessings of equality ; but I was 
 determined to put up with their insolence for one 
 night. The supper consisted of loads of meat, 
 ham, venison, game of various kinds, in quantities 
 sufficient to feast an army. I- began to sum up the 
 probable amount of my bill, as I concluded I should 
 have to pay for the feasting of the whole family, 
 and what was left besides. " Help yourself," said 
 the old man, " and don t be a stranger Pm sorry 
 we have nothing better but you re heartily wel 
 come." Most people are welcome, thought I, for 
 their money, but I said nothing. 
 
 " We cannot afford tea and coffee," continued 
 the old man, * but here is some old whiskey that 
 I hope you will like. Come, help yourself, and 
 here s to old Hickory." 
 
 My stomach turned at the very smell of this ex 
 ecrable beverage; but recollecting the republican 
 custom of roasting their particular friends by a 
 log fire for refusing to drink, I thought fit to help 
 myself, and make as if I drank. In this way sup 
 per passed off smoothly enough, and the old man 
 then directed Clementina to make arrangements 
 for the night. " You boys will be obliged to 
 give up your room to the stranger, and Clementi 
 na will make you one in the corner here." While 
 this was doing, I amused, or rather perplexed my 
 self in looking about the room, and wondering 
 where these people could procure such luxuries as 
 
204 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Venison and wild game. But as the light flashed 
 in a remote and obscure corner on one side of the 
 fireplace, I was struck with horror at seeing three 
 rifles hanging one below the other upon hooks 
 fixed in the wall. The whole truth flashed upon 
 me at once. I am in a den of banditti, thought I, 
 and my moments are numbered. They will mur 
 der me to-night, and none will know my wretched 
 fate. The old man will lay out all my money to 
 morrow in whiskey the boys will go a courting 
 in my new gig, dressed in my dandy coats, and 
 Clementina will figure in my patent corseUs* I 
 burst into tears at the awful anticipation. 
 
 " What ails you?" said the old man. 
 
 " May-be he has got the stomach-ach," quoth 
 the old hag, who now began to look just like one 
 of the great unknown s remarkable old women. 
 
 "Take a little more whiskey," said Clementia, 
 with a look of diabolical tenderness. 
 
 At first I was going to reject it with infinite con 
 tempt, but on second thoughts, and considering 
 what I had to go through that night, I determined 
 to fortify myself with Dutch courage after the 
 manner of the Yankees, and if I must die, die like 
 a true republican hero. 
 
 " Your bed is got ready," said Clementina, but 
 I determined to sit up and defer my fate as long 
 as possible. They now began to yawn, and one 
 after the other retired, wishing me good night, un 
 til decency obliged me to follow their example. 
 My room opened directly from that in which we 
 
JOHN BULL IX AMERICA. 205 
 
 were sitting, and where the two boys were to sleep, 
 no doubt, as I felt assured, to be handy for mur 
 dering me. I retired to my room, the door of 
 which I attempted to fasten, but there was nothing 
 but a latch. I looked at the sheets, but they were 
 white as snow, Clementina having, as I conclud 
 ed, taken the precaution to pick out a pair that was 
 not stained with blood, so as not to alarm me. I 
 looked under the bed, and discovered something 
 that greatly resembled a trapdoor, with leathern 
 hinges. 
 
 This discovery overset me entirely. I paced 
 my room to and fro, and listened in breathless anx 
 iety to every sound. If a mouse stirred, my heart 
 leapt into my throat. I heard the owl and the 
 whippoorwill, those ill-omened birds, screeching 
 and flapping their wings at my window, and ming 
 ling their shrill warnings with the distant howl- 
 ings of half-famished wolves. I was determined 
 not to lie down, for fear of being murdered in my 
 sleep, and at length to while away the time, took 
 up the fifty-eighth number of the Quarterly. But 
 this only added to my boding apprehensions. As 
 I read of the gougings, bundlings, dirkings, and 
 guessings; of roasting alive on red-hot log fires 
 often dollars being the price of a man s life in this 
 country, and of all the diabolical horrors of turbu 
 lent democracy, my spirit failed me, and I sunk 
 insensibly on the floor. 
 
 How long I remained in this unconscious state 
 I cannot say, but I was roused at length by a noise 
 IS 
 
206 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 of mingled bowlings, barkings, cacklings, ant! 
 Growings, that entered my very soul. Presently 
 after I heard a stirring in the next room, and a 
 light shone through the keyhole. It is all over 
 with me now, thought I my time is come 
 " Now I lay me down to sleep," said I to my 
 self, and waited in desperate suspense. At length 
 I ventured to look through the keyhole, where I 
 saw a sight that froze me into horror. The two 
 young banditti had taken down their rifles, and 
 while loading them, the following dialogue passed 
 between them in whispers 
 
 " D n him but I ll do his business; Pll give 
 
 him his bitters." 
 
 " Hush !" replied the other, " you ll wake the 
 gentleman." 
 
 Again there was a confused noise of howling-, 
 barking, and cackling without. ".Now is our time," 
 said one, and both of them made, not for my door, 
 but out of that which led into the yard. I breathed 
 again fora moment, until I heard two guns fired at 
 a little distance. They are murdering some poor 
 unfortunate travellers, thought I, and my time 
 will come next. In about half an hour they re 
 turned, and threw something that fell like a dead 
 heavy weight on the floor. 
 
 " By G d we ve done for him at last, said 
 one ; " the rascal fought like a tiger. Let s strip 
 the gentleman of his hide." 
 
 " No, no," replied the other, " wait till " 
 here his voice sunk, and I could only guess at what 
 
JCHN BULL IN AMERICA. 207 
 
 was meant. I grew desperate, and tried to push 
 up the window, but it was fastened down with 
 nails, to make all sure and prevent my escaping 
 that way. I tried the trapdoor, but it turned out 
 to be no trapdoor at all. I listened again, but by 
 this time all was silent in the adjoining room. The 
 next moment I heard the voice of the old man 
 calling his boys/ and perceived to my astonish 
 ment, that the sun was just peeping above the 
 eastern horizon. Daylight, which emboldens the 
 innocent, appals the guilty, and I now felt myself 
 safe. I came out of my room, with an air as un 
 concerned as possible, and was received as if no 
 thing had happened. 
 
 " Good morning good morning," said the im 
 pudent old republican, " I am afraid you was dis 
 turbed last night. The boys were out after a bear 
 that has beat up our quarters several times. But 
 he ll never come again I reckon. Isn t he a whop 
 per ?" continued he, pointing to the carcass in a cor 
 ner. A happy turn, thought I, but I m not to be 
 humbugged by a cock-and-bull story. They pressed 
 me to stay to breakfast, but I was resolved not to 
 trust myself a moment longer with these banditti, 
 and requested them to get my gig ready as soon 
 as possible. In the mean time, I asked the old man 
 for his bill. 
 
 " We don t keep a tavern," said he. 
 
 " I know that," replied I, significantly, " but 
 you will take something for your trouble ?" 
 
 " Not a cent every stranger that comes here is 
 welcome to what I can offer. I have but little mo- 
 
-OS JOHN BULL IN AMERICA- 
 
 ney, but a plenty of every thing else, and it is not 
 often we have the pleasure of a stranger s compa 
 ny in this out-of-the-way place. You are heartily 
 welcome to your bed and supper, and will be still 
 more so, if you will stay to breakfast." 
 
 His refusal to take pay was another proof, if any 
 had been wanting, of the profession followed by 
 this awful family. Banditti are always above 
 taking money that is honestly their due, and re 
 quire the zest of a little murder and bloodshed to 
 make it worth having. I bade them good morrow 
 with very little ceremony, and set off in a brisk 
 trot ; but before I had got a quarter of a mile, I. 
 heard some one hallooing, and looking back per 
 ceived one of the young giants, coming after 
 me in a pair of seven-leagued boots, as it ap 
 peared by his speed. I concluded they had re 
 pented having spared my life, and had sent this 
 fine boy after, to despatch me. Under this impres 
 sion I put my horse to his speed, and soon distanc 
 ed the fellow, notwithstanding his seven-league 
 boots. I rode ten miles without stopping, being 
 determined to get out of the very atmosphere of 
 this nest of banditti, if possible. 
 
 By this time I was hungry, and conceiving my 
 self pretty safe from any immediate pursuit, stop 
 ped at an inn of tolerable appearance. The land 
 lord according to the custom of the country, took 
 the first opportunity to ask a few dozen questions, 
 ending with, " Pray what o clock is it?" I told 
 him I didn t know, for I was resolved not to satis- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 209 
 
 fy his impertinent curiosity. " 0, ay," said he, 
 c I see you hav n t any watch." On examination 
 I found this was but too true, and it at once occur 
 red to my recollection that I had left it at the den 
 of the banditti in the forest. I asked mine host 
 if he knew these people, describing them and their 
 establishment. 
 
 " What, old Hobby, that lives in the Pines, 
 about ten miles off? Know him? Lord bless your 
 heart, every body knows him." 
 
 I then condescended to tell him of my misfor 
 tune, and desired to know how I could get my 
 watch again. He answered very shrewdly, that 
 I had only to go back for it. But I would not 
 have trusted myself there again for twenty watches. 
 I told him I did not like the trouble of going back 
 so far, but would pay any person reasonably that 
 would ride over and get it for me. A bargain was 
 struck with Pompey, the black boy, in which it 
 was covenanted that the said Pompey, on return 
 ing with my watch, in the space of three hours, 
 should receive from me a silver dollar for his 
 pains. Pompey accordingly mounted a raw-boned 
 courser fastened a rusty spur to his bare heel 
 departed at full gallop, and returned with my 
 watch in less than two hours and a half. 
 
 " Did they refuse the watch, Pompey?" said I. 
 
 No !" replied Pompey with a grin. 
 . "What did they say?" 
 
 - They said," replied Pompey, wonderfully 
 IS* 
 
:^iO JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 enlarging his grin, " that Massa was the drollest 
 man they ever see in all their born days." 
 
 I felt no curiosity to inquire their reasons for 
 this complimentary opinion, but paid Pompey his 
 dollar, and said no more on the subject. After 
 "breakfast I sat out for Washington, where I arrived 
 in safety, thanks to my good stars, 
 

 211 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 Washington Dr. Thornton Story of the roaring reprobate re 
 publican Rarasbottom Story of an English emigrant Farmer 
 His project Disappointment. * * * * 
 
 " EVERY thing is morally and physically mean 
 at Washington/ as the Quarterly says."" The 
 breezes are perfumed by nuisances of all sorts 
 the flies die and mortify in the oily butter, and 
 are eaten by the people as a great luxuryt drink 
 ing, dirking, and gouging, are the ordinary amuse 
 ments profanity and cheating the order of the 
 day the fire-flies and frogs furnish the lights and 
 the music the men are boisterous and rude the 
 children intolerable the women all as ugly as sin 
 - and to sum up all in one word, I was assured 
 by Doctor Thornton, who saved the capital from 
 being burnt last war that " the whole country, 
 like ancient Rome, is peopled by thieves and rob- 
 
 ? VideNe. 58, Eng.Ed. f Ibid. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEKICA. 
 
 bers."* The Doctor told me in confidence that 
 although, like many other deluded Englishmen, 
 he had been induced to leave his country, yet he 
 was determined not one of his posterity should 
 take root after him in this detestable district.! The 
 Doctor presides over a department, where models 
 of machinery are deposited, and it furnishes an 
 other proof of the total ignorance of these immacu 
 late republicans, that they were obliged to select 
 an Englishman for this station, because there was 
 not a single native in the whole country, that was 
 qualified for the place. The Doctor did not ex 
 actly say this, but he intimated as much. He 
 also further assured me that there was not a single 
 invention patented here, that he himself had not 
 previously anticipated. Yet these people pretend 
 to original genius. 
 
 To exemplify the state of manners and morals, 
 as well as the ferocious, intemperate passions en 
 gendered and fostered by the turbulent spirit of 
 democracy, the Doctor related to me the follow- 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
 t There is reason to suspect that the person here quoted, was 
 not the Doctor Thornton he professed himself to be, but an impos 
 tor j or at any rate that the Doctor was bantering 1 our traveller 
 on these occasions. It is quite impossible he should have been 
 serious. There is the same unwarrantable freedom taken with 
 tlie name of this gentleman in Faux s Travels, as will be seen in 
 the 58th number of the Quarterly, (English ed.) to which our au 
 thor so frequently refers. By the way people should be careful 
 how they attempt to hoax English travellers with these stories, 
 for they will certainly record them as actual facts. Editor. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 213 
 
 mg anecdote. The affair took place a few days be 
 fore my arrival. 
 
 It seems a fellow by the name of Ramsbottom,* 
 a man-milliner by trade, and a roaring republican, 
 had taken offence at a neighbour whose name was 
 Higginbottom, because his wife had attempted to 
 cheapen a crimped tucker at his shop, and after 
 wards reported that he sold his things much dearer 
 than his rival man-milliner who lived over the 
 way, whose name was Winterbottom, and whose 
 next door neighbour on the right hand was named 
 Leatherbottom, and on the left Oddy. In the pure 
 spirit of democracy, Ramsbottom, who was reck 
 oned rather a good natured fellow for a republican, 
 determined to dirk not only Higginbottom, Win 
 terbottom, Leatherbottom, and Oddy, but likewise 
 their wives, together with all the little Higginbot- 
 toms, Winterbottoms, Leatherbottom s, Oddys, and 
 Oddities. It was several years before Ramsbot 
 tom could get them all together, so as to make one 
 job of it. At last, however, he collected the whole 
 party at his own house, which was next door to 
 the Doctor s, to keep their Christmas-eve, and de 
 termined to execute his diabolical purpose. It ap 
 pears, however, that he had previously changed 
 his purpose of dirking, on account of the trouble, 
 probably, as he was a lazy dog. Be this as it may. 
 
 * Our author forgets that he has told this story before, two or 
 three times. But this is excusable in a stranger. 
 
 Printer s DeviL 
 
214 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 just as the whole party were up to their eyes in a 
 Christmas pie, a horrible explosion took place 
 the house blew up, and every soul, Ramsbottom , 
 Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Leatherbottom, 
 their wives, and all the little innocent Ramsbot- 
 toms,Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms, Leatherbot- 
 toms, Oddys, and Oddities, were scattered in such 
 minute and indivisible atoms, that not a vestige of 
 them could be found the next day, except a little 
 bit of Mrs. Higginbottom s fore finger, that was 
 known by the length of the nail ; it being the cus 
 tom of the ladies of Washington to let that parti 
 cular nail grow, for the purpose of protecting them 
 selves against gouging at tea-parties and elsewhere. 
 Such is the ferocity and deadly spirit of vengeance 
 generated in the hotbed of polluted democracy, 
 that the desperado, Ramsbottom, it appears, like 
 another republican Samson of old, hesitated not to 
 involve himself and all his family in destruction, 
 only to be revenged upon a poor woman for cheap 
 ening a crimped tucker. 
 
 The first thing in Washington that excites the 
 notice of a stranger who has been used to living 
 under a monarchical, or what is the same thing, a 
 Christian dispensation, is, that there is not a single 
 church in the whole city. This however is the 
 case with every town and city in this country, 
 founded since the revolution, when the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy getting the upper hand, as 
 might be expected, the building of churches was 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 dispensed with, as highly aristocratic. So much, 
 indeed, did the British troops feel the want of 
 someplace of religious worship, when they enter 
 ed the city during the late war, that as I was assured 
 by Dr. T , the gallant Cockburn actually de 
 layed setting fire to the President s house a whole 
 hour, to afford them a decent place to say their 
 prayers. The Doctor solemnly declared to me, 
 it was the most edifying sight he ever witnessed, 
 and that he looked upon the gallant Cockburn as 
 one of the genuine representatives of the pious 
 crusaders of yore, for he never went on a burning 
 or plundering expedition without saying his pray 
 ers beforehand. 
 
 On Sunday morning (as it was, for the reason 
 before stated, impossible for me to attend church,} 
 it being excessively hot, I took my umbrella, and 
 strolled out into the solitudes of this immense city. 
 I had not proceeded far, when I was assailed by a 
 mob of some two or three hundred negroes and 
 boys, who began pelting me with various unseem 
 ly missiles. Not knowing what offence I had 
 committed, I was in considerable perplexity, when 
 a sober respectable person came up and explained 
 the whole matter. " It is the custom here/ said 
 he, ft where but few persons enjoy the luxury of 
 hats, to put them on the top of their umbrellas in 
 stead of their heads, in order to make them the 
 more conspicuous. Your omitting to do this, has 
 caused a suspicion of your being an Englishman, 
 
316 JOHN BULi IN AMERICA. 
 
 and that you have not already lost both eyes, a 
 piece of your nose, and been roasted at a log fire, 
 is a great piece of good luck." By his advice, I 
 immediately did homage to the genius of democra 
 cy, by placing my hat on the top of my umbrella, 
 and hoisting both over my head. This appeased 
 the mob, who gave three cheers, under cover of 
 which I retreated, accompanied by the stranger, 
 who I at first took it for granted, had a design to 
 rob me, if not something worse. 
 
 Upon further intercourse and examination, how 
 ever, I had a shrewd suspicion of his being one of 
 my own countrymen. He was a stout, square 
 built man, with a broad ruddy face, redolent of 
 small beer; all which appearances were in perfect 
 contrast with the rawboned, cadaverous figures of 
 the natives. Instead of the light loose pantaloons, 
 short gingham coats, and detestable straw hats, 
 which constitute the summer dress of the Yankee 
 gentlemen, he wore a frock of genuine British 
 broadcloth, a pair of corderoy breeches, and woollen 
 stockings, all which gave him a respectable and re 
 sponsible appearance, although rather warm for the 
 season. These peculiarities, together with a certain 
 politeness of manner, and purity of language, almost, 
 persuaded me that he was a true Englishman, and 
 presently afterwards seeing him wipe his nose on 
 the sleeve of his coat, 1 became satisfied my con 
 jectures were well founded. We soon became so 
 ciable, and continued our walk together some 
 time. I found him, like all the Englishmen I 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 217 
 
 have met with here, out of humour and discon 
 tented with every thing, the people, the country, 
 the government, the air, the water, and most es 
 pecially, the system of farming, and the obstinate 
 ignorance of the American farmers. 
 
 " I brought with me to this country," said he, 
 "rising of two thousand guineas, with part of 
 which I bought a farm in Pennsylvania. Being 
 determined to show them something in the way of 
 farming, which they never saw before, for the 
 honour of Old England, I sent home for iron 
 ploughs, iron harrows, iron rakes, in short I had 
 every thing of iron, even to my hog-trough. I 
 also imported an English bull, English cows, En 
 glish sheep, English hogs, an English dairy-wo 
 man, an English ploughman, English ploughs, 
 and all sorts of English farming instruments. All 
 this cost me a great deal of money but I was de 
 termined to show the Yankee farmers something 
 for the honour of Old England. 
 
 " As I expected huge crops owing to my im 
 proved system of English farming, I built large 
 barns for my wheat and hay, large stables for my 
 horses, oxen, cows, sheep, and other stock, for 
 I was determined they should be well lodged. I 
 spent a vast deal in hedging, ditching, and other 
 improvements, the labour of which was rather ex 
 pensive, and made another great hole in my gui 
 neas. However, I was resolved to show these 
 bumpkins something in the way of farming, for 
 the honour of Old England. 
 19 
 
218 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 fe I was so much taken up with these preparatory 
 arrangements, that the season passed away before I 
 had time to put in my crops, so that I was under 
 the necessity of purchasing food and fodder for my 
 self, and my English stock, which made another 
 hole in my guineas. However, the spring came 
 on, and I set to work, to show the Yankees some 
 thing in the way of farming for the honour of Old 
 England. My bull had been stuffed and curry- 
 combed till he had grown a perfect monster, so that 
 when I turned him into the field, the neighbours 
 came from ten miles round to see him. An old 
 quaker, whose farm joined mine, said to me, 
 1 Friend, I fear our earth is not strong enough for 
 thy bull, but I paid no attention to his slang. 
 
 " Being perfectly satisfied, from the analysis of 
 Sir Humphrey Davy, that wheat, rye, corn, and 
 the other grains cultivated in this country, con 
 tained little or no nourishment, compared with 
 other products, I determined to put my whole 
 force upon a field of four acres, which I devoted 
 to the cultivation of rut a bagfi. With my iron 
 plough, my iron harrow, and rny English plough 
 man, assisted by two Yankee labourers, in the 
 course of two months, I put my four acres into 
 such order as had never been seen before. It was 
 a perfect garden, the rows were as straight as 
 arrows, and there was not a clod of earth above 
 ground as large as an egg to be seen. Every 
 body came to admire, but as yet nobody imitated 
 me, such is the ignorant and insolent obstinacy 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 219 
 
 of the Yankee farmers. " Friend," said my neigh 
 bour, the old quaker " friend Shortridge, what 
 art thou going to put in thy field here ?" 
 
 " Ruta baga," 
 
 " Ruta baga! what is that, friend John?" 
 
 " Turnips," replied I. 
 
 "Well, why didn t thee call them so at first? 
 If thou talkest Latin here, nobody will understand 
 thee, friend John. But what art thou going to do 
 with thy turnips?" 
 
 " I shall feed my cattle, sheep, and hogs with 
 some, and sell the rest to my neighbours." 
 
 " But thy neighbours will raise their own tur 
 nips, and will not buy." 
 
 " Then I will send them to market." 
 
 " What, sixty miles over a turnpike ? That will 
 be a bad speculation, friend John. Thee had best 
 put in a few acres of wheat and corn, they will 
 pay the expense of taking to market. Thy turnips 
 will cost more than they will come to." 
 
 " Not I indeed, friend Underbill," said I. " Sir 
 Humphrey Davy says there is little or no nourish 
 ment in wheat and corn." 
 
 " No !" quoth the old quaker, with a sly glance 
 at his round portly figure; "I have lived upon 
 them all my life, and never made the discovery, 
 friend John." 
 
 " My ruta baga flourished to the admiration of 
 the whole neighbourhood, and when I came to 
 gather my crop in the fall, there was a heap as high 
 as a hay-stack. Some of them measured eighteen 
 
220 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 inches in diameter. I was as proud as a peacock, 
 for I had now done something for the honour of 
 Old England. I determined to give my cattle, 
 sheep, and hogs a great feast, and invited my good 
 neighbour, the quaker, to see how they would eat 
 ruta baga. A quantity was nicely cut up and 
 thrown to them one morning, but to my astonish 
 ment and mortification, not one would touch a 
 morsel. Whether it was that they had become 
 spoiled by a fine season of grass, or by evil com 
 munication with the republican cattle, I cannot 
 tell ; but the bull turned up his nose the cows 
 turned their backs, and so did the sheep, while the 
 pigs ran away screaming mightily. Thee should 
 set them to reading Sir Humphey Davy, friend 
 John, quoth my neighbour < they havVt learn 
 ing enough to relish thy Latin turnips. 
 
 " The autumn was now come, and there was a 
 long winter before me, for which, I confess, I was 
 but illy provided. Relying on my ruta baga, I 
 had neglected my grass, or rather had pastured -it 
 the whole season, depending on my turnips, as I 
 said before, for winter food for my stock I sent 
 a load of them to market, but the tolls and other 
 expenses swallowed up the price of the whole, and 
 brought me a little in debt. I then offered to ex 
 change ruta baga with my neighbours for hay and 
 other products, but they shook their heads and de 
 clined to a man. 
 
 " On the back of this came the loss of my fa 
 mous bull, who one night got into a piece of low 
 ground, where he sunk in, and perished before 
 
JOHN BFLL IN AMERICA. 221 
 
 morning. < I am sorry for thy loss friend John/ 
 said the old quaker, but I told thee our earth was 
 not strong enough for a beast with such little short 
 legs, and such a huge body/ To mend the mat 
 ter, my plump, rosy-faced English dairy-maid 
 got married to a young fellow of the neighbour 
 hood, whose father was a rich farmer, and my im 
 ported ploughman being told that a dram in the 
 morning was good for keeping off the ague and 
 fever, seemed to think he couldn t have too much 
 of a good thing, and was fuddled from morning 
 till night. 
 
 "Winter came on, and a terrible long hard win 
 ter was it. For some time I purchased what I 
 wanted for my family and stock of the neighbours, 
 but the spring turning out very backward, and the 
 frost continuing till late in April, all kinds of food 
 for cattle and stock became so scarce that there 
 was none to be had for love or money. As a last 
 resort, I resolved again to try the ruta bag;a. Ac 
 cordingly, after preparing my cattle and pigs by a 
 long fast, I offered some to their acceptance. It was 
 Hopson s choice, and they nibbled a little, making 
 divers wry faces withal. By degrees they took 
 to it more kindly and ate freely. But somehow 
 or other, so far from thriving or growing fat upon 
 this fare, they dwindled away, so that many ot them 
 gave up the ghost, and those that were turned to 
 pasture in the spring, looked like skeletons. The 
 old quaker came to look at them one day. Thy 
 cattle are rather lean, friend John, said he, but 
 
22,2 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 there is one comfort, they will not sink into the 
 marshes and perish, like the fat Teesw&ter bull. 
 
 " Thus ended my first season of farming. It 
 had not realized my expectations to be sure, but 
 had now grown somewhat wiser by experience, 
 and was resolved this year to do something hand 
 some for the honour of Old England. About this 
 time my brother, a captial Norfolk farmer, wrote 
 me word Sir Humphrey Davy had just announced 
 to the world an analysis of carrots, by which it ap 
 peared they contained a greater quantity of saccha 
 rine matter than any other common vegetable, and 
 consequently more nourishment. Seizing this hint, 
 I turned my attention immediately to the cultiva 
 tion of carrots, being resolved to reap the benefit 
 at once, before any body else entered into compe 
 tition. I selected a field of sixteen acres, which 
 I employed six labourers to prepare and cultivate 
 under my direction. John, said the old quaker, 
 what art thou about this season ? Art thou in love 
 with thy Latin turnips still ? J 
 
 " Pshaw ! J replied I, " carrots have twice as 
 much saccharine matter. I am going to cultivate 
 carrots 
 
 " Friend John, thou wilt never prosper till thou 
 callest things by their honest Christian names. But 
 what dost thou expect to do with thy sixteen acres 
 of carrots? 7 
 
 " I shall feed my cattle with part, and send the 
 rest to market." 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 223 
 
 " Ah ! John, John," exclaimed the old quaker, 
 " remember thy turnips with the Latin name." 
 
 " My crop of carrots was amazing. I had such 
 a quantity I did not know what to do with them, 
 for my neighbours had enough of their own, and 
 they were not worth taking to market. My 
 cattle, to be sure, having little else, sometimes 
 tried to eat them, but they some how or other, 
 didn t thrive, and besides this, I and my family 
 could not live upon carrots. This winter, there 
 fore, I was again obliged to buy almost every 
 thing I wanted, and the remainder of my guineas 
 all vanished. Not only this, but I was compelled 
 to take up money from the old quaker to a consi 
 derable amount, to buy stock to replace several of 
 my horses, cows, and sheep, that died during the 
 winter ; for some how or other the saccharine 
 matter of the carrots did not seem to agree with 
 them. Every time I went to the quaker to bor 
 row money, he would say, after letting me have 
 it, Friend John, thee hadst better plant corn 
 and sow wheat and rye, as we do, though they 
 don t contain quite so much of the saccharine mat 
 ter. My reply usually was * Friend Underbill, 
 thy money is better than thy advice. I didn t 
 come all the way from Old England, to learn farm 
 ing of you Yankees. - 
 
 " But, although I put in practice regularly the 
 most approved methods, recommended by Arthur 
 Young, and other great English farmers, and adopt- 
 
224 JOHN BULL IK AMERICA. 
 
 ed every improvement*! saw published by the 
 English agricultural societies, I regularly went be 
 hindhand every year, and was obliged to borrow 
 money, every now and then, of the old quaker, 
 who never failed to repeat his advice, which I al 
 ways treated in the same manner. Whoever heard 
 of a thorough-bred English farmer, demeaning 
 himself by imitating these ignorant Yankees? 
 
 l( I had forgot to mention, among other instan 
 ces of the obstinacy with which these republicans 
 adhere to their barbarous notions, that they resist 
 ed all my persuasions to adopt the wholesome 
 English custom of wearing woollen garments du 
 ring the summer. They stuck to their straw hats 
 and linen shirts and trowsers, and laughed at my 
 corderoy breeches and woollen stockings, though 
 I proved to them they were much the most heal 
 thy and comfortable. To be sure I used to per 
 spire a little in the dog-days ; but what of that ? I 
 was resolved not to sacrifice the honour of Old 
 England to the ignorance of these raw republicans. 
 The old quaker came to me one day, when the 
 thermometer was at ninety, and said in his sly 
 W ay ( Friend John, if thee is cold, I will lend 
 thee my great coat, for verily it is a bitter day, 
 for the season. I took no notice of what he said, 
 for though I really did feel a little uncomfortable, 
 it would have been too great a triumph to these 
 people, to see me adopting any of their notions. 
 
 "At the end of three years I went one day to the 
 old quaker to take up some more money. Friend 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 225 
 
 John, said he, < hast thou ever read in Sir Hum 
 phrey Davy, or any of thine oracles, that borrow 
 ing day is always sooner or later followed by pay 
 day ? Thou hast been borrowing for the last three 
 years, without paying either principal or interest. 
 I cannot advance thee any more, for thy farm will 
 scarcely sell for what will pay the debt thou alrea 
 dy owest me/ This was a thing that had not struck 
 me before, as I had never read of it either in Ar 
 thur Young or any other approved agriculturist. As 
 it was known all over the neighbourhood, that 
 my farm was mortgaged for its full value to the 
 quaker, my credit was now gone, and, in order to 
 raise money for the supply of my increasing wants, 
 I began to cut down the trees, and sell the timber, 
 to the wheelwrights and others. 
 
 " Hearing of this, the old quaker came to me 
 and said : Friend John, if thou goest on in this 
 way, thy farm will, by-and-by, be without wood, 
 and will not sell for wherewithal to pay my mort 
 gages. For thy sake, as well as mine, I shall fore 
 close. He did so; my farm was sold at public 
 sale by the sheriff, and bought in by the old qua 
 ker to save himself from loss. When I was on the 
 point of quitting the neighbourhood, he came to 
 me and said : Friend John, thou art going away 
 among strangers without money. Here is fifty 
 dollars to begin the world again, which thou wilt 
 pay me when thou art able, and I will give thee a 
 little advice that will, if thou takest it, be worth 
 ten times as much. It is, to remember whenever 
 
226 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 thou comest into a strange country, there is al 
 ways something to learn, as well as to teach. The 
 same shoe will not fit every body s foot, neither 
 will the same mode of farming suit every country. 
 The best farmer is not he that raises the greatest 
 crops, but he that raises them at the least expense. 
 In thy country land is dear and labour cheap in 
 ours, labour is dear and land cheap. This must 
 needs make a difference in the quantity of labour 
 which it is profitable to put on thy land, so that 
 the product will pay for thy labour. Moreover, thy 
 big bull with the little short legs, and thy big fat 
 sheep and cows, that can scarcely waddle along, 
 will do for the smooth lawns, close shaven hills, 
 and cool skies of thy country, but they will not 
 stand our hot summers, our swampy low grounds, 
 und our rough rocky mountains. Moreover, I do 
 most specially recommend thee to eschew turnips 
 with Latin names ; to plant corn and potatoes, 
 sow wheat and rye, like thy neighbours, and, above 
 all, abjure Sir Humphrey Davy and his saccharine 
 matter. Farewell, friend John, I wish thee bet 
 ter success another time. 
 
 I have given this story as nearly as possible for 
 the purpose of exhibiting at full length a warning 
 example to our English farmers at home, who may 
 be about to emigrate to this country. In order to 
 succeed, they must, in the first place, accommo 
 date themselves to situation and circumstances, 
 which is contrary to the independent nature and 
 feelings of a true-born Englishman. Instead of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 227 
 
 the soil, climate, products, and season accommo 
 dating thdhiselves to their mode of farming, as 
 they ought to do, considering its immense superi 
 ority, our farmers, forsooth, must pay homage to 
 the genius of democracy, and degrade themselves 
 by stooping to learn wheie they came to teach. 
 They must consent to grow articles that will pay 
 for carrying to market, although they don t con 
 tain half the quantity of saccharine matter which 
 others do they must plant corn and wheat, in 
 stead of carrots and ruta baga they must unlearn 
 their own knowledge, and adopt the ignorace of 
 others they must even consult the wayward ap 
 petites of their imported cattle and pigs, who seem 
 actually to become sophisticated, by breathing the 
 air of democracy, and occasionally smelling to the 
 Yankee cattle over a stone wall. 
 
 After spending the whole morning together; 
 strolling along the shady river, we returned to din 
 ner. The dny was so excessively hot, that I al 
 most caught myself envying the Yankees their 
 straw hats, gingham short coats, and linen panta 
 loons. My poor friend in the woollen stockings, 
 panted like a tired mastiff, and perspired like an 
 ox ; but still there was something very respectable 
 in his blue broadcloth frock, striped swansdown 
 waistcoat, cordery breeches, and gray woollen 
 hose. I forgot to mention that this deluded, though 
 worthy man. had come to Washington for the pur 
 pose of petitioning the congress to establish a farm 
 at- the public expense, and under his special direc- 
 
228 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 tion, in the view of giving a practical illustration 
 of the benefits of a system of farming adapted to 
 an old country, when applied to a new one. But 
 his proposal was treated with the most stupid in 
 difference, by the arrogant, self-sufficient, bund 
 ling, gouging, guessing, drinking, dirking, spit 
 ting, chewing, pig stealing, impious genius of de 
 mocracy, as the Quarterly says. * * * 
 
 THE EIs~n. 
 


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