UC-NRLF 1M DMT V4tfJ :: -< UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA GIFT OF MRS. MARY WOLFSOHN IN MEMORY OF I teflfrJJQK HENRY WOLFSOHN ^KM^MXM^JKMXM^K^KM: A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION ffarce BY W. D. HOWELLS ILLUSTRATED : \ NEW YORK HARPER AND BROTHERS 1892 Copyright, 1892, by W. D. HOWELLS. All rights reserved. ILLUS FRATIONS PAGE "Everything- depends upon wn kind of humor ne s in-" Frontispiece "There he is!" . 31 " I always heard the American lac iivj were so amiable." . 37 " That was a very droll expression of Mr. Campbell s about a goat." ..... 45 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION FARCE I MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS TV/T RS. ROBERTS, looking in upon her *" husband from the door of the li brary in their apartment at Hotel Belt- mgham : "Well, you ve got rid of him, Edward." Roberts : " Yes, at last, thank Heaven !" He continues writing at his table, with out looking up, as he answers his wife. " But I thought he never would go, at one time. He isn t a bad kind of fellow, for an Englishman, and if I hadn t been so busy with this paper, I shouldn t have minded his staying. Of course he was nationally English, but personally he was rather nice. Still it was a terrible inter ruption, just at this moment." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Mrs. Roberts: "Why didn t you hint to him, somehow, to go away?" Roberts : " Well, I couldn t do that, you know. I really liked him. He was so very amiable." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, his being amiable is no excuse. You re amiable yourself, Edward too amiable, if anything. I don t call it amiable to take up almost a full hour of your precious time. I should think any one who came in and saw how busy you were, now, would go away if he had a heart of stone. No, I can t believe he was truly amiable ; and I must really do something to protect you from these constant interruptions. How do you think I d better do it?" Roberts, writing: "Do what?" Mrs. Roberts, sinking into a chair, and folding her hands in her lap : " Protect you from these interruptions." Roberts, writing : " Protect who ?" Mrs. Roberts : " You, Edward. My heart bleeds for you, to see you so driven with your work, and then people coming in and sitting down, and talking to you. I must stop it." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 9 Roberts, wViting : " Oh yes. Stop what ?" Mrs. Roberts : " These perfectly killing interruptions. I should think you would go crazy." Roberts, writing : " Who ?" Mrs. Roberts : " Why you, you poor thing. I think it s worse than cruelty to animals." Roberts, writing : " Worse than cruelty to animals. Worse Why, what non sense is this you ve made me write, Ag nes?" He looks up at her in a daze. " What do you want, Agnes ? And do state it succinctly, my dear !" Mrs. Roberts : " Why, I didn t know but you d asked him to stay to lunch." Roberts, writing again : " No ; I didn t really feel that I could give the time. I should have liked to do so, and I suppose it was rather shabby not to. It was the least he could have expected." He con tinues writing. " But I ve done the next best thing. I ve given him a letter of introduction to Uncle Philip, and he will glut him with all kinds of hospitality when he gets to New York." 10 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Mrs. Roberts: "Yes." After a mo ment. " Do you think it was quite right, Edward ?" Roberts, looking up : " Right ? What right?" Mrs. Roberts : " To put him off on your uncle, if you didn t like him yourself?" Roberts : " But I did like him. I liked him as well as it s possible to like any Englishman on short notice. You have to know an Englishman several days be fore you re sure you like him ; but this one was really very pleasant, and I told Uncle Philip he would probably find him ,so, unless I was greatly deceived. But now, Agnes, you must really let me go on " Mrs. Roberts: "Surely, Edward, you didn t put that into a letter of introduc tion ?" Roberts, laughing : " That I would have to leave open for him to read ? Well, I m not quite so bad as that, Ag nes. I wrote a letter to Uncle Philip, to go through the post, and I told him that as soon as he got through the crust of a rather insular manner, and a most un- A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION II accountable enthusiasm for Americans, I d no doubt he d find my Englishman charming. You couldn t suppose I d put all that in a letter of introduction ?" Mrs. Roberts: "Of course not. But you know you are so absent-minded, my dear, and I couldn t help being a little afraid " Roberts : " Your fears come too late, my dear. The Englishman is gone, and both the letters with him. Now you must let me finish this Mrs. Roberts, rising to her feet in amazement . " Both the letters with him ?" Roberts : " Yes ; I knew he would pass the letter-box on the corner, and I asked him to drop Uncle Philip s letter in it." Mrs. Roberts : " Wasn t that rather pe culiar, Edward ?" Roberts, with vexation: "Peculiar? No ! What was peculiar about it ?" The Voices, in the anteroom, without, of Mr. and Mrs. Willis Campbell : He : " In the library ? Well, we ll just push right in on them;" She : " And Mrs. Roberts is there too ?" Roberts : " Oh, good heavens ! Go 2 "< 12 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION out, Agnes, and stop them ! Take them into the parlor a moment, do, till I get this" Mrs. Roberts : " You know I can t do that, Edward !" To Mrs. Campbell, at the door: "Ah! Come in, Amy! I m so glad to see you." The ladies kiss, and Campbell follows his wife in. II MR. AND MRS. CAMPBELL; THE ROB ERTS ES Campbell: "And so is Roberts; but he doesn t look it. Hope I don t interrupt you, Roberts, as people say when they know they do." Roberts, who has pushed away his writing, and risen to greet the intruders with forced gayety : " How do you do, Amy? No; I was just getting to the end of my morning s work, Willis." Campbell : " Well, it ll do you good to break off before you reach the very tip, then. Keep you from having that tired feeling, you know. What you need is a A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 13 little dynamite to blast you out of your chair, here, every morning at half past twelve. If you keep on writing close up to lunch, you ll spoil your digestion." Roberts : " Well, I sha n t this morn ing. I ve had an Englishman here for the last hour, and I feel as if I could di gest almost anything." Mrs. Campbell : " Why, it must have been your Englishman, then, whom we met at the corner, as we came here! There, Willis ! I told you it was an Eng lishman !" Campbell : " I couldn t believe it : he was so confoundedly agreeable, and he had so much of that English brogue, when he spoke, that I thought he must be a New Yorker." Mrs. Roberts : " Why, how came he to talk with you ?" Campbell : " Well, he was hanging round a telegraph pole, trying to post a letter in the fire-alarm box. He said he d been asked to post it by a gentleman who had told him there was a letter-box at the first corner, and the fire-alarm looked like it. I had to take him by the elbow, 1^ A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION and steer him across the street to the green box on the lamp post. He didn t seem to like the way it opened its mouth at the top like a dying frog, but he risked his letter in it, anyway." Mrs. Roberts : " There, Edward !" Campbell : " Hello ! Where does Rob erts come in ?" Mrs. Roberts maintains a reproachful silence, and Campbell turns to Roberts : " Look here, Roberts, what have you been doing ? It wasn t you who gave that poor young Englishman that letter to post ?" Roberts, trying to put a bold face upon it : " Nonsense ! Certainly I did. I had given him a letter of introduction to Uncle Philip he thinks he may go on to New York to-night, by the boat and I asked him to post the letter I wrote to advise Uncle Philip of his coming. That s all." Mrs. Roberts : " Of course it was all right. But it seemed a little odd when Edward first told me." Campbell : " Did you make your uncle the usual little confidences about the in- troducee, in your letter of advice ?" , A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 15 Roberts : " I told him I knew he would like him after he had got through his insular manner." Campbell : "And then you got him to post the letter ! Well, it was something like seething the kid in its mother s milk, "Agnes." Mrs. Campbell : " What a disgusting idea! Mr. Roberts, don t mind him! He isn t worth it. His one idea is to tease." Roberts : " I see what you mean, Camp bell. But of course he couldn t know what was in it, and it seemed very simple and natural to get him to drop it in the box." Campbell : " It was simple, and it was very natural. A less absent-minded man s wife might have told him it wasn t exact ly delicate, even if the fellow couldn t have known what was in it." Mrs. Campbell : "And \\\you it would have been indelicate ; but with Mr. Rob erts it s a very different thing." Campbell : " Oh yes ; I know ! Ab sent-mindedness. Well, Roberts, you ll get yourself into an awful mess with your absent-mindedness some day. How do : 16 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION you know he didn t know what was in the letter to your uncle ?" Roberts, with some scorn : " Why, sim ply because I sealed it before I gave it to him." Campbell : "And did you seal the let ter of introduction ?" Roberts : " Of course not !" Campbell : " Oh, you didn t ! Then how do you know that you didn t seal up the letter of introduction, and give him the letter of advice to carry with him ?" Roberts : " Because I know I didn t." Campbell: "Oh, that s no reason! Now< be careful. Would you swear you didn t ? Suppose you were on the witness stand !" Mrs. Campbell : " No, don t suppose it, Mr. Roberts. Don t suppose anything of the kind." Campbell, without regarding her: "This* sort of thing is done every day. People are always getting letters mixed, and shuffling them into the wrong envelopes. Amy did something of the kind herself down at the Shore, last summer and nearly broke off the engagement between A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 1J young Welling and Miss Green way. And if she hadn t been the most sensible kind o* a girl, Amy would have done it, too. And as it was, I had to do some of the tallest lying this side of the Pacific slope. Perfect sequoias made our place, down there, look like the Yosemite Park, when those fables began to tower up." Mrs. Campbell, faltering : " It s true, Agnes. I told you about it, you remem ber." Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, I know. But that doesn t prove that Edward Campbell: "Oh, doesn t it! If Amy, who has her few wits always about her, could do such a thing, it stands to reason that Roberts, whose multitudinous mind is always off somewhere else when it s wanted, would do it nine times out of ten. Think how absent-minded he is ! Re member how he got aboard the sleeping- car that night, and went prying round in all the berths to find you ?" Mrs. Campbell : " Don t be offensive, Willis !" Campbell : " I m simply veracious ! And then think how he left his watch 1 8 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION > in his room, and thought poor old Bemis was a garroter that had taken it from him, and ran after him on the Common, and grabbed Bemis s watch from him, and nearly killed him. And then his going to meet a cook that he d never seen at the Albany depot, and getting into that scrape with Mrs. Mcllheny." Mrs. Roberts: "That was my fault, Willis. I sent him ; and I ought to have remembered that he d never seen the cook." Campbell: "Oh! And what ought Roberts to have remembered ? I tell you, he s put that Englishman s letter of in troduction into the sealed envelops, and the letter of advice into the open one, beyond the shadow of a doubt." Roberts, with rising alarm : " Oh, pshaw ! You know you don t think so, Willis." Campbell: "Think so? I know it! Where was he sitting ?" Roberts : " Where you are now." Campbell : " In this chair ? When you wrote the letters, which did you finish first?" A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION IQ Roberts : " The letter of introduction, I think." Campbell : " You think ! He can t even remember that ! Well, can you remem ber which you gave him first ?" Roberts : " No, I can t ; but it must have been the letter of introduc Campbell : " Did you put both letters injtheir envelopes before you gave them to him, or did you hand him first one and then the other ?" Roberts : "I m sure I can t~say ! But my impression is Campbell, waving his conjecture scorn fully aside : " Agnes, you see how thor oughly mixed up he is." Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, and you ve mix ed him up. I declare " Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, Willis." Campbell : " Oh, very well, then ! If I ve mixed him up, I ll let him unmix himself. Then he can t complain. If he didn t blunder with the letters, I sup pose my merely asking him won t create the fact. I didn t make him do it." Mrs. Campbell : " And he didn t do it." Campbell : " He ought to know." 20 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Mrs. Roberts : " And you do know, \ don t you, Edward ?" Roberts i " Why, of course. But any- thing s possible. And now that Willis has suggested it, why, I can t take my oath " Campbell, to the ladies : ." You see !" Roberts : " What what can I do, Willis? The mere supposition of such a thing Campbell : " Oh, / don t know. Go after the Englishman, I suppose, and try to run him down before he reads your letter of advice." He bursts into a loud, unfeeling laugh, while Roberts begins to walk the floor in agitation. " Can you recall any of the expressions you used ? Perhaps they weren t so bad." Roberts, pausing and rubbing his fore head : " I think I can. I told Uncle Phil not to mind his insular manner; that he was necessarily offensive as an English man ; but that he seemed to have a great many good qualities, and was quite American in some of his feelings and ideas, and had an enthusiasm for us wor thy of a better cause. I said I had only A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 21 met him once, but I had no doubt he would prove worthy of any kindness that was shown him." Campbell : " Patronizing and insulting to the last degree ! Well, you ve done it, Roberts !" Roberts : " I know I see ! But I didn t mean to be offensive. The fact is, I wrote very hastily ; I wanted to get rid of him ; my mind was half on my article, here " Campbell: "And it was in the sarnie divided condition when you put the let ters into their envelopes ! What could you expect ?" Roberts: " Look here, Willis! Couldn t you Campbell : " Oh, no ! This isn t a thing that /can interfere in. If it were a case for ground-and-lofty lying, you might call me in ; but where it s principally tact that s needed, I d better leave it to you, my dear fellow." He claps Roberts on the shoulder, and breaks down in anoth er laugh. Mrs. Campbell : " Now look here, Wil lis ! This is perfectly outrageous. You 22 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION haven t the slightest proof in the world that Mr. Roberts has mixed the letters, and it s just your wicked teasing that makes you say he has. If you have any feeling at all, you will stop. / think it s gone beyond a joke." Mrs. Roberts : " And I dp, too, Amy. Of course I think .Edwarcfwas wrong to send the man to his uncle just to get rid of him ; but that s no reason Willis should torment him so." Roberts : " No, no ! There s only too great reason to suppose he s right. Good heavens ! What shall I do about it ?" Campbell : " Well, if I might venture a little suggestion without being de nounced as a heartless reprobate " Roberts : " I haven t denounced you, Willis !" Campbell : " My wife and sister have in your interest, and just when I had thought how to help you out." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, how, Willis ?" Mrs. Campbell : " Tell it, instantly, Wil lis T Campbell : You d better look him up at his hotel, and pretend you thought you A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 23 gave the wrong address on the letter to your uncle." Roberts : " That s all very well, but I don t know where he s stopping." Campbell : " Well, that does rather cut the ground from under us." A ring at the door is heard. " Ah-, there he is now, coming back to have it out with Roberts. He s read that letter of advice, and he wants to know what it means. We must go, Roberts. I m sorry to leave you in this fix, but " III BELLA; THE CAMPBELLS; THE ROB- ERTSES Bella, the maid, coming in with a card for Roberts : " The elevator boy brought it up. The gentleman is waiting below, sir." Roberts, glancing at the card : " Mer ciful powers ! Willis is right ! It is the man himself!" Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, Edward, what do you suppose he wants? But don t be alarmed, dearest ! / don t agree with 24 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Willis in his pessimistic views. I know you can easily explain it." Campbell : " Oh, can he ? Well, I think I ll just wait, then, and hear his explana tion." Mrs. Campbell : " Willis ! You must advise him what to do. You must in vent some plan." Campbell : " Thank you ! I don t deny that I m pretty ingenious, and all that; but what you want here is the invention of a Thomas A. Edison. Nothing short of it will ever get Roberts out of this scrape." Roberts, trying to pluck up courage : " But I deny that there is any scrape. The whole affair is purely hypothetical. There s nothing in the world to prove that I ve mixed up the letters, and I deny that I did. The man has simply come back because he s forgotten something, or wishes to make some little inquiry, or Campbell : " Then why don t you have him up at once, instead of letting him cool his heels down there in your front hall? Have him up! It s uncivil to keep him waiting." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 25 Mrs. Roberts : " No, no." To the maid : "Stop, Bella! No, Willis; we must pro vide for contingencies. I think Edward is perfectly right, and I know he didn t mix the letters up; but oughtn t we. to guard against any chances, Willis ?" Campbell : " I should say you ought. And you d better ring for a policeman to do it. He s an awfully athletic-looking fellow. Those Englishmen often are." Mrs. Roberts : " Then, Bella, you must tell the boy to say that Mr. Roberts has just gone out ; and that Mrs. Roberts is very sorry Roberts: "No, Agnes, that won t do, my dear. I can t allow that. If I ve done this thing, I must face the conse quences." Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, that s what I say. We must provide for contingencies." Campbell : " He may want to fight you, Roberts/like Mcllheny, you know, when you asked his wife whether she was a cook." Mrs. Campbell : " Everything depends upon what kind of humor he s in, of course," 26 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Mrs. Roberts : " Of course. If he s very boisterous, you mustn t have any thing flo say to him ; but if he s pleasant, or if he s merely cold, or hurt, in his manner, why, I suppose you must ask him to lunch. And Willis and Amy can stay, and help make it go off." Campbell : " Oh, thank you, Agnes ! The Roberts family seems to have a gift for patronizing offensiveness ; I don t mind it myself, but if I was an English man that Roberts had told to his face that he was nationally detestable Roberts : " Told to his face ?" Campbell: "It s the same thing it would take a good deal more than lunch to pacify me. I should want dinner, and not merely a family dinner, a snap-shot, accidental thing, but a regular formal af fair, with the best people asked, and the chance of other invitations. The least you can do, Roberts, is to send for this Englishman s baggage, and make him stay a fortnight with you." Mrs. Roberts : " I had thought of that, Willis." Campbell : " You said lunch" A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 27 Mrs. Roberts : " But our flat is so small, and the children are in the guest- chamber " Campbell : "And in the mean time, the Englishman is waiting below in the se lect society of the janitor." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, my goodness, I forgot all about him !" Roberts: "Yes. We must have him up at once, and then act accordingly." Campbell : "Oh yes ; you mustn t give yourself away. If you don t happen to have mixed the letters up, you don t want to begin apologizing. You will have to judge from his manner." Roberts : " But he was so extremely flattering, so very enthusiastic about us, I m afraid we can t tell from his man ner." Campbell: "You must draw him out, specifically. Did you ask him how he liked America?" Roberts : " No ; I was ashamed to ask him when he told me he had just arrived this morning." Campbell : " Well, then, Amy can ask him. She isn t ashamed to ask anything. 28 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION And if he begins to abuse us, up hill and down d^le Mrs. Campbell : " He had better not abuse us ! I shouldn t allow it." Mrs. Roberts: "Oh yes, Amy; bear anything! We must try to pacify him somehow." Campbell : " And Roberts had better go out, and meet him in that anteroom of yours it s as dark as a pocket and make him take off his overcoat he mustn t allow any refusal and then kind of linger behind him a moment af ter you ve received him at the door here, and search his overcoat pockets. Very probably he s put the letter into one of them." Mrs. Roberts: "Do you think that would be very nice, Willis?" Campbell: "Well, I don t know: about as nice as having Amy truckle to his abuse of the country." Mrs. Campbell : " It isn t at all the same thing." Campbell : " It s exactly the same thing." A ring at the door summons Bella away. " He s getting impatient. A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 2Q Well, I shouldn t like to be kept waiting so long myself." Bella, returning : "It s the gentleman below, ^na am. The boy says he d Hire to know if you got his card." Campbell : " I thought so. You must let him come up, or you must send word that you re not at home. You can t pro long the suspense indefinitely." Mrs. Campbell : " No, Agnes, you can t, really!" Roberts : " We must decide, my dear !" Mrs. Roberts, desperately: "Well, then, tell the janitor to send him up, Bella !" As Bella goes : " And we haven t thought at all how we shall act !" Campbell: "Well, I know one thing: if Roberts lets his knees knock together, so as to be heard, I won t stand it. I ll leave the house. It ll be too disgraceful. Courage, Roberts ! I wouldn t miss seeing how r you ll carry this thing off for any money ! I know you re a perfect moral hero on all ordinary occasions, but in a predicament like this I don t envy you. And the worst of it is, that if the fellow s a gentleman and he looked like one, in 3O A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION the English way you won t be able to judge from his acts how he feels ! You ll have to grope your way in the dark, and There he is !" A ring is heard. " Now let s all look unconcerned, as if we were not expecting any one. Amy, you be turning over those photographic views of the White Mountains, in your pretty, careless way. Agnes, you be examining some object with the microscope. Here, Roberts, you sit down to your writing again. And I ll be tuning up the family phonograph. That ll give him an idea of a cultivated Boston family, at home with itself, and at peace with the whole human family. And we must all be ex tremely deferential and complimentary so s to take the bad taste of Roberts s letter out of his mouth." Campbell de livers these instructions in a rapid whis per. As Bella opens the door to admit the stranger to the anteroom, he contin ues in a loud, didactic voice : " As you very justly observed, in our present un certainty as to whether the peculiar par allel markings of the planet Mars are marine canals, or merely magic-lantern A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 33 displays of the Martians to attract the attention of the telescope man on Bos ton Common " Bella, announcing the Englishman at the library door : " Mr. Westgate." IV MR. WESTGATE i THE CAMPBELLS; THE ROBERTSES Westgate, to Roberts : " Ah, I beg your pardon ! It s really very ridiculous, and I m quite ashamed to trouble you again, Mr. Roberts. Your letter Roberts, coming eagerly forward : " Oh, I m so glad to see you again, Mr. West- gate. You re just in time for lunch ; and I hope you can sit down with us. Mrs. Roberts, Mr. Westgate. My wife hadn t the pleasure of ah meeting you before, I think. Let me take your overcoat. You ll find it very hot in our American houses, I m afraid." Westgate : " Oh, not at all ! I m sure I shall like it. I should so like to see one of your furnaces ! But I only came back 34 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION a moment to show you a little mistake if it is a mistake Mrs. Roberts, eagerly: "I m so sorry we ve only steam heat, and can t show you a furnace; but you ll find it quij:e hot r and you must take off your coat." Westgate : " Why, you re very good, I m sure. But only for a moment." Roberts: "Allow me!" He possesses himself of Westgate s hat and coat, and rushes out into the anteroom with them. Mrs. Roberts : " Let me introduce you to my sister, Mrs. Campbell ; and my brother, Mr. Campbell, Mr. Westgate." Westgate bows to the lady, and then shakes hands with Campbell. Westgate : "Ah ! how do you do? I d no idea I m very glad to meet you, I m sure. I don t know what I should have done with the letter Mr. Roberts intrust ed to me " Campbell : " Oh, that was nothing. I saw that you were on the point of doing something desperate, and I just stepped in. There s nothing I like better than saving human life; and as I ve often tried to post my wife s letters in the fire- A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 35 alarm box, at two o clock in the morn ing, and never succeeded, yet, I had a fellow-feeling for you." Westgate : " H m ! Yes ! You see your post-boxes are so very different to ours " Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, your London post-boxes are simply delightful ! They re just like posts fat ones; and they take in whole packages. But I hope you like America, Mr. Westgate !" Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, we are always so glacl when your countrymen Campbell : " We aim to please." Westgate: "Well, I can t say I like your post-boxes exactly." Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, neither do we !" Westgate: "And I d always heard you had clear winter weather. I ve never seen it more overcast at home." Mrs. Roberts : " That is true. It s go ing to snow, I think, I m afraid you won t like our snow !" Campbell : " Well, perhaps, we might have .some with the chill off." Westgate, regarding him fixedly for a moment: "Ow! Ah! I see ! Very good! Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! And ha, 36 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION ha, ha ! Ah, ha, ha ! you meant, coming home from the club ! I hadn t under stood your American humor, at first. I fancy there s no hope of any good Samar itan to show you to the post-box at two o clock in the morning hour ! Ah, ha, ha!" Mrs. Roberts: "I ve been scolding my husband for troubling you with that let ter, Mr. Westgate !" Westgate : " No, really ? But I always heard the American ladies were so ami able, you know." Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, we are, Mr. West- gate ! But we have to maintain discipl ine in the family, you know." Westgate : " Of course. But " to Campbell "what did you mean exactly, by having snow with the chill off ? Such a delightful expression." Campbell: "Well, I don t know. Some sort of joke, I suppose." Westgate : " I was sure you did ! Ah, ha, ha ! Your countrymen are so delight fully humorous so funny, you know. You know we think you re such fun." Campbell : " Do you think so ? I don t A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 3Q think we re half so funny as English men." Mrs. Campbell: "We think you re twice as funny as we are, Mr. Westgate." Westgate : " Ow, but really, now !" Mrs. Campbell : " I don t know how we should have done without your Mr. Gilbert." Westgate : " But isn t he rather exag gerated ? I much prefer your Joshua Billings. And your after-dinner speak ers ! Mr. Depew, for instance !" Mrs. Roberts : " But the Prince of Wales, you know." Westgate : " Ow ! Do you regard him as a humorist ? He says some neat things, occasionally. But your California hu mor, now : we ve nothing like that, you know !" Mrs. Campbell : "I m afraid you will make my husband intolerably conceit ed." Westgate : " Really ? Is Mr. ah Campbell a Californian ? How very de lightful ! And is that peculiar dialect used by your California writers spoken in the cities ? I should so much like to 40 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION hear it. I don t thinlrwe ever quite get the right accent in reading it." Campbell : "You d hear it everywhere in California. I m a little out of prac tice now, myself ; I speak Bostonese, at present ; but I recollect very well how the ladies in San Francisco used to say, Well, I got the dead wood onto you, that time, and How re you makin it, pard? and You bet, and You git! You mean that sort of thing?" Westgate : " Exactly. How delightful ! So very picturesque, you know. So im aginative !" Campbell: "Yes, I suppose there s more imagination to the acre in Califor nia than you ll find anywhere else in the United States." Mrs. Campbell : " And more modesty, Mr. Westgate ; more unconscious mer it." Campbell: "Well, I shouldn t like to boast before a foreigner. There s Chi cago. And for a real, unadulterated dif fidence, a shrinking, deprecatory little misgiving as to the existence of the out side universe, I think Mr. Westgate will A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 41 v j find that Boston takes the cake. In Cal ifornia people don t know they re rnodest, but in Boston they do. That s the dif ference." Mrs. Roberts : " I hope Mr. Westgate will stay with us long enough to find out that everything you say is a wicked slan der, Willis. Why must you rush off to New York at once, Mr. Westgate ?" Westgate: "You re very good, I m sure. But I m afraid Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha!" To Campbell : " That was a very amusing expression of yours! Imagination to the acre ! As if it were some kind of crop! Very good! Capital! Ah, ha, ha ! And would you, a be kind enough to explain that expression, take the cake?" Campbell: "Oh, it comes from the cake walk, you know." Westgate : " Ow !" Campbell : " Yes. Where the darkies try to see which can put on the most style in a kind of walk-round, and there s a cake up for a prize, and the greatest swell takes it." Westgate : " How very amusing !" 42 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Campbell " Amusing? It s more fun than a goat !" Mrs. Campbell : " Willis !" Westgate: Oh, but really! Dont stop him ! It s quite what I came to America for those delightful expres sions! I don t know why you re all so shy of using them when you come over ! We get them in print, but we seldom hear them." Campbell "You should go to a ladies lunch here! You wouldn t hear any thing else." Westgate : "Ow ! And just what is a ladies lunch?" Campbell : " It s the social entertain ment of the future. The race is running to girls so, in Massachusetts, that they ve got to having these lunches without ask ing men, so as to see how it will feel when there are no men to ask, Often it s mere ly a hen feed, where they would like to have men if they could get them ; just as a stag dinner is a good time that wom en would like to come to if they could. Sometimes it s a virtue, sometimes it s a necessity. But it s always a joke." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 43 Mrs. Roberts: "You mustn t believe him, Mr. Westgate. He s never been at a ladies lunch, and he doesn t know how charming they are." Westgate : " Yes, I understand gentle men are not asked. But ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha ! that was a very droll expres sion of Mr. Campbell s about a goat. More more amusing than a goat, I think it was. Will you ladies kindly tell me why a goat should be considered so very amusing? You see I m beginning to be afraid I can t trust Mr. Campbell." Mrs. Roberts : " I m afraid you must, in this case. I m sure we don t know why a goat should be more entertaining than any other animal." Westgate : " Ow ! Then you re not all humorists, over here ? We get that idea, you know. We think you re suchjo&ers. But really, you know, I think that some people who do that kind of thing, you know, and have Americans a great deal, don t see the point of their jokes at all times ; or not at once. Your humor is so different to ours, you know. I ve often had the meaning of an American joke 44 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION occur to me some time after, you know, when I ve had leisure to think it out. Still, it is very amusing." Mrs. Campbell : " But we think the English humor so refined so- high bred." Mrs. Roberts : "Oh yes! Your jokes bear the stamp of such an old civiliza tion, my husband says." Campbell : " So polished with Use." Westgate : " Ah, well ! I don t know about that, you know. There may be something in it. But I m inclined to think Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Very good ! Ex cellent ! I didn t catch your meaning, at first. Used so often.! I see ! Ha, ha, ha ! You ought to come over to us, Mr. Camp bell. We ve a great many charming Americans ; but most of them are quite like ourselves." Campbell : " Is it so bad as that ?" Westgate : " Yes ; it s really quite vex ing, you know. So very tiresome." Mrs. Roberts : " I hope Mr. Westgate will stay with us long enough to see that we ve something besides humor in Bos ton, at least. You must let us send to A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 4.7 the hotel for your trunk boxes, I should say." Westgate : " Ow no ! Ow no ! I much prefer trunk! Mrs. Campbell : " And we prefer boxes" Westgate : " N(5, really ?" Mrs. Roberts : " You must be our guest long enough at least to see something of Boston. Mr. Roberts will take you to the Art Club Exhibition." Westgate : " You re really very good 1 But I d really no idea I only came back a moment on atcount of a little mistake I think Mr. Roberts made in the let Mrs. Roberts, hastily : " We think Bos ton is quite an art centre, now. Amy, I want Mr. Westgate to see the little Monet in the p drawing-room." Westgate : " Oh, do say parlor ! I think it s so much nicer. And without the u, please. " Mrs. Campbell : " I see you re deter mined to be pleased with everything American, Mr. Westgate, and I m sure you ll like this Monet." Westgate : " But I beg your pardon ! Isn t he French ?" 48 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Campbell : " All the American pictures we buy are by Frenchmen." Mrs. Campbell : " But we much prefer English pictures, Mr. Westgate. You have so much more technique than the French, so much more school. I adore Tadema, myself." Westgate: "But yes ah I think he s Dutch, though ?" Mrs. Campbell : " Well, as Mr. Camp bell was saying, our paintings are all by Frenchmen all that we buy. If you will come with me, Mr. Westgate " V MRS. ROBERTS; CAMPBELL Mrs. Roberts : " What in the world has happened to Edward ?" Campbell : " He can t have been search ing the man s coat-pockets all this time. Perhaps he s cut open the lining. Or he s found the wrong letter, and has gone off and hid somewhere." Roberts shows himself at the door. " No ; there he is now. I didn t know but he d committed A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 49 suicide. Well, Roberts ! Come in, old fellow ! The coast is clear, for the mo ment !" Roberts advances spectrally into the room. " What s the matter ?" VI ROBERTS; MRS. ROBERTS ; CAMPBELL They all speak throughout the scene in hoarse whispers, and from time to time the voices of Mrs. Campbell and Mr. Westgate pene trate to them from the drawing-room. Roberts : " Is he gone ?" Mrs. Roberts : " Sh ! No. He s in the parlor, with Amy. She s showing him the pictures. He couldn t go without his hat and overcoat, you know." Roberts : " Yes. I didn t think of that." Campbell : " Sh ! Have you been through his clothes ? Sh !" Roberts : " No ; I hadn t the cour age." Campbell : " Sh ! Then where have you been ? Sh !" 6 50 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Roberts : " Sitting out there in the anteroom." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, poor Edward ! Sh ! Did you listen ? He still seems very amiable. Sh ! I don t think he s angry about anything. I don t believe you ve made any serious mistake." Campbell: "Unless he s sh ! dis sembling. They re awfully double-faced fellows, Englishmen are. Sh ! I think he s dissembling. Sh !" Mrs. Roberts : " Sh ! Nonsense, Wil lis ! He says you made some mistake with the letter ; but Campbell : " Sh ! Of course you mixed them ! He s just lying low. You d bet ter keep out of his way, Roberts. Sh !" Westgate, without : " Then I suppose you ve quite a large school of resident artists in Boston ?" Mrs. Campbell, without : " Well, no. But we ve a very large school of non- resident Boston artists. Our painters all have to go to New York to get a living." Westgate, without : " Ow ! Then I sup pose New York is the artistic centre of your country ?" A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 51 Mrs. Campbell, without : " Not at all. We have the critics here." Westgate, without : " Then you con sider criticism more essential than paint ing in an artistic centre ?" Campbell: " Sh ! He s getting sar castic. He s tuning up for you, Roberts. He s tearing off the mask of amiability. Better get out into the anteroom again, Roberts. Agnes can say you were too sick to ~^me to lunch, and we can carry it off somehow. Oh, but hello ! She s asked him to let her send for his boxes such a delightful expression ! and come and stay with you. I think you d better be suddenly called out of town. There s no other way for it !" Roberts, with a tremendous effort of moral heroism: "No; I must stay and face it out. It would be cowardly to shirk it." Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, Edward, what cour age you do have ! But what will you say to him ? Willis, cant you think of some thing for Edward to say? You know he s never good on the spur of the mo ment, and you are. Sh !" 52 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Campbell : " Sh ! Don t say anything at all, till he opens up. But keep treat ing him beautifully, and then he ll see that Roberts couldn t have meant any thing by those insulting and patronizing expressions. He ll think it s just our Yankee awkwardness and vulgarity." Mrs. Roberts, willingly accepting the suggestion : " Yes, just our Yankee awk wardness and vulgarity. I know he ll excuse it, Edward. You mustn t be alarmed. Remember how much real courage you always have !" Roberts : " I can t let him excuse it on that ground. No; I must grapple with it frankly." Campbell : " All right ! Only let him grapple first. Don t give yourself away." MKS. Roberts : " Sh ! They re coming back. Sh !" Campbell : " Sh ! Now, Roberts, brace up. Sh ! Be a man ! B an American \ And deny, everything !" A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 53 VII THE ROBERTSES; CAMPBELL; MRS. CAMPBELL with WESTGATE Westgate : " Your Monet is beautiful, Mrs. Roberts. You know, I think you Americans are so much more open-mind ed than we are, and you take up with the new things so much sooner. I don t think the impressionists are to the fore with us yet." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, but I can t allow you to say anything against England, Mr. Westgate !" Mrs. Campbell : " No, indeed ; . you would find no sympathizers in that, Mr. Westgate." Campbell : " We gamble on the moth er-country every time, here in Boston, at least, and in New York you ll feel as if you d just got back to London." Westgate : " Well, you know, I should 4 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION be rather sorry to do that. I came over to see Americans." Campbell : " Well, you re barking up the wrong tree." Westgate : " Barking up What a delightful expression ! Would you mind saying Ah, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! Very good ! I see ! You mean in stripping the bark off for the bfrch canoes, I sup pose. These figurative phrases are so vigorous. And you have so many of them. I ve heard Americans use some of them at home. Do you suppose that expression originated with your Indians, perhaps?" Campbell: "No; they originated the expression, Good Indians, dead Indians. But if you have a fancy for these expres sions, Roberts, here, can fill you up with a lot of them." Roberts : " Yes that is I do hope you can spend a few days with us before you push on to New York." Westgate : " Why, you re very good, I m sure. But that reminds me of the letter of introduc Campbell : " You stay on here, and A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 55 Roberts will paint the town red for you." Mrs. Roberts : " You must allow us to send for your boxes." Mrs. Campbell : " Your luggage yes." Westgate : " Ow, but I d so much rath er you d say baggage ! I ve had it sent to the railway Mrs. Roberts : " Station ? That doesn t the least matter." Westgate: " Ow, but it does! I d so much rather say deepo, as you do." Roberts : " We can get it perfectly well, if you ll give us your transfer Campbell : " Don t say checks, Roberts ! There must be some English word !" Westgate : " No, really ; I must go on to New York. My plans are all made. But on my return from the West I shall be most happy to remember your kind ness. I ve only ventured to trouble Mr. Roberts in regard to the mistake he seems to have made with Roberts : " I beg you won t suppose Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : "You mustn t regard it, indeed, Mr. West- gate !" 56 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION Mrs. Campbell, at the same time: "Mr. Roberts is so absent-minded !" Campbell, at the game time : " Roberts is all absence of mind !" Westgate : " Ha, ha, ha ! But you know Ah, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha ! I see ! Capital ! Oh, excellent. English word for checks ! Excellent. Ah would you be good enough to say just what you mean by painting a place red ?" Campbell : " Roberts will show you, if you ll only stay!" Westgate : " It s quite impossible, now, at all events." To Roberts : " But the let ter you kindly gave me to your uncle Roberts : " Yes yes Mrs. Roberts : " You ll like Uncle Phil ip so much ! And he ll appreciate the favor Edward s done him in sending " Mrs. Campbell, at the same time: "He s so fond of the English !" Campbell, at the same time : "And he s right on to Roberts s jokes. They re al ways at it together. Back and forth, all the time. If Roberts has put up any little job, Uncle Phil will catch on like lightning." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 57 Westgate : " Oh, what extremely de lightful expressions! I m sure I sha n t remember the half of them ! But this letter do you really think He takes it from his pocket. Roberts: " Yes yes. I m quite cer tain he ll Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : " Oh yes, indeed ! My husband was with him so much at one time! They re almost of the same age." Westgate : " Oh, indeed ! I fancied an old gentleman ! Then you think that he ll understand Mrs. Campbell : " Uncle Philip under stands Mr. Roberts and all his ways per fectly. They have such fun when they re together." Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : " It doesn t matter what Edward has written, he ll take it just in the right way." Campbell, at the same time : " Yes, he ll know it s some kind of a joke." Westgate : " Well, you know, I thought perhaps, myself, it was one of your pieces of American humor." Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, it was, Mr. West- 7 58 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION gate, I assure you it was ! Just one of our pieces of American humor " Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, indeed ; you can depend upon that, Mr. Westgate !" Westgate : " Ah well ! If it had been Mr. Campbell, here, I should have felt sure of it. But I couldn t be quite so certain that Mr. Roberts Campbell : " Oh, when it comes to jok ing, Americans are all alike. Roberts is a little more alike than the rest of us ; that s all. So s Uncle Philip, for that matter. He d take it right even if Rob erts hadn t written anything at all." Westgate : " But that s just what Mr. Roberts has done !" All the others : " What !" Westgate, handing the envelope to Roberts, who finds it empty, and passes it to his wife, who in turn hands it silent ly to Mrs. Campbell : " Of course I wished to read the kind things you d said of me, as soon as possible, and I was greatly surprised to find no letter in this en velope. I wasn t sure whether you in tended me simply to present the enve lope to your uncle, or whether At all A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 59 events, I decided I d better come and ask." Campbell, who has possessed himself of the envelope : " Why, look here, Rob erts ! You put both letters in that sealed envelope I kept Mr. Westgate from post ing in the fire-alarm box." Roberts : " Why, so I must ! Really, Mr. Westgate, I don t know what to say!" Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, Edward, I don t know what you will say !" Campbell : " Roberts, you re incorrigi ble ! When will you give up this habit of practical joking? Really, old fellow, you ought to stop it. You and Uncle Phil have kept it up long enough. And /think you owe Mr. Westgate an apolo gy. The joke s on Uncle Phil, of course ; but you ought to see that it s rather em barrassing to Mr. Westgate to find him self the bearer of an empty envelope in stead of a letter of introduction. Come, now, you must explain ; and we ll all apologize for you." Roberts waits with a foolish face of deprecation, turning to horror, at the suggestion of an explana- 60 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION tion. " Come ! You owe it to yourself, as a joker." Westgate, amiably : " Ow, now ! Not at all. No apologies. I shouldn t be able to forgive myself if I couldn t allow a man his joke. But I shotdd like an explanation, you know. Your humor is so very different to ours, and I don t be lieve any one at home, if I said you had given me an empty envelope to carry to your uncle, could feel the spirit of it. And these things are so tiresome, you know, when they happen to fall flat, hope you won t think me importunate if I say I should like to know just where the laugh comes in on a thing of that kind?" Campbell : " Out with it, Roberts !" Mrs. Roberts : " Don t you think Oh, I m sure you ll spoil it, Edward !" Mrs. Campbell : " Don t you think you d better leave it to Uncle Philip ?" Campbell : " Well, that s an inspiration, Amy. Leave it to Uncle Phil, Roberts !" Roberts, with a deep sigh of relief : " Yes, that will be best. My Uncle Phil ip will tell you, if you don t mind." A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 6l Bella, at the door : " Lunch is served, Mrs. Roberts." Mrs. Roberts, gayly : " I m going to lead the way, with Mr. Westgate. Edward, bring Amy. And, Willis, you can Campbell : " Oh, come, now ! None of your little unconscious jokes, Agnes ! I won t stand it from my own sister." Westgate : " Ow ! Do the American ladies often make jokes without knowing it, Mrs. Roberts ?" To Campbell : " But what is just the point of Ow, I see ! Very good ! Ha, ha, ha ! And shall we have some distinctively American dishes, Mrs. Roberts? You know I m so very, very curious about your chowder, and doughnuts, and maple syrup, and buck wheat cakes, and corn-dodgers, and hoe- downs. Such delightful names. They really make one s mouth water." He goes out with Mrs. Roberts. Campbell, lingering, and detaining his wife and Roberts : " Roberts, can t you dance a hoe-cake for him ? You ought to do it on your knees, you miserable sinner!" THE END /s THt r rttt ) UNIVERSITY OP CALIFORNIA LIBRARY THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW OCT 4 1916 JAN .19 1931 E jr-