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UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 MRS. MARY WOLFSOHN 
 
 IN MEMORY OF 
 
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 HENRY WOLFSOHN 
 
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A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
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 BY 
 
 W. D. HOWELLS 
 
 ILLUSTRATED : \ 
 
 NEW YORK 
 
 HARPER AND BROTHERS 
 1892 
 

 Copyright, 1892, by W. D. HOWELLS. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
ILLUS FRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 "Everything- depends upon wn kind of humor 
 
 ne s in-" Frontispiece 
 
 "There he is!" . 31 
 
 " I always heard the American lac iivj were so amiable." . 37 
 " That was a very droll expression of Mr. Campbell s about 
 
 a goat." ..... 45 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 FARCE 
 
 I 
 MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS 
 
 TV/T RS. ROBERTS, looking in upon her 
 *" husband from the door of the li 
 brary in their apartment at Hotel Belt- 
 mgham : "Well, you ve got rid of him, 
 Edward." 
 
 Roberts : " Yes, at last, thank Heaven !" 
 He continues writing at his table, with 
 out looking up, as he answers his wife. 
 " But I thought he never would go, at 
 one time. He isn t a bad kind of fellow, 
 for an Englishman, and if I hadn t been 
 so busy with this paper, I shouldn t have 
 minded his staying. Of course he was 
 nationally English, but personally he was 
 rather nice. Still it was a terrible inter 
 ruption, just at this moment." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Why didn t you hint 
 to him, somehow, to go away?" 
 
 Roberts : " Well, I couldn t do that, 
 you know. I really liked him. He was 
 so very amiable." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, his being amiable 
 is no excuse. You re amiable yourself, 
 Edward too amiable, if anything. I 
 don t call it amiable to take up almost a 
 full hour of your precious time. I should 
 think any one who came in and saw how 
 busy you were, now, would go away if he 
 had a heart of stone. No, I can t believe 
 he was truly amiable ; and I must really 
 do something to protect you from these 
 constant interruptions. How do you 
 think I d better do it?" 
 
 Roberts, writing: "Do what?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, sinking into a chair, and 
 folding her hands in her lap : " Protect 
 you from these interruptions." 
 
 Roberts, writing : " Protect who ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You, Edward. My 
 heart bleeds for you, to see you so driven 
 with your work, and then people coming 
 in and sitting down, and talking to you. 
 I must stop it." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 9 
 
 Roberts, wViting : " Oh yes. Stop 
 what ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " These perfectly killing 
 interruptions. I should think you would 
 go crazy." 
 
 Roberts, writing : " Who ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Why you, you poor 
 thing. I think it s worse than cruelty to 
 animals." 
 
 Roberts, writing : " Worse than cruelty 
 to animals. Worse Why, what non 
 sense is this you ve made me write, Ag 
 nes?" He looks up at her in a daze. 
 " What do you want, Agnes ? And do 
 state it succinctly, my dear !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Why, I didn t know 
 but you d asked him to stay to lunch." 
 
 Roberts, writing again : " No ; I didn t 
 really feel that I could give the time. I 
 should have liked to do so, and I suppose 
 it was rather shabby not to. It was the 
 least he could have expected." He con 
 tinues writing. " But I ve done the next 
 best thing. I ve given him a letter of 
 introduction to Uncle Philip, and he will 
 glut him with all kinds of hospitality 
 when he gets to New York." 
 
10 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Yes." After a mo 
 ment. " Do you think it was quite right, 
 Edward ?" 
 
 Roberts, looking up : " Right ? What 
 right?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " To put him off on your 
 uncle, if you didn t like him yourself?" 
 
 Roberts : " But I did like him. I liked 
 him as well as it s possible to like any 
 Englishman on short notice. You have 
 to know an Englishman several days be 
 fore you re sure you like him ; but this 
 one was really very pleasant, and I told 
 Uncle Philip he would probably find him 
 ,so, unless I was greatly deceived. But 
 now, Agnes, you must really let me go 
 on " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Surely, Edward, you 
 didn t put that into a letter of introduc 
 tion ?" 
 
 Roberts, laughing : " That I would 
 have to leave open for him to read ? 
 Well, I m not quite so bad as that, Ag 
 nes. I wrote a letter to Uncle Philip, to 
 go through the post, and I told him that 
 as soon as he got through the crust of a 
 rather insular manner, and a most un- 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION II 
 
 accountable enthusiasm for Americans, 
 I d no doubt he d find my Englishman 
 charming. You couldn t suppose I d put 
 all that in a letter of introduction ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Of course not. But 
 you know you are so absent-minded, my 
 dear, and I couldn t help being a little 
 afraid " 
 
 Roberts : " Your fears come too late, 
 my dear. The Englishman is gone, and 
 both the letters with him. Now you 
 must let me finish this 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, rising to her feet in 
 amazement . " Both the letters with him ?" 
 
 Roberts : " Yes ; I knew he would pass 
 the letter-box on the corner, and I asked 
 him to drop Uncle Philip s letter in it." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Wasn t that rather pe 
 culiar, Edward ?" 
 
 Roberts, with vexation: "Peculiar? 
 No ! What was peculiar about it ?" 
 
 The Voices, in the anteroom, without, 
 of Mr. and Mrs. Willis Campbell : 
 
 He : " In the library ? Well, we ll just 
 push right in on them;" 
 
 She : " And Mrs. Roberts is there too ?" 
 
 Roberts : " Oh, good heavens ! Go 
 
 2 
 
 "< 
 
12 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 out, Agnes, and stop them ! Take them 
 into the parlor a moment, do, till I get 
 this" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You know I can t do 
 that, Edward !" To Mrs. Campbell, at 
 the door: "Ah! Come in, Amy! I m 
 so glad to see you." The ladies kiss, and 
 Campbell follows his wife in. 
 
 II 
 
 MR. AND MRS. CAMPBELL; THE ROB 
 ERTS ES 
 
 Campbell: "And so is Roberts; but he 
 doesn t look it. Hope I don t interrupt 
 you, Roberts, as people say when they 
 know they do." 
 
 Roberts, who has pushed away his 
 writing, and risen to greet the intruders 
 with forced gayety : " How do you do, 
 Amy? No; I was just getting to the 
 end of my morning s work, Willis." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, it ll do you good to 
 break off before you reach the very tip, 
 then. Keep you from having that tired 
 feeling, you know. What you need is a 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 13 
 
 little dynamite to blast you out of your 
 chair, here, every morning at half past 
 twelve. If you keep on writing close up 
 to lunch, you ll spoil your digestion." 
 
 Roberts : " Well, I sha n t this morn 
 ing. I ve had an Englishman here for 
 the last hour, and I feel as if I could di 
 gest almost anything." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Why, it must have 
 been your Englishman, then, whom we 
 met at the corner, as we came here! 
 There, Willis ! I told you it was an Eng 
 lishman !" 
 
 Campbell : " I couldn t believe it : he 
 was so confoundedly agreeable, and he 
 had so much of that English brogue, 
 when he spoke, that I thought he must 
 be a New Yorker." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Why, how came he to 
 talk with you ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, he was hanging 
 round a telegraph pole, trying to post a 
 letter in the fire-alarm box. He said he d 
 been asked to post it by a gentleman who 
 had told him there was a letter-box at the 
 first corner, and the fire-alarm looked 
 like it. I had to take him by the elbow, 
 
1^ A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 and steer him across the street to the 
 green box on the lamp post. He didn t 
 seem to like the way it opened its mouth 
 at the top like a dying frog, but he risked 
 his letter in it, anyway." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " There, Edward !" 
 
 Campbell : " Hello ! Where does Rob 
 erts come in ?" Mrs. Roberts maintains 
 a reproachful silence, and Campbell turns 
 to Roberts : " Look here, Roberts, what 
 have you been doing ? It wasn t you who 
 gave that poor young Englishman that 
 letter to post ?" 
 
 Roberts, trying to put a bold face upon 
 it : " Nonsense ! Certainly I did. I had 
 given him a letter of introduction to 
 Uncle Philip he thinks he may go on 
 to New York to-night, by the boat and 
 I asked him to post the letter I wrote 
 to advise Uncle Philip of his coming. 
 That s all." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Of course it was all 
 right. But it seemed a little odd when 
 Edward first told me." 
 
 Campbell : " Did you make your uncle 
 the usual little confidences about the in- 
 troducee, in your letter of advice ?" 
 
, A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 15 
 
 Roberts : " I told him I knew he would 
 like him after he had got through his 
 insular manner." 
 
 Campbell : "And then you got him to 
 post the letter ! Well, it was something 
 like seething the kid in its mother s milk, 
 "Agnes." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " What a disgusting 
 idea! Mr. Roberts, don t mind him! He 
 isn t worth it. His one idea is to tease." 
 
 Roberts : " I see what you mean, Camp 
 bell. But of course he couldn t know 
 what was in it, and it seemed very simple 
 and natural to get him to drop it in the 
 box." 
 
 Campbell : " It was simple, and it was 
 very natural. A less absent-minded man s 
 wife might have told him it wasn t exact 
 ly delicate, even if the fellow couldn t 
 have known what was in it." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : "And \\\you it would 
 have been indelicate ; but with Mr. Rob 
 erts it s a very different thing." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh yes ; I know ! Ab 
 sent-mindedness. Well, Roberts, you ll 
 get yourself into an awful mess with your 
 absent-mindedness some day. How do 
 
: 16 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 you know he didn t know what was in 
 the letter to your uncle ?" 
 
 Roberts, with some scorn : " Why, sim 
 ply because I sealed it before I gave it to 
 him." 
 
 Campbell : "And did you seal the let 
 ter of introduction ?" 
 
 Roberts : " Of course not !" 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, you didn t ! Then 
 how do you know that you didn t seal 
 up the letter of introduction, and give 
 him the letter of advice to carry with 
 him ?" 
 
 Roberts : " Because I know I didn t." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh, that s no reason! Now< 
 be careful. Would you swear you didn t ? 
 Suppose you were on the witness stand !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " No, don t suppose it, 
 Mr. Roberts. Don t suppose anything 
 of the kind." 
 
 Campbell, without regarding her: "This* 
 sort of thing is done every day. People 
 are always getting letters mixed, and 
 shuffling them into the wrong envelopes. 
 Amy did something of the kind herself 
 down at the Shore, last summer and 
 nearly broke off the engagement between 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 1J 
 
 young Welling and Miss Green way. And 
 if she hadn t been the most sensible kind 
 o* a girl, Amy would have done it, too. 
 And as it was, I had to do some of the 
 tallest lying this side of the Pacific slope. 
 Perfect sequoias made our place, down 
 there, look like the Yosemite Park, when 
 those fables began to tower up." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, faltering : " It s true, 
 Agnes. I told you about it, you remem 
 ber." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, I know. But that 
 doesn t prove that Edward 
 Campbell: "Oh, doesn t it! If Amy, 
 who has her few wits always about her, 
 could do such a thing, it stands to reason 
 that Roberts, whose multitudinous mind 
 is always off somewhere else when it s 
 wanted, would do it nine times out of ten. 
 Think how absent-minded he is ! Re 
 member how he got aboard the sleeping- 
 car that night, and went prying round in 
 all the berths to find you ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Don t be offensive, 
 Willis !" 
 
 Campbell : " I m simply veracious ! 
 And then think how he left his watch 
 
1 8 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 > 
 
 in his room, and thought poor old Bemis 
 was a garroter that had taken it from 
 him, and ran after him on the Common, 
 and grabbed Bemis s watch from him, 
 and nearly killed him. And then his 
 going to meet a cook that he d never 
 seen at the Albany depot, and getting into 
 that scrape with Mrs. Mcllheny." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "That was my fault, 
 Willis. I sent him ; and I ought to have 
 remembered that he d never seen the 
 cook." 
 
 Campbell: "Oh! And what ought 
 Roberts to have remembered ? I tell you, 
 he s put that Englishman s letter of in 
 troduction into the sealed envelops, and 
 the letter of advice into the open one, 
 beyond the shadow of a doubt." 
 
 Roberts, with rising alarm : " Oh, 
 pshaw ! You know you don t think so, 
 Willis." 
 
 Campbell: "Think so? I know it! 
 Where was he sitting ?" 
 
 Roberts : " Where you are now." 
 
 Campbell : " In this chair ? When you 
 wrote the letters, which did you finish 
 first?" 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION IQ 
 
 Roberts : " The letter of introduction, 
 I think." 
 
 Campbell : " You think ! He can t even 
 remember that ! Well, can you remem 
 ber which you gave him first ?" 
 Roberts : " No, I can t ; but it must 
 have been the letter of introduc 
 
 Campbell : " Did you put both letters 
 injtheir envelopes before you gave them 
 to him, or did you hand him first one and 
 then the other ?" 
 
 Roberts : "I m sure I can t~say ! But 
 my impression is 
 
 Campbell, waving his conjecture scorn 
 fully aside : " Agnes, you see how thor 
 oughly mixed up he is." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, and you ve mix 
 ed him up. I declare " 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, Willis." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, very well, then ! If 
 I ve mixed him up, I ll let him unmix 
 himself. Then he can t complain. If 
 he didn t blunder with the letters, I sup 
 pose my merely asking him won t create 
 the fact. I didn t make him do it." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " And he didn t do it." 
 
 Campbell : " He ought to know." 
 
20 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " And you do know, \ 
 don t you, Edward ?" 
 
 Roberts i " Why, of course. But any- 
 thing s possible. And now that Willis 
 has suggested it, why, I can t take my 
 oath " 
 
 Campbell, to the ladies : ." You see !" 
 
 Roberts : " What what can I do, 
 Willis? The mere supposition of such a 
 thing 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, / don t know. Go 
 after the Englishman, I suppose, and try 
 to run him down before he reads your 
 letter of advice." He bursts into a loud, 
 unfeeling laugh, while Roberts begins to 
 walk the floor in agitation. " Can you 
 recall any of the expressions you used ? 
 Perhaps they weren t so bad." 
 
 Roberts, pausing and rubbing his fore 
 head : " I think I can. I told Uncle Phil 
 not to mind his insular manner; that he 
 was necessarily offensive as an English 
 man ; but that he seemed to have a great 
 many good qualities, and was quite 
 American in some of his feelings and 
 ideas, and had an enthusiasm for us wor 
 thy of a better cause. I said I had only 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 21 
 
 met him once, but I had no doubt he 
 would prove worthy of any kindness that 
 was shown him." 
 
 Campbell : " Patronizing and insulting 
 to the last degree ! Well, you ve done 
 it, Roberts !" 
 
 Roberts : " I know I see ! But I didn t 
 mean to be offensive. The fact is, I wrote 
 very hastily ; I wanted to get rid of 
 him ; my mind was half on my article, 
 here " 
 
 Campbell: "And it was in the sarnie 
 divided condition when you put the let 
 ters into their envelopes ! What could 
 you expect ?" 
 
 Roberts: " Look here, Willis! Couldn t 
 you 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, no ! This isn t a thing 
 that /can interfere in. If it were a case 
 for ground-and-lofty lying, you might call 
 me in ; but where it s principally tact 
 that s needed, I d better leave it to you, 
 my dear fellow." He claps Roberts on 
 the shoulder, and breaks down in anoth 
 er laugh. 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Now look here, Wil 
 lis ! This is perfectly outrageous. You 
 
22 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 haven t the slightest proof in the world 
 that Mr. Roberts has mixed the letters, 
 and it s just your wicked teasing that 
 makes you say he has. If you have any 
 feeling at all, you will stop. / think it s 
 gone beyond a joke." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " And I dp, too, Amy. 
 Of course I think .Edwarcfwas wrong to 
 send the man to his uncle just to get rid 
 of him ; but that s no reason Willis should 
 torment him so." 
 
 Roberts : " No, no ! There s only too 
 great reason to suppose he s right. Good 
 heavens ! What shall I do about it ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, if I might venture 
 a little suggestion without being de 
 nounced as a heartless reprobate " 
 
 Roberts : " I haven t denounced you, 
 Willis !" 
 
 Campbell : " My wife and sister have 
 in your interest, and just when I had 
 thought how to help you out." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, how, Willis ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Tell it, instantly, Wil 
 lis T 
 
 Campbell : You d better look him up 
 at his hotel, and pretend you thought you 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 23 
 
 gave the wrong address on the letter to 
 your uncle." 
 
 Roberts : " That s all very well, but I 
 don t know where he s stopping." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, that does rather cut 
 the ground from under us." A ring at 
 the door is heard. " Ah-, there he is now, 
 coming back to have it out with Roberts. 
 He s read that letter of advice, and he 
 wants to know what it means. We must 
 go, Roberts. I m sorry to leave you in 
 this fix, but " 
 
 III 
 
 BELLA; THE CAMPBELLS; THE ROB- 
 ERTSES 
 
 Bella, the maid, coming in with a card 
 for Roberts : " The elevator boy brought 
 it up. The gentleman is waiting below, 
 sir." 
 
 Roberts, glancing at the card : " Mer 
 ciful powers ! Willis is right ! It is the 
 man himself!" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, Edward, what do 
 you suppose he wants? But don t be 
 alarmed, dearest ! / don t agree with 
 
24 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Willis in his pessimistic views. I know 
 you can easily explain it." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, can he ? Well, I think 
 I ll just wait, then, and hear his explana 
 tion." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Willis ! You must 
 advise him what to do. You must in 
 vent some plan." 
 
 Campbell : " Thank you ! I don t deny 
 that I m pretty ingenious, and all that; 
 but what you want here is the invention 
 of a Thomas A. Edison. Nothing short 
 of it will ever get Roberts out of this 
 scrape." 
 
 Roberts, trying to pluck up courage : 
 " But I deny that there is any scrape. 
 The whole affair is purely hypothetical. 
 There s nothing in the world to prove 
 that I ve mixed up the letters, and I deny 
 that I did. The man has simply come 
 back because he s forgotten something, or 
 wishes to make some little inquiry, or 
 
 Campbell : " Then why don t you have 
 him up at once, instead of letting him 
 cool his heels down there in your front 
 hall? Have him up! It s uncivil to keep 
 him waiting." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 25 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " No, no." To the maid : 
 "Stop, Bella! No, Willis; we must pro 
 vide for contingencies. I think Edward 
 is perfectly right, and I know he didn t 
 mix the letters up; but oughtn t we. to 
 guard against any chances, Willis ?" 
 
 Campbell : " I should say you ought. 
 And you d better ring for a policeman to 
 do it. He s an awfully athletic-looking 
 fellow. Those Englishmen often are." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Then, Bella, you must 
 tell the boy to say that Mr. Roberts has 
 just gone out ; and that Mrs. Roberts is 
 very sorry 
 
 Roberts: "No, Agnes, that won t do, 
 my dear. I can t allow that. If I ve 
 done this thing, I must face the conse 
 quences." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, that s what I say. 
 We must provide for contingencies." 
 
 Campbell : " He may want to fight you, 
 Roberts/like Mcllheny, you know, when 
 you asked his wife whether she was a 
 cook." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Everything depends 
 upon what kind of humor he s in, of 
 course," 
 
26 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Of course. If he s 
 very boisterous, you mustn t have any 
 thing flo say to him ; but if he s pleasant, 
 or if he s merely cold, or hurt, in his 
 manner, why, I suppose you must ask him 
 to lunch. And Willis and Amy can stay, 
 and help make it go off." 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, thank you, Agnes ! 
 The Roberts family seems to have a gift 
 for patronizing offensiveness ; I don t 
 mind it myself, but if I was an English 
 man that Roberts had told to his face 
 that he was nationally detestable 
 
 Roberts : " Told to his face ?" 
 
 Campbell: "It s the same thing it 
 would take a good deal more than lunch 
 to pacify me. I should want dinner, and 
 not merely a family dinner, a snap-shot, 
 accidental thing, but a regular formal af 
 fair, with the best people asked, and the 
 chance of other invitations. The least 
 you can do, Roberts, is to send for this 
 Englishman s baggage, and make him 
 stay a fortnight with you." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I had thought of that, 
 Willis." 
 
 Campbell : " You said lunch" 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 27 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " But our flat is so 
 small, and the children are in the guest- 
 chamber " 
 
 Campbell : "And in the mean time, the 
 Englishman is waiting below in the se 
 lect society of the janitor." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, my goodness, I 
 forgot all about him !" 
 
 Roberts: "Yes. We must have him 
 up at once, and then act accordingly." 
 
 Campbell : "Oh yes ; you mustn t give 
 yourself away. If you don t happen to 
 have mixed the letters up, you don t want 
 to begin apologizing. You will have to 
 judge from his manner." 
 
 Roberts : " But he was so extremely 
 flattering, so very enthusiastic about us, 
 I m afraid we can t tell from his man 
 ner." 
 
 Campbell: "You must draw him out, 
 specifically. Did you ask him how he 
 liked America?" 
 
 Roberts : " No ; I was ashamed to ask 
 him when he told me he had just arrived 
 this morning." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, then, Amy can ask 
 him. She isn t ashamed to ask anything. 
 
28 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 And if he begins to abuse us, up hill and 
 down d^le 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " He had better not 
 abuse us ! I shouldn t allow it." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Oh yes, Amy; bear 
 anything! We must try to pacify him 
 somehow." 
 
 Campbell : " And Roberts had better 
 go out, and meet him in that anteroom 
 of yours it s as dark as a pocket and 
 make him take off his overcoat he 
 mustn t allow any refusal and then 
 kind of linger behind him a moment af 
 ter you ve received him at the door here, 
 and search his overcoat pockets. Very 
 probably he s put the letter into one of 
 them." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Do you think that 
 would be very nice, Willis?" 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I don t know: about 
 as nice as having Amy truckle to his 
 abuse of the country." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " It isn t at all the 
 same thing." 
 
 Campbell : " It s exactly the same 
 thing." A ring at the door summons 
 Bella away. " He s getting impatient. 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 2Q 
 
 Well, I shouldn t like to be kept waiting 
 so long myself." 
 
 Bella, returning : "It s the gentleman 
 below, ^na am. The boy says he d Hire 
 to know if you got his card." 
 
 Campbell : " I thought so. You must 
 let him come up, or you must send word 
 that you re not at home. You can t pro 
 long the suspense indefinitely." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " No, Agnes, you can t, 
 really!" 
 
 Roberts : " We must decide, my dear !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, desperately: "Well, then, 
 tell the janitor to send him up, Bella !" 
 As Bella goes : " And we haven t thought 
 at all how we shall act !" 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I know one thing: 
 if Roberts lets his knees knock together, 
 so as to be heard, I won t stand it. I ll 
 leave the house. It ll be too disgraceful. 
 Courage, Roberts ! I wouldn t miss seeing 
 how r you ll carry this thing off for any 
 money ! I know you re a perfect moral 
 hero on all ordinary occasions, but in a 
 predicament like this I don t envy you. 
 And the worst of it is, that if the fellow s 
 a gentleman and he looked like one, in 
 
3O A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 the English way you won t be able to 
 judge from his acts how he feels ! You ll 
 have to grope your way in the dark, and 
 There he is !" A ring is heard. " Now 
 let s all look unconcerned, as if we were 
 not expecting any one. Amy, you be 
 turning over those photographic views 
 of the White Mountains, in your pretty, 
 careless way. Agnes, you be examining 
 some object with the microscope. Here, 
 Roberts, you sit down to your writing 
 again. And I ll be tuning up the family 
 phonograph. That ll give him an idea 
 of a cultivated Boston family, at home 
 with itself, and at peace with the whole 
 human family. And we must all be ex 
 tremely deferential and complimentary 
 so s to take the bad taste of Roberts s 
 letter out of his mouth." Campbell de 
 livers these instructions in a rapid whis 
 per. As Bella opens the door to admit 
 the stranger to the anteroom, he contin 
 ues in a loud, didactic voice : " As you 
 very justly observed, in our present un 
 certainty as to whether the peculiar par 
 allel markings of the planet Mars are 
 marine canals, or merely magic-lantern 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 33 
 
 displays of the Martians to attract the 
 attention of the telescope man on Bos 
 ton Common " 
 
 Bella, announcing the Englishman at 
 the library door : " Mr. Westgate." 
 
 IV 
 
 MR. WESTGATE i THE CAMPBELLS; THE 
 ROBERTSES 
 
 Westgate, to Roberts : " Ah, I beg your 
 pardon ! It s really very ridiculous, and 
 I m quite ashamed to trouble you again, 
 Mr. Roberts. Your letter 
 
 Roberts, coming eagerly forward : " Oh, 
 I m so glad to see you again, Mr. West- 
 gate. You re just in time for lunch ; and 
 I hope you can sit down with us. Mrs. 
 Roberts, Mr. Westgate. My wife hadn t 
 the pleasure of ah meeting you before, 
 I think. Let me take your overcoat. 
 You ll find it very hot in our American 
 houses, I m afraid." 
 
 Westgate : " Oh, not at all ! I m sure I 
 shall like it. I should so like to see one 
 of your furnaces ! But I only came back 
 
 
34 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 a moment to show you a little mistake 
 if it is a mistake 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, eagerly: "I m so sorry 
 we ve only steam heat, and can t show 
 you a furnace; but you ll find it quij:e 
 hot r and you must take off your coat." 
 
 Westgate : " Why, you re very good, 
 I m sure. But only for a moment." 
 
 Roberts: "Allow me!" He possesses 
 himself of Westgate s hat and coat, and 
 rushes out into the anteroom with them. 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Let me introduce you 
 to my sister, Mrs. Campbell ; and my 
 brother, Mr. Campbell, Mr. Westgate." 
 Westgate bows to the lady, and then 
 shakes hands with Campbell. 
 
 Westgate : "Ah ! how do you do? I d 
 no idea I m very glad to meet you, I m 
 sure. I don t know what I should have 
 done with the letter Mr. Roberts intrust 
 ed to me " 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, that was nothing. I 
 saw that you were on the point of doing 
 something desperate, and I just stepped 
 in. There s nothing I like better than 
 saving human life; and as I ve often 
 tried to post my wife s letters in the fire- 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 35 
 
 alarm box, at two o clock in the morn 
 ing, and never succeeded, yet, I had a 
 fellow-feeling for you." 
 
 Westgate : " H m ! Yes ! You see your 
 post-boxes are so very different to ours " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, your London 
 post-boxes are simply delightful ! They re 
 just like posts fat ones; and they take 
 in whole packages. But I hope you 
 like America, Mr. Westgate !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, we are always so 
 glacl when your countrymen 
 Campbell : " We aim to please." 
 
 Westgate: "Well, I can t say I like 
 your post-boxes exactly." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, neither do we !" 
 
 Westgate: "And I d always heard you 
 had clear winter weather. I ve never 
 seen it more overcast at home." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " That is true. It s go 
 ing to snow, I think, I m afraid you 
 won t like our snow !" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, perhaps, we might 
 have .some with the chill off." 
 
 Westgate, regarding him fixedly for a 
 moment: "Ow! Ah! I see ! Very good! 
 Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! And ha, 
 
36 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 ha, ha ! Ah, ha, ha ! you meant, coming 
 home from the club ! I hadn t under 
 stood your American humor, at first. I 
 fancy there s no hope of any good Samar 
 itan to show you to the post-box at two 
 o clock in the morning hour ! Ah, ha, 
 ha!" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "I ve been scolding my 
 husband for troubling you with that let 
 ter, Mr. Westgate !" 
 
 Westgate : " No, really ? But I always 
 heard the American ladies were so ami 
 able, you know." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, we are, Mr. West- 
 gate ! But we have to maintain discipl ine 
 in the family, you know." 
 
 Westgate : " Of course. But " to 
 Campbell "what did you mean exactly, 
 by having snow with the chill off ? Such 
 a delightful expression." 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I don t know. Some 
 sort of joke, I suppose." 
 
 Westgate : " I was sure you did ! Ah, 
 ha, ha ! Your countrymen are so delight 
 fully humorous so funny, you know. 
 You know we think you re such fun." 
 
 Campbell : " Do you think so ? I don t 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 3Q 
 
 think we re half so funny as English 
 men." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell: "We think you re 
 twice as funny as we are, Mr. Westgate." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow, but really, now !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I don t know how 
 we should have done without your Mr. 
 Gilbert." 
 
 Westgate : " But isn t he rather exag 
 gerated ? I much prefer your Joshua 
 Billings. And your after-dinner speak 
 ers ! Mr. Depew, for instance !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " But the Prince of 
 Wales, you know." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow ! Do you regard him 
 as a humorist ? He says some neat things, 
 occasionally. But your California hu 
 mor, now : we ve nothing like that, you 
 know !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : "I m afraid you will 
 make my husband intolerably conceit 
 ed." 
 
 Westgate : " Really ? Is Mr. ah 
 Campbell a Californian ? How very de 
 lightful ! And is that peculiar dialect 
 used by your California writers spoken 
 in the cities ? I should so much like to 
 
40 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 hear it. I don t thinlrwe ever quite get 
 the right accent in reading it." 
 
 Campbell : "You d hear it everywhere 
 in California. I m a little out of prac 
 tice now, myself ; I speak Bostonese, at 
 present ; but I recollect very well how 
 the ladies in San Francisco used to say, 
 Well, I got the dead wood onto you, 
 that time, and How re you makin it, 
 pard? and You bet, and You git! 
 You mean that sort of thing?" 
 
 Westgate : " Exactly. How delightful ! 
 So very picturesque, you know. So im 
 aginative !" 
 
 Campbell: "Yes, I suppose there s 
 more imagination to the acre in Califor 
 nia than you ll find anywhere else in the 
 United States." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " And more modesty, 
 Mr. Westgate ; more unconscious mer 
 it." 
 
 Campbell: "Well, I shouldn t like to 
 boast before a foreigner. There s Chi 
 cago. And for a real, unadulterated dif 
 fidence, a shrinking, deprecatory little 
 misgiving as to the existence of the out 
 side universe, I think Mr. Westgate will 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 41 
 
 v j 
 
 find that Boston takes the cake. In Cal 
 ifornia people don t know they re rnodest, 
 but in Boston they do. That s the dif 
 ference." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I hope Mr. Westgate 
 will stay with us long enough to find out 
 that everything you say is a wicked slan 
 der, Willis. Why must you rush off to 
 New York at once, Mr. Westgate ?" 
 
 Westgate: "You re very good, I m 
 sure. But I m afraid Ha, ha, ha ! 
 Ha, ha, ha!" To Campbell : " That was 
 a very amusing expression of yours! 
 Imagination to the acre ! As if it were 
 some kind of crop! Very good! Capital! 
 Ah, ha, ha ! And would you, a be kind 
 enough to explain that expression, take 
 the cake?" 
 
 Campbell: "Oh, it comes from the 
 cake walk, you know." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow !" 
 
 Campbell : " Yes. Where the darkies 
 try to see which can put on the most 
 style in a kind of walk-round, and there s 
 a cake up for a prize, and the greatest 
 swell takes it." 
 
 Westgate : " How very amusing !" 
 
42 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Campbell " Amusing? It s more fun 
 than a goat !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Willis !" 
 
 Westgate: Oh, but really! Dont 
 stop him ! It s quite what I came to 
 America for those delightful expres 
 sions! I don t know why you re all so 
 shy of using them when you come over ! 
 We get them in print, but we seldom 
 hear them." 
 
 Campbell "You should go to a ladies 
 lunch here! You wouldn t hear any 
 thing else." 
 
 Westgate : "Ow ! And just what is a 
 ladies lunch?" 
 
 Campbell : " It s the social entertain 
 ment of the future. The race is running 
 to girls so, in Massachusetts, that they ve 
 got to having these lunches without ask 
 ing men, so as to see how it will feel when 
 there are no men to ask, Often it s mere 
 ly a hen feed, where they would like to 
 have men if they could get them ; just 
 as a stag dinner is a good time that wom 
 en would like to come to if they could. 
 Sometimes it s a virtue, sometimes it s a 
 necessity. But it s always a joke." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 43 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "You mustn t believe 
 him, Mr. Westgate. He s never been at 
 a ladies lunch, and he doesn t know how 
 charming they are." 
 
 Westgate : " Yes, I understand gentle 
 men are not asked. But ah, ha, ha! 
 Ha, ha, ha ! that was a very droll expres 
 sion of Mr. Campbell s about a goat. 
 More more amusing than a goat, I think 
 it was. Will you ladies kindly tell me 
 why a goat should be considered so very 
 amusing? You see I m beginning to be 
 afraid I can t trust Mr. Campbell." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I m afraid you must, 
 in this case. I m sure we don t know why 
 a goat should be more entertaining than 
 any other animal." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow ! Then you re not all 
 humorists, over here ? We get that idea, 
 you know. We think you re suchjo&ers. 
 But really, you know, I think that some 
 people who do that kind of thing, you 
 know, and have Americans a great deal, 
 don t see the point of their jokes at all 
 times ; or not at once. Your humor is so 
 different to ours, you know. I ve often 
 had the meaning of an American joke 
 
44 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 occur to me some time after, you know, 
 when I ve had leisure to think it out. 
 Still, it is very amusing." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " But we think the 
 English humor so refined so- high 
 bred." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : "Oh yes! Your jokes 
 bear the stamp of such an old civiliza 
 tion, my husband says." 
 
 Campbell : " So polished with Use." 
 
 Westgate : " Ah, well ! I don t know 
 about that, you know. There may be 
 something in it. But I m inclined to 
 think Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Very good ! Ex 
 cellent ! I didn t catch your meaning, at 
 first. Used so often.! I see ! Ha, ha, ha ! 
 You ought to come over to us, Mr. Camp 
 bell. We ve a great many charming 
 Americans ; but most of them are quite 
 like ourselves." 
 
 Campbell : " Is it so bad as that ?" 
 
 Westgate : " Yes ; it s really quite vex 
 ing, you know. So very tiresome." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " I hope Mr. Westgate 
 will stay with us long enough to see that 
 we ve something besides humor in Bos 
 ton, at least. You must let us send to 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 4.7 
 
 the hotel for your trunk boxes, I should 
 say." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow no ! Ow no ! I much 
 prefer trunk! 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " And we prefer boxes" 
 
 Westgate : " N(5, really ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You must be our guest 
 long enough at least to see something 
 of Boston. Mr. Roberts will take you 
 to the Art Club Exhibition." 
 
 Westgate : " You re really very good 1 
 But I d really no idea I only came back 
 a moment on atcount of a little mistake 
 I think Mr. Roberts made in the let 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, hastily : " We think Bos 
 ton is quite an art centre, now. Amy, I 
 want Mr. Westgate to see the little Monet 
 in the p drawing-room." 
 
 Westgate : " Oh, do say parlor ! I think 
 it s so much nicer. And without the u, 
 please. " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " I see you re deter 
 mined to be pleased with everything 
 American, Mr. Westgate, and I m sure 
 you ll like this Monet." 
 
 Westgate : " But I beg your pardon ! 
 Isn t he French ?" 
 
48 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Campbell : " All the American pictures 
 we buy are by Frenchmen." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " But we much prefer 
 English pictures, Mr. Westgate. You 
 have so much more technique than the 
 French, so much more school. I adore 
 Tadema, myself." 
 
 Westgate: "But yes ah I think 
 he s Dutch, though ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Well, as Mr. Camp 
 bell was saying, our paintings are all by 
 Frenchmen all that we buy. If you 
 will come with me, Mr. Westgate " 
 
 V 
 
 MRS. ROBERTS; CAMPBELL 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " What in the world has 
 happened to Edward ?" 
 
 Campbell : " He can t have been search 
 ing the man s coat-pockets all this time. 
 Perhaps he s cut open the lining. Or 
 he s found the wrong letter, and has gone 
 off and hid somewhere." Roberts shows 
 himself at the door. " No ; there he is 
 now. I didn t know but he d committed 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 49 
 
 suicide. Well, Roberts ! Come in, old 
 fellow ! The coast is clear, for the mo 
 ment !" Roberts advances spectrally into 
 the room. " What s the matter ?" 
 
 VI 
 
 ROBERTS; MRS. ROBERTS ; CAMPBELL 
 
 They all speak throughout the scene in hoarse 
 whispers, and from time to time the voices 
 of Mrs. Campbell and Mr. Westgate pene 
 trate to them from the drawing-room. 
 
 Roberts : " Is he gone ?" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Sh ! No. He s in the 
 parlor, with Amy. She s showing him 
 the pictures. He couldn t go without 
 his hat and overcoat, you know." 
 
 Roberts : " Yes. I didn t think of 
 that." 
 
 Campbell : " Sh ! Have you been 
 through his clothes ? Sh !" 
 
 Roberts : " No ; I hadn t the cour 
 age." 
 
 Campbell : " Sh ! Then where have 
 you been ? Sh !" 
 
 6 
 
50 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Roberts : " Sitting out there in the 
 anteroom." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, poor Edward ! 
 Sh ! Did you listen ? He still seems 
 very amiable. Sh ! I don t think he s 
 angry about anything. I don t believe 
 you ve made any serious mistake." 
 
 Campbell: "Unless he s sh ! dis 
 sembling. They re awfully double-faced 
 fellows, Englishmen are. Sh ! I think 
 he s dissembling. Sh !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Sh ! Nonsense, Wil 
 lis ! He says you made some mistake 
 with the letter ; but 
 
 Campbell : " Sh ! Of course you mixed 
 them ! He s just lying low. You d bet 
 ter keep out of his way, Roberts. Sh !" 
 
 Westgate, without : " Then I suppose 
 you ve quite a large school of resident 
 artists in Boston ?" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, without : " Well, no. 
 But we ve a very large school of non- 
 resident Boston artists. Our painters all 
 have to go to New York to get a living." 
 
 Westgate, without : " Ow ! Then I sup 
 pose New York is the artistic centre of 
 your country ?" 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 51 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, without : " Not at all. 
 We have the critics here." 
 
 Westgate, without : " Then you con 
 sider criticism more essential than paint 
 ing in an artistic centre ?" 
 
 Campbell: " Sh ! He s getting sar 
 castic. He s tuning up for you, Roberts. 
 He s tearing off the mask of amiability. 
 Better get out into the anteroom again, 
 Roberts. Agnes can say you were too 
 sick to ~^me to lunch, and we can carry 
 it off somehow. Oh, but hello ! She s 
 asked him to let her send for his boxes 
 such a delightful expression ! and come 
 and stay with you. I think you d better 
 be suddenly called out of town. There s 
 no other way for it !" 
 
 Roberts, with a tremendous effort of 
 moral heroism: "No; I must stay and 
 face it out. It would be cowardly to 
 shirk it." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, Edward, what cour 
 age you do have ! But what will you say 
 to him ? Willis, cant you think of some 
 thing for Edward to say? You know 
 he s never good on the spur of the mo 
 ment, and you are. Sh !" 
 
52 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Campbell : " Sh ! Don t say anything 
 at all, till he opens up. But keep treat 
 ing him beautifully, and then he ll see 
 that Roberts couldn t have meant any 
 thing by those insulting and patronizing 
 expressions. He ll think it s just our 
 Yankee awkwardness and vulgarity." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, willingly accepting the 
 suggestion : " Yes, just our Yankee awk 
 wardness and vulgarity. I know he ll 
 excuse it, Edward. You mustn t be 
 alarmed. Remember how much real 
 courage you always have !" 
 
 Roberts : " I can t let him excuse it on 
 that ground. No; I must grapple with 
 it frankly." 
 
 Campbell : " All right ! Only let him 
 grapple first. Don t give yourself away." 
 
 MKS. Roberts : " Sh ! They re coming 
 back. Sh !" 
 
 Campbell : " Sh ! Now, Roberts, brace 
 up. Sh ! Be a man ! B an American \ 
 And deny, everything !" 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 53 
 
 
 VII 
 
 THE ROBERTSES; CAMPBELL; MRS. 
 CAMPBELL with WESTGATE 
 
 Westgate : " Your Monet is beautiful, 
 Mrs. Roberts. You know, I think you 
 Americans are so much more open-mind 
 ed than we are, and you take up with 
 the new things so much sooner. I don t 
 think the impressionists are to the fore 
 with us yet." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, but I can t allow 
 you to say anything against England, 
 Mr. Westgate !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " No, indeed ; . you 
 would find no sympathizers in that, Mr. 
 Westgate." 
 
 Campbell : " We gamble on the moth 
 er-country every time, here in Boston, at 
 least, and in New York you ll feel as if 
 you d just got back to London." 
 
 Westgate : " Well, you know, I should 
 
4 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 be rather sorry to do that. I came over 
 to see Americans." 
 
 Campbell : " Well, you re barking up 
 the wrong tree." 
 
 Westgate : " Barking up What a 
 delightful expression ! Would you mind 
 saying Ah, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha ! Very 
 good ! I see ! You mean in stripping 
 the bark off for the bfrch canoes, I sup 
 pose. These figurative phrases are so 
 vigorous. And you have so many of 
 them. I ve heard Americans use some 
 of them at home. Do you suppose that 
 expression originated with your Indians, 
 perhaps?" 
 
 Campbell: "No; they originated the 
 expression, Good Indians, dead Indians. 
 But if you have a fancy for these expres 
 sions, Roberts, here, can fill you up with 
 a lot of them." 
 
 Roberts : " Yes that is I do hope 
 you can spend a few days with us before 
 you push on to New York." 
 
 Westgate : " Why, you re very good, 
 I m sure. But that reminds me of the 
 letter of introduc 
 
 Campbell : " You stay on here, and 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 55 
 
 Roberts will paint the town red for 
 you." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You must allow us to 
 send for your boxes." 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Your luggage yes." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow, but I d so much rath 
 er you d say baggage ! I ve had it sent 
 to the railway 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Station ? That doesn t 
 the least matter." 
 
 Westgate: " Ow, but it does! I d so 
 much rather say deepo, as you do." 
 
 Roberts : " We can get it perfectly well, 
 if you ll give us your transfer 
 
 Campbell : " Don t say checks, Roberts ! 
 There must be some English word !" 
 
 Westgate : " No, really ; I must go on 
 to New York. My plans are all made. 
 But on my return from the West I shall 
 be most happy to remember your kind 
 ness. I ve only ventured to trouble Mr. 
 Roberts in regard to the mistake he 
 seems to have made with 
 
 Roberts : " I beg you won t suppose 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : "You 
 mustn t regard it, indeed, Mr. West- 
 gate !" 
 
56 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, at the same time: "Mr. 
 Roberts is so absent-minded !" 
 
 Campbell, at the game time : " Roberts 
 is all absence of mind !" 
 
 Westgate : " Ha, ha, ha ! But you 
 know Ah, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha ! I 
 see ! Capital ! Oh, excellent. English 
 word for checks ! Excellent. Ah 
 would you be good enough to say just 
 what you mean by painting a place red ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Roberts will show you, if 
 you ll only stay!" 
 
 Westgate : " It s quite impossible, now, 
 at all events." To Roberts : " But the let 
 ter you kindly gave me to your uncle 
 
 Roberts : " Yes yes 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " You ll like Uncle Phil 
 ip so much ! And he ll appreciate the 
 favor Edward s done him in sending " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell, at the same time: "He s 
 so fond of the English !" 
 
 Campbell, at the same time : "And he s 
 right on to Roberts s jokes. They re al 
 ways at it together. Back and forth, all 
 the time. If Roberts has put up any 
 little job, Uncle Phil will catch on like 
 lightning." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 57 
 
 Westgate : " Oh, what extremely de 
 lightful expressions! I m sure I sha n t 
 remember the half of them ! But this 
 letter do you really think He takes 
 it from his pocket. 
 
 Roberts: " Yes yes. I m quite cer 
 tain he ll 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : " Oh 
 yes, indeed ! My husband was with him 
 so much at one time! They re almost 
 of the same age." 
 
 Westgate : " Oh, indeed ! I fancied an 
 old gentleman ! Then you think that 
 he ll understand 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Uncle Philip under 
 stands Mr. Roberts and all his ways per 
 fectly. They have such fun when they re 
 together." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, at the same time : " It 
 doesn t matter what Edward has written, 
 he ll take it just in the right way." 
 
 Campbell, at the same time : " Yes, 
 he ll know it s some kind of a joke." 
 
 Westgate : " Well, you know, I thought 
 perhaps, myself, it was one of your pieces 
 of American humor." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, it was, Mr. West- 
 
 7 
 
58 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 gate, I assure you it was ! Just one of 
 our pieces of American humor " 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, indeed ; you can 
 depend upon that, Mr. Westgate !" 
 
 Westgate : " Ah well ! If it had been 
 Mr. Campbell, here, I should have felt 
 sure of it. But I couldn t be quite so 
 certain that Mr. Roberts 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, when it comes to jok 
 ing, Americans are all alike. Roberts is 
 a little more alike than the rest of us ; 
 that s all. So s Uncle Philip, for that 
 matter. He d take it right even if Rob 
 erts hadn t written anything at all." 
 
 Westgate : " But that s just what Mr. 
 Roberts has done !" 
 
 All the others : " What !" 
 
 Westgate, handing the envelope to 
 Roberts, who finds it empty, and passes 
 it to his wife, who in turn hands it silent 
 ly to Mrs. Campbell : " Of course I wished 
 to read the kind things you d said of me, 
 as soon as possible, and I was greatly 
 surprised to find no letter in this en 
 velope. I wasn t sure whether you in 
 tended me simply to present the enve 
 lope to your uncle, or whether At all 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 59 
 
 events, I decided I d better come and 
 ask." 
 
 Campbell, who has possessed himself 
 of the envelope : " Why, look here, Rob 
 erts ! You put both letters in that sealed 
 envelope I kept Mr. Westgate from post 
 ing in the fire-alarm box." 
 
 Roberts : " Why, so I must ! Really, 
 Mr. Westgate, I don t know what to 
 say!" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Yes, Edward, I don t 
 know what you will say !" 
 
 Campbell : " Roberts, you re incorrigi 
 ble ! When will you give up this habit 
 of practical joking? Really, old fellow, 
 you ought to stop it. You and Uncle 
 Phil have kept it up long enough. And 
 /think you owe Mr. Westgate an apolo 
 gy. The joke s on Uncle Phil, of course ; 
 but you ought to see that it s rather em 
 barrassing to Mr. Westgate to find him 
 self the bearer of an empty envelope in 
 stead of a letter of introduction. Come, 
 now, you must explain ; and we ll all 
 apologize for you." Roberts waits with 
 a foolish face of deprecation, turning to 
 horror, at the suggestion of an explana- 
 
60 A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 
 
 tion. " Come ! You owe it to yourself, 
 as a joker." 
 
 Westgate, amiably : " Ow, now ! Not 
 at all. No apologies. I shouldn t be 
 able to forgive myself if I couldn t allow 
 a man his joke. But I shotdd like an 
 explanation, you know. Your humor is 
 so very different to ours, and I don t be 
 lieve any one at home, if I said you had 
 given me an empty envelope to carry to 
 your uncle, could feel the spirit of it. 
 And these things are so tiresome, you 
 know, when they happen to fall flat, 
 hope you won t think me importunate 
 if I say I should like to know just where 
 the laugh comes in on a thing of that 
 kind?" 
 
 Campbell : " Out with it, Roberts !" 
 
 Mrs. Roberts : " Don t you think Oh, 
 I m sure you ll spoil it, Edward !" 
 
 Mrs. Campbell : " Don t you think 
 you d better leave it to Uncle Philip ?" 
 
 Campbell : " Well, that s an inspiration, 
 Amy. Leave it to Uncle Phil, Roberts !" 
 
 Roberts, with a deep sigh of relief : 
 " Yes, that will be best. My Uncle Phil 
 ip will tell you, if you don t mind." 
 
A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 6l 
 
 Bella, at the door : " Lunch is served, 
 Mrs. Roberts." 
 
 Mrs. Roberts, gayly : " I m going to lead 
 the way, with Mr. Westgate. Edward, 
 bring Amy. And, Willis, you can 
 
 Campbell : " Oh, come, now ! None of 
 your little unconscious jokes, Agnes ! I 
 won t stand it from my own sister." 
 
 Westgate : " Ow ! Do the American 
 ladies often make jokes without knowing 
 it, Mrs. Roberts ?" To Campbell : " But 
 what is just the point of Ow, I see ! 
 Very good ! Ha, ha, ha ! And shall we 
 have some distinctively American dishes, 
 Mrs. Roberts? You know I m so very, 
 very curious about your chowder, and 
 doughnuts, and maple syrup, and buck 
 wheat cakes, and corn-dodgers, and hoe- 
 downs. Such delightful names. They 
 really make one s mouth water." He 
 goes out with Mrs. Roberts. 
 
 Campbell, lingering, and detaining his 
 wife and Roberts : " Roberts, can t you 
 dance a hoe-cake for him ? You ought 
 to do it on your knees, you miserable 
 sinner!" 
 
 THE END /s 
 
 THt 
 
 r 
 
 rttt ) 
 
UNIVERSITY OP CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE 
 STAMPED BELOW 
 
 OCT 4 1916 
 
 JAN .19 1931 
 
 E 
 
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