UC-NRLF 
 
 137 
 
 FOR ft W&GER 
 
 THROU 
 
 BY 
 
 CAPBHN MORTON PRICE 
 
ERKELEY 
 
 BRARY 
 
 IIVERS1TY OF 
 lAUPOMNlA 
 
Cj^atrital 
 
 FOR 
 
 CANADA AND THE UNITED STATES- 
 
 CAPTAIN HORTON RHYS, 
 
 ("MO ETON PRICE.") 
 
 Author of " Tit for Tat," " FoUy," " AIVs Fair in Love and War," &c. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PUBLISHED FOB THE AUTHOR BY 
 
 CHARLES DUDLEY, 4, AGAR STREET, WEST STRAND. 
 . 1861. 
 
ENTERED AT STATIONEKS HALL 
 
UNPBETENDING, AND (l TRUST) UNOFFENDING LITTLE VOLUME, IS 
 
 (BY PERMISSION), 
 
 TO 
 HIS G K A C E 
 
 HENRY CHARLES, DUKE OF BEAUFORT, 
 
 BY HIS OLD SCHOOLFELLOW, 
 
 CHARLES HO ETON RHYS, 
 
 (_" MORTON PRICE.") 
 
 Chadderton Hall, Lancashire, 
 November 1st, 1861. 
 
 882 
 
ADDRESS. 
 
 FEIENDS, R eaders, and Countrymen, until just as I 
 
 was about sending this my Bantling to be brought out, 
 or, in other words, this my Book to be printed, it never 
 occurred to me that the same should have a Dedication. 
 I turned me round in thought, and mentally reviewed 
 the names of those to whom I might apply without fear 
 of refusal, or worse suspicious or supercilious inquiries 
 into the character of the production to which they were 
 solicited to stand sponsor. While thus calculating and 
 " concluding," kind Fate conducted me into the presence 
 of an old friend and schoolfellow (may I here throw up 
 my hat, and cry " Floreat Etona?") whom I had not seen 
 for many years, but of whom I had a keen recollection 
 as a good schoolfellow, a first-rate sportsman, and princely 
 patron of all things deserving of patronage. Ere the warm 
 pressure of his hand had left my palm, and the kindly 
 tone of his voice had ceased to echo in my ear, I felt 
 " I should have asked him" * 
 
 I did y and the result was, the preceding page. 
 
Crip for a 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 WRITE a Book ! Well, why shouldn t I ? many a more stupid fellow 
 than I, have " gone and done it," ere this. Let me see! educated 
 at Eton, many years in the army at home and abroad, a wanderer in 
 many lands, with a smattering of every language under the sun ; write 
 a Book ! I rather think so and here goes ! 
 
 Now I beg, at starting, emphatically to state that if anybody takes 
 offence at anything I write, I don t care, because it is all true not 
 founded on facts, but facts in puribus ; and I would, also, in order to 
 avoid the charge of obtaining readers under false pretences, beg to 
 inform all those who being led to suppose, by the title of my book (my 
 book !) that they will gain information as to the time it takes, or the 
 distance you have to travel to get from one place to another, &c., &c., 
 &c., that they will spend their money quite uselessly in purchasing it. 
 
 This being my maiden effort, I am ignorant whether the Printer or 
 Publisher corrects all inaccuracies of Spelling, Grammar, and so forth, 
 or not ; I can only hope he does, for I write as I think first come, first 
 
 served, truth uppermost, and shame the D 1, (not the Printer s of 
 
 that ilk, but the other.) My peregrinations and experiences will go 
 down as I remember them, and at just about the pace that a school 
 boy commits to paper some few hundred lines of Virgil given him by 
 
 A 2 
 
4 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 his Pedagogue as an "imposition," so, my dear readers, (my dear 
 readers l"J excuse mistakes, if you please. 
 
 On a very wet February English evening, or rather night, or I should 
 say morning, for it was after midnight, " there might have been seen" 
 a jovial party of some eighteen or twenty persons, all of the gender 
 male, sitting round that is, up on one side and down the other of a 
 long table in a large room, in a middling-sized Hotel in the greatest 
 Garden in the world to wit, Covent Garden, in the well-known City, 
 or adjoining thereto, of London. (Writing this in America, I am 
 obliged to particularize, as there is a London somewhere in Canada, 
 which is, or was, you know, part of America ; but it is not so large as 
 our London, though that may not be generally known here. Indeed, I 
 am sure. But I am getting away from the " thread of my narrative.") 
 Well, this jovial party, that is, a party assembled for the purpose of 
 jollity (jolly old word all my smattering of language has never enabled 
 me to find a true translation, or equivalent ; the French try it, but it 
 isn t a bit like it), are so assembled, and it would seem, have been so 
 assembled for some time, as sundry empty Champagne bottles and the 
 wretched remains of two swingeing bowls of Punch attest. The con 
 versation is animated, the subjects thereof entirely Dramatic, Operatic, 
 and thoroughly Theatrical. 
 
 This Supper Party is conclusive of an Amateur Performance which 
 has this night taken place at the * * * * Theatre, half at least of 
 the jolly ones being aiders and abettors therein; the others invited 
 friends, also theatrically disposed as far as the wings are concerned, but 
 as yet unknown to the footlights, save and excepting one or two, who 
 having occasionally exhibited themselves at Trotterbury and Weather- 
 town, think themselves somebodies, but are scarcely recognised as bond 
 fide Amateurs strong suspicions being extant that these said exhibitions 
 contribute as much to the exhibitors pockets as to their pastime. 
 
 At the head of the table is seated the chairman of this convivial 
 gathering. He has just resumed his seat amid considerable applause, 
 and " one cheer more" having concluded his " thanks for the honour 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 6 
 
 they have done him in drinking his health," and, indeed, he has made 
 quite a long speech for an Amateur. There, however, seems to have 
 been matter in this said speech, at which one or more of those assembled, 
 demur, for shortly after our story opens, and before the small hours had 
 obtained much size, a conversation ensued which I will presently 
 chronicle. 
 
 Viewing the whole proceedings with a somewhat cynical eye, and 
 looking upon the " upstanding" portion as a decided bore, was a round- 
 faced, round-bodied, hairy-looking individual, seated midway down the 
 table ; and next to him, on his right, reposed (for he appeared to be 
 asleep an occasional puff of smoke issuing from his lips, alone deciding 
 him to be animate), a very long man, lank in hair and limp in body 
 the latter, at the time we narrate, forming the half of an 0, and his legs 
 two-thirds of a triangle. We will call these individuals Smith and 
 Brown. 
 
 SMITH (loq.) " So you really think, R , that it is possible for an 
 
 Amateur to be as good as a Professional?" 
 
 R., " Undoubtedly. I, of course, mean a gentleman Amateur. Some 
 of our best actors were amateurs, and were as good then as they are- 
 now. Toole, of the Adelphi, for instance." 
 
 S., (superciliously) "Ah, a low-comedy man." 
 
 R., "Exactly." 
 
 S., "I am speaking of the line of business you prefer." 
 
 R., "Which is that?" 
 
 S., "Light comedy, Charley Mathews, eh?" (nudging the limp man.) 
 
 BROWN (slightly starting) "Eh? yes, good!" 
 
 R., " Oh, light comedy. Well, what have you to say about light 
 comedy?" 
 
 S., " Simply, that no man that isn t bred up to the profession 
 
 FACETIOUS LISTENER (interrupting) " Sire, actor dam, actress." 
 
 S., " I didn t say that." 
 
 SAME PARTY. " No one said you did." (slight laughter unpleasant to 
 SMITH.) 
 
6 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOE A WAGEE, 
 
 S., "I say that no man that hasn t studied the Profession with a 
 view to adopting it from his youth can ever be a finished, or even 
 tolerable light comedian a Charles Surface, a Rover, a Don Ccesar, a 
 Sir Charles Coldstream, a (pointedly,} R., had played the character that 
 evening) Citizen Sangfroid " 
 
 R., "Oh!" 
 
 S., " It s all very well to say Oh ! " 
 
 SECOND FACETIOUS INDIVIDUAL. "Not always," (bestowing a pinch 
 upon the drowsy BROWN, whose exclamation thereupon, immediately 
 corroborated S. F. I s. assertion.) 
 
 S., " Now, look here, R . (R., did so.) You think yourself no 
 
 end of an Amateur, don t you ?" 
 
 R., " My dear sir, modesty forbids " 
 
 S., " Oh, bosh ! You are modest with a vengeance, to play Delicate 
 Ground to a London audience, just after Anderson has been doing it !" 
 
 R., "Well " 
 
 FACETIOUS MAN. "Anderson, or self?" 
 
 R., (confidently) " Both." 
 
 INCORRIGIBLE WRETCH. "Good!" 
 
 S., (resuming) "You wouldn t like your talent to be tested by an 
 audience that didn t know you were as the bills call you, or I should 
 say, as you call yourself in the bills, The celebrated Amateur, Captain 
 H. R , and with a company of Professionals " 
 
 R., " I have already done so." 
 
 S., " Once " 
 
 R., " Once. But you are monopolizing all the conversation. Do 
 bring your catechism to an end, and let us know the drift of it." 
 
 S., "I should like to know whether you, a crack Amateur, as I 
 suppose you consider yourself, seriously think that you could make 
 money by acting, where you would not be recognised and receive the 
 leniency usually shown to an Amateur." 
 
 R., " Seriously, I feel sure I could." 
 
 S., " Bravo ! That song you sang was your own composition, 
 wasn t it ?" 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 7 
 
 R., " Did you ever hear it before ?" 
 
 S., "No, and don t care if I never hear it again." 
 
 R., " Ah, somebody told me the other day twas a pity Smith ever 
 attempted to sing, " 
 
 S., "Indeed. Do you think you would have been encored in it, if 
 you had been a Professional, and the song written by some one else?" 
 
 R., "Of course, I do." 
 
 S., " Ha, ha ! Why, my dear sir, you wouldn t, couldn t, as a singer 
 and actor, make five pounds in a fortnight." 
 
 R., "I would make five hundred in a year !" 
 
 S., " I ll bet you five hundred you don t !" 
 
 R., (excited) " Done ! There s a fiver (producing a piece of paper 
 representing that amount) to sign articles to-morrow morning !" 
 
 S., "Agreed. Where are you?" (pocketing the note.) 
 
 R., " Your sleepy friend there, knows. Come with him, I fancy he 
 will go you halves. Two o clock, Lunch, and an amicable arrangement 
 of our argument to the tune of a monkey."* 
 
 This being acceded to by Smith, and meeting with an approving 
 grunt from his particular friend, Brown, thus ended the " commence 
 ment du fin" of my wager in the bold attempt to win which all that 
 is, in this to-be-celebrated book narrated, occurred. 
 
 This little matter settled, and Messrs. Smith and Brown silenced for 
 awhile, the remainder of the evening passed merrily enough ; and having 
 only thus recorded the Party, that all whom it may concern shall know 
 the origin of my having cause for thus " rushing into print," I will 
 dismiss it forthwith, and proceed to place before my readers a verbatim 
 copy of a document to which I, in conjunction with Messrs. Smith and 
 Brown, appended our autographs before three o clock of the afternoon of 
 
 the day following that of the Party. 
 
 February 12th, 1859. 
 
 WE, the undersigned A. SMITH and B. BEOWN, conjointly bet 
 CAPTAIN H. R., the sum of five hundred pounds that he does not, in 
 any country other than Great Britain or Ireland, by his talents as an 
 
 * " Tattersall" slang, meaning 500. 
 
8 A THEATEICAL TEIP FOB A WAGER, 
 
 actor, author, singer, or composer, separately or collectively, clear the 
 sum of five hundred pounds over and above all expenses other than 
 those of Board and Lodging and personal expenditure. We, the under 
 signed, further agree that CAPTAIN H. R, shall be permitted to take 
 with him and employ, as assistant, any actress he may choose, provided 
 she has not up to this present date appeared as an actress in London, 
 Liverpool, or Manchester, and has not played an engagement as leading 
 lady in any Theatre whatever ; and it is further stipulated that any 
 engagement she may play singly shall not be included in the terms of 
 this wager. Twelve calendar months from the date of his (CAPTAIN 
 H. R. s) first appearance in such country as he may select, to be the 
 time allotted for the completion of his task, and the bet to be won or 
 lost in eighteen calendar months from the date of this agreement. We 
 hereby make a deposit of fifty pounds (CAPTAIN H. R., doing the same), 
 and the whole of the money, One Thousand Pounds (500 aside) to be 
 made good on or before the Eighteenth day of March next, when, to 
 prevent the possibility of after-dispute, CAPTAIN H. R., is to name the 
 lady whom he has engaged to accompany him and determine the day 
 of his departure. It is further stipulated that CAPTAIN: H. R., shall 
 travel and make and play his engagements under an assumed and 
 fictitious name, and shall not, previous to, or upon his arrival at each 
 place as he may determine upon visiting, make his real name known ; 
 and shall abstain from calling on private friends or newspaper editors, 
 and from signing his own name to any play, or pamphlet, or letter ; 
 and we, the undersigned, hereby agree to abide by the returns of expendi 
 ture and profits which shall be furnished to us from time to time by 
 CAPTAIN H. R. The same being guaranteed to be true and correct 
 upon word and honor, as an officer and a gentlemen. And to this we 
 
 do now append our names. 
 
 A. SMITH. 
 
 B. BBOWN. 
 
 I, the undersigned, hereby agree to all and each of the foregoing 
 
 agreements and conditions. 
 
 H. R. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 9 
 
 This interesting and novel Document being safely deposited in the 
 hands of a gentleman, better known to Sporting than Theatrical circles, 
 I bestirred me forthwith to carry out an idea which had occurred to me 
 at the time of making the wager. 
 
 A short time previous, I had gone by invitation to assist in some 
 Amateur Performances at Exeter and Plymouth, and there I had seen a 
 young actress, whom I shall call Lucille, whose great beauty of voice, 
 extreme youth, and lady-like deportment had much interested me. It 
 flashed upon me when my opponents, Messrs. Smith and Brown, were 
 comforting themselves in the thought that they had pretty well shut me 
 out of all chance of obtaining any great female talent, that this was my 
 chance, if I could persuade her to brave the perils of the deep, &c., &c. 
 I may here state I had quite determined on making America and Canada 
 the field of my operations. So off I wrote to Edinburgh, where I knew 
 she was then playing at the Theatre Royal (since transmogrified, I hear, 
 into a Post Office) third to the Misses St. George and Louise Keeley, 
 got a satisfactory answer, and thereupon arranged for her to close her 
 engagement and to meet me at Leamington, which she did shortly, 
 accompanied by her mother. We then played with the A. B. C. Club 
 (Amateurs), and I, of course, was only too delighted to see that Lucille, 
 in her debut, under my management, made before a most fastidious 
 audience, a decided hit as an actress ; she played the small but pretty 
 part of Mary, in Naval Engagements. In her singing I had already 
 full confidence, and mv grand object was now to obtain for her a London 
 appearance, and (I prayed) success. 
 
 This was speedily effected through Mr. M., the agent of the lessee of 
 Drury Lane, who was in want of a prima donna to take the part of 
 Susan, in Mr. Tully s new opera of William and Susan (pirated, of 
 course, from the celebrated drama of that name), which, after one or 
 two delays, was produced at the said theatre on the 28th of February, 
 to a crowded house ; and I am sure the veritable Mons. Dufard, in The 
 First Night, never felt more excited for the success of his " child, 
 Rose," than did I for the success of this young lady. Suffice it to say 
 that she was encored in her first song (the only solo set down for her in 
 
 B 
 
10 A THEATEICAL TRIP FOE A WAGER, 
 
 the piece), and played and sang throughout well enough to elicit the 
 praise of the London Press, without exception. The opera ran until the 
 close of the season, and great was the surprise and demur of Messrs. 
 Smith and Brown when, on the Eighteenth day of March, I notified to 
 them that I had selected the prima donna of Drury Lane to accompany 
 me across the Atlantic ! 
 
 They had, however, 110 help for it, the bond ran thus : " provided 
 she has not up to this present date appeared," &c., &c. 
 
 The twenty-third of April arrived, the Cunard steamer, " Niagara," 
 (Capt. Millar), sailed from Liverpool, and amongst the passengers "might 
 have been observed" a gentleman and two ladies busily engaged in 
 watching their man servant making frantic efforts to fish out what was 
 wanted, from what was not, of an apparently endless confusion of luggage, 
 for safe consignment to the said ladies and gentleman s cabins, or state 
 rooms, as they are, in the lucus-a-non-lucendo style, termed. 
 
 I have just read a book, entitled " Weld s Vacation Tour through the 
 United States and Canada," wherein is such an admirable description 
 of a similar voyage, that to save myself the trouble of writing, and also 
 the possible charge of piracy, I will refer my readers to Mr. Weld for 
 all information of the incidents, accidents, amusements, and occupations 
 concomitant to a passage across the Atlantic, and say no more of the 
 trip than conduces to the safe conduct of my story. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA, 11 
 
 CHAPTER IT. 
 
 My pleasure was great on finding among the passengers a certain 
 Captain B., who having got tired of soldiering at home, had effected an 
 exchange from the 13th Light Infantry into the Canadian Rifles, and 
 was on his way to join. This was a blessing we were a " Party" 
 forthwith, and as we were fortunate enough to have a beautiful passage, 
 the said party managed to pass the ten days it took our good ship to 
 accomplish the distance to Halifax, very jollily, (this word will often 
 occur, as I like it.) We had occasional Concerts in the saloon, grave 
 affairs, save when Captain B., in singing " The Cork Leg," and acting 
 the same, a lurch of the vessel conducted him to a premature conclusion 
 in the lap of some young lady, or when the Purser, who was a sort 
 of nautical Sam Cowell, allowed his feelings to carry him away into 
 comicalities which sent the men portion of his audience into a roar, and 
 the ladies out of the saloon in confusion. Oh, my fellow voyagers, 
 remember ye " My jolly ould sthick !" Wonderful games of Whist, in 
 which I did not join, and " Shuffle-board," which I did ; then we had a 
 never-failing source of amusement in the presence of a remarkably tall 
 individual, who suffered us (whom he good-naturedly called youngsters, 
 though I question if some of us were not quite as old, and older than 
 himself), to play all sorts of games with. 
 
 We then called him " Long Tom," so shall I now, and should he see 
 these pages, he will thereby know I bear him in pleasant memory. 
 
 Captain B s skirmishes with him were incessant, and the passengers 
 would frequently form themselves into a sort of Box audience to witness 
 the absurdities that passed between them. One day it was carried in 
 council that " Long Tom" was far too good a fellow, and a great deal too 
 large an object to go at large any longer, and that, for his own sake, it 
 were advisable that he should be placed under surveillance. Conse 
 quently it was determined that he should be sold to the highest bidder 
 
12 A THEATEICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 at Public Auction, and sold he was, after some spirited competition 
 
 amongst the ladies, being knocked down to Lucille for , I forget 
 
 the price ; since which time she has always called him her property, but 
 like most properties not settled on oneself, he, of course, " passed away" 
 at the conclusion of the voyage, and I have not seen our long friend 
 since. 
 
 He was one of those rare good fellows that time and absence make 
 you the more wishful to meet again. 
 
 We had but two rough days, and ere they arrived every one had 
 found their sea-legs, and the Steward did not reap much benefit by 
 absentees at feeding time. I may here remark that on board the 
 Cunard vessels, of which the " Niagara" was one, the fare you get is 
 well worth the fare you give ; a better table 1 never saw. 
 
 Well, on the evening of our tenth day we touched at Halifax, and for 
 the first time looked down upon the land of America* (or rather the 
 lamps thereof, for it was too dark to discern more than a dim outline of 
 the shore) ; Halifax, as all know, or all ought to know, is under the 
 sovereignty of our Gracious Queen, and ruled by her by proxy. 
 
 As soon as the vessel was alongside the Wharf, among other be 
 siegers were a posse of " sojer" officers, who clamoured and clattered 
 until they had found the object of their search viz., a lady who had 
 been my positive aversion during the voyage. The airs she gave 
 herself were immense ; a sort of Aide-camp always attended her in the 
 shape of a young man who spoke incessantly with the least pleasant of 
 Irish brogues (the Dublin accent) of his " toitled acqueentance," and 
 paid immense attention to the fine lady s daughter ! The party proved 
 to be the wife, I beg her pardon, Lady I should have said, and daughter 
 of some military Big-wig somewhere in those diggings, and the Irish 
 man was something between a soldier and a civilian, not quite either, 
 going to the same place, in the commissariat or something. I predict 
 his attentions have been long ere this dispensed with, for, unless I am 
 mistaken more than is my wont, one of the before-mentioned officers 
 
 * Nova Scotia strictly speaking, but invariably hailed by the stranger as the first 
 port and key of the New World. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 13 
 
 had somewhere seen, some time before, the young lady ; at all events he 
 took great care of her, and poor " Pill-Garlick" looked on from amid a 
 pile of wraps, &c., with a most dejected countenance. 
 
 1 was quite astonished at the amount of swagger possessed and shown 
 by these gentlemen I mention it not that the said swagger did me any 
 harm, or because any of them trod on my toes, without begging my 
 " paivdon," but, that any young officer (of course an old one is incor 
 rigible) who may chance to read this book, may know an old one s 
 opinion on military swagger. It is the worst swagger of all ! that of brief 
 authority, that of wealth, title, beauty (oh yes, beauty swaggers too, 
 be it in woman or man ; proud beauty, impudent beauty, swaggers 
 equally in its own fashion), these are bad enough, but the swagger of 
 a man in a red coat is unendurable ; it approaches nearer to the 
 insolence of Flunkeyism than anything else. 
 
 There were a good many Americans on board, and their remarks 
 upon the " offishness" of some of these embryo warriors were smart 
 enongh ; Americans form their opinions, in a great measure, of English 
 soldiers from those they see at Halifax. In the Canadas they are so 
 much scattered, and, by the constant stream of American visitors, so 
 much Americanized, that they are hardly looked upon by the latter as 
 types of English soldiery. Nor are they ; for if an officer in Canada 
 gave himself the absurd airs, i.e. swagger, that many, indeed, most of 
 most of them do, in her Majesty s colonies, he would be sent to 
 Coventry by both Americans and Canadians. 
 
 I shall not beg pardon for this digression, as is the Novelist s wont, for, 
 as I said before, I shall say what 1 like, and, therefore, without further 
 parley take up my story from the time of my fellow passengers depar 
 ture under safe, that is, military escort. 
 
 On inquiry, we found that our ship would rest from her labours for a 
 very short time, and that any one desirous of stretching their legs on 
 shore had better be sharp about it. Naturally, as an every-day matter, 
 I am one of the coolest and most self-collected of human beings (friend 
 David, I turn to thee for confirmation of the same !) How happened 
 it, then, that for many hours before the vessel reached the Wharf, and 
 
14 A THEATKICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 as she steamed past the long line of lights reflected in the darkness of 
 the night, on, down, and through the murky waters, like Phosphoric 
 flashes how was it that this self-collected gentleman might have been, 
 and was noticed to be suffering under considerable nervous excitement? 
 Not the joyous excitement visible in the faces of many who were then 
 gazing for the first time on as much as they could see of a fresh land, 
 nor yet the excitement of some, consequent on unfounded suspicion 
 that the Boston baggage might by some jugglery be sent on shore at 
 Halifax ; not either the excitement of meeting friends, for I had none 
 to meet, but 1 must digress again. 
 
 Know ye then, oh my readers, that from youth upwards I had been 
 superstitious my family have ever been so. I would see a ladder 
 " somewhere first" before I would go underneath it ; looking at the new 
 moon through glass was bad luck for a month ; not taking off my hat 
 to a Magpie, when going hunting, (myself not the Magpie) was pro 
 vocative of a blank day, or prognostic of a broken collar-bone, cum 
 multis aliis of such like. In Mesmerism I had, reasonably, a moderate 
 confidence, but up to a month previous to my leaving England I had a 
 profound contempt for all believers in spirit-rapping, and about that time 
 communicated the same to a friend of mine who happened to be dining 
 with me at the Regent Hotel, Leamington. 
 
 " Well," said my friend (whom I will call Jones) " I am rather glad 
 to hear you say so," (referring to my expressed disbelief;) "for though 
 you laugh at spirit-rapping, you seem to believe in the active agency of 
 spirits over our thoughts and deeds." 
 
 R., " For good or evil, yes." 
 
 J., " Please explain, before I tell you something about spirit-rapping, 
 how you think spirits influence thought and deed ?" 
 
 R., " Simply thus : One spirit sayeth It is very nice ; the other, 
 * It is very wrong the flesh listeneth and ans\vereth It is delightful. 
 The knowledge replieth It is wicked ; the worldly man he tosseth up, 
 and chance directs his action ; the righteous man instanter sides with 
 the better spirit, and the twain tumble back the worse to his master, 
 the D 1, for fresh instructions." 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 15 
 
 J., " What an extraordinary idea !" 
 
 R., It is mine, and now for yours." 
 
 J., " You have seen my eldest boy ; he is a medium." 
 
 R., " A how much !" 
 
 J., "A vehicle for conveying messages between the mortal and 
 immortal." 
 
 R., "A sort of male coach, eh ? 
 
 J., " Good ; but T want to be serious. This child has told me 
 extraordinary things ; he is very delicate, and his mother objects 
 strongly to his being employed as a spirit-questioner. 1 
 
 R., " Sensible woman !" (sotto voce, I saw Jones was in earnest.) 
 
 J., " But if you would like to have your eyes opened and your 
 disbelief a little shaken, come home with me, and I will get him to try." 
 
 R., " Done with you, let us 
 
 J., " One moment; I must tell you through this child some months 
 ago, I was told of the death of a near and dear relative in Pennsylvania." 
 
 R., " That must have been the Spirit of the Atlantic Cable !" 
 
 J., " Come along, you must judge for yourself 
 
 In half-an-hour I was in Jones house, and watching, with a great 
 deal more interest than I expected, the performance of the child, who, 
 seated in front of a closed cottage piano with his small hands rested 
 thereon, was seriously engaged asking the following question : " Are 
 there any spirits in the room ?" 
 
 My whispered reply, " Whisky/ was almost sternly reproved by 
 Jones, who seemed to have his life depending on the expected answer, 
 which I was assured would come in the shape of a knock if any there 
 were, and sure enough come it did, loud, clear, and imperative. 
 
 " Who the dickens did that ?" I said, certainly startled. 
 
 "Hush!" 
 
 " How many spirits are present ?" whined the small boy, wherupon 
 came a succession of knocks, raps, scratches and creakings, out of which 
 Jones counted fifty or sixty, and in amazement I looked round the little 
 room, and thought of crinoline. 
 
 " Well, I never !" I said ; " how do you do that ?" 
 
 " Hush !" said the parent. 
 
16 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 The medium then asked numerous questions, all of which were 
 replied to by numerous sounds of discomfort from the bewitched Cottage, 
 into which I looked, and over and under, behind, and all round ; but 
 nothing could I discover ; I saw the grave face of the mother and 
 father (the latter s had assumed a preternatural sombreness), and 
 gradually, but irresistibly, I became engrossed in the proceedings. 
 Turning to me, Jones loquitur in a whisper, which quite made me jump, 
 * Would you like to ask anything of the spirits ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes," I answered, plucking up, " Fire away ! Am I going 
 a journey ?" 
 
 Answer " Yes," 
 
 " Where ?" 
 
 Answer " America." 
 
 " Good !" (didn t know that the Jones family knew that.) " What am 
 I going to do there ?" 
 
 No answer. 
 
 " Is any one going with me ?" 
 
 Answer " Yes." 
 
 " How many?" 
 
 Answer " Three." (that the Jones family could not have known.) 
 
 " Shall I succeed in my enterprise ?" 
 
 No answer. 
 
 " Ah," said Jones, " they wish to dissuade you from going." 
 
 " Shall I arrive safely in America ?" 
 
 No answer. 
 
 " Better not ask," suggested Jones. 
 
 " Oh, hang it!" I said, quite excited, " let us ask again." 
 
 At last, after putting the question four or five times, there came a 
 most decided double knock, which being interpreted, meant " No !" 
 
 I sought to know what was to happen ; whether I was to be burnt, 
 blown up, drowned, or digested by cannibals, but deuce another reply 
 could be obtained ; and considerably puzzled, I returned home, and if 
 I didn t dream of ships on fire and signal guns, and roaring waters, it s 
 a pity. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 17 
 
 Those who superficially know me, will scarcely credit me when I say 
 that, from that time until that at which I so summarily broke off the 
 thread of my narrative to recount this spirit-rapping business, the 
 recollection of that child, and the haunted cottage, and the supernatural 
 sounds therein, out, or on (as they might have been) were never absent 
 from my mind I couldn t bear the word, " shipwreck," to meet my 
 eyes in the newspaper, and Lucille nearly killed me one day by asking 
 " If there were any life-preservers on board ?" However, my reader is 
 now gratified (of course) by knowing that the ship has reached the 
 shores of America without mishap, and can enter into my feelings of 
 impatience to set foot on terra firma, and thereby, as I thought, break 
 the spell which was on me, and give the lie to the Spirits of the Piano. 
 
 I had never mentioned a syllable of this spirit-rapping prophecy to 
 Lucille, or to her mother, and when I declared my intention to the former 
 of going on shore the moment the ship was alongside, the expression of 
 my face was such as to cause her to say, "Are you ill? Let me 
 go with you." 
 
 " But you are not ready," I said, impatiently. 
 
 " Oh," she answered, "five minutes will do that." 
 
 " Yes," I whispered, " but five minutes may do me ;" and in five 
 seconds I was at the gangway, over the plank, and on American soil. 
 Not content with walking on the Wharf, I took a spin up the gravel 
 road about fifty yards and back, and came on board again a perfect fire 
 work of spirits (not rapping ones ;) I insisted on Lucille s coming on 
 shore, which she did, and we wandered about the most sombre looking 
 town I ever saw, until the red, blue, and white stars of an exploding 
 rocket, high up in " Heaven s blue vault," enlightened us as to the 
 necessity of retracing our steps and getting on board. 
 
 On board we got with the last of the coal, and to bed we went quite 
 "jolly," which jollity, however, was somewhat disturbed on the fol 
 lowing day by the Captain saying in reply to some remark of mine 
 about Halifax, " Halifax. Oh, we don t call Halifax, America !" My spirits 
 sank instanter to Zero, and the others were in the ascendant ; how 
 ever, our voyage across the Bay of Fundy was so tranquil (it can 
 
 c 
 
18 
 
 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 be rough when it chooses) my mind was comparatively easy, and I 
 listened to the conversation of the newly-arrived American portion of 
 the passengers with tranquillity and amusement. 
 
 ****** 
 
 " A smart man, sir ! a darn d smart 1 beg your pardon." This 
 
 was the exclamation of a gentleman, who, as I entered the saloon, 
 rather late for breakfast, having finished his own, was coming out, and 
 walking one way and talking another, trod somewhat heavily on my 
 slippered feet. 
 
 " Don t mention it, sir, twas my fault more than your s," I politely 
 replied (fortunately my toes hadn t to make the reply instead of my 
 tongue.) 
 
 " Now, I guess that s a Britisher, he s so dani d polite," said he 
 audibly. The Steward told me afterwards that he, the Yankee, for of 
 course such he was, came direct to him and asked my name, occupa 
 tion, destination, &c., &c. ; and when told I was a Captain, at once 
 ejected me from his further consideration, together with a demonstra 
 tion from his mouth, of which abomination more anon. 
 
 I had my breakfast, and then proceeded to the deck to enjoy a pipe ; 
 in the process of which, I suddenly found myself nudged in the side 
 by my heavy-treading acquaintance of an hour previous. 
 
 " First journey here, stranger ?" 
 
 " Yes," I said ; " it is." 
 
 " Going to Canada, I guess ?" 
 
 " No, not at present." 
 
 These four words appeared quite to surprise him, and " Wa-al," 
 
 he Baid, "if that Steward ain t the blessedest 1 understood him to 
 
 say as you were a Captain." 
 
 " So I am. " 
 
 " Then what the scuse me ; what on airth are you come 
 
 here for ?" 
 
 "To America?" I answered innocently, "to see the country, to 
 study the people, and all the rest of it." 
 
 " Then I guess you ll go back again pretty considerable sleepy " 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 
 
 " Why so," said I curiously. 
 
 " Why ? Cause you ll have to keep your eyes so tarnation wide open 
 to make that ere study of yourn worth the studyin , that it s darn d 
 little sleep you ll get here, that s a fact." 
 
 I laughed. 
 
 " Writin a book," said he, interrogatively. 
 
 " May be, " said I, comically. 
 
 " Darn d if I did nt think so !" said he, energetically ; and after a 
 pause, he added thoughtfully, " A great country, a smart people." 
 
 Catching at the word " smart," I said, " You were saying some one 
 was very smart, as we met at the saloon door. May I ask if it was any 
 public man you alluded to ?" 
 
 He looked at me, put his finger to the side of his nose, and said, 
 a la Clarke (the Strand Clarke), "You re beginning, you air." 
 
 I made a gesture of entire innocence of such a crime. 
 
 " Wa-al," he resumed, " I don t mind telling yew ; it will do for 
 your book, ha, ha !" 
 
 " Well, if it is good enough, it may," I said, quietly. 
 
 He stared again, and then looking at me, he said, " I guess you ll 
 hear more stories in America than you ever heard in the Old Country." 
 
 " Greater ones, I have no doubt, * I answered, assentively. 
 
 A long and concentrated gaze, in which nothing escaped from my 
 head to my feet, ended in his admiringly exclaiming, " I m darn d if 
 they ll get much out of yew, any way they fix it, that s a fact." 
 
 I laughed a reply, and asked him, " if he would not tell me of the 
 smart man I had alluded to ?" 
 
 " I had concluded not to tell yew, he answered ; " but I spose if I 
 don t you ll put me down in that ere book of yourn as a a a bad 
 specimen of a Yankee ?" 
 
 To this point-blank question I was obliged to make some answer, so 
 said, " Very possibly," and offered him a cigar, which accepting, he 
 told me the following smart story : 
 
 " Up in our city there s a Quaker, tremenjous rich he is, too part 
 owner, and whole owner of a sight of ships goes to all parte they 
 
20 
 
 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 do, and of course he insures them that is, generally. Wa-al, this 
 Fall, one of these ships a reg lar little fortune she becomes over 
 due, she does that is, there s nothing heerd on her, so Quaker 
 becomes nervous, and wants to complete her insurance, which owing 
 to some neglect at the Office, hadn t been done, and he calls pretty 
 near every day. Wa-al, one day quite airly he comes, and says he to 
 the Clerk, Friend, says he, thou needst not trouble about the 
 insurance, for I ve heerd on the ship. Clerk was d rectly all business, 
 he was, and for settling matters right away the crittur wanted to get 
 the Premium, he did, so, says he, Oh, it s all right ! and hands over 
 the Policy papers ; and Quaker puts em in his pocket without so 
 so much as a thank ee. Quaker had heerd on the ship. She had 
 gone down, she had, and not a cent saved. Smart man, that Quaker !" 
 
 The afternoon of the 6th of May saw us safe in Boston Harbour, and 
 an hour or two after, we were comfortably housed in the "Parker House," 
 a hostelrie, in that city, and I no longer hesitated to pronounce the 
 spirits humbugs. 
 
 The Hotels here are called Houses ; there s the " Revere House," 
 " Fremont House," and " Parker s House" the latter being mostly 
 frequented by travellers and bachelors and here a word of advice to 
 all who may follow in my wake, which applies to every Hotel or 
 House in every city and town throughout America and Canada. Be 
 you travelling en gargon, or enfamille, on your arrival at an Hotel, walk 
 straight to the Office, state the strength of your party, the probable 
 length of your stay, and your requirements, and make the best bargain 
 you can. You will then get board and lodging as reasonably as in any 
 country in the world ; neglect to do this, and when you peruse your 
 bill at the end of a week, or whenever it may be, if your eyes don t 
 expand beyond their accustomed limits, I am no true historian. They 
 don t add up your score, but pile it, and if you remonstrate, they coolly 
 tell you it is their usual charge "when no arrangement is made," which 
 means they would have done it for half, sooner than you should have 
 applied at another House. 
 
 Well, we are in Boston, Massachusetts, and " What do you think of 
 it?" having been asked of me some dozen times within a few hours after 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 21 
 
 my arrival, I will here chronicle what I did think of it. I thought it 
 a remarkably clean, healthy-looking town ; hottish, but cooled down by 
 an abundance of trees, which grow out of the pavement in a remarkable 
 manner. Dickens was tickled by the innumerable sign-boards into 
 fancying each street a scene in a Pantomime I never got quite so far 
 into my imagination as that, but I certainly was much struck by the 
 immensity of outside advertising. Little need, I should say, for news 
 paper puffing, when so much is spent in paint and plaster, that all who 
 run may read. 
 
 The country round is very uninteresting, and though we drove for 
 hours on the day succeeding our arrival, I saw nothing worthy of note. 
 
 Of course Lucille was greatly amused by the blackness of the waiters, 
 who at the Parker House are all niggers, as nothing of higher grade 
 than an Irishman would consent to be a servant or " helps," as they are 
 called, in America ; bless you, as " Britons never will be slaves," so 
 Yankees never will be servants. The chamber-maids are delicious ; they 
 
 dress, and talk, and well, here is a specimen, and as it was our first 
 
 experience of the race, judge, oh, reader, for yourself, of our satisfaction 
 Lucille on going to her room in the course of our first evening, rang 
 for some one to light the gas, and after some half-dozen applications to 
 the bell-pull was honored with the presence of a female. I happened 
 to enter the room at the same time, as the young lady s delay was 
 annoying to my appetite, and the following strange colloquy ensued : 
 
 " Please, light the gas for me." 
 
 " Guess I m not your chamber-gal." 
 
 I must here tell you that this female, who wasn t a chamber-gal, was 
 dressed in the height of the fashion. She had on a hoop which stood 
 out under a pink gingham skirt, large and stiff as a gig umbrella the 
 effect of which was slightly marred by the same exposing to my 
 delighted yet astonished eyes, as I followed her up the stairs, a pair of 
 legs, the same size all the way up, encased in shocking dirty stockings, 
 with shoes or slippers down at heel, in each of which was a good sized 
 rat-hole ; her arms were naked to the shoulder, and decorated with a 
 
A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 showy bracelet apiece ; her neck was bare to anywhere, and her 
 
 hair frizzed out like a bunch of garden Endives. 
 
 Hearing her saucy reply, and feeling rather " riled" thereat, I roared 
 in her ear, " What the devil are you, then ?" 
 
 With a look of supreme contempt, she answered, as she seated 
 herself in a chair, " I m housekeeper, I am !" 
 
 To which Lucille said, " Then will you be kind enough to send some 
 one to me ?" 
 
 " Yon s the bell. Guess you re near st it ; but I don t mind if I do 
 it, this time." 
 
 Lights up, and down she sat again. Eyeing Lucille, she said, " Guess 
 you ain t got no hoop ?" 
 
 " Oh, yes I have." 
 
 " Don t stick out much, I reckon ! Mine does fine !" (getting up, 
 and turning round to exhibit her extent in that line.) 
 
 Concealing my inclination to scream, I said to Lucille, " That s 
 something like a hoop. You must get one." 
 
 " That s so ; guess we Boston gals knows a hoop when we sees one, 
 and that sorter won t dew, any heow you can fix it !" and out she 
 went. 
 
 Good lord ! We looked at each other, and if we never laughed before, 
 we did then. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 23 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 READER, hail ye from " ye City of Bladud ?" Dost thou remember 
 that city of Pumps and Palaces in the years previous to /45 ? Dost 
 thou remember a little man ; yea, a little and yet a great man ? His 
 hands were small, nearly as his gloves ; his feet were small, almost as 
 his boots ; he was small in stature, and of fashionable form : that is, 
 not too fat. In short, have you any recollection of " Jacobus ?" he 
 was, in every sense of the word, a Bath beau. Was there a Ball, or 
 Political Meeting, or, ye gods ! an Amateur Performance, who knew 
 so much of every requirement for the due carrying out of the same as 
 Jacobus T Little thought I, when last I saw him with his little boots 
 and little gloves, and little cane ; and last, not least, his good dinner- 
 loving face, walking down the handsomest shop street in the world (for 
 its size) viz., Milsom-street, Bath, that the next time I should shake 
 him by the hand would be some fifteen years after, in the New World, 
 even where rny narrative, and the good ship, " Niagara," has now 
 brought me the City of Boston ; such is the fact. Went to the 
 Boston Theatre on the evening of our arrival, and the first person I 
 saw in America, that I had ever seen before, was Jacobus. Of course, 
 he did not recognise me ; my assumed name assisting the disguise 
 years had therewith clad me. He was little altered, save in size, which 
 now had in breadth, compensated for what he lacked in length. 
 Jacobus form had filled out wonderfully ; and his curly locks old Time 
 had cooked in a way peculiarly his own ; still there he was, hale and 
 hearty as ever, and, when he found me out, appeared very glad to see me. 
 Those of my readers who have recognised my sketch, will remember 
 that its hero married previous to his going to America one of the 
 cleverest, prettiest, and most lady -like of actresses. She is a prime 
 favorite in the United States, and with pleasure I have lately learned 
 that she is about to appear again in London. 
 
24 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 After staying a short time at the Theatre, we saw Burton (since 
 dead), " the greatest comic actor " in America, in his original part of 
 Toadies (I thought Sir William Don superior in the same character, but 
 did nt get any one to agree with me but my own party.) Went to the 
 Howard Athenaeum, a charming little theatre, and saw a Mr. Joseph 
 P., and wife ; the former as Brutus, in Julius Casar, and the latter 
 as Gertrude, in The Loan of a Lover. It was a farewell benefit previous 
 to " these talented artistes proceeding to England ;" and, as I believe, 
 they did proceed and played somewhere in London, I shall say nothing 
 of our opinion of their dramatic powers ; but I must give a sketch of 
 one of the funniest scenes I ever witnessed in any theatre ; I have seen 
 similar ones since, but novelty always makes impression, and my 
 impression I now promulgate with a keen recollection of the amuse 
 ment it then afforded me." 
 
 At the conclusion of the tragedy, Mr. P., was "called." He appeared, 
 and instead of retiring as the applause subsided, he put his feet 
 between the two centre footlights, and commenced a speech ; in which, 
 of course, regret at leaving his native country was scarcely counter 
 balanced by the " brilliancy of the offers he bad received from numerous 
 managers in England to cross the Atlantic, &c., &c." 
 
 Well, his speech was ended, and he was bowing himself off, when 
 some attraction at the opposite wing caused Mr. P., to stay at his exit 
 side, still bowing and glancing uneasily across the stage ; I must here 
 mention that in the Pit, or what they call here the " Parquette," 
 (Heaven knows where they got the word from) were some dozen or so 
 of soldiers, at least they wore military uniforms, and several of these 
 persons apparently excited, commenced a call for a Captain Somebody, 
 whereupon, after a slight delay, there appeared at the R. first entrance 
 a martial figure, corpulent withal, clad in the same costume as the 
 gentlemen before mentioned in the Pit, who, without bow, or further 
 preamble, marched up to the retiring P., (who seemed immensely 
 relieved at his presence), and grasping him nervously by one hand, 
 while the other seemed mysteriously confined behind him, commenced 
 a speech, in which the public and private virtue of the said Mr. P., were 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 25 
 
 prominently depicted. The great actor looked, of course, very much 
 surprised, and when, suddenly, the corpulent Captain spasmodically 
 withdrew his hand from under his coat tails, and produced a well, 1 
 think it was a Pitcher he was immensely affected. This Pitcher was 
 supposed to be a present from his numerous admirers in Boston, " as a 
 slight testimonial, &c., &c." At this juncture^ the outward boundary 
 of a lady s crinoline suddenly appeared at the L. first entrance ; but 
 having mistaken its cue,, as suddenly disappeared. Mr. Captain then 
 proceeded to inquire for Mrs. P., of whose whereabouts Mr. P. pro 
 tested, amid much laughter, his ignorance ; however, almost imme 
 diately, stepping to the left wing, and from thence handing in the 
 crinoline proprietress, to whom the gallant Burgher presented a 
 bracelet, which she gracefully kissed, ballet-bouquet fashion ; then 
 Mr. P., returned thanks, commencing as follows : "-Ladies and 
 Gentlemen, and Captain Somebody, surprise and astonishment at these 
 unexpected and magnificent presents, which our umble efforts neither 
 required nor deserved, &c., Ac." Well, the house laughed, and so did 
 w.e ; and laughing still, I will finish my first day at Boston. 
 
 I forgot to say in the foregoing, that I was in the course of the 
 evening introduced to Mr. Barry, the lessee of the Boston Theatre, and 
 introduced myself to Mr. Davenport, of the Howard Athenaeum of 
 course under my new name, " Captain Morton Price." Both gentlemen 
 tendered me engagements, and both said it was of no use my going to 
 New York, To both I said, " Why ?" and both replied, with a mys 
 terious shake of the head, " I guess an English amateur will not get 
 supported there, any ways !" This discouraging communication I 
 forthwith entrusted to my friend, Jacobus, who, I needn t say, took 
 great interest in my Transatlantic " spec," for his sagest consideration, 
 and his reply was, " Oh, try it !" I did, and the result of the trial will 
 be given anon. 
 
 We stayed but a few days in Boston, and in that time we got our eyes, 
 pretty considerably opened as to American habits, manners, customs ; 
 to all of which we resolved not to subscribe more than was actually 
 necessary, by which you will understand our first impressions were not 
 
26 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 of a favourable kind. Doubtless many of my descriptions may seem to 
 the Uninitiated, exaggerated. Can t help it, and to all unbelievers, I 
 say Go, See, Come home again, and present me with a handsome testi 
 monial, in consideration of my virtue as the most veracious of 
 historians. 
 
 Provided with letters of introduction from Jacobus, and others whose 
 acquaintance I had made in Boston, to a few supposed-to-be-influentials 
 in New York, we started one fine morning for, and arrived one wet 
 night at, the Empire City ; we went the whole way by rail, and our 
 ideas of the vaunted comfort of American railway travelling was, 
 together with our bodies, dreadfully shaken ere the termination of our 
 day s travel. Ample description of the carriages, conductors, et posse 
 comitatus, will be hereafter found in the course of this admirable work, 
 and when found will, I dare say, be " made a note" of, as therein will be 
 contained much necessary information to those who grudge paying first- 
 class fare in England, and consider second-class carriages uncomfortable. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 27 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 NEW YORK. 
 
 "So this is New York, waiter, eh ?" I facetiously inquired of an 
 intelligent, but somewhat greasy specimen of black humanity, who, 
 napkin on arm, was mentally measuring my Banker s account, as he 
 waited behind me at breakfast, in an enormous unpleasant-smelling apart 
 ment of the Metropolitan Hotel. It is wonderful how apt these woolly- 
 wooden heads are at " counting a fellah up," and their courtesy or 
 contempt becomes accordingly soon manifest His reply, " Guess it s 
 nothing else," came gravely from his lips, as he arranged the never- 
 ending little dishes all round me, and politely added, "Tea or Coffee, 
 sah ?" My answer, " Mix them," brought a grin to his old mug, which 
 suddenly assumed a most deferential tinge, as on looking up, I per 
 ceived Lucille had entered the room, and was making her way towards 
 us ; to accomplish which, she had to tack down oiie side, then bout 
 ship, up the centre, and finally " wear" round something that looked like 
 a young steam engine, but which was a stove. 
 
 Darkie was all alive he couldn t conceal his admiration ; and when 
 she addressed him with a smiling " Good morning," he fairly rubbed his 
 hands in glee, and said ho would have the " Honah to attend us while we 
 stayed." He said his name was " Parkali, Missa Parkah yes, sah, and 
 what would the young lady take, &c." They are the queerest beings, 
 but I am not going to make this a black chapter anyhow. We had a 
 nice suite of apartments looking out on to the Broadway the Broad 
 way ! that once I heard Henry Russell, or some one else say, was fifty 
 miles long by five wide, or something equally approaching the truth. 
 (My Yankee readers will here say, " He ll be pitching into our Broadway, 
 you ll see !") 
 
 Looking on the Broadway from the hotel windows, the most remark 
 able of remarkables thereon are the omnibuses ; looking from the street 
 
A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 itself, the irregularity and unequalness of the buildings first strike the 
 eye. (" Go it, stranger!") All the tops of the omnibuses are white, and 
 this being a hottish morning, numbers of them had large umbrellas, 
 under which the driver sat. They (the omnibuses) have no conductor, 
 each passenger, on entering, pays through a hole in the roof. Six cents 
 will take you anywhere the " bus" goes ; but you can t ride outside 
 anyhow there are no fittings for that luxury. Everybody hang their 
 heads and arms out of the windows, and look very hot, and the equine 
 progress is nearly as rapid as our own institution of that ilk at home. 
 Lucille amused herself, one entire morning, in sketching the drivers 
 hats ! If hats are not liable to duty, I shall bring home a box full of 
 specimens for presentation to my numerous low-comedian friends. I 
 have said our windows faced the Broadway, and snugly seated at one of 
 the said windows, I chronicled my first impressions of the frequenters 
 of the said Broadway. 
 
 From nine until twelve, the street seems well filled with a well- 
 dressed number of people, evidently out for shopping purposes ; 
 carriages are numerous (when I say carriages, I mean vehicles New 
 York is not yet quite Paris, London, Dublin, or St. Petersburg, in the 
 matter of carriages) ; crinoline moderate, and cash evidently plenty. 
 This crowd, panorama-like, passes away, and from twelve to three the 
 street is comparatively deserted, which fact renders the appearance of 
 individuals more interesting. This appearance generally shapes itself 
 in that of man ; few of the softer sex making their appearance at this 
 time of day ; hence, one would imagine I should have little to say 
 respecting dress, manners, &c., &c. Not so. New York, just now, is 
 full of strangers and visitors ; thence comes my first cause for exclama 
 tion (my pet one, stolen from never mind whom), " Great Nature !" 
 
 Americans in New York, unlike Englishmen in London, are to be 
 " counted up" by the cut of their clothes. It would be no easy matter 
 for the cleverest of cockneys to say correctly, " That is a Yorkshire 
 gentleman, that an Irish, that a Scotch, or Welsh," though he would, 
 without difficulty, " spot" a Frenchman, or German ; but your New 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 29 
 
 Yorker will " guess" the birthplace of every one of his own countrymen 
 he meets on Broadway, and, at the present time of writing, my ex 
 perience having enlarged itself since first jotting down these notes, I 
 think I could do, two out of five. Five ! yes, dear reader, Jive. How 
 many sorts, in the name of wonder, are there ? 
 
 Well, I don t know, but I ll give you a few of them. There are the 
 Down Easters (Bostonites), Connecticut Yankees, Southerners (Kentuck- 
 ians), the F. F. Vs. South Carolinians and North do. (supposed to be 
 the meanest people in the world), Georgians, Pennsylvanians, Creoles, 
 Louisianians, Alabaraas, Mississipians, New Jerseyites, Texans, Cali- 
 fornians, Pike s Peak rowdies, the Illinois, and Indiana suckers, to say 
 nothing of the Bowery bo-hoys and ga-hals, and Broadway swells, cum 
 multis aliis all differing as widely in character and costume as a Kaffir 
 from a Christian. This motley lot usually condense themselves inside 
 the ground-floor windows, and outside and around the doors of Hotels, 
 Boarding Houses, &c., ever and anon taking a stroll down and up the 
 Broadway to stretch their legs, and stare any stray pretty girl out of 
 countenance. They, however, are not worse in that line than our own 
 Club Loafers ; indeed, the first named are, perhaps, the better of the 
 twain. These, about four o clock, become mingled with a rapidly 
 
 increasing crowd of well of females. (Holloa, stranger, draw it mild !) 
 
 I arrived in New York, you must bear in mind, in May, 1859, and 
 at that time A fashion existed of wearing an extent of hoops and 
 crinoline, perfectly ludicrous ; I do not hesitate to say that had one of 
 these ladies appeared in one of our English towns, the gamins would 
 have had a fine chance ; however, time has passed, and so in a great 
 measure has the enormity of this folly, but at the time of which we 
 are inditing, there it was, in all its greatness, and Broadway was 
 enveloped in the garments of Beauty. 
 Are the American ladies handsome ? 
 
 Well, I guess I have been in a good many countries " where Beauty most 
 doth dwell," and I was never so struck with woman s face before ; but 
 (hang those " buts") there are two sorts of beauty on Broadway the beauty 
 
30 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 of Nature and the beauty of Art, and my mental exclamations of, " What 
 a beautiful girl ! " What a well made-up woman !" will explain all 
 that is necessary. Ladies no longer possessed of the bloom of youth, 
 and with little claim to maturer charms, go in at the hare s-foot, puff, 
 paint pot, pearl powder, and Indian ink, with Vestris-like skill, and 
 the uninitiated are dumbfoundered at their brilliance. We of the Green 
 room (ahem !) know it at a glance however, the loveliness of American 
 women, " without paint," is an institution of itself, and I bow at its 
 shrine. 
 
 Broadway is misnamed it should rather have been called Longwaj, 
 for the pavements are narrow, and the road in no part more than 40ft. 
 or 50ft. wide. The shops, or stores as they are called, are magnificent 
 in appearance ; there is nothing in Regent-street equal to numbers in 
 Broadway. I propose, before I shut my book, describing the cost and 
 method of building a marble store. 
 
 Who, that is theatrically inclined or acquainted, has not heard and 
 read of the name of Brough ? Alas ! one of that name, since my return to 
 England, has by his death caused many an enemy to the Profession 
 and Professional writers, to point the finger of unchristian contempt at 
 Professional want of thrift, Professional carelessness of the morrow, 
 Professional dislike to purchasing the Provisional Parachute for the 
 Professional rainy day. 
 
 With William Brough, of Brooklyn s special permission, I beg to 
 introduce him to you, reader. William Brough, uncle to the " Brothers 
 Brough" a naturalised Yankee, and confirmed Englishman, withal a 
 good fellow, called on me soon after we arrived ; Jacobus had written to 
 him, as being one thoroughly "posted" in all theatrical matters, and 
 
 who would, and could, put me in the path to fame, and winning my 
 
 wager. I found him a treat ; full of anecdote, fond of Whisky in 
 moderation, and awfully addicted to Gout. We went into business as 
 quickly as possible. I found that New York, as far as theatricals 
 were concerned, was rapidly going out of town, and dull as the pro 
 verbial ditch-water. There was but one theatre " The Metropolitan" (now 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 31 
 
 called the Winter Garden), where we could get an appearance, which 
 we shortly arranged with the then lessee, Mr. C., to take place on 
 Monday, May 22nd. 
 
 We were to take half the house after the deduction of a certain sum 
 for expenses. And here, oh my English brethren and followers, let 
 me warn you, should the insanity of supposing you can do better in 
 America than in your own country, seize upon your disordered mind, 
 and you follow your bent, beware of " sharing houses." Be you clever as 
 you may, be your Houses, as they should be " All orders, my dear 
 Sir," or " Madam," will be the manager s response to all pecuniary 
 inquiries. You have no redress, no alternative, but to take what he 
 gives you ; and if you are independent, throw up the engagement, or if 
 otherwise, play upon the same complimentary terms. 
 
 We played on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday to average houses 
 in my own operetta, All s Fair in Love and War, Delicate Ground, 
 Perfection, and Loan of a Lover. We were called each night, and my 
 Epilogue met with a most flattering reception, but (oh, those buts 
 again !) the Press, to a man, cut me up apropos of which, I must 
 narrate a little incident. On the first night after I had played in the 
 operetta, and Delicate Ground, feeling myself somewhat dry, I went 
 round to a restaurant, near the Theatre, and while imbibing a 
 " cocktail" the following question and answer met my ears, and at once, 
 amused and disgusted me : 
 
 " Have you been into the Met ? I hear this Captain is not so bad." 
 
 " Not I," spoken thickly ; " I m not going to write critiques upon 
 Amateurs. I guess he won t get much out of me." 
 
 In a few moments an acquaintance came in and forthwith introduced 
 me to the last speaker, " Mr. Wiggins, of The Trumpeter newspaper." 
 Mr. W., looked stupidly surprised, and did publish a critique the 
 reverse of complimentary hinc ilia lachrymce " fair play is a jewel, but 
 not Mr. W s motto. " The General," a leading paper, did me the 
 honor of criticising me as follows. The italics are my own. 
 
 " Captain Price announces himself as an Amateur, very unwisely, 
 we think, as he is not good enough player to overbalance that Amateur 
 impression, and the really good points of acting he developes are lost 
 
32 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 sight of by an audience prepared to expect crudeness and less than 
 
 mediocrity In certain parts of his playing of Citizen Sangfroid 
 
 he deserves warm applause, and receives it." 
 
 " Captain Morton Price obeyed an enthusiastic call at the conclusion 
 of the piece, and spoke a witty and novel Epilogue, which was well 
 received. However, playgoing folk are a little shy of amateurs, &c., &c." 
 Tribune. 
 
 Turn we now to more pleasanter matter. Lucille became a favorite 
 with her audience the moment she appeared, and succeeded in eliciting 
 from some of the coldest houses we had the misfortune to play to, un- 
 mistakeable applause. Feeling, in the ignorance of our hearts, that we 
 had made a success, we invested any number of cents in the purchase 
 of newspapers. Judge then of the state of my appetite when I perused 
 such ill-natured and discrepant notices as the following * 
 
 " The gentleman cannot be said to possess brilliant histrionic talents, 
 but he is an exceedingly pleasing, agreeable actor, and sings with much 
 taste. The lady is decidedly clever, and cannot fail becoming a great 
 favorite." Again, " The Captain obeyed a unanimous complimentary 
 call, and thereupon spoke an amusing doggrel Epilogue, which excited 
 great attention and applause ; in the main he did not hit. " 
 
 In justice to my fair coadjutor, I will here extract the following 
 compliment to herself from the Express : 
 
 " Miss Lucette is an artist of extraordinary promise ; she is very 
 young, very pretty a pure English blonde, with a mass of that 
 peculiar blonde hair so seldom seen in perfection in this country, and 
 quite natural and unaffected in her acting. The Tribune was right in 
 saying that she made the most perfect success achieved here for many 
 years by an English actress." 
 
 On the Wednesday night I ventured to inquire what the business was 
 like ; and received for my reply, " No money !" I asked my informant, 
 who was my friend Brough, to " be kind enough to say that again," and 
 on his doing so, " Up sticks !" was the order ; and without our illus 
 trious names in the bills, the honorable lessee played to empty benches 
 for the remainder of the week, and was obliged to shut up shop. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 33 
 
 Such was the ending of our beginning "flat, stale, and unprofitable" 
 very ; and I should have been off to try other fields but for a little 
 accident, which I will here narrate, for the (as usual) benefit of all whom 
 it may concern. 
 
 When I left Boston, I distinctly remember placing a 50 Bank of 
 England Note in my writing-desk, keeping in my pocket-book suffi 
 cient for travelling and current expenses. Three weeks since then, 
 had now elapsed, and my Hotel Bill was presented, which amounted to 
 three hundred and eighty-eight dollars. Gemini ! seventy-seven 
 pounds sterling, for three persons and a servant for three weeks, taking 
 all our meals at the table d hote with the 01 TTO\\OI. Turn back for the 
 name of the Hotel, reader, and " wben found, make a note of it." 
 However, I thought I might just have enough to clear out, when after 
 a minute search (during which, palpitation of the heart predominated) in 
 every nook and -corner of the said desk, I discovered that my only 
 friend, the 50 note, had vanished ! Without communicating the sad 
 bereavement to our little circle, I immediately went to the office, and 
 inquired for one of the numerous proprietors of the Hotel, who ap 
 peared in the form of a half man, half boy (what I have heard termed a 
 hobble-de-hoy), a boy in years and countenance a man in dress and 
 impudence ; and having explained the circumstances, stating that I 
 could get any amount I wanted from England by return mail, I was 
 cut short with, " Well, I guess you had better look up your friends (my 
 friends /), get the dollars right away, and clear out." Indignant at this 
 sucking landlord s impertinence, I requested him to send his largest 
 relative to me, which having done, and obtaining from him a modified, 
 yet sufficiently annoying, answer, I forthwith sought the countenance 
 of my friend Brough, who, in an interview with the assembled half 
 dozen proprietors, offered to go security for the amount himself being 
 a householder and owner of property in Brooklyn. This was refused, 
 and my monkey being thoroughly roused, their Yankee landlordships 
 got such a wordy warming, as they have not yet forgotten, and Captain 
 Morton Price is a thorn in their side to this day, as he promised to be. 
 This matter was clinched by my giving them a cheque on my English 
 bankers, and depositing in their hands tangible property to the value of 
 some three times the amount of their abominable bill. 
 
84 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 My revenge came, when, some four weeks after, the cheque being 
 duly honoured, they had to return the goods and chattels, and their rival 
 landlords in the city had a hearty laugh at the over-smartness of the 
 Messrs. Lowband. 
 
 During our stay of some seven weeks in New York, of course I had 
 much time to study the ways, means, habits and haunts of nearly every 
 grade of society, but as Fate ordained that I was to return to New York, 
 and spend a yet longer period amid the turmoil of the overgrown young 
 Mammoth, I reserve what I fear will be a lengthy notice (my gracious ! 
 New York is a great place !) until I get back again, and hurry my 
 reader on (hurrah !), who is anxious to know what I did next ? 
 
 Well, next but wait a bit ; I have one little anecdote to relate, 
 
 before we leave New York, yet. A certain (or, as the sequel proved, an 
 uncertain) Dr. Ward having been engaged during some twelve years of 
 his existence in writing, and getting written, composing and having 
 composed, an opera, unfortunately for us just as we were preparing for 
 our northern flight, arrived at its termination and his determination of 
 its represenfafaVm for the gratification of his friends, and a donation 
 towards a Fund for the Rescue of Certain Lands, Hereditaments, &c., 
 y clept Mount Vernon, wherein are supposed to repose the mortal remains 
 of, I believe, the immortal Washington (upon my word I am not sure) he, 
 Ward (not Washington) had heard and seen Lucille in our operetta, and 
 immediately conceived that she, in conjunction with Miss Lucy Escott, and 
 a Miss Adelaide Phillips (three prima donnas !) would form a galaxy of 
 talent that must carry the thing " right away" It seems that Miss 
 Phillips and all the gentlemen engaged (among the latter was one 
 Dr. Guilmette) I 1 merely mention this that should a certain celebrated 
 English tenor chance to read this he may know that his Homoeo 
 pathic adviser still liveth, and his iniquities are known to the writer, 
 had long since been well up in the music of this Doctor s opera, 
 and of course they were far ahead of Lucille in the business ; 
 however, after some demur, the latter agreed to get up in it in con 
 sideration of 50 dols. per night, for three nigbts certain. The time came, 
 the house was three parts full, the opera was played, Lucille obtained 
 the only two encores in the evening ; the Doctor was called, the curtain 
 rose, and the whole Corps Operatique were discovered en tableau. The 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 3o 
 
 Doctor made a speech, in which he thanked the entire company indi 
 vidually from first to last, the big drum and the call-boy, and omitted 
 Lucille ! I was standing at the wing nearly suffocating with rage, 
 the Doctor was bowing himself off, the curtain was about to descend, 
 
 the audience were applauding, the well, I don t know how she did 
 
 it, but when I had done winking and rubbing my eyes, there she stood, 
 Lucille stood, curtseying to her audience, and apparently, with her finger 
 and thumb screwing a small piece of earthly clay out of the wonder- 
 stricken Doctor s sinister arm, she said, " Doctor, you have forgotten me . " 
 
 A whirlwind of applause followed this pithy reminder ; the Doctor, 
 speechless with surprise, looked on bewildered, as, turning to the audi 
 ence, the young lady (whom I didn t think could have cried, " Boh ! to a 
 goose") said 
 
 " Ladies and Gentlemen, I have had but a few days to get up in 
 the music of this opera, and I should be sorry indeed to think that 
 the Doctor s silent condemnation of my endeavours should meet with 
 your approval." 
 
 No occasion to say more, thought I ; and none there was, I never 
 heard a more decided negative to an opinion, than was given by 
 that audience to that Doctor. The Press took it up on the following 
 day, and I cannot refrain from giving one or two quotations from 
 some of the leading papers : 
 
 " Miss Lucette, in Dr. Ward s speech after the opera, was passed over 
 unnoticed (whether intentionally or accidentally we know not), whilst 
 the composer complimented the different artists ; but in our humble 
 opinion no one contributed more to the enjoyment of the audience 
 than this clever girl, who sang her part charmingly, and whose sweet 
 voice and fascinating style were among the chief attractions of the 
 evening." Dispatch. 
 
 " After the opera the composer was called before the curtain, aud 
 thanked the various performers for the interest they had taken in the 
 production of his work. He quite forgot to say a good word for Miss 
 Lucette, whose performance was one of the most interesting features 
 of the evening, so that energetic young lady made a pretty little 
 speech on her own account, and the Doctor then repaired his neglect 
 
36 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 by publicly acknowledging his indebtedness to her, and the audience 
 dispersed in the best possible humour." Leader. 
 
 Some of the papers were even more severe, and whether owing to 
 this little contretemps, or that the success of the opera was equivocal, 
 I know not, but it was withdrawn, and though we and others stayed 
 a whole fortnight in New York solely on Dr. Ward s account, that 
 gentleman refused point-blank to pay any of the artists more than one 
 night s salary. No redress, no satisfaction, no anything, but to grin and 
 bear it ; so that had I been engaged in its representation, I should have 
 had to have scored a loss ; as it was, no great harm was done as regarded 
 my wager; Lucille pocketed the 50 dols., and we turned our thoughts 
 upon packing up and departing. 
 
 This anecdote 1 have related that unbelievers may have their faith 
 in American encouragement of English artists somewhat shaken, and 
 to warn them of the necessity of having their salary, or at least 
 one half of it, in advance. 
 
 After having seen as much as I could afford to see of New York, and 
 made notes thereon for your benefit, good reader, and my conscience, 
 and my funds having been recruited, and my second Hotel bill 
 being paid, apropos, of which I beg to state that I can recom 
 mend No. 767, Broadway, the European Hotel, kept by some people 
 (a cross between French and German, and very worthy withal). 
 No pretension outside (the House, I mean), but most comfortable within, 
 Mr. Hartmann, the proprietor, is a very fair artist, and has a Studio, on 
 Broadway, leaving the feminine portion of the establishment to take 
 care of the same, and to those ladies, mother and daughter, I here 
 tender my mite of gratitude for their uniform kindness to our party 
 during our sojourn at No. 767 ; and having determined on my route, 
 we started for Boston " bock agin" by steam-boat this time, our desti 
 nation being Quebec, and a pleasant trip we had to Portland, part of 
 the way by water, the rest by land. 
 
 Brough accompanied us to Boston, and with him I left the manu 
 script of an entertainment* (my first attempt at anything of the kind), 
 
 * The Double Courtship, which, though trifling in construction, was lucky 
 enough to draw for us audiences, of various sorts and sizes, at more than eighty 
 representations. M. P. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 37 
 
 which I had employed my leisure moments in New York in writing, 
 thinking that from what I had seen and heard of American reception 
 of, and encouragement to, English talent (ahem !) in legitimate Drama, 
 I might stand a better chance in Halls and Concert Rooms than in 
 Theatres. This Entertainment, however, was either not printed, or did 
 not reach us, until we arrived at Montreal, and many blessings did our 
 friend Brough and his printer get from the lips and hearts of Lucille 
 and myself, for the delay. 
 
88 A THEATRICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 QUEBEC. 
 
 QUEBEC is a city built on a rock, &c., &c,, (vide Handbook), and a 
 mighty tall rock, too, only about 350 feet above the level of the river. 
 How on earth Wolfe and his army ever got up to the top is a wonder. 
 No man with any other name could have done it, I believe. However, 
 any one who wishes to know, when and how, and where it was done, 
 wont get any information from me, for lots of writers, ere now, have 
 described (from each other s descriptions) all about it, and having myself 
 read it, and wrote it so very early in life, that I have totally forgotten 
 all the principal parts of the performance, I will omit the History of 
 Quebec, and continue my own. 
 
 We went by steamer from Boston to Portland, a dreadfully dismal, 
 unfinished sea-port town, " way down in Main," withal the eastern 
 terminus of the Grand Trunk Railway, and the talked-of destination of 
 that floating Mammoth, the " Great Eastern" steamship, though what 
 on earth, or rather water, she ll do when she gets there, no one can 
 opine ; there are no warehouses for her merchandise, and no hotels 
 for her passengers. However, that sensible body of gentlemen, mis 
 named her directors, I suppose know best, though an intelligent Yankee 
 told me " there was no reason on airth why she shouldn t go to New 
 York, as there was water enough in the Hudson to float " six such as 
 she," and deducting the odd five, I believe him. 
 
 We had our first experiences of the Grand Trunk Railway from this 
 place to Quebec, or rather to Point Levi, and they did not please us ; 
 but as railway travelling is the same all over Canada, I will describe it 
 elsewhere, and my readers must be content, for the present, to embark 
 with us in a rickety old steamer, to cross, for the first time, the great 
 St. Lawrence River, which between Point Levi and Quebec is some 
 three miles wide. 
 
 It was nearly nine in the evening when we drove up to the door of 
 Russell s Hotel, having been thither recommended by Brough ; and 
 weary, dirty, aching in every bone, Lucille, for the first time since 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 39 
 
 starting, in an execrable humour for her Stocks (my man), perfectly 
 used up with tobacco-smoke, dust, and his endeavours to " keep things 
 straight" we looked forward to a " cumfy" supper, and a ten-hour turn- 
 in with unmitigated pleasure. 
 
 Judge ye our intense misery on being informed that they were all 
 full ! and they wouldn t or couldn t tell you where to go. Lucille was 
 looking really ill. 
 
 " Would the ladies like to sit in the drawing-room ?" 
 " Of course, they would anywhere ;" and to the drawing-room they 
 went, while the wretched Stocks and I hunted up the town for quarters, 
 which we at last found in an Americau House. The landlord was not 
 to be found ; but his deputy, a dissipated-looking cross between a 
 billiard-marker and a pot-boy showed me some comfortable apartments, 
 which I instantly secured, ordered supper, fetched Lucille, who I found 
 undergoing the agony of being stared out of countenance by the assem 
 bled female portion of the Russell-House boarders ; and after worrying 
 some hard-boiled eggs, and some soft-boiled chickens, we all tumbled 
 in, tired to death. 
 
 ****** 
 
 We are at breakfast bad coffee, bad eggs, bad everything, but our 
 temper which having been so bad over-night, could not well be worse, 
 is of the twain, improved. Besides, we are in Canada our own 
 country, her Majesty s dominions, and feel ourselves Englishmen again. 
 We shall have respect shown us, and our rooms to ourselves. 
 
 Shall we ? 
 
 " Guess you ll find these rooms pretty comfortable !" 
 
 Now there was no reason why anyone should " guess" otherwise, from 
 outward appearances, therefore the " guess" causing a simultaneous 
 clatter of dropped knives and forks, and an ejaculation of " Gracious !" 
 may at first cause surprise. Read on. We had been indulging in a good 
 loud laugh at Lucille s sudden discovery that what looked outwardly a 
 good egg, inwardly wasn t, when like nothing else in language, this 
 question, (or rather assertion, for " guessing" has a different meaning 
 here to that which Walker assigns it), burst upon us, and, raising our 
 eyes, red with tears of merriment, we saw an individual. Yes, an un 
 invited individual, seated on a cbair near the door, his legs stretched to 
 
40 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 their full extent over the carpet, and arms, ditto, into the pockets of 
 the encasement of said legs. 
 
 After a slight pause, and unflinching sustainment of the concentrated 
 gaze of three pairs of astonished eyes, the guessing individual repeated 
 his guess, adding however emphatically, " Darn d sight comfortabler 
 than you d have got down t har /" (with a kick of his right leg towards 
 the door a wink of his right eye, and jerk of his right thumb over his 
 right shoulder, simultaneously aiding and abetting the same.) 
 
 Twas the landlord, a shock-headed, shocking ugly, shabby-looking 
 Yankee. 
 
 " Landlord, I suppose," I said, politely. 
 
 " Guess I am," (moving himself and chair, and taking np position 
 immediately on my left flank, and nodding to the ladies, who were 
 rapidly getting " used up" in their efforts to restrain a roar). 
 
 " Well now, have you concluded to stay ?" 
 
 " That depends upon circumstances," I replied. 
 
 " Twelve dollars be too much ?" 
 
 "A day?" 
 
 A nod. 
 
 " Well, rather !" 
 
 " Piano," (a jerk towards something like a shut-up Bagatelle Board.) 
 " Ladies play, I guess." 
 
 " Oh, yes, so do I." I replied, rising, ostensibly to try the instru 
 ment, but really to escape the monster s breath rum and onions ! Awful ! 
 
 " Wretchedly out of tune," passing my fingers over the old-dog s- 
 teeth-like-looking-ivory. 
 
 " Well now, that s odd. My darter plays on it first-rate that s 
 a fact !" 
 
 " You have daughters, have you ?" asked Lucille. 
 
 " He er, Sa-rah (pronounced Sa-rare), come up !" shouted this strange 
 mortal, without moving from his chair. 
 
 Sarah didn t require telling to " Come up" for she was " up" already, 
 and eame in, iustanter; and pertly nodding to the paity collectively, 
 sat herself down on the sofa, her hoop flying up as she did so, 
 and displaying her legs as high as where her garters ought to have 
 been, but were not. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 41 
 
 " Piano out of time ?" said the father. 
 
 * Sure, I don t know," replied the daughter, with a toss of the head, 
 and staring Lucille out of countenance. 
 
 Seeing impudence in the daughter s face and ignorance in the father s, 
 I thought it time to send in a shot, so said, " Ah ! you are not the one 
 who plays." 
 
 " Don t know no other," was the response. 
 
 " Well, then," I said, shutting up the instrument, " were I your 
 music master, I should teach you the difference between in and out of 
 tune that is, if you have any ear for music. If you have, as I am 
 bound to suspect, none, I wouldn t teach you at all." 
 
 The young lady transferred the favour of her stare to me, and rising in 
 rage, said to her respected parent, " If you want me, I m down stairs !" 
 
 (Exit Sa-rare.) 
 
 " Guess you ve riled the young woman. She s terrible high she is," 
 half soliloquized the parent. " But touching them dollars ?" he imme 
 diately inquired. 
 
 The ladies by this time were fairly embarked in one uncontrollable 
 fit of laughter, and retired under plea of unpacking. 
 
 A bargain (?) eventually was struck for 11 dols. a day, and the use of 
 the Bagatelle that is, Piano, to be tuned at landlord s expense. 
 
 We had scarcely shaken ourselves into our places, when Captain 
 Bayly, of the Canadian Rifles, was announced, and in he came, his 
 merry face illuminating the dingy room with a temporary ray of 
 comic sunshine. Those of my readers who remember him on board 
 the outward-bound ship, will imagine how glad we were to find him in 
 Quebec. He had only lately been transferred with his Company from 
 Toronto. In less than no time it was arranged that he should assist 
 us on our " First appearance in Canada ;" but how, and in what, re 
 quired great consideration. The number of plays, in which there 
 are but three or four characters, is so limited, and our stock comprising 
 only Delicate Ground, and another (my Entertainment had not yet 
 arrived from Boston, and even had it, we could not have made it 
 available), I was perforce obliged to consent to write something " right 
 away" in which the varied talent of Lucille, the Captain, and myself 
 might be exhibited. Ten days, I thought, would suffice for the execution 
 
42 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 of our project, for puffing, posting, and all other proclamation of 
 our arrival and intentions. My peregrinations in and around, and 
 experiences of, Quebec during that time, I will briefly record. 
 
 Quebec is at all times a dull-looking place, excepting when some 
 political row breaks out, which is but of rare occurrence, and unfortu 
 nately nothing of the kind took place while I was there, therefore, I 
 have no excitement to chronicle. Driving to Lorette, misnamed an 
 Indian village, for the Indians therein all speak French, and dress-like 
 the denizens of a mining district in England, the Falls of Mont- 
 morenci (which are fully described by writers better able to do it than 
 1 am*) and other sights within reasonable distance, playing at Bowls 
 (there s a capital Alley opposite Russell s Hotel, kept by a very civil 
 fellow, named Bellereve, and much patronised by the officers of the 
 Garrison), or Rackets (there s a tolerably good court, barring its 
 being made of wood, adjoining the Bowling Alley, but of which you 
 must be made a member, honorary or otherwise, before you can play), 
 exploring the citadel and its cavernous communications, (which you 
 can t do without you know somebody who can give you leave), or 
 listening to the band of the 39th, then quartered in Quebec, now in 
 Bermuda, playing in what is called the Governor s Gardens, (very unlike 
 most governor s gardens, unless indeed it be those of that stern governor 
 mentioned in the doleful ditty of " Villikins and his Dinah,") com 
 prised the whole of my day-time pastime. The kindness of some of 
 the officers procured me many a dinner, not at my own expense, at 
 the city and elsewhere, and a game at Loo, or rubber of Whist, was a 
 real treat ; especially on one occasion, which, as a detail of the same 
 may be of use to beginners at the last-named charming game, I must 
 here narrate. I was one evening playing Whist at the Artillery mess. 
 Our party consisted of Lieut. Smith, Captain Brown, Major Robinson, 
 and myself. During the evening I had opportunities of discovering 
 that I knew more about the game than my military friends. They 
 didn t think so, and my " asking for trumps was looked upon as a 
 downright " questio vexata" a non-permissible declaration a " do." 
 I thought of the time it had taken me to learn how to do it. I thought 
 of the looks, the laughs, the lashings I had received from thee, oh, 
 
 * " Weld s Vacation Tour in the United States and Canada," I recommend. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 43 
 
 " Ingenui vultus puer !" my early instructor in the art of taking tricks, 
 
 my honor-able friend, I thought of but it was no use thinking. I cast 
 
 a w(/i)istful glance upon mine enemies, and kept my high cards in and 
 played my low ones out aye, with king, queen, and lots of little ones. 
 Well, the night was gone and morning waned, when the Major being 
 my opponent and dealer got confused as to where he had dealt last. 
 He immediately commenced to count the cards left in his hands 
 undealt. The following dialogue resulted between us : 
 
 I. " Major, you can t do that." 
 
 MAJOR. "I beg your pardon, I can. (Da Capo with voluntary 
 and involuntary variations, the whole strength of the assembled 
 chorus assisting the Major, my bar being a solo, my partner not 
 succeeding in making it, as he ought to bave done, a duetto). 
 
 I. " I ll bet you anything you like about it." 
 
 MAJOR. " What will you bet ?" 
 
 I. " I ll lay you ten pounds to five." 
 
 MAJOR. " Done !" (dealing on). " Perhaps (with a wink to chorus), 
 you would like to have a little more about it?" 
 
 I. (getting savage) " Certainly, I will ; but you musn t deal !" 
 
 MAJOR (coolly) " Musn t I ? Why ?" (turning up the trump). 
 
 I. Because, unless iny partner plays dummy, you can t finish the 
 game. I shall not play any longer with players quite ignorant of the 
 laws of the game." 
 
 MAJOR. " Oh, are we ? Gentlemen, it is high time to leave off." 
 
 I. " High time." 
 
 MAJOR. " Perhaps you would like to lay a little more ?" 
 
 I. (thoroughly roused) " I ll lay you fifty pounds to ten !" 
 
 MAJOR, (wonderfully self-possessed) " Thank you, you shall. Won t 
 you play the game out ?" 
 
 I. " Certainly not." 
 
 MAJOR. " Then we claim the rubber!" (Pleasant laughter). 
 
 I. " Claim as you like, sir, but not until you have proved me wrong." 
 
 MAJOR. " I somehow think that will soon be done. But first, to 
 prove how little I think of your chance of being right, I will lay you an 
 even hundred pounds I win the bets already made." 
 I. " You are positive ; so am I. Done ! 
 
44 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 Voice at my elbow, " What a fool you are, the Major knows 
 everything." 
 
 I. " Does he ? He doesn t look like it !" (Sotto voce). 
 Pen, ink, and paper are produced in no time. I find my name 
 appended to a document assigning away from myself and heirs the sum 
 of one hundred and sixty pounds to a party I never saw before, or heard 
 of, and Major R. s ditto, ditto, from himself and heirs the sum of one 
 hundred and fifty pounds to my use and benefit, should said party be 
 wrong, on the other. 
 
 Well, thus much being settled to the Major s satisfaction, I was 
 presently called on to name my referee or umpire. I, without hesita 
 tion, gave the name of Mr. P , one of the best esteemed names on 
 
 the British Turf, and one I had often heard mentioned in Whist 
 disputes, and with whom I was slightly acquainted personally. A shout 
 was raised at this of " Why not name Ccelebs, or the Portland Club ; 
 ive never heard of Mr. P " 
 
 This last assertion from a party professing Whist was too much, and 
 fairly losing my temper, I shouted rather than exclaimed, * Not know 
 
 never heard of George P ? Then, gentlemen, all I have to 
 
 say is, I will argue no more. I leave the decision of the bets, as far as 
 I am concerned, to him and no other. Name your umpire, Major, and 
 I am off." 
 
 MAJOR. " I name the Portland Club." 
 
 " Very good," was my reply ; and so would have ended a simple 
 dispute with a simple wager, but that suddenly, and from whence I 
 know not, a book was put before my eyes, in which I read the following : 
 
 "Misdeal 10. 
 
 " The dealer may not touch the cards upon the table to ascertain an 
 error ; but he is not prohibited from counting theundealt cards." 
 
 This was betting (as they thought) on a certainty, with a vengeance ! 
 And this I, perhaps, somewhat too hotly, remarked upon. 
 
 I saw triumph in the Major s face dismay in those who had secretly 
 hoped that the Major did not " know everything." I saw an " odd 
 trick" being played, and in I went to win. 
 
 " You had the pull of me in having possession, and knowing the 
 contents of this book," I said, glaring round. " Now, if any of you 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 45 
 
 have Pec (an old Eton word, signifying money) and pluck enough to 
 double the bet of a hundred pounds even, I will say Done ! " again, to 
 it ; and that (a snap of my fingers) for Coelebs, and those who back his 
 authority !" 
 
 No response. They thought me a greater or less fool than themselves ; 
 couldn t make up their minds ; and, I suppose, gave me the benefit 
 (though as things happened, they reaped it) of the doubt. 
 
 The wager was decided by the Portland Club, of which Ccelebs is a 
 member, in my favour, which decision was confirmed and approved by my 
 umpire. Mr. George P . 
 
 It w&sfive months before I got the money, but I got it then, and so 
 ended my first and last bet in Canada, on Whist. 
 
 There was a little Cricket going on also, and we occasionally went to 
 the Plains of Abraham to see the old English game played ; and now 
 and then, the representation reminded me of sunny "lords, "old Lans- 
 down, or the Canterbury meetings. There were handsome women, 
 fine-looking men, and lots to eat and drink a good Band, and 
 moderately good play ; nothing to go into fits about, but a sort of All 
 Muggleton melange. Altogether, one could find something to do, and 
 Quebec was bearable for the ten days we had to pass, before our first 
 " little go" in Canada came off. 
 
 Well, time rolled on, of course ; " Sa-rare" after many determined 
 efforts to introduce her hoops and legs into the sitting-room, at incon 
 venient hours, voted us " stuck-up Britishers," and kept herself to 
 herself, as far as we were concerned. Our landlord, after being asked 
 by me, one day when he sat in our presence for half-an-hour, with his 
 hat on, " If he had a cold in his head ?" never troubled us again ; so, 
 barring that we could get nothing fit to eat and drink, we were pretty 
 comfortable. I had heard nothing of my Boston publisher, or Mr. 
 Brough, so that we had given up all hopes of playing The Double 
 Courtship, and I had worked like a man at a vehicle for the introduc 
 tion of ourselves and Captain Bayly, and had finished, and entitled it, 
 A Country Managers Perplexities. The plot was far from original, but 
 the situations were startlingly new, and the dialogue of a most spirited 
 description at least, /thought so ; so did Lucille ; so did Bayly. Now 
 for a bill, I copy it in extenso, and think, for a maiden effort, it was not 
 a bad one. 
 
A THEATEICAL TKIP FOE A WAGER 
 
 MUSIC HALL, 
 
 ST. LEWIS STREET. 
 
 Has the honor to announce that he will commence his 
 
 tor 
 
 Imtelr 
 
 ON 
 
 IVI ON DAY EVENING 
 
 NEXT, JULY 25th, WITH A 
 
 anfo 
 
 AT THE MUSIC HALL, 
 
 In which he will be assisted by 
 
 MISS CATHARINE LUCETTE, 
 
 The youthful Prima Donna of Drury Lane, London, and 
 
 CAPTAIN BAYLY, 
 
 Of the Royal Canadian Rifles, well-known in Amateur Circles, as the " Primo Buffo" of the 
 celebrated A. B. C. Club, of which Captain Morton Price is the Founder. 
 
 The Entertainment will be under the immediate PATRONAGE of 
 
 Colonel Munro, C.B., Commandant, & the Officers of the Garrison ; 
 
 And by kind permission of the Commanding Officer, the 
 
 SPLENDID BAND OP THE 39th REGIMENT WILL ATTEND. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 47 
 
 The DOORS will open at A QUARTER before EIGHT, and the Overture to William Tell will be 
 
 commenced by The Band, at a quarter past, precisely. After which the Curtain will 
 
 rise upon an Impromptu Sketch, drawn in a great hurry by Captain Morton 
 
 Price, and entitled 
 
 "A COUNTRY MANAGER S PERPLEXITIES." 
 
 SIGNORA MARITANA BALFERINA, (a Prima Donna, Pretending to 
 
 Pretensions) Miss Catharine Lucette. 
 
 PROFESSOR HOPSKOTCH, a high-low comedian and rising young 
 
 Acrobat, pretending to do everything) Captain Bayly. 
 
 THE MANAGER, Slightly deranged, from ill management Captain Morton Price, 
 
 Who begs to assure " Ladies and Gentlemen" that there is no real cause for alarm in the 
 following apparently Alarming (considering the size of the Stage), Announcement, 
 
 During the Evening, Captain Bayly will introduce a Daring Feat of 
 
 EQUESTRIANISM, 
 
 Never before attempted in this Country III And in the Course of the entertainment > the 
 following SONGS, &c., will be sung : 
 
 LA BRINDISI, (from Traviata) Miss Catharine Lucette. 
 
 ECHO DUETT, (from Guy Mannering) Miss Lucette & Captain Price. 
 
 YILLIKINS, (Buffo Songs) Captain Bayly. 
 
 THERR BE NONE OF BEAUTY S DAUGHTERS (original) Captain Morton Price. 
 
 MA BELLE FRANCE (from La Fille du Regiment) Miss Lucette. 
 
 PART FROM THEE, NEVER (original) Miss Lucette & Captain Irice. 
 
 THE YOUNG MAN FROM THE COUNTRY (buffo) Captain Bayly. 
 
 EVER OF THEE, (ballad, 1y desire) Miss Catharine Lucette. 
 
 After which an OPERATIC SELECTION will be performed by THE BAND, 
 and the Evening Entertainment will conclude with a 
 
 MUSICAL MELANGE, 
 
 Ending with 
 "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN." 
 
 PRICES OF ADMISSION Keserved Seats (secured without extra charge . . ) 
 Double Tickets for Lady and Gentleman . . . . J 75 Ce nts. 
 
 Single Tickets 
 
 50 
 
 n 
 
 Centre Galleries 
 
 50 
 
 
 Side Galleries 
 
 25 
 
 ii 
 
 Tickets and Seats to be secured of Mr. Wheeler, at the Music Hall, of Mr. Russell 
 Russell s Hotel, Mr. Purdy, the Metropolitan Hotel, Fabrique Street, and at Mr. Sinclair s 
 
 VIVAT REGINA. 
 
 Quebec, July 21st, 1859. 
 
48 A THEATBICAL TEIP FOE A WAGER, 
 
 My posters had, of course, been out a long time, but side by side with 
 them were those of the " Parodi Opera Troupe," which were playing on 
 the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, before us, and on Tuesday and 
 Wednesday, after. This was decidedly a counter-attraction, and I was 
 horridly afraid that at our very onset we should have to write " failure." 
 A word or two here about the theatre, or more properly speaking, 
 " Music Hall," though, as either one or the other, it is a wretched con 
 trivance. The rent is 40 dols. a night (8 English), without a property 
 or assistance of any description, save that of a money-taker at night, 
 which is invariably embodied in the person of the man who has the 
 letting and charge of the Hall an arrangement which, on my second 
 visit to Quebec, I peremptorily declined, to the evident chagrin of said 
 person ; more of which anon. I hare now the pleasing task of recording 
 the great kindness of the Press generally of Quebec. Unlike that of 
 New York, they could see the possibility of a gentleman being an actor, 
 and their notices, before and after the performance, were couched in the 
 most generous terms. 
 
 I here extract, from the Chronicle : 
 
 tc By reference to our advertising columns, it will be seen that two- 
 stars have suddenly dropped upon the dramatic world of Quebec. A 
 Captain Morton Price and Miss Catharine Lucette, who propose giving 
 a dramatic and musical Entertainment in this city on Monday next, 
 under the patronage of the military. The Captain is an author, ama 
 teur actor, and composer of celebrity in England, and the young lady 
 made her debut, as prima donna, at Drury Lane, London, last spring, 
 and occasioned quite a sensation. A gallant officer of the Canadian 
 Piifles is also advertised to appear ; so, if our good folks need novelty 
 to draw them within the walls of the Music Hall, in good truth, they 
 have it now." 
 
 Night came ; few places had been secured, and it was with nervous 
 trepidation I, after dressing, reconnoitred the house through the thumb- 
 hole of the curtain. Joy ! It is all right ! The galleries filled, and 
 body of the hall filling fast. The band of the 39th, " by the kind per 
 mission of Colonel Munro," were in the orchestra, and the big drum 
 didn t beat louder than my heart, as I hurried to Lucille s dressing- 
 room, and bade her, " Be smart !" in all senses of the words. In ten 
 minutes we were at work. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 49 
 
 And thus spoke the Mercury : 
 
 " Giving the lady the precedence, we pronounce Miss Catharine 
 Lucette a most charming vocalist : her acting is graceful, lady-like, 
 and withal piquant. The Captain has a pleasing and extraordinary 
 high tenor voice, of which he is perfect master. As an actor, his cool 
 ness, knowledge of stage business, combined with great facial powers 
 and volubility of speech, place him beyond criticism as an amateur." 
 
 We had over 50 in the Hall, which is a " fine house" for Quebec. 
 This over, I turned my countenance towards Montreal, and after ascer 
 taining that there were no end of concert rooms, halls, and a theatre 
 therein, we did our packing, and found ourselves, in a few days, starting 
 from Point Levi, by an afternoon train (having cleverly missed the 
 morning one), for Longueil. The last-named place being to Montreal 
 what Point Levi is to Quebec, the twain being the termini of the railroad 
 from one to the other ; and each conveniently situated on the wrong side 
 of the water (the River St. Lawrence) that is, should you wish to visit 
 either of the cities, which the chances are you do, when you are 
 travelling for no other purpose. 
 
 Wood and water, water and wood, wretched hovels, squalid people, 
 dirty children, mangy pigs, and emaciated cattle are all you ll see in the 
 dreary length between the Scylla andCharybdis of Quebec and Montreal. 
 Not one cheering ray of excitement throughout the entire journey ; 
 therefore, having nothing else to write about, I will give you a descrip 
 tion of the train. 
 
 They are all the same throughout Canada and the United States ; 
 so peruse this carefully I shall treat of them no more. Our own 
 first-class carriages cannot be termed outwardly attractive ; but when 
 you open the door and look in, the interior is cosy, comfortable, 
 and almost luxurious. Those I am writing of are like large caravans, 
 some 40 feet long, and not like the English ones, divided into three 
 compartments. They have a door at each end, and a platform ; by 
 means of which you can pass from, to, and through every carriage in 
 the train ; your first peep into a moderately full one is not assuring of 
 comfort; very narrow, with passage down the centre, and seats accom 
 modating (?) two persons each side ; I have counted forty-four people in 
 
60 A THEATKICAL TKIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 one carriage. Their speed seldom attains the rate of 25 miles per hour. 
 The conductors generally are civil fellows, but fearfully off-hand a 
 manner engendered by the heterogeneous medley of mankind with 
 whom they have to treat and converse. They have a curious word of 
 command for summoning the passengers in and out of the trains viz., 
 "All aboard!" and "All ashore!" This, I discovered, after many 
 inquiries, originated in the fact that before the Grand Trunk Railroad 
 was invented, all traffic was by barges on the canals which formerly ex 
 tended almost the entire length, east and west, of Canada, and these were 
 the captains words of command ; and the said captains, oddly enough 
 being, in many cases, on the conclusion of the railroad, transmogrified 
 into railway guards and conductors, retained their nautical vocabulary. 
 Wood is used instead of coal, and the nuisance from the " smuts" is 
 intolerable. Oh, my friends ! female and otherwise bear in mind should 
 you travel these regions, take with you, as your constant companion, a 
 dark coloured wrap-rascal, of a texture similar to that worn by gentle 
 men on the Derby day. It will save you a mint of money in soaps and 
 garments folds into the smallest compass, and will not inconvenience 
 you with heat. Ladies should have a hood of the same. Never mind 
 the look of the thing ! Lucille s head, on one or two occasions, when 
 she took off her bonnet, reminded me of some illustrations I have seen 
 devised by certain " wonderful hair-dye" inventors as advertisements. 
 
 Another word of advice, while I m i the vein : always carry your own 
 larder and wine-cellar with you. You will get nothing to eat or drink 
 on the way, but the vilest of compounds, and no time to stow them. A 
 cup of tea, if you don t sit down to drink it, is 25 cents; aud a bottle 
 of beer ugh ! (Bass, Allsop, hear me !) 50 ditto. 
 
 As we neared our destination, a terrific thunder-storm overtook us ; 
 and never do I remember such lightning. The storm seemed to travel 
 with us, and whether we were really going faster than usual I know not, 
 but the sensation was that of being borne along by the powers of the 
 storm, independent of steam agency, while the combined noises of wind, 
 rain, and thunder, and. the rattling of the train itself were deafening. 
 Reader, you have dreamed what is beyond my power to describe ; so 
 have I. It was horrible ! The passengers were frightened. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 51 
 
 rf Say, stranger ! this licks anything you have seen in your country, 
 any way ?" 
 
 This remark came from a man of course, an American -just after a 
 flash had so blinded me, that I had to pass my hand across my eyes to 
 relieve the pain. 
 
 " Well," I answered, " I don t think I ever saw such lightning 
 in any country ; and I don t care ever to see it again. It is too close 
 to be pleasant." 
 
 "Yes, it s just sorter thing makes a fellar think thar s not much use 
 in dollars. Don t it, now ?" 
 
 (Curiously expressed, I thought, but good, notwithstanding.) 
 
 " Make a bad man wish he were a better one, may be," I said. 
 
 " Young lady frightened ?" he asked, in a rough-kind-way. 
 
 Rather." 
 
 " Tender critturs, women. No nation use in a storm. Thunder ! 
 Thar s a blinder ! We whips the world for storms, we does !" 
 
 I really think our companion considered that he had something to do 
 with the uproar of the elements, and was glorified thereby. 
 
 We ran through it, or it outran us in about half an hour, and a 
 glorious moon lit up the bright metal roofs of Montreal, as we steered 
 into the station ; and, having got there safely, so endeth this .Chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 MONTREAL. 
 
 MONTREAL, ladies and gentlemen, is an island, or rather, the city of 
 Montreal is situated on an island. The Rivers Ottowa and St. Lawrence 
 rolling their rival lengths on either side, with hands across at either 
 
62 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 end, in the shape of two estuaries, the names of which I never inquired, 
 so don t know. The city of Montreal, as viewed by me with one eye, 
 the other being under the influence of one of the before-mentioned 
 obnoxious " smuts," appeared a most unsatisfactory end unsatisfied sort 
 of a city. Unlike Quebec, the streets are well arranged and dreadfully 
 holy (N.B. there s a church or chapel in nearly all of them three- 
 fourths being Roman Catholic, the remainder, all sorts ; and McAdam 
 being wholly unknown). 
 
 The houses are large and small two factions in short ; no sliding-scale, 
 except in the winter months, which are seven in the twelve, when all 
 situations in Canada are slippery in the extreme. The principal hotels, of 
 which there are but two, are enormous edifices, the others mere pot-houses. 
 The principal streets, of which there are but two, are wide and hand 
 some, the rest mere lanes. The people, of whom there are but two, 
 the rich, holding high estate, the poor, holding nothing. There is 
 nothing middling in Montreal. One of the said two people, the 
 high, are dissatisfied that they can t be higher ; the other, the low, 
 are striving to be lower ; and it is probable that half a century will see 
 them attain their object. Mind you, all of the foregoing is not a one- 
 eyed view. Montreal is even more Frenchy than Quebec, and a 
 stranger finds it hard to imagine himself under the sovereignty of 
 H.G.M. the Queen. The magistrates, the merchants, and the money 
 lenders (who comprise the " upper Ten") are all French ; and the laws 
 are French, and the streets have got French names, and everybody 
 speaks. French. 
 
 We put up at the St. Lawrence Hall, a very fine hotel, or rather 
 boarding-house (there is no such thing as an hotel on this side of the 
 Atlantic ; and he who thinks to find one must make up his mind to 
 be a long-shore Flying Dutchman, or Wandering Jew. The proprietors, 
 Messrs. Hogan and Penn (since, Hogan solus, Penn having departed), 
 are first-class providers, for both passers-by and permanent lodgers. I 
 will here append a copy of the Bill of Fare, as presented for our 
 inspection a few days after our arrival : 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 
 
 53 
 
 SAINT LAWRENCE HALL, 
 
 THURSDAY, AUGUST 4th, 1859. 
 
 SOUP 
 
 Maccaroni, 
 
 
 ENTREES 
 
 Eoguet Canellas. Rognon Saute a Champagne. 
 
 
 Selmi de Canard. Beef Steak 
 
 & Oyster Sauce. 
 
 JOINTS 
 
 Roast Beef. Roast Venison. 
 
 Boiled Chicken. 
 
 
 Boiled Leg of Mutton. 
 
 Boiled Ham. 
 
 VEGETABLES 
 
 Potatoes. Turnips. 
 
 Parsnips. 
 
 
 Onions. Celery. 
 
 Beets. 
 
 PASTRY 
 
 Bread and Butter Pudding. 
 
 Apple Tarts. 
 
 
 Claret Jelly. Whipped Cream. 
 
 Mince Pies. 
 
 DESSERT .- 
 
 Fruit. Cakes. 
 
 &c., &c. 
 
 LIST OF WINES. 
 
 Madeira dols. 2.00 
 
 Do. superior 2.50 
 
 Do. East India 3.00 
 
 Sherry 2.00 
 
 Do. Pale 2.50 
 
 Do. superior 3.00 
 
 Port 2.00 
 
 Do. Sandeman 2.50 
 
 Do. very old 3.00 
 
 Champagne, English Moet, No. 1. . . 3.00 
 Do. do. pints . . 1.50 
 
 Do. do. No. 2 . . 2.50 
 
 Do. do. pints . . 1.25 
 
 Do. Heidseick 2.50 
 
 do. pints 1.25 
 
 Bouzy 2.50 
 
 do. pints 1.25 
 
 Imported expressly for 
 this establishment . . 3.00 
 
 Mumm s Cabinet 2.50 
 
 Mumm s Cabinet pints 1.25 
 Associates Verzeney .. 2.50 
 do. pints 1.25 
 Ruinart s 2.50 
 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 Do. 
 
 Champagne (Dry) Max Sauterne & 
 
 Co. Sillery dols. 2.50 
 
 Do. Max Sauterne & Co. Verzenay 2.50 
 Do. do. pints . . 1.25 
 
 Do. Clicquot s 2.50 
 
 Do. do. pints 1.25 
 
 Moselle, Sparkling 2.50 
 
 Do. Still 2.00 
 
 Hock, Sparkling 2.50 
 
 Do. Still 2.00 
 
 Claret, Vin Ordinaire 1.00 
 
 Do. St. Julien 1.50 
 
 Do. do. pints 0.75 
 
 Do: Chateau Margaux 2.50 
 
 Do. Battaillie 2.50 
 
 Do. Chateau Lafitte 3.00 
 
 Do. Sauterne 1.50 
 
 Johannesberg, Prince Metternich s 
 
 Cabinet Wine 4.00 
 
 Burgundy 3.00 
 
 Cider 0.75 
 
 Do. pints 0.37 
 
 Ale & Porter best brands 0.50 
 
 Do. do. pints 0.25 
 
 HOURS OF MEALS. 
 
 Breakfast from 8 to 10 o clock. I Dinner at Six o clock. 
 
 Lunch from One to Two o clock. Tea from Eight to Half-past Nine o clock. 
 
 Dinner at Two o Clock for those leaving by Afternoon Trains. 
 Dinner on SUNDAYS at Two o Clock Meals served in Rooms charged extra. 
 Children sitting at the Public Table will be charged full price. 
 
 NORDHEIMER S MUSIC HALL. 
 
 This Evening, Captain Morton Price and Miss Lucette will appear. 
 
 THE WAITERS ARE PROVIDED WITH CARDS AND PENCIL. 
 
54 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 Reads Englishy, doesn t it ? and would eat all right, too, but for the 
 messy American method of never letting you see the animal that is, 
 the joint of the animal, from which your " helping" is derived. A greasy 
 nigger, down in some hidden slum, cuts up, picks, pats, and presents 
 you with, in nine cases out of ten, the very fat, or lean, or raw, or over 
 done portion that you would have avoided had you witnessed the 
 operation. I do like to see my " pound of flesh" that s a fact. 
 
 To business. My readers will have observed that I had no agent in 
 advance. Indeed, I considered the terms of my agreement did not 
 comprehend my employing one ; and I was determined to avoid the 
 slightest ground for quibble or controversy of any kind. This, however, 
 was throughout my Canadian campaign, a serious drawback. It entailed 
 the necessity of a sojourn in the town I intended performing in of four 
 or five days, previously to opening ; and though the consequent expenses 
 did not militate against the winning of the wager, they did considerably 
 against the chance of my pecuniary benefit thereby. 
 
 Nordheimer is the name of the proprietor of the handsomest concert- 
 hall in Canada. Remember it, my brethren, for good fellows are 
 scarce, and he (Mr. Nordheimer), professionally or otherwise, is, in all 
 senses of the term, one of the right sort. Liberal in his dealings, and 
 assiduous in his attention, to which, through the good people of Montreal 
 being awfully slow at " coming out," I attribute our not absolutely failing 
 on our first appearance. I do not think there was the hire of the 
 room in, on the first night ; whereupon, the generous owner so 
 materially reduced the said hire, that albeit disposed to " Up sticks, and 
 off !" after the first attempt, I was induced to try again, and we were 
 rewarded by an eventual bumper. The 17th Regiment was stationed 
 here at the time, and Colonel Gordon gave me the assistance of the 
 band (a very good one), and also his patronage. I shall not easily 
 forget his face, when I asked him for the same, or the puzzled tone of 
 his question, " Are you an actor V* 
 
 Well, well ! I had made up my mind to stand anything and every 
 thing, short of a slap in the face, in the way of business ; and, though 
 occasionally my patience was tried, on the whole, I had little to 
 
 * Actors in Canada are a little too much of the Fly-by-night order, to hold a high 
 social status. M. P. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 55 
 
 complain of. I here insert a critique on my first appearance in Montreal, 
 that my readers may see the truth of my remark concerning " the agent 
 in advance :" 
 
 " We are happy to say that this novel soiree musicale went off, as we 
 predicted, with great eclat. The audience certainly did not come up to 
 (in numbers) that we expected, but those who were present had nothing 
 to complain of, and much to praise. * * * * * 
 ***** Miss Lucette s voice is certainly 
 
 one of the sweetest ; her taste is undeniable, and she has evidently been 
 schooled by a first-rate master.* She gave La Brindisi, from Traviata, 
 beautifully. The Captain is a cool, quiet actor gentlemanly in his 
 action, and evidently at home at all points. His voice is a high tenor ; 
 he takes the great stumbling-block of all tenors, A natural, and even B, 
 with perfect ease from the chest. The applause was not greater than 
 was deserved by both artistes. A little more publicity would have been 
 of use to both audience and actors. We trust a second performance 
 may be more generally known to the first, and more remunerative 
 to the second." Montreal Herald. 
 
 On the evening of our last performance, a " gentleman" sent to say 
 he wished to see me ; and being in too great a hurry for my supper, to 
 care about an interview with a stranger at the moment, I sent word for 
 him to call the next day at my hotel. In lieu of doing which, however, 
 he sent me the following note, which, being a gem in its way, I present 
 in its original form : 
 
 " Montrall, Toosdy. 
 " SIB, 
 
 " When you recognises this and ther is no cos to be alarmd, 
 becos I have no inteiishuns to inshure you. But if you have the 
 feelins of a gentlman, you will not halow my litel bil to stan aganstyou 
 hany longer, and you must have mad a preshus deel lass nite. 
 
 " The yung woman as you lef behind took on dredful wen you 
 didn rite, an as gon to New York with a chap as she new afore, so she 
 ant no god. I never thot as you wood have tuk to hacting, but hops 
 its for the best. 
 
 * Frank Eomer, we thank thee. 
 
56 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 " Give the munny to barer, leven shilling and tuppens. Never 
 mine the apense. 
 
 " Your obedent servent, 
 
 JAMES ." 
 
 There the name beat me. But I think it was Gallagher, or 
 Callaghan, or Galloway; but the "barer," when I went to the door to 
 see him, stuttered so awfully, that I could scarcely understand a word 
 he said. However, Stocks discovered, for me, that some neer-do-weel, 
 rejoicing in the name of" Price," and prefixing the title of "Captain, "had 
 
 some months before victimised the unfortunate James , to the tune 
 
 of " leven shillins and tuppens," for washing ; and as the letter amused 
 me, I give it to you, dear reader, hoping it may have the like effect. 
 
 It will be seen by the " bill of fare" of the St. Lawrence Hall, that 
 the English meal, yclept supper, is not therein comprehended. Now, 
 supper to actors and actresses, especially if they are singers, is the meal of 
 the twenty -four hours. Rehearsals are fatal to a good breakfast ; 
 shopping or a nap shuts out lunch ; dinner, no singer will touch. But 
 supper dear, delicious, dreamy supper ! there is not a stage votary, 
 from the little tired ballet-girl to the deep-throated tragic star, that 
 doesn t hie him or her home, with happy, or it may be heavy heart, to 
 supper ! Supper, he or she must have, or die ! Ergo, in spite of the 
 darkie s discontent and the dreariness of the long since deserted salle- 
 a-manger, supper did we insist upon having ; and our little tri-angular 
 party might have been nightly seen any time between eleven and 
 twelve of the clock, in comfortable possession of the far-end corner, 
 cosily employed in their nocturnal orgies. 
 
 Our example speedily found backers. We were one evening engaged 
 as above, when the centre doors opened, apparently in spite of the sable 
 Cerberus interposition, and a tall lady entered, followed by another and 
 two gentlemen. 
 
 " Mon Dieu ! no souper ! I sal faint. Mon cher creature (turning to 
 one of the gentlemen), to make endeavour to procure somting." 
 
 GENTLEMAN. " My dear lad y, I will speak to the proprietor." 
 
 (Exit Gentleman.) 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 57 
 
 The lady sailed up to our table, and after a searching glance at the 
 viands, her eyes suddenly caught our bottles of Stout, and, clapping her 
 hands, joyously, she exclaimed, " Portere Anglaise. Delicious !" 
 
 She was very handsome, and a glance told MS that she was a 
 professional. There was the tell-tale darkening under the eye, and the 
 least remnant of enamel on the forehead, of which a hasty toilet had 
 not permitted entire removal. I whispered Lucille, and the gentle 
 man s returning exclamation, " My dear P ," confirmed our guess. 
 
 This was Madame P , the reigning musical star in the diggings, 
 
 and every subsequent evening saw Comedy and Opera united in the 
 bond of supper-hood, until time was called, and we separated upon our 
 mutual ways Parodi and party to New York, I believe ; Lucille, and 
 her " little lot," to Kingston. 
 
 However, I am not going to leave Montreal without chronicling the 
 only act pecuniary of hospitality (my readers must interpret my expres- 
 sionary peculiarities as they best can) to which I was indebted during my 
 entire tour. I had become casually acquainted with a gentleman, who 
 from his total lack of likeness in style or conversation to any man I had 
 yet met in Canada, had much interested me. He was a polished 
 gentleman, a finished sportsman, and a theatrical enthusiast ; by birth, 
 
 a French Canadian ; by profession Well, if I name that, I may as 
 
 well give his portrait at once so we ll pass it, please. 
 
 Strangely my liking commenced with a slight disliking, inasmuch 
 as his polite advances, naturally suggested the question, " Is it myself, 
 or Lucille he is after ?" However, pleasant drives " round the mountain," 
 and snug rubbers at whist were the only apparent result of this addi 
 tion to our party, until one evening he announced his departure for 
 somewhere I forget where ; to some races 1 forget what ; and we 
 parted with mutual good wishes. He intended starting by steamer 
 down the lake, the following morning. 
 
 What has this to do with " pecuniary hospitality ?" 
 
 Why a great deal, as you will learn. Go on. 
 
 I had been in treaty for a place at Kingston wherein to give our 
 Entertainment, as that city does not boast either of a theatre or a 
 concert-room, and on the morning of our Canadian friend s departure I 
 received a letter desiring me to come at once, if we intended coming at 
 
 H 
 
58 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 all, as the Town Hall was to be had then, and might not by-and-by, 
 or words to that effect." 
 
 Annoyingly enough, I had just invested all my superfluous cash in a 
 set of fur robes, and had not left myself " wherewith to make stakes 
 with a street beggar. * I had calculated on not leaving Montreal for a 
 week, in which time I knew the needful would be to hand. 
 
 A committee of ways and means was called, and one of the council 
 made a sotto-voce suggestion. 
 
 " Wouldn t your friend, M , lend you what you want ?" 
 
 " Your friend, rather." 
 
 " Nonsense ! He said he would be happy to do anything in his power 
 to serve you." 
 
 " He did, and looked as if he meant it ; he has not yet left, I should 
 catch him at the depot ; and here goes, for the first time in my life, to 
 ask an acquaintance, of some three days standing, to lend me, on my 
 personal appearance, one hundred and fifty dollars. Ha! ha! we 
 shall see." 
 
 As I anticipated, I caught my friend at the depot, and with little 
 preliminary made my requirement known to him, concluding thus, 
 " Do not suppose I shall be the least annoyed, or even disappointed, at 
 your refusing to assist me ; indeed, I am painfully aware of the fact 
 that I am laying myself open to your censure and mistrust. I have no 
 security to offer you other than my word ; no recommendation other 
 than- " 
 
 "Your being a gentleman," he interrupted me with; " in a strange 
 country, in need of a temporary trifling loan. My dear friend, you shall 
 have it." And without further word, he entered the cashier s office, 
 wrote me a cheque for the amount, and, warmly pressing my hand as 
 he gave it me, said, " Write an acknowledgment when you get the 
 cash, and repay me at your earliest convenience. Would that I felt 
 assured of all men s honour as I do yours." His usually mirthful 
 countenance looked serious as he said this, and when I heard, some 
 time afterwards, that a man whom we often saw with him, and whom 
 he styled his " bosom friend," (I forget the blackguard s name), had let 
 him in almost to bankruptcy, I saw something very like a prophecy in 
 his last words. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 59 
 
 As luck would have it, I might have spared myself the trouble of 
 testing M s. feelings by thus touching his pocket, as I received a remit 
 tance from England the following day, just as we were about starting 
 for Kingston ; and having repaid the borrowed money, and duly chro 
 nicled the act of " pecuniary hospitality," to Kingston will I now conduct 
 my reader. 
 
 " Hi ! hi ! stop ! Why, what the Dickens , " the aforesaid reader 
 
 will here be shouting. " You Captain you author, you ! Why, you 
 are surely not going away from Montreal without telling us something 
 of the great Victoria Bridge ?" 
 
 Well, yes, I was, because the great Victoria Bridge was not finished 
 when I left Montreal, the first time, in August, 1859, but was subjected 
 to my approval as complete in December of that year, when I took my 
 final departure from the city of the descendants of Jacques Cartier ; and 
 as you have asked so bluntly, I will tell you all I know of the Victoria 
 Bridge. 
 
 It is considered one of the wonders of the world, and certainly, for 
 size, it is such. I suppose no other building in the creation contains 
 such a mass of stone. I have heard it computed that one buttress of 
 this Goliath is composed of more stuff than there is in all Waterloo 
 Bridge ! I give it to you as I got it, so don t scream at me. Well, it 
 that is, the bridge, not the buttress, (there are five and twenty of them) 
 extends from Point St. Charles, on Montreal side, to some other point 
 on the other side (the south) ; it is " Tubular," which means you don t 
 go over, but through it. It is all but two miles long, and one of the 
 spans is three hundred and thirty feet. 
 
 The reason it is made of such prodigious strength is, that it is calcu 
 lated that at the finish of every winter, when the ice breaks up and 
 comes down the St. Lawrence, the said bridge will have to withstand 
 a pressure of fourteen hundred millions of (I tried to put it in figures, but 
 couldn t) tons of ice ! The Prince of Wales formally gave the concern his 
 blessing last year, and the trains running ever it (through it, I mean), 
 the Grand Trunk Railway can boast of something like 1 ,200 continuous 
 miles of discomfort from Chicago to Quebec and Portland, the western 
 and eastern termini. 
 
59* A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 MONTREAL TO KINGSTON. 
 
 Wood and water, as before, as always, nothing in the world to enliven 
 the journey, save our own good fellowship, fun, and fancies. The bumping 
 over a portion of this weary journey was truly hurtful ; Lucille and I 
 tried to play draughts, but we might as well have tried to play billiards. 
 
 The kings lost their crowns, and thereby constantly magnified the 
 common herd ; the black subjects kept jumping over the white with 
 out any just pretence for so doing ; and the whole kingdom became 
 so utterly unruly, that we abandoned the game in despair. Sleeping 
 was a delusion, of course. Oh, be warned my fellow wanderers ! Carry 
 an air-cushion with you. It is portable as a pocket-handkerchief, or a 
 muffler ; and you will find it an immense boon to a weary head. 
 
 The carriage, as we progressed, became insufferably hot, and the 
 concomitant dust, unbearable. I have before spoken of the un-eau-de- 
 cologne pervading perfume of these steam propelled busses ; but I think 
 upon a retrospective analysis of all the smells my olfactories had to 
 endure, from time to time, the bouquet on the present occasion was 
 the most powerfully objectionable. 
 
 Some more than usually dirty passengers, you suppose. 
 
 Well, rather. 
 
 On our arrival at Kingston, which we ultimately accomplished, I 
 discovered that for some hours we had been enjoying the privilege of 
 seats, adjoining five or six convicts chained together, and reeking in 
 dust and filth, under charge of a constable, bristling with combustibles 
 and beery importance. This, in a first-class carriage ! 
 
 Some writers have eulogised American politeness towards the 
 "fair sex." During this journey, we had a glaring, but a very 
 amusing instance of t other. Soon after starting, something went wrong 
 with our carriage, and we had all to bundle out, and get in as we best 
 might to another, already three parts full. We, of course, wanted seats 
 together, and our only chance of obtaining such, was in asking a gentle 
 man, who had appropriated three for the separate and special comfort of 
 his head, body, legs. His answer to my polite request was as follows : 
 
 " Wa-al, I reckon the lady hain t travelled two hundred everlasting 
 miles she hain t ; and nary a wink of sleep the whole of the almighty 
 way ! Look at them blessed boots ! they pinch infernal they do ! 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 60* 
 
 They are pretty comfortable jist now they air ; and I d like to see 
 any man, woman, or child, set em a goin again I would !" 
 
 " I thought for a lady " 
 
 " Now, look here, stranger. I guess I ve took these seats, and I 
 calculate to keep them until I reach Kington that s a fact !" 
 
 Finding the brute wouldn t move, we accepted the polite invitations 
 of an old French gentleman, who kindly moved a number of his parcels 
 from some otherwise unoccupied seats, and soon made ourselves com 
 fortable thereon. 
 
 In about an hour the train came to a halt, and our rude neighbour, 
 whose snoring and grunting had upset Lucille immensely, got up, 
 carefully arranged his horse-cloth and other wraps upon his seats, and 
 got out for some purpose or other, giving us, as he did so, an unmis- 
 takeable look of defiance. He hadn t been gone one minute, when a 
 huge, hirsute, Californian digger-like individual entered, and, in a 
 twinkling moved said neighbour s entire inventory on to one of the 
 seats, plunged himself on to the other two, and had scarcely spat twice 
 when re-enter first ruffian. 
 
 FIRST R. (loq.) " Say, stranger, them s my seats !" 
 
 SECOND R. " Don t see that, any haow yew fix it !" 
 
 FIRST R. " Them s my fixings !" (pointing to articles). 
 
 SECOND Do. " Wa-al, I ain t touching em." 
 
 FIRST R. " But you have touched em !" 
 
 SECOND Do. " That s so ; or haow could I be here ?" 
 
 FIRST R. " Well, I guess you had better make tracks out of that, 
 anyway !" 
 
 SECOND Do. (with a most expressive grunt) " Look here, stranger. 
 Whar I settles, I settles that s a fact !" (turning round, and settling 
 himself comfortably). 
 
 We, of course, enjoyed this immeasurably ; and 1 completely floored 
 our late enemy by saying, with as good an attempt at Yankee lingo as I 
 was master of, "I guess that s law, any haow !" 
 
 " That s so," said Ruffian No. 2 (bestowing a knowing wink on me). 
 " Two to one agin you, stranger. You d better clear !" 
 
 And No. I, seeing such was the case, grunted himself into the only 
 spare seat he could find. 
 
61- A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 This incident I narrate, more because it vastly amused us at the 
 time (and, perchance, what amused us, may amuse you, reader), than to 
 illustrate American lack of manners ; for though I cannot eulogise their 
 politeness not having ourselves received any at their hands I have 
 no reason for thinking them any worse than the mass of the " lords of 
 creation" of any other nation. 
 
 We were dreadfully late in arriving at Kingston, and, unfortunately, 
 I had neglected at Montreal to inquire for the best hotel for us to go, 
 to. However, about four A.M. saw us in a " bus," in front of the 
 " British American," vainly endeavouring to obtain an opening. This 
 we at last effected, and, very tired and half famished, we discharged 
 ourselves into a sort of tap-room, and there awaited the arrival from 
 BEDFORDSHIRE of the landlord, who, on his appearance, I greeted with 
 " Landlord, for the love of humanity, give us some beer !" 
 
 His cheerful reply, and speedy production of the much-needed 
 beverage, convinced me we had fallen into good hands, and need seek 
 no further. By broad daylight we soon consigned ourselves to our 
 respective couches, for the first time in Kingston. 
 
 Kingston ! I have pleasant recollections of Kingston. It has a market 
 place large enough for ten Kingstons, and I don t think there is any 
 thing else worthy of note in it. The streets seem very wide, some of 
 them so wide, that you can t see from one side to the other but 
 that is because the other is not yet built ; and, I fancy, never will be. 
 Kingston, I believe, was started in a great hurry, and all sorts of 
 people indulged in all sorts of notions that it was to be the capital of 
 Canada, and they bought land, which they never paid for, and built 
 houses, which they never finished ; and if they did, never lived to live in; or 
 if they did, died so soon afterwards, that they had no time to get anyone to 
 inherit them ; or if they had, the heirs sold the furniture to get whisky, 
 or buy shares in a railway -either of which investment was so profitable 
 that it carried the purchaser off, right away, and the house alone remained 
 to tell the tale ; and, as it was told me by an old inhabitant " as remembered 
 it long afore there was a house in it" twas a melancholy tale, indeed. We 
 paid a second visit, however, to Kingston ; and when I commit the same 
 to paper, I will tell you more about it. We found a very fine hall, the 
 City Hall, at our service, and secured it for three nights, at the rate of 
 twelve dollars a night. Mr. Barker, the editor and proprietor of " The 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 62* 
 
 British Whig," called on us, and to him we were mainly indebted for 
 the fine audience we obtained on the first evening. He was one of 
 those old gentlemen that young ladies so much like politeness from 
 his hat to his boots and Lucille to this day bears the " doctor" in 
 affectionate memory. Doctor ! if you ever read this, think of us gently, 
 and know we are not forgetful of your kindness. Well, we achieved great 
 success at Kingston, and there I first sang my now celebrated <f Banner 
 of old England/ written for me by Mr. Murdoch, late bandmaster of 
 the 7 1st Light Infantry then, and I suppose now, musical librarian and 
 leader of the Kingston brass band (" Blow-hards" I christened them), 
 and a thorough good fellow. My new entertainment, as practice 
 made us perfect, was a success, and I had already become so conceited 
 upon it, that the paper was purchased, and the plot prepared for a second 
 production. 
 
 There was a detachment of the Canadian Rifles quartered here, and 
 a great many attended our entertainments. One night, after a more 
 than usually enthusiastic encore of my " Banner," I was electrified by 
 hearing a Stentorian voice among the audience exclaim, " Three cheers 
 for Captain Horton Ehys!" when looking to the quarter from whence 
 it proceeded, I discovered as I thought, amid a group of " green coats," 
 a countenance that was familiar to me. This was solved the next 
 morning by the proprietor of said countenance calling on me, and after 
 the usual salute, revealing to me the fact that he " know d me, as soon 
 as ever he seed me," and " didn t I recollect him as was servant to 
 
 Captain E r, when the Cameronians were in China, and was with 
 
 him when he hurt his self at Gibraltar?" &c., &c. A great number of 
 my old regiment (the 26th) had exchanged into the Canadian Rifles, on 
 the hurried departure of the former regiment, a few years since, from 
 Canada ; and this was not the only instance of recognition I encoun 
 tered on my tour. 
 
 We stayed here no longer than our professional duties demanded. 
 The town was dull drearily dull and a quiet game of billiards, and a 
 row on the lake, the only approach to amusement. However, I learned 
 that in a few weeks time a " Great Exhibition" was to be held there, 
 and that the town would be " cram full" of all sorts of people, and that 
 I ought to come there then ; and, as come there then I did, I ll e en 
 take my leave of Kingston for the present, and pack up my traps for 
 the next halt on my list, viz., Cobourg. 
 
60 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 FROM KINGSTON TO COBOURG. 
 
 TIRED of the monotony of railway travelling, we determined upon doing 
 this little journey by water, and a very pleasant trip we had. Good 
 steamer, smooth water, and a tolerable table. Cobourg is about half 
 way between Kingston and Toronto ; and I would recommend the 
 traveller on his route to halt here, always taking the precaution to 
 write a day or two previously to the proprietor of the only decent hos- 
 telrie in the town, " The Globe," to meet, or send to meet, said traveller, 
 or he will chance to fare as we did on our arrival at eleven o clock on a 
 w r et Thursday night pitch dark, no lamps, no otherpassengers.no end 
 of luggage, and no one, and nothing to carry it. I shan t forget it soon. 
 
 The indefatigable Stocks was sent out en scout, and returned with 
 the semi-melancholy information that they had " found an Hotel, but 
 they had all gone to bed and wouldn t get up, he thought, unless we 
 did ourselves, and we had better leave the luggage, as there was no one 
 wide awake enough to steal it, and come along, at once." And as there 
 was no help for it, " come along" we did ; and after a fierce cannonade 
 at the door, and a parley with one of the windows, we were admitted, 
 and the unfortunate Stocks was sent back to mount guard over the 
 luggage with a bad tooth ache, until an invisible " somebody" arrived 
 with a truck to " bring up" the same, which I believe occurred some 
 time in the morning, for Stocks looked remarkably seedy when he called 
 me, and said he " didn t think much of this here Cobug," 
 
 We had, however, reason for thinking a good deal of it, as we had two 
 capital rooms. The concert-hall was in the hotel, and held about four 
 hundred persons, and here I started the plan of having a " Lady and 
 Gentleman s Ticket, 75 cents.," which I always afterwards found to 
 answer. Paterfamilias or affectionate brother didn t hesitate to bring 
 himself at 50 cents., and wife and sister at 25 ; but when he had to 
 fork out a dollar (50 cents apiece) he either stayed away altogether, or 
 sneaked himself in, unbeknownst to the females," (vide Stocks opinion), 
 and told em afterwards it warn t worth going to see don t you see ? 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 01 
 
 Distant from Cobourg seven miles is a small town, called Port Hope, 
 where, but for the lack of an hotel fit to lay head in, I would also 
 recommend a short sojourn. Anything in the shape of music does well 
 there. We gave no less than five entertainments there ; the last, or 
 farewell one, being a " bumper," the room being, according to the 
 "Weekly Guide" of August 30th, "filled with the youth, beauty, 
 fashion, and musical ability of Port Hope." 
 
 From Port Hope we journeyed north to Peterborough. This is a 
 portion of my journey that I look back to with much pleasure. I, by 
 this time, began to see my way. My winning the wager was a certainty, 
 bar accidents or ill-health. We were gradually getting into the ways of 
 the country and the habits of the people, and, strangely enough, so it 
 then seemed to us, the farther we got into this strange land, the more 
 Englishified it became ; at least, as far as the inhabitants were concerned. 
 
 So, be it understood, I did not go to Peterborough for the purpose of 
 increasing my professional receipts, (though, as luck had it, I did to 
 some extent, most unexpectedly, and as will be seen) ; but rather to 
 investigate a little life amongst the back-woodsmen, and what I saw I 
 will now relate. Peterborough, which is quite a frontier town, there 
 being no other pretension to the term " town" north, or beyond it, is 
 a most eccentric-looking place. Though quite in its infancy, it appears 
 to have grown prematurely aged a sort of young child with an old 
 man s face. 
 
 A few years ago its site was a wilderness. Now there s, I don t know 
 how many, but a good lot of people there. Of course, the greater 
 number of the houses, especially the large ones, or those intended to 
 have been large, are, and are likely to remain, in an unfinished state. 
 
 The waste of stone in Canada in this respect is wonderful ; everybody 
 commences to build, but nobody ever finishes ; and what is more extra 
 ordinary, no one pulls down what any one else puts up. Young- 
 Robinson looks with mingled veneration and contempt upon the win- 
 do wless walls and rafterless roofs of Kobinson, senior, long gathered to 
 his ancestors, and says, " Ha, the old man wur a fool to build that ere 
 so large, he wur ; it ain t no use doing anything with it not it !" And 
 so it stands until it tumbles down, or Robinson, junior, drinks himself 
 
62 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 to death, or becomes bankrupt when possibly an enterprising stranger 
 becomes possessed of the property at the hammer, and something is 
 done with it by somebody not, however, in the time of anybody who saw 
 it built. So is it at Peterborough ; there are whole streets of young ruins. 
 
 A gentleman who had a very comfortable house told me, on admiring 
 the loftiness and general arrangement of the rooms, that he was indebted 
 to some one he knew for that, as he had bought the entire shell within 
 which we were then sitting for the price of the materials ; and much to 
 the astonishment of his Canadian neighbours, had floored, roofed, 
 painted and papered the whole concern, without pulling down a brick ; 
 and, he concluded, " It looks pretty sound, too ; don t it?" 
 
 At Peterborough I was destined to meet an old friend with a new 
 face ; he was at Eton with me, and was then and there a very pretty 
 boy ; and being of a retiring mild nature, I had often on more than one 
 occasion taken his part against some juvenile bully. He had come to 
 Canada to learn farming , "Heaven save the mark!" and was studying 
 " away out" at a place called Douro, about twelve miles off. 
 
 The pretty, retiring, mild youth, had changed into a big-bearded, 
 brawny, bellowing back-woodsman. I never saw such a creature. I told 
 him so ; so, of course, I may you). If you can fancy Ben Gaunt, with 
 an enormous red beard, whiskers, and mustachios, in a Glengarry cap, 
 a red flannel shirt, loose leather breeches, and a pair of knickerbockers, 
 you have (barring the nose) a good likeness of my friend (what shall I 
 call him ?) " Blazes !" 
 
 When he discovered my " little game," as he called it, nothing would 
 satisfy him but that we must and should give our Entertainment in 
 Peterborough. " He would bring in all his friends from Douro, he 
 would keep them and himself perfectly sober until it was all over ; and 
 if everybody in Peterborough didn t come, he d know the reason why !" 
 &c., &c., &c. To such powerful arguments we could but succumb, and, 
 much to our surprise, we discovered that there was a little amateur theatre 
 in the town, called * White s Room." At this time I had just written 
 a new entertainment, called A Scene in the Highlands, and being anxious 
 for a rehearsal, and having little dread of Peterborough critics, we 
 " concluded" to play, and did so, with such success, and to such crowded 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 63 
 
 and respectable audiences (whether owing to our friend Blazes persua 
 sion or threats I know not), that not content with two nights, we played 
 four ! I thought Lucille s hearers would never be satisfied with " Ever 
 of thee," " Annie Laurie," and " I m sitting by the stile, Mary." They 
 would have her back, time after time ; and I think if I had been exiled 
 there, I should have done the same. Blazes persisted in crying over 
 " I m sitting by the stile, Mary," and said he was an Irishman, though 
 I know he used to be a Londoner. This, however, was late in the 
 evening. 
 
 Having thus paid our way, and a little to spare, I determined on a 
 slight relaxation from mentalla bour, and ditto a little in the body. Douro, 
 I have said, is a " diggings" seme twelve miles from Peterborough, and 
 is a regular stronghold of sucking farmers. Suckers, and no mistake ! 
 Their powers of suction would astonish a Pitman ! 
 
 Well, this Douro is right in the bush, and if any of my readers 
 should journey from Peterborough to Douro, they ll wonder how it ever 
 got there ; a more villanous road I never travelled, though my friend 
 Blazes (of course), and also his friend (another long, but not so rough- 
 looking customer, who had something to do with the lumber i.e. 
 timber trade), declared twas nuts to what it was " 
 
 I was glad that a slight cold prevented Lucille from being one of the 
 party, though that fact prevented me from staying to see and do all 
 that I should have wished. A deer hunt, of course, we had that is to 
 say, the dogs had, and having, I suppose, " By raison of being a 
 sthranger," as a bond fide Irishman of the party said, been put in a 
 " convaynient" position which meant that I could neither see or be 
 seen and told to keep my eyes and ears open, and my mouth shut, I 
 had my first and last acquaintance with a Canadian Deer Hunt. 
 
 I think I must have been two hours in this convaynient spot, listening 
 to the cry of the hounds. Oh ! yes, they were hounds ! all sorts ; but 
 that didn t signify. Sometimes quite near, then away in the forest all 
 still ! The birds had been scared, and were quiet then, swelling louder 
 and louder, and sounds of crashing boughs and the quick slobbering 
 breath of a hound, as, with bloody stern and fiery eye, he passed, within 
 a yard of me slightly a"t fault. I deuced nearly shot him, he startled 
 
64 A THEATKICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 me so ; and all is still again. If I had known my way, I should then 
 and there have walked myself off; but I didn t, so couldn t. 
 
 For some time past I had kept my eye on a green patch of sward, or 
 stagnant water, I couldn t tell which; distant off, guessed some one 
 hundred and fifty yards. This was only visible through a very narrow 
 opening in the wood ; and a few minutes after the episode of the hound, 
 I again cast my eye towards it. I could no longer see it ! Holloa ! 
 I thought, I have been straining my eyes a leetle too much ; and I 
 moved suddenly, when as suddenly something else moved, and I saw the 
 green patch, and I saw a brown patch, and I sent a dispatch after brown 
 patch, just as it was jumping over green ; and then ran like a madman 
 down the opening to see what on earth I had done ! Done, sir ? Why, 
 I had done for a fine deer, by sending a bullet from the right-hand 
 barrel of my little " Laing s" rifle, slick through his body, behind the 
 shoulder ! and a good shot it was, too, with such a " pop-gun," as 
 Blazes termed it. 
 
 " The shades of night were fast falling" (there s a bit of novelism for 
 you) when we got home I mean when we returned to Douro, the 
 Canadian home of my friend Blazes. Let me see, what was it he 
 termed it ? Oh, his " Penal Penates !" I think I never saw a wetter 
 evening ; the elements i.e. whisky, rum, gin and water were irre 
 sistible in their unceasing flow. So, if my journal here becomes a little 
 foggy, pray pardon me, and allow me to " turn in," for the first time 
 since my departure from England, under other roof than that which 
 sheltered my compagnons du voyage. 
 
 ****** 
 
 Breakfast at seven. "Any head-ache?" "No?" "What do you 
 say to fishing ?" 
 
 " Why, you know," I said, " that was what I came here for." 
 
 " And the whisky ?" 
 
 " Bother the whisky !" 
 
 " Well, you were tight ; and I shall tell your friends that I took 
 care of you.** 
 
 The speaker was so utterly "sewn up" some two hours before the 
 party quite dispersed, that he slept where he fell, and never " turned in" 
 at all. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 65 
 
 Fishing, some two or three of us went ; and if I at all astonished 
 these rough sons of Englishmen with my " pop-gun," I did so still 
 more with my rod. It was an ordinary trout rod, made by an old fellow 
 named Hucklebridge, in Bath, (one that I have fished with over fifteen 
 years), and with a few sewin flies (my friends used bait), I succeeded in 
 landing, or rather in boating, for I fished principally from the latter, 
 thirteen bass a fish neither a salmon, a trout, nor a grayling, but (with 
 a dash of the porpoise) a little of all combined. They averaged three 
 pounds apiece. But, bless you ! a good old English trout of that weight 
 would have made my ancient piece of hickory bend its back a little more 
 that any of them did. 
 
 They were, however, good fun. There was a nice breeze, and the 
 thing was new ; and that goes a long way towards temporary satisfaction . 
 
 Blazes was a great hand at a canoe, and after I was tired of fishing, 
 he insisted on paddling me up a lake, I forget the name, where he said 
 he had appointed to meet an Indian. 
 
 " What a real live Indian ?" 
 
 " I believe you, my bo-hoy !" 
 
 Now, I had often wished to see an Indian, and, like most things that 
 one wishes much to see, when I did see one, I didn t think much of it. 
 
 The dark and almost indecent individual we were in quest of, made 
 a sudden appearance in answer to an unearthly screech from the lungs 
 of my Charon, as we neared the shore of a thickly -wooded eyot. Pad 
 dling over the tiny waves with a marvellous rapidity in a similar unsafe 
 looking concern to that we were in, he came alongside ; and after an 
 interchange with Blazes of a few words in French and Chinese at least 
 it sounded like it and an awful lot of grimaces, he pointed at me with 
 the spoon end of his paddle, saying, or rather shouting, " Hi-phiz, 
 cockonoscrummery !" or words to that effect, and darted off; and, much 
 to my surprise , we after him ! 
 
 " Where are you going to ?" I asked. 
 
 " Going ! Going to introduce you to my father-in-law, that is to be !" 
 he answered, paddling away with all his might. 
 
 "Your what?" 
 
 " Yes ; it s all right! That s my wife s brother, on ahead, there !" 
 
 i 
 
66 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 " Get out !" I exclaimed, forgetting I was in a canoe, and bestowing 
 a kick on his shins. 
 
 "By G d !" was his reply, " we shall both get out sooner than we 
 can get in again, if you come any of those games. Sit still, man ! you 
 are not in bed !" 
 
 Thus admonished. I collapsed. 
 
 We shortly reached a large raft moored along-side a steep bank, the bank 
 itself being nearly hidden from view by overhanging trees and bush. 
 Blazes here pulled up, and told me (this time) to " Get out !" a per 
 formance of no easy accomplishment. Canoes are the most slippery 
 things in creation our outriggers are jolly-boats to them. Out, how 
 ever, I got, after a deal of wibble-wobbling ; and Blazes paddled off 
 somewhere out of sight, much to my momentary discomfiture. He, 
 however, quickly appeared on the bank overhead, and from thence 
 directed me to a flight of steps, or rather stones, which I had not until 
 then perceived. 1 ascended, and found myself on a little green knoll, 
 with large tree stumps here and there, and studded around with huts 
 apparently made of logs and bark of trees. Well, I never ! I was 
 actually in an Indian encampment ! There were men and women, and 
 children and dogs ; and Blazes seemed on intimate terms with all. 
 
 He presently introduced me to a venerable-looking old picture card, 
 wrapped although it was very hot in a buffalo skin, and squatted on 
 his haunches smoking a red clay pipe, with a profusely ornamented stem. 
 
 " Father-in-law," he said, " this is my friend a mighty hunter in 
 England a great warrior in many lands and a jolly good fellow !" 
 
 This correct description, being given in English, not a word, of course, 
 the old gentleman would have understood, but for the expressive panto 
 mime with which it was accompanied. It, however, evidently im 
 pressed the aged Ojibbeway that I was somebody ; and he thereupon 
 set up a howl of welcome, and beckoned me to squat. This, imagining 
 myself tolerably secure, I did, and looked about me ; and thereupon 
 saw the retreating form of Blazes on the point of entering one of the 
 huts. Now, I had no intention of being left alone with this old heathen, 
 so I made tracks after him, and affectionately taking his arm, I requested 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 67 
 
 Blazes to bear the same in mind. He looked annoyed which, how 
 ever, did not affect me in the least, and we entered together. 
 
 There were only two occupants a frightfully plain specimen of an 
 
 aged female, and a girl of about fifteen or sixteen. They were both 
 
 employed in embroidering velvet with beads. Immediately the younger 
 
 of the two saw my companion, she sprang up, and jumped into his arms, 
 
 and in (as far as I am a judge) very fair French, welcomed him, said she 
 
 had been expecting his visit ; and it was evidently a lover s meeting. T 
 
 must describe her. She had very little on ; what she had, appearing to 
 
 me to be a blue serge petticoat, with some sort of embroidery round the 
 
 skirt, over which was a dingy white " cutty sark," confined at the 
 
 waist with a beadwork embroidered girdle, aud over this, a man s work- 
 
 a-day cloth jacket, with large mother-o -pearl buttons ! Her hair was 
 
 jet black, with a sort of oily look about it I didn t quite like ; but, lor ! 
 
 she had enough for a dozen women I never saw such a magnificent 
 
 mop ! If she had put it a VAnglaise into a net at the back of her 
 
 head, she would never have seen her toes again ! Her complexion was 
 
 brown yes, brown the brown of the ripe filbert. Her nose was perfect, 
 
 if not too small ; her mouth a little large. But murder ! such red 
 
 lips and white teeth, you almost wished it larger, that the vermillion and 
 
 the pearl might show the more ; and her eyes well, there I am beaten. 
 
 Suffice it to say, that I never saw such eyes for black ones. I dreamt 
 
 of them more than once afterwards. Her head was beautifully put on ; 
 
 and her legs, which were naked to the knee, were the moral of Louise 
 
 Leclercq s brown silk stockings. I never could see any beauty in a 
 
 naked foot especially when the sole was as hard as nails so, 111 leave 
 
 her foot alone excepting to say, it looked very small. 
 
 But I am over-spinning my yarn. These were the wife and grand-daughter 
 of the old gentleman whose society I had so rudely declined. Blazes was 
 desperately in love with the girl ; it seems he had some months previously 
 picked her out of the water as she was vainly endeavouring to right her canoe, 
 which had topsy-turvied. They swim like corks (the women, I mean) ; but 
 she was nearly exhausted with her efforts, being very young ; and would 
 most likely have been drowned, but for Blazes assistance. Of course, 
 
68 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 the old ones were immensely grateful for the preservation of their 
 " che-ild ;" and would have tattoed, or otherwise ennobled Blazes upon 
 the spot, had he wished it. But he didn t : he made himself, however, 
 a sort of godfather to the young Naiad, and had succeeded in teaching 
 her French and a smattering of English ; and I think he said she 
 could write " a tolerable fist." 
 
 We stayed until our watches warned us to be off for darkness in 
 Canada, like the thunder-storm, comes on you, bang without the 
 prelude of twilight ; and I didn t care much about remaining after night 
 fall in this wild region, even under the wing of Blazes. ^Had there 
 been a twin Naiad I might have been reconciled ; but there wasn t. 
 
 I shall ever remember our homeward voyage, through the beauty of 
 that night. Squatted in the stern of the canoe, with a delicious pipe 
 of tobacco in my mouth, I watched the deep shadows of the bush- 
 covered shore as the moon rose full, large, and red lighting up the 
 waters, but throwing land and forest into deeper gloom. My companion 
 paddled leisurely along, playing, as it were, with the sparkling water ; 
 and our little bark went bobbity-bobbity, as much as to say, " I should 
 just like to pitch you two out, you seem so jolly lazy !" 
 
 Blazes was evidently buried in a brown study, and I didn t care much 
 about interrupting him. I, too, was tkinking thinking of a picture I 
 had somewhere seen of a very dark girl and a very fair one ; and 
 wishing that I were an artist, that I might put on canvas the darkest 
 and the fairest beauty in creation. Heigho ! 
 
 Nothing occurred to disturb the even tenur of our way ; and on we 
 went, paddling and puffing an occasional snatch of a song on my part, 
 and a melancholy effort at a second on his, alone mingling with the 
 gurgling of the water at the bow of the canoe and the hum of many 
 insects in the air. We arrived at the landing-stage, and there found a 
 servant waiting with a trap, and, what much gladdened my eyes, a bottle 
 of whisky, for we long since had finished the flask that accompanied 
 us. We had only afew miles to go to " Blazes Park" as I termed his few 
 acres of clearing and whether it was the whisky or jolting, I know not, 
 but Blazes at last opened his mouth, and blurted out, " I say, old 
 fellow, I m going to marry that nigger lass !" 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 69 
 
 " Marry ?" I said, putting the bowl end of my pipe in my astonishment 
 to my lips " the devil !" 
 
 " Nearly as black, certainly," he replied, mistaking my exclamation ; 
 " but there s more of the angel in her than the devil anyhow !" 
 
 " My dear man, I didn t mean that " 
 
 " No, no ; I know. Of course, you ll laugh ; but mark my words : 
 if you ever come to Douro again, you ll find that girl in my house my 
 lawful wife!" 
 
 He made his words good ; for in spite of the jeers of his wild band 
 of companions, he carried her off one fine night, and married her by 
 book and candle (Blazes is a Roman Catholic) ; and, as he is next heir 
 to many a broad acre in tf Merrie England," it is just possible I may 
 yet again see the heroine of this little yarn, and presiding over a very 
 different establishment to that in her Indian home. 
 
 We must bid adieu to Douro and Peterborough (I have made too long 
 a halt here already), and will ask my reader to come with me to Toronto, 
 which was our next quarters though we did not long occupy them, in 
 consequence of what is told in the next Chapter. 
 
70 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 To get to Toronto we had to retrace our steps to Port Hope, that we 
 might " catch the train" the Grand Trunk Railway of Canada passing 
 through those places ; and though warm as had been our welcome at 
 the latter town, I left it without sorrow, the hotel accommodation being 
 the worst we had yet met with. Indeed, the rapacity and chicanery 
 displayed by the proprietor of the British American Hotel in that place 
 in the manufacture of his bill, was something too glaring to be passed 
 over in silence. Had I had the time I would have disputed his claim, 
 and, indeed, saw a lawyer on the matter ; but Master " Paddy" (the 
 shark was an Irishman) knew I hadn t, and pocketed his ill-earned 
 dollars in safety. 
 
 Toronto is the capital of Canada West ; and I have either read or 
 been told that less than sixty years ago two native families were its only 
 inhabitants barring the beasts and birds. In some five and twenty 
 years they had increased (not the beasts and birds, there was no census 
 taken of them) to 1,400 items ; and now (including myself and party) 
 amount to 60,000. There must be something in the air, HERE ! 
 
 Toronto is the handsomest town we have yet seen. Wide streets, 
 good shops, lovely gardens, handsome public buildings, churches rich in 
 spires and traceried windows, spacious hotels, and elegant equipages. 
 We put up at the Revere House, and during our stay, there was a grand 
 Scottish gathering. Such piping and dancing, and throwing the caber ! 
 Glorious weather, bands playing, handsome women, wonderful calves 
 (the men, I mean that is, the men s legs) ; and yet, we only stayed 
 two days. Business, my dear sir business ! We had no business 
 there, happening this wise. 
 
 On leaving Kingston, my good friend, Dr. Barker, gave me a letter of 
 introduction to the Honorable Mr. Brown, the Editor and Proprietor of 
 " The Globe" newspaper, which I forwarded, with an order to do me 
 certain posters, bills, &c., and a request that he would give me a 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 71 
 
 few lines in his paper of preliminary notice. My request the honorable 
 Brown complied with ; but the order was entirely neglected. Nary a 
 bill, a poster, or even advertisement were done, or in process of doing, 
 when we arrived. Of course, my first visit was to the office of " The 
 Globe ;" and it is quite possible that when I arrived thereat, I might 
 not have been in the best of humours, for on my way thither I passed 
 some tremendous hoardings, profusely decorated with every sort of 
 advertisement, sine mine. I had stopped at a reading-room, and 
 read the advertising columns of all the Toronto papers, " Globe" 
 included mine was invisible. I had met a friend whose ac 
 quaintance I had made at Quebec a lawyer, a banker, and a most 
 influential member of Toronto society, and he asked me, " If I meant 
 to give my Entertainment there ?" Well, I was not in a good humour ; 
 and, after some five minutes conversation in the " Globe" office, 
 with a hungry-looking, bald-headed individual, in his shirt-sleeves, and 
 nails in mourning, I desired to see the Honorable Brown himself. Much 
 to my surprise, I found that he stood before me. 
 
 In reply to my reiterated question, " Why the order was not com 
 pleted ?" he replied, " That owing to the printers in general . being 
 constantly done by the travelling profession (murder !) that they had 
 determined on giving no more credit." 
 
 I inquired if a letter of introduction and recommendation from a 
 brother editor " went for nothing." 
 
 He suddenly remembered he had forgotten that, and was thereupon a 
 shade more liberal offering to do what was required immediately, upon 
 receiving twelve dollars in advance. Whereupon, this child s dander 
 being considerably aroused, I requested the Honorable Brown not to 
 trouble himself, as experience had taught me that Canadian newspaper 
 editors were still less to be trusted than even the " travelling profession." 
 
 The Honorable Brown (by-the-bye, reader, in your ig 1 mean 
 
 innocence, you will wonder what the editor of the " Globe" was doing with, 
 or had done, to get Honorable tacked to his name). Good gracious ! sir 
 and madam, he was a member of Parliament, a representative of the 
 people, a stump orator a very great man, I assure you ; and the 
 
72 A THEATRICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 members of the Canadian Parliament having one day, in the exuberance 
 of their humility, conferred on themselves the title of honorable, nem. 
 dis. so did John Brown become honorable. 
 
 Well, Hon. B., expressed much disgust at my style of conversation, 
 and we parted with mutual satisfaction. Well I don t include Brown in 
 this " we" subsequently played one night at Toronto, but we did not in 
 any way increase the Honorable Brown s exchequer, as we employed his 
 adversary, " The Leader" a paper of nearly equal circulation, and 
 infinitely better type. 
 
 We had not a very large audience, and the papers, in their critiques, 
 were flattering enough : even the " Globe" gave us KvSos, com 
 plained of the lack of publicity given, and suggested another Evening s 
 Entertainment. I, however, didn t care much about Toronto ; there 
 was too much assumption of exclusiveness, without just grounds to go 
 upon, and I left the place then, as I do now, without any intention of 
 returning to it. 
 
 From Toronto, we shaped our course, south and west, to Hamilton a 
 town situated on the extreme west of Lake Ontario. Now, 1 have a 
 great deal to say about Hamilton ; so, reader, bear with me awhile, or 
 skip the whole concern to see what comes next ; and when you are very 
 hard up for a ten minutes pastime, turn back again. 
 
 Some of my pleasantest hours in Canada I spent in Hamilton. 
 Firstly, the hotel in which we were located, " The Royal," was one of 
 the best we had yet enclosed ourselves in. Dr. Taylor, the proprietor, 
 is an ancient Englishman of great varied experience, an amusing com 
 panion, and liberal host; a "smart" man, too, yet occasionally, like 
 most smart men, over-reached by a smarterer. Eh, Doctor? Shall I 
 tell, or not ? I am open to a bribe of secrecy, and will wait to hear 
 how you are disposed, before I promulgate how a certain Loafer 
 sojourned at the "Royal (pray don t think me the Loafer, reader !) how 
 the Doctor advanced the Loafer five hundred dols., and how the Doctor 
 never saw said Loafer again, and all about it. Nary another word, 
 Doctor, for the present. Move on. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 73 
 
 Our stay at Hamilton, was marked with signal success in a professional 
 light. We gave five sucessive entertainments there, and did well. We 
 played at the Mechanics Hall a fine one for singing in ; well 
 situated, and tolerably cheap 15 dols. a night; but they have an ugly 
 custom of charging 2 dols. a week for a licence, which, small as the sum 
 is, being a " do/ enrages one, as you are not told of it at the time ; and 
 if you open on the Saturday night and play on the following Monday, 
 as was my case, you are taxed as if you had played two weeks. This 
 I kicked up such a row about, that perchance my successors may find 
 the imposition removed ; I hope so. At all events, I have herein 
 warned them. 
 
 We played also at the Templars Hall, a charming little room well 
 worthy of a trial by any one attempting Entertainments. Not so well 
 situated as the Mechanics , but not half the price ; and people will go 
 there as readily as to the other, if the entertainment be worthy of a visit. 
 
 Hamilton is curiously inhabited. There are more Englishmen there 
 without any apparent occupation, and living upon apparently nothing, 
 than in any other town in Canada. There are lots of billiard tables, 
 and they (the inhabitants) play ; there is a cricket ground but I never 
 saw any of them there, except in the capacity of lookers on. They seem 
 to be an exiled lot, always looking out for, and expecting something that 
 never turns up. They are constantly in the various stores i.e. shops 
 which here are good, without display, but never seem to purchase any 
 thing ; and, in short, I never could make head or tail of them. 
 
 Germans, too, here abound. They are principally dealers in Lager 
 bier and professors of music many of them combining the two pro 
 fessions finding, I fancy, the former unprofitable without the latter, 
 and the latter dry without the former. 
 
 One of these professors played for us three nights, and on each 
 occasion made a dreadful "mull" of it. I thought he was nervously 
 excited, but was afterwards informed that he was exceedingly drunk, 
 and in sending for his bill found that he expected to get three dols. a 
 night for half an hour s work. I paid him two, and had the gratifica 
 tion of seeing him, a few nights afterwards, playing on an old stringed 
 
 K 
 
74 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 instrument in an underground Lager bier establishment, for his supper, 
 and a limited allowance of the delectable liquid. Beware of German 
 professors ! 
 
 After a very pleasant stay of three or four weeks at Hamilton, we 
 returned, as we had pre-arranged to do, to Kingston, for the " Great 
 Exhibition" week ; and, according to promise, I will now tell you a 
 little more about Kingston than I did before. 
 
 There are but two hotels in Kingston where a body may comfortably 
 roost " The British American," and " Irons Hotel." I believe the 
 latter is called an hotel. The former w r e put up at, and a most com 
 fortable house it is. Mr. Kent, the landlord, and his pretty sister, are 
 the best caterers in every respect ; so, of course, I say to my followers, 
 go thither ! However, on the present occasion, as the sitting room we 
 on our former visit occupied was metamorphosed into a bed-room, or 
 room of beds, for I believe they pigged about a dozen in it, nightly, we 
 went to a little cottage on the outskirts of the town, kept by a Mrs. 
 Green, by which we saved innumerable dollars, and lost a deal of 
 inconvenience from the crowd, dust, noise, &c. To anyone going to 
 Kingston, and preferring a lodging to an inn, I can recommend Mrs. 
 Green and her unpretending, but scrupulously clean cottage. It is well 
 known ; so, easily found. 
 
 The public buildings of Kingston are ridiculously large for the re 
 quirements of the place ; they are, moreover, handsome ; but there is 
 nothing in them, and they stand alone in melancholy magnificence. The 
 shops go in couples two music stores, two drapers, two printers ; 
 two everything, side by side in inert rivalry. They all are fast closed 
 at seven o clock, as are the eyes of their proprietors at eight ; and the lamps 
 when they are lighted, go out simultaneously with the cats who, by- 
 the-way, are the most rampaginous crew I ever had the misfortune to 
 listen to. 
 
 The inhabitants seem principally Irish and Scotch, and are very dirty 
 and discontented, and most prolific (I speak of the lower orders). One 
 young lady was presented to us upon her safe delivery of four fine boys ; 
 and I was told the same good luck had attended no less than three 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 75 
 
 industrious families during the present year. Great Nature ! I fancy 
 the Kingstonites must have had something to do with the before-men 
 tioned rapid populating of Toronto. But it is not a matter of history, or 
 any matter of mine so, en resume. 
 
 On sallying forth on the morning after our arrival, and a lovely 
 morning it was, the strangest of all strange crowds thronged the streets. 
 Every manner of man, from the cloaked Indian or rough back- woodsman, 
 up to the French Canadian swell or sombre-coated officer of Canadian 
 Rifles ; and women ! all attempt at describing them would fall far short 
 of fact. I do think I saw some of the loveliest specimens of " Earth s 
 fairest daughters," in an unpolished state, my eyes ever looked on. I saw, 
 seated on the front seat of a rudely constructed waggon, one young girl, 
 not more than seventeen I should say, slight, but round as an apple 
 stem, who finding the sun warmish to her naked shoulders, let her hair 
 down, tuck it in under her, as if it were a garment, and then slily make 
 a loop-hole in her tresses, through which to keep up the fire of her 
 eyes upon the countenance of her swarthy male companion, apparently 
 the most ardent of lovers. 
 
 There were, also, as the day waxed older, no end of " fine ladies, 
 but they are the same everywhere ; and, as I don t think they excel 
 either in beauty or style in Canada, " least said, soonest mended !" 
 
 Vehicles of every description, and beyond all description ; go, it is no 
 
 use my trying at . The Exhibition itself took place in, or rather 
 
 the place that took in the Exhibition, was a large glass case about a 
 mile out of the town ; and the Exhibition comprised, and the case con 
 tained everythiug inanimate, from a sheet anchor to a shirt-pin. All, I 
 thought, of an inferior or antediluvian description. The furs, skins, 
 horns, tusks, and stuffed animal and bird specimens, much excited me, 
 and extracted a great deal of superfluous cash from my pocket. Beyond 
 these, I was not tempted. 
 
 There was a Cattle Show ; but shades of my ancestral short-horns ! 
 they fell very short of every animal useful, or eatable essential. 
 
 Lucille roared at the pigs, and ran away from the cows which were 
 decidedly of the genus wild ; and, I should opine, wicked to boot. 
 
76 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 Evening came, and with it our first performance at " The Sons of 
 Temperance" Hall. (There s a name for you !) The City Hall was en 
 gaged by the Exhibition judges, &c. It was not a large room, and our 
 stage was a joke, as a shake hands therefrom with all the reserved seats was 
 quite practicable. That, however, didn t matter ; and people came in 
 crowds, and sat on each other s laps, and cracked nuts, and ate apples, 
 and paid their dollar a head like sensible holiday people, as they were. 
 
 This went on every night throughout the week, until Saturday, 
 when a most awful reverse occurred unequalled, unparalleled un 
 Good gracious ! 
 
 At the usual time on this eventful evening we repaired to the hall, 
 fully calculating on completing the sum of 500 dollars (receipts of five 
 nights, we should then have played), being only fifty dollars short of 
 that amount ; and in high glee, we undressed, and were three parts 
 dressed, when it suddenly struck me that the assembling (as I 
 supposed) audience were unusually orderly, and I communicated my 
 opinion through our curtain-screen to Lucille, who replied, " That she 
 supposed that they had drank up all their money, and were sober." 
 
 Our faithful slavey at this juncture made InY appearance, his serio 
 comic mug manifesting considerable uneasiness. He volunteered his 
 opinion as follows : 
 
 " Please, sir, I somehow think there won t be no one here to night." 
 
 " What ?" 
 
 " No one are corned yet" 
 
 " Eh ?" 
 
 " Only the two gals from the house free as is sitting in front seats." 
 
 " Bless my soul !" 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Oh, they ll tumble in by-and-bye, I dare say." 
 
 " Then they must tumble out a-bed, a purpose." 
 
 " Bed !" 
 
 " Yes, sir, all gone long ago town quite empty Exhibition shut up, 
 and all the shutters, and nobody anywheres." 
 
 " Then we had better shut up, too, I suppose?" 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 77 
 
 " Yes sir ; and send sharp for the beer at supper, or you won t get 
 none, cos all the bar people s done up, and they won t wake up for 
 nobody cos I tried as I come along, and there s a gentleman down 
 stairs wants to see you." 
 
 * ****** 
 
 The first burst of disgust over, we laughed immensely over our 
 blighted hopes, and Lucille asked me, " Why our room was like the 
 Port wine, that day, at luncheon ?" 
 
 " Because there was no(body) in it." 
 
 Anything was better than being serious so, my dear, yet I fear me 
 outraged, reader, you must guess how jolly we were by the fact that I 
 forgave Lucille the joke. 
 
 We found upon investigation that everybody had gone to bed, and 
 even the cats were scarce and comparatively quiet ; not a soul came to 
 the Hall but " the gentleman down stairs," who had driven twelve 
 miles to see us play, and of course didn t. He declared it was three 
 years since he had taken the trouble of " hossing" it into Kingston, and 
 this would be his last visit in the flesh. He swore a little, and left ; 
 his retiring audible words being, " Al-icays said as this Kingstown was 
 the d st hole out west, and now I knows it ! Ga way, hoss !" 
 
 I beg to say that our audiences during the Exhibition week were 
 of a totally different order to those who attended our former entertain 
 ments, and do so that my kind friends at Kingston, should any of them 
 read these pages, may not think I class them with our nut-cracking, 
 apple-munching patrons of the present, or rather just past occasion. 
 
 " A little circumstance" which annoyed me at the time, I must here 
 mention, with the philanthropic hope of preventing anyone else from 
 being similarly annoyed. 
 
 I had received a letter from my agent in England, with a draft upon 
 the Bank of British North America, drawn by one of their own English 
 branches. This I presented at the office of the Kingston Branch 
 of the said bank, when they told me I must take or send it to New 
 York twas of no use anywhere else. I asked them to telegraph to 
 New York at my expense, to ask if it was there advised, and was told 
 

 78 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 by the head man and a very rude head man, too that they did not act 
 upon telegraph messages, or attend in any way to them. 
 
 So, if I had been " hard up" I should have had to have kicked my 
 heels amongst the Kingstonites and the cats, for some four or five days 
 before I could have obtained the money, which then would have been 
 subjected to black mail in the shape of " collecting." The branch from 
 the main bank, forsooth ! Moral : When you travel in Canada, have a 
 letter of credit on a Canadian bank, or the cash in Canadian notes, for 
 you will get neither civility nor assistance from those who, in the same 
 position in England, are ever willing to give both, and even strain A 
 point to oblige a bonafide and accredited traveller. 
 
 At Montreal, on one occasion, I had a 100 Bank of England Post 
 Bill going the rounds of the banks for two days, the reason generally 
 assigned for the refusal of negotiating, being "that they had more 
 English paper than they wanted." But at no bank did I receive 
 downright incivility, but at the branch bank of the Bank of British 
 North America, in Kingston. I promised the gentleman behind the 
 counter I would remember him, and having done so, hie we on with 
 our " discourse." 
 
 On the day following the lamentable termination of our Kingston 
 performances, two gentlemen called and asked me what I would take to 
 go to Belleville, a small town some forty miles north west of Kingston, 
 and play two nights. 
 
 Having an object in view viz., to complete a certain sum of money 
 by a certain time, and also having a vague idea that I might be shortly 
 called upon to disburse more than I was likely to make (for which 
 when found make note of), I agreed to give two entertainments at the 
 theatre, which was represented to me as new, just finished, and a perfect 
 bijou, for 50 dols. each night ; and, the bargain closed, off we started for 
 Belleville. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 79 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 BELLEVILLE. 
 
 OF all the melancholy, miserable, misanthropic-looking places I ever 
 saw, Belleville is the beau ideal. It " beats Banagher." About a year 
 back, a large portion was burnt down, and the blackened ruins still 
 stand, and seem likely to stand, unless the wind blows them down, 
 which is also likely ; in either case I am sure there would be no 
 attempt to rebuild them. There are two banks, but I don t think there s 
 any money in them, for they are situated quite unsafely some way out 
 of the town. There is one hotel, and therein was our only solace. The 
 Defoe House, kept by Mr. Warren, is a most comfortable hostelrie, and 
 reasonable in charges. The theatre in which we played was new with 
 a vengeance so new that it consisted of simply lath and plaster ; the 
 lessee, a Mr. Lester, did all he could to make it endurable, but ye 
 gods ! I never was so cold, and Lucille and myself to this day regret 
 having taken fifty dols. a night to play at Belleville. The audience, 
 numerous and respectable on the first night, would not turn out on the 
 second ; but having signified their approval of the performance by a 
 deputation from some of the "leading inhabitants," and Mr. Warren 
 having kindly offered the free use of his large dining-room, we played a 
 third night, on our own account, to a paying audience, who were kind 
 enough to forgive our involuntary variations in the shape of sneezings, 
 wheezings, and other unmusical introductions. The press (that is, the 
 one paper) was lenient, and our bill was light, so, malgre the exceeding 
 dulness of the town, we left Belleville with a blessing. Ho ! back to 
 Hamilton. 
 
 What did we go back to Hamilton for? 
 
 Why, because everybody was going to Hamilton, of course, to see the 
 great Cricket Match between the All England Eleven and the Canadian 
 Twenty-two, and which I was not not going to miss, if I knew it ; I 
 
80 A THEATRICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 couldn t get away to see the game either at Montreal or New York, 
 which I shall always regret, that at the latter place especially, as I 
 should not only have considerable benefited my banker s account, but 
 should have had the consummate gratification of seeing the self- sup 
 posed invincible New York Twenty-two and their backers, taken down 
 an infinity of pegs a result which I publicly prophesied when and 
 wherever I had an opportunity of so doing, during my late sojourn in 
 New York. As it was, however, I did manage to relieve one Republican 
 enthusiast of his odds of four to one, to the tune of eight hundred 
 dollars. 
 
 We arrived at our old quarters, in Hamilton, on the same day 
 (Sunday, October 16th), as did Mr. Pickering, the factotum and com- 
 mander-in-chief of the British Forces, albeit fighting on the other 
 side. This may read strangely to many, through the cricket-playing 
 portion of my readers will easily understand me, so " Nuff said." 
 
 This gentleman I remembered being at Eton with me so forthwith in 
 troduced myself to his notice, and found him, as I have all Etonians, at 
 home or abroad, a right good fellow. What Etonian of well, a certain 
 age, does not recollect " B 1" Pickering ? Cannot I now see him 
 seconding Boudier, in his memorable tournay with black Tom, the 
 fighting chimney-sweep, in Batchelor s Acre, or heading the score 
 in Upper Shooting Fields, with no covering to his head but Nature s 
 thatch (which, habit, by-the-bye, he still sticks to*). However, go ahead ; 
 I ve no time much to individualize. 
 
 The whole town and neighbourhood were on the qui vim early in 
 the morning of Monday, to see the all- conquering cricket champions, 
 and Hamilton looked positively excited. 
 
 The Eleven put up at the opposition house, " The Anglo-American," 
 the proprietor of that establishment having volunteered to lodge them 
 for nothing. Opposition for ever. 
 
 The doctor s face was fine when he heard of his rival s liberality. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! they ll find out what nothing means, before they go, I ll 
 warrant ;" and I believe they did, But, as I understand my good friend 
 J. Lillywhite, is publishing the Tour of the Cricketers, I shall leave him 
 
 * No pun intended. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 81 
 
 to state his reminiscences on. that score, and proceed with my own. I 
 was, of course, personally known to many of the Eleven, and much 
 bothered they seemed to be at my change of name and appearance, and 
 " Why, captain, what have you done with your whiskers ?" was a question, 
 like the Yankee, " What do you think of the country ?" I got tired of 
 answering. 
 
 The first day s play did not commence until late in the afternoon, but 
 I went to the ground, and soon saw enough to assure me that my little 
 odds (of course, on the professionals), were safe, and that the Eleven 
 were not going to lose any laurels there. On the second day, Lucille, of 
 course, must go, and notwithstanding she was furred to the eyes, the 
 cold was so intense, that, having our own game in view, we soon quitted 
 one of the largest cricket audiences I ever saw. The numbers were 
 computed at eleven thousand. I thought there were more. 
 
 The Eleven turned out in the evening to see our entertainment, and, 
 of course, more than shared the honours thereof. That we didn t mind, 
 as they had no share in the " gate money," which on that evening was 
 remunerative. The following day, the third and last of the match, the 
 weather was of such an anti-cricket description, and so unmercifully 
 cold, that there was not a third of the former days attendance ; but 
 those who did go, had such an eye-opener in Caffyn and Jackson (I 
 think) who went in and scored the required number to win, forty-two, 
 without giving a chance to the shivering twenty-two Fielders, that I do 
 not think the Hamiltonians will care again to subscribe to such another 
 three days farce. 
 
 It is a fact, though, perhaps, a hitherto-unrecorded one, that on 
 the day just mentioned, the Eleven having to go in, as before stated, 
 for forty- two to win, so sure were they of doing it, that two of them 
 only went to the ground; and the assertion laughed at over night, 
 of, " If it isn t finer to-morrow, there will be only two of us wanted," 
 was verified to the very letter- 2 they, Jackson and Caffyn, made the 
 required score, and carried out their bats, Caffyn playing the greater part 
 of the time in his great-coat! 
 
 And now, Hamilton, I have to be ashamed of you you, aspiring 
 city, and would be Queen of the West with more Englishmen re- 
 
 L 
 
82 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 siding in your limits than any other town in Canada you, because 
 (it could scarcely be for any other reason) your dearly beloved Cana 
 dian Twenty-two were beaten at a game they considered themselves equal 
 if not superior to any Englishmen that could be " brought all that 
 way" (eh V my dear B ?) to play them. You refuse in council to 
 give this unrivalled team the complimentary dinner, vouchsafed to 
 them by Americans and Canadians on all their other battle-grounds ! 
 In sheer disgust at this unexpected shabbiness, I yes, 7, Oh, reader 
 sent an invitation to the Eleven, umpires, and followers, to dine 
 with me at " The Koyal," which, however, Mr. Pickering declined, 
 upon the ground of having to start at seven o clock the next morning 
 for Rochester, though what that had to do with dining at six the 
 night before, I don t know. I suppose Mr. P. did. Eheu ! Time 
 was, when he didn t. 
 
 A few words more about that Eleven, and I have done. I don t 
 think their cricketing friends in England have half appreciated the 
 adventure. They would, if they only knew the temptations to which 
 those eleven men were subjected in the course of their tour, and it 
 redounds immensely to their credit, one and all, that they should 
 have passed through the ordeal in the manly, upright manner in which, 
 like thoroughbred cricketers, they did. The Americans, especially 
 New Yorkers, were greatly annoyed at their keeping themselves so 
 much to themselves i.e. not visiting the innumerable restaurants 
 and other haunts of the thirsty, and poisoning their " innards" with the 
 various vile concoctions, yclept " cocktails," " smashes," " egg nogs," 
 &c., &c., therein dispensed. 
 
 Somebody speaking to me of their abstemiousness from spirits, said, 
 "I guess champagne must be cheaper in your country than in ourn, 
 those cricket chaps did nothing but drink it all day long ; kinder ex 
 pensive keeping, I reckon. Say, how much do they airn a day, now ?" 
 On my expressing my inability to say, he " conclewded" that " them 
 darned democratic drinks kinder disagreed with their cussed proud 
 stomicks. Set of darned shoe-makers, and sorter servants. Yah 1" 
 
 I could mention many amusing anecdotes connected with the cele 
 brated visit of the All England Eleven ; but Mr. L. and his book hang 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 83 
 
 over my bead like the fabled sword so, I sball selfishly preserve them 
 for my own drawing-room, or rather dining-room Entertainment, and 
 leave Mr. L. to bestow them on the public. 
 
 I now approach a subject on which I shall, of course, be expected to 
 dilate to the full stretch of my powers, both of poetry and prose. 
 ***** 
 
 No, sir, and madam, can t do it. I will give you all that I can 
 explain on paper of what I saw, and nothing more than I can help of 
 what I thought. 
 
 Niagara ! the great, the glorious, the everlasting ! (that is, of 
 things terrestrial, or rather waterrestrial), is situated just forty miles 
 from Hamilton ; and one fine day having nothing to do, it suddenly 
 struck me that we hadn t been there. 
 
 Verily, how little we care to see what can be seen without trouble, 
 however well worth seeing it be. A shopkeeper told me that he had 
 been four years in Hamilton, and thought of going to Niagara, but had 
 not been yet." However, we went ; and this is how we did it. 
 
 Started by train at six in the evening, and reached the " British," a 
 small inn on the Canadian side of the Niagara Suspension Bridge, about 
 eight. Oddly enough we found that one of the three landlords (brothers) 
 had come out in the " Niagara" with us. Renewing a Niagara acquaint 
 ance at Niagara, eh ? of course, he and they made us very comfortable. 
 The large hotels were closed, as the summer company had dispersed to 
 winter quarters some weeks since, so I cannot speak to their capabilities ; 
 but can recommend the " British" to all small parties seeking shelter 
 and civility, situated within four miles of the Falls, and commanding a 
 fine view of the most beautiful suspension bridge in the world. 
 
 My never-satisfied reader will now be anticipating a graphic recital of 
 how through the night I tossed, and could notsleep my close proximity 
 to the watery giant rendering me feverish and fanciful. Not a bit of 
 it ! My last glass of whisky toddy was sufficiently potent to dispel the 
 jumps, and though once in the night I did cock my ears, and ask myself 
 whether Niagara was on the sea coast, I don t remember any other illu 
 sion or inconvenience, further than that of being awoke in the morning, 
 some three hours earlier than had of late been my wont. 
 
84 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER X, 
 NIAGARA. 
 
 IT was essentially a damp moraing, but on being assured by the united 
 voices of the landlords, backed by a very old inhabitant, that it was 
 going to be a very fine day for the Falls, for the time of year, I 
 awoke Lucille by playfully throwing a handful of pebbles against 
 her window (the consequence of which cost me half a dollar) ; and 
 in due time we found ourselves in high spirits and a seedy sort 
 of char-a-banc, enjoying a drive on the Canadian side of the great 
 now rough, then smooth, and always soupy-looking river. Our 
 driver, of course an Irishman, pointed out all the remarkable points. 
 The only one which, however, I thought much of, and closely scru 
 tinised, was where Blondin performed his tight-rope trip, backwards 
 and forwards, and the more I looked at it the more I marvelled. 
 My ejaculation of " Wonderful feat !" having been taken up by Paddy 
 with, " Yes, an the divil a shoe on them ayther, but baskets, the 
 hay then !" summarily wound up nay ocular and verbal remarks; and 
 in a few moments, " Now, yer honner can see the smoke." 
 
 " The what ?" 
 
 " The smoke the stame !" 
 
 "Ay, ay, I understand ; the steam of the boiling water, eh ?" 
 
 " Bilin! Divil a Ah ! yer honner s joking. Ha ! ha ! ha !" 
 
 and Paddy, as in duty bound, having slapped his thigh, and apparently 
 nearly choked himself with his appreciation of my wit, proceeded to 
 inform us that this " stame" was so thick sometimes, that ladies and 
 gentlemen were wet through before they got within a mile of the " Shoe," 
 which I didn t believe, and suggested the assistance of a shower of rain, 
 which Paddy said was alfo " Plenty in them parts, by raison of the 
 whirrlpull, bekase as how it drawd all the wather downnards !" With 
 such like discourse, we soon found ourselves opposite the American 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 85 
 
 Falls, which, viewed from our side, looked insignificant to the eye that 
 had in imagination pictured what couldn t be. 
 
 A few hundred yards further, and we pulled up opposite a tall white 
 house, with an observatory on the top of it, and the Great Horse Shoe 
 Fall, rumbling and tumbling within twenty feet of the door. 
 
 I never could describe anything even things easy of description 
 so those of my readers who have been driving with me to Niagara, and 
 want to know all about it, won t. Don t throw things about. Pick up 
 the book again, and we ll see what we can do for you. Impatience. 
 
 You want to know about Niagara. Well, send to all the circulating 
 libraries in your ken, and get all the works that treat upon the subject, 
 read them all at the same time, occasionally varying the monotony 
 of the employment by placing a few of them upside down, or crosswise, 
 and commence the last page first, and you will know as much of 
 Niagara when you have gone mad or asleep over the occupation, as 
 you did before you began it, and as much as you are likely to know 
 unless you see it. There it is the greatest jumble in creation. It 
 took me but a few hours to get to it, and I havn t got back yet. I am at 
 Niagara still ! Don t tell me I can t hear the roaring, and the rumpus, and 
 the riot. I tell you I can. Can t I see the glorious spraj-bows ! Can t I 
 see the mad-cap waters away far off miles ! coming on, laughing 
 in the sunlight laughing, dancing, shouting, jumping ! Nearer, 
 nearer roaring bounding ! I had almost said swearing. Whirr-r-r 
 over she goes ! down down ! Oh, no, 1 can t see it of course 
 not. Hark back ! 
 
 We hadn t been long at the " Shoe," and I hadn t had time to spend 
 more than seventy dols. upon Indian fans, furs, bird-skins, beads, and 
 such like useful and ornamental articles, when we were joined by Mr. 
 Eves, a gentleman whose pleasant acquaintance we had cultivated at 
 Hamilton, and who, taking compassion on our green and unprotected 
 state, had followed to see us safely through the sights. I say us, though 
 I did not benefit much by his kind attention that commodity being 
 exclusively lavished on Lucille, who, encouraged and supported by his 
 experienced tongue, and stalwart arm, actually approached an inch and 
 a half nearer to the edges of the various abysses than she otherwise 
 
86 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 would. Well, we have seen the Horse Shoe Fall from the top I m off 
 to investigate the bottom ; and tearing myself away from my party, 
 with many expressed wishes from Lucille that I wouldn t, and uuex- 
 pressed ones from our Cicerone that I would, I descended to the foot of 
 the watery Pandemomium, and arraying myself in a suit of waterproof, 
 I proceeded with a guide to go underneath the fall. 
 
 Now, look here, reader ; I am not a man given to pulling up when 
 I have once started, nor do I think I lack my proper share of pluck ; 
 but, upon my honour, when I found myself crawling along a slimy ledge, 
 with nothing to hold on by but my eyelids, within a few feet of a Mam 
 moth cauldron of mad, ginger-beer-like, unmanufactured-meerschaum- 
 looking liquid, and a solid green v\all of ten thousand tons of glancing, 
 sparkling, dazzling water, falling within a few inches of my nose, my 
 own absurd smallness became momentarily so uncomfortably apparent, 
 that I thereupon set such an inconceivable amount of value on what 
 there was of me, my whole, sole, and only thought was, " If ever I get 
 safely out of this, you ll never catch me in it again !" And having 
 penetrated as far as the guide, in dumb show, informed me, anybody 
 goes, I slipped, sidled, and finally sloped back to my party ; and after 
 partaking of as stiff a jorum of well, they called it brandy and water 
 as ever was concocted, I declared myself ready to lead on or follow 
 wherever our friend suggested, this time determining he should be my 
 companion in all future explorings. What did I want him for ? Never 
 you mind. I had my reasons. 
 
 We drove back to our hotel, stopping by the way at Booth s Museum, 
 where, if any of my readers ever go, they will &pend a very pleasant 
 hour or so, and a very great number of dollars if they are curiosity 
 hunting. Mr. Booth is a curiosity in himself i.e., he is moderate in 
 his charges, and genuine in his articles, withal civil and obliging to 
 purchasers, and those who only come to " pull his things about." 
 
 I increased my expenditure considerably here, of course ; Booth s 
 Museum is about half way on the right hand side between Niagara 
 Bridge and the Falls. 
 
 When we returned to the " British" we had a big lunch, and I never 
 drank so much intoxicating liquid in my life in so short a sitting, 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 87 
 
 Lucille said I should be muzzy ; but did you ever, my dear sir, feel in 
 that semi-excited, semi-sleepy, wholly don t-carish condition, a buoyancy in 
 the heart and elasticity in the head, as if the two but required any amount 
 of liquor to make them hooroosh together, and go inat anything getting 
 drunk was an improbability, if you have, you know, my sensation, 
 after returning from the watery landscape I have just attempted in 
 my own way to describe. After lunch we started over the suspension 
 bridge for the American side of the river. 
 
 The suspension bridge ; I should like to stop in the middle of 
 it, and ask a question or two. Reader, did you ever see a bridge 
 anywhere in your travels that you could sit down midway on it, or 
 at both ends I mean one after the other, and then go down under 
 neath it, and then wish for a balloon to go up over it, and forget 
 all about breakfast and dinner, and supper, and politics, and not care 
 
 for anything but the bridge, for well, ever so long, and get up early 
 
 the next morning, after a hard day s work, to go and have a quiet look 
 at a bridge any bridge you have ever seen. If you have done this 
 much, you needn t come to Niagara, because it would be tedious to have 
 to do it all over again. 
 
 Can t I draw ? Of course I can draw ; but I cannot draw either Niagara 
 Falls, or Niagara Suspension Bridge. No more could you, or anyone 
 else that ever drawd, and do them justice. 
 
 The American side is, in my opinion, far the prettiest drive, and 
 the view of the Falls from Goat Island, the finest. I did enjoy 
 myself. Eves, who had seen everything a hundred times, and lost his 
 eye for the magnificent, contented himself with feasting the same upon 
 what he considered better worth looking at, and he enjoyed himself. 
 Lucille was frightened to death every five minutes, lest the earth 
 should give way under her, or that I should tumble into the 
 water, and enjoyed herself. We meditated a further outlay at a 
 curiosity shop kept by a turnpike man, on the bridge over the 
 Kapids, but this individual s exceeding amount of Yankee impu 
 dence tied up our purse-strings, and we went home, suffering much 
 from high spirits and bodily fatigue. By-the-bye, Grantley Berkeley 
 was " doing the Falls" on the same day as ourselves, and I wrote my 
 name in the Visitors Book on Goat Island, immediately underneath 
 his. There s a chance for autograph collectors ! 
 
88 A THEATRICAL TKIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 One day at Niagara is the same as another, weather permitting, unless 
 you tumble in, or something of the kind happens to damp your ardour 
 so, having given you a sample, I will not stop at Niagara any longer, 
 but, hurry back to Hamilton, pay my bill, have a final chaff with the 
 doctor, and off we go, our destination being Ottowa, the chosen site of 
 the New House of Parliament. I forgot to say that while at Hamilton 
 we journeyed to a place called St. Catherine s, a cold- water-cure spa, 
 about twenty miles off, and there gave an entertainment to the most 
 queer of all queer audiences. The proprietor, a Mr. (or, as they called 
 him, Colonel) Stevenson, gave us the use of the room (his dining-room) 
 gratis, and our stage consisted of all the dining tables put together at 
 the end of the room, with a perilous centre entrance from the "washing 
 up" regions beyant, by means of two ice-pails and a knife-board. We 
 dressed in our private rooms for the commencement of the piece, and 
 being ready in good time, I betook myself downstairs to see that all 
 was right for Lucille s and my own quick changes ; while so occupied, 
 Stocks came to me, and with a preliminary and unusual grin, said 
 
 You ll have to be very funny to-night, sir ; I never see such a rum 
 set. They all got one foot in the grave, and the other in bandages ! 
 There s an old gout has got three blackies to carry him down, and he s 
 got a thing like a brass blunderbuss put to his ear, and they ll have to 
 tell him what you say ; and there s a lady all rolled up in a blanket, 
 and she s a going to sit close alongside of the stage to be out of the 
 draught, and " here I was obliged to cut his catalogue of eccentrici 
 ties, in order to prepare Lucille for the sight, knowing the abilities of 
 her risible muscles, when anything ridiculous in the audience catches 
 her eye while acting. We had a very full room, nearly all ladies, always 
 (I hope to be forgiven) a most unpleasant audience, especially if the 
 actress be pretty, and the actor so intent upon himself and his business, 
 to care about them on theirs. 
 
 After the performance was over, and the debtor and creditor account 
 " totled" up, I found that Colonel Stevenson though charging nothing 
 for the room, made up for his munificence by piling up his bill, and 
 sticking me in Jive dollars for gas the very outside extra cost, must 
 have been inside Ji/ty cents. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 89 
 
 I was so disgusted with this imposition, that though I had pro 
 grammes out for a second night, and people had taken their tickets, and 
 it would have paid us to have played, I packed up ; and when I should 
 have been making my bow to the Stevenson House audience, we were 
 quietly enjoying our dinners in Hamilton. 
 
 From Hamilton we went to London ; but both Lucille and myself 
 having colds, and not liking the aspect of " things in general," we 
 dropped the professional for awhile, and dined at seven o clock, and ate 
 cheese and vegetables, and walked about without being stared at, the 
 same as other people. 
 
 We stayed one night at Port Hope on our way to Ottowa, and, much 
 to my displeasure, I found that my original quarters were the only 
 ones that I could put up at, the opposition house being closed for 
 repairs. I have heard since, that this place and its proprietor have 
 " shut up," which I sincerely trust may be the fate of a few others, my 
 limits prevent me from noticing which, both house and landlord, 
 instead of being a blessing to the weary and confiding traveller, are 
 gross impositions, a " delusion and a snare." We arrived at the Pres- 
 cott Junction, where the line branches off for Ottowa, at an early hour 
 on a bitterly cold morning. We were tired, and preferred* chancing a 
 part night s rest to an entire night s railway shaking, and suffered by 
 our preference. Don t ye, Oh my followers, do likewise ! 
 
 Unpromising as the " house of call" was externally, its interior 
 arrangements were even more unprepossessing still. Beds there were, 
 
 and a roof, and beer, and well, there, I don t know what Heenan s 
 
 eyes were like, when he left off with Sayers, but he couldn t have been 
 more blind than was I when I essayed to look at my watch, after having 
 suffered excruciating torture for some five hours, and thought it " time 
 to get up." However, " it is an ill wind," &c., &c. as was shown as 
 follows. Having contrived to prop one eyelid open, and thereby 
 managed to manoeuvre myself into my clothes, I went down in no very 
 agreeable state of mind and body, you may be sure, and on presenting 
 myself before the landlord of the so-called hotel (an enormous Irishman), 
 ere I could give vent to my feelings, as I intended, I was greeted with 
 
 M 
 
90 A THEATKICAL TKIP FOE A WAGER, 
 
 " By the powers ! but they ve bin and sarved you shameful ! Come 
 here, man !" And before I knew what he was up to, I fuund my head 
 grasped in one hand, while with the other, he knocked out the ashes of 
 his pipe upon the table, and in an inconceivable short time manufac 
 tured a sort of mercurial-looking ointment, by means of you may 
 
 guess what; and, in spite of my struggles, plentifully applied, and 
 rubbed in, the pleasant compound into my eyebrows, cheeks, and fore 
 head, then releasing me with a jerk, and surveying his manipulation 
 with a grin of satisfaction, he said, " There let it bide, if ye plaze, and 
 ye ll be sound as an apple in five minutes." This prophecy proved 
 correct, and I thereby profited in the possession of a valuable recipe, 
 which since (self-mixed, and self-applied), I have never known in similar, 
 or cases of mosquito, gnat, or nettle sting, to fail. 
 
 One other, and pleasanter little circumstance connected with Pres- 
 cott, I deem worth mentioning viz., that just previously to leaving, I 
 purchased in the smallest tobacconist s shop I ever saw, some of the 
 finest tobacco I ever smoked. It bore the funny name of " Billy 
 Bowlegs" I have never been able to get the identical stuff since, and 
 herein make honourable mention of it, and weep its absence. 
 
 We reached Ottowa about four o clock in the afternoon, and, for the 
 first time in Canada, travelled in a coach without wheels ; the ground 
 was covered with snow, and every conveyance was converted into a 
 sleigh. Lucille s only expressed remark on the subject was, that it 
 " bumped awfully." We arrived, without adventure or mishap, at 
 " The George" (I think), a very old-fashioned English-looking inn (as 
 " Georges" mostly are everywhere), where we were met by one Jos. 
 Lee, a friend of our friend, Captain B., of quondam mention an Eng 
 lishman, something in the Customs, a soi-disant actor, and present pro 
 prietor of the theatre, which was just built and not yet opened, a 
 particularly gentlemanly "jolly" fellow. I had written to him to do the 
 necessary for me, in the billing and posting, &c., and he had spared no 
 pains to make the thing public. He had rented a sort of chapel for 
 us that is, it had been a chapel, and was now a Sunday-school arid 
 concert-room, and a very uncomfortable-looking concern. However, it 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 91 
 
 was " Hobson s choice that or none" therefore we played therein, and 
 and when, from the dens where we dressed (I thought at one time that 
 Lncille was practising the cachuca, her chattering teeth doing the 
 castanets, and her feet beating time), I heard the clatter of hoofs and 
 a hum of voices, I vowed I would not again belie vein appearances. The 
 hall was quite full, and with an audience determined to be pleased. 
 The second night it was crowded, and I was savage that I had taken 
 the advice of (of course) good authority to " only play two nights, as the 
 people were very slow there, and wouldn t stand more." 
 
 I verily believe we might have done good business for a fortnight, as 
 I had not been idle with my pen, and we now boasted three distinct 
 entertainments. However, we had made engagements to appear at 
 Montreal and Quebec, and could not stay. 
 
 We devoted our last unoccupied day to a drive to the Falls, and 
 other sights round and about the city. The Falls (as we saw them) are 
 in many respects much more beautiful and interesting than Niagara. 
 
 The day was intensely cold, but bright and sunny. There were rocks 
 and cones of solid ice of most fantastic shapes, and a myriad of Koh-i- 
 noors could not have equalled the beauty of the prismatic colouring. 
 The height of the Falls is, of course, nothing equal to Niagara, nor the 
 volume of the water nearly so great ; but I felt more excitement, inas 
 much that while the latter occasions a solemn wonder at its falling 
 masses, which look as if they would continue to fall in the same direc 
 tion, with the same regularity and the same sound, until Doomsday, 
 the Ottawas are perpetually startling you with the idea that in 
 their uproarious wildness, they ll make a rush at you, or turn round, 
 and run sowewhere else, or do something that water never did before ; 
 and, as you may have remarked, while listening to some swollen moun 
 tain torrent in the still night, the roar and rush rise and fall upon the 
 ear now loud, now dying away, and at irregular intervals ; so do the 
 Falls of Ottowa only, of course, magnified many thousand degrees. But 
 then, as I said before, I cannot do the descriptive ; so, if my readers 
 know no more of the Ottowa Falls than they did before, I can t help it, 
 
 A tremandous snow-storm came on about four in the afternoon, and 
 effectually stopped our wanderings, but not before we had visited the 
 
92 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 site of the new Parliament Buildings : and 1 had time to decide that a 
 ]ovelier spot was not to be found in all Canada ; and if neutral ground 
 is an object with the powers that be, they have dropped upon it, and no 
 mistake, for it would take a clever geographer to say whether the same 
 stands in Upper or Lower Canada. Had I time, I here feel inclined to 
 go in at a little bit of politics, but possibly I might put my foot in it, so 
 I will content myself with saying that the present feelings of the two 
 Canadas towards each other must not, and cannot, continue. There will 
 be a row, and North America loveth us not. Unity is strength, &c., &c. 
 
 Do you know what I would do if I were somebody ? I would do 
 
 away with the present tin-pot show of Government, and make a Regency 
 of Canada. Why not ? Take the vote of every landowner and house 
 holder of all grades in Upper and Lower Canada, and know then the 
 opinion of those whose opinion is only worth knowing. There is a 
 growing Republicanism, and a bastard Americanism, in our English 
 Canada, that may " put us up a tree" if left to fatten on its own free 
 filth and come to maturity, while we thought it yet in its cradle. Hoop- 
 de-dooden-doo ! There s a bit of politics, in spite of myself. 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 93 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 ONCE more in Montreal, and once more before an admiring audience ; 
 this time with proper preliminary notice and previous fame. Again, we 
 were indebted to Mr. Nordheimer s kind consideration, to the leniency 
 of the press, and the appreciation of the public. St. Andrew s Festival 
 was celebrated here during our stay, and, in compliance to the wishes 
 expressed to us by a deputation of the St. Andrew s committee, we 
 postponed our last performance to give our services for a song (literally 
 and figuratively) at the City Hall, an enormous edifice, on this occasion 
 crowded to suffocation with the aristocracy and tag-rag and bob-tail of 
 Canadian canny Scotland. Lucille sang "Annie Laurie," for the 
 Scotchmen, and " Robert toi qui j aime," for the Frenchmen (in which, 
 as I said before, Montreal abounds) ; and I sang " The Maple Leaf," a 
 Canadian national song, to the twain. We gained many laurels and a 
 few dollars by the transaction, and shortly bade farewell, a long farewell, 
 to tin-topped Montreal. I did riot leave our friend, M., and Mr. 
 Nordheimer, and the St. Lawrence Hall, without regret. We did 
 return for a few hours, en route for New York, but few knew it, and I 
 scarcely had time to say again, good-bye, though I shall have, in its 
 proper place, to recount the only really perilous adventure we under 
 went in the course of our journey, as occurring on our final departure 
 from Montreal. 
 
 Our second sojourn at Quebec, though it extended over five weeks, 
 was unmarked by much incident ; the snow now covered the ground 
 with a solid cake of purest whiteness, to the depth of some six or seven 
 feet. Oh, you don t believe it ! Well, ask anyone who has been in 
 Canada, how long it takes to do that, with a continuous fall and a 
 steady north-east wind, with the thermometer ten below Zero, and he 
 or they will answer, " About five days," or I am no true historian. 
 Blocks of ice, of acres in size, and four, five, and six feet in thickness, 
 rammed, jammed, and dam (I am not swearing), dammed up the great 
 
94 A THEATKICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 rapid river. Sleighing and tobogging, form the only amusement at this 
 season ; the latter-named, being one of the oddest pastimes for adults I 
 know of. It consists in a lady or gentleman dragging a plank of wood, 
 turned up like a skate at owe end, to the top of a steep snowy incline 
 then, seating themselves thereon, the lady in front (coudled between the 
 gentleman s legs), and sliding down to the bottom, at which happy ter 
 mination, in nine cases out of ten, the concern capsizes, and the lady 
 and gentleman, after an exciting struggle in the soft snow (the lady 
 has generally three or four pairs of trousers on, so it don t matter), get 
 up convulsed with laughter, and do it all over again. 
 
 We gave two farewell performances at Quebec, and, this time, had 
 my own money-taker, much to the evident chagrin of the lessee of the 
 Hall, who officiated as such on the former occasion. But Stocks had 
 now, by experience, " got up" in the business, and having been done, in 
 one or two instances, by unscrupulous bogus* money passers, was now 
 as cute as the cutest. Mr. \V., having no longer any, or at all events, 
 as much, interest, in the affair as formerly, I regret to say behaved some 
 what shabbily, and threw many impediments in our way ; and I unhesi 
 tatingly warn my followers, should they use this Hall, to be cautious in 
 the framing of their agreement. 
 
 The entertainments were well attended, and from hence I trans 
 mitted my final balance-sheet to England, showing a clear gain of 500, 
 achieved in little over six months, and almost solely by the representa 
 tion of the productions of works of my own pen ; by sale of songs of 
 my own composition, and books of entertainment of my own writing. 
 Here, also, I showed the manuscript of a portion of this little narrative, 
 and received a tempting offer from a speculative publisher for the copy 
 right of the same, in Canada, which doubtless T might, had I needed 
 it, have included in my honest gains, by my " talent, as actor, singer, 
 author, and composer." However, as there were one or two " items in 
 my account" that I thought might be objected to, I determined not to 
 slacken in my labours, and after a somewhat wearisome stay at the 
 " Clarendon" (which made a hole in a full purse Go not there!) in 
 Quebec, we bade adieu to the scene of the immortal Woolfe s victory and 
 death, and turned our faces southward to New York, via Montreal. 
 
 * A Yankee term for "sham." 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 95 
 
 We had an exciting passage across the river to Point Levi ; but thanks 
 to the kind assistance of a gentleman (who, I suppose, will forgive me 
 for here giving his name to the world ahem ! though I did not ask 
 his permission, as one of the select few of jolly good fellows men 
 tioned in this highly-meritorious work) we surmounted all difficulties 
 without further inconvenience than was consequent upon the uproar 
 ious laughter in which we were compelled to indulge. We crossed 
 in a large flat-bottomed canoe, steered by our friend Charlton, and 
 propelled by eight stalwart Canadian boatmen, sometimes high and dry 
 on a huge block of ice, when the crew were out in an instant, and swim 
 ming, wading, or struggling in all shapes and ways, they pulled and pushed 
 the canoe as if it were a sleigh until it went plump into the water again. 
 Then, such duckings and splashings to regain their seats then, out 
 oars, and away we would go some hundred yards, and shoot into a little 
 creek just wide enough for one boat s width, when we did a little bit of 
 punting with long iron-spiked poles Charlton watching every inlet 
 and outlet, as only one who had crossed in a similar fashion hundreds 
 of times could do, and steering with consummate nicety. The ice 
 on either side towered some five or six feet, so that occasionally he 
 would jump out, much to Lucille s horror, as he said, -to take the 
 bearings," and in again like a cat, with a " shove her along ! now 
 she goes ! now she don t ! out again, boys ! Lord, there s the water got 
 into my boots ! Miss Lucille, what are you laughing at ?" It took us 
 three quarters of-an-hour to do this amphibious (I know the term is 
 wrong, but never mind) journey, but with worse luck and less ex 
 perienced men, passengers are sometimes four or five hours out; 
 indeed, Stocks with the luggage, though he started an hour before, 
 arrived, with his ears frost-bitten, half-an-hour after us. 
 
 We had to stay the night at a sort of shebeen shop, apology for a 
 public house, and here a slight adventure must be chronicled, as it 
 tended to the enlargement of our little party. Lucille would have 
 with her, as her constant companion, a hermetically-sealed-to-all-but- 
 herself, bag what was in it I never to this day, knew. This bag was 
 my positive plague ; in railway carriages, boats, and bed-rooms, it was 
 
96 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 always " left behind again . " and, of course, poor Pill Garlick had to 
 send, go, or in some way retrieve said bag, often to the losing of a 
 train or boat, and always to the ditto of ray otherwise excellent 
 temper. On the present occasion when we had, as I thought, shaken 
 ourselves down for the night, and I was enjoying in anticipation the 
 demolition of a beef-steak the perfume of the trimmings of which 
 already pervaded our apartment I was horror-stricken on hearing a 
 familiar voice exclaim, in semi-angry accents, " Now, ma, you have 
 never gone and done it again ?" 
 
 I knew, instanter, what that meant. That blessed bag was left at the 
 railway station, or depot, and, of course, (Stocks being out on some 
 business or other), off I started (distance, little short of a mile) be 
 moaning the certain ruin of the steak, and mentally bestowing every 
 species of abuse upon the wretched bag. Arrived at the depot, I discovered 
 in the doubtful light the " left luggage" room ; I " pulled the bobbin, 
 and up went the latch" an oil lamp, nearly out, was on a table in the 
 centre of the barn-like apartment, and all round and about was strewed 
 and stored an indescribable confusion of " left" and right luggage. 
 
 " Anyone here ?" 
 
 Echo answered " nobody," which I thought irregular to say the 
 least of it. I took a turn round, and, " the saints be praised! 
 
 here s the bag !" I delightedly and audibly exclaimed, clutching 
 
 the article and turning to depart rejoicing. A deep growl deep, 
 determined, aud distractingly close to my dexter calf made me drop 
 the article like a hot potato, and I immediately became aware of the 
 presence of a pair of " glowing orbs," which experience warned me were 
 the property of a large animal of the canine species, lying crouched 
 beneath the afore mentioned table. I thought I would put the door 
 between me aud possible danger, and with that praiseworthy and 
 prudent intent, I backed towards the door, when, to my horror, that 
 wretched contrivance, seized by a wicked whim, or a gust of wind, 
 suddenly slammed to the beast sprang from underneath the table, 
 capsizing the same and extinguishing the light, and in less than no 
 time I felt a sharp cut on my face, a pair of heavy paws upon my 
 shoulders, aud over we went, hitting my head a nasty knock in my 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 97 
 
 descent against a particular sharp corner of something or other. I was 
 uppermost, that was something I held on like grirn Death to what 
 seemed to me an animated door-mat; and didn t I " holloa ?" Rather ! 
 
 " Now then, what s up ? -jist hold on, young un, till I. come ! Darn 
 it, whar s the glim ?" 
 
 " Hang the glim !" I said, blowing like a grampus, and not a little 
 frightened, too, " call your confounded dog away ! or I ll throttle him, 
 by G d !" 
 
 " No fear of that, lad !" was the new comer s pleasant reply; " look 
 out for thee own wizen, thee s cotched a Tartar this journey ! that s 
 fact !" 
 
 " Don t be a fool !" I exclaimed, feeling that my fingers had not the 
 slightest effect upon the brute s throat, and Jeeling also that I was 
 bleeding. " I am no thief, but a traveller ; and if you don t come here 
 instantly, I ll shoot the dog, and you, too !" 
 
 This bloodthirsty threat had its effect ; he spoke to the dog, and 
 snapped a match on the wall. The dog left me with a low growl of 
 disappointed defiance, and his owner examined me, holding the light 
 above his head. 
 
 " Confound you, for a stupid ass !" I savagely exclaimed, "can t you 
 see that beast has bitten me ? 
 
 "An sarve you right ! What wur you doing in this ? " 
 
 I rapidly explained the circumstance, and the custodian of stray 
 carpet bags forthwith altered his tone " The dog \vas raised on the 
 premises, and know d as well as a Christian everybody that com d near 
 the place, and hop d I wasn t hurt," which I was, for the animal s tooth 
 or teeth had just caught the bridge of my nose and my cheek-bone, 
 almost laying bare the latter. Some cold water and sticking plaister 
 soon allayed and patched up the wounds, and then I spoke, "I must 
 have that dog !" 
 
 " Well, I guess, you oughter had enough of him !" 
 
 " Will you sell him ?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 "Then I shall kill him !" 
 
 N 
 
98 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 " Will ye ?" 
 
 My answer was the sudden production of a small revolver, unloaded. 
 
 " Hut, tut hold on ! Ye want to buy, cause the beast s a bitten ye ?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 "What 11 ye give?" 
 
 " What do you ask ?" 
 
 " Say, twenty dollars." 
 
 " There s the money." 
 
 " Well, now, the missus 11 be precious savage but twenty dollars, 
 twenty dollars ! that s fact ! Whar do ye live ?" 
 
 " Come along, and I ll show you." 
 
 A glass of whisky to the master, and a plate of meat to the animal 
 half-an-hour after, made all friendlily disposed to each other, and from 
 then I became owner of the splendid animal that has since been 
 my constant companion, Lucille s great pet, and the original of the 
 accompanying sketch. 
 
 It may, perhaps, not be out of order at this portion of my little 
 history, to devote a page (contrary to my intentions at starting on my 
 literary effort) to a table of distances and first and second-class fares 
 from Quebec, to such towns as I consider, from experience and hearsay, 
 eligible for Entertainment purposes, In most of them I have been 
 myself, but owing to no agent in advance, I was obliged to pass through, 
 and thereby lost many opportunities. 
 

 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 
 
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100 
 
 A THEATKICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 I also here am tempted to append a route for a yachting tour, origi 
 nally compiled for my own private and especial usage and benefit, but 
 now, upon " second thoughts," unselfishly given to all whom it may 
 concern, with a thorough conviction that should any enterprising 
 Yachtsman take the trip, he will return much gratified with the same, 
 and grateful to me. 
 
 QUEBEC TO MONTREAL. 
 
 By the River St. Lawrence, distance 
 189 miles; good navigation for 
 vessels drawing 20 feet of water. 
 
 MONTREAL TO KINGSTON. 
 
 By the River St. Lawrence, distance 
 200 miles. Passing round the rapids 
 by Canals, four in number, the whole 
 looks about 35 miles, and navigable 
 for vessels drawing 8 feet, the locks 
 being 210 feet long, and 50 ft. wide. 
 Sixty miles below Kingston com 
 mences the Lake of the Thousand 
 Islands, where good fishing will be 
 found. 
 
 KINGSTON TO 
 PORT DALHOUSIE. 
 
 By Lake Ontario, distance 225 miles. 
 
 PORT DALHOUSIE TO 
 PORT COLBORNE. 
 
 By the Willand Canal, distance 28 
 miles, navigable for vessels drawing 
 9 feet water, the locks being 150 
 long and 26 feet wide. 
 
 Niagara Falls 12 miles distant from 
 Port Dalhousie. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 
 
 10 
 
 PORT COLBOENE TO DETROIT By Lake Eni, distance 300 miles 
 
 thence, or by Detroit River, dis 
 tance 25 miles. 
 
 DETEOIT TO POET SAENIA. | By Lake St. Glair, distance 20 miles, 
 
 and River St. Glair, distance 40 
 miles. 
 
 POET SAENIA TO 
 SAULT ST. MARIE. 
 
 ByLakeStawn, crossed byGeorgianBay 
 a distance of 500 miles. Georgian 
 Bay abounds in fish, and is of the 
 same character of scenery as the 
 Lake of the Thousand Islands, but 
 much greater in extent about 150 
 miles long and 100 miles wide 
 containing upwards of 20,000 
 Islands and Inlets. 
 
 SAULT ST. MAIN TO 
 FORT WILLIAM 
 
 AND 
 
 SUPERIOR CITY. 
 
 By the north shore of Lake Superior, 
 where will be found the best fishing 
 in America. Distance to Fort Wil 
 liam 250 miles ; thence to Superior 
 City, 150 miles. 
 
 Tug Steamers will be found at all places when the wind may render it desirable 
 to employ them, in Canals, Rivers, &c. 
 
 Bayfield s Charts (which are remarkably correct) of the whole of the foregoing 
 route, excepting the Canals, may be had at Potter s, in the Poultry, London. 
 
 The St. Lawrence, between Longueil and Montreal, had been frozen 
 over many weeks, and there had been symptoms for some days past of 
 the ice breaking up. On the morning of our starting from Montreal, I 
 
102 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 was making a hurried breakfast, when Stocks (who, I had hoped, was 
 midway across the river with the baggage) came to me, and said he 
 " couldn t get no such thing as a sleigh to cross, cos it had been 
 nounced dangerous." I asked him how the mails were going (as it 
 was the mail-train we meant travelling by), and, he replied, he " didn t 
 know, but sposed somehow." " Well," I answered, " we will go somehow, 
 too !" And somehow we did. 
 
 I packed off Stocks, bag and baggage, in the mail omnibus, thinking 
 he might feel himself glorified in perishing (if there was to be any perish 
 ing) with her Majesty s mail bags, and forthwith sought a conveyance 
 for ourselves, which I had some difficulty in obtaining, they all refusing 
 to cross the river, excepting some miles round by Point St. Charles. At 
 last, I engaged a big-whiskered Scotchman and his " cuckoo," for the 
 consideration of five dollars, to get us to Longueil, the best way he 
 could, in time for the train. 
 
 After about ten minutes of the ordinary amount of bumping, an 
 0#raordinary quantity of the same induced me to put my head out of 
 the window, when I discovered that Scotchy, after all, w r as taking the 
 short-cut across the river, "and the unevenness of the ice corroborated 
 what had been told me of the probability of a speedy " break up." I 
 did not tell Lucille or her mother of this immediately, but the jumping 
 and jolting became every moment so much greater, and our progress, in. 
 proportion, so much slower, that the fact was soon patent to all, and 
 the alarm consequently unmistakeable. The track was marked by 
 branches of trees, stuck up on either side at intervals of about one 
 hundred yards, and the oozing of the water through the holes in which 
 they were placed, vas ominous. We were now about midway, and the 
 fissures yes, fissures, reader becoming wider and more frequent, I began 
 to think I ought to comply with Lucille s terrified entreaty to " turn 
 back," and communicated our desire to Scotchy. What was our surprise 
 on hearing him reply, " Na, ye canna turn ba^k we maun mak the 
 beest of a bad beesness; hauld oop ! This last to the horse, who at 
 the moment dropped his hind legs into a crack, and didn t seem able to 
 get them out again. 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 103 
 
 To add to our miseries and difficulties, a blinding storm of sleet now 
 came on, and the bellying and cracking of the ice under us was really 
 alarming. Keeping our seats was impossible. Had the sleigh been an 
 open one, I would not have so much cared, as in the event of its going 
 through, the danger of which was now imminent, I might have thrown 
 the feminities out on the broken ice, and held them safe until help 
 arrived. As it was, we should have gone down like squirrels in a cage. 
 
 Of course, everybody knows we were not drowned, so I will make rny 
 story short by saying that we eventually got on to sound ice in shallow 
 water, and thence on shore to receive quite an ovation from a large 
 crowd who had assembled and watched our dangerous voyage, almost 
 from its commencement. We were the last that crossed, and in an 
 hour the mail road was a confused mass of rough waves and rugged 
 blocks of floating ice. " All s well that ends well," and so ends this 
 Chapter. 
 
104 A THEATEICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 FROM Montreal to New York was the most interesting road we had yet 
 travelled. Lovely country, fine rivers, large towns, and wonderful 
 bridges. We stayed a night at the Troy House, in Troy, a very clean 
 and handsome-looking town. I made all necessary inquiries with 
 regard to giving our Entertainment there in the course of a few weeks, 
 and found the newspapers well inclined to help me. To one gentleman 
 connected with the press of Troy, I candidly communicated my doubts 
 of success, after the way in which the New York papers had treated me. 
 His answer was, " New York is not America ; and it has of late usurped 
 such self-supremacy, that in four cases out of five what they write up, 
 the press of other cities write down, out of sheer opposition." And he 
 gave me several instances of tremendous hits in New York, failing to 
 make any impression in Boston, Philadelphia, and other places. 
 
 I was much struck by the superiority of the " turn-outs" in this 
 town to those I had yet seen anywhere else. Of course, all the 
 carriages were sleighs, as even here the snow was several inches thick ; 
 but the horses and harness were unexceptionable, and the fur robes and 
 trimmings very handsome. We left Troy with the determination of 
 returning at a future day. 
 
 Again in Nevv York, after an absence of nearly seven months. Any 
 thing more disgusting than the state of the streets I never saw. London, 
 after a week of November rain and fog, was never in such a pickle. 
 The brilliant Broadway was (I do not exaggerate) knee-deep in mud and 
 slush ; the omnibuses, in order to bring about this agreeable state of 
 things, and to prevent the hack sleighs from taking from them any 
 portion of their human traffic, carry with them bags of salt, which, 
 as fast as snow falls, and shows a disposition of hardening, they literally 
 shower over it the effect of which, anybody chemically informed, will 
 know ; and the uninformed, from the foregoing lines, will guess. 
 
THEOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 105 
 
 This time we put up at a house kept by an Englishman, in Princes- 
 street, and were tolerably comfortable, having a private sitting-room, and 
 our meals served therein, in proper English fashion. Considering my 
 wager won, and myself as no longer under the ban of incognito, I now 
 made a point of seeing and introducing myself to everybody who had 
 shown the least disposition to befriend the " Amateur," and in a short 
 time made arrangements with the proprietors of the Hope Chapel 
 Hall, on Broadway, for a series of entertainments, and though my old 
 enemies still showed their venom in " faint praise," I soon found that t 
 could hold my own in New York, and the " Programme" (the American 
 Era) thus spoke of us . 
 
 " CAPTAIN MORTON PRICE AND Miss CATHARINE LUCETTE. This 
 gentleman, whose real name is Horton Rhys, and turns out to be really 
 an Amateur, of which, on his former visit to New York, we reasonably 
 had, and expressed, our doubts, has now located himself at the Hope 
 Chapel Hall, and, with his fair and accomplished ally, is giving a series 
 of the entertainments with which he seems to have made a most 
 successful tour through the Canadas. We dropped in last evening, and 
 found the room fully and fashionably attended, and, contrary to our 
 intentions, we found attraction sufficient to detain us to the close of 
 the performance, which in all respects, is worthy a visit from all who 
 delight in good English music, and more than ordinary good acting." 
 
 This was a turn round, and no mistake. The other papers, with a 
 few exceptions, followed suit ; and I would here tender my thanks to 
 WiUces Spirit of the Times for the uniform kindness and support I 
 received from that journal (the American BeWs Life). There is another 
 sporting paper, yclept The Clipper, which, to the Spirit, is, as the 
 Telegraph to the Times, and to whose uniform malignity, t shall ever 
 " owe one." About this time, the coming great fight for the champion 
 ship, between Heenan and Tom Sayers, engrossed the thoughts and 
 conversation of all classes in New York, and I soon got into hot water 
 by the too (for my own health) free expression of my opinions thereon, 
 and other international matters. 
 
 The Americans were still smarting under the defeat inflicted on them 
 by the English Cricketers, and seemed to look forward to this fight to 
 
106 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 recover their lost laurels. Every paper, however previously peaceable 
 in deportment, had now sporting correspondence and pugilistic para 
 graphs, and considerably " riled" at the bounce and balderdash contained 
 therein, I forthwith rushed into print, and fierce were the onslaughts 
 made on my " opinions" by sundry fire-eating pen-wielders. I will give 
 you, dear reader, a specimen to prove to you that to the best of my 
 single-handed power, I " stuck up" for the honour of " the old country." 
 
 LETTER FROM CANADA UPON THE ENGLISH CRICKETERS. 
 
 Apology for Julius Ccesar. 
 
 " Montreal, Jan. 10. 
 
 " MY DEAR SIR, I have this day read in your SPIRIT of last week an 
 account of the dinner given to the English Cricketers at a hostelrie, 
 in that hot-bed of cricketers, the county of Surrey, England. You 
 have thought fit to bestow a cut from your editorial lash upon Julius 
 Caesar for thus speaking in the opening of his speech on that occasion : 
 * They (the cricketers) certainly were received in Canada in a very kind 
 and hospitable manner, indeed, but he (J. C.) could not possibly say so 
 much for the United States. Will you allow me, an Englishman, to 
 say, or rather write, a few words upon the quoted sentence ? I will 
 preface them with my own opinion of the same. It was a thought 
 less and unjustifiable statement, and I will tell you why : Julius Caesar in 
 thus giving his opinion to the cricketing world of England, meant to 
 say that which he didn t ; he meant to complain ( of certain pecuniary 
 arrangements by which the pecuniary benefit which would have accrued 
 to him and his confreres, on the occasion of the third day s play, became 
 seriously lessened. This, however, was no fault on the American side ; 
 it lay rather on that of the English. 
 
 " The gentleman who had the whole and sole management of the money 
 matters connected with the Eleven, should have thoroughly explained to 
 them the terms on which they took their benefit, before the benefit took 
 place. All would then have been well. They might have accepted 
 or refused the said benefit. I am not prepared to say he did not do so. 
 If he did, there must have been a great mistake on his part, or on that of 
 the American agent in the matter. This, however, smacks of mis 
 management, but cannot hint at unkindness or lack of hospitality. 
 Those who heard J. Caasar s speech (saving the Eleven themselves) 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 107 
 
 would not take it in that light. They (the guests and entertainers) 
 would think they were not received in New York, Philadelphia, and 
 Rochester as men should meet men speaking the same language as 
 themselves, as cricketers should meet cricketers, as Americans should 
 meet Englishmen. Therefore, do I raise my voice, or rather pen, 
 unaccustomed as I am, &c., &c., to refute the construction that most 
 likely will be put upon the sentence in question ; and how can I do it 
 better than by giving verbatim the opinion of two of the Eleven (their 
 names are at your service if you want them, one was present at the 
 banquet, the other was not), as to their reception and treatment by the 
 New Yorkers ? 
 
 " No. 1. Upon my soul, sir, we thought they never would have let 
 us come away. Morning, noon, and night it was Where is P., where 
 is L., where is J. ? We were quite bored with their hospitality. 
 
 "No. 2. Stand treat ? I don t think any one of us ever paid a copper, 
 out of our own hotel, for either a drink or a smoke. 
 
 " I shall be in England, wind and waves permitting, next Spring, 
 and believe me it will be no fault of mine if one erroneous idea remains 
 in the heart of any Englishman with regard to the treatment and recep 
 tion of the English Eleven in America. 
 
 " Yours, dear sir, &c., &c., M." 
 
 LETTER FROM " MORTON PRICE." 
 
 Reply to "Veritas" Pleenan and Sayers Umpire and the Derby 
 Devoy and Mitchell Phelan, Roberts, and Berger, in the International 
 Matches. 
 
 " MY DEAR SIR, I fear that my reply to Veritas, in your edition of 
 the llth inst., must have in some way riled that gentleman, as I 
 find him using my name entire and by instalments, in his various pen- 
 and-ink skirmishes, to such an extent, that I may shortly he expected 
 to be looked upon as a species of household word by those who read 
 your correspondence. I don t object, but must here say it is not 
 graceful or courteous to call names ! Since last writing to you I have 
 re-perused Veritas rejoinder, and take so much umbrage at one 
 
108 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 sentence therein that I must quote it. It occurs half-way down his 
 first column, and runs thus : In the first place, his remark (meaning 
 mine) implied he (meaning me) wishes it now to imply something 
 else that superiority in height was a positive disadvantage to a man, 
 be he a good sparrer or bad vide his article* Veritas here unjustly 
 undertakes to show a shuffle on my part, without the ghost of a pretence 
 for doing so. And, secondly, asserts that I have given to your readers 
 an opinion that would at once stamp me Goose, and unworthy of a 
 place among the correspondents of the SPIRIT. If Veritas can by 
 any possibility establisb, from my words, or the tenour of my argument, 
 that be he a good sparrer or bad" was by me implied, I knock under 
 and hide my diminished head at once and for ever. I based my 
 opinion as to Heenan s height being a disadvantage to him upon what 
 has been given to me as fact, by an experienced eye-witness of the 
 contest between him and Morrissey viz., that when Morrissey suc 
 ceeded in breaking through Heenan s guard, and getting home a heavy 
 blow, although Heenan was quite fresh, he couldn t keep his hands 
 down, his arms flew round wildly, and he was licked in five minutes, by 
 as many of Morrissey s rib-benders. Those of your readers who saw 
 the fight well know how near this is to truth ; and thus for the present 
 I will dismiss Veritas misconception and consequent mis-statement. 
 I do like your correspondent America; he does speak as if he would 
 stick to the Boy to his last farthing, and if the Boy should chance 
 to be beaten, would stick to him still. That s the sort of backer I like. 
 First knock down, first fall, first blood, and fight, all to be won nobly, 
 and patriotically. Hurrah ! A second Waterloo, in which two of the 
 greatest generals hi the world ever produced are to contend. That 
 simile I do not like, for, if I can credit my eyes and ears, this will be a 
 case of General against no General a great captain at the head of 
 a smaller force of bone and muscle, size, weight, and sinew, against a newly- 
 appointed and inexperienced commander of a vastly greater strength of 
 the same commodity. Waterloo truly resembled this in all, but that 
 the Generals were equally well experienced, and the superiority in 
 quantity on one side was negatived by the quality on the other. This 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 109 
 
 may be a second Waterloo yet. And though I do not wish to enter into 
 the lists in anyway with America (I mean your correspondent), ex 
 cepting that of good fellowship, I must say, I think if he threw a little 
 less nationality into his opinions, and left Paul Jones and his victories 
 in British waters out of the argument, his letters would be accepted 
 by both your American and English readers with much more pleasure. 
 I do not think it can be the wish of either to create feelings of animosity 
 in the coming contest. I say, Studiously avoid that ! Remember, 
 Heenan is now in the land of strangers, one of whom he is going to 
 fight not because he is an Englishman, but because he is the champion 
 boxer of the world. Tom will think no more of Heenan s being an 
 American than if he were a Frenchman or a Nigger ; he knows he has to 
 fight, and lick if he can, a unan a good deal bigger than himself, and 
 that s all. I don t think Tom s historical and geographical recollections 
 extend to a knowledge of the locale of English and American suc 
 cesses and defeats, and if you mentioned Paul Jones, he would probably 
 ask What was his weight ? But there are others of more education 
 than Tom, who will read with displeasure such novel training instruction 
 as that proffered by America to Heenan viz., Let him (that s the 
 Boy ) on some clear morning, climb to the top of some chalk cliff, &c., 
 and call to mind the achievements of Paul Jones, &c., &c., &c. The 
 climbing I don t object to, but I feel assured that Heenan will have 
 other things to think of than Paul Jones when the event comes off, 
 and I hope that no national war-cries will be heard or needed, to stimulate 
 either combatants to greater deeds of daring. I am, in a small way, 
 doing my very best to bring about some far more interesting matches 
 (at least I consider them so) than this of Sayers and Heenan. Veritas 
 laughs at my calling the coming contest between these boxers a fight 
 with fists, between a big man and a little one ; but he cannot alter the 
 fact any more than he can, that a large proportion of. at all events Eng 
 lish, admirers of manly sports won t care a button which gets the worst 
 of the pummelling. Should Umpire win the Derby, Epsom Downs 
 will witness such a scene of enthusiasm as it never yet has done. I ll 
 take odds both the horse and the jockey are carried back to the weighing 
 
110 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 stand. There will be Stripes-and-Stars neck-ties, Umpire coats, 
 and Ten Broeck hats. Such a triumph would, indeed, be a national 
 one. The acknowledged best-looking three-year-old colt ever produced 
 in America, against the pick of all England, carrying fair and even 
 weights, equally well ridden, and equally well trained. The fight will 
 not stand comparison with such a struggle. Well, supposing the battle 
 over, and the Derby won, as fortune chooseth to decide those events, 
 turn we now to the chances of the champion, Chambers, coming over 
 here to try the great gun, Ward, in his own waters. I hope Mr. Wilkes, 
 during his stay in England, will see the great sculler, though that is 
 improbable, as Newcastle is a long way from London, and Chambers is 
 a stay-at-home. However, express trains in England travel fifty miles 
 an hour, and I don t expect Mr. W. will confine his English experiences 
 to London. If he does see and speak to him, I think there will be no 
 doubt as to the match coming off. I have written to Mr. Mitchell, 
 the Racket Champion, to make a point of seeing Mr. W., who, by-the- 
 bye, may have a chance of witnessing the match between Erwood and 
 him, and will be able thereby to draw a line between Mr. M. and Devoy. 
 I fear Roberts will not be induced to come ! he is similarly circum 
 stanced to Mr. Phelan, and don t care to leave his business to be 
 managed by others. I opine he would be licked if he did, at the big 
 ball game. However, if Mons. Berger will quit bis titled and aristo 
 cratic friends and admirers for a short time, and condescend to accept 
 5,000 or 10,000 dollars, when he wins them, from the plebeian patrons 
 of Michael Phelan, Mr. Roberts won t be needed to afford a rich treat 
 to the lovers of billiards in New York. And now I must really wind 
 up, hoping I have not trespassed too much on your valuable space, and 
 believe me, " Yours truly, MORTON PRICE." 
 
 THE INTERNATIONAL MATCHES. 
 " Nothing extenuate, nor aught set down in malice." 
 
 TO THE EDITOR OF WILKES " SPIRIT OF THE TIMES." 
 
 " DEAR SIR, If you go on admitting everybody s letters into your 
 paper respecting the anticipated trial of strength, skill, and pluck, 
 yclept the Fight for the Championship, you ll shortly have to enlarge 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. Ill 
 
 the said paper considerably, and by \vayof contributing my mite towards 
 so desirable an object, I beg to have the pleasure of sending for your 
 consideration (and that of your readers, should you insert the same) my 
 opinion of and concerning international matches likely and unlikely to 
 come off. First (and viewed in a belligerent light) most important 
 on the list stands the fight for the Championship, now finally arranged 
 to be called on 1 on the 16th of April next. Lots of people imagine 
 this will be a great fight. / don t. Lots of people are going across 
 to see John Heenan whip, or be whipped (Anglice, lick or be licked ) 
 by Tom Sayers. I can t. Lots of people are going to lose or win their 
 (or other people s) money on the result. I shan t. My reasons for so 
 determining may not be uninteresting, as they are unprejudiced, based on 
 experience, and published for the benefit of those seeking information, 
 but ignorant where to apply. Presuming your correspondents, F. F. 
 and J. A. D. to be Americans, I must forthwith attack them for 
 frightening the English P.R. patrons in New York in a most unwarrant 
 able manner m your last number of the SPIRIT. The first states, 
 speaking of Nat Langham, he compares unfavourably with Heenan in 
 strength, science, or skill as a boxer. The second, he is far inferior 
 to Heenan in science, and the latter could easily drive him out of a ten- 
 acre lot; Price, Coeburn, and others, &c. f &c., can out-spar him. This 
 of the acknowledged best English boxer of the day ! Were this the fact 
 it would be indeed all U P. with the little champion ; but I say em 
 phatically to those who would lay out their money on facts, not fancies, 
 Don t believe it ! This may seem a rudeness to your correspondents ; it 
 is not meant as such, but I say (looking to the SPIRIT and the corre 
 spondence therein, as New Yorkers and Old Yorkers, and middle-aged 
 Yorkers do for guidance and information in the matter), such assertions 
 as those of F. F. and J. A. D. are calculated to mislead and bias, 
 rather than direct and caution. 
 
 I have seen Heenan box on two occasions. I have seen Sayers fight 
 all his battles but the last; I backed bim for all of them, but that with 
 Langham. The latter s science at that period was superior to Sayers ; at 
 that time he was not (as your correspondents correctly state he now is) of 
 
112 A THEATRICAL TEIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 sickly constitution/ or spare. Tom Sayers only conqueror was as 
 near as possible 100 Ib. of bone and muscle, like steel and whip-cord. 
 Yet every man who witnessed the fight, and knows a tittle about 
 fighting, feels assured that had Master Tom been five or six pounds 
 lighter than he was i.e., in better condition he would have won. 
 Therefore, I say, Don t because your correspondents say they have seen 
 Nat Langham (they have not seen him, they have seen his shadow), and 
 that he is slim, sickly, &c., &c. think, therefore, that Heenan must 
 whip Sayers. 
 
 How Heenan stood up to Grantley Berkeley, 1 know not ; he might 
 have disguised his real fighting attitude for the reason G. B. has 
 assumed, but I have seen him spar when he was not aware of an Eng 
 lishman being present, and I echo the baronet s opinion, that if that is his 
 attitude and those his tactics, that he will be licked as sure as his name 
 is Heenan. " Yours truly, MORTON PRICE." 
 
 I must also give you a specimen of my most-difficult-to-be-worsted 
 opponent s style, and I think you will admit we were well matched : 
 
 LETTER FROM " VERITAs" REPLY TO " MORTON PRICE." 
 
 " No Man s Land, Feb. 22nd. 
 " IF there s a hole in a your coats, 
 
 I rede ye tent it ; 
 A chiel s amang you takin notes, 
 
 An faith he ll prent it." 
 
 " DEAR SPIRIT, You may perhaps call to mind an interrogatory that 
 appeared frequently at the head of articles in the daily papers, a few 
 years since, when the Rev. Ebenezer Williams, of Indian Missionary 
 memory, was Heir apparent to the throne of France viz., " Have 
 we a Bourbon among us ?" If we may be allowed, for a moment, to 
 believe in the transmigration of souls, we may safely congratulate our 
 selves in having at the present time in our midst one of the famous 
 sporting calebrities of the olden times perhaps the founder of the 
 4 Olympic Games, who, having shifted his mortal coil from one 
 tenement to the other, has come down through many generations, and 
 after appearing for a time as Pierce Egan, or Mr. Jackson, aut 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 113 
 
 quicunque alius easy of translation has now deigned to appear to us 
 once more under the guise and cognomen of Morton Price. But, sir, 
 whoever or whatever he may be, it must be evident to all unprejudiced 
 persons that he is a real phenomenon in athletic literature a perfect 
 mass of experience in all sporting matters a conglomeration, if one 
 may thus express it, of all the Nos. of Bell s Life, from the moment of 
 its inception down to the present time ; and in our ring matters a 
 volume of a new style of tactics, bound in sheep, to which a certain 
 Price is affixed, but which is nevertheless free (Igitur gaudeamus) 
 to all those " seeking information, but in ignorance where to apply." 
 (N. B. For the above Latin phrase, please overhaul the Psalms of 
 David, and when found turn down a leaf !) 
 
 " Why, sir, his name should be embalmed in all our memories and 
 handed down from father and son, to future generations of disenthralled 
 Yankees, as the self- abnegating philanthropist, the very personification 
 of disinterested benevolence, who, in spite of wind and weather/ dared 
 to cross the stormy waters of the Atlantic who knows but in mid 
 winter, without mittens for the noble purpose of dispensing his ex- 
 haustless stores of Priceless intelligence to the American people, based 
 on the solid foundation of a long-tried experience. (Hear !) And, more 
 over, the author and getter-up of a series of grand tournaments, on 
 American ground and water, of all the sports congenial to the disposition 
 of two great peoples ! 
 
 " Magnificent ideah ! and well worthy of the genius of its overwhelm 
 ingly renowned progenitor ! -who, en passant, may be induced to enter 
 for a prize in one or other of these tournaments, and having himself 
 trained for a few four-mile rowing matches, he will have an excellent 
 opportunity to show up his artistic skill with an oar, or a pair of sculls, 
 as M. Berger with his cue to gaping crowds of awe-struck greenhorns 
 (Anglice, muffs) ; and we shall thus see at rowing as from the other 
 1 at billiards what we never yet beheld ! And as he will then have 
 ( or think he has ) two to one the best of it, with the good fortune 
 which is invariably the follower of skill and pluck, while teaching his 
 Transatlantic cousins to skilfully toss an oar, he can with equal grace 
 
 p 
 
114 A THEATBICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 bestow a goodly pile of almighty dollars within his capacious breeches 
 pockets. For, dear sir, although such a series of tournaments would 
 undoubtedly be a splendid school for us degenerate sons of Britain s 
 Fsle, in enabling us to perfect ourselves in all the manly sports under 
 the immediate supervision of * Morton Price yet alas ! we must rest 
 satisfied for the present with the glory of having contended with, and 
 been well beaten by, men who cannot possibly be excelled by anyone any 
 where out of England in any of the aforesaid sports. J aifini. 
 Nix cum arous. 
 
 " There, dear SPIEIT, if you and your readers are not now astonished 
 at the power of my elbow, I beg to assure you all that I myself am 
 perfectly exhausted by the immense draft the above effusion has made 
 at sight upon the previously diminished resources of my brain. (I shall 
 have to take a sea voyage to recuperate.) 
 
 " It was managed, however, with strong coffee, and has the merit of 
 being, with a few exceptions, quite original. But as I had somehow, 
 very unfortunately, mislaid my French and Spanish made easy, and 
 Morton s last, containing literally nothing worth stealing, I was 
 obliged, from dire necessity, as from strong habit, to substitute a passage 
 from JBurns, and one line from an old song we used to sing at sea some 
 times, in spite of wind and waves. 
 
 " I luckily tumbled upon an antique copy of Burns, to my great joy, in 
 the corner of the garret, while frantically endeavouring to repair my 
 severe foreign loss as above stated. One word for my Latin phrases, 
 which I am happy to know this person has sufficient intelligence to 
 understand. They were imported from Oxford direct, per mea propria, 
 persona, expressly for WILKES SPIRIT OF THE TIMES, and were intended 
 to be so simple and easy of translation, that he who runs or rows 
 * might read, and the wayfaring man, though a fool (I should 
 judge he was a sensible person) might not err therein. 
 
 " The only excuse I can offer for appropriating more than half a 
 column of the SPIRIT (one and a quarter columns appears to be 
 his particular aversion), is the rush of ideas, over which the hand has no 
 control. And that reminds me that to obviate so terrible an evil this 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 115 
 
 time, I must fetch up all standing/ take a severe turn/ clap on 
 stoppers/ * nipper well/ and hold on hard. I will only say that I 
 am rejoiced that this person finds my counters harmless/ which 
 is entirely owing to my being a trifle over six feet (and I will add, per 
 haps, to my future benefit, well proportioned), and that I have not 
 as yet learned to hit low/ But ; as he considers height a positive 
 disadvantage/ he of course has no cause to fear. Yet I pray him to 
 hold his hand a bit, as I find his smashers in the ribs to be, as he 
 describes Sayers hits, simply terrific ! ! 
 
 I wish to say under the rose/ SPIRIT ! that Morton s morti 
 fying insinuation, that I am not an adept at French, is simply scandal 
 ous a libel upon my character as I not only did eat, drink, and sleep 
 in Paris, once upon a time (and a time it was) for more than a week ! 
 Think of that ! and even passed through Brussels, where as Sir G. F. 
 B. ( the Baronet ) says of gentlemen from the United States of America 
 they pitch it in considerable smart but more than all that (as if 
 anyone would require more), I most undoubtedly resided had a carte 
 de residence, which was obliged to be had at that time there at Tahiti, 
 subsequent to its military occupation by Le Grand Nation, where, you 
 must know, the language of their conquerors is jabbered in all its 
 native purity by barefooted and breech-clouted Kanakas. And in all 
 these localities, as in many others in various parts of the globe which 
 I can swear is round, having encircled it twice (would you bejieve it ?) 
 in the course of ten years ramblings I have verified the words of 
 another, who in speaking of the Spanish (it is applicable to all languages) 
 says: The Castiliaii tongue may easily be acquired witnout a master/ 
 but as far as my individual experience goes, no study is comparable 
 to its acquisition with a tutoress, who, with the charms of bright eyes, 
 rosy lips, and clear natal enunciation, renders the task not only facile, 
 but pleasurable. Aurevoir! " VERITAS." 
 
 In the earlier part of my story I promised my readers a description of 
 a marble store, they (the readers) possibly may think had I employed an 
 artist to sketch one, and printed the same, as a frontispiece to my book, 
 I might have saved myself a world of trouble. Not so, reader; no 
 
116 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 sketch or drawing would give any more idea of a marble store, than they 
 would of a white satin dress. It requires to stand out, in grand relief 
 against a thunder cloud or a clear blue sky to be appreciated in its 
 exterior, to be taken piece-meal to be understood in "its interior. 
 
 I think I have said before that outside show is the grand object with 
 everybody in everything, in America. Hence the object of the marble 
 store. The old-established firm of McMoney and Goldpin are doing, as 
 they have done for many years, a fine business. " They can put down 
 a million of dollars, without melting an almighty ounce they can ! Yes, 
 sir-r." They are content with an old-fashioned (?) built hard-upon-ten- 
 years-ago, brick-built building, with unpretending shop front and anti 
 quated paned windows. 
 
 The new one of Giltspoon and Gohahed (they have made their money 
 somehow, somewhere) suddenly appear upon the scene, spring up like 
 mushrooms in a night, and simultaneously with their advertisements, 
 which run in this wise : 
 
 Messrs. GILTSPUR & GOHAHED, from Washington (or the 
 Diggings, or elsewhere. M. P.) beg to announce that they will open 
 their NEW STORE, in BROADWAY, corner of SO 1st Street, with the 
 finest Stock of JEWELLERY, ARTICLES of VIRTU, DIAMONDS, 
 EMERALDS, PRECIOUS STONES, and ONIONS (or any other 
 nonsense. M. P.) in the World, on Monday, the 32nd of January (or 
 
 any other uncertain period. M. P.) 
 
 Come and see ! Come and see ! ! Come and see ! ! ! Come and see ! ! ! ! 
 Come and see ! Come and see ! ! Come and see ! ! ! Come and see ! ! ! ! 
 Come and see ! Come and see ! ! Come and see ! ! ! Come and see ! ! ! ! 
 
 Up springs (mushroom-like also) a gigantic edifice, marble externally, 
 plate-glass windows, iron sashes, and nobby doors. 
 
 " Guess that whips old McMoney and Goldpin s concern, anyhow !" 
 says the crowd, and gaping, the crowd rushes to see the tempting display 
 of the aforesaid jewellery, &c., in Messrs. G. and G s. glittering windows. 
 And " This won t suit !" says Messrs. McMoney and Goldpin ; and 
 thereupon, after a very short consultation with Messrs. Stone and 
 Planner, the eminent builders, contractors, and so forth, and a cursory 
 glance at their bank account, in six months after, up rises a similar 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 117 
 
 mirble giant, a story higher than that of their opponents ; and, not 
 content with having their window panes of plate-glass, the sashes and 
 pillars must be silver-plated. This done, away go the crowd from 
 " Messrs. Giltspoon and Gohahed" to the new fabric of" McMoney and 
 Goldpin ;" whereupon, a conversation ensues between the partners of 
 the first-named firm, and they (if not quite bankrupt) " right away" 
 proceed to either stick up an additional story (if their gingerbread pile 
 will, or they think it will, stand it), or put in a new and elaborate shop- 
 front, or insure the concern, and set fire to it, or some other startling 
 method of making the firm (shocking misnomer) of " Messrs. Giltspoon 
 and Goahed" a more familiar household word than that of their opponents. 
 And so on. 
 
 My readers will perceive, from the time I have allotted for the 
 yetting up of these wonderful erections viz., six months, that real 
 solidity is not an item in the work ; before I left New York, 
 I had an opportunity of narrowly watching the start, progress, and 
 finish of a marble store. Messrs. Stump and White having made 
 a million or so of dollars in the lower part of the city, in (or 
 about) a very unpretending little shop (not so large as my frien 
 Bright s, at Leamington), determined on investing or sinking (as the 
 case may ultimately prove) 40,000 ! in a grand new marble store, in an 
 improving site, on Broadway. I saw it commenced in January, and all 
 but finished by the middle of June. It is five stories high, and composed 
 entirely of brick and marble, iron, and glass not a particle of wood 
 being used. Under the road are cellars, in which is a huge steam- 
 engine, buried alive, as it were ; by the aid of which everything is 
 manufactured (is that a bull ?) on the premises, even to the implements 
 used by the artificer in his work. Every floor is devoted to a separate 
 description of labour, and presided over by a special inspector and 
 director. The Americans are very proud of their marble stores, and I 
 think justly so. 
 
118 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOE A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 WHEN the fight came off, and the result ascertained, no Englishman s 
 bones were safe in any of the restaurants or bars for many days, and 7 
 -had more than one friendly warning to keep no appointment, and attend 
 to no message, unless well armed, or in company. My pen-and-ink 
 assailants were, of course, more bitter than before, and if Mr. D., of 
 JBelVs Life, knew the risks I ran, and the loss I sustained, in publicly 
 upholding his conduct against American opinion, en masse, he would 
 have long since made me a present of all the back numbers of Bell s 
 Life, handsomely bound, at least. 
 
 I found continuing the Hope Chapel Entertainments out of the ques 
 tion, and, as at this time 1 received an intimation from England that 
 my Theatrical Account had been accepted and approved, I turned my 
 thoughts homeward. You will see, reader, by this, and the thinning of 
 the unread leaves of my little volume, that our task of writing and 
 reading draweth to a close. 
 
 We kept our promise of paying Troy a visit, and were very successful, 
 the Sayers and Heenan fever not raging there quite so hotly as in New 
 York. Albany is a charming little town, about five miles from Troy, 
 and here, also, we did " good business ;" here, also, we saw. something so 
 well worth seeing, that I must ask you a question 
 
 Have you heard or read of " The Shakers ?" No! Well, I will 
 tell you all about them. They are a very queer lot, indeed. One 
 Sunday morning a very fine one having on the previous night re 
 ceived all necessary instruction and information, off we went in a" neat 
 turn-out" (the carriages for hire are better in Albany than I ever saw else 
 where, either in England or in America), and after an agreeable drive of 
 seven miles over a hilly road, but through a highly-cultivated country, 
 with charming views, we found ourselves at the " Shaker Village," which 
 in itself, as an oddity, is worth seeing, being totally unlike any village 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 119 
 
 in the world at least, in my ken and more resembling a large farm 
 yard, without beasts, birds, or implements of agriculture, of any descrip 
 tion, barring a pump. On our arrival (we were rather late), we dis 
 covered ourselves in the midst of at least a hundred vehicles of all sorts 
 and sizes. The company had arrived, we were told, and were then in 
 the place of worship, witnessing the ceremonies, or, as Lucille somewhat 
 professionally termed it, " the performance!" A sort of harmonious 
 howling reaching our ears at this moment, warned us that the curtain 
 was up (I am afraid / said that /), and in we went. 
 
 Now, reader, picture for yourself a large square white-washed room, 
 one end of it occupied by a brilliant assemblage of ladies and gentle 
 men, dressed to death, seated on benches sloping from the floor almost 
 to the ceiling. This was the audience. The performers consisted of 
 some two hundred males and females I believe, men and women 
 but as unlike men and women as possible. The men had their hair cut 
 short in front, and hanging down their backs ; white cotton neckcloths, 
 with long ends ; coats, with tails down to their heels, and waistcoats of 
 brown serge, with large flap pockets ; trousers of the same material 
 loose in the seat, and tight in the leg, reaching half way down the calf 
 white cotton stockings, and enormous shoes. I never saw such shoes ! 
 
 The women hadn t a vestige of hair to be seen, and wore skull caps 
 or a species of (what I believe is termed) " penny caul ;" white silk, or 
 cambric handkerchiefs, pinned down fore and aft ; and skirts of the 
 
 same material as the men s breeches, fitting tight over their well, 
 
 their hips. The nearest approach to crinoline, I computed at a short 
 yard in circumference. White stockings, and shoes, closely allied in 
 shape and size to those of the males. Each female had a white pocket- 
 handkerchief hung over the left arm, waiter-wise, of snowy whiteness, 
 but as stiff as buckram. 
 
 As we entered, the hymn, psalm, or symphony, was concluded, and 
 being ushered to seats (ladies on one side, gentlemen on the other), in 
 the dress circle, by a stout party in the same, " get up" as the others, 
 there we sat for upwards of ten minutes, in total silence, save now-and- 
 then a slight giggle among the audience, or a loud nasal performance 
 by some one afflicted with a cold in the joint assembly. They were all 
 
120 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 employed every mother s son and daughter of them were beating the 
 DEVIL S TATTOO with their fingers on their knees! 
 
 " They re doing the daddy, mammy, sir," whispered Stocks, who was 
 sitting by my side. Wouldn t it be beautiful if our drummers in 
 barricks was as quiet over it ?" 
 
 I gave him a kick, as at this moment some one began a speech, not 
 a prayer; it appeared that prayers were over. It was nearly word for 
 word as follows : 
 
 " Brothers and sisters, I wish to say a few words before we disperse. 
 Praise the Lord ! I ve been six years, next fall, admitted into the bosom 
 of the Shakers, and I can say I have never wished to depart from their 
 ways, and I have fattened in the Lord." (" Which is the chap as is 
 speaking ?" said Stocks. " Well, he is fat, surety !") " And I have never 
 done no harm to any of my brothers and sisters. I may have trans 
 gressed in my ways afore I com d among my brother Shakers, but 
 nobody asked any questions, and nobody wanted any money." (" How 
 jolly !" quoth Stocks). " What we get, we share." (Hear, hear ! from 
 Stocks, loud enough to elicit an alarming scowl from the Usher). " And 
 we live happy and comfortable one with the other ; and those who don t 
 like, needn t jine us. We worship the Lord in our own way, and we 
 keep ourselves to ourselves. If any of my brothers or sisters wish to 
 address the meeting, let em do so. Praise the Lord ! Amen." 
 
 Several brothers and sisters "followed" in the same style one 
 awfully ugly female stating that ever since she had " jined the Shakers, 
 no one had never interfered with her" which drew from Stocks an indig 
 nant, " I d like to know who would." A little music followed, after 
 which all the men rose and deliberately took off their coats, and hung 
 them on pegs in the wall Stocks excitedly insisting that they were 
 going to " wrastle." They, however, proceeded to perform the queerest 
 lot of mano2uvres I ever witnessed, singing all the time a sort of sailors 
 Yo-heave-ho- and-up-she-comes chorus. 
 
 They advanced in line, in polka time, then right-about-turned, formed 
 into fours (I thought I must have roared Lucille did, for I heard 
 her) stood at ease and attention, and finally formed square, and were 
 addressed by somebody in the centre; they then opened out into 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 121 
 
 quarter distance column, and sat down, when I ll be hanged if the 
 women didn t, like a reserve battalion, go through the same religious 
 exercises, were addressed by a female inspecting officer, and then the 
 two armies joined forces, and danced in couples all round the room, to 
 an air very like " Dixies Land," but not quite it. This ended the 
 Entertainment, when, after the audience had been partly complimented 
 and partly condemned, for their orderly or disorderly conduct (I told 
 Lucille afterwards, she ought to be ashamed of herself), by the before- 
 mentioned Usher, the whole assemblage broke up. 
 
 Being Sunday, we could not see the arrangements of the Shakers 
 habitations, which, I was told, they are very proud of showing 
 to visitors. The women live in separate houses to the men, and I 
 believe there is no marrying so I don t know how they manage to 
 keep up the Shaker stock. Perhaps, as Stocks suggested, " They steal the 
 young uns !" They had large farms, and so much for the Shakers. 
 
 From Albany, we went to Philadelphia and Baltimore ; but as my 
 reader must now consider my " Theatrical Trip" ended, we must be per 
 mitted to expect to be let off with a very short notice of these places en 
 passant, I may mention that they are first-rate theatrical towns. It 
 was at Philadelphia that Jenny Lind caused such a sensation, when she 
 appeared ten years ago at the Chestnut-street Theatre, that tickets were 
 sold by auction, and the first knock down" was 625 dollars ! something 
 like 125 ! 
 
 An ancestor (I believe) of a friend of mine in the Artillery, founded 
 the state of Pennsylvania, of which Philadelphia ought to be the capital, 
 but isn t a much smaller town, called Harrisburg, some one hundred 
 miles off, enjoying that distinction. Father Penn s ability in nomen 
 clature must have been very limited, as he christened all the streets as 
 if they had been trees, so we find a Vine-street, Mulberry ditto, Chest 
 nut ditto, Walnut ditto, Pine, Cedar, and Spruce dittos ; and when 
 used up in that line, he fell back upon Arithmetic. Thus : First- 
 street, Second ditto, Third ditto, up to any number. 
 
 Every street in Philadelphia has a railway through it. Fact ! a rail 
 way ! that is, the omnibuses, though drawn by horses, run on rails, 
 which makes riding or driving, to those who are not in said " busses," 
 not only unpleasant, but dangerous, and utterly spoils the appearance, 
 to English eyes., of what would otherwise be wide and handsome 
 thoroughfares. 
 
 Q 
 
122 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOIl A WAGER, 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 BALTIMORE. 
 
 BALTIMOEE ! what shall I say of Baltimore ? merely that our stay 
 was so short, that we had only time to think we shouldn t like to end 
 our days there. At Baltimore, however, I, for the first time, had an 
 opportunity of seeing slaves, slave-owners, and their plantations. 
 
 What is my opinion of Slavery ? 
 
 Always maintaining the opinion that no one should express an opinion 
 on any matter, with which he is not thoroughly acquainted, my opinion 
 on Slavedom cannot be worth having. The Yankee query-nuisance 
 of "What do you think of our country?" is here changed for 
 " What do you think of our slaves ?" and it is curious to note 
 the anxiety depicted in the countenance of the querist. My answer 
 was invariably to both, "I have not seen enough of it," or "them." 
 This reply, one evening (the first on our arrival), drew from a 
 tall, intelligent-looking person, whom I, by chance, had entered into 
 conversation with at the bar of the httel, the following polite and pithy 
 invitation : " You are a Britisher an Englishman, I reckon least 
 ways, you don t talk like a Frenchman. No\\,just you go and take 
 
 your name off old H s book, and fetch away that darned handsome 
 
 gal I saw a hanging on to you, and come right slick away to my dig 
 gings I guess we ll just fix your pinions about slaves pretty con 
 siderable, darned unalterable yes, sir-r." 
 
 This (the first invitation to any man s house 1 had received in America], 
 I at once accepted for myself, Lucille agreeing to stay, and do the 
 dutiful, with her mother. A delightful drive of ten miles brought us to 
 the plantation, and for the pleasant hours I spent thereat, I here tender 
 my thanks to my kind host, who, should he ever read this book, will, I 
 trust, pardon my having chronicled his little peculiarity of speech, and 
 only see in my narrative a grateful reminiscence. 
 
 Much as I had heard of planter hospitality, all fell far short of what 
 
 I experienced at the hands of Mr. W and his pretty wife. Their 
 
 V.oase a model of neatness, and superbly furnished reminded me of 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 123 
 
 an East Indian bungalow, having only one story, and all the principal 
 sitting and bed-rooms being on the ground floor. The servants all 
 slaves were domiciled, with the exception of the nurse and W s. own 
 body servant, in out-houses some fifty yards from the dwelling, and 
 when wanted, were summoned by ringing a hand-bell. Now, I m not going 
 to abuse my kind host s hospitality, by giving to My world of readers an 
 account of how and when we breakfasted, or off what we dined, or 
 whether the plate was plate, or only plated ; whether the customs ot 
 the house were entirely " up to" an Englishman s ideas of comfort, or 
 certain peculiarities, altogether pleasing to me. Suffice it to say, that 
 I never lodged and boarded with a happier family, or one who strove 
 more to minister to the amusement of their lodger and boarder. 
 
 Of course, Mr. W and I had arguments on and concerning 
 
 Slavery, as I suppose there s not an Englishman out that wouldn t have 
 his say upon the subject ; but I invariably, even in my own opinion, got 
 the worst of the bout, and am bound to confess that there is no class of 
 servants in my ken, who do so little for their wages, as slaves. They are 
 the fattest, laziest, and " cheekiest" of mortals. Not one of them, un 
 less compelled which compulsion the simple fact of being a slave alone 
 accomplishes would ever stir a finger in labour. Nature has been so 
 bountiful to the land they live in, that its fertility offers in itself a 
 premium to indolence. 
 
 The Northerners may say as they please of, but, in fact, they do, in 
 the matter of Slavery, all in their power to keep it up, and tbat, too, in 
 its worst shape, for they it is who trap the wretched creatures upon 
 foreign shores, who fit out those floating hells, and, when escaping 
 pepper from our cruisers, run their filthy half-carrion cargo into some 
 slave port thereby, if not compelling, at all events encouraging, the 
 slave-owner to increase and multiply his slave stock, by these disgusting 
 means. My friend W. concluding one of our arguments, said, * There 
 is scarcely a slave-owner in the country but would rather be without 
 imported slaves. I wouldn t give one of our own Virginny-raised 
 Niggers for a dozen sich vermin !" 
 
 It is this importation of blacks tbat keeps up the race of slaves with 
 out it, Slavery would abolish itself. There are thousands of slaves now 
 
124 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 in whose veins there is hardly a stain of black-blood, and the ivhiter a 
 slave becomes, the more he knows and feels Knowledge and feeling are 
 direct antidotes to Slavery. Ergo, the larger the increase of slaves, 
 without the aid of the hateful slave trade, the sooner will Slavery 
 be swept to the winds, and the slave advocate to the ocean. 
 
 There s a speech for you ! 
 
 Well, we must leave Baltimore and the blackies now, and hurry 
 homewards. I picked up Lucille (who, all the time I was away, laboured 
 under a conviction that I should be kidnapped as a white Nigger, and 
 sent to "pick cotton in de field"), and without halt or hindrance, 
 returned to New York. 
 
 I have hurried my narrative here, as it scarcely can be looked upon 
 as a portion of my legitimate " Trip," and it is moreover my intention, 
 at some no very distant date, to re- visit the Southern States, having 
 seen sufficient promise of a most interesting and amusing tour : and 
 should such intention be carried out, I may possibly again rush into 
 print, and give my readers a longer Chapter -on my " opinions" of 
 Baltimore. 
 
THKOUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 125 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 ALTHOUGH Parodi and Piccolomini had taken wing, there were a vast 
 number of Italian, German, and American feminine stars in the New 
 Yoik operatic firmament about this time, comprising such names as 
 Cortesi, Colson, Gazzaniga, Strakosch (and her sister, Adelina Patti) 
 Fabri (who came with an immense flourish of trumpets from the 
 Brazils, or somewhere), &c. The first-named is a fine actress, and, 
 (though like all of them, worn to death in voice), would, I think, take a 
 high position anywhere, having a consummate command of good and 
 bad notes ; Patti is very youug I am told, not seventeen ; but the 
 labour of " getting-up" in a score of operas, and singing them nightly for 
 months at a spell, has worn herself and her voice to threads. The 
 adulation of the Americans, who claim her for their own, though I 
 believe she was born and bred in Europe, was immense, and I suppose 
 even Piccolomini scarcely outdid her in newspaper puff and Platonic 
 presents. Speaking of presents, I cannot here help mentioning a little 
 incident. 
 
 We were one spare night listening to Patti, in Martha, and drawing 
 oderous" comparisons, of course, when my attention was drawn by 
 Lucille to a party of young men who were intently gazing at our box, 
 and on finding that I noticed them, made unmistakeable signs of 
 wishing me to come to them. It was such a common occurrence at this 
 time for MS to be stared at, that at first I set down the present instance 
 to nothing more than a little more than ordinary rudeness, and took no 
 further notice until the fall of the curtain upon the second act. One of the 
 gentlemen alluded to then stood up, and elevated a bouquet of consider 
 able dimensions towards Lucille, which, of course, drew the all now unoc 
 cupied eyes of the audience upon us, and, considerably annoyed, I 
 beckoned the gardener to come to the box, which he speedily did, ac 
 companied by some five or six others. He introduced himself and his 
 friends as Southerners, and we soon recognised in them an enthusiastic 
 
126 A THEATKICAL TRIP FOE A WAGER, 
 
 party that had almost nightly attended our Entertainments at the Hope 
 Chapel. He, in a very gentlemanly manner, proffered the before-men 
 tioned bouquet to Lucille, complimented us, and, of course, especially 
 her, on the great pleasure they had received, et cetera, et cetera ; and 
 after receiving a half-promise from us to visit New Orleans before we 
 left America, bowed himself and his party off. 
 
 When we had sufficiently recovered from the shock of this unex 
 pected compliment, we examined the gift, and found it composed of rare 
 exotic flowers, arranged with taste in a holder of gold and mosaic- work, 
 studded with pearls and turquoises, and., what amused us more than all 
 (how about your curiosity, reader ?) carefully enveloped in silver paper, 
 a small d oyley of white satin, on which was printed the following lines : 
 
 LUCILLE, where art thou ? why hush d is thy song? 
 
 Thou " Last Rose of Summer," what are you 
 About, that without you, you keep us so long ? 
 
 Why do not the managers " star" you ? 
 
 Are we right in our fears, will for ever our ears 
 
 With Parodi, " Pic," Patti, Cortesi 
 Be bored ? when there s one, who can give them a " stun" 
 
 " Take their trade, 1 * from, and then beat them easy. 
 
 Let little " Pic" squeal, and Parodi loud peal 
 
 Forth their notes, which some say are divine ; 
 We care not for " Fatty," and as for poor Patti 
 
 From her you ve quite taken the shine. 
 
 Then come to the South, and your own pretty mouth 
 
 Shall ne er ope, but with rapture we ll hear you, 
 We pray you come forth from this cold shallow North, 
 
 And to sunny Orleans we will bear you. 
 
 Accept this sweet token, we bring you heart-broken, 
 
 The gift itself s scarce worth your thank ees, 
 And when it s grown older, then stick to the holder, 
 
 As we will io you, though we re Yankees ! 
 
 Were it not for the intrinsic value of the gift, I should have felt 
 bound to have looked upon this precious morceau as a would-be-witty 
 satire ; as it was, however, we agreed that the compliment, though 
 A Yankee term, signifying Going a-head. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 127 
 
 coming in u such questionable shape," was a compliment, and, as such, 
 my inserting the same in this history, proveth we, to this day, consider 
 it. The flowers are long since faded and gone ; the holder stands before 
 me as I write, under a glass shade, and the verses are immortalised ! 
 
 We gave three nights Entertainments at Brooklyn a sort of 
 over the-water suburbs of New York and these were our farewell 
 efforts to give amusement to, and extract dollars from, our American 
 patrons. I was tired, in fact, of my " Trip" the amount of unac 
 customed anxiety and perpetual " something to do" attendant thereon, 
 had sickened me for the time of acting, and I pined for steaks and 
 bottled stout ; besides, my clothes were worn out, and Lucille said, 
 " She was all to pieces !" 
 
 Dress, I may remark, is in New York a most expensive luxury. 
 An ordinary suit of broadcloth can scarcely be got under 70 dols., 
 fourteen pounds English ; and a mild Lady s bonnet is cheap at 20 
 dols. Talking of bonnets, reminds me of a little instance I must give 
 you of lady-politeness that occurred one day. Heaven knows whether 
 it should be taken as a general sample or not I don t. Lucille had 
 rather a nobby little hat an importation fiom home. Hats were then 
 unknown on Broadway as a portion of a lady s apparel, and great was 
 the consternation this same Lilliputian Golgotha created. The men 
 seemed rather to like it, but the women said, " They wouldn t wear 
 such a fixing atop of their head they wouldn t !" 
 
 Well, as before said, " one day" Lucille and myself were doing a 
 promenade (a thing we seldom did do) during the fashionable hour, 
 down the fashionable side of Broadway. Suddenly I heard a small 
 scream, and felt L s. arm withdrawn from mine, and looking round, 1 
 saw her standing by herself, looking wildly about, bare-headed, and her 
 long hair streaming in profusion down her back ; a second look, showed 
 me a lady gorgeously dressed, endeavouring to shake off the afore-men 
 tioned " pork pie," which by some means had been hitched on to, and 
 been whisked away, by the lady s parasol. Down it fell on to the saliva- 
 stained pavement, and poking it towards Lucille with the point of her 
 parasol, she said, " I guess it s yours, marm, and it has spiled my fringe 
 it has !" And, without further word, walked away. 
 
128 A THEATRICAL TETP FOB A WAGEK, 
 
 Before I oould recover my astonished wits, a Gentleman picked 
 up the inoffensive, yet maltreated millinery, and carefully wiping 
 it with his handkerchief, restored it to Lucille, saying, " I blush for 
 my countrywoman s manners." 
 
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THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 129 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 It was now the middle of June, and my arrangements were completed 
 for returning to England, all but the vessel. What ship should we go 
 by ? By one of the Cunards one of the same sort as that which had 
 brought us out so calmly and comfortably, or some other ? The Cunarder, 
 of course. Good ! Fate, however, ordained it otherwise. I had given a 
 promise that I would lend a passage to a fellow-mortal who had gone to 
 America to make his fortune, but hadn t, and who now was rampant to 
 get back again; our party was hence a large and expensive one including 
 the dog, six in all. A careful analysis of the different rates and fares, 
 as charged by the different companies, showed me a tempting difference 
 in favour of the Liverpool, New York, and Philadelphia Line, which 
 consists entirely of Screw steamers, and though I had a strong dislike 
 to screws of all kinds, I determined on " doing the cheap" for once, and 
 one fine morning found me in the office of the Liverpool, New York, 
 and Philadelphia Screw Steamship Company s office, taking tickets for 
 self and party, for our homeward voyage from New York to Liverpool. 
 
 I should have little more now to say but for an incident occurring at 
 this very time of ticket-taking, which, though not of a very startling 
 nature, were it narrated in a novel, pre-written in the writer s brain, I 
 think my readers will allow to be singular enough to merit a page or 
 or so, in this most veracious history. 
 
 I was standing on the steps of the steam-packet agent s office, on 
 Broadway, in the act of carefully stowing away my tickets in a pocket- 
 book, when a lady and gentlemen ascended them, and, pre-occupied 
 withhome thoughts engendered by the occupation, I stood, unconsciously, 
 in their way. A polite * If you please," from the gentleman, made me 
 look up, and so remarkable was the lady s start, as I bowed my apology, 
 that she tripped over her dress, and I nearly stumbled down the steps. 
 Why tripped the lady ? Wherefore stumbled I ? 
 
 Just four years ago Good gracious ! Well I am going to tell you a 
 story, and novelists are always allowed to " conduct their reader" (&c., 
 
130 A THEATEICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 &c.,) to antecedents to explain the plot and pith of their story I only 
 claim the same allowance : Just four years ago, having received a hasty 
 summons home from my fishing quarters in Norway, I took steamer 
 
 from S to London, and not being a particular good sailor, for my 
 
 own comfort, and at a slight extra expense, I engaged, by letter, a cabin 
 
 to myself. I did not reach S until the evening previously to sailing, 
 
 and was somewhat surprised, ^on my arrival at the hotel, at learning that 
 " a person from the ship had called several times to see me, and would 
 be there again shortly." He came, and proved to be the purser of the 
 steamer in which I intended sailing. He acquainted me that all the 
 principal cabins were chock-full, and that a young gentleman had come 
 on board and was in a great way because he couldn t have a private 
 cabin, and refused to go in the public berths. Would I allow him to 
 share mine, as there were two berths in it ? 
 
 This was a nuisance ; but after inquiring whether the lad couldn t be 
 exchanged for a lady, or some other equally facetious remark, T learned 
 that he was a youth of about fourteen, well-dressed, with a good port 
 manteau, and a patch over one eye ; and I gave a reluctant consent that 
 the young gentleman might occupy my apartment that night and every 
 other such, until we arrived at our destination. 
 
 I did not go on board until the following morning, and the vessel 
 sailing half-an-hour afterwards, being unencumbered with luggage, save 
 a parcel of fishing rods, basket, and knapsack, I did not go to my cabin 
 until late in the afternoon, when, failing to discover my " compagnon 
 du voyage," I thither proceeded, intending to see what he was like. I 
 found the door locked. Upon my giving a smart rap on the panel, a 
 very frightened, youthful voice, exclaimed, " Who s that? What is it ? 
 I answered, " Be kind enough to open the door, young gentleman, that 
 the part-proprietor of this establishment may enter." Whereupon, and 
 during which, there was a sound of considerable shuffling of something 
 into something, and shutting-up and locking of the same. The bolt 
 was so softly withdrawn that I was not aware for some seconds that 1 
 
 was free to enter. I at length did so, and discovered Nothing ! 
 
 He, the mysterious youth, had " turned in," and the curtains of his 
 berth were already drawn. 
 
 " Hilloa !" I said, " is anybody ill ?" 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 131 
 
 "Got a bad cold and head-ache, sir," responded a voice, totally unlike . 
 that I had first heard, 
 
 " Oh, never mind my boy," I said ; "I won t disturb you." To which 
 the invisible youth replied, " Thank you, sir." And after arranging my 
 few traps, I returned on deck, and thought no more of the matter until 
 dinner-hour arrived, when I expected to see my double-voiced friend, 
 but didn t. I inquired of the steward if any dinner had been sent to. 
 No. 4, and he replied in the negative. 
 
 Having finished my own, I again went below ; this time the door was 
 unlocked, but the curtains were as " hermetically sealed" as before. I 
 asked, " Ain t you going to take any dinner ?" and got for a reply, in 
 the same foggy voice, " Can t you let a fellow alone ? don t want 
 anything!" 
 
 After this, of course, inquiry was rude ; so, as there was a slight sea 
 on, and I am always squeamish the first few hours (squeamish, mind ! 
 not sick oh, no !) I, after taking a few turns on deck, and inquiring 
 " how her head was !" and remarking, with a T.P.C. hitch of my trousers, 
 that it " looked dirty to wind ard," tumbled below, and " turned in" 
 i.e., undressed myself, and got into my crib, which was not, as is mostly 
 the case, above or below my companions, but opposite, and in such close 
 proximity, that I might, had I been on a sufficiently friendly footing, 
 have kicked the said companion at pleasure. 
 
 Generally, I sleep pretty well at sea, but this night I didn t couldn t 
 Could not keep my eyes off the closed curtains of the opposite berth. 
 I could see that they were pinned in two places the heels of a pair of 
 patent-leather boots peeped out from beneath ; there were also a coarse- 
 looking cloak and broad-brimmed wike-awake hat on the top of a port 
 manteau, which last had evidently undergone violent usage in a fruitless 
 endeavour to be " got under" the berth. I thought I detected a slight 
 sneeze, and again a mild blowing of the nose, and the faintest moving of 
 the curtain. I at last became convinced that an eye was looking at me 
 - an eye one eye and in no ordinary way either. Not as an eye 
 ought to look bravely out through the half-opened curtain no, sir ; 
 but slily, surreptitiously, through an artificial slit, where no slit should 
 have been. Slit, do I say ? a very pin-hole ; but there was the eye ; 
 I could see the glitter of the pupil, and the winking of the lashes, and 
 
132 A THEATKICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 puff! out went the lamp. The allotted time for the burning of 
 the night-oil had expired, and we were in darkness. 
 
 " Well, you can t see now, any more than I can that s a comfort," 
 I soliloquized, and turning round, soon tumbled into an uncomfortable 
 doze so uncomfortable, that I cut it short by waking up, determined 
 on transgressing the ship s rules, and lighting my reading-lamp which, 
 after many scratchings of damp (that word^ is damp, mind !) matches, 
 I succeeded in doing, and was pleased to find that my neighbour was 
 not aroused by the noise, and had gone off into a sound sleep. I read 
 several pages of a most amusing and lively book, supposed to have 
 been written by a " Retired Physician," and after surfeiting myself with 
 an exciting description of the amputation of the lovely leg of a loving 
 (" alas ! not wisely, but too well/ ) young lady, I found my eyes again 
 irresistibly attracted to my neighbour s berth. There was a slight move 
 of the curtains, and just as I was about to inquire if my light disturbed 
 the youngster s slumber, something commenced to peep out from the 
 farther edge of the berth, which, increasing in size and distinctness, 
 resolved itself into a remarkably white foot, naked, and of exceeding 
 smallness for a boy of fourteen, unless he were, indeed, a very little un. 
 Almost simultaneously with this apparition, there appeared at the Anti 
 podes of this foot a hand ! It came out as though the owner was 
 stretching himself, and approached to within half a yard of my 
 nose, over the bridge of which I surveyed, with astonishment, a magni 
 ficent diamond and emerald ring upon the third finger. The arm, 
 which was bare to the elbow, was a clean-made limb as you would wish 
 to see, but did not look much like the right sort for pulling an oar, or 
 handling a cricket-bat. A strange feeling possessed me ; and after a 
 few moments, when the two delicate extremities were withdrawn from my 
 gaze, I crept out of my berth listened and heard the steady breathing, 
 as of one who slept soundly. Gently, yet with some difficulty, I drew 
 the sharp-pointed instruments of millinery out of the curtains, and care 
 fully shading the light from the eyes of the sleeper, I saw an exceed 
 ingly nice specimen of a pretty girl ! The before-mentioned patch had 
 fallen, or been removed from her eye, and lay on the pillow. She was 
 partly dressed in a pair of boy s blue serge trousers, and a striped 
 cotton shirt ; her jacket was off, but her waistcoat, though on, was 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 133 
 
 open, and it needed no second look to tell what lay beneath the care 
 fully buttoned shirt-front. She had a slipper on one foot, but the other had 
 released itself and played truant, as I have mentioned. Her stockings 
 Silk ? yes, sir lay by her, in reach of her hand ; her hair was a pretty head 
 
 of hair enough, and curly, but cut short, and parted like a boy s, and 
 
 that s all, I think. A description of features would be improper, for 
 many reasons. I carefully adjusted the curtains, pins and all, got 
 noiselessly again into my crib, put out the light, and, with no end of 
 queer feelings, and mid an exciting crowd of pretty Pages, Dorotheas, 
 Rosalinds, and other breeched beauties, 1 slept soundly until morning. 
 But with morning came waking, and then came the unanswerable 
 question, " How the Dickens was I to perform my ablutions with a 
 lovely female in all probability watching the performance through an 
 established slit in tbe curtain. Perhaps she wouldn t then, perhaps, 
 she would ; and so, at last I said, " Hi ! young gentleman (I had nigh 
 said young lady), are you going to get up ?" 
 I was answered with a very husky " No." 
 " Very good, then ; I shall, for we never can get up together." 
 I certainly did hear the words, " Not exactly," and, I thought, a giggle. 
 I said sharply, "What?" 
 
 "Nothing; I m going to sleep." A. sneeze, and something like a 
 turn over face to the wall. 
 
 So far, so good ; and seeing there was no help for it, up I sat, and 
 having screwed three parts of my legs into the entirety of my trousers, 
 I slid out, and, starting at every splash as I gammoned a wash, I 
 managed to get into my garments and out of the cabin, resolving I 
 would never again invite any unknown young gentleman to share a 
 night s lodging with me. 
 
 I was congratulating myself on the fineness of the weather, which 
 made our arrival at London Bridge before nightfal a certainty, when 
 a sudden stopping of the engine, and a few inquiries, convinced me that 
 I was doomed to spend another night at sea, with the choice of the 
 deck for my bed, or my boy-lady s companionship in the cabin below. 
 The day passed, without sign of the young gentleman, until late in the 
 evening, when, apparently unaware that anything had happened to 
 impede our progress, up he came (I shall still call her "he;") the 
 
134 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 " wide-awake" on his head, the lower part of his face quite concealed in 
 a voluminous muffler, and a large cloak completely enveloping his 
 figure. I saw his nervous look around as he set his foot on deck, and 
 and as he came aft, I went straight to him, and said, " How do you 
 do ? You are rather a late riser for a youngster." He immediately 
 and evidently recognised me, and became more husky than ever as he 
 answered, " I am not well. I thought we were almost in." 
 
 " In where ?" 
 
 " London, of course." 
 
 " You wont be in London to-night." (A great start and hat nearly off.) 
 
 " Heavens ! you don t say so ?" 
 
 "I do. We have injured our engines, and may be out two or three 
 nights yet." (This I said to torment him, as I knew at latest we 
 should be in early the next morning.) 
 
 Another ejaculation huskiness nearly forgotten "What shall we do ?" 
 
 "We! Who s we?" 
 
 Slight confusion, and " Me, I mean, I " 
 
 " Oh, you. You are all right ; you are quite welcome to my cabin 
 all the time we are out." 
 
 " Thank you thank you! But 1 think I will go down stairs." 
 
 I was within an ace of offering him my arm, but recovering myself 
 in time, allowed the discomfited youth to go " down stairs" without 
 further question, and seeing his piteous expression, I determined on 
 sleeping on deck, and leaving him in undisturbed possession of the 
 cabin. 
 
 The night was fine, and having secured my greatest of coats and 
 thickest of horse-rugs, and a supply of the inevitable "baccy," I se 
 lected a secluded and sheltered corner, and therein made up my 
 impromptu couch. My next move was into the purser s cabin, where, 
 in the company of that functionary, I contrived to pass a very com 
 fortable hour or so until the " putting out of the lights, 1 when a 
 yawn from my companion, and the chance intimation that a heavy 
 dew was falling, sent me off to seek my resting-place " beneath the blue 
 canopy of heaven," &c. &c. Twas occupied ! My couch was some 
 body else s, my rug was a stranger s mattress, my coat his counter 
 pane ! 
 
 Hulloa ! you sir; you are in my berth ! Get out!" 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 135 
 
 Starting up, the bright starlight revealed to me the frightened 
 physog of the young gentleman ! This was rich. 
 
 "What are you sleeping here for?" said I. 
 
 " Are these your things ?" 
 
 " Of course they are !" 
 
 " Then, I suppose you want them ?" 
 
 "Of course I do; and I want you to go below." 
 
 "It is too hot." 
 
 "Nonsense! Better be hot there, than wet here." 
 
 "Oh, no! no! not again." 
 
 The huskiness had entirely disappeared, and that " Not again," 
 was spoken in such heart-broken tones, that my mind was made up 
 on the instant. 
 
 " I say you must go below." 
 
 " Must, sir!" And his eyes shone out like rival stars to those above 
 us, and I could see the dew on his eyelashes. 
 
 " Yes, as a certain pilot is reported to have said, * This is no 
 place for thee. " 
 
 " Why not, pray ? I suppose if I choose " 
 
 " But allow me to say you musn t suppose or choose in the present 
 case." Seeing him about to make an angry rejoinder, I placed my hand 
 gently on his arm, and taking his right hand in mine said, " This is no 
 boy s hand, and no boy s ring !" He trembled, but did not speak. 
 " Nobody on board suspects what I know namely, your sex. Silence ! 
 Go below, sleep soundly, and rest assured I will not intrude upon you." 
 
 " Where will you sleep ?" 
 
 " Here, in the bed you have warmed for me," I said, cheerfully. 
 
 I felt the slightest pressure of her hand (her now the murder was 
 out), and rising slowly, she looked with expressive eyes (over which the 
 dew by this time had obtained quite an effect) right into mine, and said, 
 " You won t betray me, or make fun of me ?" 
 
 " My dear boy," (I feared some one might be within ear-shot) " trust me. 
 What your reasons are for thus transmogrifying yourself I neither know 
 nor care ; tell me if you like, or leave it alone. You needn t thank me ; 
 any gentleman would have behaved as I have, but you might, for all the 
 precaution you took, have fallen in with something else, and then you 
 would have been in an awful fix. But there Good night !" 
 
136 A THEATRICAL TKIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 She, this time, did press my hand, and warmly ; and, as she disap 
 peared in the darkness of the " lower region," I raised my voice, and said 
 " I shall be down as soon as I have finished my pipe. Good night !" 
 (This, because I saw one of the ship s mates hovering near). Little 
 sleep did I get that night, what with thinking over this adventure, if 
 such it may be called, and the dampness of my " dewy couch," my 
 eye-lids refused their functions altogether, and at daylight, when my 
 friend the purser vacated his nest, I shunted myself in " all standing," 
 and there remained oblivious to the call of Time, as sounded by the 
 thousand and one clocks of London, until long after the vessel s sides 
 had made discordant music against the piles and fenders of the Irongate 
 Wharf, London Bridge. On turning out, I met the stewardess, who, 
 after a good look, asked me, " If I was the gentleman as slept on the 
 deck ?" I answered, " I thought I was," and she thereupon handed 
 me a carefully-folded note, wherein, on opening, I read : 
 
 "DEAR SIR, 
 
 " I cannot sufficiently thank you for your kindness and 
 consideration, and though curiosity does not seem to be a component 
 part of your constitution (I felt a slight twinge as I read that), I feel 
 inclined to give you an outline of the cause that made me your cabin 
 companion ; it is not likely we shall ever meet again, yet I would rather 
 you should not think altogether unfavourably of me. Call at the 
 Charing Cross Post Office to-morrow, for a letter addressed to you 
 there." 
 
 Me, there. "Egad ! she has the advantage of me there, anyway," I 
 mentally exclaimed. However, sure enough " to-morrow" I did find a 
 a letter addressed to me at the Charing Cross Post Office, and over a pint 
 of sherry and a sandwich, at the British Hotel, Cockspur street, I read 
 it. Of course, I am not going to tell you, dear reader, what I read, 
 further than saying, it was a romantic (of course) story of a love-sick 
 young lady s escapade ; she having, in a moment of rage, at some real 
 or imaginary infidelity on the part of her lover (who had been travel 
 ling with herself, her brother, and her parents, through Norway) dis 
 missed the faithless swain ; and he, having sworn to return home and 
 " list for a soger," or some other tomfoolery, she, repenting of her 
 hastiness, boned a suit of her small brother s clothes, and followed ; and 
 that s all. I never saw her again * * * * 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 137 
 
 until, as before recorded, " the lady tripped over her dress, and I nearly 
 stumbled down the steps." Why, this very lady was the very young lady 
 as was the very young gentleman that lodged and boarded with me on 
 the occasion I have just narrated. 
 
 Recovering herself, the pair passed on, and entered the office, but in 
 a very few minutes returned, and this time the lady s head and veil were 
 so much down, that I could not catch the expression of her countenance, 
 but I did that of the following five words, most distinctly : " Here in 
 half-an-hour ;" and half-an-hour, therefore, did see me there, and half a 
 minute after my arrival, there I saw my mysterious acquaintance, who 
 put out her hand as soon as I joined her, warmly shook mine, and 
 immediately came to business, thus : 
 
 " You are surprised to see me, I guess ?" 
 
 " Well, I guess I am. But how long have you taken to guessing ?" 
 
 " Oh, I am a regular Yankee now. Did you see that gentleman ? 
 That s my husband. He s a Yankee, but a very good g fellow ! Would 
 you know him again, if you were to see him ?" 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 " Well, mind ! Don t you ever mention a word about our bit of fun, if 
 you should come to know him ; because, although I have told him, and 
 he knows all about it, I guess he don t care to hear anything more of 
 it. Besides, I told him I was nearly sure you were drowned in the 
 " Pomona ;" and I am very glad you were not. But you were nearly 
 wern t you ? And what are you doing here ?" 
 
 " Here ? where ? On these steps, or in New York ?" 
 
 " New York, of course ! W T hy Oh my ! I forgot. You ain t Cap 
 tain What-do-ye-call-it ? You are Captain Morton Price! Changed 
 your name, of course ; somebody wrote out, and told me all about it ! 
 Where are you going to ?" 
 
 " To England." 
 
 " Not in the City of Washington ! " 
 
 " Yea, verily." 
 
 " Then you will meet my husband. Well, I never ! I think I had 
 better tell you all about it." 
 
 " With all my heart, if you won t be long about it. But I must be 
 un gallant enough to say that I have but a few moments to spare." 
 
138 A THEATBICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER, 
 
 My old young acquaintance then, with marvellous rapidity, told me 
 
 a great deal more than I may tell you, my reader. Suffice it to say, 
 that she did not marry her " bowld sojer boy," after all the disagreeables 
 she endured in the pursuit of him ; and her brother, whose blue serge 
 suit once so well fitted her, having gone on some mercantile business 
 to South America, she accompanied him, and married a Yankee, which 
 same Yankee narrowly escaped coming to England in the same ship 
 as his handsome wife s quondam queer acquaintance ; but I had actually 
 secured the last vacant berths. I made his acquaintance, nevertheless, 
 by chance, the very evening before we sailed, and a better informed, or 
 more gentlemanly American, I have not yet met, though little he 
 " guessed" who the gentleman was who played a "considerable tall 
 game at billiards for a Britisher" on that occasion. 
 
THROUGH THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA. 139 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 DEAR READER, this is the last Chapter of my first Book, and ere now your 
 fiat hath gone forth whether it should be my last Book or not. I started 
 (and I told you so) careless of criticism, and with the sole purpose of 
 amusing myself. I, now, begin to have a feeling of regret that I have 
 not more studied the amusement of others, than my own pastime. Why ? 
 Well, everyone has a right to seek for information, so I will answer 
 Because, as I glance over these pages, I feel convinced that I could have 
 made so much more (" The saints forbid !" you say Well I forgive you), 
 so much more, of all I heard, and saw, in the land I am about to quit, 
 than I have done, and regret that those whom I do wish to amuse and 
 please, may, when they come to " FINIS" (if they ever do), smilelessly 
 chuck the book upon the table, or whatever is nearest them, and say, 
 " I thought he would have done better." 
 
 ******* 
 I had not many friends in New York I cared about saying " Good 
 bye" to. There were some, however, and until the time came for 
 speaking the word (the absence of which from our vocabulary would 
 have played the deuce with ballad- writers arid sentimental " walking 
 gentlemen") Farewell, I did not imagine the amount of regret I should 
 feel yes, real, unfeigned regret. There were those Yankees, who had 
 discovered almost against their wishes that I was " not so tarnation 
 proud, after all !" Those " Knickerbockers," who loved to tell, when 
 they found I cared to listen to, their tales of " How their Dutch 
 forefathers came over in the year ONE, afore any of them darned 
 Britishers got shovin their noses where they didn t have no manner of 
 ought," and "egg nogg"* ed me into a semi-belief that I agreed with them. 
 " exiled sons of Erin," for ever hunting up their " last quarter" to stand 
 drinks for the crowd, as far as it would go (Eh ! Thomas F ?) ; and, 
 lastly, those Englishmen, few, indeed, who loving the land of their 
 birth, welcomed and warned the new-comer. To many of these, I felt 
 
 A drink must be drank (not drunk) to be understood. M.P. 
 
140 A THEATRICAL TRIP FOR A WAGER. 
 
 an indescribable not loving more than liking (I know the French 
 word, but don t know how to spell it) sort of clinging, sad-to-part- 
 with-feeling, that no one at least, I don t know anyone that can put 
 on to paper ! I can imagine the feelings of one who has been a long 
 time in prison the buoyancy of his brain, the elasticity of his step, the 
 joyousness of his voice, his fresh brushed and combed and clean-washed 
 toilet, on the morning of his walking out, a free man, from his con 
 finement ; and I can imagine each, pained and slackened, and dulled, 
 and uncared for, as he meets some prison-made acquaintance, whom he 
 knows to be, and respects as one, worthy as himself, yet, alas ! not 
 quite so lucky, and shakes him by the hand for the last time. 
 
 If my reader can imagine what I mean, he can imagine my feelings 
 at parting with my only friends at New York. I know it must be a 
 stretch of imagination, but please do it for my sake. From beginning 
 to end of this little story, I have told you that I could never describe 
 anything, so you can scarcely expect it under the present circumstances. 
 
 Well, to one and all, on Friday night, the twenty-ninth of June, I 
 lade a kind Farewell ! and the following morning found self and party 
 on board the Liverpool, New York, and Philadelphia screw steam-ship, 
 " City of Washington," wherein, and on, I closed my note-book, from 
 which these pages are compiled on Thursday, the twelfth of July 
 on the evening of which day we were safely deposited, and taken in and 
 
 done for, at the " George Hotel," Dale-street, Liverpool and 
 
 That s all ! 
 
 FINIS. 
 
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