YANKEE NOTIONS P. 94, "/jr//<>;;/ fiurdock was a bitter matt. " YANKEE NOTIONS. A MEDLEY. BY TIMO. TITTERWELL, ESQ. Just a bit of cold beef, a slice of bread and ale. Walk in gentlemen.— Old Flay. SECOND EDITION. ILLUSTRATIONS BY D. C. JOHNSTON, BOSTON: OTIS, BROADERS AND COMPANY 1838. Entered according to Act of Congre?s'in the year 1837, By Otis, Broaders & Co. fn the Clerk's Office of the District Court of Massachusetts. Prest of Tuttle, Dennett & Chisholm — 17 School Street. PREFACE Prefaces, gentle reader, are com- monly tiresome things : the less therefore I say in this part, the better. But, a preface there must be to my book, as the neglect of such an introductory salutation would be like not making a bow on going into company : and as Don Quixote re- marks, " there is nothing cheaper than civility." I have written this book for many rea- sons, every one of which you may be sure of, in five minutes guessing. As to the character of it, I may as well inform the reader in the very outset, that it is not designed to be popular, or consonant to the reigning taste of our reading and 947319 VI PREFACE. writing community. Most of the books now written among us, exhort people to wear long faces, save their money, cramp their souls, starve their bodies, besot their intellects, and be most dismally wise in all sorts of cool, calculating ways. Now the reader will find nothing of this sort in the following work ; therefore his best way will be to throw it aside at once, in case he expects me to follow in the track of our great American authors. 1 frankly confess that I lack both the am- bition and the ability to imitate the pro- found philosophy of "Moral Hydrosta- tics," the sentimental beauties of " Kitty Spriggins," and the moral sublimity of " My Mother's Pewter Porringer." No, gentle reader, I hold with old King Solomon, that if there be a time to weep, there is also a time to laugh ; and in my opinion this is the very time. I shall do PREFACE. VII my best to make you merry ; laugh there- fore while you may. The worst thing for a man's health is melancholy, but a good joke helps digestion and promotes longevi- ty. A good joke, like a good sherris sack, hath a twofold operation. It ascends me into the brain ; dries me there all the foolish and dull and crudy vapors which environ it ; makes it apprehensive, quick, forgetive, full of nimble, fiery, delectable shapes, which acting slily and sympa- thetically upon the corners of the mouth, produce hearty, jovial, honest laughter. The other property of your excellent joke is, the warming of the blood, which before, cold and settled, left the face long, the heart lumpish, the looks dump- ish, and the whole inward and outward man most dismally frumpish ; — all which are the badge of pusillanimity, cynical sourness, and pseudo-sapient self-conceit, Vlll PREFACE. But the joke warms it, and makes it course from the inwards to the parts extreme, mollify the heart, tickle the ribs, expand the pericardium, inspirit the lungs, light up the bosom, clear the oesophagus, lu- bricate the tongue, inspire the brain, sublimate the cerebellum, titillate the skull-bone, vivify the spinal marrow and quicken the whole nervous system : so that man being jolly, becometh perforce, generous, forgiving, liberal, communica- tive, frank, inquisitive, sympathetic, hu- mane and pious : and doeth noble deeds without end. And thus goodness, mer- cy, munificence, public spirit, patriotism, and the whole host of social virtues and christian charities come of joking. If I had a thousand sons, the first human principle I would teach them, should be to forswear doleful dumps and addict themselves to fun. preface:. ix But I grieve to say, gentle reader, people are not half so merry as they used to be. Alas ! how much occasion have we to exclaim with Panurge, " Toutes les bonnes coutumes se per dent : le monde ne fait plus que rever ! " In times when our old grandmothers wore gold beads, hoop petticoats, and high-heeled shoes, folks were vastly more jovial than at present. They did not look upon it as vulgar to go to a frolic, immoral to laugh, or suicidal to eat and drink what was comfortable ; — honest souls, they knew nothing of the march of intellect, and had no transcendental wiseacres to give them lectures against common sense, and teach them to be metaphysically misera- ble, or starve them by scientific rules, or stiffen their morality with any " three experiments of starching/' I would give many a sugar-cane To see three-corner'd hats again. X PREFACE* Now this decline of merriment has been the cause of nine tenths of all the evils we suffer at the present day. What makes people dyspeptical, hypochondria- cal, apoplectic, envious, rabid, fanatical, factious, quarrelsome, selfish, consump- tive and short-lived ? The doctors say this and that, but they know nothing about it. Politicians and metaphysicians reason and speculate, but they cannot find out. The true cause is that afore- mentioned chilliness of the blood, occa- sioned by the want of good merriment. Nothing else, depend upon it : for since good jollity has declined, nothing has gone on rightly among us. How came the heroes of seventysix to fight so valiant- ly to the tune of Yankee Doodle ? — Why, simply because Yankee Doodle is a jolly, jigging, mirth-exciting tune. Quien canta, sus males espanta. PREFACE. XI Gentle reader, take my word for it, — food is necessary to life, whatever march- of-intellect folks and quack doctors may say to the contrary. Mirth is necessary to happiness, whatever your vinegar- faced, puritanical wiseacres may preach about the moral beauty of melancholy, and the delights of being dismal. I do seriously advise you, reader, not to starve yourself, not to hang yourself, — my life for yours ; — and not to believe that starvation and suicide are the great pur- poses of human life, although these prin- ciples are so strongly inculcated by the moral reformers and march-of-mind fana- tics, who are attempting to grind the world over anew with the gimcrack ma- chinery of their crazy systems. No sys- tem is worth a cherry-stone but this — Laugh when you can : — be sober when you must, For doleful dumps soon turn a man to dust. If any man finds fault with it,"and longs, XII PREFACE. like Master Simon, for a three-legged stool to be melancholy upon ; — much good may it do him. The worst I wish him for his perversity, is that he may join a temperance society, and be soused in cold water till he is seven times cod- dled. Gentle reader, I have tried my best to be original in the following pages, by which you will probably understand that I have not stolen above half of the ma- terials. " Convey, the wise it call." Original, did I say ? — How could I hope for success, knowing that five hundred thousand persons have written stories before me, and used up everything ? Nevertheless, should any wiseacre pre- tend to discover that my book is an imitation of Robinson Crusoe, Tristram Shandy, Clarissa Harlowe, Goody Two Shoes, or the Pilgrim's Progress, I must PREFACE. Xlll needs tell him, he is under a very great mistake. Perhaps too, you expect me to apolo- gize for this publication, and to declare, by way of deprecating criticism, that I think very meanly of the work. I shall do no such thing. First, because you would not believe me. Secondly, be- cause I do not believe so myself. Truly, if I had not some good opinion of the book, I should not send it to the press, and hazard the publisher's cash and my own comfort. To speak the plain truth, which a pre- face rarely does, I shall be quite as much astonished as grieved, to learn a twelve- month hence, that the greater part of this edition has been used to singe tur- keys or burn a sooty chimney. Yet any critic is at liberty to find fault with the book ; and when he tells me that he 2 XlV PREFACE. finds the work full of blemishes, the in- vention feeble, the style poor, and the sentiments trivial, I have an answer ready by telling him that I knew all this be- fore ; and like Steele in the Tatler, let me say, " if anything in this work is found to be particularly dull, the reader is informed there is a design in it." I have endeavored to serve up a variety of dishes, to please a variety of tastes. Still if any there be, who choose to travel from Dan to Beersheba, and call it all barren, I must e'en take my leave of them as the Archbishop did of the un- lucky Gil Bias, wishing them all manner of happiness and a better taste. I am, Gentle reader, Yours truly, TIMO. TITTERWELL. Merry-Go-Nimble Court — No. 2, round the corner, ) Next door to the fat man's. $ CONTENTS Sonnet to Mirth, - - - - 17 My First and Last Speech in the General Court, 18 Biography of a Broomstick, - - S4 Ode to the South Pole, - 66 The Age of Wonders, ... 69 Our Singing School, ... 76 Benoni Burdock, - - - 94 Death and Doctor Sawdust, - - 101 Thoughts on Seeing Ghosts, - - 111 Josh Beanpole's Courtship, - - 119 Metaphysics, - - - - - 136 Rime of the Ancient Pedler, - - 146 Voyage of Discovery through the Streets of Boston, - - - - 153 The Science of Starvation, - - 165 Decline and Fall of the City of Dogtown, - 173 Proceedings of the Society for the Diffusion of Useless Knowledge, - - 18S XVI CONTENTS. Boston Lyrics, - 196 Bob Lee. A Tale, - - - - 198 Horace in Boston, Epodon Od. ii. - 220 The Dead Set, - - - - 223 Horace in Boston, Lib. ii. Od. xvi. - 236 The Two Moschetoes, - - 239 V Envoi, ----- 252 SONNET TO MIRTH, Come, gentle spirit of ethereal kind, Nymph of the radiant brow, whose rosy smile With soft enchantment sweetly could beguile To frolic fancy, Shakspe are's glorious mind. Goddess, whose witching spell has intertwin'd Dull mortal clay with fire from heavenly skies ; Thou cherub sprite, whose sweet and sunny eyes Brighten'd the dungeon where Cervantes pined. Grant me a draught from thy life-kindling bowl ; Around my pen flit hovering, and inspire With strains of sparkling joy my genial soul, And fill my brain with fun-provoking fire ; Come, and my glowing heart shall wanton free, And flow a fountain of perennial glee. MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH IN THE GENERAL COURT. BY TOBIAS TURN1PTOF, EX-REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE TOWN OF SQ.UASHBOROUGH. If I live a thousand years, I shall never forget the day I was chosen representative. Isaac Longlegs ran himself out of a year's growth to bring me the news, for I staid away from town meeting out of dignity, as the way is, being a candidate. At first I could n't be- lieve it, though when I spied Isaac coming round Slouch's • corner with his coat-tails flapping in the wind, and pulling straight a- head for our house, I felt certain that some- thing was the matter, and my heart began to bump, bump so, under my jacket, that 't was a wonder it did n't knock a button off. How- ever, I put on a bold face, and when Isaac came bolting into the house, I pretended not to be thinking about it. " Lieutenant Turniptop ! " says Isaac, " huh, huh ! You 've got the election ! " MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH, ETC. 19 44 Got what ? " says I, pretending to be sur- prised, in a coolish sort of a way. " Got the election ! " says he, " all hollow ; you've got a majority of thirteen — a clear majority — clean, smack-smooth, and no two words about it ! " " Pooh ! " says I, trying to keep cool, though at the same time I felt all over — I can't tell how, only my skin did n't seem to fit me. " Pooh ! " says I again ; but the idea of going into public life, and being called " Squire Turniptop," was almost too much for me. I seemed to feel as if I was standing on the tip-top of the north pole, with my head above the clouds, the sun on one side and the moon on the other. " Got the election ? " says I ; u ahem ! hem ! hem ! " And so I tried to put on a proper dignity for the occasion, but it was hard work. "Got a majority ?" says I once more. " As sure as a gun," says Isaac, " I heard it with my own ears. Squire Dobbs read it off to the whole meeting — c Tobias Turniptop has fif- tynine, and — is — chosen ! ' " I thought I should have choked ! six mil- lions of glorious ideas seemed to be swelling up all at a time within me. I had just been reading Doctor Growler's sermon on the end 20 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH of the world, but now I thought the world was just beginning. " You 're representative to the Gineral Court !" said Isaac, striking his forefinger into the palm of his left hand, with as much emphasis as if a new world had been created. I felt more mag- nanimous than ever. " I shan't accept," said I. (The Lord pardon me for lying.) " Shan't accept ! " screamed out Isaac, in the greatest amazement, with his great goggle eyes starting out of his head. " Shall I go back and tell them so ?-" " I mean I '11 take it into consideration," said I, trying to look as important as I could. " It 's an office of great responsibility, Isaac," said I, " but I '11 think of it, and after due deliberation — if my constituents insist upon my going, Isaac, what '11 you take to drink ? " I could not shut my eyes to sleep all that night, and did nothing but think of the General Court, and how I should look in the great hall of the statehouse, marching up to my seat, to take possession. I determined right off, to have a bran new blue coat with brass buttons ; but on second thought I remembered hearing Colonel Crabapple say that the mem- IN THE GENERAL COURT. 21 bers wore their wrappers. So I concluded that my pepper and salt coat with the blue satinet pantaloons, would do very well. I decided though, to have my drab hat new ironed, and countermanded the orders for the cowhide boots, because kip-skin would be more gen- teel. In addition to this, because men in pub- lic life should be liberal, and make a more respectable appearance than common folks, I did n ; t hesitate long in making up my mind about having a watch chain and an imitation breast-pin. " The check handkerchief," thinks I to myself, " is as good as new ; and my pigtail queue will look splendidly if the old ribbon is a little scoured ? " It can't be described how much the affairs of the nation occupied my mind all the next day and three weeks afterwards. Ensign Shute came to see me about the Byfield pigs, but I could n't talk of anything but my legis- lative responsibilities. u The critters beat all natur' for squealing," says he, " but they cut capitally to pork." — "Ay," says I, u there must be a quorum before we can do any busi- ness."— u The old grunter," says he, " will soon be fat enough to kill." — " Yes," says I, " the speaker has the casting vote." — " Your new pig-pen," says he, " will hold 'em all." 22 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH — " I shall take my seat," says I, u and be sworn in, according to the constitution." — " What 's your opinion of corn-cobs ? " says he. " The governor and council will settle that," says I. The concerns of the whole commonwealth seemed to be resting all on my shoulders as heavy as a fiftysix, and everything I heard or saw made me think of the dignity of my office. When I met a flock of geese on the schoolhouse green with Deacon Dogskin's old gander at the head, " There," says I, u goes the speaker and all the honorable members." This was talked of up and down the town, as a proof that I felt a proper responsibility ; and Simon Sly said the comparison of the geese was capital. I thought so too. Every- body wished me joy of my election, and seemed to expect great things ; which I did not fail to lay to heart. So having the eyes of the whole community upon me, I couldn't help seeing that nothing would satisfy them if I did not do something for the credit of the town. Squire Dobbs, the chairman of our selectmen, preached me a long lecture on responsibility ; " Lieutenant Tuniptop," says he, u I hope you '11 keep up the reputation of Scjuashborough," IN THE GENERAL COURT. 23 " I hope I shall, Squire," says I, holding up my head, for I felt my dignity rising. " It 's a highly responsible office, this going to the Gineral Court," says he. " I 'm altogether aware of that," says I, looking serious ; " I 'm aware of that, totally and officially." " I 'm glad you feel responsible," says he. " I 'm bold to say that I do feel the respon- sibility," says I — u and I feel more and more responsible, the more I think of it." " Squashborough," says the Squire, " has always been a credit to the common- wealth — " "Who doubts it ?" says I. " And a credit to the Gineral Court," says he. " Ahem ! " says I. " I hope you '11 let 'em know what 's what," says he. " I guess I know a thing or two," says I. " But, says the Squire, " a representative can't do his duty to his constituents without knowing the constitution. It 's my opinion you ought not to vote for the dog-tax." "That 's a matter that calls for due delib- eration," says I. So I went home and began to prepare for my legislative duties. I studi- 24 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH. ed the statute on cart-wheels, and the act in addition to an act entitled an act. People may sit in their chimney-corners and imagine it 's an easy thing to be a repre- sentative, but this is a very great mistake. For three weeks I felt like a toad under a harrow, such a weight of responsibility as I felt on thinking of my duties to my constitu- ents. But when I came to think how much I was expected to do for the credit of the town, it was overwhelming. All the repre- sentatives of our part of the county had done great things for their constituents, and I was determined not to do less. I resolved, there- fore, on the very first consideration, to stick to the following scheme. To make a speech. To make a motion for a bank in Squashbo- rough. To move that all salaries be cut down one half except the pay of the representatives. To second every motion for adjournment, — And Always to vote against the Boston mem- bers. As to the speech, though I had not exactly made up my mind about the subject of it, yet I took care to have it all written before hand. IN THE GENERAL COURT. 25 This was not so difficult as some folks may think ; for, as it was all about my constitu- ents and responsibility and Bunker Hill and heroes of seventysix and dying for liberty, it would do for any purpose, with a few words tucked in here and there. After I had got it well by heart, I went down in Cranberry Swamp, out of hearing and sight of anybody, and delivered it off, to see how it would go. It went off in capital style, till I got nearly through, when just as I was saying, " Mr Speaker, here I stand for the Constitution, " Tom Thumper's old he-goat popped out of the bushes behind, and gave me such a butt in the rear, that I was forced to make an ad- journment to the other side of the fence, to finish it. After full trial, I thought best to write it over again, and put in more respon- sibility, with something about " fought, bled and died." When the time came for me to set off for Boston, you may depend upon it I was all of a twitter. In fact, I did not exactly know whether I was on my head or my heels. All Squashborough was alive : the whole town came to see me set out. They all gave me strict charge to stand up for my constituents and vote down the Boston members. I pro- 3 26 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH mised them I would, "for I 'm sensible of my responsibility," says I. I promised, besides, to move heaven and earth to do something for Squashborough. In short, I promised everything, because a representative could not do less. At last I got to Boston ; and being in good season, I had three whole days to myself be- fore the session opened. By way of doing business, I went round to all the shops, pre- tending I wanted to buy a silk handkerchief. I managed it so as not to spend anything, though the shopkeepers were mighty sharp, trying to hook me for a bargain ; but I had my eye-teeth cut, and took care never to offer within ninepence of the first cost. Sometimes they talked saucy in a joking kind of a way, if I happened to go more than three times to the same shop ; but when I told them I be- longed to the General Court, it struck them all of a heap, and they did not dare to do any- thing but make faces to one another. I think I was down upon them there. The day I took my seat, was a day of all the days in the year ! I shall never forget it. I thought I had never lived till then. Giles Elderberry's exaltation when he was made hog-reeve, was nothing to it. As for the pro- IN THE GENERAL COURT. 27 cession — that beat cock-fighting ! I treated myself to half a sheet of gingerbread, for I felt as if my purse would hold out forever. How- ever, I can't describe everything. We were sworn in, and I took my seat, though I say it myself. I took my seat : all Boston was there to see me do it. What a weight of responsi- bility I felt ! It beats all nature to see what a difficulty there is in getting a chance to make a speech. Forty things were put to the vote and passed, without my being able to say a word, though I felt certain I could have said something upon every one of them. I had my speech all ready and was waiting for nothing but a chance to say " Mr Speaker," but something always put me out. This was losing time dreadfully — however, I made it up seconding motions, for I was determined to have my share in the business, out of regard for my constituents. It 's true I seconded the motions on both sides of the question, which always set the other members a laughing, but says I to them, " That 's my affair, how do you know what my principles are ?" At last two great ques- tions were brought forward, which seemed to be too good to lose. These were the Dogtown turnpike, and the Cart-wheel question. The 28 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH moment I heard the last one mentioned, I felt convinced it was just the thing for me. The other members thought just so, for when it came up for discussion, a Berkshire member gave me a jog with the elbow, " Turniptop," says he, " now is your time. Squashborough for- ever !" No sooner said than done ; I twitched off my hat and called out u Mr Speaker !" As sure as you live, I had caught him at last ; there was nobody else had spoken quick enough, and it was as clear as preaching, I had the floor. u Gentleman from Squashbor- ough !" says he, — I heard him say it ! " Now," thinks I to myself, " I must begin, whether or no." " Mr Speaker," says I again ; but I on- ly said it to gain time, for I could hardly be- lieve that I actually had the floor, and all the congregated wisdom of the commonwealth was listening and looking on ; the thought of it made me crawl all over. " Mr Speaker," says I, once more. Everybody looked round at me. Thinks I to myself a second time, u there 's no clawing off, this hitch. I mus^ begin ; and so here goes !" Accordingly I gave a loud hem ! and said "Mr Speaker," for the fourth time. "Mr Speaker," said I, " I rise to the question " — - though it did not strike my mind, that I had IN THE GENERAL COURT. 29 been standing up ever since I came into the house. " I rise to this question, Mr Speak- er," says I. But to see how terribly strange some things work ! No sooner had I fairly rose to the question and got a chance to make my speech, than I began to wish myself a hun- dred miles off. Five minutes before, I was as bold as a lion, but now I should have been glad to crawl into a knot-hole. cc Mr Speak- er, I rise to the question," says I : but I am bound to say that instead of rising, my voice began to fall. " Mr Speaker," said I again, " I rise to the question," but the more I rose to the question, the more the question seemed to fall away from me. And just at that min- ute, a little fat round-faced man with a bald head, that was sitting right before me, speaks to another member and says, C£ What squeak- ing fellow is that ? " It dashed me a good deal, and I don't know but I should have sat right down without another word, but Colo- nel Crabapple, the member from Turkeytown, gave me a twitch by the tail of my Wrapper, "That's right, Turniptop," says he, u give them the grand touch ! " This had a mighty encouraging effect, and so I hemmed and hawked three or four times, and at last made a begin- ning. " Mr Speaker," says I, " this is a subject 3* 30 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH of vital importance. The question is, Mr Speaker, on the amendment. I have a deci- ded opinion on that point, Mr Speaker. I am altogether opposed to the last gentleman, and I feel bound in duty to my constituents? Mr Speaker, and the responsibility of my of- fice, to express my mind on this question. Mr Speaker, our glorious forefathers fought, bled and died for glorious liberty. I am op- posed to this question, Mr Speaker, — my con- stituents have a vital interest in the subject of cart-wheels. Let us take a retrospective view, Mr Speaker, of the present condition of all the kingdoms and tribes of the earth. Look abroad, Mr Speaker, over the wide ex- pansion of nature's universe beyond the bla- zing billows of the Atlantic ! Behold Bona- parte going about like a roaring thunderbolt ! All the world is turned topsy-turvy, and there is a terrible rousing among the sons of men. — But to return to the subject, Mr Speaker. I am decidedly opposed to the amendment : it is contrary to the principles of freedom and the principles of responsibility. Tell it to your children, Mr Speaker, and to your chil- dren's children, that freedom is not to be bartered, like Esau, for a mess of potash. Liberty is the everlasting birthright of the IN THE GENERAL COURT. 31 grand community of nature's freemen. Sir, the member from Boston talks of horse- shoes, but I hope we shall stand up for our rights. If we only stand up for our rights, Mr Speaker, our rights will stand up for us, and we shall all stand uprightly, without shivering or shaking. Mr Speaker, these are awful times ; money is hard to get, whatever the gentleman from Rowley may say about pumpkins. A true patriot will die for his country. May we all imitate the glorious example and die for our country. Give up keeping cows ! Mr Speaker ! what does the honorable gentleman mean ? Is not agricul- ture to be cultivated ? He that sells his lib- erty, Mr Speaker, is worse than a cannibal, a hottentot or a hippopotamus. The member from Charlestown has brought his pigs to the wrong market. I stand up for cart-wheels, and so do my constituents. When our coun- try calls us, Mr Speaker, with the voice of a speaking-trumpet, may we never be backward in coming forward : and all honest men ought to endeavor to keep the rising generation from falling. Not to dwell upon this point, Mr Speaker, let us now enter into the subject : In the first place," — Now it happened that just at this moment 32 MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH the little fat, bald-headed, round-faced man wriggled himself round exactly in front of me, so that I could not help seeing him ; and just as I was saying u rising generation," he twist- ed the corners of his mouth into a queer sort of a pucker on one side, and rolled the whites of his little grey, winking eyes right up in my face. The members all stared straight at us, and made a kind of a snickering cluck, ducky clucks cluck, that seemed to run whis- tling over the whole house. I felt awfully bothered, — I can't tell how, — but it gave me such a jerk off the hooks that I could not re- member the next words ; so I felt in my pocket for the speech — it was not there : — then in my hat, — it was not there : — then behind me, then both sides of me, but lo and behold ! it was not to be found. The next instant I remembered that I had taken it out of my hat in a shop in Dock Square that morning, while I was comparing the four corners of my check handkerchief with a bandanna. That was enough, — I knew as quick as lightning that I was a gone goose. I pretended to go on with my speech, and kept saying, " rising generation, my constitu- ents, enter into the subject, Mr Speaker." But I made hawk's meat of it, you may de- IN THE GENERAL COURT. 33 pend. Finally nobody could stand it any longer; the little fat man with the round face put his thumb to the side of his nose, and made a sort of twinkling with his fingers ; the speaker began to giggle, and the next minute the whole house exploded like a bomb shell. I snatched up my hat under cover of the smoke, made one jump to the door, and was down stairs before you could say, " Second the motion !" BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. When I considered these things, I sighed and said within myself, " Surely man is a broomstick ! " SwifVs Meditations on a Broomstick. Doctor Johnson is known to have said he could make a capital book of the Life of a Broomstick. It is astonishing the book-making tribe have never taken this hint ; for nobody has ever written such a work, notwithstanding the fruitfulness of the subject. Writers have given us the lives of innumerable dunces, old grannies, fops, bores and do-littles. All sorts of nobodies and good-for-nothing two-legged creatures have had their memories embalmed in bad English and balderdash eloquence ; but hitherto no one except the Great Moralist seems to have been aware of the biographical capabilities of broom- sticks. As I have the honor, therefore of being born a broomstick, I shall proceed to relate the events of my life according to the most approved models of biographical compo- sition. BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 35 Broomsticks, dear reader, are important things ; your wife has doubtless given you a hint of this before. The life of a broomstick must, in consequence, abound in striking events, and furnish the speculative philos- opher with topics for profound reflection. My family is ancient, for the pedigree can be traced to Noah, who, it is pretty certain, took a supply of broomsticks in the ark, well knowing he should have plenty of sweeping to do. This being settled, let none hereafter deny the antiquity of broomsticks. See the treatise of Maimonides ; De Broomstickorum vetere prosapia, cum notis Johannis Bambou- zelbergii, edit. Lugduni Batav. 1662. But to make a slight transition from Noah's ark to the county of Worcester in which place I first became a broomstick, I must begin my life by saying that I owe existence to a celebrated manufacturer of birchen com- modities, who lacking timber of his own, stole me in the shape of a sapling from the woods of one of his neighbors. After proper metamorphosis into the regular form of a household implement, I passed somewhat surreptitiously into the hands of a Connecti- cut pedler. To speak more distinctly, I was first stolen as stuff for making, and then sto- 36 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. len ready made. My readers, I dare say, have heard loose reports of this circumstance before. The fact is indubitable, and shows the strange vicissitudes to which pedlers and broomsticks are liable in this uncertain life. The pedler carried me to Boston, where he sold me with all his load to a grocer at the South End ; here I remained on hand several weeks, till at length I was bought by the housemaid of a gentleman in — '■ Street, and taken regularly into service. I blush to say that at my first entrance into public life, I was employed in all sorts of dirty work. I should certainly have suppressed this par- ticular, were it not that it offers a surprising coincidence with the career of so many great men of the present day. Such an outset, I need hardly say, did not please me at all. I was up betimes in the morning, travelled briskly through the entry, kitchen, yard and cellar, and then poked be- hind a door to rest. Day after day the same dull routine was repeated, and I began to think I should never know an adventure, or see anything of high life. Three months elapsed before I even got a peep into the par- lor. But an unlooked-for accident brought me to play a more important part in the do- mestic concerns of the house. BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 37 The gentleman to whom I had the honor of belonging, was a young man who had met with great good luck, that is to say, he had married a fortune. His spouse was a lady of no great personal charms and considerably his superior in years. My gentleman, how- ever, having an empty purse and a fine figure, very generously overlooked all objections arising from the disparity of their ages, and married the lady for love, — so he said, and nobody contradicted him. The honey-moon passed delightfully, and all parties proclaimed it a blessed match. The lady was happy that she had such a fine, gay, pleasant, sensi- ble, good-natured husband. The husband was happy that he had so many bank shares and brick houses. This was surely a delight- ful prospect in life, but like many other de- lightful prospects, it came to nothing, to the utter astonishment of all concerned. One evening rather late, I was standing in a dark corner of the kitchen, in company with my two friends, the mop and the warm- ing-pan, when I heard the front door shut with more than common emphasis. About a quarter of an hour after this, Dolly the housemaid came running into the kitchen, and seizing hold of me, glided off on tiptoe 4 38 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. through the entry. I had not time to conjec- ture what could be the occasion of this extraor- dinary movement, before I heard voices in a pretty exalted pitch in the adjoining room. Something had evidently taken place to dis- turb the domestic tranquillity of those sweet turtle-doves, our master and mistress, and Dolly having overheard enough to excite her curiosity, had crept to the parlor door to listen, taking me with her as a sham, that she might pretend being about work, in case she should be caught eaves-dropping. So putting her ear to the door and holding her breath, she heard every syllable of what passed. My gentleman, it seems, had come home several hours later than he was expected, greatly to the disappointment of his better half, who, on the moment of his appearance, set upon him with reproaches for neglecting her. To my surprise, though probably not to hers, he replied in a manner that showed a very recent familiarity with the good crea- ture Champaigne. He was very talkative and dogmatical, and threw off all reserve. " Really, sir," said his wife, with as much sullenness in her looks as she had been able to call up in the three hours she had been brooding over her wrongs — u Really, sir, this is too bad." P. 39. "lorn askameds of you sir. ' Js//f////«/ i>/'///c /w//v /'//// not as7uvnecl < } / you BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 39 "Too bad ? my dear ! " answered the gen- tleman with a show of the greatest amaze- ment, " too bad, my dear, what do you mean, my dear ? " "Mean ? sir," that is a pretty question, a very pretty question, hah ! " returned she, pretending to make believe laugh. " A pretty question, what it means when folks complain of such treatment. But you grow worse and worse, sir ; 't is the twentieth time, sir, the for- tieth time — the hundredth time that you have neglected me so, and affronted me so, and mortified me so ! " Here she put her hand- kerchief to her eyes. " My dear soul," returned he in a very soothing tone, "you are crazy ! How can you say I neglect you ? Don't I come home every day to dinner, except now and then ? " "Crazy ! " exclaimed the offended fair one, " it would not be surprising if such doings should drive a woman crazy. Sir, you neg- glect me shamefully ; you neglect your family, sir, let me tell you that ! and people know it, sir ; I am ashamed of you, sir." " You don't say so, my dear," retorted he with pretended earnestness : " ashamed of me ? Why, I am not ashamed of you." "Ashamed of me!" interrupted his wife, 40 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. and reddenning at the insinuation, " what do you mean ? But I see you care nothing about me ; no, you care for nothing but to spend my money with a pack of low fellows." " Please to spare your reflections upon the gentlemen of my acquaintance : you are no judge of character, sweet woman." " Sir, I tell you I will bear it no longer ; replied the spouse, growing more and more passionate; "you are an unfeeling creature and an ungrateful creature. I think I am en- titled to some respect, sir — consider your obli- gations to me." "Obligations forsooth!" said the husband, beginning to feel his temper disturbed at this fling from his wife. " Heyday ! consider your obligations to me too." " What sir, obligations ! pray what obliga- tions ! Did n't I marry you, sir, when you had n't a cent in your pocket ? Did n't I make a gentleman of you, sir ? answer me that." " And did n't I marry you, ma'am," re- turned the gentleman raising his voice, and growing more and more rufTled, u did n't I marry you when you was at the last point of desperation, with all the horrors of single bles- sedness staring you in the face ! " u 'T is false, sir ! " exclaimed his lady with BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 41 great violence. c: I had a dozen offers — good offers, sir ; but 1 was fool enough to marry you, sir. I saved you from the deputy sheriff; — you may thank me, sir, that you are not at this moment boarding at free cost in Ward No. 5." " Oho ! since you are come to that," said the gentleman, in a very firm tone, and pre- tending the greatest nonchalance, u I think quite as much might be said on the other side ; for let me tell you, old lady, a young fellow that has prospects, can't be expected to throw himself away for nothing." To call a lady old, is an offence, says Cer- vantes, that none of the sex can forgive. It is the last thing indeed, which a middle-aged belle wishes to be reminded of. Our lady was very touchy upon this point, and she burst out — ct You are an ill-mannered fellow, sir ; you are a brute and a barba ian ! You mean to kill me with your vile behavior. I wish I may live a thousand years to vex you. I won't stay another moment in your company. Oh ! fie ! you wretch ?" With this explosion of rage, she sprang from her seat, and seizing the door with a most tremendous jerk, threw it open. Now 4* 42 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. all this was done so instantaneously that Dolly, who was standing in breathless immo- bility, leaning against the outside, had not above three quarters of a second's warning of her approach, so that the door flying open in an instant, the mistress and maid came slap together with a momentum not much in- ferior to that of two locomotives on a rail- way. The awkwardness of the collision need not be described, but this was not the worst part of the affair. The lady's temper was none of the sweetest, and the quarrel with her husband had made her a hundred times more irritable than common. Enraged at the thought of having her family quarrels discovered, for she had pride as well as tem- per, she flew upon the luckless listener, and snatching me from her hands before she could think of a word to say in her defence, gave her such a beating, that poor Dolly roar- ed for help and bestowed internally ten thousand maledictions on that evil spirit of curiosity that had prompted her to busy her- self with the conjugal endearments of her betters. The husband was not displeased to find the storm diverted from himself to another object, but was at length obliged to interfere, lest the punishment should exceed BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 43 the offence. He snatched me from the hands of his wife, and bade the luckless maid go about her business, and forbear eaves-drop- ping in future. But Dolly was not so easily pacified. " She would n't stay another mo- ment in the house, not she. Folks need n't think they was to treat their helps like dogs, that they must n't. She was as good flesh and blood as any body, she 'd have 'em to know. Off she 'd go that instant, bag and baggage, and she 'd have the law on them for all their gentility." With these protestations, and a thousand others just like them, accom- panied with divers tossings of the head and twistings of the nose, she left the house. The next morning beheld me travelling to Court Street, where Dolly told her piteous tale to a lawyer, and exhibited me in evidence. " Here is the very broomstick to prove it, sir ; every word of it is true, and if you won't be- lieve me, you must believe the broomstick : two witnesses will hang anybody. If there 's law T in the land, I '11 have justice done for me and the broomstick." — " No doubt on 't," re- plied the learned gentleman ; " leave the broomstick w T ith me, and I '11 make a flourish with it to some purpose ; but hark 'ee, don't say anything of this affair to anybody else. 44 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. You shall have justice done you, but leave it to me." Dolly went her way and the lawyer ran to my gentleman. "Mr ," said he, u this is an ugly affair of yours ; could n't you make it up ? The girl swears she '11 have it in the newspapers to morrow. Now, as a friend to you, I should be horrified to see such a scandal get abroad about a respectable family like yours ! I would not for a thousand dol- lars that the affair should get wind." These alarms had a great effect upon my master and mistress, who by this time had begun to en- tertain some cool reflections upon the doings of the last evening, and they inquired with great anxiety whether the matter could not be hushed up. " 'T is the very thing I have- to propose," said the attorney, " the complain- ant has offered to compound for a considera- tion." — " How much ? " asked the husband. — " Five hundred dollars," replied the man of law. u Five hundred ! " exclaimed the lov- ing couple at once, in the most dismal tone of astonishment. " Ay," returned the peacema- ker " but I beat her down to two hundred, for I told her she must be reasonable." — " The devil confound such reason ! " exclaimed the gentleman; " what, two hundred dollars for half a dozen thumps with a broomstick ! — I BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 45 won't pay it." u Why then, there 's nothing more to be said," replied the lawyer gravely, cc and the matter must go before the court." This was an ugly thought to my gentleman. ct Say a hundred and fifty," said he, u and done." My honest friend, the attorney, took a pinch of snuff, and after a few seconds hesi- tation replied — " Well, since you won't of- fer more, let me have the money and I '11 try what can be done with her." Very reluctant- ly, my fine gentleman drew a check for the money, and the man of law departed, protest- ing that it grieved him to the soul, but he would make any sacrifice to save his friend's character. A few days after, came his client to inquire about her cause. She was directed to call again the next week. At the second call, the matter was postponed for a fortnight : the next time, for three weeks ; and so on till the unlucky maid became pretty well tired of the law's delay. After a long time, he informed her that the case looked rather bad, and hint- ed that she had better try to make it up. Dolly who by this time no longer felt the smart of her bruises, and began to have fears that the case might go against her, readily listened to the suggestion and inquired how 46 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. much she might hope to get as hush-money. "I can't tell replied the conscientious gen- tleman, " but if you could get ten dollars, I should advise you as a friend to withdraw your action." " Ten dollars ! " exclaimed the battered Abigail, — "well, if you think I 'd bet- ter " — " Really I do," replied he ; " take my word as a friend, I wish to give you honest advice, — that's always my rule." The re- sult of this negociation was that the ten dol- lars were paid, and so the matter ended, veri- fying the old adage, "blessed are the makers of peace, but cursed are the breakers of it." Meantime I was forgotten, and stood behind the lawyer's door for six months. What scenes I witnessed, are nothing to my present purpose, since I was rather a spectator than an actor in them. I became initiated into the mysteries of the legal profession, upon the philosophy of which I shall make no moral re- flections from sheer inability ; for the length and breadth of a lawyer's conscience are be- yond the capacity of any common broomstick to measure. But one day a certain customer of my master's, a rather unsophisticated wight, finding his pockets emptied of a swingeing sum by the ingenuity of this gentleman, stood aghast at the catastrophe, hardly willing to BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 47 believe his senses in evidence of such diaboli- cal impudence. Finding, however, that it was " no mistake," he moved towards the door determined to say his " good-bye " in a style that would ring like a clap of thunder. "I'll tell you what I think of you, sir," said he in a solemn voice, and holding the door in one hand, ready to fire and run. " Well," said the man of law, very com- posedly. " I think you a very great rascal ! " Expecting to see the enraged attorney ex- plode like a bomb shell at this attack, he stood a moment to enjoy the effect, but what words can describe his astonishment, when his an- tagonist answered with the most gentle smile — " Pooh ! pooh, I 've been told that a hun- dred times." This was too much ; flesh and blood could not bear it. " I '11 have it out of his hide," thought the unlucky litigant ; and at that mo- ment his eye fell on me, who stood close at hand, as it were, inviting him to seize and lay on. In a trice he clutched me by the end, and made so brisk a flourishing over the sconce of his legal friend, that he roared with more eloquence than he ever did to a jury. The 48 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. neighbors running in at the noise, put an end to this administration of justice, and the assail- ant was tumbled down stairs into the street, where he was seized by a constable. For my part, I was carried by that official to his own house in order to be forthcoming when the in- dictment for the assault should be drawn. But just after this, certain affairs of the afore- said attorney coming to light, which were like- ly to render his stay in Boston inconvenient, he disappeared between two days, and the prose- cution was dropped. In the constable's house I was put to vari- ous uses ; the most worthy of mention was that of being ridden as a horse by one of his boys. Having performed this office one af- ternoon, I was left by the urchin in the street, where I expected to pass the night : but about ten o'clock in the evening I was aroused from a profound revery by a sound of footsteps breaking the lonely silence of the obscure lane where I lay. A figure approached with looks bent on the ground and cautiously peeping into every corner he passed, as if hunting for rags and old shoes. By the light of the moon he espied me as I lay in the gutter, and ea- gerly caught me up. We passed up the street and down another, in at this lane and out at BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 49 that, my master picking up various valuable commodities in bis way, till be found his pockets stuffed with old newspapers, bits of leather, marrow-bones, broken glass, rope yarn, old iron, cork stopples, and odds and ends of every article of domestic economy that can find its way into a dust-heap. The individual into whose hands I had thus fallen, was a lean, scarecrow looking per- sonage, in a threadbare coat and an old rusty hat, yet, so far from being a beggar, or the keeper of an old junk shop, was one of the richest men in Boston, who turned an honest penny by accommodating gentlemen in pinch- ing circumstances with ready cash, at a rate of interest corresponding to the scarcity of the commodity. These transactions were com- monly done in a sly place not far from Faneuil Hall Market, for this obliging old soul did not care to have his liberality obtruded upon the notice of the public, and always manifested great uneasiness when the folks in the Insurance Office dropped hints about letting money at ten per cent, a month. However, that is neither here nor there. It was late at night, and he trudged down street with me to the market, where my gentleman began to peer about among the lobsters, and after in- 5 ■60 BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK, specting several lots, at last pitched upon one just about spoiling, for which he offered half price, as it was a hot night. The bargain was concluded, after some higgling, the purchaser, upon a second examination, insisting upon a further deduction of two cents, in consequence of the deficiency of a claw. My master wrapped his purchase up safe in an old newspaper, and set off homeward. We entered the yard of a house in Street, and he bolted the gate very carefully behind him, and took us into the kitchen, where we found his wife sitting by the light of the small- est of all tallow candles. u Cre-ation ! ma'am !" he exclaimed, " what now ? what now ? — Burning out light to waste in this manner ! What upon earth is the meaning of all this ?" " Nothing, Mr Gripps, but waiting for Isaac, the boy has n't got home yet," replied the wife. " What ! what ! what 's that you say ? not got home yet ? Half after ten, and not home yet ! Cre-ation ! the creature 's bewitched !" " As sure as you live, it 's true ! Mr Gripps, and yet I gave him a strict charge to be home in season," returned she. u So did I — so did I," said the old miser, beginning to work himself up into a passion. BIOGRAPHY OF A BROOMSTICK. 51 " How many times I 've told him so ! This won't do, this won't do ! Let him go to bed in the dark. Shan't have candles to burn to waste. Go to ruin hand over fist ! — Cre-a- tion !" So saying he opened his bundle and laid the lobster very carefully upon the dres- ser. " There !" he exclaimed, fixing his little grey bargain-making eyes upon the choice morsel with a look of mingled resignation and sor- row. " There 's a dinner for Wednesday, cost ten cents! — wouldn't take less for it — ten cents ! Ugh ! Souse it in vinegar and it '11 be sure to keep : 't will make two good dinners and something to save besides : we can cer- tainly make it last till Friday ; why not ? why not ?" "Why, Mr Gripps," replied his wife, " there 's nothing for dinner tomorrow ; you know it really can't last till Friday."