Copyright, J895, 
 
 by 
 UNITED STATES BOOK COMPANY* 
 
 
The kindness extended to the write? by the re 
 viewers of the preceding: volume, " Chimmie Fadden, 
 Major Max, and Other Stories/* prompted in some 
 degree, doubtless, by fraternal good will, has been 
 justified, happily, by the sale of the book, and its 
 popularity with those whose opinions the critical would 
 most respect* 
 
 The story "Mr* Fannie Hallowell," included 
 herewith, has not been published hitherto* The 
 44 Fadden " and "Max" sketches appeared first in the 
 New York "Sun"; the others, with the exception 
 mentioned, were printed first in the San Francisco 
 "Argonaut" 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 i * 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHIMMIE FADDEN STORIES. 
 
 The Wedding of Miss Fannie, 7 
 
 An Impromptu Comedy, * . * * J5 
 
 When it Doesn t Rain in London, * * 25 
 
 A Sporty Boston Boy, * * . * 3J 
 
 A Kiss is Fair Game, , * * . 4f 
 
 The Little Miss Fannie, * 49 
 
 At the Ulalee Club, , 55 
 
 The False Vaudeville Star, 63 
 
 Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie, * , 73 
 
 The Duchess Plays Even, . * * 81 
 
 Mr* Paul and a Wily Widow, * 9J 
 
 Miss Fannie s Music Gale, * JOf 
 
 Degeneracy of His Whiskers, * . * JU 
 
 As to Sans-Gene, H9 
 
 MAJOR MAX STORIES. 
 
 The Pride of a Setter Pup, . . ,129 
 
 At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee, . 135 
 
 The Sovereign Alchemist, . . J47 
 
Contents. 
 
 AGE 
 
 That the Wisest Suffer Most, . 153 
 
 The Squaring of Bob, 161 
 
 The Mystery of Man and Mushrooms, * 169 
 The Emancipation of Mrs* Max, * Ml 
 Snails and Paternalism, * . * * 187 
 Mrs* Max s Flirtation, 195 
 
 OTHER STORIES* 
 
 How the Other Half Dies, . 203 
 
 At L Hotel de Blank, 217 
 
 "Where Sorrow Has Trodden," * * 225 
 The Way K* B* Came into Camp, * . 231 
 Mr* Fannie Hallowell, 241 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
ID I never tell you bout de weddin 
 of Miss Fannie and Mr* 
 Burton? No? Say* are you 
 on t me sayin you stid of 
 ye ? Dat s de Duchess s 
 doin* She s dead stuck on 
 me talkin like a dude* I was 
 tellin Mr* Burton bout it de odder day* and 
 he says* says he* * Chames* he says* * Chames, 
 I ll teach you t talk what de Duchess is pleased 
 t designate dem s his very lanwudge ; pleased 
 t designate ; ain t he a corker ? * is pleased t 
 designate de dude lanwudge if you ll teach me 
 your talk* 
 
 44 Say* honest* dat broke me all up* cause I 
 never taut I talked no diffrunt from him* I taut 
 it was cause de Duchess was forn she couldn t 
 get onto me talk* Wasn t I raised right on de 
 Bowry ? If dey don t talk American dere* I d 
 like t know wot fell! Dat s all I d like t 
 know* 
 
 44 Sometimes I taut it was cause I didn t use 
 no big words dat de Duchess was kickin* but 
 when I told Mr* Burton t tell me on de dead 
 level what was de matter wid me talk* he said 
 not to bodder bout it ; dat after I was round wid 
 
 THE 
 
 WEDDING 
 
 MISS 
 
 FANNIE. 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
 him a year, he taut Yd be so dudy de Duchess 
 wouldn t know me* 
 
 44 But what do you tink she makes me do ? 
 Every night I has t practise like I was a 
 actor, sayin you/ him/ his/ her/ a/ of/ 
 for half a hour* Say* Fd have a fit wid it if it 
 wasn t for de fun I gets outter de Duchess tryin 
 t teach me t say dem words like the and 
 4 think* She says 4 zz an 4 zink/ and gets 
 near crazy cause I tell her dat s dago and worse 
 dan me* I always say* 4 think/ don t I ? No ? 
 Well* I do when I tink it in time* sure* 
 
 " Well* dat wasn t what I was goin t tell you 
 bout, only I taut if I didn t tell you, you might 
 tink I was gettin stuck up, hearin all me dude 
 talk andnotknowinit was t please de Duchess* 
 
 "It was bout Miss Fannie s weddin I was 
 goin t tell you* Say, it was a Chim dandy* and 
 de Duchess and me seed it from behind some 
 trees in de music-room, where dere was a band* 
 Dose trees was palm trees what grows in tubs, 
 cept in forn parts, where dey grows out in de 
 country where dere is cocoanuts and tigers, and 
 tings like dat* 
 
 "Dere wasn t many folks at de weddin, 
 cause Miss Fannie and Mr* Burton was scared, I 
 guess was de reason* Why, dey was <^at scared 
 dey had to be stood up wid* Sure* Dere was a 
 lady stood up wid Miss Fannie, and a mug 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
 stood up wid Mr. Burton, but de Duchess, she 
 says it was only for style ; like you might stand 
 in a corner of de ring when your friend is doin 
 a scrap. See ? 
 
 44 De weddin was in de daytime, cause dat s 
 style, too, and I helped Mr. Burton t get into 
 his togs, and de Duchess she helped Miss Fan 
 nie. Mr. Burton near set me crazy wid puttin 
 on and takin off his close, till he d put on bout a 
 million diffrunt shirts, and near as many coats 
 and pants ; and den he was kickin cause they 
 didn t look right. I don t tink he ever would 
 get dressed only de mug wot was goin t stand 
 up wid him he comes chasin up where we was 
 tryin on new pants in Mr. Burton s rooms, and 
 he pipes off Mr. Burton and says : 4 Holly gee ! 
 says he not in dem words, but dat s what dey 
 meaned he says: 4 Holly gee, old chap, you 
 look like you v/as goin t marry a ghost, stid 
 of de prettiest girl in New York. What s de 
 matter wid your nerve? says he, and den: 
 What s de matter wid a small bottle ? 
 
 "He was a great jollier, dat mug it 
 was Mr. Paul for in a minute he had picked 
 out some close and says dey*s de close, and 
 dey was, sure; and den he tells me t* get 
 a small bottle outter de ice-chest, and in a 
 nodder minute he had Mr* Burton all braced 
 and grinnku 
 
 9 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
 44 But let me tell you someting funny ; it 
 was just de odder way wid Miss Fannie, so de 
 Duchess was tellin me* She got Miss Fannie 
 all dressed, and she was as cool as a ice-wagon 
 when de lady who was t stand up in her corner 
 comes in, and den dey falls in each odder s arms 
 and cries like dere was a funeral* What do you 
 tink of it ? 
 
 44 De lady never jollied her, only just had 
 weeps in her eyes, and Miss Fannie she never 
 said nottin, but just had weeps in her eyes* 
 
 44 1 asked de Duchess why didn t she open 
 a small bottle for dem, and de Duchess says 
 what did she want t spoil de fun for* 
 
 44 Dat s de way wid women ; if you try t 
 find out what dey do or don t do tings for, you re 
 worse off your base dan before* See ? De best 
 way is t take em as you find em, and try not 
 go crazy tinkin bout it* Dat s right* 
 
 44 Mr* Burton and me and de mug went up 
 t* de house early, and de Duchess she came 
 downstairs and showed how everyting was 
 fixed, and dey was fixed up t f de limit* Dere 
 was flowers and de band, and a alley tru de par 
 lor made wid wite ribbons, and dere was lots 
 of little tables in de dinin-room and de music- 
 room, where de folks was t f get grub after de 
 wedding, and dere was his Whiskers* Say, 
 you otter seed his Whiskers! He was tellin 
 
 10 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
 Mr* Burton t be good to Miss Fannie, askin de 
 best man did he nave de ring and de license, 
 and de envelope for de parson* Jollyin de Duch 
 ess and stringin me, and all de time I was dead 
 on t* him, cause he was doin all dose tings for 
 a bluff* His Whiskers is a dead sport mostly, 
 but dat mornin he came near bein a quitter* 
 
 44 De best man was onto him, too, and he 
 got him out in de dinin-room for a small bottle* 
 Say, dat mug is a wonder for small bottles, sure* 
 Wedder someting happens or someting don t 
 happen he always says, What s de matter wid 
 a small bottle? 
 
 44 He s a farmerI don t tink* 
 
 44 Well, when all de folks was dere, and de 
 band began a tune, what de Duchess said was a 
 weddin march from 4 Lonegrin, which I don t 
 know where it is, only I knowed it wasn t from 
 Coney Island, den Miss Fannie and his Whis 
 kers wid de lady and dat small-bottle mug 
 comes walkin tru de alley t where de parson 
 was* 
 
 44 1 never seed no real angels, but I guess if 
 dey s as beautiful as I hear tell, den dey must 
 look like Miss Fannie when Mr* Burton stepped 
 up and took her from her fadder* I was tinkin 
 as I was lookin at her tru de palm trees dat 
 I had someting t do wid bringin dem togedder, 
 and dat if Mr* Burton wasn t good t Miss 
 
The Wedding of Miss Fannie. 
 
 Fannie I d put a knock-out pill in his cocktail* 
 I guess I was gettin silly tinkin dose fool 
 tings when de Duchess pinched me and whis 
 pers : * Mon doo ! Chimmie, she says, 4 see dat 
 woman by the piano* Her hat ain t on straight ! f 
 
 " De Duchess and me didn t go wid em on 
 dere weddin journey, and de Duchess was all 
 broke up, cause she said Miss Fannie never 
 could get dressed widout her t help* But I 
 guess dey didn t have no trouble, cause dey 
 came chasin home all right* 
 
 "When dey come back I says, says I: 
 How de do, Miss Fannie? I says, and de 
 Duchess she calls me down hard* She is 
 Madam Burtong, says de Duchess, loofcin like 
 she d take a fall outter me* 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink Miss Fannie says ? 
 She s a dead sport* She says : 4 I d radder be 
 Miss Fannie t Chames/ she says, like dat, see ? 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
AY, was I tellin you bout dat 
 bull pup? 
 
 "Wait till I ast you* 
 Who s dat Farmer Dunn de 
 papers has all de pieces in about 
 him? He s a farmer on de 
 dead square I don t tink* 
 "Miss Fannie was goin t give a house 
 party de odder day, which was t last tree days, 
 wid felleys and ladies t come down from de 
 city to our house in de country, where we is 
 stayin since Miss Fannie came back from her 
 weddin journey* 
 
 " Well, as I was tellin you, Miss Fannie 
 wanted it t snow for de house party, so as de 
 folks what comes down from de city could have 
 sleighin and slidin and all dose tings what dey 
 don t has in de city, and what makes you feel all 
 de better when you aint in it, but is sittin round 
 de big log fire in de hall, wid Mr* Paul kinder 
 loafin round t see dat no one don t die of de 
 tirst* 
 
 "Say, dat Mr* Paul is de funniest mug 
 you ever see* He ain t fraid of nottin in de 
 world cept dat somebody will die of tirst* He 
 has some potry he speaks, what was writ by a 
 
 15 
 
 AN 
 
 IMPROMPTU 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 kinder Dago, near as I can make out, more 
 years ago dan when de steam cars came down 
 de Bowry. 
 
 44 Here s de way it goes, someting like dis. 
 See? 
 
 Drink 
 
 "Dat s de way it starts* 
 
 * Drink, for you re not on t* where you sneaks from, 
 
 nor what was de reason why 
 
 " Dat s de first line, only not quite de way 
 Mr. Paul says it ; but it s what de Dago was 
 gettin at when he writ de piece. Den he says : 
 
 Drink 
 
 44 See, dats de way de second line begins ; 
 just de same as de first. Now watch 
 
 " Drink, for you don t know where you ll skate to, 
 nor when youll get de trow down* 
 
 44 Say, dat s pretty slick, ain t it? Well, 
 Mr. Paul is always spoutin dat and den kinder 
 lookin round t see if it don t give his Whiskers 
 a tirst, which it mostly does. 
 
 "So one day Mr. Burton, what s Miss 
 Fannie s husband, he says t Mr. Paul, says he, 
 
 * Paul, he says, 4 I m sure you must be pretty fit 
 for writin potry yourself; you recites it so 
 beautiful/ says Mr. Burton. 
 
 16 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 "Den Miss Fannie laughs in de easy little 
 way what she laughs like when de mug what 
 plays de flute has de music all t himself when 
 de odder mugs in de orchestra don t do nottin, 
 and she says: I know dat Mr* Paul has a 
 swift Peg Gussie which I don t know wedder 
 dats a bull pup or a quarter horse for he uster 
 write lovely potry t me/ says Miss Fannie, 
 when I was a little goil/ 
 
 "Den Mr* Burton and his Whiskers dey 
 laughed till dey near had fits, and Mr* Paul he 
 looks solemn, and he says dat dose was only 
 practice balls, t get down t his curves ; but dat 
 he d done some real ballplaying wid Peg Gus- 
 sie since den ; what makes me tink dat Gussie 
 must be one of dem new players dey s signin 
 for de New York nine* 
 
 " Well, Miss Fannie says for Mr* Fault 
 read his piece, and he sends me up t his room 
 after a lot of paper on what de potry he writ 
 was wrote* 
 
 "Say, I made all kinds of bluffs bout de 
 room, like I was gettin busy wid doin tings, 
 just t hear Mr* Paul read dat piece, for it was 
 outer sight* It was good as anyting I ever 
 heard on top of de stage in de Bowry teeater* 
 Sure* It was up t de limit* It was a play, 
 see ? And Mr* Paul he spoke all de pieces what 
 de different folks had t say* 
 
 17 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 "I knowed it would kill em dead; and 
 when Mr* Paul was done Miss Fannie said 
 dat de folks what was comin from de city would 
 play de play, and we d have it in de room what 
 we calls de music-room* 
 
 " Well, dat s de way it was* Dat Farmer 
 Dunn I was tellin you of, he knows his business, 
 for he sent de snow Miss Fannie was wantin, 
 and de folks what come t de house party dey 
 had more fun dan a circus slidin and sleighin 
 and snowballin till de first evenin, when Miss 
 Fannie sprung de play on dem* Den dey all 
 didn t do nottin but just get stagestruck* Mr. 
 Paul was de boss, what dey call de stage mana 
 ger, and I was propty man, and de Duchess 
 was de costumer, and Miss Fannie was de 
 prompter, so dere never was a minute de 
 Duchess and me wasn t in it, which we mostly is* 
 
 44 Say, dose folks was so dead stuck on it 
 dat dey hardly laid off long enough to eat dere 
 grub* Miss Fannie she gives a bid for all de 
 swell folks what lives down near where we does 
 t come t de show, and on de night we gives it 
 de music-room was jammed like a cable car, 
 and all of us what was behind de stage was like 
 chickens widout no heads, cept Mr* Paul, who 
 was cool as a small bottle* 
 
 "Dere was one Willie-boy in de play what 
 had a scene wid a lady dat I was dead stuck 
 
 18 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 on; I mean de scene I was stuck on, not de 
 lady, cause he had such a corking piece t say 
 t her. 
 
 44 1 knowed his lines better dan he did wid 
 hearin him say dem. De lady she fcnowed her 
 business, too, but de Willie-boy was furder off 
 dan Sandy Hook* 
 
 44 Well, on de evenin of de play I seen dat 
 little dude tankin up like he had a real man s 
 tirst on* Mr* Paul seen it, too, and he says t 
 me, says he, Chames, he says, keep de small 
 bottles away from dat boy or we ll have t carry 
 him on de stage/ he says. 
 
 "Say, dat gives me a jolt in me tinker, 
 see? I was tinkin dat if de Willie-boy got 
 a load on I d speak his piece, and paralyze 
 de folks. Well, 1 never hoped t paralyze em 
 de way I did. When de time was comin 
 near for de curtain t be pulled up by his 
 Whiskers what dat was his job everybody 
 was so busy dey forgot de dude, cept me; and 
 I wasn t doin nottin but just touchin me fore d 
 and sayin, quiet and polite like, Glass of wine, 
 sir? 
 
 44 Pretty soon he was so muggy in his little 
 head he didn t know wedder he was in West- 
 chester county or Hoboken, and I was just 
 tankin him along till he was clean dead t de 
 woild. 
 
 19 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 "Say, dat s de time I got in me smood 
 work* I took de long coat he had t wear, and 
 de big soft dicer wio a fedder into it, and de 
 mustache and goatee and de sword, and I puts 
 em on* See ? 
 
 "Well, de play was goin long like a 
 ambiance it was knockin de folks silly when 
 de lady de dude was t say his piece wid gives 
 his cue, what s de word for him t get a move on. 
 
 44 Say, me heart was tumpm de ribs outter 
 me nearly and de audince was still as a mice, 
 for de dude has money t burn a wet dog wid, 
 and was sweet on dat lady besides. De lady 
 gives de cue again, but Willie was just snorin 
 in de corner, so I says t meself, Chimmie, I 
 says, 4 here s where you does yourself proud/ 
 and I rushes on de stage. De lady wasn t on t 
 me, needer was de audince, but I heard Mr. 
 Paul and Miss Fannie give a groan; but me 
 once bein in de ring, I couldn t lock back. 
 
 44 Me business was t skate up t de lady, 
 kneel down, grab her hand, which was what I 
 done, and den I says : 
 
 44 Needer war nor war s alarms, 
 
 Flood, nor fire, nor friend, nor foe, 
 Can detain me from your charms 
 
 "But, holly gee! Just den I seed de 
 Duchess in de wings, havin seven fits, and I 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 dean forgot de next line, and so I yells out, just 
 t* make up de jingle : 
 
 44 Lady, lady, let her go! 
 
 "Den de audince was howlin, and near 
 bustin derselfs wid laughin, but de lady on de 
 stage was so rattled bout her own business dat 
 she never tumbled what was up, and she gives 
 me a kiss, what was what she had t do, and 
 den de curtain come down wid all de folks 
 chokin derselves blue* 
 
 "Say, when de curtain was down Miss 
 Fannie comes t me cryin* Mr, Paul looks like he 
 was going t scrap wid me right dere, and his 
 Whiskers was lookin he didn t know what t ell* 
 
 "Den de lady began t tumble, and sheasts 
 what t ell, only not dose words, and I says I 
 only went on cause de gent what was t speak 
 de piece was tired* Say, what do you tink dat 
 lady done? She s a dead game sport, she is* 
 She went over t de corner where de Willie-boy 
 was snoozing, gives him a look, and comes 
 back t* Miss Fannie, and says dat she wanted 
 de play finished wid me in de part* 4 Yd radder 
 go on wid a sober man dan a drunken gentle 
 man, says she, lookin kinder wite round de 
 gills* 
 
 " Say, dafs what we done* Fm givin it to 
 you straight De lady says t me, Chames/ 
 
 31 
 
An Impromptu Comedy. 
 
 says she, I guess Mr, Paul didn t write our 
 scenes for comic scenes, but we ll give em dat 
 way/ says she, sure, 
 
 "Say, I showed em what was actin, I 
 give em de real Bowry touch, Dat s right, 
 De lady was dead game sport, and we killed de 
 whole audince dead every time we was on, 
 
 44 Early de next day dat Willie-boy chases 
 back t de city, and dere wasn t nobody up t see 
 him off, needer. But, say, he was kinder 
 sporty himself, for he never give it away dat it 
 was me what tanked him up I d lose me job 
 if he did/ 
 
 22 
 
When it Doesn t Rain in London* 
 
ELL, did you see what de papers WHEN IT 
 is printin bout de dudes close? f* N J 
 I mean dose pieces what says LONDON. 
 what mug has de dead cinch 
 on bein de dandiest dresser on 
 de avnoo? 
 
 Say, what s de matter 
 
 wid me in dat game ? I wears, when I comes t* 
 town, Mr* Paul s close, and me and him is just 
 a fit, cept dat I has t turn up his pants bout a 
 mile, and his sleeves comes over me knuckles* 
 Dat s right* He s de longest slim-chim you 
 ever see* 
 
 "He seed me de odder day when I was all 
 harnessed up in his close t come in t de Dog 
 Show t see could I get track of a good bull pup 
 what Mr* Paul wants t give t Miss Fannie* 
 Was I tellin you bout dat bull pup ? 
 
 "Well, he sees me, and he looks at me 
 solem-like, and he says t me, says he, Chames, he 
 says, hold up de tails of your overcoat/ he says* 
 
 " What for? says I; and he says, I 
 wants t see how far your trousers is turned up ; 
 what is what he calls pants* 
 
 "Den I hoists me overcoat like I was a 
 lady crossin de streets in de mud, and Mr* Paul 
 
When It Doesn t Rain in London. 
 
 looks at me pants, what was turned up back so 
 dat de bottoms was near me knees, dey being 
 his pants, like I was tellin you what he give t 
 me, and he looks at dem a while, smokin his 
 cigar like he was tinkin, and den he says, says 
 he, Chames/ he says, if de little boys in de 
 club windows ever seen you in dose trousers 
 widout de overcoat hidin de roll-up, you d break 
 dere hearts/ he says, cause den dey*d know dat 
 none of dem wasn t no longer in de race t be 
 king of de dudes/ 
 
 "Say, I taut he was just stringin me, and I 
 only touches me hat and says dat Fd keep me 
 coat on so s I wouldn t break dere hearts wid me 
 pants, and den I forgot bout it and come down t 
 de Dog Show wid de Duchess, what had some 
 errants t do for Miss Fannie. 
 
 "What do you tink happens den? Say, 
 dis is straight. De Duchess and me was skatin 
 round de show, and I was near dead wid de 
 heat, so I took oft me overcoat and carried it on 
 me arm* De first ting I knowd everywhere de 
 Duchess and me stopped t look at a dog dere 
 was always a lot of dose little Willie-boys* Dey 
 would come and stand round wid dere sticks in 
 dere mouts and dere eyes open like dolls* 
 Pretty soon I says f de Duchess, * What t ell ! 
 I says. Does dese kids tink we is farmers, or 
 what t ell? says L 
 
When It Doesn t Rain in London. 
 
 "Den de Duchess looks at de little dudes, 
 den she looks at me, and when she seen me 
 pants what went all de way down to me heels 
 and back again t me knees, she give me de 
 wink t look at de Willie boys* 
 
 "Say, I taut Fd have a fit* Sure* Every 
 one of dose muglets had turned up his pants as far 
 as mine, and dat left all dere stockings on show. 
 Dey was all lookin as puzzled as if some one had 
 suddent asked em what day it was, or some- 
 ting hard, like dat, and after a while one of em 
 comes up t me, and he says, Beg pahdon, he 
 says, like de way dey talk, you know, beg 
 pahdon/ says he, but would you mind tellin me 
 how you do it? 
 
 "How I does what, Willie? I says* Den 
 he says: Beg pahdon, my name s not Willie; 
 it s Chawley* How do you turn your trousers 
 up t your knees, and keep em down t your 
 shoes at de same time ? he says* 
 
 " All de other little dudes crowded round t 
 hear how I done it, and dey near made me crazy 
 wid de way dey didn t wink, never* 
 
 "Den I says: Children, I says, solemn 
 as de Judge in de Tombs, says I, Children, I 
 has me pants made a extra foot long on purpose, 
 and dats de way I does it* 
 
 * Dey all taut a while, and den Chawley 
 says to me, he says: Beg pahdon, but what 
 
 27 
 
When It Doesn t Rain in London. 
 
 do you do when it doesn t rain in London, and 
 you don t turn up your trousers? 
 
 " Say, I taut for a second dat de dude had 
 trun me down, but I happens to tinfc bout de 
 way dat I was a lord chap in Chicago dat 
 time wid Mr, Paul, and I says: Dere is no 
 use in tellin you unless you is Scotch/ says L 
 I m Scotch on me modder s side, she bein Lady 
 McFadden-Fadden of Gabberdow, so when it 
 doesn t rain in London I don t wear no pants, I 
 wears a kilt/ 
 
 " Say, I was stuck on meself for tinfcin of 
 dat, for it made every little Willie blink* If dey 
 had kept dere eyes starin much longer Pd had t 
 tump some of em just to get a blink out of em, 
 or else I d gone clean daffy. 
 
 "Den de Duchess and me chases ourselves 
 out of de Garden wid all de little muglets 
 trottin after us till de Duchess made me put on 
 me overcoat, for fear some of em might folley 
 us clean home, when Mr. Paul would tink I d 
 bought home more puppies dan he wanted." 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy* 
 
BOY. 
 
 ever I get old enough t A SPORTY 
 know what s good for me, I ll l 
 go into de freak shows as de 
 mug what discovered Harlem* 
 I always upsets de growler just 
 when it s full, and dat s why I 
 aint stuck on meself* See? 
 
 Everyting up to our house was runnin slick as 
 a ambiance, and tings was comin my way 
 so fast I was near breakin me neck dodgin em* 
 Dat s good nough for a mug like me, aint it ? 
 Sure* 
 
 44 Well, lemme tell you* I was out in de 
 barn teachin de coachman s kid dat old song 
 which, him being a farmer, he didn t know: 
 
 * Daddy wouldn t buy me de Bowry, 
 Daddy wouldn t buy me de Bowr y, 
 He bought me Central Park, 
 But dars no good after dark, 
 And Fd rader he had bought de Bow-wow-wow-ry* 
 
 "Say, I was just tellin him Pd give him 
 one more chanst to sing it right or I d tump 
 him, when in comes his Whiskers, wid a mug 
 what comes from Boston t visit us. Say, I was 
 on t dat mug when he was to our house before, 
 and I puts him up for a sporty boy* See? 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 " Well, he comes out dere f look at a horse 
 what his Whiskers got for Miss Fanny to try, 
 He knows a horse, oat Boston mug does, when 
 he sees one* I fetches de horse outter de stall 
 and was holdin him while dey was pipin him 
 off* All of a sudden dat Boston mug says t 
 his Whiskers, he says, Don t you know any 
 sloggin match on for to-night ? says he. 
 
 44 Say, his Whiskers looked like he was par 
 alyzed, and I seen him wink at de mug and tip 
 me off like he was tellin him for t hold his mout 
 in front of me* See ? Say, dat mug was a 
 sport, sure, for he let on he didn t tumble t 
 what t ell his Whiskers was givin him, and he 
 says, givin me de wink on de dead quiet, says 
 he, 4 Dis boy of yours looks like he would know 
 where a innocent gent from Boston could find 
 a little scrap on de quiet/ he says, like dat. See? 
 Dem s his very words. 4 A innocent gent from 
 Boston/ Aint dey great ? Say, dat mug is no 
 farmer, if he does live a long way from de 
 Bowry. Sure* 
 
 "Den his Whiskers he kinder laughed and 
 called him de worst name I ever heard in me 
 life. I couldn t just get on, but it was something 
 like uncorgible/ not just dat, but like dat. It 
 was a corker. 
 
 " Wid dat his Whiskers sent de coachman s 
 kid away and he shut de door, and he says t 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 me, says he, Chames/ he says, Chames, me 
 friend from Boston is a student of human 
 nature/ he says like dat* And if you are onto a 
 boxin match anywhere to-night/ he says, praps 
 you could bring us dere widout Miss Fannie 
 knowin it/ Dat s what he says* Jollyin me, 
 see? Say, I taught Fd die, cause I couldn t 
 laugh, but I says, sober as a judge in de Tombs, 
 I says, * De Rose Leaf Social Outin and Life 
 Savin Club has a scrap on to-night/ says I, and 
 I could get you in dere for a plunk each/ 
 
 "I knowed de tickets was only twenty-five 
 cents, but I taut as his Whiskers was jollyin me 
 Pd jolly him* See ? Den de Boston sport, he 
 says, sober as me, says he, 4 You go and fix 
 tings, and well meet you after dinner/ says he, 
 and he flashed up a fiver* Dat s straight; a 
 clean green fiver* He s a dead sport, dat mug* 
 
 " Well, I told em where t meet me at nine 
 o clock, and I made a sneak down t* de Bowry 
 t fix tings wid me friend de barkeep, what s 
 President of de Rose Leafs* When I told de 
 barkeep dat de swell gents was comin t meet 
 me in his place, he never charged nottin for de 
 tickets* 
 
 "Well, at nine o clock dey comes chasin 
 up t de door in a hack and, holly gee ! who do 
 you tinfc was wid em? Mr* Burton, Miss 
 Fanny s husband, sure* Mr* Burton says, 
 
 33 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 when dey chases in de place, says he, Good 
 evenin, Mr* Fadden/ he says, as polite as dat ; 
 4 Good evenin, Mr* Fadden/ Dat was because 
 he was tryin t t string de crowd dere, and make 
 em tink oe swells wasn t no swells, but was 
 friends of mine; was coachmen or butlers or 
 tings like dat* See? Say, dat s where dey 
 was farmers* De crowd dere was dead on to 
 onct* Dere ain t nobody can string dose Rose 
 Leaves* Dey don t live far from de Bowry, and 
 none of em has been doin any farmin since yes 
 terday* But me friend de barkeep he gives de 
 gang de wink and den de gang pretended not t 
 be on to me company* 
 
 44 Next, me friend de barkeep tips us de 
 wink and we makes a sneak after him t de 
 back room, where de scrappin was* Say, you 
 would a died t see de sporty boy from Boston 
 jolly up de game* He chipped in for de purse, 
 and he trowed schooners down his face, till de 
 gang was all stuck on his style* But his 
 Whiskers was kinder cranky and off his base, 
 and kept his eye on de door all de time* Well, 
 two mixed-ale fedder-weights was sloggin each 
 odder good for de first purse, when his Whis 
 kers, all of a sudden, near fell off his chair, and he 
 groans, De police ! 
 
 "Daft what dey was, sure nough; de 
 cops* Dey come in de front door and die back 
 
 34 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 door, and dere was a cop at de window* De 
 gang was near paralyzed* Say, I didn t know 
 what t ell, cause I was tinkin what Miss Fan 
 nie would say if she ever heard* De first ting 
 de sporty boy says was t tell me to fix de cops, 
 and he shoved a wad in me fist* I knowed de 
 cop what was bossin de raid* and I knowed 
 dere was no fixin him wid de stuff* But I col 
 lared de wad, just as hard, and went over and 
 whispers to de cop, Do you know Senator Bur 
 ton ? I whispered* 
 
 444 Sure/ said he* 
 
 " Well, dat s him/ I says, noddin to Miss 
 Fannie s husband* 
 
 "De cop looks over and says, says he, 
 fell! dat s straight sure; but what s he 
 doin here ? 
 
 " He s wid a couple of members from 
 Albany, I says, vestigatin de slums, I says* 
 
 " Say, I give him de glad lie so straight dat 
 it went* See r 
 
 " De cop says, Sneak em outter here quick, 
 he says, and he give de tip t de cop on de door, 
 while I chases out wid me swell company* De 
 hack was outside and dey all jumps in, and I 
 jumps on de box wid de driver* All de way up 
 t de club I heard em laughin inside, and when 
 I gets down to open de door his Whiskers was 
 tefiin em not to give him away to Miss Fannie* 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 "Den his Whiskers says tome, Chames/ 
 he says, you go home and keep your mout 
 shut/ says he* 
 
 44 4 Yes, sir/ I says, and hands back de wad 
 t de sporty Boston* 
 
 44 He looks at it, and den at me, and he 
 says, What s dis ? Didn t you use it ? says 
 he. 
 
 44 4 No/ says I, I squared it wid de Sena 
 tor s pull/ I says. 
 
 44 When dey heard how I done it, dey gives 
 me a great jolly, and de Boston mug gives me 
 back de wad and says, Chames, let dis be a 
 lesson to you/ he says, 4 and lead no more inno 
 cent gents from Boston t de Bowry no more/ 
 says he, and dey all chases in de club. 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink dere was in dat 
 wad? Dere was fifty plunks. Dat s right. 
 Fifty good long greens. 
 
 "De next day I gives me friend de barkeep 
 twenty-five plunks, for dat s what de judge fined 
 him; and I was feelin pretty good, till I got 
 home, and holly gee ! how de Duchess did jump 
 me wid bot feet. 
 
 "Say, what do you tink? De whole 
 game was give to Miss Fannie by a ijet dude 
 what heard it at de club. De dude meets Miss 
 Fanny on de street and tells her de whole yarn, 
 she pretendin all de time dat she didn t care, so 
 36 
 
A Sporty Boston Boy. 
 
 de dude couldn t have no laugh on Mr* Burton 
 and his Whiskers* Ain t she a torrowbred ? 
 
 44 But when she gets home she near had a fit, 
 and de Duchess she near had a fit, cause Miss 
 Fannie said it was me what was de wicked 
 mug* and den I near had a fit wid de Duchess 
 jawin so* and I didn t know what fell* De 
 Duchess calls me a leetle beast/ what s her 
 forn way when she s sore* 
 
 "Well* Miss Fannie sent for me and I 
 gives her a great song and dance bout how de 
 gents was only wantin t do de slums* and never 
 meant to see no scrappin* Miss Fannie said she 
 blamed me most for 4 leadin Mr* Burton astray* 
 what was a most innocent young man* Wid 
 dat de Duchess gives me a wink what made 
 me want t laugh so hard dat dere was weeps 
 in me eyes* and Miss Fannie* tinking I was 
 cryin* called de game off* and I chases out wid 
 de Duchess after me* De Duchess never let 
 up on me till I had coughed up dose twenty-five 
 plunks* 
 
 44 Say* I aint playin in no luck* De next 
 time dat sporty Boston boy tackles me for a 
 scrap I ll give him one, instead of fetchin him to 
 one* See?" 
 
A Buss is Fair Game* 
 
R PAUL is a farmer I don t A KISS 
 tink* Why, he s slick as dey IS FAIR 
 makes em; and dough he GAME 
 looks like he was tired t deat, 
 I m tinkin he could give weight 
 to any one in his class and lose 
 em in de turn. 
 
 "Dat s right. He was a winner at our 
 Christmas tree what we had down at our place in 
 de country where we is stoppin till Miss Fannie 
 scuse me ! I forgot* De Duchess said I was t 
 keep me mout shut bout Miss Fannie, and dat s 
 why we is staying in de country* No, you 
 needn t wink at me* I ain t sayin nottin, cept 
 bout dat Christmas tree* 
 
 44 Well, as I was tellin you, we had de tree 
 at our house, and all de dude folks round dere 
 came in de afternoon wid dere kids* Miss 
 Fannie was dead set on havin all de folks 
 bring dere kids and dere presents to our tree* 
 And such kids ! Say, dey wasn t much like de 
 kids Miss Fannie uster take grub to and jolly up 
 dere modders when I first knowd her down in de 
 east side* Dey were all like dose lairies what s 
 into plays out on top of de stage, only dese was 
 de real ting, no make-believe* Dey was outter 
 
A Kiss Is Fair Game. 
 
 sight wid dere pretty close, and dere pretty hair, 
 and dere pretty faces* 
 
 "De funniest ting bout em was dat dey 
 didn t seem t be in nobody s way, as de kids 
 where I uster live always was ; and dey wasn t 
 fraid of nobody needer, like dey taut dey was 
 sure to get a tumpin pretty soon. 
 
 44 Say, you otter seen his Whiskers ! He 
 was dressed up like a mug dey called Santa 
 Glaus, wid whiskers all over him and furs and a 
 beak say, Mr* Paul painted his Whiskers s 
 beak, and you could seen it a mile tru a fog I It 
 was a peach ! 
 
 44 Well, me and Mr. Paul and his Whiskers 
 was in a side room waitin for de kids all t get 
 in de parlor, and his Whiskers was all de time 
 sayin dat his Santa Glaus close fitted him too 
 warm, and Mr. Paul was all de time tellin me to 
 open small bottles so as t cool off Santa Glaus ; 
 and before de tree was ready his Whiskers 
 didn t know wedder his name was Santa Glaus 
 or Dennis. When we went t de tree all de kids 
 and all dere mudders and all dere dads was 
 dere, and Miss Fannie was dere, and de Duchess 
 was dere say, dat Duchess always sneaks in 
 on a bluff dat she s helpin, which she never 
 ain t, only just pipin tings t talk bout em and 
 den we gives out de presents. De first crack 
 his Whiskers makes to get down a present he 
 
A Kiss Is Fair Game. 
 
 near knocks over de dinky tree. Den Miss 
 Fannie comes up, and she gives Mr* Paul a look 
 like she was onto what he d been doin, but she 
 only says, jolly like : 4 Let s do it dis way, fad- 
 der, she says* Mr. Paul will read off de 
 name; Chames/ meanin me, Chames will 
 reach down de presents, and yuse ll give it t* de 
 child what it s for/ says she* See ? 
 
 44 So dat s de way we done; and pretty soon 
 all de kids had so many presents dey couldn t 
 pack em round* Den dey had dere grub, and 
 den dey went home wid de servants, and den de 
 old folks had dere grub* It was after dat dat 
 Mr* Paul played de game I was tellin you bout* 
 Before dinner he made a sneak into de rooms 
 where he knuwd all de folks would go after 
 dinner, and he tied a piece of mistletoe on de 
 carpets what hangs between de rooms de 
 carpets what dey calls de porteers, you know* 
 
 44 Say, I seen him doin it, and I says t de 
 Duchess, says I, What t ell, I says, what t ell 
 is his game, tyin a dinky piece of tree on de 
 porteers ? I says* 
 
 "Den she tells me dat it was mistletoe, 
 and dat any man what catched a girl under it 
 had a dead right t kiss her* Never mind wedder 
 she s marrieo or net, de mug had de law on his 
 side, and nobody had a license t kick* Dat 
 was de ghost story de Duchess gives me, and 
 
 43 
 
A Kiss Is Fair Game. 
 
 when I tdk her dat she was lying she just 
 laughed and said for me to wait and see* 
 
 44 De Duchess felt so good bout it dat I guess 
 she taut some one might catch her dere. But I 
 looked after dat meseli 
 
 44 Say, as I was tellin you, de folks all went 
 in dose rooms after dinner, and nobody noticed 
 de mistletoe cept Mr, Paul, who was all de 
 time sorter loafin round dere like you d tink dere 
 must be a small bottle dere. 
 
 44 Well, pretty soon me and de Duchess, we 
 was peekin in tru some odder porteers, and we 
 seen Miss Fannie walking from one room t de 
 odder, and she had t* go straight under de 
 mistletoe. Dere stood Mr. Paul. De Duchess 
 gives me a pinch. 
 
 "Say, dis is straight: de second Miss 
 Fannie gets under dat mistletoe Mr. Paul 
 steps up, cool and quiet, puts one hand under 
 her chin, pushes up her face, and gives her 
 a kiss on de mout. Smack on de mout, Fm 
 tellin you. 
 
 "Dat s right. Miss Fannie looks near 
 paralyzed, and turns wite, Den Mr. Paul he 
 smiled, and pointed up t de mistletoe, and 
 everybody looked, and dey all laughed and 
 clapped dere hands. 
 
 "His Whiskers he called out, Dat s fair 
 game, Fannie, dat s fair game/ 
 
A Kiss Is Fair Game. 
 
 "Den all de men dey begins t* put up jobs 
 t get de ladies t walk from one room t* de 
 odder ; and say, you never seed so many tings 
 de ladies in one room had t go and tell de ladies 
 in de odder, till dey had a regular circus in 
 dere, 
 
 44 Bime by Miss Fannie came out t t where 
 we was t order some punch sent in dere, and 
 she asked de Duchess if she knew who tied dat 
 mistletoe up, 
 
 44 1 give de Duchess de wink t keep her 
 mout shut, but she said : 4 Chames saw Mr. 
 Paul/ says she, 4 saw Mr, Paul tyin it up before 
 dinner/ says she, 
 
 44 Say, I taut Miss Fannie would sure give 
 me a jawin for not tellin her before dinner* But 
 she didn t" 
 
 45 
 
The Little Miss Fannie, 
 
USY! Say, if it was anybody THE 
 but you I wouldn t stop even t LITTL E 
 say howdy* Yes, dat s right* MISS 
 I taut you might guess it* It s FANNIE, 
 a girl anodder Miss Fannie* 
 De granfadder dat s his 
 Whiskers, you know is so 
 stuck on himself dat he can t do nottin but 
 shake hands wid himself and de neighbors ; de 
 dad, dat s Mr* Burton, ain t come out of his 
 trance yet ; Mr* Paul is openin small bottles all 
 de time; de Duchess can t take a minute off 
 from fightin de nurse, so I has t do all de comin 
 t town t get tings* I guess if it wasn t for me 
 de little Miss Fannie wouldn t have no show on 
 eart* 
 
 "Say, de whole house is daffey, only cept 
 Miss Fannie and me* I ain t seen her yet, only 
 onct when she was sittin up talkin t de little 
 one in just a kinder quiet coaxy voice when de 
 nurse was asleep and Miss Fannie s room only 
 had de firelight, and de Duchess she sneaked de 
 door open a crack so as I could look in t make 
 sure wid me own eyes dat Miss Fannie was all 
 right* She was sittin in front of de fire holdin 
 de little one what she d taken out of de basket 
 
 49 
 
The Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 by her side, and when I seen her, why, den I 
 didn t say nottin* Dey was all right, and I felt 
 like I had a cinch on heaven* 
 
 44 Well, as I was tellin you, when little Miss 
 Fannie come, dat was bout tree weeks ago, Mr* 
 Paul he chased hisself down t de city pretendin 
 he had t look for a bull pup* 
 
 44 Say, was I tellin you bout dat bull pup ? 
 He was down here two days when his Whis 
 kers told me t telegraph for him, cause, says he, 
 dere ain t nobody but Mr* Paul knows where 
 de wine was put in de cellar what we bought 
 for dis casion* 
 
 44 It was before he come back dat de Duch 
 ess had her first scrap wid de nurse* Say, dat 
 was a daisy, and de Duchess win in a romp. 
 
 44 Lemme tell you* De doctor says dat de 
 nurse was in charge when de doctor was away, 
 and de nurse tinks dat dat gives her de house 
 to own all for her lonely* See ? 
 
 Dat lets de Duchess out, and she was dead 
 sore, and I seed dat she was goin t run tings 
 bout Miss Fannie like she always has or have 
 a fit, and de Duchess ain t stuck on fits* 
 
 44 So one day de Duchess sneaked in Miss 
 Fannie s rooms when de nurse was out, and in 
 bout a minute she had de blinds and curtains 
 up, and lots of sunshine in* And Mr* Burton 
 she let in, and his Whiskers she let in, and de 
 5 
 
The Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 Duchess had little Miss Fannie up and showin it 
 t its fadder and grandfadder, and de Duchess 
 was singin one of dose dinky little French songs 
 she sings, and tings was just jollyin along 
 beautiful when de nurse tried to get in de rooms ; 
 but de Duchess had locked all de doors* Den I 
 sneaked up t de nurse like I had been posted by 
 de Duchess to do, and I says, says I, De doc 
 tor s just comin up de drive, nurse/ 
 
 "Den de nurse she says t me, says she: 
 Tell dat French cat/ meanin de Duchess, tell 
 dat French cat t let me in before de doctor 
 comes* If you don t, I m ruined in me busi 
 ness/ 
 
 44 So I gives de signal on de door, and de 
 Duchess opens it and says, wid more style on 
 her dan a blue-ribbon winner, says she, 4 Oh, is 
 it you, nurse? Well, be careful, now, not t 
 disturb tings as Fve ranged them* Dat s a good 
 
 woman/ 
 
 "Dat s de way de Duchess got hold of 
 tings, and now she and de nurse is scrappin 
 most of de time t see which is the best man, and 
 it s a good fight as it lays, 
 
 "Say, de first time MrJ Burton was act if 
 he would hold de kid he got wite in de gills and 
 near fainted, and wouldn t hold it for fear of 
 breakin it* Den his Whiskers he held it, and it 
 was Miss Fannie what near had de fit, as de 
 
The Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 Duchess was tellin me ; and what t ell I want 
 t know is why Miss Fannie wanted her hus 
 band t t hold ae little Fannie when he never 
 was a faKder before, and was afraid f have his 
 Whiskers hold de kid when he s been a fadder 
 for twenty-five years* 
 
 " Dafs de funny ting bout women. Dey 
 tinks dere husbands knows more dan dere fad- 
 ders, dat dey knows more demselves dan dere 
 husbands, and dat dere fadders knows more dan 
 demselves* You can t make dat game fit toged- 
 der no way ; dere is always one chicken outer 
 de coop* See ? 
 
 " Well, s long* I has a lot of tings t chase 
 after, and now dat I m down in de city I guess 
 Pll look up a bull pup* 
 
 44 Say, was I tellin you bout de bull pup ?" 
 
At the Ulalee Club, 
 
OU otter been wid us de odder AT THE 
 night^ when me and de Duch- ULALEE 
 ess, and me friend de barkeep CLUB 
 and his lady friend, was t de 
 ball of de Ulalee Club. You 
 remember dat Ulalee what was 
 over here from some dago 
 country de time me and de Duchess was mar 
 ried, what dey fired all de guns on de gunboats 
 off for? Sure, dat s de one I means* Well, me 
 friend de barkeep and some of his friends forms 
 a club for a mask ball, and calls it de Ulalee 
 Club, after her, cause dey say she was a dead 
 game sport, only she had her company manners 
 on when she was here, and never had no 
 chanst t show her gait* 
 
 "Say, you know I ain t stuck on society, 
 and I never would have gone t de ball only 
 when me friend de barkeep sends me de invites 
 I taut it would do de Duchess no harm if she 
 took a little turn in society, she bein cooped up 
 wid Miss Fannie and de little Miss Fannie till 
 she wasn t right. She wasn t fit, dat s what I 
 mean; she was overtrained* See? 
 
 "So I says t her, says I, Duchess/ I says, 
 4 what s de matter wid us sneakin t de city for 
 
 ss 
 
At the Ulalee Club. 
 
 de Ulalee ball, and doin a turn in society? I 
 wonder you wouldn t give de boys and girls 
 a treat, cause nobody ain t seen us since de little 
 Miss Fannie has came/ 
 
 44 4 Dat s all right wid you, Cheems/ says 
 she, cause you can tell Mr. Burton you re 
 goin down t de city t look up a bull pup, but I 
 ain t got no game to play like dat, she says. 
 
 44 Dat was only a song and dance de Duch 
 ess was givin me, and I knowed dat de real rea 
 son she was leary bout goin was cause she was 
 havin dat same old fight wid de nurse, and she 
 didn t want t give de nurse a innins when she 
 wasn t round t play ball, too* See ? De Duch 
 ess is fraid dat if she ain t dere de whole time dat 
 de nurse will swipe little Miss Fannie and de 
 Duchess will get de trow-down for not bein 
 dere* 
 
 "Say, I never seen such a lot of daffey 
 folks, anyhow* De whole gang is down on 
 dere shin bones de whole time t little Miss 
 Fannie, and I wouldn t tink I was earnin me 
 wages if it wasn t for Mr* Paul sayin what 
 was de matter wid me openin a small bot for 
 him and his Whiskers and Mr* Burton pretty 
 often* Mr* Paul has stopped countin de small 
 bots since he heard he was t be de godfadder* 
 
 44 But let me tell you bout de ball* I told 
 de Duchess, what t ell, I told her* I says dat if 
 
 56 
 
At the Ulalee Club. 
 
 she didn t want t go I d take Maggie de house 
 maid, what she was a good little girl* Dat set 
 tled it* De Duchess she went, ana never peeped 
 bout, havin no game t sneak on. 
 
 44 Say, de Duchess was a fairy dat night* 
 We went first wid her bag t de place where me 
 friend de barkeep s lady friend lives* 
 
 "Well, dere de Duchess put on her ball 
 close, and den de four of us chases t de ball in 
 a carriage me friend had* Oh, he ain t no 
 farmer ! 
 
 44 De goils had on masks, and early in de 
 evenin we didn t do much but sit in de box of 
 me friend and drink beer and jolly de boys and 
 girls who was dancin* It was dead slow, 
 dough; and me friend was near crazy cause 
 dere was a big crowd dere and every one was 
 spectin dey was goin t have a corkin time, but 
 dey mostly looked like dey was all tree-times 
 losers* 
 
 44 Me friend de barkeep had put his own 
 good plunks in de ball, and if it was a frost he 
 never could give anodder, and he was usin 
 some beautiful lanwudge cause dere wasn t no 
 high kickin* 
 
 44 Den de Duchess and de odder goil began 
 whisperin togedder, and pretty soon dey says 
 what s de matter wid our goin on de floor and 
 havin a quadrille* 
 
 57 
 
At the Ulalee Club. 
 
 * Say, honest, I never taut nottin was up 
 till de music was goin and we d backed and 
 for d twict, and den all of a suddint, when de 
 Duchess and her friend went * ladies for d, dey 
 bote let go ; and holly gee ! I never knowed de 
 Duchess could do it ! ill give it to you straight, 
 dey bote kicked so high oere feet met clean up 
 in de air ! 
 
 "I was near paralyzed, but I didn t say 
 nottin, cause de crowd jammed round us and 
 gave de goils de cheer, and den we all four 
 danced t beat ell* 
 
 44 Say, it was more fun dan you ever seen* 
 Pm a pretty good kicker for high meself, and 
 so is me friend de barkeep; and seein we was in 
 for it, I says t meself, says 1, 4 What t ell I Let 
 her go, Chimmie, I says ; and we just shook de 
 odder two couple in de set and did de greatest 
 kickin dere ever was at a ball or Pm a 
 farmer* 
 
 44 Say, we was rollin it high, sure, when 
 dere in de front of de crowd what was singin 
 and clappin and shoutin for us I seen his 
 Whiskers yellin like de horse he had his 
 money on was winnin by a nose* He didn t 
 see me, cause he was watchin de goils wid bote 
 eyes* 
 
 " When de dance was over his Whiskers 
 was makin a break for de goils, cause he didn t 
 
At the Ulalee Club. 
 
 know de Duchess, she havin her mask on ; but 
 I just steps up to him, and givin him de salute, 
 I says, Any orders, sir ? 
 
 44 Say, I taut he d fall in a fit, but he made 
 de grand brace, and says dat, feelin radder tired 
 wid all de worry and anxiety dem s his words 
 de anxiety bout Miss Fannie and de kid, he 
 taut he d relax himself wid a little innocent 
 amusement* I needn t say anyting bout it at 
 home, he says, cause it might not be understood* 
 Dat s de little song he sung me, wid me standin 
 wid me fingers at me for d, and never even 
 blinfcin* 
 
 44 De Duchess seen me wid his Whiskers, 
 and she chases up and says, 4 Cheems won t say 
 nottin bout it, says she, 4 and he wouldn t say 
 nottin even if you sent some wine up t box 19, 
 she says t him ; she not blinkin, needer* 
 
 44 Say, what de you tink of dat goil ? Ain t 
 she a torrowbred ? When his Whiskers heard 
 her voice, he kinder smiled and says : 4 Dat s a 
 very good suggestion, Hortense, he says* I ll 
 remember box J9 for de pleasure your dancin 
 gave me, says he* 
 
 "Well, he didn t forget, cause a waiter 
 comes along to our box pretty soon and says 
 dat de manager says our box has credit for all 
 de wine we wants, and we was wantin it pretty 
 hard de rest of de night* Dat dance started de 
 
 59 
 
At the Ulalee Club. 
 
 odder high kickers, and de ball was real elegant 
 after dak 
 
 "De next day I had t* chase round after a 
 bull pup, cause daf s what I told Mr. Burton I 
 was comin t town for* Was I tellin you bout 
 dat bull pup ? No ? Well, any old day will 
 do t tell you bout dat/ 
 
The False Vaudeville Stan 
 
H, dat Duchess lt be de deat of THE 
 
 FALSE 
 
 STAR. 
 
 me* Sure. De funniest ting 
 
 bout women is dat dey is al- VAUDEVILLE 
 
 ways givin you a game what 
 
 ain t straight when a straight 
 
 game wouldn t do em no 
 
 harm. See ? 
 
 44 Lemme tell you. De odder day de Duch 
 ess says t me, says she, Chames, she says, 
 * I has t have de dentiss fix me toot, says she. 
 4 Make a sneak wid me t de city, cause we is 
 down in de country yet, what I was tellin you 
 of. Den I says t her, What t ell? says L 
 What s de matter wid tellin Miss Fannie dat 
 de dentiss mug has t fix your toot ? I says. 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink dat Duchess says ? 
 She says dat if she tells Miss Fannie what 
 she s goin for, Miss Fannie ll tink she s lyin, 
 but if she lies t her, Miss Fannie ll tink she s 
 tellin de trut. Dat s right. Dem s de very 
 song and dance de Duchess gives me. Dat s 
 de way wid most folks and all forn women. 
 
 "Well, I told Mr. Burton would he 
 me a day off t go t de city t see bout a 
 pup Mr. Paul was wantin t buy ; and de Duch 
 ess, she told Miss Fannie she wanted t chase 
 
 63 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 long wid me, so I wouldn t get in no trouble 
 dars what dat goil says and so we chases up 
 here t de city togedder* 
 
 44 When we gets t Fift avnoo and Forty- 
 second street I says t de Duchess, 4 Where s de 
 dentiss mug? I says, and she gives me de 
 laugh and says did I link she was goin t have 
 her toot fixed, and I says What t ell? I 
 says* 
 
 44 Dere was dat goil givin me one steer, and 
 givin Miss Fannie anodder steer, and dey was 
 bote crooked as a dog s hind leg, widout no use 
 of bein crooked* Say, ain t dem women queer 
 folks ? Dey s chim dandies I don t tink* 
 
 "Den I says t de Duchess dat I had t see 
 bout de bull pup anyway, what was in a stable 
 on Twenty-sevent street, and she says what 
 was de matter wid our floatin down de avnoo 
 and givin de town a treat, seein as how dey 
 didn t see much more of us nowdays dan dey do 
 de backs of dere necks* So we floated* 
 
 44 Say, next t de Bow ry I tink de avnoo s 
 de slickest ting in town* I was singin dat kind 
 of a song t de Duchess on one side of me, and 
 winkin t me friends on de boxes of de carriages 
 on de odder side of me, and feelin like a tree- 
 time winner wid no one t divvy wid, when all 
 of a suddint a mug runs into me and says, 
 4 Hello, Chimmie I he says* Lookin at your 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 brown-stone fronts ? says he* It was me friend 
 de barkeep, de mug what was at de ball where 
 me and de Duchess was, what I was tellin you 
 bout* Don t you remember ? I says * howdy 
 t him, and he say, Give us a knock down t 
 de lady, says he, bein perlite ; but I was tinkin 
 de Duchess would kick* Dat s where I didn t 
 know me business, cause de Duchess she fetch 
 es a bow dat near paralyzes de avnoo, and says 
 she has de honor* 
 
 44 Say, I must be a farmer, cause when de 
 Duchess gives me friend a invite t float down 
 de avnoo wid us I didn t tumble dat de Duchess 
 was up t no game* Well, we went t f de 
 stable, where I seen de owner of de bull pup, 
 and he s de biggest tief outter de Tombs, cause 
 he wouldn t take less dan de pup is wort ; and 
 den we floated long till we come clean down t 
 de end of de avnoo, where dere is dat big 
 marble mantel piece for Gen* Washington, what 
 discovered New York* Dat s right* Den it 
 was de Duchess says all of a suddint, like her 
 back hair was down and she d just found it out, 
 says she: Why, Chames, she says, how 
 funny/ like dat* See? And I says t her: 
 4 What t ell ? I says, cause I knowed she had 
 some game* Why, she says, lookin round 
 like she was wakin up, here wese is near de 
 restaurant of de White Pup* 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 44 Say, me friend de barkeep tumbled quick 
 er dan I did, cause he chipped in, quick : 4 Den 
 what s de matter, says he, 4 wid our goin over 
 dere t lunch ? he says* 
 
 44 1 tink it s always de mug what ain t de 
 lady s husband what tinks of tings like dat 
 sooner dan de mug dat is. Sure. 
 
 44 Den de Duchess says, smood as silk: 
 It s just as Chames says, says she, givin 
 me arm a pinch what near made me squeal. 
 
 "So we went over t Sout Fift avnoo, 
 t de White Pup, and soon as we got in de res 
 taurant a goil chases up t de Duchess and says : 
 Why, Hortense, she says, cause dat s de 
 Duchess s name, why, Hortense, I was fraid 
 you wasn t comin at all, she says. 
 
 "Den I knowd I d been a farmer, a dead 
 farmer, for I seen den dat de Duchess had de 
 game put up from de start, and she was just 
 down t de city for a racket* 
 
 44 Say, dem goils was terrors. Sure. When 
 de Duchess had knocked down me and me 
 friend de barkeep t de odder goil, who is a 
 lady s maid, like de Duchess, me friend de bar- 
 keep sets up de lunch like de real gent dat he is, 
 and den de goils says what s de matter wid 
 goin t de matinee at de vaudeville. De goils 
 was jollyin me friend de barkeep so dat he 
 wanted to order a carriage t go in ; but I says 
 
 66 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 dat de elevated is pretty good in muddy wedder, 
 cause you don t nave t turn up your pants in 
 de elevated, and dat s de way we went* 
 
 44 Say, I was goin t tell you bout dat Duch 
 ess near bein de deat of me* Lemme tell you 
 what she done: We got t de vaudeville and 
 dere was a nice lookin little mug standin near 
 de front door kinder lookin round like he d lost 
 someting, and de Duchess and de odder goil was 
 jabberin dat forn French talk when we was 
 goin by de mug up t de ticket office* De mug 
 looked hard at de Duchess, and den he waltzes 
 up t her and lifts his dicer and says : 4 Beg par 
 don, but is dis Madam Hortense ? 
 
 44 Say, honest, I was just goin t scrap wid 
 him, when de Duchess gives me de wink, quick, 
 and says, 4 Oui/ she says, * Oui/ and gives me a 
 nudge t look at a big bill what was posted up 
 on de boards by de side of de door, what said in 
 letters bout a mile high a whole lot of lingo 
 what was all bout Madam Hortense what was 
 goin to do a song and dance at dat vaudeville 
 teeater de next week* 
 
 44 Say, Fm givin it to you straight ; dat mug 
 he waltzes us in tru de door widout no tickets ; 
 waltzes us into a box, chases de waiter out 
 after wine, and near broke his neck sayin how 
 glad he was Madam Hortense had came, and 
 pretty soon chases himself out after de waiter, 
 
 67 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 what must had de springhalt, he was so slow 
 wid de fizz* 
 
 44 Den de Duchess tells us all, quick, f jolly 
 de game ; dat de little mug was de manager, 
 ana took her for a new star what had just came 
 from France, what she d read of; and dat we d 
 own de house in a minute if de real Hortense 
 didn t come and queer de game. 
 
 44 Say, you never seed nottin like it ! De 
 manager he come wid de waiter and wine, and 
 dudes came wid flowers ; de actors on top of de 
 stage, when dere pieces was tru, come and 
 shook hands, and de dudes orders wine; and 
 all de time de Duchess let on she couldn t say 
 a word of American, and I had t tell em what 
 she was sayin. I d died sure, only me friend 
 de barkeep and dat odder goil helps long de 
 jolly. De Duchess had more flowers dan she 
 could carry, and de whole gang had bout all de 
 wine dey could carry, when de manager got a 
 card what a waiter fetches him dat nearly par 
 alyzed him. He looked at de card, den he look 
 ed at de Duchess ; den he said, like de wind had 
 been knocked outter him : 4 Is dis lady s name 
 Hortense Fourette ? he says. 
 
 "Den I jumps up and says, Dis lady s 
 name, says 1, 4 is Hortense Fadden, I says. 
 
 44 Say, I taut for a minute dat mug was go- 
 in t have a fit* He looked at de Duchess, and 
 
 68 
 
The False Vaudeville Star. 
 
 he looked at de card, and den he gives me de 
 wink t come wid him out in de hall. When I 
 chases out wid him he says t me dere was a 
 mistake, and asks me who de Duchess was. 
 Den I says she s me wife, 4 Madam Hortense de 
 Chimmie Fadden, and what was de matter 
 wid dat? I says* He looks kinder sick, and 
 says dat if de owner knowed he d been blowin 
 off wine on de wrong star he d get it where de 
 giraffe got de sore troat in de neck* Den I 
 made a bluff bout bein too proud t bunco de 
 house on no confidence game, and said Fd tell 
 de owner all bout it. Holly gee ! says de 
 mug, don t do dat, he says, and slips me a 
 fiver, and I winks at him and he winks at me 
 and chases hisself off t see de real star. 
 
 44 Den I goes back in de box and flashes de 
 fiver at de Duchess. Say, do you know what 
 dat goil done ? She makes me friend de bar- 
 keep pack out all dose roses for de odder goil, 
 and when we was in de street she says, just as 
 soft as a kid, Chames, give me de fiver. Me 
 toot feels much better now, says she. We 
 must go back t de country, for de city s too 
 wicked for us. 
 
 "Say, she ain t so worse I don t tink. 
 See?" 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie, 
 
ONG time I don t see you. CHIMMIE 
 Well, we has been down to AND LITTLE 
 our place in de country all MISS 
 dis time, and was so busy do- FANNIE - 
 in nottin dat dere wasn t no 
 time t come chasin up t town, 
 cept dat his Whiskers took a 
 whirl into de city onc t in a week or so just t see 
 dat dere wasn t no roof bein put over Fift avnoo 
 t keep de sun from freckling de Willie boys. 
 
 44 Mr. Paul and Mr. Burton was off on 
 Mr. Paul s yacht, so I had t stay t home t 
 keep tings goin proper, and see dat everybody 
 in de county took all de notice dey could of 
 little Miss Fannie. Dat s Miss Fannie s kid, 
 and it s more fun dan a chowder party. Say, 
 dere ain t no one can make dat kid close its 
 face so sudden as me, cept Miss Fannie herself. 
 De odder day Miss Fannie drove over t de vil 
 lage, shoppin, takin de Duchess along wid 
 her, and left de kid wid de nurse, sayin dat 
 she d be back before de kid had any business t f 
 wake up, but if she did wake up den she was 
 not t be let t cry, cause dat would spoil its dis 
 position. Dat s de very word she used, 4 dispo 
 sition, which I tinks must be de boardin 
 
 73 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 school word for mout, as de kid s mout is de 
 only part of her what seems t be spoilin when 
 she cries* 
 
 "Well, I was out on de lawn tellin de 
 gardner how t cut de grass, and dat he said 
 was a big bluff, cause I never seen no grass only 
 what grows in City Hall Park till last year. We 
 was jollyin like dat when I hears little Miss Fan 
 nie set up a yell what dey must have heard on 
 de yachts out on de Sound* I went over t de 
 verandy where de kid was lyin on a pillow in 
 de hammock, and she had turned over on her 
 face and couldn t come right* De nurse was 
 off havin a small chat wid de butler, which 
 Til take a fall outter some old day, so I tinks 
 4 what t efl* I tinks, cause de Duchess had 
 told me never t take de kid up for fear of 
 breakin it* 
 
 44 Say, do you know what I done ? I says 
 t de kid, says I, 4 Little Miss Fannie, I says, 
 4 you is down, but not out, and is entitled t* de 
 benefit of de rule* See ? So I counted off ten 
 seconds, but de kid couldn t get up, and so den 
 I picks her up, and she looks at me like she was 
 sayin, Weft, Chames, you has some sense/ 
 but she was so mad at de nurse she kept right 
 on spoilin her disposition; bawlin like her 
 grip had got stranded in de cable and she 
 couldn t let go* 
 
 74 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 44 Say, I was more crazy, cause I was tinkin 
 bout what de Duchess had warned me, and I 
 didn t know but dat I d fetched someting loose 
 in de kid s kit, and it might go off its feed, and 
 den Miss Fannie would have a fit ; and only 
 dat de gardner was lookin at me and sayin, 
 I guess, Chames, you learned t be a nurse 
 where you learned to cut grass ; only for dat 
 I d trun little Miss Fannie in de hammock and 
 chased after de nurse* 
 
 44 So I says t de gardner, says 1 : 4 Where 
 I came from folks learns all sorts of tings, I 
 says, 4 even t not talkin too much, says I, and 
 I gives de kid a toss in me two arms, like dey 
 was a cradle, and I starts singin to it* Say, you 
 never heard me chant, did you? Well, dere 
 ain t many in it wid me on or off de Bowry 
 when it comes t singin* Why, de very min 
 ute I pipes up, little Miss Fannie shuts her face 
 and looks at me, sprised like, at first, and den 
 she starts t laughin as hard as his Whiskers 
 when he tells a story after his second bot* Dis 
 is de song I sung, and it goes wid any old Irish 
 tune: 
 
 Wan marnin early Oi arose 
 And Oi put on me workin close, 
 And phare in th wurruld d ye think Oi goes ? 
 Up! up! up! up! t* Wan Hoondred and Ninety-sixth 
 street 
 
 7$ 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 Dthe spheedway thrack dthey re buildin dthere, 
 But all us terriers live afar 
 From Cherry Hill, wid divil a car 
 Up! up! up! up! f Wan Hoondred and Ninety-sixth 
 street. 
 
 It s dthere ycz work wid pick and drill ; 
 And dthere wid work yez get yer fill ; 
 And dthere wid work yer toim yez fill 
 Up ! up ! up ! up ! t Wan Hoondred and Ninety-sixth 
 street. 
 
 Shure, whin our daily work is o er, 
 Bedad, our bones is tired and sore, 
 And we ll be glad to tramp no more 
 Up ! up ! up ! up ! t Wan Hoondred and Ninety-sixth 
 street. 
 
 44 Say, I made a hit dat time if I never did 
 before in me life. Little Miss Fannie wouldn t 
 let me stop till I d sung dat song near a million 
 times ; me walkin up and down de verandy wid 
 her all de time till I was so hot I had a tirst on 
 me like a man what had been runnin a lawn- 
 mower in de sun all day. I was just tinkin dat 
 me arms would drop off in anodder minute if de 
 kid didn t go t sleep, when she shut her eyes, 
 and dat minute Miss Fannie and de Duchess 
 drove into de gate. 
 
 "Say, I didn t know what t ell, cause I 
 didn t know how t put de kid back in de ham 
 mock, cause its head was where its feet was 
 before, and I couldn t turn it round, and of 
 76 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 course I coaldn t run out and hold de horse t like 
 I ought to, wid de kid in me arms* Not know- 
 in what else t do, I runs out t de cart, and, 
 handin de kid to Miss Fannie, who was near 
 paralyzed wid sprise, I says, Miss Fannie/ 
 says I, just take de kid easy so as not t wake 
 her, and Pll take de horse, I says, and den I 
 began again : 
 
 Up! up! up! up! t Wan Hoondred and Ninety-sixth 
 street* 
 
 44 De Duchess looked like she d take a fall 
 outter me de first chanst she d get, but Miss 
 Fannie jumped from de cart, and seein dat de 
 kid was sleepin as fine as a mud turtle she 
 laughed and says : 4 Why, Chames, says she, 
 takin little Miss Fannie, 4 you re de best nurse 
 dere is in de house, cept me* We was delayed 
 in de village, and it s past de hour for de baby s 
 dinner, and mostly nobody can t quiet her at 
 dose times cept me* Dat must be a very lullin 
 song you sung* " 
 
 44 4 Lullin, says I, you re straight; it 
 is a lulu* 
 
 "So dat night Miss Fannie told all de 
 folks at dinner what a lulu I was, and his 
 Whiskers, he says, Chames, says he, you 
 has done yourself so proud dat I tink you 
 is due on a day off, and to-morrow you can go 
 
 77 
 
Chimmie and Little Miss Fannie. 
 
 t de city and look at a bull pup I has me eye 
 on, he says* 
 
 44 Dafs de way I happens t be down here 
 t day* I m just goin t* look at dat bull pup* 
 Was I tellin you bout him ? " 
 
The Duchess Pkys Even, 
 
THE 
 
 RAPS, de Duchess will get 
 me turned down so hard one DUCHESS 
 of dese days I ll never get de PLAYS 
 wrinkles took outter me* Sure* EVEN - 
 Fd get dead sore on de Duch 
 ess if it wasn t dat she s de 
 boss jollier you ever seed, and 
 you can t keep mad wid her long* We is all 
 down at Mr* Burton s place in de country yet, 
 
 and I m up in de city to-day tendin to sendin 
 some tings down dere what dose fool servants 
 didn t pack up when we went down* I has t 
 do all dose tings now, de Duchess and me has 
 to, cause Miss Fannie won t let no one else do 
 em for her, and I guess dey d all starve t deat 
 and not have no close t wear if it wasn t for 
 me takin care of em, 
 
 "We went t de country just before de 
 lection cause his Whiskers and Mr* Burton 
 and Mr* Paul used t jaw and jaw so much 
 bout politics and bosses and Mugwuatfps and 
 dinky tings like dose dat Miss Fannie she just 
 bundled de whole gang off t de country, where 
 dey d have someting else t jaw bout and 
 couldn t vote* We is goin t stay over Tanks- 
 given Day, what s a day de President makes at 
 
 Si 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 Albany when folks don t have t make no ex 
 cuse for gettin a load* Dat s right* 
 
 44 well, as I was tellin you, we was all 
 down in de country de time when dey had de 
 horse show at de Madison Square Garden* 
 One day Miss Fannie tells me and de Duchess 
 t chase ourselves up t town t get some tings 
 from de house what she wanted, and de Duch 
 ess she gives me a wink and tells me t sneak 
 me dress suit along wid me what Mr* Burton 
 give me, and we d have some fun* 
 
 "What fell? I says to her* What s 
 your game ? I says, like dat* See ? 
 
 44 She tells me t saw wood and say nottin 
 till we was up in town ; so I says nottin, but 
 just sneaks me clawhammer wid us, and we 
 come away lookin as pious as a parson* 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink ? , Dat Duchess 
 had pinched de tickets t Miss Fannie s box at 
 de horse show* Sure ! I treatened t give her 
 a good lickin for it, but she just laughed and 
 says dat Miss Fannie and none of our folks was 
 goin t use de tickets, and what was de harm 
 of our usin dem so as t give de horse show 
 some style* 
 
 44 Say, what de you tinfc of dat goil ? She s 
 a angel I don t tinfc ! 
 
 44 Well, when we packed up de tings at de 
 house what was wanted, and went t de candy 
 82 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 shop and de flower store for some dude tings 
 Mr* Paul wanted for Miss Fannie it s always 
 Mr* Paul and not Mr* Burton what orders dose 
 dude tings for Miss Fannie, which I tink is queer 
 and wnich de Duchess doesn t well, when 
 we d done all our errants and had dinner, de 
 Duchess tells me t put on me harness, me claw 
 hammer, and she skipped t Miss Fannie s room* 
 
 " Say, dat goil would make a actor lady 
 out on top of de stage. Sure* You never seed 
 de like of her when she waltzes out of Miss 
 Fannie s room* I was paralyzed* I taut I was 
 off me base and dat it was Miss Fannie for a 
 minute* She was all made up in Miss Fannie s 
 close and hat and gloves and had dose dinky 
 glasses what you looks tru at de teeater, and 
 she was out of sight till she opened her mout t 
 talk, and den she was de Duchess, straight* 
 
 44 She looked me over, and den made me 
 part me hair in de middle and plaster it down 
 each side, and put on a collar dat was so high 
 it chucked me chin back so far I looked like I 
 was smellin someting bad, and den she said I 
 was oh fay/ what s dago for fit, and we 
 chases ourselves t de show* 
 
 "Before we chases ourselves I told de 
 Duchess dat she couldn t go till she swore dat 
 she wasn t up t no game what would queer 
 Miss Fannie* 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 44 Say, den she told me de greatest song 
 and dance you ever heard, what was so mixed 
 up dat I couldn t tumble to all of it, but de game 
 as near as I could get on was someting like dis: 
 Miss Fannie was in England wid his Whiskers 
 onct, which you has to go furder dan Sandy 
 Hook t get to, where she met a mug what you 
 has to say * Sir to before you says his name, 
 De Duchess knows all dis, cause she was wid 
 Miss Fannie, you see, and she knowed dat his 
 Whiskers had blowed off de mug at his house 
 here, and his club, when Miss Fannie was in 
 school, before dey went t England. But in 
 England de mug never blowed off his Whiskers, 
 but only just called on him and Miss Fannie 
 onct, for a minute, what s de way dose mugs do, 
 de Duchess says. 
 
 44 Say, dis is an awful long yarn and near 
 ly makes me crazy t remember it all. Tanks, 
 I wouldn t mind. Here s lookin at you. 
 
 44 Well, as I was tellin you, de mug comes 
 over t dis country again and chases himself up 
 to our house, and when he finds dat Miss Fan 
 nie is at de country place, what do you tink he 
 does ? He must be a real gent I don t tink* 
 He writes t Miss Fannie, and, holly gee ! he 
 makes a bluff dat he s waitin for t be invited t 
 de country place. Dat s straight, for de Duch 
 ess saw his letter after Miss Fannie trun it away. 
 84 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 De Duchess seed dat Miss Fannie was mad at 
 de mug s cheek, after de way he turned em 
 down in England, and so de Duchess she puts 
 up de job I m tellin you bout* 
 
 * Well, we goes t de horse show, and sits 
 in de box, and pretty soon de Duchess seed de 
 very mug we was layin for walkin along lookin 
 at a paper where was printed de names of de 
 folks what owned boxes, and den lookin at de 
 folks in de box. When he seed us he looks at 
 his paper, and den at us again, and den he hoists 
 his dicer, and de Duchess she bowed, and I 
 hoists me dicer and I bows, and de mug chases 
 up to our box* 
 
 "De Duchess she whispers t me t do 
 most of de gabbing, for, says she, He ll tink 
 your Bowery patwah is Yankee brogue/ 
 
 44 Dem s her very langwudge, 4 Me Bowery 
 patwah ! : I d like t know what t ell, dat s 
 what I d like t know* 
 
 44 1 didn t have no time t give her a roast, 
 for de mug comes into de box Tike he owned it 
 and begins tellin de Duchess dat he heered of 
 her marriage, tinkin she was Miss Fannie, see ? 
 and turns to me and says, 4 Mr* Burton, I spose, 
 and de Duchess nearly stamps me foot off t 
 keep me mout shut* 
 
 "Say, I never fcnowed de Duchess was 
 such a dead game sport* De mug never called 
 
 85 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 her down onct, cause stid of talkin she just most 
 ly smiled and answered wid her shoulders and 
 hands and eyes, like dose French forners can, 
 and only spoke de few American words what 
 she can speak like me* 
 
 "I chipped in whenever de Duchess give 
 me de wink, but it was a hard game, and I was 
 glad when de Duchess said we must go* 
 
 44 De mug says he d see us to our carriage, 
 and I says dat de carriages was in de country, 
 and we d walk home* Den he says could he 
 walk along ? And when we was opposite Del s 
 he says what s de matter wid a glass of wine 
 and a little supper ? Say, I never taut de Duch 
 ess would run de bluff dat far ; but she was out 
 for blood, and her eyes was just dancin wid de 
 fun she was havin wid de mug* 
 
 44 Well, we went into Del s and de mug ast 
 de Duchess wouldn t she order* Would she ! 
 holly gee ! Say, you d died t hear her rattle off 
 de order t de waiter what understood her forn 
 langwudge* I guess de mug didn t understand, 
 cause he looked easy until de waiter began 
 bringin on de wine and grub and den he near 
 fell in a fit* I don t tink dere was much left in 
 de pantry nor de wine cellar when dey d brought 
 de Duchess s order* Sure* 
 
 44 1 tink de mug began t tumble before we d 
 finished dat supper, for de Duchess began talkin 
 
 86 
 
The Duchess Plays Even. 
 
 as fast as a quarter-horse after she d tackled de 
 second cold bot* He began t look at bote of 
 us a little queer, and den he ast, eyin de Duch 
 ess pretty hard, when was he expected up t de 
 country place* De Duchess looked at him hard 
 er dan he looked at her, and den she made her 
 eyes bigger dan silver dollars, and says, like 
 she was paralyzed wid sprise, says she, Who 
 do you take us for ? 
 
 44 For Mr* and Mrs* Burton/ says de mug, 
 kinder wite round de gills* 
 
 44 Den de Duchess give me de wink to trow 
 him down, and I says, says I, like I was a actor* 
 I says : What t ell ! I says* Dis is Mrs* 
 Burton s maid, and I m Mr* Burton s man* 
 See ? I says like dat, 4 See ? says I* 
 
 44 Say, I don t tink he did see, for he shut 
 his eyes like he was knocked out, while de folks 
 at de odder table near died laughin, lots of dem 
 bein swell mugs what fcnowed us by sight, and 
 bein onto our game from de start* Den we 
 chased ourselves, haughty like, while de gilly 
 we d done was hypotized." 
 
Mr, Paul and a Wily Widow, 
 
OLLY gee! Mr. Paul will be de MR 
 deat of me one of dese old AND A 
 days, unless I die before me WILY 
 time; and if his Whiskers ever WIDOW 
 gets on t de games Mr. Paul 
 is always puttin up, den his 
 Whiskers will be de deat of 
 
 Mr* Paul, and dat would do de wine trade no 
 good. 
 
 "Listen till I tell you: We had what dey 
 calls a fancy-dress bal mask out to our country 
 house de odder day, what all de swell mugs 
 what has country houses round dere for miles 
 comes to; and we had a house party de same 
 time, what s a party what lasts a week, and 
 don t last no longer, cause if it did it would be 
 a scrappin party ; all cept Mr. Paul, who never 
 don t quarrel wid nobody. See ? 
 
 44 Well, in de house party dere was a widdy 
 what ain t got a cent, only she s a corker for 
 good looks, and has a last name wid two parts 
 to it and a full stop in de middle of it, and some- 
 ting dey calls a peddy gree a mile long, dough 
 I never seed it, unless it s what she fixes onto 
 her dress and drags after her when dey goes in 
 t dinner. 
 
 91 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 "Say, I always taut dat widdys was old* 
 Dey is down where I lives, and has rhumatiz, 
 and never has no fun ; but dis widdy don t trot 
 in dat class* Why, dis one ain t much older 
 dan de Duchess, who ain t much older dan me, 
 and she ain t got no rhumatiz, for she s livelier 
 on her pins dan a cable car goin round Union 
 Square* Everybody says dat she ain t got a 
 penny, but dat don t mean de same ting in de 
 purlieus say, dat s a winner, dat * purlieus* 
 Do you cop it ? it don t mean de same ting in 
 de purlieus of de airstockracy as it do in de 
 Fort ward* Say, I m dead on t dat* Listen : 
 De odder day I was comin in t town for some 
 errants for Miss Fannie, when de widdy cops 
 me, and she says t Miss Fannie, says she, 
 4 Fannie, dear, she says, can your man do 
 a errant or two for me ? says she* 
 
 " Cert nly, me dear, says Miss Fannie, 
 and de widdy, she says, * Me man, says she, 
 giving me a paper, just stop in t dose places 
 and leave dose orders* Here s me purse* If it 
 hasn t enough in it, just have some of em 
 charged* Say, she started t hand me her wad, 
 and it was a lulu ; but it had a string on it, for 
 she pulls it back and says t Miss Fannie, 4 No, 
 me dear ; you know I hasn t a cent in de woeld, 
 and I must practise economy* Your man can 
 have em all charged* 
 92 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink of her ? 
 
 44 Dose tings I orders for her was flowers 
 and candy ana bunnets and dinky stuff in de 
 dry-goods store, and golf sticks and gloves and 
 I don t know what t ell, and I never put up a 
 bean ; never showed de color of de long green 
 onct* But de clerks gives me de glad hand like 
 Fd trun boodle all over de stores* 
 
 44 1 wisht some of dose widdys down where 
 I usty live had a dead easy graft like dak 
 
 44 Well, I was goin t ten you bout de fancy- 
 dress party I was de fanciest dressed party dere 
 dat night* Before it comes along his Whiskers 
 was gettin t be a regular steady for de widdy, 
 and she was givin him de greatest jolly I ever 
 piped in me life* 
 
 44 Say, Miss Fannie was dead sore on de 
 game between his Whiskers and de widdy* I 
 copped dat she was before de Duchess tells me* 
 Dere ain t nottin much dat bodders Miss Fannie 
 dat I ain t on to before any one else is, cause I d 
 radder run up against it meself, even if it was a 
 trolley car, dan t have Miss Fannie sore a little 
 bit about anyting* Dat s right* She always 
 done me right* 
 
 "Well, de Duchess she tells me dat de 
 widdy was really stuck on Mr* Paul, but she 
 seed she couldn t work no graft dere, so she 
 was makin a slick play t land his Whiskers, 
 
 93 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 and Miss Fanny was dead leary dat de widdy 
 would win out* De game couldn t suit de 
 widdy better if it was a lead-pipe cinch* 
 
 "Den I says t de Duchess, I says, What 
 t ell ! I says, and she says so, too, only in dat 
 forn langwudge she spouts when she s tinkin 
 hard tinks* But we couldn t rig a job t queer 
 de widdy s game, dough I said What t ell 
 fifty times* I taut I d have t set de bull pup on 
 her and do her, cause de pup would die happy 
 if he had one round wid de widdy s ankles* 
 She kicks de pup every chanst she gets* 
 
 " De Duchess said dat wouldn t go, cause 
 if de pup done de widdy de pup would have t 
 go, and dat would break little Miss Fannie s 
 heart, what s dead chummy wid de pup* See ? 
 
 44 Say, we was near crazy for fear dat de 
 widdy would win out in a walk, till Mr* Paul, 
 de night before de party, calls me and de Duch 
 ess in t his rooms, and he says, like he wasn t 
 tinkin much about nottin, " Duchess/ he says, 
 did you ever see dese close before? and he 
 held up a dinky suit of close like what Dagos 
 wears in Mexico, wid a big sash, and a dicer 
 wid a brim on it bigger dan what women wears 
 t de teeater when dey sits in front of you* 
 
 44 4 Sure, says de Duchess* 4 Sure dose is 
 de close you wored at de bal mask last mont/ 
 she says* 
 
 94 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 " Do you link his Whiskers would re 
 member de close ? he ast* 
 
 "De Duchess says his Whiskers would 
 sure cop em, cause she heard his Whiskers 
 talkin bout how swell Mr* Paul looked in de 
 close* 
 
 44 4 Den you take dese, says Mr* Paul t me, 
 4 and put em on t morry night and come t my 
 rooms/ Den he asts de Duchess if she knowed 
 what de widdy is t wear, and of course de 
 Duchess was dead on, for dat s her business t 
 know such tings* 
 
 444 Could you get yourself up like her? 
 says Mr* Paul* 
 
 De Duchess she begins t tumble, and 
 she says, near havin a fit wid de fun, dat 
 she could make herself a dead ringer for de 
 widdy if she had two hours in de Broadway 
 shops de next day, and Mr* Paul said she could 
 go t town if she ast Miss Fannie, and he gives 
 de Duchess a wad de size of a house t shop 
 wid* 
 
 "Well, say, de next evenin me and de 
 Duchess, all rigged out in our monkey close, 
 chases ourselves t Mr* Paul s room, and Mr* 
 Paul says dat we looks such dead ringers for 
 him and de widdy dat he d have to open a 
 small bottle or else he d tinfc he was seein 
 double* 
 
 95 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 " You re all right, Duchess/ said Mr, 
 Paul; cept dat you must wear dis ribbon in 
 your hair/ and he gives her a piece of ribbon 
 like de color of a house afire* 
 
 44 4 Now, you two/ he says, 4 at JO o clock 
 chases yourself t de conservatory and stay dere 
 till you cops his Whiskers; and when you cops 
 him pretend not t cop him, but just get tick as 
 two tieves and spoon a little, but not too much* 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink of him ? I wasn t 
 dead on till de Duchess gives me a pointer* 
 She tells me dat de ribbon Mr. Paul had give t 
 string t her hair was de same as de widdy had 
 borryed from Miss Fannie dat very day, and 
 de Duchess put me on dat de ribbon was de 
 ting dat his Whiskers was t know de widdy 
 by, cause all de folkses was t wear masks over 
 dere mugs till de supper* See? Do you cop? 
 
 "Say, we hadn t been dere, me and de 
 Duchess, in de conservtory more dan a minute 
 before I cops his Whiskers come waltzin in 
 like a two-year-old* He was in his right uose, 
 cause he and Mr* Burton had been givin de 
 folks de glad hand when dey corned t de 
 house* 
 
 "De Duchess was standin so as a light 
 shined plumb on dat ribbon* and I was standin 
 wid me Dago dicer drawed over me mug like, 
 wid me shoulders kinder slimpsy, like Mr* Paul 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow. 
 
 stands. All of a suddent his Whiskers cops us, 
 and, say, honest, I near quitted de game, cause 
 I seed outter de corner of me eye dat his 
 Whiskers had been jolted hard* 
 
 44 But I fcnowed Mr. Paul had laid out de 
 game for Miss Fannie s sake, and so I lifted de 
 Duchess s mug, and, pretendin not t cop his 
 Whiskers, I smacks her wid a kiss square on 
 de mout. 
 
 "Say, his Whiskers staggered so dat he 
 near loses his base, and he chases from de place 
 like he d seen a ghost. 
 
 44 Den we sneaks upstairs and puts on our 
 right close, and shows ourselves wid de odder 
 help what was servin tings where his Whiskers 
 could see us. 
 
 44 Say, what do you tink Mr. Paul had 
 done ? He d hitched on t de widdy so sweet 
 dat she taut she had him landed, and dat made 
 her break her date wid his Whiskers in de 
 conservatory, and den as soon as his Whiskers 
 comes out from dere Mr. Paul goes up t him 
 so as his Whiskers could see he wasn t rigged 
 up like a Mexican Dago. See ? All de rest of 
 de night his Whiskers was kinder snookin 
 round like a Headquarters detective, lookin for 
 de mug wid de Mexican Dago close, but he 
 never copped him no more, and he looked like 
 he was sayin 4 What t ell all de time. 
 
 97 
 
Mr. Paul and a Wily Widow 
 
 u De next mornin he chases himself t town 
 before de widely was up, and he never corned 
 back till de widdy went, and Mr* Paul he 
 chases himself, and he never corned back till de 
 widdy went, and den it was de widdy what 
 looked like she was sayin What t ell/ 
 
 44 1 never tumbled t wedder Miss Fannie 
 was on t* de game or not, but after de widdy 
 chases herself Miss Fannie gives de Duchess a 
 swell dress and says, Hortense, dis ribbon 
 matches dat dress/ and it was de ribbon what 
 de Duchess and de widdy wored de night of de 
 party. 
 
 Chimmie/ says de Duchess t me, 4 wid 
 a French maid and a Bowry boy and Mr. 
 Paul t 9 manage em de game can t be beat. 
 Nest pa? 
 
 " Not in a tousand years, Duchess/ I 
 says. See ? n 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale* 
 
NOW our little Miss Fannie MISS 
 what s Miss Fannie s girl kid? FANNIE S 
 Well, say, she s a wonder. MUSIC 
 She s just beginin t walk and GALE - 
 Mr. Paul is trainin her for a 
 six-day match, and she goes 
 sailin acrost de parlor when her 
 nurse fetches her t show off t Mr. Paul, like 
 she had bote wings and skates ; and when she goes 
 bang ! on her mug she never peeps, but only 
 looks kinder wuzzy till she gets her breat again, 
 cause Mr. Paul he learnt her dat it s fun t get 
 hurted, so as she wouldn t holler. 
 
 44 Dat was de little game he put up, so as 
 he could see more of de kid what he is cranky 
 about, see ? When he first uster learnt her t 
 walk she d yell murder when she d jolt her 
 conk. Eh? Don t you cop dat: jolt her 
 conk? Why, dat s bump her head. Sure. 
 Say, you otter hire somebody t learn you 
 right English. 
 
 "well, as I was tellin you, when little 
 Miss Fannie would jolt her conk she d yell 
 murder, and her mudder and her nurse and her 
 granfadder <;r*d de Duchess and me nibs and de 
 whole gang would chase ourselves t see what 
 
 101 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 t ell* Den Miss Fannie she d take de kid, and 
 fuss, and fetch it away, and Mr* Paul would 
 look like he d upset a small bot down a lady s 
 neck, and Miss Fannie wouldn t let him have 
 de kid no more for a week* 
 
 44 Den he played a great tinkin part, and he 
 says t me one day when we was down town 
 togedder lookin for a bull pup was I tellin you 
 bout dat bull pup ? what he was wantin t buy 
 for little Miss Fannie, he says, 4 Chimmie, says 
 he, Chimmie, dis woeld is a vale of tears, 
 says he, and dose is his very langwudge, 4 dis 
 woeld is a vale of tears just because mudders 
 makes it so* 
 
 44 Den I says, What t ell, I says, like dat ; 
 not bein on t what he was coppin me, What 
 t ell* See? 
 
 44 4 Zactly, he says, 4 dat s de very point I 
 was goin t give to you. What t ellis de 
 use, he says, of learnin a kid t cry when it s 
 hurted ? If a kid is learnt t laugh stid of t cry 
 de gaiety of nations dose is his very words, 
 de dude words what Mr* Paul uses when he 
 don t mean nottin 4 de gaiety of nations will be 
 enriched by all which now is pain, says he* 
 
 44 Of course a mug can t mean nottin when 
 he makes a song and dance like dose lang 
 wudge, so I just says, What t ell, so as t be 
 sociable, and he goes on stringin me, like he 
 
 102 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 can, and he says he s goin t practise on little 
 Miss Fannie t prove dat a kid gets just as much 
 satisfaction outter a laugh as outter a cry* 
 
 "Say, he done it* Dat s right* De next 
 time he got little Miss Fannie she near cracked 
 her conk gainst a chair, and Mr* Paul he be 
 gins t laugh like he d have a fit, and he grabs 
 up little Miss Fannie what hadn t got her breat 
 yet, and he laughs and says how funny it was, 
 and, when she got over lookin wuzzy wid de 
 jolt, she begins t laugh; but she s lookin kinder 
 like she dion t know what t ell, all de same, and 
 from dat time de kid never hollered murder onct 
 when she was hurted, cause she tinks it s de 
 right game t give de laugh* See ? 
 
 " But listen till I tell you ; dat wasn t what 
 I was goin t give you a song and dance bout* 
 Only when I gets talkin of little Miss Fannie I 
 never don t know when t stop* You otter see 
 her wid de bull pup* Say, you d die if you d 
 see de heavenly look on dat bull pup s mug 
 when little Miss Fannie gets him by bote ears 
 and bangs his conk on de floor* You d tink 
 everyting had come his way since he was 
 borned* But I ll tell you bout dat some odder 
 day* 
 
 44 What I was goin t tell you bout was de 
 music gale we had up to our house* I don t 
 know just what t ell a music gale is, cept dat it s 
 
 103 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 when a lot of swell mugs what can t make 
 music has a gale in makin a front dat dey is 
 makin music, and dat makes it a music gale, I 
 spose* 
 
 44 Dis one was for de benefit of de hospital 
 where dere is kids wid crooked legs and backs, 
 what Miss Fannie tends to, and every one 
 what got a invite had t* pungle five plunks* 
 
 14 Well, say, it was de dinkiest music you 
 ever heard, cept when Miss Fannie played on 
 de harp, and dat was a peach* Sure* After dat, 
 after she had played, tings was goin worse dan 
 a cable car wid a broke grip ; it was what de 
 Duchess called a sucsay de steam, in her forn 
 langwudge, and Mr* Paul, what was de mana 
 ger, was havin a fit, and de Duchess and me, 
 what was behind de curtain wid him, was 
 havin a fit along wid tinkin dat Miss Fannie 
 would be broke up, when all of a suddent Mr* 
 Paul says t me, he says, 4 Chimmie, says he, 
 4 Chimmie, would you do someting t make Miss 
 Fannie s music gale a howlin success ? he 
 says* 
 
 " 4 Sure, I says, 4 I ll stand on me head or 
 box tree rounds wid de butler, says I, hopin it 
 would be de butler, for I was dyin t do him, 
 along wid him tryin t* get gay wid de Duchess* 
 4 Sure, I says* 
 
 "Den Mr* Paul says, Td like de scrap wid 
 104 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 de butler most meself, but dis bein a mixed 
 audence wid ladies perdomeratin which is de 
 first time I ever heard Mr* Paul backcap de 
 ladies 4 wid ladies perdomeratin, I wants you t 9 
 sing dat song I heard you singin t de Duchess* 
 
 44 Say, I taut he was givin me de dinky- 
 dink* Dat s a song I made up de words for 
 meself, and I sings em to a tune his Whiskers 
 plays on de flute* Yes, he plays de flute while 
 Miss Fannie plays de harp, and it s better dan 
 a orchestran* He plays a song what Miss 
 Fannie sings for him, bout 4 Sweet is de vale 
 where de Mohawk gently glides* Did you 
 ever hear it ? Well, I makes up some words 
 just t jolly de servants wid, and Mr* Paul he 
 heard me singin it; but when he tells me t sing 
 it in front of all dose swell mugs I taut Pd trow 
 a fit right dere* De Duchess she says I could 
 sing outter sight of de willie-boy what had sung 
 a song a little before what put all de folks t 
 sleep* So I says, 4 Anyting t* make Miss Fan 
 nie s music gale a corker/ and Mr* Paul he steps 
 in front of de curtain and de folks all gives him 
 a great jolly, cause dey knowed dat he had 
 someting t f string em wid* 
 
 44 Say, you should heard de game he gives 
 em* He says he has engaged, at de expense of 
 great boodle, a vody ville artis of great renown 
 from de principal teeaters of Great Britain and 
 
 105 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 London, what would introduce, in character 
 dose was his words, in character 4 a new song 
 writ for de occasion by dat Bowery boy, 
 Chames Fadden* 
 
 44 1 was peepin tru de curtain, and I seed 
 Miss Fannie and his Whiskers and Mr* Burton 
 look at each odder like dey didn t know what 
 t ell ; but Mr* Paul he looked as solemn as if 
 dere wasn t a nodder small bot on eart* 
 
 "Den de curtain was histed, and I goes 
 out feelin like I was in a pip^ dream, and I sings 
 de song* Dis is de way it starts : 
 
 "On de banks of de Bronx where me summer goil 
 
 hangs out, 
 
 She s a doisy* and just seventeen ; 
 Oi chases meself when me dot s work is done, 
 And I fishes for clams in de stream* 
 
 44 Say, I was a peach* De folks dey howled 
 like dey d all picked a winnin long shot, and de 
 more dey howled dc more Bowry I got, till 
 pretty soon I taut I was just singin for de gang 
 at de meetin of de Roseleaf Social, Outin, and 
 Life-Savin Club* 
 
 "Say, I killed em dead* Dey made me 
 sing it over till I was dat tirsty I taut I must be 
 Mr* Paul, and when I couldn t peep anudder 
 peep Mr* Paul hauled down de curtain, and 
 Fannie corned around behind dere and 
 
 106 
 
Miss Fannie s Music Gale. 
 
 says, Chames, * says she, laughin, Chames, 
 you lifted de gloom from de whole music gale* 
 
 44 1 was feelin like I was in it den, and Mr* 
 Paul he drags his jeans for a fiver and gives it 
 t* me ; but de Ducness she collars it, sayin dat I 
 might take cold in me troat wid so much long 
 green about me* 
 
 44 De Duchess is a good goil, but I wisht 
 when I has boodle t burn she d lose her mind 
 long enough for me t start a fire* See ? " 
 
 107 
 
Degeneracy of his Whiskers* 
 
AS we at de fight? We was 
 dere wid bote feet; me and 
 Mr* Paul and his Whiskers 
 and who do you tink? dat 
 sporty boy from Boston* 
 
 "Well, I went t dat 
 place, Jacksonville, Floridy, 
 ahead of Mr. Paul, and he told me not t sign 
 me name as his servant, but just de same as all 
 de odder mugs dere , as a real gent. Mr. Paul 
 he says t me, says he, 4 Chames, he says, * I 
 shall require de estimable vantage/ says he, 
 usin dem dude lanwudge what he says when 
 he looks solemn and jollies, * I shall require de 
 estimable vantage of your company when I 
 takes a small bottle of wine, which is necessary 
 t revert de malaria; cause/ says he, 4 cause, 
 Chames, it is not well for a man t* drink alone ; 
 and from de names I seen in de papers of mugs 
 what is goin t de fight, I should judge dat me and 
 you is likely t be de only real gents dere/ says he. 
 So I chases meself down dere, what you ride 
 tru a million miles of swamp t* get dere, and I 
 writes me name on de book of de Hotel Saint 
 Chames, what s named de same as me, cept dat 
 it ain t no Fadden and I ain t no saint yet* 
 
 DEGENERACV 
 OF HIS 
 WHISKERS. 
 
 Ill 
 
Degeneracy of His Whiskers. 
 
 "Well, after eatin me dinner, what dey 
 has in de middle of de day down dere cause it 
 takes so long t digest it, Mr* Paul says I goes 
 out on de verandy t* smoke me cigarette, when 
 long comes me friend de barkeep* All de gang 
 was makin a dead break for me friend cause 
 he d seen bote de fighters, and he s de best judge 
 of wedder a scrapper is fit dat dere is, on or off 
 de Bowry* He was pretendin t be mighty 
 leary bout sayin nottin, but all de same was tip- 
 pin off Mitchell for a winner* When he sees 
 me he gives me de wink f keep still, and after 
 a while, when he gets a chanst, he gives it t 
 me straight dat Mitch would have t fight wid 
 a axe to do Corbett* He was tippin Mitchell 
 just t get some bettin started, and dat night we 
 went t de poolroom t see how de game lay* 
 
 44 1 had a wad what Mr* Paul staked me 
 wid t bet for him, and me friend de barkeep 
 had money t burn a wet dog wid, what his 
 friends on de Bowry had give him to bet* 
 
 44 Say, de very first pool I bought on Cor 
 bett I heard his Whiskers take de odder end of it 
 on Mitchell, and den I nearly had a fit when me 
 friend bought a Corbett pool t hear de voice of 
 his Whiskers friend, de sporty boy from Bos 
 ton, take de Mitchell end of dat bet* Me friend 
 seen em dere, and he laughs and told me dat 
 dey was two geezers he had given de Mitchell 
 
 112 
 
Degeneracy of His Whiskers. 
 
 tip to dat afternoon* What fell/ I says, 
 4 oafs Miss Fannie s fadder and his friend, I 
 says. 4 Dey don t get no trowdown here, says 
 I. Sure, says me friend, any friend of my 
 friend, not on your life ! 
 
 44 Say, I pushes me way over t where his 
 Whiskers and de sporty Boston boy was, and 
 holly gee! dere dey stood wid dere mouts 
 open, dere coats open, and dere jackets open ; 
 dead marks for crooks t touch* 
 
 44 1 didn t tink of me manners when I seen 
 what sillies dey was, and I just whispers t his 
 Whiskers, I says, 4 If you ain t got no furder use 
 for your watch and chain, and your wad/ says I, 
 4 you might give em t me, cause Pm a orphan/ 
 
 44 Say, his Whiskers turned red, and tried 
 t run a bluff bout bein fended, and says for me 
 t mind me business, and not be pertinent. Den 
 I happens t look at his scarf, and de sporty 
 boy s scarf, and I says, 4 Scuse me, sir, but you 
 forgot t wear your scarfpins dis evenin Pm 
 tinkin/ 
 
 "Den dey bote claps dere hands t dere 
 scarfs, and looks scared and foolish, for dey d 
 bote been touched. See ? 
 
 44 His Whiskers didn t put on no more airs 
 den, needer did de sporty boy; and when I tells 
 em t chase dereselves outside and button up dere 
 coats, dey chases dereselves. I folleyed em out 
 
 113 
 
Degeneracy of His Whiskers. 
 
 and told em dat if dey*d go t* dere hotel Yd do 
 dere bettin for em* Say, de sporty boy laughs 
 at dat and says, 4 Dis is Mr. Burton s young 
 man, if I remember, says he* I told him he 
 was dead on, and he says dat I * seemed t be 
 a young person of much strent of mind and 
 purity of heart, usin words like dose Boston 
 folks talks, what don t mean nottin* 
 
 44 1 told him dat anyhow I wasn t no farmer, 
 and de best ting dey could do was t go t dere 
 hotel, leave dere stuff in de safe, and play pool. 
 
 44 Wid dat his Whiskers says t his friend 
 someting bout de wisdom what comes out of de 
 mouts of kids, and I bundles em in a hack and 
 sends em off home* 
 
 44 Well, de next day Mr* Paul comes, and 
 when I tells him bout his Whiskers and de 
 sporty Boston boy, he says dat dere ain t no 
 gilly like a old gilly; but as his Whiskers was 
 Miss Fannie s fadder, he would help me take care 
 of em* Den he says serious : 4 Chames, he 
 says, Chames, I wonder couldn t we put chains 
 round em like dey do dose chameleons, and 
 fasten em up ? 
 
 44 Say, did you ever see one of dose chame 
 leons? Bey s de dinkiest little beasts what 
 lives ; kinder little snakes wid legs what changes 
 dere color widout changin dere skin* Dat s 
 right* It s a great act, sure* I fetches one 
 
 "4 
 
Degeneracy of His Whiskers. 
 
 t* de Duchess and scared her so dat she made 
 me give up all de money I win on de fight* It 
 would take a bigger beast dan a chameleon t 
 make de Duchess forget t make me cough up 
 when I has any spare boodle* 
 
 "Well, seein as how we was all dere, 
 Mr. Paul told me t get four seats t de fight all 
 togedder, for fear dat if we d let de old boys go 
 alone dey d get lost in de shuffle* Say* when 
 we got dere de old boys began tellin bout how 
 dey*d hedged on dere bets* and showed dere 
 pool tickets ; and what do you tink ? De way 
 dey*d hedged made em stand t lose no matter 
 who win de fight* Dat Boston must be a great 
 farmin country* 
 
 44 When we first got dere de old boys was 
 singin a great song and dance bout only wantin 
 t see a sientific glove contest* and said dat dey*d 
 leave de rena if dere was any sloggin or blood* 
 Well* in de second round, when Chim began 
 pastin Charley all over de ring, I taut de geezers 
 would make a sneak, but not on your life* 
 Dere was his Whiskers and de sporty Boston 
 boy standin on dere seats, wavin dere dicers 
 and yellin for Chim t knock de head offen de 
 Englishman, and Mr* Paul and me couldn t 
 drag em down dough we nearly pulled dere 
 coat-tails off* In de last round, when de blood 
 was flyin and de old boys was splittin dere 
 
 "5 
 
Degeneracy of His Whiskers. 
 
 treats wid cheerin, Mr, Paul who stood t* win 
 big money, was cool as a small bottle, and 
 whispers t me, he says : 4 It s touchin, Chames, 
 says he, 4 it s touchin t see how pleased de old 
 gent is, dat dis is a bloodless and sientific 
 glove contest, 
 
 44 Den he gives me de wink and asks did I 
 remember t order some small bottles on ice t 
 be ready when we gets t de hotel, 
 
 44 Well, dat nignt, when it was all over, his 
 Whiskers comes t me and says dat as he was 
 dere by accident, bein on his way t Saint 
 Augustine wid his Boston friend, whose healt 
 was poor, dat dere was no use in me sayin 
 anyting t Miss Fannie bout seein him dere, 
 
 44 1 says sure, and he gives me his winnin 
 pool tickets t cash, which de Duchess collared, 
 wid me odder stuff, 
 
 44 When we gets home, Miss Fannie says 
 t me, 4 Chames, she says, 4 was it Mr, Paul or 
 me fadder what sent dat big box of oranges t 
 me from Floridy ? says she. So I says, 4 How 
 could it be your fadder, Miss Fannie, when he 
 was in Saint Augustine wid a sick friend ? I says, 
 
 "But it wasn t Mr, Paul what sent her 
 dose oranges, nor her fadder, needer, but I 
 didn t tell her who it was, cause she might tink 
 I was gettin above me place, sendin her a 
 present, " 
 116 
 
As to Sans-Gene* 
 
O, Mr. Paul ain t so worse. He AS TO 
 started out on me de odder day SANS-GENE, 
 like I taut I was stacked up 
 against trouble, but tings was 
 comin my way, and I wasn t 
 onto it a little bit. Him and 
 Mr. Burton was down t de 
 
 stables loofcin at some new wheels what had 
 just been fetched in from de city when I chases 
 across em, me bein out dere t see if de coach 
 man s kid had a scrap in him. I hadn t done 
 nottin but wheel for so long I taut a scrap would 
 do me healt no harm. 
 
 44 When he pipes me off Mr. Paul calls me 
 up and says, Chames, he says, 4 1 wishes t 
 propound a question in relative philology. 
 
 44 Say, may I never have anodder scrap if 
 dem wasn t de very lanwudge he gives me. 
 Did you never hear de like ? 1 taut not. Dere 
 ain t nottin like it outside de lawyers in de 
 Tombs. 
 
 44 1 was dead leary of a stringin, so I just 
 touches me for d and says, 4 Yes, sir, waitin 
 for balls while I got onto his curves. 
 
 44 4 Chames, he says, Mere is a play runnin 
 in town wid de name of "Sans-gene, " he says, 
 
 119 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 and I have just bet Mr* Burton what you calls 
 a fiver dat you will give us de best translation 
 of dat name, "Sans-gene," he ever heard* 
 Now, what does dat mean in English ? 
 
 " What t ell ! I says, tinkin he was givin 
 me de dinky-dink on me lanwudge; but Mr* 
 Paul, as sober as a bull pup, turns t Mr* Bur 
 ton and says : You ve lost, old man, he says* 
 
 "Mr* Burton taut a while, and den he 
 laughs and says, Yes, I should say dat is de 
 most sensible translation of de term I ever heard 
 Sans-gene : What t ell* 
 
 " Now did you ever hear such crazy talk 
 in all your life ? As I was tellin you, I taut Pd 
 stacked up against trouble, but what do you 
 tink? Mr* Burton scraped his close for a green 
 five, and Mr* Paul he just coughed it up t me, 
 sayin, 4 Chames, you win de pot* 
 
 " Say, Mr* Paul ain t so worse, is he ? 
 
 " I m de only farmer in de game* I had t 
 go and ask de Duchess what was dat Sans-gene 
 dey was trowin at me, and I was such a gilly 
 I queered me own cinch by givin away about 
 de fiver, and de Duchess didn t do a ting but 
 drag me jeans till she collared de roll* De 
 Duchess ain t so worse if you is lookin for a 
 banker* 
 
 " But dat ain t what I m loofcin for; what 
 Pm out for wid a dark lantern and a reward, is 
 
 120 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 where dey gives dope like de Keeley cure, only 
 for de wheel habit stid of for booze* 
 
 "Dere ain t one of us what ain t got it; 
 from his Whiskers t de Duchess dey is all 
 bicycle daffy* Why, Mr* Paul has sent t have 
 a wheel made for little Miss Fannie, what is 
 only just learnin t twiddle her pins fit* 
 
 " His Whiskers was de first one t get de 
 habit* First dey all gives him de laugh, but 
 when dey found out dat Fd learned on his 
 wheel Mr* Burton said he d take a lesson from 
 me, and in two days dere was tree more wheels 
 down dere : one for Mr* Burton, one for Miss 
 Fannie, and one for me, cause I was t be de 
 professor* 
 
 44 Well, I teached Mr* Burton and teached 
 Miss Fannie say, she can ride like a bird 
 and den dose two, wid his Whiskers, would be 
 goin off so much, Mr* -Paul, he got one down 
 t his place, what s next t ours, and he learned, 
 so dat he wouldn t be left by his lonely, and 
 den I chases off so much, de Duchess she had t 
 have a wheel and, holy gee! before we was 
 tru if de barfceep didn t send one t Maggie, de 
 housemaid, and I m lookin for a carload t be 
 comin down for de rest of de servants any old 
 day! 
 
 "Dey may as well let de coachman and 
 all de stablemen go, and sell de horses and 
 
 121 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 carriages, for dey ain t no more use, cept t take 
 little Miss Fannie out for a airin, and I expect 
 she ll be crusin round like a duck on a pond 
 wid her own wheel pretty soon* 
 
 44 When all de folks is out de Duchess asks 
 Maggie t sneak wid us, and den we tree goes 
 off in some odder direction from de folks. You 
 otter see dem goils ! Dey is wonders, blind, 
 staggerin wonders, in dere wheel make-up! 
 
 "Miss Fannie she don t dress much 
 diffrunt from when she is walkin, only she 
 wears boots, but de Duchess and dat chip 
 Maggie! say, dey d put your eyes out in a 
 minute if ever you d see em unexpected. De 
 Duchess has some of dose forn papers sent from 
 Paris, what s de dago town she comes from, 
 and she seed some pictures of fairies on wheels in 
 one of em, and she rigged up a harness like it* 
 It s like a woman out on top of de stage in a 
 fairy opra. 
 
 44 Maggie, de housemaid, is near as queer, 
 only she ain t got de style de Duchess has. De 
 rig de Duchess wears wouldn t be so worse if 
 she d only never wear it out of de grounds, but 
 dat s de trouble, and dat s what run me up 
 against it de odder day. We was tearin up dirt 
 along de shore road, me follyin de Duchess and 
 Maggie* t keep de dogs away from em, which 
 I had a lot of stones in me pockets for, when I 
 
 122 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 seed comin down de road four wheels, one wid 
 a woman, and I knowed in a minute dey was 
 our folks what had gone round by de back 
 road, and would cop us sure if we didn t make 
 a sneak* I yelled t de goils t get off and yank 
 dere wheels over a low stone wall* We chased 
 ourselves lively, I m tellin you, and as de folks 
 all stopped for someting dey didn t see us, and 
 we laicf low on de odder side of de wall, where 
 dere were sticks and leaves and stones and wet, 
 and it was de worst beddin I ever struck, and I 
 ain t always slept in de finest needer* Mon 
 Dieu ! Chames, says de Duchess, 4 let us get 
 out of here ; I m ruinin me dress* 
 
 44 4 You ain t got no dress on, I says, 4 and 
 dat s de trouble, says I, cause I was pretty sore 
 wid her dinky harness, which I wouldn t have 
 Miss Fannie seen on me life* 
 
 "Next it was dat Maggie what hollered 
 murder* For de love of heaven, Chimmie, 
 she yelled, 4 1 wonder you wouldn t put us in a 
 den of snakes* Dere s a toad crawlin up me 
 leg/ 
 
 4 1 wonder he wouldn t jump in your big 
 mout, what you can t keep closed/ I says t 
 her, for I was near crazy, cause I peeped over 
 de wall and seen de folks comin along* 
 
 44 1 put one hand over de Duchess s mout 
 and one over Maggie s, and dey was still for a 
 
 123 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 minute; but all of a suddent, and botc togedder, 
 just as de folks was opposite, bote dose fool goils 
 bit me hands near in two, and let out screams 
 you could heard across de Sound, and bote for 
 de same reason : dere was a bull comin at us, 
 wid tail up and head down, and lookin bigger 
 dan de Madson Square Garden, At de first 
 yell de four folks all stops and gets off dere 
 wheels, and just as dey did de Duchess and 
 Maggie* lookin like circus riders, only wid 
 leaves and sticks all over em, flew over oe wall 
 and fell yellin wid fits right at his Whiskers 
 feet. 
 
 44 De bull made for me* I seen I d be done 
 if I didn t chase meself, so I puts me hands on 
 top of de wall t make a jump, when me foot 
 caught in a wheel* Dat was de chance for 
 de bull, and he knowed his business* He let 
 me have it right where it hurted de smallest, 
 and I went up in de air a mile wid de wheel 
 fast t me leg, 
 
 44 1 landed on de road right in front of Mr. 
 Paul* All de odders was screamin wid fits and 
 worriment, but Mr* Paul found I wasn t done, 
 and he only said, 4 Do you always go over a 
 wall like dat, Chimmie ? 
 
 "Say, I felt like what t ell, and I would 
 have sold meself for a minute wid de Duchess 
 trun in t boot* 
 124 
 
As to Sans-Gene. 
 
 "Miss Fannie first found out I wasn t 
 hurted much, den she looked at de Duchess 
 who wasn t sayin nottin for de first time since 
 she was borned and den she laughed fit t kill 
 herself, and his Whiskers he laughed, and Mr* 
 Burton he laughed, and dat bull looked over de 
 wall and he laughed, but Mr, Paul he only 
 looked solemn and said, kinder t himself : For 
 all aches and bruises, take a small bottle. 
 
 44 Den de folks rode on, and I helped de 
 goils home, and when we got dere none of de 
 folks peeped bout de circus a word* I fcnowed 
 it was Miss Fannie what made em not string 
 us, 
 
 "Say, Miss Fannie ain t so worse; and 
 needer was dat small bot Mr, Paul sneaked t 
 me room, " 
 
Is the kind of a fool this man THE PRI] 
 is, not the degree, which pro- OF A 
 duces this emotion, my dear*" SETTER 
 
 Major Max made this PUP - 
 explanation when Mrs. Max 
 looked up at him in mild sur 
 prise* He had thrown a 
 
 magazine across the room, and it had hit the 
 setter dog, enjoying too much sleep before the 
 grate fire* The setter looked up delightedly at 
 first, thinking the lively performance of its master 
 was the signal for a frolic, but after a knowing 
 examination of the Major s face discovered its 
 mistake, regarded him reproachfully, and re 
 trieved the magazine to Mrs* Max s lap, near 
 which it remained to have its head patted, and as 
 an evidence of partisan disapproval of the Major. 
 
 44 Why, Major ! " exclaimed Mrs* Max in 
 surprise, " this is the magazine youVe always 
 praised for its wisdom*" 
 
 44 That was before I began writing for it*" 
 
 44 But youVe never written in this maga 
 zine*" 
 
 "Fve written for it, not in it* The dis 
 tinction is significant, possibly, of my dimin 
 ished veneration for its wisdom, but not of my 
 
 129 
 
The Pride of a Setter Pup. 
 
 present rage, which has heated me to such an 
 extent that I feel if you should touch the bell for 
 a nice little cold pint I could do the rest. Ah, 
 thanks* Now let me show you." 
 
 The Major again took the magazine and 
 turned over its pages* 
 
 44 Here, you see, is an article written by a 
 
 Soung man who has just discovered London* 
 is a class of literature in which I usually find 
 much enjoyment* Writers of the present day 
 who announce the death of Queen Anne and the 
 capture of Holland by the Dutch are always 
 worth reading* Such discoveries are usually 
 made by men of the fresh and breezy style, 
 suggesting the complacent pride of a setter pup 
 which passes over a quail youVe just shot, and 
 brings you back a last year s bird-nest*" 
 
 44 But if you enjoy their stories so much, 
 why do you throw magazines at the dog ? " 
 
 "I was about to explain, but a certain 
 amount of introduction is necessary to give value 
 to what follows; otherwise the sense of propor 
 tion, or space, is offended* I was speaking of 
 this article on London by its freshest discoverer* 
 I probably should have had no quarrel with the 
 writer had he not happened to talk my shop* He 
 witnessed in London the guard mount at St* 
 James s Palace, and describes it* That is well, 
 for it is a pretty ceremony wherever it is seen* 
 130 
 
The Pride of a Setter Pup. 
 
 But then he adds, listen: There is no guard 
 mount in America; and if there were, it would 
 be done on the double quick and in a business 
 like manner/" 
 
 The setter dodged behind Mrs* Max s skirts 
 as the Major again raised the magazine threat 
 eningly, but its master drowned his rising wrath 
 in a glass of wine, tossed the magazine on the 
 table, and resumed: 
 
 44 The Americans who discover London, and 
 tell us about it in magazines, should first be com 
 pelled to pass an examination in the history and 
 geography of this country which would entitle 
 them to appointment in the letter carrier service* 
 4 We have no guard mount/ says this historian, 
 regretfully, and then scornfully adds that if we 
 did we would not make it the pretty ceremony 
 he saw in London* Now, let s see: Within 
 thirty miles of New York there are six military 
 posts* There are four right in our harbor 
 Governor s Island, Liberty Island, Fort Wads- 
 worth, and Fort Hamilton where there is a 
 guard mounted daily* Consider Fort Hamilton, 
 for instance; that is as near Union Square, say, 
 as are many of the districts of London to St. 
 James s Palace* There is a full band playing at 
 the Fort Hamilton guard mount, as at St* James s 
 Palace; and if this historian had crossed the 
 bridge instead of the ocean to see a guard mount 
 
The Pride of a Setter Pup. 
 
 he would have been equally delighted by the 
 sight of a gallant, brave, and handsome lot of 
 officers ana sturdy, well-drilled soldiers, which 
 he assures us he found on the other side* 
 
 "Then here, again, the writer grows enthu 
 siastic over the ceremony of saluting the flag 
 which he discovered in London. That beautiful 
 ceremony is performed five afternoons a week 
 at Fort Hamilton by the men and officers of the 
 gallant old First Cillery, and of course at every 
 other post of the size in the United States, the 
 flag is saluted with the same ceremony daily " 
 
 "Not the British flag?" asked Mrs. Max 
 in surprise* 
 
 44 True, my dear, only the Stars and Stripes," 
 and the setter had occasion to drop again* 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee* 
 
SUALLY very placid, Mrs. AT THE 
 Max s brow was puzzled with RANCH 
 a slight frown as she asked: OF THE 
 44 Is there not something or other PIOUS 
 going on over in Brooklyn, or YANKEE - 
 somewhere?"* 
 
 The Major opened his 
 
 mouth to speak so many times before he finally 
 uttered a sound that the setter dog, who was 
 observing him with cocked head, gave a little 
 bark of impatience and tramped nervously with 
 his fore feet* 
 
 Mrs* Max did not take notice of the 
 Major s silence or the setter s vocalism, for she 
 was busy spreading on some very hot toast 
 some very fine caviare* That must be done 
 with great expedition or the toast becomes cold* 
 
 By the way, do not commit the barbarism 
 of spreading the caviare thickly on the toast, for 
 that is likely to result in mussiness, and, any 
 way, it aids and abets the natural tendency of 
 the toast to become cold before the sandwich is 
 ready to be eaten, and the lemon-juice must be 
 superadded after the spreading, and that is 
 another chilling delay* 
 
 * Two brigades of the militia had been fighting trolley-car rioters tor 
 two weeks. 
 
 135 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 At last the Major said, with forced com 
 posure : 
 
 "No, my dear. Nothing is going on in 
 Brooklyn* On the contrary, quite otherwise; 
 everything has stopped going in Brooklyn. 
 That statement is confusing, too ; involving, as 
 it does, the violent assumption that anything 
 ever started there* But why do you ask ? " 
 
 44 Ask what ? " Mrs. Max responded, her 
 placidity restored, because the sandwiches were 
 completed and not cold. 
 
 "Did you not ask me if something was 
 not going on in Brooklyn ? " 
 
 44 Oh, to be sure I" 
 
 Mrs. Max put triangular sandwiches on 
 her own and on the Major s plates, motioned to 
 the whiskey-decanter and the water-carafe as a 
 reminder for the Major to do his duty, and as 
 he, like a soldier, obeyed, she added : 
 
 " Why, Mrs. Jack Daring told me that she 
 knew a man in the Twenty-second I do not 
 know whether he was in his twenty-second year 
 or from the Twenty-second ward who had been 
 in Brooklyn, where everybody was killing some 
 body, though what in ever for, Fm sure ! r 
 
 Mrs. Max sipped her whiskey and water 
 between bites of her sandwich and resumed : 
 
 44 1 pretended to know all about it because 
 Mrs. Jack is always so delighted when she finds 
 136 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 out that she knows anything that nobody 
 knows, don t you know, I thought I d wait 
 and ask you* But then one never can be sure 
 about anything in Brooklyn, although Mrs, 
 Jack says they have some very smart shops 
 there. Is the sandwich good ? " 
 
 "My dear madam, it is a poem. That 
 reminds me that the only time I ever tried to 
 write verse besides those I wrote to you, a 
 caviare and toast sandwich was the inspiration 
 of my muse : 
 
 44 * Demulcent, fragile, and divine, 
 Paradoxure attributes are thine ! 
 Pharyngeal aridity is mine 
 Induced by thee to be allayed by wine ! f 
 
 "I showed it to the men in our mess, and 
 they said it was good, because when we run 
 out of caviare they read that verse to induce 
 thirst ; they said it was so dry. By the way, 
 you never happened to try to write a verse in a 
 one-company frontier post where there was no 
 thesaurus ? " 
 
 "Mrs, Jack said/ remarked Mrs, Max, 
 who had not been listening to the Major 
 indeed he not infrequently makes remarks which 
 he does not expect to be seriously regarded 
 " Mrs, Jack said that the Twenty-second man 
 was in Brooklyn two whole weeks and led a 
 
 137 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 german when he returned, just as if he had not 
 been out of the country* I suppose she is 
 interested in things about people shooting peo 
 ple because of Bob Billings; though how she 
 can notice a twenty-two-year old man when 
 Bob has joined his regiment Pm sure ! " 
 
 44 Although, when I rep rated my apostro 
 phe to a caviare sandwich, your eyes were 
 without speculation, I am tempted to tell you of 
 the only time I ever saw Bob Billings in the 
 mood, in which people, as you remark, engage 
 in shooting other people, for when we have 
 fought Indians he was never fighting mad," 
 said the Major* 
 
 Mrs. Max was suddenly alert with inter 
 est* It is a fact, which the Major has studied 
 with inconclusive energy, that his wife, the most 
 sensitive and kind of her sex, takes, next to her 
 interest in the relations of men and women of 
 her set, the deepest interest in stories wherein 
 the sanguinary passion controls. 
 
 44 But first, " the Major said, with a mean 
 purpose to hold an excited imagination with 
 an irrelative subject, as persons not always suc 
 cessful with their stories will sometimes do, 
 44 first I wish to explain that I was only taking 
 advantage of poetic license when in my verse I 
 suggested that the thirst born of caviare should 
 be allayed in wine. Caviare that good should 
 138 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 come out of Russia ! should be eaten only an 
 hour before dinner, when it would be hangably 
 offensive to drink wine* It is an excitant to an 
 appetite for solids as well as for liquids* Then 
 it is but reasonable to ask, What liquid should 
 be taken therewith? Whiskey and water* 
 Whiskey should never be taken without water, 
 hence and water* follows logically* But why 
 whiskey ? There, my dear, is a scientific 
 
 44 Did Bob kill any one? " interrupted Mrs* 
 Max* 
 
 The Major mixed another glass of his bev 
 erage, pulled the setter s ears until that patient 
 animal scowled with silent pain, and answered: 
 
 44 In the path obstructed by feminine curios 
 ity, science, baffled and supine, knows only pen 
 ance, not progress* This is the story: We 
 were in Arizona, before the railroad was 
 through* A few miles from us a few miles as 
 distance was considered there and then a Yan 
 kee farmer, moved by a inscrutable Providence 
 and the barrenness of his Massachusetts farm, had 
 settled on a quarter-section of land whereon was 
 a spring* In his old home springs were not 
 rare, and he did not at first know the value of 
 one in Arizona* How could he ? He did not 
 know that with the water of that spring distrib 
 uted over that land, in that climate, ne could 
 grow anything from a pineapple to a potato ; he 
 
 139 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 did not know that that spring was worth enor 
 mous money to a particularly offensive renegade 
 cattle-rancher and thief, who had considered it 
 his own for years, but had never paid Uncle 
 Sam the compliment of obeying the simple laws 
 whereby he might have obtained the actual 
 ownership* He learned both soon. Our little 
 post bought his fruit and vegetables, and was 
 rewarding his industry with wealth. The cat 
 tleman was using every vicious device to drive 
 the Yankee from his honest holding threats, 
 raids, insults, blackmail. But the Yankee was 
 spunky with Christian spunkiness. That 
 was the misfortune which haa worked to refrain 
 him from killing his persecutor a score of times, 
 when, in that country at that time, he would 
 have been adjudged to have sufficient justification. 
 "He used his prosperity quaintly, that 
 Yankee. From Albuquerque, which was as 
 far as the railroad extended then, he had brought 
 by wagon a little cabinet organ for his wife ; he 
 paid the expenses of bringing from the same 
 town a pious parson once a month to preach to 
 the soldiers in the post in the morning, and to 
 pray in his own transplanted Yankee home the 
 same Sunday evening. In these foreign ways 
 he proved to the cattlemen how unfit he was to 
 maintain an honest holding against a dishonest 
 bully, 
 140 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 "The Yankee s wife they were a young 
 couple was a source of simple joy and delight 
 to Bob and me* She was pretty, slender, de 
 vout, healthy everything all other women we 
 ever saw there were not and she could make 
 music on that little organ the like of which it 
 seemed to us then we had never heard* 
 
 44 One Sunday after the parson had 
 preached to our soldiers Bob and I agreed to ride 
 with him to the Yankee s, where, as usual, he 
 was to remain all night* That evening we had a 
 sacred concert* You know what an impossible 
 voice Bob has, and how conceited he is about 
 it ? Well, even he could not spoil that concert* 
 He and the parson, the Yankee and I, and, of 
 course, dear little Mrs* Yankee, sang hymns 
 with that organ for accompaniment, with a vim 
 only the situation could induce or explain* 
 
 44 After the concert Mrs* Yankee set about 
 preparing supper* There was a storehouse, 
 bigger than trie living house, a few rods off, and 
 she went there for some fruit* It was a bright, 
 moonlight night, with the utter stillness which 
 only the desert knows, and we were all startled 
 as by a visible, horrid calamity when we 
 heard the shrill shriek of a woman* Bob was 
 the first of us, first before the husband even, to 
 rush from the house, catching up his pistol as 
 he ran* By the door of the storehouse we 
 
 HI 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 saw the little woman senseless on the ground* 
 A noise on the other side drew us on, with a 
 rush, around there drew Bob, the parson and 
 me the husband remained with his wife* 
 
 44 That renegade cattleman was just 
 mounting a horse when Bob sprang at him and 
 knocked him off with the butt of his pistoL For 
 a second Bob stood over the rascal with his pis 
 tol aimed at his head* He wanted to kill him* 
 I saw the struggle which kept him from pulling 
 the trigger ; the struggle of civilization* of hered 
 ity, of w est Point* 
 
 44 The Parson, not sure about the outcome 
 of the struggle, touched Bob s arm and whis 
 pered, 4 Wait* Let me see how she is/ 
 
 44 He returned in a minute and told us the 
 woman was not hurt ; had only been thrown 
 down* 
 
 44 Bob asked the parson to go back to the 
 house* Then he said to the whining rascal : 
 It may not be according to army rules and 
 regulations for me to say this, but I tell you now 
 that if any soldier at the post sees you in this 
 county again he ll shoot you on sight* Now 
 mount your horse and ride at a walk with your 
 hands up* 
 
 44 1 supposed that the order Hands up ! 
 was merely a precaution against the fellow 
 drawing his pistol, but he had gone only about 
 142 
 
At the Ranch of the Pious Yankee. 
 
 ten paces when Bob fired* The horseman 
 shrieked and dashed ahead* Bob walked out 
 in the moonlight* returned with an index finger, 
 showed it to me, tossed it away, and remark 
 ed: Pm rather proud of that shot, Max; I 
 fired to cut that finger* I had to do that much/ 
 
 "When we returned to the cottage we 
 found Mrs* Yankee only suffering from nervous 
 ness* She had discovered the rascal, of course 
 planning some unknown mischief, at the store 
 house door, and in his escape he had thrown her 
 down* 
 
 444 You have a rifle and know how to use 
 it, said Bob to the Yankee* The next time 
 you see that man anywhere near your ranch 
 shoot him on general principles* " 
 
 44 What did the parson say to that ? " asked 
 Mrs* Max eagerly* 
 
 44 The parson, " replied the Major, replen 
 ishing his glass, " the parson said 4 Amen I " 
 
 143 
 
The Sovereign Alchemist* 
 
ED it ever occur to you, my THE 
 dear/ began Major Max seri- SOVEREIGN 
 ously, addressing his wife, who ALCHEMIST, 
 was at work on a piece of 
 embroidery, " did it ever occur 
 to you to sing, with Omar, the 
 praises of 
 
 44 4 The Grape that can with Logic absolute 
 The Two-an -Seventy jarring Sects confute ; 
 
 The Sovereign Alchemist that in a trice 
 Life s leaden metal into Gold transmute ? 
 
 44 You know, Major, that I seldom sing, it s 
 so professional ; and as to Mr* Omar, I don t 
 remember to have ever met him* I certainly 
 never sang with him : duets are so sentimental, 
 Mrs* Max replied, not looking up from her work* 
 
 If you had seen her, you would have been 
 satisfied that she should not look up* She was 
 sitting beneath a lamp, on the opposite side of the 
 library-table from the Major, dressed in a fluffy, 
 lacey house-gown, half revealing her neck and 
 arms (very well shaped and smooth) ; her head 
 bent over her dainty embroidery in the pretty 
 attitude of absorbed diligence with which women 
 apply themselves to such tasks, to the utter 
 confusion of those who preach the inconsequen- 
 
 147 
 
The Sovereign Alchemist. 
 
 tiality of the feminine character* The Major laid 
 down his Rubaiyat and said : " Omar was before 
 your time, but yet an excellent singer and a man 
 of some wisdom." 
 
 "Then it s a pity he s not in the opera 
 now," exclaimed Mrs. Max, " for I do think 
 these people who sing are so silly. Mrs. Jack 
 Daring actually met one of them, she told me, 
 and she, the singer, I mean, seemed to think 
 that she should be treated like a real person, 
 don t you know : as if she were not a pro 
 fessional." 
 
 Yes," said the Major, " I heard that one 
 of the prime donne justified herself for wearing a 
 rich silk and satin fancy-ball costume for the 
 character of a German peasant girl because the 
 costume was made by Doucet. Her contention 
 was that if Doucet s costumes were good enough 
 for her, they certainly were for a German 
 peasant girl." 
 
 "I m sure," Mrs. Max remarked after a 
 thoughtful pause, "a peasant girl ought to be 
 very glad to have a silk and satin costume, so I 
 think the prima donna was entirely justified. 
 Don t you?" 
 
 " I had not thought of it in that light, and 
 that only proves how sluggish a man s mind 
 can become, lacking the grape whereby life s 
 
 leaden metal " 
 
 14* 
 
The Sovereign Alchemist. 
 
 * Major Max! what in ever are you 
 talking about ? A minute ago you were asking 
 if I knew a song about 4 life s leaden metal/ and 
 now you are at it again*" Mrs* Max looked up 
 from her embroidery now* She observed as 
 she did so that the small bottle of wine she had 
 ordered for the Major before she took up her 
 work was as empty as his glass, and added : 
 44 Why, you have nothing to drink ! " 
 
 "That s what I ve been asking for all 
 along* I did not want to disturb you too 
 abruptly, although 
 
 44 4 My Clay with long Oblivion is gone dry ; 
 
 But fill me with the old familiar juice, 
 Methinks I might recover by and by/ n 
 
 44 1 do think, Major," exclaimed Mrs* Max 
 as she pushed the button, "Mr* Omar must 
 have been like some of the modern singers, as it 
 has made you thirsty just to talk about him*" 
 
 " He has a tendency to affect me that way," 
 the Major said, winking with great gravity at 
 the setter dog. 
 
 149 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most. 
 
HAT Mrs. Jack Daring will THAT THE 
 certainly be the death of me/ WISEST 
 exclaimed Mrs. Max," and I m SUFFER 
 sure our old-fashioned cham- MOST. 
 pagne glasses are much prettier 
 than the straight glasses/ 
 
 Mrs* Max held the wide- 
 
 flanged and "cypress-slender minister of wine" 
 to her lips, and regarded her husband thought 
 fully* 
 
 The Major was really thinking that his 
 wife made a very pretty picture, and wondered 
 if she would object to posing for a portrait hold 
 ing a wine glass so, but he only answered: 
 
 "I am Ted to conjecture, from your always 
 entertaining and realistic accounts of Mrs* Jack s 
 goings on, that she will accomplish her own 
 death before yours, my dear* What has she 
 been doing now, buying straight champagne 
 glasses, or drinking champagne straight, or er 
 what?" 
 
 "How absurd! I said nothing about cham 
 pagne* This time it is not what she has been 
 doing, but what she has been telling me, that is so 
 killing* You know that Fannie Courtlandt has 
 a footman or groom or something who takes her 
 
 153 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most. 
 
 down to the slums, where she feeds people, 
 which is all right, I suppose, because she likes 
 it, though why in ever those people don t feed 
 each other, I m sure*" 
 
 "Possibly they re too busy, or have noth 
 ing to feed each other with," suggested the 
 Major* 
 
 "Do you think so?" cried Mrs* Max, in 
 wide-eyed horror* " That is just what Mrs* Jack 
 was telling me, but of course, I didn t believe it, 
 because she s so emotional, you know* Well, 
 Mrs* Jack heard Fannie telling about the slums, 
 so, of course, she had to go there, too, Mrs* Jack 
 did* She told me about a family of four people, 
 a father and mother, a little girl JO years old, 
 and a very young baby* The father was sick, 
 the mother couldn t work because the baby was 
 so young, and the little girl, who worked where 
 they make artificial flowers I ll never wear 
 another as long as I live couldn t get her 
 wages* The man who hired her promised her 
 $ J*75 a week, but after she d worked two weeks 
 he said she had only earned 75 cents a week* 
 They have courts there, Mrs* Jack says, Civil 
 Justice courts, she said, where they go when 
 people don t pay wages or rent, and the Judge 
 I m sure he must be a very nice man said the 
 little girl should get what the man promised her, 
 and besides, he made the man pay her $10 for 
 
 154 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most. 
 
 what Mrs* Jack says they call exemplary dam 
 ages, or something. Well, do you know that 
 on the same day, in the same court, a wicked 
 man got an order to turn the little girl s father 
 out of their room, just because they could not 
 pay $8 rent ? Mrs. Jack says that they would all 
 have been turned out, with nothing to eat and 
 no place to sleep, and almost nothing to wear, 
 if it had not been for the $ JO the little girl got. 
 People are turned out like that, Mrs. Jack says. 
 You wouldn t think there was such suffering 
 right here, would you, Major?" 
 
 The Major filled his glass and emptied it 
 with deliberation before he answered : 
 
 "Yes, I believe I have read of such cases. 
 But I fear I am rather more of a philosopher than 
 a philanthropist, and am inclined more to make 
 comparisons than contributions. You remember 
 Parker Rossiter?" 
 
 "Why, yes; but he has sent regrets to my 
 dinner invitations so long that I thought he must 
 be dead." 
 
 44 You are correct in both of the assumptions 
 contained in your comment, my dear: that noth 
 ing but death would keep a man from accepting 
 an invitation to dine with you, and that Parker 
 would arise from the dead rather than commit 
 such a breach of etiquette as not to reply to a 
 dinner invitation. But Parker is not dead, ex- 
 
 J55 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most. 
 
 ccpt to the old world which knew him so well 
 for so many years* He still lives; that is, he 
 still retains his capacity to suffer, and that is 
 what I was going to tell you about. 
 
 44 You remember that he inherited a fairly 
 decent fortune that is, for a man of his quiet 
 tastes eight or nine thousand dollars a year. 
 He had no extravagances; was, as you remem 
 ber, merely a type of the better sort of society 
 man. He belonged to two or three good clubs, 
 kept a saddle horse, patronized artists and mu 
 sicians in a quiet way, had a pew in church, 
 was always available for any social duty de 
 manded of him by the women in his set, and 
 religiously paid all of his social obligations/ 
 
 44 1 remember very well," interrupted Mrs. 
 Max. "We used to have a joke about him. 
 He had a regular programme for paying social 
 debts. He would pay off a dinner with a the 
 atre party, and a theatre party with a restaurant 
 dinner; a dancing party invitation brought a 
 bunch of roses, and an afternoon tea a bonbon- 
 niere. If he accepted a house party invitation, 
 some time during that year the hostess would 
 be sure to get from him a lovely little oil paint 
 ing, and he always gave delightful wedding 
 presents." 
 
 "Yes, that was Parker Rossiter," resumed 
 the Major* "At the end of each month he 
 156 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most 
 
 managed to pay his bills, for if one month had 
 been extravagant he would average up on the 
 next month by taking water with his claret, as 
 the French say* Well, three years ago some 
 thing happened to poor Parker s income* Some 
 Trust or other consolidated most of it out of 
 existence, leaving him about a thousand dollars 
 a year* He was no more equipped than a baby 
 to earn a living; he was not the man to have 
 influence to secure him a sinecure nor to use 
 that influence if he had it* He resigned from 
 all but one club, and went to live in a little hall 
 bedroom, heaven only knows where* The 
 restaurants he can afford to patronize would offer 
 a luxurious banquet to your little artificial flower- 
 girl s father, but poor Parker frequently leaves 
 those restaurants hungry* Of course he has 
 declined every invitation of every kind* Plenty 
 of men do put themselves daily under social 
 obligations they know they can never pay; Park 
 er could no more do that than he would borrow 
 money he could not pay* With the exception 
 of one club membership, he has given up every 
 thing in life that for twenty years had been to 
 him what makes life worth living* I see him 
 at the club frequently* He goes there ostensibly 
 to read the papers, really to be in an atmosphere 
 in which he can breatne* No member of the 
 club is treated with greater consideration by the 
 
 157 
 
That the Wisest Suffer Most. 
 
 other members ; they all see in him a helpless, 
 hopeless child, as surely dying of privation as 
 the most unfortunate wretch in the slums* Pos 
 sibly the process is inflicting upon him keener 
 suffering than is felt by those who complain he 
 never does that* But how prosy I am, my dear ! 
 Do you happen to know who wrote these lines: 
 
 4 4 Is it true* oh, Christ in heaven ! that the wisest suffer 
 most; 
 
 That the strongest wander furthest and most hope 
 lessly are lost ; 
 
 That the mark of rank in nature is capacity for pain ; 
 
 That the anguish of the singer lends its sweetness to 
 the strain ? * 
 
 158 
 
The Squaring of Bob* 
 
OL* BOB BILLINGS had been THE 
 dining with Mr. and Mrs. Max, SQUARING 
 and after dinner he talked of BOB - 
 Mrs* Jack Daring* He had not 
 introduced the subject, for he is 
 one of the most cautious men, 
 conversationally, in the world, 
 
 and he would never be guilty of talking about 
 one woman whom he was known to admire to 
 another woman of anywhere near the same age 
 and equally admirable* Mrs* Max had herself 
 led the conversation around to Mrs* Jack, in fact 
 had rather persisted in the topic ; and, with this 
 warrant for doing so, Bob had contributed some 
 pleasant chat about Mrs* Tack s chafing-dish 
 suppers* Once started, he had become a trifle 
 enthusiastic in praise of Mrs* Jack s chafing-dish 
 successes, and had spoken of her proficiency in 
 that respect as something new and charming in 
 feminine accomplishments* 
 
 Mrs* Max is almost infantile in her ingenu 
 ousness, as young wives of middle-aged husbands 
 are apt to be if they happen to be in love with 
 their husbands* It was this phase of the lady s 
 altogether charming nature which showed to the 
 Major, even before Bob s departure, that that 
 
 161 
 
The Squaring of Bob. 
 
 unlucky man was suddenly and intensely 
 unpopular. Of course, being a man, he had not 
 the slightest idea wherein BOD had offended, and, 
 having failed by his unassisted efforts to solve 
 the mystery, he determined to learn from Mrs* 
 Max* 
 
 She was in a dressing-gown in her room, 
 engaged in that thoughtful, bedtime occupation 
 of brushing out her hair, when the Major called 
 out from his room : 
 
 44 What has that unfortunate Billings gone 
 and done now, my dear ? " 
 
 There was some moments silence, broken 
 only by the long, slow swish of the hair 
 brushes, before Mrs* Max replied : 
 
 44 Nothing* I think he is one of your most 
 charming friends*" 
 
 The Major walked into his wife s room, 
 looked about unsuccessfully for an unoccupied 
 chair to sit down in, then backed up before the 
 grate fire and remarked thoughtfully : 
 
 44 1 entertained a remote suspicion that old 
 Bob was in disgrace in your gentle bosom, but 
 since, happily, you removed that carking thought 
 I will amuse myself in telling you a pretty little 
 tale wherein then Lieut* Robert Billings figures 
 as an adorable hero*" 
 
 Mrs* Max laid down her brushes and 
 recklessly sat down on something on a chair 
 262 
 
The Squaring of Bob. 
 
 that the Major had not thought would endure 
 sitting on, and said decisively : 
 
 44 You just needn t tell me any more stories 
 about Bob Billings* He is just as stupid as of 
 course any man is who has never been married 
 at his age* He and his Mrs* Jack Daring s new 
 accomplishments with a chafing-dish! New, 
 indeed ! " 
 
 Then Mrs* Max arose and resumed her 
 brushes* The Major regarded her admiringly, 
 and then smiled, until he saw that she had 
 discovered his smile in the mirror, then he said, 
 soberly : 
 
 "My dear, you are never so completely 
 my ideal as when you abandon the inexactitudes 
 commonly observed in feminine conversation, 
 banish utterly the confusing non sequitur, and 
 give yourself wholly to logical discourse* When 
 you remind me that Bob is stupid, and prove it 
 by Mrs* Jack Daring s chafing-dish, I feel that in 
 meeting yours my own exiguous mentality is in 
 no danger of decline for lack of exercise* Have 
 I your permission to light a cigarette ? And to 
 remove one of these articles from one of these 
 chairs ? And to sit down ? " 
 
 44 You have my permission to tell me what 
 you are talking about," said Mrs* Max with 
 great severity, but she lighted a cigarette and 
 gave it to the Major* 
 
 163 
 
The Squaring of Bob. 
 
 "In other words, then," said the Major, 
 " what has Mrs* Jack s chafing-dish to do with 
 Bob s unpopularity ? " 
 
 "I never said he was unpopular; and 
 besides, Mrs. Jack Daring didn t know a chafing- 
 dish from a preserve-jar until this craze for 
 chafing-dish suppers came along/ 
 
 44 whereas you have been past mistress of 
 the chafing-dish mysteries ever since forever. I 
 begin to understand," the Major said. 
 
 44 Why, of course," Mrs. Max exclaimed, 
 brightening. "Didn t my father teach me to 
 cook in a chafing-dish as soon as I came from 
 school ? That s what I mean, don t you know ? 
 Then men like Bob Billings come back here 
 from wherever you kill Indians, and see a woman 
 like Mrs. Jack pottering over a chafing-dish, and 
 spoiling everything she touches, and then come 
 and tell me that it s a delightful new accom 
 plishment some ladies have. It s just like those 
 English people who expect us to be astonished 
 when they tell us they take a bath every day. 
 If Bob Billings had a wife, he d have some 
 sense*" 
 
 44 There s something in that, as the man 
 said when he put on his shoe with a mouse in 
 it," remarked the Major, thoughtlessly knocking 
 the ashes from his cigarette into a hairpin tray, 
 44 and that reminds me of the little story I was 
 164 
 
The Squaring of Bob* 
 
 to tell you. When Bob and I were in 
 it ^lez Perces campaign, we called those days 
 Sundays when it happened that we didn t have 
 some sort of fight or brush with the Indians. 
 We had about four Sundays in four months. 
 Bob is a fool of a fellow about some other things 
 besides chafing-dishes, and among them is tnat 
 he doesn t know what fear is. Possibly I should 
 say that he does not know what danger is. We 
 never had a scrimmage that Bob was not in it 
 where there was the greatest likelihood of his 
 being killed. There was no bravado about 
 him ; he had taken a fancy for killing Indians 
 because in our first scrimmage he had lost a 
 dear friend his favorite horse. Well, in those 
 four months Bob saw about as much of Indians 
 and Indian fighting as most Indian fighters do in 
 a lifetime. The first time he was in New York 
 after that he and I were at dinner one evening 
 where a sweet little tuft-hunting fool of a woman 
 made valiant siege for Bob s attentions. She 
 saw that he was being lionized for something ; 
 she did not know for what did not even know 
 that he was in the army. My dear Mr. 
 Billings/ she said to him impressively, *you 
 must let me engage you for my next Thursday 
 night. I know you will come when I tell you 
 that I am so fortunate as to promise that you 
 shall meet there Charley Fitz-Urse Perkins, who 
 
 16$ 
 
The Squaring of Bob. 
 
 is a most daring traveller. He has been quite to 
 Montana, accompanied only by his valet, where 
 I assure you he saw .. real live Indian/ * 
 
 44 What did Bob say to her ? " asked Mrs. 
 Max, after a comfortable little giggle. 
 
 44 1 forget/ said the Major, " what he said 
 to her, but I recall what he said to me as we 
 walked home. Shall T repeat it to you ? " 
 
 44 Perhaps you had better not : but tell Bob 
 to come up some night next week and Pll cook 
 him a chafing-dish terrapin stew," said Mrs. 
 Max. 
 
 1 66 
 
The Mystery of Man and 
 Mushrooms, 
 
CURIOUS thing is that even THE 
 the civilian most nearly ap- MYSTERY OF 
 proaching the man of sense MAN AND 
 will, when moved to consider MUSHROOMS. 
 us at all, persist in referring to 
 army officers as 4 men of blood, 
 or refer to us as having been 
 
 4 trained in the art of killing/ Therefore, I 
 shall give up my great work on How to Dis 
 tinguish the Edible Mushroom/" 
 
 44 Major, " said Mrs. Max softly, " what is 
 it I have sometimes heard you say I am ? " 
 > " An angel, always, my dear I " 
 
 "Of course always an angel, but some 
 times inconsequential ? " 
 
 "If the word has passed my lips in relation 
 to you, it was in praise. Fancy life with a con 
 sequential woman! You were about to re 
 mark?" 
 
 "That what in ever you mean by mixing 
 mushrooms with men of blood, Pm sure ! " 
 
 44 Exactly, my dear. I should earn, as you 
 suggest, the reputation of revelling in the death 
 of my fellow-creatures if I completed and pub 
 lished my great work on the mushroom. I 
 have come to this conclusion not through any 
 
 169 
 
The Mystery of Man and Mushrooms. 
 
 doubt as to the lucidity of my literary style, for 
 compared to it I have long considered the rays 
 from a purest gem serene a Cimmerian atmos 
 pheric attribute " 
 
 44 Major ! " interrupted Mrs* Max in great 
 alarm; "you will pardon me, won t you? I 
 did not notice your glass. " She filled his glass, 
 watched him drink, filled it again, and said 
 hopefully : " Now you ll talk English, won t 
 you New York English ; the kind I like and 
 understand ? " 
 
 44 1 am pleased, Mrs* Max, that you seem 
 to consider the emptiness of my glass responsi 
 ble for the fulness of my speech, since you ob 
 ject to the speech and are in reach of the glass. 
 In what you quaintly describe as New Y ork 
 English, I shall now explain that I have con 
 cluded that the human intellect is capable of all 
 but one mental achievement, and that is the un 
 derstanding of the difference between the edible 
 and inedible mushroom. Men master the 
 mysteries of the heavens ; solve the secrets of the 
 ocean s depths ; rend, with the alchemist s thun 
 der, the dark recesses of the earth ; control with 
 artful device the " 
 
 "But when they re real fresh, I think, 
 broiled, on toast, with a sauce maitre d hotel, 
 they re lovely for breakfast, " interrupted Mrs* 
 Max with sudden enthusiasm. 
 170 
 
The Mystery of Man and Mushrooms. 
 
 The Major called the setter to his knee and 
 pinched that amazed animal s ear until the dog 
 whimpered with pain* Then, when Mrs* Max 
 wanted to know what was the matter, the 
 Major replied, huskily, that the setter had inter 
 rupted him* Thereupon Mrs* Max ordered the 
 setter out of the room, and with dreamy placid 
 ity resumed her fancy work* After several 
 minutes silence she looked up and inquired 
 sweetly : " What were you going to say about 
 mushrooms, Major ? " 
 
 The Major emptied his glass and then 
 said slowly: "Only this, that, as it seems 
 impossible to divert human beings from the 
 excitement of poisoning themselves with in 
 edible mushrooms, and as they poison them 
 selves the more the more they are instructed, 
 I have decided that any effort on my part in 
 the way of instruction would only result in 
 increasing the death-rate, an end commendable 
 in itself and condemnable only in an army 
 officer*" 
 
 44 But, " said Mrs* Max, with proud impor 
 tance, " Col* Bob Billings told Mrs* Jack Daring 
 that when you were a lieutenant you killed 
 more Indians than any of your soldiers, though 
 Pm sure the way their squaws carry their 
 papooses on their backs is quite cunning* Mrs. 
 Jack asked Col* Bob how me squaws powdered 
 
 171 
 
The Mystery of Man and Mushrooms. 
 
 the papooses, and he said with puff balls. Is 
 that so?" 
 
 "Bob may have studied the puff ball in 
 its relation to the aboriginal infant s toilet, but I 
 did not. To me the puff ball was interesting 
 only as an article of diet, I knew it as the 
 4 Lycoperdon giganteum. * 
 
 "But, Major, you don t mean to say that 
 you ate things with such horrid names ! But," 
 continued Mrs, Max after a thoughtful pause, 
 44 if you took the trouble to learn all about its 
 Latin parts, I should think you would print a 
 piece about it ; for what s the use knowing so 
 much unless people know, you know," 
 
 The Major went to his desk, and return 
 ing to the table, lovingly unfolded some manu 
 script, regarded it with a mixture of affection 
 ana respect, and then replied : " It must 
 remain unpublished, but it shall not die a song 
 unsung. Do not start, my dear; I only purpose 
 reading extracts to sing certain bars, so to 
 say of my chapter on the *L, Giganteum/ 
 Speaking of extracts and bars, would you 
 kindly? Thank you!" 
 
 During blissful tens of minutes the Major 
 indulged in the ecstasy of reading aloud his own 
 composed language happy in that, happy in 
 the absence of comment by Mrs, Max; happy 
 that she had placed the decanter so that he 
 172 
 
The Mystery of Man and Mushrooms. 
 
 could refill his glass without taking his eyes 
 from the manuscript* 
 
 At last, reluctantly, he paused, observed 
 the peaceful slumbers of Mrs* Max, and silently 
 rolled up his manuscript* The setter, whicn 
 had stolen into the library again, looked at the 
 Major, and then, with some evidence of acerbity, 
 woKe up Mrs* Max* As she opened her eyes, 
 that lady said: "How sweetly you read, 
 Major r 
 
 "In this case, the anguish of the singer 
 lends its sweetness to the tone/ " remarked the 
 Major, replacing the manuscript in his desk. 
 
 175 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max* 
 
EALLY, Major, if I had any in- THE 
 fluence with the Government EMANCIPA- 
 what do you say, the Ad- TION OF 
 ministration? well, with the MRS - MAX - 
 Administration, I should have 
 that Bob Billings deprived of 
 his leave from his regiment* 
 It s really impossible, you know, shocking! 
 Why in ever it s that way, I m sure ! " 
 
 44 Did I understand you to say that the Ad 
 ministration is * really impossible, and, further 
 more, shocking ? " 
 
 44 You know, Major," said Mrs* Max, in a 
 slightly complaining tone, "I never said any 
 thing of the kind, for I know some really lovely 
 people in Washington who wear some rather 
 decent lace, except when they go to official 
 functions* I said that that Bob Billings and his 
 conduct with Mrs* Jack Daring are shocking/ 
 
 "True, my dear, true," the Major said, 
 apologetically. "It was stupid in me not to so 
 divine when you referred to poor Bob as 4 that 
 Bob Billings. Now, do you know that that 
 4 that that that feeling prompted you to modify 
 Bob s name with is one which I view with alarm, 
 and tremble to discover in our midst ? There is 
 
 177 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 a frosty refinement of satire suggested thereby 
 which would be unendurable to my sensitive 
 nature had it not enabled me to reply in a sen 
 tence including five consecutively placed that s/ 
 which I have long longed " 
 
 " Major," interrupted Mrs* Max softly, but 
 with an anguished look, " Major, will you please 
 not to talk that way if I tell you something 
 good?" 
 
 44 Madam, I will not talk any way what 
 soever so long as you entrance by telling me 
 anything." 
 
 44 Well, that vintage champagne came to 
 day*" 
 
 44 And has been unboxed ? " 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "And iced?" 
 
 "A case*" 
 
 44 A case, with reasonable moderation, will 
 answer, I think, for an evening. Will you order 
 a twelfth of a case uncorked r Thanks. You 
 were ever kind and thoughtful. In the presence 
 of this did I say I would not talk 4 like that ? 
 Madam, you behold in me, for the rest of the 
 evening, a clam ; an absorbent, admiring clam." 
 
 The Major put down his glass and re 
 garded Mrs. Max admiringly. Indeed she de 
 served his admiration, for the glass she, too, had 
 emptied had smoothed the only 44 wrinkle in the 
 178 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 rose leaf " ever observed in that charming lady s 
 appearance; that is, an impression rather than 
 an expression of being slightly bored* 
 
 The setter observed the change in her ap 
 pearance, and, as he likes her best when she 
 appears interested in anything, gravely walked 
 to her side and put one big paw in her lap, pre 
 tending the while, as if not to spoil her with too 
 much attention, to be observing the wine-cooler 
 by her side, which gave his head and ears a 
 pretty, drooping pose* 
 
 "What I was going to say," said Mrs* 
 Max after a silent appreciation of the admira 
 tion she felt she was receiving, " was that Bob 
 Billings makes me impatient with his annual 
 trip to New York for no other purpose than to 
 dangle at the belt of Mrs* Jack* If he won t 
 marry, which he ought to do, then why doesn t 
 he start a new flirtation, as other men do ? " 
 
 "My dear," exclaimed the Major, "con 
 stancy is a virtue I have never heard con 
 demned by woman until now*" 
 
 "You don t understand, Major," Mrs* 
 Max said, putting one dainty hand on the set 
 ter s broad head* " You don t understand, and 
 you don t wish to, I fancy*" 
 
 14 What, not wish to unveil Isis ? " 
 
 " What I mean is that I am not so angry 
 with Bob as being sorry for him* Mrs* Jack is 
 
 179 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 not nearly as attractive as she was when Bob 
 first began his you understand when he first 
 joined ner train, you know* I don t say she is 
 falling off, for Mrs. Jack dresses as well as she 
 ever did. It is not fair for a woman to keep a 
 man like Bob, who is really growing handsomer 
 every day, keep him in attendance when he 
 would quickly enough be taken up, if he were 
 free, by plenty of young married women, who care 
 for that sort of a thing, you know; care for a 
 showy, innocent flirtation, don t you know ? " 
 
 During this speech the Major s eyes opened 
 ever wider and wider. He tried hard to con 
 ceal his appreciation that Mrs. Max had taken 
 a new and for her a daring viewpoint of a 
 phase of social relations which she usually re 
 fused to see except from a distance, and with 
 half-closed eyes. He directed the delight he 
 could not wholly conceal, and which would 
 have warned her if she had recognized it, toward 
 the wine. He thereby obtained another glassful. 
 Then he remarked with affected indifference : 
 
 44 This seems to me to be a matter in which 
 Mrs. Jack must be held guiltless of even bad 
 form. Probably, if she were tired of Bob s at 
 tentions, she could not divert them. You see, a 
 man like him, ten months in the year in a fron 
 tier army post, seeing nothing of women of his 
 social class, keeps always fresh and sentimental 
 
 180 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 in his memory such a woman as Mrs Jack after 
 he has happened to start an innocent flirtation 
 with her* He sees no one else to distract him, 
 and goes mooning along, from guard mount to 
 taps, always with the same face in his mind. 
 Really, it is rather stupid of Bob/ 
 
 "It isn t anything of the kind/ Mrs. Max 
 responded with some spirit* " I don t object to 
 Bob mooning out in the wilds about the last 
 woman he flirted with here ; but I do object to 
 Mrs. Jack taking such precious good care 
 that she shall be that woman. Don t you 
 suppose if she gave him a chance he d 
 have the fun of falling in love with another 
 woman ? " 
 
 "Falling in love?" 
 
 44 Certainly. A man like Bob is entitled to 
 the fun of falling in love with a different woman 
 every year, and he d be ever so much more in 
 teresting if he did." 
 
 44 Madam, you discourage me. Here have 
 I been your devoted slave and admirer for more 
 than three years, and thereby keeping myself 
 uninteresting." 
 
 44 Major, do not be foolish. You are mar 
 ried. Besides that you married a young wife, 
 and you will be interesting only so long as you 
 remain in love with her. I am much younger 
 than Mrs. Jack." 
 
 ifti 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 44 My dear, you are a mere infant/ said 
 Major Max, walking over to where she had 
 strolled by a portiere, beneath an Empire mirror 
 "but," he continued, lifting her hand to his 
 lips, 44 a wise infant, and I long for more of your 
 views concerning the case of Captain Bob and 
 Mrs. Jack" 
 
 44 1 invited that Mrs* Violet Slanguered to 
 dinner the other evening only to give Bob a 
 chance, for she is young, pretty, and would flirt 
 with a wooden Indian if nothing else offered. 
 But you saw how Mrs. Jack, who is, of course, 
 cleverer, fenced Violet off the instant Jack began 
 to take notice*" 
 
 44 Now that you mention it, I believe I did 
 observe Mrs. lack constructing a wire fence 
 around Bob that evening, but the reason why 
 did not penetrate my denser masculine under 
 standing," the Major said. 4i But your informa 
 tion amazes. You, usually the most lucid 
 woman in the world, have left me now in an 
 anguish o perplexity. Could you not, in easy 
 words of one syllable, untangle the problem? 
 So far as I am able to understand, you have re 
 ceded with such momentum from the position 
 that it is wrong for Bob to flirt with a married 
 woman that you have landed squarely on the 
 precious plank that it is wrong for him not to 
 flirt with every married woman." 
 182 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 " With every married woman who likes to 
 flirt," corrected Mrs* Max* 
 
 "The distinction is more apparent than 
 real," said the Major to the setter* "Then 
 your objection to Mrs* Jack s flirting is not, in 
 fact, that she flirts, but that she continues a flirta 
 tion with Bob to the exclusion of Violet et al* 
 Am I right ? " 
 
 44 1 don t care anything about Violet in the 
 matter* She is a woman, and can change her 
 flirtation as often as she likes," Mrs* Max said* 
 
 "My mental darkness is becoming Cim 
 merian*" 
 
 " You mean that you want me to ring for 
 another bottle of wine* You always do when 
 you use words I don t understand*" 
 
 " Which you understand perfectly, as you 
 prove," the Major remarked as his wife rang* 
 
 Mrs* Max walked over to the Major s 
 chair and sat on its arm before she resumed, in 
 a now-I ll-be-honest tone* 
 
 " It s like this, Major : There is something 
 actually pathetic to most women in such a case 
 as Bob Billings * Every woman flirts " 
 
 "Madam!" 
 
 " More or less " 
 
 "Madam!" 
 
 " Some time in her life*" 
 
 "Ah! I am relieved*" 
 
The Emancipation of Mrs. Max. 
 
 "You would not let me finish* Well, 
 really, Major, I don t know just how to go on." 
 
 44 1 observe no lack of progress*" 
 
 "Well, then, honest women do men an 
 awful lot of good by flirting with them. It er 
 it brightens them, and er refines them, 
 don t you know. If I had a brother, I should 
 want him to flirt a great deal with many differ 
 ent married women." 
 
 44 This is social anarchism ! " exclaimed the 
 Major gravely, returning a wink from the setter. 
 
 44 Listen. But if a man keeps up even the 
 most innocent affair I mean a single man with 
 a married woman year after year, he becomes 
 what do you say ? mauvais ton ? " 
 
 "Vulgar?" 
 
 44 Not quite that. Bob could never be that ; 
 but both conspicuous and cowed. I guess there 
 is no word for it. It isn t nice, Major. The 
 nicest women would not keep as good a chap 
 as Bob in a position where he is sure to become 
 oh, there must be a word ! not quite rough 
 ened, you know, but blunted somehow. Not that 
 Mrs. Jack isn t nice, but you must have noticed 
 the way she wore that rose in her corsage the 
 other evening. I feel so badly about the whole 
 affair that I m really sorry that Bob insists upon 
 treating me as your daughter instead of your 
 wife ; lor if he did not, I d flirt with him myseli" 
 184 
 
Snails and Paternalism* 
 
OW, my caring for snails is, or, SNAILS 
 rather it should be, as it affects AND 
 my neighbors, the same as my PATER- 
 being a Paternalist : it is none NALI SM. 
 of their business. As I have 
 begun to explain, I have taken 
 one dozen Burgundian snails, 
 and-" 
 
 44 But, Major I" interrupted Mrs* Max anx 
 iously, "what in ever was that you said you 
 were ? A pater paternal what ! " 
 
 "A Paternalist, my dear," answered the 
 Major patiently. " That is what I am politically, 
 a Paternalist/ 
 
 "Oh, politically, I thought it meant some 
 thing about something why, something dif 
 ferent besides politics, don t you know/ 
 
 "No. They are quite the same thing; 
 snails, politics, paternalism, when you don t 
 understand them. I was about to add to your 
 information in the matter of snails." 
 
 Mrs. Max handled the new silver snail 
 tongs and picks with much interest ; observed 
 that if the snails were as nice as the tongs, 
 which were the spring kind you press together 
 when you want them to go apart ; and added 
 
 187 
 
Snails and Paternalism. 
 
 that she was sure, with a singular lack of con 
 viction, considering her form of expression* 
 
 The event was one of the Major s culinary 
 surprises* He is very fond of snails " bourguig- 
 nonnes*" He sent some home a couple of weeks 
 ago, but the cook, having only vaguely regarded 
 his instructions as to their preparation, put them 
 in cold water and did not put the water on the 
 stove, whereupon they crawled out of their shells, 
 and were thereafter observed by the horrified 
 cook disporting themselves on the ceiling and 
 walls* The butler had to be pressed into ser 
 vice to remove them, the cook having fainted* 
 That was why the Major determined, when he 
 next observed a fresh arrival from France, to 
 take them home and give the cook an object 
 lesson by preparing them himself* The com 
 placency of Mrs* Max had been insured by a 
 present of the tongs and picks, and they were 
 now anticipating the arrival of the snails at the 
 dinner table, the Major improving the oppor 
 tunity for a description of his preparation of the 
 44 escargots* " 
 
 44 As I was saying," continued the Major, 
 44 1 took my pretty little dozen of snails in their 
 shells and threw them into a pot of boiling 
 water, into which I had previously thrown a 
 pinch of soda some highly respected authori 
 ties prefer wood ashes*" 
 its 
 
Snails and Paternalism. 
 
 44 Are they seasoned with ashes, Major ?" 
 asked Mrs* Max in some alarm* 
 
 44 They were yet a long way off from their 
 seasoning* After they had boiled for fifteen 
 minutes I took them out of their shells and still 
 further cleansed them in several waters* and 
 then boiled them* still out of their shells you 
 will observe* my dear* for another fifteen 
 minutes* Then I again threw them into cold 
 water* Then* to make the shells perfectly clean 
 and presentable* I gave them a separate clean 
 ing* Next I made a most delectable paste of 
 some finely chopped parsley* garlic don t look 
 shocked* my dear* the beauty of the Italian 
 women s eyes comes* not from their souls* but 
 from garlic and green onions* which with salt 
 and pepper I worked into mellow fresh butter. 
 Then I went to the club for a couple of hours 
 and gave Jack Daring a few points in pool*" 
 
 "No wonder* Major* our cook couldn t pre 
 pare the snails* She nas no club to go to*" 
 
 44 True," said the Major gravely* 44 How 
 ever, there is a policeman on our block* Then 
 I returned, wiped my shells dry, and thoroughly 
 drained the snails* I put a little of the butter 
 paste in each shell, and crowded in on top of it a 
 snail, then over each snail I superimposed more 
 of the paste, set all those snails from the vineclad 
 hills of Burgundy, with their fine open faces up- 
 
 189 
 
Snails and Paternalism. 
 
 ward, into a pan, with a prayer to your now 
 completely subjugated cook-lady to put them 
 into a hot oven, on the middle shelf, to give them 
 a thorough quick heating before they were 
 served, and here they come ! " 
 
 And they came piping hot in the pan in 
 which they had been heated, their spicy garlic 
 odors delighting the Major, amazing his wife, 
 and quite obfuscating the pretty waiting maid, 
 whose already upward-tilted nose aspired to yet 
 more heavenly angles* 
 
 When the Major had served them, six on 
 madam s plate, six on his own, she regarded 
 them with evidences of a desire to retreat, which 
 only the restraining influence of the picks and 
 tongs overcame, and asked, timidly: 
 
 "Now what do we do?" 
 
 "This," answered the Major* "You 
 secure the shell with your tongs thus, extract 
 the snail with the pick thus, and then " A 
 silent but eloquent object lesson followed as the 
 snail passed the Major s lips, and the lesson 
 closed as the Major drank the spicy sauce from 
 the shell 
 
 Mrs* Max breathed hard and looked a bit 
 pale, but she faithfully obeyed the instructions 
 of her lord and master, blinked hard a few 
 times, and then her fair face was wreathed in 
 the smile of a soothed palate* 
 190 
 
Snails and Paternalism. 
 
 44 
 
 Paternalism, as I understand it," resumed 
 the Major, "is that system of politics which 
 acknowledges the grand truth that the majority 
 is always wrong* It gives to the minority the 
 control of the resources and products of the peo 
 ple with the wise understanding that the use and 
 distribution of those resources and products will 
 be determined in a manner to result in the great 
 est good to the greatest number* Let me ex 
 plain by illustration : You and the setter dog 
 constitute a majority in this room; I am the 
 minority* We have upon the table a bottle of 
 Bordeaux; among our resources is some ex 
 cellent Burgundy ; yet neither you nor the setter 
 have had the wisdom to suggest that we open 
 a bottle of Burgundy at this dinner, whereas 
 that suggestion is in the mind of the minority, 
 lodged mere possibly by the coincidental fact 
 that these snails, too, are from Burgundy, and 
 of the variety which is found in the vineyards*" 
 
 Mrs* Max rang the bell, and remarked, 
 after she had given an order to carry out the 
 wise decree of the minority : 
 
 "I should think, Major, that with your 
 splendid ideas of politics you would run for office 
 some time*" 
 
 "You misapprehend, my dear," said the 
 Major, as he lovingly poured the Burgundy* 
 44 1 nave a better idea of office than of politics*" 
 
Mrs, Max s Flirtation, 
 
OW is it," Mrs. Max asked, 
 
 peering at the Major across MAX S 
 the candles and roses, why is FLOTATION. 
 it that whenever one starts to 
 put on her right glove she 
 always finds that it is the left 
 glove she has picked up ? " 
 "It is because when you want to go to 
 Harlem you always strike a Fifty-eighth street 
 train ; but whether that proves that one should 
 never go to Harlem or never wear gloves is a 
 question potent of too many dangerous corol 
 laries to be discussed in polite society, " replied 
 the Major* "For instance, my dear, if we 
 were to permit ourselves to indulge the discus 
 sion, it could be demonstrated by pure logic 
 that if you should not wear gloves, owing to 
 the fact that you invariably pick up the wrong 
 one first, I should never return home at night, 
 because I invariably first produce from my 
 pocket my desk-key instead of my house-key 
 when I want to let myself in at the front door. 
 Thus, while urban gayeties might be prolong 
 ed, the family, the unit of society, would be 
 torn by more than conflicting emotions, and " 
 44 Major/ interrupted Mrs. Max, " I some- 
 
 195 
 
Mrs. Max s Flirtation. 
 
 times think one drinks more champagne out of 
 these big Bohemian glasses than when one uses 
 champagne glasses* 
 
 44 And was that fact suggested to you by 
 anything I have recently said?" asked the 
 Major dubiously* 
 
 44 No, indeed ! " Mrs* Max replied earnest 
 ly, "I heard every word you said that you 
 had tost your door-key, wasn t it ? I was only 
 thinking what a horrid fashion that is, drinking 
 whiskey and water at dinner* At Mrs* Jack 
 Daring s dinner the other evening half of the 
 men and even some of the women drank 
 whiskey and water* It s English, I know, but 
 abominable* " 
 
 "Therefore abominable, you mean," the 
 Major exclaimed with emphasis* "Whiskey 
 and water as an after-dinner beverage needs no 
 defence* As a dinner beverage it is excusable 
 only when gout is admitted by the drinker* 
 For a diner not gouty to decline champagne in 
 favor of whiskey denotes a mind capable of im 
 itation only a simian mind* It indicates an 
 intellect arrested; a soul warped by an over 
 mastering desire to achieve greatness at the ex 
 pense of individuality* It denotes " 
 
 44 But Mrs* Jack is perfectly good form, 
 and she drank wliiskey and water* 
 
 44 Mrs* Jack has the gout. " 
 196 
 
Mrs. Max s Flirtation. 
 
 "Major!" 
 
 44 1 repeat to you in the strictest confidence 
 what Jack told me under the same conditions ; 
 Mrs* Jack has experienced symptoms of the gout 
 in her Trilby toes* " 
 
 44 How do you know her toes are Trilby 
 toes ? " 
 
 44 When she was eight years old* " replied 
 the Major gravely* 44 1 taught her to swim, and 
 her toes were disclosed to my admiring gaze* " 
 
 44 1 don t see how you can remember so 
 long," Mrs* Max said, smiling inquiringly* 
 Then she added soberly : 44 1 thought she was 
 drinking whiskey and water just because Bob 
 Billings did* She always does the strangest 
 things when Bob is here* She had the cucum 
 bers served with the roast instead of with the 
 shad the other night*" 
 
 44 Which, barbarous as it was* " comment 
 ed the Major* 44 did not impress me with the 
 same depressing emotions I felt when I saw 
 Mrs* Jack standing on the stairs in front of the 
 balcony railing of their music-room* Can you* 
 with your feminine perspicacity* direct my mind 
 along a channel wherein it may flow with rea 
 sonable calmness until it has arrived at some 
 placid pool of understanding in this regard ? " 
 
 44 Of course you are talking nonsense, 
 Major," said Mrs* Max, "but if you really 
 
Mrs. Max s Flirtation. 
 
 want to know why Mrs* Jack stood near the 
 top of the stairs in front of the balcony railing 
 while she sang, it was just to make a picture of 
 herself. And she had Jack and Bob grouped 
 back of her to form a background for the same 
 purpose* " 
 
 44 You relieve my mind, my dear* From 
 where we were, you know, on tne opposite side 
 of the gallery, we could not see the stairway, and 
 I was in a painful state of mind as to what Mrs* 
 Jack was standing on* I merely observed that 
 she was not standing upon ceremony, for that 
 most audacious woman was flirting with her 
 own husband, if ever Jack Daring was flirted 
 with in his life* " 
 
 Mrs* Max giggled a little, and said : "Real 
 ly, Major, it was very clever of you to discover 
 mat* Of course every woman in the room 
 saw it instantly, but I had no idea that there 
 was a man there clever enough to find it out* " 
 
 44 1 did feel proud of the discovery, " the 
 Major said with great humility, 44 and if I had 
 been able to find out why she was doing it I 
 should have felt that the evening was not with 
 out profit in the matter of accumulating that 
 character of worldly wisdom which alone can 
 arm us against the wiles of those who would 
 sell social gold bricks to us* I should really 
 like to know for another purpose ; I want to tell 
 198 
 
Mrs. Max s Flirtation. 
 
 Jack* That poor devil stood there twisting his 
 mustache, a picture of bewilderment, when his 
 wife was making eyes at him* He was too 
 bewildered even to enjoy the novelty of the sit 
 uation* " 
 
 "Do you really want to know?" asked 
 Mrs* Max gently* digging the setter dog s ribs 
 with the point of her shoe* 
 
 "My dear," the Major responded with 
 much seriousness, " to prove to you how wild 
 ly anxious I am to know, I will agree, if you 
 will tell me, to impart to you my most cherished 
 secret, the proportions of vermouth and Amer 
 Picon which rightly belong in a Max cock 
 tail*" 
 
 44 You have been trying to tell me that ever 
 since we were married, so that I could save you 
 the trouble of mixing them* If you will not in 
 form me, Til tell you why Mrs* Jack was flirt 
 ing with her husband* " 
 
 " I am silent* " 
 
 44 It was because, " said Mrs* Max, smiling, 
 but the point of her shoe made the setter whine, 
 44 it was because I had been doing what for a 
 year I have been threatening to do " 
 
 44 Madam, you agitate and alarm me ; you 
 are also spoiling the setter s coat* End this 
 suspense ! " 
 
 "It was," resumed Mrs* Max, smiling 
 
 199 
 
Mrs. Max s Flirtation. 
 
 still more, but the setter slowly moved around 
 the table toward the Major ; " it was because I 
 had been flirting desperately all the evening 
 with Bob myself. " 
 
 44 Madam ! " 
 
 44 1 told you I had half a notion to do so to 
 save him from Mrs. Jack. Well, that night I 
 had the whole notion. Do you know, Major, 
 Bob has been tied to Mrs. Jack s apron-strings 
 so long he doesn t know how to flirt any more 
 or else I don t. " 
 
 200 
 
UST me and the murdered lady HOW THE 
 was the only American ladies in OTHER HALF 
 the tenement," said the woman DIES. 
 who had given Tommy a piece 
 of crust with some sugar on it* 
 Tommy could not eat the 
 crust, and did not seem to care 
 
 even for the sugar, for after he had held it to his 
 pale lips a moment he let it drop from his little 
 weak fingers to the floor, where two larger 
 children fought for it until one of the Italian 
 women rapped them over their heads and drove 
 them out of the room, still snarling and fighting* 
 
 Pietro, the old Italian boarder, who held 
 Tommy in his arms, crooned, " Poor Towmy I 
 Poor Towmy ! " and tried to place the baby s 
 arms about his own brown and wrinkled neck, 
 but Tommy s hands dropped to his side, too 
 weak to do anything else* 
 
 "Her name was Maggie," continued the 
 American to the stranger* " She come here 
 from Cherry Hill and took up with a Guinny 
 here in Mulberry Bend* He abused her terrible, 
 and the chair is too good for him*" * 
 
 Some of the Italian men scowled at the 
 
 * The electrical execution chair. 
 
 203 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 word " Guinny*" They could not understand 
 all the American woman said, but they caught 
 that word and showed their resentment* The 
 Italian women, who could understand less 
 English than the men, moaned, "Oh, Gesu! 
 Oh, Gesu ! Oh, Santa Maria ! " their feelings 
 moved more by the excitement than by horror 
 at the crime or sorrow for the murdered woman. 
 Maggie had not been popular in that back tene 
 ment, nor in the court in front of it, where 
 nearly all the life they knew went on* 
 
 44 Poor Towmy ! Poor Towmy ! " crooned 
 old Pietro, patting the child s thin, dirty little 
 hands with one of his big hard palms. 
 
 Tommy turned his pale, pinched face and 
 big, beautiful, hopeless eyes toward Pietro, 
 sighed wearily, and then his eyelids drooped and 
 closed ; not in sleep, in languor* 
 
 44 1 wonder will the Society Agent be here 
 first, or the wagon," a young woman they 
 called Lena said, with an air of important 
 anticipation* 
 
 44 The wagon, sure," answered Lizzie, the 
 American woman, as one understanding the 
 governmental affairs of Mulberry Bend better 
 than any one else not born there could* 
 
 Lena had come from the other side of the 
 Bowery, Hester street way* She took up with 
 a pickpocket, not of her race, and had been 
 204 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 driven from her people s colony. Even on the 
 Bend she dared not go round to the Baxter 
 street side of the block, for they are nearly all 
 Jews there ; as nearly so as on the Mulberry 
 street side they are Italians* So she was practi 
 cally a prisoner in the tenement and its court, 
 because the police would not let her go out on 
 the street on her own side of the block, since the 
 orders came from Headquarters to keep the 
 women out of the saloons there for the protection 
 of Jack ashore* 
 
 44 It s near time for the wagon, then, ain t 
 it ? " Lena asked of Lizzie. 
 
 44 Sure not," Lizzie responded. 44 Hasn t 
 the cop to go to the Tombs with Joe and wait till 
 he is held ? And then the Sergeant sends word 
 to the Coroner, and he sends the wagon. I 
 know well how it s done." 
 
 Lena was impressed by this display of 
 superior knowledge, and remained silent for a 
 time. She looked into the closet bedroom, 
 where Maggie s body was huddled in the corner 
 where she nad fallen on her knees while Joe 
 slashed her life out. 
 
 The policeman had taken away only Joe 
 and the knife; all else in the blood-spattered 
 room remained as it was an hour ago, when the 
 startled tenants rushed in and found Tommy 
 crawling over the body, and Joe, maniacally 
 
 205 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 drunk, laughing and sobbing and cursing on 
 Pietro s bed in the room where the crowd was 
 now, one of the two rooms occupied by Joe and 
 Maggie and Tommy and the boarder. 
 
 44 1 wonder couldn t we do something to 
 make Maggie look decenter," Lena whispered, 
 after a long pause, during which the only sounds 
 had been the moaning of the women, "Oh, 
 Gesu ! " and the crooning of old Pietro, 44 Poor 
 Towmy ! Poor Towmy ! " 
 
 44 1 wonder you want to go to the Island/ 
 Lizzie snapped back harshly. "Don t you 
 know you d get pinched if you touched the body 
 before the wagon comes ? When Mollie 
 Arditti s Johnnie fell from the window and was 
 dead before Mollie got there, and she carried 
 him up to her room, didn t the wagon men 
 threaten to send her to the Island for making 
 them climb all the stairs, when the kid died in 
 the court? That s the law. Ain t it, Mr. 
 Moran?" 
 
 Mr. Moran was the policeman left on 
 guard until the wagon and the Society Agent 
 should come to take the body and the baby. He 
 was seated by the window, on the only chair in 
 the room, reading a newspaper. He told the 
 women to shut their mouths and not trouble 
 him. 
 
 The room where the tenants were gathered 
 206 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 was not more than ten feet wide and not quite 
 so deep as that, for the back tenements are 
 shallow buildings* Still the owner felt justified 
 in crowding two sets of rooms on each floor ; a 
 two-room set in front looking out on the court, 
 and a three-room set in the rear there was 
 more space there, the stair-well being in front 
 looking out on the sheds where the wagon 
 peddlers stabled their horses* 
 
 The larger of the two rooms, the one in 
 which the neighbors were, contained the stove, 
 a tin trunk which Joe had brought with him 
 from Italy, one chair, and Pietro s cot* In the 
 little room adjoining there was only a bundle of 
 blankets and clothes on which Joe, Maggie, 
 and Tommy slept* 
 
 Pietro paid the rent for both rooms, but he 
 had, besides his bed, his breakfast and dinner 
 when there was anything to cook and Maggie 
 was sober enough to prepare a meal* This was 
 not often lately, but Pietro did not complain, for 
 he was fond of little two-year-old Tommy, and 
 as Pietro was the only person in the world who 
 ever treated him kindly, ever treated him at all, 
 except to kick him out of the way, Tommy was 
 fond of Pietro* 
 
 44 How did this happen, any way ? " asked 
 the policeman lazily when he had finished read 
 ing his paper* He was not much interested in 
 
 207 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 the case, for he had not assisted in making the 
 arrests, and would not be mentioned in the 
 newspaper stories* 
 
 44 Joe was drunk last night," Lizzie began, 
 when Lena interrupted with : 
 
 "No drunker than Maggie* She filled 
 that bottle three times to my knowing." 
 
 Lena pointed to a soda-water bottle on the 
 cold stove* 
 
 44 Three times is 15 cents," said the officer. 
 " Where d she get the price ? " 
 
 The women looked at each other know 
 ingly, but did not answer the officer s ques 
 tion* 
 
 Lizzie continued : "Joe s been up against it 
 three days, spending the rent Pietro gave him ; 
 but I heard him come in last night* He was 
 drunk, but he did not beat Maggie* This morn 
 ing he found the dispossess notice, and that 
 made him mad, though it was him that spent 
 Pietro s money that should have gone to pay 
 the rent, and he beat Maggie till Pietro got him 
 to stop* Joe went out then and got drunk 
 again* When he came back Pietro was gone, 
 and Joe done Maggie with the knife*" 
 
 " Oh, Gesu ! Oh, Santa Maria ! " moaned 
 the Italian woman to whom the men were 
 making a running translation of Lizzie s story. 
 
 "roor Towmy! Poor Towmy!" mur- 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 mured Pietro, gently touching the child s still 
 face resting against his breast. 
 
 44 Joe. hadn t worked for a week/ said Lena* 
 
 "Well, an honest man can t find work 
 every day/ Lizzie exclaimed* 
 
 This was a stab at Lena, whose man was 
 a pickpocket, and when it was translated to the 
 Italian women they shrugged their shoulders 
 and turned their backs on Lena* Their hus 
 bands were honest men* Some gathered waste 
 paper, some peddled fruit from pushcarts, and 
 some swept the streets* 
 
 " Well, he had a right not to ask her to 
 make a living for him and women chased off 
 the streets ! " Lena retorted angrily* 
 
 No one responded to this, and she added, 
 going over by the policeman s chair and looking 
 out of the window: "I wonder the wagon 
 wouldn t come*" 
 
 She looked out on the stone-paved court, 
 where, through a network of intervening 
 clotheslines, she could see women and children 
 sorting paper from the big bags the men brought 
 in from their carts on the street ; writing-paper 
 in one pile, newspaper in another, glazed paper 
 in a third, and straw paper and board in a 
 fourth* They were not working with their 
 usual sombre industry and disregard of all else, 
 by which the whole family, helping the husband 
 
 209 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 and father, can sometimes make $5 a week* 
 There was an unusual and powerful outside 
 interest which made them frequently cast 
 anxious and expectant glances at the mouth of a 
 tunnel-like passageway which led to the street* 
 It was through that passageway the wagon men 
 must come with the box* Now and then one, 
 more impatient than the others, would send a 
 child out to the street to inquire if the wagon 
 was in sight* Lena overheard one of the chil 
 dren return and report that the wagon could 
 not yet be seen from either end of the bend, and 
 then she said to Lizzie : " Come into my room* 
 I have the price*" 
 
 As she passed Pietro she stopped, patted 
 the baby s hands, and said : " Pll send out for 
 some milk for Tommy*" 
 
 Pietro smiled his delight* He had given 
 Joe all of his money, ten cents, in the morning, 
 as a bribe to stop beating Maggie, and he sor 
 rowed that he could not buy milk for the baby* 
 
 "Poor Towmy! Poor Towmy!" he 
 said ; " Towmy like-a milk, good-a milk*" 
 
 The two women went into the back room 
 on the floor below, and sent out one of the 
 children in the hall with eight cents and two 
 bottles five cents for the gin and three cents 
 for the milk* The bottles were soon returned 
 filled, and a mouthful of gin was given to the 
 
 aio 
 
Mow the Other Half Dies. 
 
 messenger he declined the milk for his ser 
 vices* 
 
 Pietro walked up and down the little room 
 with Tommy, up and down, up and down, 
 turning each time so that the baby might not 
 look into the next room where the thing was in 
 the corner. But Tommy would not have seen, 
 for his eyes were closed. Often Pietro went to 
 the hall and looked down the gloomy stairs to 
 see if the women were coming with the milk. 
 He could hear them shouting songs in the room 
 below, but no one came with the milk. 
 
 44 Poor Towmy ! Poor Towmy ! " crooned 
 the old man. He took off the red handkerchief 
 from his throat and laid it over Tommy s head, 
 for it was chill in the room. Pietro thought 
 hard of some other way of getting food Tommy 
 could eat. Some of the other women in the 
 house might send out for a penny s worth of 
 milk, he thought, but he dreaded to ask them 
 then. He knew they were all excited and ex 
 pectant over the event of the coming of the 
 wagon, and would resent any suggestion of a 
 task which might cause them to miss a detail of 
 the ceremony. 
 
 " After the wagon has come and gone, then, 
 if the Agent don t come soon, Til ask," thought 
 Pietro, and he held the baby closer to his rough 
 coat, for the room seemed more chill. 
 
 211 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 Suddenly the court was alive with excite 
 ment as a swarm of children poured into it 
 through the passage from the street* They 
 heralded the wagon men, and the windows of 
 the front and back tenements were instantly 
 crowded with women s heads* 
 
 There was a frantic rush up the stairs of 
 the back tenement ahead of the wagon men, 
 but this was roughly checked by the policemen 
 on guard* 
 
 The wagon had been delayed, and before 
 the men had gathered up what they came for the 
 agent arrived the agent of the Society which 
 rescues children from that life, when those who 
 could prevent such rescues by the law are in 
 jail or in the Morgue* Before the face of that 
 agent the children fled in terror and their 
 mothers hid them* 
 
 44 Where is the child ? " the agent asked as 
 he entered the room* 
 
 The women pointed to Pietro, who, fright 
 ened, smiled, clinging closer to Tommy* 
 
 The agent in a kindly manner took the 
 red handkerchief from off Tommy s head* He 
 looked at the baby, felt its pulse, placed his 
 ear to its heart, and then said to the wagon 
 men : 
 
 44 This goes with you too* It is not a case 
 for me*" 
 
 212 
 
How the Other Half Dies. 
 
 Pietro felt of the baby s face, gasped and 
 shrieked : 
 
 Oh, Gesu! Oh, Gesu! Poor Towmy! 
 Poor Towmy ! " and the women wailed, " Oh, 
 Madonna ! " 
 
At L Hotel de Blank* 
 
EW men now take their wives, AT 
 sisters, and daughters to the L HOTEL 
 Restaurant de PHotel de Blank, DE BLANK. 
 although many did so ten or 
 fifteen years ago* Yet it is al 
 ways crowded at dinner-time, 
 and there are husbands, bach 
 
 elors, and fathers there dining with well-dressed 
 women. But that is a suggestion of a social 
 problem it would certainly be hazardous and 
 probably profitless to discuss* This is a simple 
 story of a single incident, without moral or 
 problem. 
 
 The usual rattle of lively talk and noisy 
 bustle of waiters one evening there were sud 
 denly and strangely quieted, when a man of 
 about thirty-five years entered with an elderly 
 woman. 
 
 They looked around with hesitating inde 
 cision, until the head waiter, with a little more 
 than his usual ceremony, escorted them to a 
 central table. The woman, more than the 
 man, seemed to be conscious of the sudden 
 quiet their entrance had caused, and she, too, 
 excited the greater curiosity among the crowd of 
 diners. She was a lady. It was that fact 
 
 317 
 
At L Hotel de Blank. 
 
 which created the wonderment. She was 
 richly dressed in an old-fashioned style that had 
 a quaint look there, and this quaintness was 
 greatly emphasized by a long gray curl which 
 hung down from beneath her bonnet nearly to 
 her shoulder, in the mode of a generation ago. 
 The man was a gentleman, distinction and 
 breeding perfectly apparent in him, despite his 
 weather-beaten face and hands, and the evi 
 dence, in his dress, of some Western tailor s 
 machinations. 
 
 It was minutes before the diners resumed 
 their conversation, and even then the odd couple 
 continued to be the object of furtive inspection 
 from all sides. The talk went on in a lower 
 tone and in some way there had been a change 
 in the whole atmosphere of the place. 
 
 The next couple which entered the room 
 created something of a sensation too, but of a 
 different and more familiar kind. They were 
 recognized by many of the diners as they 
 walked straight to a table which had evidently 
 been reserved for them in the rear of the room, 
 where the woman took her place with her back 
 to the other diners. 
 
 She was a handsome girl, with a rebellious 
 
 face. Her costume in every particular was in 
 
 the fashion, but noticeable as being extreme in 
 
 those effects which hint the fashion of to-mor- 
 
 218 
 
At L Hotel de Blank. 
 
 row* As she passed the table where the odd 
 couple sat she turned her head aside to return 
 some greeting, and did not notice them, but the 
 lady with the gray curl saw her and started so 
 visibly that her companion asked : 
 " What is it, mother ?" 
 She hesitated a moment, and then said : 
 44 Why, that was Mr* Bronson who just 
 
 came in." 
 
 What, Frank ? " asked the man eagerly* 
 
 He half rose, with the evident intention of 
 following to the rear table* His mother laid her 
 hand on his arm to detain him, and as she did 
 so the man at the rear table rose, with a look of 
 amazement, and quickly walked over to them* 
 He greeted the mother with a deference in which 
 there was a slight constraint, and then grasped 
 the man s hand affectionately* 
 
 44 Why, my dear old Jack ! " he exclaimed* 
 44 1 thought you were still out in the West dig 
 ging gold or killing Indians or whatever you 
 have been doing these dozen years* I can 
 hardly believe my eyes seeing you here*" 
 
 There was a slight and peculiar accent on 
 the 44 here " which the speaker seemed to impose 
 tentatively, but it carried no special meaning to 
 the man who heard, for he responded frankly 
 and heartily : 
 
 "Just got in an hour ago* Mother met me 
 
 219 
 
At L Hotel de Blank. 
 
 in Philadelphia, where she was visiting, and, as 
 our house is closed, I insisted on coming here 
 for dinner the old place, you know. But 
 changed somehow, isn t it ? " 
 
 Frank gave a curious glance at the mother 
 before he answered : 
 
 " I don t think many of the old set come 
 here often now* I fancy you have not been 
 here for some time, Mrs. Harrison. I still dine 
 here occasionally/ 
 
 44 If any of your people are with you, we 
 can get a larger table and dine together," said 
 Jack. 
 
 44 No, no ! No one you know, old man. 
 I ll see you at the club to-morrow," replied 
 Frank hastily, and bowing again to Mrs. Har 
 rison, he returned to his own table. 
 
 Jack looked at his mother in surprise. 
 
 "That s not much like Frank," he said. 
 What is the matter ? The place has 
 changed." 
 
 He looked about at the people more critic 
 ally than he had before. 
 
 "Perhaps we should have gone some 
 where else, as you suggested, mother. But I 
 have been dreaming for a month of the dinner 
 I d order here. I used to amuse myself out 
 there with Thompson, my mining partner, tell 
 ing him about this restaurant. By the way, 
 
 320 
 
At L Hotel de Blank. 
 
 mother, you have said very little in your letters 
 for a year about his daughter, Nina* Her 
 father is your devoted slave for what you did 
 for her when I that is, we sent her to you 
 four years ago to be put in school. Was she 
 not a lovely girl, mother? I had hard work, 
 after we struck it rich/ to prevail on her father 
 to let her come here for some polishing* I think 
 he gave in at last because he suspected then 
 what I must tell you now, mother that I love 
 Nina, and wanted her fitted to be your daugh 
 ter* Mother ! What is the matter ? " 
 
 44 Nothing, my boy* It is close here, and 
 I am excited by your return, and and I think 
 we had better go home, John." 
 
 Nearly every one turned and looked curi 
 ously at the odd couple as they left the restaur 
 ant he tenderly anxious; she pale and trem 
 bling, leaning on his arm* 
 
 "What s the sensation, Frank?" asked 
 Bronson s companion, who had noticed the little 
 commotion but had not turned round, for her 
 glass was being filled with champagne and she 
 was waiting impatiently for that* 
 
 "Why, it s a curious story," exclaimed 
 Bronson* 44 When I left you a moment ago it 
 was to speak to an old friend of mine who has 
 just returned from the wilds, and the innocent 
 chap had brought his mother here to dine* His 
 
 221 
 
At L Hotel de Blank. 
 
 mother ; think of it ! She lives down in this 
 part of town belongs to an old swell set but 
 I dare say did not know, any more than he, just 
 what sort of gang patronizes this place now/ 
 
 The woman was looking at him wickedly* 
 
 44 Well, just what sort of a gang does pat 
 ronize this place, now?" she asked slowly, 
 in a voice that did not match her eyes. 
 
 44 Well, we are pretty regular customers 
 ourselves, for instance," he replied with a laugh. 
 
 44 Oh, I see," said the girl What is your 
 innocent friend s name ? " 
 
 44 Jack Harrison. Why, what the devil is 
 the matter with you, Nina ? " 
 
 222 
 
" Where Sorrow Has Trodden/ 
 
HE fellow appeared to be quietly "WHERE 
 laughing as he sat there on the SORROW 
 sand, his back against a sea- HAS 
 weed-draped rock* As I had TRODDEN. 
 observed no one else about, 
 and as the scene was anything 
 but mirth-provoking, I looked 
 
 around to see what it was that amused him. 
 Everything appeared just as it had already been 
 vividly photographed on my mind 
 
 "By the sands where sorrow has trodden; the salt- 
 pools, bitter and sterile ; 
 
 By the thundering reef, and the low sea-wall, and the 
 channel of years*" 
 
 Certainly there was nothing mirth-provok 
 ing in sight. The very heavens, low and gray, 
 were depressing ; the surf beat pitilessly against 
 the black rocks, whose long tresses of seaweed 
 swayed mournfully to and fro with the waves, 
 like a drowning woman s hair. A seabird, 
 sailing swiftly with the wind, passed close by 
 me, shrieking shrilly in my startled ears. 
 
 "Nothing," I said aloud in my annoy 
 ance, " to make a person laugh, unless" and I 
 
 225 
 
"Where Sorrow Has Trodden." 
 
 shuddered, the wind was so chill " unless he 
 be mad. " 
 
 I turned quickly ; perhaps my last thought 
 assisted my imagination, for it now seemed 
 that the fellow s eyes, looking straight at me, 
 had in them a senseless stare. I would not 
 have cared for that had not his teeth still shone 
 through his parted, smiling lips* It flashed 
 across my mind that once, while making some 
 studies in insanity, I had noticed that the insane 
 smile with their lips only smile with their lips, 
 with ready murder gleaming from their eyes* 
 
 I turned and walked back, hoping that 
 when I again approached the spot, which I 
 wanted to pass, he would either have left it or 
 assumed a more sane expression. I did not 
 walk far* I confess I was nervous with my 
 back to him; for I was alone and unarmed, and 
 if he was indeed mad, he might treacherously 
 
 sneak upon me No, he still sat there as I 
 
 quickly faced toward him again* He had not 
 altered his position, but one arm the one to 
 ward the water was swinging lazily as the 
 creeping tide timidly lapped it, shrank back, and 
 then lapped it again more boldly* 
 
 44 The man is crazy, " I suddenly exclaim 
 ed, " and will sit there and drown in the rising 
 filer* 
 
 What should I do ? 
 
 326 
 
"Where Sorrow Has Trodden." 
 
 The shrieking seabird swooped close to 
 the madman s head, envious of the prize the 
 tide was soon to grasp* 
 
 "Save yourself!" I shouted* It did not 
 move! Horror held me as motionless* The 
 senseless stare was changed to a glare of death 
 ly determination ; the smile seemed altered to a 
 mocking grin* The swelling water now sway 
 ed his legs, then suddenly his whole body relax 
 ed and sunk a little submitting without resist 
 ance to the embrace of death* 
 
 The motion startled me into action* Seiz 
 ing a rock* with which* if he should struggle* to 
 stun him to save him* I rushed toward the grin 
 ning creature* 
 
 God! 
 
 I staggered back* shivering* The tide had 
 come to claim its own : what it had there laid 
 out when life had just fled it now would bear 
 off to bury in its depths* 
 
 227 
 
The Way K. B. Came into Camp. 
 
OSH ! that was an awful steep THE 
 divide between Gold Hill, Nev*, WAY K. B. 
 and Downieville, Cal*, and the CAME INTO 
 stage coaches and freight teams CAMP. 
 had tough work of it making 
 the climb, even when the road 
 was in good condition* When 
 
 the mud was deep, or there was much snow, the 
 road was darned hard going, even with six 
 horses to a stage, or sixteen to a freighter* 
 
 44 It was one winter s day when there was 
 so much snow the stage agent allowed that 
 the stage would not go out until the road had 
 been broken by a freighter or two* That was 
 mighty inconvenient for Brown 4 Kettlebelly/ 
 we called him, but the newspaper fellows up in 
 Virginia City called him 4 K* B/ so much in 
 their stories he got to believe those were his 
 initials, although his baptism name was Lemuel. 
 
 44 Well, sir, Brown felt mighty sore about 
 the agent refusing to send out a stage, because 
 he had accepted an engagement to deal faro at 
 Alf Whitehead s bank in Downieville, and on 
 his promising to be there that very night Alf s 
 chief dealer had arranged to go to Sacramento, 
 where he was to take charge of a new bank* 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 That would leave Alf without a dealer, and it 
 was pay-day* Of course that wouldn t do, for 
 a pretty smooth chap from the Bay had just 
 opened a bank in Downieville, and if Alf s game 
 closed for want of a dealer on pay-day the new 
 bank would get all the trade, for a miner must 
 play against the bank on pay-day, or else it 
 don t seem like pay-day to him* 
 
 44 Well, sir, when the stage agent said he 
 would not buckle up to swing out, of course no 
 one else would, for if the stage horses couldn t 
 make the trip none others could. Cluggage 
 ran the line in those days, and, Lord ! you know 
 what kind of stock he had. His horses could 
 climb a tree if they had to, but the agent said 
 he d be damned if a head of stock left the barn 
 that day, even if the bonanza kings had to get 
 to Downieville, and he certainly wouldn t tor 
 Kettlebelly. 
 
 44 A lot of us were sitting around OrndorfPs 
 stove that was before Jim Orndorff moved up 
 Slippery Gulch to his swell place on C Street in 
 Virginia City sitting around discussing what 
 K. 6. could do, and it did seem like he couldn t 
 do anything but just sit there. 
 
 44 After a while K. B. got up, walked to the 
 
 front of the bar, and looked up at the snow on 
 
 the mountain, kind of savage like, when he saw 
 
 some miners who were building a sheeve with 
 
 232 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 twelve by twelve timber* He saw that the 
 heaviest piece they were handling didn t go 
 through the crust, and he says : 
 
 If it will bear that it will bear even me* 
 Fm going to walk over the divide! Fm not 
 going to give Alf Whitehead no double cross, 
 like refusing the trick* Fll deal bank in Down- 
 ieville this night or you ll find me cached in the 
 snow up there/ 
 
 44 Well* we thought he must be crazy, so 
 we all took a drink* but that didn t seem to do 
 him any good* for he kept right on : 
 
 44 4 It ain t very far/ says K* B* ; 4 the snow 
 crust will last all day if the sun don t come out 
 too strong, and I believe I can turn the trick* 
 
 44 Of course we all just naturally took 
 another drink, and then Jim set them up, and 
 then a young fellow who had come out from 
 Heidelburg to be an assayer says that he d 
 go, too* 
 
 44 Then that settles me, and I says I d go, 
 too, and we just naturally took another drink 
 and then got ready* We all wrapped gunny- 
 bags around our boots, each put a bottle of 
 wniskey and some pipes and tobacco and crack 
 ers in his overcoat pockets, and then, when we d 
 all had a drink, we started out* 
 
 "It wasn t very cold, but the crust was 
 good and hard, and the going wasn t bad, or 
 
 233 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 wouldn t have been bad if the hill hadn t been 
 so steep* 
 
 44 We didn t go round by the grade, you 
 understand, but straight up the side of the 
 mountain, and the pace that K* B* set was 
 awful, considering that in those days he didn t 
 weigh an ounce less than 300 pounds* You d 
 never know we were climbing over rough loose 
 rocks and sagebrush, for all these were buried 
 out of sight, and only the few digger pines 
 cropped up through the snow* 
 
 44 My ! but it was hard work* I suppose 
 we hadn t got more than half way up to the 
 ridge before that Heidelburg student gave out* 
 We tried to fire him up with liquor, but it 
 just naturally wasn t any use* He was a ten 
 derfoot, and probably hadn t got accustomed to 
 the kind of whiskey we drank on the Lode in 
 those days* 
 
 44 4 We ll cache him, then, said K* B*, and 
 he jumped up in the air, and when he came 
 down broke through the crust* He kind of 
 walloped around beneath the crust, making a 
 nice cave, and when he climbed out we cached 
 the student there, leaving him some of our share 
 of grub and tobacco, so he was quite comfort 
 able, but mighty drunk* 
 
 "Then K* B* and I made another start, 
 although, seeing how comfortable the assayer 
 234 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 was, I had a great notion to stay with him* 
 I m glad I didn t, for if I had I d never seen the 
 start of K* B* s journey on the other side* 
 
 "Before we got to the ridge I was just 
 naturally clean petered out* K* B* kept at me 
 to brace and get as far as the ridge, for then I 
 might be able to keep on, because the going 
 would be easier down-grade* I wasn t any 
 good even after we got there* I couldn t stand 
 on my feet a minute longer, although I drank 
 quite a considerable, too ; but the sun was out 
 strong then and the crust was getting soft* 
 
 44 When K* B* saw that I was clean petered, 
 he says : 
 
 44 4 All right, old son, I ll have to cache you, 
 too, for I m going on* 
 
 44 There was a little mound of snow just 
 over the ridge on the Downieville side, and 
 K* B* said it would make a good cave to cache 
 me in* Well, sir, K* B* stood above it and 
 jumped for it, landing kind of broadside as he 
 broke through the crust, and then the darndest 
 thing happened you ever heard of* The crust 
 around the edge of the mound broke away and 
 the mound, with K* B* plumb inside of it, top 
 pled over and started down the side of the 
 mountain* 
 
 "K* B* s weight made the ball so heavy 
 that it kept breaking through the crust, 
 
 235 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 was getting soft, anyhow, and the ball became 
 as big as a stage coach in a minute* 
 
 Well, sir, I thought there wasn t any 
 more laws of perspective, for the ball seemed to 
 be as big when it was a mile down the moun 
 tain as it was when it started ; but that was 
 because it was getting bigger as fast as it ought 
 to seem to grow smaller in the distance* You 
 understand/ 
 
 44 1 could see the houses in Downieville 
 away down there, and the snowball with K* B* 
 inside making straight for the biggest of them, 
 every now and then making a clean jump of a 
 hundred yards or so when a grade steeper than 
 the average would give it a greater headway, 
 and throwing up a trail of flying rocks and sage 
 brush in a way you might not believe if I hadn t 
 fortunately been there to see it myseE 
 
 44 Bang ! at last it struck the corner of that 
 house it was a solidly built log house and 
 split clean in two, and I could just see a black 
 speck fly out of the busted ball and land in a 
 snowdrift* 
 
 "Alf Whitehead told me the rest of the 
 story later* He was standing in front of his 
 place feeling awful bad, for he had let his dealer 
 go that morning and he thought the Gold Hill 
 stage wouldn t be over that day and there would 
 be no one to deal faro for him that night* He 
 236 
 
The Way K. B. Came Into Camp. 
 
 happened to look up the divide, and he saw that 
 big snowball come rolling down the mountain 
 side to beat hell, saw it tearing up the sage 
 brush by the roots, and was wondering whether 
 it would bust the log house or the log house 
 would bust it, when it struck, split, and K* B. 
 came flying through the air, and landed in a 
 snowdrift right in front of his place as soft as a 
 kitten in a basket* 
 
 44 K* B, just naturally accepted Alfs invita 
 tion to take a drink, and then sent up an expe 
 dition to rescue me, but I sent them on to get 
 the assayer, for I had no trouble in getting down 
 then, K* B/s snowball having made as fine a 
 road as ever you walked over in your life, not 
 even a rock or sage brush in it* 
 
 44 Well, sir, K, B* dealt in Alfs bank that 
 night, and the new fellow from the Bay didn t 
 have a player, all the boys being so tickled with 
 the way JK* B. had come into camp that they 
 stuck to his game." 
 
Mr. Fannie HallowelL 
 
"That the mark of rank in nature is capacity for 
 pain." 
 
 VERY one knew there was to be 
 no hard work that day, for the 
 coach would not take the chance 
 of laying up a player on the day 
 before the Springfield game. 
 The team and substitutes were 
 out on the field to " limber up," 
 and the work was nearly as much to " jolly " 
 the eleven as anything else, and that was the 
 reason Burton was put in the sixteen against 
 them. Nevertheless, as the men untangled 
 themselves from a good-natured scrimmage, 
 Hal Burton remained on the ground, stiff and 
 straight on his back. 
 
 No one knew how it happened : there was 
 a bruise, apparently a slight one, on his temple. 
 "That s just the way it goes," said the 
 coach. " Pve known a man knocked out for half 
 an hour in a little light practice like this and then 
 go through a murdering game without being 
 dazed." 
 
 The coach really didn t feel very bad about 
 it, for Burton was only an extra substitute ; but 
 
 241 
 
 FANNIE 
 HALLOWELL 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 the players themselves felt so bad about it that 
 the coach got Fannie Hallowell and another 
 man to take Burton off the field in a carriage* 
 44 Because," said the coach, who was the practi 
 cal kind of a man who wins football matches, 
 " I don t propose to have my men s spirits inter 
 fered with by any sympathy nonsense the day 
 before the game/ 
 
 For this same practical reason the coach 
 induced Fannie to take Burton to his city apart 
 ments, so that if he should be badly injured it 
 need not be known that night at the college, as 
 it would be if he went to his rooms there* 
 
 So it was nearly an hour before a physician 
 examined the still unconscious man, and then a 
 specialist was sent for* There was another and 
 a longer examination with the room darkened, 
 and after that the specialist said to the other 
 physicians: "Ruptured blood vessel* Clot 
 formed on the thalamus opticus* Total visual 
 paralysis* Clot may be absorbed in a month ; 
 maybe not for six* Tell later*" 
 
 Fannie Hallowell heard this too, but of 
 course he did not understand, and he asked the 
 specialist what was the matter with Hal* The 
 specialist, who was drawing on his gloves, and 
 appeared to be in a hurry, explained briefly, in 
 lay language : 
 
 44 He s blind," was all he said. 
 242 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 The coach was the only one at the college 
 who heard of this before the train started for 
 Springfield, and he thanked heaven that that was 
 so, for he knew it would take some, if not all, the 
 ginger out of the players, and utterly ruin the 
 cheering on their side of the grounds if it were 
 known that Burton, " the most popular man in 
 college," had been so badly injured* 
 
 Burton was popular with cliques for special 
 things: the musical men, for example, could 
 always command his big, sympathetic voice; 
 the men who looked after various college sub 
 scriptions could at any time call on him for any 
 deficit, but with all men, in or out of sets, it was 
 his unbounded, uninterrupted, manly good-nature 
 that insured his popularity* Yet only one 
 man sat by his side on the day of the game 
 Fannie Hallowell, christened "Francis." He 
 had been nicknamed " Fannie " at his first school, 
 and the name stuck to him through life. He 
 was a townsman of Burton s. It used to be 
 said at college that if Fannie had physique he 
 would have been athletic ; if rich, tough ; if poor, 
 a grind. I doubt that. It was his temperament, 
 I believe, not his circumstances which made 
 Fannie what he was as a college man. Although 
 he had more to do with the literary set than any 
 other, he was anything but a grind. He knew 
 more, I mean in the literary course he took, be- 
 
 243 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 fore he entered college than most men when 
 they leave* Yet he would cram out of his course 
 with some special just to save the special from 
 flunking on his finals. Fannie and Burton were 
 not chums at college, for Fannie s allowance 
 was so small he could not have kept pace with 
 Burton had he been so inclined. Twenty men 
 were more intimate with Burton : he had done 
 more favors for a hundred* 
 
 The day after the game scores of men called 
 to make inquiries for the injured man ; the next 
 day a dozen; a week later, none; but Fannie 
 stayed there constantly with the doctor and the 
 nurse. When the doctors at last announced that 
 Hal s eyesight was not endangered, if he were 
 properly nursed, Fannie reported it in a quieting 
 letter to Mrs. Burton, Hal s widowed mother, 
 living in Paris. Then Fannie got a letter from 
 home. He gasped a little when he read it, but 
 his only comment was " Poor old dad/ although 
 the letter was not written so much to tell him of 
 his father s bankruptcy as to inform him that 
 all allowances would stop. Fannie did not go 
 home, for the doctor told him that Burton needed 
 to be kept from fretting, to be entertained. In a 
 month, if there were no complications, he could 
 travel ; in six months see well perhaps. 
 
 Fannie was sitting by Hal s bed when the 
 specialist said this, and when the man of science 
 244 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 had gone and Fannie saw that big, world-loving, 
 active Burton was crying quietly, he concluded 
 to remain by his side, and only shrugged his 
 shoulders in answer when he asked himself how 
 he was going to do that on nothing a year. 
 
 Three weeks later Hal received a visit from 
 his cousin and classmate, Jack Morgan. This 
 taciturn young man belonged to a sporting set, 
 and was accustomed to discuss the merits of a 
 dog or a horse in syncopated monosyllables, and 
 discuss anything else not much at all. Jack in 
 timated to Fannie that he had some family 
 affairs to discuss with his cousin, and the neces 
 sity of saying even this cost him such a vast 
 mental effort mat he was in a nervous state when 
 Fannie left the room. Then he blurted out, 
 44 Say, what s the matter with you, Hal ? " 
 
 "Matter with me?" 
 
 "Yes, what are you doing for Fannie?" 
 
 44 Well, Jack, what the devil is the matter 
 with you?" 
 
 "Tell you all about it," said young Mr. 
 Morgan, relieved to find so prompt an opening 
 for the business of his errand. "Couple weeks 
 go saw man taking Fannie s books away. Asked 
 what for. Orders from Mr. Hallowell sell 
 books, says man. And remit, says man. Then 
 heard fellows say Fannie s governor broke. 
 Then heard lot more talk; then got idea. Came 
 
 245 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 here* Inquired* Fannie living beastly little 
 room. Not eating enough to keep fit* Doctor 
 tells me you might died or gone blind all your 
 life if hadn t been for Fannie* I find him starv 
 ing* What s matter with you ? " 
 
 This was the longest speech of Jack Mor 
 gan s life* and its effect warranted its length* 
 Burton cursed himself for a brute and Jack for 
 an ass for not finding all this out sooner* " And 
 poor Fannie/ he exclaimed* "he has made these 
 weeks I thought would kill me almost happy* 
 with books* papers* his guitar, reading me your 
 
 letters " 
 
 44 My letters ! " Jack gasped* 
 44 Yes* your letters and all the boys*" 
 44 Never wrote you letters/ Jack declared* 
 44 Don t believe anybody wrote* No one writes 
 letters except home for money* Fannie faked 
 the letters*" 
 
 The cousins remained in consultation some 
 time before they sent for Fannie, and when he 
 came in Burton said* "Fannie* old man* you 
 know the doctor said we could travel in a week* 
 I ll have lots of things to attend to for my mother* 
 Business letters* you know* and that sort of 
 thing* I can t have a stranger reading my 
 mother s letters* and Jack was saying we might 
 induce you to come along* You go downtown 
 with Jack and he ll arrange about your drawing 
 246 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 money for me* And say, Fannie, get a lot of 
 money from the bank to-day, for there must be 
 a stack of bills to pay here, and you must have 
 a lot for our expenses and that sort of thing." 
 
 44 Got to put up forfeit money on you, Fan 
 nie, or you may not show up at the post, " said 
 Jack. He repeated that remark twenty times to 
 his chums that night, thus fixing his reputation 
 for being a monstrous clever man* 
 
 Four months later Mr. Harry Burton and 
 Mr. Francis Hallowell were on the Pacific Mail 
 steamship wharf in San Francisco, making a 
 fairly good football wedge through the crowd 
 to the gangplank of the steamer about to sail 
 to the Sandwich Islands. Fannie was in the 
 lead, and Burton, wearing dark glasses, rested 
 his hand on Fannie s shoulder. This was 
 from habit, for he could see well enough now to 
 go about alone safely, and he was using his 
 arm to help buck Fannie through the crowd. 
 Suddenly Fannie came to a short stop and 
 whispered : 
 
 44 Heavens, what a beauty ! " 
 
 An Italian, middle-aged, with gray hair 
 and mustache; an elderly lady; a tall, straight, 
 dark girl, and a shorter and darker woman 
 were in grievous distress through the efforts 
 
 247 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 of a hackman, a baggageman, an express 
 man, and a steamer steward to complicate 
 a matter concerning freights and fares* A babel 
 of tongues was attracting the rather impolite at 
 tention of the crowd* The gentleman and the 
 elderly lady spoke Italian ; the young lady Eng 
 lish, and the servant, for such the other woman 
 was, a language none but her companions un 
 derstood* Fannie forced his way to the Ital 
 ian s side and asked, "Are you going to the 
 steamer, sir ? " 
 
 44 Yes, if it is possible to settle all this con 
 fusion, " answered the Italian, smiling, but evi 
 dently distressed* 
 
 "Steward," said Fannie sharply, "take 
 these ladies to their staterooms* You go with 
 them, Hal*" He promptly mitigated the Ital 
 ian s other troubles in a manner which excited 
 the admiration of the hackman and the express 
 man, in spite of their charges having been cut in 
 two by him* 
 
 The steamer had passed outside the Gold 
 en Gate before the Italian had ceased his ex 
 pressions of gratitude for Mr* HallowelPs in 
 comparable services, which would remain 
 uppermost and ever fresh in his mind so long 
 as gracious heaven permitted him life and the 
 capacity for gratitude* 
 
 "If you had saved his life, Fannie, he 
 248 
 
Mr. Fannie HallowelL 
 
 could not have said * grazie * more times in a 
 minute," Burton remarked when they were 
 alone* "And your boldness! Think of our 
 Fannie coming out strong as the queller of 
 water-front bandits*" 
 
 " If you could see that girl s face, Hal, you 
 would not be surprised if I had quelled lions and 
 tigers for her* " 
 
 44 1 could not see it very well* Dark and 
 rather long* isn t it ? " 
 
 "Dark* yes; not long* rather short no, 
 oh, I saw nothing but eyes yes, and 
 teeth!" 
 
 44 Fannie, you shock me," Burton exclaim 
 ed with much gravity* "This is not quite 
 proper ; you are in a frenzy* You need a long 
 cooling drink, and so do I*" 
 
 When the Italian had acknowledged Fan- 
 nie s services he had introduced himself and the 
 ladies of his party ; himself, as Signer Cicogna ; 
 the girl as his daughter, and the other lady as 
 Signora Aldobrandi, his sister* It was hours 
 after that Burton said, apropos of nothing, 
 "What sort of a name was that the Signer 
 called his daughter ? " 
 
 "Kah-lay-poo-oo-ah* It is Hawaiian, and 
 it means wreath of bursting flowers, and is 
 spelled Ka-lei-puua," answered Fannie promptly* 
 
 " Bless us ! where did you get it ? " 
 
 249 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 "From the maid* That dark woman is 
 the girl s maid, and is Hawaiian. " 
 
 Three days out it was warm and calm* 
 This had the happy effect of restoring the Si- 
 gnor to deck, and on his first appearance he ap 
 proached the Americans and inquired if he had 
 the honor, in meeting Mr* Burton, to make the 
 acquaintance of the son of the distinguished 
 Mrs* Morgan-Burton, of Paris* 
 
 When Hal assured him that such was the 
 fact, the Italian evinced an embarrassing desire 
 to embrace his young friend* He explained: 
 Another sister of the Signor, residing in Rome, 
 where his daughter and Signora Aldobrandi 
 had been, had had the honor of entertaining 
 there her dear friend, Mrs* Morgan-Burton, and 
 the latter lady had entertained his daughter in 
 Paris, when she had gone there to see the gal 
 leries* Entertain her! did he say? Had given 
 his beloved child a home. The Signora Mor 
 gan-Burton was most kind and hospitable ; was 
 of herself most distinguished; her wit, the de 
 light of poets ! her beauty, the despair of artists ! 
 The Signor himself was her most devoted and 
 unworthy admirer ! 
 
 All this the Signor said with elaborate 
 earnestness, adding that his daughter, who 
 adored the Signora Morgan-Burton, had guess 
 ed the relationship when she had heard oignor 
 250 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 Burton s name, and had noticed his affliction 
 the Signer touched his own eyes and looked 
 unutterable woe and sympathy of which she 
 had heard his distinguished mother speak* 
 
 This resulted, quite naturally, in the 
 Americans accepting Signor Cicogna s invitation 
 to them to become his guests at once, at his 
 place on the beach of Waikiki* Lei-Mokilana, 
 the maid, began talking with great industry and 
 excitement to her friends on shore soon after the 
 steamer had rounded Diamond Head* The fact 
 that it was some hours before her voice could 
 reach the waiting crowd at Honolulu landing 
 seemed only to add to her excitement, and in no 
 wise lessen her enthusiasm* 
 
 44 1 wish you could see them, Hal, " Fannie 
 exclaimed when they at last reached the wharf* 
 44 Lei-Mofcilana is rubbing noses with something 
 less than a million natives, and Miss Cicogna is 
 beingburied in flowers*" 
 
 i his about the flowers was literally true* 
 As Ka-lei-puua and her aunt entered an open 
 carriage on the wharf, the maid ceased rubbing 
 noses and gave a signal cry which brought 
 out from behind piles of bags of sugar a swarm 
 of native girls, each burdened with wreaths of 
 flowers, which were thrown over Ka-lei-puua 
 until she and her aunt really were nearly con 
 cealed by the leis* Even then there were 
 
 251 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 enough of the leis left for the hats and shoulders 
 of the men* After this welcome the party 
 drove through the sleepy town, through the 
 suburbs, on a road bordered with parks and 
 gardens, some of which were aflame with tropi 
 cal flowers, some dense and dark and mysterious 
 with a luxuriance of the royal and a dozen other 
 kinds of palms, with now and then an open 
 space through which on one side the smiling 
 South Sea reached away forever, or, on the 
 other, the sombre green mountains rested the 
 eyes and cooled the air; through cocoanut 
 groves ; through strips of white sand bordering 
 slips of lagoons in which women bathed ana 
 children played ; thus out to Waikiki. That 
 Waikiki you call Y-kee-kee, and it means laugh 
 ing water, or smiling water, or shining water, 
 or something pretty of the kind* There, in a clus 
 ter of cottages, the Signor and his family lived 
 when not on his plantation, on another island. 
 A swarm of chattering servants greeted them 
 there, and one, the proud possessor of three 
 phrases supposed by him to be English, was 
 assigned to the Americans, and took them to 
 their cottage. 
 
 Cicogna, a planter, had married a native 
 
 princess not of the reigning family, who died 
 
 when Ka-lei-puua was very young, and then 
 
 his sister had come from Italy to rear this plant- 
 
 252 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 er s child* She had, after many years, induced 
 her brother to let her take Ka-lei-puua " home " 
 with her for a finish to her education. Three 
 years, Signora Aldobrandi had gravely decided, 
 would be required for this finishing, and they 
 had been away from the Island just eight months. 
 The steamer following the one on which 
 they had departed bore the planter s prayers, 
 entreaties, and commands for the immediate re 
 turn of his daughter, and the next steamer bore 
 him. 
 
 Ah! but those Hawaiians, native and 
 adoptive, are graceful at the task, not difficult to 
 them, however, of doing nothing; and you 
 would be amazed, my dear sir, in spite of your 
 nine hours daily business serfdom here, to find 
 how quickly and easily you can learn to do 
 that same nothing always when you are on the 
 beach at Waikiki. Those open-sided summer 
 houses, which they call lanai, are a special in 
 centive to doing nothing. One afternoon in the 
 Cicogna lanai Fannie, who had been idly strum 
 ming chords on a guitar, began singing a popu 
 lar native air. At the refrain of the first verse, 
 Cicogna and his sister looked up in amusement, 
 and Ka-lei-puua laughed delightedly. A dozen 
 natives left off doing nothing on the beach to 
 lounge about the lanai railing. They shouted 
 with joy at Fannie s verses, and at the end of 
 
 253 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 the song you would believe they were in a near 
 approach to hysterics* This was partly be 
 cause they had had nothing to be excited over 
 since one of them had capsized his canoe on the 
 reef but that was nearly an hour ago and 
 partly because the refrain to the verses sung 
 was composed of Kai-lei-puua s native names* 
 
 "What is it, Fannie?" Burton asked, not 
 understanding the applause both in and out of 
 the lanai* 
 
 Fannie explained* 
 
 44 Are they all Miss Ka-lei-puua s names ? " 
 exclaimed Burton* 
 
 44 Only the native ones ; I have as many 
 more Italian," the girl said, laughing* 
 
 44 Say them slowly the Hawaiian ones," 
 Hal begged* 
 
 44 1 cannot, and skip the Italian* It would 
 be like saying every other letter of the alphabet* 
 Mr. Hallowell has written them down, with the 
 meanings," Ka-lei-puua said* 
 
 44 Oh, you gave them to Fannie and refuse 
 them to me ? " this from Burton in mock de 
 spair* But the girl answered quickly, and 
 earnestly, "Aunt Caro gave them to Mr* 
 Hallowell*" 
 
 44 Then you meant that I should have them 
 too, did you not, signora ? " asked Hal* 
 
 44 Mr* Hallowell may read them to you, if 
 254 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 you promise not to make them into a song," the 
 signora said, with the older woman s apprecia 
 tion of Burton s pretended dismay* 
 
 Fannie read: " Ka-lei-puua, wreath of 
 bursting flowers ; Ka-lani-uliuli, blue heavens ; 
 Mauna-ka-wai, bird of the sea ; Maka-aka-aka, 
 laughing eyes ; Kanani, the beautiful/ When 
 he finished he turned to his friend and demanded 
 with pedagogic seriousness, " Master Burton 
 will please rise and recite Miss Ka-lei-puua s 
 native names and the definitions/ 
 
 Hal tried and failed, and as Ka-lei-puua s 
 maid was interpreting the whole scene, the 
 natives were again in a frenzy of guttural joy* 
 
 "The boys want you to sing the verses 
 once more," Ka-lei-puua said to Fannie, " boy " 
 being the generic name for a native male servant, 
 though he may also be a grandfather* As Fannie 
 began Burton strolled down to the bathhouses 
 and the eyes of most of the people followed him* 
 When he left his dressing room, and entered the 
 water carrying a surf board, the natives ran 
 down to the beach and soon Ka-lei-puua and her 
 father followed* In the two weeks they had 
 been at Waikiki Hal had made great progress in 
 the native sports, and already rode a board on 
 the surf of the inside coral reef very well* He 
 was seen now to be making his way out to the 
 breakers of the outside reef, and Signor Cicogna 
 
 255 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 ordered a native expert to follow him* Fannie 
 laid down his guitar, his song half finished, and 
 went to the beach, too* 
 
 44 It was his one success," the old signora 
 said, a little sadly, as she watched Fannie, 44 and 
 the others should not have spoiled it*" 
 
 The native surf rider, also carrying the 
 long cigar-shaped board on which the natives do 
 their marvellous surf riding, overtook Burton, 
 and they waited together for a roller which 
 promised a good ride in* The native at last 
 signalled, and they both made a fair mount on 
 their boards and came rushing in, lying flat on 
 the shoreward face of the roller* The native 
 suddenly stood erect on his board, and Burton 
 tried the same difficult feat* It was too late, for 
 the roller began to comb, and as it broke Hal 
 and the board were tumbled over and over in 
 the surf* There was a shout of 44 Awea Ka 
 mefca ai ! " from shore as Burton, laughing and 
 choking, was helped out of the surf by the 
 native* He stumbled and scrambled to the 
 beach, stood still for one startled moment, tossed 
 his head like a deer, and made a wild rush at 
 Fannie, taking him in his arms and swinging 
 him off his feet* 
 
 "Fannie! Fannie!" he shouted, "the 
 breakers tore the glasses off and I can see ! See 
 as well as ever ! " 
 256 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 44 1 have another pair for you and I will get 
 them," Fannie said when he recovered his feet 
 and his breath* 
 
 44 And Fll throw them in the ocean ! The 
 six months would be up in two weeks* It is all 
 right, anyhow* The light does not hurt my 
 eyes I Oh, but it s good not to look through a 
 cloud ! " 
 
 He was wild with excitement* 44 1 can see 
 see your eyes!" and he suddenly grasped 
 Ka-lei-puua s hands* 
 
 The girl blushed, and then he turned to 
 the signora* "And your lovely face, Aunt 
 Caro* I thought it would be fine* And you, 
 signer! Oh, but it is glorious, everything! 
 Fannie!" 
 
 He had Fannie in his wet arms again, 
 whirling him in a mad dance on the beach* 
 
 There was no resisting his enthusiasm* 
 The natives understood that a miracle had been 
 performed, and were singing, dancing, laughing, 
 and weeping from excitement* The signora 
 forgave even the "Aunt Caro," and agreed 
 with her brother, who declared that the occasion 
 could only be fittingly celebrated by a luau that 
 night* 
 
 It is as amazing as it is charming the 
 number of things which happen in the Sand 
 wich Islands which can only be fittingly 
 
 257 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 celebrated by a luau a feast and dancing* At 
 least it was so when the people down there still 
 enjoyed life before they took to politics* I do 
 not know how it is now that they have politics 
 and factions and politicians and the other im 
 provements of civilization which pester a people 
 and make life not worth living* Why* one of 
 the guests of that evening was the Princess 
 
 L * She contributed a band of hulu-hulu 
 
 girls to the entertainment* and now the mis 
 guided woman* because she would go in for 
 politics instead of pleasure, has gone as far as 
 jail* I believe* 
 
 In the lanai, where the feast for the guests 
 was spread* there was light from a profusion of 
 lanterns* but the servants and their friends ate 
 on the lawn* by the moonlight only* 
 
 When the hulu-hulu girls came into the 
 lanai and began dancing* the Americans received 
 one of the severe shocks of their lives* Ka- 
 lei-puua was seated at the feet of the Princess 
 and both ladies regarded the dance with frank 
 enjoyment* 
 
 The girl dancers wear only one garment* 
 which does not conform identically with the 
 outline of their bodies : a fluffy affair made of 
 leaves which hangs from their waists and ends 
 at their thighs* Its result* and probably its 
 intent, is to exaggerate the size of their hips 
 258 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 and thighs, for the dance chiefly consists in 
 movements of those portions of the body, which 
 prove an amazing possibility of their action, 
 unrelated to the body above and below* A 
 dancer begins her performance standing motion 
 less and with her arms held rigidly at length 
 before her* She remains so wMe several bars 
 of music are slowly sung and played, but as the 
 music quickens her arms relax and begin a slow, 
 graceful, weaving motion* The musicians hurry 
 their cadence and the dancer s hips and thighs take 
 up the motion* After that she leads the music, 
 which now becomes an accompaniment, not a 
 direction* For several minutes, perhaps, the 
 dancer s feet have not left the ground, but after 
 that she begins to move them slowly and almost 
 
 K Singly, and without altering her position* 
 ter she may address her dance especially to 
 some musician or to some spectator, and will 
 then slowly and appealingly move toward the 
 object of her attention* Her arms, hips, and 
 thighs are the chief mediums for the expression 
 of the meaning of the dance, and their move 
 ments become faster, freer, wilder, until the 
 dancer stops from exhaustion* 
 
 44 It is awful/ Fannie gasped, turning from 
 the dancers toward the signora* 
 
 "It is a question of inherited taste and 
 early training," answered that lady with no 
 
 259 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 evidence of compunction. " Ka-lei-puua nearly 
 died of shame before the nude statues in the 
 galleries of Rome and Paris. To her this is 
 innocent she is ignorant" 
 
 "But the signor does he not object?" 
 asked Burton. 
 
 44 If he objected to an amusement other girls 
 of Ka-lei-puua s station are permitted," answered 
 the signora, "he would do more harm than 
 good he would suggest the evil she does not 
 now see." 
 
 The Americans slipped from the lanai and 
 strolled down to the beach. 
 
 44 Is she not as beautiful as I said ? " Fannie 
 asked after they had walked some time in 
 silence. 
 
 44 As beautiful ! As if any language of man 
 could describe her beauty. Her face is as beau 
 tiful as as her voice! My dear boy, how could 
 you have seen her all these weeks and not have 
 fallen in love with her ? " Burton asked. 
 
 Fannie turned his back to the sea breeze to 
 light a cigar before he asked, " Would it be easy 
 to fall in love with her, Hal ? " 
 
 44 Easy ? You are a cold-blooded monster, 
 Fannie, that you have not found it impossible 
 not to." 
 
 Later the guests danced, and Fannie, with 
 his guitar, joined some high-caste native young 
 260 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 men, who volunteered the music* After Ka- 
 lei-puua had waltzed with Burton, an experi 
 ence, by the way, which first taught him all 
 that a waltz can be, she went to Fannie and 
 said, " Mr. Burton dances too well to take him 
 away from here ; will you not take me to the 
 beach, where it is cooler ? " 
 
 Fannie thought she was almost affection 
 ate ; she was certainly sympathetic and kind as 
 they walked up and down the hard, smooth 
 sand* She knew a great deal about music and 
 a little a very little about books. On these 
 subjects Fannie could be eloquent. He was. 
 He felt that he had never talked better in his life 
 than at the very moment Burton came running 
 and shouting, " Your aunt says we may have a 
 moonlight surf party, and you ll go in, won t 
 you, Miss Ka-lei-puua ? " 
 
 "Yes," she said, turning from Dante with 
 out a struggle or an excuse. 
 
 Burton was in a great gale of spirits. " Come 
 along, Fannie, old man, you go in, too. What ? 
 Well, what if you can t swim? You can paddle 
 about on the inside reef. We will go to the 
 outside reef, Miss Ka-lei-puua. You are not 
 afraid to go out there alone with me, now that I 
 see again, are you ? " 
 
 "No," answered the girl, softly, looking 
 out on the water. She put her hand on Bur- 
 
 261 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 ton s arm unconsciously for an instant, and 
 then ran back to the cottages. 
 
 Fannie sat on the beach with the signor 
 and signora, watching the bathers going into 
 the surf, which, even at night, was a warm 
 caress* 
 
 "Is not that Ka-lei-puua going to the out 
 side reef?" asked the signora, straining her 
 eyes anxiously through the silver sheen over the 
 water. 
 
 "She is with Mr. Burton," answered her 
 brother comfortably, "and he is very power 
 ful." 
 
 Two or three days later the party embarked 
 on the little inter-island steamer for the Cicogna 
 plantation on the Island of Hawaii: sugar plan 
 tation on the lowlands, and cattle ranges where 
 the Cicogna estate ran far up the green flanks 
 of lofty Mauna Loa. 
 
 At the plantation the character of life was 
 much more native than at Honolulu. Not less 
 luxurious perhaps more so ; but with less than 
 a dozen foreigners in a community of two or 
 three hundred people, the native element more 
 affected the manner of living. Both Ka-lei-puua 
 and her aunt wore the native dress there, the 
 flowing holoku, most of the time, and leis of 
 flowers always. 
 
 It was the morning of a boar-shooting ex- 
 262 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 [ition Ka-lei-puua first rode with the men* 
 She appeared, as they were mounting, in a wide 
 skirted habit and carrying in her hands two leis* 
 One was all of gardenias, which both of the 
 Americans raved about extravagantly* She 
 regarded the men smilingly a moment, and then 
 threw the gardenias around Fannie s neck* 
 Then she mounted, astride, the best horse in the 
 corral* She called to her maid and they spurred 
 ahead* Burton followed, but only overtook them 
 when they had pulled up after a hot mile* " First 
 you give Fannie the gardenia lei, then you ride 
 away from me," he complained as he reached 
 her side* 
 
 44 Did you care for the gardenia lei ? " she 
 asked quite seriously, for sophistry is unknown 
 of the women of Hawaii* 
 
 "I care for the first choice," Burton pouted. 
 
 "If you really cared, F1I do you a greater 
 favor* Fll let you ride Caesar as far as we go*" 
 They dismounted, and as Burton was readjust 
 ing the stirrups, she said, 44 Caesar is faster than 
 your horse* I cannot ride away from you 
 
 now*" 
 
 When Ka-lei-puua turned back Fannie 
 turned back with her* He did not shoot, and 
 was not certain about the rough riding the men 
 would have over fallen fern trees and boar 
 hollow* Ka-lei-puua listened attentively to him 
 
 263 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 as they jogged homeward, for he was again 
 talking well about books* 
 
 They went to the volcano by the bridle- 
 trail from Hilo* for the easier stage road from the 
 other side of the Island was not yet finished* A 
 native servant accompanied each member of the 
 party* Fannie s servant* Paula* was a mission 
 ary product as to his civilization and proficiency 
 in English* When they went down into the 
 crater he disclosed the depth of his applied Chris 
 tianity by tossing; a piece of silver and a plug of 
 tobacco into a late of fire* as an offering to the 
 volcano goddess* Pele* They left the Volcano 
 House late in the afternoon* as they had de 
 termined to see Halemaumau the Lake of Ever 
 lasting Fire by night* 
 
 Burton and Fannie assisted Signora Aldo- 
 brandi down the steep descent into the crater 
 and over the rough crater floor* where lava is 
 piled as are cakes of ice on the shore of a lake 
 after a winter s storm* Passing the little lake 
 they reached at dusk the rough banks of Hale 
 maumau* where the floor of lava has fallen in* 
 showing the restless, surging* everlasting fire* 
 and there they waited for darkness* Then it 
 was that Paula went a little aside and made his 
 364 
 
Mr. Fannie Hallowell. 
 
 pious sacrifice to Pele, and Fannie happened to be 
 watching him 
 
 The lake at short regular intervals was 
 coated with a black gleaming crust, wh<ch was 
 then rent, torn, and destroyed by the billows of 
 liquid fire which dashed in breakers against ihe 
 shore, hissing and sending up a surf of lava* 
 The silver thrown by Paula made an instant s 
 brighter gleam as it struck and melted; the 
 tobacco vanished in a little puff of smoke* As 
 the lake blackened again, Fannie turned toward 
 his party* The sky, too, was black now and 
 he could scarcely discern the figures of his silent 
 companions, but when, with a crack like a near 
 thunder-peal the lake surface split from end to 
 end, and a glare of surging fire lit up the figures 
 on the bank, Fannie saw Ka-lei-puua with one 
 hand clasped in her father s hand, the other in 
 Burton s* 
 
 It was late when they returned to the Vol 
 cano House* The signer ordered supper and 
 sat down by the blazing log fire in the old, 
 raftered dining-room* Fannie walked alone 
 outside for some time, and as he returned he 
 met Burton coming from the dining-room* 
 When he entered the signor looked up and ex 
 tended his hand* 
 
 44 It is chilly here, for all the fire we saw 
 down there/ he said. 
 
 265 
 
Mr. Fuiinu llallowell. 
 
 "It is chilly/ Fannie said, shivering. 
 The signor regarded him anxiously, and 
 then said, " You arc ill, my son." 
 "1 am very well, only cold." 
 "And I have just what you need: it is in 
 my room. Won t you step in andj>et it a flask?" 
 Fannic went to the Manor s room, which, 
 like all those lacing the volcano, opened on the 
 veranda. 1 le found the flask and was just leav 
 ing when two figures, outlined by the volcano s 
 glow, met on the grass in front of the veranda. 
 He had no time io disclose himself or retreat. 
 He heard Burton s voice : 
 
 "Ka lei-puua, darling! Your father says- 
 He turned the girl s radiant face up to his 
 and kissed her lips. 
 
 "Paula," said Fannie, finding his servant 
 on the veranda, "what is your silver piece by 
 this time?" 
 
 "Lava " said Paula. 
 
 " And you: tobacco? " 
 
 "Smoke." 
 
 " What \\-ould become of me if 1 jumped in 
 there, Paula ? " asked Fannie smiling. 
 
 "Smoke, too," Paula said sadly, as he 
 looked into Fannie s face, though Fannie smiled 
 
 And it was so. 
 
 300 
 
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