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WILLIAM L.
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LIBRARY
The University of Michigan
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Öſt ſtraits of 76:
THEIR TRIALS, TRIBULATIONS AND TRIUMPHS.
EING a minute and veracious chronicle of the events transpiring
in this goodly city of Philadelphia on the 3d and 4th days of July,
in the year of our Lord One Thousand Eight Hundred and Seventy-Six
and of the Independence of these Great United States the One Hundredth.
WRITTEN BY
A SOLDIER MAN, A SAILOR MAN, AND A RAILROAD MAN
ſt 2 wº, ºv.
tº
- 9 : *, AND
EDITED BY THE EDITOR. "lºº
“I will love those that laugh and those that sing,
“I’ll love my country, prince and laws, and those that love my King.”
PHILADELPHIA, 1876.

Copyright, 1877.
CHARLES PAUL MAC KIE.
25 CoPIES PRINTED.


Ön in Jºſhits
WHOSE KINDLY INTEREST ENSURED THE SUCCESS
OF THE VARIOUS EXPEDITIONS
HEREIN CHRONICLED,
AND WHO THEREBY CONFERRED SO MUCH PLEASURE
UPON THEIR ATTENDANT CAVALIERs,
THIS UNWORTHY TRIBUTE
IS, WITH PRO FOUND RESPECT,
#edicated.

--~~~~）;
PREFACE.
“Give me your favour:—
My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten.
Kind gentlemen, your pains are register'd
Where every day I turn the leaf to read them.”
& Sºl EW of us will live to see the next Centennial : we may
- º
assume that to be admitted even by the most con-
tentious disputant. This melancholy fact once fixed
in our minds, the natural thing for us to do is to seek
some pleasing philosophical reflection in the contemplation of
which we may find solace. Such comfort (known in the verna-
. .
cular as “sour grapes”) lies ready made to our hands in this
instance, for what greater consolation do we need than may be
derived from arguing somewhat after this fashion: “I have seen
“the first Centennial; that's more than my Grandfather could
“say. I've visited it early and often. There's nothing in the
“whole 236 acres that I haven't inspected conscientiously, from
“the Corliss Engine to the distressingly ill-made false teeth erst
“worn by the Father of His Country. Now, I dare say, they will
“have a larger one next time, but is it worth waiting for P. So
“many things might happen, too : Mr. John Welsh or Mr.
“Goshorn might die; there might be trouble between the Com-

7

PR E FA C E.
“mission and the Board of Finance; the Park may be built up ;
“the Government refuse an appropriation : any one of these
“would put an end to the second Centennial and I would have
“my patience for my pains. Happy thought: won't wait ninety-
“nine years and a half on the chance.”
No, we will be content with our own little show ; satisfied that
we did our best, and did it well. But in this new land of ours
events follow so rapidly the one upon the other, that the new
becomes the very old so soon that it is almost too great a task to
remember the sequence; and before many years have passed we
will be racking our weary heads to recall where the English
Buildings stood, whether Daniell was a jeweller and what was
the name of that young Japanese Commissioner P A vague
recollection will haunt our minds that we did have a “lark'' on
the Opening Day and that there was some sort of fun on the
Fourth of July; but names, places and faces will all be confused
and indistinct. It was to supply just such faults of memory that
that greatest of nuisances, “The Centennial Souvenir," was
invented; and it is to serve as a key to dead-and-gone events
that this crude little history is imposed upon a long-suffering
circle of Centennial martyrs.
All manner of suggestions have been advanced by enthusiastic
citoyennes as to what memento of the Great Year had best be
preserved, ranging from the year's invitations and programmes
up to the Chinese Bedstead or a Peruvian Mummy. In such a
wide field even a dull man might hit upon something feasible ;

P R E FA C E .
so when one such heard the topic incessantly referred to on all
sides it evolved an idea (an infrequent occurrence with the
writer, and therefore referred to somewhat in detail) which,
after consultation with and kind suggestions from many friends,
has taken this shape. Our little offering cannot claim to be a
worthy memorial of an event so stupendous, so thoroughly
successful and so deeply significant to every true-hearted Ameri-
can : the only fitting record of that is to be found in the declara-
tion upon the title-page, that this year is “of the Independence
“of these Great United States the ONE HUNDREDTH." We are
not likely soon to forget that. But we may stitch together these
few leaves for the present amusement of our friends and as a
means of enabling them, when we are further on in the new
century, to recall the faces of quondam companions with their
sayings and doings, and so aid them to witness from their easy
chairs that most charming of all Reviews, the “march past " of
pleasant memories.
If our trifling contribution (which looks so much more ambi-
tious in printer's ink and binder's cloth than it was ever designed
to be) does not rise to the dignity of being a Centennial memo-
rial, still less can it claim to be a book, and we modest scriveners
must earnestly (and possibly unnecessarily) disclaim any preten-
sions to “authorship" and, tearfully appealing to your charity,
disparage all criticism. “De mortuis nil nisi bonum,” said the
ancients; and whether we accept the orthodox translation of the
adage, or prefer that of the school-boy who rendered it, “Of the

PR EFACE.
*
dead nothing's left but the bones,” we in either case hold that as
a posthumous Centennial work its faults must be generously
ignored and its few merits patiently sought and liberally magni-
fied.
Without the kindly assistance of the ladies, and notably of
two whose interest and industry never flagged,—in collecting the
photographs, our slight sketch would have presented an even
less attractive appearance than now ; and had it not been for the
constant and cordial help and encouragement lent by the Sailor
Man (Lieut. Paul) and the Soldier Man (Mr. Hepburn) this effort
would have followed the example of the Fourth of July fireworks
and disgracefully “fizzled.” Therefore, kind reader, (if thou
be’est indeed kind thou wilt need no exhortation ; and if thou art
otherwise than gently disposed, assume during thy perusal of
these faulty pages a virtue which, to thy sorrow, thou dost not
possess),
“Be to her virtues very kind,
“Be to her faults a little blind;"
bearing in mind the fact that, while to the efforts of the friends
mentioned is due whatever of merit there may be in our produc-
tion, all the onerous weight of criticism and censure must of
necessity fall upon the shoulders of
THE EDITOR.
10



C O N T E N T S.
PAGE.
PREFACE, . - - - - - - - - - 7
INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY. (A TRUTH FUL TORTOISE) I3
THE ROLL OF HONOR, - - 2I
HISTORICAL SUMMARY. (THE EDITOR,) 23
LOG OF THE " LORELEI,” (THE SAILOR MAN,) 53
A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS, (TRANSLATION,) 63
THE MILITARY REVIEW. (THE SOLDIER MAN,) 73
THE FIREWORKS FIASCO. (THE RAILROAD MAN,) 8I
L'ENVOI, - - - - - - - - - - - 95
APPENDIX, OFFICIAL PROGRAMME, JULY 4, 1876.
PHOTOGRAPHS.
BIRD’S-EYE VIEW OF INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.
(MAIN BUILDINGS,) . - - - - - Frontispiece. ”
INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION. (LESSER BUILDINGS,) To face page Io
“DREADFUL ANARCHY AMONG THE TORTOISES,” I I6
BOAT LANDING AT STRAWBERRY HILL, . - - 30"?
INDEPENDENCE SQUARE, - - - - - ( 46°
VIEW OF SCHUYLKILL RIVER, ABOVE R. R. VIADUCT, “ 58.”
BOAT-HOUSES AND FAIRMOUNT DAM, I ( 88.’
NOTE.-The portraits of the ladies follow the sequence of names in the
Roll of Honor; those of the gentlemen are grouped as the characteristics of
the original photographs and the order of their receipt required.
11


INTRODUCTORY APOLOGY.
“I am not up to small deceit or any sinful games,
And I'll tell in simple language what I know about the row
That broke up our Society upon the Stanislow."
13


The Roll OF jłonor.
“Oh, say not that no glory's won
Save on the field of bloody strife,
Where flashing blade and crushing gun
Cut loose the silver cords of life . "
SPARTAN MATRONS.
*MRS. DR. CAMAC, MRS. W.M. STRUTHERS, J.R.
ROMAN MAIDS.
Miss BAYARD, (Delaware,) *MISS FROTHINGHAM,
MISS LYDIA BIDDLE, MISS KEATING,
MISS CALDWELL, MISS MCCALL,
*MISS CAMAC, MISS GERTRUDE MCCALL,
*MISS NANNIE CAMAC, MISS JENNIE MCCALL,
MISS CATHERWOOD, MISS NORRIS,
Miss CHAMBERS, (Del.,) MISS PAUL,
MISS DAVIDS, MISS TYLER,
MISS NELLIE TYLER.
21

THE ROLL OF HONOR.
PATRIOT WOLUNTEERS.
MR. BROCK,
*MR. CAMAC,
MR. DIXON,
MR. GRAY,
MR. HAZLEHURST,
MR. HEPBURN,
MR. JOHN HOFFMAN,
*MR. NED HOFFMAN,
DR. JoHN M. KEATING,
MR. ALEX. KRUMBHAAR,
MR. CHAS. H. KRUMBHAAR,
*MR. RAMSAY KRUMBHAAR,
*MR. LEWIS,
MR. MAC KIE,
MR. MARTIN,
LIEUT. PAUL, U. S. N.,
MR. JAMES W. PAUL, JR.,
MR. LAWRENCE T. PAUL,
MR. PLATT,
MR. JoHN C. SIMS, J.R.,
MR. SPENCER,
MR. TYLER,
*MR. WHITE,
MR. WIRGMAN,
MR. WORRELL.
FOREIGN AUXILIARIES.
COUNT D'OULTREMONT, (Begium.)
LIEUT. R. G. DAVENPORT, U. S. N., (The Briny Dee/.)
MR. JAMES STEUART MAC KIE, (New Jersey.)
MR. FRITZ CUNLIFFE OWEN, (Japan.)
*The Editor greatly regrets that it has been impossible to procure photo-
graphs of those whose names are preceded by an asterisk (*).
In his desire
to make the list complete he carried his endeavors to collect the pictures to
what may have been deemed too great extremes; but the importunity arose
from other than personal motives, and he trusts was not misunderstood.
22



OUR NATION'S CENTENARY:
AN HISTORICAL SUMMARY.
“Foreseen in the vision of sages,
Foretold when martyrs bled,
She was born of the longing of ages,
By the truth of the noble dead
And the faith of the living fed "
23

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY:
AN HISTORICAL SUMMARY,
“Who shall rejoice
With a righteous voice
Far-heard through the ages, if not she?
For the menace is dumb that defied her,
The doubt is dead that denied her,
And she stands acknowledged, and strong, and free!"
F course the Fourth of July was looked upon as the
culminating day of the whole Centennial, more
generally so in the country at large than in Phila-
delphia where the presence of the Exhibition, with
its enormous aggregate of novelty, modified somewhat the
otherwise natural anticipation of a worthily memorable recognition
of the day. During the previous week, consequently, the people
of these free and independent States had been flocking into the
city by tens of thousands, until it became an irritating puzzle to
the residents to determine where the crowd could possibly find
shelter. The intense heat which prevailed throughout the country
was accepted by the more delicate and less enthusiastic citizens as
an indication that Philadelphia would be a seething furnace during
the first week in July, so that the multitudes which then filled our
city were for the most part those patient, persevering patriots

25

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
for whom neither heat nor cold had any terrors when anything in
the nature of a celebration was in prospect. As the Goths and
Vandals on Rome, or the potato-bug on Colorado, so they descended
upon us in myriads; until the streets assumed a saffron hue from
the ubiquitous “yaller duster," and the air rang with inquiries
as to the locality of lost boarding houses or the situation of
Independence Hall. For weeks the newspapers had been filled
with notices of the preparations making for the Centennial Fourth,
and the impression that the great event the day commemorated
would be marked in some fitting manner was so general that
but few of the migratory residents left the city in June as was their
wont, preferring to remain and witness the exercises of the Fourth,
So throughout the scorching heat of latter June and early July the
houses in the West End actually presented here and there an
open window instead of the customary tomb-like boards, and the
marble steps retained their immaculate whiteness long after the
time when they usually assumed a two-inch coat of dust.
As the intervening days passed and the eventful Tuesday
approached the more youthful portion of the community began
to be agitated over the question of how best to see all that was
going on, and divers propositions by interested parties were made
to provide for the proper accommodation of their friends during
the several interesting hours of the day. Pending the solution of
this vexed matter, and as an agreeable preparation for the more
severe duties of the following night and day, two public-spirited
gentlemen—Mr. Krumbhaar, on behalf of the Philadelphia Barge
26



OUR NATION's CENTENARY.
Club, and Mr. Hoffman for the University Barge Club—suggested
to the members of those famous boating guilds and to their
acquaintances at large that they man the club boats on the
afternoon of the Third and row such of the ladies as were accessible
... and thereto inclined, up the Schuylkill to Strawberry Hill, there
to partake of toast and tea—or cakes and ale, as their tastes might
dictate—and return to town in time for the Torchlight Parade
which was to take place at ten o'clock in the evening. This
“happy thought" met with the ready acceptance it merited and
was enthusiastically received by both the rowers-to-be and the
to-be-rowed. The hour for leaving the boat-house at Fairmount
was fixed at four o'clock on Monday afternoon and all interested,
save the two unfortunate committee-men, passed a peaceful Sunday
hopefully anticipating the morrow.
Meanwhile, upon learning of the proposed barge-party, one of
the prospective bargees—who happened to have control of some
facilities which enabled him to provide his friends with means
for seeing the various parades and displays, and who had
arranged therefor to some extent—had advanced the idea that it
would save a great deal of trouble if those on the party whom he
felt at liberty to invite would join the octette at one time
forming the TORTOISE WALKING CLUB (for whose sad
history the reader is referred to the Introductory Apology
preceding these few feeble remarks), and all rendezvous, upon
their return from the river, at the office of the Pennsylvania
Railroad where some rude accommodation had been prepared
2
7

OUR NATIONS CENTENARY.
for a comfortable view of the Torchlight Parade from the balcony.
This proposal being graciously accepted by most, the additional
suggestion was made, somewhat fearfully, that the party should
re-assemble at the same place on Tuesday morning to review the
Military Parade; after which they should adjourn to the windows
on Walnut Street kindly offered by Mr. Gray, whence an excellent
view of the ceremony at Independence Square could be had.
Then after dinner they could meet again in the evening at
the West Philadelphia Depot and, taking a car provided for the
purpose, run out on the railroad track to a point near Fair-
mount Dam and see the Fireworks display free from the crowd.
Greatly to the delight of the proposer these suggestions were all
most kindly received, and the details soon agreed upon.
AD Phoebus himself taken a personal interest in the becoming
H celebration of our Centenary Festival he could not have
bestowed upon us more perfect weather than that which gladdened
the Souls of Philadelphia's sons and daughters on Monday, the
third of July. His great red face did blush somewhat warmly and
his shafts fell thick and forcibly, but in spite of the sun's power the
heat was tempered by a grateful breeze for the greater part of this
and the succeeding day. Out in the Park the air was delightfully
fresh, and the stiff wind blowing directly down the Schuylkill ruffled
the water until it danced most temptingly in the sunlight. Seldom
had our boat-houses, accustomed as they are to the brightening
presence of aquatically-inclined ladies, presented so animated an
appearance as on that afternoon. Little time was lost by the

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
oarsmen in donning their uniforms, and in a few moments a
dainty flotilla of nearly a score of graceful boats dotted the river's
surface, making with their party-hued crews and gay silken flags
as pretty a scene as ever gladdened the critical eye of boatman.
Scattered in picturesque disorder before the slips were the familiar
forms of the Lorelei, Pandora, Faugh-a-ballagh, Aurora, Marguerite,
No Name and a half-dozen others all carrying their full complement
of brightly dressed ladies and nautically attired men. Over by the
Dam lay the steamer engaged as convoy for the fleet, and among
the larger boats were half a dozen single-sculls leisurely rowing
about awaiting orders. All being properly in train, the boats
started off amid peals of laughter and shouts of rivalry, the
strong head wind making it no easy task to drag the deeply laden
barges, each retarded by three or four large sun umbrellas, thro'
the lumpy water. It does not become a vagrant landsman like
the writer to be too venturesome in the discussion of matters per-
taining to Neptune's unstable kingdom, so the relation of the
details of the Centennial Flotilla's voyage has been entrusted
(how wisely let the “Log of the Lorelei" testify,) to a full-fledged
Sailor Man, who bears about him the unmistakable signs of the
genuine, unadulterated Saline article, if the poet is right in his
definition :
“Noble-hearted Seamen are
Those that do no labor spare,
Nor no danger shun or fear,
To do their country pleasure.
29

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
In loyalty they do abound;
Nothing base in them is found;
But they bravely stand their ground
In calm and stormy weather.”
It remains to the Editor, therefore, the log-book being in so
much abler hands, only to note the fact that the voyage was most
successfully and enjoyably accomplished. The terrors of Turtle
Rock were skillfully evaded, but when passing the Zoological
Gardens some little trepidation was expressed by some of the
passengers lest the polar-bear and the sea-lions, their reason
overcome by the heat, seeing such regal travelling accommodations
passing Northwards, might be seized with an irresistible desire to
board some of our fleet and take passage; happily, however, it was
the hour when they take their nap in the refrigerators, so we were
undisturbed. The raging canal was entered and its perilous
navigation completed without accident; the sturdy arms of the
rowers pulled the richly freighted argosies thro' the enviously
retarding banks of river-weed ; and, rapidly passing the rustling
willows below Columbia Bridge, the welcome order to “lay to ”
was given and all laid on their oars in the grateful shadow of that
light and airy structure. Refreshed with the rest the voyage was
resumed under the lee of the Rockland groves, Peters' Island
lying on the port beam, and a straight course laid for Rebecca's
Well. That Scriptural locality reached, the flagship hove-to for
signalling, but the Lorelei, with the Tortoises on board, passed
her to windward and stood in for Strawberry Landing, where, her
30







OUR NATION S CENTENARY.
hails for a pilot being answered, she ran up a “homeward
y
bounder ’’ in the shape of a boathook and was soon Snugly
berthed alongside the wharf. All hands, in compliance with
orders, tumbled out as literally as they dared, and the entire ship's
company made their way up that oft-trodden and oftener impre-
cated hill to which Sion's is but as a billiard-table to a rope-ladder.
Is there any spot within the broad bounds of Christendom
where “grass does grow and water flow" which presents a more
perfectly ideal sight to the water-loving eye than the Schuylkill
river as it bends at the foot of Strawberry Hill and curves gently
Over towards Belmont ? At one's feet is the bush-covered base of
Edgely, and beyond that are the “bosky shades” of the Ormiston
groves: on the opposite side of the river the low bank is lined
with graceful willows and beyond, just as the red bridge would
close the view, rises Lansdowne Plateau with its picturesque
group of Exhibition Buildings making a noble background for
the broadly sweeping river as it bows again below the bridge.
On the afternoon in question as our party lay scattered about
under the trees with faces turned citywards, it was difficult to
believe that just beyond the bend lay hot, dusty Philadelphia;
we seemed to be away off with Kilmeny, where
“A lovely land beneath her lay,
Its fields were speckled, its forests green,
And its lakes were all of the dazzling sheen,
Like magic mirrors, where slumbering lay
The Sun and the sky and the cloudlet gray,
Which heaved and trembled, and gently swung.”

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
And as our good old friend Father Schuylkill lay there staring at
us with his placid visage, now smiling merrily as the cool wind
touched his face, or again darkening for a moment as a light
cloud swept a shadow over it, we were half inclined to wish that
it were always Third of July—heat, dust, and Centennial crowd
all included. An equally charming scene was presented on the
lawn in front of the Mansion which was dotted with groups of
sailors, landsmen and mermaids, in every variety of becoming
costume and every stage of enjoyment. It was unanimously
decided to postpone supper to the latest hour consistent with a
safe return to town, and for a couple of all-too-brief hours merri-
ment reigned supreme. But, Shades of the Stoics it is an
unfortunate fact that
“Civilized man cannot live without dining,”
nor can woman, lovely woman, either; so, a little after six, the
party adjourned to the balcony where a cosy little tiffin was
provided for the refection of the storm-tossed mariners. After
loitering over this for an hour and wandering for a few minutes
about the lawn, all hands were piped on deck and orders given
to man the boats. “Facilis descensus Averni,” maybe, but the
style in which our company meandered down that mountain-side
on their way to the river would have caused that pious pagan
fraud, AEneas, to turn green with envy and forswear subterranean
pilgrimages forevermore.
If there had been such a thing as a curfew in the vicinity
32

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
(which there was not), and had it been reliable (which is highly
improbable), it would have tolled the knell of parting day about
an hour before our expedition re-embarked; for the gloom in
which the grand old Century was so soon to disappear had already
settled duskily upon the landscape as we started down the river.
Little rowing was done; we floated slowly along, accompanied
by the steamer bearing the musicians, and save for the occasional
modern strains of Strauss or Gung'l any nocturnal maurauder
who saw the lazily floating flotilla might have thought that a
phantom fleet of
“the dead,
Oar’d by the dumb, went upward with the flood.”
The moon rose bright and clear over the eastern trees as we
reached Belmont and the rest of the home trip was made in its
light. The proposition was made by the forward youth in charge to
board the steamer and dance on its deck, but this was promptly
vetoed by his more considerate companion, so that the time was
passed in chatting and singing. The boat-houses were reached
in safety, the boats were comfortably cradled, and, arrayed once
more in conventional attire, the brave seamen mingled with the
merry throng on the slips. Word was circulated that all who
desired to see the Torchlight procession must take their way into
town, and a party of a score or so set out for the street cars.
The others remained at the boat-houses to have a dance or two
in the large rooms, encouraged thereto by the inviting melody
of “Autograph " and “Cagliostro.”

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
HE indefatigable patriots who were intent upon reviewing the
T torchlight parade from the platform on Fourth Street took a
car at the Park entrance and were borne laboriously into town.
On approaching Broad Street the discovery was made that the
procession was countermarching at Columbia Avenue, and in
consequence Broad Street was blocked by the double column of
men and wagons and the dense crowd of spectators. The car con-
taining our party was denied a passage and ordered to await the
interval left between the several divisions of the parade, but the
music and light and crowd had so excited the more impressible
members of the little expedition that they became impatient lest the
delay should cause them to lose the review down town; so, seeing
their nervousness, one of the gentlemen argued with the driver so
effectively that in spite of considerable opposition and an immense
expenditure of lung-power and profanity, the line was broken
and the car driven resolutely thro’. That conscientious regard
for the truth which guides every action of our life compels us to
admit parenthetically that the glimpse had, as we crossed the
street, of the broad avenue filled with the swaying torches and
dazzling with the exploding fireworks, was by all means the best
view had of the grand procession. Without further interruption
our lumbering vehicle brought us to the corner of Fourth and
Walnut Streets, and in a few minutes we had entered the deserted
halls of the railroad office and seated the party as comfortably as
we could in arm-chairs on the portico. We found that our haste
was needless as there were no indications of the procession, and
34
-- - -
--------- --
------
-




OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
indeed nearly two hours had to be passed in chatting or inspecting
the mysteries of the building before the fragments of the broken
columns began to arrive. “Broken,” alas ! for the route laid
down was so long that but a small number of those parading
ever reached Fourth Street, and those who did had acted the role
of the foolish virgins and failed to take along enough lamp-oil;
so that most of their torches were out and their roman-candles
exhausted.
It has been our great good fortune to receive, thro' that
distinguished gentleman's courtesy, a copy of the report of Mr.
Fri-Tzcun-Lif-Feo-Wen, Imperial Polyglot Commissioner from the
Isles of the Sea, upon this parade, and he has most courteously
granted permission for its translation. It will be found with the
other documents accompanying this Summary, and is so complete
and minute in its relation that it would be a work of supereroga-
tion for the Editor to undertake to supplement it with any word
of his own. To this Report, then, the reader is referred for a
description of the Torchlight Procession and the night's incidents.
It remains for us but to say that the spectacle as viewed from the
Fourth Street balcony was a pronounced, melancholy failure.
One incident whose significance was pardonably misunderstood
by Mr. Wen, may be referred to for the sake of the lesson it teaches
and the answer it gives to carping critics of the “O ! tempora, O !
mores” class: As the last strokes of the State House bell
announced the close of the Third of July and with it the
opening of a new century for our people, one of the party
35

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
called attention to the fact that “one hundred years ago
to-day we became a nation " and proposed that the new
century, our own century, should be welcomed with a hearty
Saxon “Hurrah.” In a moment every hat was doffed and three
as sturdy cheers as ever rose from men's throats were given for
the good old land. And as the echoes died away from under the
balcony a bright, fresh voice said, its owner's eyes filled with
tears and her face flushed with excitement, “It is a dear old
country, after all, isn't it 7” In that short sentence lies the whole
theory and practice of “a government of the people, by the
people and for the people; ” and the quiver in the voice of that
be//e Americaine strikes the keynote of the feeling which would
unite the great Republic's sons in her service when occasion
demanded, whatever their partisan bias or sectional prejudice
might be. “Terque, quaterque beata,” is the cominonwealth
whose children rise to do her spontaneous homage as did those
gallant men that night; and happy beyond all nations is that one
whose gentle, loyal women love and honor it enough to bear such
frank witness to their fealty and affection. No more hopeful
augury for the new century could be found than this little scene,
and no stronger testimony could be adduced to prove that the
spirit which animated the stout-hearted people of Penn's city a
hundred years ago had been inherited by their children of the
third generation and thus given them clear title to claim the
great Centenary as theirs by right of heirship.
It was nearly two o'clock on the morning of the Fourth when
36
OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
our little party separated and went their devious ways homewards,
well wearied with the exertions of the day, but still with ardor
unabated, for all promised to meet again at the portico at half-
past seven for the military review.
HE great day dawned clear and cloudless, and almost from
T sunrise the streets echoed to the cadenced tramp of disciplined
feet and rang with martial music as the troops marched thro'
them to the forming place on Broad Street. The city never
looked so brilliantly and her citizens had never so thronged her
streets: the very air seemed to pulsate with some of the electric
enthusiasm which animated the gathered multitudes. To describe
the scenes and incidents of that memorable morning is a task far
beyond the powers of so unready a writer's pen. Fortune has
again favored us in securing the interest of the Soldier Man in
our cause and he has most generously come to our assistance by
furnishing a graphic and eloquent account of the day in the
report of the Military Review, which will be found following the
translation of Mr. Wen's paper. Himself a prominent actor in
the martial exercises and accompanying the great Parade to its
close, the Soldier Man enjoyed exceptional opportunities for
noting every fact or occurrence of interest, while his known
ability with that weapon which alone can vanquish the sword
ensures a description of the day's events which cannot fail to
delight all who have the privilege of reading it.
“He was a very perfect, gentle knight,”

37

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
and adds to those mentioned qualities a chivalry which leads him
to find his greatest pleasure in serving the fair demoiselles by
every means in his power, so that, as they took so prominent a
part in the morning's display, no more worthy or able raconſeur
could be found to relate their adventures and successes.
“For your applause all perils he would through—
He'll fight—that's write—a cavalliero true,
Till every drop of blood—that's ink—is spilt for you.”
Therefore, it is left for the Editor but to record the impressions
made upon the unprofessional mind by the chief event of the
day's celebration, so far, at least, as popular interest is to be
accepted as the standard.
A distressing case of , rnisplaced confidence and masculine
depravity was witnessed at the very outset. True to their engage-
ment the Heroines and their attendants had gathered at the iron
gates of the railroad office at the time appointed, but the portcullis
was down and no “bearded seneschal” appeared to bid them
welcome. It was indeed but scant courtesy to offer so fair a
company, and deserved censure upon the derelict railroad man
was nearly impending when the culprit appeared and procured
their admittance. All were seated upon the platform which com-
manded an unobstructed view of Fourth Street from Chestnut to
Pine, thus enabling the occupants to have before them the column
both marching and wheeling. The great granite portico shaded
them completely and the south wind blowing up the street kept
the air pleasantly cool during the whole time of their stay.
38


OUR NATION S CENTENARY.
Every moment brought new arrivals until a party of fifty was
gathered together, the ladies placed in front and the men stand-
ing in the rear. Some little time was spent in trimming the
bronze railing with tri-colored bunting, and that completed all
awaited in anxious expectation the appearance of the head of the
column. The bright, clear morning and the cool fresh air com-
bined with the bustle and excitement of the city and the traditions
of the day to raise the spirits of the Heroines to such a pitch that
jest and laughter and repartee showered so steadily from their
lips as to cause some of the non-resident spectators who were
familiar with their exploits of the previous day to wonder whether
the Philadelphia ladies ever did lose their grace and wit. But
the sparkling eyes, laughing faces and ready tongues of our
body of Amazons forewarned any one tempted to inquire upon
this point that he had better calculate very carefully the possible
consequences before essaying to break a conversational lance
with them.
“Who checks at me to death is dight.”
was the haughty message imprinted on each fair face and woe be
to the luckless wight who from accident or overweening reliance
on self dared to dispute their wishes or hesitate in obeying their
most extravagant behests. Naturally so brilliant a gathering so
prominently placed attracted abundant attention ; and well it
might, for to one approaching in the direction of the line of
march the huge portico with its lovely company was the most
conspicuous object in the entire length of Fourth Street. The

39

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
soldier who, having that bevy of Heroines before him, kept his
dull eyes “front" and refused one glance of admiring salute as
he passed must have had a heart of his own pipe-clay and
governed his feelings by Upton's Tactics.
A movement at the eorner of Chestnut street indicated the
approach of the column, and in an instant all else was drowned
in expectancy. It had been the lot of some of the men standing
on the platform to review the picked troops of various lands
and to become very fimiliar during the dark years of the war
with our own soldiery, but all agreed that the uniform, measured
swing of the rifles as they were borne down toward us, and the
proud lithe bearing of the battalions as they passed exceeded,
in their entirety, anything they had before seen. Critically
examined, flaws could here and there be detected in the spacing
of this regiment, or the alignment of that company, or the
uniformity of some change of arms; but, as a whole, the
manner in which those ten thousand citizen-soldiers marched and
bore themselves did them infinite credit and filled their civilian
countrymen with gratified pride. And it would have pleased a
bronze statue of woman-hating Noll himself to see the way
the dames and demoiselles on the reviewing stand received
the troops, and how their cheeks flushed and their eyes filled
as Some particular flag was cheered to the echo or, in
response to a call for applause, some of our visitors were
heartily welcomed. So engrossed were they in the brilliant
pageant and so completely did they enter into its spirit, that as the
40

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
familiar strains of “Marching thro' Georgia” or “My Maryland"
sounded along the streets, tiny feet kept time to their notes and
clear, musical voices hummed the airs. The procession was a
thoroughly representative one, containing detachments from each
of the original States and many of the later ones. Very appro-
priately the handsome corps of West Point cadets led, in
splendid form, the column, and throughout the procession the
North and South had scattered their worthiest troops in friendly
rivalry.
&
A various host—from kindred realms they came,
Brethren in arms and rivals in renown ; ”
and it was a sight to remember when, on the announcement that
this regiment was from South Carolina, or that from Virginia or a
third from Massachusetts the cheer rang out and the patter of
gentle hands added their generous applause. What wonder that,
as they passed the spot where so cordial a welcome was given to
the palmetto leaves and so warm a reception granted the old pine-
tree flag, the officers gallantly saluted the beauty, the lowered
ensigns acknowledged the courtesy, and the pleased faces in the
ranks responded to the enthusiasm of those whole-souled country-
women To the vagrant reporter who, when not acting as
interpreter of the different State-flags and regimental insignia was
studying the honest, impulsive actions of these earnest citoyennes
in cold-blooded interest, the sight was one to give lasting pleasure
and inspire deepest respect for them.
As the troops swung by within a few feet of it, the reviewing party
41

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
distinguished many friends in the rank and file of the column
and such awarded their meed of the unstinted commendation,
the famous City Troop especially being received com amore.
Much interest was evinced in the arrival of the General Staff
of the Second Pennsylvania Brigade, Brigadier General
Thayer in command, for among the officers attached to it
was included our redoubtable Soldier Man, and some one of his
many admirers had distributed a score of pond-lilies among the
party to be strewn in the hero's path on his approach. As the
gallant staff drew near and the familiar face of the doughty Dux
was discerned the word was given and
Perfume and flowers fell in showers
That lightly rained from ladies' hands.
But it was an unkind deed, for it caused an evident struggle in the
worthy warrior's breast as to whether gallantry or discipline were
to give way: very properly the former prevailed and, raising his
chapeau in true military style, our martial co-adjutor acknow-
ledged the compliment and passed from our tear-dimmed vision.
The Seventh and Twenty-third New York regiments were greeted
with a heartiness that drew from them a marching salute and
next to the West Point cadets they excited most interest in the
eyes of our ladies. But the great feature of the parade was the
Centennial Legion, composed of the picked command of each of
the original thirteen states. As a matter of sufficient interest to
warrant the digression we give the names and states of this corps:
42




OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
NEW HAMPSHIRE, . . 12th N. H. Regiment, Battery B.
MASSACHUSETTS, . . Boston Light Infantry.
RHoDE ISLAND, . . Providence Light Infantry.
CONNECTICUT, . . New Haven Grays.
NEW YORK, . . . The Old Guard.
NEw JERSEY, . . . Phil. Kearney Guard.
PENNSYLVANIA, . . The State Fencibles.
DELAWARE, . . . The Wilmington American Rifles.
MARYLAND, . . . 5th Maryland Regiment (Detachment).
VIRGINIA, . . . . 4th Virginia (Norfolk) Artillery.
NoRTH CAROLINA, . Fayetteville Independent Light Infantry.
SOUTH CAROLINA, . . Washington Light Infantry (Charleston).
GEORGIA, . . . . . The Clinch Rifles.
From the moment that this batalion appeared until its last
file wheeled into Pine Street the whole neighborhood literally
resounded with cheers, and the old “Eutaw Flag,” presented to
Gen. Wrm. Washington during the Revolution, which was borne
by the Charleston troops, seemed to carry along with it a swell of
cheering which marched with it as it swept by. A very impressive
incident was the bearing of palmetto sprays in their rifle muzzles
by the Boston company, and the like carriage of pine twigs by
the South Carolina representative corps; a fact which was
instantly noticed and greeted with thunders of approval. With
the passage of this superbly drilled Legion the most noticeable
and significant feature of the whole Centenary celebration passed
into American History; for the men whose grandfathers had
43

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
fought side by side for the undisputed right of that Eutaw Flag
to take its place among the ensigns of the earth as the standard
of an independent nation, sacrificing therefor their “lives, and
y
fortunes and sacred honor,” had themselves in the miserable
fury of civil war stood face to face in deadly struggle for five long,
weary, heart-saddening years; but now, the dead past buried
with its gallant dead, “gallant” on both sides, for whether
buried in butternut or blue the brave boys were Americans all
—they were the sons of the Great Republic and marched with
equally proud step under Old Glory whether to the strains of
“John Brown” or “Dixie.” It was Philadelphia's due that hers
should be the privilege, as it surely was her pleasure, to welcome
with her cordial, impartial hospitality the re-united brotherhood of
colonies, for the first time in so many years assembled to do
common honor to their common country's birth-place. How
genuine was this hospitality and how unstintedly it was meted
out was witnessed in the ringing cheers of her sons and the
flushing faces of her daughters as the men from the Merrimac
and the Savannah,
“Shadowed alike by the pine and the palm,”
passed before them, each striving in amicable rivalry to stand
highest with their Quaker sisters of the Schuylkill. Was it only
a well-planned incident in the day's commemoration that placed
those emblems together; or shall we, ignoring the boundaries of
rivers and mountains and parallels of latitude, accept it as an

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
indication that in his noble verse Whittier speaks indeed for the
whole nation ?
“Our father's God from out whose hand
The centuries fall like grains of Sand,
We meet to-day, united, free,
And loyal to our land and Thee,
To thank Thee for the era done,
And trust Thee for the opening one.”
Shall not we, whose own the “opening era” is and with whom
rests the shaping of its destinies, adopt the latter interpretation
and see to its fulfilment so far as in us lies 2
Very reluctantly did our fair charges see the last company
tramp past, and longingly did they watch the files of gleaming
rifles wheel into Pine street, for the close of the Grand March-Past
was to them the end of a period of such healthy, elevating
excitement as but rarely falls to the lot of any nation's
children. Unwittingly and without a thought of so doing,
however, they had borne their part in pointing the day's lesson ;
for their frank, hearty, loyalty and enthusiasm had done the
work allotted the “maidens pure” of Arthur's mystic realm of
Cameliard :
“Not only to keep down the base in man,
But teach high thought, and amiable words
And courtliness, and the desire of fame,
And love of truth, and all that makes a man.”
Tº official, formal ceremonies commemorative of the day
whose anniversary was celebrating were held, most appro-
priately, in Independence Square. Great platforms had been built
45

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
for the guests from our own and many foreign lands who had
assembled either in compliment to our country or to solemnly
render thanks for the century closed and worthily inaugurate the
one just opening; and tiers of seats were erected for the orchestra
of 250 performers and the chorus of 1,200 singers who were to
render the music proposed.
We have placed at the end of our little volume an appendix as
a matter of historic interest, the complete official programme of
the day's celebration as promulgated on the Third of July by
the United States Centennial Commission. However entertain-
ing and interesting the other events of the Fourth might have
been, the exercises held under the walls of the time-honored
Hall constituted the acknowledged national recognition of the
century's happy completion, and through the stirring words then
and there said or sung and permanently recorded will pass to
the future the testimony in behalf of this generation as to how
it expressed its gratitude for its goodly heritage and accepted
the great trust imposed upon it.
No better place could have been chosen for reviewing the
ceremonies than the spacious rooms of the Insurance Man, and
when to the comforts of the cool apartments the thoughtfulness
of our host added the positive luxuries of two huge buckets of
. excellent lemonade and numberless quarts of ground-nuts the
happiness of our party approached the ecstatic. The scene
from the windows was most interesting. The platforms were all
crowded with men and ladies, and hung with draped flags;
46

º
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**º-
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OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
underneath the trees were standing or sitting several thousand
spectators, but partly shielded from the scorching sun which was
now nearing the meridian ; and the windows of the houses
surrounding the Square were all well filled. In the rear, forming
an excellent background to the animated picture, rose the
dull red walls of the old Hall. As one after the other of the
distinguished men from from all parts of the world mounted the
dais and were recognized they were greeted with cordial applause,
and that popular monarch, Dom Pedro of Brazil, was received
with prolonged shouts of welcome.
The exercises began shortly before I 1 o'clock with a grand
musical flourish which was well rendered, but differed in no
respect from the national music familiar to all. Very greatly to
the regret of the good people of Philadelphia and to the intense
disappointment of the whole nation the President of the United
States was not able to take part in the ceremonies which had
drawn together so brilliant an assemblage from the farthest
corners of the earth to do courteous honor to the government
and nation whose Chief he was. Royalty itself uncovered its
time-whitened head as it passed beneath the Great Republic's
flag, but no one was there to recognize this graceful, noble
compliment save a subordinate lieutenant of the people and a
throng of self-constituted officials. Happily, as we have stated,
the people at large atoned for the unfortunate accident which
debarred the President from enjoying the proudest distinction
ever offered an untitled citizen of any nationality, that of
47

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
receiving upon the One Hundredth Anniversary of his nation's
birth as the chosen representative of its forty millions of free
people, the congratulations and well-wishes of the congregated
family of nations.
The greatest interest was manifested by the throng present in
all the exercises ; but when, at the conclusion of Mr. Holmes'
hymn, the word was passed that the next incident would be the
reading of the Declaration of Independence from the original
century-old parchment, interest gave way to eager anticipation,
and the strained eyes and stilled tongues showed that this was ſhe
great moment of the Centennial Year. A slight movement on
the rostrum, a falling back of its company, and the burly form of
Mayor Stokley appeared holding aloft our Magna Charta. To
all save the half-dozen individuals nearest it it was a square yard
of dungy vellum encased in a plain walnut frame; but every man,
woman and child in those thousands knew that it was thro' that
yellow blur on the platform's dark ground that they that day were
free citizens of the freest land that the bright Summer's sun
overhead ever shone upon ; and that thro’ those faded pen-strokes
they then were able, as they received the greetings of the nations
of the Old World, to give them its dignified message, that we are
to them as to all men “enemies in war” alone, “in peace
friends” with all our heart. And their recognition of this was
indescribable; cheer followed cheer in apparently endless suc-
cession and unwearying vehemence, while square, and platforms
and windows were only surfaces of fluttering kerchiefs and waving
48

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
hats. And once more, and for the last time, the lovely faces of
the Heroines were alternately blanched and flushed with emotion
as the brave, gentle blood went and came ; and for the last time
there was a suspicious glitter in their bright eyes and an unwonted
quaver in their clear voices as they turned from the wild scene
just closed.
It was of course impossible for the vast majority of the
multitude to hear anything of the addresses and poems there
read ; so after the reading of the Declaration a movement
homewards was inaugurated. Some few desired to hear the
Doxology sung by the throng, but the party soon dwindled away,
promising to re-assemble in the evening at the railroad depot to
take the fireworks train. Even those who left earliest had but
very few hours in which to take much needed rest and refresh-
ment. >
RRONEOUSLY adopting the baseless assertion emanating
E from that artistic Athenian, Apelles, that a cobbler knew
more of shoes than of statuary, the description of this railway
excursion was entrusted to that erratic individual, the Railroad
Man. Candor compels us to admit that we wish we hadn't done
it. The motley production forwarded in response to our request is
such a fantastic jumble of Mark Twain and Munchausen that we
are greatly inclined to characterize the author by the title we
heard applied to him on this very excursion by a Heroine,
“D-nk—y ;” but knowing the delicate sensibilities of the youth
and the known tenuity of his moral epidermis we refrain from
49

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
pitching his imbecile manuscript into the waste-paper basket lest
his tender feelings be lacerated. While we condemn his method
we must acknowledge the veracity of his description of the
fireworks, which were a “fizzle” of the most decided type.
Like the King of France we ascended to the summit of a pre-
cipitous ridge only to wend our way back again with accelerated
speed. What few fireworks were visible were like all others;
in the classic words of the venerable Daniel Tucker, Esq.,
deceased,
“Some were red and some were yeller,
And some were the color of an old umbreller,”
and nobody seemed especially sad when they heard that the end
WaS COIne.
TITH the “thud" of the last rocket-stick as it struck the green
turf in the East Park closed the formal celebration of Our
Nation's Centenary, and the Fourth of July with its incidents and
interest took its place with the dead days of the previous hundred
years. A great day, a glorious and a memorable day, its record
will be penned by worthy hands and go down to the future with its
lesson of patriotism and gratitude. The Editor has merely under-
taken the Supervision of a jesting relation of the day's adventures
written to amuse a few kind friends and serving as a thread (tho' a
ragged one) to bind together for their common entertainment
their portraits and the views of places remembered as the scenes
of pleasant occurrences. Rude and clumsy as is the warp and
50




OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
woof of our tale there may be found in the coarsely woven cloth
here and there a fragment of better material which will revive
Some reminiscence of the day's more sober side.
“Our theme shall be of yesterday
Which to oblivion sweeps away
Like those of old.”
But while the theme may fade from memory's changeful
camera and the trifling details of the forty-eight hours pass
wholly away with the “floating wrack” of our lighter memories, so
long as we are capable of recollection we will bear in mind the
chiefest pleasure of the day, the study of our gentle Heroines
We have acknowledged our indebtedness to them for their
lessons of loyalty and frankness; let us pause a moment ere we
pass beyond their gentle influence and separate, to ask their
judgment upon us unworthy volunteers in their service. Ah
their kindness for once overcomes their honesty, and their decision
is withheld in charity. Let us hope that our sins are only “not
proven,” and that their approval may some day by earnest
effort be gained. And let us all, dames and damsels and ruder
knights, resolve to take heed to our ways; that we may, as the
birthdays of the nation follow each other through the new
century, do our share to ensure the esteem and receive the
bene-merito of the sequent generations.
We can find no better nor more fitting expression of our duty
and danger than in the solemn words of Evarts' address, and the
warning contained in Bayard Taylor's Ode:
51

OUR NATION'S CENTENARY.
“What shall they say of us How shall they estimate the
part we bear in the unbroken line of the nation's progress 2 And
so on, in the long reach of time, forever and forever, our place in
the secular roll of the ages must always bring us into observation
and criticism. Under this double trust, then, from the past and
for the future, let us take heed to our ways, and while it is called
To-day, resolve that the great heritage we have received shall be
handed down through the long line of the advancing generations,
the home of liberty, the abode of justice, the stronghold of faith
among men, ‘which holds the moral elements of the world
together,’ and of faith in God, which binds that world to His
throne.”
“But half the right is wrested
When victory yields her prize,
And half the marrow tested
When old endurance dies.
In the sight of them that love thee,
Bow to the Greater above theel
He faileth not to Smite
The idle ownership of right,
Nor spares to sinews fresh from trial,
And virtue schooled in long denial,
The tests that wait for thee
In larger perils of prosperity.
Here, at the Century's awful shrine,
Bow to thy Fathers’ God—and thine !”
52

THE LOG OF THE " LORELEI."
“Masters, I cannot spin a yarn
Twice laid with words of silken stuff.
A fact’s a fact; and ye may larn
The rights o' this, though wild and rough
My words may loom. 'Tis your consarn,
Not mine, to understand.”
53







THE LOG OF THE “LO RELEI.”
“Oh, list not what land-lubbers say,
But lend an ear to me;
And I will tell what me befell,
For I’ve just come from the sea.”
JULY 3D, 1876.
Afrom 12 to 4 P. M.
HE watch commences clear, warm, and pleasant; with
general orders to the crew to be ready for sea at 4 P.M.
At 3.30 the convoys began to arrive at the boat-
house, each one noticing on its arrival a peculiar
object—red in the upper part of the body and a sort of white (or
what might be taken for white) in the lower part—calmly seated
in a single-scull on the bosom of the placid Schuylkill. As each
lady asked, “What is that?” the initiated replied, “Turtle-orner;”
and the inquirer turned away, apparently satisfied that she knew
about as much as before, if not less. About this time clouds began
to be noticed on the party horizon, caused, the scientific portion
of the party thought, by men seeing their girls carrying on with
other men. These vapors soon disappeared happily, for, as the
joker of the party remarked, “’tis an ill wind that don't blow both
* This was a water-turtle, not one of the T. W. C.—ED.

55

THE LOG OF THE " LORELEI."
ways; " and the perturbed men satisfied themselves by having a
good time with somebody else's girl. The belle of the fleet
remarked, “that she had never heard that quotation rendered in
exactly those words;” but upon one of the strangers asking “have
you seen the Centennial " she thought it best to dampen the last
remark lest he might expatiate on a new subject.
A lady sounded a whistle, and a cry was heard ringing over the
molten surface of the river and echoed back from the freight cars
on the other side, “Turtle, are you ready ?" After a few minutes
it was more emphatically repeated; but Turtle was not ready ; and
it was learned by some that this cry had reference to the red and
white object on the slip. At the second call of the whistle the
boats were manned and waited in the stream for the flag-boat,
which was detained. After rowing about for position, the “Lorelei"
shot in for Charles, the manager, who, it seemed, was trying to
explain in aldermanic English to those benighted foreigners, who
did not understand anything but Italian, the object of the expedi-
tion, what to play and when to play it. Some one of the unfortu-
nate forasſier; exclaimed, “no enfiendo.” Charles answered,
“By thunder, / intend ſo make you.” Ned remarked that sooner
than destroy the harmony of the party, he would dance a jig; but
the party seeing that he was in earnest, preferred to postpone it, if
possible, and, getting under way, started for Strawberry.
4 to 6 P. M.
Clear, warm, and pleasant, with a little blow from the naval
lieutenant on the Admiral's staff; Squadron in order of battle, each

THE LOG OF THE " LOR ELEI.''
boat being ready to beat the slowest. The light-house lieutenant,
getting sentimental, remarked,
“Ships our cradles, decks our pillows,
Lulled by winds and rocked by billows,
Gaily bound we over the tide,
Hope our anchor, ''
but just as he was about to give the name of his “guide," the
railroad man, broke in with, “I say, lieutenant, I thought you navy
men had a soft thing of it; I don't believe you ever slept on the
deck for a pillow in your life;” so the favored girl's name was
lost to posterity and his “guide'' unknown. At 6 P. M. landed at
a cross between an
Strawberry ; a peculiar noise being heard,
asthmatic trombone and the roar of a bull-elephant, everybody
remarked simply, “Our sailor man's horn.” With the impetus
given by this blast the party started up the hill.
A70/z 6 ſo 8 P. M.
WHAT THE STRANGER SAW.”
ſ was enjoying my nap on the lawn after dinner, which con-
sisted of crackers, cheese, and sherry cob—I don't drink, but this
was a very warm afternoon,_when I heard a noise, and saw what
I thought was a fireman's Company, or a Sunday-school party,
coming up the hill, dressed in red and white, or blue and white;
* Some of us saw this Stranger. He was clad in a yellow duster and a faded
umbrella; from his pocket protruded the end of a red ‘‘ Guide,” and through the thin
sides of his thinner valise were dimly discernible the outlines of a tooth-brush and a
flask. Verdict, “Centennialite.”—ED.
57

THE LOG OF THE " LORELEI.''
some had U. B. C. on the hats, others P. B. C. Couldn't think
at first what that meant. Evidently woman-haters, “United
Bachelor's Club '' and “Peculiar Bachelor's Club.” But in that
case, what are these fair creatures with them 2 Angels 2 Can
they descend to earth 2 If any person don't believe it, let
him look at those beings of light. Why are not all angels in
pictures painted to resemble these ? Thus pondering, I was
carried back to dreamland and childhood's happy days; and
while trying to recall those lines about wanting to be one of them,
a deep voice exclaimed, “Go on with the music; waiter, some
shandy-gaff.” With a start I came to my senses; surely that
voice is of mortal man, I thought; but the others, what are they
The breeze murmured “Philadelphia ladies,” and I was satisfied.
What was that crowd collecting, you ask, all exclaiming, “Music,
music,” and policemen too, well, the policemen were afraid
that those angels would take wings and fly away, so they stopped
the music. One mortal man proposed to “go ahead with the music
and never mind the police,” but another answered “that we might
as well interfere with a wasp who meant business as with a park-
guard.” The next call was for “ dinner.” What! give those
angels dinner P Alas ! they moved with rapidity toward the
table,
“Fond woman The vision of a moment made
Dream of a dream and shadow of a shade l—"
But who is that last man, with a blue and white cap, hitching his
pants and rolling like an old salt P. Somebody called him Dick,-





THE LOG OF THE " LORELEI.''
who can he be? I always thought the city owned the Park, but I
may be mistaken. What is that bird making all that noise for 2–
My carriage” ready ?—thanks.
WHAT THE BIRD SAID TO HER CHILDREN.
“Birdies, I was flying about amongst the brushes this afternoon
and saw some men and lovely women climbing Strawberry Hill.
Although quite a large party of them, they came under the trees
in pairs. Under the first tree was a man wearing a red shirt,
and a girl, and after resting for some time and talking on different
subjects she remarked, “Isn't this a wild place for a proposal P I
never had one in my life.” Now wasn't that nice in her ? But
the brute answered “Yum, yum.” He was an old bird, and was
not to be caught with chaff.
The next tree had a man with a blue and white uniform, and
when he remarked : -
“There are still many sorrowful things in life,
But the saddest of all is loving;”
She answered,
“Yes, and look before you ere you leap,
For as you sow you're like to reap."
The third tree had two very quiet ones under it, who said very
little, but looked a great deal; and after some time he remarked :
“I was obliged to go away as you know, and as you probably
wonder why, I will explain. Did you ever read Falconer's
Shipwreck 2 where he says:
* It was a Girard Avenue car.—ED.
59

THE LOG OF THE " LORELEI.''
“With all her powers, dissenting Reason strove
To tame at first the kindling flames of love;
She strove in vain; subdued by dreams divine
My soul a victim fell at beauty's shrine.”
She answered him ; but how she blushed
“For love had aim'd the fatal shaft too sure;
Hope fed the wound, and Absence knew no cure.”
After an interval she continued : “I am glad you are back,
for when you were away I always * >
“Yum, yum—Lorelei ahoy!” Somebody called out (and under
his breath)—
"Still cooing and fond and billing,
Like Phillip and Mary on a shilling.”
A70/z & Żo ZO P. M.
At 8 P. M. the Lorelei got underway. Charlie, the manager,
insisted upon waiting for a stranger, but as Ned was dancing
his jig and it was not certain when he would finish, and the
stranger had promised to be back to catch the 8 A. M. train
next morning, he got on board the Lorelei and we started down
with the tide and music.
At 8.15 the moon was seen over the bridge, and everybody
appeared sad ; the sailor man, pulling stroke, more so than the
rest; a lady remarked, “Why so sad, Mr. Lieutenant 2 you appear
so at times; you must have had a disappointment in your life.”
She was answered, with a sigh, “Yes.” “Oh do tell us about it;
y
please do,” all the ladies exclaimed ; and he, in a melancholy
voice, told his mournful story as follows:
60

THE LOG OF THE “LORELEI.''
“Once I was happy, but now not a bit;
I'm like an old coat, all tattered and split;
Betray'd by a young girl, not out of her teens,
Whose only accomplishment was eating beans;
For you know I'm a sailor, and this wide world do roam,
And all the time wander away from my home.
In cruising around, a young maid, you See,
Made a fool of your servant, not relished by me.
You ask why I'm sad? there comes o'er me sometimes
A feeling that drives me to water and limes.”
The party recovered but slowly from this heart-rending tale.
One of the ladies, recovering first from her sobs, asked, “I wonder
if you could catch fish here 2'' Andrew promptly replied, “Yes,
I suppose so ; last week at Newcastle, I caught a shark and cut
his head off and threw it overboard. The fish not liking this
disgrace turned around and swallowed his own head. That's
doing pretty well for the Little Diamond, isn't it?”
The railroad man exclaimed :
“Aſ'm / I smell a rat,
Andrew, thou dost prevaricate.”
Now Andrew, always known to say the right thing in the right
place, answered from the same author :
“For truth is precious and divine;
Too rich a pearl for carnal swine.”
Somebody, to break up this little war, remarked, “Just hear the
musquitoes how they buzz; " but she was answered from the bow,
“No it isn't, it is Jimmy talking a girl to death.”
61

THE LOG OF THE “LORELEI."
The stranger commencing to feel sentimental, asked if somebody
would not sing, and the railroad man and Charles, the manager,
sang in different keys that sweet air, “Hoop La,” which ran as
follows:
“Once I was little,
Thought I was big ;
Now I'm a giant,
Don't care a fig.
“When I was nobody,
Felt quite a chap;
Now that I'm somebody,
Don't care a snap."
After encoring, it was proposed that the stranger should sing,
and first remarking “that he did not sing without his notes, and
that he was from New York,” he commenced the following touching
ballad:
“That's all worn-out talk they say:
Don't see any of it now.
Spooning on your fiancée
Isn't good taste anyhow."
Another boat passing at this time called out “Ahoy! is anybody
sick P We thought we heard groaning.”
At 9.15 the Lorelei arrived at the boat-house; and the log ends
with all hands homeward bound, and a faint echo conveys to their
ears through the night air, “Turtle, are you ready , ” but to this
day they have not found out whether Turtle was prepared for the
performance of his mysterious task or not.



Birthrill Friis
ſ uſ Jihl
EIIIſ.
Official Feport to His Government by
His Excellency,
FRI-TVCUN-LIF-FE0–WEN,
Inn perial Polyglot Conn missioner.
TRANSLATED BY
THE EDITOR.
63

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
To the ZXivine Sei-i-fai–Shogun, Barbarian—repressing—Com-
mander-in-chief, Aſealth, Aſa/piness and Prosperity for a
//housand years /
OW true is the remark of the Never-to-be-sufficiently-
extolled-and-always-to-be-supremely-venerated Nichi-
ren, that “between two absolutely identical and
precisely similar objects, but little difference is ob-
servable !” The deep, unanswerable truth of this profound
utterance of the inspired sage struck your Mighty Majesty's
humblest servant never so much as last night, when he gazed
on the strangest sight that has yet greeted his despicable vision
since he suffered the agony of seeing the lordly Fuji-yama
sink below the horizon and bade a sad farewell to the Land of
the Blooming Chrysanthemum. For, as those justly execrated
enemies of your Sublime Worship, the dogs of China (confusion
rest upon their shaven polls'), celebrate every event which should
appeal to their deepest feelings and be received with the most
dignified composure, by a childish and imbecile blowing of horns,
ringing of bells and banging of crackers; so do these peculiar

65

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
people of the Far East express their joy, satisfaction and gratitude.
Therefore all honor be to the learned Sun-lotus who so marvellously
traced the likeness between these widely separated and otherwise
wholly dissimilar races of barbarians ! Surely, there is no Buddha
but Buddha, and Buddha himself is his own best Interpreter lº
Tsukumichi Sekizáwa, hidaka ziro ishii akekío yoshida, tapioca-
Săgogum !
The occasion of the celebration was the one hundredth celebra-
tion of the discovery of the country by the Genoese navigator
William Penn, and the enthusiasm and interest displayed ex-
ceeded that shown by the population of Jeddo on any occasion
other than that of a triple ſari-Kari. And we of the Land of the
Gods (peace be to the spirit of Jimmu Tenno, its Founder () can
afford to acknowledge that the white skinned people have reason
to be somewhat elated. For it is written in the Year Book of
Penn's voyage that he found the people Savage, naked, living in
huts and without laws , yet now, in the short time that has since
elapsed, they have learned to clothe themselves (altho' awkwardly),
built great houses, travel more rapidly than the Illustrious
Mikado's chief runner, talk with one another at distances greater
than that from Kagoshima to Hakodaté, and do many other
equally surprising things. As to laws, in their brief existence
y
* The word here translated “Interpreter” may by some be considered better rendered
“talking machine.” The root in the first three syllables is identical, changing in the
last; the difference being between twe-ed-led-um and twe-ed-led-ee. This, at least, is
the version given by the distinguished Japanese who wrote the report, Mr. F. T. L.
Wen, himself a Hajji Matai, or Talking Machine of the First Rank in his own country
—and elsewhere.—TRANs.
66

-







A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
they have made more than has our glorious Country of Peaceful
Shores in the whole period of its existence, and those of the
oddest; for whenever they do not like the laws they break them
and do not suffer;=which to me seems an excellent system for a
popular government and one worthy of being introduced into the
Fertile Plain of Sweet Flags. Such being the progress and
ingenuity of the people, I am sure I shall receive your Surpassing
Wisdom's approbation when you learn that on all occasions I
have taken pains to encourage and stimulate this young nation
to continue in its work of development, Nay, should they perse-
vere, it is not unlikely that in another one thousand years they
may be as well advanced towards the Summit of Perfection as is
your own most noble Dominion to-day.
But to make my report:-The place from which I was invited
to view the curious spectacle was the balcony of the building
y
occupied by one of those associations called “rail-roads,” which
in this extraordinary country are formed to defraud people of
wealth, oppress the poor, kill and mangle persons of both sexes
and all conditions, defile the air with noisome gases, fire their
neighborhoods with coals, disturb rest with diabolical shrieks and
screams, scar and deface lovely landscapes and do much else
that we of the Land of Great Gentleness would consider pernicious
and wicked.*
I arrived at the appointed place at about the hour of the Fox
* It will gratify the sensitive American reader to know that since the above was
written a free pass has been sent Mr. Wen and, in consequence, no further attacks of
this character upon the cherished monopolies of our country need be apprehended.—TRANs.
67

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
and found the balcony converted into a rude platform on which
were some thirty or forty men and women, mostly young, of what
would be in the Everlasting Grand Japan, the samurai class.
The men were awkward, uncouth creatures, altho' kindly
disposed and courteous; but the women were fair to look upon,
as lovely as the daughters of Sosanoë, the Heaven Illuminating
Goddess. Their faces were as fair and calm as is the far away
gleam of the snow fields from the edge of Hakoné when the
moon lights up the Sacred Mountain; their eyes were as bright
and sparkling as was the glitter of the sun on the Great Kato's
helmet; when they talked their voices were like the rustling of
the wind thro' the groves of Nikko, and their laughter was as the
ripple of the waves on Biwa's shore. Verily, Your Highness, if I
have to be beheaded for it, I must be permitted to bear testimony
to the surpassing loveliness of the daughters of this odd land in
general and of this city in particular.
The streets were thronged with multitudes of the shoãonin
caste, but they were orderly, quiet and respectful. The building
where we were was lighted with hundreds of candles, like the
great temple of Kuanon on a maſsuri day. For an hour nothing
occurred; every one was conversing quietly, the men rising at
intervals and serving snow-water to the women. I could not
ascertain the meaning of this ceremony; it was very gravely
done, and impressed me with respect for the frugal and temperate
character of the people. After an hour, at the time of the Rat,
a great bell struck and a young man who had been running
68

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
about a great deal and talking very much,” stood in the doorway
looking at his pocket-clock, and made a great noise with his
hands and said something very rapidly, ending up with “Hee-
peep;” and when he said “Hee-peep ’’ all the men stood up and
yelled loudly three times, and screamed “Tiger ſ” When I
heard that I was very much terrified, and looked all around, but
saw nothing of the horrible animal; so I suppose the uproar
frightened him away, and that that was the reason why the men
yelled and the bell struck. Then the man who started the noise
went and shook hands with one of the young women very
Solemnly ; then another man did, and then three or four more
did. And when I asked why they did this, I was told that it was
the nativity-day of the young woman, and that she was born on
the same day that the country was discovered ; so she must have
been one hundred years old, although she did not look nearly
that. I deem this quite worthy of remark, as showing how
singularly well these barbarians hide their age.
After this nothing of special interest took place for some time ;
all present devoting themselves to grave and dignified discourse.
Suddenly a sound of rattling and cheering was heard up the
street, and shortly afterwards two or three carriages drove past.
All of our party jumped to their feet, the men cheering loudly
and clapping their hands. I could not see any one in the carriages,
but as there were men seated in front carrying large square lamps
covered with characters I supposed they were shrines of some
* This is a base, pagan libel.—TRANs.
69

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
kind. Then some men passed upon horseback, whom the
Americans called “butchers,” a very fine body of troops wearing
white cotton armor and looking as though they would be very
good fighters in battle. Then there was a long wait and nothing
happened; but by-and-by some men walked along with torches
on their shoulders, and Some wagons passed carrying men and
women who burned red and blue lights and fired off rockets.
Then there was nothing again. After that some more carriages
went past with people in them, and all our party shouted until
the people rose and waved their hats up toward the roof of our
portico, instead of at us. They were Englishmen from the great
island country, a shy and bashful race, and I suppose they did
not like to look at so many pretty women's eyes. After they had
gone by, a handsome man with a black moustache said,
“Givedela wareabene fit !” which was Indian, I presume, but
they all seemed to understand it; for when a carriage passed
marked with large Square characters, so, DELAWARE, he and
two of the women were very greatly pleased because every body
made much noise. Then some more wagons and more men with
torches passed, and then the candles went out, and the people in
the streets went home, and the festival was over. Then every one
shook hands and gave the others the blessing by saying,
“Gudnite Seyu lata,” and separated.
And may it please your Ineffable Brightness, that was all there
was of it; and I humble myself at your royal feet because there
was not more to describe ; but it was not my fault.
70






A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
Finally, to complete my task, I crave your merciful considera-
tion while I offer, as it is both my duty and my pleasure, the
inferences drawn from this festival as to the character and
customs of the people:
Ist. The common people are very good-natured and remarkably
self-contained; for a crowd in the Cliff-buttressed Island would
have made the managers of such a show perform se//u/ºu upon
the spot.
2d. The people of gentle condition are far more hardy and
enduring than elsewhere, and are also very easily amused ; for
they sat for several hours in the middle of the night, after a day
of great exertion, to see a few men go by in carriages and on
foot, yet were bright and clever all the time.
3d. The men respect the women very much, and provide most
carefully for all their wants; doing everything for them that they
wish—and a good deal that they don't.
4th. Your Majesty, that I gather from my observations that the
influence exercised by these radiant damsels upon the ruder men
is of the best, and its extent is limited only by their disposition to
exert it.
5th. That it would be well for all barbarous nations if they
imitated the example of this one in training their people to care
for their country and its welfare; for here every body thinks first
of it, then of their countrymen, and last of themselves; all talk
a great deal of Liberty and Freedom, and nothing but peace and
prosperity among the people, and disinterested patriotism and

A BARBARIAN FEAST OF LANTERNS.
true liberality of mind and action among the higher classes is to
be seen.” Would that in their religious affairs they but practiced
the tenets of Siddartha or his servant Confucius, for then indeed
would they be on the high road to Eternal Felicity
Before the Lord of the Eight Great Islands I prostrate myself:
may he deign to condone the innumerable errors of his humble,
unworthy follower, ~–f
sex.'
FRI-TzcuN-LIF-FEo-WEN. | J
*—y—’
* Mr. Wen does us rather “too much proud.”—TRANs.
# This seal would be reproduced but for its intricate design. It represents a dragon,
azure, standing on its tail, Aroffer, on an island, argent, eating chrysanthemums, zert,
and pointing with its left claw, which is circled with six bangles, or, to the statue of
the Roman Gladiator, sa&/e, surmounting Memorial Hall. Its signification is, “From
the proud land of the Dragon I am sent, ever mindful of my friends and country, to the
City of the Great Exhibition.” Its motto is, “ Toi Seul.”—TRANs.
72


THE MILITARY REVIEW.
“O, young Lochinvar is come out of the West,
Through all the wide Border his steed was the best,
And, save his good broad-sword, he weapons had none;
He rode all unarmed, and he rode all alone.
So faithful in love, and so dauntless in war,
There never was knight like the young Lochinvar."
73


THE MILITARY REVIEW.
T hath fallen to the lot of the war correspondent
attached to the staff of “ye fayre companie'' of the
Heroines of ye Glorious Fourth, Anno Domini, 1876,
to recount a little how they came together to witness
the military parade on the morning of that day. They were not
early birds but very sleepy ones, having sought the arms of
Morpheus but for an hour or two. The gait with which they
approached their post of observation lacked something of that
airy grace it was wont to have and bright eyes—which erst could
endorse a “fib '' without a blink—looked a trifle as if too much
—or too little—of slumber had been with them recently. On that
centennial anniversary of successful rebellion more than one fair
subject exhibited unmistakable evidence that the spirit which the
day commemorated was far from extinct; that should any tactless
lover then and there command obedience, he would have his
order for his pains and, possibly, something else.
“Treason doth never prosper, what's the reason 2
When it doth prosper, none dare call it treason ''
quoted some one, not quite awake and still continuing to dream.
“Stop him no shop ! shop not allowed on this lovely morning
7
5

THE MILITARY REVIEW.
when the sun of Austerlitz is surpassed by the beauteous orb that
has just—begun to melt us, and—by Jove *—if he goes it all
day in proportion to the commencement, the end thereof will
discover that thermometers are not—nor we either.”
“Who's that grumbling and growling already ? one fellow
spouting poetry and another attempting to convince us that he
has read history; it's intolerable. I say, there comes that wretched
railroad man, both hands full of pond lilies '''
“Good morning, got them '''
“Got what? who's going to have a funeral P”
“These lilies: they are to assist in furnishing a corpse for a
y
first-class military funeral; you see when “Dux' comes by we
will gently propel them at his horse's head;—he (the horse), not
the gentlest of beasts, will naturally rear and shy, and may
deposit the inanimate body of a “late Dux' upon the pavement
at Our feet.”
77 e Sai/or man. —“Now that is a little philanthropic movement
in which I shall be delighted to take part—Ducks (Dux) should
like pond lilies anyhow.”
“That will be charming, we can wear white mourning for him,
emblematic of his youth and innocence.”
“Do you think Ma'amselle Charming, yours a correct in-duc-
tion P’’
“Phew! I smell salt in that remark | I didn't know our sailor iad
* Kind allowance must be made here for an honest soldier's bluntness: a life of frontier
duty is sadly conducive to profanity.—ED.





THE MILITARY REVIEW.
had arrived; but that pun Smacks of him a mile off. I will stake
my immortal fame (that is to be) that he can make worse puns
and more of them in any given time than any other soul in
Christendom.”
“Faith, these remarks be of a bitter and a pun—gent order . "
“Incorrigible: but where's our Imperial Jap?”
“Don’t know, he's always late, and the last seen of him last
evening, he was in the tender care of a policeman; paid him I
believe to walk him about until the trysting hour should arrive,
so that he might be here on time; knew he never would be—he
said—if he went home.”
“Even his extreme precaution doesn't seem to have succeeded;
he isn't here yet.”
“No, and when he does come he'll be sure to say “awfully
sorry I'm late.’” -
“He might be spoken of appropriately as the ‘late Fr—z,
might'nt he 7' "
“Miserable marine ! if that wretched habit continues to grow
on you in the future as in the past, your friends will come to
believe in premature cremation, and make the first experiment
with you.”
“There comes Miss Beauty; eyes wide open yet, ma'amsellef
You remember when I deposited you safely within your ancestral
portals at the witching hour of three this morning, you remarked—
somewhat sleepily I fear—‘Are we home? why, when did we leave
the Penna. R. R. building P’”
77

THE MILITARY REVIEW.
“Oh what a slander | I talked beautifully and brilliantly—
considering my audience—or auditor.”
And so one after another of the fair heroines, with their chosen
escorts, arrived, reported and were stationed.
“They talked—of politics or prayers—
“Of Lowell's prose, or Holmes' last sonnet,-
“Of lovers—or of dancing bears,
“Of battles—or the last new bonnet,”
until disturbed by the breathless rumor that the venerable Major-
General Commanding had attempted in the presence of General
Sherman, Prince Oscar of Sweden and a swarm of notabilities, to
execute the somewhat difficult manoeuvre of bouncing from his
horse's back on the stones and back into the saddle without stop-
ping—a manoeuvre needing much practice and elasticity, and not
in this case, alas, successful; nevertheless he clomb back and
once again the column marched on. Now over the clatter
and laugh and repartee is heard the sound of distant martial
music—then nearear and nearer, when “Here they come " is
shouted, and the head of the column sweeps around from Chest-
nut into Fourth, stretching from curb to curb. And so—
Her Natal Day was come again—a hundred years gone by—
Since first her starry Flag was raised beneath a sunlit sky;
Bright omen for the future—of the days that were to be
Were heavenly crimson; heavenly blue, and the white of purity.
The poet of the future shall sing in words that burn—
Whate'er had come, howe'er it hap'd ; howe'er the world had turned,
That never in her hour of need, beneath that starry Flag,
Had a single foot gone backward, or a son been known to lag.
78


- -


THE MILITARY REVIEW.
Thus hath it been ; thus may it be, till Time shall be no more;
Till all be gone to join the host upon that farthest shore,
Where flags shall be no longer, nor nations known to be
Beneath the crimson, blue and white—sky of eternity.
When nations from the North and South, and from the farthest West,
Shall mingle with extremest East, each loving all the rest,
And thinking of no rivalry, save loving each the best.
Above that Host Eternal, as now, so then shall be
The heavenly crimson, heavenly blue, and white of purity.
So ran the thoughts of many on our Country's Natal Day,
As heart and brain together sang a joyous rondelay;
As many a cannon sounded, and many a banner flew ;
As many a musket glittered, and many a bugle blew;
And the steady tramp of thousands to do her honor there
Beneath the approving glances of the fairest of the fair.
On that day of days, reveillé had sounded in the early morn;
Regiments, Brigades, and Divisions had formed beneath the rays of
that anniversary Sun—representative detachments from the four
quarters of the Great Republic—those who had gone from home
and kindred to uphold the honor of “Old Glory” side by side
with those who had so gallantly fought beneath the “Stars and
Bars"—all now ready and glad to do honor to the unity of the
Land they loved. So also to celebrate that anniversary had gathered
this galaxy of our fairest—gathered to review that column and to
cheer the re-united brotherhood it symbolized as the new century
began, until each sweet voice had taken on a husky to e and
each fair face was crimsoned with its own enthusiasm.
“A bevy of the fairest that e'er the sun shone on,”
sang a poet of another land of his own fair country-women; but
79

THE MILITARY REVIEW.
none so ungallant in the ranks which passed in review before
that gentle assemblage as not to gladly throw down his gauntlet
to the elder world to produce a fairer or a sweeter.
Drums beat, bugles blew, banners waved :
“Companies, Right-wheel—March ''
and ten thousand trained feet wheeled into column beneath that
sun, brighter than the far-famed sun of Austerlitz:
“Right-shoulder—arms ”
and ten thousand gleaming muskets reflected its glancing rays.
So on went the column—the Centennial March had begun;
thousands of voices cheering in wild enthusiasm ; thousands of
banners gayly floating in honor of a country's Natal Day: rich
and poor, strong and weak, young and old, all feeling it “good to
be here,” and all devoutly praying that when
“The hundred years were come again"
the free and independent people of these United States might
have even more reason than they to thank Him who ruleth all
that they were born beneath “Old Glory.”
So onward they marched, both the blue and the gray,
With the flag floating over them all;
And so may they march till that last, final day
When they march to the Archangel's call.
80

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
“Of all Sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these—It might have been."
;I-



THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
2|OST Americans like “Fun.” Just exactly what Fun
is and wherein lies the cause of its great popularity
they would doubtless find it difficult to explain ; but
the fact remains essentially true that of all things in
the wide world that appeal most strongly to the average American
mind in general and to that nondescript article called by courtesy
the “mind " of the average young American in particular, Fun
is the ruling passion—excepting, of course, their inherent
tendency towards that variety of aquiline gymnastics known
as “spread eagleism.” Whether in the shape of anecdote, jest,
or repartee; or the more personal practical joke, chaffing or
sarcasm, the true American worships Fun as he worships nothing
else, save, perhaps, his own “free and independent” self. In
its pursuit he will exercise an amount of pains-taking ingenuity
and self-sacrificing labor which, had it been possessed by the
poor old Syracusan savan, would have enabled Archimedes to
accomplish his much talked-of feat of “moving the world" and
so both have rid us of a wearisomely familiar moral tale and
calmed the somewhat too demonstrative ardor of our people
for Fun.


THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
Probably no word in the dictionary has a more elastic meaning
or receives such a widely extended and varied application. It
is equally “fun '' to see a wedding or a horse-race; to have a
dance or a fight; to sing or be sea-sick. We go alike to a
Moody and Sankey prayer-meeting or to an execution “for the
* >
fun of the thing; ” and there are cases recorded of some
individuals who had the most absorbing desire to be present at
every funeral within their reach “for the sake of the fun,” and
others who would have risked their souls' salvation rather than
“lose the fun" of seeing a murder. There are instances of
unhappy men who have gone to the wars, and others still
unhappier who have been married, who, when interrogated as to
the cause of their rash action, have had no other answer than
that they “did it just for fun.” Indeed, it is our positive convic-
tion that if we could only establish communication with the farther
side of that impassable “bourne" of which we hear so much and
know so little, we would learn that no small number of suicides
are attributable to a venturesome but ill-advised Žemchant for Fun.
Ask a girl why she did any apparently causeless thing and she
will say “Because: ” ask a boy and, if he happens to be suffi-
ciently civilized not to blurt out “'Cause I wanted ter,” the
chances are he will say “For fun.”
This characteristic of always finding something funny in every
action in life, however grave, is eminently American. One of
the saddest spectacles under the blue canopy is to see a reserved,
dignified, and yet complaisant Englishman striving with the

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
whole might of his sturdy Saxon intellect to comprehend an
American joke; and as for the Latin races, just gaze on that
marvellous French translation in the ſevue des /Jelør Mondes of
Mark Twain's “Jumping Frog” and—weep. Careful study of
this national trait inclines us to believe that our fellow-countrymen
are endowed with some mysterious power of second sight which
enables them to discern Fun where one of Sam Weller's famous
y
“double million magnifyin' gas microscopes " would fail to
reveal it to a member of any other nationality on the globe; and
experiences and adventures which would fill the Gallic soul with
dismayed caution or fire the British heart to deeds of desperate
daring will, as he “has at them,” strike the ludicrous side of
an American's mind and provoke a roar of laughter utterly
unintelligible to the others.
We recollect one day riding some seventy-odd miles through
the wildest country in Heathendom, over hills as rough as those
of Time, across half-frozen rivers and boggy morasses and
sand-swept plains, through rugged defiles and bleak, desolate
ferres mauvaises. In the early morning, travelling by starlight,
the bitter wind whistled thro' the passes and drove the mercury
down to 18°; at noon, on the Sun-baked plains, it swept the hot,
nitrous dust in whirlwinds about our caravan, burning the lungs
when inhaled like the Sirocco; towards night, as the sun sank
and we entered the mountains again, the chill blasts from off the
snow-peaks froze the very marrow in our bones and, to add to
our jollity, away off in the east we could see a dark Snow-storm

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
whirling down from the mountains across the level pampa. No
friendly shepherds' fascana was to be found on the wild plateau,
not even a rifled Aymará tomb in which to seek refuge; so,
dinnerless as we were, we struck along stoutly for the hut at the
foot of the range on the other side where we knew shelter, if not
supper, could be found. Trotting thro' a dreary gorge we com
menced the descent : the path was atrocious; where it was of
rock it was as slippery as a Philadelphia pavement on a January
morning, and where there was clay it was of the consistency of
starch. As the joker of the party said, in his desperation
remorselessly murdering the Poet-Laureate's English:
“We slipped, we slode,
We glanced, we glode,
Among those cusséd mountains,”
until, late in the evening, we reached the hut, cold, wet, ravenous
and utterly exhausted. After sixteen hours in the saddle we could
with difficulty leave it, but managing to dismount the Quartermaster
entered the hut. It had no door, of course, after the manner of
its kind, chimneys and windows were conspicuous only by their
absence,—the roof, of ic/ize thatch, was constructed on a plan
allowing with reckless liberality for ventilation, and through its
chinks and the open door-way the snow had drifted in heaps. A
taper revealed the fact that there was nothing combustible, save
the material of which the already attenuated roof was built; and
that therefore the elastic meal which was, as necessity compelled,
in turn either breakfast, tiffin, dinner, or all three combined, must
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be made on raw dried mutton and frozen bread, washed down
with cold water. Further investigation, however, disclosed that
the water was sulphuretted by flowing through the volcanic country
above, and was consequently undrinkable. A council was held
in the hut. The next fambo was five leagues further on, and the
trail, steadily descending, was notoriously difficult even by day.
Outside the damp snow fell sullenly and soddenly. At intervals
the vivid lightning there accompanying such storms would glare
over the summits through the dark glen, transforming the ragged
outlines of the surrounding rocks until the landscape seemed a
corner of Inferno itself, and then leaving us in darkness tenfold
worse than before; while the thunder, dully rolling along the
cliff-sides, made the very earth beneath our feet tremble. Under
the exhilarating circumstances we decided to stay where we were ;
and, ordering our beasts unloaded, we spread our rugs, munched
the hard bread and tough meat, took a mouthful apiece of the
hoarded brandy and dropped asleep where we lay—too wearied
even to be economical, for we left the candle flaring in the draught
which blew through the open side of the hut, ironically termed
the “door.” Something cold and wet on the face awoke us.
Two of the party still slept heavily, but suddenly one rose with a
diabolical shriek, waking the other. The candle burned low,
and outside we heard the trampling of the mules and their uneasy
Snuffing. To grasp our arms and leap to foot was instinctive with
us refugees from civil war, but the flame of a second candle
showed that the light in the hut had attracted a small herd of

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
convivial city-clays, or wild guinea pigs, who were careering
friskily around after provender. Four hands grasping each a
heavy riding boot rose in air, and simultaneously dropped
powerless as the owners rolled over in immoderate laughter.
“What fun! Sacred Susan, what fun!” yelled the joker, and the
others responded with renewed peals. Oblivious of cold, hunger,
danger and weariness; wholly forgetful of their miserable plight,
those four benighted Yankees laughed. And to our dying day we
will never forget the look of grave, astonished, respectful rebuke
on the faces of our muleteers as they peered through the door-way.
Awakened by the noise they had left their improvised shelter of lug-
gage and tarpaulins and stood, perfectly amazed, gazing at “those
extraordinary gringos.” Had the crazy roof fallen in and buried us
under its accumulated load of snow it could not more effectually
have acted as a damper than did the lugubrious countenances of
those debased descendants of the Incas. To them, poor fellows, it
was anything but an amusing matter to be thus situated ; and for
the entire day following we heard them muttering together over the
unintelligible character of the “Señores Norte Americanos,” which
enabled them to find a joke in the extremity of their own discomfort.
These reminiscences and reflections ran thro' the head of the
Chief Inquisitor as he paced up and down the aisle of the car in
which his victims were confined on the night of the Fourth. On
leaving them in the afternoon they had graciously and innocently
accepted his invitation to join in a car-party in the evening to run
out on the Pennsylvania Railroad to a point above Fairmount Dam
88 -
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and view the fireworks from there. Prompt to the minute, they
had gathered at the West Philadelphia depot, despite the threaten-
ing skies, and taken the train. No sooner had it started than the
rains descended and the floods beat as they had not since the
Deluge; yet on into the black night rushed the iron horse, unde-
terred by the warring elements, at the reckless rate of six miles
an hour till, with a piercing shriek, it halted on the river bank
opposite the boat-houses. The whole neighborhood was plunged
in impenetrable darkness and the atmosphere was oppressively
sultry The rain was so wet that the windows had to be closed,
and this inspired the enterprising thermometer in the car to spurt
from 80° to 90° and caused a wild desire on the part of half the
party to “see how it looked ” from the back platform. Observa-
tion showed that it looked dark most of the time—except when it
lightened and then it looked decidedly damp. On the river
could be discerned between the flashes a dozen enterprising boat-
loads of water-proof patriots preserving the eternal equilibrium of
Nature by having as much water in the boats as there was
beneath them. On the new bridge, the banks, and the tops of the
cars in the vicinity were gathered thousands of people, very
wet, very hot, and yet seeming perfectly happy, patiently waiting
to see “the grandest pyric exposition of the age.” Of course
they were invisible except when the lightning flashed, but they
then stood out in serried ranks like the phantoms of departed
firemen's parades.
Within the car a couple of sepulchral lamps diffused an appro-
89

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
y
priately funereal gloom thro' the compartment. The less
energetic or more satisfied individuals sat in couples on either
side, forgetful of all else save the one fact that miserable as they
were the people outside were more so. Nothing in the way of
fireworks was seen for a quarter of an hour, during which time
the merciless Fiend in charge gleefully contemplated his swelter-
ing victims and conscientiously strove to discover where the “fun
of the thing” lay. Conversation had ceased long since, save
that now and then some determined youth would address a
remark to his fair partner only to receive a monsyllabic reply in
a tone of suppressed suffering. At intervals a train rumbled by,
and occasionally the melodious hum of some predatory musquito
was heard as he heavily flapped his pinions and laboriously
departed gorged with gentle gore from the damask cheek of some
semi-somnolent damsel, or abandoned in despair his attempt to
penetrate the corrugated brow of some talked-out man whose
forehead was furrowed in the vain effort to evolve a new idea
from his seething brain Just as this order of things was verging
upon the monotonous that long-drawn admiring shout of “ah-h-h!"
so inspiriting to the ear of the practiced fireworks conoisseur, was
heard outside, and a single rocket was seen bravely struggling
thro' the Egyptian darkness upward and onward. Right valiantly
it started out and pluckily it soared up ; suddenly, however,
either overcome by a sense of loneliness or disheartened at the
lowering aspect of affairs ahead, it wavered and would have
dropped but for the re-assuring shouts of the crowd, which
90
THE FIREWORKS FIASCO,
inspired its fainting spirit to persevere towards the zenith until it
went out with as much energy and completeness as tho' the
night had been balmy and clear,
“Gone to meet a watery fate,”
said one of the party as the weak little blaze disappeared, and he
was answered in a sympathetic groan from the other end of the
Car,
“Sacrificed to make a Roman (candle) holiday !”
Somewhat encouraged by this beginning we waited on until
we thought it was about time for some more. “One swallow
y
does not make a summer,” said some half-wakened man ; “nor
do I see why we should, without argument, admit that one forlorn
rocket constitutes an entire pyrotechnic display.” There being
some suspicion in the morbidly excited minds of the party that
this was intended as a challenge to engage in conversation, no
notice was taken of the speaker and he relapsed into sleepy
silence. There was, indeed, every indication that the last state
of the expedition would be a vast deal worse than the first unless
something shortly happened, and one facetious individual had
already suggested to the despairing railroad man that the best
thing to be done was to telegraph for a sleeping-car and some
supper, when a brilliant glare lighted up the whole neighborhood
and a triumphant shout of welcome rose from twenty thousand
half-sore throats as a perfect Vesuvius of rockets, bombs, serpents,
parachutes, gondolas and every extraordinary combination of

91

THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
gun-powder and salts known to Professor Jackson's fiery and
erratic mind blazed, gyrated, burst, sailed and went out. Lemon
Hill seemed literally aflame and the river appeared, to use the
language of a romantic spectatrix, “like a liquid rainbow.”
Then, without a word of warning, blackness such as Erebus itself
could not rival settled down upon the vicinity. The brilliant
spectacle had the happy effect, however, of opening eighty eyes
of assorted Colors and loosening forty tongues of varying con-
versational powers; so once more comparative happiness reigned
—as did the clouds again also, Žar Zaremſ/lese. “Splendid,”
4 ( y
“lovely,” “gorgeous,” “sweet,” “exquisite,” and every other
commendatory adjective in the language was bandied about the
car. “The woods were full of them,” said one, referring to
the bengal-lights. “Yes,” said another; “the colored troops
y
fought nobly ; " and so. for the nonce, all went as merry as
a dinner bell. Before the party had time to grow sleepy a
salvo of yells and cheers was heard from the crowd and again
a bright light illuminated the car. A wild rush was made for
the windows, but alas ! for the vanity of human hopes, Penn-
Sylvania Railroad freight cars 1918 and Io.212, loaded with
Cincinnati pork, had been so ingeniously placed alongside the
passenger coach as dexterously to intercept all view of the Mall
on the other side where the “set-pieces" were. Only the
occupants of two windows, commanding the space between the
two freight cars, had a glimpse of the chef d’azuvre which was
slowly Sputtering out its fragmentary existence. The delighted
92





THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
exclamations of the fortunate quartette naturally imbued their
less lucky companions with a frantic desire to “shee the wh-wheels
go 'round " too, and a general stampede took place for the
platforms, where an excellent view was had of about a yard of
expiring fuse which lasted barely long enough to enable the
exasperated citizens to see that the blackened frame to which it
was attached had once stood forth in lineauments of living flame
as a Temple of Liberty, duly supplied with its proper quota of
stars, eagles, Pater Patriaes, E Pluribus Unums, and other like
novel devices. By that mysterious, sympathetic communication
always existing among crowds, word reached our party that this
was the end of the fireworks; so, somewhat disappointedly it is
true, all took their places and the train was slowly run back to
the depot, where, after a cordial exchange of well wishes and
congratulations over the fact that we had at least seen all that
there was to see of the disastrous pyrotechnic failure, the party
separated. And here lies the curious part: that as each dainty
hand was kindly extended to the “source of those unnumbered
woes” its fair owner was graciously pleased to say that she had
* *
“had a very jolly evening.” They called that mixture of moist
locomotive-cinders and damp gun-cotton, Fun -
MoRAL: Always look on the bright side of things; think of what
your wet fireworks might have been, not of what they are.
“Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur in illis;" yet we cannot
. .
but believe that, whatever may be our “mutations,” some of us
a dozen years hence may recall with some slight feelings of
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THE FIREWORKS FIASCO.
pleasure their enforced captivity of the Centennial Fourth. We
think we can safely answer for the sterner sex. You remember
what Lord Lytton says 2
“The land of his birth;
“The face of his first love; the bills that he owes;
“The twaddle of friends, and the venom of foes;
“The sermon he heard when to church he last went;
“The money he borrowed; the money he spent;-
“All of these things, I believe, a man may forget,”
y
and “a wearisome many ” others, we fear; but we doubt whether
any one of the twenty or thirty men who had the honor of
serving that Noble Army of Martyrs can become so callous to the
impressions made by what is gentle, and frank, and true and
pure as readily to forget the pleasure experienced in the day's
association with those loyal, lovely demoiselles, Sans Zeur eſ sans
re/roche, THE HEROINES OF '76.
'Filis.
94
“I have sung of war for knight,
Lay of love for lady bright,
Fairy tale to lull the heir,
Goblin grim the maids to scare:
Dark the night, and long till day,
Do not bid me farther stray !”
Yºs ZSZ HE long-expected Centennial Fourth had come and
gone, leaving only pleasant memories. No awkward
&2,&
pyrotechnics had rolled away as the evening advanced and left
mishap had marred the day's enjoyment; even the
leaden clouds which had so effectually ruined the
the sky clear and starlit, so that the first night of the new
century was bright and promising. All the sharers in the day's
expeditions, as they parted at the Depot, seemed pleased and
happy with the result of their exertions; only the graceless
cavalier upon whom the enviable office of Master of the Revels
had unworthily devolved had cause for care and regret. That
vagrant dweller within Philadelphia's hospitable tents, already
deeply laden with obligation, could not but feel still further
indebted for the honor done him in the presence of the gallant


95

L’E N V O I.
knights and gentle damsels during the day, and the generous
thanks and commendation with which they had rewarded his
insignificant efforts to find them amusement. How greatly he
and his associates are the debtors of the Heroines he cannot
properly express, save in saying that they are honored to hold
themselves the faithful, loyal servants of so fair a company for
all time.
Pondering upon the incidents of the preceding hours, as he
returned from the sad duty of bidding farewell to the last Martyr,
the clock slowly rang out twelve strokes. Heedless of the
thousands of miles intervening, memory ran back to a far-
away mountain city where night after night, thro' tempest and
pestilence and civil war, the clear voice of the watchman rang
out the hours as the night dragged by ; and thinking of the great
significance which, if rightly interpreted, the past day would have
to the people of this goodly city in general and that small heroic
band in particular, he involuntarily muttered the sereno's cry :
“Ave, Maria Parissima / / as doce /*aſu dado, Váza Za Paſria /''
which, being interpreted, is,
96

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APPENDIX.
FOURTH OF JULY.
COMPLETE OFFICIAL PROGRAMME OF THE JOINT CENTENNIAL
AND CIVIC COMMITTEE, AND GENERAL ORDERS FOR
THE TORCHLIGHT AND MILITARY PARADES.
In consequence of frequent inquiries in regard to the ceremonies of the Fourth of
July, the Joint Committee of Arrangements make the following official announcement
of the complete programme.
The ceremonies will begin with a grand Torchlight procession on the evening of
July 3, of Civic Societies, Industries, and Political Clubs, escorting the Governor of
Pennsylvania, the Mayor of Philadelphia, the Foreign Commissioners to the Exposition,
the Emperor of Brazil, Prince Oscar of Sweden, the Marquis de Rochambeau, Governors
Hayes, Tilden, Rice, Peck, Lippitt, Carroll, Cochran, and Bagley, and other distin-
guished guests, under command of General Charles H. T. Collis. The procession will
form on Broad street, south of Bainbridge street, and at half-past 8 o’clock will move
over the following route :
Up Broad (around the west side of the new City Hall) to Columbia avenue, counter-
marching south on Broad Street to Chestnut Street (passing around the east side of the
new City Hall), east on Chestnut to Fourth, south on Fourth to Pine, west on Pine to
Broad, and then dismiss.
This column will pass Independence Hall at midnight, when the new bell (presented
by Henry Seybert, Esq.) will announce the advent of the second century of American
nationality.
A grand chorus, numbering 500 voices, under the direction of Prof. Wm. Wolsieffer,
assisted by Beck’s Band, will perform the national airs.
On the morning of the Fourth of July the bells and chimes throughout the city will be
rung at sunrise, and at the same time a national salute will be fired from Fairmount
Park.
The military will be formed on Broad street by Major-General Bankson, under com-
mand of his Excellency, Governor Hartranft. Following is the General Order:
The line will be formed at 7.15, and the command be turned over to Governor Hartranft
at 7.45 A. M. -
The following route has been decided upon : From Broad street down Chestnut to
Fourth, passing in review at Independence Hall, down Fourth to Pine street, up Pine to
Broad. Arriving on Broad street, the commanding officer of the leading brigade will
form in line, right resting on Chestnut street, facing west. The commanding officer of
next brigade will form column of fours, and moving north on the west side of the
roadway, halt at Chestnut, and form in line, facing east. Both commands will dress as
close to the curb as possible, leaving room for the column of visiting troops to pass from
Pine street, up Broad to Chestnut, where they will dismiss without further ceremony.
The division will carry arms during the passage of the column, the brigades relieving
each other in paying the honor, so as not to unreasonably fatigue the men.
On reaching Thirteenth and Pine streets the artillery will leave the column by way of
Thirteenth street, and form, battery front, across Broad street, below Pine. * 3: ::
By command of Major General J. P. Bankson.
CHARLEs C. KNIGHT,
Lt. Col. and A. A. G.
99

The reviewing stand will be in front of Independence Square, and will be occupied
by the Vice-President of the United States, the Governors of States, and others.
At 1o A. M. the following programme will be observed :-
1776.—UNITED STATES CENTENNIAL COMMISSION.—1876.
INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION,
1876.
PHILADELPHIA.
THE NATIONAL COMMEMORATION, JULY 4, 1876.
The ceremonies to be observed, under the direction of United States Centennial
Commission, in commemoration of the one hundredth anniversary of the Declaration
of Independence of the United States, will take place in Independence Square, Phila-
delphia, July 4, beginning at 1o A. M., or soon thereafter, upon the conclusion of the
military review.
The following order will be observed :
1. Grand Overture, “The Great Republic,” founded on the National Air, “ Hall
Columbia,’’ and arranged for the occasion by the composer, George F. Bristow, of New
York. Orchestra—P. S. Gilmore, Director.
2. The President of the Commission will call the assembly to order, and announce
the President of the United States, or in his absence, the Vice-President, as the pre-
siding officer of the day.
3. Prayer, by the Rt. Rev. Wm. B. Stevens, D. D., Bishop of Pennsylvania.
4. Hymn, “Welcome to all Nations.” Words by Oliver Wendell Holmes, of Massa-
chusetts. Music, “Keller's Hymn,” Orchestra and Chorus.
5. Reading of the Declaration of Independence, by Richard Henry Lee, of Virginia.
The original manuscript will be brought forward for the purpose by his Honor, the
Mayor of Philadelphia, to whose care it has been entrusted by the President of the
United States.
6. “Greeting from Brazil,” a Hymn for the First Centennial of American Indepen-
dence, composed by A. Carlos Gomez, of Brazil, at the request of his Majesty, Dom
Pedro II., Emperor of Brazil. Orchestra.
7. Poem, “The National Ode,” by Bayard Taylor, of Pennsylvania. Introduced by
the President of the Centennial Board of Finance.
8. Grand Triumphal March, with Chorus, “Our National Banner '' Words by
Dexter Smith, of Massachusetts; Music by Sir Julius Benedict, of England.
9. Oration by William M. Evarts, of New York. -
Io. Hallelujah Chorus, from Handel’s “Messiah.” Orchestra and Chorus.
II. Doxology. “The Old Hundredth Psalm,” in which all present will be requested
to join.
By order of the Commission.
JOSEPH R. HAWLEY, President.
JOHN L. CAMPBELL, Secretary.
On these services closing, seventy-six peals will be rung from the new bell.
From 1 to 7 P. M., during the entire afternoon, Beck’s Band will perform in
Independence Square.
At 8 P. M. the grand display of fireworks, under the direction of Professor Jackson,
will take place in the East Fairmount Park.
100