Does more
and better
work than
any other
ESTIMATES
FURNISHED
FOR
POWER
PLANTS
ON
APPLICATION
. Co.
º
* & WILSON. M. FC
.d 74 Wabash Avenue . . . .
>HHCAGO, IL.L.








ºn.…: got to take our chann
hain't forgot yer childhood prayers, ye
as well be a runnin' of 'em over, for
is are begiſinin' to look mi’ty skeerſ jest
I can tell ye.”
ooty soon I heer'd him a mumblin' to him-
nd I allers allowed he was prayin'. -
e war now about steeple high, and as I
qected, the wind caught us and began
us around pooty loose. As we wer
in’ over St. Patrick's church, Spence'
struck the spire and was a spillin' of
like a lobster out of a market basket.
1 over and seed he was e'enmost gone,
llered, “Go for the spire, Spence, it's
ly chance.’ He seemed to be of tha
d, for as I spoke he was a gra
*W. . . ~ .






















wº-
The was a makin
it-rººm
!e a gymnast, a kickin' and a wormin"
Steeple a rockin'. But he was too awful tº
he eeuldn't draw himself u p sohow. P
soon the tail of the fish gin out, and dow
slid along the steeple like a shot coon do
'simmon tree.
“Fortunately he struck the roof and C
be rolled, clawin' and a scratchin' the sh
he went. But it was 'all go and no -
s the boy said when he was a slid:
reased banister. Old Father McGill,
just comin' out of the vestry door after
as Spence come a scootin' over the ea
down kerflumix right on top of him.
see, sort of broke the fall for Spenc
... the distress. He was so he


























fussin' over him more than five hours, a yankin' .
his neck out of his body, and pressin' his ears
i into shape, and’— . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
“Stop now,” said the fat old chap, who was
worked up to the top notch of attention, “do
you mean-to-say—he lived after his neck was
dislocated?”, , , º, . . . . . . . . .
" ' , , “Wal, I reckon, boss,” said the narrator, as
he took a fresh quid of tobacco, “I hain't made
no sech unreasonable assertion. I was sayin'
they hauled his neck back, and put his ears in
*... . place agin (or ruther one of 'em, for the
butcher's dog eat t'other one before the old
sexton could git to it), so that he mout make
coffin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .''
“Soon as Spence went over the eave I lost
Right of him, for I was drivin' pooty brisk!
ºs-arch, and as I came swa
b'Donnell's shad
somethin' like a decent appearance in the





















•. - alloCn She
gin a squall and cried out somethin' about pro-
tection. I reckoned she was callin' on the
saints, but had no time just then to listen.
| Before she had gone many steps she dropped,
and I allowed she had gone down in a faintin'
fit. -
“I was a drivin' and a driftin' over the village
-
tlve a thistle down, for more than two hours,
land the dogs war a barkin' and the men and
wimmin a hollerin' and a runnin' arter it wher-
ever it drifted. The barn-yard fowls war a
cacklin’ and a screamin’. Jewillikens ! didn't I
make a rumption among them though! You'd
think thar war forty thousand hawks and tur-
key-buzzards a hoverin' over the village, by the
way they scattered, aginst the winders, ahind
stun walls, into the wells, under lumber piles
currint bushes; such a scrougin' an
in’ and scootin' I never di -












small pigs out of his well next day, whar they
sought refuge and war drown'd. Dad Kent gin
me six traces of good seed corn next fall. He
said barrin' the killin' of Priest McGillop, it was
the best thing that ever happened in Tuckers-
ville. He said I did more for his crop than if
he had a scarecrow standin' astride every hill.
* Thar wasn't a crow flew within two miles of the
village for mor'n a fortnight, and by that time
the corn was grown so they couldn't pull it up.
“Pooty soon the balloon come down about
house high and druv over toward the dee-pot.
I was a hopin' she'd catch on the telegraph
wire, but she skimm'd over, like a swallow over
a fence, and immediately riz up tree high agin,
where scrape, slap, slash, she went into an ole
pine that stood out alone in the field. I was
scratched pooty bad, but hung on to the limbs,
and arter a while slid down the tree leavin' the
.*** incin' in the tree-top. Great turnips!
- Tinea fowsm--








- i -
and wimmin with babies in their arms.
- It was -
like a dog fight, only, as the feller said when
describin' the nigger by the mulatter, it was
In Ore SO.
“The train was delayed half an hour that
mornin', cause the engineer, conductor and all
hands jumped off the cars and ran down to the
balloon. Peg-leg Dibbly, the Mexican war
veteran, was thar, hobblin’ around among the -
rest. He was in such a hurry to git down to
the tree he wouldn't go around by the road, ... -
but started in to take a short cut across the
marsh with the crowd, And he had a sweet,
sweatin' time of it too, now I can assure you.
First his cane would stick, and just about the
time he would git that out, down would slide
his iron-shod leg fully a foot into the mud, and
stake him thar like a scarecrow. Then he
would look down to where the people were
standin', and jerk and swear until th -






27
ThūKé him let up. He got
âtter awhile though, but he had to
crawl considerable before he could do it; and
wº. tilaº
“Go IN, cripple,”
arter he got thar he was bobbin' here and bob.
bin' thar, tryin' to git a better look up into the
tree, until at last he stumbled and fell across one






28
of Dud Davis' young"Unsºn
a compound fractur'. She set up a
and he was so weak and frightened he couldn't
git up agin no how, but lay thar gruntin', and
A RIGHT-A.NGLED TRY-ANKLE.
sprawlin', and kickin' his one leg around. The
blacksmith was thar himself, and when he seed
his young’un down in the mud with her leg
broke, you never seed a man so mad in all



JUST A MOUTHFUL. 29
your born days. He jest ran and grabbed the
old pensioner by the coat collar, and slung him
mor'n fifteen feet, landin’ him slidin' on his
back in the mud, like a crawfish.
“About the same time Tubbs, the cooper,
was a lookin' up, and he seed a bough springin'
up, and he allowed the balloon was comin’ down;
so he started to run, and stepped on the foot of
Kent's snappin' bull-dog, that was a settin' thar
lookin' up the tree, thinkin' thar must be a coon
up it. The cur whirled round mad, and set his
teeth into the nighest thing to him, which hap-
pened to be old Polly Allen's ankle. But he
got more than he bargained for, though, for she
was so tuff that his teeth stuck thar, and she
was a screamin' and a runnin’ hum, draggin'
him arter her mor'n half the way. I never did
see sich an excitin' time. School was dismissed,
and there wasn't a lick of work done in Tuck-
ersville the hul day. The hul talk was ‘Sam
Patterson's balloon, Sam Patterson's balloon.’
I didn't have to pay a picayune for anything for
mor'n three weeks. Parson Jones preached a
-**
3O A SERMON ON BALLOONS.
tellin' sermon about the balloon, and thar wasn’t
standin’ room in the church; they had to keep
the windows open and let people standin’ on
the outside stick their heads in and listen. He
likened it first to youth, when it was a rollin'
around in the back yard, whar nobody seed it,
impatient and ambitious to rise. Then like unto
manhood, when it was up, a bustin' and droppin’
down agin. Next he said it resembled old age,
when it was in rags a floppin’ around in the tree,
more for observation than use. Thar wasn't
hardly a dry eye in the hul meetin' house. Hard-
hearted old sinners cried like teethin' babies.
“The balloon hung in the tree all summer,
and every day thar'd be a crowd of people
starin' at it, like cats at a bird cage. A phoo-
tographer came the hul way from town, and
took lots of views of the remains; and one of
Frank Leslie's special artists come rattlin' down
thar, and sot on a stun wall for two days drawin’
sketches of it. He said it was the most spirited
subject he had sot eyes on since he sketched
the hoop-skirt Jeff Davis was captured in.
JIM DUDLEY'S FLIGHT.
Hull.
&
wºmammº
HAT blabbing Hoosier, Bob Browser, has
found me out, and paid me a call, boring
me with his confounded stories. Even as a
( ,
hungry parrot when crackers are in view, or
as a miller's hopper when water is high and the
farmer's meal bags low, he rattles right along
with copious discourse.
“What's that you say! Did you know Jim
Dudley? What! him as the boys in Gosport
used to call Carrot Top Jim P Wal, I'll be rat-
tied if that ain't queer. Wasn't he the all-
firedest shirk you ever did see? Perhaps you
remember how sudden he left Gosport jest be-
fore the war? Oh, that's so, sure enough, you
went north sometime afore that,
fºr * * (31)
32 JIM DUDLEY'S FLIGHT.
“Wal, that chap was etarnally gettin' in some
scrape or another; I do jest think I've helped
wº §§ º
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BOB BROWSER.
that Jim out of more close corners than there
are buildin's in this yer town Yer see him and












THE BUTCHER’s DAUGHTER. 33
me was great chums, and roomed at the same
house on York Street. Jim was a courtin' a
butcher's darter that lived out near the cem't'ry
for 'bout a year afore he left, leastwise he was
a totin' of her around considerable, takin' her
to picnics, circuses, hoss races, and the like. I
kind of had my doubts about him gettin' mar-
ried, 'cause he was a pooty sot ole batch', and
sometimes I’d ask him when the nuptils were
a comin' off; but he'd allers shuffle out of it by
sayin' when they did come I’d git an invite, and
kind of larf it off jest that way.
“One night pooty soon arter I had got into bed
- I heered some one thumpin' at my door, and afore
I had time to say anythin' Jim Dudley was plum
across the room and standin' by the bedside.
“‘Bob,' ses he, jest that way, “we’ve got to
part agin' and I've come to gin your paw a
shake afore I leave.”
“‘What's up now, Jim P’ ses I, pooty sur-
prised and settin' up amazin fast in bed to strike
a light, 'cause I allers liked Jim. Drat my pic-
tur, if I didn't. He stuck to me like a hoss-
3 **.*
34 IN HASTE TO Go.
leech when I was down with the yaller fever. I
was peeled down so mi’ty thin that I didn't make
a shadder only arter I'd been eatin' corn dodg-
ers or somethin' that wasn’t transparent. Soon
as I got a light I seed his face was tombstun
white exceptin’some long red scratches onto it,
that made me think thar had been cats a-clawin’
of him.
“‘I haint time to gin perticulars now, but
water's gettin' too plaguey shaller for me in
Gosport,' ses he, jest that way. “And I’m gwine
—to pull out for deeper soundin's. I want to head
off the night express, and as I’ve got only
fifteen minutes to do it in, must be a movin’,”
and givin' my hand a rattlin' shake he turned,
and before I could say ‘scat,' he was goin' down
the stairs like a bucket-fallin' down a well, and I
thought he hadn't more than got to the middle of
the flight when I heer'd the door slam behind
him. -
“I lay awake thar for hours thinkin' and won-
derin’ what on airth could have turned up to
make Jim dust out of town so all-fired sudden,
* * * * *
A RECONNOITRE. 35
bein’ as how he was doin' pooty well pecu-
n’ar’ly—that is, for him.
“I kind of mistrusted somethin’ had gone
wrong with him out to old Hurley's—the butch-
er's. So the next day, bein’ kind of curious, I
took a stroll out that way, to look around a
leetle and see what was goin' on. I seed a
glaz'er a fussin’ round a winder, and old Hurley
sittin' on the steps lookin' mi’ty solemn at a hat
—which I knowed was Jim's—that was a-hangin'
on a bush in the garden.
“Some months arter this the war was a bilin'
and I jined a company and went down to Cairo
to go into camp. By jingo! would you believe
it? almost the first man I ran ag'in' was Jim
Dudley ! He'd enlisted in a hoss regiment up
to St. Louis, and come down to camp a few
days afore me. We were both mi’ty tickled to
meet one another right thar, so we p’inted for a
place where we could have a straight-out chat,
and while we were sittin' thar, talkin’ about old
times, ses I to him:-
“‘Jim, now we're a gwine down into this
36 JIM DUDLEY’s STORY.
blamed muss, and the chances are pooty good
for us to git chawed up down thar, and nothin'
more to be heer'd about us—now sposin' you
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old HURLEY WELCOMES JIM.
tell a feller what made you pull up stakes and
dust from Gosport so amazin' fast, last Fall.'
“‘Wal, Bob,' ses he, ‘seein’ we’ve met agin,
I don't mind if I do 'lighten you a leetle in re-
gard to my leavin' so sudden. You remember
$























































AN UNExPECTED MEETING. 37
I'd bin over to Franklin some time afore I left,
and jest got back to Gosport that day, and in
the evenin' I started out to see Mag. I was a
hopin' the old man wouldn't be to hum—he gin-
erally was away Saturday nights.
“‘’Twas dark afore I got there, leastwise the
bats were a flitterin' aroun’ the gables and
apple trees, a-lookin' for thar suppers. I gin the
bell-knob a jerk anyhow, and pooty soon old
Hurley hisself came to the door, with a candle
in his hand. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and
I reckon he had jest come hum from work. He
kind of gin a start, as though he was surprised
to see me; and I gin a start, too, and jumped
back from the door pooty quick, for I thought I
heer'd him grit his teeth a leetle—somethin' like
a >sheep arter she's bin eatin' beans—but I
wasn't Sartain.
“‘Come in, M-i-s-t-e-r Dudley,’ ses he, kind
of low and coaxin' like. “I hope you've bin
enjoyin' good health. I hope you've come pre-
pared to stop with us awhile.’
“Thankin’ him for his kind wishes, I follered
38 - THE BUTCHER WELCOMES HIM.
him along, wonderin’ what in time made him so
amazin' solicitous for my health all to wunst,
'cause I knowed the old man hated me worse
than a rat does pizen.
“He didn't stop in the parlor, where some
folks were sittin', but kept on into a small room,
beck'nin' me to foller, which I did, though I was
beginnin’ to feel pooty suspicious about the old
feller's movements.
“‘Stay here a minute, Mr. Dudley, ses he,
arter I had sot down. ‘Make yourself com-
fortable until I come back agin,’ he continued,
jest that way, and then he stepped out.
“I tell you, I begun to feel wonderful fidgity
and kind of prickly down along the spine; and
when I heer'd the old man comin' back, and
heer'd his feet slappin’ down heavier and faster
than when he went out, then I knowed thar
was trouble ahead. I could feel a distressin'
presentiment jest a-bubblin' through my veins”.
and limberin' up all my jints.
-“Pooty soon the old man came in, a-holdin'
his left hand in front of him doubled up tight as
THE BUTCHER MEANs BUSINESS. 39.
though for boxin', and keepin’ his right hand
ahind him, kind of careless like, as though 'twas
there by accident. I knowed 'twas no nat'ral
position, and kept peerin’ round, for I 'spected
- he had a cow-hide, and was calculatin' to gin
me a sound tannin'; but when he went to shet
the door ahind him, I got a glimpse of the
alfredest great butcher's cleaver you ever yet
sot eyes on, a-shinin' jest as bright as could be.
Jerusalem if that bone-splitter didn't make
me begin to feel tarnation uneasy, then thar's
no use sayin' it. My heart flopped up so far
into my throat it actewelly seemed as though I
could taste it.
“‘I’ve got very pressin' business down town,
and guess I’d better be a-movin', ses I, rizin' up.
“‘S-i-t d-o-w-n,’ ses he, easy, that way, as
though he wasn't disturbed any, though I seed
he was awful pale. “Don’t be in a hurry,' he
went on, keepin’ his back flat against the door
the whole time. “You’ve been pokin' around
here 'bout long enuff,' said he, ‘and I think
it time you 'tended to bisness.’
4O A BREAK,
“‘I’ve sent for Father Quinn, he contin'ed,
‘cal’latin' to hev you jined to the family rite off,
afore you leave the house,’ and he gin the
cleaver a sweepin' flourish; but while he was
a-doin’ it he sort of took his eyes away from me,
and before he could say ‘scat,' I jest shet my
eyes tight, and made one detarmined lunge for
the winder, head fust, like a sheep through a
clump of briars, and went a-crashin' plum out
on all fours into the gardin, takin' the hul
lower sash along with me.
“The old man gin one rattlin' shout like a
wounded gorrillar, when he seed me go. I
knowed he'd be arter me mi’ty quick, so I broke
through the gardin for the toll-road, the blarsted
ole sash a-hangin' around my neck like a hog-
yoke, catchin' on everythin' as I ran. I hadn't
more'n struck the road and begun to dust along
it, when I heered the old man comin,’ a-snortin'
an' a spatterin,’ down the turnpike ahind me.
I 'lowed he'd overhaul me if I kept right on,
'cause I hadn't got the sash off yet, and the
blamed thing was jest ginnin' my neck jess;
A CLOSE SHAVE. 4}
so flouncin' aside pooty sudden, I flopped
down ahind a sassafras bush, and I hadn't
more'n got thar nuther when old IIurley went
a-rackin' and a rearin’’ past, the bloodthirsty
ºr
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OLD HURLEY ON THE WAR PATH.
great meat-ax a-gleamin' in his hand. He
reckoned I was still ahead, so he went a-flukin’
down the road, clearin' the toll-bar at one
bounce, without so much as dustin' it, and

42 CIRCUMVENTED.
keepin’ right on for Gosport. Thunder I didn't
I tear off the ruins of that winder mi’ty fast,
though? Then I clim'- the fence, and took
across lots through Hiram Nye's corn patch,
and down by Blake's orchard, comin' into town
by the lower road. I think more'n likely old
Hurley kept a-goin’ it plum to Gosport before
he mistrusted that I dodged him; and I do jest
think if he had got hold on me—a-bilin' as he
was—he wouldn't have left a piece of me
together large enough to bait a mink trap.
Wasn't that an all-fired close dodge, though 2
I reckon you'll not see me in Gosport agin,
leastways not while old Hurley's a-livin'. I've
no notion o' gettin' married in no such haste as
that. Thar's the bugle callin' to muster—let's
hurry up and go.”
AN OLD WOMAN IN PERIL.
* ESTERDAY, while in the back country, I
* saw an old woman in what would have
been a very laughable predicament, had
it not been a very pitiable one.
An unusually large vulture had for some
time been soaring in the neighborhood, occa-
sionally scraping acquaintance with one of the
fat ewes grazing in the valley. Several of the
farmers had felt the vexation of seeing him
perched upon a lofty eminence and making the
wool fly from some favorite Cotswold. They
- were justly enraged, and resolved to put a stop
to his depredations.
They accordingly posted themselves nigh
their flocks, and with guns heavily charged,
(42)
44 PICKING UP A LIVING.
awaited the advent of the rapacious bird. But
he was no booby, and though his gizzard could
digest a good-sized rib or hoof with all the ease
of a Ballyshannon woman making away with a
mealy potato, yet he hadn't the least inclination
to test its grinding power upon a charge of
slugs or buckshot.
For several days thereafter he was known
in the neighborhood as a “high flier.” With a
pining maw he would sit upon some heaven-
kissing crag, and with drooping head watch the
fleecy flocks grazing in the green valley below.
He found it difficult, however, to cloy the hungry
edge of appetite by bare imagination of a feast,
and, emboldened by want, began to drop to a
lower level when flying across the fields.
Yesterday, as mutton was out of the ques-
tion, he resolved to try his beak upon some
tougher viand, and while in the vicinity of the
village, he swooped down upon a little old
woman who was gathering chips in front of
her cottage.
The poor old body had not the least warning
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46 - AN OLD LADY ELEVATED.
of the vulture's approach. As she stooped in
the act of picking fuel enough to cook her
evening meal he dropped upon her like an
3.1"I'OW.
Fastening his powerful talons in the strong
material of her loose-fitting garments, he spread
abroad his mighty wings and began to haul her
heavenward. The astonishment, anxiety and
indescribable antics of the poor old lady when
she found herself slowly but surely leaving
terra firma by an unknown agency were indeed
terrible to witness,
She knew not whether it was a gold-tinseled
angel, or an iron-rusted demon, that was thus,
in open day, and while she was yet in the flesh,
unceremoniously translating her to some re-,
mote planet; she had no means of discover-
ing; she was only certain she was going—
that her direction was onward and upward.
Her favorite hollyhock tickled her nose as she
swept over her little garden, and the clothes-
line, that for a moment seemed to baffle the
vulture's flight, was now stretching beneath.
MYSTERIOUS FLIGHT. 47
She deployed her feet, regardless of appear-
ances, first to the right, then to the left, above
and below, vainly endeavoring to come in con-
tact with something that would give her an ink-
ling of what was responsible for this mysterious
movement. There was a vague uncertainty .
about the whole proceeding well calculated to
alarm her. Even though she succeeded in
shaking herself loose, her fall would now be
fearful, and each moment was adding to the
danger. What could I do? I was powerless to
saye. I had no gun, and even if I had there
would have been some grave doubts in my
mind as to the propriety of firing, as I generally
shoot low, and such an error in my aim could
hardly have proved otherwise than disastrous.
There was no use striving to make the bird
loosen his hold by hooting. If there had been
any virtue in that sort of demonstration the old
woman would hardly have been raised above
the eaves of her shanty, for she was screaming
in a manner that would have made a Modoc
blush. The only thing that suggested itself,
48 OBSTINACY OF THE VULTURE.
and that rather hurriedly, was to get out my
pencil and paper and take a sketch as she ap-
peared passing over her cottage in the vulture's
talons.
The blood, which at first forsook her cheeks
through fear, was almost instantly forced back
into her visage again by the pendant position
of her head.
She beat the empty tin pan which she still
retained in her hand, but the voracious and
hunger-pinched vulture had no notion of relin-
quishing his hold on account of noise. On the
contrary, he seemed to enjoy it, and with many
a sturdy twitch and flap, and many an airy
wheel, he still held his way toward a rugged
promontory situated at the head of the valley.
Fortunately, when he was twenty feet from the
ground and about eighty rods from the cottage,
the calico dress and undergarments in which
mainly his talons were fastened gave out, and
the liberated woman dropped on hands and
knees in the muddy bed of the creek, over
which the bird was passing at the time.
A LUCKY ACCIDENT, 49*
While hovering over her, about to pounce
down upon her and try the elevating business
again, a sheep-herder who had seen the bird.
approaching the cottage, gave him a dose of :
buckshot.
§
IDUDLEY AND THE GREASED PIG.
OIL-STRICKEN Job had his comforters,
who, despite his timely injunction, “Oh,
lay your hands upon your mouths, and
thereby show your wisdom,” would still drum
in his ear, “Hear us, for we will speak.” Poor
old Falstaff had his evil genius in Bardolph, his
impecunious follower with his “Lend me a
shilling.” And I have my burdensome “Jim
- Dudley,” with his “Let me tell you a story.”
I was kept awake last night listening to his
crazy yarn about the “greased pig,” as if I
cared anything about his villainous adventures.
ł “Oh, yes, that scrape with the greased pig P
I never told you about it, eh? It's worth heerin',
for that was a tearin' old race, and I came mi’ty
(50)
JIM GETS INTERESTED. 51
nigh gettin' shoved out of the village on ac-
count of it, too, now, I can tell ye. Down on
me? Wal, I reckon you'd think so if you
heered the hollerin’ that was gwine on for
awhile arter that race, some cryin' one thin'
and some another. ‘Tar and feather the
cheat,' one would holler.
“‘Lynch the blamed humbug' another
would shout. --- *~.
“‘Put him in a sack and h’ist him over the
bridgeſ' would come from another quar-
ter. As -
“A doctor was never so down on a patent
medicine as they were on me arter that race,
especially Parson Coolridge, who was one of
the principal sufferers, yer see.
“It was May Day amongst 'em, and the hull
village seemed to be out thar enjoyin' 'emselves.
They had sack races and wheelbarrow races.
That was the day blindfold Tom Moody ran the
wheelbarrow through the grocer's window, and
Old Shulkin knocked him down with a ham,
and a dog ran away with it. He charged Tom.
52 A GREASED POLE AND A GREASED PIG.
with the ham in the bill, along with the brokers
winder. -
“They had a greased pole standin' thar with
a ten-dollar greenback tacked on top of it, but
no person could get within ten feet of the bill.
The hungry crowds were standin’ around all
day gazin' longin'ly up at the flutterin' green-
back, like dogs at a coon in a tree top.
“I didn't try the pole, but when they brought
out the greased pig–a great, slab-sided critter,
jest in good condition for racin',--I got sort o'
interested in the performance. His tail was
more'n a foot long, and it was greased until it
would slip through a fellow's fingers like a newly
daught eel. º
“Several of the boys started arter him, but
they'd jest make one catch, and before they
were certain whether they had hold of it, they
would go one way and the hog would go an-
other. And then the crowd would holler.
“I was standin’ thar a leanin' over the fence
watchin' of 'em for some time, and I see the
pig was in the habit of formin' a sort of ring
^
|
THINKS HE'LL TRY A. CATCH. 53.
with his tail; leastwise he'd lap it over so that
it e'enmost formed a knot—all it lacked was the
end wanted drawin' through. I cal’lated that a
feller with pooty nimble fingers could make a tie
by jest slippin' his fingers through the ring and
haulin' the end of the tail through. That would
make a plaguey good knot, and prevent his
hand from slippin' off. Arter thinkin' over
it for some time, I concluded if I could git up a
bet that would pay for the hardships that a feller
would be likely to experience, I would try a
catch anyhow.
“So I ses to Jake Swasey, who stood along-
side of me, “Jake, I believe that I can hold that
pig until he gins out.'
“‘Hold?” he says, surprised like and raisin”
his eyebrows just that way; ‘what's the matter
of ye? hain't ye slept well ? Ye mout as well
try to hold old Nick by the tail as that big.
slab-sided critter.’
“‘Wal, now, jest wait a bit,” ses I; so I went
on and told him what I callated to do, and arter
he looked awhile, he ses, ‘Wal, go ahead, Jim,
54 THE MONEY GOING UP.
I'll back ye. I reckon we can git any amount
of odds so long as we keep the knot bus'ness
to ourselves.”
“So pullin' off my coat I gin it to Jake to
hold, and jumpin' on the fence, I hollered, ‘I’ll
bet ten to twenty that I kin freeze to the pig's
tail till he gins out !”
“Great fish-hooks! you ought to have seen
'em a-rustlin' towards me. I couldn't see any-
thin' but hands for five minutes, as they were
holdin' of 'em up, and signalin', an’ a-hollerin',
“I’ll take that bet, Dudley, I'll take that bet!’
I got rid of what money I had about me pooty
soon, and Jake Swasey was jest a-spreadin’ out
his greenbacks like a paymaster, and arter he
- exhausted his treasury he started arter his
sister to git what money she had. I hollered
to him to come back—I was fearin he'd tell
her about the knot bus'ness; but he wasn't no
fool, and knowed too well what gals are to trust
her with any payin' secret. .
“Old Judge Perkins was thar, jolly as a boy
ºn the last day of school. Wal, he was holdin'
SHLIPPERY FOUNDATIONS. 55:
*ms.
of the stakes, and his pockets were crammed
chockfull of greenbacks. He was a pooty
good friend of mine, and couldn't conceive
R
§º
º \ §§
U \ º §N
§§ º º º º §
º } º
go DGE PERKINS.
how in thunder I was a-gwine to get my money
pack.
“Beckonin' of me one side—‘Dudley,’ ses
he, kind of low that way, and confidentially like,




56 THE MYSTIC TIE.
*I know you're as hard to catch as an old trout
with three broken hooks in its gill ; but I can’t
help thinkin' a greased pig's-tail is a mi’ty slip-
pery foundation to build hopes on.’
“‘Never mind, Judge,’ ses I, winkin', ‘I can
see my way through.” 'º'
“‘Yes, Dudley,’ he ses, a-shakin' of his head
dubious like, ‘that's what the fly ses when he's
a-buttin' his head against the winder.’
“‘Wal,’ ses I, ‘without the tail pulls out, I
cal’late to travel mi’ty close in the wake of that
swine for the next half-hour;' and with that I
moved off to where the pig was standin’ and
Tistenin’ to all that was gwine on.
“I fooled round him a little until I got be-
twixt him and the crowd, and when he flopped
his tail over as I was tellin' ye, I made one
desperate lunge, and made a go of it the ſust
time. I jest hauled the end through while he
was turnin’ round, and grabbin’ hold above my
hand, rolled it down into the tightest knot you
ever sot eyes on. It was about two inches
from the end of the tail, and he scolloped
THE HOG'S STRATAGEM. 57
around so amazin' lively nobody could see it.
The crowd allowed I was hangin' on the straight
tail, and they didn't know what to make of the
performance anyhow.
“Go it, piggy,' I ses to myself, just that
way, ‘I guess it's only a question of endurance
now, as the gal said when she had the flea
under the hot flatiron.’
“The gate was open, and arter a few circles
around the lot, the hog p'inted for it, and away
he went, pig fust and I arter. He ran helter-
skelter under old Mother Sheehan, the fruit
woman, jest as she was comin' through the
gateway with a big basket of apples on each
arm. I did hate like snakes to hoist the old
lady, bounce me if I didn't! I would ruther
have run around a mountain than do it, 'cause
you see she had jest been gittin' off a bed of
sickness that came nigh shroudin' her, and she
wasn't prepared for a panic, by any means. I
did my best to swing the critter around and git
him off the notion of goin’ through, but his
mind was made up. Thar was plenty of room
N
58 THE OLD WOMAN PANIC-STRICKEN.
outside for him to pass along without disturbin'
º gº -
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BAD FOR THE FRUIT BUSINESS,
~,
the old lady, but a hog is a hog, you know—
contrary the world over. Besides, he allowed




THE SUDDEN CATASTROPHE. 59
he could brush me off by the operation, but I
wasn't so easily got rid of. The money was
up, you see, and I had no choice but to follow
where he led and stick to the rooter till he gin
out. “Where thou goest, I will go,' I ses to
myself, rememberin' the passage in the Scrip-
tures, and duckin' my head to follow him. I
scrouched down as low as I could and keep on
my feet; for I cal’lated, do my best, the old
woman would git elevated pooty lively.
“She hollered as though a whole menagerie
—elephants, kangaroos, snakes and all—had
broke loose. Her sight wasn't any too clear,
and the whole proceedin's had come upon her
so sudden that she didn't exactly know what
sort of an animal was thar. She would have
been satisfied it was a hog if it hadn't taken so
long to git through. I followed so close to his
'hams that she reckoned we both made one
animal. The hog gin a snort when he started
in to run the blockade, and she ses to herself,
“Thar goes a big hog,' but about the time she
reckoned he had got out on the other side, I
-->
6O PROSPECTS GOOD.
come a humpin' and a boomin' along in my
shirt sleeves, and gin her a second boost,
throwin' the old woman completely off her
pins and out of her calculations at once.
“She did holler good, thar's no mistake
about that.
“The crowd hoorayed and applauded, "he
older ones of course sympathized with the poor
old woman; but they could do nothin' more,
'cause the whole catastrophe come as sudden
as an earthquake and nobody seemed to be to
blame. I wasn't, and they all could see that
plain enough. The young uns went for
the scattered apples, but the pig and I kept
right on attendin' to business. Now and agin
he'd double back towards the crowd, and
they'd commence scatterin' every which way,
trampin' on each other's feet. Si Grope, the
cashiered man-of-wars-man, stepped on Pat
Cronin's bunion, and he responded by fetchin'
the old salt a welt in the burr of the ear, and at
it they went, tooth and nail, right thar. A few
stopped to see fair play, but the heft of the
BITING THE DIRT. 61
crowd, about three hundred, kept right on
arter me and the hog.
“Jake Swasey managed to git up pooty nigh
to us once and hollered, “How are you makin'
it, Jim P’
“‘Fustrate,' I answered; “I cal’late to stick
to this swine through bush and bramble till I
tire him out.' *
“‘That's the feelin’,” he shouted, and with
that we left him behind. The old judge was a
puffin' and a blowin', strivin' his best to keep
up, and for some time he actewally led the
crowd, but he didn't hold out very long, but
gradewelly sank to the rear.
“Rod Munnion, the tanner, stumbled and
fell while crossin' the street. His false teeth
dropped out into the dirt, and while he was
scramblin' on all fours to git 'em ag’in, a feller
named Welsh, who was clatterin' past, slapped
his foot down and bent the plate out of all
shape. Munnion snatched 'em up ag’in as
quick as the foot riz, and wipin' 'em on his
overalls as he ran, chucked 'em back into his
62. THE TAILOR “WETs.” A NEw suit.
mouth agin, all twisted as they were. They
did look awful though, stickin' straight out
from his mouth, and pressin' his lip chock up
ag'inst his nose. You couldn't understand
YºCW-LEGGED SPINNY.
what he was sayin' any more than if he was
Chinnook.
“Bow-legged Spinny, the cabbagin' tailor,
was thar. He met the crowd while carryin'

SPINNY GOES TO GRASS. 63
home Squire Lockwood's new suit, and catchin'
the excitement of the moment, tossed the
package into Slawson's yard, and it bounded
into the well quicker than ‘scat.' He didn't
know it though, but hollered to the old woman,
as he ran past the window, to look arter the
package until he got back. Not seein’ any
package, she allowed he was crazy as a cow
with her head stuck in a barrel, and flew to
boltin' of her doors pooty lively. He had been .
once to the Lunatic Asylum, you see, and they
were still suspicious of him.
“The crowd thought to head us off by takin'
down a narrow lane, and it was while they
were in that that they began to surge ahead
of Judge Perkins. He was awful quick-tem-
pered, and pooty conceited, and when bow.
legged Spinny was elbowin' past him he got
mad. Catching the poor stitcher by the coat
tail, he hollered : ‘What a miserable thread-
needle machine claimin’ precedence 2' and
with that he slung him more'n ten feet, landin'
him on his back in a nook of the fence.
64 . A CASE OF MALPRACTICE.
“That was the day they buried old Mrs.
Redpath, that the doctors disagreed over. Dr.
Looty had been doctorin' her for some time
for bone disease. He said her backbone war
decayin'. He didn't make much out of it
though, and they got another doctor. The
new feller said he understood the case thor-
oughly; he ridiculed the idea of bone disease,
and went to work doctorin’ for the liver com-
plaint. He said it had stopped workin' and he
was agwine to git it started ag’in. I reckon
he'd have accomplished somethin' if she had
lived long enough, but she died in the meantime.
When they held a post-mortem, they found out
the old woman, some time in her life, had
swallered a fish-bone which never passed her
stomach, and eventually it killed her.
“‘Thar,’ ses Dr. Looty, ‘what did I tell ye?
You'll admit, I reckon, my diagnosis of the
disease was right arter all, only I made a slight
error in locatin' the bone !’
“Bone be splintered l’ ses the other feller,
“hain't I bin workin’ nigher the ailin' part than
THE PARSON BECOMES INTERESTED. 65
you?” So they went on quackin' thar and dis-
agreein’ over her, until old Redpath got mad and
hollered, ‘You old melonheads, isn't it enough
that I'm a widderer by your fumblin' malpractice,
without havin' ye wranglin' over the old
woman l’ So he put 'em both out, and chucked
their knives and saws arter 'em. ***
“But as I was sayin' that was the day of the
funeral, and while it was proceedin' from the
church to the buryin' ground with Parson Cool-
ridge at the head, with his long white gown on.
we hove in sight comin' tearin’ down to'ards
the parsonage. The minister was a feller that
actewelly doted on flowers. When he wasn't
copyin' his sermons, he was fussin' around
among the posies. He had his gardin chock
full of all kinds of plants and shrubs. Thar
you could see the snapdragon from Ireland, the
fu-chu from China, the snow-ball from Canada.
the bachelor's button from Californy, and ever w
kind you could mention.
“He had noticed the garden gate was open
when the funeral passed, and it worried him
5
\
66 COOLRIDGE VOWS VENGEANCE.
considerable. So when he heered the hootiºn'
and hollerin', and got sight of the crowd surgin'
down the street, and see the pig and I pointin'
in the direction of the house, he couldn't go
ahead nohow.
“Turnin’ around to the pall-bearers, who were
puffing along behind him, he ses, ‘Ease your
hands a minit, boys, and let the old woman rest
'till I run back and see if that Dudley is agwine
to drive that hog into my gardin. Confound
him ' ' he contin'ed, “he's wuss to have around
the neighborhood than the measles. With that
he started back on the run, his long white gown
a-flyin' away out behind, the most comical lookin'
thing you ever see. And he could run, that
Parson Coolridge, in a way that was astonishin'.
I reckon he hadn't stirred out of a walk before
for thirty years, and yit he streaked it over the
groundas thou gh it was an every-day occurrence.
“His j'ints cracked and snapped with the
unusual motion, like an old stairs in frosty
weather, but he didn't mind that so long as he
could git over the ground. He was thinkin' of
- • *-* -
*-* -
THE INFURIATED PARSON.
67
his favorite plants and the prospect of their git-
tin' stirred up and transplanted in a manner he
*
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NRP AND TUCR.
wasn't prepared to approve.
He did jerk back
his elbows pooty spiteful, now I can tell you.

#53 | THE DEAD ABANDONED.
He tried to make the gate-way fust, and put in
his best strides. But when he saw he couldn't, .*
he hollered, “Keep that hog out of my gardin,
Dudley, or I'll take the law of ye.” j
“‘Don’t git wrathy, Parson Coolridge,' I
shouted. ‘I can't prevent the pig from gwine
in. I have hold of the rudder, but I’ll be
boosted if I can steer the ship. With that,
through the openin' we went, pig fust and me
arter, and the hul crowd a clatterin' behind us.
The judge was amongst 'em, but got left in the
hind end of it, where the women were a-trottin'.
The Parson’s flowers went down with broken
necks quicker than lightnin'. It wasn't more'n
ten seconds until they were six inches under
ground, for the hog kept a circlin' around and
the hoorayin' crowd follerin' arter, payin' no
more attention to the Parson than if he had been
a young 'un a-runnin' around. When they saw
the crowd, the pall-bearers and most of the
people who were jest follerin' the remains
through sympathy, turned back on the run and
left the mourners standin' thar by the coffin.
THE PIG's TAIL AS EVIDENCE. 69
"Oh! it was the most excitin' time the village
ever seed. The ground was too soft in the
gardin for the pig to git around well, and pooty
soon he gin out. I was awful tired, too, and
was hangin' a dead weight on him for the last
ten minutes. -
“When the boys see the knot on the tail you
ought to hear 'em a-hollerin’, ‘Bets off! bets
off!' They were set on claimin' a foul, and
surrounded the old judge, demandin’ thar
money.
“But, as the crowd was increasin’ and the
Parson was elenmost crazy, the judge told 'em
to come with him to the Court-house—he
wouldn't decide nothin' in the gardin. As the
hog couldn't walk, the judge took his tobacco
knife and cut the tail off and took it along with
him to introduce as proof. He decided in my
favor. He said that I had held on to the tail
and touched nothin’ else, and if I managed to
tie a knot while runnin' I had performed a feat
never before heard of in the country, so he paid
over the money.
7e PICTURING THE PARSON.
“But Parson Coolridge was the most worked
up of any of 'em. He had legal advice on the
matter, but the lawyer told him to gin it up, for
the judge was on my side. Besides, he shouldn't
have left the gate open, if he didn't want the
pig to go in thar. Arter a while he gin up the
notion of suin’ me, but while he stopped in the
village he never got over it.
“The boys had pictures chalked up on the
fences and shop doors, so that wherever you'd
look you'd see sketches of the Parson runnin'.
pack from the funeral, and me a holdin' on to
the pig's tail. He paid out more'n ten dollars
in small sums to one boy, hirin' him to go round
and rub out the pictures wherever he'd happen
to see 'em. But every time the Parson would
start out through the village, thar on some
fence or door, or side of a buildin', would be
ſm. same strikin' picture of him, a streakin' it
to head off the hog, so he would start the
i rubbin'-out boy arter that one.
º “One evenin' he happened to ketch that self.
same little rascal hard at work chalkin’ out the
• JUVENILE DEPRAVITY. 71
identical sketch on the cooper's shop door, and
the Parson was so bilin’ mad he chased him aſ
MORE LIGHT ON THE SUBJECT.
over the village. The young speculator had
bin carryin' on a lively business, but arter that
discovery thar was a sudden fallin' away in his

72 SAVED BY JUDGE PERKINS,
income. I tell ye it made a plag'y stir thar for
a while, and I reckon if Judge Perkins hadn't
been on my side I'd have been obliged to git
out of the place.”
-->
MY DRIVE TO THE CLIFF,
AM wofully out of humor, and what is
worse, out of pocket, and have just been
settling a bill for repairs to a buggy
which was knocked out of kilter on the Cliff
House road the other day. At the present
writing I feel that it will be some time before I
take the chances of injuring another. The
moon may fill her horn and wane again, the
seals howl, and the ocean roar, but I will hardly
indulge in the luxury of a drive to the beach
for many a day to come. I had a couple of
ladies with me. Splendid company ladies are
—so long as they have unlimited confidence in
your skill as a driver. But they try one's
patience after they lose faith, and want to get
(73)
74 HIGH-STRUNG TROTTERS.
the lines in their own hands every time you
chance to run a wheel into the ditch, or acci-
dentally climb over a pig or calf. Those who
were with me on that occasion are not particu-
larly loud in their praise of my driving. The
fact is, I didn't acquit myself in a manner calcu-
lated to draw down encomiums in showers upon
my head. I drove a span that day. They were
called high-strung animals. But I don't like
high-strung horses any more. If they would
only run along the track like a locomotive, I
could hold the ribbons as gracefully as any-
body; but I am very much opposed to all of
their little by-plays. This getting scared at a
floating thistle-down, or grasshopper swinging
on a straw, is something I don't approve of in
a horse. There is no reason in it; no profit
accrues from it.
But my trotters were frightened at different
objects at the same moment—one at a snail
peacefully pursuing his way across the road,
and the other at a butterfly winging his wab-
bling flight along the ditch. At once they be-
SUNDRY COLLISIONS. 75
came unmanageable, and vied with each other
in extravagant antics. From the first the ladies
had no very exalted opinion of my manner of
handling the lines. Even before we were well
under way I had the misfortune to run down a
calf. Then a Newfoundland dog thought to
stop the buggy by taking hold of one of the
hubs, but he made a mis-dive, and shoving his
head between the spokes, kept us company for
twenty rods without any effort on his part what-
ever. I also ran over a wheelbarrow loaded
with bricks (the Irishman escaped with a crushed
hat), and overthrew an apple woman's stand
while turning a corner. I can yet hear ringing
in my ear the shouts and execrations of the old
vendor, when she saw the wheels mounting her
baskets and squeezing the cider out of her
choicest bellflowers. Until I passed the next
street I could look back and see the old lady in
her embarrassing situation. There she sat,
caught under the broken table, and kicking
about wildly, in frantic efforts to free herself,
while her bonnet was knocked askew by the
76 A BROKEN MERCHANT.
fall ani stuck on one side of her head in the
most jaunty position imaginable.
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Things were getting badly mixed, so much so
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77
1tuation,
and voting me an incompetent driver, began to
STRANGE ANTICS.
The ladies took a hurried view of the s
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desert me by back-action movements over the
rear end of the buggy.




78 DRIVING NOT MY FORTE.
I shall always think that I could have man-
aged the animals without any difficulty if they
had not both been frightened at the same time.
But with one bucking like a Mexican plug,
evidently bent on crawling under the buggy,
and the other seemingly striving to reach the
stars by an invisible ladder, they were indeed
difficult to control. * A
My companions concluded they had sufficient
buggy riding for one day, and took the cars
into town, while I patched up the harness as
best I could, and returned to the livery stable,
fully concurring with the women folks that as
a driver I was not a success, and that hereafter
promenades would suit me better.
-*
DUDLEY'S FIGHT WITH THE TEXAN.
HE poor cur, kicked and scalded during the
day, at night can lie and lick his sores in
peace. The scudding hare that can hold
out ahead of the baying beagles, until black
Hecate waves her wand between the hunters
and the hunted, may hope to shake them off.
The aeronaut, tiring of the clamor here below,
can rise above the busy haunts of men and
hold sweet communion with the gods in quiet.
But I, alas, find no escape from the inex-
orable plague, “Jim Dudley.”
He comes upon me like a thief in the night
and mars my rest. Within the holy sanctuary,
even, he whispers in mine ear. Through the
busy marts and thoroughfares he haunts me
(7 oy
80 JIM ON THE BORDER.
still ; and tells of fights and hair-breadth es:
capes, with all the glibness of an old battle-
scarred veteran who has primed his firelock in
three campaigns. He talks of drawing deadly
weapons as a dentist would of drawing teeth.
In all likelihood the fellow never drew a weapon
in his life, except, perhaps, at a raffle. I had
long noticed a scar on “Jim's" forehead, but
never ventured to ask him how he got it, fearing
a story would follow. Last night he detected
me looking inquiringly, and without any query
on my part the following infliction fell upon
II] e :-
“You see that scar that looks somethin' like
a wrinkle, over my left eyebrow, don't ye?
Wal, you can't guess how I come by that. Cow
kicked me? No, not by a long chalk, nor a
hoss nuther. I got that scar the summer I was
gwine through Texas. I'll not forget how I got
it, nuther, in a hurry, for I never did have sech a
narrow dodge since the night dad's old house
burned down and I got out through the cellar
drain. *
A RUNAWAY EYES, 81 - -
--~~
“I was travelin' towards the border of Texas,
gwine away back of Waco, and arter. I got as
far as cars would take me I set out on hossback.
One evenin', jest as I was gettin' into a small
village, my hoss got one of his legs into a hole
in the road, and fallin' over, broke it snap off
below the knee. I felt mi’ty bad over it,
because I didn't have any too much money
about me; but I had to leave him thar and go
into the village on foot, carryin' the saddle
along, for I cal’lated to git another animal the
next day and continue my journey. I put up
for the night at a small hotel, and thar was quite
a number of fellers a settin' around the bar-room
talkin'; but amongst 'em was one big, ugly-
looking villain, with a glass eye that was con-
tinewally droppin' out and rollin' across the floor
like a marble. Pupil up and pupil down, it
would move along under chairs and tables, the
most comical lookin' thing you ever sot eyes
on. He would walk after the truant, glarin'
around with the other eye as though watchin'
to see if anybody was laughin' at him. Then
6 «
<---
*
82 WATCHING THE BULLY.
he would pick it up and chuck it back into his
head ag’in, as if it was a pipe that had dropped
out of his mouth.
BILL AFTER HIS GLASS RYE,
ł
“He seemed to be a bully amongst 'em, for
when any of the other fellows went to pass they
circled around him, somethin' like a woman
around a hoss standin' on the sidewalk. I

A COOL PROCEEDING, 83
judged by that they were skeered of him, and
didn't want to git anywhere near his corns lest
they might accidentally touch 'em.
“I sat thar watchin' of him for some time,
and at last, while he was leanin' on the counter
beatin' time with his fingers on top of it, a
feller come in and called for somethin' to drink.
“The bar-tender gin him the bottle and he
poured out a drink and left the glass settin' on
the counter, while he turned around to drop his
quid of terbacker. As he was doin' it the big,
bully-lookin' customer h’isted the glass, drained
it right thar, and smacked and licked his lips
arter it as though wishin' thar was more of it,
somethin' like a young widder arter ye give her
a kiss. & Y
“The feller that ordered the drink turned
back, wipin' his mouth, gettin' ready to swaller.
When he see the empty glass he riz up sort of
indignantly, and was agwine to say or do some-
thin', but when he see who it was, he changed
his mind pooty sudden, and settlin' down about
six inches, turned around and jest slid away
84 FRIENDLY ADVICE.
easy Eke out of the room. As he was gwine
out I :ould see his ears looked as though they
welf: feezin', for they were gettin' whiter and
Sº <-4----
sºs
ZºSs
s
THE MINISTERIAL-LOOKING MAN.
*.
whiter as he moved along down the steps. As
I was thinkin’ about it, a ministerial-lºokin'
man come edgin' up to me and ses:—
“‘You’re a stranger in this quarter, I believe,




NOT A DESIRABLE JOB -85
and ſet me gin you a little advice; it may prove
valuable to ye before you git away from yer.’
“‘Why, what's the matter?' I asked, won-
derin’ what he was comin' at, “have you got the
smallpox in the house?' I contin'ed.
“‘Smallpox l’ he answered. ‘Wuss nor
that, stranger; for the love of peace,”he con-
tin'ed, ‘keep clear of that feller at the counter.
Let him hev his way. You mout as well under-
take to cross a crater as him in any of his bul-
lyin' tantrums. Now mind I'm tellin' ye. If
his eye falls out, don't laugh at it, don't betray
yer emotions.
“‘If he steps on yer corns, take it as if old
Jupiter hisself had reached down his foot and
trod on ye, and you'll come out of it better than
if you did object, a mi’ty sight.' -
“‘Who is he 7' I inquired.
“‘Why, that's Bill Cranebow, Glass-eyed
Bill, they call him. He's had more fights over
that glass eye of his'n than ever a dog had
over a sheep's shank.
“Everybody's afeared of him. They hate
86 BILL KNOWS HOW TO CARVE.
him wuss than a lawyer does a peacemaker.
No one who knows him wants to undertake the
job of gettin' away with him; they'd ruther let
it out to strangers. Oh! he's lightnin' at a
fight, for all he looks so clumsy. What the
butcher is with the cleaver, that Glass-eyed Bill
is with the bowie-knife. He knows jest where
to strike to open a jint or git betwixt two ribs.
You'd think to see him at it, he had practiced
for twenty years with some old doctor, by the
way he can disarrange the “house we live in,”
as the poet ses.’ * _*
“‘Wal, that's sort of curious,' I ses; ‘ain’t
thar no person around this section that has had
any experience at the cuttin' business 2 He's
only human, I reckon. If he gits a poke be-
tween wind and water he's as likely to wilt as
anybody else, isn't he P’ I ses, jokin'ly, jest that
way.
“‘Thunder and mud l' exclaimed the minis-
terial-lookin' man.’ ‘You’ve bin used to fightin'
with women, I reckon. Lose his strength 2
You mout as well try to kill the strength of a
BILL's DARK ROOM. 87
red pepper cuttin' it up, as that feller. Why,
I've seen that Glass-eyed Bill in some of his
fights yer, when he was so cut and slashed
apart that you could see his in'ards workin' like
a watch. And I'll be called a down-east noodle,
if he didn't stand up to his work like a barber
until he got through with his man. He likes to
fight in a dark room best though, 'cause thar's
no chance of gittin' on the blind side of him
thar ; and the landlord not long ago fixed up
one on purpose to accommodate him, he had so
much fightin' to do. He'll work a quarrel out
of the least thing. Laughin' at his eye rollin'
off is as certain a way of gettin' into trouble as
runnin’ ag'inst a wasp's nest.
“‘Though he smokes like a coalpit himself, I
knowed him to pick a quarrel with a young
Georgian and kill him, because he happened to
send a whiff of smoke in the direction whar he
was settin'. Ever since that, whenever he
comes into the room, you'll see the fellers
a-pluckin' and a-snappin' thar pipes out of thar
mouths and crammin' 'em into thar pockets or
~
88 BILL CARVES A TUSCALOOSAN.
under thar coat-tails—anywhere to git 'em out
of sight, like hoys who are just learnin' the
habit when they sight thar dad a-comin'
along.
“‘Take my advice and keep away from him,
for he's dead certain to pick a muss with
strangers, as they ginnerally resent his insults.
Plague on him l’ he contin'ed, ‘I wish he'd go
away from the door, I want to git out; but it's
not good policy to go a-scrougin' past him
while he's lookin' so alfired glum.' With that
the old man went quietly over to a cheer in the
corner and sat down—somethin' the same as a
monkey does when a larger one is dropped into
the cage. ~ *
“I went to bed pooty early that night, as I
was plaguey tired. In the mornin' I learned
thar had been a fight in the dark room betwixt
Glass-eyed Bill and a Tuscaloosan. Bill, as
usual, had killed his man. I began to wonder
whether I'd git into some scrape or another
before I’d leave, and as there was to be an
auction sale of horses and mules that mornin'
A MULE BREEDS TROUBLE. 89
right thar at the hotel, I concluded to make a
purchase and git away as soon as possible.
“I bid two or three times on horses, but they
run 'em up too high. At last they fetched out
a big mule, and thinkin' that would be jest the
thing, I went for him pooty strong, and suc-
ceeded in gettin' him. Glass-eyed Bill had
bin settin' on the door step thar, and didn't seem
to be takin' any part in the biddin'; but when I
went to lead the mule off, he hollered:—
“‘Whar are ye a-gwine with that critter?
Leave him standin' thar, please; I kin attend
to him myself, I reckon.’
“‘Wal,' ses I, jest slow and easy, that way, for
I wanted to keep down my rizin' temper, knowin'
what I was when I got mad, “if I'm any judge of
auctioneerin', the mule is mine, and I cal’late
to lead him away when and whar I please.’
“Just then the same old ministerial-lookin'
man come chuckin' and pullin' at my coat, and
ses he, ‘I’m takin' ruinous risks in speakin' to
ye now,' he ses; ‘but I tell ye again, don't
cross him ; let him have the mule, or you'll
90 BY-STANDERS SMELL DANGER.
expire quicker than a spark when it drops into
a b'ilin' pot. He doesn't want the mule no
more than a husband wants two mothers-in-law;
but he's jest pinin’ to git ye into a muss, and he
doesn't see any way of doin' it without he dis-
putes the mule with ye. Let him have it, or it'll
be wuss for ye; now mind what I'm tellin' ye.' .
“‘No, I'll be shot if I will !” I answered.
“He ain't a-gwine to wipe his hoofs on me until
—arter I'm dead, anyhow.' And with that I
began to move away with the critter, when
Glass-eyed Bill jumped up from whar he was
settin' and shouted pooty snappishly like, ‘Hold
on thar! drop that rope, unless you want to
collapse so quick that one-half of ye will be in
etarnity before the other half knows thar's any-
thin’ amiss.”
“‘On what groun's do ye claim the critter!’
I asked, jest a-b'ilin’ inside, but keepin' sort of
cool outwardly. *
“‘Words doesn't amount to a woman's
sneeze in settlin' a matter of this kind,' an-
swered old Glass-eye.
BILL's BIG BOWIE-KNIFE. 9I
“‘What does, then P' I inquired, quite inno-
cent like, as though I didn't know what he
meant; though I did know sure enuff what he
was drivin' at.
“‘This does l’ he answered, rizin' up and
puttin' his hand behind him, as I do now, and
jerkin' out a rippin' great knife about as big as
the colter of a plow. “That's the sort of a
thing to settle disputes with. No gentlemen
will argue a case while he's got an arbiter like
that to leave it to,” he contin'ed, a-slappin' it
down flatways into the palm of his left hand as
he spoke, and bringin' an echo from an old -
barn that stood near. *}
“I see the bystanders began to turn pale as
whitewashed chimneys, and commenced lookin'
at the ground as though huntin' for straws or
splinters to pick thar teeth with, but they only
wanted some excuse to git away.
“‘Supposin' I should pull out a knife about
seventeen inches and a half long,' I ses, jest
that way, ‘what then 2'
“‘It’s jest exactly the thing I want to see,' he
*
92 THE DARK ROOM. ENGAGEp
answered quickly. “A young mother was never - .
more tickled when she discovered the ſust
tooth a-peepin’ out of her young un’s gums,
than I am when I see a knife comin' out ºf its
sheath in a feller's hand.’
“‘Wal, I reckon you must have been brought
up in a fightin' settlement,' I ses, jest like that,
for I couldn't hardly keep from jokin', he
seemed so amazin' eager. ~. -
“‘Come, which’ll ye do? gin up the mule or
fight? You've got to do one or t'other,’ he ses,
impatiently, as he stooped to pick up his glass
eye, which jest then drooped out and was
a-rollin' under the hoss trough.
**Wal,' I ses, ‘I ain't perticularly stuck arter
fightin', but it's bad enough for a feller to squirt
his terbacker juice onto you, without wantin' to
rub it in ; and if it'll be any accommodation to
ye, I'll fight fust and then take the mule arter-
wards.’ &
“‘Enough sed,” he answered, just short that
way; and then turnin' to the landlord who was
SHARPENING THE TOOLS.
95
standin' in the door, he asked, ‘Is the dark
room ready for use 2'
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STARTLING DISCLOSURES.
“‘No, not quite,’ he answered; “thar's some
pieces of that long Tuscaloosan lyin' around in
*.
Aº’

94 A MANY-RIBBED TUSCALOOSAN.
thar yet, I believe, but I'll attend to removin'
them right away,’ and he started off with a
bucket and dust-pan. 4. • --T
“So we all went into the bar-room, and staid
round thar waitin' until the place would be
prepared. While we were thar, Glass-eyed
Bill pulled out his knife, and commenced to
draw it backwards and forwards over his boot-
leg, as though to git a fine edge on it.
“‘Wall, you can whet your great scythe blade,’
I ses to myself, kind of low that way, for I allowed
he was doing it to skeer me. “It ain't allers the
longest-horned cow that does the most hookin'.
Prehaps my old terbacker shaver has got p’int
enough on it to inaugurate a new passage to the
interior if it won't cut a har.’
“Arter a while he leaned over to a feller
that sat by the table, and while runnin' his
thumb sort of feelin'ly along the edge of the
knife, he ses: ‘The man I bought this from in
Galveston assured me it was the best of steel;
but he lied, I reckon, for I turned the edge of it
last night on that long Tuscaloosan's ribs. Yet
JIM GETS FIDGETY. 95
that's not to be much wondered at, arter all, for
I do believe he had as many ribs as a snake. I
thought I never would succeed in gettin' the
blade betwixt em. Arter I got him down in
the corner and his knife away from him, I com-
menced jabbin' at his armpit, and I prospected
the hull away down to his kidney, before I could
git in far enough to let his dinner loose.” }
“Gewillikins ! when I heered him talkin' like
that, didn't I begin to squirm aud fidget around
on my cheer! I wished then I had never seen
the place, more especially the long-eared mule.
But I see I was in for it, as the boy said when
he got his head stuck in the cream jar. Thar
was no way of gittin' out without comin’ right
down to beggin' off, and I was too consumin'
proud to do that, you know, if I was sartain of
bein’ cut up into as many pieces as a boardin'-
house pie.
“Jest then the landlord came back and sed
the room was ready, but remarked that it was
a leetle slippery yet. He sed, for a lean man he
never did see a feller that had so much blood
96 IN THE DARK ROOM.
—into him as that Tuscaloosan had. Beckonin'
me to the counter he ses:—
“‘You mout as well settle your bill now
before you go in thar; it may be more satis-
factory to you to have the settlin' of your own -
affairs, and it’ll save me the trouble of huntin'
over your effects arter you're dead.'
“All right,' I ses, ‘now, if you say so; but
it's ginnerally admitted that sure things some-
times git mi’ty slippery all to wunst, and per-
haps somebody's goggles may prove blue in
the mornin' that were bought for green uns
at night.”
“I didn't want to let any of 'em think I was
skeered, though, by jingo! I felt sartin of bein’
minced up, and the cold chills were just streakin'
all over me. ---
“So we started for the room, which was about
twelve feet square and dark as pitch.
“The landlord held the door open until we
were in opposite corners with our knives out,
Then he shut and locked it and left us to work
out our own salvation, as the missionary did the
BILL DIES HARD. g?
&
South Sea Islanders when he overheerd 'em
talkin' about the best way of cookin' him the
next mornin’.
“Wasn't it dark in thar though? and still?
you could have heered a lizard a-breathin' in
thar, it was so quiet.
“I allowed Glass-eyed Bill was expectin' that
I would go a-shufflin' and a-huntin' around for
him, but I had no sich foolish notion. I cal'lated
if thar was any findin’ to be done he'd have to
do it, for I was detarmined to stand right thar
till I'd drop in my tracks before I'd go a-s’archin'
around for him.
“I commenced breathin’ about twice a min,
ute, and not makin' any more noise at it than a
wall-bug, nuther. But for all that I heered him
a-movin' over towards me. I'll allers think that
Cranebow had a nose onto him like a setter
dog, for he somehow or another got right over
thar whar I was standin’. Pooty soon I felt
somethin’ a-stingin' along my forehead thar,
and I suspected at once that it was the knife
that was feelin' around for me; so I reckoned
7
98 THE LANDLORD DISAPPOINTED.
it wouldn't be long until he was a-proddin' of it
somewhere else, and like the boy with the
candy bag, I cal’lated the fust poke was every-
thin'; so I made one sudden and detarmined
plunge and a sort of upward rip, at the same
time, cal’latin' to do all the damage I could right
at once while I was about it.
“He heered me start, and thought to squat
down before I got the knife into him I reckon.
Though his intentions were good he only spread
the disaster, like the gal who tried to put the
fire out ºth the corn broom, for as he was
gwine d. a the knife was rizin', and the result
was trul, astonishin'. I'll be smashed if he
didn't fly open from eend to eend like a ripe •,
pea pod. It was done so alfired quick too, ''
that he didn't realize how bad he was hurt
I think. Ses he, 'We'll try that over agin,
stranger.” As he spoke, he started to git up,
but fell away seemin'!y in two different direc-
tions.
“Not on this side, we won't,' I ses, as I went
huntin' around for the door.
SCATTERED HOPES. 99
“I was surprised as much as him at the way
things had turned out, for when I stepped into
that room I looked on it as steppin' into another
world. When the door was found I commenced
knockin', and pooty soon the landlord came
and opened it. He couldn't see me at fust, but
allowed it was the bully that was thar, of course,
and ses he – *.
“‘You made pooty quick work of it this time;
that feller won't want to buy any more mules
arter this, I take it.’
“‘No,' ses I, steppin' out, ‘nor claim a critter
that doesn't belong to him nuther.’
“‘What!' he cried, jumpin' back with a look
upon his face that told me at once he was mi’ty
displeased at the way things war developin', ‘is
it you? whar's Glass-eyed Bill?” he contin'ed,
shadin’ his eyes with his hand and peerin' into
the darkness. *
“‘He's lyin' around in thar somewhar,' I an-
swered careless like, jest that way. The head-
half of him is nigh the door here, paralyzed, I
reckon, but the leg part is somewhere over in
*
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}
• * *
Sº
e
*
• *
IOO J.M RIDES OFF TRIUMPHANTLY.
the corner thar whar ye hear the kickin'; you
mout as well be gettin' yer bucket 2 and
dust-pan ready, for you'll have quite a job
gettin' all the pieces together ag’in, I'm
thinkin’,” I contin'ed, just that indifferent
way, and walkin' out towards the bar-room
as I spoke.
“You never did see a feller so set back in
your life. He looked at me as though I had as
many heads onto me as the beast we read
about in the Scripters. I’ll allers believe that
he was in cahoot with old Glass-eye, and jist
kept him thar to pick quarrels with strangers
so they could have the pickin' over of thar
effects.
“Arter washin' my hands and plasterin' up the
cut on my forehead a little, I went out and sad-
dled the mule, and the crowd all came out to
see me gwine off. I reckon if I had stopped in
the village I could have had things about my
own way for some time. Before I rode off I
turned round to 'em and ses:—
“When you git so frightened of a bully
*.
* *
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4, º
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**.
* *
JIM GIVES ADVICE. IOI
ag’in that you daren't sneeze within forty feet
of him, jest send for me, and I’ll open him up
ready for saltin' while you'd be wipin' your
mouth.’
A TERRIBLE NOSE.
WAS to-day brought in contact with an old
gentleman named Bickerstaff, who keeps a
crockery store in the village where I am
visiting. . This Bickerstaff is the unfortunate
possessor of the queerest-looking nose I have
yet encountered.
It was not the original intention of Provi-
dence that he should follow such a proboscis
through life, for there was a time when he, like
other men, had a forerunner ornamental as
well as useful. But through an accident, the
nose he now bears in all its deformity was
shoved upon him. **.
**.
It seems one day, while furiously pursuing a .
little urchin who had mischievously put a stone
(Io2)
AN UNFORTUNATE STRIKE. IO3
through a glassjar by the door, he ran his face
against the end of a scantling a boy was carry-
ing past on his shoulder, and set his nose well
up on his forehead in a triangular lump.
Strange to say, no inducements that the sur-
geon could hold out served to coax it back to
- BUSTING THIS BUGLE.
its former position. His wife, who was young,
and rather prepossessing in appearance, worried
terribly about it. She finally left him, and went
to live with her mother, and immediately set
about obtaining a divorce from him.

IO4 wiFE SUES FOR A DIVORCE.
She would, in all probability, have obtained
it if she had not died before the case was prop-
erly laid before the commissioners; because she
was capable of doing, better, and when you
come to see the nose with which she wished to
sever her connections, you could hardly blame
her. Old Bickerstaff, to tell the honest truth,
did look like the very old Nick in masquerade
COS turne. -
His nose, as it reposed between his eye-
brows, displayed an enormous pair of nostrils
large as front-door keyholes. At a short dis-
tance a person would think he had four eyes in
his head. He was the living terror of the
school children who daily passed his place of
business. They either scurried past on the
run, or with their hands over their eyes.
& Even among creeping infants—who had
often shrunk back from the threshold as old
Bickerstaff passed the door—he was known as
the Boo; and there was no danger of them
crawling into the street while he remained in
the vicinity.
TOO MUCH FOR THE DOGS. IOS
Nervously-inclined women also avoided him.
They would cut across the road when they saw
him coming toward them, or turn back, feeling
their pockets as though they had forgotten
something, and hurry back to go round some
other way.
Dogs never barked at him. If they happened
to be engaged in that pastime when he hove in
sight, they would slope off the demonstration
into a yelp. And as if they had suddenly recol-
lected that they were wanted at home about
that time, they tucked their tails between
their legs and dusted away at a lively rate.
Hitched horses even snorted lustily and pulled
hard upon their halters when old Bickerstaff
shuffled by.
The old gentleman had a pew in the church
directly in front of the pulpit, and the first time
he attended divine worship after his nose had
been set up, he threw the minister out of his
discourse altogether. He couldn't keep run of
what he wanted to say, no way he could fix it.
**
IO6 DEMORALIZES THE MINISTER. .
He had Jonah swallowing the whale, instead of
the whale doing the job for Jonah.
No matter how much he endeavored to keep
his eyes in some other direction, they would
invariably wander back to rest upon that ter-
rible sight, and then he would be off the track
again in a twinkling. The next day the trustees
of the church waited on Bickerstaff, and in the
most polite manner possible requested him to
exchange his pew for one farther removed from
the pulpit. g
The old fellow—who, by the way, had consid-
erable temper—flew off the handle at once, and
in the most unchristian-like language denounced
the church and the doctrine that would draw
the line of demarkation between fair faces and
plain.
He informed the trustees if the parson didn't
like the looks of his congregation, he could
turn his pulpit around facing the other way.
Yet, though he was rough in his speech, and
given to storming considerably when his pride
was touched, he was not altogether lacking in
A COMPROMISE. Io'7
those qualities which go far to make up your
real man; and when the trustees offered to
give him the side pew rent free, his voice at
once grew low, and in a becoming manner he
accepted the situation. After that things were
not quite as bad. The minister occasionally
got a quartering view of him, but the odd-look-
ing disfigurement didn't strike him with full
force. Still, I was informed, the Reverend
gentleman's discourse was principally ad-
dressed to the hearers on the other side of the
church thereafter.
But—to his credit be it mentioned—he
always turned in the direction of old Bicker-
staff when he closed his eyes in prayer.
DUDLEY'S FIGHT WITH DR TWEEZER.
IM DUDLEY called again last night, and,
J as usual, bored me with one of his yarns.
I overshot myself by mentioning to him
how low he stood in the estimation of Doctor
Tweezer, for that brought down the following
upon my head:—
“Dr. Tweezer didn't speak very highly of .
me, eh Wal, 'tain't to be wondered at when
you know how I wrought upon his feelin's once.
When a feller has to go around among his
patients for more'n two weeks with a beefsteak
the size of a hearth-rug tied to his face, as he
did, he ain't agwine to hurt himself eulogizin'
the person who set him off—not much
“Ever fight? wal, I reckon you'd think so if
(108)
WIDOW GEZOT AND HER HENS. IO9
you had seen the Doctor's yard arter we got
through turnin' the chips over thar. He can
fight, and squirm like a cat with her tail .. 3
tongs, that Dr. Tweezer can. *.
“You see, the Doctor's place was alongside
the widder Gezot's, and she had a numerous
assortment of hens, specimens from cold coun-
tries, with feathers clear down to thar toe nails;
and others from bilin’ hot districts, with no
feathers at all onto 'em, 'ceptin' a few downy
substitutes frillin’ around the neck. They wrre
continually a-gettin' into his garden and a
sprawlin’ round in the soft beds thar.
“He was pooty mad over it too, for he prided
himself on razin’ early vegetables, and two or
three times he cautioned her to look arter her
p'ultry, or he'd gin 'em a dose that would warm
thar little gizzards for 'em, if he was any judge
of drugs.
“The widder Gezot was a plaguey stirrin'
little woman, one that was allers willin' to
flounder ahead the best way she could. Being
myself sormewhat interested in the lady, I used
--~ *
1 to TWEEZER DOCTORS THE HENS.
to ginerally chime in when she got into any
difficulty.
“She soon told me what Dr. Tweezer said
about the hens; so we set in, and poked 'em,
and stuck feathers through their bills, and did
all we could, except wringing their necks, to
keep ’em out of his garden.
“But hens are hens, you know, and the warm
sand makes 'em feel mi’ty nice, I reckon. They
still managed to git through the fence, or over
it, and hold caucuses in the Doctor's onion
beds. One day, arter I had bin down town
talkin' politics with the boys thar, I was settin'
on the widder's door-step smokin' and musin'
like, when I see her hens come a-rustlin’ hum
as though forty hawks were a-stirrin' 'em up.
They p'inted straight for the water trough, and
after takin' about two dips into it, commenced
the wildest gymnastic feats you ever see, flip-
flopin’ around, stannin' on thar heads, and then
on thar tails. Finally they quieted down, and
turnin’ feet up, lay thar dead as the chips
around 'em.
ONWARD TO THE FRAY. II I
“I more than suspected Dr. Tweezer had gin
'em a dose of arsenic or some other miſty
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tellin' drug. So I jest riz up quietly and took
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HI 2 DUDLEY ATTEMPTS TO PAY HIM.
he was, a-staggerin' and squirmin’ around,
a-holdin' of his sides, and e'enmost a-bustin’
with in'ard laughter. Now this sort of Upsot
me. Not that I cared so much about the
widder's chickens, but I didn't like to see a
feller so mi’ty tickled over a mean trick. So I
went prancin' around to the Doctor's yard
pooty durned lively, a-pullin' off my coat as I
ran. I cal’lated I couldn't devote much tire to
strippin’ arter I got in thar.
“His back was towards me, and he tºever
suspicioned I was comin', but stooped over,
warpin’ around and sort of unwittin'ly invitin' a
kick.
“‘It’s mi’ty funny business, a pizenin’ chick-
ens, isn't it?' I ses, jest that way, and at the
same time I gin him such a hoist that I sent him
playin' leap-frog mor'n fifteen feet, and for a few
moments I reckon he thought he had backed up
ag’inst a batterin’ ram.
“He was mi’ty cranky though, and turned
round quicker than a dog when his tail is trodon.
“Dudley, he hollered, “you meddlin' ruffian,
QUITE A LIVELY TIME. II 3.
you've invoked the pest, so now look out for
scabs,’ and with that he came at me like a
cluckin' hen at a strange dog. I see I was in
for a lively time, as the boy said when he upset
the bee hive. At it we went, ring and twist,
duck and dodge, hop and catch it, round and
round the yard like fightin' turkeys. I could
- play around him at boxin' like a cooper round
a barrel, but he was grizzly on a hug, and could.
kick and gouge like a Mississippian.
“He went for my right eye like an Irishman
for a ballot box. I'll be blowed if I didn't think .
I'd have to go one eye on it ever arterwards.
Several times he had it stickin’ out like a door
knob. Finally, while, he was a-fumblin' round,
he accident’ly slipped his finger into my mouth,
and I shut down on it mi’ty fast now I can tell
you. g-
“‘Fair play ! fair play!' he hollered, “no.
bitin’.”
“‘Rats l’ ses I, jest that way, 'twixt my teeth,
“all's grist that comes to my mill, I reckon, and
with that I snapped it off at the second jint like
8 *.
II 4 SCALDING THE WRONG PTG.
a radish. Jest then his wife, hearin’ an unusuah
rustlin' and scrapin’ around the yard, come
a-runnin' to the door to see what was up.
Woman like, without inquirin' into the particu-
lars, she took sides to wunst, and started with a
dish of hot water cal’latin' to gin me an al-fired
scaldin'. Luckily she stumbled over the dog
that was a-skelpin' into the house to git out of
harm's way, and her own young un that was
crawlin’ around the floor munchin' dirt got the
hottest bath it ever experienced. That gave
her somethin’ else to look arter, so that the
Doctor and I had it out alone.
“Arter we had bin at it about fifteen minutes
we held a sort of informal truce, just arter a
simultaneous exchange of compliments, which
left the Doctor layin' across the grindstone and-
me astride the pump. It was the first chance I
had of gittin' a fair look at him since we started
in. I see he was punished mi’ty bad. One
eye was retirin' from active service pooty fast,
while his face ginnerally looked as if he had
bin bobbin' for pennies in a dish of tomato
ADMIRING EACH OTHER. II 5.
sauce. H reckon he wasn't aware he presented
such an appearance, for ses he:—
““You’re lookin' mi’ty bad, Dudley, and you
mout as well gin up now as any time, for you'lf
eventually have to holler.’
“If I looked one-half as bad as you do, Doc-
tor, I would holler,' I answered.
“I ginnerally have to look about this bad
before my blood gits up to a fightin' heat,” he
ses, detarminedly.
“‘Wal, ses i, ‘I’ve fit at every election for
the last five years, and last Fourth put the
bully mate of Terre Haute into a coal bunker,
blind as a bat, and I cal’late no derned pill-
mixer is agwine to git away with me very bad.”
“You’ll have to be born agin before you
can whale me, Dudley,’ he shouted, ‘for I'll
fight while there's enough blood left in me to
lunch a stall-fed muskeeter.’ *
“We both suck through the same straw then,
Doctor’ses I, “for I cal’late to stick to you like
a poor man's plaster to a beggar's ribs, or I'll
have the worth of the widder's chickens out on
116 TOUCHED WITH THE SPUR.
ye,’ and with that I spit out his finger that I had
forgot all about, and the hul time had bin
thawin’ like a piece of flag-root, I was so burnin'
mad. I allers will think he would have gin up
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HANDS UP AND HEADS DOWN.
the fight then, if he hadn't seen me spit out the
finger. He looked down at his maimed hand
and then at me, and the awful sight seemed to
spur him on ag’in.

LIBERAL BLOOD-LETTING. 117
“‘You cannibal varmint l’ he hollered, as he
edged up to me. “I’ll make head-cheese of yeſ" -
and with that he made a pass at me; so at it we
went ag’in, hotter than ever, hands up and heads
down like fightin' wasps, round and about, over
the goose-house and wheelbarrow spat-a-te-
kick, roll-et-e-roll, and the hair was a flyin' and
the teeth war a spinnin'. I got in a left-handed
wipe on his chin while his mouth was open,
swarin', and I made his jaws snap like a wolf
trap, and sent one of his molars a buzzin’
through the kitchen winder like a bullet from a
Springfield muskit.
“I never knowed a man could lose so much
blood and stand up arter it, until I had that
fight with Dr. Tweezer. The blood was a-flyin'
from him every which way, like the water from
a sprinklin' cart, and yet he wouldn't holler.
“Arter a while he clinched and throwed me,
but I managed to turn him, and commenced to
shut off his supply of wind by twistin' his neck-
tie ; but jest as his tongue began to crop out
promisin'ly, a couple of fellers drivin' by in a
1 I 8 TAKEN FOR A LUNAT1c.
wagon seen us, and they allowed that I was
Qne of the Doctor's crazy patients that had got
the better of him; so they come runnin' in
with a long rope, and set in to tie me up right
thar.
“The plaguey Doctor turned in to help 'em
do it, too. I cussed, and hollered, and kicked
Toff both boots, and broke two of my teeth
a-grittin' of 'em, I was so consumin’ mad. But
it was no go; I was a-playin' a lone hand, with
both bowers and the ace ag'inst me.
“The fust thing I knew they had me tied
hand and foot, and histed into thar greasy old
meat wagon with some dead hogs.
“‘To the lock-up with him,' shouted the
Doctor, jest bilin’ with rage; “he’s crazy as a
cow with her horns knocked off.” They took
me thar sure enough, and I staid thar till mid-
night before the mistake was known. I was
pooty well scratched up, but that Dr. Tweezer
was the most horrid sight you ever did see. ,
“Arter that fight he looked as though he had
been the subject in a dissectin’ room, with at
AFTER THE FIGHT. I Ig
Beast a dozen medical students peelin' and
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GALAS Poor pocºroR.
hackin' of him in the interests of science. The















































T 2C EATING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
T}octor allowed that the erysipelas would set
in, seein’ thar were so many small veins busted .
in his face, so he painted it all over with scarlet
iodine as a precautionary measure.
“He did look like the very old Nick, and no
mistake. His face was fearfully puffed up, you
see, and his nose was knocked clear away round
to one side. His mouth in Jarticular WalS 2#.
study that a feller couldn't git familiar with. It
*WºlS 31 problem that the more you looked into
the more your ideas got confused. It was
swelled and twisted and run around, out of all
shape and proportion.
“He had the terriblest time you ever heard
of gittin' his victuals/into it and fairly started
down his throat. Thar he would sit at the
table, explorin’ about for fully five minutes
-strivin' to make the harbor, and when he
couldn't fetch it, he would draw the spoon back
and look at it a while, plannin' another expedi-
tion. He knew where his mouth ought to be,
you see, and where it had been a few hours
before, and to be obliged to canvass the whole
AN UNCERTAIN MOUTH. I 2 #
of his head to find it was somethin’ he wasn't
accustomed to.
“It seemed as if he never would git through
jabbin' the spoon about his face, and when he
would finally strike the openin', it would be
away round on one side of his head, so much
so, in fact, that a person would think he was
pourin' the soup into his ear. He would be all
hunkadory then durin' the remainder of that
meal, but the next time he would come to the
table, the same performance would have to be
gone through with.
“He couldn't keep run of the thing, nohow.
ſt was here to-day and somewhere else to-mor-
row, like a wrinkle in a shirt.
“The swellin' kept shiftin' and undulatin’
about continually, down in one place and up in
another, all within an hour, and that would
shove the mouth away down along the neck
somewhere, or clear across to the other side of
the head, perhaps.
“The family would be sittin' thar eatin' no
more than he was, they would be so busily
I 22 AGGRAVATING QUESTIONS.
engaged watchin' his singular manoeuverin', and
it would make him so roarin mad that he would
send 'em all away from the table.
“He tried to eat by the aid of a small lookin’
glass, but that didn't work any better than goin'
it blind. When he saw how disfigured every
feature was, his appetite would begin to git
away from him pooty lively, and he would sling
the glass into the corner, and fall to denouncin'
me like a crazy bush-whacker. -
“The yard, too, was a sight; everythin' in it
was painted and scratched and painted ag’in.
“Old Mrs. Sharron—who was allers a-
smellin’ around about butcherin’ time, on the
lookout for a fresh morsel—was gwine by the
Doctor's the next mornin', and she noticed the
blood and ha'r a-stickin' to the chips and pump
handle, and she allowed he had killed his spring
pig, so she dropped in to ask him for the ears
and a piece of the liver.
“The Doctor thought she was runnin' him on
his late skirmish, and you never see a man fly
into such a passion in all your born days.
->
A HASTY RETREAT. I 23
“He jumped up and pulled his pizen pump
out of a drawer, and ses he: ‘You old faded
remnant! you scollop! you creasy old cinder of
an incendi'ry fire l’ he contin'ed, jest that way,
“I’ll gin ye jest seven seconds to git out of my
house in, or I'll hoist the gizzard out of ye
mi’ty quickl’
“Jehominyl wasn't she skeered, though 2
You never see a cat git from under a stove
quicker when a pot biles over, than she got out
of that house.
“So Dr. Tweezer didn't speak very highly of
me, eh? Wal, now you kind o' know the
reason, don't ye * *
GOING UP THE SPOUT.
ATS and mice, like ourselves, often labor
at a great disadvantage while endeavor-
ing to make a livelihood. They often
make a miss of it altogether by not knowing
the proper time to set out upon an expedition.
Their life is a perpetual skirmish. They have
to take chances and be upon their guard con-
tinually. Their mortal enemy and dread, the
cat, may be asleep in the fourth story, and the
poor mouse knows not of it as he looks wist-
fully across the intervening space between the
ash barrel and the basement stairs; but after
weighing the chances of escape or capture, he
scurries across the opening with as much haste
(124)
TRIALS OF A MOUSE'S LIFE. I 25
as though the sharp claws of pussy were raking
the stunted fur from his wiry tail.
The sun may pour down its genial rays and
the planks which his way lies over be warm and
inviting, but he cannot loiter to enjoy its
warmth or survey the beauties of nature. Oh
who would be a mouse ! sigh I, as I sit and
ponder over his life of inherent fear and
uncertainty.
He seems to have no confidence in himself.
His actions are like those of an inferior checker
player. Shove about as he may, the chances
are he will soon regret the manoeuvre, and
wish himself safely back again at the starting
point.
Everything about the premises seems to be
after him. He regards the old blacking-brush
that lies under the bench with looks of suspicion,
for hours together, and dare not risk a scamper
past. He takes it for a horrid cat, quietly and
patiently biding her time. He retires into his
hole and waits fully an hour before peeping out
again; but there it sits, to blast his sight and
I 26 LIVING IN TERROR.
*ause a cold thrill to run along his little spine.
The fact that it does not change its position
does not in the least weaken his mistrust; on
the contrary, it rather strengthens it. “It is
so cat-like,” he says to himself, “for it to be
sitting there motionless.” In the handle pro-
jecting from one end he very naturally thinks
he recognizes the tail, and at this new discovery
he backs into his hole again in great trepidation.
He feels certain now that he was right in his
suspicions. Another wait follows. On again
emerging, there it lies as before; and if that
mouse was profane, and had a soul to hazard,
it would undoubtedly hazard it, and roundly
berate that brush through compressed teeth
It takes but little to set a poor mouse into a
perfect fluster. Down rolls a stick of wood
from the pile, and Mr. Mouse, nibbling at the
other corner of the shed, jumps at least eight
feet in the direction of his hole. The wind
blows down the clothes-line stick, and simulta-
neous with its fall upon the planks the heart,
liver and lights of the poor mouse seem to be
A CAT's LIFE RATHER FASCINATING. 127
running a steeple-chase to see which can jump
from his mouth first. Away he scurries across
the yard, so fast, that though your eyes were
endeavoring to keep up with him all the way,
you merely know something has been moving,
but can only surmise what. **
We think sometimes the trials and disap-
pointments of humanity are great, but dear me !
what are they compared to the miseries of these
poor creatures. From their hardships deliver
me! For all their care and caution, they do so
often miscalculate. . This is evidenced by the
number of times our old cat enters the house
with her mouth full, and her eyes sparkling with
pride.
There is nothing so very degrading or humil-
iating in a cat's life, and the thought of becom-
ing a cat does not make one shudder as does
the thought of becoming a mouse. A good
household cat does not occupy such a very bad
position in life after all; by good I mean an
excellent mouser, one never guilty of letting a
mouse escape after having the second wipe at
* 28 A CAT's LIFE NOT DESIRABLE.
him; no scraggy creature, with stove-sing"?
back and scalloped ears, but a well-behaved,
home-loving animal. The lot of such a crea-
ture is preferable to that of some men whom I
have met in life, that is, if there were no rude
children in the house. There is always some
drawback; a cat is peculiarly blessed that lives
in a house where there are no children; it
seems to be counted as one of the family
almost, and its life, though short, is certainly a
happy one. But ah! these reckless children,
that snatch up Tommy by the tail as they would
a sauce-pan, and as though the tail was actually
intended for a handle. On second thought, the
life of a cat is not so very pleasant after
all.
For the last half hour I have been deeply
interested in the manoeuvres of a large rat in
the yard of an adjacent house. He has made
three unsuccessful attempts to go up the sink-
spout. Thrice has he glided up the slippery
incline until the tip of his long tail disappeared
from view, but as often has he beat a hasty
A PERSEVERING , RAT. 129
retreat, assisted on his downward way by a
rushing torrent of hot dish-water.
He is a determined fellow, however, and
ON A RAID.
sticks to an enterprise with the spirit and per-
tinacity of a world-seeking Columbus, or a
prison-breaking Monte Cristo. No doubt the
hungry edge of appetite is whetted by the

9
§ 3O DREAMS AND REALITIES.
strong effluvium arising from Limburger cheese
(the people are Germans), that fills the whole .
atmosphere with an odor truly agreeable to the
rodent nose, every time the pantry door is
opened. The cheese has been lately stirred
up, I presume, by the trenchant knife of pater-
familias, and consequently the poor hunger-
pinched rat is allured up the spout at this inop-
portune hour, while the servant girl is washing
the dishes. #
Every living creature has its weakness. The
horse whinnies when the oats draw nigh, and
forgets the galling collar. Sheep, that at other
times will not come within gunshot, grow tame
and unsuspicious when the salt is shaken in the
pan.
The hog has a penchant for clover-roots, or
wherefore does the rusted wire ring ornament
his nose 2 Is it there because it is the fashion ?
Ask the farmer.
And undoubtedly cheese is the weakness of
the rat family. It is their aim, and often their
end, too. It is the shrine to bow down before
A SAD AWAKENING, I 31
which the rat will jeopardize his life every hour
of the twenty-four. ---
He dreams of it. In his fitful slumbers he
beholds it ranged around him tier on, tier, as in
a great store room, and not a cat within forty
leagues. He is in the rat's Paradise, and
happy. No deceptive poisons that consume
the stomach, no insidious, subtle traps, yawning
ready to clutch the unsuspecting victim, sur-.
round him. He is safe and at peace, and
would dwell there forever and forever in one
unbroken endless night. But the heavy rum-
bling of a dray startles him, for all sweet
dreams have their wakings; alas ! that it is sol
He wakes, and where is he 2 Under the wet
sidewalk, drenched and tousled with the drip-
pings of the day's rain, with nothing for break-
fast but a dry onion peel, the prog of the
previous night, which nothing but a forty-eight
hours' fast could induce him to seize. Ah,
me! what chances the fellow has to take in
Örder to secure sufficient sustenance to keep
life and body together.
# 32 VICTORY OR DEATH !
“Honor pricks me on,” soliloquized old Sir
John, on the field of Shrewsbury, when he
withdrew from the general clash and rendering
up of souls, to breathe a spell, and moralize
upon the insignificance of Fame, or Honor, as
against the value of life. But nothing pricks
on the poor rat but his craving little digestive
organs. The mill is crying out for grists, the
hopper is empty, the stone still turning, and
something must be done, and that quickly.
No honor is attached to the expedition, and
even though he should succeed in making the
“inning,” which is doubtful, all that can be
said is, that he has “gone up the spout,” and in
the common acceptation of the saying, inat is
certainly nothing to be very highly elated
OVer. /
I actually feel ashamed when I think of the
many projects I have abandoned through life,
because I met with slight reverses. Here be-
fore me is this poor water-soaked rat, his hair
still smoking from his recent scald, emerging
once more from behind the wood box, deter-
“UP THE SPOUT.” I 33
mined to solve the problem of the sink-spout
or perish in the attempt. A grim smile of
resolution seems to part his pointed features, as
he moves quietly up to the dripping conduit
from which he lately scampered with steaming
ribs. ?
They may talk of deeds of noble daring, of
vaulting the breach, or traversing the wilds; but
for sterling courage, for indomitable persever-
ance and pluck, commend me to this little
adventurer in my neighbor's yard. In the face
of three scalding inundations, he ventures again
upon the expedition, unshaken, unsubdued,
unterrified. He takes more chances and sub-
jects himself to more risks in ascending that
spout than old Samuel de Champlain in explor-
ing up the St. Lawrence among the Iroquois.
What if the large flea-pasturing dog lying ,
indolently in the yard would rouse from the
lethargic sleep that holds him, and for once
make himself useful by thrusting his bristling
muzzle up the orifice after the little explorer,
thereby cutting off retreat in the event of
“DOWN THE SPOUT | *
I 34.
The terrible result
of such an action on the part of the dog is too
painful and improbable to contemplate.
~4-
another disastrous deluge?

JIM DUDLEY'S SERMON.
EREAFTER I shall have no faith in
reports. Last week I heard that Jim
Dudley had left the city, and was con-
gratulating myself on at last escaping him. But
my congratulations were premature. Last
night he called upon me, and kept me in tor-
ture for fully two hours; at a time, too, when I
should have been asleep. But what cared he
for that? The scoundrell there was no shaking
him off. He sticks to a person like mortar to
a brick. I had to sit and listen, though I do
honestly believe every word the fellow uttered
was an unqualified lie; but he swears to its
truth, and how can I prove it otherwise. It is
better to take it as it comes, and ask no ques-
tions for conscience' sake.
(135}
3.36 AN UNPROFITABLE GENIUS,
“I never told you about the sermon I
preached over in Misertown one Sunday. I
had a time of it thar and no mistake. Hold
on a minute and I'll tell you how it was.
SOMETHING NEW.
“You see, Gil Bizby—that plaguey shirk, I
never mention his name but what I feel like
trouncin' of him—but he was a genius though
and no foolin’ about it, a natural born inventor,
chock full of notions as a toy shop.

THE CHICKEN PLUCKER. I 37
“But somehow or another he never could
bring anythin' to a payin' focus. Allers whit-
tlin' and borin' and plannin’ around though.
Wherever you'd meet him he'd be haulin' out
of his pocket some old drawin', with more
wheels and contrivances pictured out on it than
you could think of in a twelve hours' dream.
He never could git the cap-sheaf onto his
endeavor though. Allers somethin' amiss; a
wheel too many, or another one wantin', or too.
many cogs to have the thing work just right,
“He invented a contrivance for pluckin'
chickens.
“That was a rustler. He shoved the fowls
through a machine somethin' like a corn
sheller, an gin 'em an electric shock while
passin' along, and shot 'em Out of a spout at
t’other end of the machine as bare as weavers'
shuttles. He didn't make anythin' out of it
though. He had to chuck 'em through while
alive, you see, and that clashed with the law.
When he took the machine down to the city to
introduce it to the pultry dealers, the society
I38 A TRAGEDY.
fellers who look out for the interests of dumb
critters got arter him and sewed him up. They
put a reef in his jib pooty quick now, I tell you.
“They were passin' along through the mar-
ket one day, and they saw Gil just a humpin'
himself showin' off the apparatus to the market
men. He was crankin' and pumpin' away, like
a sailor when there's fifteen feet of water in
the hold and still rizin', and the chickens were a
screamin' and a scootin' through the contriv.
ance, close as if they were run on a string -
head ag'inst tail, and just a cloud of feathers
hoverin' around over it. Didn't they fasten on
to that Gil Bizby though 2 They snatched him
up quicker than if he had been hoss-stealin',
and confiscated his plucker, and tucked an
alfired heavy fine onto him besides.
“Meetin' with such poor encouragement in
that direction he went back to Sculleyville, and
set out to invent a thunderin' great machine for
layin' cobble-stones. That was just him all
over; allers startin' in to git up some outlandish
lookin' thing. This machine was a crusher and
GIL BIZBY KNOCKED SENSELESS, I 39
no gettin' 'round it. It was fearful enough to
make a cow slip her cud, I'll be shot if it wasn't.
It looked somethin' like Noah's ark set on
wheels and filled with all kinds of machinery.
“He started in to experiment one moonlight
night in front of the court house, but got the
main belt crossed or somethin', I disremember
just what, and Jerusalem in less than ten
minutes he ran the whole population out to the
foothills in thar night-clothes. There wasn't
no stoppin' the consarned thing. Poor Gil was
knocked senseless at the first revolution, and
nobody else knowed how to control it. It rolled
the whole length of the square, tearin' up the
stones it had pounded down the day before and
sendin' of 'em buzzin' over the village in all
directions.
“No home was sacred, and no head was safe,
as the poet has it. Poor old Mrs. Scooley lived
just long enough to learn this, and no longer.
She was goin' once too often to git her pitcher
filled at the corner grocery that night, and a
stone took her in the small of the back as she
I4O MRS. SCOOLEY FOLLOWS.
was enterin' the door, and it h’isted her clear
over the counter on top of a barrel; it's true
.Fº
§ºº§3
i
§E.º
NS:
-
:
THE DocToR's scourge.
as I'm tellin' it to you. Poor old body; she
was the pioneer female of the village too. The
first woman to wash a shirt in Sculleyville.
j



SOMETHING NEW. I41
But arter all, the town wasn't much loser by
her passin' away.
“She was a sort of panicky old critter any-
how, always scary about catchin' the smallpox
or any other prevailin' disease that come
around. The old village physician said he
would ruther see the very old scratch makin'
toward him on the street than old Mrs. Scooley.
“Comin' from church or market, as the case
might be, she would fasten onto him like a
wood-tick to a leaf, and he couldn't git rid of
her nohow. She would have him time her
pulse right thar on the sidewalk; and be a
shovin' of her tongue out for his inspection.
And she did have such an unlimited, wallopin'
great tongue too; it seemed when she was
shovin' of it out as though she was actewelly
disgorgin' her liver. It's so, by Jingo! People
would be a stoppin' and standin' thar, wonderin'
what was the matter with the old gal—that is,
people that didn't know her peculiarities; though
most everybody in the village had seen her
standin' in that position so often, that they
I42 A SURPRISE.
would be more surprised to see her with her
tongue in her mouth than projectin’ out in the
rain.
“The old Doctor used to be terribly an-
noyed. He would say, kind of hurriedly like,
because he would be itchin' to git away from
her:
“‘Oh! you're all right I reckon, Mrs.
Scooley; but you had better be a gittin' along
home, and not stand too long in the cold air,
with so much of your vital organs exposed to the
weather; the result may be fearful if not fatal l’
“That would ginnerally start her off pooty
lively towards her shanty. They say the first
time the Doctor saw her tongue he was sur-
prised so much that he looked actewelly
skeered. Ses he: ‘I’ve been nigh unto eight
and thirty years a practicin' physician, and until
this moment I flattered myself that I was
familiar with all the ins and outs of the pro-
fession. But I begin to think I gin over the
dissectin' knife too soon, for here's somethin'
that I was not prepared for."
*.
GATHERING FOR SERVICE. I43
“But that's not tellin' you about the sermon,
is it? but when I mentioned that Gil Bizby, I
sort of wandered off arter him and his con-
trivances. Wal, as I was about to tell you, Gil
and I were saunterin’ around Misertown one
Sunday, and we saw any number of gals goin'
into the school-house where the preachin' was
carried on. So we concluded to step in and
git a better look at some of 'em. I didn't
know many of the people round thar, but from
what I heard I judged they were the meanest,
close-fistedest set of sinners that ever had the
gospel dispensed with amongst 'em.
“I understood they had treated their minister
plaguey mean when he fust come thar to look
arter them. Thar was no regular place for
him to stop, you see, and they agreed amongst
themselves to take turns a keepin’ him until
they could get a house up for him. He was
one of those young, easy, green kind of fellers
that had seemin'ly never been so far away from
home before but what he could see the smoke
of his father's chimney, or smell his mother's
I 44. THE NEW MINISTER.
corn-dodgers burnin'. And they soon took
advantage of it, and sort of played button with
him, shovin' him around from one to another as
though he was too hot to hold.
“He fust went to a feller by the name of
-- ſwigglewort. Ses Wig, “I’m really very sorry,
Mr. Sermonslice, but we unfortunately have no
accommodations for you at present. We have
no placé for you to sleep 'thout we put you in
the barn, and the nights are ruther cold for
that, besides the rats might annoy you. Sorry
you happened to come just at this time, of all
others the most embarrassin.' It's not but
what I would like to have you stop with us;
I would, indeed, Mr. Sermonslice, consider it an
honor to have you.’
“The minister, takin' his books under his
arm, started out into the night as though his
life depended upon the most prompt kind of
action. He wasn't within hailin' inside of two
minutes. He went over and succeeded in
gettin' lodgin's with a feller named Joe Grims-
by, who lived over by Frog Marsh.
TOO LAZY TO PRAY. I 45
“Joe was too derned lazy to do his own
prayin', and while the parson stopped with him
he got rid of it. They do say he was the lazi-
yest old curmudgeon that ever turned up his
†
*S
*-
§
S
Joe GRIMSBY.
eyes. He used to say a praar at the beginnin'
of the month, and on the followin’ nights he
would always allude to it in a sort of matter-of-
fact way. “You know my feelin's towards ye.

IO
I46 IMPROVING THE TIME.
Nothin' hid from ye I reckon. I haven’t
changed my sentiments yet. If I do I’ll let ye
know of it. I’ll keep nothin' back from you,
though it should take the har off.' He would
go on in that business-like way, and the hul
time be a crawlin' into bed.
“Wal, as I was goin' to tell you, Gil and I
poked into the buildin', and sat down thar
amongst the congregation. -
“The minister hadn't come yet, and pooty
soon an old feller got up, and ses he, “It may
be the minister has had a late breakfast and
will not git here for some time yet. In the
meantime, as it's a dry season and our crops
need a shower of rain, we mout as well have a
little prayin' goin' on. We can't do much
harm anyhow, and we may be the means of
bringin' down a good smart shower that will
be money in our pockets in the long run.’
“He asked several to take hold and do
somethin' in that way, but one had a cold, and
another one was just gettin' over the mumps.
And so on they went makin' excuses. Finally
A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE MINISTER, I47
the old feller turned to me, and ses he ‘Per-
haps you would lead us, you look like one who
has had some experience that way.'
“I thanked him for the compliment, but told
him I was somethin' like the officers in the
army—I would ruther foller than lead. But
he stuck to me like a Jew to a customer.
Arter a while I consented, and jest as I was
about startin' in, a feller come in and said
the minister had got a terrible ticklin' in his
throat caused by partly swallowin' a har in the
butter over to old Joe Grimsby's, and couldn't
attend to his duties that day. So the old chap
got up ag’in, and ses:— •
“‘We won't have any preachin' then, without
some person present will volunteer to act in
our pastor's place this mornin'.' But no one
spoke up. ‘Perhaps,’ he ses, turnin' to me,
“you would favor us by conductin’ the service,
young man. You doubtless are competent to
perform that duty.’
“This sort of got me. Then the thought
struck me perhaps I'd make somethin' out of
I48 LONG OR SHORT METER,
'em by it. Besides I didn't want to plead ig.
norance right thar amongst 'em, so gettin' up, I
ses: ‘This is somewhat unexpected. Honors
foller one another pooty fast.” With that I got
into the pulpit and began to look down at 'em
pooty seriously. Thar was no Bible on the
desk, so I asked if thar was any person that
would loan me one for the occasion. -
“Some of 'em spoke up and said they had
books, but were in the habit of keepin' 'em to
foller along arter the minister, and correct him
when he made a mistake. Besides they liked
to see how he worked out the text. I looked
at 'em some time pooty hard. I thought they
beat anythin' I had come across for some time,
and I had a good mind to git down ag’in, only
I allowed they'd laugh at me. So I ses, “All
right. You can keep your books. I reckon I
know enough by heart to git along with.' I
then gin out somethin' for them to sing.
“‘Short or long meter P’ inquired the leader
of the singers, who were settin' over in the
corner. I didn't exactly understand him. As
PUBLIC REBUKES. I49
I knowed he was in the habit of meetin' Sal
Clippercut over to Mrs. Curry's every Sunday
afternoon, I allowed he was longin' to meet
her. I spoke up pooty sharp, and ses, “You
will please sing what I gin you to sing. I
reckon you aren't longin', to meet her so bad
but what you can wait until arter the service is
over. She'll keep that long, I reckon, without
spilin'. I know her. She isn't none of your
Spring chickens nuther,' I contin'ed, just like
that, and you ought to have seen the way he
looked; and the gals commenced to snicker
and crowd their handkerchiefs into thar
mouths.
“One little red-faced critter that sat alongside
of him tittered right out. Her mother, who was
sittin' near by, jumped up and ses: ‘Becky
Jane, you go right strait hum this minute, and
go to peelin' the 'taters for dinner.' But a
feller who looked as though his mother had
been a mullator, or even somethin' of a darker
shade, got up and ses:
“The gal isn't to blame in the least. It's
150 AN OLD SISTER MAKES A SPEECH.
that feller in the pulpit thar. . I for one don't
want to hear any more of his lingo.’
“‘Wal, then, you can stuff wool in your ears,'
I ses, ‘and you won't have far to go to git it
nuther,' I contin'ed, just that way, alludin’ to
his own har, which seemed pooty woolly.
“You ought to see how they looked, fust at
him, then at me. He colored up, I reckon, but
he was too black to show it. I heard him grit
his teeth from whar I was standin’. He didn't
say any more, but an old woman who was
settin' near jumped up, and ses she
“The meetin'-house is turned into a thaye-
ter! When a muntybank gets into the pulpit
it is high time for respectable people to be
movin'. I'll leave!' she exclaimed, pullin' her
shawl around her shoulders and beginnin’ to
bustle out of her seat. r’
“‘Wal, ye kin go l’ I hollered, jest that way,
for I was beginnin' to git sort of riled at the
way things war a goin’. When I'm talkin'
politics or arguin' over the merits of whisky,
I can bear crossin' and any amount of contra-
THE OLD LADY WELL STIRRED UP. I51
diction. But right thar, where a feller had to
be choice of his language, it was different busi-
ness. “Ye kin go,' I ses. ‘We kin git along
without you, I reckon. We're willin' to chance
M
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TRUTH IS POWERFUL,
it, anyhow. Take your knittin' along; don't
leave that behind,' I contin'ed, pointin' to the
seat as though I saw it lyin' thar. I didn't
though, but I wanted to give her a mi’ty hard

































I52 SHE RETIRES IN DISORDER.
rub, for I suspected her piety was put on, and
that she was displeased because nobody was
noticin’ her new bonnet.
“The hull congregation took it for granted
that the knittin' was thar, and you ought to
have seen 'em stretchin' and cranin' out thar
necks as far as they could to get a look into
the pew. *
“One old feller that was settin' back pooty
far, craned out kind of quarterin' ruther sud-
denly and his neck gin a crack like a bon bon.
He commenced oh! ohin' and tryin' to git it
back to its old position agin', but he couldn't
make any headway until his wife went to rubbin'
and chafin' of it, right thar.
“But that old woman, whew She was as
mad as a wet hen. She couldn't hardly find
the door, she was so mixed up. When she
finally got thar she turned round and straight.
enin' of herself up she ses, ‘Young man l’—
Before she got any further I broke in on her,
for I judged she had a tongue that was hung
in the middle. So I ses, ‘That'll do, that'll do,
Clii, BIZBY GIVES ADVICE ON PREACHING. I 53
Mrs. You kin move along. You're disturbin'
the peace of the congregation, and besides all
that you're showin' your false teeth mi’ty bad
in the bargain.' *
“She got out arter that pooty lively, now I
can tell you. I could see her as she went up
the road towards her home, and two or three
times she stopped and turnin’ around acted as
though she had half a mind to come back and
try the hul thing over ag’in. But arter standin'
thar a while thinkin' like a pig when it's listenin'
to the grass takin' root, she would shake her
head and move along up the turnpike as though
she concluded she had enough of that kind of
pie.
“This piece of performance sort of throwed
me off the track. While I was standin' thar
thinkin' where to start in with the discourse,
Gil Bizby come a crawfishin' up the steps to one
side of me and whisperin' ses, ‘I say, Jim, you
haven't got to chock blocks already, have ye?’
“‘No,' I answered, ‘I ain't got to chock
blocks, but I've got the ropes twisted around
I54. A SOUND BIBLE SCHOLAR,
and things look ginnerally mixed jist now, I
can tell ye.” ---
“‘Wall, start in on the sermon at once then,”
he urged, “for they are gettin' mi’ty impatient
now I can tell you. You've got to be doin'
somethin' pooty quick. But whatever you do,"
MR. SPUDD,
he contin'ed, “don’t git up very high without
havin’some idea how you are goin' to git down
ag’in. Keep steerin’ around waters that you've
piloted over before. Remember a blind mouse
shouldn't venture very far from its hole, espe-
cially if thar's a whole generation of cats
watchin' of it.’

A TEXT HARD TO FIND. I 55
“With that he backed down to his seat ag’in,
and took out his pencil and began to design a
machine for pickin' the bones out of fish, on
the fly-leaf of a book that was lyin'...thar. So
I started in on the sermon. It wasn't much of
a sermon, to be sure. It was more like a
lectur’. I couldn't think of any passages of
scriptur' just then, so I gin 'em the line from
the philosopher, “Why does the frightened dog
depress his tail when he runneth P’
“You ought to have seen 'em rustlin' and
turnin' the leaves, huntin' to find the passage.
One old feller by the name of Spudd com-
menced to paw over the pages, and his wife
ses, ‘Don’t go that way; turn back to the Book
of Job.” He looked round at her with his
under lip stickin' out jest that way, arter wettin'
of his thumb to start turnin' over ag’in, and
ses, ‘Job be biled and buttered I kin pick old
Solomon from amongst a thousand of 'em. He
was sound on the goose, he was."
“Two or three of 'em started in to ask me
where the text was located, but I kept on talkin'
THE OLD INTERROGATORs

(156)
NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS. I 57
right straight along, lookin' around to all of
'em at once and no one in particular. I didn't
gin 'em a chance to stop me ag’in, or git a
word in edgeways. One singular-lookin' old
coon with a weed on his hat got up and stood
signalin' of me, and waitin' and watchin' for a
chance to ask me somethin.' But I never let
on to see him. I reckon he stood thar five
minutes with his finger up pointin' to attract
my attention, and his mouth open so wide, that
from my elevated position I could tell what he
had swallowed for breakfast.
“I gin 'em a sort of ramblin' discourse,
alludin' to the prevailin’ passions, and errors of
the age. Amongst other things I touched on
jealousy a little-I wanted to stir 'em up a
trifle on that subject, because there was a great
deal of jealousy in that neighborhood. The
green-eyed monster was a-rantin' and a-ravin'
round in a good many households, and as it
ginnerally turns out, there was least cause for it
where it was most prevailin'. One old feller
was moved by the first remark. When I said
I58 THE MEETING OUT.
—quotin' from the poet—‘Jealousy in the wife
is wuss than trichina in the pork,’ he leaned
over to the man settin' in the next pew and ses,
‘I can't tell you for the life of me whar he gits
the passage, but it's the solid truth, anyhow.’
“So I went on and finished the sermon, or
lectur' ruther, and then I ses, ‘The choir will
please sing the hymn beginnin’ “Give, give,
give to the needy,” arter which I will pass
around amongst the congregation and take up
a collection for the benefit of the heathen in
furrin parts.'
“Je-whitteker | You ought to have seen 'em
turn around and look at each other when I said
that. I can't describe it to you. I can't do the
scene justiss. If I had told 'em I was goin’ to
stay with them through the season, I could
hardly have started ‘em to thinkin’ any more
than I did by tellin' 'em about that collection
for the heathen in furrin parts. *
“Arter two or three attempts the singin'
began. I closed my eyes, and leanin' back in
my chair minister-like, commenced to estimate
A MEAN MAN. I59
the probable yield of each pew. While I was
thinkin' thar, and cal’latin’ how much I would
make by the preachin' business, I noticed the
singin' dyin' out, and a dyin' out slowly like, as
the prisoner said his hopes were when the
sheriff was a-fumblin' around his neck adjustin'
the rope. So I opened my eyes easy like, as
though comin' back to earthly scenes reluc-
tantly, and you can water my whiskey if I
wasn't just in time to see ole Ned Scullet's
coat-tails whiskin' around the door jamb, the
hindmost rag of the congregation. Women
and children and all were gone sure enough.
On lookin’ out of the winder I see 'em a
scatterin’ and a-hustlin' and elbowin' themselves
ahead of each other along the turnpike, as
though thar was great danger in bein’ left be-
hind.
“Would you believe it, thar was that plaguey
shirk Gil Bizby a-cranin' up the hill a-leadin'
the crowd. I sat thar a while lookin' after 'em
and then, comin' down, I began to look around
a little, and pooty soon I noticed that several
*===
I6O HOW THE MINISTER GOT HIS PAY.
of 'em left thar hats, they were in such a hurry
to git out. So I selected a good one, only ’twas
a little out of fashion, and puttin' it on I ses to
myself, “If you think I'm interested enough in
your welfare here or hereafter to preach to you
for nothin', you're mistaken, I reckon.” With
that I walked out, but not until I had kicked
the remainin’ hats around the room pooty
lively.
“The next day I noticed an old feller with a
dilapidated beaver on, that looked as if it had
done duty on a scarecrow for several seasons,
sidlin' up to me, and circlin' around two or
three times lookin' mi’ty close at my tile. I'll
allers think it was his stove-pipe, but he was
too much ashamed to come right out and lay
claim to it.”
MY NEIGHBOR WORSTED.
ºmmammºmº
S I look from my window I am surprised
at the change the last half hour has
wrought upon my neighbor and his
immediate surroundings. At that time he
emerged from the shed in which he keeps his
extra household furniture, with a length of
stove-pipe, and an elbow under his arms.
They were apparently just the things he
needed to tone down the draught of his new
stove, and shoot the sparks clear of the
banker's eaves.
I think I never saw him look better-natured
than at that moment. His face was clear and
unruffled as a woodland pool. His children
played around him with unsuspecting minds
II - * : 61)
I 62 TERRIBLE TRANSFORMATION.
and unlimited speech. The household cat,
with all confidence in his noble nature, famil-
iarly rubbed her ribs against his leg, as he
for a moment stood deciding which end of the
length to introduce to the elbow. Even the
old hen roosting on the inclosure seemed to
settle her head into her body with more than
ordinary satisfaction as she regarded the com-
placent scene beneath her. --
But half an hour ago all was peace, confi-
dence and love, and now what a change is
here ! I hear the children, but see them not.
Their plaintive wail reminds me how often
laughter is the harbinger of tears. The hen,
with ruffled feathers and outstretched neck,
stands aloof upon the ridge of a distant dwell-
ing. The household cat that had grown old in
the family, and had good reason to believe her-
self privileged, purrs no more. She has pain-
ful reasons to think otherwise now, as she
crouches in the most retired corner of the
premises, assiduously applying whatever balm
her tongue affords to injured parts. She
.*
THE OBSTINATE STOVE-PIPE. I 63
doubtless muses how heavier than an infant's
spoon it is to feel an adult's boot.
Yet my neighbor was neither rash nor
hasty.
He seemed the embodiment of perseverance,
as he repeatedly offered that length of stove-
pipe—an elbow, which it, like a prudish maiden,
provokingly refused. Soon the drops of per-
spiration began to stand upon his face and
neck in large globes, and I knew that patience
was oozing from every pore. I knew by the
scattering children, the cackling hen, and the
flying household cat, that the “rose-lipped cher-
ubim,” of which the poet sings, were abiding
with him no longer.
Presently his wife came to his assistance with
a case-knife, and for a time it seemed as though
victory would crown their united efforts. Re-
inforcements turned the tide at Waterloo, and
laid proud France at the mercy of Europe, and
how often the assistance from the mind or arm
of a noble wife rolls back the enemy from the
door. But reinforcements could not mend the
164 SOMETHING JOB NEVER HAD.
matter here. The poor woman soon retired
from the scene with wounded fingers and
damaged pride.
My neighbor himself has ceased to strive.
Flattened, kicked, and abandoned, the pipes lie
masters of the situation.
Ah! I am fully persuaded that neither depth
of affliction, nor height of impudence, nor length
of trial, nor breadth of argument, nor extrava-
gance, nor parsimony, nor things in particular,
nor things in general, can begin to compare, as
triers of patience, with a couple of old frill-
edged stove-pipes, that emphatically set their
edge against a union.
A VISIT TO BENICIA.
Toº I had occasion to visit Benicia.
The place is situated on the Straits of
Carquinez. Not far from the town the
Government Arsenal and Barracks are situated.
And as a striking proof of the loyal and law-
abiding spirit of the citizens, I may mention the
fact, that all the Government property above
alluded to is defended by two soldiers, a cor-
poral—who, by the way, has a wooden leg—
and a high private.
While stopping there, I noticed they were
engaged in the pleasurable task of firing a
salute of twenty-one guns, in commemoration
of Bunker Hill. They were having a busy
time of it, for while the wooden-legged corporal
(165)
- 166 THE HERO's FIRST EXPLOITS.
W2LS loading and discharging the cannon, the
private was forwarding the ammunition from
the magazine—about a quarter of a mile distant
—in a wheelbarrow. “If soldiers will do this
in time of peace,” I said to myself, “what would
they not accomplish in time of war?” and I
walked away from the spot, congratulating my-
self for having invested in Government bonds.
The town, in all likelihood, would never
have been heard of outside of the State of
California, had it not been for the brave “Be-
nicia Boy.” Here it was that he swung the
blacksmith's heavy sledge, and practiced the
first rudiments of the pugilistic profession,
which subsequently gained him his world-wide
notoriety.
Many of the citizens are yet pointed out to
the visitor as parties who at some period of
their life served as a sand bag on which the
muscular “Boy’ hardened his knuckles.
As I gazed upon the scattered village, for it
is no more, I mused, how a man should come
forth from such a paltry place to “awe" the
THE TOWN PUMP. 167
world. For as Goliath challenged the hosts of
Israel, so came the brave “Benicia Boy” and
dared creation's millions,
And as the youthful shepherd, afterwards
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king, rose up and smote the overweening giant
with a stone, till his brain oozed forth, so from
Albion's Isle a youthful “King” smote the
Western champion in the midriff with his maw-
ley, and all his wind gushed out!
















I68 FELLING A MULE.
After searching some time to discover the
blacksmith shop where the pugilist used to
work, I learned that it was long since torn
down, and a church now occupied the site. But
an old gentleman, who kept a small boarding-
house, conducted me to an ancient pump, at
which he said the “Boy” on several occasions
bathed his nose after having a bout with some
person who didn't let him have things all his
own way, and there I wept my tears of tribute.
A large iron-bound boot-jack, set in a glass
case, was shown to me by a saloon-keeper. He
assured me, with this weapon the “Boy” had
killed several cats belonging to the neighbors,
which had disturbed his slumbers. This boot.
jack had also caused the death of a mule, for on
one occasion the pugilist hurled it with such
violence at a cat that was scampering across
the roof of a shed that the heavy missile went
through the boards. A farmer's mule that was
standing inside received the weapon behind the
ear, and immediately went to gravel as though
he had been felled with a sledge-hammer. The
A TERRIBLE BLOW. I69
farmer instituted a suit against the “Boy” to
recover damages, but the friends of the pugilist
made up a purse to satisfy the demand of the
farmer, and the matter was hushed.
I was also shown a jagged hole in a high
board fence, which, it is said, the “Boy” made
one night while going home from a neighboring
saloon.
It seems he had some trouble with a com-
panion before leaving the saloon, and seeing his
shadow dogging his steps, mistook it for the
substance of his late antagonist; very naturally
presuming that his intentions were anything but
friendly, he turned hastily around and dissipated
the obnoxious shadow by knocking it about fif-
teen feet into the garden.
The fence rattled and shook around the whole
lot under the terrible blow. He made a hole in
the boards through which a large goat could
readily jump without sacrificing any of its hair
by the performance, and permanently injured
a good-sized pear tree that stood inside the
inclosure, about three feet distant. The concus-
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A SCIENTIFIC OPENING.




























(170)
HIGH PHOPES. 171
sion was terrible. A couple of turkeys that
happened to be roosting in the tree at the time
dropped from their limb as though shot through
the head with a needle-gun. Never afterwards
could they be induced to roost upon anything
further from the ground than the cross-bar
of a saw-horse or the handles of a wheel-
barrow.
No doubt the town at one time had great
expectations, as it formerly was the capital of
the State. It is now a capital joke to see a
person undertaking to walk through the town
in the winter season, without faith strong
enough or feet broad enough to support him
upon the surface of the oceans of mud he will
find himself gazing wistfully across. !
On my way down a man was pointed out to
me on the boat who is said to be the meanest
man in his county. My informant assured me
that when the mean individual's wife died last
year, he borrowed a pair of forceps from the
dentist at Benicia, and extracted all her gold-
filled teeth. And on the morning prior to
172 . A MEAN MAN.
her funeral he sat upon the door-step, hammer
in hand, with a flat-iron upon his knees, crack-
ing the teeth like English walnuts, and with a
sewing awl extracting the filling from the
cavities. -
THE COUNTRYMAN’S TOOTH.
AST evening, while sitting in a physician's
office, I was amused by a countryman
who entered the office to have a tooth
extracted. The doctor took one of the old-
fashioned “cant hooks" and went for the
molar, but whether it was owing to lack of
skill or the patient's ducking while the instru-
ment was being adjusted, it became fixed
directly between two teeth, and after a painful
struggle, out they both were drawn. The
operator saw he had taken out two masticators
instead of one, and before the patient noticed
the fact one was chucked under some papers
lying upon the table by his side.
“Jerusalem I.’” cried the countryman, as soon
(173)
I 74 THERE IS THE TORMENTOR!
as he could speak. “I thought by the yankin’
and the torturin’ pain you had hitched the
blamed thingamagig onto my backbone and
was a snakin' it out. Why, bless my soul!”
he continued, as he ran his tongue into the
awful chasm. “Hain't you made a mistake,
doctor, and pulled out the jaw instead of the
tooth 2 Thar appears to be a ginneral cavin'
in all around thar.” f
“Oh, no,” said the doctor; “there is the
tormentor, sir,” and he held up the one tooth
before the contorted face of the victim in tri-
umph. “Your teeth pull out easy, sir, for their
size,” he continued, as he wiped his instruments
and put them away.
“They do, eh?” he exclaimed. “Wal, dear
help them that have teeth that come out hard.
"Taint all in the pullin', nuther, but the incredu-
lous hole they leave ahind 'em when they do
come. Why, my teeth seem as far apart as
two Sundays to a laborin' man.”
“The other teeth will crowd over after a
while,” said the doctor, encouragingly.
HOPES HE'LL GET USED To It. I 75
“It may be I'll git sort of used to it after a
while,” he replied, “but I'll be blowed to the
moon, if it doesn't feel as though my tongue
was wabblin’ around in some other person's
2
mouth about this time; ” and he arose from
the inquisitorial chair, paid the danpages, and
left the office.
A ROLLING STONE.
THIS afternoon, while climbing a steep hill
that overlooks the bay, in company with
-- a gentleman named Stone, I saw an
illustration of the old maxim, º A rolling stone
gathers no moss.” We had almost completed
the ascent, when Stone's feet slipped from
menced a rapid descent. --
• , About four hundred feet of steep grade -
stretched before him without let or hindrance.
saw at a glance he was bound to pass over .
ey ºch of the space before he stopped.
On ise went, gathering speed as he pro- -
cee, and catching wildly around him at
every evolution; but, as there was nothing
* . . . . . 176) . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A CLOSE RACE. I??
growing upon the barren slope but stuntest
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178 THE HAT DISTANCED,
about ten revolutions his hat came off, and for
a short time the race between him and his
tile was truly interesting. It would have been
an even bet which would first reach the fence
at the bottom of the hill. After making about
half the distance, however, the hat swung in
ahead of him.
Whether it was the wind acted upon it I
couldn't tell, but Stone overhauled it and, pass-
ing over it, materially injured its form as a
roller, by giving it an oblong shape, and soon
left the crushed hat wabbling far behind. He
turned neither to the right nor to the left, but
rolled as straight down the hill as a saw-log
down the bank of a river into a mill-pond.
Goats nibbling in the vicinity paused in their
repast and looked pitifully at the gentleman as
he went tumbling by them, and evidently con-
gratulated themselves on being goats, that feel
at home on the steepest hillside that nature
can present to their hoofs. When, in his mad
career, my friend Stone would reach some
intercepting shelf, he would bounce about three
£HEAP TRAVEL. I79;
feet into the air, and continue down the incline
with increased velocity. Nor did he stop his
brilliant course until he brought up whack
against the fence.
Fortunately he was unhurt, but was so dizzy
that everything was turning around him for an
hour afterwards. He declares that though he
should live until he becomes so old as to forget
the way to his mouth, he has taken his last
Hook at the city and the surrounding bay from .
the summit of that hill. And when we think
of his last descent from that high altitude, we
can hardly wonder at the declaration.
MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
Namusing scene occu rred this afternoon as
I was coming up from the post-office.
It was a case of mistaken identity. It
seems a somewhat dissipated old Irish woman
was deserted some weeks ago by her husband.
Through her domestic troubles and excessive
drinking she at times becomes quite crazy, so
much so that her friends have to keep a con-
stant watch over her to prevent her from doing
mischief. She is very large and powerful, and
when in one of her tantrums is no easy person
to manage. It appears that when she has one
of these crazy spells, she imagines she recog-
nizes her husband's Milesian features in almost
every face she looks upon.
(18o)
SPOILING FOR A FIGHT. 18r
This afternoon, while the crazy fit was upon
her, she escaped from her keepers, and rushed
into the street with dilated eyes and dishevelled
hair. With sleeves rolled above the elbows
and clenched hands, she charged up the street,
looking right and left for some person on whom
to fasten.
She was indeed ripe for an encounter, and
nearly the first person she met was a promi-
ment clergyman returning to his residence from
the Mercantile Library, with his newly selected
book under his arm. She stood for a moment
directly in front of the minister, and riveted
her red optics upon his face in an inquiring
stare, which soon kindled into one of recog-
nition.
Anticipating trouble, he attempted to pass
around her and proceed quietly on his way.
But she was too quick for him.
Reaching out her long bare arm, she brought
it around like the boom of a sloop, and with
one wide sweep knocked his hat spinning to
the sidewalk at her feet.
182 |NOT EASILY DECEIVED,
He stooped to pick it up again, and while
bent in the act, she seized him by the hair with
Both hands, and giving a guttural laugh, not un-
tº:
a tºº
E85
Nº.
THE CLERGYMAN IN LIMBO.
like the self-satisfied croak of a down East bull-
frog, exclaimed:
“Ah !. Barney, ye galavantin' spalpeen l ye
can’t desave me wid yer stove-pipe | So ye’d
*

THE MINISTER SQUEALS. 183
dezart the wife o' yer boosome, would ye 2 ah,
ha! come home wid me now, or I'll be afther
takin' your durty ould scalp along wid me!”
A soft rabbit under the wide paw of a Cali-
fornia lion, or a sparrow in the talons of a hawk,
is not more utterly helpless than was the poor
dominie in her terrible clutch. His position
was anything but an enviable one. It actually
seemed as if every hair upon his head was
gathered and drawn into one mass, over which
her muscular fingers held complete control.
He dropped his book and shouted loudly,
partly through pain, and partly anger at seeing
the fate of his fashionable hat, now lying under
her great broad foot, flat as a German pan-
cake.
His cries of fear only made the crazy woman
more confident of her abilities. She commenced
backing along the street, in the direction of
home, and at every step, with an irresistible
yank, she dragged the expostulating minister
along with her over the uneven sidewalk.
She had snaked him along fully two rods in
184 “MARMION TO THE RESCUE.”
this manner, and was making, to use a nautical
phrase, such good stern-way that she was on
the point of breaking into a trot, when her heel `
scaught on the edge of a plank.
The result was terrible in the extreme.
She fell backwards, pulling the unfortunate
captive to the sidewalk after her, where they
gyrated in the most ludicrous positions imagin-
able. -
A couple of gentlemen, emerging from a
-store at that instant, looked on the pair in
blank astonishment for a moment. Recog-
nizing their own gifted pastor, they ran to his
assistance, and lost no time in raising him to
his feet, and turning over the old crazy woman
to an officer who happened at that moment tº
step out of a saloon.
JIM DUDLEY'S RACE.
**--
OW that I am rid of my wild-cat mining
stock, my aching teeth and inverted toe-
nails, “Jim Dudley’ turns up again
with his stories and slang.
Last night he told about the fast team he
once sported in Indiana, and I wager consider-
able that he never drove a horse in his life, ex-
cept it was to the pound, that he might get half
the fine. But this is the way he spun his
yarn —
“Did the boys tell you about the span I used
- to drive down at Grab Corners? No? wal,
that’s queer. I owned a mi’ty fast pair while I
was stoppin' thar. *
“You see, I fust had a four-year old hoss, and
(185)
186 TIM DUDLEY's RAT-TAIL MARE.
used to go buzziń' through the village like a
streak o' lightnin'; and when I had jest enough
whiskey aboard to make me feel a leetle reck-
less, I used to turn the corners on the two
inner wheels and never make a miss of it.
“My ambition was to own a span, though.
Arter a while I bought a young mare from
Deacon Shovelridge. She was the homeliest
lookin' critter, though, you ever sot eyes on.
Her tail was as hairless as a garter snake. She
was a basin-raised colt, and one mornin’ she
was standin’ round whar the boys were makin’
soap, and while backin' up to the blaze to git
warm, her tail caught fire, and every spear of
hair was burned off. It never came out agin,
nuther. *
“It made her look pooty bad, but I see the
go was in her, and that was what I was arter.
Durin’ fly time I used to help her out of her
troubles a leetle by fastenin' a heavy tassel to
the end of her tail, and arter some practice she
could fetch a fly off her ribs or fore shoulder
e'enmost every pop.
THE PAIR. 187
“I got her pooty reasonable. The Deacon
said he was actewally ashamed to go out with
her, for the boys were allers a-hootin' arter him.
Besides, the old codger seemed to have a likin'
for me, and allers took my part when others
were runnin' me down. The mare matched the
young hoss fust rate. Both had hides like rhi-
noceroses, which sweat could never get through.
They might be bilin’ hot inside, but they never
showed any signs of it outwardly.
“Arter a little trainin’ they pulled together,
and spatted it out as even as the wheels of a
ferry boat. I used to make a commotion
among the villagers when I turned out, for I
could pass everythin' around the Corners; and
you ought to have seen the fellers a-runnin'
out to hold their hosses by the head when they
see me comin', and the winnmin a-hollerin’ and
tuckin' up their skirts, and scuddin' arter their
young uns as though a drove of Mexican cattle
were a-comin’ across the bridge.
“One day an old sport named Abe Drake, a
sort of spreein’ old bachelor, come over thar
188 ABE DRAKE's TEAM OUT.
from Illinois. He afterwards married a broken-
winded old concert singer that used to be
S
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ABE DRAKE.
squeakin' around there, and went to live in
Huſltown.
Wal, as I was sayin', he come over
there and brought a spankin' fine team along.
~










THE BELLE OF THE WILLIAGE. 189
They were amazin’ nice-lookin' critters now,
I can tell you ; skins smooth and shiny as
seals, and tails on 'em that actewally trailed in
the dust behind. He allers had plenty of
RATE RY KERT,
money, and was continewally takin' the gals
around to one place or another. He was
ginerally considered the biggest cat on the
wood-pile. We never came in contact when

I90 ty P IN THE FINE ARTS,
we had our teams out till one day at a picnic
in Gawley's Wood.
“That straw-headed Kate Rykert was thar.
She was the rollickin', don't-care gal of the vil-
lage, one of these tree-climbin', astride-ridin'
critters, but a mi’ty good gal for all that, and
handsome as a new fiddle. She was well up in
|
the fine arts, but she could realize more genu-
ine enjoyment chargin' through the pastur'
astride the old mooly cow than she could by
strummin' a pianer. *
“Wal, there wasn't hardly a gal in the vil-
lage that Abe Drake hadn't been a-spurrin'
round, and he had sort O’ commenced a-
trampin' on his wing like around Kate Rykert
about this time.
“It happened I had a sort of weakness that
way myself, and I didn't like his maneuverin'
any too well now, I kin assure you. He
couldn't make much out of Kate, though.
She liked fast horses and a splurge, but she
wasn't one of those gals that would marry an
KATE RYKERT'S DECISION. I 91
old pair of breeches jest because there was
greenbacks in the pockets.
“But as I was remarkin', that day while the
picnic was breakin' up, we all got talkin' about
a ball that was comin' off the followin’ week
down at Crow Bend. Abe wanted Kate to go
down thar with him, but she had partly agreed
afore that to go long er me; so to git herself
out of it and me in, she said she would go with
the one who could take her the fastest.
“That's me,’ said Abe, straightenin' up
kind of proudly, and givin' his pantaloons a
hitch up at the waistband. ‘I can let you count
the panels along the turnpike a leetle the
quickest of any person around these quarters,'
and he looked sidewise at me to see how I took
the assertion.
“‘It’s not allers the hen that does the most
extensive advertizin' that makes the largest
deposits,’ said Tom Ruggles, laughin', as he
sat thar packin' away his dishes. ~~~~
“‘No, Tom,' said Gus Parks, the millinery
man, who didn't like Abe any too well, because
I 92 ABE CRITICISES DUDLEY's TEAM.
he sort o' smashed an engagement between
him and the schoolmarm; “and it's not allers
your longest-tailed quadrupeds that git over
the ground the fastest, nuther.’
“‘Wal, never mind, boys,’ ses I, jest easy,
that way, ‘the proof of the whiskey is in the
headache arterwards. I reckon I kin kill as
many grasshoppers between here and Grab
Corners as any person that cracks a whip.’
“‘What with them thick-skinned critters of
yourn ?’ said Abe, p’intin' his fingers at my
hosses, and laughin' as though it was mi’ty
funny. It made me feel pooty riley, but I kept
my temper. * ~.
“‘Supposin' they hev thick skins,' I ses,
“they're somethin' like the cheese that goggle-
eyed Peter bought from the peddler, their pe.
culiarity doesn't lie in the thickness of their
hide so much as in the mysterious way they
have of movin' themselves around.’
“‘S'pose you try a race back to the Corner,
then,' ses one of the boys. }
“‘Yes,’ ses Kate Rykert, clappin' her hands
A RACE ARRANGED. - I 93
and jumpin' up. “I’ll ride back to the Corner
with one of you, and let Tilley Evans go with
the other, and I'll go to the ball with the one
who gets to the village first.’
“‘Agreed, ses. Abe, ‘and you'll ride back
with me P’
“‘No, I’m heavier than Tilley, ses Kate;
“let everythin' be even ; toss up for partners
back to the Corner.’ ~-
“This seemed fair, so we flipped, and I won
Kate. She weighed ten pounds more than
Tilley, but I didn't care for that, for I knowed
if the worst come to the worst, she was none
of your jumpin' out kind; she would stick to
the buggy while there was one wheel and the
seat left, and that's the sort of a gal to have
along with a feller when he's tryin' hoss
flesh.
“The whole picnic gathered around us when
we were gettin' our teams ready and, war
speculatin' on the result. Money was gwine
up on all sides. Parson Briarly had no change
about him, but he bet his gold-bowed spectacles
[3
I94 HEAVY STAKES FOR KATE.
against old Silverthorn's meerschaum pipe that
I would git to the Corner fust.
“‘Beat him, Jim,' ses Gus Parks, ‘and I’ll give
Kate the best bonnet in the store.’
“And I’ll give her the highest-heeled pair
of boots that I've got in my shop,' said Tom
Ruggles, the boot and shoe dealer.
“‘Then Kate is a bonnet and a pair of boots
ahead, for sartain,’ ses I, jumpin' into the
buggy and squarin' round my horses for the
road; and with that we started, lick-a-te-split !
down the turnpike, Abe a leetle ahead, but not
enough to make much difference with five miles
of good turnpike ahead of us, without let or
hindrance.
“Pooty soon Kate leaned over to me, and
ses she, ‘You must beat him, Jim, for between
you and me, I would rather go to the ball with
you than with Abe.’
“This made me feel mi’ty good, and ses I,
‘You musn't get skeered then, for I reckon
we’ll hev to take some desperate chances to
‘git thar fust.’
KATE’s LOST BONNET. I95
“‘Let me alone for that,’ ses she ; ‘when I
can't ride as fast as a hoss can run, then I'll
stay to hum, and let dad tote me around in the
wheelbarrow.’
“Just then we came up with him. He tried
to shake us off, and would spurt ahead, but I’d
crawl up on him agin, and stick thar, lappin'
him and goin' with him stretch for stretch, like
a dog when he's a-freezin' to a pig's ear. Away
went Kate's hat a-flutterin' over butter-cup
Swale, like a Bird of Paradise over the gardin'
of Eden. -)
“‘That's mi’ty bad, Kate,’ ses I, lookin' over
my shoulder at it sailin' off.
“‘Let it go hatchin', ses Kate, laughin’. ‘It’s
only gettin' Out of the way of the new bon-
net.’
“I thought 'twas a good omen myself, but
didn't say anythin', for jist then Abeeshot a
leetle ahead, and as he was gwine off, he hol-
lered, ‘You can't do it, Jim.’
“‘I kin,' ses I, determinedly.
“‘Your hosses are ginnin' out; they hain't
196 “SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS.”
got the bottom into 'em, he shouted, jest that
way.
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Past Brian O'Laughlan's door-yard we went



























I97
NECK.
NECK TO
like a whirlwind through a flour mill, over a
hen and three suckin'
The old woman
pigs.
was standin' thar in the yard with her apron
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JUST AS IT WAS.
her fist at "us and
3.
shakin
like a drunken
y
ickens
full of ch
Her long "
5
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gypsy.
tongue was a slushin' and dashin' against her
one front tooth like a mop ag'inst a table leg.








































198 GETTING INTERESTING.
“I could have laughed myself to tears, only
- I had to keep my eyes clear, for the road was
so narrow in some places that when we were
abreast there wasn't any ground to spare.
“We were now passin' the half-way spring,
and the race was fully as undecided as when
we broke away from the hootin' crowd on the
picnic grounds.
“Down past old Deacon Shovelridge's ten-
acre hop yard we went, rack-a-te-bang! hub end
against hub end, and the outer wheels a-spokin'
it within six inches of a four-foot ditch.
“The ride to the Corners began to look like
the ride to etarnity, and Tilley was as pale as
a gray nun's ghost, and continewally making
narvous reaches for the lines.
“But Kate was equal to the surroundin's.
Thar she sot, with one arm around me and
'tother graspin' the seat rail and above the
clatter of hoofs and steel axles, I could hear
her repeatin':- •
“‘Stick to him, Jim, and start my stitches, if
he doesn't git his crop full of dust yet!’
2
ENCOURAGEMENT BY THE WAY. I99
“Old Shovelridge was in the field on a load
of hay as we were passin'. He was inclined
to piety, and if the world had no hosses in it, I
reckon he'd have been as pious as a church
Organ.
“And when he saw us a-raspin' down the
turnpike as though we were ridin' in a four-
hoss chariot, and saw Kate Rykert's great
swad of blonde har a-streamin' out behind,
like the tail of a comet, he couldn't contain his
feelin's nohow.
“He gin a rousin' whoop like a Chilchat
Indian when he sights a fur hunter. Throwin'
away the pitchfork—which accidently har-
pooned the old lady in the back, who was rakin'
behind—and jumpin' from the load, he took
across the field to'ards the turnpike, swingin'
his old straw hat and hollerin':-
“Go it, Dudley; go it! keep the hoss up
with the rat-tail mare, and I'll bet my farm
you'll make Grab Corners fust l’
“This made me feel pooty good, for the
mare was the one I had some fears about.
2OO CHILDREN OF NO ACCOUNT.
“But you ought to see how it affected Abe;
he commenced to slash his hosses and swar
like an ox teamster when his cart is stuck hub
deep in the mud. _-----sº *
“Finally the off-horse broke, and there was
a sort of irregular upheaval among 'em for a
while, as though they were steppin' on broken
cakes of ice; one would be gwine down while
'tother was a-comin' up.
“Abe tried to bring 'em down to their work
agin, and in the meantime I kind of cork-
screwed ahead and swung into the centre of
the road in advance of him. Then I began to
feel somethin’ like a feller what holds the win-
nin' cards, and sees the other chaps a-pilin' up
the coin on their inferior pasteboards. But I
see some young half-breeds a-squattin' around
on the road about a quarter of a mile ahead,
and knowed at the rate we war travellin' we'd
be on top of 'em before they'd see us if I didn't
haul up. *
- “So I ses to Kate, “See them plag'y brats
ahead of us thar! what hed we better do aboutit?’
THE WHOLE VILLAGE TURN OUT. 2O I
“‘Run over the centipedes,’ ses she. ‘Abe
ain't a gwine to slack up for 'em,' and she
cuddled closer to me, so the jolt would’nt hist
her out.
“I shouted two or three times, but they were
too busy with their mud pies, I reckon, to take
any notice, and Abe was makin' no signs of
haulin' up. I did my best to sheer round 'em,
and kept right on for the Corners.
“I heered 'em scream as we went a-whirlin’
on, but reckon it was more through fright than
injury. -
“Abe had lost his grippin's. He couldn't
overhaul me ag’in, nohow, and I gradually
crawled away from him, if he did his pootiest.
“The whole village seemed to be out to the
bridge to see what was comin.’
“They see the dust risin' when we were
more'n a mile away, and they allowed the
greatest run-away was a-comin' down the turn-
pike that had happened since Bull Run, and
were out thar speculatin' as to whose family
was in danger.
2O2 A BLESSED RELIEF.
“But when they see it was a race, and
recognized me, you ought to see the scatterin'
amongst 'em. You'd think a hull menagery
had broken loose and was comin' for 'em.
“Ole Pelvy, the shoemaker, was a-settin' on
the railin' of the bridge; but jest as I crossed
it, the crowd hoorayed, and jostled him off.
He hung over the railin' by one leg, with his
body swayin' below, and him a-hollerin' like a
good feller, and signalin' for help, but the
crowd were so taken up with the race, and
were cheerin’ and swingin' of their hats con-
tinewally, that they never knowed anythin'.
about his position. s
“Pooty soon his leg slipped over, and then-
he went, end over end, more'n twenty-five feet,
into the river, and was carried over the falls
before anybody missed him. Arter that people
weren't troubled so much with corns around
Grab Corners, for though he's dead now, I'll say
it of him, he was the wust shoemaker that ever
shoved an awl into a hide. §
“I druv up to the hotel, and had jest got
CURING PEOPLE'S CORNS.

2O4. FIRST IN.
Tº
through helpin' Kate out, when up come Abe,
with his hosses hobblin’ as if they had picked
11p a twenty-penny nail in every hoof
“They looked somewhat as if they had bin
swimmin' in a soap vat.
“Abe was very much of a man, though, arter
all. His hosses, I reckon, had never bin passed
before, but he didn't bluster nor git mad about
it, neither, though it must have been pooty
tryin' to him.
“‘By the Witch of Endor's long eye-tooth,”
he cried, as he jumped from the buggy, ‘you
did it Jim ; and you did it fair. Only I kinder
think you swung in ahead of me a leetle too
quick back thar where that crazy old whipper-
in hollered so.’
“‘No, Abe, ses I, ‘I didn't take an inch o'
turnpike till I was entitled to it.’
“‘Wal, ses he, as he came round to look at
my animals, that were standin' thar seemingly
as cool as a brace of toads in a celler, “I’ll be
shot if them hosses of yourn ain't somethin'
like the widder Tappan's boarders. The speed
RATE GETS HER BONNET. 205
they show in gettin' away with anythin' was
most surprisin'.' ---
“So Kate Rykert got the bonnet and boots,
and I gin her a new dress to go with them, and
if we didn't shine out some the next week down
to Crow Bend, then thar ain't no use talkin'
about it that's all.”
A TRIP ACROSS THE BAY.
TOOK a trip across the water this after-
noon. The bay was so rough the ferry-
boat could scarcely make her trips. The
passengers were nearly all sea-sick, and, elbow
to elbow, leaned over the side of the vessel.
One gentleman, while gazing into the sea, lost
his hat overboard, but he was so taken up with
internal affairs that he cared little for outward
appearances, as one could readily observe.
I reached my destination, and was convinced
that all the sorrows are not on the sea. I saw
a poor old woman thrown into terrible disorder
by a kick from the cow she was milking in her
own yard. Judging by the quantity of milk
lying around loose, she must have been nearly
(206) f
THE SEA-SICK MAN. 2O7
through her task, and was probably in the very
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when the spiteful animal gave the pail a hoist






2O8 - A DISCOMFITED MILK-MAID.
completely over the woman's head, like a huge
helmet, while the lacteal fluid ran down her
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efforts to remove it.
As I looked back, I could see her groping





STRUGGLING GENIUS, 2O9
toward the house, her visage still concealed in
the blue bucket. She did look odd enough, as
she felt her way up the steps, decorated with
that novel head-dress.
There is a youth in this suburban town who
SKETCHING FROM NATURE,
bids fair to be a second Landseer. As I passed
his father's residence, I saw the young aspirant
at work sketching from nature.
He had the foot of a little cur fast in the
jaws of a steel-trap staked in the orchard.
The artist sat at a short distance sketching the

I4.
2 IO A ROUGHER TIME.
poor beast, as it stood on three legs gazing
at the heavens and crying piteously. He was
eagerly striving to get the expression of pain
upon the dog's face, and by the grin upon his
own countenance I judged he was succeed-
ing.
There was something in the pair that re-
minded me of Parrhasius and the Captive; and
being in somewhat of a sketching mood myself
at the time, I produced my book and pencil,
and leaning over the fence, sketched the painter
and his howling model.
On my way back to the city the bay seemed
even rougher than in the morning. There was
hardly a passenger on board the ferry-boat but
showed symptoms of trouble. Although most
of them would have been excellent subjects for
the artist of a comic pictorial, my attention was
specially directed towards an elderly lady, who
sat with folded arms, the elbows resting upon
her knees, and a most woe-begone expression
upon her wrinkled visage. Some passengers
who were sick were able partly to conceal their
AN OBJECT OF PITY. 2 II
emotions; she was not; every muscle of her
face betrayed her. She was sick and couldn't
help but show it.
so SICK I
If any individual amongst that crowd of dis-
quieted passengers knocked louder at the door

2I 2 A LOUDER CALL FOR SYMPATHY.
of human sympathy than did the old lady re-
ferred to, it was unmistakably that woman who
was sick and had to show it at the vessel's rail.
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AT THE RAIL,





THE POISONED PET.
T was my good fortune the other day to
attend a picnic in the country. A lady
friend insisted on tacking her pet boy to
me on that occasion. As she couldn't go her-
self, she wanted me to have an eye to “son-
ney,” and see that he didn't come in contact
with poison-oak. She assured me he was a
good boy and would mind me as if I was his
father | I didn't pine for the pet's company,
but could not very well refuse her request.
So he went with me.
I very soon found out he was one of those
smart children who, by a strange freak of
nature, are placed in possession of an impu-
dence that prompts them to believe they know
- (213)
2I4 HAVING CHARGE OF A GOOD BOY,
more at the age of eight than your average
adult.
My will and his wishes soon clashed.
Then the thought entered my head that his
mother misrepresented “sonney's" obedient
nature. “If this is the obedience that an off.
spring manifests to a father,” I mentally mur-
mured, “it were better to be destitute of the
offspring.” The boy sauced me. He even
went so far as to call me names anything but
flattering, while I was sitting in the presence of
a young lady I most ardently adored. “Go on,
sonney!” I said to myself savagely, “go on,
precocious youth, there are no raging bears in
this suburban park to tear the flesh from the
bones of mouthy children who ‘sauce' their
betters, as did the animals in the days of
prophets; but nature in other ways has made
provision for such as you, and has sprinkled a
few shrubs around here that can pile the flesh
onto a person's bones to an alarming degree,
if they get a fair chance.”
After that I paid no attention to him. He
AN EXPRESSIVE FACE.
2I 6.
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ran at will, browsed through the vines like a
hungry deer, and burrowed into the very heart
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HAVING A QUIET TIME.
of the poison-oak and ivy, with as little fear as
a quail retiring to roost.
He enjoyed himself
immensely; so he informed me in the evening.
















2I 6 DEAF AND BLIND.
I am glad he did, for he is having a quiet time
of it now. I saw him this morning, and his
face was as full of expression as a Christmas
pudding new rolled from the cloth. I think my
lady friend will not be over-anxious to appoint
me guardian over her dutiful son at another
picnic. In the interests of art I have made a
sketch of “sonney” as he appeared this morn-
ing, striving to recognize me by my voice,
which he failed to do, however, being deaf as
he was blind. ---
SEEKING FOR A WIFE,
ND it came to pass about the year one
thousand eight hundred and seventy-
three, being in the autumn, when the
new wine was oozing from the press, and the
corn was hardening in the crib, a bachelor, a
farmer of great possessions, dwelling in the
valley of Berryessa, bent above his resting
plow, and thus communed with himself:-
“My stacks are builded, my wine is dripping
from the press, the ripe ears are garnered in
my cribs, my flocks and herds feed fat upon
the hills; and yet, because of my loneliness,
am I unhappy.
“I will arise at eve and repair to my neigh-
bor's cottage. Peradventure the aged widow
of the murdered gypsy can counsel me.”
(217)
2 I 8 SEEKING ADVICE.
So when the evening hour was come, the
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farmer arose and sought the aged widow's
abode.






















































































































CONFIDENTIAL CONVERSE. 219
And as he drew nigh to the cottage, he
lifted up his eyes and, behold ! the crone sat
upon her doorstep.
And when the dame looked upon the farmer
she knew his heart was troubled; but she knew
not the cause.
So, lifting up her voice, she cried, inquiringly:
“What aileth my neighbor P Has ought befel
thy goods? Has bruin descended from the
mountains to worry thy flocks 2 Or, are thy
stacks consumed 2 that thus you droop your
eyelids to the path, and move as by a hearse.”
And the farmer, drawing nigh, replied: “My
flocks unharmed graze sleek upon the hills; my
stacks stand unconsumed; yet is my spirit
heavy, because my walks are lonely and my
heart is sad, and I come as one seeking coun.
sel.”
Then answered the dame reprovingly: “Out
upon thee, for a fusty, dreamy bachelor Go
take to thyself a wife; then will thy walks be
no more lonely, neither will thy heart be sad.”
But he, answering her sorrowfully, said:
22O_- MONEY MAKES THE MARE GO.
“Mock me not, good madam, but look with.
pitying eyes upon me, and hearken to my
voice.
“Behold, I am now well stricken in years, my
body is stooping to the grave, my manners,
like my hands, are rough ; my blood, like my
hair, is thin; and my teeth but shine in memo-
ries of the past.
“How, then, can I win maidens' hearts 2
Alas! on the contrary, they would giggling flee
from before me; no hope for me remains; if I
would wed, I needs must wed a squaw ” And
his countenance fell.
Then was the crone exceedingly displeased,
because he said, “I needs must wed a squaw,”
and she answered him derisively, saying:—
“Go to Ye speak as with the beak of a
parrot, and with the understanding of a babel
Are ye studied in books and know not the
proverb, ‘A golden snare will catch the wildest
hare P’
“Do not your stacks dot the vale below Siks
an Egyptian camp 2 Are not your tanks brim-
THE CRONE'S ADVICE. 22 I
ming with wine and your cribs grinning with
corn ? -
“Do not your cattle graze upon an hundred
hills 2 and your industrious laborers follow in
the furrow? And are ye still afeared? Oh ye
of doubting mind
“Go, get thee to thy chest and take to thy-
self suitable coin, and hasten to that great city
by the sea—whose churches point to heaven,
but whose people bow to gold.
... “There sojourn for a season, and make no
delay in adorning thyself with precious stones.
“Put diamonds upon thy bosom and rings
upon thy fingers, and be zealous to stand in
the hall-ways and in the market-places, and in
the houses of exchange.
“Seek to be observed of the people, and
take heed that ye look upon all men as being
thy servants.
“And let thy wealth be noised abroad.
“Then shall rise up in the house of mourning
the widow of a month, and dry her weeping
eyes.
222 HE TAKES AN EARLY START.
“Then shall the maid of many summers lay
aside her pets, to readjust her charms, and dis-
inter her smiles.
“Then shall the doting damsel, when her
parent maketh fast the door, creep out some
other way.
“And they all shall come, trooping as with
the voice of birds to court thy smiles and thy
manners, and thy years shall be as the silk of
the spider in thy way.” *
Then was he exceedingly glad because of the
crone's advice, and he went away to his own
home rejoicing.
And on the morrow he arose before it was
yet day, and saddled his mule, and journeyed
to the great city by the sea, and lodged at the
house of a friend.
* And he made haste to purchase diamonds,
and rubies, and emeralds, and onyx-stones, and
Sapphires, and put massive rings upon his
fingers, and seals upon his chain.
And even as the crone had directed, he
scrupled not to stand in the hall-ways, and in
&\TTENDING TO BUSINESS,
- (223)

224 A NIBBLE AT THE BAIT.
the market-places, and in the houses of ex-
change, and sought to be observed of the
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people, and lived as a man having great pos-
*
sessions.

AN ENTICING TALE. 225
And not many days after, a fair lady of that
place, looking from her window, saw that the
stranger shone like the mid-day sun, even so
much that her heart was warmed.
So she called the keeper of the house aside,
and questioned him concerning the stranger,
saying:—
“Who is this stranger that lodgeth in thy
house, who beameth with jewels like the noon-
day Sun ? Make him known to me, for he is a
choice and goodly man, and my heart warmeth
for the stranger.”
Then answered the good man of the house,
“He is a sojourner from the valley of Berry-
essa, and lo! he is a man of great possessions;
and, moreover, take heed if he cometh in your
way, that ye smile graciously upon him, for be
it known unto you he is a bachelor, who
cometh amongst us seeking a wife.”
Then was the damsel exceedingly moved.
And when it came to pass that the stranger
was introduced to her, she smiled graciously
upon him, and she opened her mouth and
i5
&
226 HAPPILY WEDDED.
spake knowingly of barley, and of rye, and of
corn in the ear, and of tares.
And she also spake of four-footed beasts, of
calves, of pigs, and of goats, and cattle after
their kind; and of fowls; of doves, and of
ducks, and of geese, and poultry after their
kind.
And lo! the farmer's heart was touched, for
she was comely to look upon, and wise
withal.
And he communed within himself, saying:
“Surely this maid would indeed be a great
catch, she would make her husband's home
cheerful, and in divers ways pluck from the
palm of life the festering thorns. Beshrew me,
but I will lay strong siege to the damsel's
heart.”
So he made haste to pull wide open the
mouth of his purse and loaded her with
presents, for the damsel had found favor in his
eyes, and he sought to win her.
And not many days after he espoused the
maiden, and there was great feasting and
WEDDED BLISS. 227
merry-making at that house, and the same was"
heard of the neighbors.
And on the following day the farmer took
her to his own home, in the valley of Berry.
essa, and they lived happily together for the
space of many years.
THE ART GALLERY.
EARING that a large collection of paint-
ings were on exhibition at the Art Gal-
lery, I visited the rooms this afternoon,
and was agreeably surprised to discover that
quite a number were by eminent artists.
It is pleasant to gaze upon an old picture
that has come down through the dust of ages,
so I made it a point to employ the hour-at my
disposal in sketching several subjects most
admired by the visitors. I did not learn the
author of the large picture from which the first
of my sketches was taken, but was assured that
it came from the hand of an old master.
I would have thought it a representation of
* Cleopatra before Caesar,” if the female had
(228)
THE OLD MASTERS. 229
been running toward the man instead of away
from him.
A gentleman present, who examined the
painting closely, gave it as his opinion that the
couple represented “Tarquin and Lucrece.”
FROM A PAINTING BY AN OLD MASTERs
He informed me he had visited many art
galleries of the Old World, and found several
paintings which had been copied from this
masterpiece by artists, who paid homage to suc'.
creative genius.
As he claimed to be something of a connois-

23O ADMIRING A GEM.
seur, his supposition was probably a correct one,
though he was not able to thoroughly account
for the singular-looking bonnet that shadowed
the head of the prancing “Lucrece.”
It is certainly anything but a Roman head-
dress, and why it should be dangling from her
royal top is something for critics to comment
on and antiquarians to inquire into.
Another little sketch attracted great atten-
tion, especially from the ladies, whose love for
the beautiful is only excelled by their love for
the good. It was entitled “Love's Young
Dream.” I regret I am not able to give the
artist's name. I could not get near enough to
decipher the signature, owing to the crowd of
ladies admiring the beautiful gem.
The members of the Graphic Club were
sketching. Accepting an invitation from one, I
stepped into their room to see them draw.
Quite a number of artists were present. The
famous marine painter was there, who loves to
paint the vessel going before the wind, when in
its might it takes “the ruffian billows by the
THE GRAPHIC CLUB. 231
top.” It was pleasant to watch his pencil pile
up the “yeasty waves” at will.
It was also interesting to lean over the land-
* Love’s YOUNG DREAM.”
scape painter's shoulder and see the branches
sprout from his grand old oaks, against whose
trunks it would seem the storms of centuries
had spent their force.

3.32 DEVELOPING ANIMALS.
It was no less pleasant or interesting to per-
ceive the horns shoot from the animal painter's
cows. As the creature grows under his active
pencil, we may be inclined to think she will be
of the Mooley species, and never shake a gory
horn above a prostrate victim ; but alas! a few
hasty but well-directed strokes, and she stands
forth more formidable than the armed rhi-
noceros or rampant unicorn. Then we hold
our breath, as we see the pencil slide away to
some other locality before a tail is attached to
the body, and inwardly wonder whether the
artist has forgotten to bestow upon her that
graceful adjunct, or is intentionally giving us a
new species of cattle. We heave a sigh of
relief when the pencil returns, after a brief
skirmish along the ribs, to bestow upon the
cow that terminal appendage, at once a scourge
for milk-maids and a swing for dogs.
RIDING IN THE STREET CARS,
A chiel's amang ye takin’ notes,
And faith he’ll prent it.
—A£47%.S.
HE greater portion of this day I have
spent riding in the street cars. I find it
is quite a pleasant way of passing a few
leisure hours. Neither is it an extravagant way
of entertaining one's self.
On figuring up, I find, by choosing the
longest routes, it cost just seven and one-
quarter cents per hour. This is certainly
reasonable. i
There is always something amusing to look
at as you pass along. There stands the ner-
vous old lady upon the street corner. She
wishes to ride, and endeavors to signal the
(233)
234. HAILING THE CAR.
driver and prepare for embarking at one and
the same time. She proves the truth of the
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old saying that a person may get too many
irons in the fire. In her eagerness to attract
the attention of the driver or conductor, she is










STUDYING THE FASHIONS. 235
not aware that in lifting her skirts she has ele-
vated one or two thicknesses more than she
intended, or than is at all necessary. Poor old
lady l She does, indeed, present a picture that
might well attract the artistic eye. We in
more becoming order turn our eyes from the
singular spectacle and study the advertisements
ranged around for our special benefit. She
emits a short, quick cry, half whoop and half
squeal, and signals repeatedly, to do which the
inevitable umbrella is brought into requisition,
and flourished around her head as though she
was warding off a detachment of aggressive
wasps. She gives the conductor a look of
surprise, if not anger, because he completes
the curve before stopping to take her up.
The old lady means business, and has never
got it through her head that conductors have
rights which she is bound to respect. She
no doubt believes that on all occasions and
at all times he ought to seize the strap and
stop the car as suddenly as he would a clock
by grasping the pendulum.
236 QUITE OBLIVIOUS.
. Then there are the fashions, which we car.
study without having to pay exorbitant prices
for seats in the theatres. It is even better
than to go to a fashionable church.
A, Besides the advantages which a ride in the
street cars offers us in the way of studying
the fashions, we often see strange sights, well
calculated to awaken humor. There, for in-
stance, we encounter the sleepy passenger,
who, in charity let us hope, is drowsy through
loss of rest, rather than loss of reason | Let
us hope he is some physician who has been
attending to his patients; or a minister of
the gospel who has spent the night by the
bedside of some sinking penitent; or a super-
visor, who—while his constituents have been
snugly dreaming away their troubles—has
been legislating, and growing hoarse declaim-
ing for the public good. Doctor or supervisor,
- as the case may be, it is evident he is sleepy, and
cares not who knows it. Otherwise, he would
pick up his hat, which has fallen off, before it has
237
it is in motion.
TOO NEIGHBORLY.
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Wit
the direction of some old lady, who apparently
hates men, especially when excessive dro

238 | THE BOLD OFFICER.
ness makes them familiar. He, however, is
oblivious of her likes or dislikes, even of her
presence, it would seem.
He bobs towards her until his dishevelled
fore-lock actually tickles her under the ear,
which sensation causes her to start suddenly,
and look around so quickly, that a person must
think the movement gave her a crick in the
neck, and her subsequent rubbing of the cords
below the ear would seem to bear out the
supposition as correct.
Then, as we ride along, we can see the bold
policeman standing by the corner of a build-
ing. He is earnestly looking down a narrow
lane, taking notes perhaps; but more likely
watching the progress of a fight, and wisely
waiting until all the pistols are discharged
before venturing to arrest any of the belligerent
parties. He looks as though it would not take
much longer reflection or many more shots to
make him forego that duty in toto, and turn
around to arrest the poor Chinese vegetable
peddler, who, with his basket pole upon his
KNOWS A GAME WORTH TWO OF IT. 239
shoulder, is trotting along upon the sidewalk,
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SNIFFING THE BATTLE FROM AFAR.
and thereby violating one of the city ordinances.
While hustling the prisoner to the station


24O TASTES DIFFER.
house he would escape performing more t , ,
pleasant and risky business. t
He is in the right of it, too, when a person
comes right down to reason the case. The
policeman may have a family depending on him
for support. Or it may be upon the very
stroke of the hour when his duty for the day will
cease, and he can saunter to his home, leaving
his successor to rush in and stay the slaughter.
It may be argued that the policeman is paid
to take prisoners, and consequently to take
chances. This is true, but he is not paid to
commit suicide. For a broad man like him to
move down a narrow lane, up which the bullets
are whistling, can hardly be considered any-
thing short of it. : Oh! he is a cunning fellow I
tell you, and revolves the matter carefully in
his mind before taking action. --
He has been too long a resident of the city,
and too long a member of the “star brigade,”
not to know that the city can better afford to
lose two or three indifferent citizens than it can
one able and efficient policeman.
SITS DOWN TO THINK IT OVER. 24E.
We turn from the policeman to contemplate:
the blooming blonde, who comes bouncing in
with her poodle dog in her arms.
After she is seated she amuses some of the
passengers and displeases more, by the affec-
tionate names she lavishes upon the little
watery-eyed pet in her lap. Some of the pas-
sengers would doubtless like to be the dog, and
others would like to be a distemper that they
might legally kill the cur. She temporarily
ends her caresses by repeatedly kissing its cold
peaked nose, to the infinite disgust of the ma-
jority of the passengers, who, rather than
witness a repetition of the silly act, look out of
the windows and become suddenly interested
in the construction of the buildings or fences
along the route.
And then there is the impatient passenger,
who is either limited in time or sense, probably
in both.
He foolishly attempts to leave the car
while it is in motion, in order to save a few
moments. Immediately afterwards he wishes
I6
242 A ROUGH SEAT.
he hadn't, and sits down with considerable
feeling to think over his rashness. There was
a time, no doubt, when he could jump on and
ALIGHTING GRACEFULLY.
off a car like a newsboy; but that time has evi-
dently gone by. 4-
When we consider the roughness of his seat
and the unexpected manner in which he setted
on it, we have to acknowledge that he sits wºh

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME. 243
considerable grace. However, as he has lost
time instead of gaining it, by the action, he will
perhaps try to catch a better hold of the old
rascal's forelock the next time he is running
past hirò.
THE VALUE OF A COLLAR.
EAR me ! what a terrible dodging life the
poor city cur leads, to be sure, whose
owner does not consider him of suffi-
cient importance to warrant taking out a
license. His excursions must necessarily be
limited.
He never dares to bark in the daytime, and
now I think of it, that may account for his
howling all night. To bark between the hours
of seven in the morning and six in the evening
would be equivalent to running his head into
the pound-keeper's lariat. He knows it, too,
the rascal, and hardly indulges in a yelp, even
if his tail is trod upon. I have always noticed
that the eyes of the cur that wears no collar—
(244)
z'HE PROTRUSION ACCOUNTED FOR. 245.
(which would entitle him to the freedom of the
city)—protrude from the sockets much farther
than the optics in the head of the licensed
animal. I have noticed this fact and pondered
over it, striving not a little to arrive at some
satisfactory conclusion in regard to the matter.
It may be that this strange protrusion is
brought about by the continual strain while on
the lookout for the pound-keeper or his sneak-
ing aids.
Another peculiarity about the unlicensed cur,
—his eyes are invariably the color of tobaccor
juice. “Why are they so?” you probably in-
quire. Be patient, and I will tell you. It is
the result of the burning envy continually agi-
tating his breast and adding a bloodier lustre
to his orbs. *
How must envy consume his very vitals
when he beholds his younger brother, perhaps,
trotting forth into the street, his neck encircled
with the leather zone that insures him respect
and immunity from assault; while he must
cower behind the ash barrel, and wait for night
*~.
246 UNJUST DISCRIMINATION.
to temporarily shield him from insult and
injury. • ?
The old adage is hardly applicable to his
case. He has no day, but he has his night,
No COLLAR, NO CRUMBS.
ł
however, and he would be a fool not to make l
the most of it.
How trifling a thing will draw the line be-
, tween him and his licensed brother. One

3A & EXA.KTNESS #'GR HUMAN FLESH. 247
white foot, perhaps, a spot too many on the
head, or want of one above the tail, may have
cursed him through the length and breadth of
his existence. If he lives, it must be by his
wits. Every man's hand or boot seems to be
against him. The licensed dog can stretch
Bazily upon the sidewalk and oblige the pedes-
trians to go around him rather than take the
£hances of stepping over, or stirring him up
with a kick. *
It is dangerous business, this waking up a
dog with your boot. You may take him in a
time when not in the mood for permitting such
familiar demonstrations. .
Perhaps he may be hungry, and, since the
dogs devoured poor painted Jezebel, their
weakness for human flesh will occasionally
make itself manifest. I, who have been thrice
vaccinated by a canine tooth (and it took each
time, too), speak knowingly on this subject.
Now, as I gaze out upon the street, I mark
the slow approach of the pound-keeper's dingy
cart. Ever and anon it comes to a sudden halt,
248 AN EXALTED POSITION.
and skirmishers are deployed on each side to
search the alley-ways and lanes along the
route. Hark! what cry is this that comes
4uavering forth from that shaky prison 2 A
bark 2 No, never a bark, but a quavering bleat
from the pale lips of a poor old goat. Alas !
poor goat.
It, too, was evidently straying about unlaw-
fully, in some one's garden, perhaps, or strip-
ping the posters off the fence before the paste
was dry, or the bill-sticker a block away, and in
consequence he is now occupying a position
that, however exalted it may be in one sense,
makes him feel very ill at ease all the same.
His fellow-prisoners are dogs of every breed
under the sun. -
There is no discrimination in that moving
prison, no separate cells. The full blood setter .
pup fares no better than the worthless poodle
that couldn't smell a quail a yard distant unless
it was roasting. The big, sour, surly mastiff,
with bloodshot eyes and pendent jowl, who long
has been the acknowledged champion of a block,
ALL FARE ALIKE. 249
and in his day lacerated many a paw, hasn't
even a growl to offer, but crouches side by side
with the poor maimed and mongrel cur that for
years has been racking through life on three
legs. -
Still the dismal-looking cart jolts along,
attracting the attention of the passing crowds.
Still the villanous-looking aids, who flank the
vehicle, trail their ready lariats, and dart ex-
ploring glances into every nook and corner.
And, as I gaze, I marvel to see how quickly the
outlaws get a knowledge of its approach, and
stand not upon the order of their going, but
precipitately leave for back yards and kitchens.
QUAINT EPITAPHS.
*
HILE strolling through an old cemetery
this afternoon I was surprised at the
number of quaint epitaphs there to
be found.
For a while I almost imagined myself rum-
maging among the old time-worn tombstones in
some English or Welsh burying-ground. Many
are written in verse, especially on the stones
erected during a certain period, extending over
about ten years, which proves that during these
years the city had a tombstone poet among her
citizens. - **
He was an odd genius, whoever he was,
this graveyard rhymer.
One peculiarity seems to have been his coup-
(250) -
HOW SMITH COOKED HIS GOOSE. 25 I
ling with the epitaph a brief account of the
manner in which the deceased party was taken
off. The first inscription which attracted my
notice as odd was chiseled upon a large marble
slab which leaned over the spot where a party
who had borne the ancient and honorable name
of “Smith ” rested from his labors. The obit.
uary ran thus:—
“Smith ran to catch his fatted hog,
And carried the knife around ;
He slipped and fell;
The hog is well,
But Smith is under ground.”
This stanza should be introduced into public
schools, and adopted as a morning chant, to
impress upon the mind of the pupils the im-
portance of a person's having his wits about
him. Death brought about by such gross care-
lessness as Smith showed is—to say the least
—first cousin to suicide, and doubtless there
will come a time when Smith's case will be
inquired into.
Under a large oak tree on the south side I
252 SHE HAD TO BE LED.
came upon a tombstone which bore no date,
but had evidently been erected many years.
The fence which once enclosed the grave had
nearly disappeared, nothing remaining except a .
few rotten stakes protruding through the grass.
What once had been a mound was now a hol-
low, which told the mute gazer decay had done
its worst.
Through a rank growth of weeds and briers
a few pale neglected flowers raised their deli-
cate faces, like virtue struggling heavenward
through the retarding throng inhabiting this
naughty world. ** *
The headstone was evidently erected before
the poet's day, and he who erected it had com-
posed the epitaph. It is more than likely he
chiseled it also, as the letters were ill-shaped and
irregular, and looked as though carved out with
a pick.
Here is a ſac-simile of the inscription:—
“Cynthy Ann is berried here.
Be easy with her,
Lord,
THE SLEEPING TAILOR. 253
And, you won’t lose nothin',
She was a plaguey good wife to me
But *
-She wouldn’t be druv.”
That “Cynthia Ann" had faults is evident
from the tone. But I thought, as I turned from
the spot, if her greatest fault lay in not allow-
ing herself to be “druv,” her prospects were
better than the average.
What a contrast was the line inscribed upon
a tombstone directly opposite:–
“He sleeps in Heaven.”
Mere speculation only, and wild at that. The
extravagant notion that a person sleeps in
Paradise must have emanated from the brain
of some sluggard, who thought that heaven
without sleep would be a wearisome place.
The “sleeper's" name was Gregg, and from a
representation of a pair of scissors cut upon the
slab I presumed he was a tailor. On making
inquiry of the sexton, busily engaged closing a
grave at the time, I found my supposition was
right, Gregg was a tailor, but met death as
254 THE SEXTON SPEAKS A PIECE.
the heels of a horse. To use the sexton's own
words, which were spoken in pure Greek—
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**
A TROUBLED WOMAN. 255
that planted him there. He was killed in the
barn beyant, while sthrivin' to pull the makins'
of a fish-line out of the tail of owld Gleason's
stallion.”
When a person learns what his occupation
had been, and how he died, the assertion that
he had gone to heaven strikes one as too ridic-
ulous for anything.
Not less amusing or quaint was the verse in-
scribed upon the plain marble slab which
marked the resting-place of Mr. and Mrs. Bar-
radier. The stone was probably put up by
some acquaintance of the deceased couple who
knew that their marriage had been anything
but a happy one ; the verse upon it also informs
the passer-by that they left no descendants to
perform that pious duty. It said—
“Released from worldly care and strife,
Here side and side lie man and wife;
And with the couple buried here
Expired the name of Barradier.”
THE CHAMPION MEAN MAN &
*mº-simmº,
WESTERDAY I came across a singular.
looking individual dressed in a greasy,
dingy suit. He was sitting on a log before
his door engaged in repairing a shovel-handle.
“Say, stranger." I said, addressing him, “can
you inform me where Deacon Shellbark lives?”
The farmer looked up, pushed his slouched
hat back on his head, and, after surveying me
some time in silence, drawled out:-
“Be you any relation of his'n P”
“No,” I replied, a little surprised at his man-
ner of answering; “I haven't a relative in the
State.”
“By thunder | I congratulate you upon your
good fortune,” he ejaculated, “particularly be-
(256)
HE IS OPPOSED To SCANDAL. 257
cause there's no tie of consan guinity existin'
atwixt you and old Deacon Shellbark. He's
expectin' a son home, and I thought you mout
be him.
“wal,” he continued, pointing with a huge
jack-knife that he held in his hand, “you see
that house to the left of them scrub oaks, don’t -
you? that ar buildin' with the leetle coopalow
on't? Wal, thar's whar old Deacon Shelbark
lives; the meanest man in this yer county, and
that's sayin' considerable, too ! cause we've
got some vicey-fisted customers round these
yer parts, men who scrape the puddin' pot
mighty clean before the dog gits a chance to
canvass it, now I can tell ye. But I feel safe in
stickin' in old Shellbark at the head, and I ain't
agwine to haul him down nuther. I don't be-
lieve in talkin' much about one's neighbors, but
Iginnerally tell strangers what sort of a man
he is, cause if they go to tradin' with him and
aren't on thar guard, he'll skin 'em quick-r
than a whirlpool sucks in a dead fish.”
. You know the deacon, then " I remarked,
258 A MEAN STEAL.
while the hope I had entertained of getting his
name on my subscription list began to take to
itself wings.
“Yes, I reckon I do know him,” he replied,
“pooty well, too; a great sight better than is
profitable to him, and he knows it. Oh, you
bet he knows it, and hates me as he does the
dry murrain that gin the crows fifteen of his
best cows last summer. I knowed him back in
Scrabble Town. -a <lf
“They wouldn't allow him to come within
pistol shot of a church back thar, because they
mor'n suspected he stole the wine and bread
from the communion table one day. They
were down on him flatter than a stone on a
cricket allers arterwards. He's a deacon out here
though, but that ain't nothin'. He can't fool
me with his prayin'. I want no sech crooked old
disciple as he is intercedin' for me, you know.”
“I was hoping he would subscribe for this
book,” I remarked, “but I am afraid there is
not much use of my going there if he is sc
very mean.”
A SOULLESS DEACON. 259
“Look'e here, stranger,” he remarked ear-
nestly, “you mout just as well stop thar whar
you're standin'. Subscribe He'll gig back
from a subscription list jest as he would from a
six-shooter.”
“Ah, but this is a religious work, and per-
haps he would lend that his support.” I an-
swered quickly.
“Religious work be shelved l’exclaimed the
farmer. “That doesn't help ye any; you can't
do anythin' with him, 'cause he hain't got no
more soul than an empty gin bottle. You
mout as well bait a rat trap with a cat's head,
and expect the varmin to go a-nibblin' at it, as
to expect him to put his name down to any-
thing that's agwine to take coin from his
pockets. ,
“You’re a stranger in these yer parts I see,
and tharfore haven't the slightest idea what a
towerin’ mean man he is; why he'd run a mile
to git on the sunny side of a feller to cheat
him out of his shadow ! I knowed him back in
old Indiany. He's from the same place that I
26o SLEEPY DOBY.
am, but you can kick me clear over them
SLEEPY DOBY,
foot-hills and back ag’in if I don't feel like
takin' pizin every time I have to own up to it.

SHELLBARK’s WEAKNESS. 264
He used to be in cahoot with a tanner back
thar named Doby; sleepy Doby, the boys
called him, for he was the sleepiest feller you
ever did see. Go asleep while workin' at any.
thin'. He would drop asleep sometimes while
scrapin' a hide, and cut the consarned thing all
into parin's ; at other times he would fall back
into the tan vat, then wake up and holler for
the boys to come and fish him out.
“They say he dropped asleep once while
ringin' a hog to prevent him from rootin' up
the clover patch. The minister of the village
had to pause in the middle of a sermon he was
preachin', half a block away, until the squealin’
subsided.
“But as I was gwine to tell ye, before the
rheumatism got into his j'ints, and made him
shun water as he would a tax-collector, old
Shellbark used to be pooty fond of fishin'. One
day Parson Bodfish was gwine off to have a
day's sport, and took me along to carry the
fish. I was only a boy then, and mighty tickled
because I could go. Jest about the time we
262 AN IRREPARABLE LOSS.
got to the river we overtook old Shellbark
a-pointin' thar too. When we got to the bank
they both set in gettin'-out thar hooks and lines,
and then for the first time old Shellbark found
out he had left his bait to hum. So he com-
menced to sputter and fret, takin' on terribly
about it, until Parson Bodfish ses to him,
‘That's all right; I reckon I've got enough
bart in this box for both of us, and I’ll give you
half of mine, and let us start in and make the
most of it.’ So the parson—who had a heart
the size of a sheep's head—took out his bait-
box and gin him more than half. It's so; I
seed 'em when he took 'em out. Pooty soon
arter, while the parson was a-standin' on a log
that horned out over the water, a-baitin' of his
hooks, a big-mouthed fish-hawk gin a-chatterin'
screech overhead, and startled him a leetle, and
while lookin' up he let his bait-box fall into the
river.
: “The box was open, so the worms war scat-
tered every which way, and away went box and
bait a-flukin’ down the rapids, and the parson's
MARVELLOUS GENEROSITY. 263
cusses follerin' arter. He did swar, by hunky
I heer'd him. He had a mi’ty hot temper, and
it was more than he could do sometimes to
keep it down. A feller couldn't blame him
much for swarin' jest then, 'cause 'twas a
pooty tryin' time. He turned around sort of
quick when he thought of me bein’ thar. I
seed him turnin', though, and let on to be
talkin' to a fish that I was stringin' on, so he
reckoned I hadn't noticed him. We hurried
on down the river, and arter a while overtook
old Shellbark, who was snakin, 'em out as fast
as he could fix bait and throw in.
“I lost all my worms back thar, while
standin' on a log,' ses the parson, “and * will
have to fall back on you for some.’ The old
snipe grumbled out somethin’ about bein’ out
of all patience with people who war so fool
careless. Arter a while he took out the rag he
kept the worms in, and although he had quite
a large knot of 'em, he gin the parson jest one,
and dead at that! It's so | You may laugh,
but I seed it. When he was a-pickin' it out
RESENTMENT REPRESS.E.D.
264.
and handin’ it to him, and when Parson Bodfish
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OPENING HIS HEART,
him, he lay thar and
1ntO
took it as e-a-S-y, and never squirmed or ob-
was a-stickin' the hook
*

MEANNESS REWARDED. 265
jected the least. You'd hev thought it was a
link of vermicelli the parson had picked ort of
a soup plate. -
“When Parson Bodfish took it from him, he
held it between his finger and thumb a while,
jest that way, and I swow I felt solid sure he was
agwine to slap it back into old Shellbark's
face.
“He didn't, though. But he did look as if
he'd like to, mi’ty well. He stood thar and
stared him in the face as if actewally in doubt
about his being the person he divided with in
the mornin'. Arter a while he baited his hook
and started in right thar. He had amazin' good
luck, too, with one bait. He hauled out four
floppin' great chubs, one right arter the other,
and durin’ the same time old Shellbark didn’t
*~. get a bite from anythin' but mosquiters. He
seemed jest tearin' mad over it, too, I can tell
you.
“He stood thar a-floppin' and a-scratchin'
and a-slingin' of his line out the full length,
tryin' on all sides continewally,but to no purpose.
266 HUNTING FOR BAIT.
, “At last, thinkin’ he had a fish when he didn't,
he switched up his line so spiteful it caught in a
tree-top more than fifteen feet above his head;
and while he was a-gawpin' up thar, jerkin' the
line, and stampin' round, he sot his foot flat onto
his string of fish that war lyin' thar on the
bank and squashed the in’ards out of nigh
every one of 'em. Between thar slipperiness
and his confusion, hurryin' to get off 'em before
they were sp’iled, he fell and slid down the
bank, head fust, a-clawin' and a-kickin' jest like
a skeer'd alligator. Only he chanced to strike
ag'inst an old root that was stickin' up at the
margin of the river, he'd have gone plum to the
bottom for sartain.
“Unfortunately the last fish Parson Bodfish
caught had swallered the bait, so he ses to me
kind of low, ‘Dolphus, let's see if we can't
skeer up a lizard, or somethin' that'll do for bait
when a man's in a pinch.” *
“So we set in to huntin' and s'archin' under
old logs and stones, and dead wild grass, but
couldn't get hold of anythin'. The parson fell
A PREMIUM ON CRICKETS. 267
three-times on all fours in the dirt, and gin his
wrist a mi’ty bad sprain while pursuin' a queer,
long-legg'd horned critter somethin' like a
cricket, only pizenous, I guess. I could have
caught it once, as it went drºnin' past, but didn't
feel like touchin' it. Finally it got stuck into a
clump of ferns, and he gin it up. So arter a
while he ses, “I’ll have to go back and try that
old Shellbark ag’in, though I'd ruther take a
dose o' ipecac than do it.’
“So we come back to whar he was fishin'.
He looked mity solemn, and was muddy as an
old stone boat. Ses the parson to him, ‘I’ll
have to call on you ag’in for another dead worm ;
the one you gin me is all gobbled up.' ‘.
“‘Seems to me you're mi’ty extravagint with
the bait,' he ses gruffly, and switchin' his line
around and slingin' it out far as the pole would
let it go, but not makin' the least motion to
comply with the parson's request.
“‘Waal, I don't know how that is,’ ses Parson
Bodfish, kind of easy like, and tryin' to keep
down his anger, that I seed was rizin' jest like
268 SHELLBARK AS A PHILOSOPHER.
bilin' sugar, ‘I nabbed four rousin' good fish
with that one bait. I reckon that's doin' pooty
well; fact I know it is. They seem to bite fust
rate at dead worms jest now.’
“‘Waal, I don't know anythin’ about that,’
ses the old narrow gauge, ‘s’posin' you cut up
some of your fish and see if you can't catch
somethin’ with that sort of bait; fish bite pooty
well at that sort of an offerin' jest before rain
they say.”
– “Then you ain't a gwine to give me any
worms?’ ses the parson, in a husky voice, and
'shakin' like a rag in the wind, he was so chock
full of passion.
“‘Waal, this is a sort of curious world, Mr.
Bodfish,' ses old Shellbark, slow and niggardly
like, jest that way, ‘and without a feller looks
out for himself he ain't considered nothin.'
'Sides, you know,' he contin'ed, “fish-bait is a
good deal like an oyster or a bean—somethin'
that's mi’ty hard to divide with a feller,’ and he
commenced to troll along down stream.
“Apple sass and spinage I never did see a
ANGER RISING. 269
man so riled as that Parson Bodfish was sence I
could distinguish the moon from a lightnin' bug.
He changed to all the colors of the rainbow by
turns in less time than I’m tellin' ye. You never
seed sech a struggle between sin and piety as
raged inside that parson for about five minutes.
“Fust piety seemed to be gittin' on top, then
sin would choke her down and hold her thar.
At last he turned around and run full chisel
ahind the turned up roots of a big windfall as
though a gallon and a half of black hornets
war arter him. I reckoned he was gwine arter
stuns to gin the old feller a good peltin,' and
that kind of work bein’ right into my hand, I
ran thar too, cal’latin' to help him do it. But I
was mistaken'd.
“He wasn't gwine arter stuns, for I seed so
soon as he thought he was out of sight he
flopped down on his knees right thar in the
mud, a-holdin' his hands jined together above
his head jest that way. I allowed he was a
gwine to pray then for sartin, but he didn't
pray; no siree, not much pra'ar jest then he
t
27o BODFISH WITHDRAWS TO KNEEL,
sw'ar'd though. He did! I heered him, jest as
plain as could be. Ses he –
Ş Sł * Yº
§§§iyº.
º
º
tºº."
§§ §§
SWEARING TO GET EVEN.
“‘I sw'ar I'll git even yet with that old Shell-
bark, if I have to yank him out of his grave like
a body-snatcher, to accomplish it !'

SHELLBARK NOT SOLICITED. 271
“I felt like runnin’ thar and sayin', ‘Don’t rise
yet, let me kneel and sw'ar too,' the same as
that tricky feller does in the play whar he's
a-foolin' the jealous nigger so bad ; but I
knowed it wouldn't do, 'cause he didn't want
me to see him kneel thar in the mud. So when
he came back he found me peltin' a frog as if
nothin' had happened. *
“‘Come, Dolphus,’ ses he, “its gettin' pooty
late; I guess we mout as well be a-movin' back
home.’ So we turned back toward the village,
though 'twa'n't more than noon, and left old
Shellbark fishin' thar. He did git even with
him though.
“One Sunday soon arter Parson Bodfish
was’—(here the farmer was interrupted by a .
wild-looking female who stuck her frowzy head
out of an open window, like a turtle out of its
shell, and shouted, in anything but a sweet
voice:— *
“‘Dolphus you natural born talkin' machine
you ! what are yea-settin' a-pratin' and a-pratin’
about out thar 2 that old hog is in the gardin
272 “f RIP-HAMMER AT WORK.
ag’in, a-h’istin' the parsnips, and crunchin' 'em
like an old b'ar.’ -
“Consarn her spotted hide l’ he vociferated,
jumping up and grabbing a huge cudgel that
lay near by. “Jest you stop yer, stranger, for
about ten seconds, until I make that old swine
think thar's a trip-hammer got a foul of her,
then I'll tell ye how the parson got even.”—
“I couldn't stop to hear the story any way,”
I replied, “for I must be travelling. However,
I'll take your advice and give the deacon a
wide berth.”
As I descended the hill, the swine's wail was
ringing in my ears, and I judged the trip-ham-
mer was at work.
THE COBBLER'S END.
sºmºmºmºmºmº
LARGE crowd of people was standing in
and around a small shoemaker's shop on
Third Street, Elbowing my way to the
inner circle, I found the excitement was over a
man who had committed suicide. He was lying
upon the floor, his hands still grasping a shot-
gun, with which he had blown off the top of his
head. ri
I learned it was the shoemaker, and that he
had committed the rash act because the lady on
whom his affections were set had seen fit to
choose another for her partner. Worst of all,
it was a tailor who, to use a common expression
and one to the point, had cut him out. They
were both charmed with the comeliness of the
18 (273)
274 JNSPIRING SMILES.
young woman, and whenever an opportunity
offered, were in the habit of throwing sheep's
eyes in the direction of her apartment. The
lady seemed to grow more interested in the
situation, and even went so far as to smile
archly upon him.
The tailor, who had never received such a
compliment from so pretty a woman before, was
quite carried away with joy. He felt that his
love was returned, and from that moment the
world presented a different aspect. It was not
even a new picture in an old frame, or vice
versé, but was new throughout.
Even the old breeches on his lap seemed to
suddenly undergo a strange, metamorphosis.
The stout, rough material, over which he had
lately been bending with crippled fingers and
sprung needle, in the twinkling of an eye seemed
transformed into a golden fleece, through which
the waxed thread flew like chain-lightning
through a cotton umbrella. To have an inter-
view was now his only study, and where there's
a will there's a way.
QUICK COURTSHIP. 275
One day a small boy was pressed into service
and intrusted with a letter to the woman in
whom his whole heart seemed wrapped. She
received it safely, and duly by return of post
broke the delightful intelligence to the tailor that
his love was returned, and ended the epistle by
requesting him to call.
Hardly had “seeling night scarfed up the ten-
der eye of pitiful day,” when the tailor, with pal-
pitating heart, ascended the rickety stairs that
led to the apartment. How he was received
there is no knowing, but it is apparent to all
he soon ingratiated himself with the handsome
damsel, as the sequel shows.
The knight of the thimble and needle had
saved considerable money and was comely to
look upon, while she was both free and willing
to wed, so the courtship was a short one.
As it happened, the tailor had received an
offer from a business firm in the country that
day, and as delays were considered dangerous,
they decided to be married at once and start
for their new home. It chanced that neither
276 HASTY DEPARTURE.
the lover nor his fair inamorata were troubled
with enough luggage to require the services of
an express wagon, and it wasn't long before
Qºft Ø
º ºr.º.º.
- ºf 2.2.2 º
&%3%
A MOVING SCENE.
their traps were stuffed into sacks and bundles
ready for removal.
Talk about striking while the iron is hot: they
went ahead of the time-honored injunction, and
hammered the iron while it was yet in the fur-

THE FATAL ACT, 277
nace. The bat had hardly found his evening
meal before they were united and received the
congratulations of the officiating clergyman,
SHUFFLING OFF THE MORTAL COIL.
and, before Hesperus led her starry host down
to the western main, the happy pair might have
been seen bending under their respective bur-
dens, and moving rapidly down the thorough-
fare to catch the first train for the country.

278 THE BIRD HAS FLOWN.
Crispin soon discovered his handsome bird
had flown. This was too much for the poor
cobbler. He couldn't bear up under the weight,
and, having procured a shot-gun, soon ceased to
exist.
These facts I gleaned from a grocer who
lived near by, and who was acquainted with all
the parties. My mind was so disturbed by the
distressing event, I found it impossible to sleep
for hours after I reached my room. I started
in to recite a book of Paradise Lost, but it was
no go. I had Michael assaulting Satan with a
shoemaker's awl, instead of with his sword of
celestial temper. I then endeavored to run
over an act in Shakespeare, but met with no
better success. I had Othello blowing his head
off with a shot-gun, instead of stabbing himself
with a knife. Still, the terrible combination of
circumstances culminating in the death of the
poor cobbler crowded upon me in a saddening
train, and much-needed rest came not to my
relief until the following lines were composed
and set to music:-
NOVEL CEILING DECORATION, 279
“Oh, the sunshine of his life
Had become a tailor's wife,
Which was more than selfish heart could bear;
So he got his gun in haste,
In his mouth the muzzle placed,
Turned his eyes aloft as if in prayer;
On the trigger set his toes—
As the illustration shows—
Then up to the ceiling went his hair l’”
DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
AKING dinner to-day in a restaurant, i.
was in danger of being carried off by
cockroaches. . If I was inclined to draw
comparisons, I would say that in size the cock.
roaches I encountered in this place would com-
pare favorably with cupboard door buttons. I
had seen these troublesome insects on former
occasions when I thought they were numerous
—when they were as thick around the bread-
plate as bees around their hive in June. But I
had never been present when they turned out
in sufficient numbers to take and hold posses-
sion of everything upon the table, even to the
mustard-pot. To-day I witnessed such a spec-
tacle. I counted until I tired; their skelping to
(280)
THE COCKROACH BRIGADE. 28 I
and fro made the task painfully difficult, and
the effort was abandoned. They had evidently
been lying in ambush in the cruet stand from
the moment I sat down and gave my order, for
#º
§
sº
5.
BUMMERS ON THE RAID.
the ring of the plate as it struck the board
seemed to be the signal for a general advance.
They appeared in military ranks, moving
towards the dish in a semicircle, like a line of

282 NOT A GOOD DAY FOR COCKROACHES.
Fenian skirmishers advancing heroically upon
a turnip patch. There were no frost-nipped
fellows, with drooping horns and dragging
limbs, among those legions either. All were ac-
tive, square-shouldered customers, real thorough-
breds, wide, across the hips, and boasting a
depth of chest capable of enduring any amount
of running; while their long, formidable-look-
ing feelers stood out at right angles from their
heads, like the horns on a Mexican steer.
“During your natural life,” I commenced, ad-
dressing a waiter who stood near by, evidently
enjoying my surprise, “whether while officiating
as head steward on board of a floating palace
on the Mississippi, or serving as second cook
on a grain scow on the San Joaquin, did you
ever run across a place where the cockroaches
were one-ninetieth part as numerous as they
are in this restaurant?”
“Numerous?” he answered; “you should
be here a warm, sunshiny day, if you want to
see cockroaches, for then all the invalids are
out—those fellows who have had their move-
MAY CALL AGAIN. 283
ments across the table accelerated by a snap-
ping finger, or such as have only tasted the
poison scattered around for their benefit, or
those who have taken an overdose and throwed
it up again. These lie in cracks and cup-
boards, with stiffened joints and weak stom-
achs, when the weather is cold and cloudy;
but when a warm day comes, they are all
abroad and busy.”
“Well, I will bear that in mind,” I said, rising
from the table, “and when the next total eclipse
of the sun occurs, which, as I am informed, will
take place in about four hundred and thirty-
seven years, I may come into this restaurant
for another meal, and not until then,” and with
that I left.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
• - -ar-rºtºzºº
HE editor of a city paper having occasion
to take a trip into the country, prevailed
upon me to assume the responsibility of
answering letters from correspondents. The
task is an onerous one—the more so as the
editor, with that cunning ever noticeable in a
person who takes the cream of a job, left me to
reply only to the knottiest epistles. But I
will some time get even with him, however. I
will assume the editorial “we,” and should I
waken the wrath of any person, he will be the
sufferer. Here is a copy of my answer to
“Katie: ”— -- & “
“The minister was perfectly right in refusing
to marry the couple, if, as you say, the bride
(284) -
TMISTAKING POODLES. 285
insisted upon holding her poodle in her arms
during the ceremony. The more so as the
clergyman was near-sighted. He might possi-
bly mistake the puppy for the bridegroom.”
Another person accuses a correspondent of a
mis-statement. He says it was the editor of
the Farmer, and not the editor of the Examiner,
who planted the package of No. 16 homoeo-
pathic pills sent him from the country by a wag,
as the seeds of a Sandwich Island cabbage.
The old editor for weeks regularly watered
the plot where he sowed them; but as nothing
appeared, wrote to the country gentleman, in-
forming him that his seeds hadn't sprouted, and
he thought it likely they might have been taken
from a dead head.
“Amy” is all in a fluster about spirits. I
wili talk to her after this manner:—
“We have always considered spiritualism the
bluest carbuncle that ever festered upon the
neck of society. We care not if the spirits
were rapping around our table like a forty-
stamp mill, we would eat our regular allowance
286 EVIDENTLY LUNY.
with all the coolness that a Celestial manifests
when absorbing his birds'-nest soup. If your
bed dances a pas-Seul after you get into it at
night, there must be more than spirits around;
and you would do well to throw a boot-jack or
flat-iron under it before retiring. Such a pro-
ceeding might give you the satisfaction of hear-
ing the spirits yell blue murder.
“There is not much danger of your going
crazy, because, in plain terms, we consider you
to be luny already. The poor fellow in the
lunatic asylum who imagines Queen Victoria
has made a private residence of his nose, and
who has nearly blown both eyes out striving to
eject her, is hardly more so.”
I trust the editor will lose some hair over
that answer.
COURT-ROOM SCENES.
cºmmº
AM as full of law this evening as a sea-
shell of sound, having been wedged in the
District Court room from Io o'clock A. M. to
9 P.M., listening to testimony in the re-trial of the
case of the People vs. a fiery lady, if we may
use the expression, who brought down her game
the first shot.
Though the room was crowded almost to suf-
focation, I fancy there is not that deep interest
that was manifested during the former trial.
On that occasion there were so many letters
introduced in evidence, such a mass of private
correspondence dragged from musty trunks,
and laid open to the public, that thousands
flocked daily to the court room, in hopes of
(287)
288 ARGUMENT ON A Doubtful. POINT
hearing something rich, if not instructivº, I shall
never forget the excitement during the reading
of letter No. 947. It was from the defendant
The counsel for the defence argued a good
£º #:
.#-ſº
Rºº-º-º-º: “”º.ºz.
3ºzºº. Sº &
- ~~~~~ -
*-
…º. —w- -***-s .
A DRs)wsv JURY.
rouſ. ... hours and a half by the court-room
clock, against the letter being admitted in evi-
dence. He maintained it was irrelevant, as it
had never been opened, the receiver forgetting

INTENSE INTEREST. 289
to read it, or neglecting to do so, for some
reason of his own.
The counsel for the people followed with even
a longer appeal to the judge to admit the letter,
strengthening his argument by lengthy quota-
tions from Blackstone, Kent, Wharton, and
other authorities, endeavoring to prove it should
be put in evidence, as its contents might assist
materially in furthering the ends of justice.
The judge began to show unmistakable signs.
of impatience. He remarked that already a
package of letters had been read that would go
far towards shingling the Mechanics' Pavilion,
and had no more, bearing upon the point at
issue than “Darwin's Descent of Man" had
upon the culture of white beans. He finally
gave way before the preponderance of the
prosecuting attorney's argument, and directed
an officer to wake the jury, as a letter was to
be read that all should hear. After consider-
able shaking and poking, this difficult duty was
performed. Even the deaf juror was aroused,
though the good-natured judge had permitted
I9 --
29O A COLLAPSE.
him to sleep during the introduction of several
preceding epistles.
After order was restored, and an inventive
juror had improvised an ear trumpet with a
piece of legal cap for his unfortunate companion,
the billet douac was opened. As the seal was
broken, judge and jury rose to their feet with
one accord, and leaned as far forward as their
desks would allow, the more readily to catch
every word of the important document. The
silence in the room was death-like. It was sup-
posed that on the contents of this letter hung
either a scaffold or an acquittal. The weak tick-
ing of the dusty clock upon the wall was the
only sound that disturbed the awful stillness.
As the calm settled, the muffled beat of the
time-piece increased in force and volume until
it seemed to attain the tones of a fire bell.
Presently the attorney in a high and tremulous
voice began to read. The contents ran thus:–
MY DEAR, DELIGHTFUL DARLING:—How are my stocks
selling now P
Your Loving, Adoring L–.”
RETIRING IN DISGUST. 29 H
The effect was thrilling. The lawyer dropped
the letter upon the table before him, ran his
white fingers through his hair, and looked around
with the air of a tired traveler when he ascer-
tains he has walked five miles upon the wrong
road. The gentlemen of the jury, with looks
more of anger than of sorrow, dropped into
their seats as suddenly as though an invisible
hand had caught them from behind and jerked
them to their benches.
The Judge, with an ill-concealed look of dis-
gust, settled back into his chair, and the deep
crease in his vest, immediately over where his
dinner should have been hours before, grew
more painfully perceptible. }
I elbowed my way from the suffocating room
before further correspondence was selected from
the package for perusal.
A COUNTRY TOUR.
ESTERDAY I took a trip to a quiet coun-
try resort. On entering the town I was
surprised at the scarcity of men in the
place. There were plenty of women—fashion-
ably dressed and otherwise—to be seen in the
houses or gardens, but I rarely encountered
one of the male sex in my travels through the
streets. This, I at first supposed, was owing to
the number of gentlemen residing there who
carry on business in the city by the sea, and
are consequently in the latter place during the
day. I was informed, however, by the proprie-
tor of the hotel at which I stopped, that such
was not the case. He assured me it was
mainly owing to the fact that the County Court
(292) ---.
A NICE PLACE TO PROMENADE. 293 -
commenced that morning, and most of the
male inhabitants, as was their custom on such
occasions, had taken to the surrounding woods
and mountains to escape jury duty.
The place is beautifully situated between high
green hills, and said to possess the healthiest
climate of any town in the State. During the
summer months people flock there from all
parts of the country. Healthy people pay
high prices at the hotels for the privilege of
living there, and sickly people do likewise, for
the privilege of dying there.
The peculiarities of the town, and the dis-
tinctive manners and customs of the inhabit-
ants, have been ably described by a poet whose
effusions have not yet been translated into the
foreign languages. Following is a part of the
poem which bears directly on the town in
* question :-
“Here rest we now by sulphur well,
Where invalids and nurses dwell;
Where yelping dogs run through the street
Like wolves across a prairie wide,
2.94. A DISTURBING EPISODE.
And cattle wild as bison meet
You face to face, on every side;
With tails in air, and frothy nose,
And leveled horns, they round you close.
“Where people sit around the door,
In lazy groups of three or four,
And still their chronic thirst abate
With copious draughts of ‘Sulphur Straight.
j 7 y
There was quite an excitement in the town
before I left. A fire broke out in an ash barrel
situated in the rear yard of the house at which
I was stopping, and for a time threatened to
destroy the ashes. There is no estimating the
amount of damage the citizens might have suf-
fered if the fire had spread to a wash-tub that
stood close by, and which at the time contained
a portion of the town's washing. Business was
generally suspended, and stock in the insurance
companies went down immediately. The citi-
zens breathed more freely, however, when the
efficient and energetic Fire Department turned
out promptly as one man, and hastened to the
city water-works, situated on a slight eminence
in the centre of the town, and, turning on the
ENERGETIC ACTION. 295
water, succeeded in extinguishing the flames.
The only damage done was the partial burning
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THE FIRE DEPARTMENT,
of the barrel and the scorching of the wash-tub
and five dog-houses. The dogs were lying under
the kitchen stove at the time, and escaped injury.






CHRISTMAS EVE.
HRISTMAS EVE! I sit idly by my
* window, listening to the rapid patter of
the rain upon the shingles and the wild
whistle of the wind as it plays around the
gables, or draws weird music from the telegraph
wires stretched between the house tops, and
upon which dangles the ghost of many a
school-boy's kite. Christmas Eve 1 and I am
not yet invited out to dinner what can this.
mean Am I left to wither for want of at-
tention, like some poor shrub plucked from a
garden and planted in a graveyard? Well, let
it be so. Alone though I am, I nevertheless
enjoy myself hugely, and it requires consider-
able to enliven me now. There was a time.
(296)
HELPING HERSELF. 297.
when I could be moved to mirth by very little.
The desperate efforts of a one-legged grass-
hopper describing circles while endeavoring to
leap straight ahead, would amuse me for hours
together. But it is not so now; I turn from
such scenes to bury my eyes in the pages of
profound works, and it is meet and proper I
should.
For the last half hour I have been watching
an old washerwoman stealing, as I think, a
neighbor's wood. It is barely possible that she
is taking this method of paying herself for ser-
vices rendered at the tub. Be this as it may,
the wood is going. There is no mistake about
that. e *
It is interesting to me, as it furnishes food for
comment, and keeps the mind from lagging too
long around the saddening fact that Time is
writing lines upon my brow “with his antique
pen.” Besides it is holiday season, and though
I am not able to be charitable to a great de-
gree, I can at least afford to be indifferent in
this case.
298 TEARS SUPPRESSED.
The washerwoman is doubtless a hard-work-
ing and deserving old body, who perhaps has
sunk her whole week's earnings in a Christmas
turkey, that her children's hearts may be made
glad and their stomachs full ; and it would be a
great pity if it should be spoiled i' the cooking
for the want of fuel.
I waive the crime, and speak of the facts
from a disinterested stand-point. I have been
such a diligent scholar in the severe school of
experience, that I have learned to look upon
my own misfortunes lightly, and certainly can
behold—with an unmoistened eye—my neigh-
bor's choicest sticks noiselessly slipping into an
adjoining yard. Besides, my neighbor can
afford to lose a few. To make my position
good, I entrench myself behind the following
fact: To be in the fashion, he pays the price of
a good-sized farm for seats at the opera, where
the language is as foreign to his understanding
as South Sea Island gibberish. While he indiffer-
ently beholds such a wasteful running at the
bung, why should I assume the busybody's
REVENGE ENJOYED. 299
rôle and clap my finger on the dripping
spigot?
Besides, I saw his wife last evening with fully
four yards of expensive satin trailing in the
dust. It was my misfortune to be walking
directly behind her. As the crowd was press-
ing me onward, I was obliged to dance a sailor's
hornpipe around the hall, in order to keep from
treading upon her skirts. It needed not the
grins of lookers-on to assure me that I was
cutting a ridiculous figure.
I am now enjoying my revenge | Indirectly
though it comes, it is none the less sweet or
acceptable. On the contrary, it is rather more
gratifying, as it calls for no action on my part,
but simply to keep my mouth hermetically
sealed. The poet truly sings:—
“Time at last sets all things even.”
It has been in this case much quicker than I
expected. As the skinny white arm stretches
up out of the gloom of the washerwoman's
yard, and another billet shoots from the pile
3OO INVITED TO DINE.
and disappears like a star from the firmament
of heaven, I feel that a load is lifted from my
heart, and I am reaping revenge.
Stay ! what is this 2 a note, that all the even-
ing escaped my notice. Lo! an aroma issues
from it, sweet as Cytherea's breath ! It is an
invitation, as I live, to help dissect a Christmas
turkey | Sound the timbrel, beat the tom-tom.
*
I am not forgotten yet!
t
\
HEELS UP AND HEAD DOWN.
STOUT old gentleman was enjoying the
* luxury of a salt-water bath in the bay, a
short distance from where I was fishing.
As he was a poor swimmer—notwithstanding he
had a good supply of blubber—he attached a
couple of inflated air-bags to his shoulders, by
means of a string under his arm-pits. During
his splashing about, and his repeated endeavors
to strike out like Cassius bearing Caesar from
the troubled waters of the Tiber, the floats
changed their position from his shoulders to his
hips. This change he was not prepared for,
and the result was distressing in the extreme.
He immediately commenced sinking—as sailors
say—by the head. In vain would he make long
and desperate reaches toward the bottom, striv-
(301)
3O2 A QUEER FISH.
ing to anchor his feet in the soft sand. Just as
his toes would touch the bed below, the buoy-
ancy of the supports and under-current com-
bined would prevail against him.
Up would come his pedal extremities to the
surface, and consequently down he would go,
head first, like a pearl diver, grasping at the
pebbles beneath. After making a commotion
in the water like the screw of a tug boat, which
brought small crabs and craw-fish to the top
with dismembered limbs, he would manage to
get his head above water long enough to get a
mouthful of fresh air, but retire immediately
below to digest it. Some Italian fishermen,
running in from the offing with their day's
catch, sighted the old gentleman beating off the
Point. They mistook him for a “devil fish,” or
some other odd-looking inhabitant of the briny
deep, disporting itself in the sheltered waters
of the bay. Getting out their hooks and har-
poons ready for action, and changing course,
they bore down with all possible speed in the
direction of the singular monster.
A BATH-TUB AMPLE. 3O3
The wind was blowing quite fresh, and it
wasn't long until the Italians came nigh enough
to ascertain the real state of affairs, and rescue
the unfortunate swimmer from his perilous
situation. The fishermen rolled the old gentle-
man over a keg they had in the boat for half an
hour, before his stomach could be emptied of
its washy load and breathing rendered easy.
When sufficiently relieved to admit of speech,
the bather gave his rescuers to understand that
in future the tide might ebb and flow, be warm
as milk new drawn from the cow, and tranquil
as a frozen pond, but a common bath-tub would
be rivers, lakes—yea, oceans—to him during the
remainder of his natural life.
THE BITTER END.
HILE in one of the interior counties to-
day I stood beside the graves of six
members of one household. The
father and his five sons all fell in one sanguinary
family feud.
It seems an ill feeling had long existed be-
tween two families named respectively Frost
and Coates. Though they frequently indulged
in small skirmishes—from which black eyes,
bloody noses, or slit ears were the principal
trophies borne away—they had never met when
their full forces were under arms. And for the
happy hour that would bring about such a meet.
ing, each party looked forward with interest, if
not impatience.
*** ,
(3O4)
AN OLD FEUD. 395.
A day arrived at last, full of promise. It was
an election day. Each party expected the other
out in strength, with furbished arms, and pre-
pared themselves accordingly. They took ther
street, resolved, that— -
** Ere the bat had flown
. His cloistered flight: ere to black Hecate's summons
The shard-borne beetle, with his drowsy hums,
Had rung night's yawning peal, there would be done.
A deed of dreadful note.”
§
Two planets keep not their motion in one-
sphere, nor could two quarrelsome families
move long in a small village, or freely patronize
the same groggeries without a collision. To-
wards evening they met, some mounted and
more on foot, and from low jests amongst them-
selves respecting each other's lack of prowess
upon former occasions, the controversy soon
reached the point of positive contradictions. As
the “lie direct” is equivalent to a well-devel-
oped kick to your average fighting man, hostili-
ties soon commenced.
The Coates family opened the engagement
2üº
3O6 LIVELY TIMES,
with a brisk fusilade, and at the first fire the
gray-bearded patriarch of the Frost faction
went down with all his imperfections on his head.
The firing now became general. “From
rank to rank, the volleyed thunder flew.”
Neutral parties fled from the street, and for
a time transacted business with “closed doors.”
The report of the firearms frightened the horse
of a disinterested gentleman, who was riding
through the village, and despite his efforts to
control the animal, it dashed directly between
the belligerent parties. The fighting men, how-
ever, did not slacken fire on his account, but
blazed away without seeming to notice or care
whether the agitated stranger went down in the
general melee or not. Fortunately, the gentle-
man escaped injury, but it was certainly more
by chance than good guidance. It is said so
rapid was the fire that a steady blaze seemed
issuing from the muzzle of their weapons.
When the smoke of battle raised, five of the
Coates family were lying dead.
On the other side, Frost and one of his sons
SUSPICION BUT NOT PROOF. 3O7
were killed, and a son-in-law mortally wounded.
People say the funeral was a saddening specta-
cle. Amongst the mourners were mothers,
daughters, sisters and wives.
But the end was not yet.
Before the grass had taken root upon the
graves, the ground was again broken, and an-
other victim of the malignant feud was hidden
from the sight of friends and foes.
The fires of hate still smouldered, and within
a year another of the Coates family was put
hors du comebač, while going one night from the
village to his ranch.
He was seen leaving for home on horseback
at nine o'clock, but about ten his horse ran
masterless into the farm-yard. The man was
found lying by the roadside dead, a bullet having
passed through his head. Suspicion reverted
to the Frost family, but no proof could be
brought to establish their guilt. The public
finger still points toward them, however, and
doubtless will continue so to do for many a day,
or until the mystery is cleared up.
A TRIP TO THE INTERIOR.
FLYING trip into the interior has not fa-
vorably impressed me. There were too
many mosquitoes—too many graybacks.
Ht is too far from civilization, and too nigh the sun.
I stopped over night in a small city, and the
first thing that attracted my attention on enter-
ing the place was the pale and sickly look of
the inhabitants. This I attributed to the fever
and ague, the hot weather, and impure river
water which they drink. I was credibly in-
formed by several parties that their pallor was
owing to the quantity of blood that is nightly
extracted from their veins by the mosquitoes.
From the number of these pests infesting the
place, it has taken the name of “The Mosquito
City.”
(308)
THE FEROCIOUS MOSQUITO. 3Og
Those people who cannot indulge in such a
luxury as mosquito bars, have to sleep during
the day. They sit up nights and wage war
against their ferocious enemies with tobacco.
smoke, burning leather, wet towels, or any other
weapon to which they can conveniently resort.
To be stung by a black hornet or a scorpion.
S. sº # |
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A Mosquito ON THE SCENT.
is bad; to be bitten by a tarantula or rattle-
snake is worse; but to be punctured to the
bone by the bugle of one of these mosquitoes is
terrible. They are enormous insects. When
flying through the air they are as discernible as
thistle-down, or even humming birds. The
sharp tube through which they sap their vic-
tim's blood is fully three-quarters of an inch.

Y
3IO LYING IN AMBUSH.
long, and resembles a cambric needle; this
they steadily and unhesitatingly press into the
flesh until they either strike a bone, or their
forehead prevents them from doing deeper
injury.
Towards evening they rise with pining maws
from the low, damp land around the city—
“Innumerable as the blades of green,
That carpet the vale of the San Joaquin; ”
and as they close in upon the devoted inhabit-
ants, their blended cries swell in pitch and com-
pass until the sound resembles the impassioned
tone of a fish-peddler's horn. I stopped at a
hotel in the lower part of the city, and before
retiring for the night looked carefully about the
room. As few mosquitoes were in sight, I con-
cluded to sleep without using the bar. Con-
gratulating myself on being assigned a room
where so few of the common enemy of man
were lying in wait, I extinguished the light and
turned in.
Scarce was I stretched upon the couch when
{ON THE WAR-PATH. 3II.
* At once there rose such hungry yells,
From every point the compass tells,”
that I lost no time in striking a light and adjust-
ing the netting. I now saw them emerging
from every conceivable hiding place. Troop-
ing they came, from behind picture-frames,
from under the bureau ; out of vases and
old empty bottles. They were climbing and
clambering and pitching towards me with
energy. I noticed a steady stream of them
shooting out of the closet through the key-
hole, with such velocity that they went warping
half-way across the apartment before they could
check themselves sufficiently to tack around and
dive for the bed.
They had all they bargained for, to get
safely through that key-hole, too. There was
not much spare room, I can tell you. But for
the great pressure from behind kept up by
others anxious to get through, many a large
fellow would have been sticking in that open-
ing yet. But once they got started in, there
was no backing out; no, indeed! On 1 on 1
wºº. * **
* * *
312 - A MOSQUITO's WEAK POINT.
-- *-* *
was the cry, and they pressed forward with a
rush, often sacrificing a leg or wing by the
manoeuvre. But they didn't seem to care for
the loss of one of those members so long as
their bill remained intact. Deprive 2. ITTOS-
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squito of one wing, and he will seem to laugh
at you while he makes the other do double
Aduty. Brush off one leg, and he will shake the
remaining ones triumphantly in your face. ~,
But damage his bill and you demoralize him
at once. He becomes immediately disheartened. .


BEATING A. RETREAT. 3I 3
He loses caste among his companions and con-
fidence in himself. He wabbles about here and
there to no purpose, like an old bachelor. You
deprive him at once of his song and his supper.
You can hardly picture to yourself a more de-
jected insect, one more hopelessly down in the
mouth. He withdraws to the ceiling, or curtain,
and looks with envious eyes upon his associates
gorging themselves while his poor digestive
organs are drying through inactivity.
We would be inclined to pity him in his sad
condition, were it not that we hold the whole
insect race as coming under our ban. The
whine of disappointment, long, loud and qua-
vering, that went up when they ascertained I
was protected, will always remain a fixture in
my memory.
As they closed around the bed, so numerous
were they, their flight was actually impeded.
Down they settled with locked wings on the
bar above me, thick as snow-flakes around some
old uprooted pine by the Madawaska. I had
long heard of the mosquitoes of this locality,
3I4. A SAD TOWN.
and was prepared for an introduction to form-
idable insects, but found them even worse than I
expected.
Discouraged by the mosquitoes, I fled to a
neighboring city, only to find that it is the
stronghold of ſever and ague. In other parts
it may be more active for a few months of the
year, but here it stays by the people like their
consciences. The winds may rise and comb
the valley until the very grass is lifted by the
roots and borne to the mountains. The sun
may grow weary of well doing, enter Capri-
corn, and for a season be hid ; or the rains may
descend until the narrow slough—by which the
city is situated—becomes a wide-spreading lake,
through which ships of the line might plow with
safety; but the chills and fever stays by them
still. There is no “shaking” it off. It holds its
grip like a mortgage. The tender limbs of the
new-born babe, and the pithless bones of ripe
old age, shiver alike in its awful grasp.
The citizens of this sad place are a serious,
matter-of-fact people, who seem to think it was
THE ORCHESTRA. 3I 5
not the original intention that men should spend
any time in laughter, for they indulge very little
in witticisms or humor. A good joke is often
lost upon them, and the perpetrator of a bad
one places himself in jeopardy. A person who
attempts a pun that does not carry its point
before it, like a sword-fish, is in danger of being
immediately seized from behind and hurried in
the direction of the Insane Asylum.
While stopping in this delightful place I vis-
ited the small theatre of which the inhabitants
are justly proud, and shall never forgive myself
if I fail to mention the orchestra, that discoursed
most eloquent music on that occasion. .
Whether the regular musicians of the theatre
were on a strike for higher wages, and the
manager was obliged to bring in outside talent,
I did not learn; but certain it was, the sole
instrument that kept the audience awake be-
tween the acts, the night in question, was a
large piece—a bassoon, I think—filled and
manipulated by a stout, spectacled representa-
tive from the Faderland.
3 I6 DESCRIPTION BAFFLED.
^-
In addition to the musician's frog-shaped
body—which of itself would doubtless have
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THE ORCHESTRA,
attracted my attention—he had a head that was
truly a study. To say he was bald, is to make












































LIKE A BILLIARD BALL, 317
a remark that would be applicable to about
two-thirds of the gentlemen in the theatre, but
to say that his head was as smooth, as shiny, and
devoid of hair, from the eyebrows to the very
nape of the neck, as a billiard ball, is hardly
doing the head justice. It seemed actually
peeled. *
Besides, it was of a conical form, and as I
looked upon it I thought what an advantage it
would have been to me in my younger days if
I had had some such thing in the barnyard, over
which to break pumpkins for the cattle. I am
certain a pumpkin or squash brought down
upon such an object with well-centred preci-
sion, would fly into as many fragments as the
Turkish Empire.
I was not the only person whose attention
was arrested by that marvelous development.
If a diamond the size of a rutabaga had sud-
denly flashed, the audience would scarcely have
turned with greater haste to contemplate its
beauties than they did to regard that head the
instant the hat was removed.
318 A REFLECTIVE HEAD.
It had such a smooth and polished surface
that the actors, as they passed back and forth
upon the stage, were mirrored out upon it in
Liliputian proportions. The large globe light
was reflected so perfectly upon that glossy scalp
that it shed a positive light to remote corners
of the auditorium; and a person would look
first at the head, then up at the globe, and then
down at the head again, and then hardly be
prepared to decide from which object the orig-
inal rays of light proceeded.
The musician had one original “turn” which
afforded me much amusement. At the com-
mencement of a tune he would sit facing the
stage, which was proper enough ; but as he
proceeded he would turn by degrees until he
was sitting full face to the audience.
The gods in the gallery seemed to consider
it their especial privilege to pelt his head with
peanuts; and when one would happen to hit—
which was quite often—it would bound and
skip from the polished object in a manner that
would invariably bring down the house.
AN ARTISTIC ACTOR. 3 IQ
Standing as it did in bold relief from the dark
panel-work and drapery behind, it was a most
excellent and inviting mark. Man though I
am, with the sobering cares of life closing
gloomily around me, I actually regretted I
couldn't try a shot at the old codger's head
myself.
It has been said “The king of Shadows loves
3 y
a shining mark.” If this is so, how that musi-
cian managed to escape the arrows so long is
more than I can understand. For many a
year he certainly has presented a target worthy
the whole archery of the realm of Death.
The evening's entertainment was made up of
selections from Shakespeare's tragedies, “Mac-
beth" and “Othello.”
The principal actor, whose name I forget, was
the oddest and hungriest-looking player I ever
saw stalk across a stage, or foam and fret in
histrionic effort. He looked as though he had
been dangling from the lowest spoke of For-
tune's wheel for the last twenty years. His
make-up was terrible also, and after I learned
32O THE MURDEROUS THANE.
**.
the periormance was not an intentional bur.
lesque, I could hardly keep from hooting when-
ever he appeared. As the evening advanced,
**
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however, he warmed up considerably. When
he appeared as the murderous Thane moving
toward the apartments of his slumbering victim,
huskily repeating the thrilling lines, “The bell






















A BAREFOOT TRAGEDIAN. 321
every inch a villain, and the little theatre rung
invites me ! I go, and it is done l’’ he looked
OTHELLO,
<gain with the clapping and clattering of the
snthusiastic audience. In “Othello” his dress
was even worse than in “Macbeth.” In the

21
322 AVAILABLE SUBSTITUTES.
scene where he smothers Desdemona, he was
barefooted, and looked supremely ridiculous. I
would have given double the amount I paid for
admission for the glorious privilege of kicking
him across the stage. .**
The customary pitcher-shaped lamp which
the “Moor” usually bears in his hand upon
this occasion, and to which he alludes when he
says:—
“If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me,”
was not procurable. The tragedian therefore
carried a candle stuck in the neck of a large
wine-bottle, and under his left arm he carried a
pillow about the size of a single-bed mattress,
with which to put out the light of the fair Des-
demona, who was lying upon a lounge at the
left of the stage. I was too great a lover of
Shakespeare to sit longer by and witness the
terrible butchery. I arose and left the house,
and as I passed out, the pitying glances of the
THE RAILROAD TUNNEL. 323
audience informed me that they didn't under-
stand the real state of affairs, but thought I was
taken suddenly ill. I was ill at ease, and had
been, during the entire evening.
On the way down the next morning an over.
land passenger made my acquaintance on the
cars, and while conversing about the long snow-
sheds and tunnels he had passed, I informed
- him of the long tunnel through which we would
pass on leaving the valley.
“Are we near that tunnel now ** he asked.
“Yes,” I answered, “we will enter it in about
fifteen minutes.” “Is the tunnel dark P” he in-
quired, “Yes, very dark,” I replied, ten
shades darker than a cloudy midnight.” “By
jingo l’ he cried, “that's just the thing for me.
I forgot to put on a clean shirt last night, and I
hate like the deuce to arrive at my destination
looking as I do now. Do you think a fellow
would have time to put a shirt on while passing
through it?” he continued, earnestly.
“He might,” I answered, “if he had it ready
before reaching the tunnel.”
324 DARKNESS.
“Well, I'll try a pull, anyway,” he said, as he
took down the valise from a rack overhead to
select the garment. “I’ll have it all ready for s
a hoist,” he continued, “and if I don't climb into
it faster, than a spark into a chimney, I'm not
what I think I am, that's all; ” and with a look
of determination he went to a seat in the rear
of the car, and for a time seemed busily en-
gaged preparing for the great change.
I had made an error in regard to the time
that would elapse before we reached the tunnel,
and the result was we reached it before he was
fully prepared for it. Into it the locomotive
plunged with a wild scream. Gloom closed
around the passengers, hiding the nearest
objects from their view. On we sped. The
rattling of the trucks told us rail after rail was
passed, but still a darkness that might be felt
enveloped the rushing train.
Those who were conversing as the car
entered the tunnel, stopped as though the icy
hand of death had been laid upon their throat.
The half-uttered word rested upon the tongue,
-ATTEMPTED CHANGE OF LINEN. 325
and the tunnel, like a long dash, stretched be.
tween the parts of a sentence. ”
I thought of the passenger, doubtless by this
time struggling into his linen, and turned
around in my seat facing him. With consider-
able interest I waited the return of light. At
last it came glimmering far ahead. Plainer
and plainer the objects grew around, and first
and most noticeable of all, was the tall form of
the passenger from over the mountains, lean-
ing over the seat in front of him, enveloped in
his snowy linen, his hands stuck in the sleeves
at the elbows, and his head vainly endeavoring
to shoot through the opening at the neck,
which in his haste he had neglected to un-
button.
Notwithstanding his head was enveloped, he
was conscious that light had dawned upon the
scene, and his struggles and frantic thrusts be-
came painful to look upon.
wº Finally the fastening at the neck gave way,
and his face came through the opening, red as
a pickled beet. Fortunately most of the pay
326 A STARTLING SIGHT.
sengers were sitting with backs toward him,
and but few witnessed the terrible struggle.
One old lady, however, got nearly frightened
out of her wits. When objects began to grow
ſ' /
z
A STARTLING APPARITION,
visible around her, she became suddenly ap-
prised of the startling fact that a white figure
was bent over her, with outstretched wings fan-
ning the air, and she very naturally came to

*
MOT READY. 327
the conclusion that an angel was about to
gather her to her fathers.
The ashen look of the poor old body, as she
stole a glance over her shoulder at the white
object behind, showed that however fitted she
was—in respect of years—for the final taking
off, she was anything but willing to start upon
such an uncertain journey.
sºmº-
THE ROD OF CORRECTION,
*
T is not often that a poor fellow like myself
can have a good laugh at the expense of a
high dignitary. To-day, however, an op-
portunity presented itself, and happily I was in
the right humor to appreciate it. Passing along
a narrow street, I saw an old Irish woman un-
mercifully beating her boy with a rod, which, if
it had not been divested of twigs and leaves,
would have served as a Christmas tree for a
good-sized family. This of itself was nothing to
make one smile, and perhaps no person would
more readily endorse such a sentiment than the
boy himself. But the end was not yet.
It appears that while on his way from the
\ grocery, with a pitcher of beer for his mother,
(328)
AN UNFORTUNATE BOY, 329
the little fellow tripped up and spilled nearly the
whole contents in the street. This was somei
thing that Temperance folk might well rejoice
over, but it was a serious matter for the boy.
The old woman, with parched lips, was standing
at the gate, impatiently awaiting her youngster's
return. She saw him emerge from the store,
pitcher in hand. Her quick eye caught sight of
the light foam rising in airy bubbles above the
brim, and she knew the grocer had sent her no
stinted measure. In fancy she was already
quenching her thirst with copious draughts of
the cooling drink—when she saw the boy meas-
uring his length upon the planks. Worst, and
most lamentable of all, she saw the delectable
beverage coursing down the sidewalk in a dozen
foaming streams. Her rage knew no bounds.
The moment the boy put his foot inside the gate,
she seized him with the grip of a virago, and
belabored him with the cudgel till he roared. So
great was the outcry that every window in the
vicinity was immediately crammed with heads.
Taught by the lessons of my youth that he who
33O A DISCREET SILENCE.
meddles in other people's affairs often treads
upon his own corns, I maintained a wise silence;
but I mentally prayed that the wrath of the old
fury would be appeased, for the cries and wild
A REAR ATTACK.
antics of the little wretch began to grow mo-
nôtonous.
There chanced at that moment to be passing
an emixent minister who weekly fills his fash-
1onable, spacious church with a glittering con-

WOMANLY INIDIGNATION. 33 I
--
gregation. He saw the woman was in a
towering passion, and he ventured to remark:
“My good woman, the rod of correction should
never become the weapon of passion.” The
remark, which seemed good and to the point,
caused her temporarily to suspend hostilities;
but she still retained her hold on the collar, as
she turned around sharply to ascertain who
dared criticise her method of training up a
child in the way he should go.
For a minute she glared upon the clergyman t
with flashing eyes, as if astonished at his inter
ference. Surveying him from the soles of his
boots to the very crown swirl of his silk hat,
she drew herself up to her full height, and, in
the most indignant voice, shouted: “Away wid
yer cotations, you ould sermon thief! It's not
from the likes of yees I learn me juty ” . . `
The clergyman was nonplussed; he quailed
before the fiery eyes and sarcastic tongue of
the old vixen; and I fancied his face lit up with
joy when he discovered that he was nigh a
corner, around which he quickly disappeared.
-**

ST, PATRICK’S DAY.
RIN go bragh St. Patrick's day is upon
us, and the city seems wrapped in a
§ “mantle of green,” so numerous are the
\rish flags flying in the breeze.
_ſ_º-
* -
From hovel roof, and church of size
Alike, the harp and sun-burst flies 1
The ear of morn is stunned with the bray of
at least a dozen blatant bands, as they discourse
Old Erin's soul-stirring airs. It is an easy matter
for a person to imagine himself sitting by some
sheeling door in “County Kerry” instead of
this great American city by the sea. The
Ancient Order of Hibernians and the Fenians
are out in full force, with clean-boiled shirts
and soap-washed faces. Marshals charge

(332)
KEEPING ST. PATRICK's DAY. 333
around upon their caparisoned steeds like real
heroes, and sitting gracefully as a sack of
potatoes upon the back of a spavined mule
trotting over a corduroy road. Evidently some
of them have never before bent over anything
that came nigher to an equine than a saw horse.
It is plain
Those who always rode, now ride the more,
‘And those now ride who never rode before.
Well, they love the country that gave them
birth, and that is a virtue that is certainly co
mendable, a natural excellence often wanting
in other nationalities. Besides, celebrating the
old gentleman's birthday makes business lively
with the stable men and the shoemakers, and
that of itself is a good reason why the demon-
stration should be encouraged. It is hardly
probable that any of the great powers will be
materially weakened by these loyal manifesta-
tions.
Here is a sketch of a spirited member of the
“Ancient Order of Hibernians,” as he appeared


334 - A PART OF THE CELEBRATION.
passing my window in the morning, full of life.
and loyalty, tripping the asphaltum pavement
lightly as though traversing the springy surface
IN THE MORNING.
of his native bogs. And following is another
sketch of the same individual in the evening,
when full of oaths and whiskey, lying in Jºe
gutter with all that ease and abandon which

THE END OF THE CELEBRATION. 335
*-
characterizes the Celtic race, wherever dis-
persed, in every land and in every age.
The different races of men have their different
weaknesses. It may seem an extravagant state-
ment, but I venture to say if there had been no
IN THE EVENING,
rice plant in the world, the Chinese would not
have cared to live. I will even go further and
say perhaps there would have been no Mon:
golian race. And now the thought occurs to
me, this deficiency in the human family would
*of have been such a terrible thing after all.

336 A SPY-GLASS WITHOUT THE GLASS.
True, we should have been obliged to get
along with catnip tea instead of Souchong,
which would have been pretty heavy on old
women. We also would have been obliged to
worry through without old Confucius, which
might have made some confusion in meta-
physics or political morality. But as the latter
could hardly be worse than it is at present with
all his teachings, we possibly might have man-
aged to exist very well without the moon-eyed
philosopher.
The Teuton dotes on his well-seasoned
bologna. The grizzly Emperor William I,
standing upon an eminence near Rezonville,
overlooking the battle-field, with a spy-glass in
one hand and a large bologna sausage in the
other, furnished indeed a striking sketch for the
special artist of the occasion. The humor of
the situation came in when the Emperor, for-
getting himself in the excitement of the moment,
raised the sausage to his eye instead of the
spy-glass, and because he failed to see the
squadron of Uhlans—that a moment before
A SPECIMEN HIBERNIAN. 337
were charging upon a battery—concluded they
were blown to smithereens, and losing his
usual equanimity, commenced to swear fear-
fully, and order up another division to take
their place. There was a broad and sarcastic
humor couched in the remark of the officer at
his side, who observed the mistake, and ventured
the suggestion, “If your Majesty will take
another bite from the sausage, perhaps you
will be able to see through it.”
And then, there is the jovial, careless, fr
hearted, yet quarrelsome Irishman, who th;
a new Jerusalem without a little whiskey still
one corner of it—“over beyant the throne, a
forminst the back dure,” for instance—would
just no Paradise at all. I believe there is not a
race of men on the face of the earth—from
Behring Straits to Terra del Fuego, round and
about, over and under, or down either quarter
—that can extract the same genuine soul-satis-
fying bliss from a flattened nose or swelled lip,
that a real, irrepressible, County Kerry Irishman
can. Let him have that, and a good stiff horn





22 2.
! 338 contentMENT IN Low LIFE.
of whiskey to keep the blood running freely, and
my advice to you is, keep upon the other side
of the street, if you intend to sit for your picture
that afternoon, or visit your sweetheart that
evening, or expect to take up the collection
during divine worship the next Sunday. At
such a time he is no respecter of persons, this
set-up Irishman.
\ You may be the Rector of the finest cathedral
in the place, the mayor of the city, the judge of
e supreme court, or even the governor of the
Re; and should your hat chance to blow off
nd roll in front of him—though it should cost
Him a fall upon the pavement—that man will
tick it. I tell you he will kick it, and soundly
- too. He will make no mincing about it, but go
for it, as he would for his neighbor's pig, should
he find it in his garden of cabbages. At such
times he is full of words also, and can bestow
upon the stone that trips him up the same flow
of abuse that he can shower upon the man
who assists him to his feet.








i
:
ºve a cº-
;
º
ºr a tº a
ALL FOOLS’ DAY."
'HIS is “all fools' day,” and judging by the
number of people who are passing along
the sidewalk with strings and rags dan-
gling from their coat tails, the custom of making
people appear ridiculous is not obsolete. What
delight the youngsters take in covering a few
bricks with an old hat, and leaving it temptingly
upon the sidewalk, while they withdraw into
- (339)


34O COSTLY KICKS,
some nook to watch the bait and halloo at the
person who is thoughtless enough to kick it.
Though the custom has age to sanction it, I,
Aft *S
'g
%
# % º :=s
2 2-1/2
£º S
>as
...sº
& "...ºte- {-z- tº-z-Ns,
TN-> s' s = . NS *
s:-- \º s
~s:--
SOLIO.
am decidedly opposed to making people—either
on the first of April or upon any other day
—appear ridiculous in their own eyes as well as


BARRIERS TO SUCCESS. 34. I
in the eyes of every person with whom they
corse in contact. People will make fools of
thernselves often enough, without the assist-
ance of others. I wonder why men are not
more upon their guard upon this day. Just
now 3 saw a newspaper reporter, who certainly
shorºld have known better, kick an old hat from
his way, and go limping to the office, denounc-
ing everybody in general, but children in par-
ticular. Speaking of reporters calls to mind
something that I have often thought. I belie
if I had been endowed with more cheek
less scrupies about over-stepping the line
veracity, I long before this would have made my
mark in the world as a newspaper scribbler.
* My unconquerable modesty always rose up
like a barrier between me and reportorial fame.
It would never allow me to dip into trivial,
baseless rumors, and magnify them into scan-
dalous reports. My pride, too, was a clog that
blocked the wheel of progress. I could never
throw it aside long enough to intrude myself
uninvited at select gatherings, or creep and






342 A STARTLING STORY.
crouch under a window sill or behind a door,
like a base eavesdropper, to hear words that
were not intended for the public ear, in order
to work up a stirring article. But for these
drawbacks, I cannot help thinking I would have
done well at the business, because, by a singu-
lar decree of fate, I am generally present when-
ever any strange or amusing incident transpires,
or even when scenes of a serious nature furnish
work for the pen, and many a time, too, when
incould well wish myself suddenly removed far
ugh from the distressing scene before me.
This afternoon, for example, a terrible assault
as perpetrated in the back yard of the house
adjoining the one in which I reside.
There is no use talking, I will have to get up
and bundle out of this locality, before long. It
is becoming too rough a quarter for me. Its
poisonous air would tarnish the brightest repu-
tation that ever shone upon a forehead.
With my usual luck, I happened to witness
the affair. Thus far I have kept it to myself, as
} have no desire to figure in a court of justice







I WILL SAY NO MORE
in any such scrape. Some people, pe
would rush forward and volunteer their tº
mony, but I am not of that turn of mind, an
calculate to keep my mouth shut until it is pried
open by a legal bar. I have been looking over
the evening papers, but they make no mention
of the case, so perhaps the authorities are keep-
ing the matter quiet, fearing that by giving it
publicity they would defeat the ends of justice.
With this thought in mind, and to help them
along in their efforts, it being “all fools' da
also, I will say no more about it. t



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