AJGUSTA ſe eº, ſ. : ~~~~===-- ~~~~ ~~ º UllMN&C ſä Tºrº~) ***ſºr“ * Fº |||||||| && }}, , , , , . si :ae rj\,\! , ! *} \\ Ş R*. UAER15 PENINSUUAM wº jgyő ***** ||||| №ź,â€/ſ}{4} № !!!«■º : • HÆ, Æſº:ÁJ-20%&\![\\[[IŅIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII İİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİñiñiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii PO R T R A IT S P O R T R A IT S º f J. / Y. ; *- & .* Ar & - *——º K- / & ſ § # & * {** * - - -------— - – - *-> → * = r.e., e-, - e. A BY AUGUSTA WEBSTER . THA D F A)/TVOAV 31. Unly Un M A CM ILL AN AND CO. A.N.D NEW YORK I 89.3 AZZ rights reserved First AEdition ºrinted February 1870. Second, Azgust 1870. TO this Edition is added “Faded,” hitherto un- published, written in 1870, after the issue of the Second edition, but part of the original intention of the Portražás—an intention which has never been Completely carried out. “A Preacher ” and “A Painter,” which were published in the volume called ZDramatic Studies, are also added to this edition of Portraits, as they in fact belong to the series. A. W. CONT ENTS MEDEA IN ATHENS . CIRCE e THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD A CASTAWAY FADED A SOUL IN PRISON . TIRED CoMING HoME. IN AN ALMSHOUSE A PREACHER A PAINTER AN INVENTOR A DILETTANTE THE MANUSCRIPT OF SAINT ALEXIUS PAGE I4. 23 35 63 7 I 8I 98 Io'7 I 26 I 37 148 I 57 I65 MEDEA IN ATHENS DEAD, is he P Yes, our stranger guest said dead— Said it by noonday, when it seemed a thing Most natural and so indifferent As if the tale ran that a while ago There died a man I had talked with a chance hour When he by chance was near me. If I spoke “Good news for us, but ill news for the dead, When the gods sweep a villain down to them,” ‘Twas the prompt trick of words, like a pat phrase From someone other's song found on one's lips And used because ’tis there : for through all day The news seemed neither good nor ill to me. And now when day, with all its useless talk And useless smiles and idiots’ prying eyes That impotently peer into one's life, When day, with all its seemly lying shows, Has gone its way and left pleased fools to sleep, B 2 A/A/OAA ZAV A 7TA/AAVS While weary mummers, taking off the mask, Discern that face themselves forgot anon, And, sitting in the lap of sheltering night, Learn their own secrets from her—even now Does it seem either good or ill to me? No ; but mere strange. And this most strange of all, That I care nothing. Nay, how wild thought grows Meseems one came and told of Jason's death : But ’twas a dream. Else should I, wondering thus, Reck not of him, nor with the virulent hate That should be mine against mine enemy, Nor with that weakness which I sometimes feared Should this day make me, not remembering Glaucé, Grudge him to Death as though he had died mine. Can he be dead? It were so strange a world With him not in it. Dimly I recall Some prophecy a god breathed by my mouth. It could not err. What was it P For I think It told his death." * 2° 5', Öo Tep elkös, Katóaveſ Kakös kakós, 'Apºyot's Kápa orou Newpdvg trett)\m'ypévos. Eur. Med. I 386, 7. A/A2/)/2A ZAV A 7TAZAAVS 3 Has a god come to me? Is it thou, my Hecate P How know I all? For I know all as if from long ago : And I know all, beholding instantly. Is not that he, arisen through the mists?— A lean and haggard man rough round the eyes, Dull, and with no scorn left upon his lip, Decayed out of his goodliness and strength; A wanned and broken image of a god; Dim counterfeit of Jason, heavily Wearing the name of him, and memories. And lo, he rests with lax and careless limbs On the loose sandbed wind-heaped round his ship That rots in sloth like him, and props his head On a half-buried fallen spar. The sea, Climbing the beach towards him, seethes and frets, And on the verge two Sunned and shadowed clouds Take shapes of notched rock-islands; and his thoughts Drift languid to the steep Symplegades And the sound of waters Crashing at their base. And now he speaks out of his loneliness, “I was afraid and careful, but she laughed: ‘Love steers,’ she said : and when the rocks were far, Grey twinkling spots in distance, suddenly Her face grew white, and, looking back to them, 4. A/A) /)AA /AW. A 7TAZAZAVS She said “Oh love, a god has whispered me 'Twere well had we drowned there, for strange mad WOéS. Are waiting for us in your Greece’: and then She tossed her head back, while her brown hair streamed Gold in the wind and sun, and her face glowed With daring beauty; ‘What of woes,’ she cried, “If only they leave time for love enough P’ But oh the fire and flush ! It took one's breath !” And then he lay half musing half adoze; Shadows of me went misty through his sight. And by and by he roused and cried “Oh dolt . Glaucá was never half so beautiful.” Then under part-closed lids remembering her, “Poor Glaucé; a Sweet face; and yet, methinks, She might have wearied me”: and suddenly, Smiting the sand awhirl with his angry hand, Scorned at himself, “What god befooled my wits To dream my fancy for her yellow curls And milk-white softness subtle policy P Wealth and a royal bride: but what beyond P Medea, with her skills, her presciences, Man's wisdom, woman’s craft, her rage of love That gave her to serve me strength next divine, Medea would have made what I would ; ME/DEA AW A THEAVS 5 Glaucé but what she could. I schemed amiss And earned the curses the gods send on fools. Ruined, ruined . A laughing-stock to foes | No man so mean but he may pity me; No man so wretched but will keep aloof Lest the curse upon me make him wretcheder. Ruined ” And lo, I see him hide his face Like a man who'll weep with passion : but to him The passion comes not, only slow few tears Of one too weary. And from the great field Where the boys race he hears their jubilant shouts Hum through the distance, and he sighs “Ah me ! She might have spared the children, left me them – No Sons, no sons to stand about me now And prosper me, and tend me by and by In faltering age, and keep my name on earth When I shall be departed out of sight.” And the shouts hummed louder forth ; and whirring past A screaming sea-bird flapped into the bay, And listlessly he watched it dip and rise Till it skimmed out of sight, so small a speck As a mayfly on the brook; and then he said “Fly forth, fly forth, bird, fly to fierce Medea 6 A/A2/D.A.A. ZAV A 7TA/AAWS Where by great AEgeus she sits queening it, Belike a joyful mother of new sons; Tell her she never loved me as she talked, Else had no wrong at my hand shown so great : Tell her that she breaks oaths more than I broke, Even so much as she seemed to love most— She who sits fondling in a husband's arms While I am desolate.” And again he said “My house is perished with me—Ruined, ruined ” At that he rose and, muttering in his teeth Still “Ruined, ruined,” slowly paced the sands : Then stood and, gazing on the ragged hulk, Cried “Oh loathed tool of fiends that through all Storm.S And Sundering waters borest me to Medea, Rot, rot, accursed thing,” and petulant Pashed at the side LO, lo I see it part A tottering spar—it parts, it falls, it strikes | He is prone on the sand, the blood wells from his brow, He moans, he speaks, “Medea's prophecy”: See, he has fainted. Hush, hush he has lain With death and silence long : now he awakes : MEDEA IN ATHENS 7. “Where is Medea P Let her bind my head.” Hush, hush | A sigh—a breath—He is dead. %. % 96. % 3. Medea What, is it thou ? What, thou, this whimpering fool, This kind meek coward | Sick for pity, art thou? Or did the vision scare thee? Out on me ! Do I drivel like a slight disconsolate girl Wailing her love? No, not one foolish tear That shamed my cheek welled up for any grief At his so pitiful lone end. The touch Of ancient memories and the woman’s trick Of easy weeping took me unawares : But grief! Why should I grieve? And yet for this, That he is dead. He should still pine and dwine, Hungry for his old lost strong food of life Vanished with me, hungry for children's love, Hungry for me. Ever to think of me— With love, with hate, what care IP hate is love— Ever to think and long. Oh, it was well ! Yea, my new marriage hope has been achieved ; For he did count me happy, picture me Happy with AEgeus; he did dream of me 8 A/AEA)/2A / W A 7TAZAAVS As all to AEgeus that I was to him, And to him nothing; he did yearn for me And know me lost—we two so far apart As dead and living, I an envied wife, And he alone and childless. Jason, Jason, Come back to earth ; live, live for my revenge. But lo, the man is dead : I am forgotten. Forgotten ; something goes from life in that— As if oneself had died when the half self Of one's true living-time has slipped away From reach of memories, has ceased to know That such a woman is. A wondrous thing To be so separate having been so near— Near by hate last, and once by so strong love. Would love have kept us near if he had died - In the good days? Tush, I should have died too : We should have gone together, hand in hand, And made dark Hades glorious each to each. Ah me! if then when through the fitful seas We saw the great rocks glimmer, and the crew Howled “We are lost lo, the Symplegades 1” Too late to shun them, if but then some wave, Our Secret friend, had dashed from our course, A/A2/D/EA ZAV A 7THEAVS Sending us to be shivered at the base, Well, well indeed And yet, what say I there? Ten years together were they not worth cost Of all the anguish P Oh me, how I loved him Why did I not die loving him P %. 3. 36. 36. + What, thou ! Have the dead no room, or do they drive thee forth, Loathing thee near them P Dost thou threaten me? Why, so I saw thee last, and was not.scared : Think not to scare me now ; I am no babe To shiver at an unavailing shade. Go, go, thou canst not curse me, none will hear : The gods remember justice. Wrongs ſhy wrongs Thy vengeance, ghost What hast thou to avenge As I have P Lo, thy meek-eyed Glaucé died, And thy king kinsman Creon died : but I, I live what thou hast made me. Oh smooth adder Who with fanged kisses chang'dst my natural blood To venom in me, say, didst thou not find A grave and simple girl in a still home, Learning my spells for pleasant services Or to make sick beds easier? With me went The sweet sound of friends' voices praising me: All faces smiled on me, even lifeless things IO A/A2/DA2A /AW. A 7TAZAZAWS Seemed glad because of me; and I could smile To every face, to everything, to trees, To skies and waters, to the passing herds, To the Small thievish sparrows, to the grass With sunshine through it, to the weed’s bold flowers: For all things glad and harmless seemed my kin, And all seemed glad and harmless in the world. Thou Cam'st, and from the day thou, meeting me In Hecate's dim grove culling my herbs, Didst burn my cheek with kisses hot and strange, The curse of thee compelled me. Lo, I am The wretch thou say'st; but wherefore? by whose Work P Who, binding me with dreadful marriage oaths In the midnight temple, led my treacherous flight From home and father P Whose voice when I turned, Desperate to save thee, on my own young brother, My so loved brother, whose voice as I smote Nerved me, cried “Brave Medea "P For whose ends Did I decoy the credulous girls, poor fools, To slay their father P When have I been base, When cruel, save for thee, until—Man, man, Wilt thou accuse my guilt P Whose is my guilt? Mine or thine, Jason P Oh, soul of my crimes, How shall I pardon thee for what I am P Never. And if, with the poor womanish heart MAE/OAZA ZAV A 7THEAVS I I That for the loving's sake will still love on, I could let such a past wane as a dream And turn to thee at waking—turn to thee! I, put aside like some slight purchased slave Who pleased thee and then tired thee, turn to thee! Yet never, not if thou and I could live Thousands of years and all thy years were pain And all my years were to behold thy pain, Never could I forgive thee for my boys; Never could I look on this hand of mine That slew them and not hate thee. Childless, thou, What is thy childlessness to mine? Go, go, Thou foolish angry ghost, what wrongs hast thou ? Would I could wrong thee more, Come thou some- times And see me happy. Dost thou mock at me With thy cold smiling? Aye, can I not love? What then P am I not folded round with love, With a life's whole of love? There doth no thought Come near to AEgeus save what is of me: Am I no happy wife P And I go proud, And treasure him for noblest of the world : Am I no happy wife? Dost mock me still P My children, is it? Are the dead so wise? I 2 A/A2/O AEA /AV A 7'AAAWS Why, who told thee my transport of despair When from the Sun, who willed me not to die Nor creep away, sudden and too late came The winged swift car that could have saved them, mine, From thee and from all foes. Tush, 'twas best so. If they had lived, sometimes thou hadst had hope : For thou wouldst still have said “I have two sons” And dreamed perchance they’d bring thee use at last And build thy greatness higher : but, now, now, Thou hast died shamed and childless, none to keep Thy name and memory fresh upon the earth, None to make boast of thee, “My father did it.” Yes, ’twas best so : my sons, we are avenged. Thou, mock me not. What if I have ill dreams, Seeing them loathe me, fly from me in dread, When I would feed my hungry mouth with kisses? What if I moan in tossing fever-thirsts, Crying for them whom I shall have no more, Here nor among the dead, who never more, Here nor among the dead, will smile to me. With young lips prattling “Mother, mother dear” P What if I turn sick when the women pass That lead their boys; and hate a child's young face P A/A2/D.A.A. ZAV A 7TAZAZAWS I3 What if Go, go ; thou mind'st me of our sons; And then I hate thee worse; go to thy grave By which none weeps. I have forgotten thee. CIRCE THE Sun drops luridly into the west ; Darkness has raised her arms to draw him down Before the time, not waiting as of wont Till he has come to her behind the sea ; And the Smooth waves grow sullen in the gloom And wear their threatening purple ; more and more The plain of waters sways and seems to rise Convexly from its level of the shores; And low dull thunder rolls along the beach : There will be storm at last, storm, glorious storm Oh welcome, welcome, though it rend my bowers, Scattering my blossomed roses like the dust, Splitting the shrieking branches, tossing down My riotous vines with their young half-tinged grapes Like Small round amethysts or beryls strung Tumultuously in clusters; though it sate Its ravenous spite among my goodliest pines Standing there round and still against the sky C/A2 CAE I5 That makes blue lakes between their sombre tufts, Or harry from my silvery olive slopes Some hoary king whose gnarled fantastic limbs Wear rugged armour of a thousand years; Though it will hurl high on my flowery shores The hostile wave that rives at the poor Sward And drags it down the slants, that swirls its foam Over my terraces, shakes their firm blocks Of great bright marbles into tumbled heaps, And makes my pleached and mossy labyrinths, Where the small odorous blossoms grow like stars Strewn in the milky way, a briny marsh. What matter? let it come and bring me change, Breaking the sickly Sweet monotony. I am too weary of this long bright calm ; Always the same blue sky, always the Sea The same blue perfect likeness of the sky, One rose to match the other that has waned, To-morrow's dawn the twin of yesterday's ; And every night the ceaseless crickets chirp The same long joy and the late strain of birds Repeats their strain of all the even month ; And changelessly the petty plashing Surfs Bubble their chiming burden round the stones; Dusk after dusk brings the same languid trance Upon the shadowy hills, and in the fields I6 C/A’ CAE The waves of fireflies come and go the same, Making the very flash of light and stir Vex one like dronings of the shuttles at task. Give me some change. Must life be only sweet, All honey-pap as babes would have their food P And, if my heart must always be adrowse In a hush of stagnant Sunshine, give me, then, Something outside me stirring; let the storm Break up the sluggish beauty, let it fall Beaten below the feet of passionate winds, And then to-morrow waken jubilant In a new birth ; let me see subtle joy Of anguish and of hopes, of change and growth. What fate is mine, who, far apart from pains And fears and turmoils of the cross-grained world, Dwell like a lonely god in a charmed isle Where I am first and only, and, like one Who should love poisonous savours more than mead, Long for a tempest on me and grow sick Of rest and of divine free carelessness Oh me, I am a woman, not a god ; Yea, those who tend me, even, are more than I, My nymphs who have the souls of flowers and birds Singing and blossoming immortally. Ah me ! these love a day and laugh again, C/A’ CAE 17 And loving, laughing, find a full content; But I know nought of peace, and have not loved. Where is my love? Does someone cry for me Not knowing whom he calls? Does his soul cry For mine to grow beside it, grow in it? Does he beseech the gods to give him me, The one unknown rare woman by whose side No other woman thrice as beautiful Could once seem fair to him ; to whose voice heard In any common tones no sweetest Sound Of love made melody on silver lutes, Or singing like Apollo’s when the gods Grow pale with happy listening, might be peered For making music to him ; whom Once found There will be no more seeking anything? Oh love, oh love, oh love, art not yet come Out of the waiting shadows into life? Art not yet come after so many years That I have longed for thee? Come ! I am here. Not yet. For surely I should feel a sound Of his far answer if now in the world He sought me who will seek me—Oh, ye gods, Will he not seek me? Is it all a dream P Will there be only these, these bestial things Who wallow in their styes, or mop and mow C I 8 C/A2 CAE Among the trees, or munch in pens and byres, Or snarl and filch behind their wattled coops; These things who had believed that they were men P Nay, but he will come. Why am I so fair, And marvellously minded, and with sight Which flashes suddenly on hidden things, As the gods see, who do not need to look? Why wear I in my eyes that stronger power Than basilisks, whose gaze can only kill, To draw men's souls to me to live or die As I would have them P Why am I given pride Which yet longs to be broken, and this scorn, Cruel and vengeful, for the lesser men Who meet the smiles I waste for lack of him, And grow too glad P Why am I who I am P But for the sake of him whom fate will send One day to be my master utterly, That he should take me, the desire of all, Whom only he in the world could bow to him. Oh, sunlike glory of pale glittering hairs, Bright as the filmy wires my weavers take To make me golden gauzes—Oh, deep eyes, Darker and softer than the bluest dusk Of August violets, darker and deep Like crystal fathomless lakes in Summer noons— C/ACCAE I9 Oh, sad sweet longing smile—Oh, lips that tempt My very self to kisses—oh, round cheeks Tenderly radiant with the even flush Of pale Smoothed coral—perfect lovely face Answering my gaze from out this fleckless pool— Wonder of glossy shoulders, chiselled limbs— Should I be so your lover as I am, Drinking an exquisite joy to watch you thus In all a hundred changes through the day, But that I love you for him till he comes, But that my beauty means his loving it? Oh, look a speck on this side of the sun, Coming—yes, coming with the rising wind That frays the darkening cloud-wrack on the verge And in a little while will leap abroad, Spattering the sky with rushing blacknesses, Dashing the hissing mountainous waves at the stars. 'Twill drive me that black speck a shuddering hulk Caught in the buffeting waves, dashed impotent From ridge to ridge, will drive it in the night With that dull jarring crash upon the beach, And the cries for help and the cries of fear and hope, And then to-morrow they will thoughtfully, With grave low voices, count their perils up, And thank the gods for having let them live 2O C/A’ CAE And tell of wives and mothers in their homes, And children, who would have such loss in them That they must weep (and maybe I weep too) With fancy of the weepings had they died. And the next morrow they will feel their ease And sigh with sleek content, or laugh elate, Tasting delight of rest and revelling, Music and perfumes, joyaunce for the eyes Of rosy faces and luxurious pomps, The savour of the banquet and the glow And fragrance of the wine-cup ; and they’ll talk How good it is to house in palaces Out of the storms and struggles, and what luck Strewed their good ship on Our accessless coast. Then the next day the beast in them will wake, And one will strike and bicker, and one swell With puffed-up greatness, and one gibe and strut In apish pranks, and one will line his sleeve With pilfered booties, and one snatch the gems Out of the carven goblets as they pass, One will grow mad with fever of the wine, And one will sluggishly besot himself, And one be lewd, and one be gluttonous; And I shall sickly look and loathe them all. Oh my rare cup ! my pure and crystal cup, With not one speck of colour to make false C/A2 CAE 2I The entering lights, or flaw to make them swerve My cup of Truth ! How the lost fools will laugh And thank me for my boon, as if I gave Some momentary flash of the gods' joy, To drink where Z have drunk and touch the touch Of my lips with their own Aye, let them touch. Too Cruel, am I? And the silly beasts, Crowding around me when I pass their way, Glower on me and, although they love me still, (With their poor sorts of love such as they could) Call wrath and vengeance to their humid eyes To Scare me into mercy, or creep near With piteous fawnings, supplicating bleats. Too cruel P Did I choose them what they are P Or change them from themselves by poisonous charms P But any draught, pure water, natural wine, Out of my cup, revealed them to themselves And to each other. Change? there was no change ; Only disguise gone from them unawares: And had there been one true right man of them He would have drunk the draught as I had drunk, And stood unharmed and looked me in the eyes, Abashing me before him. But these things— Why, which of them has even shown the kind Of some one nobler beast P Pah yapping wolves, 22 C/A’ CAE And pitiless stealthy wild-Cats, Curs, and apes, And gorging Swine, and slinking venomous Snakes— All false and ravenous and sensual brutes That shame the Earth that bore them, these they are. Lo, lo! the shivering blueness darting forth On half the heavens, and the forked thin fire Strikes to the sea : and hark, the sudden voice That rushes through the trees before the storm, And shuddering of the branches. Yet the sky Is blue against them still, and early stars Sparkle above the pine-tops ; and the air Clings faint and motionless around me here. Another burst of flame—and the black speck Shows in the glare, lashed onwards. It were well I bade make ready for our guests to-night. THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD A WEEK ago; only a little week: It seems so much much longer, though that day Is every morning still my yesterday; As all my life 'twill be my yesterday, For all my life is morrow to my love. Oh fortunate morrow ! Oh sweet happy love A week ago; and I am almost glad To have him now gone for this little while, That I may think of him and tell myself What to be his means, now that I am his, And know if mine is love enough for him, And make myself believe it all is true. A week ago; and it seems like a life, And I have not yet learned to know myself: 24 7 'AAA. AAAA*/AEST G/A&M. ZAV 7TAZAZ WOA’ZZ) I am so other than I was, SO Strange, Grown younger and grown older all in one ; And I am not so sad and not so gay ; And I think nothing, only hear him think. That morning, waking, I remembered him, “Will he be here to-day P he often comes;– And is it for my sake or to kill time?” And, wondering “Will he come P” I chose the dress He seemed to like the best, and hoped for him ; And did not think I could quite love him yet. And did I love him then with all my heart P Or did I wait until he held my hands And spoke “Say, shall it be?” and kissed my brow, And I looked at him and he knew it all? And did I love him from the day we met P But I more gladly danced with someone else Who waltzed more smoothly and was merrier : And did I love him when he first came here P But I more gladly talked with someone else Whose words were readier and who sought me more. When did I love him P. How did it begin? The Small green spikes of Snowdrops in the spring Are there one morning ere you think of them ; Still we may tell what morning they pierced up ; . THE A/AAAE/AEST G/AEA, ZAV ZAZZ WOA’//D 25 June rosebuds stir and open stealthily, And every new-blown rose is a surprise; Still we can date the day when one unclosed : But how can I tell when my love began P Oh, was it like the young pale twilight star That quietly breaks on the vacant sky, Is sudden there and perfect while you watch, And though you watch you have not seen it dawn, The star that only waited and awoke P But he knows when he loved me; for he says The first time we had met he told a friend “The sweetest dewy daisy of a girl, But not the solid stuff to make a wife;” And afterwards, the first time he was here, When I had slipped away into our field To watch alone for Sunset brightening on And heard them calling me, he says he stood And saw me come along the coppice walk Beneath the green and sparkling arch of boughs, And, while he watched the yellow lights that played With the dim flickering shadows of the leaves Over my yellow hair and soft pale dress, Flitting across me as I flitted through, He whispered inly, in so many words, “I see my wife; this is my wife who comes, 26 7A/A2 AAAAA’ZAZS 7" GZA' Z, ZAV 7TAZA. VVOA’//D And seems to bear the sunlight on with her : ” And that was when he loved me, so he says. Yet is he quite sure? was it only then P And had he had no thought which I could feel? For why was it I knew that he would watch, And all the while thought in my silly heart, As I advanced demurely, it was well I had on the pale dress with sweeping folds Which took the light and shadow tenderly, And that the sunlights touched my hair and cheek, Because he'd note it all and care for it? Oh vain and idle poor girl’s heart of mine, Content with that coquettish mean content He, with his man's straight purpose, thinking “wife,’ And I but that 'twas pleasant to be fair And that 'twas pleasant he should count me fair. But oh to think he should be loving me And I be no more moved out of myself! The sunbeams told him, but they told me nought, Except that maybe I was looking well. And oh had I but known | Why did no bird, Trilling its own sweet lovesong as I passed, So musically marvellously glad, Sing one for me too, sing me “It is he,” Sing “Love him,” and “You love him : it is he,” TA/AE A/A PAE/AST G/AE/, /AW 7A/AE WORLD 27 That I might then have loved him when he loved, That one dear moment might be date to both P And must I not be glad he hid his thought And did not tell me then, when it was soon And I should have been startled and not known How he is just the one man I can love, And Only with some pain lest he were pained, And nothing doubting, should have answered “No.” How strange life is I should have answered “No.” Oh can I ever be half glad enough He is so wise and patient and could wait! He waited as you wait the reddening fruit Which helplessly is ripening on the tree, And not because it tries or longs or wills, Only because the sun will shine on it : But he who waited was himself that sun. Oh, was it worth the waiting? was it worth P For I am half afraid love is not love, This love which only makes me rest in him And be so happy and so confident, --- This love which makes me pray for longest days That I may have them all to use for him, This love which almost makes me yearn for pain That I might have borne something for his sake, This love which I call love, is less than love. 28 ZTAZAZ AIA/2/2/A2S7" G//e/, ZAV ZTAZAZ VOA’Z/O Where are the fires and fevers and the pangs P Where is the anguish of too much delight, And the delirious madness at a kiss, The flushing and the paling at a look, And passionate ecstasy of meeting hands? Where is the eager weariness at time That will not bate a single measured hour To speed to us the far-off wedding-day ? I am so calm and wondering, like a child Who, led by a firm hand it knows and trusts Along a stranger country beautiful With a bewildering beauty to new eyes If they be wise to know what they behold, Finds newness everywhere but no surprise, And takes the beauty as an outward part Of being led so kindly by the hand. I am so cold : is mine but a child’s heart, And not a woman’s fit for such a man P Alas am I too cold, am I too dull, Can I not love him as another could P And Oh, if love be fire, what love is mine That is but like the pale subservient moon Who only asks to be earth's minister P And Oh, if love be whirlwind, what is mine That is but like a little even brook Which has no aim but flowing to the Sea, And sings for happiness because it flows? THE AAPP/EST GIRZ ZAV 7HAE WORZZ) 29 Ah well, I would that I could love him more And not be only happy as I am ; I would that I could love him to his worth, With that forgetting all myself in him, That subtle pain of exquisite excess, That momentary infinite sharp joy, I know by books but cannot teach my heart: And yet I think my love must needs be love, Since he can read me through—oh happy strange, My thoughts that were my secrets all for me Grown instantly his open easy book 1– Since he can read me through and is content. And yesterday, when they all went away, Save little Amy with her daisy chains, And left us in that shadow of tall ferns, And the child, leaning on me, fell asleep, And I, tired by the afternoon long walk, Said “I could almost gladly sleep like her,” Did he not answer, drawing down my head, “Sleep, darling, let me see you rest on me,” And when the child awaking wakened me, Did he not say “Dear, you have made me glad, For, seeing you so sleeping in your peace, I feel that you do love me utterly; No questionings, no regrettings, but at rest.” 3O 7TAIA. Aſ AA’A/AES 7" GZA' Z, ZAV ZAZAZ VVOA’/ D Oh yes, my good true darling, you said well “No questionings, no regrettings, but at rest : ” What should I question, what should I regret, Now I have you who are my hope and rest? I am the feathery wind-wafted seed That flickered idly half a merry morn, Now thralled into the rich life-giving earth To root and bud and waken into leaf And make it such poor Sweetness as I may ; The prisoned seed that never more shall float The frolic playfellow of summer winds And mimic the free changeful butterfly ; The prisoned seed that prisoned finds its life And feels its pulses stir and grows and grows. Oh love who gathered me into yourself, Oh love, I am at rest in you, and live. And shall I for so many coming days Be flower and sweetness to him P Oh pale flower, Grow, grow, and blossom out and fill the air, Feed on his richness, grow, grow, blossom out And fill the air, and be enough for him. Oh crystal music of the air-borne lark, So falling, nearer, nearer, from the sky, Are you a message to me of dear hopes? 7"HE A/APA/EST GIRZ /AW THE WORLD 31 Oh trilling gladness flying down to earth, Have you brought answer of sweet prophecy P Have you brought answer to the thoughts in me? Oh happy answer, and oh happy thoughts And which is the bird’s carol, which my heart's P My love, my love, my love And I shall be So much to him, so almost everything : And I shall be the friend whom he will trust, And I shall be the child whom he will teach, And I shall be the servant he will praise, And I shall be the mistress he will love, And I shall be his wife. Oh days to come, Will ye not pass like gentle rhythmic steps That fall to sweetest music noiselessly P But I have known the lark's song half sound sad, And I have seen the lake which rippled sun Toss dimmed and purple in a sudden wind ; And let me laugh a moment at my heart That thinks the summer-time must all be fair, That thinks the good days always must be good : Yes, let me laugh a moment—maybe weep. But no, but no, not laugh ; for through my joy I have been wise enough to know the while Some tears and some long hours are in all lives, 32 7A/E A/AAA/AES7" G/AEA. ZAV 7A/AE WOAZA) In every promised land some thorn-plants grow, Some tangling weeds as well as laden vines: And no, not weep; for is not my land fair, My land of promise flushed with fruit and bloom P And who would weep for fear of scattered thorns P And very thorns bear oftentimes sweet fruits. Oh, the black storm that breaks across the lake Ruffles the surface, leaves the deeps at rest— Deep in our hearts there always will be rest; Oh, summer storms fall sudden as they rose, The peaceful lake forgets them while they die— Our hearts will always have it summer-time. All rest, all summer-time. My love, my love, I know it will be so; you are so good, And I near you shall grow at last like you ; And you are tender, patient—oh I know You will bear with me, help me, smile to me, And let me make you happy easily; And I, what happiness could I have more Than that dear labour of a happy wife? I would not have another. Is it wrong And is it selfish that I cannot wish, That I who yet so love the clasping hand And innocent fond eyes of little ones, I cannot wish that which I sometimes read 7A7A. Aſ4/2P/AES 7" GZA'Z, ZAV THAE WOR//D 33 Is women's dearest wish hid in their love, To press a baby creature to my breast? Oh is it wrong? I would be all for him, Not even children coming 'twixt us two To call me from his service to serve them ; And maybe they would steal too much of love, For, since I cannot love him now enough, What would my heart be halved? Or would it grow P - But he perhaps would love me something less, Finding me not so always at his side. Together always, that was what he said; Together always. Oh dear coming days Oh dear dear present days that pass too fast, Although they bring such rainbow morrows on That pass so fast, and yet, I know not why, Seem always to encompass so much time. And I should fear I were too happy now, And making this poor world too much my Heaven, But that I feel God nearer and it seems As if I had learned His love better too. So late already | The sun dropping down, And under him the first long line of red— My truant should be here again by now, D 34 THE HAPP/EST GIRZ IN THE WORLD Is come maybe. I will not seek him, I; He would be vain and think I cared too much ; I will wait here, and he shall seek for me, And I will carelessly Oh, his dear step— He sees me, he is coming; my own love A CAST AWAY Poor little diary, with its simple thoughts, Its good resolves, its “Studied French an hour,” “Read Modern History,” “Trimmed up my grey hat,” “Darned stockings,” “Tatted,” “Practised my new song,” “Went to the daily service,” “Took Bess soup,” “Went out to tea.” Poor simple diary And did / write it? Was I this good girl, This budding colourless young rose of home P Did I so live content in such a life, Seeing no larger Scope, nor asking it, Than this small constant round—old clothes to * mend, New clothes to make, then go and say my prayers, Or carry soup, or take a little walk 36 A CASTA WA V And pick the ragged-robins in the hedge? Then, for ambition, (was there ever life That could forego that?) to improve my mind And know French better and sing harder songs; For gaiety, to go, in my best white Well washed and starched and freshened with new bows, And take tea out to meet the clergyman. No wishes and no cares, almost no hopes, Only the young girl’s hazed and golden dreams That veil the Future from her. So long since : And now it seems a jest to talk of me As if I could be one with her, of me Who am . . . me. And what is that? My looking-glass Answers it passably; a woman sure, No fiend, no slimy thing out of the pools, A woman with a ripe and Smiling lip That has no venom in its touch I think, With a white brow on which there is no brand ; A woman none dare call not beautiful, Not womanly in every woman’s grace. Aye, let me feed upon my beauty thus, A CAS 7.4 WA Y 37 Be glad in it like painters when they see At last the face they dreamed but could not find Look from their canvas on them, triumph in it, The dearest thing I have. Why, 'tis my all, Let me make much of it: is it not this, This beauty, my own curse at once and tool To snare men's souls, (I know what the good say Of beauty in such creatures) is it not this That makes me feel myself a woman still, With still some little pride, some little— Stop ! “Some little pride, some little”—Here’s a jest What word will fit the sense but modesty P A wanton I, but modest Modest, true; I’m not drunk in the streets, ply not for hire At infamous corners with my likenesses Of the humbler kind; yes, modesty's my word— 'Twould shape my mouth well too, I think I’ll try: “Sir, Mr. What-you-will, Lord Who-knows-what, My present lover or my next to come, Value me at my worth, fill your purse full, For I am modest; yes, and honour me As though your schoolgirl sister or your wife Could let her skirts brush mine or talk of me ; 38 A CAS 74 WA Y For I am modest.” Well, I flout myself: But yet, but yet— Fie, poor fantastic fool, Why do I play the hypocrite alone, Who am no hypocrite with others by ? Where should be my “But yet” P I am that thing Called half a dozen dainty names, and none Dainty enough to serve the turn and hide The one coarse English worst that lurks beneath : Just that, no worse, no better. And, for me, I say let no one be above her trade; I own my kindredship with any drab Who sells herself as I, although she crouch In fetid garrets and I have a home All velvet and marqueterie and pastilles, Although she hide her skeleton in rags And I set fashions and wear cobweb lace : The difference lies but in my choicer ware, That I sell beauty and she ugliness; Our traffic's one—I’m no sweet slaver-tongue To gloze upon it and explain myself A sort of fractious angel misconceived— A CAS 7"A WA Y 39 Our traffic's one : I own it. And what then P I know of worse that are called honourable. Our lawyers, who with noble eloquence And virtuous Outbursts lie to hang a man, Or lie to save him, which way goes the fee: Our preachers, gloating on your future hell For not believing what they doubt themselves: Our doctors, who sort poisons out by chance And wonder how they'll answer, and grow rich : Our journalists, whose business is to fib And juggle truths and falsehoods to and fro: Our tradesmen, who must keep unspotted names And cheat the least like stealing that they can : Our—all of them, the virtuous worthy men Who feed on the world's follies, vices, wants, And do their businesses of lies and shams Honestly, reputably, while the world Claps hands and cries “good luck,” which of their trades, Their honourable trades, barefaced like mine, All secrets brazened out, would shew more white P And whom do I hurt more than they P as much P The wives? Poor fools, what do I take from them Worth crying for or keeping P If they knew What their fine husbands look like seen by eyes That may perceive there are more men than one ! 4O A CASTA WA V But, if they can, let them just take the pains To keep them : 'tis not such a mighty task To pin an idiot to your apron-string; And wives have an advantage over us, (The good and blind ones have) the smile or pout Leaves them no secret nausea at odd times. Oh, they could keep their husbands if they cared, But 'tis an easier life to let them go, And whimper at it for morality. Oh I those shrill carping virtues, safely housed From reach of even a smile that should put red On a decorous cheek, who rail at us With such a spiteful scorn and rancorousness, (Which maybe is half envy at the heart) And boast themselves so measurelessly good And us so measurelessly unlike them, What is their wondrous merit that they stay In comfortable homes whence not a soul Has ever thought of tempting them, and wear No kisses but a husband's upon lips There is no other man desires to kiss— Refrain in fact from sin impossible? How dare they hate us so P what have they done, What borne, to prove them other than we are P What right have they to scorn us—glass-case Saints, Dianas under lock and key—what right A CAS 7.4 WA Y 4. I More than the well-fed helpless barn-door fowl To scorn the larcenous wild-birds P Pshaw, let be Scorn or no scorn, what matter for their scorn ? I have outfaced my own—that's harder work. Aye, let their virtuous malice dribble on— Mock Snowstorms on the stage—I’m proof long since : - I have looked coolly on my what and why, And I accept myself. Oh I'll endorse The shamefullest revilings mouthed at me, Cry “True ! Oh perfect picture | Yes, that's I | * And add a telling blackness here and there, And then dare swear you, every nine of ten, My judges and accusers, I’d not change My conscience against yours, you who tread out Your devil's pilgrimage along the roads That take in church and chapel, and arrange A roundabout and decent way to hell. Well, mine's a short way and a merry one : So says my pious hash of ohs and ahs, Choice texts and choicer threats, appropriate names, (Rahabs and Jezebels) some fierce Tartuffe 42 - A CASTA WA Y Hurled at me through the post. We had rare fun Over that tract digested with champagne. Where is it? where's my rich repertory Of insults Biblical? A prey on souls’— Only my men have oftenest none I think: ‘A snare the simpſe ones'—but in these days There seem to be none simple and none snared And most men have their favourite sinnings planned To do them civilly and sensibly : “A braid my hair'—but braids are out of date : “A paint my cheeks’—I always wear them pale : * / ? Pshaw the trash is savourless to-day : One cannot laugh alone. There, let it burn. What, does the windy dullard think one needs His wisdom dove-tailed on to Solomon's, His threats out-threatening God’s, to teach the news That those who need not sin have safer souls P We know it, but we’ve bodies to save too; And so we earn our living. Well lit, tract At least you've made me a good leaping blaze. Up, up, how the flame shoots and now 'tis dead. Oh proper finish, preaching to the last— No Such bad omen either ; sudden end, A CASTA WA Y 43 And no sad withering horrible old age. How one would clutch at youth to hold it tight ! And then to know it gone, to see it gone, Be taught its absence by harsh careless looks, To live forgotten, Solitary, old-– The cruellest word that ever woman learns. Old—that's to be nothing, or to be at best A blurred memorial that in better days There was a woman once with such a name. No, no, I could not bear it: death itself Shows kinder promise . . . even death itself, Since it must come one day— Oh this grey gloom This rain, rain, rain, what wretched thoughts it brings Death : I’ll not think of it. Will no One come P 'Tis dreary work alone. Why did I read That silly diary P Now, sing-song, ding-dong, Come the old vexing echoes back again, Church bells and nursery good-books, back again Upon my shrinking ears that had forgotten— I hate the useless memories: 'tis fools' work 44 A CASTA WA Y Singing the hacknied dirge of ‘better days': Best take Now kindly, give the past good-bye, Whether it were a better or a worse. Yes, yes, I listened to the echoes once, The echoes and the thoughts from the old days. The worse for me: I lost my richest friend, And that was all the difference. For the world, I would not have that flight known. How they’d I'O2.I . “What Eulalie, when she refused us all, ‘Ill” and “away,’ was doing Magdalene, Tears, ashes, and her Bible, and then off To hide her in a Refuge . . . for a week l’ A wild whim that, to fancy I could change My new self for my old because I wished Since then, when in my languid days there comes That craving, like homesickness, to go back To the good days, the dear old stupid days, To the quiet and the innocence, I know 'Tis a sick fancy and try palliatives. What is it? You go back to the old home, And 'tis not your home, has no place for you, And, if it had, you could not fit you in it. And could I fit me to my former self? A CAS 7"A WA Y 45 If I had had the wit, like some of us, To sow my wild-oats into three per cents, Could I not find me shelter in the peace Of some far nook where none of them would come, Nor whisper travel from this scurrilous world (That gloats, and moralizes through its leers) To blast me with my fashionable shame? There I might—oh my castle in the clouds ! And where's its rent P—but there, were there a there, I might again live the grave blameless life Among such simple pleasures, simple cares: But could they be my pleasures, be my cares? The blameless life, but never the content— Never. How could I henceforth be content With any life but one that sets the brain In a hot merry fever with its stir P What would there be in quiet rustic days, Each like the other, full of time to think, To keep one bold enough to live at all? Quiet is hell, I say—as if a woman Could bear to sit alone, quiet all day, And loathe herself and sicken on her thoughts. They tried it at the Refuge, and I failed : I could not bear it. Dreary hideous room, Coarse pittance, prison rules, one might bear these 46 A CAS 7.4 WA Y And keep one's purpose ; but so much alone, And then made faint and weak and fanciful By change from pampering to half-famishing— Good God, what thoughts come ! Only one week In Ore And 'twould have ended : but in one day more I must have killed myself. And I loathe death, The dreadful foul corruption with who knows What future after it. Well, I came back, Back to my slough. Who says I had my choice? Could I stay there to die of some mad death P And if I rambled out into the world Sinless but penniless, what else were that But slower death, slow pining shivering death By misery and hunger P Choice what choice Of living well or ill P could I have that? And who would give it me? I think indeed If some kind hand, a woman's—I hate men— Had stretched itself to help me to firm ground, Taken a chance and risked my falling back, I could have gone my way not falling back : But, let her be all brave, all charitable, How could she do it? Such a trifling boon— A little work to live by, 'tis not much— And I might have found will enough to last : A CAS 7.4 WA Y 47 But where's the work P More sempstresses than shirts; And defter hands at white work than are mine Drop starved at last : dressmakers, milliners, Too many too they say ; and then their trades Need skill, apprenticeship. And who so bold As hire me for their humblest drudgery P Not even for scullery slut; not even, I think, For governess although they'd get me cheap. And after all it would be something hard, With the marts for decent women overfull, If I could elbow in and snatch a chance And oust some good girl so, who then perforce Must come and Snatch her chance among our crowd. Why, if the worthy men who think all's done If we’ll but come where we can hear them preach, Could bring us all, or any half of us, Into their fold, teach all us wandering sheep, Or only half of us, to stand in rows And baa them hymns and moral Songs, good lack, What would they do with us? what could they do? Just think 1 with were’t but half of us on hand To find work for . . . or husbands. Would they try To ship us to the colonies for wives? Well, well, I know the wise ones talk and talk: 48 A CA,S'7.4 WA Y “Here's cause, here's cure :” “No, here it is, and here : ” And find society to blame, or law, The Church, the men, the women, too few schools, Too many schools, too much, too little taught: Somewhere or somehow someone is to blame: But I say all the fault's with God himself Who puts too many women in the world. We ought to die off reasonably and leave As many as the men want, none to waste. Here's cause ; the woman's superfluity: And for the cure, why, if it were the law, Say, every year, in due percentages, Balancing them with males as the times need, To kill off female infants, 'twould make room ; And Some of us would not have lost too much, Losing life ere we know what it can mean. The other day I saw a woman weep Beside her dead child’s bed: the little thing Lay Smiling, and the mother wailed half mad, Shrieking to God to give it back again. I could have laughed aloud: the little girl Living had but her mother's life to live; There she lay smiling, and her mother wept To know her gone ! A CAS 7"A WA Y 49 My mother would have wept. Oh, mother, mother, did you ever dream, You good grave simple mother, you pure soul No evil could come nigh, did you once dream In all your dying cares for your lone girl Left to fight out her fortune helplessly That there would be this danger?—for your girl, Taught by you, lapped in a Sweet ignorance, Scarcely more wise of what things sin could be Than Some young child a Summer six months old, Where in the north the summer makes a day, Of what is darkness . . . darkness that will come To-morrow suddenly. Thank God at least For this much of my life, that when you died, That when you kissed me dying, not a thought Of this made sorrow for you, that I too Was pure of even fear. Oh yes, I thought, Still new in my insipid treadmill life, (My father so late dead), and hopeful still, There might be something pleasant somewhere in it, Some sudden fairy come, no doubt, to turn My pumpkin to a chariot, I thought then That I might plod and plod and drum the sounds Of useless facts into unwilling ears, E. 5O = A CAS 7.4 WA Y Tease children with dull questions half the day Then con dull answers in my room at night Ready for next day's questions, mend quill pens And cut my fingers, add up sums done wrong And never get them right; teach, teach, and teach— What I half knew, or not at all—teach, teach For years, a lifetime—// And yet, who knows? It might have been, for I was patient once, And willing, and meant well; it might have been Had I but still clung on in my first place— A Safe dull place, where mostly there were smiles But never merry-makings; where all days Jogged on Sedately busy, with no haste; Where all seemed measured out, but margins broad : A dull home but a peaceful, where I felt My pupils would be dear young sisters soon, And felt their mother take me to her heart, Motherly to all lonely harmless things. But I must have a conscience, must blurt out My great discovery of my ignorance And who required it of me? And who gained? What did it matter for a more or less The girls learnt in their schoolbooks, to forget In their first season P. We did well together: They loved me and I them : but I went off A CAS 7.4 WA Y 5 I To housemaid’s pay, six crossgrained brats to teach, Wrangles and jangles, doubts, disgrace . . . then this ; And they had a perfection found for them, Who has all ladies' learning in her head Abridged and Scheduled, speaks five languages, Knows botany and Conchology and globes, Draws, paints, plays, sings, embroiders, teaches all On a patent method never known to fail: And now they're finished and, I hear, poor things, Are the worst dancers and worst dressers out. And where's their profit of those prison years All gone to make them wise in lesson-books? Who wants his wife to know weeds' Latin names P Who ever chose a girl for saying dates? Or asked if she had learned to trace a map P Well, well, the silly rules this silly world Makes about women This is one of them. Why must there be pretence of teaching them What no one ever cares that they should know, What, grown out of the schoolroom, they cast off Like the schoolroom pinafore, no better fit For any use of real grown-up life, For any use to her who seeks or waits The husband and the home, for any use, For any shallowest pretence of use, To her who has them P Do I not know this, 52 A CASTA WA Y I, like my betters, that a woman’s life, Her natural life, her good life, her one life, Is in her husband, God on earth to her, And what she knows and what she can and is Is Only good as it brings good to him P Oh God, do I not know it? I the thing Of shame and rottenness, the animal That feed men's lusts and prey on them, I, I, Who should not dare to take the name of wife On my polluted lips, who in the word Hear but my own reviling, I know that. I could have lived by that rule, how content: My pleasure to make him some pleasure, pride To be as he would have me, duty, care, To fit all to his taste, rule my small sphere To his intention ; then to lean on him, Be guided, tutored, loved—no not that word, That lowed which between men and women means All selfishness, all cloying talk, all lust, All vanity, all idiocy—not loved, But cared for. I’ve been loved myself, I think, Some once or twice since my poor mother died, But cared for, never —that’s a word for homes, Kind homes, good homes, where simple children COIſle And ask their mother is this right or wrong, A CASTA WA Y 53 Because they know she's perfect, cannot err; Their father told them so, and he knows all, Being so wise and good and wonderful, Even enough to scold even her at times And tell her everything she does not know. Ah the sweet nursery logic Fool thrice fool Do I hanker after that too? Fancy me Infallible nursery saint, live code of law Me preaching ! teaching innocence to be good — A mother Yet the baby thing that woke And wailed an hour or two, and then was dead, Was mine, and had he lived . . . why then my Il2.I]]|C Would have been mother. But ’twas well he died : I could have been no mother, I, lost then Beyond his saving. Had he come before And lived, come to me in the doubtful days When shame and boldness had not grown one sense, For his sake, with the courage come of him, I might have struggled back. But how P But how P His father would not then have let me go : 54 A CAS 7.4 WA Y His time had not yet come to make an end Of my ‘for ever’ with a hireling's fee And civil light dismissal. None but him To claim a bit of bread of if I went, Child or no child: would he have given it me? He no ; he had not done with me. No help, No help, no help. Some ways can be trodden back, But never our way, we who one wild day Have given goodbye to what in our deep hearts The lowest woman still holds best in life, Good name—good name though given by the world That mouths and garbles with its decent prate, And wraps it in respectable grave shams, And patches conscience partly by the rule Of what one's neighbour thinks, but something more By what his eyes are sharp enough to see. How I could scorn it with its Pharisees, If it could not scorn me: but yet, but yet— Oh God, if I could look it in the face Oh I am wild, am ill, I think, to-night: Will no one come and laugh with me? No feast, No merriment to-night. So long alone ! Will no One come P At least there's a new dress To try, and grumble at—they never fit A CAS 7.4 WA Y 55 To one's ideal. Yes, a new rich dress, With lace like this too, that's a soothing balm For any fretting woman, cannot fail; I’ve heard men say it . . . and they know so well What's in all women's hearts, especially Women like me. No help no help no help How could it be? It was too late long since— Even at the first too late. Whose blame is that P There are some kindly people in the world, But what can they do P If one hurls oneself Into a quicksand, what can be the end, But that one sinks and sinks? Cry out for help ? Ah yes, and, if it came, who is so strong To strain from the firm ground and lift one out P And how, so firmly clutching the stretched hand As death's pursuing terror bids, even so, How can one reach firm land, having to foot The treacherous crumbling soil that slides and gives And sucks one in again P Impossible path ! No, why waste struggles, I or any one P What is must be. What then P I where I am, Sinking and sinking ; let the wise pass by And keep their wisdom for an apter use, Let me sink merrily as I best may, 56 A CAST4 WA Y Only, I think my brother—I forgot; He stopped his brotherhood some years ago— But if he had been just so much less good As to remember mercy. Did he think How once I was his sister, prizing him As sisters do, content to learn for him The lesson girls with brothers all must learn, To do without P I have heard girls lament That doing so without all things one would, But I saw never aught to murmur at, For men must be made ready for their work And women all have more or less their chance Of husbands to work for them, keep them safe Tike summer roses in soft greenhouse air That never guess 'tis winter out of doors: No, I saw never aught to murmur at, Content with stinted fare and shabby clothes And cloistered silent life to save expense, Teaching myself out of my borrowed books, While he for some one pastime, (needful, true, To keep him of his rank; ’twas not his fault) Spent in a month what could have given me My teachers for a year. 'Twas no one's fault: A CAS 7"A WA Y 57 For could he be launched forth on the rude Sea Of this contentious world and left to find Oars and the boatman's skill by some good chance? 'Twas no one's fault: yet still he might have thought Of our so different youths and owned at least 'Tis pitiful when a mere nerveless girl Untutored must put forth upon that sea, Not in the woman's true place, the wife's place, To trust a husband and be borne along, But impotent blind pilot to herself. Merciless, merciless—like the prudent world That will not have the flawed soul prank itself With a hoped second virtue, will not have The woman fallen once lift up herself . . . Lest she should fall again. Oh how his taunts, His loathing fierce reproaches, scarred and seared Like branding iron hissing in a wound ! And it was true—that killed me: and I felt A hideous hopeless shame burn out my heart, And knew myself for ever that he said, That which I was—Oh it was true, true, true. No, not true then. I was not all that then. Oh, I have drifted on before mad winds And made ignoble shipwreck; not to-day 58 A CAS 7"A WA Y Could any breeze of heaven prosper me Into the track again, nor any hand Snatch me out of the whirlpool I have reached; But then P - Nay, he judged very well: he knew Repentance was too dear a luxury For a beggar's buying, knew it earns no bread— And knew me a too base and nerveless thing To bear my first fault's sequel and just die. And how could he have helped me? Held my hand, Owned me for his, fronted the angry world Clothed with my ignominy P Or maybe Taken me to his home to damn him worse? What did I look for P for what less would serve That he could do, a man without a purse P He meant me well, he sent me that five pounds, Much to him then ; and, if he bade me work And never vex him more with news of me, We both knew him too poor for pensioners. I see he did his best ; I could wish now Sending it back I had professed some thanks. But there ! I was too wretched to be meek: It seemed to me as if he, every one, The whole great world, were guilty of my guilt, A CAS 7TA WA Y 59 Abettors and avengers: in my heart I gibed them back their gibings; I was wild. I see clear now and know one has one's life In hand at first to spend or spare or give Like any other coin; spend it, or give, Or drop it in the mire, can the world see You get your value for it, or bar off The hurrying of its marts to grope it up And give it back to you for better use P And if you spend or give, that is your choice; And if you let it slip, that's your choice too, You should have held it firmer. Yours the blame, And not another's, not the indifferent world’s Which goes on steadily, statistically, And count by censuses not separate Souls— And if it somehow needs to its worst use So many lives of women, useless else, It buys us of ourselves; we could hold back, Free all of us to starve, and some of us, (Those who have done no ill, and are in luck) To slave their lives out and have food and clothes Until they grow unserviceably old. Oh, I blame no one—scarcely even myself. It was to be: the very good in me Has always turned to hurt; all I thought right 6O A CASTA WA Y At the hot moment, judged of afterwards, Shows reckless. Why, look at it, had I taken The pay my dead child’s father offered me For having been its mother, I could then Have kept life in me—many have to do it, That swarm in the back alleys, on no more, Cold sometimes, mostly hungry, but they live— I could have gained a respite trying it, And maybe found at last some humble work To eke the pittance out. Not I, forsooth, I must have spirit, must have womanly pride, Must dash back his contemptuous wages, I Who had not scorned to earn them, dash them back The fiercer that he dared to count our boy In my appraising: and yet now I think I might have taken it for my dead boy's sake; It would have been his gift. But I went forth With my fine scorn, and whither did it lead P Money's the root of evil do they say? Money is virtue, strength : money to me Would then have been repentance: could I live Upon my idiot's pride P A CASTA WA Y 6I Well, it fell soon. I had prayed Clement might believe me dead, And yet I begged of him—That’s like me too, Beg of him and then send him back his alms | What if he gave as to a whining wretch That holds her hand and lies P I am less to him Than such a One ; her rags do him no wrong, But I, I wrong him merely that I live, Being his sister. Could I not at least Have still let him forget me P But 'tis past: And naturally he may hope I am long dead. Good God to think that we were what we were One to the other . . . and now ! FIe has done well; Married a sort of heiress, I have heard, A dapper little madam dimple cheeked And dimple brained, who makes him a good wife— No doubt she'd never own but just to him, And in a whisper, she can even suspect That we exist, we other women things: What would she say if she could learn one day She has a sister-in-law P So he and I Must stand apart till doomsday. But the jest, 62 A CAS 7.4 WA Y To think how she would look —Her fright, poor thing ! The notion —I could laugh Outright . . . or else, For I feel near it, roll on the ground and sob. Well, after all, there's not much difference Between the two sometimes. Was that the bell? Someone at last, thank goodness. There's a voice, And that’s a pleasure. Whose though P. Ah, I know. Why did she come alone, the cackling goose? Why not have brought her sister?—she tells more And titters less. No matter ; half a loaf Is better than no bread. Oh, is it you ? Most welcome, dear: one gets so moped alone. FADED AH face, young face, Sweet with unpassionate joy, Possessful joy of having all to hope— Rich, measureless, nameless, formless, aſ! to hope— Fair, happy, face with the girl’s questioning smile Expectant of an answer from the days, Fair, happy, morning, face who wast myself, Talk with me, with this later drearier self. Oftenest I dare not see thee: but alone, Thou and I in the quiet, while, without, Dim eve goes dwindling her hushed, hueless, light And makes the leaden dusk before the stars— While, if my duller eyes through envious tears Reply to thine, there's none at hand to note, Nor yet thyself, in the sad and pensive calm, Wilt flout me for my faded look of thee, As when thou mock'st me in the untender noon— While now we two a little time are one, Elder and girl, the blossoming and the sere, 64 AºA ZOAA) One blended, dateless, woman for an hour— Thou and I thus alone, I read from thee My lesson what I was ; which (ah, poor heart 1) Means trulier my lesson, bitter to learn, Of what I cease to be. Fie, cruel face Too Comely, thou. Thy round curves shame my cheeks; Thy gloss of almond-bloom in the March sun Affronts my hardened reds; thy satiny brow, Like Smooth magnolia petals warmly white, Enforces all my tale of fretted lines; The quivering woof of sunshine through thy hairs Shows mine's spent russets deader. All in thee That’s likest me to-day is proof the more Of my to-day’s unlikeness. Ah I have waned. As every summer wanes, that, all the while, Seems to grow still more summer, till, one day, The first dead leaves are falling and all's past. Myself has faded from me; I am old. Well, well, what's that to fret for P. Yet, indeed, 'Tis pity for a woman to be old. Youth going lessensus of more than youth : We lose the very instinct of our lives— Song-birds left voiceless, diswinged flies of the air. AºA ZOAZZO 65 And the loss comes so soon ; and ere we know : We have so many many after years, To use away (the unmarried ones at least) In only withering leisurely. Ah me ! Men jeer us clinging, clinging pitiably, To that themselves account whole all for us: Aye, but what man of them could bear, as we must, To live life's worth a stinted dozen years. And the long sequel all for learning age. Why, if we try to cheat the merciless world That bids us grow old meekly and to the hour, (Like babes that must not cry when bed-time comes) And, being old, be nothing—try, maybe, To cheat our lingering selves as if Time lingered— Is Our fault other than the toil in vain Of any shipwrecked swimmer who, miles from land, No sail in sight, breasts the resistless sea, And perishing will not perish P Oh, 'tis known How bankrupt men will hopelessly, impotent, Battle each inch with unforgiving ruin, Waste their tired brains on schemes a child should laugh at, Befool their hearts with more unbodied hopes Than shadows flung by momentary spray, Tease their unwilling faces into smiles And loathingly look contentment—but, at best, To gain some futile hour from certainty: F 66 - AºA ZOA: /O But we in our utter loss, outlawed from life, Irretrievable bankrupts of our very selves, We must give ruin welcome, blaze our fact Of nothingness—“good friends, perceive I am old ; Pray laugh and leave me.” We are fools, we sin, Abjectly, past all pardon, past all pity, We women, if we linger, if, maybe, We use our petty melancholy arts And are still women some filched year or two— Still women and not ghosts, not lifeless husks, Spent memories that slink through the world and breathe, As if they lived, and yet they know they are dead. Once, long ago, I dreamed I had truly died : My numb void body, in its winding-sheet, Lay ignorant, but I, grown viewlessness, Met my home's dear ones still ; I spoke, methought, Words which they marked not, smiled unanswered Smiles, And then I wept, and clung about their necks, Closer, with vain embracing; and one said (Another ghost, a voice, I searched not what) “Thou art all dead for them ; they cannot know,” And still replied “They felt not,” or “They heard not,” “They cannot, thou being dead,” until ere long AºA ZDA. ZD 67 The anguish of it waked me— to be thus, With them yet so forlorn of sense of theirs 'Twas in my happiest days, when, like new fronds Uncurling coil by coil on ferns in May And widening to the light and dews and air, The girl grows woman gladly, but, untold, That dream clung like a sorrow, and, for pity, I hoped the poor lone dead should bide apart, Never among their living. Like that dream, Lost and alone, I haunt our world to-day. How strange life is l—a woman's—if, I mean, One miss a woman's destiny and sole hope, The wife's dear service with its round of tasks And Sweet humilities and glad fatigues, And anxious joy of mothers—strange indeed To wait and wait, like the flower upon its stalk, For nothing save to wither And the while Knows she that she is waiting P Maybe, yes: And maybe, no. That new-made shallow lake, Asleep there in the park, knows not, asleep, It waits the brook next rain-fall shall let loose To brim it with full waters, bear it on Filling its further channel: girls so wait, Careless and calm, not judging what shall be ; Only they know life has not reached them yet, And till life come they’ll dream and laugh in the sun. 68 AºA ZOAA) And the sun shines, and the dumb days flit by And make no sign for working . . . till, at time, To her whom life and love need the voice comes Which names her wife among the happier many: And till to her, maybe, who not again Shall know rest and sweet dreams, nor in the world Call anywhere her home, nor laugh at ease, Nor spend her toils on those who'll love her for them, Dawns change and the hour of wonder while she wakes Alone in the eastwinds of a barren world : And till to her to whom life never comes, Whether by joy or sorrows or by toil, The sunshine has grown drought, the calm, decay; And there's the woman old. Poor imaged mock, Thou art more than I to-day; thou hast my right, My womanhood's lost right to meet pleased eyes And please by being happy. Many a time I note, forgotten, how thy youth, that lasts, Earns thee Companionship of lingering looks, Thy smile a tenderness whereof nought’s mine. Thou hast a being still ; but what am I? A shadow and an echo–one that was. Well, Time's thy tyrant too: there waits for thee In the sure end the day thou wilt have faded. AºA ZOAA) 69 Carelessly thou'lt be lifted from thy place, Too long usurped, where there’ll, room being given, Bloom some such other face, nor thine be missed— As a newer rose, alike as roses are, Makes us the self-same sweet as yesterday's— As in the river's stream an on-come wave, That is to pass, fills all the other filled That took the drift before it and has passed— As we have Our Succession, woman to woman, And so no Smiles are missed, there being enough. I shall not know it: winters of many years Before then long may have annulled my grave, My date may be so back past household talk 'Tis out of guess whose the vague counterfeit That on the canvas has past memory Smiled peering through the dirt-crust and the cracks. Yes; after me thou’lt years and years be thus, Be young, be fair, be, dumb unconscious toy, Beloved for youth and fairness; but at the end Age and decay for thee too. Face of mine, Forgotten self, thou art woman after all : Sooner or later we are one again : Both shall have had our fate . . . decay, neglect, Loneliness, and then die and never a one In the busy world the poorer for our loss. How dusk it is Have I sat indeed so long? 7o AºA DAZZO I had not marked. Time to have been long since In the merry drawing-room with its lights and talk And my young sisters' music. Hark! that's sweet. Maudie's clear voice sends me my favourite song, Filling my stillness here. She sings it well. [Exit.] A SOUL IN PRISON (Zhe ZX ubter lays aside his book.) “ANSWERED a score of times.” Oh, looked-for teacher, Is this all you will teach me? I in the dark Reaching my hand for you to help me forth To the happy Sunshine where you stand, “Oh shame, To be in the dark there, prisoned ” answer you ; “There are ledges somewhere there by which strong feet Might scale to daylight: I would lift you out With just a touch, but that your need’s so slight; For there are ledges.” And I grope and strain, Think I’ve found footing, and slip baffled back, Slip, maybe, deeper downwards. “Oh my guide, I find no ledges: help me : Say at least Where they are placed, that I may know to seek.” But you in anger, “Nay, wild wilful soul, Thou will rot in the dark, God's sunshine here "At thy prison's very lip : blame not the guide ; 72 A SO OZ, ZAV AA2/SOAV Have I not told thee there is footing for thee?” And so you leave me, and with even tread Guide men along the highway . . . where, I think, They need you less. - Say 'twas my wanton haste, Or my drowsed languor, my too earthward eyes Watching for hedge flowers, or my too rapt gaze At the mock sunshine of a sky-born cloud, That led me, blindling, here: say the black walls Grew round me while I slept, or that I built With ignorant hands a temple for my soul To pray in to herself, and that, for want Of a window heavenwards, a loathsome night Of mildew and decay festered upon it, Till the rotted pillars fell and tombed me in : Let it so be my fault, whichever way, Must I be left to die? A murderer Is helped by holy hands to the byway road That comes at God through shame; a thief is helped ; A harlot; a sleek cozener that prays, Swindles his customers, and gives God thanks, And so to bed with prayers. Let them repent— Nay, let them not repent—you'll say “These souls May yet be saved and make a joy in heaven: ” You are thankful you have found them, you whose charge A SOUL /AV AA’ ZSO/V 73 Is healing sin. But I, hundreds as I, Whose sorrow ’tis only to long to know And know too plainly that we know not yet, We are beyond your mercies. You pass by And note the moral of our fate: 'twill point A Sunday's sermon . . . for we have our use, Boggarts to placid Christians in their pews— “Question not, prove not, lest you grow like these : ” And then you tell them how we daze ourselves On problems now so many times resolved That you’ll not re-resolve them, how we crave New proofs as once an evil race desired New signs and could not see, for stubbornness, Signs given already. Proofs enough, you say, Quote precedent, “Hear Moses and the prophets.” I know the answer given across the gulf, But I know too what Christ did : there were proofs, Enough for John and Peter, yet He taught New proofs and meanings to those doubting two Who sorrowing walked forth to Emmaus And came back joyful. “They,” you’d answer me, If you owned my instance, “Sorrowed in their doubt, And did not wholly doubt, and loved.” 74 A SOUZ, ZAV PA2/SOAV Oh, men. Who read the age's heart in library books Writ by our fathers, this is how you know it! Do we say “The old faith is obsolete, The world wags all the better, let us laugh,” We of to-day ? Why will you not divine The fathomless sorrow of doubt? why not divine The yearning to be lost from it in love? And who doubts wholly P. That were not to doubt. Doubt's to be ignorant, not to deny: Doubt's to be wistful after perfect faith. You will not think that: you come not to us To ask of us, who know doubt, what doubt is, But one by one you pass the echoes on, Each of his own pulpit, each of all the pulpits, And in the swelling sound can never catch The tremulous voice of doubt that wails in the cold : You make sham thunder for it, to outpeal With your own better thunders. You wise man And worthy, utter honest in your will, I love you and I trust you : So I thought “Here's one whose love keeps measure to belief With onward vigorous feet, one quick of sight To catch the clue in scholars’ puzzle-knots, Deft to unweave the coil to its straight thread, A SOUV/, /AW AA’ ZSOAV 75 One strong to grapple vague Protean faith And keep her to his heart in one fixed shape, And living; he comes forward in his strength, As to a battlefield to answer challenge, As in a storm to buffet with the waves For shipwrecked men clutching the frothy crests And sinking; he is stalwart on my side— Mine, who, untrained and weaponless, have warred At the powers of unbelief, and am borne down— Mine, who am struggling in the sea for breath.” I looked to you as the sick man in his pain Looks to the doctor whose sharp medicines Have the taste of health behind them, looked to you For well, for a boon different from this. My doctor tells me “Why, quite long ago They knew your fever (or one very like) And they knew remedies, you’ll find them named In many ancient writers, let those serve : ” And “Thick on the commons, by the daily roads, The herbs are growing that give instant strength To palsied limbs like yours, clear such filmed sight: You need but eyes to spy them, hands to uproot, That’s all.” A//, truly. Strong accustomed eyes, 76 A SO Ú/, /AW AA’/SOAV Strong tutored hands, see for me, reach for me ! But there’s a cry like mine rings through the world, And no help comes. And with slow severing rasp At our very heart-roots the toothed question grates, “Do these, who know most, not know anything?” Oh, teachers, will you teach us? Growing, growing, Like the great river made of little brooks, Our once unrest swells to a smooth despair: Stop us those little brooks; you say you can. Oh, teachers, teach us, you who have been taught ; Learn for us, you who have learned how to learn : We, jostling, jostled, through the market world Where our work lies, lack breathing space, lack calm, Lack skill, lack tools, lack heart, lack everything, For your work of the studies. Such roughed minds We bring to it as when the ploughman tries His hard unpliant fingers at the pen ; - So toil and smudge then put the blurred scrawl by, Unfinished, till next holiday comes round. Thus maybe I shall die and the blurred scrawl Be still unfinished, where I try to write Some clear belief, enough to get by heart. Die still in the dark | Die having lived in the dark There's a sort of Creeping horror thinking that. A SOUL /AW PA2/SOAV 77 'Tis hard too, for I yearned for light, grew dazed, Not by my sight's unuse and choice of gloom, But by too bold a gazing at the sun, Thinking to apprehend his perfect light Not darkly through a glass. Too bold, too bold. Would I had been appeased with the earth's wont Of helpful daily Sunbeams bringing down Only so much heaven's light as may be borne— Heaven's light enough for many a better man To see his God by. Well, but it is done: Never in any day shall I now be As if I had not gazed and seen strange lights Swim amid darknesses against the sky. Never : and, when I dream as if I saw, 'Tis dreaming of the sun, and, when I yearn In agony to see, still do I yearn, Not for the sight I had in happier days, But for the eagle's strong gaze at the sun. Ah, well ! that’s after death, if all be true. Nay, but for me, never, if all be true: I love not God, because I know Him not, I do but long to love Him—long and long With an ineffable great pain of void ; I cannot say I love Him : that not said, 78 A SOONZ, ZAV AA’/SOAV They of the creeds all tell me I am barred From the very hope of knowing. Maybe so; For daily I know less. 'Tis the old tale Of men lost in the mouldy vaults of mines Or dank crypt cemeteries—lamp puffed out, Guides, comrades, Out of hearing, on and on, Groping and pushing, he makes farther way From his goal of open daylight. Best to wait Till someone come to seek him. But the strain Of such a patience —and “If no one comes l’ He cannot wait. If one could hear a voice, “Not yet, not yet: myself have still to find What way to guide you forth, but I seek well, I have the lamp you lack, I have a chart: Not yet; but hope.” So might one strongly bear Through the long night, attend with hearkening breath For the next word, stir not but as it bade. Who will so cry to us? Or is it true You could come to us, guide us, but you will not P You say it, and not we, teachers of faith ; A SOUL /AV AR/SOAV 79 Must we believe you ? Shall we not more think Our doubt is consciousness of ignorance, Your faith unconsciousness of ignorance; So you know less than we ? My author here, Honest at heart, but has your mind a warp– The zealot's warp, who takes believed for proved; The disciple's warp, who takes declared for proved ; The teacher’s warp, who takes defined for proved, And cannot think “I know not” P Do you move One stumbling-block that bars out souls from Heaven P Your back to it, you say, “I see no stone; 'Tis a fool's dream, an enemy's false tale To hinder passengers.” And I who lean Broken against the stone P Well, learned man, I thank you for your book. 'Tis eloquent, 'Tis subtle, resolute; I like the roar Of the big battling phrases, like those frets Of hissing irony—a book to read. It helps one too—a sort of evidence— To see so strong a mind so strongly clasped To creeds whose truth one hopes. What would I more P 8O A SOUZ, ZAV AAEASOAV Tis a dark world, and no man lights another: 'Tis a dark world, and no man sees so plain As he believes he sees . . . excepting those Who are mere blind and know it. Here's a man Thinks his eyes' stretch can plainly scan out God, And he cannot plainly scan his neighbour's face— He'll make you a hobgoblin, hoofs and horns, Of a poor Cripple shivering at his door Begging a bit of food. We get no food; Stones, stones: but then he but half sees, he trows 'Tis honest bread he gives us. A blind world. Light ! light ! Oh God, whose other name is Light, If– Ay, ay, always if: thought’s cursed with ºffs. Well, where’s his book P-No “ifs” in that, I think: A readable shrewd book; 'twill win the critics. TIRED NO not to-night, dear child; I cannot go ; I’m busy, tired; they knew I should not come ; You do not need me there. Dear, be content, And take your pleasure; you shall tell me of it. There, go to don your miracles of gauze, And come and show yourself a great pink cloud. So, she has gone with half a discontent; But it will die before her curls are shaped, And she’ll go forth intent on being pleased, And take her ponderous pastime like the rest— Patient delightedly, prepared to talk In the right voice for the right length of time On any thing that anybody names, Prepared to listen with the proper calm To any Song that anybody sings; She like the rest, among the Seemly guests G 82 TVA’A. D Wedged in their chairs, all soberness and Smiles, One steady Sunshine like an August day: A band of very placid revellers, Glad to be there but gladder still to go. She like the rest ; it seems so strange to me, My simple peasant girl, my nature's grace, One with the others; my wood violet Stuck in a formal rose-box at a show. Well, since it makes her happier. True I thought The artless girl, come from her cottage home Knowing no world beyond her village streets, Come stranger into our elaborate life With such a blithe and wondering ignorance As a young child’s who sees new things all day, Would learn it my way and would turn to me Out of the Solemn follies “What are these ? Why must we live by drill and laugh by drill; May we not be ourselves then, you and I ?” I thought she would have nestled here by me “I cannot feign, and let me stay with you.” I thought she would have shed about my life The unalloyed sweet freshness of the fields, Pure from your cloying fashionable musks: But she “will do what other ladies do”— My Sunburnt Madge I saw, with skirts pinned up, Carrying her father's dinner where he sat TZAZAZ /O 83 To take his noon-day rest beneath the hedge, And followed slowly for her clear loud song. And she did then, she says, as others did Who were her like. 'Tis logical enough : As every woman lives, (tush as we all, Following such granted patterns for our souls As for Our hats and coats) she lived by rules How to be as her neighbours, though I, trained To my own different code, discerned it not (Mistaking other laws for lawlessness, Like raw and hasty travellers): and now Why should she, in a new world all unapt To judge its judgments, take so much on her She did not in her old world, pick and choose Her pleasures and her tastes, her aims, her faiths, Breaking her smooth path with the thorny points Of upstart questions? She is just a bird Born in a wicker cage and brought away Into a gilded one : she does not pine To make her nest in uncontrolled far woods, But, unconceiving freedom, chirrups on, Content to see her prison bars so bright. Yes, best for her ; and, if not best for me, I’ve my fault in it too : she's logical, But what am I, who, having chosen her 84 7/A2A.Z.) For being all unlike the tutored type, Next try and mould her to it—chose, indeed, My violet for being not a rose, Then bade it hold itself as roses do, That passers-by may note no difference? The peasant ways must go ; the homely burr, The quaint strong English—ancient classic turns Mixed up with rustic blunders and misuse, Old grammar shot with daring grammarlessness; The village belle's quick pertness, toss of head, And shriek of saucy laughter—graces there, And which a certain reckless gracefulness, Half hoydenish, half fawnlike, made in her Graces in even my sight . . . there; the ease Of quick companionship ; the unsoftened “no's"; The ready quarrels, ready makings up ; All these must go ; I would not have her mocked Among the other women who have learned Sweet level speech and quiet courtesies— And then they jarred upon me like the noise Of music out of rule, which, heard at first, Took the fresh ear with novel melody, But makes you restless, listened to too long, With missing looked-for rhythms. So I taught, Or let her learn, the way to speak, to look, To walk, to sit, to dance, to sing, to laugh, And then . . . the prized dissimilarity 7T/A2A2/D 85 Was Outer husk and not essential core: My wife is just the wife my any friend Selects among my any friend's good girls, (A duplicate except that here and there The rendering's faulty or touched in too strong); My little rugged bit of gold I mined, Cleared from its quartz and dross and pieced for use With recognized alloy, is minted down One of a million stamped and current coins. My poor dear Madge, it half seems treasonous To let regret touch any thought of you, Loyal and loving to me as you are ; And you are very very dear to me, I could not spare you, would not change your love To have the rich ideal of my hope In any other woman; as you are I love you, being you. And for the rest, If I, my theory’s too eager fool, Misread the freedom of blunt ignorance For one with freedom of the instructed will, And took yours for a nature made to keep Its hardiness in culture, gaining strength To be itself more fully; if I looked For some rare perfectness of natural gifts, Developing not changed, pruned and not dwarfed; If I believed you would be that to me 86 77/8 AE/D So many men have sung by women's names And known no woman for, where is your fault, Who did but give yourself as you were then— And with so true a giving P Violet, Whose is the blame if, rooted from your place Where you grew truly to your natural law, Set by my hand in artificial soil, Bound to unwonted props, whose blame if you Are not quite violet and not quite rose P She's happy though, I think: she does not bear The pain of my mistake, and shall not bear ; And she'll not ever guess of a mistake. Mistalle—’tis a hard word. Well, let it pass: It shall not wrong her : for was it in her Or in myself I was mistaken most P What, I who have been bold to hurl revolt At great Queen Bugaboo, Society, Did I not teach her suit and service first, Wincing when she infringed some useless law P Do I not wince to-day beside the fire At every word or gesture she shall use Not scheduled in the warrant what to do P Do I not bid her have the table thus, Assort such viands, use such furniture, Wear such a stuff at morning, such at night, ZT/ACA. ZO 87 All to the warrant of Queen Bugaboo, And feel a something missing when she fails, A discord setting all my teeth on edge P Why, what a score of small observances, Mere fashionable tricks, are to my life The butter on the bread, without which salve The bit's too coarse to swallow ; what a score Of other small observances and tricks, Worn out of fashion or not yet come in, Reek worse than garlic to my pampered taste, Making the wholesomest food too difficult And that which in an ancient yesterday Was but some great man's humour is to me Duty by rote to-day. I had not felt My own life that punctilious copy-book, Writ to stock patterns set to all a school, I have called usual lives, but my poor Madge Has unawares informed me of myself. We can no other ; ’tis as natural To men to take this artificial kind As to the flowers, which, grown in neighbour ranks, Taste the same winds and feed on the same soil, To take inoculation by the bees Of one another's dyes and be alike In new unlikeness to their primal types. Our gift is imitation and to share 88 7T/A2/2/D The subtle current of all sympathies; We breathe each other's thoughts, as in a crowd We breathe each other's breaths, unconsciously; And if there could be a mere human man To singly be creator, make the thing Which none has hoped for near him, say the thing Which none has thought beside him, were there one To be the god we claim in our rash word “Original,” needs were he such a one As we call Savage, One apart in woods And friendless deserts, planning by himself Some first instinctive art, or questioning Blank ignorance and wonder into thoughts. And as for us, the men who live in days When what the West has whispered finds the East Across an Ocean in a breath of time; When the old era's painful manuscripts, Too choice and rare for less than sages' needs, Reach the new era changed to daily showers Of schoolboys' text-books raining from the press; When we shake hands with our antipodes For being neighbour to us; when like streets Of the city where we are burghers half the world Is Our admitted home, the other half Our summer pleasure-grounds outside our walls; We who are scholars of all times and lands Must be content, each several man, to feel 7T/ACAF/D 89 We are no sovereign units, each to rule The small world of himself, but knitted links, One drawing on the other in a chain— A bondage say, but have we not its worth, Help, movement, and the chain grows lengthening on To span the universe P A braggart whim, Were it a possible, if any link, Breaking away from hundreds side by side, Would be a separate spangle. Yet, alack, Sometimes we links get drawn we know not where, But think there’s mud about us. Still, the chain Lies in God’s hands though the sly devil comes And gives a Crooked tug or so at times. Links in a chain—my metaphor goes well, Convinces me where first I was convinced— Links in a chain, drawing each other on : But never yet material metaphor Would fit a mind's whole thought, and the hitch COIY) eS Where I bid mine good-bye. Links in a chain, But what of hearts and wills that are in us, Hopes, aims, beliefs P must we go measuring them By “the world says,” “so other people think,” 90 7"/A&AE/D Dock our near tastes and natures to the shapes In common wear, make lay figures of our lives, As women of their bodies, to be decked And draped or trimmed and swathed or let go bare By strict indefinite despots out of sight? Why, let us have that freedom we accord Inanimate things to grow each to his kind And to his best, cattle and servile beasts To grow each to his kind and to his best ; But we—oh, monstrous folly—we, designed Each man so much unlike to all men else As one whole kind of beasts to other kinds, Must train and pattern our reluctant souls Into one liveried sameness Oh, I am tired Tired, tired, of this bland smiling slavery, Monotonous waste of life. And, while we fools Are making curtsies and brave compliments To our rare century, and, courtierly, Swaddling our strength in trammels of soft silk, The rotten depths grow rottener. Every day More crime, more pain, more horror. We are good No doubt, we “better classes”—oh, we boast Our modern virtues in the dead men's teeth That were our fathers—we are earnest now, And charitable, and we wash ourselves, 777A2AFZ) 9I And have a very fair morality; Most well brought up, in fine, of any men That any age has nurtured, and besides SO equal in Our manners and our coats: And then the classes which, though bettering, Are not quite “better’ yet, are the most shrewd, Most apt, most honest, most intelligent, That ever the world has held. True all of it For aught I know, some of it as I think, But underneath—great God, how many an hour Of souls are born as provender for hell Oh horrible days our goodness growing ripe, A spreading scent of sweets, but with no power To disinfect the spreading foulnesses; And by mere birth-rate vice made multiplex From the murk lanes, and from the fetid courts, And from the shameful dens where poverty Hobnobs with wolfish crime, out of the reek Of lust and filth, out of the festering homes Of pestilence and famine, the hoarse cry Grows multitudinous, the cavernous cry Of shame and ignorance, hunger and greed, Become despair and devilishness . . . And we Gravely thank God for culture and new lights 92 77/8 AE/D Most horrible days: and we who know the worst, (Or dream it, sitting in our easy chairs, Sorry that all men have not easy chairs,) And would do somewhat, do it all amiss. We pelt our broad-cast gold into the mire, Then comes a scramble, foul grows fouler yet; With a Samaritan hand we feed and feed The daughters of the horse-leech, drunkenness And dissolute idleness, that cry “give, give,” Sucking the life-blood from our people's heart; We pension beggars, buy the burglar tools And the sot gin, and pay the harlot's rent : Societies, committees, vestry rooms, With fingers in our purses lavish wealth, Past common counting, to keep up the tale Of pauper legions and bribe new recruits, Sow coins that, like the pestilent dragon's teeth, Bear us a poison-crop of human harm : All, all endeavours go, like witches' prayers, Backwards against the meaning and bring down The counter-curse of blessings that were asked. What should we do P I know not ; but I think There's moral in a hackneyed classic tale: When the great gulf still yawned, after the gold And treasures had been thrown, there came a man And gave himself, and then the great gulf closed. ZT/ACAA) 93 But how P how P And I know not ; but I think If the strong pith and freshness of our lives Were not so sucked and dried away, our span Not maimed and dwarfed, our sight not warped untrue, By eating Custom, petty disciplines, Footlight perspectives Cramped to suit our stage, If we were men, not types and portraitures And imitative shadows, some of us Might learn— Learn, learn, and if we learned, Saw by what boldness, or what sacrifice, Or what endurance, or what vehemence, The goal of our beginning might be reached, The padded skeleton we call the world, That mumming glib Duessa who usurps The true world’s rule and rights, would trip us up With half a league of silken barriers Too Soft for us to break, and breaking us. Oh, but I know it, I who time by time, Fierce with the turbulent goodness of my youth, Rushed to the clamorous call of new crusades, And time by time dropped baffled and worn weak Before a rampart as of dancing pumps, A wind as if it blew from ladies' fans, Till now I sit a weary man growing old 94 7TVA’AºA) Among the ruins of his purposes, Hopeless of any good to be by him. Oh, with how full a hope when morning glowed I donned my armour, who at night ride back Foolish and broken I have set myself To fight with shadows stronger than a man, Being impalpable and everywhere, And striking done no hurt but to myself; And I have ridden at ranks in adamant And fallen, strained and useless, under foot; And I have sieged impenetrable walls And waited day by day till I grew faint; And never have I triumphed in my cause, Whether it were a great one, or a dream, A pettish whim, or too divinely large: For if I strove against contagious ills Cankering the core of us, or but at spots That fleck the smooth gloss of our drawing-rooms, And if I rose to claim some wide desire Of general good, or but my own escape From some small prickings of our social gyves, Always I was against the multitude, Against strong Custom's army plodding On, Unconquerable, calm, like a great stream Whose power is that its waters drift one way. 7TWA’A. ZD 95 Tired, tired—grown sick of battle and defeat, Lying in harbour like a ship worn out By storms, and yet not patient of my rest: How if I went to some kind southern clime Where, as they say, lost in long summer dreams, The mind grows careless with sun-drunkenness And sleeps and wakens softly, like a child P Would Madge be over sorry to come out Into free loneliness with me a while P Clear tints and Sunshine, glowing seas and skies, Beauty of mountains and of girdled plains, The strangeness of new peoples, change and rest, Would these atone to her for so much lost Which she counts precious? For she loves that round Of treadmill ceremonies, mimic tasks, We make our women’s lives—Good heavens what work To set the creatures to, whom we declare God purposed for companions to us men . . . Companions to each other only now, Their business but to waste each other's time. So much to do among us and we spend So many human souls on only this In petty actress parts in the long game (Grave foolery like children playing School, Setting themselves hard tasks and punishments) 96 7T/ACA. ZO That lasts till death, and is Society: The Sunlight working hours all chopped and chipped In Stray ten minutes by some score of friends Who, vexed their friend's not out, come rustling in, By ones and twos, to say the weather's fine; Or paid away, poor Soul, on pilgrimage Reciprocally due to tell them so : Each woman owing tax of half her life As plaything for the others' careless hours, Each woman setting down her foot to hold Her sister tightly to the tethered round, Will she or nill she all with rights on each More than her own . . . and I might say than God’s, Since He made work the natural food of minds, Cheated of which they dwindle and go dead Like palsied limbs, and gives to each that sense Of beasts, who know their food, to know its work, Choosing the great or little. But myself, Have I befooled the instinct by warped use? For is not the fruit rotten I have found By all my labours, nothing to the world And to me bitterness? And I forget The strong joy of endeavour, and the fire Of hope is burned out in me; all grows dull, Rest is not rest and I am sick of toil : 777A2ZZO 97 I Count the cost, and— Ready, love, at last P Why, what a rosy June | A flush of bloom Sparkling with Crystal dews—Ah silly one, You love these muslin roses better far Than those that wear the natural dew of heaven. I thought you prettier when, the other day, The children crowned you with the meadow-sweets: I like to hear you teach them wild flowers’ names And make them love them ; but yourself— What's that P “The wild flowers in a room's hot stifling glare Would die in half a minute.” True enough : Your muslin roses are the wiser wear. Well, I must see you start. Draw your hood close : And are you shawled against this east wind's chills P COMING HOME FIVE minutes here, and they must steal two more Shameful | Here have I been five mortal years And not seen home nor one dear kindred face, - And these abominable slugs, this guard, This driver, porters—what are they about?— Keep us here motionless, two minutes, three.— Aha! at last ! Good We shall catch our minutes We're flying after them like a mad wind Chasing the leaves it has tossed on in front. Oh glorious wild speed what giants' play ! And there are men who tell us poetry Is dead where railways come 1 Maybe 'tis true, I’m a bad judge, I’ve had scant reading time And little will to read . . . and certainly I’ve not found railways in what verse I know : But there's a whizz and whirr as trains go by, CO////VG A# O//A2 99 A bullet-like indomitable rush And then all's done, which makes me often think One of those men who found out poetry, And had to write the things just that they saw, Would have made some of their fine crashing lines That stir one like the marches one knows best, And the enemy knows best, with trains in them As easily as chariots. Anyhow I’ve poetry and music too to-day In the very clatter : it goes “Home, home, home.” And they'll think that sharp shriek a kinder sound Than sweetest singing, when it presently Pierces the quiet of the night and sends Its eager shrillness on for miles before To say I’m no time distant. I can see My mother's soft pink cheeks (like roses pale After a June week's blooming) flush and wan, And her lip quiver; I can see the girls, Restless between the hall door and the clock, Hear it and hush and lean expectant heads To catch the rattle of the coming train ; My father, sitting pshawing by the fire At all the fuss and waiting, half start up, ... º.º. IOO CO////VG A#O//ZZ 4 & Dropping his Zºnes, forgetful just so long That he is not impatient like the rest, The tender foolish women, and, alert To hide how he was tempted to fuss too, Reseat himself intent on politics; And Hugh—I think Hugh must be there with them, On leave out of his parish for a day, A truant from the old women and the schools To be at home with me for long enough To say ‘God bless you' in-I can see Hugh, Narrow and straight in his skimp priestly coat, Pacing the room with slow and even steps, And a most patient face, and in his eyes That over patience we all know in them When he is being extra good and calm. So little change, they write me: all of them With the same faces, scarce a day's mark there— Except our little Maude who was a child And is a woman : little Maude grown tall: The little Maude I left half prude half romp, Who, eager for her grown-up dignities, Tried to forego her mischiefs and would turn, Just in their midst, portentously demure, Like a tired sleepy kitten, and to-day Wears all her womanhood inside her heart :::: ...And has none for her manners—some of it º e e º "e tº 2 tº e * tº e * º Jº º º CO///AWG AMO//Z. IOI For her sweet winsome face though ; and a look That's in her portrait brings my mother back, Though she's not like, they tell me. I shall see; Yes, I shall see soon ; almost now. Dear home, To think I am so near ! Ah, when I lay In the hot thirst and fever of my wound And saw their faces pressing into mine, Changing and changing, never a one would stay - So long that I could see it like itself, I scarcely hoped for this. And when I felt That tiring weakness of my growing strong, And was so helpless and the babyish tears Would come without a thought to make them come, I almost knew this day would never be : But, oh my happy fortune, not to die, Not even to come home among them then, With nothing done, a spoiled and worthless wreck For them to weep at softly out of sight, But to go stoutly to my post again, And do my stroke of work as a man should, And win them this. You little dingy cross, Less precious than my sleeve-links, what a worth I O2 CO//ZAVG AMO///2 Lies in your worthlessness: there's not a man But gladder lays you in his mother's hand, Or wife's, than he would bring her for his gift The whole great jewels of an eastern king, And not a woman but— * My mother, though— Sometimes she was not strong—have I been rash, Too thoughtless of her calm, not telling of it? No, I’ll not wear it on me, as I meant, To take her first dear kisses in : we'll talk Before I show it—in a day or two— Perhaps to-night. I know she'll prize it more That a life saved went to the winning it. And tender-hearted Ellen will forgive My part she shudders at in the red deaths Of battle-fields a little more for that— How sad her letters were ; I know she thinks We learn a heathenish passion after blood, And, as she said, “to throw our lives like dross Back in our Maker's face ’’: but by and by I’ll teach her how it is, and that we fight For duty, not like either fiends or fools. They say they are longing for my history, CO//ZAVG AMO//A2 IO3 Told by the fire of evenings; all my deeds, All my escapes, and I must clear their minds Of fifty puzzles of the journalists, Decide what's true, and make them understand The battles and the marchings: but my deeds Have been to just be one among us all Doing what we were bidden as we could, And my escapes must have been like the rest— One has no time to know them ; just that once, When I was dragging off the fallen boy, I knew what death was nearest as it missed, But I’ve no memory of more escapes . . . Except by being wounded, as they know ; And what can I explain of battle plans Made in the councils, whether kept or not I cannot tell? I only know my part And theirs with whom I waited at our post Or dashed on at the word; I could not mark The swaying of the squadrons, the recoils And shifting ground and sudden strategies, And had no duty to be watching them. No, I shall make them better out in print, And learn in our snug study what I saw Among the rush and Smoke. No, I come back No better talker than I was before, IO4 CO//VAWG. AſOA/A2 No readier and no deeper, not like Hugh, And I must use my unaspiring wits To say things as I see them, going straight; Just as a plain man's life does, tramping on The way that lies before one, with no whys. No 70% ys ; ah how that chance word takes me back To pinafore-time—my father's well-known phrase “No whying, boy, but do what you are bid.” And once my mother, when first Hugh began To be so clever, and had found it out And, pleased at it, perhaps a little pert, Was apt to hit on puzzles, answered him “Our nursery rule was good for afterwards, Spared headaches and spared heartaches, and, well kept, Made the best heroes and best Christians too.” How I can see Hugh looking down to say, In an odd slow tone, “I will remember that.” And well he has remembered ; never a man Went straighter into action than our Hugh ; He knows what side he’s on and stands to it: If I’d a head like his, and wished to change Soldiering for anything, I’d try to learn A parish parson’s work to do it like Hugh. CO//ZAVG ATO///º IO5 Will he read prayers to-night? I’d like to hear My father at it as it used to be Before we any of us went away— The old times back again. Oh, all of us Will say our prayers to-night out of glad hearts. Oh, thank God for the meeting we shall have Such joy among us ! and the country side All to be glad for us. Ah well, I fear There's one will shrink and sadden at my sight Among the welcomes and the happiness, Remembering that her husband was my friend, And dropped beside me. But I’ll go alone— Or maybe with my mother—to her house And let her have the pain more quietly, Before she sees me in our Sunday pew, With all the old friends smiling through the prayers And all but nodding, and a buzzing round Spoiling the parson's reading “Look,” and “Look,” “There's Master Harry come back from the war.” Oh, how my mother's eyes will turn to me, Half unawares, then fix upon her book That none may see them growing large and moist ; And how my father will look stern and frown, Hiding the treacherous twinkles with the shade Of knitted brows, lest any watching him IO6 CO//ZAVG AſO//Z Should think him moved to have his son by him, And proud like foolish fathers; but the girls Will be all smiles and flutter, and look round Elate as if no other girls before Had had a soldier brother. And old Will, Out of his corner by the vestry door, Will peer and blink and suck his grins in tight, Trying to mind the sermon and not think What sport he has for me in the preserves. Plenty of birds this year, my father writes; We'll see next week, and There's the long shrill yell! Home ! all but home ! Oh there, between the trees, That light, our house—they’re waiting for me there. IN AN ALMSHOUSE OH the dear summer evening ! How the air Is mellow with the delicate breath of flowers And wafts of hay scent from the sunburnt swathes: How the glad song of life comes everywhence, From thousand harmless voices—from blithe birds That twitter on incessant sweet good-nights, From homeward bees that through the clover tufts Stray booming, pilfering treasures to the last, From sleepless crickets clamouring in the grass To tell the world they’re happy day and night, From the persistent rooks in their high town, From sheep in far-off meadows: life, life, life, That is the song they sing, and to my mind The song is very happy, very good. My God, I thank thee I have known this life, Io8 AV AAV AZA/SAMO O.S.A.' Although, I doubt not, dying I shall learn How greater and how happier is death. Oh beautiful and various earth of ours, How good God made thee. Ah, I have lost much, Mine is a very grey and dim earth now, But I can feel and hear and take in so The joy of present beauty to my soul, And then I see it there. Oh, strange blurred mists That mean the sky to me, my twilight eyes Discern no more than you, but I see more ; I see this gold and glowing Sunset spread, And break the pale blue sky with flashing clouds, I see the shadows soften on the hills, And the green summits brighten one by one And purple in the nightfall one by one. Oh, seeing can be done without the eyes. Are those St. Mary's church-bells in the town P How far sound spreads to-night ! St. Mary's bells, Chiming for evensong. I would the way Were not so over long for feeble limbs, And that the pathway and the still canal Had not so like a glimmer in the dusk ; For I could gladly feel the peace of prayer Among the others in the quiet church, With silent graves seen through the open door, AV AAV AZA/SA/O ÚSAE IO9 And rustling heard of slowly stirring leaves. And then 'tis pleasant too to hear the rhythm Of scholars’ English and of words in books: 'Tis like the voice of some rare foreign tongue Familiar once and loved, that, howso heard, Takes the glad ear with sweetness of old wont. Oh, there's no sermon now so trite and crude But makes for me a sort of literature: 'Tis my one echo now from that far world Where books are read and written, my world once ; I listen as one listens, note by note, To some great symphony one knows by heart, Played powerlessly, uncertainly, with change And thinner chords to suit a learner's hand, Listening with pleasure part for what there is And more for what there should be and what was When long ago one used to hear the strain : I seem to love words now because they are words. Not that I’ll call our Vicar's sermon words: No, no ; he loves his God and loves his poor; He makes his life one task of doing good ; Can such a man speak idly P What he does Is proof to what he urges, his week's life Soul to his Sunday preachings, his shown faith The key to his expoundings; one may learn From such a man more things than he can teach. I IO A/V A/V AZA/SA/O USA. Alas, the busy patience of his life, Eager and resolute for little things, Strenuous on petty labours, which no voice Shall ever herald past the parish bounds, Which maybe those who see them do not see And those whose gain they are know not for gain, Does it not twit me with my languid years Drifted along expectant of a day When all my world should thank me I had waked P My world—ah, after all, a lesser one Than I discerned when I was of it still, My world of men who learn and teach and learn, And then have only learned and taught and learned— My world that has forgotten me, a waif Floated away from it on too rough tides, Left spoiled and stranded to drop piece by piece. Ah me, the difference : I have not known What envy means unless I know it now When, in my helplessness, sick, blind, and poor, Past all fulfilling now, with nought fulfilled, I see our Vicar, with his cheery look, Hurried and overladen with small cares, Glad in his work because it is his work. And he'll not envy me my garnered lore, Stored up for moth and mildew ; what to him Is any wisdom but to work and pray ? AV A/V A/.//SA/OO.S./2. III The denizens of our rustic market town, Which ignorant strangers take, and break our hearts, For just a village, know no Tübingen, Have never heard of varying codices, Love, or love not, the Christ of Luke and John, And have no guess of Renan’s ; to their minds Belief and unbelief are simplest things, Mere Yes and No, and God must side with Yes, As kings must with the loyal. But the love That comes of faith and faith that comes of love, They can learn those of him and he can teach, That plain man, ignorant of philosophies But wise enough to do good all the day. Ah, why was I too weak for such a life, Which once I might have chosen P A high life, Full of most blessed service. But I thought It was not. my life meant for me by God: And now I know not what I should have done, Only I mourn that I have lived in vain, Still daily dreaming some completed task That never was begun, still waiting force Of impulse more than mine to waken mine, Still dimly pondering “Shall IP Can I? How P” And waiting to be ready to begin. II 2 AV A/V AZ//S//O USA. Ah, tardy useless labourer in the fields Who waits to think what weed he shall rout first ; Ah, laggard Sailor who will not put out Till the direct fair wind sets for his port. And time will never linger, and the world Can wait for no man, must have its wants fed At the want’s birth-cry—Soldiers, to the gap On the hot instant, else no need of you, No space for you to stand in. Long long since I thought to have been somewhat, to perhaps Set Some regardful honour round my name, But surely to receive a destined place, A part among the workers : for it seemed To have so far uptrodden, half alone, From peasant lowliness should prelude me A future as of one of whom they say “So low he was " to show how high he is. Dreams, dreams I never had the pith, the sap, The strong aspiring pulses; I was one To think, and shiver by the study fire, “Outside is the cold boisterous sea of life Where I will plunge to-morrow and snatch pearls, To wait like a late sleeper in the morn, That with a drowsy logic lulls himself, Chiding his tardiness on their delay Who will not come to tell him it is time. }} AV AAV AZA/SA/OO.S.A. II.3 And yet I did not sleep ; no, to my thought I always was at School for work to come : But these days leave us little schooling time. Long since, and when the wisdom of the wise Was to accept to ſize one with to learn, And men might find their work for half a life In thinking silent, and the other half In thinking out aloud, those were my days I should have lived in : I came out of date: Like a reprinted tome of theories Made reasonably ere the science shaped, Which all uncut stands on the library shelf Amid new essays on the daily art Born long since of the Science, and men say “”Tis learned, curious, looks well on the shelf.” And take its slighter useful neighbour down, So I showed wise and useless to the world. Wise with the old-world wisdom grown unapt To this changed morrow, for the lesson now Is to accept ſo live one with to do— The wisest wisdom plainly in this stir, This over-crowding, this hot hurrying on, That make a tempest of our modern days. This anxious age is driven half mad with work, It bids us all work, work : no need, no room For contemplating sages that count life I II 4 AV AAV AZA/SATO OVSAE A time allowed for solving problems in And its own self a problem to be solved ; On in the rush, or be swept out of sight, On in the rush and find your place and work. 'Tis right, 'tis very right; not only ours To fit what state God gives us, but what times; And he who is thrown out in a fierce race Can hardly chide, “The others ran too fast.” And, as for me, if I grow old alone, Hid out of memory of springtime peers, And have my roof and food by dead men's alms, It is that I have been an alien son, A dronish servant careful of his ease, To the master-Present, the strong century That gave our lives and will have use of them. I knew it always, but still, while I thought “To-morrow I go forth,” the sudden Now Had gone before I judged it had been there: I knew it always, but the stealthy years Slid on while I was busy at my books, And when I, startled, waked and saw it time, Lo, the “Too late” which God has spoken me In blindness and in sickness. A strange life; JAV AAV AZA/SATO USA. 115 Fair bud, fair blossom, never perfect fruit; The river that seemed destined to push on Long eager miles among its busy mills, Among its teeming meadows and its towns, Hemmed stagnant by some little feeble dykes, Some trivial sand-mounds barred against its way, And rounding to an issueless dull pool. And yet, but for that wondering vague remorse Not to have been one stronger than myself, I look back very kindly on my life, So changeful yet so still, not sorrowless And yet not sad ; I love to think of it And tell it to myself like an old tale Dear for its homely long-familiar turns. Oh, often I, the grey-haired palsied man, Am yet again the child beneath the hedge, The village urchin, truant to his task Of scaring crows, to con a dog's-eared book, Stealing his indolent, scholar's, luxury By naughty half-hours through the lonely day. Oh happy child, I never saw my guilt Nor dreamed of trust betrayed and pence ill-earned, And it was such a joy to learn and pore And read great words and wonder what they meant, And sometimes see, as if a faint new star Dawned on One through a dusky gap at night, I IG AV AAV AZA/SATO OVSAE A sudden meaning breaking on the doubt: Poor as I was, ill cared for, with no kin But the sharp stepmother who, good at heart, For widow’s duty called me hers, not love, And little Grace, the toddling sister thing She'd not let love me and not let me touch, Who learned to scold me in her sweet babe's lisp And would not kiss me even when we played, No friends, no playmates, every way alone, Yet ’twas a happy boyhood; not forlorn With the thumbed book for gossip, not forlorn With all the outdoor world for company. Oh, many and many a balmy eve like this, Beside my pollard willows by the brook, I sat and watched the greyness creeping on, Thinking 'twas pity days must end in nights And one must sleep away so many hours, Losing such sweetness of the summer time. Dulled wistful eyes, you cannot show me now The brown-ribbed hill behind whose rounded slope |My village stands among its pasture fields; Last year I still could find it, where to me It seemed a smooth dusk cloud against the sky, Could say “there lies my home,” and fancy out The well-known landmarks, and go step by step Mind-pilgrimage among the dear old haunts; AV AAV AZA/SAAO USA. I 17 But now the hill and sky are both one haze, The dusk cloud's place is lost in larger dusk. Well, well, 'tis present to me none the less, And I am glad to feel it near in sight With its white winding road that, from the top, Looks on my home, and sudden Slants to it. My home ! and now 'tis twenty years and more Since I have journeyed down the slanting road And seen our envied boasts, the bridge and spire; Yes, twenty years and odd since the last time, And then they called me stranger; yet I feel My true home there. Not in my happy town, My placid scholars'-town of colleges, Where the smooth river, lagging by its elms, Bears on its painted breast oriels and towers And grey monastic courts made reverend With elder learning and historic lives; Not in my Cornish schoolhouse near the rocks, Where from the granite headland, with its crown Of glossy sward and wee white heather bloom And rare and southern wildflowers of the moors, One looked on the illimitable plain, The vague mysterious ocean stretching forth Into the space and silence of the sky; Not in the city of the million homes, The throbbing heart of England—No, not there, I 18 AV AAV AZ/ZSHOUSA, How could I find home there?—those pent black streets, That skyless prison room, where day by day My heart and head grew number, day by day I and my Schoolboys seemed to grow less apt, That whirr and whirl of traffic, ceaseless change Of unknown faces thronging to and fro ! My life went shrivelling there as if one brought Some thirsty field plant maimed of half its root Amid a ball-night glare of flashing lamps. And if I, even in this haven nook, Sheltered out of the cold winds of the world, If here on the free hill-side, with the sounds Of woodland quiet soothing in my ears, Here where the dear home breezes blow to me Over the well-known meadows, I have longed Like a sick schoolboy for his mother's face, To look on my remembered trees and fields, To touch them, to feel kin with them again, How else could it be with me in the din, The blackness, and the crowding? Oh my heart, How faint it grew long ere I grew all faint; Long ere there came this swift decrepitude Of too usurping age forestalling time; How desolate I felt, like a man wrecked AV AAV AZA/SA/O OVSAE I IQ On some far island in a burning clime Where every voice clangs strangely, and all thoughts Come to him yet more foreign than the words, And very kindness wears unhomeliness; How in my weariness I grew to loathe Those prison bars of roofs across the sky. Well, when He pleased, God gave me the release Gave His good way not mine, I thank Him for it. Yes, it is well with me : life grows mere rest— I sit apart and I am done with the world, No hopes, no fears, no changes; I have lost All share in aims and duties, like a tool Blunted with little use I am laid by Never to serve again ; I sit apart Useless, forgotten, a lone purblind man Hid in an almshouse—but the rest is good, Is very peaceful, and I feel God near, Near as I never knew Him in old days When yet I thought I loved Him. Did I not P Was it because I did not love Him then I could not choose His service P It seems strange : They all said I was fit, they urged me to it: And there on one hand was my worldly ease And (if I were fit) service to my God, On the other, chance and my poor single strength I 20 AV AAV AZ /l/SA/O USA. To wrest a pittance from the world's clenched hand : Yes, one might say it had been granted me To choose both God and Mammon virtuously : And yet I could not—never might my lips Have spoken the great answers “Christ has called,” “The Holy Ghost has moved me.” Day by day I urged myself, I prayed to hear the call, And the call came not. Was it want of love P And would my warmer heart have been more brave, And known a summons where I did not know P Ah no, there was no need for such as I, Who have no ministering gift, no rule on minds. Oh, the poor souls had perished which must lean On such a pastor ; I who never found The teacher's common secret how to write The accurate human lore on willing minds, How could I teach God’s mysteries of love? How could I force rebellious hearts to know P I who must reason with myself an hour To cross a room and give a friend good-day, Where were my ready words to greet the poor, My instant tact, my sympathy, command P Oh, rather was I one to be content, To be most happy, cloistered in the peace Of some grey convent where the even hours Go measured out by prayers and each still day AV 24 AV AZ//SHOUSE I2 I Melts stealthily to night and has but seen Change between chapel and the studious cell. Had such a life been granted by my creed I could have snatched at it . . . yes, even then Before the silent too delusive hope Died at her careless bidding. Susan Lee, You never guessed, I but half knew myself, How close a part you had of all my life From the first time my schoolboy heart grew proud To feel itself beat quicker at a smile. I loved you patiently, content to dream What happy fireside future should be ours If you should ever love me; afterwards I sorrowed patiently ; and in both whiles Lived in my peace as if you had not been ; But yet you always have been part of me, I cannot think upon my earlier self And not remember you. It was but chance That you were near me, following up the brook For water-cresses, on that birthday morn Of my new life when, as I basked and read, The young squire's tutor stopped to see my book And sat with me beneath my willow tree; It was but chance that for your good-girl treat You went a twelve miles' journey to your aunt's I 22 AV A/V AZA/SA/OO.S.A. And saw the prize-day splendours of our school, Where I stood in my class-boy eminence (A shamefaced hero, conscious of renown, And bearing such a greatness bashfully) And that your face, set in a window frame, Was still the one I saw when I looked up ; It was but chance that made your merry voice The one to greet me first when, all elate With budding freshman triumphs of first term, I came back to Our village . . . where, good lack, I found small reverence for my dignities, And no one turned to watch me as I walked ; It was but chance that I could see you lead A romping battle, armed with pelts of hay, Against my Gracie and her rival band The time I got the germ and ringingest lines Of the Greek ode which gained my earliest prize; It was but chance made Gracie's letter come Talking of only you the selfsame day I heard my name sound in the topmost list, The very roll of fame as I thought then— Maybe I thought it too long afterwards, Poor lad who fancied I had won a race Because I gained a vantage post to start; Yes, chance and only chance so mingles you With the young promise halos, but you stand Always a star behind them shining through, A/V A/V AZA/SA/O O'S/2 I23 And though I once was sad because of you I have my happy memories of you now. They said you were not pretty, owed your charms To choice of ribbons from your father's shop, But, as for me, I saw not if you wore Too many ribbons or too few, nor sought What charms you had beyond that one I knew, The kind and honest look in your grey eyes. Well, you chose fitlier; and you prosper well, And I can fancy you in your content, A busy prudent farmwife all the week And wearing silk on Sundays when you go To church among your children, proud to take Your husband's arm . . . a man who holds his own And rents a few more acres every year. And Grace chose wisely too, the wilful girl I would have made a lady of—not she, She would not stay at school, she would not learn Your monkey French, she would not chirp words Small Like twittering birds, she would not crochet lace; And she would marry sturdy William Ford ; So found some rainy days at first, 'tis true, But they both took them with a cheery leart, I 24 AV AAV 4///SA/O ÚSAE And now she writes from their far western home That all goes well with them and, as for her, She's happier than a queen the whole day through, And all the bairns as fresh as buttercups. 'Tis far away, my Gracie, far from me : I’d like to feel your hand in mine at last, For I have only you, and, as I think, You bear a kind heart to me; but that's vain, There’ll be no meeting for us in this world. But by and by, my Gracie, by and by. Aye, there's the answer to one's every want, One’s every doubt, that promise ày and by ; It gives this life a beauty, as the glimpse Between near hills of the great open sea Gives to some inland nook among the woods; It is the full completed melody The shifting prelude hints at. Life is good, But most because, in its best perfectness, It comes like memory of that other life We have not known, but shall. What, little one, My truant playmate, “Mother gives you leave To come and say good-night for half an hour”: AV AAV AZA/SAE/O USA. I25 Well; on my knee—so. Stories must it be P “The story about Jesus”? Yes, my child, That is the best one . . . story of our peace; You'll know that some day, maybe. Now begins. . A PREACHER “Aest that by any means When / have preached to offers / myself Should be a castazvay.” If someone now Would take that text and preach to us that preach,- Someone who could forget his truths were old And what were in a thousand bawling mouths While they filled his—someone who could so throw His life into the old dull skeletons Of points and morals, inferences, proofs, Hopes, doubts, persuasions, all for time untold Worn out of the flesh, that one could lose from mind How well one knew his lesson, how oneself Could with another, maybe choicer, style Enforce it, treat it from another view And with another logic—someone warm With the rare heart that trusts itself and knows Because it loves—yes, such a one perchance, With such a theme, might waken me as I A PA2AA CA/AA’ 127 Have wakened others, I who am no more Than steward of an eloquence God gives For others’ use not mine. But no one bears Apostleship for us. We teach and teach Until, like drumming pedagogues, we lose The thought that what we teach has higher ends Than being taught and learned. And if a man Out of ourselves should cry aloud, “I sin, And ye are sinning, all of us who talk Our Sunday half-hour on the love of God, Trying to move our peoples, then go home To sleep upon it and, when fresh again, To plan another sermon, nothing moved, Serving our God like clock-work sentinels, We who have souls ourselves,” why I like the rest Should turn in anger: “Hush this charlatan Who in his blatant arrogance assumes Over us who know our duties.” Yet that text Which galls me, what a sermon might be made Upon its theme ! How even I myself - Could stir some of Our priesthood Ah but then Who would stir me? I know not how it is ; I take the faith in earnest, I believe, I28 A PA’AºA CAEWAEA’ Even, at happy times, I think I love, I try to pattern me upon the type My Master left us, am no hypocrite Playing my Soul against good men's applause, Nor monger of the Gospel for a cure, But serve a master whom I chose because It seemed to me I loved him, whom till now My longing is to love; and yet I feel A falseness somewhere clogging me. I seem Divided from myself; I can speak words Of burning faith and fire myself with them ; T can, while upturned faces gaze on me As if I were their Gospel manifest, Break into unplanned turns as natural As the blind man's cry for healing, pass beyond My bounded manhood in the earnestness Of a messenger from God. And then I come And in my study's quiet find again The callous actor who, because long since He had some feelings in him like the talk The book puts in his mouth, still warms his pit, And even, in his lucky moods, himself, With the passion of his part, but lays aside His heroism with his satin suit And thinks “the part is good and well conceived And very natural—no flaw to find *— And then forgets it. A AAEAA CA/A2/3 I29 Yes I preach to others And am—I know not what—a castaway P NO, but a man who feels his heart asleep, As he might feel his hand or foot. The limb Will not awake without a little shock, A little pain perhaps, a nip or blow, And that one gives and feels the waking pricks. But for one's heart I know not. I can give No shock to make mine prick. I seem to be Just such a man as those who claim the power (Or have it, say to serve the thought) of willing That Such a one should break an iron bar, And such a one resist the strength of ten, And the thing is done, yet cannot will themselves One least Small breath of power beyond the wont. To-night now I might triumph. Not a breath But shivered when I pictured the dead soul Awaking when the body dies to know Itself has lived too late, and drew in long With yearning when I showed how perfect love Might make Earth's self be but an earlier Heaven : And I may say and not be overbold, Judging from former fruits, “Someone to-night Has come more near to God, someone has felt What it may mean to love Him, someone learned A new great horror against death and sin, K I 30 A PACA. A CA/AA’ Someone at least—it may be many.” Yet— And yet—Why I the preacher look for God, Saying “I know thee, Lord, what I should see If I could see thee as some can on earth, But I do not see thee,” and “I know thee, Lord, What loving thee is like, as if I loved, But I cannot love thee.” And even with the thought The answer grows “Thine is the greater sin,” - And I stand self-convicted yet not shamed, But quiet, reasoning why it should be thus, And almost wishing I could suddenly Fall in some awful sin, that so might come A living sense of God, if but by fear, And a repentance sharp as is the need. But now, the sin being indifference, Repentance too is tepid. There are some, Good men and honest, though not overwise Nor studious of the subtler depths of minds Below the surface strata, who would teach In such a case to scare oneself awake (As girls do telling ghost-tales in the dark) With scriptural terrors, all the judgments spoken Against the tyrant empires, all the wrath On them who slew the prophets and forsook Their God for Baal, and the awful threat A AA’AºA CAE/AEA? I3 I For him whose dark dread sin is pardonless, So that in terror one might cling to God— As the poor wretch who, angry with his life, Has dashed into a dank and greedy pool, Learns in the death-gasp to love life again And Clings unreasoning to the saving hand. Well I know some—for the most part with thin minds Of the effervescent kind, easy to froth, Though easier to let stagnate—who thus wrought Convulsive pious moods upon themselves And, thinking all tears sorrow and all texts Repentance, are in peace upon the trust That a grand necessary stage is past, And do love God as I desire to love. And now they'll look on their hysteric time And wonder at it, seeing it not real And yet not feigned. They'll say “A special time Of God’s direct own working—you may see It was not natural.” And there I stand In face with it and know it. Not for me; Because I know it, cannot trust in it; It is not natural. It does not root Silently in the dark, as God’s seeds root, Then day by day move upward in the light; It does not wake a tremulous glimmering dawn, I32 A PAEA2A CA/A2/8 Then swell to perfect day, as God’s light does; It does not give to life a lowly child To grow by days and morrows to man's strength, As do God’s natural birthdays. God, who sets Some little seed of good in everything May bring His good from this, but not for one Who calmly says “I know this is a dream, A mere mirage sprung up of heat and mist; It cannot slake my thirst : but I will try To fool my fancy to it and will rush To sate my burning throat as if there welled Clear waters in the visionary lake, That so perchance Heaven pitying me may send Its own fresh showers upon me.” I, maybe Might with occasion, spite of steady will And steady nerve, bring on the ecstasy: But what avails without the simple faith? I should not cheat myself, and who cheats God? And wherefore should I count love more than truth And buy the loving him with such a price, Even if 'twere possible to school myself To an unbased belief and love him more Only through a delusion P Not so, Lord. Let me not buy my peace, nay not my soul, At price of one least word of thy strong truth A P/CAA CA/A2A2 I33 Which is Thyself. The perfect love must be When one shall knozy thee. Better one should lose The present peace of loving, nay of trusting, Better to doubt and be perplexed in soul Because thy truth seems many and not one, Than cease to seek thee, even through reverence, In the fulness and minuteness of thy truth. If it be sin, forgive me: I am bold, My God, but I would rather touch the ark To find if thou be there than—thinking hushed “”Tis better to believe, I will believe, Though were’t not for belief 'tis far from proved”— Shout with the people “Lo, our God is there,” And stun my doubts by iterating faith. And yet, I know not why it is, this knack Of sermon-making seems to carry me Athwart the truth at times before I know— In little things at least; thank God the greater Have not yet grown by the familiar use Such puppets of a phrase as to slip by Without clear recognition. Take to-night— I preached a careful sermon, gravely planned, All of it written. Not a line was meant To fit the mood of any differing From my own judgment: not the less I find— I34 A P/CAA CAE/AA’ (I thought of it coming home while my good Jane Talked of the Shetland pony I must get For the boys to learn to ride) yes, here it is, And here again on this page—blame by rote, Where by my private judgment I blame not. “We think our own thoughts on this day,” I said, “Aſarmless it may be, Kindly even, stil/ “Not Heaven's thoughts—not Sunday thoughts /'//say.” Well but, do I, now that I think of it, Advise a separation of our thoughts By Sundays and by week-days, Heaven's and ours? By no means, for I think the bar is bad. I’ll teach my children “Keep all thinkings pure, And think them when you like, if but the time Is free to any thinking. Think of God So often that in anything you do It cannot seem you have forgotten Him, Just as you would not have forgotten us, Your mother and myself, although your thoughts Were not distinctly on us while you played; And, if you do this, in the Sunday's rest You will most naturally think of Him ; Just as your thoughts, though in a different way, (God being the great mystery He is And so far from us and so strangely near) Would on your mother's birthday-holiday Come often back to her.” But I’d not urge A P/CAEA CAZZAP I35 A treadmill Sunday labour for their mind, Constant on one forced round: nor should I blame Their Constant chatter upon daily themes. I did not blame Jane for her project told, Though she had heard my sermon and no doubt Ought, as I told my flock, to dwell on that. Then here again “the pleasures of the zworld 7%aſ tempt the younger members of my flock.” Now I think really that they’ve not enough Of these same pleasures. Grey and joyless lives A many of them have, whom I would see Sharing the natural gaieties of youth. I wish they'd more temptations of the kind. Now Donne and Allan preach such things as these Meaning them and believing. As for me, What did I mean? Neither to feign nor teach A Pharisaic service. 'Twas just this, That there are lessons and rebukes long made So much a thing of course that, unobserving, One sets them down as one puts dots to ès, Crosses to fs. A simple carelessness; No more than that. There's the excuse—and I, I36 A A/CAA CAMAEA2 Who know that every carelessness is falsehood Against my trust, what guide or check have I Being, what I have called myself, an actor Able to be awhile the man he plays But in himself a heartless common hack? I felt no falseness as I spoke the trash, I was thrilled to see it moved the listeners, Grew warmer to my task 'Twas written well, Habit had made the thoughts come fluently As if they had been real— Yes, Jane, yes, I hear you—Prayers and Supper waiting me— I’ll come. Dear Jane, who thinks me half a Saint. A PAINTER So, 'tis completed—not an added touch But would do mischief—and, though so far short Of what I aimed at, I can praise my work. If I, as some more fortunate men can do, Could have absorbed my life into one task, Could have made studies, tried effects, designed And re-designed until some happy touch Revealed the secret of the perfect group In a moment's flash, could day by day have dwelt On that one germinant theme till it became Memory and hope and present truth, have worked Only upon that canvas where it grew To the other eyes a shadow of what mine Had seen and knew for truth, it could have been It should have been, yes should have been, in the teeth Of narrow knowledge and half-tutored skill I38 A PA/AV7'AºA2 And the impotence I chafe at of my hand To mark my meaning, such a thing as those Who, stooping to me, “A fair promise, sirs, In that young man—if he'll attend to us, The critics, he may hit the public taste With a taking thing some day,” approve the points And count the flaws and say “For a new man 'Tis a fair picture,” while they'd throw themselves In ecstasies before some vapid peepshow With a standard name for foreground and the rest A clever careless toying with the brush By a hand grown to the trick—critics forsooth Because they have learned grammar—such a thing, I say, as these should shrink from measuring With blame or praise of theirs, but stand aside And let the old ones speak, the men who worked For something more than our great crown of art The small blue label in the corner, knew Another public than our May-fair crowds, Raphael and Michael Angelo and such— Whoseworks sold well too. ZViey should have been left My judges whether something of the soul That was their art had not been given me. Ah well I am a poor man and must earn; And little dablets of a round-faced blonde Or pretty pert brunette who drops her fan, A PAZAVZTAEA’ I39 Or else the kind the public, save the mark, Calls poem-like, ideal, and the rest— I have a sort of aptness for the style— A butterCup or so made prominent To point a moral, how youth fades like grass Or some such wisdom, a lace handkerchief Or broidered hem mapped out as if one meant To give a seamstress patterns—that’s to show How “conscientious,” 'tis the word, one is— And a girl dying, crying, marrying, what you will, With a blue-light tint about her—these will sell : And they take time, and if they take no thought Weary one over much for thinking well. A man with wife and children, and no more To give them than his hackwork brings him in, Must be a hack and let his masterpiece Go to the devil. Well my masterpiece, As to the present, is achieved at last; But by what straining of a wearied hand And wearied eyes and wearied aching head Worn with the day's forced work And now I come And fold my arms before it and play the judge, And am, though not content, yet proud of it. And after all what is it? So much width Of my best canvas made unserviceable, I4O A AAAAW ZTEAE Spoilt for the dablets, so much time defrauded From my tradesman work. What will it gain for me? And why I do not answer at first blush Just “disappointment,” is that I have grown Too used to disappointment now to set A hope on any issue. I shall hear My work observed with vacant hems and haws And a slur of timorous praise. And I shall see A quiet face or two light up with thought— And these, although perhaps they think no more Of the painter or his work nor care to keep Remembrance of my unfamiliar name, Will be my friends for the moment, and will note With a sort of kind regret where I fall short. And some severer connoisseur will fume: “Now here's a man with a certain faculty. The more shame for him Were he some schooled drudge Doing his best one would forgive the fault. But here's a harebrained fellow comes to us ‘I am a painter I—no need to study— Here's genius at my back—splash, dash away— I’ll win a fortune and a name at once, And deserve them by and by ?’ He ought to take Two or three years at least of study, draw More than he paints, scan how the masters did it, GO to school in Rome. But no, his vanity A PA/AWTAEA? I4I Pats his genius on the back. Pooh He descend To dull apprentice plodding ! He take time Before he paints for the world !—Fie on it though To see a man so sin against his gift.” And then another says “Yes he should wait,” And another “Wait,” and “Wait,” and once more “Wait.” Out on them fools Do they know a man may die Waiting P Waiting, when waiting means to starve Do they think of that? What Ruth, my pretty one, Come to learn what's my trouble? Startle you, Did I with sudden steps and speaking loud P 'Tis nothing, dearest—only the old tale That you and I keep fretting at, what cross And spirit-killing work it is to slave At these man-wasting trifles day by day, Cutting one’s life in mess-pieces, and see No better chance for freedom than to cheat The fashionable world that chatters art By some chance masterpiece into paying one Enough to buy the time to wait and learn. And then the critics say “You should have waited. 'Tis the fault of the age, our young men will not wait.” And the fashionable world says “To be sure— I42 A AAAAW 7TAZAC The fault of the age | Indeed he should have waited : We might have bought his pictures then : ” and flies With open purse, on a race for who bids first, To its latest darling's studio—takes all there, If he did it awake, or sleeping, or by proxy, At equal price. What matter? There's his name ! Ah Ruth ! If I could only win a name ! And then, love, then For I know there is in me Another power than what men's eyes yet find In these poor works of mine. But who can tell If now I ever shall become myself? My one believer, I have learned from you To use that phrase: but what is a man's self Excepting what he is, what he has learned And what he does P You make it what he hopes. Well love, persuade me with your earnest voice And look of long belief, this twentieth time— Persuade me that the day we hope must come, Because it is myself. I am worn out, Sick to the heart. I need your love so much. Talk to me love; find fault; dispute with me, With smiles and kisses ready all the while, And your dear arms clinging to me; prophesy, You happy prophet who can fill your eyes With sunshine and see brightness where you will. A AAZAWZTA'A' I43 And come now, find me in my picture there Something to praise; I can believe your praise Although you love me. No you cannot stay— Yes, yes, I hear the summons. If Blanche cries— Poor Ruth ! I could be jealous of your care For the children, were it not so hard to me To see you forced to play the handmaid to them. Come back when the child sleeps. Going she leaves A darkness after her. Ruth, but for you I could not paint a sunbeam, could not bear To have a happy thought look out on mc From my own canvas: now because of you I do not envy brightness. Yet she says And, I fear me, almost thinks it, my poor wife, “If I had never come to burden you, You might have won your way by now.” Ah well, A sunless way without her, yet perhaps It is a true sad word. I might have been Without her what she’d have me be. No, no— A handier painter possibly, more apt With nice true touches and the fearless brush I44 A AAAW 7TAZAC Exact without restraint, most certainly A more successful man, but not the man My earnest Ruth believes in. Darling, you Who, under all your pretty fitful ways, Your coaxings and your poutings, have the strength Of the noblest kind of women, helping strength For any man with worth enough to use it— You keep me to the level of my hopes : I shall not fall beneath them while you live. It was a good day for me when you came Into my fretted life, and I thank God It was no evil one for you. Dear wife, If you had been one born to pleasant things Cared for and praised in a familiar home, Not knowing what it is to say, “Well this Costs sixpence, I can do without,” and “This Is marked a penny and will serve the turn”— If you had had one other in the world To take up your dead father's guardianship And watch a little for you, then long since I should have cursed myself who brought you here To live on empty hopes and drudge the while. But you are happier even in our want And your enduring than you would have been Still pining, smiling, on, the mere fed slave Of a cross idiot and her hoyden brats. You were a fool, the mistress Sagely thought, A PA/AWTAEA’ 145 To leave the comfort she had graciously Designed to keep you in some half score years, Raised salary and so forth, for a home So poor as I yet had to give. But you Still said “It will be Home,” and you and I Knew something, even then, by hope or instinct Of the meaning of that common word which she, Poor Soul, among her gewgaw drawing-rooms Had never dreamed of. You are happy, love; We have our many troubles, many doubts, We are at war with fate and a hard world, And God knows whether we shall overcome ; But you are happy, love, because you know You are my happiness. And I might Say, In the bitterness of these dull wearing days, While like that poor caged squirrel in the street I beat my ceaseless way and gain no step, I have no other left me, were it not That even at this 'moment the warm glow Of yellow evening sunshine brightening down Upon the rich geraniums she has placed To feast my eyes with colour, bringing Out That line of shadow deeper on the wall, With the exquisite half lights thrown from those white folds, L I46 A /24/AV7'A'A' Softer than mists at Sundawn, gladden me With the old joy and make me know again How one can live on beauty and be rich Having only that—a thing not hard to find, For all the world is beauty. We know that We painters, we whom God shows how to see. We have beauty ours, we take it where we go. Aye, my wise critics, rob me of my bread, You can do that, but of my birthright no. Imprison me away from skies and seas And the open sight of earth and her rich life And the lesson of a face or golden hair. I’ll find it for you on a whitewashed wall Where the slow shadows only change so much As shows the street has different darknesses At noontime and at twilight. Only that Could make me poor of beauty which I dread Sometimes, I know not why, save that it is The one thing which I could not bear, not bear Even with Ruth beside me, even for Ruth's sake— If this perpetual plodding with the brush Should blind my fretted eyes. Would the children starve, Poor pretty playthings who have not yet learned A A4/AVZTAEA’ I47 That they are poor P And Ruth— Well, baby sleeps ? Ah love, you come in time to chase some thoughts I do not care to dwell on. Come, stand there And criticise my picture. It has failed, Of course—I always fail. Yet, on the whole, I think the world would praise it were I known. AN INVENTOR NOT yet ! I thought this time ’twas done at last, The workings perfected, the life in it; And there's the flaw again, the petty flaw, The fretting small impossibility That has to be made possible. To work | So many more months lost on a wrong tack; And months and months may so be lost again, ‘Who knows? until they swell a tale of years Counted by failures. No time to sit down With folded arms to moan for the lost toil, For on, on, glide the envious treacherous hours That bring at last the night when none can work; And I’ll not die with my work unfulfilled. AAV ZAVNZAEAV7'OA’ I49 It must perform my thought, it must awake, This soulless whirring thing of springs and wheels, And be a power among us. Aye, but how P There it stands facing me, compact, precise, The nice presentment of my long design, And what is it? an accurate mockery, And not my creature. Where's my secret hid, The little easy secret which, once found, Will show so palpable that the pleased world Shall presently believe it always knew? Where is my secret? Oh, my aching brain Good God, have all the anxious ponderings, All the laborious strain of hand and head, All the night watches, all the stolen days From fruitfuller tasks, all I have borne and done, Brought me no nearer solving P - Stolen days; Yes, from the little ones and grave pale wife Who should have every hour of mine made coin To buy them sunshine. Stolen; and they lack all Save the bare needs which only paupers lack: Stolen; and cheerlessly the mother sits Over her dismal blinding stitchery, And no quick smile of welcome parts her lips, Seeing me come ; and quiet at their play The children crowd, cooped in the unlovely home, I 50 AAV ZAVWEAV7'O/e And envy tattered urchins out of doors Their merry life and playground of the streets. Oh, if it were but my one self to spend But to doom them too with me ! Never a thought Dawns first into the world but is a curse On the rash finder; part of heaven's fire Filched to bestow on men, and for your pay The vulture at your heart. What should one choose P Or is there choice P A madness comes on you, Whose name is revelation: who has power To check the passion of it, who in the world P A revelation, yes; ’tis but a name For knowledge . . . and there perishes free-will, For every man is slave of what he knows; It is the soul of him, could you quench that You leave the mere mechanic animal— A sentient creature, true, and reasoning, (Because the clockwork in it's made for that) But, like my creature there, its purport lacked, So but its own abortive counterfeit. We have our several purports; some to pace The accustomed roads and foot down rampant weeds, Bearing mute custom smoothly on her course; Some difficultly to force readier paths, AAV ZAVIVAEAV7'OR I 5 I Or hew out passes through the wilderness; And Some, belike, to find the snuggest place, And purr beside the fire. Each of his kind; But can you change your kind? the lion caged Is still a lion, pipes us no lark’s trills; Drive forth the useful brood hen from the yard, She’ll never learn the falcon's soar and swoop. We must abye our natures; if they fit Too Crossly to our hap, the worse for us, But who would pray (say such a prayer could serve) “Let me become some other, not myself”? And yet, and yet—Oh, why am I assigned To this long maiming battle P Why to me This blasting gift, this lightning of the gods Scorching the hand that wields it? why to me? A lonely man, or dandled in the lap Of comfortable fortune, might with joy Hug the strange serpent blessing; to the one It has no tooth, for gilded hands make gold Of all they touch, the other . . . is alone, And has the right to suffer. Not for them Is doubt or dread ; but I–Oh little ones Whose unsuspecting eyes pierce me with Smiles Oh Sad and brooding wife whose silent hopes Are all rebukes to mine ! I52 AAV ZAV VAEAVZ'OA’ - Come, think it out; Traitor to them or traitor to the world; Is that the choice? Why then, they are my own, Given in my hand, looking to me for all, And, for my destined present to the world, Being what it is, someone some fortunate day Will find it, or achieve it; if the world wait . . . Well, it has waited. Yet 'twere pitiful That still and still, while to a thousand souls Life's irrecoverable swift to-day Becomes the futile yesterday, the world GO beggared of a birthright unaware, And, (as if one should slake his thirst with blood Pricked from his own red veins, while at his hand Lies the huge hairy nut from whose rough bowl He might quaff juicy milk, and knows it not) Spend out so great a wealth of wasted strength— Man upon man given to the imperious, Unnecessary labour. How were that, Having made my honest bargain with the world To serve its easier and accepted needs For the due praise and pudding, keeping it, Like a wise servant, not to lose my place, To note the enduring loss, and, adding up Its various mischiefs, score them as the price Of my reposeful fortunes? Why, do this, And each starved blockhead dribbling out his life AAV ZAVNZAZAV7'OA’ I 53 On the continued toil would be my drudge, And not one farthest corner of our earth Where hurrying traffic plies but would have voice To reach my ears and twit me guilty to it. But then, the wife and children: must they pine In the bleak shade of frosty poverty, Because the man that should have cared for them Discerned a way to double wealth with wealth And glut the maw of rank prosperity P Traitor to them or traitor to the world : A downright question that, and sounds well put, And one that begs its answer, since we count The nearer duty first to every man; But there's another pungent clause to note . That's traitor to myself. Has any man The right of that P God puts a gift in you— To your own hurt, we'll say, but what of that?— He puts a gift in you, a seed to grow - To His fulfilment, germinant with your life, And may you crush it Out? And, say you do, What is your remnant life? an empty husk, Or balked and blighted stem past hope of bloom. Well, make the seed develope otherwise And grow to your fulfilment wiselier planned : But will that prosper? may the thistle say “Let me blow smooth white lilies,” or the wheat I54 AAV ZAVWAEAV7'OA’ “Let me be purple with enticing grapes”? God says “Be that I bade, or else be nought,” And what thing were the man to make that choice P For me I dare not, were it for their sake, And, for their sake, I dare not; could their good Grow out of my undoing P they with me And I with them we are so interknit That taint in me must canker into them And my upholding holds them from the mire : And so, as there are higher things than ease, We must bear on together they and I. And it may be to bear is all our part. I have outpast the first fantastic hopes That fluttered round my project at its birth, Outgrown them as the learning child outgrows The picture A's and B’s that lured him on ; I have forgotten honours, wealth, renown, I see no bribe before me but that one, My work's fruition. Yes, as we all who feel The dawn of a creative thought, discern In the beginning that perfected end Which haply shall not be, I saw the end And my untried presumptuous eyes, befooled, Saw it at hand. How round each forward step Flocked the delusive and decoying dreams And I seemed while I sowed still hurrying on AAV ZAVWEAV7'O/e I 55 To touch the sudden fruit, the ripe choice fruit To be garnered for my dear ones, mine for them : But long since I have learned, in weariness, In failures, and in toil, to put by dreams, To put by hopes, and work, as the bird sings, Because God planned me for it. For I look Undazzled on the future, see the clouds, And see the sunbeams several, not one glow : I know that I shall find my secret yet And make my creature here another power To change a world’s whole life; but, that achieved, Whom will the world thank for it? Me perhaps; Perhaps some other, who, with after touch, Shall make the springs run easier: I have read The lives of men like me who have so sought, So found, then been forgotten, while there came An apter man, (maybe but luckier) To add or alter, gave another shape, Made or displayed it feasible and sure, And then the thing was his . . . as the rare gem Is not called his who dug it from the mines, But his who cut and set it in a ring. It will be as it will be : I dare count No better fortunes mine than from first days The finders met with, men who, howsoe'er, Seekers and teachers, bring the world new gifts, Too new for any value. Well, so be it : I 56 AAV ZAVIVAEAV7'OR And now—No, I am over weary now, And out of heart, too: idleness to-night; To-morrow all shall be begun again. That lever, now, if— Am I Out Of heart P To work at once then I’ll not go to rest With the desponding cramp clutching my heart: A new beginning blots the failure out, And sets one's thoughts on what's to be achieved, Letting what's lost go by. Come, foolish toy, That should have been so much, let's see at least What help you have to give me. By and by We'll have another like you, with the soul. A DILETTANTE GOOD friend, be patient: goes the world awry P Well, Can you groove it straight with all your pains? And sigh or scold, and argue or intreat, What have you done but waste your part of life On impotent fool’s battles with the winds, That will blow as they list in spite of you ? Fie, I am weary of your pettish griefs Against the world that's given, like a child Who whines and pules because his bread’s not cake, Because the roses have those ugly thorns That prick if he's not careful of his hands. Oh foolish spite : what talk you of the world, And mean the men and women and the sin P Oh friend, these all pass by, and God remains: And God has made a world that pleases Him, And when He wills then He will better it; Let it suffice us as He wills it now. I 58 A ZO/ZAZ 7"ZTAAV7'Aº Nay, hush and look and listen. For this noon, This summer noon, replies “But be content,” Speaking in voices of a hundred joys. For lo, we, lying on this mossy knoll, Tasting the vivid musk of sheltering pines, And balm of odorous flowers and Sweet warm air; Feeling the uncadenced music of slow leaves And ripples in the brook athwart its stones And birds that call each other in the brakes With sudden questions and smooth long replies, The gossip of the incessant grasshoppers, And the contented hum of laden bees— We, knowing (with the easy restful eye That whichsoever way it turns is filled With unexacting beauty) this smooth sky, Blue with our English placid silvery blue, Mottled with little lazy clouds, this stretch Of dappled wealds and green and Saffron slopes, And near us these gnarled elm-trunks barred with gold, And ruddy pine-boles, where the slumbrous beams Have slipped through the translucent leafy net To break the shimmering dimness of the wood— We, who, like licensed truants from light tasks Which lightly can be banished out of mind, Have all ourselves to give to idleness, A ZO/ZAZ 7'7"AAV7'Z I59 Were more unreasoning if we make moan Of miseries and toils and barrenness Than if we sitting at a feast told tales Of famines and for the pity of them starved. Oh, life is good when on such summer days We linger in the dreamful paradise That lies at every door where so much space Is left to garner in the languid air As grass may grow in and some verdurous tree, And some few yards of blueness and of clouds May stretch above, making immensity; When, lost out of our petty unit selves, The heart grows large in the grave trance of peace And all things breathing, growing, are its kin, And all the fair and blossoming earth is home. And beauty is our lesson : for, look there, That exquisite curve and cluster of rich leaves, Emerald and shadow, in that patch of Sun, What is it but a nettle P And that knoll Of woven green, where all fantastic grace Of shaggy stems and lush and trailing shoots, And all a thousand delicate varied tints, Are mingled in a wanton symmetry, What is it but a thorn and bramble copse P And that far plain, on which, through all the day, I6O A ZO/ZAZ Z'74 AVZTA, Change still grows lovelier and every cloud Makes different softer dimness, every light An other-coloured glory, what is it? A desolate barren waste, marshland and moor. And in Some other moment, when the rain Spurts greyly downwards on the soddening fields, Or the dank autumn fog veils leaden skies, Or the keen baleful east winds nip the bloom Of frightened spring with bleak and parching chills, The waste, the thorns, the nettle, each would seem Cursed with the unloveliness of evil things. So beauty comes and goes : yet beauty is A message out of Heaven ; can it speak From evil things? I know not; but I know That waste and thorns and nettle are to-day Teachers of Love, a prospect not to change, For use, against a fifty miles of corn. Can we tell good from evil you and I? Oh, if the men and women of to-day Seem ill or good to us, why, what know we ? To-morrow they, or those who follow them, Will seem another way; and are they changed Or are the eyes that see them P Let them be ; Are we divine that we should judge and rule P And they are not the world by several selves A ZOAZAZ 7'7"AAV7'A' I6 I But in a gathered whole, and if that whole Drift heavenward or hellward God can see, Not we who, ants hived in our colonies, Count the world loam or gravel, stocked with flowers Or weeds or cabbages, as we shall find Within our own small ranges, and (being wise And full of care for all the universe) Wonder, and blame, and theorize, and plan, By the broad guide of our experiences ! 'Twere a neat world if levelled by the ants; No ridges, no rough gaps, all fined and Soft. But I will rather use my antish wits In Smoothing just my cell and at my doors Than join in such heroic enterprise. Selfish, you call me? callous P Hear a tale. There was a little shallow brook that ran Between low banks, scarcely a child's leap wide, Feeding a foot or two of bordering grass And, here and there, some tufts of waterflowers And Cresses, and tall sedge, rushes, and reeds ; And where it bubbled past a poor man's Cot He and his household came and drank of it And all the children loved it for its flowers And counted it a playmate made for them : But, not far off, a sandy arid waste M I62 A DZZZZTAAV7'E Where when a winged seed rested, or a bird Would drop a grain in passing, and it grew, It presently must droop and die athirst, Spread its scorched silent leagues to the fierce sun : And once a learned man came by and saw, And “Lo,” said he, “what space for Corn to grow, Could we send vivifying moistures here, While look, this wanton misdirected brook Watering its useless weeds !” so had it turned, And made a channel for it through the waste: But its small waters could not feed that drought, And in the wide unshadowed plain it lagged And shrank away, sucked upwards of the Sun And downwards of the sands; so the new bed Lay dry, and dry the old; and the parched reeds Grew brown and dwined, the stunted rushes drooped, The cresses could not root in that slacked soil, The blossoms and the sedges died away, The greenness shrivelled from the dusty banks, The children missed their playmate and the flowers, And thirsted in hot noon-tides for the draught Grown over precious now their mother went A half-mile to the well to fill her pails; And not two ears of corn the more were green. Tell me, what should I do? I take my life As I have found it, and the work it brings; A ZO/ZAZ 7'74 AV7'/2 I63 Well, and the life is kind, the work is light, Shall I go fret and scorn myself for that? And must I sally forth to hack and hew At giants or at windmills, leave the post I could have filled, the work I could have wrought, For some magnificent mad enterprise, Some task to lift a mountain, drain a sea, Tread down a Titan, build a pyramid P No, let me, like a bird bred in the cage, That singing its own self to gladness there Makes some who hear it gladder, take what part I have been born to and make joy of it. Grumbler, what are you muttering in your beard? “You’ve a bird-likeness too, to show me in ; I take life, as a sea-gull takes the sea, Mere skimmingly.” I say no otherwise; 'Tis a wise bird the sea-gull, does but taste The hale and briny freshness of the spray: What would you have me do? plunge in and drown P Oh chiding friend, I am not of your kind, You strenuous souls who cannot think you live Unless you feel your limbs, though 'twere by aches: Great boisterous winds you are, who must rush on And sweep all on your way or drop and die, But I am only a small fluttering breeze I64 A ZO/ZA, Z'TAAV7'Aº To coax the roses open : let me be ; Perhaps I have my use no less than you. Ah well ! How strange that you and I who tread So same a path perceive it so unlike. And which sees justly P Maybe both of us: Or maybe one of us is colour-blind, And sees the tintings blurred, or sees them false, Or does not see, so misses what they show. Or likelier each of us is colour-blind, And sees the world his own way, fit for him : Doubtless we afterwards shall understand The beauty and the pain are more alike. THE MANUSCRIPT OF SAINT ALEXIUS THERE came a child into the solemn hall Where great Pope Innocent sat throned and heard Angry disputings on Free-Will in man, Grace, Purity, and the Pelagian creed— An ignorantly bold poor child who stood Showing his rags before the Pope's own eyes, And bade him come to shrive a beggar man He found alone and dying in a shed, Who sent him for the Pope, “not any else But the Pope's self.” And Innocent arose And hushed the mockers “Surely I will go : Servant of servants, I.” So he went forth To where the man lay sleeping into death, And blessed him. Then, with a last spurt of life, The dying man rose sitting, “Take,” he said, And placed a written scroll in the Pope's hand, And so fell back and died. Thus said the scroll: I66 7//E M4AWUSCA2/P7" OA' S.4/AV7" A ZZX/US ALEXIUS, meanest servant of the Lord, Son of Euphemianus, senator, And of Aglaia, writes his history, God willing it, which, if God so shall will, Shall be revealed when he is fallen asleep. Spirit of Truth, Christ, and all Saints of Heaven, And Mary, perfect dove of guilelessness, Make his mind clear, that he write utter truth. That which I was all know : that which I am God knows, not I, if I stand near to Him Because I have not yielded, or, by curse Of recreant longings, am to Him a wretch It needs Such grace to pardon ; but I know That one day soon I, dead, shall see His face With that great pity on it which is ours Who love Him and have striven and then rest, That I shall look on Him and be content. For what I am, in my last days, to men, 'Tis nothing; scarce a name, and even that Known to be not my own ; a wayside wretch Battening upon a rich lord’s charity And praying, (some say like the hypocrites), A wayside wretch who, harboured for a night Is harboured still, and, idle on the alms, ZAZ MANUSCRIPT OF SAZAZ AZEx/US 167 Prays day and night and night and day, and fears Lest, even praying, he should suddenly i Undo his prayer and perish and be great And rich and happy. Jesu, keep me Thine. Father and mother, when ye hear of me, (For I shall choose so sure a messenger Whom God will show me) when ye hear these words, And Claudia, whom I dead will dare count mine, Bidding her pray she be Christ's more than mine, Believe I loved you ; know it; but, beloved, You never will know how much till at length God bids you know all things in the new life. Alas, you have had little joy of me: Beloved, could I have given drops of blood In place of your shed tears, the cruellest wounds Had been my perfect joys: but both my love And your distress needs were my cross to bear. Forgive me that you sorrowed. And be glad Because you Sorrowed and your sorrow was Holy to God, a sacrifice to Him. Know now, all men who read or hear my words, That I, Alexius, lived in great delights Of a dear home where they who looked on me Looked with a smile, and where I did but Smile To earn sweet praises as for some good deed : 168 7THE MAAVOSCA 7A27" OA' SA/AW 7" A Z.A.X. ZU.S. I was the sunlight to my mother's eyes, That waked their deepest blueness and warm glow, I was my father's joy, ambition, boast, His hope and his fulfilment. It may be I grew too strong a link betwixt their hearts And this poor world whose best gifts seemed to them - Destined for me, grew, when they looked on Heaven, A blur upon their sight, too largely near, r As any trivial tiny shape held close Will make eclipse against the eye it fills: And so, maybe, for their sake, not for mine, God took me from them, me, their only son, For whom they prayed and trebled pious deeds And took thought in this life. I grew by them, Learning all meet for my estate on earth, But learning more, what they taught more, of God, And loving most that learning. And at times, Even from childhood, would my heart grow still And seem to feel Him, hear Him, and I knew, But not with ears, a voice that spoke no words Yet called me. And, as ignorant children choose “I will be emperor when I am big,” My foolish wont was “I will be a saint:” Later, when riper sense brought humbleness, 7 HE MANUSCRIPT OF SAZAW7. AZA XVUS 169 I said “When I am grown a man, my lot Shall be with those who vow their lives to Christ.” But, when my father thought my words took shape Of other than boy's prattle, he grew grave, And answered me “Alexius, thou art yOung, And canst not judge of duties; but know this Thine is to serve God, living in the world.” And still the days went on, and still I felt The silent voice that called me : then I said “My father, now I am no more a child And I can know my heart; give me to God : ” But he replied “God gives no son save thee To keep our fathers' name alive, and thus He shows thy place and duty: ” and, with tears, My mother said “God gives no child save thee; Make me not childless.” And their words seemed God’s More than my heart's, theirs who had rule on me. But still my longing grew, and still the voice: And they both answered “Had God need of thee To leave thy natural place none else can fill, There would be signs which none could doubt, nor we Nor thou thyself.” And I received that word; Knowing I doubted since they bade me doubt. 170 THE MANUSCRIPT OF SAVAWT AZZX/US And still the days went on, and still the voice: And then my father said “The bride is chosen, If thou wilt have her; if not, choose thyself.” And more and more I prayed “Give me to God: ” And more and more they urged “Whom gives He us Save thee to keep our name alive? whom else To stay us from a desolate old age, - And bring us children prattling at our knees?” And more and more they answered “Show to us How He has called thee from thy certain path Where He has set thy feet?” Wherefore I said “I will obey, and will so serve my God As you have bidden me serve Him, honouring you : And they two blessed me and we were agreed. And afterwards Euphemianus laughed “He asks not of the bride; but, boy, art pleased ? 'Tis thy fair playmate Claudia, fair and good.” I, who asked not because I nothing cared, Was glad in afterthinking : for the girl IIad been my playmate, and of later time I knew her beauty with familiar cyes And no more feared it than I feared the grace Of useless goddesses perfect in stone, Lingering dishonoured in unholy nooks Where comes no worship more; so that I mused “The damsel brings no perilous wedding gift 7A/F MANUSCRIPT OF SA/AWT AZAZX/US 171 Of amorous unknown fetters for my soul; My Soul shall still be spared me, consecrate, Virgin to God until the better days When I may live the life alone with Him: ” So was I comforted. But, in the hour When all the rite was done and the new bride Come to her home, I sitting half apart, My mother took her fondly by the hand And drew her, lagging timidly, to me, And spoke “Look up my daughter, look on him : Alexius, shall I tell what I have guessed, How this girl loves you?” Then she raised her head A moment long, and looked : and I grew white, And sank back sickly. For I suddenly Knew that I might know that which men call love. And through the tedious feast my mind was torn With reasonings and repentance. For I said “But I may love her,” and kept marshalling forth Such scriptures as should seem to grant it me: Then would an anguish hurl my fabric down While I discerned that he who has put hand Upon the plough must never turn again To take the joyaunce granted easy lives. And by and by I stole away and went, 172 THAE MANUSCR/P7" OA, SAZAV7' AZAZX/OVS Half conscious, through the darkling garden groves, Amid the evening silence, till I came To a small lonely chapel, little used, Left open by I know not what new chance, Where there was patterned out in polished stones Peter denying Christ. I hastened in, And threw me on the floor, and would have prayed; Dut in a rush of tears I fell asleep. And there I dreamed : meseemed the easy years Had slipped along, and I sat, pleased and proud, Among my ruddy children, and I held My wife's smooth hand, who but so much had changed As to grow lovelier in her womanhood; And facing us a carved and marble Christ Hung on a Cross and gazed with Its dumb eyes, I looking on It: and I turned my head To Smile to Claudia, and then looked again; Behold Its right arm moved, and then was still, And a low voice came forth, “Alexius, come.” And I replied “Oh Lord, I am content; But lo, my father.” Then my father stood, Meseemed, beside me, leading in his hand THE MAAVUSCRIPT OF SAZAVT AZAX/OS 173 A sturdy urchin, copy of himself, And answered “Son, my ears do hear thee called; And now I have this son of thine: go forth.” And once again the voice, “Alexius, come.” And I replied “My Lord, I am content; But lo, my mother.” Then my mother stood, Meseemed, beside me, and her arm was wound Round my wife's neck, and clinging to her skirt A baby boy and girl that teased and played, And clamoured for her kisses: so she stood, And answered “Son, my ears do hear thee called; And now this daughter hast thou given me, And now I have these babes of thine: go forth.” And louder then the voice, “Alexius, come.” And I replied “Dear Lord, I am content; I come.” Then Claudia's hand grew tight in mine And I looked on her face and saw it so AS when my mother bade her look on me, 174 THE MANUSCRIPT OF SAINT A LAX/US And I replied “Oh Lord, I were content, But lo, my wife.” And still again the voice; And still again her hand that drew mine back; And I replied “My wife: I cannot come.” And still again the voice, “Alexius, come,” Loud and in wrath. And I replied “My wife: I will not come.” And with that word I woke. I was in darkness, and the door was locked, (Doubtless while I, asleep or tranced, lay dumb Some one had sought me there and had not found, And so had gone, unconscious, prisoning me) I groped my way toward the altar steps, And thanked my God, and prayed. When morning broke I heard without two voices, as it seemed Of holy pilgrims talking, and one said “The youth Alexius surely has fled forth To serve God safelier;” the other said THE MANUSCRIPT OF SA/AWT AZEX/US 175 “Then doth he well; for now that better part Shall none take from him, he shall be all God’s And only God's, not father's, mother's, son's, Nor any fond fair woman’s.” Then they went. But I was still there prisoned. Day moved on, And brightened and then waned, and darkness came, Broken by one white moonbeam for an hour ; That seemed a promise, and, in that good hope, I prayed, then slept. - But when morn grew again, And no deliverance came, but frequent steps And voices passing, I fell scared with doubts If, keeping silence, as from enemies, And by my silence dying, I should be Self-murdered or God’s martyr; and I thought How, maybe, at the last my fainting voice Should vainly cry too late and I should pass With none to give God's comfort. But I thought “If God wills even that, then let it be.” But when the noon sun glowed I heard a hand Touch at the door, and crouched me in a nook, And scarce had crouched when Claudia passed by me With slow steps to the altar: she prayed long; Praying, poor child, to have me given back, 176 THE MAAVUSCAEAT OF SAZAV7" A ZZX/US Claiming me back of Heaven, as if her right Could equal That right, crying out for me By loving names, and weeping, that my heart Went out of me towards her, wondering, And yearned for her. But God was pitiful, So that I swerved not. When I heard her vow To pray there daily, I perceived through her Deliverance should come shortly : and I planned To stand within the shadow the noon light Threw from a massive column by the door, And when she had passed in and hid her face Get me forth softly. But the flesh was weak, And when I waked next day the noon beams fell Full on the face of Peter where he wept Repenting; Claudia was already there. I thought a moment should I not come forth, And charge her let none know, and go my way; But, did she give one startled sudden cry, Womanlike, I had been betrayed; and then I feared her if she wept. THE MANUSCRZPT OF SAINT AZZX/US 177 May God forgive My weak heart then, my weak heart all my days, Which never was so strong as not to feel Always the fall at hand, but then so weak That some few urgent tears and soft sad words Might, haply might, have bought me from my God. So she went forth, unconscious: and I prayed Death should not come at night, with none at hand To minister beside me, and in faith I laid me down to wait what God should send. And in a little while she came again, And sought and found a gold and emerald pin, (One of the gifts they made me give to her) Dropped from her loosened hair, then, kissing it, Passed out, and, for a moment long, forgot To make the door fast, turned back to the task, Then, murmuring “Why? For it is better thus, When whoso wills can enter in and pray,” Left it and went. Then, free, I made my vow To live unknown, unhonoured, with no ties, No certain home, no aims, no rights, no name, An unregarded wanderer whose steps, By whichsoever road they passed but passed N 178 THE MAWUSCRIPT OF SAINT AZEX/US To travel nearer Heaven. And for a sign I made a secret place and hid my ring Under the altar. You will find it there : At the right hand a cross upon an A Cut on the floor, so small you must look well, And near it, at the altar-base, a crack I found there in the chiselling, (just behind A cherub's wing) is closed with dust and earth; There lies the ring. Give it me mine again, It and my name I take back for my grave, As I take back my kinsfolk and my friends To pray and mourn for me and give God thanks. That done, I got me forth, and saw none nigh, (The search near home being over, as it seemed) And with my best poor speed I found a copse Whose green thick tangles hid me: there I lay Till the cool nightfall came and patient stars Watched Earth asleep, as if they prayed for her; And other eyes saw not save theirs, and those That look from Heaven, when I came sickly forth And dragged my limp and failing limbs along. I made my clothes in tatters; thus I went And begged food at a convent for my life 7A/E MANUSCRIPT OF SA/AWT AZA.X/US 179 That else were flickered out: so they gave food, And they gave shelter: and at dawn I went, While none who could have known had looked on me, And hastening on my journey followed forth My fellow-ROman Tiber's seaward strides, And reached the port. There, as I since have learned, Euphemianus had left men in wait While he searched otherwhere : but God ruled all. A little ship was just launched out to sea, Her heel still caught upon the grating beach, The men were good and took the pilgrim in Who at the farewell moment called to them, And, in what while I know not, but it seemed As short as in a dream are days and years, I saw my shores grown narrow purple clouds. And then (for I write truth though shaming me) I broke into such weeping that the men Felt whiteness in their cheeks, and, marvelling, Sent whispers to and fro, in doubt of me Lest witchcraft held me or my some deep crime Had set a curse demoniac; and they schemed If they should put back to be rid of me, But one said “Tush the youth weeps for his home; At his age, maybe, some of us could weep ; Let him alone.” I8o 7A/AE A/AAWOWSCA’ZAZ" OA” SA/AW 7' 4 V.A.X/US A rough and grizzled man, Who after, at the haven, came and clapped A great hand on my shoulder, “Look, my boy, You keep your secrets safer: for I heard Of a hot hunt after a great man's son, And when I saw you weep. . . . Well, go your way, My tongue shall earn no wages by its blab. Maybe at your age I should have fled too, If yoked against my will; but I am old And preach go home again. Some say she’s fair ; And a fair woman, love her or not love, Is a fair woman : but, or fair or foul, Be wise, young sir, be wise; never go starve Because your cake's not candied to your taste.” I said “Kind friend, I have no home to seek; God gives me not a home till by and by,” And left him. So my pilgrimage began. But, oh vain heart of man can this be true Which I remember, that I, plodding on, Whither I did not ask me, as God willed, Undoubting and ungrieving, yea, puffed up To feel my heart was numb of all regret, Carrying upon my lips (as men will burr A day long some persistent measured strain) For refrain-catch “Now all and only God’s,” Drew from my bosom, with my crucifix, TAZAZ MAAVUSCA’ZAZ" OA' SA/AWT A/AX/OVS 181 A withered crumpled weed, a clinging thing That, green and dainty, new brushed from its root, With one white flower-speck on it, trailed its sprays Athwart the purple hem of Claudia's scarf The last time in the chapel, while she prayed; It lay upon the floor when she was gone. A worthless grass, what good was it to me? And, lo, made fellow with my crucifix Yet surely I had done it scarce aware, For now I gazed on it so stupidly As though a secret hand had placed it there To set a riddle so, nor could recall What thought I took it with. But see what Snares I fled from, flying Claudia ; suddenly - The thing was at my lips, in such a kiss As, maybe, lovers kiss on women's mouths, In such a kiss, howbeit, as brought forth Shame Almost in its own birth. I hurled the weed,