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 FROM THE 
 
 RABBIS TO 
 
 CHRIST 
 
 H. L. Hellyer 
 
 13 eJ 
 
 
 , 
 
 BV 
 
 ^2623 
 .H44 
 A3 
 1917 
 
Cibrary of Che theological £cm\n<xvy> 
 
 PRINCETON • NEW JERSEY 
 
 PRESENTED BY 
 
 John Stuart Conning, D.D. 
 
 BV 2623 .H44 A3 1917 
 Hellyer, Henry L . , 1880- 
 From the rabbis to Christ 
 
FROM THE RABBIS 
 TO CHRIST: 
 
 OR 
 
 IN QUEST OF THE TRUTH 
 
 By H. L. HELLYER 
 
 PHILADELPHIA 
 THE WESTMINSTER PRESS 
 
 1917 
 
Copyright, 191 1 
 
 By the Trustees of The Presbyterian Board of Publication 
 
 and Sabbath-School Work 
 
 Published May, 1911 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Introduction 5 
 
 I. Living in the Talmud 7 
 
 II. A Son of the Law 18 
 
 III. In the School of the Rabbis.... 25 
 
 IV. Adrift 34 
 
 V. Groping in the Dark 53 
 
 VI. Coming to the Light 68 
 
Dedication of the Second Edition 
 
 To pious Jewish motherhood — to my own good 
 and faithful mother — this heartfelt experience is 
 most affectionately dedicated. It was she who toiled 
 patiently and bravely under adverse conditions and 
 circumstances within the narrow bounds of the Jew- 
 ish Pale in southern Russia, to give her boy the best 
 possible chance in life. It was she who, with the 
 utmost care and zeal, so instilled into my mind and 
 heart a faith in the God of our patriarchs, Abraham, 
 Isaac and Jacob, that it lingered in me and protected 
 me from utter spiritual ruin until the time came 
 when by his grace he found me and saved me. 
 
 The prayer of my inmost soul to the God of Israel 
 is that the same light which enlightened my own 
 dark and dreary life may also dawn upon her and all 
 dear ones whom I love more than my own life. 
 
 Henry L. Hellyer. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 Henry Leon Hellyer was born near Odessa. 
 Russia, in 1880; and he was brought up there 
 according to the strictest discipline of the Jews, 
 and with the expectation that he would become 
 a rabbi. At the age of fourteen, having fin- 
 ished all preparatory studies, he was sent to 
 western Russia to what with us would be 
 called a theological seminary. Losing his zeal. 
 if not his faith, he left this institution when 
 sixteen and went in quest of work to London 
 and thence to Glasgow. It was in the latter 
 place that he experienced the wonderful change 
 that his narrative describes. Determined to 
 live for the conversion of his people to the 
 Saviour, whom he himself had found so 
 precious, he came to Canada, entered the Bible 
 Training School at Toronto, and completed 
 the regular course of two years. Turning 
 then to the United States, he transferred his 
 church-membership to the church of which 
 Harris H. Gregg. D.D.. is pastor, in St. 
 Louis. Missouri, and entered the Preparatory 
 Department of Westminster College, Fulton, 
 Missouri. Graduating here after six years in 
 19 10, he entered Princeton Theological Semi- 
 5 
 
6 Introduction 
 
 nary, from which he graduated in 1913. Since 
 then he has been actively and successfully en- 
 gaged in mission work in Philadelphia among 
 the Jews and under the direction of the l'resby- 
 tery of Philadelphia in cooperation with the 
 Presbyterian Hoard of Home Missions, New 
 York. 
 
 Mr. Hellyer has given this account of his 
 conversion to the public for three reasons. He 
 would arouse sympathy for the Jews in the 
 hearts of Christians ; he would show how the 
 Jew may best be reached with the gospel ; and 
 he would present Christ to the Jew as he should 
 be presented to him. 
 
 Those of us who have read this little book 
 feel that it is well fitted to realize these ends. 
 It has revealed to us as we never even con- 
 ceived how much the Jew needs Christ, how 
 ignorant he is of him, and especially how out- 
 rageously he has misrepresented him. Our 
 earnest hope and prayer is that Cod will use 
 Mr. Hellyer for the salvation of his ancient 
 people and through him will hasten the day 
 when "all Israel shall he saved." 
 
 William Brenton Greene, Jr. 
 Princeton, Xew Jersey. 
 
I 
 
 LIVING IN THE TALMUD 
 
 How pleasant it is for the weary traveler 
 who has reached his happy home at the end 
 of a long, difficult journey to look back at 
 the rough road he has traveled. Sitting in 
 the cool shade of the sheltering trees, sur- 
 rounded by his own loved ones, safe and se- 
 cure from all danger, how he likes to tell 
 of the perils through which he has passed 
 and to give thanks to the Almighty for his 
 protection and guidance. And as he looks back 
 over the perilous road with its pits and snares 
 which he himself has so narrowly missed and 
 beholds his friends and brethren struggling 
 there, his heart goes out to them, and he raises 
 his voice to them, that perchance they may 
 hear him and heed his warning ere it is too 
 late. 
 
 In his incomprehensible and wonderful way, 
 God has led me through a seemingly inex- 
 tricable maze of dark caverns into the light 
 of his salvation through the blood of his Son, 
 
 7 
 
8 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 Jesus Christ. I cannot understand how he 
 did it; but this I know, that the Spirit of 
 God has rested upon me through Jesus, and 
 that, whereas I was lost, now I am saved. 
 
 I love to read the story of the transformation 
 of Saul of Tarsus, Acts 9:1-4, into Paul, 
 not only because in it is manifested the won- 
 derful power of the gospel of Christ unto 
 salvation, but also because the story of Paul's 
 conversion is that of the conversion of prac- 
 tically every Jew who comes into the fold 
 of Christ, and, therefore, my story also; and 
 because the zealous spirit shown by Paul, the 
 servant of Jesus Christ, is the spirit in which 
 labors every Jew who truly and sincerely en- 
 ters into fellowship with his Messiah, the Lamb 
 that taketh away the sin of the world. 
 
 I was born in southern Russia in 1880. My 
 parents were of the ordinary type of poor 
 Jews, who make up about ninety-five per cent 
 of the entire Jewish population of that locality. 
 They were very religious and zealous for the 
 Law of Moses as set forth, not by Moses — 
 as everyone who knows the conditions exist- 
 ing among the Jews will testify — but by the 
 rabbis in the Talmud, which is quite a dif- 
 ferent thing. At the age of four years, when 
 
Living in the Talmud 9 
 
 scarcely able to lisp, I was sent to a Jewish 
 private elementary school — die dor — where I 
 was taught to read Hebrew. That year my 
 father died, and then began on the part of 
 my mother a bitter struggle to maintain me 
 at school and to keep her own soul and body 
 together. To add to our misfortunes, our 
 house burned down, and mother was now 
 obliged to provide rent also. I was too young 
 to realize the severity of her struggles. Then 
 I already had enough to do to keep my entire 
 childish attention occupied. For, besides at- 
 tending to my studies, I was obliged to go, 
 during an entire year, twice daily to the syna- 
 gogue to repeat prayers for the repose of my 
 father's soul, as I was taught that this was 
 the only way to keep it out of purgatory. Also, 
 under the guidance of my dear mother and, like- 
 wise, of my teacher and companions at school 
 and elsewhere, all of whom were of the same 
 race and type as myself, I was occupied every 
 minute of my waking hours in either doing 
 something or avoiding doing something else, 
 for the sake of my own salvation, as well as 
 my father's repose and my mother's future 
 safety. We Jewish children were taught that 
 our parents — the dead as well as the living — 
 
10 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 were responsible for every one of our actions 
 or omissions until we should attain the age of 
 twelve. At that age every Jewish orphan 
 becomes personally responsible to his Maker. 
 Those Jewish children who have both parents 
 living receive an additional year of grace. 
 There were six hundred and thirteen com- 
 mandments of the Law which I had to ob- 
 serve, besides customs too numerous to men- 
 tion, which were to be observed just as strictly 
 as if they had been commandments ! The in- 
 fraction of any one of them meant damnation. 
 
 If, in my childish speculations, I ever ven- 
 tured to ask why a certain act was either com- 
 manded or prohibited, I invariably received a 
 stern rebuke. "Jews are not permitted to in- 
 quire," I would be told. "Such is the Law, 
 and anyone expressing doubts or inquisitive- 
 ness exhibits a dangerous tendency toward be- 
 coming a 'Goi' (Christian), or a 'Meshumod' 
 (renegade Jew)." 
 
 Such answers soon put an effective check 
 to any inclinations that I may have possessed 
 for research beyond the six hundred and thir- 
 teen commandments and the several thousand 
 customs. The word Christian was in itself 
 sufficient to make the hair stand on end with 
 
Living in the Talmud 1 1 
 
 terror on any Jewish head ; for, as everybody 
 knew, the Christians were the boys with the 
 brutal faces who ran about bare-footed with 
 whips and cudgels in their hands, attacking 
 every Jewish boy they met, and from whom 
 I myself had been obliged to flee on more than 
 one occasion. Christians never went to a 
 Jewish cheder (school), nor to a synagogue; 
 did not study the Commandments, did not know 
 the Jewish God ; instead, they ran about wild, 
 cursed and blasphemed, went to churches 
 ( horrible thought ! ) and ate pork ! And, of 
 course, I was going to keep all the command- 
 ments and all the customs, and even invent 
 new ones, if possible, rather than become as 
 one of them. As the years passed by, the 
 gulf between me and the Christians grew ever 
 wider and deeper. 
 
 In the meantime, I had learned to read 
 Hebrew quite fluently and had been instructed 
 in the book of Leviticus. At the age of eight 
 years I was given to understand that, as I 
 had now reached a mature age, and had studied 
 as much of the Bible as was desirable or even 
 permissible to a true Jew without the saving 
 guidance of the Talmud (lest the word of God 
 lead him into error and so to eternal dam- 
 
12 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 nation) it was now incumbent upon me to 
 begin the study of the Talmud forthwith. 
 
 My mother's poverty had increased with the 
 wars. Yet she struggled bravely, and often 
 denied herself food, to the end that I might 
 continue my studies, as her life's ambition was 
 to see me become a rabbi. 
 
 My elder brother was working at the tailor's 
 trade. Under the local industrial conditions, 
 lie was obliged to devote many hours each day 
 to his work in order to earn even the bare 
 necessities of life, and was therefore deprived 
 of all opportunity to study the Law. In other 
 words, he was of no spiritual value to his 
 parents, to himself or to the Jewish community. 
 He was lost. Having thus lost one son, my 
 mother redoubled her efforts to save me by 
 maintaining me at school, and often spoke to 
 me of the glorious future which awaited me 
 as a rabbi in Israel, whose duty it would be 
 to expound the intricate points of the Law- 
 concerning "clean" and "unclean" food and 
 other matters of like vast importance. She told 
 me of the certainty of a high place in heaven 
 after such a life on earth, and of her own 
 bright prospects hereafter as the result of hav- 
 ing produced such a son. 
 
Living in the Talmud 13 
 
 As I grew older, I became more and more 
 absorbed in the study of the Talmud. At the 
 same time my feelings toward the Christians 
 grew more and more bitter. The Christians 
 caused us Jews to live huddled together in 
 miserable little towns, without the opportunity 
 to earn a reasonable livelihood ; the Chris- 
 tians occupied all the government positions to 
 which no Jew durst even aspire ; the Chris- 
 tians owned all the lands in the country, the 
 Christians frequently got drunk and boisterous, 
 and assaulted and robbed, or even murdered, 
 the Jews. What, then, could a Jew have in 
 common with a Christian ? 
 
 While I was forming this unfavorable 
 opinion of the Christians, my teacher and my 
 companions took particular care to discredit 
 in my sight their chief abomination, Jesus 
 Christ, the God of the Christians, who was 
 worshiped in those abominable and detestable 
 places, the Christian churches. Who did not 
 know the true history of that blasphemer and 
 impostor ! Before I reached the age of ten 
 years, I had the following account of my 
 Saviour drilled into my mind. 
 
 Jesus was the illegitimate son of Mary. She 
 never spoke to the boy of the circumstances 
 
14 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 surrounding his birth, but, of course, the en- 
 tire community among which they lived knew 
 them well, and the children with whom Jesus 
 associated frequently taunted him with them. 
 To his persistent inquiries, his mother gave 
 only evasive answers, and Jesus finally, tired 
 of being thwarted, determined to learn the 
 truth. One day his mother stooped into an 
 open trunk in search of something ; this was 
 the boy's opportunity. In an instant he had 
 dropped the lid on her neck and threatened 
 to decapitate her if she did not confess the 
 truth. She confessed, and Jesus then and there 
 determined to make a name for himself in 
 spite of his ignoble birth, and at whatever cost. 
 Accordingly, he betook himself to Egypt and 
 was there instructed by the magi in the various 
 secret incantations which gave those wise men 
 the power to perform miracles. Upon his re- 
 turn to his native land, he imitated the magi 
 and soon obtained a numerous following as a 
 miracle worker. One day, inflated by his suc- 
 cesses, he proclaimed himself God ; this 
 angered the rabbis, who attacked him, com- 
 pelling him to flee for safety, and he ran into 
 the only place whither the Jews dared not 
 follow him — the Holy of holies — as it meant 
 
Living in the Talmud 15 
 
 instant death for anyone except the High 
 Priest — and to him also except on the Day of 
 Atonement — to enter that place. Here Jesus 
 possessed himself of the tablet on which was 
 inscribed the name of Jehovah (the Shem 
 Hamforash), and by secret combinations of 
 its letters, and by magic incantations, he was 
 enabled to soar into the air. At this many 
 fell down and worshiped him. At the sight 
 of such terrible blasphemy, the rabbis rent 
 their garments, and one from amongst them, 
 a particularly holy man, offered up an earnest 
 prayer imploring the God of the Jews to give 
 him greater power than that possessed by the 
 impostor, to the end that he might save his 
 people Israel from the terrible danger that 
 threatened them of becoming idolaters. Im- 
 mediately his prayer was answered ; he rose 
 higher in the air than Jesus was able to fly, 
 and sought to confound and humiliate his op- 
 ponent by an unmentionable act. As might 
 have been expected, under these circumstances, 
 his incantations immediately lost their effect ; 
 Jesus fell to the ground and was promptly 
 crucified by the rabbis. And this was "their 
 God." 
 
 Having gained this knowledge of what I 
 
16 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 was told was his true history, I hated and 
 despised him even more than before, and my 
 contempt for the blinded, foolish Christians 
 increased ; likewise, my resentment against 
 them for worshiping such an unclean, blas- 
 phemous impostor, who had actually dared op- 
 pose the rabbis ! And I exulted over the fact 
 that he had met his deserts on the cross. The 
 churches, until then unclean to me, became 
 a hundredfold more detestable and execrable; 
 in passing them, it was my duty — if I wished 
 to preserve my prospects for future salvation — 
 to expectorate in their direction and to pro- 
 nounce anathemas against them. The Chris- 
 tians who were sometimes gathered in their 
 courts inspired me with terror and repelled 
 me beyond description. 
 
 At home and at school I daily heard reports 
 of new atrocities committed by the Christians 
 against the Jews ; I was taught that I could 
 expect nothing else from people who wor- 
 shiped an impostor who had bequeathed to his 
 followers his hatred for the Jews for the op- 
 probrium cast upon him. The news of the 
 most oppressive measures enacted by the 
 government, or the most horrible crimes com- 
 mitted by the populace against the Jews, awak- 
 
Living in the Talmud 17 
 
 ened no surprise in me, but only resentment 
 against them and "their God." My resentment 
 was made all the greater when — in our boyish 
 quarrels — the Christians openly asserted that 
 to mistreat an unbelieving Jew was equivalent 
 to an act of worship and greatly redounded 
 to the glory of Jesus Christ. 
 
 I write this not in a spirit of anger — God 
 forbid ! — but with profound pity both for the 
 unfortunate Russians, whose Christianity con- 
 sists entirely in Greek ritualism with very 
 little trace of spirituality, and for my 
 equally unfortunate Jewish brethren who dwell 
 among them and who have come to regard the 
 religion of their Russian oppressors as true 
 Christianity ; they have never heard of any 
 other. Between these two races there is con- 
 stantly kept up the vicious circle formed by 
 brutality and ignorance on one side, and re- 
 sentment and misunderstanding on the other. 
 
II 
 
 A SON OF THE LAW 
 
 Time went on, and with it also my study 
 of the Talmud. As I grew older, my plays 
 became fewer and my studies more constant. 
 Steadily my life was settling into the rut of 
 fulfilling the Law. But as yet I was com- 
 paratively free from care for my spiritual 
 safety, for, as I had not yet reached my 
 twelfth year, the burden of my transgressions 
 fell on my deceased father and on my mother. 
 I tried to live according to the Law, and at 
 times I felt quite proud of myself for the 
 reason that, having it in my power to cause 
 my parents untold suffering in the hereafter, 
 I was meek and loving enough to do my best 
 in the opposite direction. I felt particularly 
 proud when some of our Jewish neighbors 
 remarked upon my conduct to my mother. 
 
 As I approached my twelfth birthday, when 
 I would become a "Son of the Law" and as- 
 sume full responsibility before God for all 
 of my actions, mother often spoke to me about 
 
 18 
 
A Son of the Law 19 
 
 the approaching event, setting forth its im- 
 portance and significance, and admonishing me 
 to beware of the consequences of any possible 
 thoughtlessness on my part in connection with 
 the Law. I felt very important at the thought 
 that I would at last join the community of 
 Israel as an independent member, sharing in 
 its blessings and privileges in this world, and 
 in its hopes and promises in the world to come. 
 
 At last the fateful day arrived. In a night 
 I was transferred from a child into a man. 
 My heart swelled with pride when, for the 
 first time, I found myself praying with phy- 
 lacteries on my forehead and on my left arm. 
 I felt that a great change had taken place in 
 my life, though I did not, as yet, realize its 
 full import. I knew that I was free to act 
 as I pleased with regard to the Law, my mother 
 being no longer responsible for my actions, 
 could now only advise, but not command. I 
 was an independent and free member of the 
 community, and I was satisfied. 
 
 But, like Jonah's gourd, this satisfaction, 
 born of the consciousness of my self-importance 
 and based upon nothing substantial, perished 
 the selfsame day and left in its stead dread, 
 doubt and uncertainty. I was now a Jew de- 
 
20 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 pendent on my own actions for my salvation. 
 While no longer responsible for my religious 
 behavior to my mother, I had become respon- 
 sible to a being of vastly greater power, 
 namely, Jehovah, who, as I well knew, could 
 consume me with the breath of his nostrils. 
 His eye was now upon me watching to see 
 whether I repeated every word of my morning 
 and evening prayers, or omitted a sentence ; 
 whether, on the Sabbath, I carried my pocket 
 handkerchief tied around my thigh, as I should, 
 or dared leave it in my pocket, permitting it 
 to constitute a burden and thus laboring by 
 carrying it ; whether, on the same day, I dared 
 touch the only copper coin I possessed in order 
 to ascertain whether it was still safe in my 
 pocket or had been, peradventure, lost. His 
 threatening hand was ever extended over me. 
 Every step I made, every glance I cast, every 
 word I uttered or failed to utter, every move 
 of my every muscle, was to be a factor in my 
 future state. I could no longer cast the burden 
 of my sins on my poor mother, nor on my 
 deceased father; I, I myself, was the respon- 
 sible party. I had no excuse for neglecting the 
 works, for I had received four years' instruc- 
 tion in the Talmud and was acquainted with 
 
A Son of the Law 21 
 
 the six hundred and thirteen commandments 
 and with many of the fences built around them 
 by the rabbis, as well as with some of the 
 secondary fences built around the first row. 
 
 My life, therefore, became very strenuous, 
 but even then I could not remain satisfied, for, 
 in the first place, there were points which the 
 rabbis had disputed but had left undecided. 
 What was I, a poor child, to do when the 
 rabbis had been unable to arrive at a con- 
 clusion as to what was best to do? Yet, act 
 I must, for life was not a theory, but a stern 
 reality. 
 
 My instructor could not enlighten me on 
 such points ; being helpless himself, he en- 
 deavored to conceal his helplessness by be- 
 coming angry whenever I ventured to approach 
 him on this ground. "What impudence," he 
 would cry, ''what audacity ; what presumption 
 to seek answers to questions which our rab- 
 bis — blessed be their memory — did not see fit 
 to answer !" 
 
 I could not go to my mother for advice, 
 for the men alone study the Law in Israel. 
 What was I to do? 
 
 Then there was the dictum of the rabbis, 
 "All Jews are responsible one for another," 
 
22 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 continually staring me in the face. Of what 
 avail was my own strict religious life, when 
 so many other Jews neglected their duty? 
 With all of my prayers and fasting, how could 
 I ever escape eternal damnation, when I knew 
 several boys who omitted at least half of 
 their prayers? And how could I hope for 
 mercy, when several of our Jews had gone 
 over to the Christians? 
 
 Slowly life lost its charms and finally be- 
 came a veritable nightmare. With every 
 breath I drew, I felt that I was accumulating 
 sin upon sin, and I also felt that I was power- 
 less to stem the tide. And many a time I 
 wished that God had been merciful enough 
 to remove me from this world before I 
 had reached my twelfth birthday, for then I 
 should have appeared before him pure and 
 guiltless. 
 
 At this juncture an apparent ray of light 
 shone out from amidst the gloom. In the 
 prayers for the Day of Atonement I read, 
 "Repentance and Prayer and Charity remove 
 the evil of the decree.'' Here was hope in- 
 deed ; this, at last, was so clear that no one 
 could mistake its meaning. Surely, I need no 
 longer be troubled in spirit about uncertainty 
 
A Son of the Law 23 
 
 in action. Repentance, Prayer and Charity. 
 How easy ! Once again my salvation was se- 
 cure, and once again my spirits rose to a very 
 high pitch. I repented of all of my sins of 
 commission and omission ; I redoubled my 
 zeal at prayer and repeated the Psalms, and 
 I gave my only copper coin to the poor. For 
 a while I was contented. 
 
 But this condition was only a short truce. 
 Very soon I noticed that prayer could not 
 help me decide the questions which the rabbis 
 had left undecided ; that I could not repent 
 of all of my sins, for sometimes I forgot all 
 about some sins I had committed ; that it was 
 absolutely impossible for me to repent of the 
 sins which other Jews had committed and for 
 which I, nevertheless, was responsible ; and 
 that I had nothing to give to the poor, for I 
 was very poor myself. Thus, my poverty be- 
 came a barrier to my salvation. Only the rich 
 could purchase a place in heaven ! 
 
 My life became a veritable torture. I saw 
 the gates of heaven closed in my face, hope- 
 lessly and forever. Whether I kept the Law 
 or desisted, I felt that I was only adding to 
 the strength of the locks and bolts. And as I 
 studied the position of the Jewish community 
 
24 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 generally, my heart sank still lower within 
 me and I could only repeat with the prophet, 
 "All we like sheep have gone astray ; we have 
 turned every one to his own way." 
 
 In my anguish, I cried out to God for en- 
 lightenment, but no answer came. Everything 
 around me pointed toward me as the archi- 
 tect of my own salvation, and toward the 
 Law as the means. 
 
Ill 
 
 IN THE SCHOOL OF THE RABBIS 
 
 At the age of fourteen years I had finished 
 all preparatory studies. It was now necessary 
 for me — if I was to become a rabbi — to re- 
 pair to a "Yeshiva," a seat of higher learning, 
 there to receive further training. Accordingly, 
 I set out for western Russia. I had no 
 money, and was therefore obliged to travel on 
 foot. The journey was Long, weary and 
 tedious ; I was footsore and — the greater part 
 of the time — hungry, but my spirits were buoy- 
 ant, for I realized that now at last I was going 
 to a place where I would receive proper train- 
 ing in the Law ; where all dark things would 
 be illumined with the wisdom of the rabbis ; 
 where all doubts would disappear; where, in 
 a word, I would leave the Judaism of the 
 common people behind me and penetrate into 
 the mysterious realms of the Judaism of the 
 elect of Israel. 
 
 I dared not look beyond that, for the sight 
 that met my gaze was too dazzling to be true. 
 
 25 
 
26 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 I could see myself, after the lapse of a few 
 years, a holy rabbi, seated at the head of a 
 long table, poring over tomes of the Law, and 
 explaining to the people the intricate points 
 connected with such things as the proper 
 slaughtering of poultry, or a piece of beef 
 which has accidentally come into contact with 
 a drop of milk, and other matters just as 
 intimately connected with the salvation of 
 Israel. And everybody who came to me ad- 
 dressed me as "Rabbi" and awaited my de- 
 cision with bated breath ! On my word hung 
 the fate of the chicken or the piece of beef; 
 according to my decision, the meat would serve 
 as food to a Jewish family or go to a "Goi" 
 at reduced rates. The prospect was so dazzling 
 I scarcely dared contemplate it. 
 
 With an indescribable sense of awe I en- 
 tered the great seat of higher learning. I 
 imagined myself in the presence of God him- 
 self and scarcely dared breathe. The in- 
 structors there appeared to me as spiritual 
 beings removed far above the earth and in 
 direct communication with God on high — just 
 such men, in fact, as I had been given to un- 
 derstand the authors of the Talmud had been 
 before them. The students seemed to me to 
 
In the School of the Rabbis 27 
 
 reflect in their faces the spirituality of the 
 masters. And how could it be otherwise? 
 Were they not all prospective rabbis — holy 
 men in Israel without sin or blemish? 
 
 Eagerly I took my seat. With bated breath 
 I began the study of the Law, expecting to 
 see heaven open and the whole mysterious truth 
 of Judaism burst upon me in all its radiance 
 and glory. 
 
 During the first few days things bore a 
 peculiar air of sanctity ; but when my first 
 impressions wore away, I began to notice 
 things as they really were. My studies were 
 in nowise different from those which I had 
 pursued during the preceding few years ; they 
 were only more advanced. The air was filled 
 with the same old disputes and doubts ; the 
 masters displayed the same old impatience at 
 any attempt on the part of the students tc 
 explain the things which the rabbis had left 
 unexplained. Every tendency toward inde- 
 pendent research was throttled in its incipiency ; 
 every attempt at original thought was decried 
 as damnable heresy. They must all travel the 
 beaten track without deviating an iota either to 
 the right or to the left. 
 
 I still consoled myself with the idea that 
 
28 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 God, in his wisdom, had revealed to his chil- 
 dren as much of the Law as was necessary for 
 them to know, and that these present and 
 future leaders of Israel, surely knew the 
 ground on which they stood. It behooved me, 
 then, to study my masters and my colleagues 
 and gain salvation by imitating their lives. 
 
 After the first few weeks, when the novelty 
 of the situation had worn entirely off and my 
 studies had become a matter of mere routine, 
 I began to study the surroundings. The in- 
 structors were too important looking and too 
 overbearing in manner to be approached. 
 When, in the course of my studies, I did 
 muster up sufficient courage to approach one 
 of them for an explanation of an obscure pas- 
 sage, he looked at me with great contempt 
 for my evident ignorance and — in a severe tone 
 and very rapidly — explained the passage, ap- 
 parently to his own satisfaction, and, turning 
 in his chair, devoted his attention to another 
 student. I was left dazed and bewildered. I 
 never dared nor cared to ask for any more 
 elucidations. 
 
 In the dozen or more prospective rabbis who 
 studied at the same table with me I was greatly 
 disappointed. To say that there was a lack 
 
In the School of the Rabbis 29 
 
 of spirituality about them is to express it very 
 mildly. Their business in life was to spend 
 a certain number of hours each day in the 
 unavoidable but evidently very irksome study 
 of the Law in order that when reasonably 
 proficient therein, they might obtain a rab- 
 binate or open a school and thus be enabled 
 to live. 
 
 Their studies were interrupted by frequent 
 intervals during which much gossip of a social 
 and political nature was indulged in. They 
 lived in a world of their own creation. It 
 would have been amusing to an intelligent per- 
 son to listen to the views which those young 
 men expressed on the current topics of the 
 day, exhibiting as they did their awful ig- 
 norance of the most elementary propositions 
 connected with anything outside the Yeshiva. 
 Their conversation on more intimate subjects 
 was not always fit for the ears of a boy 
 of my tender years. 
 
 Having been disappointed at my own table, 
 I determined to get acquainted with and study 
 some of the students who were very near the 
 completion of their studies. Some of the men, 
 indeed, had already completed their work; 
 they occasionally served as assistant instructors 
 
30 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 while waiting for vacancies that they might 
 begin their rabbinical careers. Like the mas- 
 ters, they had become inflated with the idea of 
 their own importance, and their pride and 
 arrogance before the younger students knew 
 no bounds. However, by exhibiting a due 
 spirit of humility and submission, I managed 
 to get better acquainted with some of them. 
 To my disgust, I noticed that they were es- 
 sentially the same as the students by whom I 
 was surrounded at my own table ; they were 
 only a few years older and they knew a lit- 
 tle more of the Law. Their main object now — 
 while waiting for a rabbinate — was to find a 
 wife who possessed money. It did not matter 
 what else the young woman might be — all 
 daughters of Israel were alike — but she must 
 have money, and her parents must be able 
 to support the newly married pair for a 
 number of years. The more proficient the 
 young man was in the knowledge of the 
 Law, the more money must his prospective 
 bride have, and the more years must he be 
 supported. 
 
 My admiration soon turned to disgust, and 
 later to an absolute loathing. I loathed the 
 Yeshiva and all that it contained. Higher 
 
In the School of the Rabbis 31 
 
 Judaism with its mysteries had now vanished. 
 There remained the same old doubts and un- 
 certainties. Even the prospect of becoming a 
 rabbi had lost its charms, for it meant that I 
 must resemble — eventually — those young men. 
 
 Satan had his dwelling place in that Yeshiva. 
 In his subtle way, he began to whisper into 
 my ears that it was absolutely useless to look 
 for higher ideals — that there were none. The 
 whole world was corrupt, and the leaders of 
 the people more so than others. God's mercy 
 and salvation were a myth; God had never 
 meant to save humanity ; he had given us 
 the conception of heaven for the sole purpose 
 of tantalizing us into vain attempts at getting 
 into it, but its gates were eternally and hope- 
 lessly shut against us. Religion was a de- 
 lusion, a cloak to beguile people into paying 
 the expenses of the learned ones. As for 
 truth and union with God — these were non- 
 existent. 
 
 I cannot tell whether I was the only one 
 in that institution tortured by such thoughts. 
 I took good care to conceal my feelings from 
 those around me ; perhaps others acted in the 
 same manner. I had to bear my burden alone 
 and watch myself sinking deeper and deeper 
 
32 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 into indifference and hypocrisy. I was threat- 
 ened with spiritual annihilation. However, my 
 early training asserted itself before it was too 
 late. 
 
 My loathing for the school grew daily until 
 it turned to a veritable horror of it. I could 
 no longer bear the thought of remaining an 
 inmate of it — a living lie — or of associating 
 with the prospective rabbis. I realized that 
 to remain where I was meant spiritual decay 
 and final death. One day I concluded to leave 
 the place. 
 
 Then began a period of wandering through- 
 out Russia in search of a spot where a poor 
 Jewish youth could find work to do and a 
 place to live. But wherever I went I found 
 the same conditions prevailing as in my native 
 place. The Russians were everywhere wor- 
 shiping ikons of the "Mother of God'" and 
 of numerous saints, and striving to avenge 
 the crucifixion by oppressing and mistreating 
 the Jews ; while the latter were striving to 
 live up to the letter of the Law, in total dis- 
 regard of its spirit, and nourishing an im- 
 placable hatred for Christ and his followers. 
 Not a single missionary voice was raised in 
 all the confines of that vast empire to tell to the 
 
In the School of the Rabbis 33 
 
 Jew of the loving Saviour whose wounds bled 
 anew at every crime committed in his name. 
 
 Disappointed with my brethren in Russia, I 
 crossed the border into Austria ; I traversed 
 Germany and crossed into England. Every- 
 where I found bigotry and fanaticism, modified, 
 it is true, by history and surrounding circum- 
 stances, but nowhere eradicated. I was look- 
 ing for perfection and found none. Wherever 
 I went among my brethren, the Law was the 
 only thing offered me as of supreme impor- 
 tance, and the Law could not satisfy me. 
 
 Finding no rest abroad, I returned to my 
 native place and confided my troubles to my 
 dear mother. With tears in my eyes, I ex- 
 plained to her the doubts that tormented me 
 and gave me no rest, and begged her to sug- 
 gest something that would reassure me. She 
 listened very patiently and at last very sooth- 
 ingly said : 
 
 "My son, this restlessness is sent upon you 
 as a punishment from the God of Israel for 
 your sin of leaving home. Stay here, my child, 
 resemble the rest of the Jews, observe the 
 Law, and you shall be satisfied and find rest 
 for your weary soul." 
 
 I left for England again. 
 
IV 
 
 ADRIFT 
 
 After varied experiences in Hull and in 
 London, I finally found myself working at the 
 tailor's trade in Glasgow, Scotland. I was 
 now a well-grown youth, able to discern things. 
 My scruples in regard to my spiritual life 
 had left me, to a certain extent ; the old doubts 
 no longer troubled me; my fears concerning 
 my salvation slumbered. From association 
 with various Jews in various walks of life, 
 my religious life had become, like theirs, a 
 mere succession of mechanical observances of 
 certain rites, and repetition of certain prayers 
 at certain times. All round me trusted to the 
 Law for their salvation ; why not I ? 
 
 I passed my days at the tailor's shop where 
 I was employed, and my evenings at the lodg- 
 ing house where I shared a poorly furnished 
 room with several other young Jews in the 
 same poor circumstances as myself. Here my 
 time was spent in reading such literature as I 
 could understand. Being of a contemplative 
 
 34 
 
Adrift 35 
 
 disposition, I did not seek any outside amuse- 
 ments, and my life flowed very smoothly. 
 
 Of course, I lived amongst my own brethren 
 as I had in Russia, and as in Russia, too, I 
 was surrounded by Christians. For some 
 reason the latter never forced themselves upon 
 my attention, and — strangely enough — I could 
 sometimes forget that I was a Jew, and that 
 some of the people around me were not Jews, 
 but Christians. Scotchmen or Englishmen to 
 me were only Scotchmen or Englishmen, and 
 although they went to church, I seriously sus- 
 pected that they were not true Christians, else 
 — surely — they would have persecuted me. As 
 I had no occasion to dread them, I did not 
 hate them. Those who claimed to be the fol- 
 lowers of Jesus had ceased to interfere with my 
 peace and well-being, and I soon ceased to 
 think of Jesus. But he had noticed me. 
 
 Among my roommates there were two 
 young Jews of unsettled habits and very elas- 
 tic morals. Often, while I remained in my 
 room during the evening, they spent their time 
 in sundry resorts and returned usually late, 
 rather the worse for liquor, boisterous, using 
 unbecoming language and, seemingly, proud 
 of their condition. Though my religious sense 
 
 
36 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 was slumbering, the shock of the misbehavior 
 of these two Jews at times reawakened it. 
 They were a thorn in my side, first, because 
 they were Jews, members of the chosen race, 
 whose prime business in life should have been 
 the fulfillment of the Law ; and, second, be- 
 cause I knew that I was responsible for them 
 before God, and that the greatest devotion on 
 my part would fail to atone for such sins. To 
 my remonstrances they answered with sneers 
 and blasphemy, and their wickedness grew 
 from day to day. 
 
 I had given them up as hopeless, sent into 
 this world by Jehovah as a further punishment 
 of Israel for their great sins, when, to my 
 surprise and gratification, I began to notice a 
 change in the two young men. They still 
 spent their evenings away from home and re- 
 turned late, but they were now quiet in their 
 manner, and if one of them attempted to use 
 boisterous language, the other would check him 
 with the question, "What would Mr. Matthews 
 think of this ?" At times their old habits would 
 reassert themselves ; but after such occurrences 
 they usually looked ashamed and depressed in 
 spirit. 
 
 I asked them where they now spent their 
 
Adrift 37 
 
 w<mings. They answered that they went to 
 a mission presided over by a Jew who had 
 accepted Christianity and was preaching Christ 
 to the Jews. They added that I could derive 
 some spiritual benefit from an occasional visit 
 to that place. 
 
 In an instant my old prejudices and my old 
 hatred for Christ and Christianity returned in 
 all their vehemence, and I literally fumed and 
 raged. The idea of asking me, a true and 
 faithful son of Abraham, to profane the holy 
 name of God by going to a mission and listen- 
 ing to a "Meshumod" preaching "their God," 
 "the God of the Gentiles !" If the preacher 
 had been only a poor, ignorant Gentile 
 (although, of course, I should not have gone 
 to listen to his profanity) the invitation of 
 those two Jews would not have been so pre- 
 posterous, for a Gentile could not be expected 
 to understand the enormity of his blasphemy 
 in exalting the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 
 But a Jew ! Think of a Jew who had the 
 Law and who knew the true God, preaching 
 idolatry and inviting his brethren to leave the 
 God of our fathers and to worship the man 
 who not only hated us himself, but commanded 
 his followers to hate and persecute us ! Think 
 
38 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 of a Jew advising his brethren to bow their 
 knees before the images of the "Mother of 
 God" and of the saints, to go to church and 
 do the thousands of things which, as I thought, 
 went to make up the Christian religion ! And 
 I shuddered as I recollected some of the Jews 
 in Russia who had gone over to "them." I 
 cannot describe my feelings towards those 
 men, in fact, it would be useless to attempt it, 
 for only an orthodox Jew can conceive the 
 depth of my hatred for them. 
 
 It was in vain that my two Jewish friends 
 endeavored to explain to me that their mis- 
 sionary did not resemble the typical Christian 
 of my conception. To me all converts from 
 Judaism were alike, pledged to carry out what 
 I had been taught were the behests of Jesus 
 to hate the Jews as long as the world en- 
 dured. Then, I was sure, their motives in 
 embracing Christianity were in every case of 
 the most sordid kind. I remembered one young 
 Jew in Russia, a school-teacher, who had ap- 
 plied for a position to which was attached a 
 monthly salary of ten roubles in excess of 
 that which he was receiving. On being in- 
 formed that his religion barred him from that 
 position, he promptly "became a Christian" 
 
Adrift 39 
 
 by joining the Greek church, and received the 
 coveted appointment. I remembered another 
 young Jew who had become a Christian for 
 the sake of a petty commission in the army, 
 which no Jew could hold in Russia. Still an- 
 other one had done the same thing for the 
 sake of a position as schoolmaster in a village 
 school, with a salary of twelve rubles a 
 month ! Think of a Jew consenting to wor- 
 ship in a place of abomination during his entire 
 lifetime here and to go to eternal perdition 
 after death for the sake of such miserable in- 
 ducements ! And that was not the end of the 
 story of their degradation. Their Christian 
 neighbors (although glad, of course, to have 
 won over at least a few of the unbelievers 
 to their side), could not, in their sober mo- 
 ments, fail to see into their mercenary motives, 
 and looked upon them with suspicion ; it be- 
 hooved them, therefore, to manifest a great 
 zeal for the cause of Christ and, as a rule, 
 they vied with the Gentiles in going to mass, 
 in observing the feasts and the fasts and, par- 
 ticularly, in hating and persecuting their 
 (former) brethren. When, in connection with 
 this religious zeal, we take into consideration 
 the fact that these renegades were, without ex- 
 
40 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 ception, confirmed infidels, their character will 
 stand out clear and well defined. As a conse- 
 quence, their names were a hissing and a 
 byword in every Jewish household, and shame 
 and reproach were heaped upon every man, 
 woman and child in any way connected with 
 them. 
 
 And this missionary into whose unclean 
 place my two friends were trying to entice 
 me, what could he be, but another of those 
 miserable, sordid renegades, who had con- 
 tracted with the Devil to preach Jesus and 
 persecute the poor, innocent Jews, while his 
 life endured, for the sake of some monetary 
 consideration ? I felt certain that such were 
 the facts in the case. And as for his eager- 
 ness to preach Christ to the Jews, was not 
 that an indication of his great hatred for our 
 race? What other means could he have se- 
 lected half as efficacious for bringing misery 
 upon Israel as the inducing of some of the 
 weaker members of the community to damn 
 their own souls and those of their relatives for 
 all eternity ? Incidentally, their great crime re- 
 flected on the safety of all Israel, for we were 
 all responsible one for another. Altogether, 
 it was a diabolical scheme, cunningly laid and 
 
Adrift 41 
 
 carried out. The missionary was altogether 
 too horrible a creature to associate with. 
 
 My two Jewish friends had not as yet be- 
 come Christians, although they had been visit- 
 ing the mission for some time, and, on the 
 whole, they were morally improved. But then, 
 they were really as bad as Christians, for they 
 did not observe the Law at all, and their 
 morals were very loose. And, after all, it 
 would have been better for them if they had 
 remained in their horrible state, for now they 
 were confronted by the tremendous danger 
 of becoming Christians, in comparison with 
 which drunkenness and all other crimes were 
 mere pastime and innocent amusements. 
 
 I firmly resolved to steer clear of the ac- 
 cursed place; and I strove to forget it. 
 
 However, my curiosity had been aroused. 
 Often, when the two Jewish youths returned 
 home, sober and in good spirits, I caught my- 
 self speculating on the nature of the mission. 
 I ascribed these thoughts to Satan, and earn- 
 estly prayed to God to deliver me from the 
 tempter. But in spite of my prayers the de- 
 sire to visit the mission grew stronger and 
 stronger within me. 
 
 One incident particularly served to stimulate 
 
42 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 this desire. One evening my two Jewish 
 friends returned from their usual haunts rather 
 late, and I could see at a glance that they 
 had not spent the evening at the mission. 
 They were discussing their exploits with evi- 
 dent satisfaction, when one of them suddenly 
 interrupted his friend, exclaiming, "That is 
 all very well, only, what would Mr. Matthews 
 say to this ?" A hush fell over the two young 
 men and they both looked guilty and ashamed. 
 I was greatly astonished and asked them if 
 Mr. Matthews, being a renegade, would not 
 rejoice if he knew that they were so very 
 bad, almost as bad as Christians? "As bad 
 as Christians?" they said. "Henry, you know 
 not whereof you speak. We can never be 
 like them, for true Christians are good." Of 
 course this appeared so ridiculous that I burst 
 out laughing. Who could imagine a good 
 Christian? My friends simply said, "Come 
 and see." They seemed so positive about their 
 statement that I began to think at times that, 
 possibly, I had received a false impression of 
 the Christians. Such thoughts were only fleet- 
 ing, for the next moment I usually thought, 
 "But think of the Man they follow !" How 
 can they be good ? Nevertheless, my desire to 
 
Adrift 43 
 
 visit the mission grew stronger and stronger. 
 Once I had almost offered the two young men 
 to accompany them, when the horror of the 
 contemplated step presented itself to me in all 
 its blackness. 
 
 So the summer passed. The evenings grew 
 longer and colder and more tedious in the 
 cheerless lodging house. My two friends spent 
 correspondingly happier hours at the mission ; 
 they looked very comfortable on returning. 
 
 I now permitted myself more often to think 
 of the place which they described in such at- 
 tractive terms, and gradually the place began 
 to lose its terrible aspect. At least, I reasoned, 
 no possible harm could befall me if I should 
 step into the mission, for no one could compel 
 me to become a Christian against my will, 
 although there is this common belief among 
 the Jews that the missionaries often use trick- 
 ery once they have you inside their mission. 
 One of their favorite methods (so we were 
 told) was to brand a cross upon the seduced's 
 left arm on the place where one of the phy- 
 lacteries is put during the morning worship. 
 This is done by every foul means imaginable ; 
 its purpose is that the victim might never again 
 be able to return to Judaism. Perhaps my 
 
44 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 influence would serve to bring- the poor, miser- 
 able renegade back to his duties as a Jew ! 
 
 One evening, when my friends found me 
 particularly depressed they urged me to come 
 with them to the mission. I consented. But 
 the next instant I began to feel that I was a 
 monster, a traitor to the cause of Israel, 
 to the Law and to the God of the Jews. I 
 thought of my mother, my sister, my brother 
 and of the everlasting shame that I would 
 bring upon them by my thoughtless and blas- 
 phemous act. I, a true Jew, a son of Abraham, 
 Isaac and Jacob, a child of the Law, would 
 step into a Christian mission and listen to the 
 blasphemous teachings of the Jew-hating, God- 
 hating Christ ; who commanded men to in- 
 dulge in all of those excesses to which the 
 Christians gave themselves up, in obedience to 
 his voice ! If, as the rabbis taught, I was 
 entitled to a reward for merely entering the 
 synagogue, even though I did not pray, then 
 I would be, of course, in danger of damnation 
 for entering an abominable mission, even 
 though I did not bow to Jesus. I grew nervous 
 and could scarcely eat my food ; but, desiring 
 to appear strong and brave, I concluded not 
 to withdraw my consent. 
 
Adrift 45 
 
 After supper I started for the mission. My 
 heart beat wildly and my cheeks grew pale as 
 we approached the terrible place. I fancied 
 that all Israel was looking at me, and I cast 
 furtive glances to see if any Jews saw me. 
 Fortunately, the mission was situated away 
 from the Jewish quarter, and I met no Jews. 
 Several times I was on the point of bolting, 
 but the desire to appear brave restrained me. 
 My brain was on fire, my knees were bending 
 under me, a thousand voices rang in my ears, 
 each one crying that I was lost, lost ! 
 
 Yet I could not resist the force that was 
 impelling me onward, for it was God himself 
 who, in his great mercy, had looked down upon 
 me, a poor, lost sheep, and had sent his Son 
 to find me. Moving against my will, and 
 crying out to myself in the anguish of my 
 soul, yet not possessing strength enough to 
 retrace my steps, I, with my two companions, 
 soon found myself in front of the mission. 
 
 How can I describe my feelings at that fate- 
 ful moment? Here I was, about to enter an 
 accursed, abominable mission. I, the pious 
 Jewish youth, whose duty it was to avoid every- 
 thing connected with Christ and his followers, 
 to detest his churches, to resent his cruelty, to 
 
46 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 hate every Jew who spoke his name, I was 
 about to enter a mission devoted to preaching 
 him to the Jews ! I could see my mother and 
 my sister and brother looking at me in ter- 
 ror, and my townspeople pointing their fingers 
 at me in their rage ; I could hear the entire 
 Jewish race shouting at me in their fury ; I 
 could see the Law hurling its curses at me, 
 and Gehenna open at my feet. In my terror, 
 I wished to run away from that horrible place, 
 but God would not let me. I was powerless 
 to turn ; I felt that some mysterious force, 
 stronger than I, was controlling me and lead- 
 ing me on. 
 
 Presently I found myself within the build- 
 ing. Trembling in every limb, I stood there, 
 conscious of being in a very pleasant, warm 
 room, but terrified at the thought that, at any 
 moment, the terrible renegade was liable to 
 pounce upon my defenseless person and bap- 
 tize me forcibly, thus making me a Christian, 
 as, I knew, the Russian Government had been 
 wont to do with young Jews in the days of 
 Nicholas the First. 
 
 While I was still trembling, he came. I 
 looked at the venerable Israelite with his 
 benevolent face and kindly eyes ; I felt the 
 
Adrift 47 
 
 warm grasp of his hand ; I heard his friendly, 
 fatherly greeting, and I stood literally dumb 
 with astonishment. When finally I did re- 
 gain the use of my voice, I could only stammer 
 these words : 
 
 "Surely, you are not a Meshumod?" 
 "No, no, my child," he answered. "I am 
 not a Meshumod ; what an idea !" 
 "But you believe in Jesus Christ?" 
 "With all my heart. But, my friend, I also 
 believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac and 
 Jacob, the only true God. I am a Jew like 
 yourself, and I love my people. I know what 
 you have in mind when you speak of a Mesh- 
 umod, and I must tell you that you will find 
 nobody like that in this mission. Our re- 
 ligion is the religion of Israel, with some slight 
 difference, which I cannot now discuss with 
 you. But we shall speak of it some other 
 time." 
 
 "And you believe in Jesus Christ?" 
 "Yes, brother; with all my heart and soul," 
 answered the venerable missionary. 
 
 For the moment I felt that I was reduced 
 to a state bordering on imbecility. I could not 
 explain the situation. This patriarchal Jew, 
 with flowing beard and sweet, kindly eyes, 
 
48 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 looked very much like a rabbi ; he claimed 
 to love the Jews and to believe in the God 
 of our fathers; and yet, in the same breath 
 he confessed his belief in Jesus Christ ! Surely, 
 one of us two was mad, and I was certain that 
 it was my mind which was affected ; I felt 
 that the struggle through which I had gone 
 lately had been too much for me. 
 
 While I was still standing there in my be- 
 wilderment, the friendly, fatherly voice of the 
 missionary invited me to look around and 
 make myself comfortable. 
 
 The room was large. A bright, cheerful fire 
 was burning on the hearth ; several groups 
 of Jewish young men were gathered at several 
 tables, some reading very earnestly, while 
 others were playing chess, checkers or other 
 games, chatting pleasantly and apparently feel- 
 ing quite contented. I examined some of the 
 books that lay scattered on a long table and 
 noticed that they were written in various 
 languages. Among others, I picked up one 
 which had the name of Jesus Christ printed 
 in large Hebrew letters on the front page ; this 
 I quickly dropped as if it had burned my 
 hands, and went into the next room. 
 
 This, too, was a cheerful place, bright and 
 
Adrift 49 
 
 warm. In the center were two long tables 
 presided over by a young man and a young 
 woman, respectively, both neatly attired, who 
 were teaching a number of young Jews to 
 read and write English. The teachers were 
 not Jews; yet study their faces as I would, I 
 could discover nothing but kindness and 
 benevolence in them ; they literally shone with 
 goodness. I almost wished that I could dis- 
 cover at least a trace of brutality about them 
 in order that my established opinion of the 
 Christians should not suffer at the very first 
 close contact with those whom I had been 
 taught to hate, but it was in vain ; kindlier 
 faces I had never seen in my life. Certainly, 
 I could not remember a face half as kindly 
 among the prospective rabbis at the Yeshiva. 
 This room was fitted with a small pulpit from 
 which Mr. Matthews addressed his visitors 
 nightly after school and held special services 
 every Saturday and Sunday. 
 
 A third room, adjoining the schoolroom, also 
 looked very inviting. This was the mission- 
 ary's private sanctum in which he met, enter- 
 tained and instructed earnest inquirers. Next 
 to this room were Mr. Matthews' private apart- 
 ments, where his daughter kept house for him. 
 
50 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 I was so engrossed by what I saw that I 
 could not give myself any clear account of 
 what I felt. The entire place bore an air of 
 welcome; I felt better than I had ever felt 
 in my unattractive lodgings ; so much better, 
 that in a few minutes I had forgotten that I 
 was in a mission where Christ's name was 
 preached, that the presiding genius of the place 
 was a renegade Jew whose object was to in- 
 duce me to betray my people and to believe 
 in "their God." I only knew that I was sur- 
 rounded by an atmosphere of peace and repose 
 such as I had never known in my life be- 
 fore. My petty troubles and tribulations were 
 hushed in that place of rest, and I was liv- 
 ing a new, hitherto untasted life. 
 
 The evening passed very rapidly, and it was 
 rather late when Mr. Matthews mounted his 
 pulpit and offered up a short prayer invoking 
 God's blessing on Israel, such as I had never 
 heard in a Jewish synagogue. While he was 
 praying, I somehow imagined that I was the 
 victim of a practical joke ; that I was amongst 
 orthodox Jews who had merely brought in 
 the name of Jesus for the pleasure of confus- 
 ing me, but that now, at prayer, they were 
 compelled to act naturally and, of course, did 
 
Adrift 51 
 
 not dare to pronounce that hated name in the 
 presence of God. However, Mr. Matthews 
 soon began to pray God that his brethren might 
 be brought by the Spirit to recognize him who 
 had died for their salvation. These, of course, 
 were strange words to Jewish ears, and to 
 me they had no meaning whatever. The mis- 
 sionary spoke of a Saviour, a Redeemer, our 
 Elder Brother. I understood not a word of 
 all of that, for I had never heard of Jesus 
 in that light before; to me he was "their 
 God," and nothing more. 
 
 Presently, however, Mr. Matthews con- 
 cluded his prayer, telling God that he asked 
 those things for Israel in the name of Jesus 
 Christ. Then I realized that he was, after 
 all, a Christian and that he had blasphemed 
 in daring to bring that detestable name be- 
 fore God. Just why he had prayed to "our 
 God" in the name of "their God," or just 
 why, having a God of his own, he had prayed 
 to "our God" at all, I could not understand. 
 But the name of Jesus Christ pronounced so 
 boldly in my presence had a peculiar effect 
 on me. I imagine that if a sharp-pointed 
 dagger were driven into my heart, I should 
 feel as I did at that moment. 
 
52 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 The prayer over, Mr. Matthews pressed 
 my hand, inviting me in his fatherly way to call 
 again soon, assuring me of his friendship and 
 apologetically explaining to me that in case 
 of need or misfortune, I was not alone in 
 the world. His manner was so warm and 
 friendly that I caught myself wishing that I 
 might remain with that man, that I might 
 never again be compelled to return to my dis- 
 mal lodgings. 
 
 The next instant I awoke, as it were, from 
 my trance. A million voices suddenly burst 
 forth within me, bidding me flee from the ac- 
 cursed place and the patriarchal traitor. I for- 
 got his benevolent face, his kindly eye, his 
 warm, sincere handshake and proffers of 
 friendship ; I forgot the restfulness and peace- 
 fulness of the institution, and the fact that 
 those young Jews who had spent such a use- 
 ful and enjoyable evening under its roof, 
 would, in its absence, in all probability, have 
 spent it in low dives laying the foundation for 
 a low, vicious life. I only knew that the place 
 was a mission, the man a missionary, a rene- 
 gade, a traitor, and I in imminent danger of 
 becoming a Christian. And I fled. 
 
V 
 GROPING IN THE DARK 
 
 That night I could not sleep. The enormity 
 of the crime I had committed loomed up be- 
 fore me like a hideous monster, growing ever 
 larger and heavier, as the sleepless hours slowly 
 rolled by, and threatening to drive me mad. 
 I grew feverish and deliriously tossed from 
 side to side, vainly trying to drive the besetting 
 visions from before my eyes. If I could see 
 the terror of my near and dear relatives be- 
 fore I entered the mission, I could now hear 
 the despairing cry of my relatives ; if I could 
 see the finger of scorn pointed at me before, I 
 could now hear the imprecations hurled at me 
 by enraged Israel. I — who had been carefully 
 trained in the knowledge of the God of the 
 Jews and of the Law, who had been taught 
 always to remember that I was a Jew, as long 
 as breath endured — had proved a traitor to 
 my God, to my nation and to the Law by 
 entering an unclean place where the name of 
 Christ, Israel's archenemy, was spoken. I 
 
 53 
 
54 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 felt that I was lost ; I did not even dare to 
 pray, for I well remembered the Talmudic 
 maxim that "all sins might be forgiven save 
 the sin of worshiping strange gods." And had 
 not my visit to the mission been an act equiv- 
 alent to idol-worship? 
 
 I groaned aloud and cast about for a means 
 whereby I might atone for my terrible act of 
 treason. I thought of the three graces : Re- 
 pentance, Prayer and Charity. And again I 
 groaned as I realized that not even they could 
 wash away my stain. My case was hopeless. 
 Under the circumstances, I did the only thing 
 which seemed to hold out any hope for me — 
 I resolved never to step into that accursed 
 place again and to do penance for my crime 
 in the hope that perhaps God would not per- 
 mit me to perish. 
 
 The succeeding few weeks were an endless 
 round of misery and torture to me. I tried 
 hard not to think of the missionary nor of 
 his mission ; but it seemed that my very 
 effort to banish them from my mind brought 
 them before me with greater constancy and 
 persistency. The missionary was ever before 
 me, reaching out his friendly hand ; his soft, 
 kindly eyes were always looking into mine ; 
 
Groping in the Dark 55 
 
 his fatherly voice was ever telling - me of his 
 love for the God of his fathers — my fathers — 
 and for the people of Israel — my people — ever 
 reminding me that I had a friend in him, and 
 inviting me to come and see him again. 
 
 At my "lodgings, after the day's work was 
 over, the struggle continued. The bare walls 
 and floor of the poor apartment where I found 
 shelter had never looked very comfortable or 
 inviting; the coarse jokes and levity of my 
 Jewish roommates had never attracted me. 
 But since that fateful visit to the mission the 
 place seemed like a prison to me, and I could 
 scarcely tolerate the ways of my companions. 
 I attempted to pursue the same light reading 
 that had helped me while away the evenings in 
 days gone by, but I could not concentrate my 
 mind upon it. In a few minutes I would 
 usually find myself thinking of the peaceful, 
 warm, bright rooms at the mission ; of the 
 kindly, patriarchal missionary and of the beam- 
 ing faces of the teachers. Everything invited 
 me to come and forget my loneliness and my 
 poverty. Then, there was the mystery of the 
 situation. The rabbi-like missionary had de- 
 clared to me that he was a Jew, not a Mesh- 
 umod, that he was devoted to Israel and to 
 
56 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 Israel's God, and yet believed in Jesus Christ 
 with all his heart. I could not understand 
 that, since it was against all my past experi- 
 ence. I must inquire. 
 
 So one evening, several weeks after my 
 first visit to the mission, having silenced my 
 conscience, I found myself walking slowly 
 and undecidedly to the same place again. The 
 old desire to turn back was still strong within 
 me, but I resisted it. My heart still beat 
 wildly, and my knees bent violently. 
 
 I did all in my power to quiet my feelings, 
 assuring myself that it was my duty to inves- 
 tigate the missionary's doctrine to the end that 
 I might overthrow it. The same old thought 
 of bringing the missionary back to the Law 
 possessed me, and I tried to persuade myself 
 that I, and not he, was the true missionary. 
 I felt competent to demonstrate his error to 
 my lost brother, for I relied on the Law to 
 bear me out in my argument. Mentally I 
 was myself arguing with the old gentleman, 
 telling him all I knew about Jesus the im- 
 postor, the God-defying and Jew-hating blas- 
 phemer, telling him all that the rabbis had ever 
 said against idol-worship. And I could see 
 how the miserable renegade in a short time 
 
Groping in the Dark 57 
 
 gave up the fight and again confessed the 
 God of his fathers. I became so enthusiastic 
 over this thought that, unconsciously, I in- 
 creased my speed. My fears and misgivings 
 left me. 
 
 In a few minutes I found myself at the 
 mission. Again I felt the warm pressure of 
 Mr. Matthews' hand and heard the welcome 
 of his gentle voice. In the peaceful, benign 
 atmosphere of the quiet mission all thoughts 
 of bitterness and of strife fled from my mind. 
 Again I saw several young Jews reading very 
 attentively, a few others amusing themselves 
 in an orderly manner, and, in the adjoining 
 room, a number of others still studying under 
 the guidance of several Christian young men 
 and women, just as benevolent looking as 
 those two whom I had seen on the occasion 
 of my first visit to the mission. That same 
 mysterious sense of peace and well-being pos- 
 sessed me, and even in greater degree than 
 before. 
 
 I spent a very pleasant evening, and again 
 Mr. Matthews dismissed us with a prayer and 
 spoke of Jesus as our Friend who had given 
 up his life on the cross to the end that we 
 might have everlasting life. Once more I 
 
58 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 felt that sharp, unpleasant sensation about my 
 heart. 
 
 Of course, I had been looking all my life 
 for a means of salvation — all Jews were doing 
 the same every day ; I had kept the Law 
 scrupulously in the hope of salvation ; in my 
 prayers, together with the rest of my brethren, 
 I had invoked the merits of the saints, hoping 
 to get salvation through them, yet never feel- 
 ing sure of my ground. I welcomed, there- 
 fore, the thought of a Saviour. But why did 
 not Mr. Matthews mention as my Saviour some 
 rabbi who had written some nice little fence 
 about a point of the Law in the Talmud? 
 Such a Saviour I could have welcomed with 
 joy. But when I heard that my Saviour was 
 he, the "God of the Gentiles," a pang of hor- 
 ror, cutting and repelling, shot through my 
 heart. I could not contain myself, and as 
 soon as he had finished speaking, I asked the 
 missionary how he, an intelligent Jew, could 
 speak in that manner about the greatest enemy 
 the Jews had ever had. 
 
 "My son," he answered very calmly and 
 kindly, "I see that you have heard of the 
 Lord Jesus Christ. If you are really inter- 
 ested in the subject, join me over a cup of 
 
Groping in the Dark 59 
 
 tea next Thursday evening-, and we shall dis- 
 cuss it. A bright young man like you might 
 be able to convince me that I am wrong; I 
 am not too old to learn." 
 
 I eagerly accepted the invitation, particularly 
 when Mr. Matthews informed me that there 
 would be nothing about the tea which could 
 in any way offend my orthodox instinct. I 
 wondered greatly that he was not afraid to 
 offer such a challenge to a Jew who, he might 
 have known, could expose his error and shat- 
 ter his idol in short order. I already gloated 
 over the thought of how I would confound 
 the missionary. 
 
 The succeeding two days I spent in review- 
 ing my knowledge of ''their God." I felt that 
 I was going to fight the battle of the God of 
 Abraham, Isaac and Jacob against the abom- 
 ination of the Christians, even as the zealots 
 of old had fought against Baal and Astarte, 
 and that it behooved me, therefore, to gird 
 my loins with the strength of knowledge. I 
 recalled every word that I had ever heard con- 
 cerning Jesus Christ, seeking a point of vantage 
 from which to attack him. I reviewed the 
 scandalous story with which I was so familiar, 
 and the atrocities which the Christians had 
 
60 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 practiced, and were still practicing against the 
 Jews — and stopped. Try as I might, I could 
 not discover that I possessed any knowledge 
 whatever bearing on the person or claims of 
 Jesus of Nazareth. I could hurl invectives 
 against him ; I could upbraid the Jew who 
 believed on him for being a traitor to the 
 God of Israel, but for the first time in my 
 life I was forced to admit to myself that my 
 reasons for so doing were based on nothing; 
 that I knew nothing of Jesus, save the story 
 I had been told at home. 
 
 On the other hand, why should a child of 
 the Law devote his time to the study of such 
 an abomination as the life of Jesus Christ, 
 the God of the Gentiles? Was not that story 
 sufficient to confound all those who believed 
 in him? And besides, since all Jews spoke 
 so much against Jesus, I reasoned that there 
 must undoubtedly be an abundance of pas- 
 sages in the Law which confirm their views, 
 although I myself had never come across any 
 of them. Now, if only I mentioned the Law 
 and the Prophets in a general way, what could 
 the missionary possibly say in the defense of 
 his God? And I already saw myself emerg- 
 ing from the contest with colors flying. 
 
Groping in the Dark 61 
 
 Thursday evening I repaired to the mission. 
 Mr. Matthews met me with his usual cor- 
 diality and ushered me into his private room, 
 where he introduced me to his daughter, an 
 estimable lady about thirty years of age, who 
 greeted me so pleasantly that, in spite of the 
 knowledge that I was with a pair of renegade 
 Jews, I was forced to admit to myself that 
 never in my life before had I felt so comfort- 
 able or at ease as I did in that pleasant room, 
 warmed by the presence of those two follow- 
 ers of Jesus even more than by the bright 
 fire on the hearth. 
 
 Soon I was seated at the table. Mr. Mat- 
 thews chatted very pleasantly about various 
 subjects connected with my past experiences 
 and present life, but not for an instant did he 
 touch on the one thing which was foremost 
 in my mind and for the sake of which I 
 was there — the discussion of Jesus. Surely I 
 had already obtained a victory without speak- 
 ing. The miserable sinner knew that I had 
 the Law on my side. 
 
 Yet I was not quite satisfied with my easy 
 victory ; by every instinct of the rabbinical 
 training I had received, I felt impelled to con- 
 found my adversary and to compel him to 
 
62 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 admit his defeat. While I was planning the 
 first step of attack, the old gentleman, as if 
 divining my thoughts, suddenly changed the 
 subject and asked me about my hopes for the 
 hereafter. This gave me the desired opening. 
 Very warmly I upbraided the old gentleman 
 for forsaking the only people in the world 
 who were certain of a place in heaven, since 
 it was their God who owned it. How could 
 he ask me about my hopes? The sole fact 
 that I was a son of Abraham insured me a 
 high place in Paradise; and he, as a Jew, 
 knew well that no member of any other nation 
 was destined to see heaven. 
 
 I was excited, but my host was calm and 
 placid. Not for an instant did his pleasant 
 smile leave his countenance ; his voice was 
 quiet and cheerful. He reminded me that 
 there were many bad men among the Jews. 
 I retorted that the spiritual condition of the 
 Jews did not matter, that the one important 
 fact was that they were Jews. To his sug- 
 gestion that many of them did not believe 
 in the God of Abraham, I replied that even 
 this was not important, so long as they re- 
 mained Jews and did not bow their knees to 
 idols, for, when they should come to see our 
 
Groping in the Dark 63 
 
 God face to face, they would, of necessity, be- 
 lieve in him. 
 
 "Yet," he said, "if you have ever read your 
 Bible, you know that Moses cursed the Jews 
 who should not fulfill all of the Law." "Oh, 
 the curse pertained only to very great sin- 
 ners," I answered, hesitatingly, feeling that 
 the missionary had scored a slight point. 
 
 "According to your belief, then," he said, 
 "such sins as are commonly committed in Israel 
 daily, sins against the Ten Commandments 
 even, nay, more, even the denial of God him- 
 self, the Holy One of Israel, are only slight 
 offenses which do not come under the curse 
 of Moses ? Can you name the great sins which 
 do come under it and which the Jews do not 
 commit?" 
 
 I remained silent for a while, then said, 
 "Granting that some of the Jews are very 
 great sinners, their hopes are nevertheless 
 bright for the sake of the religious members 
 of the community." 
 
 Then he opened the Bible, and I read in 
 Ezekiel 18 : 4, "The soul that sinneth, it shall 
 die." 
 
 "Now," said the missionary, "according to 
 Moses, sin is the omission of a point of the 
 
64 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 Law. And what have our rabbis to say about 
 salvation ? 'The ignorant have no share in 
 the world to come.' And for good reasons, 
 because the knowledge of the Law must 
 precede its fulfillment. My son, once more 
 I ask you, what are your hopes for the 
 hereafter? Do you know and keep all of the 
 Law?" 
 
 I admitted that I did not ; but I argued that 
 I was leading an orthodox life such as I had 
 been taught to lead; that I prayed, kept most 
 of the commandments, went to synagogue 
 on Sabbaths and holidays, and did many more 
 things which the Jews considered important 
 and counted as righteousness. 
 
 Then Mr. Matthews opened the book of 
 Isaiah, chapter 64, verse 6, and I read : 
 
 "But we are all as an unclean thing, and 
 all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." 
 
 "We must not take this too seriously, Mr. 
 Matthews," I said, "for this was said by Isa- 
 iah, who was only a prophet. Now, if Moses 
 or the rabbis had said it, then, of course, there 
 would have been authority in the words." 
 
 Mr. Matthews then invited me to read 
 Deuteronomy 18: 18, pointing out that Moses 
 himself had put those who according to my 
 
Groping in the Dark 65 
 
 statement were "only prophets" on an equal 
 footing with himself, indicating that their 
 words were of equal authority with his own, 
 both being the words of Jehovah. 
 
 I was literally bewildered when I realized 
 that I had overlooked so many fundamental 
 truths of the Law on which depended my hopes 
 for salvation. I was grieved and exasperated 
 at the thought that it had remained for a 
 renegade to point out those truths to me, an 
 orthodox Jew. But I consoled myself with 
 the thought that the excellent knowledge of 
 the Law would contribute to the greater dam- 
 nation of the traitor, for I had been taught 
 that of those who knew much, much was re- 
 quired. Anyway, how did my lack of knowl- 
 edge of the Law affect the standing of the 
 impostor Jesus? I therefore reminded the 
 missionary of the true object of my visit — 
 the discussion of Jesus, the enemy of the 
 Jews. 
 
 He answered that he was not acquainted with 
 that Jesus ; that I must be mistaken in the 
 identity of the person ; that the Jesus whom 
 he knew was a friend of the Jews ; that, in 
 fact, he had consented to a shameful death on 
 the cross to the end that the Jews, before 
 
66 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 others, might have salvation, and that, dying at 
 their hands, he had prayed for them. 
 
 "Oh," I said, "Mr. Matthews, if you only 
 knew what I know about him, you would 
 change your mind on the subject." 
 
 And I proceeded to unfold before the mis- 
 sionary the story which had been so well 
 drilled into my mind, feeling while I was tell- 
 ing that now I had conquered. As I spoke, 
 the old man's eyes became sad, and when I 
 had finished they were filled with tears. 
 
 "My poor child," he said to me with com- 
 passion, "have they compelled you to listen 
 to such horrible tales about my Saviour — your 
 Saviour? Tales which no sane man would 
 utter? May God forgive those who have 
 taught you to believe such madness, and may 
 he help me to undo the mischief wrought in 
 you by our poor, ignorant, deluded brethren. 
 Your soul is too precious in the sight of God 
 to permit it to perish on account of such an 
 idle and blasphemous tale. Rid your mind of 
 this poison ; study the Law and the Prophets. 
 We have already established the fact that our 
 prophets spoke the word of God. Now, let 
 us hear what Isaiah has to say concerning the 
 birth of Jesus." 
 
Groping in the Dark 67 
 
 He pointed to Isaiah 7 : 14, and I read : 
 
 "Therefore, the Lord himself shall give you 
 a sign : Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and 
 bear a son." 
 
 "Now," continued the missionary, "read 
 chapter nine, sixth verse of the same prophet." 
 
 And I read : 
 
 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a 
 son is given : and the government shall be 
 upon his shoulder : and his name shall be 
 called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty 
 God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of 
 Peace." 
 
 "Nay, nay, my brother," said Mr. Matthews 
 very kindly, noticing my great confusion, "do 
 not imagine that I blame you for not knowing 
 that which, as a Jew, it is your duty to know. 
 Only, try to correct the defect. Here is a 
 copy of the Bible — your own Old Testament — 
 study it. As a supplement to what we have 
 read this evening, read the fifty-third chapter 
 of Isaiah. And now, may God bless you, my 
 son." 
 
VI 
 
 COMING TO THE LIGHT 
 
 It would be a mistake to think that my 
 conversion was accomplished that night. I left 
 the mission confused and angry. On my way 
 home I could only upbraid myself for my de- 
 feat and for permitting a miserable renegade 
 to silence me, a child of the Law. When my 
 anger abated somewhat, my thoughts took an- 
 other turn, and I was forced to admit that 
 something was wrong. Later, through the 
 silence of the night, I could only repeat to 
 myself the same assertion. Now, who was 
 wrong? Surely not the rabbis. It must 
 be the Christians. Yet, the missionary had 
 not opened his mouth about the belief 
 of the Christians, but had spoken to me 
 of my own Bible, the word of God, which 
 I was compelled to believe. But if the teach- 
 ings of the Bible differed from the religion 
 which I had been taught, then I was wrong; 
 and if I was wrong, then all Israel was wrong ; 
 and my father had been wrong before me, and 
 
 68 
 
Coming to the Light 69 
 
 my mother, and my teachers and the rabbis — 
 all, all were wrong. The missionary, then, was 
 right. This was a terrifying thought, and 
 when it crossed my mind, I was tempted to 
 awaken my slumbering roommates and to 
 implore them to protect me from the mission- 
 ary and from Jesus Christ. I attempted to 
 seek refuge in the old story, but it appeared 
 so despicable now that I at once dismissed it 
 from my mind. In its stead, like the writing 
 on the wall, there appeared before me the 
 words of Isaiah. I shuddered and repeated 
 that something was wrong. 
 
 The next day, the struggle continued. 
 Wherever I looked I could see only the 
 Prophet Isaiah repeating his words concern- 
 ing the birth of the Child, and I could hear 
 only God repeating, "Hear him, for he speaks 
 the words which I have put into his mouth !" 
 The seed had been sown in my heart, and 
 God, in his infinite mercy, was fostering it, 
 only I, in my blindness, was struggling against 
 the light, preferring to retain the band 
 around my eyes which, under the guidance 
 of the rabbis, I had worn all my life. I dared 
 not admit even to myself that I had been 
 wrong ; my whole nature rebelled against such 
 
70 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 an acknowledgment ; neither could I, in the 
 light of Scripture, delude myself with the idea 
 that I had been right. There was a holy 
 prophet whom I had been commanded to hear 
 telling me that my acts of righteousness on 
 which I had relied for my salvation were only 
 filthy rags ; that my prayers were not desired 
 by God, Isaiah 1:11-17, nor my fasts ap- 
 proved of him, Isaiah 58 : 5. I had lived a 
 lie ; the holy had become unclean. 
 
 On the other hand, did I dare judge my 
 mother, my teachers, all Israel? Did I dare 
 question the authority of the rabbis? I re- 
 membered that I had been particularly trained 
 to refrain from such speculations, as they 
 always implied the danger of unbelief. But 
 if the maxims of the rabbis could not bear 
 investigation, what was their authority ? Then, 
 was there a possibility of the Christians being 
 right? At this horrible thought, I grew faint, 
 and all Israel seemed to shout into my ears : 
 "No, no! How dare you think that? You 
 are a Jew I" 
 
 I resolved to think no more on the subject. 
 But the resolution did not help me, for it 
 was God's voice speaking within me and it 
 would not keep silent. Then I determined that 
 
Coming to the Light 71 
 
 as the missionary had brought all of that 
 trouble upon me, I would never again see him 
 nor his mission ; and for two weeks I remained 
 away from him. 
 
 Yet on the Sunday of the third week I found 
 myself at the mission once more, eagerly drink- 
 ing in the words of Mr. Matthews concern- 
 ing Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews. 
 To me the missionary was no longer speaking 
 of the impostor of my story, but of the Child 
 whose birth Isaiah had prophesied, and who 
 had lived a life of which I knew nothing. 
 
 I became a frequent visitor at the mission. 
 At times my Jewish zeal reasserted itself, and 
 I tried hard to think of the missionary and 
 of his mission with my former hatred ; but 
 the attempt always failed. Slowly I became 
 accustomed to the words Saviour, Redeemer, 
 Friend. 
 
 When I realized what a strong influence the 
 missionary's words were exerting over me, I 
 began to feel guilty in the presence of my 
 Jewish brethren. I would not have admitted 
 even to myself that my views on Judaism had 
 undergone a change, and I feared lest my breth- 
 ren, on noticing my frequent visits to the mis- 
 sion, should suspect that all was not well with 
 
72 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 me. It was a fortunate circumstance for me 
 that the mission was situated away from the 
 Jewish quarter, for I could always slip away 
 without arousing much comment. 
 
 Very slowly a change was wrought in my 
 feelings with regard to Jesus Christ. As I 
 listened to Mr. Matthews from day to day 
 and from week to week, the sound of the 
 once hated and dreaded name ceased to send 
 that sharp pang through my heart; I could, 
 in the course of time, at least tolerate it ; and 
 with the tolerance for the name came also a 
 tolerance for the story of the life and death 
 of the Man who had borne it. 
 
 Once I ventured to touch a copy of the New 
 Testament, and the contact had the effect of 
 an electric current. When I opened the book 
 for the first time intending to read it, I im- 
 agined that something terrible would happen 
 to me. I could not overcome my curiosity, and 
 as no bolt came down from heaven to consume 
 me, I soon overcame the uncomfortable feeling, 
 and began to read the New Testament sys- 
 tematically. 
 
 The story unrolled to me, at once charmed 
 and frightened me. I looked in vain for the 
 boastful, malicious Jesus of my early con- 
 
Coming to the Light 73 
 
 ception; instead, I found a Man possessed of 
 humility, tenderness and love inexpressible. So 
 far from defying the Law, I found Jesus call- 
 ing upon it as the witness of his truthfulness. 
 I had been taught to believe that Jesus had 
 set up claims in defiance of the God of Abra- 
 ham ; that he had hated the Jews and had 
 taught his followers to do likewise. What 
 was my surprise then, when, in Matthew 7: 
 21-23, I read that — according to Jesus — no one 
 could inherit the kingdom of heaven who did 
 not do the will of his Father, who was the God 
 of Abraham; that, therefore, my God was 
 his God also ; that all those who work iniquity 
 must depart from him! The question as to 
 what constituted the will of the Father, Jesus 
 settled for me in Matthew 25 : 34-46. The King 
 invites into the kingdom prepared by God — 
 his Father — those who have fed the hungry 
 and clothed the naked among the least of his 
 Jewish brethren, and repudiates those who have 
 not done so. I compared these words with 
 Isaiah 58 : 5-9, and found that the words of 
 Jesus were the words of God. On every page 
 I found only purity of ideal and high spiritu- 
 ality. 
 
 Not only did the teachings of Jesus charm 
 
74 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 and fascinate me; they also frightened me; 
 for, if they were pure, they were not what 
 I had been taught to believe they were; and 
 if misrepresented in one respect, then why not 
 in another? What if, after all, there was 
 truth in Jesus? Then, what about rabbinical 
 Judaism ? 
 
 I had been taught to work out my own 
 salvation through the daily mechanical repe- 
 tition of a certain number of lines of prayer 
 and the avoiding of certain kinds of food, 
 and other acts of the same character. But 
 slowly the conviction forced itself upon me 
 that, in comparison with the righteousness of 
 Jesus, my righteousness might well be called 
 filthy rags; that the likeness to God in which 
 man was created could not possibly pertain to 
 his bodily form, and that therefore Jesus was 
 the most perfect image of the Father — a being 
 without sin and full of love and righteous- 
 ness. 
 
 Again my spirit became greatly perturbed; 
 again I realized, only more clearly and forcibly 
 than before, that I was a miserable sinner, away 
 from God, defying my Creator by substituting 
 for things spiritual, which he demanded of 
 me, things physical, which his soul abhorred. 
 
Coming to the Light 75 
 
 I redoubled my prayers in the effort to 
 derive some spiritual solace from something. 
 On the Day of Atonement I went to the syna- 
 gogue. There, as I prayed fervently, with 
 the rest of the community, my doubts were 
 quieted for a moment, and I said to myself 
 that, after all, we Jews were in the right, for 
 we were in direct communion with God and 
 needed no mediator. But while I was still 
 thinking thus I heard the leader say in a voice 
 full of fear and trepidation : 
 
 "In the absence of a mediator against the 
 accuser, speak thou to thy people of hope 
 and salvation !"-» 
 
 At these words a hush fell over the praying 
 men and many burst into tears. So Israel 
 did, after all, realize a need of a mediator and 
 possessed none. There was an accuser, and 
 no one opposed him ! 
 
 Then what became of the assurance I had 
 been given that I was sure of salvation be- 
 cause I was a Jew? It vanished into thin air 
 and in its stead was left an aching void and 
 the fear of the wrath of God. But what was 
 the remedy? Involuntarily there came to me 
 the words I had read in John 4:14: 
 
 "But whosoever drinketh of the water that 
 
76 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 I shall give him shall never thirst ; but the 
 water that I shall give him shall be in him a 
 well of water springing up into everlasting 
 life." 
 
 Was it possible that in repudiating Jesus, 
 Israel was repudiating the Mediator he was 
 so ardently wishing for and, therefore, also 
 his salvation? But if Israel perished, need 
 I perish also? The boldness of the thought 
 frightened me; I prayed long and earnestly 
 that God would teach me the way to salvation, 
 and during my long prayers I could only hear 
 the one word "whosoever," as if that had 
 been intended as an answer from God. 
 
 The following Sunday I went to the mission ; 
 there the ever fatherly missionary read the 
 words of John 14 : 6 : 
 
 "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the 
 truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the 
 Father, but by me." 
 
 "Is that really true?" I asked the mission- 
 ary's daughter. 
 
 "Why do you ask me?" she answered. 
 "Search the scriptures. I see that you have 
 not read the fifty-third chapter of Isaiah." 
 
 When I protested that I had, she advised 
 me to read it once more, this time intelligently. 
 
Coming to the Light 77 
 
 That night I read Isaiah 53 : 4, 5, 7, 8. 
 
 "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and car- 
 ried our sorrows. . . . He was wounded for 
 our transgressions, he was bruised for our 
 iniquities . . . and with his stripes we are 
 healed. He was oppressed, and he was 
 afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth. . . . 
 He was taken from prison and from judg- 
 ment : and who shall declare his generation ? 
 for he was cut off out of the land of the liv- 
 ing: for the transgressions of my people was 
 he stricken." 
 
 And again in the same chapter, verse 9 : 
 
 ''He had done no violence, neither was any 
 deceit in his mouth." 
 
 I well remembered the explanation which 
 the Jewish rabbis had given me of that chap- 
 ter. According to their teaching, Israel was 
 the innocent sufferer who was bearing the 
 sins of the world. In days gone by, this ex- 
 planation had satisfied me as had everything 
 else taught by the rabbis. But I had now 
 begun to compare scripture with scripture, 
 and I discovered that this explanation could 
 not be true if God's word was not contradictory 
 to itself. The Jews were instructed by God 
 to bring as an offering only animals without 
 
78 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 a blemish ; nothing that had a blemish would 
 be acceptable. Therefore, whosoever was to 
 bear the sin of the world must himself be sin- 
 less, without guilt or stain. How could such 
 a description apply to corrupt Israel? And if 
 Israel was sinless in the eyes of God and was 
 chastised only for the sins of others and "he 
 had done no violence, neither was any deceit 
 in his mouth," then what became of the words 
 of God in Jeremiah 44 : 4-8, where he tells 
 Israel plainly that the land was destroyed be- 
 cause they had provoked him to fury with the 
 works of their hands? 
 
 No, the explanation of the rabbis Avas pre- 
 posterous, for it was arbitrary, and I could 
 not accept it. Jesus was the only sinless being 
 ever created into the world, and the chapter 
 must, of necessity, refer to him. And again 
 I read : 
 
 "By his knowledge shall my righteous ser- 
 vant justify many; for he shall bear their 
 iniquities. . . . And he bare the sin of many, 
 and made intercession for the transgressors." 
 
 I leaped for joy, for I had at last found 
 that Mediator for whom I had wept, with the 
 rest of Israel, during all my life. And like 
 Saul of Tarsus, I heard the voice, "It is hard 
 
Coming to the Light 79 
 
 for thee to kick against the pricks." Did I 
 believe in Jesus Christ? Yes, I realized the 
 truth. I, even I, the young Russian Jew, the 
 orthodox Jew, whose ambition had been to 
 become a rabbi, the Jew who had hated Christ 
 and everything that bore his name, was a be- 
 liever in Jesus Christ, and his name was the 
 most precious name to me under the sun. 
 I no longer struggled nor fought against the 
 conviction that Jesus was my Redeemer, and 
 I continually heard the voice of the Father 
 saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom 
 I am well pleased." 
 
 I was a Christian. This was a secret, for 
 as yet I dared not come out openly for Jesus. 
 I rejoiced in the knowledge that I was no 
 longer alone, naked in my sins before God ; 
 that if I sinned I had an Advocate ; that I 
 could turn to my dear Elder Brother for 
 shelter from the temptation of life. His words, 
 "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are 
 heavy laden, and I will give you rest," breathed 
 peace and joy and hope and comfort for me. 
 In my happiness, I wished to cry out to my 
 friends that I had found my Saviour and that 
 he was calling for them also ; only I noticed 
 that I was alone in my new state and that 
 
80 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 the others were still the same orthodox Jews 
 that they had been, and that to speak to them 
 of Jesus would have meant persecution and 
 ostracism for me, that they would have called 
 me "Meshumod." 
 
 At this thought I paused. I had not thought 
 of that before. And when I thought of that 
 terrible word as applied to me, I shuddered 
 again and again. None but a Jew can realize 
 what it means for a new convert to be called 
 by that name and to have applied to one all 
 that it implies. Translated literally it means 
 "annihilated." It implies that the Jew called 
 by that name has by his own act annihilated 
 himself from the midst of Israel and from 
 Israel's God; that his former friends must 
 henceforward be his enemies ; that his relatives 
 must hate him as a thing accursed and unclean, 
 and must, in their turn, be hated and despised, 
 on his account, by all Israel ; that he can 
 never again be admitted into a synagogue; 
 that he cannot participate in any prayer, nor 
 in any religious ceremony such as circumcision 
 or a wedding. Then I thought of my mother. 
 I could hear her bitter cry of anguish on learn- 
 ing the terrible truth about her son, on whose 
 religious future she had built such grand hopes 
 
Coming to the Light 81 
 
 for herself ; I could see her go into mourning 
 for me as for one dead; I could hear her 
 lamenting and wishing rather that I had died 
 a thousand deaths as a Jew than that I had 
 taken the terrible step which made her an 
 outcast for the remainder of her life and con- 
 demned her to black darkness for all eternity. 
 Never again could she venture forth in day- 
 light without her neighbors pointing their 
 fingers at her in derision and holy horror, and 
 repeating to their neighbors and to the children 
 the shameful fact that her son was a renegade. 
 They might, in their holy indignation and 
 fervent zeal, even cast stones at her. My 
 brother and my sister, who were both married, 
 would be in danger of losing their partners 
 in life, for the latter could sue for and obtain 
 divorces from them from any rabbi, on the 
 ground that their brother was a believer in 
 Christ. My little nephews and nieces would 
 no longer find any playmates at school, on 
 account of their uncle ; all the other children 
 would consider it an act of worship to abuse 
 them at every opportunity ; and should they, 
 in the course of time, find young men and 
 women willing to marry them — which was 
 doubtful — their children would likewise be 
 
82 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 shunned and abused on account of a Meshiimod 
 in the family. In a word, I would bring ruin 
 and lifelong misery on my family in the im- 
 mediate present, and for generations to come. 
 Did I have the right to do so? 
 
 Then began the struggle between love for 
 Christ and love for my family. On the one 
 hand, there were those near and dear to me 
 stretching out their hands to me in agony and 
 terror, beseeching me in the name of my dead 
 father, in the name of the saints, of the Law 
 and the rabbis, in the name of all that is dear 
 to a Jew's heart, not to bring disgrace and 
 ruin upon them by becoming a Meshumod ; 
 while, on the other hand, there was Christ, 
 my Saviour, calling me to come unto him 
 and obtain a pardon for my sins and life 
 everlasting. My Jewish training, my relatives, 
 my friends, the entire Jewish nation cried out 
 to me that I was a Jew and therefore had 
 no part in Jesus of Nazareth, and that my 
 first duty was to my relatives; while Paul 
 was telling me that the gospel of Jesus Girist 
 was the power of God unto salvation to every- 
 one that belie veth, to the Jew first — to me 
 first, and Jesus himself was forever repeat- 
 ing, "He that loveth father or mother more 
 
Coming to the Light 83 
 
 than me is not worthy of me." Matthew 
 10:37. 
 
 Several times I was on the point of renounc- 
 ing Christ, but I could not. Often I prayed to 
 God to remove the thoughts of Christ from 
 my mind for the sake of my poor, innocent 
 relatives, and invariably the words of Jesus 
 came to me as an answer, "He that believeth 
 on me, believeth not on me, but on him that 
 sent me." Therefore, in the light of these 
 words, my relatives were preventing me from 
 believing in the God of my father Abraham, 
 substituting in God's stead a sensuous Being, 
 the product of the distorted minds of the rab- 
 bis ; and my duty in the matter was so clearly 
 laid down in the Law that I could not misun- 
 derstand it. How could I misinterpret the com- 
 mand of Moses, Deuteronomy 13 : 6-8, not to 
 listen to anyone who urged me on to idolatry? 
 Yet, pray as I would, I could not change the 
 fact that my mother and my relatives, and 
 the rabbis and all Israel were urging me on 
 to the idolatry of rabbinism, to the exclusion 
 of my God. Christ alone stood ready to bring 
 me to him : everybody else was making a des- 
 perate attempt to plunge me into eternal dam- 
 nation. 
 
84 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 Thus I struggled and prayed, listening in 
 turn to the voices of Christ and of my people, 
 and swayed in my emotions from side to side 
 as a reed is by a storm. By degrees, the voices 
 of my people grew fainter and fainter, and 
 in the same measure Christ's voice grew 
 clearer and stronger ; and at last the day came 
 when I could hear only his voice speaking 
 sweetly of peace, of forgiveness, of salvation, 
 of the Father and of everlasting life. All else 
 was hushed, — he had won. He had become the 
 very breath of my life, and it was no longer 
 a choice with me between Christ and my rel- 
 atives, or Christ and the Law, but between 
 Christ and despair, between Christ and death. 
 My people had lost their influence over me ; I 
 could only pity them, and, pitying, love them 
 all the more, even with the love taught me 
 by Jesus Christ. 
 
 I now confessed the Lord Jesus before Mr. 
 Matthews and requested baptism. He re- 
 ceived the news very coolly and informed me 
 that I could afford to wait. This surprised me, 
 for together with the rest of my brethren, I 
 had had the idea that the missionary was lying 
 in wait for unwary Jews, eager to pour holy 
 water upon them in a moment of their thought- 
 
Coming to the Light 85 
 
 lessness. And when, after I had repeated my 
 request several times at intervals of a few 
 weeks, he still treated me coolly, I began to 
 suspect the sincerity of the old gentleman's 
 belief in Jesus Christ. 
 
 However, the time was now past when I 
 could be influenced in my own belief by the 
 attitude assumed by any individual, and I re- 
 solved to make a final appeal to the missionary, 
 and, if he disappointed me, to look for satis- 
 faction elsewhere. Accordingly, three months 
 after my first confession of the Lord, I very 
 earnestly addressed myself to Mr. Matthews, 
 setting forth my disappointment at his cool- 
 ness toward me and indifference toward my 
 request. Then, to my joy, his manner 
 changed ; his eye beamed again with the 
 old kindness, and he evinced satisfaction in 
 every feature as he grasped me warmly by 
 the hand and said : "My son, you have 
 stood the trial well ; I see that you really 
 and truly are converted to the Lord Jesus 
 Christ and are worthy to be taken into fel- 
 lowship with him. So be it ; you shall be 
 baptized." 
 
 The following Sunday it was accomplished, 
 and Christ came to dwell in me and I in him. 
 
86 From the Rabbis to Christ 
 
 But it had required eighteen months to con* 
 vert me. 
 
 Several of my Jewish friends had heard of 
 the proposed ceremony and came to witness 
 it. When it was over, one of them, a very 
 earnest man, approached me and sorrowfully 
 said : "Henry, what have you done ! You 
 have killed your poor mother and brought dis- 
 grace upon yourself and your family !" His 
 remarks cut me to the heart, but there was a 
 sense of satisfaction, for I knew that Christ 
 had found me. 
 
 Ever since then the voice of my Lord has 
 been continually urging me on to go and tell 
 my brethren about God as revealed by his Son. 
 But I preferred to wait, thinking that delay 
 would redound to God's glory, for the reason 
 that after my baptism I could not persuade 
 my Jewish friends among whom I was anxious 
 to begin Christ's work that I was in earnest, 
 and I knew that, unless I could persuade them 
 of my earnestness, my work among them would 
 necessarily be in vain. They were divided 
 in their opinions as to the real reasons which 
 underlay my baptism, some affirming that I 
 was mentally unbalanced, others pitying me 
 for having succumbed to the wiles of the mis- 
 
Coming to the Light 87 
 
 sionary, while a third contingent persistently 
 inquired as to the amount of money I had 
 received as an inducement to submit to bap- 
 tism. 
 
 For two years I continued to work among 
 them at my trade, serving the Lord and en- 
 deavoring to disabuse their minds, in the hope 
 that some day they would listen to the truths 
 of the gospel. However, my efforts failed en- 
 tirely, and I finally came out in open work 
 for Jesus Christ in other fields. Now I can 
 only hear his command to preach the gospel to 
 every creature, and his promise to be with me 
 "Alway, even unto the end of the world." 
 What if my people despise me? They have 
 despised him before me. But if I succeed in 
 bringing only a single one of my erring 
 brethren to the feet of my Redeemer, even as 
 I myself have been brought to him, what joy 
 there will be in heaven ! 
 
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