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The Clockmaker, by Judge Hali-
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Sir Chas.Grandison,by Richardson
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Lucretia.
Harold.
Zanoni.
What will He Do
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The Coming Race.
Kenelm Chillingly.
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Falkland and Zicci.
Pausanias.
By JAMES GRANT.
Romance of War.
The Aide-de-Camp.
Scottish Cavalier.
Both well.
Jane Seton.
Philip Rollo.
Legends of the Black
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Mary of Lorraine.
Oliver Ellis.
Lucy Arden,
Frank Hilton.
The Yellow Frigate.
Harry Ogilvie.
Arthur Blane.
Laura Everingham.
Captain of the Guard.
Letty Hyde's Lovers.
Cavaliers of Fortune.
Second to None.
Constable of France.
Phantom Regiment.
King's Own Borderers.
The White Cockade.
Dick Rodney.
First Love & Last Love
The Girl He Married.
Lady Wedderburn's
Wish.
Jack Manly.
Only an Ensign.
Adventures of Rob Roy
Under the Red Dragon
The Queen's Cadet.
Shall I Win Her ?
Fairer than a Fairy.
The Secret Dispatch.
One of the Six Hun¬
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Morley Ashton.
Did She Love Him ?
The Ross-shire Buffs.
By G. P. R. JAMES.
The Brigand.
Morley Ernstein.
Dor 1 ley.
Riche ieu.
The Gipsy.
Arab- 11a Stuart.
The Woodman.
Agincourt.
Russell.
Castle of Ehrenstein.
The Stepmother.
Forest Days.
The Huguenot.
The Man at Arms.
A Whim and its Con ¬
sequences.
Henry Masterton.
The Convict.
Mary of Burgundy.
Gowrie.
Delaware.
The Robber.
One in a Thousand.
The Smuggler.
Heidelberg.
The Forgery.
Gentleman of the C . -
School.
Philip Augustus.
The Black Eagle.
Beauchamp.
Arrah Neil.
Sir W. SCOTT.
Waverley.
Guy Mannering.
Old Mortality.
Heart of Midlothian.
Rob Roy.
Ivanhoe.
The Antiquary.
Bride of Lammermcor.
Black Dwarf and
Legend of Montrc
The Monastery.
The Abbot.
Kenilworth.
Ttie Pirate.
Fortunes of Nigel.
Peveril of the Peak.
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r ^ :
TWO SHILLING BOOKS, continued.
Quentin Durward.
St. Ronan's Well.
*Red Gauntlet.
Betrothed and High¬
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The Talisman and
Two Drovers.
Woodstock.
Fair Maid of Peith.
Anne of Geierstein.
Count Robert of Paris.
Surgeon's Daughter.
By Mrs. GORE.
The Money Lender.
Pin Money.
The Dowager.
Mothers & Daughters.
Cecil.
The Debutante.
| W. H. MAXWELL.
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Brian O'Lynn.
Captain Blake.
The Bivouac.
Hector O Halloran.
Captain O'Sullivan.
Stories of the Penin-
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! Flood and Field,
i Sports and Adventures
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Wild Sports in the
West.
THEODORE HOOK
Peregrine Bunce.
Cousin Geoffry.
Gilbert Gurney.
Parson's Daughter.
All in the Wrong.
Widow and Marquess.
Gurney Married.
Jack Brag.
Maxwell.
Man of Many Friends.
Passion and Principle.
Merton.
'Gervase Skinner.
Cousin William.
Fathers and Sons.
Author of " Guy
Livingstone."
Guy Livingstone.
Barren Honour.
Maurice Dering.
Brakespeare.
Anteros.
Breaking a Butterfly.
Sans Merci.
Sword and Gown.
EDMUND YATES.
Running the Gauntlet.
Kissing the Rod.
The Rock Ahead.
Black Sheep.
A Righted Wrong.
The Yellow Flag.
Impending Sword.
A Waiting Race.
Broken to Harness.
Two by Tricks.
A Silent Witness.
H. K1NGSLEY.
Stretton.
Old Margaret.
The Harveys.
Hornby Mills. i
Capt. ARMSTRONG
The Two Midshipmen.
The Medora.
The War Hawk.
Young Commander.
By Capt. CHAMIER.
Life of a Sailor.
Ben Brace.
Tom Bowling.
Jack Adams.
HENRY COCKTON.
Valentine Vox.
Stanley Thorn.
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The Light Dragoon.
Chelsea Veterans.
The Hussar.
By Mrs. CROWE.
Night Side of Nature.
Susan Hopley.
Linny Lockwood.
ALEX. DUMAS. .
The Half Brothers.
Marguerite de Valois.
The Mohicans of Paris.
A. B. EDWARDS.
The Ladder of Life.
My Brother's Wife.
Half a Million of
Money.
By Miss' FERRIER.
Marriage.
The Inheritance.
Destiny.
By FIELDING.
Tom Jones.
Joseph Andrews.
Amelia.
By GERSTAEKER.
A Wife to Order.
The Two Convicts.
Feathered Arrow.
Each for Himself.
By LANG.
Will He Marry Her?
The Ex-Wife.
CHAS. LEVER.
Arthur O'Leary.
Con Cregan.
By S. LOVER.
Rory O'More.
Handy Andy.
By MAYNE REID.
The Quadroon.
The War Trail.
By Captain NEALE.
The Lost Ship.
The Captain's Wife.
Pride of the Mess.
Will Watch.
Cavendish.
The Flying Dutchman.
Gentleman Jack.
The Port Admiral.
The Naval Surgeon.
ALBERT SMITH.
Marchioness of Brin-
villiers.
Adventures of Mr.
Ledbury.
Scattergood Family.
Christopher Tadpole.
The Pottleton Legacy.
By SMOLLETT.
Roderick Random.
Humphrey Clinker.
Peregrine Pickle.
Mrs. TROLLOPE.
Petticoat Government.
One Fault.
Widow Barnaby.
Widow Married.
Barnabys in America.
The Ward.
Love and Jealousy.
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The Old Helmet.
Ellen Montgomery's
Bookshelf.
Melbourne House.
The Two School Girls.
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Wide, Wide World.
Queechy.
By the Author of
" Whitefriars."
Whitefriars.
Whitehall.
Caesar Borgia.
By VARIOUS AUTHORS
Caleb Williams, by Godwin.
Scottish Chiefs.
Torlogh O'Brien. [Martineau.
The Hour and the Man, by Miss
The Prairie Bird.
The Rifleman, by Captain Rafter.
Salathiel, by Dr. Croly.
Francesca Carrara, by L. E. L.
The Bashful Irishman.
Deeds, not Words.
Secret of a Life. [Long.
Sir Roland Ashton, by Lady C.
The Greatest Plague of Life, with
Cruikshank's plates.
The Attach^, by Sam Slick.
The Green Hand.
Hajji Baba of Ispahan.
Whom to Marry, with Cruik¬
shank's plates.
Letter Bag of the Great Western.
Black and Gold.
Vidocq, the French Police Spy.
Gilderoy.
Singleton Fontenoy.
The Lamplighter.
Gideon Giles, the Roper.
Clives of Burcot.
The Wandering Jew.
The Mysteries of Paris.
Land and Sea Tales.
False Colours, by Annie Thomas.
Nick of the Woods.
Mabel Vaughan.
Banim's Peep o" Day.
Banim's Smuggler. [Norton.
Stuart of Dunleath, by Hon. Mrs.
Adventures of a Strolling Player.
Solitary Hunter.
Kaloolah, by Mayo.
Won in a Canter, by Old Calabar.
Mornings at Bow Street, with
plat»s by George Cruikshank.
Boscobel, by W. H. Ainsworth.
Blount Tempest, by J. C. Bellew.
Tom Bulkeley of Lissington.
Arctic Regions. P. L. Simmonds.
Owen Tudor.
Maid of Orleans.
Westminster Abbey.
Madeleine Graham.
Gold Worshippers.
Armourer's Daughter.
Dower House, by Annie Thomas.
Miss Forrester, by the Author of
" Archie LovelL"
The Pretty Widow, by Chas. Ross.
Recommended to Mercy.
Adventures of Dr. Brady, by Dr.
W. H. Russell. [Places.
Love Stories of English Watering
A Perfect Treasure, by Author of
" Lost Sir Massingberd."
Saved by a Woman, by the Author
of " No Appeal."
At His Gates, by Mrs. Oliphant.
Golden Lion of Granpere, by An¬
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Murphy's Master, by the Author
of " Lost Sir Massingberd."
Manchester Rebels, by Ainsworth.
Helen, by Miss Edge worth.
First Lieutenant's Story, by Lady
Long. [Charles Dickens.
Grimaldi, the Clown, Edited by
Rodenhurst; or, The Millionaire
and the Hunchback.
Clement Lorimer, by A. B. Reach.
Tom Cringle's Log, by M. Scott.
Private Life of an Eastern King.
Adventures of Captain Hatteras,
by Verne.
Twenty Thousand Leagues under
the Sea, by Verne.
Five Weeks in a Balloon, and a
Journey to Centre of the Earth.
Preston Fight, by Ainsworth.
My Love she's but a Lassie yet.
Cross of Honour, Annie Thomas. ■
The Girl he left Behind him, by
J. M. Jephson. [Colomb.f
Hearths and Watchfires, by Col. •
City of the Sultan, by Miss Pardoe.
Jennie of the "Prince's."
Through the Mist, Jeanie Hering. ^
Tales of the Coastguard.
Leonard Lindsay. Angus B. Reach.
Carleton's Traits, ist series. '
2nd series.
Published by George Routledge and Sons.
$
%
k
LEEDLE
YAWCOB STRAUSS.
AMERICAN LIBRARY:
A Series of the most Popular American Works, in fancy covers, is. each.
Messrs. George Routledge & Sons are my only authorised London
Publishers.—(Signed) Mark Twain.
By MARK TWAIN.
The Celebrated Jumping Frog.
Author's edition, with a Copy¬
right Poem.
Roughing It (copyright).
The Innocents at Home (copy¬
right).
Mark Twain's Curious Dream
(copyright).
The Innocents Abroad.
The New Pilgrim's Progress.
Information Wanted, and
Sketches.
By BRET HARTE.
The Luck of Roaring Camp, with
a Preface by Tom Hood.
Bret Harte's Poems (complete).
Mrs. Skaggs's Husbands.
Condensed Novels.
An Episode of Fiddletown.
The Fool of Five Forks.
Wan Lee, the Pagan.
Thankful Blossom.
A Summer Sheaf.
ByE. EGGLESTON.
The Hoosier Schoolmaster.
The End of the World.
The Mystery of Metropolisville.
Maum Guinea, by Mrs. Victor.
Life in Danbury.
My Opinions, and Betsy Bobbits.
Farm Ballads, by Carleton.
Out of the Hurly Burly, by Max
Adeler.
Autocrat of the Breakfast Table.
Artemus Ward : His Book—His
Travels.
Eastern Fruit on Western Dishes.
First Families of the Sierras.
Biglow Papers, ist and 2nd series.
Cloth of Gold, by T. B. Aldrich.
Helen's Babies, by One of their
Victims.
Elbow Room, by Max Adeler.
The Barton Experiment, by the
Author of Helen's Babies.
Jericho Road, by the same Author.
Some Other Babies, Very Like
Helen's, only More So.
The Man who was Not a Colonel,
by a High Private.
Dot and Dime: Two Characters
in Ebony.
The Poet at the Breakfast Table.
By O. W. Holmes.
The Scripture Club of Valley
Rest.
Other People's Children.
That Husband of Mine.
The Four Inexpressibles.
Two Shilling Volumes.
Roughing It, and the Innocents
at Home.
Mark Twain's Sketches.
The Innocents Abroad, and the
New Pilgrim's Progress.
The Celebrated Jumping Frog,
and the Curious Dream.
Prose and Poetry, by Bret Harte.
Holmes's Poet at the Breakfast
Table.
Holmes's Elsie Venner.
Condensed Novels, and Mrs.
Skaggs's Husbands.
The Circuit Rider, by Eggleston.
Arthur Bonnicastle, by Dr. Hol¬
land.
The Gilded Age, a novel, by Mark
Twain and C. D. Warner.
Josh Billings' Wit and Humour.
Prudence Palfrey, by T. B.
Aldrich.
Marjorie Daw, by T. B. Aldrich.
Helen's Babies,and Other People's
Children.
Mr. Miggsof Danbury, by J. M.
Bailey.
Some Folks, by Author of Helen's
Babies.
Published by George Routledge and Sons.
6
LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS,
2W #lkll jga-ew.
by
CHARLES E. ADAMS.
j£r!r C-W.r-
LONDON:
GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS,
THE BEOADWAY, LUDGATE.
PREFACE.
It is with some misgivings that the
author, at the solicitation of many, per¬
haps over-zealous friends, has ventured to
place this little volume before the public.
The writer, moving only in the mercantile
world, feels that he has wandered into for¬
bidden ground, and craves the indulgence
of the literati for these attempts to " woo
the Muse" during the few leisure hours
allowed to members of his vocation.
That its crudities may be excused by
reason of the writer's non-familiarity with
PREFACE.
matters so foreign to liis daily routine of
business life, and tbat " Leedle Yawcob "
and bis companions may serve to while
away a leisure hour for the casual reader,
is the wish of the author.
CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
Yawcob Strauss 11
A Highly-Coloured Romance ... 14
To Bary Jade 18
The Puzzled Dutchman .... 21
L-E-G on a Mule 23
Economy 26
Pat's Criticism ...... 29
Ravenous Bill 32
Shonny Schwartz 37
A Tale of a Hose 40
To a Dressmaker 43
Yankee Shrewdness 45
Logic 49
Der Drummer 51
X
CONTENTS.
Repartee .....
Fritz end I
Intemperance ....
Little Tim's Revenge .
Dot Baby off Mine
John Barley-Corn, My Foe .
Hans and Fritz
Sequel to the ''One-Horse Shay
Woman
Zwei Lager ....
A Tough Customer .
Dot Poodle Dog .
Misplaced Sympathy
Yot I Like und Don'd Like
The Widow Malone's Pig
A Trapper's Story
Johnny Judkins
The Lost Pet
The Soldier's Grave
LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS.
fattmAt jliraass.
I haf von funny leedle poy,
Yot gomes scbust to mine knee;
Der queerest scbap, der createst rogue,
As efer you dit see.
He runs, und scbumps, und scbmasbes dings
In all barts of der bouse :
But vot off dot ? be vas mine son,
Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss.
12
YAWCOB STBAUSS.
He get der measles und der mumbs,
Und eferyding dot's oudt;
He sbills mine glass of lager bier,
Poots schnuff indo mine kraut.
He fills mine pipe mit Limburg cheese,—
Dot vas der roughest chouse :
I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy
But leedle Yawcob Strauss.
He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum,
Und cuts mine cane in dwo,
To make der schticks to beat it mit,—
Mine gracious, dot vos drue !
I dinks mine jhed vas schplit abart,
He kicks oup sooch a touse :
But never mind; der poys vas few
Like dot young Yawcob Strauss.
YAWGOJB STRAUSS.
13
He asks me questions sooch as dese :
Who baints mine nose so red ?
Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt
Yrom der hair ubon mine hed ?
Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp
Yene'er der glim I douse.
How gan I all dose dings eggsblain
To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss ?
I somedimes dink I schall go vild
Mit sooch a grazy poy,
Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest,
Und beaceful dimes enshoy;
But ven lie vash ashleep in ped,
So guiet as a mouse,
I prays der Lord, " Dake any ding,
But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss."
14 A HIGHLY-COLOURED ROMANCE.
% Iftgllij-dtdburrir Imnntui.
Ben Green was a New-Hampshire boy,
Who stood full six feet two :
A jovial chap this same Ben Green,
Though he had oft been blue.
He loved a girl named Olive Brown,
Who lived near Bixby's pond,
And who, despite her brunette name,
Was a decided blonde.
A HIGHLY-COLOURED ROMANCE. 15
A pink of rare perfection she,
The belle of all the town;
Though Ben oft wished her Olive Green,
Instead of Olive Brown.
And she loved Ben, and said that nought
Should mar their joy serene;
And, when she changed from Olive Brown,
'Twould surely be to Green.
She kept her word in-violet,
And vowed, ere she was wed,
Although when Brown she had Be(e)n
Green,
When Green she'd be well read.
But, ah ! her young affections changed
To Gray, a Southern fellow ;
And Green turned white the news to hear,
Though first it made him yell, oh!
16 A HIGHLY-COLOURED ROMANCE.
Says lie, " How can you lilac this,
When you vowed to be true ?
I'll take your fine young lover, Gray,
And beat him till he's blue."
Then Olive Brown to crimson turned,
And said, " Do as you say :
The country long has wished to see
' The Blue combined with Gray.' "
Ben Green to purple turned with rage,
And black his brow as night;
While on the cheek of Olive Brown
The crimson changed to white.
" 0 cruel Olive Brown ! " says Ben,
" I've been dun-brown by you :
Let this c Grayback' his steps retrace,
And take Greenback,—oh, do !s'
A HIGHLY-COLOURED ROMANCE. 17
Poor Olive Brown, what could she say,
To sea-Green look so sad ?
And so she rose, and said to him,
" I'll go and ask my dad."
The years rolled by : Ben's raven locks
For silver did not lack ;
And Olive, with her hair of gold,
Was glad she took Greenback.
18
TO BABY JADE.
)tx JSrnij |aire*
The bood is beabig brighdly, love ;
The sdars are sbidig too;
While I ab gazig dreabily,
Add thigkig, love, of yon.
You caddot, oh! you caddot kdow,
By darlig, how I biss you—
(Oh, whadt a fearful cold I've got!—
Ck-tish,u! Ck-ck-fa's^-u!)
TO BABY JABB.
19
I'b sittig in the arbor, love,
Where you sat by by side,
Whed od that calb, autubdal dight
You said you'd be by bride.
Oh ! for wud bobedt to caress
Add tederly to kiss you;
Budt do! we're beddy biles apart—
(Ho -rash-o! Ck-ck-tish-u !)
This charbig evedig brigs to bide
The tibe whed first we bet;
It seebs budt odly yesterday;
I thig I see you yet.
Oh! tell be, ab I sdill your owd ?
By hopes—oh, do dot dash theb !
(Codfoud by cold, 'tis gettig worse—
Ck-tish-u ! Ck-ck-thrasJi-eb !)
20
TO BABY JADE.
Good-by, by darlig Bary Jade !
The bid-digkt hour is dear;
Add it is hardly wise, by love,
For be to ligger here.
The heavy dews are fallig fast:
A fod good-dight I wish you.
(Ko-rash-o !—there it is agaid—
Ck-thrash-vb! Ck-ck-^'s7i-u!)
THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. 21
Jhtttljman.
I'm a proken-hearted Deutscher,
Yot's villed mit crief und shame.
I dells you Yot der drouple ish :
I doosn't know my name.
You dinks dis fery vunny, eh ?
Yen you der schtory hear,
You vill not vonder den so mooch,
It vas so schtrange und queer.
22 THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN.
Mine moder liad dwo leedle twins;
Dey vas me und mine broder:
Ye lookt so fery mooch alike,
No yon knew vich vrom toder.
Yon off der poys was " Yawcob,"
Und " Hans " der oder's name:
But den it made no tifferent;
Ye both got called der same.
Yell! yon off us got tead—
Yaw, Mynheer, dot ish so !
But yedder Hans or Yawcob,
Mine moder she don'd know.
Und so I am in drouples:
I gan't kit droo mine hed
Vedder I'm Hans vot's lifing,
Or Yawcob vot is tead !
L-E-G ON A MULE.
23
-JI-® on a ft life.
Did you hear of the accident, just t'other
day,
That occurred to a youth of the Y. M.
C. A.?
One morning, while walking out with his
friend ISTeff,—
M. W. a. M. of the I. 0. 0. F.,—
24 L-E-G ON A MULE.
His friend exclaimed suddenly, " Look
there, I say ?
There's a chance for the S. F. P. 0. 0.
T. A.! "
A "broth of a boy," who was just from a
spree,
"Was cruelly beating his m-u-l-e.
Our hero stepped up to expostulate, when
The mule kicked his a-b-d-o-m-e-n.
This doubled him up with a half-muttered
phrase,
As foot No. 2 knocked him e-n-d-ways.
They bore him home gently, as gently
could be,
And gave him a pint of hot 1-oo-t.
L-E-G ON A MULE.
25
A voltaic plaster they placed, sans delay,
Where that treacherous mule left his
m-a-r-k.
A hip discolated; a general jar ;
Striking proofs of " one-mule p-o-w-e-r."
When the patient first spoke, what d'ye
s'pose he did say,—
This model young man of the Y. M. C. A. ?
Says he, " I'll be b-l-o-w-e-d
If ever I'll plead for a m-u-l-e ! "
26
ECONOMY.
" There's nothing like economy,"
I heard a chap remark,
Who, judging by his tout ensemble,
Had issued from the ark.
He was a most peculiar man,
With visage wan and thin,
And liquid drops of amber hue
A-trickling down his chin.
ECONOMY.
27
"They tell us it's extravagant,"
He added with a shrug,
As he deposited a quid
Within his spacious " mug."—
" They tell us it's extravagant,
This 4 chewing of the weed ;'
But only use 4 economy,'
You'll never be in need.
" And this is how to practise it:
Chew your tobacco well,
Using a little at a time,—
It nat'rally will swell;
" Then take the quid and dry it, sir! "—
'Twas thus the fellow spoke,—
"And, when you want a quiet whiff,
Put in your pipe, and smoke.
28
ECOhOMY.
" And, stranger, after doing this,
If you are fond of snuff,
The ashes that are left behind
Will serve you well enough.
"And thus," said this peculiar man
(I fear he did but joke,)
" If you will follow my advice,
It will not end in smoke
PAT'S CRITICISM.
yntf% Iriiimttn
There's a story that's old,
But good if twice told,
Of a doctor of limited skill,
"Who cured beast and man
On the ce cold-water plan,"
Without the small help of a pill.
On his portal of pine
Hung an elegant sign,
Depicting a beautiful rill,
30
PAT'S CRITICISM.
And a lake where a sprite,
With apparent delight,
Was sporting in sweet dishabille.
Pat McCarty one day,
As he sauntered that way,
Stood and gazed at that portal of pine;
When the doctor with pride
Stepped up to his side,
Saying, " Pat, how is that for a sign ? "
" There's wan thing," says Pat,
" Ye've lift out o' that,
Which, be jabers ! is quoite a mistake :
It's trim, and it's nate;
But, to make it complate,
Ye shud have a foine burd on the lake."
PAT'S CRITICISM.
31
" All! indeed ! pray, then, tell,
To make it look well
What bird do you think it may lack ? "
Says Pat, " Of the same
I've forgotten the name,
But the song that he sings is * Quack!
quack! ' "
32
BAVEN0U8 BILL.
3|attemtiJSi pill
Oh ! a terrible glutton was " Ravenous
BiU,"
Mate of the good ship " Whippoorwill; "
And seldom it was he could get his fill;
A fact he oft would mention.
And many a time, when eating his beef,
Would the captain tell him to "take a
reef; "
But to such requests he was ever " deaf,"
This being a bone of contention.
RAVENOUS BILL. 33
He cheated the sailors out of their prog,
Nor left e'en a scrap for the captain's dog:
He was such a gourmand and terrible
" hog,"
That he'd " eat you out of your
house."
He thought no more of a leg of ham,
A peck of potatoes, and shoulder of lamb,
With all the " fixin's,"—wine, jellies, and
jam,—
Than a cat would think of a mouse.
At length on distant Southern sands
The vessel was stranded ; and all the hands
Were captured by some of the savage bands
Who lived on that foreign coast.
34 RAVENOUS BILL.
Poor Bill was taken among the rest,
And became at once a cannibal's guest;
(No pleasant position, it must be confessed,
To wake up some morning already
" dressed "
Por a native's " fancy roast.")
For want of rations Bill had grown thin,—
Nothing, in fact, but bones and skin;
And his heathen master (as ugly as sin,
To find he'd so badly been " taken in ")
Devised a horrible plan.
To wit: a bamboo cage he'd make,
And put in Bill, with a monstrous snake
Called the anaconda, that could easily
" take "
Most any " reasonable " man.
RAVENOUS BILL. 35
At last 'twas finished,—the cage was done;
The snake was captured,—a monstrous
one :
The natives assembled to see the "fun,"
And " settle their Bill," they said, as a pun,
Referring to the " collation."
Our hero was thrust into the cage
Where the snake was coiling itself with
rage,
Eager and waiting its prey to engage,—
An engaging occupation.
As Bill and the snake met face to face,
He was folded at once in its close embrace ;
And the natives, thinking he'd "ran his
race,"
Began on his fate to ponder ;
36 BAVE NOUS BILL.
When—what d'ye suppose first met their
eyes ?
As the dust from the scene did slowly rise,
They found that Bill, to their great surprise,
Had—SWALLOWED THE ANACONDA !
SHONNY SCHWARTZ.
Hap you seen mine leedle Shonny,
Shonny Schwartz,-
Mit his hair so soft und yellow,
TJnd his face so blump und mellow ;
Sooch a funny leedle fellow,—
Shonny Schwartz
Efry mornings dot young Shonny—
Shonny Schwartz-
Kises mit der preak off day,
Und does his chores oup righdt avay;
For he gan vork so well as blay,—
Shonny Schwartz.
38 SHONNY SCHWARTZ.
Mine Katrina says to Shonny,
" Shonny Schwartz,
Helb your barents all you gan,
For dis life vas bud a shban :
Py und py you'll been a man,
Shonny Schwartz."
How I lofes to see dot Shonny—
Shonny Schwartz—
Yhen he schgampers off to schgool,
Yhere he alvays minds der rule !
For he vas nopody's fool,—
Shonny Schwartz.
How I vish dot leedle Shonny—
Shonny Schwartz—
Could remain von leedle poy,
Alvays full off life und shoy,
Und dot Time vould not annoy
Shonny Schwartz !
8E0NN7 SCHWARTZ.
39
Nefer mindt, mine leedle Shonny,—
Shonny Schwartz;
Efry day prings someding new :
Alvays keep der righdt in view,
Und baddle, den, yonr own canoe,
Shonny Schwartz.
Keep her in der channel, Shonny,—
Shonny Schwartz :
Life's Yoyich vill pe quickly o'er;
TJnd den ubon dot bedder shore
Ye'll meet again, to bart no more,
Shonny Schwartz.
40
A TALE OF A NOSE.
J[ fmfe n lfxi$£+
'Twas a hard case, that which happened in
Lynn.
Haven't heard of it, eh ? Well then, to begin,
There's a Jew down there whom they call
" Old Mose,"
Who travels about, and buys old clothes.
Now Mose—which the same is short for
Moses—
Had one of the biggest kind of noses :
A TALE OF A NOSE. 41
It had a sort of an instep in it,
And lie fed it with snuff about once a
minute.
One day he got in a bit of a row
With a German chap who had kissed his
frau,
And, trying to punch him a la Mace,
Had his nose cut off close up to his face.
He picked it up from off the ground,
And quickly back in its place 'twas bound,
Keeping the bandage upon his face
Until it had fairly healed in place.
Alas for Mose ! 'Twas a sad mistake
Which he in his haste that day did make;
Hor, to add still more to his bitter cup,
He found he had placed it wrong side up.
42 A TALE OF A NOSE.
"There's no great loss without some gain;1
And Moses says, in a jocular vein,
He arranged it so for taking snuff,
As he never before could get enough.
One thing, by the way, he forgets to add,
Which makes the arrangement rather bad
Although he can take his snuff with ease.
He has to stand on his head to sneeze !
TO A DRESSMAKER.
43
)tX It
Oh ! wherefore bid me leave thy side,
Dear Polly ? I would ask.
How can I all my feelings cloak
When in thy smiles I basque ?
Nay, " Polly-nay," I cannot go !
Oh! do not stand aloof,
When of my warm affection
You possess, oh, wat-er-proof!
44
TO A DRESSMAKER.
Why will you thus my feelings gore
By sending me away ?
You know it's wrong, of corset is,
Thus to forbid my stay.
It seams as though some fell disease
Was gnawing at my heart,
And hem-orrhage would soon ensue
If we, perchance, should part.
Then waist the precious time no more,
But let the parson tie us
Sew firmly that the marriage-knot
Shall never be cut bias.
In peaceful quietude we'll float
On life's unruffled tide,
Nor let the bustle of the world
" Pull-back " as on we glide.
YANKEE SHREWDNESS. 45
In a little country village,
Not many years ago,
There lived a real " live Yankee,"
Whom they called " Old Uncle Snow."
In trade he had no equal;
And storekeepers would say,
" We're always ' out of pocket'
When Snow comes round this way."
4
46
YANKEE SHREWDNESS.
'Twas the custom of the villagers—
Few of them being rich—
To trade their surplus " garden-sass "
For groceries and " sich."
One store supplied the village
With goods of every kind,
Including wines and liquors
For those that way inclined.
A counter in the " sample-room"
Was fixed up very neat;
And after every " barter-trade "
The storekeeper would " treat."
Old Snow brought in, one morning,
An egg fresh from the barn,
And said, " Give me a. needle :
My woman wants to darn."
YANKEE SHREWDNESS.
The trade was made : the storekeeper
Asked him to take a drink.
" I'll humour him," he said, aside,
As the lookers-on did wink.
" Don't care, naow, ef I do," says Sno
"And, as your goin' to treat,
Just put a leetle sugar in—
I like my liquor sweet.
"And, say, while you're about it—
Though I don't like to beg—
'Twill taste a leetle better
If you drop in an egg."
" All right, friend," says the grocer,
Now being fairly "caught,"
And dropped into the tumbler
The egg that Snow had brought I
YANKEE SHREWDNESS.
The egg contained a double yolk.
Says Snow, " Here, tbis won't
Give me another needle, 'Squire;
This egg's the same as two! "
LOGIC.
5Tis strange, but true, that a common
Has got ten tails—just think of that!
Don't see it, eh ? The fact is plain :
To prove it so I rise t'explain.
"We say a cat has but one tail :
Behold how logic lifts the veil!
No cat has nine tails : don't you see
One cat has one tail more than she ?
50
LOGIC.
Now add the one tail to the nine,
You'll find a full ten-tailed feline.
As Holmes has said, in his " One-Horse
Shay,"
Logic is logic ; that's all I say.
DEB DBUMMEB.
51
Jbr JJrmttmer,
Who puts oup at der pest hotel,
Und dakes his oysders on der schell,
TJnd mit der franleins cuts a schwell ?
Der drummer.
Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore,
Drows down his pundles on der yloor,
TJnd nefer schtops to shut der door ?
Der drummer.
52
DEB DBUMMEB.
Who dakes me py der handt, und say,
" Hans Pfeiffer, how yon vas to-day ? "
Und goes for peesness righdt avay ?
Der drummer.
Who shpreads his zamples in a trice,
Und dells me, "Look, und see how nice " ?
Und says I gets " der bottom price" ?
Der drummer.
Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought,
Mooch less as vot I gould imbort,
But lets dem go as he vas " short" ?
Der drummer.
Who says der tings vas eggstra vine,—
" Yrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine,"—
Und sheats me den dimes oudt off nine ?
Der drummer.
DEB DRUMMER. 53
Who varrants all der goots to suit
Der gustomers ubon his route,
Uud yen dey gomes dey vas no goot ?
Der drummer,
Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt,
Drinks oup mine bier, and eats mine kraut,
Und kiss Katrina in der mout' ?
Der drummer.
Who, ven he gomes again dis vay,
Yill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say,
TTnd mit a plack eye goes avay ?
Der drummer.
54
REPARTEE.
One Mr. B
A joker he,
"While in a jovial mood,
Tried to explain
To neighbour N
A joke which he thought good.
His hearer, Neff,
Was very deaf,
And couldn't catch the joke;
REPARTEE.
Whereat B smiled,
Though slightly "riled,'
And thus to him he spoke
" 'Tis plain to me
As A B C,
My dear friend, Mr. Neff!
" Oh, yes ! but then,"
Says Mr. N
" You know I'm I) EFT
56
FEITZ UND I.
l|ni£ ttith f+
Mynheeb, blease lielb a boor oldt man
Yot gomes from Sharmany,
Mit Fritz, mine tog, und only freund.
To geep me gompany.
I haf no geld to puy mine pread,
No blace to lay me down;
For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I,
Und sdrangers in der town.
:FRITZ UND I.
57
Some beoples gife us dings to eadt,
Und some dey kicks us oudt,
Und say, " You don'd got peesnis here
To sdroll der schtreets aboudt! "
Yot's dot you say ?—you puy mine tog
To give me pread to eadt!
I vas so boor as nefer vas,
But I vas no " tead peat.,"
Yot, sell mine tog, mine leedle tog,
Dot vollows me aboudt,
Und vags bis dail like anydings
Yene'er I dakes him oudt ?
Schust look at him, und see him schump!
He likes me pooty yell;
Und der vas somedings 'bout dot tog,
Mynheer, I vouldn't sell.
58 FRITZ UND I.
" Der collar ? " Nein ; 'tvas someding
else
Yrom yich I gould not bart;
Und, if dot ding vas dook avay,
I dink it prakes mine heart.
" Yot vas it, den, aboudt dot tog,"
Yon ashk, " dot's not vor sale ? "
I dells you yot it ish, mine freund :
'Tis der yag off dot tog's dail!
INTEMPERANCE.
59
fatemprmtt**
Op all the vices in our land
Which we have reason most to dread,
Intemperance, the country's curse,
In bold relief stands at the head.
In every sphere its steps we trace,—
In lowly cot and mansion tall:
Alike on old and young it preys,
Bringing its share of woe to all.
60
INTEMPERANCE.
Men who could face the fiercest foe
Unmoved, midst battles' loudest roar,
Cannot the wine-cup's charm resist,
Nor boldly pass the dram-shop's door.
A mother's and a father's love
Cannot the drunkard's course control:
His every wish, his every thought,
Is centred in the flowing bowl.
Even the gentle, loving wife,
To whom he vowed eternal love,
And children, with their tearful prayers,
Fail his besotted heart to move.
Men of Columbia, are you slaves,
A galling yoke like this to wear ?
King Alcohol hurl from his throne,
And place a wiser monarch there.
INTEMPERANCE.
61
Then shall your loved ones' prayers be
heard,
A country's blessing be your prize ;
While He who sits enthroned above
Shall smile on you from out the skies.
5
62
LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE.
" Little Tim " was the name of him
Of whom I have to tell;
And he abode on the Western road,
In the busy town of L .
As trains went down through the little
town,
He peddled through the cars
His stock in trade,—iced lemonade,
Cake, peanuts, and cigars.
LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE.
63
Conductor Dunn was the only one
Who'd not this trade allow;
And so 'twixt him and little Tim
There always was a row.
At last one day they had a fray;
And Timothy declared
He'd "fix old Dunn, 'as sure's a gun,' "
If both their lives were spared.
So off he went with this intent,
And sold his stock in trade :
His earnings hard he spent for lard,
And started for " the grade."
(This place you know, is where trains go
Upon the steep hillside,
And where—with lard—it isn't hard
To get up quite a slide.)
64 LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE.
He took a stick, and spread it thick,
Remarking with a smile,
" There'll be some fun when Mr. Dunn
Commences to 4 strike ile '! "
He lay in wait: the train was late,
And came a-puffing hard,
With heavy load, right up the road
To where he'd spread the lard.
They tried in vain : that fated train
Could not ascend the grade:
The wheels would spin with horrid din ;
Yet no advance was made.
Then little Tim—'twas bold in him—
Cried out in accents shrill,
" Remember me, Conductor D.,
When you get up the hill! "
LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. 65
MORAL.
Success in trade is up a grade
That we should all ascend,
And with a will help up the hill
Our fellow-man and friend.
When " on the road," don't incommode
The seeker after pelf,
Or ten to one, like Mr. Dunn,
You'll not get up yourself.
66
DOT BABY OFF MINE.
J)oi Jaffij off fQiyr.
Mine cracious ! mine cracious ! shust look
here und see
A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe!
Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf
got;
Yas grazy mit trinking, or someding like
dot:
Id vasn't pecanse I trinks lager raid vine;
Id vas all on aggonnt off dot baby off
mine.
DOT BABY OFF MIND. 67
Dot schmall leedle yellow I dells yon vas
qyeer;
Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass
off peer;
Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a
schpeck;
A mout dot goes most to der pack off his
neck;
Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all
combine
To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine.
I dells yon dot baby vas von off der poys,
Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a
noise.
He shust has pecun to shbeak goot
English too;
Says "Mamma" nnd "Papa," nnd some¬
times " Ah, goo ! "
68 DOT BABY OFF MINE.
You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off
nine
Dot vas qvite so scbmart as dot boby off
mine.
He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings
aboudt,
Und poots eferyding he can find in his
mout;
He dumbles der shtairs down, und falls
vrom his chair,
Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible
sckare.
Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat
borcubine
Yen I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby
off mine.
DOT BABY OFF MINE.
69
Dere vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes
pooty veil,
To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young
Deutseher yell,
Und dravel der ped-room midout many
clo'es,
Yhile der chills down der shpine off mine
pack quickly goes:
Does leedle shimnasdic drinks vasn't so
fine
Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off
mine.
Yell, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe
men,
Und all off dese droubles vill peen ofer
den:
70 DOT BABY OFF MINE.
Dey vill year a yhite short-vront inshtead
off a bib,
Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in
deir crib.
Yell, veil, yen I'm feeble, und in life's
decline,
May mine oldt age pe cheered by dot baby
off mine!
JOHN BARLEY- CORN, MY FOB.
71
'djtt Ifra*
John Barley-Corn, my foe, John,
The song I have to sing
Is not in praise of you, John,
E'en though you are a king.
Your subjects they are legion, John,
I find where'er I go :
They wear your yoke upon their necks,
John Barley-Oorn, my foe.
72
JOHN BARLEY-CORN, MY FOE.
John Barley-Corn, my foe, John,
By your despotic sway
The people of our country, John,
Are suffering to-day.
You lay the lash upon their backs;
Yet willingly they go
And pay allegiance at the polls,
John Barley-Corn, my foe.
John Barley-Corn, my foe, John,
You've broken many a heart,
And caused the bitter tear, John,
From many an eye to start,
The widow and the fatherless
From pleasant homes to go,
And lead a life of sin and shame,
John Barley-Corn, my foe.
JOHN BARLEY-CORN, MY FOE.
73
John Barley-Corn, my foe, John,
May Heaven speed the hour,
When Temperance shall wear the crown
And Bum shall lose its power;
When from the East unto the West
The people all shall know
Their greatest curse has been removed,
John Barley-Corn, my foe !
74
HANS AND FRITZ.
3fim$ nt& l[rH£.
Hans and Fritz were two Deutscliers wlio
lived side by side,
Remote from the world, its deceit and its
pride:
With their pretzels and beer the spare
moments were spent,
And the fruits of their labour were peace
and content.
HANS AND FRITZ. 75
Hans purchased a horse of a neighbour
one day,
And, lacking a part of the Geld—as they
say-
Made a call upon Fritz to solicit a
loan
To help him to pay for his beautiful
roan.
Fritz kindly consented the money to
lend,
And gave the required amount to his
friend;
Remarking—his own simple language to
quote—
" Berhaps it vas bedder ve make us
a note."
7G HANS AND FRITZ.
The note was drawn np in their primitive
way,
" I, Hans, gets from Fritz feefty tollars
to-day; "
When the question arose, the note being
made,
"Vich von holds dot baper until it vas
baid ? "
" You geeps dot," says Fritz, " und den
you vill know
You owes me dot money." Says Hans,
" Dot ish so :
Dot makes me remempers I haf dot to
bay,
Und I prings you der note und der money
some day."
HANS AND FRITZ. 77
A month had expired, when Hans, as
agreed,
Paid back the amount, and from debt he
was freed.
Says Fritz, " How dot settles us." Hans
replies, "Yaw:
How who dakes dot baper accordings by
law ? "
" I geeps dot now, aind't it ? " says Fritz;
" den, you see,
I alyays remempers you baid dot to me."
Says Hans, " Dot ish so : it vas now sbust
so blain,
Dot I knows \ ot to do yen I porrows again."
< j SEQUEL TO TEE " ONE-HORSE SHAY."
In tip 44 ®nE-l|orsE j§|aij."
Doubtless my readers all have heard
Of the " wonderful one-horse shay "
That se went to pieces all at once "
On the terrible earthquake-day.
But did they ever think of the horse.
Or mourn the loss of him—
The " ewe-necked bay" (who drew the
" shay "),
So full of life and vim ?
SEQUEL TO TEE " ONE-ROUSE SHAY." 79
He was a wonderful nag, I'm told,
In spite of his old " rat-tail;"
And, though he always minded the rem,
He laughed at the snow and hail.
He had the finest stable in town,
With plenty of oats and hay;
And to the parson's oft " Hud-dup "
He never would answer neigh.
To the parson's shay he was ever true,
Though her other felloes were tired:
To five and die with his fiancee
Was all that his heart desired.
He was much attached to his ancient mate;
So the parson cc hitched them together
And, when they went on their bridle tour,
His heart was light as a feather.
80 SEQUEL TO TEE " ONE-HORSE SEAT.
We all remember her awful fate,
On that sad November day,
When nothing remained but a heap of trash,
That once was a beautiful shay.
Oh ! what could stir-up the equine breast
Like this fearful, harrowing blow,
Which put a check on his happiness,
And filled his heart with tu(Ji)oa.
As he wheeled about, a shaft of pain
Entered his faithful breast,
As he there beheld the sad remains
Of her whom he loved the best.
With a sudden bound and fearful snort,
He sped away like the wind;
And a fact most queer I'll mention here—
No traces were left behind.
WOMAN.
81
What is it makes a woman ?
A wealth of wavy hair,
A brow of Parian whiteness,
And eyes like diamonds rare ?
Is it cheeks that shame the roses,
And lips like cherries, red,
With teeth of pearly beauty,
As the poet oft hath said ?
WOMAN.
A tall and queenly creature,
With a small and taper waist,
A Juno or a Hebe,
Who would a throne have graced
My beau-ideal of woman
Is a different being far ;
And, if my views you wish to hear,
I'll tell you what they are.
A heart that's warm and tender,
A pure and holy mind;
A gentle, modest, loving one,
Who is to others kind.
The eye may lose its lustre,
The cheek its rosy glow,
The wavy hair no more be seen
O'er forehead white as snow.
WOMAN.
But the pure and gentle spirit
Will e'er be fresh and bright:
'Tis this that makes the woman.
Kind reader, am I right ?
84
ZWEI LAGER.
Der night vas dark as anyding,
Yen at mine door two Tellers ring,
Und say, yen I ask who vas dhere,
" Grit oup und git"—und den dey schvear—
" Zwei lager."
I says, " 'Tis late : schust leaf mine house,
Und don'd pe making sooch a towse ! "
Dey only lauft me in der face,
Und say, "Pring out, 'Old Schweizerkase,'
Zwei lager."
ZWEI LAGER. 85
I dold dem dot der bier vas oudt;
But dose two shaps set oup a shout,
TJnd said no matter if 'tvas late,
Dot dey moost haf " put 011 der schlate "
Zwei lager.
c< Oh ! go avay, dot is goot boys,"
Mine moder says, "und schtop der noise
But sdill dem vellers yellt avay ;
Und dis vas all dot dey yould say,—
" Zwei lager."
"Yot makes you gome?" mine taughter
said,
" Yen beoples all vas in deir ped :
Schust gome to-morrow ven you're dhry."
But dem two plackguards sdill did cry,
<• Zwei lager."
86 ZWEI LAGER.
" Vot means you by sooch dings as dese ?
I go und calls for der boleese,"
Says Schneigelfritz, who lifs next door :
Dey only yellt more as pefore,
" Zwei lager."
" You schust holdt on a leedle yhile,"
Says mine Katrina mit a schmile :
" I vix dose shaps, you pet my life,
So dey dond ask off Pfeiffer's yife
Zwei lager."
Den righdt avay she got a peese
Of goot and schtrong old Limburg cheese,
Und put it schust outside der door;
Und den ye didnt hear no more
<c Zwei lager."
A TOUGH CUSTOMER.
87
'Tis a story of a toper:
I knew him passing well,—
A shoemaker in Natick,
Which is often times called—well—
Of course you've heard the story;
So I will not stop to tell.
He was the hardest drinker
For many miles around;
Though, as a waggish chap remarked,
" Hard drinker ! I'll be bound
He drinks about as easy
As any man I've found! "
88 A TOUGH CUSTOMER.
There chanced to be a "sample-room"
Close by his little shop.
In which, "just to be neighbourly,"
He frequently would drop,
And " take a little something warm,"
From gin to gin-ger pop.
One day he went as usual;
And, finding no one in,
He spied upon the counter
What he supposed was gin,
And straightway took a " nipper "
From the bottle it was in.
Surveying, a la connoisseur,
The name the bottle bore,
He found 'twas aquafortis,
Which he had taken " raw,"—
" A brand," quoth he, " I ne'er did see,
And never drank before."
A TOUGH CUSTOMER. 89
Just then his neighbour happened in;
And tremulous with fear,
(The bottle told the story,)
He asked if he felt queer,
And if he'd have a doctor called,
As one was living near.
" Don't worry," said the shoemaker:
" I'm all right, I believe.
There's but one thing that's curious:
I really can't conceive
Why, when I wipe my mouth, it burns
A hole right through my sleeve!"
90
DOT POODLE DOG.
Mine cracious, vot a gountry,
Und vot a beoples too !
I feel so bad, already,
I don'd know vot to do.
I had yon leedle poodle dog,
So handsome vot couldt been ;
Und alvays, vhereso'er I vent,
Dot poodle dog vas seen.
DOT POODLE DOG.
91
He youst to vollow me aroundt,
In sclipite of rain und hail:
Und, oh, der comfort vot I dook
In der vag off dot dog's tail!
Yon dey I missed mine Schneider,
(Dot vas der poodle's name ;)
Und, though I vistled all aroundt,
Dot poodle didn't came.
I looked about der sausage-shops,
(Yere dey cut some vunny capers,)
Und dold dot he vas schtrayed or stoldt
In all der taily bapers.
I hunted eferyvhere aroundt,—
Oup hill, und down der dale ;
Und all der beoples lauft at me
To hear dot poodle's tale.
92
DOT POODLE DOG.
Yon morning early I vas oudt,
A valking oup der schtreet,
Yen rigMt avay I seen a sight
Yot schtopped mine heart to beat.
Mine cracions ! vot yon dink it vas
Dot villed me mit surbrise ?
'Tvas leedle Schneider vot vas losht,
Righdt dhere pefore mine eyes !
You know schust how id is myself
Yen somedings stardtyou,—aindtid ?
Yell, ven I saw dot poodle dog,
Py shings ! I almost vainted!
A darky had him on a pole,
Mit pails off vater near.
He used him vashing windows off:
Mine cracious, dot vas qveer !
DOT POODLE DOG.
93
He dipped him righdt indo der pail,
Schust like he vas a rag :
Her life vas oudt off dot poodle dog :
Her tail had losht its vag!
7
94
MISPLACED SYMPATHY.
Little Benny sat one evening,
Looking o'er his picture-book :
Suddenly his mother noticed
On his face a troubled look.
He was gazing on a picture,—
" Christians in the early days,"
When the cruel tyrant Hero
Harassed them in various ways.
MISPLACED SYMPATHY.
95
'Twas a family of Christians,
Torn by lions fierce and wild,
In the horrible arena,
Which had thus distressed the child.
Thinking it a golden moment
To impress his youthful mind
With our freedom, dearly purchased,
And by martyrs' blood refined,
His good mother told the story
Of their persecutions sore,
While he listened, all attention,
And the picture pondered o'er.
" See, my child, those hungry lions,
How upon the group they fall!
'Tis a sight, my precious darling,
That the bravest might appal."
96 MISPLACED SYMPATHY.
Then, with little lip a-quiver,
"Mamma, look! " says little Benny
" Little Lion in the corner,
Mamma, isn't gettin' any! "
VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE.
97
I don'd dink mooch off dose fine shaps
Vot lofe aboudt der schtreet,
Und nefer pays der landlady
For yot dey haf to eat;
Who gifes der tailor notings,
Und makes der laundress vait,
Und haf deir trinks off lager bier
All " put ubon der schlate."
98
VOT I LIKE UND DON'T) LIKE.
I don'd dink mooch off vimmin, too,
Who dink it vas deir " schpeer"
To keep oup vine abbearances,
Und lif in " Grundy's " fear ;
Who dress demselves mit vine array
To flirt ubon der schtreet,
Und leaf deir moders at der tub
To earn der bread dey eat.
I don'd like men dot feel so pig
Yen dey haf plenty geld,
Who vas as Lucifer so broud,
Und mit conceit vas schyelled.
Who dinks more off deir horse und dog
As off a man dot's poor,
Und lets der schtarving und der sick
Go hungry vrom der door.
VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE.
99
I don'd dink mooch off dem dot holdt
So tight ubon a tollar,
Dot, if 'tvas only shust alife,
'Tvould make it schream und holler.
Yy don'd dey keep it on der move,
Not hide avay und lock it ?
Dey gannot take it yen dey die :
Der shroud don'd haf a pocket!
I like to see a hand dot's brown,
Und not avraid off vork;
Dot gifes to dose yot air in need,
Und nefer tries to schirk :
A man dot meets you mit a schmile
Und dakes you py der hand,
Shust like dey do vhere I vas born,
In mine own vaterland,—
100 VOT I LIKE UND LON'E LIKE.
Vhere bier-saloons don'd keep a scblate ;
Yhere tailors get deir pay,
Und vashervimmin get der schtamps
For vork dey dake avay ;
Yhere frauleins schtick righdt to der
vork
So schteady as a glock,
Und not go schtrntting droo der
schtreets
Shust like a durkey-cock;
Yhere blenty und brosperity
Schmile ubon efery hand:
Dot is der Deutscher's paradise;
Das ist das Vaterland.
THE WIDOW MALONE'S PIG.
101
The Widow Malone had a beautiful pig;
No one had its equal from Cork to Kil-
larney;
And Paddy McCabe had his eye on the
same—
A roguish chap he, full of mischief and
blarney.
102 THE WIDOW MALONE'S PIG.
This beautiful pig fairly haunted his
dreams;
And he swore that, unless he was sadly
mistaken,
He would feast off his ribs upon St. Pat¬
rick's Day,
And even the widow should not " save
his bacon."
One morning the widow went out to the
pen,
Pail in hand, with the first streak of
dawn,
When, lo ! it was vacant; no piggy was
there:
The sweet little creature was gone !
THE WIDOW MALONE'S PIG. 103
Straightway to the priest for assistance
she went,
Who asked her the cause of her grief.
" Och! yonr riverince," says she, " 'tis me
pig that is gone !
And I think Pat McCabe is the thief."
Soon after Pat came to the priest to " con¬
fess,"
And told of his theft from the Widow
Malone.
" Take it back," says the priest, "without
any delay!"
" Sure I've ate it, yonr riverince ! " says
Pat with a groan.
104 THE WIDOW MALONE'S PIG.
"Ah, Pat!" says the priest, " at the great
'judgment-day,'
When you meet the widow and pig face
to face,
What excuse will you give for your terrible
sin ?
I'm thinking you'll go to a very bad
place."
" Will the widdy and pig both be there ? "
says Pat.
" To be sure," says the priest. " to
accuse you of sin."
"Will, thin," replies Paddy, "I'll say,
' Here's your pig !
By St. Patrick, I'll niver molist him
agin !'"
A TRAPPER'S STORY.
105
jC Urajtpns jliorij.
" 'Twas a moonlight night," the trapper
began,
As we lay by the bright camp fire,—
" Come, fill up your pipes, and pile on the
brands,
And gather a little nigher,—
" 'Twas a moonlight night when Bet and
I—
Bet, she's the old mare, you know—
Started for camp on our lonely route,
O'er the dreary waste of snow.
106 A TRAPPER'S STORY.
" I had been to the e clearing ' that after¬
noon
For powder and ball, and whiskey too ;
For game was plenty, furs in demand,
And plenty of hunting and trapping to
do.
" I had no fear of the danger that lurked
In the region through which my journey
lay*
Till Bet of a sudden pricked up her ears,
And sniffed the air in a curious way.
" I knew at once what the danger was
As Bet struck out at a 'forty gait:
'Twas life or death for the mare and me,
And all I could do was to trust to fate.
A TRAPPER'S STORY.
107
" Wolves on our track, ten miles from
home !
A pleasant prospect that—eh, boys ?
I could see them skulking among the trees,
And the woods re-echoed their hideous
noise.
" At last, as their numbers began to swell,
They bolder grew, and pressed us close :
So £ Old Pill-Driver ' I brought to bear,
And gave the leader a leaden dose.
" Now, you must know, if you draw the
blood
On one of the sneaking, ravenous crew,
The rest will turn on the double-quick,
And eat him up without more ado.
108
A TRAPPER'S STORY.
" This gave me a chance to load my gun,
"With just a moment to breathe and
rest;
When on they came ! a-gaining fast,
Though Bet was doing her level best.
" I began to think it was getting hot.
' Pill-Driver,' says I, 8 this will never
do:
Talk to 'em again! ' You bet she did;
And right in his tracks lay number two.
" Well, boys, to make a long story short,
I picked them off till but one was left;
But he was a whopper, you'd better be¬
lieve,—
A reg'lar mammoth in size and heft.
A TRAPPER'S STORY. 109
"Yes, he was the last of the savage pack;
For, as they had followed the nat'ral
law,
They had eaten each other as fast as they
fell,
Till all were condensed in his spacious
maw."
8
110
JOHNNY JUDKINS.
Johnny Judkins was a vendor
Of a patent liquid blacking :
Johnny Judkins he was witty,
And for " cheek " he was not lacking.
Johnny stood upon the corner,
Selling polish day by day,
And would " polish off " a party
Who had anything to say.
JOHNNY JUDKINS.
Johnny's stereotyped expression
Was, "Now, gents, at the beginnin
I would state this magic polish
Will not soil the finest linen."
Johnny then its other virtues
Rapidly would mention o'er,
And would sell his gaping hearers
From a dozen to a score.
Hans von Puffer bought a bottle,
Which upon his shirt-front white,
As he used it without caution,
Left a spot as black as night.
Back to Johnny went Yon Puffer,
Saying, " Yot vas dot you zay ?
'Tvill not soil der vinest linen ?
See mine shirt-vrond righdt avay !
112
JOHNNY JUDKINS.
" Yot vas dot ubon mine bosom ?
Yon't yon dold me, ef you blease !
Shust yon gife me pack mine money,
Or I goes yor der boleese ! "
Johnny looked upon the Deutscher
With a bland and child-like smile;
Then upon the crowd before him,
Who enjoyed the sport meanwhile.
"Gentlemen," says Johnny Judkins,
" As I said in the beginnin',
This 'ere patent liquid polish
Will not soil the finest linen.
" As for that," says Johnny Judkins,—
Pointing where the spot of crock
Showed upon Yon Puffer's bosom
Like a black sheep in a flock—
JOHNNY JUDKINS.
113
" As for that," repeated Johnny,
" If you call that linen fine,
I would merely say, my hearers,
Your opinion is not mine."
Johnny Judkins still continues
Selling blacking by the ton.
Hans von Puffer chalks that bosom
Every time he puts it on.
114
THE LOST PET.
>Ip Jrr$l
Oh, list! while I tell
Of the fate that befell
A pet that was dear unto me—
A black-and-tan pup.
Oh ! bitter the cup
Prepared by that " Heathen Chinee "
For me,
The friend of those vendors of tea.
THE LOST PET.
115
This young black-and-tan
Away from me ran,—
An act which I did not foresee;
And, though I did seek
For over a week
To find him, it was not to be.
You'll see,
'Twas the work of that sinful Chinee.
His name was Ah-Bet,
(Not the name of my pet,
But of him of Chinese pedigree;)
And he kept a small shop,
And had the best " chop "
Of tit-bits from over the sea,
That he
Obtained fyom his far-famed joatrie.
116
THE LOST PET.
He had " chow-chow," that tickles
The lover of pickles,
Though with me it did never agree;
And things filled with spice,
Which may have been mice,—■
They looked enough like them—dear me !
To see
Such food in the " land of the free."
One day I'd a friend
Who was coming to spend
The day, and take dinner with me :
So I went to Ali-Bet,
And told him to get
A rabbit " and fixin's ; " and he
Said " Oui"
In a manner quite Frenchy to see.
THE LOST PET. 117
The clock had struck one:
The dinner was done.
And served up with steaming Bohea.
" 'Tis excellent fare,
This rabbit, or hare,
Whichever it may be," said he,
(Mon ami:)
" You've a prize in that Heathen Chinee."
Just then in the dish
I noticed him fish
For something he thought he could see,
That didn't look right;
And brought to the fight
A tag with inscription, " Toby."
Ah me!
'Twas that of my lost favori!
118 TEE SOLDIER'S GRAVE.
How many of the honoured dead
How sleep beneath the Southern sod,
With nought to mark their resting-place;
Their graves unknown, except to God !
Far from their loving ones at home
They died, their country's flag to save,—
That flag the emblem of the free,
That struck the shackles from the slave.
TEE SOLDIER'S GRAVE. 119
No loving mother's gentle hand
Was there to hold the weary head;
No mourning friends assembled round
The gallant soldier's dying bed.
The suit of blue his only shroud;
His funeral dirge the cannon's roar :
There, where he fell, the soldier lay,
His battles fought, his hardships o'er.
Though flowers may not his grave adorn,
Though loving friends may not be near,
A country, which he died to save,
Will hold his memory ever dear.
THE END.
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Capt. MARRYAT.
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The King's Own.
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Father.
The Poacher.
The Phantom Ship.
Percival Keene.
Valerie.
Frank Mildmay.
Olla Podrida.
Monsieur Violet.
The Pirate and Three
Cutters.
W.H.AINS WORTH
Windsor Castle.
Tower of London.
The Miser's Daughter.
Rookwood.
Old St. Paul's.
Crichton.
Guy Fawkes.
The Spendthrift.
James the Second.
Star Chamber.
Flitch of Bacon.
Lancashire Witches.
Mervyn Clitheroe.
Ovingdean Grange.
St. James's.
Auriol.
Jack Sheppard.
J. F. COOPER.
The Pilot.
Last of the Mohicans.
The Pioneers.
The Red Rover.
The Spy.
L'onel Lincoln.
The DeersLyer.
The Pathfinder.
The Bravo.
The Waterwitch.
Two Admirals.
Satanstoe.
Afloat and Ashore.
Wyandotte.
Eve Effingham.
Miles Wallingford.
The Headsman.
The Prairie.
Homeward Bound.
The Borderers.
The Sea Lions.
Precaution.
Oak Openings.
Mark's Reef.
Ned Myers.
The Heidenmauer.
ALEX. DUMAS.
Three Musketeers.
Twenty Yeats After.
Dr. Basilius.
The Twin Captains.
Captain Paul.
Memoirs of a Phy¬
sician, 2 vols. (is.
each).
The Chevalier de
Maison Rouge.
The Queen's Necklace.
Countess de Charny.
Monte Cristo, 2 vols.
Nanon.
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2 vols. {is. each).
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Catherine.
Ingenue.
Russian Gipsy.
The Watchmaker.
GERALD GRIFFIN
Munster Festival.
The Rivals.
The Colleen Bawn.
WM. CARLETON.
Jane Sinclair.
The Clarionet.
The Tithe Proctor.
Fardarougha.
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N. HAWTHORNE.
The Scarlet Letter.
The House of the
Seven Gables.
Mosses from an Old
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By V arious Authors.
Julie de Bourg.
Lilias Davenant.
Soldier of Fortune.
Compulsory Marriage.
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Violet, the Danseuse.
Kindness in Women.
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Cinq Mars.
Zingra, the Gipsy.
The Little Wife.
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Nothing but Money.
Tom Jones
A Week with Mossoo,
by C. Ross.
Out fora Holiday with
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Log of the Water Lily
in Three Cruises.
Through the Keyhole,
byJ.M.Jephson.
Published by George Routledge and Sons.
4
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By Capt. MARRYAT.
Peter Simple.
King's Own.
Newton Forster.
Jacob Faithful.
Frank Mildmay.
Pacha of Many Tales.
Japhet in Search of a
Father.
Mr. Midshipman Easy.
The Dog Fiend.
The Phantom Ship.
Olla Podrida.
The Poacher.
Percival lOene.
Monsieur Violet.
Rattlin the Reefer.
Valerie.
By J. F. COOPER.
The Waterwitch.
The Pathfinder.
The Deerslayer.
Last of the Mohicans.
The Pilot.
The Prairie.
Eve Effingham.
The Spy.
The Red Rover.
Homeward. Bound.
Two Admirals.
Miles Wallingford.
The Pioneers.
Wyandotte.
Lionel Lincoln.
Afloat and Ashore.
The Bravo.
The Sea Lions.
The Headsman.
Precaution.
Oak Openings.
The Heidenmauer.
Mark's Reef.
Ned Myers.
Satrfnstoe.
The Borderers.
Jack Tier.
Mercedes.
SirW. SCOTT.
Guy Mannering.
The Antiquary.
Ivanhoe.
Fortunes of Nigel.
Heart of Midlothian.
Bride of Lammennoor.
Waverley.
Rob Roy.
KeniKvorth.
The Pirate.
The Monastery.
Old Mortality. ]
Peveril of the Peak.
Quentin Durward.
St. Ronan's Well.
The Abbot.
The Black Dwarf.
Woodstock.
Anne of Geierstein.
The Betrothed.
Fair Maid of Perth.
The Surgeon's Daugh¬
ter, Szc.
The Talisman.
Count Robert of Paris.
Red Gauntlet.
By Various Authors.
Arternu> Ward, his
Book.
Artemus Ward, h's
Travels.
Na^by Papers.
Major Jack Down'ng.
Biglow Papers.
Orpheus C. Kerr.
Robinson Crusoe.
Uncle Tom's Cabin.
Colleen Bawn.
Vicar of Wakefield.
Sketch Book, ' by
Irving.
Sterne's Tristram
Shandy.
Sentimental
Journey.
English Opium Eater.
The E=says of Elia.
Notre Dame.
Roderick Random.
The Autocrat of the
Breakfast Table.
TomJones, vol. I.
vol. 2.
Queechy.
Gulliver's Travels.
The Wandering Jew
(TheTransgression).
(The Chastise¬
ment).
■ (The Redemp¬
tion).
The Mysteries of Paris:
Morning.
Noon.
Night.
The Lamplighter.
The Professor at the
Breakfast Table.
Last Essays of Elia.
Hans Breitmann.
Biglow Papers, 2nd ser.
Josh Billings.
Romance ot theForest,
by Mrs. Radcliffe.
The Italian, by ditto.
Mysteries of Udolpho,
bv Mrs. Radcliffe,
vol. 1.
• vol. 2.
The Shadowless Man.
w
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6
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