IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I 1.25 '' m • ilM Ji|6 IIIM 22 40 2.0 1.8 U IIIIII.6 Vi (^ /}. vl e. .^-.M-., tT^\ PIPANDOR, ■\j ■"■■■■ ., aois/LX(D OF:EiTij^ IN > THREE ACTS? WRITTEN JJY ;^,." F. A. DIXON. ^-0^ COMPOSED BY S. F. HARRISON. * J':-' (OTTAWA: I'RINIED BY THE CITIZEN PRrNTINC AND HUBLISHINC CoMVANY. 1884 '>- 5:1 ■'^'^^Pf^ 'V^?If ' Hv /^v ■,. ^ A: I ik \f- ^^ ..' f% f- 'I' 'iV I PIPANDOR, conycic of:e\tij^ IN THREE ACTS. WRITTEN BY F. A. DIXON. COMPOSED BY S. F. HARRISON. I I M ■ ■♦- OTTAWA: Printed hy the Citizen Printing and Publishing Company. 1884 i X;^\ -y^. Biia^ ^L ■■s<*»»*nwfw«»i' PIPANDOR IN THREE ACTS. Time of the Regency in France, 1118 ; Scene laid partly in Brittany and partly in Paris. Act I. — Gardens of Chateaugris, Brittany. Act II. — Rooms over Shop of Pipandor & Co , Paris. Act III, — Salon of the Hotel de la Regence, overlooking the Gardens of the Palais Royale, Paris. CHARACTERS. The Marquis of Chateaugris. Pipandor, a .servitor vvitli a soul above buttons. EscARGOT, Secret Agent of Pliiivn of Spain. Maurice. BOS'UN GiGOT. The IIkgent, dug d'Ori.eaxs. Helkne, Daughler of Chateaugris. Babette, a Village Maid with a destiny. Mad. Gi ot dk Couloone. ACT I. En haut, ex bas — Buittany. ScKNK. — Garcfem of CuATEAVOHifi. The C/udeuu ej;len(Unij l. Door and porch ivUh balco)iy, practicable, W'oulow over balcony, practicable, L. 2. See-saw at back ii. c. 2\ible and rustic seats L. Wine, (/lasses, cake and fruit on table. Box tnith heraldic papers at foot of table. Rustic seat ii. Flowtrs in (jarden bed it. 2 K., roses, lilies, etc. Helenk and Bahette discovered on see-saw. Ciiateal'OUIS and Madame Gigot asleep on seats h. Liijhts up. IIelene and Babettk sbuj aa cnrtain rises. ■vV^ Swing and Sway. Helene. Swing end sway; awing and away; See-saw; see-aaw; all the day. Blue above and green below; Up we conie and down we go. Green below and blue above; Down to earth and up to love. Helene and Babette. Sway and swing; sway and swing; Birds are merry on the wing. Bud and blossom, sleet and snov/, Up we come and down wo go. Summer sun and autumn rain, Down, and up we come again. PiPANDOR enters H. u. E. loith a bouquet lohich he gives to Helene. Pip. From a gentleinan, Mam'selle, a birthday bouquet. Hklene. a gentleman? Prp. Oh, yes, a real gentleman, a sailor; he gave me a gold Louis. Helene. Who was he] Pip. 1 don't know, Mam'selle, but he gave me a gold Louis. He asked me if I knew Mademoiselle Helene de Chateaugris, and then he gave nie the bouquet and gold Louis. [Pi]) stands on see-saw.) Helene, Babette and Pipandor. Swing and sway, swing and sway Leave the bye gone, take to- day. • Roses blow and kisses go; Take them while the dainties grow. Y^oung to-day, to-morrow old, Eose and kiss may tears enfold. oor and Ulcable, Wine, at foot i, lilies, AL'UUIS «E and ;ne. jouia. He en he 5 At the close (if 00)1(1, a Jiillililouy filln fnnii tin' hoitijurt on to the qronnd, WvA.V.SV. rincn (iiiit ])i('kf> it nj) /niMtili/. Pll'AM»'.)li liaidiliH from nrn- S(Hi\ MELVSh: (jlaiiccH at note, and then ijoen of)' hurried I if into houne, L. WAUiyvTK Jollowa. Vw.Jul'owt, her, she boxen his ears. Viv. What ii si'X ! Tlicy liavc no coiiMidtMatiun, and too much musclo. (Sees trine, etc.) Wliat's this ] C'tke aiiil wine? (Makes (/rotes(/ue how fa Chateainjiis and Maiunn tlii/ot. l/e/ps himself to witm and cal.e.) Ily your leave. {Seats himself on siat, U, eatintf.) The Manjuis ot Chati augiis — fast a.Hltc|> ; I\laihuii (iiyut do ('()uh)ni;(>- — fast asleep; Pip — wide awake. (Drinks.) Now, wliat is Madanje s u/) jxicket in parchment aiid j)uts it i)ito his pocket.) Bother these wasps ! they are after the ])!ums. Ah I I know — (Takes her handkerchief, catches wasp in it, and puts it back in her hand, then retires hack. JMadamk (jIigot saddenlt/ starts iip icith a, scream. Chatkauuius v;((kes. Pii' ,joes ol)'. L. u. k. Chat. Hallo! Mad. G. a was]i has stung me. Look ! (Ciiateaugris takes her hand.) Oh ! I shall taint ; 1 know I shall. Chat. Poor little hand. (Jiusiness; he amorous, but cautious; she try- ing to lead him on; he lifts the hand towards his lips, then snddenlii lets it fall; rises and comes front, aside). Take care Ciiateaugris; take care; no kisse.s; you've gone too far already. (Aloud.) A little sweet oil, Madame Gioot. I will go and fetch it myself. (Aside.) I)e\iced fine woman, C'hateangi-is, but no kisses. Clever old hirds, widows. (Goes into hons L.) INIad. G. (Coming front.) There's an opportunity lost! A little sweet oil, indeed ! Never mind! IVIy time will come, and the widow Gigot, governess and police agent, shall change her ])Osition for the coronet of a' Marquise — the Marguise de Chateaugris — and then the Kegent may find out his plots for himself. But the bird is shy, very shy ! (Sings.) Why Wont He See] Mad. Gig. I often sigh when no one's hy But he. I drop my kerchief, but he lets it lie ■ ' Ah me, Why wont he see 1 A. T >»iit liin favourite tlowciH in my liuir ; ll'iH fuvourito I'oloiiicil rilihuiis too I wear. Why wont lie see ? Jt' I were lie, And he were nie, Why / could 8(u) So why ciin't he ] If in the ntreet wo soinetiines meet, » Why he Just passes on will, foot so fleet; Ah me, Why wont he see How ^lad I'd he to let him take my hand 1 But no, he never seems to understand. Why wont he see ] If I were he, And he vvero me, Why / could see So why can't he 1 [Goes into house L. {N'oiae and ch)riis hiard o(f L u. k. ViWijei's eater with EscAuaoxas a peddler. C'ru's of " I'ell our fortunes.' " " 'fell our fortunes/ ") EscARGOT. {Deliberateli/ takinq off his peddler's box.) Not so fast my i)retty maids ! All in good tir.ie. Now ! {A iirotty lasses; ( they j ( us J ^ *' ' Here's the - ' .", " [ and the sea, the •w]ute-cani)ed [ sailors I ' ^ ^ sea ! (Chateaugkis and Madame Gigot entei' irom house, l. Escargot meds them lo'ith rxtravafjant buics. IIelunk (joes to Ciiateau- GRIS with gestures of explanation.) Chat, {to Escar.) Perhai)s you would kindly inform us — who thfr dickens you are ? EscAU. Why, cert'nly. (SiiKjs.) A EsCAR. A CiiEQUERKD Life. First my name is Escargot, and I was born at Picardie; I was brought up by a virgin aunt who was only forty-three; And so stitF she was, and stately, that I ran away to sea. But the sea it smelt so badly of roj»e's end, hard tack, and tar. With the captain, and the mates, and crew 1 foiuid my feelings jar; So I gtntly slip[)ed my cable, sir, before the shij) sailed fai*. (CiioR.) So he gently, etc. Then 1 wandered through strange countries and the natives there can. tell. How I learned to know the difference 'twixt the oyster au.t the shell; And one ueed'nt be a lawyer, sir, to taste the oyster well. I've been waiter in a cafe, anil sold sweetmeats in Stamboul; And I've played the penny whistle too before the King of Zool; And I figured as " Professoi " in a first-das'; ladies' school. (CiiOR.) And he's figured, etc. I've sold poison for cockroaches, and I've hawked the Daily News; I've been barber to a " Personage," and showed peo[)le to their pews; And I've cooked the South Sea Islanders some most astounding stews. ' I Then I've peddled dispensations through the length and breadth of France; And I've taught the bears of Russia all the latest stejjs to dance; And I've turned an honest penny out of every game of chance. (Chor.) Then he's turned, etc. i**;- tew.v«« yKn/mrifft*' ■ 9 Then the conn)anie.s I'vo started in sill thesa lucky lands! But I always kt'i)t the nianaifeinent in comprehensive hands; And the money thut they should have ma le a schoolboy undeistanils. Then I served once as a doctor's Ijoy: I can cast a horoscope, I can give an entertainment of an hour that I hope Would call no blush u[>on the cheek of maiden or of Pope. (CllOK.) Would call no blush, etc. Here, I've got a cure for t(>othaohe t'.iat will drive the dentists mad; Here's a plaster that can diaw a oai-t from here to Hyd'raliadj And this box of })ills will cure all ills that, ever mortal had. Here's a philtre for a lover that will hoM him like a vice; This will smooth out all your wrinkles and give beauty in a trice; This pretty stulF is very rough on beetles, rats and mice. (CuoH.) That lu-etty stuff, etc. I can tell the fortune plainly, now, of every pretty lass; And I'm just the only wizard with the famous " magic glass." So take this opportunity, and jtray don't let it i)nss. In short, I'm sure I've tackh'd all that any mortal can; And I never tuml)led down too low beneath the social b;\n; For J never yet became a mayor, nor yet an alderman. (CuoK.) He never yet, etc. Chat. A very pretty list, upon my word. But you don't seem to have made much of a fortune, after all. ( Kh( • \\u ior jtKfs hox ou (/roinul,'R.) EscAU. Fortune ! In a few ohiys 1 .shall be po.sitivrly rolling in gold. Smelling of money. (.1// lautjh hicrednloutilij.) EscAU. Listen, and I will tell you how: (lieciidtive.) Do any of you wish to make a mammoth and colossal fortune in the twinkle of % Jew's eye, or at least in that ordinary and insignificant section of a day called a luinutel All. (interested.) Ah! EscAR. Because, if you do, I am acquainted with a sweet and child- like process which I assure you, on the honour of a financier, though one at present out at elbows, contains a positively ridicvdous number of millions in it. All. (Gutherbuj about h'uu.) Ah, sir, we do, indeed we do. EscAR. W^ell, then, you have heard, or, perhap.s, considering the awful onc-horseness of this otherwise ch.u'niing locality, you have not heard, of a certain John Law, a famous man who has come direct from Scotland, or the skies^ to lay befoie the Uegent, now at his wits and for vile dross, and who, to put it jdainly, has jumped at the idea, his little plan. All. (Shnkuuj their heads.) No, sir, we know him not. EscAR. No matter ; the aforesaid John Law proposes to make money as cheap as dirt, if not chdj)ei', so that everybody from Uan to Beer- sheba, so to s])eak, may be rich as Croesu.s, or a trifle richer, in a cajier. 10 All. (Excited.) Rich ! in a ciiper! EscAR. With a bank, a little printer's ink, and a big stamp, he is going to fill the pockets of all France, and let folks pay their way — All. {Hafjerly.) How? EscAR. With ))apor. All. (Disappointed.) Oh ! EscAR. Yes. Finance in a nutshell. Chat. (Dubiousfi/.) Paj)er ] Alorninff paper 1 Pii". (Excited/i/, coming forward.) I khow. {Calls out in news- paper boy fashion.) Morning pepper ! ^lorning pepper ! " Times," "Telegraph," "Standard," "Daily News." {Varied according to locality.) Chat. Someone put a cork in that boy. (Pip. is pulled hack.) No. Paper suggests something to me. {Mi'ditativehj) What] HiCLENE. I know ! Parcels 1 Delightful ! Chat, Pooh ! Pip. {Coming forward.) Paper collars. Chat. Bah ! Mad. Gig. Bills ? Chat. Pooh ! ])Ooh ! Ha ! I know ! My last note at three months, gone to protest. {Sinks head on slioulder.) EscAR. {Slapping him o)i the back.) Never mind, cheer u}), old boy ! Come to Paris and make youi' fortune. All. Come to Paris ! Make our fortune I Delightful ! Chat. I'd have you know, sir, that though the House may be poor, it is ancient, very ancient. EscAR. {Looking at Chateau, aside.) Aint shunted yet, eh ] {Taking up family tree, pompously.) This, sir, is our Chat. pedigree.. EscAR. Chat. EscAR. Chat. ancestry. EscAR. {Bows. Chat. Chat. umbrageous. Your What ? Family tree. Curious vegetable, isn't it 1 Grow it yourself] Grow it myself] Why it rejjresents a long line of noble What do you think of it ] , It is most encouraging — and extremely Chat, aitto.) I will tell you how the old House rose. The Old House. This is the way the old House rose, sir. Our noble House of Chateaugris, These are the roots from which has grown, sir, That splendid trunk of our family tree. These are the branches stouf and strong. So j)roud and spreading ; These are the arms that all belong, By right of wedding. Escar. \ Mad. Gig. ( Pip. ( Bab. ) Interesting very, if we oily knew. Tell the grand old story, how the old House grew, Oh, Chateaugris, with ancestors so many. Oh Chateaugris. How noble you must be, \ ■ I 11 .(Chorus.) 01», Ch.iteaugris, etc. Some more ! some move ! some more I Ohat. I ESCAR. Mad. Gig Pip. ( Bab. } Chat. EsCAR. Mad. Gig. Pip. Bab. •Chat. This was the founder of our line, sir, He, in tlie time of Charlemagne Slew a mo.s(jiiito that to dine, sir, On tlie i)roboscis royal was fain. Then did the king in gratitude Give him, so daring, Six of those insects sharp and rude The riglit of bearing. Six mo.squitos rampant on a field of gold! Lucky Chateaugris with ancestor so bold. Uh, Chateaugris, with such a noble story, Oh Chateaugris How noble you must be I (Chorus.) Ah Chateaugris, etc. This to be grand chief butler rose, sir, Bearing the bottles here you see. That, with the honour to hand the king's hose, .sir, Quartered the royal fleur-de-lis. This was a noble, most discreet Of back -stair pages. On his escutcheon, wag-tails meet In place of wages. Twenty silver bottles, Idue the fielcF, we see — Four and twenty wag-tails and a fleur-de-lis. Oh Chateaugris with ancestois so noble, Ah Chateaugris How noble you must be ! (Chorus.) Ah Chateaugris, how noble you must be! No more ! no more ! no more ! This was a Lord Chat. (Chor.) That is as much as we can swallow; Give us a rest of a month or so. This was a Chat. (Chor.) On to year branches we can't follow; We've learned as much as we ought to know. This was- (Chor.) Oh, Chateaugris, With such a family tree, Ah, Chateaugris, How noble you must be ! Chat. This (Chor.) No more ! no more ! no more ! 12 m J I Chorus. Goes off, h. v. e. CiiATKAL'tmis atit/ri/i/ rolls up pedigree, and goes off into the house with, Escar(Jot and Madame CiKiOT. EscAKOOT makimj extravti'jftitt (/est arcs of raxpect to his face, hut expressing ludicrons deprdcitttion hnJiiud his back as tlieg enter. Helen E comes down ait I takes out letter. Helene. Dear Miiurico! {Reads.) " ILivc yo\i foi-j^ottan tJie gariU-n wall at your Paris school, and the water butt."' Ho usetl to oUiiilj the vv;;ll, and we sat on the water butt. Dear Miiuri'-". (/,'eads.) " Accident l)as brought me here to your house, buu poor and frieniUess, dire T lio[)e to recall your love, once given mo ? Still L am f n- ever and a day, "Thine own. Maurice." Maurice. And I thought ho had forgotten me ! a schoolgirl ; with pink cheeks and fuzzy hair ; sent to Paris to learn manners. He used to bribe the baker to bring mo ruses and bonbons. Dear Maurice. {Pensively reads.) '• For ever and a day, " Thine own. Maurice." [She scats herselj on seesaw reading letter. Maurice. {Behind, u. Hklexe comes down.) ■ Ah, sweet, the day has fled ; The sun-n>aid droops her head ; In golden glory dies The Hash of fa'ir day's eyes, Come, for here at thy gate, For th(!e 1 wait. Come, for light will arise With my love's eyes. [Maurice enters, r. She turns from him, L. Helene. Helene. Maurice. Ah, friend, too sweet thy scng ; The summ<'r day is long ; The daisy fair is wise To shut her gulden eyes. Maids who go to the gate. To wed, may wait ; Love light, lit with the eyes. They say, soon dies. . Ensemble. So sweet his gentle song Who patient waits so long;, I have not heart to say. My longing lover nniv. Ah, sweet, say shall my song All lonely, wait so long? Hast thou the heart to say Thy longing lover may I 13 IIelene. I yield to inaiclen's futo, And give my life (o wait, One minute at the gate. She has ) , , I have / ""^ ^"'""^ ^"^ ^''y' My** } ^""Si'iJ? Jover nay. [jyiei/ (JO offtoyelher, R. u. E. (PiPANDOB enters from the house, l, looking hack as he enters and luwjhing) Pip. There they ai-e, the Marquis and the peddler fellow, talkin<^ away in the library as if they had known each other for years, and Madam Gigot, at her old tricks, listening at the keyhole. I gave her such a fright. I dropped our Tom cat on to her back. {Laughs,) Well she boxed my ears because she caught me kissing a girl. I couldn't help It. I'm sure I wusu't kissing her. Oh, Pip, Pip, you're a sad dog, you are. What is thk Reason 1 PiPANDOR. What is the reason I can't say ; Really the girls wonc keep away. First it's Babette, Then it's Jeanette, Then it's Fifine, and Colinette ; Tra la la la la la la la, Tra la la la la la la la. All of these misses Want kisses and blisses, Kisses and blisses for all the four. Love an abyss is. But luckily this is Just the thing for Pi[)andor. Pij)andor, you're a pretty fellow; Pipandor, 'pon my word you are. What is the reason T can't say ; Each of them cries she wants to stay. " Marry Babette ! " •■* Marry Jeanette ! " . *' Marry Fitine and Colinette ! " No no no no no no no no ! No no no no no no no no ! To marry a miss is To pay for one's kisses. Kisses and blisses and something more. To give for their kisses One's liberty ! This is Not the thing for Pipandor. Pipandor, etc. . . [Goes towards the box, r, left hj Escargot. :f A.- roHi i i 1 ■ ■f . ^1 1 i i 1 i 1 I 1 V. ■ li I! 1 ! I Pip. Alia ! The peddler's box ! How my fingei-s do itch to over- haul it. I mvist. I really must. There's no one looking. Here goes. {Seat himself on ground by box, so that the rustic seat Is between him and the house. Ribbons, and frills, and laces, and — pshaw — women's jim- cracks. {Takes out bottle, opens it and tastes.) Medicine ! bah ! {Touches sjyriiKj, secret drawer Jlies open.) Hullo ! Here's something 1 {Takes out jyupers.) Paper again ! with a big red seal too. I never could resist paper. Wiiat's this 1 another family tree, perhaps. {Un- Jolds pajier. (Madame Gigot enters from house, looking back as she enters.) Mad. Gig. There is something mysterious going on. The Marquis and the peddler are whis])ering together as if they had a state secret to hatch. Unfortunately the keyholes in this house are all too small. When I am Marquise there'll be no secrets from me. When I am Marquise. Tut ! T will be Marquise ; and when a woman says I will, why, she will. {Sees Pip.) There's that scamp Pip again. He shall be dismissed the first moment when I am Marquise. {Goes behind him quietly.) Pip. {Puzzled.) Hang me if I can make it out. Well it may be useful some day. I'll ])utit in a Sife place. {Is going to put paper in his pocket. Madamk Gigot snatc/ies it away, taki)ig hold of his ear with her other hand.) Be off, sirrah! Pip. My ear again ! {At back going into house.) I wish I were a man. I'd {Makes threatening gestures behind her back.) I know ; I'll go and i)ut a mouse in her be 1. Mad. Gig. {Heading.) " To the Duchess of Maine." A pretty peddler, indeed. So ho ! a rising in Brittany. " Philip of Spain will send a fleet to assist." Ah I here's luck. Here's the plot at last ! {Goes towards bo.v.) Perhaps there's more here. {Looks off, R.) Some- body coming! {Goes off hastily, L. Helene enters, R. u. E.) Helen'e, Oh, how ha])py Maurice has made me. He has told me he loves me ten times as much as ever. Poor fellow, he says he is only the mate of a ship from Seville with a cargo of oranges for marmalade. Marmalade ! how sweet ! He says it might have been coals. But what does that matter? I love him, and wliat does love care for cargoes! {Sings.) It is Love. Helene. Birds fly high in the rosy sky, And the sunflower turns to the sun; And I sleej) no more in the ilream-time of yore. For the waking of life has begun. All why ] Ah why ? It is love I it is love ! it is love ! Now I know why the blossom is growing, Why the vine's twining tendrils upcurl, Why the humming bird's breast is a-glowing. With emerald, ruby and pearl. -'. , Why the sweet maiden rose in all blushes,. And the lily bends shyly her head ; 16 What the song of the hii-k and the thrush is, To ^s overspiead. Ah wliy 1 Ah why 1 It is love ! it is love ! it ia love ! [Ijeiuls over flowers.) Ah rose di'l your own lover kiss you 1 We are sisters then, sweet, you anil I. Ah lily, so white, coukl love miss you ] My lily, no wonder you're shy. A secret, I whisper, my lily, A secret, I tell you my rose, I blushed at his silly, kiss; was it 1 And now all my secret he knows. Ah why { A'.i why ? It is love ! it is love ! it is love I It was but a kiss from my lover, But a kiss, and I woke from a sleep ; And the life that a veil seenied to cover, A new life, was mine at a leap. Could I refuse ! ah, I dare not. This love all so strange and so strong. Whither it leads me 1 care not. Drifting and drifting along. Ah why 1 a\\ why? It is love ! it is love ! it is love ! [Goes oj^, L. u. E. (Chateaugris and Escargot enter from house talking earneslly. They seat themselves on garden seat, L.) Chat. Upon my word I didn't recognize you in that disguise. Last time you came you were a EscAK. Begging friar. {Imitates ivhi?ie of inendicant ) Charity, good sir, charity, for our poor brethren. {Laughs.) CiiAT. And the time before you were a EscAR. An old sailor with one arm. (//t nautical manner.) Fell off the gibl)Oom s[)rits'l yard, you know, plump to the deck, broke ray arm and five ribs ; was picked up for dead, I was. Chat. I should very much like to know who you really are? EscAR. (Taking off his hat.) A humble servant of His IMajesty the King of Spain and yours, couieovia- with a cargo of oranges {menninglg) from Seville, to get the King his rights in France. Come, wo may count on you, may wo not? Reuieuiber, if Philip of Spain becomes Regent of France, you will change your Marquis's coronet for the title of Duke. (^ITAT. {Aside.) What an addition to our family tree. {Aloud.) I say. You're quite sure we shnll succeed, eh ? EscAH. Succeed ! Why its the best speculation I was ever in ; wa can't fail if yen are su-e of your people, Duke. IG Chat. Duke ! That (l(3ci(]eH mo. (Oives Kscaroot hit hand.) My people, sir ! The Lord of Cliatojiugri'. is master here. I will sliow you. \(iioea iij) staye (Did hcckona o[f\ l. J'e'itxinttt and .fdl/orn enter, also Helenb, Mauamu GuiOT, Pii'ANDOR and Babktte.) Friends, y u a'-e aware that this is my dau^^hters' birth(hiy. I have a plcnisaut little sur- l)riHO for her iu honour of the oocasion. In short, i have promised her hand la marriage. AXL. Man-iage 1 Chat. Yes ; to my neighbour— the most wealthy and most noble the iJaron Chateaunois. All. The Baron Chateaunois ! Chorus. V I Why, Hk's Old. Semi-Chorus {ijoung (jirls.) Why he's old and very ugly; Tlie idea is quite aljsurd That a ])retty niaid should marry Such an antiquated bird. Semi-Chorus {old loomen.) Though he's old and very uglv, Why we've very often heard That to be an old man's darling Is not at all absurd. •s-S' (fo Helens.) Helene. Be wise, child, be wise, child. And marry while you may. For youth and love will vanish, But the gold will always stay. . I know him not, I love him not, Tluit Baron rich and old, I do not want to marry jasb A horrid bag of gold. {To Chateaugris. Chat. {To Helene. I pi-ay yju, sir, relent, I am so young. Why should my life be spent. In discontent 1 I am so young. This week the Baron comes to woe, The next he comes to wed: And daughters have no word to say, But just be mar-ri-ed. Oh no, I'll not relent. Although you're young. Your life need not be spent In discontent. If you are young. -Mad. Gio. {Aside.) ESCAR, Chorus. It's very clear the girl cannot Too quickly married be, If I'm • J be the huly of The ijord of Chateaugrls. I hope he wont relent, Becanse she's young. Her life nee«l not be spent In discontent: If she is yoiing. 'Tis very clear there's trouble here: A row there'll be, I know. Between the miss and lier pa{)a About the rich old beau. I hope he will relent, She is so young. Her life should not be .spent In discontent: She is so young. Why he's old, etc. '^(Chorus. Go of r. u. e. Ciiateauqris and Madam Gigot into the house. Chateaugris in a passion. Helene up staye, crying. Stage slightly darker. Sunset effect. Escaroot, Pipandor and Babette, 0.) EscAR. The old gentleman seems to have a temper. Bab. Oh, he has. Pip. Got it frou) his ancestors. Cross old dog ! EscAR, Oh, I see, (//stemper. I say, do you know what I v/ould do if I were you 1 Pip. What would you do 1 DscAR. I should tell her young man. [Goes off R. taking box with him. Helene comes dorvn. Pipandor. Perhaps, mam'selle (slyly), if that young gentleman who sent you the bouquet knew — Helene. Yes, yes, Pip, find him directly. Tell him to do some- thirg ; anything. Tell him I'll — I'll run away, first. ITP. I know. I'll find him {importantly.) There'll be an elope- mejit. What fun! \Goes of running R. u. E. Helene. Now Babecte, quick, into the house and help me to get ready. Babette. But perhajis the gentleman wont. Helene. {Scornfully.) Perhaps the gentleman will. Why he used 4o get over the gai-den wall every night when I was at school. [They go into house L. — the Bo'sun, GloOT, entzrs R. •18 OinoT. Oil, tli<'s(i l.iiiil 1iiIi1»('vh! Not a ilrop of rum in tlio whole villiif^o. Wt'll, this is tho |>iii(;i' wht;r« I was to uitint Muster iMiUirice; ti prrtty sort of an iim too. (.SVc« iriw; on tahla.) Now, I calls that coiisiilcrato of iMast(!r iMaiirico. {//i'fj)s /liinsi'ff to wine.) Ho knows a sailor's ways. (Jood stud', too; hut thom's nothing like rum for a H(ja- faring man {Drinks.) >] A Sailou r.Ai). Gkjot. a sturdy snilor lail was T When iirst I waiidcrcil off to sea; But littlo learning did I try, And littl(» learning then tried mo. My eom|)Mss, lii'lm and ship 1 ku(,'W, I'd tie a kwoi and rig a spar; I learnt to love tho ocean hlue; An11, there's u jirctty little schooner hero that I want to coniiiiiiiiil; oli, ii r<';j;iiliir Itciiiitvl Anil the coninioilore wants to givo Ikm- to an old ilia|> not tit to run a collier. What wonhl yon do if yon were inef iiui. Why cnt her out. Olap on all .sail, and show 'em a clean stnrn. Maurick. Jnst what \ projiose to do. Oio. I sny, thonf:;h, Master Maniice, if yon're going to .snmL;i;l«! a cargo of kisses al)oard, .si-e that they is kisses lirst. Mauuu;i:. Kisses, why ofconr.se. We'll he married at the first |»ort we touch. fiio. Well, I took in a cargo of that kind once, and when [ got 'oiu down in the hold, lilest if they was'nt all salts and senna and hrini- stone. Mauiuck. Your nmrried life wasn't successful, eh ho'suu ? (Jk!. Not exactly. Mrs. (k and me we didn't agree. I haven't set eyes on her for twenty years. She thinks [ went down in tho " Nannette" and I didn't cai'o to undeceive her. Mauiuck. {hiiKjh'niij.) Well, well, n>y carito will be the hmvI thing, I promise yon. J>ut come with nie and we will settle what to do. yi'ld'H 'JO o//' K. [Stage dark. }forni efwt. Chorus of j)on(l beaters enter, R. u. c.) Dansk dk Sahots. CllOR. Brw.ick! IJrwack! I'lwack! This, night Ijy night, 's our cheerful duty; Thrashing his Lordshijt's ponds and streams; So that his Lordship's frogs loud ci'(/aking • May not disturb his Ijoniship's dreams. {Thfi/ (hincn soleinuli/.) Brwack! Brwackl Brwack! Sons of the .soil, in nuid we wallow; VVhacking his frogs to stop their song. Oh, how we love our cheerful duty, Choking their croaking all night long. [They go of l, u. k. (PiPANDOR entei's from house.) Pip. That's all nicely arranged. Mam'selle is quite ready. Now to wait for the signal, ('onfound it! Hei-e's the INfanpiis! {retires back. Chauteaugris goes to table and takes up the deed box. Chat. I had nearly foi-gotten the ho.K: luckily there are no thieves about here. {Comes front.) Duke! Duke of what J Never mind; there's plenty of time to think of the like— when it comes. What a rise for the old Hou.se] VVhy, I shall be cousin to the King. Our well-beloved cousin. Place for the Duke of — oh, bother! I must get my new title. Let me sef»: Duke of — (Pipandor stieezes.) Hullo! who's there? {Goes up and discovers Pipandor, briiK/s him down by the 20 ear.) Pipaiulor, you ruscul, what »iro you doin^ horol (PlPANDOR allows iitjiia of heailntion and fear. Mauuick is heard off R. U. E. sinijinij softly the air "Ah, sweet the over baleonif.) Ah! my (hiughter'n room! A Higmil! 1 SCO it nil! Como with luo you young niHcal, {(Joes rapidhj into house, drayijiny Pii'ANDOK with him. JMaurick and Gkjot enter R. u. K. with a ladder, which they place atjainst bulconi/. C'HA- TEAUURIS ojtpears on tialcoui/ covered with a woman's cloak, lie prepares to descend. The moon shines out from a cloud. Maurick and CiluoT see v)ho it is. MAUurcK. Th») Manjuis! (The alarm hell sounds, they seize the ladder and run of, R., Itaviiij (JuateaL'ORIS suspended on a hook. Enter inllayers, R. u. K. Escaruot, r., aiul Madamk (jIi(jot_/>'o»i house. C'horl'8. What's tho nrnttcr 1 What's the matter 1 Wliat's th« meaning of this chitter 1 Through tho vilhige people bawling ! From our beds tho tocsin calling ! Is it fire? is it nuailerl is it thieves 1 Thieves I thieves 1 thieves I thieves ! Chat. Hi there, you rascals ! Ilelj) mo down ! Chorus. The Maiquis ! What surprise ! Suspended from the skies, In such a strange disguise ! Can we believe our eyes 1 Ho ! ho ! lio ! ho ! \yainly trying to suppress laughter, they help him down. Chat. {Embarrassed.) The situation, Some explanation, Appears to need. Chorus. Chat. It does indeed. My lofty station, In the nation — I proceed. Chorus. You do indeed. Chat. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. — No ! (Stops.) Escar. He's stuck ! Mad. Gig. (Aside.) Elopement interrupted! Just my luck! Escar. (Aside.) I see it all. Chat. This is a question. Escar. (Coming /rout.) Of too much cucumber and indigestion. Chat. Oh, not at all. The fact is, friend, that Escar. (Aside.) Dolt I (Aloud.) The Marquis had a nightmare and a bolt. (Whispers to Cuateau- gris.) - III. 21 Chat. {Takiny the hint.) Quite so; the roHt ('X)»laiii8 itsflf. My friends, f»()t)(l iii^Iif, A tlioiiHiiiul thiiiiks, I trust vour IxmIs will Rtill l)o wtiitn. CiiOFt. A (Imp o' think, we tliink, wduM lio jjood form. ^"A"''- («(K)(l ni^'lir, j^ood night. Chok. To serve your liordship is our chief ik.) Final CHOhUS. Drink, hoys, drink to tlio sea, the nea. {Add Jin. Quick curt tin an they are (joiny off, k. u. e.) END OK A'JT I. •)0 ACT II. EN BAS. EN IIAUT. PARIS. Scene. — Interior of apartments in Paris. Folding doora c. Over doors in large yilt letters " iSignor 'Scartjoti Astro/or/er." Chamber at back coiitalning a large mirror frame, -practicable, coverei. with curtains. Doors closed tvhen scene opens. Pedestal to right oj doors. Window L. c. /h llat, backed by street. Door in flat R., backed by chamber. Doors at sides R. L. E., aid L. L. E. Notice on stand by door R. L. e. " Signor Pipandore and Company, modistes. To the Ladies S/iow Hooins." Small Screens r, and L. Mirror on wall at L. TablQ and two chairs R. Pipandok and Babktte discovered in chairs with their backs to each other, as cur- tain rises. Lights up. % Bab. So tliei-e now, Pip., you see 1 will havo my own way, and you'd better let nie have it quietly. Pip, How! J^vow! Row! And they call this 1)liss. Bliss! Bab. Nonsense. Why we've been man' i three months. You'd never have been married at all but for me. Think of that. Pip. Well, I suppose we'd better niiike it u[) as usual. Bab. Make it u^). Wliy of cour.se. Arn't you "artist in ladies' costumes ] " It's your business to " make up." Pip. We've done it every day since we've been married. The thing becomes monotonous. Bab. Now Pii>., be good, and I'll give you a kiss. (Kisses him.) Tliere. {lie tries to hold her.) Oh, enough is as good as a feast. Pip. I never had a feast, so I can't say. Duett. A Matrimonial Tiff. \\l PiPANDOR AND Babett;:. When a matrimonial till Mars the matrimonial bliss Why it only wants a kiss Like this, and this, and this. (Kissing.) Pip. If you haven't called her ugly, Or alluded to her " ma," Bab. If you haven't said too plainly, What you thought about his " pa." Pip. If yo.i haven't rashly stated. That her i'(;ason may be rated, With the giggle, addle-pated. Of a goose. In / 23 Bab. Both. Both. Pip. Bab. Pip. Bab. Both. Both. If you haven't dniwu attention, To liis powers of invention, And insisted upon mention, Of their use. Why thft n)atiiinoni;i] bliss Will return with just a kiss, Like this, and this, and tliis. [/>Hsiness, budcative oj domestic felicitij. But If you've cast a rash reflection On her manners, oi- her waist. If you've said he's not perfection In his spelling or his taste. If you stu])idly have hinted That her aunt's n;reat uncle squinted, Or the family wit is stinted, Have a care. If, with tongue so bold and darincr, y on have said you're sick of swearing, And liis manners stop your caring For a bear, Why, the matrimonial bliss Will just culminate in this, And this, and this, and this. [Business. Up and down stage, suggestive of comr Mai discord. But o}ir love is so requited; And our hearts are so united; With each other so delighted J^o we grow. That each matrimonial trouble, Instead of growing double. Comes to nothing, like the bubble Children blow. Bab. There, now, as we've had our usual morning's recreation, let «s get to work. After all, Pip, w^'re a very lucky couple. Pip. {Ilesitatinghj.) Yes; my dear. Bab. Thanks to Monsieur Escargot who brought us all to Paris and set lis up in business. . What a man he is ! It was he who made us marry. Pip. {Sloivly.) So it was, dear. Bab. Then, when her papa put mademoiselle in the convent because she would not marry that nasty old Baron, wasn't it Monsieur Escar<^ot who got her out so cleverly. "^ .., 24 Pip. (Laughs) Yen; the Marquis thinks she's at the convent; the nuns think she's back at home; and all the time she's safely hiding here. Bab. Poor thing! she's safe enough, but she's crying her jjretty eyes out after Monsieur Maurice. Pip. Yes; his ship sailed that night they tried to run away. (Aside.) Oil, if I hadn't sneezed ! Bab. And we have never .set eyes on him since. But Pip, I say, do you know there's something very mysterious about Monsieur Escar- got. There's a secret! he does more than tell fortunes I'm sure. Queer peoj^le come at night; and then he disappears far days together. Never mind, we've got the busines.s. Pip. (liriyhtenln'j up.) Yes; and a snug little business it is. (Points to u.^ There: " Signer Pipandore and Company, artists in ladies' fashions, etc., etc." Bab. By the way, who's the " Company 1 " Pip. Why, you, of course, " two's company," you know, " three's none." Then, here we have 8ignor 'Scargoti. Escar. (Entering the door.) The " Alystic Magian of the Magic Mirror." Fates and fortunes told, warranted to come true — if you wait long enough. The choicest spirits ke})t on call. Pip. Eau de vie-sions! Bab. (Pointing to herself.) Yes, and here's the medium. It's such fun being a medium; but I do wish one could foam at the mouth without 8oai>. (Knock heard at street door.) Escar. Ah, there's a lly come to the web. Be off with you. (PiPANDOR and Babette go qlf by door R.) I must go and pui on my robe of office. (Goes o(f through folding doors at back. 2'apping at door l., repeated. Maurice enters.) Maurice. Does the fortune teller live here 1 No one in ! (Comes front.) My last hope ! I have searched half France for Helene, but in vain. I learnt that she had run away. But where to ] Everyone comes to Paris, why not she 1 This astrologer will, perhaps, tell me. It is my only hope. (Sings.) If Magic Spells. Maurice. If magic spells could give me back Her love so long denied — So dear. No fear Should keep me from her side. If in her sweet eyes I might look And see ray own eyes there. The wiklest page of wizard's book How gladly would I dare! If round her white neck I might My arras for one short hour — What I'ate Too great To pay for magic power 1 • • laj 2S If I should see her gay and glad Her old love all forgot, IMy heart might hi-eak, and I be sad, But still accept my lot. For love alone is love that deems Life, soul and self as naught: And sad, Or glad, Her bliss is all uiy thought. Yet could I see by magic spell, My love of days gone by, My own, unchanged, then those can tell, Who love — my ecstasy. (EscAUaOT enters at back in his ma;/icians robe, atwlybig a big book; he wears a white beard.) EscAR. (Aside.) Ha ! the young mate of my ship from Seville. (Aloud.) What would you, young man] Would you consult the stany oi-bs as they roll in their mighty si)heres. Maurice. Indeed, sir, I would. EscAR. (Abruptlij.) And her name, is] Maurice. Her name! Her name, sir, is Helene. I have lost her! Help me to find her. Escar. (Aside.) Helene! Now for some magic. (Takes glass ball Jroin his breast and. looks at it iutentli/. Aloud.) Maurice! (Maurice start*.) Ah, I thought so. Would you like to see Helene de Chateau- gris in the spirit or the body ? Maurice. Can you ask ] Oh, show her to me! Escar. Gently; all in good time. (Ope)is folding doors, discovering magic viirror covered ivith a curtain. Aside.) If the starry orbs don't astonish 2/our orbs, I'm a Dutchman. (Goes th ough doors and off r. Soft music, l^ie curtain over the mirror is draion aside, a7id discovers Helene.) Maurice. Helene! (I/e rushes forward. Helexe mes " Miurice!" and steps out from the mirror to meet him. They embrace.) Duett — Ah Once Again. (Recit.) Maurice. Ah, once again my arms my love enfold, No cruel fate shall pluck her from my hold. Area. What was the magic that drew me beside you ? Magic so strong that the earth could not hide you. Ever before me I saw your sweet form; Ever your voice 'twas I heard in the storm. '.- 'Jl A- I p. 2G Helene. Ah, lovo, you ciuno, for my lieart so esteemed yon. Waking I thought of you ; sleeping I ilre:\mVl you. Was it so stnuige I coukl never forget ? Was it so strange that our hearts sliould have met 1 Ensemble. Draw me sweet, lioM me sweet, ever and aye Yours, by love's linking, united alway. Far off or near, till life's story is done. Love knows no b;ir when two hearts are as one. (PiPANDoR, Babette enter at door R. Escargot c/t^ers c. inordinary dress.) Bab. Dear mam'selle! At last! (rnmiinc/ to Helene.) Maurice. (Giviii'j hand to Pipandor.) WhatI My friend of the bouquet! You here! This is a day of sur|)ris6s, indeed. {Knockinj heard at street door. Babette runs to the iciiulow.) Bab. Pip, our customers are arriving! Escar. Perhaps mam'selle and the gentleman will step in here? {Opens door R. in flat.) Business must be attended to, and Pipandor is now an artist. Helene and, Maurice (jo into room.) If you want company call out. [Shuts door, also folding doors.) ISTow, Pip remember your lesson. Puff yourself out enough, and people will think you must be a swell. You've got cheek enough for anything. Solo on the Door Knocker. Rat tat tat. Rat tat tat tat tat, tat tat. Trio. See the ladies are arriving And they're striving And contriving 'Mongst each other to be first upon the floor. Chorus of Ladies Outside. Pipandor! Pijjandor! Pipandor. Rat tat tat, etc. Trio. Well, admit them, And we'll fit them. With the fashions they implore Evermoi'e. And their fathers, or their mothers, Or their husbands, or their brothers. Some other day will call and pay the score. try he ng •e? is nt 'ip ill 27 EXSKMBLE. ' Pay the score, rijuuulor. Hat tat tat. (Babette ru7is of, u Pipandou poses a I'ardsl at back, c, armn.i'mg draperies on pedestal m di(ferent combinations. Escargot opens dooi', L. 2 E. Chorus ofjashionable women enter.) EsoAR. Hush ! disturlj him not; ho is in a v.iptnre of coiui)o.sition Ladies. Ah ! EscAR. A dress of hixury ! Ladies. Indeed. EscAK. For a bride. liADIES. Ah ! EscAR. It will be a most sweet and tender thing. [EgCAROOT «7oes o/f R. Ladies. Let us endeavour to (juicken tlie master mind with melody. [Theij stand in a semicircle in front of Pipaxdor. Ladies. Hymx To Fashion. Sweet Fashion, we, thy votaries adore thee, Give us, oh, give us something we implore thee. No matter if mankind should deem ns noddies, Here, at thy feet, we hiy our souls and bodies Without a mutter. [Theij kneel round Pipandgr. Jf hoops are " in " we grow to huge dimensions, And fill the streets with all your large distensions; The end and aim of female education. To push all poor, disgusted male creation Into the gutter. Or, at thy bidding, which so good for trade is, Hoops, frills and flounces all cast off, we ladies Appear like ornamented hop poles, gladly. And squeeze oir waists like wasps, and suffer badly From indigestion. [All rise. We can't sit down, but that again's no matter. The matter is that some of us grow fatter. But short or tall, or thin or stout, we dash on; To breathe or not to breathe, oh, darling Fashion Is that the question 1 Pip. At last oyster shell.) have found my inspiration in this. {Holds up 28 Ladies. An oyster sliell! {Theif shake their heads douhtfxdhi.) Piv. We must not (h^spi^e Muytliint,', liowov(;r huniblo, in i\w search for tlie beautiful. Forme,! have found exquisite blendings in plain bread and butter; whilst a baby's mouth, covered with strawberry jam, suggests — Ladies. Ah! Pip. a strawberry-jam covered baby's moutb. Ladies. How truly true to nature! Pip. Take the ])earl rose and cre.imy white cf this shell. Set them in a background of green .'■eaweed. Compose tl: > whole in satin and lace, and in the middle ])ut — Ladies. The oyster? Pip. No, tlie biide. Ladies. It is too sweet! Pip. I dreamed it: 'Twas a fantasy! Ladies. The price? The price]' Pip. a trifle, 10,000 francs or so, but come, ladies, you shall see the effect. [Pipandor and Ladies go off door u. Enter Mad. Gigot do:jr l. Mad. Gig. {Advancing into room s/owfj/.) No one in. Why there's nothing dreadful here — not even a stuflied alligator, or a black cat. {Sees notice on door, c. ) " Signor 'Scargoti, Astrologer." Oh, that must be his chamber. Dear me. 1 feel my courage oozing out at the tips of my fingers, but I'll go through with it now I am here. I am tired of being a spy and a shuttle-cock. I will be an aristocrat and a battle-dore. I will know whether I am to be the Marqui.se of Chateaugris. I've tried everything. I've cried and I've stormed and coaxed and fainted, and done all that a weak wonjan can do, but the Marquis is such a tough l)ird. His heart only wants a few small stones and a little exercise to be a first class gizzard. (Goes to door, c, and raps.) No answer Perhaps he's aslee]). Catch a gizzard, wizard I mean, asleep! Ill see. {Goes out, c. Ra2J at door, l. Chateaugris enters, comes down ivith letter in hia hand. Chat. {Reads.) " Be at the astrologer's at noon, and you will hea; of something to your advantage." This is the astrologer's; this is noonr here am T; but where's the something ? {Goes to door, c, and looks through kei/hole. Ah, I see the something! Madame Gigot, again} Conies down, c.) I am a mere undraped infant in the hands of that woman ; a simple orphan ohild, an unfledged nestling. She will marry me in spite of myself. {Door opens slowlij; Chateaugris dashes behind the scree^ , r. Madame GIgot enters slowlg, looking back.) Mad. Gig. Nothing there except a strong smell of brandy. (Chateaugris, looking at her thnnigh the cracks of the screen, leans against it ami it falls forward, he with it.) What! The Marquis! {Aside.) Here's a lucky chance! {She helps him up.) What curious creatures you men are. Chat. Yes. We have our exits and entrances. Excuse both of mine. {Moves towards door.) Mad. Gig. Marquis! {In fascinating tones.) Marquis! Chat. Well, Madame. Mad. Gig. Do you know that this is leap year 1 Chat. Is it? 29 Mad. Gig. Do you know what happens in leap year? Ohat. In leap year. Yes, niadame, there are in February twenty- nine days. Good niornini'. O {Goes towards door, l.) Duett.— CiiATEAUGRis and Madame Gigot. Mad. Gig. Chat, (aside.) Stay, Marquis, stay, And say nie, yea or nay ! It's coming. Oh, I wish I'd stayed away. I'm on tlie rack. Alack ! Alack ! [Makes desperate holt for door, l. Good day! {She catches him by the coit and brings him down front. Mad. Gig. Chat. Who, when with cold in head You stayed in bed. Brought up your gruel, rubbed your swollen nose 1 Who nursed you when the gout attacked vour toes 1 Who, with her own fair fingers darned your hose ? By all your family blood pray answer, who did ? By all my ftimily blood then, madam, you did. ' Mad. Gig. Chat. Who, when you cloned your eyes. Kept off the flies ? Who cooked the dainties that you loved to eat ? Who, with her needle, made your wardrobe neat ? Who aired with tender care each snowv sheet 1 " Extras," as school bills have it, " all included.' By all my House's vital fluid, you did. (Aside, with mock seyitimentality.) Who ran to litt me when I fell 1 Who kissed the place to make it well \ Madam Gigot. Mad. Gig. {Aside.) Chat. {Aside.) She waits supposing I'm just proposing. He's caught, I see A weazel dozing, My eyes I'm closing; But I can see As far as she {Laughs quietly.) He ! He ! He ! Mad. Gig. {Languishingly.) Ah, Chateaugris ! He! Chat. {Aloud.) Mad, Gig. {Aside.) I must confess it.— {Hesiiaies.) The darling! Bless it! He's mine I see! • 30 CiiAT. {A,>iUle.) Now T shall nu'ss it, I can't tiiu'ss(! it, Dear me! dear me! Mad. Guj. (Aside.) IMarquise, I'll bo, do CliateaugriH. (In (I (jnsh of satisfaction aloud.) Ah Chateaugiis! (She lai/s her head on his shoulder, he s'u>ios enibai tssntent, bat does not attempt to remove it.) Mai>. Gig. (Coaxinyh;.) Shilly-shally dallying, Never comes to n\arrying. " Kisses " rhymes with " l>lissen," nothing more. Playing and delaying Always end in staying. As yon were Wefore, Maid or bachelor. (Sighs.) Heigho! luigho! lieigho! Quenching toi'ch of hymen Is the worst of crimen. Hymen's kisses last for evermore. Chat. (Aside.) That's the reason why men Fight so shy of Hymen. Staying as before, Just the bachelor. I! ji Mad. Gia. ' Heigho! heigho! heigho! (Aside — spoken thromjh hurried music.) I see the coi'onet slipj>ing through my hands. A bold stroke now, or all is lost! Oh, blessed leap year! (Throws herself at his feet and seizes his hand.) By Love divine You shall be mine! Be mine! Be mine! Ensemblk. 1 , N •I i Chat. (Aside) This comes of gallivanting With a widow bent on granting Hei- favours too enchanting, Chateaugris. Mad. Gig. My heart to you I'm granting, It's throbbing and its panting, And a tiny wedtling ring is all the fee, Chateaugris. Chat. (Aside.) That's the fee, Chateaugris. 31 Seou one of my A woman 1 But no matter. It'.s all ri^ilit now. Chat. (Aloud) Miulam, the lionour that you fain wouM do mo (jioes through lue. Your hand, I must regret, T can't accept it. The h'ap yo\i oiler, I've; ahrady leapt it. In short, to you my feelinj^'s just a l)rothei's, An uncle's, or a father's, or a mother's, In fact, I must inform you I'm another's. [Af>ritpt stop; dead silence. Mad. Gig. {SpeaJcuKj.) Oh! In that case, I shall place the matter and ail your letters, which, with the simple artlessness of my sex, I have carefully conserved, in the hands of my solicitors, {f/oiuij ojf R. At the door she turns siidilr.nl//.) lirutel (d'oes o// door L.) CliAT. Phewl I'd give my chances of the dukedom for a brandy and seltz(!r! (Esc;akoot eateis u. weariny his beard and mayiclan's robe.) The astrologer! EscAii. Hullo! Duke. Whai/s the matter? spirits. Eh! Chat. I've raised the deuce. EscAR. The deuce you have! Chat. Of course: a woman. I got your letter and here I am. EscAR. This time we can't fail. Chat. No more risings, I hope. The last was a failure. The troops came down; cut the ears otf half a dozen of my rascals; Chateaugris is confiscated, the estates gone, and it took all the influence of my back- stairs ancestors to save my own ytoov bacon. Ebcau. Listen. Here is a letter from Cellamare, the Spanish Ambas- sador to the Duchess of Maine. It is all settled. Next week the Regent and his roues aic; going to have one of their famous sufjpers at the Ciife de la Regence. As the clock strikes four the Regent will be seized, gagged, ])ut into a carriage and carried off to Spain. Once out of the way, Philip of Spain will become Regent; the Duke of Maine, or rather, the Duchess, his lieutenant, and you — Chat. Ah! And I ] EscAii. You will get your dukedom. Chat. {As^^..) Elusive phantom, when shall I grasp thee'? EscAR. Think of your old House; your family tree. You have never had a duke in it yet, have you ? Chat. {Hastili/ takin// pedigree from his breast.) No, not exactly a duke. But, look here, {sinys.) " This was the way the old — " EsCAR. (Dri/li/.) Thank you. Another time. I have received infor- mation that the Regent intends to visit the astrologer to-day, to learn from the stars what chance he has of the throne of France. (Laughs.) He will be here immediately. After he has gone we will discuss our plans. Oblige me by step[)ing in here. (Goes to curtain opening, R.) That passage leads to a private room. You will find a bottle of cognac and a peerage. You can brandy and water your family tree, Duke. Chat. Duke! (Goes offK.) EsCAR. Donkey! Now to inform the Duchess of our plans. I must send her Cellamare's letter. (Sits at table r. and writes; folds up note and then rings bell on table, Pipandor and Babette enter R. 2 E., and Maurice a7ui JlELK^iE from dooi' in Jlat.) 32 EscAR. {C fear The bird most surely would take wing. ) Some mischief siirely would he bring, j We are, So far. Indeed, Agreed. } J Some must be spiders; some be flies. ( Love does not like a stranger's eyes. That's why The spi-' we fly der's fly to se- must ea- crecy. ten be. With nature's law we sympathiso. {Knocking heard at street door. Helene and Maurice hastily go back into room R. in flat, Babette goes through folding doors c. ) EscAR. Now, Pip, don't foi-get the skull and stuffed glove. (Goes after Babette. Pipandoh Jetches fishing rod with glove at the end of the line; also a skull from R.) Pip. Yes, but Where's the stuffing? (Sees handkerchief.) Ah, this will do! (Takes handkerchief, and with it the note, and stuffs them into the glove, setting rod behind screen R. Escargot enters from c. xoith big book which he lays on j^edestal. Loud knocking. Pipandor goes behind screen R. The Regent, in a cloak, enters h., Escargot seeming deeply intent on his book. Regent advances i^ito the room and coughs; Escar- got tikes no notice; the Regent taps him on the shoulder.) Regent. Have you the — (hesitates) — the knowledge box of the hocus-pocus man 1 EscAR. (Impressively.) Sir, I have not the knowledge box of the hocus-pocus man; but I have the Magic Mirror of the Magian. Regent. Humph! Is this the right shop for fortunes ? 83 KscAR. This is tlie right shop for foitunf^s; that is, if you liavo tho right fortunn for tho sho[). {Ilohls out hand, Kkoknt droim purse into it laitijhbiij.) You're a gtMitleiii in. [/iecovp.rin'j luniHpJf'.) I should say, the poor will profit by your goaiiroHity, sir. I am but a poor inatruineiit for their benefit. Tho spirits ar« not to be bought, (aside.) for less than ten sous a glass. (Aloud.) Wo will see if any are i)resent. (KscARGOT thrown open fold'uKj doors in flat, discover inrj mirror covered with a o^rtain. Hn describes a circle, with his loand and places tlie Hegent in the centre, his back to audience.) EscAR, There, in this circln stand. Beware Of putting foot or hand outside; nor dare To utter sound, or mischief will befall us all. Regent. Your preparations, friend, are somewhat, say, uncanny; still, I must obey your will. So here I stand. Turn on your taps, And patiently I'll listen for the raps. EscAR. Ready? (Draws curtain across window. Stage dark.) Reg. All ready. Go ahead. EbCAR. (Front, with extravagant solemnity. ) Ye spirits dread Of earth, and air, and fire, I call you by a power higher — The sacred seal of Solomon! {PiPAKDOR danjles the stnjfed kid glove over the Regent's head and face.) Reo. Hullo! Here's something tickling ray nose! EscAR. It's the spirits! Be silent for your life! They're here! (Continues solemnly.) From lowest depths of dark abysmal earth; From far off stars and planets of your birth; From the hot bowels of volcanoes rise And lift the future's veil before his eyes. (PiPANDOR swings a skull covered with phosphorous round the room at the end of a rod, whi'.e Escakgot hits the Regent sharply on the back with a long fiat wand.) Reg. Come, I say, that's no joke! EscAR. Silence! The spirits are working powerfully. Take care, or we're both as dead as mutton. (Pipandor groans and dangles chains at R.) There! (Calls.^ Salathiel ! Salathiel ! Salathiel ! ' ^ ,' Impero tibi, per clavem Solomonis ; , .. ^, » Et nomen magnum Semhamphoras! ' ', ' 11) 84 {Crash at hdck, 77k' cnrtdin 1h dnnnu (/lnnovi'riii'j W.swktvk, (liessi.d in a wJiitf nluet and holdimj out a crown toivdrds l/m Keuknt.) KscAK. Whoever you mo, (Ik^ Hpii-lta oHor you a orowii. Tluit is the spirit of — {lioptt /ward all orir tin- slaijv.)' ('lfo|iiitra! 11k(J. (Atilde, turniiKf towardn audience.) Wonduiful! My heart's hojK'S to Ito roiilizcd! (I'lrANDoil ai/aiit danjf/i-s tin; stn/ffd (jlnre (d)ont his head.) Ilullo! {//>• Si i'.e.'< It, and /olltncintj iij> the ittrinif discovers ril'ANDoU lichind screen u. J/e Lrinifs him iloirn hi/ the ear. KscAluiOT (jets behind ncreeii, L.) Ah! Sol So! (//*; rashes to mirror and dratjs BaiikTTI': from if t > the windon\ her ttheet falllnfj o(l. 'P\V\S\HM{. Iiolts behind screen li. The liv.c.KST throtrti back the rnrtaln. Strnje H(jht) I see! A very pretty littU) spirit, iiuUsed. {/'inches her cheek.) well luaterializcd, too. J{au. {/uillini/ on. her linee.t.) Sin", forgive* us! Wo {.sobs) didn't intcMid any harm. And — and {lookin;/ np arelilji, ami lanr/himj), it was such fun. {7'he /lei/cnt looks atn/ri/ a motneiit, then bursts into a lau(//i.) l\\:u. Fun! Why of course it was! Gad, I should like to have a try at it myself. 1 will, loo. {Calls.) Come out of your holes you two rats. (Pip and Kscauoot come out.) Miserable scamps! But I'll forgive you on condition that you engage mo as assistant. Gad, I'll do the stnfled glovo l)usin('.ss myself, {/'icks up Jtsliimj rod and waml and dan(/les glove over I'itandoh's face, slappinij KsCAitciOT o)i. t/ie back witfh the itHind, Business round stage.) Wl)at fun wo will havo with the boobies who come to get their fortunes told. (Bahkttk looks at /tiin slyly.) li'm. {Takes handkerchiej and note out.) Ilullo! here's some spirit tiand writing. (Escaikjot is nnic/t disturbed; /le and Pipanpou and Babkttk at buck.) What's this] " To the Duchess of Maine." Eh! {Opens and reads.) Dear Duchess : — Be prepared to capt'vate our friend the (blank) and the (Idank) of (blank) will be (blank) ot (blank) with the (blank) of (blank) as Lieutenant, which, of course, means yourself. Cellamake. H'm! Cellamare! The Spani.sh ambassador! Oho! Another Spanish plot! Philip of Spain will be Regent of France, will he? and the Duke of Maine will be his Lieutenant, that is, his wife will be — Captivate me will she! Now, to checkmate the dear Duchess and fill np these blanks in my way. {Going towards door L.) Bah! my little cons[)irators we will deal with you presently. {Goes out door L. Babette and Escaroot each ta/ce one of Pipan'Dou's ears and bri)ig /urn downjront.) Bab. There, yonve done it now! Ruined us; destroyed the wife of your bosom. Booby! EscAK. Yes. Killed one of the best businesses in town. Ass! Pip. [ always told you the stuffing would fall out of the busiuess some day. Bab. {Crying.) What will become of us? EscAR. You're all safe, it isn't you they want, babies, it's me. I must get away at once. How ? (Babette runs to window and looks out.) Bab. Not by the door, there's a gendarme there already. 30 Pip. I ktiowl DrcHS liiin up us u worn m of fiiHliion, and ho can lejivo witli tli(! ladies. K.scAU. ('iii»itiil! C^uifk now! Tlicrn's no time to lose. (I'lrANUOU mid Baukttk 70 out t/nor u, 2 K., ami rntm-ii with il I'i'HH-vuikers wire model coini>li'l< h/ (Iri'HsKil. Thill raiiidlij tniiis/fr the clothr.a to KscAIUiOT. \l\w.T\:v. ji iial 1 1/ hritif/liK/ roiit/e and roinjrin;/ hin cheeks.) EscAU. How do I iodk I I?AH. Like a l»orn woman. KscAK. Tlicn <^o and In ini; tli«( ladies down. (Pipandok and BahktTK (JO out door n, 2 K. JvscAlUioT furtis to mirror on ical/, L. Ciiatkalukis enters H. disijnincd oh a lodif of fiiHhion. CllAT. There, I tiniik I'm safe. They'll never find me out in this costuuu". (»^'«t'« E.scAHcioT. ) Hullo! A lady! I must lie careful. {Business across staijc with E.sc.'AKuot, each afraid of being found out. EscAU. {Detectiii;/ him.) IManiuis! C!hat. Escar<:ot ! E.scAli. (Capital, niad.inie. Chat. E.\c(dlent, maiUonoiselle. lioTii. Hush ! they come! {Ladies enter R., while an ojjicer and soldiers file in at door h. PiP- ANDOK, ViWW.TVV. cuter n. [Durinj the following the ladies <'uri- ' oudij l)is)>ect Esc'AHUOt and Ciiatkauokis.) {Solo by the Ojjicer and Chorus by soldiers.) The IJkgiment of the Link. We're here, we're here! The King's own guards, At duty's call appearing. We leave our skittles and cliampagne, Our sweethi^arts so endearing. We leave the feast; we leave the flow of wit and reason. All ripe for any fight or fun in season. We love our colonel madly, and We love our cai)tain true; We quite adore our sei-geants, and We like our corporals too. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, The uniform's so tine, To see us marching by, A regiment of the line. Chor. We love our colonel, etc. 36 There never was a family so Witl) its own self deliglited. The rogirnent iL our brother and Our pa and ma united. Tat, tat, our drums begin to beat. With colours flying, Away we march; and leave the girls all crying. You may not think to look at us We'd care for shedding gore; But you are much mistaken, for Thei-e's nothing we like more. Oh, 'tis, etc. Chor, You may not tliink, etc. We leave the nursery-maided [)arks, The kitcliens snug and cosy; The strolls by day, the larks by night, And Cupid's arms so rosy. *' Fall in," the bugle sounds, and quickly then we fall in; Though well we know the soldiers' soup there's gall in. We do enjoy our drill, also Our pay day, when it comes. We think the finest music is The rattle of our drums. Oh, 'tis, etc.. Chor. Chor. We do enjoy, etc. (77ie Eegent enters door l.) The Regent! 'Tis the Rege. ^' Reg. Arrest everybody! Pip. But the ladies. Sir! Reg. {Gallantly/.) Oh, not the ladies, of coui'se. We couldn't hope to captivate Beauty (bowing to Escargot) and Grace (bowing to Chat- KAUGRis R. IViey return his boios with exaggerated curtesies. He offers an arm to each.) Reg. Permit me, ladies, to take you to your chairs. {They go out on his arm, door L. The ladies rush itito the centre of room and gesti dilate violently.) Soldiers. 'Tis duty calls, and we obey. The King's own guards, we love the fray. Again the fact we must repeat, A row is quite a jolly treat. Tat, tat, tat, ta, ta, tat, tat, tat, etc. (imitating drums.) We love the life, adore the flag. We'd follow just the merest rag. We only ask a foe to meet. Our regiment never did retreat. Tat, tat, etc. . . ' 37 Ladies. {To each other in great excitement.^ Was there ever sach a situation seen 1 And whaie -er does the situation mean? It is really i.iost embarrassing but nice, Don't you think we ought to give them some advice ? There's a secret here we feel we ought to know, And the secret we will have before we go. It's deliciously romantic we declare, So becoming to complexions that are fair, {They hastily rouge each other. The Regen-" re-enters. Reg. What ho! What ho! Search well the house! Ladies, we're looking for a mouse. {Soldiers scatter in search, some leaving the room R. door.) Chor. {Ladies only, to each other confidentially.) A mouse hunt, A mouse hunt, Ah! this is just a mouse hunt. {They shake their heads knowingly.) A tiny mouse Is in the house. So they've got up a mouse hunt. {Mysteriously.) Tiddleeum, tiddleeum, tiddleeum ti, turn ti, Tiddleeum, tiddleeum, the cat ran up the plum tree. {The soldiers break open doer, r, injlat and discover Helene disguised as Maurice. T/iey seize her.) Regent. {liecit.) The mouse is found. And run to ground. So we'll set the cat. To find the rat. Chor. {Ladies as bejore.) A rat hunt, A rat hunt, All this is just a rat hunt. They set a cat To catcli a rat, And this they call a rat hunt. Tiddleum, etc. (Babette and Tipandor, one on mch side of the Regent, burst out laughing, the Regent looks at them enquiringly.) Pip. ^Q \3.wgh hecAw&Q— {goes off into a fit of la/ughter.) ^^ '1 , , > - > 4 38 11: {Goes 0^ into a Jit) Reg. {Anyrily.) A joke at my expense! Bab. Forgive us, sir, the joke is too ininiense. of laughter.) Reg. Where's tlie astrologer'? Pip. Why, that's the joke. Bab. He's gone, Sir. Reg. Vanished 1 Bab. Like a puff of smoke. Pip. {Pointing down.) He went below. Reg. What, through the floor! the elf! Bab. Oh, no! You took him H, tlic flaJioc! (They dana, the Regent with Babkttk, and Pipandok irith Hklknk, Kkoknt. Now, then, to pro|iiiro oin- suppor. Tho Companions of tlie Older of tlio Rilvfr Sauccpiin will assoiiible. {Attendants bring cuoks caps (Did ((proiis and niloer ttancrpcnia.), Kkgknt and ClIOUl'S. 80N(} OF THE SADCEPAy. Regknt. something, roval one. Oil, the song of the saucopun, oh! Succnh;nt soup ami savouiy stew, Gravy brown and rich ragout. Oh, the song of tho saucepan, oh! Sinnei" and saint Must dine or faint. And the saucepan lives forever, We sing, we sing That the cook is king, And the sav.ceiiau lives forevei*. Oh, the song of the sauce])an, oh! " Griddle and pan may have their day, Oven and spit will pass away," This the song of the saucepan, oh! Beauty niay die. And love may fly, But the saucepan lives forever. We sing, etc. Now to the kitchen! Remember, everyone must cook. For me, I will prepare the salad. I have compounded a Listen — here it is: — (Siiif/s.) Salade du Roi. Fiist take three anchovies, a little shalot. Some parsley, and chop up the whole in a pot; Add mustard and salt, and pour in when it's done, Two big spoonfuls of oil and of vinegar one. Put to this, not too much, just tiie mere satis j(un, Of thin slices of beef or Westphalia ham; Mix it, and mix it, as if you were mad, Your arm may be stitt' but your palate be glad. Then cover the bowl for three hours or so. And the king of all salads the eater will know. Garnish with parsley and Ijacon cut tine; Wash your hands; say your giace; and then sit down to dine. Chor. {Repeat " Oh, the song of the saucepan, oh! " and all dance off stage L. 2 E. in Bachanaliait procession, beatiiig their saucepans^ except Helene.) 47 IIrlene:. Not hor« yot! WIkmi will he como ? (Madamk Gioot entf')'H L.) MiiilaiiK! (lii^otl {//asti/i/ Irlex to re inns/,:) Mad. Uio. Main'selle HfltMic! Too late luiiiii'.sclle {lauijha iron- ica//i/), you'io found out. How i)lea80»ont threw at you in the daiict' just now. Hklknk. I'm not going to bo a beauty any njore than you are going to be — IMad. Gig. Wliat 1 (Gigot enters at bad;: lie staj'ts on sreituj Madamk (Jioot.) Hklkne. IMarciuise de Chateaugris. {Curtseys.) Gigot. {Asiile.) Martjuise de Chateaugris! It's my wife! Oho, Madame Gigot! Mad. Gig. That may be nearer than you expect. Gigot. (Aside at back.) I don't know about that. Mad. (iio. I shall go and inform your dear papa. (Co"" off L., GlooT (joes off c. and L. Hki.kxe. Do, dear mamma. Spiteful thing. What shall I do! Oh, if Maurice would only come! (Regknt enters l. 2 E. with saucepan in one hand and ladle in the other. Regent. My fair unknown, you mustn't desert us Helene. All, sir, where is Maurice] Regent. ( Who is slli/htl// excited by vnne, initnickin(j her) Wliere's Maurice 1 I don't know where Maurice is, but the Duke of Orleans is here; quite at your service; in fact, your most devoted slave. [Leads tier to sofa, setting donm saucepan on the ground by it.) Helene. (Aside.) I must not quariel with him, or Maurice is lost. (Sits. Mauuice, Gigot and Escakgot appear at back. Maurice sees Helene and is with di^iculty 2^'>'C'Ve7ited by Escaugot /rom rushing Jorivard. ) Regent. I'll wager now, this gay young spark, Maurice, has clean forgotten you. A buttei'tly of fashion; sipping sweets from every flower. Why should you waste your beauty on a man who has forsaken you 1 (Takes her haml.) 8oft as velvet. Come. You shall be the reigning beauty of the hour; the belle of every l)all; the toast of every gallant in town; the envy of all womevi; the adoration of all men. Helene. j^.ls/ Three, four, five, six, one, two, (Aside.) But they've not the least idea what we mean to do. ■ .•>i.i Four, five, six, one, two, three, {Aside.) "Won't His Royal Highness find his supper disagree 1 3.v>!w 49 Five, six, one, two, three, four, {Aside.) Oh, 'twill be a pretty row ojs wo said before. Six, one, two, throe, four, five, (Aside.) Thi.s will bo a funny dance, as sure as we're alive. {Unler six of the Reoekt's soldiers, disguised as Normandi/ nurses, each xoith a baby in long clothes, the head of the baby forming the handle of a swoi'd. Babies cry.) Nurses. Hush-a-by, baby! Hush! Hush! Hush! (Aside.) Here is the enemy, now for a brush. (Babies c/ty.) Hush-a-by, baby, oh, hush-a-by. (Aside.) Nursis and babies are only " my eye." Hush-a-bye baby, hush-a-bye do, (Aside.) When th^^y discover us wont they look blue. (Vigorous chorus oj squalling babies.) Ladies. Precious poppet Mill you stop it, Oh you blessed baby drop it. (What a bother when the baby once begins!) There's no use tver trying. To stop a baby's crying, Particularly when it comes from pins. Give it syrup. Chirrup, chirrup, Chirrup, chirrup. Chirrup, chirrup. Particularly when it comes from pins. Is it f"ims or indigestion, Or the colic 1 that's the question. (What a bother when the baby once begins.) Give it Jones' paregoric. Or that soothing stuff historic. Particularly when it comes from pins. Give it syrup, etc., etc. (The ladies cluster round the babies, and at last succeed in touching them. They immediately come downjront.) Ladies. {Mysteriously.) Those — babies — all — have — wooden — heads, [Church clock strikes. Likewise their legs are far too long, [Clock strikes. The nurses, too, have martial treads, [Clock strikes. nri^ \ much suspect there's something wrong. Male Choe. They / ^ . " ° [Clock strikes. ^0 {Clashi/ig oj swurJs heard off L. at bach. The conspirators close umbrel- las, draw their swords, and rush towards the Keoent; at the same moment the nurses draw the swords from their babies, and range themselves in front of the Regext; they exchange a few passes and beat down the conspirators. Soldiers appear at back.) Regent. (Laughing.) Well done, Pipandor! (Pipandor takes CliATEAUGRls b'l/ the Car anil leads him down front L. Pip. (Aside to Ciiateauguis.) What will you give me if I get you out of this scra])e 1 Chat. Anything. Pip. Very well, I claim your daughter's hand. (Goes to Escargot and brings him down bi/ the ear r. Madame Gigot appi'oaches Ciia- teaugris.) Mad. Gig. Pronnse to niarvy me, and you shall escape. Chat. (Aside.) The old House is on its last legs. (Aloud.) I proniise. Pip. (To Escargot.) You made my wife a Professional Beauty; unmake her and you are free. EscAR. That's easy. Trust to me. (A soldier enters, c, and gives a paper to the Regent.) Regent. Good. (Iieads.) The Duke and Duchess of Maine are arrested. The Spanish Ambassador is dismissed, and the plot exi)loded. Bravo, Pip! (Slaps Pipandor on the back.) Now, friends, what shall we do with these small fry 1 Pip. (Kneels be/ore Regent.) Give them to me, sir. Regent. A pretty lot ! well, they are yours. Do what you choose with them. Pip. (Pointing to Maurice.) For this gentleman, he is a desperate character, mad with love, he shall be tied up at once. (Goes to door, R., and brings in Helene. She rushes into the arms o/ Maurice.) Regent. My beauty! Come, come; that's more than I bargained for. Pip. Do you hesitate? I will tell you the story of the muscular chicken. (Siiigs.) The Muscular Chicke!;. Pipandor. Chor. Pip. Chor Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. A chicken once went straying Beyond the farm yard gate. Cluck, cluck. She saw a big fox preying And didn't want to wait. Cluck, cluck. Oh, butter and bacon and beans, Can you guess what the story means'? With his butter and bacon and beans. We can't guess what his story means. The big fox he espied her, And made a graceful bow. Cluck, cluck. " You are the sweetest chicken I ever saw, I vow." Cluck, cluck. 51 Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. ChofT. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Chor. Pip. Oil, .si)inach and maids in their teens Can you guess wliat the story means'? With his spinach and maids in their teens We can't guess what his story means. " You're far too diickly dainty To lie by on the shelf, Cluck, cluck. We'll go and get a license And I'll marry you myself." Cluck, cluck. Oh bishops and curates and deans, Can you guess what the story means? With his bishops and curates and deans We can't giu'ss what his storv moans. "Just one small kiss pray give me" (He laughed in his sleeve) Cluck, cluck. " Before we toddle churchwards " (All this was make believe.) Cluck, cluck. Oh, gammon and odorous greens Can you guesa what the story means? With his gammon and odorous greens We can't guess what his story means. Then up she flow like furyj The fox ho gave a howl. Cluck, cluck. She tore him all to tatters This most demure young fowl. Cluck, cluck. Oh, daggers and claymores and skeans Can you guess what the story moans? With his daggers and claymores and skeans We can't guess what his stoiy means. She buried him most snugly, And scratched his e[)itai)h. Cluck, cluck. " The laugh that comes the latest Is the sweetest kind of laugh." Cluck, cluck. Just tickle a chick in its teens And you'll find what my story means. Chor. {Pvzzled) We must tickle a chick in its teens To find out what his story means. Regent. Well, 1 consent. I prefer scratching my own epitaph. Chat. But 1 don't consent. IIeuent. Who is this ? , ; 52 Pip. Tlie Marquis de Chateaugris, papa of Mademoiselle do Cha- teaugris. (Pointing to Helene.) The Marquis is going to give her hand to this gentleman. Monsieur Maurice I dont know his name. Chat. Never! Pip. Who will give him in exchange this bundle of documents. (Gives bundle of letters tied up in parchment to Maurice.) Chat. (Aside.) My letters? Mad. Gig. (Aside.) His letters! - (Maurice undoes parchment.) Maurice. What is this 1 (Hastily takes parchment from his breast, the two halves fit.) At last! I have found my name. I an Maurice de Chateaugris! Chat. My lost brother's son! (Aside.) Tf so, he is the heir to Chateaugris! and I am nothing. Let me see. (7'a/ces parclimeats and examines tliem na* 53 In a cosy little shop, That was only just a hop, From the corner of the Rue de la Paix. '. '. .•• , ,• The fine ladies from their carriages, Were all scented and poudrees, The gallants they scented marriages, The gallants they were so gay! And the time they spent in trying On those fallals before buying Slipped away. For the shop it was so nrat, And the milliner discreet, And there was such a long time to pay. But her bills for silk and laces in The end would surely rouse, The ugliest of faces in A not too handsome spouse. While her frills and falbalas, Were the dread of all papas. So one day — • ' They shut up the little shop, That was only just a hop. From the corner of the Rue de la Paix. Ladies. What! A milliner! Oh, really ! {They walk round Babette, looking at her in a stipercilious fashion; each making a disparaging remark «5 site passes, such as " a very ordiiiary person," " paints," " dreadfaUy made up. ' Babette is at first indignant; then cries.) Regent. {To Babette.) I must say, my little lady. Your behavior's rather shady; Flirtation's ruination; leads to rows: The profession of a Beauty Dosn't kindly go with duty To the buttons and the stockings of your spouse. So you'd better drop the " Beauty " For your safe domestic duty, And the sleepy, creepy, cradle rule of wife; . . See your husband gets good dinners. And resign to us poor sinners All the glitter-flitter-bitter sweets of " life," Bab. (T'o Pipandor.) Pip., let's be friends. Pip. Why; ar'nt you the Professional Beauty? what more do you want 1 ( To Regent.) What moi-e does she want 1 Regent. Oh, she's a woman. Wants to be everything, I suppose. 54 P[p. Everything ! well, so she shall be everything to me, if she will, that is. {Theij embrace.) But you'll drop the " Profession." Bab. And retire into private life. Mad. Gig. (fionilug down to Gigot.) There ! there's an example ! there's a pattern woman ! (^ome, Gigot, shall I be everything to you ? GiGOT. The fact is Mrs. G., I dpn't want everything. Mad. Gig. I am well off. The cellars of the Caf6 de la Rogence are well stocked. You shall have the key. Gigot. Umph ! That's a consideration. I say; if I do ship for another matrimonial cruise, I must be a cabin passenger. Mad. Gig. Agreed. Gigot. Look here, I say, no brimstone in the cargo, this time, eh ] Regent. No, nothing but treacle. Gigot. [Sujhimj.) All right. Ship me aboard. {They embrace.) Helenk. [To ]\[aurice.) We shall be everything — 3IAURICE To each other. Chat. Everybody seems to be everything to somebo.ly. T shall be nobody. Pip. No, you shall come back to Chateaugris with us. Rrgext. And cultivate the family tree. Chat. {Aside.) Wliere is my dukedom now 1 {^iva'sdok. loMsjyers to Regent, then goes off L. Regent. Oh! {To Chateaugris.) Kneel down. (Chateaugris kneels. Pipandor returns loith a saucepan decorated lolth lettuce leaves and onions to represent a ducal coro)iet; gives it to the Regent wlto places it on Chateaugris' head.) T create you First Scraper to the Noble Order of the Silver Saucepan. There's your coronet. Chat. It's lucky I have a head left to wear it. Escar. {Meekly.) Can't I do something ? Regent. Yes. Get out. Pip, you are a genius, you shall be rewarded. I create you Master of the Ceremonies to the Order of the Silver Siucepan. (Pipandor kneels and the Regent decorates him loith his own ribbon.) And now, to supper. FINALE. All Principals. Now to the story so happily ended Stick on the moral which should be appended. Tie to your kite, if you'd not have it fail. Plenty of string and a deuce of a tail. Helene. Faint heart in love — Maurice. never captured the fair. Mad. Gig. A bird in the hand — GiooT. is worth two in the air, Pip. First take the inch — Bab. and you'll soon get the ell, Chat. Don't count your chickens — Escar. till out of the shell. . , II, 55 Chor. Thus to the story so happily eml^d Stick on the moral which should be appended. Tie to your kite if you'd not have it fail, Plenty of string and a deuce of a tail. Propriety we satisfy and gratify completely, Sticking on the moral all so deftly and so neatly. Longest lanes will turn, and so will worms, so ■= runs the fable; Ul)s and downs we all must have, we'll bear them ' as we 1 e able. Ups and downs will come, and when we can't bear _ ^ any more, sir. We'll iust remember Chateaugds, Helene, and '' Pipandor, sir. The Regent. Babette. Helene. Pipandor. escargot. Chateaugris. Maurice. Mad. Gigot. Gigot THE END.