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ROB

ROBERTSON'S CHEAP SERIES.

POraUR READING AT POPUUR PRICES.

THE RISE AND FALL

THE MUSTACHE;

AND OTHER

"HAWK-EYETEMS."

BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE

The Humorist ot the " Burllugton Hawkeje."

AMERICAN EDITION. $200,

ROBERTSON'S EDITION - FIFTEEN CENTS.

COMt'I^K'^rK.

TOROMTO :

J. Boftb RoBiBTBON, 67 Yoxaie Snasaa,
1877.

• I

*} n

2V9286

P K E F A C: E

To llw Aiiifvican Edition.

The appearance of a new book is an inuic.ition tluit anotlier man liarj
found a mission, has entej'td ujion tlie peiformaiice of a lofty uuty, actuated
only by the noblest impulses that can spur tiie sou) of man to action, k.
is the proudest boast of tlie profession of literature, that no man ever
published a book for selHsh purposes or with ignoble aim. Books have been
published for the consolation of the distressed ; for the guidance of tlie
wandering ; for the relief of the destitute ; for tlie hope of the penitent ; for
uplifting the burdened soul above its sorrows and fears ; for the general
amelioration of the condition of \ ill mankind ; for the right against the
wrong ; for the good against the bad ; for the t'uth. This book is publislied
for two dollars per volume.

R. J. B.

THE RISE AND FALL OE THE MUSTACHE.

We open our eyes in thi.s liTing world | to the quiet, happy, care-free, independent
around us, in a wonder land, peopled with life of a jocuud farmer, with nothiiii,' aiider

dreams, and L:."'' 'tetl with wonderful shapis;
ajitl every day dawns upon us in a medley
of new marvels. We are awakened from
these ilreams by conract with Hard, stub- ;
born facts, not rudely and h.irslily, but i
gradually and ienileily. So much tliat i.s
bri;^iit and beautiful, aiul lull of romance
ami vv(tnder, passes away with the earlier

wheat
wheat.

years of lite, that by the lime we are able to i didn't know
earn our tirst .salary we hold ni our hands ' "
only the crumpled, witiiered leaves of child-
hood's simple crec(ls and loving superstitions.
Year after year, the iconoclastic haiul of
earnest, real lito, tears from the lofty pe- I
destals upon which our loving fancy had i
ensiiriued them, the gods of gold that
crumble into worthless clay at our feet.
We live to lose faith, at last, in "Puss in
Boots ;" we cease to weep over the sad
tragedy of "(Jock llobin;" there comes a
time when we can read "Arabian Nights,"

the canopy to molest or make tiun afraid,
with everv thing on tiie ])laiitatioii going on
sniDothiy and lovelily, with a little rust in
the oats; army worm in the (;orn; (.'olorado
beetles swarming up anil dwwu tlu; potato
patcli; cutworms lay ing waste the curundu^rs;
curculio in the [ilums and borers in the
apple trees; a new kii'd of luiii that he

the name uf, dosdiatiiig the
iilds; dry weather burning up the
Wet weather blighting the corn; too
cold for the nieloiiS, tmi dreadfully hot lor
the strawberries; chickens dying wiih the
pip; hogs Iteing fathered to their fathers
with the cholera; slieep failing away with a
complication of things that no man could
remember ; horses g.tting ah)ng as well
as c(«uld be expected, with a little
spavin, ring bone, wolf teeth, dis-
temper, heaves, blind stiiggers, collar chafe.=i,
saddle galls, colic now and then, founder

and then go to bed without a tremor; with occisionally, epizootic when there was noth-
one heart-breaking pang at last we give up j ing else ; cattle going wild with the horn ail ;
darling "Jack the Giant Killer," and ac- moth in the bee hives ; snakes in the milk
knowledge him to be the fraud he stands i house ; moles in the kitchen garden — Adam
confessed; it is not long after that we learn | had just about got through breaking wild
to look upon William Tell as a national , land with a crooked stick, and settled down
myth, and then we come to know, in spite comfortably, when the sound of the boy was
of all that orthodox theology has taught us heard in the land.

to the contrary, that Adam was not the first [ Did it ever occur to yon that Adam was
man — that raised a mustache. Adam was | probably the most troubled and won ied i.ian
too old — vhen he was born — to care very j that ever lived ? We have alv\ ays pictured
much about what our fU'ander and more Adam as a care-worn looking man ; ajiuzzled
gradually developed civilization considcis looking granger who would sigh fifty times a
the crowning facial ornament. And after j day, ami sit down on a log aiui run ids

his natural human idleness got him into
perfectly natural human trouble, he was
kept too l)usy raising srmethiiig t()|)iit uniler
his lip, to think much about what grew
above it. If Atlam wore a mustache, he
uevei' raised it. It raised itself. It evolved
itself out of its own inner consciou^ner.s,
like a primordial germ. It grew, like the
weeds on his farm, in spite of him, and to
torment him. For Adam had hardly got
his farm reduced to a ki: d of turbulent,
weed-producing, granger Kghting. regular
order of things — had scarcely settled down

II resolute lin^rers tlnouirh his hair while ho
wondered wiiat under tlie canopy he was
gi'iiig to do with those boyn, and whatever
was going to become of them. \\\i have
thought too, that as often as our esteemed
jiarent asivcd himself this onundrum, he
gave it u\). They must have be<ti a source
of constant trouble ami mystiiicati(»n to ium.
For you see tliey were the first boys that
humanity ever had any experience with. .\n(l
tliore was no one else in the neighbourhood
who had any boy, with wlntni Atlam, in his
moments of perplexity, could consult. There

THE RISE AND FALL

wasn't a boy in the country with whom :
Adam's boys were on speaking terms, and i
with whom they could piay and tight. Adam,
you see, laboured under the most distressing ;
disadvantages that ever opposed a marrie<l '
man and the father of a family. He 1 ad I
never been a boy himself, and what could he
know about boy nature or boy troubles and
pleasure ? His perplexity began at an early
date. Imagine, if you can, the celerity with :
which he kicked ott" tUe leaves, and paced up |
and down in the moonlighi; the lirst time :
little Cain made the welkin ring when he had '
the colic. How did Adam know what ailed I
him ? He couldn't tell Eve that she had
been sticking the baiiy full of pins. He |
didn't even know enough to turn the vocifer-
ous infaut over on his face and jolt him into I
serenity. If the fence corners on his farm'
had been overgrown with catnip, never an idea !
would Adam have had what to do witli it. It
is probable that after he got down on his i
knees and felt for snakes or rats in the bed,
and thoroughly examined young Cain for [
bites or scratches, he passed him over to Eve I
with the usual remark, ' • There, take him 1
and huoh him up, for heaven's sake," and
went off and sat down under a distant tree
with his fingers in his ears, and perplexity in
his brain. And young Cain just split the
uight with the most hideous howls the little
world had ever listened to. It must have
stirred the animals up to a degree that no
menagerie has ever smce attained. There
was no sleep in the vicinity of Eden that
night for anybody, baby, beasts or Adam.
And it is more than probable that the weeds
got along start of A( am the next day, while
he lay around in shady places and slept in
troubled dozes, disturbed, perhaps by awful
visions of possible twins and more colic.

And when the other boy came along, and
the boys got old enough to sleep in a bed by
themselves, they had no pillows to tight with,
and it is a moral impossibility for two
brothers to go to bed without a fracas. And
what comfort could two boys get out of pelt-
ing each other with fragments of moss or
bundles of brush ? What dismal views of
future humanity Adam must have received
from the glimpses of original sin which began
to develop itself in his boys. How he must
have wondered what put into their heads the
thousand and oiie questions with which they
plied their parents day after day. We wonder
what he thought when they first began to
Btring buckeyes on the cat's tail. And when
night came, there was no hired girl to keep the
boys quiet by telling them ghost stories, and
Adam didn't even know so much as an anec-
dote.

Cain, when he made his appearance, was
the first aud only boy in tho fair young

world. And all his education depended on
his inexperienced parents, who had never in
their lives seen a boy until theyi saw C.iin.
And there wasn't an educ itional help in the
market. There wasn't an alphabet block in
the county ; not even a ( entonnial illustrated
handKerciiief. There were nu othe^ ii^-j^ in
the republic to teach y<''n!:, ('aiu to Jic, arjd
swear, .niid smoke, Mid drink, fi^lit, aud
steal, iUiil thus devel<i[( the b(<y'a doniiiiLit
statesmanship" and prepare him for the stfrntr
political duties of his nialurcr years. There
wasn't a pocket knife in the universe that h«
cDuid borrow — and lose, and when he wanted
to cut his linger, as all boys nmst do, now
aud then, he hail to cut it with a cliim shell.
There were no country relalii iis upuii whom
little Cain could be iullictcd fur two or three
weeks at a time, when Jiis wearied parents
wanted a little rest. Tliere ^' is nothing for
him to jday wiih. A(l;au ''.luiil.i't sliow him
how to make a kite. He hail a much better
idea, of angels' wings than he had of a kite.
And if little Cain had even asked for such a
simple bit of mechanism as a shinny club,
Adam would have gone out into the depthi
of the primeval forest and wept in sheer mor-
tification and helpless, confessed ignorance.
I don't wonder that Cain turned out bad. I
always said he would. For his entire educa*
tion depended upon a most ignorant man, a
man in the very palmiest days of his ignor-
ance, who couldn't have known kss if he had
tried all his life on a high salary and had a
man to help him. And the boy's education
had to be conducted entirely upon the cate-
chetical system ; ouly, in this instance, the
boy pupil ask 3d the questions, and his parent
teachers, heaven help them, tried to answer
them. And they had to answer at them.
For they could not take refuge from th«
steady stream of questions that poured in
upon them day after day, by interpolating a
fairy story, ay you do when your boy asks
you questions about something of which
you never heard. For how could Adam
begin, "Once upon a time," when with one
quick, incisive question, Cain could pin him
right back against the dead wall of creation,
and make him either specify exactly what
time, or acknowledge the fraud ? How could
Eve tell him about "Jack and the bean stalk,"
when Cain, fairly crazy for some one to play
with, knew perfectly well there was not,
and never had been, another boy ou the
plantation ? And as day by day Cain
brought home things in his hands about
which to ask questions, that uo mortal could
answer, tow (jrateful his bewildered parents
j must have been that he bad no pockets in
I which to transport his collections. For many
I generations came into the fair young world,
I got into no end of trouble, aud died out of it,

before a b
to make
greater th
thatsavei'
insanity
little Cait
ance of th
talked to
have gon(
of the eai
look after
her boy
have bee
like a luf
Becaus
work ai
in those
was crov
by the
ingly unf
by, prod
and Cain
pa ! wha
to saw
Sunday,

OF TflR MUSTACHE.

inded on
never in
iw Cain.
p iu the
block in
ustrated
''./■^ la

t .stfriicr

before a boy's pocket solved the problem how
to make tlie thing coutaiueil seven times
greater than the container. Tiie only tiling
thatsaved Adam aiid Kvet'iominterrogational
insanity was the paucity of language. If
little Cain had po3.«iessed the verbal abund-
ance of the language in which men are to-day
talked to death, his father'.s bald head would
have gone down in shining Higlit to the ends
of the earth to escape hiiri, leaving Kve to
look after the stock, save the croji, and raise
her boy as best she could. Which wmild
have been, f),0()0 years ago, as to-day, just
like a man.

Because, it was no offhand, absent-minded
work answering questions about things |
in those spacious old days tIicu there j
was crowds of room, and everything grew I
by the acre. When a placid, but exceed- :
ingly unanimous looking animal went rolling
by, producing tlic general cHect of an eclipse, '
and Cain wouM shunt, " Oh, lookee, lookee ]
pa ! what's that ?" the patient Adam, trying
to saw enou;;li kitchen wood to last over ;
Sunday, with a iiiece of flint, would have to 1
pause and gather up words enough to say : j

" That, my son ? That is only a mastodon !
giganteu3 ; he lias a bad look, Init a Chris- ■
tian temi)er. " j

And then, presently :

" Oh, pop ! pop ! What's that over yon ?" |

"Oh, bother," Adam wouM reply; " it's i
only a paleotlierium, inauiinalia pachyder-
mata. "

"Oh, yes; theliocomeaftcrus. Oh ! lookeo,
lookee at this 'un !"

" Where, Caimiy ? Oh, that in the mud ?
That's only an ace[»halia lamelli branchiata.
It won't bite you, but you musii't eat it. It's
poison as politics, "'

" Whee ! See there ! see, see, see I What's
him ?"

"Oh, that? Ijooks like a plesiosaurus ;
keep out of his way ; he has a jaw like your
mother,"

" Oh yes ; a plenosserus. And what's that
fellow, poi>py ?"

"That's a silurns malapterus. Don't you
go near him, for lie lias the disposition of a
Ueorgia mule. "

" Oh, yes ; a Rla])terua.
little one ?"

" Oh, it's nothing but
Where did you get it'?
throwing stones at that acanthopterygian ; do
you want to be kicked? And keep away
from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My
stars, Eve ! where did he get that anonaceo-
hydrocharideo-nymphieoid ? Do you never
look after him at all? Here, you Cain, get
right away down from there, and chase that
megalosauriuH out of the melon patch, or I'll
set the monopleuro brauchian on you. "

And what's this

an aristolochioid.
There now, quit

Just think of it. Christian man with a
family to support, with last year's stock on
your slielves, and a draft as long as a clothes-
line to pay to-mo./ow ! Think of it, woman
with all a woman's love and constancy, and
a woman's sympathetic nature, with three
meals a day 3().) times a year to think of,
and the Hies to chase out of the sitting-
room ; think, if your cherub boy was the
only boy in the wide wide world, and all his
(jucstions whicTi now radiate in a thousand
directions auKjng other boys, who tell iiim
lies and help him to cut his eye-teeth, were
focused upon ! Adam had only one consida-
ti(ni that has been denied his more remote
descendants. His boy never belonged tt) a
base ball club, and never teased his father
from tiie first of Xovembcr till the last of
March for a pair of skates.

Well, you have no time to pity .Adam.
You have your own boy to loOiC after. Or,
your neiglibour has a boy, whom you can
look after much more closely than his
mother does, and much more to your own
satisfaction than to the boy's comfort. Your
l,>oy is, as Adam's boy was, an animal that
asks questions. If there were any truth in
the ol I theory of the transmigration of souls,
when a boy dieil he would ])ass into an inter-
rogation point. And he'd stay there. He'd
never get out of it ; for he never gets through
asking questions. The older he grows the
more he asks, and the more perplexing his
questions are, and the more unreasonable
he is about wanting them answered to su't
himself. Why, the oldest boy I ever knew —
he was fifty-seven years old, and I went to
school to him — could and did ask the longtst,
hardest, crookedest questions, that no
fellow, who used to trade of all
his boolis for a pair of skates
and a knife with a corkscrew in
t, could answer. And when his questions
were not answered to suit him, it was his
custom — a custom more honoured iu the
; bree dies, we used to think, than in the ob-
i Ecrvance — to take up a long, slender, but
I exceedingly tenacious rod, which lay ever
• near the big dictionary, and smite with it
I the boy whose naturally derived Adamic ig-
j uorancc was made manifest. Ah me, if the
I boy could only do as he is done by, and fer-
I ule the man or woman who fails to reply to
: his inquiries, as he is himself corrected for
j similar ahortcomitigs, what a valley of tears,
what a literally howling wilderness he could
and would make of this world.

Your boy, asking to-day pretty much the
same questions, with heaven knows how
many additional ones, that Adam's boy did,
is told every time he asks one that you don't
know anything about, just as Adam told
Cain fifty times a day, that he will know all

THE RISE AND FALL

about it when he in a mean. And so from | sends the entire family to the cemetery hy
the (lays of Cain down to the present wick- ! making practical tests of his teas,
eder generation of boys, the boy ever looks I And as hia knowledge broadens,
forward to the time when he will be a man ' his human superstition develops

.and know everything. That happy, far | itself. He has a formula, repeat-
away, omniscient, unattainable )nanhood, j iny which nine times a daj', wlii!e pointing
which never comes to your iioy ; which his finger fixedly toward the sun, will cause
would never come to him if he lived a ! warts to dinappear from the hand, or, to use
tliou.sand years; manliood, that like boy- 1 his own expression, will " knock warts." If
hood, evtr looks forward from day to day to ; the eight day clock at home tells liim it is
the morrow ; still peering into the future for ' two o'clock, and the Hying leaves of the dan-
brighter light and broader knowledge : day ' deliou declare it is half-past Hve, he will
after day, as its world opens I.efore it, ' stanil or fall with the dandel on. He has u
stundding up<m ever new and unsolred inys- foi mula, V)y which any thing that has been
terit-s ; manhood, wliose wis loui is folly and lost may be found. He has, above all things,
whose light is often darkness, and whose a natural, infallible instinct for the woods,
knowledge Is .selrishness ; manhood, that so : and can no more l)e lost in them than a squir-
often looks over its shoulder and glances j rel. If the cow does not come home — and if
back toward loyliood, wli^n its knowleilge i she is a town cow, like a town man, she does
was at least always e(pial to its day ; man- not come home tliree nights in the week —
hood, that a'tcr groping for years through ! you loose half a day of valuable time looking
tangled labyrinths of failing human tlieories , for her. Then you pay a man three d(dlars
and tottering human wisdom, at last only 1 to look for lier two d.-ij's longer, or so long as
rises to the sublimity of childhood, only , the apjjropriation holds out. Finally, a
reuchcs'the grandeur of boyhood, and acce])t3 ' quarter sends a boy to the woods ; he comes
the grandest, eternal truths of the universe, back at milking time, whistling the tune
truths that it does not comprehend, truths ; that no man ever imitated, and the cow am-
that it cannot, by searching, lind out, ac- \ bles contentedly along before him. He has
cepting and believing them with the . iniple, one particular marble which he regards with
umjuestioning faith of childhood in Truth , about the same superstitious reverence that
itself. I a pagan does his idol, and his Sunday-school

An i now, your boy, not entirely ceasing i teacher can't drrve it out of him, either,
to ask questions, begins to answer them, un- , Carnelian, crystal, bull's eye, china, pottery,
til you stand amazed at the breadth and : boly. blood alley, or coinmie, whatever he
depth of his knowh dge. He asks questions I may call it, there is " luck in it." When he
and gets answers of teachers that you and | loses this marble, he sees panic and bank-
the school liomd know nothing of. Day by ! ruptcy ahead of him, an<l retires from busi-

day, great unprip.tcd books, upon the broad
pages of M Inch the hand of nature has traced
characters that only a boj' can read, are

ness prudently, before the crash comes, fail-
ing, in the true centennial style, with both
pockets and a cigar box full of winnings, and

sinead out betorc him. He knows now | a creditors' meeting in aback room. A Ixiy's
where the (irst snov,--drop lifts its tiny head. | world is o]ien to no one but a boy. You
a pearl on the bottom of the liarreii eait'i, in i never really revisit the glimpses of yi.ur boy-
the iSpriiig; he kiiovs where the last Indian ! liood, much as you dream of it. After you

i)iiik lingers, a fl.urie in the brown and ruist- i get into a tail coat, and tipht Vxiots, you never
ing woods, in the autuiiin dajs. His pock-j again set foot in boy v\or]d. 'Sou lose this
ets arc cabir.ets, from wliieli hi: drag.s cnrious ■ marvellous instinct for t!ic woods, you can't
fossils tiiat he does not knov,' tlie names of; | tell a ]ii>j:-nut tree fn-r.) a pec:ui tree ; you
monstrous and hideous beetles and bugs and

things that j'ou never saw before, and for
which he h: s apjTojriate names of hisov.;:^
He hiiows where there are three oriel s
iiosts, and so far as you t\'vn rem em 1 '■;■•. you
never s;iw an oriole's nest in your life. He
can tell yon liow to distinguish tlie good
mushrooms from the poisonous one**, and
])oiRon grapes from good ones, and how he
ever round out ex(;ei)t by eating both kinds,
is a inysteiy to hi^ motiier. Every root,
T)U<1, betrv ir baric, that will make any Itit-
ter, horrible, semi-]joi8onous tea, rejnited to
have marvellous medii'inal virtues, he knows
where to find, and brings home, and all but

can't make friends with strange dogs ; you
can't mnketlicterriHcnoises with your mouth,
you can't invent the inimitable signals or the
characteristic catehwords of boyhood.

He is getting on, is your boy. He reaches
the dime novel uge. He wants to lie a mis-
sionary. Or a'pii'ate. So fai- as he expresses
any i)refeiei)ce, he would rather be a pirate,
an occujiation in which there are more chances
for making money, and fewer o])j)0) tunities
for I'eiiiu devoured. He develops a yearning
love for school and study about this time,
also, and everv time he dreams of being a pi-
rate he dreams of hanging his dear teacher
at the yard arm in the presence of the de-

lightetl sc
more rapi'
In the }
street, ar
is a patch
his neck <
to drown
He whisp
dinary, c
He excha
his father
liviu'g in t
teresting
mediate
satisfai'ti
less d'sn
hatred f
walking
feet nevi
and his I
using it ;
the othe
less habi
water pi
the saint
the drye
manages
the car]
door m;
years ol
a scrapt
time, \k
out mys
of the w
larity, a
tidence,
buy hiii
hat in
than lit
it up tl
the cro
hat rac
son Cr
make
harder
casion,
shelve
itself,
water
of me
he giv
When
clotht
cause
philoi
rrof.
Becai
see T
cing
link,
are
wait
fort

OF THE MUSTACHE.

etery by lighted SL-holars. His voice develops, even
more rapiilly and thorouirhly than his morals,
roadens, In the jard, on the houae too, down the

develops street, around the corner ; wherever there

repeat- is a patch of i ; big enough for him to breaii

pointing his neck on, or a pond of water »leep enough

ill cause to drown in, the voice of ymir boy is heard.

)r, to use He whispers in a shout, and converses, in or- 1

'.rts. ■' Ff dinary, confiilential moments, in a shriek. !

him ii is He exchan,L;ea bits of back-fenee gossip about I

the dan- his father s domestic matters witli the boy :

he will living in the a'ljaieufc township, to which in- j

Je lias a teresting revelations of home life the inter- 1

las been mediate neighl)ourhood listens with inten.se |

1 things, satisfaction, and the two home circles in help- |

e woods, less dismay. He has an unconqueralde |

a squir- hatred f >r company, and an aversion for

e — and if walking dawn stairs. For a year or two his !

she does feet never touch the stairway in hisdescent, |

week — and his habit of polishing t lie stair rail by ;

e looking using it as a passenger tramway, soon breaks ■

e dollars the other members of the family of the care- |

less habit of setting the hall lamp or the ;
water pitcher on the baUister post. He wears !
the same sized boots as his father ; ynd on i
the dryest, <lustiest days in the year, always j
manages to convey some mud on '
the carpets. He carefully steps over the |
door mat, and until he is about seventeen j
years old, he actually never knew there was
a scraper at the front porch. About this
time, bold but inartistic pencil sketches break
out mysteriously on the alluring back ground
of the w 11 paper. He asks, with great regu-
larity, alarming frequency, and growing dif-
lidence, for j, new hat. You might as well
buy him a new dispositi(m. He wears his
hat in the air and on the ground far more
than he does on his head, and he never hang?
it up that he doesn't pull the hook through
the crown ; unless the hook breaks off or the
hat rack pulls over. Ho is a perfect Robin-
son Crusoe in inventive genius. He can
make a kite that will lly higher and pull
harder than a biilloon. He can, and, on oc-
casion, will, lake out a couple of the pantry
shelves and make a sled that i.s amazement
itself. The mouse-trap he builds out of the
water pitcher and tliefan jly bible is a marvel
of meciiaiiic.il ingenuity tSo is the excuse
he gives for such a sele(.:tii ii of raw niaterial.
When suddenly, some Monday morning, tho
clothes line, \\itliout any just or appaiciit
cause or provocation, shrinks sixteen feet,
philosophy can not lu.vke yon believe that
Prof. Tice' did it with his little barometer.
Because, far down the dusty street, you can
see T(nn in the dim ilistance, driving a pran-
cing team, six-in-luvnd, with the missing
link. You send him on an errand. There
are three ladies in the parlour. Yon have
waited, as long as you can, in all courtesy,
for them to go. They iiave develoijed alarm-

ing symptoms of staying to tea. And you
knew there aren't half enough strawberries
to go around. It is only three minutes' walk
to the grocery, however, and Tom sets off
like a rocket, and you are so pleased with
his celerity and ready good nature that you
want to run after him and kiss him. He is
gone a long time, however. Ten minutes be-
come fifteen, fifteen grow into twenty ; the
twenty swell into the half hour, and your
guests exchange very significant glances as
the half becomes three-quarters. Your boy
returns at la.st. Apiirehension in his down-
cast eyes, humi'ity in his laggard step, peni-
tence in the appealing slouch of his battered
hat, and a pound and a half of shingle nails
in his liands. "Mother," he says, "what
else was it you told me to get besides the
nails '( ' And while you are counting your
scanty store of berries to make them go
round without a fraction, you hear Tom out
in the back yard whistling and hammering
away, building a dog houae with the nails
you never told him to get.

Poor Tom, he loves at this age quite as ar-
dently as he makes mistakes and mischief.
And ho is repulsed quite as ardently as he
makes love. If he hugs his sister, he musses
her rufHe, and gets cuffed for it. Two hi ura
later, another boy, not more than twenty-
two or twenty-three years older than Tom,
some neighbour's Tom, will come in, and will
just make the most hopeless, terrible, chaotic
wreck of that ruffle that lace or footing can
be distorted into. And the only reproof he
gets is the reproachful murmur," Must he go
so soon ? ' when he doesn't make a movement
to go until he hears the alarm clock go off up
stairs and the old gentleman in the adjoining
room banging around building the morning
tires, and loudly wondering if young Mr.
Bostwick is going to stay to breakfast ?

Tom is at this age set in deadly enmity
against company, \vhich he soons learns tore-
garn as his mortal foe. He regards con-pany
, as a mysterious and eminently respectful
I delegation that always stays to di::uer,
i invariably crowds liitn to the second table,
I never leaves him any of the pie,
I aiid generally makes him late for
1 tichool. Naturally, he learns to h)ve refined
society, but in a conservative, nun-commit-
tal sort of a way, dissembling his love so
eliectually that even his parents never dream
of its existence until it is gone.

P(.>or Turn, his life is not all comedy at
this period. Go up to your boy's room some
night, and his sleeping face will preach yon
a sermon on the griefs and troubles that
sometimes weigh his little heart down almost
to breaking, more eloquently than the lips
of a Spufgeou could picture them. The cur-
tain has fallen on one day's act in the uiama

THE RISE AND FALL

of his active little life. The resUess little
feet that all day long have pattered ao far —
down diifity streetH, over scorching pave-
ments, tlirough long stretches of quiet
wooded lanes, along the winding cattle paths
in the derp. .silent wood.s ; that have dahhled
in the cool brook.s where it wrangles and
scolds over tlie shining pebbles, that have
filled your house with noise and dust and
racket, ^are still. The stained hand outside
the sheet is soileil and rough, and the cut
finger with the rude bandage of the boy's
own surgery, pleads with a mute, effective
pathos of its own, for the mischievous hand
that is never idle. On the brown cheek the
trace of a tear marks the piteous close of the
day's troubles, the closing scene in the
troubled drama ; trouble at school with
books that were too many for him ; trouble
with temptations to have unlawful fun that
were too strong for him, as they are fre-
quently too strong for his father ; trouble in
the street with ])oys that were too big for
him ; and at iant, in his home, in his castle,
his refuae, trouble has pursued him until,
feeling ut^erlj* friendless and in everybody's
way, he lias crawled off to the dismantled
den, dignified by the title of "the boy's
room," and liis over-charged heart has welled
up into his eyes, and his last waking breath
has broken into a sol), and just as he begins
to think that after all, life is only one broad
sea ot troubles, whose restless billows, in
never-ending succession, break and beat and
double and dash upon the short shore line of
a boy's life, he has drifted away into the
wonderland of a boy's sleep, where fairy fin-
gers picture his dreams. How soundly,
deeply, peacefully he sleeps. No' mother
who has never dragged a sleepy boy ott" the
lounge at 9 o'clock, and hauled him off up
stairs to bed, can know with what a hercu-
lean grip a square sleep takes hold of a boy's
senses, nor how fearfully and wonderfully
limp and nerveless it makes him ; nor how,
in direct antagonism to all established laws
of anatomy, it deveiops'i joints that work
both ways, all the way up and down that
boy. And what pen can portray the wonder-
ful enchantment of a boy's dreamland ! No
marvellous visions wrought by the weird,
strange power of hasheesh, no dreams that
come to the sleep of jaded woman or tired
man, no ghastly spectres that dance atten-
dance upon cold mince pie, but shrink into
tiresome, stale, and tiifling commonplaces
compared with the marvellous, the grotesque,
the wonderful, the terrible, the beautiful and
the enchanting scenes and people of a boy's
dreamland. "This may be owing, in a gi-eat
measure, to the fact that the boy never
relates his dream until all the other members
of the family have related theirs ; and^then he

comes in, like a back country, with the ne-
cessary majority ; like the directory of a
western city, following the census of a rival
town.

Tom is a miniature Ishmaelite at this
period of his career. His hand is against
every man, and about every man's hand, and
nearly every woman's hand, is against him,
ofl[" and on. Often, and then the iron enters
his soul, the hand that is .against him holds
the slipper. He wears his mother's
slipper on his jncket quite as often as
she wears it on her foot. And this is all
wrong, unchristian and unpolitic. It spreads
the slipper and discoaroges the boy. When
he reads in his Sunday-school lesson that the
wicked stand on slippery places, he takes it
as a direct personal reference, and he is af-
fronted, and maybe the seeds of atheism are
implanted in his breast. Moreover, this re-
peated application of the slipper not only
sours his temper, and gives a bias to his
moral ideas, but it sharpens his wits. How
many a Christian mother, her soft eyes
swimmin|2 in tears of real jjain that plashed
up from the depths of a loving heart, as she
bent over her wayward boy until his heart-
rending wails and piteous shrieks drowned
her own choking sympathetic sobs, has been
wasting her strength, and wearing out a
good slipper, and pouring our all that price-
less riood of mother love and duty and pity
and tender sympathy upon a concealed atlas-
back, or a Saginaw shingle.

It is a historical fact that no boy is ever
whipped twice for precisely the same offence.
He varies and improves a little on every rep-
etition of the prank, until at last he reaches
a point where detection is almost impossible.
He is a big boy then, and glides almost im-
perceptibly from the discipline of his father,
under the surveillance of the police.

By easy stages he passes into the uncom-
fortable period of boyhood. His jacket de-
velops into a tail-coat. The boy of to-day,
who is slipped into a hollow, unabbreviated
mocker> of a tail-coat, when he is taken out
of long dresses, has no idea — not the faintest
conception ( f the grandeur, the momentous
importance of the epoch in a boy's life that
was marked by the transition from the old-
fashioned cadet roundabout to the tail-coat,
it is an experience that heaven, ever chary
of its choicest blessings, and mindful of the
decadence of the race of boys, has not vouch-
safed to the untoward, forsaken boys of this
wicked generation. When the roundabout
went out of fashion, the heroic race of boya
passed away from earth, and weeping nature
sobbed and broke the moulds. "The fashion
that started a boy of six years on his pil-
grimage of life iu a miniature edition of his
father s coat, marked » period of retrogrea-

II.

OF THE MUSTACHE.

th the ne-

ctory of a

of a rival

e at this
is against
hand, and
ainst him,
iron enters
him liolds
mother's
often as
this is all
It spreads
y. When
n that the
le takes it
he is af-
theism are
r, this re-
not only
ias to his
its. How
soft eyes
,t plashed
irt, as she
liis heart-
drowned
has been
■iiig out a
lat price-
and pity
aled atlas-

oy is ever
le od'ence.
3 very rep-
le reaches
npossible.
Imost im-
lis father,

e uncom-
acket de-
f to-day,
breviated
iaken out
e faintest
jmeutous
life that
1 the old-
tail-coat,
er chary
ul of the
)t vouch-
es of this
[ndabout
I of boys
g nature
i fashion
1 his pil-
}n of hia
itrogrea-

sion in the aftairs of men, and stamped a de-
cayinj^ and dogenerate race. Tliere arc no
bo3'3 now, or very few at least, such as peo-
pled tlie grand old earth wlien the men of
our age wore boys And tliat it is so, socie-
ty is to be congratulated. The step from
the roundabout to the tail-coat was a leap in
life. It was tiie buy lulus, dotting tho /ir<'-
tcpjr.ta and flinging upon his slionlderss tlio
hji/n viri,ll.-< of .lulius : I'atroclus, donning thi;
armour of Achilles, in which to go for'.li and
be Hectored to death.

Tom is slow to realize the grandeur of that
tail-coat, liowcver, on its trial trip. How
differently it fools from his good, snug- fit-
ting, comfortable old jacket. It tits him
too nuicli in every direction, lie knows.
Every now and then he stops, witli a gasj) of
terror, feelnig positive, from tlie awful sensa-
tion of nothiuL'uess about tiio neck, that the
entire collar has fallen otF lu the street.
The tails are i)rairio'<, the pockets are cav-
erns, and the liack is one vast, illimitable,
stretching waste. How Touisiilles along as
close to tJH! fence as lie can scrajie, a" 1 what
a wary eye he keeps in every direction for
other boys. When lie forgets the school, he
is half tempted to feel proud of his toga ; but
when he thinks of the boys, and the recep-
tion that awaits him, his heart sinks, and he
is tempted to go l)ack home, squeak tij) stairs,
and rescue his worn tdd jacket from the rag-
bag. He glances in terror at his distorted
shadow on the fence, and, confident
that it is a faithfid outline nf
his figure, he knows that he h;is
worn his father's coat off by mistake. He
tries various methods of buttoning his coat,
to make it conform nu)re harmoniously to his
figure and his ideas of tlie eternal fitness of
things. He buttons just the lever
button, and immediately it Hies allabroal at
the shoulders, and he beholds himself an
exaggerated maunikin of "C'ap'n Cuttle."
Then he fastens just the upper buttons, and
the frantic tails flap and flutter like a clothes-
line in a cyclone. Then he buttons it all up,
a la militairp, and tries to Iof>k soldierly, but
the effect is so theological-studently that it
frightens him until his heart stops beating.
As he reaches the last friendly corner that
shields him from the pitiless gaze of the boys
he can hear howling and shrieking not fifty
yards away, he pauses to give the final ad-
justment to the manly and unmanageable
raiment. It is bigger and looser. Happier
and wri»klier than ever. New and startling
folds, and unexpected wrinkles, and uncon-
templated bulges develop themselves, like
masked batteries, just when and where their
effect will be most demoralizing. And a new
horror discloses itself at this trying and awful
jancture. He wants to lie down on the side-

walk and try to die. For the first time he
notices the colour of his coat. Hiiicous ! He
has b(!en duped, swindled, betrayed - made a
monstrous idiot by tliat siIver-tontiiu;d sales-
miiu, who iias palmed off upon him a coat
2,0()() years old ; a coat that the most
sweetly enthusiastic anil terribly niisinforuioil
women's missionary society would hesitate to
otf'er a wild Hottentot ; ami wtiich tlio most
benighted, old-fashioned Hottentot that ever
disdained clotlies, would certainly blush to
wear in the d;i.rk, and wouhl probably driclino
with thanks. Oh madness! 'Lne colour is
no coli>ur. It is all cokairs. It is a brindle
— a vcritalile, untleniable brindle. 'i'lmro
must have been a faViulons auKUUit of brindle
cloth made up into boys" first coats, sixteen
or eighteen or nineteen years ago ; because,
f)ut of S!»4 — I like to bo exact in the use of
figures, because nothing else in the world
lends such an air of profound truthfulness to
a discourse- (Viit of 8'.)4 Iioyu I knew in their
lirt^t tail-coat pel iod. 8tl.S c;i;ne to sidiool in
brindle coats. And the other one —tlie 804th
boy — made his wretciied debut in a bottle-
green toga, with dreailful glaring l)rass but-
tons. He left school very suddenly, and we
always believed tliat the angels saw him in
that coat, and ran away with him. But Tom,
shivering with apprehension, and faint witii
mortiticati(Ui over the discovery of this new
horror, gives one lawt despairing si^rooch of
his shoulders, to make the coat hiok shorter,
and, with a liiial frantic tug at the tails, to
make it apjiear longer, steps oat from the
protecting' a>gis of tne corner, is stunned with
a vocal hurricane of "Oh, what a coat !" and
his cup of misery is as full as a rag-bag in
three minutes.

Passing into the tail coat period, Tom
awakens to a knowledge of the lu'oad physi-
cal truth, that he has hands. He is not very
positive in his own mind how many. At
times he is ready to swear to an even l.vo ;
one pair ; gootl hand. Again, when cruel
fate and the liou-appearanco or some one's
else brother has conifielled him to accompany
his sister to a church sociable, he can see
eleven ; and as he sits bolt ujjright in the
grimmest of straight-back chairs, plastered
right up against the wall, as the "sociable "
custom is, or used to be, trying to find
enough unoccupied pockets in which to
sequester all his hands, he is dimly conscious
that hands should come in pairs, and vaguely
wonders, if he has only five pair of regularly
ordained hands, where this odd hand came
from. And hitherto, Tom has been content to
encase his feet in anything that would stay
on them. Now, however, he has an eye for
a glove-fitting boot, and learns to wreathe his
face in smiles, hollow, heartless, deceitful
smiles, while his boots are as full of agony

THE RISE AND FALL

&B a broken heart, and his tortured feet cry
out for vengeance upon the shoemaker, and
make Tom feel that life is a hollow mockery
and there is nothing real but soft corns and
bunions.

And : His mother never cuts his hair
again. Never. Wlien Tom assumes the
manly gown she has looked her last upon his
head, with trimming ideas. His hair will he
trimmed and clipped, barberously it may be,
but she will not be acscissory before the fact.
She may sometimes long to have her boy
kneel down l)efore her, while she gnaws
around his terrified locks with a pair of scis-
sors that were sharpened when they were
made ; and have since then cut acres of
calico, and miles and miles of paper, and
great stretches of cloth, and snarls and coils
of string ; and furlongs of lamp wick ; and
have suutfed caudles ; and dug refractory
corks out of the family ink bottle; and
punched holes in skate straps ; and trimmed
the family nails ; and have even done their
level best, at the annual struggle, to cut
stove-pipe lengths in two; and have success
fully 0|->ened oyster and fruit cans; and prieo
up carpet tacks; and have many a time and
oft gone snarlingly and toilsomely around
Tom's head, :ind made him an object of
terror to tlie children in the street, and made
hiiu look so much like a yearling colt with
tlie run of a bur pasture, tliat jieople have
been afraid to approach him too suddenly,
lest he tjl.ould jump through his collar and
run away.

He fee's tor, tlie dawning consciousness of
another grand truth in the human economy.
It dawns upon his deepening intelligence with
the inlierent strength and tlie unquestioned
truth of a new revelation, that man's upper
li[) was clesigneil by naturo for a niustacho
pasture. How tenderly nsscrved ho is wlien
he is l)roiiilini|, over this momentousdihcoveiy.
With what exquisite caution and delicacy
arc his primal iuvcstiLratioiis conducted. In
Ins niicroM;(i| io.d resoarcuv:", it a]Hiears In
him that tlic down on his upper lip is cer-
tainly ninie dettr.nineddown ; more positive,
more proiiduiiccil. more iiidivuliiiil fiiz/ than
that ^viiich vcLietates in neglected teudtinies.i
upon liis cht'Dlvs. iliMuakes cautious explor-
ations ailing the land of promise with tiie tip
of iii.s L"nderes linger, delicately l)acking up
the grade the wrong wny, going always
a^'ain>t the grain, that he may the more
readily detect the slightest symptom of an
uprising ))y the linst feeling of velvet} re-
siataiuje. Ami day by day lie is more and
more lirmly ciuivincod tliat there isin his li|>,
the primordial germs, the [)rotophism of a
gicuy that will, in its full devilopment,
eclipse even the majesty and grandeur of hia

first tail eoat. And in the first dawning
consciousness that the mustache is there, lik«
the vote, ami only needs to be brought out,
how often Tom walks down to the baiber
shop, gazes longingly in at the window, and
walks past. And how often, when he
musters up sufficient courage to go in, and
climbs into the chair, and is just on the
point oi huskily whispering to the barber
that he would like a shave, the entrance of a
man with a beard like Frederick Barbarossa,
frightens away his resolution, and he has his
hair cut again. The third time that week,
and it is so short that the barber has
to hole' it with his teeth while he files
it off, and parts it with a straight
edge and a scratch awl. Naturally driven
from the barber chair, Tom casts longing eyes
upon the ancestral shaving machinery at
home. And whi> shall say by what means
he at length obtains possession of the pater-
nal razor? No one. Nobody knows. No-
body ever did know. Even the searching
investigation that always follows the paternal
demand for the immetliate extradition of
whoever opened a fruit can with tliat razor,
which always fullows Tom's iirst shave, is
always, and ever will be, barren of results,
All that we know about it is, that Tom holds
the razor in his hand about a minute, won-
dering what to do with it, before ilie blade
falls across his lingers and cuts every one of
them. First blood claimed and allowed, for
the lazor. Then he straps the razor furiously.
Or rather, he razors the strap. He slashes
and cuts that pas'sive implement in as many
directions as he can make motions with t!ie
razor. He would cut it oftener if the strap
lasted longer. Then he nicks the razor
against the side of the mug. Tlien he drops
it on the floor and steps on it and nicks it
again. They are small nicks, not ho large by
half as a saw tooth, and he ilatters iniiisclf
his father will never see thoiu. Thtn ho
soaks the razor in hot vvatfr, as he has seen
his father do. Then he takes it our, at a
ti'inperature anyvvlicre under 980 - I'alin'u-
I heit, and lays ic aiiainst his tdicck. and raises
a Ijli.'vtor there tin? size of the razor, as he
never .saw his father do, but aa 'lis father
I most assniedly di ', many, many yrars liefnro
Tom met him. Then he made a variety of
indcscriltable i.;riniac<s and laltial contortions
iu a frcnzieil t^trort to get hi* upjier lij) into
approachable shape, and at last, the (bst of-
fer he makes at his embryo mustache, he
slashes his nope w ith a vigorous uoper cut.
He gashes the corners of liismontli ; wliere-
es'cr those nicks touch his clicelc they leave
a scratch apiece, and he hams what a good
nick in a raifor is for, and at last when he
liys the lOood stained weajxmdoM'n. his gory
li[) looks as though it liad just come out of a

OF THE MUSTACHE.

; dawning

there, lika

)iij;ht out,

ihe haiber

idow, and

when he

|o in, and

Lst on the

the bather

tniiiee of a

{arliiirossa,

he has !iis

thiit week,

)arber has

le he files

straight

illy driven

jiigingeyes

hinery at

hat means

the pater-

lows. No-

e searching

he paternal

riiditiou of

tliat razor,

st shave, is

1 of results,

Tom holds

innte, won-

e ihe blade

jvery one of

allowed, for

)r furiously.

He slashes

in as many

ma with tl-.e

if the strap

the razor

len he drops

.nd nicks it

1 so lnri;e by

ters iiiiiiself

. Thrn ho

he lins seen

it our, at a

)- Kahrcn-

V. 'Mul laises

•azor, ;is he

s 'lis father

yfars liefuro

n v:iricty of

contortions

ipiT lip into

Ihe first, of-

lUi^t.'ifhe, he

niiper cut.

ifh ; where-

k they leave

N'hat a good

Mst when he

iwn, his gory

onie out of a

long, stubborn, exciting contest with a straw roots, and will know just as much as ignorant,
cutter. untaught, 'stupid little Cain knew on the

But he learns to shave, after a while— just same subject, Vcaj- after year, century after
before he cuts his lip clear off. He has to unfolding century, how true it is that the
take quite a course of instruction, however, lion on the fence is always bigj.'er, ticicer,
in that great school of expcriem e about ' and more given to majestic attUudes and
which the old philosopher hud a remark to dniniutic situations than the lion in the tent,
make. It is a grand old school; the only j And yet it costs us, often as the circu.s comes
school aD which men will study and learn, L-iniMnd, tifty ctyits to find that out.
each for himself. One man's expenencel But while we have been moralizing, Tom's
never does another man any good; never | mustache has taken a start. It has attained
did and never will teach auLchtr man any- i the nhvsii;al density, though not tlie colour,
thing. If the philosopher had said it was a | by any means, of the Egyptian daikness—
hard school, but t.hat .^onie men would learn j it '-an be felt; and it is felt ; very s- oft felt.
atno other than this graml old school of ex- ! The world begins to ake notice ot the new-
pcience, we might have inferred that all i comer ; and Toni, as generations of '1 oms be-
women, and most l)oys, ami a few men were i fore lam have done, patiently < iidures dark
exempt from its hard teachings. fJut he ! hints from other members of the family about
used the more comprehensive term, if you re- i his face being dirty- He loftily ignores his
member what that is, and took us all in. We I experienced father's suggestions that he
have all been there. 'J'liere is no other school, . shnulil perform his tonsorial toilet with a
in fact. Poor little t,'ain ; dear, lonesome, | spoonful of cream and the family cat. When
wicked little (.'ain — 1 know it isn't fashion- | his sisters, in meekly dissembled ignorance
able to pet him : I know it is popular to j and innocence, imjuire, "Tom, what liam
8i)eak harshly a:id savagely about our widest ' j'ou on your lip ? " he is austere, as becomes
brother, when the fact is we resemble him ! a man annoyed by the frivolous small talk of
more closely in disposition than any other ' women. Antl when his younger l>iother
member «)f the family— poor little Cain ' takes advantage of the presence of a nu-
uever knew the dilference between his i merous company in the house, to shriek over
father s sunburned nose and a glowing coal, ] the baluster- up stairs, apparently tn any boy
until lie had pulled the one and jiicked nj) ! anywhere this side of China, "'i'om's a raisin'
the other. And Abel had to find out thodif- | inustashers ! " Tom smiles, a w.m, neglect-
ference in tiie same vay, although he was ' cd-oiphan smile ; a smile that looks as though
told five hundred times, Sy his biother's ex- ! it had come up on his taee to weep over the
perience, that the coal would burn him and I barrenness of the land ; a perfect ghost of a
the nose wouldn't. And Cain's boy wouUln't i smile, as compared with the rugged 7x9
believe that fire was any hotter than an i smiles that play like animated crescents over
icicle, until he made a digital e.vperiment, ' tlie countenances of the comiuiny. iiut the
and understood why tliey called it tire. And ' mustache grows Jt conns on apace ; very
80 Enoch and Methuselah, unl Moses, and , short m the middle, very no longer at the
Daniel, and Solomon, anil (jesar, and Na- ends, and very blonde all round. Whenever
noleon, and Washington, and the you see such a mustache, do noi. lauuh at it ;
Vresidcnt, and the C>overiior, and the ilo not point at the slow, iiiimoviii;_' linger of
M.iyor, and you and i, have all senrn. I'.rii'uur'age it; speak kindly ot' it;
ofn.-^,at orictniKMM' another, in one way or an- allcet admiration forit ; eo.ix italong. I'ray
other, burned our tiiijiers at the s;iuic old f')r it-for it is a first. I'hey aiuays come
fires thit have -corchcd iiunian lingers in tlu; , that way. And when, in the fulness (f time,
same ihO:ioren tea old wa\ s, at the same ee \ it has dcvi'li>ped so f.ir that it can l.t |:iiiled,
liable stands, foi' the past (i.OOO years; and there is all the agony of iiiakingittakc cnh. ur.
all the veilial mslructi'm between here and It is worse, ;uiil in ire niistniate, ami more
the silent Lirave eoiililn't teach \is so iiiuc!], ' dcliliciali! ihan a nieer.- eiiauni. The .sun,
or to tea h it so llioioii';ldy, as one well di- i that tans Tom's cheeks ami blisters his nose,
rec ted singe. And a millinn nf yuii-. fidm j mily bleaches his mustache. Nothing ever

no\\ if tliis dr'cary old world may einiure . hasttJns its colour ; nothing dues it any per-

flo loin.'--wlM!n iuiinau kno\\ ledge shall fall a i nianent good, noihinu but patience, and
little shoit .)f 1 lu' inlinit(!, and all the lore 1 faith, ami persistent (nillinn.
and erudition of this wonderful age will be With all tlic comedy liiei'e is aimut it, how-
but tlie primer of that day of lii.dit - the haby evur, ios is the grand period ot a I'oy s life,
that is bjirn into the \,'oi)d of knowledge and • Vou Uiok at them, witli their caiele^ss, easy,
wisibnn and progress, rich with all the years i natural manners and movements in tin- streets
of hunran experience, will cry for the lamj), i and on the base ball grmind, and their mar-
aud, the very first time th.it o|ipoitunity fa- : veilous. systematic, indeset iliali'c, inimrtable
vours it, will try to pull the llauic up by the i and complex awkwardness in your parlours,

THE RISE AND FATL

and do you never dream, looking at those j and France, were boys — schoolboys — the boy
young fellows, of the overshadowing : conscripts of France, torn from their homes

destinies awaiting then>, the mighty strug-
gles mapped out in the earnest future
of their lives, the thrilling contjucsts
in the world of arms, the grander triumplis
in the realm of philosophy, the fadeless
laurels in the empire of letters, and the im

and their sciiools to stay the failing fortunes
of the last g'-and army and the Empire that
was tottering to its fall. You don't know
how soon these happy-go-lucky young fellows
making summer hideous with base ball slang,
or gliding around a skating rink on their

perishable crowns that he who giveth them |ibacks, may hold the state and its destinies

the victory binds about their brows, that
wait for the courage and ambition of these
boys ? Why, the world is at the boy's feet ;
and power and conquest and leadership slum-
ber in his rugged arms and care-free heart.
A boy sets his ambitiim at whatever mark he
will — lofty or grovelling, as he may elect—
and the boy who resolutely sets his heart on
fame, on wealth, on power, on what he will ;
who consecrates iiimself to a life of noble en-
deavour, and lofty effort ; who concentrates
every faculty of his mind and body on the
attainment of his one darling point ; who
brings to support his ambition courage and
industry ami patience, can tramplo on genius;
for these are ))etter Hud grander than genius ;
and he will l)egin to rise above his fellows as
steadily and as surely as the sun climbs above
the mountains. Hannilial, standing beforu
the Punic aitar tires and in the lisping ac-
cents of ctiildhood swearing cteiyial hatred to
Rome, was the Hannibal at twenty-four
years commandijig the army tliat swept down
upon Italy like a mountain torrent, and
shook the power of the mistress of the M'orld,
bid her detiance at her oNvn gates, while af-
frighted Home huddled and cowered under
the protecting shadow of her walls. Na-
poleon, building snow forts at school aa I
planning mimic battles for his pla\fell>wb,
was the lieutenant of artillery it sixteen
years, general of artillery and the victor of
Toulon at twenty-four, and at last Emperor
— not by the paltry accident of birth which
miglit liappen to any man however unworthy,
but by the manhood and grace of his own
right arm, and his own brain, and his cour

age and dauntless ambition — Emperor, with 1 Laura's dress

in their grasp ; you don't know how soon
these boys may make and write the history
of the hour ; how soon they alone may shape
events and guide the current of public action;
how soon ojie of them may run away with
your daughter or borrow money of you.

Certain it is, there is one thing Tom will
do, just about this period of his existence.
He will fall in love with -somebody before his
mustache is long enough to wax.

Perhaps one of the earliest indications of
this event, for it does not always break out
in the same manner, is a sudden and alarm-
ing increase in the number and variety of
Tom's neck-ties. In his boxes and on his
dressing case, his mother is ccmstantly start-
led by the changing and increasing assort-
ment of the display. Monday he en-
circles his tender throad with a lilac knot,
fearfully and wonderfully tied. A lavender
tie succeeds the following day. Wednesday
iagraced with a sweet little tangle of pale, pale
blue, that fa<les at a breath ; Tiuirsday is
ushered in with a scarf of delicate pea green,
of wonderful convolutions and sufficiently
expansive, by the aid of a clean collar; to
conceal any little irregularity in Tom's wash
day ; Friday smiles on a sailor's knot of dark
blue with a tangle of d duty forget-me-nota
embroidered over it ; Saturday tones itself
down to a riuiet, unobstrnsive, neutral tint
or shade, scarlet or yellow, and Sunday is
deeply, darkly, piously black. It isdffiicult
to tell whether Tom is trying to express the
state of his distracted feelings by his neck-
tics, or trying to Hnd a colour that will har-
monize Mith his mustache, or match

his foot on the throat of prostrate Europe,
Alexander, daring more in his boyhood than
his warlike father could teach him, and en-
tering upon all his ooviaering career at
twenty-four, was the boy v hose vaulting am-
bition only paused in its '\itzzling flight when
the world lay at his feet. And the fair-faced
soldiers of the Empire, they who rode down
upon the bayonets of the English squares at
Waterloo, when the earth rocked beneath
their feet and the incense smoke from the
altars of the battle god shut out the sun from
the sun al>ove their heails, who, with their
young lives streaming from
wounds, opened their pallid lips to cry,
"Vivo L 'Bmpereur," as they died for^onour

And (luring the variegated necktie period
of man's existence how tenderly that mus-
tache is coaxed and petted and caressed.
How it is brushed to make it lie down and
waxed to make it stand out, and how he
notes its slow growth, and weeps and mourns
and prays and swears over it day after weary
day. And now, if ever, and generally now.
he buys things to make it take colour. But
he never repeats this offence against nature.
He buys a wonderful dye, warranted to
"produce a beautiful glosfey black or brown
at one application, without stain or injury to
their gaping | the skin." Buys it at a little shabby, round
the corner, obscure drug store, because he
is not known there. And he tells the assas-

sin who sel
for a sick i
he lies. .A
tude of hii
drawn an<
\ irtues of
fingers and
It burns hi
tries to rul:
lingers. I
real camel
tenderly,
turns his
dark. An
darkness a
every thiuj
mustache
ghastly hi
'moon throi
untainted,
ble blonde,
fools Tom

The eye
faultless c(
and sistei
shirt in thi
that he wo
room to be

And th(
Sunday -sc
pic-uic or1
influx of 1
morals ai
compare w
those bool
narrow at
the only t
fill his vei
when Ton
somebody
or four til
atiou wou
tranquiliz
his startiu
rush of in
the straps
aud puUiu
befoie hii
head, the
off. Thei
earth rod
he can fi
home. A
the first t
the Chris
Or would
says. Hi
old that 1
if it is se
up in ag'
time he v
ho leaves
" lixy" lo

OF THE MUSTACHE.

11^

—the boy
sir homes
: fortunes
pire that
n't know
iR fellows
lall slang,
on their
destiniea
how soon
history
nay shape
lie action;
vay with
J'ou.

Tom will
existence,
before his

cations of
break out
id alarra-
^ariety of
il on his
itly start-
ng awaort-
he en-
lac knot,
lavender
'eduesday
f pale, pale
mrsday is
pea green,
ufficiently
collar; to
om's wash
ot of dark
it-me-nots
)nes itself
lutral tint
Sunday is
isdffiicult
xpress the
his neck-
will har-
or match

itie period
that mus-

caressed.
down and
d how he
nd mourns
fter weary
'ally now.
our. But
st nature,
rraated to

or brown
r injury to
»by, round
because he

the assas-

sin who sells it to him, that he is buying it
for a sick sister. And the assassin knows
he lies. And in the guilty silence and soli-
tude of his own room, with the curtains
drawn and the door locked, Tom tries the
\ irtues of that magic dye. It gets on his
tingers and turns them black, to the elbow.
It burns holes in his handkerchief when he
tries to rub the malignant poison otf his ebony
tingers. He applies it to his silky mustaolie,
real camel's hair, very cautiously and very
tenderly, and with some misgivings. It
turns his lip so black it makes the room
dark. And out of all the clouds ami the
darkness and the sable splotches tJiat p;ili
every thing else iu I'lutoiiian gloom, that
mustache smiles out, grinning like hoiae
ghastly hirsute spectre, gleaming like the
moon through arilted storm cloud unstained,
untainted, unshaded ; a natural, incorrupti-
ble bloude. That is the last time anybody
fools Tom OH hair dye.

The eye he has for immaculate linen and
faultless collars. How it amazes his mother
and sisters to learn that there isn't a
shirt in the house fit for a pig to wear, and
that he wouldn't wear the best collar in his
room to be hanged iu.

And the boots he crowds bis feet into ! A
Sunday -school room, the Sunday before the
pic-uic or the Christmas tree, with its sudden
influx of new scholars, with irreproachable
morals and ambitious appetites, doesn't
compare with the overcrowded condition of
those boots. Too tight in the instep ; too
narrow at the toes : too short at both ends ;
the only things about those boots that don't
fill his very soul with agony, are the straps,
when Tom is pulling them on, he feels that if
somebody would kindly run over him t^ree
or four times, with a freight train, the sens-
ation would be pleasant and reassuring and
tranquiliziug. The air turns blaok before
his starting eyes, there is a roaring like tlie
rush of many waters in his ears, he tugs at {
the straps that are cutting his fingers iu two >
aud pulling hisarms out by the roots,and just i
befote his bloodshot eyes shoot out of his
head, the boot comes on — or the straps pull
otf. Then when he stands up, the |
earth rocks beneath his feet, and he thinks j
he can faintly hear the angels calling him I
home. And when he walks across the floor i
the first time his standins; iu the church and
the Christian community is ruined forever.
Or would be if anyone could hear what he
says. He never, never, nev»:i- gets to be so
old that he cannot remember those boots,aud
if it is seventy years afterward his feet curl
up in agony at the recollection. The first
time he wears them, ho is vaguely aware, as
he leaves his room that there is a sort of
" tixy" look about him,aud his sisters' titt«r-

iog is not needed to cojpfirm this impression.
He has a certain, half-defined impression
that everything he has on is a size too small
for any other man of his size. That his boots
are a tritle snug, like a house with four rooms
for a family of thirty-seven. That the hat
which sits so lightly on the crown of his
head is jaunty but limited, like a junior
olerk's salary ; that his gloves are a neat ht,
and can't be buttoned with a stump machine.
Tom doesn't know all this ; lie has only a
general, vague impression that it may be so.
And he doesn't know that liis sisters know
every line of it. For he has lived many
years longer, and got in evfii- so much more
trouble, before he learns that one bright,
good, sensible girl— and 1 Ijelieve they are all
that — will see and notice more in a glance,
remember it more accurately, and talk more
about it, than twenty men can see in a week.
Toin does not know, for his crying feet will
not let him, how he gets from his room to
the earthly paradise where Laura lives. Nor
does he kn>w, after he gets there, that Laura
sees him trying to rest one foot by setting it
up on the heel. And she sees him sneak it
back under his chair and tilt it up on the toe
for a change. She sees him ease the oWier
foot a little by tugging the heel of the boot
at the leg of the chair. A hazardous, reck-
less, presumptuous experiment. Tom tries
it so far one night, and slides his heel so far
up the leg of his boot, that his foot actually
feels comfortable, and he thinks the angels
must be rubbing it. He walks out of the
parlour sideways that night, trying to hide
the cause of the sudden elongation of one leg,
and he hobbles all the way home in the same
disjointed condition. But Laura sees that
too. She sees all the little knobs and lumps
on his foot, and sees him fidget and fuss, she
sees the look of anguish fhttiug across his
face under the heartless, deceitful, veueering
of smiles, and she makes the mental remark
that iViaster Tom would feel much happier,
and much more comfortable, aud more like
staying longer, if he had worn his father's
boot^

But on his way to the house, despite the
distraction of his crying feet, how many
pleasant, really beautiful, romantic things
Tom thinks up aud recollects and compiles
aud composes to tiay to Laura, to impress her
with his originality, and wisdom, and genius,
and bright exuberant fancy aud general su-
periority over all the rest of Tom kind. Real
earnest things, you know ; now hollow, con-
versational compliments, or uou*euse, but
such thiuga, Tom flutters himself, as none of
the other fellows can or will say. Aud he
has them all iu beautiful order when he gets
at the foot of the hill. The remark about the
weather, to begin with ; not the stereotyped

THE RISE AND I-'AF.L

old phnise, Init ;; qiiiiint, droll, liumorons
coiicfit tint no ono in the worM hnt T'oin
could tliiiik f)f. Then, artcr the oiienini,'
overture a'loiit tlie weather, soinethiiiu Jiboiit
musio iuid Het'thuven's Honata in M Hat. atid
Haydn's k\ iniihuiiies, and of course houio-
thint; about lieetiio- eii's grand old
Fifth symphony, somebody's else ma'^s,
in heaven knows how many flats ;
and then sometliinf? about art, and a
profound tliought or two on science anl
philosophy, and so on to poetry and from
poetry to "" iiusmess. "

But alan, when Tom reaches the gate, all
tliose well orderc'l ideas dis[ilay evident
symptoms of breaking up ; as he cr-osses the
yard, he is dismayed to know that they are
in the convulsions of a panic, and when he
touches the bell knob, every, each, all ami
several "f tiie ideas, original and eompihtd,
that he has had on any subjeet durinjx the
past ten years, forsake hiin :\ni\ return nn
more that evening. When Laui'a o])ened the
door tie had intemled t) saj' somethinir real
splend I r.lfout the: imiJri.MiiKHl sutdight of
sonietliiii:;, ijeamin:' out a welcome upon the
what you may call it o( the nii.dit or some-
thing. Instead of which he says, or rather
j^asps : " dh, yc», to be sure; to bi' ^ure ;
ho." And then, consciou.s that he has not
said anything ])articularly brilliant or ori-
ginal, or tiiat most any of the other fellovs
could not say with a little jtractice, he makes
one more eliort to redeem himself before he
steps into the hall, and adds, "Oh, good
morning ; good morning." I'^ecling that even
this is only a jjariial succes?, he collects hia
scattered faculties for one united eti'ort and
inquiries; "How is your mother?" And
then it strikes him that he has about ex-
hausted the subject, and he goes into the
i)arlour, and sits down, ami just as soon as
le has placed his reyiroachfid feetin the least
agonizing position, he proceeds to wholly,
completely andsuecessfullj' I'orget eveiything
he ever knew in liis life. He returns to con-
sciousness to tind himself, to his own amaze-
ment and rqually t«> Ijaura's bewildernnint.
conducting a conversation abr»ut the crops.
and a new method of fumlintr tlie national
ilel)t, subjectti upon which he is about as
well iiifornieil as the town clock. Me rallies,
aiid make.', a successful elfcut to turn the
conversation into literary channels by asking
her if she has read "Daniel Deromia,' and
wasn't it odd that (Jeorge Washington l^liot
should name her heroine " (-irenadine," after
a dret<s ])attern '.' And in a burst of coidi-
deneo he assures her that ho Mould not bo
am»'',ed if it should rain before morning,
(and he hopes it will, and that it may be a
flood, and that they may ge^ caught in it,
without an ark nearer thau Cape Horn.)

I And so, at last, the first evening passes
1 away, ain! after mature deliberation and
many unsuccessful etl'orts he rises to go.
; Dut he lioes not go. He wants to ; but he
] doesn't know how. He says good evening,
'■ Then he repeats it in a marginal reference.
; Then he puts it in a foot note. Then he
adds tlie remark in an appemlix, ami shakes
luxnds. iiy this time he gets as far as the
parlour door, and catches liold of the kn(.l)
and holds on to it as tightly as though some
one on the other side were trying to pull it
through the door and run away with it. And
I he .stands there a Hdgftty statue of the door
I iioMer. He nu:ntion.-i, for not more than the
j twentieth time that evening that he ib pas-
! siouatcly fond of music but he can't sing.
I Which is a lie ; he can. Did she go to the
Centennial? "No." " Such a pity "-he
' begins, but stops in terror, lest she may coii-
I si.icr his condoh'nce a reflection uiioii hei'
linancial standing. Did lie go? Oh, yes ;
yes ; he says, absently, he went. Or, that
is to say, no, not exactly. He did not ex-
actly go to the ('cntennial ; he staid at home.
In f.ict, he has not been out of town this
Summer. Then he looks at the tender little
face ; he looks at the brown eyes, sparkling
with suppressed merriment ; Ik; looks at the
white hands, dimpled and soft, twin dangh-
fcei's of the snow ; ami the fairy jncture grows
more lovely as he looks at it, until
his heart outrutis his fear.s ; he must
s[)eak, he must s.iy something impressive
and ripe with meaning, for how can he
go away with this .«uspense in his breast?
His heart trembles as does his hand ; his
(juivering lips pai t, and — Laura deftly hifles
a vagrom yawn behind her fan. (lood night,
and Tom is gone.

There is a dejected droop to the mus^^ache
that night, when in the solitude of his own
room Tom releasfis his hands from the de-
spotic gloves, and tenderly soothes two of
tlie reddest, ptdHest feet that ever crept out
of boots not half their own size, and swore in
mute, but eloquent anatomical profani;y at
the whole race of bootmakers. And his
heart is nearly as full of sorrow ami bitter-
ness as his boors. It xppea'-s to him ^hat ho
showed ofl' to the wor t iiossible advantHv,'e ;
h(^ is iliiidy conscious that he acted very like;
a dcmkey, and he has the not entirely un-
natural impression that she will never want
to see him again. And so he uhilosophically
and manfully makes u[» his mind never,
m.H'er, m!ver, to thiidi of her again. And
then he immediately procceils, in the manliest
anil most natural way in the world, to think
of nothing and nobody (dse under the sun for
the next ten hours; How the tender little
face does haunt him. He pitches himself
into bed with an aimless recklessneaa that

tumbles pi!
hapeless,
throngh th
man who v
stands his
into a wa.d
though it
lays it do«
pats all th(
more sleep
than there
ever s impl
and smoke
three hour
tested 'ob;
This is
through tV
one rare g
rosy drean
old AS an n
as many ^\
in .'i cluste
once. L(
misery, all
heaveidy f
And he do
out of it.
hate Sinitl
can talk fa
whose muf
so long tlu
both handi
idiot Brov
up there <
over a few
and calls
some nigl
evening at
up an old,
and goes
under th(
fectly hidi
And he sp
T.)m ; wh(
in the Ian;
to—" aw-
state occa
" avy vo(
who once
telling La
le I )iable '
toy que jn
digal in
Cardinal
it accorc
the artis
evening
sketch
j)ictnre 1
mother, a
was oh jii
and Tom
since. Ii

tig passes
icioii and
es to go.
I ; but he
i evir-ning.
referoiice.
Tlien he
ml shakes

far as the

the kni.b
(uigh some

to pull it
th it. And
f tlio door
e than the

hc! ib pas-
laii't sing.
a go to the
pity" -he
e m.iy cou-

u)i(m iiei'

( )h, yes ;

Or, 'that

ilid nut. ex-

l ac li>ine.

tiiWII tills
iMider little

sparkling

loks at the

kviii daiigh-

tui'u grows

t it, until

he must
impressive
iw can he
his breast?
\ hand ; his
leftly hides
[lood night,

le mus*;ache
1 of his own
rom the de-
hes two of
■r crept out
ntl swore in
jrofaiiiiy at
And his

and bilter-
lim ^liMt he
advantage ;
^i1 vfsry like
Mitirely un-

rifver want
losopiiioally
liiid never,
,gain. And
tile manliest
Id, to think
' tiiP sun for
ender little
hes himself
essncsa that

OF THE MUSTACHE.

tumbles pillows, bolsters, and sheets into one
hapeless, wild, chaotic mass, and he goes i
through the motions of going to sleep, like a 1
man who would go to sleep by steam, fie j
stands his pillow up on end, and pounds it {
into a wad, and he props his head upon it as
though it were tlie guillotine block. He
lays it down and smooths it out lerel, and
pats all the wrinkles out of it, and there is
more sleeplessness in it to the square inch
than there is in tiie hungriest mosquito that
ever s impled a martyr's blood. He gets up
and smokes like a patent stove, although not
three hours ago he told Laura that he de-
tested 'obacco.

This is the only time Tom will ever go
through this, in exactly this way. It is the
one rare golden experience, the one bright,
rosy dream of his life. He may live to be as
<ild as an army overcoat, and he may marry i
as many wives as Brigham Young, singly, or ;
in a cluster, but this will cuiiic to him but j
once. Let him enjoy all the delightful
misery, all the ecstatic wretcheiiness, all the \
heaveidy forlornness of it as best he can. j
And he does take good, solid, edifying misery
out of it. How he does torture himself and '
hate Smith, the empty headed donkey, who !
can talk faster than poor Tom can think, and |
whose mustache is black as Tom's boots, and
so long that he can pull one end of it with
both hands. And how he does detest that
idiot Brown, who plays and sings, and goes
up there every time Tom does, and claws
over a few old forgotten Hve-Hnger exercises
and calls it music ; wlio comes up there,
some night when Tom thinks he has the
evening and Laura all to himself, and brings
up an old, tuneless, voiceless, cracked guitar,
and goes crawling around in the wet grass
under the window and makes night per-
fectly hideous with what he calls a serenade.
And he speaks French, too, the beast. Poor
T<)ni ; when Brown's lingual accomplishments
in the language of ( 'harlemagne are confined
to — "aw — aw — er ah v;i)ly voo?" and on
state occasi«)ns to the additiimal grandeur of
" avy voo mong sha])(»?" But jmor Tom
who once i overed himself with confusion by
telling Laura that his favouritt; in " Uoliert
le L>iable " was the beautiful aria, '' Uoliert
toy que jam," considers Brown a very pro-
digal in linguistic attainments, another
Cardinal Mezzofanti, and hates him for
it accordingly. And hc hates Daubs,
the artist, too, who was up there one
evening and made an olF hand crayon
sketch of her in her album. The
jiicture looked much more like Daubs'
mother, and Tom knew it, but Laura said it
was oh just delightfully, perfectly splendid,
and Tom has hated I laubs most conlially ever
siuoe. In fact,Tom hates every man who

has the temerity to speak to her, or whom
slie may treat with ladylike courtesy. Un-
til there conies one night when the boots of
the inquisition pattern sit more lightly on
their sufierimr victims. When Providence
has been on Tom's 8i<le, and kept Smith and
Daubs and Brown away, and has frightened
Tom nearly to death by showing him no one
in the little parlour with its old-fashioned
furniture but himself and Laura and the fur-
niture. AVhen, almost without knowing
how or why, they talk about life and its rea-
lities instead of the last concert or the next
lecture ; wlien they talk of their plans and
day dreams alid aspirations, and their ideals
o' real men and women ; when they talk
about the heroes and heroines of days long
gone by, gray and dim in the ages that are
ever made yonni; andnewbyttie lives of noble
men and noble women who lived, and did,
and never died in those grand old days, but
livtid and live on, as imperishably and fade-
less in tiieir glory as the glit+'cring stars tliat
sang at creation's dawn. When the room
seems strangely silent when their voices
hush ; when the tiush of earnestness upon
her face gives it a tinge of sadness that makes
it more beautiful than ever ; when the dn am
and picture of a home Eden, and home life,
and home love, grows every moment more
lovely, more entravcing to him, until at last
poor blundering, stupid Tom, speaks without
knowing what iie is going to say, speaks
without prejiaration or rehearsal, speaks,
and his honest, natural manly heart touches
his faltering lips with eloquence and tender-
ness and earnestness that all the rhetoric in
the worhl never did and never will inspire,

and . That is all we know about it.

Nobody knows what is said nor how it is
done. Nobody. Only the silent stars or
the whispering leaves, or the cat, or maybe
Laura's younger brother, or the hired girl,
who generally bulges in just as Tom. reaches
the climax All the rest of us know about
it is, that Tom doesn't come away so early
that night, and that when he reaches the
door he holds a pair of dimpled hands instead
of the insensate doorknob. He never clings
to that dofir-knob again ; never. TJnlcfis ma,
dear ma, has been so kind as to bring in her
sewing and spend the evening with them.
And Tom doesn't hate!\nyi)ody, nor want to
kill anyl'ody in the M-ide, wide world, ami
lie feels just as good as though he had just
j come out of a six montlis' revival; and is
ha[ipy enough to borrow money of his worst
enemy.

But, there is no rose without a thorn. Al-
though, I 8U|ipoBe. on inside computation,
there is, in thi^ weary old world as much as,
say a peck, or a peck and a half possibly, of
thorns without their attendant roses. Just

THE RISE AND FALL

the raw, bore thorns. In the highest heaven
of his newly-found blies, Tom is suddenly re-
called to earth and its miseries by a question
from Laura which falls like a plummet into
the unripplc'd sea of the young ma j s happi-
ness, .and fathoms it depths in jhe sbal lowest
place. "Has her own Tojri" :i'i <l)8t.in-
guished from countless other Torus, uu-
claimed Toms, to all intents and purposes
swamp lands on the public matrimo' ial do-
main—'" Has lier own Tom said ;i,nyllijiig to
pa?" "Oh, yeflpa ;'" T<im says, " i'o be
sure; yes" Grim, heavy browed, austere
pa. The living embodiment of business.
\Viry, s'lrewd, the life and mainspring of the
house of Tare and Tret. " 'M. V. dl. N'no."
Tom had not exactl}^ ao you niigiit say,
poured out his heart to jia. Some-
how or other he had a rose-coloured
idea that the thing w.as going to go light
along in this way fortv. r. Tom had an idea
thjit the programme was all arranged, printed
and distributed, rose-ooloured, gilt-edged,
and perfumed. He was going to sit and hold
Laura's hands, pa was to stay down at the
ofiice, and ma was to make her visits to the
parlour as much like angels', for their rarity
and brevity, as possible. But he sees, now
that tlie matter has been referred to, that it
is a grim necessity. Ami I^aura doesn't like
to see such a spasm of terror pass over Tom's
face ; and her coral l^s quiver a little as she
hides her flushed face oat of sight on Tom's
shoulder, and tells him how kind and tender
pa has always been with her, until Tom feels
positively jealous of pa. And she tells him
that he must not dread going to see him, for
pa will be oh so glad to know how happy,
happy, happy he can make his little girl.
And as she talks of him, the hard working, '
old-faslxioned, tender- heartei old man, who ■
loves his girls as though he were yet only a j
big boy, her heart grows tenderer, and she |
speaks so etirneetly and eloquently that Tom,
at first savagely jealous of him, is persuaded
to fall in love with the old gentleman — he
calls him "Pa," too, now — himself.

But by the following afternoon this feeling
is very faint. And when he entefs idie count-
ing room of Tare & Tret, and stands before
pa — Oil, land of love, how could Laura ever
talk so about 6uch a man. Stubbly httle pa;
with a fringe of the most obstinate and wiry
gray hair standing all around his bold, bald
head ; the wiriest, grizidiest mustache brist-
ling imder his nose ; a tuft of tangled beard
under tbe sharp chin, and a raspy under-
growth of a week's run on the thin jaws ;
business, business, business, in every line of
the hard, seamed face, and profit and loss,
barter and trade, dicker and bargain, in
every movement of the nervous han&. Pa ;
old business ! He puts down the newspaper

a little way, and looks ever the top of it m
Tom announces himself, glancing at th«
young man with a pair of blue eyes that peer
through old-fashioned iron-bowed spectacles,
tbat look as though they had known these
eyes and done business with them ever aiaoe
they wept over their A B C's or peeped into
the tall stone jar Sunday afternoon to look
for the doughnuts.

Tom, who had felt all along there could be
no inspiration on his part in this scene, has
come prepared. At least lie had his last true
statement at his tongue's end when he entered
the counting room. But now, it seems to
him that if he had been brought up in a
circus, and cradled inside of a sawdust ring,
and all his Hie trained to twirl his hat, he
couldn't do it better, nor faster, nor be more
utterly incapable of doing anything else. At
last he swallows a lump in his throat as big
as a ballot box, and faintly gasps, "Good
morning." Mr. Tret hastens to recognize
him. ' 'Eh ? oh ; yes ; yes ; yes ; I see ;
young Bostwick, from Dope & Middlerib's.
Oh yes. Well—?" "I have come, sir,"
gasps Tom, thinking all around the world
from Cook's explorations to "Captain Riley's
Ifawative, " for the first line of that speecli
that Tare & Tret have just scared out of him
so completely that he doesn't believe he ever
kitew a word of it. "I have come — " and he
thinks if his lips didn't get so dry and hot
they make his teeth ache, that he could get
along with it : "I have, sir — come, Mr. Tret;
Mr. Tret, sir — I have come — I am come — '*
"Yes, ye-es," says Mr. Tret, in the
wildest bewildeiTuent, but in no very
encouraging tones, thinking the youni;
man probably wants to borrow money ;
" Ye-es ; I see you've eome. Well j
that's all right ; glad to see you. Yes, you've
come ?" Tom's hat is now making about nine
hundred and eighty revolutions per minute,
and apparently not running up to half its full
capacity. "Sir; Mr. Tret, he resumes,
" I have come, sir ; Mr. Tret — I am here to
— to sue — to sue, Mr. Tret — I am here to sue
— " " Sue, eh !" the old man echoes sharply,
with a belligerent rustle of the newspaper ;
"sue Tare & Tret, eh? Well, that's right,
young man ; that's right. Sue, and get
damages. We'll give you all the law you
want." Tom's head is so hot, and his heart
is so cold, that he thinks they must be about
a thousand miles apart. " Sir," he explains,
" that isn't it. It isn't that. I onl} want
to ask — I have long known — Sir, " he adds,
as the opening lines of his speech come to
him like a message from heaven, " Sir, you
have a flower, a tender lovely blossom ;
chaste as the snow that crowns the mouo-
tain's brow ; fresh as the breath of morn ;
lovelier than the rosy-tiugered hours that fly

OP THE MU3TA0HB.

of it M
g at th*
that peer
pectaclefl,
)wu these
iver aiaoe
eped into
to look

e could be
loone, has

a last true
he entered

seems to

up in a
dust ring,
hat, he
ir be more

else. At
oat as big
)s, "Good

recognize
i ; I see ;
idd) crib's,
ome, sir,"
the world
ain Riley's
lat speech
out of him
;ve he ever
" and he
and hot

could get
, Mr. Tret;
n come — "
), in th«

no very
he youni;
V money ;
Well ;
fes, you've
about nine
ler minute,
[lalf its full
; resumes,
am here to
here to sue
ea sharply,
ewspaper ;
at's right,
!, and get
he law you
d his heart
st be about
e explains,
oulj want

be adds,
sh come tu

" Sir, you

blossom ;
the raoun-
1 of morn ;
irs that II7

before Aurora's car ; pure as the lily kissed
by (lew. 'lliid precious blossom, watched bv
your paternal eyes, the object of your tender
care and solioitiule, I ask of you. I would
wear it in my heart, and guanl and cherish
it — aii'l in the -" "Oh-h, ye-es, yes, yes,"
the old mm says soothingly, beginning to see
that T<'ni is oidy drunk. " Uh yes, yes, I
don't kiiuw nuiuh about them myst If ; my
wife Jtml tlu! i^irls generally keep half the
windows in the house littered u|) with them.
Winter andsanimer, every ,vinilow so full ot
iiouse plants tiie sun can't fjhine in. Come
up to the lioii^e, they'll give you all you can
carry away, yive you a hat full of 'em. "
" No, lit), no ; you don't understand," says
poor Tdui, and old Mr. Tret now observes
that Tom i>' very drunk indeed. " It isn't
that, Sir. Sir, tiiat isn't it. I — I — I want
to many your daughter !" Ami there it is
at last, as hluntly as though Tom had wadded
it into a gun .iiul shot it at the old man. Mr.
Tret does not say any thing for twenty
B6con<ls. Tom tells Laura that evening that
it was two hours and a half before her father
•pened his liead. Then he says, "Oh, yes,
yes, ycM, yes ; to be sure; to — be — sure."
And tlien the long pause is dreadful. "Yes,
yes. Well, I don t know. I don't know
about that, young man. Said any thing to
Jennie about it?" 'It isn't Jennie," Tom
gasps, sreing a new Uiibicon to cross ; " it's

" "Oil, Julie, eh? well, I don't "

"No, sir," interjects the despairing Tom, "it

isn't .Julie, it's " "Sophie, eh? Oh,

well, Soi.liir " "Sir," says Tom, "if

you please, sir, it isn't Sophie, its " "Not

Minnie, surely ? Why, Minnie is hardly —
well, 1 doii't know. Young folk get along

faster than " " Dear Mr. Tret," breaks

in the di:;t;'acted lover, "it's Laura."

As they sit and stand there, looking at
each otlier, the dingy old counting-room,
with the li'iavy shadows lurking in every
corner, witli its time-worn, heavy brown
furnishings, with the scanty dash of sunlight
breaking in through the dusty window, looks
tike an old Rubens painting ; the beginning
and the Hnishing of a race : the old man,
nearly rt ady to lay his armour off, glad to be
«» nearly and so safely through with the race
and the ti>:ht that Tom, in all his inexperi-
ence and with all the rash enthusiasm and
ooaceit of a young man, is just getting ready
to run and fight, or tight and run, you never
«Mua tell whicn until ne is through with it.
And the old man, looking at Tom, and
through him, and past him, feels his o\^
heart throb almoEt as quickly as does that of
the young man before him. l*'or lookinsr
down a long vista of happy,, eventful
jean, bordered . with roseate hopea

bright

dnaau and antidpatioai,

he sees a tender face, radiant with
smiles and kindled m ith blushes ; he feels a
soft hand drop nito his own with its timid
pressure ; he sees the vision oiien, under the
glitteringsummoi'stara, down niossv liillsiiUs.
where tlie restless breeze.-', sighing tJirough
th'j rustling leaves w'cispered their tender
secret to the noisy kacy.Uds ; stiolliim along
the winiiing paths, deep in the bending wihl
grass, down in the star-lit ai;les of the dim
old woods; loitering \\hcro tiie nieailow
brook sparkles over the white pebbles or
murmurs around the great Hat stepping-
stones; lingering on the rustic foot biiilge,
while he gazes into eyes eloquent and
tender in their silent love-liulit ; up
through the long pathway of 3ea)s, lleckeil
and checkered with sunshine aad yloiid, with
storm and calm, tlin.ngh years of stiiigelc,
trial, sorrow, disappointinont, out at -asfe
into the grand, gloiiouH, crowning beauty
and benison of hard-won and wed-doserved
success, until he sees now tii'.s sei'i ii') Lnura,
re-imaging her mother as she was in the
dear old days. And he rou'-es from his dream
with a start, and he tells Tom he'll "Talk it
over with Mrs. Tret, and see him again in
the morning. "

And so they are duly and form.dly en-
gaged , and the very hrst thing they do,
they make the very sensdde, though very
uncommon, resolution to so conduct tiiein-
selves that no one will ever suspect it. And
they suo'.'ced admiral/ly. No one ever does
suspect it. They come into church in time
to hear the benediction — every time they
come together. They shun all otl.er people
when church is dismissed, and are seen to go
I home alone the longest way. At iiic-nica
they are missed not more than fifty times a
day, and are di.scovcred sitting unler a tree,
holding each other's hands, gazin.; into each
other's eyes and saying — nothing. W hen he
throws her shawl over her shouliters, he
never looks at what he is doing, but looks
into her starry eyes, throws the shawl right
over her natural cr.ls, and drags them out
by the hair-pins. If, at sociatile or festival,
they are left alone in a dressing-rooiu a
second and a half, Laura emerges with her
ruffle standing around like a railroad acci-
dent ; and Tom has enough complexion on his
shoulder to go around a ladies' seminary.
When they drive out, they sit in a buggy
with a seat eighteen inches wide, and there
is two feet of unoccupied room at either end
of it. Long years afterwards, when they
drive, a street car isn't too wide for them ;
and when they walk you could drive four
loads of hay between them.

And yet, as carefully as they guard their
precious liktle secret, and as cautious and
circniaapeet aa they are in their walk aoA

THE RI8B AND FALL

behaviour, it gets talked around that they
are engaged. People are so prying and bub-
pioioiib.

And so the months of their engagement
nm on ; never before or since, time flies so
swiftly — unless, it may be, some time when
Tom lifts an acceptance in bank to meet in
two <lMys, that h-i can't lift one end of— and
the wedding day dawns, fades, and the wed-
dincr is over. Over, with its little circle of
dt'Iisztit' <l friends, with its ripples of pleasure
and excitomeni, wicii its couciies of home
love and humo life, that leave their lasting
im])rpsK uj)on the lieart of Lnura's heart, al-
thouL'li Tom, with man-like blindness, never
sees ()7ie of them. Over, with ma, with the
thousand and one anxieties attendant on the
grand cvont in her daughter's life hidden
away under lior dear old smiling face, down,
away do^n under tlie tender, glistening eyes,
deep in the; loving heart ; ma, hurrying here
and (Inttcring tliero, in the intense excite-
ment of something strangely made up of
havT'in 'ss and yrief, of aunrehcnsion and
hope ; ma, witli hi.-r sudden (tisappear-
ances and flushed reappearances, in-

dita

strui.

aiiii Lriuniplib in
the turbulent world down stairs ; ma,
with tiio new-fangled belt, with the dinner-
plate buckles, fastened on wrong aide fore-
most, and the flowers dangling down the
wrnn;^ i^iilo of lier head, to Sojihie's intense
horror and pantomimic telegraphy; ma, fly-
ing here and there, seeing that everything
is going right, from kitchen to dressing-
rooms; looking after everything and every-
body, with hcir hands and her heart just as
full as tliey will hold, and more voices call-
ing "ma," from every room in the house,
than you would think one hundred mas
could answer. But she answers them all,
and she sees after everything, and just in
the nick of time prevents Mr. Tret from
going down stairs and attending the cere-
mony in a loud-figured dressing-gown and
green slippers; ma, who, with the quivering
ip and glistening eyes, has to be cheerful,
and lively, and smiling; because, if, as she
thinks of the dearest and host of her flock
going away from her fold, to put her life and
her happiness into another's keeping, she
gives way for one moment, a dozen reproach-
ful voices cry out, " Oh-h ma !" How it all
comes back to Tjaura, like the tender
shadows of a dream, long years after the
dear, dear face, furrowed with marks of
patient'flufl^ering and loving care, rests under
the snow and the daisies; when the mother
love that glistened in the tender eyes has
olosed in darkness on the dear old hom^;
and the nerveless hands, crossed in dream-
less sleep upon the pnlseless breast, can
neTer again touch tho children's heads with

caressing gesture; how the sweet vision comei
to Lanra, as it shone on her wedding mom,
rising in tenderer beauty through the blind-
ing tears her own excess of happiness calls
ap, as the rainbow spans the cloud only
through the mingling of the golden sunshine
and the falling rain.

And pa, dear old shabby pa, whose clothes
will not fit him as they tit other men; who
always dresses just a year and a-half behind
the style ; pa wandering up and down
through the house, as though lie were lost
in his own home, pacing through the hall
like a sentinel, olundering aimlessh' and
listlessly into rooms where he has no business,
and being repelled therefrom by a chorus of
piercing shrieks and hysterical giggling; pa,
getting off his well worn jokes with an as-
sumption of merriment that seems positively
real; pa, who creeps away by himself once
in a while, and leans his face against the
window, and sighs, in diiect violation of all
strict household regulations, right against
the glass, as he thinks nf his little girl yoin^'
away to-day from the home whose love and
tenderness and patience she has known so
well. Only yesterday, it seems to him, th«
little baby girl, bringing the first music of
baby prattle into his home; then a little girl
in short drespes, with school-girl troubles and
school-girl pleasures; then an older little
girl, out of school and into society, but a

little girl to pa still. And then . But,

somehow, this is as far as pa can get; for he
sees, in the flight of this, the first, the fol-
lowing flight of the other fledglings; and he
thinks how silent and desolate the old nest
will be when they have all mated ami flown
away. He thinks, when their flight shall
have made other homes bright and cheery
and sparkling, with music, and prattle and
laughter, how it will leave the old home
hushed and quiet and still. How, in the
long, lonesome afternoon, mother will sit by
the empty cradle that rocked them all,
murmuring the sweet old cradle songs that
brooded over all their sleep, uutil the rising
tears check the swaying cradle and choke
the song — and back, over river and prairie
and mountain, thatroU andstretchand rise be-
tween the old home and the new ones, comes
back the prattle of her little ones, the rippling
music of their laughter, the tender cadences
of their songs, untu the hushed old home is
haunted by memories of its children — gray
and old they may be, with other children
clustering about their knees ; but to the dear
old home they are "the children" still.
And dreaming thus, when pa for a moment
finds his little girl alone— his little girl who
is going away ont of the home whose love she
knows, into a house whose tenderness and
patience are all nntried->-he holds, her in his

arms and v

that ever

and Laura'

plete and u

the pattern

tears, shad

of these ba

day. He

earnestnesi

tints and

uV-idod '>•!■

lief ; but i

the shadow

tints of tl

be flat, pa

And the

of bracke

French ok

go, that i;

mashers.

three oigai

sorted pat

style, bhu

laion comet
ding morn,
the blind

piness calli
cloud only

an sunshine

lose clothes

r men; who

half behind

and down

were ios

the hall

rilesisly and

o business,

a chorus of

.'irling; pa,

with an as-

s ])ositively

iinself once

aijainst the

lation of all

tht Hgainat

girl <.r<iiri^'

se love and

IS known so

to him, the

'st music of

a little girl

troubles and

older little

cietv, but a

-. But,

n get; ft)r he

irst, the fol-

ings; and he

the old nest

kI and flowu

flight shall

; and cheery

prattle and

le old home

flow, in the

r will sit by

I them all,

e songs that

il the rising

e and choke

and prairie

1 and rise be-

onts, comes

, the rippling

ler cadences

3ld home is

ildren — gray

ler children

t to the dear

Iren " still.

' a moment

tie girl wh'j

lose love she

lemeas and

»a. >»■

OP THE MUSTACHE.

arms and whispers the most fervent blessing
that ever throbbed from a father's heart ;
and Laura's wedding day would be incom-
plete and unfeeling without her tears. So is
the pattern of our life made up of smiles and
tears, shadow and sunshine. Tom sees none
of these background pic'iures of the wedding
day. He sees none ol its real, heartfelt
earnestness. He sees only tlio bright, sunny
tints and happy figures that the tearful,
Jlh 'dod '>!"'lr 'rMUml f jvnws oiil i" ■■■iMe!) Tf-
iicf ; but never stops to think Uiat, without
the shailowH, the clouds, aiul the sombre
tints of the background, the picture would
be flat, pale, and lustrekvis.

And then, the presents. Tlie assortment
of brackets, serviceable, aiiil--(.-licaf». The
French clock, that never went, that does not
go, that never will go. The nine potato
mashers. The eight nuisturi"; spooiitj. Tlie
three cigai' stands. Eleven 'iialcli safes ; as-
sorted patterns. A do: i tiuu-s, uliarity fair
style, blue dog on jellow background, bark-

after seal brown apples. The two uiiurns,
old pattern, straitthn handle and daslier, and
they have as much thouc^'ht of !;i;<']iing a cow
as they have of keeping a seel ion of artillery.
Five things they didn't know ti.e uimes of.
and never could find any body who could toll
what they were for. And a nickel jjlatod
pocket ccirkscj'ew, that Tom, in a lino burst"
of indignation, throws out of the window,
which Laura says is just like her own impul-
sive Tom. And not long after her own im-
pulsivo Tom catches his death of cold and
ruins tlie knees of his best trowsers crawling
round in the grass hunting for that sinne
corkscrew. VVHiich is just like her own im-
pulsive Tom.

And then, the young coiipic go to W(»rk
and buy e-v-e-r-y thing tiiey need, the day
they go to housekeeping. Everything. Just
as well, Tom says, to get every thing at once
and have it delivered right up to the house,
as to spend five or six or ten or twenty years
in stocking up a house as his father did.
And Laura thinks so too, and she woiulers
that Tom should know so much more than
his father. This worries Tom himself, when
he thinks of it, and he never understands
how it is, until he is forty-five or fifty years
old and has a Tom of his own to direct and
advise him. So they make out a list, and
revise it, and rewrite it, until they
have every thing down, complete, and
it isn't until supper is ready the first day,
that they discover there isn't a knife, a fork,
or a plate or a spoon in the now house. And
the 'first day the washerwoman comes, and
the water is hot, and the clothes all ready,
it is discovered that there isn't a wash-tub
nearer than the grocery. And further along

in the day the discovery is made that while
Tom has bought a clothes line that will reach
to the north pole and back, and then has to
coded up a mile or two in the back yard,
there isn't a clothes pin in the settlement.
And in the course of a week or two Tom
slowly awakens to the realization of the fact
that he has only begun to get. And if he
should live two thousand years, which he
rarely does, and possibly may not, he would
think, just before he died, of somethin<»
they had wanted the worst way for five
centuries, and had either been too poor
to get, or Tom had always forgotten to bring
up. So loner as he lives, Tom goes on bring-
ing home thnigfe that they need — -abscdute,
snnj)le necessities, that were never so much
as hinted at in that exhaustive list. And
olil Time comes along, and knowing that the
man in that new house will never get through
bringing things up to it, helps him out and
comes round and brings things, too. Brings
a gray hair now and then, to stick in Tom's
;t :i];4^.iilif'. vvbieb has grown too big to be or-
namental, and too wayward and unmanage-
able to be comfortable. He brings little
cares and little troubles, and little trials and
little butcher bills, and little grocer's bills,
and little tailor bills, and nice large millinery
bills, that pluck at Tom's mustache and stroke
it the wrong way and made it look more
and more as pa's did the first time Tom saw
it. He brings, by-and-bye, the prints of baby
i'ugers and pats them around on the dainty
wall paper. Brings, sometimes, a voiceless
messenger that lays its icy fingers on the
baby lips, and hushes their dainty prattle,
and in the baptism of its first sorrow, the
darkened little home has its dearest and
teuderest tie to the upper fold. Brings, by-
and-bye, the tracks of a boy's muddy boots,
and scatters them all up and down the clean
porch. Brings a messenger, one day, to take
the youngest Tom away to college. And the
ipiiet the boy leaves behind him is so much
harder to endure than his racket, that old
Tom is tempted to keep a brass band in the
house until the boy comes back. But old
Time brings him home at last, and it does
make life seem terribly real and earnest to
Tom, and how the old laugh rings out and
ripples all over Laura's face, when they see
^ old Tom's first mustache budding and strng-
j gling into second life on young Tom's face.
j And still old Time comes round, bringing
I each year whiter frosts to scatter on the
whitening mustache, and brighter gleams of
I silver to glint the brown of I^aura's hair.
Bringing the blessings of peaceful old age
, and a lovelockcd houio to crown these noble,
i earnest, real human lives, bristling with hn-
I man faults, marred with human mistakes,
i soarred and seamed and rifted with hnmas

«0

GETTING BEADY FOR THE TRAIN.

troubles, and crowned with the compasaion
that only perfection can send upon imperfec-
tion. Comes, with happy memories of tlie
pai«t, and quiet confidence for the future.
Comes, with the changing scenes of day aud
niglit ; with wrinter's 8torm and summer's
calm ; couies, with the sunny peace ami tlie
backward dreams of age : comes, until one
day, the eye of the relentless old reaper re.sts
upon old Tom, staudiug right in ihe swatli,
amid the golden com. The sweep of the
noiseless scythe that never turns its edge.
Tune llas:^es on, old Tom steps out ot young
Turn's way, and the cycle of a life is complete.

a wo-

the si-
replied

Qettlug Ready for the Train.

When they reached the depot, Mr. Man
and his w ife gazed in unspeakable disappoiiit-
mtiit at the receding train, which was just
pulling away trom the bridge switch at the
rate of a thousand miles a minute. Tiieir
first impluse was to run after it ; but as the
train was out of sight, and whistling Icir
>Sayet(iwn before they could act uijon the
impulse, they remained in the carriage and
disconsolately turned the hoises' heads
homeward.

"It till cornea of having to wait for
man to get ready," Mr. Man broke
lence with.

"1 was ready before you were,"
his wife.

"Oreat heavens!" cried Mr. Man, in ir-
repressible impatience, jerking the hors-es'
jaws out of place, "just listen to that ! And
I tat out in the buggy ten minutes, yelling
at >ou to come along, until the whole ueigli-
bourhood licard me ! "

"Yes," acquiesced Mrs. Man, with the
provoking placidity which no one can assume
but a wouian, "and every time I started
down stairs you sent me back for something
you had forgotten,"

Mr. Man groaned. "This is too much to
bear," he eaid, "when everybody knows
that if I was going to Europe, I would just
rush into the house, put on a clean shirt,
grab up my gripsack, and fly ; while you
would want at least six months for prelimin-
ary preparations, and then dawdle around
the whole day of starting until every train
had left town."

Well, the upshot of the matter was, that
the Mans put off their visit to Peoria until
the next week, and it was agreed that eacli
. one should get ready and go down to the
train and go, and the one who failed to get
' ready should get left. The day of the match
came around in due time. The train was to

fo at 10:30, and Mr. Man, after attending to
is business, went home at 9:45.
"Now then," he shouted, "only three*
qnartera of an hour to train time. Fly

around ; a fair field and no favours, you
know."

And away they flew. Mr. Man bulged

into this room and rushed into that one, and

dived joto one closet after aiiotlifcr with in-

i cciiiceival)le rjijjidily, clnukliiig umler his

I breath all the tjiae, to ihiiik how fl't;ip Mrs.

I Man would feel when he started oH' :doiie.

j He sto])i)e*l on his way up btaiis to puil off

his heavy Imotn, to save time. Fortlie ."ame

reas(in he puUeii oil' his coat as he ran through

the diiiinyroom, and huiii; it up in the eor-

I iier ot the silver closet. Then he jeikedofl

; his vest as he rushed tlu'ough tlie liall, and

I • obsed it on a hook in tlie liatracii, lUiu by

! the time he reacheii las own room he wa«

j ready to plunge into liis clean clothes. He

I pulled out a bnre:iu drawer anil hc^^'an to

; paw at the ihiiiys, like a ^cotcli terrier after

I a rat.

" Eleanor ! " he shritked, "win re are my
shirts ? "'

" In your bureau drawer," quietly j( ilied
Mrs. Man, who was staiiiliiig piuciidy Ix lore
a |ilass, cainily and diiiberatelj coaxing a
refractory < limp into place.

" Well, by ihuiitier, ihey ain't ! " shouted
Mr. Man, a little annoyed. " 1 ve emptied
every last thing out oi the drawer, aiui liier*
isn't a tiling in it that 1 ever saw hefote. "

Mrs. Man stepped hack a few pace;-, held
her head on one suie, and alter s:iiisf}iug
j lierself that the eriin]i would do, and woula
I stay wheie slie had jjut it, replied :
1 '"These things scattered arouiul the floor
! are all miiic. I'rol ably jou haven't been
I lociking ill your own diaver. "
1 '• 1 don't set','' testily (diserved Mr. Man,
1 "w-hy you couh'ui thave | ut my things out
forme, when jou had iioihii;y eL-iC to cio all
morning."

" Because," said Mrs. ?t. an, settling her-
self into a:i adiLiioiiaiaitiLleof lainieiit with
awful deliheratioii. " nol edy ] lit niiie out
forme. 'A lair field and no luvcurs,' my
dear. ■'

Mr. Man plunged into his shirt like a bull
at a ted ling.

" Foul!' he shouted, in nialicious triumph.
" No hutt(.n on the neck!"

"Because," said Mr^. Man, swo.etly, after
a deliberate stare at the lidgetiiig, in latient
man, during which Fhe luttentd hn drtsB
and put eleven pins where they would do
most good, " htcause you have got the shirt
on wiong side out."

When Mr. Man slid out of that shirt he
began to sweat. He dropped the shirt three
times before he got it on, and while it was
over his head he heard the clock strike ten.
When his head came through he saw Mnfk
Man coaxing the ends aad howu of her neob*
tie.

" Wher
Mrs. M
presently
and saw }
touM rinil
■he S'liil:
"In til
Mrs. M
kant'^d 11 ;
hutto IS.

"Eleati
you must
" I ii.iv
Ming her
the winn
night -r

Mr. Ma

■tairs on

boots, am

hall at th

and despa

with m )r(

a Webb's

like the 1

" Are J

the wife (

the Villus'

The uu

throw me

Mrs. ^

him.

" My V

awav att

"Up i

•were'!.

" Pank

" I do

Tours "If,

ner hand

time to p

She w;i

door opei

" Whe

put my V

" You

sailed ba

Before

■he was

" Ele;i

you wea;

She pii

itreet ca

"Yo.i

Andt

figure ai

neigh bo I

ohargiii!.

at the ft

■hriekin

vnoonsc

hat was

and if si

ihirts, 9

favours, yon

Mail l)ulge«i
that iirn', aud
thf,-.'- with m-
j^ luiiier his
w il'uip .Mra,
eil (i(}' alons,
S to {lUil off
Fui- the .-anit
c liin tiircugh
p ill tlio cur-
he ji) kt.(l off
liu Jiall, and
raci;, ;uia by
luoii) lie waa
cJotliis. He
Hid I'f^^iu to

tern«i atter

\ li( re are my

icrly I ({.lied
uciiiJv l)( lore
Ay coax.hg a

't ! " slioiited
l\c tnijitied
er, and ilier«
rt- heioie. "
y J. act.'-, held
or siai,s)'}iug
), aiid wimia
ed :

iid tlie floor
havtij't beeu

;d Mr. Man,

i}' things out
;]iie to no all

settling her-

lamitiit with

lit mi 10 out

lavcurs,' mj

It like a bull

oui, triumph.

ftoetly, after
.tr, in latient
d hn (irfc8B
y vould do
^(.t the ehirk

I at shirt h«
t shirt thret
("bile it was
strike ten.
c saw Mrc
Df her neoii^

DRIVING THE OOW.

" Where's my shirt-studs ?" he cried.

Mrs. Man went out into another room and
presently came back witli gloves and hat,
Mid saw Mr. Man em[)t.yin<_' all the boxes he
•ouhl rind in and abi>nt the bureau. Then
■he S'ii'l:

•'In the shirt you just took off."

Mrs. Man put on iier gloves while Mr. Man
kant-fd up and down the room for his culf
bntto'is.

" Eleanor," he snarled at last, " I believe
you must know where those buttons are."

" I h.iven't se.)n them," said the lady. set-
Ming her hat, "didn't you lay them down on
the winnow-sill in the sitting-room last
night ?"

Mr. Man remembered, and he went down-
•tairs on the run. He stepped on one of his
boots, and was immediately landed in the
hall at the foot of the stairs, with neatness
•nd despatch, attended in the transmission
with m )re bumps than he couhl count with
• Welib's adder, and lauding with a bang
like the liellgate explosi(m.

" Are yon nearly ready, Algernon ?" asked
the wife of his family sweetly, leaning over
the V)iiusters.

The unhappy man groaned. " Can't you
throw me down that other boot ?" he asked

Mrs. Man pityingly kicked ic down to
him.

" My valise?" he inquired, as he tugged
iiwav at the boot.

she

an-

" Up in your dressing room,
•wered.

••Packed?"

'•J do not know ; unless you packed it
yours ■If. probably not," she replied, with
her hand on the door-knob ; I had barely
time to pack my own."

She was pass ing out of the gate when the
door opened, and he shouted:

'• Where in the name of goodness did you
put my vest? It has all my money in it!"

•' You throw it on the hat rack, " she
Oftlled back ; "good-bye dear.''

Before she got to the corner of the street
•he was hailed as;aiii.

'• Eleanor! Eleanor! Eleanor Man! Did
you wear off my coat ?"

She paused and tviriM^d after signalling the
itreet car to stop, and cried,

'• Yoii threw it in the silver closet."

Ami the street car engulfed her graceful
figure and she was seen no more. But the
neighbours say that they heard Mr. Man
oharging up aud dawn the house, rushing out
at the front door every now and then, and
■hrieking up the deserted streets after the
unconscious Mrs. Man, to know where his
kat was, aud where she put the valise key,
and if she had any clean socks and under-
ihirts, aud that there wasn't a linen collar

in the house. And when he went away at
la^t, he left the kitchen door, side door and
front door, all the down -stair windows and
the front gate wide open. And thelouniiers
around the depot were somewhat amused
just as the train was pulling out of sijht
down in the yards, to see a flushed, perspir-
ing man, with his hat on sideways, his vest
buttoned too buttons too high, his cuffs un-
buttoned and neck-tie flying and his grip-
sack flapping open and shut like a demented
shutter on a March night, and a door key in
his hand, dash wildly across- the platform and
halt in the midHle of the track, glaring' in
dejected, impotent, wrathful mortification,
at the departing train, and shaking his trem-
bling fist at a pretty woman, who was throw-
ing kisses at him from the rear platform of
the last car.

Driving the Cow.
Mr. Forbes is a nervous man, and it is not
surprising that when Mrs. Forbes told him
the cow li.id got out at the front gate, he was
&o startle I and annoyed that he made some
disjointed allusions to the scene of fieueral
Newton's dynamite explosions. A hen he
went out the cow was stamling very (juietly
in the street, just in front of the gate, idiew-
ing her cud, best navy, and looking as though
she were trying to think of something mean
to say. Mr. Forbes got around in front of
her, raised both his hands above his head,
and, extending his arms, waved them slowly
up and down, at the same time ejaculating,
"Shoo! shoo there. I say ! Shoo ! The cow
turned her cud over to the other side, and
gazed at the appari.'-ion in some astonii^h-
ment, and then began to back away and
m moBUvre to get around it. It is a remark-
able fact, which we have never heard Prof.
Huxley explain, that a cow is perfectly will-
ing to go in any direction save the one in
which you attempt to drive her. When the
cow bfigan to back, Mr. Forbes slowed up
with hia arms and assumed a more coixing
tone. When the cow started to make a flank
movement off to the right, Mr. Forbes keut
in front of her by sidling across in the same
direction, at the same time raising his voice
and accelerating the movement of his arms.
When the cow made several cautious diver-
sions and reconnoissances this way and that,
Mr. Forbes was compelled to keep up a kind
ofChinese cotillon, dancingtoand fro acrossthe
road, keeping time with his shuffling feet and
waving hands, and the children on their way
to school gathered in little groups on the
sidewalk aud viewed the spectacle with
great interest, alternately cheering the cow
and encouraging Mr. Forbes, as one side or
the other would gain a little advantage.
When the cow would make a short, de-

VOICES OP THE NIGHT.

termined rash, c«aaing Mr. Forbes to scuttle
serosa the street, in *> perfect whirlwind of
dust and sticks uxd • rattling volley of
" Hi ! hooy ! shoo, there ! hoo-y !" the en-
thusiasm of the audience was unbounded.
Once, Mr. Forbes got the cow fairly cor-
nered and headed her right into the gate..
but just as the gray light of victory fell
upon his uplifted face, Mrs. Forbes und the
hired girl came charging out in mad pur-
suit of a flock of geese that had taken ad-
vantage of the open gate to stroll in and
have a nip at the house plants on the back
porch. Squacking, whooping and scream-
ing, the flying geese and the pursuing column
came out like a runaway edition of chaos,
and the cow gave a snort of terror and
turned short upon Mr. Forbes, who tossed
his hands more wildly and shouted more
vociferously than ever, and got out of the
way with neatness and dispatch, just as the
cow went by with the swiftness of a golden
opportunity or a vagrant thought. Mr.
Forbes' blood was up, and he was bound to
head oflF that cow if it was in the power of
man. Spurred to intense energy, by the
derisive shouts of the children, he bent his
head and picked up his flying feet. They
got a pretty fair send ofif, Mr. Forbes and
the cow, and as they swept up the street,
they could look into each other's eyes and
glsue detiance while they spurned the dust
with flying feet. Mr. Forbes ran until his
eyes seemed bursting out of his head and
his very soul seemed to be in his legs; the
perspiration started out of every pore; evety
time he stiuck the ground witli his foot he
thought he felt the earth shake, and yet,
though he tugged and sweat and strained
until all the landscape was yellow hefore
his blood-shot eyes, he couldn't gain a hair's
breadth on the shambling, awkward cow
that went sprawling and kicking along l)y
his side, hlling the soft September air with
such a wild, tumultuous, horrible jangling
of bells that Forbes made up his mind to
throw the bell away the moment he got the
cow home. The people on the streets
sto{>ped and waved their hats and cheered
enthusiastically as the procession swept
past, liidits leaned out of the windows and
smiled sweetly on the man and cow alike.
Cuce Forbes stumbled over a crossing and
had to take strides twenty -three feet long
for the next half block to keep from falling,
and he was sure he was split clear up to the
chin and would have to button his trousers
ai'ouud his neck forever afterward, but he
wouldn't give in to a cow if he died for it.
At the next corner the cow turned off down
a side street; Forbes shot across the side-
valk for a short cut, and the next instant
he went crashing half way through a latticed

tree box. A street car driver stopped hia
car and assisted Mr. Forbes to a sittane
posture, leaned him up against a fence and
went on with his train. And as Mr. Forbes
sat in a dazed kind of way, mechanically
rubbing the dust and dirt off his coat and
pinning up long gashes and grimly grinning
aperture in his clothes, there came to his
ears the distant tinkle tankle of a far away
cow btll, the niellowe<l sound rising and
falling in tender cadences, with a dreamy,
swaying melody, as though the bell was
somewhere over in the adj(tinina county, and
the cow that wore it was waltzing along
over a country road a thousand miles •
minute.

Voices of the Night.

Mr. Joskii.s is not an old settler in Bur-
lington. He came to the city of magnificent
hills from Keokuk, aiid after looking around,
selected a rtsideuce out on West Hill, be-
cause it was in such a quiet locality, and
Mr. Joskins loves peace and seclusion. Itii
a rural kintl of a ntighbonjhood, and all of
Mr. Joskins' neighbours keep cows. And
every cow wears a bell. And with an in-
stinct worthy of the Peak family, each
neighbour had selected a cow bell of a dift'er-
ent key and tone from any of the others, in
order that hu ifiii.lit know the cow of his
heart from the other kine of the district. So
that Mr. Joskins' nights are lilled with music
of a rathtr wild, barbarous type, and the
lone starry hours talk nothing but cow to
him, and he has learned so exactly the tone
of every bell and the habits of each corres-
ponding cow that the voices of the uight are
not an unint(!Ui;;ible jargon to him, but they
are full of inttlligence, and he understands
them, it makes it much easier for Mr. Jos-
kins, who is a nervous man, than if he had
to listen and conjecture and wonder until he
was fairly wild, as the rest of us would have
to do. As it is, when the first sweet mo-
ments oi his slumber are bioken by a sol-
emn, ponderous, resonant

"Kaluni, kahim, ka-lum 1"
Mr. Joskins knows that the widow Barbery's
old crumple horn is going down the street
looking tr.r.iT; d^Tr.f: ort gatr, md h:- k> nwl-
edge is confirmed by a doleful "Ka-lum-pu-
lum ! " that occurs at regular intervals as
old crumple pauses to try each gate as she
passes it, for she knows that ajipearances are
deceitful, and that a boy can shut a front
gate in such a way as to thoroughly deceive
his father and yet leave every catch unfast-
ened. Then when Mr. Joi-kins is called up
from his. second doze by a lively serenade of

"To-link, to-lank, lank, lankle-inkle,
lankle-iukle-tekinleinkletelink, kink, kinkr
He kuows that Mr. Throop's young brindl*

is in Thr

tlewsite
of slippers
ap in l)ed
that Mr.
against
■bed, thu
the noisef
s clod, a
when the
bring.s wii
waitc's re
kins' bedr
coustructi
applied ej
sud tinkl
through t
Mr. Jodki
sleep, he
noyeil, to
" Klan
Like tiie
a murder
waite's o
down to 1
anything
listens ti
it reaohet
medley o
him all
and the a
thai: on ti
" tinkle-1
down the
heaps, u
tankle "
cow skin
escort o
*' tringle
ding," o
the sidev
the sIkk
klank,"
cracked i
o-oo-ali-D
lost tlie I
since ke]
supply 11
these CO'
they ar«
And altl
s quiet 1
portiinit
observat
gister a
will kee
so as to
will live
•nd mal
the pica

stopped hia

to a sittung

a fence and

s Mr. Forb«8

nir( hanicuUy

his coat and

mly grinuing

came to his

f a far away

d rising and

th a dreamy,

he bell was

county, and

Itzing along

and miles •

lor in Bur-
f magnificent
king around,
;st Hill, be-
locality, and
lusion. It is
, and all of
cows. And
Mitli an in-
Family, each
11 of a differ-
le others, in
e cow of his
district. So
d with music
{je, and the
but cow to
!tly the tone
each correa-
the ujoht are
im, but they
understands
for Mr, Job-
u if he had
ider until he
1 would have
st sweet mo-
sn by a 6ol-

»w Barbery's
vn the street
('' }?;'" t' nwl-
Kalum-pu-
intervals as
I gate as she
earances are
shut a front
jhly deceive
atch un fast-
is called up
serenade of
Aiikle-inkle,
?ink, kii.kr
ung brindle

TH£ DEMAND FOK LIGHT LABOUR.

is in ThfKigtlewaite'a garden, and that Thros-
tlewatte IS sailing around after her in a pair
of slippers and a few clothes. And by sitting
ap lu Ited Mr. Joskins can hear the things
that Mr. Throistlewaite is throwing strike
»gaiu.-«t the f iJe of the house and the wood-
shed, thud, spat, bang, and the character of
the noises tells him whether the missile was
a clod, a piece of board, or a brick. And
when the wind down the street is fair it
brings with it taint echoes of Mr. Throstle-
waitc's remarks, which bring into Mr. Jos'
kins' bedroom the odour of bad grammatical
construction aud wicked wishes and very ill-
applied epithets. Then when the final crash
and tinkle announce that the cow has bulged
through the front fence and got away, aud
Mr. Joskins' turns over to try aud get a little
sleep, he is not surprised, although he is an-
noyed, to be aroused by a sepulchral

"Khuik, klauk, klank !"
Like tiie chains on the old-fashioned ghost of
a murdered man, for lie knows it is Throstle-
waite's (dd duck-legged brown cow, going
down to the vacant lot on the corner to fight
anything thatgives milk. And he waits aud
listt-ns to the "klank, klank, klank," until
it reaches the corner, and a terrific din and
medley of all the cow bells on the street tell
him ail the skirmishers have been driven in
and the action has become general. Aud from
thau on till morning, Mr. Joskins hears the
" tinkle-tankie " of the little red cow going
down the alley to prospect amonj; the garbage
heaps, and the " rankle tan kle, rankle-
tankle " of the short-tailed black and white
cow skii luishing down the street ahead of an
escort of badly assorted dogs, and the
" tringle ile-ding, tringle-de-diug, ding,
ding," of the muley cow that goes along on
the siilewalk, browsing on the lower limbs ot
the shade trees, and the " klank, klank,
klank," of the tigliting cow, whose bell is
cracked in three places, and incessant "moo-
o-oo-ah-iih " of the big black cow that has
lost tiie clapper out of her bell and has evei
since kept up an unintennittent bellowing to
supply Its loss. Aud Mr. Joskins knows all
these cows by their bells, and he knows whai
they are doiug and where they are goiu^.
And althougu it has murdered his dreams ot
a quiet houiu, yet it has given him an op
portunity to cultivate habits of intelligeni
observation, and it has induced him to re
gister a vow that if he is ever rich enough ht
will keep nine cows, trained to sleep all day
so as to le ready for duty at night, aud ht
will live in the heart of the city with theiii
and make them wear four bells apiece just for
the pleasure of his neighbours.

The Demand for Light Lahonr.

One morning, just as the rush of house
cleaning days was beginning to abate, a
robust tramp called at a house on IJarues-
street, aud besought the iuinates to give him
something to eat, averring tuat h ' had not
tasted food for nine di^ys.

*• Why don't you g. > to work ? " asked the
lady to whom lie prtterred his petition.

" Work ! " he ejaculated. " Work 1 And
what have I been di«iug ever since tiio mid-
dle of May but hunting work ? VV lio will
give me work? When di<l 1 evtr refuse
work ? '

" Well," said the woman, ' I gue&s I can
give you some employineut. V\ liat can you

! '■ he shouted, in a kind ui
"Anything that any man

"Anything
delirious joy.

can do. I'm sick for something to dy at.
Why, only yesterday 1 worked ail day,
cariying water in an old sieve from Flint
Kiver and emptying if into the Mi.-r.issippi,
just because 1 was so tired of having nothing
to do, that I had to work at someinuiLi or I
would have gone ravin' crazy. I'll Uo any-
thing;.', from cleaning hou.ie lo building a
steauiboat. Jest give me work, ina'am, an'
you'll never huar me usk for liread ajiin.

The lady was pleased at the willingness
and anxiety of this industrious man to do
something, and she leil him to inc wood
pile.

"Here,'" she said, •• vou can Jti.v and
split this wood, and if you arc a j:""<l, in-
dustrious worker, I will lind work tor you
to <lo, nearly all winter."

"VVell, now," said the tiamp, wliile a
look of disappoiiitineiit sioie over his face,
"that's just my luck. (July thice days ago
I was piulin' a blind cow out of sx well for a
poor widow woman who had notluu' in the
world but thiit cow to hupport her, an' I
spraint my right wrist till 1 hain't l>ten able
to lift a jxiiiud with It siiiL;::. You km jest
put your hand on it now and ftcl it throb,
it s so painful and intiamed. I could jest cry
oi disappointment, but its a l.d'ie fact,
ma'am, that 1 couldn't lift that axe ab(jve
my head ef I died fur it, anil I'd jest as lief
let you pull my arm out oy mu n,ot« u;* >.r.
try to pull that saw through a lath, .iest set
me at someilung 1 kin uo, thouuli, it you
want to see the dust fly."

"■Very well," said the lady, " ilun you
can take these flower beds, which have been
very much lugiected, and weed tiiem very
carefully for me. You can do that with your
weil hand, but 1 want you to be very par-
icular with them, and get them very cle^a,
and not injure any of the plants, for they are
very choice aud 1 am very proud of them."

1'he look of disappointment that had been

MASTER BILDERBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL.

cliascil iiway from the iiuhistrious man's face
wlioii lii> s.-iw :i prospoi't of soiiietliiim elso to
do. ivriio b.v.'k ilot'pcr tlian oviT :V9 tlio hu\y
dosi'iilioii the m>« j(>!>, iiii'i \\ Ikmi sIu> con-
chiacil, lit- hail to rom;iiu (juiot for a moment
bofori' h'' ooiilil control his iiui>t;oii anfliouuit-
ly to ajuMk.

"If 1 .vin t tho most oiifnrtnit iiiait in
Anicriliv." hi' siij;hoil. " I'm jest »lvm' for
work, orMzy to got .somothin' to do. ar\.l I'm
bhH'ki'ti out of work at I'v^ry ttirn. 1 jest
lovo to work !>mong Mowors ami dig in the
ground, lint. I iiovor dassoiit do ir fm I'm jost
bine ruin ,ru.)ng tho posii-s. Nol).idy ovor
oai'od ; .1 tivuh nii' .inythin aoiuit tl.nvoraand
it*!* a ti'ispt'I truth, nKi'ani, 1 oan't tell a vio-
lot from ,1 sniitlowor nor;» red rose from a dog
fennel. Last plaee 1 tried togit work at, vv«>-
man of thi> lionse set me to \vo:k weiMlin' tlio
p.n-ilo'i, 'in' I wioke 1 ahout .leouple of lionra.
in(Ui:-", r.ius glad to get work, now ymi het,
and I imlled up every last livin' greiMi thing
intii.i' \ af 1. Hope I , may die ef I didn't.
Pulled u't ill tho grass, ovory Made if it.
Fai't. I'ldled up a vine wuUi seventy live
ilolli->;. tiiat had roots reaehiu" el'ai- under
the eellar and into tluMUstern, .and 1 yanked
'em ■ • dit up, every til)re of 'cm. NN'oman
was so heart hroko when she >Mme out ami
see t' r \ atd just as hare as the tloor of a
briek \ard that they had to put her to bed.
Bible's ';uth. tiiey tjid. ma'am : and 1 had to
Work \<n- that house tiire" months lor notliin'
»ml lin.l m\ board, to pay fur the djiniage 1
«lon' Hope to die ef I didn't, .lest gimine
suthin' i kiiiito, I'll show you hat work is.
but I \\-ouMu't dure to go foolin' around no
lltnvrrs. N"oti've got a kind heart ma'am,
gimnu' sorie work ; don't send a deapairin'
man avvav .ungry fm- wiuk"

'"Wvll," riu> l.ady said, "yon ean beat my
caipi'ts for nio. 'I'liey ha\t' jtist been taken
up, and vou ean beat *l,ein tlioroiiudily. and
by. the Mn\e they .are done, 1 will iijivt" aonu'-
thiiii; (>lse ready for you "

Till' man nu.de a gesture of despair and
sat do-v \ on the grouinl, the picture of abjeet
helple •iiies'* ami disajipointed asjiii^ations.

" Look at me now," heexelaimed " What
is goin to lieei>uu' o' m(> ? i)id you ever see
K man so down on his luek like me? 1 tell
you ma'am, you must give mesonuMhin' lean
do. I w ouldn't no more daro to tt'eh them
o.arp(>ts Mian uothin' in tho Morld 1 d

ti'ar 'eni to pieee.s. I'm a awfid hard hit-
tor, an' file last, time 1 beat any earpets was
for a woman out at t'reston, and { jtiat
W«'lt'-i| them earpets into strim;s and
carpet vt\\:», I oouldn't help it. I
CHu't hold in my strength.* I m too
|llad to g<>t to work, that's tno tronlili> with
nu\ ma'am, it's a Bible fact. I'll bent them
carpets, if you say no, but I won't bo rcspou-

sible fur 'om ; no niakiu' mo work for uothin'
fur rivo or six weeks to pay fur tearia 'cm
into slits yer know. I'll go at 'em if youll
say the word and take the rosp 'usibility, bnt
the fact is, 1 am too hard a wi>' ker to gu
foolin' arouitd oarpots. that's just what I
am."

The l.uly oxeusod the energi tn- worker
from going at tho carpets, bnt was ptizzled
what to set him at. I'^inally xhe asked him
what there was he would like to do and eeald
do, with safety to himself and t'o' woik.

" Well, now," he said, " that's eoi.siderit
in ye. 'rii.vt's real eonsid.erit. ami I'll take a
liold and do something that'll give yi th«
wuth of V'uir money, and won't give me ih>
ohanee to destroy nothiji' by workin' ton hard
at ir. If ye'll jest kindly fet«'h me out a
roekin' chair, I'll set down in f'e ■'h \ '■• and
keep the cows front liftiu' the latch of tht
front gate- and gettin' iuti> t h«' yard. An' I'll
do it well ainl I'ldy charge you reisonalile
for it, fur the fact, is I'm so di.ad er.i/.y fur
work tlinr it isn't big pay I want .m> mueh iH>
a steady job. "

.\!id wlieii he was rejected an. I -^ent forth,*
jobless and breakfast less, to wander ii,i ami
down the col. i, unfeeling woiM !m search of
work, he cast stones at the Inuisc iind said, in
dejected tones.

" There, i-ow, th.'it's just tl.e \\a\ . They

callus a bad hd., ami say we'ie la.'y p.nd

tliieves, and wiui't work, when .-t leller is

' just crazy to work and nob(.il\ woi 't give

, him narv job that he kin do Wmu t work I

! I^and alive, they won't givi' u.- work, an'

when we want lo an' try to, Ic y wmi't. let

lis. Thoie .iin't a man in .VnnriUy i hfit 'ml

work as bard aii' as stiddy 'S I would if

they'd gimme a chance."

Master Bllderback Returns to School.

\\ e remember one day l.isf ^ummii', duf-
iiiL' the long v.u'aiion, when the lln'i'kfy*
published a news item stating that a boy
named Bilderl'ack had fallen fioin these.itof
a rejiiiing machiiic, and got t ut to pices, a
patient, wear> looking, and ratiu' hambomt
young lady culled at the utlice, aid aoptvired
to tie vtiy an.xious t<i have that it» in \ciitied.
.\nd whin we gave her all possil U assur-
ance thai everything appearing in th.it great
and good paper, the llauk<-iit\ was i eci ssar-
ily true, sio' dicw a deep ^•'g!' •t n bef .-ind
said she flit acMially thinkiiil Aw wouldn't
have that \ioy to ibnioralize tbe school thtt
next term. .Viid then she siiiile ,s\«eetly.
and tli.aiikcd us for our assiiriig words, and
went away.

Imagine her dismay, then, ab' nt ihethinl
or fou'th day of the fall term, whei' a terrifi*
cheering in the yard, about ten minute*
before bchool time, drew hei to the window,

MASTER HILDEHBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL.

a»

k for nothin'
ir tfiiriii 'om
I'm ir' youll
>>;il>ility. but
iM' Uor to gu
list wlijit 1

itu- wtirkor

was [nizzled

I' :isU('.i him

li> and I'dald

1' \Vi>;k.

'■< i'i«ii.si(li>rit

u\ I'll takeA

civf yi th«

I'ivc mo iH>

vin' t.iu hard

li me out H

<' -!i V ■'•' and

laioh ..f tht

r.l. Am' I'll

I ri'isonahle

111 cia/.y fur

) M> iiiut'h iia

1 -^I'lit forth,'

ii<i«'r 11,1 iuni

'.1 X •I'ch of

.'iiul ,-< aiil, iu

\\a\. They
f la.-y p.ihI

a idler ia

wor't give
'"II t work 1
- \> "ik, Ml'

y >\' n't, l»»t
'>y 'iiat 'u(l

I Mould if

School.
Mimi r, du»-
It' Ihi'i'kvy
lliat a hoy

1 tliO St'jitof

to |iio.'us, »
' liainUomt
il ai'iuvire*!

in \ iiitied.
'I I i« a^sur-

lliat great
N I I'd ssar-

•1 ,(• -uul
I" M I'niiln't

"I'liool th«

s" fi'tly.

ivonis, and

I the thirtl
'• ft lt'irifl«
I Miinutm
e wiiniow,

whem-o looking down, she saw evory last
•t. itaiy lingonng boy in that solionl liistvict
dAUoing ami yoUing about Mastor Hihlorlwu-k,
who was (laiu'ing highor and singing lou<lor
tban any oih« r boy in the oauons, Hi'r
heart »ank within her ; but slio l>iaci'd up
Mid \>ont ilowu stairii to (|nit't the boillani,
uid in ti>e niiirito8 Icarmnl the dreadful
truth. Master Bildorbaek had met witli a
reaping marliino aoeident, but tlie papers
h^il re|i.irti'.i it inoorreeHy. lie had climbed
into tlie seat tlie ni'Murnt his uiu'le. on v.hose
f»rni lie was spt-nding t iio va.'ation, got. d()wn.
Hepro idod one of the horses witli a pin in the
#nd of a stick, and nnidc the (cam run avvay.
The terrilie 1 animals ran the macliine over
twenty stumpsauil m:ished itt(> pioi-es; one of
the horses ran a!.^aiu.sta In ilge stake and was
killed, and I lie other jumpcil »)!)' a bridge and
broke a le:4 ; Master UilderbacU's uncle, chas-
ing alter tlu' llyingteam, haddasiicil through
a liornet's nest, and tlio sociable little insects
oanie .>M' ami sat down on iiim totalk it over,
until his Ilea 1 was swelled as bikj aa a nail-
keg and Ic' c ouldu't opi n his eyes for a week;
% farm hand, wlio tried to atop the horses by
nisliiogout in frojitof them, was hit by Ihe
toULMie of the reaper and kno-ked into the
middle of an (.)sagt> orange hedge, where ho
ituek I'or ihreehoiirs, and tost his voice by
toreamiiig, and was scraped to the bone
when I hey linally pulled him out with grap-
pling ho iks And Mastor 'blderbaek, the
»uthor of all this ealamity, was (hr'Wii from
bis seat at the tirst st\imp and fell on a shock
©fgram, .nd wasn't jarred or brviised or
■orateho I a pirticle. .Vol ihat niglit, wIomi
bia annt h;i".led hisbbmled uncle the lialter
■t'Ap. anil hold Mastci- i^ilderback in front of
bini to re eive nnriteil eastigation, that
graeelcss y.mng wretch seized his annt
around the n.'ck after the tirst blow, and,
Wheeliig licr into liis place, Inld her tliere,
drowuin ; her piercing explanations and (dead-
IngH in Ills own tumultuous, Init deceilfnl.
bowlings ;nnl roarings, until her back looked
Uko a w;n map, and Ihe exiianstrdtincle laid
down Ihe .';tiap witl\ the remark that he
"guessed l;iat would leacli iiim somelhing. "
And so tic teai'her, \\ hen she sa\\' Master
Bililerliai'k at schonlag.ain, felt wciry of life,
and sighed t ■• rest her deej) in the silent
grave if she could find onethat was for rent,
and (iidn't cost more than a ipiarter's sa-
lan'.

It being the young man's (iistilay at school
that tirm, he was f.'elii\g pretty well, thank
you. Heliad a liuht and a half befme tiie
bell rang ; the half light beuig an nnsrecess
ful attempt on his part to ptill enough iiair
out of the buck of another boy's head to stulT
amrttiesH. and a highly successfu' effort on
the part of the other boy to elaw euough hide

off Maator Bilderback's nose to make a pair
of boots of, at which discouragingstiui' ottht
war Master H. tbew off his fnrces, and m ,<.
conciliatory spirit •nt'ornicd the audience t i\at
he w,is only in fun. Then, bcfoie the open-
ing exeicises were half through, three iioys
in his neighhonrhood rose up in their st-ats,
and with bitter wails began feeiing about in
their persons f.>r intrusive pins. Winn tho
lirst class tiled out to it.s place, the cii cling
urin told (lie anxious teaiher tliat M.ister
MilderbaiK Innl inked the end of his nose.
Then he induced the boy next to hun ti> ban
his head back .vuiiinst the w;dl. just as Mas-
ter \\. did ; and wiien fli;it i'omi>laisant boy
was suddenly called on to rise and recite, he
lifted up his voice and wept, for he iiad
pulled .'I piece of slioemaker's wax ;'nd .-ihout
two inches of blackboard slating and pijcNier
out of the Willi witli hi.s biick h.-vir. Then he
spread out till' tad ol another l>oy s coat on
the seat, ami piled aliitl" pyramid of Imek-
shot on it; ami when tlie boy stood up to
lecite, he waswalt/i'd out on tlie floor —
batlied in innoecnt tea;:' and protestin." hit
innocence- for thiowiu'; shot in the lli)or.
and was told that he was growing wo'se than
that Hihlerback lioy. He lied the ends of a
girl's sash aiouiul the back of her ehiiir. and
\\ hen she tried to stand np she w;is abiirst
jerked out of existence. Me was sent out
« ilh .a boy who was taken with the nose
bleed, ■ind found ocvasioti to mix ink in tlip
water lie poured en the sutl'i'rei'a hands ; so
that, on his return, the sufVerer's .uificaranee
created such howls of derision that it si a' ted
the nose-bleed afnsh and threw the I'ailier
into hystirirs. Ileeiitiicd a gaint hound
into the gill's side of the yard, and clapping
a patent clotiiespin on one of its pendent e u'9,
raised the alarm of "mal dog!" and langlied
till he choked to see the howliiur aminal
rushing aroui.d trying to paw the riot lies pin
j otV ; wtiile the sh'.ieking giils wreekcii them-
selves in desperate and freipieiitly .^-iiccess-
I ful attempts lo climb ovi'r an ei-iit foot
I fence, lie jiut a piiichim; bug as big as a
I postaue-stamp down a lioy's back, lie got a
long slate-pencil erossways in h'smontli. and
it nearly ]>oked through his » lioeks hi'fore
tliey could break it and get it out. lie tosa-
I ed a big anph' hard as a rock, out of ihe
third story MinilovN at random, and it ^lluck
! an old ladv in the i'\e as Nhe was \v,di,ing
' along iidmiiint: the building; ami she cimv
I U|> and gave the poor tortured teacher ;i piece
j of liec mind as lonjif as the ilogdays. He
dropped into the water-bucket a lot of oxalic
acid, that had been brought to take some ink
splotehos out of tlie floor, and name withiu
one of poisoning the whole school before they
ftuind it out'; and, (in.-illy, he poked a bi'an
BO far up hia uoae that they thought it was

ODE TO AUTUMN.

coming out of his eye ; and the happy
teacher dismissed him, thoroughly frightened
for t he first time ia his eventful life, and he
ran like a race-horse all the way home, cry-
ing louder at every step, r nd never stopped
to call a name or throw a stone.

Ode to Autumn.

AFTER TENNYSON.

The sPab-ihoppcr creaks in the leafy gloom,
And the bumble-bee bumbleth the live long
•lay;
But tlie mathcringnurks in the bran new broom.
And bushed is the sound of the buzz saw's
play.

Oh, it's little he thinks of the cold mince pie.
And it's Utile he seeks f the raw ice cream;

For I he djing old year with its tr muloussigh.
Shall waken the lingering loon from bis
dream.

Ob list ! For the cricket, now far, now near.

f ull shrilif iilly sinifeth his niundelay ;
Whi.e the iiej^ligent noodle his noisy cheer

bcreeps wliere ibe noodl - bug eats the hay.

Oh, the buzz saw so bnzzily buzzeth the slick
And buinblin;<the bumble-bee bumbleth his
tune,
Willie c hit cricket cricks crickingly down at the
creek
Whi e the noodle noods noodingly, " Ha! It
it is noon!"

The dog fennel sighs, "She is herd she is
hcri'l"
And the smart weed says dreamily "Give us
a rest!"
The hop vine breathes tenderly, "Give us u
bjor!"
While the jimson weed hollers, "Oh, pull
uowu your vest!"

Oh^ Anna Maria, why don't you come home?

For the clock .in the steeple strikes seven or

eight ;
^^ ..y down in llie mazy mazourka the gloam
Is glo.uuing iis gluamiiigeat gloam on the

gate.

The Sorrow on the Poor.
It was a jioor, dejected looking tramp, who
caijic limping wearily into town on the Fort
Madison road, and, with the instinct of his
class, made his way directly tov.ard Main-
BtieiL, wiierc stimulants and company are
most luimerous. He had a very tired look,
and hi^ no'.rly °1>.w) feet secmod to \vci-;h a
ton a piece. Tlie sim liad burned his face to
a deeper brown tiian even the knotty hands
that swung listli sdy at his side. He did not
even carry tiic inevitable stick ; and the
little bundle, without which the tramp's out-
fit is never ccmiplete, although heaven only
knows what is m it, was swung from his
BlmuideiB by a heavy twine string, like a rude
knapsack. No man is alive now that wore
clothes when the hat he wore was made. It
was a fearful and wonderful hat, and at-
tracted more attention than anything he had

on or about him. He limped along Main-
street from Locast, diving into private
houses in occasional forays tor bread, which
were generally successful, for his poor, de-
jected, sorrowful looking face threw a great
deal of silent eloquence into his pleading,
and the women could not bear to send the
low-voiced man away hungry. These forayR
were varie<i by occasional dives into places
of refreshment, where he vainly pleaded for
a small allowance of ardent spirits for a
sick man ; the general result being that he
was courteously refused and gently but firm-
ly kicked out by the urbane barkeeper, who
saw too many of him every day to be much
proved. The poor fellow limped along till he
got a little above Division-street, wlien he
had to pass a knot of young men, and one
of them a smart looking young chap, in a
very gamey costume, and carrying a broad
pair of shoulders and a bullet head, sur-
mounted with a silver-gray plug hat, hung
on his right ear, sang out,

" Oh, shoot the liat !"

The poor tramp only looked more dejected
than ever, if possible, and shook his head
meekly ami sorrowfully, and limped on.
But the young sport shouted after lum :

" (Jomc back, young fellow, and see how
you'll trade hats I"

The outcast paused and half turned, and
said in mournful tones :

"Don't niiiko j^ame of a onfortnit man,
young gentis. I'm poor and I'm sick, but
I've the fcelin'a of a man, an' I km feel it
when I'm made game of. If you could give
me a job of work, now — "

A chorus of laughter greeted the sug-
gestion, ami the smartot young man repeated
las challenge to trade liats, and finally in-
duced the mendicant to limp back.

"Take oH' your hat," saiil tlie young man
of Burlington, "and lot's see whoso make it
is. If it isn't Stetson's, I won't trade."

"Ull, that's Sletsdii's," chorused the
crowd. " lie wouldn't wear auy thing but a
first-class hat."

But the tramp replied, trying to limp
away from the circle that was closing aiouna
him.

" Indeed, yniaig ^euta, don't bi; haul on a
onfortnic man. 1 don't believe I couhl git
that fiat ott'n my liead ; I ilon't iiuleed. I
haint had it off fur mor'n two mouths, indeed
I haiut. I don't believe I kin git it off at all.
Please let me go on. "

But the unfeeling young mea
crowded around him more closely and
insisied that the hat should come off,
and tLe smartest young man in the company
said he'd pull it offibr him.

" Indeed, youug gent," replied the tramiL
apologetically, " I don't believe you ouuia

am.

MR. GEtliOLllAN LOSES HIS DOO.

along Main-
ito private
read, which
lis poor, de-
irew a great
ia pleading,
to send the
These forayti
into places
pleaded for
pirits for a
ing tliat he
ly but tirm-
ceeper, who
tu be much
along till he
when he
en, and one
chap, in a
ing a broad
head, sur-
hat, hung

Dre dejected
)k hi» head
limped on.
r him :
ind see how

turned, and

(irtnit man,
n Biol(, bnt
I km feel it
I cuuld i^ive

1 the 8Ug-

an repeated
I finuily in-

young man
[)so make it
trade. "
nruscd the
Lhing but m

ig to limp
iing around

J Lai d ou a
I cuuld git
indeed. I
ths, indeed
it oH' at all.

ng men

luHely and

oonie ofl^

i company

the tramOk
you coula

ffit it off. It's been on ao long, I don't be-
Uteve you kin git it off ; I don't really."

The young man advanced and made a mo-
tion to jerk off the hat, but the tramp limp-
ed back and threw up his hands with a
clumsy frightened gesture.

" Come young gents," he whined, "don't
play games on a poor fellow as is lookin' for
the county hospital. I tell ye, young gents,
I'm a sick man, I am. I'm on the tramp
when I ought to be in bed. I can t hardly
stand, and 1 haiut got the strength to be
fooled with. Be easy on a poor "

But the sporting young man cut him off
with "Oh, give us a rest and take off that
hat." And tiien he made a pass at the poor
sick man's hat, but his hand met the poor,
sick tramp's elbow instead. And then the

Eoor man lifted one of his hands about aa
igh as a derrick, and the next instant the
silvtr-gray plug hat was crowded so far down
on the young man's shoulders that the pointu
of tlie dog's eared collar were sticking up
through the crown of it. And then the poor
sick man tried his otlier hand, and part of
the crowd started ott' to help pick the young
man out of a show window where he was
staiidin:^ on his head, while the rest of the
congregation was trying ita level best to get
out of the way of the poor sick tramp, who
was feeling about him in a vague, restless
sort of way that made the street lamps rattle
every tinif he found anybody. Long before
any one could interfere the convention had
adjourned sine die, and the poor tramp, limp-
ing oi\ his way, the very persouiKcation of
wretcliedness, sighed as he remarked apolo-
getically to the spectators :

" I tell you, gents, I'm a sick man ; I'm
too sick to feel like foolin'; I'm just so sick
that when I go gropin around for aomethin'
to lean up agin, I can't tell a man from a
hitchin' post ; I can't actually, and when I
rub agin anybody, nobody hadn't ought to
feel hai d at me. I'm sick, that's what I
am."

Mr. Gerolman Loses His Dog.

Mr, Gerolman stood ou the frout porch of
his comfortable home on West Hill, one
"lorrn;^ looking out at the dr zzling rain in
anything but a comfortable frame of mind.
He looked up and down the yard, and then
he raised liis umbrella and went to the gate
and looked up and down the street. Ihen
he whistled iira very shrill manner three or
four times, and listened as though he whs ex-
pecting a response. If he was, he was dis-
appointed, for there was no response save tiie
pattering ot the rain on hia umbrella, and he
frowned heavily aa he returned to the porch,
from which sheltered post of obaervatton he
gloomily surveyed the dispiriting weather.

" Dag gone the dag gone brute," he mut-
tered savagely, " if ever I keep another dog
again, I hope it will eat me up. "

And then he whistled again. And again
there was no response. It was evident that
Mr. Gerolman liad lost his dcg, a beautiful
ashes of roses hound with seal brown spots
and soft satinhnish ears. He was »
valuable dog, and this was the third
time he had been lost, and Mr.
Gerolman was rapidly losing his temper as
completely as he had lost his dog. He lifted
his voice and called aloud :

"H'yuh-h-h Ponto ! h yuh Ponto! hyuhp
onto ! h'yup' onto, h'yup onto, h'yuponto,
h yuponto ! h'yup, h yup, h'yup ! "

As he ceased calling, and looked anxiously
about for some indications of a dog, the
front door opened and a woman's face, shad-
ed with a tinge of womanly anxiety and fast-
ened to Mrs. Gerolman's head, looked out.

" The children call him Hector," a low
sweet voice said for the wistful, pretty face;
but the bereaved master of the absent dog
was in no hunioiir to be charmed by a beau-
tiful face and tiute-like voice.

"By George," he said, striding out into
the rain and purposely leaving his umbrella
on the porch to make his wife feel bad, "it's
no wonder the dog gets lost, when he don't
know himself. By Jacks, when 1 give
eleven dolJ.irs for a dog, 1 want the privilege
of naming him, and the next person about
this house that tries to fasten an old pagan,
Indian, blasphemous name on a dog of mine,
will hear from me about it ; now tliat's all."

And then iie inflated his lungs and yelled
like a scalp hunter.

Here, Htctor ! here. Hector! here rector,
hyur. Hector, hyur rec, h'yurrec, k'yurrec,
k'yurrec, k'yuriec ! (iodfrey's confial,
Where's that dog gone to? H'yupimto,
h'yupont ! h'yup, li'ynp, h'yup ! 1 hope
he's poisoned — h yurrector ! By George 1 do;
h'yuh Fiuito, good dog, Ponty, Ponty, Ponty,
h'yuh Pont ! I'd give fifty dollars if some-
one liad strychnined the nasty, worthless,
lop-eared ciir ; liyurree, k'yurecu ! By granny,
I'll kill him when he conies home, il i don't
I hope to die; h'yuh Ponto, h'yuh Ponto,
h'ljur Hkc ! ! "

And as he turned back to the porch the
door again oj^cued and the tremulous voice
sweetly asked :

"Can't you find him?"

" Naw ! ! I " roared the exasperated dog-
hunter, and the door closed very precipitate-
ly and was opened no more durrig tiie ses-
sion.

" Here, Ponto 1 " roared Mr. Gerolman,
from his position on the porcii, " Here Hec-
tor !" And then he whistled until his head
swam and his throat was so dry you could

8INGULAB TRANSFORMATION.

f ■

I .

light a match in it. "Here Ponto I Blast
the il(»g. I suppose he's twenty-five miles
from here. Hector 1 What are you lookin'
»t, you gimlet-eyed old Bedlamite?" he
gavagcly growled, apostrophizing a 8weet-
fac^ed old lady with silky white hair, who
had just looked out of her window to see
wliere the (ire was, or who was being mur-
dered. "Here. Ponto ! here, Ponto ! Good
do!»i;ie, iiiiie old Pontie, nice old Heckie dog
— Oh-h-h, " he snarleil, dancing up and dowu
on tlie porch in an ecstacy of rage and im-
patience, "I'd like to tramp tlie ribs out of
the loni^-legged worthless old garbage-eater ;
her<', l^ontn, liere l"

To ilia amazement he heard a canine yawn,
a lonj.'-'irawn, weaz-y kind of a whine, as of a
doii who was bored to death with the dismal
weather ; then there was a scraping sound,
anii the ilog, creeping out fnmi under the
porrili, from under his very feet, looked va-
cantly around as though he wasn't quite
Bure but what he h'ld heard some one
callini: him, and then catching sight of his
master, sat down and thumped on the ground
with his tail, smiled pleasantly, and asked
as plainly as ever dog asked in the world,

" Were yon calling me ? "

Mr. lierolman, f >r one brief instant,
gas()ed for breath. Then • he pulled his
hat down tight on his head, snatched
up his umbrella with a convulsive gras^) and
yelliid " C)ine ere !" in such a terriric roar
that the white-haired old lad}- across the way
fell ba.^k in a fit, and the <lng, snrmisingthat
all was not well, brietly remarked that he
had an engagement to meet somebody about
fift y ei;zlit reet under the house, and shot
under the porch like a sliooting dog- star.
Mr. (ierolnian made a dash vo intercept him.
but stumbled over a flower stand and plunged
throngli a honey-suckle trellis, off the pnrch,
and down into a raging volcano of moss-rose
bush, straw, black dirt, shattered umbrella
rilis. ati'l a uVnquitous hat, while far under
the h luse, deep in the cavernous darkness,
came thi; mocking lau^/h of an ashes of roses
dog wi^h seal brown spots, accompai ied by
the tauutiug remark, as nearly as Mr. Geroi-
man .'ould understand the dog,
" Wlio hit him ? Which way did he go?"

Singular Transformation.
Tt :i])pe:ir,s that (hiring vauatirm Master
Bild.iliark. having f.dlen behind m his
■tudii s list term, was coinpelled by his ma
to read Iiih tcliool liooks certain hours of the
day, mit 1 he tscaiied that t/ranny by going
out to h:H uncle Ke;,ser'« farm, jii order to
make hiii study as light as possible, this in-

Senious hoy had dissected, or rather skinned
is books, and neatly inserted in their covers
oertaiu works of the most thrilling character

known in modern literature. When k*
came back from the farm this transforn'ation
business had entirely escaped his memory,
and it was not even recalled when he heard
his mother tell the teacher, who called in
the hopes of learning that that .bean had
sprouted and grown into his brain and would
probably terminate fatally, that he was th*
best boy to study during vacation she ever
saw, and would pore for hours over hifl
books, and even seem anxious to get at them.
Master Bilderback had forgotten all aboot
it, and only thought it was some of his
mother's foolishness, of which he believed
her to possess great store. As for the bean,
the amazed teacher learned that it never
wan discove.ed, it never came out and it
never hurt him a particle, and had just
naturally ceased to be. And the teacher
went sadly away, moralizing over this case,
and that of little Ezra Simpson, the best and
most obedient, and most studious, and quiet-
est, and moat lovable boy in her school who,
one day stumbled and ran the end of a slat*
pencil into his nose and died the next day.
And long, long after she had got out of sight
of Bilderback's house, she could hear ths
hopeful Master Bihhrback shouting, "Shoot
that hat !" and " Pull down your vest !"' to
gentlemen driving, with their families or
sweethearts, past the mansion. Dreadful
boy, she thought, he will surely come to
some end, some day.

Well, it was only the ext day when th«
reading class was called. Master Bi derbaok
took his place for the first time. The boy
next to him had no book, and as lie was
called first, he jnst took Master BiMorback's,
who turned to look on with the boy on the
other side. The class was reading tlie selec-
tion from "Ohl Curiosity Shop," and a girl
had just finished reading the tender )jara-
graphs, " She was dead. Dear, gentle,
patient, noble Nell was dead. Her littU
bird — a poor slight thing the pre.s.sure of a
finger would have crushed — was stirring
nimbly in its cage, and the strong lieiirt of
its child-mistress was mute and motionless
forever. "

Imagine the feeling of the teacher when
the boy who got up with Master Bilderback's
reader went on :

" ' Black fiend of the nethermost gloom,
down to thy craven soul thou lieft,' ex-
cliimed Manfred, the Aveuger, drawing his
rapier, ' Draw, malignant hound, and die 1' "

" * Down, perjured fool 1 Villain and
double dyed traitor, down with thy caitiff
face in the duat. Dare'at thou Icfy 3ie ?
Bea^t with a pig's head, thy doom is scaled !'
exulaimed the Mystic Knight, thr<^wingu]p
his visor. 'Dost know me now? I am the
Mad Muaoher of the Bazzarooks ! ' "

"Mi
blade a

The
the bo>
asked
her it
in ania:
and the
less tlui
Death
reque-
school

SUBURBAN SOLITUDES.

When b*

ransforn-ation

his memory,
'hen he heard
vho called in
lat .bean had
lin and would
It lie was th*

tion slie ever
urs over hii

get at them.
|en all about

some of hii

he believed

for tlie bean,

lat it never

out and it

d bad juat

the teacher
er til is case,
the best and
3, and quiet-

subool who,
k\ of a Hiate
be next day,

out of sight
Id hoar the
ing, "Shoot
ur vest !" to

families or

Dreadful

rely come to

ly vvlion the

Bi ilerbaok
e. 'J'he boy

as he wae
lil'Iniback's,
! boy on the
g the seleo-
and a girl
endei' para-
ar, gentle.

Her little
•esBure of a
as stirring
ng lieirto?

tnotionlese

icher when
tilderback'i

loat gloom,

I'-oPt,' ex-
rawinij hit
and die I' "
illain and

thy caitiff

Icfy aie T

is sealed J'

irnwing uf

I am tlM
»

" Manfred, the Avenger, dropped his
blade at this terrible iiame, and —

The teacher caught her breath and stopped
the boy. In tones of forced calmness she
uked what he was reading, a ad he told
her it was Bilderback's reader, and looked
in aniazi nient at the innocent soho.'jaticback
and the vdlainoua interior, which was nothing
less than "The Blood, on the Ceiling ; or, the
Death 'i'rack of the Blaok Snoozer." After
reque.>tiny Master Bilderback to remain after
school and explain, she called the next class,
one in Arithmetic.

'• Fi>her," she sain, "><iu may read and
analyze the fourth problem.'"

And FAisher, who was Bilderback's next
■eat mate, and had taken that young man s
book by mistake, rose and read,

" Ihc pnrtiost little baby, oh !
That everl did see, uh 1
Thev gave it paregoric, oh !
And sent it up to glory, oh !

F llaey, t'ollacy, my black heu,

."she la.\a eggrt lor uouiieiiieu;
Sometimes '

"III mercy's name," shrieked the poor
teacher, '• wliat have you got there ?" And
investigation revealed the humiliating fact
that wlien Mrs. Bilderback thought her
young son was jmriiig over mathematical
problems, he was leainnig choice vocal selec-
tions out cf "The Full-Back Songster and
Kthiopian Glee book."

When the grannnjir class was called, the
teacher asked some one to bring her a book.
Master Bilderback was the nearest, and he
handed her his, innocently enough, for Le
had been busy with more projects than we
could Tell about in !i week, since the arithnie-
olasB had pone down. The teacher was tired
and listless with that wearing worry and tor-
tuie wbicli is only found in the school room,
and she listlessly and mechanically opened
the book at the place, and said,

"Mamie, how would you analyze and
imrse this setiteiioe," and casting her eyes on
t4u; page, ksI;..' read :

"Oier you doiid vas got some glothes on,
go on dark blaccs, off you blease. Aiu'd
it ? "

She laid <iown tlie book, and burst into
hystericnl teais, unable to exert her author-
ity to restrain the mirth that burst out all
over the school room. 8he dismiseed the
ttohool and had not sufficient energy to pun-
ish even Master Bilderback and that young
xentleman only carried home a note to his
father requesting that citizen and taxpayer to
reorganize his son's school library before
be sent him back to that palladium of our

intry's liberties, the pablio school.

A Bainy Day IdyL

How mane times do I love you, dear i ■'

That is beyond my number's skill ;

Dearer your smiles than aught eiae hero.
Unless it might be my umoerill. ^

Sweet is the glance of your soft brown eyes, >,
Veiled wnen the biiken fringes tail ;

Verse can not tell how much I prize
Thee, and my constant umbersod.

As the shadowy years speed on and by

Over our lives like a magic spell ;
Ever to thee I'll t iidly fly,

Ai.d shelter you under my umberell. : :

Time's wings are swifter than thought, my dear.
When my he^rt is cheered by your sunny
smile ;
Never an hour is yad or drear,
When Iknow where to look for my old um
brile.

Even when life its sands have run
And my leaf has f .Hen sere and yellow.

Little I'll hi ed eidier storm or sun
Sate 'neaih the roof ol" my dear umbiollow.

Ha I But the world is wrapped in gloom —
Storm, rain and (einucsi round me roil ;

Show me the man ! Oh, give me room !
Some wretch has stolen my umbersolo.

Suburban Solitudes.
Mr. Dresseldorf, wh-i can't endure any
noise since be sold bis clarionet, has just
moved intnthe sweetest little cottage out on
South Hill, and here, he told Mrs. Ditssel-
dorf, he would rest and spend his declining
days under bis own vine and fig tree, with no
one to molest or make him afraid. ""We
have a few ncighlourH, he said, the afteinoon
they got comfortablj- and cozily settled ;
"Mr. Blodgerp, next door, keeps a cow, and
will supply us with an abundance of j uro,
fresh milk ; Mr. AVhackem, not far away, is
an honest teamster, I understand, and will
be convenient wnen we want a little hauling
done from town ; Mr. Sturvesant, just down
the street, has a sidendid dog that be saje
keeps an eye on the entire neighbouihood,
and I think we will live plea.«antly
and happily here." And Mr. DresE-
eldorf sat on the porch and solemn-
ly contemplated the hammer bruises
and the tack boles and nail marks
and abrasions of stove lees and the pinches
of obstinate stove-pipe joints on his hands,
and wondered if Providence would be mer-
ciful to him and strike the house with light-
uins before next moving day rolled round.
And with this pleasant and soothing thought,
Mr. Dresseldorf fell into a trance of ecstatio
content, delighted with the holy quiet of the
scene and the neighbourhood, with Perkins'
meadow in the serene distance, the sun sink*
ing out of sight, throwing long bars of bar-
Dished gold through a dump of forest trees
off to the west, and the summer air vibrating
with the hashed hnm U inieot life that floak*

i BURLINOTON ADDBR.

ed to the Dresseldorf porch. So quiet, so
fall of peace, so fraught with meditation and
retrospeccive self-coinmunings was the scene,
that Mr. Dresseldorf wondered if he could
endure so much happiness every evening.
Just then,

" Whoo 1 Who-oh-oh-oh-h ! ! " Whack I
whack 1 whack ! Whoa I ye son of a thief !
Head him, Bill ! Whoa ! "

"What under the canopy — " began the
startlpi^ !ind ^-.^itoriislipd Mr Drpaaelrlorf ; bnt

I'ust then he saw a gray mule with a paint-
brush tail flying down the roa<l, head and
tail up, and its heels making vicious offers at
every animated object thatcame within range.
It was plain that one of Mr. ^ hackem's
mules had got away, as the honest teamstre
and his three sous were seen skirmishing
down the street. Mr. Dresseldorf groaned
as the animal was cornered, and his picture
of peaceful solitude fled.

" Whoa ! Don't throw at him ! Whoa
now!" "Head him off", dad!' "Git
down tb;; i.,ail fdi'lci. T'il': .' " ^Vh'a. v-vboa,
now ! " " Hee haw ! hee haw ! hee haw ! "
" Hold on, Tom ! " " Hurry u]) ! " " Look
out foi his heels!" "Now ketch him!"
Chorus, " Whoa ! wiioa ! wlioa ! " " Hee
haw, hee haw, hee haw!" Whoop! "Hi!"
" VVhoop-pee ! " Dog gone the diddledy
don gone mule to thunder ! "

Mr, Dresseldorf groaned as the cavalcade
went storming and crashing and hallooing
down the street. "Thank heaven they're
gone," he said.

It sounded like a calliope, only it was too
far from the river ; but it brought the man
of peace to his feet all the same.

"Sook-kee ! aook-kee ! Suke ! suke !
seuke ? "

It was Mr. Blodgers calling his cow, as he
emphasized the summons by pounding on
the bottom of a tin pail with the leg of a
milking stool, Mr. Dresseldorf moaned and
buried his nervous hands iu his hair and
tried to pull the top of his head off. While
Mr. Blodgers was yelling and pounding, how-
ever, a hiviicaue came tearing up the road
— a whirlwind of dust and whoops and

fiaiat- brush tails and horns and sticks— and
rom this awful confusion shot forth yells
and brays and bawls and the discordant
clangor of a cotv bell. Mr. Blodgers ran
out into the road, while Mr. Dresseldorf fell
ou his knees and crammed his flnger in his
eara.

" What'n thunder's chasin' that keow, I'd
like to know ? " queried Mr. Blodgers ; then,
raising his voice, "Hey? hi? I say! Whoop?"
And he was tossed over Mr. Dressoldorfs
fence into a garden urn, and the hurricane
nae' * on up the street, leaving Mr. Blodgers
nowliaKiUke a dervish, and l^seeching the

demoralized Dresseldorf to bring him some
arnica and whiskey. Tho wretched man roM
to minister to the sufferings of his neighbour,
and get the two needful medicines ; but just
as he came out of the house the pro*
gramme changed again. Mr. Sturvesant'i
dog, keeping an eye upon the entire
neighbourhood, had met the whirlwind above
mentioned up at the next corner, and had
promptly turned it back. This unexi)ected
retrograde movement I'lafod Mr. ^^'}•1•l•:pm.
the three Masters Whackem, and a small mob
of juvenile volunteers who had been picked
up at one point of the chase and anotlier to
help catch the mule, directly in the path of
the charging mule and Mr. Blodgers cow.
An immediate adjournment was at once
moved and carried, and the entire con\niuiiity
lit out for the nearest place of refug"' ; Ijut
Mr. Sturvesaut's dog kept up tlie chase with
such vigour that the whole vooiferous, yell-
ing, braying, bawling, barking mass name
bulging through Dresseldorf's front fence,
upsetting tb nwnrr rtf fhi .rr,ot';*\' ;i!'<1
carrying him and Mr. Biodgers out into the
alley, where the mass fell ap.nrt, the iniimals
running to their respective stables, and the
" human warious " seeking their homes as
soon as they found each other. Mr. Dressel-
dorf advertised hir. place fv,r s.ale the next
morning. He is fond of the quiet life f)f a
suburban residence, he says, but it is a little
too far from business.

A Burlin^on Adder.

Burlington rejoices in a mathematical pro-
digy. Indeed it is a perfect wonder, and our
educational men and teachers used to tind a
great deal of instruction and some pleasme in
interviewing the child, a bright boy of nine
years. His name is Alfred J. Talbot, and
his parents live at No. 122.S North Main-
street. The boy's health is rather delicate,
so that he has not been sent to school a great
deal ; but he can perform arithmetical feats
that remind one of the stories told about
Zerah Colburn. He was always bright, and
possesses a remarkable memory. In com-
pany with two or three members of the
school board, we went to the home of the
prodigy for an interview. He was marvel-
lonsly ready with answers to every question.
Our easy starters, such aa, "Add 6 and 3,
and 7 and 9, and 2 and 9, and 5," were au-
awered like a flash, and correctly every time
Then «hen we got the little fellow at hi'
ease, one of the directors took him in hand.
He said :

" Three times 11, plus 9, minus 17, divided
hy 3, plua 1, multiplied by ,3, less 3, add 7,
ia how nnny T"

"Nine," akouted the boy, almost before
the last word was spoken ; and the 'School

MISAPPLIED SCIENCE.

hini some
led man roM
8 neighbour,

8 ; 1)ut jUBt

the pro-
3turvesant'«
the endre
Iwirifl above
er, and had
unexpected
^Vb-flrPm.
a small tnob
been jiicked
another to
the path of
iclgers cow.
as at once
commnnity
^efugi' : but
chase with
erona, yell-
mass came
ront feiioe,

•ut into the
^he iiiiiinals
OS, ami the
' hoities as
Ir. Drcasel-
e the next
iot life of a
it is a little

natical pro-
ler, and our
ed to Hnd a
pleaRurein
ioy of nine
Falbot, and
orth Main-
jr delicate,
lool a great
stical feats
told about
Jright, and
In com-
ers of the
ome ot the
'as marvel-
Y question,
d 6 and 3,
" were au-
!very time_
How at hi*
n in hand.

i7, divided
3, add 7,

oat before
ihe School

Inspectors and the newspaper man looked at
each other in blank amazement. Then the
other Inspector tried it :

" Multiply 5 by 13, add 19, subtract 39,
divide by 2, add 7, multiply by 9, add 15,
divide by 7, add 8, mnltify by 3, leas 13,
add 9, multiply by 7, divide by 9, add 13,
divide by 11 — how many ?"

" Ninety-six !" fairly yelled the delighted
boy,clapping his hands with merriment at the '
amazement which crowned tbn cnnnf^flnances •
ot his mterviewers, and the Ihsvm^i org turn- |
ed to the paper man and said, " Take him, '
Mr. Hawkeife." i

Then we did our best to throw the boy. !
As fast as we could speak, and without pnnc- I
tuation, we rattled off this : ;

9 "Add 24 to 17^ multiply by 9i divide by
i add .33 per cent, multiply by 16 extract
square root add 9 divide by ?>-5 of 7-8 add
119 divide by 77^ times 44| srjnare the quo-
tient and multiply by 17i^ add 77 and divide

by 33 how ma "

** But before we eoiiM v,tv fl.o l-j;;!- Tvdlabln
the bov fairly screamed,

"1271 ! Ask me a hard one ?"

We had seen enough, and with feelings
amounting almost to awe we left this wonder-
ful boy. We talked about his marvellous
powers all the way down. Finally it hap-
pened to occur to one of the Inspectors to ask
the other Inspector,

" Did you follow my example through to
notice whether the boy answered it correctly
ornot?"

mUThe tone of amazement err.idnally passed
away from the Inspector's face, as he faintly
gasped,

" N-n-no, not exactly, did you ?"

Then the first Inspector ceased to look
mystified and began to look very much like
Mr. Skinner did when he got the Nebraska
fruit, and they both turned to the gentleman
who represented the literary department of
the expedition, and said lugubriously,

" Did you?"

But he only said :

"The Burlington & North-western narrow-
gauge railroad Avill be owned, not by eastern
capitalists, but by the people through whose
country it passes."

Misapplied 'icienoe.
It was only a few yea»s ago tho New York
Journal of lr\formation published the state-
ment that a man in New Hampshire, who
had been unable to speak for five years, went
to sleep, one night, with a quid of tobacco
in his mouth, and awoke the next moraine
with his voice perfectly strong and smooth
•pd ateady. Old Mr. Jarvis, who lives out
•1^ Vinjii St^^t is sorely afflicted with an
iil^ j;^m»nt ,in, his sp^ech^ and often s»ys he

would give a hundred
only "t - 1 - t - 1 -taw -
fast enough t-t - t - to t

dollars if he could
taw -talk f-f.f.

t - tell a

gug - gug.

gag - grocer what he w - w - wants bub-bub-
bub-before he gug-gug-gets it measured out."
He takes the Journal, and had taken it for
twenty-three years, and he fiijnly believed
every thing he ever read in it ; Sylvaniis
Cobb's stories, Mr. Parton's Lives of Kiriinent
Americans, the answers to coirespondcnts —
Mr Jarvi'.' l)n,d iaken tb.Ti nil •■•\ rw<\ b •'h'"'
ed every wont. He thought tliat probably
this quid-of-tobacco treatment might help
his voice a little, and he resolved to give it a
good trial any how. The first tcouhle was
that he didn't chew, and Mrs. Jarvis would
never allow a bit of tobacco about the house.
But he begged a big "chaw" of uavy, and
when he >vent to bed he tucked ,it snugly
away in his cheek, and prepared to sleep in
hope. He had his misgivings, and they
grew in number an<l strength as the (juid be-
gan to assert itself, and be soi.'iable. and as-

if he fastened the front

Jarvis asked him
i;ate.

" l/m, ' said Mr. .Jarvis, meaning that he
had.

" And are 5'ou sure you locked the front
door?" queried hia restless spouse.

"Urn, "replied Mi-. Jarvis, meaning that he
had not, for he was by this time in no coudi-
tion to open his mouth.

"Hey?" she replied. .„;>...

"Um," persisted Mr. Jarvis.

"What?" she demanded.

"Um-m-m !" protested Mr. Jarvis.

"Well," said she. "you can't make
me believe you are that near asleep this
soon. "

"Um-m-m I'" said Mr. Jarvis: meaning
that he would get up and bounce her
out of that front door if she didn't hold her
clach.

Presently she sat up in bed. .Sniff, sniff !
"John Jarvis," she exclaimed, "if 1 don't
smell tobacco in this house, I'm a sinful
woman. Don't you sinell it ?"

"'M," replied Mr. Jarvis ; which V)y inter-
pretation is, that he didn't smell anything
and was going to sleep,

"It's in this very room,"' she persisted,
excitedly.

"Um," said Mr. Jarvis. meaning that she
must be crazy.

" It's under the bed !" she screamed.
"There's a burglar under the bed I Oh,
help ! fire I police ! John Jarvis I ! !" And
she smote Mr. Jarvia a furious pelt in the
stomach to waken him up.

It was a terrific thump, and its first effect
was to knock aU the atmosphere out of Mr.
jarvis's lungs so far thai he. could. only re-

I .!t

WIDE AWAKE.

I 1

cover his breath by a violent gaap, which
first carried the (jiiid of tobacco and all the
nicotine prejtaration that it iiad been steadily
distilliiiL' down hin tlimat, and was immeili-
ateiy t-iici'ecdt^d by a ireniendons cou'/h, as
hf stru„'^doil to rise up in Ixid, whiau sliot
the iiuii sfjtiart'ly into ti»e eye of the shriek-
ing Mi.s. .Iarvif».

'•Mmdfr! murder !' sue srreamed, "I'm
stabbed I I'm stabbed I '

And ■ioiiii Jarvis ctioUed and coughed
an<l sfiit ;i:iii coughed, and ciioked and
clntclicd , Mrn. ^larvis by the throat
and trit;<l to clioke off her noij<e,
but lie grew so "ill" th;it he couldn't hold
his grip, and Mrs. Jar vis, thf moment her
throat was ride:ised froii liis trembling
pressure, rose from the half strangled gur^lcfs
to the .■sublimity of double-edged screams, and
made itmno howl with melody. And the
neighbours broke into the housie and found
a bed-ioiiui that looked and srnelled like a
jiiryioi'in or a Ktieet car, witli the sickest
man iii(_\' ever law lying with liis he^'d over
the sitie of the bi^d, uroauing at the rate of a
mile a minute, and the worst frightened i
woman siney the Hood sitting up beside him, \
scieanung fa-ster than he groaned, while one I
of her ryes was j hidtereil up with a black
quid (if tobacco. And that is the way Mr.
Jar\is ca'no to sto() his Journal. He
denounce as the most iidaniuus, mendaci-
ous, pestilent siieet that ever disgraced
American ionrnalism.

Wide Awake,
ay Mr. Bellamy, oi I'ond -street, read
paper the following para

One
in a
graph

Many very good people are annoyed by
sleepiiicNS in church. Tiie following remedy
is recomineitcied ; Lift the foot seven inches
from the Hoor, and hold it in suspense with-
out wu[>port for the lind), and repeat the
remedy if the attack returns.

Ko'\, Mr. Bellamy is a very pood man,
and he is suV)ject to that very annojance,
which in his case amounts to a positive
athietioH. iSo he cut that paragraph out,
in accoriLuice with the appjiided instruction,
and pa.Hted it in his hat, and was rejoiced in
his inmost soul to think that he had found
a relief tnmi Ids annoyance. He hoped that
Deacon Ashbury, who had frowned at him
80 often and so dreadfully for nodding,
hadn't seen the paragiaph, for the deaeon
aometimes slept under the preached word,
and Mr. Bellamy wanted to get even with
him. And Mr. Driscoli, who used to sit in
the choir, and cover his own sleepiness and
divert attention from his own heavy eyes
by laughing in a most irreverent and inde-
ooroos nuMUMT at Mr. Beltomy'a Attisif

visage and struggling eyes and head — how
the good man did want to get it on Driscoli.
So he ctiuckled and hugged his treasure, so
to speak, in his mind. He was .so coniident
that he had found the panacea for hi?- trouble
that he went to the minister aii<l told him
what a l>urden liiS' drowsiness had been to Ithat not
him, but that he hail made up his mind now l^as stam
to shake it ort", and he was cert.iin that ha extinguis
had sufficient strength of mind and force of the pew,
will to overcome the habit. And the
ifdnister wa.s so pleased, and i;oinniended
Mr. Bellamy so warmly, and said so earnest-
ly th.'it he wislied he had one huiidrc.l such
men in his congregation, that .\ir. Bellamy
was so elated and iiappy and coulliicnt that
he could liardly wait for Sunday to come t©
try his new method of averting drowsiness.
Sunday came, however, and soon enough
too, for it was Saturday afrernnon ])l".imb, heard all
chick, chock full of men with bills, over- "You'\
due notes, trifling accounts, little balances, Bellamy,
pay-roll, rent, iiairuw-gange subscription,
])olitical assessments and one liiiie tlung
and another, almost before Mr. B. Uamy
knew it, althouuh it hadn't been there haft
an hour befoie he had some suspicion of it,
and was soon very confident of it. Sunday
morning f(.und the good man in his ac-
customed place, devout and drowsy i.s ever.
The churcli was very comfortably Idled with
an attentive congregation, and Mr. Bellamy
was soon cornered up in one end of tha
pew, and the strange young lady who sat
next hiin wa.-. attended by a v>iy small
v.liite, dog, that looked like a roll oi cottoB
batting, with red eyes and a black nose.
The opening exercises passed olV without
incident, but the minister hadn't got t«
secondly Mdien Mr. Bellamy smideidy rousoJ
himself with a start from a doze into which
he was dropping. His heart fairlj- stood
still as he thought how nearly he Lad for-
gotten his recipe. He feared to attract any
attention to himself, lest his precious method
should be discovered, and slowly lifted hiv
left foot from the foot stoul and held it abont
seven inches in the air. As he laised hia
foot the strange young lady shrunk away
from him in evident alarm This annoyed
Mr. Bellamy and disconcerted him M
that he vaa on the point of hiwer-
ing his foot and whispering an ej>
planation when the dog, M'hich had been
quietly sleeping by the footstool opened its
eyes, and seeing the uplifted foot slowly
descending in its direction, hastily scrambled
to its feet and backed away, barking and
yelping terrifically. The young lady, now
thoroughly alarmed, jerked her feet from off
the footstool, which immediately flew ap
nnder the weight of Mr. fiellamy'a other foinL
and the dog, excitedly by thu additioaat

catastrop
sions. D
racket, cs
the aisle,
Bellamy,
much hot

as he did
she had b
crazy,
sought
Bellamy
to the
motioned
minister \
cease, sai

Mr. B(

covered m
garments
was great
into the
with mci
nto his ir
aughter.
After SI
through t
for the ei
}astor, an
lis urfort
ivhose ser
iffair, wa
;oldly :

"JSeve
pologize
lut if yoi
ou are a
lave you
preach.
Mr. Be
)aper, an
Hawkeye
he wret
mares in
or the fe
lappy.

Th
We al
ove chil
nrrong v
lympath
nnocent
heir me
lot reacl
)ure the
lour, cr
irorld fi

I heail — hoir

; (111 Driscoll.

treafsiire, Be

so coaiident

jr liih trouble

Hid told him

liii ' lieen to

lis uiiiid now

rt.iin that he

and force of

And the

coinuiende<l

d so eiii'iiest-

uiidre.l such

Mr. Ht'llamj

)iiiiiiciit that

y to come to

; diuwsinesa.

soon enough

noDM ])lnmb,

lidls, over-

ble hulances^

snbsciijjtion,

liiile thing

li. LUamy

3ii there hafi

spicion of it,

it. Sundaj

I io his ao-

wsy iis ever.

Y Idled with

Mr. lltllamy

eud of the

idy who sat

VviV small

ill or cotto«

1)1mc'U nose.

nil' without

in't got t«

t! ly rousod

i iiito which

airlj- stood

ho l.ad foF-

attract anj

ious method

y lifted hit

eld it abont

raided his

ruiik awaj

lis annoy eel

1 him B*

of lower-

g an ex-

1 had been

ojiened its

oot slowly

f scrambled

irking and

lady, noir

etfrom off

y flew o^

other fook

sdditioaal

THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OP CHTDDHOOD.

catastrophe, fairly barked itself into convul-
sions. Deacon Ashbury, awakened by the
racket, came tiptoeing and frowning down
(he aisle, bending his shaggy brows upon Mr.
Bellamy, who actually believed that if he got
much hotter he would break out in dames,
that not even the beaded perspiration that
was standing out on his scarlet face, could
extinguish. The young lady rose to leave
the pew, Mr. Bellamy rose to explain, and
as he did so, she was quite convinced of what
she had before been suspicious — that he was
crazy. She backod out of the pew and
sought De:vcon Ashhury's protection. Mr.
Bellamy attempted to whisper au explanation
to the deacon, but that austere omcial
motioned him back into his seat, and as the
minister paused until the interruption should
cease, said in a severe undertone that was
heard all over the church.

"You've been dreaming again, Brother
Bellamy."

Mr. Bellamy sank into his seat, ([uite
covered with confusion as with a couple of
garments md a Ivxl, <jnilt, and his distress
was yreatly aggravated when he looked up
into the choir and saw Driscoll, convulsed
with merriment, stufiing his handkerchief
into his moutli, and shaking with suppressed
laughter.

After service Mr. Bellamy, who was all
throu^i^h the service, the centre of attraction
for the entire congregation, waited for his
lastor, and made one more effort to explain
mis unfortunate escapade. But tlie minister,
■vhose sermon had been quite spoiled by the
Iffair, waved him to silence and said, (piite
•oldly :

"isevor mind. Brother Bellamy; don't
ipologize ; you meant very well. I dare say,
)ut if you make so much disturbance when
^ou are aware, I believe 1 would prefer to
»ave you sleep quietly through every sermon
preach."

Mr. Bellamy has since stopped his church
laper, and transferred his subscription to the
Hawkeye, saying that if he could just hud
;he wretch who set stumbling blocks and
mares in the columns of the religious press
or the feet of weak believers, he could die
lappy.

The Artless Prattle of Cbildbood.
We always did pity a man who does not
ove children. There is something morally
nrrong with such a man. If his tenderest
ympathies are not awakened by their
nnocent prattle, if his heart does not echo
;heir merry laughter, if his whole nature does
lot reach out iu ardent loo^gs after their
)ure thoughts and unseliiah unpulses, he is a
lour, crusty, crabbe<l old stick, and the
nrorld full of children has no nse for him.

In every age and clime, the best and noblest
men loved children. Even wicked men
have a tender spot left iu their hardened
hearts for little children. The great men
of the earth love them. Dogs love them.
Kamehamekemokiinodahroah, the King of
the Cannibal islands, loves them. Rare,
and no gravy. Ah yes, we all love
children.

And what a pleasure it is to talk with
them. Who can chatter with a bright-eyed,
rosy-cheeked, quick-witted little durlinjj,
anywhere from three to five years, and not
ai)preciate the pride which swells a mother's
breast, when she sees her little ones admired.
Ah, yes, to be sure.

One day, ah can we ever cease to remem-
ber that dreamy, idle, summer afternoon — a
lady friend who was down iu the city on a
shopping excursion, came into the sanctum
with her little son, a dear little tid-toddler
of live bright summers, and be^'ged iia to
amuse him while she pursued tiie duties
wliich called her down town. Smdi a liriyht
boy ; so delightful ii was to tail; to him.
We can never forget t'e blissful half hour we
spent booking that prodigy up in his centen-
nial history.

"Now listen. Clary," we "^aiil — his name
is Clarence Fitzherbert Aleneon do M;irche-
mont Caruthers — " and learn about (Icoi-ge
Washington."

*' Who's he?" inquired Chirencc, etc.

"Listen," we said, " he was the father of
his country." ^_

' ' Whose country ?"

" Ours ; yours and mine ; the uonfcilerated
union of the American people, cemented
with the life blood of the men oi '70, poured
out upon the altars of our country as the
dearest libation to liberty that her vctaries
can offer.

'• Who did ?" asked Clarence.

There is a peculiar tact in talkins; to chil-
dren that very few people possess. Now
most people would have grown impatient
aiitl lost their temper when little
Clarence asked so many irrelevant questions,
but we did not. We knew that, however
careless he might appear at first, we could
soon interest him in the story and he would
be all eyes and ears. So we smiled sweetly —
that same sweet smile which you may have
noticed on our photographs, just the f.iintest
ripple of a smile breaking across tiie face
like a ray of sunlight, and checked by lines
ot tender sadness, just before the two ends
of it pass each other at the back of the
neck.

And so, smiling, we went on,

"Well, one day, Ueorge's father "

" George who ?" asked Clarence.

" George Washington. He was a little

THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OF CHILDHOOD.

boy then,
father

just like you. One day his

"Whose father?" demanded Clarence,
with an encouraging expression of interest.

" Oieorgc Washington'^, this great man we
were telling you of. One day George Wash-
ington's father gave him a little hatchet for
a ■'

"Gave who a little hatchet?" the dear
child interrupted with a gleam of bewitching
intelligence. Most men would have be-
trayed signs of impatience, but we didn't.
We know Imw to talk to children. So we
wpr.t (,\i ■

•'(ieor,e \'\'!.i5iiiiiirton. His

" Who i^avc him tho iittlo hatchet?"

" His father. And his father "

" Whose father ?"

" Georce Washington's. "

"Oh !"

"Ye°, fieoige Washington. And his
father told Ijiiii "

"Told who?"

"Told George?"

"Oh, yes, George,"

And v:ii wont on, just as patient and as
ploo^o'i*^ v'-s yon f>orV.l inmc;?!:", Wu t"ok iir>
the story w);erc the hoy interrupted, tor avc ,
could see. That he was just crazy to hear the j
ouil (if it. We jsaiil ;

" And he told him that "

"Who told "him what?" Clarence broke
in.

" Why, George's father told George."

"What did lie tell him ?"

"Why, that's just what I am going to tell
you. He told him "

"Who told him?"

" George's father. He "

"What for?'

"Why, so he wouldn't do what he told
him not to do. He told him "

" George told him ?" queried Clarence.

"No, his father told George "

"Oh!"

" Yes ; told him that he must be careful
with the hatchet "

" Who must be careful ?"

' ' George must. " '

"Oh?"

"Yes; must be careful with the hatchet

"George did."

"Oh I"

" but his father came home and saw it

the first thing, and "

"Saw the hatchet?"

"No; saw the apple tree. And he said,
' Who has cut down my favourite apple
tree?'"

" What apple tree?"

" George's father's. And everybody said
they din't know anything about it, and "

" Any thing about what ?"

"The apple tree."

"Oh !"

■ ai)ii v^eoiLji' c.iiiic U[j Mm L^iviu them

talking about it "

" Heard who talking about it ?"

" Heard his father and the men. '"

" What was they talking about ?"

" About this apple tree ?"

"What apple tree?"

" The favourite apple tree that George cut
down."

"George who?" , '

"George Washington."

" Oh !"

" So Gcorgo rr.ini'up ii'J
ing a()<)nt it, ami li'

" What did he cut it down for?"

heard them tallv-

ILIJ

Lis little hatchet.

" What hatchet ?" . ''

"Why, George's."

" Oh !"

" Yes ; with the hatchet, and not cut him-
self with it, or ilrop it in the cistern, or leave
it out in the grass all night. So G«orge went
round cutting every thing he could reach
with his hatchet. And at last he came to a
splendid apple tree, his father's favorite, and
cut it down, and "

" Who cut it down f

"Wliose little iiatchet."

" Why, his own, the one his father gave
him."

"Gave who?"

"Whv, George ^Vashington. "

"Who gave it to him?''

"His father did."

"Oh!"

"So George came up and he said, ' Father,
I can not tell a lie, I ' "

" Who couldn't tell a lie ?"

"Why, Geoi e Washington. He said,
' Father, I can not tell a lie. It was "

"His father couldn't?"

" Why no, George couldn't."

" Oh, George ? oh, yes. '

" It was I cut down your apple tree;

I did "

" His father did ?"

" No, no; it was George said this."

" vSaid he cut his father ?"

"No, no, no; said he cut down his apple
tree."

" George's apple tree ?"

"No, no; his father's."

"Oh!"

" He Baid "

" His father said ?"

" No, no, no; George said, ' Father, I can
not tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet.'
And his father said, ' Noble boy, I would
nther lose a thousand trees than hare you
teU»U«."

3 and saw it

ml he said,
irite apple

ryhody said
t, and "

ln^aiil tlient

George cut

L th'-'m talk-

father gaTe

id, ' Father,

He said,

was "

apple tree;

lis."

rn his apple

LIFE IN THE "HAWKEYE" SAXCTUM.

ather, I can
ble hatchet.'
ty, I would
I hare you

"OeorgedidV"

" No, his fath»a' said that."

" Said he'd rather have a thouaand apple
trees?'

" No, no, no; said he'd rather lose a thou-
sand apple trees than — — "

" Said lie'd rather (ieorge would ?"

"No, said he'd rather lie would than have
him lie."

" Oh ! George would rather have his
father lie ? '

We are patient, and we luvu cluldreu, but
It Mi'i ( "lu-'it-lK'i-i. :♦ A.vii-'iitv'."''" h'"in'i

juncture, wt; don't believe all IJurtington
could have pulled us out of ihat snarl. And
as Clarence Fitzherbert Alencon do Marche-
inont Caruthers patterftd down the stairs,
we heard liim telling' his nia about a boy
who had a father named Goorge, and he
told him to cut down an apple trt-e, and he
said he'd rather tell a thousand lies than cut
down one apple tree.

Sprine- Days in Burlington.

j)(Mv:i vvli(;r(( till' w .J:(!-:"(i'iin siiiin!_'s Iroin iis I

slumbers, I

Openin!< its (;arcliirii cyo to the sun ; |

ijome tijo (lull eclitn'ri ijt' lar ,i w.iv tluiiid'T.s I

Heavy anil last, aj tht; shots of a :-;'uu.
Upon llio hill where the wild (iowora nestle.
liike new fallen stars on the green mossy
strand ;
There come the dead notes of the house-clean-
in{< pestle—
The sound of the earjiet is heard in the land.

Up ! for the 8ont< birds thcii' matins are singing;

Up, for the mornint; is tintintj the skies;
Up, for the good wife the clothes-prop is bring-
ing

Out to the line where tue hall carpet flies.
Up, and away ! for the carpet is dusty !

Fly, for the house-cli-aning days have begun!
Run! for the womanly tenipei' is crusty;

Up and be doing, lest ye be undone!

Late, late; too late. .Just one moment of snor-
ing.
He wakes to the soui.d of the lumult below.
O'er the beating of carpels he hears a voice roar-
ing,
"Breakfait was over three hours ago!'
See. he is plunged in the front of the battle;
Where dust is the thickest they tell him to
stand;
Where suds, mops and scrub-brushes spatter and
rattle,
And the sound of the carpet is heard in the
land.

Life in the "Hawkeye " Sanctum.
The Hawkeye has just got into its new ed>
itorial rooms, and it is proud to say it has the
finest, most comfortable, complete and con-
renient editorial rooms in America. They
are finished off with a little invention which
will be of untold value to the profession of
joumaliim when it is generally adopted ; and
we know that it will rapidly come into >q»*

versal use as soon as its merits are under-
stood and appreciated. A'e believe it is
fully equal, in all tliat the term implies, to
the famous Bogardess Kicker, less liable to
get out of order, and less easily detected by
casual visitors. It is known as '* Middlerib's
Automatic Welcome." The sanctum is on
the sam6 tloor as the news-room, being sei*-
arated from it by a partition, in whieli is cut
a large window, easily opened by an auto-
matic arrangement. The editorial ch^ir is
placed in front of that window, and near tlie
'i":id ot flin sjf'rs ; ni><1 nn fl)p side (>1 ' flic
■ • - 1 ■ ' '■ ■ .-t

editor, the visitor s ahair is placed. It has an
inviting look about it, ami its entire apprar-
ance is guileless and commonplace. But the
strip of floor on which that chair rests is a
deception and a fraud. It is an endless chain
like the floor of a horsepower, and is operat-
ed at will by the editor, who has merely to
touch a spring in the floor to set it in mo-
tion. Its operation can best be understood
by personal inspection.

One morning, soon after the "Middlcrib
"•-!-.;•;;(;'• iLuU-cii ;!■•,. :l v.. i...JtiL:i, '1..
ijosivviciv came in wiin a lunny storj i.o tjil.
He naturally Hopped uown into tlie elixir that
\r\'\ ♦"be tnost npp'^TTT' "' lic^i'.-i^ii i^' t,,
some one else, antl bt^gan in his u.^nai liaiipy
vein : — " I've got the richest thing — oh ! ah,
ha, ha ! — the best thing — oh ! by George I I
c&n'jt — oh, ha, ha, ha ! Oh ! its too fjuud i Oh,
by George, the richest thing ! Oli ! it's too
loud ! You must never tell where you got —
oh, by George, I can't do it ! It's too good 1
You know — oh, ha, ha, ha, oh, he, he, he !
You know the — oh, by George, I ca— "
Here the editor touched the spring, a nail-
grab under the chair reached swiftly up and
caught Mr. Bostwick by the cushion of his

Eants, the window flew up and the noiseless
elt of floor gliding on its course bore the as-
tonished Mr. Bostwick through the window
out into the news-room, half-way down to
the cases, where he was received with great
applanse by the delighted compositors. The
window had slammed down as soon as he
he passed through ; and when the editorial
foot was withdrawn from the spring and the
chair stopped and the nail-grab assumed its
accustomea place, young Mr. Bostwick found
himself so kmd of out of the sanctum, like it
might be, that he went slowly and dejectedly
down stairs, as it were, while amazement sat
upon his brow, like.

The next casual visitor was Mr. J. Alexis
Flaxeter, the critic. He had a copy of the
Hawkeye in his hand, with all the typograph-
ical errors marked in red ink, and his face
was BO wreathed in smiles that it was im-
poMible to tell where his mouth ended and
nil ejw b^;ML He took the vacant chair

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

and spread the paper out before him, cover-
ing up the editorial manuscript. " My keen
rision and delicate sense of accuracy," hj
said, "are the greatest crosses of my
life. Things that you never see are
mountains in my sight. Now here, you see,

is a ". The spring clicked softly, like

an echo t(» the impatient movement of the
editor's foot, the nail-grab took hold like a
bulldog helping a Burlington troubadour
over the garden fence, the chair shot back
through the window like a meteor, and the
window came down with a slam that sounded
like a wooden {^iant 'jetting oiY the shortest
bit profanity known to man ; and .all was
silent ai|ain. Mr. Flaxeter sat very close to
vhe frosted window, staring blankly at the
clouded glass, seeing nothing that could offer
any explanation of what he would have
tirnily believed wa's a land slide, had he not
heard the editor, safe in his guarded den,
softly whistling, " We shall meet but we
shall miss him."

Then there was a })rief interval of quiet in
the sanctum, and a rustling of I'ainicnt was
heard on the i^tairs. A lovely woman en-
tered, and stood unawed in the cilitorial pre-
sence. The li P., on his part, was rather
nervous and uncomfortable. The lovely
woman seated herself in the fatal cliair. She
slapped her little gripsack on the table, and
opened her little subscri))tion book. She
said : " I am soliciting cash contributions —
strictly, exclusively, and peremptfirily cash
contributions — to pay off the church debt,
and buy an organ ?or the Mission Church ot

the Forlorn Strangers, and I expect ."

There are times when occasion demands
great effort. The editor bowed his head,
and, after one Virief spasm of remorse, felt
for the secret spring. The window went up
like a charm : the reckless nail-grab hung
back for a second, as if held by a feeling of
innate delicacy, and then it shut its eyes and
smothered its pity, and rcacheii up and took
a death-like hold on a roll of able and influ-
ential newspapers, and a network of string
uid tape, and the cavalcade backed out into
tlie news-room with colours flying. The
ohair 8to)>^(ed just before the familiar spirit
who was washing the forms ; and, as the
lovely woman gazed at the inky face, she
riirieked : "Merciftil heavens, where, where
am I ?" and was borne down the gloomy
stairway unconscious ; while the printers
whose cases were nearest the wicked window
keard the editor singing, as it might be to
kimself, " Dearest sister, thou hast left us."

An hour of serenity and tranquility in the
editorial room was broken by a brisk,
business-like step on the stairs ; the door
Aew open with a bang that shot the key half-
way across the room, and a sociable-looking,

familiar kind of stranger jammed into the
chair, slapped his hat over the ink-stand,
pushed a pile of proof, twenty pages of copy,
a box of pens, the paste-cup, and a pair of
scissors off the table to make room for the
old familiar flat sample case, and said, in
one brief breath : "I am agent for Gamber-
ton's Popular Centennial World's History
and American Citizen's Treasure fiook of
Valuable Information sold only by sulscrip-
tion and issued in thirty parts eac number
embellished with one handsome steel-plate
engraving and numerous beauiifullj executed
wood-cuts no similar work has ever been
published in this country and at the exceed-
inglv low price at which it i? offered S2 per
vol^ — ."

The spring clicked a like piytol-.shot. the
window went up half-way through the ceil-
ing, the nail-grab took hold like a three-
barrelled harpoon, and the eoinmn moved on
its backward way through the window, Woavu
through the news-room past the foreman,
I standing grim ami silent, by the ini]tosiug
stone, past theca^es, vocal uitli the applause
and encouraging ami consolatory reniarUs of
tlie compositors, on to the jilley windows,
over the sills — howling, yelling, shrieking,
praying, the unha])])y agent was hurled
to tlie cruel pavement, tlii'ee stories below,
where he lit on his h(\id and plutigeii through
into a cellar, whert; lie tried to get u. sub-
scription out of a ni.vn who was shoveling
coal.

The Laneuago of Flowers.

It was a Mt. PieasaTit nirl. No other hu-
man divinity could play such a liturtless
trick on an admiring, nay, an adoring and
adorable young man. tie alw.iys praised the
flowers she wore, and talked so learnedly
about flowers in general, that this incredu-
lous youuL; angel "put up a job "on him — if
one mtiy be so sacrilegious as to write slang
in connection with so much beauty and grace.
She filled the bay window with freshly pot-
ted weeds which siie had i.'.boriously uather-
ed from the sidewalk and in tiio hollow under
the bridge, and when he came round that
evening she led the conversation to flowers,
an.i her admirer to the bay window,
"Such lovely nlants she had," she told him,
and he just clasped his hands and looked
around him in silly ecstasy, trying to think
of their names.

"This is Patagonia i rjiueiitii's, Mr. Bogun-
dus," she said, pointing to the miserable
cheat of a young rag-weed ; " did you ever
see any thing so delicate ?"

"Oh I" he ejaculated, regarding it rever-
entially .; "beautiful, beautiful; what deli-
cately serrated leaves !"

''And," she went on, witli a face as angelic

led into th«
e ink-stand,
igea of copy,
id a pair of
room tor the
tnd said, in
for Gamber-
il'a History
le Book of
by sul'Hcrip-
lac number
-■ steel-{)late
Ilj executed
5 evL-r been
the exceed-
'ercil !b2 per

ol-sliot. the
^'h the coil-
ke a tliree-
II moved on
idow, ilowu
10 foMinan,
If iiiiposiug
he apphiHse
remarlis of
y wiii<U)\V!(,
shrieking,
I'as hurled
iries liclow,
SCii til rough
) get a sub-
s Bliovoluig

) other hu-
ll lieai'tlesa
:.1ori)ig and
praised the
o learnedly
LIS incredu-
pi\ hini — if
write slang

and grace,
reshly pot-
slj' gather-
illow under
•ounil that
to iiowers,
' window.

told him,
ind looked
ig to think

Ir. Bogun-

miserable

I you ever

g it rever-
what deli-

I M angelic

WOODLAND MUSIC AND POETRY.

M thongn she was only say ins " Now I lay
me down to sleep," "it breaks oat in Mie
summer in such curious green blossoms,
clinging to long, slender stems. Only think
of that — green blossoms." And she gazed
pensively on the young man as though she
saw something green that probably never
would blossom.

"Wonderful, wonderful indeed," he said,
" one can never tire of botany. It continu-
ally opens to us uew worlds of wonders with
every awakening flower and unfolded leaf."

"And here," she said, indicating with her
snowy tinger a villainous sprout of that little
bur the boys call " beggar's lice," this Men-
dicantiK parasitatis, what "

"Oh !" he exclaimed, rapturously, "where
did you get it ? Why, do you know how
rare it is ? I have not seen one in Burlington
since Mrs. O'Gheminie went to Chicago. She
had such beautiful specimens of them ; such
» charming variety. She used to wear them
in her hair so often."

"No doubt," the angel said dryly ; and
the young man thought he had done wrong
in praising Mrs. O'Gheminie's plants so high-
ly. But the dear one went on, and pointing
to a young jimson weed, said :

"This is my ^et,thia Jimaonata Jilio/ensis."

The young man gasped with the pleasure
of a true lover of flowers, as he bent over it
in admiration and inhaled its nauseous odor.
Then he rose up and said :

" This plant has some medicinal proper-
ties."

" Ah !" she said.

"Yes," he replied, stiffly, "it has. 1
have smelt that plant in my boyhood days.
Wilted on the kitchen stove, then bruised
and applie{l to the eruption, the leaves are
excellent remedial agents for the poison of
the ivy. " He strode past the smiling com-
pany that gathered in the parlor, and said
sternly, "We meet no more!" and, seizing
her father's best hat from the rack, he ex-
tinguished himself in it, and went banging
along the line of tree-boxes which lined his
darkened way.

Spring Time in America.
Dear, faded flowers, the^ bloom again,

Like echoes of the spring time gojie :
And moasy hillside, shadowy glen.

Break out in beauty like the dawn.
In regal beauty, leaf and bud

Bend 'neath the kisses of the breeze.
And "Spanish Mixture for the Blood'

Smilee from the fences, rooks and trees.

Dear, smiling Spring, what tender hope

Breathes from the life-awakeningsou:
How 'Bolus' Aiiti-bilious Dope,"

And "Dr, Gastrio's Castor Oil-
Bid frightened nature wake and smile ;

For spring time's hlosaoms fill oa lees
With thoughts of paBsies than with Tile

" PaaaeeM " for ^' Bilioaanesa."

If to the wooded nook wo stra^.

Where every swollinK germ is hujfe
With life; each gray-browed rook will say,

"Use Fhilogaflter'd Vermifuge""
If from those sylvan bowers we fly,

We fly, alas, to other ills ;
And farni-vard ^atcs and barn-doors cry.

"Take Qinsengrooter's Liver Pills."

Each blue-eyed violet hides a "Pill,"

There's scent of "llhubarb" in the air ;
"Rheumatic Plasters" line each hill,

And "Bitters" blossom every wh«re.
With "Agrue Cures" the eyes are seared ;

The air is thick, or thin, I meant.
For nature's face and clothes are smeared

With " Universal Liniment."

Woodland Musio and Poetry.

But Mr. Middlerib's greatest delight,
escaping from his daily wrangle with phleg-
matic Peorians, was to seek some cool,
sequestered spot, where the air was vocal
with the song of birds, tliere ♦^^ read, and
ponder, and doze, and blenu with tiie i lelody
of the woodland warblers wrathtui >' jurga-
tions of the gnats, and flies, anci mosquitoes,
and hard -backed bugs that noboa^ ' knew the
names of. But his poetical nature rose
above all these minor distractions, and he
enjoyed iiis seclusion and its sylvan delights.
One lovely morning he sat in a vine-embow-
ered porch, with four cages of canaries
hanging above his head, and the trees around
fairly alive with the wild birds, and as he
listened to the varied, melodious passages of
the wild- wood orchestra, he grew enraptured,
and in a moment of enthusiasm gave himself
up to poetry for Mrs. M.'s benefit. H«
opened the book in his hand, and in a lull of
the music he began :

" 1 cloud lay cradled near the set "

" Tweetle, tweetle, twee twee tweedle dee
tweet tweet !" broke in ear-piercing chorus
from the four cages, "twee, twee, tweedle d«
deedle, twee twee 1"

"Whit a delightful interruption," said
Mr. Middlerib, sweetly; and, with a tender
smile wrinkling his placid face, like the upper
crust of a green apple pie, he waited for th*
music to cease, and resumed :

" A cloud lay era "

"Twee, twee, twee-eeee, tweedle, tweedl*,
tweedle ! Tweet-te-deet-deet, tweet tweet I
Tweedle-de- deedle, tweetle, tweetle tweet
tweet !"

"A poem without words," said Mr.
Middlerib, softly, glancing from his book
toward the cages wherein eight yellow
throats were manufacturing music of the
shrillest key that ever developed an ear-
ache or woke up a deaf and dumb asylum.
Presently he got another chance, and re-
sumed once more :

" A cloud lay cradled near the set

<JTo-whoot! To whoot! Whootl»-t«.

BUYING A TIN CUP.

toot-tv>()t I" oiinie from a bin! in the nearest
Jiiokor}', i\ solomn-looking binl with a brown
biii'k and a voice like a wooden whistle.
Mr. MidiHorib paused and ijlanoed toward
tlir tree, wliilo the benign smile whieh made,
his faee look like a lumaged photograph of
one of the early Christian martyrs, faded
away like a summer twilight. He resumed :

" A elouti ^ay era "

"Too-toot too doodle toot- te-doot ! Whee-
tie de deetle. tweet tweet tweotle tweet,
twee twte wlioot de doot too too, ehip])ity-
wippity. eheep-eheep-elieep, whoot, squaek
8(iuaok !" went otl' tlie whole chorus, cages
and trees, sujiplementeil by a visiting party
of eat-birds, all aroused into indignant and
jealous protest by the obtrusive solo of the
wooden whistle bird, who appeared to bo
jui ubjeet of general iiislike. Mr. Middle-
rib, tliinking lie would read down opposi-
tion, went right on :

■■ — died near the setting sun,
A "-{1 am of erini "

'■ K-r-i r t-r-r !"

A wooilpieker tapped liis merry rounde-
lay on the roof of the poreh, and .Mrs. Middle-
rii> sprang from her eliair with, "Merey on
na I|\vhat IS tliat?" Mr. Middlerib made a
cutting remark about people who had no
appveeiation of the lieautiful in nature or
art, and nMuarked :

" A gleam of orimson tinged its '

" Twee-ee, twee, deedle-eedle-odle twiddle
twoddle, twoot, too too tweedle oi»t ! Teedle
idle eedle odle, twee twee, twee ! I'e weet,
pe weet ! W'hootle ootle tootle too, scpiack
sipiaeU I"

Mr. Middlerib elevated his voice to about
ninety dt reea in the shade and roared :

" tinjied its braided snow,

Long luul 1 wat — "

"Caw, ea\^. eaw I Ca-a-a-aw !" eauie
f.om tin. pensive erow, startled from its
quiet n-ireat in the old dead eo* '.oiiwood,
:>inl Miss Middlerih giggled. lUit Mr. M.
inl't tte>! his lungs and i oared on :

' til. .;liir> mm \\\\; on,
O' f till' ^.lill ra(liane«« — "

" Tv.mile ,le twoolle, caw, caw, tweetle
doodlfl^e.i :\veet! K-r-r-l r i -krk. kikl
tweenee.ll' > <■{ tweet I teedle, idle, wlinot, :
toot, (wool I nho ! stpiaidt, sipiaeU, k r-r-r j

Mur I'p, >'e nasiy, .'•■Muauking, v.allipin'
howliu' litMe heaMsI Slnu)! Ligiit onto'
tills or I'll s'.ne \ efroni lii'i\' to Hiditax! Scat
with yer noise! Olil'' exolaimed "m exaa-

fiorated woisliipper of nature as hi luiiled his
look into I he nearest tree and went oil' the
poivh to link I'or some stoni'S, " If there ib
aiij tiling in tMs world 1 hate nmrt^ than an-
other, its a lot of nasty, llitteiiug, tidgety,

yowping, howling birds! Ugh!" And he
threw his shoulder nearly out of joint, and
ojirained his .•irm. in jv In lenh-an but futile
edbrt to lilt abhukliiid a mih' and a halt
away, with a mek as l)ig as a straw liat. \\v
has dropjied thesuliduir baths for the present
and taken to arniea.

Buyln«r a Tin Cup.

The town Avas do/ing ill the drow<<y sun-
light nf a dull .Vni'ii."'. al'terno«>ii, >\h«n a de-
jeeteil lookiui: man, witii the appearance oi
»>ne who was making desjierate efl'orts to ap-
pear unctmeerntd. steppe. 1 into a j)rominent
and fashionable dry-gocds estaldishnient up
on deft'erson-stiet't. SeeiJiing the jirotlered
8to<d, he braeed liiinself linnly against the
lanuder. and, looking the p.dite and attentive
clerk lixetlly inthee\c. hndvethe impressive
silence by abruptly di'iiiajxling:

" tiimnie tiiilviipl "

" We 'ii not l:eepthein, sir," smilingly re-
plied the alliilili I !erk, and the glare of sus-
picion vitli M liieh that man regarded him
was sullieieiit to idiili the blood of a snake.

" l>( nkee]) tinknp.- ''" he asked, tjuiekly
and distrusttiilly.

" No, .sir," replied tin- (derk. " wo have
no tin-eups. This is a dry-goods .store, \o'i
will tind the tin .^^tore farther up the street."

"Few doidi''<"p uotinkups w alrhkeep l*'
demanded ihe in;u>, im]ierii)iisly.

" We have gren;idin(>s, ealieo.s, bareges,
gros grain rihlmii.--, t;irletan, vel\its, moire,
.•inti(|ne, empress rhitli, pongee and >lapanc8e
silks

Shut her otlT' ejaculated the man, " I'nt-
tit up! I'uttit up!"

Me turiH'd a\v;i3' with a dignilied gesture,
and walked away with stately, thouj.h un-
certain .strides, ami dived into the IMumlor
store, where he startletl the i>roprit>tor by
tlic s.uue ur.,< ut '!i';i::i^l f'lV the "'.iidvup, '
and hewas iiiiaU\ piloted into KaiitX' Kriech-
banm's, where he bought his " tinkup,"
which lie fell down on hefove he got !■) the
Harret House cDrncr, mashing it as Hnt as a

pic OS I. 1 ' . .. -..^ 1.-1;.,' !.it i> 'i v\ ..;gO»l

and, .i.i he iiioNi' ,i\\,t\, i.!,w Ui\sl tile eiti>' n.-
saw ot him he w.aa holding the ilattcnod tin
cup hiM'ore him, exelain.i: g nu iully :
" Devlofa Itxtkin- I ;ikupthatis:"

One of the Legion.

A 1 i;i/.en (>!' <Miiti IJilJ,

llifi viisa^^ ti.'iilied ni lears.
His r.iinie .1 ■•■vk o i<i'd w ith run :tn\ . dn^l.

Ills mit.d ili^li-iiiuihl Willi tears,
W'/is It auiiiK n;) 'n,\ Ihe > hat lei ed m>,lc,

.\\u\ lii-i Kid «>,M'.-* Ki'i.ed around
\\ here ici kle s ruin heri' and tliere

\\ ilh I'r 11 iiii'iii-i a\vi w I il ihe i.'roiiiid.
Dill a lira) iniii sloo I )ie.>iile liim

To heai' wluii heiiiit;lit say.
As lie str<>te1ie(l Idiii out Ids uoud rl^ht arm

And waited lor hi;« i'a.\.

i!" And Ik'
of joint, and
n Imt t'utili'
iiud a halt
vivw 1 1 at. He
11- thf present

(lrow«<y sun-
wlu n a tU'-

ipi^'ninnce of
I'tl'orfs to ap-
a prominent
lisbnient up

the pidtlbreil
JVL'iiiiist the

and attentive
V iniprossivc

' smilingly ic-
i',!;ii'c of SU8-

rc!.' a 111 til liini
of a snake,
ivi'il, ([uickiy

. " wo have

|8 store. Yo'i
i tile street."
w.iti likeojt ?"

eos, liareues,
I vets, nioire,
aihl .lapanoae

Mian,

Put

litied gesture,

iiioiij^h uu-

the rUuulor

proprietor by

;i' " tlTlkup.

autX- Kriecii-
is " tinkup,"
e got t') the
t nx tiat aa a

'i! \\ /.'Mfoti
111.' eiti'-. I..-

ilatlenoil tin

iili.v:

litis!"

I .'lUi. (lll^t.

ir^,

•tl K'Ue,

n<l

lli.ve

UTlMlllli,
Ml

Dvl I'l^tiit arm

A TACTITURN WITNE88.

Tb» weepinu: mover faltered

As Uesaw llie itniymaushunvl.
.\ml lie saiil. " I hiiveii'l a red, lod cent

In al". of ttiis ln>mil fair laiitl.
I liaven'i a (Mollies to my a 'hiiiK back

Save only these ra^s you see :
And all (he furniliire I havo left

Won'l pay you half your fee.
Theri>'s a Ux oi the table in tho street,

.\nd the laiui> !,'lM')t^s sirew the sUiir,
And the sii>vopi|io's llatteneduin like a lath,

Andtheoloolv is not nowhere.

" Toll my wife, if you can Had her.

Thai when thojoh was »h)no,
The fiirnilure wasn't half so Kood

As ii was when we l)rKaii.
That the end of n bureau ahe';4 looking for

la tiowii by the alley Kate,
And the jMirlonr mirror is bent doliad

She ni'vec ran pound it slfaijjht.
We broke tlu< le^s ()f the kitchen atore.

And we smashed the I'aritiu vtute,
And the dray ran ; ver her rockinif chair

And ruined its stati>ly graco.

'"Tell my sislpr, herdarliiix now Hpring hat

NN'as packed in a b);m of corn;
An-i I nevtT aKain can U)()k in her f»ee

And lUt'Ot her ulaiiee of soorn.
We spilled coa! oil on her Huminnr silk,

Aiul we tor»> h«r cashmere saeiiuo,
For h;'r dri'ssiiig bureau fell oirtne dray

And the horse kicked out its bat k.

"Tht>re's another, not a sister,

In kavniier tiays tyoiie by,
You'tl know her by the navaRC light

That gliltcrtMt in Inr eve.
Too business-like for foou>ry.

Tt)i) sharp for my <>xcuscs -
Ah me, I tear atlvtM'sity

lias naiiLcltl but bitter usea;
T«>ll ln>r, riit> last time vt<u saw mo

l<'t)r eri> thi' clock striK(>s ten,
I'll bo at work on tlio "rhii 1 Degroe,'

The hip lieat of nit>n ;
Tiill her 1 saltl that ahe could go

To the bow wow-wow-wow-wows;
That I'd aiay iltjwji town when lodge was
tiut.

And sleep at a boarding-houac
Tell her she need not sit up for m«.

And she n imIu'i leave no light— "
\ Mil >i \ e ei- e>rii'- (Mil of ll^- hall a ml '■;•.!,',

" \ on tloii'l n\i III lui lsiiii;i) tii-nighl. '

His voice was gone in a minute.

He f<a-petl and trit<d tospeak ;
lie tried lo swear, bill the drayman aaya

That he coiiliiirt r.iiso .i.stiueuk.

-S'lil his mi»il<!>'-i!i I'lw ri>iie .-ilow '." ,

Ami calmly s le looked ilown
i)n lht< txreiMi grasit of the litlerctl yartl.

With liouscnold treasuri's slrt>w'n.
Vei4, ealnih <>n thai drtMitlfiil scen«

Sli(> ga/.ed, and looko'l arounil.
And she said to the weeping man by the
gale,

" I'lck th <m thliurs up oil" the ground,"

A Taclt\irn Wltneas.

"Now, then, Mr. O'Sliuui-hut^ssy," aaid
the court, "tell what you know about this
matter in as few ^vonls as you po^isibly can."
" Faix, thin, your anncr, an' 1 will do tluit
same," roplietl the witness witli great volu-
bility. " Av there is ony lliiiig 1 »l<i lie tle-
spisin' it's wan of tliim same w luirrimurroo
gabblers that niver know whin tiiey'ro
through. When ye git troo luiiiipiu, aez I,
lave the handle : that's mc An ye niver
see an O'Shaughnesay in the wor-rl-il, yer
anner, tliat wur a cxckler. I miiul me
mither's own uncle that ever was, 'rim the
croaker, they used to be callin' liim, though
his name was Timothy Mahom t>'l)onl)le-
rigglo Ballbrigganainey, for be the token ho
niver wur known to say more than wan wor-
rud at a time, yer unnur. an' that wan he
I said with a grunt. Tliere was wan dav,
whin he wur gamekeeper for my lortl Donaid
McAlpiu Clanargotty I'allum O'Dowd, s
Scotch geutleman that owned a bitav aslioot*
in' box might be, in tlio north nv

"Well, there, there there," intcrrujiteii
the court, "that's enoiigli about your ances-
try ; now tell what you know about tliis case
of yours, ami stick to tiie point."

"The p'int, is it, aviek '" replied the witncsa;

"Muaha, thin, it wur fwhat, I wur eomin' to

jiat. It'a wliat I sez to Mrs. ()'ShaiiL;liiicsay

twinty times a day, an' slie's tiie wur r-rst

talker between here an' l>ublin bay. ' No-

rah,' scz I ; 'la it you,' sez she : 'Knix tiiin,

an' who else wml it be'.'' sez I ; ' An" pwhat

uv it?' aez ahe ; Div ye mind me now ?' scz

I ; 'Sorra the wan uv me tlocs,' sez she ;

'Wait thin, till 1 tell ye," sez I; 'Whisht,

thin, go on with your blarney, sez alio ;

'Howlilyour hush a miiiit, tliiii,' sez I ; "an'

let's have a secotul uv (|uict ;' 'What !' ao/.

she, 'will ye in the house '!' "l.islhen,' sez I;

■Whisper, t'l'ii.af' sue; ' »Vf.l|^ tlo.n " >"•/.

I, 'kapo to the pint. Av yez will tlo iiothiii'

but talk from the peep o' nmr-rrn till the

lasht wink av nig'at, kape till the p'iiit." .\h,

yer aimer, it'a the wan fur talkjii , she ia, iH

Norah, It i.su't an ()'.Sli,vu:ucsa\ ahe la,

yer anner, her fadicv, c, ; , iii • ..>.i. was

ould F>arby Muldoon, tiie solid iiKiii, an' he

wur siut to Anatiiialia for twenty -siviii

1 years' panai sarvitude fur talkiii' a tiiiaveller

'to ileath when he wur tlhrivin' him from--"

I '"That will do," saitl the enuit sternly ;

"we've hoard enougii of yom i etuiniHeenecs,

, Nt»w you tell what you know uf this case,

I'll line you ftir tuuileiupt. Vou have

I or

'\ii ordinary ease of iivsauit. aiitl battery Tiled informatum again-*' Mollis Meilogadan
was
the

ealied in .Imlge Stutsman's court, and
proseeutiiie witTiess was tlnly sworn :
Pheliin ()'.''^llallgllm•ssy, a little weazen-faced
man, witii a stiiiibly iieard all over his jaws
and a pair of briglit eyes Hanking the snub-
bieat of noses.

for assaulting you witli a paviiu' iiammer,
in the hack yard of Vmir ow ii preiuisea ia
Melrose Place, Hapjiy llollou. un.l knocking
throe teeth down your throat, breaking oiio
of your ribs, and chew iiii; your ear .'IT. Mow
what have you got to .say alumt it ? "

CORNERING THE BOYS.

" "Is it tne, avick ?"

"Yes, you are the prosecutine witness;
that is your own case, and you nled the in-
formation on which the warrant was issued. "

" An' it says that Morris McHogadan bate
me?"

" It does, and it is sworn to."

"Oh, the divil an' all ; who shwore to
thatf

"You did."

"Phwat?"

" You swore to all that."

" Oh, tower uv ivory ! That Morris Mc-
Hogadan bate me?"

"Yes."

" Wid a pavin' hammer ? "

" Yes, so you declared."

"Oh-h-h, thundher an' turf ! An* bate me
teeth down the troat av me ? "

"So you averred."

" Oh, the bloody-minded villin ; an' broke
me rib ? "

' ' That's what you said. "

" Oh-h-h, bones «f the martyni ; and chaw-
ed off the ear o' me ? "

"So you told us."

"Oh, to the divil wid the informashin that
says sich a pack o' lies. Morris McHogadan
bate me ! Och, Moses an' Aarin, its tearin'
ravin' disthracte^ mad I am I Why, yer
anner, it's a bloody-minded lie. He can't
fip one side o' mo ; why, the pig-eye 1 thafe
ov the wor-rold, I clawed all the red hair
out ov the ugly head of him and trowed him
down the bank or the creek, and welted him
like an ould shoe wid a splinter ov timber I
flfrabbed out ov the creek. He bate me ? He
can't bate nobody. I didn't leave a whole
bone in his ugly carkiss, an' av he dares to
•ay I did, yer anner, I'll ate off his other ear
ftn' pound the flu -e wid him. Oh, the divil
fly away wid sich iufermashin. It's the beg-
gar's own lie, an' "

Here witness was cUv short by the court
fining him flOOOand costs for assault and
battery, and Phelim, astonished into a ter-
rific flow of volubility for such a taciturn man,
went away with a policeman, arguing that
it wasn't possible that he conld be fined when
he was the prosecuting witness, and declar-
ing that the case never would have cone
against him bat for "the bloody-minded in-
formashin," which he firmly b«liev«d to bt
the evil work of the deaignmg Morris Mc-
Hogadan.

Cornering the Boyi.
Only a few davs before they moved the
•Apital, a worthy lady of Peoria one morning
detected her two sons laughing immoderate-
ly. Suspecting that she was the oause of
their disreapeotial mirth, the good woman

involuntarily loosened her slipper and called
up the young culprits.

"Thomas, what made you laugh ?"

" Nobody made me laugh ; I laughed on
purpose."

"None of your impudence, sir. John,
why were you laughing at the door just now?"

John (eagerly) — -'Wasn't laughing at the
door, I was laughing at TomI"

Tom — " And I was laughing at John."

The matron assumed a dignified attitude.
" Now, my boys, what were you both laugh-
ing at ?"

Boys (in a triumphant shout) — "We were
both laughing at once !"

The good lady su.iimoned all her energies
for a final effort, and resolved to corner the
boyB by a settling question.

" Now, then, I want you to tell me, Tom,
what made John laugh and you laugh ?" -

Tom — " John didn't laugh a new laugh ;
it was the same old laugh !

Neither of the boys got whipped, the slip-
per slii back to it accustomed place, and to
this day nobody knows what those boys
laughed at.

The Seedsman.
How doth the busy nurseryman

'-nprove each shining hour ;
^i.t>'J. peddle scions, sproutsand seeds

Of every shrub and flower,

How busily he wags his chin.
How neat he spreads his store.

And sells us things that never grew
And won't grow any more.

Who showed the little man the way

To sell the women seedl
Who taught him how to blow and lie

And coax and beg and plead 1

He taught himself, the nurseryman ;

And when his day is done.
Well plan t him where the lank rag weeds

Will flutter in the sun.

But oh, although we plant him deep

Beneath the Duttercup,
He's so much like the seed he sells,

He nevpi ?'ill come u;^.

8eLliu;< Oue Heirloom.
One aftewic lort a week after the big

Fourth of /uly, rt hi g/y-looking man made
hill appearance do vu near the post offioa
comer, carrying in his arms an old-fashioned
cl'jck, f«bout four feet high, with some ghast-
ly locking characters scrawled across the
dial, like the photograph of a fire-cracker
label with the delirium tremens. He set the
dock down, and in loud tones called apOB
tiie passers-by to pause, as he was about t*
make a saorince that would break the heart
of the oldest horologer living. He was going
to sell that clock, he said. An old family
lieirloom, and agenuiue curiosity of antiquiity,

which h
ands of
because
when hi
bread, I
had tha
intellige
plenty.
" Gen
A relic
Chinese
case anc
ounce o\
China
Pitshoo,
hundrec
thousan
course
these ha
is in th(
Chinese
' Time
Now wl
docK ?
eut it t(
Burling
her up ;
men ; t
haven't
can't ge
is in m]
never h
A ma
lounged
the case
was rea
ten ceni
"Tei
eyes—'
Don't B
time to
starvi'i;
for a d-
could r
Why.l
a mont
tells jii
the dc]
when t
dock,
boy ha
it tells
iliunda;
mtnut<
dei>art
ten o'c
it six
dollar!
all nig
in th(
in th
accur*
Ten

>er and called

I langhed on

sir. John,
»or just now?"
ighing at the

rt John."
fied attitude.
1 both langh-

-"We were

her energies
o corner the

lell me, Tom,
angh ?"
new laugh ;

ted, the slip-
place, and to
those boys

d seeds

)re,
r grew

le way

and lie
it

7nian ;

: ragweeds

ideep
sells,

Fter the big
man ma(M
post offioe
il-fashioned
some ghast-
across th«
N re-cracker
He set the
liUed npoB
iS about t*
the heart
) was going
old family
antiquity,

SELLINQ THE HE.IRLOOM.

which he would not ordinarily take thous-
ands of dollars for, but which he sold now
because he was out of work, penniless ; and
when his wife and children cried to him for
bread, he could not say them nay when he
had that in his possession that would, in any
intelligent community, bring them food and
plenty.

"Gentlemen, he said, " look at that clock.
A relic of antiquity. One of the oMest
Chinese clepsydras in the wo"ld. Bamboo
case and sandal-wood running; gear. Not an
ounce of metal in its construction. Made in
China by the eminent horologer Tchin
Pitshoo, as near as can be ascertained, i^hree
hundred years after the flood. Worth a
thousand dollars if its worth a cent ; but of
course I don't expect to get half its value in
these hard times. The inscription on the face
is in the characters of the purest Confucian
Chinese and the interpretation of them is,
' Time flies and money is twelve per cent.'
Now what are you going to give me for that
clocK ? Who will buy this clock, and pres-
ent it to the Iowa Historical Society or the
fiurlington Library? How much? Start
her up ; send her ahead at something, gentle-
men ; there's a woman and five children that
haven't had a bite to eat for two days, and
can't get a crumb till tLe money for this clock
is in my pocket. A marvellous time-p'ece ;
never lost "

A man in brown overalls and a dirty face
lounged up to the clock, and after scratching
the case with a pin, tu assure himself that it
was really a genuine Chinese clepsydra, bid
ten cents.

"Ten cents !" roared the man, rolling his
eyes — "Heaven hold back your lightnings !
Don't strike him dead just yet ! Give him
time to repent. Ten cents to buy food for a
starving woman and five children. Ten cents

for a d " He choked with emotion, and

could not go on for a moment. ' ' Ten cents !
Why, that clock only has to be wound once
a month, and it records every minute of time;
tells just how long it will take you to get to
the depot ; tells when the train starts, and
when the children are late to school. This
dock, gentlemen, will tell when the oldest
boy has played hookey and gone off fishing ;
it tells how late the hired girl's beau stays
Vunday nighc, and it will register the exact
minute of our oldest daughter's arrival and
departure at and from the front gate after
ten o'clock at night. Why, after you've had
it six weeks, you'll not take six hundred
dollars for it. It runs fast all day and slow
»il uight, giving a man fourteen hours' sleep
in the winter and sixteen hours' sleep
in the summer, without disturbing the
accurate arerage of the day a minnte.
Ten cents for sooh a dock as

that ! Ten cents ! Gentlemen, this is
robbery ; it's cold-blooded murder. At ten
cents ; at ten, at ten, atten, atten, attenat-
tennit-tennit-tennet-tena-tena-tena-ten a-a-t
ten cents only am I offered, twenty do I
hear? Atten "

An old rag man, after a critical examina-
tion of the marvel, bid fifteen cents, and was
instantly regarded as a mortal entsmy by the
first bidder.

" Fifteen cents !" exclaimed the seller.
"Gentlemen, knock me down and rob ine of
my clothes, strip me naked if you will, but
don't.pluuder a gasping, starving woman and
five weak, helpless babes. Don't rob the
dyingt Fifteen cents. Why, I've suffered
more than three hundred dollars' worth of
privation and sorrow and miBery,Tather than
sell this clock at all. Fifteen cents. Why,
you set that clock where the sun shines on it,
and it will indicate a rain storm three days
in advance, and will tell where the lightning
is going to strike. Why, you could make
millions by buying this clock to bet on. It
will tell, just three weeks before election,
who is going to beat. It's a credit to any
household, and will run the whole family on
tick. Fifteen cents I why, it won't pay for
the shelf you stand it on. Fifteen cents for
a clock that used to be owned by an emper-
or I Fifteen cents. Oh, kill me dead. At
fifteen cents, fifteen, tiftn, fiftn, fift, ntift,
ntift, nfiftnn^ftnnfift, t-a-a-a-at fifteen cents
for a clock that can't be duplicated this aide of
the Yang tse Kianer. At fifteen ce — thank
you sir, twenty cents I have ; twenty cents
to feed a starving family of seven souls ;
twenty cents for s. barefooted woman and five
ragged cliildren that haven't tasted food since
Monday morning ; twenty cents, from a city
of thirty thousand inhabitants, for a starving
family ; there's Christian philanthropy for
you. Twenty cents from the commercial
capital of Iowa, for a clock that would be
snapped up anywhere else ia the world at
hundreds, merely for its antiquity ; there's
intelligent appreciation of the arts and cul-
ture for you. Gentleuien, I can't stand it
much longer ; my heart is breaking. Twenty
cects, twenty cents, twenty, twenty, twen,
twen, twentwentwen, and sold — a thousand
dollar clock, starving woiuaii, dying children,
hebrt-broken man, and all to the second-hand-
storo man for twenty cents."

He took his money, a ragged shinplaster
and two street-car nickels, and walked away
with a dejected, heart-broken air. He
stopped in at a bakery with frosted windows
and transient doors, to buy bread for his
starving wife and babes, and his voice wtm
hnsky with emotion as he said to the natty
looking baker, whose diamond pin glittered
OTST the walnut counter,

" Oimme • plain aear,"

SODDING AS A FINE ART.

The Romance of the Carpet.

Basking in peace, in the warm Spring sun,
South Hill smilea upon Burlington.

The breach of May ! and (he day was fair,
And the biiijht motes danced in the balmy air,

And the sunlight gleamed where the restless

breeze
Kissed the fragrant blooms on the apple trees.

HiB beardless cheek with a smile was spanned
As he stood with ;i carriage-whip in lus hand.

And he laughed as he doffed his bob-tailed coat.
And the echoing folds of the carpet smote.

And sho smiled as she leaned on her busy mop.
And said she would loll him when to stop.

So he pounded away till the dinner bell
Gave him a little breathing spell.

But he sighed when the kitchen clock struck

one;
And she said the carpet wasn't done.

But he loriiigly put in hia biggest licks.

And pounded like mad till the clock struck six.

And she said, in a dubious kind of way.

Thai -she ^'uessed he could finish it up next day.

Tlion all that day, and the next day too.
The fuzz frani the dustless carpet new.

And she'd give it a look at eventide.
And Hiiy, "'Now beat on the other side."

And the now days came as the old days went
And the landlord came for Iuk tegular rent.

And the neighbours laughed at the tirelesa

boom.
And his face was shadowed with clouds of

gloom ;

Till at last, one cheerless winter day.
Ho kicked at the carpet and slid away;

Over 1 he Tencc and down the street,
Spcpding away with footsteps fleet ;

And uevr;- atvuin I he iiioniiug buu
Smiled ui liim beating hib carpet dt um ;

And South Hill often said, with a yawn,
" When; iuw the carpet martyr gone?"

Years twice twenty h>d come and passed,

A>.<\ ill", vpci •.;\\ a,_M>(l iii the aiii""i'i blast;

For never yet, since that bright spring time,
Had it ever been taken down from the line.

Over tlic fciiee a ;;i'ay -haired man
Cautiously (jlim, clumo. rluai, clum,clam;

He found hliii a si ick in the old woodpile,
Aim iu; guiliered ii up wi h a sad, grim smile.

A (ui-'.i ;Mi;ed cx.i-his (,['•<} forlorn

Ab hc,i.izi'd at hir. carpet Ip.ftcrcd and lorn ;

And he hit a woai rci lundin,;! thwack.
Till the startled air gave its echoes back

And out of the window a white face leaned,
And a paNied hand the sad eyes screened.

She knew his face— she gasped, she sighed :
" A little more on the under side."

Right down on the ground his stick he throwed,

And he shivered and muttered, " Well, I am

bio wed !"

And he turned away, with a heart full sore.
And he never was seen, not none i:o more.

Sodding as a Fine Art.

One day, early in the sjjring, Mr. Blosberg,
who lives out on Nintli- street, made up his
mind tliat he would soil his front yard him
self, and when he had formed this public-
spirited resolution, he proceeded to put it
into immediate execution. He cut his sod,
iu righteous and independent andlibevty-lov
ing disregard of the ridictilous city ordinance
in relation thereto, from the patches of ver
dure that the cows had permitted to obtain
a temporary growth along the side, of the
street, and proceeded to beautify bis front
yard therewitli. Just as he Laid the first sod,
Mr. Thwackery, his next door neighbour,
passed by.

"Good land, Blosberg," he shouted,
" you'll never be able to make anything of
such a sod ai< that. NVby, its three inches
too thick. That sod will cake ui> and dry
like a brick. You want to shave at least
two inches and a half oH the bottnm of it, so
the roots of the grass will yrovv into the
ground and unite the sod with the eartli.
That sod is thick enough for a corner
stone."

So Mr. Blosberg took the spade and shav-
ed the sod down until it was thin and about
as pliable as a buck- wheat cake, and Mr
Thwackery pronounced it all right and sure
to grow, aii(l passed on. Just as Mr. Bios
berg got it laid down the second time, old
Mr. Teinpleton, who lived on the next block,
came ahtug and leiiied on the fence, intently
observnig the dodder's nidvoments.

" Well now, Blosberg," he said at length,
'* I did think you liad better sense than that.
Don't you know a sod \rill never grow on
that hard ground? Yon must spade it all
up til -I, :uiu ')!■(.'.■'-!. t:'(' d'.'t uj) lino and ;;:>tr
to the depth of at least four inches, or the
grass can never take root in it. Don't waste
your time and sod by [lutting grass on top of
such a baked brick-iloor as that."

And Mr. Blosl)eig laid aside the sod and
took up the spade and laboured under Mr.
Templeton's directions until the ground was
properly prepared for the sod, and t)u,n Mr.
Tem))let(m, telling him that sod couMii't die
on tliat ground now if lie tried to kill it,
went his way and Mr. lilosl)erg picked lip
that precious sod a third time, and prepared
to put it in its (ilaee. Before he had fairly
poised it over tlie spot, however, his hands
were arrested by a territic shout, and look

he sighed :

!k he throwed
" Well, I am

t fiill soi-e,
i.'O more.

rt.

Mr. Blosberg,

made up his
nt yard him-

this public-
id to put it

cut his sod,
d libe/ty-lov-
ity ordinance
itches of ver-
ed to obtain

side, of the

tify his front

the first sod,

>r neighbour,

he shouted,

anything of

tliree inches

Uf> and dry

ave at least

ttnin of it, so

nv into the

1 tlie eartli.

tor a corner

ide and shav-
in and about
ke, and Mr.
ight and sure
as Mr. Bios-
ud time, old
16 next block,
ince, intently
its.

id at length,
ise than that.
rev grow on

spade it all
iiiG .'hkI ;:>fr
iches, or the

Don't waste
ass on top of

the sod and
I under Mr.
) ground was
lid t;i(;n Mr.
couMii't die
I to kill it,
; picked up
nd prepared
B had fairly
r, his hands
t, and look-

SODDING AS A FINE ART.

ing up he saw Major Bladgers shaking his
cane nt him over the fence.

" Blosberg, you insufferable donkey."
roared the Major, "don't you know that
you'll lose every blade of grass you can carry
if you ].ut your sod on that dry '.'round ?
There, you have gone iiud cut it so thin that
all the roots of tlie grn^s are cut and bleeil-
ing, and you must soak the ground with
water until it is a perfect pulp, so that tlie
roots will sink right into it, and draw mitri-
tioiufroiu the moist earth. Wet her down,
Blosbi'ig, if you wont to see your labour re-
sult in any thing.

So Mr. Blosberg put the sod aside again,
and wont and pumped water and carried it
around in buckets until his back ached like
a soft corn, and when he had finally trans- 1
formed his front yard into a morass, the ma- j
jor was satisfied, and assuring Mr. Blosberg !
that his sod would grow beautifully now, I
even if he had laid it on upside down, march- i
ed auay, and Mr. Bloslierg made a fourth;
effort to put down the first sod in its place.
He ,i;ot it down and was going back after an- '
other, when old Mrs. Twcedlebug checked ,
him in his wild career. |

"Lawk, Mr. Blosb(?rg, ye mustn't go off
an' leave that sod lying that way. You
must take the spade and beat it ilown hard,
till it IS all Hat and level, and close to the
groiimi everywhere. You must pound it
hanl, or the weeds will all start up u uler it
and crowd out the grass."

Mr. iilosberg wx'ut back, and stooping over
the sod hit it a resounding thwack with his
spade that shot gr..-at flouts and splotches of
mud all over the parlour windows and half '
way to the top of the house, and some of it l
came llying into his face and on his clothes,
while a miscellaneous shower made it dan-
gi'rous even for his adviser, who, with a fee-
bU? sluick of (lisappi-ob.iti(Ui, went hastily
away, digging raw mud out of her ears. Mr. i
B.'ohherg didn't know how long to keep on
poii'idiiig, ami he didn't see Mrs. Tweedle- j
buc; go a'vtiy, so he stood, with his spade

"■'l.->i' 111 .'n;,.!! .Hit' j!'-i i'^ t'S ■ I li'.'iu,
wititiii!.' i'M' instriictiiiiis. And as he waited
he \ra i lirju'ised to hear a new voice acecst
him. ic was the voice of Mr. ThiMtlcpod,
the old iigridilturi^ft, of wlio'u Mr. Llosberg
bougot his ajiples and butler.

"Hril". Mr. Closberg!" h.' shouted, in
tonoi Nil'.icli iidicau^ii that he cither believed
Mr. I'loaherg to beatunedeaf ortwo thousand
mile ■ awa.\.

:\i'\ I'losiKrg wi liked violently to get tin;
.soil (>;;' ut his eyes, and turned in the dircc- ^
tion ot the iiiiife to say " (Jood evening."

"Soddin', hey 1;" askcrl Mr. Thistlepod.

"Trying to, sir," replied Mr. Blosberg,
rather cautiously.

" 'Spect it will grow, hey ?"
Mr. Blo.slKTg, having learned by very re-
cent experience how liable his plans were to
be overthrown, was still nou-coinmittal, and
replied that " he hoped sj."

" Wal, if ye hope so, ye mustn't go to
poundin' yer sod to pieces with that spade.
Ye don't want to ram it down so dad binged
tight and hard there can't no air git at the
roots. Y''e inuHt shake that sod up a little,
so as to loosen it. and tiuai jest pressit down
with yer foot oiitwill it jest teches the
ground nicely all round. .Sod's too thin,
anyhow."

So Mr. Blosberg thrust his hands into the
nasty mud under his darling, much-abused
sod, and spread his fingers wide apart to keep
it from breaking to pieces as he raised it, and
finally got it loosened up and pressed down
to Mr. Thistlepod's satisfaction, who then
tohl him he didn't believe he could make
that sod grow any way, and drove away.
Then Mr. Blosberg stepped back to loik at
that sod, fceliiig confident that he had i;ot
through with it, when young .Mr. Simpson
came along.

"Hello, P)lo.s, old Ij.>y ; watchu doin' ?"

Mr. Blosberu tiiiiotdiisly answered that he
was sodding a little. Then Air. .Simpson
pressed his lips very tightly together to re-
press a smile, and let his cheeks swell and
bulge out to the size of toy balloons with
suppressed merrimont, and dually burst into
a snort of derisive laughter that made the
windows rattle iu the lions., s nu the other
side of the street, and he went on, leaving
Mr, Blosberg somewhat nettleil and a little
discouraged. He stood, with his fingers
spread wide apart, holding his arms out Tike
wings, and wondering vvhether he had bet-
ter go get another sod or go wash his hands,
when a policciuaii came by and pausod.
"Soddin'?"' he asked, seiitentiously.

" Yessii-, a little," replied Mr. Bh>sberg,
respectfully.

"Where'd you get your sod ':" iiiiiuirtHl the
representative of public order.

Mr. 'i^/.;b^r, .uijLiiiii_\ iiivlii'aLu.i tiii; liltle
bart; p:ualleloj;rai)i in tiic .scanty patch of
verduica.s hi.s l>ase of supplies.

" You're the mail I've been luukiu' for, "re-
uliod [juhlie order. " You come along with
nie.

And Mr. i^loaber.;,' went almg, ami the
T'oli>'c .liid;.c lined him. *ll. '.);*». and when Mr.
Blosberg got liMuie he found that a cow had
got iiitii his yanl during his absehcc and
stepiied on that jirecious sod fivi^ timt's. and
put her foot clear throiiih it every time, so
that it looked bke .i patch ot' moss roll-
ed u)j in a wad. mine tlian a sod. And then
.Mr. Blosberg fill on his knees and raised his
hands to heaven, and registered a vow that

THE AMENITIBS OP POLITICS.

he would never plant another sod if this
whole fertile world turned into a Sahara for
want of his aid.

The Amenities of Politics.

" There is one thing", said Mr. Leatherby,
as he was walking down town one drizzling,
disagreeable morning during the last presi-
dential campaign, " that disgusts me with
politics, and th;it is, the violent and abusive
tone in which our daily papers conduct the
discussion of every issue and question which
they touch upon."

" Indeed you may be well disgusted at
it," replied old Mr. Bartholomew, wlio had
just joined him. "It is as much as a man
can do to lift a newspaper off his door step
with a pair of tongs. Time and again I
throw the paper down half read, and I have
geriously thought of stopping it altogether,
for I consider its presence in my family a con-
tamination."

"It is, in truth," replied Mr. Leatherby ;
" it is worse than a contamination. It is
corrupting ; it has a degrading, brutalizing
influence, that is, I am convinced, undermin-
ing the foundations of our moral struc-
ture. The daily press of to-day is one great
engine of abuse, defamation, bad grammar,
worse language and worse morals. "

" I cannot see, for my part," said Mr. Bar-
tholomew, " why men cannot discuss politics
SB freely, as earnestly and as entirely free
from acrimonious expressions and feeling ^^s

Eirely exempt from abusive language of any
nd, from any heat and anger, in fact, as
they could discuss the grade of a street or
the style of a coat."

"And so I think," said Mr. Leatherby.
*' I can not, for my part conceive of an intel-
lect so waiped and na^iuw, a mind so shal-
low, that it can not carry on a discussion in
politics without falling into the asperities,
vulgarity, abusive detraction, and shameful
dander that is the reproach and disgrace of
the newspaper press.

" It is a form of idiocy, I believe," replied
old Mr. Bartholomew. " It is an indication
of a feeble mind that looks upon abuse as
an argument, and bullying as logic. I am
•nd always have been a Republican, but I
otoi express my disapproval of many Demo-
^«tiv; measures in a gentlemanly manner ;
snd if I had not mind enough to keep my
temper, I would consider that I had no right
to talk politics."

"You are perfectly correct," rejoined Mr.
leatherby, earnestly ; " and while we agree
db some points in political controversy, I
being a life-long Democrat, yet we can freely
Mid with matual pleasure, and, I trust,

Sofit, meet and diiouai oar didioultiea in a
«ndly way, without giring way to the in-

sane and detestable exhibition of temper,
ignorance, and prejudice which marks the
tone of the morning paper."

"I had not noticed it so much in' the
Hawkeye," replied Mr. Bartholomew, with a
show of awakeuins; interest in the conversa-
tion ; "but when that trashy Democratic
sheet that pollutes the evening air is brought
to me by my neighbour, an ignorant dolt who
can neither read nor write, but takes the
paper as a party duty, and asks me to read
it to him, I am amazed that the gods of truth
and decency do not annihilate the infamous,
puerile sheet with their thunderlK>lts. "

" You must bear in mind, however," re-
joined Mr. Leatherby, speaking a trifle louder
thab was necessary in addressing a companion
whose hand was resting on his arm, "the
Gazette h.~* such a tide of corruption, such an
avalanche of political bigotry and villainy to
rebuke, that its voice must be raised in order
to be heard ; and it must speak buldly, de-
fiantly, and in the thunder tones of righteous
denunciation, to staitle the people into a
realizing sense of the peril which threatens
the country from Republican misrule and
tryanny. "

" By George 1' shouted Mr. BartholomeWi
"the Republican party is the last, the only
bulwark between the republic and eternal
ruin. I tell you, sir, once let the Democratie

{)arty obtain control of this government; oace
et that iufaiNons organization of political
thieves, kuueks, outlaws, and castaways take
charge of our political machinery, and we
will tind ourselves in the hands of a horde of
the most abandoned profligates, the most ut-
terly unprincipled, the most vicious, demoral-
ized, unconscionable, diabolical set of scoun-
drels that ever cheated the gallows."

" By the long-horned spoon !" roared Mr.
Leatherby , jerking his arm away from Mr.
Bartholomew's hand ; " if the satanic and in-
fernal plans of the Republican party were
carried out, with all their attendant knavery
and debauchery, this government would bea
rule of branded malefaotors and convicts, a
government of felons, a penal colony in which
the most hopelessly irreclaimable, graceless
villains wonld administer the law. The bad
faith of the Republican party, its ignominious
record, its vicious tendencies, has shockMl
the Christian world, and——"

" You're a liar !" yelled Mr. Bartholomew,
" and you are just like the rest of your 1 >esot*
ted, low-lived, ignorant class— a low, mean,
pitiful, beggarly, unscrupuIoHi and treacher-
ous set ; whose impudence in asking for th<^
votes of honourable men is only equalled by
your rapacious and mnbridled greed for office,;

your "

" Yon are an old fool !" howled Mr. Leath-
erby^ " a oensoriotiB, clamorous, sourriloas.

foul-tongu
my name '
You mista
gument, a
ment of fa
slander a
answer."
Shut
" Don t y
Blap year
your head
" You c
pulling ot!
Bartholon
publican i
and ring
bo the sne
meetings !
"You'r
take it n\
ing off his
Then N
him twic(
arms of hi
loose in
by a r
with his
by stop
over his
mew got :
with his c
the rooks
broke tv
hit Mr. 1^
old gentle
dropited li
to the sto
the other
erby hnrli
missed th
eye of a p
rate them
rested tlu
and coats
they both
hatred au
abuse of 1
their inlli
the good

It hapi
ordinary
broken b
ly drama
there cor
a quiet,
few shori
sanctum
pressed 1
ef thepl
quick, av
woman

of temper,
marks the

nuch in' the
mew, with a
be conversa-
Deraocrati«
ir is brought
iDt dolt who
takea the
me to read
;ods of troth
le infaraoas,
bolts."
owever," re-
tritie louder
a companion
arm, "the
ion, suoh an
1 villainy to
iaed in order
buldly, de-
of righteous
tople into a
h threatens
nisrule and

rtholomeWi
it, the only
and eternal
Damocratie
imeut; once
of political
kawajs take
ry, and we
f a horde of
he most nt*
IS, demoral-
9t of scoun-

B."

roared iJir,
/ from Mr.
mic and in-
party weN
nt knaTerj
would be a
convicts, a
ky in which
, graceless
The bad
{nominious
as shockad

tholomew,
^our?>eaot'
ow, mean,
1 treacher-
ing for thu
rinalled by
i for office,;

Ar. JLeath'
lourriloaf,.

A THRILLING ENCOUNTER.

fonl-tongued old reprobate, and I disgrace
my name when I talk to you on the street.
You mistake vituperation and abuse for ar-
gument, and you reply to a simple plain state-
ment of facts with malignant and defamatory
slander and calumny, because you can't
answer."

"Shut up!" shrieked Mr. Bartholomew.
" Don t you say another word to me, or I'll
slap year ugly mouth ! By Geori^e, I'll kick
your headofif! '

" You can't do it !" roared Mr. I.catherby,
pulling olf his coat, and dancing around Mr.
Bartholomew. " 1 can lick the whole lie-
publican party, from the big whiskey thief
and ring master in the White House down
to the sneak thief that picks pockets at mass
meetings ! I can "

"You're a fighting liar, and you daren't
take it ii}* !" howled Mr. Bartholomew, pull-
ing off his coat.

Then Mr. Leatherby ran up and kicked
him twice while he was struggling in the
arms of his coat, but the old geiitlemeu got
loose in a iias»h and hit Mr. Leather
by a resounding thwack on the nose
with his oane, and when Mr. Leather-
by stopped to hold a handkerchief
over his bleeding proboscis, Mr. Bartliolo-
mew got in a couple more real good ones
with his oane ; then Mr. Leatherby went for
the rooks in the macadamized street. He
broke tv windows iu a grocery })efore lie
hit Mr. Bartholomew when he caught the
old gentleman on the side of the head and
drop})ed him. Then Mr. BarthcdomeW took
to the sttine pile and hit a young lady on
the other side of the street, and Mr. Leath-
erby hurled a tremendous big rock, which
missed the old gentleman and blacked the
eye of a policeman who was coming to sepa-
rate them, but was so incensed that he ar-
rested tliem, and they were each fined $10
uid coats for righting in the street. And
they both finnly believe that the unbridled
hatred and unreasonable recriminations and
abuse of the daily ])apeid are iniquitous in
their intlueuce and should be suppressed for
the good of society.

A Thrilling Encounter.

It happens once in a wliile, that even the
ordinary routine of the editorial sanctum is
broken V>y incidents and scenes tliat are fair-
ly dramatic in their character. As we write,
there comes back tu us the reminiscences of

quiet, sleepy summer afternoon, only a
few short years ago. The very Hies in the
■anctum buzzed lazily about the room, op-
pressed by the heat and the quiet loneliness
ef the plaloe, when the door opened with a
quick, sudden snap, and we turned and saw a
woman stepping into the room. She was

not old, and her face, haggard with care and
seamed with trouble, still bore traces of
great beauty. She came into the office with
a quick, nervous tread, and there was a
hunted look in her eyes that betrayed the
fugitive. She closed the door behind her,
and turned the key in almost the same mo-
tion, with the quick instinctive manner of a
person who had fallen into the habit vf iso-
lating herself from observation and puisuit
at every opportunity. She refused to sit
down, but saiil :

"I can tell you all you want to know about
rae in very few words — I am a fugitive."

We told her we had giiessed as much, and
we besoui^ht her to oontide nothing to us.
We could not help her, we said ; our duty
as a journalist would not permit us to uxteud
any help to a person flying from the law.
She said :

"I do not want j^ou to aid me in farther
flight ; I am tired to death. My own cou-
Rcience,more pitiless th.\u the minions of the
law, has pursued me for years with a
whip of scorpions. I c-,ai not escaj)e. its ter-
rible lashings. I can not 11 j' from my i)iiniNh»
nient if I would, and I am anxious it sliould
be over. Death would be a welcome relief,
if it would but come. "

And we told the panting, weary creature
to tell none of her story to us, and jidvi.sed
her to go the police headquarters and ^ive
herself into the hands of the law, which
would deal justly, and, we had no doubt, in
view of her sufl'crin^'s and remorse, merci-
fully with her.

" I can not 1" she exclaimed, covering her
face with her hands, and ])reai<ing into enn-
vulsive sobs ; " 1 can not, I can not. Y(m
do not know there are otiier hearts \vould
ache if I gave myself up and told all. I
want to tell my story to some one wiio will
pity me and a<lvise mo. Tliere are those
whose hands are as dark with inefl'accable
stains as mine are, but who do not suffer the
mental agony that oppresses me. Shall 1, in
order to esci])e the lashings of my own con-
science, consign tiiese, whoso lives are happy
and whose hearts know no remorse, to the
same punishment for which 1 yearn ?"

We asked her (for our curiosity conquered
our caution) if it was possible that one so
young and fair was the centre of a wide-
spreading circle of crime that held in its
horrid entanglements so many others beside
herself ?

"Aye," she said, bitterly, " If I went to
the gallows through a court of justice, I
would lead with me, held by the same ter-
rible links of evidence, a gruilty train of
men hardened in crime, and their hands
steeped in innocent blond ?"

" Wouuri, woman !" we exclaimed, in

tfn i m m rt> «i n » s ifcw> * iit* "

FIVE WOMEN.

horrified tones, "iu the name of heaven,
who and what are you t"

"Oil, heaven help me !" she Hhrieked, in a
voice that chilled our marrow — "I am old
man Bender I"

A weirii, Avild whoop rent the silence of
the sanctum— ^ and the woman was alone.
There was a sound as of a risiiij.; journalist
■crambling uo through the narrow eoj;y tube,
and the next instant u bare h»;ad, with a
quill over one car, burst throui^h the hatch-
way in the roof, and, followed by a complete
set of cdlronrl anntoniv, emorucd. aTid run-

i>ii>'r hr

-i.' It' +. . Ttl(i V .'ll

f.V*^ 1

day (puff, puff), and I can't sleep at night,
and I'm afraid I'll have to give up entirely
(puff, puff). I could hardly get out to-daj
(puff, puff, putt"). I went to GreenV)aum and
Schroder's and around to Guest s and down
to Carpenter's (puff, i)uff), and ijito Parsons'
and up to Mrs. Vooihees' (puff, putl), and
down to Wyman's and up to Wesley Jones'
and into Gua Dodge's and (puff, puff, puff)
down to the express office, and then by
the time I had made a couple of calls out on
North Hill and went to the doctor's, I was
aa tired as tlioue') I had walktd a mile (|;uff.

•iM'

!;liil I

dis.ii)pe«iod dou"u t'a iightii: ' , ii/ii, and was I
sect) 110 more until the next day at tiirce |
p.m.

We never saw the wonnm again, and wist j
not where she is, but we smile in bitter
derision whenever we read that the police
nave arrested an old man aiisweriug the
description of old man Bender.

It was a sad scone when the authorities
took a poor man froni Happy Hollow, and
sent him out to tlie ])oor house. Tl;.; ..art
incT !)"■ ween tliH {♦'iiiv mvn av.i his t^ievp' i
dog-i, which he distfibuteil aiiioug hi.s sym- !
pa'..hizing relatives. wa« affecting in ;.1k' ex- |
trtMOf. Nit; l»':!ie\c rn<j nuui iiaa ;i tew'
children, too, but not enough to make a fuss
about.

A bashful young man, while out driving
with the dearest girl in tlie world, had to
get out and l)uckle the crupper, and hesitat-
ingly exclaimed that "the animal's bustle
had come loose."

Five Women.

One afternoon five women went out on
South Hill in a street car. One of them was
a fat woman in a black dress, with a cameo
pin as large as a stucco ornament. She
breathed at high pressure, about 103 to the
minute. A woman with a thin, long neck,
and sad eyes, and a Paisley shawl, sitting on
the other side of the car, said, in a feeble
voice :

" Good afternoon, Mrs. Waughop."

" Oh, (puff) Mrs. Dresseldorf, (ijuff, puff,)
how do (puff) you do ?" (Puff, puff. )

" Oh, I ain't feeling well at all. I've had
so much trouble with my lungs, and nothing
seems to do them any good. I've tried onion
gargle, and three kinds of expectorant, and
wine of tai, and two of Dr. Bolus' pre-
scriptions, and one of Dr. Bleadem's, and a
new kind of ointment, but nothing seems to
have any effect on them. How do you feel
to-day?"

"Oh," groaned Mrs. Waughop, 'Tm not
getting on at all. My asthma is worse every

become of mt, I'moUie. How are ya . this
afternoon, Mr^. l)inklcni:'.!i ?" "he conti.'iucd,
turning to the next woman, a lonesome .look-
ing female with a wart on her chin, who
smiled dismally on being addressed, and
paused in the midst of a search for a .street
car nickel in the bottom of a black reticule
as big as a hair trunk.

"I'm about half down with the chills,"
she said, Mith a prolonged sigh; "I have
such a fever every night, I don't get two
iioura' sleep out of tlio i.weiitv-ff>ur, and I'm
uAmM T'n b. A-xrh :i:A ^ ■.'"• •- 1 yt ^'irour;!;
with it. My eycs-iglit is fniling. t<io, aini 1
have a constant lifH'hir-lus tlml worries me
nearly to death. 1 ;iii. jhvd, Mrs. Muliig.tn,"
said Mrs. I)inkleman, turning to the fourth
"woman, "to see you able to be out.''

Mrs. Mulligan bowed feebly to the rest of
the ladies. "Indeed 1 ou'jhtn't to be out,"
she groaned, " 1 <iugli!: to on in bcii tliis
minute. I haven't had this flannel off my
throat for three weeks, and I'm afraid I'll
lose my voice entirely. I've had a misery
across 'my back since I don't know when,
and I had to have thicc tctth pulled this
blessed afternoon. I was that bad with the
rheumatiz all last week I didn't dare stir out
of the house, and I've got a felon coming on
my finger just as sure as I'm a living woman.
What appears to be the matter with your
face, Mrs. (iallagher?" she asked the last
woman in the car.

"Neuralagy of the eyes," the last woman,
who wore black glasses and green goggl«s,
remarked, in such lugubrious tones that they
cast a gloom over the entire community, and
the masculine occupants of the car wondered
if there was a well woman in America.

The Ctoblin Gate.
We once knew a most worthy man, whose
irreproachable life was at one time threatened
with mental and physical wreck, all on ac-
count of his front gate. He lived out on
North Hill, with his charming wife and seven
lovely daughters. He was a pale-faced,
anxions-looking man, who moved about and
looked and spoke ai though he rapped with

It.

ep at night,
! up entirely
t out to-d;ij
lenliaum and
s ami down
Jito Parsons'
pnti), aud
CHley Jones'
, pufl', puff)
and then by
ills out on
ctor'a, I was
it mile '|)uff.
■ _•■ t...

e continued,
lesonie .look-
r chin, who
ressed, and
for a street
lack reticule

tJie chills,"
;h ; "I have
)n't get two
)iir nijfi I'm

-'■'. thn.'.ijjl
;. too, and I

worries me
^. Mulli;:,ui,"
;o the fourth

lUt."

;o tlie rest of
t to he out,"
ill iifii tliis
innel oil my
'ni afraid I'll
lad a misery
know when,
1 ]>ulle<i this
l)ad with the
dare stir out
m liiimiiig on
ving woman,
r with your
ked the last

last woman,
een goggks,
ies that they
imunity, and
lar wondered
nerica.

man, whose
e threatened
k, all on »c-
ived out on
ife and seTen
pale-faced,
id about and
■upped with

THE GOBLIN GATE.

Borrow seven times a week. He has, with j mental and substantial — and the seven
all those seven lovely daughters, oidy one j sisters were pleased. They read t))e little
front gate, and that's what madn him pale, | brass plate, that informed thtm that a
In one summer he spent .$217 repairing that patent was applied for, and they saw the
front gate — putting in new ones, and ex- words, "For 130 pounds;" but they didn't
perimenting with various kinds of hinges ; know what it meant until tht" gate hail
and after all that, the gate swung all through swung on the uneven tenor of its way about
the winter on a leafchar strap and a pieoe of a week.

clothes-line — aud there was peace in the
household, and the mangrewfat. Butwhenthe
April days were nigh, it soon became apparent
to the man that his troubles were at hand,
and anxiety soou drove the roses from his

'•'IJ'J

*-l.,

fence, to avon! calling .i.ttcjitioii to the dis-
reputable looking old gale ; but hia self-
dcuial was of no avail. One evening his
eldest daughter. Sophronia, said :

" Pa, that horriil ohl gate is the most dis-
gusting thing on Fifth- street. If you can't
afford to have it fixed, I'd take it away and
put up a stile."

And pa only groaned,
so later, his youngest
came in and .saM,
warmth •

But an evening or

daughter, Elfrida,

witii ccuisiderable

One evening, the weather, thougli suf-
ficiently cool to be bracing, admitted a test
of the new a;ate. A murmur of vcrices arose
from* the vicinity of that popular lovers'
retreat, as Sophronia swung idly to and fro

aiiJvioi. -iUOi.i. ,.' ii.i.i., «iio M :it% ue<.vii:.i: hiS'
hand upon his brcr-f't to yit:U' hifi Inritin-^
heart, as he crouched in a dark corner of the
porch, heard Rodolphus say :

*' But believe me, Sophronia, iny own
heart'H idol, between the touches of the rude

hand of time and the unkind " Ashe

began the word, he leaned fc'.vard and
bent his weight upon the gate, and witii a
sharp click a little trap-door in the side of
the post tlew open, and a gaunt, many-
jointed arm of steel, with an ircii knob as

■ ■ J a ; 1 »\ 1.-31I yoii ii.i
.'ate tied to your neck; that's

fiiat iieasciv Old itiew out, ann, v.irti tne lapioity or ".'jhtning,
wiiat I wish I" i hit Piodoh'hus two resounding T)elts l;'-t>^een
11.^' .v,.Lp, .ated- llic ;-l:<aMv!s '■Lat ^(■■iiiC.-jd' liL^ „ Lass
up stairs in a misty cloud, while her sisters i drum explosion,

followed slowly, casting reproachful glances i " Oh-h-h ! gosh !" he roared, "I'm st.;bbed!
at pa. And the next evening, his third i I'm stabbed !" and, without waitii.g to pick
daughter, A/alea, came boixncing into the Up his hat, fled, shrieking for the doctor;
room, about '>:;W P. M.,witii her gloves in a i while Sophronia rushed into the house, cry-
condition to indicavc tiiat slie had been j ing, " Pa ! pa ! pa ! Rodolphus is .shot I" aud
patting gravel, and said, with some energy, j swooned. The pale-faced man said norliing,
that if pa had no feeling, other people iiad; ! but shrank farther back into the sii;Ktow,and

and she wished she was dead, she did; and
she hoped that the next time pa went ont of
that hateful old g.ite. he'd fall clear from
Fifth-street to the bridge, so she did. And
she broke dcwn, and disappeared with a
staccato accompaniment of 8ol)s and sniffles.
And the next time pa went out of that gate,
he found it prostrate between the two posts,
and saw that tiie fragile strands of the
clothfcS-liiic had parted, under some extra-
ordinai'v jiressiuo; aud that was what ailed
Azalea's >.;loves. Pa saw there was nothing
for it but a n^v.- i;.".t\ and he groaned aloud
as he viewed the dreary piospect of furnish-
ing gates to support the minly forms of the
best young men of Burlington for another
summer. It soon became evident that he
was getting up a gate he could match
against time. He pondered, and pondered,
and pondered. He became the confidant of
carpenters; he was often seen guiltily show-
ing certain plans and drawings to black-
smiths and cunning workers in iron and
^teel. And in due time he had a new gate
up; a masaive gate, with fl;reat poats, oma-

thrust his handkerchief into iiiy mouth to
stifle a smile. Pretty soon he heai il the
voice of his daughter Azalea at the gate say-
ing, "Good-night." But a rich, m.anly voice
detained her; and the measured swing of the
gate was again heard in the distance. Soon
he heard Lorenzo say, as he made ready to
climb upon the gate :

" But whatever of sorrow may await our
future, dear one, I would it might fall upon
me -"

And, just as he lifted his foot from the
ground, the trap opened, and the gaunt aim
reached out and fell upon him, with that big
knob, four times ; and every time it reached
him, Lorenzo shrieked:

" Bleeding heart! Oh, mercy, mercy, Mr.
Man! Oh, murder!"

And, as he ambled away in the starlight,
wailing for arnica, Azalea fled wildly to her
home, shrieking, ' ' Oh, pa, pa, pa ! somebody
is murdering Lorenzo!" And on the porch a
pale-faced man thrust the rim of his felt hat
into hia mouth, to reinforce his handkerchief,
and hogged himself in placid content. Pretty

THE AUTOMATIC CLOTHBS-UNE REEL.

toon the man's fifth daughter came home
from a party, and she, too, perched on the
gate ; and, in a moment or two, Alphonso
•aid :

" Bi , my own Miriam, would I could tell
you wliat I feel for you "

But ho (lidnt ; for, just as he leaned upon
the gate, the gaunt arm reached out and felt
for liiin with ai)out seventy-tive pounds of
iron, iin>l knocked his breath bo far out of
him tl he couldn't shriek until he
had run half a mile awuy from the house.
And Miriam ran into the house screaming
that Al|)hons^ liad a tit.

And the pale faced man rose up out of the
shadow ami emptied liis mouth ; and as he
stood uiid'T the quiet starlight, looking at
the gate whoso jiowerful hut delicate me-
chanism renelleil every ounce of weight over
130 pounds, a look of iuetfable peace stole
over tlio jvxle face, and the smile that rested
on the ([uiet features told that the struggle
of a lite time was ended in victory — and a
gate had been discovered that could set at
naught till' oppressions of thoughtless young
people.

The Automatic Clothes-Llne Reel.
No one wiio lived in linrlin'^toii that year
can ever forijet the first practical test, th^t
was ni:ido of the famous "Domestic Auto-
matic' clotiics-line reel. It was a curious
and iiowerful nit of uieclianism. ami was the
invention of a man who lived ou Barnes-
gtreet. This man used to ho grievously af-
flicted ln'itnuse tlieScamlinavianlady who su-
perintond(;d tiic weekly wash-day ceremon-
ies at lin house always took great pains to
leave a uvt-"oik of clothes-lino spread all
around ids hack yard. A'ld when he made
oomplaint to hur abont it she addressed him
inthf niiis'cMl accents of Christine Nilsson's
native language, and overwhelmed him with
a torit nt of oloijuence that he could not un-
derstand. And when he remonstrated with
his wife ami d.uiuhter thoy laughed him to
gconi, nnd his daughter, who was educated
at Vas^ar, an 1 c in hustle iiei' terriiied i)arent
out of the h.mse with one hand, told him if
he interfered any more in that department
ai'ouud that house he"d get drowned in the
wash tub. So tliia man suffered. One
bitter cold winter morning he ran out
to the woodshed after some kindling,
and the first line caught him under
the chin and pulled his neck out till it was a
foot long, and he ran into the house and
frightened his wife into tits by his terrible
appearance, and she threatened to apply for
a divorce if he ever made faces at her that
way again. It was nearly three hours before
his neck shrunk back to its natural size.
And a few nights after that, he was all

dr ssed to go to a party with his family, mad
he went bounding down the back yard to see
that the alley gate was fastened, and a slack
line caught him amidships, let him run out
the slack, and then when it hauled taut, just
picked him up, tossed the breath out of him,
turned him clear over, and chucked him down
on his back, splitting his coat from the tail-
buttons to the neck. And he couldn't move,
and he couldn't speak, and he couldn't even
breathe, only about thirty cents on tbs
dollar, so he couldn't answer his wife and
daughter when they screamed to him that
they were ready, and they concluded that h*
had run away to avoid going with them, so
they went off without him, and never came
back till eleven o'clock, and the man. lay out
in the back yard all that time, trying to die.
And one time after that, he was jogging
across the back yard with his arms full of
about three hundred pounds of hard wood,
and he was laughing like a hyena at some-
thing he had read in The Ilawkei/c, when a
clothes prou slipped just as he passed under
the line and dn>pped on his head, raising a
luni]) as big as an egg, and as he fell forward
another line cauf.'ht right in his mouth, and
sawod it clear back to his ears, so that when
he smiled the top of his head only hung on a
hinge.

Well, these things naturally weighed on
his mind and depressed him, but they set
him to tiiinking, and he went to work and
invented a patent clothes-line reel, which
was inclosed in a heavy cast-iron box, and
was worked bj' a powerful automatic arrange-
ment. You only had to wind up the box
and set it for a certain hour, just like an
alarm clock, and at that hour the reel would
go oil, .and pull on the line like a team of
mules, the spring hook at the other end of
tiic lino would let go its hold, and that line
VN ould be rolled up at the rate of a thousand
miles a minute. He said nothing about bis
invention, but put up the box and told some
lie about it to his family, which is away men
have, and he set it for 7 o'clock, v. M., and
w ound it up strong. Then he watched Miss
Nilsson's compatriot run out the line and ad-
just the hook, and he went away.

About 7 o'clock that evening, while he was
toasting his feet at the tire and reading the
almanac, the family were disturbed by un-
mistakeable indications of a tight going on in
the back yard between a hurricane and an
earthquake, in which the earthquake
appeared to be getting a little the best of it.
The affrighted family lushed to the back
door and looked out upon a scene of devasta-
tion and anarchy. The air was full of fraff*
ments of linen, and cotton, and red flannd^
while shirt buttons, clothes pins, and littie
brass buckles, were flying like hail. The reel

D the iroi
evolution
ground lik
ine was U
)f runawa:
rying to l
wsts they
Qore than
irhile whe
a the iron
irhite shii
rarn soc
ibiags, a
md she(
ihps, jusf
rildly, an
il the yar
ooked wo
was dre
ihneked i
"Somel
id the ma:
Good
rou taken
"No!"
The mai
eft. He
iaught th(
lands, an(
ied eyes o
erked thr
uivering
lis glisten
>orch.

They g
>orch, ami
lis coverir
ud quick!
ramewori
heir skill
ogether :
loneless, i
adly at h
chair on
rinning i
attling h
ony legs,
ag head
Lnd thus
ut a dual
loth of h
or the sl<
esh, and
eut cigar
rink unle
ight at 1:
f wicked
raming t
ip after i

family, mad
yard to see
and a slack
im run out
id taut, just
out of him,
d him down
m the tail-
ildn't move,
nldn't e¥en
its on th«
3 wife and
him that
uled tliat h«
ti tliem, so
never uame
nan. lay out
ying to die.
ras jogging
i-ms full of
lard wood,
a at some-
</c, whea a
isseil under
, raising a
fell forward
mouth, and

tliat when
' hung on a

iveighed on

it they set

work and

ee), which

II box, and

tic arrange-

p the box

ist like an

reel would

a team of

her end of

that line

thousand

about his

1 told some
9 a way men
p. M., and
itched Mis8
ine and ad-

'hile he was
'eading the
jed by un-
going on in
me and an
earthquake
best of it.
I the back
of devaata-
ull of frsff-
■ed flanndj
and little
The reel

INSPIILiTIONS OF TRUTH.

a the iron box waa making aboat 60,000
evolutiouB a minute, and was whirling
kfoand like a thrashing machine, and the
ine was tearing around the posts like a streak
)f runaway lightning, and the clothes were
irying to keep along with it, and around the
)0st8 they were ripping, tearing and snapping
Qore than any cyclone that ever got loose,
irhile where the line shot into the hawse-hole
n the iron box, the striped stockings and
wliite shirts and things, and flannels, and
ram socks, and undershirts and more
faings, and aprons, and handkerchiefs,
md sheets and things, and pillow
ilips, just foamed and bulged, and tossed
rildly, and ripped, and tore, and scraped, un-
il the yard and air were so full of lint that it
coked worse than an arctic snow storm. Oh,
t was dreadful. It was terrible. Everybody
ihneked iu dismay.

"Somebody's at the clothes line !" scream-
id the man's daughter.

" Good heavens !" yelled the man, "hadn't
rou taken the clothes in ?"
"No !" chorused the women.
The man thought he would save what was
eft. He sprang at the clothes line. He
aught the flying hook at the end with both
lands, and the next instant, before the terri-
ied eyes of his wife and daughter, he was
erked through the hole in the iron box, a
uiveriug mass of boneless flesh, while
lis glistening skeleton fell rattling upon the
Hitch.

They gathered his frame work ofif the

Kirch, and unlocked the box and drew out

lis covering. He was not dead, so deftly

lud quickly had he been removed from his

ramework. They sent for the doctors, but !

heir skill could not avail to get the man j

ogether again, and now lie sits, limp and ]

loneless, in a high-bacl%ed easy chair, smiling

adly at his grinning skeleton, which sits in

chair on the opposite side of the fire-place,

rinning sociably at its counterpart, and

iittling horribly every time it crosses its

•ony legs, or scratches the top of its glisten-

ag head with its gaunt, fleshless fingers.

Lnd thus that poor man will have to drag

ut a dual existence until death comes to

foth of him. It is a painful, expensive life,

)r the skeleton eats just as much as the

esh, and the flesh has taken to smoking ten

eut cigars, and the skeleton can't sleep a

irink unless it has a big hot whisky every

light at bed time. And all this is the result

f wicked, Mricked carelessness. « A terrible

raming to women who leave the clothes-line

p after dark.

Iniplntlona of Truth.

Every year, so oft as the 22Dd of February
comes, the day sacred to the memory of the
father of his country is faithfully celebrated
by two good boys of Burlington, who, if their
lives are only spared, wiU yet be second
editions of the immortal G. W. Last year,
it was noticed by every one about the house,
they were unusually good. They stayed
home all the morning, and talked about
Washington, and how he broke the mule and
girdled the sassafras tree, and how good he
was, and what a pity it was he had no middle
name. Along in the afternoon their mother
sent them to the church, where there was to
be a festival, with a basket filled high with
sweet home-made bread, and cold boiled
ham, and roast chicken, and one thing and
another. They took hold of the basket and
plodded soberly and goodily toward the
church. As they started down Division-
street they saw a boy coming toward tliem
whom they knew. He was the son of a
neighbour, the blacksmith's boy, with whom
they had a feud of long standing ; for on
divers occasions he had caught these good
brothers out, separately, and had rudely
assaulted them, and fairly pounded the hair
ofif their heads. He was a little too healthy
for either of the boys alone, but the pair had
sworn to make it lively for him if tiioy ever
I lighted upon him together. So soon as they
saw him they put down the basket
and gave chase. He girded up his
I loins and fled, but the boys got themselves
; up and pursued after him and pressed him
I hard, and after a rattling chase of about two
j blocks, they encompassed him round aljout in
I a vacant hit.and fell upon him, and smote liim
insomuch that he begged for mercy and
I screamed for succour until he was black in the '
face. Then the victors, joyous returning '
from the fray, with light steps sought their
long abandoned train. Imagine their dismay
I when, through the gathering twilight gloom,
, they saw somewhat less than one liundred
j and hfty thousand dogs, half buried in the [
\ basket, dividing and devouring the sutler
i stores contained therein. There was precious '
little left when the dogs were driven away, '
and the boys went home exceeding sorrowful, ^
but hopeful. Their mother met them at the '
door, and took the empty basket from their
hands. ^

" Who did you give the basket to? "she
asked. ,^

"Mrs. Featherstone, dear ma," replied the ^
elder George Washington. ■%

"And what did she say?" asked their >
mother, for Mrs. Featherstone is an authority '
in ohnrch festivals.

" Oh," chorused both George Washing*

SPIRIT PUOTOGRAPHT.

toDi, " she said it wm the nicest basket that
had come in all the afternoon."

" And," added the younger George, feeling
that he wasn't doing himself ji\8tice if he
didn't get in an independent statement,
" Mrs, Lamphreys said she would give any-
thing in the world if she could make such
white bread as yours — she said it was wonder-
ful how you done it. "

'* Now, did she say that ? " cried the de-
lighted woman ; for at the last sociable Mrs.
Lampreys said her bread was like bass-wood
•Iitbs.

"And Mrs. Middlerib," cried the elder
G. W., fearful lest his younger brother
ahould find favour and be exalted over him,
"said that there wasn't such chickens any-
where in the State of Iowa outside of that
basket. "

-1. 1 then the younger held the age again,
and tlie older chipped one, and the younger
saw him and raised him, and then the older
came in, and the younger stayed right by
him, and they told all manner of things and
compliments about and from all manner of
peujjle who were at the church, until the
good woman, astonished and delighted at her
sudden popularity, determined to co to the
sociable, although she had not intended to
do so. Slie went, and she looked in vain for
her cake and ham and ehicken. She return-
ed home at an early hour, and roused her
young George Washingtons from the sweet,
innocent sleep of childhood. Then she took
s skate strap, and after a brief but pointed
cross-questioning on the evidence alreadj

brought forward, proceeded . The rest

is too awful.

Spirit Photography.
It must have been nearly three years ago,
as nearly as we can remember, just about
the time Monfortand Hill got to photograph-
ing ghosts, that a tall, pale man, with pierc-
ing black eyes and long hair, came to Bur-
lington and opened a photograph gallery.
He was a spirit photographer, and when his
•itters received their pictures, for which they
were expected to pay very roundly, lo, the
■pirit faces of dear ones wlio had gone before
•lustered around the face of the party whose
photograph had been taken from life. There
were plenty of people in the learned city of
Burlington who were as fond of believing in
■upernatural things as are the outside
barbarians. So credulous men and
women thronged to the spirit artist's
■tn<lio, the spirits came up to be photograph-
ed around their mortal friends by squads
and platoons, and worldly dross, in the shape
of a fluctuating and irredeemable currency,

Soured into the artist's coffers, and he was
appy. Among others who went to his

• 1 Mill :•(><■

studio, was a yed yonng man who is a

genius. He. . used to get home till two
o'clock in the morning, because he was down
in his office, he told the folks, buinipg ths
midnight oil, and committing the yearnings
of a restless and ambitious genius to paper.
He was supposed to be writing a book of
poems, and, consequently the fair ones who
were privileged to enter the circle of his
acquaintance, doted on him. When he went
to have his photograph taken, the dearest
girl in the world, the one who tells him what
nice hands he has, and who rubs his head
when his long hours of lonely study makes it
ache all the aext day, accompanied him.
He told her on the way down that he ex-
pected when his counterfeit presented itself
on the albumenized card, the spirit • faces of
Byron, and Hood, and Macaulay, and Shak-
speare, and Tom Shelley would rise and
cluster around him. She gasped hyster-
ically, and, looking proudly at him, said
she believed thej would too, and wouldn't it
be nice ! But he only sighed glo«»mily, a«
genius always sighs, and they entered the
studio.

While the young man was posing himself
the professor told him that those who
were nearest and dearest to him in his lonely
hours would gather around him and kiss the
clustering curls on his marble brow, and that
no earthly power could keep them out of the
camera. The young lady reiterated her

inion in regard to the "niceness" of such
arrangement, the young man put on a
of genius and gazed into the camera
with the air of a man who is wondering where
he can borrow three dollars ; the artist dived
under the cloth and iu due time he stepped to
the front with the picture and exhibited it to
the poet and the adoring girl.

Spirits ?

One or two of them. ' Right iu the center
was the young poet, gazing dreamily out into
vacancy. And the spirits who cheered him
in his lonely hours of study, and assisted
him in the conflagration of the midnight oil,
gathered around him, and never stirred or
faded, not even when the poet ejaculated,
" Oh, lying horrors ! " nor yet when the
young lady shrieked and fell fainting with
her hair caught in that forked thing tlie ar-
tist stands behind the subject to keep his
head steady. For on the right of the poet
there stood a spirit M'ith a long slim neck
whose name appeared to be '* Whisky Cock-
tail," and on the left there was a short,
squatty spirit who was announced as just
plain " Gin," and then, clustering all around
the young poet's head, like an aureola, were
"Straights," whatever they are, "Grass-
hopper Punch," "Log Cabin Cocktail.*'
"Old Tamarack,' "Eye Openers, "" Appe-

WRITING rOB THI PBI8S.

nan who it a
home till twn
he waa down
, buinipg th«
the yearnings
iuB to paper
g a book of
air ones who
circle of his
Vhen he went
. the dearest
ells him whal
il)S his head
udy makes it
ipanieil him,
that he ex-
-sented itself
pirit- faces of
y, and Shak-
)uld 1 ise and
sped hyster-
at him, said
d wouldn't it
gloomily, a»i
entered the

)sing himself

those who

in his lonely

and kiss the

ow, and that

em out of the

iterated her

ess" of such

f«n put on a

the camera

dering wh«re

s artist dived

he stepped to

xhibited it to

in the center
mily out into
cheered him
and assisted
nidnight oil,
r stirred or
ejaculated,
it when the
inting witli
ling the ar-
te keep Ids
of the poet
^ slim neck
hisky Cock-
as a short,
ced as just
g all around
ireola, were
e, " Grass-
Cocktail,"' .
•8," "Appe-

tizers," "Night Caps," "Can't Quit*,"
"Corpse Revivers," "Coffin Nails," "In-
dian Cocktails," " Mountain Dew, " "Ben-
zine," "The New Drink." "Fly Poison,"
"What Killed Dad," " The Same," " Fast
Freight," "Bran'an Wa'r," " Slierri'neg,"
"Sudden Death," "Crusade Drops," "Com-
missary No. 3," "Old Crow," " Tangleleg,"
"Fortv Hod," "Grim Death," " Jimson
Juice," " Chain Lightning," "Twelfth Reso-
lution," "That's on Me." "Temperance
Tract," "Quinine," and several other spirits
who were too far in the oackground to show
their cards very distinctly.

The young man didn't take another
sitting, ami he has since spent more time
trying to convince "her" that f'ns spirit
photography is the greatest humbug that ever
deluded a credulous people, than he ever
spent with the spirits who share his lonely
hours of midnight toil.

Writing for the Press.
Professor Matthews, in his delightful book,
"Hours with Men and Books," devotes a
jhapter, and a very instructive chapter too,
to advising and directing people who are
determiniMl to write for the press what to
write and liow to say it. But even in that
special cliapter Prof. Matthews has over-
looked quite a number of important points
which we, in our experience with occasional
newspaper contributors, have come to look
upon as absolutely essential to good corres-
pondence. We have had, even in the usually
infallible Ilaickcjie, some complaint, oi ce in
a while, from occasional correspondents about
mistakes which have appeared in their
articles when they come out in print. We
are aware that in many cases the fault was
our own, but we are confident all such trouble]
could be remedied if correspondents would f
pay a little more attention to the prepara-
tion of their manuscript. Printers are not
always infallible, and proof readers do some-
times make mistakes, but we have prepared
a few practical hints and instructions, and if
people who write occasionally for the papers
will only observe the f(dlowing simple and
practical rules, which are much easier
to observe that Prof. Matthews', they may
be assured that their articles will always
command the highest market price, which is
seldom less thiii^ two cents a pound :

Never write with pen or ink. It is alto-
gether too plain, and doesn't hold the mind
of the editor and printers closely enough to
their work.

If you are compelled to use ink never use
that vulgarity' known as the blotting pad.
If yon drop a blot of ink on the paper, lick
it off. The intelligent compositor loves
nothing so dearly as to read through the

•mwir this will mftk* acrou twenty or thirty
words. We have seen him hang orer such
a piece of copjr half an hour, swearing like a
pirate all the time, he felt that good.

Don't punctuate. Editors and publishers
prefer to punctuate all manuscript sent to
them. And don't use cppitals. Then the
editor can punctuate and capitalize to suit
himself, and your article, when you see it in
print, will astonish even if it does not please
you.

Don't try to write too plainly. It is a
sijj;n of plebeian origin and public-school
breeding. Poor writing ia an indication of
genius. It's about the only indication of
genius that a great many men possess.
Scrawl your article with your ejes shut, and
make every word as illegible as you can. We
get the same price for it from the rag-man as
though the paper were covered with copper-
plate sentences.

Avoid all painstaking with proper names.
All editors know the fuU name of every man'
woman, and child in the United States, and
the merest hint at the name is sufficient.
For instance, if you write a character some-
thing like a drunken figure "8," and then
draw a wavy line, and then write the letter
M and another wavy line, the editor will
know at once that you mean Samuel
Morrison, even though you may think you
mean "Lemuel Messenger." It is a great
mistake to think that proper names should
be written plainly.

Always write on both sides of the paper,
and when you have tilled both sides of every
page trail a line up and down every margin,
and back to the top of the first page, closing
your article by writing the signature just
above the date. How editors do love to get
hold of articles written in this style. And
how they would like to get hold of the man
who sends them. Just for ten minutes.
Alone, In the woods, with a gun.

Lay your paper on the ground when you
write; the rougher the ground the better.
A dry goods box or the side of th .ouse
will do if the ground is too damp. Any
thing rather than a table or desk.

Coarse brown wrapping paper is the best
for writing your articles on. If you can tear
down an old circus poster and write on the
pasty side of it with a pine st||k, it will do
still better.

When your article ia conipleted, crunch
the paper in your pocket, and carry it two
or three days before sending it in. This
rubs off the superfluous pencil marks and
makes it lighter to handle.

If you can think of it, lose one page out
of the middle of your article. The editor
can easily supply what is missing, and he
loves to do it. He has nothing else to do.

DAN0CB8 or BATHINQ.

If correipondents will observe these direc-
tions, editors, in most instan^'es, will hold
themselves personally responsible foreverv
error that appears in their articles, and will
pay full claims for damages when complaint
u made. We shall never forget the last
man who complained at the liawkeye office
under this rule. We can never, never, al-
though we should live a thousand years, for-
get the appalling look he turned upon us
while we were ftuUing his lungs out of his
ear with the nul-grab. Our heart seemed
to turn to ice, under the influence of that
dumb bese'eching look, while we tore him to
pieces. We have never torn 9 man to pieces
since without feeling the hot tears spring to
our eyes as we think of that man. Wt> have
been tempted, time and again, to break our-
selves of this habit of tearing men to pieces
for trivial causes. But we digress. We
were merely saying we are always happy to
receive complaints and correct any errors for
which we are responsible.

Dangers of Batblng.

As the warm weither raises the waters of
the creeks and riven to the temperature so
inviting to the boys of the republic, a few
instructive and general suggestions relative
to bathing in the streams may prove the
means of saving some juvenile lives. Boys
are proverbially rash and reckless in almout
everything they do, and are so apt to over-
do whatever they undertake, except sawing
wood or fastening the front gate, that too
much wholesome advice on the beneKta of
abstinence can never be amiss in their cases.
And especially ia such advice necessary iu
regaril to bathing, for when a boy makes
up his mind to "go swimming," he think of
nothing in the world ex^'ept getting into the
r.ater. And every year so many precious
lives are endangered, and so much pain and
misery caused by boyish carelessness and
thoughtle^sueso in this respect, that it is a
solemn and important duty of journalism to
warn the boys of the dangers that wait upon
bath'ng parties, and instruct thvm how to
avoid them. We therefore give a
few rules, culled from the pages of
personal experience, which, if properly
observed by the boys of America, may save
them no one can tell how much misery and
suffering.

1. Always ask your mother if you may go
down to the river with the boys to bunt car-
nclians. Mention the namei) of Sammie
Johnson, and Robbie Gregg, and Ellis
Haskell and Johnnie Chalmers, and Charlie
Austin, and Wallie Colborn, and Dockie
Worthington, all well-known "good boys,"
who wash their faces every morning, keep
Mteir clothes cleao, wear white collars, ana

don't say bad words, as tha young gentlemen
who are to comprise the party. A judicious
and strict adherence to this rule has often
obtained the necessary parental permission to
visit the river shore, which would otlici wise
be sternly denied, especially if it should ap-
pear that Bill Slamup, and Tom Dobbins,
and J:m Sikes, and Butch Tinker, and
Mickey McCann, were the alternates who
were confidently expected to represent the
first named delegates in the convention.

2. Avoid going into the river in the vicin-
ity of a lumber yard. The temptation to
take pine boards from the lumber piles to
swim on is too strong for many boys to resist.
It is very pleasant, we know, to swim around
on a nice broad plank, but the lumbermen do
not always like it, and we have known a
rough board, abruptly drawn from beneath
the horizontal figure of a kicking, {laddling,
laughing boy, to fill him with remorse .-ind
slivers to an extent that would a-^pear
incredible were It not for the fact that the
boy who loses his plank in this way has
plenty of time to count his slivers as he pulls
them out.

We knew a boy, twenty years ago, who
swam off a pla k in this waj', and innnediate-
ly afterwant.s ^.it down on the sandy shore,
and amid the unfeeling laughter and mock-
ing sympathy of his colleagues, withdrew
from his cuticle, beginning at the chin and
ending at the tofs, fliree hundred and seven-
teen well-developed average slivcrn, and four
of a larger variety, denominated snnjis. And
sometimes we wake up in the niglit, from
happy dreams of childhood's guileless days,
and half believe we didn't get all those slivers
out then.

3. Avoid piittini» a bar of kitchen soap in
your pocket before you leave home. It fre-
quently giv( s the bather away entirely, being
quickly missed from the sink, and readily
detected about the person. And evtii if you
gt)t it safely to the river, and X\w lirst boy
who "soaps himself " does not luse it in
twenty feet of water, the " stroky"' a|ipear-
ance of your hair, on your return home,
instantly betrays the recent and extravagant
use of resin soap, and grave conseqiui ices are
apt to follow. Besides, you do not reully
need the soap, as is attested by your well-
known aversion to it at home.

4. If convenient, bathe very near u railway
bridge. Then, when a passenger train comes
thundering b\, you can rush out of the water
and dance andflirickon thebank. Travellers
like this ; and if your uncle Jasper, from
Waterloo, or your father returning from
Creston, should happen to be on tho train
and recognize you, they will tell you what
the pikssenuers said about it, and your father
will ue so pleased that he will assist you in a

gentleman

judicious

has often

mission to

otiici wise

hould ap-

Dobbins,

ker, and

lates who

resent the

ition,

the vicin-

)tation to

er piles to

3 to resist.

ill! around

:)ennen do

known a

1 beneatli

[)a(WIirig,

noise .-tud

d a-jjpear

t that the

way has

8 he pulls

ago, who
luuediate-
1(1 y shore,
iiiil tnock-
witlidrew

cliin and
ah\ seven-
, and four
iij^s. And
gilt, from
less (lays,
[)Be slivers

3n soap in
. It fre-
ely, being
d readily
yen if you
L! tirst boy
nso it in
, ' appear-
in home,
tiavagant
Lie noes are
not really
dur well-

a railway
ain oiinies
the water
I'lavellert
per, from
ling from
the train
y<<u what
DUi' father
t you in a

THE POWER or DIGNITY.

little physical exercise, so essential to the
health after bathing. And then the next
time you go in swimming you can show the
boys your back — a spectacle in which they
will take fiendish delight, which they wiU
exhibit by imitating, in most expressive pan-
tomime, the contoiirons, gestures, and
outcries in which you were supposed to have
indulged while your father was putting that
back on you.

5. If yon desire to get up a crowd to

go swimming, sigrify your wishes by
olding up your right hand, with the first and
second fingers erect and spread apart like a
letter V. and as many good boys as are
ready, willing and anxious to run away and
go with you, will respond by the same sign,
and the party can easily be made up without
fear of detection, in the presence of the un-
suspecting preceptor, who is a graduate of a
private school, and never had any fun.

6. Should any boy be so lost to honour as
to desire to leave the water before the rest
of the crowd wisV t» do so, he may be easily
induced to return to the liquid element by
gently tossing a handful of dry sand or dust
upon his back, as nearly between the
shoulder as may be. If there is a really
good, unsophisticated boy in the crowd
whose habit of wearing a white collar and
carrying a clean handkerchief pronounces
him a haughty aristocrat, the bad boys, by
getting dressed first and judiciously applying
the sand to him as often as he " comes out
can keep him in the water until his father
comes to look for him. Then, the next after-
noon he goes down with you to the river, you
can look at his back, and have your
revenge.

7. If a boy lingers in the water too long,
it is sometimes ailvisable, in order that he
may learn to abstain from indulging himself
to such an intemperate extent in the future,
to tie each sleeve of his shirt in a most ter-
rific liaril knot, ritjlit at the elbow. When
this knot is dipped into the water, and a boy
gets at each end of the 8le«:ve, braces his feet
and pulls for life, it may be drawn so tightly
that it oan not be drawn out with a stump
machine. The boy wiio belont's to that shirt,
after many vain endeavours, is either com-
pelled to out off the sleeves, or, multis '•itm
Idchriiinis, yo home with it buttoned around
his neck and hanging down his back like a
drunken apron. This gives him away, bad,
and the appearance of that weeping boy,
plodding timorously and apprehensively
homeward through the gloaming, and the
variegatoil aspect of hia back the next night,
produce such a pleasant impression upon you,
that for twc weeks afterward, as your dear
mother looks in at your room door, and sees

you smiling in your sleep, ithe thinks the
angels are whispering to you.

8. The most approved method of drying
the hair is to shake it up rapidly with a pine
stick. Never comb your hair Smoothly
before going home, no matter who offers to
Ic«»n you a pocket-comb. A slick head of
hair excites suspicion in the family circle on
sight.

9. If, at the supper-table, the dreadful
discovery is made by your mother or sister
that your shirt is wrong side out, the best
way to do is to own right up. Excuses are
•useless ; and no mother or father of ordinary
intelligence was ever misled by the assertion,
however solemnly made, that the shirt was
turned by reason of the boy too suddenly
climbing a fence instead of going through the
gate.

10. To get water out of your ears, lean
your head over to one side, and kick out
violently with one leg, while you pound your
head smartly with the palm of your hand.
It is an exploded fallacy that holding a
warm stone to the ear will bring out the
water.

There are some other rules which might be
added to the above, but they are compara-
tively unimportant, and are so generally
known that you can learn them by ap-
plying for information to the first bad boy
you meet.

The Power of Dignity.

The human heart, in all its expansive, lim-
itless capacity for enjoymeht, takes greater
pleasure in nothing than in witnessing a
portly, solemn- visaged man, the embodiment
of natural dignity, importance in clothes,
administer a scathing rebuke to some
"smart" petty government official. One
morning just such a personification of innate
dignity loomed up at the stamp window of
the post-office, and glared in gloomy and ma-
jestic displeasure at the busy clerk who reg-
istered a letter before he sprang to the win-
dow and asked the stately customer what he
wished. The great man did not answer for
several moments. He gazed steadily and
impressively over the clerk's head, and then
asked, in ponderous tones :

" Is there any one hear-r-r-e who attends
to business ? "

The embarrassed clerk blushed, faltered
for ii moment, then, recovering himself, said,
with characteristic and national cheerful-
ness, becoming an official of the Republic :

"I will see, sir."

And he disappeared. He went into tho
other departments, tortured a carrier with
an original conundrum, and heard a good
story in the mailing room, and came back,

" Yes, sir," he said to the great one,

A CANDID CONFESSION.

"there are, in addition to myself, three
clerks in the letter department, one in the
mailing room, four carriers, three route
agents, the mail driver and a janitor. "

"Ah-hrh! lam glad there are so many.
I may in all that number find one who is at
his post."

And then he looked as impressive as a
special agent, and was silent for three min-
ntes, while the humbled clerk awaited his
orders, and impatient men behind him fidg-
eted and grumbled. Finally, the great man
said with deep solemnity :

''I wish one three-cent stamp."

The clerk tore oflF the stamp and held it,
waiting for the consideration. The great
man made a somewhat longer pause than us-
ual ; he felt in his various vest pockets ; he
cradually lost his look of impressive rebuke;
his chest caved in, and he assumed the as-
pect of an ordinary frail mortal, and he said :

"Ah — the fact is — I'm sure — ah — in short,
I find that I have carelessly left my purse
at home — can you kindly — "

The clerk with the faintest suggestion of
triumph in his eye, brusquely waved the
great man aside with —

"Sorry for you, sir ; but the clerk wlio
sells stamps on credit is not in. What does
the next man want ? "

The great man, as he backed through the
smiling crowd who stood around with money
in their hands, felt somehow that his rebuke
had been thrown away, and feared that if
the case went to»the jurj' without argument
it would very probably bring in a verdict for
the Government.

A Candid Confession.
There used to live down on Washington-
street, a good man, who endeavoured to
train up his children in the way tliey sliould
go, and as his tlock was iniinerous he had
anything but a sinecure in this training busi-
ness. Only last summer the elder of these
male olive branches, who had lived ivbout
fourteen wicked years, enticed his younger
brother who had only had ten years' experi-
ence in boyisli deviltry, to go out on the river
in a bont, a sjjccies of pastime which their
father liad many a time forbidden, and had
even goiu; so far as to enforce his veto with a
skate strap. But the boys went this time,
trusting to luck to conceal their depravity
from the knowledge of their pa, and in duo
time they returned, and walked around the
house, the two most innocent looking boya
in Burlington. They separated for a few mo-
ments, and at the expiration of that time the
elder was suddenly confronted by his father,
who requested a private interview in the
usual place, and the pair adjourned to the
wood shed, where, aftei a brief, but higlily

spirited performance, in which the boy ap-
peared most successfully as " heavy villain "
and his father took his favourite role of "first
old man," the curtain went down and the
boy, considerably mystified, sought his
younger brother.

"John," he said, "who do you suppose
told dad ? Have you been licked ?"

John's face will not look more peaceful and
resigned when it is in his coffin than it did as
he replied :

"No, have you?"

"Havel? Come down to the cow yard
and look at my back. "

John declined, but said :

" Well, Bill, I'll tell you how father found
us out. I am tired of acting this way, and I
ain't going to run away and come home and
lie about it any more. I'm going to do better
after this, and so when I saw father I could-
'nt help it, and went right to him and con-
fessed. '

Bill was touched at this manly action on
the part of his younger -brother. It tound a
ten Jer place in the bad boy's heart, and he
was visibly affected by it. But he asked :

"How did it happen the sld man didn't
lick you ?"

" Well," said the penitent young reformer,
"you see I didn't confess on myself, I only
confessed on you ; that way the way of it."

A strange cold light glittered in Bill's eye.

" Only confessed on me ?" he said. "Well,
that's all right, but come flown behind the
cow shed and look at my back. "

And when they got there do you suppose
John saw the first mite of Bill's back. Ah
no, dear children, he saw nothing bigger
thaii Bill's fists, and before he got out of that
locality he was the worst pounded John that
ever confessed on any'jody. Thus it is that
our coming reformers are made and trained.

A Burlington Novelette.
ruArTEH i.

" Marguoritte ! "

" Bortrande Hiutville Montaigne du Bif-
fin gton ! "

And the soughing of the September wind
8wej)t through tiie tremulous leaves like the
whisper of memories, ghosts of the far away
had been. Each star that lit the azure dome
with plittering ray — er, ah — or — er — with
glittering ray Hay.

It looked like rain.

cuArrKK II.

Margueritto Hortense Isana I'Krena del
Impcratricia du Calincourt Johnson was an
orphan.

Her father was dead. ,

And, also, by the way, her mother.

Her groat grand parents wore not living.

the boy ap*
^y villain "
)le of "first
. and the
ought his

suppose

3aceful and
va it did as

5 cow yard

,ther found
way, and I
home and
bo do better
ler I conld-
m and con-

y action on
It found a
irt, and he
e asked :
man didn't

g reformer,
self, I only
pay of it."
1 Bill's eye.
lid. "Well,
behind the

ou suppose
back. Ah
ing bigger
out of that
L John that
9 it is that
d trained.

lie du Bif-

Tiber wind
PH ]ike the
(! far away
izure dome
— er — with

l*]rt'na del
on was an

er.

ot living.

A BURLINGTON NOVELETTE.

Alas, no. The cold clods rattled on the
coffins of those estimable people when
Margueritte was young. She was not ac-
quainted with the fact until the good people
had been dead some seventy-five years.

Then kind friends, whose hearts were torn
sad rifted with oympathy, broke the news
gently to her.

She sat like one stunned. Over her mar-
ble face there passed no trace of the emotion
which raged like a high fed cyclone in her
soul. She said : —

" Did they leave me anything?"

And they told her, " Not a stiver, dear,
not a lone nickel ; not a street car check ;
not a solitary red, red cent. Only an old
photograph album with the covers torn off
and the pictures lost. Yon are badly left. "

And then the fountains of the deep were
broken up and she wailed in the bitterness of
her agony.

" Why, oh, why did they die? Why did
they die ? Why did they die and leave me
— leave me — leave me nothing ? "

A deep manly vsice, resonant as a vesper
bell when it is pealing for the fray, answered
from the next room,

" I give it up."

Let us draw a veil over the dreadful scene.

CHAPTER III.

Bertrande Hcutville Montaigne du Bif-
Hngton was not an orphan.

He was an Ancient and Excepted Odd
Fellow.

Ho was of a noble and numerous parent-
age. He had one mother, and she was a
Chicago priutcess. She used to hold brevier
cases ou The Dalbf Tomahairk. She liad ten
divorces, noatly framed, hanging up in her
parlour, and Bertrande, whf)se own original
father had died if an hereditary attack of
arsenic in the sciup while his divorce suit
was pending, was successively ilogj^ed by an
illustrious line of jjatcrnal incunibeiita, ami
acknowk'dgod the sway (if (tne fatlior, full
rank, and ten fathers l)y brevet. He loved
the lonely or[)han, who had no parents wliat-
evcr, from asonseof natural duty and justice,
to kind of even the thing up and stiike an
equitable average.

CUAITKU IV.

There is only one place where nature does
not abhor a vacuum. That is under a Con-
gressman's hat.

CHAPTER V. ,

Night had come. It got in on the evening
train, and was late as usual. The drowsy bat
was on the wing ; or, rather, the wing was on
the drowsy bat. Both wings, in fact, were
on the d.b, Down in the mossy glade, where

deepening shadows mock the starlight's
gleam, she waits. Her Italian marble brow
is clouded with a weight of sorrow. Her
finely-chiselled chin is still ; the plastic
chewing gum, pasted on the trunk of a rugged
oak, cools and hardens in the evening air.
The firm tread of a manly No. 9 comes
crashing through the woodland.

'Tis he.

"Bertrande!"

"Marguerite!"

They said no more. They could not. Thay
had forgotten the rest of each other's names.
They sat in the deepening shadows of the
gloaming, holding each other's hands, and
trying to think of something nice to say.

Suddenly his delicate nostrils quivered and
trembled with a startled light.

"Marguerite!" he exclaimed, "we must
fly! I hear the sound of native applSjack
upon the evening air! M'ff! m'ff!"

"Oh, hevings!" she cried, "it is, it is me
long lost fathyer!"

"Then," he exclaimed, drawing a United
States regulation cavalry sabre from his bo-
som, " I am lost!"

"Oh, no, not lost," she said in earnest
tones ; " go straight ahead till you come to
the Haivkfijc ofhce, then turn up Market-
street two blocks and follow the street car
track south until you smell beer. Then you
will know where you are. Fe-ly! Fe-ly!
Me fathyer comes. "

"Methought," he said, pausing in his
flight, and speaking sternly, " methought
thou haddedest not a father. '

" I haive, I haive," she shrieked, "and it
is he!"

And as she spoke a fatherly looking man
parted the bushes and stood by her side. He
was clad in a dark-blue out-away coat, wi^li
a button-hole bomiuet, white ve^t, lilac kids,
lavender pants, a pink neck-tie, waxed tnous-
tache, and a high hat. His boots were four
and a lialf ; his snowy handkeroliief wasper-
fuined with jockey club, and bis breath with
whiskey sour. He was twenty-one years
oM.

Bertrande regarded him sadly, and said to
her he lo\ ed:

" It seems to me your father is rather ju-
venile. "

" Dear Bertrande, " .she said, laying her
hand upon her father's shoulder, " he married
awful young."

"Ail," said Bertrande, bitterly, "I
thouglrt may be you had adoi)ted him."

And turning on his heel he was gone.

-56

A. REMINISCENCE OF EXHIBITION DAY.

A Rwnlnlaoeaoe of Bxbibitton Day.
"Well, no," the boy said, "the thing
didn't CO off ozactly as I expected. You see,
I was the sixth boy in the class, that was
next to the head when the class formed left
in front, and I was pretty near the first boy
called on to declaim. I had got a mighty
|;ood ready and had a bully piece too. Ah,
it was a rip staver."

And the boy sighed as he paused to lift a
segment out of a green apple, and placed it
where it would do the most good, for a chol-
era doctor. We asked what piece it was.

"Spartacus to the Gladiators, " he said.
" Just an old he raker of a piece. 1 got it
all by heart, and used to go clear out to the
Cascade to rehearse and hook strawberries.
Old Fitch " — Mr. Fitch was the boy's precep-
tor, one of the finest educators in the state —
' ' he taught m 3 all the gestures and inflections
and flub drubs, and said I was just layin'

over the biggest toad in the puddle. "

" Excelling all your competitors, probably
Mr. Fitch said," we suggested.

"Yes," the boy replied, "he's a toney
old encyclopedia on the patter, is old Fitchy.
But him and me was both dead sure I was

goin' to skin the rag off the bush "

" Win all the honours," we gently correct-
ed.

" Yet ' he said, " ami the way it went off
was bad. You see, I didn't feel easy in my
Sunday clothes on a week day to begin with.
And my collar was too tight and my necktie
was too blue, and I was io a hurry to get off
early, solouly blackened thetues of my boots,
and left the heels as red as a concert ticket.
And the crowd there was in the school-house.
Jammed. Every body in their good clothes
and every body looking solemn as Monday
morning. When my name was called some-
thing came up in my throat as big as as a
foot-ball. I couldn't swallow it and I could-
n't spit it out. And when I got up on the
platform--oh, Godfrey's cordial ! did you
ever see a million heads without any bodies?"
We felt ashamed of our limited experience
while we confessed that we could not recall
haviny witneHstd such a i)henonienon.

•' 1 nev.'v ilid till then." the boy went on,
but they W( ii; there, for a fact, and I began
to reintMnlicr when these heads danced round
and round tin; room that I IkuI been forget-
ting my i|iicce in the last live minutes just as
fast as 1 over forgot to tix the kindling wood
at niglii. I'mt 1 commenced. I got along
with ' It h.ul lieen a «lay of triumph in Cap-
ua," and 'LtMitulus returning with viotorious
eagles' and :dl that well enough, but when I
got on into the heavy business, T was left,
sure. If S|)artacu8 hud talked to the gladi-
ators as 1 ilid, they would have thought he
was drunk uud hustled him ofT to bed, It

was awfuL I stumbled alon^ until I cam*
to ' Ye stand here now like giants as ye are.
Thestrength of brasi is in your rugged sinews,
but to-morrow some Roman Adonis, breath-
ing sweet perfume from his curling locks,
wul with his dainty fingers pat your red
brawn and bet his sesterces upon your
blood?"

"That was excellent, capital," we said,
applauding, for the boy had growled off th«
last sentence like a first heavy villain.

"Oh yes, it is though?' he said, with
some asperity. " Well, that's the way I was
going to say it that Friday, but what I did
say was, ' The strength of brass is in
your rugged sinews, but to-morrew after-
noon (you see I got to thinking of a bass
ball match) some Doman Aronis breathintr
sweet perfumery from his curly socks, wiu
pat your bed rawn and bet his sister sees
your blood.'"

" Did they laugh?" ws asked,
" Oh no :" he replied, with an inflection
that type won't take. "Oh, nj; they never
smiled again; they didn't. It was when I
got down a little that they felt bad. When
he says, ' If ye are beasts, then stand here
waiting like fat, oxen for the butcher's knife.'
I told them' ' If ye be cat fattle, then wait
here standing like a butcher for the carving
knife. ' And I got worse and worse until it
came to this, ' Oh, Rome, Rome, thou hast
been a tender mother to me. Thou hast
taught the poor timid shepherd boy, who
never knew a harsher tone than a flute noto,
to gaze into the glaring eyeballs of the fierce
Numidian lion, even as a boy upon a laugh-
ing girl. Though hast taught him to drive
the sword through rugged links of mail and
brass and warm it in the marrow of his
foe !"

" Bravo !" we sheuted.
"Cheese it," he said, sentenliously; "I
didn't say it just that wiy. I said, ' Oh
Rome, thou has ten a bindei mother to me.
Thou hast taught the poor boy who never
knew a sheep note to glare into the laugh-
ing ear of a fierce Numidi.an eyeball even as
j a lyin' boy at a girl. Thou hast taught him
! to mail his ragged brass through swords of
link, and marry it in the warmer of his
I foe !"

' " And then ?'" we asked,

\ "I cried," he said, "and went down.

• Everybody was cry'n'. They all had their

faces in their handkerchiefs or behind fans,

and were shaking so it nearly jar/ed the

school houw."

"You sBould practice elocution during
vacation, "we suggested, " and you will not
fail again."

He bolted the rest of the green apple,
threw his bare feet up in the air, and walked

around i
have no
And
ing to le
each of

MR. OLBNDORFS COMPL.JLINT.

intil I cftin*
Its M ye ar«.
ig^ed sinews,
onis, breath-
urliDg locks,
lat your red
upon your

il," we said,
wled off th«
illain.
) said, with
he way I was
t what I did
brass is in
orrew after-
^ of a base
IS breathinc
socks, win
s sister sees

%n inflection
; they never
was when I
bad. When
n stand here
cher's knife. '
then wait
r the carving
t'orse until it
le, thou hast
Thou hast
•d boy, who
a flute note,
of the fierce
pon a lau;;;h-
liim to drive
of mail and
rrow of his

Liously; " I
I said, ' Oh
other to me.
f wlio never
1 the laugh-
ball even as
taught him
;li swords of
mer of his

i-ent down.

1 had their

ehind fans,

jarjed the

ion during
nm will not

roen auole,

around on his hands in little circles. "Don't
have no speakin' in vacation," he said.

And we knew that, boy-like, he was go-
ing to let the day and the morrow take care
each of its own evils, and we wondered as
we came away how many fathers would
recognize their own boys in the hero of this
■ketch, and if dear old Fitch, the oldest
boy, with the clearest head and the tenderest
heart we ever knew, would remember him.

Eind

1 app
walk

Mr. Olendorfs Complaint.
Younc Mr. Olendorf used to board at a
nice boarding-house out on North Hill, a
little this side of the North Pole. It was a

J[Ood way out; but ?'r. Olendorf was always
ond of pure air and pedestrian exercise,
and as his business hours were easy, he pre-
ferred the comforts of a home in the suburbs
to the excitement and clamour of a down-
town hotel. A mild-looking, meek-faced,
soft-voiced young man was Mr. Olendorf,
as ever you could wish to see. He rarely
complained about anything, and he never
spoke harshly of any one. He would sit on
his trunk, when the famdy had carried his
obair down to the parlour for the convenience
of invited guests ; and he would patiently
saw on his shirt-buttons with a darning-
needle and carpet thread, rather than
intimate to his washer-lady that it wasn't
just the thing to run flne shirts through a
corn-sheller to wash them. Many a time he
crawled into a bed that looked like the crater
of an extinct volcano, rather than report the
hired girl for neglecting to make it up. And
six times a week he cleaned his grimy lamp-
chimney with his fingers, as mr as they
would reach, because, he said, in the fullness
of his charitable soul, the girl had so much
to do she hadn't got round to it. And the
seventh night in the week, the lamp being
empty and dry as a flat bottle on a hunting
expedition, he would undress by the dim
religious light of a match. He used to wash
with a piece of soap four inches long and two
inches thick, as brown as varnish, and so
hard it chipped the edges of the wash-stand
when it was carelessly dropped ; and often
and often, when his eyes vere full of soap,
and he reached out his imploring hands,
groping for tiie short, thin towel that was
seldom theio, he had to feol hia way to tlie
bed, abradinj; his shins against things tiiat
he coulil'iit; sen and didn't know the niuncs
of, and ilry liis face and haii' on the pillow-
slips. But h<\ never raurnmred. He used to
find bright .'•tioaks of led by the dozen in his
pomade, ami go down to the breakfast table
with his own coal-black lockn as dry as good
advice, and marvel at the exceeding glossi-
ness and slickness of the hired girl s bright
auburn cranium. But he said never a word.

And the drouth used to strike his perf umary
bottles once in a while, and leave them as
empty as a lecturer's head ; and he would
wind his modest nasal horn in a handkerchief
that smelled like a washtub, and when his
landlady's daughter sailed scornfully past
him, perfumed for all the world like the
ghosts of his toilet bottles up stairs, he
never looked suspicions, but only smiled
apologetically, as though it was wrong in him
to leave temptation in their way. Aud once,
when he had an attack of cholera morbus,
and sent out for a quart of brandy, and took
a tablespoonfnl of it, and came back at night
to And the bottle very empty, and the laud-
lady's husband very full, and lying in Mr.
Olendorfs bed wit'.i his boots on, young Mr.
Olendorf only agreed with the landlady that
it was very singular, and that the old man
must be ill. So you see Mr. Olendorf was
inclined to be rather peaceable and meek,
and when he did complain there must be
some reason for it.

One ovening Mrs. McKerrel, his landlady,
approached the young man for the p-irpose
of securing the weekly dole which lie paid
for the comforts of a home, and bracing him-
self up by a desperate efl'ort, Mr. Olendorf,
for the first time in his life, complained.

"It's the hash, Mrs. McKerrel," he said
plaintively. "It's too monotonous. It's
good hash. I can't say that it isn't good. It
is more nutritious than chopped straw, and a
prize candy package doesn't equal it for
variety. But I want change. I like hash
for I jakfast. But when you give us liaked
hash for dinner, and put boned hash on for
supper, and give us plain hash again for
breakfast, and serve stuffed hash again for
dinner, it isn't a square deal. 1 believe you
impose on us. I never heard of ' stuffed
hash ' before I came here, and the only differ-
ence between it and the common kind is that
it is thinner. The last 'e'^nffed hash ' you
gave us you made us eai with steel forks,
and it was as thin as soup, and how is a
strong man going to make out a dinner when
he has only twenty-hve minutea in wiiich to
eai soup with a three-tined fork ? And 1 don't
think you do the fair thing by us on what you
call 'boned hasii.' It's hardly right Mrs. Mc-
Kerrel, to make a hash of sardines and herrings
and then call it ' lioned.' It'n just like
eating a ahoe-bnish. Now tin re ou^ht to
be, once in a whilf, a chanf.'o. Not loo of-
ten, you know ; 1 don't expert you to keep a
French restaurant for seven (Icllura a week,
but just often enough to keep the bill of fare
from growing tiresome. Say once every
seven years. For instance, you may have
'boned hash' to-morrow for dinner, which, it
being Sunday, you will. Well, then you
might have ' laoned hash' every day until

RURAL FELICITY,

1882, and then give as a roiist or a car-sprine
chicken. And so with 'stuffed hash, and
'hash a la mode,' and 'hash la Mayonnais,'
'Lady Washington hash,' 'hash on toast,'
' spring hash, with mint sauce, ' and ' hash a
la mortar,' and the other hashes on your bill
of fare. By serving them up every seven years,
you have enough kinds to run clear into a
Centennial."

The landlady, looking aghast, made an ef-
fort to speak, but young Mr. Olendorf mo-
tioned her to silence.

" And if you would speak to Mrs. Mul-
doon, dear Mrs. McKerrel," he went on,
" and tell her that, while I am not proud,
I do not consider the hickory shirts which
the estimable Mr. Muldoon wears, while he
is developing the railroad resources of the
United States, exactly the things to wear to
church ; and, even if I had no other scruples
against attending public worship in a section
hand's shirt, torn all the way across the
nhoulders and fastened at the neck and cu£fs
with horn buttons, Mr. Muldoon's are five
sizes too large for me, and I would rather she
would send me my own. And if you can
bribe her to put the starch in my collars in-
stead of my handkerchibia, L feel that it will
improve the appearance of

in her house. Boarders she had kept, of th«
very best people and in the hii^hest classes
in society, and this was the hrst time she
had ever beard a word of jomplaint in her
house.

And that is the way Mr. Olerdorf hap-
pened to call around at the Gorham and ask
Andrews for a nice room, a long ways up.
And Andrews gave him a key, and told him
to climb till he knew he was lost, and then
crawl into the first bed he saw.

spare the feelings of a laccated and tender j
nose. No man, Mrs. McKerrel, can wii)e his
nose on a sheet ci:' tin and do the matter jus-
tice."

Mrs. McKerrel placed her hands on her
hips and stcotl up, but Mr. Olendorf begged
her to be patient just a moment, while he
went on :

" And do you think, if I madea chalk mark

Rural Felicity.
Mr, Philetus R. Throop is a well-known
insurance agent of Burlington. He is a per-
fect steam engine to work, and every summer,
when he feels about worn out by his labours,
ne goes out to the farm of his Uncle George
and rests a couple of weeks. He irent out
last summer, as usual, but he only remained
a couple of days, and on his return he was
heard to say that he would never, never, go
into the country again if he died for a breath
of fresh air. The causes which led to this
determination were as follows :

You see, he got a late start on his last trip

out into the country, so that when he reached

his Uncle (ieorge'a farm it was about nine

my neck, and \ o'clock in the evening, and the family, after

on thorn, that your domestic uouM learn the give IJnclo (;eor{.'o and the family !i good

dilt'crence between my hair brush and my
shoe brush ? And, if I m,ade her i little
present, might she not be induced to lookup
sonictliiuu else to black the stoves with in-
stead of a shoe brush ? It is dreadfully mor-
tifying, Mrs. McKerrel, to bbick your shoes
after ni^ht, and get clear in church the next
morning i)oforc discovering thatyour feet are

flisfceniiig in all the glory of ' Plumbago's
few Silver (Jrey Lushre, ' and ovorybody is
laughing at you. Ami then, Mrs. McKerrel,
I don't SCO how my things got so full of snutf.
I never use snuff, and I don't want to com-
plain, but

herself no longer. Hastily thrusting her
snuti'-liox back in her pocket, she bade Mr.
Olendoif pack. What he wanted, she said,
was a Fiftli Avenue hotel for seven dollars a
week, and he couldn't haveit in her house. He
was too particular for such a plain woman as
her ; if ho didn't like the ways of plain peo-
ple, he would have to go where they were
nicer. He was too stuck up and fussy to live

the good ol<l-f ishioned custom, had gone to
bed ; not a lighl. was visible about the house.
Mr. Throop uot out of the waggon in which
a neighbouring farmer had brought him,
before they reached the house, so that the
uoisy wheels would not apprise .'i/iy waking
member of the, fact that a visitor had come.
Then he climbed over the fence and skipped
briskly across lots to reach the house, and

surprise. Mr. Throop was not so familiar
witli the farm -.s he ought to have been to
attempt sucl'. a nocturnal expedition. He
had not gone twenty steps before lie stepped
into a groat ditch, and had time to say all he
could remend)Hr of the child's prayer, "Now
I lay me," before he reached the bottom, and
then had plenty of time to c<>!Mp<)se and
repeat a much more appropriate and longer
one before he crawled out again. Aftor that
he went more slowly, picking his steps wi*-'
the greatest care, and strniniug Ips eyes as
he ])eered into the darkness to distinguish
noxious objects. But it was very dark, ,!nd

Here the exasperatedinatron could restrain | of course appearances were unusually dect;t-

ful. He would walk around a patdi of young
clover or luxuriant turf, his heart standing
still the while with the terror of having so
narrowly escaped walking into a great well,
and the next minute he would, after peering
ahead of him until his eyes ached and sparks
of tiio danced before them, walk with .the
greatest confidence and composure into a pile
of last year's peabrush seven feet high,

cept, of th«
best clasam
-at time she
aiut in her

emlorf hap-
Eim and ask
ways np.
ml told him
t, and then

well-known
He is a per-
ry summer,
his labours,
icle George
went out
remained
urn he was
r, never, go
for a breath
led to this

his last trip
1 he reached
ai)out nine
imily, after
had gone to
t the house,
on in which
)Uglit hiin,
30 that the
(ly waking
r had come.
itid skipped
house, and
lily a good
so familiar
ive boon to
litioii. He
he stepped
' say all he
yer, "Now
ottom, and
Ml pose and
iuid longer
Aftor that
stop.s wi*''
ii's eyes as
distinguish
dark, .ind
illy dectit-
h of young
t Btanding
having so
^reat well,
ber peering
uid sparks
k with .the
into a pile
feet high,

THE QARDBK OF THE GODS.

tif'

knocking off his hat, scratching his face and
tearing nis clothes. And then such a time
as he would have hunting for his hat, and all
the imaginable and unimaginable things that
he would pick up in mistake for that useful
article of apparel, can be far better imagined
than described. And once he ran into a
fence and nearly put his eve out on the end
of a great stake that was standing out like
cue point of a chevaux de /rise. And just
before he got to the barn-yard he was amazed
to discern a creek flowing between him and
the fence, and after vainly hunting in the
dark for a bridge, he pulled off his trousers,
and, holding the bundle of clothes high in his
arms, waded across a stubbletield ! so dry,
every foot of it, that he might have lighted a
match on it anywhere. He thought every
tooth he had would chatter out of his head
before he could get into his clothes again.
Then he got into the barn-yard. He knew
it was the barnyard after he got into it,
because in less than a minute after he had
climbed the fence, he fell over a slumbering
cow, and before he could get up,
the frightened animal rose to her feet
and bucked Mr. Throop over her
head. Then he heard a cow get up
just Vjefore hiin, and another just behind
him, and two or three on the right and left,
and when a cow with a bell that could be
heard two miles got up and began galloping
around the yard stirring up the rest of the
cows, Mr. Throop would have willingly
given up the best risk he had ever taken for
a lantern. It wasn't safe to stand still, so
he took his hat in his hand and went along,
swooping it around him in great circles,
shoutiuj; " Swoosh 1 Hi ! Hooey ! vScat !
Whish ! Whoosh ! .Ste-boy ! " as he went
along. He onlj' hit one cow with his hat,
however, and the animal thus rudely assail-
ed reached out and kicked him in the groin
and doubled him up, and with a farewell
tiourish liit him on the side (^f the face with
the end of a tail so full of cockle i)Urs that it
weighe.l twenty-seven pounds and knocked
him so Hat he tliought he never would want
to gi't 11]) again. Then he saw wliat ho snp-
[losed w as the house, looming up black and
(uiet before him and he thought his trou-
pes were over. They had just begun.

The next minute he stejiped under an
open shed where the agricultural implements
had bt en stored during the 'vintcr. The
first intimation he had of this was i>y failiiu'
over a plough. He scraped both shins, from
the instep to the knee, across the edge of tiu'
share, and one of the handles caught him
under the chin and jabbed his head up and
back so suddenly that he heard his neck
crack, and the other hunched him in the
floating ribs and knocked enough breath out

of him to start a tornado, in a small way bat
on a safe basis. He thousht he never would
get away from that plough, for he no sooner
got one leg oht of the entanglement of
draught-irons, coulter, share and handles,
than he got the other one snarled up in n
still more hopeless maze of mould-hoard,
clevis, sole-plate and beam, besides several
other parts that he didn't know the names
of. And- when at last he vanquished the
plough he lost himself in a cultivator, and wore
himself out trying to crawl through the gang
of coulters. When he got clear of that he fell
in with a reaper and mower, and after prod-
ding his instep into indescrihablo agony by
thrusting it against the sickle guards as he
fell, he caught hold of the reel, which, of
course, immediately whirled with his weight.
But it chanced that quite a large colony of
barn-yard fowls had used the reel as their
roosting place during the winter, and as it
whirled around the amazed and be<rildered
Mr. Throop rained down upon himself a terri-
fic tempest of hens and roosters, Brahmas,light
Cochins, ungainly Shanghais, and a variety
of other breeds in such a tumult of squawk-
ings and cackliugs, and flapping of wings,
and vague but vigorous clawings of feet, that
he didn't care whether he got out alive or
not, and, indeed before .le got through with
the reel he knocked himself down with its
vindictive slats seven times. Then he got
away from that and impaled himself on a
i horse rake, and fell over the handle rtf a fan-
ning mill, and nearly killed himself in tlie
horse power of a thrashing machine, and
finally got into the house yaid, felt his way
to the house, and fell exhausted and speech-
less against the front door with a diamond-
shaped harrow hanging around his neck.
And Uncle George, awakened by the thump
at the door, opened an upstairs window and
demanded wlio was there, and receiving no
i answer shot twice at the recumbent form of
I Mr. Throop with his revolver. And when
; they came down with lights and o[)eiit d the
door, they were as greatly surprised as Mr.
! Throop C( .lid have wished.

Tbe Oardp'xi of the Gods.

The people around Barnes-street will re-
member when Mr. Middlerib [ilaiited the
"garden of the gods." He bought cartloads
of rich earth for it, and loaded it with patent
fertilizers, and ground and stirred and raked
it 11'itil the soil was fine as corn meal. The
see I:' were received hy express, and there
wasn't a ])ai'knge that didn't have a full
college coni-.st! of l^atin printed on the back,
and Kir. Middlerib grew bald trying to pro-
nounce the fearful a-.id wonderful names of
the seed, that were to make the garden of
the gous the wonder of South Hill. When

THE OARDEN OF THB GODS.

ihese ^erma of magnificent flora were planted
the neighboors hung orer the fence in silent
admi*-«Hon and listened to Mr. Middlerib'e
botanical lectures, delivered over every
package that was opened. Where the
abolutut haciedendus mierobvlus was im-
bedded, he erected a larse trestle immediate-
ly, for that impetuous climber to ascf^nd and
ramble over. And where he implanted the
diocantanean psyttachinelienais psoddium, he
reared a tall, straight stick for that towering
mass of blossom and foliage vo shape itseu
against. He refused tha most penetrating
hints for a few seeds of the bianthtu geridian
psotlolieiisis tfiasticua, flaridems bilthtu, and the
care and great gravity with which he earthed
the germs of the bibulua Burlingtoniensis
gvjanteus brought tears to the eyes of the
women. And when the seeds were all
planted, how zealously Mr. Middlerib
watched and wrought and fought for their
protection He would get up in the night
to chase the neighbours' cows around the
house two or three times, and across the
garden of the gods four or five times, and out
of the front gate onoe, and return to his
virtuous couch with profanity in his heart
and mud on his feet, and one slipper down
by the cistern and the other in the verbena
bed.

All the cut-worms in the State of Iowa
appeared to be attending a mass convention
in the garden of the gods. When the tinner
came to Hx the spout, he stuck the ladder by
which he ascended to the roof in that sacred
ground, and the carpenter who patched the
cornice set one of his trestles in the same
place. PJvery tramp who came to beg,
selected that one favoured locality as the
only spot in the world where he might
assume the usual humble and respectful
position, and rehearse the stereotyped appli-
cation for provtnder. Mr. Middlerib nearly
wore out his voice shouting at people and
cows, and railing at cut-worms, and one
Sunday morning he fell asleep in church, and
Mrs. M. prodded him with her parasol just as
the minister said, in impressive accents,
** And liere we are treading on sacred
eroutid." " Git off of it !" yelled Mr. Mid-
dlerib, dreaming of the grocer's boy standing
on tlie g. (). g., and using his oft-repeated
phrase, "Scatter, or I'll bury ye in it!"
And it raised such a church scandal that Mr.
MidiUcri!) was obliged to double his sub-
scription 1;o keep in good fellowship.

Rut after ina:iifold troubles, the garden
came along licauUfidly, only the plants acted
a little (lueer. The climber refused to climb,
bave in a lioriz.nital position, but after its
own way ; and in all general directions on a
horizontal plane it manifested a disposition
to crowd all over that part of South

ifo the
found
e aroun

HilL The diocanUmtan pgyttachinelietui

paoddium scorned the straight stici

by which it was expected to brace iW-4, grows

self, and grew out in crooked branches lib oath Hill

» garden oak. But the tender care it rt f^Qre w

ceived, and the rich earth in which it wa „q^^ ^|

planted, showed what wonders cultiva ^ broug

tion will do, and when, at last, Mr. Middle • ^ huti

rib, after long and manfully holding on .^[^^ q{

against the declarations of the envioa ^^^^

neighbours and the hints of his wife aoi r Midd

daughter, was obliged to sit down on tb -xj^ g^j^^^

porcn, one lovely summer evening, an( ^^^

admit that he had wasted enough breath V YjhH

make a tornado, and filled the air wit) ^j^^^ of

vociferous and murderous threats and vituper < ^^^

ations, and (jnarrelled with three-quarter ^

of his ac(juaintances, all for the sake o ^

raising a jimson weed, it was nevertnelea

a jimson weed nine feet high, with blossonu

as big as inflated sun-flowers. So he let thi

jimson weed stand, and argued with ever

one who came to the house that, with suf

ficient care and proper cultivation, it could

be developed into a fruit-bearing tree. Ai

for the abolutoa haciedendws microbulua, ai

soon as he was morally and botaniisdlj 'Jngi^ie's

certain that it was just chick-weed, Mr. „„afiiu

Middlerib one night secretly pulled it up and

threw it away, and ever afterward professed

to be heart-broken because some rascally,

envious florist had come up from Keokuk

and stolen the choicest climber in the Mis

sissippi Valley. The hianthus geridian

psottoliensis giatticus, florklenn bilthus never

showed itself until toward the lattei- part of

June. Then it thrust up a delicate, fragile

little sprout, drank in a little of the glad

free air and pure sunlight, heard itself Cidletl

by its full name, and drooped under the burden

and died. The bibulua Burliiujtoniensisgiganteui

came up ani did well. It did not flower

very abundantly, but it developed very

marked qna'ities. The chickens came up

and pecked at it, and then laid them down

under the curraut bushes and closed their

eyes upon this world of sorrow and my

sterious plants. The pigs got into the yard

and rooted a little of it up, and their sudden

demise gave rise to the rumour of the hog

cholera, and the air of the hill was vocal for

the next five days with the protests of

healthy porkers against the popular modes

of treating the hog cholera, such as boring

holes along the spine with a red hot iron

and splitting the ears and tail and rubbing

in salt and cayenne pepper. And after

Master Middlerib fooled with it and Jtot some » photoci

of it on his face, which immediately swelled Iplinted o

up so that nothiug was visible to his eyes,

and his eyes were visible to nobody, for

nearly a week, the wonderful plant was

pulled up with the kitchen tongs and thrown

There w;
Imost peri
lounce his
n atheist
lar which
reat dist
reatest hi
rinciple
unately
bout by
anocent
ather war
imfortal)!
hich he
e became
Dlenmly (i
asket in
l> into an
ponderoi
rho shoul
8 the basl
elt in his
irasn't tht
ud felt in
yes of tl
im, and \
iihi't tin(i
iiskot ma
1) the left
locket of
ervousne
vhioh rol
oundc'^ i
he Apoci
lore ner
ve' the (
usiue cos
letters, a

tring, ai
elt like (
M elbow

iraight Stic Wl'o"°d jt. ate it. grew fat
brace

■;

er care it rt
which it wa
iders cultiva
Mr. Middle
r holding on
the envion
his wife ani
down on tl
evening, anfl
)ugh breath i "^
the air witl
itsandritup«r
three-quarter

the sake

B nevertnelea

with blossomi

A TRYING SITUATION.

lie the alley, where the

geese of Soath

~ on it, and

une around and asked for more. Nothing

bra^ch^r lik *** v^ST.'' "°^®'' *'^" heavens can kill a
"^ ^nth Hill goose.

There were other plants in the garden of

e gods that came up and grew to maturity

ud Drought forth blossoms each after his

ind, but as they turned out to be various

)ecies of rae-weed and frog-fennel, they

ere not coimidered %7orthy of mention by

, Ir. Middlerib, But he is disheartened

rvith scientific gaideniug, and he only lives

ow for one object : to ascertain whether

ese Latin names are really the scientific

ames of those plants which they set forth,

r he was swindled by the travelling seed

gent.

A Trying Situatton.
There was a time when Mr. Bilderback was

Soheletthi /'^^ , ,^ ^ „,.

r^uv, [most persuaded to :ut oti his pew rent, re-
ounce his religious convictions, and become
n atheist or a pagan, he wasjoot very partic-
lar which. He was for many weeks in
reat distress of mind, and professed the
reatest hatred of all churches, on general
rinciples. Tliis state of afiFairs, which for-
unately was not permanent, was brought
bout by a very annoying, though perfectly
anocent occurrence. One beautiful but
ather warm Sunday morning he was dozing

}d with ever?
lat, with su
ation, it could
ring tree. Ai
microbulua, ai
d botanioillj
ck-weed, Mr.
illed it up an(
^ard professec
jome rascally,
from Keokuk
3r in the Mis'
■thus geridian
bilthus never

omfortably in his pew, in the church of

rhich he is onu of the main sleepers, when

became aware of an apparition gliding

lattel°part of "'®°'"^y '''*'^'» the aisle with a collection

elicate, fraeilt
3 of the glad
•d itself caUeil
ler the burden
iensisgigantem
id not flower
veloped very
ens came up
d tliem down
d closed their
row and my.
nto the yard
i their sudden
ir of the hog
was vocal for
3 protests of
)pular modes
ch as boring
red hot iron
and rubbing
And after
and uot some
ately swelled
to his eyes,
nobody, for
il plant was
) and thrown

asket in its hand. Mr. Bilderback braced
p into an erect posture, cleared his throat in

ponderous tone of Roman firmness, as one
rho shouUl say "Who's beeu asleep ? " And
8 the biisket was extended toward him, he

It in his trousers pocket for his wallet. It
ifasn't there, and as he withdrew his h:^nd,
ud felt in the other pocket, he felt that the
yes of tlie whole congregation were upon
im, and that was all he felt, for he certainly
iiiu't rind any pocket-book. He nodded the
askot man to wait, asecoud, and leaned over
i» the left while he felt in tht right inside
ocket of his coat, from which in his growing
ervousness he drew half a dozen chestnuts
vhich rolled over the floor witli a rattle that
oundr>^ in his hot ears like the thunders of
he ApO(^aly*^)se, and made him warmer and
iiore nervous than rer. Then he leaned
»Te" the end of me pew and felt in the other
usuie coat pocket and drew out a bundle of
etters, a lot of postal cards, a circus tichet,

photograph of an actress, a funny story
>riuted on a card, a pocket comb and a long
tring, and his face grew so warm his breath
elt like a hot air blaat. Then he squared
tis elbows and went for hia vett pooketi, and

strewed the pew cnahion with quill tooth*
picks, newspaper acrapa, street car checks, »
shoe buttoner, some lead pencil stubs, and
crumbling indications of chewing tobacco, a
bit of se^ng wax, a piece of liquorice root
about an inch long, and three or four matchef^
Then he leaned forward and, stung to mad-
ness 1^ the smilea which were breaking out
all around that church worse than the
measles in a primary school room, dived into
his coat tail pockets, and drew forth a red
silk handkerchief, two apples, a spectacle
case, a pair of dog skin gloves, an overcoat
button, and a fine assortment of bits of
dried orange peel and lint. Then he stood
up, devoutly praying that an earthquake
might come along and swallow up either him
or the rest of the congregation, he didn't care
much which, and went down into his hip
pockets, from which he evolved a revolver, a
corkscrew, a cigar case, a piece of string, a
memorandum book, and a pocket knife. By
this time Mr. Bilderback's face was scarlet
clear down to his waist, and he Mas so ner-
vous and worked up that he nearly shook
his clothes off, while the man with the bas-
ket couldn't have moved away, if he had
died for staying. And when Mr. Bilderback
in forlorn despair, once more rammed hia
hand into the trousers pocket where
he began the search, the congregation
held its breath, and when Mr. Bilderback
drew forth the very pocket-book, which
he had missed in his first careless
search, and had since all but stripped
to find, there was a jigh of relief
went up from every devout heart in that
house. But Mr. B derback only dropped
into his seat with an abruptness that made
the windows rattle, and registered a mental
vow that he wasn't going to come out to
church again to be made a fool of by*a man
with a long handled darning basket.

Hr. BUdertMick Loaea his Hat.

"No," Mr. Bilderback said, "it wasn't.''
He put it there last night, the last thing be-
fore he went to bed, he remembered most
distinctly. It wasn't there now, and he
iidn't know who had any business to move
it. Somebody had done it, and he hoped to
gracious that it would be the last time.
Somebody was always meddling with his
things.

Mm. Bilderback, uoming down stairs with
a weary air, asked if he had looked in the
closets ?

•^"Closets?" Mr. BUderback snarled,
" Kingdom of Ireland I Does any sane man
put his hat in the cloaeta when he wants it
every time he goea out ? No. I hung it up
right here, on tbia very book of this particu-
lar rack, and if it had been left alone, it

MB. BILDUIBAGK LOSI8 HIS HAT.

would be ther* now. Somo of yon moat
h*ve muved it. It hasn't got legs and couldn't
get away alone. "

Master Bilderback BngG;e8ted that it
wouldn't be very surprising if it felt its way
along fur a little ways, for which atrocities
hi was rewarded with a wild glare and a
vicious cutf trom his unappreciative parent.
Then Mr. Bilderback said, " Well, I suppose
I can walk down town bareheaded,"

Well, that was the usual formula. Every
body knew just what it meant, and as soon
as it was said the family scattered for the
regular morning search. Mrs. Bilderback
looked in all the closets with the air of John
Rogers going to the stake, and then she
went into an old chest, that had the furs
and things put away in it. and was only
opened twice a year, except when Mr. Bilder-
back's hat was lost, which occurred on an
average three times a day. She shook pepper
or fine out tobacco or camphor out of every-
thing she picked up, and varied her search

back, he helped hunt, toa Hia system o
conducting a search was to go around int<
the back yard and play "tosa ball " up
against the end of the house, making myste
rious disappearances, with marvellous celerity
behind the woodpile or under a large store
box, so ott as he heard the mutteringa of thi
tempest that invariably preceded and an
nounced his father's approach.

But Mr. Bilderback. His was a regular
old composite system of investigation ; it com
bined and took in everything. He raged
through the sitting-room like a hurricane
he looked under every chair in that room
and then upset them all to see if he mightn't
possibly have overlooked the hat. Then he
looked on all the brackets in tlie parlour,
and behind the window curtains, .and kicked
over the ottoman to look for a hat that he
couldn't have squeezed into a wash -tub,
And he kept up a running commentary all
the time, which served no purpose except to
warn his family when he was coming and

by the most extraordinary sneezes that ever i give them time to prepare. He looked, into
issued from human throat, while ever aud , the clock and left it stopped and standing
anon she paused to wipe her weeping eyes ! crooked. And he would like to know w ho

and say that "well, she never." Mrs. Bihler
back's search for the lost hat never got be-

?'on(l that chest. She would kneel down be-
ore it and * \ke the things out one by one,
ftnd put them back, and take them out, and
aneeze and sigh, and wonder occasionally
" where tlie liat could be," but her search
never went beyond the old moth proof chest.
Miss Bilderback contiued her search to the
uncut pages of the last Scrihtur, which she
carefully cut and looked into, with an eager
scrutiny that told how intensely interested
ahe was in finding that hat. She never
varied her method of search, save when the
approaching footsteps of her father warned
her that jie was swinging on his erratic ec-
centric in that direction, when she hid the
magazine, and picking up the corner of the
piano cover looked under that article with a
aweet air of zealous interest, exclaiming in
tones of pretty vexation, ' 'I wonder where
it can be ?" Ami it was noticeable that this
action and remark, both of which she never
failed to repeat every time her father came
into the room, had the effect of throwing
that estimable but irascible old gentle-
man into paroxysms of the most vio-
lent passion, each one growing worse than
its predecessors, until they would culminate
in a grand burst of wrath in which he order-
ed her to quit lookiltg for his hat. Then she
would retire with an injured air and tell her
mother, between that indefatigible searcher's
aneezes, that " one might wear one's self out
alaving and looking for pa's hat in every con-
ceivable place, and all the thanks one got
/or it was to lie scolded." Master Bilder-

touched that hat. He looked into his daugh
i tor's work-box, a sweet little shell that
i " George " gave her, and he emptied it out
j on the table and wnndci ed what such trump-
ery WHS fo)-, and who in thunder iiid liis hat.
I " It must be hid," he said, jieering down
with a dark, suspicious look into an odour
i bottle somewhat larger than a thimble, " for
i it couldn't have got so completely out of
sight by accident." If people wouldn't med-
dle with his things, he howled, for the bene-
fit of Mrs. Bilerback, whom he heard sneczinir
as he went past the closet do^r, he would
know just where to find them, because (look-
ing gloomily behind the kitchen wood box)
he always had one place to put all his things
(and he lifted off the lid of the spice-box),
and kept them there. He glared savagely
out of the door, in hopes of seeing his hope-
ful son, but that youthful strategist was out
of sight behind his intrenchuients. Mr.
Bilderback wrathfully ••esunied his search,
aud roared, for his daughter's benefit, that
he would spend every cent lie had intended
to lay out for winter bonnets, in new hats for
himself, and then maybe he might be able to
find one when he wanted it Then he opened
the door of the oven aud h)oked darkly in,
turned all the cdothes out of the wash basket,
and strewed them around, wondering "WfO
had hi«l that hat?" And he pulled the
clothes-line off its nail, and got down on his
hands aud knees to look behind the refrigera-
tor, and woudered "who had hid that
hat ; " and then he climbed on the back of a
chair to look on the top shelf of the cupboard,
and sneezed around among old wide-mouthed

family

1.1

!!■ Bystem o
around iQt(
toaa ball " up
naking myatC'
ellous celerity,
a large store
tteringa of the
leded and an

was a regular

Ration; it com
He raged

a hurricane ;
n that room,

if he mightn't
lat. Then he

tlie parlour,
and kicked
a hat that he

a wash -tub.
nimentary all
jose (fxcept to
3 coming and
e looked into
and standing
to know v\ ho
ito his daugh-
le shell that
iptied it out
t such trump-
r liid liis hat.
leering dowu
ito an odour
himble, "for
letely out of
I'oubln't nied-
for the bene-
eard sueezinu
r, he would

ecause (look
n wood box)
all his things
le spice-box),
ed savagely
iig his hope-
■gist was out
iiients. ]Mr.

his search,
bencHt, that
ad intended
new hats for
it be able to
m he opened
I dark^'^ in,
I'ash -basket,
leiiug "wfio

pulled the
lown on hia
he refrigera-
; hid that
ie back of a
c cupboard,
de-mouthed

MIND RBADINO.

bottles and pungent paper parcels, and won-
dered in mufiSed wrath, " who had AtcZ that
hat ? " And he went down into the cellar
and roamed around among rows of stone jars
covered with plates and tied up with brown
paper, and smelling of pickles and things in
all stages of j)rogre88 ; every one of which he
looked into, and how he did wonder " who
had hid that hat." And he looked into dark
comers and swore when lie jammed his
head against the corners of swinging
•helves, and felt along those shelves anil
run his fingers into all sorts of bowls,
containing all sorts of greasy and sticky
stuff, and thumped his head against hams
hanging from the rafters, at which he swore
anew, and he peered into and felt around in
barrels which seemed to have nothing in
them but cobwebs .and nails ; shook boxes
which were prolific in dust and startling in
rata, and he wondered "Avho had hid that
hatf"

And just then loud whoops and shouts
came from up stairs, announcing that " here
it was." And old Bilderbiick went up ntairs
grouliny, because the person who hid it
hadn't biou<^lit it before, and saw the entire
family pointing out into the back yard,
where the hat surmounted Mr. Bilderback's
cane, whi';h was leaning against the fence,
"Just where you left it, pa," Miss Bilderback
explaim>d, " when we caJled you into supper,
and it has been out there all night." And
Mr. Bilderback, evidently restraining, by a
violent tffort, an intense desire to bless his
daughter with the cane, remarked with a
mysterious manner, that "It was mighty
singula!, " and putting on the hat, he strode
away with trreat dignity ; leaving his wife
and daughtt^r to re-arrange the house.

Mind Reading.
One morning, about the middle of the
spring term. Master Bilderback miide his ap-
pearance at school with a subdued manner
apparent in all his actions, while a cast of
sadness min]b;le<l with traces of pleasant mem-
ories overspread his countenance. It was, in
short, tliut general expression of penitence
\H)ich peojile assume after a lioliday of more
than usual hilarity. Hia (^uiet manner
astonished the scholars and alarmed his
teachi r, who feared tliat it was a portent of
■omie unusual mischief, and kept her eye
upon the ' '. in consefjuence. He did not
appear to be conscious of the surveillance
uuaer which he was placed. He bent no
pins, he chewed no gum, he tired at the a^l-
jaoent scholars no projectiles of masticated
paper during the morning; no dismal but
subdued cat calls were heard from the vicinity
of bis seat; no grotesque grimaces made his
neighbours laugh with uncoiinterfeited glee ;

restful were bis feet, and quiet the tiugers
which wrre wont to drum on the desk four
minutes out of every five. Master Bilder-
back was either in some deep aiMiction or he
waa ill. There was aomething wrong about
him.

It tranapired, along toward noon, when
Maater Bilderback's spirits began to rise a
little, that he had indeed passed undtr the
rod, with hia father at the other end of it,
during the evening previous. The waters of
affliction had >;oue over his soul, and his back
had gone under the sole of his mother's slip-
per. It seems they had company at Mr. Bil-
derback's that evening, quite a large party, in
fact, and the conversation turned on mind
reading. The discussion became very spirited,
Mr. Bilderback being the leader of the party
wliich avowed its belief iu meameiic influ-
ences. The usual arguments of learned
length and tliundering sound were hurled
bach and forth, Mr. Bilderback winning es-
pecial distinction ))y the clearness with m hich
he ))roved that, in certain esthetic conditions
of the mental and physical system, the pecu-
liar i)sychic forces which always exiat<:(l in a
latent state, were roused into an active t;on-
dition ; and the action of the intellect uj.on
the cereljrum was felt in the cerebellum, and
transmitted by mesmeric condition to the
candelebra. where the psychomatic trans-
fusion of the (icciuital parietis made the Ego
as cogniz.ant of tiie mutation and genuflexions
of the non-Ego, as though the psychic modi-
Hcations really impinged upon the same
ganglion ; and the nerve along the ganglia of
the two systems, transmuted l)y a touch of
the hand, were, and could only be, identical.
And Mr. Bilderhack's party said, "Yes;
what could you say to that, now ?" And thi,
other party shook their heads and said,
" Ves ; but that was only a theory, after
all ; they would like to see the hypothesis
demontrated. " And at that critical junc-
ture, Master Bilderback, who had l>een an
attentive listener, s]joke up, iu his rough,
horrid style, and (leclared that "that wasn't
nauthin';"' that the}' tried it at school, a:<t'
he couM let the boys hide things and then
lead them right to the place where they were
hid. The excitement ran high for a few
moments, ami Master B. waa closely cate-
ciiised, but he never varied from his original
story ; and they finally determined to try
him.

Mr. Tweesdlc, a young fellow who dotes on
poetry and Miss Bilderback, was the first
subject. He announoed that he was think-
ing of a certain object, and by the way he
looked at the mind reader's sister, every-
body thought they knew what it was. But
Master Bilderback sei2e<l him by the hand,
led him out in the hall and up to the hat-

A EkVH BIT.

rMk, followed by the entire company, »nd
reaching his hand in Mr. Tweedle's overcoat
pooket, drew forth a bag contaiaine a pound
of Bausages, half a dozen eggs, and a couple
of rusks, remarking, "There, that's what
you're thinking of." And just at that
moment he certainly was, although he shook
his head in an idiotic manner and laughed
feebly, while all the rest of the people never
smiled, but only looked at each other and
said, '* Why, how funny !"

This sad affair cast a gloom over the entire
community for a few momenta, but the
people rallied and demanded another test.
There was a general reluctance on the part of
the visitors to take a hand in it. and so Mrs.
Bilderback was prevailed upon to bfj a sub-
ject in the course of scientidu experiments.
As soon as she had assumed a pensive ex-
pression and announced that her mind was
wholly oecut>ied with one subject, to the ex-
clusion of all other terrestrial things, the boy
gra8{)od l»er by the hand, and away they
went, sailinsi up stairs, follo\v(?d by the en-
tire congre^^ation. The mind-reader mar-
shalled them into a room, and leading his
HubjcHit straight to the bureau, drew from a
small drawer a false set of teeth and a bottle
of hair dye. Mrs. Bdderback shrieked, the
comjiany l()f)ked grave, and some of the
ladies declared to each other that well now,
they never did.

There was another brief season of gloom,
which was dissipated by Mr. Bilderback de-
claring that as neither of the subjects in the
two experiments they had just witnessed
had denied the accuracy of the
mind-reailer's judgment, he would sub-
mit to the test himself, (jlreat applause
greeted this determination, and as Mr. Bilder-
back, with a glance that threatened a mas-
sacre if there were any tricks played on him,
placed his h;.' I in that of his son, the con-
gregation rose en masse to follow where the
mind-reader mi<^ht lead. Master Bilderback
placed his hand against his father's forehead
for a moment ; then he placed it against his
own and remained for several seconds in a
thoughtful posture, and then led his reluctant
parent, followed by the company, out of
doors, and, calling for a lantern, which was
provided, they went into the wood shed,
where the mind reader, despite several
stealthy nudges from his parent, reached his
hand behind a pile of hickory knots, and
drew forth a whiskey bottle nearly a foot
long, flat as a board, and about half full.
Then a shadow fell upon the community that
not even the cordial good nights that were
exchanged at the door could dissipate, and,
after the footsteps of the last reveller had
died away in ihe distanoe, Master Bilderback
held two separate private seances with his

parents, the remarkable manifestations of
which occasioned the subdued state of mind
and unusual depression of spirits which wer«
so painfully apparent in the young man ths
following day.

A Safe Bet.

One night last winter old Mr. Balbriggan,
who lives out on Columbia-street, had occa-
sion to make a journey out to the wood shed
to get the hatchet. It was very dark, and,
as there was no lantern about the house, Mr.
Balbriggan took a kerosene lamp, and, shad-
ing it very carefully with a big tin pan,
started out to the wood shed. The wind was
rather uncertain and gusty, and Mr. Bal-
briggan had some misgivings about his get-
ting out to the shed without accident ; and
every time the lamp flared his mind misgave
him. " I'll bet a dollar that lamp'U blow
out," he muttered when the first gust came,
but he shied the tin pan around with great
promptness, and the lamp steadied down.
There came another gust and a bigger flare,
and the chances for the lamp going out im
proved so decidedly that the old gentleman
promptly raised his first stake. " I'll bet a
dollar and a half," he muttered, '"that lamp
blows out. " Then the wind lulled a little,
and as he hurried on toward the shed it was
so quiet that, while he didn't quite lose all
confidence, he began to hedge a little. " I'll
bet fifty cents," he said, " it'll go out before
I get hack." Another gust and a Hare. "I'll
bet two dollars tiiat lain)> l)]o\vi out," mut-
tered the old gentleman again, chipping a
little higher as the chances seemed to grow
V)etter ; but again he saved the light by the
time'y interposition of the tin pan " I'll
bet three dollars," he ciied v.itii great earn-
estness, as the next gust came, ' ' this
lamp'U blow out," but there were no
takers aad the lamp rallied again. But a
still stronger gust fairly lifted the flame out
of the top of the smoked chimney ; and the
old gentleman hissed in a hoarse, suppressed
whisper, "I'll bet five dollars tjjis lamp'U
blow out." But it settled down to work
once more, and did very well until Mr. Bal-
briggan got very close to the woodshed ;
when the wind rallied and came at the lamp
from two or three directions at once, and the
old gentleman fairly shouted, I'll bet ten

dollars this lamp'U blow " and just then

the door of the woodshed blew violently
open, hitting the lamp and the tin pan,
knocking them both out of Mr. Balbriggan's
hands, and striking the old gentleman a ter-
rible blow in the face that made him see
more lights dancing in the air, for about a
second, than even the lamp could send forth.
And whUe he held his nose with one hand
and groped around with the other to find

stations of
ate of mind
which wer«
ig man th«

Balbriggan,
;, had ooca-
! wood shed
dark, and,
house, Mr.
and, shad*
J tin pan,
le wind was
I Mr. Bal-
it his get-
ident ; and
nd misgave
nip'll blow
gust came,
with great
ied down.
igger flare,
ug uut im
gentleman
' I'll bet a
'that lamp
d a little,
lied it was
te lose all
ttle. "Ill
) out before
Hare. '"I'll
out," mat-
chipping a
d to grow
^ht by the
n "I'U
great earu-
ne, "this
! were no
n. But a
flame out
^ ; and the
suppressed
^id lamp'll
1 to work
il Mr. Bal-
vuodshed ;
t the lamp
■e, and the
'11 bet ten
just then
violently
' tin pan,
vlhriggan's
man a ter-
le him see
)r about a
lend forth,
one hand
9r to find

YOUNG MR. COFFINBlSfeUY BUYH A DOG.

where he was, there came from the house
door the voice of the eldest juvenile Bal-
briggau, falling through the darkucss like a
falling 3tar : "Kaise hiiu out, pa. r-uae hiui
him out ; make it a huudrud dollars ; you've
got a dead Hure thing on it ! "

The Lay of the Cow.

SwiU'h endue Lotiita, "B. C. U & M.,"

Was BlowituiT up Front Str-ot nbout three I'. M.

When the stoker looked out of the window to

say,
" There's a (.'ow goinir 'crods the t-r-a-c-kay."

Pensively lialtedtho cow <m the track,
Buro on tier luMident tail, bi'dn ui) herbuuk :
Dreaming u[ Suniniei', ylit; seeaied uol to see.
The aypro.v(;h ijf the switoh e-n-g-l-n-e.

dog, and he tried to read all the signs, and
crawl under all the waggon8,an(l dive between
every body's legs as he went along. And
the first thing he knew, he had a cuittract on
hand that was much too big for him, and he
Wiw just about crazy over it, for he wasn't
the dog to give up, if he was young, and he
stuck to his work like a Trojan. And this
was what made people ]au,i;;li. The young
I man who was leading liim had just lifted his
, hat to some lady acrjuaintauces who were
I passing when the dog, looking up, misunder-
stood tl)e motion and thought Ids master was
going to hit him adiff witii that hat. With
I the natural instinct of self preservation, the

'Tlieresho is now,'
■for tlio now."'
cried,

shy, timid young thing dashed between the
young man's legs and ran to the length of
his tether ; tiie.i he ga''e a terrified howl and
'riliuo ! Qh, ! darted back in the opposite direction, going
outside the youuj; man's right leg. Then,
with a terrified yelp it sprang back between
the legs again, circled around and came down
outside the left leg. Then it ran rapidly
around the young man, dived through his
never hoided nor tliought that her j legs agaiu and ran around him once and a

half iu an opposite direction, and his last
manceuvre closed the performance, for it
wound the dog completely up, with his
frightened face laid close against the young
man's knee. Mr. Coflinberry blushed to his
ears, and replacing his hat, began the task
of extricating himself from the toils that art-
ful dog had cast around him. But the ani-
mal's confidence was not yet entirely
restored, for at every movement of Mr.
Cotfinberry's hands, he squirmed and writiied
and pulled back on the string until he was
olutked, and coughed and gasped in a manner
moat terrifying to the people not tlioroughly
People lifce I their eyes above their mufflers acquainted with the symptoms of hydropho-
one raw Novviiulier morning as they walked \ Ida, and the young man was naturally as
down JefFer.son street, andsiuilo I and grinned, i badly frightened, when these paroxysms
and lauglied even unto hysterical weeping, j became very lively, as was the dog itself. It
s they wat ;iic.l the ti>ils(tme and uncoitain 1 was fifteen minutes before the snarl was
progress of a patient young man who ha I i disentangled. Then before they had gone
bought a dig .uul wis leatling" his property lialf a block further, that dog, after having

Once more spake i lie stoker.
"Buliy," thi^ ciKinij jr (juolli, '
And rcvcr-tiiii? \\\a engine he

shoo !"
Said the sioiicr, "Oli, shoo't the see-oh-double-

vou."

Shrilly the whistle shrieked fo^th ifaalarm,
d the SI

swarm ;
But thtt c 'W

star
Was setting at fo'ir miles an li-o-u-r.

Tlie awiU'h en -me struck hor about amidships.
And hersuiiiinerdreains lOf. with at >tal eclipse;
ft mangled ti r carcase, most shocking to see,
And threw her down Front s-t-r-doubie-e-tce.

Siadly the engineer drew in his head.

And "pulled her vvid^ouen." asonvvardhe sped;

Bat the St )ker smiled gayly, "Old fellow," said

he,
"There's some cheap porterhouse s-t-a-k-c.'"

'That isn't, the way to spell por erhouse steak,
but thf. ri,'lit way wouldn't rhyme.

Young Mr. Coflanberry Buys a Dog.

home. It was a nice enough kind of a dog,
one of tile kind of dogs whose mouth begins
bav:k close to tlie shoulders. It had dread-
fully long legs, this dog, with great knobs of
knees, and its restless tail had a dejected
droop, as though the dog was just heart-
broken at the idea of leaving liis old home.
The young man was leading the dog along
with a vei y long string, oue end whereof was
tied around the dog's neck. The only
trouble with the do^ was that he was young.
He had not attained the years of discretion.
He couldn't trot placidly along thinking of
things. He couldn't walk at his master's
heels with a face as solemn as though he
expected to be sausage before Thanks^ving
Dftj. He WM » Dflryous, fidgety, inqauitive

rushed into and been forcibly, and in some
instances rather petulantly, dragged out of
every doorway on the line of march, incon-
tinently shot down a cellar grating, where he
was immediately clawed and scalped by a
cat as big as a soup box, and was also
nearly garrotted by his master draw-
ing him up out of the cellar by the
cord, for all the world as though he was a
well bucket. About thirty steps further on,
the dog ran between a clergyman's legs, got
frightened and ran around him once and then
dived between his master's legs, then rushed
out towards the curb stone, but changing his
mind, circled back and scooped in a blushing
school teacher, »nd then gued uuon the mis*
chief he had wrought, with hiaeone howli»

A MODSIUl G09UK.

The bystanders thought <^bey never could get
out of that entanglement. The minister de-
elared alternatively that " he never did "
and moreover that "well he never;" the
blushing school teacher remarked " good
gracious," and suggested also, "dear me,"
and, furthermore, " well, 'low ;" and the
young man said something ao<m^ the dog
being damp, which was highly improbable as
tlie morning was very raw. By dint of a
great deal of persuasion and pulling and
hauling, however, in ^hich they were greatly
assisted by the dog, the unhappy trio were
finally separated and went their way, making
itoeffectual efforts to look unconcerned. Then
the dog wrapped himself up around a lamp
post ; then he got through the hind wheel of
a grocer'? waggon five or six times, back and
forth, around a difiereut spoke every time,
while his master was talkmg to the grocer,
and the latter drove oif before ths young man
noticed what arrangements his dog hc.d con-
ciudeil with the wheel, and JefTcrson-street
IK as edified by the spectacle of a dog wound
up to a waggon wheel and revolving rapidly
with it, while a young i.\an of pleasing ad-
dress ran alongside the wheel and adiled his
agonized appeals to the iialf-sti.'led wails uf
the hanging pup. They got the waugon stop-
pod and got the pup loose, and tiio young
man, wearied with the long struggle, reso-
lutely turned toward the store, and walked
rapidly away, the unhappy dog lying prone
on his hack, gaspin^^ and pawing the air,
while the hoys wlio witnessed the strange
procei^sion made the welkin ring with cries of
"Dog'sa chokin ! mi«ter,yer dog's achokin!"
But young Mr. Coffinberry knew that so long
as his dog was helplessly sprawled on liis
back he couldn't wrap the inhabi tarts of
Burlington up in perspiring, distracted
groups, so he t apt on the even tenor of his
way, and wh**.! he finally untied the string
from the animal's neck and turned him 1< e
in the store, there wasn't so much hair ou
that dog's back as wouhl make a tooth brush.

A Modern Ctoblin.

A dreary, cheerless Christinas Eve. The
dead hour of day, when the pale twilight
falls over the earth, still and eolourlcKS as a
shioad. Down t!ie long vistas of de8erte<l
streets but here and tlujre the feeble rays of
■ome Btru(;irling light dcnnis through the
gray twilij^lit, pale as the glitter of a jowtl
on the lirow of death. Across the dull waste
of sky the ghostly clouds fly before a piercing
wind, which whirls ;>nd tears tlieir edges in-
to fluttering fringes. The uloan.ing fades
■lowly ai>d almost imperceptll)ly into night.
Away back from the town, out on the bleak
hillsides, the lenftess tt-^es toss their bare
Atm*, gauht iiKftn«|i agaUfflt'the pallor of the

sky, the twayins; branches answering theii >ells chii
mocking shOidows, dancing like spectres os bh« bleak
the frozen ground ; while the witheredphutters.
leaves rustle Tike very shudders.

The hour, neither light nor darkness,
neither day nor ni;,'ht, ^hat, with
weird, indescribable magic, draws you
from the cheery grate to press your
face against the cold window, and
dream out into the gray light, peopled

{lea all j
ng the
iti totl'esh
iisaitpea
rassals o
in auswe
ill possil

with spectres and visions — often grotesque, lorpulen

but never merry — that come trooping from
every shadow. (Monies a rosy little face
framed in tangled tresses — ah, long, loug un
folding years must roll l>aok to take you to
the time when the laughing eyes looked into
yours; tonight you reroeniVier — dear child
— the dimpled handi were crossed on the
pulseless breast, when you were a boy ; and
the cheerless winter landscapes, the dreary
hills of snow, and the leafless forests stretch
away, mile after weary rnii«, between your
home and where the Christmas winds sigh
plaintive monodies over her little grave,
There conies a thoughtful, earnest fane, mftnly
and nol)]e ; u ])laMiiate of your boyhood, a

awful b
iar aqu€
inder th
jur best
A.nd wl
onger
window
anionsl
burner,
tna the
time, W(
place,'
wise eni|
For t
reached

colhge clas-smate and friend ; the man who f^'Mxt ha

titood for your ideal of all that is biave and
true, and vii tuouis ami generous. As you
look at it, you remember, to-night, that
when j'ou saw the real face, so little time ago,
it was worn and ol<l audhaggani, and stamp-
ed with the lejtrous mark of vice. Yfiu
shuihler at the recollection ; but the pleading
look of the visio'i goes to your heart as it
fa ie.s away ; and other faces long forgotten
crowd befoie yon. One. furrowed with
marks ot jiatient suffering and care, with sil-
ver bauii.i ill tliehrown hair drawn so smooth-
ly awny from tlie brow , mother-love glisten-
iiiji in the tender eyes, mother lov' in the
([uivering, heart-reaching eloquence of the
tieniulous lips, mother-love in the caressing
gesture of the gentle liaii<ln -what wonder
that it lingers long, and faiUs only wlnnyou
brush :lie burning tears that blind your eyes
and veil the vision from your .sigiit ! And
comes one sweeter, dearer than all — your
heaf^ throbs nuiro quickly as you see a sha-
d«'' . 'it' in the deepening twilight a face
gli»ri'ing with blu.shesaiul wreathed in smiles;
a face thatsiiniie into your life like suii.sliine,
ill its bright springtime daj;B ; a face that
has remained onstHiit while everything else
liaH changed -your old heart grows tender
and young with dear lecoUeetioiiK, and ycni
thank ( Jod that although years have set their
mark upon this ilear vision, it is still your»,
loving, faithful, and powerful to bkas and
charm in every mood and at all tiuies. It is
gone and looming through the deepening
shadow.s another form of faniiliar presence
fl^e^ l^»}{((»re youj T1^^8ijlv;}^|'^'>)i^e8ofiViempry

rightonf
;he blaci
ating th
ness me
withord
mdtoch
ng, pose
leTate I c
re 'ow
uxury o
ivives h;t
ueraberj
poliziiu
;.is bid
aithful

V! been
prill be a
•uddy irl
)ut into
8 opene
iverte I,
lowling
t. The

;iiristiii

all'iuM,

;hmn ot)

Miy it V

leaerilM
July the

10U84 d

)laiiksiti
lu.st th»

.Vud
treet, \
lud gu I

A MODERN GOBLIN«

nawering theiip>ells chime like a Christmas enrol thron^h
ike spectres ob bh« bleak wiad sbakiog ao angrily the noisy
withered ihutters. It is the milkman, and he jao*
l^es all your sweet drenms out of tuue, send-
ng the ({hosts your retrospect ha» raised back
iti bo tbe shadowy past. And a.s your visions
yon Jisappear, you dismally watch the female
vassals of the neif^hbourhood sallying forth
in answer to the tinklint; summons, bearing
kll possible maimer of squatty tinware and
iorpulent yellow bowL, in which to receive
awful but attenuated measures of the pecu-
iar aqueous fluid of cerulean hue with which
nier the ghastly appellation of "cream,"
to take yon to >ur best society dilutes its table beverages.
yes looked into A.iid wlien ibis amusement ceases to be
er — dear child onger interesting, you leavH the draughty
crossed on the irindow and seek the more congenial com-
janionsliip of the black close-shut gas-
burner, which out of respect to your conceit
lua the conventionalities ot the Christmas
time, we have designated a " cbeery fire-
place," witli an incipient cold in your other-
wise empty head
For the

the
srs

nor darkness,
lat. with

draws
o press your
window, and
light, peopled
ten grotesque,
trooping from
osy little face

long, long un.

re a boy ; and
es, the dreary
forests stretch
between your
as winds sigh
• little grave,
est fane, niAnly

lur boyhood, a reached to

long hill that stretches around behind th«
house like a tf"^^ horse shoe, and looks down
on all the business, and bustle, and noise,
and hurry, and work, and fatigue that have
made tlie city so rich and powerful. And
just at the time we were speakinsj: about, a
gentleman was making devious headway up
this hill, just as the street leaves the business
of the cit^ and goes scrambling up to the
quiet and rest op top of the h 11. A discour-
aged looking gentleman, who seemed to have
begun his <Jtiristmas at the wrong end, and
so got nearly through with it before it had
really commen:jed. The gentleman's Napo-
leonic head was covered, part of the time,
with a glossy silk tile, which <(rt had shaped
into the fashionable, uncomfortable cylinder
which adorns the caputs of our Best Young
Men, but accident, 6ft recurring, and too
many vigorous slappings on and pattings
down by the officious but ill-directed zeal of
many frieuiis, and too frequent steppiugs on
bv the owner as the la:it means of checkin

the uian who
is 1)1 ave and
lus. As you
to-night, that
little time ago,
ril, andstamp-
)f vice. Yfiu
lit tht; pleading
ir heart as it
long forgotten
irrowed with
care, with sil-
iwiisosmooth-
ir-Jove glisten-
^r lov • ill the
quence of the
the caressing
wliat wonder
only wlK-nyou
liiid yoiu- eyes
' «iKlit ! And
lian all— ynur
on so»' a iiha-
ili^ht H face
thei! in smiles;
like sunshine,
a face that
v'er\ thing else
grows tender
ioUK, and you
have set their
is still youri,
to bless and
times. It is
he deepeniug
iliar presence
\w of i^iempry

its mad career in a rac^ '.vith the wind, ha
shadows have beckoned and I graced this glossy cylindm with many alter-
each other, and joined their | nate elevaticms and deprassiims, I'iving it

iant hands, and danced until the light is
rightenel away. In heavier volumes rolls
he black smoke f tn every chimney. ,indi-
atingthiit theesti a.ible and respectable bus-
iness men of the city, having left \,hei' clerks
with orders to save gas and not waste the coal,
ind to close the store oidy when the last linger-
Dg, possible chance of securing one more
)eTate i customer has faded into hopelessuess,
ire 'ow at home, enjoying the unspeakable
uxury of heaping the stove with coal their
wives hive carried in, and driving the other
uemher.s of
)I)olizing the

ias lii.rht3 twinkle in the streets, for the
aithful alnia'iac in the gas coiopriny's offijo

that corrugated etfect so attractive, natural,
.and useful in the wa. I l)o:vrd and concertina,
but very repugnatit .md ungraceful in the
silk hat. The gentleman's eccentric sfyle
of buttoning his over.:i.,it, three holes over
the same button, lent an air of abstraction
to his general appearance, while his knitted
brow toM of intense mental conflict and
exertion. He made iittle forays from the
sidewalk to tlie middle of the street, return-
ing to his pathway by devious and an<;ular

balHe

ways, as though striving to Oattle some

the family to maduess by niou- j unseen pursuer. From time to time he made

privdege of poking the fire. vii;i<)u.s, i.npulsivrf. stanle.-l clutches at the

streai.iing ends ol' lii.s iiec'<tie, liuttering in
the blast, which he icgar.lod with a va;:uo
uncertain ti^ifor. and, whea In; ha<l seixed
theui,he laughed in hollosv, hysterical accents.
The smell of coffee was hevrd in the distance
as ho passed, and ever and anon, as the rest-
openel, men are hurrying home, their faces ' less 'Mrth raised itself in pr(ci))itoua terraces

as been ini^"! nd, "Mid they <lonot know there
prill be a moon ({uitc late in the morning. A
ruddj' irli>w of lirelight ;ind lamplight streams
)utiut«« the gathering darkuess when a door

iverted, and their bodies i)owed against the
lowling wind, or else scudding briskly bef e
t. The city was iiurrying home to enj

ii'istii.as Kve in the bossoiu of its sevi i
iniiMM. and to scold the children and pack
hem <>S to b'id, if they romped and inad<;
no luutrli noise. Everybody knows what
ity it was, so tli«re is no use w.isting time
escrilM'j^ it. ft w»h just the Haino old city,
lily they had 8t.reiix^heiied the little brick
ouse down i>el()w the corner where the

acksmith ii/"d. with ^ eoat i>f whitewash..
Iii.st the same "li oty.

.Vnd everyWoiv knows tiio hill ou the
treet, where it turns t ■ wind up th« bluff
>ud gu to the riuli folkd h xiset on top of uhe

before him, he lifted liis feet liigh in air and
witii lofty steps essayed to scale the treach-
e»()us miraue. He {jtiused in his circuitous
pro,'res8 t< shake hiids vith the last iriendly
lamp pint on that tliorou^lifarc, cxpresniag
his eonlideiice in that faithful municipal liglit-
houRH as a "goo' role feller,'" who was, under
■■i,ny and every possible eimiltinatioii of
dniumstances, "allri'." .\t times he felt
for his hat with both iiands, and having
secured a linn grip ujion its uncertain brim,
he re uoved it froi.i his liead with great i:au-
tion, and swinging it violently in the air,
proceeded with greai enthusiasm and hiiarti-
ness to "hurrah for" somebody, but in-
variably forgot wiio, when he came to the

A MODERN GOBLIN.

name, and contented himself with aaanring
himself that that was " all ri'," after which
with gravity he felt for his head, fcuiid it,
and with much deliberation got the hat up
on top of it, generally sidewayu or upside
down, and with great physical effort, crushed
and pulle t it on. At length, having' parted
company after affectionate and prolonged
adieu-, with the last friendly lamp-post, the
young gentleman loudly- announced that he
was a "total wr -hie! — e-eck" and pro
ceetled furthermore to declare that he would
not and could not b}' any means be induced
to seek the slielter of his mothers roof again
until siudin;.; morn shouM hail ami deck the
hills with gold, and ttie ro«y-Hngered hours
should huraUl tiie comin>,' of the god of day.
Ami singing this true Btiitenient in a rich
baritone, a kind of wlmeli^arrow tone, in
fact, possosHinu' niore volume an<l hoarse
whee/.ines-j than we could a uniie in Nilsson's
chest louf'S, he niaif a vigoroun i)ut in-
effectual effort to fall up the hdl, and angrily
ejaculatiug, "Ju know who yer pushin'? "
he sunt over the curbstone witn frenzied
gesturoH tliat Meeined to proceed at least from
ten p^iirsot legs, and disappoaied in the gloom
ol til'' gutter, where he lay, and whence his
stert-rous breathing startled the nervous
passers by.

Hail the fallen man ke]jt on the uneven
tenor of hi^ way a little tarther he would
have cucounteied a mysleiinus being that
woula liave "transformed his snores into
sounds lit deeper iutoaation. The street,
where it turned and led U|) the hdl, was not
a checMulOne. On tiie west si<le the bluff
rises aliriijiiiy as a wall, aod on the opposite
aide it siidvs away into a dark, gloomy ravine,
that i.as an uneiviiny li">k at the best of
times, ami the sidewalii i.s provided with a
wooden nviling, to keep eareleisa or belated
passengers from plunging down the hiil siilo.
A litui' Hiream winds along the rjiviue, en-
d«a\ i/uriu;'., in a despairing kind .)f way, to
find it- way to the -iver, which it never
dues, li starts, but from the time the citj'
wai: tirsL settled there has I yen no record
that the little stream ever got dear through;
nobiid\ kiiowc what lueomes of it, Miiei'e it
tfoes t<i; but certain ii is, that all trace of it
■B lost befiiiy It gets half May to any «here.
But we have naugnt ui do with tins forlorn
Bttle country lirook that conies purling
Hhroiigh ])Ieab<ant niea<iows, tiud bubbling
over while peiibles, and wrangling around
great bowider.s, to ^et bewilibred and lost in
the I ntaiigiing mazes of *.i/e diaiim and gut-
ters and sewets acid ctilverts of tlu; city.

treated on the railing of the sideMalk was
an apparition of far lesw cheerful nmn than
the gentleman who. when we left him, had
jntt wrapped the curbetones about him and

laid down to snore the Christmaa hours away.
This tigure wore a snow-white mantle, mnoh
too airy and summery for the season and very
decidedly out of stj le, which fell from his
angular shoulders in graceful folds, ■\ portion
of its light tissue being folded over his osseous
head after the most conventional style of his
class. As he swung his legs carelessly to
and fro, they struck the lower boanis of the
railing 'vith a strange rattling sound like
muffled castanets, and his manner of wiiistliug
" Down Among the Dead Men," under his
breath in that weird, ghostly place, with the
bluff rising black aud abrupt b^jfore him,
and the ravine lying deep in impene-
trable shadow behind him, had that awful
touch of the supernatural in it that would
make one's idood run cold to contemplate.
A ghostlier ghost never chose a ghostlier
time or place for his ghastly recreations.

He ceased bis hollow whistling aud stilled
his nervous legs as he heard approai ning
footsteps on the sidewalk, and drtinpeo from
his easy perch on the railing as a > "Ung
and a lovely maiden came toward him. toilu.,
up the slope down which the December ze-
phyr roared and swept into a fury that wouhl
make an Ulster overcoat feel sick. The young
man's arm was wound tenderly round his
companion's shrinking seal-skin elo d{, while
he h >arseiy whispered words into her ears,
which were rosy with the exl'ilaiating in-
tiuence of twenty-eight degrees below zero.
The ghost stepped in front of them.

" Exjuse my hoarseness," he said, with a
winning smile, that extended over the entire
width of his finely-chiselled face, "but I
had the vers disagreeable misfortune to havfl
my throat cut in this exceedingly romantic
spot about half a century since, and my
voice has since been affected to such an
ex "

The very wind paused in its noisy bluster
to listen to the wild shrieks that were jderc-
ing the darkness like acoustic arrows, and
the rapid patter of two jiairs oi Arctic over-
shoes that were jiouiiding the Imsom of the
frosty earth far down tlie bill, away from
the shadow of the bluff, away from tbedread-
tul blaikiiesK of the ravine, in the direction
of the gl< amiiig street lamps ot the city.

The ghost leaned upon the railing and
sighed as lie said:

" This was not the style ot re ponding to
an apology when 1 dwelt among nun. Per-
haps my voice, which I have not ui-ed before
for fifty years, has that in its uiouldy accents
which is disagreeable, startling, and possibly
repulsive, to moital ears, I will modulate
my intonation."

He paused to observe the figure of a portly
man, looming vaguely through the uiiiht,as,
with many aathmatio puffs, the well-led oiti*

hours away.
laiitle, mndi
son and very
fell from his
r's, s portion
ir his osseous
i Btyle of his
lareleaaly to
loards of thf
; sound like
of wiiistling
under his
.ee, with the
before him,
ill impene-
that awful
that would
[3(iuteinplate.
a ghostlier
3ati(>iia.
g iuid Mtilled
appioa. ning
niiipeii from

I >"Ullg

i hull, tdili..
>et;enil)er ze-
> tliat would

. riie young
y round his
clodi, while
to her ears,
iiivratinjif in-

litilow zero,
leni.

saiti. with a
'er the entire
face, "but 1
tune to have
;Jy romantic
iioe, and my
1 to such an

loisy bluster

I were ])ii!rc-
arrows, and
Arctic over-
Koni of the

away from
in t lie dread-
lie direction
[.he < ity.

ruiJing and

'pon<iinf( to
nun. Per-
used before
lult I y accents
iind piifisibly

II niiidulat*

e of a portly
he niKht,as,
Nr«ii-tiid oiti-

A MODERN GOBUN.

leD essayed to beat up the hill against the
wind.

"He looks," said the siieotre, musingly,
"very nu<!ii like an h"' cat old settler 1 used
toknow, w ho sold whi.skey to, and stole furs
from, the Indians, the year after I tiist came
to what is now this city."

The panting citizen came along side and
was pas-siiig by, when the ghost dropped his
bony hand noiselessly iu the hollow of his
arm.

"A thousand pardons, my dear sir," he
began. " Ijut I observe a most extraordinary
resemblance in "

"Oh-H-H-H-h Lord!"

And again the ghost was alone. As the
echoes of the excited and grossly misapplied
rem^irk of the citizen died away h\ the mock-
ing echoes of the dreary solitudes, the ghost
walked across the street and carefully exam-
ined the face of the bluff, in which direction
the portly mortal made his unceremonious
and abrupt exit.

•' No," the spectre remarked, after a criti-
cal inspection, "'it is very evident that he
did not plunge through the hill ; he certainly
ran over its smsiniit. The celerity with which
he accomplished this undertaking, at his
time of lite, and his condition of superfluous
flesh too, smacks almost as much of the
marvellous to me as I did to him. I would
be willing to bet my boots now," he added,
with a ghastly wink at his bare feet, " that
the I'ortly old party can't come here to-mor-
row noon and get over that hill inside of
tweuty-fiv( minutes."

" Passen^^er travel on this street,'* he con-
tinued lesunnng his station on the sidewalk,
"is livelier tlian it was in my time. As I
remember, i lie two gentlemen who perform-
ed the flnrgi<:al operation on my windpipe,
which lias ho disgreeably affected my voice,
had to wait here for me five houis in the
cheerless ij;l'i>m before my other business en-
i^agenients ji. rmitted me to come along and
make an involuntary and unwilling third in
thrir interesting little surprise party. And
I h on a stump near this very spot, and
wati lied my lifeless remains nearly two days
before tbf inroner foun<l them and gave them
the enstoiiiiiiy inquest with a fearlul and
womierfiil viirdiot. followed by (Jliristian
burial, ^'^'s, yen, the village has been proB-
perouH si'H'e then, and ntiw — but boft, a
young man a lover, too, or I'm no ghost. 1
will befriend him an<l he will love me. '

A iioodly \oung man he was indeed, as
ghost or viil would wish to nee. Torture
racked ins .-tnul wiicn, at every step his dain-
ty IhioUi. .1 r<i«eand a litdf too small, touched
MMfrrouni' And even the snowy expanse
flf bnen ruiU. w^iighted with moss-agate

R^ c buttons, faded to conceal the fact that

his flame-coloured kids would not button."
Though the piercing wipd chilled him to the
very marrow, his overcoat was opened and
thrown back from his throat to display the
blue necktie that giaced his paper collar.
The elaborate and iiainful costume betrayed
his errand. You might wring bergnmot out
cf the air when he passed along, and there
wis jockey club on his handkerchief, and
his breath smelled a little of sozodont:, some
of trix, and a gteat <leal of something else.
The ghost lookeil after him, as he passed by,
with as much friendly admiring interest as
he could throw into Ids rather ojien cou.ite-
nauce, and then gathering his robe about
him followed swiftly and silently at the
limping heels of the nice young man, who
toiled painfully but patiently and exquisite-
ly properly up the hill until he reached the
summit of the grade, and pausing before a
mansion of pretentious appearance, proceed-
ed to investigate the ever changing myster-
ies of the front gate.

Properly constructed, the front gate is
more fearfully and wonderfully niait than
the architect who desig)..s or the cat j inter
who builds it. No otln r crcateil or manu-
factured thing in the whole wide universe
can equal or rival it for original jiervtrsity
and malignant obstinacy. A patient man,
whose soul is melting within him from
chronic and exaggerated meekness, will fall
from grace and relieve his tortured soul iu a
bijirst of giant powder profanity after fifteen
minutes' struggle with a front gate, and then
he will shower a tempest of abuse n])on the
unknown man who contrived such a diaboli-
cal and outrageous gate, and ho will cease
to struggle with it and will climb over the
fence and disintegrate his raiment on the
pickets, and abrade his cuticle all the way
down his back as he slides off, and then his
soul will be tossed into a very sirocco of
passion and mortification when he sees the
dog of the mansion come trotting along and
open the gate with a simiile push of his nose.
Or a woman, fuilof a woman's love aud
yearning tenderness, will take ludd of a gate
and tug at it, and pull ami haul and jerk
until she nearly drags the solid pustsup by
the roots, and when all the blood in lur sys-
tem is boiling in the top of her head, iind her
eyes are starting from tlieir sockets, and she
dissolves in tears of uttar.abject wretcbeilness
aud rage because she is debarred by viitue
of her sex from the ecstatic piivilege of
swearing at Ihe gate and the pirate who
made it, a grinning Ii<iy will ojien the
barrier l)y merely pulling it the oth-
er way. .Men with real livinur ideas,
and lofty aspirations, and soaring ambitious,
and gr&nd, iiliniitnhlc thoughts, swelling and
groaning aud throbbing in heart and brain.

A MODERN GOBLIN.

have stood before an orthodox front gate and
manipulated its fastenings, moving that
piece this way and this one that, and all of
Uiem the other, until the pot-metal securities
have assumed the vexed and perplexing
varieties and dimension of a Chinese puzzle,
with the delirium tremens or a Centennial
election table. And then, when at last wi'ih
A despairing groan he lets go of it, and raises
hia hands to heaven to call down its righteous
judgment upon the unregenerate mocker who
made that gate, it slowly swings open by its
own weight, and the diBtressed Christian dis-
covers to his unspeakable amazement that he
has had it open twenty times within the last
fifteen minutes. And all these troubles are
magnified after night. Hook and staple con-
nect the swinging gate and the immovable
Eost where hook and staple there were none
efore. The most trilling and ordinary bolt
has a way of acquiring a double action after
dark, so tliat whatever is loosed at one end
is immediately fastened nu as tight as a can-
didate at the other. ^Sails, too, appear,
driven in the post immediately above the
latuh, and tinally, when all other ties are
sundered, lo, a strap hugs the whole struc-
ture in its binding embrace. It is a work of
ten minutes to tiud the buckle, ain' when
found it is a knot, tie<l when the strap M'as
wet, and now firmer in its clinging folds and
more intricate in its appalling entanglements
than the famous knot which Gordius of
Phrygia tied in his chariot harness, a knot
which batUed even the sublimest efforts of
the Chicago divorce lawyers. Even the
siniplest form of a gate latch known to man,
composed cf a round hole in a post into
which a stick is thrust athwart the gate, is
a snare, a vanity, a vexation of the spirit and
a mortification of the flesh ; for no livinK
man opened a strange gate of this ^enus ihat
the stick did not come out'with a jerk, rasp-
ing the abraded knuckles along the ruae
edges of the pickets.

VVitli a gate which priesented, or rather
concealed, and successfully developed, like
masked l)atterics, all the modern combina-
tions (if baffling elements and inventions, the
young man has this time been expostulating.
A good young man, fur while he has been
labnuriiig with that remorHeless gate with all
the inlonsity of purpose and earnestness that
iires till blood ul youth, he has only relieved
his iniixitient swelling' soul by saying from
time to time that "he would be dad binged,"
once oi twice varying the tense us the future
•uddeidy seemed to break upon him with all
the fulness of time, to declare that he idum
"da<l )iinG;ed," and several times, as though
constiouH of some degree of uncertainty at-
tending the whole matter, devoutly hoping
that, at some indefinite time in the va^ue

hereafter, he might be " dad hinged." One*
he passed suddenly to the imperative and
paaaive, appealing to some unknown quantity
to "dad bing the dad binged old gate,"
a confusion of mood, tense and voice that
was absurd, and even the ghost, which stood
in the porch of the mansion watching hii
movements with an all-absorbed interest
which visitors from another world display
in terrestrial matters, shook his head gravely,
as if doubting the advisability of a neediest
waste of power in dad hinging that which waa
already declared dad binged. fiut the
ghastly visage relaxed in a grim smile, as
with one last tremendous effort, the adoles-
cent raised the barrier from its fastenings,
hinges and all, and fell forward to the gravel
walk with the fiendish gate clasped in his
arms, reaching the ground in a rattling
chorus which roused all the dogs this side of
the moon.

Disengaginghimself from thechaos into which
the gate hadfallen,the yonng man reached the
porch with a halting step, and as he stood
near the door, brushing gravel off his clothei
with his tattered kids, the ghost gathered hil
bustle and train about nim, slid deftly
through the key hole, and flattened himself
out against the door on the inside. The
tinkle of the bell had scarcely sounded in the
hall when a light footstep was beard in echo
to its olamour, and a beautiful young girl
hastened to the door. She opened it, but
the ghost stepped before her and faced the
smiling, blushing, bowing younu man, threw
his gaunt arms around his neck, and in a
hollow whisper began,

"Darlmg! I have watched so off
for "

A terrific yell rang through the corri i
like almost any other yell would ring un^ 'r
similar circumstances. A rush of hasty . . jt
along the gravel walk, a stumble, u crash and
a dismal howl at the sight of the fallen gate;
then the dying echoes of feet, pattering foot-
steps in the distance, and then nilcnce, dia-
Eossessed of her curtainerl throne for on*
rief moment, resumed her noiseless reign,
and th" smiling ghost, after a vain eflort to
dig himself in the ribs, chuckled with dismal
joHity and hid his shadowy form in the re-
cesses of the porch.

The young girl stood spell-bound, crazing
out in the direction of her vanished lover,
and shaking her lovely head in mute, aston-
ished negations, in re^ptaise to the hurried
and excited enquiries of the family, who
came swarming into the hall in all possible
stages and degrees of amazement and terror,
propounding with great volubility all th«
connndrums which wouM naturally suggest
themselves in consequence of such an astound -

>ged." One*
perative and
own quantity
d old gate,"
id voice that

which stood
watching hia
bed interest
vorld display
lead gravely,
if a needless
at which was
But the
rim smile, as

the adoles-

;s fastenings,

to the gravel

.asped in his

a i-attlin£

this side of

OS into which
t reached the
na he stood
ff his clothes
gathered hii

slid deftly
ned himseu
iisiiJe. The
iiided in the
eard in echo

young girl
ned it, but
d faced the
man, threw
, and in a

A MODERN" GOiBtlN.

lie corri v
ring un' >r
f hasty , . jt
a viom and
fallen gate ;
Lteringfoot-
silence, dis-
ne for on*
lelens reign,
in ellbrt to
ivith dismal
in the re-

ind, Grazing
ihed lover,
lute, aston-
he hurried
"lily, who
II possible
»nd terror,
fy all th«
lly suggest
11 astound-

ing and unheralded and unprovoked outburst
of human voice.

"I cannot imagine what did ail him," she
said at length, when her stern father, in mild
reproof, had laid his heavy hand upon her
rounded shonlder, and oscillated her lithe
form to and fro until her back hair was in her
hands, and the floor was strewn with hair-

fiins and samples of curls, thick as autumnal
eaves and one thing and another strew the
brooks in Vallambroaaand vicinity. "I open-
ed the door, and before I could say ' Good
evening,' he opened his mouth to its fullest
extent, and with a look of horror, fled from
my presence, leaviiig no token save an
amount of noise altogether incommensurate
with his size. I can't imagine what he could
have seen to affect him so. I was afraid at
first that I hadn't rubbed the ])earl powder
out of my eyebrov 3, but I had. "

Eveiy member of the convention offered
a suggestion or an explanation of the myster-
ious affair, hut they were all overruled by
paterfamilias, who, venturing the grnff opin-
ion that the yount; mau/was in tb^ habit of
placinghimself exterior to sundry and various
decoctions dispensed at tl'.ose retail drug
stores which are, by laW; closed on Sundays,
and had merely incurred that peculiar foim of
mental distemper in which the patient keeps
a private menagerie on exhibition in his boots,
drove his wondering family back to the par-
lour.

But youth is buoyant. Its sonows are
transient and its tears are April rain, flecked
with sunshine even while they fall ; its fears
are short lived as its sorrows, and die away
when the thought or scene that uave them
birth is gone. So he who flew from the hid-
eous shadow tnat had veiled the fairy flgure
of his love from his fond gaze, blushed in the
darkness at Ids nervous fancy, and . earrang-
ed his wardrobe, retraced his steps with more
of that native grace and innate dignity pe-
culiar to the young man of the nineteenth
century, than he had displayed while making
his presftncc seldom. Again he passed the
wreck of the demolishc<l gate, and once more
he rang the hell, and listened for the echo-
ing fooif.ill. wliile the attentive spectre came
and stood doiunrely at his elbow.

" You horrid boy," murmured a sweet
voice through the keyhole, " I have a great
mind not to let you in. What made you act
so perfectly ridiculous ?"

"Dearest," the young man said, "it wan
a fool'sh, Imrriblo fancy ; 1 will never
frighten you again. "

"Tt was perfectly dreadful," she replied,
"horribly, (IreadfuUy awful. How could
you be so horribly dreadful ? But you may
come in this time "

And with coquettish deliberation she

opened the door, to see the ghost, bending
his smiling gaze upon her colourless face and
staring eyes.

"Thank you," he said, in hollow tones,
"since you insist upon it, I will come "

" Oo-oo-ee E E-E-E !"

And thump ! She dropped to the floor
with a velocity and abruptness, tl<at even
astonished her ghost. Dumb with amaze-
. nient, her lover stood gazing at her form,
lying prone upon the new hall carpet, emit-
ting a seiies of longdrawn shrieks. He re-
coiled as again the members of the family
came pouring and buzzing out of their
rooms, like hornets from their domicile on a
swaying apple tree bough, jarred rudely by
the unconscious granger's towering head.
The angry father caught a glimpse of the
trembling, half-stupeHed, and tnoroughly
mystified youth, standing near the door- way,
appealingly and timorously offering his ex-
planations. The parent, with a f^w hurried
words, disappeared up stairs. Quickly he
returned, bearing in his hands a ponderotia
shot-gun, at the sight of which the young
man, witho.it pausing to explain, tied quite
as precipitately, and with as little ceremony
as he had sauntered away from the embrace
of the ghost.

"Because," he remarked to the wind,
which was vainly trying to keep pace with
his flying movements as he cleat ed the fallen
gate with a hound, and waltzed airily down
the road, ns though tight boots were « vision
and an unreal dream, "because the old man
appears to be a trifle impatient to niglit, and
I would not cross him in his sadiler moods.
He might do that to-night for which to-
morrow I mi«ht monrn."

And deftly passing from twelve to flfteen
linear feet of solid earth heneatn each foot, ott
as he raised it from the ground, with swift
evasion he transferred himself to healthier
climes and more congenial scenes.

The indignant father, meanwhile, had
ste]>ped out on the porch, and holding his
warlike weapon a-port, peered anjfrily into
gloom for a glimpse of the Hying fi,ure, whose
(listant, echoing footsteps he could laintly
hear.

" Thou art so dear," he said, " and yet so
far."

To him the silent ghost a(>proached.
Standing by his unconscious side, the spectre
leaned his bony etbow on lii" mortal
shoulder, resting his. hollow cheek upon his
attenuated hand. Then, with a graceful
motion and an easy gesture, of winch a bal-
let dancer mii^ht be proud, he ilrew aside the
lower portion of his drapery, disclosing to
view a pair of cmaciateii shins ot which a
brtllefc dancer would most certainly be
ashamed. Crossing one of these specimens

A MODERN GOBUN

of anatomical curiosities iu front of the j and settlu thia vexed question by consulting
other, he rested the bended limb upon the the piflr glass."

toes, and stood thus for a moment, in that I With that graceful, easy manner which is
elegant and charming pose so much affected | characteristic of a well-bred ghost, he slid
by our best, young men at the opera and 1 through the keyhole, and a moment later,
theatre, who place themselves on exhibition ] stood singeing his bloodless shins before the
for tlie untaught multitude upon every pos- ; blazing grate, while ho made a ciitical in-

sib) c occasion

For a few " brief moments he stood
thus, wrapped in admiration ot his retinci!
and elegant appearance, then drovpiog his
face and turning it until his breath, if he
had any, would have swept the cheeks oi his
unconscious companion, he said : —

" Let me entreat you. dear sir, to do ;
nothing rash. Let me implore you to put i
by your murderous weap " i

Bang ! bang ! Two loads of death-dealing
bucksliot perforated the roof of the poroii, '
an<l the howl of «n elderly voice mingloi i
with the crashing, discordant echoes that ro>-e |
clattering through the darkness. The siani i
of a door, and thern-li and .scramble of many
feet succeei led, foll'iwcd Ity tin- iJangiiut ' i ,
locks ami bolts ; tii.> subducil hubbni> ti
many voices coulu he heard, detailiu / in i
many exagyerateii piuascsj, extravagant ii:»r i
ratives, and with :; smile of grim ainusiniunt [
playing across hi vprcssive fcaturts, iil;e a
telegraphic lino tioia one ear to the other, ^
the spectre learned, as he listened at the key-
hole, that while the master of the iumse had i
been standing on the porch, a pale Idue light ,
suddenly clove the night, accompanied by a i
sulphurous smell, in tiie midst of which ap-
peared, rising out of the ground, a colossal
body with Kve heads, and with hideous
gashes yawning in its throats, from which
the welling blood ilowed down, and splotjhed
and streaked the long M'hite robe with horri-
ble carmine stains. Its many eyes,, the
patrician said, glared like burning coalK, and
its hair twined and wreathed itself in fantas-
tic shajies, like living serpents.

The sf)entre assumed a thoughtful look as
he listened to these terrible revelations.

'' It is barely possible," he said, " that I
am a ranligned apparition. From his vivid
powers of imagination, niul a slight tendencj'
to fsxuijgoratt'd word ciiloiiring m narration,
ono would take this iMcrly party for one of

.spection of his visage in the mirror. After
studying the picture for some moments in
silence, he sttokcil hi(! chin with a com-
placent air while a sniiik of self-satisfaction
playe<; over his features.

"Any mortal," he murmnicd, "who
would tlee in terror from such a-face as that;
any man who could dctact any thing like an
unearthly f;lare in those hollow eyes ; any
creature who can find it in his heart to an-
nounce the discovery of hair on that head, or
find a trace of blond about that Hunre, from
tl\roat to heels, is a lunatic, and should be
looked after. Be looked after." he added,
in an absent way, "Looked after. Looked
after."

" And," he continued, affcr a few moments'
dciilieraticn, "I should like > be appointed
to look after him. He wc .d then have a
mr)re faithful consctvator tlian w.-is ever ap-
pointed by a county court. I wuld interest
and .imuse him, and strive to divert his
nund from the tioubles wliicli appear to have
so disordered his imagination ami ilittorted
his vision and faculties of observation. I
would keep him in a state of constant mental
activity. I would help him around, and I
would niake myself useful to his family in a
variety of ways. For instance, 1 wtmld make
this old gentleman so distrustful of tiiat long
walk up the hill after daik that he never
would stay down town late at night, and
could not be induced to attend lodge, or
'just step down to the post effice ' after
supper. I would imbue his very nature with
such an utter abhorrence 'or dark places
that he would never kiss the hired girl
behind the cellar door. Never again ; ne-ver,
never. I would reform this man, add make
this family happy, and this houvse should
! resound with manifestations cf excitement
I and exclamations of astonishment, and indi-
j cations of vet y dubious merriment, as it were.
I I see niU' h good in this virtu<m.s and happy
project, and I will cultivate the acquaintance

the L'itted prevaiicatoi.-i who deal in pf)litical of this excellent la<ly of tlie Tuansion, con-
projijie'ios in tl;c [•!■ -idential ycvr. I may j vince her tif the necessity of a ju-otector tor
not ho a very liandsomo gh'ist, but I do m. st j herself and her family, and carry my plans

prnfonudlv believe that thi^ portly Ananias
who, 1 Pi'c, is jii.'t now leaving the room to
learn how his daughter is coming on, has
nu>Kt foull\ traduced my personal appear-
ance. An<l while there is no one in this
apartment save that conifortablelooking «.ld
lady, who has been terrified and mystified
into umtionless silence, I ^viH quietly step in

1 have a conviction that
most itomfoitalde iiuuse to

into oj eiation
this Would bf; n
haunt."

He stepped to the side of the matron, and
laying bis icy Hngers against her cheek to
arouse ber attention, and holding his throat
with the other hand to prevent his voio*
escaping prematurely at the aperture which

by consulting

anner which is

yhu8t, he slid

moment later,

bins before the

e a critical in-

mirror. After

lie moments in

uitli a com-

Ii -satisfaction

mii;cJ, "who
a 'face as that;
■ thing like an
low eyea ; any
lis heart to an-
)ii that head, or
at Hiiure, from
and siiould be
er." he added,
aft( r. Looked

a few momentH'
' be appointed
id tiien have a
n wiiH ever ap-
W'uM mtercBt
to divert hi«
I aj>fiear to have
1 and dii-torted
»bservation. I
-•onstant mental
arouid, and T
his family in a
S I would make
;tul of that long
tliat he never
a I ni^dit, and
ttui.d lodge, or
i8t . tfice' after
sry nature with
or dark places
the hired girl
' again ; ne-ver,
man, add rnak*
house should
of excitement
nent, and indi-
lent, as it were.
10U.S and happy
e arqnaintauce
mansion, con-
a jiroteetor ffir
•arry my plan*
'n viol ion that
table Jiouse to

ic matron, and
t her cheek'to
ling his throat
'ent his voio*
perture which

A^ MODERN GOBLIN.

has been previously referred to, said, in a <
loader voice : |

" Yuu will pardon the abrnptiicas of my !
speech, my <lear madam, but I deem it my j
duty to inform you that it is my firm belief |
this part of the town is haunted. Yes, Ma'am, i
haunted. I shouldn't In; surprise*!, indeed,
if there was a ^^liost somewhere in this house !
this very miimte. In fii<t 1 have every
reason for beliaviuy " ,

Tims far ids auditor had preserved such a !
respectful wileiice that the speaker believed j
she was listening,' with rapt attention, and Tie I
fondly hojjod that he ha,d at last found a |
friendly, appreciative <;ossii> who woidd not i
interrnot his remarks with ill-timeil applause ]
before he was half through. Looking iit her ;
face, however, at this moment, the expression I
of her court tenance was such as chilled him I
with disappointment. She was not splitting
the night air with blood-curdling, discoidant
shrieks, it is true, but it evidently wasn't
her fault. Her eyes had left their sockets
and were standing out on her cheek-bones
with nothing particular to do except to stare
at each other across the top of her nose, each
with an exinession of blank .unazement at
seeing the other there. Her mouth was al-
ternately elosiug with sudden jerks and
dis'endin'^ with spasmodic gasps ; noiseless,
but all the more provoking on that very
account. She a]>pcared to be making strenu-
ous efforts to rise, but as every attempt to
assume an erect posture brought her closer
to the ghost, she sank back helplessly in her
chair after every effort, and resumed her
dreadful staring and noiseless gasping.

"You had better scream, madame," said
the disyiistfd ghost. " Pray, <lo not restrain
yourself on my account. It is really painful
for me to witness your suffering. If my
presence here is distasteful to you, pray have
the goodness to intimate the fact in the
abrupt and startling manner so much nfi'eeted
by this family. You \f&d better express your
emotions, if you have any. If you have
through any little passing thrill of excite-
ment, temporarily lost the use of your voice,
and find .«ome difficulty in recovering it,
perha]ia 1 can assist you."

With a horrible leer he withdrew the
drapery trom his neck, and leaning back his
head disclosed the gaping incision in bis
respiratory and swal'owing apparatus which
had oonipolled him to go into the ghost busi-
nesd. As le had shrewdly conjectured, that
startling display developed the tuli action of
the old lady s dormant vocal pow ers, and. for
the next live minutes. Bedlam was a
quiet, seijuesteied cloister in compari-
son with that house. For an instant
the author of all the uproar paused to
smile at the vociferous woman screaming

till the chandelier ticmbled, and pounding
a vigorous tattoo on the floor with her aged
heels, and then he left the house, merely
stopping as he went to look in on the kit* *
(■hen, and by one j'euial wink at tlie servants
establish a first-class opera chorus in that
department of the household.

He then passed out into the chill air, .luJ
gliding slowly along the gravel Widk, paused
to ciintemplate the ruins of tlie front irate
and speculate on the whereabouts of the
l:aiidsonie youth who had so lately enacted
the part of a modern Samson, and had torn
ilown the gates to (taza little on tlie hived face
which parental tyranny would thereafter
conceal from his ardent gaze forever.

"It is ever thus," moralized the ghost ;
"at once the mightiest and the weakest
being in created life, (iod's no'de.'-t work is
the toy of bo.liless phantoms. We tear down
and we build up: we purpose and we pre-
vent; we do and we undo; we ovet come every
real difficulty, and surmount every actual
obstacle, a (1 at Ixst, when onr ol.ject is all
but accomplished- lo. a shadow f< riities us,
and the courage and labour of an hour, a
year, or a lifetime, :i.i-e aWept into ruins.
At least, /'•' used to do tbu.-<. I have left
the tirin, but tlm surviving paitnt is carry on
I the busine:-s of liic in pretty miich the same
i old style. The world invents a great deal,
i but it doesn't improve very much. It is the
I same old world after all. It has the loco-
; motive and the telegraph, true; but the men
i who invented the locomotive and the tele-
j grafih loved, feared, hoped and lived pretty
I much as Oa^sar's courtiers ami Dfdot sailors
I used to. Meu declaim against the remotest
' possibility of the spirits of the dead revisit-
' ing the glimpses of the moon, and yet my
' presence affects in the "ame un])Ieasant and
turbulent manner alike the most sceptical
and the nutst credulous and superstitious.
1 believe, siieakiiig of spirits, I will go down
town to a certiiin house I wot o», where
I parties ot my friends, the. Spiritualiits, hold
frequent seances, at which they co i verse
I familiarly, though ungraniniaticall.v. with the
' spirits of their own deceased friends, and of
the illustrious (\cA\i\. They will be triad to
.see me, J know, beciuse 1 am intimately
acijuainted with some of the part is whom
they occasionally si'minon bs'^k to i artii, and
they will be glad, too, becau.*e I cm eoirect
sonic of the erroneous iifeas thiy entertain
in regard to the |iri:sent condition of some
of these spirits wli>> are con.stiuitly writina
\ back, in such eNcciaide Kiiglisli as would
make a cultured, intelligent glio.st blush,
how happy they are, .ind h«iw glad they are
that they died, and how much they know.
I «m as contented a ghost as one can find
under the republic, and I never was glad

A MODERN OOBLtN.

Hbtit T »lic(l, and I nerer write to niiy of my
relativuH, and m-ver viait any of them,' ex-
cept," he a<lded thoughtfully, "my dear
haunt." Aud he chnckled grimly over his
ghastly little joke.

lu another moment he was seated com-
fortably beneath a table which vr&s sur-
rounded by a party of seekers after truth,
who were patiently sittint; up for the latest
returns from the spirit world. The ghost
was much touched by the anxiety displayed
by a youn<4 man in very long hair and green
sptctacles to hear from his departed uncle.
The spirit miuls were snowed in, or inter-
cepted by guerrillas, or held for postage, or
suffering from some other cause ot detention
that Oiiristmas Eve ; for it seemed as though
the ycmnt; man never would receis'e so much
as a postal card from his deceased relative.
The ghost pitied him, and ju.st as
the meilium, a beautiful young girl of
forty nine summers, was passing into another
trance, he crawled out from under the table
»n<l bowed pleasantly to the anxious in-
quirer.

" I think I can allay any anxiety you may
feel on account* of the departure of your
a/uiicuhir relative," he said ; "I have inet
him !-everal times, and, although the peculiar
an<i prt^ssing nature of his engagenitnts elsti-
whete prevtfuted his attending in person so-
cial assemblies on this side of the ground, he
is-r— "

He ceased speaking at this point, for his
voice had long been drowned in the uproar
of shrieks, and breaking furniture, and
crashing glass, as the seance broke up alone
with tile tiibltts and chairs, and the anxious
searchers after truth emerged into the night
with window sashes hanging round their
necks. Foreseeing that there would be
trouble if he ilid not emigrate in order to per-
mit the wanderers to return and resurrect
the overturned stove, the messenner from
the rpidm of shadows departed and once
more resumed his station on the hill. And
agam he whistled " Down Among the Dead
Men" through his teeth, while he smiled
pensively and communed with his own plea-
sant thou^(hts.

*• It s just as I said," he mused ; " had I
beeji that young man's uncle, whom he so
earnestly desired to see, his terror would
have been just as great. They rap and call
for us, thay implore us to come, ajid when
we come they go. And they go very ab-
ruptly. Some of those people to night got
out of that room by edging through fissures
that Mould squeeze the very breath out of
the I ■tuHist gliost I ever saw. Believer or
sceptic, it makes no difference. Saul was
not iMore terrified at Samuel's ghost, which
he was so anxious to see, than was th«i witch

who accidentally raised the apparition. But
these broken, interrupted intei views with
terrified mortals are growing monotonous. I
will stay out all night, because it is Christ-
ma<) Eve and my night out, but 1 will spend
the remaining hours in meditation, and let
the wicked old world sleep in peace, jnless,
mayhap, some belated wafarer should stray
this way, when I will revenge myself upon
him for the shabby treatment I have received
at mortal hands to-night. I will frighten
him so th,^.the will not be through screaming
when I come here again next Christmas Eve.
I have tried to be agreeable to cveryliody to-
night, but everybody has refused to be soci-
aVde, and has repulsed my couiteous advan-
ces with the most hideous shrieks and up-
roar. And to the next hapless moital wno
shall cross my haunt I will be terrible."

He ceased speaking, and knotted his face
with a series of horrible contortions and hi-
deous grimaces, which he practised until he
acquired one which appeared to satisfy his
fastidious taste. This one he exercised se-
veral times in ordei to fix it Hrmly in his me-
mory, and then, folding his arms, he leaned
against the railing j<nd gloomily waited for a
eu'jtomer, as ill-natured and unhappy a ghost
as couM be found in all the haunts of men or
spectres.

Hifighostship did not have long to wait
for a^ubject, standinc; there in the gloomy
street, with the cold, flittering stars occas-
ionally peeping timidly through the rifted
clouds sailing overhead. Before long a heavy
fo(rtfall was heard use .tnding the lower part
of the hill, and then, ;vs it came nearer, the
dismal one could hear the frosty earth creak-
ing under the passenjror's feet at every step
he took. A voice, v.hich was marked by
that peculiar intonation which we so fre-
quently notice in clos<! proximity to a a pick
or a hod, uttered, in sentences so
profusely vaccinated with trilled r's
that it sounded liko a high school
commencement, a wrathful objurgation
upon the wind, as the winter zc(^!iyr well
nigh lifted the speaker from his fett.

" Growl about that, will you? " muttered
the ghost, with savage gleef'ulnuss, "I'll
make you wish the wind had blown you into
the moon before you get to the top of the
hill. I wish he would walk more slowly,"
the spectre went on, rubbing his fleshless
hands in delighted anticipation ; "1 should
like to have a few moments' quiet enjoyment
in contemplating the possible and probable
actions of the woi-st frightened man in Amer-
ica. I have been accused of frightening peo-
ple before now, but these vile slanders against
my considerate and pacific disposition and
my reassuriiig physiognomy will all be re-
tracted and atoned for after to-night. After

ritioD. Bat
views with
lotonous. I
i ia Chriat-
will opend
on, anii let
eacG, jnleSB,
hould stray
nysfclf upon
ive received
vill frighten
h ucrcamiug
istmas Eve.
eryliody to-
i to be sooi-
eous advac-
is and up-
noital who
irrible."
ted his face
0113 and hi-
>bd until he
satisfy his
xercised se-
y in his me-
he leaned
waited for*
I'Py a ghost
ts of men or

ong to wait
the gloomy
stars occas-

the rifted
ong a heavy

lower part
nearer, the
larth creak-
every step
marked by
we so fre-
to a a pick
tences so
nlled r's
;h school
)hjurgation
\>UyT well
tt.

muttered
ic-as, "I'U
II you into
op uf the
3 slowly,"
s flesh less
"I should
mjoyment

probable

in Anier-
sning pee-
rs against
ition and
.11 be r«*
t. After

-,)

A MODERN GOBLIN.

this man's evidence no man, uo living mortal
will dare stand up and say that any one was)
ever frightened to this date. Why, there
won't be as much hair left on this individ-
ual's head, in about three minutes, as would
nake me a switch. All the doctors in
America won't 1)e able to get his eyes back
into their pr«»per places. He will howl and
yell and shriek and pra^ to the day of his
death. Scared ? It isn't the word. It's
too weak. Whistle will you ? " he continued,
apostrophizing the approaching figure, " I'll
make you wish you had a French horn fifteen
feet long, with all the keys opened and the
mouth-piece cracked, to express your feelings
through. Why," he said, arranging his robe
and twisting his face into such a blood curd-
ling awful contortion that it raised a blister
on the frozen ground and the very wind
turned and blew up the hill for dear life ;
" why, my unsuspicious repulilicaa, you'll be
the worst demoralized community in about
tifteen seconds that ever disturbed the holy
quiet of midnight."

Stretching out his gaunt arm in a weird,
ghostly ghesture, the white drapery falling
away from it in conventional folds, the spec-
tre stepped out to the middle of the side-
walk to confront the coming man. Aman of
medium size, the new-comer, with bluff,
square shoulders, twinkling eyes, a nose that
had been made a remnant so that the untin-
ished end retreated towards the eyes, a
mouth puckered up in a melodious whistle,
the head covered with an abundance of close-
ly-ont hair of the shade of St. Louis pressed
brick ; a ragged coat was buttoned close and
the wearer carried under his arm a walking-
stick of most Iwnevolent aspect, the bulge
on the end of wnich reminded one of an in-
vitation to join an innumernbie caravan.
tfis whistle ceased as the ghost loomed up
before him, not suddenly cutting oft" his tune
in the middle of the note, but in along-drawn
diminuendo passage, commonly expressive of
inexpressible Hstonishment.

The ghost slowly and impressively waved
his extended arm in the direction of the
gloomy ravine. The mortal shuffle.! uneasily
toward the middle of the street in an effort
to get round the unpleasant obstruction. The
spectre noiselessly glided before him and
still confronted him with outstretched arm
and hideous oountenanre, and both figures
reganled each other in silence. The mortal
was the first to open the conversation, who
after muttering under his breath, "The
saints betune us and har-rum, an' phwat is
he makin' thim faces at me for ?" remarked
in a brisk tone :

" Cool aveiiin* ! "

Motioidcss as a statue, the ghastly Hgiirc

glowered upon him in its frozen attitude and
tierrifying gesture.

"Is it Tim Moriarity, as died the year be-
fore I kim' over, I don't know ?"

No reply and no change of posture on the
part of the ppectre.

"Is it theFeenicks boys ye are thin, as
kilt aich other the night ov the ball at the
creek three years ago come next Sept(!mber
an' jist two months lackin' six weeks after
O'Flaherty's sisther dhrove the cow off the
waggon bridge?"

Still the spectre maintained its silence and
its position.

" Ye've a mighty familiar countenince,
onyhow," continued the mortal, who kept up
his cautious manouuvering for the weather
gauge, in which he was steadily bs filed by
the ghost. " It seems to me I ve keen the
face av yez somewhare on a tombstone. Yer
not livin' fur around here, mebbe ?"

In hollow tones the ghost replied, "I am
dead."

"Did, is it? Oh, the saints rist yer rist-
less sowl. An' phwat are ye doin' out here ?
Whaire do ye live — I mane, whaire are ye
buried?"

" At the top of this hill," came in the same
hollow tones.

"An' a mighty agreeable place that same
is, to be sure," replied the mortal, in a con-
ciliatory intonation, "shlapin' undher the
grass wid the cows and pigs browsiu' and
rootin' around all day long an' kapen' ye
company nights. Born divil that ye air,"
he added, in a lower tone, "I wisht wan or
the other of us wur thayre now, fur it's a
onpleasant company ye air, anyhow. Well,"
he added, aloud and with great cheer-
fulness, " good night till ye. Be good to y(-r-
self."

"Stay," uttered the terrible monotone;
" come thou with me."

"Oh-h, the dev — I beg yer par-r-don. I
mane I can't think of it. Luk at the time
it is, an' see the murdherin' cowM I have in
me head already, along uv bein' out till mid-
night. The wife and childher '11 be
did intirely wid sittin' up fur me,

an' "

" Follow me !" said the hollow tones of the
ghost.

" Oh-h, tundher an' turf — I mane— I beg
yer par-r-don, don't shpake of it ; it's a
married nian I am. I can't sthay ; besides,
there's no use — ivery place in town is shut
up, and sorra the wan ov ine dhnnks av they
wasn't. I wouldn t taste a dhrop av I lived
in lashins ov it ; I'm a whole Fatner Mathew
society by myself."

" Come ! Come ! ! Come ! ! !" The sepul-
chral tones boomed out like a bass drum
solo.

7«

A MODERN GOBlIN.

"Aw-w-w ! Millia murther! Go aisy !
now ! Phwat du ye mane, divilin' the tin ;
linses out of me to come, whin ye sec T want
touiiV By the mortial gob," he added,
uiitTer iiis l)reath, ''av I thoueht I cud find
an> thill;,' ill y«r head to feel it, avick, I'd
make ye raisoiiahle wid a welt ov this \
splinther av a sthiok. ^^ liist ! yn hlooily
miiide'l villiii !" he roared, with sjiddenly in-
crea-^ii'L,' r.mraijf', as some wakeful Brahma in i
a nt igli'Hiuriiig oooji startled the night with a j
Bteiitori.in orow, which was slirilly echoed by
a baiitairj and a dozen or more ol'scnre roost-
ers of no oarticular strain, like the birds that
crow at election times, " Do ye hear that?
An' that ? An' that agin ? An' the wan
aftht^r tliat ? Scat! ye bloody minded
Banshee, or we'll crow the rags aff o' yer beg-
garly l)ack !"

The ghost gave a hollow langh, that
soundoil like water pouring out of a

"Vou may crow," he said, more in his
easy converbational style and tone than he
liadb< ! using, "till you split your throats;
tbi* is ati •inniv'rs.ary night with me, and I
Woii't ^t) liome till morning.''

Hia uneasy companion's face fell at this
anno uKi. inent, and he looked like a man who
felt that h^- had prematurely committed him-
self. But he rallied again.

"A anniver 'iry, is it? Do ye have it
often?"

" About rtm .1 j> ar. "

"Is that all?"' An' just think ov yer
makiu' so m-ich fuss .about that ! Kape on
yer hat, or what iv< r ye call it, or yel" have
a cowld iu the head. Good evenin'. a^in. "

The ghost mildly protested against his
haste. It was Christmas Kve, he said, a
season devoted to ao.'iability andgooil fellow
ship

"An' a fom eidee ye have of bein' sociable,
to<)," interrupted his auditor ; "Christmas is
a nice enough saison, but a frayi- in' hillside
at mid.'iiL'ht, wid the wind blowin' jimmycane
an' the thermometer twinty-sivin degrays
fcrniiist Cairo, isn't the way I'm thii.kin' to'
be socia'ole about it, jist." !

"I am delighted to have met vou under'

smh "

, "Faix. thin, thayre's only wan of us that s
feeling "o delighted about it."

" Favourable and pleasantcircumstan- !
CCS. I ^<hciuld never have f«)rgiven myseif I
had I permitted you to pass by without!
sjteakiii!,'. I must msiat "

"Bi^u'nrra, thin, it's too har-r-d ye wad be
on ycrsi'r intirol\ . It's me that wad give
me.-JiU" .il'S(iinti<in tin- a week if I had gone
aroun-l the othi i way an' never heard ov ye
in me life."

• • On yonr further acquaintance."

••Thrue for yon, avick, an' the furdther
it in the betther it wnd shait me. An' the
(juicker we star-r-t, don't ye see, the fnrd-
ther we cnn make it before momin'. I know
Til think hetther ov ye nhin I can't see ye.
(tofxt aveiiin'.

"Stav." ?aid the sj)ectre, detaining him
as he sought to hurry by, "I have to tell
you, and that to show yon to-niglit, which
will make ycm a rich man. and send me back
to my narrow resting nlacc "

" Oh h-h ! liear 'imtalk about it ! "

«• Never leave it again until the last

dread trump shall summon me."

" Don't mintion it, don't; don't shpake ov
it all. at all."

*• My tale is brief and sad."

" An' ye have n tail, thin? ''

"Listen!"

"Shpake!"

"In early life- —"

"Phwat'sthat?"

*• I plowed the racing main."

" An' was ye a Granger, thin ? "

'* Nny, I was a pir'>.te ! "

" Same thing ; kape on ; it's frazin 1 am."

" T steepeil my wi.'ked hands in human
gor- tor many years. When my atrocious
crimes} had amassed me a princely fortune, I
repented me of my evil ways."

" Muslia thin, it wnr you fur knowin'
whin to repint. "

" 1 bade . i to my evil companions, and
taking my — "

" Ah, did ., t^ opgh ? An' it was a cau-
tiousoulil refon t -'e was, all the same."

" of our Ux-gocten spoils; I fled west

far to the inland — pursued by the stinjn
ot an avenging conscience and a sherifrs
posse. "

" It was thim as stirreif up your con>
shince."

" I reached this city in safety and hid my
gold, stained with human lives, in yonder
deep ravine. Oft as 1 needed money. I came
here by night and got vhat 1 wished."

• " ( 'an ye get any ov it now, do ye think ?'

"One winter night— a cold, bleak Christ-
inas Kve — returning from snch a visit to my
hoard, I was waylaid by two men, who sus-
pecte(l my .secret, on this very spot "

•' (Jood avenin' !"'

"Stay yet one moment. They seized me,
hulled me to the ground "

"Here?"

" On this very spot where we now stand.
They "

" Let's walk furdther down the hill."

" Listen. They hurled me to the ground,
and, as I struggled for my gold, they — slew
me!"

"Phwat!"

"They cut my throAt from ear to ear !"

A MODERN OOBLIN.

the furdther
ne. An' th«
'e, the ford-
in'. I knovrj

can't se« ye. I

etaiiiing hun
have to tell
'igltt, which
fend me back

It it!"

intil the Uwtl

t shpake ot

II n.

frazin I am. '
-1» in human
my atrociona
3ly fortune, I

fur knowin'

panions, and

it was a cau-
he same."
; I fled west
>y the stiiiffB
1 a 8heri#8

p your con-

and hid mj
I, in yonder
fjney. I came
shed."
>ye think? '
)lcak Chri«t-

visit to my
!'n, who sn«-
)Ot "

f aeized n»e,

now stand.

e hill."
the ground,
they— slew

to ear

"M-i-M-i-a m-u-r-d-t-h-e-r ! An' did it
hurt?"

" It has:;gled some, but—"

" An' du\ yez niver git over it ?"

" I died !"

"Oh-h-h ! Bouen of the martyrs ! GOOD
avenin !"

"Stay a nitjment. 1 "

"Ah yu$>, shtop a minit. It's yerself is
the |>leasaiit man to beshtoppin' \>u\, uu the
hillside at midnight. Go oit, tliiii, for it's
•tar\iii' wid tiie cold I am."

" I died wliere 1 fell ; and a coroner u jury,
after due (Itliburatiou, returned averdici, on
luv lifelesc) remains, that 'the alle>.'eil dei^eas-
e<i ( uine to liis pro' able ilea' h in a tit of tem-
porary iiiauiti'in, induced by the administer-
iu>/ of uantotic drug or drvi^a, by Honie visi-
tation of i'rovidence to the jury unknown.'

■' VVur Lh.vt all, alanna ? 1 thought ye
.uiti tliey tut the tliroat ov ye."

"They diil. But the uitellij^ent citizens
who composed the coroner's jury could not
see that tli.tt liad anything to do witii it.
Since that time, once a year, on every anni-
versary of my untimely death, lam forced to
leave my ^'rave "

" Oh, niorLial man ! don't shpake ov ii at
all, an' us out here in the dark an' coul i,and
niver a dhrop ov anythin;^ to rise tlie cockles
ov me heart wid nearer tiian town, liui
kape on. "

'* and haunt this hill. My spirit can-

uot rest in peace uatil the inomy which I
left conctalud trom human ^azc sli.ill be given
into hands tit to be entrusteil with wealtii."

"All" is that all, acushla ? (Jo I'ack to
yer «ltn, and dhraw yer stool to tiie fire, an"
be comfoit.dile. t^how me wharc to dig ji^t,
and sorrow light, upon int- av y( il ever iiavr
anymore nade to wake up an' worry about
another cint as long as ye live— 1 iiiune, as
lon§ as ye don't liv»'. \\ hare's yer bank ?
J)ivil l>e in inu Itut thare'll be such a run on
it in about tt-n minitH they'll think theie's an
ould-t'asliiont d Auiericm iiauio broke lousuin
gtioutlaiiil, tor a truth. Uaii't shlapc because
ye can't givt yei money away ! iMushfi.thiii,
it's ineself can't shlajie often enough betause
1 haven't ony to give away, or to Uaie,
aytlicr. Slmw me yer threasury, avic ; I'm
yer oystlur. "

" Years ago I might have given it away,
had men luit known my secret. But the
spell laid m|om mc "

"A spell ov what?"

" forbade mo to reveal my liidilen

wealth until 1 should meet a man going home
sober, on C'hriHtuias Eve, w)io would not be
afraid of me. The condition was u liard one,
for although in my ani.ual hauntingu I have
met many men plodding up this hill too
drank to be frightened, you are the first

sober man I have met on Cbristraas Eve since
the city was an Indian trading post. "

"Ah well then, it's small blame to them,
for its gettin' really to shwear oti'New Year's
day they are, the whole jing-banj^ of tliim.
Troth, they do that every year.

•* You did not manifest any fear at my
sudden appearance. You were not, ap-
parently, afraiil of me ; you- — "

".t\'.raid. is it?"

" 1 merely remarked that you were not
afraid of me "

"Is it me?"

"I said, my quick-tempered frieud, that

"Is it you?"

"Calm yourself, my bellicose mortal, I
simply "

'• Listen to 'im I Hear 'im talk about ony
body l)ein' ashkared ov an ouhl l)ag >' l)ones
sthaii'iin' in tiie dark makin' faces ! Why,
ye coiisaited old skeleton, is it comin' to
Anicriky to be shkared wid ycu I'd he, whin
we had a ghosht ov our own in the Oiild Sod
for more n twinty \<,irs? A ghosht that
wur wortli ein' shkared ov, too."

" You surprise me," said the ghost. " Are
you (|uite certain that your own lainily was
favoured with tiie pennanent soeiety of a
gho.st? You will p;'.rd(ii me foi in iinating
tirtt your .•'ppearanec Miid dress do not iudi-
eate a .station in life that calls forMhfl a con-
dition ot things. For I am docideiliy under
the impresiiioii that we are peim.'ttd to
haunt only a i istocratic families, wle> iidiabit
large rambling houses, with long ;.looniy
coriidois and luaguihcent bay wiiidowh and
lofty mansard roofs and heavy inoir'a-es;
(ull of <:ark •orners and convenient hiuing
places tor ghosts, and frequently so unconi-
tortable and dreary, especially on the occasion
of a poor relation's visit, that no one but a
ghost can ei joy living ii. them. 1 oiict ki.ew
a most respcctaide ghost, a ^poetic of a most
extia'irdinaiy rugged constitiuuii, who
haunied one of tlioe houses, and went to
sleep in tlit spare room one iii^dit and wa.s so
laid up with the rheuina' ism that he was
unable to get out of his gra\e "

*' '1 tie saints betune us ! I^oii't mention
It!"

" for nearly six weeks. I took his

place at the maiiHion during his indisiioMtion.
A dreary, frosty place enough, tilted up
I elegantly with a thousand dollar )iiano, a
I cohtly mechanu s lien, r>ruM.sel.-* caipet."*, a
cha»^tel mortgage or two, French plaie win-
dows, a tax title, and a few similar < xpeiKsive
luxuries. I did not wish to be laid up with
the rheumatism, so I took preventives instead
of cures. From being frosty and chilly, I
made that house the warmest place this side
of "

A MODERN OOBUN.

" Don't say it, alann» ! Skip that ! "

" the eiinator," pursaed the gliost,

quietly. " Tt soon became the most hospit-
able maDsiou on the street. It was full of
company all the time, and poor relations
camu ami got 8(|uare meals and slept in the
begt beils atnl were made welcome. You can-
not itnaj,'ine how I softened that old fellow's
proii<l heart. .\nd you must excuse nie if I
say tliat yon do not appear to belong to that
favoured class which is honoured with here-
ditary ghosts. A ghost, my uusophisiticated
friend, is mi expensive luxuiy. "

" Thrue for you, it is, thin. The wan we
had was the most expinsive thing we wur
ever t. troubled wid. He kim till the house
in nic father's time an' I dunuo how long
befoar."

" Did he look like me?"

" Sorra the wan ov him. He'd ate a rigi-
mint ov ypz in a minit. Shondhers like a
sailor au' a head net on 'im like a bull dog's.
He wur a i,'hoHht now that cud talk to ye
about bcin' ashkared ov him."

" Does he ever annoy — that is, entertain
you now t "

" Faix, thin he doesn't. It isn't hore he
cud live at all, at all. It wur in the onld
countliry he did be vexin' us an' tfisin' the
life out ov us from mornin' till night."

" Why, did he appear in the daytime,
then?"^

"It wur grace lur his bones that he did.
Be the holy poker, alauna, it wur waitiu' fur
him ill the dark twiiity times a ino.ntli we
was. Catch an Irish ghosht comin' in the
dark. He knowed whin to come."

" Did you ever try to lay the ghost ?"

" \Vau3t. The byes laid him with a black-
thorn s*^ick, ;in' Horra the wan of him
throuUled us agin fur six week.s afther.'' (

" 1 don't understand. Whv did he haunt

you

? What was '

•• Wiiy did he? For the rint. av i>"orse.
It was the thavin' ould lamllord. bloody
end to him. Talk about ghosts ! The oubl
boddcii/h Sfisfi'iKi'/fi gev us more throui)le in
wan ilay than the whole jing-bansf ov autih
thiu legi^ed spooks as yerseU" cud make us in
a week. Thare was wan time the ould
swaddlcr kim down to Muldoonery's shebeen
— ye knew the Muldoonerys ?"

" The name is familiar, but I can not
saj' that I liver had the homiur of the family's
acquaintance."

"The betther for you thin, for ye died
wid a wlude head "

" But my neck was spoiled."

"Oh-h, by tliis an' by that, listen to him !
Don't .sphake ov it. The Muldoonerys was
me father's own family. O^M Malachi
Muldoonery, wan of the Killalali'dis, tliim
as was own cousins to the O'Slaughtory'a of

Killgobbin — ah, thim was the high-toned
wans fur ve; when it come to ouldlamUies,
they lifted the pins, jist. They had a ghosht
ov thare own, a rale wan, sphooky enough
to frighten a horse from his oats, thar wore a
long nightshirt like yer own, an' carried his
head undher his arm. Oh, Gog's blakey, but
he wur the boss ghosht. He wur beheaded
fur headiu' a rebellyun three bundhred years
ago. Ah, tare-an-onns, the tussle me own
uncle, who was an O'Slanghtery, had wid
this same gho.4ht wanst. We heard the
a()hook thramplin' up an' down the hall, fnr
he always wore a shurt of armour undher
his white dhress, an' me uucle got up an*
wint oat, an' peerin' down the dark hall,
sees him.

" ' Arrah !' sez me uncle.

"Sorra the word se? the ghosht.

" ' Are ye thare ?' sez me uncle.

"The ghosht stoppeil walkin' and screwed
on his head like the head ov a cane.

" ' An' phawt av 1 am ?' sez he.
I "'Come out o' that, thin, ye bladdher-
I hang,' sez me umde.
i " ' I won't, thin,' sez the ghosht.

" ' Ye'd betther,' sez mc uncle.
, " ' I hadn't tliii.,' s«/ the ghosht.

" ' Do ye know what this is, ye omadhawn?'
' se/ me uncle, balancin' his blackthorn.
I " ' None o' yer chaff, acz the ghosht.

"'I won't lave u whole bone in yor
carkidge,' sez he.

"' Phwat!' sez the ghosht.

" ' I wont !' sez he.
i " ' Yer a liar !' sez he.
1 " Is it me ?' says he.

" ' Show me yer head I' sez he.

" ' Whoop !' snz he.

" ' Hurroo !' sez he.

" Whack 1 wint the black- thorn, and wid
that the whole house was roused wid a
boUerin' an'roarin' that wud shame the bulls
ov Bashan. It was me uucle, an' they found
him out dures tied to the gate posiit wid a
bed-conl half a mile long and knotted up
that way that it tuk tliiin till after daylight
to ontie him, for sorra the khot cud they
cut. Oh, heavy heart go wid the ghosht
that tied him out in the cowld that a- way.
An' after they got him untied he died."

" Immediately?' asked the speutrc.

" Och, the divil, no; about twenty-siviu
years afther. But this isn't tellin' me about
the famous baul< ov your.s?"

" True." said the spector, " we are losing
time. To you, who have kept .sober (Jhrist-
mas Eve, and have scorned to desecrate the
sacred memories of the seas*) "

" Tower ov ivory !" whispered the exile of
Killatalick, " av that isn't pnrty good for an
oM cut-throat ov a pirate !"

hieh-toned

ulrl families,
hail A ghosht
ooky enough

tbat wore a
i' carried his

blakoy, hut
ur beheaded
idhred year*
sle me own
rv, had wid
heard the
the hall, far
our undher

ffot up an'
) dark hall,

md screwed
ie.

'e bladdher-

It.

ht.

)miidhawn?'

lorii.

Iiosht.

>ne in yor

MIDDtSRIB'* PIC'NIO.

1, and wid
<ed wid a
10 thti bnlls
thu-y found
>aiit wid a
LUiitted up
&r daylight
eiul they
lie ghosht
lilt a- way.
ied."
tro.

eiity-siviii
Mie Jibuut

are losing

er (Jliriat-
!i!rate the

IB exile of
>od for an

" ftnd have shown the integrity of

your moral being "

"An phwat'a thim, I wondher?"

'• in that you feel no fear of visitants

from the s»)irit world, t4» you I commit g<U«i
won by dislioneiit mojUiH, but which at laut
reaches honest htuids that will devote it to
worthy puriioses. Coinu M'ith rae and do aa
Jtelly.Hi."

Crossing himself with an energy and
rapidity that mdic itud a alight lack of oon-
tidence in the moral standing of liis* ^'uide,
the descendant of th*' MnldooneryM of Kill-
gobbin followed his ghoutiy leader down the
hill-side into the hollow and along the course
of the bewildered ami frozen brook, until
they paused before an irregular wall of rock,
long ago cut <lown by tlie action of the
water. As they stood before this rude wall,
the spectre turned to his companion.

" If," ho saiil solemnly, "you do not feel
•8 though you could maintain the atricteat
silence, and not utter a word or an exclama-
tion, no matter what wonders you may sea,
do not follow me farther. The charni which
opens the care of my hidden wealth to your
eyes, closes it in destruction on any violation
of the spt'll under which I am held. Are
you ready ? On your life now, do not utter
a sound. "

The ghost tcntched the rock with hia bony
hand. It yawned like a door, and in the
cavern behind the gloomy entrance they
crept, crouching, along a narrow passage
until the roof arched and they stood erect.
An open cheat lay at their feet ; flittering
jewels sparkled like stars in the ;^loom ;
precioua stones in the mysterious coffer
gleame«l till their raya pierced the shadowy

ftall of the cavern with a pale, tremulous
ight. At a silent motion from the si)ectre,
the mortal, trembling with excitement and
eagerness, bent down and seized the chest.
Once, twice, thrice, he straineil every
muscle, and tugged until it seemed as though
his eyes were bursting from their sockets.
but the glittering fortune seemed immovable.
He set every nerve for one tremendous effort ;
he brafoil his feet tirndy, and once more

f rasped the handles of the coffer. It moves !
'he ransom of an empire ia his !
" S'matter 'ith you fellers ? Hie ? Watchu
doin' ? Hey ?"

The blindiu!,' liglit, and thee leaf (iiioii crash
that followed, lasted acarce the duration of
the lightiiing'a liush, and all was darkness
and silencp. ^viij,|j the gray light of morn-
ing quenched the beams of the jialing stars,
the exile woke to consciousness to find him-
self lying oiitBidc the |}[M<U-bound cavern,
with the unbroken rook looming cold and
pitilesa beside him, anti hi* dream nt wealth
w»flgQne. A f«iu); odvMR.of 9t^f;wbiBk«y

kined the wintry zephyrn, and a shattertd
bottle in the near disttuu^c laj like »
mournful memory of hi-i iiappy dreanni.
When the unhappy man's .riends discovered
him, they took in all lliu condition;! of
the chcerlesa bivouac, and when in the
co/y surroundings of his licme he tidd hit
marvellous narrative, they were sceptijal
enough to declare that tiiey believed all the
story about the ghost, ami the cavern, and
the money chest was >>i\\\ ihc inspiration of
that l)ottlo before it w a» broken, and that the
exile of Kilboggin "aw (he light and heard
the crash when he staggered over the cilge
of the wall and broke ins head. Hut lie still
believes that if the young fellow who went
into camp on the hillside at the opening of
this story had not tiuiahed his sleep and
broke in upon them in such an untimely
manner, he would never again have done a
harder da\ 's work than cutting off coupons
from governmtait bonds.

The rest of ua know that this is.true. And
if any young man doubta tiie truth of thie
veracious chronicle, he c&u easily verity ita
statements by keeping sober next Chiiatmas
Eve, and patrolling thetpiiet streets until he
meets the ghost. And if he doesn't see the
spectre, he will at least enjoy the singular
sensation of going home sober on ( hiiMtn as
Eve, a thing of much greater rarity and won-
iler to most of " the boys" than an interview
with a .Moneyed Ghost.

Middlerlb's Picnic.

"It isn't age that makes people grow old,"
reinaikedMr. Middlerib to his family as
they were gathered at the breakfast table.
" It is incessant application ; it is unending,
incessant work and worry. The mind, the
bo ly, all the faculties, mental and pli> sical,
are kept on the alert, withovit rest or reerea-
tion, until outraged nature rises in rebellion
against the slavey to which it is subjected,
and deludel man, with ail the aches and trc«
niour of sendity in his young joints, awakes
to find that lie hits lived his three score yiars
and ten in iialf his allotted number of liaya. "
.And, witii this s<age remark, Mr. Middlerib
leanetj back in his chair and regarded his fa-
mily with the air of a man who has just im-
parted a viilume of iaformation that would
stagger the average comprehension.

" Tliat's what ailed these spring cliiekena,
I reckon," snggested Master Middlerib,
struggling with a wing that wassupp led with
the latest improveii tiah-piate joints ; " wore
themselves out trying to lay ten years' eggs
in five."

Mr. Middlerib gazed at the boy in a mean-
ing manner, and the young gentleman imr
mediately elevated one of his elbows until it
TTAS w high »A bis head, and hold his guard

MIIIOLBKIB'M PK' NI<;.

up whtln lin wurily i-ni(ar<lfi| hi* pnront'n din-
*»^^^^^'^ hno'l. Mut, tTii- unuiil ooimotjiKnict^ii
dl<l it<il, liil|iiw, ituil Ml, Mi'i(|li-til> iirocoeil-
•«l (U» (»riii'iiii)i;4i Mini, ||i< wmilil nhakii
off MiM niti'lul nrtn<M nl liii>tiri)!Hi4, ari<l frtm
hliitaolf Iroiit Mif «im<iklnii of ciiiriinnrciul nnr-
♦itiiilf. mill <'iij<iy li imiiK; wiMi Imm ritiiiily
Aliil It (I'w 1 Ill-Ill fiiiiitiU, ,\iiil iiiiint'ilintclv
U|Miii llim. I.Iki finnih IhumiiI tlmir toiiniH-H
»ni| 'iilltiol III! tii^ntlii I, itml liM Iniiil nn<l rml
AN |Miii«ilil«) |.ir t.wnnly IJVK iriiiiiitim. TIkmi,
Ml*. \lli|<l|i<i ill, Miitiliii^; lii'iii^iiiy ii|i(iM Mil'
■antii* iif iili'.iNiii'o wliiili liiN Biiii'iiiiHcini-iit
h»il <'riii(t.i'i|, wniih nil t,it liiN iillii!!'. VVIiiMi III!
rntiMii'il. \1mm MiiMlnrili liml ii IimI, nnuli' nut

of l.lir |Mii|il<« t.llnv M'lillltl invil.i'. It •■IllliniOI'il

iiii<> liiMiilri'il liiiil liftiu'ii iwiuii'N, iiot initliiiling
»lt«iiimtim, iiml Mr. iMiil-lli«nli'M jaw fril \\h lir
IJti/.i'il iki tJiiK'iitii Infill'.

" hiujflitiM, ili'di. " III! rimiarUoil, an noun
M lii< I'liiiM ritiiiiiiaiiil liJH fi'Mliii^H. "i|ii you
tftlif MIK 1,11 (\ilv,i|y MlHHHiii Suniliiy Hfllliol,
that yoii lii^vK iiirliiiloil t,li«i i!(UiHiiHof tlio mty
in inir |iiimiic f "

tioWllllllil lllutliMJ out ailnViMI llllU Iri'.i l!.llllt>'<

With iv.iVH, alloi' whi.li Mr. \|iil.|liinl> >;,»/c I
Ilium till' ii<\ I u'll iiMil riMiin'toil int. ('X|iii i^i'i
milium, miil |iriiii.iiiiii'i'il it yno.l. Tlu'ii (lu'\
llin'.l iipoii iliK •iay, wliu'li \\:\H H(<((.!i>(l aitiu
lltiii'li w i'aiii{li.i^ ami |mi)IiiiiiiiI lii.si'ii.sNiim.
Mr. M. >\i'iit nut aiiil liiiil.Kil nt tlio Hky, ami
lintiul thi< iliri>i<li<<n i>l lln wiiNJ, nihl >v.'U<-li<>il
tlio imniMiiiMiN III tile • imi>iu'\ HwallnwH witli
M I'litii'.'il Mill Hi'iiMititi • «>\i>, ami 1 luui' III Mini
Kiiiiiium<i><l that It wiiiiiil mit i.iiu tnr livf
iImn 1, ami ilh'\ woulil havn tln' pu'iiii' jiisf,
two ilavN lii'|iin< !lii' ram. .Vinl from (ho hour
01 Ihai aiiiiouiuMMiuMit (lint MiihllsMih laiiiilv
•ml llii'ir iiiMlcl ri'lalioiis ili>| 110; liiui; hut
liaUc, ;iuil 10. ml. .'III. I ;it.i\v, mill iron (■|..||vi'h,
mill ili'.'hiii' lhi'\ w.'ii- (irml to (It'atli
mill «oul,i |ii< ^liiil when It «i»H all ovor ami
I iloiio >nth It in M Hoiiu'what lomarkalilo
f*ot lh;)l all pi'-ijiUMvlio iiiako u|i timii iiiiiiiis
ti> »j» l» *» |ii>'iU(', («hvay.>t >lo «a> (iiit (lu-y
Will hi' fjlad « liiMi It i!< o\(>r. (\u.l art as
ihongli (hity w«>it' ^>Mll^ moroly an an
not ol it(>|| (liMim! auil rt .imrtitioatiim of thf
Uoiih,

Ihit wluMi tlu>»Uy «iuall\ r»>ll«>(l anuiiiil. an
ilnvK >m1I imII, (hi' i<\.'i((Mu«'u( wftji at \\»
hiMiilu I'ho Niin (<iriii»ulo,l to Ihn pl.i.o at tiu>
unual hour, :»•< wooii ,'«s lio was callcil, aii.l lux
Wvvl. itil la '«» ha«i a terribly « il.l nu,!
tt«»i>i)v«t<><t l.vk M ho^Utihl thuaitih thoWhk

of ohnhin t.h«( Otlli»Ut«Hl hl« |tt>tt.lU^Up pU(H>,
M thoiVith \\9 h»<i ImmM t«M-ing| MVUlttl *Uj

night, anfl ha'i nuver had iiin hootti or)', and
had oiiiy got up to collar the water pitcher.
No ivomler thfi whoh; party loit uoutiiiencfl
in Miiidi u nun the moment thoy looked at
hitit. \\t' lonkitd too much liki^ a prodigal
Mun, juHt hefore ho got ntarvui into reform,
ralhiir thmi a Minilin^, cheery picniu sua.
Ami till; .MnldhniliR took turiiH gmiig out
Hiiuly ail' I ill Hiii.ill ^roiipH to l')ok at him,
ami iiivili; liiH tinpromiHing appcir'iiice, and
aftur Hacli III it^orvation they would return to
thi< houHit and auk eacli other in toMt.-.s some-
wliat tinged with a teiidor imdaiicholy,
" Well, what do yon tliink of it?" And the
(pniHtioiied one would HtiHe a sigh ;i'i ! i(q)ly,
" I don't know, do yon ?"

There ia no Heine in all this wi le world of
pathim more [latlietio than u group ot un\i(iU8
iiiortaU, on til" morn of a pienic, trying to
delude eaeh other into tlie helief that wlien
the Hky is eovei'd witii heavy hiaek clouds,
HllO feet, thiek, .inl a damp soud is driving
through the air, and the sun is only half
vi.silile oeeasioiially through u thin eloiid that
in waiting to ho patohed up to the Hiandard
tlneUniiss and den^^ity, it is ui iit^ to boa
vety line day indeed. 80 the Middleribs
looked at the oojipeiy old sun, and the
dmiial clouds, and trioil to look cheer-
ful, and Bald oncoiiraj^iiigly th.il "Oh, it
never rained when the clouds can lo up that
w ly ; " and. " See, it is all clear over in the
I'a'Ht ; ' ami, " it often rains very heavily in
town when there doc^n t a ilro[> • 1 water fall
at riiifpc'-t Mill." \\\(\ thus, with many
encouraging remarks of similar import, they
awaited t he gatlu-ring of the pait\, and the
liiiin.in lieiii^s tinally eliiiibed into one waggon
put the haiket-s and the boys in tlu; oJicr,
and drove away, t;ii.;gling and howling with
well disseinliled ulcc.

The happy party, although tiiey well knew
Hint it would not ram, had taki n th" pre-
caiitnm iie<ertliele8s 10 take a lar^'e a>sort-
inent ot shawls and umbrellas. Tluy werti
a ((iiarter of a mile from town w iit n 11 began
to thunder some, but as it didn't thunder in
the direction of I'rospe.'t Hill, distant some
three niilis, they went on, conJideut that it
wiisu't r.'iiiiing, and wouldn't and couldn't
ram ;it rrospccl Mill. They were half a
mile from town when the cloud that all the
losi oi the clouds had been waitiiik; for cfcinc
up and sftt down on the last, solitary linger-
ing patch of blue that broke tlie maiotoiiy of
theli'adeu sky, but the l»arty pr-ssed on, con-
tideiit that they would lind line s-ky when
they got to ri\wfH>ct Hill. They wcrc a mile
from (own when old Aquarius pulUvi the bot-
tom out of the ram waggon and began the en-
iortatiimcnt. It was a grand nucces*. The
ourtAin hadn't l>^«n up t«u nunute« l^fore all
th« atMuliag room in tht; hooa« waa ukuk >p

i>ut« ory', and
iu;r pitcher.
it <;'iiiHiieace
•y looked at
• a priirligal
ill Id niform,

pK'Iliu 8UQ.
IH goil'g out

>iik ta him,

iriiice, and

tl lettini to

t.o.Hj.s Hiime-

iindiinoholy,

f" Ami the

;li ;iM ' mply,

il'' w'dild of

|i ot ail \ioaB

IV, Lryiiig to

I' that wiien

iiii'k cl'iuds,

III It driving

IS only half

ill tdoiid that

;lii! HtHiidard

I'iii^ til bo a

iMidilloribs

111, iiiiil the

lii.ik nheer-

»i "Oh, it

'luno up that

iiv»fr 111 the

f lie,i\'i!y in

• i >vi»t«i fall

with many

iiiiptiit they

it\, iuid the

u one WitgLfon

1 the uJuT,

iivvliiig with

L-y wi'll knew
HI til" pre-
liiru'i' a*«<)rt-
I'luy wer»!
Ik'Ii il hr'gan
t iliuiidir in
istaiit Kiinie

ii'tit t\\At It

lid couldn't
»eio half a
that all the
lik; fiT cfcine
itar.v liiiijer-
nt'Uotoiiyof
fstnl on, oon-
■ >l»y when
^«clo a mile
llo.( the l)4»t-
i-^an the eji-
ic»». The
e* l)«for« all
aa t*kaa ap

MinnLElUU'S PK NIC.

and the box olTicc was closed. Tho Middlo-
rib party having gone early, and aei-urod
front seats, were able to »oo everything.
They expressed their plesuiure by loud shrieks
and howls, and wails. They tore uinbrell.-is.
that had been furtively plaoed in the wagon,
out of their lurking places, and shot them up
with such abruptness that the hats in the
waggon were knocked out in the road. Then
the waggon stopped and people crawled out
and wadeit around after hats, and came
piling back into the waggon, their feet loadcil
with mud. Thv umbrellas gol into each
ether's way, and from the points of the ribs
streams of dirty viiter trickled down shud-
dering backs, and stained immaculate
dresses, and took the independence out of
ghissy shirt fronts. Ami the picnic party
turned homeward, but still the Middleribs
(lid not lose heart. They smiled through
their tuivrs, and .Miss Middlerib, beautiful in
her grief, still advocated going on and
having the picaic in a barn, and wept when
they iofnsed her. It rained harder every rod
of the way b;wU. Then they got every body
and every thing in the house, the heart-rend-
ing discovery was made that the boys had
taken the rubber blanket which was to have
covered the baskets in case of rain, and
spread it over tliemselvcs when the moisture
leathered, and cousoqueiitly the odibloa were
in a state of dainpn"ss.

Then the clouds broke, mid the nun eamo
out, and smiling nature stood around looking
as pleasant as though it had never played »
mean trick on a ])icnic party in its life ; and
the Middleribs hung themselves out in tho
sun to dry 'ul tried to jilay' croquet in
^he wet grass to keep up their spirits as well
as thoy know how, and were not cross if they
did get wet. If smiling nature lu.l only
given them a show, or oven half a chance,
thoy would have got along all right. Thoy
were bound to have tho pienie jiarty anyhow,
so they kept all the relations at the house,
aud when dinner time came, tho grass was
dry and thoy set tho table out under tho
trees and made it look as picnicky as possible.
It clouded uu a little when thoy wore setting
the table, hut nobodv thought it looked
very threatening. The soaked things
had been dried as carefully as possible,
and the table looked boautinil when they
gathered around it. And just about the
time they got their plates filled and doclare<I
that they were glad they came back, and
that tiiis was ever mo much bettor than Pros-
pect Hill, a forty acre uloud came and stood
riffht over the table, and then and there wont
rU to pieces.

The pleaaure-seekem grabbed whatever
they oonld reach aud bnike for tho house,
uttming a wild shriek of diimAy. They
6

ciMwded into the hall, which wasn t halt" big
enough, and there they »Uhm\ on eavdi other's
trains, and trod o\\ e.aeh others corns, and
J oiired oolFee down each <»ther's b.u'ks, and
jabbed forks into one another's anus. When
one frantic looking woman would rush in
and set a plate of i-ake d(»wn on tlie lloi)r
while she dived into tiic rain with a woman's
anxiety to ret'over some more provisions from
the dripping wreck, a forlorn looking man
would immediately 8te|> on that plate of cake,
I and stand there ga/.ing woiideringly and ap-

Iirehensively at the slirii>king crowd .iround
liiii, pointing their forks an<I lingers at him
and his feet, and yelling, in a deafening
chorus, sunething as utterly uiiintiliifible as
" shouting jirtneriis." .\ii(i when tlic man,
in a vain effort to do something in cmnplianco
with the shrieking which was evid»'ully in
tended for him, atepped olV the cake and
stood ill a huge dish of baki-d be.'ins, tiic witil
I of consternation that went up from the I'on-
\ gregation fairly rent the bending skies. .And
when Uncle Steve, who had found Aunt
(^irrio's baby out under the deserted table,
maintaining an unequal struggle with half of
a huckleberry pie and a whole tliiindi<r storm,
eamo tearing in with a helpless infant, and,
dashing through tho crowd, deposited it on
top of a pile of hard-boiled ef>gs, MisH Mid-
dlerib fainted, and tho youngest gentleniHii
cousin was driven into a spasm of jealousy
because he couldn't walk over a row of cold
meats and lobster salad to get to hi<r, and
had to endure the misery of seeing iAw oldest
and ugl.est bachelor uncle carry her drooping
form to a sofa, and lay her tlown tenderly,
with her classic head in a nest of enwiiii tarts
and her dainty feet on Sadie's .lenny liind
cako. And when Mrs. Mitldlerib looked out
of tho window, and saw the dog lleedle with
his fore paws in the leinonadn liueket, growl-
ing at ctmsin <lohii, who was tryiiiu to drive
aim out of it, she expressed a willingness to
die right there. And wh«n they were start-
led by some unearthly sounds and iniitlled
shrieks, that even rose above tho hitman ba-
bel in the hall, and found that tho jat had
got its poor head jammed tighter than wax
in the mouth of tho jar uhat contained tho
cream, everybody just sat on the plato of
things nearest him, and gaaped, " What
next T " while cousin David lifted eat and jar
by tho tail of the f(»rmor, and cat riod them
out to bo broken apart. And when old Mr.
liubolkins lost his teeth in tho (Mtll'eo not,
half tho people in tho hall began to hmo
heart, anii one dinoouragod young cousin said
he half wiahwl that thoy had put tho pio-nio
off a day. And finally, whon the iinroar waa
at ita heiaht, the dmir-boU rang, aud the aunt
nuareat the door opened it, aud there atoo<l
the Hon. Mrs. J. (J. P. K. tt Von BUth*friug<

MASTER BILDERBACK'S POULTRY YARD.

ford and her daughter, the richest and moit
fltyluh people in the neighbourhood, arruyed
like fashion-plates, making their Hrst formal
call. While they stood gazing in mute be-
wilderment at the scene of ruin and devaata-
tiuu and chaos before them, Mis. Mlddlerib
just got beliind the door and pounded her
head against the wall ; wiiile Miss Middlerib,
springing from her sofa, ran to her rooia, leav-
ing a trail of Jenny Lind cake and cream ti»ru8
bc'h-nd her, as the fragments dropped from
her back hair and heels. And the rest of
the company, staring at the guests with
their mouths full of assorted provisions, and
their hearts full of bitter disappointment,
mumbled, in hospitable chorus, "Wupiu."
wliich, had their mouths been empty, would
have been rendered, "Walk in."

This blow settled the picuig. (iloom hung
over the house the rest of the day. M:.
Middlerib decided, after the company had
dej)arted, that the easiest aid cheapest way
to clean the hall would be to turn the river
through it. And tliat niglit when they were
Mseuibled at a comfortless tea t; ble — Master
Middlerib having been sent U bed ho isick
that they didn't think his toe-naiis would be
able to hold down till morning- -Mr. Mid-
dlerib said :

" Jt isn't the steady, iionest, ambitious de-
vution to business that makes men old. La-
bt)ur is a law of our nature. We are happi-
est and most content when we are busiest.
It is the healthful labour of the day that brings
thc8weet,refre.jhingrepo8eof the night. Plea-
sure ilies us when we se«k her ; she comes
io us when we least regard her calls. Re-
member what I have .'Iways said, and find
your pleasure in yov? -Jaily work— in the
regular routine of daily life, and its duties
and useful avocations — and age will only
come upon you slowly, and youth will linger
in your hearts and your faces long years af-
ter your allotted days of youth are past.
The next time you want to have a picnic,
remember how n?any times I have warued
you against them. "

Halter BUilerl>»ol^'8 Pou|ltnr T«ra.
If there was auytjhiiig she abominat^^
more than one thing, Mri, Bi(4erbauk , used
to say with some warmth, it was another,
and that was chiqVeuK. And Kbe resoiiit^ly
protested against keeping any of tlieut about
the place. 8ho wanted. to keep a few tlowiCfrs
this year, and she wasn't going to be murti-
Hbd again ae ehe vrae laati^umuier, by haying
every woman who called smilti at the (oropt
of bare stalks aiul scraggy Iniwabes ^a^
etuod for the ooUeo^pn Qt bon^*, plant^ itiai;
■henndbai imgh^r. irie^to raiftpi fajn 4)riuk ,
meala Ao lhA.pliM«k b9t .yirhich, ^ere, jfifi^jr fit
no more use except to fill the crops of a lot

of long-legged, ii angry chickens. And for a
long tiuiH the good lady held out stoutly
against the chicktu ]ir(>position, hut was at
last over-argued and ovcrpei'juuded and
gavf her unwilling oouseiit for .daster Bil-
iliybackto ki'.ii]) tJircc do/cm cliicUeiis, the
party of the second jiart ltiiidi<i>; liiiiiself to
keep the table supplied with fresli e.^gs and
spring chickens, and to keep all liens, roost-
ers, and all young chickens of unknown sex,
but of sullicieiit piiyaical development to
scratch, out of the front yard and auay
from tlie riowcr bed.s. Thia eo'ntr.vct Master
Bilderbaek placed himself under heavy bonds
to carry out, l>y sayiui^, "honi^st injuu,"
"pon nonnour," and -'eross my lieirt,'" and
having sidemuly repeated this awful an<l im-
pressive forniuii), lie went .sedately out of the
room and inimodirvtely threw himself down
on a verbena bed, where lie p;)uuded tlie
ground with hia heels in the ecsta-
sy .)f his joy In due time the
new hen-h )a.so xaa completed, and Mr.
l.ililerbaek, breathing maledictions on the
wretches who nullod the pickets oil' his front
fence for kiiidlju:; wood, had that important
boundary re[»aired l)cfore he noticed that the
apertures in tlie tenee correapomled to eer-
tain neat lookini,' improvements on the hen-
nery. TliK house was stoekel rather slowly,
for it W.1S j)art, of tiio contract which Mrs.
Bildnrbaek had drawn that the party of the
sccuud part shoulil purchase his own stock.
It was notieeabio that Master Bildcrbaek'e
taste ran greatly toward gamoy looking
rooster-, aiul as the perches in the hsnnory
beL'n.ine mmo and moi e ))(>pulated, the outlook
for fresh ektgs and ,s[)ring chickens became
very discouraging indeed. The lirat fowl th*i

f)oultcrer brou^^^ht liouio was a gfiunt Ham-
mrg with ono eye and a game leg, but .
beautifully spanglcii, wdiich interesting bird,
Master Bild»u-back informed his sisteff was
the worst pill in the box and had lost his eye
while lighting a cow. The next day rie
tradod a pocketful of marbles for a little
bantam that crowed twenty-four hours a day,
could sli}) throu^di a season criickin a warped
board, could dig a hole in the middle oj a
rtowcr bad that you could bury a calf in,
Thero wnb,ut a momcut'a silence about; the
house after the liantam's arrival, for when he ,
was not lighting tlie Hamburg, wliieli was
only when that valiant but ]>rui|ont bird got
up lUL top of the house and iiid behiiMJ a
chimney, he was wandering through the,
house trying Ilia voic,<?,in the difl'qrenti ^o^ns,
or sl.au^lu)g on the frofit uoroU issuing prq-
iplamations of dctiance to all roosters to whom :
thei|q pr«)s»eHtH might,«oiue, greeting. A itay,
or two, afttjr I the Wji/^m's amy4 Mm^; ,
,Bil«^hfick traded , hiijjtuifo hi a oij^
tSpahish rooster witli a nroken wing. Toe

A SUNDAY IDYt.

And for a
out stoutly

liut was at

uaded aacl

il aster Bil-

icUens, the

; himself to

sh e>4gs ami

hens, I'uost-

kiujvvn sex,

lopineiit to

and away

•act Master

loHvy bonds

^-st injuu,"

u';irt," aud

fill an<l im-

y out (if the

iiself down

iiuided the

the oosta-

tiiiie the

, aud Mr.

ous on the

od" his front

t juipurtant

Lied tliat the

led to (jer-

m the heu-

tlier slowly,

ivhich Mrs,

urty of the

own stock.

Bildcrbai,k'fB

luy looking

;ho hsnnery

, the outlook

ous became

irst fowl th"!

^aunt Hara-

e log, but ,

oatiug bird,

sisttjrs was

I lost his eye

ixt day "he

for a little

hours a day,

in a warped

niddle ox a

y a ualC in,

u about) tlio

for when h« ,

whieli wa»

out biriil Hot

id behiiMT a

thi'ough th«

erenti mujiib,

isijHing urq-

tors to wliom

i^jg. A ilayi

\oi a bladj,
wing. Tn«

Spaniard when put in the coop proceeded at
once to clean out the dishearteued Hamburg,

her on the head, just abaft her ear, with his
heel, gently dropping her ; " grassed the old

who fought ou the tactics which had so often ' lady," Master liihlerback afterward ex-
provod of so iireat value to hiin, and anuized plained to his sister, "like a shoe." The
his furious autagouist by the briskness with wretched bird paused as he passed the sitting
wliich he gut out of the coop, uj) ou to the ; room window, which was just about ou a le-
barn, aud perched liiuiself on the restless and vel with his head when he stooped, to look
uncertain weather-cock. The Spaniard and in aud make some unintelligible remarlt in a
the bantam then liad it until neither of them , guttural tone of language, and snatching up
could f taiMl, when the pacific Hamburg im- : a new tidy wliich Miss Bildcrbaok was at
proved the opportunity to come down and work upon, swallowed it aud passed on.
partake of the lirst square meal he hail eaten Wherever he trod he smashed a house plant,
since the new boar.lers had come to the [ and whenever he croaked he threw somebody
house. Two days later, ijaster Bilderback into a lit. He met .Mr. Bildeiback as lie
In-ought home a vile looking white rooster suddenly turned the <!oriicr of tlic house, ran
with no tail feathers, his comb shaved oft" against the old geutleniaii with a wild kind
close to the head, and spurs as long as your • of a crow that sounded like a .steamboat
tluiml), a vile plebeian of a rooster without a ' whistle with a bad cold, aud, as he trampled
line of pedigree, of no particular strain, ex- over the good man's prostrate joiiu, he
cept a strain tiiat niude hi.s very eyes turn plucked off his neck-tie aud swalUiwed it.
red whfm he growled, which he had bought Then the "buster" wheeled around and
for an (dil base ball club. But the nameless ; straddled into the sitting-room win<low, and
stranger amazed the proprietor of the hennery before they could head him out of the
by waltz'iig into the establishment with a,| window he swallowed two spools (tt cotton,
terrific rooster oath, aud following it up by , a tack hammer, a set of false teeth bulo.igiug
kicking the bantam clear out of his miml, ; to Mrs. Bilderljack, a cake of toilet soap, a
jerking the wattles off the Spaniard, ami shoe buttoner, a ball of yam, an Arctie
chasing the persecuted Hamburg half way up overshoe, aud liualiy choked ou a photograph
the side of tiie house. This was the last album which Hew open when it was about
addition made to the liappy family for some half way down. The bird when la t h^ard
time, Mr. Bilderl)ack declaring that l.i was from was still at large ro.imiug around Simth
not going so have his premises turned i'^o a Hill, but Master BiMerb.ick's hennery ia
cook-pit, and Master Bilderback was sternly ' emiity and lonesome, l)ecauHehis parents are,
forbidden to arrange any more meetings in \ for some unaccountable reason, bitterly pre-
the alley, with other boys and their l)irds. judiced against keeping chickens.

But a few days afterward, when Master j

Bilderbadk came home from school, it was ; A Sunday Idyl,

evident that he had made a trade. He had ' You see, the tenor had got kiml of ab-
scmie oth b jy's shabby oli^haton his head, , straeted, or restless, or somethiuj; during the
and there wasn t a lead pencil, piece of i long prayer, aud was thinking al)out the Eu-
strin^r, pistol cartridge, top, lish-hook, ropean war, or the wheat corner last week,
chalk-line, marble, dime novel, or street | or something, and so, when the minister gave
car ticket in his pockets, and he : out hymn '231, on page ()7, and the chorister
had a new rooster, the crowning glory of the whisfjered them to sing the music ou page
vast collection of fowls that were to furnish 117, ii. all came 'u on tiie tenor like a volley,
forth his mother's table with fresh eggs aud aud as he had o»ily the playing of the sym-
spring chickens. It was a Shaushai ; young ; phony in which to make tiic necessary corn-
one, Master Bilderback said, as no prepared bination of time, hyinu aud page, became to
to untie its legs and wings, and introduce it the front just a little bit ilisitrgauized, aud
to its new home ; hadn't got his growth yet, his liugers sticking between every loaf of the
but he was "n, buster." And Nlrs. Bilder- book. And tho oo'igrogatiini hadn't faced
back tnoiight he was. Wheu he was untied the footlights half a minute bef(n-e the con-
he stool up and flapped one of his wings in gragatiou more than half suspected somotiiing
his proprietor's face, until that young gentle- . was wrong. For, you sec, the soprano, ia
man Was ready to "cross his heart' that attempting to answer tho fron/,iol whisper
somebody hud hit him with a clapboard. And ! of tho tunor in roganl to the page, l(>at the
before he had rocoverod from the effects of first two or throe words of the opening line
this blow the noble bird kicked iiim uu<Ier , herself, aud that left tiie alto to start off
the ch'n ami darted off to tho front yard alone, for the basso was so profoundly en-
with prodigious strides. He utterei^ a mosc gaged in watching tiie tenor and
awful croak as he uearod Mr.<. Bi|derbaok, wondoring^ wliat aUot^ him. that ho
wh^ was trying to got out of h|^ w*y^ ai^d, ; forgot to siug. 'J'ho music wasn't written
in avainatteinpt to Ay over her; lie struck ' for an alto solo, and oousequontly there

RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA.

wasn't very much variety to that part, and j
after singiiiu through the line aloue, and re- i
ceiviug neither applause nor boquets for one I
of the tiuest contialto eflbrts a Burlington |
or any other audience ever listened to, the
alto stopped and looked reproachfully at the ^
soprano, m ho had just plunged the tenor's
soul into a gulf of dark despair by leaving
him to tind his way out of the labyrinth of '
tunes and pages and hymns into which his |
headlciisuess hud led him, by giving him a [
frantic shake of her head, which unsettled i
the new spring bonnet (jubt the sweetest |
duck of a Korniandy), to that extent that |
every woman in the congregation noticed it. :
All this tin)e the organist was doing nobly,
and the alto, rtcovtiiiig her spirits, sang
another Itar, which, for sweetnets and tena-
cious adherence to the same note, all tiie
way through, couldn't he beat in America. ,
By this time tlie bats had risen to the emer-
gency ai.d sang two deep guttural notes,
with profound expression, but as those of
the congregation sitting nearest the choir
could distinctly hear him sing "Ho, ho 1" to
proper music, it was painfully evident that
the basso liad the correct tune, but was
running w ild on the words. At this point
the soprano got her time and started oft' with
a couple of contideut notes, high and clear as
a bird st ng, and the congregation, inspired
with an over-rtady confidence, broke out on
the last Mord ot the verf^c witJi a discoriiant
roar that rattloil the globes on the big chande-
lier, and as the versi; closed M'ith this triumph-
ant outbieak, an expression of calm, restful
satisfaction was observed to steal o\ er the
top of the pastor's head, which was all that
could be seen of him, as he bowed himself
behind the pulpit.

The organist played an intricate and beau-
tiful interlude without a tremor or a false
note ; not an uncertain touch to indicate
that there was a particle of excittmeut in the
choir, or that anything had gone wrong.

The choir didn't exactly appear to catcli
the organist's reassuring steadiness, for the
basso ltd ofl the stK nd verse by himself,
and his deep-toiud " Ho, ho !" was so per-
ceptible throughout the fcanct.)ary that
seveial people started, and looked down
under the seats for a man, an«l one irreverent
sinner, near the door, thiust a felt hat into
his mouth and slid out. The soprano got
orders and started out only three or four
words behind time, but she had'nt reached
the first siding before she collided with a
woman in the audience, running wild and
trying to carry a noM- tune to the old words.
And then, to make it worse, the soprano
handed her book to the tenor, and pointed
him to the tune on page 117 and words on
page 67, and if that uiibappy man uidn't gc*

his orders mixed, and struck out on schedule
time, with the tune on page 07 and the
words 3U page 117, and in less than ten
words ditched himself so badly that he was
laid out for the rest of the verse, and then
he lost his place, handed the book back to
the soprano, took the one the had, and held
it ujiside down, and no living man could tell
from his face what he « as tiii:}!>^ing of or
trying to say. Meanwhile the soprano,
wnen the books were so abiupt'v changed
on her, did just what might hi..e been ex-
pected, and telescoped two tunes and sets of
words into each other with ditastious eiiect.
The alto was running smoothly along, pas-
senger time, for the several wrecks gave her
the track, so far as it was cleai, all to her-
self. The basso who had slipped an eccentric
and was only working one side, was lumbling
cautiously along, clear of his own time, flag-
ging himself every mile of the way, and ask-
ing for orders eveiy time he got a chance.
The pastor's head was observtd to trtmble
with emotion, and the people sitting nearest
the pulpit say they could indistinctly hear
sounds from behind it that resembled the
syllables " Te, he !" As the organist pulled
and crowded and encouraged them aloifg to-
ward the closing line, it looked as though
public contideiice might soon Ic restored and
the panic abated, but alas, as even the de-
moralized tenor rallied, and caiiie in w ith the
full (juaitette (11 the last lir.e, a misguided
man in the audience siuUU uly thoU).ht he
recognized in the distracted tiioc an old, fa-
miliar acquaintance, and broke out in. a joy-
ous howl on something entirely different^ thai
inspired every singing man and woman in the
congregation with the same idea, and the
hymn wjis tinished in a terrific discord of
sixty-nine dillerent tunes, and the rent and
mangkd m^k dy tiapped and fluttered around
the sacred edifice like a new kind of delirium
tremens, and all the wrecking cats on the
I line were started for the scene at once.

The pastor deserves more inaite than can
be crowded into these pagiH tor pronouncing
the benediction in clear, evtn tones, without
even the ghost of a smile on his placid coun-
tenance.

Bupertlno'B Panorama.

Uur first view is leaving New York har-
bour. This is a beautuul picture. Sec the
mighty vessel, spreading her snowy wings to
the gale, ulide thiough the water like athiuu
of life. Tliere is nothing to hinder her, and
nothing iu tliat lact to make a fuss about.
But if the water was to jjlide throu^iih her, it
would be time for reflection on the brevity of
one's life insurance policy. The noblo ship ia
freidhted with precioua humau soula, bright

RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA.

hopes, happy anticipations, hides, salt meat
and highwines.

This is a view of the Bourse in Paris, a
twill institution to the Burhngton Board of
Trade. The man in tlie baokground, trying
to hang him.^elf, on a lamp-post, is a member
of the Bourse. He has just been Boursted.
He '..as beon opei'ating in corn. If you will
hold a Itottlo or small tumbler to your mouth
and look steadily at this picture, you will
see liow the\' usually operate m corn at tlie
Exchanges.

This is a view in ••'<gypt. The great city
of Cairo. It is named after ("airo, Illhi .is.
Cairo is on the river Nile. Cairo never
struck ile that we know of. but we do know
that Cairo seen Xi'j. We do not knosv,
history docs not tell us, wh;it there w-is so
important in this event, l)ut we know it is
commemorated by uiDnuments erected all
over America. You can't guiiito a cemetery
in the United .States without seeing one or
more raoniimeuta erect >d to the memory of
Cairo i''. Nile. He was probably the inven-
tor of a cooking stove, as some reference is
usually ma le to t)\e kitchen fire.

This is a view of the Seine. This is the
favourite place for the Parisians to shuttle off
theii mortal coil. The volatile Frenchman
gets himself full of elan (you know what that
is) and jumi)s off one of these arched bridges,
the Pont Xoiif oi- the Pont do .lena, down by
the 8hong de Mar. The zhong darmay,
which is French for river police, fishes the
victim out ; the coroner pronounces him in-
curably inseine, his property is confiscateil,
and his insurance policy declared void, so as
to spoil his wife's c'lances of marrying again.
Such is tlie grasp of an iron desootism upon
the wretched slaves of down-trodden Kurope.
(Applause.)

Here is a view in London of the old Buek-
iug'om palaee This is an exterior view.
Inside there art! several keno banks, some
chuckaluck tables and a faro bank, and the ;
nobility are in there bucking the tiger. \
King Richard (Mime out of the palace once,
cleaned out, after a run of bad luck. Ho ro- '
marked to a friend, " So much for bucking
'em." The quotation has passed into his-
tory.

A panoramic view of Scotland. The gen-
tleman in the peculiar position in the fore-
ground is scratching his back against a mile
post and remarking, "Clod bless the j^ude
Duke of .\rgyle." The children in Scotland
are taught that the Duke of Argyle made the
world. This is an error.

We stand among the antiquities of Rome
— Rome that stood on her seven hills, like
James Robinson in his famous eight-horse
bareback act. This is Trajan's Column—his
spinal ctJumn, This is the Arch of Titus.

When he put up that arch he was Titus a
brick. This is the place where the Roman
mobs used to collect and the police went
Forum. Here is the (.'oliseum. There is the
bloody sand of the arena ; there is the spot
where " the dying gladiator " lied. " I see
before ine the "lying gladiator lie." Some
calm and temperate Roman ought to have
cast the seoundrel's lies in his teeth. The
U(^nians were very depraved, wicked people,
and the entire civili/ed world yet suffers from
the effects (^f their malicious iuicjuity. They
invented the Latin grammar, Nepos, Cicero,
and Virgil, and hurled upon the boys of suc-
ceeding ages a language crmtaining ten rule^^
to every word, and twenty exceptions to
every rule. This is a statue of a noble
Ro/nan, .fulius C:esar. He was named after
the Fourth of July and Preside -it 'Irant.

We stand in Oreece. "The isles of
Greece I The isles of (Jroeoel" Probably
the poet referred to goose grease. The
( Ireeks were an ancient people. 'I'hey wrote
tiieir letters in cipher, and schoolboys of to-
day sigh for hours over their letters. Here
are tlie ruins of the temple of .fupiter
O'Lympus, erected to him by the ancient
Greeks, thus proving that the I rish nation
sprang from these ancient heroes. Kere is an
ancient theatre. It is elosed now for repairs;
has been closed for a few tliousaixl years, and
the actors have gone ofT to their summer
resort, at Hades on the Styx.

Behold buried Pompeii. The city was en-
tombed in an eruption that hadn't been
equalled since Job got well. The gentleman
in a military position at the gate, dressed in
a full suit of bones, is not only a charming
specimen of anatomy, but was a brave
sentinel, who was covered uj) with ashes
before he could run. He would have been
l,70o years old to-morrow if he had run and
kept on living. It appears, howef or, that he
is dead. The fact is not substantiated by
any dircef evidence, as no witnesses can
bo found who saw him die, and his
will, therefore, has not been probated.
But it is generally believed that he
is dead. Weep not for him, friends.
He was a heathen, and has gone where he it
probably used to volcanoes by this time,
i This iiuilding. the veneray)ie pile that rises
before you, is .SV.OOO years old. It orpinally
' cost $850, and took ton men nearly all sum-
! mer to build it, It w.<s whitewashed nearly
4,(MK) years ago, but receiv d no later re-
pairs. The room on the right as you enter
! the ball on the first floor, is the Torture
' Room. It is called the County Treasurer's
otflco, and is where [>eople go and mortgage
their farms and homes far taxes. The room
opposite is the County Insane Asylum. The
juries are confined here while on duty, and

MIDDL£RIB'S DOa

the local debating societies also meet there.
This court-house was built many ages before
Burlington was settled. The massive walls |
are engraved with the names of eminent ;
men who have served on the juries. \ grim ;
and imposing anti(iuity frowns up' us as |
we enter the Judgment Hall up stair.- The ^
benches and desks are made ot wood taken \
from the decks of the ark. The tobacco |
quids in the corners were piled there so long J
ago tlmt people had n(»t begun to remember |
anything. Tlie wood-box is a pre-Adamic
creation. It is modelled after the megather- |
ium. The enly man liviiig who kuOws any i
thin^ about the early history of the court- i
house is dead. 1

Mlddlerib's Dog.
Mr. Middlorib used to be a devoted dog
faucitr. About three years ago he owned a
beautiful hou)id pup about five months old.
It was considereti an ornament to the neigh-
"bourhood. A nouiid pup at that age is an
object of surprising beauty, under any cir-
cumstances ; but when you consider that Mr.
Middlerib liad raised his pup on scientific
principles (boiled l>eef and rice), you can
readily imagine what a canine divinitj' it
was. Gaunt legs longer than your gr&....-
father's stories, and the hind ones so crooked
that the dog sticks his foot into everything
in the yard, every time he tries to scratch
his ear ; sides look as though he had swal-
lowed an old hoopskirt, and the springs show
through ; more ribs under his hide than
there are spots on it ; tail as long as the dog,
and two inches across the big end and taper-
ing down like a marlinspike, so lean you can
count every joint in it, and so hard that you
couldn't scratcli it witiia diamond — hasevery
appearance of liaving been made ten years
before the dog was, and then lumg out to
blench in the rain and dry in the sun until
the dog came along ; ears soft as a kid glove,
and about the size and appearance of a
blacksmith's vpion- bear every evidence of
being consi icred by all otlier dogs in the
prti met .ns dreadful nice things to chew.
Beautiful eyp- ; open twenty-three hours and
rifty-nine im : utts of the day ; scare every
woman into iits that looks into the back yard
after dark. Sweet mouth, opens on a hinge ,
at the l>ack of his head, and is :
never shut unless there is something i
in it. That's the best pictare of a growing
hound, one of this kind with liver coloured
■pots, that we can draw, and Mr. Middlerib's
was just like this, only more so. His princi- i
pal characteristic was a tendency to lunch. I
He was fond of nibbling little thing<« around j
the house. Split his face one Sunday while |
the folks w«ire at church, and shut it down I
over a whole ham. Tiiked to peck at o<ld i

bones and scraps, and one Monday morning
he ate two tablecloths, a tiaitnel shirt, a bis
roller towel, half a dozen clothes pins and
thirteen linear yards of clothes line, before
the washing had been hung out half an hour.
Fond of eggs, too, and knows every heu by
sight in the neighbourliood, and sets otf on a
friendly call every time he hears a cackle.
Mrs, M. wants t ■• iell him, but Middlerib
says gold couldn't i<uy him. So he stays, and
eggs are as scarce in that ward as ever.

Well, one night, Mrs. M. had made tome-
thing by pulverizing a lot of very hot pota-
toes. We believe it was yeast. Any now,
it was necessary that it should cool very
presentl}', and after sonic misgivings relative
to the dog and his weakness, m hich were dis-
pelled by Middlerib's indignant defence of
that sagacious anim.-.l, ttie dish containing
the fiery compound was placed on the outer
edge of a wmdow sill, to cool in the night
air.

Then the family resumed their occupation
of hearing Middlerib explain the causes that
led to the recent revolution in politics.

Such a weird, unearthly, piercing wail
hadn't been heard since Dresseldorf learned
to play the clarionet. It seemed to come out
of the ground, cut of the sky, out of the air
around tliem, and for an instant the frighten-
ed Middleribs gazed at each other with white,
terror blanched faces. Then they rushed to
the door and looked out. A gaunt, ghostly
form, with liver colored spots and a mouth
full of red hot potato yeast thrashed wildly
up and down tiie yard, splitting the darkneaa
with terrific yells at every jump. It wat
Middlerib's dog, and it was apparently feel-
ing uneasy. It dashed madly around in
short circles and screamed " Police,'' and
scraped its jaws with its paws, and wept and
rubbed its chops along the cold ground, and
swore and howled for water, and pawed the
earth and sang psalms, and in several ways
expressed its disapprobation of potato yeaat
as a diet. Finally, the dog wedged himself
in between the fence and the ash-barrel, and
told all about it, how it happened and what
it felt like, and how he liked it as far as he'd
got. He never slept a wink that night. He
wastooanxioustoget his narrative completed
and see the proofs of it. Neither did any-
body in the neighbourhood sleep, either. And
everj' time a water pitcher would crash down
into the yard, or a boot-jack bang against the
fence or an andiron plunge madly into the
aah-barrel, the dog would laugh in mocking
tones, and go on with his testimony. About
midnight a vigilance committee waited on
Mr, Middlerib, but he wouldn't come out,
and they couldn t stand the noine long
enough to break in the door. The doe fiuiah-
ed his statement about sunrise^ when the

A BOY'S DAY AT HOME.

fr mormng
lirt, a biff
B pins and
ine, before
If au lionr.
;ry hen by
itu otf on a
a cackle.
MicltUerib
stays, and
ever.

lade some-
hot pota-
Auy uow,
cool very
gH relative
t were dis-
lefeuce of
t'Oiitaiuing
\ the outer
i the uight

occupation
^auHcs that
tics.

roing wail
orf learned

come out
of the air

le f righten-
ivith white,
r rushed to
nt, ghostly
1(1 a mouth
hed wildly
le darkness
J. It wac
rently feel-
around in
lice," and

1 wept and
round, and
[jawed the
.^eral ways
)tato yeast
id himself
tarrel, and

and what
far as he'd
light. He
completed

did any-
blier. And
rash down
gainst the
y into the
t mocking
'. About
waited on
come out,
oise long
ioff fiuish-
tvnen the

(ommittee rose. Tlie family ate baker's
bread the next day, and Middlerib so far
yielded to Mrs. M.'s entreaties as to say that
if any man will make a fair offer, he might
sell an undivided third of the dog.

A Boy's Day at Home.
Master Bilderliai;k liail lieeii homo all day,
confined to tiio Iiouhc and harn by the
rain, and excited by the pnispect nf nnlimit-
•d fun durinsr the hm;^ vacjitiion. He was a
blessing to liis inothur and sister, and his
affeccioiiate parent caiiylit hor death of cold
by runninL' uroiiihl al'ter liiin in uut^ stocking
foot, searching out the tender plaees in his
nature and anatomy with a hmr and a half
slipper. He tieil one end of liis sisfer's ball
of crochet cotton to the Hy-wlieel of the
sewing machine and the otlier around the
tail of the cat, and l)y the time his mother
had sewod half way down one of the long
seams in Mr. Bilderl)ack'a new shirt, all but
a few yards of that cotton was a chaotic
mass about that tly-wiieel and shaft, and the
cat was waltzing in and out of the
kitchen, spiawlin^ alonu backward, tail
straight as a poker, fur up and eyes aHame,
snowling, and spittiug, and swearing like
mad, and Mrs. Bdderback and her daughter
climbed upon the taViIe and shrieked till the
vrindows rattled, while Master Bilderbaek,
hid behind the clothes-horse in tiie kitchen,
lay down on his back and laughed a wicked
gurgling kind of a laugh. Then he went out
and jammed a potato into the nose of the
chain pump and the hireil girl went out and
pumped till her arms achod clear down
to her heels, and then told Mrs. Bilderbaek
the cistern had sprung a leak iind was dry as
a bone. And then Mrs. Bilderbaek, declar-
ing slie knew better, went ont and turned
the wheel till her head swam and she gave up,
and Miss Bilderbaek went out and turned
till she cried, and then Master Hilderback,
rather than go to the neighbour's for water,
went out and fixed the pump and came in to
be praised, and was duly praised with
the slipper, for he had l)een watched, lie
put an (dd last year's fire-cracker in the
kitchen stove ; he insured a steady run of
strange visitors for about two hours, to the
great amazement of his mother and sister, by
pinning a placard on the porch step, plainly
seen from the street, but invisible from the
front door, " Man wanted to drive carriage;
$35 a month and board." Mrs Bihlerback
drew a sigh of relief wrhen she heard Mr. B.'s
itep in the hall, and informed her son that as
aoou as his father came in he should be duly
informed of all that had been going on. A
moat impressive silence followed this remark,
and the trio in the sitting-room listened to
Mr. Bilderback's heavy breathing as he

divested himself of his wet boots, and pre-

Eared to assume his slippers. Master Biloer-
ack's face wore an expression of the deepest
concern.

Suddenly the silence was broken by a
shout of astonisliment and terror, followed
by a howl of intense agony, and there was a
clattering as of a runaway crockery wagon
in the hall. The affrighted family rushed to
the door, and beheld Mr. Bilderbaek cleaving
the shadows with wild gestures and frantic
gyrations. " TaKC it on," he shouted, and
made a grab at his own foot, but, missing it,
went ou with his war-dance. •' Water I ho
shrieked, and started, up stairs, three at a
step, and turning, came back in a single
stride, " Oh, I'm stabbed !" he cried, and
sank to the floor and held his right leg high
above his head ; then he rose to his feet with
a bound and screamed for the boot-jack, and
held Ins foot out toward his terrilied family.
"Oh, bring me the arnica!" he yelled,
and with one despairing effort he reached his
slipper and got it oft", and with a groan as
deep as a well and hollow as a drum, sank
into a chair and clasped his foot in both
hands. "Look out for the scorpion," he
whispered hoarsely, "I'm a dead man."

Master Bdderback was by this time out
in the wood- shed, rolling in the kindling in
an ecstacy of glee, and pausing from time to
time to explain to the son of a neighbour,
who had dropped in to see if there was any
innocent sport going on in which he could
share, "Oh, Bill," he said, "you woiddn't
believe ; some time to-day, somehow or
other, a big blue wasp got into the old man's
slipper, and when he come home and put it
on — oh. Bill, you don't know !"

Why Mr. Bostwick Moved.

Young Mr. Bostwick has moved. He
liked the house he has been living in well
enough, and Mis. Bostwick fairly cried her
eyes out when they left it, because it had a
bay window and blind with slats that you
could turn so that you could see anybody
in the street and nobody could see you.
But old Mr. Glasford, the landlord, was
very deaf, and it was on account of this in-
firmity that his tenant left the house. Mrs.
Bostwick said she couldn't see what Mr.
Glasford's deafness had to do with the house,
but her husband only looked worried and
said it made a good deal of difference with
a man's peace of mind, when he had some-
thing he wanted to whisper, and had to
whisper it to a man who couldn't hear any-
thing if he went into a boiler factory. Mrs.
Bostwick didn't understand what difference
it made anyhow, but then she wasn't down
town that terrible Wednesday, when old
Mr. Glasford went into the store where her

SPECIAL PROVIDENCES.

husband was selling a loTely young divinity j Bostwick groaned, and in a fit of de8p«ra>

from Denmark a dress pattern off a piece of | tion he broke down, and gave it up.

Centennial percale. Mr. Bostwick saw the | " I can't pay that rent to-day !" he shriek-

old gentleman coming and felt very nervous, ed, and the i)retty customer was so shocked

Eii^'er to anticipate the demand which be tliat she dropped her parasol, fan and paper

knew the old man was going to make, lie of gnni drops.

dasheil toward liim with an abruptness that : " What went to-day?" nskedtheold man,

astonislicd the fair customer who had just , waving Bostwick oil' with his stick.

l()at herself iu adniiration of Bostwick's i Here the proprietor otticiously interposeil

diamond pin, ami tlie fact, just confidentially to cover Bostwick'sconfusion, speaking iu the

iniparteil to lier, that he was not a clerk Imt, highest key he could assume.

the silent partner, holding about .■»!47"),0<)() " I'cnt ! Kent! House rent, you know!

worth of tttoik in the uoucern, and tliat ho He siiys he can't pay his himsc rent to-day I"

just wtirked from pure love of employment. "Kent day V" echoed old (tlasfonl, "yea,

Mr. Bo.stwick checked tlie old gentleman oh yes, tliat's past, two weeks ago ; first of

about ten feot away from his customer, and the month."

leaning ovor tiic counter so as to get as ch)sc " Vcs," .nhrieked Mr. Bostwick, while the

range ()n his ear ;;.-i possible, whispered stor. full of cust(mier8 xmd bis fellow clerky

a futile effort to cati b
ear, intending t(» pour
]toiirs water
• I I brisUl>

r as one
lii« landl

hoarsely that "it woiiMiVt be convenient to
pa}' tliat rent to-day. "

" I ley ?" shouted the old man, l...king at
Bostwicks agitated face in some alarm.
"why, why, whas tin: matter.' S hap-
pene I ':"

Mr, i'ostwick madp
hold of tlie old man's
his ex[)lanation into
into a funnel, but

dodged and waved Bostwick away with an
expression of considerable apprehension.
Mr. Bostwick groaned and endeavoured to
explain to the old gentleman in a manner
that Would convey to the pretty customer
and the others in the store the idea that he
was refusing to give the old party credit,
and at the same time old (ilasford knew
that ho was bankrupt.

'M'an't do it!" he shouted.

"Can't do what?" inquired the mystified old
gentleman in those stentorian tone.s so popu-
lar with deaf people.

"Can't help you ! " shouted Bostwick, in
tones the sternness of which contrasted lu-
dicrously with the sheepish expression of his l
countenance. "Can t do anything for you ! " |

The old man looked at Bostwick in a help-
less wonder and then at the door, with his
mind half made up to run away, under the
impn ssioii that tlie young man was crazy.
.He tiiially stared at him in opcn-moutheil
auiuzeiih lit and speechlcfs bewitdeniicnt.

"Oh, Moses," thnu;.;ht jkistyi |ii|l, "|it'i
jid as a hornet, he'll iircak oll|i ||| 8 hilmue:

dm aiiniu,

stood around and smiled, " I know it, but I
can't pay it to-day ; haven't got a cent I "

"(»h!" exclaimed the ohl num, with a
gleam of inteligenee passing over bis face,
•• I don't caie aliout that ; that isn't what i
• iUite lor. I came to tell yoU if your wife
wanted tliat front vooiu downstair" prei'ared,
to go jihead and bave it d«>ne, and \ \ albiw
it.

The pretty customer wouldn't have a word
to say to tlie di-ieoinlitcd Mr. Ho.st\\iek when
he went back, and the old man loUl the \>io-
niu'tor as he went out of the door that he be
lieveit that y^ung man was junt alxnit halt
erazy, and the clerks were all so pleaaai\t
that Bostwick nearly wont mad every time
he was reminded of his unfortunate precipi-
tancy, and that is the way he became con-
vinced that it was altogether lighter than
vanity to rent of a deaf man.

( anad as a hornet,
I tnou llr' will."
( In a voi.^e like a

Then he trie(
steam whistle.
1 I'lm't do anything for you ! "
The old man's mouth opened still wider,

!kud his eyes bIooiI around on his cheek bunea
n their amazement.

" Who asked you to do anything for me ?"
he finally gasped. "What is it ye can't

Special ProvldenceB.

There was wailing and woe in Burlingtown,

For every other day
The humid showers cametumbtinK down.

As ih y had come to stay.

Tliere was water enough in the land to spare ;

And men who were wont to prav.
When they looked in t tie cellar e«ich morn would
swear

And wrathfully turn away.

All out on South Hill they pumped and pumped

From morn till dewy eve,
Hut their every effort the storm-king trumped.

Ami laughed him in his sleeve.

Till the South Hill man his spirit was broke.

And he sate him down on his hill.
"Though T pump till my back cries out," he spoke

•• .Vv cellar still keeps its fill."

■' Now lithe and listen good pump of mine.

If ever I touch thee more,
May never again the bright snn shine

As it shone In the days of yore."

Then he took his pump and he hung it up
Where It piiKnt not naunt his sight,

And he drowned his grief in the poisonous cup
Which " moveth itself aright."

fit of deapera.
t np.

y !" he shriek-
a8 so shocked
an aud paper

the ohl man,
itiuk.

sly iiiterposeil
peaking; iu the

it, ymi kuDwl
rt.'iit to-«lay 1"

!;i.^toril, '• yt's, I
«;,'(> ; first tit

ek, while tlie
fellow clerk* |
now it, hut I
t a cent ! "
ninn, with h |
vrr his face,
. iau't what I
if your wife
air" prcrftretl,
antl I I all >w

t icive a won!
Kstwick when

ti>Ul the pro-
Kir that ho Vie
*t u\>iuit half

so pleasant
il every time
nato precipi-
became con-
lighter than

:lingtown,
^ down,

id to spare ;
I morn would

and pumped
ng trumped.

oa broke,
lit," ho spoke

f mine,
ae

( it up
isonoua cup

MR. BARINGER'S HOUSE-f'LEANlNU

And he vowed him that if the immortal goda
Would hold nil tlii'ir ruin for a wliile,

He'd bnild Mm ;i c<!lliirand take llie oddw -
On top of his domicile.

"For whul was the use," he grimly said.

" Of a collar in the g>'ound
Into the which, if \ m went for liicii't,

" You were preily sure lobe drowned i"

"I hate tlie cellar ; oh. winds of the south.

Thy I'ains. ns hiird as I ean ;
' ish 1 eould sirikc tluMu Imtli with udrouth.
xelaiiiied the .South ilill iii^u.

He lifter', his eyes to the city road,

A conilin,' lij-cure to sean.
^lui tt wild tiereo liuht in liisoptie.-> .glov\ed

When they |fli on the hated yaw man,

I He ciirricil hiH book and his railwiiy lamp

.\nd wore >■ sinister tiowi ;
.\ii>l he Houghi <Mii lu' meter in cellm> dnmp.
Villi h" no'isl ihe .igure<down.

And wh(!ther a man burned noich or •nail.

Or how often 'he gai* lUtoi » (»me.
Or wheiher they luriie<\ on ilieguw.il all.

The met r Jimleonn \v( the ^anu^

Sothomanof ,H\\ulh lUII, wUm« ho sik\« hhu
eome

Snpiitisinn Ovaf he hmleonie th
llou^'li iifuoianre, ^ tUd. in touen full «lum,

" Vtni cut otl'm) nas last unuith."

The gttM is\iuih" winked, and eke us he wnnk,

\[o <hvii>k his head knovvinglee,
.\nd aw though he8omethintfMU«nieion;dy thunk,

"We'll look at tlie uuiter, said he.

Then he opened the door of the cellar so damp,
And he stepped where the pump log had been.

And he went of HJght, with his book and his
lamp.
As the water he tumbled in.

" Oh, help ! " loud he shrieked as his noddle
came up.
" Hubbunbbnliip !" as his noddle went down.
While th^ man of South Hill on the cellar door
sill.
Was the happiest man in the town.

Splash ! Solash ! Bubbnlup ! in the cellar he
heard.
And Iw. hugged himself close in liis glee :
And whenever the gas man wou'i sputter a
word,
" Oh, eatcli hold of the meter ! " said he.

And he shut down the doors, and he locked
them no tight,

Anft into the well threw the key,
And. " Frovidpuee always and ever is right :

Rains and cellars are useful," said he.

Mr. Baringer's House-CIeajilng. '

You see, Mr. Baringer hasonly been keep-
ing house about a year, and they took the
carpets up this spring for their first i^^encral '
house-cleaninj^. Mrs. Baringer's motlier
wat9 there, because she said Olivia was a
mere child in such things, and she didn't be-
liere that Aristarohus was much better, and
it was better to have some one ayund who
could manage. The younsr people, however,

I felt very confident that they had, by numer-
ous consultations and many well-laid plans,
I reduced house-cleauing to a perfect science,
a system that had never yet been attiined by
i any ottier housekeepers, and they were all
impatient to get at work aud clean the whole
house, from garret to cellar, and have all
the pictures hack on the walls and carpets
nailed down again Vjcfore dark. They were
diseustfnl at tlie way other peojile cleaned
hnu.se, and Olivia thought it was ]ierfectly
woiiilerful how Ari.starchus could have such
lieaii. fully lucid and systematic ideas on
matters of \viiicli most men, and she would
Hay ii'ost women as well, were so di plorably
stupi'l and ignorant.

The stirrinji notes of the alarm clock
dragged Mr. Baringer out of bed at ."^ilS
A. M., aud ii> thought he felt intolerably
sh'epy for rive o'clock, but he didn't look at
the clock uitil he was tlreKsed. and then he
»va8 too Iliad to swear. He merely woke Mrs.
IVirin^er up n." tell her he'd lict a tliousand
<l(jllars Some wtupid had clirmged tli :il'\rm
aft<ir he set it and then ho Hoppeil down
oil a ]ouuge to sleep till daylight.
He awoke at half - past seven o'clock,
the h<Hi'i- at which, hy tlioir pre-
arranged system and calculations, ttio two
up-stairs l^^-d-room carp«?tH were to have been
iieaten and ."-eady to put down as soon as the
Huors were nry. rhen the kituheu hre went
out twice, and they rinally sat down to
breakfast at half-past eiglit o'clock, Mrs.
Baringer's mother bej^iiling the time during
that matin meal hy iw*king Olivia if she
minded how she used to be half through her
house-cleaning by nine o'clock in the morn-
ing. But M Baringer bore up very well
under it, and immediately after bn akfa.it, he
took up the bed-room carpets. It was slow
work, jerkiog the tacks out one at a time.
Some times they ilew up into his face ; some
times he pulled the head otl' and left t->' tack
in the door ; and when they got to be rather
thickly scattered around the room he putliis
knee down on one occjisionally and talked in
a fragmentary maimer about i eiT in mill
privileges in connection with lionsekte) ng
which Mrs. Baringer couldn't understand.
At last he noticed that by lifting up the edge
of the carpet, a gentle pull wonld r.riug up
half a dozen tacks in rapid kuii tgsion.
Happy thought. He rose to his leot. _'-r--ted
the bound edge of the caroet in both hauds-
gave a mighty lift and a tremendous pull
k-r-r-r-r-r t ! and when the dust settled a
little, Mrs. Baringer and her mother were
discovered standing in the door, looking in
speechless horror at Mr. Baringer, who stood
like an image of despair, holding a '.arpet
with a fringe in one hand, and a long line of
carpet binmng in the other.

AN AUTUMN REVERIE.

yon

Id it?" ahriekeii Mrs. " and maybo you ilidii't tear the carp

stairs, either/' . ff*;

'• I wish yctur old car|»ot was in Hali ".** *. |
he said, savagely. " Pick up that end ; }"I{ |
get throught it. This is sweet w«rk I '* .*l
dry-^'oods'saleHinan, anyhow ! Kea»ly ? 'f rooKB|

"Ho A- did
Baringer.

" How ev"7- did you do it !" echoed Mrs.
Baringer's mother.

Then they both said something al)out the
general incapaoit}' of a man, and Mr. Barin-
ger endeavoured to explain that in going
•cross the room for the tack hanimer lie had
caught hid foot in the odge of the carpet, with
the result as abovo. And at, the ccmclusion
of his ex])hiii.ation, Mrs. Baringer s mother
gave a snill tli.at blew dust out of the i;arpet,
and there was a general expression of
incredulity on the faces of the con^'rega-
tion.

It was a long time before they got the
carpets down in the yard, and on the line.
Then Mr. B;iringerapproaciied and smote the
first carpet with a long stick, and the next
instant he was feeling his way out of a <lense
cloud of dust, coughing, sneezing and snort-
ing and wildly gasping for air. He went around
on the other side, and as he aimed a terrilic
swipe at the carpet, ho struck the clothes i
prop, and his nerveless arm stung and tingled
to his nook, while his wail was luard down
to the city building. Then he got at it again,
and found that his stick was too li),ht, nnd
he took another one. A few strokes sufficed
to convince him that it was too heavy, and
he took a lath. That broke in two at the
first blow, and he tried an apple switch, but
it was too limber. He finally gave up the
idea of beating any more, and called to Mrs.
Baringer that the carpet was ready to be
shaken. Mrs. Baringer, with her head in an
apron, came out. They gathered the carpet,
and Mr. Baringer got the start of her and
shook a roll clear down to her hand-s, explod-
ing in a loud snap and a volcano of dust in
her face. Then she dropped the carpet
and sneezed and protested.

" You shook too quick, deary," she
said.

"But you said you were ready, sweety,"
replied Mr. Baringer.

"But you needn't be so rough, lovey," she
protested.

"Well, I have to shake hard to get the
dast out, ducky," he insisted.

"Well, you needn't be so cross about it,
deary, " she said.

" Oh well," he said, " you must expect
hard work house-cleaning days, and you
musn't lose your temper, sweety."

" It isn't me that gets cross and jerks peo*
pie around, lovey," she said, "it's you."

"I never jerked you around,^' he re-
torted.

" Why, Aristarchus Baringer! " excla,imed
his wife, making very large eyes at him and
speaking in tones of the greatest amacement,

"Ao," she snapped, " 1 ain't ready.

)r
,1

wait. There.

now : don t

HoM on
such a hurry. Now!"

And the next instant the carpet
snapped out of her hands, and it did seei
tliough her fingers had gone ^^•lth it, v
Mr. Baringer, pretending not to know
it had fallen from her ringers, kept on s
ing violently at his end, tilling tlic air
dusC and grit. At this juncture Mrs.
inger's mother, who had been a quiet spi
tor of tiie carpet ihaking scene, approat
and i;:ille I on him to desist. Then she gatl
ed up the vacant end of the carpet.

" Aristarchus," she said kindly but tin
" Olivia is not strong enough for .-iuch woi

'I'heii she added :

" Have you got a good hold, Aristarchii

And Mr. Baringer said he had,

" Don't lit go then, AristarcL
Heady."

They lifted tlieir arms high in the air a
Mr. Baringer is undecided yet which part
him started lirst. He walked up the wl
length of that carpet on his hands and tl
he fell over the edge and banged along
walk on his hands and knees until he reac
the front fence, through which he plun,
his head, and would have gone on throi
but for his shoulders catching against
gate post. Tilt! carpets did not go do'
that day, and a big Irishman was engaged
come and welt the fuzz off them, Mr. Bi
inger having privately and with some asper
informed his wife that \ie would rather li\1
sleep, and eat in dirt up to his eyes, t'
ever again to sweep, beat, or shake tl
lightest carpet ever trodden by the foot
man

bfory- .

ghosts!

every

that 1|

drowsj

neaa,

bed,

'd'ut

hair

inutHel

tivelyl

only

close!

can tl

place

An Autumnal Reverie.

"Oh dreamy haze: veiling the raurmuri
river that stretches away hke a silver thre«
under a mosquito bar, windiii'^ in woodc
nooks and creeping through low lying islano
where the balmy breeze is redolent with tl
odour of dead leaves and dead fish.
lovely haze; what dreams of soulful tende
ness its name recalls. Oh, musty hays in tl
street car; oh, hays that used to be fall (
bumble bees; oh, hazel nuts on another man
farm with a big dog hid in the patch. Awa;
these memories are too painful.

" Afar, the hillsides glitter in gold tol
scarlet, and the sumach bashes, olimbine tl
slope with their nodding plumes, look lik^
new exj^ess waggon coming down Diviswi

in tht
plaint
seven
take
(This
and n
" V

days-
dark
tUatl
dark
woul(
bring
tiling
out,
knoc
isn't
we b
Uke
drap
scat)

busi
sane
cup
and
pui

WOI

edi
thii
tha

AN AUTUMN UEVEKIB.

t tear the carpJ

••I'et was iij Hali|
*ick up tlifi; end;

is sweet work
yhow ! Keady ?

i ain't ready.
n now; dont l.|

^iit thf) carpet
N ami it (lid see
gone v.ith it, \\\
ig not to know
I'^'era, kept on s

filling the air
juncturt! .VI ra.
been a quiet spuj
K scene, approan

Itreet. The mellow air l)riugs into the city
;lie ru8tle of fallen leaves piled <luep on
iuding uow-patht), threading through quiet
lella and winding along the side of purling
irooks. It brings an odour of something
)Id. Because it blows over the cheese fac-
tory.

How faint and far oil' uvery sound. The
Ighosts o' the dead sununer tiowers sigh in
Icvery hn /»;, and tho piiantoin ot the cow
Ithat I'lUted the freight train ♦^inklea her
drowsy lietl afar. Ami in ntutlleil tender-
ness, as a falling star ini<4lit diop on a feather
'bed, we hear the teamster's cheery call,
(J'up V ye liip-eared spavin, 'r 111 Inm the
hair off ye witli a (ii.-iy pin.' And the
muffled creak of the W(i( I waggon falls plain-

t. I'lien she gati tively on the ear. Eigut dollars a cord, and

the carpet.

i<l kindly but Hi

>U!.'h for such woi

liohl, Aristarchii
he had.
hen, AristarcL

high in the air .
(1 yet wliicli part
liked up the wl
lis hands and t
I banged along
lees until hereac

which heplun,
e gone on throi
Jtching against

<Ud not go do
lan was engaged
"them, Mr. B,
with some aspen
would rather liv

to his eyes, t
^t, or shake tj
'1 l>y the foot

overle.

ig the murrauriil
ke a silver fchr
adin- in wood^
low lying island
adolent with tlj

dead fish.
•f soulful tendel
lusty hays in tlj
ed to befall
on another man j
»e patch. Awaj
ul.

ter in cold
68, ch'inbing t
mes, look lik^
down Diviafon

only cut three feet long at that, and piled so
closely that when you go to measure it you
can throw a felt hat tluougli the pile any
place and never touch a stick.

" List to the jilaintive pijjing of the (lUtil
in the stublde. Ah, (juail on toast, and the
plaintive pijiing of the anxious waiter for
seveuty-tive cents, Avaunt, dull dotard,
take thy blank shadow from the lairy scene.
(This remark was addressed to the waiter,
and not to the quail on toast.)

" Why, in thfoc dreuuiy ^uk autumnal
days — we don't know what kind of a day a
dark day is, but we wanted another word
that begins with d and could only think of
dark and another one, and the other one
wouldn't do at all ; these kind of days then,
bring with them a sad— a sad — sad some-
tiling, we knew what it w as when we started
out, but stopping to explain about that dark
knocked it clear out of our head ; sad — it
isn't sadiMe, nor Sadduceo, nor — ah yes, now -
we hare it. These dreamy days, that come
like a tender poem, veiled in the delicate |
drapery that hangs over the distant land-
scape, bring with tnem "

At this critical juncture a man with a
business-like look in his eye burst into the
sanctum, slapped his hat down on the paste |
cup, banged a sample case on the ink stand, j
and proceeded to remark in one long un- ;
punctuated sentence, "Good morning not a I
word my dear fellow I know the value of an I
editor's time I wish you just to glance at '
this prospectus of the most valuable woi k I
that has ever been issued from the American
press it is the American Centennial Portrait i
(Jallery and yon will observe contains ex- 1
quisita steel engravings full page of all the i
Presidents with the autograph of each ap- )
pended and complete biographical sketohas. i
Observe that engraving of Washington
through this glass if you please bank note
•ucraviog not more pei^ect not a single line
crossas or becomes merged into another on*

what expression what fidelity to nature
what marvellous portraitup.' v\liat minuta
attention to detail. Notice the iolds in th«
cloak and the ez((uisitely pencilled pattt^rn of
the ruffles at the wrists. And so with An.^ms
and Jefierson and Madison and Monroe and
Jackson and all the rrst of tliem with l>io-
graphical sketches compiled from the best
authorities with facts incidents and rtndnis-
cences never before pu')lishud — a l)ook that
no American of intelligence should be with-
out a book without a rival in its field of
patriotic biographical excellence. In differ-
ent styles of binding— .^rJi Oi), ^i M, and
$4 'it"). Now, sir, shall I have your name
right here ?"

We felt all around the room before we
could catch our breath, and when we re-
gained it we told liim we didn't believe we
could put ^ 25 worth of signature anywhere
that morning, and after a struggle of lifreen
or twenty minutes with him, we got him
close enough to the stairway to pusii him
over the railing and hear<l hini reach the
ground door and dit'appear into the street
and around the corner witli the lou;,' intro-
ductory sentence of his prospectus trailing
after him like the dribbling shower of a run-
away street sprinkler. And we went on
with the dreamy, sad, sweet reverie :

' ' The tender song of a day whose world-
less beauties haunt the mystic scene; the
dreamy, vague, imperfect memories that
bring '

A man with a black coat and a hi<^h hat
came softly into the sanctum, and after he
laid a flat oil cloth case on the table, he lilted
his hat off with both hands an<l said, speak-
ing in soft anil distressingly deliberate tones,
and articulating with awful distinctness and
precision :

"Ah — is the editor in ?"

We imparted the desired information, and
the deliberate man went on,

"I have taken the liberty to call on a
matter of some importance to yourself, as
well as to the great masses of the American
people. I have here the artist's proof of
a new ker-romo entitled 'Columbia.' It is
a Centennial allegory, and is designed by
Mr. Alfred Reynolds 'Vincenzo Fitzdaub,
one of the most eminent artists of America,
at immense outlay of time, labour and money.
The tube colours used on the original paint-
ing alone cost seven dollars and a half, while
the oan • vas, when prepared and stretched
for the pict • ewer, was worth nearly double
that sum. Here ,vou see, we have in the
foreground Columbia, her sandalled feet rest-
ing upon the broking canning to signify that,
war is no more. At her right hand sits the
American eagle, ger-rasping the olive b«r-
ranch of peace in his talents, and lifting nis

.«••

IMAGE EVALUATION
TEST TARGET (MT-3)

£/ /a

«r

^#/

^l
^

1.0

I.I

£ US 12.0

11.25 111.4

■HI

1.8

'^i

Photographic

Sciences

Corporation

^ ';^''^
^.V

23 WIST MAIN STREET

WEBSTER, N.Y, MSSO

(716)873-4503

^"#^'

AN AUTUMN REVERIE.

wings as though pluming himself for fe-light.
Here on the left we have the artisin in
working - dress, the statesman, the teacher,
the farmer, the sai • leure, representing the
various callings, and here rushes a train of
cars, while iu the background an old-
fashiouod stage cf)ach is disappearmg, il-
lustrative of the perrogeress of the past
hundred years. The original painting is
valued at S2,500, but these ker-romoswe
supply for $18 a piece, mounted ready for
framing. No man of culture or artistic taste
can afford to be without this ker - rorao.
The eye of a e >nuoisseur can not distinguish
it fer-rom an oil painting. Observe the trau-
spareuey of the atmosphere; notice the soft
natural blending of tlie high light and middle
tint nito the hazy shadows of the backger -
round, and the bold effects of the heavy
cul - louds tliat overshadow the past, where
the dim edges are (silvered with tiie sunlight
that ber - reaks fer-rom the veil of the few -
chewer. And here, yf*" observe, is a blank
tablet at the right of the rigewer of Columbia,
for a family record. Only eighteen dollars.
They will be ready for delivery about the
first of Jewen, and if I may have the plea-
sure of seeing your signature in this book,
just here, it will cost you but thetrifling sum
of eighteen <lollars, and establish more fully
the reputation you have already acquired as
a man of culture and relined taste."

We got rid of him after a heated session
of about half an hour, and he went away,
mourning over the depravity of a man who
had acquired a reputation for culture and
refined taste under false pretences. Then
we resumed :

"Over the distant hills, hushed
misty haze that hangs like a veil of
over the motionless landscape, and
clouds, like drifting air - ships on the
expanse of melting blue, bring the

iu the
peace
fleecy
broad
sweet

A man with a mahogany box came iu and
sat down, and talked as he opened it, and
displayed a variety of phials and boxes.

"The p'^ofession of literature, my dear
sir," he said, "is of all others under the
ban of the fell destroyer, dyspepsia, and it is
especially in the spring of the year that
literary woi'kers suffer most keenly from ita
dreadful effocts. An ounce of prevention,
etc. — you know the old saying. Now I
can see by your lieavy eyes that you are
at this moment suffering from headache. This
" Centennial Cordial and Amerioac Indian
Aboriginal Invignrator" is one of the latest
and most valuable discoveries in the world
of medical science, and has popitively no
^ eqnal for the cure of junndice and all manner
of liver diaorders, headache, indigestion, want
of appetite, dyspepsia, bilious, remittent *nd

! intermittent fevers, ague, giddiness of t
! head, rheumatic affections, poverty or i'
I purity of the blood, salt rheum, teethiii
i cholera morbus, croup, ophthalmia, asthni
! hay fever, sea-sickness, diphtlieria, catarr
j toothache, sleeplessness, gray hair, piniplt
: tan and freckles, kleptomania, emotional i
' sanity, growing pains, stone bruise, rattl
; snake bites, jim-jams, katzeniammer, tij;
; boots, bad breath, warts, soft coins, o
clothes, tailor's billS; spring fever and a:
I other ills to whiih human flesh is heir. Con
' pounded purely of herbs and the lines
I cologne spirits, and selling at the ridiculou;-
ly low price of i$l.7o per bottle. Now sii

; let me "

j And we let him out of the door r.nd h
went away, after marking us for the toinb i
a few short weeks. And then we tried i
: get back to our reverie.

" The sweet daj's come and go, in halloa

ed rythmic cadences, like the half for^'ottt i

' chords of some tender, sobbing nocturm

' while they bring the "

' "No, sir, this is not the tobacco factor\
' it's the next building up the street. — Thaiil
\ heaven, he's gone. "

" bring the sad yearnint; of a restless

heart, that reaclic? out amid the hccti
flushes of the dying year, as it would clas;

the "

" No ma'am, we don't want to buy 'Th
Centennial Gift Book for young Ladiesi ;' m .
we have no young lady friends ; we have n
friends of any kind ; wo have no sisters, o
brothers, or relations, we have no money, v<
have no literary taste, we have no desire t
read anything ; we can't read, and we don
know anybody who can. "

" amid the hectic flushes of the dyia;

year, as it would clasp "

"Have no use for a flytrap, sir; duu
keep house ; ain't married ; don't exptict i
be ; haven't seen a fly in Iowa for a thousani
years."

lame

>?o, si

-the hectic flushes of the dying 3 oa;
as though "

" No, no, no ! this is not the barber shop
No, we don't know where the barber-shop is
there is none in this block ; there are no bar
bers in Burlington ; the nearest barber -shoj
IS at the North Pole. No, sir, you needu
apologize, we are not annoyed. Oood after
noon, sir."

" amid the dyinq flushes of the hocti'

year whose pulses throb so faintly that

"No, we don't want any 'Wonderful Sa
ponifier and Dirt Eradicator for the Toilet
and Laundry.' No, we have no family, au«i
we never wash ; never heard of such a thinp
I as a bath ; don't want to be clean ; never
shave, never olean oor naila, and have on th>>

jyear

iiv, wl
lotht'
don't I
(iovd

t)ing ll
In tint

' iNc
;he
thf
From I

,d m

nice,
tcrruj

iiioue(l
'i,:ui'
we on
Afigh
iKin i
tins y

.lute <
-tweet
oloud
and t'
i,y PJ
;uigel
and b
ija's c;
little
with i
1.1 pen
sn!:»vi

Mr
sweel
w ho <
Ithtl

sti

sible

i;hilr

ter a

I'i

\Nef

old,

nuig

and

wlie

hire

and

plat

exc!

him

(/■

e, giddineaa of ti
ns, poverty or ir
b rheum, teethin
phthalmia, asthin
iputlieria, catarr
gray hair, pimpli
aui;), emotional i
bone hnijse, i-att]
itzenjainmer, tij;,
', soft eoin.s. o
ring fever and a
Heshis lieir. Coir
)s and the fines
at the ridiculou'-
bottle. Now Hi I

F tlie door r.nd h

us for the tomb i

tlien we tried (

wd go, in hallos,
bho liaif for„^)tt( i
obbing nocturm

tobacco factoix
le street, — 'l'hai!l

ninrr of a roatlcss
mid the h(n;tii
' it ^yould i'!,a:;

tut to buy 'Til
ung Ladiefi ;' n.
ids ; we have n
^e no sisters, o
ve no money, m^
ave no desire t
d, and we doii^

les of the dyin-

trap, sir; <iou
don't expect t
a for a thousam

the dying yea;

e barber-shoji
barber-shoi) rs
lerr are no bar
Bst barbershof
ir, you needn
Oood after

of the heoti
ntly that—

Wonderful Sa
for the Toil.!t
no family, aii.i
I such n thiiip
I dean; never
id have on th«'

INFANTILE SCINTILLATIONS.

«>?».(

lame shirt we wore the day we were born,
JJo, sir. Yes, sir. Good afternoon. "

' amid the flying duahes of the pulsing

year whose hectics faint so throbly that "

' ' Yes, sir, this is The. Havkeye office. No,
3U', we do not buy sand ; no, we have no old
(jlotlies to exchange for tin ware ; no, we
dout want any superior stove blacking.
f/o«f/ afternoon, sir."

'- — —amid the dusting tisLes of the throb-
bing hectics whose painted ear ia tbrooming
In tlu! gulch, so faintly lleani the glib and

[Note by the editor. We entered

he oflice at this point and found

the writer of the above in convulsions.

Fiom the ravings of his delirium we gather-

I'd that he was trying to write something

nice, and was tormented by innumerable in-

tcrruptions. Medical assistants were sum-

liiuned, and we were told to keep the young

'iiui's head cool and he would get «ell. So

we cut it off and had it packed in ice. It

\ eighed two and a half ounces. The young

nan is doing nicely and will not need it again

this year.]

Infantile Scintillations^

Ah, yes, we do love children. We fairly
lute on them, and enjoy and admire their
sweet, innocent ways, from the dear little
olf^udy-faced bare legged cherubs that swear
mill throw stones at you as you go past Hap-
jiy Hollow, to the sweet-faced but pampered
•uigil that sits in the golden lap of luxury
and breaks the mirrors and your head with
i>a"s cane. It was purely our love for the
little innocents that induced us to comply
with the urgent request of many parents, and
upon a department in The Havkeye for the
sn)art sayjngs of precocious children.

Mrs. H— y B— k, of North. Hill, has a
sweet little rosebud, of four bright summers,
wlio c.une into the house and lisped, "Ma,
Iththutheepy."

" What makes you sleepy ?" asked Eose-
^1 'is mother.

■ I don't know," munnured the child.

strange yearning after the iucompreheu-
sille in an infant heart. Could any of the
iliildn n of an older growth have made a bet-
ter atiswer ?

liien there is little Freddy L , out on

V\ fst Hill. Although he ia but thres years
old. hf nut his father's watch in the shaving
mug, idled the mug out of a kerosene lamp,
and aet the ^mixture in the oven to dry,
w here it presently dried — soon after the
hired girl mado up the breakfast tire— with
sucli abruptness chat three of the stove
plates haven't been found since. After the
oxcilement had subsided, his mother took
him on her lap, and said:

"Freddy, did you put papa's watch and the

mug full of oil in the oven ?"

And the dear child, opening wide his in-
nocent eyes, and smiling in tender confidence
in her face, said placidly :
" No ma'am 'deed I didn't."
Sweet, cautious instinct of an untried heart.
Could any of us get out of it any better than
that ? Who can tell what vague, uncertain
dreams of congressional honours float thrrngh
that busy little mind 'i

Johnnie K- is a charming little cherub

of four bright springs. One day he poured
the ink into the globe where the gold-fish
were, submerging them instantaneously in
total eclipse ; then he put the Bible in the
fire, threw a bronze paper w eight through
the looking glass, broke four eggs in his sis-
ter's new hat, and wound up his artless
sport by throwing the cat down the cistern.
His mother, seeing all this n.iscbief, sus-
pected who was the author, and sought lier
son.

" Johnny," she said sadly, " Why did you
act so naughty V"

" I didn't," he persisted. ""Deed, muzzy,
it was ze cat!"

iSweet child! Does it need the prescience
of a pr(>phet to see that he will some day

I make an excellent witness in a great scandal

I case ?

t 'I hen there i.s another sweet little tid-

j toddler out on Seventh-street. The other
day one of his parents, the female one, put
him to sleep ami laid him in his little crib,
and then she rair over the street to ask Mrs.
Muldoon how she washed flannels, and got
to talking about the last funeral, and the
mission circle, and the new preacher, and
forgot all about the baby, and when she went
home there that dear little blessed was fiat
on his back, with his little crib lying on top
of him, and he yelling like a scalded pig.

Ah, the wild, weird ventures and dreams
of child life. Try it gray-haired man ; see if
you can fall out of bed and flop your bed-
stead, slats, springs, mattress and all, on top
of you as you laud on the floor. You can not
do it, but the tid-toddler of three sweet
summers — ah, well, who shall say how their
untried instinct shames the lore and know-
ledge of our elder years.

Settling under Diffioultles
Strangers visiting the beautiful city of
Burlington have not failed to notice that
one of the handsomest young men they meet
is very bald, and they fall into the usual er-
ror of attributing this premature baldness to
dissipation. But such is not the case. Thia

Soung man is one of the most exemplary
ible-olass scholars in the city, went to a
Baptist sociable out on West Hill one night

ii8'

HAWK-BTETEMS.

about two years ago. He escorted three I
chaiminj^ gii'ls, with angelic countenancea i
and Immau appetites, out to the refreshment ;
table, ]«t them eat all they wanted, and then ,
found 110 had left hia pocket-book at home,
and a doat" man that he had never seen be-
fore ac the cashier's desk. The young man,
with his face allame, bent down and said i
softly,

' ' I am ashamed to say I have no change
with "

" Hey ? " shouted the cashier. '

"I regret to say." the young man repeated '
on a Utile louder Icey, " that I have uufor- i
tuuately coiue away without any change i
to "

"CliMige two?" chirped the old man, '
"Oh, yes, I can changa live if you want it.'" '

"No." the young man explained in a ter-
rible, vutiefcrating whisper, for lialf a dozen |
people were (^i'owtlmg up beliind him, impa- i
tieut to' pay their bills and get away, "I:
don't Wiut any change, because "

"Oh, dou't want any change?" the deaf,
man cried, gleefully. " 'Bleeged to ye,'
'bleege I to ye. 'Taint often we get such
genonma donations. Pass over your bill. ' ,

'•No, no," the young man explaincil, " 1 ■
have no fund?! "

" Oh, plenty of fun, ' the deaf man replied,
growing tired of the conversation and notic-
ing the long line of people waiting with
money in tUeir hands, "but I haven't got
time to talic about it now. Settle and move <.
on."

" But," the young gasped out, " I have no i
money "

"Go Monday?" queried the deaf cashier. !
" I don't care when you go ; you must pay i
and let tfiese other people come up. " ;

" I iiave no money 1 " the mortified young i
man shoutel, ready to sink into the earthy
while the people all around him, and especi-
ally the three girls he had treated, were gig- 1
mg and eliuckling audibly. i

"Owe money? "the cashier said, " of I
course you do : S'2.75.

" I can't pay ! " the youth screamed, and
by turning liis pockets inside out ami yelling
his poverty to the heavens, he tinally made
the deaf man understand. And then he had 1
to shriek Ins full name three tim< ), while his |
ears fidrly ran^,' with the half-stifled laughter j
that w.ia lireaking all around him : and he 1
had to scream out where he worked, and
roar when he would pay, and he couldn't get |
the deaf nan to understand him until some I
of the churcii members came up to see what
the uproar vas, and lecognized their young
friettd, audiuade it all right with the cashier.
Ad(1 theyquug man went out into the night
and clubbed himself, and shred hia loekii
awtvy until he was bald as an cgg«

Hawk-E]rtem8.

Homebody told Billinger that stamps wer«
not required on notes, and Billinger, overjoy-
ed, asked the crowd to drink, and said ho
pitied old Gunny})ags, who had been trying
for six months to (>et the stamps on a note ho
holds against Billinger. Billinger says he
knew he would get the law on the old gouge
if he held on long enough,

' ' Put out, Bill ! " shrieked an engineer's
son to one of his playmates, a brakeman's
boy, who was in imiuineut danger of getting
smashed by his mother, whowascoming after
him, " Git on the main line and give her
steam I Hero comes the switch engine ' "'
But before the juvenile could get in motion,
she had him by the ear, and he was laid up
with a hot box.

A North Hill man refused to give his boy
thirty -five cents to go to, the minstrels, be-
cause the entertainment was demoralizing
and vulgar in its nature. He then bought a
quarter's worth of chewing tobacco, want
IioDio and read up the IVaPxh/ Moral Guiife
(Uid Guardian, and spat all over the front of
tlie Pto\'e, and mside the parlour smell so
iiinch like a stale bar-room that the baby had
three whiskey fits before ten o'clock.

A yoniig editor out iu Floyd County, gush-
hvt, overliis first, asks, "Did yon ever watch a
de.wlittlj ])aby waking from its morning nap?:'
N-not exactly ; but we have watched a dear
littk l)aby'3 fond pa gliding up and di \vn
the fireless room, trjdng to induce the dear
little Ijaby to take a mornhig nap, at 2:15 A.
M. — pressing offers but no takers— which was
about as much fun as it can be to see the
baby wake.

A man out on Summer-street has eight
di'.ughters, and v/hen they cleaned house last
spring, the woman raked 9,724 quids of
chewing gum down from tiie window casings,
chair backs, door panels and sofa backs, the
accumulation of the past winter. And this
does not include the wads which the man, at
various times sat down on and carried away
ou the tails of his coat, for which no accurate
returns have been made.

I'iveryVjody thought it was a match, and so
did he, and so did hIic. One evening at a
croquet party she hit her pet corn a whack
I with the mailet that sounded like a torpedo,
and lie— -he laughed. " We meet as
strangers," she wrote on he.- cuff and showed
it to hitn. " Think of me tea no more," he
whispered huskily, and when the g»4)<e* wan
elided h» rushed down t» the Misiiiiiippi*
and drowned f.

"daloon. fSoiTom

HAWK-EYETEMS.

at stamps wer«
linger, overjoy-
k, and said ho
ad been trying
ips on a note lie
linger says he
the old gouge

an engineer's
a brakemau's
nger of getting
as coming after
and give her
itch engine ' "'
get in motion,
le was laid up

give his boy
minstrels, be-

1 demoralizing
then bought a
tobacco, want
' Moral Gaiilc.
er the front of
"lour smell so
t the baby had
'clock.

County, gush-
u ever watch a
morning nap?''
'atched a dear
jp and di \vn
luce the dear
ap, at 2:15 a.
rs— which was
be to see the

eet has eight
ned house last
'24 quids of
ndow casings,
ifa backs, the
ir. And this
h the man, at
carried aw.ay
sh no accarate

natcli, and so
jvening at a
>rn a Vrhack
ke a torpedo,
""e meet as
F and showed
o more," he
le gatti^ Wan
MisilMSippi*^

Id Middlerib came home one night and
tred a light lunch before going to bed.
1st a mouthful of tea and a l)it of bread,"
jxplaiued. " Do you want just plain
id?" asked Mr^i. M., with reference t(i
Jpre.iouce or absence of nuttei". Ami the
Ireprjbate said iio would take one pi(ice
in, and the other witli a looped overskirt,
pad down the gore-i with the aame, and
in place witli knife pleatings of
)t! jelly. He got the lieol of the loaf.

') wouldn't be sucli a (.'livistiau as you

fohti," Slid his wife, a.s .she stood in tlie

iway, dressed for churcli. "You could

nth me very well, if you wantcl to."

low can I?" he half sobbed. "There's

wood to be split, and tlie coal to be

relied over to the other side of the cellar,

[Wby to be dressed, and no disliea washed

Idinner yet." "Ah, I didn't think of

she murmured thoughtfully, and,

^ig her new cloak a fresh hitch aft, sailed

l^oue.

pne night last summer a tired, di.scournged
out on North Hill went home and llung
liself down on a lounge, and said " lie
led he were dead, dead, dead." In two
Irs he was writhing in a premature and
leasonable attack of cholewi moibus, atid
rled, and prayed, and sweat, and had
doctors in the house, and drank a quart
medicine, and had mustard plasters
ired all over him, and we])t, and said he
iw'i half tended to, and he believed they
like to see him die.

Are the children safe ?" asks the iJlirls-
n Union. Quite safe, we assure you.
ley are up in the garret, playing hotel lire,
imie is the clerk, and is trying to slide
|wn the water pipe to the ground, Willie is
[guest, hanging to the window sill and
liting for the flames to reach his liand
fore he tries to drop to the shed roof, two
)ries below, and Tom is a heroic fireman,
Id has tied his fishing line around the baby's
|dy, and is letting it down ' to the ground,
yes, the children are all right : just

liah your
lildren.

call and don't fret about the

"Rents," said JMi". Middlerib, with a sigh
notunmixedsatistaction, "arecomingdown.
estenlay morning I tore the back off my coat
I the wood-sbed door, last night I snagged
e ^o^ndation of my trousers on a nail in a
)ore box, anil this morning I fell down on
le fi'ozei] sidewalk and split' the knee of the
iiU^ troi^sprs cleftr across, ilents are cer-
u^iy.getciog^ low^r. '' " Yes, " responded
lrf,,.MiddIiQirib, loQkjin^ agrpss toward the
"W. ^^r? <*t , % ^^ef»ring, macUijie , " ai^ ,
eamatreasea are getting hire. ' Mr. Middld-

! rib looked up at hi" spouse in vague aston-

; ishment, as if for explanation, but she look-
ed sublimely unconscious, ;ui(l the good man

' went off fiowu town with hi^ ;.;ii)kin tucked
niider his chin, wondei-in^i^ .-ill the way to the

I otiice if she meant it or if it was only his
interpretation.

I " A merciful man," tciulcrly remarked a
I Nintli-streeb man one Idtter cold -ianuary
i morning, " is merciful to \\'u beast," and he
i calle.d the dog in out of tlic s<now, ,aave him
1 hia bicaiiiast on a soup ])late, and laid a
I pic(!e ot carpet down Itciiind the kitchen
I stove for him to snooze on. Then the man
' went down town, and the neighbours watch-
ed his wife shovel snow-jjaths to the wood-
shed, cistern, stable, and front gate, and
' then do an hour's work cleaning off the side-
' walk.

j Who does not love a faithful, honest dog,
man's faitliful friend V Aiul yet who is there,
j stT'etching out in the shade for a quiet after-
i noon nap, who has had man's faithful
; friend come panting up, and, in an excess of
I honest affection, lay a great broad, hot
; tongue over one's cheek, from chin to eye-
i brow, that does not get up and seize man's
i faitliful friend by tlie tail and one ear
i and try to throw him across a prairie iifteea
j miles wide ?

j The New York Herald pays : " Bake your
I ripe pear in a tart, and cat it with brandy and
I cream." We'll do it. Here, Alvaretto,
j bake us that ripe pear in a tart and dress it
with brandy and cream. What ! the pear
eaten ? Well, the tart crust and the trim-
mings. The tart gone ! I.s it possible ? Theq,i^.,,
the brandy and cream. Amazement ! no
cream? Ah, then, we must not net^leot
good advice. Bring what is left of there-.
cipe.

A monkey that can say "papa" and
"mamma" and "Brazil' is going to the
Paris exposition. America can send a don-
key that can say, " Haw — yaas, dweadful
baw : soiraboily wing faw the pwopwie«
tah."

- They have just found tho skin of anothfti'""
Dane nailed to tlio oaken door of an old, .
old church in Englnnd. The skin isn't en-'
tire, only scraps of it remaining under the
broad fiat heads of the nails. It v^'as a plea-
sant way tlie Danes liad of destroying the
beauty of their criiniiiuls — they skinned,
them and tlicn nailed the skin to a cliurch
door. History decs not tell us how thd ui^«
fortunate victim employed himself' duritfj^' *
the operation, f)'ut it is quite likely thAtj,'
having uotliing elso'to do, lie waa into sqth^ '
deviltry. '

HAWK-EYETEMS.

Old Mr. Troph went into the parlour the
other night at the witching hour of 11:45
and found the room unlighted and his daugh-
ter and a dear friend, one of the dual form
of garmenture variety, occupying a tete-a-
tete in the corner. " Evangeline," the old
man said sternly, "this is scandalous."
" Yes, papa, " she answered sweetly, "it is
candleless because times are so hard and
lights cost so much that Ferdinand and I
said we would try and get along with the i
starlight." And the old gentleman turned;
about in speechless amazement and tried to
walk through a panel in the wall paper. |

A woman out on North Hill, being count-
ed out the other morning, after a debate on
the question " Who shall arise and build the
fire ? " got up and split her husband's wood-
en leg into kindling wood, and broiled
his steak with it. It made him
•o mad that he got hold of
her false teeth and bit the dog with them.
She cried until she had a tit of hysterics, and
then Hipped out his glass eye and climbed
upon the bed post and waxed the glaring
eye to the ceiling with a quid of chewing
gum. Then he took her whisp of false hair
and tied it to a stick, and began whitewash-
ing the kitchen with it. Then she started
oft' to obtain a divorce, but Judge Newman
decided that he couldn t grant a divo'-ce un-
less there wei e two parties to the suit, and
there was hardly enough left of them to
make one.

" You don't look at all well," a venerable
gobbler out in a North Hill poultry yard
remarked to a melancholy -looking young
rooster, a short time before Thanksgiving
day. "No," was the reply, " I liave reason
to look solemn : I expect to die necks
tweak." The gobbler smiled grimly and I

{)ondered over the uncertainty of poultric j
ife as he slowly swallowed a two-inch bolt i
head.

The worst thing we have seen about Oliver
Wendell Holmes, and the only stain on an
otherwise irreproachable character, is that
he is the inventor of that parlour aggrava-
tiou known as the hand stereoscope; a vexa-
tious contrivance for which the pictures are
always too large to be crammed into the
springs or too small to stiLv in them, of which
the slide is always shoved oft' the end of the
stick in the vain efforts of the observer to
find a focus, and of which the glasses always
make you see the picture so double that it
gives you the headache and finally compels
you to peep over the top in order to gain
the information necessary to make some in-
telligent remark about the jumble you have
been staring at.

Mrs, Middlerib paused to take a iinal sur
vey of the table before she called the ladies
out to tea. She started as hr^r eyes fell upot
the plate of lemon tarts, '.'.'here were five
where there had been nine. She sought her
only son and put him in the witness box
He objected to her putting her own con
struction upon his answers, and was sub^
jected to the usual punishment for contuma
ciousueas. And the next "composition
day" at school. Master Middleril) amaaed
his teacher by reading, as the title of his
essay, "The Lost 'i'arts, and why TTiey caii
Never be Recovered."

Sweet, gushing, artless girl ! Slie cam"

hmue just before the Christmas ..olidays

She went away from Burlington one Sep

tember; went to England first ; spent th«

winter in Italy; sauntered through Uerman'

in the spring, came back to America and

trifled away the summer at Saratoga, Lon/:

I Branch and the White Mountains; previoui

! to this trip slie had been away to school fivt

: years, and when she jumped out of th'

I palace car into her father's arms, she said

; impulsively, ' ' Oh, Paw, Paw, deah, deal)

Paw, tliay's no place like home !" And PawV

face was a study as he replied, " ^^ ell, no;

no; reckon not : must be c^uite a novelty to

ye."

A young man out on North Hill bought a
parrot st me months ago, and in anticipation
of the fact that he was going to be married
and go to the Centennial, he secretly taught
the parrot to say, " Welcome, thrice wel-
come home," every time anybody opened the
front door, thinking what a delightful sur-
prise it would be to his young wife to be
thus cheerfully welcomed home on their re-
turn. But while they were on their tour,
the nervous woman who was left in charge
of the house taught the parrot a new remark,
as a protection against burglars; and when
the young people came home on the night
train and let themselves in at the
hall door with a latch key, they were
shocked and appalled by a terrific shout of
" Thieves 1 thieves! Police 1 police! Here
Bull 1 here Bull ! Scatter, ye son of a thief,
or I'll tear your heart out ! " Next day th^i
parrot died, and the young wife now sa'J^s
she wouldn't stay alone in that house, lov;
for a divorce.

A Burlington naturalist last Sunday, while
investigating the causes and effects of the
poison of a wasp sting, nobly determined to
make of himsftlt a martyr to science, and ac-
cordingly handed his thumb to an impatient
insect he had caged in a bottle. The wasp
entered into the marlyr business with a great
deal of spirit, and backed np to the thumb
with an abruptneaa which took the loientiat

HAWK-EYETEMS,

ike a iiual sur
lUed the ladiei
r eyes fell upot
'liere were fivti
She sought her|
e witness box,
her own con-
and was sub-
it for contutna-
' composition
Idlerii) amaaed
he title of his
why They caii

i ! She cam"
niui ..olidays
igtou one Sep-
st ; spent tnt
rough Cierman;

America and
Saratoga, Lon/:
itaiiis; previou;
y to school fivt
ed out of th'
arms, she said
iw, deah, deali
e !" And PawV
u\, " i\ell, no;
te a novelty to

1 Hill bought a
in anticipation

5 to be married
secretly taught
le, thrice wel-
ody opened the
delightful sur-
lung wife to be
me on their re-

on their tour,
3 left in charge
; a new remark,
ars; and when
I on the night
in at the
jy, they were
errific shcut of

police ! Here
I son of a thief,

Next day th^?
wife now so'^s
hat house, voM

Sunday, while
effects of the
determined to
cience, and ao-
)o an impatient
lie. The waap
IBS with a great
to the thumb
k the loientiat

iDy surprise. He was ao deeply absorbed in

[the study of remedies tliat he forgot to make

jany uotas of tijo otlier points in coiuieutiun

Iwith stiug-i, but hii wife wrote a pira;,iaph

liu his note-book, for the bt-n- -t of sci' ace, to

the effect that the primary effect of a wasp

IstiuG; is abrupt, blasphemous, and terrific

profanity, followed by an intense desire,

fairly amounting to a mauia, for ammonia,

1 camphor, and raw brandy.

One day, just after King Solomon hud
written a coiumii of 8(dii nonpareil wise and
moral proverbs, he took his eldest aori by the
elbow, led him dowi tlie b^ick stairs of the
palace, through the V)ack yaril, past the wood-
shed, out into the ailey, backe i him up be-
hind Ahithophel's wood-pile, looked warily
arouud to see that no one was listening, and
whispered into the young man's ear, " My
son, a little office in a spread-eagle life in-
surance company is lietter than a cart-load of
preferred .s! lick in the Optiir mines." And
then the mo arch threw his head on one side,
drew in his chin, shut one eye, and gazed at
Ids offspiing in silence. Turee years after-
ward, when the Great Hebraic Consolidated
Stormy Jonlan Life Assurance Company, of
which that intelligent young prince was
president, went into bankruptcy, the young
man was able to let his fatner, who was a
little short at tlie time, have 275,000 shekels
for ninety days, on liis simple note of haud.

They were very pretty, and there was ap-
parently five or six years difference in their
ages. As the train pulled up at Bussey, the
youager girl blushed, flattened her nose
nervously against the window, and drew back
in joyous smiles as a young man came dash-
ing into the car, shook hands tenderly and
cordially, insisted on carrying her valiae,
magazine, little paper bundle, ami would
Ttrobably have cirried herself had she per-
mitted him. Tue passengers smiled as she
left the car, and the muiinur went rippling
through the coach, "They're engaged."
The other girl sat looking nervously out of
the window, an 1 once or twice gathired her
parcels together as thougl . she would leave
the car, yet seemed to be expecting some
one. At last he came. He bulged iu at the
door like a hou^e on fire, looked along the
seats until His inxnly gazj fell on her up-
turnel, expectant face, roared, "Come on!
I've been waiting for you on the platform for
fifteen minutes!" grabbed her basket, and
strode out of the car, wh le she followed with
a little valise, a band-box, a paper bag full
of lunch, a bird-cage, a glass jar of jelly, and
an extra shawl. And a crastylooxing old
bachelor, in chi farther eu 1 of the c ir, creaked
out, m uaisoa with the indignant looks of the
paMengera, "They're married i "

Ml. and Mrs. Bilderback were walking'
slowly home from church one unday, whea
they met a young ladv of singular
beauty and sweetness of countenance,
who was quite lame. And Mrs. Bilderback
turning to her husband, said, " Did
you ever notice what a sweet, uncom*
plaining look of resignation rests like a halo
on the faces of young girls who are so sadlv
afflicted as the lady wno just passed us?" A.nd
old Bilderback said that indeed he had, and
he beifgel his wife to observe him
very closely, and notice what a sweet,
uncomplaining expression of peacesul
resignation spread itself over his face,
like a halo, or like a lump of butter on
a hot buckwheat cake, at such times as hil
corns tried him unusually bad. And she
only remarked casually that wlien they got
home she .vould hang a halo arouud his irrev*
erent head that would make what little hair
was left on it think the millennium was a
n- dlion years farther away than ever.

One bright May morning, when the build-
ing was at its busiest, a careless mason
dropped a half brick from the second story of
a building out on Jefferson-street, on which
he was at work. Leaning over the wall and
looking downwards, he discovered a respect*
able citizen with his silk hat scrunched over
liis eyes and ears, rising from a recumbent
posture. The mason, in tones of some appre-
hension, asked : "IJidi-hat brick hit any-
one down there ? " The citizen with great
difiiculty extricating himself from the glove-
fitting extinguisher, replied, with consider-
able wrath : "Yes, sir, it did ; it hit me."
" That's right," exclaimed the mason, in
tones of undisguised admiration. "Noble
man ! I would rather have wasted a thou-
sand bricks than had you tell me a lie abouk
it."

' ' They had a rather odd race out at the
oil Acme ball grounds yesterday," Trotters
remM ked to Ponsonby when they met yes-
terday morning. "Jones rode his little
calico pony around the block, and Brown
rolled an empty fiour barrel the same dis-
tance, even start, for $iO. " "Jones beat
him of course?" said Ponsonby. "Brown
was a fool to make such a match." " Don't
be too sure," rejoined Trotters, " when they
reached the outcome, the barrel head ;
blowed if it didn't." Fonnoaby stared,
then slowly smiled, giggled and finally guf>
fawe I. " Go )d enough," he said. " rirgit
that off to Mrs. Ponsonby." So when he
went home he told her all about it. " Well,"
said she, " that's just about as maoh sense
Ai I suppose I that precious Brown of youn
has. I am glad he lojt his money." "Oo
slow," yelled the delighted Ponsonby,

HAWK-EYBTKMS.

:i^> -;!■

doesn't often have a chance to sell his wife, I
"go slow I By George, Samantha, Browu i
b<"ac 1 " Aud Mrs. t'oasouby stared and said ,
he mu Jt tluiik »ha was as bii; a tool a^ Browa. \
*■ No, ' he said, uurrecciag himself, " uo, i
tuat waau't jusc ttie way of it, tlie barrel |
beaC, cnac'd it 1 i'ue barrel beat ; Brown '
leu, did, tor a face, by Jove." Aad Mrs. j
Pousouby scornfully toid tiiai to go out to !
the woodshod aad see if he could find any
sticks that would >{o into tue kitchen stove
— she couldn't. And Ponsouby coatidential-
ly told the gentleman who saws his wood an
inch and a, tialf too loug for every stove in
the house, tliat you might as well tell a joke
to asawoucu as to his wife, for she hadn't as
much coucejjrion of geuuine humour as a
cow.

■ Tiie pajjera in this country are quite gen
erally (.lauusniug lae luliu wing //tot oi laiiey-
ra^a'd WuicU is read wii,u tue jjieauost eajOj •
oy ail olasdes ot newspaper reaueis :

it IS said ttiat the notorious M. De Man-
breuil, waose name of Jvlarquia d'Orvaulc
came so scandalously before the public a few
years past, proposed to have Napoleon assass-
inated, and the Abbe de Prade was in favour
of the scheme, and discussed its execution
with Talleyrand, and that the . following
words passed :

•' Comoieii vous faut-il ? "

"i)ix millions. '

" UiX millions '.'" said Talleyrand, " mais
ce n esc rem pour debarrasdcr ia i^'rance d'ua
el tileau."

Tuis is pretty good, but it reminds us of a
much better oae, choagu it may besouitiwhat
old, wnion was related to us by lie v. Jasper
C. KomiUy, formerly of tins city, about
himself, ivlr. iioiniliy, whoso distinguishing
personal characteristic was au imaieuse biaoK
beard, was for some years a missionary at
Ugopogo, in Farther Imlia, aud ou one
occasion he diaed witli the Bugaboo of the
province. VVnen tne wine and walnuts were
brouglit in the Bugaboo said :

" >iarcharikai noi-to-po ke-tee nomki-
dom?"

'* Jappero pompety doodle de wouk klouk
kobbered jam,' replied >lr. Rjinilly.

'* )[owii.t' exclaimed the potentate,
"chiokero boobery hong doitg cnoi-ke*ree
yangsce' boi."
' Tuis was, indeed, too good to keep.

Woman is a natural traveller. It in a
study to see her start otf on a trip by herself.
She oomes down to tne depot in au express
waggon curee hours before cram time. Sue
iusiSkS on sitting ou aer truu&, out on Cue
platform, to ueep it from being stolen. Sue
picks up her reucule, fan, parasol, luncu
DMket, small pot with a house plant in it,

shawl, paper bag of candy, bouquet (she
never travels wuhout one), small tumbler
aud extra veil, and caase.s hysterically after
every switch-eayine tnut goes by, under the
luipiUssion that it is het ti.iiu. Her voice
trembles as she preseuus herself at the res-
taurant aad tries to buy a ticket, aud she
knocks with the handle ot her parasol ou the
door of the old disused tool-house in vain
hoprs that the bag^^age man will come out
and check her truuK. She asks every body
in the ilopot aud ou Uie platform when ^er
train will .-^taii, and uiiei-e it will stand, and,
looking .-^iiaight at che great clock, asks :
"What time is it now;" She sees, with
terror, tne baggage man shy her trunk into
a ear where two men are smokiug: instead of
looking it up 0> itacii 111 a ia(ge strong, brown
car wita " Bad oimci , saop>, chalked on tiie
ciide, which ^he nas long ago de.ermmed to

.>e the i>a_4j,.*|je car
j>igut. Aiiu>ja^>i

as t^io o:ily bale one in
ae iii'st at cne uepoc, bUe
IS the lasb to ge^ ad ci'vii.eu ; and ouce on the
cars, sue sits, to tne end of uer journey, in
an agony of appreiieusioa that sue Aas got on
the wrong train aud will be lauded at some
strange scatiou, put in a close carriage,
drugged, aud murdered, and to every iaat
male passenger who walks down the aisle
she stands up and presents her Cicket, which
she invariably carries lu her hand. She
liually recognizes her waiting friends on tiie
piattorm, leaves the car in a burst of grati-
bU le, and the tiaiu is ten miles away betore
she remembers that tier reticule, fan, parasol,
iUiich basinet, verbena, shawl, candy, cumOier,
veil aud bouqueb, are oa the car seat wnere
sue left tnem, or at the depot in feoria, for
the liie of ncr she can't tell wnich.

A man may carry a load of guilt con-
cealed in his tortured soul for years,and liide
It wit;h a veneering ot iioUow, tieardess, de-
ceicfai sindes, buc it doesa c take tive min-
UDus for cne thougncless world to observe
aud uuderstitud tiie one-shoaldered gaic pf a
iiian whose larboard suspender button naa
parted.

How often a little careless action, a
thougntless word, a restless gesture, brings
a dood of thoughts surging into cne soul, cuat
almost tear away tae veil of mystery tuat
uangs between to-day aud to-morrow, and
give us vague and hasty ghiupaes into the
dark uncertain future. vVnen you see a man
come out of a drug store, for instance, with*
'' prescription careiully compounded," in his
hand, and dasli away at break-neck speed,
aud then see Che puarmacist come Co cne
dior carrying an uucorked buttie, and smell
at it ed-aesoly wuu one uosonl, gaze
anxiously down the slreec after tuo mmu,
smell at it long aud intensely with the other

bouquet (ahe

binali tumbler

'sturically after

i by, vtider llie

iiu. Her voice

itiif at the rea>

tiut^et, aud she

r paraooi ou the

lumde in vaixi

will come out

iks every body

tforiu when .'ler

will ataud, and,

ab clock, asks :

She sees, with

her truult: luto

Kiug: lubtead ui

c atroujj, brown

uUaikud uu tiie

o de.tii'iuuied lo

:iiy buiu uuti in

1/ ui0 impui, bUe

iind ouce uu the

uer jouruuy, in

c sue Has gut on

lauded at some

ciode carriage,

to every iaat

dowu the aisle

sr ticket, which

ur hand. iShe

t'neuds ou the

b burdt ut grati-

ueti away beiore

lie, tau, paratsol,

oaudy,cuint)ier,

i car beat wnere

jb 111 Peoria, for

vaiuh.

of guilt con-
: yeard,aud hide
, heacciesd, de-
Uke dve mm-
'id to obdurve
liered gait pf a
ider button

HAWKETETlMfl.

(.■■•! I

sless action, a
genture, brings
to tUe sold, tuat
>l: myscery tuat
to-morrow, and
impses into the
n you see a nuui
iudtauoe, with A
touuded," in his
eak-ueuk speed,
a come to cue
octie, aud smell
) uodord, gaze
after tuo mmu,
with the other

nostril, stare wildly up the street aftei'the
mfln. »pd then FniflT .it it onoe tr twire
with both iiofitrilK. rearl tbeprecoriptionovpr.
and retire irto the medicire shop with a
jrlooiry brow and snd phakef of the hesuVhow
Diany things you begin to think about then,
as it might be.

"My son," said a pious father out on
South Hill to hia hopeful son, "you did not
saw any wood for the kitchen stove yester
day, as I told you to ; you left the back gate
opn and let the row pet out ; you cut off
eighteen feet from the clothes line to make a
lasso ; you stoned Mr. Robinson's pet dojr
and lamed it ; you put a hard-shell turtle in
the hired girl's bed ; you tied a strange dog
to Mr. Jacobson's door bell ; you painted red
»iH green stripes on tl^e lei s of oW Mrs.
Polaby's white pony, and hnng your sister'^
bustle out of the front window. Now, whpt
am T — what can I do to yon for such con-
duct?" ".Are all the connties heard from ?"
asked the candidate. The father replied
sternly, "No trifling .sir : no, T have yet
several reports to receive from others of the
neighbours." "Then," replied the boy, "you
will not be justified in proceeding to extreme
measures until the official count i« in."
Shortly afterward the election was thrown
into the house, and before half the votes were
canvassed, it was evdent, from the penuliar
intonation of the applause, that the boy was
badly beaten.

Passing by one of the city schools one day
we listened to the scholars singing, "Oh how
I love my teacher dear. " There was one Voy,
with a voice like a tornado, who was so en-
thusiastic that he emphasized every other
word and roared, "Oh how I love my teach-ar
d^ar," with a vim that left no possible doubt
of his affection. Ten minute'* afterward that
bry had been stood up on t'le floor for putting
shoemaker's wax on his teacher's chair, got
three demerit marks for drawing a pidlure
of her with red chalk on th<- hack of an atlas,
been well shaken for putting a bent pin in
another bov's chair, scolded for whistling out
loud, sentenced to stay after school for draw-
ing ink mustaches on his face and blackinp
the end of another hoy's nose, and soundly
whipped for slapping three hundred and thir-
ty-nine spit balls up against the ceiling, and
throwing one big one into a girl's ear. Yon
can't believe half a boy says when he sings.

Art has its votaries even among the un-
taught children of the wilderness. A few
days ago a savacre Indian painted his own
face, went into an emigrant waggon that was
sketched, by himself, out on the prairie after
dark, and drew a woman from under the c<an-
VM Mid soolptor.

"Who dem, f'assins ?" a visiting freedman
fromKeoknk asked a fnend the other day. a«
a Masonic lodge, in funeral procession, pass-
ed bv.

"Pev's de Free and Expected Masons."
"'Mazin' what?"

" Why, mason nuffin, jest on'y Masons."
" Sbo ? How long dey bin free ?"
" Oh, gory, long time. Spects ever since
de mancipation proclamation, anyhow. Some
on 'em was free before den. "

Dat

Went off to Canada, moa'

likely ?"

"Sneers 90."

" Who's done expectin' of 'sim ?"

"Nobody: ieat expectin' demselves. Dey'g
on'y Free and Expected Masons, dat'sall."

" Sho ! Well, I'd jest like to know what
dar is 'mazin' about 'em an' I'd done be satis-
(led."

Oh, the artles" prattle of an innocent child
hood ! How the 8«'eet music of their hearts
.and voices calms the wild yearnings of the
sorrow-crowned years of maturity. At a
happy home in Burlington the other evening,
where the familv was gathered around t^e
tea-table entertaining unexpected I'uests, the
fond mother said to the youngest dar-
ling, " Weedie, darling, be careful ;
von mustn't spill the berries on the
table-cloth." " 'Taint a table - eloth.'
oromptlv responded darling, "its a sheet.'"
And late at night, when the company had
gone away, and that sweet child was stand-
ing with it? head nearly where its feet ought
to be, catching with its tear-blinded eyes Oc-
casional glimpses of a fleeting slipper that
fluttered in the air in eccentric gjTations, one
could see how early in the stormy years of
this brief life" one may begin to suffer for
the truth.

It was at the sociable. Young Mr. Spot-
head, who reads poetry oh, so divinely, and
is oh. so nice, stepped on her dress as she was
hurrying across the room. Kr-r-rt! R'p!
R'p! how it tore and ietked, and how Mr.
Spothead looked as though he world die.
"Oh, dear no, Mr. Spothead," she said.
smiling till she looked like a seraph who had
got down here by mistake, " its of no conse-
quence ; I assure you it doesn't make a par*
tide of difference at all. " Just twenty-five
minutes later, her husband, helping her into
the street car, mussed her ruffle. " Good*
n ess gracious me!" she snapped out, "go
away and let me alone ; you'll tear me to
pieces if you keep on." And she flopped
down on the seat so hard that everything
rattled, and the frightened driver, ejaculat-
ing, "There goes that brake chain again,"
crawled under the car with his lantern to see
how badly it had given way.

100

HAWKEYETEMS.

.*•'

When you see a yonrg man sitting in the '
parlour, with tl eujilifBt tix jearold Vf ytlat
ever frightened himself in the mirrfr clam-
bering over his knees, jerking his white tie j
out of knot, mussing his white vest, ki< kin^ '
his shins.feelini; in all his pockets for iiickel!>,
bonibaiding hiai from tiirt to time with var-
ious bits of light furniture and bijouterie, \
calling him names at the top of his hendifih
lungs and yelling incessantly fur him to
come out in the y ird and play, while the
unresisting victim smiles all the time i
like the cover of a comic almanac, you !
may safely bet — although there isn't a sien
of a girl apparent in a radius of 10,000 miles
— you can bet your bottom dollar that howl-
ing boy has a sister who is primping in a room i
not twenty feet away.and that the youn£;man j
doesn t come there just for the fun of playing |
with her brother. . i

Mrs. J. C. Mc^ belter, who lives out on
Ninth-street, worked three weekf. building a I
rookery out of cracked hoards, and threw |
the whole pile away in fifteen minutes yes- ,
terday afternoon, bombarding a neighbour <
who said Ler baby's head was red enough to i
heat its catnip tea on.

An enraptured Burli. gton lover, hearing '
his sweetheart sigh dejectedly the other I
evening, rapturously administered a quar- '
tette of kisses.and exclaimed, "You're mine, '
now, in spite of fate!" "And why?" she'
asked. " Because," he said, "four of a kind |
beats ace high.' But she believes to this ]
day that he played a cold deck on hei-.

"All flesh is grass," as the reaping ma- |
shine said when it chawed up the harvest
hand.

The other day a public reader, while enter-
tainingan audience with a masterly rendition
of an extract from " Macbeth," dropped his
false teeth out, but he went right on with
the soliloquy, "Ig gish a daggag ash I see
befog me ? ('ug, leg me glug ghee ! " And
then the audience got up and howled and
threw all the chairs out of the window and
M^t out for some one to come in and hold
them while they hollered.

A South Hill man complained to old Dibbs,

the other day, that his house was infested

'V with chimney swallows, but old Dibbs says

9 ,>^he isTeady to bet fifty dollars hat the man

^.^' ' %^ twallows twice as much as the chimney does.

"^ The tramp has his revenge on society after
fSL If they refuse his request fur a square
meal at any house, he lurks around the
vicinity with threatening glances until night-
fall, when he skulks rapidly away with the
comforting knowledge that while he is snor-
ing all the hours of that long Summer night

away under a haystack, every being in thaj ^^^^ w

h<upe wonld pit 1 olt upright in led all night ^\^(.VR (
frit.'litei)cd ly ihe vind, tenified by tl(
lustliiit; of the baves. Ptfrrd into fits whfi
even the dog larks, iind })oui.ced out of bt<
every time the clock strike?, while a nijiht-
mare of buiplarioua tramps fills ever>- drowgj
moment with awakenii g terrors. No won
der that tramps always look 1 appy and con
tented.

A young native ijoet, who is writing
" song of olden Rome," asks us to give hire
a rhjme for Komulus. A dozen, if hewanu
them :

" If o'er thnt wall you leap, tiM diince.
The lightning stroke would harm < ou lets

But Kemus 1 u^lieri and leareti ; at once
His head wa pimched by Romulus.

A fellow never ap])reciates the tender
beauty of a sister's love half so much as when
he makes her get nut of the big rocking chair,
and let him have the morning pnper, while
she fines off and leans up a^'ains-t the end of
the lureau and feeds her stiuving intellect
on the household receipts at the back o:
Jayne's family a:mnnac. A brother's love ia
like pure gold. It is dreadfully hard to find,
and when you find it, it's very apt to be py
rites,

" Did you never," asked a traiipcendental
young lady just three weeks from Vassar, of
the West Hill young man, " Did you neve
feel a vague, unrestiul yearning after the be-
yond ? a wild, strange, impulsive longing and
reaching out after the unattainable? ' And
the West Hill man said he oiten had. last
sumn:-=T, at !?uoli times as he was trying to
scratch a square inch of hives, right between
his shoulder blades, and just out of reach of
anything.

A benevolent clergyman recently helped a
profane Bnilington inebriate out of the gut-
ter, and gently rebuking him reminded him
that " the wages of sin is death. ' "I knuw't,''
replied the erring one, " but I've worked so
much overtime, and tlie shup is far in arreari
to me that I'll never get half that's comin' to
me any how." And he went off to work
right on the same old job.

Old Mr. Balbraggan is very much pleased
with a gentleman whom he had engaged to
saw wood " When he piles the wood," said
old Balbriggan to his friend, "if one stick
projects beyond the others, he pounds it iu
with the axe." "He's a slouch." replied
Bifelston, "you should see my wood sawyer
When he gota the wood all piled he takes
off the rough projecting ends with a hand
saw." "He couldn't pile wood for me,'
broke in old Mr Pillunghorn, "my saw
yor piles the wood carefully, then goes

fore hf
And tl
before'
eawyei
and na
up by.
such a

A V^

wasp «
ad<°an
it in t
hp wa
Hisol
or me
He is
dnrma
and w
out fii
the la
wink,
able

HAWK-EYETEMS.

lei

ery Yeirg in th
t inlifd al! night,
teiiified l»j' t)
(1 into fits •»hf
.■I ced out of l't<|
=. Mlnle a ni^h
ills even- drowg;
rrors. No won
1 appy and con

•ho is writing »

us to jiive hiiE

ozen, if he want*

(* dunce.

d harm < ou letn"

per) ; at once

Romului.

tes the tender

so much as when

)ig rocking chair,

ing pnper, while

.'ainst tiie end of

tnrvirg intellect

at the back o:

brother's love ij

uHy hard to find,

iry apt to be py

a trail pcendenta]
from Vassar, of
" Did you neve-
ring after the be-
ilsive longing and
tainabic? ' And
i oiten had. last
i« M as trying to
Js, right between
t out of reach of

•ecently helped a
'■ out of the gut-
n reminded him
li. ' "I know't,'

I've worked so
) is far in arreari

that's c<itnin* to
5nt off to work

•y mnch pleased
had engaged to
the wood," said
, "if one stick
he pounds it iu
ilouch," replied
ly wood sawyer,
piled he takes
i With a hand
wood for me, "
'HI, "my saw-
iliy, then ^oes

ver the ends with a jack plane, sand papers
hem down aU'l puts on a coat of varnish be-
V»re he ever thinks of aiiking for bis pay "
nd then th^y all went in at'tpr a big diiiik
b«-foreThro< kinortoncould tfll how his wodd
sawyer silver plated all thu ei.ds of the wood
and nailed a handle on every stick to tiick it
np by. Because, you see, Throckmorton is
such a liar, and they all know it.

A West Hill minister picked up a frozen
wasp on the sidewalk, and with a view to
ad'ancing the interests of science, he carried
it in the house and held it oy the tail while
he warmed its ears over a lamp chim/iey.
His obJ3ct was to see if wasps froze to deatli,
or merely lay aormant during the winter.
He is of the opinion that they merely lie
dormant, and the dormantest kind at that,
and when tliey revive, he says, the tail thaws
out first, for ^\hile this one's hea<l, right over
the lamp, was fo s^^^iflT and cold it could not
wink, its probe worked with such inconieiv-
able rapidity that the mini'-ter couldn't ;.asp
fftst enough to keep up with it. He threw
the vicious thing down the lamp cliimney,
and said he didn't want to have any more
truck with a dormant wasp, at which his
wife bnrst into tears and asked how he, a
minister of the cospel, could use such
language, right before the children, too.

When a man accustoms himself to owning
a dog, aad turning around at every corner to
look up and down street for him. and whistle
him out of stairways, or yell at him to stop
his fooling with f)thf r dogs and come along,
or make dashes into a crowd of earnest ainl
excited dogs who are holding a caucus and
have each other by the ear, and especially
his dog — that man is a slave to a habit that
he will never break. It will cling to him,
we believe, after he gens to heaven, tor most
men who love dogs are pretty sure of going
to i'eaven. We once saw an old settler
standing at the Barrett House corner, peering
nj> and down street, and stooping down to
look under the hacks, and "wondering where
he could be," and whistling and growing im-
patient, and scolding and calling, "Hyuh,
Turk ! yuh I yuh !" until every dog iu Bur-
lington was sitting around the Barrett House
noiupr, patiently pounding the snow with his
iail and mentally resolving to lay for Turk if
he ever came. Presently a young man came
along and, greeting the anxious dog hunter as
his "Father," asked him what he was wait-
ing there for ? The old settler said he had
lost Turk somewhere right around there, and
couldn't see hide nor hair of him, and couldn t
imagine where he had gone to. "Turk!'
roared his dutiful son, "Turk! Suffering
Moses ! And him dead eight years ago ! "
And he hustled the old man away before he
eould begin to whittle np any more ghoati.

The balmy breath of spring is so entwined
with the fragranco "f new oi.ion.s that a man
hao to grip his nose with a snring clothes pin
every time he stoops to plnck a violet.

A gif d contributor sends us a poem
becii'ning " Open the doors totbe children."
Yon'd better, if you dont want .all the paint
kicked ofi[' the panels.

There is nothing that tends to destroy
popular sympathy for the wotking classes so
mnch Rs the habit a bricklayer has of drop-
ping bit?; of mortar from the top of a five-
story V all into the eye of the wondering man
who stands under the lofty scaffolding and
looks up.

A porcplain-lined k- '(;''• in a berry-
stj'icken iieiL'hl'onih'M'l i> the nearest
approrioh to perpetual motion that has yet been
realized. Its incessant mo' ion is only rivalled
bv the slow, steady growth of the sugar
bill.

One nf the discmeries made by the 1 itest
arctic exiilorers is tliat the length of the po-
lar night is one hundred ami forty-two days.
What a heaveily plare that would be in
which to tell a man with a bill to call around
day after to-moirow and get his money.

A fashion jou'nal says "white velvet
dresses give a roundness to the tigtire. " They
give an awful lankness to the figures on a
hundred dollar bill.

Mnltum. in pnrro : Town tramp, to lady of
the house: ''Please, missus, won't yon give
me 8( mething to drink? I'm so hungry I
don't know where I'll stay to night."

An eminent New York jurist, who has
retired from the bench, always shakes hards
with bis friends by turning around and pass-
ing his rii?ht hand behind his back. It is
supposed the peculiar habit was contracted
during his active ))rofessiopal life.

Cards of invitation in Utah, issued by »
voting lady and her mother, always present
the compliments of "Miss Smith and the
Mrs. Smiths."

We are told by a Russian traveller that
the summit of Mt. Htod is a single shftrp
peak of lava. Vt hitv or Balaclava f

A scientili',' gv^iitlon ■in sends us an elabo-
rate treatise on " the healthiness of lemons." •
They may be dre.idfully healthy. b\|t ''tiiey <
are terribly .soured iu their dispositioris.

A rising young tenor in Burlington hu a
neck eight inches long, and it gives him SkU ,^
immense power .iver his voice; enables him *

to thro<at a Ion;;; way.s. (Tr;", Iu, la !)

About tho oldest I'lthi game of draw we
know of was played wh.en .Tosliua razed Jer-
icho, and the fellows of the city wished they
hadn't stayed in. . '

?A|

1*2

HAWK-rrmMs.

The whale in the itnlkiest of all fishes.
He is the wornt ponter in the business.

Ymir landlonl is prohably the finest exam-
ple of ti'ial affection rnd duty yon e>er met.
He in nnremittin^ in his attention and care
of his pay rents.

"Was it her brother?" is the title of a
^ new novel. We think not. It' is our im-
pression that the larpe gentleman in the
plaid coat, who was kicking him down stairs
and calling for the dog, was her brother.

George Washington's strongest hold upon
the American people is the fact that he never
wore a box coat and a plug hat.

History says, "Cressr had his Brutus.'"
But somehow or other we always had the
impression that Biutua rather had Offisar.

By snme wickeH and unpardonable error,
the case of the pViotoeraphn of editors on ex-
hibition at, th*> Centennial pot misplaced,
and was exhibited in a frame labelled "Na-
tive woods of the United States."

Nature's effort to maintain equilibrium is
never better set forth tban in the instinctive
■tniggles of a man with one suspender to
carry both shoulders even.

On account of the Turco-Russian war and
the failure of the American cabbage crop
last year, nearly all the srenuine imported
Turkish tobacco nsed in this country this
summer will have to bo made out of plantain
weed.

The day after Christmas, father and mother
no longer come sneaking in at the back
door with mysterious looking bundles. No
indeed. Mother is gliding around with the
expression of a Christian martyr with the
toothache, because he she didn't get what she
expected, and father is sitting around, hold-
ing his Itreath till the bills come in.

Flies are made for some good and useful

purpose after all. If it wa8i\'t for the busy

flies, men with their never dying souls to

; save and lots of work to do, would lie down

A after dinner and sleep till six o'clock every

day.

A Nashville bank robber burrowed under

a street for five days, and at length came up

' . in tile coal vault of a beer saloon, three doors

^ away from the bank, and bit himself in

r ^eleven places with the most uncompromising

- Hog he ever tried to conciliate. The next

'^time he attempts any mining operations he

■W. ■»'^ill take a practical engineer along.

It was intensely hot in Salt Lake City last
/summer, and one night about 1.820 linear
ieejt of prickly heat broke out on the infant
b&oks in Briurham Yonng's nnrsery. The
eruption hasn't been equalled since Mt. Ve-
BttTiuB cooled o£

You can utilize your Coke of maple sneai
if you find there is too mnch sand in it
make molas'PR of. by putting it in a nei
frame of cnrd-loard. or some kind of fan
work, in bright colon^a, and hanging it i
neainst the wall to light matches on. Il
never wears out.

It is in the merry month of sprip<» that
tree peddler comes around and tall^s you
death, and sells you a plum tree that beai
fruit so bitter that it poisons every curculi
that tastes it, and some cherry trees thai
send up one hundred and fifty sprouts
the square inch and will lift the housed
its foundations in two ypars' growth, atiiil
some apple trees that neither sprout, bloi-
aom, nor bear fruit, and some blackberry
bushes that spread all over a ten-acre lrt|
the first season, and some gooseberry bushei
thnt have thorns on a foot long, and never!
have anything else, and some peach tre*!
that break out in bloom from the ground
to the tip of the topmost b~anch five days
after they are put in the f^round and die
as dead as a Hint the sixth day, and a climb-
ing rose tree that turns out to be wild ivy
and pMsons every sowl about the house be
fore the summer is over.

When the late Governor of the Persian
province of Fars retired from office, the
Government ofiiciala put him in the stocki
and pounded the soles of his feet until ht
disgorged S30i1.000 of crooked salary. 1
the Government of the United States would
adopt that system, five hundred million
pairs of crutches would carry the popula
tion of the republic to and from its daily
labour. And if we knew where we could
cret hold of a man who would give down
like the late worthy Governor of Pars, we"
would gather him by the ankles, stand him
on his head, and welt the soles of his feet
until the backbone went through the topi
of h-'s head and stuck nine inches in the
ground.

There is a junior in the Burlington hieh
school who, when his father cuffs his
scholastic ears for leaving the wheelbarrow
standing athwart the front gate, can go out
to the woodshed and swear in French,
grumble in German, threaten to run away
and be a pirate in good classic Greek, and
blubber in honest United States.

One day last winter a yoitng lady broke
through the ice of a deep skating pond near
Toronto, and a young man rescued her at
the risk of his own life. As the half drowned
girl was recovpringconsciousness. her agonized
father arrived on the spot. Taking one of
her cold, white hands in one of his own, he
reached out the other for the hand of her
rescuer, but the ;oang man, realizing his

iger,
woo
not

sed t

ubes u
iiuiili.

We h
apea

ttier

mes,

igettiei
ttuma
lithe

,owly

lefore
ud tu
ae he
f{uue

Mvku-
auauui
uaer i
lear., w
itrones
taiuttd
bia iuij
earih a
huuil-i
to be
arcbiaj
aad uu
crackei
asuiliq
telf a
can uui
didl

Aw
a burui
pauiL a
shaded
ik:<d 8
thiugB
letben
iaus, 1
all 801
tha(>
auy li<
tuac '
wanes
Wuei-
and ^
ctiucii
neclit
pair G
can't
ends
thing
had L

peard
Tain
rett
the I

HAWK-ETBTEMS.

101

e of maple angti
"ch Mnd in it
tirp it in a npi
>ine kind nf fani
id b)»njrinp it ni
matches on.

,nger, with one frightened glance broke for

,e woods, and waa aooa lust to view. Ue

uob been heard ot smue, and it is sup-

sed that he is traveUuig iu tiiu Uuiied

lUtes under the fai^e auU huiluw name of

lUllll.

We haven't given the subject enough scudy
apeak very cuuhdeutly upon it, ouc we
and taJ'is you fi atlier believe, wueu the eud of the world
Ri tree that bean oiues, and the last trump calls all maukind
)«« every curculw ogetber, that the man who died with
cherry trees thut beumatism will lie still a long time, and will
fifty sprouts to e«l the small of his back, and rub his knets
lift the house 08 lowly and thoughtfully a great iijauy times,

of spriniF that

'•■s growth, anij

lome blackberry
a ten-ncre ln|
noseberry bnshei

lonp, and never

me peach tre^i
from the ground
b-anch five days

'ground and die
day, and a climb,
it to be wild ivy
>ut the house be-

• of the Peraiao
from office, tlie
im in the stocki
pi" feet until hi
''ked salary. II
ted States would
hundred million
irry the pnpula
1 from its dailv
where we could
rould give down
nor of Pars, we
nkles, stand him
soles of his feet
hrough the top
e inches in the

efure he tinally groaua aud makes up his

her sprout, blo«- uud to get up. Auu, as like as uot, by tbe

Burlington hieh
»ther cufTa bia
;he wheelbarrow
rate, can go out
ear in French,
an to run away
ssic Greek, and
.tea.

ung lady broke

ating pond near

rescued her at

behalf drowned

esR. her agonized

Taking one of

of hi« own, he

he hand of her

i> realizing his

iine he g-ita ou his feet everybody else wiii
le guue.
Mitu — What power of nature has he not
uuaued? vVnub uiiui>itu uad ue uob bruiideti
luaer toot ? Wuat arocic rigour auU iropiuai
ean, wuuo polar ttuuwd auu eiiuacuriai auu-
itroK.es has iie uot laughed to aoorn ? He has
mt)d Clie elemeutd, ue uas luaae cue oouaa
lis luguway, lie lias made tire aud water,
rdh aud air, his servauts, aud bent beueath
,u uil-snbduiug yoke e veu the wild lightniugs
be bis mesaeuger. Aud yet he can uoc,
arching himself upon the back of hia head
aad ou his ueela, scoop with bis eager palm,
cracker cruuiba from the iriitatiug sueet witu
a iiuiiioieut degree at auuoeaa to maute uim-
iielt a good m^ht's sleep. He cau uot, he
uaii uub — oh, might ol tue giaut, it kaiuc be
did I

A woman will take the smallest drawer in
a bureau for her owu private use, aud will
pacK away iu it brigut bica of boxea, of all
shades aud sizes, dauity fragmeutu of ribbou,
b:<d scraps of laoe, fouuiy lutties, velvet
thiugs for the ueuk, buuales of old love-
Ibtters, pieces ot jewellery, liaudiieruhiefs,
taus, thiuga that no uiau kuowa the name 01,
ail sorts of freau-luokiug, briglit litile trupa
thai you couldn't catalogue lu a coiuuiu, aud
auy hour of the day or uiguc she uau go to
tuac drawer aud pick up auy article she
wants wituuuc disburbiug any tuiug elae.
Wuereas a m^u, having lue big^^eab, ileepeai,
and widest diawer aaaigued to uiin, will
chuck iuto It tur je socka, a collar-box, au old
necktie, two naudkerohiefs, a pipe, aud a
pair of suspenders, aud bo save nis soul he
can't shub tuat drawer wibhoub leaving more
ends of things scickiutt ouc than there are
things in it, aud it always looks as though ib
had ueeu packed wibh a nydraulic preas.

One day a young man of respe^ttable ap-
pearaace accracced couaiddritble acceucion ou
Tuird-acceeC, wuiie croasiu^ over co cuot tij^r-
retc House. He ati>pped m tue middle of
the street and yeUed, and d»ao«d mp and

down on one leg, while he held the other out
and kicked, like tlie can-can lady ou the
bulletiu boards. The bystanders tiiougbt he
was cra/.y, aud threw stones and mud ab him,
audkuocKed him down and cooked him, aud
held hini still, wuile he never ceased to
suriek, " finake up my leg! 8nake up my
leg!" Tiieu they reached up and pulled a
small roll of bills out of his trousers leg, and
let him up, when he raised his hauils to
heaven and swore he would never carry
money in a hip pocket again, hole or no hole.

It was ou a bright April morning that Mr.
Alauaou Bodley, who lives out on Sumuiei-
Bbreec, stepped out of the house in a tender
traiue of miud, siugiug sofdy to himself,
"Oh had 1 the wiuga of a dove, I'd Ay,

Away from " Just then the hired

giii threw tue bed-room carpet out of
ciie wiudow, aud as its duaby lolds euvel*
oped >ir. hodley, aud tarew hia Sbru^gliug
tor/u down sbaira, he was heard to oxciaim
lu muidcd touea, "If I get out of this, if I
dou'b cut the raw hearb oub of tue bloody-
miuded asaassiu that sluug that carptiC, sbrike
me dead !" Tims, too often, the tenderer
iudueuces that briug iuto life and being our
higuer and uoble emotions aud tranaceud-
eutal lougiu^s, are warped aud distorted by
the steru realicies of life, like a wet boot
behind the kituueu stove.

They had the awf ulust time up at Jerome
Oaveudidh's huuse, ou kVest Hill, one eveu-
iug, aud Mrs. (Javeuuish weubiuto Uyaterics,
aud Aiiaa Caveudiah fainted, and youug
George Cavendish graobsd hia hat aud ran
out oc the huujc, autl old Caveudiah raved
and ramped around like a crazy luan, all just
because they had wattlea for tea, anil Alias
Cavendiah fouad a — "ou ! ow .' ow / oo-oo-
00! I! BK-K-£-£ !" liard-baked beode in a
wulUc. Uh, it was terrible! It wa& awful !
It was too awlul ! Too awful ! Two
walile !

Ouc day last sprmg a sweet-faced woman,
wibu a amile like au augel and a voice softer .-
aud sweeter th<in the bouud of Uutes upon ' '
tue water, was walking up i<'ifth-street. ishe
was walkiug very sluwiy, eujoymg the cool, .
aott air, aud the delicious saaae of £hoae
muple trees just below Diviaiou-street. ^Hor
languid mo lions were the perfecbiou of gra|«e,
aud she was the admiration of every, pair of' '^
«ye% on the street, when suddenly ab*
bhrew her parasol over the steeple uf the '
cuurch, screamed till she rattled tue windows -^
in the parsouage, jumped up as high as the
teuce turee bimea, aud whooped aud sapfikad,
aud waned, and uuwled, aud kickeil uutil
everybody thought ane uad suddenly bevome - ^'*'
luaaue. But waen they ran up and caugtUi
hold of her and poured water on her head'

104

HAWK-fiVKTlfiMS.

A pair of deaf mutes were married in

Monroe, fJeorgia, three years ai?o, aiul non-
it; is more fun tlkau a circus to see them
qiiari-el ami make faces at each other witii
tlieii' fingers.

Two young ladies of Tama Couuty, have
Some years ago a pubhc-spinted citizen of , jiuished a quilt containing 10,696 pieces, aii.i
Burlin^tou died, ml left, by his will, j the local paper proudly asks if anybody in
!$175,000 to found ixu orphan asylum ; and i^^^ can b«^at that ? We haven't anytliin;;
his sons aud daugluers, and nieces and i,i Burlington like that in the quilt line, but
nephews, and couiius, and broth.^rs, and Qasper Cruger, up on tli^'htli-strcet, fell
sisters, and all his wiiu s iciati )iis, contested • .. -

and $15 bonnet, and shook her until she quit
screatuing au.i began to talk, th^y found tliat
one of tu.)de green worms, about an inch
l(.ing, had dropped Iioin tlie mapie loaves and
slid down her back. Au l they didu'c wonder
that she yelled and mido a fuss about it.

^ph

!.!.«

the will, aud fought aud wraugie;'. and called
each other iiamej, and told hird stories
about each other, ami prtn'ud up wonderful
claims, and hired lawyers by the acre, and
kept the tight up luaatuilj uutil quite la eiy,
when ^t transpired that the man only had
$.35, in the wiio!e wide world when he died,
and owed that to his grocer, and was in
debt about $35D beside, and that the cotiin he
was buried in hadn't been paid for yet. And
it was sad to see thoie- claimants standing
aronud the streets witli grip- sacks in their
hands trying to get out oi town, with a
lawyer aud a capia-j lurking behind every
corner.

It 18 a remarkable coincidence, and shows
the beneticeut WatohcM'i! svuioh a kind Pro-
vidence exercises over mankind, that the ad-
vertiaeineuta nt new aad infallible cholera
mixtures shoull appear in t le city papers
jujt about the tune vvaterui'jlo.is ooiao in.

When a unn, ctnuing ilowu to break-
fast half awaii", with his uncertain feet
shod in a piif nf .slip shod slip-
pers, steps on a ap.wi ou the lirsc .step, he is
generally wide-awake ciiouga !>y the time he
tries to break hha ladt step to Have a very
vivid aud uot eiioirol^' iiicurrect idea of the
power and iudti n.iuctible force generated by
the Keely mot u. Bug tliat isn't what he
talks about wuuu lie goes into che breakfest
]^|il aud tlie rc)i;;s a^l^ hiai wha" male sucti
' I ^i^pise iu the hall ?

f l* A$ a charity ball in New York one lady

■' 'WOn» dtaiuouds valued at ;$85, OiiO,and another

. M.J.e y^ore f^$I^,[)0O dress, aid so all the way

'doVo W the p»or people, waoseclouhes didn't

.;. pQsttopre 6ii||iuiii,8iX). i'he net orojoedi of

^ fibuiJ^aK, wuioh were to be devoted to ctiac-

' • ■Vtabli p,tufpoatts, amnmiteJ to<:$11.2i, which the

..4'0'^'^Kwiper and ticket-seller spent for hot

.....driAki.

. StMl ropej are being introluoad into the
. .BrRi»4 nxvy in pl.voa of the elamiy Hemp
; 'l|iwae!^4. I'nay had be.ter enlist a fdJV sroj I

rem nent co.itraccors r'rom V n i ica. Tiieyr-
steal ropaj, swiis, tar oajlcutj, inirliu-
^utts, oipicau bars, or anythiag else boat
Mti't'nailcd down »ad uud<

7704

guArd.

'■w;

lown the plank walk Sueps leading down tu
Valley -street, one morning, aud ran 10,'>97
pine slivers into his back and legs, aud a
Tama man than he was when he got up you
never saw.

The Massachusetts pspers are discussing
the question, " iVlay Cousins iVlarry ? We
shcmld hope so. We don't bee why a oousin
hasn't as good a right to marry as a brother
or an uucle or a hou or sister. They all got
used to cousin' after they mairy, anyhow.

Abdel Moulk Kahn, the eldest son of the
Emir of Bokhara, has made a pilgrimage to
Mecca, in accordance with the Mohammedan
custom. In this country it is customary for
tlie Moulk Kahns to Mecca a pilgrimage ti
the neartst river just before milking time.

A Burlington man, wiio is a mouoiuaniac
on the subject of roller skates.aud who speut
ninety-two days iu tue rink during the past
season, and got 8 more falls thau he haa
hairs on his liead, and ^ot himself stuck su
full of slivers that he wears througn his
clothes like a nutmeg grater, calls himself a
"hard riuker," and consequently he is haunt-
ed by traveling agaats of temperance so-
cieties.

John Thompson, of Mmoatine, ran away
from home with a circuji tlirec years ago, and
now he is poste I na the bill b »j,rds of nis nf*-
tive town as "Giovanni Tioinpeonatti, the
inimitable and im ipproachableCrVund Doubla
Flying rrapeze and i'nilo Protean Prestidigita-
teurean Acnleto-Acrobat." Oh, why should
che spirit of laortal be proud?

A-VOfHER "wild boy" has mid« his start-
ling a id erratic aupearance iu Texas, but
sinje the fact has become generally kuowii
cnat the tirst time a stranger takes a drink of ;
L'ex iS whiskey he goes out on the prairie and
looks for a clean plaje to have a tit, public oou«
d leaje iu Texas " wild boys" has been sadly
stiakea. .

The French kcow how to oook aa eg^
thrjd hun Irjd atil sixtv-live did'^ranb w tys,
aa I yet, if it is a little bilious to begin With,
cue stroiigeic uoinoinasiou of all*t.hdje ways
woa'b make » vwr/iaggy e^.of it ..

3H1 MMO»

ere married in
rs acfo, and now
CU8 to see them
each other with

la Couuty, have
1,696 pieces, aiii
a if anybody in
iaven't anythiiii;
le quilt line, but
,<htli-strcet, fel!
leading dowu tu
and ran 10,07
and lega, and a i
tn h«i got up you

■3 are discuMiDg
as Marry ? We
ee why a oousin
airry as a brother
r. They all get |
irry, anyhow.

eldest son of the
a pilgrimage to
le Mohatnmedau
is customary for
a pilgrimage tj
milking dme.

a a mouoiu^uiac
)3,aud who speut
during the past
lid thau he has
limself stuck so
'ears througti his
r, calls himself a
iiitly he i4 haunt-
temperance 80-

ratine, ran away
DC yeard ago, and
b )j.i-dd of his DA*
ioinpeunatti, the
9lti (jrVMiul Double
tetin Prestidi^jita-
Oh, yfhy should
I?

mide his st^rfc-
in Texai, but
generally kuown
.' taktis a drink of
n the prairie and
3 a tit, public uoa>
i" has been aadly

to cook an egg
I diil'jrdub w^ys,
ij to bu^iu With,
»f alt*cheje ways
,.of tt. V