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Maps, plates, charts, etc., may be filmed at different reduction ratios. Those too large to be entirely included in one exposure are filmed beginning in the upper left hand corner, left to right and top to bottom, as many frames as required. The following diagrams illustrate the method: Les cartes, planches, tableaux, etc., peuvent dtre filmds d des taux de reduction diff6rents. Lorsque le document est trop grand pour dtre reproduit en un seul clichd, il est filmd d partir de Tangle supdrieur gauche, de gauche d droite, et de haut en bas. en prenant le rombre d'images ndcessaire. Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la m6thode. 1 2 3 4 5 6 R< TI u ROB ROBERTSON'S CHEAP SERIES. POraUR READING AT POPUUR PRICES. THE RISE AND FALL OF THE MUSTACHE; AND OTHER "HAWK-EYETEMS." BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE The Humorist ot the " Burllugton Hawkeje." AMERICAN EDITION. $200, ROBERTSON'S EDITION - FIFTEEN CENTS. COMt'I^K'^rK. TOROMTO : J. Boftb RoBiBTBON, 67 Yoxaie Snasaa, 1877. y • I *} n 2V9286 P K E F A C: E To llw Aiiifvican Edition. The appearance of a new book is an inuic.ition tluit anotlier man liarj found a mission, has entej'td ujion tlie peiformaiice of a lofty uuty, actuated only by the noblest impulses that can spur tiie sou) of man to action, k. is the proudest boast of tlie profession of literature, that no man ever published a book for selHsh purposes or with ignoble aim. Books have been published for the consolation of the distressed ; for the guidance of tlie wandering ; for the relief of the destitute ; for tlie hope of the penitent ; for uplifting the burdened soul above its sorrows and fears ; for the general amelioration of the condition of \ ill mankind ; for the right against the wrong ; for the good against the bad ; for the t'uth. This book is publislied for two dollars per volume. R. J. B. THE RISE AND FALL OE THE MUSTACHE. We open our eyes in thi.s liTing world | to the quiet, happy, care-free, independent around us, in a wonder land, peopled with life of a jocuud farmer, with nothiiii,' aiider dreams, and L:."'' 'tetl with wonderful shapis; ajitl every day dawns upon us in a medley of new marvels. We are awakened from these ilreams by conract with Hard, stub- ; born facts, not rudely and h.irslily, but i gradually and ienileily. So much tliat i.s bri;^iit and beautiful, aiul lull of romance ami vv(tnder, passes away with the earlier wheat wheat. years of lite, that by the lime we are able to i didn't know earn our tirst .salary we hold ni our hands ' " only the crumpled, witiiered leaves of child- hood's simple crec(ls and loving superstitions. Year after year, the iconoclastic haiul of earnest, real lito, tears from the lofty pe- I destals upon which our loving fancy had i ensiiriued them, the gods of gold that crumble into worthless clay at our feet. We live to lose faith, at last, in "Puss in Boots ;" we cease to weep over the sad tragedy of "(Jock llobin;" there comes a time when we can read "Arabian Nights," the canopy to molest or make tiun afraid, with everv thing on tiie ])laiitatioii going on sniDothiy and lovelily, with a little rust in the oats; army worm in the (;orn; (.'olorado beetles swarming up anil dwwu tlu; potato patcli; cutworms lay ing waste the curundu^rs; curculio in the [ilums and borers in the apple trees; a new kii'd of luiii that he the name uf, dosdiatiiig the iilds; dry weather burning up the Wet weather blighting the corn; too cold for the nieloiiS, tmi dreadfully hot lor the strawberries; chickens dying wiih the pip; hogs Iteing fathered to their fathers with the cholera; slieep failing away with a complication of things that no man could remember ; horses g.tting ah)ng as well as c(«uld be expected, with a little spavin, ring bone, wolf teeth, dis- temper, heaves, blind stiiggers, collar chafe.=i, saddle galls, colic now and then, founder and then go to bed without a tremor; with occisionally, epizootic when there was noth- one heart-breaking pang at last we give up j ing else ; cattle going wild with the horn ail ; darling "Jack the Giant Killer," and ac- moth in the bee hives ; snakes in the milk knowledge him to be the fraud he stands i house ; moles in the kitchen garden — Adam confessed; it is not long after that we learn | had just about got through breaking wild to look upon William Tell as a national , land with a crooked stick, and settled down myth, and then we come to know, in spite comfortably, when the sound of the boy was of all that orthodox theology has taught us heard in the land. to the contrary, that Adam was not the first [ Did it ever occur to yon that Adam was man — that raised a mustache. Adam was | probably the most troubled and won ied i.ian too old — vhen he was born — to care very j that ever lived ? We have alv\ ays pictured much about what our fU'ander and more Adam as a care-worn looking man ; ajiuzzled gradually developed civilization considcis looking granger who would sigh fifty times a the crowning facial ornament. And after j day, ami sit down on a log aiui run ids his natural human idleness got him into perfectly natural human trouble, he was kept too l)usy raising srmethiiig t()|)iit uniler his lip, to think much about what grew above it. If Atlam wore a mustache, he uevei' raised it. It raised itself. It evolved itself out of its own inner consciou^ner.s, like a primordial germ. It grew, like the weeds on his farm, in spite of him, and to torment him. For Adam had hardly got his farm reduced to a ki: d of turbulent, weed-producing, granger Kghting. regular order of things — had scarcely settled down II resolute lin^rers tlnouirh his hair while ho wondered wiiat under tlie canopy he was gi'iiig to do with those boyn, and whatever was going to become of them. \\\i have thought too, that as often as our esteemed jiarent asivcd himself this onundrum, he gave it u\). They must have be<ti a source of constant trouble ami mystiiicati(»n to ium. For you see tliey were the first boys that humanity ever had any experience with. .\n(l tliore was no one else in the neighbourhood who had any boy, with wlntni Atlam, in his moments of perplexity, could consult. There THE RISE AND FALL wasn't a boy in the country with whom : Adam's boys were on speaking terms, and i with whom they could piay and tight. Adam, you see, laboured under the most distressing ; disadvantages that ever opposed a marrie<l ' man and the father of a family. He 1 ad I never been a boy himself, and what could he know about boy nature or boy troubles and pleasure ? His perplexity began at an early date. Imagine, if you can, the celerity with : which he kicked ott" tUe leaves, and paced up | and down in the moonlighi; the lirst time : little Cain made the welkin ring when he had ' the colic. How did Adam know what ailed I him ? He couldn't tell Eve that she had been sticking the baiiy full of pins. He | didn't even know enough to turn the vocifer- ous infaut over on his face and jolt him into I serenity. If the fence corners on his farm' had been overgrown with catnip, never an idea ! would Adam have had what to do witli it. It is probable that after he got down on his i knees and felt for snakes or rats in the bed, and thoroughly examined young Cain for [ bites or scratches, he passed him over to Eve I with the usual remark, ' • There, take him 1 and huoh him up, for heaven's sake," and went off and sat down under a distant tree with his fingers in his ears, and perplexity in his brain. And young Cain just split the uight with the most hideous howls the little world had ever listened to. It must have stirred the animals up to a degree that no menagerie has ever smce attained. There was no sleep in the vicinity of Eden that night for anybody, baby, beasts or Adam. And it is more than probable that the weeds got along start of A( am the next day, while he lay around in shady places and slept in troubled dozes, disturbed, perhaps by awful visions of possible twins and more colic. And when the other boy came along, and the boys got old enough to sleep in a bed by themselves, they had no pillows to tight with, and it is a moral impossibility for two brothers to go to bed without a fracas. And what comfort could two boys get out of pelt- ing each other with fragments of moss or bundles of brush ? What dismal views of future humanity Adam must have received from the glimpses of original sin which began to develop itself in his boys. How he must have wondered what put into their heads the thousand and oiie questions with which they plied their parents day after day. We wonder what he thought when they first began to Btring buckeyes on the cat's tail. And when night came, there was no hired girl to keep the boys quiet by telling them ghost stories, and Adam didn't even know so much as an anec- dote. Cain, when he made his appearance, was the first aud only boy in tho fair young world. And all his education depended on his inexperienced parents, who had never in their lives seen a boy until theyi saw C.iin. And there wasn't an educ itional help in the market. There wasn't an alphabet block in the county ; not even a ( entonnial illustrated handKerciiief. There were nu othe^ ii^-j^ in the republic to teach y<''n!:, ('aiu to Jic, arjd swear, .niid smoke, Mid drink, fi^lit, aud steal, iUiil thus devel<i[( the b(<y'a doniiiiLit statesmanship" and prepare him for the stfrntr political duties of his nialurcr years. There wasn't a pocket knife in the universe that h« cDuid borrow — and lose, and when he wanted to cut his linger, as all boys nmst do, now aud then, he hail to cut it with a cliim shell. There were no country relalii iis upuii whom little Cain could be iullictcd fur two or three weeks at a time, when Jiis wearied parents wanted a little rest. Tliere ^' is nothing for him to jday wiih. A(l;au ''.luiil.i't sliow him how to make a kite. He hail a much better idea, of angels' wings than he had of a kite. And if little Cain had even asked for such a simple bit of mechanism as a shinny club, Adam would have gone out into the depthi of the primeval forest and wept in sheer mor- tification and helpless, confessed ignorance. I don't wonder that Cain turned out bad. I always said he would. For his entire educa* tion depended upon a most ignorant man, a man in the very palmiest days of his ignor- ance, who couldn't have known kss if he had tried all his life on a high salary and had a man to help him. And the boy's education had to be conducted entirely upon the cate- chetical system ; ouly, in this instance, the boy pupil ask 3d the questions, and his parent teachers, heaven help them, tried to answer them. And they had to answer at them. For they could not take refuge from th« steady stream of questions that poured in upon them day after day, by interpolating a fairy story, ay you do when your boy asks you questions about something of which you never heard. For how could Adam begin, "Once upon a time," when with one quick, incisive question, Cain could pin him right back against the dead wall of creation, and make him either specify exactly what time, or acknowledge the fraud ? How could Eve tell him about "Jack and the bean stalk," when Cain, fairly crazy for some one to play with, knew perfectly well there was not, and never had been, another boy ou the plantation ? And as day by day Cain brought home things in his hands about which to ask questions, that uo mortal could answer, tow (jrateful his bewildered parents j must have been that he bad no pockets in I which to transport his collections. For many I generations came into the fair young world, I got into no end of trouble, aud died out of it, before a b to make greater th thatsavei' insanity little Cait ance of th talked to have gon( of the eai look after her boy have bee like a luf Becaus work ai in those was crov by the ingly unf by, prod and Cain pa ! wha to saw Sunday, OF TflR MUSTACHE. inded on never in iw Cain. p iu the block in ustrated ''./■^ la t .stfriicr before a boy's pocket solved the problem how to make tlie thing coutaiueil seven times greater than the container. Tiie only tiling thatsaved Adam aiid Kvet'iominterrogational insanity was the paucity of language. If little Cain had po3.«iessed the verbal abund- ance of the language in which men are to-day talked to death, his father'.s bald head would have gone down in shining Higlit to the ends of the earth to escape hiiri, leaving Kve to look after the stock, save the croji, and raise her boy as best she could. Which wmild have been, f),0()0 years ago, as to-day, just like a man. Because, it was no offhand, absent-minded work answering questions about things | in those spacious old days tIicu there j was crowds of room, and everything grew I by the acre. When a placid, but exceed- : ingly unanimous looking animal went rolling by, producing tlic general cHect of an eclipse, ' and Cain wouM shunt, " Oh, lookee, lookee ] pa ! what's that ?" the patient Adam, trying to saw enou;;li kitchen wood to last over ; Sunday, with a iiiece of flint, would have to 1 pause and gather up words enough to say : j " That, my son ? That is only a mastodon ! giganteu3 ; he lias a bad look, Init a Chris- ■ tian temi)er. " j And then, presently : " Oh, pop ! pop ! What's that over yon ?" | "Oh, bother," Adam wouM reply; " it's i only a paleotlierium, inauiinalia pachyder- mata. " "Oh, yes; theliocomeaftcrus. Oh ! lookeo, lookee at this 'un !" " Where, Caimiy ? Oh, that in the mud ? That's only an ace[»halia lamelli branchiata. It won't bite you, but you musii't eat it. It's poison as politics, "' " Whee ! See there ! see, see, see I What's him ?" "Oh, that? Ijooks like a plesiosaurus ; keep out of his way ; he has a jaw like your mother," " Oh yes ; a plenosserus. And what's that fellow, poi>py ?" "That's a silurns malapterus. Don't you go near him, for lie lias the disposition of a Ueorgia mule. " " Oh, yes ; a Rla])terua. little one ?" " Oh, it's nothing but Where did you get it'? throwing stones at that acanthopterygian ; do you want to be kicked? And keep away from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My stars, Eve ! where did he get that anonaceo- hydrocharideo-nymphieoid ? Do you never look after him at all? Here, you Cain, get right away down from there, and chase that megalosauriuH out of the melon patch, or I'll set the monopleuro brauchian on you. " And what's this an aristolochioid. There now, quit Just think of it. Christian man with a family to support, with last year's stock on your slielves, and a draft as long as a clothes- line to pay to-mo./ow ! Think of it, woman with all a woman's love and constancy, and a woman's sympathetic nature, with three meals a day 3().) times a year to think of, and the Hies to chase out of the sitting- room ; think, if your cherub boy was the only boy in the wide wide world, and all his (jucstions whicTi now radiate in a thousand directions auKjng other boys, who tell iiim lies and help him to cut his eye-teeth, were focused upon ! Adam had only one consida- ti(ni that has been denied his more remote descendants. His boy never belonged tt) a base ball club, and never teased his father from tiie first of Xovembcr till the last of March for a pair of skates. Well, you have no time to pity .Adam. You have your own boy to loOiC after. Or, your neiglibour has a boy, whom you can look after much more closely than his mother does, and much more to your own satisfaction than to the boy's comfort. Your l,>oy is, as Adam's boy was, an animal that asks questions. If there were any truth in the ol I theory of the transmigration of souls, when a boy dieil he would ])ass into an inter- rogation point. And he'd stay there. He'd never get out of it ; for he never gets through asking questions. The older he grows the more he asks, and the more perplexing his questions are, and the more unreasonable he is about wanting them answered to su't himself. Why, the oldest boy I ever knew — he was fifty-seven years old, and I went to school to him — could and did ask the longtst, hardest, crookedest questions, that no fellow, who used to trade of all his boolis for a pair of skates and a knife with a corkscrew in t, could answer. And when his questions were not answered to suit him, it was his custom — a custom more honoured iu the ; bree dies, we used to think, than in the ob- i Ecrvance — to take up a long, slender, but I exceedingly tenacious rod, which lay ever • near the big dictionary, and smite with it I the boy whose naturally derived Adamic ig- j uorancc was made manifest. Ah me, if the I boy could only do as he is done by, and fer- I ule the man or woman who fails to reply to : his inquiries, as he is himself corrected for j similar ahortcomitigs, what a valley of tears, what a literally howling wilderness he could and would make of this world. Your boy, asking to-day pretty much the same questions, with heaven knows how many additional ones, that Adam's boy did, is told every time he asks one that you don't know anything about, just as Adam told Cain fifty times a day, that he will know all THE RISE AND FALL about it when he in a mean. And so from | sends the entire family to the cemetery hy the (lays of Cain down to the present wick- ! making practical tests of his teas, eder generation of boys, the boy ever looks I And as hia knowledge broadens, forward to the time when he will be a man ' his human superstition develops .and know everything. That happy, far | itself. He has a formula, repeat- away, omniscient, unattainable )nanhood, j iny which nine times a daj', wlii!e pointing which never comes to your iioy ; which his finger fixedly toward the sun, will cause would never come to him if he lived a ! warts to dinappear from the hand, or, to use tliou.sand years; manliood, that like boy- 1 his own expression, will " knock warts." If hood, evtr looks forward from day to day to ; the eight day clock at home tells liim it is the morrow ; still peering into the future for ' two o'clock, and the Hying leaves of the dan- brighter light and broader knowledge : day ' deliou declare it is half-past Hve, he will after day, as its world opens I.efore it, ' stanil or fall with the dandel on. He has u stundding up<m ever new and unsolred inys- foi mula, V)y which any thing that has been terit-s ; manhood, wliose wis loui is folly and lost may be found. He has, above all things, whose light is often darkness, and whose a natural, infallible instinct for the woods, knowledge Is .selrishness ; manhood, that so : and can no more l)e lost in them than a squir- often looks over its shoulder and glances j rel. If the cow does not come home — and if back toward loyliood, wli^n its knowleilge i she is a town cow, like a town man, she does was at least always e(pial to its day ; man- not come home tliree nights in the week — hood, that a'tcr groping for years through ! you loose half a day of valuable time looking tangled labyrinths of failing human tlieories , for her. Then you pay a man three d(dlars and tottering human wisdom, at last only 1 to look for lier two d.-ij's longer, or so long as rises to the sublimity of childhood, only , the apjjropriation holds out. Finally, a reuchcs'the grandeur of boyhood, and acce])t3 ' quarter sends a boy to the woods ; he comes the grandest, eternal truths of the universe, back at milking time, whistling the tune truths that it does not comprehend, truths ; that no man ever imitated, and the cow am- that it cannot, by searching, lind out, ac- \ bles contentedly along before him. He has cepting and believing them with the . iniple, one particular marble which he regards with umjuestioning faith of childhood in Truth , about the same superstitious reverence that itself. I a pagan does his idol, and his Sunday-school An i now, your boy, not entirely ceasing i teacher can't drrve it out of him, either, to ask questions, begins to answer them, un- , Carnelian, crystal, bull's eye, china, pottery, til you stand amazed at the breadth and : boly. blood alley, or coinmie, whatever he depth of his knowh dge. He asks questions I may call it, there is " luck in it." When he and gets answers of teachers that you and | loses this marble, he sees panic and bank- the school liomd know nothing of. Day by ! ruptcy ahead of him, an<l retires from busi- day, great unprip.tcd books, upon the broad pages of M Inch the hand of nature has traced characters that only a boj' can read, are ness prudently, before the crash comes, fail- ing, in the true centennial style, with both pockets and a cigar box full of winnings, and sinead out betorc him. He knows now | a creditors' meeting in aback room. A Ixiy's where the (irst snov,--drop lifts its tiny head. | world is o]ien to no one but a boy. You a pearl on the bottom of the liarreii eait'i, in i never really revisit the glimpses of yi.ur boy- the iSpriiig; he kiiovs where the last Indian ! liood, much as you dream of it. After you i)iiik lingers, a fl.urie in the brown and ruist- i get into a tail coat, and tipht Vxiots, you never ing woods, in the autuiiin dajs. His pock-j again set foot in boy v\or]d. 'Sou lose this ets arc cabir.ets, from wliieli hi: drag.s cnrious ■ marvellous instinct for t!ic woods, you can't fossils tiiat he does not knov,' tlie names of; | tell a ]ii>j:-nut tree fn-r.) a pec:ui tree ; you monstrous and hideous beetles and bugs and things that j'ou never saw before, and for which he h: s apjTojriate names of hisov.;:^ He hiiows where there are three oriel s iiosts, and so far as you t\'vn rem em 1 '■;■•. you never s;iw an oriole's nest in your life. He can tell yon liow to distinguish tlie good mushrooms from the poisonous one**, and ])oiRon grapes from good ones, and how he ever round out ex(;ei)t by eating both kinds, is a inysteiy to hi^ motiier. Every root, T)U<1, betrv ir baric, that will make any Itit- ter, horrible, semi-]joi8onous tea, rejnited to have marvellous medii'inal virtues, he knows where to find, and brings home, and all but can't make friends with strange dogs ; you can't mnketlicterriHcnoises with your mouth, you can't invent the inimitable signals or the characteristic catehwords of boyhood. He is getting on, is your boy. He reaches the dime novel uge. He wants to lie a mis- sionary. Or a'pii'ate. So fai- as he expresses any i)refeiei)ce, he would rather be a pirate, an occujiation in which there are more chances for making money, and fewer o])j)0) tunities for I'eiiiu devoured. He develops a yearning love for school and study about this time, also, and everv time he dreams of being a pi- rate he dreams of hanging his dear teacher at the yard arm in the presence of the de- lightetl sc more rapi' In the } street, ar is a patch his neck < to drown He whisp dinary, c He excha his father liviu'g in t teresting mediate satisfai'ti less d'sn hatred f walking feet nevi and his I using it ; the othe less habi water pi the saint the drye manages the car] door m; years ol a scrapt time, \k out mys of the w larity, a tidence, buy hiii hat in than lit it up tl the cro hat rac son Cr make harder casion, shelve itself, water of me he giv When clotht cause philoi rrof. Becai see T cing link, are wait fort OF THE MUSTACHE. etery by lighted SL-holars. His voice develops, even more rapiilly and thorouirhly than his morals, roadens, In the jard, on the houae too, down the develops street, around the corner ; wherever there repeat- is a patch of i ; big enough for him to breaii pointing his neck on, or a pond of water »leep enough ill cause to drown in, the voice of ymir boy is heard. )r, to use He whispers in a shout, and converses, in or- 1 '.rts. ■' Ff dinary, confiilential moments, in a shriek. ! him ii is He exchan,L;ea bits of back-fenee gossip about I the dan- his father s domestic matters witli the boy : he will living in the a'ljaieufc township, to which in- j Je lias a teresting revelations of home life the inter- 1 las been mediate neighl)ourhood listens with inten.se | 1 things, satisfaction, and the two home circles in help- | e woods, less dismay. He has an unconqueralde | a squir- hatred f >r company, and an aversion for e — and if walking dawn stairs. For a year or two his ! she does feet never touch the stairway in hisdescent, | week — and his habit of polishing t lie stair rail by ; e looking using it as a passenger tramway, soon breaks ■ e dollars the other members of the family of the care- | less habit of setting the hall lamp or the ; water pitcher on the baUister post. He wears ! the same sized boots as his father ; ynd on i the dryest, <lustiest days in the year, always j manages to convey some mud on ' the carpets. He carefully steps over the | door mat, and until he is about seventeen j years old, he actually never knew there was a scraper at the front porch. About this time, bold but inartistic pencil sketches break out mysteriously on the alluring back ground of the w 11 paper. He asks, with great regu- larity, alarming frequency, and growing dif- lidence, for j, new hat. You might as well buy him a new dispositi(m. He wears his hat in the air and on the ground far more than he does on his head, and he never hang? it up that he doesn't pull the hook through the crown ; unless the hook breaks off or the hat rack pulls over. Ho is a perfect Robin- son Crusoe in inventive genius. He can make a kite that will lly higher and pull harder than a biilloon. He can, and, on oc- casion, will, lake out a couple of the pantry shelves and make a sled that i.s amazement itself. The mouse-trap he builds out of the water pitcher and tliefan jly bible is a marvel of meciiaiiic.il ingenuity tSo is the excuse he gives for such a sele(.:tii ii of raw niaterial. When suddenly, some Monday morning, tho clothes line, \\itliout any just or appaiciit cause or provocation, shrinks sixteen feet, philosophy can not lu.vke yon believe that Prof. Tice' did it with his little barometer. Because, far down the dusty street, you can see T(nn in the dim ilistance, driving a pran- cing team, six-in-luvnd, with the missing link. You send him on an errand. There are three ladies in the parlour. Yon have waited, as long as you can, in all courtesy, for them to go. They iiave develoijed alarm- ing symptoms of staying to tea. And you knew there aren't half enough strawberries to go around. It is only three minutes' walk to the grocery, however, and Tom sets off like a rocket, and you are so pleased with his celerity and ready good nature that you want to run after him and kiss him. He is gone a long time, however. Ten minutes be- come fifteen, fifteen grow into twenty ; the twenty swell into the half hour, and your guests exchange very significant glances as the half becomes three-quarters. Your boy returns at la.st. Apiirehension in his down- cast eyes, humi'ity in his laggard step, peni- tence in the appealing slouch of his battered hat, and a pound and a half of shingle nails in his liands. "Mother," he says, "what else was it you told me to get besides the nails '( ' And while you are counting your scanty store of berries to make them go round without a fraction, you hear Tom out in the back yard whistling and hammering away, building a dog houae with the nails you never told him to get. Poor Tom, he loves at this age quite as ar- dently as he makes mistakes and mischief. And ho is repulsed quite as ardently as he makes love. If he hugs his sister, he musses her rufHe, and gets cuffed for it. Two hi ura later, another boy, not more than twenty- two or twenty-three years older than Tom, some neighbour's Tom, will come in, and will just make the most hopeless, terrible, chaotic wreck of that ruffle that lace or footing can be distorted into. And the only reproof he gets is the reproachful murmur," Must he go so soon ? ' when he doesn't make a movement to go until he hears the alarm clock go off up stairs and the old gentleman in the adjoining room banging around building the morning tires, and loudly wondering if young Mr. Bostwick is going to stay to breakfast ? Tom is at this age set in deadly enmity against company, \vhich he soons learns tore- garn as his mortal foe. He regards con-pany , as a mysterious and eminently respectful I delegation that always stays to di::uer, i invariably crowds liitn to the second table, I never leaves him any of the pie, I aiid generally makes him late for 1 tichool. Naturally, he learns to h)ve refined society, but in a conservative, nun-commit- tal sort of a way, dissembling his love so eliectually that even his parents never dream of its existence until it is gone. P(.>or Turn, his life is not all comedy at this period. Go up to your boy's room some night, and his sleeping face will preach yon a sermon on the griefs and troubles that sometimes weigh his little heart down almost to breaking, more eloquently than the lips of a Spufgeou could picture them. The cur- tain has fallen on one day's act in the uiama THE RISE AND FALL of his active little life. The resUess little feet that all day long have pattered ao far — down diifity streetH, over scorching pave- ments, tlirough long stretches of quiet wooded lanes, along the winding cattle paths in the derp. .silent wood.s ; that have dahhled in the cool brook.s where it wrangles and scolds over tlie shining pebbles, that have filled your house with noise and dust and racket, ^are still. The stained hand outside the sheet is soileil and rough, and the cut finger with the rude bandage of the boy's own surgery, pleads with a mute, effective pathos of its own, for the mischievous hand that is never idle. On the brown cheek the trace of a tear marks the piteous close of the day's troubles, the closing scene in the troubled drama ; trouble at school with books that were too many for him ; trouble with temptations to have unlawful fun that were too strong for him, as they are fre- quently too strong for his father ; trouble in the street with ])oys that were too big for him ; and at iant, in his home, in his castle, his refuae, trouble has pursued him until, feeling ut^erlj* friendless and in everybody's way, he lias crawled off to the dismantled den, dignified by the title of "the boy's room," and liis over-charged heart has welled up into his eyes, and his last waking breath has broken into a sol), and just as he begins to think that after all, life is only one broad sea ot troubles, whose restless billows, in never-ending succession, break and beat and double and dash upon the short shore line of a boy's life, he has drifted away into the wonderland of a boy's sleep, where fairy fin- gers picture his dreams. How soundly, deeply, peacefully he sleeps. No' mother who has never dragged a sleepy boy ott" the lounge at 9 o'clock, and hauled him off up stairs to bed, can know with what a hercu- lean grip a square sleep takes hold of a boy's senses, nor how fearfully and wonderfully limp and nerveless it makes him ; nor how, in direct antagonism to all established laws of anatomy, it deveiops'i joints that work both ways, all the way up and down that boy. And what pen can portray the wonder- ful enchantment of a boy's dreamland ! No marvellous visions wrought by the weird, strange power of hasheesh, no dreams that come to the sleep of jaded woman or tired man, no ghastly spectres that dance atten- dance upon cold mince pie, but shrink into tiresome, stale, and tiifling commonplaces compared with the marvellous, the grotesque, the wonderful, the terrible, the beautiful and the enchanting scenes and people of a boy's dreamland. "This may be owing, in a gi-eat measure, to the fact that the boy never relates his dream until all the other members of the family have related theirs ; and^then he comes in, like a back country, with the ne- cessary majority ; like the directory of a western city, following the census of a rival town. Tom is a miniature Ishmaelite at this period of his career. His hand is against every man, and about every man's hand, and nearly every woman's hand, is against him, ofl[" and on. Often, and then the iron enters his soul, the hand that is .against him holds the slipper. He wears his mother's slipper on his jncket quite as often as she wears it on her foot. And this is all wrong, unchristian and unpolitic. It spreads the slipper and discoaroges the boy. When he reads in his Sunday-school lesson that the wicked stand on slippery places, he takes it as a direct personal reference, and he is af- fronted, and maybe the seeds of atheism are implanted in his breast. Moreover, this re- peated application of the slipper not only sours his temper, and gives a bias to his moral ideas, but it sharpens his wits. How many a Christian mother, her soft eyes swimmin|2 in tears of real jjain that plashed up from the depths of a loving heart, as she bent over her wayward boy until his heart- rending wails and piteous shrieks drowned her own choking sympathetic sobs, has been wasting her strength, and wearing out a good slipper, and pouring our all that price- less riood of mother love and duty and pity and tender sympathy upon a concealed atlas- back, or a Saginaw shingle. It is a historical fact that no boy is ever whipped twice for precisely the same offence. He varies and improves a little on every rep- etition of the prank, until at last he reaches a point where detection is almost impossible. He is a big boy then, and glides almost im- perceptibly from the discipline of his father, under the surveillance of the police. By easy stages he passes into the uncom- fortable period of boyhood. His jacket de- velops into a tail-coat. The boy of to-day, who is slipped into a hollow, unabbreviated mocker> of a tail-coat, when he is taken out of long dresses, has no idea — not the faintest conception ( f the grandeur, the momentous importance of the epoch in a boy's life that was marked by the transition from the old- fashioned cadet roundabout to the tail-coat, it is an experience that heaven, ever chary of its choicest blessings, and mindful of the decadence of the race of boys, has not vouch- safed to the untoward, forsaken boys of this wicked generation. When the roundabout went out of fashion, the heroic race of boya passed away from earth, and weeping nature sobbed and broke the moulds. "The fashion that started a boy of six years on his pil- grimage of life iu a miniature edition of his father s coat, marked » period of retrogrea- II. OF THE MUSTACHE. 9 th the ne- ctory of a of a rival e at this is against hand, and ainst him, iron enters him liolds mother's often as this is all It spreads y. When n that the le takes it he is af- theism are r, this re- not only ias to his its. How soft eyes ,t plashed irt, as she liis heart- drowned has been ■iiig out a lat price- and pity aled atlas- oy is ever le od'ence. 3 very rep- le reaches npossible. Imost im- lis father, e uncom- acket de- f to-day, breviated iaken out e faintest jmeutous life that 1 the old- tail-coat, er chary ul of the )t vouch- es of this [ndabout I of boys g nature i fashion 1 his pil- }n of hia itrogrea- sion in the aftairs of men, and stamped a de- cayinj^ and dogenerate race. Tliere arc no bo3'3 now, or very few at least, such as peo- pled tlie grand old earth wlien the men of our age wore boys And tliat it is so, socie- ty is to be congratulated. The step from the roundabout to the tail-coat was a leap in life. It was tiie buy lulus, dotting tho /ir<'- tcpjr.ta and flinging upon his slionlderss tlio hji/n viri,ll.-< of .lulius : I'atroclus, donning thi; armour of Achilles, in which to go for'.li and be Hectored to death. Tom is slow to realize the grandeur of that tail-coat, liowcver, on its trial trip. How differently it fools from his good, snug- fit- ting, comfortable old jacket. It tits him too nuicli in every direction, lie knows. Every now and then he stops, witli a gasj) of terror, feelnig positive, from tlie awful sensa- tion of nothiuL'uess about tiio neck, that the entire collar has fallen otF lu the street. The tails are i)rairio'<, the pockets are cav- erns, and the liack is one vast, illimitable, stretching waste. How Touisiilles along as close to tJH! fence as lie can scrajie, a" 1 what a wary eye he keeps in every direction for other boys. When lie forgets the school, he is half tempted to feel proud of his toga ; but when he thinks of the boys, and the recep- tion that awaits him, his heart sinks, and he is tempted to go l)ack home, squeak tij) stairs, and rescue his worn tdd jacket from the rag- bag. He glances in terror at his distorted shadow on the fence, and, confident that it is a faithfid outline nf his figure, he knows that he h;is worn his father's coat off by mistake. He tries various methods of buttoning his coat, to make it conform nu)re harmoniously to his figure and his ideas of tlie eternal fitness of things. He buttons just the lever button, and immediately it Hies allabroal at the shoulders, and he beholds himself an exaggerated maunikin of "C'ap'n Cuttle." Then he fastens just the upper buttons, and the frantic tails flap and flutter like a clothes- line in a cyclone. Then he buttons it all up, a la militairp, and tries to Iof>k soldierly, but the effect is so theological-studently that it frightens him until his heart stops beating. As he reaches the last friendly corner that shields him from the pitiless gaze of the boys he can hear howling and shrieking not fifty yards away, he pauses to give the final ad- justment to the manly and unmanageable raiment. It is bigger and looser. Happier and wri»klier than ever. New and startling folds, and unexpected wrinkles, and uncon- templated bulges develop themselves, like masked batteries, just when and where their effect will be most demoralizing. And a new horror discloses itself at this trying and awful jancture. He wants to lie down on the side- walk and try to die. For the first time he notices the colour of his coat. Hiiicous ! He has b(!en duped, swindled, betrayed - made a monstrous idiot by tliat siIver-tontiiu;d sales- miiu, who iias palmed off upon him a coat 2,0()() years old ; a coat that the most sweetly enthusiastic anil terribly niisinforuioil women's missionary society would hesitate to otf'er a wild Hottentot ; ami wtiich tlio most benighted, old-fashioned Hottentot that ever disdained clotlies, would certainly blush to wear in the d;i.rk, and wouhl probably driclino with thanks. Oh madness! 'Lne colour is no coli>ur. It is all cokairs. It is a brindle — a vcritalile, untleniable brindle. 'i'lmro must have been a faViulons auKUUit of brindle cloth made up into boys" first coats, sixteen or eighteen or nineteen years ago ; because, f)ut of S!»4 — I like to bo exact in the use of figures, because nothing else in the world lends such an air of profound truthfulness to a discourse- (Viit of 8'.)4 Iioyu I knew in their lirt^t tail-coat pel iod. 8tl.S c;i;ne to sidiool in brindle coats. And the other one —tlie 804th boy — made his wretciied debut in a bottle- green toga, with dreailful glaring l)rass but- tons. He left school very suddenly, and we always believed tliat the angels saw him in that coat, and ran away with him. But Tom, shivering with apprehension, and faint witii mortiticati(Ui over the discovery of this new horror, gives one lawt despairing si^rooch of his shoulders, to make the coat hiok shorter, and, with a liiial frantic tug at the tails, to make it apjiear longer, steps oat from the protecting' a>gis of tne corner, is stunned with a vocal hurricane of "Oh, what a coat !" and his cup of misery is as full as a rag-bag in three minutes. Passing into the tail coat period, Tom awakens to a knowledge of the lu'oad physi- cal truth, that he has hands. He is not very positive in his own mind how many. At times he is ready to swear to an even l.vo ; one pair ; gootl hand. Again, when cruel fate and the liou-appearanco or some one's else brother has conifielled him to accompany his sister to a church sociable, he can see eleven ; and as he sits bolt ujjright in the grimmest of straight-back chairs, plastered right up against the wall, as the "sociable " custom is, or used to be, trying to find enough unoccupied pockets in which to sequester all his hands, he is dimly conscious that hands should come in pairs, and vaguely wonders, if he has only five pair of regularly ordained hands, where this odd hand came from. And hitherto, Tom has been content to encase his feet in anything that would stay on them. Now, however, he has an eye for a glove-fitting boot, and learns to wreathe his face in smiles, hollow, heartless, deceitful smiles, while his boots are as full of agony 10 THE RISE AND FALL &B a broken heart, and his tortured feet cry out for vengeance upon the shoemaker, and make Tom feel that life is a hollow mockery and there is nothing real but soft corns and bunions. And : His mother never cuts his hair again. Never. Wlien Tom assumes the manly gown she has looked her last upon his head, with trimming ideas. His hair will he trimmed and clipped, barberously it may be, but she will not be acscissory before the fact. She may sometimes long to have her boy kneel down l)efore her, while she gnaws around his terrified locks with a pair of scis- sors that were sharpened when they were made ; and have since then cut acres of calico, and miles and miles of paper, and great stretches of cloth, and snarls and coils of string ; and furlongs of lamp wick ; and have suutfed caudles ; and dug refractory corks out of the family ink bottle; and punched holes in skate straps ; and trimmed the family nails ; and have even done their level best, at the annual struggle, to cut stove-pipe lengths in two; and have success fully 0|->ened oyster and fruit cans; and prieo up carpet tacks; and have many a time and oft gone snarlingly and toilsomely around Tom's head, :ind made him an object of terror to tlie children in the street, and made hiiu look so much like a yearling colt with tlie run of a bur pasture, tliat jieople have been afraid to approach him too suddenly, lest he tjl.ould jump through his collar and run away. He fee's tor, tlie dawning consciousness of another grand truth in the human economy. It dawns upon his deepening intelligence with the inlierent strength and tlie unquestioned truth of a new revelation, that man's upper li[) was clesigneil by naturo for a niustacho pasture. How tenderly nsscrved ho is wlien he is l)roiiilini|, over this momentousdihcoveiy. With what exquisite caution and delicacy arc his primal iuvcstiLratioiis conducted. In Ins niicroM;(i| io.d resoarcuv:", it a]Hiears In him that tlic down on his upper lip is cer- tainly ninie dettr.nineddown ; more positive, more proiiduiiccil. more iiidivuliiiil fiiz/ than that ^viiich vcLietates in neglected teudtinies.i upon liis cht'Dlvs. iliMuakes cautious explor- ations ailing the land of promise with tiie tip of iii.s L"nderes linger, delicately l)acking up the grade the wrong wny, going always a^'ain>t the grain, that he may the more readily detect the slightest symptom of an uprising ))y the linst feeling of velvet} re- siataiuje. Ami day by day lie is more and more lirmly ciuivincod tliat there isin his li|>, the primordial germs, the [)rotophism of a gicuy that will, in its full devilopment, eclipse even the majesty and grandeur of hia first tail eoat. And in the first dawning consciousness that the mustache is there, lik« the vote, ami only needs to be brought out, how often Tom walks down to the baiber shop, gazes longingly in at the window, and walks past. And how often, when he musters up sufficient courage to go in, and climbs into the chair, and is just on the point oi huskily whispering to the barber that he would like a shave, the entrance of a man with a beard like Frederick Barbarossa, frightens away his resolution, and he has his hair cut again. The third time that week, and it is so short that the barber has to hole' it with his teeth while he files it off, and parts it with a straight edge and a scratch awl. Naturally driven from the barber chair, Tom casts longing eyes upon the ancestral shaving machinery at home. And whi> shall say by what means he at length obtains possession of the pater- nal razor? No one. Nobody knows. No- body ever did know. Even the searching investigation that always follows the paternal demand for the immetliate extradition of whoever opened a fruit can with tliat razor, which always fullows Tom's iirst shave, is always, and ever will be, barren of results, All that we know about it is, that Tom holds the razor in his hand about a minute, won- dering what to do with it, before ilie blade falls across his lingers and cuts every one of them. First blood claimed and allowed, for the lazor. Then he straps the razor furiously. Or rather, he razors the strap. He slashes and cuts that pas'sive implement in as many directions as he can make motions with t!ie razor. He would cut it oftener if the strap lasted longer. Then he nicks the razor against the side of the mug. Tlien he drops it on the floor and steps on it and nicks it again. They are small nicks, not ho large by half as a saw tooth, and he ilatters iniiisclf his father will never see thoiu. Thtn ho soaks the razor in hot vvatfr, as he has seen his father do. Then he takes it our, at a ti'inperature anyvvlicre under 980 - I'alin'u- I heit, and lays ic aiiainst his tdicck. and raises a Ijli.'vtor there tin? size of the razor, as he never .saw his father do, but aa 'lis father I most assniedly di ', many, many yrars liefnro Tom met him. Then he made a variety of indcscriltable i.;riniac<s and laltial contortions iu a frcnzieil t^trort to get hi* upjier lij) into approachable shape, and at last, the (bst of- fer he makes at his embryo mustache, he slashes his nope w ith a vigorous uoper cut. He gashes the corners of liismontli ; wliere- es'cr those nicks touch his clicelc they leave a scratch apiece, and he hams what a good nick in a raifor is for, and at last when he liys the lOood stained weajxmdoM'n. his gory li[) looks as though it liad just come out of a OF THE MUSTACHE. II ; dawning there, lika )iij;ht out, ihe haiber idow, and when he |o in, and Lst on the the bather tniiiee of a {arliiirossa, he has !iis thiit week, )arber has le he files straight illy driven jiigingeyes hinery at hat means the pater- lows. No- e searching he paternal riiditiou of tliat razor, st shave, is 1 of results, Tom holds innte, won- e ihe blade jvery one of allowed, for )r furiously. He slashes in as many ma with tl-.e if the strap the razor len he drops .nd nicks it 1 so lnri;e by ters iiiiiiself . Thrn ho he lins seen it our, at a )- Kahrcn- V. 'Mul laises •azor, ;is he s 'lis father yfars liefuro n v:iricty of contortions ipiT lip into Ihe first, of- lUi^t.'ifhe, he niiper cut. ifh ; where- k they leave N'hat a good Mst when he iwn, his gory onie out of a long, stubborn, exciting contest with a straw roots, and will know just as much as ignorant, cutter. untaught, 'stupid little Cain knew on the But he learns to shave, after a while— just same subject, Vcaj- after year, century after before he cuts his lip clear off. He has to unfolding century, how true it is that the take quite a course of instruction, however, lion on the fence is always bigj.'er, ticicer, in that great school of expcriem e about ' and more given to majestic attUudes and which the old philosopher hud a remark to dniniutic situations than the lion in the tent, make. It is a grand old school; the only j And yet it costs us, often as the circu.s comes school aD which men will study and learn, L-iniMnd, tifty ctyits to find that out. each for himself. One man's expenencel But while we have been moralizing, Tom's never does another man any good; never | mustache has taken a start. It has attained did and never will teach auLchtr man any- i the nhvsii;al density, though not tlie colour, thing. If the philosopher had said it was a | by any means, of the Egyptian daikness— hard school, but t.hat .^onie men would learn j it '-an be felt; and it is felt ; very s- oft felt. atno other than this graml old school of ex- ! The world begins to ake notice ot the new- pcience, we might have inferred that all i comer ; and Toni, as generations of '1 oms be- women, and most l)oys, ami a few men were i fore lam have done, patiently < iidures dark exempt from its hard teachings. fJut he ! hints from other members of the family about used the more comprehensive term, if you re- i his face being dirty- He loftily ignores his member what that is, and took us all in. We I experienced father's suggestions that he have all been there. 'J'liere is no other school, . shnulil perform his tonsorial toilet with a in fact. Poor little t,'ain ; dear, lonesome, | spoonful of cream and the family cat. When wicked little (.'ain — 1 know it isn't fashion- | his sisters, in meekly dissembled ignorance able to pet him : I know it is popular to j and innocence, imjuire, "Tom, what liam 8i)eak harshly a:id savagely about our widest ' j'ou on your lip ? " he is austere, as becomes brother, when the fact is we resemble him ! a man annoyed by the frivolous small talk of more closely in disposition than any other ' women. Antl when his younger l>iother member «)f the family— poor little Cain ' takes advantage of the presence of a nu- uever knew the dilference between his i merous company in the house, to shriek over father s sunburned nose and a glowing coal, ] the baluster- up stairs, apparently tn any boy until lie had pulled the one and jiicked nj) ! anywhere this side of China, "'i'om's a raisin' the other. And Abel had to find out thodif- | inustashers ! " Tom smiles, a w.m, neglect- ference in tiie same vay, although he was ' cd-oiphan smile ; a smile that looks as though told five hundred times, Sy his biother's ex- ! it had come up on his taee to weep over the perience, that the coal would burn him and I barrenness of the land ; a perfect ghost of a the nose wouldn't. And Cain's boy wouUln't i smile, as compared with the rugged 7x9 believe that fire was any hotter than an i smiles that play like animated crescents over icicle, until he made a digital e.vperiment, ' tlie countenances of the comiuiny. iiut the and understood why tliey called it tire. And ' mustache grows Jt conns on apace ; very 80 Enoch and Methuselah, unl Moses, and , short m the middle, very no longer at the Daniel, and Solomon, anil (jesar, and Na- ends, and very blonde all round. Whenever noleon, and Washington, and the you see such a mustache, do noi. lauuh at it ; Vresidcnt, and the C>overiior, and the ilo not point at the slow, iiiimoviii;_' linger of M.iyor, and you and i, have all senrn. I'.rii'uur'age it; speak kindly ot' it; ofn.-^,at orictniKMM' another, in one way or an- allcet admiration forit ; eo.ix italong. I'ray other, burned our tiiijiers at the s;iuic old f')r it-for it is a first. I'hey aiuays come fires thit have -corchcd iiunian lingers in tlu; , that way. And when, in the fulness (f time, same ihO:ioren tea old wa\ s, at the same ee \ it has dcvi'li>ped so f.ir that it can l.t |:iiiled, liable stands, foi' the past (i.OOO years; and there is all the agony of iiiakingittakc cnh. ur. all the veilial mslructi'm between here and It is worse, ;uiil in ire niistniate, ami more the silent Lirave eoiililn't teach \is so iiiuc!], ' dcliliciali! ihan a nieer.- eiiauni. The .sun, or to tea h it so llioioii';ldy, as one well di- i that tans Tom's cheeks ami blisters his nose, rec ted singe. And a millinn nf yuii-. fidm j mily bleaches his mustache. Nothing ever no\\ if tliis dr'cary old world may einiure . hasttJns its colour ; nothing dues it any per- flo loin.'--wlM!n iuiinau kno\\ ledge shall fall a i nianent good, noihinu but patience, and little shoit .)f 1 lu' inlinit(!, and all the lore 1 faith, ami persistent (nillinn. and erudition of this wonderful age will be With all tlic comedy liiei'e is aimut it, how- but tlie primer of that day of lii.dit - the haby evur, ios is the grand period ot a I'oy s life, that is bjirn into the \,'oi)d of knowledge and • Vou Uiok at them, witli their caiele^ss, easy, wisibnn and progress, rich with all the years i natural manners and movements in tin- streets of hunran experience, will cry for the lamj), i and on the base ball grmind, and their mar- aud, the very first time th.it o|ipoitunity fa- : veilous. systematic, indeset iliali'c, inimrtable vours it, will try to pull the llauic up by the i and complex awkwardness in your parlours, IL THE RISE AND FATL and do you never dream, looking at those j and France, were boys — schoolboys — the boy young fellows, of the overshadowing : conscripts of France, torn from their homes destinies awaiting then>, the mighty strug- gles mapped out in the earnest future of their lives, the thrilling contjucsts in the world of arms, the grander triumplis in the realm of philosophy, the fadeless laurels in the empire of letters, and the im and their sciiools to stay the failing fortunes of the last g'-and army and the Empire that was tottering to its fall. You don't know how soon these happy-go-lucky young fellows making summer hideous with base ball slang, or gliding around a skating rink on their perishable crowns that he who giveth them |ibacks, may hold the state and its destinies the victory binds about their brows, that wait for the courage and ambition of these boys ? Why, the world is at the boy's feet ; and power and conquest and leadership slum- ber in his rugged arms and care-free heart. A boy sets his ambitiim at whatever mark he will — lofty or grovelling, as he may elect— and the boy who resolutely sets his heart on fame, on wealth, on power, on what he will ; who consecrates iiimself to a life of noble en- deavour, and lofty effort ; who concentrates every faculty of his mind and body on the attainment of his one darling point ; who brings to support his ambition courage and industry ami patience, can tramplo on genius; for these are ))etter Hud grander than genius ; and he will l)egin to rise above his fellows as steadily and as surely as the sun climbs above the mountains. Hannilial, standing beforu the Punic aitar tires and in the lisping ac- cents of ctiildhood swearing cteiyial hatred to Rome, was the Hannibal at twenty-four years commandijig the army tliat swept down upon Italy like a mountain torrent, and shook the power of the mistress of the M'orld, bid her detiance at her oNvn gates, while af- frighted Home huddled and cowered under the protecting shadow of her walls. Na- poleon, building snow forts at school aa I planning mimic battles for his pla\fell>wb, was the lieutenant of artillery it sixteen years, general of artillery and the victor of Toulon at twenty-four, and at last Emperor — not by the paltry accident of birth which miglit liappen to any man however unworthy, but by the manhood and grace of his own right arm, and his own brain, and his cour age and dauntless ambition — Emperor, with 1 Laura's dress in their grasp ; you don't know how soon these boys may make and write the history of the hour ; how soon they alone may shape events and guide the current of public action; how soon ojie of them may run away with your daughter or borrow money of you. Certain it is, there is one thing Tom will do, just about this period of his existence. He will fall in love with -somebody before his mustache is long enough to wax. Perhaps one of the earliest indications of this event, for it does not always break out in the same manner, is a sudden and alarm- ing increase in the number and variety of Tom's neck-ties. In his boxes and on his dressing case, his mother is ccmstantly start- led by the changing and increasing assort- ment of the display. Monday he en- circles his tender throad with a lilac knot, fearfully and wonderfully tied. A lavender tie succeeds the following day. Wednesday iagraced with a sweet little tangle of pale, pale blue, that fa<les at a breath ; Tiuirsday is ushered in with a scarf of delicate pea green, of wonderful convolutions and sufficiently expansive, by the aid of a clean collar; to conceal any little irregularity in Tom's wash day ; Friday smiles on a sailor's knot of dark blue with a tangle of d duty forget-me-nota embroidered over it ; Saturday tones itself down to a riuiet, unobstrnsive, neutral tint or shade, scarlet or yellow, and Sunday is deeply, darkly, piously black. It isdffiicult to tell whether Tom is trying to express the state of his distracted feelings by his neck- tics, or trying to Hnd a colour that will har- monize Mith his mustache, or match his foot on the throat of prostrate Europe, Alexander, daring more in his boyhood than his warlike father could teach him, and en- tering upon all his ooviaering career at twenty-four, was the boy v hose vaulting am- bition only paused in its '\itzzling flight when the world lay at his feet. And the fair-faced soldiers of the Empire, they who rode down upon the bayonets of the English squares at Waterloo, when the earth rocked beneath their feet and the incense smoke from the altars of the battle god shut out the sun from the sun al>ove their heails, who, with their young lives streaming from wounds, opened their pallid lips to cry, "Vivo L 'Bmpereur," as they died for^onour And (luring the variegated necktie period of man's existence how tenderly that mus- tache is coaxed and petted and caressed. How it is brushed to make it lie down and waxed to make it stand out, and how he notes its slow growth, and weeps and mourns and prays and swears over it day after weary day. And now, if ever, and generally now. he buys things to make it take colour. But he never repeats this offence against nature. He buys a wonderful dye, warranted to "produce a beautiful glosfey black or brown at one application, without stain or injury to their gaping | the skin." Buys it at a little shabby, round the corner, obscure drug store, because he is not known there. And he tells the assas- sin who sel for a sick i he lies. .A tude of hii drawn an< \ irtues of fingers and It burns hi tries to rul: lingers. I real camel tenderly, turns his dark. An darkness a every thiuj mustache ghastly hi 'moon throi untainted, ble blonde, fools Tom The eye faultless c( and sistei shirt in thi that he wo room to be And th( Sunday -sc pic-uic or1 influx of 1 morals ai compare w those bool narrow at the only t fill his vei when Ton somebody or four til atiou wou tranquiliz his startiu rush of in the straps aud puUiu befoie hii head, the off. Thei earth rod he can fi home. A the first t the Chris Or would says. Hi old that 1 if it is se up in ag' time he v ho leaves " lixy" lo OF THE MUSTACHE. 11^ —the boy sir homes : fortunes pire that n't know iR fellows lall slang, on their destiniea how soon history nay shape lie action; vay with J'ou. Tom will existence, before his cations of break out id alarra- ^ariety of il on his itly start- ng awaort- he en- lac knot, lavender 'eduesday f pale, pale mrsday is pea green, ufficiently collar; to om's wash ot of dark it-me-nots )nes itself lutral tint Sunday is isdffiicult xpress the his neck- will har- or match itie period that mus- caressed. down and d how he nd mourns fter weary 'ally now. our. But st nature, rraated to or brown r injury to »by, round because he the assas- sin who sells it to him, that he is buying it for a sick sister. And the assassin knows he lies. And in the guilty silence and soli- tude of his own room, with the curtains drawn and the door locked, Tom tries the \ irtues of that magic dye. It gets on his tingers and turns them black, to the elbow. It burns holes in his handkerchief when he tries to rub the malignant poison otf his ebony tingers. He applies it to his silky mustaolie, real camel's hair, very cautiously and very tenderly, and with some misgivings. It turns his lip so black it makes the room dark. And out of all the clouds ami the darkness and the sable splotches tJiat p;ili every thing else iu I'lutoiiian gloom, that mustache smiles out, grinning like hoiae ghastly hirsute spectre, gleaming like the moon through arilted storm cloud unstained, untainted, unshaded ; a natural, incorrupti- ble bloude. That is the last time anybody fools Tom OH hair dye. The eye he has for immaculate linen and faultless collars. How it amazes his mother and sisters to learn that there isn't a shirt in the house fit for a pig to wear, and that he wouldn't wear the best collar in his room to be hanged iu. And the boots he crowds bis feet into ! A Sunday -school room, the Sunday before the pic-uic or the Christmas tree, with its sudden influx of new scholars, with irreproachable morals and ambitious appetites, doesn't compare with the overcrowded condition of those boots. Too tight in the instep ; too narrow at the toes : too short at both ends ; the only things about those boots that don't fill his very soul with agony, are the straps, when Tom is pulling them on, he feels that if somebody would kindly run over him t^ree or four times, with a freight train, the sens- ation would be pleasant and reassuring and tranquiliziug. The air turns blaok before his starting eyes, there is a roaring like tlie rush of many waters in his ears, he tugs at { the straps that are cutting his fingers iu two > aud pulling hisarms out by the roots,and just i befote his bloodshot eyes shoot out of his head, the boot comes on — or the straps pull otf. Then when he stands up, the | earth rocks beneath his feet, and he thinks j he can faintly hear the angels calling him I home. And when he walks across the floor i the first time his standins; iu the church and the Christian community is ruined forever. Or would be if anyone could hear what he says. He never, never, nev»:i- gets to be so old that he cannot remember those boots,aud if it is seventy years afterward his feet curl up in agony at the recollection. The first time he wears them, ho is vaguely aware, as he leaves his room that there is a sort of " tixy" look about him,aud his sisters' titt«r- iog is not needed to cojpfirm this impression. He has a certain, half-defined impression that everything he has on is a size too small for any other man of his size. That his boots are a tritle snug, like a house with four rooms for a family of thirty-seven. That the hat which sits so lightly on the crown of his head is jaunty but limited, like a junior olerk's salary ; that his gloves are a neat ht, and can't be buttoned with a stump machine. Tom doesn't know all this ; lie has only a general, vague impression that it may be so. And he doesn't know that liis sisters know every line of it. For he has lived many years longer, and got in evfii- so much more trouble, before he learns that one bright, good, sensible girl— and 1 Ijelieve they are all that — will see and notice more in a glance, remember it more accurately, and talk more about it, than twenty men can see in a week. Toin does not know, for his crying feet will not let him, how he gets from his room to the earthly paradise where Laura lives. Nor does he kn>w, after he gets there, that Laura sees him trying to rest one foot by setting it up on the heel. And she sees him sneak it back under his chair and tilt it up on the toe for a change. She sees him ease the oWier foot a little by tugging the heel of the boot at the leg of the chair. A hazardous, reck- less, presumptuous experiment. Tom tries it so far one night, and slides his heel so far up the leg of his boot, that his foot actually feels comfortable, and he thinks the angels must be rubbing it. He walks out of the parlour sideways that night, trying to hide the cause of the sudden elongation of one leg, and he hobbles all the way home in the same disjointed condition. But Laura sees that too. She sees all the little knobs and lumps on his foot, and sees him fidget and fuss, she sees the look of anguish fhttiug across his face under the heartless, deceitful, veueering of smiles, and she makes the mental remark that iViaster Tom would feel much happier, and much more comfortable, aud more like staying longer, if he had worn his father's boot^ But on his way to the house, despite the distraction of his crying feet, how many pleasant, really beautiful, romantic things Tom thinks up aud recollects and compiles aud composes to tiay to Laura, to impress her with his originality, and wisdom, and genius, and bright exuberant fancy aud general su- periority over all the rest of Tom kind. Real earnest things, you know ; now hollow, con- versational compliments, or uou*euse, but such thiuga, Tom flutters himself, as none of the other fellows can or will say. Aud he has them all iu beautiful order when he gets at the foot of the hill. The remark about the weather, to begin with ; not the stereotyped 14 THE RISE AND I-'AF.L old phnise, Init ;; qiiiiint, droll, liumorons coiicfit tint no ono in the worM hnt T'oin could tliiiik f)f. Then, artcr the oiienini,' overture a'loiit tlie weather, soinethiiiu Jiboiit musio iuid Het'thuven's Honata in M Hat. atid Haydn's k\ iniihuiiies, and of course houio- thint; about lieetiio- eii's grand old Fifth symphony, somebody's else ma'^s, in heaven knows how many flats ; and then sometliinf? about art, and a profound tliought or two on science anl philosophy, and so on to poetry and from poetry to "" iiusmess. " But alan, when Tom reaches the gate, all tliose well orderc'l ideas dis[ilay evident symptoms of breaking up ; as he cr-osses the yard, he is dismayed to know that they are in the convulsions of a panic, and when he touches the bell knob, every, each, all ami several "f tiie ideas, original and eompihtd, that he has had on any subjeet durinjx the past ten years, forsake hiin :\ni\ return nn more that evening. When Laui'a o])ened the door tie had intemled t) saj' somethinir real splend I r.lfout the: imiJri.MiiKHl sutdight of sonietliiii:;, ijeamin:' out a welcome upon the what you may call it o( the nii.dit or some- thing. Instead of which he says, or rather j^asps : " dh, yc», to be sure; to bi' ^ure ; ho." And then, consciou.s that he has not said anything ])articularly brilliant or ori- ginal, or tiiat most any of the other fellovs could not say with a little jtractice, he makes one more eliort to redeem himself before he steps into the hall, and adds, "Oh, good morning ; good morning." I'^ecling that even this is only a jjariial succes?, he collects hia scattered faculties for one united eti'ort and inquiries; "How is your mother?" And then it strikes him that he has about ex- hausted the subject, and he goes into the i)arlour, and sits down, ami just as soon as le has placed his reyiroachfid feetin the least agonizing position, he proceeds to wholly, completely andsuecessfullj' I'orget eveiything he ever knew in liis life. He returns to con- sciousness to tind himself, to his own amaze- ment and rqually t«> Ijaura's bewildernnint. conducting a conversation abr»ut the crops. and a new method of fumlintr tlie national ilel)t, subjectti upon which he is about as well iiifornieil as the town clock. Me rallies, aiid make.', a successful elfcut to turn the conversation into literary channels by asking her if she has read "Daniel Deromia,' and wasn't it odd that (Jeorge Washington l^liot should name her heroine " (-irenadine," after a dret<s ])attern '.' And in a burst of coidi- deneo he assures her that ho Mould not bo am»'',ed if it should rain before morning, (and he hopes it will, and that it may be a flood, and that they may ge^ caught in it, without an ark nearer thau Cape Horn.) I And so, at last, the first evening passes 1 away, ain! after mature deliberation and many unsuccessful etl'orts he rises to go. ; Dut he lioes not go. He wants to ; but he ] doesn't know how. He says good evening, '■ Then he repeats it in a marginal reference. ; Then he puts it in a foot note. Then he adds tlie remark in an appemlix, ami shakes luxnds. iiy this time he gets as far as the parlour door, and catches liold of the kn(.l) and holds on to it as tightly as though some one on the other side were trying to pull it through the door and run away with it. And I he .stands there a Hdgftty statue of the door I iioMer. He nu:ntion.-i, for not more than the j twentieth time that evening that he ib pas- ! siouatcly fond of music but he can't sing. I Which is a lie ; he can. Did she go to the Centennial? "No." " Such a pity "-he ' begins, but stops in terror, lest she may coii- I si.icr his condoh'nce a reflection uiioii hei' linancial standing. Did lie go? Oh, yes ; yes ; he says, absently, he went. Or, that is to say, no, not exactly. He did not ex- actly go to the ('cntennial ; he staid at home. In f.ict, he has not been out of town this Summer. Then he looks at the tender little face ; he looks at the brown eyes, sparkling with suppressed merriment ; Ik; looks at the white hands, dimpled and soft, twin dangh- fcei's of the snow ; ami the fairy jncture grows more lovely as he looks at it, until his heart outrutis his fear.s ; he must s[)eak, he must s.iy something impressive and ripe with meaning, for how can he go away with this .«uspense in his breast? His heart trembles as does his hand ; his (juivering lips pai t, and — Laura deftly hifles a vagrom yawn behind her fan. (lood night, and Tom is gone. There is a dejected droop to the mus^^ache that night, when in the solitude of his own room Tom releasfis his hands from the de- spotic gloves, and tenderly soothes two of tlie reddest, ptdHest feet that ever crept out of boots not half their own size, and swore in mute, but eloquent anatomical profani;y at the whole race of bootmakers. And his heart is nearly as full of sorrow ami bitter- ness as his boors. It xppea'-s to him ^hat ho showed ofl' to the wor t iiossible advantHv,'e ; h(^ is iliiidy conscious that he acted very like; a dcmkey, and he has the not entirely un- natural impression that she will never want to see him again. And so he uhilosophically and manfully makes u[» his mind never, m.H'er, m!ver, to thiidi of her again. And then he immediately procceils, in the manliest anil most natural way in the world, to think of nothing and nobody (dse under the sun for the next ten hours; How the tender little face does haunt him. He pitches himself into bed with an aimless recklessneaa that tumbles pi! hapeless, throngh th man who v stands his into a wa.d though it lays it do« pats all th( more sleep than there ever s impl and smoke three hour tested 'ob; This is through tV one rare g rosy drean old AS an n as many ^\ in .'i cluste once. L( misery, all heaveidy f And he do out of it. hate Sinitl can talk fa whose muf so long tlu both handi idiot Brov up there < over a few and calls some nigl evening at up an old, and goes under th( fectly hidi And he sp T.)m ; wh( in the Ian; to—" aw- state occa " avy vo( who once telling La le I )iable ' toy que jn digal in Cardinal it accorc the artis evening sketch j)ictnre 1 mother, a was oh jii and Tom since. Ii tig passes icioii and es to go. I ; but he i evir-ning. referoiice. Tlien he ml shakes far as the the kni.b (uigh some to pull it th it. And f tlio door e than the hc! ib pas- laii't sing. a go to the pity" -he e m.iy cou- u)i(m iiei' ( )h, yes ; Or, 'that ilid nut. ex- l ac li>ine. tiiWII tills iMider little sparkling loks at the kviii daiigh- tui'u grows t it, until he must impressive iw can he his breast? \ hand ; his leftly hides [lood night, le mus*;ache 1 of his own rom the de- hes two of ■r crept out ntl swore in jrofaiiiiy at And his and bilter- lim ^liMt he advantage ; ^i1 vfsry like Mitirely un- rifver want losopiiioally liiid never, ,gain. And tile manliest Id, to think ' tiiP sun for ender little hes himself essncsa that OF THE MUSTACHE. w tumbles pillows, bolsters, and sheets into one hapeless, wild, chaotic mass, and he goes i through the motions of going to sleep, like a 1 man who would go to sleep by steam, fie j stands his pillow up on end, and pounds it { into a wad, and he props his head upon it as though it were tlie guillotine block. He lays it down and smooths it out lerel, and pats all the wrinkles out of it, and there is more sleeplessness in it to the square inch than there is in tiie hungriest mosquito that ever s impled a martyr's blood. He gets up and smokes like a patent stove, although not three hours ago he told Laura that he de- tested 'obacco. This is the only time Tom will ever go through this, in exactly this way. It is the one rare golden experience, the one bright, rosy dream of his life. He may live to be as <ild as an army overcoat, and he may marry i as many wives as Brigham Young, singly, or ; in a cluster, but this will cuiiic to him but j once. Let him enjoy all the delightful misery, all the ecstatic wretcheiiness, all the \ heaveidy forlornness of it as best he can. j And he does take good, solid, edifying misery out of it. How he does torture himself and ' hate Smith, the empty headed donkey, who ! can talk faster than poor Tom can think, and | whose mustache is black as Tom's boots, and so long that he can pull one end of it with both hands. And how he does detest that idiot Brown, who plays and sings, and goes up there every time Tom does, and claws over a few old forgotten Hve-Hnger exercises and calls it music ; wlio comes up there, some night when Tom thinks he has the evening and Laura all to himself, and brings up an old, tuneless, voiceless, cracked guitar, and goes crawling around in the wet grass under the window and makes night per- fectly hideous with what he calls a serenade. And he speaks French, too, the beast. Poor T<)ni ; when Brown's lingual accomplishments in the language of ( 'harlemagne are confined to — "aw — aw — er ah v;i)ly voo?" and on state occasi«)ns to the additiimal grandeur of " avy voo mong sha])(»?" But jmor Tom who once i overed himself with confusion by telling Laura that his favouritt; in " Uoliert le L>iable " was the beautiful aria, '' Uoliert toy que jam," considers Brown a very pro- digal in linguistic attainments, another Cardinal Mezzofanti, and hates him for it accordingly. And hc hates Daubs, the artist, too, who was up there one evening and made an olF hand crayon sketch of her in her album. The jiicture looked much more like Daubs' mother, and Tom knew it, but Laura said it was oh just delightfully, perfectly splendid, and Tom has hated I laubs most conlially ever siuoe. In fact,Tom hates every man who has the temerity to speak to her, or whom slie may treat with ladylike courtesy. Un- til there conies one night when the boots of the inquisition pattern sit more lightly on their sufierimr victims. When Providence has been on Tom's 8i<le, and kept Smith and Daubs and Brown away, and has frightened Tom nearly to death by showing him no one in the little parlour with its old-fashioned furniture but himself and Laura and the fur- niture. AVhen, almost without knowing how or why, they talk about life and its rea- lities instead of the last concert or the next lecture ; wlien they talk of their plans and day dreams alid aspirations, and their ideals o' real men and women ; when they talk about the heroes and heroines of days long gone by, gray and dim in the ages that are ever made yonni; andnewbyttie lives of noble men and noble women who lived, and did, and never died in those grand old days, but livtid and live on, as imperishably and fade- less in tiieir glory as the glit+'cring stars tliat sang at creation's dawn. When the room seems strangely silent when their voices hush ; when the tiush of earnestness upon her face gives it a tinge of sadness that makes it more beautiful than ever ; when the dn am and picture of a home Eden, and home life, and home love, grows every moment more lovely, more entravcing to him, until at last poor blundering, stupid Tom, speaks without knowing what iie is going to say, speaks without prejiaration or rehearsal, speaks, and his honest, natural manly heart touches his faltering lips with eloquence and tender- ness and earnestness that all the rhetoric in the worhl never did and never will inspire, and . That is all we know about it. Nobody knows what is said nor how it is done. Nobody. Only the silent stars or the whispering leaves, or the cat, or maybe Laura's younger brother, or the hired girl, who generally bulges in just as Tom. reaches the climax All the rest of us know about it is, that Tom doesn't come away so early that night, and that when he reaches the door he holds a pair of dimpled hands instead of the insensate doorknob. He never clings to that dofir-knob again ; never. TJnlcfis ma, dear ma, has been so kind as to bring in her sewing and spend the evening with them. And Tom doesn't hate!\nyi)ody, nor want to kill anyl'ody in the M-ide, wide world, ami lie feels just as good as though he had just j come out of a six montlis' revival; and is ha[ipy enough to borrow money of his worst enemy. But, there is no rose without a thorn. Al- though, I 8U|ipoBe. on inside computation, there is, in thi^ weary old world as much as, say a peck, or a peck and a half possibly, of thorns without their attendant roses. Just 16 THE RISE AND FALL the raw, bore thorns. In the highest heaven of his newly-found blies, Tom is suddenly re- called to earth and its miseries by a question from Laura which falls like a plummet into the unripplc'd sea of the young ma j s happi- ness, .and fathoms it depths in jhe sbal lowest place. "Has her own Tojri" :i'i <l)8t.in- guished from countless other Torus, uu- claimed Toms, to all intents and purposes swamp lands on the public matrimo' ial do- main—'" Has lier own Tom said ;i,nyllijiig to pa?" "Oh, yeflpa ;'" T<im says, " i'o be sure; yes" Grim, heavy browed, austere pa. The living embodiment of business. \Viry, s'lrewd, the life and mainspring of the house of Tare and Tret. " 'M. V. dl. N'no." Tom had not exactl}^ ao you niigiit say, poured out his heart to jia. Some- how or other he had a rose-coloured idea that the thing w.as going to go light along in this way fortv. r. Tom had an idea thjit the programme was all arranged, printed and distributed, rose-ooloured, gilt-edged, and perfumed. He was going to sit and hold Laura's hands, pa was to stay down at the ofiice, and ma was to make her visits to the parlour as much like angels', for their rarity and brevity, as possible. But he sees, now that tlie matter has been referred to, that it is a grim necessity. Ami I^aura doesn't like to see such a spasm of terror pass over Tom's face ; and her coral l^s quiver a little as she hides her flushed face oat of sight on Tom's shoulder, and tells him how kind and tender pa has always been with her, until Tom feels positively jealous of pa. And she tells him that he must not dread going to see him, for pa will be oh so glad to know how happy, happy, happy he can make his little girl. And as she talks of him, the hard working, ' old-faslxioned, tender- heartei old man, who ■ loves his girls as though he were yet only a j big boy, her heart grows tenderer, and she | speaks so etirneetly and eloquently that Tom, at first savagely jealous of him, is persuaded to fall in love with the old gentleman — he calls him "Pa," too, now — himself. But by the following afternoon this feeling is very faint. And when he entefs idie count- ing room of Tare & Tret, and stands before pa — Oil, land of love, how could Laura ever talk so about 6uch a man. Stubbly httle pa; with a fringe of the most obstinate and wiry gray hair standing all around his bold, bald head ; the wiriest, grizidiest mustache brist- ling imder his nose ; a tuft of tangled beard under tbe sharp chin, and a raspy under- growth of a week's run on the thin jaws ; business, business, business, in every line of the hard, seamed face, and profit and loss, barter and trade, dicker and bargain, in every movement of the nervous han&. Pa ; old business ! He puts down the newspaper a little way, and looks ever the top of it m Tom announces himself, glancing at th« young man with a pair of blue eyes that peer through old-fashioned iron-bowed spectacles, tbat look as though they had known these eyes and done business with them ever aiaoe they wept over their A B C's or peeped into the tall stone jar Sunday afternoon to look for the doughnuts. Tom, who had felt all along there could be no inspiration on his part in this scene, has come prepared. At least lie had his last true statement at his tongue's end when he entered the counting room. But now, it seems to him that if he had been brought up in a circus, and cradled inside of a sawdust ring, and all his Hie trained to twirl his hat, he couldn't do it better, nor faster, nor be more utterly incapable of doing anything else. At last he swallows a lump in his throat as big as a ballot box, and faintly gasps, "Good morning." Mr. Tret hastens to recognize him. ' 'Eh ? oh ; yes ; yes ; yes ; I see ; young Bostwick, from Dope & Middlerib's. Oh yes. Well—?" "I have come, sir," gasps Tom, thinking all around the world from Cook's explorations to "Captain Riley's Ifawative, " for the first line of that speecli that Tare & Tret have just scared out of him so completely that he doesn't believe he ever kitew a word of it. "I have come — " and he thinks if his lips didn't get so dry and hot they make his teeth ache, that he could get along with it : "I have, sir — come, Mr. Tret; Mr. Tret, sir — I have come — I am come — '* "Yes, ye-es," says Mr. Tret, in the wildest bewildeiTuent, but in no very encouraging tones, thinking the youni; man probably wants to borrow money ; " Ye-es ; I see you've eome. Well j that's all right ; glad to see you. Yes, you've come ?" Tom's hat is now making about nine hundred and eighty revolutions per minute, and apparently not running up to half its full capacity. "Sir; Mr. Tret, he resumes, " I have come, sir ; Mr. Tret — I am here to — to sue — to sue, Mr. Tret — I am here to sue — " " Sue, eh !" the old man echoes sharply, with a belligerent rustle of the newspaper ; "sue Tare & Tret, eh? Well, that's right, young man ; that's right. Sue, and get damages. We'll give you all the law you want." Tom's head is so hot, and his heart is so cold, that he thinks they must be about a thousand miles apart. " Sir," he explains, " that isn't it. It isn't that. I onl} want to ask — I have long known — Sir, " he adds, as the opening lines of his speech come to him like a message from heaven, " Sir, you have a flower, a tender lovely blossom ; chaste as the snow that crowns the mouo- tain's brow ; fresh as the breath of morn ; lovelier than the rosy-tiugered hours that fly OP THE MU3TA0HB. of it M g at th* that peer pectaclefl, )wu these iver aiaoe eped into to look e could be loone, has a last true he entered seems to up in a dust ring, hat, he ir be more else. At oat as big )s, "Good recognize i ; I see ; idd) crib's, ome, sir," the world ain Riley's lat speech out of him ;ve he ever " and he and hot could get , Mr. Tret; n come — " ), in th« no very he youni; V money ; Well ; fes, you've about nine ler minute, [lalf its full ; resumes, am here to here to sue ea sharply, ewspaper ; at's right, !, and get he law you d his heart st be about e explains, oulj want be adds, sh come tu " Sir, you blossom ; the raoun- 1 of morn ; irs that II7 before Aurora's car ; pure as the lily kissed by (lew. 'lliid precious blossom, watched bv your paternal eyes, the object of your tender care and solioitiule, I ask of you. I would wear it in my heart, and guanl and cherish it — aii'l in the -" "Oh-h, ye-es, yes, yes," the old mm says soothingly, beginning to see that T<'ni is oidy drunk. " Uh yes, yes, I don't kiiuw nuiuh about them myst If ; my wife Jtml tlu! i^irls generally keep half the windows in the house littered u|) with them. Winter andsanimer, every ,vinilow so full ot iiouse plants tiie sun can't fjhine in. Come up to the lioii^e, they'll give you all you can carry away, yive you a hat full of 'em. " " No, lit), no ; you don't understand," says poor Tdui, and old Mr. Tret now observes that Tom i>' very drunk indeed. " It isn't that, Sir. Sir, tiiat isn't it. I — I — I want to many your daughter !" Ami there it is at last, as hluntly as though Tom had wadded it into a gun .iiul shot it at the old man. Mr. Tret does not say any thing for twenty B6con<ls. Tom tells Laura that evening that it was two hours and a half before her father •pened his liead. Then he says, "Oh, yes, yes, ycM, yes ; to be sure; to — be — sure." And tlien the long pause is dreadful. "Yes, yes. Well, I don t know. I don't know about that, young man. Said any thing to Jennie about it?" 'It isn't Jennie," Tom gasps, sreing a new Uiibicon to cross ; " it's " "Oil, Julie, eh? well, I don't " "No, sir," interjects the despairing Tom, "it isn't .Julie, it's " "Sophie, eh? Oh, well, Soi.liir " "Sir," says Tom, "if you please, sir, it isn't Sophie, its " "Not Minnie, surely ? Why, Minnie is hardly — well, 1 doii't know. Young folk get along faster than " " Dear Mr. Tret," breaks in the di:;t;'acted lover, "it's Laura." As they sit and stand there, looking at each otlier, the dingy old counting-room, with the li'iavy shadows lurking in every corner, witli its time-worn, heavy brown furnishings, with the scanty dash of sunlight breaking in through the dusty window, looks tike an old Rubens painting ; the beginning and the Hnishing of a race : the old man, nearly rt ady to lay his armour off, glad to be «» nearly and so safely through with the race and the ti>:ht that Tom, in all his inexperi- ence and with all the rash enthusiasm and ooaceit of a young man, is just getting ready to run and fight, or tight and run, you never «Mua tell whicn until ne is through with it. And the old man, looking at Tom, and through him, and past him, feels his o\^ heart throb almoEt as quickly as does that of the young man before him. l*'or lookinsr down a long vista of happy,, eventful jean, bordered . with roseate hopea bright i dnaau and antidpatioai, he sees a tender face, radiant with smiles and kindled m ith blushes ; he feels a soft hand drop nito his own with its timid pressure ; he sees the vision oiien, under the glitteringsummoi'stara, down niossv liillsiiUs. where tlie restless breeze.-', sighing tJirough th'j rustling leaves w'cispered their tender secret to the noisy kacy.Uds ; stiolliim along the winiiing paths, deep in the bending wihl grass, down in the star-lit ai;les of the dim old woods; loitering \\hcro tiie nieailow brook sparkles over the white pebbles or murmurs around the great Hat stepping- stones; lingering on the rustic foot biiilge, while he gazes into eyes eloquent and tender in their silent love-liulit ; up through the long pathway of 3ea)s, lleckeil and checkered with sunshine aad yloiid, with storm and calm, tlin.ngh years of stiiigelc, trial, sorrow, disappointinont, out at -asfe into the grand, gloiiouH, crowning beauty and benison of hard-won and wed-doserved success, until he sees now tii'.s sei'i ii') Lnura, re-imaging her mother as she was in the dear old days. And he rou'-es from his dream with a start, and he tells Tom he'll "Talk it over with Mrs. Tret, and see him again in the morning. " And so they are duly and form.dly en- gaged , and the very hrst thing they do, they make the very sensdde, though very uncommon, resolution to so conduct tiiein- selves that no one will ever suspect it. And they suo'.'ced admiral/ly. No one ever does suspect it. They come into church in time to hear the benediction — every time they come together. They shun all otl.er people when church is dismissed, and are seen to go I home alone the longest way. At iiic-nica they are missed not more than fifty times a day, and are di.scovcred sitting unler a tree, holding each other's hands, gazin.; into each other's eyes and saying — nothing. W hen he throws her shawl over her shouliters, he never looks at what he is doing, but looks into her starry eyes, throws the shawl right over her natural cr.ls, and drags them out by the hair-pins. If, at sociatile or festival, they are left alone in a dressing-rooiu a second and a half, Laura emerges with her ruffle standing around like a railroad acci- dent ; and Tom has enough complexion on his shoulder to go around a ladies' seminary. When they drive out, they sit in a buggy with a seat eighteen inches wide, and there is two feet of unoccupied room at either end of it. Long years afterwards, when they drive, a street car isn't too wide for them ; and when they walk you could drive four loads of hay between them. And yet, as carefully as they guard their precious liktle secret, and as cautious and circniaapeet aa they are in their walk aoA 18 THE RI8B AND FALL behaviour, it gets talked around that they are engaged. People are so prying and bub- pioioiib. And so the months of their engagement nm on ; never before or since, time flies so swiftly — unless, it may be, some time when Tom lifts an acceptance in bank to meet in two <lMys, that h-i can't lift one end of— and the wedding day dawns, fades, and the wed- dincr is over. Over, with its little circle of dt'Iisztit' <l friends, with its ripples of pleasure and excitomeni, wicii its couciies of home love and humo life, that leave their lasting im])rpsK uj)on the lieart of Lnura's heart, al- thouL'li Tom, with man-like blindness, never sees ()7ie of them. Over, with ma, with the thousand and one anxieties attendant on the grand cvont in her daughter's life hidden away under lior dear old smiling face, down, away do^n under tlie tender, glistening eyes, deep in the; loving heart ; ma, hurrying here and (Inttcring tliero, in the intense excite- ment of something strangely made up of havT'in 'ss and yrief, of aunrehcnsion and hope ; ma, witli hi.-r sudden (tisappear- ances and flushed reappearances, in- dita strui. aiiii Lriuniplib in the turbulent world down stairs ; ma, with tiio new-fangled belt, with the dinner- plate buckles, fastened on wrong aide fore- most, and the flowers dangling down the wrnn;^ i^iilo of lier head, to Sojihie's intense horror and pantomimic telegraphy; ma, fly- ing here and there, seeing that everything is going right, from kitchen to dressing- rooms; looking after everything and every- body, with hcir hands and her heart just as full as tliey will hold, and more voices call- ing "ma," from every room in the house, than you would think one hundred mas could answer. But she answers them all, and she sees after everything, and just in the nick of time prevents Mr. Tret from going down stairs and attending the cere- mony in a loud-figured dressing-gown and green slippers; ma, who, with the quivering ip and glistening eyes, has to be cheerful, and lively, and smiling; because, if, as she thinks of the dearest and host of her flock going away from her fold, to put her life and her happiness into another's keeping, she gives way for one moment, a dozen reproach- ful voices cry out, " Oh-h ma !" How it all comes back to Tjaura, like the tender shadows of a dream, long years after the dear, dear face, furrowed with marks of patient'flufl^ering and loving care, rests under the snow and the daisies; when the mother love that glistened in the tender eyes has olosed in darkness on the dear old hom^; and the nerveless hands, crossed in dream- less sleep upon the pnlseless breast, can neTer again touch tho children's heads with caressing gesture; how the sweet vision comei to Lanra, as it shone on her wedding mom, rising in tenderer beauty through the blind- ing tears her own excess of happiness calls ap, as the rainbow spans the cloud only through the mingling of the golden sunshine and the falling rain. And pa, dear old shabby pa, whose clothes will not fit him as they tit other men; who always dresses just a year and a-half behind the style ; pa wandering up and down through the house, as though lie were lost in his own home, pacing through the hall like a sentinel, olundering aimlessh' and listlessly into rooms where he has no business, and being repelled therefrom by a chorus of piercing shrieks and hysterical giggling; pa, getting off his well worn jokes with an as- sumption of merriment that seems positively real; pa, who creeps away by himself once in a while, and leans his face against the window, and sighs, in diiect violation of all strict household regulations, right against the glass, as he thinks nf his little girl yoin^' away to-day from the home whose love and tenderness and patience she has known so well. Only yesterday, it seems to him, th« little baby girl, bringing the first music of baby prattle into his home; then a little girl in short drespes, with school-girl troubles and school-girl pleasures; then an older little girl, out of school and into society, but a little girl to pa still. And then . But, somehow, this is as far as pa can get; for he sees, in the flight of this, the first, the fol- lowing flight of the other fledglings; and he thinks how silent and desolate the old nest will be when they have all mated ami flown away. He thinks, when their flight shall have made other homes bright and cheery and sparkling, with music, and prattle and laughter, how it will leave the old home hushed and quiet and still. How, in the long, lonesome afternoon, mother will sit by the empty cradle that rocked them all, murmuring the sweet old cradle songs that brooded over all their sleep, uutil the rising tears check the swaying cradle and choke the song — and back, over river and prairie and mountain, thatroU andstretchand rise be- tween the old home and the new ones, comes back the prattle of her little ones, the rippling music of their laughter, the tender cadences of their songs, untu the hushed old home is haunted by memories of its children — gray and old they may be, with other children clustering about their knees ; but to the dear old home they are "the children" still. And dreaming thus, when pa for a moment finds his little girl alone— his little girl who is going away ont of the home whose love she knows, into a house whose tenderness and patience are all nntried->-he holds, her in his arms and v that ever and Laura' plete and u the pattern tears, shad of these ba day. He earnestnesi tints and uV-idod '>•!■ lief ; but i the shadow tints of tl be flat, pa And the of bracke French ok go, that i; mashers. three oigai sorted pat style, bhu laion comet ding morn, the blind piness calli cloud only an sunshine lose clothes r men; who half behind and down were ios the hall rilesisly and o business, a chorus of .'irling; pa, with an as- s ])ositively iinself once aijainst the lation of all tht Hgainat girl <.r<iiri^' se love and IS known so to him, the 'st music of a little girl troubles and older little cietv, but a -. But, n get; ft)r he irst, the fol- ings; and he the old nest kI and flowu flight shall ; and cheery prattle and le old home flow, in the r will sit by I them all, e songs that il the rising e and choke and prairie 1 and rise be- onts, comes , the rippling ler cadences 3ld home is ildren — gray ler children t to the dear Iren " still. ' a moment tie girl wh'j lose love she lemeas and »a. >»■ OP THE MUSTACHE. arms and whispers the most fervent blessing that ever throbbed from a father's heart ; and Laura's wedding day would be incom- plete and unfeeling without her tears. So is the pattern of our life made up of smiles and tears, shadow and sunshine. Tom sees none of these background pic'iures of the wedding day. He sees none ol its real, heartfelt earnestness. He sees only tlio bright, sunny tints and happy figures that the tearful, Jlh 'dod '>!"'lr 'rMUml f jvnws oiil i" ■■■iMe!) Tf- iicf ; but never stops to think Uiat, without the shailowH, the clouds, aiul the sombre tints of the background, the picture would be flat, pale, and lustrekvis. And then, the presents. Tlie assortment of brackets, serviceable, aiiil--(.-licaf». The French clock, that never went, that does not go, that never will go. The nine potato mashers. The eight nuisturi"; spooiitj. Tlie three cigai' stands. Eleven 'iialcli safes ; as- sorted patterns. A do: i tiuu-s, uliarity fair style, blue dog on jellow background, bark- after seal brown apples. The two uiiurns, old pattern, straitthn handle and daslier, and they have as much thouc^'ht of !;i;<']iing a cow as they have of keeping a seel ion of artillery. Five things they didn't know ti.e uimes of. and never could find any body who could toll what they were for. And a nickel jjlatod pocket ccirkscj'ew, that Tom, in a lino burst" of indignation, throws out of the window, which Laura says is just like her own impul- sive Tom. And not long after her own im- pulsivo Tom catches his death of cold and ruins tlie knees of his best trowsers crawling round in the grass hunting for that sinne corkscrew. VVHiich is just like her own im- pulsive Tom. And then, the young coiipic go to W(»rk and buy e-v-e-r-y thing tiiey need, the day they go to housekeeping. Everything. Just as well, Tom says, to get every thing at once and have it delivered right up to the house, as to spend five or six or ten or twenty years in stocking up a house as his father did. And Laura thinks so too, and she woiulers that Tom should know so much more than his father. This worries Tom himself, when he thinks of it, and he never understands how it is, until he is forty-five or fifty years old and has a Tom of his own to direct and advise him. So they make out a list, and revise it, and rewrite it, until they have every thing down, complete, and it isn't until supper is ready the first day, that they discover there isn't a knife, a fork, or a plate or a spoon in the now house. And the 'first day the washerwoman comes, and the water is hot, and the clothes all ready, it is discovered that there isn't a wash-tub nearer than the grocery. And further along in the day the discovery is made that while Tom has bought a clothes line that will reach to the north pole and back, and then has to coded up a mile or two in the back yard, there isn't a clothes pin in the settlement. And in the course of a week or two Tom slowly awakens to the realization of the fact that he has only begun to get. And if he should live two thousand years, which he rarely does, and possibly may not, he would think, just before he died, of somethin<» they had wanted the worst way for five centuries, and had either been too poor to get, or Tom had always forgotten to bring up. So loner as he lives, Tom goes on bring- ing home thnigfe that they need — -abscdute, snnj)le necessities, that were never so much as hinted at in that exhaustive list. And olil Time comes along, and knowing that the man in that new house will never get through bringing things up to it, helps him out and comes round and brings things, too. Brings a gray hair now and then, to stick in Tom's ;t :i];4^.iilif'. vvbieb has grown too big to be or- namental, and too wayward and unmanage- able to be comfortable. He brings little cares and little troubles, and little trials and little butcher bills, and little grocer's bills, and little tailor bills, and nice large millinery bills, that pluck at Tom's mustache and stroke it the wrong way and made it look more and more as pa's did the first time Tom saw it. He brings, by-and-bye, the prints of baby i'ugers and pats them around on the dainty wall paper. Brings, sometimes, a voiceless messenger that lays its icy fingers on the baby lips, and hushes their dainty prattle, and in the baptism of its first sorrow, the darkened little home has its dearest and teuderest tie to the upper fold. Brings, by- and-bye, the tracks of a boy's muddy boots, and scatters them all up and down the clean porch. Brings a messenger, one day, to take the youngest Tom away to college. And the ipiiet the boy leaves behind him is so much harder to endure than his racket, that old Tom is tempted to keep a brass band in the house until the boy comes back. But old Time brings him home at last, and it does make life seem terribly real and earnest to Tom, and how the old laugh rings out and ripples all over Laura's face, when they see ^ old Tom's first mustache budding and strng- j gling into second life on young Tom's face. j And still old Time comes round, bringing I each year whiter frosts to scatter on the whitening mustache, and brighter gleams of I silver to glint the brown of I^aura's hair. Bringing the blessings of peaceful old age , and a lovelockcd houio to crown these noble, i earnest, real human lives, bristling with hn- I man faults, marred with human mistakes, i soarred and seamed and rifted with hnmas «0 GETTING BEADY FOR THE TRAIN. troubles, and crowned with the compasaion that only perfection can send upon imperfec- tion. Comes, with happy memories of tlie pai«t, and quiet confidence for the future. Comes, with the changing scenes of day aud niglit ; with wrinter's 8torm and summer's calm ; couies, with the sunny peace ami tlie backward dreams of age : comes, until one day, the eye of the relentless old reaper re.sts upon old Tom, staudiug right in ihe swatli, amid the golden com. The sweep of the noiseless scythe that never turns its edge. Tune llas:^es on, old Tom steps out ot young Turn's way, and the cycle of a life is complete. a wo- the si- replied Qettlug Ready for the Train. When they reached the depot, Mr. Man and his w ife gazed in unspeakable disappoiiit- mtiit at the receding train, which was just pulling away trom the bridge switch at the rate of a thousand miles a minute. Tiieir first impluse was to run after it ; but as the train was out of sight, and whistling Icir >Sayet(iwn before they could act uijon the impulse, they remained in the carriage and disconsolately turned the hoises' heads homeward. "It till cornea of having to wait for man to get ready," Mr. Man broke lence with. "1 was ready before you were," his wife. "Oreat heavens!" cried Mr. Man, in ir- repressible impatience, jerking the hors-es' jaws out of place, "just listen to that ! And I tat out in the buggy ten minutes, yelling at >ou to come along, until the whole ueigli- bourhood licard me ! " "Yes," acquiesced Mrs. Man, with the provoking placidity which no one can assume but a wouian, "and every time I started down stairs you sent me back for something you had forgotten," Mr. Man groaned. "This is too much to bear," he eaid, "when everybody knows that if I was going to Europe, I would just rush into the house, put on a clean shirt, grab up my gripsack, and fly ; while you would want at least six months for prelimin- ary preparations, and then dawdle around the whole day of starting until every train had left town." Well, the upshot of the matter was, that the Mans put off their visit to Peoria until the next week, and it was agreed that eacli . one should get ready and go down to the train and go, and the one who failed to get ' ready should get left. The day of the match came around in due time. The train was to fo at 10:30, and Mr. Man, after attending to is business, went home at 9:45. "Now then," he shouted, "only three* qnartera of an hour to train time. Fly around ; a fair field and no favours, you know." And away they flew. Mr. Man bulged into this room and rushed into that one, and dived joto one closet after aiiotlifcr with in- i cciiiceival)le rjijjidily, clnukliiig umler his I breath all the tjiae, to ihiiik how fl't;ip Mrs. I Man would feel when he started oH' :doiie. j He sto])i)e*l on his way up btaiis to puil off his heavy Imotn, to save time. Fortlie ."ame reas(in he puUeii oil' his coat as he ran through the diiiinyroom, and huiii; it up in the eor- I iier ot the silver closet. Then he jeikedofl ; his vest as he rushed tlu'ough tlie liall, and I • obsed it on a hook in tlie liatracii, lUiu by ! the time he reacheii las own room he wa« j ready to plunge into liis clean clothes. He I pulled out a bnre:iu drawer anil hc^^'an to ; paw at the ihiiiys, like a ^cotcli terrier after I a rat. " Eleanor ! " he shritked, "win re are my shirts ? "' " In your bureau drawer," quietly j( ilied Mrs. Man, who was staiiiliiig piuciidy Ix lore a |ilass, cainily and diiiberatelj coaxing a refractory < limp into place. " Well, by ihuiitier, ihey ain't ! " shouted Mr. Man, a little annoyed. " 1 ve emptied every last thing out oi the drawer, aiui liier* isn't a tiling in it that 1 ever saw hefote. " Mrs. Man stepped hack a few pace;-, held her head on one suie, and alter s:iiisf}iug j lierself that the eriin]i would do, and woula I stay wheie slie had jjut it, replied : 1 '"These things scattered arouiul the floor ! are all miiic. I'rol ably jou haven't been I lociking ill your own diaver. " 1 '• 1 don't set','' testily (diserved Mr. Man, 1 "w-hy you couh'ui thave | ut my things out forme, when jou had iioihii;y eL-iC to cio all morning." " Because," said Mrs. ?t. an, settling her- self into a:i adiLiioiiaiaitiLleof lainieiit with awful deliheratioii. " nol edy ] lit niiie out forme. 'A lair field and no luvcurs,' my dear. ■' Mr. Man plunged into his shirt like a bull at a ted ling. " Foul!' he shouted, in nialicious triumph. " No hutt(.n on the neck!" "Because," said Mr^. Man, swo.etly, after a deliberate stare at the lidgetiiig, in latient man, during which Fhe luttentd hn drtsB and put eleven pins where they would do most good, " htcause you have got the shirt on wiong side out." When Mr. Man slid out of that shirt he began to sweat. He dropped the shirt three times before he got it on, and while it was over his head he heard the clock strike ten. When his head came through he saw Mnfk Man coaxing the ends aad howu of her neob* tie. " Wher Mrs. M presently and saw } touM rinil ■he S'liil: "In til Mrs. M kant'^d 11 ; hutto IS. "Eleati you must " I ii.iv Ming her the winn night -r Mr. Ma ■tairs on boots, am hall at th and despa with m )r( a Webb's like the 1 " Are J the wife ( the Villus' The uu throw me Mrs. ^ him. " My V awav att "Up i •were'!. " Pank " I do Tours "If, ner hand time to p She w;i door opei " Whe put my V " You sailed ba Before ■he was " Ele;i you wea; She pii itreet ca "Yo.i Andt figure ai neigh bo I ohargiii!. at the ft ■hriekin vnoonsc hat was and if si ihirts, 9 favours, yon Mail l)ulge«i that iirn', aud thf,-.'- with m- j^ luiiier his w il'uip .Mra, eil (i(}' alons, S to {lUil off Fui- the .-anit c liin tiircugh p ill tlio cur- he ji) kt.(l off liu Jiall, and raci;, ;uia by luoii) lie waa cJotliis. He Hid I'f^^iu to tern«i atter \ li( re are my icrly I ({.lied uciiiJv l)( lore Ay coax.hg a 't ! " slioiited l\c tnijitied er, and ilier« rt- heioie. " y J. act.'-, held or siai,s)'}iug ), aiid wimia ed : iid tlie floor havtij't beeu ;d Mr. Man, i}' things out ;]iie to no all settling her- lamitiit with lit mi 10 out lavcurs,' mj It like a bull oui, triumph. ftoetly, after .tr, in latient d hn (irfc8B y vould do ^(.t the ehirk I at shirt h« t shirt thret ("bile it was strike ten. c saw Mrc Df her neoii^ DRIVING THE OOW. " Where's my shirt-studs ?" he cried. Mrs. Man went out into another room and presently came back witli gloves and hat, Mid saw Mr. Man em[)t.yin<_' all the boxes he •ouhl rind in and abi>nt the bureau. Then ■he S'ii'l: •'In the shirt you just took off." Mrs. Man put on iier gloves while Mr. Man kant-fd up and down the room for his culf bntto'is. " Eleanor," he snarled at last, " I believe you must know where those buttons are." " I h.iven't se.)n them," said the lady. set- Ming her hat, "didn't you lay them down on the winnow-sill in the sitting-room last night ?" Mr. Man remembered, and he went down- •tairs on the run. He stepped on one of his boots, and was immediately landed in the hall at the foot of the stairs, with neatness •nd despatch, attended in the transmission with m )re bumps than he couhl count with • Welib's adder, and lauding with a bang like the liellgate explosi(m. " Are yon nearly ready, Algernon ?" asked the wife of his family sweetly, leaning over the V)iiusters. The unhappy man groaned. " Can't you throw me down that other boot ?" he asked Mrs. Man pityingly kicked ic down to him. " My valise?" he inquired, as he tugged iiwav at the boot. she an- " Up in your dressing room, •wered. ••Packed?" '•J do not know ; unless you packed it yours ■If. probably not," she replied, with her hand on the door-knob ; I had barely time to pack my own." She was pass ing out of the gate when the door opened, and he shouted: '• Where in the name of goodness did you put my vest? It has all my money in it!" •' You throw it on the hat rack, " she Oftlled back ; "good-bye dear.'' Before she got to the corner of the street •he was hailed as;aiii. '• Eleanor! Eleanor! Eleanor Man! Did you wear off my coat ?" She paused and tviriM^d after signalling the itreet car to stop, and cried, '• Yoii threw it in the silver closet." Ami the street car engulfed her graceful figure and she was seen no more. But the neighbours say that they heard Mr. Man oharging up aud dawn the house, rushing out at the front door every now and then, and ■hrieking up the deserted streets after the unconscious Mrs. Man, to know where his kat was, aud where she put the valise key, and if she had any clean socks and under- ihirts, aud that there wasn't a linen collar in the house. And when he went away at la^t, he left the kitchen door, side door and front door, all the down -stair windows and the front gate wide open. And thelouniiers around the depot were somewhat amused just as the train was pulling out of sijht down in the yards, to see a flushed, perspir- ing man, with his hat on sideways, his vest buttoned too buttons too high, his cuffs un- buttoned and neck-tie flying and his grip- sack flapping open and shut like a demented shutter on a March night, and a door key in his hand, dash wildly across- the platform and halt in the midHle of the track, glaring' in dejected, impotent, wrathful mortification, at the departing train, and shaking his trem- bling fist at a pretty woman, who was throw- ing kisses at him from the rear platform of the last car. Driving the Cow. Mr. Forbes is a nervous man, and it is not surprising that when Mrs. Forbes told him the cow li.id got out at the front gate, he was &o startle I and annoyed that he made some disjointed allusions to the scene of fieueral Newton's dynamite explosions. A hen he went out the cow was stamling very (juietly in the street, just in front of the gate, idiew- ing her cud, best navy, and looking as though she were trying to think of something mean to say. Mr. Forbes got around in front of her, raised both his hands above his head, and, extending his arms, waved them slowly up and down, at the same time ejaculating, "Shoo! shoo there. I say ! Shoo ! The cow turned her cud over to the other side, and gazed at the appari.'-ion in some astonii^h- ment, and then began to back away and m moBUvre to get around it. It is a remark- able fact, which we have never heard Prof. Huxley explain, that a cow is perfectly will- ing to go in any direction save the one in which you attempt to drive her. When the cow bfigan to back, Mr. Forbes slowed up with hia arms and assumed a more coixing tone. When the cow started to make a flank movement off to the right, Mr. Forbes keut in front of her by sidling across in the same direction, at the same time raising his voice and accelerating the movement of his arms. When the cow made several cautious diver- sions and reconnoissances this way and that, Mr. Forbes was compelled to keep up a kind ofChinese cotillon, dancingtoand fro acrossthe road, keeping time with his shuffling feet and waving hands, and the children on their way to school gathered in little groups on the sidewalk aud viewed the spectacle with great interest, alternately cheering the cow and encouraging Mr. Forbes, as one side or the other would gain a little advantage. When the cow would make a short, de- VOICES OP THE NIGHT. termined rash, c«aaing Mr. Forbes to scuttle serosa the street, in *> perfect whirlwind of dust and sticks uxd • rattling volley of " Hi ! hooy ! shoo, there ! hoo-y !" the en- thusiasm of the audience was unbounded. Once, Mr. Forbes got the cow fairly cor- nered and headed her right into the gate.. but just as the gray light of victory fell upon his uplifted face, Mrs. Forbes und the hired girl came charging out in mad pur- suit of a flock of geese that had taken ad- vantage of the open gate to stroll in and have a nip at the house plants on the back porch. Squacking, whooping and scream- ing, the flying geese and the pursuing column came out like a runaway edition of chaos, and the cow gave a snort of terror and turned short upon Mr. Forbes, who tossed his hands more wildly and shouted more vociferously than ever, and got out of the way with neatness and dispatch, just as the cow went by with the swiftness of a golden opportunity or a vagrant thought. Mr. Forbes' blood was up, and he was bound to head oflF that cow if it was in the power of man. Spurred to intense energy, by the derisive shouts of the children, he bent his head and picked up his flying feet. They got a pretty fair send ofif, Mr. Forbes and the cow, and as they swept up the street, they could look into each other's eyes and glsue detiance while they spurned the dust with flying feet. Mr. Forbes ran until his eyes seemed bursting out of his head and his very soul seemed to be in his legs; the perspiration started out of every pore; evety time he stiuck the ground witli his foot he thought he felt the earth shake, and yet, though he tugged and sweat and strained until all the landscape was yellow hefore his blood-shot eyes, he couldn't gain a hair's breadth on the shambling, awkward cow that went sprawling and kicking along l)y his side, hlling the soft September air with such a wild, tumultuous, horrible jangling of bells that Forbes made up his mind to throw the bell away the moment he got the cow home. The people on the streets sto{>ped and waved their hats and cheered enthusiastically as the procession swept past, liidits leaned out of the windows and smiled sweetly on the man and cow alike. Cuce Forbes stumbled over a crossing and had to take strides twenty -three feet long for the next half block to keep from falling, and he was sure he was split clear up to the chin and would have to button his trousers ai'ouud his neck forever afterward, but he wouldn't give in to a cow if he died for it. At the next corner the cow turned off down a side street; Forbes shot across the side- valk for a short cut, and the next instant he went crashing half way through a latticed tree box. A street car driver stopped hia car and assisted Mr. Forbes to a sittane posture, leaned him up against a fence and went on with his train. And as Mr. Forbes sat in a dazed kind of way, mechanically rubbing the dust and dirt off his coat and pinning up long gashes and grimly grinning aperture in his clothes, there came to his ears the distant tinkle tankle of a far away cow btll, the niellowe<l sound rising and falling in tender cadences, with a dreamy, swaying melody, as though the bell was somewhere over in the adj(tinina county, and the cow that wore it was waltzing along over a country road a thousand miles • minute. Voices of the Night. Mr. Joskii.s is not an old settler in Bur- lington. He came to the city of magnificent hills from Keokuk, aiid after looking around, selected a rtsideuce out on West Hill, be- cause it was in such a quiet locality, and Mr. Joskins loves peace and seclusion. Itii a rural kintl of a ntighbonjhood, and all of Mr. Joskins' neighbours keep cows. And every cow wears a bell. And with an in- stinct worthy of the Peak family, each neighbour had selected a cow bell of a dift'er- ent key and tone from any of the others, in order that hu ifiii.lit know the cow of his heart from the other kine of the district. So that Mr. Joskins' nights are lilled with music of a rathtr wild, barbarous type, and the lone starry hours talk nothing but cow to him, and he has learned so exactly the tone of every bell and the habits of each corres- ponding cow that the voices of the uight are not an unint(!Ui;;ible jargon to him, but they are full of inttlligence, and he understands them, it makes it much easier for Mr. Jos- kins, who is a nervous man, than if he had to listen and conjecture and wonder until he was fairly wild, as the rest of us would have to do. As it is, when the first sweet mo- ments oi his slumber are bioken by a sol- emn, ponderous, resonant "Kaluni, kahim, ka-lum 1" Mr. Joskins knows that the widow Barbery's old crumple horn is going down the street looking tr.r.iT; d^Tr.f: ort gatr, md h:- k> nwl- edge is confirmed by a doleful "Ka-lum-pu- lum ! " that occurs at regular intervals as old crumple pauses to try each gate as she passes it, for she knows that ajipearances are deceitful, and that a boy can shut a front gate in such a way as to thoroughly deceive his father and yet leave every catch unfast- ened. Then when Mr. Joi-kins is called up from his. second doze by a lively serenade of "To-link, to-lank, lank, lankle-inkle, lankle-iukle-tekinleinkletelink, kink, kinkr He kuows that Mr. Throop's young brindl* t is in Thr tlewsite of slippers ap in l)ed that Mr. against ■bed, thu the noisef s clod, a when the bring.s wii waitc's re kins' bedr coustructi applied ej sud tinkl through t Mr. Jodki sleep, he noyeil, to " Klan Like tiie a murder waite's o down to 1 anything listens ti it reaohet medley o him all and the a thai: on ti " tinkle-1 down the heaps, u tankle " cow skin escort o *' tringle ding," o the sidev the sIkk klank," cracked i o-oo-ali-D lost tlie I since ke] supply 11 these CO' they ar« And altl s quiet 1 portiinit observat gister a will kee so as to will live •nd mal the pica stopped hia to a sittung a fence and s Mr. Forb«8 nir( hanicuUy his coat and mly grinuing came to his f a far away d rising and th a dreamy, he bell was county, and Itzing along and miles • lor in Bur- f magnificent king around, ;st Hill, be- locality, and lusion. It is , and all of cows. And Mitli an in- Family, each 11 of a differ- le others, in e cow of his district. So d with music {je, and the but cow to !tly the tone each correa- the ujoht are im, but they understands for Mr, Job- u if he had ider until he 1 would have st sweet mo- sn by a 6ol- »w Barbery's vn the street ('' }?;'" t' nwl- Kalum-pu- intervals as I gate as she earances are shut a front jhly deceive atch un fast- is called up serenade of Aiikle-inkle, ?ink, kii.kr ung brindle TH£ DEMAND FOK LIGHT LABOUR. is in ThfKigtlewaite'a garden, and that Thros- tlewatte IS sailing around after her in a pair of slippers and a few clothes. And by sitting ap lu Ited Mr. Joskins can hear the things that Mr. Throistlewaite is throwing strike »gaiu.-«t the f iJe of the house and the wood- shed, thud, spat, bang, and the character of the noises tells him whether the missile was a clod, a piece of board, or a brick. And when the wind down the street is fair it brings with it taint echoes of Mr. Throstle- waitc's remarks, which bring into Mr. Jos' kins' bedroom the odour of bad grammatical construction aud wicked wishes and very ill- applied epithets. Then when the final crash and tinkle announce that the cow has bulged through the front fence and got away, aud Mr. Joskins' turns over to try aud get a little sleep, he is not surprised, although he is an- noyed, to be aroused by a sepulchral "Khuik, klauk, klank !" Like tiie chains on the old-fashioned ghost of a murdered man, for lie knows it is Throstle- waite's (dd duck-legged brown cow, going down to the vacant lot on the corner to fight anything thatgives milk. And he waits aud listt-ns to the "klank, klank, klank," until it reaches the corner, and a terrific din and medley of all the cow bells on the street tell him ail the skirmishers have been driven in and the action has become general. Aud from thau on till morning, Mr. Joskins hears the " tinkle-tankie " of the little red cow going down the alley to prospect amonj; the garbage heaps, and the " rankle tan kle, rankle- tankle " of the short-tailed black and white cow skii luishing down the street ahead of an escort of badly assorted dogs, and the " tringle ile-ding, tringle-de-diug, ding, ding," of the muley cow that goes along on the siilewalk, browsing on the lower limbs ot the shade trees, and the " klank, klank, klank," of the tigliting cow, whose bell is cracked in three places, and incessant "moo- o-oo-ah-iih " of the big black cow that has lost tiie clapper out of her bell and has evei since kept up an unintennittent bellowing to supply Its loss. Aud Mr. Joskins knows all these cows by their bells, and he knows whai they are doiug and where they are goiu^. And althougu it has murdered his dreams ot a quiet houiu, yet it has given him an op portunity to cultivate habits of intelligeni observation, and it has induced him to re gister a vow that if he is ever rich enough ht will keep nine cows, trained to sleep all day so as to le ready for duty at night, aud ht will live in the heart of the city with theiii and make them wear four bells apiece just for the pleasure of his neighbours. The Demand for Light Lahonr. One morning, just as the rush of house cleaning days was beginning to abate, a robust tramp called at a house on IJarues- street, aud besought the iuinates to give him something to eat, averring tuat h ' had not tasted food for nine di^ys. *• Why don't you g. > to work ? " asked the lady to whom lie prtterred his petition. " Work ! " he ejaculated. " Work 1 And what have I been di«iug ever since tiio mid- dle of May but hunting work ? VV lio will give me work? When di<l 1 evtr refuse work ? ' " Well," said the woman, ' I gue&s I can give you some employineut. V\ liat can you ! '■ he shouted, in a kind ui "Anything that any man "Anything delirious joy. can do. I'm sick for something to dy at. Why, only yesterday 1 worked ail day, cariying water in an old sieve from Flint Kiver and emptying if into the Mi.-r.issippi, just because 1 was so tired of having nothing to do, that I had to work at someinuiLi or I would have gone ravin' crazy. I'll Uo any- thing;.', from cleaning hou.ie lo building a steauiboat. Jest give me work, ina'am, an' you'll never huar me usk for liread ajiin. The lady was pleased at the willingness and anxiety of this industrious man to do something, and she leil him to inc wood pile. "Here,'" she said, •• vou can Jti.v and split this wood, and if you arc a j:""<l, in- dustrious worker, I will lind work tor you to <lo, nearly all winter." "VVell, now," said the tiamp, wliile a look of disappoiiitineiit sioie over his face, "that's just my luck. (July thice days ago I was piulin' a blind cow out of sx well for a poor widow woman who had notluu' in the world but thiit cow to hupport her, an' I spraint my right wrist till 1 hain't l>ten able to lift a jxiiiud with It siiiL;::. You km jest put your hand on it now and ftcl it throb, it s so painful and intiamed. I could jest cry oi disappointment, but its a l.d'ie fact, ma'am, that 1 couldn't lift that axe ab(jve my head ef I died fur it, anil I'd jest as lief let you pull my arm out oy mu n,ot« u;* >.r. try to pull that saw through a lath, .iest set me at someilung 1 kin uo, thouuli, it you want to see the dust fly." "■Very well," said the lady, " ilun you can take these flower beds, which have been very much lugiected, and weed tiiem very carefully for me. You can do that with your weil hand, but 1 want you to be very par- icular with them, and get them very cle^a, and not injure any of the plants, for they are very choice aud 1 am very proud of them." 1'he look of disappointment that had been 84 MASTER BILDERBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL. cliascil iiway from the iiuhistrious man's face wlioii lii> s.-iw :i prospoi't of soiiietliiim elso to do. ivriio b.v.'k ilot'pcr tlian oviT :V9 tlio hu\y dosi'iilioii the m>« j(>!>, iiii'i \\ Ikmi sIu> con- chiacil, lit- hail to rom;iiu (juiot for a moment bofori' h'' ooiilil control his iiui>t;oii anfliouuit- ly to ajuMk. "If 1 .vin t tho most oiifnrtnit iiiait in Anicriliv." hi' siij;hoil. " I'm jest »lvm' for work, orMzy to got .somothin' to do. ar\.l I'm bhH'ki'ti out of work at I'v^ry ttirn. 1 jest lovo to work !>mong Mowors ami dig in the ground, lint. I iiovor dassoiit do ir fm I'm jost bine ruin ,ru.)ng tho posii-s. Nol).idy ovor oai'od ; .1 tivuh nii' .inythin aoiuit tl.nvoraand it*!* a ti'ispt'I truth, nKi'ani, 1 oan't tell a vio- lot from ,1 sniitlowor nor;» red rose from a dog fennel. Last plaee 1 tried togit work at, vv«>- man of thi> lionse set me to \vo:k weiMlin' tlio p.n-ilo'i, 'in' I wioke 1 ahout .leouple of lionra. in(Ui:-", r.ius glad to get work, now ymi het, and I imlled up every last livin' greiMi thing intii.i' \ af 1. Hope I , may die ef I didn't. Pulled u't ill tho grass, ovory Made if it. Fai't. I'ldled up a vine wuUi seventy live ilolli->;. tiiat had roots reaehiu" el'ai- under the eellar and into tluMUstern, .and 1 yanked 'em ■ • dit up, every til)re of 'cm. NN'oman was so heart hroko when she >Mme out ami see t' r \ atd just as hare as the tloor of a briek \ard that they had to put her to bed. Bible's ';uth. tiiey tjid. ma'am : and 1 had to Work \<n- that house tiire" months lor notliin' »ml lin.l m\ board, to pay fur the djiniage 1 «lon' Hope to die ef I didn't, .lest gimine suthin' i kiiiito, I'll show you hat work is. but I \\-ouMu't dure to go foolin' around no lltnvrrs. N"oti've got a kind heart ma'am, gimnu' sorie work ; don't send a deapairin' man avvav .ungry fm- wiuk" '"Wvll," riu> l.ady said, "yon ean beat my caipi'ts for nio. 'I'liey ha\t' jtist been taken up, and vou ean beat *l,ein tlioroiiudily. and by. the Mn\e they .are done, 1 will iijivt" aonu'- thiiii; (>lse ready for you " Till' man nu.de a gesture of despair and sat do-v \ on the grouinl, the picture of abjeet helple •iiies'* ami disajipointed asjiii^ations. " Look at me now," heexelaimed " What is goin to lieei>uu' o' m(> ? i)id you ever see K man so down on his luek like me? 1 tell you ma'am, you must give mesonuMhin' lean do. I w ouldn't no more daro to tt'eh them o.arp(>ts Mian uothin' in tho Morld 1 d ti'ar 'eni to pieee.s. I'm a awfid hard hit- tor, an' file last, time 1 beat any earpets was for a woman out at t'reston, and { jtiat W«'lt'-i| them earpets into strim;s and carpet vt\\:», I oouldn't help it. I CHu't hold in my strength.* I m too |llad to g<>t to work, that's tno tronlili> with nu\ ma'am, it's a Bible fact. I'll bent them carpets, if you say no, but I won't bo rcspou- sible fur 'om ; no niakiu' mo work for uothin' fur rivo or six weeks to pay fur tearia 'cm into slits yer know. I'll go at 'em if youll say the word and take the rosp 'usibility, bnt the fact is, 1 am too hard a wi>' ker to gu foolin' arouitd oarpots. that's just what I am." The l.uly oxeusod the energi tn- worker from going at tho carpets, bnt was ptizzled what to set him at. I'^inally xhe asked him what there was he would like to do and eeald do, with safety to himself and t'o' woik. " Well, now," he said, " that's eoi.siderit in ye. 'rii.vt's real eonsid.erit. ami I'll take a liold and do something that'll give yi th« wuth of V'uir money, and won't give me ih> ohanee to destroy nothiji' by workin' ton hard at ir. If ye'll jest kindly fet«'h me out a roekin' chair, I'll set down in f'e ■'h \ '■• and keep the cows front liftiu' the latch of tht front gate- and gettin' iuti> t h«' yard. An' I'll do it well ainl I'ldy charge you reisonalile for it, fur the fact, is I'm so di.ad er.i/.y fur work tlinr it isn't big pay I want .m> mueh iH> a steady job. " .\!id wlieii he was rejected an. I -^ent forth,* jobless and breakfast less, to wander ii,i ami down the col. i, unfeeling woiM !m search of work, he cast stones at the Inuisc iind said, in dejected tones. " There, i-ow, th.'it's just tl.e \\a\ . They callus a bad hd., ami say we'ie la.'y p.nd tliieves, and wiui't work, when .-t leller is ' just crazy to work and nob(.il\ woi 't give , him narv job that he kin do Wmu t work I ! I^and alive, they won't givi' u.- work, an' when we want lo an' try to, Ic y wmi't. let lis. Thoie .iin't a man in .VnnriUy i hfit 'ml work as bard aii' as stiddy 'S I would if they'd gimme a chance." Master Bllderback Returns to School. \\ e remember one day l.isf ^ummii', duf- iiiL' the long v.u'aiion, when the lln'i'kfy* published a news item stating that a boy named Bilderl'ack had fallen fioin these.itof a rejiiiing machiiic, and got t ut to pices, a patient, wear> looking, and ratiu' hambomt young lady culled at the utlice, aid aoptvired to tie vtiy an.xious t<i have that it» in \ciitied. .\nd whin we gave her all possil U assur- ance thai everything appearing in th.it great and good paper, the llauk<-iit\ was i eci ssar- ily true, sio' dicw a deep ^•'g!' •t n bef .-ind said she flit acMially thinkiiil Aw wouldn't have that \ioy to ibnioralize tbe school thtt next term. .Viid then she siiiile ,s\«eetly. and tli.aiikcd us for our assiiriig words, and went away. Imagine her dismay, then, ab' nt ihethinl or fou'th day of the fall term, whei' a terrifi* cheering in the yard, about ten minute* before bchool time, drew hei to the window, MASTER HILDEHBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL. a» k for nothin' ir tfiiriii 'om I'm ir' youll >>;il>ility. but iM' Uor to gu list wlijit 1 itu- wtirkor was [nizzled I' :isU('.i him li> and I'dald 1' \Vi>;k. '■< i'i«ii.si(li>rit u\ I'll takeA civf yi th« I'ivc mo iH> vin' t.iu hard li me out H <' -!i V ■'•' and laioh ..f tht r.l. Am' I'll I ri'isonahle 111 cia/.y fur ) M> iiiut'h iia 1 -^I'lit forth,' ii<i«'r 11,1 iuni '.1 X •I'ch of .'iiul ,-< aiil, iu \\a\. They f la.-y p.ihI a idler ia wor't give '"II t work 1 - \> "ik, Ml' y >\' n't, l»»t '>y 'iiat 'u(l I Mould if School. Mimi r, du»- It' Ihi'i'kvy lliat a hoy 1 tliO St'jitof to |iio.'us, » ' liainUomt il ai'iuvire*! in \ iiitied. 'I I i« a^sur- lliat great N I I'd ssar- •1 ,(• -uul I" M I'niiln't "I'liool th« s" fi'tly. ivonis, and I the thirtl '• ft lt'irifl« I Miinutm e wiiniow, whem-o looking down, she saw evory last •t. itaiy lingonng boy in that solionl liistvict dAUoing ami yoUing about Mastor Hihlorlwu-k, who was (laiu'ing highor and singing lou<lor tban any oih« r boy in the oauons, Hi'r heart »ank within her ; but slio l>iaci'd up Mid \>ont ilowu stairii to (|nit't the boillani, uid in ti>e niiirito8 Icarmnl the dreadful truth. Master Bildorbaek had met witli a reaping marliino aoeident, but tlie papers h^il re|i.irti'.i it inoorreeHy. lie had climbed into tlie seat tlie ni'Murnt his uiu'le. on v.hose f»rni lie was spt-nding t iio va.'ation, got. d()wn. Hepro idod one of the horses witli a pin in the #nd of a stick, and nnidc the (cam run avvay. The terrilie 1 animals ran the macliine over twenty stumpsauil m:ished itt(> pioi-es; one of the horses ran a!.^aiu.sta In ilge stake and was killed, and I lie other jumpcil »)!)' a bridge and broke a le:4 ; Master UilderbacU's uncle, chas- ing alter tlu' llyingteam, haddasiicil through a liornet's nest, and tlio sociable little insects oanie .>M' ami sat down on iiim totalk it over, until his Ilea 1 was swelled as bikj aa a nail- keg and Ic' c ouldu't opi n his eyes for a week; % farm hand, wlio tried to atop the horses by nisliiogout in frojitof them, was hit by Ihe toULMie of the reaper and kno-ked into the middle of an (.)sagt> orange hedge, where ho ituek I'or ihreehoiirs, and tost his voice by toreamiiig, and was scraped to the bone when I hey linally pulled him out with grap- pling ho iks And Mastor 'blderbaek, the »uthor of all this ealamity, was (hr'Wii from bis seat at the tirst st\imp and fell on a shock ©fgram, .nd wasn't jarred or brviised or ■orateho I a pirticle. .Vol ihat niglit, wIomi bia annt h;i".led hisbbmled uncle the lialter ■t'Ap. anil hold Mastci- i^ilderback in front of bini to re eive nnriteil eastigation, that graeelcss y.mng wretch seized his annt around the n.'ck after the tirst blow, and, Wheeliig licr into liis place, Inld her tliere, drowuin ; her piercing explanations and (dead- IngH in Ills own tumultuous, Init deceilfnl. bowlings ;nnl roarings, until her back looked Uko a w;n map, and Ihe exiianstrdtincle laid down Ihe .';tiap witl\ the remark that he "guessed l;iat would leacli iiim somelhing. " And so tic teai'her, \\ hen she sa\\' Master Bililerliai'k at schonlag.ain, felt wciry of life, and sighed t ■• rest her deej) in the silent grave if she could find onethat was for rent, and (iidn't cost more than a ipiarter's sa- lan'. It being the young man's (iistilay at school that tirm, he was f.'elii\g pretty well, thank you. Heliad a liuht and a half befme tiie bell rang ; the half light beuig an nnsrecess ful attempt on his part to ptill enough iiair out of the buck of another boy's head to stulT amrttiesH. and a highly successfu' effort on the part of the other boy to elaw euough hide off Maator Bilderback's nose to make a pair of boots of, at which discouragingstiui' ottht war Master H. tbew off his fnrces, and m ,<. conciliatory spirit •nt'ornicd the audience t i\at he w,is only in fun. Then, bcfoie the open- ing exeicises were half through, three iioys in his neighhonrhood rose up in their st-ats, and with bitter wails began feeiing about in their persons f.>r intrusive pins. Winn tho lirst class tiled out to it.s place, the cii cling urin told (lie anxious teaiher tliat M.ister MilderbaiK Innl inked the end of his nose. Then he induced the boy next to hun ti> ban his head back .vuiiinst the w;dl. just as Mas- ter \\. did ; and wiien fli;it i'omi>laisant boy was suddenly called on to rise and recite, he lifted up his voice and wept, for he iiad pulled .'I piece of slioemaker's wax ;'nd .-ihout two inches of blackboard slating and pijcNier out of the Willi witli hi.s biick h.-vir. Then he spread out till' tad ol another l>oy s coat on the seat, ami piled aliitl" pyramid of Imek- shot on it; ami when tlie boy stood up to lecite, he waswalt/i'd out on tlie floor — batlied in innoecnt tea;:' and protestin." hit innocence- for thiowiu'; shot in the lli)or. and was told that he was growing wo'se than that Hihlerback lioy. He lied the ends of a girl's sash aiouiul the back of her ehiiir. and \\ hen she tried to stand np she w;is abiirst jerked out of existence. Me was sent out « ilh .a boy who was taken with the nose bleed, ■ind found ocvasioti to mix ink in tlip water lie poured en the sutl'i'rei'a hands ; so that, on his return, the sufVerer's .uificaranee created such howls of derision that it si a' ted the nose-bleed afnsh and threw the I'ailier into hystirirs. Ileeiitiicd a gaint hound into the gill's side of the yard, and clapping a patent clotiiespin on one of its pendent e u'9, raised the alarm of "mal dog!" and langlied till he choked to see the howliiur aminal rushing aroui.d trying to paw the riot lies pin j otV ; wtiile the sh'.ieking giils wreekcii them- selves in desperate and freipieiitly .^-iiccess- I ful attempts lo climb ovi'r an ei-iit foot I fence, lie jiut a piiichim; bug as big as a I postaue-stamp down a lioy's back, lie got a long slate-pencil erossways in h'smontli. and it nearly ]>oked through his » lioeks hi'fore tliey could break it and get it out. lie tosa- I ed a big anph' hard as a rock, out of ihe third story MinilovN at random, and it ^lluck ! an old ladv in the i'\e as Nhe was \v,di,ing ' along iidmiiint: the building; ami she cimv I U|> and gave the poor tortured teacher ;i piece j of liec mind as lonjif as the ilogdays. He dropped into the water-bucket a lot of oxalic acid, that had been brought to take some ink splotehos out of tlie floor, and name withiu one of poisoning the whole school before they ftuind it out'; and, (in.-illy, he poked a bi'an BO far up hia uoae that they thought it was 26 ODE TO AUTUMN. coming out of his eye ; and the happy teacher dismissed him, thoroughly frightened for t he first time ia his eventful life, and he ran like a race-horse all the way home, cry- ing louder at every step, r nd never stopped to call a name or throw a stone. Ode to Autumn. AFTER TENNYSON. The sPab-ihoppcr creaks in the leafy gloom, And the bumble-bee bumbleth the live long •lay; But tlie mathcringnurks in the bran new broom. And bushed is the sound of the buzz saw's play. Oh, it's little he thinks of the cold mince pie. And it's Utile he seeks f the raw ice cream; For I he djing old year with its tr muloussigh. Shall waken the lingering loon from bis dream. Ob list ! For the cricket, now far, now near. f ull shrilif iilly sinifeth his niundelay ; Whi.e the iiej^ligent noodle his noisy cheer bcreeps wliere ibe noodl - bug eats the hay. Oh, the buzz saw so bnzzily buzzeth the slick And buinblin;<the bumble-bee bumbleth his tune, Willie c hit cricket cricks crickingly down at the creek Whi e the noodle noods noodingly, " Ha! It it is noon!" The dog fennel sighs, "She is herd she is hcri'l" And the smart weed says dreamily "Give us a rest!" The hop vine breathes tenderly, "Give us u bjor!" While the jimson weed hollers, "Oh, pull uowu your vest!" Oh^ Anna Maria, why don't you come home? For the clock .in the steeple strikes seven or eight ; ^^ ..y down in llie mazy mazourka the gloam Is glo.uuing iis gluamiiigeat gloam on the gate. The Sorrow on the Poor. It was a jioor, dejected looking tramp, who caijic limping wearily into town on the Fort Madison road, and, with the instinct of his class, made his way directly tov.ard Main- BtieiL, wiierc stimulants and company are most luimerous. He had a very tired look, and hi^ no'.rly °1>.w) feet secmod to \vci-;h a ton a piece. Tlie sim liad burned his face to a deeper brown tiian even the knotty hands that swung listli sdy at his side. He did not even carry tiic inevitable stick ; and the little bundle, without which the tramp's out- fit is never ccmiplete, although heaven only knows what is m it, was swung from his BlmuideiB by a heavy twine string, like a rude knapsack. No man is alive now that wore clothes when the hat he wore was made. It was a fearful and wonderful hat, and at- tracted more attention than anything he had on or about him. He limped along Main- street from Locast, diving into private houses in occasional forays tor bread, which were generally successful, for his poor, de- jected, sorrowful looking face threw a great deal of silent eloquence into his pleading, and the women could not bear to send the low-voiced man away hungry. These forayR were varie<i by occasional dives into places of refreshment, where he vainly pleaded for a small allowance of ardent spirits for a sick man ; the general result being that he was courteously refused and gently but firm- ly kicked out by the urbane barkeeper, who saw too many of him every day to be much proved. The poor fellow limped along till he got a little above Division-street, wlien he had to pass a knot of young men, and one of them a smart looking young chap, in a very gamey costume, and carrying a broad pair of shoulders and a bullet head, sur- mounted with a silver-gray plug hat, hung on his right ear, sang out, " Oh, shoot the liat !" The poor tramp only looked more dejected than ever, if possible, and shook his head meekly ami sorrowfully, and limped on. But the young sport shouted after lum : " (Jomc back, young fellow, and see how you'll trade hats I" The outcast paused and half turned, and said in mournful tones : "Don't niiiko j^ame of a onfortnit man, young gentis. I'm poor and I'm sick, but I've the fcelin'a of a man, an' I km feel it when I'm made game of. If you could give me a job of work, now — " A chorus of laughter greeted the sug- gestion, ami the smartot young man repeated las challenge to trade liats, and finally in- duced the mendicant to limp back. "Take oH' your hat," saiil tlie young man of Burlington, "and lot's see whoso make it is. If it isn't Stetson's, I won't trade." "Ull, that's Sletsdii's," chorused the crowd. " lie wouldn't wear auy thing but a first-class hat." But the tramp replied, trying to limp away from the circle that was closing aiouna him. " Indeed, yniaig ^euta, don't bi; haul on a onfortnic man. 1 don't believe I couhl git that fiat ott'n my liead ; I ilon't iiuleed. I haint had it off fur mor'n two mouths, indeed I haiut. I don't believe I kin git it off at all. Please let me go on. " But the unfeeling young mea crowded around him more closely and insisied that the hat should come off, and tLe smartest young man in the company said he'd pull it offibr him. " Indeed, youug gent," replied the tramiL apologetically, " I don't believe you ouuia am. MR. GEtliOLllAN LOSES HIS DOO. along Main- ito private read, which lis poor, de- irew a great ia pleading, to send the These forayti into places pleaded for pirits for a ing tliat he ly but tirm- ceeper, who tu be much along till he when he en, and one chap, in a ing a broad head, sur- hat, hung Dre dejected )k hi» head limped on. r him : ind see how turned, and (irtnit man, n Biol(, bnt I km feel it I cuuld i^ive 1 the 8Ug- an repeated I finuily in- L. young man [)so make it trade. " nruscd the Lhing but m ig to limp iing around J Lai d ou a I cuuld git indeed. I ths, indeed it oH' at all. ng men luHely and oonie ofl^ i company the tramOk you coula ffit it off. It's been on ao long, I don't be- Uteve you kin git it off ; I don't really." The young man advanced and made a mo- tion to jerk off the hat, but the tramp limp- ed back and threw up his hands with a clumsy frightened gesture. " Come young gents," he whined, "don't play games on a poor fellow as is lookin' for the county hospital. I tell ye, young gents, I'm a sick man, I am. I'm on the tramp when I ought to be in bed. I can t hardly stand, and 1 haiut got the strength to be fooled with. Be easy on a poor " But the sporting young man cut him off with "Oh, give us a rest and take off that hat." And tiien he made a pass at the poor sick man's hat, but his hand met the poor, sick tramp's elbow instead. And then the Eoor man lifted one of his hands about aa igh as a derrick, and the next instant the silvtr-gray plug hat was crowded so far down on the young man's shoulders that the pointu of tlie dog's eared collar were sticking up through the crown of it. And then the poor sick man tried his otlier hand, and part of the crowd started ott' to help pick the young man out of a show window where he was staiidin:^ on his head, while the rest of the congregation was trying ita level best to get out of the way of the poor sick tramp, who was feeling about him in a vague, restless sort of way that made the street lamps rattle every tinif he found anybody. Long before any one could interfere the convention had adjourned sine die, and the poor tramp, limp- ing oi\ his way, the very persouiKcation of wretcliedness, sighed as he remarked apolo- getically to the spectators : " I tell you, gents, I'm a sick man ; I'm too sick to feel like foolin'; I'm just so sick that when I go gropin around for aomethin' to lean up agin, I can't tell a man from a hitchin' post ; I can't actually, and when I rub agin anybody, nobody hadn't ought to feel hai d at me. I'm sick, that's what I am." Mr. Gerolman Loses His Dog. Mr, Gerolman stood ou the frout porch of his comfortable home on West Hill, one "lorrn;^ looking out at the dr zzling rain in anything but a comfortable frame of mind. He looked up and down the yard, and then he raised liis umbrella and went to the gate and looked up and down the street. Ihen he whistled iira very shrill manner three or four times, and listened as though he whs ex- pecting a response. If he was, he was dis- appointed, for there was no response save tiie pattering ot the rain on hia umbrella, and he frowned heavily aa he returned to the porch, from which sheltered post of obaervatton he gloomily surveyed the dispiriting weather. " Dag gone the dag gone brute," he mut- tered savagely, " if ever I keep another dog again, I hope it will eat me up. " And then he whistled again. And again there was no response. It was evident that Mr. Gerolman liad lost his dcg, a beautiful ashes of roses hound with seal brown spots and soft satinhnish ears. He was » valuable dog, and this was the third time he had been lost, and Mr. Gerolman was rapidly losing his temper as completely as he had lost his dog. He lifted his voice and called aloud : "H'yuh-h-h Ponto ! h yuh Ponto! hyuhp onto ! h'yup' onto, h'yup onto, h'yuponto, h yuponto ! h'yup, h yup, h'yup ! " As he ceased calling, and looked anxiously about for some indications of a dog, the front door opened and a woman's face, shad- ed with a tinge of womanly anxiety and fast- ened to Mrs. Gerolman's head, looked out. " The children call him Hector," a low sweet voice said for the wistful, pretty face; but the bereaved master of the absent dog was in no hunioiir to be charmed by a beau- tiful face and tiute-like voice. "By George," he said, striding out into the rain and purposely leaving his umbrella on the porch to make his wife feel bad, "it's no wonder the dog gets lost, when he don't know himself. By Jacks, when 1 give eleven dolJ.irs for a dog, 1 want the privilege of naming him, and the next person about this house that tries to fasten an old pagan, Indian, blasphemous name on a dog of mine, will hear from me about it ; now tliat's all." And then iie inflated his lungs and yelled like a scalp hunter. Here, Htctor ! here. Hector! here rector, hyur. Hector, hyur rec, h'yurrec, k'yurrec, k'yurrec, k'yuriec ! (iodfrey's confial, Where's that dog gone to? H'yupimto, h'yupont ! h'yup, li'ynp, h'yup ! 1 hope he's poisoned — h yurrector ! By George 1 do; h'yuh Fiuito, good dog, Ponty, Ponty, Ponty, h'yuh Pont ! I'd give fifty dollars if some- one liad strychnined the nasty, worthless, lop-eared ciir ; liyurree, k'yurecu ! By granny, I'll kill him when he conies home, il i don't I hope to die; h'yuh Ponto, h'yuh Ponto, h'ljur Hkc ! ! " And as he turned back to the porch the door again oj^cued and the tremulous voice sweetly asked : "Can't you find him?" " Naw ! ! I " roared the exasperated dog- hunter, and the door closed very precipitate- ly and was opened no more durrig tiie ses- sion. " Here, Ponto 1 " roared Mr. Gerolman, from his position on the porcii, " Here Hec- tor !" And then he whistled until his head swam and his throat was so dry you could 28 8INGULAB TRANSFORMATION. f ■ I . light a match in it. "Here Ponto I Blast the il(»g. I suppose he's twenty-five miles from here. Hector 1 What are you lookin' »t, you gimlet-eyed old Bedlamite?" he gavagcly growled, apostrophizing a 8weet- fac^ed old lady with silky white hair, who had just looked out of her window to see wliere the (ire was, or who was being mur- dered. "Here. Ponto ! here, Ponto ! Good do!»i;ie, iiiiie old Pontie, nice old Heckie dog — Oh-h-h, " he snarleil, dancing up and dowu on tlie porch in an ecstacy of rage and im- patience, "I'd like to tramp tlie ribs out of the loni^-legged worthless old garbage-eater ; her<', l^ontn, liere l" To ilia amazement he heard a canine yawn, a lonj.'-'irawn, weaz-y kind of a whine, as of a doii who was bored to death with the dismal weather ; then there was a scraping sound, anii the ilog, creeping out fnmi under the porrili, from under his very feet, looked va- cantly around as though he wasn't quite Bure but what he h'ld heard some one callini: him, and then catching sight of his master, sat down and thumped on the ground with his tail, smiled pleasantly, and asked as plainly as ever dog asked in the world, " Were yon calling me ? " Mr. lierolman, f >r one brief instant, gas()ed for breath. Then • he pulled his hat down tight on his head, snatched up his umbrella with a convulsive gras^) and yelliid " C)ine ere !" in such a terriric roar that the white-haired old lad}- across the way fell ba.^k in a fit, and the <lng, snrmisingthat all was not well, brietly remarked that he had an engagement to meet somebody about fift y ei;zlit reet under the house, and shot under the porch like a sliooting dog- star. Mr. (ierolnian made a dash vo intercept him. but stumbled over a flower stand and plunged throngli a honey-suckle trellis, off the pnrch, and down into a raging volcano of moss-rose bush, straw, black dirt, shattered umbrella rilis. ati'l a uVnquitous hat, while far under the h luse, deep in the cavernous darkness, came thi; mocking lau^/h of an ashes of roses dog wi^h seal brown spots, accompai ied by the tauutiug remark, as nearly as Mr. Geroi- man .'ould understand the dog, " Wlio hit him ? Which way did he go?" Singular Transformation. Tt :i])pe:ir,s that (hiring vauatirm Master Bild.iliark. having f.dlen behind m his ■tudii s list term, was coinpelled by his ma to read Iiih tcliool liooks certain hours of the day, mit 1 he tscaiied that t/ranny by going out to h:H uncle Ke;,ser'« farm, jii order to make hiii study as light as possible, this in- Senious hoy had dissected, or rather skinned is books, and neatly inserted in their covers oertaiu works of the most thrilling character known in modern literature. When k* came back from the farm this transforn'ation business had entirely escaped his memory, and it was not even recalled when he heard his mother tell the teacher, who called in the hopes of learning that that .bean had sprouted and grown into his brain and would probably terminate fatally, that he was th* best boy to study during vacation she ever saw, and would pore for hours over hifl books, and even seem anxious to get at them. Master Bilderback had forgotten all aboot it, and only thought it was some of his mother's foolishness, of which he believed her to possess great store. As for the bean, the amazed teacher learned that it never wan discove.ed, it never came out and it never hurt him a particle, and had just naturally ceased to be. And the teacher went sadly away, moralizing over this case, and that of little Ezra Simpson, the best and most obedient, and most studious, and quiet- est, and moat lovable boy in her school who, one day stumbled and ran the end of a slat* pencil into his nose and died the next day. And long, long after she had got out of sight of Bilderback's house, she could hear ths hopeful Master Bihhrback shouting, "Shoot that hat !" and " Pull down your vest !"' to gentlemen driving, with their families or sweethearts, past the mansion. Dreadful boy, she thought, he will surely come to some end, some day. Well, it was only the ext day when th« reading class was called. Master Bi derbaok took his place for the first time. The boy next to him had no book, and as lie was called first, he jnst took Master BiMorback's, who turned to look on with the boy on the other side. The class was reading tlie selec- tion from "Ohl Curiosity Shop," and a girl had just finished reading the tender )jara- graphs, " She was dead. Dear, gentle, patient, noble Nell was dead. Her littU bird — a poor slight thing the pre.s.sure of a finger would have crushed — was stirring nimbly in its cage, and the strong lieiirt of its child-mistress was mute and motionless forever. " Imagine the feeling of the teacher when the boy who got up with Master Bilderback's reader went on : " ' Black fiend of the nethermost gloom, down to thy craven soul thou lieft,' ex- cliimed Manfred, the Aveuger, drawing his rapier, ' Draw, malignant hound, and die 1' " " * Down, perjured fool 1 Villain and double dyed traitor, down with thy caitiff face in the duat. Dare'at thou Icfy 3ie ? Bea^t with a pig's head, thy doom is scaled !' exulaimed the Mystic Knight, thr<^wingu]p his visor. 'Dost know me now? I am the Mad Muaoher of the Bazzarooks ! ' " "Mi blade a The the bo> asked her it in ania: and the less tlui Death reque- school SUBURBAN SOLITUDES. When b* ransforn-ation his memory, 'hen he heard vho called in lat .bean had lin and would It lie was th* tion slie ever urs over hii get at them. |en all about some of hii he believed for tlie bean, lat it never out and it d bad juat the teacher er til is case, the best and 3, and quiet- subool who, k\ of a Hiate be next day, out of sight Id hoar the ing, "Shoot ur vest !" to families or Dreadful rely come to ly vvlion the Bi ilerbaok e. 'J'he boy as he wae lil'Iniback's, ! boy on the g the seleo- and a girl endei' para- ar, gentle. Her little •esBure of a as stirring ng lieirto? tnotionlese icher when tilderback'i loat gloom, I'-oPt,' ex- rawinij hit and die I' " illain and thy caitiff Icfy aie T is sealed J' irnwing uf I am tlM » " Manfred, the Avenger, dropped his blade at this terrible iiame, and — The teacher caught her breath and stopped the boy. In tones of forced calmness she uked what he was reading, a ad he told her it was Bilderback's reader, and looked in aniazi nient at the innocent soho.'jaticback and the vdlainoua interior, which was nothing less than "The Blood, on the Ceiling ; or, the Death 'i'rack of the Blaok Snoozer." After reque.>tiny Master Bilderback to remain after school and explain, she called the next class, one in Arithmetic. '• Fi>her," she sain, "><iu may read and analyze the fourth problem.'" And FAisher, who was Bilderback's next ■eat mate, and had taken that young man s book by mistake, rose and read, " Ihc pnrtiost little baby, oh ! That everl did see, uh 1 Thev gave it paregoric, oh ! And sent it up to glory, oh ! F llaey, t'ollacy, my black heu, ."she la.\a eggrt lor uouiieiiieu; Sometimes ' "III mercy's name," shrieked the poor teacher, '• wliat have you got there ?" And investigation revealed the humiliating fact that wlien Mrs. Bilderback thought her young son was jmriiig over mathematical problems, he was leainnig choice vocal selec- tions out cf "The Full-Back Songster and Kthiopian Glee book." When the grannnjir class was called, the teacher asked some one to bring her a book. Master Bilderback was the nearest, and he handed her his, innocently enough, for Le had been busy with more projects than we could Tell about in !i week, since the arithnie- olasB had pone down. The teacher was tired and listless with that wearing worry and tor- tuie wbicli is only found in the school room, and she listlessly and mechanically opened the book at the place, and said, "Mamie, how would you analyze and imrse this setiteiioe," and casting her eyes on t4u; page, ksI;..' read : "Oier you doiid vas got some glothes on, go on dark blaccs, off you blease. Aiu'd it ? " She laid <iown tlie book, and burst into hystericnl teais, unable to exert her author- ity to restrain the mirth that burst out all over the school room. 8he dismiseed the ttohool and had not sufficient energy to pun- ish even Master Bilderback and that young xentleman only carried home a note to his father requesting that citizen and taxpayer to reorganize his son's school library before be sent him back to that palladium of our intry's liberties, the pablio school. A Bainy Day IdyL How mane times do I love you, dear i ■' That is beyond my number's skill ; Dearer your smiles than aught eiae hero. Unless it might be my umoerill. ^ Sweet is the glance of your soft brown eyes, >, Veiled wnen the biiken fringes tail ; Verse can not tell how much I prize Thee, and my constant umbersod. As the shadowy years speed on and by Over our lives like a magic spell ; Ever to thee I'll t iidly fly, Ai.d shelter you under my umberell. : : Time's wings are swifter than thought, my dear. When my he^rt is cheered by your sunny smile ; Never an hour is yad or drear, When Iknow where to look for my old um brile. Even when life its sands have run And my leaf has f .Hen sere and yellow. Little I'll hi ed eidier storm or sun Sate 'neaih the roof ol" my dear umbiollow. Ha I But the world is wrapped in gloom — Storm, rain and (einucsi round me roil ; Show me the man ! Oh, give me room ! Some wretch has stolen my umbersolo. Suburban Solitudes. Mr. Dresseldorf, wh-i can't endure any noise since be sold bis clarionet, has just moved intnthe sweetest little cottage out on South Hill, and here, he told Mrs. Ditssel- dorf, he would rest and spend his declining days under bis own vine and fig tree, with no one to molest or make him afraid. ""We have a few ncighlourH, he said, the afteinoon they got comfortablj- and cozily settled ; "Mr. Blodgerp, next door, keeps a cow, and will supply us with an abundance of j uro, fresh milk ; Mr. AVhackem, not far away, is an honest teamster, I understand, and will be convenient wnen we want a little hauling done from town ; Mr. Sturvesant, just down the street, has a sidendid dog that be saje keeps an eye on the entire neighbouihood, and I think we will live plea.«antly and happily here." And Mr. DresE- eldorf sat on the porch and solemn- ly contemplated the hammer bruises and the tack boles and nail marks and abrasions of stove lees and the pinches of obstinate stove-pipe joints on his hands, and wondered if Providence would be mer- ciful to him and strike the house with light- uins before next moving day rolled round. And with this pleasant and soothing thought, Mr. Dresseldorf fell into a trance of ecstatio content, delighted with the holy quiet of the scene and the neighbourhood, with Perkins' meadow in the serene distance, the sun sink* ing out of sight, throwing long bars of bar- Dished gold through a dump of forest trees off to the west, and the summer air vibrating with the hashed hnm U inieot life that floak* i BURLINOTON ADDBR. ed to the Dresseldorf porch. So quiet, so fall of peace, so fraught with meditation and retrospeccive self-coinmunings was the scene, that Mr. Dresseldorf wondered if he could endure so much happiness every evening. Just then, " Whoo 1 Who-oh-oh-oh-h ! ! " Whack I whack 1 whack ! Whoa I ye son of a thief ! Head him, Bill ! Whoa ! " "What under the canopy — " began the startlpi^ !ind ^-.^itoriislipd Mr Drpaaelrlorf ; bnt I'ust then he saw a gray mule with a paint- brush tail flying down the roa<l, head and tail up, and its heels making vicious offers at every animated object thatcame within range. It was plain that one of Mr. ^ hackem's mules had got away, as the honest teamstre and his three sous were seen skirmishing down the street. Mr. Dresseldorf groaned as the animal was cornered, and his picture of peaceful solitude fled. " Whoa ! Don't throw at him ! Whoa now!" "Head him off", dad!' "Git down tb;; i.,ail fdi'lci. T'il': .' " ^Vh'a. v-vboa, now ! " " Hee haw ! hee haw ! hee haw ! " " Hold on, Tom ! " " Hurry u]) ! " " Look out foi his heels!" "Now ketch him!" Chorus, " Whoa ! wiioa ! wlioa ! " " Hee haw, hee haw, hee haw!" Whoop! "Hi!" " VVhoop-pee ! " Dog gone the diddledy don gone mule to thunder ! " Mr, Dresseldorf groaned as the cavalcade went storming and crashing and hallooing down the street. "Thank heaven they're gone," he said. It sounded like a calliope, only it was too far from the river ; but it brought the man of peace to his feet all the same. "Sook-kee ! aook-kee ! Suke ! suke ! seuke ? " It was Mr. Blodgers calling his cow, as he emphasized the summons by pounding on the bottom of a tin pail with the leg of a milking stool, Mr. Dresseldorf moaned and buried his nervous hands iu his hair and tried to pull the top of his head off. While Mr. Blodgers was yelling and pounding, how- ever, a hiviicaue came tearing up the road — a whirlwind of dust and whoops and fiaiat- brush tails and horns and sticks— and rom this awful confusion shot forth yells and brays and bawls and the discordant clangor of a cotv bell. Mr. Blodgers ran out into the road, while Mr. Dresseldorf fell ou his knees and crammed his flnger in his eara. " What'n thunder's chasin' that keow, I'd like to know ? " queried Mr. Blodgers ; then, raising his voice, "Hey? hi? I say! Whoop?" And he was tossed over Mr. Dressoldorfs fence into a garden urn, and the hurricane nae' * on up the street, leaving Mr. Blodgers nowliaKiUke a dervish, and l^seeching the demoralized Dresseldorf to bring him some arnica and whiskey. Tho wretched man roM to minister to the sufferings of his neighbour, and get the two needful medicines ; but just as he came out of the house the pro* gramme changed again. Mr. Sturvesant'i dog, keeping an eye upon the entire neighbourhood, had met the whirlwind above mentioned up at the next corner, and had promptly turned it back. This unexi)ected retrograde movement I'lafod Mr. ^^'}•1•l•:pm. the three Masters Whackem, and a small mob of juvenile volunteers who had been picked up at one point of the chase and anotlier to help catch the mule, directly in the path of the charging mule and Mr. Blodgers cow. An immediate adjournment was at once moved and carried, and the entire con\niuiiity lit out for the nearest place of refug"' ; Ijut Mr. Sturvesaut's dog kept up tlie chase with such vigour that the whole vooiferous, yell- ing, braying, bawling, barking mass name bulging through Dresseldorf's front fence, upsetting tb nwnrr rtf fhi .rr,ot';*\' ;i!'<1 carrying him and Mr. Biodgers out into the alley, where the mass fell ap.nrt, the iniimals running to their respective stables, and the " human warious " seeking their homes as soon as they found each other. Mr. Dressel- dorf advertised hir. place fv,r s.ale the next morning. He is fond of the quiet life f)f a suburban residence, he says, but it is a little too far from business. A Burlin^on Adder. Burlington rejoices in a mathematical pro- digy. Indeed it is a perfect wonder, and our educational men and teachers used to tind a great deal of instruction and some pleasme in interviewing the child, a bright boy of nine years. His name is Alfred J. Talbot, and his parents live at No. 122.S North Main- street. The boy's health is rather delicate, so that he has not been sent to school a great deal ; but he can perform arithmetical feats that remind one of the stories told about Zerah Colburn. He was always bright, and possesses a remarkable memory. In com- pany with two or three members of the school board, we went to the home of the prodigy for an interview. He was marvel- lonsly ready with answers to every question. Our easy starters, such aa, "Add 6 and 3, and 7 and 9, and 2 and 9, and 5," were au- awered like a flash, and correctly every time Then «hen we got the little fellow at hi' ease, one of the directors took him in hand. He said : " Three times 11, plus 9, minus 17, divided hy 3, plua 1, multiplied by ,3, less 3, add 7, ia how nnny T" "Nine," akouted the boy, almost before the last word was spoken ; and the 'School I MISAPPLIED SCIENCE. 81 hini some led man roM 8 neighbour, 8 ; 1)ut jUBt the pro- 3turvesant'« the endre Iwirifl above er, and had unexpected ^Vb-flrPm. a small tnob been jiicked another to the path of iclgers cow. as at once commnnity ^efugi' : but chase with erona, yell- mass came ront feiioe, •ut into the ^he iiiiiinals OS, ami the ' hoities as Ir. Drcasel- e the next iot life of a it is a little natical pro- ler, and our ed to Hnd a pleaRurein ioy of nine Falbot, and orth Main- jr delicate, lool a great stical feats told about Jright, and In com- ers of the ome ot the 'as marvel- Y question, d 6 and 3, " were au- !very time_ How at hi* n in hand. i7, divided 3, add 7, oat before ihe School Inspectors and the newspaper man looked at each other in blank amazement. Then the other Inspector tried it : " Multiply 5 by 13, add 19, subtract 39, divide by 2, add 7, multiply by 9, add 15, divide by 7, add 8, mnltify by 3, leas 13, add 9, multiply by 7, divide by 9, add 13, divide by 11 — how many ?" " Ninety-six !" fairly yelled the delighted boy,clapping his hands with merriment at the ' amazement which crowned tbn cnnnf^flnances • ot his mterviewers, and the Ihsvm^i org turn- | ed to the paper man and said, " Take him, ' Mr. Hawkeife." i Then we did our best to throw the boy. ! As fast as we could speak, and without pnnc- I tuation, we rattled off this : ; 9 "Add 24 to 17^ multiply by 9i divide by i add .33 per cent, multiply by 16 extract square root add 9 divide by ?>-5 of 7-8 add 119 divide by 77^ times 44| srjnare the quo- tient and multiply by 17i^ add 77 and divide by 33 how ma " ** But before we eoiiM v,tv fl.o l-j;;!- Tvdlabln the bov fairly screamed, "1271 ! Ask me a hard one ?" We had seen enough, and with feelings amounting almost to awe we left this wonder- ful boy. We talked about his marvellous powers all the way down. Finally it hap- pened to occur to one of the Inspectors to ask the other Inspector, " Did you follow my example through to notice whether the boy answered it correctly ornot?" mUThe tone of amazement err.idnally passed away from the Inspector's face, as he faintly gasped, " N-n-no, not exactly, did you ?" Then the first Inspector ceased to look mystified and began to look very much like Mr. Skinner did when he got the Nebraska fruit, and they both turned to the gentleman who represented the literary department of the expedition, and said lugubriously, " Did you?" But he only said : "The Burlington & North-western narrow- gauge railroad Avill be owned, not by eastern capitalists, but by the people through whose country it passes." Misapplied 'icienoe. It was only a few yea»s ago tho New York Journal of lr\formation published the state- ment that a man in New Hampshire, who had been unable to speak for five years, went to sleep, one night, with a quid of tobacco in his mouth, and awoke the next moraine with his voice perfectly strong and smooth •pd ateady. Old Mr. Jarvis, who lives out •1^ Vinjii St^^t is sorely afflicted with an iil^ j;^m»nt ,in, his sp^ech^ and often s»ys he would give a hundred only "t - 1 - t - 1 -taw - fast enough t-t - t - to t dollars if he could taw -talk f-f.f. t - tell a gug - gug. gag - grocer what he w - w - wants bub-bub- bub-before he gug-gug-gets it measured out." He takes the Journal, and had taken it for twenty-three years, and he fiijnly believed every thing he ever read in it ; Sylvaniis Cobb's stories, Mr. Parton's Lives of Kiriinent Americans, the answers to coirespondcnts — Mr Jarvi'.' l)n,d iaken tb.Ti nil •■•\ rw<\ b •'h'"' ed every wont. He thought tliat probably this quid-of-tobacco treatment might help his voice a little, and he resolved to give it a good trial any how. The first tcouhle was that he didn't chew, and Mrs. Jarvis would never allow a bit of tobacco about the house. But he begged a big "chaw" of uavy, and when he >vent to bed he tucked ,it snugly away in his cheek, and prepared to sleep in hope. He had his misgivings, and they grew in number an<l strength as the (juid be- gan to assert itself, and be soi.'iable. and as- if he fastened the front Jarvis asked him i;ate. " l/m, ' said Mr. .Jarvis, meaning that he had. " And are 5'ou sure you locked the front door?" queried hia restless spouse. "Urn, "replied Mi-. Jarvis, meaning that he had not, for he was by this time in no coudi- tion to open his mouth. "Hey?" she replied. .„;>... "Um," persisted Mr. Jarvis. "What?" she demanded. "Um-m-m !" protested Mr. Jarvis. "Well," said she. "you can't make me believe you are that near asleep this soon. " "Um-m-m I'" said Mr. Jarvis: meaning that he would get up and bounce her out of that front door if she didn't hold her clach. Presently she sat up in bed. .Sniff, sniff ! "John Jarvis," she exclaimed, "if 1 don't smell tobacco in this house, I'm a sinful woman. Don't you sinell it ?" "'M," replied Mr. Jarvis ; which V)y inter- pretation is, that he didn't smell anything and was going to sleep, "It's in this very room,"' she persisted, excitedly. "Um," said Mr. Jarvis. meaning that she must be crazy. " It's under the bed !" she screamed. "There's a burglar under the bed I Oh, help ! fire I police ! John Jarvis I ! !" And she smote Mr. Jarvia a furious pelt in the stomach to waken him up. It was a terrific thump, and its first effect was to knock aU the atmosphere out of Mr. jarvis's lungs so far thai he. could. only re- I .!t fS WIDE AWAKE. I 1 li cover his breath by a violent gaap, which first carried the (jiiid of tobacco and all the nicotine prejtaration that it iiad been steadily distilliiiL' down hin tlimat, and was immeili- ateiy t-iici'ecdt^d by a ireniendons cou'/h, as hf stru„'^doil to rise up in Ixid, whiau sliot the iiuii sfjtiart'ly into ti»e eye of the shriek- ing Mi.s. .Iarvif». '•Mmdfr! murder !' sue srreamed, "I'm stabbed I I'm stabbed I ' And ■ioiiii Jarvis ctioUed and coughed an<l sfiit ;i:iii coughed, and ciioked and clntclicd , Mrn. ^larvis by the throat and trit;<l to clioke off her noij<e, but lie grew so "ill" th;it he couldn't hold his grip, and Mrs. Jar vis, thf moment her throat was ride:ised froii liis trembling pressure, rose from the half strangled gur^lcfs to the .■sublimity of double-edged screams, and made itmno howl with melody. And the neighbours broke into the housie and found a bed-ioiiui that looked and srnelled like a jiiryioi'in or a Ktieet car, witli the sickest man iii(_\' ever law lying with liis he^'d over the sitie of the bi^d, uroauing at the rate of a mile a minute, and the worst frightened i woman siney the Hood sitting up beside him, \ scieanung fa-ster than he groaned, while one I of her ryes was j hidtereil up with a black quid (if tobacco. And that is the way Mr. Jar\is ca'no to sto() his Journal. He denounce as the most iidaniuus, mendaci- ous, pestilent siieet that ever disgraced American ionrnalism. V Wide Awake, ay Mr. Bellamy, oi I'ond -street, read paper the following para One in a graph Many very good people are annoyed by sleepiiicNS in church. Tiie following remedy is recomineitcied ; Lift the foot seven inches from the Hoor, and hold it in suspense with- out wu[>port for the lind), and repeat the remedy if the attack returns. Ko'\, Mr. Bellamy is a very pood man, and he is suV)ject to that very annojance, which in his case amounts to a positive athietioH. iSo he cut that paragraph out, in accoriLuice with the appjiided instruction, and pa.Hted it in his hat, and was rejoiced in his inmost soul to think that he had found a relief tnmi Ids annoyance. He hoped that Deacon Ashbury, who had frowned at him 80 often and so dreadfully for nodding, hadn't seen the paragiaph, for the deaeon aometimes slept under the preached word, and Mr. Bellamy wanted to get even with him. And Mr. Driscoli, who used to sit in the choir, and cover his own sleepiness and divert attention from his own heavy eyes by laughing in a most irreverent and inde- ooroos nuMUMT at Mr. Beltomy'a Attisif visage and struggling eyes and head — how the good man did want to get it on Driscoli. So he ctiuckled and hugged his treasure, so to speak, in his mind. He was .so coniident that he had found the panacea for hi?- trouble that he went to the minister aii<l told him what a l>urden liiS' drowsiness had been to Ithat not him, but that he hail made up his mind now l^as stam to shake it ort", and he was cert.iin that ha extinguis had sufficient strength of mind and force of the pew, will to overcome the habit. And the ifdnister wa.s so pleased, and i;oinniended Mr. Bellamy so warmly, and said so earnest- ly th.'it he wislied he had one huiidrc.l such men in his congregation, that .\ir. Bellamy was so elated and iiappy and coulliicnt that he could liardly wait for Sunday to come t© try his new method of averting drowsiness. Sunday came, however, and soon enough too, for it was Saturday afrernnon ])l".imb, heard all chick, chock full of men with bills, over- "You'\ due notes, trifling accounts, little balances, Bellamy, pay-roll, rent, iiairuw-gange subscription, ])olitical assessments and one liiiie tlung and another, almost before Mr. B. Uamy knew it, althouuh it hadn't been there haft an hour befoie he had some suspicion of it, and was soon very confident of it. Sunday morning f(.und the good man in his ac- customed place, devout and drowsy i.s ever. The churcli was very comfortably Idled with an attentive congregation, and Mr. Bellamy was soon cornered up in one end of tha pew, and the strange young lady who sat next hiin wa.-. attended by a v>iy small v.liite, dog, that looked like a roll oi cottoB batting, with red eyes and a black nose. The opening exercises passed olV without incident, but the minister hadn't got t« secondly Mdien Mr. Bellamy smideidy rousoJ himself with a start from a doze into which he was dropping. His heart fairlj- stood still as he thought how nearly he Lad for- gotten his recipe. He feared to attract any attention to himself, lest his precious method should be discovered, and slowly lifted hiv left foot from the foot stoul and held it abont seven inches in the air. As he laised hia foot the strange young lady shrunk away from him in evident alarm This annoyed Mr. Bellamy and disconcerted him M that he vaa on the point of hiwer- ing his foot and whispering an ej> planation when the dog, M'hich had been quietly sleeping by the footstool opened its eyes, and seeing the uplifted foot slowly descending in its direction, hastily scrambled to its feet and backed away, barking and yelping terrifically. The young lady, now thoroughly alarmed, jerked her feet from off the footstool, which immediately flew ap nnder the weight of Mr. fiellamy'a other foinL and the dog, excitedly by thu additioaat catastrop sions. D racket, cs the aisle, Bellamy, much hot as he did she had b crazy, sought Bellamy to the motioned minister \ cease, sai Mr. B( covered m garments was great into the with mci nto his ir aughter. After SI through t for the ei }astor, an lis urfort ivhose ser iffair, wa ;oldly : "JSeve pologize lut if yoi ou are a lave you preach. Mr. Be )aper, an Hawkeye he wret mares in or the fe lappy. Th We al ove chil nrrong v lympath nnocent heir me lot reacl )ure the lour, cr irorld fi I heail — hoir ; (111 Driscoll. treafsiire, Be so coaiident jr liih trouble Hid told him liii ' lieen to lis uiiiid now rt.iin that he and force of And the coinuiende<l d so eiii'iiest- uiidre.l such Mr. Ht'llamj )iiiiiiciit that y to come to ; diuwsinesa. soon enough noDM ])lnmb, lidls, over- ble hulances^ snbsciijjtion, liiile thing li. LUamy 3ii there hafi spicion of it, it. Sundaj I io his ao- wsy iis ever. Y Idled with Mr. lltllamy eud of the idy who sat VviV small ill or cotto« 1)1mc'U nose. nil' without in't got t« t! ly rousod i iiito which airlj- stood ho l.ad foF- attract anj ious method y lifted hit eld it abont raided his ruiik awaj lis annoy eel 1 him B* of lower- g an ex- 1 had been ojiened its oot slowly f scrambled irking and lady, noir etfrom off y flew o^ other fook sdditioaal THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OP CHTDDHOOD. catastrophe, fairly barked itself into convul- sions. Deacon Ashbury, awakened by the racket, came tiptoeing and frowning down (he aisle, bending his shaggy brows upon Mr. Bellamy, who actually believed that if he got much hotter he would break out in dames, that not even the beaded perspiration that was standing out on his scarlet face, could extinguish. The young lady rose to leave the pew, Mr. Bellamy rose to explain, and as he did so, she was quite convinced of what she had before been suspicious — that he was crazy. She backod out of the pew and sought De:vcon Ashhury's protection. Mr. Bellamy attempted to whisper au explanation to the deacon, but that austere omcial motioned him back into his seat, and as the minister paused until the interruption should cease, said in a severe undertone that was heard all over the church. "You've been dreaming again, Brother Bellamy." Mr. Bellamy sank into his seat, ([uite covered with confusion as with a couple of garments md a Ivxl, <jnilt, and his distress was yreatly aggravated when he looked up into the choir and saw Driscoll, convulsed with merriment, stufiing his handkerchief into his moutli, and shaking with suppressed laughter. After service Mr. Bellamy, who was all throu^i^h the service, the centre of attraction for the entire congregation, waited for his lastor, and made one more effort to explain mis unfortunate escapade. But tlie minister, ■vhose sermon had been quite spoiled by the Iffair, waved him to silence and said, (piite •oldly : "isevor mind. Brother Bellamy; don't ipologize ; you meant very well. I dare say, )ut if you make so much disturbance when ^ou are aware, I believe 1 would prefer to »ave you sleep quietly through every sermon preach." Mr. Bellamy has since stopped his church laper, and transferred his subscription to the Hawkeye, saying that if he could just hud ;he wretch who set stumbling blocks and mares in the columns of the religious press or the feet of weak believers, he could die lappy. The Artless Prattle of Cbildbood. We always did pity a man who does not ove children. There is something morally nrrong with such a man. If his tenderest ympathies are not awakened by their nnocent prattle, if his heart does not echo ;heir merry laughter, if his whole nature does lot reach out iu ardent loo^gs after their )ure thoughts and unseliiah unpulses, he is a lour, crusty, crabbe<l old stick, and the nrorld full of children has no nse for him. In every age and clime, the best and noblest men loved children. Even wicked men have a tender spot left iu their hardened hearts for little children. The great men of the earth love them. Dogs love them. Kamehamekemokiinodahroah, the King of the Cannibal islands, loves them. Rare, and no gravy. Ah yes, we all love children. And what a pleasure it is to talk with them. Who can chatter with a bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked, quick-witted little durlinjj, anywhere from three to five years, and not ai)preciate the pride which swells a mother's breast, when she sees her little ones admired. Ah, yes, to be sure. One day, ah can we ever cease to remem- ber that dreamy, idle, summer afternoon — a lady friend who was down iu the city on a shopping excursion, came into the sanctum with her little son, a dear little tid-toddler of live bright summers, and be^'ged iia to amuse him while she pursued tiie duties wliich called her down town. Smdi a liriyht boy ; so delightful ii was to tail; to him. We can never forget t'e blissful half hour we spent booking that prodigy up in his centen- nial history. "Now listen. Clary," we "^aiil — his name is Clarence Fitzherbert Aleneon do M;irche- mont Caruthers — " and learn about (Icoi-ge Washington." *' Who's he?" inquired Chirencc, etc. "Listen," we said, " he was the father of his country." ^_ ' ' Whose country ?" " Ours ; yours and mine ; the uonfcilerated union of the American people, cemented with the life blood of the men oi '70, poured out upon the altars of our country as the dearest libation to liberty that her vctaries can offer. '• Who did ?" asked Clarence. There is a peculiar tact in talkins; to chil- dren that very few people possess. Now most people would have grown impatient aiitl lost their temper when little Clarence asked so many irrelevant questions, but we did not. We knew that, however careless he might appear at first, we could soon interest him in the story and he would be all eyes and ears. So we smiled sweetly — that same sweet smile which you may have noticed on our photographs, just the f.iintest ripple of a smile breaking across tiie face like a ray of sunlight, and checked by lines ot tender sadness, just before the two ends of it pass each other at the back of the neck. And so, smiling, we went on, "Well, one day, Ueorge's father " " George who ?" asked Clarence. " George Washington. He was a little 84 THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OF CHILDHOOD. boy then, father just like you. One day his "Whose father?" demanded Clarence, with an encouraging expression of interest. " Oieorgc Washington'^, this great man we were telling you of. One day George Wash- ington's father gave him a little hatchet for a ■' "Gave who a little hatchet?" the dear child interrupted with a gleam of bewitching intelligence. Most men would have be- trayed signs of impatience, but we didn't. We know Imw to talk to children. So we wpr.t (,\i ■ •'(ieor,e \'\'!.i5iiiiiirton. His " Who i^avc him tho iittlo hatchet?" " His father. And his father " " Whose father ?" " Georce Washington's. " "Oh !" "Ye°, fieoige Washington. And his father told Ijiiii " "Told who?" "Told George?" "Oh, yes, George," And v:ii wont on, just as patient and as ploo^o'i*^ v'-s yon f>orV.l inmc;?!:", Wu t"ok iir> the story w);erc the hoy interrupted, tor avc , could see. That he was just crazy to hear the j ouil (if it. We jsaiil ; " And he told him that " "Who told "him what?" Clarence broke in. " Why, George's father told George." "What did lie tell him ?" "Why, that's just what I am going to tell you. He told him " "Who told him?" " George's father. He " "What for?' "Why, so he wouldn't do what he told him not to do. He told him " " George told him ?" queried Clarence. "No, his father told George " "Oh!" " Yes ; told him that he must be careful with the hatchet " " Who must be careful ?" ' ' George must. " ' "Oh?" "Yes; must be careful with the hatchet "George did." "Oh I" " but his father came home and saw it the first thing, and " "Saw the hatchet?" "No; saw the apple tree. And he said, ' Who has cut down my favourite apple tree?'" " What apple tree?" " George's father's. And everybody said they din't know anything about it, and " " Any thing about what ?" "The apple tree." "Oh !" ■ ai)ii v^eoiLji' c.iiiic U[j Mm L^iviu them talking about it " " Heard who talking about it ?" " Heard his father and the men. '" " What was they talking about ?" " About this apple tree ?" "What apple tree?" " The favourite apple tree that George cut down." "George who?" , ' "George Washington." " Oh !" " So Gcorgo rr.ini'up ii'J ing a()<)nt it, ami li' " What did he cut it down for?" heard them tallv- ILIJ Lis little hatchet. " What hatchet ?" . '' "Why, George's." " Oh !" " Yes ; with the hatchet, and not cut him- self with it, or ilrop it in the cistern, or leave it out in the grass all night. So G«orge went round cutting every thing he could reach with his hatchet. And at last he came to a splendid apple tree, his father's favorite, and cut it down, and " " Who cut it down f "Wliose little iiatchet." " Why, his own, the one his father gave him." "Gave who?" "Whv, George ^Vashington. " "Who gave it to him?'' "His father did." "Oh!" "So George came up and he said, ' Father, I can not tell a lie, I ' " " Who couldn't tell a lie ?" "Why, Geoi e Washington. He said, ' Father, I can not tell a lie. It was " "His father couldn't?" " Why no, George couldn't." " Oh, George ? oh, yes. ' " It was I cut down your apple tree; I did " " His father did ?" " No, no; it was George said this." " vSaid he cut his father ?" "No, no, no; said he cut down his apple tree." " George's apple tree ?" "No, no; his father's." "Oh!" " He Baid " " His father said ?" " No, no, no; George said, ' Father, I can not tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet.' And his father said, ' Noble boy, I would nther lose a thousand trees than hare you teU»U«." 3 and saw it ml he said, irite apple ryhody said t, and " ln^aiil tlient George cut L th'-'m talk- ?" father gaTe id, ' Father, He said, was " apple tree; lis." rn his apple LIFE IN THE "HAWKEYE" SAXCTUM. 35 ather, I can ble hatchet.' ty, I would I hare you "OeorgedidV" " No, his fath»a' said that." " Said he'd rather have a thouaand apple trees?' " No, no, no; said he'd rather lose a thou- sand apple trees than — — " " Said lie'd rather (ieorge would ?" "No, said he'd rather lie would than have him lie." " Oh ! George would rather have his father lie ? ' We are patient, and we luvu cluldreu, but It Mi'i ( "lu-'it-lK'i-i. :♦ A.vii-'iitv'."''" h'"in'i juncture, wt; don't believe all IJurtington could have pulled us out of ihat snarl. And as Clarence Fitzherbert Alencon do Marche- inont Caruthers patterftd down the stairs, we heard liim telling' his nia about a boy who had a father named Goorge, and he told him to cut down an apple trt-e, and he said he'd rather tell a thousand lies than cut down one apple tree. Sprine- Days in Burlington. j)(Mv:i vvli(;r(( till' w .J:(!-:"(i'iin siiiin!_'s Iroin iis I slumbers, I Openin!< its (;arcliirii cyo to the sun ; | ijome tijo (lull eclitn'ri ijt' lar ,i w.iv tluiiid'T.s I Heavy anil last, aj tht; shots of a :-;'uu. Upon llio hill where the wild (iowora nestle. liike new fallen stars on the green mossy strand ; There come the dead notes of the house-clean- in{< pestle— The sound of the earjiet is heard in the land. Up ! for the 8ont< birds thcii' matins are singing; Up, for the mornint; is tintintj the skies; Up, for the good wife the clothes-prop is bring- ing Out to the line where tue hall carpet flies. Up, and away ! for the carpet is dusty ! Fly, for the house-cli-aning days have begun! Run! for the womanly tenipei' is crusty; Up and be doing, lest ye be undone! Late, late; too late. .Just one moment of snor- ing. He wakes to the soui.d of the lumult below. O'er the beating of carpels he hears a voice roar- ing, "Breakfait was over three hours ago!' See. he is plunged in the front of the battle; Where dust is the thickest they tell him to stand; Where suds, mops and scrub-brushes spatter and rattle, And the sound of the carpet is heard in the land. Life in the "Hawkeye " Sanctum. The Hawkeye has just got into its new ed> itorial rooms, and it is proud to say it has the finest, most comfortable, complete and con- renient editorial rooms in America. They are finished off with a little invention which will be of untold value to the profession of joumaliim when it is generally adopted ; and we know that it will rapidly come into >q»* versal use as soon as its merits are under- stood and appreciated. A'e believe it is fully equal, in all tliat the term implies, to the famous Bogardess Kicker, less liable to get out of order, and less easily detected by casual visitors. It is known as '* Middlerib's Automatic Welcome." The sanctum is on the sam6 tloor as the news-room, being sei*- arated from it by a partition, in whieli is cut a large window, easily opened by an auto- matic arrangement. The editorial ch^ir is placed in front of that window, and near tlie 'i":id ot flin sjf'rs ; ni><1 nn fl)p side (>1 ' flic ■ • - 1 ■ ' '■ ■ .-t editor, the visitor s ahair is placed. It has an inviting look about it, ami its entire apprar- ance is guileless and commonplace. But the strip of floor on which that chair rests is a deception and a fraud. It is an endless chain like the floor of a horsepower, and is operat- ed at will by the editor, who has merely to touch a spring in the floor to set it in mo- tion. Its operation can best be understood by personal inspection. One morning, soon after the "Middlcrib "•-!-.;•;;(;'• iLuU-cii ;!■•,. :l v.. i...JtiL:i, '1.. ijosivviciv came in wiin a lunny storj i.o tjil. He naturally Hopped uown into tlie elixir that \r\'\ ♦"be tnost npp'^TTT' "' lic^i'.-i^ii i^' t,, some one else, antl bt^gan in his u.^nai liaiipy vein : — " I've got the richest thing — oh ! ah, ha, ha ! — the best thing — oh ! by George I I c&n'jt — oh, ha, ha, ha ! Oh ! its too fjuud i Oh, by George, the richest thing ! Oli ! it's too loud ! You must never tell where you got — oh, by George, I can't do it ! It's too good 1 You know — oh, ha, ha, ha, oh, he, he, he ! You know the — oh, by George, I ca— " Here the editor touched the spring, a nail- grab under the chair reached swiftly up and caught Mr. Bostwick by the cushion of his Eants, the window flew up and the noiseless elt of floor gliding on its course bore the as- tonished Mr. Bostwick through the window out into the news-room, half-way down to the cases, where he was received with great applanse by the delighted compositors. The window had slammed down as soon as he he passed through ; and when the editorial foot was withdrawn from the spring and the chair stopped and the nail-grab assumed its accustomea place, young Mr. Bostwick found himself so kmd of out of the sanctum, like it might be, that he went slowly and dejectedly down stairs, as it were, while amazement sat upon his brow, like. The next casual visitor was Mr. J. Alexis Flaxeter, the critic. He had a copy of the Hawkeye in his hand, with all the typograph- ical errors marked in red ink, and his face was BO wreathed in smiles that it was im- poMible to tell where his mouth ended and nil ejw b^;ML He took the vacant chair t THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. and spread the paper out before him, cover- ing up the editorial manuscript. " My keen rision and delicate sense of accuracy," hj said, "are the greatest crosses of my life. Things that you never see are mountains in my sight. Now here, you see, is a ". The spring clicked softly, like an echo t(» the impatient movement of the editor's foot, the nail-grab took hold like a bulldog helping a Burlington troubadour over the garden fence, the chair shot back through the window like a meteor, and the window came down with a slam that sounded like a wooden {^iant 'jetting oiY the shortest bit profanity known to man ; and .all was silent ai|ain. Mr. Flaxeter sat very close to vhe frosted window, staring blankly at the clouded glass, seeing nothing that could offer any explanation of what he would have tirnily believed wa's a land slide, had he not heard the editor, safe in his guarded den, softly whistling, " We shall meet but we shall miss him." Then there was a })rief interval of quiet in the sanctum, and a rustling of I'ainicnt was heard on the i^tairs. A lovely woman en- tered, and stood unawed in the cilitorial pre- sence. The li P., on his part, was rather nervous and uncomfortable. The lovely woman seated herself in the fatal cliair. She slapped her little gripsack on the table, and opened her little subscri))tion book. She said : " I am soliciting cash contributions — strictly, exclusively, and peremptfirily cash contributions — to pay off the church debt, and buy an organ ?or the Mission Church ot the Forlorn Strangers, and I expect ." There are times when occasion demands great effort. The editor bowed his head, and, after one Virief spasm of remorse, felt for the secret spring. The window went up like a charm : the reckless nail-grab hung back for a second, as if held by a feeling of innate delicacy, and then it shut its eyes and smothered its pity, and rcacheii up and took a death-like hold on a roll of able and influ- ential newspapers, and a network of string uid tape, and the cavalcade backed out into tlie news-room with colours flying. The ohair 8to)>^(ed just before the familiar spirit who was washing the forms ; and, as the lovely woman gazed at the inky face, she riirieked : "Merciftil heavens, where, where am I ?" and was borne down the gloomy stairway unconscious ; while the printers whose cases were nearest the wicked window keard the editor singing, as it might be to kimself, " Dearest sister, thou hast left us." An hour of serenity and tranquility in the editorial room was broken by a brisk, business-like step on the stairs ; the door Aew open with a bang that shot the key half- way across the room, and a sociable-looking, familiar kind of stranger jammed into the chair, slapped his hat over the ink-stand, pushed a pile of proof, twenty pages of copy, a box of pens, the paste-cup, and a pair of scissors off the table to make room for the old familiar flat sample case, and said, in one brief breath : "I am agent for Gamber- ton's Popular Centennial World's History and American Citizen's Treasure fiook of Valuable Information sold only by sulscrip- tion and issued in thirty parts eac number embellished with one handsome steel-plate engraving and numerous beauiifullj executed wood-cuts no similar work has ever been published in this country and at the exceed- inglv low price at which it i? offered S2 per vol^ — ." The spring clicked a like piytol-.shot. the window went up half-way through the ceil- ing, the nail-grab took hold like a three- barrelled harpoon, and the eoinmn moved on its backward way through the window, Woavu through the news-room past the foreman, I standing grim ami silent, by the ini]tosiug stone, past theca^es, vocal uitli the applause and encouraging ami consolatory reniarUs of tlie compositors, on to the jilley windows, over the sills — howling, yelling, shrieking, praying, the unha])])y agent was hurled to tlie cruel pavement, tlii'ee stories below, where he lit on his h(\id and plutigeii through into a cellar, whert; lie tried to get u. sub- scription out of a ni.vn who was shoveling coal. The Laneuago of Flowers. It was a Mt. PieasaTit nirl. No other hu- man divinity could play such a liturtless trick on an admiring, nay, an adoring and adorable young man. tie alw.iys praised the flowers she wore, and talked so learnedly about flowers in general, that this incredu- lous youuL; angel "put up a job "on him — if one mtiy be so sacrilegious as to write slang in connection with so much beauty and grace. She filled the bay window with freshly pot- ted weeds which siie had i.'.boriously uather- ed from the sidewalk and in tiio hollow under the bridge, and when he came round that evening she led the conversation to flowers, an.i her admirer to the bay window, "Such lovely nlants she had," she told him, and he just clasped his hands and looked around him in silly ecstasy, trying to think of their names. "This is Patagonia i rjiueiitii's, Mr. Bogun- dus," she said, pointing to the miserable cheat of a young rag-weed ; " did you ever see any thing so delicate ?" "Oh I" he ejaculated, regarding it rever- entially .; "beautiful, beautiful; what deli- cately serrated leaves !" ''And," she went on, witli a face as angelic led into th« e ink-stand, igea of copy, id a pair of room tor the tnd said, in for Gamber- il'a History le Book of by sul'Hcrip- lac number -■ steel-{)late Ilj executed 5 evL-r been the exceed- 'ercil !b2 per ol-sliot. the ^'h the coil- ke a tliree- II moved on idow, ilowu 10 foMinan, If iiiiposiug he apphiHse remarlis of y wiii<U)\V!(, shrieking, I'as hurled iries liclow, SCii til rough ) get a sub- s Bliovoluig s. ) other hu- ll lieai'tlesa :.1ori)ig and praised the o learnedly LIS incredu- pi\ hini — if write slang and grace, reshly pot- slj' gather- illow under •ounil that to iiowers, ' window. told him, ind looked ig to think Ir. Bogun- miserable I you ever g it rever- what deli- I M angelic WOODLAND MUSIC AND POETRY. 37 M thongn she was only say ins " Now I lay me down to sleep," "it breaks oat in Mie summer in such curious green blossoms, clinging to long, slender stems. Only think of that — green blossoms." And she gazed pensively on the young man as though she saw something green that probably never would blossom. "Wonderful, wonderful indeed," he said, " one can never tire of botany. It continu- ally opens to us uew worlds of wonders with every awakening flower and unfolded leaf." "And here," she said, indicating with her snowy tinger a villainous sprout of that little bur the boys call " beggar's lice," this Men- dicantiK parasitatis, what " "Oh !" he exclaimed, rapturously, "where did you get it ? Why, do you know how rare it is ? I have not seen one in Burlington since Mrs. O'Gheminie went to Chicago. She had such beautiful specimens of them ; such » charming variety. She used to wear them in her hair so often." "No doubt," the angel said dryly ; and the young man thought he had done wrong in praising Mrs. O'Gheminie's plants so high- ly. But the dear one went on, and pointing to a young jimson weed, said : "This is my ^et,thia Jimaonata Jilio/ensis." The young man gasped with the pleasure of a true lover of flowers, as he bent over it in admiration and inhaled its nauseous odor. Then he rose up and said : " This plant has some medicinal proper- ties." " Ah !" she said. "Yes," he replied, stiffly, "it has. 1 have smelt that plant in my boyhood days. Wilted on the kitchen stove, then bruised and applie{l to the eruption, the leaves are excellent remedial agents for the poison of the ivy. " He strode past the smiling com- pany that gathered in the parlor, and said sternly, "We meet no more!" and, seizing her father's best hat from the rack, he ex- tinguished himself in it, and went banging along the line of tree-boxes which lined his darkened way. Spring Time in America. Dear, faded flowers, the^ bloom again, Like echoes of the spring time gojie : And moasy hillside, shadowy glen. Break out in beauty like the dawn. In regal beauty, leaf and bud Bend 'neath the kisses of the breeze. And "Spanish Mixture for the Blood' Smilee from the fences, rooks and trees. Dear, smiling Spring, what tender hope Breathes from the life-awakeningsou: How 'Bolus' Aiiti-bilious Dope," And "Dr, Gastrio's Castor Oil- Bid frightened nature wake and smile ; For spring time's hlosaoms fill oa lees With thoughts of paBsies than with Tile " PaaaeeM " for ^' Bilioaanesa." If to the wooded nook wo stra^. Where every swollinK germ is hujfe With life; each gray-browed rook will say, "Use Fhilogaflter'd Vermifuge"" If from those sylvan bowers we fly, We fly, alas, to other ills ; And farni-vard ^atcs and barn-doors cry. "Take Qinsengrooter's Liver Pills." Each blue-eyed violet hides a "Pill," There's scent of "llhubarb" in the air ; "Rheumatic Plasters" line each hill, And "Bitters" blossom every wh«re. With "Agrue Cures" the eyes are seared ; The air is thick, or thin, I meant. For nature's face and clothes are smeared With " Universal Liniment." Woodland Musio and Poetry. But Mr. Middlerib's greatest delight, escaping from his daily wrangle with phleg- matic Peorians, was to seek some cool, sequestered spot, where the air was vocal with the song of birds, tliere ♦^^ read, and ponder, and doze, and blenu with tiie i lelody of the woodland warblers wrathtui >' jurga- tions of the gnats, and flies, anci mosquitoes, and hard -backed bugs that noboa^ ' knew the names of. But his poetical nature rose above all these minor distractions, and he enjoyed iiis seclusion and its sylvan delights. One lovely morning he sat in a vine-embow- ered porch, with four cages of canaries hanging above his head, and the trees around fairly alive with the wild birds, and as he listened to the varied, melodious passages of the wild- wood orchestra, he grew enraptured, and in a moment of enthusiasm gave himself up to poetry for Mrs. M.'s benefit. H« opened the book in his hand, and in a lull of the music he began : " 1 cloud lay cradled near the set " " Tweetle, tweetle, twee twee tweedle dee tweet tweet !" broke in ear-piercing chorus from the four cages, "twee, twee, tweedle d« deedle, twee twee 1" "Whit a delightful interruption," said Mr. Middlerib, sweetly; and, with a tender smile wrinkling his placid face, like the upper crust of a green apple pie, he waited for th* music to cease, and resumed : " A cloud lay era " "Twee, twee, twee-eeee, tweedle, tweedl*, tweedle ! Tweet-te-deet-deet, tweet tweet I Tweedle-de- deedle, tweetle, tweetle tweet tweet !" "A poem without words," said Mr. Middlerib, softly, glancing from his book toward the cages wherein eight yellow throats were manufacturing music of the shrillest key that ever developed an ear- ache or woke up a deaf and dumb asylum. Presently he got another chance, and re- sumed once more : " A cloud lay cradled near the set <JTo-whoot! To whoot! Whootl»-t«. m BUYING A TIN CUP. toot-tv>()t I" oiinie from a bin! in the nearest Jiiokor}', i\ solomn-looking binl with a brown biii'k and a voice like a wooden whistle. Mr. MidiHorib paused and ijlanoed toward tlir tree, wliilo the benign smile whieh made, his faee look like a lumaged photograph of one of the early Christian martyrs, faded away like a summer twilight. He resumed : " A elouti ^ay era " "Too-toot too doodle toot- te-doot ! Whee- tie de deetle. tweet tweet tweotle tweet, twee twte wlioot de doot too too, ehip])ity- wippity. eheep-eheep-elieep, whoot, squaek 8(iuaok !" went otl' tlie whole chorus, cages and trees, sujiplementeil by a visiting party of eat-birds, all aroused into indignant and jealous protest by the obtrusive solo of the wooden whistle bird, who appeared to bo jui ubjeet of general iiislike. Mr. Middle- rib, tliinking lie would read down opposi- tion, went right on : ■■ — died near the setting sun, A "-{1 am of erini " '■ K-r-i r t-r-r !" A wooilpieker tapped liis merry rounde- lay on the roof of the poreh, and .Mrs. Middle- rii> sprang from her eliair with, "Merey on na I|\vhat IS tliat?" Mr. Middlerib made a cutting remark about people who had no appveeiation of the lieautiful in nature or art, and nMuarked : " A gleam of orimson tinged its ' " Twee-ee, twee, deedle-eedle-odle twiddle twoddle, twoot, too too tweedle oi»t ! Teedle idle eedle odle, twee twee, twee ! I'e weet, pe weet ! W'hootle ootle tootle too, scpiack sipiaeU I" Mr. Middlerib elevated his voice to about ninety dt reea in the shade and roared : " tinjied its braided snow, Long luul 1 wat — " "Caw, ea\^. eaw I Ca-a-a-aw !" eauie f.om tin. pensive erow, startled from its quiet n-ireat in the old dead eo* '.oiiwood, :>inl Miss Middlerih giggled. lUit Mr. M. inl't tte>! his lungs and i oared on : ' til. .;liir> mm \\\\; on, O' f till' ^.lill ra(liane«« — " " Tv.mile ,le twoolle, caw, caw, tweetle doodlfl^e.i :\veet! K-r-r-l r i -krk. kikl tweenee.ll' > <■{ tweet I teedle, idle, wlinot, : toot, (wool I nho ! stpiaidt, sipiaeU, k r-r-r j Mur I'p, >'e nasiy, .'•■Muauking, v.allipin' howliu' litMe heaMsI Slnu)! Ligiit onto' tills or I'll s'.ne \ efroni lii'i\' to Hiditax! Scat with yer noise! Olil'' exolaimed "m exaa- fiorated woisliipper of nature as hi luiiled his look into I he nearest tree and went oil' the poivh to link I'or some stoni'S, " If there ib aiij tiling in tMs world 1 hate nmrt^ than an- other, its a lot of nasty, llitteiiug, tidgety, yowping, howling birds! Ugh!" And he threw his shoulder nearly out of joint, and ojirained his .•irm. in jv In lenh-an but futile edbrt to lilt abhukliiid a mih' and a halt away, with a mek as l)ig as a straw liat. \\v has dropjied thesuliduir baths for the present and taken to arniea. Buyln«r a Tin Cup. The town Avas do/ing ill the drow<<y sun- light nf a dull .Vni'ii."'. al'terno«>ii, >\h«n a de- jeeteil lookiui: man, witii the appearance oi »>ne who was making desjierate efl'orts to ap- pear unctmeerntd. steppe. 1 into a j)rominent and fashionable dry-gocds estaldishnient up on deft'erson-stiet't. SeeiJiing the jirotlered 8to<d, he braeed liiinself linnly against the lanuder. and, looking the p.dite and attentive clerk lixetlly inthee\c. hndvethe impressive silence by abruptly di'iiiajxling: " tiimnie tiiilviipl " " We 'ii not l:eepthein, sir," smilingly re- plied the alliilili I !erk, and the glare of sus- picion vitli M liieh that man regarded him was sullieieiit to idiili the blood of a snake. " l>( nkee]) tinknp.- ''" he asked, tjuiekly and distrusttiilly. " No, .sir," replied tin- (derk. " wo have no tin-eups. This is a dry-goods .store, \o'i will tind the tin .^^tore farther up the street." "Few doidi''<"p uotinkups w alrhkeep l*' demanded ihe in;u>, im]ierii)iisly. " We have gren;idin(>s, ealieo.s, bareges, gros grain rihlmii.--, t;irletan, vel\its, moire, .•inti(|ne, empress rhitli, pongee and >lapanc8e silks Shut her otlT' ejaculated the man, " I'nt- tit up! I'uttit up!" Me turiH'd a\v;i3' with a dignilied gesture, and walked away with stately, thouj.h un- certain .strides, ami dived into the IMumlor store, where he startletl the i>roprit>tor by tlic s.uue ur.,< ut '!i';i::i^l f'lV the "'.iidvup, ' and hewas iiiiaU\ piloted into KaiitX' Kriech- banm's, where he bought his " tinkup," which lie fell down on hefove he got !■) the Harret House cDrncr, mashing it as Hnt as a pic OS I. 1 ' . .. -..^ 1.-1;.,' !.it i> 'i v\ ..;gO»l and, .i.i he iiioNi' ,i\\,t\, i.!,w Ui\sl tile eiti>' n.- saw ot him he w.aa holding the ilattcnod tin cup hiM'ore him, exelain.i: g nu iully : " Devlofa Itxtkin- I ;ikupthatis:" One of the Legion. A 1 i;i/.en (>!' <Miiti IJilJ, llifi viisa^^ ti.'iilied ni lears. His r.iinie .1 ■•■vk o i<i'd w ith run :tn\ . dn^l. Ills mit.d ili^li-iiiuihl Willi tears, W'/is It auiiiK n;) 'n,\ Ihe > hat lei ed m>,lc, .\\u\ lii-i Kid «>,M'.-* Ki'i.ed around \\ here ici kle s ruin heri' and tliere \\ ilh I'r 11 iiii'iii-i a\vi w I il ihe i.'roiiiid. Dill a lira) iniii sloo I )ie.>iile liim To heai' wluii heiiiit;lit say. As lie str<>te1ie(l Idiii out Ids uoud rl^ht arm And waited lor hi;« i'a.\. i!" And Ik' of joint, and n Imt t'utili' iiud a halt vivw 1 1 at. He 11- thf present (lrow«<y sun- wlu n a tU'- ipi^'ninnce of I'tl'orfs to ap- a prominent lisbnient up the pidtlbreil JVL'iiiiist the and attentive V iniprossivc ' smilingly ic- i',!;ii'c of SU8- rc!.' a 111 til liini of a snake, ivi'il, ([uickiy . " wo have |8 store. Yo'i i tile street." w.iti likeojt ?" V. eos, liareues, I vets, nioire, aihl .lapanoae Mian, Put litied gesture, iiioiij^h uu- the rUuulor proprietor by ;i' " tlTlkup. autX- Kriecii- is " tinkup," e got t') the t nx tiat aa a 'i! \\ /.'Mfoti 111.' eiti'-. I..- ilatlenoil tin iili.v: litis!" I .'lUi. (lll^t. ir^, •tl K'Ue, n<l lli.ve UTlMlllli, Ml Dvl I'l^tiit arm A TACTITURN WITNE88. Tb» weepinu: mover faltered As Uesaw llie itniymaushunvl. .\ml lie saiil. " I hiiveii'l a red, lod cent In al". of ttiis ln>mil fair laiitl. I liaven'i a (Mollies to my a 'hiiiK back Save only these ra^s you see : And all (he furniliire I havo left Won'l pay you half your fee. Theri>'s a Ux oi the table in tho street, .\nd the laiui> !,'lM')t^s sirew the sUiir, And the sii>vopi|io's llatteneduin like a lath, Andtheoloolv is not nowhere. " Toll my wife, if you can Had her. Thai when thojoh was »h)no, The fiirnilure wasn't half so Kood As ii was when we l)rKaii. That the end of n bureau ahe';4 looking for la tiowii by the alley Kate, And the jMirlonr mirror is bent doliad She ni'vec ran pound it slfaijjht. We broke tlu< le^s ()f the kitchen atore. And we smashed the I'aritiu vtute, And the dray ran ; ver her rockinif chair And ruined its stati>ly graco. '"Tell my sislpr, herdarliiix now Hpring hat NN'as packed in a b);m of corn; An-i I nevtT aKain can U)()k in her f»ee And lUt'Ot her ulaiiee of soorn. We spilled coa! oil on her Huminnr silk, Aiul we tor»> h«r cashmere saeiiuo, For h;'r dri'ssiiig bureau fell oirtne dray And the horse kicked out its bat k. "Tht>re's another, not a sister, In kavniier tiays tyoiie by, You'tl know her by the navaRC light That gliltcrtMt in Inr eve. Too business-like for foou>ry. Tt)i) sharp for my <>xcuscs - Ah me, I tear atlvtM'sity lias naiiLcltl but bitter usea; T«>ll ln>r, riit> last time vt<u saw mo l<'t)r eri> thi' clock striK(>s ten, I'll bo at work on tlio "rhii 1 Degroe,' The hip lieat of nit>n ; Tiill her 1 saltl that ahe could go To the bow wow-wow-wow-wows; That I'd aiay iltjwji town when lodge was tiut. And sleep at a boarding-houac Tell her she need not sit up for m«. And she n imIu'i leave no light— " \ Mil >i \ e ei- e>rii'- (Mil of ll^- hall a ml '■;•.!,', " \ on tloii'l n\i III lui lsiiii;i) tii-nighl. ' His voice was gone in a minute. He f<a-petl and trit<d tospeak ; lie tried lo swear, bill the drayman aaya That he coiiliiirt r.iiso .i.stiueuk. -S'lil his mi»il<!>'-i!i I'lw ri>iie .-ilow '." , Ami calmly s le looked ilown i)n lht< txreiMi grasit of the litlerctl yartl. With liouscnold treasuri's slrt>w'n. Vei4, ealnih <>n thai drtMitlfiil scen« Sli(> ga/.ed, and looko'l arounil. And she said to the weeping man by the gale, " I'lck th <m thliurs up oil" the ground," A Taclt\irn Wltneas. "Now, then, Mr. O'Sliuui-hut^ssy," aaid the court, "tell what you know about this matter in as few ^vonls as you po^isibly can." " Faix, thin, your anncr, an' 1 will do tluit same," roplietl the witness witli great volu- bility. " Av there is ony lliiiig 1 »l<i lie tle- spisin' it's wan of tliim same w luirrimurroo gabblers that niver know whin tiiey'ro through. When ye git troo luiiiipiu, aez I, lave the handle : that's mc An ye niver see an O'Shaughnesay in the wor-rl-il, yer anner, tliat wur a cxckler. I miiul me mither's own uncle that ever was, 'rim the croaker, they used to be callin' liim, though his name was Timothy Mahom t>'l)onl)le- rigglo Ballbrigganainey, for be the token ho niver wur known to say more than wan wor- rud at a time, yer unnur. an' that wan he I said with a grunt. Tliere was wan dav, whin he wur gamekeeper for my lortl Donaid McAlpiu Clanargotty I'allum O'Dowd, s Scotch geutleman that owned a bitav aslioot* in' box might be, in tlio north nv "Well, there, there there," intcrrujiteii the court, "that's enoiigli about your ances- try ; now tell what you know about tliis case of yours, ami stick to tiie point." "The p'int, is it, aviek '" replied the witncsa; "Muaha, thin, it wur fwhat, I wur eomin' to jiat. It'a wliat I sez to Mrs. ()'ShaiiL;liiicsay twinty times a day, an' slie's tiie wur r-rst talker between here an' l>ublin bay. ' No- rah,' scz I ; 'la it you,' sez she : 'Knix tiiin, an' who else wml it be'.'' sez I ; ' An" pwhat uv it?' aez ahe ; Div ye mind me now ?' scz I ; 'Sorra the wan uv me tlocs,' sez she ; 'Wait thin, till 1 tell ye," sez I; 'Whisht, thin, go on with your blarney, sez alio ; 'Howlilyour hush a miiiit, tliiii,' sez I ; "an' let's have a secotul uv (|uict ;' 'What !' ao/. she, 'will ye in the house '!' "l.islhen,' sez I; ■Whisper, t'l'ii.af' sue; ' »Vf.l|^ tlo.n " >"•/. I, 'kapo to the pint. Av yez will tlo iiothiii' but talk from the peep o' nmr-rrn till the lasht wink av nig'at, kape till the p'iiit." .\h, yer aimer, it'a the wan fur talkjii , she ia, iH Norah, It i.su't an ()'.Sli,vu:ucsa\ ahe la, yer anner, her fadicv, c, ; , iii • ..>.i. was ould F>arby Muldoon, tiie solid iiKiii, an' he wur siut to Anatiiialia for twenty -siviii 1 years' panai sarvitude fur talkiii' a tiiiaveller 'to ileath when he wur tlhrivin' him from--" I '"That will do," saitl the enuit sternly ; "we've hoard enougii of yom i etuiniHeenecs, , Nt»w you tell what you know uf this case, I'll line you ftir tuuileiupt. Vou have I or '\ii ordinary ease of iivsauit. aiitl battery Tiled informatum again-*' Mollis Meilogadan was the ealied in .Imlge Stutsman's court, and proseeutiiie witTiess was tlnly sworn : Pheliin ()'.''^llallgllm•ssy, a little weazen-faced man, witii a stiiiibly iieard all over his jaws and a pair of briglit eyes Hanking the snub- bieat of noses. for assaulting you witli a paviiu' iiammer, in the hack yard of Vmir ow ii preiuisea ia Melrose Place, Hapjiy llollou. un.l knocking throe teeth down your throat, breaking oiio of your ribs, and chew iiii; your ear .'IT. Mow what have you got to .say alumt it ? " 40 CORNERING THE BOYS. " "Is it tne, avick ?" "Yes, you are the prosecutine witness; that is your own case, and you nled the in- formation on which the warrant was issued. " " An' it says that Morris McHogadan bate me?" " It does, and it is sworn to." "Oh, the divil an' all ; who shwore to thatf "You did." "Phwat?" " You swore to all that." " Oh, tower uv ivory ! That Morris Mc- Hogadan bate me?" "Yes." " Wid a pavin' hammer ? " " Yes, so you declared." "Oh-h-h, thundher an' turf ! An* bate me teeth down the troat av me ? " "So you averred." " Oh, the bloody-minded villin ; an' broke me rib ? " ' ' That's what you said. " " Oh-h-h, bones «f the martyni ; and chaw- ed off the ear o' me ? " "So you told us." "Oh, to the divil wid the informashin that says sich a pack o' lies. Morris McHogadan bate me ! Och, Moses an' Aarin, its tearin' ravin' disthracte^ mad I am I Why, yer anner, it's a bloody-minded lie. He can't fip one side o' mo ; why, the pig-eye 1 thafe ov the wor-rold, I clawed all the red hair out ov the ugly head of him and trowed him down the bank or the creek, and welted him like an ould shoe wid a splinter ov timber I flfrabbed out ov the creek. He bate me ? He can't bate nobody. I didn't leave a whole bone in his ugly carkiss, an' av he dares to •ay I did, yer anner, I'll ate off his other ear ftn' pound the flu -e wid him. Oh, the divil fly away wid sich iufermashin. It's the beg- gar's own lie, an' " Here witness was cUv short by the court fining him flOOOand costs for assault and battery, and Phelim, astonished into a ter- rific flow of volubility for such a taciturn man, went away with a policeman, arguing that it wasn't possible that he conld be fined when he was the prosecuting witness, and declar- ing that the case never would have cone against him bat for "the bloody-minded in- formashin," which he firmly b«liev«d to bt the evil work of the deaignmg Morris Mc- Hogadan. Cornering the Boyi. Only a few davs before they moved the •Apital, a worthy lady of Peoria one morning detected her two sons laughing immoderate- ly. Suspecting that she was the oause of their disreapeotial mirth, the good woman involuntarily loosened her slipper and called up the young culprits. "Thomas, what made you laugh ?" " Nobody made me laugh ; I laughed on purpose." "None of your impudence, sir. John, why were you laughing at the door just now?" John (eagerly) — -'Wasn't laughing at the door, I was laughing at TomI" Tom — " And I was laughing at John." The matron assumed a dignified attitude. " Now, my boys, what were you both laugh- ing at ?" Boys (in a triumphant shout) — "We were both laughing at once !" The good lady su.iimoned all her energies for a final effort, and resolved to corner the boyB by a settling question. " Now, then, I want you to tell me, Tom, what made John laugh and you laugh ?" - Tom — " John didn't laugh a new laugh ; it was the same old laugh ! Neither of the boys got whipped, the slip- per slii back to it accustomed place, and to this day nobody knows what those boys laughed at. The Seedsman. How doth the busy nurseryman '-nprove each shining hour ; ^i.t>'J. peddle scions, sproutsand seeds Of every shrub and flower, How busily he wags his chin. How neat he spreads his store. And sells us things that never grew And won't grow any more. Who showed the little man the way To sell the women seedl Who taught him how to blow and lie And coax and beg and plead 1 He taught himself, the nurseryman ; And when his day is done. Well plan t him where the lank rag weeds Will flutter in the sun. But oh, although we plant him deep Beneath the Duttercup, He's so much like the seed he sells, He nevpi ?'ill come u;^. 8eLliu;< Oue Heirloom. One aftewic lort a week after the big Fourth of /uly, rt hi g/y-looking man made hill appearance do vu near the post offioa comer, carrying in his arms an old-fashioned cl'jck, f«bout four feet high, with some ghast- ly locking characters scrawled across the dial, like the photograph of a fire-cracker label with the delirium tremens. He set the dock down, and in loud tones called apOB tiie passers-by to pause, as he was about t* make a saorince that would break the heart of the oldest horologer living. He was going to sell that clock, he said. An old family lieirloom, and agenuiue curiosity of antiquiity, which h ands of because when hi bread, I had tha intellige plenty. " Gen A relic Chinese case anc ounce o\ China Pitshoo, hundrec thousan course these ha is in th( Chinese ' Time Now wl docK ? eut it t( Burling her up ; men ; t haven't can't ge is in m] never h A ma lounged the case was rea ten ceni "Tei eyes—' Don't B time to starvi'i; for a d- could r Why.l a mont tells jii the dc] when t dock, boy ha it tells iliunda; mtnut< dei>art ten o'c it six dollar! all nig in th( in th accur* Ten >er and called I langhed on sir. John, »or just now?" ighing at the rt John." fied attitude. 1 both langh- -"We were her energies o corner the lell me, Tom, angh ?" new laugh ; ted, the slip- place, and to those boys an d seeds )re, r grew le way and lie it 7nian ; : ragweeds ideep sells, Fter the big man ma(M post offioe il-fashioned some ghast- across th« N re-cracker He set the liUed npoB iS about t* the heart ) was going old family antiquity, SELLINQ THE HE.IRLOOM. 41 which he would not ordinarily take thous- ands of dollars for, but which he sold now because he was out of work, penniless ; and when his wife and children cried to him for bread, he could not say them nay when he had that in his possession that would, in any intelligent community, bring them food and plenty. "Gentlemen, he said, " look at that clock. A relic of antiquity. One of the oMest Chinese clepsydras in the wo"ld. Bamboo case and sandal-wood running; gear. Not an ounce of metal in its construction. Made in China by the eminent horologer Tchin Pitshoo, as near as can be ascertained, i^hree hundred years after the flood. Worth a thousand dollars if its worth a cent ; but of course I don't expect to get half its value in these hard times. The inscription on the face is in the characters of the purest Confucian Chinese and the interpretation of them is, ' Time flies and money is twelve per cent.' Now what are you going to give me for that clocK ? Who will buy this clock, and pres- ent it to the Iowa Historical Society or the fiurlington Library? How much? Start her up ; send her ahead at something, gentle- men ; there's a woman and five children that haven't had a bite to eat for two days, and can't get a crumb till tLe money for this clock is in my pocket. A marvellous time-p'ece ; never lost " A man in brown overalls and a dirty face lounged up to the clock, and after scratching the case with a pin, tu assure himself that it was really a genuine Chinese clepsydra, bid ten cents. "Ten cents !" roared the man, rolling his eyes — "Heaven hold back your lightnings ! Don't strike him dead just yet ! Give him time to repent. Ten cents to buy food for a starving woman and five children. Ten cents for a d " He choked with emotion, and could not go on for a moment. ' ' Ten cents ! Why, that clock only has to be wound once a month, and it records every minute of time; tells just how long it will take you to get to the depot ; tells when the train starts, and when the children are late to school. This dock, gentlemen, will tell when the oldest boy has played hookey and gone off fishing ; it tells how late the hired girl's beau stays Vunday nighc, and it will register the exact minute of our oldest daughter's arrival and departure at and from the front gate after ten o'clock at night. Why, after you've had it six weeks, you'll not take six hundred dollars for it. It runs fast all day and slow »il uight, giving a man fourteen hours' sleep in the winter and sixteen hours' sleep in the summer, without disturbing the accurate arerage of the day a minnte. Ten cents for sooh a dock as that ! Ten cents ! Gentlemen, this is robbery ; it's cold-blooded murder. At ten cents ; at ten, at ten, atten, atten, attenat- tennit-tennit-tennet-tena-tena-tena-ten a-a-t ten cents only am I offered, twenty do I hear? Atten " An old rag man, after a critical examina- tion of the marvel, bid fifteen cents, and was instantly regarded as a mortal entsmy by the first bidder. " Fifteen cents !" exclaimed the seller. "Gentlemen, knock me down and rob ine of my clothes, strip me naked if you will, but don't.pluuder a gasping, starving woman and five weak, helpless babes. Don't rob the dyingt Fifteen cents. Why, I've suffered more than three hundred dollars' worth of privation and sorrow and miBery,Tather than sell this clock at all. Fifteen cents. Why, you set that clock where the sun shines on it, and it will indicate a rain storm three days in advance, and will tell where the lightning is going to strike. Why, you could make millions by buying this clock to bet on. It will tell, just three weeks before election, who is going to beat. It's a credit to any household, and will run the whole family on tick. Fifteen cents I why, it won't pay for the shelf you stand it on. Fifteen cents for a clock that used to be owned by an emper- or I Fifteen cents. Oh, kill me dead. At fifteen cents, fifteen, tiftn, fiftn, fift, ntift, ntift, nfiftnn^ftnnfift, t-a-a-a-at fifteen cents for a clock that can't be duplicated this aide of the Yang tse Kianer. At fifteen ce — thank you sir, twenty cents I have ; twenty cents to feed a starving family of seven souls ; twenty cents for s. barefooted woman and five ragged cliildren that haven't tasted food since Monday morning ; twenty cents, from a city of thirty thousand inhabitants, for a starving family ; there's Christian philanthropy for you. Twenty cents from the commercial capital of Iowa, for a clock that would be snapped up anywhere else ia the world at hundreds, merely for its antiquity ; there's intelligent appreciation of the arts and cul- ture for you. Gentleuien, I can't stand it much longer ; my heart is breaking. Twenty cects, twenty cents, twenty, twenty, twen, twen, twentwentwen, and sold — a thousand dollar clock, starving woiuaii, dying children, hebrt-broken man, and all to the second-hand- storo man for twenty cents." He took his money, a ragged shinplaster and two street-car nickels, and walked away with a dejected, heart-broken air. He stopped in at a bakery with frosted windows and transient doors, to buy bread for his starving wife and babes, and his voice wtm hnsky with emotion as he said to the natty looking baker, whose diamond pin glittered OTST the walnut counter, " Oimme • plain aear," /^ 42 SODDING AS A FINE ART. The Romance of the Carpet. Basking in peace, in the warm Spring sun, South Hill smilea upon Burlington. The breach of May ! and (he day was fair, And the biiijht motes danced in the balmy air, And the sunlight gleamed where the restless breeze Kissed the fragrant blooms on the apple trees. HiB beardless cheek with a smile was spanned As he stood with ;i carriage-whip in lus hand. And he laughed as he doffed his bob-tailed coat. And the echoing folds of the carpet smote. And sho smiled as she leaned on her busy mop. And said she would loll him when to stop. So he pounded away till the dinner bell Gave him a little breathing spell. But he sighed when the kitchen clock struck one; And she said the carpet wasn't done. But he loriiigly put in hia biggest licks. And pounded like mad till the clock struck six. And she said, in a dubious kind of way. Thai -she ^'uessed he could finish it up next day. Tlion all that day, and the next day too. The fuzz frani the dustless carpet new. And she'd give it a look at eventide. And Hiiy, "'Now beat on the other side." And the now days came as the old days went And the landlord came for Iuk tegular rent. And the neighbours laughed at the tirelesa boom. And his face was shadowed with clouds of gloom ; Till at last, one cheerless winter day. Ho kicked at the carpet and slid away; Over 1 he Tencc and down the street, Spcpding away with footsteps fleet ; And uevr;- atvuin I he iiioniiug buu Smiled ui liim beating hib carpet dt um ; And South Hill often said, with a yawn, " When; iuw the carpet martyr gone?" Years twice twenty h>d come and passed, A>.<\ ill", vpci •.;\\ a,_M>(l iii the aiii""i'i blast; For never yet, since that bright spring time, Had it ever been taken down from the line. Over tlic fciiee a ;;i'ay -haired man Cautiously (jlim, clumo. rluai, clum,clam; He found hliii a si ick in the old woodpile, Aim iu; guiliered ii up wi h a sad, grim smile. A (ui-'.i ;Mi;ed cx.i-his (,['•<} forlorn Ab hc,i.izi'd at hir. carpet Ip.ftcrcd and lorn ; And he hit a woai rci lundin,;! thwack. Till the startled air gave its echoes back And out of the window a white face leaned, And a paNied hand the sad eyes screened. She knew his face— she gasped, she sighed : " A little more on the under side." Right down on the ground his stick he throwed, And he shivered and muttered, " Well, I am bio wed !" And he turned away, with a heart full sore. And he never was seen, not none i:o more. Sodding as a Fine Art. One day, early in the sjjring, Mr. Blosberg, who lives out on Nintli- street, made up his mind tliat he would soil his front yard him self, and when he had formed this public- spirited resolution, he proceeded to put it into immediate execution. He cut his sod, iu righteous and independent andlibevty-lov ing disregard of the ridictilous city ordinance in relation thereto, from the patches of ver dure that the cows had permitted to obtain a temporary growth along the side, of the street, and proceeded to beautify bis front yard therewitli. Just as he Laid the first sod, Mr. Thwackery, his next door neighbour, passed by. "Good land, Blosberg," he shouted, " you'll never be able to make anything of such a sod ai< that. NVby, its three inches too thick. That sod will cake ui> and dry like a brick. You want to shave at least two inches and a half oH the bottnm of it, so the roots of the grass will yrovv into the ground and unite the sod with the eartli. That sod is thick enough for a corner stone." So Mr. Blosberg took the spade and shav- ed the sod down until it was thin and about as pliable as a buck- wheat cake, and Mr Thwackery pronounced it all right and sure to grow, aii(l passed on. Just as Mr. Bios berg got it laid down the second time, old Mr. Teinpleton, who lived on the next block, came ahtug and leiiied on the fence, intently observnig the dodder's nidvoments. " Well now, Blosberg," he said at length, '* I did think you liad better sense than that. Don't you know a sod \rill never grow on that hard ground? Yon must spade it all up til -I, :uiu ')!■(.'.■'-!. t:'(' d'.'t uj) lino and ;;:>tr to the depth of at least four inches, or the grass can never take root in it. Don't waste your time and sod by [lutting grass on top of such a baked brick-iloor as that." And Mr. Blosl)eig laid aside the sod and took up the spade and laboured under Mr. Templeton's directions until the ground was properly prepared for the sod, and t)u,n Mr. Tem))let(m, telling him that sod couMii't die on tliat ground now if lie tried to kill it, went his way and Mr. lilosl)erg picked lip that precious sod a third time, and prepared to put it in its (ilaee. Before he had fairly poised it over tlie spot, however, his hands were arrested by a territic shout, and look he sighed : !k he throwed " Well, I am t fiill soi-e, i.'O more. rt. Mr. Blosberg, made up his nt yard him- this public- id to put it cut his sod, d libe/ty-lov- ity ordinance itches of ver- ed to obtain side, of the tify his front the first sod, >r neighbour, he shouted, anything of tliree inches Uf> and dry ave at least ttnin of it, so nv into the 1 tlie eartli. tor a corner ide and shav- in and about ke, and Mr. ight and sure as Mr. Bios- ud time, old 16 next block, ince, intently its. id at length, ise than that. rev grow on spade it all iiiG .'hkI ;:>fr iches, or the Don't waste ass on top of the sod and I under Mr. ) ground was lid t;i(;n Mr. couMii't die I to kill it, ; picked up nd prepared B had fairly r, his hands t, and look- SODDING AS A FINE ART. 43 ing up he saw Major Bladgers shaking his cane nt him over the fence. " Blosberg, you insufferable donkey." roared the Major, "don't you know that you'll lose every blade of grass you can carry if you ].ut your sod on that dry '.'round ? There, you have gone iiud cut it so thin that all the roots of tlie grn^s are cut and bleeil- ing, and you must soak the ground with water until it is a perfect pulp, so that tlie roots will sink right into it, and draw mitri- tioiufroiu the moist earth. Wet her down, Blosbi'ig, if you wont to see your labour re- sult in any thing. So Mr. Blosberg put the sod aside again, and wont and pumped water and carried it around in buckets until his back ached like a soft corn, and when he had finally trans- 1 formed his front yard into a morass, the ma- j jor was satisfied, and assuring Mr. Blosberg ! that his sod would grow beautifully now, I even if he had laid it on upside down, march- i ed auay, and Mr. Bloslierg made a fourth; effort to put down the first sod in its place. He ,i;ot it down and was going back after an- ' other, when old Mrs. Twcedlebug checked , him in his wild career. | "Lawk, Mr. Blosb(?rg, ye mustn't go off an' leave that sod lying that way. You must take the spade and beat it ilown hard, till it IS all Hat and level, and close to the groiimi everywhere. You must pound it hanl, or the weeds will all start up u uler it and crowd out the grass." Mr. iilosberg wx'ut back, and stooping over the sod hit it a resounding thwack with his spade that shot gr..-at flouts and splotches of mud all over the parlour windows and half ' way to the top of the house, and some of it l came llying into his face and on his clothes, while a miscellaneous shower made it dan- gi'rous even for his adviser, who, with a fee- bU? sluick of (lisappi-ob.iti(Ui, went hastily away, digging raw mud out of her ears. Mr. i B.'ohherg didn't know how long to keep on poii'idiiig, ami he didn't see Mrs. Tweedle- j buc; go a'vtiy, so he stood, with his spade "■'l.->i' 111 .'n;,.!! .Hit' j!'-i i'^ t'S ■ I li'.'iu, wititiii!.' i'M' instriictiiiiis. And as he waited he \ra i lirju'ised to hear a new voice acecst him. ic was the voice of Mr. ThiMtlcpod, the old iigridilturi^ft, of wlio'u Mr. Llosberg bougot his ajiples and butler. "Hril". Mr. Closberg!" h.' shouted, in tonoi Nil'.icli iidicau^ii that he cither believed Mr. I'loaherg to beatunedeaf ortwo thousand mile ■ awa.\. :\i'\ I'losiKrg wi liked violently to get tin; .soil (>;;' ut his eyes, and turned in the dircc- ^ tion ot the iiiiife to say " (Jood evening." "Soddin', hey 1;" askcrl Mr. Thistlepod. "Trying to, sir," replied Mr. Blosberg, rather cautiously. " 'Spect it will grow, hey ?" Mr. Blo.slKTg, having learned by very re- cent experience how liable his plans were to be overthrown, was still nou-coinmittal, and replied that " he hoped sj." " Wal, if ye hope so, ye mustn't go to poundin' yer sod to pieces with that spade. Ye don't want to ram it down so dad binged tight and hard there can't no air git at the roots. Y''e inuHt shake that sod up a little, so as to loosen it. and tiuai jest pressit down with yer foot oiitwill it jest teches the ground nicely all round. .Sod's too thin, anyhow." So Mr. Blosberg thrust his hands into the nasty mud under his darling, much-abused sod, and spread his fingers wide apart to keep it from breaking to pieces as he raised it, and finally got it loosened up and pressed down to Mr. Thistlepod's satisfaction, who then tohl him he didn't believe he could make that sod grow any way, and drove away. Then Mr. Blosberg stepped back to loik at that sod, fceliiig confident that he had i;ot through with it, when young .Mr. Simpson came along. "Hello, P)lo.s, old Ij.>y ; watchu doin' ?" Mr. Blosberu tiiiiotdiisly answered that he was sodding a little. Then Air. .Simpson pressed his lips very tightly together to re- press a smile, and let his cheeks swell and bulge out to the size of toy balloons with suppressed merrimont, and dually burst into a snort of derisive laughter that made the windows rattle iu the lions., s nu the other side of the street, and he went on, leaving Mr, Blosberg somewhat nettleil and a little discouraged. He stood, with his fingers spread wide apart, holding his arms out Tike wings, and wondering vvhether he had bet- ter go get another sod or go wash his hands, when a policciuaii came by and pausod. "Soddin'?"' he asked, seiitentiously. " Yessii-, a little," replied Mr. Bh>sberg, respectfully. "Where'd you get your sod ':" iiiiiuirtHl the representative of public order. Mr. 'i^/.;b^r, .uijLiiiii_\ iiivlii'aLu.i tiii; liltle bart; p:ualleloj;rai)i in tiic .scanty patch of verduica.s hi.s l>ase of supplies. " You're the mail I've been luukiu' for, "re- uliod [juhlie order. " You come along with nie. And Mr. i^loaber.;,' went almg, ami the T'oli>'c .liid;.c lined him. *ll. '.);*». and when Mr. Blosberg got liMuie he found that a cow had got iiitii his yanl during his absehcc and stepiied on that jirecious sod fivi^ timt's. and put her foot clear throiiih it every time, so that it looked bke .i patch ot' moss roll- ed u)j in a wad. mine tlian a sod. And then .Mr. Blosberg fill on his knees and raised his hands to heaven, and registered a vow that 44 THE AMENITIBS OP POLITICS. he would never plant another sod if this whole fertile world turned into a Sahara for want of his aid. The Amenities of Politics. " There is one thing", said Mr. Leatherby, as he was walking down town one drizzling, disagreeable morning during the last presi- dential campaign, " that disgusts me with politics, and th;it is, the violent and abusive tone in which our daily papers conduct the discussion of every issue and question which they touch upon." " Indeed you may be well disgusted at it," replied old Mr. Bartholomew, wlio had just joined him. "It is as much as a man can do to lift a newspaper off his door step with a pair of tongs. Time and again I throw the paper down half read, and I have geriously thought of stopping it altogether, for I consider its presence in my family a con- tamination." "It is, in truth," replied Mr. Leatherby ; " it is worse than a contamination. It is corrupting ; it has a degrading, brutalizing influence, that is, I am convinced, undermin- ing the foundations of our moral struc- ture. The daily press of to-day is one great engine of abuse, defamation, bad grammar, worse language and worse morals. " " I cannot see, for my part," said Mr. Bar- tholomew, " why men cannot discuss politics SB freely, as earnestly and as entirely free from acrimonious expressions and feeling ^^s Eirely exempt from abusive language of any nd, from any heat and anger, in fact, as they could discuss the grade of a street or the style of a coat." "And so I think," said Mr. Leatherby. *' I can not, for my part conceive of an intel- lect so waiped and na^iuw, a mind so shal- low, that it can not carry on a discussion in politics without falling into the asperities, vulgarity, abusive detraction, and shameful dander that is the reproach and disgrace of the newspaper press. " It is a form of idiocy, I believe," replied old Mr. Bartholomew. " It is an indication of a feeble mind that looks upon abuse as an argument, and bullying as logic. I am •nd always have been a Republican, but I otoi express my disapproval of many Demo- ^«tiv; measures in a gentlemanly manner ; snd if I had not mind enough to keep my temper, I would consider that I had no right to talk politics." "You are perfectly correct," rejoined Mr. leatherby, earnestly ; " and while we agree db some points in political controversy, I being a life-long Democrat, yet we can freely Mid with matual pleasure, and, I trust, Sofit, meet and diiouai oar didioultiea in a «ndly way, without giring way to the in- sane and detestable exhibition of temper, ignorance, and prejudice which marks the tone of the morning paper." "I had not noticed it so much in' the Hawkeye," replied Mr. Bartholomew, with a show of awakeuins; interest in the conversa- tion ; "but when that trashy Democratic sheet that pollutes the evening air is brought to me by my neighbour, an ignorant dolt who can neither read nor write, but takes the paper as a party duty, and asks me to read it to him, I am amazed that the gods of truth and decency do not annihilate the infamous, puerile sheet with their thunderlK>lts. " " You must bear in mind, however," re- joined Mr. Leatherby, speaking a trifle louder thab was necessary in addressing a companion whose hand was resting on his arm, "the Gazette h.~* such a tide of corruption, such an avalanche of political bigotry and villainy to rebuke, that its voice must be raised in order to be heard ; and it must speak buldly, de- fiantly, and in the thunder tones of righteous denunciation, to staitle the people into a realizing sense of the peril which threatens the country from Republican misrule and tryanny. " " By George 1' shouted Mr. BartholomeWi "the Republican party is the last, the only bulwark between the republic and eternal ruin. I tell you, sir, once let the Democratie {)arty obtain control of this government; oace et that iufaiNons organization of political thieves, kuueks, outlaws, and castaways take charge of our political machinery, and we will tind ourselves in the hands of a horde of the most abandoned profligates, the most ut- terly unprincipled, the most vicious, demoral- ized, unconscionable, diabolical set of scoun- drels that ever cheated the gallows." " By the long-horned spoon !" roared Mr. Leatherby , jerking his arm away from Mr. Bartholomew's hand ; " if the satanic and in- fernal plans of the Republican party were carried out, with all their attendant knavery and debauchery, this government would bea rule of branded malefaotors and convicts, a government of felons, a penal colony in which the most hopelessly irreclaimable, graceless villains wonld administer the law. The bad faith of the Republican party, its ignominious record, its vicious tendencies, has shockMl the Christian world, and——" " You're a liar !" yelled Mr. Bartholomew, " and you are just like the rest of your 1 >esot* ted, low-lived, ignorant class— a low, mean, pitiful, beggarly, unscrupuIoHi and treacher- ous set ; whose impudence in asking for th<^ votes of honourable men is only equalled by your rapacious and mnbridled greed for office,; your " " Yon are an old fool !" howled Mr. Leath- erby^ " a oensoriotiB, clamorous, sourriloas. foul-tongu my name ' You mista gument, a ment of fa slander a answer." Shut " Don t y Blap year your head " You c pulling ot! Bartholon publican i and ring bo the sne meetings ! "You'r take it n\ ing off his Then N him twic( arms of hi loose in by a r with his by stop over his mew got : with his c the rooks broke tv hit Mr. 1^ old gentle dropited li to the sto the other erby hnrli missed th eye of a p rate them rested tlu and coats they both hatred au abuse of 1 their inlli the good It hapi ordinary broken b ly drama there cor a quiet, few shori sanctum pressed 1 ef thepl quick, av woman of temper, marks the nuch in' the mew, with a be conversa- Deraocrati« ir is brought iDt dolt who takea the me to read ;ods of troth le infaraoas, bolts." owever," re- tritie louder a companion arm, "the ion, suoh an 1 villainy to iaed in order buldly, de- of righteous tople into a h threatens nisrule and rtholomeWi it, the only and eternal Damocratie imeut; once of political kawajs take ry, and we f a horde of he most nt* IS, demoral- 9t of scoun- B." roared iJir, / from Mr. mic and in- party weN nt knaTerj would be a convicts, a ky in which , graceless The bad {nominious as shockad tholomew, ^our?>eaot' ow, mean, 1 treacher- ing for thu rinalled by i for office,; Ar. JLeath' lourriloaf,. A THRILLING ENCOUNTER. 45 fonl-tongued old reprobate, and I disgrace my name when I talk to you on the street. You mistake vituperation and abuse for ar- gument, and you reply to a simple plain state- ment of facts with malignant and defamatory slander and calumny, because you can't answer." "Shut up!" shrieked Mr. Bartholomew. " Don t you say another word to me, or I'll slap year ugly mouth ! By Geori^e, I'll kick your headofif! ' " You can't do it !" roared Mr. I.catherby, pulling olf his coat, and dancing around Mr. Bartholomew. " 1 can lick the whole lie- publican party, from the big whiskey thief and ring master in the White House down to the sneak thief that picks pockets at mass meetings ! I can " "You're a fighting liar, and you daren't take it ii}* !" howled Mr. Bartholomew, pull- ing off his coat. Then Mr. Leatherby ran up and kicked him twice while he was struggling in the arms of his coat, but the old geiitlemeu got loose in a iias»h and hit Mr. Leather by a resounding thwack on the nose with his oane, and when Mr. Leather- by stopped to hold a handkerchief over his bleeding proboscis, Mr. Bartliolo- mew got in a couple more real good ones with his oane ; then Mr. Leatherby went for the rooks in the macadamized street. He broke tv windows iu a grocery })efore lie hit Mr. Bartholomew when he caught the old gentleman on the side of the head and drop})ed him. Then Mr. BarthcdomeW took to the sttine pile and hit a young lady on the other side of the street, and Mr. Leath- erby hurled a tremendous big rock, which missed the old gentleman and blacked the eye of a policeman who was coming to sepa- rate them, but was so incensed that he ar- rested tliem, and they were each fined $10 uid coats for righting in the street. And they both finnly believe that the unbridled hatred and unreasonable recriminations and abuse of the daily ])apeid are iniquitous in their intlueuce and should be suppressed for the good of society. A Thrilling Encounter. It happens once in a wliile, that even the ordinary routine of the editorial sanctum is broken V>y incidents and scenes tliat are fair- ly dramatic in their character. As we write, there comes back tu us the reminiscences of quiet, sleepy summer afternoon, only a few short years ago. The very Hies in the ■anctum buzzed lazily about the room, op- pressed by the heat and the quiet loneliness ef the plaloe, when the door opened with a quick, sudden snap, and we turned and saw a woman stepping into the room. She was not old, and her face, haggard with care and seamed with trouble, still bore traces of great beauty. She came into the office with a quick, nervous tread, and there was a hunted look in her eyes that betrayed the fugitive. She closed the door behind her, and turned the key in almost the same mo- tion, with the quick instinctive manner of a person who had fallen into the habit vf iso- lating herself from observation and puisuit at every opportunity. She refused to sit down, but saiil : "I can tell you all you want to know about rae in very few words — I am a fugitive." We told her we had giiessed as much, and we besoui^ht her to oontide nothing to us. We could not help her, we said ; our duty as a journalist would not permit us to uxteud any help to a person flying from the law. She said : "I do not want j^ou to aid me in farther flight ; I am tired to death. My own cou- Rcience,more pitiless th.\u the minions of the law, has pursued me for years with a whip of scorpions. I c-,ai not escaj)e. its ter- rible lashings. I can not 11 j' from my i)iiniNh» nient if I would, and I am anxious it sliould be over. Death would be a welcome relief, if it would but come. " And we told the panting, weary creature to tell none of her story to us, and jidvi.sed her to go the police headquarters and ^ive herself into the hands of the law, which would deal justly, and, we had no doubt, in view of her sufl'crin^'s and remorse, merci- fully with her. " I can not 1" she exclaimed, covering her face with her hands, and ])reai<ing into enn- vulsive sobs ; " 1 can not, I can not. Y(m do not know there are otiier hearts \vould ache if I gave myself up and told all. I want to tell my story to some one wiio will pity me and a<lvise mo. Tliere are those whose hands are as dark with inefl'accable stains as mine are, but who do not suffer the mental agony that oppresses me. Shall 1, in order to esci])e the lashings of my own con- science, consign tiiese, whoso lives are happy and whose hearts know no remorse, to the same punishment for which 1 yearn ?" We asked her (for our curiosity conquered our caution) if it was possible that one so young and fair was the centre of a wide- spreading circle of crime that held in its horrid entanglements so many others beside herself ? "Aye," she said, bitterly, " If I went to the gallows through a court of justice, I would lead with me, held by the same ter- rible links of evidence, a gruilty train of men hardened in crime, and their hands steeped in innocent blond ?" " Wouuri, woman !" we exclaimed, in tfn i m m rt> «i n » s ifcw> * iit* " 46 FIVE WOMEN. horrified tones, "iu the name of heaven, who and what are you t" "Oil, heaven help me !" she Hhrieked, in a voice that chilled our marrow — "I am old man Bender I" A weirii, Avild whoop rent the silence of the sanctum— ^ and the woman was alone. There was a sound as of a risiiij.; journalist ■crambling uo through the narrow eoj;y tube, and the next instant u bare h»;ad, with a quill over one car, burst throui^h the hatch- way in the roof, and, followed by a complete set of cdlronrl anntoniv, emorucd. aTid run- i>ii>'r hr -i.' It' +. . Ttl(i V .'ll f.V*^ 1 day (puff, puff), and I can't sleep at night, and I'm afraid I'll have to give up entirely (puff, puff). I could hardly get out to-daj (puff, puff, putt"). I went to GreenV)aum and Schroder's and around to Guest s and down to Carpenter's (puff, i)uff), and ijito Parsons' and up to Mrs. Vooihees' (puff, putl), and down to Wyman's and up to Wesley Jones' and into Gua Dodge's and (puff, puff, puff) down to the express office, and then by the time I had made a couple of calls out on North Hill and went to the doctor's, I was aa tired as tlioue') I had walktd a mile (|;uff. •iM' !;liil I dis.ii)pe«iod dou"u t'a iightii: ' , ii/ii, and was I sect) 110 more until the next day at tiirce | p.m. We never saw the wonnm again, and wist j not where she is, but we smile in bitter derision whenever we read that the police nave arrested an old man aiisweriug the description of old man Bender. It was a sad scone when the authorities took a poor man froni Happy Hollow, and sent him out to tlie ])oor house. Tl;.; ..art incT !)"■ ween tliH {♦'iiiv mvn av.i his t^ievp' i dog-i, which he distfibuteil aiiioug hi.s sym- ! pa'..hizing relatives. wa« affecting in ;.1k' ex- | trtMOf. Nit; l»':!ie\c rn<j nuui iiaa ;i tew' children, too, but not enough to make a fuss about. A bashful young man, while out driving with the dearest girl in tlie world, had to get out and l)uckle the crupper, and hesitat- ingly exclaimed that "the animal's bustle had come loose." Five Women. One afternoon five women went out on South Hill in a street car. One of them was a fat woman in a black dress, with a cameo pin as large as a stucco ornament. She breathed at high pressure, about 103 to the minute. A woman with a thin, long neck, and sad eyes, and a Paisley shawl, sitting on the other side of the car, said, in a feeble voice : " Good afternoon, Mrs. Waughop." " Oh, (puff) Mrs. Dresseldorf, (ijuff, puff,) how do (puff) you do ?" (Puff, puff. ) " Oh, I ain't feeling well at all. I've had so much trouble with my lungs, and nothing seems to do them any good. I've tried onion gargle, and three kinds of expectorant, and wine of tai, and two of Dr. Bolus' pre- scriptions, and one of Dr. Bleadem's, and a new kind of ointment, but nothing seems to have any effect on them. How do you feel to-day?" "Oh," groaned Mrs. Waughop, 'Tm not getting on at all. My asthma is worse every become of mt, I'moUie. How are ya . this afternoon, Mr^. l)inklcni:'.!i ?" "he conti.'iucd, turning to the next woman, a lonesome .look- ing female with a wart on her chin, who smiled dismally on being addressed, and paused in the midst of a search for a .street car nickel in the bottom of a black reticule as big as a hair trunk. "I'm about half down with the chills," she said, Mith a prolonged sigh; "I have such a fever every night, I don't get two iioura' sleep out of tlio i.weiitv-ff>ur, and I'm uAmM T'n b. A-xrh :i:A ^ ■.'"• •- 1 yt ^'irour;!; with it. My eycs-iglit is fniling. t<io, aini 1 have a constant lifH'hir-lus tlml worries me nearly to death. 1 ;iii. jhvd, Mrs. Muliig.tn," said Mrs. I)inkleman, turning to the fourth "woman, "to see you able to be out.'' Mrs. Mulligan bowed feebly to the rest of the ladies. "Indeed 1 ou'jhtn't to be out," she groaned, " 1 <iugli!: to on in bcii tliis minute. I haven't had this flannel off my throat for three weeks, and I'm afraid I'll lose my voice entirely. I've had a misery across 'my back since I don't know when, and I had to have thicc tctth pulled this blessed afternoon. I was that bad with the rheumatiz all last week I didn't dare stir out of the house, and I've got a felon coming on my finger just as sure as I'm a living woman. What appears to be the matter with your face, Mrs. (iallagher?" she asked the last woman in the car. "Neuralagy of the eyes," the last woman, who wore black glasses and green goggl«s, remarked, in such lugubrious tones that they cast a gloom over the entire community, and the masculine occupants of the car wondered if there was a well woman in America. The Ctoblin Gate. We once knew a most worthy man, whose irreproachable life was at one time threatened with mental and physical wreck, all on ac- count of his front gate. He lived out on North Hill, with his charming wife and seven lovely daughters. He was a pale-faced, anxions-looking man, who moved about and looked and spoke ai though he rapped with It. ep at night, ! up entirely t out to-d;ij lenliaum and s ami down Jito Parsons' pnti), aud CHley Jones' , pufl', puff) and then by ills out on ctor'a, I was it mile '|)uff. ■ _•■ t... e continued, lesonie .look- r chin, who ressed, and for a street lack reticule tJie chills," ;h ; "I have )n't get two )iir nijfi I'm -'■'. thn.'.ijjl ;. too, and I worries me ^. Mulli;:,ui," ;o the fourth lUt." ;o tlie rest of t to he out," ill iifii tliis innel oil my 'ni afraid I'll lad a misery know when, 1 ]>ulle<i this l)ad with the dare stir out m liiimiiig on ving woman, r with your ked the last last woman, een goggks, ies that they imunity, and lar wondered nerica. man, whose e threatened k, all on »c- ived out on ife and seTen pale-faced, id about and ■upped with THE GOBLIN GATE. 47 Borrow seven times a week. He has, with j mental and substantial — and the seven all those seven lovely daughters, oidy one j sisters were pleased. They read t))e little front gate, and that's what madn him pale, | brass plate, that informed thtm that a In one summer he spent .$217 repairing that patent was applied for, and they saw the front gate — putting in new ones, and ex- words, "For 130 pounds;" but they didn't perimenting with various kinds of hinges ; know what it meant until tht" gate hail and after all that, the gate swung all through swung on the uneven tenor of its way about the winter on a leafchar strap and a pieoe of a week. clothes-line — aud there was peace in the household, and the mangrewfat. Butwhenthe April days were nigh, it soon became apparent to the man that his troubles were at hand, and anxiety soou drove the roses from his '•'IJ'J *-l., fence, to avon! calling .i.ttcjitioii to the dis- reputable looking old gale ; but hia self- dcuial was of no avail. One evening his eldest daughter. Sophronia, said : " Pa, that horriil ohl gate is the most dis- gusting thing on Fifth- street. If you can't afford to have it fixed, I'd take it away and put up a stile." And pa only groaned, so later, his youngest came in and .saM, warmth • But an evening or daughter, Elfrida, witii ccuisiderable One evening, the weather, thougli suf- ficiently cool to be bracing, admitted a test of the new a;ate. A murmur of vcrices arose from* the vicinity of that popular lovers' retreat, as Sophronia swung idly to and fro aiiJvioi. -iUOi.i. ,.' ii.i.i., «iio M :it% ue<.vii:.i: hiS' hand upon his brcr-f't to yit:U' hifi Inritin-^ heart, as he crouched in a dark corner of the porch, heard Rodolphus say : *' But believe me, Sophronia, iny own heart'H idol, between the touches of the rude hand of time and the unkind " Ashe began the word, he leaned fc'.vard and bent his weight upon the gate, and witii a sharp click a little trap-door in the side of the post tlew open, and a gaunt, many- jointed arm of steel, with an ircii knob as ■ ■ J a ; 1 »\ 1.-31I yoii ii.i .'ate tied to your neck; that's fiiat iieasciv Old itiew out, ann, v.irti tne lapioity or ".'jhtning, wiiat I wish I" i hit Piodoh'hus two resounding T)elts l;'-t>^een 11.^' .v,.Lp, .ated- llic ;-l:<aMv!s '■Lat ^(■■iiiC.-jd' liL^ „ Lass up stairs in a misty cloud, while her sisters i drum explosion, followed slowly, casting reproachful glances i " Oh-h-h ! gosh !" he roared, "I'm st.;bbed! at pa. And the next evening, his third i I'm stabbed !" and, without waitii.g to pick daughter, A/alea, came boixncing into the Up his hat, fled, shrieking for the doctor; room, about '>:;W P. M.,witii her gloves in a i while Sophronia rushed into the house, cry- condition to indicavc tiiat slie had been j ing, " Pa ! pa ! pa ! Rodolphus is .shot I" aud patting gravel, and said, with some energy, j swooned. The pale-faced man said norliing, that if pa had no feeling, other people iiad; ! but shrank farther back into the sii;Ktow,and and she wished she was dead, she did; and she hoped that the next time pa went ont of that hateful old g.ite. he'd fall clear from Fifth-street to the bridge, so she did. And she broke dcwn, and disappeared with a staccato accompaniment of 8ol)s and sniffles. And the next time pa went out of that gate, he found it prostrate between the two posts, and saw that tiie fragile strands of the clothfcS-liiic had parted, under some extra- ordinai'v jiressiuo; aud that was what ailed Azalea's >.;loves. Pa saw there was nothing for it but a n^v.- i;.".t\ and he groaned aloud as he viewed the dreary piospect of furnish- ing gates to support the minly forms of the best young men of Burlington for another summer. It soon became evident that he was getting up a gate he could match against time. He pondered, and pondered, and pondered. He became the confidant of carpenters; he was often seen guiltily show- ing certain plans and drawings to black- smiths and cunning workers in iron and ^teel. And in due time he had a new gate up; a masaive gate, with fl;reat poats, oma- thrust his handkerchief into iiiy mouth to stifle a smile. Pretty soon he heai il the voice of his daughter Azalea at the gate say- ing, "Good-night." But a rich, m.anly voice detained her; and the measured swing of the gate was again heard in the distance. Soon he heard Lorenzo say, as he made ready to climb upon the gate : " But whatever of sorrow may await our future, dear one, I would it might fall upon me -" And, just as he lifted his foot from the ground, the trap opened, and the gaunt aim reached out and fell upon him, with that big knob, four times ; and every time it reached him, Lorenzo shrieked: " Bleeding heart! Oh, mercy, mercy, Mr. Man! Oh, murder!" And, as he ambled away in the starlight, wailing for arnica, Azalea fled wildly to her home, shrieking, ' ' Oh, pa, pa, pa ! somebody is murdering Lorenzo!" And on the porch a pale-faced man thrust the rim of his felt hat into hia mouth, to reinforce his handkerchief, and hogged himself in placid content. Pretty 48 THE AUTOMATIC CLOTHBS-UNE REEL. toon the man's fifth daughter came home from a party, and she, too, perched on the gate ; and, in a moment or two, Alphonso •aid : " Bi , my own Miriam, would I could tell you wliat I feel for you " But ho (lidnt ; for, just as he leaned upon the gate, the gaunt arm reached out and felt for liiin with ai)out seventy-tive pounds of iron, iin>l knocked his breath bo far out of him tl he couldn't shriek until he had run half a mile awuy from the house. And Miriam ran into the house screaming that Al|)hons^ liad a tit. And the pale faced man rose up out of the shadow ami emptied liis mouth ; and as he stood uiid'T the quiet starlight, looking at the gate whoso jiowerful hut delicate me- chanism renelleil every ounce of weight over 130 pounds, a look of iuetfable peace stole over tlio jvxle face, and the smile that rested on the ([uiet features told that the struggle of a lite time was ended in victory — and a gate had been discovered that could set at naught till' oppressions of thoughtless young people. The Automatic Clothes-Llne Reel. No one wiio lived in linrlin'^toii that year can ever forijet the first practical test, th^t was ni:ido of the famous "Domestic Auto- matic' clotiics-line reel. It was a curious and iiowerful nit of uieclianism. ami was the invention of a man who lived ou Barnes- gtreet. This man used to ho grievously af- flicted ln'itnuse tlieScamlinavianlady who su- perintond(;d tiic weekly wash-day ceremon- ies at lin house always took great pains to leave a uvt-"oik of clothes-lino spread all around ids hack yard. A'ld when he made oomplaint to hur abont it she addressed him inthf niiis'cMl accents of Christine Nilsson's native language, and overwhelmed him with a torit nt of oloijuence that he could not un- derstand. And when he remonstrated with his wife ami d.uiuhter thoy laughed him to gconi, nnd his daughter, who was educated at Vas^ar, an 1 c in hustle iiei' terriiied i)arent out of the h.mse with one hand, told him if he interfered any more in that department ai'ouud that house he"d get drowned in the wash tub. So tliia man suffered. One bitter cold winter morning he ran out to the woodshed after some kindling, and the first line caught him under the chin and pulled his neck out till it was a foot long, and he ran into the house and frightened his wife into tits by his terrible appearance, and she threatened to apply for a divorce if he ever made faces at her that way again. It was nearly three hours before his neck shrunk back to its natural size. And a few nights after that, he was all dr ssed to go to a party with his family, mad he went bounding down the back yard to see that the alley gate was fastened, and a slack line caught him amidships, let him run out the slack, and then when it hauled taut, just picked him up, tossed the breath out of him, turned him clear over, and chucked him down on his back, splitting his coat from the tail- buttons to the neck. And he couldn't move, and he couldn't speak, and he couldn't even breathe, only about thirty cents on tbs dollar, so he couldn't answer his wife and daughter when they screamed to him that they were ready, and they concluded that h* had run away to avoid going with them, so they went off without him, and never came back till eleven o'clock, and the man. lay out in the back yard all that time, trying to die. And one time after that, he was jogging across the back yard with his arms full of about three hundred pounds of hard wood, and he was laughing like a hyena at some- thing he had read in The Ilawkei/c, when a clothes prou slipped just as he passed under the line and dn>pped on his head, raising a luni]) as big as an egg, and as he fell forward another line cauf.'ht right in his mouth, and sawod it clear back to his ears, so that when he smiled the top of his head only hung on a hinge. Well, these things naturally weighed on his mind and depressed him, but they set him to tiiinking, and he went to work and invented a patent clothes-line reel, which was inclosed in a heavy cast-iron box, and was worked bj' a powerful automatic arrange- ment. You only had to wind up the box and set it for a certain hour, just like an alarm clock, and at that hour the reel would go oil, .and pull on the line like a team of mules, the spring hook at the other end of tiic lino would let go its hold, and that line VN ould be rolled up at the rate of a thousand miles a minute. He said nothing about bis invention, but put up the box and told some lie about it to his family, which is away men have, and he set it for 7 o'clock, v. M., and w ound it up strong. Then he watched Miss Nilsson's compatriot run out the line and ad- just the hook, and he went away. About 7 o'clock that evening, while he was toasting his feet at the tire and reading the almanac, the family were disturbed by un- mistakeable indications of a tight going on in the back yard between a hurricane and an earthquake, in which the earthquake appeared to be getting a little the best of it. The affrighted family lushed to the back door and looked out upon a scene of devasta- tion and anarchy. The air was full of fraff* ments of linen, and cotton, and red flannd^ while shirt buttons, clothes pins, and littie brass buckles, were flying like hail. The reel D the iroi evolution ground lik ine was U )f runawa: rying to l wsts they Qore than irhile whe a the iron irhite shii rarn soc ibiags, a md she( ihps, jusf rildly, an il the yar ooked wo was dre ihneked i "Somel id the ma: Good rou taken "No!" The mai eft. He iaught th( lands, an( ied eyes o erked thr uivering lis glisten >orch. They g >orch, ami lis coverir ud quick! ramewori heir skill ogether : loneless, i adly at h chair on rinning i attling h ony legs, ag head Lnd thus ut a dual loth of h or the sl< esh, and eut cigar rink unle ight at 1: f wicked raming t ip after i family, mad yard to see and a slack im run out id taut, just out of him, d him down m the tail- ildn't move, nldn't e¥en its on th« 3 wife and him that uled tliat h« ti tliem, so never uame nan. lay out ying to die. ras jogging i-ms full of lard wood, a at some- </c, whea a isseil under , raising a fell forward mouth, and tliat when ' hung on a iveighed on it they set work and ee), which II box, and tic arrange- p the box ist like an reel would a team of her end of that line thousand about his 1 told some 9 a way men p. M., and itched Mis8 ine and ad- 'hile he was 'eading the jed by un- going on in me and an earthquake best of it. I the back of devaata- ull of frsff- ■ed flanndj and little The reel INSPIILiTIONS OF TRUTH. a the iron box waa making aboat 60,000 evolutiouB a minute, and was whirling kfoand like a thrashing machine, and the ine was tearing around the posts like a streak )f runaway lightning, and the clothes were irying to keep along with it, and around the )0st8 they were ripping, tearing and snapping Qore than any cyclone that ever got loose, irhile where the line shot into the hawse-hole n the iron box, the striped stockings and wliite shirts and things, and flannels, and ram socks, and undershirts and more faings, and aprons, and handkerchiefs, md sheets and things, and pillow ilips, just foamed and bulged, and tossed rildly, and ripped, and tore, and scraped, un- il the yard and air were so full of lint that it coked worse than an arctic snow storm. Oh, t was dreadful. It was terrible. Everybody ihneked iu dismay. "Somebody's at the clothes line !" scream- id the man's daughter. " Good heavens !" yelled the man, "hadn't rou taken the clothes in ?" "No !" chorused the women. The man thought he would save what was eft. He sprang at the clothes line. He aught the flying hook at the end with both lands, and the next instant, before the terri- ied eyes of his wife and daughter, he was erked through the hole in the iron box, a uiveriug mass of boneless flesh, while lis glistening skeleton fell rattling upon the Hitch. They gathered his frame work ofif the Kirch, and unlocked the box and drew out lis covering. He was not dead, so deftly lud quickly had he been removed from his ramework. They sent for the doctors, but ! heir skill could not avail to get the man j ogether again, and now lie sits, limp and ] loneless, in a high-bacl%ed easy chair, smiling adly at his grinning skeleton, which sits in chair on the opposite side of the fire-place, rinning sociably at its counterpart, and iittling horribly every time it crosses its •ony legs, or scratches the top of its glisten- ag head with its gaunt, fleshless fingers. Lnd thus that poor man will have to drag ut a dual existence until death comes to foth of him. It is a painful, expensive life, )r the skeleton eats just as much as the esh, and the flesh has taken to smoking ten eut cigars, and the skeleton can't sleep a irink unless it has a big hot whisky every light at bed time. And all this is the result f wicked, Mricked carelessness. « A terrible raming to women who leave the clothes-line p after dark. Iniplntlona of Truth. Every year, so oft as the 22Dd of February comes, the day sacred to the memory of the father of his country is faithfully celebrated by two good boys of Burlington, who, if their lives are only spared, wiU yet be second editions of the immortal G. W. Last year, it was noticed by every one about the house, they were unusually good. They stayed home all the morning, and talked about Washington, and how he broke the mule and girdled the sassafras tree, and how good he was, and what a pity it was he had no middle name. Along in the afternoon their mother sent them to the church, where there was to be a festival, with a basket filled high with sweet home-made bread, and cold boiled ham, and roast chicken, and one thing and another. They took hold of the basket and plodded soberly and goodily toward the church. As they started down Division- street they saw a boy coming toward tliem whom they knew. He was the son of a neighbour, the blacksmith's boy, with whom they had a feud of long standing ; for on divers occasions he had caught these good brothers out, separately, and had rudely assaulted them, and fairly pounded the hair ofif their heads. He was a little too healthy for either of the boys alone, but the pair had sworn to make it lively for him if tiioy ever I lighted upon him together. So soon as they saw him they put down the basket and gave chase. He girded up his I loins and fled, but the boys got themselves ; up and pursued after him and pressed him I hard, and after a rattling chase of about two j blocks, they encompassed him round aljout in I a vacant hit.and fell upon him, and smote liim insomuch that he begged for mercy and I screamed for succour until he was black in the ' face. Then the victors, joyous returning ' from the fray, with light steps sought their long abandoned train. Imagine their dismay I when, through the gathering twilight gloom, , they saw somewhat less than one liundred j and hfty thousand dogs, half buried in the [ \ basket, dividing and devouring the sutler i stores contained therein. There was precious ' little left when the dogs were driven away, ' and the boys went home exceeding sorrowful, ^ but hopeful. Their mother met them at the ' door, and took the empty basket from their hands. ^ " Who did you give the basket to? "she asked. ,^ "Mrs. Featherstone, dear ma," replied the ^ elder George Washington. ■% "And what did she say?" asked their > mother, for Mrs. Featherstone is an authority ' in ohnrch festivals. " Oh," chorused both George Washing* fO SPIRIT PUOTOGRAPHT. toDi, " she said it wm the nicest basket that had come in all the afternoon." " And," added the younger George, feeling that he wasn't doing himself ji\8tice if he didn't get in an independent statement, " Mrs, Lamphreys said she would give any- thing in the world if she could make such white bread as yours — she said it was wonder- ful how you done it. " '* Now, did she say that ? " cried the de- lighted woman ; for at the last sociable Mrs. Lampreys said her bread was like bass-wood •Iitbs. "And Mrs. Middlerib," cried the elder G. W., fearful lest his younger brother ahould find favour and be exalted over him, "said that there wasn't such chickens any- where in the State of Iowa outside of that basket. " -1. 1 then the younger held the age again, and tlie older chipped one, and the younger saw him and raised him, and then the older came in, and the younger stayed right by him, and they told all manner of things and compliments about and from all manner of peujjle who were at the church, until the good woman, astonished and delighted at her sudden popularity, determined to co to the sociable, although she had not intended to do so. Slie went, and she looked in vain for her cake and ham and ehicken. She return- ed home at an early hour, and roused her young George Washingtons from the sweet, innocent sleep of childhood. Then she took s skate strap, and after a brief but pointed cross-questioning on the evidence alreadj brought forward, proceeded . The rest is too awful. Spirit Photography. It must have been nearly three years ago, as nearly as we can remember, just about the time Monfortand Hill got to photograph- ing ghosts, that a tall, pale man, with pierc- ing black eyes and long hair, came to Bur- lington and opened a photograph gallery. He was a spirit photographer, and when his •itters received their pictures, for which they were expected to pay very roundly, lo, the ■pirit faces of dear ones wlio had gone before •lustered around the face of the party whose photograph had been taken from life. There were plenty of people in the learned city of Burlington who were as fond of believing in ■upernatural things as are the outside barbarians. So credulous men and women thronged to the spirit artist's ■tn<lio, the spirits came up to be photograph- ed around their mortal friends by squads and platoons, and worldly dross, in the shape of a fluctuating and irredeemable currency, Soured into the artist's coffers, and he was appy. Among others who went to his • 1 Mill :•(><■ studio, was a yed yonng man who is a genius. He. . used to get home till two o'clock in the morning, because he was down in his office, he told the folks, buinipg ths midnight oil, and committing the yearnings of a restless and ambitious genius to paper. He was supposed to be writing a book of poems, and, consequently the fair ones who were privileged to enter the circle of his acquaintance, doted on him. When he went to have his photograph taken, the dearest girl in the world, the one who tells him what nice hands he has, and who rubs his head when his long hours of lonely study makes it ache all the aext day, accompanied him. He told her on the way down that he ex- pected when his counterfeit presented itself on the albumenized card, the spirit • faces of Byron, and Hood, and Macaulay, and Shak- speare, and Tom Shelley would rise and cluster around him. She gasped hyster- ically, and, looking proudly at him, said she believed thej would too, and wouldn't it be nice ! But he only sighed glo«»mily, a« genius always sighs, and they entered the studio. While the young man was posing himself the professor told him that those who were nearest and dearest to him in his lonely hours would gather around him and kiss the clustering curls on his marble brow, and that no earthly power could keep them out of the camera. The young lady reiterated her inion in regard to the "niceness" of such arrangement, the young man put on a of genius and gazed into the camera with the air of a man who is wondering where he can borrow three dollars ; the artist dived under the cloth and iu due time he stepped to the front with the picture and exhibited it to the poet and the adoring girl. Spirits ? One or two of them. ' Right iu the center was the young poet, gazing dreamily out into vacancy. And the spirits who cheered him in his lonely hours of study, and assisted him in the conflagration of the midnight oil, gathered around him, and never stirred or faded, not even when the poet ejaculated, " Oh, lying horrors ! " nor yet when the young lady shrieked and fell fainting with her hair caught in that forked thing tlie ar- tist stands behind the subject to keep his head steady. For on the right of the poet there stood a spirit M'ith a long slim neck whose name appeared to be '* Whisky Cock- tail," and on the left there was a short, squatty spirit who was announced as just plain " Gin," and then, clustering all around the young poet's head, like an aureola, were "Straights," whatever they are, "Grass- hopper Punch," "Log Cabin Cocktail.*' "Old Tamarack,' "Eye Openers, "" Appe- WRITING rOB THI PBI8S. nan who it a home till twn he waa down , buinipg th« the yearnings iuB to paper g a book of air ones who circle of his Vhen he went . the dearest ells him whal il)S his head udy makes it ipanieil him, that he ex- -sented itself pirit- faces of y, and Shak- )uld 1 ise and sped hyster- at him, said d wouldn't it gloomily, a»i entered the )sing himself those who in his lonely and kiss the ow, and that em out of the iterated her ess" of such f«n put on a the camera dering wh«re s artist dived he stepped to xhibited it to in the center mily out into cheered him and assisted nidnight oil, r stirred or ejaculated, it when the inting witli ling the ar- te keep Ids of the poet ^ slim neck hisky Cock- as a short, ced as just g all around ireola, were e, " Grass- Cocktail,"' . •8," "Appe- tizers," "Night Caps," "Can't Quit*," "Corpse Revivers," "Coffin Nails," "In- dian Cocktails," " Mountain Dew, " "Ben- zine," "The New Drink." "Fly Poison," "What Killed Dad," " The Same," " Fast Freight," "Bran'an Wa'r," " Slierri'neg," "Sudden Death," "Crusade Drops," "Com- missary No. 3," "Old Crow," " Tangleleg," "Fortv Hod," "Grim Death," " Jimson Juice," " Chain Lightning," "Twelfth Reso- lution," "That's on Me." "Temperance Tract," "Quinine," and several other spirits who were too far in the oackground to show their cards very distinctly. The young man didn't take another sitting, ami he has since spent more time trying to convince "her" that f'ns spirit photography is the greatest humbug that ever deluded a credulous people, than he ever spent with the spirits who share his lonely hours of midnight toil. Writing for the Press. Professor Matthews, in his delightful book, "Hours with Men and Books," devotes a jhapter, and a very instructive chapter too, to advising and directing people who are determiniMl to write for the press what to write and liow to say it. But even in that special cliapter Prof. Matthews has over- looked quite a number of important points which we, in our experience with occasional newspaper contributors, have come to look upon as absolutely essential to good corres- pondence. We have had, even in the usually infallible Ilaickcjie, some complaint, oi ce in a while, from occasional correspondents about mistakes which have appeared in their articles when they come out in print. We are aware that in many cases the fault was our own, but we are confident all such trouble] could be remedied if correspondents would f pay a little more attention to the prepara- tion of their manuscript. Printers are not always infallible, and proof readers do some- times make mistakes, but we have prepared a few practical hints and instructions, and if people who write occasionally for the papers will only observe the f(dlowing simple and practical rules, which are much easier to observe that Prof. Matthews', they may be assured that their articles will always command the highest market price, which is seldom less thiii^ two cents a pound : Never write with pen or ink. It is alto- gether too plain, and doesn't hold the mind of the editor and printers closely enough to their work. If you are compelled to use ink never use that vulgarity' known as the blotting pad. If yon drop a blot of ink on the paper, lick it off. The intelligent compositor loves nothing so dearly as to read through the •mwir this will mftk* acrou twenty or thirty words. We have seen him hang orer such a piece of copjr half an hour, swearing like a pirate all the time, he felt that good. Don't punctuate. Editors and publishers prefer to punctuate all manuscript sent to them. And don't use cppitals. Then the editor can punctuate and capitalize to suit himself, and your article, when you see it in print, will astonish even if it does not please you. Don't try to write too plainly. It is a sijj;n of plebeian origin and public-school breeding. Poor writing ia an indication of genius. It's about the only indication of genius that a great many men possess. Scrawl your article with your ejes shut, and make every word as illegible as you can. We get the same price for it from the rag-man as though the paper were covered with copper- plate sentences. Avoid all painstaking with proper names. All editors know the fuU name of every man' woman, and child in the United States, and the merest hint at the name is sufficient. For instance, if you write a character some- thing like a drunken figure "8," and then draw a wavy line, and then write the letter M and another wavy line, the editor will know at once that you mean Samuel Morrison, even though you may think you mean "Lemuel Messenger." It is a great mistake to think that proper names should be written plainly. Always write on both sides of the paper, and when you have tilled both sides of every page trail a line up and down every margin, and back to the top of the first page, closing your article by writing the signature just above the date. How editors do love to get hold of articles written in this style. And how they would like to get hold of the man who sends them. Just for ten minutes. Alone, In the woods, with a gun. Lay your paper on the ground when you write; the rougher the ground the better. A dry goods box or the side of th .ouse will do if the ground is too damp. Any thing rather than a table or desk. Coarse brown wrapping paper is the best for writing your articles on. If you can tear down an old circus poster and write on the pasty side of it with a pine st||k, it will do still better. When your article ia conipleted, crunch the paper in your pocket, and carry it two or three days before sending it in. This rubs off the superfluous pencil marks and makes it lighter to handle. If you can think of it, lose one page out of the middle of your article. The editor can easily supply what is missing, and he loves to do it. He has nothing else to do. ne si DAN0CB8 or BATHINQ. If correipondents will observe these direc- tions, editors, in most instan^'es, will hold themselves personally responsible foreverv error that appears in their articles, and will pay full claims for damages when complaint u made. We shall never forget the last man who complained at the liawkeye office under this rule. We can never, never, al- though we should live a thousand years, for- get the appalling look he turned upon us while we were ftuUing his lungs out of his ear with the nul-grab. Our heart seemed to turn to ice, under the influence of that dumb bese'eching look, while we tore him to pieces. We have never torn 9 man to pieces since without feeling the hot tears spring to our eyes as we think of that man. Wt> have been tempted, time and again, to break our- selves of this habit of tearing men to pieces for trivial causes. But we digress. We were merely saying we are always happy to receive complaints and correct any errors for which we are responsible. Dangers of Batblng. As the warm weither raises the waters of the creeks and riven to the temperature so inviting to the boys of the republic, a few instructive and general suggestions relative to bathing in the streams may prove the means of saving some juvenile lives. Boys are proverbially rash and reckless in almout everything they do, and are so apt to over- do whatever they undertake, except sawing wood or fastening the front gate, that too much wholesome advice on the beneKta of abstinence can never be amiss in their cases. And especially ia such advice necessary iu regaril to bathing, for when a boy makes up his mind to "go swimming," he think of nothing in the world ex^'ept getting into the r.ater. And every year so many precious lives are endangered, and so much pain and misery caused by boyish carelessness and thoughtle^sueso in this respect, that it is a solemn and important duty of journalism to warn the boys of the dangers that wait upon bath'ng parties, and instruct thvm how to avoid them. We therefore give a few rules, culled from the pages of personal experience, which, if properly observed by the boys of America, may save them no one can tell how much misery and suffering. 1. Always ask your mother if you may go down to the river with the boys to bunt car- nclians. Mention the namei) of Sammie Johnson, and Robbie Gregg, and Ellis Haskell and Johnnie Chalmers, and Charlie Austin, and Wallie Colborn, and Dockie Worthington, all well-known "good boys," who wash their faces every morning, keep Mteir clothes cleao, wear white collars, ana don't say bad words, as tha young gentlemen who are to comprise the party. A judicious and strict adherence to this rule has often obtained the necessary parental permission to visit the river shore, which would otlici wise be sternly denied, especially if it should ap- pear that Bill Slamup, and Tom Dobbins, and J:m Sikes, and Butch Tinker, and Mickey McCann, were the alternates who were confidently expected to represent the first named delegates in the convention. 2. Avoid going into the river in the vicin- ity of a lumber yard. The temptation to take pine boards from the lumber piles to swim on is too strong for many boys to resist. It is very pleasant, we know, to swim around on a nice broad plank, but the lumbermen do not always like it, and we have known a rough board, abruptly drawn from beneath the horizontal figure of a kicking, {laddling, laughing boy, to fill him with remorse .-ind slivers to an extent that would a-^pear incredible were It not for the fact that the boy who loses his plank in this way has plenty of time to count his slivers as he pulls them out. We knew a boy, twenty years ago, who swam off a pla k in this waj', and innnediate- ly afterwant.s ^.it down on the sandy shore, and amid the unfeeling laughter and mock- ing sympathy of his colleagues, withdrew from his cuticle, beginning at the chin and ending at the tofs, fliree hundred and seven- teen well-developed average slivcrn, and four of a larger variety, denominated snnjis. And sometimes we wake up in the niglit, from happy dreams of childhood's guileless days, and half believe we didn't get all those slivers out then. 3. Avoid piittini» a bar of kitchen soap in your pocket before you leave home. It fre- quently giv( s the bather away entirely, being quickly missed from the sink, and readily detected about the person. And evtii if you gt)t it safely to the river, and X\w lirst boy who "soaps himself " does not luse it in twenty feet of water, the " stroky"' a|ipear- ance of your hair, on your return home, instantly betrays the recent and extravagant use of resin soap, and grave conseqiui ices are apt to follow. Besides, you do not reully need the soap, as is attested by your well- known aversion to it at home. 4. If convenient, bathe very near u railway bridge. Then, when a passenger train comes thundering b\, you can rush out of the water and dance andflirickon thebank. Travellers like this ; and if your uncle Jasper, from Waterloo, or your father returning from Creston, should happen to be on tho train and recognize you, they will tell you what the pikssenuers said about it, and your father will ue so pleased that he will assist you in a gentleman judicious has often mission to otiici wise hould ap- Dobbins, ker, and lates who resent the ition, the vicin- )tation to er piles to 3 to resist. ill! around :)ennen do known a 1 beneatli [)a(WIirig, noise .-tud d a-jjpear t that the way has 8 he pulls ago, who luuediate- 1(1 y shore, iiiil tnock- witlidrew cliin and ah\ seven- , and four iij^s. And gilt, from less (lays, [)Be slivers 3n soap in . It fre- ely, being d readily yen if you L! tirst boy nso it in , ' appear- in home, tiavagant Lie noes are not really dur well- a railway ain oiinies the water I'lavellert per, from ling from the train y<<u what DUi' father t you in a THE POWER or DIGNITY. » little physical exercise, so essential to the health after bathing. And then the next time you go in swimming you can show the boys your back — a spectacle in which they will take fiendish delight, which they wiU exhibit by imitating, in most expressive pan- tomime, the contoiirons, gestures, and outcries in which you were supposed to have indulged while your father was putting that back on you. 5. If yon desire to get up a crowd to go swimming, sigrify your wishes by olding up your right hand, with the first and second fingers erect and spread apart like a letter V. and as many good boys as are ready, willing and anxious to run away and go with you, will respond by the same sign, and the party can easily be made up without fear of detection, in the presence of the un- suspecting preceptor, who is a graduate of a private school, and never had any fun. 6. Should any boy be so lost to honour as to desire to leave the water before the rest of the crowd wisV t» do so, he may be easily induced to return to the liquid element by gently tossing a handful of dry sand or dust upon his back, as nearly between the shoulder as may be. If there is a really good, unsophisticated boy in the crowd whose habit of wearing a white collar and carrying a clean handkerchief pronounces him a haughty aristocrat, the bad boys, by getting dressed first and judiciously applying the sand to him as often as he " comes out can keep him in the water until his father comes to look for him. Then, the next after- noon he goes down with you to the river, you can look at his back, and have your revenge. 7. If a boy lingers in the water too long, it is sometimes ailvisable, in order that he may learn to abstain from indulging himself to such an intemperate extent in the future, to tie each sleeve of his shirt in a most ter- rific liaril knot, ritjlit at the elbow. When this knot is dipped into the water, and a boy gets at each end of the 8le«:ve, braces his feet and pulls for life, it may be drawn so tightly that it oan not be drawn out with a stump machine. The boy wiio belont's to that shirt, after many vain endeavours, is either com- pelled to out off the sleeves, or, multis '•itm Idchriiinis, yo home with it buttoned around his neck and hanging down his back like a drunken apron. This gives him away, bad, and the appearance of that weeping boy, plodding timorously and apprehensively homeward through the gloaming, and the variegatoil aspect of hia back the next night, produce such a pleasant impression upon you, that for twc weeks afterward, as your dear mother looks in at your room door, and sees you smiling in your sleep, ithe thinks the angels are whispering to you. 8. The most approved method of drying the hair is to shake it up rapidly with a pine stick. Never comb your hair Smoothly before going home, no matter who offers to Ic«»n you a pocket-comb. A slick head of hair excites suspicion in the family circle on sight. 9. If, at the supper-table, the dreadful discovery is made by your mother or sister that your shirt is wrong side out, the best way to do is to own right up. Excuses are •useless ; and no mother or father of ordinary intelligence was ever misled by the assertion, however solemnly made, that the shirt was turned by reason of the boy too suddenly climbing a fence instead of going through the gate. 10. To get water out of your ears, lean your head over to one side, and kick out violently with one leg, while you pound your head smartly with the palm of your hand. It is an exploded fallacy that holding a warm stone to the ear will bring out the water. There are some other rules which might be added to the above, but they are compara- tively unimportant, and are so generally known that you can learn them by ap- plying for information to the first bad boy you meet. The Power of Dignity. The human heart, in all its expansive, lim- itless capacity for enjoymeht, takes greater pleasure in nothing than in witnessing a portly, solemn- visaged man, the embodiment of natural dignity, importance in clothes, administer a scathing rebuke to some "smart" petty government official. One morning just such a personification of innate dignity loomed up at the stamp window of the post-office, and glared in gloomy and ma- jestic displeasure at the busy clerk who reg- istered a letter before he sprang to the win- dow and asked the stately customer what he wished. The great man did not answer for several moments. He gazed steadily and impressively over the clerk's head, and then asked, in ponderous tones : " Is there any one hear-r-r-e who attends to business ? " The embarrassed clerk blushed, faltered for ii moment, then, recovering himself, said, with characteristic and national cheerful- ness, becoming an official of the Republic : "I will see, sir." And he disappeared. He went into tho other departments, tortured a carrier with an original conundrum, and heard a good story in the mailing room, and came back, " Yes, sir," he said to the great one, 54 A CANDID CONFESSION. "there are, in addition to myself, three clerks in the letter department, one in the mailing room, four carriers, three route agents, the mail driver and a janitor. " "Ah-hrh! lam glad there are so many. I may in all that number find one who is at his post." And then he looked as impressive as a special agent, and was silent for three min- ntes, while the humbled clerk awaited his orders, and impatient men behind him fidg- eted and grumbled. Finally, the great man said with deep solemnity : ''I wish one three-cent stamp." The clerk tore oflF the stamp and held it, waiting for the consideration. The great man made a somewhat longer pause than us- ual ; he felt in his various vest pockets ; he cradually lost his look of impressive rebuke; his chest caved in, and he assumed the as- pect of an ordinary frail mortal, and he said : "Ah — the fact is — I'm sure — ah — in short, I find that I have carelessly left my purse at home — can you kindly — " The clerk with the faintest suggestion of triumph in his eye, brusquely waved the great man aside with — "Sorry for you, sir ; but the clerk wlio sells stamps on credit is not in. What does the next man want ? " The great man, as he backed through the smiling crowd who stood around with money in their hands, felt somehow that his rebuke had been thrown away, and feared that if the case went to»the jurj' without argument it would very probably bring in a verdict for the Government. A Candid Confession. There used to live down on Washington- street, a good man, who endeavoured to train up his children in the way tliey sliould go, and as his tlock was iniinerous he had anything but a sinecure in this training busi- ness. Only last summer the elder of these male olive branches, who had lived ivbout fourteen wicked years, enticed his younger brother who had only had ten years' experi- ence in boyisli deviltry, to go out on the river in a bont, a sjjccies of pastime which their father liad many a time forbidden, and had even goiu; so far as to enforce his veto with a skate strap. But the boys went this time, trusting to luck to conceal their depravity from the knowledge of their pa, and in duo time they returned, and walked around the house, the two most innocent looking boya in Burlington. They separated for a few mo- ments, and at the expiration of that time the elder was suddenly confronted by his father, who requested a private interview in the usual place, and the pair adjourned to the wood shed, where, aftei a brief, but higlily spirited performance, in which the boy ap- peared most successfully as " heavy villain " and his father took his favourite role of "first old man," the curtain went down and the boy, considerably mystified, sought his younger brother. "John," he said, "who do you suppose told dad ? Have you been licked ?" John's face will not look more peaceful and resigned when it is in his coffin than it did as he replied : "No, have you?" "Havel? Come down to the cow yard and look at my back. " John declined, but said : " Well, Bill, I'll tell you how father found us out. I am tired of acting this way, and I ain't going to run away and come home and lie about it any more. I'm going to do better after this, and so when I saw father I could- 'nt help it, and went right to him and con- fessed. ' Bill was touched at this manly action on the part of his younger -brother. It tound a ten Jer place in the bad boy's heart, and he was visibly affected by it. But he asked : "How did it happen the sld man didn't lick you ?" " Well," said the penitent young reformer, "you see I didn't confess on myself, I only confessed on you ; that way the way of it." A strange cold light glittered in Bill's eye. " Only confessed on me ?" he said. "Well, that's all right, but come flown behind the cow shed and look at my back. " And when they got there do you suppose John saw the first mite of Bill's back. Ah no, dear children, he saw nothing bigger thaii Bill's fists, and before he got out of that locality he was the worst pounded John that ever confessed on any'jody. Thus it is that our coming reformers are made and trained. A Burlington Novelette. ruArTEH i. " Marguoritte ! " " Bortrande Hiutville Montaigne du Bif- fin gton ! " And the soughing of the September wind 8wej)t through tiie tremulous leaves like the whisper of memories, ghosts of the far away had been. Each star that lit the azure dome with plittering ray — er, ah — or — er — with glittering ray Hay. It looked like rain. cuArrKK II. Margueritto Hortense Isana I'Krena del Impcratricia du Calincourt Johnson was an orphan. Her father was dead. , And, also, by the way, her mother. Her groat grand parents wore not living. the boy ap* ^y villain " )le of "first . and the ought his m suppose 3aceful and va it did as 5 cow yard ,ther found way, and I home and bo do better ler I conld- m and con- y action on It found a irt, and he e asked : man didn't g reformer, self, I only pay of it." 1 Bill's eye. lid. "Well, behind the ou suppose back. Ah ing bigger out of that L John that 9 it is that d trained. lie du Bif- Tiber wind PH ]ike the (! far away izure dome — er — with l*]rt'na del on was an er. ot living. A BURLINGTON NOVELETTE. 55 Alas, no. The cold clods rattled on the coffins of those estimable people when Margueritte was young. She was not ac- quainted with the fact until the good people had been dead some seventy-five years. Then kind friends, whose hearts were torn sad rifted with oympathy, broke the news gently to her. She sat like one stunned. Over her mar- ble face there passed no trace of the emotion which raged like a high fed cyclone in her soul. She said : — " Did they leave me anything?" And they told her, " Not a stiver, dear, not a lone nickel ; not a street car check ; not a solitary red, red cent. Only an old photograph album with the covers torn off and the pictures lost. Yon are badly left. " And then the fountains of the deep were broken up and she wailed in the bitterness of her agony. " Why, oh, why did they die? Why did they die ? Why did they die and leave me — leave me — leave me nothing ? " A deep manly vsice, resonant as a vesper bell when it is pealing for the fray, answered from the next room, " I give it up." Let us draw a veil over the dreadful scene. CHAPTER III. Bertrande Hcutville Montaigne du Bif- Hngton was not an orphan. He was an Ancient and Excepted Odd Fellow. Ho was of a noble and numerous parent- age. He had one mother, and she was a Chicago priutcess. She used to hold brevier cases ou The Dalbf Tomahairk. She liad ten divorces, noatly framed, hanging up in her parlour, and Bertrande, whf)se own original father had died if an hereditary attack of arsenic in the sciup while his divorce suit was pending, was successively ilogj^ed by an illustrious line of jjatcrnal incunibeiita, ami acknowk'dgod the sway (if (tne fatlior, full rank, and ten fathers l)y brevet. He loved the lonely or[)han, who had no parents wliat- evcr, from asonseof natural duty and justice, to kind of even the thing up and stiike an equitable average. CUAITKU IV. There is only one place where nature does not abhor a vacuum. That is under a Con- gressman's hat. CHAPTER V. , Night had come. It got in on the evening train, and was late as usual. The drowsy bat was on the wing ; or, rather, the wing was on the drowsy bat. Both wings, in fact, were on the d.b, Down in the mossy glade, where deepening shadows mock the starlight's gleam, she waits. Her Italian marble brow is clouded with a weight of sorrow. Her finely-chiselled chin is still ; the plastic chewing gum, pasted on the trunk of a rugged oak, cools and hardens in the evening air. The firm tread of a manly No. 9 comes crashing through the woodland. 'Tis he. "Bertrande!" "Marguerite!" They said no more. They could not. Thay had forgotten the rest of each other's names. They sat in the deepening shadows of the gloaming, holding each other's hands, and trying to think of something nice to say. Suddenly his delicate nostrils quivered and trembled with a startled light. "Marguerite!" he exclaimed, "we must fly! I hear the sound of native applSjack upon the evening air! M'ff! m'ff!" "Oh, hevings!" she cried, "it is, it is me long lost fathyer!" "Then," he exclaimed, drawing a United States regulation cavalry sabre from his bo- som, " I am lost!" "Oh, no, not lost," she said in earnest tones ; " go straight ahead till you come to the Haivkfijc ofhce, then turn up Market- street two blocks and follow the street car track south until you smell beer. Then you will know where you are. Fe-ly! Fe-ly! Me fathyer comes. " "Methought," he said, pausing in his flight, and speaking sternly, " methought thou haddedest not a father. ' " I haive, I haive," she shrieked, "and it is he!" And as she spoke a fatherly looking man parted the bushes and stood by her side. He was clad in a dark-blue out-away coat, wi^li a button-hole bomiuet, white ve^t, lilac kids, lavender pants, a pink neck-tie, waxed tnous- tache, and a high hat. His boots were four and a lialf ; his snowy handkeroliief wasper- fuined with jockey club, and bis breath with whiskey sour. He was twenty-one years oM. Bertrande regarded him sadly, and said to her he lo\ ed: " It seems to me your father is rather ju- venile. " " Dear Bertrande, " .she said, laying her hand upon her father's shoulder, " he married awful young." "Ail," said Bertrande, bitterly, "I thouglrt may be you had adoi)ted him." And turning on his heel he was gone. -56 A. REMINISCENCE OF EXHIBITION DAY. A Rwnlnlaoeaoe of Bxbibitton Day. "Well, no," the boy said, "the thing didn't CO off ozactly as I expected. You see, I was the sixth boy in the class, that was next to the head when the class formed left in front, and I was pretty near the first boy called on to declaim. I had got a mighty |;ood ready and had a bully piece too. Ah, it was a rip staver." And the boy sighed as he paused to lift a segment out of a green apple, and placed it where it would do the most good, for a chol- era doctor. We asked what piece it was. "Spartacus to the Gladiators, " he said. " Just an old he raker of a piece. 1 got it all by heart, and used to go clear out to the Cascade to rehearse and hook strawberries. Old Fitch " — Mr. Fitch was the boy's precep- tor, one of the finest educators in the state — ' ' he taught m 3 all the gestures and inflections and flub drubs, and said I was just layin' over the biggest toad in the puddle. " " Excelling all your competitors, probably Mr. Fitch said," we suggested. "Yes," the boy replied, "he's a toney old encyclopedia on the patter, is old Fitchy. But him and me was both dead sure I was goin' to skin the rag off the bush " " Win all the honours," we gently correct- ed. " Yet ' he said, " ami the way it went off was bad. You see, I didn't feel easy in my Sunday clothes on a week day to begin with. And my collar was too tight and my necktie was too blue, and I was io a hurry to get off early, solouly blackened thetues of my boots, and left the heels as red as a concert ticket. And the crowd there was in the school-house. Jammed. Every body in their good clothes and every body looking solemn as Monday morning. When my name was called some- thing came up in my throat as big as as a foot-ball. I couldn't swallow it and I could- n't spit it out. And when I got up on the platform--oh, Godfrey's cordial ! did you ever see a million heads without any bodies?" We felt ashamed of our limited experience while we confessed that we could not recall haviny witneHstd such a i)henonienon. •' 1 nev.'v ilid till then." the boy went on, but they W( ii; there, for a fact, and I began to reintMnlicr when these heads danced round and round tin; room that I IkuI been forget- ting my i|iicce in the last live minutes just as fast as 1 over forgot to tix the kindling wood at niglii. I'mt 1 commenced. I got along with ' It h.ul lieen a «lay of triumph in Cap- ua," and 'LtMitulus returning with viotorious eagles' and :dl that well enough, but when I got on into the heavy business, T was left, sure. If S|)artacu8 hud talked to the gladi- ators as 1 ilid, they would have thought he was drunk uud hustled him ofT to bed, It was awfuL I stumbled alon^ until I cam* to ' Ye stand here now like giants as ye are. Thestrength of brasi is in your rugged sinews, but to-morrow some Roman Adonis, breath- ing sweet perfume from his curling locks, wul with his dainty fingers pat your red brawn and bet his sesterces upon your blood?" "That was excellent, capital," we said, applauding, for the boy had growled off th« last sentence like a first heavy villain. "Oh yes, it is though?' he said, with some asperity. " Well, that's the way I was going to say it that Friday, but what I did say was, ' The strength of brass is in your rugged sinews, but to-morrew after- noon (you see I got to thinking of a bass ball match) some Doman Aronis breathintr sweet perfumery from his curly socks, wiu pat your bed rawn and bet his sister sees your blood.'" " Did they laugh?" ws asked, " Oh no :" he replied, with an inflection that type won't take. "Oh, nj; they never smiled again; they didn't. It was when I got down a little that they felt bad. When he says, ' If ye are beasts, then stand here waiting like fat, oxen for the butcher's knife.' I told them' ' If ye be cat fattle, then wait here standing like a butcher for the carving knife. ' And I got worse and worse until it came to this, ' Oh, Rome, Rome, thou hast been a tender mother to me. Thou hast taught the poor timid shepherd boy, who never knew a harsher tone than a flute noto, to gaze into the glaring eyeballs of the fierce Numidian lion, even as a boy upon a laugh- ing girl. Though hast taught him to drive the sword through rugged links of mail and brass and warm it in the marrow of his foe !" " Bravo !" we sheuted. "Cheese it," he said, sentenliously; "I didn't say it just that wiy. I said, ' Oh Rome, thou has ten a bindei mother to me. Thou hast taught the poor boy who never knew a sheep note to glare into the laugh- ing ear of a fierce Numidi.an eyeball even as j a lyin' boy at a girl. Thou hast taught him ! to mail his ragged brass through swords of link, and marry it in the warmer of his I foe !" ' " And then ?'" we asked, \ "I cried," he said, "and went down. • Everybody was cry'n'. They all had their faces in their handkerchiefs or behind fans, and were shaking so it nearly jar/ed the school houw." "You sBould practice elocution during vacation, "we suggested, " and you will not fail again." He bolted the rest of the green apple, threw his bare feet up in the air, and walked around i have no And ing to le each of MR. OLBNDORFS COMPL.JLINT. intil I cftin* Its M ye ar«. ig^ed sinews, onis, breath- urliDg locks, lat your red upon your il," we said, wled off th« illain. ) said, with he way I was t what I did brass is in orrew after- ^ of a base IS breathinc socks, win s sister sees %n inflection ; they never was when I bad. When n stand here cher's knife. ' then wait r the carving t'orse until it le, thou hast Thou hast •d boy, who a flute note, of the fierce pon a lau;;;h- liim to drive of mail and rrow of his Liously; " I I said, ' Oh other to me. f wlio never 1 the laugh- ball even as taught him ;li swords of mer of his i-ent down. 1 had their ehind fans, jarjed the ion during nm will not roen auole, around on his hands in little circles. "Don't have no speakin' in vacation," he said. And we knew that, boy-like, he was go- ing to let the day and the morrow take care each of its own evils, and we wondered as we came away how many fathers would recognize their own boys in the hero of this ■ketch, and if dear old Fitch, the oldest boy, with the clearest head and the tenderest heart we ever knew, would remember him. Eind 1 app walk ed Mr. Olendorfs Complaint. Younc Mr. Olendorf used to board at a nice boarding-house out on North Hill, a little this side of the North Pole. It was a J[Ood way out; but ?'r. Olendorf was always ond of pure air and pedestrian exercise, and as his business hours were easy, he pre- ferred the comforts of a home in the suburbs to the excitement and clamour of a down- town hotel. A mild-looking, meek-faced, soft-voiced young man was Mr. Olendorf, as ever you could wish to see. He rarely complained about anything, and he never spoke harshly of any one. He would sit on his trunk, when the famdy had carried his obair down to the parlour for the convenience of invited guests ; and he would patiently saw on his shirt-buttons with a darning- needle and carpet thread, rather than intimate to his washer-lady that it wasn't just the thing to run flne shirts through a corn-sheller to wash them. Many a time he crawled into a bed that looked like the crater of an extinct volcano, rather than report the hired girl for neglecting to make it up. And six times a week he cleaned his grimy lamp- chimney with his fingers, as mr as they would reach, because, he said, in the fullness of his charitable soul, the girl had so much to do she hadn't got round to it. And the seventh night in the week, the lamp being empty and dry as a flat bottle on a hunting expedition, he would undress by the dim religious light of a match. He used to wash with a piece of soap four inches long and two inches thick, as brown as varnish, and so hard it chipped the edges of the wash-stand when it was carelessly dropped ; and often and often, when his eyes vere full of soap, and he reached out his imploring hands, groping for tiie short, thin towel that was seldom theio, he had to feol hia way to tlie bed, abradinj; his shins against things tiiat he coulil'iit; sen and didn't know the niuncs of, and ilry liis face and haii' on the pillow- slips. But h<\ never raurnmred. He used to find bright .'•tioaks of led by the dozen in his pomade, ami go down to the breakfast table with his own coal-black lockn as dry as good advice, and marvel at the exceeding glossi- ness and slickness of the hired girl s bright auburn cranium. But he said never a word. And the drouth used to strike his perf umary bottles once in a while, and leave them as empty as a lecturer's head ; and he would wind his modest nasal horn in a handkerchief that smelled like a washtub, and when his landlady's daughter sailed scornfully past him, perfumed for all the world like the ghosts of his toilet bottles up stairs, he never looked suspicions, but only smiled apologetically, as though it was wrong in him to leave temptation in their way. Aud once, when he had an attack of cholera morbus, and sent out for a quart of brandy, and took a tablespoonfnl of it, and came back at night to And the bottle very empty, and the laud- lady's husband very full, and lying in Mr. Olendorfs bed wit'.i his boots on, young Mr. Olendorf only agreed with the landlady that it was very singular, and that the old man must be ill. So you see Mr. Olendorf was inclined to be rather peaceable and meek, and when he did complain there must be some reason for it. One ovening Mrs. McKerrel, his landlady, approached the young man for the p-irpose of securing the weekly dole which lie paid for the comforts of a home, and bracing him- self up by a desperate efl'ort, Mr. Olendorf, for the first time in his life, complained. "It's the hash, Mrs. McKerrel," he said plaintively. "It's too monotonous. It's good hash. I can't say that it isn't good. It is more nutritious than chopped straw, and a prize candy package doesn't equal it for variety. But I want change. I like hash for I jakfast. But when you give us liaked hash for dinner, and put boned hash on for supper, and give us plain hash again for breakfast, and serve stuffed hash again for dinner, it isn't a square deal. 1 believe you impose on us. I never heard of ' stuffed hash ' before I came here, and the only differ- ence between it and the common kind is that it is thinner. The last 'e'^nffed hash ' you gave us you made us eai with steel forks, and it was as thin as soup, and how is a strong man going to make out a dinner when he has only twenty-hve minutea in wiiich to eai soup with a three-tined fork ? And 1 don't think you do the fair thing by us on what you call 'boned hasii.' It's hardly right Mrs. Mc- Kerrel, to make a hash of sardines and herrings and then call it ' lioned.' It'n just like eating a ahoe-bnish. Now tin re ou^ht to be, once in a whilf, a chanf.'o. Not loo of- ten, you know ; 1 don't expert you to keep a French restaurant for seven (Icllura a week, but just often enough to keep the bill of fare from growing tiresome. Say once every seven years. For instance, you may have 'boned hash' to-morrow for dinner, which, it being Sunday, you will. Well, then you might have ' laoned hash' every day until 58 RURAL FELICITY, 1882, and then give as a roiist or a car-sprine chicken. And so with 'stuffed hash, and 'hash a la mode,' and 'hash la Mayonnais,' 'Lady Washington hash,' 'hash on toast,' ' spring hash, with mint sauce, ' and ' hash a la mortar,' and the other hashes on your bill of fare. By serving them up every seven years, you have enough kinds to run clear into a Centennial." The landlady, looking aghast, made an ef- fort to speak, but young Mr. Olendorf mo- tioned her to silence. " And if you would speak to Mrs. Mul- doon, dear Mrs. McKerrel," he went on, " and tell her that, while I am not proud, I do not consider the hickory shirts which the estimable Mr. Muldoon wears, while he is developing the railroad resources of the United States, exactly the things to wear to church ; and, even if I had no other scruples against attending public worship in a section hand's shirt, torn all the way across the nhoulders and fastened at the neck and cu£fs with horn buttons, Mr. Muldoon's are five sizes too large for me, and I would rather she would send me my own. And if you can bribe her to put the starch in my collars in- stead of my handkerchibia, L feel that it will improve the appearance of in her house. Boarders she had kept, of th« very best people and in the hii^hest classes in society, and this was the hrst time she had ever beard a word of jomplaint in her house. And that is the way Mr. Olerdorf hap- pened to call around at the Gorham and ask Andrews for a nice room, a long ways up. And Andrews gave him a key, and told him to climb till he knew he was lost, and then crawl into the first bed he saw. spare the feelings of a laccated and tender j nose. No man, Mrs. McKerrel, can wii)e his nose on a sheet ci:' tin and do the matter jus- tice." Mrs. McKerrel placed her hands on her hips and stcotl up, but Mr. Olendorf begged her to be patient just a moment, while he went on : " And do you think, if I madea chalk mark Rural Felicity. Mr, Philetus R. Throop is a well-known insurance agent of Burlington. He is a per- fect steam engine to work, and every summer, when he feels about worn out by his labours, ne goes out to the farm of his Uncle George and rests a couple of weeks. He irent out last summer, as usual, but he only remained a couple of days, and on his return he was heard to say that he would never, never, go into the country again if he died for a breath of fresh air. The causes which led to this determination were as follows : You see, he got a late start on his last trip out into the country, so that when he reached his Uncle (ieorge'a farm it was about nine my neck, and \ o'clock in the evening, and the family, after on thorn, that your domestic uouM learn the give IJnclo (;eor{.'o and the family !i good dilt'crence between my hair brush and my shoe brush ? And, if I m,ade her i little present, might she not be induced to lookup sonictliiuu else to black the stoves with in- stead of a shoe brush ? It is dreadfully mor- tifying, Mrs. McKerrel, to bbick your shoes after ni^ht, and get clear in church the next morning i)oforc discovering thatyour feet are flisfceniiig in all the glory of ' Plumbago's few Silver (Jrey Lushre, ' and ovorybody is laughing at you. Ami then, Mrs. McKerrel, I don't SCO how my things got so full of snutf. I never use snuff, and I don't want to com- plain, but herself no longer. Hastily thrusting her snuti'-liox back in her pocket, she bade Mr. Olendoif pack. What he wanted, she said, was a Fiftli Avenue hotel for seven dollars a week, and he couldn't haveit in her house. He was too particular for such a plain woman as her ; if ho didn't like the ways of plain peo- ple, he would have to go where they were nicer. He was too stuck up and fussy to live the good ol<l-f ishioned custom, had gone to bed ; not a lighl. was visible about the house. Mr. Throop uot out of the waggon in which a neighbouring farmer had brought him, before they reached the house, so that the uoisy wheels would not apprise .'i/iy waking member of the, fact that a visitor had come. Then he climbed over the fence and skipped briskly across lots to reach the house, and surprise. Mr. Throop was not so familiar witli the farm -.s he ought to have been to attempt sucl'. a nocturnal expedition. He had not gone twenty steps before lie stepped into a groat ditch, and had time to say all he could remend)Hr of the child's prayer, "Now I lay me," before he reached the bottom, and then had plenty of time to c<>!Mp<)se and repeat a much more appropriate and longer one before he crawled out again. Aftor that he went more slowly, picking his steps wi*-' the greatest care, and strniniug Ips eyes as he ])eered into the darkness to distinguish noxious objects. But it was very dark, ,!nd Here the exasperatedinatron could restrain | of course appearances were unusually dect;t- ful. He would walk around a patdi of young clover or luxuriant turf, his heart standing still the while with the terror of having so narrowly escaped walking into a great well, and the next minute he would, after peering ahead of him until his eyes ached and sparks of tiio danced before them, walk with .the greatest confidence and composure into a pile of last year's peabrush seven feet high, cept, of th« best clasam -at time she aiut in her emlorf hap- Eim and ask ways np. ml told him t, and then well-known He is a per- ry summer, his labours, icle George went out remained urn he was r, never, go for a breath led to this his last trip 1 he reached ai)out nine imily, after had gone to t the house, on in which )Uglit hiin, 30 that the (ly waking r had come. itid skipped house, and lily a good so familiar ive boon to litioii. He he stepped ' say all he yer, "Now ottom, and Ml pose and iuid longer Aftor that stop.s wi*'' ii's eyes as distinguish dark, .ind illy dectit- h of young t Btanding having so ^reat well, ber peering uid sparks k with .the into a pile feet high, THE QARDBK OF THE GODS. tif' knocking off his hat, scratching his face and tearing nis clothes. And then such a time as he would have hunting for his hat, and all the imaginable and unimaginable things that he would pick up in mistake for that useful article of apparel, can be far better imagined than described. And once he ran into a fence and nearly put his eve out on the end of a great stake that was standing out like cue point of a chevaux de /rise. And just before he got to the barn-yard he was amazed to discern a creek flowing between him and the fence, and after vainly hunting in the dark for a bridge, he pulled off his trousers, and, holding the bundle of clothes high in his arms, waded across a stubbletield ! so dry, every foot of it, that he might have lighted a match on it anywhere. He thought every tooth he had would chatter out of his head before he could get into his clothes again. Then he got into the barn-yard. He knew it was the barnyard after he got into it, because in less than a minute after he had climbed the fence, he fell over a slumbering cow, and before he could get up, the frightened animal rose to her feet and bucked Mr. Throop over her head. Then he heard a cow get up just Vjefore hiin, and another just behind him, and two or three on the right and left, and when a cow with a bell that could be heard two miles got up and began galloping around the yard stirring up the rest of the cows, Mr. Throop would have willingly given up the best risk he had ever taken for a lantern. It wasn't safe to stand still, so he took his hat in his hand and went along, swooping it around him in great circles, shoutiuj; " Swoosh 1 Hi ! Hooey ! vScat ! Whish ! Whoosh ! .Ste-boy ! " as he went along. He onlj' hit one cow with his hat, however, and the animal thus rudely assail- ed reached out and kicked him in the groin and doubled him up, and with a farewell tiourish liit him on the side (^f the face with the end of a tail so full of cockle i)Urs that it weighe.l twenty-seven pounds and knocked him so Hat he tliought he never would want to gi't 11]) again. Then he saw wliat ho snp- [losed w as the house, looming up black and (uiet before him and he thought his trou- pes were over. They had just begun. The next minute he stejiped under an open shed where the agricultural implements had bt en stored during the 'vintcr. The first intimation he had of this was i>y failiiu' over a plough. He scraped both shins, from the instep to the knee, across the edge of tiu' share, and one of the handles caught him under the chin and jabbed his head up and back so suddenly that he heard his neck crack, and the other hunched him in the floating ribs and knocked enough breath out of him to start a tornado, in a small way bat on a safe basis. He thousht he never would get away from that plough, for he no sooner got one leg oht of the entanglement of draught-irons, coulter, share and handles, than he got the other one snarled up in n still more hopeless maze of mould-hoard, clevis, sole-plate and beam, besides several other parts that he didn't know the names of. And- when at last he vanquished the plough he lost himself in a cultivator, and wore himself out trying to crawl through the gang of coulters. When he got clear of that he fell in with a reaper and mower, and after prod- ding his instep into indescrihablo agony by thrusting it against the sickle guards as he fell, he caught hold of the reel, which, of course, immediately whirled with his weight. But it chanced that quite a large colony of barn-yard fowls had used the reel as their roosting place during the winter, and as it whirled around the amazed and be<rildered Mr. Throop rained down upon himself a terri- fic tempest of hens and roosters, Brahmas,light Cochins, ungainly Shanghais, and a variety of other breeds in such a tumult of squawk- ings and cackliugs, and flapping of wings, and vague but vigorous clawings of feet, that he didn't care whether he got out alive or not, and, indeed before .le got through with the reel he knocked himself down with its vindictive slats seven times. Then he got away from that and impaled himself on a i horse rake, and fell over the handle rtf a fan- ning mill, and nearly killed himself in tlie horse power of a thrashing machine, and finally got into the house yaid, felt his way to the house, and fell exhausted and speech- less against the front door with a diamond- shaped harrow hanging around his neck. And Uncle George, awakened by the thump at the door, opened an upstairs window and demanded wlio was there, and receiving no i answer shot twice at the recumbent form of I Mr. Throop with his revolver. And when ; they came down with lights and o[)eiit d the door, they were as greatly surprised as Mr. ! Throop C( .lid have wished. Tbe Oardp'xi of the Gods. The people around Barnes-street will re- member when Mr. Middlerib [ilaiited the "garden of the gods." He bought cartloads of rich earth for it, and loaded it with patent fertilizers, and ground and stirred and raked it 11'itil the soil was fine as corn meal. The see I:' were received hy express, and there wasn't a ])ai'knge that didn't have a full college coni-.st! of l^atin printed on the back, and Kir. Middlerib grew bald trying to pro- nounce the fearful a-.id wonderful names of the seed, that were to make the garden of the gous the wonder of South Hill. When 40 THE OARDEN OF THB GODS. ihese ^erma of magnificent flora were planted the neighboors hung orer the fence in silent admi*-«Hon and listened to Mr. Middlerib'e botanical lectures, delivered over every package that was opened. Where the abolutut haciedendus mierobvlus was im- bedded, he erected a larse trestle immediate- ly, for that impetuous climber to ascf^nd and ramble over. And where he implanted the diocantanean psyttachinelienais psoddium, he reared a tall, straight stick for that towering mass of blossom and foliage vo shape itseu against. He refused tha most penetrating hints for a few seeds of the bianthtu geridian psotlolieiisis tfiasticua, flaridems bilthtu, and the care and great gravity with which he earthed the germs of the bibulua Burlingtoniensis gvjanteus brought tears to the eyes of the women. And when the seeds were all planted, how zealously Mr. Middlerib watched and wrought and fought for their protection He would get up in the night to chase the neighbours' cows around the house two or three times, and across the garden of the gods four or five times, and out of the front gate onoe, and return to his virtuous couch with profanity in his heart and mud on his feet, and one slipper down by the cistern and the other in the verbena bed. All the cut-worms in the State of Iowa appeared to be attending a mass convention in the garden of the gods. When the tinner came to Hx the spout, he stuck the ladder by which he ascended to the roof in that sacred ground, and the carpenter who patched the cornice set one of his trestles in the same place. PJvery tramp who came to beg, selected that one favoured locality as the only spot in the world where he might assume the usual humble and respectful position, and rehearse the stereotyped appli- cation for provtnder. Mr. Middlerib nearly wore out his voice shouting at people and cows, and railing at cut-worms, and one Sunday morning he fell asleep in church, and Mrs. M. prodded him with her parasol just as the minister said, in impressive accents, ** And liere we are treading on sacred eroutid." " Git off of it !" yelled Mr. Mid- dlerib, dreaming of the grocer's boy standing on tlie g. (). g., and using his oft-repeated phrase, "Scatter, or I'll bury ye in it!" And it raised such a church scandal that Mr. MidiUcri!) was obliged to double his sub- scription 1;o keep in good fellowship. Rut after ina:iifold troubles, the garden came along licauUfidly, only the plants acted a little (lueer. The climber refused to climb, bave in a lioriz.nital position, but after its own way ; and in all general directions on a horizontal plane it manifested a disposition to crowd all over that part of South ifo the found e aroun HilL The diocanUmtan pgyttachinelietui paoddium scorned the straight stici by which it was expected to brace iW-4, grows self, and grew out in crooked branches lib oath Hill » garden oak. But the tender care it rt f^Qre w ceived, and the rich earth in which it wa „q^^ ^| planted, showed what wonders cultiva ^ broug tion will do, and when, at last, Mr. Middle • ^ huti rib, after long and manfully holding on .^[^^ q{ against the declarations of the envioa ^^^^ neighbours and the hints of his wife aoi r Midd daughter, was obliged to sit down on tb -xj^ g^j^^^ porcn, one lovely summer evening, an( ^^^ admit that he had wasted enough breath V YjhH make a tornado, and filled the air wit) ^j^^^ of vociferous and murderous threats and vituper < ^^^ ations, and (jnarrelled with three-quarter ^ of his ac(juaintances, all for the sake o ^ raising a jimson weed, it was nevertnelea a jimson weed nine feet high, with blossonu as big as inflated sun-flowers. So he let thi jimson weed stand, and argued with ever one who came to the house that, with suf ficient care and proper cultivation, it could be developed into a fruit-bearing tree. Ai for the abolutoa haciedendws microbulua, ai soon as he was morally and botaniisdlj 'Jngi^ie's certain that it was just chick-weed, Mr. „„afiiu Middlerib one night secretly pulled it up and threw it away, and ever afterward professed to be heart-broken because some rascally, envious florist had come up from Keokuk and stolen the choicest climber in the Mis sissippi Valley. The hianthus geridian psottoliensis giatticus, florklenn bilthus never showed itself until toward the lattei- part of June. Then it thrust up a delicate, fragile little sprout, drank in a little of the glad free air and pure sunlight, heard itself Cidletl by its full name, and drooped under the burden and died. The bibulua Burliiujtoniensisgiganteui came up ani did well. It did not flower very abundantly, but it developed very marked qna'ities. The chickens came up and pecked at it, and then laid them down under the curraut bushes and closed their eyes upon this world of sorrow and my sterious plants. The pigs got into the yard and rooted a little of it up, and their sudden demise gave rise to the rumour of the hog cholera, and the air of the hill was vocal for the next five days with the protests of healthy porkers against the popular modes of treating the hog cholera, such as boring holes along the spine with a red hot iron and splitting the ears and tail and rubbing in salt and cayenne pepper. And after Master Middlerib fooled with it and Jtot some » photoci of it on his face, which immediately swelled Iplinted o up so that nothiug was visible to his eyes, and his eyes were visible to nobody, for nearly a week, the wonderful plant was pulled up with the kitchen tongs and thrown There w; Imost peri lounce his n atheist lar which reat dist reatest hi rinciple unately bout by anocent ather war imfortal)! hich he e became Dlenmly (i asket in l> into an ponderoi rho shoul 8 the basl elt in his irasn't tht ud felt in yes of tl im, and \ iihi't tin(i iiskot ma 1) the left locket of ervousne vhioh rol oundc'^ i he Apoci lore ner ve' the ( usiue cos letters, a tring, ai elt like ( M elbow iraight Stic Wl'o"°d jt. ate it. grew fat brace to It ■; er care it rt which it wa iders cultiva Mr. Middle r holding on the envion his wife ani down on tl evening, anfl )ugh breath i "^ the air witl itsandritup«r three-quarter the sake B nevertnelea with blossomi A TRYING SITUATION. ft lie the alley, where the geese of Soath ~ on it, and une around and asked for more. Nothing bra^ch^r lik *** v^ST.'' "°^®'' *'^" heavens can kill a "^ ^nth Hill goose. There were other plants in the garden of e gods that came up and grew to maturity ud Drought forth blossoms each after his ind, but as they turned out to be various )ecies of rae-weed and frog-fennel, they ere not coimidered %7orthy of mention by , Ir. Middlerib, But he is disheartened rvith scientific gaideniug, and he only lives ow for one object : to ascertain whether ese Latin names are really the scientific ames of those plants which they set forth, r he was swindled by the travelling seed gent. er A Trying Situatton. There was a time when Mr. Bilderback was Soheletthi /'^^ , ,^ ^ „,. r^uv, [most persuaded to :ut oti his pew rent, re- ounce his religious convictions, and become n atheist or a pagan, he wasjoot very partic- lar which. He was for many weeks in reat distress of mind, and professed the reatest hatred of all churches, on general rinciples. Tliis state of afiFairs, which for- unately was not permanent, was brought bout by a very annoying, though perfectly anocent occurrence. One beautiful but ather warm Sunday morning he was dozing }d with ever? lat, with su ation, it could ring tree. Ai microbulua, ai d botanioillj ck-weed, Mr. illed it up an( ^ard professec jome rascally, from Keokuk 3r in the Mis' ■thus geridian bilthus never omfortably in his pew, in the church of rhich he is onu of the main sleepers, when became aware of an apparition gliding lattel°part of "'®°'"^y '''*'^'» the aisle with a collection elicate, fraeilt 3 of the glad •d itself caUeil ler the burden iensisgigantem id not flower veloped very ens came up d tliem down d closed their row and my. nto the yard i their sudden ir of the hog was vocal for 3 protests of )pular modes ch as boring red hot iron and rubbing And after and uot some ately swelled to his eyes, nobody, for il plant was ) and thrown asket in its hand. Mr. Bilderback braced p into an erect posture, cleared his throat in ponderous tone of Roman firmness, as one rho shouUl say "Who's beeu asleep ? " And 8 the biisket was extended toward him, he It in his trousers pocket for his wallet. It ifasn't there, and as he withdrew his h:^nd, ud felt in the other pocket, he felt that the yes of tlie whole congregation were upon im, and that was all he felt, for he certainly iiiu't rind any pocket-book. He nodded the askot man to wait, asecoud, and leaned over i» the left while he felt in tht right inside ocket of his coat, from which in his growing ervousness he drew half a dozen chestnuts vhich rolled over the floor witli a rattle that oundr>^ in his hot ears like the thunders of he ApO(^aly*^)se, and made him warmer and iiore nervous than rer. Then he leaned »Te" the end of me pew and felt in the other usuie coat pocket and drew out a bundle of etters, a lot of postal cards, a circus tichet, photograph of an actress, a funny story >riuted on a card, a pocket comb and a long tring, and his face grew so warm his breath elt like a hot air blaat. Then he squared tis elbows and went for hia vett pooketi, and strewed the pew cnahion with quill tooth* picks, newspaper acrapa, street car checks, » shoe buttoner, some lead pencil stubs, and crumbling indications of chewing tobacco, a bit of se^ng wax, a piece of liquorice root about an inch long, and three or four matchef^ Then he leaned forward and, stung to mad- ness 1^ the smilea which were breaking out all around that church worse than the measles in a primary school room, dived into his coat tail pockets, and drew forth a red silk handkerchief, two apples, a spectacle case, a pair of dog skin gloves, an overcoat button, and a fine assortment of bits of dried orange peel and lint. Then he stood up, devoutly praying that an earthquake might come along and swallow up either him or the rest of the congregation, he didn't care much which, and went down into his hip pockets, from which he evolved a revolver, a corkscrew, a cigar case, a piece of string, a memorandum book, and a pocket knife. By this time Mr. Bilderback's face was scarlet clear down to his waist, and he Mas so ner- vous and worked up that he nearly shook his clothes off, while the man with the bas- ket couldn't have moved away, if he had died for staying. And when Mr. Bilderback in forlorn despair, once more rammed hia hand into the trousers pocket where he began the search, the congregation held its breath, and when Mr. Bilderback drew forth the very pocket-book, which he had missed in his first careless search, and had since all but stripped to find, there was a jigh of relief went up from every devout heart in that house. But Mr. B derback only dropped into his seat with an abruptness that made the windows rattle, and registered a mental vow that he wasn't going to come out to church again to be made a fool of by*a man with a long handled darning basket. Hr. BUdertMick Loaea his Hat. "No," Mr. Bilderback said, "it wasn't.'' He put it there last night, the last thing be- fore he went to bed, he remembered most distinctly. It wasn't there now, and he iidn't know who had any business to move it. Somebody had done it, and he hoped to gracious that it would be the last time. Somebody was always meddling with his things. Mm. Bilderback, uoming down stairs with a weary air, asked if he had looked in the closets ? •^"Closets?" Mr. BUderback snarled, " Kingdom of Ireland I Does any sane man put his hat in the cloaeta when he wants it every time he goea out ? No. I hung it up right here, on tbia very book of this particu- lar rack, and if it had been left alone, it MB. BILDUIBAGK LOSI8 HIS HAT. would be ther* now. Somo of yon moat h*ve muved it. It hasn't got legs and couldn't get away alone. " Master Bilderback BngG;e8ted that it wouldn't be very surprising if it felt its way along fur a little ways, for which atrocities hi was rewarded with a wild glare and a vicious cutf trom his unappreciative parent. Then Mr. Bilderback said, " Well, I suppose I can walk down town bareheaded," Well, that was the usual formula. Every body knew just what it meant, and as soon as it was said the family scattered for the regular morning search. Mrs. Bilderback looked in all the closets with the air of John Rogers going to the stake, and then she went into an old chest, that had the furs and things put away in it. and was only opened twice a year, except when Mr. Bilder- back's hat was lost, which occurred on an average three times a day. She shook pepper or fine out tobacco or camphor out of every- thing she picked up, and varied her search back, he helped hunt, toa Hia system o conducting a search was to go around int< the back yard and play "tosa ball " up against the end of the house, making myste rious disappearances, with marvellous celerity behind the woodpile or under a large store box, so ott as he heard the mutteringa of thi tempest that invariably preceded and an nounced his father's approach. But Mr. Bilderback. His was a regular old composite system of investigation ; it com bined and took in everything. He raged through the sitting-room like a hurricane he looked under every chair in that room and then upset them all to see if he mightn't possibly have overlooked the hat. Then he looked on all the brackets in tlie parlour, and behind the window curtains, .and kicked over the ottoman to look for a hat that he couldn't have squeezed into a wash -tub, And he kept up a running commentary all the time, which served no purpose except to warn his family when he was coming and by the most extraordinary sneezes that ever i give them time to prepare. He looked, into issued from human throat, while ever aud , the clock and left it stopped and standing anon she paused to wipe her weeping eyes ! crooked. And he would like to know w ho and say that "well, she never." Mrs. Bihler back's search for the lost hat never got be- ?'on(l that chest. She would kneel down be- ore it and * \ke the things out one by one, ftnd put them back, and take them out, and aneeze and sigh, and wonder occasionally " where tlie liat could be," but her search never went beyond the old moth proof chest. Miss Bilderback contiued her search to the uncut pages of the last Scrihtur, which she carefully cut and looked into, with an eager scrutiny that told how intensely interested ahe was in finding that hat. She never varied her method of search, save when the approaching footsteps of her father warned her that jie was swinging on his erratic ec- centric in that direction, when she hid the magazine, and picking up the corner of the piano cover looked under that article with a aweet air of zealous interest, exclaiming in tones of pretty vexation, ' 'I wonder where it can be ?" Ami it was noticeable that this action and remark, both of which she never failed to repeat every time her father came into the room, had the effect of throwing that estimable but irascible old gentle- man into paroxysms of the most vio- lent passion, each one growing worse than its predecessors, until they would culminate in a grand burst of wrath in which he order- ed her to quit lookiltg for his hat. Then she would retire with an injured air and tell her mother, between that indefatigible searcher's aneezes, that " one might wear one's self out alaving and looking for pa's hat in every con- ceivable place, and all the thanks one got /or it was to lie scolded." Master Bilder- touched that hat. He looked into his daugh i tor's work-box, a sweet little shell that i " George " gave her, and he emptied it out j on the table and wnndci ed what such trump- ery WHS fo)-, and who in thunder iiid liis hat. I " It must be hid," he said, jieering down with a dark, suspicious look into an odour i bottle somewhat larger than a thimble, " for i it couldn't have got so completely out of sight by accident." If people wouldn't med- dle with his things, he howled, for the bene- fit of Mrs. Bilerback, whom he heard sneczinir as he went past the closet do^r, he would know just where to find them, because (look- ing gloomily behind the kitchen wood box) he always had one place to put all his things (and he lifted off the lid of the spice-box), and kept them there. He glared savagely out of the door, in hopes of seeing his hope- ful son, but that youthful strategist was out of sight behind his intrenchuients. Mr. Bilderback wrathfully ••esunied his search, aud roared, for his daughter's benefit, that he would spend every cent lie had intended to lay out for winter bonnets, in new hats for himself, and then maybe he might be able to find one when he wanted it Then he opened the door of the oven aud h)oked darkly in, turned all the cdothes out of the wash basket, and strewed them around, wondering "WfO had hi«l that hat?" And he pulled the clothes-line off its nail, and got down on his hands aud knees to look behind the refrigera- tor, and woudered "who had hid that hat ; " and then he climbed on the back of a chair to look on the top shelf of the cupboard, and sneezed around among old wide-mouthed family 1.1 !!■ Bystem o around iQt( toaa ball " up naking myatC' ellous celerity, a large store tteringa of the leded and an was a regular Ration; it com He raged a hurricane ; n that room, if he mightn't lat. Then he tlie parlour, and kicked a hat that he a wash -tub. nimentary all jose (fxcept to 3 coming and e looked into and standing to know v\ ho ito his daugh- le shell that iptied it out t such trump- r liid liis hat. leering dowu ito an odour himble, "for letely out of I'oubln't nied- for the bene- eard sueezinu r, he would ecause (look n wood box) all his things le spice-box), ed savagely iig his hope- ■gist was out iiients. ]Mr. his search, bencHt, that ad intended new hats for it be able to m he opened I dark^'^ in, I'ash -basket, leiiug "wfio pulled the lown on hia he refrigera- ; hid that ie back of a c cupboard, de-mouthed MIND RBADINO. 68 bottles and pungent paper parcels, and won- dered in mufiSed wrath, " who had AtcZ that hat ? " And he went down into the cellar and roamed around among rows of stone jars covered with plates and tied up with brown paper, and smelling of pickles and things in all stages of j)rogre88 ; every one of which he looked into, and how he did wonder " who had hid that hat." And he looked into dark comers and swore when lie jammed his head against the corners of swinging •helves, and felt along those shelves anil run his fingers into all sorts of bowls, containing all sorts of greasy and sticky stuff, and thumped his head against hams hanging from the rafters, at which he swore anew, and he peered into and felt around in barrels which seemed to have nothing in them but cobwebs .and nails ; shook boxes which were prolific in dust and startling in rata, and he wondered "Avho had hid that hatf" And just then loud whoops and shouts came from up stairs, announcing that " here it was." And old Bilderbiick went up ntairs grouliny, because the person who hid it hadn't biou<^lit it before, and saw the entire family pointing out into the back yard, where the hat surmounted Mr. Bilderback's cane, whi';h was leaning against the fence, "Just where you left it, pa," Miss Bilderback explaim>d, " when we caJled you into supper, and it has been out there all night." And Mr. Bilderback, evidently restraining, by a violent tffort, an intense desire to bless his daughter with the cane, remarked with a mysterious manner, that "It was mighty singula!, " and putting on the hat, he strode away with trreat dignity ; leaving his wife and daughtt^r to re-arrange the house. Mind Reading. One morning, about the middle of the spring term. Master Bilderback miide his ap- pearance at school with a subdued manner apparent in all his actions, while a cast of sadness min]b;le<l with traces of pleasant mem- ories overspread his countenance. It was, in short, tliut general expression of penitence \H)ich peojile assume after a lioliday of more than usual hilarity. Hia (^uiet manner astonished the scholars and alarmed his teachi r, who feared tliat it was a portent of ■omie unusual mischief, and kept her eye upon the ' '. in consefjuence. He did not appear to be conscious of the surveillance uuaer which he was placed. He bent no pins, he chewed no gum, he tired at the a^l- jaoent scholars no projectiles of masticated paper during the morning; no dismal but subdued cat calls were heard from the vicinity of bis seat; no grotesque grimaces made his neighbours laugh with uncoiinterfeited glee ; restful were bis feet, and quiet the tiugers which wrre wont to drum on the desk four minutes out of every five. Master Bilder- back was either in some deep aiMiction or he waa ill. There was aomething wrong about him. It tranapired, along toward noon, when Maater Bilderback's spirits began to rise a little, that he had indeed passed undtr the rod, with hia father at the other end of it, during the evening previous. The waters of affliction had >;oue over his soul, and his back had gone under the sole of his mother's slip- per. It seems they had company at Mr. Bil- derback's that evening, quite a large party, in fact, and the conversation turned on mind reading. The discussion became very spirited, Mr. Bilderback being the leader of the party wliich avowed its belief iu meameiic influ- ences. The usual arguments of learned length and tliundering sound were hurled bach and forth, Mr. Bilderback winning es- pecial distinction ))y the clearness with m hich he ))roved that, in certain esthetic conditions of the mental and physical system, the pecu- liar i)sychic forces which always exiat<:(l in a latent state, were roused into an active t;on- dition ; and the action of the intellect uj.on the cereljrum was felt in the cerebellum, and transmitted by mesmeric condition to the candelebra. where the psychomatic trans- fusion of the (icciuital parietis made the Ego as cogniz.ant of tiie mutation and genuflexions of the non-Ego, as though the psychic modi- Hcations really impinged upon the same ganglion ; and the nerve along the ganglia of the two systems, transmuted l)y a touch of the hand, were, and could only be, identical. And Mr. Bilderhack's party said, "Yes; what could you say to that, now ?" And thi, other party shook their heads and said, " Ves ; but that was only a theory, after all ; they would like to see the hypothesis demontrated. " And at that critical junc- ture, Master Bilderback, who had l>een an attentive listener, s]joke up, iu his rough, horrid style, and (leclared that "that wasn't nauthin';"' that the}' tried it at school, a:<t' he couM let the boys hide things and then lead them right to the place where they were hid. The excitement ran high for a few moments, ami Master B. waa closely cate- ciiised, but he never varied from his original story ; and they finally determined to try him. Mr. Tweesdlc, a young fellow who dotes on poetry and Miss Bilderback, was the first subject. He announoed that he was think- ing of a certain object, and by the way he looked at the mind reader's sister, every- body thought they knew what it was. But Master Bilderback sei2e<l him by the hand, led him out in the hall and up to the hat- 64 A EkVH BIT. rMk, followed by the entire company, »nd reaching his hand in Mr. Tweedle's overcoat pooket, drew forth a bag contaiaine a pound of Bausages, half a dozen eggs, and a couple of rusks, remarking, "There, that's what you're thinking of." And just at that moment he certainly was, although he shook his head in an idiotic manner and laughed feebly, while all the rest of the people never smiled, but only looked at each other and said, '* Why, how funny !" This sad affair cast a gloom over the entire community for a few momenta, but the people rallied and demanded another test. There was a general reluctance on the part of the visitors to take a hand in it. and so Mrs. Bilderback was prevailed upon to bfj a sub- ject in the course of scientidu experiments. As soon as she had assumed a pensive ex- pression and announced that her mind was wholly oecut>ied with one subject, to the ex- clusion of all other terrestrial things, the boy gra8{)od l»er by the hand, and away they went, sailinsi up stairs, follo\v(?d by the en- tire congre^^ation. The mind-reader mar- shalled them into a room, and leading his HubjcHit straight to the bureau, drew from a small drawer a false set of teeth and a bottle of hair dye. Mrs. Bdderback shrieked, the comjiany l()f)ked grave, and some of the ladies declared to each other that well now, they never did. There was another brief season of gloom, which was dissipated by Mr. Bilderback de- claring that as neither of the subjects in the two experiments they had just witnessed had denied the accuracy of the mind-reailer's judgment, he would sub- mit to the test himself, (jlreat applause greeted this determination, and as Mr. Bilder- back, with a glance that threatened a mas- sacre if there were any tricks played on him, placed his h;.' I in that of his son, the con- gregation rose en masse to follow where the mind-reader mi<^ht lead. Master Bilderback placed his hand against his father's forehead for a moment ; then he placed it against his own and remained for several seconds in a thoughtful posture, and then led his reluctant parent, followed by the company, out of doors, and, calling for a lantern, which was provided, they went into the wood shed, where the mind reader, despite several stealthy nudges from his parent, reached his hand behind a pile of hickory knots, and drew forth a whiskey bottle nearly a foot long, flat as a board, and about half full. Then a shadow fell upon the community that not even the cordial good nights that were exchanged at the door could dissipate, and, after the footsteps of the last reveller had died away in ihe distanoe, Master Bilderback held two separate private seances with his parents, the remarkable manifestations of which occasioned the subdued state of mind and unusual depression of spirits which wer« so painfully apparent in the young man ths following day. A Safe Bet. One night last winter old Mr. Balbriggan, who lives out on Columbia-street, had occa- sion to make a journey out to the wood shed to get the hatchet. It was very dark, and, as there was no lantern about the house, Mr. Balbriggan took a kerosene lamp, and, shad- ing it very carefully with a big tin pan, started out to the wood shed. The wind was rather uncertain and gusty, and Mr. Bal- briggan had some misgivings about his get- ting out to the shed without accident ; and every time the lamp flared his mind misgave him. " I'll bet a dollar that lamp'U blow out," he muttered when the first gust came, but he shied the tin pan around with great promptness, and the lamp steadied down. There came another gust and a bigger flare, and the chances for the lamp going out im proved so decidedly that the old gentleman promptly raised his first stake. " I'll bet a dollar and a half," he muttered, '"that lamp blows out. " Then the wind lulled a little, and as he hurried on toward the shed it was so quiet that, while he didn't quite lose all confidence, he began to hedge a little. " I'll bet fifty cents," he said, " it'll go out before I get hack." Another gust and a Hare. "I'll bet two dollars tiiat lain)> l)]o\vi out," mut- tered the old gentleman again, chipping a little higher as the chances seemed to grow V)etter ; but again he saved the light by the time'y interposition of the tin pan " I'll bet three dollars," he ciied v.itii great earn- estness, as the next gust came, ' ' this lamp'U blow out," but there were no takers aad the lamp rallied again. But a still stronger gust fairly lifted the flame out of the top of the smoked chimney ; and the old gentleman hissed in a hoarse, suppressed whisper, "I'll bet five dollars tjjis lamp'U blow out." But it settled down to work once more, and did very well until Mr. Bal- briggan got very close to the woodshed ; when the wind rallied and came at the lamp from two or three directions at once, and the old gentleman fairly shouted, I'll bet ten dollars this lamp'U blow " and just then the door of the woodshed blew violently open, hitting the lamp and the tin pan, knocking them both out of Mr. Balbriggan's hands, and striking the old gentleman a ter- rible blow in the face that made him see more lights dancing in the air, for about a second, than even the lamp could send forth. And whUe he held his nose with one hand and groped around with the other to find stations of ate of mind which wer« ig man th« Balbriggan, ;, had ooca- ! wood shed dark, and, house, Mr. and, shad* J tin pan, le wind was I Mr. Bal- it his get- ident ; and nd misgave nip'll blow gust came, with great ied down. igger flare, ug uut im gentleman ' I'll bet a 'that lamp d a little, lied it was te lose all ttle. "Ill ) out before Hare. '"I'll out," mat- chipping a d to grow ^ht by the n "I'U great earu- ne, "this ! were no n. But a flame out ^ ; and the suppressed ^id lamp'll 1 to work il Mr. Bal- vuodshed ; t the lamp ■e, and the '11 bet ten just then violently ' tin pan, vlhriggan's man a ter- le him see )r about a lend forth, one hand 9r to find YOUNG MR. COFFINBlSfeUY BUYH A DOG. 66 where he was, there came from the house door the voice of the eldest juvenile Bal- briggau, falling through the darkucss like a falling 3tar : "Kaise hiiu out, pa. r-uae hiui him out ; make it a huudrud dollars ; you've got a dead Hure thing on it ! " The Lay of the Cow. SwiU'h endue Lotiita, "B. C. U & M.," Was BlowituiT up Front Str-ot nbout three I'. M. When the stoker looked out of the window to say, " There's a (.'ow goinir 'crods the t-r-a-c-kay." Pensively lialtedtho cow <m the track, Buro on tier luMident tail, bi'dn ui) herbuuk : Dreaming u[ Suniniei', ylit; seeaied uol to see. The aypro.v(;h ijf the switoh e-n-g-l-n-e. dog, and he tried to read all the signs, and crawl under all the waggon8,an(l dive between every body's legs as he went along. And the first thing he knew, he had a cuittract on hand that was much too big for him, and he Wiw just about crazy over it, for he wasn't the dog to give up, if he was young, and he stuck to his work like a Trojan. And this was what made people ]au,i;;li. The young I man who was leading liim had just lifted his , hat to some lady acrjuaintauces who were I passing when the dog, looking up, misunder- stood tl)e motion and thought Ids master was going to hit him adiff witii that hat. With I the natural instinct of self preservation, the 'Tlieresho is now,' ■for tlio now."' cried, shy, timid young thing dashed between the young man's legs and ran to the length of his tether ; tiie.i he ga''e a terrified howl and 'riliuo ! Qh, ! darted back in the opposite direction, going outside the youuj; man's right leg. Then, with a terrified yelp it sprang back between the legs again, circled around and came down outside the left leg. Then it ran rapidly around the young man, dived through his never hoided nor tliought that her j legs agaiu and ran around him once and a half iu an opposite direction, and his last manceuvre closed the performance, for it wound the dog completely up, with his frightened face laid close against the young man's knee. Mr. Coflinberry blushed to his ears, and replacing his hat, began the task of extricating himself from the toils that art- ful dog had cast around him. But the ani- mal's confidence was not yet entirely restored, for at every movement of Mr. Cotfinberry's hands, he squirmed and writiied and pulled back on the string until he was olutked, and coughed and gasped in a manner moat terrifying to the people not tlioroughly People lifce I their eyes above their mufflers acquainted with the symptoms of hydropho- one raw Novviiulier morning as they walked \ Ida, and the young man was naturally as down JefFer.son street, andsiuilo I and grinned, i badly frightened, when these paroxysms and lauglied even unto hysterical weeping, j became very lively, as was the dog itself. It s they wat ;iic.l the ti>ils(tme and uncoitain 1 was fifteen minutes before the snarl was progress of a patient young man who ha I i disentangled. Then before they had gone bought a dig .uul wis leatling" his property lialf a block further, that dog, after having Once more spake i lie stoker. "Buliy," thi^ ciKinij jr (juolli, ' And rcvcr-tiiii? \\\a engine he shoo !" Said the sioiicr, "Oli, shoo't the see-oh-double- vou." Shrilly the whistle shrieked fo^th ifaalarm, d the SI swarm ; But thtt c 'W star Was setting at fo'ir miles an li-o-u-r. Tlie awiU'h en -me struck hor about amidships. And hersuiiiinerdreains lOf. with at >tal eclipse; ft mangled ti r carcase, most shocking to see, And threw her down Front s-t-r-doubie-e-tce. Siadly the engineer drew in his head. And "pulled her vvid^ouen." asonvvardhe sped; Bat the St )ker smiled gayly, "Old fellow," said he, "There's some cheap porterhouse s-t-a-k-c.'" 'That isn't, the way to spell por erhouse steak, but thf. ri,'lit way wouldn't rhyme. Young Mr. Coflanberry Buys a Dog. home. It was a nice enough kind of a dog, one of tile kind of dogs whose mouth begins bav:k close to tlie shoulders. It had dread- fully long legs, this dog, with great knobs of knees, and its restless tail had a dejected droop, as though the dog was just heart- broken at the idea of leaving liis old home. The young man was leading the dog along with a vei y long string, oue end whereof was tied around the dog's neck. The only trouble with the do^ was that he was young. He had not attained the years of discretion. He couldn't trot placidly along thinking of things. He couldn't walk at his master's heels with a face as solemn as though he expected to be sausage before Thanks^ving Dftj. He WM » Dflryous, fidgety, inqauitive rushed into and been forcibly, and in some instances rather petulantly, dragged out of every doorway on the line of march, incon- tinently shot down a cellar grating, where he was immediately clawed and scalped by a cat as big as a soup box, and was also nearly garrotted by his master draw- ing him up out of the cellar by the cord, for all the world as though he was a well bucket. About thirty steps further on, the dog ran between a clergyman's legs, got frightened and ran around him once and then dived between his master's legs, then rushed out towards the curb stone, but changing his mind, circled back and scooped in a blushing school teacher, »nd then gued uuon the mis* chief he had wrought, with hiaeone howli» A MODSIUl G09UK. The bystanders thought <^bey never could get out of that entanglement. The minister de- elared alternatively that " he never did " and moreover that "well he never;" the blushing school teacher remarked " good gracious," and suggested also, "dear me," and, furthermore, " well, 'low ;" and the young man said something ao<m^ the dog being damp, which was highly improbable as tlie morning was very raw. By dint of a great deal of persuasion and pulling and hauling, however, in ^hich they were greatly assisted by the dog, the unhappy trio were finally separated and went their way, making itoeffectual efforts to look unconcerned. Then the dog wrapped himself up around a lamp post ; then he got through the hind wheel of a grocer'? waggon five or six times, back and forth, around a difiereut spoke every time, while his master was talkmg to the grocer, and the latter drove oif before ths young man noticed what arrangements his dog hc.d con- ciudeil with the wheel, and JefTcrson-street IK as edified by the spectacle of a dog wound up to a waggon wheel and revolving rapidly with it, while a young i.\an of pleasing ad- dress ran alongside the wheel and adiled his agonized appeals to the iialf-sti.'led wails uf the hanging pup. They got the waugon stop- pod and got the pup loose, and tiio young man, wearied with the long struggle, reso- lutely turned toward the store, and walked rapidly away, the unhappy dog lying prone on his hack, gaspin^^ and pawing the air, while the hoys wlio witnessed the strange procei^sion made the welkin ring with cries of "Dog'sa chokin ! mi«ter,yer dog's achokin!" But young Mr. Coffinberry knew that so long as his dog was helplessly sprawled on liis back he couldn't wrap the inhabi tarts of Burlington up in perspiring, distracted groups, so he t apt on the even tenor of his way, and wh**.! he finally untied the string from the animal's neck and turned him 1< e in the store, there wasn't so much hair ou that dog's back as wouhl make a tooth brush. A Modern Ctoblin. A dreary, cheerless Christinas Eve. The dead hour of day, when the pale twilight falls over the earth, still and eolourlcKS as a shioad. Down t!ie long vistas of de8erte<l streets but here and tlujre the feeble rays of ■ome Btru(;irling light dcnnis through the gray twilij^lit, pale as the glitter of a jowtl on the lirow of death. Across the dull waste of sky the ghostly clouds fly before a piercing wind, which whirls ;>nd tears tlieir edges in- to fluttering fringes. The uloan.ing fades ■lowly ai>d almost imperceptll)ly into night. Away back from the town, out on the bleak hillsides, the lenftess tt-^es toss their bare Atm*, gauht iiKftn«|i agaUfflt'the pallor of the sky, the twayins; branches answering theii >ells chii mocking shOidows, dancing like spectres os bh« bleak the frozen ground ; while the witheredphutters. leaves rustle Tike very shudders. The hour, neither light nor darkness, neither day nor ni;,'ht, ^hat, with weird, indescribable magic, draws you from the cheery grate to press your face against the cold window, and dream out into the gray light, peopled {lea all j ng the iti totl'esh iisaitpea rassals o in auswe ill possil with spectres and visions — often grotesque, lorpulen but never merry — that come trooping from every shadow. (Monies a rosy little face framed in tangled tresses — ah, long, loug un folding years must roll l>aok to take you to the time when the laughing eyes looked into yours; tonight you reroeniVier — dear child — the dimpled handi were crossed on the pulseless breast, when you were a boy ; and the cheerless winter landscapes, the dreary hills of snow, and the leafless forests stretch away, mile after weary rnii«, between your home and where the Christmas winds sigh plaintive monodies over her little grave, There conies a thoughtful, earnest fane, mftnly and nol)]e ; u ])laMiiate of your boyhood, a awful b iar aqu€ inder th jur best A.nd wl onger window anionsl burner, tna the time, W( place,' wise eni| For t reached colhge clas-smate and friend ; the man who f^'Mxt ha titood for your ideal of all that is biave and true, and vii tuouis ami generous. As you look at it, you remember, to-night, that when j'ou saw the real face, so little time ago, it was worn and ol<l audhaggani, and stamp- ed with the lejtrous mark of vice. Yfiu shuihler at the recollection ; but the pleading look of the visio'i goes to your heart as it fa ie.s away ; and other faces long forgotten crowd befoie yon. One. furrowed with marks ot jiatient suffering and care, with sil- ver bauii.i ill tliehrown hair drawn so smooth- ly awny from tlie brow , mother-love glisten- iiiji in the tender eyes, mother lov' in the ([uivering, heart-reaching eloquence of the tieniulous lips, mother-love in the caressing gesture of the gentle liaii<ln -what wonder that it lingers long, and faiUs only wlnnyou brush :lie burning tears that blind your eyes and veil the vision from your .sigiit ! And comes one sweeter, dearer than all — your heaf^ throbs nuiro quickly as you see a sha- d«'' . 'it' in the deepening twilight a face gli»ri'ing with blu.shesaiul wreathed in smiles; a face thatsiiniie into your life like suii.sliine, ill its bright springtime daj;B ; a face that has remained onstHiit while everything else liaH changed -your old heart grows tender and young with dear lecoUeetioiiK, and ycni thank ( Jod that although years have set their mark upon this ilear vision, it is still your», loving, faithful, and powerful to bkas and charm in every mood and at all tiuies. It is gone and looming through the deepening shadow.s another form of faniiliar presence fl^e^ l^»}{((»re youj T1^^8ijlv;}^|'^'>)i^e8ofiViempry rightonf ;he blaci ating th ness me withord mdtoch ng, pose leTate I c re 'ow uxury o ivives h;t ueraberj poliziiu ;.is bid aithful V! been prill be a •uddy irl )ut into 8 opene iverte I, lowling t. The ;iiristiii all'iuM, ;hmn ot) Miy it V leaerilM July the 10U84 d )laiiksiti lu.st th» .Vud treet, \ lud gu I A MODERN GOBLIN« 87 nawering theiip>ells chime like a Christmas enrol thron^h ike spectres ob bh« bleak wiad sbakiog ao angrily the noisy withered ihutters. It is the milkman, and he jao* l^es all your sweet drenms out of tuue, send- ng the ({hosts your retrospect ha» raised back iti bo tbe shadowy past. And a.s your visions yon Jisappear, you dismally watch the female vassals of the neif^hbourhood sallying forth in answer to the tinklint; summons, bearing kll possible maimer of squatty tinware and iorpulent yellow bowL, in which to receive awful but attenuated measures of the pecu- iar aqueous fluid of cerulean hue with which nier the ghastly appellation of "cream," to take yon to >ur best society dilutes its table beverages. yes looked into A.iid wlien ibis amusement ceases to be er — dear child onger interesting, you leavH the draughty crossed on the irindow and seek the more congenial com- janionsliip of the black close-shut gas- burner, which out of respect to your conceit lua the conventionalities ot the Christmas time, we have designated a " cbeery fire- place," witli an incipient cold in your other- wise empty head For the the srs nor darkness, lat. with draws o press your window, and light, peopled ten grotesque, trooping from osy little face long, long un. re a boy ; and es, the dreary forests stretch between your as winds sigh • little grave, est fane, niAnly lur boyhood, a reached to long hill that stretches around behind th« house like a tf"^^ horse shoe, and looks down on all the business, and bustle, and noise, and hurry, and work, and fatigue that have made tlie city so rich and powerful. And just at the time we were speakinsj: about, a gentleman was making devious headway up this hill, just as the street leaves the business of the cit^ and goes scrambling up to the quiet and rest op top of the h 11. A discour- aged looking gentleman, who seemed to have begun his <Jtiristmas at the wrong end, and so got nearly through with it before it had really commen:jed. The gentleman's Napo- leonic head was covered, part of the time, with a glossy silk tile, which <(rt had shaped into the fashionable, uncomfortable cylinder which adorns the caputs of our Best Young Men, but accident, 6ft recurring, and too many vigorous slappings on and pattings down by the officious but ill-directed zeal of many frieuiis, and too frequent steppiugs on bv the owner as the la:it means of checkin the uian who is 1)1 ave and lus. As you to-night, that little time ago, ril, andstamp- )f vice. Yfiu lit tht; pleading ir heart as it long forgotten irrowed with care, with sil- iwiisosmooth- ir-Jove glisten- ^r lov • ill the quence of the the caressing wliat wonder only wlK-nyou liiid yoiu- eyes ' «iKlit ! And lian all— ynur on so»' a iiha- ili^ht H face thei! in smiles; like sunshine, a face that v'er\ thing else grows tender ioUK, and you have set their is still youri, to bless and times. It is he deepeniug iliar presence \w of i^iempry its mad career in a rac^ '.vith the wind, ha shadows have beckoned and I graced this glossy cylindm with many alter- each other, and joined their | nate elevaticms and deprassiims, I'iving it iant hands, and danced until the light is rightenel away. In heavier volumes rolls he black smoke f tn every chimney. ,indi- atingthiit theesti a.ible and respectable bus- iness men of the city, having left \,hei' clerks with orders to save gas and not waste the coal, ind to close the store oidy when the last linger- Dg, possible chance of securing one more )eTate i customer has faded into hopelessuess, ire 'ow at home, enjoying the unspeakable uxury of heaping the stove with coal their wives hive carried in, and driving the other uemher.s of )I)olizing the ias lii.rht3 twinkle in the streets, for the aithful alnia'iac in the gas coiopriny's offijo that corrugated etfect so attractive, natural, .and useful in the wa. I l)o:vrd and concertina, but very repugnatit .md ungraceful in the silk hat. The gentleman's eccentric sfyle of buttoning his over.:i.,it, three holes over the same button, lent an air of abstraction to his general appearance, while his knitted brow toM of intense mental conflict and exertion. He made iittle forays from the sidewalk to tlie middle of the street, return- ing to his pathway by devious and an<;ular balHe ways, as though striving to Oattle some the family to maduess by niou- j unseen pursuer. From time to time he made privdege of poking the fire. vii;i<)u.s, i.npulsivrf. stanle.-l clutches at the streai.iing ends ol' lii.s iiec'<tie, liuttering in the blast, which he icgar.lod with a va;:uo uncertain ti^ifor. and, whea In; ha<l seixed theui,he laughed in hollosv, hysterical accents. The smell of coffee was hevrd in the distance as ho passed, and ever and anon, as the rest- openel, men are hurrying home, their faces ' less 'Mrth raised itself in pr(ci))itoua terraces as been ini^"! nd, "Mid they <lonot know there prill be a moon ({uitc late in the morning. A ruddj' irli>w of lirelight ;ind lamplight streams )utiut«« the gathering darkuess when a door iverted, and their bodies i)owed against the lowling wind, or else scudding briskly bef e t. The city was iiurrying home to enj ii'istii.as Kve in the bossoiu of its sevi i iniiMM. and to scold the children and pack hem <>S to b'id, if they romped and inad<; no luutrli noise. Everybody knows what ity it was, so tli«re is no use w.isting time escrilM'j^ it. ft w»h just the Haino old city, lily they had 8t.reiix^heiied the little brick ouse down i>el()w the corner where the acksmith ii/"d. with ^ eoat i>f whitewash.. Iii.st the same "li oty. .Vnd everyWoiv knows tiio hill ou the treet, where it turns t ■ wind up th« bluff >ud gu to the riuli folkd h xiset on top of uhe before him, he lifted liis feet liigh in air and witii lofty steps essayed to scale the treach- e»()us miraue. He {jtiused in his circuitous pro,'res8 t< shake hiids vith the last iriendly lamp pint on that tliorou^lifarc, cxpresniag his eonlideiice in that faithful municipal liglit- houRH as a "goo' role feller,'" who was, under ■■i,ny and every possible eimiltinatioii of dniumstances, "allri'." .\t times he felt for his hat with both iiands, and having secured a linn grip ujion its uncertain brim, he re uoved it froi.i his liead with great i:au- tion, and swinging it violently in the air, proceeded with greai enthusiasm and hiiarti- ness to "hurrah for" somebody, but in- variably forgot wiio, when he came to the 68 A MODERN GOBLIN. name, and contented himself with aaanring himself that that was " all ri'," after which with gravity he felt for his head, fcuiid it, and with much deliberation got the hat up on top of it, generally sidewayu or upside down, and with great physical effort, crushed and pulle t it on. At length, having' parted company after affectionate and prolonged adieu-, with the last friendly lamp-post, the young gentleman loudly- announced that he was a "total wr -hie! — e-eck" and pro ceetled furthermore to declare that he would not and could not b}' any means be induced to seek the slielter of his mothers roof again until siudin;.; morn shouM hail ami deck the hills with gold, and ttie ro«y-Hngered hours should huraUl tiie comin>,' of the god of day. Ami singing this true Btiitenient in a rich baritone, a kind of wlmeli^arrow tone, in fact, possosHinu' niore volume an<l hoarse whee/.ines-j than we could a uniie in Nilsson's chest louf'S, he niaif a vigoroun i)ut in- effectual effort to fall up the hdl, and angrily ejaculatiug, "Ju know who yer pushin'? " he sunt over the curbstone witn frenzied gesturoH tliat Meeined to proceed at least from ten p^iirsot legs, and disappoaied in the gloom ol til'' gutter, where he lay, and whence his stert-rous breathing startled the nervous passers by. Hail the fallen man ke]jt on the uneven tenor of hi^ way a little tarther he would have cucounteied a mysleiinus being that woula liave "transformed his snores into sounds lit deeper iutoaation. The street, where it turned and led U|) the hdl, was not a checMulOne. On tiie west si<le the bluff rises aliriijiiiy as a wall, aod on the opposite aide it siidvs away into a dark, gloomy ravine, that i.as an uneiviiny li">k at the best of times, ami the sidewalii i.s provided with a wooden nviling, to keep eareleisa or belated passengers from plunging down the hiil siilo. A litui' Hiream winds along the rjiviue, en- d«a\ i/uriu;'., in a despairing kind .)f way, to find it- way to the -iver, which it never dues, li starts, but from the time the citj' wai: tirsL settled there has I yen no record that the little stream ever got dear through; nobiid\ kiiowc what lueomes of it, Miiei'e it tfoes t<i; but certain ii is, that all trace of it ■B lost befiiiy It gets half May to any «here. But we have naugnt ui do with tins forlorn Bttle country lirook that conies purling Hhroiigh ])Ieab<ant niea<iows, tiud bubbling over while peiibles, and wrangling around great bowider.s, to ^et bewilibred and lost in the I ntaiigiing mazes of *.i/e diaiim and gut- ters and sewets acid ctilverts of tlu; city. treated on the railing of the sideMalk was an apparition of far lesw cheerful nmn than the gentleman who. when we left him, had jntt wrapped the curbetones about him and laid down to snore the Christmaa hours away. This tigure wore a snow-white mantle, mnoh too airy and summery for the season and very decidedly out of stj le, which fell from his angular shoulders in graceful folds, ■\ portion of its light tissue being folded over his osseous head after the most conventional style of his class. As he swung his legs carelessly to and fro, they struck the lower boanis of the railing 'vith a strange rattling sound like muffled castanets, and his manner of wiiistliug " Down Among the Dead Men," under his breath in that weird, ghostly place, with the bluff rising black aud abrupt b^jfore him, and the ravine lying deep in impene- trable shadow behind him, had that awful touch of the supernatural in it that would make one's idood run cold to contemplate. A ghostlier ghost never chose a ghostlier time or place for his ghastly recreations. He ceased bis hollow whistling aud stilled his nervous legs as he heard approai ning footsteps on the sidewalk, and drtinpeo from his easy perch on the railing as a > "Ung and a lovely maiden came toward him. toilu., up the slope down which the December ze- phyr roared and swept into a fury that wouhl make an Ulster overcoat feel sick. The young man's arm was wound tenderly round his companion's shrinking seal-skin elo d{, while he h >arseiy whispered words into her ears, which were rosy with the exl'ilaiating in- tiuence of twenty-eight degrees below zero. The ghost stepped in front of them. " Exjuse my hoarseness," he said, with a winning smile, that extended over the entire width of his finely-chiselled face, "but I had the vers disagreeable misfortune to havfl my throat cut in this exceedingly romantic spot about half a century since, and my voice has since been affected to such an ex " The very wind paused in its noisy bluster to listen to the wild shrieks that were jderc- ing the darkness like acoustic arrows, and the rapid patter of two jiairs oi Arctic over- shoes that were jiouiiding the Imsom of the frosty earth far down tlie bill, away from the shadow of the bluff, away from tbedread- tul blaikiiesK of the ravine, in the direction of the gl< amiiig street lamps ot the city. The ghost leaned upon the railing and sighed as lie said: " This was not the style ot re ponding to an apology when 1 dwelt among nun. Per- haps my voice, which I have not ui-ed before for fifty years, has that in its uiouldy accents which is disagreeable, startling, and possibly repulsive, to moital ears, I will modulate my intonation." He paused to observe the figure of a portly man, looming vaguely through the uiiiht,as, with many aathmatio puffs, the well-led oiti* hours away. laiitle, mndi son and very fell from his r's, s portion ir his osseous i Btyle of his lareleaaly to loards of thf ; sound like of wiiistling under his .ee, with the before him, ill impene- that awful that would [3(iuteinplate. a ghostlier 3ati(>iia. g iuid Mtilled appioa. ning niiipeii from I >"Ullg i hull, tdili.. >et;enil)er ze- > tliat would . riie young y round his clodi, while to her ears, iiivratinjif in- litilow zero, leni. saiti. with a 'er the entire face, "but 1 tune to have ;Jy romantic iioe, and my 1 to such an loisy bluster I were ])ii!rc- arrows, and Arctic over- Koni of the away from in t lie dread- lie direction [.he < ity. ruiJing and 'pon<iinf( to nun. Per- used before lult I y accents iind piifisibly II niiidulat* e of a portly he niKht,as, Nr«ii-tiid oiti- A MODERN GOBUN. leD essayed to beat up the hill against the wind. "He looks," said the siieotre, musingly, "very nu<!ii like an h"' cat old settler 1 used toknow, w ho sold whi.skey to, and stole furs from, the Indians, the year after I tiist came to what is now this city." The panting citizen came along side and was pas-siiig by, when the ghost dropped his bony hand noiselessly iu the hollow of his arm. "A thousand pardons, my dear sir," he began. " Ijut I observe a most extraordinary resemblance in " "Oh-H-H-H-h Lord!" And again the ghost was alone. As the echoes of the excited and grossly misapplied rem^irk of the citizen died away h\ the mock- ing echoes of the dreary solitudes, the ghost walked across the street and carefully exam- ined the face of the bluff, in which direction the portly mortal made his unceremonious and abrupt exit. •' No," the spectre remarked, after a criti- cal inspection, "'it is very evident that he did not plunge through the hill ; he certainly ran over its smsiniit. The celerity with which he accomplished this undertaking, at his time of lite, and his condition of superfluous flesh too, smacks almost as much of the marvellous to me as I did to him. I would be willing to bet my boots now," he added, with a ghastly wink at his bare feet, " that the I'ortly old party can't come here to-mor- row noon and get over that hill inside of tweuty-fiv( minutes." " Passen^^er travel on this street,'* he con- tinued lesunnng his station on the sidewalk, "is livelier tlian it was in my time. As I remember, i lie two gentlemen who perform- ed the flnrgi<:al operation on my windpipe, which lias ho disgreeably affected my voice, had to wait here for me five houis in the cheerless ij;l'i>m before my other business en- i^agenients ji. rmitted me to come along and make an involuntary and unwilling third in thrir interesting little surprise party. And I h on a stump near this very spot, and wati lied my lifeless remains nearly two days before tbf inroner foun<l them and gave them the enstoiiiiiiy inquest with a fearlul and womierfiil viirdiot. followed by (Jliristian burial, ^'^'s, yen, the village has been proB- perouH si'H'e then, and ntiw — but boft, a young man a lover, too, or I'm no ghost. 1 will befriend him an<l he will love me. ' A iioodly \oung man he was indeed, as ghost or viil would wish to nee. Torture racked ins .-tnul wiicn, at every step his dain- ty IhioUi. .1 r<i«eand a litdf too small, touched MMfrrouni' And even the snowy expanse flf bnen ruiU. w^iighted with moss-agate R^ c buttons, faded to conceal the fact that his flame-coloured kids would not button." Though the piercing wipd chilled him to the very marrow, his overcoat was opened and thrown back from his throat to display the blue necktie that giaced his paper collar. The elaborate and iiainful costume betrayed his errand. You might wring bergnmot out cf the air when he passed along, and there wis jockey club on his handkerchief, and his breath smelled a little of sozodont:, some of trix, and a gteat <leal of something else. The ghost lookeil after him, as he passed by, with as much friendly admiring interest as he could throw into Ids rather ojien cou.ite- nauce, and then gathering his robe about him followed swiftly and silently at the limping heels of the nice young man, who toiled painfully but patiently and exquisite- ly properly up the hill until he reached the summit of the grade, and pausing before a mansion of pretentious appearance, proceed- ed to investigate the ever changing myster- ies of the front gate. Properly constructed, the front gate is more fearfully and wonderfully niait than the architect who desig)..s or the cat j inter who builds it. No otln r crcateil or manu- factured thing in the whole wide universe can equal or rival it for original jiervtrsity and malignant obstinacy. A patient man, whose soul is melting within him from chronic and exaggerated meekness, will fall from grace and relieve his tortured soul iu a bijirst of giant powder profanity after fifteen minutes' struggle with a front gate, and then he will shower a tempest of abuse n])on the unknown man who contrived such a diaboli- cal and outrageous gate, and ho will cease to struggle with it and will climb over the fence and disintegrate his raiment on the pickets, and abrade his cuticle all the way down his back as he slides off, and then his soul will be tossed into a very sirocco of passion and mortification when he sees the dog of the mansion come trotting along and open the gate with a simiile push of his nose. Or a woman, fuilof a woman's love aud yearning tenderness, will take ludd of a gate and tug at it, and pull ami haul and jerk until she nearly drags the solid pustsup by the roots, and when all the blood in lur sys- tem is boiling in the top of her head, iind her eyes are starting from tlieir sockets, and she dissolves in tears of uttar.abject wretcbeilness aud rage because she is debarred by viitue of her sex from the ecstatic piivilege of swearing at Ihe gate and the pirate who made it, a grinning Ii<iy will ojien the barrier l)y merely pulling it the oth- er way. .Men with real livinur ideas, and lofty aspirations, and soaring ambitious, and gr&nd, iiliniitnhlc thoughts, swelling and groaning aud throbbing in heart and brain. 70 A MODERN GOBLIN. m have stood before an orthodox front gate and manipulated its fastenings, moving that piece this way and this one that, and all of Uiem the other, until the pot-metal securities have assumed the vexed and perplexing varieties and dimension of a Chinese puzzle, with the delirium tremens or a Centennial election table. And then, when at last wi'ih A despairing groan he lets go of it, and raises hia hands to heaven to call down its righteous judgment upon the unregenerate mocker who made that gate, it slowly swings open by its own weight, and the diBtressed Christian dis- covers to his unspeakable amazement that he has had it open twenty times within the last fifteen minutes. And all these troubles are magnified after night. Hook and staple con- nect the swinging gate and the immovable Eost where hook and staple there were none efore. The most trilling and ordinary bolt has a way of acquiring a double action after dark, so tliat whatever is loosed at one end is immediately fastened nu as tight as a can- didate at the other. ^Sails, too, appear, driven in the post immediately above the latuh, and tinally, when all other ties are sundered, lo, a strap hugs the whole struc- ture in its binding embrace. It is a work of ten minutes to tiud the buckle, ain' when found it is a knot, tie<l when the strap M'as wet, and now firmer in its clinging folds and more intricate in its appalling entanglements than the famous knot which Gordius of Phrygia tied in his chariot harness, a knot which batUed even the sublimest efforts of the Chicago divorce lawyers. Even the siniplest form of a gate latch known to man, composed cf a round hole in a post into which a stick is thrust athwart the gate, is a snare, a vanity, a vexation of the spirit and a mortification of the flesh ; for no livinK man opened a strange gate of this ^enus ihat the stick did not come out'with a jerk, rasp- ing the abraded knuckles along the ruae edges of the pickets. VVitli a gate which priesented, or rather concealed, and successfully developed, like masked l)atterics, all the modern combina- tions (if baffling elements and inventions, the young man has this time been expostulating. A good young man, fur while he has been labnuriiig with that remorHeless gate with all the inlonsity of purpose and earnestness that iires till blood ul youth, he has only relieved his iniixitient swelling' soul by saying from time to time that "he would be dad binged," once oi twice varying the tense us the future •uddeidy seemed to break upon him with all the fulness of time, to declare that he idum "da<l )iinG;ed," and several times, as though constiouH of some degree of uncertainty at- tending the whole matter, devoutly hoping that, at some indefinite time in the va^ue hereafter, he might be " dad hinged." One* he passed suddenly to the imperative and paaaive, appealing to some unknown quantity to "dad bing the dad binged old gate," a confusion of mood, tense and voice that was absurd, and even the ghost, which stood in the porch of the mansion watching hii movements with an all-absorbed interest which visitors from another world display in terrestrial matters, shook his head gravely, as if doubting the advisability of a neediest waste of power in dad hinging that which waa already declared dad binged. fiut the ghastly visage relaxed in a grim smile, as with one last tremendous effort, the adoles- cent raised the barrier from its fastenings, hinges and all, and fell forward to the gravel walk with the fiendish gate clasped in his arms, reaching the ground in a rattling chorus which roused all the dogs this side of the moon. Disengaginghimself from thechaos into which the gate hadfallen,the yonng man reached the porch with a halting step, and as he stood near the door, brushing gravel off his clothei with his tattered kids, the ghost gathered hil bustle and train about nim, slid deftly through the key hole, and flattened himself out against the door on the inside. The tinkle of the bell had scarcely sounded in the hall when a light footstep was beard in echo to its olamour, and a beautiful young girl hastened to the door. She opened it, but the ghost stepped before her and faced the smiling, blushing, bowing younu man, threw his gaunt arms around his neck, and in a hollow whisper began, "Darlmg! I have watched so off for " A terrific yell rang through the corri i like almost any other yell would ring un^ 'r similar circumstances. A rush of hasty . . jt along the gravel walk, a stumble, u crash and a dismal howl at the sight of the fallen gate; then the dying echoes of feet, pattering foot- steps in the distance, and then nilcnce, dia- Eossessed of her curtainerl throne for on* rief moment, resumed her noiseless reign, and th" smiling ghost, after a vain eflort to dig himself in the ribs, chuckled with dismal joHity and hid his shadowy form in the re- cesses of the porch. The young girl stood spell-bound, crazing out in the direction of her vanished lover, and shaking her lovely head in mute, aston- ished negations, in re^ptaise to the hurried and excited enquiries of the family, who came swarming into the hall in all possible stages and degrees of amazement and terror, propounding with great volubility all th« connndrums which wouM naturally suggest themselves in consequence of such an astound - >ged." One* perative and own quantity d old gate," id voice that which stood watching hia bed interest vorld display lead gravely, if a needless at which was But the rim smile, as the adoles- ;s fastenings, to the gravel .asped in his a i-attlin£ this side of OS into which t reached the na he stood ff his clothes gathered hii slid deftly ned himseu iisiiJe. The iiided in the eard in echo young girl ned it, but d faced the man, threw , and in a A MODERN" GOiBtlN. 71 so OK lie corri v ring un' >r f hasty , . jt a viom and fallen gate ; Lteringfoot- silence, dis- ne for on* lelens reign, in ellbrt to ivith dismal in the re- ind, Grazing ihed lover, lute, aston- he hurried "lily, who II possible »nd terror, fy all th« lly suggest 11 astound- ing and unheralded and unprovoked outburst of human voice. "I cannot imagine what did ail him," she said at length, when her stern father, in mild reproof, had laid his heavy hand upon her rounded shonlder, and oscillated her lithe form to and fro until her back hair was in her hands, and the floor was strewn with hair- fiins and samples of curls, thick as autumnal eaves and one thing and another strew the brooks in Vallambroaaand vicinity. "I open- ed the door, and before I could say ' Good evening,' he opened his mouth to its fullest extent, and with a look of horror, fled from my presence, leaviiig no token save an amount of noise altogether incommensurate with his size. I can't imagine what he could have seen to affect him so. I was afraid at first that I hadn't rubbed the ])earl powder out of my eyebrov 3, but I had. " Eveiy member of the convention offered a suggestion or an explanation of the myster- ious affair, hut they were all overruled by paterfamilias, who, venturing the grnff opin- ion that the yount; mau/was in tb^ habit of placinghimself exterior to sundry and various decoctions dispensed at tl'.ose retail drug stores which are, by laW; closed on Sundays, and had merely incurred that peculiar foim of mental distemper in which the patient keeps a private menagerie on exhibition in his boots, drove his wondering family back to the par- lour. But youth is buoyant. Its sonows are transient and its tears are April rain, flecked with sunshine even while they fall ; its fears are short lived as its sorrows, and die away when the thought or scene that uave them birth is gone. So he who flew from the hid- eous shadow tnat had veiled the fairy flgure of his love from his fond gaze, blushed in the darkness at Ids nervous fancy, and . earrang- ed his wardrobe, retraced his steps with more of that native grace and innate dignity pe- culiar to the young man of the nineteenth century, than he had displayed while making his presftncc seldom. Again he passed the wreck of the demolishc<l gate, and once more he rang the hell, and listened for the echo- ing fooif.ill. wliile the attentive spectre came and stood doiunrely at his elbow. " You horrid boy," murmured a sweet voice through the keyhole, " I have a great mind not to let you in. What made you act so perfectly ridiculous ?" "Dearest," the young man said, "it wan a fool'sh, Imrriblo fancy ; 1 will never frighten you again. " "Tt was perfectly dreadful," she replied, "horribly, (IreadfuUy awful. How could you be so horribly dreadful ? But you may come in this time " And with coquettish deliberation she opened the door, to see the ghost, bending his smiling gaze upon her colourless face and staring eyes. "Thank you," he said, in hollow tones, "since you insist upon it, I will come " " Oo-oo-ee E E-E-E !" And thump ! She dropped to the floor with a velocity and abruptness, tl<at even astonished her ghost. Dumb with amaze- . nient, her lover stood gazing at her form, lying prone upon the new hall carpet, emit- ting a seiies of longdrawn shrieks. He re- coiled as again the members of the family came pouring and buzzing out of their rooms, like hornets from their domicile on a swaying apple tree bough, jarred rudely by the unconscious granger's towering head. The angry father caught a glimpse of the trembling, half-stupeHed, and tnoroughly mystified youth, standing near the door- way, appealingly and timorously offering his ex- planations. The parent, with a f^w hurried words, disappeared up stairs. Quickly he returned, bearing in his hands a ponderotia shot-gun, at the sight of which the young man, witho.it pausing to explain, tied quite as precipitately, and with as little ceremony as he had sauntered away from the embrace of the ghost. "Because," he remarked to the wind, which was vainly trying to keep pace with his flying movements as he cleat ed the fallen gate with a hound, and waltzed airily down the road, ns though tight boots were « vision and an unreal dream, "because the old man appears to be a trifle impatient to niglit, and I would not cross him in his sadiler moods. He might do that to-night for which to- morrow I mi«ht monrn." And deftly passing from twelve to flfteen linear feet of solid earth heneatn each foot, ott as he raised it from the ground, with swift evasion he transferred himself to healthier climes and more congenial scenes. The indignant father, meanwhile, had ste]>ped out on the porch, and holding his warlike weapon a-port, peered anjfrily into gloom for a glimpse of the Hying fi,ure, whose (listant, echoing footsteps he could laintly hear. " Thou art so dear," he said, " and yet so far." To him the silent ghost a(>proached. Standing by his unconscious side, the spectre leaned his bony etbow on lii" mortal shoulder, resting his. hollow cheek upon his attenuated hand. Then, with a graceful motion and an easy gesture, of winch a bal- let dancer mii^ht be proud, he ilrew aside the lower portion of his drapery, disclosing to view a pair of cmaciateii shins ot which a brtllefc dancer would most certainly be ashamed. Crossing one of these specimens n A MODERN GOBUN of anatomical curiosities iu front of the j and settlu thia vexed question by consulting other, he rested the bended limb upon the the piflr glass." toes, and stood thus for a moment, in that I With that graceful, easy manner which is elegant and charming pose so much affected | characteristic of a well-bred ghost, he slid by our best, young men at the opera and 1 through the keyhole, and a moment later, theatre, who place themselves on exhibition ] stood singeing his bloodless shins before the for tlie untaught multitude upon every pos- ; blazing grate, while ho made a ciitical in- sib) c occasion For a few " brief moments he stood thus, wrapped in admiration ot his retinci! and elegant appearance, then drovpiog his face and turning it until his breath, if he had any, would have swept the cheeks oi his unconscious companion, he said : — " Let me entreat you. dear sir, to do ; nothing rash. Let me implore you to put i by your murderous weap " i Bang ! bang ! Two loads of death-dealing bucksliot perforated the roof of the poroii, ' an<l the howl of «n elderly voice mingloi i with the crashing, discordant echoes that ro>-e | clattering through the darkness. The siani i of a door, and thern-li and .scramble of many feet succeei led, foll'iwcd Ity tin- iJangiiut ' i , locks ami bolts ; tii.> subducil hubbni> ti many voices coulu he heard, detailiu / in i many exagyerateii piuascsj, extravagant ii:»r i ratives, and with :; smile of grim ainusiniunt [ playing across hi vprcssive fcaturts, iil;e a telegraphic lino tioia one ear to the other, ^ the spectre learned, as he listened at the key- hole, that while the master of the iumse had i been standing on the porch, a pale Idue light , suddenly clove the night, accompanied by a i sulphurous smell, in tiie midst of which ap- peared, rising out of the ground, a colossal body with Kve heads, and with hideous gashes yawning in its throats, from which the welling blood ilowed down, and splotjhed and streaked the long M'hite robe with horri- ble carmine stains. Its many eyes,, the patrician said, glared like burning coalK, and its hair twined and wreathed itself in fantas- tic shajies, like living serpents. The sf)entre assumed a thoughtful look as he listened to these terrible revelations. '' It is barely possible," he said, " that I am a ranligned apparition. From his vivid powers of imagination, niul a slight tendencj' to fsxuijgoratt'd word ciiloiiring m narration, ono would take this iMcrly party for one of .spection of his visage in the mirror. After studying the picture for some moments in silence, he sttokcil hi(! chin with a com- placent air while a sniiik of self-satisfaction playe<; over his features. "Any mortal," he murmnicd, "who would tlee in terror from such a-face as that; any man who could dctact any thing like an unearthly f;lare in those hollow eyes ; any creature who can find it in his heart to an- nounce the discovery of hair on that head, or find a trace of blond about that Hunre, from tl\roat to heels, is a lunatic, and should be looked after. Be looked after." he added, in an absent way, "Looked after. Looked after." " And," he continued, affcr a few moments' dciilieraticn, "I should like > be appointed to look after him. He wc .d then have a mr)re faithful consctvator tlian w.-is ever ap- pointed by a county court. I wuld interest and .imuse him, and strive to divert his nund from the tioubles wliicli appear to have so disordered his imagination ami ilittorted his vision and faculties of observation. I would keep him in a state of constant mental activity. I would help him around, and I would niake myself useful to his family in a variety of ways. For instance, 1 wtmld make this old gentleman so distrustful of tiiat long walk up the hill after daik that he never would stay down town late at night, and could not be induced to attend lodge, or 'just step down to the post effice ' after supper. I would imbue his very nature with such an utter abhorrence 'or dark places that he would never kiss the hired girl behind the cellar door. Never again ; ne-ver, never. I would reform this man, add make this family happy, and this houvse should ! resound with manifestations cf excitement I and exclamations of astonishment, and indi- j cations of vet y dubious merriment, as it were. I I see niU' h good in this virtu<m.s and happy project, and I will cultivate the acquaintance the L'itted prevaiicatoi.-i who deal in pf)litical of this excellent la<ly of tlie Tuansion, con- projijie'ios in tl;c [•!■ -idential ycvr. I may j vince her tif the necessity of a ju-otector tor not ho a very liandsomo gh'ist, but I do m. st j herself and her family, and carry my plans prnfonudlv believe that thi^ portly Ananias who, 1 Pi'c, is jii.'t now leaving the room to learn how his daughter is coming on, has nu>Kt foull\ traduced my personal appear- ance. An<l while there is no one in this apartment save that conifortablelooking «.ld lady, who has been terrified and mystified into umtionless silence, I ^viH quietly step in 1 have a conviction that most itomfoitalde iiuuse to into oj eiation this Would bf; n haunt." He stepped to the side of the matron, and laying bis icy Hngers against her cheek to arouse ber attention, and holding his throat with the other hand to prevent his voio* escaping prematurely at the aperture which by consulting anner which is yhu8t, he slid moment later, bins before the e a critical in- mirror. After lie moments in uitli a com- Ii -satisfaction mii;cJ, "who a 'face as that; ■ thing like an low eyea ; any lis heart to an- )ii that head, or at Hiiure, from and siiould be er." he added, aft( r. Looked a few momentH' ' be appointed id tiien have a n wiiH ever ap- W'uM mtercBt to divert hi« I aj>fiear to have 1 and dii-torted »bservation. I -•onstant mental arouid, and T his family in a S I would make ;tul of that long tliat he never a I ni^dit, and ttui.d lodge, or i8t . tfice' after sry nature with or dark places the hired girl ' again ; ne-ver, man, add rnak* house should of excitement nent, and indi- lent, as it were. 10U.S and happy e arqnaintauce mansion, con- a jiroteetor ffir •arry my plan* 'n viol ion that table Jiouse to ic matron, and t her cheek'to ling his throat 'ent his voio* perture which A^ MODERN GOBLIN. 78 has been previously referred to, said, in a < loader voice : | " Yuu will pardon the abrnptiicas of my ! speech, my <lear madam, but I deem it my j duty to inform you that it is my firm belief | this part of the town is haunted. Yes, Ma'am, i haunted. I shouldn't In; surprise*!, indeed, if there was a ^^liost somewhere in this house ! this very miimte. In fii<t 1 have every reason for beliaviuy " , Tims far ids auditor had preserved such a ! respectful wileiice that the speaker believed j she was listening,' with rapt attention, and Tie I fondly hojjod that he ha,d at last found a | friendly, appreciative <;ossii> who woidd not i interrnot his remarks with ill-timeil applause ] before he was half through. Looking iit her ; face, however, at this moment, the expression I of her court tenance was such as chilled him I with disappointment. She was not splitting the night air with blood-curdling, discoidant shrieks, it is true, but it evidently wasn't her fault. Her eyes had left their sockets and were standing out on her cheek-bones with nothing particular to do except to stare at each other across the top of her nose, each with an exinession of blank .unazement at seeing the other there. Her mouth was al- ternately elosiug with sudden jerks and dis'endin'^ with spasmodic gasps ; noiseless, but all the more provoking on that very account. She a]>pcared to be making strenu- ous efforts to rise, but as every attempt to assume an erect posture brought her closer to the ghost, she sank back helplessly in her chair after every effort, and resumed her dreadful staring and noiseless gasping. "You had better scream, madame," said the disyiistfd ghost. " Pray, <lo not restrain yourself on my account. It is really painful for me to witness your suffering. If my presence here is distasteful to you, pray have the goodness to intimate the fact in the abrupt and startling manner so much nfi'eeted by this family. You \f&d better express your emotions, if you have any. If you have through any little passing thrill of excite- ment, temporarily lost the use of your voice, and find .«ome difficulty in recovering it, perha]ia 1 can assist you." With a horrible leer he withdrew the drapery trom his neck, and leaning back his head disclosed the gaping incision in bis respiratory and swal'owing apparatus which had oonipolled him to go into the ghost busi- nesd. As le had shrewdly conjectured, that startling display developed the tuli action of the old lady s dormant vocal pow ers, and. for the next live minutes. Bedlam was a quiet, seijuesteied cloister in compari- son with that house. For an instant the author of all the uproar paused to smile at the vociferous woman screaming till the chandelier ticmbled, and pounding a vigorous tattoo on the floor with her aged heels, and then he left the house, merely stopping as he went to look in on the kit* * (■hen, and by one j'euial wink at tlie servants establish a first-class opera chorus in that department of the household. He then passed out into the chill air, .luJ gliding slowly along the gravel Widk, paused to ciintemplate the ruins of tlie front irate and speculate on the whereabouts of the l:aiidsonie youth who had so lately enacted the part of a modern Samson, and had torn ilown the gates to (taza little on tlie hived face which parental tyranny would thereafter conceal from his ardent gaze forever. "It is ever thus," moralized the ghost ; "at once the mightiest and the weakest being in created life, (iod's no'de.'-t work is the toy of bo.liless phantoms. We tear down and we build up: we purpose and we pre- vent; we do and we undo; we ovet come every real difficulty, and surmount every actual obstacle, a (1 at Ixst, when onr ol.ject is all but accomplished- lo. a shadow f< riities us, and the courage and labour of an hour, a year, or a lifetime, :i.i-e aWept into ruins. At least, /'•' used to do tbu.-<. I have left the tirin, but tlm surviving paitnt is carry on I the busine:-s of liic in pretty miich the same i old style. The world invents a great deal, i but it doesn't improve very much. It is the I same old world after all. It has the loco- ; motive and the telegraph, true; but the men i who invented the locomotive and the tele- j grafih loved, feared, hoped and lived pretty I much as Oa^sar's courtiers ami Dfdot sailors I used to. Meu declaim against the remotest ' possibility of the spirits of the dead revisit- ' ing the glimpses of the moon, and yet my ' presence affects in the "ame un])Ieasant and turbulent manner alike the most sceptical and the nutst credulous and superstitious. 1 believe, siieakiiig of spirits, I will go down town to a certiiin house I wot o», where I parties ot my friends, the. Spiritualiits, hold frequent seances, at which they co i verse I familiarly, though ungraniniaticall.v. with the ' spirits of their own deceased friends, and of the illustrious (\cA\i\. They will be triad to .see me, J know, beciuse 1 am intimately acijuainted with some of the part is whom they occasionally si'minon bs'^k to i artii, and they will be glad, too, becau.*e I cm eoirect sonic of the erroneous iifeas thiy entertain in regard to the |iri:sent condition of some of these spirits wli>> are con.stiuitly writina \ back, in such eNcciaide Kiiglisli as would make a cultured, intelligent glio.st blush, how happy they are, .ind h«iw glad they are that they died, and how much they know. I «m as contented a ghost as one can find under the republic, and I never was glad A MODERN OOBLtN. Hbtit T »lic(l, and I nerer write to niiy of my relativuH, and m-ver viait any of them,' ex- cept," he a<lded thoughtfully, "my dear haunt." Aud he chnckled grimly over his ghastly little joke. lu another moment he was seated com- fortably beneath a table which vr&s sur- rounded by a party of seekers after truth, who were patiently sittint; up for the latest returns from the spirit world. The ghost was much touched by the anxiety displayed by a youn<4 man in very long hair and green sptctacles to hear from his departed uncle. The spirit miuls were snowed in, or inter- cepted by guerrillas, or held for postage, or suffering from some other cause ot detention that Oiiristmas Eve ; for it seemed as though the ycmnt; man never would receis'e so much as a postal card from his deceased relative. The ghost pitied him, and ju.st as the meilium, a beautiful young girl of forty nine summers, was passing into another trance, he crawled out from under the table »n<l bowed pleasantly to the anxious in- quirer. " I think I can allay any anxiety you may feel on account* of the departure of your a/uiicuhir relative," he said ; "I have inet him !-everal times, and, although the peculiar an<i prt^ssing nature of his engagenitnts elsti- whete prevtfuted his attending in person so- cial assemblies on this side of the ground, he is-r— " He ceased speaking at this point, for his voice had long been drowned in the uproar of shrieks, and breaking furniture, and crashing glass, as the seance broke up alone with tile tiibltts and chairs, and the anxious searchers after truth emerged into the night with window sashes hanging round their necks. Foreseeing that there would be trouble if he ilid not emigrate in order to per- mit the wanderers to return and resurrect the overturned stove, the messenner from the rpidm of shadows departed and once more resumed his station on the hill. And agam he whistled " Down Among the Dead Men" through his teeth, while he smiled pensively and communed with his own plea- sant thou^(hts. *• It s just as I said," he mused ; " had I beeji that young man's uncle, whom he so earnestly desired to see, his terror would have been just as great. They rap and call for us, thay implore us to come, ajid when we come they go. And they go very ab- ruptly. Some of those people to night got out of that room by edging through fissures that Mould squeeze the very breath out of the I ■tuHist gliost I ever saw. Believer or sceptic, it makes no difference. Saul was not iMore terrified at Samuel's ghost, which he was so anxious to see, than was th«i witch who accidentally raised the apparition. But these broken, interrupted intei views with terrified mortals are growing monotonous. I will stay out all night, because it is Christ- ma<) Eve and my night out, but 1 will spend the remaining hours in meditation, and let the wicked old world sleep in peace, jnless, mayhap, some belated wafarer should stray this way, when I will revenge myself upon him for the shabby treatment I have received at mortal hands to-night. I will frighten him so th,^.the will not be through screaming when I come here again next Christmas Eve. I have tried to be agreeable to cveryliody to- night, but everybody has refused to be soci- aVde, and has repulsed my couiteous advan- ces with the most hideous shrieks and up- roar. And to the next hapless moital wno shall cross my haunt I will be terrible." He ceased speaking, and knotted his face with a series of horrible contortions and hi- deous grimaces, which he practised until he acquired one which appeared to satisfy his fastidious taste. This one he exercised se- veral times in ordei to fix it Hrmly in his me- mory, and then, folding his arms, he leaned against the railing j<nd gloomily waited for a eu'jtomer, as ill-natured and unhappy a ghost as couM be found in all the haunts of men or spectres. Hifighostship did not have long to wait for a^ubject, standinc; there in the gloomy street, with the cold, flittering stars occas- ionally peeping timidly through the rifted clouds sailing overhead. Before long a heavy fo(rtfall was heard use .tnding the lower part of the hill, and then, ;vs it came nearer, the dismal one could hear the frosty earth creak- ing under the passenjror's feet at every step he took. A voice, v.hich was marked by that peculiar intonation which we so fre- quently notice in clos<! proximity to a a pick or a hod, uttered, in sentences so profusely vaccinated with trilled r's that it sounded liko a high school commencement, a wrathful objurgation upon the wind, as the winter zc(^!iyr well nigh lifted the speaker from his fett. " Growl about that, will you? " muttered the ghost, with savage gleef'ulnuss, "I'll make you wish the wind had blown you into the moon before you get to the top of the hill. I wish he would walk more slowly," the spectre went on, rubbing his fleshless hands in delighted anticipation ; "1 should like to have a few moments' quiet enjoyment in contemplating the possible and probable actions of the woi-st frightened man in Amer- ica. I have been accused of frightening peo- ple before now, but these vile slanders against my considerate and pacific disposition and my reassuriiig physiognomy will all be re- tracted and atoned for after to-night. After \ ritioD. Bat views with lotonous. I i ia Chriat- will opend on, anii let eacG, jnleSB, hould stray nysfclf upon ive received vill frighten h ucrcamiug istmas Eve. eryliody to- i to be sooi- eous advac- is and up- noital who irrible." ted his face 0113 and hi- >bd until he satisfy his xercised se- y in his me- he leaned waited for* I'Py a ghost ts of men or ong to wait the gloomy stars occas- the rifted ong a heavy lower part nearer, the larth creak- every step marked by we so fre- to a a pick tences so nlled r's ;h school )hjurgation \>UyT well tt. muttered ic-as, "I'U II you into op uf the 3 slowly," s flesh less "I should mjoyment probable in Anier- sning pee- rs against ition and .11 be r«* t. After -,) A MODERN GOBLIN. If this man's evidence no man, uo living mortal will dare stand up and say that any one was) ever frightened to this date. Why, there won't be as much hair left on this individ- ual's head, in about three minutes, as would nake me a switch. All the doctors in America won't 1)e able to get his eyes back into their pr«»per places. He will howl and yell and shriek and pra^ to the day of his death. Scared ? It isn't the word. It's too weak. Whistle will you ? " he continued, apostrophizing the approaching figure, " I'll make you wish you had a French horn fifteen feet long, with all the keys opened and the mouth-piece cracked, to express your feelings through. Why," he said, arranging his robe and twisting his face into such a blood curd- ling awful contortion that it raised a blister on the frozen ground and the very wind turned and blew up the hill for dear life ; " why, my unsuspicious repulilicaa, you'll be the worst demoralized community in about tifteen seconds that ever disturbed the holy quiet of midnight." Stretching out his gaunt arm in a weird, ghostly ghesture, the white drapery falling away from it in conventional folds, the spec- tre stepped out to the middle of the side- walk to confront the coming man. Aman of medium size, the new-comer, with bluff, square shoulders, twinkling eyes, a nose that had been made a remnant so that the untin- ished end retreated towards the eyes, a mouth puckered up in a melodious whistle, the head covered with an abundance of close- ly-ont hair of the shade of St. Louis pressed brick ; a ragged coat was buttoned close and the wearer carried under his arm a walking- stick of most Iwnevolent aspect, the bulge on the end of wnich reminded one of an in- vitation to join an innumernbie caravan. tfis whistle ceased as the ghost loomed up before him, not suddenly cutting oft" his tune in the middle of the note, but in along-drawn diminuendo passage, commonly expressive of inexpressible Hstonishment. The ghost slowly and impressively waved his extended arm in the direction of the gloomy ravine. The mortal shuffle.! uneasily toward the middle of the street in an effort to get round the unpleasant obstruction. The spectre noiselessly glided before him and still confronted him with outstretched arm and hideous oountenanre, and both figures reganled each other in silence. The mortal was the first to open the conversation, who after muttering under his breath, "The saints betune us and har-rum, an' phwat is he makin' thim faces at me for ?" remarked in a brisk tone : " Cool aveiiin* ! " Motioidcss as a statue, the ghastly Hgiirc glowered upon him in its frozen attitude and tierrifying gesture. "Is it Tim Moriarity, as died the year be- fore I kim' over, I don't know ?" No reply and no change of posture on the part of the ppectre. "Is it theFeenicks boys ye are thin, as kilt aich other the night ov the ball at the creek three years ago come next Sept(!mber an' jist two months lackin' six weeks after O'Flaherty's sisther dhrove the cow off the waggon bridge?" Still the spectre maintained its silence and its position. " Ye've a mighty familiar countenince, onyhow," continued the mortal, who kept up his cautious manouuvering for the weather gauge, in which he was steadily bs filed by the ghost. " It seems to me I ve keen the face av yez somewhare on a tombstone. Yer not livin' fur around here, mebbe ?" In hollow tones the ghost replied, "I am dead." "Did, is it? Oh, the saints rist yer rist- less sowl. An' phwat are ye doin' out here ? Whaire do ye live — I mane, whaire are ye buried?" " At the top of this hill," came in the same hollow tones. "An' a mighty agreeable place that same is, to be sure," replied the mortal, in a con- ciliatory intonation, "shlapin' undher the grass wid the cows and pigs browsiu' and rootin' around all day long an' kapen' ye company nights. Born divil that ye air," he added, in a lower tone, "I wisht wan or the other of us wur thayre now, fur it's a onpleasant company ye air, anyhow. Well," he added, aloud and with great cheer- fulness, " good night till ye. Be good to y(-r- self." "Stay," uttered the terrible monotone; " come thou with me." "Oh-h, the dev — I beg yer par-r-don. I mane I can't think of it. Luk at the time it is, an' see the murdherin' cowM I have in me head already, along uv bein' out till mid- night. The wife and childher '11 be did intirely wid sittin' up fur me, an' " " Follow me !" said the hollow tones of the ghost. " Oh-h, tundher an' turf — I mane— I beg yer par-r-don, don't shpake of it ; it's a married nian I am. I can't sthay ; besides, there's no use — ivery place in town is shut up, and sorra the wan ov ine dhnnks av they wasn't. I wouldn t taste a dhrop av I lived in lashins ov it ; I'm a whole Fatner Mathew society by myself." " Come ! Come ! ! Come ! ! !" The sepul- chral tones boomed out like a bass drum solo. 7« A MODERN GOBlIN. ;i ki "Aw-w-w ! Millia murther! Go aisy ! now ! Phwat du ye mane, divilin' the tin ; linses out of me to come, whin ye sec T want touiiV By the mortial gob," he added, uiitTer iiis l)reath, ''av I thoueht I cud find an> thill;,' ill y«r head to feel it, avick, I'd make ye raisoiiahle wid a welt ov this \ splinther av a sthiok. ^^ liist ! yn hlooily miiide'l villiii !" he roared, with sjiddenly in- crea-^ii'L,' r.mraijf', as some wakeful Brahma in i a nt igli'Hiuriiig oooji startled the night with a j Bteiitori.in orow, which was slirilly echoed by a baiitairj and a dozen or more ol'scnre roost- ers of no oarticular strain, like the birds that crow at election times, " Do ye hear that? An' that ? An' that agin ? An' the wan aftht^r tliat ? Scat! ye bloody minded Banshee, or we'll crow the rags aff o' yer beg- garly l)ack !" The ghost gave a hollow langh, that soundoil like water pouring out of a "Vou may crow," he said, more in his easy converbational style and tone than he liadb< ! using, "till you split your throats; tbi* is ati •inniv'rs.ary night with me, and I Woii't ^t) liome till morning.'' Hia uneasy companion's face fell at this anno uKi. inent, and he looked like a man who felt that h^- had prematurely committed him- self. But he rallied again. "A anniver 'iry, is it? Do ye have it often?" " About rtm .1 j> ar. " "Is that all?"' An' just think ov yer makiu' so m-ich fuss .about that ! Kape on yer hat, or what iv< r ye call it, or yel" have a cowld iu the head. Good evenin'. a^in. " The ghost mildly protested against his haste. It was Christmas Kve, he said, a season devoted to ao.'iability andgooil fellow ship "An' a fom eidee ye have of bein' sociable, to<)," interrupted his auditor ; "Christmas is a nice enough saison, but a frayi- in' hillside at mid.'iiL'ht, wid the wind blowin' jimmycane an' the thermometer twinty-sivin degrays fcrniiist Cairo, isn't the way I'm thii.kin' to' be socia'ole about it, jist." ! "I am delighted to have met vou under' smh " , "Faix. thin, thayre's only wan of us that s feeling "o delighted about it." " Favourable and pleasantcircumstan- ! CCS. I ^<hciuld never have f«)rgiven myseif I had I permitted you to pass by without! sjteakiii!,'. I must msiat " "Bi^u'nrra, thin, it's too har-r-d ye wad be on ycrsi'r intirol\ . It's me that wad give me.-JiU" .il'S(iinti<in tin- a week if I had gone aroun-l the othi i way an' never heard ov ye in me life." • • On yonr further acquaintance." ••Thrue for yon, avick, an' the furdther it in the betther it wnd shait me. An' the (juicker we star-r-t, don't ye see, the fnrd- ther we cnn make it before momin'. I know Til think hetther ov ye nhin I can't see ye. (tofxt aveiiin'. "Stav." ?aid the sj)ectre, detaining him as he sought to hurry by, "I have to tell you, and that to show yon to-niglit, which will make ycm a rich man. and send me back to my narrow resting nlacc " " Oh h-h ! liear 'imtalk about it ! " «• Never leave it again until the last dread trump shall summon me." " Don't mintion it, don't; don't shpake ov it all. at all." *• My tale is brief and sad." " An' ye have n tail, thin? '' "Listen!" "Shpake!" "In early life- —" "Phwat'sthat?" *• I plowed the racing main." " An' was ye a Granger, thin ? " '* Nny, I was a pir'>.te ! " " Same thing ; kape on ; it's frazin 1 am." " T steepeil my wi.'ked hands in human gor- tor many years. When my atrocious crimes} had amassed me a princely fortune, I repented me of my evil ways." " Muslia thin, it wnr you fur knowin' whin to repint. " " 1 bade . i to my evil companions, and taking my — " " Ah, did ., t^ opgh ? An' it was a cau- tiousoulil refon t -'e was, all the same." " of our Ux-gocten spoils; I fled west far to the inland — pursued by the stinjn ot an avenging conscience and a sherifrs posse. " " It was thim as stirreif up your con> shince." " I reached this city in safety and hid my gold, stained with human lives, in yonder deep ravine. Oft as 1 needed money. I came here by night and got vhat 1 wished." • " ( 'an ye get any ov it now, do ye think ?' "One winter night— a cold, bleak Christ- inas Kve — returning from snch a visit to my hoard, I was waylaid by two men, who sus- pecte(l my .secret, on this very spot " •' (Jood avenin' !"' "Stay yet one moment. They seized me, hulled me to the ground " "Here?" " On this very spot where we now stand. They " " Let's walk furdther down the hill." " Listen. They hurled me to the ground, and, as I struggled for my gold, they — slew me!" "Phwat!" "They cut my throAt from ear to ear !" A MODERN OOBLIN. the furdther ne. An' th« 'e, the ford- in'. I knovrj can't se« ye. I etaiiiing hun have to tell 'igltt, which fend me back It it!" intil the Uwtl t shpake ot II n. frazin I am. ' -1» in human my atrociona 3ly fortune, I fur knowin' panions, and it was a cau- he same." ; I fled west >y the stiiiffB 1 a 8heri#8 p your con- and hid mj I, in yonder fjney. I came shed." >ye think? ' )lcak Chri«t- visit to my !'n, who sn«- )Ot " f aeized n»e, now stand. e hill." the ground, they— slew to ear "M-i-M-i-a m-u-r-d-t-h-e-r ! An' did it hurt?" " It has:;gled some, but—" " An' du\ yez niver git over it ?" " I died !" "Oh-h-h ! Bouen of the martyrs ! GOOD avenin !" "Stay a nitjment. 1 " "Ah yu$>, shtop a minit. It's yerself is the |>leasaiit man to beshtoppin' \>u\, uu the hillside at midnight. Go oit, tliiii, for it's •tar\iii' wid tiie cold I am." " I died wliere 1 fell ; and a coroner u jury, after due (Itliburatiou, returned averdici, on luv lifelesc) remains, that 'the alle>.'eil dei^eas- e<i ( uine to liis pro' able ilea' h in a tit of tem- porary iiiauiti'in, induced by the administer- iu>/ of uantotic drug or drvi^a, by Honie visi- tation of i'rovidence to the jury unknown.' ■' VVur Lh.vt all, alanna ? 1 thought ye .uiti tliey tut the tliroat ov ye." "They diil. But the uitellij^ent citizens who composed the coroner's jury could not see that tli.tt liad anything to do witii it. Since that time, once a year, on every anni- versary of my untimely death, lam forced to leave my ^'rave " " Oh, niorLial man ! don't shpake ov ii at all, an' us out here in the dark an' coul i,and niver a dhrop ov anythin;^ to rise tlie cockles ov me heart wid nearer tiian town, liui kape on. " '* and haunt this hill. My spirit can- uot rest in peace uatil the inomy which I left conctalud trom human ^azc sli.ill be given into hands tit to be entrusteil with wealtii." "All" is that all, acushla ? (Jo I'ack to yer «ltn, and dhraw yer stool to tiie fire, an" be comfoit.dile. t^how me wharc to dig ji^t, and sorrow light, upon int- av y( il ever iiavr anymore nade to wake up an' worry about another cint as long as ye live— 1 iiiune, as lon§ as ye don't liv»'. \\ hare's yer bank ? J)ivil l>e in inu Itut thare'll be such a run on it in about tt-n minitH they'll think theie's an ould-t'asliiont d Auiericm iiauio broke lousuin gtioutlaiiil, tor a truth. Uaii't shlapc because ye can't givt yei money away ! iMushfi.thiii, it's ineself can't shlajie often enough betause 1 haven't ony to give away, or to Uaie, aytlicr. Slmw me yer threasury, avic ; I'm yer oystlur. " " Years ago I might have given it away, had men luit known my secret. But the spell laid m|om mc " "A spell ov what?" " forbade mo to reveal my liidilen wealth until 1 should meet a man going home sober, on C'hriHtuias Eve, w)io would not be afraid of me. The condition was u liard one, for although in my ani.ual hauntingu I have met many men plodding up this hill too drank to be frightened, you are the first sober man I have met on Cbristraas Eve since the city was an Indian trading post. " "Ah well then, it's small blame to them, for its gettin' really to shwear oti'New Year's day they are, the whole jing-banj^ of tliim. Troth, they do that every year. •* You did not manifest any fear at my sudden appearance. You were not, ap- parently, afraiil of me ; you- — " ".t\'.raid. is it?" " 1 merely remarked that you were not afraid of me " "Is it me?" "I said, my quick-tempered frieud, that "Is it you?" "Calm yourself, my bellicose mortal, I simply " '• Listen to 'im I Hear 'im talk about ony body l)ein' ashkared ov an ouhl l)ag >' l)ones sthaii'iin' in tiie dark makin' faces ! Why, ye coiisaited old skeleton, is it comin' to Anicriky to be shkared wid ycu I'd he, whin we had a ghosht ov our own in the Oiild Sod for more n twinty \<,irs? A ghosht that wur wortli ein' shkared ov, too." " You surprise me," said the ghost. " Are you (|uite certain that your own lainily was favoured with tiie pennanent soeiety of a gho.st? You will p;'.rd(ii me foi in iinating tirtt your .•'ppearanec Miid dress do not iudi- eate a .station in life that calls forMhfl a con- dition ot things. For I am docideiliy under the impresiiioii that we are peim.'ttd to haunt only a i istocratic families, wle> iidiabit large rambling houses, with long ;.looniy coriidois and luaguihcent bay wiiidowh and lofty mansard roofs and heavy inoir'a-es; (ull of <:ark •orners and convenient hiuing places tor ghosts, and frequently so unconi- tortable and dreary, especially on the occasion of a poor relation's visit, that no one but a ghost can ei joy living ii. them. 1 oiict ki.ew a most respcctaide ghost, a ^poetic of a most extia'irdinaiy rugged constitiuuii, who haunied one of tlioe houses, and went to sleep in tlit spare room one iii^dit and wa.s so laid up with the rheuina' ism that he was unable to get out of his gra\e " *' '1 tie saints betune us ! I^oii't mention It!" " for nearly six weeks. I took his place at the maiiHion during his indisiioMtion. A dreary, frosty place enough, tilted up I elegantly with a thousand dollar )iiano, a I cohtly mechanu s lien, r>ruM.sel.-* caipet."*, a cha»^tel mortgage or two, French plaie win- dows, a tax title, and a few similar < xpeiKsive luxuries. I did not wish to be laid up with the rheumatism, so I took preventives instead of cures. From being frosty and chilly, I made that house the warmest place this side of " A MODERN OOBUN. " Don't say it, alann» ! Skip that ! " " the eiinator," pursaed the gliost, quietly. " Tt soon became the most hospit- able maDsiou on the street. It was full of company all the time, and poor relations camu ami got 8(|uare meals and slept in the begt beils atnl were made welcome. You can- not itnaj,'ine how I softened that old fellow's proii<l heart. .\nd you must excuse nie if I say tliat yon do not appear to belong to that favoured class which is honoured with here- ditary ghosts. A ghost, my uusophisiticated friend, is mi expensive luxuiy. " " Thrue for you, it is, thin. The wan we had was the most expinsive thing we wur ever t. troubled wid. He kim till the house in nic father's time an' I dunuo how long befoar." " Did he look like me?" " Sorra the wan ov him. He'd ate a rigi- mint ov ypz in a minit. Shondhers like a sailor au' a head net on 'im like a bull dog's. He wur a i,'hoHht now that cud talk to ye about bcin' ashkared ov him." " Does he ever annoy — that is, entertain you now t " " Faix, thin he doesn't. It isn't hore he cud live at all, at all. It wur in the onld countliry he did be vexin' us an' tfisin' the life out ov us from mornin' till night." " Why, did he appear in the daytime, then?"^ "It wur grace lur his bones that he did. Be the holy poker, alauna, it wur waitiu' fur him ill the dark twiiity times a ino.ntli we was. Catch an Irish ghosht comin' in the dark. He knowed whin to come." " Did you ever try to lay the ghost ?" " \Vau3t. The byes laid him with a black- thorn s*^ick, ;in' Horra the wan of him throuUled us agin fur six week.s afther.'' ( " 1 don't understand. Whv did he haunt you ? What was ' •• Wiiy did he? For the rint. av i>"orse. It was the thavin' ould lamllord. bloody end to him. Talk about ghosts ! The oubl boddcii/h Sfisfi'iKi'/fi gev us more throui)le in wan ilay than the whole jing-bansf ov autih thiu legi^ed spooks as yerseU" cud make us in a week. Thare was wan time the ould swaddlcr kim down to Muldoonery's shebeen — ye knew the Muldoonerys ?" " The name is familiar, but I can not saj' that I liver had the homiur of the family's acquaintance." "The betther for you thin, for ye died wid a wlude head " " But my neck was spoiled." "Oh-h, by tliis an' by that, listen to him ! Don't .sphake ov it. The Muldoonerys was me father's own family. O^M Malachi Muldoonery, wan of the Killalali'dis, tliim as was own cousins to the O'Slaughtory'a of Killgobbin — ah, thim was the high-toned wans fur ve; when it come to ouldlamUies, they lifted the pins, jist. They had a ghosht ov thare own, a rale wan, sphooky enough to frighten a horse from his oats, thar wore a long nightshirt like yer own, an' carried his head undher his arm. Oh, Gog's blakey, but he wur the boss ghosht. He wur beheaded fur headiu' a rebellyun three bundhred years ago. Ah, tare-an-onns, the tussle me own uncle, who was an O'Slanghtery, had wid this same gho.4ht wanst. We heard the a()hook thramplin' up an' down the hall, fnr he always wore a shurt of armour undher his white dhress, an' me uucle got up an* wint oat, an' peerin' down the dark hall, sees him. " ' Arrah !' sez me uncle. "Sorra the word se? the ghosht. " ' Are ye thare ?' sez me uncle. "The ghosht stoppeil walkin' and screwed on his head like the head ov a cane. " ' An' phawt av 1 am ?' sez he. I "'Come out o' that, thin, ye bladdher- I hang,' sez me umde. i " ' I won't, thin,' sez the ghosht. " ' Ye'd betther,' sez mc uncle. , " ' I hadn't tliii.,' s«/ the ghosht. " ' Do ye know what this is, ye omadhawn?' ' se/ me uncle, balancin' his blackthorn. I " ' None o' yer chaff, acz the ghosht. "'I won't lave u whole bone in yor carkidge,' sez he. "' Phwat!' sez the ghosht. " ' I wont !' sez he. i " ' Yer a liar !' sez he. 1 " Is it me ?' says he. " ' Show me yer head I' sez he. " ' Whoop !' snz he. " ' Hurroo !' sez he. " Whack 1 wint the black- thorn, and wid that the whole house was roused wid a boUerin' an'roarin' that wud shame the bulls ov Bashan. It was me uucle, an' they found him out dures tied to the gate posiit wid a bed-conl half a mile long and knotted up that way that it tuk tliiin till after daylight to ontie him, for sorra the khot cud they cut. Oh, heavy heart go wid the ghosht that tied him out in the cowld that a- way. An' after they got him untied he died." " Immediately?' asked the speutrc. " Och, the divil, no; about twenty-siviu years afther. But this isn't tellin' me about the famous baul< ov your.s?" " True." said the spector, " we are losing time. To you, who have kept .sober (Jhrist- mas Eve, and have scorned to desecrate the sacred memories of the seas*) " " Tower ov ivory !" whispered the exile of Killatalick, " av that isn't pnrty good for an oM cut-throat ov a pirate !" hieh-toned ulrl families, hail A ghosht ooky enough tbat wore a i' carried his blakoy, hut ur beheaded idhred year* sle me own rv, had wid heard the the hall, far our undher ffot up an' ) dark hall, md screwed ie. 'e bladdher- It. ht. )miidhawn?' lorii. Iiosht. >ne in yor MIDDtSRIB'* PIC'NIO. 19 1, and wid <ed wid a 10 thti bnlls thu-y found >aiit wid a LUiitted up &r daylight eiul they lie ghosht lilt a- way. ied." tro. eiity-siviii Mie Jibuut are losing er (Jliriat- !i!rate the IB exile of >od for an " ftnd have shown the integrity of your moral being " "An phwat'a thim, I wondher?" '• in that you feel no fear of visitants from the s»)irit world, t4» you I commit g<U«i won by dislioneiit mojUiH, but which at laut reaches honest htuids that will devote it to worthy puriioses. Coinu M'ith rae and do aa Jtelly.Hi." Crossing himself with an energy and rapidity that mdic itud a alight lack of oon- tidence in the moral standing of liis* ^'uide, the descendant of th*' MnldooneryM of Kill- gobbin followed his ghoutiy leader down the hill-side into the hollow and along the course of the bewildered ami frozen brook, until they paused before an irregular wall of rock, long ago cut <lown by tlie action of the water. As they stood before this rude wall, the spectre turned to his companion. " If," ho saiil solemnly, "you do not feel •8 though you could maintain the atricteat silence, and not utter a word or an exclama- tion, no matter what wonders you may sea, do not follow me farther. The charni which opens the care of my hidden wealth to your eyes, closes it in destruction on any violation of the spt'll under which I am held. Are you ready ? On your life now, do not utter a sound. " The ghost tcntched the rock with hia bony hand. It yawned like a door, and in the cavern behind the gloomy entrance they crept, crouching, along a narrow passage until the roof arched and they stood erect. An open cheat lay at their feet ; flittering jewels sparkled like stars in the ;^loom ; precioua stones in the mysterious coffer gleame«l till their raya pierced the shadowy ftall of the cavern with a pale, tremulous ight. At a silent motion from the si)ectre, the mortal, trembling with excitement and eagerness, bent down and seized the chest. Once, twice, thrice, he straineil every muscle, and tugged until it seemed as though his eyes were bursting from their sockets. but the glittering fortune seemed immovable. He set every nerve for one tremendous effort ; he brafoil his feet tirndy, and once more f rasped the handles of the coffer. It moves ! 'he ransom of an empire ia his ! " S'matter 'ith you fellers ? Hie ? Watchu doin' ? Hey ?" The blindiu!,' liglit, and thee leaf (iiioii crash that followed, lasted acarce the duration of the lightiiing'a liush, and all was darkness and silencp. ^viij,|j the gray light of morn- ing quenched the beams of the jialing stars, the exile woke to consciousness to find him- self lying oiitBidc the |}[M<U-bound cavern, with the unbroken rook looming cold and pitilesa beside him, anti hi* dream nt wealth w»flgQne. A f«iu); odvMR.of 9t^f;wbiBk«y kined the wintry zephyrn, and a shattertd bottle in the near disttuu^c laj like » mournful memory of hi-i iiappy dreanni. When the unhappy man's .riends discovered him, they took in all lliu condition;! of the chcerlesa bivouac, and when in the co/y surroundings of his licme he tidd hit marvellous narrative, they were sceptijal enough to declare that tiiey believed all the story about the ghost, ami the cavern, and the money chest was >>i\\\ ihc inspiration of that l)ottlo before it w a» broken, and that the exile of Kilboggin "aw (he light and heard the crash when he staggered over the cilge of the wall and broke ins head. Hut lie still believes that if the young fellow who went into camp on the hillside at the opening of this story had not tiuiahed his sleep and broke in upon them in such an untimely manner, he would never again have done a harder da\ 's work than cutting off coupons from governmtait bonds. The rest of ua know that this is.true. And if any young man doubta tiie truth of thie veracious chronicle, he c&u easily verity ita statements by keeping sober next Chiiatmas Eve, and patrolling thetpiiet streets until he meets the ghost. And if he doesn't see the spectre, he will at least enjoy the singular sensation of going home sober on ( hiiMtn as Eve, a thing of much greater rarity and won- iler to most of " the boys" than an interview with a .Moneyed Ghost. Middlerlb's Picnic. "It isn't age that makes people grow old," reinaikedMr. Middlerib to his family as they were gathered at the breakfast table. " It is incessant application ; it is unending, incessant work and worry. The mind, the bo ly, all the faculties, mental and pli> sical, are kept on the alert, withovit rest or reerea- tion, until outraged nature rises in rebellion against the slavey to which it is subjected, and deludel man, with ail the aches and trc« niour of sendity in his young joints, awakes to find that lie hits lived his three score yiars and ten in iialf his allotted number of liaya. " .And, witii this s<age remark, Mr. Middlerib leanetj back in his chair and regarded his fa- mily with the air of a man who has just im- parted a viilume of iaformation that would stagger the average comprehension. " Tliat's what ailed these spring cliiekena, I reckon," snggested Master Middlerib, struggling with a wing that wassupp led with the latest improveii tiah-piate joints ; " wore themselves out trying to lay ten years' eggs in five." Mr. Middlerib gazed at the boy in a mean- ing manner, and the young gentleman imr mediately elevated one of his elbows until it TTAS w high »A bis head, and hold his guard WM MIIIOLBKIB'M PK' NI<;. up whtln lin wurily i-ni(ar<lfi| hi* pnront'n din- *»^^^^^'^ hno'l. Mut, tTii- unuiil ooimotjiKnict^ii dl<l it<il, liil|iiw, ituil Ml, Mi'i(|li-til> iirocoeil- •«l (U» (»riii'iiii)i;4i Mini, ||i< wmilil nhakii off MiM niti'lul nrtn<M nl liii>tiri)!Hi4, ari<l frtm hliitaolf Iroiit Mif «im<iklnii of ciiiriinnrciul nnr- ♦itiiilf. mill <'iij<iy li imiiK; wiMi Imm ritiiiily Aliil It (I'w 1 Ill-Ill fiiiiitiU, ,\iiil iiiiint'ilintclv U|Miii llim. I.Iki finnih IhumiiI tlmir toiiniH-H »ni| 'iilltiol III! tii^ntlii I, itml liM Iniiil nn<l rml AN |Miii«ilil«) |.ir t.wnnly IJVK iriiiiiitim. TIkmi, Ml*. \lli|<l|i<i ill, Miitiliii^; lii'iii^iiiy ii|i(iM Mil' ■antii* iif iili'.iNiii'o wliiili liiN Biiii'iiiiHcini-iit h»il <'riii(t.i'i|, wniih nil t,it liiN iillii!!'. VVIiiMi III! rntiMii'il. \1mm MiiMlnrili liml ii IimI, nnuli' nut of l.lir |Mii|il<« t.llnv M'lillltl invil.i'. It •■IllliniOI'il iiii<> liiMiilri'il liiiil liftiu'ii iwiuii'N, iiot initliiiling »lt«iiimtim, iiml Mr. iMiil-lli«nli'M jaw fril \\h lir IJti/.i'il iki tJiiK'iitii Infill'. " hiujflitiM, ili'di. " III! rimiarUoil, an noun M lii< I'liiiM ritiiiiiiaiiil liJH fi'Mliii^H. "i|ii you tftlif MIK 1,11 (\ilv,i|y MlHHHiii Suniliiy Hfllliol, that yoii lii^vK iiirliiiloil t,li«i i!(UiHiiHof tlio mty in inir |iiimiic f " Tlii'ii i'\|>hmiiti(iui» wi'iv ilt'inaiiilcil. ami it »|ipi<ari<il lli.it Ml. Mi.lilliirih'H i.|*<a lia<l Iummi tit tsiliK I ('<Mi|i|ii (»f liij^ wax^jMiH. IiiiiiihIu«.1 Witli t«iii|iiirury MoatH, ami liavo .1 i|i> JiIimIIv riMlii', iilil IiiiIiihiumI iMi'iiif. Ill' mi I'Xi'liiHivi'ly fmiiily iiiiiiiii'. Ami Mihh Mnldli'iiK mit tioWllllllil lllutliMJ out ailnViMI llllU Iri'.i l!.llllt>'< With iv.iVH, alloi' whi.li Mr. \|iil.|liinl> >;,»/c I Ilium till' ii<\ I u'll iiMil riMiin'toil int. ('X|iii i^i'i milium, miil |iriiii.iiiiii'i'il it yno.l. Tlu'ii (lu'\ llin'.l iipoii iliK •iay, wliu'li \\:\H H(<((.!i>(l aitiu lltiii'li w i'aiii{li.i^ ami |mi)IiiiiiiiI lii.si'ii.sNiim. Mr. M. >\i'iit nut aiiil liiiil.Kil nt tlio Hky, ami lintiul thi< iliri>i<li<<n i>l lln wiiNJ, nihl >v.'U<-li<>il tlio imniMiiiMiN III tile • imi>iu'\ HwallnwH witli M I'litii'.'il Mill Hi'iiMititi • «>\i>, ami 1 luui' III Mini Kiiiiiium<i><l that It wiiiiiil mit i.iiu tnr livf iImn 1, ami ilh'\ woulil havn tln' pu'iiii' jiisf, two ilavN lii'|iin< !lii' ram. .Vinl from (ho hour 01 Ihai aiiiiouiuMMiuMit (lint MiihllsMih laiiiilv •ml llii'ir iiiMlcl ri'lalioiis ili>| 110; liiui; hut liaUc, ;iuil 10. ml. .'III. I ;it.i\v, mill iron (■|..||vi'h, mill ili'.'hiii' lhi'\ w.'ii- (irml to (It'atli mill «oul,i |ii< ^liiil when It «i»H all ovor ami I iloiio >nth It in M Hoiiu'what lomarkalilo f*ot lh;)l all pi'-ijiUMvlio iiiako u|i timii iiiiiiiis ti> »j» l» *» |ii>'iU(', («hvay.>t >lo «a> (iiit (lu-y Will hi' fjlad « liiMi It i!< o\(>r. (\u.l art as ihongli (hity w«>it' ^>Mll^ moroly an an not ol it(>|| (liMim! auil rt .imrtitioatiim of thf Uoiih, Ihit wluMi tlu>»Uy «iuall\ r»>ll«>(l anuiiiil. an ilnvK >m1I imII, (hi' i<\.'i((Mu«'u( wftji at \\» hiMiilu I'ho Niin (<iriii»ulo,l to Ihn pl.i.o at tiu> unual hour, :»•< wooii ,'«s lio was callcil, aii.l lux Wvvl. itil la '«» ha«i a terribly « il.l nu,! tt«»i>i)v«t<><t l.vk M ho^Utihl thuaitih thoWhk of ohnhin t.h«( Otlli»Ut«Hl hl« |tt>tt.lU^Up pU(H>, M thoiVith \\9 h»<i ImmM t«M-ing| MVUlttl *Uj night, anfl ha'i nuver had iiin hootti or)', and had oiiiy got up to collar the water pitcher. No ivomler thfi whoh; party loit uoutiiiencfl in Miiidi u nun the moment thoy looked at hitit. \\t' lonkitd too much liki^ a prodigal Mun, juHt hefore ho got ntarvui into reform, ralhiir thmi a Minilin^, cheery picniu sua. Ami till; .MnldhniliR took turiiH gmiig out Hiiuly ail' I ill Hiii.ill ^roiipH to l')ok at him, ami iiivili; liiH tinpromiHing appcir'iiice, and aftur Hacli III it^orvation they would return to thi< houHit and auk eacli other in toMt.-.s some- wliat tinged with a teiidor imdaiicholy, " Well, what do yon tliink of it?" And the (pniHtioiied one would HtiHe a sigh ;i'i ! i(q)ly, " I don't know, do yon ?" There ia no Heine in all this wi le world of pathim more [latlietio than u group ot un\i(iU8 iiiortaU, on til" morn of a pienic, trying to delude eaeh other into tlie helief that wlien the Hky is eovei'd witii heavy hiaek clouds, HllO feet, thiek, .inl a damp soud is driving through the air, and the sun is only half vi.silile oeeasioiially through u thin eloiid that in waiting to ho patohed up to the Hiandard tlneUniiss and den^^ity, it is ui iit^ to boa vety line day indeed. 80 the Middleribs looked at the oojipeiy old sun, and the dmiial clouds, and trioil to look cheer- ful, and Bald oncoiiraj^iiigly th.il "Oh, it never rained when the clouds can lo up that w ly ; " and. " See, it is all clear over in the I'a'Ht ; ' ami, " it often rains very heavily in town when there doc^n t a ilro[> • 1 water fall at riiifpc'-t Mill." \\\(\ thus, with many encouraging remarks of similar import, they awaited t he gatlu-ring of the pait\, and the liiiin.in lieiii^s tinally eliiiibed into one waggon put the haiket-s and the boys in tlu; oJicr, and drove away, t;ii.;gling and howling with well disseinliled ulcc. The happy party, although tiiey well knew Hint it would not ram, had taki n th" pre- caiitnm iie<ertliele8s 10 take a lar^'e a>sort- inent ot shawls and umbrellas. Tluy werti a ((iiarter of a mile from town w iit n 11 began to thunder some, but as it didn't thunder in the direction of I'rospe.'t Hill, distant some three niilis, they went on, conJideut that it wiisu't r.'iiiiing, and wouldn't and couldn't ram ;it rrospccl Mill. They were half a mile from town when the cloud that all the losi oi the clouds had been waitiiik; for cfcinc up and sftt down on the last, solitary linger- ing patch of blue that broke tlie maiotoiiy of theli'adeu sky, but the l»arty pr-ssed on, con- tideiit that they would lind line s-ky when they got to ri\wfH>ct Hill. They wcrc a mile from (own when old Aquarius pulUvi the bot- tom out of the ram waggon and began the en- iortatiimcnt. It was a grand nucces*. The ourtAin hadn't l>^«n up t«u nunute« l^fore all th« atMuliag room in tht; hooa« waa ukuk >p i>ut« ory', and iu;r pitcher. it <;'iiiHiieace •y looked at • a priirligal ill Id niform, pK'Iliu 8UQ. IH goil'g out >iik ta him, iriiice, and tl lettini to t.o.Hj.s Hiime- iindiinoholy, f" Ami the ;li ;iM ' mply, il'' w'dild of |i ot ail \ioaB IV, Lryiiig to I' that wiien iiii'k cl'iuds, III It driving IS only half ill tdoiid that ;lii! HtHiidard I'iii^ til bo a iMidilloribs 111, iiiiil the lii.ik nheer- »i "Oh, it 'luno up that iiv»fr 111 the f lie,i\'i!y in • i >vi»t«i fall with many iiiiptiit they it\, iuid the u one WitgLfon 1 the uJuT, iivvliiig with L-y wi'll knew HI til" pre- liiru'i' a*«<)rt- I'luy wer»! Ik'Ii il hr'gan t iliuiidir in istaiit Kiinie ii'tit t\\At It lid couldn't »eio half a that all the lik; fiT cfcine itar.v liiiijer- nt'Uotoiiyof fstnl on, oon- ■ >l»y when ^«clo a mile llo.( the l)4»t- i-^an the eji- ic»». The e* l)«for« all aa t*kaa ap MinnLElUU'S PK NIC. SI and the box olTicc was closed. Tho Middlo- rib party having gone early, and aei-urod front seats, were able to »oo everything. They expressed their plesuiure by loud shrieks and howls, and wails. They tore uinbrell.-is. that had been furtively plaoed in the wagon, out of their lurking places, and shot them up with such abruptness that the hats in the waggon were knocked out in the road. Then the waggon stopped and people crawled out and wadeit around after hats, and came piling back into the waggon, their feet loadcil with mud. Thv umbrellas gol into each ether's way, and from the points of the ribs streams of dirty viiter trickled down shud- dering backs, and stained immaculate dresses, and took the independence out of ghissy shirt fronts. Ami the picnic party turned homeward, but still the Middleribs (lid not lose heart. They smiled through their tuivrs, and .Miss Middlerib, beautiful in her grief, still advocated going on and having the picaic in a barn, and wept when they iofnsed her. It rained harder every rod of the way b;wU. Then they got every body and every thing in the house, the heart-rend- ing discovery was made that the boys had taken the rubber blanket which was to have covered the baskets in case of rain, and spread it over tliemselvcs when the moisture leathered, and cousoqueiitly the odibloa were in a state of dainpn"ss. Then the clouds broke, mid the nun eamo out, and smiling nature stood around looking as pleasant as though it had never played » mean trick on a ])icnic party in its life ; and the Middleribs hung themselves out in tho sun to dry 'ul tried to jilay' croquet in ^he wet grass to keep up their spirits as well as thoy know how, and were not cross if they did get wet. If smiling nature lu.l only given them a show, or oven half a chance, thoy would have got along all right. Thoy were bound to have tho pienie jiarty anyhow, so they kept all the relations at the house, aud when dinner time came, tho grass was dry and thoy set tho table out under tho trees and made it look as picnicky as possible. It clouded uu a little when thoy wore setting the table, hut nobodv thought it looked very threatening. The soaked things had been dried as carefully as possible, and the table looked boautinil when they gathered around it. And just about the time they got their plates filled and doclare<I that they were glad they came back, and that tiiis was ever mo much bettor than Pros- pect Hill, a forty acre uloud came and stood riffht over the table, and then and there wont rU to pieces. The pleaaure-seekem grabbed whatever they oonld reach aud bnike for tho house, uttming a wild shriek of diimAy. They 6 ciMwded into the hall, which wasn t halt" big enough, and there they »Uhm\ on eavdi other's trains, and trod o\\ e.aeh others corns, and J oiired oolFee down each <»ther's b.u'ks, and jabbed forks into one another's anus. When one frantic looking woman would rush in and set a plate of i-ake d(»wn on tlie lloi)r while she dived into tiic rain with a woman's anxiety to ret'over some more provisions from the dripping wreck, a forlorn looking man would immediately 8te|> on that plate of cake, I and stand there ga/.ing woiideringly and ap- Iirehensively at the slirii>king crowd .iround liiii, pointing their forks an<I lingers at him and his feet, and yelling, in a deafening chorus, sunething as utterly uiiintiliifible as " shouting jirtneriis." .\ii(i when tlic man, in a vain effort to do something in cmnplianco with the shrieking which was evid»'ully in tended for him, atepped olV the cake and stood ill a huge dish of baki-d be.'ins, tiic witil I of consternation that went up from the I'on- \ gregation fairly rent the bending skies. .And when Uncle Steve, who had found Aunt (^irrio's baby out under the deserted table, maintaining an unequal struggle with half of a huckleberry pie and a whole tliiindi<r storm, eamo tearing in with a helpless infant, and, dashing through tho crowd, deposited it on top of a pile of hard-boiled ef>gs, MisH Mid- dlerib fainted, and tho youngest gentleniHii cousin was driven into a spasm of jealousy because he couldn't walk over a row of cold meats and lobster salad to get to hi<r, and had to endure the misery of seeing iAw oldest and ugl.est bachelor uncle carry her drooping form to a sofa, and lay her tlown tenderly, with her classic head in a nest of enwiiii tarts and her dainty feet on Sadie's .lenny liind cako. And when Mrs. Mitldlerib looked out of tho window, and saw the dog lleedle with his fore paws in the leinonadn liueket, growl- ing at ctmsin <lohii, who was tryiiiu to drive aim out of it, she expressed a willingness to die right there. And wh«n they were start- led by some unearthly sounds and iniitlled shrieks, that even rose above tho hitman ba- bel in the hall, and found that tho jat had got its poor head jammed tighter than wax in the mouth of tho jar uhat contained tho cream, everybody just sat on the plato of things nearest him, and gaaped, " What next T " while cousin David lifted eat and jar by tho tail of the f(»rmor, and cat riod them out to bo broken apart. And when old Mr. liubolkins lost his teeth in tho (Mtll'eo not, half tho people in tho hall began to hmo heart, anii one dinoouragod young cousin said he half wiahwl that thoy had put tho pio-nio off a day. And finally, whon the iinroar waa at ita heiaht, the dmir-boU rang, aud the aunt nuareat the door opened it, aud there atoo<l the Hon. Mrs. J. (J. P. K. tt Von BUth*friug< 82 MASTER BILDERBACK'S POULTRY YARD. ford and her daughter, the richest and moit fltyluh people in the neighbourhood, arruyed like fashion-plates, making their Hrst formal call. While they stood gazing in mute be- wilderment at the scene of ruin and devaata- tiuu and chaos before them, Mis. Mlddlerib just got beliind the door and pounded her head against the wall ; wiiile Miss Middlerib, springing from her sofa, ran to her rooia, leav- ing a trail of Jenny Lind cake and cream ti»ru8 bc'h-nd her, as the fragments dropped from her back hair and heels. And the rest of the company, staring at the guests with their mouths full of assorted provisions, and their hearts full of bitter disappointment, mumbled, in hospitable chorus, "Wupiu." wliich, had their mouths been empty, would have been rendered, "Walk in." This blow settled the picuig. (iloom hung over the house the rest of the day. M:. Middlerib decided, after the company had dej)arted, that the easiest aid cheapest way to clean the hall would be to turn the river through it. And tliat niglit when they were Mseuibled at a comfortless tea t; ble — Master Middlerib having been sent U bed ho isick that they didn't think his toe-naiis would be able to hold down till morning- -Mr. Mid- dlerib said : " Jt isn't the steady, iionest, ambitious de- vution to business that makes men old. La- bt)ur is a law of our nature. We are happi- est and most content when we are busiest. It is the healthful labour of the day that brings thc8weet,refre.jhingrepo8eof the night. Plea- sure ilies us when we se«k her ; she comes io us when we least regard her calls. Re- member what I have .'Iways said, and find your pleasure in yov? -Jaily work— in the regular routine of daily life, and its duties and useful avocations — and age will only come upon you slowly, and youth will linger in your hearts and your faces long years af- ter your allotted days of youth are past. The next time you want to have a picnic, remember how n?any times I have warued you against them. " Halter BUilerl>»ol^'8 Pou|ltnr T«ra. If there was auytjhiiig she abominat^^ more than one thing, Mri, Bi(4erbauk , used to say with some warmth, it was another, and that was chiqVeuK. And Kbe resoiiit^ly protested against keeping any of tlieut about the place. 8ho wanted. to keep a few tlowiCfrs this year, and she wasn't going to be murti- Hbd again ae ehe vrae laati^umuier, by haying every woman who called smilti at the (oropt of bare stalks aiul scraggy Iniwabes ^a^ etuod for the ooUeo^pn Qt bon^*, plant^ itiai; ■henndbai imgh^r. irie^to raiftpi fajn 4)riuk , meala Ao lhA.pliM«k b9t .yirhich, ^ere, jfifi^jr fit no more use except to fill the crops of a lot of long-legged, ii angry chickens. And for a long tiuiH the good lady held out stoutly against the chicktu ]ir(>position, hut was at last over-argued and ovcrpei'juuded and gavf her unwilling oouseiit for .daster Bil- iliybackto ki'.ii]) tJircc do/cm cliicUeiis, the party of the second jiart ltiiidi<i>; liiiiiself to keep the table supplied with fresli e.^gs and spring chickens, and to keep all liens, roost- ers, and all young chickens of unknown sex, but of sullicieiit piiyaical development to scratch, out of the front yard and auay from tlie riowcr bed.s. Thia eo'ntr.vct Master Bilderbaek placed himself under heavy bonds to carry out, l>y sayiui^, "honi^st injuu," "pon nonnour," and -'eross my lieirt,'" and having sidemuly repeated this awful an<l im- pressive forniuii), lie went .sedately out of the room and inimodirvtely threw himself down on a verbena bed, where lie p;)uuded tlie ground with hia heels in the ecsta- sy .)f his joy In due time the new hen-h )a.so xaa completed, and Mr. l.ililerbaek, breathing maledictions on the wretches who nullod the pickets oil' his front fence for kiiidlju:; wood, had that important boundary re[»aired l)cfore he noticed that the apertures in tlie tenee correapomled to eer- tain neat lookini,' improvements on the hen- nery. TliK house was stoekel rather slowly, for it W.1S j)art, of tiio contract which Mrs. Bildnrbaek had drawn that the party of the sccuud part shoulil purchase his own stock. It was notieeabio that Master Bildcrbaek'e taste ran greatly toward gamoy looking rooster-, aiul as the perches in the hsnnory beL'n.ine mmo and moi e ))(>pulated, the outlook for fresh ektgs and ,s[)ring chickens became very discouraging indeed. The lirat fowl th*i f)oultcrer brou^^^ht liouio was a gfiunt Ham- mrg with ono eye and a game leg, but . beautifully spanglcii, wdiich interesting bird, Master Bild»u-back informed his sisteff was the worst pill in the box and had lost his eye while lighting a cow. The next day rie tradod a pocketful of marbles for a little bantam that crowed twenty-four hours a day, could sli}) throu^di a season criickin a warped board, could dig a hole in the middle oj a rtowcr bad that you could bury a calf in, Thero wnb,ut a momcut'a silence about; the house after the liantam's arrival, for when he , was not lighting tlie Hamburg, wliieli was only when that valiant but ]>rui|ont bird got up lUL top of the house and iiid behiiMJ a chimney, he was wandering through the, house trying Ilia voic,<?,in the difl'qrenti ^o^ns, or sl.au^lu)g on the frofit uoroU issuing prq- iplamations of dctiance to all roosters to whom : thei|q pr«)s»eHtH might,«oiue, greeting. A itay, or two, afttjr I the Wji/^m's amy4 Mm^; , ,Bil«^hfick traded , hiijjtuifo hi a oij^ tSpahish rooster witli a nroken wing. Toe A SUNDAY IDYt. 88 And for a out stoutly liut was at uaded aacl il aster Bil- icUens, the ; himself to sh e>4gs ami hens, I'uost- kiujvvn sex, lopineiit to and away •act Master loHvy bonds ^-st injuu," u';irt," aud fill an<l im- y out (if the iiself down iiuided the the oosta- tiiiie the , aud Mr. ous on the od" his front t juipurtant Lied tliat the led to (jer- m the heu- tlier slowly, ivhich Mrs, urty of the own stock. Bildcrbai,k'fB luy looking ;ho hsnnery , the outlook ous became irst fowl th"! ^aunt Hara- e log, but , oatiug bird, sisttjrs was I lost his eye ixt day "he for a little hours a day, in a warped niddle ox a y a ualC in, u about) tlio for when h« , whieli wa» out biriil Hot id behiiMT a thi'ough th« erenti mujiib, isijHing urq- tors to wliom i^jg. A ilayi \oi a bladj, wing. Tn« Spaniard when put in the coop proceeded at once to clean out the dishearteued Hamburg, her on the head, just abaft her ear, with his heel, gently dropping her ; " grassed the old who fought ou the tactics which had so often ' lady," Master liihlerback afterward ex- provod of so iireat value to hiin, and anuized plained to his sister, "like a shoe." The his furious autagouist by the briskness with wretched bird paused as he passed the sitting wliich he gut out of the coop, uj) ou to the ; room window, which was just about ou a le- barn, aud perched liiuiself on the restless and vel with his head when he stooped, to look uncertain weather-cock. The Spaniard and in aud make some unintelligible remarlt in a the bantam then liad it until neither of them , guttural tone of language, and snatching up could f taiMl, when the pacific Hamburg im- : a new tidy wliich Miss Bildcrbaok was at proved the opportunity to come down and work upon, swallowed it aud passed on. partake of the lirst square meal he hail eaten Wherever he trod he smashed a house plant, since the new boar.lers had come to the [ and whenever he croaked he threw somebody house. Two days later, ijaster Bilderback into a lit. He met .Mr. Bildeiback as lie In-ought home a vile looking white rooster suddenly turned the <!oriicr of tlic house, ran with no tail feathers, his comb shaved oft" against the old geutleniaii with a wild kind close to the head, and spurs as long as your • of a crow that sounded like a .steamboat tluiml), a vile plebeian of a rooster without a ' whistle with a bad cold, aud, as he trampled line of pedigree, of no particular strain, ex- over the good man's prostrate joiiu, he cept a strain tiiat niude hi.s very eyes turn plucked off his neck-tie aud swalUiwed it. red whfm he growled, which he had bought Then the "buster" wheeled around and for an (dil base ball club. But the nameless ; straddled into the sitting-room win<low, and stranger amazed the proprietor of the hennery before they could head him out of the by waltz'iig into the establishment with a,| window he swallowed two spools (tt cotton, terrific rooster oath, aud following it up by , a tack hammer, a set of false teeth bulo.igiug kicking the bantam clear out of his miml, ; to Mrs. Bilderljack, a cake of toilet soap, a jerking the wattles off the Spaniard, ami shoe buttoner, a ball of yam, an Arctie chasing the persecuted Hamburg half way up overshoe, aud liualiy choked ou a photograph the side of tiie house. This was the last album which Hew open when it was about addition made to the liappy family for some half way down. The bird when la t h^ard time, Mr. Bilderl)ack declaring that l.i was from was still at large ro.imiug around Simth not going so have his premises turned i'^o a Hill, but Master BiMerb.ick's hennery ia cook-pit, and Master Bilderback was sternly ' emiity and lonesome, l)ecauHehis parents are, forbidden to arrange any more meetings in \ for some unaccountable reason, bitterly pre- the alley, with other boys and their l)irds. judiced against keeping chickens. But a few days afterward, when Master j Bilderbadk came home from school, it was ; A Sunday Idyl, evident that he had made a trade. He had ' You see, the tenor had got kiml of ab- scmie oth b jy's shabby oli^haton his head, , straeted, or restless, or somethiuj; during the and there wasn t a lead pencil, piece of i long prayer, aud was thinking al)out the Eu- strin^r, pistol cartridge, top, lish-hook, ropean war, or the wheat corner last week, chalk-line, marble, dime novel, or street | or something, and so, when the minister gave car ticket in his pockets, and he : out hymn '231, on page ()7, and the chorister had a new rooster, the crowning glory of the whisfjered them to sing the music ou page vast collection of fowls that were to furnish 117, ii. all came 'u on tiie tenor like a volley, forth his mother's table with fresh eggs aud aud as he had o»ily the playing of the sym- spring chickens. It was a Shaushai ; young ; phony in which to make tiic necessary corn- one, Master Bilderback said, as no prepared bination of time, hyinu aud page, became to to untie its legs and wings, and introduce it the front just a little bit ilisitrgauized, aud to its new home ; hadn't got his growth yet, his liugers sticking between every loaf of the but he was "n, buster." And Nlrs. Bilder- book. And tho oo'igrogatiini hadn't faced back tnoiight he was. Wheu he was untied the footlights half a minute bef(n-e the con- he stool up and flapped one of his wings in gragatiou more than half suspected somotiiing his proprietor's face, until that young gentle- . was wrong. For, you sec, the soprano, ia man Was ready to "cross his heart' that attempting to answer tho fron/,iol whisper somebody hud hit him with a clapboard. And ! of tho tunor in roganl to the page, l(>at the before he had rocoverod from the effects of first two or throe words of the opening line this blow the noble bird kicked iiim uu<Ier , herself, aud that left tiie alto to start off the ch'n ami darted off to tho front yard alone, for the basso was so profoundly en- with prodigious strides. He utterei^ a mosc gaged in watching tiie tenor and awful croak as he uearod Mr.<. Bi|derbaok, wondoring^ wliat aUot^ him. that ho wh^ was trying to got out of h|^ w*y^ ai^d, ; forgot to siug. 'J'ho music wasn't written in avainatteinpt to Ay over her; lie struck ' for an alto solo, and oousequontly there 84 RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA. wasn't very much variety to that part, and j after singiiiu through the line aloue, and re- i ceiviug neither applause nor boquets for one I of the tiuest contialto eflbrts a Burlington | or any other audience ever listened to, the alto stopped and looked reproachfully at the ^ soprano, m ho had just plunged the tenor's soul into a gulf of dark despair by leaving him to tind his way out of the labyrinth of ' tunes and pages and hymns into which his | headlciisuess hud led him, by giving him a [ frantic shake of her head, which unsettled i the new spring bonnet (jubt the sweetest | duck of a Korniandy), to that extent that | every woman in the congregation noticed it. : All this tin)e the organist was doing nobly, and the alto, rtcovtiiiig her spirits, sang another Itar, which, for sweetnets and tena- cious adherence to the same note, all tiie way through, couldn't he beat in America. , By this time tlie bats had risen to the emer- gency ai.d sang two deep guttural notes, with profound expression, but as those of the congregation sitting nearest the choir could distinctly hear him sing "Ho, ho 1" to proper music, it was painfully evident that the basso liad the correct tune, but was running w ild on the words. At this point the soprano got her time and started oft' with a couple of contideut notes, high and clear as a bird st ng, and the congregation, inspired with an over-rtady confidence, broke out on the last Mord ot the verf^c witJi a discoriiant roar that rattloil the globes on the big chande- lier, and as the versi; closed M'ith this triumph- ant outbieak, an expression of calm, restful satisfaction was observed to steal o\ er the top of the pastor's head, which was all that could be seen of him, as he bowed himself behind the pulpit. The organist played an intricate and beau- tiful interlude without a tremor or a false note ; not an uncertain touch to indicate that there was a particle of excittmeut in the choir, or that anything had gone wrong. The choir didn't exactly appear to catcli the organist's reassuring steadiness, for the basso ltd ofl the stK nd verse by himself, and his deep-toiud " Ho, ho !" was so per- ceptible throughout the fcanct.)ary that seveial people started, and looked down under the seats for a man, an«l one irreverent sinner, near the door, thiust a felt hat into his mouth and slid out. The soprano got orders and started out only three or four words behind time, but she had'nt reached the first siding before she collided with a woman in the audience, running wild and trying to carry a noM- tune to the old words. And then, to make it worse, the soprano handed her book to the tenor, and pointed him to the tune on page 117 and words on page 67, and if that uiibappy man uidn't gc* his orders mixed, and struck out on schedule time, with the tune on page 07 and the words 3U page 117, and in less than ten words ditched himself so badly that he was laid out for the rest of the verse, and then he lost his place, handed the book back to the soprano, took the one the had, and held it ujiside down, and no living man could tell from his face what he « as tiii:}!>^ing of or trying to say. Meanwhile the soprano, wnen the books were so abiupt'v changed on her, did just what might hi..e been ex- pected, and telescoped two tunes and sets of words into each other with ditastious eiiect. The alto was running smoothly along, pas- senger time, for the several wrecks gave her the track, so far as it was cleai, all to her- self. The basso who had slipped an eccentric and was only working one side, was lumbling cautiously along, clear of his own time, flag- ging himself every mile of the way, and ask- ing for orders eveiy time he got a chance. The pastor's head was observtd to trtmble with emotion, and the people sitting nearest the pulpit say they could indistinctly hear sounds from behind it that resembled the syllables " Te, he !" As the organist pulled and crowded and encouraged them aloifg to- ward the closing line, it looked as though public contideiice might soon Ic restored and the panic abated, but alas, as even the de- moralized tenor rallied, and caiiie in w ith the full (juaitette (11 the last lir.e, a misguided man in the audience siuUU uly thoU).ht he recognized in the distracted tiioc an old, fa- miliar acquaintance, and broke out in. a joy- ous howl on something entirely different^ thai inspired every singing man and woman in the congregation with the same idea, and the hymn wjis tinished in a terrific discord of sixty-nine dillerent tunes, and the rent and mangkd m^k dy tiapped and fluttered around the sacred edifice like a new kind of delirium tremens, and all the wrecking cats on the I line were started for the scene at once. The pastor deserves more inaite than can be crowded into these pagiH tor pronouncing the benediction in clear, evtn tones, without even the ghost of a smile on his placid coun- tenance. Bupertlno'B Panorama. Uur first view is leaving New York har- bour. This is a beautuul picture. Sec the mighty vessel, spreading her snowy wings to the gale, ulide thiough the water like athiuu of life. Tliere is nothing to hinder her, and nothing iu tliat lact to make a fuss about. But if the water was to jjlide throu^iih her, it would be time for reflection on the brevity of one's life insurance policy. The noblo ship ia freidhted with precioua humau soula, bright RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA. 85 hopes, happy anticipations, hides, salt meat and highwines. This is a view of the Bourse in Paris, a twill institution to the Burhngton Board of Trade. The man in tlie baokground, trying to hang him.^elf, on a lamp-post, is a member of the Bourse. He has just been Boursted. He '..as beon opei'ating in corn. If you will hold a Itottlo or small tumbler to your mouth and look steadily at this picture, you will see liow the\' usually operate m corn at tlie Exchanges. This is a view in ••'<gypt. The great city of Cairo. It is named after ("airo, Illhi .is. Cairo is on the river Nile. Cairo never struck ile that we know of. but we do know that Cairo seen Xi'j. We do not knosv, history docs not tell us, wh;it there w-is so important in this event, l)ut we know it is commemorated by uiDnuments erected all over America. You can't guiiito a cemetery in the United .States without seeing one or more raoniimeuta erect >d to the memory of Cairo i''. Nile. He was probably the inven- tor of a cooking stove, as some reference is usually ma le to t)\e kitchen fire. This is a view of the Seine. This is the favourite place for the Parisians to shuttle off theii mortal coil. The volatile Frenchman gets himself full of elan (you know what that is) and jumi)s off one of these arched bridges, the Pont Xoiif oi- the Pont do .lena, down by the 8hong de Mar. The zhong darmay, which is French for river police, fishes the victim out ; the coroner pronounces him in- curably inseine, his property is confiscateil, and his insurance policy declared void, so as to spoil his wife's c'lances of marrying again. Such is tlie grasp of an iron desootism upon the wretched slaves of down-trodden Kurope. (Applause.) Here is a view in London of the old Buek- iug'om palaee This is an exterior view. Inside there art! several keno banks, some chuckaluck tables and a faro bank, and the ; nobility are in there bucking the tiger. \ King Richard (Mime out of the palace once, cleaned out, after a run of bad luck. Ho ro- ' marked to a friend, " So much for bucking 'em." The quotation has passed into his- tory. A panoramic view of Scotland. The gen- tleman in the peculiar position in the fore- ground is scratching his back against a mile post and remarking, "Clod bless the j^ude Duke of .\rgyle." The children in Scotland are taught that the Duke of Argyle made the world. This is an error. We stand among the antiquities of Rome — Rome that stood on her seven hills, like James Robinson in his famous eight-horse bareback act. This is Trajan's Column—his spinal ctJumn, This is the Arch of Titus. When he put up that arch he was Titus a brick. This is the place where the Roman mobs used to collect and the police went Forum. Here is the (.'oliseum. There is the bloody sand of the arena ; there is the spot where " the dying gladiator " lied. " I see before ine the "lying gladiator lie." Some calm and temperate Roman ought to have cast the seoundrel's lies in his teeth. The U(^nians were very depraved, wicked people, and the entire civili/ed world yet suffers from the effects (^f their malicious iuicjuity. They invented the Latin grammar, Nepos, Cicero, and Virgil, and hurled upon the boys of suc- ceeding ages a language crmtaining ten rule^^ to every word, and twenty exceptions to every rule. This is a statue of a noble Ro/nan, .fulius C:esar. He was named after the Fourth of July and Preside -it 'Irant. We stand in Oreece. "The isles of Greece I The isles of (Jroeoel" Probably the poet referred to goose grease. The ( Ireeks were an ancient people. 'I'hey wrote tiieir letters in cipher, and schoolboys of to- day sigh for hours over their letters. Here are tlie ruins of the temple of .fupiter O'Lympus, erected to him by the ancient Greeks, thus proving that the I rish nation sprang from these ancient heroes. Kere is an ancient theatre. It is elosed now for repairs; has been closed for a few tliousaixl years, and the actors have gone ofT to their summer resort, at Hades on the Styx. Behold buried Pompeii. The city was en- tombed in an eruption that hadn't been equalled since Job got well. The gentleman in a military position at the gate, dressed in a full suit of bones, is not only a charming specimen of anatomy, but was a brave sentinel, who was covered uj) with ashes before he could run. He would have been l,70o years old to-morrow if he had run and kept on living. It appears, howef or, that he is dead. The fact is not substantiated by any dircef evidence, as no witnesses can bo found who saw him die, and his will, therefore, has not been probated. But it is generally believed that he is dead. Weep not for him, friends. He was a heathen, and has gone where he it probably used to volcanoes by this time, i This iiuilding. the veneray)ie pile that rises before you, is .SV.OOO years old. It orpinally ' cost $850, and took ton men nearly all sum- ! mer to build it, It w.<s whitewashed nearly 4,(MK) years ago, but receiv d no later re- pairs. The room on the right as you enter ! the ball on the first floor, is the Torture ' Room. It is called the County Treasurer's otflco, and is where [>eople go and mortgage their farms and homes far taxes. The room opposite is the County Insane Asylum. The juries are confined here while on duty, and MIDDL£RIB'S DOa the local debating societies also meet there. This court-house was built many ages before Burlington was settled. The massive walls | are engraved with the names of eminent ; men who have served on the juries. \ grim ; and imposing anti(iuity frowns up' us as | we enter the Judgment Hall up stair.- The ^ benches and desks are made ot wood taken \ from the decks of the ark. The tobacco | quids in the corners were piled there so long J ago tlmt people had n(»t begun to remember | anything. Tlie wood-box is a pre-Adamic creation. It is modelled after the megather- | ium. The enly man liviiig who kuOws any i thin^ about the early history of the court- i house is dead. 1 Mlddlerib's Dog. Mr. Middlorib used to be a devoted dog faucitr. About three years ago he owned a beautiful hou)id pup about five months old. It was considereti an ornament to the neigh- "bourhood. A nouiid pup at that age is an object of surprising beauty, under any cir- cumstances ; but when you consider that Mr. Middlerib liad raised his pup on scientific principles (boiled l>eef and rice), you can readily imagine what a canine divinitj' it was. Gaunt legs longer than your gr&....- father's stories, and the hind ones so crooked that the dog sticks his foot into everything in the yard, every time he tries to scratch his ear ; sides look as though he had swal- lowed an old hoopskirt, and the springs show through ; more ribs under his hide than there are spots on it ; tail as long as the dog, and two inches across the big end and taper- ing down like a marlinspike, so lean you can count every joint in it, and so hard that you couldn't scratcli it witiia diamond — hasevery appearance of liaving been made ten years before the dog was, and then lumg out to blench in the rain and dry in the sun until the dog came along ; ears soft as a kid glove, and about the size and appearance of a blacksmith's vpion- bear every evidence of being consi icred by all otlier dogs in the prti met .ns dreadful nice things to chew. Beautiful eyp- ; open twenty-three hours and rifty-nine im : utts of the day ; scare every woman into iits that looks into the back yard after dark. Sweet mouth, opens on a hinge , at the l>ack of his head, and is : never shut unless there is something i in it. That's the best pictare of a growing hound, one of this kind with liver coloured ■pots, that we can draw, and Mr. Middlerib's was just like this, only more so. His princi- i pal characteristic was a tendency to lunch. I He was fond of nibbling little thing<« around j the house. Split his face one Sunday while | the folks w«ire at church, and shut it down I over a whole ham. Tiiked to peck at o<ld i bones and scraps, and one Monday morning he ate two tablecloths, a tiaitnel shirt, a bis roller towel, half a dozen clothes pins and thirteen linear yards of clothes line, before the washing had been hung out half an hour. Fond of eggs, too, and knows every heu by sight in the neighbourliood, and sets otf on a friendly call every time he hears a cackle. Mrs, M. wants t ■• iell him, but Middlerib says gold couldn't i<uy him. So he stays, and eggs are as scarce in that ward as ever. Well, one night, Mrs. M. had made tome- thing by pulverizing a lot of very hot pota- toes. We believe it was yeast. Any now, it was necessary that it should cool very presentl}', and after sonic misgivings relative to the dog and his weakness, m hich were dis- pelled by Middlerib's indignant defence of that sagacious anim.-.l, ttie dish containing the fiery compound was placed on the outer edge of a wmdow sill, to cool in the night air. Then the family resumed their occupation of hearing Middlerib explain the causes that led to the recent revolution in politics. Such a weird, unearthly, piercing wail hadn't been heard since Dresseldorf learned to play the clarionet. It seemed to come out of the ground, cut of the sky, out of the air around tliem, and for an instant the frighten- ed Middleribs gazed at each other with white, terror blanched faces. Then they rushed to the door and looked out. A gaunt, ghostly form, with liver colored spots and a mouth full of red hot potato yeast thrashed wildly up and down tiie yard, splitting the darkneaa with terrific yells at every jump. It wat Middlerib's dog, and it was apparently feel- ing uneasy. It dashed madly around in short circles and screamed " Police,'' and scraped its jaws with its paws, and wept and rubbed its chops along the cold ground, and swore and howled for water, and pawed the earth and sang psalms, and in several ways expressed its disapprobation of potato yeaat as a diet. Finally, the dog wedged himself in between the fence and the ash-barrel, and told all about it, how it happened and what it felt like, and how he liked it as far as he'd got. He never slept a wink that night. He wastooanxioustoget his narrative completed and see the proofs of it. Neither did any- body in the neighbourhood sleep, either. And everj' time a water pitcher would crash down into the yard, or a boot-jack bang against the fence or an andiron plunge madly into the aah-barrel, the dog would laugh in mocking tones, and go on with his testimony. About midnight a vigilance committee waited on Mr, Middlerib, but he wouldn't come out, and they couldn t stand the noine long enough to break in the door. The doe fiuiah- ed his statement about sunrise^ when the A BOY'S DAY AT HOME. 87 fr mormng lirt, a biff B pins and ine, before If au lionr. ;ry hen by itu otf on a a cackle. MicltUerib stays, and ever. lade some- hot pota- Auy uow, cool very gH relative t were dis- lefeuce of t'Oiitaiuing \ the outer i the uight occupation ^auHcs that tics. roing wail orf learned come out of the air le f righten- ivith white, r rushed to nt, ghostly 1(1 a mouth hed wildly le darkness J. It wac rently feel- around in lice," and 1 wept and round, and [jawed the .^eral ways )tato yeast id himself tarrel, and and what far as he'd light. He completed did any- blier. And rash down gainst the y into the t mocking '. About waited on come out, oise long ioff fiuish- tvnen the (ommittee rose. Tlie family ate baker's bread the next day, and Middlerib so far yielded to Mrs. M.'s entreaties as to say that if any man will make a fair offer, he might sell an undivided third of the dog. A Boy's Day at Home. Master Bilderliai;k liail lieeii homo all day, confined to tiio Iiouhc and harn by the rain, and excited by the pnispect nf nnlimit- •d fun durinsr the hm;^ vacjitiion. He was a blessing to liis inothur and sister, and his affeccioiiate parent caiiylit hor death of cold by runninL' uroiiihl al'ter liiin in uut^ stocking foot, searching out the tender plaees in his nature and anatomy with a hmr and a half slipper. He tieil one end of liis sisfer's ball of crochet cotton to the Hy-wlieel of the sewing machine and the otlier around the tail of the cat, and l)y the time his mother had sewod half way down one of the long seams in Mr. Bilderl)ack'a new shirt, all but a few yards of that cotton was a chaotic mass about that tly-wiieel and shaft, and the cat was waltzing in and out of the kitchen, spiawlin^ alonu backward, tail straight as a poker, fur up and eyes aHame, snowling, and spittiug, and swearing like mad, and Mrs. Bdderback and her daughter climbed upon the taViIe and shrieked till the vrindows rattled, while Master Bilderbaek, hid behind the clothes-horse in tiie kitchen, lay down on his back and laughed a wicked gurgling kind of a laugh. Then he went out and jammed a potato into the nose of the chain pump and the hireil girl went out and pumped till her arms achod clear down to her heels, and then told Mrs. Bilderbaek the cistern had sprung a leak iind was dry as a bone. And then Mrs. Bilderbaek, declar- ing slie knew better, went ont and turned the wheel till her head swam and she gave up, and Miss Bilderbaek went out and turned till she cried, and then Master Hilderback, rather than go to the neighbour's for water, went out and fixed the pump and came in to be praised, and was duly praised with the slipper, for he had l)een watched, lie put an (dd last year's fire-cracker in the kitchen stove ; he insured a steady run of strange visitors for about two hours, to the great amazement of his mother and sister, by pinning a placard on the porch step, plainly seen from the street, but invisible from the front door, " Man wanted to drive carriage; $35 a month and board." Mrs Bihlerback drew a sigh of relief wrhen she heard Mr. B.'s itep in the hall, and informed her son that as aoou as his father came in he should be duly informed of all that had been going on. A moat impressive silence followed this remark, and the trio in the sitting-room listened to Mr. Bilderback's heavy breathing as he divested himself of his wet boots, and pre- Eared to assume his slippers. Master Biloer- ack's face wore an expression of the deepest concern. Suddenly the silence was broken by a shout of astonisliment and terror, followed by a howl of intense agony, and there was a clattering as of a runaway crockery wagon in the hall. The affrighted family rushed to the door, and beheld Mr. Bilderbaek cleaving the shadows with wild gestures and frantic gyrations. " TaKC it on," he shouted, and made a grab at his own foot, but, missing it, went ou with his war-dance. •' Water I ho shrieked, and started, up stairs, three at a step, and turning, came back in a single stride, " Oh, I'm stabbed !" he cried, and sank to the floor and held his right leg high above his head ; then he rose to his feet with a bound and screamed for the boot-jack, and held Ins foot out toward his terrilied family. "Oh, bring me the arnica!" he yelled, and with one despairing effort he reached his slipper and got it oft", and with a groan as deep as a well and hollow as a drum, sank into a chair and clasped his foot in both hands. "Look out for the scorpion," he whispered hoarsely, "I'm a dead man." Master Bdderback was by this time out in the wood- shed, rolling in the kindling in an ecstacy of glee, and pausing from time to time to explain to the son of a neighbour, who had dropped in to see if there was any innocent sport going on in which he could share, "Oh, Bill," he said, "you woiddn't believe ; some time to-day, somehow or other, a big blue wasp got into the old man's slipper, and when he come home and put it on — oh. Bill, you don't know !" Why Mr. Bostwick Moved. Young Mr. Bostwick has moved. He liked the house he has been living in well enough, and Mis. Bostwick fairly cried her eyes out when they left it, because it had a bay window and blind with slats that you could turn so that you could see anybody in the street and nobody could see you. But old Mr. Glasford, the landlord, was very deaf, and it was on account of this in- firmity that his tenant left the house. Mrs. Bostwick said she couldn't see what Mr. Glasford's deafness had to do with the house, but her husband only looked worried and said it made a good deal of difference with a man's peace of mind, when he had some- thing he wanted to whisper, and had to whisper it to a man who couldn't hear any- thing if he went into a boiler factory. Mrs. Bostwick didn't understand what difference it made anyhow, but then she wasn't down town that terrible Wednesday, when old Mr. Glasford went into the store where her (I 88 SPECIAL PROVIDENCES. husband was selling a loTely young divinity j Bostwick groaned, and in a fit of de8p«ra> from Denmark a dress pattern off a piece of | tion he broke down, and gave it up. Centennial percale. Mr. Bostwick saw the | " I can't pay that rent to-day !" he shriek- old gentleman coming and felt very nervous, ed, and the i)retty customer was so shocked Eii^'er to anticipate the demand which be tliat she dropped her parasol, fan and paper knew the old man was going to make, lie of gnni drops. dasheil toward liim with an abruptness that : " What went to-day?" nskedtheold man, astonislicd the fair customer who had just , waving Bostwick oil' with his stick. l()at herself iu adniiration of Bostwick's i Here the proprietor otticiously interposeil diamond pin, ami tlie fact, just confidentially to cover Bostwick'sconfusion, speaking iu the iniparteil to lier, that he was not a clerk Imt, highest key he could assume. the silent partner, holding about .■»!47"),0<)() " I'cnt ! Kent! House rent, you know! worth of tttoik in the uoucern, and tliat ho He siiys he can't pay his himsc rent to-day I" just wtirked from pure love of employment. "Kent day V" echoed old (tlasfonl, "yea, Mr. Bo.stwick checked tlie old gentleman oh yes, tliat's past, two weeks ago ; first of about ten feot away from his customer, and the month." leaning ovor tiic counter so as to get as ch)sc " Vcs," .nhrieked Mr. Bostwick, while the range ()n his ear ;;.-i possible, whispered stor. full of cust(mier8 xmd bis fellow clerky a futile effort to cati b ear, intending t(» pour ]toiirs water • I I brisUl> r as one lii« landl 1 hoarsely that "it woiiMiVt be convenient to pa}' tliat rent to-day. " " I ley ?" shouted the old man, l...king at Bostwicks agitated face in some alarm. "why, why, whas tin: matter.' S hap- pene I ':" Mr, i'ostwick madp hold of tlie old man's his ex[)lanation into into a funnel, but dodged and waved Bostwick away with an expression of considerable apprehension. Mr. Bostwick groaned and endeavoured to explain to the old gentleman in a manner that Would convey to the pretty customer and the others in the store the idea that he was refusing to give the old party credit, and at the same time old (ilasford knew that ho was bankrupt. 'M'an't do it!" he shouted. "Can't do what?" inquired the mystified old gentleman in those stentorian tone.s so popu- lar with deaf people. "Can't help you ! " shouted Bostwick, in tones the sternness of which contrasted lu- dicrously with the sheepish expression of his l countenance. "Can t do anything for you ! " | The old man looked at Bostwick in a help- less wonder and then at the door, with his mind half made up to run away, under the impn ssioii that tlie young man was crazy. .He tiiially stared at him in opcn-moutheil auiuzeiih lit and speechlcfs bewitdeniicnt. "Oh, Moses," thnu;.;ht jkistyi |ii|l, "|it'i jid as a hornet, he'll iircak oll|i ||| 8 hilmue: dm aiiniu, stood around and smiled, " I know it, but I can't pay it to-day ; haven't got a cent I " "(»h!" exclaimed the ohl num, with a gleam of inteligenee passing over bis face, •• I don't caie aliout that ; that isn't what i • iUite lor. I came to tell yoU if your wife wanted tliat front vooiu downstair" prei'ared, to go jihead and bave it d«>ne, and \ \ albiw it. The pretty customer wouldn't have a word to say to tlie di-ieoinlitcd Mr. Ho.st\\iek when he went back, and the old man loUl the \>io- niu'tor as he went out of the door that he be lieveit that y^ung man was junt alxnit halt erazy, and the clerks were all so pleaaai\t that Bostwick nearly wont mad every time he was reminded of his unfortunate precipi- tancy, and that is the way he became con- vinced that it was altogether lighter than vanity to rent of a deaf man. ( anad as a hornet, I tnou llr' will." ( In a voi.^e like a Then he trie( steam whistle. 1 I'lm't do anything for you ! " The old man's mouth opened still wider, !kud his eyes bIooiI around on his cheek bunea n their amazement. " Who asked you to do anything for me ?" he finally gasped. "What is it ye can't Special ProvldenceB. There was wailing and woe in Burlingtown, For every other day The humid showers cametumbtinK down. As ih y had come to stay. Tliere was water enough in the land to spare ; And men who were wont to prav. When they looked in t tie cellar e«ich morn would swear And wrathfully turn away. All out on South Hill they pumped and pumped From morn till dewy eve, Hut their every effort the storm-king trumped. Ami laughed him in his sleeve. Till the South Hill man his spirit was broke. And he sate him down on his hill. "Though T pump till my back cries out," he spoke •• .Vv cellar still keeps its fill." ■' Now lithe and listen good pump of mine. If ever I touch thee more, May never again the bright snn shine As it shone In the days of yore." Then he took his pump and he hung it up Where It piiKnt not naunt his sight, And he drowned his grief in the poisonous cup Which " moveth itself aright." fit of deapera. t np. y !" he shriek- a8 so shocked an aud paper the ohl man, itiuk. sly iiiterposeil peaking; iu the it, ymi kuDwl rt.'iit to-«lay 1" !;i.^toril, '• yt's, I «;,'(> ; first tit ek, while tlie fellow clerk* | now it, hut I t a cent ! " ninn, with h | vrr his face, . iau't what I if your wife air" prcrftretl, antl I I all >w t icive a won! Kstwick when ti>Ul the pro- Kir that ho Vie *t u\>iuit half so pleasant il every time nato precipi- became con- lighter than :lingtown, ^ down, id to spare ; I morn would and pumped ng trumped. oa broke, lit," ho spoke f mine, ae ( it up isonoua cup MR. BARINGER'S HOUSE-f'LEANlNU 89 And he vowed him that if the immortal goda Would hold nil tlii'ir ruin for a wliile, He'd bnild Mm ;i c<!lliirand take llie oddw - On top of his domicile. "For whul was the use," he grimly said. " Of a collar in the g>'ound Into the which, if \ m went for liicii't, " You were preily sure lobe drowned i" "I hate tlie cellar ; oh. winds of the south. Thy I'ains. ns hiird as I ean ; ' ish 1 eould sirikc tluMu Imtli with udrouth. xelaiiiied the .South ilill iii^u. He lifter', his eyes to the city road, A conilin,' lij-cure to sean. ^lui tt wild tiereo liuht in liisoptie.-> .glov\ed When they |fli on the hated yaw man, I He ciirricil hiH book and his railwiiy lamp .\nd wore >■ sinister tiowi ; .\ii>l he Houghi <Mii lu' meter in cellm> dnmp. Villi h" no'isl ihe .igure<down. And wh(!ther a man burned noich or •nail. Or how often 'he gai* lUtoi » (»me. Or wheiher they luriie<\ on ilieguw.il all. The met r Jimleonn \v( the ^anu^ Sothomanof ,H\\ulh lUII, wUm« ho sik\« hhu eome Snpiitisinn Ovaf he hmleonie th llou^'li iifuoianre, ^ tUd. in touen full «lum, " Vtni cut otl'm) nas last unuith." The gttM is\iuih" winked, and eke us he wnnk, \[o <hvii>k his head knovvinglee, .\nd aw though he8omethintfMU«nieion;dy thunk, "We'll look at tlie uuiter, said he. Then he opened the door of the cellar so damp, And he stepped where the pump log had been. And he went of HJght, with his book and his lamp. As the water he tumbled in. " Oh, help ! " loud he shrieked as his noddle came up. " Hubbunbbnliip !" as his noddle went down. While th^ man of South Hill on the cellar door sill. Was the happiest man in the town. Splash ! Solash ! Bubbnlup ! in the cellar he heard. And Iw. hugged himself close in liis glee : And whenever the gas man wou'i sputter a word, " Oh, eatcli hold of the meter ! " said he. And he shut down the doors, and he locked them no tight, Anft into the well threw the key, And. " Frovidpuee always and ever is right : Rains and cellars are useful," said he. Mr. Baringer's House-CIeajilng. ' You see, Mr. Baringer hasonly been keep- ing house about a year, and they took the carpets up this spring for their first i^^encral ' house-cleaninj^. Mrs. Baringer's motlier wat9 there, because she said Olivia was a mere child in such things, and she didn't be- liere that Aristarohus was much better, and it was better to have some one ayund who could manage. The younsr people, however, I felt very confident that they had, by numer- ous consultations and many well-laid plans, I reduced house-cleauing to a perfect science, a system that had never yet been attiined by i any ottier housekeepers, and they were all impatient to get at work aud clean the whole house, from garret to cellar, and have all the pictures hack on the walls and carpets nailed down again Vjcfore dark. They were diseustfnl at tlie way other peojile cleaned hnu.se, and Olivia thought it was ]ierfectly woiiilerful how Ari.starchus could have such lieaii. fully lucid and systematic ideas on matters of \viiicli most men, and she would Hay ii'ost women as well, were so di plorably stupi'l and ignorant. The stirrinji notes of the alarm clock dragged Mr. Baringer out of bed at ."^ilS A. M., aud ii> thought he felt intolerably sh'epy for rive o'clock, but he didn't look at the clock uitil he was tlreKsed. and then he »va8 too Iliad to swear. He merely woke Mrs. IVirin^er up n." tell her he'd lict a tliousand <l(jllars Some wtupid had clirmged tli :il'\rm aft<ir he set it and then ho Hoppeil down oil a ]ouuge to sleep till daylight. He awoke at half - past seven o'clock, the h<Hi'i- at which, hy tlioir pre- arranged system and calculations, ttio two up-stairs l^^-d-room carp«?tH were to have been iieaten and ."-eady to put down as soon as the Huors were nry. rhen the kituheu hre went out twice, and they rinally sat down to breakfast at half-past eiglit o'clock, Mrs. Baringer's mother bej^iiling the time during that matin meal hy iw*king Olivia if she minded how she used to be half through her house-cleaning by nine o'clock in the morn- ing. But M Baringer bore up very well under it, and immediately after bn akfa.it, he took up the bed-room carpets. It was slow work, jerkiog the tacks out one at a time. Some times they ilew up into his face ; some times he pulled the head otl' and left t->' tack in the door ; and when they got to be rather thickly scattered around the room he putliis knee down on one occjisionally and talked in a fragmentary maimer about i eiT in mill privileges in connection with lionsekte) ng which Mrs. Baringer couldn't understand. At last he noticed that by lifting up the edge of the carpet, a gentle pull wonld r.riug up half a dozen tacks in rapid kuii tgsion. Happy thought. He rose to his leot. _'-r--ted the bound edge of the caroet in both hauds- gave a mighty lift and a tremendous pull k-r-r-r-r-r t ! and when the dust settled a little, Mrs. Baringer and her mother were discovered standing in the door, looking in speechless horror at Mr. Baringer, who stood like an image of despair, holding a '.arpet with a fringe in one hand, and a long line of carpet binmng in the other. AN AUTUMN REVERIE. yon Id it?" ahriekeii Mrs. " and maybo you ilidii't tear the carp stairs, either/' . ff*; '• I wish yctur old car|»ot was in Hali ".** *. | he said, savagely. " Pick up that end ; }"I{ | get throught it. This is sweet w«rk I '* .*l dry-^'oods'saleHinan, anyhow ! Kea»ly ? 'f rooKB| "Ho A- did Baringer. " How ev"7- did you do it !" echoed Mrs. Baringer's mother. Then they both said something al)out the general incapaoit}' of a man, and Mr. Barin- ger endeavoured to explain that in going •cross the room for the tack hanimer lie had caught hid foot in the odge of the carpet, with the result as abovo. And at, the ccmclusion of his ex])hiii.ation, Mrs. Baringer s mother gave a snill tli.at blew dust out of the i;arpet, and there was a general expression of incredulity on the faces of the con^'rega- tion. It was a long time before they got the carpets down in the yard, and on the line. Then Mr. B;iringerapproaciied and smote the first carpet with a long stick, and the next instant he was feeling his way out of a <lense cloud of dust, coughing, sneezing and snort- ing and wildly gasping for air. He went around on the other side, and as he aimed a terrilic swipe at the carpet, ho struck the clothes i prop, and his nerveless arm stung and tingled to his nook, while his wail was luard down to the city building. Then he got at it again, and found that his stick was too li),ht, nnd he took another one. A few strokes sufficed to convince him that it was too heavy, and he took a lath. That broke in two at the first blow, and he tried an apple switch, but it was too limber. He finally gave up the idea of beating any more, and called to Mrs. Baringer that the carpet was ready to be shaken. Mrs. Baringer, with her head in an apron, came out. They gathered the carpet, and Mr. Baringer got the start of her and shook a roll clear down to her hand-s, explod- ing in a loud snap and a volcano of dust in her face. Then she dropped the carpet and sneezed and protested. " You shook too quick, deary," she said. "But you said you were ready, sweety," replied Mr. Baringer. "But you needn't be so rough, lovey," she protested. "Well, I have to shake hard to get the dast out, ducky," he insisted. "Well, you needn't be so cross about it, deary, " she said. " Oh well," he said, " you must expect hard work house-cleaning days, and you musn't lose your temper, sweety." " It isn't me that gets cross and jerks peo* pie around, lovey," she said, "it's you." "I never jerked you around,^' he re- torted. " Why, Aristarchus Baringer! " excla,imed his wife, making very large eyes at him and speaking in tones of the greatest amacement, "Ao," she snapped, " 1 ain't ready. )r ,1 wait. There. now : don t HoM on such a hurry. Now!" And the next instant the carpet snapped out of her hands, and it did seei tliough her fingers had gone ^^•lth it, v Mr. Baringer, pretending not to know it had fallen from her ringers, kept on s ing violently at his end, tilling tlic air dusC and grit. At this juncture Mrs. inger's mother, who had been a quiet spi tor of tiie carpet ihaking scene, approat and i;:ille I on him to desist. Then she gatl ed up the vacant end of the carpet. " Aristarchus," she said kindly but tin " Olivia is not strong enough for .-iuch woi 'I'heii she added : " Have you got a good hold, Aristarchii And Mr. Baringer said he had, " Don't lit go then, AristarcL Heady." They lifted tlieir arms high in the air a Mr. Baringer is undecided yet which part him started lirst. He walked up the wl length of that carpet on his hands and tl he fell over the edge and banged along walk on his hands and knees until he reac the front fence, through which he plun, his head, and would have gone on throi but for his shoulders catching against gate post. Tilt! carpets did not go do' that day, and a big Irishman was engaged come and welt the fuzz off them, Mr. Bi inger having privately and with some asper informed his wife that \ie would rather li\1 sleep, and eat in dirt up to his eyes, t' ever again to sweep, beat, or shake tl lightest carpet ever trodden by the foot man bfory- . ghosts! every that 1| drowsj neaa, bed, 'd'ut hair inutHel tivelyl only close! can tl place An Autumnal Reverie. "Oh dreamy haze: veiling the raurmuri river that stretches away hke a silver thre« under a mosquito bar, windiii'^ in woodc nooks and creeping through low lying islano where the balmy breeze is redolent with tl odour of dead leaves and dead fish. lovely haze; what dreams of soulful tende ness its name recalls. Oh, musty hays in tl street car; oh, hays that used to be fall ( bumble bees; oh, hazel nuts on another man farm with a big dog hid in the patch. Awa; these memories are too painful. " Afar, the hillsides glitter in gold tol scarlet, and the sumach bashes, olimbine tl slope with their nodding plumes, look lik^ new exj^ess waggon coming down Diviswi I in tht plaint seven take (This and n " V days- dark tUatl dark woul( bring tiling out, knoc isn't we b Uke drap scat) busi sane cup and pui WOI edi thii tha AN AUTUMN UEVEKIB. 91 t tear the carpJ ••I'et was iij Hali| *ick up tlifi; end; is sweet work yhow ! Keady ? i ain't ready. n now; dont l.| ^iit thf) carpet N ami it (lid see gone v.ith it, \\\ ig not to know I'^'era, kept on s filling the air juncturt! .VI ra. been a quiet spuj K scene, approan Itreet. The mellow air l)riugs into the city ;lie ru8tle of fallen leaves piled <luep on iuding uow-patht), threading through quiet lella and winding along the side of purling irooks. It brings an odour of something )Id. Because it blows over the cheese fac- tory. How faint and far oil' uvery sound. The Ighosts o' the dead sununer tiowers sigh in Icvery hn /»;, and tho piiantoin ot the cow Ithat I'lUted the freight train ♦^inklea her drowsy lietl afar. Ami in ntutlleil tender- ness, as a falling star ini<4lit diop on a feather 'bed, we hear the teamster's cheery call, (J'up V ye liip-eared spavin, 'r 111 Inm the hair off ye witli a (ii.-iy pin.' And the muffled creak of the W(i( I waggon falls plain- t. I'lien she gati tively on the ear. Eigut dollars a cord, and the carpet. i<l kindly but Hi >U!.'h for such woi liohl, Aristarchii he had. hen, AristarcL high in the air . (1 yet wliicli part liked up the wl lis hands and t I banged along lees until hereac which heplun, e gone on throi Jtching against <Ud not go do lan was engaged "them, Mr. B, with some aspen would rather liv to his eyes, t ^t, or shake tj '1 l>y the foot overle. ig the murrauriil ke a silver fchr adin- in wood^ low lying island adolent with tlj dead fish. •f soulful tendel lusty hays in tlj ed to befall on another man j »e patch. Awaj ul. ter in cold 68, ch'inbing t mes, look lik^ down Diviafon only cut three feet long at that, and piled so closely that when you go to measure it you can throw a felt hat tluougli the pile any place and never touch a stick. " List to the jilaintive pijjing of the (lUtil in the stublde. Ah, (juail on toast, and the plaintive pijiing of the anxious waiter for seveuty-tive cents, Avaunt, dull dotard, take thy blank shadow from the lairy scene. (This remark was addressed to the waiter, and not to the quail on toast.) " Why, in thfoc dreuuiy ^uk autumnal days — we don't know what kind of a day a dark day is, but we wanted another word that begins with d and could only think of dark and another one, and the other one wouldn't do at all ; these kind of days then, bring with them a sad— a sad — sad some- tiling, we knew what it w as when we started out, but stopping to explain about that dark knocked it clear out of our head ; sad — it isn't sadiMe, nor Sadduceo, nor — ah yes, now - we hare it. These dreamy days, that come like a tender poem, veiled in the delicate | drapery that hangs over the distant land- scape, bring with tnem " At this critical juncture a man with a business-like look in his eye burst into the sanctum, slapped his hat down on the paste | cup, banged a sample case on the ink stand, j and proceeded to remark in one long un- ; punctuated sentence, "Good morning not a I word my dear fellow I know the value of an I editor's time I wish you just to glance at ' this prospectus of the most valuable woi k I that has ever been issued from the American press it is the American Centennial Portrait i (Jallery and yon will observe contains ex- 1 quisita steel engravings full page of all the i Presidents with the autograph of each ap- ) pended and complete biographical sketohas. i Observe that engraving of Washington through this glass if you please bank note •ucraviog not more pei^ect not a single line crossas or becomes merged into another on* what expression what fidelity to nature what marvellous portraitup.' v\liat minuta attention to detail. Notice the iolds in th« cloak and the ez((uisitely pencilled pattt^rn of the ruffles at the wrists. And so with An.^ms and Jefierson and Madison and Monroe and Jackson and all the rrst of tliem with l>io- graphical sketches compiled from the best authorities with facts incidents and rtndnis- cences never before pu')lishud — a l)ook that no American of intelligence should be with- out a book without a rival in its field of patriotic biographical excellence. In differ- ent styles of binding— .^rJi Oi), ^i M, and $4 'it"). Now, sir, shall I have your name right here ?" We felt all around the room before we could catch our breath, and when we re- gained it we told liim we didn't believe we could put ^ 25 worth of signature anywhere that morning, and after a struggle of lifreen or twenty minutes with him, we got him close enough to the stairway to pusii him over the railing and hear<l hini reach the ground door and dit'appear into the street and around the corner witli the lou;,' intro- ductory sentence of his prospectus trailing after him like the dribbling shower of a run- away street sprinkler. And we went on with the dreamy, sad, sweet reverie : ' ' The tender song of a day whose world- less beauties haunt the mystic scene; the dreamy, vague, imperfect memories that bring ' A man with a black coat and a hi<^h hat came softly into the sanctum, and after he laid a flat oil cloth case on the table, he lilted his hat off with both hands an<l said, speak- ing in soft anil distressingly deliberate tones, and articulating with awful distinctness and precision : "Ah — is the editor in ?" We imparted the desired information, and the deliberate man went on, "I have taken the liberty to call on a matter of some importance to yourself, as well as to the great masses of the American people. I have here the artist's proof of a new ker-romo entitled 'Columbia.' It is a Centennial allegory, and is designed by Mr. Alfred Reynolds 'Vincenzo Fitzdaub, one of the most eminent artists of America, at immense outlay of time, labour and money. The tube colours used on the original paint- ing alone cost seven dollars and a half, while the oan • vas, when prepared and stretched for the pict • ewer, was worth nearly double that sum. Here ,vou see, we have in the foreground Columbia, her sandalled feet rest- ing upon the broking canning to signify that, war is no more. At her right hand sits the American eagle, ger-rasping the olive b«r- ranch of peace in his talents, and lifting nis .«•• IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) r 4 £/ /a «r V ^#/ ^l ^ 1.0 I.I £ US 12.0 11.25 111.4 ■HI 1.8 ^i e /a m. '^i 7 Photographic Sciences Corporation ^ ';^''^ ^.V 23 WIST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y, MSSO (716)873-4503 ^"#^' 92 AN AUTUMN REVERIE. I wings as though pluming himself for fe-light. Here on the left we have the artisin in working - dress, the statesman, the teacher, the farmer, the sai • leure, representing the various callings, and here rushes a train of cars, while iu the background an old- fashiouod stage cf)ach is disappearmg, il- lustrative of the perrogeress of the past hundred years. The original painting is valued at S2,500, but these ker-romoswe supply for $18 a piece, mounted ready for framing. No man of culture or artistic taste can afford to be without this ker - rorao. The eye of a e >nuoisseur can not distinguish it fer-rom an oil painting. Observe the trau- spareuey of the atmosphere; notice the soft natural blending of tlie high light and middle tint nito the hazy shadows of the backger - round, and the bold effects of the heavy cul - louds tliat overshadow the past, where the dim edges are (silvered with tiie sunlight that ber - reaks fer-rom the veil of the few - chewer. And here, yf*" observe, is a blank tablet at the right of the rigewer of Columbia, for a family record. Only eighteen dollars. They will be ready for delivery about the first of Jewen, and if I may have the plea- sure of seeing your signature in this book, just here, it will cost you but thetrifling sum of eighteen <lollars, and establish more fully the reputation you have already acquired as a man of culture and relined taste." We got rid of him after a heated session of about half an hour, and he went away, mourning over the depravity of a man who had acquired a reputation for culture and refined taste under false pretences. Then we resumed : "Over the distant hills, hushed misty haze that hangs like a veil of over the motionless landscape, and clouds, like drifting air - ships on the expanse of melting blue, bring the iu the peace fleecy broad sweet A man with a mahogany box came iu and sat down, and talked as he opened it, and displayed a variety of phials and boxes. "The p'^ofession of literature, my dear sir," he said, "is of all others under the ban of the fell destroyer, dyspepsia, and it is especially in the spring of the year that literary woi'kers suffer most keenly from ita dreadful effocts. An ounce of prevention, etc. — you know the old saying. Now I can see by your lieavy eyes that you are at this moment suffering from headache. This " Centennial Cordial and Amerioac Indian Aboriginal Invignrator" is one of the latest and most valuable discoveries in the world of medical science, and has popitively no ^ eqnal for the cure of junndice and all manner of liver diaorders, headache, indigestion, want of appetite, dyspepsia, bilious, remittent *nd ! intermittent fevers, ague, giddiness of t ! head, rheumatic affections, poverty or i' I purity of the blood, salt rheum, teethiii i cholera morbus, croup, ophthalmia, asthni ! hay fever, sea-sickness, diphtlieria, catarr j toothache, sleeplessness, gray hair, piniplt : tan and freckles, kleptomania, emotional i ' sanity, growing pains, stone bruise, rattl ; snake bites, jim-jams, katzeniammer, tij; ; boots, bad breath, warts, soft coins, o clothes, tailor's billS; spring fever and a: I other ills to whiih human flesh is heir. Con ' pounded purely of herbs and the lines I cologne spirits, and selling at the ridiculou;- ly low price of i$l.7o per bottle. Now sii ; let me " j And we let him out of the door r.nd h went away, after marking us for the toinb i a few short weeks. And then we tried i : get back to our reverie. " The sweet daj's come and go, in halloa ed rythmic cadences, like the half for^'ottt i ' chords of some tender, sobbing nocturm ' while they bring the " ' "No, sir, this is not the tobacco factor\ ' it's the next building up the street. — Thaiil \ heaven, he's gone. " " bring the sad yearnint; of a restless heart, that reaclic? out amid the hccti flushes of the dying year, as it would clas; the " " No ma'am, we don't want to buy 'Th Centennial Gift Book for young Ladiesi ;' m . we have no young lady friends ; we have n friends of any kind ; wo have no sisters, o brothers, or relations, we have no money, v< have no literary taste, we have no desire t read anything ; we can't read, and we don know anybody who can. " " amid the hectic flushes of the dyia; year, as it would clasp " "Have no use for a flytrap, sir; duu keep house ; ain't married ; don't exptict i be ; haven't seen a fly in Iowa for a thousani years." lame >?o, si -the hectic flushes of the dying 3 oa; as though " " No, no, no ! this is not the barber shop No, we don't know where the barber-shop is there is none in this block ; there are no bar bers in Burlington ; the nearest barber -shoj IS at the North Pole. No, sir, you needu apologize, we are not annoyed. Oood after noon, sir." " amid the dyinq flushes of the hocti' year whose pulses throb so faintly that "No, we don't want any 'Wonderful Sa ponifier and Dirt Eradicator for the Toilet and Laundry.' No, we have no family, au«i we never wash ; never heard of such a thinp I as a bath ; don't want to be clean ; never shave, never olean oor naila, and have on th>> jyear iiv, wl lotht' don't I (iovd t)ing ll In tint ' iNc ;he thf From I ,d m nice, tcrruj iiioue(l 'i,:ui' we on Afigh iKin i tins y Ah .lute < -tweet oloud and t' i,y PJ ;uigel and b ija's c; little with i 1.1 pen sn!:»vi Mr sweel w ho < Ithtl "1 I sti sible i;hilr ter a I'i \Nef old, nuig and wlie hire and plat exc! him (/■ e, giddineaa of ti ns, poverty or ir b rheum, teethin phthalmia, asthin iputlieria, catarr gray hair, pimpli aui;), emotional i bone hnijse, i-att] itzenjainmer, tij;, ', soft eoin.s. o ring fever and a Heshis lieir. Coir )s and the fines at the ridiculou'- bottle. Now Hi I F tlie door r.nd h us for the tomb i tlien we tried ( wd go, in hallos, bho liaif for„^)tt( i obbing nocturm tobacco factoix le street, — 'l'hai!l ninrr of a roatlcss mid the h(n;tii ' it ^yould i'!,a:; tut to buy 'Til ung Ladiefi ;' n. ids ; we have n ^e no sisters, o ve no money, m^ ave no desire t d, and we doii^ les of the dyin- trap, sir; <iou don't expect t a for a thousam the dying yea; e barber-shoji barber-shoi) rs lerr are no bar Bst barbershof ir, you needn Oood after of the heoti ntly that— Wonderful Sa for the Toil.!t no family, aii.i I such n thiiip I dean; never id have on th«' INFANTILE SCINTILLATIONS. «>?».( lame shirt we wore the day we were born, JJo, sir. Yes, sir. Good afternoon. " ' amid the flying duahes of the pulsing year whose hectics faint so throbly that " ' ' Yes, sir, this is The. Havkeye office. No, 3U', we do not buy sand ; no, we have no old (jlotlies to exchange for tin ware ; no, we dout want any superior stove blacking. f/o«f/ afternoon, sir." '- — —amid the dusting tisLes of the throb- bing hectics whose painted ear ia tbrooming In tlu! gulch, so faintly lleani the glib and [Note by the editor. We entered he oflice at this point and found the writer of the above in convulsions. Fiom the ravings of his delirium we gather- I'd that he was trying to write something nice, and was tormented by innumerable in- tcrruptions. Medical assistants were sum- liiuned, and we were told to keep the young 'iiui's head cool and he would get «ell. So we cut it off and had it packed in ice. It \ eighed two and a half ounces. The young nan is doing nicely and will not need it again this year.] Infantile Scintillations^ Ah, yes, we do love children. We fairly lute on them, and enjoy and admire their sweet, innocent ways, from the dear little olf^udy-faced bare legged cherubs that swear mill throw stones at you as you go past Hap- jiy Hollow, to the sweet-faced but pampered •uigil that sits in the golden lap of luxury and breaks the mirrors and your head with i>a"s cane. It was purely our love for the little innocents that induced us to comply with the urgent request of many parents, and upon a department in The Havkeye for the sn)art sayjngs of precocious children. Mrs. H— y B— k, of North. Hill, has a sweet little rosebud, of four bright summers, wlio c.une into the house and lisped, "Ma, Iththutheepy." " What makes you sleepy ?" asked Eose- ^1 'is mother. ■ I don't know," munnured the child. strange yearning after the iucompreheu- sille in an infant heart. Could any of the iliildn n of an older growth have made a bet- ter atiswer ? liien there is little Freddy L , out on V\ fst Hill. Although he ia but thres years old. hf nut his father's watch in the shaving mug, idled the mug out of a kerosene lamp, and aet the ^mixture in the oven to dry, w here it presently dried — soon after the hired girl mado up the breakfast tire— with sucli abruptness chat three of the stove plates haven't been found since. After the oxcilement had subsided, his mother took him on her lap, and said: "Freddy, did you put papa's watch and the mug full of oil in the oven ?" And the dear child, opening wide his in- nocent eyes, and smiling in tender confidence in her face, said placidly : " No ma'am 'deed I didn't." Sweet, cautious instinct of an untried heart. Could any of us get out of it any better than that ? Who can tell what vague, uncertain dreams of congressional honours float thrrngh that busy little mind 'i Johnnie K- is a charming little cherub of four bright springs. One day he poured the ink into the globe where the gold-fish were, submerging them instantaneously in total eclipse ; then he put the Bible in the fire, threw a bronze paper w eight through the looking glass, broke four eggs in his sis- ter's new hat, and wound up his artless sport by throwing the cat down the cistern. His mother, seeing all this n.iscbief, sus- pected who was the author, and sought lier son. " Johnny," she said sadly, " Why did you act so naughty V" " I didn't," he persisted. ""Deed, muzzy, it was ze cat!" iSweet child! Does it need the prescience of a pr(>phet to see that he will some day I make an excellent witness in a great scandal I case ? t 'I hen there i.s another sweet little tid- j toddler out on Seventh-street. The other day one of his parents, the female one, put him to sleep ami laid him in his little crib, and then she rair over the street to ask Mrs. Muldoon how she washed flannels, and got to talking about the last funeral, and the mission circle, and the new preacher, and forgot all about the baby, and when she went home there that dear little blessed was fiat on his back, with his little crib lying on top of him, and he yelling like a scalded pig. Ah, the wild, weird ventures and dreams of child life. Try it gray-haired man ; see if you can fall out of bed and flop your bed- stead, slats, springs, mattress and all, on top of you as you laud on the floor. You can not do it, but the tid-toddler of three sweet summers — ah, well, who shall say how their untried instinct shames the lore and know- ledge of our elder years. Settling under Diffioultles Strangers visiting the beautiful city of Burlington have not failed to notice that one of the handsomest young men they meet is very bald, and they fall into the usual er- ror of attributing this premature baldness to dissipation. But such is not the case. Thia Soung man is one of the most exemplary ible-olass scholars in the city, went to a Baptist sociable out on West Hill one night ii8' HAWK-BTETEMS. \ about two years ago. He escorted three I chaiminj^ gii'ls, with angelic countenancea i and Immau appetites, out to the refreshment ; table, ]«t them eat all they wanted, and then , found 110 had left hia pocket-book at home, and a doat" man that he had never seen be- fore ac the cashier's desk. The young man, with his face allame, bent down and said i softly, ' ' I am ashamed to say I have no change with " " Hey ? " shouted the cashier. ' "I regret to say." the young man repeated ' on a Utile louder Icey, " that I have uufor- i tuuately coiue away without any change i to " "CliMige two?" chirped the old man, ' "Oh, yes, I can changa live if you want it.'" ' "No." the young man explained in a ter- rible, vutiefcrating whisper, for lialf a dozen | people were (^i'owtlmg up beliind him, impa- i tieut to' pay their bills and get away, "I: don't Wiut any change, because " "Oh, dou't want any change?" the deaf, man cried, gleefully. " 'Bleeged to ye,' 'bleege I to ye. 'Taint often we get such genonma donations. Pass over your bill. ' , '•No, no," the young man explaincil, " 1 ■ have no fund?! " " Oh, plenty of fun, ' the deaf man replied, growing tired of the conversation and notic- ing the long line of people waiting with money in tUeir hands, "but I haven't got time to talic about it now. Settle and move <. on." " But," the young gasped out, " I have no i money " "Go Monday?" queried the deaf cashier. ! " I don't care when you go ; you must pay i and let tfiese other people come up. " ; " I iiave no money 1 " the mortified young i man shoutel, ready to sink into the earthy while the people all around him, and especi- ally the three girls he had treated, were gig- 1 mg and eliuckling audibly. i "Owe money? "the cashier said, " of I course you do : S'2.75. " I can't pay ! " the youth screamed, and by turning liis pockets inside out ami yelling his poverty to the heavens, he tinally made the deaf man understand. And then he had 1 to shriek Ins full name three tim< ), while his | ears fidrly ran^,' with the half-stifled laughter j that w.ia lireaking all around him : and he 1 had to scream out where he worked, and roar when he would pay, and he couldn't get | the deaf nan to understand him until some I of the churcii members came up to see what the uproar vas, and lecognized their young friettd, audiuade it all right with the cashier. Ad(1 theyquug man went out into the night and clubbed himself, and shred hia loekii awtvy until he was bald as an cgg« Hawk-E]rtem8. Homebody told Billinger that stamps wer« not required on notes, and Billinger, overjoy- ed, asked the crowd to drink, and said ho pitied old Gunny})ags, who had been trying for six months to (>et the stamps on a note ho holds against Billinger. Billinger says he knew he would get the law on the old gouge if he held on long enough, ' ' Put out, Bill ! " shrieked an engineer's son to one of his playmates, a brakeman's boy, who was in imiuineut danger of getting smashed by his mother, whowascoming after him, " Git on the main line and give her steam I Hero comes the switch engine ' "' But before the juvenile could get in motion, she had him by the ear, and he was laid up with a hot box. A North Hill man refused to give his boy thirty -five cents to go to, the minstrels, be- cause the entertainment was demoralizing and vulgar in its nature. He then bought a quarter's worth of chewing tobacco, want IioDio and read up the IVaPxh/ Moral Guiife (Uid Guardian, and spat all over the front of tlie Pto\'e, and mside the parlour smell so iiinch like a stale bar-room that the baby had three whiskey fits before ten o'clock. A yoniig editor out iu Floyd County, gush- hvt, overliis first, asks, "Did yon ever watch a de.wlittlj ])aby waking from its morning nap?:' N-not exactly ; but we have watched a dear littk l)aby'3 fond pa gliding up and di \vn the fireless room, trjdng to induce the dear little Ijaby to take a mornhig nap, at 2:15 A. M. — pressing offers but no takers— which was about as much fun as it can be to see the baby wake. A man out on Summer-street has eight di'.ughters, and v/hen they cleaned house last spring, the woman raked 9,724 quids of chewing gum down from tiie window casings, chair backs, door panels and sofa backs, the accumulation of the past winter. And this does not include the wads which the man, at various times sat down on and carried away ou the tails of his coat, for which no accurate returns have been made. I'iveryVjody thought it was a match, and so did he, and so did hIic. One evening at a croquet party she hit her pet corn a whack I with the mailet that sounded like a torpedo, and lie— -he laughed. " We meet as strangers," she wrote on he.- cuff and showed it to hitn. " Think of me tea no more," he whispered huskily, and when the g»4)<e* wan elided h» rushed down t» the Misiiiiiippi* and drowned f. "daloon. fSoiTom HAWK-EYETEMS. 95 at stamps wer« linger, overjoy- k, and said ho ad been trying ips on a note lie linger says he the old gouge an engineer's a brakemau's nger of getting as coming after and give her itch engine ' "' get in motion, le was laid up give his boy minstrels, be- 1 demoralizing then bought a tobacco, want ' Moral Gaiilc. er the front of "lour smell so t the baby had 'clock. County, gush- u ever watch a morning nap?'' 'atched a dear jp and di \vn luce the dear ap, at 2:15 a. rs— which was be to see the eet has eight ned house last '24 quids of ndow casings, ifa backs, the ir. And this h the man, at carried aw.ay sh no accarate natcli, and so jvening at a >rn a Vrhack ke a torpedo, ""e meet as F and showed o more," he le gatti^ Wan MisilMSippi*^ Id Middlerib came home one night and tred a light lunch before going to bed. 1st a mouthful of tea and a l)it of bread," jxplaiued. " Do you want just plain id?" asked Mr^i. M., with reference t(i Jpre.iouce or absence of nuttei". Ami the Ireprjbate said iio would take one pi(ice in, and the other witli a looped overskirt, pad down the gore-i with the aame, and in place witli knife pleatings of )t! jelly. He got the lieol of the loaf. ') wouldn't be sucli a (.'livistiau as you fohti," Slid his wife, a.s .she stood in tlie iway, dressed for churcli. "You could nth me very well, if you wantcl to." low can I?" he half sobbed. "There's wood to be split, and tlie coal to be relied over to the other side of the cellar, [Wby to be dressed, and no disliea washed Idinner yet." "Ah, I didn't think of she murmured thoughtfully, and, ^ig her new cloak a fresh hitch aft, sailed l^oue. pne night last summer a tired, di.scournged out on North Hill went home and llung liself down on a lounge, and said " lie led he were dead, dead, dead." In two Irs he was writhing in a premature and leasonable attack of cholewi moibus, atid rled, and prayed, and sweat, and had doctors in the house, and drank a quart medicine, and had mustard plasters ired all over him, and we])t, and said he iw'i half tended to, and he believed they like to see him die. Are the children safe ?" asks the iJlirls- n Union. Quite safe, we assure you. ley are up in the garret, playing hotel lire, imie is the clerk, and is trying to slide |wn the water pipe to the ground, Willie is [guest, hanging to the window sill and liting for the flames to reach his liand fore he tries to drop to the shed roof, two )ries below, and Tom is a heroic fireman, Id has tied his fishing line around the baby's |dy, and is letting it down ' to the ground, yes, the children are all right : just liah your lildren. call and don't fret about the "Rents," said JMi". Middlerib, with a sigh notunmixedsatistaction, "arecomingdown. estenlay morning I tore the back off my coat I the wood-sbed door, last night I snagged e ^o^ndation of my trousers on a nail in a )ore box, anil this morning I fell down on le fi'ozei] sidewalk and split' the knee of the iiU^ troi^sprs cleftr across, ilents are cer- u^iy.getciog^ low^r. '' " Yes, " responded lrf,,.MiddIiQirib, loQkjin^ agrpss toward the "W. ^^r? <*t , % ^^ef»ring, macUijie , " ai^ , eamatreasea are getting hire. ' Mr. Middld- ! rib looked up at hi" spouse in vague aston- ; ishment, as if for explanation, but she look- ed sublimely unconscious, ;ui(l the good man ' went off fiowu town with hi^ ;.;ii)kin tucked niider his chin, wondei-in^i^ .-ill the way to the I otiice if she meant it or if it was only his interpretation. I " A merciful man," tciulcrly remarked a I Nintli-streeb man one Idtter cold -ianuary i morning, " is merciful to \\'u beast," and he i calle.d the dog in out of tlic s<now, ,aave him 1 hia bicaiiiast on a soup ])late, and laid a I pic(!e ot carpet down Itciiind the kitchen I stove for him to snooze on. Then the man ' went down town, and the neighbours watch- ed his wife shovel snow-jjaths to the wood- shed, cistern, stable, and front gate, and ' then do an hour's work cleaning off the side- ' walk. j Who does not love a faithful, honest dog, man's faitliful friend V Aiul yet who is there, j stT'etching out in the shade for a quiet after- i noon nap, who has had man's faithful ; friend come panting up, and, in an excess of I honest affection, lay a great broad, hot ; tongue over one's cheek, from chin to eye- i brow, that does not get up and seize man's i faitliful friend by tlie tail and one ear i and try to throw him across a prairie iifteea j miles wide ? j The New York Herald pays : " Bake your I ripe pear in a tart, and cat it with brandy and I cream." We'll do it. Here, Alvaretto, j bake us that ripe pear in a tart and dress it with brandy and cream. What ! the pear eaten ? Well, the tart crust and the trim- mings. The tart gone ! I.s it possible ? Theq,i^.,, the brandy and cream. Amazement ! no cream? Ah, then, we must not net^leot good advice. Bring what is left of there-. cipe. A monkey that can say "papa" and "mamma" and "Brazil' is going to the Paris exposition. America can send a don- key that can say, " Haw — yaas, dweadful baw : soiraboily wing faw the pwopwie« tah." - They have just found tho skin of anothfti'"" Dane nailed to tlio oaken door of an old, . old church in Englnnd. The skin isn't en-' tire, only scraps of it remaining under the broad fiat heads of the nails. It v^'as a plea- sant way tlie Danes liad of destroying the beauty of their criiniiiuls — they skinned, them and tlicn nailed the skin to a cliurch door. History decs not tell us how thd ui^« fortunate victim employed himself' duritfj^' * the operation, f)'ut it is quite likely thAtj,' having uotliing elso'to do, lie waa into sqth^ ' deviltry. ' HAWK-EYETEMS. Old Mr. Troph went into the parlour the other night at the witching hour of 11:45 and found the room unlighted and his daugh- ter and a dear friend, one of the dual form of garmenture variety, occupying a tete-a- tete in the corner. " Evangeline," the old man said sternly, "this is scandalous." " Yes, papa, " she answered sweetly, "it is candleless because times are so hard and lights cost so much that Ferdinand and I said we would try and get along with the i starlight." And the old gentleman turned; about in speechless amazement and tried to walk through a panel in the wall paper. | A woman out on North Hill, being count- ed out the other morning, after a debate on the question " Who shall arise and build the fire ? " got up and split her husband's wood- en leg into kindling wood, and broiled his steak with it. It made him •o mad that he got hold of her false teeth and bit the dog with them. She cried until she had a tit of hysterics, and then Hipped out his glass eye and climbed upon the bed post and waxed the glaring eye to the ceiling with a quid of chewing gum. Then he took her whisp of false hair and tied it to a stick, and began whitewash- ing the kitchen with it. Then she started oft' to obtain a divorce, but Judge Newman decided that he couldn t grant a divo'-ce un- less there wei e two parties to the suit, and there was hardly enough left of them to make one. " You don't look at all well," a venerable gobbler out in a North Hill poultry yard remarked to a melancholy -looking young rooster, a short time before Thanksgiving day. "No," was the reply, " I liave reason to look solemn : I expect to die necks tweak." The gobbler smiled grimly and I {)ondered over the uncertainty of poultric j ife as he slowly swallowed a two-inch bolt i head. The worst thing we have seen about Oliver Wendell Holmes, and the only stain on an otherwise irreproachable character, is that he is the inventor of that parlour aggrava- tiou known as the hand stereoscope; a vexa- tious contrivance for which the pictures are always too large to be crammed into the springs or too small to stiLv in them, of which the slide is always shoved oft' the end of the stick in the vain efforts of the observer to find a focus, and of which the glasses always make you see the picture so double that it gives you the headache and finally compels you to peep over the top in order to gain the information necessary to make some in- telligent remark about the jumble you have been staring at. Mrs, Middlerib paused to take a iinal sur vey of the table before she called the ladies out to tea. She started as hr^r eyes fell upot the plate of lemon tarts, '.'.'here were five where there had been nine. She sought her only son and put him in the witness box He objected to her putting her own con struction upon his answers, and was sub^ jected to the usual punishment for contuma ciousueas. And the next "composition day" at school. Master Middleril) amaaed his teacher by reading, as the title of his essay, "The Lost 'i'arts, and why TTiey caii Never be Recovered." Sweet, gushing, artless girl ! Slie cam" hmue just before the Christmas ..olidays She went away from Burlington one Sep tember; went to England first ; spent th« winter in Italy; sauntered through Uerman' in the spring, came back to America and trifled away the summer at Saratoga, Lon/: I Branch and the White Mountains; previoui ! to this trip slie had been away to school fivt : years, and when she jumped out of th' I palace car into her father's arms, she said ; impulsively, ' ' Oh, Paw, Paw, deah, deal) Paw, tliay's no place like home !" And PawV face was a study as he replied, " ^^ ell, no; no; reckon not : must be c^uite a novelty to ye." A young man out on North Hill bought a parrot st me months ago, and in anticipation of the fact that he was going to be married and go to the Centennial, he secretly taught the parrot to say, " Welcome, thrice wel- come home," every time anybody opened the front door, thinking what a delightful sur- prise it would be to his young wife to be thus cheerfully welcomed home on their re- turn. But while they were on their tour, the nervous woman who was left in charge of the house taught the parrot a new remark, as a protection against burglars; and when the young people came home on the night train and let themselves in at the hall door with a latch key, they were shocked and appalled by a terrific shout of " Thieves 1 thieves! Police 1 police! Here Bull 1 here Bull ! Scatter, ye son of a thief, or I'll tear your heart out ! " Next day th^i parrot died, and the young wife now sa'J^s she wouldn't stay alone in that house, lov; for a divorce. A Burlington naturalist last Sunday, while investigating the causes and effects of the poison of a wasp sting, nobly determined to make of himsftlt a martyr to science, and ac- cordingly handed his thumb to an impatient insect he had caged in a bottle. The wasp entered into the marlyr business with a great deal of spirit, and backed np to the thumb with an abruptneaa which took the loientiat HAWK-EYETEMS, ike a iiual sur lUed the ladiei r eyes fell upot 'liere were fivti She sought her| e witness box, her own con- and was sub- it for contutna- ' composition Idlerii) amaaed he title of his why They caii i ! She cam" niui ..olidays igtou one Sep- st ; spent tnt rough Cierman; America and Saratoga, Lon/: itaiiis; previou; y to school fivt ed out of th' arms, she said iw, deah, deali e !" And PawV u\, " i\ell, no; te a novelty to 1 Hill bought a in anticipation 5 to be married secretly taught le, thrice wel- ody opened the delightful sur- lung wife to be me on their re- on their tour, 3 left in charge ; a new remark, ars; and when I on the night in at the jy, they were errific shcut of police ! Here I son of a thief, Next day th^? wife now so'^s hat house, voM Sunday, while effects of the determined to cience, and ao- )o an impatient lie. The waap IBS with a great to the thumb k the loientiat iDy surprise. He was ao deeply absorbed in [the study of remedies tliat he forgot to make jany uotas of tijo otlier points in coiuieutiun Iwith stiug-i, but hii wife wrote a pira;,iaph liu his note-book, for the bt-n- -t of sci' ace, to the effect that the primary effect of a wasp IstiuG; is abrupt, blasphemous, and terrific profanity, followed by an intense desire, fairly amounting to a mauia, for ammonia, 1 camphor, and raw brandy. One day, just after King Solomon hud written a coiumii of 8(dii nonpareil wise and moral proverbs, he took his eldest aori by the elbow, led him dowi tlie b^ick stairs of the palace, through the V)ack yaril, past the wood- shed, out into the ailey, backe i him up be- hind Ahithophel's wood-pile, looked warily arouud to see that no one was listening, and whispered into the young man's ear, " My son, a little office in a spread-eagle life in- surance company is lietter than a cart-load of preferred .s! lick in the Optiir mines." And then the mo arch threw his head on one side, drew in his chin, shut one eye, and gazed at Ids offspiing in silence. Turee years after- ward, when the Great Hebraic Consolidated Stormy Jonlan Life Assurance Company, of which that intelligent young prince was president, went into bankruptcy, the young man was able to let his fatner, who was a little short at tlie time, have 275,000 shekels for ninety days, on liis simple note of haud. They were very pretty, and there was ap- parently five or six years difference in their ages. As the train pulled up at Bussey, the youager girl blushed, flattened her nose nervously against the window, and drew back in joyous smiles as a young man came dash- ing into the car, shook hands tenderly and cordially, insisted on carrying her valiae, magazine, little paper bundle, ami would Ttrobably have cirried herself had she per- mitted him. Tue passengers smiled as she left the car, and the muiinur went rippling through the coach, "They're engaged." The other girl sat looking nervously out of the window, an 1 once or twice gathired her parcels together as thougl . she would leave the car, yet seemed to be expecting some one. At last he came. He bulged iu at the door like a hou^e on fire, looked along the seats until His inxnly gazj fell on her up- turnel, expectant face, roared, "Come on! I've been waiting for you on the platform for fifteen minutes!" grabbed her basket, and strode out of the car, wh le she followed with a little valise, a band-box, a paper bag full of lunch, a bird-cage, a glass jar of jelly, and an extra shawl. And a crastylooxing old bachelor, in chi farther eu 1 of the c ir, creaked out, m uaisoa with the indignant looks of the paMengera, "They're married i " Ml. and Mrs. Bilderback were walking' slowly home from church one unday, whea they met a young ladv of singular beauty and sweetness of countenance, who was quite lame. And Mrs. Bilderback turning to her husband, said, " Did you ever notice what a sweet, uncom* plaining look of resignation rests like a halo on the faces of young girls who are so sadlv afflicted as the lady wno just passed us?" A.nd old Bilderback said that indeed he had, and he beifgel his wife to observe him very closely, and notice what a sweet, uncomplaining expression of peacesul resignation spread itself over his face, like a halo, or like a lump of butter on a hot buckwheat cake, at such times as hil corns tried him unusually bad. And she only remarked casually that wlien they got home she .vould hang a halo arouud his irrev* erent head that would make what little hair was left on it think the millennium was a n- dlion years farther away than ever. One bright May morning, when the build- ing was at its busiest, a careless mason dropped a half brick from the second story of a building out on Jefferson-street, on which he was at work. Leaning over the wall and looking downwards, he discovered a respect* able citizen with his silk hat scrunched over liis eyes and ears, rising from a recumbent posture. The mason, in tones of some appre- hension, asked : "IJidi-hat brick hit any- one down there ? " The citizen with great difiiculty extricating himself from the glove- fitting extinguisher, replied, with consider- able wrath : "Yes, sir, it did ; it hit me." " That's right," exclaimed the mason, in tones of undisguised admiration. "Noble man ! I would rather have wasted a thou- sand bricks than had you tell me a lie abouk it." ' ' They had a rather odd race out at the oil Acme ball grounds yesterday," Trotters remM ked to Ponsonby when they met yes- terday morning. "Jones rode his little calico pony around the block, and Brown rolled an empty fiour barrel the same dis- tance, even start, for $iO. " "Jones beat him of course?" said Ponsonby. "Brown was a fool to make such a match." " Don't be too sure," rejoined Trotters, " when they reached the outcome, the barrel head ; blowed if it didn't." Fonnoaby stared, then slowly smiled, giggled and finally guf> fawe I. " Go )d enough," he said. " rirgit that off to Mrs. Ponsonby." So when he went home he told her all about it. " Well," said she, " that's just about as maoh sense Ai I suppose I that precious Brown of youn has. I am glad he lojt his money." "Oo slow," yelled the delighted Ponsonby, HAWK-EYBTKMS. :i^> -;!■ doesn't often have a chance to sell his wife, I "go slow I By George, Samantha, Browu i b<"ac 1 " Aud Mrs. t'oasouby stared and said , he mu Jt tluiik »ha was as bii; a tool a^ Browa. \ *■ No, ' he said, uurrecciag himself, " uo, i tuat waau't jusc ttie way of it, tlie barrel | beaC, cnac'd it 1 i'ue barrel beat ; Brown ' leu, did, tor a face, by Jove." Aad Mrs. j Pousouby scornfully toid tiiai to go out to ! the woodshod aad see if he could find any sticks that would >{o into tue kitchen stove — she couldn't. And Ponsouby coatidential- ly told the gentleman who saws his wood an inch and a, tialf too loug for every stove in the house, tliat you might as well tell a joke to asawoucu as to his wife, for she hadn't as much coucejjrion of geuuine humour as a cow. ■ Tiie pajjera in this country are quite gen erally (.lauusniug lae luliu wing //tot oi laiiey- ra^a'd WuicU is read wii,u tue jjieauost eajOj • oy ail olasdes ot newspaper reaueis : it IS said ttiat the notorious M. De Man- breuil, waose name of Jvlarquia d'Orvaulc came so scandalously before the public a few years past, proposed to have Napoleon assass- inated, and the Abbe de Prade was in favour of the scheme, and discussed its execution with Talleyrand, and that the . following words passed : •' Comoieii vous faut-il ? " "i)ix millions. ' " UiX millions '.'" said Talleyrand, " mais ce n esc rem pour debarrasdcr ia i^'rance d'ua el tileau." Tuis is pretty good, but it reminds us of a much better oae, choagu it may besouitiwhat old, wnion was related to us by lie v. Jasper C. KomiUy, formerly of tins city, about himself, ivlr. iioiniliy, whoso distinguishing personal characteristic was au imaieuse biaoK beard, was for some years a missionary at Ugopogo, in Farther Imlia, aud ou one occasion he diaed witli the Bugaboo of the province. VVnen tne wine and walnuts were brouglit in the Bugaboo said : " >iarcharikai noi-to-po ke-tee nomki- dom?" '* Jappero pompety doodle de wouk klouk kobbered jam,' replied >lr. Rjinilly. '* )[owii.t' exclaimed the potentate, "chiokero boobery hong doitg cnoi-ke*ree yangsce' boi." ' Tuis was, indeed, too good to keep. Woman is a natural traveller. It in a study to see her start otf on a trip by herself. She oomes down to tne depot in au express waggon curee hours before cram time. Sue iusiSkS on sitting ou aer truu&, out on Cue platform, to ueep it from being stolen. Sue picks up her reucule, fan, parasol, luncu DMket, small pot with a house plant in it, shawl, paper bag of candy, bouquet (she never travels wuhout one), small tumbler aud extra veil, and caase.s hysterically after every switch-eayine tnut goes by, under the luipiUssion that it is het ti.iiu. Her voice trembles as she preseuus herself at the res- taurant aad tries to buy a ticket, aud she knocks with the handle ot her parasol ou the door of the old disused tool-house in vain hoprs that the bag^^age man will come out and check her truuK. She asks every body in the ilopot aud ou Uie platform when ^er train will .-^taii, and uiiei-e it will stand, and, looking .-^iiaight at che great clock, asks : "What time is it now;" She sees, with terror, tne baggage man shy her trunk into a ear where two men are smokiug: instead of looking it up 0> itacii 111 a ia(ge strong, brown car wita " Bad oimci , saop>, chalked on tiie ciide, which ^he nas long ago de.ermmed to .>e the i>a_4j,.*|je car j>igut. Aiiu>ja^>i as t^io o:ily bale one in ae iii'st at cne uepoc, bUe IS the lasb to ge^ ad ci'vii.eu ; and ouce on the cars, sue sits, to tne end of uer journey, in an agony of appreiieusioa that sue Aas got on the wrong train aud will be lauded at some strange scatiou, put in a close carriage, drugged, aud murdered, and to every iaat male passenger who walks down the aisle she stands up and presents her Cicket, which she invariably carries lu her hand. She liually recognizes her waiting friends on tiie piattorm, leaves the car in a burst of grati- bU le, and the tiaiu is ten miles away betore she remembers that tier reticule, fan, parasol, iUiich basinet, verbena, shawl, candy, cumOier, veil aud bouqueb, are oa the car seat wnere sue left tnem, or at the depot in feoria, for the liie of ncr she can't tell wnich. A man may carry a load of guilt con- cealed in his tortured soul for years,and liide It wit;h a veneering ot iioUow, tieardess, de- ceicfai sindes, buc it doesa c take tive min- UDus for cne thougncless world to observe aud uuderstitud tiie one-shoaldered gaic pf a iiian whose larboard suspender button naa parted. How often a little careless action, a thougntless word, a restless gesture, brings a dood of thoughts surging into cne soul, cuat almost tear away tae veil of mystery tuat uangs between to-day aud to-morrow, and give us vague and hasty ghiupaes into the dark uncertain future. vVnen you see a man come out of a drug store, for instance, with* '' prescription careiully compounded," in his hand, and dasli away at break-neck speed, aud then see Che puarmacist come Co cne dior carrying an uucorked buttie, and smell at it ed-aesoly wuu one uosonl, gaze anxiously down the slreec after tuo mmu, smell at it long aud intensely with the other bouquet (ahe binali tumbler 'sturically after i by, vtider llie iiu. Her voice itiif at the rea> tiut^et, aud she r paraooi ou the lumde in vaixi will come out iks every body tforiu when .'ler will ataud, and, ab clock, asks : She sees, with her truult: luto Kiug: lubtead ui c atroujj, brown uUaikud uu tiie o de.tii'iuuied lo :iiy buiu uuti in 1/ ui0 impui, bUe iind ouce uu the uer jouruuy, in c sue Has gut on lauded at some ciode carriage, to every iaat dowu the aisle sr ticket, which ur hand. iShe t'neuds ou the b burdt ut grati- ueti away beiore lie, tau, paratsol, oaudy,cuint)ier, i car beat wnere jb 111 Peoria, for vaiuh. of guilt con- : yeard,aud hide , heacciesd, de- Uke dve mm- 'id to obdurve liered gait pf a ider button HAWKETETlMfl. (.■■•! I sless action, a genture, brings to tUe sold, tuat >l: myscery tuat to-morrow, and impses into the n you see a nuui iudtauoe, with A touuded," in his eak-ueuk speed, a come to cue octie, aud smell ) uodord, gaze after tuo mmu, with the other nostril, stare wildly up the street aftei'the mfln. »pd then FniflT .it it onoe tr twire with both iiofitrilK. rearl tbeprecoriptionovpr. and retire irto the medicire shop with a jrlooiry brow and snd phakef of the hesuVhow Diany things you begin to think about then, as it might be. "My son," said a pious father out on South Hill to hia hopeful son, "you did not saw any wood for the kitchen stove yester day, as I told you to ; you left the back gate opn and let the row pet out ; you cut off eighteen feet from the clothes line to make a lasso ; you stoned Mr. Robinson's pet dojr and lamed it ; you put a hard-shell turtle in the hired girl's bed ; you tied a strange dog to Mr. Jacobson's door bell ; you painted red »iH green stripes on tl^e lei s of oW Mrs. Polaby's white pony, and hnng your sister'^ bustle out of the front window. Now, whpt am T — what can I do to yon for such con- duct?" ".Are all the connties heard from ?" asked the candidate. The father replied sternly, "No trifling .sir : no, T have yet several reports to receive from others of the neighbours." "Then," replied the boy, "you will not be justified in proceeding to extreme measures until the official count i« in." Shortly afterward the election was thrown into the house, and before half the votes were canvassed, it was evdent, from the penuliar intonation of the applause, that the boy was badly beaten. Passing by one of the city schools one day we listened to the scholars singing, "Oh how I love my teacher dear. " There was one Voy, with a voice like a tornado, who was so en- thusiastic that he emphasized every other word and roared, "Oh how I love my teach-ar d^ar," with a vim that left no possible doubt of his affection. Ten minute'* afterward that bry had been stood up on t'le floor for putting shoemaker's wax on his teacher's chair, got three demerit marks for drawing a pidlure of her with red chalk on th<- hack of an atlas, been well shaken for putting a bent pin in another bov's chair, scolded for whistling out loud, sentenced to stay after school for draw- ing ink mustaches on his face and blackinp the end of another hoy's nose, and soundly whipped for slapping three hundred and thir- ty-nine spit balls up against the ceiling, and throwing one big one into a girl's ear. Yon can't believe half a boy says when he sings. Art has its votaries even among the un- taught children of the wilderness. A few days ago a savacre Indian painted his own face, went into an emigrant waggon that was sketched, by himself, out on the prairie after dark, and drew a woman from under the c<an- VM Mid soolptor. "Who dem, f'assins ?" a visiting freedman fromKeoknk asked a fnend the other day. a« a Masonic lodge, in funeral procession, pass- ed bv. "Pev's de Free and Expected Masons." "'Mazin' what?" " Why, mason nuffin, jest on'y Masons." " Sbo ? How long dey bin free ?" " Oh, gory, long time. Spects ever since de mancipation proclamation, anyhow. Some on 'em was free before den. " Dat so Went off to Canada, moa' likely ?" "Sneers 90." " Who's done expectin' of 'sim ?" "Nobody: ieat expectin' demselves. Dey'g on'y Free and Expected Masons, dat'sall." " Sho ! Well, I'd jest like to know what dar is 'mazin' about 'em an' I'd done be satis- (led." Oh, the artles" prattle of an innocent child hood ! How the 8«'eet music of their hearts .and voices calms the wild yearnings of the sorrow-crowned years of maturity. At a happy home in Burlington the other evening, where the familv was gathered around t^e tea-table entertaining unexpected I'uests, the fond mother said to the youngest dar- ling, " Weedie, darling, be careful ; von mustn't spill the berries on the table-cloth." " 'Taint a table - eloth.' oromptlv responded darling, "its a sheet.'" And late at night, when the company had gone away, and that sweet child was stand- ing with it? head nearly where its feet ought to be, catching with its tear-blinded eyes Oc- casional glimpses of a fleeting slipper that fluttered in the air in eccentric gjTations, one could see how early in the stormy years of this brief life" one may begin to suffer for the truth. It was at the sociable. Young Mr. Spot- head, who reads poetry oh, so divinely, and is oh. so nice, stepped on her dress as she was hurrying across the room. Kr-r-rt! R'p! R'p! how it tore and ietked, and how Mr. Spothead looked as though he world die. "Oh, dear no, Mr. Spothead," she said. smiling till she looked like a seraph who had got down here by mistake, " its of no conse- quence ; I assure you it doesn't make a par* tide of difference at all. " Just twenty-five minutes later, her husband, helping her into the street car, mussed her ruffle. " Good* n ess gracious me!" she snapped out, "go away and let me alone ; you'll tear me to pieces if you keep on." And she flopped down on the seat so hard that everything rattled, and the frightened driver, ejaculat- ing, "There goes that brake chain again," crawled under the car with his lantern to see how badly it had given way. 100 HAWKEYETEMS. .*•' When you see a yonrg man sitting in the ' parlour, with tl eujilifBt tix jearold Vf ytlat ever frightened himself in the mirrfr clam- bering over his knees, jerking his white tie j out of knot, mussing his white vest, ki< kin^ ' his shins.feelini; in all his pockets for iiickel!>, bonibaiding hiai from tiirt to time with var- ious bits of light furniture and bijouterie, \ calling him names at the top of his hendifih lungs and yelling incessantly fur him to come out in the y ird and play, while the unresisting victim smiles all the time i like the cover of a comic almanac, you ! may safely bet — although there isn't a sien of a girl apparent in a radius of 10,000 miles — you can bet your bottom dollar that howl- ing boy has a sister who is primping in a room i not twenty feet away.and that the youn£;man j doesn t come there just for the fun of playing | with her brother. . i Mrs. J. C. Mc^ belter, who lives out on Ninth-street, worked three weekf. building a I rookery out of cracked hoards, and threw | the whole pile away in fifteen minutes yes- , terday afternoon, bombarding a neighbour < who said Ler baby's head was red enough to i heat its catnip tea on. An enraptured Burli. gton lover, hearing ' his sweetheart sigh dejectedly the other I evening, rapturously administered a quar- ' tette of kisses.and exclaimed, "You're mine, ' now, in spite of fate!" "And why?" she' asked. " Because," he said, "four of a kind | beats ace high.' But she believes to this ] day that he played a cold deck on hei-. "All flesh is grass," as the reaping ma- | shine said when it chawed up the harvest hand. The other day a public reader, while enter- tainingan audience with a masterly rendition of an extract from " Macbeth," dropped his false teeth out, but he went right on with the soliloquy, "Ig gish a daggag ash I see befog me ? ('ug, leg me glug ghee ! " And then the audience got up and howled and threw all the chairs out of the window and M^t out for some one to come in and hold them while they hollered. A South Hill man complained to old Dibbs, the other day, that his house was infested 'V with chimney swallows, but old Dibbs says 9 ,>^he isTeady to bet fifty dollars hat the man ^.^' ' %^ twallows twice as much as the chimney does. "^ The tramp has his revenge on society after fSL If they refuse his request fur a square meal at any house, he lurks around the vicinity with threatening glances until night- fall, when he skulks rapidly away with the comforting knowledge that while he is snor- ing all the hours of that long Summer night away under a haystack, every being in thaj ^^^^ w h<upe wonld pit 1 olt upright in led all night ^\^(.VR ( frit.'litei)cd ly ihe vind, tenified by tl( lustliiit; of the baves. Ptfrrd into fits whfi even the dog larks, iind })oui.ced out of bt< every time the clock strike?, while a nijiht- mare of buiplarioua tramps fills ever>- drowgj moment with awakenii g terrors. No won der that tramps always look 1 appy and con tented. A young native ijoet, who is writing " song of olden Rome," asks us to give hire a rhjme for Komulus. A dozen, if hewanu them : " If o'er thnt wall you leap, tiM diince. The lightning stroke would harm < ou lets But Kemus 1 u^lieri and leareti ; at once His head wa pimched by Romulus. A fellow never ap])reciates the tender beauty of a sister's love half so much as when he makes her get nut of the big rocking chair, and let him have the morning pnper, while she fines off and leans up a^'ains-t the end of the lureau and feeds her stiuving intellect on the household receipts at the back o: Jayne's family a:mnnac. A brother's love ia like pure gold. It is dreadfully hard to find, and when you find it, it's very apt to be py rites, " Did you never," asked a traiipcendental young lady just three weeks from Vassar, of the West Hill young man, " Did you neve feel a vague, unrestiul yearning after the be- yond ? a wild, strange, impulsive longing and reaching out after the unattainable? ' And the West Hill man said he oiten had. last sumn:-=T, at !?uoli times as he was trying to scratch a square inch of hives, right between his shoulder blades, and just out of reach of anything. A benevolent clergyman recently helped a profane Bnilington inebriate out of the gut- ter, and gently rebuking him reminded him that " the wages of sin is death. ' "I knuw't,'' replied the erring one, " but I've worked so much overtime, and tlie shup is far in arreari to me that I'll never get half that's comin' to me any how." And he went off to work right on the same old job. Old Mr. Balbraggan is very much pleased with a gentleman whom he had engaged to saw wood " When he piles the wood," said old Balbriggan to his friend, "if one stick projects beyond the others, he pounds it iu with the axe." "He's a slouch." replied Bifelston, "you should see my wood sawyer When he gota the wood all piled he takes off the rough projecting ends with a hand saw." "He couldn't pile wood for me,' broke in old Mr Pillunghorn, "my saw yor piles the wood carefully, then goes fore hf And tl before' eawyei and na up by. such a A V^ wasp « ad<°an it in t hp wa Hisol or me He is dnrma and w out fii the la wink, able HAWK-EYETEMS. lei ery Yeirg in th t inlifd al! night, teiiified l»j' t) (1 into fits •»hf .■I ced out of l't<| =. Mlnle a ni^h ills even- drowg; rrors. No won 1 appy and con •ho is writing » us to jiive hiiE ozen, if he want* (* dunce. d harm < ou letn" per) ; at once Romului. tes the tender so much as when )ig rocking chair, ing pnper, while .'ainst tiie end of tnrvirg intellect at the back o: brother's love ij uHy hard to find, iry apt to be py a trail pcendenta] from Vassar, of " Did you neve- ring after the be- ilsive longing and tainabic? ' And i oiten had. last i« M as trying to Js, right between t out of reach of •ecently helped a '■ out of the gut- n reminded him li. ' "I know't,' I've worked so ) is far in arreari that's c<itnin* to 5nt off to work •y mnch pleased had engaged to the wood," said , "if one stick he pounds it iu ilouch," replied ly wood sawyer, piled he takes i With a hand wood for me, " 'HI, "my saw- iliy, then ^oes ver the ends with a jack plane, sand papers hem down aU'l puts on a coat of varnish be- V»re he ever thinks of aiiking for bis pay " nd then th^y all went in at'tpr a big diiiik b«-foreThro< kinortoncould tfll how his wodd sawyer silver plated all thu ei.ds of the wood and nailed a handle on every stick to tiick it np by. Because, you see, Throckmorton is such a liar, and they all know it. A West Hill minister picked up a frozen wasp on the sidewalk, and with a view to ad'ancing the interests of science, he carried it in the house and held it oy the tail while he warmed its ears over a lamp chim/iey. His obJ3ct was to see if wasps froze to deatli, or merely lay aormant during the winter. He is of the opinion that they merely lie dormant, and the dormantest kind at that, and when tliey revive, he says, the tail thaws out first, for ^\hile this one's hea<l, right over the lamp, was fo s^^^iflT and cold it could not wink, its probe worked with such inconieiv- able rapidity that the mini'-ter couldn't ;.asp fftst enough to keep up with it. He threw the vicious thing down the lamp cliimney, and said he didn't want to have any more truck with a dormant wasp, at which his wife bnrst into tears and asked how he, a minister of the cospel, could use such language, right before the children, too. When a man accustoms himself to owning a dog, aad turning around at every corner to look up and down street for him. and whistle him out of stairways, or yell at him to stop his fooling with f)thf r dogs and come along, or make dashes into a crowd of earnest ainl excited dogs who are holding a caucus and have each other by the ear, and especially his dog — that man is a slave to a habit that he will never break. It will cling to him, we believe, after he gens to heaven, tor most men who love dogs are pretty sure of going to i'eaven. We once saw an old settler standing at the Barrett House corner, peering nj> and down street, and stooping down to look under the hacks, and "wondering where he could be," and whistling and growing im- patient, and scolding and calling, "Hyuh, Turk ! yuh I yuh !" until every dog iu Bur- lington was sitting around the Barrett House noiupr, patiently pounding the snow with his iail and mentally resolving to lay for Turk if he ever came. Presently a young man came along and, greeting the anxious dog hunter as his "Father," asked him what he was wait- ing there for ? The old settler said he had lost Turk somewhere right around there, and couldn't see hide nor hair of him, and couldn t imagine where he had gone to. "Turk!' roared his dutiful son, "Turk! Suffering Moses ! And him dead eight years ago ! " And he hustled the old man away before he eould begin to whittle np any more ghoati. The balmy breath of spring is so entwined with the fragranco "f new oi.ion.s that a man hao to grip his nose with a snring clothes pin every time he stoops to plnck a violet. A gif d contributor sends us a poem becii'ning " Open the doors totbe children." Yon'd better, if you dont want .all the paint kicked ofi[' the panels. There is nothing that tends to destroy popular sympathy for the wotking classes so mnch Rs the habit a bricklayer has of drop- ping bit?; of mortar from the top of a five- story V all into the eye of the wondering man who stands under the lofty scaffolding and looks up. A porcplain-lined k- '(;''• in a berry- stj'icken iieiL'hl'onih'M'l i> the nearest approrioh to perpetual motion that has yet been realized. Its incessant mo' ion is only rivalled bv the slow, steady growth of the sugar bill. One nf the discmeries made by the 1 itest arctic exiilorers is tliat the length of the po- lar night is one hundred ami forty-two days. What a heaveily plare that would be in which to tell a man with a bill to call around day after to-moirow and get his money. A fashion jou'nal says "white velvet dresses give a roundness to the tigtire. " They give an awful lankness to the figures on a hundred dollar bill. Mnltum. in pnrro : Town tramp, to lady of the house: ''Please, missus, won't yon give me 8( mething to drink? I'm so hungry I don't know where I'll stay to night." An eminent New York jurist, who has retired from the bench, always shakes hards with bis friends by turning around and pass- ing his rii?ht hand behind his back. It is supposed the peculiar habit was contracted during his active ))rofessiopal life. Cards of invitation in Utah, issued by » voting lady and her mother, always present the compliments of "Miss Smith and the Mrs. Smiths." We are told by a Russian traveller that the summit of Mt. Htod is a single shftrp peak of lava. Vt hitv or Balaclava f A scientili',' gv^iitlon ■in sends us an elabo- rate treatise on " the healthiness of lemons." • They may be dre.idfully healthy. b\|t ''tiiey < are terribly .soured iu their dispositioris. A rising young tenor in Burlington hu a neck eight inches long, and it gives him SkU ,^ immense power .iver his voice; enables him * to thro<at a Ion;;; way.s. (Tr;", Iu, la !) About tho oldest I'lthi game of draw we know of was played wh.en .Tosliua razed Jer- icho, and the fellows of the city wished they hadn't stayed in. . ' ?A| 1*2 HAWK-rrmMs. The whale in the itnlkiest of all fishes. He is the wornt ponter in the business. Ymir landlonl is prohably the finest exam- ple of ti'ial affection rnd duty yon e>er met. He in nnremittin^ in his attention and care of his pay rents. "Was it her brother?" is the title of a ^ new novel. We think not. It' is our im- pression that the larpe gentleman in the plaid coat, who was kicking him down stairs and calling for the dog, was her brother. George Washington's strongest hold upon the American people is the fact that he never wore a box coat and a plug hat. History says, "Cressr had his Brutus.'" But somehow or other we always had the impression that Biutua rather had Offisar. By snme wickeH and unpardonable error, the case of the pViotoeraphn of editors on ex- hibition at, th*> Centennial pot misplaced, and was exhibited in a frame labelled "Na- tive woods of the United States." Nature's effort to maintain equilibrium is never better set forth tban in the instinctive ■tniggles of a man with one suspender to carry both shoulders even. On account of the Turco-Russian war and the failure of the American cabbage crop last year, nearly all the srenuine imported Turkish tobacco nsed in this country this summer will have to bo made out of plantain weed. The day after Christmas, father and mother no longer come sneaking in at the back door with mysterious looking bundles. No indeed. Mother is gliding around with the expression of a Christian martyr with the toothache, because he she didn't get what she expected, and father is sitting around, hold- ing his Itreath till the bills come in. Flies are made for some good and useful purpose after all. If it wa8i\'t for the busy flies, men with their never dying souls to ; save and lots of work to do, would lie down A after dinner and sleep till six o'clock every day. A Nashville bank robber burrowed under a street for five days, and at length came up ' . in tile coal vault of a beer saloon, three doors ^ away from the bank, and bit himself in r ^eleven places with the most uncompromising - Hog he ever tried to conciliate. The next '^time he attempts any mining operations he ■W. ■»'^ill take a practical engineer along. It was intensely hot in Salt Lake City last /summer, and one night about 1.820 linear ieejt of prickly heat broke out on the infant b&oks in Briurham Yonng's nnrsery. The eruption hasn't been equalled since Mt. Ve- BttTiuB cooled o£ You can utilize your Coke of maple sneai if you find there is too mnch sand in it make molas'PR of. by putting it in a nei frame of cnrd-loard. or some kind of fan work, in bright colon^a, and hanging it i neainst the wall to light matches on. Il never wears out. It is in the merry month of sprip<» that tree peddler comes around and tall^s you death, and sells you a plum tree that beai fruit so bitter that it poisons every curculi that tastes it, and some cherry trees thai send up one hundred and fifty sprouts the square inch and will lift the housed its foundations in two ypars' growth, atiiil some apple trees that neither sprout, bloi- aom, nor bear fruit, and some blackberry bushes that spread all over a ten-acre lrt| the first season, and some gooseberry bushei thnt have thorns on a foot long, and never! have anything else, and some peach tre*! that break out in bloom from the ground to the tip of the topmost b~anch five days after they are put in the f^round and die as dead as a Hint the sixth day, and a climb- ing rose tree that turns out to be wild ivy and pMsons every sowl about the house be fore the summer is over. When the late Governor of the Persian province of Fars retired from office, the Government ofiiciala put him in the stocki and pounded the soles of his feet until ht disgorged S30i1.000 of crooked salary. 1 the Government of the United States would adopt that system, five hundred million pairs of crutches would carry the popula tion of the republic to and from its daily labour. And if we knew where we could cret hold of a man who would give down like the late worthy Governor of Pars, we" would gather him by the ankles, stand him on his head, and welt the soles of his feet until the backbone went through the topi of h-'s head and stuck nine inches in the ground. There is a junior in the Burlington hieh school who, when his father cuffs his scholastic ears for leaving the wheelbarrow standing athwart the front gate, can go out to the woodshed and swear in French, grumble in German, threaten to run away and be a pirate in good classic Greek, and blubber in honest United States. One day last winter a yoitng lady broke through the ice of a deep skating pond near Toronto, and a young man rescued her at the risk of his own life. As the half drowned girl was recovpringconsciousness. her agonized father arrived on the spot. Taking one of her cold, white hands in one of his own, he reached out the other for the hand of her rescuer, but the ;oang man, realizing his iger, woo not sed t ubes u iiuiili. We h apea ttier mes, igettiei ttuma lithe ,owly lefore ud tu ae he f{uue Mvku- auauui uaer i lear., w itrones taiuttd bia iuij earih a huuil-i to be arcbiaj aad uu crackei asuiliq telf a can uui didl Aw a burui pauiL a shaded ik:<d 8 thiugB letben iaus, 1 all 801 tha(> auy li< tuac ' wanes Wuei- and ^ ctiucii neclit pair G can't ends thing had L On peard Tain rett the I B i HAWK-ETBTEMS. 101 e of maple angti "ch Mnd in it tirp it in a npi >ine kind nf fani id b)»njrinp it ni matches on. ,nger, with one frightened glance broke for ,e woods, and waa aooa lust to view. Ue uob been heard ot smue, and it is sup- sed that he is traveUuig iu tiiu Uuiied lUtes under the fai^e auU huiluw name of lUllll. We haven't given the subject enough scudy apeak very cuuhdeutly upon it, ouc we and taJ'is you fi atlier believe, wueu the eud of the world Ri tree that bean oiues, and the last trump calls all maukind )«« every curculw ogetber, that the man who died with cherry trees thut beumatism will lie still a long time, and will fifty sprouts to e«l the small of his back, and rub his knets lift the house 08 lowly and thoughtfully a great iijauy times, of spriniF that '•■s growth, anij lome blackberry a ten-ncre ln| noseberry bnshei lonp, and never me peach tre^i from the ground b-anch five days 'ground and die day, and a climb, it to be wild ivy >ut the house be- • of the Peraiao from office, tlie im in the stocki pi" feet until hi ''ked salary. II ted States would hundred million irry the pnpula 1 from its dailv where we could rould give down nor of Pars, we nkles, stand him soles of his feet hrough the top e inches in the efure he tinally groaua aud makes up his her sprout, blo«- uud to get up. Auu, as like as uot, by tbe Burlington hieh »ther cufTa bia ;he wheelbarrow rate, can go out ear in French, an to run away ssic Greek, and .tea. ung lady broke ating pond near rescued her at behalf drowned esR. her agonized Taking one of of hi« own, he he hand of her i> realizing his iine he g-ita ou his feet everybody else wiii le guue. Mitu — What power of nature has he not uuaued? vVnub uiiui>itu uad ue uob bruiideti luaer toot ? Wuat arocic rigour auU iropiuai ean, wuuo polar ttuuwd auu eiiuacuriai auu- itroK.es has iie uot laughed to aoorn ? He has mt)d Clie elemeutd, ue uas luaae cue oouaa lis luguway, lie lias made tire aud water, rdh aud air, his servauts, aud bent beueath ,u uil-snbduiug yoke e veu the wild lightniugs be bis mesaeuger. Aud yet he can uoc, arching himself upon the back of hia head aad ou his ueela, scoop with bis eager palm, cracker cruuiba from the iriitatiug sueet witu a iiuiiioieut degree at auuoeaa to maute uim- iielt a good m^ht's sleep. He cau uot, he uaii uub — oh, might ol tue giaut, it kaiuc be did I A woman will take the smallest drawer in a bureau for her owu private use, aud will pacK away iu it brigut bica of boxea, of all shades aud sizes, dauity fragmeutu of ribbou, b:<d scraps of laoe, fouuiy lutties, velvet thiugs for the ueuk, buuales of old love- Ibtters, pieces ot jewellery, liaudiieruhiefs, taus, thiuga that no uiau kuowa the name 01, ail sorts of freau-luokiug, briglit litile trupa thai you couldn't catalogue lu a coiuuiu, aud auy hour of the day or uiguc she uau go to tuac drawer aud pick up auy article she wants wituuuc disburbiug any tuiug elae. Wuereas a m^u, having lue big^^eab, ileepeai, and widest diawer aaaigued to uiin, will chuck iuto It tur je socka, a collar-box, au old necktie, two naudkerohiefs, a pipe, aud a pair of suspenders, aud bo save nis soul he can't shub tuat drawer wibhoub leaving more ends of things scickiutt ouc than there are things in it, aud it always looks as though ib had ueeu packed wibh a nydraulic preas. One day a young man of respe^ttable ap- pearaace accracced couaiddritble acceucion ou Tuird-acceeC, wuiie croasiu^ over co cuot tij^r- retc House. He ati>pped m tue middle of the street and yeUed, and d»ao«d mp and down on one leg, while he held the other out and kicked, like tlie can-can lady ou the bulletiu boards. The bystanders tiiougbt he was cra/.y, aud threw stones and mud ab him, audkuocKed him down and cooked him, aud held hini still, wuile he never ceased to suriek, " finake up my leg! 8nake up my leg!" Tiieu they reached up and pulled a small roll of bills out of his trousers leg, and let him up, when he raised his hauils to heaven and swore he would never carry money in a hip pocket again, hole or no hole. It was ou a bright April morning that Mr. Alauaou Bodley, who lives out on Sumuiei- Bbreec, stepped out of the house in a tender traiue of miud, siugiug sofdy to himself, "Oh had 1 the wiuga of a dove, I'd Ay, Away from " Just then the hired giii threw tue bed-room carpet out of ciie wiudow, aud as its duaby lolds euvel* oped >ir. hodley, aud tarew hia Sbru^gliug tor/u down sbaira, he was heard to oxciaim lu muidcd touea, "If I get out of this, if I dou'b cut the raw hearb oub of tue bloody- miuded asaassiu that sluug that carptiC, sbrike me dead !" Tims, too often, the tenderer iudueuces that briug iuto life and being our higuer and uoble emotions aud tranaceud- eutal lougiu^s, are warped aud distorted by the steru realicies of life, like a wet boot behind the kituueu stove. They had the awf ulust time up at Jerome Oaveudidh's huuse, ou kVest Hill, one eveu- iug, aud Mrs. (Javeuuish weubiuto Uyaterics, aud Aiiaa Caveudiah fainted, and youug George Cavendish graobsd hia hat aud ran out oc the huujc, autl old Caveudiah raved and ramped around like a crazy luan, all just because they had wattlea for tea, anil Alias Cavendiah fouad a — "ou ! ow .' ow / oo-oo- 00! I! BK-K-£-£ !" liard-baked beode in a wulUc. Uh, it was terrible! It wa& awful ! It was too awlul ! Too awful ! Two walile ! Ouc day last sprmg a sweet-faced woman, wibu a amile like au augel and a voice softer .- aud sweeter th<in the bouud of Uutes upon ' ' tue water, was walking up i<'ifth-street. ishe was walkiug very sluwiy, eujoymg the cool, . aott air, aud the delicious saaae of £hoae muple trees just below Diviaiou-street. ^Hor languid mo lions were the perfecbiou of gra|«e, aud she was the admiration of every, pair of' '^ «ye% on the street, when suddenly ab* bhrew her parasol over the steeple uf the ' cuurch, screamed till she rattled tue windows -^ in the parsouage, jumped up as high as the teuce turee bimea, aud whooped aud sapfikad, aud waned, and uuwled, aud kickeil uutil everybody thought ane uad suddenly bevome - ^'*' luaaue. But waen they ran up and caugtUi hold of her and poured water on her head' 11 104 HAWK-fiVKTlfiMS. A pair of deaf mutes were married in Monroe, fJeorgia, three years ai?o, aiul non- it; is more fun tlkau a circus to see them qiiari-el ami make faces at each other witii tlieii' fingers. Two young ladies of Tama Couuty, have Some years ago a pubhc-spinted citizen of , jiuished a quilt containing 10,696 pieces, aii.i Burlin^tou died, ml left, by his will, j the local paper proudly asks if anybody in !$175,000 to found ixu orphan asylum ; and i^^^ can b«^at that ? We haven't anytliin;; his sons aud daugluers, and nieces and i,i Burlington like that in the quilt line, but nephews, and couiius, and broth.^rs, and Qasper Cruger, up on tli^'htli-strcet, fell sisters, and all his wiiu s iciati )iis, contested • .. - and $15 bonnet, and shook her until she quit screatuing au.i began to talk, th^y found tliat one of tu.)de green worms, about an inch l(.ing, had dropped Iioin tlie mapie loaves and slid down her back. Au l they didu'c wonder that she yelled and mido a fuss about it. ^ph !.!.« the will, aud fought aud wraugie;'. and called each other iiamej, and told hird stories about each other, ami prtn'ud up wonderful claims, and hired lawyers by the acre, and kept the tight up luaatuilj uutil quite la eiy, when ^t transpired that the man only had $.35, in the wiio!e wide world when he died, and owed that to his grocer, and was in debt about $35D beside, and that the cotiin he was buried in hadn't been paid for yet. And it was sad to see thoie- claimants standing aronud the streets witli grip- sacks in their hands trying to get out oi town, with a lawyer aud a capia-j lurking behind every corner. It 18 a remarkable coincidence, and shows the beneticeut WatohcM'i! svuioh a kind Pro- vidence exercises over mankind, that the ad- vertiaeineuta nt new aad infallible cholera mixtures shoull appear in t le city papers jujt about the tune vvaterui'jlo.is ooiao in. When a unn, ctnuing ilowu to break- fast half awaii", with his uncertain feet shod in a piif nf .slip shod slip- pers, steps on a ap.wi ou the lirsc .step, he is generally wide-awake ciiouga !>y the time he tries to break hha ladt step to Have a very vivid aud uot eiioirol^' iiicurrect idea of the power and iudti n.iuctible force generated by the Keely mot u. Bug tliat isn't what he talks about wuuu lie goes into che breakfest ]^|il aud tlie rc)i;;s a^l^ hiai wha" male sucti ' I ^i^pise iu the hall ? f l* A$ a charity ball in New York one lady ■' 'WOn» dtaiuouds valued at ;$85, OiiO,and another . M.J.e y^ore f^$I^,[)0O dress, aid so all the way 'doVo W the p»or people, waoseclouhes didn't .;. pQsttopre 6ii||iuiii,8iX). i'he net orojoedi of ^ fibuiJ^aK, wuioh were to be devoted to ctiac- ' • ■Vtabli p,tufpoatts, amnmiteJ to<:$11.2i, which the ..4'0'^'^Kwiper and ticket-seller spent for hot .....driAki. . StMl ropej are being introluoad into the . .BrRi»4 nxvy in pl.voa of the elamiy Hemp ; 'l|iwae!^4. I'nay had be.ter enlist a fdJV sroj I rem nent co.itraccors r'rom V n i ica. Tiieyr- steal ropaj, swiis, tar oajlcutj, inirliu- ^utts, oipicau bars, or anythiag else boat Mti't'nailcd down »ad uud< 7704 guArd. '■w; 1 33 lown the plank walk Sueps leading down tu Valley -street, one morning, aud ran 10,'>97 pine slivers into his back and legs, aud a Tama man than he was when he got up you never saw. The Massachusetts pspers are discussing the question, " iVlay Cousins iVlarry ? We shcmld hope so. We don't bee why a oousin hasn't as good a right to marry as a brother or an uucle or a hou or sister. They all got used to cousin' after they mairy, anyhow. Abdel Moulk Kahn, the eldest son of the Emir of Bokhara, has made a pilgrimage to Mecca, in accordance with the Mohammedan custom. In this country it is customary for tlie Moulk Kahns to Mecca a pilgrimage ti the neartst river just before milking time. A Burlington man, wiio is a mouoiuaniac on the subject of roller skates.aud who speut ninety-two days iu tue rink during the past season, and got 8 more falls thau he haa hairs on his liead, and ^ot himself stuck su full of slivers that he wears througn his clothes like a nutmeg grater, calls himself a "hard riuker," and consequently he is haunt- ed by traveling agaats of temperance so- cieties. John Thompson, of Mmoatine, ran away from home with a circuji tlirec years ago, and now he is poste I na the bill b »j,rds of nis nf*- tive town as "Giovanni Tioinpeonatti, the inimitable and im ipproachableCrVund Doubla Flying rrapeze and i'nilo Protean Prestidigita- teurean Acnleto-Acrobat." Oh, why should che spirit of laortal be proud? A-VOfHER "wild boy" has mid« his start- ling a id erratic aupearance iu Texas, but sinje the fact has become generally kuowii cnat the tirst time a stranger takes a drink of ; L'ex iS whiskey he goes out on the prairie and looks for a clean plaje to have a tit, public oou« d leaje iu Texas " wild boys" has been sadly stiakea. . The French kcow how to oook aa eg^ thrjd hun Irjd atil sixtv-live did'^ranb w tys, aa I yet, if it is a little bilious to begin With, cue stroiigeic uoinoinasiou of all*t.hdje ways woa'b make » vwr/iaggy e^.of it .. 3H1 MMO» ere married in rs acfo, and now CU8 to see them each other with la Couuty, have 1,696 pieces, aiii a if anybody in iaven't anythiiii; le quilt line, but ,<htli-strcet, fel! leading dowu tu and ran 10,07 and lega, and a i tn h«i got up you ■3 are discuMiDg as Marry ? We ee why a oousin airry as a brother r. They all get | irry, anyhow. eldest son of the a pilgrimage to le Mohatnmedau is customary for a pilgrimage tj milking dme. a a mouoiu^uiac )3,aud who speut during the past lid thau he has limself stuck so 'ears througti his r, calls himself a iiitly he i4 haunt- temperance 80- ratine, ran away DC yeard ago, and b )j.i-dd of his DA* ioinpeunatti, the 9lti (jrVMiul Double tetin Prestidi^jita- Oh, yfhy should I? mide his st^rfc- in Texai, but generally kuown .' taktis a drink of n the prairie and 3 a tit, public uoa> i" has been aadly to cook an egg I diil'jrdub w^ys, ij to bu^iu With, »f alt*cheje ways ,.of tt. V