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 ROB 
 
ROBERTSON'S CHEAP SERIES. 
 
 POraUR READING AT POPUUR PRICES. 
 
 THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 OF 
 
 THE MUSTACHE; 
 
 AND OTHER 
 
 "HAWK-EYETEMS." 
 
 BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE 
 
 The Humorist ot the " Burllugton Hawkeje." 
 
 AMERICAN EDITION. $200, 
 
 ROBERTSON'S EDITION - FIFTEEN CENTS. 
 
 COMt'I^K'^rK. 
 
 TOROMTO : 
 
 J. Boftb RoBiBTBON, 67 Yoxaie Snasaa, 
 1877. 
 
 y 
 
 • I 
 

 *} n 
 
 2V9286 
 
 P K E F A C: E 
 
 To llw Aiiifvican Edition. 
 
 The appearance of a new book is an inuic.ition tluit anotlier man liarj 
 found a mission, has entej'td ujion tlie peiformaiice of a lofty uuty, actuated 
 only by the noblest impulses that can spur tiie sou) of man to action, k. 
 is the proudest boast of tlie profession of literature, that no man ever 
 published a book for selHsh purposes or with ignoble aim. Books have been 
 published for the consolation of the distressed ; for the guidance of tlie 
 wandering ; for the relief of the destitute ; for tlie hope of the penitent ; for 
 uplifting the burdened soul above its sorrows and fears ; for the general 
 amelioration of the condition of \ ill mankind ; for the right against the 
 wrong ; for the good against the bad ; for the t'uth. This book is publislied 
 for two dollars per volume. 
 
 R. J. B. 
 
THE RISE AND FALL OE THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 We open our eyes in thi.s liTing world | to the quiet, happy, care-free, independent 
 around us, in a wonder land, peopled with life of a jocuud farmer, with nothiiii,' aiider 
 
 dreams, and L:."'' 'tetl with wonderful shapis; 
 ajitl every day dawns upon us in a medley 
 of new marvels. We are awakened from 
 these ilreams by conract with Hard, stub- ; 
 born facts, not rudely and h.irslily, but i 
 gradually and ienileily. So much tliat i.s 
 bri;^iit and beautiful, aiul lull of romance 
 ami vv(tnder, passes away with the earlier 
 
 wheat 
 wheat. 
 
 years of lite, that by the lime we are able to i didn't know 
 earn our tirst .salary we hold ni our hands ' " 
 only the crumpled, witiiered leaves of child- 
 hood's simple crec(ls and loving superstitions. 
 Year after year, the iconoclastic haiul of 
 earnest, real lito, tears from the lofty pe- I 
 destals upon which our loving fancy had i 
 ensiiriued them, the gods of gold that 
 crumble into worthless clay at our feet. 
 We live to lose faith, at last, in "Puss in 
 Boots ;" we cease to weep over the sad 
 tragedy of "(Jock llobin;" there comes a 
 time when we can read "Arabian Nights," 
 
 the canopy to molest or make tiun afraid, 
 with everv thing on tiie ])laiitatioii going on 
 sniDothiy and lovelily, with a little rust in 
 the oats; army worm in the (;orn; (.'olorado 
 beetles swarming up anil dwwu tlu; potato 
 patcli; cutworms lay ing waste the curundu^rs; 
 curculio in the [ilums and borers in the 
 apple trees; a new kii'd of luiii that he 
 
 the name uf, dosdiatiiig the 
 iilds; dry weather burning up the 
 Wet weather blighting the corn; too 
 cold for the nieloiiS, tmi dreadfully hot lor 
 the strawberries; chickens dying wiih the 
 pip; hogs Iteing fathered to their fathers 
 with the cholera; slieep failing away with a 
 complication of things that no man could 
 remember ; horses g.tting ah)ng as well 
 as c(«uld be expected, with a little 
 spavin, ring bone, wolf teeth, dis- 
 temper, heaves, blind stiiggers, collar chafe.=i, 
 saddle galls, colic now and then, founder 
 
 and then go to bed without a tremor; with occisionally, epizootic when there was noth- 
 one heart-breaking pang at last we give up j ing else ; cattle going wild with the horn ail ; 
 darling "Jack the Giant Killer," and ac- moth in the bee hives ; snakes in the milk 
 knowledge him to be the fraud he stands i house ; moles in the kitchen garden — Adam 
 confessed; it is not long after that we learn | had just about got through breaking wild 
 to look upon William Tell as a national , land with a crooked stick, and settled down 
 myth, and then we come to know, in spite comfortably, when the sound of the boy was 
 of all that orthodox theology has taught us heard in the land. 
 
 to the contrary, that Adam was not the first [ Did it ever occur to yon that Adam was 
 man — that raised a mustache. Adam was | probably the most troubled and won ied i.ian 
 too old — vhen he was born — to care very j that ever lived ? We have alv\ ays pictured 
 much about what our fU'ander and more Adam as a care-worn looking man ; ajiuzzled 
 gradually developed civilization considcis looking granger who would sigh fifty times a 
 the crowning facial ornament. And after j day, ami sit down on a log aiui run ids 
 
 his natural human idleness got him into 
 perfectly natural human trouble, he was 
 kept too l)usy raising srmethiiig t()|)iit uniler 
 his lip, to think much about what grew 
 above it. If Atlam wore a mustache, he 
 uevei' raised it. It raised itself. It evolved 
 itself out of its own inner consciou^ner.s, 
 like a primordial germ. It grew, like the 
 weeds on his farm, in spite of him, and to 
 torment him. For Adam had hardly got 
 his farm reduced to a ki: d of turbulent, 
 weed-producing, granger Kghting. regular 
 order of things — had scarcely settled down 
 
 II resolute lin^rers tlnouirh his hair while ho 
 wondered wiiat under tlie canopy he was 
 gi'iiig to do with those boyn, and whatever 
 was going to become of them. \\\i have 
 thought too, that as often as our esteemed 
 jiarent asivcd himself this onundrum, he 
 gave it u\). They must have be<ti a source 
 of constant trouble ami mystiiicati(»n to ium. 
 For you see tliey were the first boys that 
 humanity ever had any experience with. .\n(l 
 tliore was no one else in the neighbourhood 
 who had any boy, with wlntni Atlam, in his 
 moments of perplexity, could consult. There 
 
THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 wasn't a boy in the country with whom : 
 Adam's boys were on speaking terms, and i 
 with whom they could piay and tight. Adam, 
 you see, laboured under the most distressing ; 
 disadvantages that ever opposed a marrie<l ' 
 man and the father of a family. He 1 ad I 
 never been a boy himself, and what could he 
 know about boy nature or boy troubles and 
 pleasure ? His perplexity began at an early 
 date. Imagine, if you can, the celerity with : 
 which he kicked ott" tUe leaves, and paced up | 
 and down in the moonlighi; the lirst time : 
 little Cain made the welkin ring when he had ' 
 the colic. How did Adam know what ailed I 
 him ? He couldn't tell Eve that she had 
 been sticking the baiiy full of pins. He | 
 didn't even know enough to turn the vocifer- 
 ous infaut over on his face and jolt him into I 
 serenity. If the fence corners on his farm' 
 had been overgrown with catnip, never an idea ! 
 would Adam have had what to do witli it. It 
 is probable that after he got down on his i 
 knees and felt for snakes or rats in the bed, 
 and thoroughly examined young Cain for [ 
 bites or scratches, he passed him over to Eve I 
 with the usual remark, ' • There, take him 1 
 and huoh him up, for heaven's sake," and 
 went off and sat down under a distant tree 
 with his fingers in his ears, and perplexity in 
 his brain. And young Cain just split the 
 uight with the most hideous howls the little 
 world had ever listened to. It must have 
 stirred the animals up to a degree that no 
 menagerie has ever smce attained. There 
 was no sleep in the vicinity of Eden that 
 night for anybody, baby, beasts or Adam. 
 And it is more than probable that the weeds 
 got along start of A( am the next day, while 
 he lay around in shady places and slept in 
 troubled dozes, disturbed, perhaps by awful 
 visions of possible twins and more colic. 
 
 And when the other boy came along, and 
 the boys got old enough to sleep in a bed by 
 themselves, they had no pillows to tight with, 
 and it is a moral impossibility for two 
 brothers to go to bed without a fracas. And 
 what comfort could two boys get out of pelt- 
 ing each other with fragments of moss or 
 bundles of brush ? What dismal views of 
 future humanity Adam must have received 
 from the glimpses of original sin which began 
 to develop itself in his boys. How he must 
 have wondered what put into their heads the 
 thousand and oiie questions with which they 
 plied their parents day after day. We wonder 
 what he thought when they first began to 
 Btring buckeyes on the cat's tail. And when 
 night came, there was no hired girl to keep the 
 boys quiet by telling them ghost stories, and 
 Adam didn't even know so much as an anec- 
 dote. 
 
 Cain, when he made his appearance, was 
 the first aud only boy in tho fair young 
 
 world. And all his education depended on 
 his inexperienced parents, who had never in 
 their lives seen a boy until theyi saw C.iin. 
 And there wasn't an educ itional help in the 
 market. There wasn't an alphabet block in 
 the county ; not even a ( entonnial illustrated 
 handKerciiief. There were nu othe^ ii^-j^ in 
 the republic to teach y<''n!:, ('aiu to Jic, arjd 
 swear, .niid smoke, Mid drink, fi^lit, aud 
 steal, iUiil thus devel<i[( the b(<y'a doniiiiLit 
 statesmanship" and prepare him for the stfrntr 
 political duties of his nialurcr years. There 
 wasn't a pocket knife in the universe that h« 
 cDuid borrow — and lose, and when he wanted 
 to cut his linger, as all boys nmst do, now 
 aud then, he hail to cut it with a cliim shell. 
 There were no country relalii iis upuii whom 
 little Cain could be iullictcd fur two or three 
 weeks at a time, when Jiis wearied parents 
 wanted a little rest. Tliere ^' is nothing for 
 him to jday wiih. A(l;au ''.luiil.i't sliow him 
 how to make a kite. He hail a much better 
 idea, of angels' wings than he had of a kite. 
 And if little Cain had even asked for such a 
 simple bit of mechanism as a shinny club, 
 Adam would have gone out into the depthi 
 of the primeval forest and wept in sheer mor- 
 tification and helpless, confessed ignorance. 
 I don't wonder that Cain turned out bad. I 
 always said he would. For his entire educa* 
 tion depended upon a most ignorant man, a 
 man in the very palmiest days of his ignor- 
 ance, who couldn't have known kss if he had 
 tried all his life on a high salary and had a 
 man to help him. And the boy's education 
 had to be conducted entirely upon the cate- 
 chetical system ; ouly, in this instance, the 
 boy pupil ask 3d the questions, and his parent 
 teachers, heaven help them, tried to answer 
 them. And they had to answer at them. 
 For they could not take refuge from th« 
 steady stream of questions that poured in 
 upon them day after day, by interpolating a 
 fairy story, ay you do when your boy asks 
 you questions about something of which 
 you never heard. For how could Adam 
 begin, "Once upon a time," when with one 
 quick, incisive question, Cain could pin him 
 right back against the dead wall of creation, 
 and make him either specify exactly what 
 time, or acknowledge the fraud ? How could 
 Eve tell him about "Jack and the bean stalk," 
 when Cain, fairly crazy for some one to play 
 with, knew perfectly well there was not, 
 and never had been, another boy ou the 
 plantation ? And as day by day Cain 
 brought home things in his hands about 
 which to ask questions, that uo mortal could 
 answer, tow (jrateful his bewildered parents 
 j must have been that he bad no pockets in 
 I which to transport his collections. For many 
 I generations came into the fair young world, 
 I got into no end of trouble, aud died out of it, 
 
 before a b 
 to make 
 greater th 
 thatsavei' 
 insanity 
 little Cait 
 ance of th 
 talked to 
 have gon( 
 of the eai 
 look after 
 her boy 
 have bee 
 like a luf 
 Becaus 
 work ai 
 in those 
 was crov 
 by the 
 ingly unf 
 by, prod 
 and Cain 
 pa ! wha 
 to saw 
 Sunday, 
 
OF TflR MUSTACHE. 
 
 inded on 
 never in 
 iw Cain. 
 p iu the 
 block in 
 ustrated 
 ''./■^ la 
 
 t .stfriicr 
 
 before a boy's pocket solved the problem how 
 to make tlie thing coutaiueil seven times 
 greater than the container. Tiie only tiling 
 thatsaved Adam aiid Kvet'iominterrogational 
 insanity was the paucity of language. If 
 little Cain had po3.«iessed the verbal abund- 
 ance of the language in which men are to-day 
 talked to death, his father'.s bald head would 
 have gone down in shining Higlit to the ends 
 of the earth to escape hiiri, leaving Kve to 
 look after the stock, save the croji, and raise 
 her boy as best she could. Which wmild 
 have been, f),0()0 years ago, as to-day, just 
 like a man. 
 
 Because, it was no offhand, absent-minded 
 work answering questions about things | 
 in those spacious old days tIicu there j 
 was crowds of room, and everything grew I 
 by the acre. When a placid, but exceed- : 
 ingly unanimous looking animal went rolling 
 by, producing tlic general cHect of an eclipse, ' 
 and Cain wouM shunt, " Oh, lookee, lookee ] 
 pa ! what's that ?" the patient Adam, trying 
 to saw enou;;li kitchen wood to last over ; 
 Sunday, with a iiiece of flint, would have to 1 
 pause and gather up words enough to say : j 
 
 " That, my son ? That is only a mastodon ! 
 giganteu3 ; he lias a bad look, Init a Chris- ■ 
 tian temi)er. " j 
 
 And then, presently : 
 
 " Oh, pop ! pop ! What's that over yon ?" | 
 
 "Oh, bother," Adam wouM reply; " it's i 
 only a paleotlierium, inauiinalia pachyder- 
 mata. " 
 
 "Oh, yes; theliocomeaftcrus. Oh ! lookeo, 
 lookee at this 'un !" 
 
 " Where, Caimiy ? Oh, that in the mud ? 
 That's only an ace[»halia lamelli branchiata. 
 It won't bite you, but you musii't eat it. It's 
 poison as politics, "' 
 
 " Whee ! See there ! see, see, see I What's 
 him ?" 
 
 "Oh, that? Ijooks like a plesiosaurus ; 
 keep out of his way ; he has a jaw like your 
 mother," 
 
 " Oh yes ; a plenosserus. And what's that 
 fellow, poi>py ?" 
 
 "That's a silurns malapterus. Don't you 
 go near him, for lie lias the disposition of a 
 Ueorgia mule. " 
 
 " Oh, yes ; a Rla])terua. 
 little one ?" 
 
 " Oh, it's nothing but 
 Where did you get it'? 
 throwing stones at that acanthopterygian ; do 
 you want to be kicked? And keep away 
 from the nothodenatrichomanoides. My 
 stars, Eve ! where did he get that anonaceo- 
 hydrocharideo-nymphieoid ? Do you never 
 look after him at all? Here, you Cain, get 
 right away down from there, and chase that 
 megalosauriuH out of the melon patch, or I'll 
 set the monopleuro brauchian on you. " 
 
 And what's this 
 
 an aristolochioid. 
 There now, quit 
 
 Just think of it. Christian man with a 
 family to support, with last year's stock on 
 your slielves, and a draft as long as a clothes- 
 line to pay to-mo./ow ! Think of it, woman 
 with all a woman's love and constancy, and 
 a woman's sympathetic nature, with three 
 meals a day 3().) times a year to think of, 
 and the Hies to chase out of the sitting- 
 room ; think, if your cherub boy was the 
 only boy in the wide wide world, and all his 
 (jucstions whicTi now radiate in a thousand 
 directions auKjng other boys, who tell iiim 
 lies and help him to cut his eye-teeth, were 
 focused upon ! Adam had only one consida- 
 ti(ni that has been denied his more remote 
 descendants. His boy never belonged tt) a 
 base ball club, and never teased his father 
 from tiie first of Xovembcr till the last of 
 March for a pair of skates. 
 
 Well, you have no time to pity .Adam. 
 You have your own boy to loOiC after. Or, 
 your neiglibour has a boy, whom you can 
 look after much more closely than his 
 mother does, and much more to your own 
 satisfaction than to the boy's comfort. Your 
 l,>oy is, as Adam's boy was, an animal that 
 asks questions. If there were any truth in 
 the ol I theory of the transmigration of souls, 
 when a boy dieil he would ])ass into an inter- 
 rogation point. And he'd stay there. He'd 
 never get out of it ; for he never gets through 
 asking questions. The older he grows the 
 more he asks, and the more perplexing his 
 questions are, and the more unreasonable 
 he is about wanting them answered to su't 
 himself. Why, the oldest boy I ever knew — 
 he was fifty-seven years old, and I went to 
 school to him — could and did ask the longtst, 
 hardest, crookedest questions, that no 
 fellow, who used to trade of all 
 his boolis for a pair of skates 
 and a knife with a corkscrew in 
 t, could answer. And when his questions 
 were not answered to suit him, it was his 
 custom — a custom more honoured iu the 
 ; bree dies, we used to think, than in the ob- 
 i Ecrvance — to take up a long, slender, but 
 I exceedingly tenacious rod, which lay ever 
 • near the big dictionary, and smite with it 
 I the boy whose naturally derived Adamic ig- 
 j uorancc was made manifest. Ah me, if the 
 I boy could only do as he is done by, and fer- 
 I ule the man or woman who fails to reply to 
 : his inquiries, as he is himself corrected for 
 j similar ahortcomitigs, what a valley of tears, 
 what a literally howling wilderness he could 
 and would make of this world. 
 
 Your boy, asking to-day pretty much the 
 same questions, with heaven knows how 
 many additional ones, that Adam's boy did, 
 is told every time he asks one that you don't 
 know anything about, just as Adam told 
 Cain fifty times a day, that he will know all 
 
THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 about it when he in a mean. And so from | sends the entire family to the cemetery hy 
 the (lays of Cain down to the present wick- ! making practical tests of his teas, 
 eder generation of boys, the boy ever looks I And as hia knowledge broadens, 
 forward to the time when he will be a man ' his human superstition develops 
 
 .and know everything. That happy, far | itself. He has a formula, repeat- 
 away, omniscient, unattainable )nanhood, j iny which nine times a daj', wlii!e pointing 
 which never comes to your iioy ; which his finger fixedly toward the sun, will cause 
 would never come to him if he lived a ! warts to dinappear from the hand, or, to use 
 tliou.sand years; manliood, that like boy- 1 his own expression, will " knock warts." If 
 hood, evtr looks forward from day to day to ; the eight day clock at home tells liim it is 
 the morrow ; still peering into the future for ' two o'clock, and the Hying leaves of the dan- 
 brighter light and broader knowledge : day ' deliou declare it is half-past Hve, he will 
 after day, as its world opens I.efore it, ' stanil or fall with the dandel on. He has u 
 stundding up<m ever new and unsolred inys- foi mula, V)y which any thing that has been 
 terit-s ; manhood, wliose wis loui is folly and lost may be found. He has, above all things, 
 whose light is often darkness, and whose a natural, infallible instinct for the woods, 
 knowledge Is .selrishness ; manhood, that so : and can no more l)e lost in them than a squir- 
 often looks over its shoulder and glances j rel. If the cow does not come home — and if 
 back toward loyliood, wli^n its knowleilge i she is a town cow, like a town man, she does 
 was at least always e(pial to its day ; man- not come home tliree nights in the week — 
 hood, that a'tcr groping for years through ! you loose half a day of valuable time looking 
 tangled labyrinths of failing human tlieories , for her. Then you pay a man three d(dlars 
 and tottering human wisdom, at last only 1 to look for lier two d.-ij's longer, or so long as 
 rises to the sublimity of childhood, only , the apjjropriation holds out. Finally, a 
 reuchcs'the grandeur of boyhood, and acce])t3 ' quarter sends a boy to the woods ; he comes 
 the grandest, eternal truths of the universe, back at milking time, whistling the tune 
 truths that it does not comprehend, truths ; that no man ever imitated, and the cow am- 
 that it cannot, by searching, lind out, ac- \ bles contentedly along before him. He has 
 cepting and believing them with the . iniple, one particular marble which he regards with 
 umjuestioning faith of childhood in Truth , about the same superstitious reverence that 
 itself. I a pagan does his idol, and his Sunday-school 
 
 An i now, your boy, not entirely ceasing i teacher can't drrve it out of him, either, 
 to ask questions, begins to answer them, un- , Carnelian, crystal, bull's eye, china, pottery, 
 til you stand amazed at the breadth and : boly. blood alley, or coinmie, whatever he 
 depth of his knowh dge. He asks questions I may call it, there is " luck in it." When he 
 and gets answers of teachers that you and | loses this marble, he sees panic and bank- 
 the school liomd know nothing of. Day by ! ruptcy ahead of him, an<l retires from busi- 
 
 day, great unprip.tcd books, upon the broad 
 pages of M Inch the hand of nature has traced 
 characters that only a boj' can read, are 
 
 ness prudently, before the crash comes, fail- 
 ing, in the true centennial style, with both 
 pockets and a cigar box full of winnings, and 
 
 sinead out betorc him. He knows now | a creditors' meeting in aback room. A Ixiy's 
 where the (irst snov,--drop lifts its tiny head. | world is o]ien to no one but a boy. You 
 a pearl on the bottom of the liarreii eait'i, in i never really revisit the glimpses of yi.ur boy- 
 the iSpriiig; he kiiovs where the last Indian ! liood, much as you dream of it. After you 
 
 i)iiik lingers, a fl.urie in the brown and ruist- i get into a tail coat, and tipht Vxiots, you never 
 ing woods, in the autuiiin dajs. His pock-j again set foot in boy v\or]d. 'Sou lose this 
 ets arc cabir.ets, from wliieli hi: drag.s cnrious ■ marvellous instinct for t!ic woods, you can't 
 fossils tiiat he does not knov,' tlie names of; | tell a ]ii>j:-nut tree fn-r.) a pec:ui tree ; you 
 monstrous and hideous beetles and bugs and 
 
 things that j'ou never saw before, and for 
 which he h: s apjTojriate names of hisov.;:^ 
 He hiiows where there are three oriel s 
 iiosts, and so far as you t\'vn rem em 1 '■;■•. you 
 never s;iw an oriole's nest in your life. He 
 can tell yon liow to distinguish tlie good 
 mushrooms from the poisonous one**, and 
 ])oiRon grapes from good ones, and how he 
 ever round out ex(;ei)t by eating both kinds, 
 is a inysteiy to hi^ motiier. Every root, 
 T)U<1, betrv ir baric, that will make any Itit- 
 ter, horrible, semi-]joi8onous tea, rejnited to 
 have marvellous medii'inal virtues, he knows 
 where to find, and brings home, and all but 
 
 can't make friends with strange dogs ; you 
 can't mnketlicterriHcnoises with your mouth, 
 you can't invent the inimitable signals or the 
 characteristic catehwords of boyhood. 
 
 He is getting on, is your boy. He reaches 
 the dime novel uge. He wants to lie a mis- 
 sionary. Or a'pii'ate. So fai- as he expresses 
 any i)refeiei)ce, he would rather be a pirate, 
 an occujiation in which there are more chances 
 for making money, and fewer o])j)0) tunities 
 for I'eiiiu devoured. He develops a yearning 
 love for school and study about this time, 
 also, and everv time he dreams of being a pi- 
 rate he dreams of hanging his dear teacher 
 at the yard arm in the presence of the de- 
 
 
 lightetl sc 
 more rapi' 
 In the } 
 street, ar 
 is a patch 
 his neck < 
 to drown 
 He whisp 
 dinary, c 
 He excha 
 his father 
 liviu'g in t 
 teresting 
 mediate 
 satisfai'ti 
 less d'sn 
 hatred f 
 walking 
 feet nevi 
 and his I 
 using it ; 
 the othe 
 less habi 
 water pi 
 the saint 
 the drye 
 manages 
 the car] 
 door m; 
 years ol 
 a scrapt 
 time, \k 
 out mys 
 of the w 
 larity, a 
 tidence, 
 buy hiii 
 hat in 
 than lit 
 it up tl 
 the cro 
 hat rac 
 son Cr 
 make 
 harder 
 casion, 
 shelve 
 itself, 
 water 
 of me 
 he giv 
 When 
 clotht 
 cause 
 philoi 
 rrof. 
 Becai 
 see T 
 cing 
 link, 
 are 
 wait 
 fort 
 
OF THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 etery by lighted SL-holars. His voice develops, even 
 more rapiilly and thorouirhly than his morals, 
 roadens, In the jard, on the houae too, down the 
 
 develops street, around the corner ; wherever there 
 
 repeat- is a patch of i ; big enough for him to breaii 
 
 pointing his neck on, or a pond of water »leep enough 
 
 ill cause to drown in, the voice of ymir boy is heard. 
 
 )r, to use He whispers in a shout, and converses, in or- 1 
 
 '.rts. ■' Ff dinary, confiilential moments, in a shriek. ! 
 
 him ii is He exchan,L;ea bits of back-fenee gossip about I 
 
 the dan- his father s domestic matters witli the boy : 
 
 he will living in the a'ljaieufc township, to which in- j 
 
 Je lias a teresting revelations of home life the inter- 1 
 
 las been mediate neighl)ourhood listens with inten.se | 
 
 1 things, satisfaction, and the two home circles in help- | 
 
 e woods, less dismay. He has an unconqueralde | 
 
 a squir- hatred f >r company, and an aversion for 
 
 e — and if walking dawn stairs. For a year or two his ! 
 
 she does feet never touch the stairway in hisdescent, | 
 
 week — and his habit of polishing t lie stair rail by ; 
 
 e looking using it as a passenger tramway, soon breaks ■ 
 
 e dollars the other members of the family of the care- | 
 
 less habit of setting the hall lamp or the ; 
 water pitcher on the baUister post. He wears ! 
 the same sized boots as his father ; ynd on i 
 the dryest, <lustiest days in the year, always j 
 manages to convey some mud on ' 
 the carpets. He carefully steps over the | 
 door mat, and until he is about seventeen j 
 years old, he actually never knew there was 
 a scraper at the front porch. About this 
 time, bold but inartistic pencil sketches break 
 out mysteriously on the alluring back ground 
 of the w 11 paper. He asks, with great regu- 
 larity, alarming frequency, and growing dif- 
 lidence, for j, new hat. You might as well 
 buy him a new dispositi(m. He wears his 
 hat in the air and on the ground far more 
 than he does on his head, and he never hang? 
 it up that he doesn't pull the hook through 
 the crown ; unless the hook breaks off or the 
 hat rack pulls over. Ho is a perfect Robin- 
 son Crusoe in inventive genius. He can 
 make a kite that will lly higher and pull 
 harder than a biilloon. He can, and, on oc- 
 casion, will, lake out a couple of the pantry 
 shelves and make a sled that i.s amazement 
 itself. The mouse-trap he builds out of the 
 water pitcher and tliefan jly bible is a marvel 
 of meciiaiiic.il ingenuity tSo is the excuse 
 he gives for such a sele(.:tii ii of raw niaterial. 
 When suddenly, some Monday morning, tho 
 clothes line, \\itliout any just or appaiciit 
 cause or provocation, shrinks sixteen feet, 
 philosophy can not lu.vke yon believe that 
 Prof. Tice' did it with his little barometer. 
 Because, far down the dusty street, you can 
 see T(nn in the dim ilistance, driving a pran- 
 cing team, six-in-luvnd, with the missing 
 link. You send him on an errand. There 
 are three ladies in the parlour. Yon have 
 waited, as long as you can, in all courtesy, 
 for them to go. They iiave develoijed alarm- 
 
 ing symptoms of staying to tea. And you 
 knew there aren't half enough strawberries 
 to go around. It is only three minutes' walk 
 to the grocery, however, and Tom sets off 
 like a rocket, and you are so pleased with 
 his celerity and ready good nature that you 
 want to run after him and kiss him. He is 
 gone a long time, however. Ten minutes be- 
 come fifteen, fifteen grow into twenty ; the 
 twenty swell into the half hour, and your 
 guests exchange very significant glances as 
 the half becomes three-quarters. Your boy 
 returns at la.st. Apiirehension in his down- 
 cast eyes, humi'ity in his laggard step, peni- 
 tence in the appealing slouch of his battered 
 hat, and a pound and a half of shingle nails 
 in his liands. "Mother," he says, "what 
 else was it you told me to get besides the 
 nails '( ' And while you are counting your 
 scanty store of berries to make them go 
 round without a fraction, you hear Tom out 
 in the back yard whistling and hammering 
 away, building a dog houae with the nails 
 you never told him to get. 
 
 Poor Tom, he loves at this age quite as ar- 
 dently as he makes mistakes and mischief. 
 And ho is repulsed quite as ardently as he 
 makes love. If he hugs his sister, he musses 
 her rufHe, and gets cuffed for it. Two hi ura 
 later, another boy, not more than twenty- 
 two or twenty-three years older than Tom, 
 some neighbour's Tom, will come in, and will 
 just make the most hopeless, terrible, chaotic 
 wreck of that ruffle that lace or footing can 
 be distorted into. And the only reproof he 
 gets is the reproachful murmur," Must he go 
 so soon ? ' when he doesn't make a movement 
 to go until he hears the alarm clock go off up 
 stairs and the old gentleman in the adjoining 
 room banging around building the morning 
 tires, and loudly wondering if young Mr. 
 Bostwick is going to stay to breakfast ? 
 
 Tom is at this age set in deadly enmity 
 against company, \vhich he soons learns tore- 
 garn as his mortal foe. He regards con-pany 
 , as a mysterious and eminently respectful 
 I delegation that always stays to di::uer, 
 i invariably crowds liitn to the second table, 
 I never leaves him any of the pie, 
 I aiid generally makes him late for 
 1 tichool. Naturally, he learns to h)ve refined 
 society, but in a conservative, nun-commit- 
 tal sort of a way, dissembling his love so 
 eliectually that even his parents never dream 
 of its existence until it is gone. 
 
 P(.>or Turn, his life is not all comedy at 
 this period. Go up to your boy's room some 
 night, and his sleeping face will preach yon 
 a sermon on the griefs and troubles that 
 sometimes weigh his little heart down almost 
 to breaking, more eloquently than the lips 
 of a Spufgeou could picture them. The cur- 
 tain has fallen on one day's act in the uiama 
 
THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 of his active little life. The resUess little 
 feet that all day long have pattered ao far — 
 down diifity streetH, over scorching pave- 
 ments, tlirough long stretches of quiet 
 wooded lanes, along the winding cattle paths 
 in the derp. .silent wood.s ; that have dahhled 
 in the cool brook.s where it wrangles and 
 scolds over tlie shining pebbles, that have 
 filled your house with noise and dust and 
 racket, ^are still. The stained hand outside 
 the sheet is soileil and rough, and the cut 
 finger with the rude bandage of the boy's 
 own surgery, pleads with a mute, effective 
 pathos of its own, for the mischievous hand 
 that is never idle. On the brown cheek the 
 trace of a tear marks the piteous close of the 
 day's troubles, the closing scene in the 
 troubled drama ; trouble at school with 
 books that were too many for him ; trouble 
 with temptations to have unlawful fun that 
 were too strong for him, as they are fre- 
 quently too strong for his father ; trouble in 
 the street with ])oys that were too big for 
 him ; and at iant, in his home, in his castle, 
 his refuae, trouble has pursued him until, 
 feeling ut^erlj* friendless and in everybody's 
 way, he lias crawled off to the dismantled 
 den, dignified by the title of "the boy's 
 room," and liis over-charged heart has welled 
 up into his eyes, and his last waking breath 
 has broken into a sol), and just as he begins 
 to think that after all, life is only one broad 
 sea ot troubles, whose restless billows, in 
 never-ending succession, break and beat and 
 double and dash upon the short shore line of 
 a boy's life, he has drifted away into the 
 wonderland of a boy's sleep, where fairy fin- 
 gers picture his dreams. How soundly, 
 deeply, peacefully he sleeps. No' mother 
 who has never dragged a sleepy boy ott" the 
 lounge at 9 o'clock, and hauled him off up 
 stairs to bed, can know with what a hercu- 
 lean grip a square sleep takes hold of a boy's 
 senses, nor how fearfully and wonderfully 
 limp and nerveless it makes him ; nor how, 
 in direct antagonism to all established laws 
 of anatomy, it deveiops'i joints that work 
 both ways, all the way up and down that 
 boy. And what pen can portray the wonder- 
 ful enchantment of a boy's dreamland ! No 
 marvellous visions wrought by the weird, 
 strange power of hasheesh, no dreams that 
 come to the sleep of jaded woman or tired 
 man, no ghastly spectres that dance atten- 
 dance upon cold mince pie, but shrink into 
 tiresome, stale, and tiifling commonplaces 
 compared with the marvellous, the grotesque, 
 the wonderful, the terrible, the beautiful and 
 the enchanting scenes and people of a boy's 
 dreamland. "This may be owing, in a gi-eat 
 measure, to the fact that the boy never 
 relates his dream until all the other members 
 of the family have related theirs ; and^then he 
 
 comes in, like a back country, with the ne- 
 cessary majority ; like the directory of a 
 western city, following the census of a rival 
 town. 
 
 Tom is a miniature Ishmaelite at this 
 period of his career. His hand is against 
 every man, and about every man's hand, and 
 nearly every woman's hand, is against him, 
 ofl[" and on. Often, and then the iron enters 
 his soul, the hand that is .against him holds 
 the slipper. He wears his mother's 
 slipper on his jncket quite as often as 
 she wears it on her foot. And this is all 
 wrong, unchristian and unpolitic. It spreads 
 the slipper and discoaroges the boy. When 
 he reads in his Sunday-school lesson that the 
 wicked stand on slippery places, he takes it 
 as a direct personal reference, and he is af- 
 fronted, and maybe the seeds of atheism are 
 implanted in his breast. Moreover, this re- 
 peated application of the slipper not only 
 sours his temper, and gives a bias to his 
 moral ideas, but it sharpens his wits. How 
 many a Christian mother, her soft eyes 
 swimmin|2 in tears of real jjain that plashed 
 up from the depths of a loving heart, as she 
 bent over her wayward boy until his heart- 
 rending wails and piteous shrieks drowned 
 her own choking sympathetic sobs, has been 
 wasting her strength, and wearing out a 
 good slipper, and pouring our all that price- 
 less riood of mother love and duty and pity 
 and tender sympathy upon a concealed atlas- 
 back, or a Saginaw shingle. 
 
 It is a historical fact that no boy is ever 
 whipped twice for precisely the same offence. 
 He varies and improves a little on every rep- 
 etition of the prank, until at last he reaches 
 a point where detection is almost impossible. 
 He is a big boy then, and glides almost im- 
 perceptibly from the discipline of his father, 
 under the surveillance of the police. 
 
 By easy stages he passes into the uncom- 
 fortable period of boyhood. His jacket de- 
 velops into a tail-coat. The boy of to-day, 
 who is slipped into a hollow, unabbreviated 
 mocker> of a tail-coat, when he is taken out 
 of long dresses, has no idea — not the faintest 
 conception ( f the grandeur, the momentous 
 importance of the epoch in a boy's life that 
 was marked by the transition from the old- 
 fashioned cadet roundabout to the tail-coat, 
 it is an experience that heaven, ever chary 
 of its choicest blessings, and mindful of the 
 decadence of the race of boys, has not vouch- 
 safed to the untoward, forsaken boys of this 
 wicked generation. When the roundabout 
 went out of fashion, the heroic race of boya 
 passed away from earth, and weeping nature 
 sobbed and broke the moulds. "The fashion 
 that started a boy of six years on his pil- 
 grimage of life iu a miniature edition of his 
 father s coat, marked » period of retrogrea- 
 
 II. 
 
OF THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 9 
 
 th the ne- 
 
 ctory of a 
 
 of a rival 
 
 e at this 
 is against 
 hand, and 
 ainst him, 
 iron enters 
 him liolds 
 mother's 
 often as 
 this is all 
 It spreads 
 y. When 
 n that the 
 le takes it 
 he is af- 
 theism are 
 r, this re- 
 not only 
 ias to his 
 its. How 
 soft eyes 
 ,t plashed 
 irt, as she 
 liis heart- 
 drowned 
 has been 
 ■iiig out a 
 lat price- 
 and pity 
 aled atlas- 
 
 oy is ever 
 le od'ence. 
 3 very rep- 
 le reaches 
 npossible. 
 Imost im- 
 lis father, 
 
 e uncom- 
 acket de- 
 f to-day, 
 breviated 
 iaken out 
 e faintest 
 jmeutous 
 life that 
 1 the old- 
 tail-coat, 
 er chary 
 ul of the 
 )t vouch- 
 es of this 
 [ndabout 
 I of boys 
 g nature 
 i fashion 
 1 his pil- 
 }n of hia 
 itrogrea- 
 
 sion in the aftairs of men, and stamped a de- 
 cayinj^ and dogenerate race. Tliere arc no 
 bo3'3 now, or very few at least, such as peo- 
 pled tlie grand old earth wlien the men of 
 our age wore boys And tliat it is so, socie- 
 ty is to be congratulated. The step from 
 the roundabout to the tail-coat was a leap in 
 life. It was tiie buy lulus, dotting tho /ir<'- 
 tcpjr.ta and flinging upon his slionlderss tlio 
 hji/n viri,ll.-< of .lulius : I'atroclus, donning thi; 
 armour of Achilles, in which to go for'.li and 
 be Hectored to death. 
 
 Tom is slow to realize the grandeur of that 
 tail-coat, liowcver, on its trial trip. How 
 differently it fools from his good, snug- fit- 
 ting, comfortable old jacket. It tits him 
 too nuicli in every direction, lie knows. 
 Every now and then he stops, witli a gasj) of 
 terror, feelnig positive, from tlie awful sensa- 
 tion of nothiuL'uess about tiio neck, that the 
 entire collar has fallen otF lu the street. 
 The tails are i)rairio'<, the pockets are cav- 
 erns, and the liack is one vast, illimitable, 
 stretching waste. How Touisiilles along as 
 close to tJH! fence as lie can scrajie, a" 1 what 
 a wary eye he keeps in every direction for 
 other boys. When lie forgets the school, he 
 is half tempted to feel proud of his toga ; but 
 when he thinks of the boys, and the recep- 
 tion that awaits him, his heart sinks, and he 
 is tempted to go l)ack home, squeak tij) stairs, 
 and rescue his worn tdd jacket from the rag- 
 bag. He glances in terror at his distorted 
 shadow on the fence, and, confident 
 that it is a faithfid outline nf 
 his figure, he knows that he h;is 
 worn his father's coat off by mistake. He 
 tries various methods of buttoning his coat, 
 to make it conform nu)re harmoniously to his 
 figure and his ideas of tlie eternal fitness of 
 things. He buttons just the lever 
 button, and immediately it Hies allabroal at 
 the shoulders, and he beholds himself an 
 exaggerated maunikin of "C'ap'n Cuttle." 
 Then he fastens just the upper buttons, and 
 the frantic tails flap and flutter like a clothes- 
 line in a cyclone. Then he buttons it all up, 
 a la militairp, and tries to Iof>k soldierly, but 
 the effect is so theological-studently that it 
 frightens him until his heart stops beating. 
 As he reaches the last friendly corner that 
 shields him from the pitiless gaze of the boys 
 he can hear howling and shrieking not fifty 
 yards away, he pauses to give the final ad- 
 justment to the manly and unmanageable 
 raiment. It is bigger and looser. Happier 
 and wri»klier than ever. New and startling 
 folds, and unexpected wrinkles, and uncon- 
 templated bulges develop themselves, like 
 masked batteries, just when and where their 
 effect will be most demoralizing. And a new 
 horror discloses itself at this trying and awful 
 jancture. He wants to lie down on the side- 
 
 walk and try to die. For the first time he 
 notices the colour of his coat. Hiiicous ! He 
 has b(!en duped, swindled, betrayed - made a 
 monstrous idiot by tliat siIver-tontiiu;d sales- 
 miiu, who iias palmed off upon him a coat 
 2,0()() years old ; a coat that the most 
 sweetly enthusiastic anil terribly niisinforuioil 
 women's missionary society would hesitate to 
 otf'er a wild Hottentot ; ami wtiich tlio most 
 benighted, old-fashioned Hottentot that ever 
 disdained clotlies, would certainly blush to 
 wear in the d;i.rk, and wouhl probably driclino 
 with thanks. Oh madness! 'Lne colour is 
 no coli>ur. It is all cokairs. It is a brindle 
 — a vcritalile, untleniable brindle. 'i'lmro 
 must have been a faViulons auKUUit of brindle 
 cloth made up into boys" first coats, sixteen 
 or eighteen or nineteen years ago ; because, 
 f)ut of S!»4 — I like to bo exact in the use of 
 figures, because nothing else in the world 
 lends such an air of profound truthfulness to 
 a discourse- (Viit of 8'.)4 Iioyu I knew in their 
 lirt^t tail-coat pel iod. 8tl.S c;i;ne to sidiool in 
 brindle coats. And the other one —tlie 804th 
 boy — made his wretciied debut in a bottle- 
 green toga, with dreailful glaring l)rass but- 
 tons. He left school very suddenly, and we 
 always believed tliat the angels saw him in 
 that coat, and ran away with him. But Tom, 
 shivering with apprehension, and faint witii 
 mortiticati(Ui over the discovery of this new 
 horror, gives one lawt despairing si^rooch of 
 his shoulders, to make the coat hiok shorter, 
 and, with a liiial frantic tug at the tails, to 
 make it apjiear longer, steps oat from the 
 protecting' a>gis of tne corner, is stunned with 
 a vocal hurricane of "Oh, what a coat !" and 
 his cup of misery is as full as a rag-bag in 
 three minutes. 
 
 Passing into the tail coat period, Tom 
 awakens to a knowledge of the lu'oad physi- 
 cal truth, that he has hands. He is not very 
 positive in his own mind how many. At 
 times he is ready to swear to an even l.vo ; 
 one pair ; gootl hand. Again, when cruel 
 fate and the liou-appearanco or some one's 
 else brother has conifielled him to accompany 
 his sister to a church sociable, he can see 
 eleven ; and as he sits bolt ujjright in the 
 grimmest of straight-back chairs, plastered 
 right up against the wall, as the "sociable " 
 custom is, or used to be, trying to find 
 enough unoccupied pockets in which to 
 sequester all his hands, he is dimly conscious 
 that hands should come in pairs, and vaguely 
 wonders, if he has only five pair of regularly 
 ordained hands, where this odd hand came 
 from. And hitherto, Tom has been content to 
 encase his feet in anything that would stay 
 on them. Now, however, he has an eye for 
 a glove-fitting boot, and learns to wreathe his 
 face in smiles, hollow, heartless, deceitful 
 smiles, while his boots are as full of agony 
 
10 
 
 THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 &B a broken heart, and his tortured feet cry 
 out for vengeance upon the shoemaker, and 
 make Tom feel that life is a hollow mockery 
 and there is nothing real but soft corns and 
 bunions. 
 
 And : His mother never cuts his hair 
 again. Never. Wlien Tom assumes the 
 manly gown she has looked her last upon his 
 head, with trimming ideas. His hair will he 
 trimmed and clipped, barberously it may be, 
 but she will not be acscissory before the fact. 
 She may sometimes long to have her boy 
 kneel down l)efore her, while she gnaws 
 around his terrified locks with a pair of scis- 
 sors that were sharpened when they were 
 made ; and have since then cut acres of 
 calico, and miles and miles of paper, and 
 great stretches of cloth, and snarls and coils 
 of string ; and furlongs of lamp wick ; and 
 have suutfed caudles ; and dug refractory 
 corks out of the family ink bottle; and 
 punched holes in skate straps ; and trimmed 
 the family nails ; and have even done their 
 level best, at the annual struggle, to cut 
 stove-pipe lengths in two; and have success 
 fully 0|->ened oyster and fruit cans; and prieo 
 up carpet tacks; and have many a time and 
 oft gone snarlingly and toilsomely around 
 Tom's head, :ind made him an object of 
 terror to tlie children in the street, and made 
 hiiu look so much like a yearling colt with 
 tlie run of a bur pasture, tliat jieople have 
 been afraid to approach him too suddenly, 
 lest he tjl.ould jump through his collar and 
 run away. 
 
 He fee's tor, tlie dawning consciousness of 
 another grand truth in the human economy. 
 It dawns upon his deepening intelligence with 
 the inlierent strength and tlie unquestioned 
 truth of a new revelation, that man's upper 
 li[) was clesigneil by naturo for a niustacho 
 pasture. How tenderly nsscrved ho is wlien 
 he is l)roiiilini|, over this momentousdihcoveiy. 
 With what exquisite caution and delicacy 
 arc his primal iuvcstiLratioiis conducted. In 
 Ins niicroM;(i| io.d resoarcuv:", it a]Hiears In 
 him that tlic down on his upper lip is cer- 
 tainly ninie dettr.nineddown ; more positive, 
 more proiiduiiccil. more iiidivuliiiil fiiz/ than 
 that ^viiich vcLietates in neglected teudtinies.i 
 upon liis cht'Dlvs. iliMuakes cautious explor- 
 ations ailing the land of promise with tiie tip 
 of iii.s L"nderes linger, delicately l)acking up 
 the grade the wrong wny, going always 
 a^'ain>t the grain, that he may the more 
 readily detect the slightest symptom of an 
 uprising ))y the linst feeling of velvet} re- 
 siataiuje. Ami day by day lie is more and 
 more lirmly ciuivincod tliat there isin his li|>, 
 the primordial germs, the [)rotophism of a 
 gicuy that will, in its full devilopment, 
 eclipse even the majesty and grandeur of hia 
 
 first tail eoat. And in the first dawning 
 consciousness that the mustache is there, lik« 
 the vote, ami only needs to be brought out, 
 how often Tom walks down to the baiber 
 shop, gazes longingly in at the window, and 
 walks past. And how often, when he 
 musters up sufficient courage to go in, and 
 climbs into the chair, and is just on the 
 point oi huskily whispering to the barber 
 that he would like a shave, the entrance of a 
 man with a beard like Frederick Barbarossa, 
 frightens away his resolution, and he has his 
 hair cut again. The third time that week, 
 and it is so short that the barber has 
 to hole' it with his teeth while he files 
 it off, and parts it with a straight 
 edge and a scratch awl. Naturally driven 
 from the barber chair, Tom casts longing eyes 
 upon the ancestral shaving machinery at 
 home. And whi> shall say by what means 
 he at length obtains possession of the pater- 
 nal razor? No one. Nobody knows. No- 
 body ever did know. Even the searching 
 investigation that always follows the paternal 
 demand for the immetliate extradition of 
 whoever opened a fruit can with tliat razor, 
 which always fullows Tom's iirst shave, is 
 always, and ever will be, barren of results, 
 All that we know about it is, that Tom holds 
 the razor in his hand about a minute, won- 
 dering what to do with it, before ilie blade 
 falls across his lingers and cuts every one of 
 them. First blood claimed and allowed, for 
 the lazor. Then he straps the razor furiously. 
 Or rather, he razors the strap. He slashes 
 and cuts that pas'sive implement in as many 
 directions as he can make motions with t!ie 
 razor. He would cut it oftener if the strap 
 lasted longer. Then he nicks the razor 
 against the side of the mug. Tlien he drops 
 it on the floor and steps on it and nicks it 
 again. They are small nicks, not ho large by 
 half as a saw tooth, and he ilatters iniiisclf 
 his father will never see thoiu. Thtn ho 
 soaks the razor in hot vvatfr, as he has seen 
 his father do. Then he takes it our, at a 
 ti'inperature anyvvlicre under 980 - I'alin'u- 
 I heit, and lays ic aiiainst his tdicck. and raises 
 a Ijli.'vtor there tin? size of the razor, as he 
 never .saw his father do, but aa 'lis father 
 I most assniedly di ', many, many yrars liefnro 
 Tom met him. Then he made a variety of 
 indcscriltable i.;riniac<s and laltial contortions 
 iu a frcnzieil t^trort to get hi* upjier lij) into 
 approachable shape, and at last, the (bst of- 
 fer he makes at his embryo mustache, he 
 slashes his nope w ith a vigorous uoper cut. 
 He gashes the corners of liismontli ; wliere- 
 es'cr those nicks touch his clicelc they leave 
 a scratch apiece, and he hams what a good 
 nick in a raifor is for, and at last when he 
 liys the lOood stained weajxmdoM'n. his gory 
 li[) looks as though it liad just come out of a 
 
OF THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 II 
 
 ; dawning 
 
 there, lika 
 
 )iij;ht out, 
 
 ihe haiber 
 
 idow, and 
 
 when he 
 
 |o in, and 
 
 Lst on the 
 
 the bather 
 
 tniiiee of a 
 
 {arliiirossa, 
 
 he has !iis 
 
 thiit week, 
 
 )arber has 
 
 le he files 
 
 straight 
 
 illy driven 
 
 jiigingeyes 
 
 hinery at 
 
 hat means 
 
 the pater- 
 
 lows. No- 
 
 e searching 
 
 he paternal 
 
 riiditiou of 
 
 tliat razor, 
 
 st shave, is 
 
 1 of results, 
 
 Tom holds 
 
 innte, won- 
 
 e ihe blade 
 
 jvery one of 
 
 allowed, for 
 
 )r furiously. 
 
 He slashes 
 
 in as many 
 
 ma with tl-.e 
 
 if the strap 
 
 the razor 
 
 len he drops 
 
 .nd nicks it 
 
 1 so lnri;e by 
 
 ters iiiiiiself 
 
 . Thrn ho 
 
 he lins seen 
 
 it our, at a 
 
 )- Kahrcn- 
 
 V. 'Mul laises 
 
 •azor, ;is he 
 
 s 'lis father 
 
 yfars liefuro 
 
 n v:iricty of 
 
 contortions 
 
 ipiT lip into 
 
 Ihe first, of- 
 
 lUi^t.'ifhe, he 
 
 niiper cut. 
 
 ifh ; where- 
 
 k they leave 
 
 N'hat a good 
 
 Mst when he 
 
 iwn, his gory 
 
 onie out of a 
 
 long, stubborn, exciting contest with a straw roots, and will know just as much as ignorant, 
 cutter. untaught, 'stupid little Cain knew on the 
 
 But he learns to shave, after a while— just same subject, Vcaj- after year, century after 
 before he cuts his lip clear off. He has to unfolding century, how true it is that the 
 take quite a course of instruction, however, lion on the fence is always bigj.'er, ticicer, 
 in that great school of expcriem e about ' and more given to majestic attUudes and 
 which the old philosopher hud a remark to dniniutic situations than the lion in the tent, 
 make. It is a grand old school; the only j And yet it costs us, often as the circu.s comes 
 school aD which men will study and learn, L-iniMnd, tifty ctyits to find that out. 
 each for himself. One man's expenencel But while we have been moralizing, Tom's 
 never does another man any good; never | mustache has taken a start. It has attained 
 did and never will teach auLchtr man any- i the nhvsii;al density, though not tlie colour, 
 thing. If the philosopher had said it was a | by any means, of the Egyptian daikness— 
 hard school, but t.hat .^onie men would learn j it '-an be felt; and it is felt ; very s- oft felt. 
 atno other than this graml old school of ex- ! The world begins to ake notice ot the new- 
 pcience, we might have inferred that all i comer ; and Toni, as generations of '1 oms be- 
 women, and most l)oys, ami a few men were i fore lam have done, patiently < iidures dark 
 exempt from its hard teachings. fJut he ! hints from other members of the family about 
 used the more comprehensive term, if you re- i his face being dirty- He loftily ignores his 
 member what that is, and took us all in. We I experienced father's suggestions that he 
 have all been there. 'J'liere is no other school, . shnulil perform his tonsorial toilet with a 
 in fact. Poor little t,'ain ; dear, lonesome, | spoonful of cream and the family cat. When 
 wicked little (.'ain — 1 know it isn't fashion- | his sisters, in meekly dissembled ignorance 
 able to pet him : I know it is popular to j and innocence, imjuire, "Tom, what liam 
 8i)eak harshly a:id savagely about our widest ' j'ou on your lip ? " he is austere, as becomes 
 brother, when the fact is we resemble him ! a man annoyed by the frivolous small talk of 
 more closely in disposition than any other ' women. Antl when his younger l>iother 
 member «)f the family— poor little Cain ' takes advantage of the presence of a nu- 
 uever knew the dilference between his i merous company in the house, to shriek over 
 father s sunburned nose and a glowing coal, ] the baluster- up stairs, apparently tn any boy 
 until lie had pulled the one and jiicked nj) ! anywhere this side of China, "'i'om's a raisin' 
 the other. And Abel had to find out thodif- | inustashers ! " Tom smiles, a w.m, neglect- 
 ference in tiie same vay, although he was ' cd-oiphan smile ; a smile that looks as though 
 told five hundred times, Sy his biother's ex- ! it had come up on his taee to weep over the 
 perience, that the coal would burn him and I barrenness of the land ; a perfect ghost of a 
 the nose wouldn't. And Cain's boy wouUln't i smile, as compared with the rugged 7x9 
 believe that fire was any hotter than an i smiles that play like animated crescents over 
 icicle, until he made a digital e.vperiment, ' tlie countenances of the comiuiny. iiut the 
 and understood why tliey called it tire. And ' mustache grows Jt conns on apace ; very 
 80 Enoch and Methuselah, unl Moses, and , short m the middle, very no longer at the 
 Daniel, and Solomon, anil (jesar, and Na- ends, and very blonde all round. Whenever 
 noleon, and Washington, and the you see such a mustache, do noi. lauuh at it ; 
 Vresidcnt, and the C>overiior, and the ilo not point at the slow, iiiimoviii;_' linger of 
 M.iyor, and you and i, have all senrn. I'.rii'uur'age it; speak kindly ot' it; 
 ofn.-^,at orictniKMM' another, in one way or an- allcet admiration forit ; eo.ix italong. I'ray 
 other, burned our tiiijiers at the s;iuic old f')r it-for it is a first. I'hey aiuays come 
 fires thit have -corchcd iiunian lingers in tlu; , that way. And when, in the fulness (f time, 
 same ihO:ioren tea old wa\ s, at the same ee \ it has dcvi'li>ped so f.ir that it can l.t |:iiiled, 
 liable stands, foi' the past (i.OOO years; and there is all the agony of iiiakingittakc cnh. ur. 
 all the veilial mslructi'm between here and It is worse, ;uiil in ire niistniate, ami more 
 the silent Lirave eoiililn't teach \is so iiiuc!], ' dcliliciali! ihan a nieer.- eiiauni. The .sun, 
 or to tea h it so llioioii';ldy, as one well di- i that tans Tom's cheeks ami blisters his nose, 
 rec ted singe. And a millinn nf yuii-. fidm j mily bleaches his mustache. Nothing ever 
 
 no\\ if tliis dr'cary old world may einiure . hasttJns its colour ; nothing dues it any per- 
 
 flo loin.'--wlM!n iuiinau kno\\ ledge shall fall a i nianent good, noihinu but patience, and 
 little shoit .)f 1 lu' inlinit(!, and all the lore 1 faith, ami persistent (nillinn. 
 and erudition of this wonderful age will be With all tlic comedy liiei'e is aimut it, how- 
 but tlie primer of that day of lii.dit - the haby evur, ios is the grand period ot a I'oy s life, 
 that is bjirn into the \,'oi)d of knowledge and • Vou Uiok at them, witli their caiele^ss, easy, 
 wisibnn and progress, rich with all the years i natural manners and movements in tin- streets 
 of hunran experience, will cry for the lamj), i and on the base ball grmind, and their mar- 
 aud, the very first time th.it o|ipoitunity fa- : veilous. systematic, indeset iliali'c, inimrtable 
 vours it, will try to pull the llauic up by the i and complex awkwardness in your parlours, 
 
IL 
 
 THE RISE AND FATL 
 
 and do you never dream, looking at those j and France, were boys — schoolboys — the boy 
 young fellows, of the overshadowing : conscripts of France, torn from their homes 
 
 destinies awaiting then>, the mighty strug- 
 gles mapped out in the earnest future 
 of their lives, the thrilling contjucsts 
 in the world of arms, the grander triumplis 
 in the realm of philosophy, the fadeless 
 laurels in the empire of letters, and the im 
 
 and their sciiools to stay the failing fortunes 
 of the last g'-and army and the Empire that 
 was tottering to its fall. You don't know 
 how soon these happy-go-lucky young fellows 
 making summer hideous with base ball slang, 
 or gliding around a skating rink on their 
 
 perishable crowns that he who giveth them |ibacks, may hold the state and its destinies 
 
 the victory binds about their brows, that 
 wait for the courage and ambition of these 
 boys ? Why, the world is at the boy's feet ; 
 and power and conquest and leadership slum- 
 ber in his rugged arms and care-free heart. 
 A boy sets his ambitiim at whatever mark he 
 will — lofty or grovelling, as he may elect— 
 and the boy who resolutely sets his heart on 
 fame, on wealth, on power, on what he will ; 
 who consecrates iiimself to a life of noble en- 
 deavour, and lofty effort ; who concentrates 
 every faculty of his mind and body on the 
 attainment of his one darling point ; who 
 brings to support his ambition courage and 
 industry ami patience, can tramplo on genius; 
 for these are ))etter Hud grander than genius ; 
 and he will l)egin to rise above his fellows as 
 steadily and as surely as the sun climbs above 
 the mountains. Hannilial, standing beforu 
 the Punic aitar tires and in the lisping ac- 
 cents of ctiildhood swearing cteiyial hatred to 
 Rome, was the Hannibal at twenty-four 
 years commandijig the army tliat swept down 
 upon Italy like a mountain torrent, and 
 shook the power of the mistress of the M'orld, 
 bid her detiance at her oNvn gates, while af- 
 frighted Home huddled and cowered under 
 the protecting shadow of her walls. Na- 
 poleon, building snow forts at school aa I 
 planning mimic battles for his pla\fell>wb, 
 was the lieutenant of artillery it sixteen 
 years, general of artillery and the victor of 
 Toulon at twenty-four, and at last Emperor 
 — not by the paltry accident of birth which 
 miglit liappen to any man however unworthy, 
 but by the manhood and grace of his own 
 right arm, and his own brain, and his cour 
 
 age and dauntless ambition — Emperor, with 1 Laura's dress 
 
 in their grasp ; you don't know how soon 
 these boys may make and write the history 
 of the hour ; how soon they alone may shape 
 events and guide the current of public action; 
 how soon ojie of them may run away with 
 your daughter or borrow money of you. 
 
 Certain it is, there is one thing Tom will 
 do, just about this period of his existence. 
 He will fall in love with -somebody before his 
 mustache is long enough to wax. 
 
 Perhaps one of the earliest indications of 
 this event, for it does not always break out 
 in the same manner, is a sudden and alarm- 
 ing increase in the number and variety of 
 Tom's neck-ties. In his boxes and on his 
 dressing case, his mother is ccmstantly start- 
 led by the changing and increasing assort- 
 ment of the display. Monday he en- 
 circles his tender throad with a lilac knot, 
 fearfully and wonderfully tied. A lavender 
 tie succeeds the following day. Wednesday 
 iagraced with a sweet little tangle of pale, pale 
 blue, that fa<les at a breath ; Tiuirsday is 
 ushered in with a scarf of delicate pea green, 
 of wonderful convolutions and sufficiently 
 expansive, by the aid of a clean collar; to 
 conceal any little irregularity in Tom's wash 
 day ; Friday smiles on a sailor's knot of dark 
 blue with a tangle of d duty forget-me-nota 
 embroidered over it ; Saturday tones itself 
 down to a riuiet, unobstrnsive, neutral tint 
 or shade, scarlet or yellow, and Sunday is 
 deeply, darkly, piously black. It isdffiicult 
 to tell whether Tom is trying to express the 
 state of his distracted feelings by his neck- 
 tics, or trying to Hnd a colour that will har- 
 monize Mith his mustache, or match 
 
 
 his foot on the throat of prostrate Europe, 
 Alexander, daring more in his boyhood than 
 his warlike father could teach him, and en- 
 tering upon all his ooviaering career at 
 twenty-four, was the boy v hose vaulting am- 
 bition only paused in its '\itzzling flight when 
 the world lay at his feet. And the fair-faced 
 soldiers of the Empire, they who rode down 
 upon the bayonets of the English squares at 
 Waterloo, when the earth rocked beneath 
 their feet and the incense smoke from the 
 altars of the battle god shut out the sun from 
 the sun al>ove their heails, who, with their 
 young lives streaming from 
 wounds, opened their pallid lips to cry, 
 "Vivo L 'Bmpereur," as they died for^onour 
 
 And (luring the variegated necktie period 
 of man's existence how tenderly that mus- 
 tache is coaxed and petted and caressed. 
 How it is brushed to make it lie down and 
 waxed to make it stand out, and how he 
 notes its slow growth, and weeps and mourns 
 and prays and swears over it day after weary 
 day. And now, if ever, and generally now. 
 he buys things to make it take colour. But 
 he never repeats this offence against nature. 
 He buys a wonderful dye, warranted to 
 "produce a beautiful glosfey black or brown 
 at one application, without stain or injury to 
 their gaping | the skin." Buys it at a little shabby, round 
 the corner, obscure drug store, because he 
 is not known there. And he tells the assas- 
 
 sin who sel 
 for a sick i 
 he lies. .A 
 tude of hii 
 drawn an< 
 \ irtues of 
 fingers and 
 It burns hi 
 tries to rul: 
 lingers. I 
 real camel 
 tenderly, 
 turns his 
 dark. An 
 darkness a 
 every thiuj 
 mustache 
 ghastly hi 
 'moon throi 
 untainted, 
 ble blonde, 
 fools Tom 
 
 The eye 
 faultless c( 
 and sistei 
 shirt in thi 
 that he wo 
 room to be 
 
 And th( 
 Sunday -sc 
 pic-uic or1 
 influx of 1 
 morals ai 
 compare w 
 those bool 
 narrow at 
 the only t 
 fill his vei 
 when Ton 
 somebody 
 or four til 
 atiou wou 
 tranquiliz 
 his startiu 
 rush of in 
 the straps 
 aud puUiu 
 befoie hii 
 head, the 
 off. Thei 
 earth rod 
 he can fi 
 home. A 
 the first t 
 the Chris 
 Or would 
 says. Hi 
 old that 1 
 if it is se 
 up in ag' 
 time he v 
 ho leaves 
 " lixy" lo 
 
OF THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 11^ 
 
 —the boy 
 sir homes 
 : fortunes 
 pire that 
 n't know 
 iR fellows 
 lall slang, 
 on their 
 destiniea 
 how soon 
 history 
 nay shape 
 lie action; 
 vay with 
 J'ou. 
 
 Tom will 
 existence, 
 before his 
 
 cations of 
 break out 
 id alarra- 
 ^ariety of 
 il on his 
 itly start- 
 ng awaort- 
 he en- 
 lac knot, 
 lavender 
 'eduesday 
 f pale, pale 
 mrsday is 
 pea green, 
 ufficiently 
 collar; to 
 om's wash 
 ot of dark 
 it-me-nots 
 )nes itself 
 lutral tint 
 Sunday is 
 isdffiicult 
 xpress the 
 his neck- 
 will har- 
 or match 
 
 itie period 
 that mus- 
 
 caressed. 
 down and 
 d how he 
 nd mourns 
 fter weary 
 'ally now. 
 our. But 
 st nature, 
 rraated to 
 
 or brown 
 r injury to 
 »by, round 
 because he 
 
 the assas- 
 
 sin who sells it to him, that he is buying it 
 for a sick sister. And the assassin knows 
 he lies. And in the guilty silence and soli- 
 tude of his own room, with the curtains 
 drawn and the door locked, Tom tries the 
 \ irtues of that magic dye. It gets on his 
 tingers and turns them black, to the elbow. 
 It burns holes in his handkerchief when he 
 tries to rub the malignant poison otf his ebony 
 tingers. He applies it to his silky mustaolie, 
 real camel's hair, very cautiously and very 
 tenderly, and with some misgivings. It 
 turns his lip so black it makes the room 
 dark. And out of all the clouds ami the 
 darkness and the sable splotches tJiat p;ili 
 every thing else iu I'lutoiiian gloom, that 
 mustache smiles out, grinning like hoiae 
 ghastly hirsute spectre, gleaming like the 
 moon through arilted storm cloud unstained, 
 untainted, unshaded ; a natural, incorrupti- 
 ble bloude. That is the last time anybody 
 fools Tom OH hair dye. 
 
 The eye he has for immaculate linen and 
 faultless collars. How it amazes his mother 
 and sisters to learn that there isn't a 
 shirt in the house fit for a pig to wear, and 
 that he wouldn't wear the best collar in his 
 room to be hanged iu. 
 
 And the boots he crowds bis feet into ! A 
 Sunday -school room, the Sunday before the 
 pic-uic or the Christmas tree, with its sudden 
 influx of new scholars, with irreproachable 
 morals and ambitious appetites, doesn't 
 compare with the overcrowded condition of 
 those boots. Too tight in the instep ; too 
 narrow at the toes : too short at both ends ; 
 the only things about those boots that don't 
 fill his very soul with agony, are the straps, 
 when Tom is pulling them on, he feels that if 
 somebody would kindly run over him t^ree 
 or four times, with a freight train, the sens- 
 ation would be pleasant and reassuring and 
 tranquiliziug. The air turns blaok before 
 his starting eyes, there is a roaring like tlie 
 rush of many waters in his ears, he tugs at { 
 the straps that are cutting his fingers iu two > 
 aud pulling hisarms out by the roots,and just i 
 befote his bloodshot eyes shoot out of his 
 head, the boot comes on — or the straps pull 
 otf. Then when he stands up, the | 
 earth rocks beneath his feet, and he thinks j 
 he can faintly hear the angels calling him I 
 home. And when he walks across the floor i 
 the first time his standins; iu the church and 
 the Christian community is ruined forever. 
 Or would be if anyone could hear what he 
 says. He never, never, nev»:i- gets to be so 
 old that he cannot remember those boots,aud 
 if it is seventy years afterward his feet curl 
 up in agony at the recollection. The first 
 time he wears them, ho is vaguely aware, as 
 he leaves his room that there is a sort of 
 " tixy" look about him,aud his sisters' titt«r- 
 
 iog is not needed to cojpfirm this impression. 
 He has a certain, half-defined impression 
 that everything he has on is a size too small 
 for any other man of his size. That his boots 
 are a tritle snug, like a house with four rooms 
 for a family of thirty-seven. That the hat 
 which sits so lightly on the crown of his 
 head is jaunty but limited, like a junior 
 olerk's salary ; that his gloves are a neat ht, 
 and can't be buttoned with a stump machine. 
 Tom doesn't know all this ; lie has only a 
 general, vague impression that it may be so. 
 And he doesn't know that liis sisters know 
 every line of it. For he has lived many 
 years longer, and got in evfii- so much more 
 trouble, before he learns that one bright, 
 good, sensible girl— and 1 Ijelieve they are all 
 that — will see and notice more in a glance, 
 remember it more accurately, and talk more 
 about it, than twenty men can see in a week. 
 Toin does not know, for his crying feet will 
 not let him, how he gets from his room to 
 the earthly paradise where Laura lives. Nor 
 does he kn>w, after he gets there, that Laura 
 sees him trying to rest one foot by setting it 
 up on the heel. And she sees him sneak it 
 back under his chair and tilt it up on the toe 
 for a change. She sees him ease the oWier 
 foot a little by tugging the heel of the boot 
 at the leg of the chair. A hazardous, reck- 
 less, presumptuous experiment. Tom tries 
 it so far one night, and slides his heel so far 
 up the leg of his boot, that his foot actually 
 feels comfortable, and he thinks the angels 
 must be rubbing it. He walks out of the 
 parlour sideways that night, trying to hide 
 the cause of the sudden elongation of one leg, 
 and he hobbles all the way home in the same 
 disjointed condition. But Laura sees that 
 too. She sees all the little knobs and lumps 
 on his foot, and sees him fidget and fuss, she 
 sees the look of anguish fhttiug across his 
 face under the heartless, deceitful, veueering 
 of smiles, and she makes the mental remark 
 that iViaster Tom would feel much happier, 
 and much more comfortable, aud more like 
 staying longer, if he had worn his father's 
 boot^ 
 
 But on his way to the house, despite the 
 distraction of his crying feet, how many 
 pleasant, really beautiful, romantic things 
 Tom thinks up aud recollects and compiles 
 aud composes to tiay to Laura, to impress her 
 with his originality, and wisdom, and genius, 
 and bright exuberant fancy aud general su- 
 periority over all the rest of Tom kind. Real 
 earnest things, you know ; now hollow, con- 
 versational compliments, or uou*euse, but 
 such thiuga, Tom flutters himself, as none of 
 the other fellows can or will say. Aud he 
 has them all iu beautiful order when he gets 
 at the foot of the hill. The remark about the 
 weather, to begin with ; not the stereotyped 
 
14 
 
 THE RISE AND I-'AF.L 
 
 old phnise, Init ;; qiiiiint, droll, liumorons 
 coiicfit tint no ono in the worM hnt T'oin 
 could tliiiik f)f. Then, artcr the oiienini,' 
 overture a'loiit tlie weather, soinethiiiu Jiboiit 
 musio iuid Het'thuven's Honata in M Hat. atid 
 Haydn's k\ iniihuiiies, and of course houio- 
 thint; about lieetiio- eii's grand old 
 Fifth symphony, somebody's else ma'^s, 
 in heaven knows how many flats ; 
 and then sometliinf? about art, and a 
 profound tliought or two on science anl 
 philosophy, and so on to poetry and from 
 poetry to "" iiusmess. " 
 
 But alan, when Tom reaches the gate, all 
 tliose well orderc'l ideas dis[ilay evident 
 symptoms of breaking up ; as he cr-osses the 
 yard, he is dismayed to know that they are 
 in the convulsions of a panic, and when he 
 touches the bell knob, every, each, all ami 
 several "f tiie ideas, original and eompihtd, 
 that he has had on any subjeet durinjx the 
 past ten years, forsake hiin :\ni\ return nn 
 more that evening. When Laui'a o])ened the 
 door tie had intemled t) saj' somethinir real 
 splend I r.lfout the: imiJri.MiiKHl sutdight of 
 sonietliiii:;, ijeamin:' out a welcome upon the 
 what you may call it o( the nii.dit or some- 
 thing. Instead of which he says, or rather 
 j^asps : " dh, yc», to be sure; to bi' ^ure ; 
 ho." And then, consciou.s that he has not 
 said anything ])articularly brilliant or ori- 
 ginal, or tiiat most any of the other fellovs 
 could not say with a little jtractice, he makes 
 one more eliort to redeem himself before he 
 steps into the hall, and adds, "Oh, good 
 morning ; good morning." I'^ecling that even 
 this is only a jjariial succes?, he collects hia 
 scattered faculties for one united eti'ort and 
 inquiries; "How is your mother?" And 
 then it strikes him that he has about ex- 
 hausted the subject, and he goes into the 
 i)arlour, and sits down, ami just as soon as 
 le has placed his reyiroachfid feetin the least 
 agonizing position, he proceeds to wholly, 
 completely andsuecessfullj' I'orget eveiything 
 he ever knew in liis life. He returns to con- 
 sciousness to tind himself, to his own amaze- 
 ment and rqually t«> Ijaura's bewildernnint. 
 conducting a conversation abr»ut the crops. 
 and a new method of fumlintr tlie national 
 ilel)t, subjectti upon which he is about as 
 well iiifornieil as the town clock. Me rallies, 
 aiid make.', a successful elfcut to turn the 
 conversation into literary channels by asking 
 her if she has read "Daniel Deromia,' and 
 wasn't it odd that (Jeorge Washington l^liot 
 should name her heroine " (-irenadine," after 
 a dret<s ])attern '.' And in a burst of coidi- 
 deneo he assures her that ho Mould not bo 
 am»'',ed if it should rain before morning, 
 (and he hopes it will, and that it may be a 
 flood, and that they may ge^ caught in it, 
 without an ark nearer thau Cape Horn.) 
 
 I And so, at last, the first evening passes 
 1 away, ain! after mature deliberation and 
 many unsuccessful etl'orts he rises to go. 
 ; Dut he lioes not go. He wants to ; but he 
 ] doesn't know how. He says good evening, 
 '■ Then he repeats it in a marginal reference. 
 ; Then he puts it in a foot note. Then he 
 adds tlie remark in an appemlix, ami shakes 
 luxnds. iiy this time he gets as far as the 
 parlour door, and catches liold of the kn(.l) 
 and holds on to it as tightly as though some 
 one on the other side were trying to pull it 
 through the door and run away with it. And 
 I he .stands there a Hdgftty statue of the door 
 I iioMer. He nu:ntion.-i, for not more than the 
 j twentieth time that evening that he ib pas- 
 ! siouatcly fond of music but he can't sing. 
 I Which is a lie ; he can. Did she go to the 
 Centennial? "No." " Such a pity "-he 
 ' begins, but stops in terror, lest she may coii- 
 I si.icr his condoh'nce a reflection uiioii hei' 
 linancial standing. Did lie go? Oh, yes ; 
 yes ; he says, absently, he went. Or, that 
 is to say, no, not exactly. He did not ex- 
 actly go to the ('cntennial ; he staid at home. 
 In f.ict, he has not been out of town this 
 Summer. Then he looks at the tender little 
 face ; he looks at the brown eyes, sparkling 
 with suppressed merriment ; Ik; looks at the 
 white hands, dimpled and soft, twin dangh- 
 fcei's of the snow ; ami the fairy jncture grows 
 more lovely as he looks at it, until 
 his heart outrutis his fear.s ; he must 
 s[)eak, he must s.iy something impressive 
 and ripe with meaning, for how can he 
 go away with this .«uspense in his breast? 
 His heart trembles as does his hand ; his 
 (juivering lips pai t, and — Laura deftly hifles 
 a vagrom yawn behind her fan. (lood night, 
 and Tom is gone. 
 
 There is a dejected droop to the mus^^ache 
 that night, when in the solitude of his own 
 room Tom releasfis his hands from the de- 
 spotic gloves, and tenderly soothes two of 
 tlie reddest, ptdHest feet that ever crept out 
 of boots not half their own size, and swore in 
 mute, but eloquent anatomical profani;y at 
 the whole race of bootmakers. And his 
 heart is nearly as full of sorrow ami bitter- 
 ness as his boors. It xppea'-s to him ^hat ho 
 showed ofl' to the wor t iiossible advantHv,'e ; 
 h(^ is iliiidy conscious that he acted very like; 
 a dcmkey, and he has the not entirely un- 
 natural impression that she will never want 
 to see him again. And so he uhilosophically 
 and manfully makes u[» his mind never, 
 m.H'er, m!ver, to thiidi of her again. And 
 then he immediately procceils, in the manliest 
 anil most natural way in the world, to think 
 of nothing and nobody (dse under the sun for 
 the next ten hours; How the tender little 
 face does haunt him. He pitches himself 
 into bed with an aimless recklessneaa that 
 
 tumbles pi! 
 hapeless, 
 throngh th 
 man who v 
 stands his 
 into a wa.d 
 though it 
 lays it do« 
 pats all th( 
 more sleep 
 than there 
 ever s impl 
 and smoke 
 three hour 
 tested 'ob; 
 This is 
 through tV 
 one rare g 
 rosy drean 
 old AS an n 
 as many ^\ 
 in .'i cluste 
 once. L( 
 misery, all 
 heaveidy f 
 And he do 
 out of it. 
 hate Sinitl 
 can talk fa 
 whose muf 
 so long tlu 
 both handi 
 idiot Brov 
 up there < 
 over a few 
 and calls 
 some nigl 
 evening at 
 up an old, 
 and goes 
 under th( 
 fectly hidi 
 And he sp 
 T.)m ; wh( 
 in the Ian; 
 to—" aw- 
 state occa 
 " avy vo( 
 who once 
 telling La 
 le I )iable ' 
 toy que jn 
 digal in 
 Cardinal 
 it accorc 
 the artis 
 evening 
 sketch 
 j)ictnre 1 
 mother, a 
 was oh jii 
 and Tom 
 since. Ii 
 
tig passes 
 icioii and 
 es to go. 
 I ; but he 
 i evir-ning. 
 referoiice. 
 Tlien he 
 ml shakes 
 
 far as the 
 
 the kni.b 
 (uigh some 
 
 to pull it 
 th it. And 
 f tlio door 
 e than the 
 
 hc! ib pas- 
 laii't sing. 
 a go to the 
 pity" -he 
 e m.iy cou- 
 
 u)i(m iiei' 
 
 ( )h, yes ; 
 
 Or, 'that 
 
 ilid nut. ex- 
 
 l ac li>ine. 
 
 tiiWII tills 
 iMider little 
 
 sparkling 
 
 loks at the 
 
 kviii daiigh- 
 
 tui'u grows 
 
 t it, until 
 
 he must 
 impressive 
 iw can he 
 his breast? 
 \ hand ; his 
 leftly hides 
 [lood night, 
 
 le mus*;ache 
 1 of his own 
 rom the de- 
 hes two of 
 ■r crept out 
 ntl swore in 
 jrofaiiiiy at 
 And his 
 
 and bilter- 
 lim ^liMt he 
 advantage ; 
 ^i1 vfsry like 
 Mitirely un- 
 
 rifver want 
 losopiiioally 
 liiid never, 
 ,gain. And 
 tile manliest 
 Id, to think 
 ' tiiP sun for 
 ender little 
 hes himself 
 essncsa that 
 
 OF THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 w 
 
 tumbles pillows, bolsters, and sheets into one 
 hapeless, wild, chaotic mass, and he goes i 
 through the motions of going to sleep, like a 1 
 man who would go to sleep by steam, fie j 
 stands his pillow up on end, and pounds it { 
 into a wad, and he props his head upon it as 
 though it were tlie guillotine block. He 
 lays it down and smooths it out lerel, and 
 pats all the wrinkles out of it, and there is 
 more sleeplessness in it to the square inch 
 than there is in tiie hungriest mosquito that 
 ever s impled a martyr's blood. He gets up 
 and smokes like a patent stove, although not 
 three hours ago he told Laura that he de- 
 tested 'obacco. 
 
 This is the only time Tom will ever go 
 through this, in exactly this way. It is the 
 one rare golden experience, the one bright, 
 rosy dream of his life. He may live to be as 
 <ild as an army overcoat, and he may marry i 
 as many wives as Brigham Young, singly, or ; 
 in a cluster, but this will cuiiic to him but j 
 once. Let him enjoy all the delightful 
 misery, all the ecstatic wretcheiiness, all the \ 
 heaveidy forlornness of it as best he can. j 
 And he does take good, solid, edifying misery 
 out of it. How he does torture himself and ' 
 hate Smith, the empty headed donkey, who ! 
 can talk faster than poor Tom can think, and | 
 whose mustache is black as Tom's boots, and 
 so long that he can pull one end of it with 
 both hands. And how he does detest that 
 idiot Brown, who plays and sings, and goes 
 up there every time Tom does, and claws 
 over a few old forgotten Hve-Hnger exercises 
 and calls it music ; wlio comes up there, 
 some night when Tom thinks he has the 
 evening and Laura all to himself, and brings 
 up an old, tuneless, voiceless, cracked guitar, 
 and goes crawling around in the wet grass 
 under the window and makes night per- 
 fectly hideous with what he calls a serenade. 
 And he speaks French, too, the beast. Poor 
 T<)ni ; when Brown's lingual accomplishments 
 in the language of ( 'harlemagne are confined 
 to — "aw — aw — er ah v;i)ly voo?" and on 
 state occasi«)ns to the additiimal grandeur of 
 " avy voo mong sha])(»?" But jmor Tom 
 who once i overed himself with confusion by 
 telling Laura that his favouritt; in " Uoliert 
 le L>iable " was the beautiful aria, '' Uoliert 
 toy que jam," considers Brown a very pro- 
 digal in linguistic attainments, another 
 Cardinal Mezzofanti, and hates him for 
 it accordingly. And hc hates Daubs, 
 the artist, too, who was up there one 
 evening and made an olF hand crayon 
 sketch of her in her album. The 
 jiicture looked much more like Daubs' 
 mother, and Tom knew it, but Laura said it 
 was oh just delightfully, perfectly splendid, 
 and Tom has hated I laubs most conlially ever 
 siuoe. In fact,Tom hates every man who 
 
 has the temerity to speak to her, or whom 
 slie may treat with ladylike courtesy. Un- 
 til there conies one night when the boots of 
 the inquisition pattern sit more lightly on 
 their sufierimr victims. When Providence 
 has been on Tom's 8i<le, and kept Smith and 
 Daubs and Brown away, and has frightened 
 Tom nearly to death by showing him no one 
 in the little parlour with its old-fashioned 
 furniture but himself and Laura and the fur- 
 niture. AVhen, almost without knowing 
 how or why, they talk about life and its rea- 
 lities instead of the last concert or the next 
 lecture ; wlien they talk of their plans and 
 day dreams alid aspirations, and their ideals 
 o' real men and women ; when they talk 
 about the heroes and heroines of days long 
 gone by, gray and dim in the ages that are 
 ever made yonni; andnewbyttie lives of noble 
 men and noble women who lived, and did, 
 and never died in those grand old days, but 
 livtid and live on, as imperishably and fade- 
 less in tiieir glory as the glit+'cring stars tliat 
 sang at creation's dawn. When the room 
 seems strangely silent when their voices 
 hush ; when the tiush of earnestness upon 
 her face gives it a tinge of sadness that makes 
 it more beautiful than ever ; when the dn am 
 and picture of a home Eden, and home life, 
 and home love, grows every moment more 
 lovely, more entravcing to him, until at last 
 poor blundering, stupid Tom, speaks without 
 knowing what iie is going to say, speaks 
 without prejiaration or rehearsal, speaks, 
 and his honest, natural manly heart touches 
 his faltering lips with eloquence and tender- 
 ness and earnestness that all the rhetoric in 
 the worhl never did and never will inspire, 
 
 and . That is all we know about it. 
 
 Nobody knows what is said nor how it is 
 done. Nobody. Only the silent stars or 
 the whispering leaves, or the cat, or maybe 
 Laura's younger brother, or the hired girl, 
 who generally bulges in just as Tom. reaches 
 the climax All the rest of us know about 
 it is, that Tom doesn't come away so early 
 that night, and that when he reaches the 
 door he holds a pair of dimpled hands instead 
 of the insensate doorknob. He never clings 
 to that dofir-knob again ; never. TJnlcfis ma, 
 dear ma, has been so kind as to bring in her 
 sewing and spend the evening with them. 
 And Tom doesn't hate!\nyi)ody, nor want to 
 kill anyl'ody in the M-ide, wide world, ami 
 lie feels just as good as though he had just 
 j come out of a six montlis' revival; and is 
 ha[ipy enough to borrow money of his worst 
 enemy. 
 
 But, there is no rose without a thorn. Al- 
 though, I 8U|ipoBe. on inside computation, 
 there is, in thi^ weary old world as much as, 
 say a peck, or a peck and a half possibly, of 
 thorns without their attendant roses. Just 
 
16 
 
 THE RISE AND FALL 
 
 the raw, bore thorns. In the highest heaven 
 of his newly-found blies, Tom is suddenly re- 
 called to earth and its miseries by a question 
 from Laura which falls like a plummet into 
 the unripplc'd sea of the young ma j s happi- 
 ness, .and fathoms it depths in jhe sbal lowest 
 place. "Has her own Tojri" :i'i <l)8t.in- 
 guished from countless other Torus, uu- 
 claimed Toms, to all intents and purposes 
 swamp lands on the public matrimo' ial do- 
 main—'" Has lier own Tom said ;i,nyllijiig to 
 pa?" "Oh, yeflpa ;'" T<im says, " i'o be 
 sure; yes" Grim, heavy browed, austere 
 pa. The living embodiment of business. 
 \Viry, s'lrewd, the life and mainspring of the 
 house of Tare and Tret. " 'M. V. dl. N'no." 
 Tom had not exactl}^ ao you niigiit say, 
 poured out his heart to jia. Some- 
 how or other he had a rose-coloured 
 idea that the thing w.as going to go light 
 along in this way fortv. r. Tom had an idea 
 thjit the programme was all arranged, printed 
 and distributed, rose-ooloured, gilt-edged, 
 and perfumed. He was going to sit and hold 
 Laura's hands, pa was to stay down at the 
 ofiice, and ma was to make her visits to the 
 parlour as much like angels', for their rarity 
 and brevity, as possible. But he sees, now 
 that tlie matter has been referred to, that it 
 is a grim necessity. Ami I^aura doesn't like 
 to see such a spasm of terror pass over Tom's 
 face ; and her coral l^s quiver a little as she 
 hides her flushed face oat of sight on Tom's 
 shoulder, and tells him how kind and tender 
 pa has always been with her, until Tom feels 
 positively jealous of pa. And she tells him 
 that he must not dread going to see him, for 
 pa will be oh so glad to know how happy, 
 happy, happy he can make his little girl. 
 And as she talks of him, the hard working, ' 
 old-faslxioned, tender- heartei old man, who ■ 
 loves his girls as though he were yet only a j 
 big boy, her heart grows tenderer, and she | 
 speaks so etirneetly and eloquently that Tom, 
 at first savagely jealous of him, is persuaded 
 to fall in love with the old gentleman — he 
 calls him "Pa," too, now — himself. 
 
 But by the following afternoon this feeling 
 is very faint. And when he entefs idie count- 
 ing room of Tare & Tret, and stands before 
 pa — Oil, land of love, how could Laura ever 
 talk so about 6uch a man. Stubbly httle pa; 
 with a fringe of the most obstinate and wiry 
 gray hair standing all around his bold, bald 
 head ; the wiriest, grizidiest mustache brist- 
 ling imder his nose ; a tuft of tangled beard 
 under tbe sharp chin, and a raspy under- 
 growth of a week's run on the thin jaws ; 
 business, business, business, in every line of 
 the hard, seamed face, and profit and loss, 
 barter and trade, dicker and bargain, in 
 every movement of the nervous han&. Pa ; 
 old business ! He puts down the newspaper 
 
 a little way, and looks ever the top of it m 
 Tom announces himself, glancing at th« 
 young man with a pair of blue eyes that peer 
 through old-fashioned iron-bowed spectacles, 
 tbat look as though they had known these 
 eyes and done business with them ever aiaoe 
 they wept over their A B C's or peeped into 
 the tall stone jar Sunday afternoon to look 
 for the doughnuts. 
 
 Tom, who had felt all along there could be 
 no inspiration on his part in this scene, has 
 come prepared. At least lie had his last true 
 statement at his tongue's end when he entered 
 the counting room. But now, it seems to 
 him that if he had been brought up in a 
 circus, and cradled inside of a sawdust ring, 
 and all his Hie trained to twirl his hat, he 
 couldn't do it better, nor faster, nor be more 
 utterly incapable of doing anything else. At 
 last he swallows a lump in his throat as big 
 as a ballot box, and faintly gasps, "Good 
 morning." Mr. Tret hastens to recognize 
 him. ' 'Eh ? oh ; yes ; yes ; yes ; I see ; 
 young Bostwick, from Dope & Middlerib's. 
 Oh yes. Well—?" "I have come, sir," 
 gasps Tom, thinking all around the world 
 from Cook's explorations to "Captain Riley's 
 Ifawative, " for the first line of that speecli 
 that Tare & Tret have just scared out of him 
 so completely that he doesn't believe he ever 
 kitew a word of it. "I have come — " and he 
 thinks if his lips didn't get so dry and hot 
 they make his teeth ache, that he could get 
 along with it : "I have, sir — come, Mr. Tret; 
 Mr. Tret, sir — I have come — I am come — '* 
 "Yes, ye-es," says Mr. Tret, in the 
 wildest bewildeiTuent, but in no very 
 encouraging tones, thinking the youni; 
 man probably wants to borrow money ; 
 " Ye-es ; I see you've eome. Well j 
 that's all right ; glad to see you. Yes, you've 
 come ?" Tom's hat is now making about nine 
 hundred and eighty revolutions per minute, 
 and apparently not running up to half its full 
 capacity. "Sir; Mr. Tret, he resumes, 
 " I have come, sir ; Mr. Tret — I am here to 
 — to sue — to sue, Mr. Tret — I am here to sue 
 — " " Sue, eh !" the old man echoes sharply, 
 with a belligerent rustle of the newspaper ; 
 "sue Tare & Tret, eh? Well, that's right, 
 young man ; that's right. Sue, and get 
 damages. We'll give you all the law you 
 want." Tom's head is so hot, and his heart 
 is so cold, that he thinks they must be about 
 a thousand miles apart. " Sir," he explains, 
 " that isn't it. It isn't that. I onl} want 
 to ask — I have long known — Sir, " he adds, 
 as the opening lines of his speech come to 
 him like a message from heaven, " Sir, you 
 have a flower, a tender lovely blossom ; 
 chaste as the snow that crowns the mouo- 
 tain's brow ; fresh as the breath of morn ; 
 lovelier than the rosy-tiugered hours that fly 
 
OP THE MU3TA0HB. 
 
 of it M 
 g at th* 
 that peer 
 pectaclefl, 
 )wu these 
 iver aiaoe 
 eped into 
 to look 
 
 e could be 
 loone, has 
 
 a last true 
 he entered 
 
 seems to 
 
 up in a 
 dust ring, 
 hat, he 
 ir be more 
 
 else. At 
 oat as big 
 )s, "Good 
 
 recognize 
 i ; I see ; 
 idd) crib's, 
 ome, sir," 
 the world 
 ain Riley's 
 lat speech 
 out of him 
 ;ve he ever 
 " and he 
 and hot 
 
 could get 
 , Mr. Tret; 
 n come — " 
 ), in th« 
 
 no very 
 he youni; 
 V money ; 
 Well ; 
 fes, you've 
 about nine 
 ler minute, 
 [lalf its full 
 ; resumes, 
 am here to 
 here to sue 
 ea sharply, 
 ewspaper ; 
 at's right, 
 !, and get 
 he law you 
 d his heart 
 st be about 
 e explains, 
 oulj want 
 
 be adds, 
 sh come tu 
 
 " Sir, you 
 
 blossom ; 
 the raoun- 
 1 of morn ; 
 irs that II7 
 
 before Aurora's car ; pure as the lily kissed 
 by (lew. 'lliid precious blossom, watched bv 
 your paternal eyes, the object of your tender 
 care and solioitiule, I ask of you. I would 
 wear it in my heart, and guanl and cherish 
 it — aii'l in the -" "Oh-h, ye-es, yes, yes," 
 the old mm says soothingly, beginning to see 
 that T<'ni is oidy drunk. " Uh yes, yes, I 
 don't kiiuw nuiuh about them myst If ; my 
 wife Jtml tlu! i^irls generally keep half the 
 windows in the house littered u|) with them. 
 Winter andsanimer, every ,vinilow so full ot 
 iiouse plants tiie sun can't fjhine in. Come 
 up to the lioii^e, they'll give you all you can 
 carry away, yive you a hat full of 'em. " 
 " No, lit), no ; you don't understand," says 
 poor Tdui, and old Mr. Tret now observes 
 that Tom i>' very drunk indeed. " It isn't 
 that, Sir. Sir, tiiat isn't it. I — I — I want 
 to many your daughter !" Ami there it is 
 at last, as hluntly as though Tom had wadded 
 it into a gun .iiul shot it at the old man. Mr. 
 Tret does not say any thing for twenty 
 B6con<ls. Tom tells Laura that evening that 
 it was two hours and a half before her father 
 •pened his liead. Then he says, "Oh, yes, 
 yes, ycM, yes ; to be sure; to — be — sure." 
 And tlien the long pause is dreadful. "Yes, 
 yes. Well, I don t know. I don't know 
 about that, young man. Said any thing to 
 Jennie about it?" 'It isn't Jennie," Tom 
 gasps, sreing a new Uiibicon to cross ; " it's 
 
 " "Oil, Julie, eh? well, I don't " 
 
 "No, sir," interjects the despairing Tom, "it 
 
 isn't .Julie, it's " "Sophie, eh? Oh, 
 
 well, Soi.liir " "Sir," says Tom, "if 
 
 you please, sir, it isn't Sophie, its " "Not 
 
 Minnie, surely ? Why, Minnie is hardly — 
 well, 1 doii't know. Young folk get along 
 
 faster than " " Dear Mr. Tret," breaks 
 
 in the di:;t;'acted lover, "it's Laura." 
 
 As they sit and stand there, looking at 
 each otlier, the dingy old counting-room, 
 with the li'iavy shadows lurking in every 
 corner, witli its time-worn, heavy brown 
 furnishings, with the scanty dash of sunlight 
 breaking in through the dusty window, looks 
 tike an old Rubens painting ; the beginning 
 and the Hnishing of a race : the old man, 
 nearly rt ady to lay his armour off, glad to be 
 «» nearly and so safely through with the race 
 and the ti>:ht that Tom, in all his inexperi- 
 ence and with all the rash enthusiasm and 
 ooaceit of a young man, is just getting ready 
 to run and fight, or tight and run, you never 
 «Mua tell whicn until ne is through with it. 
 And the old man, looking at Tom, and 
 through him, and past him, feels his o\^ 
 heart throb almoEt as quickly as does that of 
 the young man before him. l*'or lookinsr 
 down a long vista of happy,, eventful 
 jean, bordered . with roseate hopea 
 
 bright 
 
 i 
 
 dnaau and antidpatioai, 
 
 he sees a tender face, radiant with 
 smiles and kindled m ith blushes ; he feels a 
 soft hand drop nito his own with its timid 
 pressure ; he sees the vision oiien, under the 
 glitteringsummoi'stara, down niossv liillsiiUs. 
 where tlie restless breeze.-', sighing tJirough 
 th'j rustling leaves w'cispered their tender 
 secret to the noisy kacy.Uds ; stiolliim along 
 the winiiing paths, deep in the bending wihl 
 grass, down in the star-lit ai;les of the dim 
 old woods; loitering \\hcro tiie nieailow 
 brook sparkles over the white pebbles or 
 murmurs around the great Hat stepping- 
 stones; lingering on the rustic foot biiilge, 
 while he gazes into eyes eloquent and 
 tender in their silent love-liulit ; up 
 through the long pathway of 3ea)s, lleckeil 
 and checkered with sunshine aad yloiid, with 
 storm and calm, tlin.ngh years of stiiigelc, 
 trial, sorrow, disappointinont, out at -asfe 
 into the grand, gloiiouH, crowning beauty 
 and benison of hard-won and wed-doserved 
 success, until he sees now tii'.s sei'i ii') Lnura, 
 re-imaging her mother as she was in the 
 dear old days. And he rou'-es from his dream 
 with a start, and he tells Tom he'll "Talk it 
 over with Mrs. Tret, and see him again in 
 the morning. " 
 
 And so they are duly and form.dly en- 
 gaged , and the very hrst thing they do, 
 they make the very sensdde, though very 
 uncommon, resolution to so conduct tiiein- 
 selves that no one will ever suspect it. And 
 they suo'.'ced admiral/ly. No one ever does 
 suspect it. They come into church in time 
 to hear the benediction — every time they 
 come together. They shun all otl.er people 
 when church is dismissed, and are seen to go 
 I home alone the longest way. At iiic-nica 
 they are missed not more than fifty times a 
 day, and are di.scovcred sitting unler a tree, 
 holding each other's hands, gazin.; into each 
 other's eyes and saying — nothing. W hen he 
 throws her shawl over her shouliters, he 
 never looks at what he is doing, but looks 
 into her starry eyes, throws the shawl right 
 over her natural cr.ls, and drags them out 
 by the hair-pins. If, at sociatile or festival, 
 they are left alone in a dressing-rooiu a 
 second and a half, Laura emerges with her 
 ruffle standing around like a railroad acci- 
 dent ; and Tom has enough complexion on his 
 shoulder to go around a ladies' seminary. 
 When they drive out, they sit in a buggy 
 with a seat eighteen inches wide, and there 
 is two feet of unoccupied room at either end 
 of it. Long years afterwards, when they 
 drive, a street car isn't too wide for them ; 
 and when they walk you could drive four 
 loads of hay between them. 
 
 And yet, as carefully as they guard their 
 precious liktle secret, and as cautious and 
 circniaapeet aa they are in their walk aoA 
 
18 
 
 THE RI8B AND FALL 
 
 behaviour, it gets talked around that they 
 are engaged. People are so prying and bub- 
 pioioiib. 
 
 And so the months of their engagement 
 nm on ; never before or since, time flies so 
 swiftly — unless, it may be, some time when 
 Tom lifts an acceptance in bank to meet in 
 two <lMys, that h-i can't lift one end of— and 
 the wedding day dawns, fades, and the wed- 
 dincr is over. Over, with its little circle of 
 dt'Iisztit' <l friends, with its ripples of pleasure 
 and excitomeni, wicii its couciies of home 
 love and humo life, that leave their lasting 
 im])rpsK uj)on the lieart of Lnura's heart, al- 
 thouL'li Tom, with man-like blindness, never 
 sees ()7ie of them. Over, with ma, with the 
 thousand and one anxieties attendant on the 
 grand cvont in her daughter's life hidden 
 away under lior dear old smiling face, down, 
 away do^n under tlie tender, glistening eyes, 
 deep in the; loving heart ; ma, hurrying here 
 and (Inttcring tliero, in the intense excite- 
 ment of something strangely made up of 
 havT'in 'ss and yrief, of aunrehcnsion and 
 hope ; ma, witli hi.-r sudden (tisappear- 
 ances and flushed reappearances, in- 
 
 dita 
 
 strui. 
 
 aiiii Lriuniplib in 
 the turbulent world down stairs ; ma, 
 with tiio new-fangled belt, with the dinner- 
 plate buckles, fastened on wrong aide fore- 
 most, and the flowers dangling down the 
 wrnn;^ i^iilo of lier head, to Sojihie's intense 
 horror and pantomimic telegraphy; ma, fly- 
 ing here and there, seeing that everything 
 is going right, from kitchen to dressing- 
 rooms; looking after everything and every- 
 body, with hcir hands and her heart just as 
 full as tliey will hold, and more voices call- 
 ing "ma," from every room in the house, 
 than you would think one hundred mas 
 could answer. But she answers them all, 
 and she sees after everything, and just in 
 the nick of time prevents Mr. Tret from 
 going down stairs and attending the cere- 
 mony in a loud-figured dressing-gown and 
 green slippers; ma, who, with the quivering 
 ip and glistening eyes, has to be cheerful, 
 and lively, and smiling; because, if, as she 
 thinks of the dearest and host of her flock 
 going away from her fold, to put her life and 
 her happiness into another's keeping, she 
 gives way for one moment, a dozen reproach- 
 ful voices cry out, " Oh-h ma !" How it all 
 comes back to Tjaura, like the tender 
 shadows of a dream, long years after the 
 dear, dear face, furrowed with marks of 
 patient'flufl^ering and loving care, rests under 
 the snow and the daisies; when the mother 
 love that glistened in the tender eyes has 
 olosed in darkness on the dear old hom^; 
 and the nerveless hands, crossed in dream- 
 less sleep upon the pnlseless breast, can 
 neTer again touch tho children's heads with 
 
 caressing gesture; how the sweet vision comei 
 to Lanra, as it shone on her wedding mom, 
 rising in tenderer beauty through the blind- 
 ing tears her own excess of happiness calls 
 ap, as the rainbow spans the cloud only 
 through the mingling of the golden sunshine 
 and the falling rain. 
 
 And pa, dear old shabby pa, whose clothes 
 will not fit him as they tit other men; who 
 always dresses just a year and a-half behind 
 the style ; pa wandering up and down 
 through the house, as though lie were lost 
 in his own home, pacing through the hall 
 like a sentinel, olundering aimlessh' and 
 listlessly into rooms where he has no business, 
 and being repelled therefrom by a chorus of 
 piercing shrieks and hysterical giggling; pa, 
 getting off his well worn jokes with an as- 
 sumption of merriment that seems positively 
 real; pa, who creeps away by himself once 
 in a while, and leans his face against the 
 window, and sighs, in diiect violation of all 
 strict household regulations, right against 
 the glass, as he thinks nf his little girl yoin^' 
 away to-day from the home whose love and 
 tenderness and patience she has known so 
 well. Only yesterday, it seems to him, th« 
 little baby girl, bringing the first music of 
 baby prattle into his home; then a little girl 
 in short drespes, with school-girl troubles and 
 school-girl pleasures; then an older little 
 girl, out of school and into society, but a 
 
 little girl to pa still. And then . But, 
 
 somehow, this is as far as pa can get; for he 
 sees, in the flight of this, the first, the fol- 
 lowing flight of the other fledglings; and he 
 thinks how silent and desolate the old nest 
 will be when they have all mated ami flown 
 away. He thinks, when their flight shall 
 have made other homes bright and cheery 
 and sparkling, with music, and prattle and 
 laughter, how it will leave the old home 
 hushed and quiet and still. How, in the 
 long, lonesome afternoon, mother will sit by 
 the empty cradle that rocked them all, 
 murmuring the sweet old cradle songs that 
 brooded over all their sleep, uutil the rising 
 tears check the swaying cradle and choke 
 the song — and back, over river and prairie 
 and mountain, thatroU andstretchand rise be- 
 tween the old home and the new ones, comes 
 back the prattle of her little ones, the rippling 
 music of their laughter, the tender cadences 
 of their songs, untu the hushed old home is 
 haunted by memories of its children — gray 
 and old they may be, with other children 
 clustering about their knees ; but to the dear 
 old home they are "the children" still. 
 And dreaming thus, when pa for a moment 
 finds his little girl alone— his little girl who 
 is going away ont of the home whose love she 
 knows, into a house whose tenderness and 
 patience are all nntried->-he holds, her in his 
 
 arms and v 
 
 that ever 
 
 and Laura' 
 
 plete and u 
 
 the pattern 
 
 tears, shad 
 
 of these ba 
 
 day. He 
 
 earnestnesi 
 
 tints and 
 
 uV-idod '>•!■ 
 
 lief ; but i 
 
 the shadow 
 
 tints of tl 
 
 be flat, pa 
 
 And the 
 
 of bracke 
 
 French ok 
 
 go, that i; 
 
 mashers. 
 
 three oigai 
 
 sorted pat 
 
 style, bhu 
 
laion comet 
 ding morn, 
 the blind 
 
 piness calli 
 cloud only 
 
 an sunshine 
 
 lose clothes 
 
 r men; who 
 
 half behind 
 
 and down 
 
 were ios 
 
 the hall 
 
 rilesisly and 
 
 o business, 
 
 a chorus of 
 
 .'irling; pa, 
 
 with an as- 
 
 s ])ositively 
 
 iinself once 
 
 aijainst the 
 
 lation of all 
 
 tht Hgainat 
 
 girl <.r<iiri^' 
 
 se love and 
 
 IS known so 
 
 to him, the 
 
 'st music of 
 
 a little girl 
 
 troubles and 
 
 older little 
 
 cietv, but a 
 
 -. But, 
 
 n get; ft)r he 
 
 irst, the fol- 
 
 ings; and he 
 
 the old nest 
 
 kI and flowu 
 
 flight shall 
 
 ; and cheery 
 
 prattle and 
 
 le old home 
 
 flow, in the 
 
 r will sit by 
 
 I them all, 
 
 e songs that 
 
 il the rising 
 
 e and choke 
 
 and prairie 
 
 1 and rise be- 
 
 onts, comes 
 
 , the rippling 
 
 ler cadences 
 
 3ld home is 
 
 ildren — gray 
 
 ler children 
 
 t to the dear 
 
 Iren " still. 
 
 ' a moment 
 
 tie girl wh'j 
 
 lose love she 
 
 lemeas and 
 
 »a. >»■ 
 
 OP THE MUSTACHE. 
 
 arms and whispers the most fervent blessing 
 that ever throbbed from a father's heart ; 
 and Laura's wedding day would be incom- 
 plete and unfeeling without her tears. So is 
 the pattern of our life made up of smiles and 
 tears, shadow and sunshine. Tom sees none 
 of these background pic'iures of the wedding 
 day. He sees none ol its real, heartfelt 
 earnestness. He sees only tlio bright, sunny 
 tints and happy figures that the tearful, 
 Jlh 'dod '>!"'lr 'rMUml f jvnws oiil i" ■■■iMe!) Tf- 
 iicf ; but never stops to think Uiat, without 
 the shailowH, the clouds, aiul the sombre 
 tints of the background, the picture would 
 be flat, pale, and lustrekvis. 
 
 And then, the presents. Tlie assortment 
 of brackets, serviceable, aiiil--(.-licaf». The 
 French clock, that never went, that does not 
 go, that never will go. The nine potato 
 mashers. The eight nuisturi"; spooiitj. Tlie 
 three cigai' stands. Eleven 'iialcli safes ; as- 
 sorted patterns. A do: i tiuu-s, uliarity fair 
 style, blue dog on jellow background, bark- 
 
 after seal brown apples. The two uiiurns, 
 old pattern, straitthn handle and daslier, and 
 they have as much thouc^'ht of !;i;<']iing a cow 
 as they have of keeping a seel ion of artillery. 
 Five things they didn't know ti.e uimes of. 
 and never could find any body who could toll 
 what they were for. And a nickel jjlatod 
 pocket ccirkscj'ew, that Tom, in a lino burst" 
 of indignation, throws out of the window, 
 which Laura says is just like her own impul- 
 sive Tom. And not long after her own im- 
 pulsivo Tom catches his death of cold and 
 ruins tlie knees of his best trowsers crawling 
 round in the grass hunting for that sinne 
 corkscrew. VVHiich is just like her own im- 
 pulsive Tom. 
 
 And then, the young coiipic go to W(»rk 
 and buy e-v-e-r-y thing tiiey need, the day 
 they go to housekeeping. Everything. Just 
 as well, Tom says, to get every thing at once 
 and have it delivered right up to the house, 
 as to spend five or six or ten or twenty years 
 in stocking up a house as his father did. 
 And Laura thinks so too, and she woiulers 
 that Tom should know so much more than 
 his father. This worries Tom himself, when 
 he thinks of it, and he never understands 
 how it is, until he is forty-five or fifty years 
 old and has a Tom of his own to direct and 
 advise him. So they make out a list, and 
 revise it, and rewrite it, until they 
 have every thing down, complete, and 
 it isn't until supper is ready the first day, 
 that they discover there isn't a knife, a fork, 
 or a plate or a spoon in the now house. And 
 the 'first day the washerwoman comes, and 
 the water is hot, and the clothes all ready, 
 it is discovered that there isn't a wash-tub 
 nearer than the grocery. And further along 
 
 in the day the discovery is made that while 
 Tom has bought a clothes line that will reach 
 to the north pole and back, and then has to 
 coded up a mile or two in the back yard, 
 there isn't a clothes pin in the settlement. 
 And in the course of a week or two Tom 
 slowly awakens to the realization of the fact 
 that he has only begun to get. And if he 
 should live two thousand years, which he 
 rarely does, and possibly may not, he would 
 think, just before he died, of somethin<» 
 they had wanted the worst way for five 
 centuries, and had either been too poor 
 to get, or Tom had always forgotten to bring 
 up. So loner as he lives, Tom goes on bring- 
 ing home thnigfe that they need — -abscdute, 
 snnj)le necessities, that were never so much 
 as hinted at in that exhaustive list. And 
 olil Time comes along, and knowing that the 
 man in that new house will never get through 
 bringing things up to it, helps him out and 
 comes round and brings things, too. Brings 
 a gray hair now and then, to stick in Tom's 
 ;t :i];4^.iilif'. vvbieb has grown too big to be or- 
 namental, and too wayward and unmanage- 
 able to be comfortable. He brings little 
 cares and little troubles, and little trials and 
 little butcher bills, and little grocer's bills, 
 and little tailor bills, and nice large millinery 
 bills, that pluck at Tom's mustache and stroke 
 it the wrong way and made it look more 
 and more as pa's did the first time Tom saw 
 it. He brings, by-and-bye, the prints of baby 
 i'ugers and pats them around on the dainty 
 wall paper. Brings, sometimes, a voiceless 
 messenger that lays its icy fingers on the 
 baby lips, and hushes their dainty prattle, 
 and in the baptism of its first sorrow, the 
 darkened little home has its dearest and 
 teuderest tie to the upper fold. Brings, by- 
 and-bye, the tracks of a boy's muddy boots, 
 and scatters them all up and down the clean 
 porch. Brings a messenger, one day, to take 
 the youngest Tom away to college. And the 
 ipiiet the boy leaves behind him is so much 
 harder to endure than his racket, that old 
 Tom is tempted to keep a brass band in the 
 house until the boy comes back. But old 
 Time brings him home at last, and it does 
 make life seem terribly real and earnest to 
 Tom, and how the old laugh rings out and 
 ripples all over Laura's face, when they see 
 ^ old Tom's first mustache budding and strng- 
 j gling into second life on young Tom's face. 
 j And still old Time comes round, bringing 
 I each year whiter frosts to scatter on the 
 whitening mustache, and brighter gleams of 
 I silver to glint the brown of I^aura's hair. 
 Bringing the blessings of peaceful old age 
 , and a lovelockcd houio to crown these noble, 
 i earnest, real human lives, bristling with hn- 
 I man faults, marred with human mistakes, 
 i soarred and seamed and rifted with hnmas 
 
«0 
 
 GETTING BEADY FOR THE TRAIN. 
 
 troubles, and crowned with the compasaion 
 that only perfection can send upon imperfec- 
 tion. Comes, with happy memories of tlie 
 pai«t, and quiet confidence for the future. 
 Comes, with the changing scenes of day aud 
 niglit ; with wrinter's 8torm and summer's 
 calm ; couies, with the sunny peace ami tlie 
 backward dreams of age : comes, until one 
 day, the eye of the relentless old reaper re.sts 
 upon old Tom, staudiug right in ihe swatli, 
 amid the golden com. The sweep of the 
 noiseless scythe that never turns its edge. 
 Tune llas:^es on, old Tom steps out ot young 
 Turn's way, and the cycle of a life is complete. 
 
 a wo- 
 
 the si- 
 replied 
 
 Qettlug Ready for the Train. 
 
 When they reached the depot, Mr. Man 
 and his w ife gazed in unspeakable disappoiiit- 
 mtiit at the receding train, which was just 
 pulling away trom the bridge switch at the 
 rate of a thousand miles a minute. Tiieir 
 first impluse was to run after it ; but as the 
 train was out of sight, and whistling Icir 
 >Sayet(iwn before they could act uijon the 
 impulse, they remained in the carriage and 
 disconsolately turned the hoises' heads 
 homeward. 
 
 "It till cornea of having to wait for 
 man to get ready," Mr. Man broke 
 lence with. 
 
 "1 was ready before you were," 
 his wife. 
 
 "Oreat heavens!" cried Mr. Man, in ir- 
 repressible impatience, jerking the hors-es' 
 jaws out of place, "just listen to that ! And 
 I tat out in the buggy ten minutes, yelling 
 at >ou to come along, until the whole ueigli- 
 bourhood licard me ! " 
 
 "Yes," acquiesced Mrs. Man, with the 
 provoking placidity which no one can assume 
 but a wouian, "and every time I started 
 down stairs you sent me back for something 
 you had forgotten," 
 
 Mr. Man groaned. "This is too much to 
 bear," he eaid, "when everybody knows 
 that if I was going to Europe, I would just 
 rush into the house, put on a clean shirt, 
 grab up my gripsack, and fly ; while you 
 would want at least six months for prelimin- 
 ary preparations, and then dawdle around 
 the whole day of starting until every train 
 had left town." 
 
 Well, the upshot of the matter was, that 
 the Mans put off their visit to Peoria until 
 the next week, and it was agreed that eacli 
 . one should get ready and go down to the 
 train and go, and the one who failed to get 
 ' ready should get left. The day of the match 
 came around in due time. The train was to 
 
 fo at 10:30, and Mr. Man, after attending to 
 is business, went home at 9:45. 
 "Now then," he shouted, "only three* 
 qnartera of an hour to train time. Fly 
 
 around ; a fair field and no favours, you 
 know." 
 
 And away they flew. Mr. Man bulged 
 
 into this room and rushed into that one, and 
 
 dived joto one closet after aiiotlifcr with in- 
 
 i cciiiceival)le rjijjidily, clnukliiig umler his 
 
 I breath all the tjiae, to ihiiik how fl't;ip Mrs. 
 
 I Man would feel when he started oH' :doiie. 
 
 j He sto])i)e*l on his way up btaiis to puil off 
 
 his heavy Imotn, to save time. Fortlie ."ame 
 
 reas(in he puUeii oil' his coat as he ran through 
 
 the diiiinyroom, and huiii; it up in the eor- 
 
 I iier ot the silver closet. Then he jeikedofl 
 
 ; his vest as he rushed tlu'ough tlie liall, and 
 
 I • obsed it on a hook in tlie liatracii, lUiu by 
 
 ! the time he reacheii las own room he wa« 
 
 j ready to plunge into liis clean clothes. He 
 
 I pulled out a bnre:iu drawer anil hc^^'an to 
 
 ; paw at the ihiiiys, like a ^cotcli terrier after 
 
 I a rat. 
 
 " Eleanor ! " he shritked, "win re are my 
 shirts ? "' 
 
 " In your bureau drawer," quietly j( ilied 
 Mrs. Man, who was staiiiliiig piuciidy Ix lore 
 a |ilass, cainily and diiiberatelj coaxing a 
 refractory < limp into place. 
 
 " Well, by ihuiitier, ihey ain't ! " shouted 
 Mr. Man, a little annoyed. " 1 ve emptied 
 every last thing out oi the drawer, aiui liier* 
 isn't a tiling in it that 1 ever saw hefote. " 
 
 Mrs. Man stepped hack a few pace;-, held 
 her head on one suie, and alter s:iiisf}iug 
 j lierself that the eriin]i would do, and woula 
 I stay wheie slie had jjut it, replied : 
 1 '"These things scattered arouiul the floor 
 ! are all miiic. I'rol ably jou haven't been 
 I lociking ill your own diaver. " 
 1 '• 1 don't set','' testily (diserved Mr. Man, 
 1 "w-hy you couh'ui thave | ut my things out 
 forme, when jou had iioihii;y eL-iC to cio all 
 morning." 
 
 " Because," said Mrs. ?t. an, settling her- 
 self into a:i adiLiioiiaiaitiLleof lainieiit with 
 awful deliheratioii. " nol edy ] lit niiie out 
 forme. 'A lair field and no luvcurs,' my 
 dear. ■' 
 
 Mr. Man plunged into his shirt like a bull 
 at a ted ling. 
 
 " Foul!' he shouted, in nialicious triumph. 
 " No hutt(.n on the neck!" 
 
 "Because," said Mr^. Man, swo.etly, after 
 a deliberate stare at the lidgetiiig, in latient 
 man, during which Fhe luttentd hn drtsB 
 and put eleven pins where they would do 
 most good, " htcause you have got the shirt 
 on wiong side out." 
 
 When Mr. Man slid out of that shirt he 
 began to sweat. He dropped the shirt three 
 times before he got it on, and while it was 
 over his head he heard the clock strike ten. 
 When his head came through he saw Mnfk 
 Man coaxing the ends aad howu of her neob* 
 tie. 
 
 " Wher 
 Mrs. M 
 presently 
 and saw } 
 touM rinil 
 ■he S'liil: 
 "In til 
 Mrs. M 
 kant'^d 11 ; 
 hutto IS. 
 
 "Eleati 
 you must 
 " I ii.iv 
 Ming her 
 the winn 
 night -r 
 
 Mr. Ma 
 
 ■tairs on 
 
 boots, am 
 
 hall at th 
 
 and despa 
 
 with m )r( 
 
 a Webb's 
 
 like the 1 
 
 " Are J 
 
 the wife ( 
 
 the Villus' 
 
 The uu 
 
 throw me 
 
 Mrs. ^ 
 
 him. 
 
 " My V 
 
 awav att 
 
 "Up i 
 
 •were'!. 
 
 " Pank 
 
 " I do 
 
 Tours "If, 
 
 ner hand 
 
 time to p 
 
 She w;i 
 
 door opei 
 
 " Whe 
 
 put my V 
 
 " You 
 
 sailed ba 
 
 Before 
 
 ■he was 
 
 " Ele;i 
 
 you wea; 
 
 She pii 
 
 itreet ca 
 
 "Yo.i 
 
 Andt 
 
 figure ai 
 
 neigh bo I 
 
 ohargiii!. 
 
 at the ft 
 
 ■hriekin 
 
 vnoonsc 
 
 hat was 
 
 and if si 
 
 ihirts, 9 
 
favours, yon 
 
 Mail l)ulge«i 
 that iirn', aud 
 thf,-.'- with m- 
 j^ luiiier his 
 w il'uip .Mra, 
 eil (i(}' alons, 
 S to {lUil off 
 Fui- the .-anit 
 c liin tiircugh 
 p ill tlio cur- 
 he ji) kt.(l off 
 liu Jiall, and 
 raci;, ;uia by 
 luoii) lie waa 
 cJotliis. He 
 Hid I'f^^iu to 
 
 tern«i atter 
 
 \ li( re are my 
 
 icrly I ({.lied 
 uciiiJv l)( lore 
 Ay coax.hg a 
 
 't ! " slioiited 
 l\c tnijitied 
 er, and ilier« 
 rt- heioie. " 
 y J. act.'-, held 
 or siai,s)'}iug 
 ), aiid wimia 
 ed : 
 
 iid tlie floor 
 havtij't beeu 
 
 ;d Mr. Man, 
 
 i}' things out 
 ;]iie to no all 
 
 settling her- 
 
 lamitiit with 
 
 lit mi 10 out 
 
 lavcurs,' mj 
 
 It like a bull 
 
 oui, triumph. 
 
 ftoetly, after 
 .tr, in latient 
 d hn (irfc8B 
 y vould do 
 ^(.t the ehirk 
 
 I at shirt h« 
 t shirt thret 
 ("bile it was 
 strike ten. 
 c saw Mrc 
 Df her neoii^ 
 
 DRIVING THE OOW. 
 
 " Where's my shirt-studs ?" he cried. 
 
 Mrs. Man went out into another room and 
 presently came back witli gloves and hat, 
 Mid saw Mr. Man em[)t.yin<_' all the boxes he 
 •ouhl rind in and abi>nt the bureau. Then 
 ■he S'ii'l: 
 
 •'In the shirt you just took off." 
 
 Mrs. Man put on iier gloves while Mr. Man 
 kant-fd up and down the room for his culf 
 bntto'is. 
 
 " Eleanor," he snarled at last, " I believe 
 you must know where those buttons are." 
 
 " I h.iven't se.)n them," said the lady. set- 
 Ming her hat, "didn't you lay them down on 
 the winnow-sill in the sitting-room last 
 night ?" 
 
 Mr. Man remembered, and he went down- 
 •tairs on the run. He stepped on one of his 
 boots, and was immediately landed in the 
 hall at the foot of the stairs, with neatness 
 •nd despatch, attended in the transmission 
 with m )re bumps than he couhl count with 
 • Welib's adder, and lauding with a bang 
 like the liellgate explosi(m. 
 
 " Are yon nearly ready, Algernon ?" asked 
 the wife of his family sweetly, leaning over 
 the V)iiusters. 
 
 The unhappy man groaned. " Can't you 
 throw me down that other boot ?" he asked 
 
 Mrs. Man pityingly kicked ic down to 
 him. 
 
 " My valise?" he inquired, as he tugged 
 iiwav at the boot. 
 
 she 
 
 an- 
 
 " Up in your dressing room, 
 •wered. 
 
 ••Packed?" 
 
 '•J do not know ; unless you packed it 
 yours ■If. probably not," she replied, with 
 her hand on the door-knob ; I had barely 
 time to pack my own." 
 
 She was pass ing out of the gate when the 
 door opened, and he shouted: 
 
 '• Where in the name of goodness did you 
 put my vest? It has all my money in it!" 
 
 •' You throw it on the hat rack, " she 
 Oftlled back ; "good-bye dear.'' 
 
 Before she got to the corner of the street 
 •he was hailed as;aiii. 
 
 '• Eleanor! Eleanor! Eleanor Man! Did 
 you wear off my coat ?" 
 
 She paused and tviriM^d after signalling the 
 itreet car to stop, and cried, 
 
 '• Yoii threw it in the silver closet." 
 
 Ami the street car engulfed her graceful 
 figure and she was seen no more. But the 
 neighbours say that they heard Mr. Man 
 oharging up aud dawn the house, rushing out 
 at the front door every now and then, and 
 ■hrieking up the deserted streets after the 
 unconscious Mrs. Man, to know where his 
 kat was, aud where she put the valise key, 
 and if she had any clean socks and under- 
 ihirts, aud that there wasn't a linen collar 
 
 in the house. And when he went away at 
 la^t, he left the kitchen door, side door and 
 front door, all the down -stair windows and 
 the front gate wide open. And thelouniiers 
 around the depot were somewhat amused 
 just as the train was pulling out of sijht 
 down in the yards, to see a flushed, perspir- 
 ing man, with his hat on sideways, his vest 
 buttoned too buttons too high, his cuffs un- 
 buttoned and neck-tie flying and his grip- 
 sack flapping open and shut like a demented 
 shutter on a March night, and a door key in 
 his hand, dash wildly across- the platform and 
 halt in the midHle of the track, glaring' in 
 dejected, impotent, wrathful mortification, 
 at the departing train, and shaking his trem- 
 bling fist at a pretty woman, who was throw- 
 ing kisses at him from the rear platform of 
 the last car. 
 
 Driving the Cow. 
 Mr. Forbes is a nervous man, and it is not 
 surprising that when Mrs. Forbes told him 
 the cow li.id got out at the front gate, he was 
 &o startle I and annoyed that he made some 
 disjointed allusions to the scene of fieueral 
 Newton's dynamite explosions. A hen he 
 went out the cow was stamling very (juietly 
 in the street, just in front of the gate, idiew- 
 ing her cud, best navy, and looking as though 
 she were trying to think of something mean 
 to say. Mr. Forbes got around in front of 
 her, raised both his hands above his head, 
 and, extending his arms, waved them slowly 
 up and down, at the same time ejaculating, 
 "Shoo! shoo there. I say ! Shoo ! The cow 
 turned her cud over to the other side, and 
 gazed at the appari.'-ion in some astonii^h- 
 ment, and then began to back away and 
 m moBUvre to get around it. It is a remark- 
 able fact, which we have never heard Prof. 
 Huxley explain, that a cow is perfectly will- 
 ing to go in any direction save the one in 
 which you attempt to drive her. When the 
 cow bfigan to back, Mr. Forbes slowed up 
 with hia arms and assumed a more coixing 
 tone. When the cow started to make a flank 
 movement off to the right, Mr. Forbes keut 
 in front of her by sidling across in the same 
 direction, at the same time raising his voice 
 and accelerating the movement of his arms. 
 When the cow made several cautious diver- 
 sions and reconnoissances this way and that, 
 Mr. Forbes was compelled to keep up a kind 
 ofChinese cotillon, dancingtoand fro acrossthe 
 road, keeping time with his shuffling feet and 
 waving hands, and the children on their way 
 to school gathered in little groups on the 
 sidewalk aud viewed the spectacle with 
 great interest, alternately cheering the cow 
 and encouraging Mr. Forbes, as one side or 
 the other would gain a little advantage. 
 When the cow would make a short, de- 
 
VOICES OP THE NIGHT. 
 
 termined rash, c«aaing Mr. Forbes to scuttle 
 serosa the street, in *> perfect whirlwind of 
 dust and sticks uxd • rattling volley of 
 " Hi ! hooy ! shoo, there ! hoo-y !" the en- 
 thusiasm of the audience was unbounded. 
 Once, Mr. Forbes got the cow fairly cor- 
 nered and headed her right into the gate.. 
 but just as the gray light of victory fell 
 upon his uplifted face, Mrs. Forbes und the 
 hired girl came charging out in mad pur- 
 suit of a flock of geese that had taken ad- 
 vantage of the open gate to stroll in and 
 have a nip at the house plants on the back 
 porch. Squacking, whooping and scream- 
 ing, the flying geese and the pursuing column 
 came out like a runaway edition of chaos, 
 and the cow gave a snort of terror and 
 turned short upon Mr. Forbes, who tossed 
 his hands more wildly and shouted more 
 vociferously than ever, and got out of the 
 way with neatness and dispatch, just as the 
 cow went by with the swiftness of a golden 
 opportunity or a vagrant thought. Mr. 
 Forbes' blood was up, and he was bound to 
 head oflF that cow if it was in the power of 
 man. Spurred to intense energy, by the 
 derisive shouts of the children, he bent his 
 head and picked up his flying feet. They 
 got a pretty fair send ofif, Mr. Forbes and 
 the cow, and as they swept up the street, 
 they could look into each other's eyes and 
 glsue detiance while they spurned the dust 
 with flying feet. Mr. Forbes ran until his 
 eyes seemed bursting out of his head and 
 his very soul seemed to be in his legs; the 
 perspiration started out of every pore; evety 
 time he stiuck the ground witli his foot he 
 thought he felt the earth shake, and yet, 
 though he tugged and sweat and strained 
 until all the landscape was yellow hefore 
 his blood-shot eyes, he couldn't gain a hair's 
 breadth on the shambling, awkward cow 
 that went sprawling and kicking along l)y 
 his side, hlling the soft September air with 
 such a wild, tumultuous, horrible jangling 
 of bells that Forbes made up his mind to 
 throw the bell away the moment he got the 
 cow home. The people on the streets 
 sto{>ped and waved their hats and cheered 
 enthusiastically as the procession swept 
 past, liidits leaned out of the windows and 
 smiled sweetly on the man and cow alike. 
 Cuce Forbes stumbled over a crossing and 
 had to take strides twenty -three feet long 
 for the next half block to keep from falling, 
 and he was sure he was split clear up to the 
 chin and would have to button his trousers 
 ai'ouud his neck forever afterward, but he 
 wouldn't give in to a cow if he died for it. 
 At the next corner the cow turned off down 
 a side street; Forbes shot across the side- 
 valk for a short cut, and the next instant 
 he went crashing half way through a latticed 
 
 tree box. A street car driver stopped hia 
 car and assisted Mr. Forbes to a sittane 
 posture, leaned him up against a fence and 
 went on with his train. And as Mr. Forbes 
 sat in a dazed kind of way, mechanically 
 rubbing the dust and dirt off his coat and 
 pinning up long gashes and grimly grinning 
 aperture in his clothes, there came to his 
 ears the distant tinkle tankle of a far away 
 cow btll, the niellowe<l sound rising and 
 falling in tender cadences, with a dreamy, 
 swaying melody, as though the bell was 
 somewhere over in the adj(tinina county, and 
 the cow that wore it was waltzing along 
 over a country road a thousand miles • 
 minute. 
 
 Voices of the Night. 
 
 Mr. Joskii.s is not an old settler in Bur- 
 lington. He came to the city of magnificent 
 hills from Keokuk, aiid after looking around, 
 selected a rtsideuce out on West Hill, be- 
 cause it was in such a quiet locality, and 
 Mr. Joskins loves peace and seclusion. Itii 
 a rural kintl of a ntighbonjhood, and all of 
 Mr. Joskins' neighbours keep cows. And 
 every cow wears a bell. And with an in- 
 stinct worthy of the Peak family, each 
 neighbour had selected a cow bell of a dift'er- 
 ent key and tone from any of the others, in 
 order that hu ifiii.lit know the cow of his 
 heart from the other kine of the district. So 
 that Mr. Joskins' nights are lilled with music 
 of a rathtr wild, barbarous type, and the 
 lone starry hours talk nothing but cow to 
 him, and he has learned so exactly the tone 
 of every bell and the habits of each corres- 
 ponding cow that the voices of the uight are 
 not an unint(!Ui;;ible jargon to him, but they 
 are full of inttlligence, and he understands 
 them, it makes it much easier for Mr. Jos- 
 kins, who is a nervous man, than if he had 
 to listen and conjecture and wonder until he 
 was fairly wild, as the rest of us would have 
 to do. As it is, when the first sweet mo- 
 ments oi his slumber are bioken by a sol- 
 emn, ponderous, resonant 
 
 "Kaluni, kahim, ka-lum 1" 
 Mr. Joskins knows that the widow Barbery's 
 old crumple horn is going down the street 
 looking tr.r.iT; d^Tr.f: ort gatr, md h:- k> nwl- 
 edge is confirmed by a doleful "Ka-lum-pu- 
 lum ! " that occurs at regular intervals as 
 old crumple pauses to try each gate as she 
 passes it, for she knows that ajipearances are 
 deceitful, and that a boy can shut a front 
 gate in such a way as to thoroughly deceive 
 his father and yet leave every catch unfast- 
 ened. Then when Mr. Joi-kins is called up 
 from his. second doze by a lively serenade of 
 
 "To-link, to-lank, lank, lankle-inkle, 
 lankle-iukle-tekinleinkletelink, kink, kinkr 
 He kuows that Mr. Throop's young brindl* 
 
 t 
 
 is in Thr 
 
 tlewsite 
 of slippers 
 ap in l)ed 
 that Mr. 
 against 
 ■bed, thu 
 the noisef 
 s clod, a 
 when the 
 bring.s wii 
 waitc's re 
 kins' bedr 
 coustructi 
 applied ej 
 sud tinkl 
 through t 
 Mr. Jodki 
 sleep, he 
 noyeil, to 
 " Klan 
 Like tiie 
 a murder 
 waite's o 
 down to 1 
 anything 
 listens ti 
 it reaohet 
 medley o 
 him all 
 and the a 
 thai: on ti 
 " tinkle-1 
 down the 
 heaps, u 
 tankle " 
 cow skin 
 escort o 
 *' tringle 
 ding," o 
 the sidev 
 the sIkk 
 klank," 
 cracked i 
 o-oo-ali-D 
 lost tlie I 
 since ke] 
 supply 11 
 these CO' 
 they ar« 
 And altl 
 s quiet 1 
 portiinit 
 observat 
 gister a 
 will kee 
 so as to 
 will live 
 •nd mal 
 the pica 
 
stopped hia 
 
 to a sittung 
 
 a fence and 
 
 s Mr. Forb«8 
 
 nir( hanicuUy 
 
 his coat and 
 
 mly grinuing 
 
 came to his 
 
 f a far away 
 
 d rising and 
 
 th a dreamy, 
 
 he bell was 
 
 county, and 
 
 Itzing along 
 
 and miles • 
 
 lor in Bur- 
 f magnificent 
 king around, 
 ;st Hill, be- 
 locality, and 
 lusion. It is 
 , and all of 
 cows. And 
 Mitli an in- 
 Family, each 
 11 of a differ- 
 le others, in 
 e cow of his 
 district. So 
 d with music 
 {je, and the 
 but cow to 
 !tly the tone 
 each correa- 
 the ujoht are 
 im, but they 
 understands 
 for Mr, Job- 
 u if he had 
 ider until he 
 1 would have 
 st sweet mo- 
 sn by a 6ol- 
 
 »w Barbery's 
 vn the street 
 ('' }?;'" t' nwl- 
 Kalum-pu- 
 intervals as 
 I gate as she 
 earances are 
 shut a front 
 jhly deceive 
 atch un fast- 
 is called up 
 serenade of 
 Aiikle-inkle, 
 ?ink, kii.kr 
 ung brindle 
 
 TH£ DEMAND FOK LIGHT LABOUR. 
 
 is in ThfKigtlewaite'a garden, and that Thros- 
 tlewatte IS sailing around after her in a pair 
 of slippers and a few clothes. And by sitting 
 ap lu Ited Mr. Joskins can hear the things 
 that Mr. Throistlewaite is throwing strike 
 »gaiu.-«t the f iJe of the house and the wood- 
 shed, thud, spat, bang, and the character of 
 the noises tells him whether the missile was 
 a clod, a piece of board, or a brick. And 
 when the wind down the street is fair it 
 brings with it taint echoes of Mr. Throstle- 
 waitc's remarks, which bring into Mr. Jos' 
 kins' bedroom the odour of bad grammatical 
 construction aud wicked wishes and very ill- 
 applied epithets. Then when the final crash 
 and tinkle announce that the cow has bulged 
 through the front fence and got away, aud 
 Mr. Joskins' turns over to try aud get a little 
 sleep, he is not surprised, although he is an- 
 noyed, to be aroused by a sepulchral 
 
 "Khuik, klauk, klank !" 
 Like tiie chains on the old-fashioned ghost of 
 a murdered man, for lie knows it is Throstle- 
 waite's (dd duck-legged brown cow, going 
 down to the vacant lot on the corner to fight 
 anything thatgives milk. And he waits aud 
 listt-ns to the "klank, klank, klank," until 
 it reaches the corner, and a terrific din and 
 medley of all the cow bells on the street tell 
 him ail the skirmishers have been driven in 
 and the action has become general. Aud from 
 thau on till morning, Mr. Joskins hears the 
 " tinkle-tankie " of the little red cow going 
 down the alley to prospect amonj; the garbage 
 heaps, and the " rankle tan kle, rankle- 
 tankle " of the short-tailed black and white 
 cow skii luishing down the street ahead of an 
 escort of badly assorted dogs, and the 
 " tringle ile-ding, tringle-de-diug, ding, 
 ding," of the muley cow that goes along on 
 the siilewalk, browsing on the lower limbs ot 
 the shade trees, and the " klank, klank, 
 klank," of the tigliting cow, whose bell is 
 cracked in three places, and incessant "moo- 
 o-oo-ah-iih " of the big black cow that has 
 lost tiie clapper out of her bell and has evei 
 since kept up an unintennittent bellowing to 
 supply Its loss. Aud Mr. Joskins knows all 
 these cows by their bells, and he knows whai 
 they are doiug and where they are goiu^. 
 And althougu it has murdered his dreams ot 
 a quiet houiu, yet it has given him an op 
 portunity to cultivate habits of intelligeni 
 observation, and it has induced him to re 
 gister a vow that if he is ever rich enough ht 
 will keep nine cows, trained to sleep all day 
 so as to le ready for duty at night, aud ht 
 will live in the heart of the city with theiii 
 and make them wear four bells apiece just for 
 the pleasure of his neighbours. 
 
 The Demand for Light Lahonr. 
 
 One morning, just as the rush of house 
 cleaning days was beginning to abate, a 
 robust tramp called at a house on IJarues- 
 street, aud besought the iuinates to give him 
 something to eat, averring tuat h ' had not 
 tasted food for nine di^ys. 
 
 *• Why don't you g. > to work ? " asked the 
 lady to whom lie prtterred his petition. 
 
 " Work ! " he ejaculated. " Work 1 And 
 what have I been di«iug ever since tiio mid- 
 dle of May but hunting work ? VV lio will 
 give me work? When di<l 1 evtr refuse 
 work ? ' 
 
 " Well," said the woman, ' I gue&s I can 
 give you some employineut. V\ liat can you 
 
 ! '■ he shouted, in a kind ui 
 "Anything that any man 
 
 "Anything 
 delirious joy. 
 
 can do. I'm sick for something to dy at. 
 Why, only yesterday 1 worked ail day, 
 cariying water in an old sieve from Flint 
 Kiver and emptying if into the Mi.-r.issippi, 
 just because 1 was so tired of having nothing 
 to do, that I had to work at someinuiLi or I 
 would have gone ravin' crazy. I'll Uo any- 
 thing;.', from cleaning hou.ie lo building a 
 steauiboat. Jest give me work, ina'am, an' 
 you'll never huar me usk for liread ajiin. 
 
 The lady was pleased at the willingness 
 and anxiety of this industrious man to do 
 something, and she leil him to inc wood 
 pile. 
 
 "Here,'" she said, •• vou can Jti.v and 
 split this wood, and if you arc a j:""<l, in- 
 dustrious worker, I will lind work tor you 
 to <lo, nearly all winter." 
 
 "VVell, now," said the tiamp, wliile a 
 look of disappoiiitineiit sioie over his face, 
 "that's just my luck. (July thice days ago 
 I was piulin' a blind cow out of sx well for a 
 poor widow woman who had notluu' in the 
 world but thiit cow to hupport her, an' I 
 spraint my right wrist till 1 hain't l>ten able 
 to lift a jxiiiud with It siiiL;::. You km jest 
 put your hand on it now and ftcl it throb, 
 it s so painful and intiamed. I could jest cry 
 oi disappointment, but its a l.d'ie fact, 
 ma'am, that 1 couldn't lift that axe ab(jve 
 my head ef I died fur it, anil I'd jest as lief 
 let you pull my arm out oy mu n,ot« u;* >.r. 
 try to pull that saw through a lath, .iest set 
 me at someilung 1 kin uo, thouuli, it you 
 want to see the dust fly." 
 
 "■Very well," said the lady, " ilun you 
 can take these flower beds, which have been 
 very much lugiected, and weed tiiem very 
 carefully for me. You can do that with your 
 weil hand, but 1 want you to be very par- 
 icular with them, and get them very cle^a, 
 and not injure any of the plants, for they are 
 very choice aud 1 am very proud of them." 
 
 1'he look of disappointment that had been 
 
84 
 
 MASTER BILDERBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL. 
 
 cliascil iiway from the iiuhistrious man's face 
 wlioii lii> s.-iw :i prospoi't of soiiietliiim elso to 
 do. ivriio b.v.'k ilot'pcr tlian oviT :V9 tlio hu\y 
 dosi'iilioii the m>« j(>!>, iiii'i \\ Ikmi sIu> con- 
 chiacil, lit- hail to rom;iiu (juiot for a moment 
 bofori' h'' ooiilil control his iiui>t;oii anfliouuit- 
 ly to ajuMk. 
 
 "If 1 .vin t tho most oiifnrtnit iiiait in 
 Anicriliv." hi' siij;hoil. " I'm jest »lvm' for 
 work, orMzy to got .somothin' to do. ar\.l I'm 
 bhH'ki'ti out of work at I'v^ry ttirn. 1 jest 
 lovo to work !>mong Mowors ami dig in the 
 ground, lint. I iiovor dassoiit do ir fm I'm jost 
 bine ruin ,ru.)ng tho posii-s. Nol).idy ovor 
 oai'od ; .1 tivuh nii' .inythin aoiuit tl.nvoraand 
 it*!* a ti'ispt'I truth, nKi'ani, 1 oan't tell a vio- 
 lot from ,1 sniitlowor nor;» red rose from a dog 
 fennel. Last plaee 1 tried togit work at, vv«>- 
 man of thi> lionse set me to \vo:k weiMlin' tlio 
 p.n-ilo'i, 'in' I wioke 1 ahout .leouple of lionra. 
 in(Ui:-", r.ius glad to get work, now ymi het, 
 and I imlled up every last livin' greiMi thing 
 intii.i' \ af 1. Hope I , may die ef I didn't. 
 Pulled u't ill tho grass, ovory Made if it. 
 Fai't. I'ldled up a vine wuUi seventy live 
 ilolli->;. tiiat had roots reaehiu" el'ai- under 
 the eellar and into tluMUstern, .and 1 yanked 
 'em ■ • dit up, every til)re of 'cm. NN'oman 
 was so heart hroko when she >Mme out ami 
 see t' r \ atd just as hare as the tloor of a 
 briek \ard that they had to put her to bed. 
 Bible's ';uth. tiiey tjid. ma'am : and 1 had to 
 Work \<n- that house tiire" months lor notliin' 
 »ml lin.l m\ board, to pay fur the djiniage 1 
 «lon' Hope to die ef I didn't, .lest gimine 
 suthin' i kiiiito, I'll show you hat work is. 
 but I \\-ouMu't dure to go foolin' around no 
 lltnvrrs. N"oti've got a kind heart ma'am, 
 gimnu' sorie work ; don't send a deapairin' 
 man avvav .ungry fm- wiuk" 
 
 '"Wvll," riu> l.ady said, "yon ean beat my 
 caipi'ts for nio. 'I'liey ha\t' jtist been taken 
 up, and vou ean beat *l,ein tlioroiiudily. and 
 by. the Mn\e they .are done, 1 will iijivt" aonu'- 
 thiiii; (>lse ready for you " 
 
 Till' man nu.de a gesture of despair and 
 sat do-v \ on the grouinl, the picture of abjeet 
 helple •iiies'* ami disajipointed asjiii^ations. 
 
 " Look at me now," heexelaimed " What 
 is goin to lieei>uu' o' m(> ? i)id you ever see 
 K man so down on his luek like me? 1 tell 
 you ma'am, you must give mesonuMhin' lean 
 do. I w ouldn't no more daro to tt'eh them 
 o.arp(>ts Mian uothin' in tho Morld 1 d 
 
 ti'ar 'eni to pieee.s. I'm a awfid hard hit- 
 tor, an' file last, time 1 beat any earpets was 
 for a woman out at t'reston, and { jtiat 
 W«'lt'-i| them earpets into strim;s and 
 carpet vt\\:», I oouldn't help it. I 
 CHu't hold in my strength.* I m too 
 |llad to g<>t to work, that's tno tronlili> with 
 nu\ ma'am, it's a Bible fact. I'll bent them 
 carpets, if you say no, but I won't bo rcspou- 
 
 sible fur 'om ; no niakiu' mo work for uothin' 
 fur rivo or six weeks to pay fur tearia 'cm 
 into slits yer know. I'll go at 'em if youll 
 say the word and take the rosp 'usibility, bnt 
 the fact is, 1 am too hard a wi>' ker to gu 
 foolin' arouitd oarpots. that's just what I 
 am." 
 
 The l.uly oxeusod the energi tn- worker 
 from going at tho carpets, bnt was ptizzled 
 what to set him at. I'^inally xhe asked him 
 what there was he would like to do and eeald 
 do, with safety to himself and t'o' woik. 
 
 " Well, now," he said, " that's eoi.siderit 
 in ye. 'rii.vt's real eonsid.erit. ami I'll take a 
 liold and do something that'll give yi th« 
 wuth of V'uir money, and won't give me ih> 
 ohanee to destroy nothiji' by workin' ton hard 
 at ir. If ye'll jest kindly fet«'h me out a 
 roekin' chair, I'll set down in f'e ■'h \ '■• and 
 keep the cows front liftiu' the latch of tht 
 front gate- and gettin' iuti> t h«' yard. An' I'll 
 do it well ainl I'ldy charge you reisonalile 
 for it, fur the fact, is I'm so di.ad er.i/.y fur 
 work tlinr it isn't big pay I want .m> mueh iH> 
 a steady job. " 
 
 .\!id wlieii he was rejected an. I -^ent forth,* 
 jobless and breakfast less, to wander ii,i ami 
 down the col. i, unfeeling woiM !m search of 
 work, he cast stones at the Inuisc iind said, in 
 dejected tones. 
 
 " There, i-ow, th.'it's just tl.e \\a\ . They 
 
 callus a bad hd., ami say we'ie la.'y p.nd 
 
 tliieves, and wiui't work, when .-t leller is 
 
 ' just crazy to work and nob(.il\ woi 't give 
 
 , him narv job that he kin do Wmu t work I 
 
 ! I^and alive, they won't givi' u.- work, an' 
 
 when we want lo an' try to, Ic y wmi't. let 
 
 lis. Thoie .iin't a man in .VnnriUy i hfit 'ml 
 
 work as bard aii' as stiddy 'S I would if 
 
 they'd gimme a chance." 
 
 Master Bllderback Returns to School. 
 
 \\ e remember one day l.isf ^ummii', duf- 
 iiiL' the long v.u'aiion, when the lln'i'kfy* 
 published a news item stating that a boy 
 named Bilderl'ack had fallen fioin these.itof 
 a rejiiiing machiiic, and got t ut to pices, a 
 patient, wear> looking, and ratiu' hambomt 
 young lady culled at the utlice, aid aoptvired 
 to tie vtiy an.xious t<i have that it» in \ciitied. 
 .\nd whin we gave her all possil U assur- 
 ance thai everything appearing in th.it great 
 and good paper, the llauk<-iit\ was i eci ssar- 
 ily true, sio' dicw a deep ^•'g!' •t n bef .-ind 
 said she flit acMially thinkiiil Aw wouldn't 
 have that \ioy to ibnioralize tbe school thtt 
 next term. .Viid then she siiiile ,s\«eetly. 
 and tli.aiikcd us for our assiiriig words, and 
 went away. 
 
 Imagine her dismay, then, ab' nt ihethinl 
 or fou'th day of the fall term, whei' a terrifi* 
 cheering in the yard, about ten minute* 
 before bchool time, drew hei to the window, 
 
MASTER HILDEHBACK RETURNS TO SCHOOL. 
 
 a» 
 
 k for nothin' 
 ir tfiiriii 'om 
 I'm ir' youll 
 >>;il>ility. but 
 iM' Uor to gu 
 list wlijit 1 
 
 itu- wtirkor 
 
 was [nizzled 
 
 I' :isU('.i him 
 
 li> and I'dald 
 
 1' \Vi>;k. 
 
 '■< i'i«ii.si(li>rit 
 
 u\ I'll takeA 
 
 civf yi th« 
 
 I'ivc mo iH> 
 
 vin' t.iu hard 
 
 li me out H 
 
 <' -!i V ■'•' and 
 
 laioh ..f tht 
 
 r.l. Am' I'll 
 
 I ri'isonahle 
 
 111 cia/.y fur 
 
 ) M> iiiut'h iia 
 
 1 -^I'lit forth,' 
 
 ii<i«'r 11,1 iuni 
 
 '.1 X •I'ch of 
 
 .'iiul ,-< aiil, iu 
 
 \\a\. They 
 f la.-y p.ihI 
 
 a idler ia 
 
 wor't give 
 '"II t work 1 
 - \> "ik, Ml' 
 
 y >\' n't, l»»t 
 '>y 'iiat 'u(l 
 
 I Mould if 
 
 School. 
 Mimi r, du»- 
 It' Ihi'i'kvy 
 lliat a hoy 
 
 1 tliO St'jitof 
 
 to |iio.'us, » 
 ' liainUomt 
 il ai'iuvire*! 
 
 in \ iiitied. 
 'I I i« a^sur- 
 
 lliat great 
 N I I'd ssar- 
 
 •1 ,(• -uul 
 I" M I'niiln't 
 
 "I'liool th« 
 
 s" fi'tly. 
 
 ivonis, and 
 
 I the thirtl 
 '• ft lt'irifl« 
 I Miinutm 
 e wiiniow, 
 
 whem-o looking down, she saw evory last 
 •t. itaiy lingonng boy in that solionl liistvict 
 dAUoing ami yoUing about Mastor Hihlorlwu-k, 
 who was (laiu'ing highor and singing lou<lor 
 tban any oih« r boy in the oauons, Hi'r 
 heart »ank within her ; but slio l>iaci'd up 
 Mid \>ont ilowu stairii to (|nit't the boillani, 
 uid in ti>e niiirito8 Icarmnl the dreadful 
 truth. Master Bildorbaek had met witli a 
 reaping marliino aoeident, but tlie papers 
 h^il re|i.irti'.i it inoorreeHy. lie had climbed 
 into tlie seat tlie ni'Murnt his uiu'le. on v.hose 
 f»rni lie was spt-nding t iio va.'ation, got. d()wn. 
 Hepro idod one of the horses witli a pin in the 
 #nd of a stick, and nnidc the (cam run avvay. 
 The terrilie 1 animals ran the macliine over 
 twenty stumpsauil m:ished itt(> pioi-es; one of 
 the horses ran a!.^aiu.sta In ilge stake and was 
 killed, and I lie other jumpcil »)!)' a bridge and 
 broke a le:4 ; Master UilderbacU's uncle, chas- 
 ing alter tlu' llyingteam, haddasiicil through 
 a liornet's nest, and tlio sociable little insects 
 oanie .>M' ami sat down on iiim totalk it over, 
 until his Ilea 1 was swelled as bikj aa a nail- 
 keg and Ic' c ouldu't opi n his eyes for a week; 
 % farm hand, wlio tried to atop the horses by 
 nisliiogout in frojitof them, was hit by Ihe 
 toULMie of the reaper and kno-ked into the 
 middle of an (.)sagt> orange hedge, where ho 
 ituek I'or ihreehoiirs, and tost his voice by 
 toreamiiig, and was scraped to the bone 
 when I hey linally pulled him out with grap- 
 pling ho iks And Mastor 'blderbaek, the 
 »uthor of all this ealamity, was (hr'Wii from 
 bis seat at the tirst st\imp and fell on a shock 
 ©fgram, .nd wasn't jarred or brviised or 
 ■orateho I a pirticle. .Vol ihat niglit, wIomi 
 bia annt h;i".led hisbbmled uncle the lialter 
 ■t'Ap. anil hold Mastci- i^ilderback in front of 
 bini to re eive nnriteil eastigation, that 
 graeelcss y.mng wretch seized his annt 
 around the n.'ck after the tirst blow, and, 
 Wheeliig licr into liis place, Inld her tliere, 
 drowuin ; her piercing explanations and (dead- 
 IngH in Ills own tumultuous, Init deceilfnl. 
 bowlings ;nnl roarings, until her back looked 
 Uko a w;n map, and Ihe exiianstrdtincle laid 
 down Ihe .';tiap witl\ the remark that he 
 "guessed l;iat would leacli iiim somelhing. " 
 And so tic teai'her, \\ hen she sa\\' Master 
 Bililerliai'k at schonlag.ain, felt wciry of life, 
 and sighed t ■• rest her deej) in the silent 
 grave if she could find onethat was for rent, 
 and (iidn't cost more than a ipiarter's sa- 
 lan'. 
 
 It being the young man's (iistilay at school 
 that tirm, he was f.'elii\g pretty well, thank 
 you. Heliad a liuht and a half befme tiie 
 bell rang ; the half light beuig an nnsrecess 
 ful attempt on his part to ptill enough iiair 
 out of the buck of another boy's head to stulT 
 amrttiesH. and a highly successfu' effort on 
 the part of the other boy to elaw euough hide 
 
 off Maator Bilderback's nose to make a pair 
 of boots of, at which discouragingstiui' ottht 
 war Master H. tbew off his fnrces, and m ,<. 
 conciliatory spirit •nt'ornicd the audience t i\at 
 he w,is only in fun. Then, bcfoie the open- 
 ing exeicises were half through, three iioys 
 in his neighhonrhood rose up in their st-ats, 
 and with bitter wails began feeiing about in 
 their persons f.>r intrusive pins. Winn tho 
 lirst class tiled out to it.s place, the cii cling 
 urin told (lie anxious teaiher tliat M.ister 
 MilderbaiK Innl inked the end of his nose. 
 Then he induced the boy next to hun ti> ban 
 his head back .vuiiinst the w;dl. just as Mas- 
 ter \\. did ; and wiien fli;it i'omi>laisant boy 
 was suddenly called on to rise and recite, he 
 lifted up his voice and wept, for he iiad 
 pulled .'I piece of slioemaker's wax ;'nd .-ihout 
 two inches of blackboard slating and pijcNier 
 out of the Willi witli hi.s biick h.-vir. Then he 
 spread out till' tad ol another l>oy s coat on 
 the seat, ami piled aliitl" pyramid of Imek- 
 shot on it; ami when tlie boy stood up to 
 lecite, he waswalt/i'd out on tlie floor — 
 batlied in innoecnt tea;:' and protestin." hit 
 innocence- for thiowiu'; shot in the lli)or. 
 and was told that he was growing wo'se than 
 that Hihlerback lioy. He lied the ends of a 
 girl's sash aiouiul the back of her ehiiir. and 
 \\ hen she tried to stand np she w;is abiirst 
 jerked out of existence. Me was sent out 
 « ilh .a boy who was taken with the nose 
 bleed, ■ind found ocvasioti to mix ink in tlip 
 water lie poured en the sutl'i'rei'a hands ; so 
 that, on his return, the sufVerer's .uificaranee 
 created such howls of derision that it si a' ted 
 the nose-bleed afnsh and threw the I'ailier 
 into hystirirs. Ileeiitiicd a gaint hound 
 into the gill's side of the yard, and clapping 
 a patent clotiiespin on one of its pendent e u'9, 
 raised the alarm of "mal dog!" and langlied 
 till he choked to see the howliiur aminal 
 rushing aroui.d trying to paw the riot lies pin 
 j otV ; wtiile the sh'.ieking giils wreekcii them- 
 selves in desperate and freipieiitly .^-iiccess- 
 I ful attempts lo climb ovi'r an ei-iit foot 
 I fence, lie jiut a piiichim; bug as big as a 
 I postaue-stamp down a lioy's back, lie got a 
 long slate-pencil erossways in h'smontli. and 
 it nearly ]>oked through his » lioeks hi'fore 
 tliey could break it and get it out. lie tosa- 
 I ed a big anph' hard as a rock, out of ihe 
 third story MinilovN at random, and it ^lluck 
 ! an old ladv in the i'\e as Nhe was \v,di,ing 
 ' along iidmiiint: the building; ami she cimv 
 I U|> and gave the poor tortured teacher ;i piece 
 j of liec mind as lonjif as the ilogdays. He 
 dropped into the water-bucket a lot of oxalic 
 acid, that had been brought to take some ink 
 splotehos out of tlie floor, and name withiu 
 one of poisoning the whole school before they 
 ftuind it out'; and, (in.-illy, he poked a bi'an 
 BO far up hia uoae that they thought it was 
 
26 
 
 ODE TO AUTUMN. 
 
 coming out of his eye ; and the happy 
 teacher dismissed him, thoroughly frightened 
 for t he first time ia his eventful life, and he 
 ran like a race-horse all the way home, cry- 
 ing louder at every step, r nd never stopped 
 to call a name or throw a stone. 
 
 Ode to Autumn. 
 
 AFTER TENNYSON. 
 
 The sPab-ihoppcr creaks in the leafy gloom, 
 And the bumble-bee bumbleth the live long 
 •lay; 
 But tlie mathcringnurks in the bran new broom. 
 And bushed is the sound of the buzz saw's 
 play. 
 
 Oh, it's little he thinks of the cold mince pie. 
 And it's Utile he seeks f the raw ice cream; 
 
 For I he djing old year with its tr muloussigh. 
 Shall waken the lingering loon from bis 
 dream. 
 
 Ob list ! For the cricket, now far, now near. 
 
 f ull shrilif iilly sinifeth his niundelay ; 
 Whi.e the iiej^ligent noodle his noisy cheer 
 
 bcreeps wliere ibe noodl - bug eats the hay. 
 
 Oh, the buzz saw so bnzzily buzzeth the slick 
 And buinblin;<the bumble-bee bumbleth his 
 tune, 
 Willie c hit cricket cricks crickingly down at the 
 creek 
 Whi e the noodle noods noodingly, " Ha! It 
 it is noon!" 
 
 The dog fennel sighs, "She is herd she is 
 hcri'l" 
 And the smart weed says dreamily "Give us 
 a rest!" 
 The hop vine breathes tenderly, "Give us u 
 bjor!" 
 While the jimson weed hollers, "Oh, pull 
 uowu your vest!" 
 
 Oh^ Anna Maria, why don't you come home? 
 
 For the clock .in the steeple strikes seven or 
 
 eight ; 
 ^^ ..y down in llie mazy mazourka the gloam 
 Is glo.uuing iis gluamiiigeat gloam on the 
 
 gate. 
 
 The Sorrow on the Poor. 
 It was a jioor, dejected looking tramp, who 
 caijic limping wearily into town on the Fort 
 Madison road, and, with the instinct of his 
 class, made his way directly tov.ard Main- 
 BtieiL, wiierc stimulants and company are 
 most luimerous. He had a very tired look, 
 and hi^ no'.rly °1>.w) feet secmod to \vci-;h a 
 ton a piece. Tlie sim liad burned his face to 
 a deeper brown tiian even the knotty hands 
 that swung listli sdy at his side. He did not 
 even carry tiic inevitable stick ; and the 
 little bundle, without which the tramp's out- 
 fit is never ccmiplete, although heaven only 
 knows what is m it, was swung from his 
 BlmuideiB by a heavy twine string, like a rude 
 knapsack. No man is alive now that wore 
 clothes when the hat he wore was made. It 
 was a fearful and wonderful hat, and at- 
 tracted more attention than anything he had 
 
 on or about him. He limped along Main- 
 street from Locast, diving into private 
 houses in occasional forays tor bread, which 
 were generally successful, for his poor, de- 
 jected, sorrowful looking face threw a great 
 deal of silent eloquence into his pleading, 
 and the women could not bear to send the 
 low-voiced man away hungry. These forayR 
 were varie<i by occasional dives into places 
 of refreshment, where he vainly pleaded for 
 a small allowance of ardent spirits for a 
 sick man ; the general result being that he 
 was courteously refused and gently but firm- 
 ly kicked out by the urbane barkeeper, who 
 saw too many of him every day to be much 
 proved. The poor fellow limped along till he 
 got a little above Division-street, wlien he 
 had to pass a knot of young men, and one 
 of them a smart looking young chap, in a 
 very gamey costume, and carrying a broad 
 pair of shoulders and a bullet head, sur- 
 mounted with a silver-gray plug hat, hung 
 on his right ear, sang out, 
 
 " Oh, shoot the liat !" 
 
 The poor tramp only looked more dejected 
 than ever, if possible, and shook his head 
 meekly ami sorrowfully, and limped on. 
 But the young sport shouted after lum : 
 
 " (Jomc back, young fellow, and see how 
 you'll trade hats I" 
 
 The outcast paused and half turned, and 
 said in mournful tones : 
 
 "Don't niiiko j^ame of a onfortnit man, 
 young gentis. I'm poor and I'm sick, but 
 I've the fcelin'a of a man, an' I km feel it 
 when I'm made game of. If you could give 
 me a job of work, now — " 
 
 A chorus of laughter greeted the sug- 
 gestion, ami the smartot young man repeated 
 las challenge to trade liats, and finally in- 
 duced the mendicant to limp back. 
 
 "Take oH' your hat," saiil tlie young man 
 of Burlington, "and lot's see whoso make it 
 is. If it isn't Stetson's, I won't trade." 
 
 "Ull, that's Sletsdii's," chorused the 
 crowd. " lie wouldn't wear auy thing but a 
 first-class hat." 
 
 But the tramp replied, trying to limp 
 away from the circle that was closing aiouna 
 him. 
 
 " Indeed, yniaig ^euta, don't bi; haul on a 
 onfortnic man. 1 don't believe I couhl git 
 that fiat ott'n my liead ; I ilon't iiuleed. I 
 haint had it off fur mor'n two mouths, indeed 
 I haiut. I don't believe I kin git it off at all. 
 Please let me go on. " 
 
 But the unfeeling young mea 
 crowded around him more closely and 
 insisied that the hat should come off, 
 and tLe smartest young man in the company 
 said he'd pull it offibr him. 
 
 " Indeed, youug gent," replied the tramiL 
 apologetically, " I don't believe you ouuia 
 
 am. 
 
MR. GEtliOLllAN LOSES HIS DOO. 
 
 along Main- 
 ito private 
 read, which 
 lis poor, de- 
 irew a great 
 ia pleading, 
 to send the 
 These forayti 
 into places 
 pleaded for 
 pirits for a 
 ing tliat he 
 ly but tirm- 
 ceeper, who 
 tu be much 
 along till he 
 when he 
 en, and one 
 chap, in a 
 ing a broad 
 head, sur- 
 hat, hung 
 
 Dre dejected 
 )k hi» head 
 limped on. 
 r him : 
 ind see how 
 
 turned, and 
 
 (irtnit man, 
 n Biol(, bnt 
 I km feel it 
 I cuuld i^ive 
 
 1 the 8Ug- 
 
 an repeated 
 I finuily in- 
 
 L. 
 
 young man 
 [)so make it 
 trade. " 
 nruscd the 
 Lhing but m 
 
 ig to limp 
 iing around 
 
 J Lai d ou a 
 I cuuld git 
 indeed. I 
 ths, indeed 
 it oH' at all. 
 
 ng men 
 
 luHely and 
 
 oonie ofl^ 
 
 i company 
 
 the tramOk 
 you coula 
 
 ffit it off. It's been on ao long, I don't be- 
 Uteve you kin git it off ; I don't really." 
 
 The young man advanced and made a mo- 
 tion to jerk off the hat, but the tramp limp- 
 ed back and threw up his hands with a 
 clumsy frightened gesture. 
 
 " Come young gents," he whined, "don't 
 play games on a poor fellow as is lookin' for 
 the county hospital. I tell ye, young gents, 
 I'm a sick man, I am. I'm on the tramp 
 when I ought to be in bed. I can t hardly 
 stand, and 1 haiut got the strength to be 
 fooled with. Be easy on a poor " 
 
 But the sporting young man cut him off 
 with "Oh, give us a rest and take off that 
 hat." And tiien he made a pass at the poor 
 sick man's hat, but his hand met the poor, 
 sick tramp's elbow instead. And then the 
 
 Eoor man lifted one of his hands about aa 
 igh as a derrick, and the next instant the 
 silvtr-gray plug hat was crowded so far down 
 on the young man's shoulders that the pointu 
 of tlie dog's eared collar were sticking up 
 through the crown of it. And then the poor 
 sick man tried his otlier hand, and part of 
 the crowd started ott' to help pick the young 
 man out of a show window where he was 
 staiidin:^ on his head, while the rest of the 
 congregation was trying ita level best to get 
 out of the way of the poor sick tramp, who 
 was feeling about him in a vague, restless 
 sort of way that made the street lamps rattle 
 every tinif he found anybody. Long before 
 any one could interfere the convention had 
 adjourned sine die, and the poor tramp, limp- 
 ing oi\ his way, the very persouiKcation of 
 wretcliedness, sighed as he remarked apolo- 
 getically to the spectators : 
 
 " I tell you, gents, I'm a sick man ; I'm 
 too sick to feel like foolin'; I'm just so sick 
 that when I go gropin around for aomethin' 
 to lean up agin, I can't tell a man from a 
 hitchin' post ; I can't actually, and when I 
 rub agin anybody, nobody hadn't ought to 
 feel hai d at me. I'm sick, that's what I 
 am." 
 
 Mr. Gerolman Loses His Dog. 
 
 Mr, Gerolman stood ou the frout porch of 
 his comfortable home on West Hill, one 
 "lorrn;^ looking out at the dr zzling rain in 
 anything but a comfortable frame of mind. 
 He looked up and down the yard, and then 
 he raised liis umbrella and went to the gate 
 and looked up and down the street. Ihen 
 he whistled iira very shrill manner three or 
 four times, and listened as though he whs ex- 
 pecting a response. If he was, he was dis- 
 appointed, for there was no response save tiie 
 pattering ot the rain on hia umbrella, and he 
 frowned heavily aa he returned to the porch, 
 from which sheltered post of obaervatton he 
 gloomily surveyed the dispiriting weather. 
 
 " Dag gone the dag gone brute," he mut- 
 tered savagely, " if ever I keep another dog 
 again, I hope it will eat me up. " 
 
 And then he whistled again. And again 
 there was no response. It was evident that 
 Mr. Gerolman liad lost his dcg, a beautiful 
 ashes of roses hound with seal brown spots 
 and soft satinhnish ears. He was » 
 valuable dog, and this was the third 
 time he had been lost, and Mr. 
 Gerolman was rapidly losing his temper as 
 completely as he had lost his dog. He lifted 
 his voice and called aloud : 
 
 "H'yuh-h-h Ponto ! h yuh Ponto! hyuhp 
 onto ! h'yup' onto, h'yup onto, h'yuponto, 
 h yuponto ! h'yup, h yup, h'yup ! " 
 
 As he ceased calling, and looked anxiously 
 about for some indications of a dog, the 
 front door opened and a woman's face, shad- 
 ed with a tinge of womanly anxiety and fast- 
 ened to Mrs. Gerolman's head, looked out. 
 
 " The children call him Hector," a low 
 sweet voice said for the wistful, pretty face; 
 but the bereaved master of the absent dog 
 was in no hunioiir to be charmed by a beau- 
 tiful face and tiute-like voice. 
 
 "By George," he said, striding out into 
 the rain and purposely leaving his umbrella 
 on the porch to make his wife feel bad, "it's 
 no wonder the dog gets lost, when he don't 
 know himself. By Jacks, when 1 give 
 eleven dolJ.irs for a dog, 1 want the privilege 
 of naming him, and the next person about 
 this house that tries to fasten an old pagan, 
 Indian, blasphemous name on a dog of mine, 
 will hear from me about it ; now tliat's all." 
 
 And then iie inflated his lungs and yelled 
 like a scalp hunter. 
 
 Here, Htctor ! here. Hector! here rector, 
 hyur. Hector, hyur rec, h'yurrec, k'yurrec, 
 k'yurrec, k'yuriec ! (iodfrey's confial, 
 Where's that dog gone to? H'yupimto, 
 h'yupont ! h'yup, li'ynp, h'yup ! 1 hope 
 he's poisoned — h yurrector ! By George 1 do; 
 h'yuh Fiuito, good dog, Ponty, Ponty, Ponty, 
 h'yuh Pont ! I'd give fifty dollars if some- 
 one liad strychnined the nasty, worthless, 
 lop-eared ciir ; liyurree, k'yurecu ! By granny, 
 I'll kill him when he conies home, il i don't 
 I hope to die; h'yuh Ponto, h'yuh Ponto, 
 h'ljur Hkc ! ! " 
 
 And as he turned back to the porch the 
 door again oj^cued and the tremulous voice 
 sweetly asked : 
 
 "Can't you find him?" 
 
 " Naw ! ! I " roared the exasperated dog- 
 hunter, and the door closed very precipitate- 
 ly and was opened no more durrig tiie ses- 
 sion. 
 
 " Here, Ponto 1 " roared Mr. Gerolman, 
 from his position on the porcii, " Here Hec- 
 tor !" And then he whistled until his head 
 swam and his throat was so dry you could 
 
28 
 
 8INGULAB TRANSFORMATION. 
 
 f ■ 
 
 I . 
 
 light a match in it. "Here Ponto I Blast 
 the il(»g. I suppose he's twenty-five miles 
 from here. Hector 1 What are you lookin' 
 »t, you gimlet-eyed old Bedlamite?" he 
 gavagcly growled, apostrophizing a 8weet- 
 fac^ed old lady with silky white hair, who 
 had just looked out of her window to see 
 wliere the (ire was, or who was being mur- 
 dered. "Here. Ponto ! here, Ponto ! Good 
 do!»i;ie, iiiiie old Pontie, nice old Heckie dog 
 — Oh-h-h, " he snarleil, dancing up and dowu 
 on tlie porch in an ecstacy of rage and im- 
 patience, "I'd like to tramp tlie ribs out of 
 the loni^-legged worthless old garbage-eater ; 
 her<', l^ontn, liere l" 
 
 To ilia amazement he heard a canine yawn, 
 a lonj.'-'irawn, weaz-y kind of a whine, as of a 
 doii who was bored to death with the dismal 
 weather ; then there was a scraping sound, 
 anii the ilog, creeping out fnmi under the 
 porrili, from under his very feet, looked va- 
 cantly around as though he wasn't quite 
 Bure but what he h'ld heard some one 
 callini: him, and then catching sight of his 
 master, sat down and thumped on the ground 
 with his tail, smiled pleasantly, and asked 
 as plainly as ever dog asked in the world, 
 
 " Were yon calling me ? " 
 
 Mr. lierolman, f >r one brief instant, 
 gas()ed for breath. Then • he pulled his 
 hat down tight on his head, snatched 
 up his umbrella with a convulsive gras^) and 
 yelliid " C)ine ere !" in such a terriric roar 
 that the white-haired old lad}- across the way 
 fell ba.^k in a fit, and the <lng, snrmisingthat 
 all was not well, brietly remarked that he 
 had an engagement to meet somebody about 
 fift y ei;zlit reet under the house, and shot 
 under the porch like a sliooting dog- star. 
 Mr. (ierolnian made a dash vo intercept him. 
 but stumbled over a flower stand and plunged 
 throngli a honey-suckle trellis, off the pnrch, 
 and down into a raging volcano of moss-rose 
 bush, straw, black dirt, shattered umbrella 
 rilis. ati'l a uVnquitous hat, while far under 
 the h luse, deep in the cavernous darkness, 
 came thi; mocking lau^/h of an ashes of roses 
 dog wi^h seal brown spots, accompai ied by 
 the tauutiug remark, as nearly as Mr. Geroi- 
 man .'ould understand the dog, 
 " Wlio hit him ? Which way did he go?" 
 
 Singular Transformation. 
 Tt :i])pe:ir,s that (hiring vauatirm Master 
 Bild.iliark. having f.dlen behind m his 
 ■tudii s list term, was coinpelled by his ma 
 to read Iiih tcliool liooks certain hours of the 
 day, mit 1 he tscaiied that t/ranny by going 
 out to h:H uncle Ke;,ser'« farm, jii order to 
 make hiii study as light as possible, this in- 
 
 Senious hoy had dissected, or rather skinned 
 is books, and neatly inserted in their covers 
 oertaiu works of the most thrilling character 
 
 known in modern literature. When k* 
 came back from the farm this transforn'ation 
 business had entirely escaped his memory, 
 and it was not even recalled when he heard 
 his mother tell the teacher, who called in 
 the hopes of learning that that .bean had 
 sprouted and grown into his brain and would 
 probably terminate fatally, that he was th* 
 best boy to study during vacation she ever 
 saw, and would pore for hours over hifl 
 books, and even seem anxious to get at them. 
 Master Bilderback had forgotten all aboot 
 it, and only thought it was some of his 
 mother's foolishness, of which he believed 
 her to possess great store. As for the bean, 
 the amazed teacher learned that it never 
 wan discove.ed, it never came out and it 
 never hurt him a particle, and had just 
 naturally ceased to be. And the teacher 
 went sadly away, moralizing over this case, 
 and that of little Ezra Simpson, the best and 
 most obedient, and most studious, and quiet- 
 est, and moat lovable boy in her school who, 
 one day stumbled and ran the end of a slat* 
 pencil into his nose and died the next day. 
 And long, long after she had got out of sight 
 of Bilderback's house, she could hear ths 
 hopeful Master Bihhrback shouting, "Shoot 
 that hat !" and " Pull down your vest !"' to 
 gentlemen driving, with their families or 
 sweethearts, past the mansion. Dreadful 
 boy, she thought, he will surely come to 
 some end, some day. 
 
 Well, it was only the ext day when th« 
 reading class was called. Master Bi derbaok 
 took his place for the first time. The boy 
 next to him had no book, and as lie was 
 called first, he jnst took Master BiMorback's, 
 who turned to look on with the boy on the 
 other side. The class was reading tlie selec- 
 tion from "Ohl Curiosity Shop," and a girl 
 had just finished reading the tender )jara- 
 graphs, " She was dead. Dear, gentle, 
 patient, noble Nell was dead. Her littU 
 bird — a poor slight thing the pre.s.sure of a 
 finger would have crushed — was stirring 
 nimbly in its cage, and the strong lieiirt of 
 its child-mistress was mute and motionless 
 forever. " 
 
 Imagine the feeling of the teacher when 
 the boy who got up with Master Bilderback's 
 reader went on : 
 
 " ' Black fiend of the nethermost gloom, 
 down to thy craven soul thou lieft,' ex- 
 cliimed Manfred, the Aveuger, drawing his 
 rapier, ' Draw, malignant hound, and die 1' " 
 
 " * Down, perjured fool 1 Villain and 
 double dyed traitor, down with thy caitiff 
 face in the duat. Dare'at thou Icfy 3ie ? 
 Bea^t with a pig's head, thy doom is scaled !' 
 exulaimed the Mystic Knight, thr<^wingu]p 
 his visor. 'Dost know me now? I am the 
 Mad Muaoher of the Bazzarooks ! ' " 
 
 "Mi 
 blade a 
 
 The 
 the bo> 
 asked 
 her it 
 in ania: 
 and the 
 less tlui 
 Death 
 reque- 
 school 
 
SUBURBAN SOLITUDES. 
 
 When b* 
 
 ransforn-ation 
 
 his memory, 
 'hen he heard 
 vho called in 
 lat .bean had 
 lin and would 
 It lie was th* 
 
 tion slie ever 
 urs over hii 
 
 get at them. 
 |en all about 
 
 some of hii 
 
 he believed 
 
 for tlie bean, 
 
 lat it never 
 
 out and it 
 
 d bad juat 
 
 the teacher 
 er til is case, 
 the best and 
 3, and quiet- 
 
 subool who, 
 k\ of a Hiate 
 be next day, 
 
 out of sight 
 Id hoar the 
 ing, "Shoot 
 ur vest !" to 
 
 families or 
 
 Dreadful 
 
 rely come to 
 
 ly vvlion the 
 
 Bi ilerbaok 
 e. 'J'he boy 
 
 as he wae 
 lil'Iniback's, 
 ! boy on the 
 g the seleo- 
 and a girl 
 endei' para- 
 ar, gentle. 
 
 Her little 
 •esBure of a 
 as stirring 
 ng lieirto? 
 
 tnotionlese 
 
 icher when 
 tilderback'i 
 
 loat gloom, 
 
 I'-oPt,' ex- 
 rawinij hit 
 and die I' " 
 illain and 
 
 thy caitiff 
 
 Icfy aie T 
 
 is sealed J' 
 
 irnwing uf 
 
 I am tlM 
 » 
 
 " Manfred, the Avenger, dropped his 
 blade at this terrible iiame, and — 
 
 The teacher caught her breath and stopped 
 the boy. In tones of forced calmness she 
 uked what he was reading, a ad he told 
 her it was Bilderback's reader, and looked 
 in aniazi nient at the innocent soho.'jaticback 
 and the vdlainoua interior, which was nothing 
 less than "The Blood, on the Ceiling ; or, the 
 Death 'i'rack of the Blaok Snoozer." After 
 reque.>tiny Master Bilderback to remain after 
 school and explain, she called the next class, 
 one in Arithmetic. 
 
 '• Fi>her," she sain, "><iu may read and 
 analyze the fourth problem.'" 
 
 And FAisher, who was Bilderback's next 
 ■eat mate, and had taken that young man s 
 book by mistake, rose and read, 
 
 " Ihc pnrtiost little baby, oh ! 
 That everl did see, uh 1 
 Thev gave it paregoric, oh ! 
 And sent it up to glory, oh ! 
 
 F llaey, t'ollacy, my black heu, 
 
 ."she la.\a eggrt lor uouiieiiieu; 
 Sometimes ' 
 
 "III mercy's name," shrieked the poor 
 teacher, '• wliat have you got there ?" And 
 investigation revealed the humiliating fact 
 that wlien Mrs. Bilderback thought her 
 young son was jmriiig over mathematical 
 problems, he was leainnig choice vocal selec- 
 tions out cf "The Full-Back Songster and 
 Kthiopian Glee book." 
 
 When the grannnjir class was called, the 
 teacher asked some one to bring her a book. 
 Master Bilderback was the nearest, and he 
 handed her his, innocently enough, for Le 
 had been busy with more projects than we 
 could Tell about in !i week, since the arithnie- 
 olasB had pone down. The teacher was tired 
 and listless with that wearing worry and tor- 
 tuie wbicli is only found in the school room, 
 and she listlessly and mechanically opened 
 the book at the place, and said, 
 
 "Mamie, how would you analyze and 
 imrse this setiteiioe," and casting her eyes on 
 t4u; page, ksI;..' read : 
 
 "Oier you doiid vas got some glothes on, 
 go on dark blaccs, off you blease. Aiu'd 
 it ? " 
 
 She laid <iown tlie book, and burst into 
 hystericnl teais, unable to exert her author- 
 ity to restrain the mirth that burst out all 
 over the school room. 8he dismiseed the 
 ttohool and had not sufficient energy to pun- 
 ish even Master Bilderback and that young 
 xentleman only carried home a note to his 
 father requesting that citizen and taxpayer to 
 reorganize his son's school library before 
 be sent him back to that palladium of our 
 
 intry's liberties, the pablio school. 
 
 A Bainy Day IdyL 
 
 How mane times do I love you, dear i ■' 
 
 That is beyond my number's skill ; 
 
 Dearer your smiles than aught eiae hero. 
 Unless it might be my umoerill. ^ 
 
 Sweet is the glance of your soft brown eyes, >, 
 Veiled wnen the biiken fringes tail ; 
 
 Verse can not tell how much I prize 
 Thee, and my constant umbersod. 
 
 As the shadowy years speed on and by 
 
 Over our lives like a magic spell ; 
 Ever to thee I'll t iidly fly, 
 
 Ai.d shelter you under my umberell. : : 
 
 Time's wings are swifter than thought, my dear. 
 When my he^rt is cheered by your sunny 
 smile ; 
 Never an hour is yad or drear, 
 When Iknow where to look for my old um 
 brile. 
 
 Even when life its sands have run 
 And my leaf has f .Hen sere and yellow. 
 
 Little I'll hi ed eidier storm or sun 
 Sate 'neaih the roof ol" my dear umbiollow. 
 
 Ha I But the world is wrapped in gloom — 
 Storm, rain and (einucsi round me roil ; 
 
 Show me the man ! Oh, give me room ! 
 Some wretch has stolen my umbersolo. 
 
 Suburban Solitudes. 
 Mr. Dresseldorf, wh-i can't endure any 
 noise since be sold bis clarionet, has just 
 moved intnthe sweetest little cottage out on 
 South Hill, and here, he told Mrs. Ditssel- 
 dorf, he would rest and spend his declining 
 days under bis own vine and fig tree, with no 
 one to molest or make him afraid. ""We 
 have a few ncighlourH, he said, the afteinoon 
 they got comfortablj- and cozily settled ; 
 "Mr. Blodgerp, next door, keeps a cow, and 
 will supply us with an abundance of j uro, 
 fresh milk ; Mr. AVhackem, not far away, is 
 an honest teamster, I understand, and will 
 be convenient wnen we want a little hauling 
 done from town ; Mr. Sturvesant, just down 
 the street, has a sidendid dog that be saje 
 keeps an eye on the entire neighbouihood, 
 and I think we will live plea.«antly 
 and happily here." And Mr. DresE- 
 eldorf sat on the porch and solemn- 
 ly contemplated the hammer bruises 
 and the tack boles and nail marks 
 and abrasions of stove lees and the pinches 
 of obstinate stove-pipe joints on his hands, 
 and wondered if Providence would be mer- 
 ciful to him and strike the house with light- 
 uins before next moving day rolled round. 
 And with this pleasant and soothing thought, 
 Mr. Dresseldorf fell into a trance of ecstatio 
 content, delighted with the holy quiet of the 
 scene and the neighbourhood, with Perkins' 
 meadow in the serene distance, the sun sink* 
 ing out of sight, throwing long bars of bar- 
 Dished gold through a dump of forest trees 
 off to the west, and the summer air vibrating 
 with the hashed hnm U inieot life that floak* 
 
i BURLINOTON ADDBR. 
 
 ed to the Dresseldorf porch. So quiet, so 
 fall of peace, so fraught with meditation and 
 retrospeccive self-coinmunings was the scene, 
 that Mr. Dresseldorf wondered if he could 
 endure so much happiness every evening. 
 Just then, 
 
 " Whoo 1 Who-oh-oh-oh-h ! ! " Whack I 
 whack 1 whack ! Whoa I ye son of a thief ! 
 Head him, Bill ! Whoa ! " 
 
 "What under the canopy — " began the 
 startlpi^ !ind ^-.^itoriislipd Mr Drpaaelrlorf ; bnt 
 
 I'ust then he saw a gray mule with a paint- 
 brush tail flying down the roa<l, head and 
 tail up, and its heels making vicious offers at 
 every animated object thatcame within range. 
 It was plain that one of Mr. ^ hackem's 
 mules had got away, as the honest teamstre 
 and his three sous were seen skirmishing 
 down the street. Mr. Dresseldorf groaned 
 as the animal was cornered, and his picture 
 of peaceful solitude fled. 
 
 " Whoa ! Don't throw at him ! Whoa 
 now!" "Head him off", dad!' "Git 
 down tb;; i.,ail fdi'lci. T'il': .' " ^Vh'a. v-vboa, 
 now ! " " Hee haw ! hee haw ! hee haw ! " 
 " Hold on, Tom ! " " Hurry u]) ! " " Look 
 out foi his heels!" "Now ketch him!" 
 Chorus, " Whoa ! wiioa ! wlioa ! " " Hee 
 haw, hee haw, hee haw!" Whoop! "Hi!" 
 " VVhoop-pee ! " Dog gone the diddledy 
 don gone mule to thunder ! " 
 
 Mr, Dresseldorf groaned as the cavalcade 
 went storming and crashing and hallooing 
 down the street. "Thank heaven they're 
 gone," he said. 
 
 It sounded like a calliope, only it was too 
 far from the river ; but it brought the man 
 of peace to his feet all the same. 
 
 "Sook-kee ! aook-kee ! Suke ! suke ! 
 seuke ? " 
 
 It was Mr. Blodgers calling his cow, as he 
 emphasized the summons by pounding on 
 the bottom of a tin pail with the leg of a 
 milking stool, Mr. Dresseldorf moaned and 
 buried his nervous hands iu his hair and 
 tried to pull the top of his head off. While 
 Mr. Blodgers was yelling and pounding, how- 
 ever, a hiviicaue came tearing up the road 
 — a whirlwind of dust and whoops and 
 
 fiaiat- brush tails and horns and sticks— and 
 rom this awful confusion shot forth yells 
 and brays and bawls and the discordant 
 clangor of a cotv bell. Mr. Blodgers ran 
 out into the road, while Mr. Dresseldorf fell 
 ou his knees and crammed his flnger in his 
 eara. 
 
 " What'n thunder's chasin' that keow, I'd 
 like to know ? " queried Mr. Blodgers ; then, 
 raising his voice, "Hey? hi? I say! Whoop?" 
 And he was tossed over Mr. Dressoldorfs 
 fence into a garden urn, and the hurricane 
 nae' * on up the street, leaving Mr. Blodgers 
 nowliaKiUke a dervish, and l^seeching the 
 
 demoralized Dresseldorf to bring him some 
 arnica and whiskey. Tho wretched man roM 
 to minister to the sufferings of his neighbour, 
 and get the two needful medicines ; but just 
 as he came out of the house the pro* 
 gramme changed again. Mr. Sturvesant'i 
 dog, keeping an eye upon the entire 
 neighbourhood, had met the whirlwind above 
 mentioned up at the next corner, and had 
 promptly turned it back. This unexi)ected 
 retrograde movement I'lafod Mr. ^^'}•1•l•:pm. 
 the three Masters Whackem, and a small mob 
 of juvenile volunteers who had been picked 
 up at one point of the chase and anotlier to 
 help catch the mule, directly in the path of 
 the charging mule and Mr. Blodgers cow. 
 An immediate adjournment was at once 
 moved and carried, and the entire con\niuiiity 
 lit out for the nearest place of refug"' ; Ijut 
 Mr. Sturvesaut's dog kept up tlie chase with 
 such vigour that the whole vooiferous, yell- 
 ing, braying, bawling, barking mass name 
 bulging through Dresseldorf's front fence, 
 upsetting tb nwnrr rtf fhi .rr,ot';*\' ;i!'<1 
 carrying him and Mr. Biodgers out into the 
 alley, where the mass fell ap.nrt, the iniimals 
 running to their respective stables, and the 
 " human warious " seeking their homes as 
 soon as they found each other. Mr. Dressel- 
 dorf advertised hir. place fv,r s.ale the next 
 morning. He is fond of the quiet life f)f a 
 suburban residence, he says, but it is a little 
 too far from business. 
 
 A Burlin^on Adder. 
 
 Burlington rejoices in a mathematical pro- 
 digy. Indeed it is a perfect wonder, and our 
 educational men and teachers used to tind a 
 great deal of instruction and some pleasme in 
 interviewing the child, a bright boy of nine 
 years. His name is Alfred J. Talbot, and 
 his parents live at No. 122.S North Main- 
 street. The boy's health is rather delicate, 
 so that he has not been sent to school a great 
 deal ; but he can perform arithmetical feats 
 that remind one of the stories told about 
 Zerah Colburn. He was always bright, and 
 possesses a remarkable memory. In com- 
 pany with two or three members of the 
 school board, we went to the home of the 
 prodigy for an interview. He was marvel- 
 lonsly ready with answers to every question. 
 Our easy starters, such aa, "Add 6 and 3, 
 and 7 and 9, and 2 and 9, and 5," were au- 
 awered like a flash, and correctly every time 
 Then «hen we got the little fellow at hi' 
 ease, one of the directors took him in hand. 
 He said : 
 
 " Three times 11, plus 9, minus 17, divided 
 hy 3, plua 1, multiplied by ,3, less 3, add 7, 
 ia how nnny T" 
 
 "Nine," akouted the boy, almost before 
 the last word was spoken ; and the 'School 
 
 I 
 
MISAPPLIED SCIENCE. 
 
 81 
 
 hini some 
 led man roM 
 8 neighbour, 
 
 8 ; 1)ut jUBt 
 
 the pro- 
 3turvesant'« 
 the endre 
 Iwirifl above 
 er, and had 
 unexpected 
 ^Vb-flrPm. 
 a small tnob 
 been jiicked 
 another to 
 the path of 
 iclgers cow. 
 as at once 
 commnnity 
 ^efugi' : but 
 chase with 
 erona, yell- 
 mass came 
 ront feiioe, 
 
 •ut into the 
 ^he iiiiiinals 
 OS, ami the 
 ' hoities as 
 Ir. Drcasel- 
 e the next 
 iot life of a 
 it is a little 
 
 natical pro- 
 ler, and our 
 ed to Hnd a 
 pleaRurein 
 ioy of nine 
 Falbot, and 
 orth Main- 
 jr delicate, 
 lool a great 
 stical feats 
 told about 
 Jright, and 
 In com- 
 ers of the 
 ome ot the 
 'as marvel- 
 Y question, 
 d 6 and 3, 
 " were au- 
 !very time_ 
 How at hi* 
 n in hand. 
 
 i7, divided 
 3, add 7, 
 
 oat before 
 ihe School 
 
 Inspectors and the newspaper man looked at 
 each other in blank amazement. Then the 
 other Inspector tried it : 
 
 " Multiply 5 by 13, add 19, subtract 39, 
 divide by 2, add 7, multiply by 9, add 15, 
 divide by 7, add 8, mnltify by 3, leas 13, 
 add 9, multiply by 7, divide by 9, add 13, 
 divide by 11 — how many ?" 
 
 " Ninety-six !" fairly yelled the delighted 
 boy,clapping his hands with merriment at the ' 
 amazement which crowned tbn cnnnf^flnances • 
 ot his mterviewers, and the Ihsvm^i org turn- | 
 ed to the paper man and said, " Take him, ' 
 Mr. Hawkeife." i 
 
 Then we did our best to throw the boy. ! 
 As fast as we could speak, and without pnnc- I 
 tuation, we rattled off this : ; 
 
 9 "Add 24 to 17^ multiply by 9i divide by 
 i add .33 per cent, multiply by 16 extract 
 square root add 9 divide by ?>-5 of 7-8 add 
 119 divide by 77^ times 44| srjnare the quo- 
 tient and multiply by 17i^ add 77 and divide 
 
 by 33 how ma " 
 
 ** But before we eoiiM v,tv fl.o l-j;;!- Tvdlabln 
 the bov fairly screamed, 
 
 "1271 ! Ask me a hard one ?" 
 
 We had seen enough, and with feelings 
 amounting almost to awe we left this wonder- 
 ful boy. We talked about his marvellous 
 powers all the way down. Finally it hap- 
 pened to occur to one of the Inspectors to ask 
 the other Inspector, 
 
 " Did you follow my example through to 
 notice whether the boy answered it correctly 
 ornot?" 
 
 mUThe tone of amazement err.idnally passed 
 away from the Inspector's face, as he faintly 
 gasped, 
 
 " N-n-no, not exactly, did you ?" 
 
 Then the first Inspector ceased to look 
 mystified and began to look very much like 
 Mr. Skinner did when he got the Nebraska 
 fruit, and they both turned to the gentleman 
 who represented the literary department of 
 the expedition, and said lugubriously, 
 
 " Did you?" 
 
 But he only said : 
 
 "The Burlington & North-western narrow- 
 gauge railroad Avill be owned, not by eastern 
 capitalists, but by the people through whose 
 country it passes." 
 
 Misapplied 'icienoe. 
 It was only a few yea»s ago tho New York 
 Journal of lr\formation published the state- 
 ment that a man in New Hampshire, who 
 had been unable to speak for five years, went 
 to sleep, one night, with a quid of tobacco 
 in his mouth, and awoke the next moraine 
 with his voice perfectly strong and smooth 
 •pd ateady. Old Mr. Jarvis, who lives out 
 •1^ Vinjii St^^t is sorely afflicted with an 
 iil^ j;^m»nt ,in, his sp^ech^ and often s»ys he 
 
 would give a hundred 
 only "t - 1 - t - 1 -taw - 
 fast enough t-t - t - to t 
 
 dollars if he could 
 taw -talk f-f.f. 
 
 t - tell a 
 
 gug - gug. 
 
 gag - grocer what he w - w - wants bub-bub- 
 bub-before he gug-gug-gets it measured out." 
 He takes the Journal, and had taken it for 
 twenty-three years, and he fiijnly believed 
 every thing he ever read in it ; Sylvaniis 
 Cobb's stories, Mr. Parton's Lives of Kiriinent 
 Americans, the answers to coirespondcnts — 
 Mr Jarvi'.' l)n,d iaken tb.Ti nil •■•\ rw<\ b •'h'"' 
 ed every wont. He thought tliat probably 
 this quid-of-tobacco treatment might help 
 his voice a little, and he resolved to give it a 
 good trial any how. The first tcouhle was 
 that he didn't chew, and Mrs. Jarvis would 
 never allow a bit of tobacco about the house. 
 But he begged a big "chaw" of uavy, and 
 when he >vent to bed he tucked ,it snugly 
 away in his cheek, and prepared to sleep in 
 hope. He had his misgivings, and they 
 grew in number an<l strength as the (juid be- 
 gan to assert itself, and be soi.'iable. and as- 
 
 if he fastened the front 
 
 Jarvis asked him 
 i;ate. 
 
 " l/m, ' said Mr. .Jarvis, meaning that he 
 had. 
 
 " And are 5'ou sure you locked the front 
 door?" queried hia restless spouse. 
 
 "Urn, "replied Mi-. Jarvis, meaning that he 
 had not, for he was by this time in no coudi- 
 tion to open his mouth. 
 
 "Hey?" she replied. .„;>... 
 
 "Um," persisted Mr. Jarvis. 
 
 "What?" she demanded. 
 
 "Um-m-m !" protested Mr. Jarvis. 
 
 "Well," said she. "you can't make 
 me believe you are that near asleep this 
 soon. " 
 
 "Um-m-m I'" said Mr. Jarvis: meaning 
 that he would get up and bounce her 
 out of that front door if she didn't hold her 
 clach. 
 
 Presently she sat up in bed. .Sniff, sniff ! 
 "John Jarvis," she exclaimed, "if 1 don't 
 smell tobacco in this house, I'm a sinful 
 woman. Don't you sinell it ?" 
 
 "'M," replied Mr. Jarvis ; which V)y inter- 
 pretation is, that he didn't smell anything 
 and was going to sleep, 
 
 "It's in this very room,"' she persisted, 
 excitedly. 
 
 "Um," said Mr. Jarvis. meaning that she 
 must be crazy. 
 
 " It's under the bed !" she screamed. 
 "There's a burglar under the bed I Oh, 
 help ! fire I police ! John Jarvis I ! !" And 
 she smote Mr. Jarvia a furious pelt in the 
 stomach to waken him up. 
 
 It was a terrific thump, and its first effect 
 was to knock aU the atmosphere out of Mr. 
 jarvis's lungs so far thai he. could. only re- 
 
 I .!t 
 
fS 
 
 WIDE AWAKE. 
 
 I 1 
 
 li 
 
 cover his breath by a violent gaap, which 
 first carried the (jiiid of tobacco and all the 
 nicotine prejtaration that it iiad been steadily 
 distilliiiL' down hin tlimat, and was immeili- 
 ateiy t-iici'ecdt^d by a ireniendons cou'/h, as 
 hf stru„'^doil to rise up in Ixid, whiau sliot 
 the iiuii sfjtiart'ly into ti»e eye of the shriek- 
 ing Mi.s. .Iarvif». 
 
 '•Mmdfr! murder !' sue srreamed, "I'm 
 stabbed I I'm stabbed I ' 
 
 And ■ioiiii Jarvis ctioUed and coughed 
 an<l sfiit ;i:iii coughed, and ciioked and 
 clntclicd , Mrn. ^larvis by the throat 
 and trit;<l to clioke off her noij<e, 
 but lie grew so "ill" th;it he couldn't hold 
 his grip, and Mrs. Jar vis, thf moment her 
 throat was ride:ised froii liis trembling 
 pressure, rose from the half strangled gur^lcfs 
 to the .■sublimity of double-edged screams, and 
 made itmno howl with melody. And the 
 neighbours broke into the housie and found 
 a bed-ioiiui that looked and srnelled like a 
 jiiryioi'in or a Ktieet car, witli the sickest 
 man iii(_\' ever law lying with liis he^'d over 
 the sitie of the bi^d, uroauing at the rate of a 
 mile a minute, and the worst frightened i 
 woman siney the Hood sitting up beside him, \ 
 scieanung fa-ster than he groaned, while one I 
 of her ryes was j hidtereil up with a black 
 quid (if tobacco. And that is the way Mr. 
 Jar\is ca'no to sto() his Journal. He 
 denounce as the most iidaniuus, mendaci- 
 ous, pestilent siieet that ever disgraced 
 American ionrnalism. 
 
 V 
 
 Wide Awake, 
 ay Mr. Bellamy, oi I'ond -street, read 
 paper the following para 
 
 One 
 in a 
 graph 
 
 Many very good people are annoyed by 
 sleepiiicNS in church. Tiie following remedy 
 is recomineitcied ; Lift the foot seven inches 
 from the Hoor, and hold it in suspense with- 
 out wu[>port for the lind), and repeat the 
 remedy if the attack returns. 
 
 Ko'\, Mr. Bellamy is a very pood man, 
 and he is suV)ject to that very annojance, 
 which in his case amounts to a positive 
 athietioH. iSo he cut that paragraph out, 
 in accoriLuice with the appjiided instruction, 
 and pa.Hted it in his hat, and was rejoiced in 
 his inmost soul to think that he had found 
 a relief tnmi Ids annoyance. He hoped that 
 Deacon Ashbury, who had frowned at him 
 80 often and so dreadfully for nodding, 
 hadn't seen the paragiaph, for the deaeon 
 aometimes slept under the preached word, 
 and Mr. Bellamy wanted to get even with 
 him. And Mr. Driscoli, who used to sit in 
 the choir, and cover his own sleepiness and 
 divert attention from his own heavy eyes 
 by laughing in a most irreverent and inde- 
 ooroos nuMUMT at Mr. Beltomy'a Attisif 
 
 visage and struggling eyes and head — how 
 the good man did want to get it on Driscoli. 
 So he ctiuckled and hugged his treasure, so 
 to speak, in his mind. He was .so coniident 
 that he had found the panacea for hi?- trouble 
 that he went to the minister aii<l told him 
 what a l>urden liiS' drowsiness had been to Ithat not 
 him, but that he hail made up his mind now l^as stam 
 to shake it ort", and he was cert.iin that ha extinguis 
 had sufficient strength of mind and force of the pew, 
 will to overcome the habit. And the 
 ifdnister wa.s so pleased, and i;oinniended 
 Mr. Bellamy so warmly, and said so earnest- 
 ly th.'it he wislied he had one huiidrc.l such 
 men in his congregation, that .\ir. Bellamy 
 was so elated and iiappy and coulliicnt that 
 he could liardly wait for Sunday to come t© 
 try his new method of averting drowsiness. 
 Sunday came, however, and soon enough 
 too, for it was Saturday afrernnon ])l".imb, heard all 
 chick, chock full of men with bills, over- "You'\ 
 due notes, trifling accounts, little balances, Bellamy, 
 pay-roll, rent, iiairuw-gange subscription, 
 ])olitical assessments and one liiiie tlung 
 and another, almost before Mr. B. Uamy 
 knew it, althouuh it hadn't been there haft 
 an hour befoie he had some suspicion of it, 
 and was soon very confident of it. Sunday 
 morning f(.und the good man in his ac- 
 customed place, devout and drowsy i.s ever. 
 The churcli was very comfortably Idled with 
 an attentive congregation, and Mr. Bellamy 
 was soon cornered up in one end of tha 
 pew, and the strange young lady who sat 
 next hiin wa.-. attended by a v>iy small 
 v.liite, dog, that looked like a roll oi cottoB 
 batting, with red eyes and a black nose. 
 The opening exercises passed olV without 
 incident, but the minister hadn't got t« 
 secondly Mdien Mr. Bellamy smideidy rousoJ 
 himself with a start from a doze into which 
 he was dropping. His heart fairlj- stood 
 still as he thought how nearly he Lad for- 
 gotten his recipe. He feared to attract any 
 attention to himself, lest his precious method 
 should be discovered, and slowly lifted hiv 
 left foot from the foot stoul and held it abont 
 seven inches in the air. As he laised hia 
 foot the strange young lady shrunk away 
 from him in evident alarm This annoyed 
 Mr. Bellamy and disconcerted him M 
 that he vaa on the point of hiwer- 
 ing his foot and whispering an ej> 
 planation when the dog, M'hich had been 
 quietly sleeping by the footstool opened its 
 eyes, and seeing the uplifted foot slowly 
 descending in its direction, hastily scrambled 
 to its feet and backed away, barking and 
 yelping terrifically. The young lady, now 
 thoroughly alarmed, jerked her feet from off 
 the footstool, which immediately flew ap 
 nnder the weight of Mr. fiellamy'a other foinL 
 and the dog, excitedly by thu additioaat 
 
 catastrop 
 sions. D 
 racket, cs 
 the aisle, 
 Bellamy, 
 much hot 
 
 as he did 
 she had b 
 crazy, 
 sought 
 Bellamy 
 to the 
 motioned 
 minister \ 
 cease, sai 
 
 Mr. B( 
 
 covered m 
 garments 
 was great 
 into the 
 with mci 
 nto his ir 
 aughter. 
 After SI 
 through t 
 for the ei 
 }astor, an 
 lis urfort 
 ivhose ser 
 iffair, wa 
 ;oldly : 
 
 "JSeve 
 pologize 
 lut if yoi 
 ou are a 
 lave you 
 preach. 
 Mr. Be 
 )aper, an 
 Hawkeye 
 he wret 
 mares in 
 or the fe 
 lappy. 
 
 Th 
 We al 
 ove chil 
 nrrong v 
 lympath 
 nnocent 
 heir me 
 lot reacl 
 )ure the 
 lour, cr 
 irorld fi 
 
I heail — hoir 
 
 ; (111 Driscoll. 
 
 treafsiire, Be 
 
 so coaiident 
 
 jr liih trouble 
 
 Hid told him 
 
 liii ' lieen to 
 
 lis uiiiid now 
 
 rt.iin that he 
 
 and force of 
 
 And the 
 
 coinuiende<l 
 
 d so eiii'iiest- 
 
 uiidre.l such 
 
 Mr. Ht'llamj 
 
 )iiiiiiciit that 
 
 y to come to 
 
 ; diuwsinesa. 
 
 soon enough 
 
 noDM ])lnmb, 
 
 lidls, over- 
 
 ble hulances^ 
 
 snbsciijjtion, 
 
 liiile thing 
 
 li. LUamy 
 
 3ii there hafi 
 
 spicion of it, 
 
 it. Sundaj 
 
 I io his ao- 
 
 wsy iis ever. 
 
 Y Idled with 
 
 Mr. lltllamy 
 
 eud of the 
 
 idy who sat 
 
 VviV small 
 
 ill or cotto« 
 
 1)1mc'U nose. 
 
 nil' without 
 
 in't got t« 
 
 t! ly rousod 
 
 i iiito which 
 
 airlj- stood 
 
 ho l.ad foF- 
 
 attract anj 
 
 ious method 
 
 y lifted hit 
 
 eld it abont 
 
 raided his 
 
 ruiik awaj 
 
 lis annoy eel 
 
 1 him B* 
 
 of lower- 
 
 g an ex- 
 
 1 had been 
 
 ojiened its 
 
 oot slowly 
 
 f scrambled 
 
 irking and 
 
 lady, noir 
 
 etfrom off 
 
 y flew o^ 
 
 other fook 
 
 sdditioaal 
 
 THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OP CHTDDHOOD. 
 
 catastrophe, fairly barked itself into convul- 
 sions. Deacon Ashbury, awakened by the 
 racket, came tiptoeing and frowning down 
 (he aisle, bending his shaggy brows upon Mr. 
 Bellamy, who actually believed that if he got 
 much hotter he would break out in dames, 
 that not even the beaded perspiration that 
 was standing out on his scarlet face, could 
 extinguish. The young lady rose to leave 
 the pew, Mr. Bellamy rose to explain, and 
 as he did so, she was quite convinced of what 
 she had before been suspicious — that he was 
 crazy. She backod out of the pew and 
 sought De:vcon Ashhury's protection. Mr. 
 Bellamy attempted to whisper au explanation 
 to the deacon, but that austere omcial 
 motioned him back into his seat, and as the 
 minister paused until the interruption should 
 cease, said in a severe undertone that was 
 heard all over the church. 
 
 "You've been dreaming again, Brother 
 Bellamy." 
 
 Mr. Bellamy sank into his seat, ([uite 
 covered with confusion as with a couple of 
 garments md a Ivxl, <jnilt, and his distress 
 was yreatly aggravated when he looked up 
 into the choir and saw Driscoll, convulsed 
 with merriment, stufiing his handkerchief 
 into his moutli, and shaking with suppressed 
 laughter. 
 
 After service Mr. Bellamy, who was all 
 throu^i^h the service, the centre of attraction 
 for the entire congregation, waited for his 
 lastor, and made one more effort to explain 
 mis unfortunate escapade. But tlie minister, 
 ■vhose sermon had been quite spoiled by the 
 Iffair, waved him to silence and said, (piite 
 •oldly : 
 
 "isevor mind. Brother Bellamy; don't 
 ipologize ; you meant very well. I dare say, 
 )ut if you make so much disturbance when 
 ^ou are aware, I believe 1 would prefer to 
 »ave you sleep quietly through every sermon 
 preach." 
 
 Mr. Bellamy has since stopped his church 
 laper, and transferred his subscription to the 
 Hawkeye, saying that if he could just hud 
 ;he wretch who set stumbling blocks and 
 mares in the columns of the religious press 
 or the feet of weak believers, he could die 
 lappy. 
 
 The Artless Prattle of Cbildbood. 
 We always did pity a man who does not 
 ove children. There is something morally 
 nrrong with such a man. If his tenderest 
 ympathies are not awakened by their 
 nnocent prattle, if his heart does not echo 
 ;heir merry laughter, if his whole nature does 
 lot reach out iu ardent loo^gs after their 
 )ure thoughts and unseliiah unpulses, he is a 
 lour, crusty, crabbe<l old stick, and the 
 nrorld full of children has no nse for him. 
 
 In every age and clime, the best and noblest 
 men loved children. Even wicked men 
 have a tender spot left iu their hardened 
 hearts for little children. The great men 
 of the earth love them. Dogs love them. 
 Kamehamekemokiinodahroah, the King of 
 the Cannibal islands, loves them. Rare, 
 and no gravy. Ah yes, we all love 
 children. 
 
 And what a pleasure it is to talk with 
 them. Who can chatter with a bright-eyed, 
 rosy-cheeked, quick-witted little durlinjj, 
 anywhere from three to five years, and not 
 ai)preciate the pride which swells a mother's 
 breast, when she sees her little ones admired. 
 Ah, yes, to be sure. 
 
 One day, ah can we ever cease to remem- 
 ber that dreamy, idle, summer afternoon — a 
 lady friend who was down iu the city on a 
 shopping excursion, came into the sanctum 
 with her little son, a dear little tid-toddler 
 of live bright summers, and be^'ged iia to 
 amuse him while she pursued tiie duties 
 wliich called her down town. Smdi a liriyht 
 boy ; so delightful ii was to tail; to him. 
 We can never forget t'e blissful half hour we 
 spent booking that prodigy up in his centen- 
 nial history. 
 
 "Now listen. Clary," we "^aiil — his name 
 is Clarence Fitzherbert Aleneon do M;irche- 
 mont Caruthers — " and learn about (Icoi-ge 
 Washington." 
 
 *' Who's he?" inquired Chirencc, etc. 
 
 "Listen," we said, " he was the father of 
 his country." ^_ 
 
 ' ' Whose country ?" 
 
 " Ours ; yours and mine ; the uonfcilerated 
 union of the American people, cemented 
 with the life blood of the men oi '70, poured 
 out upon the altars of our country as the 
 dearest libation to liberty that her vctaries 
 can offer. 
 
 '• Who did ?" asked Clarence. 
 
 There is a peculiar tact in talkins; to chil- 
 dren that very few people possess. Now 
 most people would have grown impatient 
 aiitl lost their temper when little 
 Clarence asked so many irrelevant questions, 
 but we did not. We knew that, however 
 careless he might appear at first, we could 
 soon interest him in the story and he would 
 be all eyes and ears. So we smiled sweetly — 
 that same sweet smile which you may have 
 noticed on our photographs, just the f.iintest 
 ripple of a smile breaking across tiie face 
 like a ray of sunlight, and checked by lines 
 ot tender sadness, just before the two ends 
 of it pass each other at the back of the 
 neck. 
 
 And so, smiling, we went on, 
 
 "Well, one day, Ueorge's father " 
 
 " George who ?" asked Clarence. 
 
 " George Washington. He was a little 
 
84 
 
 THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OF CHILDHOOD. 
 
 boy then, 
 father 
 
 just like you. One day his 
 
 "Whose father?" demanded Clarence, 
 with an encouraging expression of interest. 
 
 " Oieorgc Washington'^, this great man we 
 were telling you of. One day George Wash- 
 ington's father gave him a little hatchet for 
 a ■' 
 
 "Gave who a little hatchet?" the dear 
 child interrupted with a gleam of bewitching 
 intelligence. Most men would have be- 
 trayed signs of impatience, but we didn't. 
 We know Imw to talk to children. So we 
 wpr.t (,\i ■ 
 
 •'(ieor,e \'\'!.i5iiiiiirton. His 
 
 " Who i^avc him tho iittlo hatchet?" 
 
 " His father. And his father " 
 
 " Whose father ?" 
 
 " Georce Washington's. " 
 
 "Oh !" 
 
 "Ye°, fieoige Washington. And his 
 father told Ijiiii " 
 
 "Told who?" 
 
 "Told George?" 
 
 "Oh, yes, George," 
 
 And v:ii wont on, just as patient and as 
 ploo^o'i*^ v'-s yon f>orV.l inmc;?!:", Wu t"ok iir> 
 the story w);erc the hoy interrupted, tor avc , 
 could see. That he was just crazy to hear the j 
 ouil (if it. We jsaiil ; 
 
 " And he told him that " 
 
 "Who told "him what?" Clarence broke 
 in. 
 
 " Why, George's father told George." 
 
 "What did lie tell him ?" 
 
 "Why, that's just what I am going to tell 
 you. He told him " 
 
 "Who told him?" 
 
 " George's father. He " 
 
 "What for?' 
 
 "Why, so he wouldn't do what he told 
 him not to do. He told him " 
 
 " George told him ?" queried Clarence. 
 
 "No, his father told George " 
 
 "Oh!" 
 
 " Yes ; told him that he must be careful 
 with the hatchet " 
 
 " Who must be careful ?" 
 
 ' ' George must. " ' 
 
 "Oh?" 
 
 "Yes; must be careful with the hatchet 
 
 "George did." 
 
 "Oh I" 
 
 " but his father came home and saw it 
 
 the first thing, and " 
 
 "Saw the hatchet?" 
 
 "No; saw the apple tree. And he said, 
 ' Who has cut down my favourite apple 
 tree?'" 
 
 " What apple tree?" 
 
 " George's father's. And everybody said 
 they din't know anything about it, and " 
 
 " Any thing about what ?" 
 
 "The apple tree." 
 
 "Oh !" 
 
 ■ ai)ii v^eoiLji' c.iiiic U[j Mm L^iviu them 
 
 talking about it " 
 
 " Heard who talking about it ?" 
 
 " Heard his father and the men. '" 
 
 " What was they talking about ?" 
 
 " About this apple tree ?" 
 
 "What apple tree?" 
 
 " The favourite apple tree that George cut 
 down." 
 
 "George who?" , ' 
 
 "George Washington." 
 
 " Oh !" 
 
 " So Gcorgo rr.ini'up ii'J 
 ing a()<)nt it, ami li' 
 
 " What did he cut it down for?" 
 
 heard them tallv- 
 
 ILIJ 
 
 Lis little hatchet. 
 
 " What hatchet ?" . '' 
 
 "Why, George's." 
 
 " Oh !" 
 
 " Yes ; with the hatchet, and not cut him- 
 self with it, or ilrop it in the cistern, or leave 
 it out in the grass all night. So G«orge went 
 round cutting every thing he could reach 
 with his hatchet. And at last he came to a 
 splendid apple tree, his father's favorite, and 
 cut it down, and " 
 
 " Who cut it down f 
 
 "Wliose little iiatchet." 
 
 " Why, his own, the one his father gave 
 him." 
 
 "Gave who?" 
 
 "Whv, George ^Vashington. " 
 
 "Who gave it to him?'' 
 
 "His father did." 
 
 "Oh!" 
 
 "So George came up and he said, ' Father, 
 I can not tell a lie, I ' " 
 
 " Who couldn't tell a lie ?" 
 
 "Why, Geoi e Washington. He said, 
 ' Father, I can not tell a lie. It was " 
 
 "His father couldn't?" 
 
 " Why no, George couldn't." 
 
 " Oh, George ? oh, yes. ' 
 
 " It was I cut down your apple tree; 
 
 I did " 
 
 " His father did ?" 
 
 " No, no; it was George said this." 
 
 " vSaid he cut his father ?" 
 
 "No, no, no; said he cut down his apple 
 tree." 
 
 " George's apple tree ?" 
 
 "No, no; his father's." 
 
 "Oh!" 
 
 " He Baid " 
 
 " His father said ?" 
 
 " No, no, no; George said, ' Father, I can 
 not tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet.' 
 And his father said, ' Noble boy, I would 
 nther lose a thousand trees than hare you 
 teU»U«." 
 
3 and saw it 
 
 ml he said, 
 irite apple 
 
 ryhody said 
 t, and " 
 
 ln^aiil tlient 
 
 George cut 
 
 L th'-'m talk- 
 
 ?" 
 
 father gaTe 
 
 id, ' Father, 
 
 He said, 
 
 was " 
 
 apple tree; 
 
 lis." 
 
 rn his apple 
 
 LIFE IN THE "HAWKEYE" SAXCTUM. 
 
 35 
 
 ather, I can 
 ble hatchet.' 
 ty, I would 
 I hare you 
 
 "OeorgedidV" 
 
 " No, his fath»a' said that." 
 
 " Said he'd rather have a thouaand apple 
 trees?' 
 
 " No, no, no; said he'd rather lose a thou- 
 sand apple trees than — — " 
 
 " Said lie'd rather (ieorge would ?" 
 
 "No, said he'd rather lie would than have 
 him lie." 
 
 " Oh ! George would rather have his 
 father lie ? ' 
 
 We are patient, and we luvu cluldreu, but 
 It Mi'i ( "lu-'it-lK'i-i. :♦ A.vii-'iitv'."''" h'"in'i 
 
 juncture, wt; don't believe all IJurtington 
 could have pulled us out of ihat snarl. And 
 as Clarence Fitzherbert Alencon do Marche- 
 inont Caruthers patterftd down the stairs, 
 we heard liim telling' his nia about a boy 
 who had a father named Goorge, and he 
 told him to cut down an apple trt-e, and he 
 said he'd rather tell a thousand lies than cut 
 down one apple tree. 
 
 Sprine- Days in Burlington. 
 
 j)(Mv:i vvli(;r(( till' w .J:(!-:"(i'iin siiiin!_'s Iroin iis I 
 
 slumbers, I 
 
 Openin!< its (;arcliirii cyo to the sun ; | 
 
 ijome tijo (lull eclitn'ri ijt' lar ,i w.iv tluiiid'T.s I 
 
 Heavy anil last, aj tht; shots of a :-;'uu. 
 Upon llio hill where the wild (iowora nestle. 
 liike new fallen stars on the green mossy 
 strand ; 
 There come the dead notes of the house-clean- 
 in{< pestle— 
 The sound of the earjiet is heard in the land. 
 
 Up ! for the 8ont< birds thcii' matins are singing; 
 
 Up, for the mornint; is tintintj the skies; 
 Up, for the good wife the clothes-prop is bring- 
 ing 
 
 Out to the line where tue hall carpet flies. 
 Up, and away ! for the carpet is dusty ! 
 
 Fly, for the house-cli-aning days have begun! 
 Run! for the womanly tenipei' is crusty; 
 
 Up and be doing, lest ye be undone! 
 
 Late, late; too late. .Just one moment of snor- 
 ing. 
 He wakes to the soui.d of the lumult below. 
 O'er the beating of carpels he hears a voice roar- 
 ing, 
 "Breakfait was over three hours ago!' 
 See. he is plunged in the front of the battle; 
 Where dust is the thickest they tell him to 
 stand; 
 Where suds, mops and scrub-brushes spatter and 
 rattle, 
 And the sound of the carpet is heard in the 
 land. 
 
 Life in the "Hawkeye " Sanctum. 
 The Hawkeye has just got into its new ed> 
 itorial rooms, and it is proud to say it has the 
 finest, most comfortable, complete and con- 
 renient editorial rooms in America. They 
 are finished off with a little invention which 
 will be of untold value to the profession of 
 joumaliim when it is generally adopted ; and 
 we know that it will rapidly come into >q»* 
 
 versal use as soon as its merits are under- 
 stood and appreciated. A'e believe it is 
 fully equal, in all tliat the term implies, to 
 the famous Bogardess Kicker, less liable to 
 get out of order, and less easily detected by 
 casual visitors. It is known as '* Middlerib's 
 Automatic Welcome." The sanctum is on 
 the sam6 tloor as the news-room, being sei*- 
 arated from it by a partition, in whieli is cut 
 a large window, easily opened by an auto- 
 matic arrangement. The editorial ch^ir is 
 placed in front of that window, and near tlie 
 'i":id ot flin sjf'rs ; ni><1 nn fl)p side (>1 ' flic 
 ■ • - 1 ■ ' '■ ■ .-t 
 
 editor, the visitor s ahair is placed. It has an 
 inviting look about it, ami its entire apprar- 
 ance is guileless and commonplace. But the 
 strip of floor on which that chair rests is a 
 deception and a fraud. It is an endless chain 
 like the floor of a horsepower, and is operat- 
 ed at will by the editor, who has merely to 
 touch a spring in the floor to set it in mo- 
 tion. Its operation can best be understood 
 by personal inspection. 
 
 One morning, soon after the "Middlcrib 
 "•-!-.;•;;(;'• iLuU-cii ;!■•,. :l v.. i...JtiL:i, '1.. 
 ijosivviciv came in wiin a lunny storj i.o tjil. 
 He naturally Hopped uown into tlie elixir that 
 \r\'\ ♦"be tnost npp'^TTT' "' lic^i'.-i^ii i^' t,, 
 some one else, antl bt^gan in his u.^nai liaiipy 
 vein : — " I've got the richest thing — oh ! ah, 
 ha, ha ! — the best thing — oh ! by George I I 
 c&n'jt — oh, ha, ha, ha ! Oh ! its too fjuud i Oh, 
 by George, the richest thing ! Oli ! it's too 
 loud ! You must never tell where you got — 
 oh, by George, I can't do it ! It's too good 1 
 You know — oh, ha, ha, ha, oh, he, he, he ! 
 You know the — oh, by George, I ca— " 
 Here the editor touched the spring, a nail- 
 grab under the chair reached swiftly up and 
 caught Mr. Bostwick by the cushion of his 
 
 Eants, the window flew up and the noiseless 
 elt of floor gliding on its course bore the as- 
 tonished Mr. Bostwick through the window 
 out into the news-room, half-way down to 
 the cases, where he was received with great 
 applanse by the delighted compositors. The 
 window had slammed down as soon as he 
 he passed through ; and when the editorial 
 foot was withdrawn from the spring and the 
 chair stopped and the nail-grab assumed its 
 accustomea place, young Mr. Bostwick found 
 himself so kmd of out of the sanctum, like it 
 might be, that he went slowly and dejectedly 
 down stairs, as it were, while amazement sat 
 upon his brow, like. 
 
 The next casual visitor was Mr. J. Alexis 
 Flaxeter, the critic. He had a copy of the 
 Hawkeye in his hand, with all the typograph- 
 ical errors marked in red ink, and his face 
 was BO wreathed in smiles that it was im- 
 poMible to tell where his mouth ended and 
 nil ejw b^;ML He took the vacant chair 
 
 t 
 
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 
 
 and spread the paper out before him, cover- 
 ing up the editorial manuscript. " My keen 
 rision and delicate sense of accuracy," hj 
 said, "are the greatest crosses of my 
 life. Things that you never see are 
 mountains in my sight. Now here, you see, 
 
 is a ". The spring clicked softly, like 
 
 an echo t(» the impatient movement of the 
 editor's foot, the nail-grab took hold like a 
 bulldog helping a Burlington troubadour 
 over the garden fence, the chair shot back 
 through the window like a meteor, and the 
 window came down with a slam that sounded 
 like a wooden {^iant 'jetting oiY the shortest 
 bit profanity known to man ; and .all was 
 silent ai|ain. Mr. Flaxeter sat very close to 
 vhe frosted window, staring blankly at the 
 clouded glass, seeing nothing that could offer 
 any explanation of what he would have 
 tirnily believed wa's a land slide, had he not 
 heard the editor, safe in his guarded den, 
 softly whistling, " We shall meet but we 
 shall miss him." 
 
 Then there was a })rief interval of quiet in 
 the sanctum, and a rustling of I'ainicnt was 
 heard on the i^tairs. A lovely woman en- 
 tered, and stood unawed in the cilitorial pre- 
 sence. The li P., on his part, was rather 
 nervous and uncomfortable. The lovely 
 woman seated herself in the fatal cliair. She 
 slapped her little gripsack on the table, and 
 opened her little subscri))tion book. She 
 said : " I am soliciting cash contributions — 
 strictly, exclusively, and peremptfirily cash 
 contributions — to pay off the church debt, 
 and buy an organ ?or the Mission Church ot 
 
 the Forlorn Strangers, and I expect ." 
 
 There are times when occasion demands 
 great effort. The editor bowed his head, 
 and, after one Virief spasm of remorse, felt 
 for the secret spring. The window went up 
 like a charm : the reckless nail-grab hung 
 back for a second, as if held by a feeling of 
 innate delicacy, and then it shut its eyes and 
 smothered its pity, and rcacheii up and took 
 a death-like hold on a roll of able and influ- 
 ential newspapers, and a network of string 
 uid tape, and the cavalcade backed out into 
 tlie news-room with colours flying. The 
 ohair 8to)>^(ed just before the familiar spirit 
 who was washing the forms ; and, as the 
 lovely woman gazed at the inky face, she 
 riirieked : "Merciftil heavens, where, where 
 am I ?" and was borne down the gloomy 
 stairway unconscious ; while the printers 
 whose cases were nearest the wicked window 
 keard the editor singing, as it might be to 
 kimself, " Dearest sister, thou hast left us." 
 
 An hour of serenity and tranquility in the 
 editorial room was broken by a brisk, 
 business-like step on the stairs ; the door 
 Aew open with a bang that shot the key half- 
 way across the room, and a sociable-looking, 
 
 familiar kind of stranger jammed into the 
 chair, slapped his hat over the ink-stand, 
 pushed a pile of proof, twenty pages of copy, 
 a box of pens, the paste-cup, and a pair of 
 scissors off the table to make room for the 
 old familiar flat sample case, and said, in 
 one brief breath : "I am agent for Gamber- 
 ton's Popular Centennial World's History 
 and American Citizen's Treasure fiook of 
 Valuable Information sold only by sulscrip- 
 tion and issued in thirty parts eac number 
 embellished with one handsome steel-plate 
 engraving and numerous beauiifullj executed 
 wood-cuts no similar work has ever been 
 published in this country and at the exceed- 
 inglv low price at which it i? offered S2 per 
 vol^ — ." 
 
 The spring clicked a like piytol-.shot. the 
 window went up half-way through the ceil- 
 ing, the nail-grab took hold like a three- 
 barrelled harpoon, and the eoinmn moved on 
 its backward way through the window, Woavu 
 through the news-room past the foreman, 
 I standing grim ami silent, by the ini]tosiug 
 stone, past theca^es, vocal uitli the applause 
 and encouraging ami consolatory reniarUs of 
 tlie compositors, on to the jilley windows, 
 over the sills — howling, yelling, shrieking, 
 praying, the unha])])y agent was hurled 
 to tlie cruel pavement, tlii'ee stories below, 
 where he lit on his h(\id and plutigeii through 
 into a cellar, whert; lie tried to get u. sub- 
 scription out of a ni.vn who was shoveling 
 coal. 
 
 The Laneuago of Flowers. 
 
 It was a Mt. PieasaTit nirl. No other hu- 
 man divinity could play such a liturtless 
 trick on an admiring, nay, an adoring and 
 adorable young man. tie alw.iys praised the 
 flowers she wore, and talked so learnedly 
 about flowers in general, that this incredu- 
 lous youuL; angel "put up a job "on him — if 
 one mtiy be so sacrilegious as to write slang 
 in connection with so much beauty and grace. 
 She filled the bay window with freshly pot- 
 ted weeds which siie had i.'.boriously uather- 
 ed from the sidewalk and in tiio hollow under 
 the bridge, and when he came round that 
 evening she led the conversation to flowers, 
 an.i her admirer to the bay window, 
 "Such lovely nlants she had," she told him, 
 and he just clasped his hands and looked 
 around him in silly ecstasy, trying to think 
 of their names. 
 
 "This is Patagonia i rjiueiitii's, Mr. Bogun- 
 dus," she said, pointing to the miserable 
 cheat of a young rag-weed ; " did you ever 
 see any thing so delicate ?" 
 
 "Oh I" he ejaculated, regarding it rever- 
 entially .; "beautiful, beautiful; what deli- 
 cately serrated leaves !" 
 
 ''And," she went on, witli a face as angelic 
 
led into th« 
 e ink-stand, 
 igea of copy, 
 id a pair of 
 room tor the 
 tnd said, in 
 for Gamber- 
 il'a History 
 le Book of 
 by sul'Hcrip- 
 lac number 
 -■ steel-{)late 
 Ilj executed 
 5 evL-r been 
 the exceed- 
 'ercil !b2 per 
 
 ol-sliot. the 
 ^'h the coil- 
 ke a tliree- 
 II moved on 
 idow, ilowu 
 10 foMinan, 
 If iiiiposiug 
 he apphiHse 
 remarlis of 
 y wiii<U)\V!(, 
 shrieking, 
 I'as hurled 
 iries liclow, 
 SCii til rough 
 ) get a sub- 
 s Bliovoluig 
 
 s. 
 
 ) other hu- 
 ll lieai'tlesa 
 :.1ori)ig and 
 praised the 
 o learnedly 
 LIS incredu- 
 pi\ hini — if 
 write slang 
 
 and grace, 
 reshly pot- 
 slj' gather- 
 illow under 
 •ounil that 
 to iiowers, 
 ' window. 
 
 told him, 
 ind looked 
 ig to think 
 
 Ir. Bogun- 
 
 miserable 
 
 I you ever 
 
 g it rever- 
 what deli- 
 
 I M angelic 
 
 WOODLAND MUSIC AND POETRY. 
 
 37 
 
 M thongn she was only say ins " Now I lay 
 me down to sleep," "it breaks oat in Mie 
 summer in such curious green blossoms, 
 clinging to long, slender stems. Only think 
 of that — green blossoms." And she gazed 
 pensively on the young man as though she 
 saw something green that probably never 
 would blossom. 
 
 "Wonderful, wonderful indeed," he said, 
 " one can never tire of botany. It continu- 
 ally opens to us uew worlds of wonders with 
 every awakening flower and unfolded leaf." 
 
 "And here," she said, indicating with her 
 snowy tinger a villainous sprout of that little 
 bur the boys call " beggar's lice," this Men- 
 dicantiK parasitatis, what " 
 
 "Oh !" he exclaimed, rapturously, "where 
 did you get it ? Why, do you know how 
 rare it is ? I have not seen one in Burlington 
 since Mrs. O'Gheminie went to Chicago. She 
 had such beautiful specimens of them ; such 
 » charming variety. She used to wear them 
 in her hair so often." 
 
 "No doubt," the angel said dryly ; and 
 the young man thought he had done wrong 
 in praising Mrs. O'Gheminie's plants so high- 
 ly. But the dear one went on, and pointing 
 to a young jimson weed, said : 
 
 "This is my ^et,thia Jimaonata Jilio/ensis." 
 
 The young man gasped with the pleasure 
 of a true lover of flowers, as he bent over it 
 in admiration and inhaled its nauseous odor. 
 Then he rose up and said : 
 
 " This plant has some medicinal proper- 
 ties." 
 
 " Ah !" she said. 
 
 "Yes," he replied, stiffly, "it has. 1 
 have smelt that plant in my boyhood days. 
 Wilted on the kitchen stove, then bruised 
 and applie{l to the eruption, the leaves are 
 excellent remedial agents for the poison of 
 the ivy. " He strode past the smiling com- 
 pany that gathered in the parlor, and said 
 sternly, "We meet no more!" and, seizing 
 her father's best hat from the rack, he ex- 
 tinguished himself in it, and went banging 
 along the line of tree-boxes which lined his 
 darkened way. 
 
 Spring Time in America. 
 Dear, faded flowers, the^ bloom again, 
 
 Like echoes of the spring time gojie : 
 And moasy hillside, shadowy glen. 
 
 Break out in beauty like the dawn. 
 In regal beauty, leaf and bud 
 
 Bend 'neath the kisses of the breeze. 
 And "Spanish Mixture for the Blood' 
 
 Smilee from the fences, rooks and trees. 
 
 Dear, smiling Spring, what tender hope 
 
 Breathes from the life-awakeningsou: 
 How 'Bolus' Aiiti-bilious Dope," 
 
 And "Dr, Gastrio's Castor Oil- 
 Bid frightened nature wake and smile ; 
 
 For spring time's hlosaoms fill oa lees 
 With thoughts of paBsies than with Tile 
 
 " PaaaeeM " for ^' Bilioaanesa." 
 
 If to the wooded nook wo stra^. 
 
 Where every swollinK germ is hujfe 
 With life; each gray-browed rook will say, 
 
 "Use Fhilogaflter'd Vermifuge"" 
 If from those sylvan bowers we fly, 
 
 We fly, alas, to other ills ; 
 And farni-vard ^atcs and barn-doors cry. 
 
 "Take Qinsengrooter's Liver Pills." 
 
 Each blue-eyed violet hides a "Pill," 
 
 There's scent of "llhubarb" in the air ; 
 "Rheumatic Plasters" line each hill, 
 
 And "Bitters" blossom every wh«re. 
 With "Agrue Cures" the eyes are seared ; 
 
 The air is thick, or thin, I meant. 
 For nature's face and clothes are smeared 
 
 With " Universal Liniment." 
 
 Woodland Musio and Poetry. 
 
 But Mr. Middlerib's greatest delight, 
 escaping from his daily wrangle with phleg- 
 matic Peorians, was to seek some cool, 
 sequestered spot, where the air was vocal 
 with the song of birds, tliere ♦^^ read, and 
 ponder, and doze, and blenu with tiie i lelody 
 of the woodland warblers wrathtui >' jurga- 
 tions of the gnats, and flies, anci mosquitoes, 
 and hard -backed bugs that noboa^ ' knew the 
 names of. But his poetical nature rose 
 above all these minor distractions, and he 
 enjoyed iiis seclusion and its sylvan delights. 
 One lovely morning he sat in a vine-embow- 
 ered porch, with four cages of canaries 
 hanging above his head, and the trees around 
 fairly alive with the wild birds, and as he 
 listened to the varied, melodious passages of 
 the wild- wood orchestra, he grew enraptured, 
 and in a moment of enthusiasm gave himself 
 up to poetry for Mrs. M.'s benefit. H« 
 opened the book in his hand, and in a lull of 
 the music he began : 
 
 " 1 cloud lay cradled near the set " 
 
 " Tweetle, tweetle, twee twee tweedle dee 
 tweet tweet !" broke in ear-piercing chorus 
 from the four cages, "twee, twee, tweedle d« 
 deedle, twee twee 1" 
 
 "Whit a delightful interruption," said 
 Mr. Middlerib, sweetly; and, with a tender 
 smile wrinkling his placid face, like the upper 
 crust of a green apple pie, he waited for th* 
 music to cease, and resumed : 
 
 " A cloud lay era " 
 
 "Twee, twee, twee-eeee, tweedle, tweedl*, 
 tweedle ! Tweet-te-deet-deet, tweet tweet I 
 Tweedle-de- deedle, tweetle, tweetle tweet 
 tweet !" 
 
 "A poem without words," said Mr. 
 Middlerib, softly, glancing from his book 
 toward the cages wherein eight yellow 
 throats were manufacturing music of the 
 shrillest key that ever developed an ear- 
 ache or woke up a deaf and dumb asylum. 
 Presently he got another chance, and re- 
 sumed once more : 
 
 " A cloud lay cradled near the set 
 
 <JTo-whoot! To whoot! Whootl»-t«. 
 
m 
 
 BUYING A TIN CUP. 
 
 toot-tv>()t I" oiinie from a bin! in the nearest 
 Jiiokor}', i\ solomn-looking binl with a brown 
 biii'k and a voice like a wooden whistle. 
 Mr. MidiHorib paused and ijlanoed toward 
 tlir tree, wliilo the benign smile whieh made, 
 his faee look like a lumaged photograph of 
 one of the early Christian martyrs, faded 
 away like a summer twilight. He resumed : 
 
 " A elouti ^ay era " 
 
 "Too-toot too doodle toot- te-doot ! Whee- 
 tie de deetle. tweet tweet tweotle tweet, 
 twee twte wlioot de doot too too, ehip])ity- 
 wippity. eheep-eheep-elieep, whoot, squaek 
 8(iuaok !" went otl' tlie whole chorus, cages 
 and trees, sujiplementeil by a visiting party 
 of eat-birds, all aroused into indignant and 
 jealous protest by the obtrusive solo of the 
 wooden whistle bird, who appeared to bo 
 jui ubjeet of general iiislike. Mr. Middle- 
 rib, tliinking lie would read down opposi- 
 tion, went right on : 
 
 ■■ — died near the setting sun, 
 A "-{1 am of erini " 
 
 '■ K-r-i r t-r-r !" 
 
 A wooilpieker tapped liis merry rounde- 
 lay on the roof of the poreh, and .Mrs. Middle- 
 rii> sprang from her eliair with, "Merey on 
 na I|\vhat IS tliat?" Mr. Middlerib made a 
 cutting remark about people who had no 
 appveeiation of the lieautiful in nature or 
 art, and nMuarked : 
 
 " A gleam of orimson tinged its ' 
 
 " Twee-ee, twee, deedle-eedle-odle twiddle 
 twoddle, twoot, too too tweedle oi»t ! Teedle 
 idle eedle odle, twee twee, twee ! I'e weet, 
 pe weet ! W'hootle ootle tootle too, scpiack 
 sipiaeU I" 
 
 Mr. Middlerib elevated his voice to about 
 ninety dt reea in the shade and roared : 
 
 " tinjied its braided snow, 
 
 Long luul 1 wat — " 
 
 "Caw, ea\^. eaw I Ca-a-a-aw !" eauie 
 f.om tin. pensive erow, startled from its 
 quiet n-ireat in the old dead eo* '.oiiwood, 
 :>inl Miss Middlerih giggled. lUit Mr. M. 
 inl't tte>! his lungs and i oared on : 
 
 ' til. .;liir> mm \\\\; on, 
 O' f till' ^.lill ra(liane«« — " 
 
 " Tv.mile ,le twoolle, caw, caw, tweetle 
 doodlfl^e.i :\veet! K-r-r-l r i -krk. kikl 
 tweenee.ll' > <■{ tweet I teedle, idle, wlinot, : 
 toot, (wool I nho ! stpiaidt, sipiaeU, k r-r-r j 
 
 Mur I'p, >'e nasiy, .'•■Muauking, v.allipin' 
 howliu' litMe heaMsI Slnu)! Ligiit onto' 
 tills or I'll s'.ne \ efroni lii'i\' to Hiditax! Scat 
 with yer noise! Olil'' exolaimed "m exaa- 
 
 fiorated woisliipper of nature as hi luiiled his 
 look into I he nearest tree and went oil' the 
 poivh to link I'or some stoni'S, " If there ib 
 aiij tiling in tMs world 1 hate nmrt^ than an- 
 other, its a lot of nasty, llitteiiug, tidgety, 
 
 yowping, howling birds! Ugh!" And he 
 threw his shoulder nearly out of joint, and 
 ojirained his .•irm. in jv In lenh-an but futile 
 edbrt to lilt abhukliiid a mih' and a halt 
 away, with a mek as l)ig as a straw liat. \\v 
 has dropjied thesuliduir baths for the present 
 and taken to arniea. 
 
 Buyln«r a Tin Cup. 
 
 The town Avas do/ing ill the drow<<y sun- 
 light nf a dull .Vni'ii."'. al'terno«>ii, >\h«n a de- 
 jeeteil lookiui: man, witii the appearance oi 
 »>ne who was making desjierate efl'orts to ap- 
 pear unctmeerntd. steppe. 1 into a j)rominent 
 and fashionable dry-gocds estaldishnient up 
 on deft'erson-stiet't. SeeiJiing the jirotlered 
 8to<d, he braeed liiinself linnly against the 
 lanuder. and, looking the p.dite and attentive 
 clerk lixetlly inthee\c. hndvethe impressive 
 silence by abruptly di'iiiajxling: 
 
 " tiimnie tiiilviipl " 
 
 " We 'ii not l:eepthein, sir," smilingly re- 
 plied the alliilili I !erk, and the glare of sus- 
 picion vitli M liieh that man regarded him 
 was sullieieiit to idiili the blood of a snake. 
 
 " l>( nkee]) tinknp.- ''" he asked, tjuiekly 
 and distrusttiilly. 
 
 " No, .sir," replied tin- (derk. " wo have 
 no tin-eups. This is a dry-goods .store, \o'i 
 will tind the tin .^^tore farther up the street." 
 
 "Few doidi''<"p uotinkups w alrhkeep l*' 
 demanded ihe in;u>, im]ierii)iisly. 
 
 " We have gren;idin(>s, ealieo.s, bareges, 
 gros grain rihlmii.--, t;irletan, vel\its, moire, 
 .•inti(|ne, empress rhitli, pongee and >lapanc8e 
 silks 
 
 Shut her otlT' ejaculated the man, " I'nt- 
 tit up! I'uttit up!" 
 
 Me turiH'd a\v;i3' with a dignilied gesture, 
 and walked away with stately, thouj.h un- 
 certain .strides, ami dived into the IMumlor 
 store, where he startletl the i>roprit>tor by 
 tlic s.uue ur.,< ut '!i';i::i^l f'lV the "'.iidvup, ' 
 and hewas iiiiaU\ piloted into KaiitX' Kriech- 
 banm's, where he bought his " tinkup," 
 which lie fell down on hefove he got !■) the 
 Harret House cDrncr, mashing it as Hnt as a 
 
 pic OS I. 1 ' . .. -..^ 1.-1;.,' !.it i> 'i v\ ..;gO»l 
 
 and, .i.i he iiioNi' ,i\\,t\, i.!,w Ui\sl tile eiti>' n.- 
 saw ot him he w.aa holding the ilattcnod tin 
 cup hiM'ore him, exelain.i: g nu iully : 
 " Devlofa Itxtkin- I ;ikupthatis:" 
 
 One of the Legion. 
 
 A 1 i;i/.en (>!' <Miiti IJilJ, 
 
 llifi viisa^^ ti.'iilied ni lears. 
 His r.iinie .1 ■•■vk o i<i'd w ith run :tn\ . dn^l. 
 
 Ills mit.d ili^li-iiiuihl Willi tears, 
 W'/is It auiiiK n;) 'n,\ Ihe > hat lei ed m>,lc, 
 
 .\\u\ lii-i Kid «>,M'.-* Ki'i.ed around 
 \\ here ici kle s ruin heri' and tliere 
 
 \\ ilh I'r 11 iiii'iii-i a\vi w I il ihe i.'roiiiid. 
 Dill a lira) iniii sloo I )ie.>iile liim 
 
 To heai' wluii heiiiit;lit say. 
 As lie str<>te1ie(l Idiii out Ids uoud rl^ht arm 
 
 And waited lor hi;« i'a.\. 
 
i!" And Ik' 
 of joint, and 
 n Imt t'utili' 
 iiud a halt 
 vivw 1 1 at. He 
 11- thf present 
 
 (lrow«<y sun- 
 wlu n a tU'- 
 
 ipi^'ninnce of 
 I'tl'orfs to ap- 
 a prominent 
 lisbnient up 
 
 the pidtlbreil 
 JVL'iiiiist the 
 
 and attentive 
 V iniprossivc 
 
 ' smilingly ic- 
 i',!;ii'c of SU8- 
 
 rc!.' a 111 til liini 
 of a snake, 
 ivi'il, ([uickiy 
 
 . " wo have 
 
 |8 store. Yo'i 
 i tile street." 
 w.iti likeojt ?" 
 
 V. 
 
 eos, liareues, 
 I vets, nioire, 
 aihl .lapanoae 
 
 Mian, 
 
 Put 
 
 litied gesture, 
 
 iiioiij^h uu- 
 
 the rUuulor 
 
 proprietor by 
 
 ;i' " tlTlkup. 
 
 autX- Kriecii- 
 is " tinkup," 
 e got t') the 
 t nx tiat aa a 
 
 'i! \\ /.'Mfoti 
 111.' eiti'-. I..- 
 
 ilatlenoil tin 
 
 iili.v: 
 
 litis!" 
 
 I .'lUi. (lll^t. 
 
 ir^, 
 
 •tl K'Ue, 
 
 n<l 
 
 lli.ve 
 
 UTlMlllli, 
 Ml 
 
 Dvl I'l^tiit arm 
 
 A TACTITURN WITNE88. 
 
 Tb» weepinu: mover faltered 
 
 As Uesaw llie itniymaushunvl. 
 .\ml lie saiil. " I hiiveii'l a red, lod cent 
 
 In al". of ttiis ln>mil fair laiitl. 
 I liaven'i a (Mollies to my a 'hiiiK back 
 
 Save only these ra^s you see : 
 And all (he furniliire I havo left 
 
 Won'l pay you half your fee. 
 Theri>'s a Ux oi the table in tho street, 
 
 .\nd the laiui> !,'lM')t^s sirew the sUiir, 
 And the sii>vopi|io's llatteneduin like a lath, 
 
 Andtheoloolv is not nowhere. 
 
 " Toll my wife, if you can Had her. 
 
 Thai when thojoh was »h)no, 
 The fiirnilure wasn't half so Kood 
 
 As ii was when we l)rKaii. 
 That the end of n bureau ahe';4 looking for 
 
 la tiowii by the alley Kate, 
 And the jMirlonr mirror is bent doliad 
 
 She ni'vec ran pound it slfaijjht. 
 We broke tlu< le^s ()f the kitchen atore. 
 
 And we smashed the I'aritiu vtute, 
 And the dray ran ; ver her rockinif chair 
 
 And ruined its stati>ly graco. 
 
 '"Tell my sislpr, herdarliiix now Hpring hat 
 
 NN'as packed in a b);m of corn; 
 An-i I nevtT aKain can U)()k in her f»ee 
 
 And lUt'Ot her ulaiiee of soorn. 
 We spilled coa! oil on her Huminnr silk, 
 
 Aiul we tor»> h«r cashmere saeiiuo, 
 For h;'r dri'ssiiig bureau fell oirtne dray 
 
 And the horse kicked out its bat k. 
 
 "Tht>re's another, not a sister, 
 
 In kavniier tiays tyoiie by, 
 You'tl know her by the navaRC light 
 
 That gliltcrtMt in Inr eve. 
 Too business-like for foou>ry. 
 
 Tt)i) sharp for my <>xcuscs - 
 Ah me, I tear atlvtM'sity 
 
 lias naiiLcltl but bitter usea; 
 T«>ll ln>r, riit> last time vt<u saw mo 
 
 l<'t)r eri> thi' clock striK(>s ten, 
 I'll bo at work on tlio "rhii 1 Degroe,' 
 
 The hip lieat of nit>n ; 
 Tiill her 1 saltl that ahe could go 
 
 To the bow wow-wow-wow-wows; 
 That I'd aiay iltjwji town when lodge was 
 tiut. 
 
 And sleep at a boarding-houac 
 Tell her she need not sit up for m«. 
 
 And she n imIu'i leave no light— " 
 \ Mil >i \ e ei- e>rii'- (Mil of ll^- hall a ml '■;•.!,', 
 
 " \ on tloii'l n\i III lui lsiiii;i) tii-nighl. ' 
 
 His voice was gone in a minute. 
 
 He f<a-petl and trit<d tospeak ; 
 lie tried lo swear, bill the drayman aaya 
 
 That he coiiliiirt r.iiso .i.stiueuk. 
 
 -S'lil his mi»il<!>'-i!i I'lw ri>iie .-ilow '." , 
 
 Ami calmly s le looked ilown 
 i)n lht< txreiMi grasit of the litlerctl yartl. 
 
 With liouscnold treasuri's slrt>w'n. 
 Vei4, ealnih <>n thai drtMitlfiil scen« 
 
 Sli(> ga/.ed, and looko'l arounil. 
 And she said to the weeping man by the 
 gale, 
 
 " I'lck th <m thliurs up oil" the ground," 
 
 A Taclt\irn Wltneas. 
 
 "Now, then, Mr. O'Sliuui-hut^ssy," aaid 
 the court, "tell what you know about this 
 matter in as few ^vonls as you po^isibly can." 
 " Faix, thin, your anncr, an' 1 will do tluit 
 same," roplietl the witness witli great volu- 
 bility. " Av there is ony lliiiig 1 »l<i lie tle- 
 spisin' it's wan of tliim same w luirrimurroo 
 gabblers that niver know whin tiiey'ro 
 through. When ye git troo luiiiipiu, aez I, 
 lave the handle : that's mc An ye niver 
 see an O'Shaughnesay in the wor-rl-il, yer 
 anner, tliat wur a cxckler. I miiul me 
 mither's own uncle that ever was, 'rim the 
 croaker, they used to be callin' liim, though 
 his name was Timothy Mahom t>'l)onl)le- 
 rigglo Ballbrigganainey, for be the token ho 
 niver wur known to say more than wan wor- 
 rud at a time, yer unnur. an' that wan he 
 I said with a grunt. Tliere was wan dav, 
 whin he wur gamekeeper for my lortl Donaid 
 McAlpiu Clanargotty I'allum O'Dowd, s 
 Scotch geutleman that owned a bitav aslioot* 
 in' box might be, in tlio north nv 
 
 "Well, there, there there," intcrrujiteii 
 the court, "that's enoiigli about your ances- 
 try ; now tell what you know about tliis case 
 of yours, ami stick to tiie point." 
 
 "The p'int, is it, aviek '" replied the witncsa; 
 
 "Muaha, thin, it wur fwhat, I wur eomin' to 
 
 jiat. It'a wliat I sez to Mrs. ()'ShaiiL;liiicsay 
 
 twinty times a day, an' slie's tiie wur r-rst 
 
 talker between here an' l>ublin bay. ' No- 
 
 rah,' scz I ; 'la it you,' sez she : 'Knix tiiin, 
 
 an' who else wml it be'.'' sez I ; ' An" pwhat 
 
 uv it?' aez ahe ; Div ye mind me now ?' scz 
 
 I ; 'Sorra the wan uv me tlocs,' sez she ; 
 
 'Wait thin, till 1 tell ye," sez I; 'Whisht, 
 
 thin, go on with your blarney, sez alio ; 
 
 'Howlilyour hush a miiiit, tliiii,' sez I ; "an' 
 
 let's have a secotul uv (|uict ;' 'What !' ao/. 
 
 she, 'will ye in the house '!' "l.islhen,' sez I; 
 
 ■Whisper, t'l'ii.af' sue; ' »Vf.l|^ tlo.n " >"•/. 
 
 I, 'kapo to the pint. Av yez will tlo iiothiii' 
 
 but talk from the peep o' nmr-rrn till the 
 
 lasht wink av nig'at, kape till the p'iiit." .\h, 
 
 yer aimer, it'a the wan fur talkjii , she ia, iH 
 
 Norah, It i.su't an ()'.Sli,vu:ucsa\ ahe la, 
 
 yer anner, her fadicv, c, ; , iii • ..>.i. was 
 
 ould F>arby Muldoon, tiie solid iiKiii, an' he 
 
 wur siut to Anatiiialia for twenty -siviii 
 
 1 years' panai sarvitude fur talkiii' a tiiiaveller 
 
 'to ileath when he wur tlhrivin' him from--" 
 
 I '"That will do," saitl the enuit sternly ; 
 
 "we've hoard enougii of yom i etuiniHeenecs, 
 
 , Nt»w you tell what you know uf this case, 
 
 I'll line you ftir tuuileiupt. Vou have 
 
 I or 
 
 '\ii ordinary ease of iivsauit. aiitl battery Tiled informatum again-*' Mollis Meilogadan 
 was 
 the 
 
 ealied in .Imlge Stutsman's court, and 
 proseeutiiie witTiess was tlnly sworn : 
 Pheliin ()'.''^llallgllm•ssy, a little weazen-faced 
 man, witii a stiiiibly iieard all over his jaws 
 and a pair of briglit eyes Hanking the snub- 
 bieat of noses. 
 
 for assaulting you witli a paviiu' iiammer, 
 in the hack yard of Vmir ow ii preiuisea ia 
 Melrose Place, Hapjiy llollou. un.l knocking 
 throe teeth down your throat, breaking oiio 
 of your ribs, and chew iiii; your ear .'IT. Mow 
 what have you got to .say alumt it ? " 
 
40 
 
 CORNERING THE BOYS. 
 
 " "Is it tne, avick ?" 
 
 "Yes, you are the prosecutine witness; 
 that is your own case, and you nled the in- 
 formation on which the warrant was issued. " 
 
 " An' it says that Morris McHogadan bate 
 me?" 
 
 " It does, and it is sworn to." 
 
 "Oh, the divil an' all ; who shwore to 
 thatf 
 
 "You did." 
 
 "Phwat?" 
 
 " You swore to all that." 
 
 " Oh, tower uv ivory ! That Morris Mc- 
 Hogadan bate me?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Wid a pavin' hammer ? " 
 
 " Yes, so you declared." 
 
 "Oh-h-h, thundher an' turf ! An* bate me 
 teeth down the troat av me ? " 
 
 "So you averred." 
 
 " Oh, the bloody-minded villin ; an' broke 
 me rib ? " 
 
 ' ' That's what you said. " 
 
 " Oh-h-h, bones «f the martyni ; and chaw- 
 ed off the ear o' me ? " 
 
 "So you told us." 
 
 "Oh, to the divil wid the informashin that 
 says sich a pack o' lies. Morris McHogadan 
 bate me ! Och, Moses an' Aarin, its tearin' 
 ravin' disthracte^ mad I am I Why, yer 
 anner, it's a bloody-minded lie. He can't 
 fip one side o' mo ; why, the pig-eye 1 thafe 
 ov the wor-rold, I clawed all the red hair 
 out ov the ugly head of him and trowed him 
 down the bank or the creek, and welted him 
 like an ould shoe wid a splinter ov timber I 
 flfrabbed out ov the creek. He bate me ? He 
 can't bate nobody. I didn't leave a whole 
 bone in his ugly carkiss, an' av he dares to 
 •ay I did, yer anner, I'll ate off his other ear 
 ftn' pound the flu -e wid him. Oh, the divil 
 fly away wid sich iufermashin. It's the beg- 
 gar's own lie, an' " 
 
 Here witness was cUv short by the court 
 fining him flOOOand costs for assault and 
 battery, and Phelim, astonished into a ter- 
 rific flow of volubility for such a taciturn man, 
 went away with a policeman, arguing that 
 it wasn't possible that he conld be fined when 
 he was the prosecuting witness, and declar- 
 ing that the case never would have cone 
 against him bat for "the bloody-minded in- 
 formashin," which he firmly b«liev«d to bt 
 the evil work of the deaignmg Morris Mc- 
 Hogadan. 
 
 Cornering the Boyi. 
 Only a few davs before they moved the 
 •Apital, a worthy lady of Peoria one morning 
 detected her two sons laughing immoderate- 
 ly. Suspecting that she was the oause of 
 their disreapeotial mirth, the good woman 
 
 involuntarily loosened her slipper and called 
 up the young culprits. 
 
 "Thomas, what made you laugh ?" 
 
 " Nobody made me laugh ; I laughed on 
 purpose." 
 
 "None of your impudence, sir. John, 
 why were you laughing at the door just now?" 
 
 John (eagerly) — -'Wasn't laughing at the 
 door, I was laughing at TomI" 
 
 Tom — " And I was laughing at John." 
 
 The matron assumed a dignified attitude. 
 " Now, my boys, what were you both laugh- 
 ing at ?" 
 
 Boys (in a triumphant shout) — "We were 
 both laughing at once !" 
 
 The good lady su.iimoned all her energies 
 for a final effort, and resolved to corner the 
 boyB by a settling question. 
 
 " Now, then, I want you to tell me, Tom, 
 what made John laugh and you laugh ?" - 
 
 Tom — " John didn't laugh a new laugh ; 
 it was the same old laugh ! 
 
 Neither of the boys got whipped, the slip- 
 per slii back to it accustomed place, and to 
 this day nobody knows what those boys 
 laughed at. 
 
 The Seedsman. 
 How doth the busy nurseryman 
 
 '-nprove each shining hour ; 
 ^i.t>'J. peddle scions, sproutsand seeds 
 
 Of every shrub and flower, 
 
 How busily he wags his chin. 
 How neat he spreads his store. 
 
 And sells us things that never grew 
 And won't grow any more. 
 
 Who showed the little man the way 
 
 To sell the women seedl 
 Who taught him how to blow and lie 
 
 And coax and beg and plead 1 
 
 He taught himself, the nurseryman ; 
 
 And when his day is done. 
 Well plan t him where the lank rag weeds 
 
 Will flutter in the sun. 
 
 But oh, although we plant him deep 
 
 Beneath the Duttercup, 
 He's so much like the seed he sells, 
 
 He nevpi ?'ill come u;^. 
 
 8eLliu;< Oue Heirloom. 
 One aftewic lort a week after the big 
 
 Fourth of /uly, rt hi g/y-looking man made 
 hill appearance do vu near the post offioa 
 comer, carrying in his arms an old-fashioned 
 cl'jck, f«bout four feet high, with some ghast- 
 ly locking characters scrawled across the 
 dial, like the photograph of a fire-cracker 
 label with the delirium tremens. He set the 
 dock down, and in loud tones called apOB 
 tiie passers-by to pause, as he was about t* 
 make a saorince that would break the heart 
 of the oldest horologer living. He was going 
 to sell that clock, he said. An old family 
 lieirloom, and agenuiue curiosity of antiquiity, 
 
 which h 
 ands of 
 because 
 when hi 
 bread, I 
 had tha 
 intellige 
 plenty. 
 " Gen 
 A relic 
 Chinese 
 case anc 
 ounce o\ 
 China 
 Pitshoo, 
 hundrec 
 thousan 
 course 
 these ha 
 is in th( 
 Chinese 
 ' Time 
 Now wl 
 docK ? 
 eut it t( 
 Burling 
 her up ; 
 men ; t 
 haven't 
 can't ge 
 is in m] 
 never h 
 A ma 
 lounged 
 the case 
 was rea 
 ten ceni 
 "Tei 
 eyes—' 
 Don't B 
 time to 
 starvi'i; 
 for a d- 
 could r 
 Why.l 
 a mont 
 tells jii 
 the dc] 
 when t 
 dock, 
 boy ha 
 it tells 
 iliunda; 
 mtnut< 
 dei>art 
 ten o'c 
 it six 
 dollar! 
 all nig 
 in th( 
 in th 
 accur* 
 Ten 
 
>er and called 
 
 I langhed on 
 
 sir. John, 
 »or just now?" 
 ighing at the 
 
 rt John." 
 fied attitude. 
 1 both langh- 
 
 -"We were 
 
 her energies 
 o corner the 
 
 lell me, Tom, 
 angh ?" 
 new laugh ; 
 
 ted, the slip- 
 place, and to 
 those boys 
 
 an 
 
 d seeds 
 
 )re, 
 r grew 
 
 le way 
 
 and lie 
 it 
 
 7nian ; 
 
 : ragweeds 
 
 ideep 
 sells, 
 
 Fter the big 
 man ma(M 
 post offioe 
 il-fashioned 
 some ghast- 
 across th« 
 N re-cracker 
 He set the 
 liUed npoB 
 iS about t* 
 the heart 
 ) was going 
 old family 
 antiquity, 
 
 SELLINQ THE HE.IRLOOM. 
 
 41 
 
 which he would not ordinarily take thous- 
 ands of dollars for, but which he sold now 
 because he was out of work, penniless ; and 
 when his wife and children cried to him for 
 bread, he could not say them nay when he 
 had that in his possession that would, in any 
 intelligent community, bring them food and 
 plenty. 
 
 "Gentlemen, he said, " look at that clock. 
 A relic of antiquity. One of the oMest 
 Chinese clepsydras in the wo"ld. Bamboo 
 case and sandal-wood running; gear. Not an 
 ounce of metal in its construction. Made in 
 China by the eminent horologer Tchin 
 Pitshoo, as near as can be ascertained, i^hree 
 hundred years after the flood. Worth a 
 thousand dollars if its worth a cent ; but of 
 course I don't expect to get half its value in 
 these hard times. The inscription on the face 
 is in the characters of the purest Confucian 
 Chinese and the interpretation of them is, 
 ' Time flies and money is twelve per cent.' 
 Now what are you going to give me for that 
 clocK ? Who will buy this clock, and pres- 
 ent it to the Iowa Historical Society or the 
 fiurlington Library? How much? Start 
 her up ; send her ahead at something, gentle- 
 men ; there's a woman and five children that 
 haven't had a bite to eat for two days, and 
 can't get a crumb till tLe money for this clock 
 is in my pocket. A marvellous time-p'ece ; 
 never lost " 
 
 A man in brown overalls and a dirty face 
 lounged up to the clock, and after scratching 
 the case with a pin, tu assure himself that it 
 was really a genuine Chinese clepsydra, bid 
 ten cents. 
 
 "Ten cents !" roared the man, rolling his 
 eyes — "Heaven hold back your lightnings ! 
 Don't strike him dead just yet ! Give him 
 time to repent. Ten cents to buy food for a 
 starving woman and five children. Ten cents 
 
 for a d " He choked with emotion, and 
 
 could not go on for a moment. ' ' Ten cents ! 
 Why, that clock only has to be wound once 
 a month, and it records every minute of time; 
 tells just how long it will take you to get to 
 the depot ; tells when the train starts, and 
 when the children are late to school. This 
 dock, gentlemen, will tell when the oldest 
 boy has played hookey and gone off fishing ; 
 it tells how late the hired girl's beau stays 
 Vunday nighc, and it will register the exact 
 minute of our oldest daughter's arrival and 
 departure at and from the front gate after 
 ten o'clock at night. Why, after you've had 
 it six weeks, you'll not take six hundred 
 dollars for it. It runs fast all day and slow 
 »il uight, giving a man fourteen hours' sleep 
 in the winter and sixteen hours' sleep 
 in the summer, without disturbing the 
 accurate arerage of the day a minnte. 
 Ten cents for sooh a dock as 
 
 that ! Ten cents ! Gentlemen, this is 
 robbery ; it's cold-blooded murder. At ten 
 cents ; at ten, at ten, atten, atten, attenat- 
 tennit-tennit-tennet-tena-tena-tena-ten a-a-t 
 ten cents only am I offered, twenty do I 
 hear? Atten " 
 
 An old rag man, after a critical examina- 
 tion of the marvel, bid fifteen cents, and was 
 instantly regarded as a mortal entsmy by the 
 first bidder. 
 
 " Fifteen cents !" exclaimed the seller. 
 "Gentlemen, knock me down and rob ine of 
 my clothes, strip me naked if you will, but 
 don't.pluuder a gasping, starving woman and 
 five weak, helpless babes. Don't rob the 
 dyingt Fifteen cents. Why, I've suffered 
 more than three hundred dollars' worth of 
 privation and sorrow and miBery,Tather than 
 sell this clock at all. Fifteen cents. Why, 
 you set that clock where the sun shines on it, 
 and it will indicate a rain storm three days 
 in advance, and will tell where the lightning 
 is going to strike. Why, you could make 
 millions by buying this clock to bet on. It 
 will tell, just three weeks before election, 
 who is going to beat. It's a credit to any 
 household, and will run the whole family on 
 tick. Fifteen cents I why, it won't pay for 
 the shelf you stand it on. Fifteen cents for 
 a clock that used to be owned by an emper- 
 or I Fifteen cents. Oh, kill me dead. At 
 fifteen cents, fifteen, tiftn, fiftn, fift, ntift, 
 ntift, nfiftnn^ftnnfift, t-a-a-a-at fifteen cents 
 for a clock that can't be duplicated this aide of 
 the Yang tse Kianer. At fifteen ce — thank 
 you sir, twenty cents I have ; twenty cents 
 to feed a starving family of seven souls ; 
 twenty cents for s. barefooted woman and five 
 ragged cliildren that haven't tasted food since 
 Monday morning ; twenty cents, from a city 
 of thirty thousand inhabitants, for a starving 
 family ; there's Christian philanthropy for 
 you. Twenty cents from the commercial 
 capital of Iowa, for a clock that would be 
 snapped up anywhere else ia the world at 
 hundreds, merely for its antiquity ; there's 
 intelligent appreciation of the arts and cul- 
 ture for you. Gentleuien, I can't stand it 
 much longer ; my heart is breaking. Twenty 
 cects, twenty cents, twenty, twenty, twen, 
 twen, twentwentwen, and sold — a thousand 
 dollar clock, starving woiuaii, dying children, 
 hebrt-broken man, and all to the second-hand- 
 storo man for twenty cents." 
 
 He took his money, a ragged shinplaster 
 and two street-car nickels, and walked away 
 with a dejected, heart-broken air. He 
 stopped in at a bakery with frosted windows 
 and transient doors, to buy bread for his 
 starving wife and babes, and his voice wtm 
 hnsky with emotion as he said to the natty 
 looking baker, whose diamond pin glittered 
 OTST the walnut counter, 
 
 " Oimme • plain aear," 
 
 /^ 
 
42 
 
 SODDING AS A FINE ART. 
 
 The Romance of the Carpet. 
 
 Basking in peace, in the warm Spring sun, 
 South Hill smilea upon Burlington. 
 
 The breach of May ! and (he day was fair, 
 And the biiijht motes danced in the balmy air, 
 
 And the sunlight gleamed where the restless 
 
 breeze 
 Kissed the fragrant blooms on the apple trees. 
 
 HiB beardless cheek with a smile was spanned 
 As he stood with ;i carriage-whip in lus hand. 
 
 And he laughed as he doffed his bob-tailed coat. 
 And the echoing folds of the carpet smote. 
 
 And sho smiled as she leaned on her busy mop. 
 And said she would loll him when to stop. 
 
 So he pounded away till the dinner bell 
 Gave him a little breathing spell. 
 
 But he sighed when the kitchen clock struck 
 
 one; 
 And she said the carpet wasn't done. 
 
 But he loriiigly put in hia biggest licks. 
 
 And pounded like mad till the clock struck six. 
 
 And she said, in a dubious kind of way. 
 
 Thai -she ^'uessed he could finish it up next day. 
 
 Tlion all that day, and the next day too. 
 The fuzz frani the dustless carpet new. 
 
 And she'd give it a look at eventide. 
 And Hiiy, "'Now beat on the other side." 
 
 And the now days came as the old days went 
 And the landlord came for Iuk tegular rent. 
 
 And the neighbours laughed at the tirelesa 
 
 boom. 
 And his face was shadowed with clouds of 
 
 gloom ; 
 
 Till at last, one cheerless winter day. 
 Ho kicked at the carpet and slid away; 
 
 Over 1 he Tencc and down the street, 
 Spcpding away with footsteps fleet ; 
 
 And uevr;- atvuin I he iiioniiug buu 
 Smiled ui liim beating hib carpet dt um ; 
 
 And South Hill often said, with a yawn, 
 " When; iuw the carpet martyr gone?" 
 
 Years twice twenty h>d come and passed, 
 
 A>.<\ ill", vpci •.;\\ a,_M>(l iii the aiii""i'i blast; 
 
 For never yet, since that bright spring time, 
 Had it ever been taken down from the line. 
 
 Over tlic fciiee a ;;i'ay -haired man 
 Cautiously (jlim, clumo. rluai, clum,clam; 
 
 He found hliii a si ick in the old woodpile, 
 Aim iu; guiliered ii up wi h a sad, grim smile. 
 
 A (ui-'.i ;Mi;ed cx.i-his (,['•<} forlorn 
 
 Ab hc,i.izi'd at hir. carpet Ip.ftcrcd and lorn ; 
 
 And he hit a woai rci lundin,;! thwack. 
 Till the startled air gave its echoes back 
 
 And out of the window a white face leaned, 
 And a paNied hand the sad eyes screened. 
 
 She knew his face— she gasped, she sighed : 
 " A little more on the under side." 
 
 Right down on the ground his stick he throwed, 
 
 And he shivered and muttered, " Well, I am 
 
 bio wed !" 
 
 And he turned away, with a heart full sore. 
 And he never was seen, not none i:o more. 
 
 Sodding as a Fine Art. 
 
 One day, early in the sjjring, Mr. Blosberg, 
 who lives out on Nintli- street, made up his 
 mind tliat he would soil his front yard him 
 self, and when he had formed this public- 
 spirited resolution, he proceeded to put it 
 into immediate execution. He cut his sod, 
 iu righteous and independent andlibevty-lov 
 ing disregard of the ridictilous city ordinance 
 in relation thereto, from the patches of ver 
 dure that the cows had permitted to obtain 
 a temporary growth along the side, of the 
 street, and proceeded to beautify bis front 
 yard therewitli. Just as he Laid the first sod, 
 Mr. Thwackery, his next door neighbour, 
 passed by. 
 
 "Good land, Blosberg," he shouted, 
 " you'll never be able to make anything of 
 such a sod ai< that. NVby, its three inches 
 too thick. That sod will cake ui> and dry 
 like a brick. You want to shave at least 
 two inches and a half oH the bottnm of it, so 
 the roots of the grass will yrovv into the 
 ground and unite the sod with the eartli. 
 That sod is thick enough for a corner 
 stone." 
 
 So Mr. Blosberg took the spade and shav- 
 ed the sod down until it was thin and about 
 as pliable as a buck- wheat cake, and Mr 
 Thwackery pronounced it all right and sure 
 to grow, aii(l passed on. Just as Mr. Bios 
 berg got it laid down the second time, old 
 Mr. Teinpleton, who lived on the next block, 
 came ahtug and leiiied on the fence, intently 
 observnig the dodder's nidvoments. 
 
 " Well now, Blosberg," he said at length, 
 '* I did think you liad better sense than that. 
 Don't you know a sod \rill never grow on 
 that hard ground? Yon must spade it all 
 up til -I, :uiu ')!■(.'.■'-!. t:'(' d'.'t uj) lino and ;;:>tr 
 to the depth of at least four inches, or the 
 grass can never take root in it. Don't waste 
 your time and sod by [lutting grass on top of 
 such a baked brick-iloor as that." 
 
 And Mr. Blosl)eig laid aside the sod and 
 took up the spade and laboured under Mr. 
 Templeton's directions until the ground was 
 properly prepared for the sod, and t)u,n Mr. 
 Tem))let(m, telling him that sod couMii't die 
 on tliat ground now if lie tried to kill it, 
 went his way and Mr. lilosl)erg picked lip 
 that precious sod a third time, and prepared 
 to put it in its (ilaee. Before he had fairly 
 poised it over tlie spot, however, his hands 
 were arrested by a territic shout, and look 
 
he sighed : 
 
 !k he throwed 
 " Well, I am 
 
 t fiill soi-e, 
 i.'O more. 
 
 rt. 
 
 Mr. Blosberg, 
 
 made up his 
 nt yard him- 
 
 this public- 
 id to put it 
 
 cut his sod, 
 d libe/ty-lov- 
 ity ordinance 
 itches of ver- 
 ed to obtain 
 
 side, of the 
 
 tify his front 
 
 the first sod, 
 
 >r neighbour, 
 
 he shouted, 
 
 anything of 
 
 tliree inches 
 
 Uf> and dry 
 
 ave at least 
 
 ttnin of it, so 
 
 nv into the 
 
 1 tlie eartli. 
 
 tor a corner 
 
 ide and shav- 
 in and about 
 ke, and Mr. 
 ight and sure 
 as Mr. Bios- 
 ud time, old 
 16 next block, 
 ince, intently 
 its. 
 
 id at length, 
 ise than that. 
 rev grow on 
 
 spade it all 
 iiiG .'hkI ;:>fr 
 iches, or the 
 
 Don't waste 
 ass on top of 
 
 the sod and 
 I under Mr. 
 ) ground was 
 lid t;i(;n Mr. 
 couMii't die 
 I to kill it, 
 ; picked up 
 nd prepared 
 B had fairly 
 r, his hands 
 t, and look- 
 
 SODDING AS A FINE ART. 
 
 43 
 
 ing up he saw Major Bladgers shaking his 
 cane nt him over the fence. 
 
 " Blosberg, you insufferable donkey." 
 roared the Major, "don't you know that 
 you'll lose every blade of grass you can carry 
 if you ].ut your sod on that dry '.'round ? 
 There, you have gone iiud cut it so thin that 
 all the roots of tlie grn^s are cut and bleeil- 
 ing, and you must soak the ground with 
 water until it is a perfect pulp, so that tlie 
 roots will sink right into it, and draw mitri- 
 tioiufroiu the moist earth. Wet her down, 
 Blosbi'ig, if you wont to see your labour re- 
 sult in any thing. 
 
 So Mr. Blosberg put the sod aside again, 
 and wont and pumped water and carried it 
 around in buckets until his back ached like 
 a soft corn, and when he had finally trans- 1 
 formed his front yard into a morass, the ma- j 
 jor was satisfied, and assuring Mr. Blosberg ! 
 that his sod would grow beautifully now, I 
 even if he had laid it on upside down, march- i 
 ed auay, and Mr. Bloslierg made a fourth; 
 effort to put down the first sod in its place. 
 He ,i;ot it down and was going back after an- ' 
 other, when old Mrs. Twcedlebug checked , 
 him in his wild career. | 
 
 "Lawk, Mr. Blosb(?rg, ye mustn't go off 
 an' leave that sod lying that way. You 
 must take the spade and beat it ilown hard, 
 till it IS all Hat and level, and close to the 
 groiimi everywhere. You must pound it 
 hanl, or the weeds will all start up u uler it 
 and crowd out the grass." 
 
 Mr. iilosberg wx'ut back, and stooping over 
 the sod hit it a resounding thwack with his 
 spade that shot gr..-at flouts and splotches of 
 mud all over the parlour windows and half ' 
 way to the top of the house, and some of it l 
 came llying into his face and on his clothes, 
 while a miscellaneous shower made it dan- 
 gi'rous even for his adviser, who, with a fee- 
 bU? sluick of (lisappi-ob.iti(Ui, went hastily 
 away, digging raw mud out of her ears. Mr. i 
 B.'ohherg didn't know how long to keep on 
 poii'idiiig, ami he didn't see Mrs. Tweedle- j 
 buc; go a'vtiy, so he stood, with his spade 
 
 "■'l.->i' 111 .'n;,.!! .Hit' j!'-i i'^ t'S ■ I li'.'iu, 
 wititiii!.' i'M' instriictiiiiis. And as he waited 
 he \ra i lirju'ised to hear a new voice acecst 
 him. ic was the voice of Mr. ThiMtlcpod, 
 the old iigridilturi^ft, of wlio'u Mr. Llosberg 
 bougot his ajiples and butler. 
 
 "Hril". Mr. Closberg!" h.' shouted, in 
 tonoi Nil'.icli iidicau^ii that he cither believed 
 Mr. I'loaherg to beatunedeaf ortwo thousand 
 mile ■ awa.\. 
 
 :\i'\ I'losiKrg wi liked violently to get tin; 
 .soil (>;;' ut his eyes, and turned in the dircc- ^ 
 tion ot the iiiiife to say " (Jood evening." 
 
 "Soddin', hey 1;" askcrl Mr. Thistlepod. 
 
 "Trying to, sir," replied Mr. Blosberg, 
 rather cautiously. 
 
 " 'Spect it will grow, hey ?" 
 Mr. Blo.slKTg, having learned by very re- 
 cent experience how liable his plans were to 
 be overthrown, was still nou-coinmittal, and 
 replied that " he hoped sj." 
 
 " Wal, if ye hope so, ye mustn't go to 
 poundin' yer sod to pieces with that spade. 
 Ye don't want to ram it down so dad binged 
 tight and hard there can't no air git at the 
 roots. Y''e inuHt shake that sod up a little, 
 so as to loosen it. and tiuai jest pressit down 
 with yer foot oiitwill it jest teches the 
 ground nicely all round. .Sod's too thin, 
 anyhow." 
 
 So Mr. Blosberg thrust his hands into the 
 nasty mud under his darling, much-abused 
 sod, and spread his fingers wide apart to keep 
 it from breaking to pieces as he raised it, and 
 finally got it loosened up and pressed down 
 to Mr. Thistlepod's satisfaction, who then 
 tohl him he didn't believe he could make 
 that sod grow any way, and drove away. 
 Then Mr. Blosberg stepped back to loik at 
 that sod, fceliiig confident that he had i;ot 
 through with it, when young .Mr. Simpson 
 came along. 
 
 "Hello, P)lo.s, old Ij.>y ; watchu doin' ?" 
 
 Mr. Blosberu tiiiiotdiisly answered that he 
 was sodding a little. Then Air. .Simpson 
 pressed his lips very tightly together to re- 
 press a smile, and let his cheeks swell and 
 bulge out to the size of toy balloons with 
 suppressed merrimont, and dually burst into 
 a snort of derisive laughter that made the 
 windows rattle iu the lions., s nu the other 
 side of the street, and he went on, leaving 
 Mr, Blosberg somewhat nettleil and a little 
 discouraged. He stood, with his fingers 
 spread wide apart, holding his arms out Tike 
 wings, and wondering vvhether he had bet- 
 ter go get another sod or go wash his hands, 
 when a policciuaii came by and pausod. 
 "Soddin'?"' he asked, seiitentiously. 
 
 " Yessii-, a little," replied Mr. Bh>sberg, 
 respectfully. 
 
 "Where'd you get your sod ':" iiiiiuirtHl the 
 representative of public order. 
 
 Mr. 'i^/.;b^r, .uijLiiiii_\ iiivlii'aLu.i tiii; liltle 
 bart; p:ualleloj;rai)i in tiic .scanty patch of 
 verduica.s hi.s l>ase of supplies. 
 
 " You're the mail I've been luukiu' for, "re- 
 uliod [juhlie order. " You come along with 
 nie. 
 
 And Mr. i^loaber.;,' went almg, ami the 
 T'oli>'c .liid;.c lined him. *ll. '.);*». and when Mr. 
 Blosberg got liMuie he found that a cow had 
 got iiitii his yanl during his absehcc and 
 stepiied on that jirecious sod fivi^ timt's. and 
 put her foot clear throiiih it every time, so 
 that it looked bke .i patch ot' moss roll- 
 ed u)j in a wad. mine tlian a sod. And then 
 .Mr. Blosberg fill on his knees and raised his 
 hands to heaven, and registered a vow that 
 
44 
 
 THE AMENITIBS OP POLITICS. 
 
 he would never plant another sod if this 
 whole fertile world turned into a Sahara for 
 want of his aid. 
 
 The Amenities of Politics. 
 
 " There is one thing", said Mr. Leatherby, 
 as he was walking down town one drizzling, 
 disagreeable morning during the last presi- 
 dential campaign, " that disgusts me with 
 politics, and th;it is, the violent and abusive 
 tone in which our daily papers conduct the 
 discussion of every issue and question which 
 they touch upon." 
 
 " Indeed you may be well disgusted at 
 it," replied old Mr. Bartholomew, wlio had 
 just joined him. "It is as much as a man 
 can do to lift a newspaper off his door step 
 with a pair of tongs. Time and again I 
 throw the paper down half read, and I have 
 geriously thought of stopping it altogether, 
 for I consider its presence in my family a con- 
 tamination." 
 
 "It is, in truth," replied Mr. Leatherby ; 
 " it is worse than a contamination. It is 
 corrupting ; it has a degrading, brutalizing 
 influence, that is, I am convinced, undermin- 
 ing the foundations of our moral struc- 
 ture. The daily press of to-day is one great 
 engine of abuse, defamation, bad grammar, 
 worse language and worse morals. " 
 
 " I cannot see, for my part," said Mr. Bar- 
 tholomew, " why men cannot discuss politics 
 SB freely, as earnestly and as entirely free 
 from acrimonious expressions and feeling ^^s 
 
 Eirely exempt from abusive language of any 
 nd, from any heat and anger, in fact, as 
 they could discuss the grade of a street or 
 the style of a coat." 
 
 "And so I think," said Mr. Leatherby. 
 *' I can not, for my part conceive of an intel- 
 lect so waiped and na^iuw, a mind so shal- 
 low, that it can not carry on a discussion in 
 politics without falling into the asperities, 
 vulgarity, abusive detraction, and shameful 
 dander that is the reproach and disgrace of 
 the newspaper press. 
 
 " It is a form of idiocy, I believe," replied 
 old Mr. Bartholomew. " It is an indication 
 of a feeble mind that looks upon abuse as 
 an argument, and bullying as logic. I am 
 •nd always have been a Republican, but I 
 otoi express my disapproval of many Demo- 
 ^«tiv; measures in a gentlemanly manner ; 
 snd if I had not mind enough to keep my 
 temper, I would consider that I had no right 
 to talk politics." 
 
 "You are perfectly correct," rejoined Mr. 
 leatherby, earnestly ; " and while we agree 
 db some points in political controversy, I 
 being a life-long Democrat, yet we can freely 
 Mid with matual pleasure, and, I trust, 
 
 Sofit, meet and diiouai oar didioultiea in a 
 «ndly way, without giring way to the in- 
 
 sane and detestable exhibition of temper, 
 ignorance, and prejudice which marks the 
 tone of the morning paper." 
 
 "I had not noticed it so much in' the 
 Hawkeye," replied Mr. Bartholomew, with a 
 show of awakeuins; interest in the conversa- 
 tion ; "but when that trashy Democratic 
 sheet that pollutes the evening air is brought 
 to me by my neighbour, an ignorant dolt who 
 can neither read nor write, but takes the 
 paper as a party duty, and asks me to read 
 it to him, I am amazed that the gods of truth 
 and decency do not annihilate the infamous, 
 puerile sheet with their thunderlK>lts. " 
 
 " You must bear in mind, however," re- 
 joined Mr. Leatherby, speaking a trifle louder 
 thab was necessary in addressing a companion 
 whose hand was resting on his arm, "the 
 Gazette h.~* such a tide of corruption, such an 
 avalanche of political bigotry and villainy to 
 rebuke, that its voice must be raised in order 
 to be heard ; and it must speak buldly, de- 
 fiantly, and in the thunder tones of righteous 
 denunciation, to staitle the people into a 
 realizing sense of the peril which threatens 
 the country from Republican misrule and 
 tryanny. " 
 
 " By George 1' shouted Mr. BartholomeWi 
 "the Republican party is the last, the only 
 bulwark between the republic and eternal 
 ruin. I tell you, sir, once let the Democratie 
 
 {)arty obtain control of this government; oace 
 et that iufaiNons organization of political 
 thieves, kuueks, outlaws, and castaways take 
 charge of our political machinery, and we 
 will tind ourselves in the hands of a horde of 
 the most abandoned profligates, the most ut- 
 terly unprincipled, the most vicious, demoral- 
 ized, unconscionable, diabolical set of scoun- 
 drels that ever cheated the gallows." 
 
 " By the long-horned spoon !" roared Mr. 
 Leatherby , jerking his arm away from Mr. 
 Bartholomew's hand ; " if the satanic and in- 
 fernal plans of the Republican party were 
 carried out, with all their attendant knavery 
 and debauchery, this government would bea 
 rule of branded malefaotors and convicts, a 
 government of felons, a penal colony in which 
 the most hopelessly irreclaimable, graceless 
 villains wonld administer the law. The bad 
 faith of the Republican party, its ignominious 
 record, its vicious tendencies, has shockMl 
 the Christian world, and——" 
 
 " You're a liar !" yelled Mr. Bartholomew, 
 " and you are just like the rest of your 1 >esot* 
 ted, low-lived, ignorant class— a low, mean, 
 pitiful, beggarly, unscrupuIoHi and treacher- 
 ous set ; whose impudence in asking for th<^ 
 votes of honourable men is only equalled by 
 your rapacious and mnbridled greed for office,; 
 
 your " 
 
 " Yon are an old fool !" howled Mr. Leath- 
 erby^ " a oensoriotiB, clamorous, sourriloas. 
 
 foul-tongu 
 my name ' 
 You mista 
 gument, a 
 ment of fa 
 slander a 
 answer." 
 Shut 
 " Don t y 
 Blap year 
 your head 
 " You c 
 pulling ot! 
 Bartholon 
 publican i 
 and ring 
 bo the sne 
 meetings ! 
 "You'r 
 take it n\ 
 ing off his 
 Then N 
 him twic( 
 arms of hi 
 loose in 
 by a r 
 with his 
 by stop 
 over his 
 mew got : 
 with his c 
 the rooks 
 broke tv 
 hit Mr. 1^ 
 old gentle 
 dropited li 
 to the sto 
 the other 
 erby hnrli 
 missed th 
 eye of a p 
 rate them 
 rested tlu 
 and coats 
 they both 
 hatred au 
 abuse of 1 
 their inlli 
 the good 
 
 It hapi 
 ordinary 
 broken b 
 ly drama 
 there cor 
 a quiet, 
 few shori 
 sanctum 
 pressed 1 
 ef thepl 
 quick, av 
 woman 
 
of temper, 
 marks the 
 
 nuch in' the 
 mew, with a 
 be conversa- 
 Deraocrati« 
 ir is brought 
 iDt dolt who 
 takea the 
 me to read 
 ;ods of troth 
 le infaraoas, 
 bolts." 
 owever," re- 
 tritie louder 
 a companion 
 arm, "the 
 ion, suoh an 
 1 villainy to 
 iaed in order 
 buldly, de- 
 of righteous 
 tople into a 
 h threatens 
 nisrule and 
 
 rtholomeWi 
 it, the only 
 and eternal 
 Damocratie 
 imeut; once 
 of political 
 kawajs take 
 ry, and we 
 f a horde of 
 he most nt* 
 IS, demoral- 
 9t of scoun- 
 
 B." 
 
 roared iJir, 
 / from Mr. 
 mic and in- 
 party weN 
 nt knaTerj 
 would be a 
 convicts, a 
 ky in which 
 , graceless 
 The bad 
 {nominious 
 as shockad 
 
 tholomew, 
 ^our?>eaot' 
 ow, mean, 
 1 treacher- 
 ing for thu 
 rinalled by 
 i for office,; 
 
 Ar. JLeath' 
 lourriloaf,. 
 
 A THRILLING ENCOUNTER. 
 
 45 
 
 fonl-tongued old reprobate, and I disgrace 
 my name when I talk to you on the street. 
 You mistake vituperation and abuse for ar- 
 gument, and you reply to a simple plain state- 
 ment of facts with malignant and defamatory 
 slander and calumny, because you can't 
 answer." 
 
 "Shut up!" shrieked Mr. Bartholomew. 
 " Don t you say another word to me, or I'll 
 slap year ugly mouth ! By Geori^e, I'll kick 
 your headofif! ' 
 
 " You can't do it !" roared Mr. I.catherby, 
 pulling olf his coat, and dancing around Mr. 
 Bartholomew. " 1 can lick the whole lie- 
 publican party, from the big whiskey thief 
 and ring master in the White House down 
 to the sneak thief that picks pockets at mass 
 meetings ! I can " 
 
 "You're a fighting liar, and you daren't 
 take it ii}* !" howled Mr. Bartholomew, pull- 
 ing off his coat. 
 
 Then Mr. Leatherby ran up and kicked 
 him twice while he was struggling in the 
 arms of his coat, but the old geiitlemeu got 
 loose in a iias»h and hit Mr. Leather 
 by a resounding thwack on the nose 
 with his oane, and when Mr. Leather- 
 by stopped to hold a handkerchief 
 over his bleeding proboscis, Mr. Bartliolo- 
 mew got in a couple more real good ones 
 with his oane ; then Mr. Leatherby went for 
 the rooks in the macadamized street. He 
 broke tv windows iu a grocery })efore lie 
 hit Mr. Bartholomew when he caught the 
 old gentleman on the side of the head and 
 drop})ed him. Then Mr. BarthcdomeW took 
 to the sttine pile and hit a young lady on 
 the other side of the street, and Mr. Leath- 
 erby hurled a tremendous big rock, which 
 missed the old gentleman and blacked the 
 eye of a policeman who was coming to sepa- 
 rate them, but was so incensed that he ar- 
 rested tliem, and they were each fined $10 
 uid coats for righting in the street. And 
 they both finnly believe that the unbridled 
 hatred and unreasonable recriminations and 
 abuse of the daily ])apeid are iniquitous in 
 their intlueuce and should be suppressed for 
 the good of society. 
 
 A Thrilling Encounter. 
 
 It happens once in a wliile, that even the 
 ordinary routine of the editorial sanctum is 
 broken V>y incidents and scenes tliat are fair- 
 ly dramatic in their character. As we write, 
 there comes back tu us the reminiscences of 
 
 quiet, sleepy summer afternoon, only a 
 few short years ago. The very Hies in the 
 ■anctum buzzed lazily about the room, op- 
 pressed by the heat and the quiet loneliness 
 ef the plaloe, when the door opened with a 
 quick, sudden snap, and we turned and saw a 
 woman stepping into the room. She was 
 
 not old, and her face, haggard with care and 
 seamed with trouble, still bore traces of 
 great beauty. She came into the office with 
 a quick, nervous tread, and there was a 
 hunted look in her eyes that betrayed the 
 fugitive. She closed the door behind her, 
 and turned the key in almost the same mo- 
 tion, with the quick instinctive manner of a 
 person who had fallen into the habit vf iso- 
 lating herself from observation and puisuit 
 at every opportunity. She refused to sit 
 down, but saiil : 
 
 "I can tell you all you want to know about 
 rae in very few words — I am a fugitive." 
 
 We told her we had giiessed as much, and 
 we besoui^ht her to oontide nothing to us. 
 We could not help her, we said ; our duty 
 as a journalist would not permit us to uxteud 
 any help to a person flying from the law. 
 She said : 
 
 "I do not want j^ou to aid me in farther 
 flight ; I am tired to death. My own cou- 
 Rcience,more pitiless th.\u the minions of the 
 law, has pursued me for years with a 
 whip of scorpions. I c-,ai not escaj)e. its ter- 
 rible lashings. I can not 11 j' from my i)iiniNh» 
 nient if I would, and I am anxious it sliould 
 be over. Death would be a welcome relief, 
 if it would but come. " 
 
 And we told the panting, weary creature 
 to tell none of her story to us, and jidvi.sed 
 her to go the police headquarters and ^ive 
 herself into the hands of the law, which 
 would deal justly, and, we had no doubt, in 
 view of her sufl'crin^'s and remorse, merci- 
 fully with her. 
 
 " I can not 1" she exclaimed, covering her 
 face with her hands, and ])reai<ing into enn- 
 vulsive sobs ; " 1 can not, I can not. Y(m 
 do not know there are otiier hearts \vould 
 ache if I gave myself up and told all. I 
 want to tell my story to some one wiio will 
 pity me and a<lvise mo. Tliere are those 
 whose hands are as dark with inefl'accable 
 stains as mine are, but who do not suffer the 
 mental agony that oppresses me. Shall 1, in 
 order to esci])e the lashings of my own con- 
 science, consign tiiese, whoso lives are happy 
 and whose hearts know no remorse, to the 
 same punishment for which 1 yearn ?" 
 
 We asked her (for our curiosity conquered 
 our caution) if it was possible that one so 
 young and fair was the centre of a wide- 
 spreading circle of crime that held in its 
 horrid entanglements so many others beside 
 herself ? 
 
 "Aye," she said, bitterly, " If I went to 
 the gallows through a court of justice, I 
 would lead with me, held by the same ter- 
 rible links of evidence, a gruilty train of 
 men hardened in crime, and their hands 
 steeped in innocent blond ?" 
 
 " Wouuri, woman !" we exclaimed, in 
 
tfn i m m rt> «i n » s ifcw> * iit* " 
 
 46 
 
 FIVE WOMEN. 
 
 horrified tones, "iu the name of heaven, 
 who and what are you t" 
 
 "Oil, heaven help me !" she Hhrieked, in a 
 voice that chilled our marrow — "I am old 
 man Bender I" 
 
 A weirii, Avild whoop rent the silence of 
 the sanctum— ^ and the woman was alone. 
 There was a sound as of a risiiij.; journalist 
 ■crambling uo through the narrow eoj;y tube, 
 and the next instant u bare h»;ad, with a 
 quill over one car, burst throui^h the hatch- 
 way in the roof, and, followed by a complete 
 set of cdlronrl anntoniv, emorucd. aTid run- 
 
 i>ii>'r hr 
 
 -i.' It' +. . Ttl(i V .'ll 
 
 f.V*^ 1 
 
 day (puff, puff), and I can't sleep at night, 
 and I'm afraid I'll have to give up entirely 
 (puff, puff). I could hardly get out to-daj 
 (puff, puff, putt"). I went to GreenV)aum and 
 Schroder's and around to Guest s and down 
 to Carpenter's (puff, i)uff), and ijito Parsons' 
 and up to Mrs. Vooihees' (puff, putl), and 
 down to Wyman's and up to Wesley Jones' 
 and into Gua Dodge's and (puff, puff, puff) 
 down to the express office, and then by 
 the time I had made a couple of calls out on 
 North Hill and went to the doctor's, I was 
 aa tired as tlioue') I had walktd a mile (|;uff. 
 
 •iM' 
 
 !;liil I 
 
 dis.ii)pe«iod dou"u t'a iightii: ' , ii/ii, and was I 
 sect) 110 more until the next day at tiirce | 
 p.m. 
 
 We never saw the wonnm again, and wist j 
 not where she is, but we smile in bitter 
 derision whenever we read that the police 
 nave arrested an old man aiisweriug the 
 description of old man Bender. 
 
 It was a sad scone when the authorities 
 took a poor man froni Happy Hollow, and 
 sent him out to tlie ])oor house. Tl;.; ..art 
 incT !)"■ ween tliH {♦'iiiv mvn av.i his t^ievp' i 
 dog-i, which he distfibuteil aiiioug hi.s sym- ! 
 pa'..hizing relatives. wa« affecting in ;.1k' ex- | 
 trtMOf. Nit; l»':!ie\c rn<j nuui iiaa ;i tew' 
 children, too, but not enough to make a fuss 
 about. 
 
 A bashful young man, while out driving 
 with the dearest girl in tlie world, had to 
 get out and l)uckle the crupper, and hesitat- 
 ingly exclaimed that "the animal's bustle 
 had come loose." 
 
 Five Women. 
 
 One afternoon five women went out on 
 South Hill in a street car. One of them was 
 a fat woman in a black dress, with a cameo 
 pin as large as a stucco ornament. She 
 breathed at high pressure, about 103 to the 
 minute. A woman with a thin, long neck, 
 and sad eyes, and a Paisley shawl, sitting on 
 the other side of the car, said, in a feeble 
 voice : 
 
 " Good afternoon, Mrs. Waughop." 
 
 " Oh, (puff) Mrs. Dresseldorf, (ijuff, puff,) 
 how do (puff) you do ?" (Puff, puff. ) 
 
 " Oh, I ain't feeling well at all. I've had 
 so much trouble with my lungs, and nothing 
 seems to do them any good. I've tried onion 
 gargle, and three kinds of expectorant, and 
 wine of tai, and two of Dr. Bolus' pre- 
 scriptions, and one of Dr. Bleadem's, and a 
 new kind of ointment, but nothing seems to 
 have any effect on them. How do you feel 
 to-day?" 
 
 "Oh," groaned Mrs. Waughop, 'Tm not 
 getting on at all. My asthma is worse every 
 
 become of mt, I'moUie. How are ya . this 
 afternoon, Mr^. l)inklcni:'.!i ?" "he conti.'iucd, 
 turning to the next woman, a lonesome .look- 
 ing female with a wart on her chin, who 
 smiled dismally on being addressed, and 
 paused in the midst of a search for a .street 
 car nickel in the bottom of a black reticule 
 as big as a hair trunk. 
 
 "I'm about half down with the chills," 
 she said, Mith a prolonged sigh; "I have 
 such a fever every night, I don't get two 
 iioura' sleep out of tlio i.weiitv-ff>ur, and I'm 
 uAmM T'n b. A-xrh :i:A ^ ■.'"• •- 1 yt ^'irour;!; 
 with it. My eycs-iglit is fniling. t<io, aini 1 
 have a constant lifH'hir-lus tlml worries me 
 nearly to death. 1 ;iii. jhvd, Mrs. Muliig.tn," 
 said Mrs. I)inkleman, turning to the fourth 
 "woman, "to see you able to be out.'' 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan bowed feebly to the rest of 
 the ladies. "Indeed 1 ou'jhtn't to be out," 
 she groaned, " 1 <iugli!: to on in bcii tliis 
 minute. I haven't had this flannel off my 
 throat for three weeks, and I'm afraid I'll 
 lose my voice entirely. I've had a misery 
 across 'my back since I don't know when, 
 and I had to have thicc tctth pulled this 
 blessed afternoon. I was that bad with the 
 rheumatiz all last week I didn't dare stir out 
 of the house, and I've got a felon coming on 
 my finger just as sure as I'm a living woman. 
 What appears to be the matter with your 
 face, Mrs. (iallagher?" she asked the last 
 woman in the car. 
 
 "Neuralagy of the eyes," the last woman, 
 who wore black glasses and green goggl«s, 
 remarked, in such lugubrious tones that they 
 cast a gloom over the entire community, and 
 the masculine occupants of the car wondered 
 if there was a well woman in America. 
 
 The Ctoblin Gate. 
 We once knew a most worthy man, whose 
 irreproachable life was at one time threatened 
 with mental and physical wreck, all on ac- 
 count of his front gate. He lived out on 
 North Hill, with his charming wife and seven 
 lovely daughters. He was a pale-faced, 
 anxions-looking man, who moved about and 
 looked and spoke ai though he rapped with 
 
It. 
 
 ep at night, 
 ! up entirely 
 t out to-d;ij 
 lenliaum and 
 s ami down 
 Jito Parsons' 
 pnti), aud 
 CHley Jones' 
 , pufl', puff) 
 and then by 
 ills out on 
 ctor'a, I was 
 it mile '|)uff. 
 ■ _•■ t... 
 
 e continued, 
 lesonie .look- 
 r chin, who 
 ressed, and 
 for a street 
 lack reticule 
 
 tJie chills," 
 ;h ; "I have 
 )n't get two 
 )iir nijfi I'm 
 
 -'■'. thn.'.ijjl 
 ;. too, and I 
 
 worries me 
 ^. Mulli;:,ui," 
 ;o the fourth 
 
 lUt." 
 
 ;o tlie rest of 
 t to he out," 
 ill iifii tliis 
 innel oil my 
 'ni afraid I'll 
 lad a misery 
 know when, 
 1 ]>ulle<i this 
 l)ad with the 
 dare stir out 
 m liiimiiig on 
 ving woman, 
 r with your 
 ked the last 
 
 last woman, 
 een goggks, 
 ies that they 
 imunity, and 
 lar wondered 
 nerica. 
 
 man, whose 
 e threatened 
 k, all on »c- 
 ived out on 
 ife and seTen 
 pale-faced, 
 id about and 
 ■upped with 
 
 THE GOBLIN GATE. 
 
 47 
 
 Borrow seven times a week. He has, with j mental and substantial — and the seven 
 all those seven lovely daughters, oidy one j sisters were pleased. They read t))e little 
 front gate, and that's what madn him pale, | brass plate, that informed thtm that a 
 In one summer he spent .$217 repairing that patent was applied for, and they saw the 
 front gate — putting in new ones, and ex- words, "For 130 pounds;" but they didn't 
 perimenting with various kinds of hinges ; know what it meant until tht" gate hail 
 and after all that, the gate swung all through swung on the uneven tenor of its way about 
 the winter on a leafchar strap and a pieoe of a week. 
 
 clothes-line — aud there was peace in the 
 household, and the mangrewfat. Butwhenthe 
 April days were nigh, it soon became apparent 
 to the man that his troubles were at hand, 
 and anxiety soou drove the roses from his 
 
 '•'IJ'J 
 
 *-l., 
 
 fence, to avon! calling .i.ttcjitioii to the dis- 
 reputable looking old gale ; but hia self- 
 dcuial was of no avail. One evening his 
 eldest daughter. Sophronia, said : 
 
 " Pa, that horriil ohl gate is the most dis- 
 gusting thing on Fifth- street. If you can't 
 afford to have it fixed, I'd take it away and 
 put up a stile." 
 
 And pa only groaned, 
 so later, his youngest 
 came in and .saM, 
 warmth • 
 
 But an evening or 
 
 daughter, Elfrida, 
 
 witii ccuisiderable 
 
 One evening, the weather, thougli suf- 
 ficiently cool to be bracing, admitted a test 
 of the new a;ate. A murmur of vcrices arose 
 from* the vicinity of that popular lovers' 
 retreat, as Sophronia swung idly to and fro 
 
 aiiJvioi. -iUOi.i. ,.' ii.i.i., «iio M :it% ue<.vii:.i: hiS' 
 hand upon his brcr-f't to yit:U' hifi Inritin-^ 
 heart, as he crouched in a dark corner of the 
 porch, heard Rodolphus say : 
 
 *' But believe me, Sophronia, iny own 
 heart'H idol, between the touches of the rude 
 
 hand of time and the unkind " Ashe 
 
 began the word, he leaned fc'.vard and 
 bent his weight upon the gate, and witii a 
 sharp click a little trap-door in the side of 
 the post tlew open, and a gaunt, many- 
 jointed arm of steel, with an ircii knob as 
 
 ■ ■ J a ; 1 »\ 1.-31I yoii ii.i 
 .'ate tied to your neck; that's 
 
 fiiat iieasciv Old itiew out, ann, v.irti tne lapioity or ".'jhtning, 
 wiiat I wish I" i hit Piodoh'hus two resounding T)elts l;'-t>^een 
 11.^' .v,.Lp, .ated- llic ;-l:<aMv!s '■Lat ^(■■iiiC.-jd' liL^ „ Lass 
 up stairs in a misty cloud, while her sisters i drum explosion, 
 
 followed slowly, casting reproachful glances i " Oh-h-h ! gosh !" he roared, "I'm st.;bbed! 
 at pa. And the next evening, his third i I'm stabbed !" and, without waitii.g to pick 
 daughter, A/alea, came boixncing into the Up his hat, fled, shrieking for the doctor; 
 room, about '>:;W P. M.,witii her gloves in a i while Sophronia rushed into the house, cry- 
 condition to indicavc tiiat slie had been j ing, " Pa ! pa ! pa ! Rodolphus is .shot I" aud 
 patting gravel, and said, with some energy, j swooned. The pale-faced man said norliing, 
 that if pa had no feeling, other people iiad; ! but shrank farther back into the sii;Ktow,and 
 
 and she wished she was dead, she did; and 
 she hoped that the next time pa went ont of 
 that hateful old g.ite. he'd fall clear from 
 Fifth-street to the bridge, so she did. And 
 she broke dcwn, and disappeared with a 
 staccato accompaniment of 8ol)s and sniffles. 
 And the next time pa went out of that gate, 
 he found it prostrate between the two posts, 
 and saw that tiie fragile strands of the 
 clothfcS-liiic had parted, under some extra- 
 ordinai'v jiressiuo; aud that was what ailed 
 Azalea's >.;loves. Pa saw there was nothing 
 for it but a n^v.- i;.".t\ and he groaned aloud 
 as he viewed the dreary piospect of furnish- 
 ing gates to support the minly forms of the 
 best young men of Burlington for another 
 summer. It soon became evident that he 
 was getting up a gate he could match 
 against time. He pondered, and pondered, 
 and pondered. He became the confidant of 
 carpenters; he was often seen guiltily show- 
 ing certain plans and drawings to black- 
 smiths and cunning workers in iron and 
 ^teel. And in due time he had a new gate 
 up; a masaive gate, with fl;reat poats, oma- 
 
 thrust his handkerchief into iiiy mouth to 
 stifle a smile. Pretty soon he heai il the 
 voice of his daughter Azalea at the gate say- 
 ing, "Good-night." But a rich, m.anly voice 
 detained her; and the measured swing of the 
 gate was again heard in the distance. Soon 
 he heard Lorenzo say, as he made ready to 
 climb upon the gate : 
 
 " But whatever of sorrow may await our 
 future, dear one, I would it might fall upon 
 me -" 
 
 And, just as he lifted his foot from the 
 ground, the trap opened, and the gaunt aim 
 reached out and fell upon him, with that big 
 knob, four times ; and every time it reached 
 him, Lorenzo shrieked: 
 
 " Bleeding heart! Oh, mercy, mercy, Mr. 
 Man! Oh, murder!" 
 
 And, as he ambled away in the starlight, 
 wailing for arnica, Azalea fled wildly to her 
 home, shrieking, ' ' Oh, pa, pa, pa ! somebody 
 is murdering Lorenzo!" And on the porch a 
 pale-faced man thrust the rim of his felt hat 
 into hia mouth, to reinforce his handkerchief, 
 and hogged himself in placid content. Pretty 
 
48 
 
 THE AUTOMATIC CLOTHBS-UNE REEL. 
 
 toon the man's fifth daughter came home 
 from a party, and she, too, perched on the 
 gate ; and, in a moment or two, Alphonso 
 •aid : 
 
 " Bi , my own Miriam, would I could tell 
 you wliat I feel for you " 
 
 But ho (lidnt ; for, just as he leaned upon 
 the gate, the gaunt arm reached out and felt 
 for liiin with ai)out seventy-tive pounds of 
 iron, iin>l knocked his breath bo far out of 
 him tl he couldn't shriek until he 
 had run half a mile awuy from the house. 
 And Miriam ran into the house screaming 
 that Al|)hons^ liad a tit. 
 
 And the pale faced man rose up out of the 
 shadow ami emptied liis mouth ; and as he 
 stood uiid'T the quiet starlight, looking at 
 the gate whoso jiowerful hut delicate me- 
 chanism renelleil every ounce of weight over 
 130 pounds, a look of iuetfable peace stole 
 over tlio jvxle face, and the smile that rested 
 on the ([uiet features told that the struggle 
 of a lite time was ended in victory — and a 
 gate had been discovered that could set at 
 naught till' oppressions of thoughtless young 
 people. 
 
 The Automatic Clothes-Llne Reel. 
 No one wiio lived in linrlin'^toii that year 
 can ever forijet the first practical test, th^t 
 was ni:ido of the famous "Domestic Auto- 
 matic' clotiics-line reel. It was a curious 
 and iiowerful nit of uieclianism. ami was the 
 invention of a man who lived ou Barnes- 
 gtreet. This man used to ho grievously af- 
 flicted ln'itnuse tlieScamlinavianlady who su- 
 perintond(;d tiic weekly wash-day ceremon- 
 ies at lin house always took great pains to 
 leave a uvt-"oik of clothes-lino spread all 
 around ids hack yard. A'ld when he made 
 oomplaint to hur abont it she addressed him 
 inthf niiis'cMl accents of Christine Nilsson's 
 native language, and overwhelmed him with 
 a torit nt of oloijuence that he could not un- 
 derstand. And when he remonstrated with 
 his wife ami d.uiuhter thoy laughed him to 
 gconi, nnd his daughter, who was educated 
 at Vas^ar, an 1 c in hustle iiei' terriiied i)arent 
 out of the h.mse with one hand, told him if 
 he interfered any more in that department 
 ai'ouud that house he"d get drowned in the 
 wash tub. So tliia man suffered. One 
 bitter cold winter morning he ran out 
 to the woodshed after some kindling, 
 and the first line caught him under 
 the chin and pulled his neck out till it was a 
 foot long, and he ran into the house and 
 frightened his wife into tits by his terrible 
 appearance, and she threatened to apply for 
 a divorce if he ever made faces at her that 
 way again. It was nearly three hours before 
 his neck shrunk back to its natural size. 
 And a few nights after that, he was all 
 
 dr ssed to go to a party with his family, mad 
 he went bounding down the back yard to see 
 that the alley gate was fastened, and a slack 
 line caught him amidships, let him run out 
 the slack, and then when it hauled taut, just 
 picked him up, tossed the breath out of him, 
 turned him clear over, and chucked him down 
 on his back, splitting his coat from the tail- 
 buttons to the neck. And he couldn't move, 
 and he couldn't speak, and he couldn't even 
 breathe, only about thirty cents on tbs 
 dollar, so he couldn't answer his wife and 
 daughter when they screamed to him that 
 they were ready, and they concluded that h* 
 had run away to avoid going with them, so 
 they went off without him, and never came 
 back till eleven o'clock, and the man. lay out 
 in the back yard all that time, trying to die. 
 And one time after that, he was jogging 
 across the back yard with his arms full of 
 about three hundred pounds of hard wood, 
 and he was laughing like a hyena at some- 
 thing he had read in The Ilawkei/c, when a 
 clothes prou slipped just as he passed under 
 the line and dn>pped on his head, raising a 
 luni]) as big as an egg, and as he fell forward 
 another line cauf.'ht right in his mouth, and 
 sawod it clear back to his ears, so that when 
 he smiled the top of his head only hung on a 
 hinge. 
 
 Well, these things naturally weighed on 
 his mind and depressed him, but they set 
 him to tiiinking, and he went to work and 
 invented a patent clothes-line reel, which 
 was inclosed in a heavy cast-iron box, and 
 was worked bj' a powerful automatic arrange- 
 ment. You only had to wind up the box 
 and set it for a certain hour, just like an 
 alarm clock, and at that hour the reel would 
 go oil, .and pull on the line like a team of 
 mules, the spring hook at the other end of 
 tiic lino would let go its hold, and that line 
 VN ould be rolled up at the rate of a thousand 
 miles a minute. He said nothing about bis 
 invention, but put up the box and told some 
 lie about it to his family, which is away men 
 have, and he set it for 7 o'clock, v. M., and 
 w ound it up strong. Then he watched Miss 
 Nilsson's compatriot run out the line and ad- 
 just the hook, and he went away. 
 
 About 7 o'clock that evening, while he was 
 toasting his feet at the tire and reading the 
 almanac, the family were disturbed by un- 
 mistakeable indications of a tight going on in 
 the back yard between a hurricane and an 
 earthquake, in which the earthquake 
 appeared to be getting a little the best of it. 
 The affrighted family lushed to the back 
 door and looked out upon a scene of devasta- 
 tion and anarchy. The air was full of fraff* 
 ments of linen, and cotton, and red flannd^ 
 while shirt buttons, clothes pins, and littie 
 brass buckles, were flying like hail. The reel 
 
 D the iroi 
 evolution 
 ground lik 
 ine was U 
 )f runawa: 
 rying to l 
 wsts they 
 Qore than 
 irhile whe 
 a the iron 
 irhite shii 
 rarn soc 
 ibiags, a 
 md she( 
 ihps, jusf 
 rildly, an 
 il the yar 
 ooked wo 
 was dre 
 ihneked i 
 "Somel 
 id the ma: 
 Good 
 rou taken 
 "No!" 
 The mai 
 eft. He 
 iaught th( 
 lands, an( 
 ied eyes o 
 erked thr 
 uivering 
 lis glisten 
 >orch. 
 
 They g 
 >orch, ami 
 lis coverir 
 ud quick! 
 ramewori 
 heir skill 
 ogether : 
 loneless, i 
 adly at h 
 chair on 
 rinning i 
 attling h 
 ony legs, 
 ag head 
 Lnd thus 
 ut a dual 
 loth of h 
 or the sl< 
 esh, and 
 eut cigar 
 rink unle 
 ight at 1: 
 f wicked 
 raming t 
 ip after i 
 
family, mad 
 yard to see 
 and a slack 
 im run out 
 id taut, just 
 out of him, 
 d him down 
 m the tail- 
 ildn't move, 
 nldn't e¥en 
 its on th« 
 3 wife and 
 him that 
 uled tliat h« 
 ti tliem, so 
 never uame 
 nan. lay out 
 ying to die. 
 ras jogging 
 i-ms full of 
 lard wood, 
 a at some- 
 </c, whea a 
 isseil under 
 , raising a 
 fell forward 
 mouth, and 
 
 tliat when 
 ' hung on a 
 
 iveighed on 
 
 it they set 
 
 work and 
 
 ee), which 
 
 II box, and 
 
 tic arrange- 
 
 p the box 
 
 ist like an 
 
 reel would 
 
 a team of 
 
 her end of 
 
 that line 
 
 thousand 
 
 about his 
 
 1 told some 
 9 a way men 
 p. M., and 
 itched Mis8 
 ine and ad- 
 
 'hile he was 
 'eading the 
 jed by un- 
 going on in 
 me and an 
 earthquake 
 best of it. 
 I the back 
 of devaata- 
 ull of frsff- 
 ■ed flanndj 
 and little 
 The reel 
 
 INSPIILiTIONS OF TRUTH. 
 
 a the iron box waa making aboat 60,000 
 evolutiouB a minute, and was whirling 
 kfoand like a thrashing machine, and the 
 ine was tearing around the posts like a streak 
 )f runaway lightning, and the clothes were 
 irying to keep along with it, and around the 
 )0st8 they were ripping, tearing and snapping 
 Qore than any cyclone that ever got loose, 
 irhile where the line shot into the hawse-hole 
 n the iron box, the striped stockings and 
 wliite shirts and things, and flannels, and 
 ram socks, and undershirts and more 
 faings, and aprons, and handkerchiefs, 
 md sheets and things, and pillow 
 ilips, just foamed and bulged, and tossed 
 rildly, and ripped, and tore, and scraped, un- 
 il the yard and air were so full of lint that it 
 coked worse than an arctic snow storm. Oh, 
 t was dreadful. It was terrible. Everybody 
 ihneked iu dismay. 
 
 "Somebody's at the clothes line !" scream- 
 id the man's daughter. 
 
 " Good heavens !" yelled the man, "hadn't 
 rou taken the clothes in ?" 
 "No !" chorused the women. 
 The man thought he would save what was 
 eft. He sprang at the clothes line. He 
 aught the flying hook at the end with both 
 lands, and the next instant, before the terri- 
 ied eyes of his wife and daughter, he was 
 erked through the hole in the iron box, a 
 uiveriug mass of boneless flesh, while 
 lis glistening skeleton fell rattling upon the 
 Hitch. 
 
 They gathered his frame work ofif the 
 
 Kirch, and unlocked the box and drew out 
 
 lis covering. He was not dead, so deftly 
 
 lud quickly had he been removed from his 
 
 ramework. They sent for the doctors, but ! 
 
 heir skill could not avail to get the man j 
 
 ogether again, and now lie sits, limp and ] 
 
 loneless, in a high-bacl%ed easy chair, smiling 
 
 adly at his grinning skeleton, which sits in 
 
 chair on the opposite side of the fire-place, 
 
 rinning sociably at its counterpart, and 
 
 iittling horribly every time it crosses its 
 
 •ony legs, or scratches the top of its glisten- 
 
 ag head with its gaunt, fleshless fingers. 
 
 Lnd thus that poor man will have to drag 
 
 ut a dual existence until death comes to 
 
 foth of him. It is a painful, expensive life, 
 
 )r the skeleton eats just as much as the 
 
 esh, and the flesh has taken to smoking ten 
 
 eut cigars, and the skeleton can't sleep a 
 
 irink unless it has a big hot whisky every 
 
 light at bed time. And all this is the result 
 
 f wicked, Mricked carelessness. « A terrible 
 
 raming to women who leave the clothes-line 
 
 p after dark. 
 
 Iniplntlona of Truth. 
 
 Every year, so oft as the 22Dd of February 
 comes, the day sacred to the memory of the 
 father of his country is faithfully celebrated 
 by two good boys of Burlington, who, if their 
 lives are only spared, wiU yet be second 
 editions of the immortal G. W. Last year, 
 it was noticed by every one about the house, 
 they were unusually good. They stayed 
 home all the morning, and talked about 
 Washington, and how he broke the mule and 
 girdled the sassafras tree, and how good he 
 was, and what a pity it was he had no middle 
 name. Along in the afternoon their mother 
 sent them to the church, where there was to 
 be a festival, with a basket filled high with 
 sweet home-made bread, and cold boiled 
 ham, and roast chicken, and one thing and 
 another. They took hold of the basket and 
 plodded soberly and goodily toward the 
 church. As they started down Division- 
 street they saw a boy coming toward tliem 
 whom they knew. He was the son of a 
 neighbour, the blacksmith's boy, with whom 
 they had a feud of long standing ; for on 
 divers occasions he had caught these good 
 brothers out, separately, and had rudely 
 assaulted them, and fairly pounded the hair 
 ofif their heads. He was a little too healthy 
 for either of the boys alone, but the pair had 
 sworn to make it lively for him if tiioy ever 
 I lighted upon him together. So soon as they 
 saw him they put down the basket 
 and gave chase. He girded up his 
 I loins and fled, but the boys got themselves 
 ; up and pursued after him and pressed him 
 I hard, and after a rattling chase of about two 
 j blocks, they encompassed him round aljout in 
 I a vacant hit.and fell upon him, and smote liim 
 insomuch that he begged for mercy and 
 I screamed for succour until he was black in the ' 
 face. Then the victors, joyous returning ' 
 from the fray, with light steps sought their 
 long abandoned train. Imagine their dismay 
 I when, through the gathering twilight gloom, 
 , they saw somewhat less than one liundred 
 j and hfty thousand dogs, half buried in the [ 
 \ basket, dividing and devouring the sutler 
 i stores contained therein. There was precious ' 
 little left when the dogs were driven away, ' 
 and the boys went home exceeding sorrowful, ^ 
 but hopeful. Their mother met them at the ' 
 door, and took the empty basket from their 
 hands. ^ 
 
 " Who did you give the basket to? "she 
 asked. ,^ 
 
 "Mrs. Featherstone, dear ma," replied the ^ 
 elder George Washington. ■% 
 
 "And what did she say?" asked their > 
 mother, for Mrs. Featherstone is an authority ' 
 in ohnrch festivals. 
 
 " Oh," chorused both George Washing* 
 
fO 
 
 SPIRIT PUOTOGRAPHT. 
 
 toDi, " she said it wm the nicest basket that 
 had come in all the afternoon." 
 
 " And," added the younger George, feeling 
 that he wasn't doing himself ji\8tice if he 
 didn't get in an independent statement, 
 " Mrs, Lamphreys said she would give any- 
 thing in the world if she could make such 
 white bread as yours — she said it was wonder- 
 ful how you done it. " 
 
 '* Now, did she say that ? " cried the de- 
 lighted woman ; for at the last sociable Mrs. 
 Lampreys said her bread was like bass-wood 
 •Iitbs. 
 
 "And Mrs. Middlerib," cried the elder 
 G. W., fearful lest his younger brother 
 ahould find favour and be exalted over him, 
 "said that there wasn't such chickens any- 
 where in the State of Iowa outside of that 
 basket. " 
 
 -1. 1 then the younger held the age again, 
 and tlie older chipped one, and the younger 
 saw him and raised him, and then the older 
 came in, and the younger stayed right by 
 him, and they told all manner of things and 
 compliments about and from all manner of 
 peujjle who were at the church, until the 
 good woman, astonished and delighted at her 
 sudden popularity, determined to co to the 
 sociable, although she had not intended to 
 do so. Slie went, and she looked in vain for 
 her cake and ham and ehicken. She return- 
 ed home at an early hour, and roused her 
 young George Washingtons from the sweet, 
 innocent sleep of childhood. Then she took 
 s skate strap, and after a brief but pointed 
 cross-questioning on the evidence alreadj 
 
 brought forward, proceeded . The rest 
 
 is too awful. 
 
 Spirit Photography. 
 It must have been nearly three years ago, 
 as nearly as we can remember, just about 
 the time Monfortand Hill got to photograph- 
 ing ghosts, that a tall, pale man, with pierc- 
 ing black eyes and long hair, came to Bur- 
 lington and opened a photograph gallery. 
 He was a spirit photographer, and when his 
 •itters received their pictures, for which they 
 were expected to pay very roundly, lo, the 
 ■pirit faces of dear ones wlio had gone before 
 •lustered around the face of the party whose 
 photograph had been taken from life. There 
 were plenty of people in the learned city of 
 Burlington who were as fond of believing in 
 ■upernatural things as are the outside 
 barbarians. So credulous men and 
 women thronged to the spirit artist's 
 ■tn<lio, the spirits came up to be photograph- 
 ed around their mortal friends by squads 
 and platoons, and worldly dross, in the shape 
 of a fluctuating and irredeemable currency, 
 
 Soured into the artist's coffers, and he was 
 appy. Among others who went to his 
 
 • 1 Mill :•(><■ 
 
 studio, was a yed yonng man who is a 
 
 genius. He. . used to get home till two 
 o'clock in the morning, because he was down 
 in his office, he told the folks, buinipg ths 
 midnight oil, and committing the yearnings 
 of a restless and ambitious genius to paper. 
 He was supposed to be writing a book of 
 poems, and, consequently the fair ones who 
 were privileged to enter the circle of his 
 acquaintance, doted on him. When he went 
 to have his photograph taken, the dearest 
 girl in the world, the one who tells him what 
 nice hands he has, and who rubs his head 
 when his long hours of lonely study makes it 
 ache all the aext day, accompanied him. 
 He told her on the way down that he ex- 
 pected when his counterfeit presented itself 
 on the albumenized card, the spirit • faces of 
 Byron, and Hood, and Macaulay, and Shak- 
 speare, and Tom Shelley would rise and 
 cluster around him. She gasped hyster- 
 ically, and, looking proudly at him, said 
 she believed thej would too, and wouldn't it 
 be nice ! But he only sighed glo«»mily, a« 
 genius always sighs, and they entered the 
 studio. 
 
 While the young man was posing himself 
 the professor told him that those who 
 were nearest and dearest to him in his lonely 
 hours would gather around him and kiss the 
 clustering curls on his marble brow, and that 
 no earthly power could keep them out of the 
 camera. The young lady reiterated her 
 
 inion in regard to the "niceness" of such 
 arrangement, the young man put on a 
 of genius and gazed into the camera 
 with the air of a man who is wondering where 
 he can borrow three dollars ; the artist dived 
 under the cloth and iu due time he stepped to 
 the front with the picture and exhibited it to 
 the poet and the adoring girl. 
 
 Spirits ? 
 
 One or two of them. ' Right iu the center 
 was the young poet, gazing dreamily out into 
 vacancy. And the spirits who cheered him 
 in his lonely hours of study, and assisted 
 him in the conflagration of the midnight oil, 
 gathered around him, and never stirred or 
 faded, not even when the poet ejaculated, 
 " Oh, lying horrors ! " nor yet when the 
 young lady shrieked and fell fainting with 
 her hair caught in that forked thing tlie ar- 
 tist stands behind the subject to keep his 
 head steady. For on the right of the poet 
 there stood a spirit M'ith a long slim neck 
 whose name appeared to be '* Whisky Cock- 
 tail," and on the left there was a short, 
 squatty spirit who was announced as just 
 plain " Gin," and then, clustering all around 
 the young poet's head, like an aureola, were 
 "Straights," whatever they are, "Grass- 
 hopper Punch," "Log Cabin Cocktail.*' 
 "Old Tamarack,' "Eye Openers, "" Appe- 
 
WRITING rOB THI PBI8S. 
 
 nan who it a 
 home till twn 
 he waa down 
 , buinipg th« 
 the yearnings 
 iuB to paper 
 g a book of 
 air ones who 
 circle of his 
 Vhen he went 
 . the dearest 
 ells him whal 
 il)S his head 
 udy makes it 
 ipanieil him, 
 that he ex- 
 -sented itself 
 pirit- faces of 
 y, and Shak- 
 )uld 1 ise and 
 sped hyster- 
 at him, said 
 d wouldn't it 
 gloomily, a»i 
 entered the 
 
 )sing himself 
 
 those who 
 
 in his lonely 
 
 and kiss the 
 
 ow, and that 
 
 em out of the 
 
 iterated her 
 
 ess" of such 
 
 f«n put on a 
 
 the camera 
 
 dering wh«re 
 
 s artist dived 
 
 he stepped to 
 
 xhibited it to 
 
 in the center 
 mily out into 
 cheered him 
 and assisted 
 nidnight oil, 
 r stirred or 
 ejaculated, 
 it when the 
 inting witli 
 ling the ar- 
 te keep Ids 
 of the poet 
 ^ slim neck 
 hisky Cock- 
 as a short, 
 ced as just 
 g all around 
 ireola, were 
 e, " Grass- 
 Cocktail,"' . 
 •8," "Appe- 
 
 
 tizers," "Night Caps," "Can't Quit*," 
 "Corpse Revivers," "Coffin Nails," "In- 
 dian Cocktails," " Mountain Dew, " "Ben- 
 zine," "The New Drink." "Fly Poison," 
 "What Killed Dad," " The Same," " Fast 
 Freight," "Bran'an Wa'r," " Slierri'neg," 
 "Sudden Death," "Crusade Drops," "Com- 
 missary No. 3," "Old Crow," " Tangleleg," 
 "Fortv Hod," "Grim Death," " Jimson 
 Juice," " Chain Lightning," "Twelfth Reso- 
 lution," "That's on Me." "Temperance 
 Tract," "Quinine," and several other spirits 
 who were too far in the oackground to show 
 their cards very distinctly. 
 
 The young man didn't take another 
 sitting, ami he has since spent more time 
 trying to convince "her" that f'ns spirit 
 photography is the greatest humbug that ever 
 deluded a credulous people, than he ever 
 spent with the spirits who share his lonely 
 hours of midnight toil. 
 
 Writing for the Press. 
 Professor Matthews, in his delightful book, 
 "Hours with Men and Books," devotes a 
 jhapter, and a very instructive chapter too, 
 to advising and directing people who are 
 determiniMl to write for the press what to 
 write and liow to say it. But even in that 
 special cliapter Prof. Matthews has over- 
 looked quite a number of important points 
 which we, in our experience with occasional 
 newspaper contributors, have come to look 
 upon as absolutely essential to good corres- 
 pondence. We have had, even in the usually 
 infallible Ilaickcjie, some complaint, oi ce in 
 a while, from occasional correspondents about 
 mistakes which have appeared in their 
 articles when they come out in print. We 
 are aware that in many cases the fault was 
 our own, but we are confident all such trouble] 
 could be remedied if correspondents would f 
 pay a little more attention to the prepara- 
 tion of their manuscript. Printers are not 
 always infallible, and proof readers do some- 
 times make mistakes, but we have prepared 
 a few practical hints and instructions, and if 
 people who write occasionally for the papers 
 will only observe the f(dlowing simple and 
 practical rules, which are much easier 
 to observe that Prof. Matthews', they may 
 be assured that their articles will always 
 command the highest market price, which is 
 seldom less thiii^ two cents a pound : 
 
 Never write with pen or ink. It is alto- 
 gether too plain, and doesn't hold the mind 
 of the editor and printers closely enough to 
 their work. 
 
 If you are compelled to use ink never use 
 that vulgarity' known as the blotting pad. 
 If yon drop a blot of ink on the paper, lick 
 it off. The intelligent compositor loves 
 nothing so dearly as to read through the 
 
 •mwir this will mftk* acrou twenty or thirty 
 words. We have seen him hang orer such 
 a piece of copjr half an hour, swearing like a 
 pirate all the time, he felt that good. 
 
 Don't punctuate. Editors and publishers 
 prefer to punctuate all manuscript sent to 
 them. And don't use cppitals. Then the 
 editor can punctuate and capitalize to suit 
 himself, and your article, when you see it in 
 print, will astonish even if it does not please 
 you. 
 
 Don't try to write too plainly. It is a 
 sijj;n of plebeian origin and public-school 
 breeding. Poor writing ia an indication of 
 genius. It's about the only indication of 
 genius that a great many men possess. 
 Scrawl your article with your ejes shut, and 
 make every word as illegible as you can. We 
 get the same price for it from the rag-man as 
 though the paper were covered with copper- 
 plate sentences. 
 
 Avoid all painstaking with proper names. 
 All editors know the fuU name of every man' 
 woman, and child in the United States, and 
 the merest hint at the name is sufficient. 
 For instance, if you write a character some- 
 thing like a drunken figure "8," and then 
 draw a wavy line, and then write the letter 
 M and another wavy line, the editor will 
 know at once that you mean Samuel 
 Morrison, even though you may think you 
 mean "Lemuel Messenger." It is a great 
 mistake to think that proper names should 
 be written plainly. 
 
 Always write on both sides of the paper, 
 and when you have tilled both sides of every 
 page trail a line up and down every margin, 
 and back to the top of the first page, closing 
 your article by writing the signature just 
 above the date. How editors do love to get 
 hold of articles written in this style. And 
 how they would like to get hold of the man 
 who sends them. Just for ten minutes. 
 Alone, In the woods, with a gun. 
 
 Lay your paper on the ground when you 
 write; the rougher the ground the better. 
 A dry goods box or the side of th .ouse 
 will do if the ground is too damp. Any 
 thing rather than a table or desk. 
 
 Coarse brown wrapping paper is the best 
 for writing your articles on. If you can tear 
 down an old circus poster and write on the 
 pasty side of it with a pine st||k, it will do 
 still better. 
 
 When your article ia conipleted, crunch 
 the paper in your pocket, and carry it two 
 or three days before sending it in. This 
 rubs off the superfluous pencil marks and 
 makes it lighter to handle. 
 
 If you can think of it, lose one page out 
 of the middle of your article. The editor 
 can easily supply what is missing, and he 
 loves to do it. He has nothing else to do. 
 
ne 
 
 si 
 
 DAN0CB8 or BATHINQ. 
 
 If correipondents will observe these direc- 
 tions, editors, in most instan^'es, will hold 
 themselves personally responsible foreverv 
 error that appears in their articles, and will 
 pay full claims for damages when complaint 
 u made. We shall never forget the last 
 man who complained at the liawkeye office 
 under this rule. We can never, never, al- 
 though we should live a thousand years, for- 
 get the appalling look he turned upon us 
 while we were ftuUing his lungs out of his 
 ear with the nul-grab. Our heart seemed 
 to turn to ice, under the influence of that 
 dumb bese'eching look, while we tore him to 
 pieces. We have never torn 9 man to pieces 
 since without feeling the hot tears spring to 
 our eyes as we think of that man. Wt> have 
 been tempted, time and again, to break our- 
 selves of this habit of tearing men to pieces 
 for trivial causes. But we digress. We 
 were merely saying we are always happy to 
 receive complaints and correct any errors for 
 which we are responsible. 
 
 Dangers of Batblng. 
 
 As the warm weither raises the waters of 
 the creeks and riven to the temperature so 
 inviting to the boys of the republic, a few 
 instructive and general suggestions relative 
 to bathing in the streams may prove the 
 means of saving some juvenile lives. Boys 
 are proverbially rash and reckless in almout 
 everything they do, and are so apt to over- 
 do whatever they undertake, except sawing 
 wood or fastening the front gate, that too 
 much wholesome advice on the beneKta of 
 abstinence can never be amiss in their cases. 
 And especially ia such advice necessary iu 
 regaril to bathing, for when a boy makes 
 up his mind to "go swimming," he think of 
 nothing in the world ex^'ept getting into the 
 r.ater. And every year so many precious 
 lives are endangered, and so much pain and 
 misery caused by boyish carelessness and 
 thoughtle^sueso in this respect, that it is a 
 solemn and important duty of journalism to 
 warn the boys of the dangers that wait upon 
 bath'ng parties, and instruct thvm how to 
 avoid them. We therefore give a 
 few rules, culled from the pages of 
 personal experience, which, if properly 
 observed by the boys of America, may save 
 them no one can tell how much misery and 
 suffering. 
 
 1. Always ask your mother if you may go 
 down to the river with the boys to bunt car- 
 nclians. Mention the namei) of Sammie 
 Johnson, and Robbie Gregg, and Ellis 
 Haskell and Johnnie Chalmers, and Charlie 
 Austin, and Wallie Colborn, and Dockie 
 Worthington, all well-known "good boys," 
 who wash their faces every morning, keep 
 Mteir clothes cleao, wear white collars, ana 
 
 don't say bad words, as tha young gentlemen 
 who are to comprise the party. A judicious 
 and strict adherence to this rule has often 
 obtained the necessary parental permission to 
 visit the river shore, which would otlici wise 
 be sternly denied, especially if it should ap- 
 pear that Bill Slamup, and Tom Dobbins, 
 and J:m Sikes, and Butch Tinker, and 
 Mickey McCann, were the alternates who 
 were confidently expected to represent the 
 first named delegates in the convention. 
 
 2. Avoid going into the river in the vicin- 
 ity of a lumber yard. The temptation to 
 take pine boards from the lumber piles to 
 swim on is too strong for many boys to resist. 
 It is very pleasant, we know, to swim around 
 on a nice broad plank, but the lumbermen do 
 not always like it, and we have known a 
 rough board, abruptly drawn from beneath 
 the horizontal figure of a kicking, {laddling, 
 laughing boy, to fill him with remorse .-ind 
 slivers to an extent that would a-^pear 
 incredible were It not for the fact that the 
 boy who loses his plank in this way has 
 plenty of time to count his slivers as he pulls 
 them out. 
 
 We knew a boy, twenty years ago, who 
 swam off a pla k in this waj', and innnediate- 
 ly afterwant.s ^.it down on the sandy shore, 
 and amid the unfeeling laughter and mock- 
 ing sympathy of his colleagues, withdrew 
 from his cuticle, beginning at the chin and 
 ending at the tofs, fliree hundred and seven- 
 teen well-developed average slivcrn, and four 
 of a larger variety, denominated snnjis. And 
 sometimes we wake up in the niglit, from 
 happy dreams of childhood's guileless days, 
 and half believe we didn't get all those slivers 
 out then. 
 
 3. Avoid piittini» a bar of kitchen soap in 
 your pocket before you leave home. It fre- 
 quently giv( s the bather away entirely, being 
 quickly missed from the sink, and readily 
 detected about the person. And evtii if you 
 gt)t it safely to the river, and X\w lirst boy 
 who "soaps himself " does not luse it in 
 twenty feet of water, the " stroky"' a|ipear- 
 ance of your hair, on your return home, 
 instantly betrays the recent and extravagant 
 use of resin soap, and grave conseqiui ices are 
 apt to follow. Besides, you do not reully 
 need the soap, as is attested by your well- 
 known aversion to it at home. 
 
 4. If convenient, bathe very near u railway 
 bridge. Then, when a passenger train comes 
 thundering b\, you can rush out of the water 
 and dance andflirickon thebank. Travellers 
 like this ; and if your uncle Jasper, from 
 Waterloo, or your father returning from 
 Creston, should happen to be on tho train 
 and recognize you, they will tell you what 
 the pikssenuers said about it, and your father 
 will ue so pleased that he will assist you in a 
 
gentleman 
 
 judicious 
 
 has often 
 
 mission to 
 
 otiici wise 
 
 hould ap- 
 
 Dobbins, 
 
 ker, and 
 
 lates who 
 
 resent the 
 
 ition, 
 
 the vicin- 
 
 )tation to 
 
 er piles to 
 
 3 to resist. 
 
 ill! around 
 
 :)ennen do 
 
 known a 
 
 1 beneatli 
 
 [)a(WIirig, 
 
 noise .-tud 
 
 d a-jjpear 
 
 t that the 
 
 way has 
 
 8 he pulls 
 
 ago, who 
 luuediate- 
 1(1 y shore, 
 iiiil tnock- 
 witlidrew 
 
 cliin and 
 ah\ seven- 
 , and four 
 iij^s. And 
 gilt, from 
 less (lays, 
 [)Be slivers 
 
 3n soap in 
 . It fre- 
 ely, being 
 d readily 
 yen if you 
 L! tirst boy 
 nso it in 
 , ' appear- 
 in home, 
 tiavagant 
 Lie noes are 
 not really 
 dur well- 
 
 a railway 
 ain oiinies 
 the water 
 I'lavellert 
 per, from 
 ling from 
 the train 
 y<<u what 
 DUi' father 
 t you in a 
 
 THE POWER or DIGNITY. 
 
 » 
 
 little physical exercise, so essential to the 
 health after bathing. And then the next 
 time you go in swimming you can show the 
 boys your back — a spectacle in which they 
 will take fiendish delight, which they wiU 
 exhibit by imitating, in most expressive pan- 
 tomime, the contoiirons, gestures, and 
 outcries in which you were supposed to have 
 indulged while your father was putting that 
 back on you. 
 
 5. If yon desire to get up a crowd to 
 
 go swimming, sigrify your wishes by 
 olding up your right hand, with the first and 
 second fingers erect and spread apart like a 
 letter V. and as many good boys as are 
 ready, willing and anxious to run away and 
 go with you, will respond by the same sign, 
 and the party can easily be made up without 
 fear of detection, in the presence of the un- 
 suspecting preceptor, who is a graduate of a 
 private school, and never had any fun. 
 
 6. Should any boy be so lost to honour as 
 to desire to leave the water before the rest 
 of the crowd wisV t» do so, he may be easily 
 induced to return to the liquid element by 
 gently tossing a handful of dry sand or dust 
 upon his back, as nearly between the 
 shoulder as may be. If there is a really 
 good, unsophisticated boy in the crowd 
 whose habit of wearing a white collar and 
 carrying a clean handkerchief pronounces 
 him a haughty aristocrat, the bad boys, by 
 getting dressed first and judiciously applying 
 the sand to him as often as he " comes out 
 can keep him in the water until his father 
 comes to look for him. Then, the next after- 
 noon he goes down with you to the river, you 
 can look at his back, and have your 
 revenge. 
 
 7. If a boy lingers in the water too long, 
 it is sometimes ailvisable, in order that he 
 may learn to abstain from indulging himself 
 to such an intemperate extent in the future, 
 to tie each sleeve of his shirt in a most ter- 
 rific liaril knot, ritjlit at the elbow. When 
 this knot is dipped into the water, and a boy 
 gets at each end of the 8le«:ve, braces his feet 
 and pulls for life, it may be drawn so tightly 
 that it oan not be drawn out with a stump 
 machine. The boy wiio belont's to that shirt, 
 after many vain endeavours, is either com- 
 pelled to out off the sleeves, or, multis '•itm 
 Idchriiinis, yo home with it buttoned around 
 his neck and hanging down his back like a 
 drunken apron. This gives him away, bad, 
 and the appearance of that weeping boy, 
 plodding timorously and apprehensively 
 homeward through the gloaming, and the 
 variegatoil aspect of hia back the next night, 
 produce such a pleasant impression upon you, 
 that for twc weeks afterward, as your dear 
 mother looks in at your room door, and sees 
 
 you smiling in your sleep, ithe thinks the 
 angels are whispering to you. 
 
 8. The most approved method of drying 
 the hair is to shake it up rapidly with a pine 
 stick. Never comb your hair Smoothly 
 before going home, no matter who offers to 
 Ic«»n you a pocket-comb. A slick head of 
 hair excites suspicion in the family circle on 
 sight. 
 
 9. If, at the supper-table, the dreadful 
 discovery is made by your mother or sister 
 that your shirt is wrong side out, the best 
 way to do is to own right up. Excuses are 
 •useless ; and no mother or father of ordinary 
 intelligence was ever misled by the assertion, 
 however solemnly made, that the shirt was 
 turned by reason of the boy too suddenly 
 climbing a fence instead of going through the 
 gate. 
 
 10. To get water out of your ears, lean 
 your head over to one side, and kick out 
 violently with one leg, while you pound your 
 head smartly with the palm of your hand. 
 It is an exploded fallacy that holding a 
 warm stone to the ear will bring out the 
 water. 
 
 There are some other rules which might be 
 added to the above, but they are compara- 
 tively unimportant, and are so generally 
 known that you can learn them by ap- 
 plying for information to the first bad boy 
 you meet. 
 
 The Power of Dignity. 
 
 The human heart, in all its expansive, lim- 
 itless capacity for enjoymeht, takes greater 
 pleasure in nothing than in witnessing a 
 portly, solemn- visaged man, the embodiment 
 of natural dignity, importance in clothes, 
 administer a scathing rebuke to some 
 "smart" petty government official. One 
 morning just such a personification of innate 
 dignity loomed up at the stamp window of 
 the post-office, and glared in gloomy and ma- 
 jestic displeasure at the busy clerk who reg- 
 istered a letter before he sprang to the win- 
 dow and asked the stately customer what he 
 wished. The great man did not answer for 
 several moments. He gazed steadily and 
 impressively over the clerk's head, and then 
 asked, in ponderous tones : 
 
 " Is there any one hear-r-r-e who attends 
 to business ? " 
 
 The embarrassed clerk blushed, faltered 
 for ii moment, then, recovering himself, said, 
 with characteristic and national cheerful- 
 ness, becoming an official of the Republic : 
 
 "I will see, sir." 
 
 And he disappeared. He went into tho 
 other departments, tortured a carrier with 
 an original conundrum, and heard a good 
 story in the mailing room, and came back, 
 
 " Yes, sir," he said to the great one, 
 
54 
 
 A CANDID CONFESSION. 
 
 "there are, in addition to myself, three 
 clerks in the letter department, one in the 
 mailing room, four carriers, three route 
 agents, the mail driver and a janitor. " 
 
 "Ah-hrh! lam glad there are so many. 
 I may in all that number find one who is at 
 his post." 
 
 And then he looked as impressive as a 
 special agent, and was silent for three min- 
 ntes, while the humbled clerk awaited his 
 orders, and impatient men behind him fidg- 
 eted and grumbled. Finally, the great man 
 said with deep solemnity : 
 
 ''I wish one three-cent stamp." 
 
 The clerk tore oflF the stamp and held it, 
 waiting for the consideration. The great 
 man made a somewhat longer pause than us- 
 ual ; he felt in his various vest pockets ; he 
 cradually lost his look of impressive rebuke; 
 his chest caved in, and he assumed the as- 
 pect of an ordinary frail mortal, and he said : 
 
 "Ah — the fact is — I'm sure — ah — in short, 
 I find that I have carelessly left my purse 
 at home — can you kindly — " 
 
 The clerk with the faintest suggestion of 
 triumph in his eye, brusquely waved the 
 great man aside with — 
 
 "Sorry for you, sir ; but the clerk wlio 
 sells stamps on credit is not in. What does 
 the next man want ? " 
 
 The great man, as he backed through the 
 smiling crowd who stood around with money 
 in their hands, felt somehow that his rebuke 
 had been thrown away, and feared that if 
 the case went to»the jurj' without argument 
 it would very probably bring in a verdict for 
 the Government. 
 
 A Candid Confession. 
 There used to live down on Washington- 
 street, a good man, who endeavoured to 
 train up his children in the way tliey sliould 
 go, and as his tlock was iniinerous he had 
 anything but a sinecure in this training busi- 
 ness. Only last summer the elder of these 
 male olive branches, who had lived ivbout 
 fourteen wicked years, enticed his younger 
 brother who had only had ten years' experi- 
 ence in boyisli deviltry, to go out on the river 
 in a bont, a sjjccies of pastime which their 
 father liad many a time forbidden, and had 
 even goiu; so far as to enforce his veto with a 
 skate strap. But the boys went this time, 
 trusting to luck to conceal their depravity 
 from the knowledge of their pa, and in duo 
 time they returned, and walked around the 
 house, the two most innocent looking boya 
 in Burlington. They separated for a few mo- 
 ments, and at the expiration of that time the 
 elder was suddenly confronted by his father, 
 who requested a private interview in the 
 usual place, and the pair adjourned to the 
 wood shed, where, aftei a brief, but higlily 
 
 spirited performance, in which the boy ap- 
 peared most successfully as " heavy villain " 
 and his father took his favourite role of "first 
 old man," the curtain went down and the 
 boy, considerably mystified, sought his 
 younger brother. 
 
 "John," he said, "who do you suppose 
 told dad ? Have you been licked ?" 
 
 John's face will not look more peaceful and 
 resigned when it is in his coffin than it did as 
 he replied : 
 
 "No, have you?" 
 
 "Havel? Come down to the cow yard 
 and look at my back. " 
 
 John declined, but said : 
 
 " Well, Bill, I'll tell you how father found 
 us out. I am tired of acting this way, and I 
 ain't going to run away and come home and 
 lie about it any more. I'm going to do better 
 after this, and so when I saw father I could- 
 'nt help it, and went right to him and con- 
 fessed. ' 
 
 Bill was touched at this manly action on 
 the part of his younger -brother. It tound a 
 ten Jer place in the bad boy's heart, and he 
 was visibly affected by it. But he asked : 
 
 "How did it happen the sld man didn't 
 lick you ?" 
 
 " Well," said the penitent young reformer, 
 "you see I didn't confess on myself, I only 
 confessed on you ; that way the way of it." 
 
 A strange cold light glittered in Bill's eye. 
 
 " Only confessed on me ?" he said. "Well, 
 that's all right, but come flown behind the 
 cow shed and look at my back. " 
 
 And when they got there do you suppose 
 John saw the first mite of Bill's back. Ah 
 no, dear children, he saw nothing bigger 
 thaii Bill's fists, and before he got out of that 
 locality he was the worst pounded John that 
 ever confessed on any'jody. Thus it is that 
 our coming reformers are made and trained. 
 
 A Burlington Novelette. 
 ruArTEH i. 
 
 " Marguoritte ! " 
 
 " Bortrande Hiutville Montaigne du Bif- 
 fin gton ! " 
 
 And the soughing of the September wind 
 8wej)t through tiie tremulous leaves like the 
 whisper of memories, ghosts of the far away 
 had been. Each star that lit the azure dome 
 with plittering ray — er, ah — or — er — with 
 glittering ray Hay. 
 
 It looked like rain. 
 
 cuArrKK II. 
 
 Margueritto Hortense Isana I'Krena del 
 Impcratricia du Calincourt Johnson was an 
 orphan. 
 
 Her father was dead. , 
 
 And, also, by the way, her mother. 
 
 Her groat grand parents wore not living. 
 
the boy ap* 
 ^y villain " 
 )le of "first 
 . and the 
 ought his 
 
 m 
 
 suppose 
 
 3aceful and 
 va it did as 
 
 5 cow yard 
 
 ,ther found 
 way, and I 
 home and 
 bo do better 
 ler I conld- 
 m and con- 
 
 y action on 
 It found a 
 irt, and he 
 e asked : 
 man didn't 
 
 g reformer, 
 self, I only 
 pay of it." 
 1 Bill's eye. 
 lid. "Well, 
 behind the 
 
 ou suppose 
 back. Ah 
 ing bigger 
 out of that 
 L John that 
 9 it is that 
 d trained. 
 
 lie du Bif- 
 
 Tiber wind 
 PH ]ike the 
 (! far away 
 izure dome 
 — er — with 
 
 l*]rt'na del 
 on was an 
 
 er. 
 
 ot living. 
 
 A BURLINGTON NOVELETTE. 
 
 55 
 
 Alas, no. The cold clods rattled on the 
 coffins of those estimable people when 
 Margueritte was young. She was not ac- 
 quainted with the fact until the good people 
 had been dead some seventy-five years. 
 
 Then kind friends, whose hearts were torn 
 sad rifted with oympathy, broke the news 
 gently to her. 
 
 She sat like one stunned. Over her mar- 
 ble face there passed no trace of the emotion 
 which raged like a high fed cyclone in her 
 soul. She said : — 
 
 " Did they leave me anything?" 
 
 And they told her, " Not a stiver, dear, 
 not a lone nickel ; not a street car check ; 
 not a solitary red, red cent. Only an old 
 photograph album with the covers torn off 
 and the pictures lost. Yon are badly left. " 
 
 And then the fountains of the deep were 
 broken up and she wailed in the bitterness of 
 her agony. 
 
 " Why, oh, why did they die? Why did 
 they die ? Why did they die and leave me 
 — leave me — leave me nothing ? " 
 
 A deep manly vsice, resonant as a vesper 
 bell when it is pealing for the fray, answered 
 from the next room, 
 
 " I give it up." 
 
 Let us draw a veil over the dreadful scene. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Bertrande Hcutville Montaigne du Bif- 
 Hngton was not an orphan. 
 
 He was an Ancient and Excepted Odd 
 Fellow. 
 
 Ho was of a noble and numerous parent- 
 age. He had one mother, and she was a 
 Chicago priutcess. She used to hold brevier 
 cases ou The Dalbf Tomahairk. She liad ten 
 divorces, noatly framed, hanging up in her 
 parlour, and Bertrande, whf)se own original 
 father had died if an hereditary attack of 
 arsenic in the sciup while his divorce suit 
 was pending, was successively ilogj^ed by an 
 illustrious line of jjatcrnal incunibeiita, ami 
 acknowk'dgod the sway (if (tne fatlior, full 
 rank, and ten fathers l)y brevet. He loved 
 the lonely or[)han, who had no parents wliat- 
 evcr, from asonseof natural duty and justice, 
 to kind of even the thing up and stiike an 
 equitable average. 
 
 CUAITKU IV. 
 
 There is only one place where nature does 
 not abhor a vacuum. That is under a Con- 
 gressman's hat. 
 
 CHAPTER V. , 
 
 Night had come. It got in on the evening 
 train, and was late as usual. The drowsy bat 
 was on the wing ; or, rather, the wing was on 
 the drowsy bat. Both wings, in fact, were 
 on the d.b, Down in the mossy glade, where 
 
 deepening shadows mock the starlight's 
 gleam, she waits. Her Italian marble brow 
 is clouded with a weight of sorrow. Her 
 finely-chiselled chin is still ; the plastic 
 chewing gum, pasted on the trunk of a rugged 
 oak, cools and hardens in the evening air. 
 The firm tread of a manly No. 9 comes 
 crashing through the woodland. 
 
 'Tis he. 
 
 "Bertrande!" 
 
 "Marguerite!" 
 
 They said no more. They could not. Thay 
 had forgotten the rest of each other's names. 
 They sat in the deepening shadows of the 
 gloaming, holding each other's hands, and 
 trying to think of something nice to say. 
 
 Suddenly his delicate nostrils quivered and 
 trembled with a startled light. 
 
 "Marguerite!" he exclaimed, "we must 
 fly! I hear the sound of native applSjack 
 upon the evening air! M'ff! m'ff!" 
 
 "Oh, hevings!" she cried, "it is, it is me 
 long lost fathyer!" 
 
 "Then," he exclaimed, drawing a United 
 States regulation cavalry sabre from his bo- 
 som, " I am lost!" 
 
 "Oh, no, not lost," she said in earnest 
 tones ; " go straight ahead till you come to 
 the Haivkfijc ofhce, then turn up Market- 
 street two blocks and follow the street car 
 track south until you smell beer. Then you 
 will know where you are. Fe-ly! Fe-ly! 
 Me fathyer comes. " 
 
 "Methought," he said, pausing in his 
 flight, and speaking sternly, " methought 
 thou haddedest not a father. ' 
 
 " I haive, I haive," she shrieked, "and it 
 is he!" 
 
 And as she spoke a fatherly looking man 
 parted the bushes and stood by her side. He 
 was clad in a dark-blue out-away coat, wi^li 
 a button-hole bomiuet, white ve^t, lilac kids, 
 lavender pants, a pink neck-tie, waxed tnous- 
 tache, and a high hat. His boots were four 
 and a lialf ; his snowy handkeroliief wasper- 
 fuined with jockey club, and bis breath with 
 whiskey sour. He was twenty-one years 
 oM. 
 
 Bertrande regarded him sadly, and said to 
 her he lo\ ed: 
 
 " It seems to me your father is rather ju- 
 venile. " 
 
 " Dear Bertrande, " .she said, laying her 
 hand upon her father's shoulder, " he married 
 awful young." 
 
 "Ail," said Bertrande, bitterly, "I 
 thouglrt may be you had adoi)ted him." 
 
 And turning on his heel he was gone. 
 
-56 
 
 A. REMINISCENCE OF EXHIBITION DAY. 
 
 A Rwnlnlaoeaoe of Bxbibitton Day. 
 "Well, no," the boy said, "the thing 
 didn't CO off ozactly as I expected. You see, 
 I was the sixth boy in the class, that was 
 next to the head when the class formed left 
 in front, and I was pretty near the first boy 
 called on to declaim. I had got a mighty 
 |;ood ready and had a bully piece too. Ah, 
 it was a rip staver." 
 
 And the boy sighed as he paused to lift a 
 segment out of a green apple, and placed it 
 where it would do the most good, for a chol- 
 era doctor. We asked what piece it was. 
 
 "Spartacus to the Gladiators, " he said. 
 " Just an old he raker of a piece. 1 got it 
 all by heart, and used to go clear out to the 
 Cascade to rehearse and hook strawberries. 
 Old Fitch " — Mr. Fitch was the boy's precep- 
 tor, one of the finest educators in the state — 
 ' ' he taught m 3 all the gestures and inflections 
 and flub drubs, and said I was just layin' 
 
 over the biggest toad in the puddle. " 
 
 " Excelling all your competitors, probably 
 Mr. Fitch said," we suggested. 
 
 "Yes," the boy replied, "he's a toney 
 old encyclopedia on the patter, is old Fitchy. 
 But him and me was both dead sure I was 
 
 goin' to skin the rag off the bush " 
 
 " Win all the honours," we gently correct- 
 ed. 
 
 " Yet ' he said, " ami the way it went off 
 was bad. You see, I didn't feel easy in my 
 Sunday clothes on a week day to begin with. 
 And my collar was too tight and my necktie 
 was too blue, and I was io a hurry to get off 
 early, solouly blackened thetues of my boots, 
 and left the heels as red as a concert ticket. 
 And the crowd there was in the school-house. 
 Jammed. Every body in their good clothes 
 and every body looking solemn as Monday 
 morning. When my name was called some- 
 thing came up in my throat as big as as a 
 foot-ball. I couldn't swallow it and I could- 
 n't spit it out. And when I got up on the 
 platform--oh, Godfrey's cordial ! did you 
 ever see a million heads without any bodies?" 
 We felt ashamed of our limited experience 
 while we confessed that we could not recall 
 haviny witneHstd such a i)henonienon. 
 
 •' 1 nev.'v ilid till then." the boy went on, 
 but they W( ii; there, for a fact, and I began 
 to reintMnlicr when these heads danced round 
 and round tin; room that I IkuI been forget- 
 ting my i|iicce in the last live minutes just as 
 fast as 1 over forgot to tix the kindling wood 
 at niglii. I'mt 1 commenced. I got along 
 with ' It h.ul lieen a «lay of triumph in Cap- 
 ua," and 'LtMitulus returning with viotorious 
 eagles' and :dl that well enough, but when I 
 got on into the heavy business, T was left, 
 sure. If S|)artacu8 hud talked to the gladi- 
 ators as 1 ilid, they would have thought he 
 was drunk uud hustled him ofT to bed, It 
 
 was awfuL I stumbled alon^ until I cam* 
 to ' Ye stand here now like giants as ye are. 
 Thestrength of brasi is in your rugged sinews, 
 but to-morrow some Roman Adonis, breath- 
 ing sweet perfume from his curling locks, 
 wul with his dainty fingers pat your red 
 brawn and bet his sesterces upon your 
 blood?" 
 
 "That was excellent, capital," we said, 
 applauding, for the boy had growled off th« 
 last sentence like a first heavy villain. 
 
 "Oh yes, it is though?' he said, with 
 some asperity. " Well, that's the way I was 
 going to say it that Friday, but what I did 
 say was, ' The strength of brass is in 
 your rugged sinews, but to-morrew after- 
 noon (you see I got to thinking of a bass 
 ball match) some Doman Aronis breathintr 
 sweet perfumery from his curly socks, wiu 
 pat your bed rawn and bet his sister sees 
 your blood.'" 
 
 " Did they laugh?" ws asked, 
 " Oh no :" he replied, with an inflection 
 that type won't take. "Oh, nj; they never 
 smiled again; they didn't. It was when I 
 got down a little that they felt bad. When 
 he says, ' If ye are beasts, then stand here 
 waiting like fat, oxen for the butcher's knife.' 
 I told them' ' If ye be cat fattle, then wait 
 here standing like a butcher for the carving 
 knife. ' And I got worse and worse until it 
 came to this, ' Oh, Rome, Rome, thou hast 
 been a tender mother to me. Thou hast 
 taught the poor timid shepherd boy, who 
 never knew a harsher tone than a flute noto, 
 to gaze into the glaring eyeballs of the fierce 
 Numidian lion, even as a boy upon a laugh- 
 ing girl. Though hast taught him to drive 
 the sword through rugged links of mail and 
 brass and warm it in the marrow of his 
 foe !" 
 
 " Bravo !" we sheuted. 
 "Cheese it," he said, sentenliously; "I 
 didn't say it just that wiy. I said, ' Oh 
 Rome, thou has ten a bindei mother to me. 
 Thou hast taught the poor boy who never 
 knew a sheep note to glare into the laugh- 
 ing ear of a fierce Numidi.an eyeball even as 
 j a lyin' boy at a girl. Thou hast taught him 
 ! to mail his ragged brass through swords of 
 link, and marry it in the warmer of his 
 I foe !" 
 
 ' " And then ?'" we asked, 
 
 \ "I cried," he said, "and went down. 
 
 • Everybody was cry'n'. They all had their 
 
 faces in their handkerchiefs or behind fans, 
 
 and were shaking so it nearly jar/ed the 
 
 school houw." 
 
 "You sBould practice elocution during 
 vacation, "we suggested, " and you will not 
 fail again." 
 
 He bolted the rest of the green apple, 
 threw his bare feet up in the air, and walked 
 
 around i 
 have no 
 And 
 ing to le 
 each of 
 
MR. OLBNDORFS COMPL.JLINT. 
 
 intil I cftin* 
 Its M ye ar«. 
 ig^ed sinews, 
 onis, breath- 
 urliDg locks, 
 lat your red 
 upon your 
 
 il," we said, 
 wled off th« 
 illain. 
 ) said, with 
 he way I was 
 t what I did 
 brass is in 
 orrew after- 
 ^ of a base 
 IS breathinc 
 socks, win 
 s sister sees 
 
 %n inflection 
 ; they never 
 was when I 
 bad. When 
 n stand here 
 cher's knife. ' 
 then wait 
 r the carving 
 t'orse until it 
 le, thou hast 
 Thou hast 
 •d boy, who 
 a flute note, 
 of the fierce 
 pon a lau;;;h- 
 liim to drive 
 of mail and 
 rrow of his 
 
 Liously; " I 
 I said, ' Oh 
 other to me. 
 f wlio never 
 1 the laugh- 
 ball even as 
 taught him 
 ;li swords of 
 mer of his 
 
 i-ent down. 
 
 1 had their 
 
 ehind fans, 
 
 jarjed the 
 
 ion during 
 nm will not 
 
 roen auole, 
 
 around on his hands in little circles. "Don't 
 have no speakin' in vacation," he said. 
 
 And we knew that, boy-like, he was go- 
 ing to let the day and the morrow take care 
 each of its own evils, and we wondered as 
 we came away how many fathers would 
 recognize their own boys in the hero of this 
 ■ketch, and if dear old Fitch, the oldest 
 boy, with the clearest head and the tenderest 
 heart we ever knew, would remember him. 
 
 Eind 
 
 1 app 
 walk 
 
 ed 
 
 Mr. Olendorfs Complaint. 
 Younc Mr. Olendorf used to board at a 
 nice boarding-house out on North Hill, a 
 little this side of the North Pole. It was a 
 
 J[Ood way out; but ?'r. Olendorf was always 
 ond of pure air and pedestrian exercise, 
 and as his business hours were easy, he pre- 
 ferred the comforts of a home in the suburbs 
 to the excitement and clamour of a down- 
 town hotel. A mild-looking, meek-faced, 
 soft-voiced young man was Mr. Olendorf, 
 as ever you could wish to see. He rarely 
 complained about anything, and he never 
 spoke harshly of any one. He would sit on 
 his trunk, when the famdy had carried his 
 obair down to the parlour for the convenience 
 of invited guests ; and he would patiently 
 saw on his shirt-buttons with a darning- 
 needle and carpet thread, rather than 
 intimate to his washer-lady that it wasn't 
 just the thing to run flne shirts through a 
 corn-sheller to wash them. Many a time he 
 crawled into a bed that looked like the crater 
 of an extinct volcano, rather than report the 
 hired girl for neglecting to make it up. And 
 six times a week he cleaned his grimy lamp- 
 chimney with his fingers, as mr as they 
 would reach, because, he said, in the fullness 
 of his charitable soul, the girl had so much 
 to do she hadn't got round to it. And the 
 seventh night in the week, the lamp being 
 empty and dry as a flat bottle on a hunting 
 expedition, he would undress by the dim 
 religious light of a match. He used to wash 
 with a piece of soap four inches long and two 
 inches thick, as brown as varnish, and so 
 hard it chipped the edges of the wash-stand 
 when it was carelessly dropped ; and often 
 and often, when his eyes vere full of soap, 
 and he reached out his imploring hands, 
 groping for tiie short, thin towel that was 
 seldom theio, he had to feol hia way to tlie 
 bed, abradinj; his shins against things tiiat 
 he coulil'iit; sen and didn't know the niuncs 
 of, and ilry liis face and haii' on the pillow- 
 slips. But h<\ never raurnmred. He used to 
 find bright .'•tioaks of led by the dozen in his 
 pomade, ami go down to the breakfast table 
 with his own coal-black lockn as dry as good 
 advice, and marvel at the exceeding glossi- 
 ness and slickness of the hired girl s bright 
 auburn cranium. But he said never a word. 
 
 And the drouth used to strike his perf umary 
 bottles once in a while, and leave them as 
 empty as a lecturer's head ; and he would 
 wind his modest nasal horn in a handkerchief 
 that smelled like a washtub, and when his 
 landlady's daughter sailed scornfully past 
 him, perfumed for all the world like the 
 ghosts of his toilet bottles up stairs, he 
 never looked suspicions, but only smiled 
 apologetically, as though it was wrong in him 
 to leave temptation in their way. Aud once, 
 when he had an attack of cholera morbus, 
 and sent out for a quart of brandy, and took 
 a tablespoonfnl of it, and came back at night 
 to And the bottle very empty, and the laud- 
 lady's husband very full, and lying in Mr. 
 Olendorfs bed wit'.i his boots on, young Mr. 
 Olendorf only agreed with the landlady that 
 it was very singular, and that the old man 
 must be ill. So you see Mr. Olendorf was 
 inclined to be rather peaceable and meek, 
 and when he did complain there must be 
 some reason for it. 
 
 One ovening Mrs. McKerrel, his landlady, 
 approached the young man for the p-irpose 
 of securing the weekly dole which lie paid 
 for the comforts of a home, and bracing him- 
 self up by a desperate efl'ort, Mr. Olendorf, 
 for the first time in his life, complained. 
 
 "It's the hash, Mrs. McKerrel," he said 
 plaintively. "It's too monotonous. It's 
 good hash. I can't say that it isn't good. It 
 is more nutritious than chopped straw, and a 
 prize candy package doesn't equal it for 
 variety. But I want change. I like hash 
 for I jakfast. But when you give us liaked 
 hash for dinner, and put boned hash on for 
 supper, and give us plain hash again for 
 breakfast, and serve stuffed hash again for 
 dinner, it isn't a square deal. 1 believe you 
 impose on us. I never heard of ' stuffed 
 hash ' before I came here, and the only differ- 
 ence between it and the common kind is that 
 it is thinner. The last 'e'^nffed hash ' you 
 gave us you made us eai with steel forks, 
 and it was as thin as soup, and how is a 
 strong man going to make out a dinner when 
 he has only twenty-hve minutea in wiiich to 
 eai soup with a three-tined fork ? And 1 don't 
 think you do the fair thing by us on what you 
 call 'boned hasii.' It's hardly right Mrs. Mc- 
 Kerrel, to make a hash of sardines and herrings 
 and then call it ' lioned.' It'n just like 
 eating a ahoe-bnish. Now tin re ou^ht to 
 be, once in a whilf, a chanf.'o. Not loo of- 
 ten, you know ; 1 don't expert you to keep a 
 French restaurant for seven (Icllura a week, 
 but just often enough to keep the bill of fare 
 from growing tiresome. Say once every 
 seven years. For instance, you may have 
 'boned hash' to-morrow for dinner, which, it 
 being Sunday, you will. Well, then you 
 might have ' laoned hash' every day until 
 
58 
 
 RURAL FELICITY, 
 
 1882, and then give as a roiist or a car-sprine 
 chicken. And so with 'stuffed hash, and 
 'hash a la mode,' and 'hash la Mayonnais,' 
 'Lady Washington hash,' 'hash on toast,' 
 ' spring hash, with mint sauce, ' and ' hash a 
 la mortar,' and the other hashes on your bill 
 of fare. By serving them up every seven years, 
 you have enough kinds to run clear into a 
 Centennial." 
 
 The landlady, looking aghast, made an ef- 
 fort to speak, but young Mr. Olendorf mo- 
 tioned her to silence. 
 
 " And if you would speak to Mrs. Mul- 
 doon, dear Mrs. McKerrel," he went on, 
 " and tell her that, while I am not proud, 
 I do not consider the hickory shirts which 
 the estimable Mr. Muldoon wears, while he 
 is developing the railroad resources of the 
 United States, exactly the things to wear to 
 church ; and, even if I had no other scruples 
 against attending public worship in a section 
 hand's shirt, torn all the way across the 
 nhoulders and fastened at the neck and cu£fs 
 with horn buttons, Mr. Muldoon's are five 
 sizes too large for me, and I would rather she 
 would send me my own. And if you can 
 bribe her to put the starch in my collars in- 
 stead of my handkerchibia, L feel that it will 
 improve the appearance of 
 
 in her house. Boarders she had kept, of th« 
 very best people and in the hii^hest classes 
 in society, and this was the hrst time she 
 had ever beard a word of jomplaint in her 
 house. 
 
 And that is the way Mr. Olerdorf hap- 
 pened to call around at the Gorham and ask 
 Andrews for a nice room, a long ways up. 
 And Andrews gave him a key, and told him 
 to climb till he knew he was lost, and then 
 crawl into the first bed he saw. 
 
 spare the feelings of a laccated and tender j 
 nose. No man, Mrs. McKerrel, can wii)e his 
 nose on a sheet ci:' tin and do the matter jus- 
 tice." 
 
 Mrs. McKerrel placed her hands on her 
 hips and stcotl up, but Mr. Olendorf begged 
 her to be patient just a moment, while he 
 went on : 
 
 " And do you think, if I madea chalk mark 
 
 Rural Felicity. 
 Mr, Philetus R. Throop is a well-known 
 insurance agent of Burlington. He is a per- 
 fect steam engine to work, and every summer, 
 when he feels about worn out by his labours, 
 ne goes out to the farm of his Uncle George 
 and rests a couple of weeks. He irent out 
 last summer, as usual, but he only remained 
 a couple of days, and on his return he was 
 heard to say that he would never, never, go 
 into the country again if he died for a breath 
 of fresh air. The causes which led to this 
 determination were as follows : 
 
 You see, he got a late start on his last trip 
 
 out into the country, so that when he reached 
 
 his Uncle (ieorge'a farm it was about nine 
 
 my neck, and \ o'clock in the evening, and the family, after 
 
 on thorn, that your domestic uouM learn the give IJnclo (;eor{.'o and the family !i good 
 
 dilt'crence between my hair brush and my 
 shoe brush ? And, if I m,ade her i little 
 present, might she not be induced to lookup 
 sonictliiuu else to black the stoves with in- 
 stead of a shoe brush ? It is dreadfully mor- 
 tifying, Mrs. McKerrel, to bbick your shoes 
 after ni^ht, and get clear in church the next 
 morning i)oforc discovering thatyour feet are 
 
 flisfceniiig in all the glory of ' Plumbago's 
 few Silver (Jrey Lushre, ' and ovorybody is 
 laughing at you. Ami then, Mrs. McKerrel, 
 I don't SCO how my things got so full of snutf. 
 I never use snuff, and I don't want to com- 
 plain, but 
 
 herself no longer. Hastily thrusting her 
 snuti'-liox back in her pocket, she bade Mr. 
 Olendoif pack. What he wanted, she said, 
 was a Fiftli Avenue hotel for seven dollars a 
 week, and he couldn't haveit in her house. He 
 was too particular for such a plain woman as 
 her ; if ho didn't like the ways of plain peo- 
 ple, he would have to go where they were 
 nicer. He was too stuck up and fussy to live 
 
 the good ol<l-f ishioned custom, had gone to 
 bed ; not a lighl. was visible about the house. 
 Mr. Throop uot out of the waggon in which 
 a neighbouring farmer had brought him, 
 before they reached the house, so that the 
 uoisy wheels would not apprise .'i/iy waking 
 member of the, fact that a visitor had come. 
 Then he climbed over the fence and skipped 
 briskly across lots to reach the house, and 
 
 surprise. Mr. Throop was not so familiar 
 witli the farm -.s he ought to have been to 
 attempt sucl'. a nocturnal expedition. He 
 had not gone twenty steps before lie stepped 
 into a groat ditch, and had time to say all he 
 could remend)Hr of the child's prayer, "Now 
 I lay me," before he reached the bottom, and 
 then had plenty of time to c<>!Mp<)se and 
 repeat a much more appropriate and longer 
 one before he crawled out again. Aftor that 
 he went more slowly, picking his steps wi*-' 
 the greatest care, and strniniug Ips eyes as 
 he ])eered into the darkness to distinguish 
 noxious objects. But it was very dark, ,!nd 
 
 Here the exasperatedinatron could restrain | of course appearances were unusually dect;t- 
 
 ful. He would walk around a patdi of young 
 clover or luxuriant turf, his heart standing 
 still the while with the terror of having so 
 narrowly escaped walking into a great well, 
 and the next minute he would, after peering 
 ahead of him until his eyes ached and sparks 
 of tiio danced before them, walk with .the 
 greatest confidence and composure into a pile 
 of last year's peabrush seven feet high, 
 
cept, of th« 
 best clasam 
 -at time she 
 aiut in her 
 
 emlorf hap- 
 Eim and ask 
 ways np. 
 ml told him 
 t, and then 
 
 well-known 
 He is a per- 
 ry summer, 
 his labours, 
 icle George 
 went out 
 remained 
 urn he was 
 r, never, go 
 for a breath 
 led to this 
 
 his last trip 
 1 he reached 
 ai)out nine 
 imily, after 
 had gone to 
 t the house, 
 on in which 
 )Uglit hiin, 
 30 that the 
 (ly waking 
 r had come. 
 itid skipped 
 house, and 
 lily a good 
 so familiar 
 ive boon to 
 litioii. He 
 he stepped 
 ' say all he 
 yer, "Now 
 ottom, and 
 Ml pose and 
 iuid longer 
 Aftor that 
 stop.s wi*'' 
 ii's eyes as 
 distinguish 
 dark, .ind 
 illy dectit- 
 h of young 
 t Btanding 
 having so 
 ^reat well, 
 ber peering 
 uid sparks 
 k with .the 
 into a pile 
 feet high, 
 
 THE QARDBK OF THE GODS. 
 
 tif' 
 
 knocking off his hat, scratching his face and 
 tearing nis clothes. And then such a time 
 as he would have hunting for his hat, and all 
 the imaginable and unimaginable things that 
 he would pick up in mistake for that useful 
 article of apparel, can be far better imagined 
 than described. And once he ran into a 
 fence and nearly put his eve out on the end 
 of a great stake that was standing out like 
 cue point of a chevaux de /rise. And just 
 before he got to the barn-yard he was amazed 
 to discern a creek flowing between him and 
 the fence, and after vainly hunting in the 
 dark for a bridge, he pulled off his trousers, 
 and, holding the bundle of clothes high in his 
 arms, waded across a stubbletield ! so dry, 
 every foot of it, that he might have lighted a 
 match on it anywhere. He thought every 
 tooth he had would chatter out of his head 
 before he could get into his clothes again. 
 Then he got into the barn-yard. He knew 
 it was the barnyard after he got into it, 
 because in less than a minute after he had 
 climbed the fence, he fell over a slumbering 
 cow, and before he could get up, 
 the frightened animal rose to her feet 
 and bucked Mr. Throop over her 
 head. Then he heard a cow get up 
 just Vjefore hiin, and another just behind 
 him, and two or three on the right and left, 
 and when a cow with a bell that could be 
 heard two miles got up and began galloping 
 around the yard stirring up the rest of the 
 cows, Mr. Throop would have willingly 
 given up the best risk he had ever taken for 
 a lantern. It wasn't safe to stand still, so 
 he took his hat in his hand and went along, 
 swooping it around him in great circles, 
 shoutiuj; " Swoosh 1 Hi ! Hooey ! vScat ! 
 Whish ! Whoosh ! .Ste-boy ! " as he went 
 along. He onlj' hit one cow with his hat, 
 however, and the animal thus rudely assail- 
 ed reached out and kicked him in the groin 
 and doubled him up, and with a farewell 
 tiourish liit him on the side (^f the face with 
 the end of a tail so full of cockle i)Urs that it 
 weighe.l twenty-seven pounds and knocked 
 him so Hat he tliought he never would want 
 to gi't 11]) again. Then he saw wliat ho snp- 
 [losed w as the house, looming up black and 
 (uiet before him and he thought his trou- 
 pes were over. They had just begun. 
 
 The next minute he stejiped under an 
 open shed where the agricultural implements 
 had bt en stored during the 'vintcr. The 
 first intimation he had of this was i>y failiiu' 
 over a plough. He scraped both shins, from 
 the instep to the knee, across the edge of tiu' 
 share, and one of the handles caught him 
 under the chin and jabbed his head up and 
 back so suddenly that he heard his neck 
 crack, and the other hunched him in the 
 floating ribs and knocked enough breath out 
 
 of him to start a tornado, in a small way bat 
 on a safe basis. He thousht he never would 
 get away from that plough, for he no sooner 
 got one leg oht of the entanglement of 
 draught-irons, coulter, share and handles, 
 than he got the other one snarled up in n 
 still more hopeless maze of mould-hoard, 
 clevis, sole-plate and beam, besides several 
 other parts that he didn't know the names 
 of. And- when at last he vanquished the 
 plough he lost himself in a cultivator, and wore 
 himself out trying to crawl through the gang 
 of coulters. When he got clear of that he fell 
 in with a reaper and mower, and after prod- 
 ding his instep into indescrihablo agony by 
 thrusting it against the sickle guards as he 
 fell, he caught hold of the reel, which, of 
 course, immediately whirled with his weight. 
 But it chanced that quite a large colony of 
 barn-yard fowls had used the reel as their 
 roosting place during the winter, and as it 
 whirled around the amazed and be<rildered 
 Mr. Throop rained down upon himself a terri- 
 fic tempest of hens and roosters, Brahmas,light 
 Cochins, ungainly Shanghais, and a variety 
 of other breeds in such a tumult of squawk- 
 ings and cackliugs, and flapping of wings, 
 and vague but vigorous clawings of feet, that 
 he didn't care whether he got out alive or 
 not, and, indeed before .le got through with 
 the reel he knocked himself down with its 
 vindictive slats seven times. Then he got 
 away from that and impaled himself on a 
 i horse rake, and fell over the handle rtf a fan- 
 ning mill, and nearly killed himself in tlie 
 horse power of a thrashing machine, and 
 finally got into the house yaid, felt his way 
 to the house, and fell exhausted and speech- 
 less against the front door with a diamond- 
 shaped harrow hanging around his neck. 
 And Uncle George, awakened by the thump 
 at the door, opened an upstairs window and 
 demanded wlio was there, and receiving no 
 i answer shot twice at the recumbent form of 
 I Mr. Throop with his revolver. And when 
 ; they came down with lights and o[)eiit d the 
 door, they were as greatly surprised as Mr. 
 ! Throop C( .lid have wished. 
 
 Tbe Oardp'xi of the Gods. 
 
 The people around Barnes-street will re- 
 member when Mr. Middlerib [ilaiited the 
 "garden of the gods." He bought cartloads 
 of rich earth for it, and loaded it with patent 
 fertilizers, and ground and stirred and raked 
 it 11'itil the soil was fine as corn meal. The 
 see I:' were received hy express, and there 
 wasn't a ])ai'knge that didn't have a full 
 college coni-.st! of l^atin printed on the back, 
 and Kir. Middlerib grew bald trying to pro- 
 nounce the fearful a-.id wonderful names of 
 the seed, that were to make the garden of 
 the gous the wonder of South Hill. When 
 
40 
 
 THE OARDEN OF THB GODS. 
 
 ihese ^erma of magnificent flora were planted 
 the neighboors hung orer the fence in silent 
 admi*-«Hon and listened to Mr. Middlerib'e 
 botanical lectures, delivered over every 
 package that was opened. Where the 
 abolutut haciedendus mierobvlus was im- 
 bedded, he erected a larse trestle immediate- 
 ly, for that impetuous climber to ascf^nd and 
 ramble over. And where he implanted the 
 diocantanean psyttachinelienais psoddium, he 
 reared a tall, straight stick for that towering 
 mass of blossom and foliage vo shape itseu 
 against. He refused tha most penetrating 
 hints for a few seeds of the bianthtu geridian 
 psotlolieiisis tfiasticua, flaridems bilthtu, and the 
 care and great gravity with which he earthed 
 the germs of the bibulua Burlingtoniensis 
 gvjanteus brought tears to the eyes of the 
 women. And when the seeds were all 
 planted, how zealously Mr. Middlerib 
 watched and wrought and fought for their 
 protection He would get up in the night 
 to chase the neighbours' cows around the 
 house two or three times, and across the 
 garden of the gods four or five times, and out 
 of the front gate onoe, and return to his 
 virtuous couch with profanity in his heart 
 and mud on his feet, and one slipper down 
 by the cistern and the other in the verbena 
 bed. 
 
 All the cut-worms in the State of Iowa 
 appeared to be attending a mass convention 
 in the garden of the gods. When the tinner 
 came to Hx the spout, he stuck the ladder by 
 which he ascended to the roof in that sacred 
 ground, and the carpenter who patched the 
 cornice set one of his trestles in the same 
 place. PJvery tramp who came to beg, 
 selected that one favoured locality as the 
 only spot in the world where he might 
 assume the usual humble and respectful 
 position, and rehearse the stereotyped appli- 
 cation for provtnder. Mr. Middlerib nearly 
 wore out his voice shouting at people and 
 cows, and railing at cut-worms, and one 
 Sunday morning he fell asleep in church, and 
 Mrs. M. prodded him with her parasol just as 
 the minister said, in impressive accents, 
 ** And liere we are treading on sacred 
 eroutid." " Git off of it !" yelled Mr. Mid- 
 dlerib, dreaming of the grocer's boy standing 
 on tlie g. (). g., and using his oft-repeated 
 phrase, "Scatter, or I'll bury ye in it!" 
 And it raised such a church scandal that Mr. 
 MidiUcri!) was obliged to double his sub- 
 scription 1;o keep in good fellowship. 
 
 Rut after ina:iifold troubles, the garden 
 came along licauUfidly, only the plants acted 
 a little (lueer. The climber refused to climb, 
 bave in a lioriz.nital position, but after its 
 own way ; and in all general directions on a 
 horizontal plane it manifested a disposition 
 to crowd all over that part of South 
 
 ifo the 
 found 
 e aroun 
 
 HilL The diocanUmtan pgyttachinelietui 
 
 paoddium scorned the straight stici 
 
 by which it was expected to brace iW-4, grows 
 
 self, and grew out in crooked branches lib oath Hill 
 
 » garden oak. But the tender care it rt f^Qre w 
 
 ceived, and the rich earth in which it wa „q^^ ^| 
 
 planted, showed what wonders cultiva ^ broug 
 
 tion will do, and when, at last, Mr. Middle • ^ huti 
 
 rib, after long and manfully holding on .^[^^ q{ 
 
 against the declarations of the envioa ^^^^ 
 
 neighbours and the hints of his wife aoi r Midd 
 
 daughter, was obliged to sit down on tb -xj^ g^j^^^ 
 
 porcn, one lovely summer evening, an( ^^^ 
 
 admit that he had wasted enough breath V YjhH 
 
 make a tornado, and filled the air wit) ^j^^^ of 
 
 vociferous and murderous threats and vituper < ^^^ 
 
 ations, and (jnarrelled with three-quarter ^ 
 
 of his ac(juaintances, all for the sake o ^ 
 
 raising a jimson weed, it was nevertnelea 
 
 a jimson weed nine feet high, with blossonu 
 
 as big as inflated sun-flowers. So he let thi 
 
 jimson weed stand, and argued with ever 
 
 one who came to the house that, with suf 
 
 ficient care and proper cultivation, it could 
 
 be developed into a fruit-bearing tree. Ai 
 
 for the abolutoa haciedendws microbulua, ai 
 
 soon as he was morally and botaniisdlj 'Jngi^ie's 
 
 certain that it was just chick-weed, Mr. „„afiiu 
 
 Middlerib one night secretly pulled it up and 
 
 threw it away, and ever afterward professed 
 
 to be heart-broken because some rascally, 
 
 envious florist had come up from Keokuk 
 
 and stolen the choicest climber in the Mis 
 
 sissippi Valley. The hianthus geridian 
 
 psottoliensis giatticus, florklenn bilthus never 
 
 showed itself until toward the lattei- part of 
 
 June. Then it thrust up a delicate, fragile 
 
 little sprout, drank in a little of the glad 
 
 free air and pure sunlight, heard itself Cidletl 
 
 by its full name, and drooped under the burden 
 
 and died. The bibulua Burliiujtoniensisgiganteui 
 
 came up ani did well. It did not flower 
 
 very abundantly, but it developed very 
 
 marked qna'ities. The chickens came up 
 
 and pecked at it, and then laid them down 
 
 under the curraut bushes and closed their 
 
 eyes upon this world of sorrow and my 
 
 sterious plants. The pigs got into the yard 
 
 and rooted a little of it up, and their sudden 
 
 demise gave rise to the rumour of the hog 
 
 cholera, and the air of the hill was vocal for 
 
 the next five days with the protests of 
 
 healthy porkers against the popular modes 
 
 of treating the hog cholera, such as boring 
 
 holes along the spine with a red hot iron 
 
 and splitting the ears and tail and rubbing 
 
 in salt and cayenne pepper. And after 
 
 Master Middlerib fooled with it and Jtot some » photoci 
 
 of it on his face, which immediately swelled Iplinted o 
 
 up so that nothiug was visible to his eyes, 
 
 and his eyes were visible to nobody, for 
 
 nearly a week, the wonderful plant was 
 
 pulled up with the kitchen tongs and thrown 
 
 There w; 
 Imost peri 
 lounce his 
 n atheist 
 lar which 
 reat dist 
 reatest hi 
 rinciple 
 unately 
 bout by 
 anocent 
 ather war 
 imfortal)! 
 hich he 
 e became 
 Dlenmly (i 
 asket in 
 l> into an 
 ponderoi 
 rho shoul 
 8 the basl 
 elt in his 
 irasn't tht 
 ud felt in 
 yes of tl 
 im, and \ 
 iihi't tin(i 
 iiskot ma 
 1) the left 
 locket of 
 ervousne 
 vhioh rol 
 oundc'^ i 
 he Apoci 
 lore ner 
 ve' the ( 
 usiue cos 
 letters, a 
 
 tring, ai 
 elt like ( 
 M elbow 
 
iraight Stic Wl'o"°d jt. ate it. grew fat 
 brace 
 
 to 
 
 It 
 
 ■; 
 
 er care it rt 
 which it wa 
 iders cultiva 
 Mr. Middle 
 r holding on 
 the envion 
 his wife ani 
 down on tl 
 evening, anfl 
 )ugh breath i "^ 
 the air witl 
 itsandritup«r 
 three-quarter 
 
 the sake 
 
 B nevertnelea 
 
 with blossomi 
 
 A TRYING SITUATION. 
 
 ft 
 
 lie the alley, where the 
 
 geese of Soath 
 
 ~ on it, and 
 
 une around and asked for more. Nothing 
 
 bra^ch^r lik *** v^ST.'' "°^®'' *'^" heavens can kill a 
 "^ ^nth Hill goose. 
 
 There were other plants in the garden of 
 
 e gods that came up and grew to maturity 
 
 ud Drought forth blossoms each after his 
 
 ind, but as they turned out to be various 
 
 )ecies of rae-weed and frog-fennel, they 
 
 ere not coimidered %7orthy of mention by 
 
 , Ir. Middlerib, But he is disheartened 
 
 rvith scientific gaideniug, and he only lives 
 
 ow for one object : to ascertain whether 
 
 ese Latin names are really the scientific 
 
 ames of those plants which they set forth, 
 
 r he was swindled by the travelling seed 
 
 gent. 
 
 er 
 
 A Trying Situatton. 
 There was a time when Mr. Bilderback was 
 
 Soheletthi /'^^ , ,^ ^ „,. 
 
 r^uv, [most persuaded to :ut oti his pew rent, re- 
 ounce his religious convictions, and become 
 n atheist or a pagan, he wasjoot very partic- 
 lar which. He was for many weeks in 
 reat distress of mind, and professed the 
 reatest hatred of all churches, on general 
 rinciples. Tliis state of afiFairs, which for- 
 unately was not permanent, was brought 
 bout by a very annoying, though perfectly 
 anocent occurrence. One beautiful but 
 ather warm Sunday morning he was dozing 
 
 }d with ever? 
 lat, with su 
 ation, it could 
 ring tree. Ai 
 microbulua, ai 
 d botanioillj 
 ck-weed, Mr. 
 illed it up an( 
 ^ard professec 
 jome rascally, 
 from Keokuk 
 3r in the Mis' 
 ■thus geridian 
 bilthus never 
 
 omfortably in his pew, in the church of 
 
 rhich he is onu of the main sleepers, when 
 
 became aware of an apparition gliding 
 
 lattel°part of "'®°'"^y '''*'^'» the aisle with a collection 
 
 elicate, fraeilt 
 3 of the glad 
 •d itself caUeil 
 ler the burden 
 iensisgigantem 
 id not flower 
 veloped very 
 ens came up 
 d tliem down 
 d closed their 
 row and my. 
 nto the yard 
 i their sudden 
 ir of the hog 
 was vocal for 
 3 protests of 
 )pular modes 
 ch as boring 
 red hot iron 
 and rubbing 
 And after 
 and uot some 
 ately swelled 
 to his eyes, 
 nobody, for 
 il plant was 
 ) and thrown 
 
 asket in its hand. Mr. Bilderback braced 
 p into an erect posture, cleared his throat in 
 
 ponderous tone of Roman firmness, as one 
 rho shouUl say "Who's beeu asleep ? " And 
 8 the biisket was extended toward him, he 
 
 It in his trousers pocket for his wallet. It 
 ifasn't there, and as he withdrew his h:^nd, 
 ud felt in the other pocket, he felt that the 
 yes of tlie whole congregation were upon 
 im, and that was all he felt, for he certainly 
 iiiu't rind any pocket-book. He nodded the 
 askot man to wait, asecoud, and leaned over 
 i» the left while he felt in tht right inside 
 ocket of his coat, from which in his growing 
 ervousness he drew half a dozen chestnuts 
 vhich rolled over the floor witli a rattle that 
 oundr>^ in his hot ears like the thunders of 
 he ApO(^aly*^)se, and made him warmer and 
 iiore nervous than rer. Then he leaned 
 »Te" the end of me pew and felt in the other 
 usuie coat pocket and drew out a bundle of 
 etters, a lot of postal cards, a circus tichet, 
 
 photograph of an actress, a funny story 
 >riuted on a card, a pocket comb and a long 
 tring, and his face grew so warm his breath 
 elt like a hot air blaat. Then he squared 
 tis elbows and went for hia vett pooketi, and 
 
 strewed the pew cnahion with quill tooth* 
 picks, newspaper acrapa, street car checks, » 
 shoe buttoner, some lead pencil stubs, and 
 crumbling indications of chewing tobacco, a 
 bit of se^ng wax, a piece of liquorice root 
 about an inch long, and three or four matchef^ 
 Then he leaned forward and, stung to mad- 
 ness 1^ the smilea which were breaking out 
 all around that church worse than the 
 measles in a primary school room, dived into 
 his coat tail pockets, and drew forth a red 
 silk handkerchief, two apples, a spectacle 
 case, a pair of dog skin gloves, an overcoat 
 button, and a fine assortment of bits of 
 dried orange peel and lint. Then he stood 
 up, devoutly praying that an earthquake 
 might come along and swallow up either him 
 or the rest of the congregation, he didn't care 
 much which, and went down into his hip 
 pockets, from which he evolved a revolver, a 
 corkscrew, a cigar case, a piece of string, a 
 memorandum book, and a pocket knife. By 
 this time Mr. Bilderback's face was scarlet 
 clear down to his waist, and he Mas so ner- 
 vous and worked up that he nearly shook 
 his clothes off, while the man with the bas- 
 ket couldn't have moved away, if he had 
 died for staying. And when Mr. Bilderback 
 in forlorn despair, once more rammed hia 
 hand into the trousers pocket where 
 he began the search, the congregation 
 held its breath, and when Mr. Bilderback 
 drew forth the very pocket-book, which 
 he had missed in his first careless 
 search, and had since all but stripped 
 to find, there was a jigh of relief 
 went up from every devout heart in that 
 house. But Mr. B derback only dropped 
 into his seat with an abruptness that made 
 the windows rattle, and registered a mental 
 vow that he wasn't going to come out to 
 church again to be made a fool of by*a man 
 with a long handled darning basket. 
 
 Hr. BUdertMick Loaea his Hat. 
 
 "No," Mr. Bilderback said, "it wasn't.'' 
 He put it there last night, the last thing be- 
 fore he went to bed, he remembered most 
 distinctly. It wasn't there now, and he 
 iidn't know who had any business to move 
 it. Somebody had done it, and he hoped to 
 gracious that it would be the last time. 
 Somebody was always meddling with his 
 things. 
 
 Mm. Bilderback, uoming down stairs with 
 a weary air, asked if he had looked in the 
 closets ? 
 
 •^"Closets?" Mr. BUderback snarled, 
 " Kingdom of Ireland I Does any sane man 
 put his hat in the cloaeta when he wants it 
 every time he goea out ? No. I hung it up 
 right here, on tbia very book of this particu- 
 lar rack, and if it had been left alone, it 
 
MB. BILDUIBAGK LOSI8 HIS HAT. 
 
 would be ther* now. Somo of yon moat 
 h*ve muved it. It hasn't got legs and couldn't 
 get away alone. " 
 
 Master Bilderback BngG;e8ted that it 
 wouldn't be very surprising if it felt its way 
 along fur a little ways, for which atrocities 
 hi was rewarded with a wild glare and a 
 vicious cutf trom his unappreciative parent. 
 Then Mr. Bilderback said, " Well, I suppose 
 I can walk down town bareheaded," 
 
 Well, that was the usual formula. Every 
 body knew just what it meant, and as soon 
 as it was said the family scattered for the 
 regular morning search. Mrs. Bilderback 
 looked in all the closets with the air of John 
 Rogers going to the stake, and then she 
 went into an old chest, that had the furs 
 and things put away in it. and was only 
 opened twice a year, except when Mr. Bilder- 
 back's hat was lost, which occurred on an 
 average three times a day. She shook pepper 
 or fine out tobacco or camphor out of every- 
 thing she picked up, and varied her search 
 
 back, he helped hunt, toa Hia system o 
 conducting a search was to go around int< 
 the back yard and play "tosa ball " up 
 against the end of the house, making myste 
 rious disappearances, with marvellous celerity 
 behind the woodpile or under a large store 
 box, so ott as he heard the mutteringa of thi 
 tempest that invariably preceded and an 
 nounced his father's approach. 
 
 But Mr. Bilderback. His was a regular 
 old composite system of investigation ; it com 
 bined and took in everything. He raged 
 through the sitting-room like a hurricane 
 he looked under every chair in that room 
 and then upset them all to see if he mightn't 
 possibly have overlooked the hat. Then he 
 looked on all the brackets in tlie parlour, 
 and behind the window curtains, .and kicked 
 over the ottoman to look for a hat that he 
 couldn't have squeezed into a wash -tub, 
 And he kept up a running commentary all 
 the time, which served no purpose except to 
 warn his family when he was coming and 
 
 by the most extraordinary sneezes that ever i give them time to prepare. He looked, into 
 issued from human throat, while ever aud , the clock and left it stopped and standing 
 anon she paused to wipe her weeping eyes ! crooked. And he would like to know w ho 
 
 and say that "well, she never." Mrs. Bihler 
 back's search for the lost hat never got be- 
 
 ?'on(l that chest. She would kneel down be- 
 ore it and * \ke the things out one by one, 
 ftnd put them back, and take them out, and 
 aneeze and sigh, and wonder occasionally 
 " where tlie liat could be," but her search 
 never went beyond the old moth proof chest. 
 Miss Bilderback contiued her search to the 
 uncut pages of the last Scrihtur, which she 
 carefully cut and looked into, with an eager 
 scrutiny that told how intensely interested 
 ahe was in finding that hat. She never 
 varied her method of search, save when the 
 approaching footsteps of her father warned 
 her that jie was swinging on his erratic ec- 
 centric in that direction, when she hid the 
 magazine, and picking up the corner of the 
 piano cover looked under that article with a 
 aweet air of zealous interest, exclaiming in 
 tones of pretty vexation, ' 'I wonder where 
 it can be ?" Ami it was noticeable that this 
 action and remark, both of which she never 
 failed to repeat every time her father came 
 into the room, had the effect of throwing 
 that estimable but irascible old gentle- 
 man into paroxysms of the most vio- 
 lent passion, each one growing worse than 
 its predecessors, until they would culminate 
 in a grand burst of wrath in which he order- 
 ed her to quit lookiltg for his hat. Then she 
 would retire with an injured air and tell her 
 mother, between that indefatigible searcher's 
 aneezes, that " one might wear one's self out 
 alaving and looking for pa's hat in every con- 
 ceivable place, and all the thanks one got 
 /or it was to lie scolded." Master Bilder- 
 
 touched that hat. He looked into his daugh 
 i tor's work-box, a sweet little shell that 
 i " George " gave her, and he emptied it out 
 j on the table and wnndci ed what such trump- 
 ery WHS fo)-, and who in thunder iiid liis hat. 
 I " It must be hid," he said, jieering down 
 with a dark, suspicious look into an odour 
 i bottle somewhat larger than a thimble, " for 
 i it couldn't have got so completely out of 
 sight by accident." If people wouldn't med- 
 dle with his things, he howled, for the bene- 
 fit of Mrs. Bilerback, whom he heard sneczinir 
 as he went past the closet do^r, he would 
 know just where to find them, because (look- 
 ing gloomily behind the kitchen wood box) 
 he always had one place to put all his things 
 (and he lifted off the lid of the spice-box), 
 and kept them there. He glared savagely 
 out of the door, in hopes of seeing his hope- 
 ful son, but that youthful strategist was out 
 of sight behind his intrenchuients. Mr. 
 Bilderback wrathfully ••esunied his search, 
 aud roared, for his daughter's benefit, that 
 he would spend every cent lie had intended 
 to lay out for winter bonnets, in new hats for 
 himself, and then maybe he might be able to 
 find one when he wanted it Then he opened 
 the door of the oven aud h)oked darkly in, 
 turned all the cdothes out of the wash basket, 
 and strewed them around, wondering "WfO 
 had hi«l that hat?" And he pulled the 
 clothes-line off its nail, and got down on his 
 hands aud knees to look behind the refrigera- 
 tor, and woudered "who had hid that 
 hat ; " and then he climbed on the back of a 
 chair to look on the top shelf of the cupboard, 
 and sneezed around among old wide-mouthed 
 
 family 
 
1.1 
 
 !!■ Bystem o 
 around iQt( 
 toaa ball " up 
 naking myatC' 
 ellous celerity, 
 a large store 
 tteringa of the 
 leded and an 
 
 was a regular 
 
 Ration; it com 
 He raged 
 
 a hurricane ; 
 n that room, 
 
 if he mightn't 
 lat. Then he 
 
 tlie parlour, 
 and kicked 
 a hat that he 
 
 a wash -tub. 
 nimentary all 
 jose (fxcept to 
 3 coming and 
 e looked into 
 and standing 
 to know v\ ho 
 ito his daugh- 
 le shell that 
 iptied it out 
 t such trump- 
 r liid liis hat. 
 leering dowu 
 ito an odour 
 himble, "for 
 letely out of 
 I'oubln't nied- 
 for the bene- 
 eard sueezinu 
 r, he would 
 
 ecause (look 
 n wood box) 
 all his things 
 le spice-box), 
 ed savagely 
 iig his hope- 
 ■gist was out 
 iiients. ]Mr. 
 
 his search, 
 bencHt, that 
 ad intended 
 new hats for 
 it be able to 
 m he opened 
 I dark^'^ in, 
 I'ash -basket, 
 leiiug "wfio 
 
 pulled the 
 lown on hia 
 he refrigera- 
 ; hid that 
 ie back of a 
 c cupboard, 
 de-mouthed 
 
 MIND RBADINO. 
 
 68 
 
 bottles and pungent paper parcels, and won- 
 dered in mufiSed wrath, " who had AtcZ that 
 hat ? " And he went down into the cellar 
 and roamed around among rows of stone jars 
 covered with plates and tied up with brown 
 paper, and smelling of pickles and things in 
 all stages of j)rogre88 ; every one of which he 
 looked into, and how he did wonder " who 
 had hid that hat." And he looked into dark 
 comers and swore when lie jammed his 
 head against the corners of swinging 
 •helves, and felt along those shelves anil 
 run his fingers into all sorts of bowls, 
 containing all sorts of greasy and sticky 
 stuff, and thumped his head against hams 
 hanging from the rafters, at which he swore 
 anew, and he peered into and felt around in 
 barrels which seemed to have nothing in 
 them but cobwebs .and nails ; shook boxes 
 which were prolific in dust and startling in 
 rata, and he wondered "Avho had hid that 
 hatf" 
 
 And just then loud whoops and shouts 
 came from up stairs, announcing that " here 
 it was." And old Bilderbiick went up ntairs 
 grouliny, because the person who hid it 
 hadn't biou<^lit it before, and saw the entire 
 family pointing out into the back yard, 
 where the hat surmounted Mr. Bilderback's 
 cane, whi';h was leaning against the fence, 
 "Just where you left it, pa," Miss Bilderback 
 explaim>d, " when we caJled you into supper, 
 and it has been out there all night." And 
 Mr. Bilderback, evidently restraining, by a 
 violent tffort, an intense desire to bless his 
 daughter with the cane, remarked with a 
 mysterious manner, that "It was mighty 
 singula!, " and putting on the hat, he strode 
 away with trreat dignity ; leaving his wife 
 and daughtt^r to re-arrange the house. 
 
 Mind Reading. 
 One morning, about the middle of the 
 spring term. Master Bilderback miide his ap- 
 pearance at school with a subdued manner 
 apparent in all his actions, while a cast of 
 sadness min]b;le<l with traces of pleasant mem- 
 ories overspread his countenance. It was, in 
 short, tliut general expression of penitence 
 \H)ich peojile assume after a lioliday of more 
 than usual hilarity. Hia (^uiet manner 
 astonished the scholars and alarmed his 
 teachi r, who feared tliat it was a portent of 
 ■omie unusual mischief, and kept her eye 
 upon the ' '. in consefjuence. He did not 
 appear to be conscious of the surveillance 
 uuaer which he was placed. He bent no 
 pins, he chewed no gum, he tired at the a^l- 
 jaoent scholars no projectiles of masticated 
 paper during the morning; no dismal but 
 subdued cat calls were heard from the vicinity 
 of bis seat; no grotesque grimaces made his 
 neighbours laugh with uncoiinterfeited glee ; 
 
 restful were bis feet, and quiet the tiugers 
 which wrre wont to drum on the desk four 
 minutes out of every five. Master Bilder- 
 back was either in some deep aiMiction or he 
 waa ill. There was aomething wrong about 
 him. 
 
 It tranapired, along toward noon, when 
 Maater Bilderback's spirits began to rise a 
 little, that he had indeed passed undtr the 
 rod, with hia father at the other end of it, 
 during the evening previous. The waters of 
 affliction had >;oue over his soul, and his back 
 had gone under the sole of his mother's slip- 
 per. It seems they had company at Mr. Bil- 
 derback's that evening, quite a large party, in 
 fact, and the conversation turned on mind 
 reading. The discussion became very spirited, 
 Mr. Bilderback being the leader of the party 
 wliich avowed its belief iu meameiic influ- 
 ences. The usual arguments of learned 
 length and tliundering sound were hurled 
 bach and forth, Mr. Bilderback winning es- 
 pecial distinction ))y the clearness with m hich 
 he ))roved that, in certain esthetic conditions 
 of the mental and physical system, the pecu- 
 liar i)sychic forces which always exiat<:(l in a 
 latent state, were roused into an active t;on- 
 dition ; and the action of the intellect uj.on 
 the cereljrum was felt in the cerebellum, and 
 transmitted by mesmeric condition to the 
 candelebra. where the psychomatic trans- 
 fusion of the (icciuital parietis made the Ego 
 as cogniz.ant of tiie mutation and genuflexions 
 of the non-Ego, as though the psychic modi- 
 Hcations really impinged upon the same 
 ganglion ; and the nerve along the ganglia of 
 the two systems, transmuted l)y a touch of 
 the hand, were, and could only be, identical. 
 And Mr. Bilderhack's party said, "Yes; 
 what could you say to that, now ?" And thi, 
 other party shook their heads and said, 
 " Ves ; but that was only a theory, after 
 all ; they would like to see the hypothesis 
 demontrated. " And at that critical junc- 
 ture, Master Bilderback, who had l>een an 
 attentive listener, s]joke up, iu his rough, 
 horrid style, and (leclared that "that wasn't 
 nauthin';"' that the}' tried it at school, a:<t' 
 he couM let the boys hide things and then 
 lead them right to the place where they were 
 hid. The excitement ran high for a few 
 moments, ami Master B. waa closely cate- 
 ciiised, but he never varied from his original 
 story ; and they finally determined to try 
 him. 
 
 Mr. Tweesdlc, a young fellow who dotes on 
 poetry and Miss Bilderback, was the first 
 subject. He announoed that he was think- 
 ing of a certain object, and by the way he 
 looked at the mind reader's sister, every- 
 body thought they knew what it was. But 
 Master Bilderback sei2e<l him by the hand, 
 led him out in the hall and up to the hat- 
 
64 
 
 A EkVH BIT. 
 
 rMk, followed by the entire company, »nd 
 reaching his hand in Mr. Tweedle's overcoat 
 pooket, drew forth a bag contaiaine a pound 
 of Bausages, half a dozen eggs, and a couple 
 of rusks, remarking, "There, that's what 
 you're thinking of." And just at that 
 moment he certainly was, although he shook 
 his head in an idiotic manner and laughed 
 feebly, while all the rest of the people never 
 smiled, but only looked at each other and 
 said, '* Why, how funny !" 
 
 This sad affair cast a gloom over the entire 
 community for a few momenta, but the 
 people rallied and demanded another test. 
 There was a general reluctance on the part of 
 the visitors to take a hand in it. and so Mrs. 
 Bilderback was prevailed upon to bfj a sub- 
 ject in the course of scientidu experiments. 
 As soon as she had assumed a pensive ex- 
 pression and announced that her mind was 
 wholly oecut>ied with one subject, to the ex- 
 clusion of all other terrestrial things, the boy 
 gra8{)od l»er by the hand, and away they 
 went, sailinsi up stairs, follo\v(?d by the en- 
 tire congre^^ation. The mind-reader mar- 
 shalled them into a room, and leading his 
 HubjcHit straight to the bureau, drew from a 
 small drawer a false set of teeth and a bottle 
 of hair dye. Mrs. Bdderback shrieked, the 
 comjiany l()f)ked grave, and some of the 
 ladies declared to each other that well now, 
 they never did. 
 
 There was another brief season of gloom, 
 which was dissipated by Mr. Bilderback de- 
 claring that as neither of the subjects in the 
 two experiments they had just witnessed 
 had denied the accuracy of the 
 mind-reailer's judgment, he would sub- 
 mit to the test himself, (jlreat applause 
 greeted this determination, and as Mr. Bilder- 
 back, with a glance that threatened a mas- 
 sacre if there were any tricks played on him, 
 placed his h;.' I in that of his son, the con- 
 gregation rose en masse to follow where the 
 mind-reader mi<^ht lead. Master Bilderback 
 placed his hand against his father's forehead 
 for a moment ; then he placed it against his 
 own and remained for several seconds in a 
 thoughtful posture, and then led his reluctant 
 parent, followed by the company, out of 
 doors, and, calling for a lantern, which was 
 provided, they went into the wood shed, 
 where the mind reader, despite several 
 stealthy nudges from his parent, reached his 
 hand behind a pile of hickory knots, and 
 drew forth a whiskey bottle nearly a foot 
 long, flat as a board, and about half full. 
 Then a shadow fell upon the community that 
 not even the cordial good nights that were 
 exchanged at the door could dissipate, and, 
 after the footsteps of the last reveller had 
 died away in ihe distanoe, Master Bilderback 
 held two separate private seances with his 
 
 parents, the remarkable manifestations of 
 which occasioned the subdued state of mind 
 and unusual depression of spirits which wer« 
 so painfully apparent in the young man ths 
 following day. 
 
 A Safe Bet. 
 
 One night last winter old Mr. Balbriggan, 
 who lives out on Columbia-street, had occa- 
 sion to make a journey out to the wood shed 
 to get the hatchet. It was very dark, and, 
 as there was no lantern about the house, Mr. 
 Balbriggan took a kerosene lamp, and, shad- 
 ing it very carefully with a big tin pan, 
 started out to the wood shed. The wind was 
 rather uncertain and gusty, and Mr. Bal- 
 briggan had some misgivings about his get- 
 ting out to the shed without accident ; and 
 every time the lamp flared his mind misgave 
 him. " I'll bet a dollar that lamp'U blow 
 out," he muttered when the first gust came, 
 but he shied the tin pan around with great 
 promptness, and the lamp steadied down. 
 There came another gust and a bigger flare, 
 and the chances for the lamp going out im 
 proved so decidedly that the old gentleman 
 promptly raised his first stake. " I'll bet a 
 dollar and a half," he muttered, '"that lamp 
 blows out. " Then the wind lulled a little, 
 and as he hurried on toward the shed it was 
 so quiet that, while he didn't quite lose all 
 confidence, he began to hedge a little. " I'll 
 bet fifty cents," he said, " it'll go out before 
 I get hack." Another gust and a Hare. "I'll 
 bet two dollars tiiat lain)> l)]o\vi out," mut- 
 tered the old gentleman again, chipping a 
 little higher as the chances seemed to grow 
 V)etter ; but again he saved the light by the 
 time'y interposition of the tin pan " I'll 
 bet three dollars," he ciied v.itii great earn- 
 estness, as the next gust came, ' ' this 
 lamp'U blow out," but there were no 
 takers aad the lamp rallied again. But a 
 still stronger gust fairly lifted the flame out 
 of the top of the smoked chimney ; and the 
 old gentleman hissed in a hoarse, suppressed 
 whisper, "I'll bet five dollars tjjis lamp'U 
 blow out." But it settled down to work 
 once more, and did very well until Mr. Bal- 
 briggan got very close to the woodshed ; 
 when the wind rallied and came at the lamp 
 from two or three directions at once, and the 
 old gentleman fairly shouted, I'll bet ten 
 
 dollars this lamp'U blow " and just then 
 
 the door of the woodshed blew violently 
 open, hitting the lamp and the tin pan, 
 knocking them both out of Mr. Balbriggan's 
 hands, and striking the old gentleman a ter- 
 rible blow in the face that made him see 
 more lights dancing in the air, for about a 
 second, than even the lamp could send forth. 
 And whUe he held his nose with one hand 
 and groped around with the other to find 
 
stations of 
 ate of mind 
 which wer« 
 ig man th« 
 
 Balbriggan, 
 ;, had ooca- 
 ! wood shed 
 dark, and, 
 house, Mr. 
 and, shad* 
 J tin pan, 
 le wind was 
 I Mr. Bal- 
 it his get- 
 ident ; and 
 nd misgave 
 nip'll blow 
 gust came, 
 with great 
 ied down. 
 igger flare, 
 ug uut im 
 gentleman 
 ' I'll bet a 
 'that lamp 
 d a little, 
 lied it was 
 te lose all 
 ttle. "Ill 
 ) out before 
 Hare. '"I'll 
 out," mat- 
 chipping a 
 d to grow 
 ^ht by the 
 n "I'U 
 great earu- 
 ne, "this 
 ! were no 
 n. But a 
 flame out 
 ^ ; and the 
 suppressed 
 ^id lamp'll 
 1 to work 
 il Mr. Bal- 
 vuodshed ; 
 t the lamp 
 ■e, and the 
 '11 bet ten 
 just then 
 violently 
 ' tin pan, 
 vlhriggan's 
 man a ter- 
 le him see 
 )r about a 
 lend forth, 
 one hand 
 9r to find 
 
 YOUNG MR. COFFINBlSfeUY BUYH A DOG. 
 
 66 
 
 where he was, there came from the house 
 door the voice of the eldest juvenile Bal- 
 briggau, falling through the darkucss like a 
 falling 3tar : "Kaise hiiu out, pa. r-uae hiui 
 him out ; make it a huudrud dollars ; you've 
 got a dead Hure thing on it ! " 
 
 The Lay of the Cow. 
 
 SwiU'h endue Lotiita, "B. C. U & M.," 
 
 Was BlowituiT up Front Str-ot nbout three I'. M. 
 
 When the stoker looked out of the window to 
 
 say, 
 " There's a (.'ow goinir 'crods the t-r-a-c-kay." 
 
 Pensively lialtedtho cow <m the track, 
 Buro on tier luMident tail, bi'dn ui) herbuuk : 
 Dreaming u[ Suniniei', ylit; seeaied uol to see. 
 The aypro.v(;h ijf the switoh e-n-g-l-n-e. 
 
 dog, and he tried to read all the signs, and 
 crawl under all the waggon8,an(l dive between 
 every body's legs as he went along. And 
 the first thing he knew, he had a cuittract on 
 hand that was much too big for him, and he 
 Wiw just about crazy over it, for he wasn't 
 the dog to give up, if he was young, and he 
 stuck to his work like a Trojan. And this 
 was what made people ]au,i;;li. The young 
 I man who was leading liim had just lifted his 
 , hat to some lady acrjuaintauces who were 
 I passing when the dog, looking up, misunder- 
 stood tl)e motion and thought Ids master was 
 going to hit him adiff witii that hat. With 
 I the natural instinct of self preservation, the 
 
 'Tlieresho is now,' 
 ■for tlio now."' 
 cried, 
 
 shy, timid young thing dashed between the 
 young man's legs and ran to the length of 
 his tether ; tiie.i he ga''e a terrified howl and 
 'riliuo ! Qh, ! darted back in the opposite direction, going 
 outside the youuj; man's right leg. Then, 
 with a terrified yelp it sprang back between 
 the legs again, circled around and came down 
 outside the left leg. Then it ran rapidly 
 around the young man, dived through his 
 never hoided nor tliought that her j legs agaiu and ran around him once and a 
 
 half iu an opposite direction, and his last 
 manceuvre closed the performance, for it 
 wound the dog completely up, with his 
 frightened face laid close against the young 
 man's knee. Mr. Coflinberry blushed to his 
 ears, and replacing his hat, began the task 
 of extricating himself from the toils that art- 
 ful dog had cast around him. But the ani- 
 mal's confidence was not yet entirely 
 restored, for at every movement of Mr. 
 Cotfinberry's hands, he squirmed and writiied 
 and pulled back on the string until he was 
 olutked, and coughed and gasped in a manner 
 moat terrifying to the people not tlioroughly 
 People lifce I their eyes above their mufflers acquainted with the symptoms of hydropho- 
 one raw Novviiulier morning as they walked \ Ida, and the young man was naturally as 
 down JefFer.son street, andsiuilo I and grinned, i badly frightened, when these paroxysms 
 and lauglied even unto hysterical weeping, j became very lively, as was the dog itself. It 
 s they wat ;iic.l the ti>ils(tme and uncoitain 1 was fifteen minutes before the snarl was 
 progress of a patient young man who ha I i disentangled. Then before they had gone 
 bought a dig .uul wis leatling" his property lialf a block further, that dog, after having 
 
 Once more spake i lie stoker. 
 "Buliy," thi^ ciKinij jr (juolli, ' 
 And rcvcr-tiiii? \\\a engine he 
 
 shoo !" 
 Said the sioiicr, "Oli, shoo't the see-oh-double- 
 
 vou." 
 
 Shrilly the whistle shrieked fo^th ifaalarm, 
 d the SI 
 
 swarm ; 
 But thtt c 'W 
 
 star 
 Was setting at fo'ir miles an li-o-u-r. 
 
 Tlie awiU'h en -me struck hor about amidships. 
 And hersuiiiinerdreains lOf. with at >tal eclipse; 
 ft mangled ti r carcase, most shocking to see, 
 And threw her down Front s-t-r-doubie-e-tce. 
 
 Siadly the engineer drew in his head. 
 
 And "pulled her vvid^ouen." asonvvardhe sped; 
 
 Bat the St )ker smiled gayly, "Old fellow," said 
 
 he, 
 "There's some cheap porterhouse s-t-a-k-c.'" 
 
 'That isn't, the way to spell por erhouse steak, 
 but thf. ri,'lit way wouldn't rhyme. 
 
 Young Mr. Coflanberry Buys a Dog. 
 
 home. It was a nice enough kind of a dog, 
 one of tile kind of dogs whose mouth begins 
 bav:k close to tlie shoulders. It had dread- 
 fully long legs, this dog, with great knobs of 
 knees, and its restless tail had a dejected 
 droop, as though the dog was just heart- 
 broken at the idea of leaving liis old home. 
 The young man was leading the dog along 
 with a vei y long string, oue end whereof was 
 tied around the dog's neck. The only 
 trouble with the do^ was that he was young. 
 He had not attained the years of discretion. 
 He couldn't trot placidly along thinking of 
 things. He couldn't walk at his master's 
 heels with a face as solemn as though he 
 expected to be sausage before Thanks^ving 
 Dftj. He WM » Dflryous, fidgety, inqauitive 
 
 rushed into and been forcibly, and in some 
 instances rather petulantly, dragged out of 
 every doorway on the line of march, incon- 
 tinently shot down a cellar grating, where he 
 was immediately clawed and scalped by a 
 cat as big as a soup box, and was also 
 nearly garrotted by his master draw- 
 ing him up out of the cellar by the 
 cord, for all the world as though he was a 
 well bucket. About thirty steps further on, 
 the dog ran between a clergyman's legs, got 
 frightened and ran around him once and then 
 dived between his master's legs, then rushed 
 out towards the curb stone, but changing his 
 mind, circled back and scooped in a blushing 
 school teacher, »nd then gued uuon the mis* 
 chief he had wrought, with hiaeone howli» 
 
A MODSIUl G09UK. 
 
 The bystanders thought <^bey never could get 
 out of that entanglement. The minister de- 
 elared alternatively that " he never did " 
 and moreover that "well he never;" the 
 blushing school teacher remarked " good 
 gracious," and suggested also, "dear me," 
 and, furthermore, " well, 'low ;" and the 
 young man said something ao<m^ the dog 
 being damp, which was highly improbable as 
 tlie morning was very raw. By dint of a 
 great deal of persuasion and pulling and 
 hauling, however, in ^hich they were greatly 
 assisted by the dog, the unhappy trio were 
 finally separated and went their way, making 
 itoeffectual efforts to look unconcerned. Then 
 the dog wrapped himself up around a lamp 
 post ; then he got through the hind wheel of 
 a grocer'? waggon five or six times, back and 
 forth, around a difiereut spoke every time, 
 while his master was talkmg to the grocer, 
 and the latter drove oif before ths young man 
 noticed what arrangements his dog hc.d con- 
 ciudeil with the wheel, and JefTcrson-street 
 IK as edified by the spectacle of a dog wound 
 up to a waggon wheel and revolving rapidly 
 with it, while a young i.\an of pleasing ad- 
 dress ran alongside the wheel and adiled his 
 agonized appeals to the iialf-sti.'led wails uf 
 the hanging pup. They got the waugon stop- 
 pod and got the pup loose, and tiio young 
 man, wearied with the long struggle, reso- 
 lutely turned toward the store, and walked 
 rapidly away, the unhappy dog lying prone 
 on his hack, gaspin^^ and pawing the air, 
 while the hoys wlio witnessed the strange 
 procei^sion made the welkin ring with cries of 
 "Dog'sa chokin ! mi«ter,yer dog's achokin!" 
 But young Mr. Coffinberry knew that so long 
 as his dog was helplessly sprawled on liis 
 back he couldn't wrap the inhabi tarts of 
 Burlington up in perspiring, distracted 
 groups, so he t apt on the even tenor of his 
 way, and wh**.! he finally untied the string 
 from the animal's neck and turned him 1< e 
 in the store, there wasn't so much hair ou 
 that dog's back as wouhl make a tooth brush. 
 
 A Modern Ctoblin. 
 
 A dreary, cheerless Christinas Eve. The 
 dead hour of day, when the pale twilight 
 falls over the earth, still and eolourlcKS as a 
 shioad. Down t!ie long vistas of de8erte<l 
 streets but here and tlujre the feeble rays of 
 ■ome Btru(;irling light dcnnis through the 
 gray twilij^lit, pale as the glitter of a jowtl 
 on the lirow of death. Across the dull waste 
 of sky the ghostly clouds fly before a piercing 
 wind, which whirls ;>nd tears tlieir edges in- 
 to fluttering fringes. The uloan.ing fades 
 ■lowly ai>d almost imperceptll)ly into night. 
 Away back from the town, out on the bleak 
 hillsides, the lenftess tt-^es toss their bare 
 Atm*, gauht iiKftn«|i agaUfflt'the pallor of the 
 
 sky, the twayins; branches answering theii >ells chii 
 mocking shOidows, dancing like spectres os bh« bleak 
 the frozen ground ; while the witheredphutters. 
 leaves rustle Tike very shudders. 
 
 The hour, neither light nor darkness, 
 neither day nor ni;,'ht, ^hat, with 
 weird, indescribable magic, draws you 
 from the cheery grate to press your 
 face against the cold window, and 
 dream out into the gray light, peopled 
 
 {lea all j 
 ng the 
 iti totl'esh 
 iisaitpea 
 rassals o 
 in auswe 
 ill possil 
 
 with spectres and visions — often grotesque, lorpulen 
 
 but never merry — that come trooping from 
 every shadow. (Monies a rosy little face 
 framed in tangled tresses — ah, long, loug un 
 folding years must roll l>aok to take you to 
 the time when the laughing eyes looked into 
 yours; tonight you reroeniVier — dear child 
 — the dimpled handi were crossed on the 
 pulseless breast, when you were a boy ; and 
 the cheerless winter landscapes, the dreary 
 hills of snow, and the leafless forests stretch 
 away, mile after weary rnii«, between your 
 home and where the Christmas winds sigh 
 plaintive monodies over her little grave, 
 There conies a thoughtful, earnest fane, mftnly 
 and nol)]e ; u ])laMiiate of your boyhood, a 
 
 awful b 
 iar aqu€ 
 inder th 
 jur best 
 A.nd wl 
 onger 
 window 
 anionsl 
 burner, 
 tna the 
 time, W( 
 place,' 
 wise eni| 
 For t 
 reached 
 
 colhge clas-smate and friend ; the man who f^'Mxt ha 
 
 titood for your ideal of all that is biave and 
 true, and vii tuouis ami generous. As you 
 look at it, you remember, to-night, that 
 when j'ou saw the real face, so little time ago, 
 it was worn and ol<l audhaggani, and stamp- 
 ed with the lejtrous mark of vice. Yfiu 
 shuihler at the recollection ; but the pleading 
 look of the visio'i goes to your heart as it 
 fa ie.s away ; and other faces long forgotten 
 crowd befoie yon. One. furrowed with 
 marks ot jiatient suffering and care, with sil- 
 ver bauii.i ill tliehrown hair drawn so smooth- 
 ly awny from tlie brow , mother-love glisten- 
 iiiji in the tender eyes, mother lov' in the 
 ([uivering, heart-reaching eloquence of the 
 tieniulous lips, mother-love in the caressing 
 gesture of the gentle liaii<ln -what wonder 
 that it lingers long, and faiUs only wlnnyou 
 brush :lie burning tears that blind your eyes 
 and veil the vision from your .sigiit ! And 
 comes one sweeter, dearer than all — your 
 heaf^ throbs nuiro quickly as you see a sha- 
 d«'' . 'it' in the deepening twilight a face 
 gli»ri'ing with blu.shesaiul wreathed in smiles; 
 a face thatsiiniie into your life like suii.sliine, 
 ill its bright springtime daj;B ; a face that 
 has remained onstHiit while everything else 
 liaH changed -your old heart grows tender 
 and young with dear lecoUeetioiiK, and ycni 
 thank ( Jod that although years have set their 
 mark upon this ilear vision, it is still your», 
 loving, faithful, and powerful to bkas and 
 charm in every mood and at all tiuies. It is 
 gone and looming through the deepening 
 shadow.s another form of faniiliar presence 
 fl^e^ l^»}{((»re youj T1^^8ijlv;}^|'^'>)i^e8ofiViempry 
 
 rightonf 
 ;he blaci 
 ating th 
 ness me 
 withord 
 mdtoch 
 ng, pose 
 leTate I c 
 re 'ow 
 uxury o 
 ivives h;t 
 ueraberj 
 poliziiu 
 ;.is bid 
 aithful 
 
 V! been 
 prill be a 
 •uddy irl 
 )ut into 
 8 opene 
 iverte I, 
 lowling 
 t. The 
 
 ;iiristiii 
 
 all'iuM, 
 
 ;hmn ot) 
 
 Miy it V 
 
 leaerilM 
 July the 
 
 10U84 d 
 
 )laiiksiti 
 lu.st th» 
 
 .Vud 
 treet, \ 
 lud gu I 
 
A MODERN GOBLIN« 
 
 87 
 
 nawering theiip>ells chime like a Christmas enrol thron^h 
 ike spectres ob bh« bleak wiad sbakiog ao angrily the noisy 
 withered ihutters. It is the milkman, and he jao* 
 l^es all your sweet drenms out of tuue, send- 
 ng the ({hosts your retrospect ha» raised back 
 iti bo tbe shadowy past. And a.s your visions 
 yon Jisappear, you dismally watch the female 
 vassals of the neif^hbourhood sallying forth 
 in answer to the tinklint; summons, bearing 
 kll possible maimer of squatty tinware and 
 iorpulent yellow bowL, in which to receive 
 awful but attenuated measures of the pecu- 
 iar aqueous fluid of cerulean hue with which 
 nier the ghastly appellation of "cream," 
 to take yon to >ur best society dilutes its table beverages. 
 yes looked into A.iid wlien ibis amusement ceases to be 
 er — dear child onger interesting, you leavH the draughty 
 crossed on the irindow and seek the more congenial com- 
 janionsliip of the black close-shut gas- 
 burner, which out of respect to your conceit 
 lua the conventionalities ot the Christmas 
 time, we have designated a " cbeery fire- 
 place," witli an incipient cold in your other- 
 wise empty head 
 For the 
 
 the 
 srs 
 
 nor darkness, 
 lat. with 
 
 draws 
 o press your 
 window, and 
 light, peopled 
 ten grotesque, 
 trooping from 
 osy little face 
 
 long, long un. 
 
 re a boy ; and 
 es, the dreary 
 forests stretch 
 between your 
 as winds sigh 
 • little grave, 
 est fane, niAnly 
 
 lur boyhood, a reached to 
 
 long hill that stretches around behind th« 
 house like a tf"^^ horse shoe, and looks down 
 on all the business, and bustle, and noise, 
 and hurry, and work, and fatigue that have 
 made tlie city so rich and powerful. And 
 just at the time we were speakinsj: about, a 
 gentleman was making devious headway up 
 this hill, just as the street leaves the business 
 of the cit^ and goes scrambling up to the 
 quiet and rest op top of the h 11. A discour- 
 aged looking gentleman, who seemed to have 
 begun his <Jtiristmas at the wrong end, and 
 so got nearly through with it before it had 
 really commen:jed. The gentleman's Napo- 
 leonic head was covered, part of the time, 
 with a glossy silk tile, which <(rt had shaped 
 into the fashionable, uncomfortable cylinder 
 which adorns the caputs of our Best Young 
 Men, but accident, 6ft recurring, and too 
 many vigorous slappings on and pattings 
 down by the officious but ill-directed zeal of 
 many frieuiis, and too frequent steppiugs on 
 bv the owner as the la:it means of checkin 
 
 the uian who 
 is 1)1 ave and 
 lus. As you 
 to-night, that 
 little time ago, 
 ril, andstamp- 
 )f vice. Yfiu 
 lit tht; pleading 
 ir heart as it 
 long forgotten 
 irrowed with 
 care, with sil- 
 iwiisosmooth- 
 ir-Jove glisten- 
 ^r lov • ill the 
 quence of the 
 the caressing 
 wliat wonder 
 only wlK-nyou 
 liiid yoiu- eyes 
 ' «iKlit ! And 
 lian all— ynur 
 on so»' a iiha- 
 ili^ht H face 
 thei! in smiles; 
 like sunshine, 
 a face that 
 v'er\ thing else 
 grows tender 
 ioUK, and you 
 have set their 
 is still youri, 
 to bless and 
 times. It is 
 he deepeniug 
 iliar presence 
 \w of i^iempry 
 
 its mad career in a rac^ '.vith the wind, ha 
 shadows have beckoned and I graced this glossy cylindm with many alter- 
 each other, and joined their | nate elevaticms and deprassiims, I'iving it 
 
 iant hands, and danced until the light is 
 rightenel away. In heavier volumes rolls 
 he black smoke f tn every chimney. ,indi- 
 atingthiit theesti a.ible and respectable bus- 
 iness men of the city, having left \,hei' clerks 
 with orders to save gas and not waste the coal, 
 ind to close the store oidy when the last linger- 
 Dg, possible chance of securing one more 
 )eTate i customer has faded into hopelessuess, 
 ire 'ow at home, enjoying the unspeakable 
 uxury of heaping the stove with coal their 
 wives hive carried in, and driving the other 
 uemher.s of 
 )I)olizing the 
 
 ias lii.rht3 twinkle in the streets, for the 
 aithful alnia'iac in the gas coiopriny's offijo 
 
 that corrugated etfect so attractive, natural, 
 .and useful in the wa. I l)o:vrd and concertina, 
 but very repugnatit .md ungraceful in the 
 silk hat. The gentleman's eccentric sfyle 
 of buttoning his over.:i.,it, three holes over 
 the same button, lent an air of abstraction 
 to his general appearance, while his knitted 
 brow toM of intense mental conflict and 
 exertion. He made iittle forays from the 
 sidewalk to tlie middle of the street, return- 
 ing to his pathway by devious and an<;ular 
 
 balHe 
 
 ways, as though striving to Oattle some 
 
 the family to maduess by niou- j unseen pursuer. From time to time he made 
 
 privdege of poking the fire. vii;i<)u.s, i.npulsivrf. stanle.-l clutches at the 
 
 streai.iing ends ol' lii.s iiec'<tie, liuttering in 
 the blast, which he icgar.lod with a va;:uo 
 uncertain ti^ifor. and, whea In; ha<l seixed 
 theui,he laughed in hollosv, hysterical accents. 
 The smell of coffee was hevrd in the distance 
 as ho passed, and ever and anon, as the rest- 
 openel, men are hurrying home, their faces ' less 'Mrth raised itself in pr(ci))itoua terraces 
 
 as been ini^"! nd, "Mid they <lonot know there 
 prill be a moon ({uitc late in the morning. A 
 ruddj' irli>w of lirelight ;ind lamplight streams 
 )utiut«« the gathering darkuess when a door 
 
 iverted, and their bodies i)owed against the 
 lowling wind, or else scudding briskly bef e 
 t. The city was iiurrying home to enj 
 
 ii'istii.as Kve in the bossoiu of its sevi i 
 iniiMM. and to scold the children and pack 
 hem <>S to b'id, if they romped and inad<; 
 no luutrli noise. Everybody knows what 
 ity it was, so tli«re is no use w.isting time 
 escrilM'j^ it. ft w»h just the Haino old city, 
 lily they had 8t.reiix^heiied the little brick 
 ouse down i>el()w the corner where the 
 
 acksmith ii/"d. with ^ eoat i>f whitewash.. 
 Iii.st the same "li oty. 
 
 .Vnd everyWoiv knows tiio hill ou the 
 treet, where it turns t ■ wind up th« bluff 
 >ud gu to the riuli folkd h xiset on top of uhe 
 
 before him, he lifted liis feet liigh in air and 
 witii lofty steps essayed to scale the treach- 
 e»()us miraue. He {jtiused in his circuitous 
 pro,'res8 t< shake hiids vith the last iriendly 
 lamp pint on that tliorou^lifarc, cxpresniag 
 his eonlideiice in that faithful municipal liglit- 
 houRH as a "goo' role feller,'" who was, under 
 ■■i,ny and every possible eimiltinatioii of 
 dniumstances, "allri'." .\t times he felt 
 for his hat with both iiands, and having 
 secured a linn grip ujion its uncertain brim, 
 he re uoved it froi.i his liead with great i:au- 
 tion, and swinging it violently in the air, 
 proceeded with greai enthusiasm and hiiarti- 
 ness to "hurrah for" somebody, but in- 
 variably forgot wiio, when he came to the 
 
68 
 
 A MODERN GOBLIN. 
 
 name, and contented himself with aaanring 
 himself that that was " all ri'," after which 
 with gravity he felt for his head, fcuiid it, 
 and with much deliberation got the hat up 
 on top of it, generally sidewayu or upside 
 down, and with great physical effort, crushed 
 and pulle t it on. At length, having' parted 
 company after affectionate and prolonged 
 adieu-, with the last friendly lamp-post, the 
 young gentleman loudly- announced that he 
 was a "total wr -hie! — e-eck" and pro 
 ceetled furthermore to declare that he would 
 not and could not b}' any means be induced 
 to seek the slielter of his mothers roof again 
 until siudin;.; morn shouM hail ami deck the 
 hills with gold, and ttie ro«y-Hngered hours 
 should huraUl tiie comin>,' of the god of day. 
 Ami singing this true Btiitenient in a rich 
 baritone, a kind of wlmeli^arrow tone, in 
 fact, possosHinu' niore volume an<l hoarse 
 whee/.ines-j than we could a uniie in Nilsson's 
 chest louf'S, he niaif a vigoroun i)ut in- 
 effectual effort to fall up the hdl, and angrily 
 ejaculatiug, "Ju know who yer pushin'? " 
 he sunt over the curbstone witn frenzied 
 gesturoH tliat Meeined to proceed at least from 
 ten p^iirsot legs, and disappoaied in the gloom 
 ol til'' gutter, where he lay, and whence his 
 stert-rous breathing startled the nervous 
 passers by. 
 
 Hail the fallen man ke]jt on the uneven 
 tenor of hi^ way a little tarther he would 
 have cucounteied a mysleiinus being that 
 woula liave "transformed his snores into 
 sounds lit deeper iutoaation. The street, 
 where it turned and led U|) the hdl, was not 
 a checMulOne. On tiie west si<le the bluff 
 rises aliriijiiiy as a wall, aod on the opposite 
 aide it siidvs away into a dark, gloomy ravine, 
 that i.as an uneiviiny li">k at the best of 
 times, ami the sidewalii i.s provided with a 
 wooden nviling, to keep eareleisa or belated 
 passengers from plunging down the hiil siilo. 
 A litui' Hiream winds along the rjiviue, en- 
 d«a\ i/uriu;'., in a despairing kind .)f way, to 
 find it- way to the -iver, which it never 
 dues, li starts, but from the time the citj' 
 wai: tirsL settled there has I yen no record 
 that the little stream ever got dear through; 
 nobiid\ kiiowc what lueomes of it, Miiei'e it 
 tfoes t<i; but certain ii is, that all trace of it 
 ■B lost befiiiy It gets half May to any «here. 
 But we have naugnt ui do with tins forlorn 
 Bttle country lirook that conies purling 
 Hhroiigh ])Ieab<ant niea<iows, tiud bubbling 
 over while peiibles, and wrangling around 
 great bowider.s, to ^et bewilibred and lost in 
 the I ntaiigiing mazes of *.i/e diaiim and gut- 
 ters and sewets acid ctilverts of tlu; city. 
 
 treated on the railing of the sideMalk was 
 an apparition of far lesw cheerful nmn than 
 the gentleman who. when we left him, had 
 jntt wrapped the curbetones about him and 
 
 laid down to snore the Christmaa hours away. 
 This tigure wore a snow-white mantle, mnoh 
 too airy and summery for the season and very 
 decidedly out of stj le, which fell from his 
 angular shoulders in graceful folds, ■\ portion 
 of its light tissue being folded over his osseous 
 head after the most conventional style of his 
 class. As he swung his legs carelessly to 
 and fro, they struck the lower boanis of the 
 railing 'vith a strange rattling sound like 
 muffled castanets, and his manner of wiiistliug 
 " Down Among the Dead Men," under his 
 breath in that weird, ghostly place, with the 
 bluff rising black aud abrupt b^jfore him, 
 and the ravine lying deep in impene- 
 trable shadow behind him, had that awful 
 touch of the supernatural in it that would 
 make one's idood run cold to contemplate. 
 A ghostlier ghost never chose a ghostlier 
 time or place for his ghastly recreations. 
 
 He ceased bis hollow whistling aud stilled 
 his nervous legs as he heard approai ning 
 footsteps on the sidewalk, and drtinpeo from 
 his easy perch on the railing as a > "Ung 
 and a lovely maiden came toward him. toilu., 
 up the slope down which the December ze- 
 phyr roared and swept into a fury that wouhl 
 make an Ulster overcoat feel sick. The young 
 man's arm was wound tenderly round his 
 companion's shrinking seal-skin elo d{, while 
 he h >arseiy whispered words into her ears, 
 which were rosy with the exl'ilaiating in- 
 tiuence of twenty-eight degrees below zero. 
 The ghost stepped in front of them. 
 
 " Exjuse my hoarseness," he said, with a 
 winning smile, that extended over the entire 
 width of his finely-chiselled face, "but I 
 had the vers disagreeable misfortune to havfl 
 my throat cut in this exceedingly romantic 
 spot about half a century since, and my 
 voice has since been affected to such an 
 ex " 
 
 The very wind paused in its noisy bluster 
 to listen to the wild shrieks that were jderc- 
 ing the darkness like acoustic arrows, and 
 the rapid patter of two jiairs oi Arctic over- 
 shoes that were jiouiiding the Imsom of the 
 frosty earth far down tlie bill, away from 
 the shadow of the bluff, away from tbedread- 
 tul blaikiiesK of the ravine, in the direction 
 of the gl< amiiig street lamps ot the city. 
 
 The ghost leaned upon the railing and 
 sighed as lie said: 
 
 " This was not the style ot re ponding to 
 an apology when 1 dwelt among nun. Per- 
 haps my voice, which I have not ui-ed before 
 for fifty years, has that in its uiouldy accents 
 which is disagreeable, startling, and possibly 
 repulsive, to moital ears, I will modulate 
 my intonation." 
 
 He paused to observe the figure of a portly 
 man, looming vaguely through the uiiiht,as, 
 with many aathmatio puffs, the well-led oiti* 
 
hours away. 
 laiitle, mndi 
 son and very 
 fell from his 
 r's, s portion 
 ir his osseous 
 i Btyle of his 
 lareleaaly to 
 loards of thf 
 ; sound like 
 of wiiistling 
 under his 
 .ee, with the 
 before him, 
 ill impene- 
 that awful 
 that would 
 [3(iuteinplate. 
 a ghostlier 
 3ati(>iia. 
 g iuid Mtilled 
 appioa. ning 
 niiipeii from 
 
 I >"Ullg 
 
 i hull, tdili.. 
 >et;enil)er ze- 
 > tliat would 
 
 . riie young 
 y round his 
 clodi, while 
 to her ears, 
 iiivratinjif in- 
 
 litilow zero, 
 leni. 
 
 saiti. with a 
 'er the entire 
 face, "but 1 
 tune to have 
 ;Jy romantic 
 iioe, and my 
 1 to such an 
 
 loisy bluster 
 
 I were ])ii!rc- 
 arrows, and 
 Arctic over- 
 Koni of the 
 
 away from 
 in t lie dread- 
 lie direction 
 [.he < ity. 
 
 ruiJing and 
 
 'pon<iinf( to 
 nun. Per- 
 used before 
 lult I y accents 
 iind piifisibly 
 
 II niiidulat* 
 
 e of a portly 
 he niKht,as, 
 Nr«ii-tiid oiti- 
 
 A MODERN GOBUN. 
 
 leD essayed to beat up the hill against the 
 wind. 
 
 "He looks," said the siieotre, musingly, 
 "very nu<!ii like an h"' cat old settler 1 used 
 toknow, w ho sold whi.skey to, and stole furs 
 from, the Indians, the year after I tiist came 
 to what is now this city." 
 
 The panting citizen came along side and 
 was pas-siiig by, when the ghost dropped his 
 bony hand noiselessly iu the hollow of his 
 arm. 
 
 "A thousand pardons, my dear sir," he 
 began. " Ijut I observe a most extraordinary 
 resemblance in " 
 
 "Oh-H-H-H-h Lord!" 
 
 And again the ghost was alone. As the 
 echoes of the excited and grossly misapplied 
 rem^irk of the citizen died away h\ the mock- 
 ing echoes of the dreary solitudes, the ghost 
 walked across the street and carefully exam- 
 ined the face of the bluff, in which direction 
 the portly mortal made his unceremonious 
 and abrupt exit. 
 
 •' No," the spectre remarked, after a criti- 
 cal inspection, "'it is very evident that he 
 did not plunge through the hill ; he certainly 
 ran over its smsiniit. The celerity with which 
 he accomplished this undertaking, at his 
 time of lite, and his condition of superfluous 
 flesh too, smacks almost as much of the 
 marvellous to me as I did to him. I would 
 be willing to bet my boots now," he added, 
 with a ghastly wink at his bare feet, " that 
 the I'ortly old party can't come here to-mor- 
 row noon and get over that hill inside of 
 tweuty-fiv( minutes." 
 
 " Passen^^er travel on this street,'* he con- 
 tinued lesunnng his station on the sidewalk, 
 "is livelier tlian it was in my time. As I 
 remember, i lie two gentlemen who perform- 
 ed the flnrgi<:al operation on my windpipe, 
 which lias ho disgreeably affected my voice, 
 had to wait here for me five houis in the 
 cheerless ij;l'i>m before my other business en- 
 i^agenients ji. rmitted me to come along and 
 make an involuntary and unwilling third in 
 thrir interesting little surprise party. And 
 I h on a stump near this very spot, and 
 wati lied my lifeless remains nearly two days 
 before tbf inroner foun<l them and gave them 
 the enstoiiiiiiy inquest with a fearlul and 
 womierfiil viirdiot. followed by (Jliristian 
 burial, ^'^'s, yen, the village has been proB- 
 perouH si'H'e then, and ntiw — but boft, a 
 young man a lover, too, or I'm no ghost. 1 
 will befriend him an<l he will love me. ' 
 
 A iioodly \oung man he was indeed, as 
 ghost or viil would wish to nee. Torture 
 racked ins .-tnul wiicn, at every step his dain- 
 ty IhioUi. .1 r<i«eand a litdf too small, touched 
 MMfrrouni' And even the snowy expanse 
 flf bnen ruiU. w^iighted with moss-agate 
 
 R^ c buttons, faded to conceal the fact that 
 
 his flame-coloured kids would not button." 
 Though the piercing wipd chilled him to the 
 very marrow, his overcoat was opened and 
 thrown back from his throat to display the 
 blue necktie that giaced his paper collar. 
 The elaborate and iiainful costume betrayed 
 his errand. You might wring bergnmot out 
 cf the air when he passed along, and there 
 wis jockey club on his handkerchief, and 
 his breath smelled a little of sozodont:, some 
 of trix, and a gteat <leal of something else. 
 The ghost lookeil after him, as he passed by, 
 with as much friendly admiring interest as 
 he could throw into Ids rather ojien cou.ite- 
 nauce, and then gathering his robe about 
 him followed swiftly and silently at the 
 limping heels of the nice young man, who 
 toiled painfully but patiently and exquisite- 
 ly properly up the hill until he reached the 
 summit of the grade, and pausing before a 
 mansion of pretentious appearance, proceed- 
 ed to investigate the ever changing myster- 
 ies of the front gate. 
 
 Properly constructed, the front gate is 
 more fearfully and wonderfully niait than 
 the architect who desig)..s or the cat j inter 
 who builds it. No otln r crcateil or manu- 
 factured thing in the whole wide universe 
 can equal or rival it for original jiervtrsity 
 and malignant obstinacy. A patient man, 
 whose soul is melting within him from 
 chronic and exaggerated meekness, will fall 
 from grace and relieve his tortured soul iu a 
 bijirst of giant powder profanity after fifteen 
 minutes' struggle with a front gate, and then 
 he will shower a tempest of abuse n])on the 
 unknown man who contrived such a diaboli- 
 cal and outrageous gate, and ho will cease 
 to struggle with it and will climb over the 
 fence and disintegrate his raiment on the 
 pickets, and abrade his cuticle all the way 
 down his back as he slides off, and then his 
 soul will be tossed into a very sirocco of 
 passion and mortification when he sees the 
 dog of the mansion come trotting along and 
 open the gate with a simiile push of his nose. 
 Or a woman, fuilof a woman's love aud 
 yearning tenderness, will take ludd of a gate 
 and tug at it, and pull ami haul and jerk 
 until she nearly drags the solid pustsup by 
 the roots, and when all the blood in lur sys- 
 tem is boiling in the top of her head, iind her 
 eyes are starting from tlieir sockets, and she 
 dissolves in tears of uttar.abject wretcbeilness 
 aud rage because she is debarred by viitue 
 of her sex from the ecstatic piivilege of 
 swearing at Ihe gate and the pirate who 
 made it, a grinning Ii<iy will ojien the 
 barrier l)y merely pulling it the oth- 
 er way. .Men with real livinur ideas, 
 and lofty aspirations, and soaring ambitious, 
 and gr&nd, iiliniitnhlc thoughts, swelling and 
 groaning aud throbbing in heart and brain. 
 
70 
 
 A MODERN GOBLIN. 
 
 m 
 
 have stood before an orthodox front gate and 
 manipulated its fastenings, moving that 
 piece this way and this one that, and all of 
 Uiem the other, until the pot-metal securities 
 have assumed the vexed and perplexing 
 varieties and dimension of a Chinese puzzle, 
 with the delirium tremens or a Centennial 
 election table. And then, when at last wi'ih 
 A despairing groan he lets go of it, and raises 
 hia hands to heaven to call down its righteous 
 judgment upon the unregenerate mocker who 
 made that gate, it slowly swings open by its 
 own weight, and the diBtressed Christian dis- 
 covers to his unspeakable amazement that he 
 has had it open twenty times within the last 
 fifteen minutes. And all these troubles are 
 magnified after night. Hook and staple con- 
 nect the swinging gate and the immovable 
 Eost where hook and staple there were none 
 efore. The most trilling and ordinary bolt 
 has a way of acquiring a double action after 
 dark, so tliat whatever is loosed at one end 
 is immediately fastened nu as tight as a can- 
 didate at the other. ^Sails, too, appear, 
 driven in the post immediately above the 
 latuh, and tinally, when all other ties are 
 sundered, lo, a strap hugs the whole struc- 
 ture in its binding embrace. It is a work of 
 ten minutes to tiud the buckle, ain' when 
 found it is a knot, tie<l when the strap M'as 
 wet, and now firmer in its clinging folds and 
 more intricate in its appalling entanglements 
 than the famous knot which Gordius of 
 Phrygia tied in his chariot harness, a knot 
 which batUed even the sublimest efforts of 
 the Chicago divorce lawyers. Even the 
 siniplest form of a gate latch known to man, 
 composed cf a round hole in a post into 
 which a stick is thrust athwart the gate, is 
 a snare, a vanity, a vexation of the spirit and 
 a mortification of the flesh ; for no livinK 
 man opened a strange gate of this ^enus ihat 
 the stick did not come out'with a jerk, rasp- 
 ing the abraded knuckles along the ruae 
 edges of the pickets. 
 
 VVitli a gate which priesented, or rather 
 concealed, and successfully developed, like 
 masked l)atterics, all the modern combina- 
 tions (if baffling elements and inventions, the 
 young man has this time been expostulating. 
 A good young man, fur while he has been 
 labnuriiig with that remorHeless gate with all 
 the inlonsity of purpose and earnestness that 
 iires till blood ul youth, he has only relieved 
 his iniixitient swelling' soul by saying from 
 time to time that "he would be dad binged," 
 once oi twice varying the tense us the future 
 •uddeidy seemed to break upon him with all 
 the fulness of time, to declare that he idum 
 "da<l )iinG;ed," and several times, as though 
 constiouH of some degree of uncertainty at- 
 tending the whole matter, devoutly hoping 
 that, at some indefinite time in the va^ue 
 
 hereafter, he might be " dad hinged." One* 
 he passed suddenly to the imperative and 
 paaaive, appealing to some unknown quantity 
 to "dad bing the dad binged old gate," 
 a confusion of mood, tense and voice that 
 was absurd, and even the ghost, which stood 
 in the porch of the mansion watching hii 
 movements with an all-absorbed interest 
 which visitors from another world display 
 in terrestrial matters, shook his head gravely, 
 as if doubting the advisability of a neediest 
 waste of power in dad hinging that which waa 
 already declared dad binged. fiut the 
 ghastly visage relaxed in a grim smile, as 
 with one last tremendous effort, the adoles- 
 cent raised the barrier from its fastenings, 
 hinges and all, and fell forward to the gravel 
 walk with the fiendish gate clasped in his 
 arms, reaching the ground in a rattling 
 chorus which roused all the dogs this side of 
 the moon. 
 
 Disengaginghimself from thechaos into which 
 the gate hadfallen,the yonng man reached the 
 porch with a halting step, and as he stood 
 near the door, brushing gravel off his clothei 
 with his tattered kids, the ghost gathered hil 
 bustle and train about nim, slid deftly 
 through the key hole, and flattened himself 
 out against the door on the inside. The 
 tinkle of the bell had scarcely sounded in the 
 hall when a light footstep was beard in echo 
 to its olamour, and a beautiful young girl 
 hastened to the door. She opened it, but 
 the ghost stepped before her and faced the 
 smiling, blushing, bowing younu man, threw 
 his gaunt arms around his neck, and in a 
 hollow whisper began, 
 
 "Darlmg! I have watched so off 
 for " 
 
 A terrific yell rang through the corri i 
 like almost any other yell would ring un^ 'r 
 similar circumstances. A rush of hasty . . jt 
 along the gravel walk, a stumble, u crash and 
 a dismal howl at the sight of the fallen gate; 
 then the dying echoes of feet, pattering foot- 
 steps in the distance, and then nilcnce, dia- 
 Eossessed of her curtainerl throne for on* 
 rief moment, resumed her noiseless reign, 
 and th" smiling ghost, after a vain eflort to 
 dig himself in the ribs, chuckled with dismal 
 joHity and hid his shadowy form in the re- 
 cesses of the porch. 
 
 The young girl stood spell-bound, crazing 
 out in the direction of her vanished lover, 
 and shaking her lovely head in mute, aston- 
 ished negations, in re^ptaise to the hurried 
 and excited enquiries of the family, who 
 came swarming into the hall in all possible 
 stages and degrees of amazement and terror, 
 propounding with great volubility all th« 
 connndrums which wouM naturally suggest 
 themselves in consequence of such an astound - 
 
>ged." One* 
 perative and 
 own quantity 
 d old gate," 
 id voice that 
 
 which stood 
 watching hia 
 bed interest 
 vorld display 
 lead gravely, 
 if a needless 
 at which was 
 But the 
 rim smile, as 
 
 the adoles- 
 
 ;s fastenings, 
 
 to the gravel 
 
 .asped in his 
 
 a i-attlin£ 
 
 this side of 
 
 OS into which 
 t reached the 
 na he stood 
 ff his clothes 
 gathered hii 
 
 slid deftly 
 ned himseu 
 iisiiJe. The 
 iiided in the 
 eard in echo 
 
 young girl 
 ned it, but 
 d faced the 
 man, threw 
 , and in a 
 
 A MODERN" GOiBtlN. 
 
 71 
 
 so 
 
 OK 
 
 lie corri v 
 ring un' >r 
 f hasty , . jt 
 a viom and 
 fallen gate ; 
 Lteringfoot- 
 silence, dis- 
 ne for on* 
 lelens reign, 
 in ellbrt to 
 ivith dismal 
 in the re- 
 
 ind, Grazing 
 ihed lover, 
 lute, aston- 
 he hurried 
 "lily, who 
 II possible 
 »nd terror, 
 fy all th« 
 lly suggest 
 11 astound- 
 
 ing and unheralded and unprovoked outburst 
 of human voice. 
 
 "I cannot imagine what did ail him," she 
 said at length, when her stern father, in mild 
 reproof, had laid his heavy hand upon her 
 rounded shonlder, and oscillated her lithe 
 form to and fro until her back hair was in her 
 hands, and the floor was strewn with hair- 
 
 fiins and samples of curls, thick as autumnal 
 eaves and one thing and another strew the 
 brooks in Vallambroaaand vicinity. "I open- 
 ed the door, and before I could say ' Good 
 evening,' he opened his mouth to its fullest 
 extent, and with a look of horror, fled from 
 my presence, leaviiig no token save an 
 amount of noise altogether incommensurate 
 with his size. I can't imagine what he could 
 have seen to affect him so. I was afraid at 
 first that I hadn't rubbed the ])earl powder 
 out of my eyebrov 3, but I had. " 
 
 Eveiy member of the convention offered 
 a suggestion or an explanation of the myster- 
 ious affair, hut they were all overruled by 
 paterfamilias, who, venturing the grnff opin- 
 ion that the yount; mau/was in tb^ habit of 
 placinghimself exterior to sundry and various 
 decoctions dispensed at tl'.ose retail drug 
 stores which are, by laW; closed on Sundays, 
 and had merely incurred that peculiar foim of 
 mental distemper in which the patient keeps 
 a private menagerie on exhibition in his boots, 
 drove his wondering family back to the par- 
 lour. 
 
 But youth is buoyant. Its sonows are 
 transient and its tears are April rain, flecked 
 with sunshine even while they fall ; its fears 
 are short lived as its sorrows, and die away 
 when the thought or scene that uave them 
 birth is gone. So he who flew from the hid- 
 eous shadow tnat had veiled the fairy flgure 
 of his love from his fond gaze, blushed in the 
 darkness at Ids nervous fancy, and . earrang- 
 ed his wardrobe, retraced his steps with more 
 of that native grace and innate dignity pe- 
 culiar to the young man of the nineteenth 
 century, than he had displayed while making 
 his presftncc seldom. Again he passed the 
 wreck of the demolishc<l gate, and once more 
 he rang the hell, and listened for the echo- 
 ing fooif.ill. wliile the attentive spectre came 
 and stood doiunrely at his elbow. 
 
 " You horrid boy," murmured a sweet 
 voice through the keyhole, " I have a great 
 mind not to let you in. What made you act 
 so perfectly ridiculous ?" 
 
 "Dearest," the young man said, "it wan 
 a fool'sh, Imrriblo fancy ; 1 will never 
 frighten you again. " 
 
 "Tt was perfectly dreadful," she replied, 
 "horribly, (IreadfuUy awful. How could 
 you be so horribly dreadful ? But you may 
 come in this time " 
 
 And with coquettish deliberation she 
 
 opened the door, to see the ghost, bending 
 his smiling gaze upon her colourless face and 
 staring eyes. 
 
 "Thank you," he said, in hollow tones, 
 "since you insist upon it, I will come " 
 
 " Oo-oo-ee E E-E-E !" 
 
 And thump ! She dropped to the floor 
 with a velocity and abruptness, tl<at even 
 astonished her ghost. Dumb with amaze- 
 . nient, her lover stood gazing at her form, 
 lying prone upon the new hall carpet, emit- 
 ting a seiies of longdrawn shrieks. He re- 
 coiled as again the members of the family 
 came pouring and buzzing out of their 
 rooms, like hornets from their domicile on a 
 swaying apple tree bough, jarred rudely by 
 the unconscious granger's towering head. 
 The angry father caught a glimpse of the 
 trembling, half-stupeHed, and tnoroughly 
 mystified youth, standing near the door- way, 
 appealingly and timorously offering his ex- 
 planations. The parent, with a f^w hurried 
 words, disappeared up stairs. Quickly he 
 returned, bearing in his hands a ponderotia 
 shot-gun, at the sight of which the young 
 man, witho.it pausing to explain, tied quite 
 as precipitately, and with as little ceremony 
 as he had sauntered away from the embrace 
 of the ghost. 
 
 "Because," he remarked to the wind, 
 which was vainly trying to keep pace with 
 his flying movements as he cleat ed the fallen 
 gate with a hound, and waltzed airily down 
 the road, ns though tight boots were « vision 
 and an unreal dream, "because the old man 
 appears to be a trifle impatient to niglit, and 
 I would not cross him in his sadiler moods. 
 He might do that to-night for which to- 
 morrow I mi«ht monrn." 
 
 And deftly passing from twelve to flfteen 
 linear feet of solid earth heneatn each foot, ott 
 as he raised it from the ground, with swift 
 evasion he transferred himself to healthier 
 climes and more congenial scenes. 
 
 The indignant father, meanwhile, had 
 ste]>ped out on the porch, and holding his 
 warlike weapon a-port, peered anjfrily into 
 gloom for a glimpse of the Hying fi,ure, whose 
 (listant, echoing footsteps he could laintly 
 hear. 
 
 " Thou art so dear," he said, " and yet so 
 far." 
 
 To him the silent ghost a(>proached. 
 Standing by his unconscious side, the spectre 
 leaned his bony etbow on lii" mortal 
 shoulder, resting his. hollow cheek upon his 
 attenuated hand. Then, with a graceful 
 motion and an easy gesture, of winch a bal- 
 let dancer mii^ht be proud, he ilrew aside the 
 lower portion of his drapery, disclosing to 
 view a pair of cmaciateii shins ot which a 
 brtllefc dancer would most certainly be 
 ashamed. Crossing one of these specimens 
 
n 
 
 A MODERN GOBUN 
 
 of anatomical curiosities iu front of the j and settlu thia vexed question by consulting 
 other, he rested the bended limb upon the the piflr glass." 
 
 toes, and stood thus for a moment, in that I With that graceful, easy manner which is 
 elegant and charming pose so much affected | characteristic of a well-bred ghost, he slid 
 by our best, young men at the opera and 1 through the keyhole, and a moment later, 
 theatre, who place themselves on exhibition ] stood singeing his bloodless shins before the 
 for tlie untaught multitude upon every pos- ; blazing grate, while ho made a ciitical in- 
 
 sib) c occasion 
 
 For a few " brief moments he stood 
 thus, wrapped in admiration ot his retinci! 
 and elegant appearance, then drovpiog his 
 face and turning it until his breath, if he 
 had any, would have swept the cheeks oi his 
 unconscious companion, he said : — 
 
 " Let me entreat you. dear sir, to do ; 
 nothing rash. Let me implore you to put i 
 by your murderous weap " i 
 
 Bang ! bang ! Two loads of death-dealing 
 bucksliot perforated the roof of the poroii, ' 
 an<l the howl of «n elderly voice mingloi i 
 with the crashing, discordant echoes that ro>-e | 
 clattering through the darkness. The siani i 
 of a door, and thern-li and .scramble of many 
 feet succeei led, foll'iwcd Ity tin- iJangiiut ' i , 
 locks ami bolts ; tii.> subducil hubbni> ti 
 many voices coulu he heard, detailiu / in i 
 many exagyerateii piuascsj, extravagant ii:»r i 
 ratives, and with :; smile of grim ainusiniunt [ 
 playing across hi vprcssive fcaturts, iil;e a 
 telegraphic lino tioia one ear to the other, ^ 
 the spectre learned, as he listened at the key- 
 hole, that while the master of the iumse had i 
 been standing on the porch, a pale Idue light , 
 suddenly clove the night, accompanied by a i 
 sulphurous smell, in tiie midst of which ap- 
 peared, rising out of the ground, a colossal 
 body with Kve heads, and with hideous 
 gashes yawning in its throats, from which 
 the welling blood ilowed down, and splotjhed 
 and streaked the long M'hite robe with horri- 
 ble carmine stains. Its many eyes,, the 
 patrician said, glared like burning coalK, and 
 its hair twined and wreathed itself in fantas- 
 tic shajies, like living serpents. 
 
 The sf)entre assumed a thoughtful look as 
 he listened to these terrible revelations. 
 
 '' It is barely possible," he said, " that I 
 am a ranligned apparition. From his vivid 
 powers of imagination, niul a slight tendencj' 
 to fsxuijgoratt'd word ciiloiiring m narration, 
 ono would take this iMcrly party for one of 
 
 .spection of his visage in the mirror. After 
 studying the picture for some moments in 
 silence, he sttokcil hi(! chin with a com- 
 placent air while a sniiik of self-satisfaction 
 playe<; over his features. 
 
 "Any mortal," he murmnicd, "who 
 would tlee in terror from such a-face as that; 
 any man who could dctact any thing like an 
 unearthly f;lare in those hollow eyes ; any 
 creature who can find it in his heart to an- 
 nounce the discovery of hair on that head, or 
 find a trace of blond about that Hunre, from 
 tl\roat to heels, is a lunatic, and should be 
 looked after. Be looked after." he added, 
 in an absent way, "Looked after. Looked 
 after." 
 
 " And," he continued, affcr a few moments' 
 dciilieraticn, "I should like > be appointed 
 to look after him. He wc .d then have a 
 mr)re faithful consctvator tlian w.-is ever ap- 
 pointed by a county court. I wuld interest 
 and .imuse him, and strive to divert his 
 nund from the tioubles wliicli appear to have 
 so disordered his imagination ami ilittorted 
 his vision and faculties of observation. I 
 would keep him in a state of constant mental 
 activity. I would help him around, and I 
 would niake myself useful to his family in a 
 variety of ways. For instance, 1 wtmld make 
 this old gentleman so distrustful of tiiat long 
 walk up the hill after daik that he never 
 would stay down town late at night, and 
 could not be induced to attend lodge, or 
 'just step down to the post effice ' after 
 supper. I would imbue his very nature with 
 such an utter abhorrence 'or dark places 
 that he would never kiss the hired girl 
 behind the cellar door. Never again ; ne-ver, 
 never. I would reform this man, add make 
 this family happy, and this houvse should 
 ! resound with manifestations cf excitement 
 I and exclamations of astonishment, and indi- 
 j cations of vet y dubious merriment, as it were. 
 I I see niU' h good in this virtu<m.s and happy 
 project, and I will cultivate the acquaintance 
 
 the L'itted prevaiicatoi.-i who deal in pf)litical of this excellent la<ly of tlie Tuansion, con- 
 projijie'ios in tl;c [•!■ -idential ycvr. I may j vince her tif the necessity of a ju-otector tor 
 not ho a very liandsomo gh'ist, but I do m. st j herself and her family, and carry my plans 
 
 prnfonudlv believe that thi^ portly Ananias 
 who, 1 Pi'c, is jii.'t now leaving the room to 
 learn how his daughter is coming on, has 
 nu>Kt foull\ traduced my personal appear- 
 ance. An<l while there is no one in this 
 apartment save that conifortablelooking «.ld 
 lady, who has been terrified and mystified 
 into umtionless silence, I ^viH quietly step in 
 
 1 have a conviction that 
 most itomfoitalde iiuuse to 
 
 into oj eiation 
 this Would bf; n 
 haunt." 
 
 He stepped to the side of the matron, and 
 laying bis icy Hngers against her cheek to 
 arouse ber attention, and holding his throat 
 with the other hand to prevent his voio* 
 escaping prematurely at the aperture which 
 
by consulting 
 
 anner which is 
 
 yhu8t, he slid 
 
 moment later, 
 
 bins before the 
 
 e a critical in- 
 
 mirror. After 
 
 lie moments in 
 
 uitli a com- 
 
 Ii -satisfaction 
 
 mii;cJ, "who 
 a 'face as that; 
 ■ thing like an 
 low eyea ; any 
 lis heart to an- 
 )ii that head, or 
 at Hiiure, from 
 and siiould be 
 er." he added, 
 aft( r. Looked 
 
 a few momentH' 
 ' be appointed 
 id tiien have a 
 n wiiH ever ap- 
 W'uM mtercBt 
 to divert hi« 
 I aj>fiear to have 
 1 and dii-torted 
 »bservation. I 
 -•onstant mental 
 arouid, and T 
 his family in a 
 S I would make 
 ;tul of that long 
 tliat he never 
 a I ni^dit, and 
 ttui.d lodge, or 
 i8t . tfice' after 
 sry nature with 
 or dark places 
 the hired girl 
 ' again ; ne-ver, 
 man, add rnak* 
 house should 
 of excitement 
 nent, and indi- 
 lent, as it were. 
 10U.S and happy 
 e arqnaintauce 
 mansion, con- 
 a jiroteetor ffir 
 •arry my plan* 
 'n viol ion that 
 table Jiouse to 
 
 ic matron, and 
 t her cheek'to 
 ling his throat 
 'ent his voio* 
 perture which 
 
 A^ MODERN GOBLIN. 
 
 78 
 
 has been previously referred to, said, in a < 
 loader voice : | 
 
 " Yuu will pardon the abrnptiicas of my ! 
 speech, my <lear madam, but I deem it my j 
 duty to inform you that it is my firm belief | 
 this part of the town is haunted. Yes, Ma'am, i 
 haunted. I shouldn't In; surprise*!, indeed, 
 if there was a ^^liost somewhere in this house ! 
 this very miimte. In fii<t 1 have every 
 reason for beliaviuy " , 
 
 Tims far ids auditor had preserved such a ! 
 respectful wileiice that the speaker believed j 
 she was listening,' with rapt attention, and Tie I 
 fondly hojjod that he ha,d at last found a | 
 friendly, appreciative <;ossii> who woidd not i 
 interrnot his remarks with ill-timeil applause ] 
 before he was half through. Looking iit her ; 
 face, however, at this moment, the expression I 
 of her court tenance was such as chilled him I 
 with disappointment. She was not splitting 
 the night air with blood-curdling, discoidant 
 shrieks, it is true, but it evidently wasn't 
 her fault. Her eyes had left their sockets 
 and were standing out on her cheek-bones 
 with nothing particular to do except to stare 
 at each other across the top of her nose, each 
 with an exinession of blank .unazement at 
 seeing the other there. Her mouth was al- 
 ternately elosiug with sudden jerks and 
 dis'endin'^ with spasmodic gasps ; noiseless, 
 but all the more provoking on that very 
 account. She a]>pcared to be making strenu- 
 ous efforts to rise, but as every attempt to 
 assume an erect posture brought her closer 
 to the ghost, she sank back helplessly in her 
 chair after every effort, and resumed her 
 dreadful staring and noiseless gasping. 
 
 "You had better scream, madame," said 
 the disyiistfd ghost. " Pray, <lo not restrain 
 yourself on my account. It is really painful 
 for me to witness your suffering. If my 
 presence here is distasteful to you, pray have 
 the goodness to intimate the fact in the 
 abrupt and startling manner so much nfi'eeted 
 by this family. You \f&d better express your 
 emotions, if you have any. If you have 
 through any little passing thrill of excite- 
 ment, temporarily lost the use of your voice, 
 and find .«ome difficulty in recovering it, 
 perha]ia 1 can assist you." 
 
 With a horrible leer he withdrew the 
 drapery trom his neck, and leaning back his 
 head disclosed the gaping incision in bis 
 respiratory and swal'owing apparatus which 
 had oonipolled him to go into the ghost busi- 
 nesd. As le had shrewdly conjectured, that 
 startling display developed the tuli action of 
 the old lady s dormant vocal pow ers, and. for 
 the next live minutes. Bedlam was a 
 quiet, seijuesteied cloister in compari- 
 son with that house. For an instant 
 the author of all the uproar paused to 
 smile at the vociferous woman screaming 
 
 till the chandelier ticmbled, and pounding 
 a vigorous tattoo on the floor with her aged 
 heels, and then he left the house, merely 
 stopping as he went to look in on the kit* * 
 (■hen, and by one j'euial wink at tlie servants 
 establish a first-class opera chorus in that 
 department of the household. 
 
 He then passed out into the chill air, .luJ 
 gliding slowly along the gravel Widk, paused 
 to ciintemplate the ruins of tlie front irate 
 and speculate on the whereabouts of the 
 l:aiidsonie youth who had so lately enacted 
 the part of a modern Samson, and had torn 
 ilown the gates to (taza little on tlie hived face 
 which parental tyranny would thereafter 
 conceal from his ardent gaze forever. 
 
 "It is ever thus," moralized the ghost ; 
 "at once the mightiest and the weakest 
 being in created life, (iod's no'de.'-t work is 
 the toy of bo.liless phantoms. We tear down 
 and we build up: we purpose and we pre- 
 vent; we do and we undo; we ovet come every 
 real difficulty, and surmount every actual 
 obstacle, a (1 at Ixst, when onr ol.ject is all 
 but accomplished- lo. a shadow f< riities us, 
 and the courage and labour of an hour, a 
 year, or a lifetime, :i.i-e aWept into ruins. 
 At least, /'•' used to do tbu.-<. I have left 
 the tirin, but tlm surviving paitnt is carry on 
 I the busine:-s of liic in pretty miich the same 
 i old style. The world invents a great deal, 
 i but it doesn't improve very much. It is the 
 I same old world after all. It has the loco- 
 ; motive and the telegraph, true; but the men 
 i who invented the locomotive and the tele- 
 j grafih loved, feared, hoped and lived pretty 
 I much as Oa^sar's courtiers ami Dfdot sailors 
 I used to. Meu declaim against the remotest 
 ' possibility of the spirits of the dead revisit- 
 ' ing the glimpses of the moon, and yet my 
 ' presence affects in the "ame un])Ieasant and 
 turbulent manner alike the most sceptical 
 and the nutst credulous and superstitious. 
 1 believe, siieakiiig of spirits, I will go down 
 town to a certiiin house I wot o», where 
 I parties ot my friends, the. Spiritualiits, hold 
 frequent seances, at which they co i verse 
 I familiarly, though ungraniniaticall.v. with the 
 ' spirits of their own deceased friends, and of 
 the illustrious (\cA\i\. They will be triad to 
 .see me, J know, beciuse 1 am intimately 
 acijuainted with some of the part is whom 
 they occasionally si'minon bs'^k to i artii, and 
 they will be glad, too, becau.*e I cm eoirect 
 sonic of the erroneous iifeas thiy entertain 
 in regard to the |iri:sent condition of some 
 of these spirits wli>> are con.stiuitly writina 
 \ back, in such eNcciaide Kiiglisli as would 
 make a cultured, intelligent glio.st blush, 
 how happy they are, .ind h«iw glad they are 
 that they died, and how much they know. 
 I «m as contented a ghost as one can find 
 under the republic, and I never was glad 
 
A MODERN OOBLtN. 
 
 Hbtit T »lic(l, and I nerer write to niiy of my 
 relativuH, and m-ver viait any of them,' ex- 
 cept," he a<lded thoughtfully, "my dear 
 haunt." Aud he chnckled grimly over his 
 ghastly little joke. 
 
 lu another moment he was seated com- 
 fortably beneath a table which vr&s sur- 
 rounded by a party of seekers after truth, 
 who were patiently sittint; up for the latest 
 returns from the spirit world. The ghost 
 was much touched by the anxiety displayed 
 by a youn<4 man in very long hair and green 
 sptctacles to hear from his departed uncle. 
 The spirit miuls were snowed in, or inter- 
 cepted by guerrillas, or held for postage, or 
 suffering from some other cause ot detention 
 that Oiiristmas Eve ; for it seemed as though 
 the ycmnt; man never would receis'e so much 
 as a postal card from his deceased relative. 
 The ghost pitied him, and ju.st as 
 the meilium, a beautiful young girl of 
 forty nine summers, was passing into another 
 trance, he crawled out from under the table 
 »n<l bowed pleasantly to the anxious in- 
 quirer. 
 
 " I think I can allay any anxiety you may 
 feel on account* of the departure of your 
 a/uiicuhir relative," he said ; "I have inet 
 him !-everal times, and, although the peculiar 
 an<i prt^ssing nature of his engagenitnts elsti- 
 whete prevtfuted his attending in person so- 
 cial assemblies on this side of the ground, he 
 is-r— " 
 
 He ceased speaking at this point, for his 
 voice had long been drowned in the uproar 
 of shrieks, and breaking furniture, and 
 crashing glass, as the seance broke up alone 
 with tile tiibltts and chairs, and the anxious 
 searchers after truth emerged into the night 
 with window sashes hanging round their 
 necks. Foreseeing that there would be 
 trouble if he ilid not emigrate in order to per- 
 mit the wanderers to return and resurrect 
 the overturned stove, the messenner from 
 the rpidm of shadows departed and once 
 more resumed his station on the hill. And 
 agam he whistled " Down Among the Dead 
 Men" through his teeth, while he smiled 
 pensively and communed with his own plea- 
 sant thou^(hts. 
 
 *• It s just as I said," he mused ; " had I 
 beeji that young man's uncle, whom he so 
 earnestly desired to see, his terror would 
 have been just as great. They rap and call 
 for us, thay implore us to come, ajid when 
 we come they go. And they go very ab- 
 ruptly. Some of those people to night got 
 out of that room by edging through fissures 
 that Mould squeeze the very breath out of 
 the I ■tuHist gliost I ever saw. Believer or 
 sceptic, it makes no difference. Saul was 
 not iMore terrified at Samuel's ghost, which 
 he was so anxious to see, than was th«i witch 
 
 who accidentally raised the apparition. But 
 these broken, interrupted intei views with 
 terrified mortals are growing monotonous. I 
 will stay out all night, because it is Christ- 
 ma<) Eve and my night out, but 1 will spend 
 the remaining hours in meditation, and let 
 the wicked old world sleep in peace, jnless, 
 mayhap, some belated wafarer should stray 
 this way, when I will revenge myself upon 
 him for the shabby treatment I have received 
 at mortal hands to-night. I will frighten 
 him so th,^.the will not be through screaming 
 when I come here again next Christmas Eve. 
 I have tried to be agreeable to cveryliody to- 
 night, but everybody has refused to be soci- 
 aVde, and has repulsed my couiteous advan- 
 ces with the most hideous shrieks and up- 
 roar. And to the next hapless moital wno 
 shall cross my haunt I will be terrible." 
 
 He ceased speaking, and knotted his face 
 with a series of horrible contortions and hi- 
 deous grimaces, which he practised until he 
 acquired one which appeared to satisfy his 
 fastidious taste. This one he exercised se- 
 veral times in ordei to fix it Hrmly in his me- 
 mory, and then, folding his arms, he leaned 
 against the railing j<nd gloomily waited for a 
 eu'jtomer, as ill-natured and unhappy a ghost 
 as couM be found in all the haunts of men or 
 spectres. 
 
 Hifighostship did not have long to wait 
 for a^ubject, standinc; there in the gloomy 
 street, with the cold, flittering stars occas- 
 ionally peeping timidly through the rifted 
 clouds sailing overhead. Before long a heavy 
 fo(rtfall was heard use .tnding the lower part 
 of the hill, and then, ;vs it came nearer, the 
 dismal one could hear the frosty earth creak- 
 ing under the passenjror's feet at every step 
 he took. A voice, v.hich was marked by 
 that peculiar intonation which we so fre- 
 quently notice in clos<! proximity to a a pick 
 or a hod, uttered, in sentences so 
 profusely vaccinated with trilled r's 
 that it sounded liko a high school 
 commencement, a wrathful objurgation 
 upon the wind, as the winter zc(^!iyr well 
 nigh lifted the speaker from his fett. 
 
 " Growl about that, will you? " muttered 
 the ghost, with savage gleef'ulnuss, "I'll 
 make you wish the wind had blown you into 
 the moon before you get to the top of the 
 hill. I wish he would walk more slowly," 
 the spectre went on, rubbing his fleshless 
 hands in delighted anticipation ; "1 should 
 like to have a few moments' quiet enjoyment 
 in contemplating the possible and probable 
 actions of the woi-st frightened man in Amer- 
 ica. I have been accused of frightening peo- 
 ple before now, but these vile slanders against 
 my considerate and pacific disposition and 
 my reassuriiig physiognomy will all be re- 
 tracted and atoned for after to-night. After 
 
 \ 
 
ritioD. Bat 
 views with 
 lotonous. I 
 i ia Chriat- 
 will opend 
 on, anii let 
 eacG, jnleSB, 
 hould stray 
 nysfclf upon 
 ive received 
 vill frighten 
 h ucrcamiug 
 istmas Eve. 
 eryliody to- 
 i to be sooi- 
 eous advac- 
 is and up- 
 noital who 
 irrible." 
 ted his face 
 0113 and hi- 
 >bd until he 
 satisfy his 
 xercised se- 
 y in his me- 
 he leaned 
 waited for* 
 I'Py a ghost 
 ts of men or 
 
 ong to wait 
 the gloomy 
 stars occas- 
 
 the rifted 
 ong a heavy 
 
 lower part 
 nearer, the 
 larth creak- 
 every step 
 marked by 
 we so fre- 
 to a a pick 
 tences so 
 nlled r's 
 ;h school 
 )hjurgation 
 \>UyT well 
 tt. 
 
 muttered 
 ic-as, "I'U 
 II you into 
 op uf the 
 3 slowly," 
 s flesh less 
 "I should 
 mjoyment 
 
 probable 
 
 in Anier- 
 sning pee- 
 rs against 
 ition and 
 .11 be r«* 
 t. After 
 
 -,) 
 
 A MODERN GOBLIN. 
 
 If 
 
 this man's evidence no man, uo living mortal 
 will dare stand up and say that any one was) 
 ever frightened to this date. Why, there 
 won't be as much hair left on this individ- 
 ual's head, in about three minutes, as would 
 nake me a switch. All the doctors in 
 America won't 1)e able to get his eyes back 
 into their pr«»per places. He will howl and 
 yell and shriek and pra^ to the day of his 
 death. Scared ? It isn't the word. It's 
 too weak. Whistle will you ? " he continued, 
 apostrophizing the approaching figure, " I'll 
 make you wish you had a French horn fifteen 
 feet long, with all the keys opened and the 
 mouth-piece cracked, to express your feelings 
 through. Why," he said, arranging his robe 
 and twisting his face into such a blood curd- 
 ling awful contortion that it raised a blister 
 on the frozen ground and the very wind 
 turned and blew up the hill for dear life ; 
 " why, my unsuspicious repulilicaa, you'll be 
 the worst demoralized community in about 
 tifteen seconds that ever disturbed the holy 
 quiet of midnight." 
 
 Stretching out his gaunt arm in a weird, 
 ghostly ghesture, the white drapery falling 
 away from it in conventional folds, the spec- 
 tre stepped out to the middle of the side- 
 walk to confront the coming man. Aman of 
 medium size, the new-comer, with bluff, 
 square shoulders, twinkling eyes, a nose that 
 had been made a remnant so that the untin- 
 ished end retreated towards the eyes, a 
 mouth puckered up in a melodious whistle, 
 the head covered with an abundance of close- 
 ly-ont hair of the shade of St. Louis pressed 
 brick ; a ragged coat was buttoned close and 
 the wearer carried under his arm a walking- 
 stick of most Iwnevolent aspect, the bulge 
 on the end of wnich reminded one of an in- 
 vitation to join an innumernbie caravan. 
 tfis whistle ceased as the ghost loomed up 
 before him, not suddenly cutting oft" his tune 
 in the middle of the note, but in along-drawn 
 diminuendo passage, commonly expressive of 
 inexpressible Hstonishment. 
 
 The ghost slowly and impressively waved 
 his extended arm in the direction of the 
 gloomy ravine. The mortal shuffle.! uneasily 
 toward the middle of the street in an effort 
 to get round the unpleasant obstruction. The 
 spectre noiselessly glided before him and 
 still confronted him with outstretched arm 
 and hideous oountenanre, and both figures 
 reganled each other in silence. The mortal 
 was the first to open the conversation, who 
 after muttering under his breath, "The 
 saints betune us and har-rum, an' phwat is 
 he makin' thim faces at me for ?" remarked 
 in a brisk tone : 
 
 " Cool aveiiin* ! " 
 
 Motioidcss as a statue, the ghastly Hgiirc 
 
 glowered upon him in its frozen attitude and 
 tierrifying gesture. 
 
 "Is it Tim Moriarity, as died the year be- 
 fore I kim' over, I don't know ?" 
 
 No reply and no change of posture on the 
 part of the ppectre. 
 
 "Is it theFeenicks boys ye are thin, as 
 kilt aich other the night ov the ball at the 
 creek three years ago come next Sept(!mber 
 an' jist two months lackin' six weeks after 
 O'Flaherty's sisther dhrove the cow off the 
 waggon bridge?" 
 
 Still the spectre maintained its silence and 
 its position. 
 
 " Ye've a mighty familiar countenince, 
 onyhow," continued the mortal, who kept up 
 his cautious manouuvering for the weather 
 gauge, in which he was steadily bs filed by 
 the ghost. " It seems to me I ve keen the 
 face av yez somewhare on a tombstone. Yer 
 not livin' fur around here, mebbe ?" 
 
 In hollow tones the ghost replied, "I am 
 dead." 
 
 "Did, is it? Oh, the saints rist yer rist- 
 less sowl. An' phwat are ye doin' out here ? 
 Whaire do ye live — I mane, whaire are ye 
 buried?" 
 
 " At the top of this hill," came in the same 
 hollow tones. 
 
 "An' a mighty agreeable place that same 
 is, to be sure," replied the mortal, in a con- 
 ciliatory intonation, "shlapin' undher the 
 grass wid the cows and pigs browsiu' and 
 rootin' around all day long an' kapen' ye 
 company nights. Born divil that ye air," 
 he added, in a lower tone, "I wisht wan or 
 the other of us wur thayre now, fur it's a 
 onpleasant company ye air, anyhow. Well," 
 he added, aloud and with great cheer- 
 fulness, " good night till ye. Be good to y(-r- 
 self." 
 
 "Stay," uttered the terrible monotone; 
 " come thou with me." 
 
 "Oh-h, the dev — I beg yer par-r-don. I 
 mane I can't think of it. Luk at the time 
 it is, an' see the murdherin' cowM I have in 
 me head already, along uv bein' out till mid- 
 night. The wife and childher '11 be 
 did intirely wid sittin' up fur me, 
 
 an' " 
 
 " Follow me !" said the hollow tones of the 
 ghost. 
 
 " Oh-h, tundher an' turf — I mane— I beg 
 yer par-r-don, don't shpake of it ; it's a 
 married nian I am. I can't sthay ; besides, 
 there's no use — ivery place in town is shut 
 up, and sorra the wan ov ine dhnnks av they 
 wasn't. I wouldn t taste a dhrop av I lived 
 in lashins ov it ; I'm a whole Fatner Mathew 
 society by myself." 
 
 " Come ! Come ! ! Come ! ! !" The sepul- 
 chral tones boomed out like a bass drum 
 solo. 
 
7« 
 
 A MODERN GOBlIN. 
 
 ;i 
 
 ki 
 
 "Aw-w-w ! Millia murther! Go aisy ! 
 now ! Phwat du ye mane, divilin' the tin ; 
 linses out of me to come, whin ye sec T want 
 touiiV By the mortial gob," he added, 
 uiitTer iiis l)reath, ''av I thoueht I cud find 
 an> thill;,' ill y«r head to feel it, avick, I'd 
 make ye raisoiiahle wid a welt ov this \ 
 splinther av a sthiok. ^^ liist ! yn hlooily 
 miiide'l villiii !" he roared, with sjiddenly in- 
 crea-^ii'L,' r.mraijf', as some wakeful Brahma in i 
 a nt igli'Hiuriiig oooji startled the night with a j 
 Bteiitori.in orow, which was slirilly echoed by 
 a baiitairj and a dozen or more ol'scnre roost- 
 ers of no oarticular strain, like the birds that 
 crow at election times, " Do ye hear that? 
 An' that ? An' that agin ? An' the wan 
 aftht^r tliat ? Scat! ye bloody minded 
 Banshee, or we'll crow the rags aff o' yer beg- 
 garly l)ack !" 
 
 The ghost gave a hollow langh, that 
 soundoil like water pouring out of a 
 
 "Vou may crow," he said, more in his 
 easy converbational style and tone than he 
 liadb< ! using, "till you split your throats; 
 tbi* is ati •inniv'rs.ary night with me, and I 
 Woii't ^t) liome till morning.'' 
 
 Hia uneasy companion's face fell at this 
 anno uKi. inent, and he looked like a man who 
 felt that h^- had prematurely committed him- 
 self. But he rallied again. 
 
 "A anniver 'iry, is it? Do ye have it 
 often?" 
 
 " About rtm .1 j> ar. " 
 
 "Is that all?"' An' just think ov yer 
 makiu' so m-ich fuss .about that ! Kape on 
 yer hat, or what iv< r ye call it, or yel" have 
 a cowld iu the head. Good evenin'. a^in. " 
 
 The ghost mildly protested against his 
 haste. It was Christmas Kve, he said, a 
 season devoted to ao.'iability andgooil fellow 
 ship 
 
 "An' a fom eidee ye have of bein' sociable, 
 to<)," interrupted his auditor ; "Christmas is 
 a nice enough saison, but a frayi- in' hillside 
 at mid.'iiL'ht, wid the wind blowin' jimmycane 
 an' the thermometer twinty-sivin degrays 
 fcrniiist Cairo, isn't the way I'm thii.kin' to' 
 be socia'ole about it, jist." ! 
 
 "I am delighted to have met vou under' 
 
 smh " 
 
 , "Faix. thin, thayre's only wan of us that s 
 feeling "o delighted about it." 
 
 " Favourable and pleasantcircumstan- ! 
 CCS. I ^<hciuld never have f«)rgiven myseif I 
 had I permitted you to pass by without! 
 sjteakiii!,'. I must msiat " 
 
 "Bi^u'nrra, thin, it's too har-r-d ye wad be 
 on ycrsi'r intirol\ . It's me that wad give 
 me.-JiU" .il'S(iinti<in tin- a week if I had gone 
 aroun-l the othi i way an' never heard ov ye 
 in me life." 
 
 • • On yonr further acquaintance." 
 
 ••Thrue for yon, avick, an' the furdther 
 it in the betther it wnd shait me. An' the 
 (juicker we star-r-t, don't ye see, the fnrd- 
 ther we cnn make it before momin'. I know 
 Til think hetther ov ye nhin I can't see ye. 
 (tofxt aveiiin'. 
 
 "Stav." ?aid the sj)ectre, detaining him 
 as he sought to hurry by, "I have to tell 
 you, and that to show yon to-niglit, which 
 will make ycm a rich man. and send me back 
 to my narrow resting nlacc " 
 
 " Oh h-h ! liear 'imtalk about it ! " 
 
 «• Never leave it again until the last 
 
 dread trump shall summon me." 
 
 " Don't mintion it, don't; don't shpake ov 
 it all. at all." 
 
 *• My tale is brief and sad." 
 
 " An' ye have n tail, thin? '' 
 
 "Listen!" 
 
 "Shpake!" 
 
 "In early life- —" 
 
 "Phwat'sthat?" 
 
 *• I plowed the racing main." 
 
 " An' was ye a Granger, thin ? " 
 
 '* Nny, I was a pir'>.te ! " 
 
 " Same thing ; kape on ; it's frazin 1 am." 
 
 " T steepeil my wi.'ked hands in human 
 gor- tor many years. When my atrocious 
 crimes} had amassed me a princely fortune, I 
 repented me of my evil ways." 
 
 " Muslia thin, it wnr you fur knowin' 
 whin to repint. " 
 
 " 1 bade . i to my evil companions, and 
 taking my — " 
 
 " Ah, did ., t^ opgh ? An' it was a cau- 
 tiousoulil refon t -'e was, all the same." 
 
 " of our Ux-gocten spoils; I fled west 
 
 far to the inland — pursued by the stinjn 
 ot an avenging conscience and a sherifrs 
 posse. " 
 
 " It was thim as stirreif up your con> 
 shince." 
 
 " I reached this city in safety and hid my 
 gold, stained with human lives, in yonder 
 deep ravine. Oft as 1 needed money. I came 
 here by night and got vhat 1 wished." 
 
 • " ( 'an ye get any ov it now, do ye think ?' 
 
 "One winter night— a cold, bleak Christ- 
 inas Kve — returning from snch a visit to my 
 hoard, I was waylaid by two men, who sus- 
 pecte(l my .secret, on this very spot " 
 
 •' (Jood avenin' !"' 
 
 "Stay yet one moment. They seized me, 
 hulled me to the ground " 
 
 "Here?" 
 
 " On this very spot where we now stand. 
 They " 
 
 " Let's walk furdther down the hill." 
 
 " Listen. They hurled me to the ground, 
 and, as I struggled for my gold, they — slew 
 me!" 
 
 "Phwat!" 
 
 "They cut my throAt from ear to ear !" 
 
A MODERN OOBLIN. 
 
 the furdther 
 ne. An' th« 
 'e, the ford- 
 in'. I knovrj 
 
 can't se« ye. I 
 
 etaiiiing hun 
 have to tell 
 'igltt, which 
 fend me back 
 
 It it!" 
 
 intil the Uwtl 
 
 t shpake ot 
 
 II n. 
 
 frazin I am. ' 
 -1» in human 
 my atrociona 
 3ly fortune, I 
 
 fur knowin' 
 
 panions, and 
 
 it was a cau- 
 he same." 
 ; I fled west 
 >y the stiiiffB 
 1 a 8heri#8 
 
 p your con- 
 
 and hid mj 
 I, in yonder 
 fjney. I came 
 shed." 
 >ye think? ' 
 )lcak Chri«t- 
 
 visit to my 
 !'n, who sn«- 
 )Ot " 
 
 f aeized n»e, 
 
 now stand. 
 
 e hill." 
 the ground, 
 they— slew 
 
 to ear 
 
 "M-i-M-i-a m-u-r-d-t-h-e-r ! An' did it 
 hurt?" 
 
 " It has:;gled some, but—" 
 
 " An' du\ yez niver git over it ?" 
 
 " I died !" 
 
 "Oh-h-h ! Bouen of the martyrs ! GOOD 
 avenin !" 
 
 "Stay a nitjment. 1 " 
 
 "Ah yu$>, shtop a minit. It's yerself is 
 the |>leasaiit man to beshtoppin' \>u\, uu the 
 hillside at midnight. Go oit, tliiii, for it's 
 •tar\iii' wid tiie cold I am." 
 
 " I died wliere 1 fell ; and a coroner u jury, 
 after due (Itliburatiou, returned averdici, on 
 luv lifelesc) remains, that 'the alle>.'eil dei^eas- 
 e<i ( uine to liis pro' able ilea' h in a tit of tem- 
 porary iiiauiti'in, induced by the administer- 
 iu>/ of uantotic drug or drvi^a, by Honie visi- 
 tation of i'rovidence to the jury unknown.' 
 
 ■' VVur Lh.vt all, alanna ? 1 thought ye 
 .uiti tliey tut the tliroat ov ye." 
 
 "They diil. But the uitellij^ent citizens 
 who composed the coroner's jury could not 
 see that tli.tt liad anything to do witii it. 
 Since that time, once a year, on every anni- 
 versary of my untimely death, lam forced to 
 leave my ^'rave " 
 
 " Oh, niorLial man ! don't shpake ov ii at 
 all, an' us out here in the dark an' coul i,and 
 niver a dhrop ov anythin;^ to rise tlie cockles 
 ov me heart wid nearer tiian town, liui 
 kape on. " 
 
 '* and haunt this hill. My spirit can- 
 
 uot rest in peace uatil the inomy which I 
 left conctalud trom human ^azc sli.ill be given 
 into hands tit to be entrusteil with wealtii." 
 
 "All" is that all, acushla ? (Jo I'ack to 
 yer «ltn, and dhraw yer stool to tiie fire, an" 
 be comfoit.dile. t^how me wharc to dig ji^t, 
 and sorrow light, upon int- av y( il ever iiavr 
 anymore nade to wake up an' worry about 
 another cint as long as ye live— 1 iiiune, as 
 lon§ as ye don't liv»'. \\ hare's yer bank ? 
 J)ivil l>e in inu Itut thare'll be such a run on 
 it in about tt-n minitH they'll think theie's an 
 ould-t'asliiont d Auiericm iiauio broke lousuin 
 gtioutlaiiil, tor a truth. Uaii't shlapc because 
 ye can't givt yei money away ! iMushfi.thiii, 
 it's ineself can't shlajie often enough betause 
 1 haven't ony to give away, or to Uaie, 
 aytlicr. Slmw me yer threasury, avic ; I'm 
 yer oystlur. " 
 
 " Years ago I might have given it away, 
 had men luit known my secret. But the 
 spell laid m|om mc " 
 
 "A spell ov what?" 
 
 " forbade mo to reveal my liidilen 
 
 wealth until 1 should meet a man going home 
 sober, on C'hriHtuias Eve, w)io would not be 
 afraid of me. The condition was u liard one, 
 for although in my ani.ual hauntingu I have 
 met many men plodding up this hill too 
 drank to be frightened, you are the first 
 
 sober man I have met on Cbristraas Eve since 
 the city was an Indian trading post. " 
 
 "Ah well then, it's small blame to them, 
 for its gettin' really to shwear oti'New Year's 
 day they are, the whole jing-banj^ of tliim. 
 Troth, they do that every year. 
 
 •* You did not manifest any fear at my 
 sudden appearance. You were not, ap- 
 parently, afraiil of me ; you- — " 
 
 ".t\'.raid. is it?" 
 
 " 1 merely remarked that you were not 
 afraid of me " 
 
 "Is it me?" 
 
 "I said, my quick-tempered frieud, that 
 
 "Is it you?" 
 
 "Calm yourself, my bellicose mortal, I 
 simply " 
 
 '• Listen to 'im I Hear 'im talk about ony 
 body l)ein' ashkared ov an ouhl l)ag >' l)ones 
 sthaii'iin' in tiie dark makin' faces ! Why, 
 ye coiisaited old skeleton, is it comin' to 
 Anicriky to be shkared wid ycu I'd he, whin 
 we had a ghosht ov our own in the Oiild Sod 
 for more n twinty \<,irs? A ghosht that 
 wur wortli ein' shkared ov, too." 
 
 " You surprise me," said the ghost. " Are 
 you (|uite certain that your own lainily was 
 favoured with tiie pennanent soeiety of a 
 gho.st? You will p;'.rd(ii me foi in iinating 
 tirtt your .•'ppearanec Miid dress do not iudi- 
 eate a .station in life that calls forMhfl a con- 
 dition ot things. For I am docideiliy under 
 the impresiiioii that we are peim.'ttd to 
 haunt only a i istocratic families, wle> iidiabit 
 large rambling houses, with long ;.looniy 
 coriidois and luaguihcent bay wiiidowh and 
 lofty mansard roofs and heavy inoir'a-es; 
 (ull of <:ark •orners and convenient hiuing 
 places tor ghosts, and frequently so unconi- 
 tortable and dreary, especially on the occasion 
 of a poor relation's visit, that no one but a 
 ghost can ei joy living ii. them. 1 oiict ki.ew 
 a most respcctaide ghost, a ^poetic of a most 
 extia'irdinaiy rugged constitiuuii, who 
 haunied one of tlioe houses, and went to 
 sleep in tlit spare room one iii^dit and wa.s so 
 laid up with the rheuina' ism that he was 
 unable to get out of his gra\e " 
 
 *' '1 tie saints betune us ! I^oii't mention 
 It!" 
 
 " for nearly six weeks. I took his 
 
 place at the maiiHion during his indisiioMtion. 
 A dreary, frosty place enough, tilted up 
 I elegantly with a thousand dollar )iiano, a 
 I cohtly mechanu s lien, r>ruM.sel.-* caipet."*, a 
 cha»^tel mortgage or two, French plaie win- 
 dows, a tax title, and a few similar < xpeiKsive 
 luxuries. I did not wish to be laid up with 
 the rheumatism, so I took preventives instead 
 of cures. From being frosty and chilly, I 
 made that house the warmest place this side 
 of " 
 
A MODERN OOBUN. 
 
 " Don't say it, alann» ! Skip that ! " 
 
 " the eiinator," pursaed the gliost, 
 
 quietly. " Tt soon became the most hospit- 
 able maDsiou on the street. It was full of 
 company all the time, and poor relations 
 camu ami got 8(|uare meals and slept in the 
 begt beils atnl were made welcome. You can- 
 not itnaj,'ine how I softened that old fellow's 
 proii<l heart. .\nd you must excuse nie if I 
 say tliat yon do not appear to belong to that 
 favoured class which is honoured with here- 
 ditary ghosts. A ghost, my uusophisiticated 
 friend, is mi expensive luxuiy. " 
 
 " Thrue for you, it is, thin. The wan we 
 had was the most expinsive thing we wur 
 ever t. troubled wid. He kim till the house 
 in nic father's time an' I dunuo how long 
 befoar." 
 
 " Did he look like me?" 
 
 " Sorra the wan ov him. He'd ate a rigi- 
 mint ov ypz in a minit. Shondhers like a 
 sailor au' a head net on 'im like a bull dog's. 
 He wur a i,'hoHht now that cud talk to ye 
 about bcin' ashkared ov him." 
 
 " Does he ever annoy — that is, entertain 
 you now t " 
 
 " Faix, thin he doesn't. It isn't hore he 
 cud live at all, at all. It wur in the onld 
 countliry he did be vexin' us an' tfisin' the 
 life out ov us from mornin' till night." 
 
 " Why, did he appear in the daytime, 
 then?"^ 
 
 "It wur grace lur his bones that he did. 
 Be the holy poker, alauna, it wur waitiu' fur 
 him ill the dark twiiity times a ino.ntli we 
 was. Catch an Irish ghosht comin' in the 
 dark. He knowed whin to come." 
 
 " Did you ever try to lay the ghost ?" 
 
 " \Vau3t. The byes laid him with a black- 
 thorn s*^ick, ;in' Horra the wan of him 
 throuUled us agin fur six week.s afther.'' ( 
 
 " 1 don't understand. Whv did he haunt 
 
 you 
 
 ? What was ' 
 
 •• Wiiy did he? For the rint. av i>"orse. 
 It was the thavin' ould lamllord. bloody 
 end to him. Talk about ghosts ! The oubl 
 boddcii/h Sfisfi'iKi'/fi gev us more throui)le in 
 wan ilay than the whole jing-bansf ov autih 
 thiu legi^ed spooks as yerseU" cud make us in 
 a week. Thare was wan time the ould 
 swaddlcr kim down to Muldoonery's shebeen 
 — ye knew the Muldoonerys ?" 
 
 " The name is familiar, but I can not 
 saj' that I liver had the homiur of the family's 
 acquaintance." 
 
 "The betther for you thin, for ye died 
 wid a wlude head " 
 
 " But my neck was spoiled." 
 
 "Oh-h, by tliis an' by that, listen to him ! 
 Don't .sphake ov it. The Muldoonerys was 
 me father's own family. O^M Malachi 
 Muldoonery, wan of the Killalali'dis, tliim 
 as was own cousins to the O'Slaughtory'a of 
 
 Killgobbin — ah, thim was the high-toned 
 wans fur ve; when it come to ouldlamUies, 
 they lifted the pins, jist. They had a ghosht 
 ov thare own, a rale wan, sphooky enough 
 to frighten a horse from his oats, thar wore a 
 long nightshirt like yer own, an' carried his 
 head undher his arm. Oh, Gog's blakey, but 
 he wur the boss ghosht. He wur beheaded 
 fur headiu' a rebellyun three bundhred years 
 ago. Ah, tare-an-onns, the tussle me own 
 uncle, who was an O'Slanghtery, had wid 
 this same gho.4ht wanst. We heard the 
 a()hook thramplin' up an' down the hall, fnr 
 he always wore a shurt of armour undher 
 his white dhress, an' me uucle got up an* 
 wint oat, an' peerin' down the dark hall, 
 sees him. 
 
 " ' Arrah !' sez me uncle. 
 
 "Sorra the word se? the ghosht. 
 
 " ' Are ye thare ?' sez me uncle. 
 
 "The ghosht stoppeil walkin' and screwed 
 on his head like the head ov a cane. 
 
 " ' An' phawt av 1 am ?' sez he. 
 I "'Come out o' that, thin, ye bladdher- 
 I hang,' sez me umde. 
 i " ' I won't, thin,' sez the ghosht. 
 
 " ' Ye'd betther,' sez mc uncle. 
 , " ' I hadn't tliii.,' s«/ the ghosht. 
 
 " ' Do ye know what this is, ye omadhawn?' 
 ' se/ me uncle, balancin' his blackthorn. 
 I " ' None o' yer chaff, acz the ghosht. 
 
 "'I won't lave u whole bone in yor 
 carkidge,' sez he. 
 
 "' Phwat!' sez the ghosht. 
 
 " ' I wont !' sez he. 
 i " ' Yer a liar !' sez he. 
 1 " Is it me ?' says he. 
 
 " ' Show me yer head I' sez he. 
 
 " ' Whoop !' snz he. 
 
 " ' Hurroo !' sez he. 
 
 " Whack 1 wint the black- thorn, and wid 
 that the whole house was roused wid a 
 boUerin' an'roarin' that wud shame the bulls 
 ov Bashan. It was me uucle, an' they found 
 him out dures tied to the gate posiit wid a 
 bed-conl half a mile long and knotted up 
 that way that it tuk tliiin till after daylight 
 to ontie him, for sorra the khot cud they 
 cut. Oh, heavy heart go wid the ghosht 
 that tied him out in the cowld that a- way. 
 An' after they got him untied he died." 
 
 " Immediately?' asked the speutrc. 
 
 " Och, the divil, no; about twenty-siviu 
 years afther. But this isn't tellin' me about 
 the famous baul< ov your.s?" 
 
 " True." said the spector, " we are losing 
 time. To you, who have kept .sober (Jhrist- 
 mas Eve, and have scorned to desecrate the 
 sacred memories of the seas*) " 
 
 " Tower ov ivory !" whispered the exile of 
 Killatalick, " av that isn't pnrty good for an 
 oM cut-throat ov a pirate !" 
 
hieh-toned 
 
 ulrl families, 
 hail A ghosht 
 ooky enough 
 
 tbat wore a 
 i' carried his 
 
 blakoy, hut 
 ur beheaded 
 idhred year* 
 sle me own 
 rv, had wid 
 heard the 
 the hall, far 
 our undher 
 
 ffot up an' 
 ) dark hall, 
 
 md screwed 
 ie. 
 
 'e bladdher- 
 
 It. 
 
 ht. 
 
 )miidhawn?' 
 
 lorii. 
 
 Iiosht. 
 
 >ne in yor 
 
 MIDDtSRIB'* PIC'NIO. 
 
 19 
 
 1, and wid 
 <ed wid a 
 10 thti bnlls 
 thu-y found 
 >aiit wid a 
 LUiitted up 
 &r daylight 
 eiul they 
 lie ghosht 
 lilt a- way. 
 ied." 
 tro. 
 
 eiity-siviii 
 Mie Jibuut 
 
 are losing 
 
 er (Jliriat- 
 !i!rate the 
 
 IB exile of 
 >od for an 
 
 " ftnd have shown the integrity of 
 
 your moral being " 
 
 "An phwat'a thim, I wondher?" 
 
 '• in that you feel no fear of visitants 
 
 from the s»)irit world, t4» you I commit g<U«i 
 won by dislioneiit mojUiH, but which at laut 
 reaches honest htuids that will devote it to 
 worthy puriioses. Coinu M'ith rae and do aa 
 Jtelly.Hi." 
 
 Crossing himself with an energy and 
 rapidity that mdic itud a alight lack of oon- 
 tidence in the moral standing of liis* ^'uide, 
 the descendant of th*' MnldooneryM of Kill- 
 gobbin followed his ghoutiy leader down the 
 hill-side into the hollow and along the course 
 of the bewildered ami frozen brook, until 
 they paused before an irregular wall of rock, 
 long ago cut <lown by tlie action of the 
 water. As they stood before this rude wall, 
 the spectre turned to his companion. 
 
 " If," ho saiil solemnly, "you do not feel 
 •8 though you could maintain the atricteat 
 silence, and not utter a word or an exclama- 
 tion, no matter what wonders you may sea, 
 do not follow me farther. The charni which 
 opens the care of my hidden wealth to your 
 eyes, closes it in destruction on any violation 
 of the spt'll under which I am held. Are 
 you ready ? On your life now, do not utter 
 a sound. " 
 
 The ghost tcntched the rock with hia bony 
 hand. It yawned like a door, and in the 
 cavern behind the gloomy entrance they 
 crept, crouching, along a narrow passage 
 until the roof arched and they stood erect. 
 An open cheat lay at their feet ; flittering 
 jewels sparkled like stars in the ;^loom ; 
 precioua stones in the mysterious coffer 
 gleame«l till their raya pierced the shadowy 
 
 ftall of the cavern with a pale, tremulous 
 ight. At a silent motion from the si)ectre, 
 the mortal, trembling with excitement and 
 eagerness, bent down and seized the chest. 
 Once, twice, thrice, he straineil every 
 muscle, and tugged until it seemed as though 
 his eyes were bursting from their sockets. 
 but the glittering fortune seemed immovable. 
 He set every nerve for one tremendous effort ; 
 he brafoil his feet tirndy, and once more 
 
 f rasped the handles of the coffer. It moves ! 
 'he ransom of an empire ia his ! 
 " S'matter 'ith you fellers ? Hie ? Watchu 
 doin' ? Hey ?" 
 
 The blindiu!,' liglit, and thee leaf (iiioii crash 
 that followed, lasted acarce the duration of 
 the lightiiing'a liush, and all was darkness 
 and silencp. ^viij,|j the gray light of morn- 
 ing quenched the beams of the jialing stars, 
 the exile woke to consciousness to find him- 
 self lying oiitBidc the |}[M<U-bound cavern, 
 with the unbroken rook looming cold and 
 pitilesa beside him, anti hi* dream nt wealth 
 w»flgQne. A f«iu); odvMR.of 9t^f;wbiBk«y 
 
 kined the wintry zephyrn, and a shattertd 
 bottle in the near disttuu^c laj like » 
 mournful memory of hi-i iiappy dreanni. 
 When the unhappy man's .riends discovered 
 him, they took in all lliu condition;! of 
 the chcerlesa bivouac, and when in the 
 co/y surroundings of his licme he tidd hit 
 marvellous narrative, they were sceptijal 
 enough to declare that tiiey believed all the 
 story about the ghost, ami the cavern, and 
 the money chest was >>i\\\ ihc inspiration of 
 that l)ottlo before it w a» broken, and that the 
 exile of Kilboggin "aw (he light and heard 
 the crash when he staggered over the cilge 
 of the wall and broke ins head. Hut lie still 
 believes that if the young fellow who went 
 into camp on the hillside at the opening of 
 this story had not tiuiahed his sleep and 
 broke in upon them in such an untimely 
 manner, he would never again have done a 
 harder da\ 's work than cutting off coupons 
 from governmtait bonds. 
 
 The rest of ua know that this is.true. And 
 if any young man doubta tiie truth of thie 
 veracious chronicle, he c&u easily verity ita 
 statements by keeping sober next Chiiatmas 
 Eve, and patrolling thetpiiet streets until he 
 meets the ghost. And if he doesn't see the 
 spectre, he will at least enjoy the singular 
 sensation of going home sober on ( hiiMtn as 
 Eve, a thing of much greater rarity and won- 
 iler to most of " the boys" than an interview 
 with a .Moneyed Ghost. 
 
 Middlerlb's Picnic. 
 
 "It isn't age that makes people grow old," 
 reinaikedMr. Middlerib to his family as 
 they were gathered at the breakfast table. 
 " It is incessant application ; it is unending, 
 incessant work and worry. The mind, the 
 bo ly, all the faculties, mental and pli> sical, 
 are kept on the alert, withovit rest or reerea- 
 tion, until outraged nature rises in rebellion 
 against the slavey to which it is subjected, 
 and deludel man, with ail the aches and trc« 
 niour of sendity in his young joints, awakes 
 to find that lie hits lived his three score yiars 
 and ten in iialf his allotted number of liaya. " 
 .And, witii this s<age remark, Mr. Middlerib 
 leanetj back in his chair and regarded his fa- 
 mily with the air of a man who has just im- 
 parted a viilume of iaformation that would 
 stagger the average comprehension. 
 
 " Tliat's what ailed these spring cliiekena, 
 I reckon," snggested Master Middlerib, 
 struggling with a wing that wassupp led with 
 the latest improveii tiah-piate joints ; " wore 
 themselves out trying to lay ten years' eggs 
 in five." 
 
 Mr. Middlerib gazed at the boy in a mean- 
 ing manner, and the young gentleman imr 
 mediately elevated one of his elbows until it 
 TTAS w high »A bis head, and hold his guard 
 
WM 
 
 MIIIOLBKIB'M PK' NI<;. 
 
 up whtln lin wurily i-ni(ar<lfi| hi* pnront'n din- 
 *»^^^^^'^ hno'l. Mut, tTii- unuiil ooimotjiKnict^ii 
 dl<l it<il, liil|iiw, ituil Ml, Mi'i(|li-til> iirocoeil- 
 •«l (U» (»riii'iiii)i;4i Mini, ||i< wmilil nhakii 
 off MiM niti'lul nrtn<M nl liii>tiri)!Hi4, ari<l frtm 
 hliitaolf Iroiit Mif «im<iklnii of ciiiriinnrciul nnr- 
 ♦itiiilf. mill <'iij<iy li imiiK; wiMi Imm ritiiiily 
 Aliil It (I'w 1 Ill-Ill fiiiiitiU, ,\iiil iiiiint'ilintclv 
 U|Miii llim. I.Iki finnih IhumiiI tlmir toiiniH-H 
 »ni| 'iilltiol III! tii^ntlii I, itml liM Iniiil nn<l rml 
 AN |Miii«ilil«) |.ir t.wnnly IJVK iriiiiiitim. TIkmi, 
 Ml*. \lli|<l|i<i ill, Miitiliii^; lii'iii^iiiy ii|i(iM Mil' 
 ■antii* iif iili'.iNiii'o wliiili liiN Biiii'iiiiHcini-iit 
 h»il <'riii(t.i'i|, wniih nil t,it liiN iillii!!'. VVIiiMi III! 
 rntiMii'il. \1mm MiiMlnrili liml ii IimI, nnuli' nut 
 
 of l.lir |Mii|il<« t.llnv M'lillltl invil.i'. It •■IllliniOI'il 
 
 iiii<> liiMiilri'il liiiil liftiu'ii iwiuii'N, iiot initliiiling 
 »lt«iiimtim, iiml Mr. iMiil-lli«nli'M jaw fril \\h lir 
 IJti/.i'il iki tJiiK'iitii Infill'. 
 
 " hiujflitiM, ili'di. " III! rimiarUoil, an noun 
 M lii< I'liiiM ritiiiiiiaiiil liJH fi'Mliii^H. "i|ii you 
 tftlif MIK 1,11 (\ilv,i|y MlHHHiii Suniliiy Hfllliol, 
 that yoii lii^vK iiirliiiloil t,li«i i!(UiHiiHof tlio mty 
 in inir |iiimiic f " 
 
 Tlii'ii i'\|>hmiiti(iui» wi'iv ilt'inaiiilcil. ami it 
 »|ipi<ari<il lli.it Ml. Mi.lilliirih'H i.|*<a lia<l Iummi 
 tit tsiliK I ('<Mi|i|ii (»f liij^ wax^jMiH. IiiiiiihIu«.1 
 Witli t«iii|iiirury MoatH, ami liavo .1 i|i> JiIimIIv 
 riMlii', iilil IiiiIiihiumI iMi'iiif. Ill' mi I'Xi'liiHivi'ly 
 fmiiily iiiiiiiii'. Ami Mihh Mnldli'iiK mit 
 
 tioWllllllil lllutliMJ out ailnViMI llllU Iri'.i l!.llllt>'< 
 
 With iv.iVH, alloi' whi.li Mr. \|iil.|liinl> >;,»/c I 
 Ilium till' ii<\ I u'll iiMil riMiin'toil int. ('X|iii i^i'i 
 milium, miil |iriiii.iiiiii'i'il it yno.l. Tlu'ii (lu'\ 
 llin'.l iipoii iliK •iay, wliu'li \\:\H H(<((.!i>(l aitiu 
 lltiii'li w i'aiii{li.i^ ami |mi)IiiiiiiiI lii.si'ii.sNiim. 
 Mr. M. >\i'iit nut aiiil liiiil.Kil nt tlio Hky, ami 
 lintiul thi< iliri>i<li<<n i>l lln wiiNJ, nihl >v.'U<-li<>il 
 tlio imniMiiiMiN III tile • imi>iu'\ HwallnwH witli 
 M I'litii'.'il Mill Hi'iiMititi • «>\i>, ami 1 luui' III Mini 
 Kiiiiiium<i><l that It wiiiiiil mit i.iiu tnr livf 
 iImn 1, ami ilh'\ woulil havn tln' pu'iiii' jiisf, 
 two ilavN lii'|iin< !lii' ram. .Vinl from (ho hour 
 01 Ihai aiiiiouiuMMiuMit (lint MiihllsMih laiiiilv 
 •ml llii'ir iiiMlcl ri'lalioiis ili>| 110; liiui; hut 
 liaUc, ;iuil 10. ml. .'III. I ;it.i\v, mill iron (■|..||vi'h, 
 mill ili'.'hiii' lhi'\ w.'ii- (irml to (It'atli 
 mill «oul,i |ii< ^liiil when It «i»H all ovor ami 
 I iloiio >nth It in M Hoiiu'what lomarkalilo 
 f*ot lh;)l all pi'-ijiUMvlio iiiako u|i timii iiiiiiiis 
 ti> »j» l» *» |ii>'iU(', («hvay.>t >lo «a> (iiit (lu-y 
 Will hi' fjlad « liiMi It i!< o\(>r. (\u.l art as 
 ihongli (hity w«>it' ^>Mll^ moroly an an 
 not ol it(>|| (liMim! auil rt .imrtitioatiim of thf 
 Uoiih, 
 
 Ihit wluMi tlu>»Uy «iuall\ r»>ll«>(l anuiiiil. an 
 ilnvK >m1I imII, (hi' i<\.'i((Mu«'u( wftji at \\» 
 hiMiilu I'ho Niin (<iriii»ulo,l to Ihn pl.i.o at tiu> 
 unual hour, :»•< wooii ,'«s lio was callcil, aii.l lux 
 Wvvl. itil la '«» ha«i a terribly « il.l nu,! 
 tt«»i>i)v«t<><t l.vk M ho^Utihl thuaitih thoWhk 
 
 of ohnhin t.h«( Otlli»Ut«Hl hl« |tt>tt.lU^Up pU(H>, 
 M thoiVith \\9 h»<i ImmM t«M-ing| MVUlttl *Uj 
 
 night, anfl ha'i nuver had iiin hootti or)', and 
 had oiiiy got up to collar the water pitcher. 
 No ivomler thfi whoh; party loit uoutiiiencfl 
 in Miiidi u nun the moment thoy looked at 
 hitit. \\t' lonkitd too much liki^ a prodigal 
 Mun, juHt hefore ho got ntarvui into reform, 
 ralhiir thmi a Minilin^, cheery picniu sua. 
 Ami till; .MnldhniliR took turiiH gmiig out 
 Hiiuly ail' I ill Hiii.ill ^roiipH to l')ok at him, 
 ami iiivili; liiH tinpromiHing appcir'iiice, and 
 aftur Hacli III it^orvation they would return to 
 thi< houHit and auk eacli other in toMt.-.s some- 
 wliat tinged with a teiidor imdaiicholy, 
 " Well, what do yon tliink of it?" And the 
 (pniHtioiied one would HtiHe a sigh ;i'i ! i(q)ly, 
 " I don't know, do yon ?" 
 
 There ia no Heine in all this wi le world of 
 pathim more [latlietio than u group ot un\i(iU8 
 iiiortaU, on til" morn of a pienic, trying to 
 delude eaeh other into tlie helief that wlien 
 the Hky is eovei'd witii heavy hiaek clouds, 
 HllO feet, thiek, .inl a damp soud is driving 
 through the air, and the sun is only half 
 vi.silile oeeasioiially through u thin eloiid that 
 in waiting to ho patohed up to the Hiandard 
 tlneUniiss and den^^ity, it is ui iit^ to boa 
 vety line day indeed. 80 the Middleribs 
 looked at the oojipeiy old sun, and the 
 dmiial clouds, and trioil to look cheer- 
 ful, and Bald oncoiiraj^iiigly th.il "Oh, it 
 never rained when the clouds can lo up that 
 w ly ; " and. " See, it is all clear over in the 
 I'a'Ht ; ' ami, " it often rains very heavily in 
 town when there doc^n t a ilro[> • 1 water fall 
 at riiifpc'-t Mill." \\\(\ thus, with many 
 encouraging remarks of similar import, they 
 awaited t he gatlu-ring of the pait\, and the 
 liiiin.in lieiii^s tinally eliiiibed into one waggon 
 put the haiket-s and the boys in tlu; oJicr, 
 and drove away, t;ii.;gling and howling with 
 well disseinliled ulcc. 
 
 The happy party, although tiiey well knew 
 Hint it would not ram, had taki n th" pre- 
 caiitnm iie<ertliele8s 10 take a lar^'e a>sort- 
 inent ot shawls and umbrellas. Tluy werti 
 a ((iiarter of a mile from town w iit n 11 began 
 to thunder some, but as it didn't thunder in 
 the direction of I'rospe.'t Hill, distant some 
 three niilis, they went on, conJideut that it 
 wiisu't r.'iiiiing, and wouldn't and couldn't 
 ram ;it rrospccl Mill. They were half a 
 mile from town when the cloud that all the 
 losi oi the clouds had been waitiiik; for cfcinc 
 up and sftt down on the last, solitary linger- 
 ing patch of blue that broke tlie maiotoiiy of 
 theli'adeu sky, but the l»arty pr-ssed on, con- 
 tideiit that they would lind line s-ky when 
 they got to ri\wfH>ct Hill. They wcrc a mile 
 from (own when old Aquarius pulUvi the bot- 
 tom out of the ram waggon and began the en- 
 iortatiimcnt. It was a grand nucces*. The 
 ourtAin hadn't l>^«n up t«u nunute« l^fore all 
 th« atMuliag room in tht; hooa« waa ukuk >p 
 
 
i>ut« ory', and 
 iu;r pitcher. 
 it <;'iiiHiieace 
 •y looked at 
 • a priirligal 
 ill Id niform, 
 
 pK'Iliu 8UQ. 
 IH goil'g out 
 
 >iik ta him, 
 
 iriiice, and 
 
 tl lettini to 
 
 t.o.Hj.s Hiime- 
 
 iindiinoholy, 
 
 f" Ami the 
 
 ;li ;iM ' mply, 
 
 il'' w'dild of 
 
 |i ot ail \ioaB 
 
 IV, Lryiiig to 
 
 I' that wiien 
 
 iiii'k cl'iuds, 
 
 III It driving 
 
 IS only half 
 
 ill tdoiid that 
 
 ;lii! HtHiidard 
 
 I'iii^ til bo a 
 
 iMidilloribs 
 
 111, iiiiil the 
 
 lii.ik nheer- 
 
 »i "Oh, it 
 
 'luno up that 
 
 iiv»fr 111 the 
 
 f lie,i\'i!y in 
 
 • i >vi»t«i fall 
 
 with many 
 
 iiiiptiit they 
 
 it\, iuid the 
 
 u one WitgLfon 
 
 1 the uJuT, 
 
 iivvliiig with 
 
 L-y wi'll knew 
 HI til" pre- 
 liiru'i' a*«<)rt- 
 I'luy wer»! 
 Ik'Ii il hr'gan 
 t iliuiidir in 
 istaiit Kiinie 
 
 ii'tit t\\At It 
 
 lid couldn't 
 »eio half a 
 that all the 
 lik; fiT cfcine 
 itar.v liiiijer- 
 nt'Uotoiiyof 
 fstnl on, oon- 
 ■ >l»y when 
 ^«clo a mile 
 llo.( the l)4»t- 
 i-^an the eji- 
 ic»». The 
 e* l)«for« all 
 aa t*kaa ap 
 
 MinnLElUU'S PK NIC. 
 
 SI 
 
 
 and the box olTicc was closed. Tho Middlo- 
 rib party having gone early, and aei-urod 
 front seats, were able to »oo everything. 
 They expressed their plesuiure by loud shrieks 
 and howls, and wails. They tore uinbrell.-is. 
 that had been furtively plaoed in the wagon, 
 out of their lurking places, and shot them up 
 with such abruptness that the hats in the 
 waggon were knocked out in the road. Then 
 the waggon stopped and people crawled out 
 and wadeit around after hats, and came 
 piling back into the waggon, their feet loadcil 
 with mud. Thv umbrellas gol into each 
 ether's way, and from the points of the ribs 
 streams of dirty viiter trickled down shud- 
 dering backs, and stained immaculate 
 dresses, and took the independence out of 
 ghissy shirt fronts. Ami the picnic party 
 turned homeward, but still the Middleribs 
 (lid not lose heart. They smiled through 
 their tuivrs, and .Miss Middlerib, beautiful in 
 her grief, still advocated going on and 
 having the picaic in a barn, and wept when 
 they iofnsed her. It rained harder every rod 
 of the way b;wU. Then they got every body 
 and every thing in the house, the heart-rend- 
 ing discovery was made that the boys had 
 taken the rubber blanket which was to have 
 covered the baskets in case of rain, and 
 spread it over tliemselvcs when the moisture 
 leathered, and cousoqueiitly the odibloa were 
 in a state of dainpn"ss. 
 
 Then the clouds broke, mid the nun eamo 
 out, and smiling nature stood around looking 
 as pleasant as though it had never played » 
 mean trick on a ])icnic party in its life ; and 
 the Middleribs hung themselves out in tho 
 sun to dry 'ul tried to jilay' croquet in 
 ^he wet grass to keep up their spirits as well 
 as thoy know how, and were not cross if they 
 did get wet. If smiling nature lu.l only 
 given them a show, or oven half a chance, 
 thoy would have got along all right. Thoy 
 were bound to have tho pienie jiarty anyhow, 
 so they kept all the relations at the house, 
 aud when dinner time came, tho grass was 
 dry and thoy set tho table out under tho 
 trees and made it look as picnicky as possible. 
 It clouded uu a little when thoy wore setting 
 the table, hut nobodv thought it looked 
 very threatening. The soaked things 
 had been dried as carefully as possible, 
 and the table looked boautinil when they 
 gathered around it. And just about the 
 time they got their plates filled and doclare<I 
 that they were glad they came back, and 
 that tiiis was ever mo much bettor than Pros- 
 pect Hill, a forty acre uloud came and stood 
 riffht over the table, and then and there wont 
 rU to pieces. 
 
 The pleaaure-seekem grabbed whatever 
 they oonld reach aud bnike for tho house, 
 uttming a wild shriek of diimAy. They 
 6 
 
 ciMwded into the hall, which wasn t halt" big 
 enough, and there they »Uhm\ on eavdi other's 
 trains, and trod o\\ e.aeh others corns, and 
 J oiired oolFee down each <»ther's b.u'ks, and 
 jabbed forks into one another's anus. When 
 one frantic looking woman would rush in 
 and set a plate of i-ake d(»wn on tlie lloi)r 
 while she dived into tiic rain with a woman's 
 anxiety to ret'over some more provisions from 
 the dripping wreck, a forlorn looking man 
 would immediately 8te|> on that plate of cake, 
 I and stand there ga/.ing woiideringly and ap- 
 
 Iirehensively at the slirii>king crowd .iround 
 liiii, pointing their forks an<I lingers at him 
 and his feet, and yelling, in a deafening 
 chorus, sunething as utterly uiiintiliifible as 
 " shouting jirtneriis." .\ii(i when tlic man, 
 in a vain effort to do something in cmnplianco 
 with the shrieking which was evid»'ully in 
 tended for him, atepped olV the cake and 
 stood ill a huge dish of baki-d be.'ins, tiic witil 
 I of consternation that went up from the I'on- 
 \ gregation fairly rent the bending skies. .And 
 when Uncle Steve, who had found Aunt 
 (^irrio's baby out under the deserted table, 
 maintaining an unequal struggle with half of 
 a huckleberry pie and a whole tliiindi<r storm, 
 eamo tearing in with a helpless infant, and, 
 dashing through tho crowd, deposited it on 
 top of a pile of hard-boiled ef>gs, MisH Mid- 
 dlerib fainted, and tho youngest gentleniHii 
 cousin was driven into a spasm of jealousy 
 because he couldn't walk over a row of cold 
 meats and lobster salad to get to hi<r, and 
 had to endure the misery of seeing iAw oldest 
 and ugl.est bachelor uncle carry her drooping 
 form to a sofa, and lay her tlown tenderly, 
 with her classic head in a nest of enwiiii tarts 
 and her dainty feet on Sadie's .lenny liind 
 cako. And when Mrs. Mitldlerib looked out 
 of tho window, and saw the dog lleedle with 
 his fore paws in the leinonadn liueket, growl- 
 ing at ctmsin <lohii, who was tryiiiu to drive 
 aim out of it, she expressed a willingness to 
 die right there. And wh«n they were start- 
 led by some unearthly sounds and iniitlled 
 shrieks, that even rose above tho hitman ba- 
 bel in the hall, and found that tho jat had 
 got its poor head jammed tighter than wax 
 in the mouth of tho jar uhat contained tho 
 cream, everybody just sat on the plato of 
 things nearest him, and gaaped, " What 
 next T " while cousin David lifted eat and jar 
 by tho tail of the f(»rmor, and cat riod them 
 out to bo broken apart. And when old Mr. 
 liubolkins lost his teeth in tho (Mtll'eo not, 
 half tho people in tho hall began to hmo 
 heart, anii one dinoouragod young cousin said 
 he half wiahwl that thoy had put tho pio-nio 
 off a day. And finally, whon the iinroar waa 
 at ita heiaht, the dmir-boU rang, aud the aunt 
 nuareat the door opened it, aud there atoo<l 
 the Hon. Mrs. J. (J. P. K. tt Von BUth*friug< 
 
82 
 
 MASTER BILDERBACK'S POULTRY YARD. 
 
 ford and her daughter, the richest and moit 
 fltyluh people in the neighbourhood, arruyed 
 like fashion-plates, making their Hrst formal 
 call. While they stood gazing in mute be- 
 wilderment at the scene of ruin and devaata- 
 tiuu and chaos before them, Mis. Mlddlerib 
 just got beliind the door and pounded her 
 head against the wall ; wiiile Miss Middlerib, 
 springing from her sofa, ran to her rooia, leav- 
 ing a trail of Jenny Lind cake and cream ti»ru8 
 bc'h-nd her, as the fragments dropped from 
 her back hair and heels. And the rest of 
 the company, staring at the guests with 
 their mouths full of assorted provisions, and 
 their hearts full of bitter disappointment, 
 mumbled, in hospitable chorus, "Wupiu." 
 wliich, had their mouths been empty, would 
 have been rendered, "Walk in." 
 
 This blow settled the picuig. (iloom hung 
 over the house the rest of the day. M:. 
 Middlerib decided, after the company had 
 dej)arted, that the easiest aid cheapest way 
 to clean the hall would be to turn the river 
 through it. And tliat niglit when they were 
 Mseuibled at a comfortless tea t; ble — Master 
 Middlerib having been sent U bed ho isick 
 that they didn't think his toe-naiis would be 
 able to hold down till morning- -Mr. Mid- 
 dlerib said : 
 
 " Jt isn't the steady, iionest, ambitious de- 
 vution to business that makes men old. La- 
 bt)ur is a law of our nature. We are happi- 
 est and most content when we are busiest. 
 It is the healthful labour of the day that brings 
 thc8weet,refre.jhingrepo8eof the night. Plea- 
 sure ilies us when we se«k her ; she comes 
 io us when we least regard her calls. Re- 
 member what I have .'Iways said, and find 
 your pleasure in yov? -Jaily work— in the 
 regular routine of daily life, and its duties 
 and useful avocations — and age will only 
 come upon you slowly, and youth will linger 
 in your hearts and your faces long years af- 
 ter your allotted days of youth are past. 
 The next time you want to have a picnic, 
 remember how n?any times I have warued 
 you against them. " 
 
 Halter BUilerl>»ol^'8 Pou|ltnr T«ra. 
 If there was auytjhiiig she abominat^^ 
 more than one thing, Mri, Bi(4erbauk , used 
 to say with some warmth, it was another, 
 and that was chiqVeuK. And Kbe resoiiit^ly 
 protested against keeping any of tlieut about 
 the place. 8ho wanted. to keep a few tlowiCfrs 
 this year, and she wasn't going to be murti- 
 Hbd again ae ehe vrae laati^umuier, by haying 
 every woman who called smilti at the (oropt 
 of bare stalks aiul scraggy Iniwabes ^a^ 
 etuod for the ooUeo^pn Qt bon^*, plant^ itiai; 
 ■henndbai imgh^r. irie^to raiftpi fajn 4)riuk , 
 meala Ao lhA.pliM«k b9t .yirhich, ^ere, jfifi^jr fit 
 no more use except to fill the crops of a lot 
 
 of long-legged, ii angry chickens. And for a 
 long tiuiH the good lady held out stoutly 
 against the chicktu ]ir(>position, hut was at 
 last over-argued and ovcrpei'juuded and 
 gavf her unwilling oouseiit for .daster Bil- 
 iliybackto ki'.ii]) tJircc do/cm cliicUeiis, the 
 party of the second jiart ltiiidi<i>; liiiiiself to 
 keep the table supplied with fresli e.^gs and 
 spring chickens, and to keep all liens, roost- 
 ers, and all young chickens of unknown sex, 
 but of sullicieiit piiyaical development to 
 scratch, out of the front yard and auay 
 from tlie riowcr bed.s. Thia eo'ntr.vct Master 
 Bilderbaek placed himself under heavy bonds 
 to carry out, l>y sayiui^, "honi^st injuu," 
 "pon nonnour," and -'eross my lieirt,'" and 
 having sidemuly repeated this awful an<l im- 
 pressive forniuii), lie went .sedately out of the 
 room and inimodirvtely threw himself down 
 on a verbena bed, where lie p;)uuded tlie 
 ground with hia heels in the ecsta- 
 sy .)f his joy In due time the 
 new hen-h )a.so xaa completed, and Mr. 
 l.ililerbaek, breathing maledictions on the 
 wretches who nullod the pickets oil' his front 
 fence for kiiidlju:; wood, had that important 
 boundary re[»aired l)cfore he noticed that the 
 apertures in tlie tenee correapomled to eer- 
 tain neat lookini,' improvements on the hen- 
 nery. TliK house was stoekel rather slowly, 
 for it W.1S j)art, of tiio contract which Mrs. 
 Bildnrbaek had drawn that the party of the 
 sccuud part shoulil purchase his own stock. 
 It was notieeabio that Master Bildcrbaek'e 
 taste ran greatly toward gamoy looking 
 rooster-, aiul as the perches in the hsnnory 
 beL'n.ine mmo and moi e ))(>pulated, the outlook 
 for fresh ektgs and ,s[)ring chickens became 
 very discouraging indeed. The lirat fowl th*i 
 
 f)oultcrer brou^^^ht liouio was a gfiunt Ham- 
 mrg with ono eye and a game leg, but . 
 beautifully spanglcii, wdiich interesting bird, 
 Master Bild»u-back informed his sisteff was 
 the worst pill in the box and had lost his eye 
 while lighting a cow. The next day rie 
 tradod a pocketful of marbles for a little 
 bantam that crowed twenty-four hours a day, 
 could sli}) throu^di a season criickin a warped 
 board, could dig a hole in the middle oj a 
 rtowcr bad that you could bury a calf in, 
 Thero wnb,ut a momcut'a silence about; the 
 house after the liantam's arrival, for when he , 
 was not lighting tlie Hamburg, wliieli was 
 only when that valiant but ]>rui|ont bird got 
 up lUL top of the house and iiid behiiMJ a 
 chimney, he was wandering through the, 
 house trying Ilia voic,<?,in the difl'qrenti ^o^ns, 
 or sl.au^lu)g on the frofit uoroU issuing prq- 
 iplamations of dctiance to all roosters to whom : 
 thei|q pr«)s»eHtH might,«oiue, greeting. A itay, 
 or two, afttjr I the Wji/^m's amy4 Mm^; , 
 ,Bil«^hfick traded , hiijjtuifo hi a oij^ 
 tSpahish rooster witli a nroken wing. Toe 
 
A SUNDAY IDYt. 
 
 88 
 
 And for a 
 out stoutly 
 
 liut was at 
 
 uaded aacl 
 
 il aster Bil- 
 
 icUens, the 
 
 ; himself to 
 
 sh e>4gs ami 
 
 hens, I'uost- 
 
 kiujvvn sex, 
 
 lopineiit to 
 
 and away 
 
 •act Master 
 
 loHvy bonds 
 
 ^-st injuu," 
 
 u';irt," aud 
 
 fill an<l im- 
 
 y out (if the 
 
 iiself down 
 
 iiuided the 
 
 the oosta- 
 
 tiiiie the 
 
 , aud Mr. 
 
 ous on the 
 
 od" his front 
 
 t juipurtant 
 
 Lied tliat the 
 
 led to (jer- 
 
 m the heu- 
 
 tlier slowly, 
 
 ivhich Mrs, 
 
 urty of the 
 
 own stock. 
 
 Bildcrbai,k'fB 
 
 luy looking 
 
 ;ho hsnnery 
 
 , the outlook 
 
 ous became 
 
 irst fowl th"! 
 
 ^aunt Hara- 
 
 e log, but , 
 
 oatiug bird, 
 
 sisttjrs was 
 
 I lost his eye 
 
 ixt day "he 
 
 for a little 
 
 hours a day, 
 
 in a warped 
 
 niddle ox a 
 
 y a ualC in, 
 
 u about) tlio 
 
 for when h« , 
 
 whieli wa» 
 
 out biriil Hot 
 
 id behiiMT a 
 
 thi'ough th« 
 
 erenti mujiib, 
 
 isijHing urq- 
 
 tors to wliom 
 
 i^jg. A ilayi 
 
 \oi a bladj, 
 wing. Tn« 
 
 Spaniard when put in the coop proceeded at 
 once to clean out the dishearteued Hamburg, 
 
 her on the head, just abaft her ear, with his 
 heel, gently dropping her ; " grassed the old 
 
 who fought ou the tactics which had so often ' lady," Master liihlerback afterward ex- 
 provod of so iireat value to hiin, and anuized plained to his sister, "like a shoe." The 
 his furious autagouist by the briskness with wretched bird paused as he passed the sitting 
 wliich he gut out of the coop, uj) ou to the ; room window, which was just about ou a le- 
 barn, aud perched liiuiself on the restless and vel with his head when he stooped, to look 
 uncertain weather-cock. The Spaniard and in aud make some unintelligible remarlt in a 
 the bantam then liad it until neither of them , guttural tone of language, and snatching up 
 could f taiMl, when the pacific Hamburg im- : a new tidy wliich Miss Bildcrbaok was at 
 proved the opportunity to come down and work upon, swallowed it aud passed on. 
 partake of the lirst square meal he hail eaten Wherever he trod he smashed a house plant, 
 since the new boar.lers had come to the [ and whenever he croaked he threw somebody 
 house. Two days later, ijaster Bilderback into a lit. He met .Mr. Bildeiback as lie 
 In-ought home a vile looking white rooster suddenly turned the <!oriicr of tlic house, ran 
 with no tail feathers, his comb shaved oft" against the old geutleniaii with a wild kind 
 close to the head, and spurs as long as your • of a crow that sounded like a .steamboat 
 tluiml), a vile plebeian of a rooster without a ' whistle with a bad cold, aud, as he trampled 
 line of pedigree, of no particular strain, ex- over the good man's prostrate joiiu, he 
 cept a strain tiiat niude hi.s very eyes turn plucked off his neck-tie aud swalUiwed it. 
 red whfm he growled, which he had bought Then the "buster" wheeled around and 
 for an (dil base ball club. But the nameless ; straddled into the sitting-room win<low, and 
 stranger amazed the proprietor of the hennery before they could head him out of the 
 by waltz'iig into the establishment with a,| window he swallowed two spools (tt cotton, 
 terrific rooster oath, aud following it up by , a tack hammer, a set of false teeth bulo.igiug 
 kicking the bantam clear out of his miml, ; to Mrs. Bilderljack, a cake of toilet soap, a 
 jerking the wattles off the Spaniard, ami shoe buttoner, a ball of yam, an Arctie 
 chasing the persecuted Hamburg half way up overshoe, aud liualiy choked ou a photograph 
 the side of tiie house. This was the last album which Hew open when it was about 
 addition made to the liappy family for some half way down. The bird when la t h^ard 
 time, Mr. Bilderl)ack declaring that l.i was from was still at large ro.imiug around Simth 
 not going so have his premises turned i'^o a Hill, but Master BiMerb.ick's hennery ia 
 cook-pit, and Master Bilderback was sternly ' emiity and lonesome, l)ecauHehis parents are, 
 forbidden to arrange any more meetings in \ for some unaccountable reason, bitterly pre- 
 the alley, with other boys and their l)irds. judiced against keeping chickens. 
 
 But a few days afterward, when Master j 
 
 Bilderbadk came home from school, it was ; A Sunday Idyl, 
 
 evident that he had made a trade. He had ' You see, the tenor had got kiml of ab- 
 scmie oth b jy's shabby oli^haton his head, , straeted, or restless, or somethiuj; during the 
 and there wasn t a lead pencil, piece of i long prayer, aud was thinking al)out the Eu- 
 strin^r, pistol cartridge, top, lish-hook, ropean war, or the wheat corner last week, 
 chalk-line, marble, dime novel, or street | or something, and so, when the minister gave 
 car ticket in his pockets, and he : out hymn '231, on page ()7, and the chorister 
 had a new rooster, the crowning glory of the whisfjered them to sing the music ou page 
 vast collection of fowls that were to furnish 117, ii. all came 'u on tiie tenor like a volley, 
 forth his mother's table with fresh eggs aud aud as he had o»ily the playing of the sym- 
 spring chickens. It was a Shaushai ; young ; phony in which to make tiic necessary corn- 
 one, Master Bilderback said, as no prepared bination of time, hyinu aud page, became to 
 to untie its legs and wings, and introduce it the front just a little bit ilisitrgauized, aud 
 to its new home ; hadn't got his growth yet, his liugers sticking between every loaf of the 
 but he was "n, buster." And Nlrs. Bilder- book. And tho oo'igrogatiini hadn't faced 
 back tnoiight he was. Wheu he was untied the footlights half a minute bef(n-e the con- 
 he stool up and flapped one of his wings in gragatiou more than half suspected somotiiing 
 his proprietor's face, until that young gentle- . was wrong. For, you sec, the soprano, ia 
 man Was ready to "cross his heart' that attempting to answer tho fron/,iol whisper 
 somebody hud hit him with a clapboard. And ! of tho tunor in roganl to the page, l(>at the 
 before he had rocoverod from the effects of first two or throe words of the opening line 
 this blow the noble bird kicked iiim uu<Ier , herself, aud that left tiie alto to start off 
 the ch'n ami darted off to tho front yard alone, for the basso was so profoundly en- 
 with prodigious strides. He utterei^ a mosc gaged in watching tiie tenor and 
 awful croak as he uearod Mr.<. Bi|derbaok, wondoring^ wliat aUot^ him. that ho 
 wh^ was trying to got out of h|^ w*y^ ai^d, ; forgot to siug. 'J'ho music wasn't written 
 in avainatteinpt to Ay over her; lie struck ' for an alto solo, and oousequontly there 
 
84 
 
 RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA. 
 
 wasn't very much variety to that part, and j 
 after singiiiu through the line aloue, and re- i 
 ceiviug neither applause nor boquets for one I 
 of the tiuest contialto eflbrts a Burlington | 
 or any other audience ever listened to, the 
 alto stopped and looked reproachfully at the ^ 
 soprano, m ho had just plunged the tenor's 
 soul into a gulf of dark despair by leaving 
 him to tind his way out of the labyrinth of ' 
 tunes and pages and hymns into which his | 
 headlciisuess hud led him, by giving him a [ 
 frantic shake of her head, which unsettled i 
 the new spring bonnet (jubt the sweetest | 
 duck of a Korniandy), to that extent that | 
 every woman in the congregation noticed it. : 
 All this tin)e the organist was doing nobly, 
 and the alto, rtcovtiiiig her spirits, sang 
 another Itar, which, for sweetnets and tena- 
 cious adherence to the same note, all tiie 
 way through, couldn't he beat in America. , 
 By this time tlie bats had risen to the emer- 
 gency ai.d sang two deep guttural notes, 
 with profound expression, but as those of 
 the congregation sitting nearest the choir 
 could distinctly hear him sing "Ho, ho 1" to 
 proper music, it was painfully evident that 
 the basso liad the correct tune, but was 
 running w ild on the words. At this point 
 the soprano got her time and started oft' with 
 a couple of contideut notes, high and clear as 
 a bird st ng, and the congregation, inspired 
 with an over-rtady confidence, broke out on 
 the last Mord ot the verf^c witJi a discoriiant 
 roar that rattloil the globes on the big chande- 
 lier, and as the versi; closed M'ith this triumph- 
 ant outbieak, an expression of calm, restful 
 satisfaction was observed to steal o\ er the 
 top of the pastor's head, which was all that 
 could be seen of him, as he bowed himself 
 behind the pulpit. 
 
 The organist played an intricate and beau- 
 tiful interlude without a tremor or a false 
 note ; not an uncertain touch to indicate 
 that there was a particle of excittmeut in the 
 choir, or that anything had gone wrong. 
 
 The choir didn't exactly appear to catcli 
 the organist's reassuring steadiness, for the 
 basso ltd ofl the stK nd verse by himself, 
 and his deep-toiud " Ho, ho !" was so per- 
 ceptible throughout the fcanct.)ary that 
 seveial people started, and looked down 
 under the seats for a man, an«l one irreverent 
 sinner, near the door, thiust a felt hat into 
 his mouth and slid out. The soprano got 
 orders and started out only three or four 
 words behind time, but she had'nt reached 
 the first siding before she collided with a 
 woman in the audience, running wild and 
 trying to carry a noM- tune to the old words. 
 And then, to make it worse, the soprano 
 handed her book to the tenor, and pointed 
 him to the tune on page 117 and words on 
 page 67, and if that uiibappy man uidn't gc* 
 
 his orders mixed, and struck out on schedule 
 time, with the tune on page 07 and the 
 words 3U page 117, and in less than ten 
 words ditched himself so badly that he was 
 laid out for the rest of the verse, and then 
 he lost his place, handed the book back to 
 the soprano, took the one the had, and held 
 it ujiside down, and no living man could tell 
 from his face what he « as tiii:}!>^ing of or 
 trying to say. Meanwhile the soprano, 
 wnen the books were so abiupt'v changed 
 on her, did just what might hi..e been ex- 
 pected, and telescoped two tunes and sets of 
 words into each other with ditastious eiiect. 
 The alto was running smoothly along, pas- 
 senger time, for the several wrecks gave her 
 the track, so far as it was cleai, all to her- 
 self. The basso who had slipped an eccentric 
 and was only working one side, was lumbling 
 cautiously along, clear of his own time, flag- 
 ging himself every mile of the way, and ask- 
 ing for orders eveiy time he got a chance. 
 The pastor's head was observtd to trtmble 
 with emotion, and the people sitting nearest 
 the pulpit say they could indistinctly hear 
 sounds from behind it that resembled the 
 syllables " Te, he !" As the organist pulled 
 and crowded and encouraged them aloifg to- 
 ward the closing line, it looked as though 
 public contideiice might soon Ic restored and 
 the panic abated, but alas, as even the de- 
 moralized tenor rallied, and caiiie in w ith the 
 full (juaitette (11 the last lir.e, a misguided 
 man in the audience siuUU uly thoU).ht he 
 recognized in the distracted tiioc an old, fa- 
 miliar acquaintance, and broke out in. a joy- 
 ous howl on something entirely different^ thai 
 inspired every singing man and woman in the 
 congregation with the same idea, and the 
 hymn wjis tinished in a terrific discord of 
 sixty-nine dillerent tunes, and the rent and 
 mangkd m^k dy tiapped and fluttered around 
 the sacred edifice like a new kind of delirium 
 tremens, and all the wrecking cats on the 
 I line were started for the scene at once. 
 
 The pastor deserves more inaite than can 
 be crowded into these pagiH tor pronouncing 
 the benediction in clear, evtn tones, without 
 even the ghost of a smile on his placid coun- 
 tenance. 
 
 Bupertlno'B Panorama. 
 
 Uur first view is leaving New York har- 
 bour. This is a beautuul picture. Sec the 
 mighty vessel, spreading her snowy wings to 
 the gale, ulide thiough the water like athiuu 
 of life. Tliere is nothing to hinder her, and 
 nothing iu tliat lact to make a fuss about. 
 But if the water was to jjlide throu^iih her, it 
 would be time for reflection on the brevity of 
 one's life insurance policy. The noblo ship ia 
 freidhted with precioua humau soula, bright 
 
 
RUPERTINO'S PANORAMA. 
 
 85 
 
 hopes, happy anticipations, hides, salt meat 
 and highwines. 
 
 This is a view of the Bourse in Paris, a 
 twill institution to the Burhngton Board of 
 Trade. The man in tlie baokground, trying 
 to hang him.^elf, on a lamp-post, is a member 
 of the Bourse. He has just been Boursted. 
 He '..as beon opei'ating in corn. If you will 
 hold a Itottlo or small tumbler to your mouth 
 and look steadily at this picture, you will 
 see liow the\' usually operate m corn at tlie 
 Exchanges. 
 
 This is a view in ••'<gypt. The great city 
 of Cairo. It is named after ("airo, Illhi .is. 
 Cairo is on the river Nile. Cairo never 
 struck ile that we know of. but we do know 
 that Cairo seen Xi'j. We do not knosv, 
 history docs not tell us, wh;it there w-is so 
 important in this event, l)ut we know it is 
 commemorated by uiDnuments erected all 
 over America. You can't guiiito a cemetery 
 in the United .States without seeing one or 
 more raoniimeuta erect >d to the memory of 
 Cairo i''. Nile. He was probably the inven- 
 tor of a cooking stove, as some reference is 
 usually ma le to t)\e kitchen fire. 
 
 This is a view of the Seine. This is the 
 favourite place for the Parisians to shuttle off 
 theii mortal coil. The volatile Frenchman 
 gets himself full of elan (you know what that 
 is) and jumi)s off one of these arched bridges, 
 the Pont Xoiif oi- the Pont do .lena, down by 
 the 8hong de Mar. The zhong darmay, 
 which is French for river police, fishes the 
 victim out ; the coroner pronounces him in- 
 curably inseine, his property is confiscateil, 
 and his insurance policy declared void, so as 
 to spoil his wife's c'lances of marrying again. 
 Such is tlie grasp of an iron desootism upon 
 the wretched slaves of down-trodden Kurope. 
 (Applause.) 
 
 Here is a view in London of the old Buek- 
 iug'om palaee This is an exterior view. 
 Inside there art! several keno banks, some 
 chuckaluck tables and a faro bank, and the ; 
 nobility are in there bucking the tiger. \ 
 King Richard (Mime out of the palace once, 
 cleaned out, after a run of bad luck. Ho ro- ' 
 marked to a friend, " So much for bucking 
 'em." The quotation has passed into his- 
 tory. 
 
 A panoramic view of Scotland. The gen- 
 tleman in the peculiar position in the fore- 
 ground is scratching his back against a mile 
 post and remarking, "Clod bless the j^ude 
 Duke of .\rgyle." The children in Scotland 
 are taught that the Duke of Argyle made the 
 world. This is an error. 
 
 We stand among the antiquities of Rome 
 — Rome that stood on her seven hills, like 
 James Robinson in his famous eight-horse 
 bareback act. This is Trajan's Column—his 
 spinal ctJumn, This is the Arch of Titus. 
 
 When he put up that arch he was Titus a 
 brick. This is the place where the Roman 
 mobs used to collect and the police went 
 Forum. Here is the (.'oliseum. There is the 
 bloody sand of the arena ; there is the spot 
 where " the dying gladiator " lied. " I see 
 before ine the "lying gladiator lie." Some 
 calm and temperate Roman ought to have 
 cast the seoundrel's lies in his teeth. The 
 U(^nians were very depraved, wicked people, 
 and the entire civili/ed world yet suffers from 
 the effects (^f their malicious iuicjuity. They 
 invented the Latin grammar, Nepos, Cicero, 
 and Virgil, and hurled upon the boys of suc- 
 ceeding ages a language crmtaining ten rule^^ 
 to every word, and twenty exceptions to 
 every rule. This is a statue of a noble 
 Ro/nan, .fulius C:esar. He was named after 
 the Fourth of July and Preside -it 'Irant. 
 
 We stand in Oreece. "The isles of 
 Greece I The isles of (Jroeoel" Probably 
 the poet referred to goose grease. The 
 ( Ireeks were an ancient people. 'I'hey wrote 
 tiieir letters in cipher, and schoolboys of to- 
 day sigh for hours over their letters. Here 
 are tlie ruins of the temple of .fupiter 
 O'Lympus, erected to him by the ancient 
 Greeks, thus proving that the I rish nation 
 sprang from these ancient heroes. Kere is an 
 ancient theatre. It is elosed now for repairs; 
 has been closed for a few tliousaixl years, and 
 the actors have gone ofT to their summer 
 resort, at Hades on the Styx. 
 
 Behold buried Pompeii. The city was en- 
 tombed in an eruption that hadn't been 
 equalled since Job got well. The gentleman 
 in a military position at the gate, dressed in 
 a full suit of bones, is not only a charming 
 specimen of anatomy, but was a brave 
 sentinel, who was covered uj) with ashes 
 before he could run. He would have been 
 l,70o years old to-morrow if he had run and 
 kept on living. It appears, howef or, that he 
 is dead. The fact is not substantiated by 
 any dircef evidence, as no witnesses can 
 bo found who saw him die, and his 
 will, therefore, has not been probated. 
 But it is generally believed that he 
 is dead. Weep not for him, friends. 
 He was a heathen, and has gone where he it 
 probably used to volcanoes by this time, 
 i This iiuilding. the veneray)ie pile that rises 
 before you, is .SV.OOO years old. It orpinally 
 ' cost $850, and took ton men nearly all sum- 
 ! mer to build it, It w.<s whitewashed nearly 
 4,(MK) years ago, but receiv d no later re- 
 pairs. The room on the right as you enter 
 ! the ball on the first floor, is the Torture 
 ' Room. It is called the County Treasurer's 
 otflco, and is where [>eople go and mortgage 
 their farms and homes far taxes. The room 
 opposite is the County Insane Asylum. The 
 juries are confined here while on duty, and 
 
MIDDL£RIB'S DOa 
 
 the local debating societies also meet there. 
 This court-house was built many ages before 
 Burlington was settled. The massive walls | 
 are engraved with the names of eminent ; 
 men who have served on the juries. \ grim ; 
 and imposing anti(iuity frowns up' us as | 
 we enter the Judgment Hall up stair.- The ^ 
 benches and desks are made ot wood taken \ 
 from the decks of the ark. The tobacco | 
 quids in the corners were piled there so long J 
 ago tlmt people had n(»t begun to remember | 
 anything. Tlie wood-box is a pre-Adamic 
 creation. It is modelled after the megather- | 
 ium. The enly man liviiig who kuOws any i 
 thin^ about the early history of the court- i 
 house is dead. 1 
 
 Mlddlerib's Dog. 
 Mr. Middlorib used to be a devoted dog 
 faucitr. About three years ago he owned a 
 beautiful hou)id pup about five months old. 
 It was considereti an ornament to the neigh- 
 "bourhood. A nouiid pup at that age is an 
 object of surprising beauty, under any cir- 
 cumstances ; but when you consider that Mr. 
 Middlerib liad raised his pup on scientific 
 principles (boiled l>eef and rice), you can 
 readily imagine what a canine divinitj' it 
 was. Gaunt legs longer than your gr&....- 
 father's stories, and the hind ones so crooked 
 that the dog sticks his foot into everything 
 in the yard, every time he tries to scratch 
 his ear ; sides look as though he had swal- 
 lowed an old hoopskirt, and the springs show 
 through ; more ribs under his hide than 
 there are spots on it ; tail as long as the dog, 
 and two inches across the big end and taper- 
 ing down like a marlinspike, so lean you can 
 count every joint in it, and so hard that you 
 couldn't scratcli it witiia diamond — hasevery 
 appearance of liaving been made ten years 
 before the dog was, and then lumg out to 
 blench in the rain and dry in the sun until 
 the dog came along ; ears soft as a kid glove, 
 and about the size and appearance of a 
 blacksmith's vpion- bear every evidence of 
 being consi icred by all otlier dogs in the 
 prti met .ns dreadful nice things to chew. 
 Beautiful eyp- ; open twenty-three hours and 
 rifty-nine im : utts of the day ; scare every 
 woman into iits that looks into the back yard 
 after dark. Sweet mouth, opens on a hinge , 
 at the l>ack of his head, and is : 
 never shut unless there is something i 
 in it. That's the best pictare of a growing 
 hound, one of this kind with liver coloured 
 ■pots, that we can draw, and Mr. Middlerib's 
 was just like this, only more so. His princi- i 
 pal characteristic was a tendency to lunch. I 
 He was fond of nibbling little thing<« around j 
 the house. Split his face one Sunday while | 
 the folks w«ire at church, and shut it down I 
 over a whole ham. Tiiked to peck at o<ld i 
 
 bones and scraps, and one Monday morning 
 he ate two tablecloths, a tiaitnel shirt, a bis 
 roller towel, half a dozen clothes pins and 
 thirteen linear yards of clothes line, before 
 the washing had been hung out half an hour. 
 Fond of eggs, too, and knows every heu by 
 sight in the neighbourliood, and sets otf on a 
 friendly call every time he hears a cackle. 
 Mrs, M. wants t ■• iell him, but Middlerib 
 says gold couldn't i<uy him. So he stays, and 
 eggs are as scarce in that ward as ever. 
 
 Well, one night, Mrs. M. had made tome- 
 thing by pulverizing a lot of very hot pota- 
 toes. We believe it was yeast. Any now, 
 it was necessary that it should cool very 
 presentl}', and after sonic misgivings relative 
 to the dog and his weakness, m hich were dis- 
 pelled by Middlerib's indignant defence of 
 that sagacious anim.-.l, ttie dish containing 
 the fiery compound was placed on the outer 
 edge of a wmdow sill, to cool in the night 
 air. 
 
 Then the family resumed their occupation 
 of hearing Middlerib explain the causes that 
 led to the recent revolution in politics. 
 
 Such a weird, unearthly, piercing wail 
 hadn't been heard since Dresseldorf learned 
 to play the clarionet. It seemed to come out 
 of the ground, cut of the sky, out of the air 
 around tliem, and for an instant the frighten- 
 ed Middleribs gazed at each other with white, 
 terror blanched faces. Then they rushed to 
 the door and looked out. A gaunt, ghostly 
 form, with liver colored spots and a mouth 
 full of red hot potato yeast thrashed wildly 
 up and down tiie yard, splitting the darkneaa 
 with terrific yells at every jump. It wat 
 Middlerib's dog, and it was apparently feel- 
 ing uneasy. It dashed madly around in 
 short circles and screamed " Police,'' and 
 scraped its jaws with its paws, and wept and 
 rubbed its chops along the cold ground, and 
 swore and howled for water, and pawed the 
 earth and sang psalms, and in several ways 
 expressed its disapprobation of potato yeaat 
 as a diet. Finally, the dog wedged himself 
 in between the fence and the ash-barrel, and 
 told all about it, how it happened and what 
 it felt like, and how he liked it as far as he'd 
 got. He never slept a wink that night. He 
 wastooanxioustoget his narrative completed 
 and see the proofs of it. Neither did any- 
 body in the neighbourhood sleep, either. And 
 everj' time a water pitcher would crash down 
 into the yard, or a boot-jack bang against the 
 fence or an andiron plunge madly into the 
 aah-barrel, the dog would laugh in mocking 
 tones, and go on with his testimony. About 
 midnight a vigilance committee waited on 
 Mr, Middlerib, but he wouldn't come out, 
 and they couldn t stand the noine long 
 enough to break in the door. The doe fiuiah- 
 ed his statement about sunrise^ when the 
 
A BOY'S DAY AT HOME. 
 
 87 
 
 fr mormng 
 lirt, a biff 
 B pins and 
 ine, before 
 If au lionr. 
 ;ry hen by 
 itu otf on a 
 a cackle. 
 MicltUerib 
 stays, and 
 ever. 
 
 lade some- 
 hot pota- 
 Auy uow, 
 cool very 
 gH relative 
 t were dis- 
 lefeuce of 
 t'Oiitaiuing 
 \ the outer 
 i the uight 
 
 occupation 
 ^auHcs that 
 tics. 
 
 roing wail 
 orf learned 
 
 come out 
 of the air 
 
 le f righten- 
 ivith white, 
 r rushed to 
 nt, ghostly 
 1(1 a mouth 
 hed wildly 
 le darkness 
 J. It wac 
 rently feel- 
 around in 
 lice," and 
 
 1 wept and 
 round, and 
 [jawed the 
 .^eral ways 
 )tato yeast 
 id himself 
 tarrel, and 
 
 and what 
 far as he'd 
 light. He 
 completed 
 
 did any- 
 blier. And 
 rash down 
 gainst the 
 y into the 
 t mocking 
 '. About 
 waited on 
 come out, 
 oise long 
 ioff fiuish- 
 tvnen the 
 
 (ommittee rose. Tlie family ate baker's 
 bread the next day, and Middlerib so far 
 yielded to Mrs. M.'s entreaties as to say that 
 if any man will make a fair offer, he might 
 sell an undivided third of the dog. 
 
 A Boy's Day at Home. 
 Master Bilderliai;k liail lieeii homo all day, 
 confined to tiio Iiouhc and harn by the 
 rain, and excited by the pnispect nf nnlimit- 
 •d fun durinsr the hm;^ vacjitiion. He was a 
 blessing to liis inothur and sister, and his 
 affeccioiiate parent caiiylit hor death of cold 
 by runninL' uroiiihl al'ter liiin in uut^ stocking 
 foot, searching out the tender plaees in his 
 nature and anatomy with a hmr and a half 
 slipper. He tieil one end of liis sisfer's ball 
 of crochet cotton to the Hy-wlieel of the 
 sewing machine and the otlier around the 
 tail of the cat, and l)y the time his mother 
 had sewod half way down one of the long 
 seams in Mr. Bilderl)ack'a new shirt, all but 
 a few yards of that cotton was a chaotic 
 mass about that tly-wiieel and shaft, and the 
 cat was waltzing in and out of the 
 kitchen, spiawlin^ alonu backward, tail 
 straight as a poker, fur up and eyes aHame, 
 snowling, and spittiug, and swearing like 
 mad, and Mrs. Bdderback and her daughter 
 climbed upon the taViIe and shrieked till the 
 vrindows rattled, while Master Bilderbaek, 
 hid behind the clothes-horse in tiie kitchen, 
 lay down on his back and laughed a wicked 
 gurgling kind of a laugh. Then he went out 
 and jammed a potato into the nose of the 
 chain pump and the hireil girl went out and 
 pumped till her arms achod clear down 
 to her heels, and then told Mrs. Bilderbaek 
 the cistern had sprung a leak iind was dry as 
 a bone. And then Mrs. Bilderbaek, declar- 
 ing slie knew better, went ont and turned 
 the wheel till her head swam and she gave up, 
 and Miss Bilderbaek went out and turned 
 till she cried, and then Master Hilderback, 
 rather than go to the neighbour's for water, 
 went out and fixed the pump and came in to 
 be praised, and was duly praised with 
 the slipper, for he had l)een watched, lie 
 put an (dd last year's fire-cracker in the 
 kitchen stove ; he insured a steady run of 
 strange visitors for about two hours, to the 
 great amazement of his mother and sister, by 
 pinning a placard on the porch step, plainly 
 seen from the street, but invisible from the 
 front door, " Man wanted to drive carriage; 
 $35 a month and board." Mrs Bihlerback 
 drew a sigh of relief wrhen she heard Mr. B.'s 
 itep in the hall, and informed her son that as 
 aoou as his father came in he should be duly 
 informed of all that had been going on. A 
 moat impressive silence followed this remark, 
 and the trio in the sitting-room listened to 
 Mr. Bilderback's heavy breathing as he 
 
 divested himself of his wet boots, and pre- 
 
 Eared to assume his slippers. Master Biloer- 
 ack's face wore an expression of the deepest 
 concern. 
 
 Suddenly the silence was broken by a 
 shout of astonisliment and terror, followed 
 by a howl of intense agony, and there was a 
 clattering as of a runaway crockery wagon 
 in the hall. The affrighted family rushed to 
 the door, and beheld Mr. Bilderbaek cleaving 
 the shadows with wild gestures and frantic 
 gyrations. " TaKC it on," he shouted, and 
 made a grab at his own foot, but, missing it, 
 went ou with his war-dance. •' Water I ho 
 shrieked, and started, up stairs, three at a 
 step, and turning, came back in a single 
 stride, " Oh, I'm stabbed !" he cried, and 
 sank to the floor and held his right leg high 
 above his head ; then he rose to his feet with 
 a bound and screamed for the boot-jack, and 
 held Ins foot out toward his terrilied family. 
 "Oh, bring me the arnica!" he yelled, 
 and with one despairing effort he reached his 
 slipper and got it oft", and with a groan as 
 deep as a well and hollow as a drum, sank 
 into a chair and clasped his foot in both 
 hands. "Look out for the scorpion," he 
 whispered hoarsely, "I'm a dead man." 
 
 Master Bdderback was by this time out 
 in the wood- shed, rolling in the kindling in 
 an ecstacy of glee, and pausing from time to 
 time to explain to the son of a neighbour, 
 who had dropped in to see if there was any 
 innocent sport going on in which he could 
 share, "Oh, Bill," he said, "you woiddn't 
 believe ; some time to-day, somehow or 
 other, a big blue wasp got into the old man's 
 slipper, and when he come home and put it 
 on — oh. Bill, you don't know !" 
 
 Why Mr. Bostwick Moved. 
 
 Young Mr. Bostwick has moved. He 
 liked the house he has been living in well 
 enough, and Mis. Bostwick fairly cried her 
 eyes out when they left it, because it had a 
 bay window and blind with slats that you 
 could turn so that you could see anybody 
 in the street and nobody could see you. 
 But old Mr. Glasford, the landlord, was 
 very deaf, and it was on account of this in- 
 firmity that his tenant left the house. Mrs. 
 Bostwick said she couldn't see what Mr. 
 Glasford's deafness had to do with the house, 
 but her husband only looked worried and 
 said it made a good deal of difference with 
 a man's peace of mind, when he had some- 
 thing he wanted to whisper, and had to 
 whisper it to a man who couldn't hear any- 
 thing if he went into a boiler factory. Mrs. 
 Bostwick didn't understand what difference 
 it made anyhow, but then she wasn't down 
 town that terrible Wednesday, when old 
 Mr. Glasford went into the store where her 
 
(I 
 
 88 
 
 SPECIAL PROVIDENCES. 
 
 husband was selling a loTely young divinity j Bostwick groaned, and in a fit of de8p«ra> 
 
 from Denmark a dress pattern off a piece of | tion he broke down, and gave it up. 
 
 Centennial percale. Mr. Bostwick saw the | " I can't pay that rent to-day !" he shriek- 
 
 old gentleman coming and felt very nervous, ed, and the i)retty customer was so shocked 
 
 Eii^'er to anticipate the demand which be tliat she dropped her parasol, fan and paper 
 
 knew the old man was going to make, lie of gnni drops. 
 
 dasheil toward liim with an abruptness that : " What went to-day?" nskedtheold man, 
 
 astonislicd the fair customer who had just , waving Bostwick oil' with his stick. 
 
 l()at herself iu adniiration of Bostwick's i Here the proprietor otticiously interposeil 
 
 diamond pin, ami tlie fact, just confidentially to cover Bostwick'sconfusion, speaking iu the 
 
 iniparteil to lier, that he was not a clerk Imt, highest key he could assume. 
 
 the silent partner, holding about .■»!47"),0<)() " I'cnt ! Kent! House rent, you know! 
 
 worth of tttoik in the uoucern, and tliat ho He siiys he can't pay his himsc rent to-day I" 
 
 just wtirked from pure love of employment. "Kent day V" echoed old (tlasfonl, "yea, 
 
 Mr. Bo.stwick checked tlie old gentleman oh yes, tliat's past, two weeks ago ; first of 
 
 about ten feot away from his customer, and the month." 
 
 leaning ovor tiic counter so as to get as ch)sc " Vcs," .nhrieked Mr. Bostwick, while the 
 
 range ()n his ear ;;.-i possible, whispered stor. full of cust(mier8 xmd bis fellow clerky 
 
 a futile effort to cati b 
 ear, intending t(» pour 
 ]toiirs water 
 • I I brisUl> 
 
 r as one 
 lii« landl 
 
 1 
 
 hoarsely that "it woiiMiVt be convenient to 
 pa}' tliat rent to-day. " 
 
 " I ley ?" shouted the old man, l...king at 
 Bostwicks agitated face in some alarm. 
 "why, why, whas tin: matter.' S hap- 
 pene I ':" 
 
 Mr, i'ostwick madp 
 hold of tlie old man's 
 his ex[)lanation into 
 into a funnel, but 
 
 dodged and waved Bostwick away with an 
 expression of considerable apprehension. 
 Mr. Bostwick groaned and endeavoured to 
 explain to the old gentleman in a manner 
 that Would convey to the pretty customer 
 and the others in the store the idea that he 
 was refusing to give the old party credit, 
 and at the same time old (ilasford knew 
 that ho was bankrupt. 
 
 'M'an't do it!" he shouted. 
 
 "Can't do what?" inquired the mystified old 
 gentleman in those stentorian tone.s so popu- 
 lar with deaf people. 
 
 "Can't help you ! " shouted Bostwick, in 
 tones the sternness of which contrasted lu- 
 dicrously with the sheepish expression of his l 
 countenance. "Can t do anything for you ! " | 
 
 The old man looked at Bostwick in a help- 
 less wonder and then at the door, with his 
 mind half made up to run away, under the 
 impn ssioii that tlie young man was crazy. 
 .He tiiially stared at him in opcn-moutheil 
 auiuzeiih lit and speechlcfs bewitdeniicnt. 
 
 "Oh, Moses," thnu;.;ht jkistyi |ii|l, "|it'i 
 jid as a hornet, he'll iircak oll|i ||| 8 hilmue: 
 
 dm aiiniu, 
 
 stood around and smiled, " I know it, but I 
 can't pay it to-day ; haven't got a cent I " 
 
 "(»h!" exclaimed the ohl num, with a 
 gleam of inteligenee passing over bis face, 
 •• I don't caie aliout that ; that isn't what i 
 • iUite lor. I came to tell yoU if your wife 
 wanted tliat front vooiu downstair" prei'ared, 
 to go jihead and bave it d«>ne, and \ \ albiw 
 it. 
 
 The pretty customer wouldn't have a word 
 to say to tlie di-ieoinlitcd Mr. Ho.st\\iek when 
 he went back, and the old man loUl the \>io- 
 niu'tor as he went out of the door that he be 
 lieveit that y^ung man was junt alxnit halt 
 erazy, and the clerks were all so pleaaai\t 
 that Bostwick nearly wont mad every time 
 he was reminded of his unfortunate precipi- 
 tancy, and that is the way he became con- 
 vinced that it was altogether lighter than 
 vanity to rent of a deaf man. 
 
 ( anad as a hornet, 
 I tnou llr' will." 
 ( In a voi.^e like a 
 
 Then he trie( 
 steam whistle. 
 1 I'lm't do anything for you ! " 
 The old man's mouth opened still wider, 
 
 !kud his eyes bIooiI around on his cheek bunea 
 n their amazement. 
 
 " Who asked you to do anything for me ?" 
 he finally gasped. "What is it ye can't 
 
 Special ProvldenceB. 
 
 There was wailing and woe in Burlingtown, 
 
 For every other day 
 The humid showers cametumbtinK down. 
 
 As ih y had come to stay. 
 
 Tliere was water enough in the land to spare ; 
 
 And men who were wont to prav. 
 When they looked in t tie cellar e«ich morn would 
 swear 
 
 And wrathfully turn away. 
 
 All out on South Hill they pumped and pumped 
 
 From morn till dewy eve, 
 Hut their every effort the storm-king trumped. 
 
 Ami laughed him in his sleeve. 
 
 Till the South Hill man his spirit was broke. 
 
 And he sate him down on his hill. 
 "Though T pump till my back cries out," he spoke 
 
 •• .Vv cellar still keeps its fill." 
 
 ■' Now lithe and listen good pump of mine. 
 
 If ever I touch thee more, 
 May never again the bright snn shine 
 
 As it shone In the days of yore." 
 
 Then he took his pump and he hung it up 
 Where It piiKnt not naunt his sight, 
 
 And he drowned his grief in the poisonous cup 
 Which " moveth itself aright." 
 
fit of deapera. 
 t np. 
 
 y !" he shriek- 
 a8 so shocked 
 an aud paper 
 
 the ohl man, 
 itiuk. 
 
 sly iiiterposeil 
 peaking; iu the 
 
 it, ymi kuDwl 
 rt.'iit to-«lay 1" 
 
 !;i.^toril, '• yt's, I 
 «;,'(> ; first tit 
 
 ek, while tlie 
 fellow clerk* | 
 now it, hut I 
 t a cent ! " 
 ninn, with h | 
 vrr his face, 
 . iau't what I 
 if your wife 
 air" prcrftretl, 
 antl I I all >w 
 
 t icive a won! 
 Kstwick when 
 
 ti>Ul the pro- 
 Kir that ho Vie 
 *t u\>iuit half 
 
 so pleasant 
 il every time 
 nato precipi- 
 became con- 
 lighter than 
 
 :lingtown, 
 ^ down, 
 
 id to spare ; 
 I morn would 
 
 and pumped 
 ng trumped. 
 
 oa broke, 
 lit," ho spoke 
 
 f mine, 
 ae 
 
 ( it up 
 isonoua cup 
 
 MR. BARINGER'S HOUSE-f'LEANlNU 
 
 89 
 
 And he vowed him that if the immortal goda 
 Would hold nil tlii'ir ruin for a wliile, 
 
 He'd bnild Mm ;i c<!lliirand take llie oddw - 
 On top of his domicile. 
 
 "For whul was the use," he grimly said. 
 
 " Of a collar in the g>'ound 
 Into the which, if \ m went for liicii't, 
 
 " You were preily sure lobe drowned i" 
 
 "I hate tlie cellar ; oh. winds of the south. 
 
 Thy I'ains. ns hiird as I ean ; 
 ' ish 1 eould sirikc tluMu Imtli with udrouth. 
 xelaiiiied the .South ilill iii^u. 
 
 He lifter', his eyes to the city road, 
 
 A conilin,' lij-cure to sean. 
 ^lui tt wild tiereo liuht in liisoptie.-> .glov\ed 
 
 When they |fli on the hated yaw man, 
 
 I He ciirricil hiH book and his railwiiy lamp 
 
 .\nd wore >■ sinister tiowi ; 
 .\ii>l he Houghi <Mii lu' meter in cellm> dnmp. 
 Villi h" no'isl ihe .igure<down. 
 
 And wh(!ther a man burned noich or •nail. 
 
 Or how often 'he gai* lUtoi » (»me. 
 Or wheiher they luriie<\ on ilieguw.il all. 
 
 The met r Jimleonn \v( the ^anu^ 
 
 Sothomanof ,H\\ulh lUII, wUm« ho sik\« hhu 
 eome 
 
 Snpiitisinn Ovaf he hmleonie th 
 llou^'li iifuoianre, ^ tUd. in touen full «lum, 
 
 " Vtni cut otl'm) nas last unuith." 
 
 The gttM is\iuih" winked, and eke us he wnnk, 
 
 \[o <hvii>k his head knovvinglee, 
 .\nd aw though he8omethintfMU«nieion;dy thunk, 
 
 "We'll look at tlie uuiter, said he. 
 
 Then he opened the door of the cellar so damp, 
 And he stepped where the pump log had been. 
 
 And he went of HJght, with his book and his 
 lamp. 
 As the water he tumbled in. 
 
 " Oh, help ! " loud he shrieked as his noddle 
 came up. 
 " Hubbunbbnliip !" as his noddle went down. 
 While th^ man of South Hill on the cellar door 
 sill. 
 Was the happiest man in the town. 
 
 Splash ! Solash ! Bubbnlup ! in the cellar he 
 heard. 
 And Iw. hugged himself close in liis glee : 
 And whenever the gas man wou'i sputter a 
 word, 
 " Oh, eatcli hold of the meter ! " said he. 
 
 And he shut down the doors, and he locked 
 them no tight, 
 
 Anft into the well threw the key, 
 And. " Frovidpuee always and ever is right : 
 
 Rains and cellars are useful," said he. 
 
 Mr. Baringer's House-CIeajilng. ' 
 
 You see, Mr. Baringer hasonly been keep- 
 ing house about a year, and they took the 
 carpets up this spring for their first i^^encral ' 
 house-cleaninj^. Mrs. Baringer's motlier 
 wat9 there, because she said Olivia was a 
 mere child in such things, and she didn't be- 
 liere that Aristarohus was much better, and 
 it was better to have some one ayund who 
 could manage. The younsr people, however, 
 
 I felt very confident that they had, by numer- 
 ous consultations and many well-laid plans, 
 I reduced house-cleauing to a perfect science, 
 a system that had never yet been attiined by 
 i any ottier housekeepers, and they were all 
 impatient to get at work aud clean the whole 
 house, from garret to cellar, and have all 
 the pictures hack on the walls and carpets 
 nailed down again Vjcfore dark. They were 
 diseustfnl at tlie way other peojile cleaned 
 hnu.se, and Olivia thought it was ]ierfectly 
 woiiilerful how Ari.starchus could have such 
 lieaii. fully lucid and systematic ideas on 
 matters of \viiicli most men, and she would 
 Hay ii'ost women as well, were so di plorably 
 stupi'l and ignorant. 
 
 The stirrinji notes of the alarm clock 
 dragged Mr. Baringer out of bed at ."^ilS 
 A. M., aud ii> thought he felt intolerably 
 sh'epy for rive o'clock, but he didn't look at 
 the clock uitil he was tlreKsed. and then he 
 »va8 too Iliad to swear. He merely woke Mrs. 
 IVirin^er up n." tell her he'd lict a tliousand 
 <l(jllars Some wtupid had clirmged tli :il'\rm 
 aft<ir he set it and then ho Hoppeil down 
 oil a ]ouuge to sleep till daylight. 
 He awoke at half - past seven o'clock, 
 the h<Hi'i- at which, hy tlioir pre- 
 arranged system and calculations, ttio two 
 up-stairs l^^-d-room carp«?tH were to have been 
 iieaten and ."-eady to put down as soon as the 
 Huors were nry. rhen the kituheu hre went 
 out twice, and they rinally sat down to 
 breakfast at half-past eiglit o'clock, Mrs. 
 Baringer's mother bej^iiling the time during 
 that matin meal hy iw*king Olivia if she 
 minded how she used to be half through her 
 house-cleaning by nine o'clock in the morn- 
 ing. But M Baringer bore up very well 
 under it, and immediately after bn akfa.it, he 
 took up the bed-room carpets. It was slow 
 work, jerkiog the tacks out one at a time. 
 Some times they ilew up into his face ; some 
 times he pulled the head otl' and left t->' tack 
 in the door ; and when they got to be rather 
 thickly scattered around the room he putliis 
 knee down on one occjisionally and talked in 
 a fragmentary maimer about i eiT in mill 
 privileges in connection with lionsekte) ng 
 which Mrs. Baringer couldn't understand. 
 At last he noticed that by lifting up the edge 
 of the carpet, a gentle pull wonld r.riug up 
 half a dozen tacks in rapid kuii tgsion. 
 Happy thought. He rose to his leot. _'-r--ted 
 the bound edge of the caroet in both hauds- 
 gave a mighty lift and a tremendous pull 
 k-r-r-r-r-r t ! and when the dust settled a 
 little, Mrs. Baringer and her mother were 
 discovered standing in the door, looking in 
 speechless horror at Mr. Baringer, who stood 
 like an image of despair, holding a '.arpet 
 with a fringe in one hand, and a long line of 
 carpet binmng in the other. 
 
AN AUTUMN REVERIE. 
 
 yon 
 
 Id it?" ahriekeii Mrs. " and maybo you ilidii't tear the carp 
 
 stairs, either/' . ff*; 
 
 '• I wish yctur old car|»ot was in Hali ".** *. | 
 he said, savagely. " Pick up that end ; }"I{ | 
 get throught it. This is sweet w«rk I '* .*l 
 dry-^'oods'saleHinan, anyhow ! Kea»ly ? 'f rooKB| 
 
 "Ho A- did 
 Baringer. 
 
 " How ev"7- did you do it !" echoed Mrs. 
 Baringer's mother. 
 
 Then they both said something al)out the 
 general incapaoit}' of a man, and Mr. Barin- 
 ger endeavoured to explain that in going 
 •cross the room for the tack hanimer lie had 
 caught hid foot in the odge of the carpet, with 
 the result as abovo. And at, the ccmclusion 
 of his ex])hiii.ation, Mrs. Baringer s mother 
 gave a snill tli.at blew dust out of the i;arpet, 
 and there was a general expression of 
 incredulity on the faces of the con^'rega- 
 tion. 
 
 It was a long time before they got the 
 carpets down in the yard, and on the line. 
 Then Mr. B;iringerapproaciied and smote the 
 first carpet with a long stick, and the next 
 instant he was feeling his way out of a <lense 
 cloud of dust, coughing, sneezing and snort- 
 ing and wildly gasping for air. He went around 
 on the other side, and as he aimed a terrilic 
 swipe at the carpet, ho struck the clothes i 
 prop, and his nerveless arm stung and tingled 
 to his nook, while his wail was luard down 
 to the city building. Then he got at it again, 
 and found that his stick was too li),ht, nnd 
 he took another one. A few strokes sufficed 
 to convince him that it was too heavy, and 
 he took a lath. That broke in two at the 
 first blow, and he tried an apple switch, but 
 it was too limber. He finally gave up the 
 idea of beating any more, and called to Mrs. 
 Baringer that the carpet was ready to be 
 shaken. Mrs. Baringer, with her head in an 
 apron, came out. They gathered the carpet, 
 and Mr. Baringer got the start of her and 
 shook a roll clear down to her hand-s, explod- 
 ing in a loud snap and a volcano of dust in 
 her face. Then she dropped the carpet 
 and sneezed and protested. 
 
 " You shook too quick, deary," she 
 said. 
 
 "But you said you were ready, sweety," 
 replied Mr. Baringer. 
 
 "But you needn't be so rough, lovey," she 
 protested. 
 
 "Well, I have to shake hard to get the 
 dast out, ducky," he insisted. 
 
 "Well, you needn't be so cross about it, 
 deary, " she said. 
 
 " Oh well," he said, " you must expect 
 hard work house-cleaning days, and you 
 musn't lose your temper, sweety." 
 
 " It isn't me that gets cross and jerks peo* 
 pie around, lovey," she said, "it's you." 
 
 "I never jerked you around,^' he re- 
 torted. 
 
 " Why, Aristarchus Baringer! " excla,imed 
 his wife, making very large eyes at him and 
 speaking in tones of the greatest amacement, 
 
 "Ao," she snapped, " 1 ain't ready. 
 
 )r 
 ,1 
 
 wait. There. 
 
 now : don t 
 
 HoM on 
 such a hurry. Now!" 
 
 And the next instant the carpet 
 snapped out of her hands, and it did seei 
 tliough her fingers had gone ^^•lth it, v 
 Mr. Baringer, pretending not to know 
 it had fallen from her ringers, kept on s 
 ing violently at his end, tilling tlic air 
 dusC and grit. At this juncture Mrs. 
 inger's mother, who had been a quiet spi 
 tor of tiie carpet ihaking scene, approat 
 and i;:ille I on him to desist. Then she gatl 
 ed up the vacant end of the carpet. 
 
 " Aristarchus," she said kindly but tin 
 " Olivia is not strong enough for .-iuch woi 
 
 'I'heii she added : 
 
 " Have you got a good hold, Aristarchii 
 
 And Mr. Baringer said he had, 
 
 " Don't lit go then, AristarcL 
 Heady." 
 
 They lifted tlieir arms high in the air a 
 Mr. Baringer is undecided yet which part 
 him started lirst. He walked up the wl 
 length of that carpet on his hands and tl 
 he fell over the edge and banged along 
 walk on his hands and knees until he reac 
 the front fence, through which he plun, 
 his head, and would have gone on throi 
 but for his shoulders catching against 
 gate post. Tilt! carpets did not go do' 
 that day, and a big Irishman was engaged 
 come and welt the fuzz off them, Mr. Bi 
 inger having privately and with some asper 
 informed his wife that \ie would rather li\1 
 sleep, and eat in dirt up to his eyes, t' 
 ever again to sweep, beat, or shake tl 
 lightest carpet ever trodden by the foot 
 man 
 
 bfory- . 
 
 ghosts! 
 
 every 
 
 that 1| 
 
 drowsj 
 
 neaa, 
 
 bed, 
 
 'd'ut 
 
 hair 
 
 inutHel 
 
 tivelyl 
 
 only 
 
 close! 
 
 can tl 
 
 place 
 
 An Autumnal Reverie. 
 
 "Oh dreamy haze: veiling the raurmuri 
 river that stretches away hke a silver thre« 
 under a mosquito bar, windiii'^ in woodc 
 nooks and creeping through low lying islano 
 where the balmy breeze is redolent with tl 
 odour of dead leaves and dead fish. 
 lovely haze; what dreams of soulful tende 
 ness its name recalls. Oh, musty hays in tl 
 street car; oh, hays that used to be fall ( 
 bumble bees; oh, hazel nuts on another man 
 farm with a big dog hid in the patch. Awa; 
 these memories are too painful. 
 
 " Afar, the hillsides glitter in gold tol 
 scarlet, and the sumach bashes, olimbine tl 
 slope with their nodding plumes, look lik^ 
 new exj^ess waggon coming down Diviswi 
 
 I 
 
 in tht 
 plaint 
 seven 
 take 
 (This 
 and n 
 " V 
 
 days- 
 dark 
 tUatl 
 dark 
 woul( 
 bring 
 tiling 
 out, 
 knoc 
 isn't 
 we b 
 Uke 
 drap 
 scat) 
 
 busi 
 sane 
 cup 
 and 
 pui 
 
 WOI 
 
 edi 
 thii 
 tha 
 
AN AUTUMN UEVEKIB. 
 
 91 
 
 t tear the carpJ 
 
 ••I'et was iij Hali| 
 *ick up tlifi; end; 
 
 is sweet work 
 yhow ! Keady ? 
 
 i ain't ready. 
 n now; dont l.| 
 
 ^iit thf) carpet 
 N ami it (lid see 
 gone v.ith it, \\\ 
 ig not to know 
 I'^'era, kept on s 
 
 filling the air 
 juncturt! .VI ra. 
 been a quiet spuj 
 K scene, approan 
 
 Itreet. The mellow air l)riugs into the city 
 ;lie ru8tle of fallen leaves piled <luep on 
 iuding uow-patht), threading through quiet 
 lella and winding along the side of purling 
 irooks. It brings an odour of something 
 )Id. Because it blows over the cheese fac- 
 tory. 
 
 How faint and far oil' uvery sound. The 
 Ighosts o' the dead sununer tiowers sigh in 
 Icvery hn /»;, and tho piiantoin ot the cow 
 Ithat I'lUted the freight train ♦^inklea her 
 drowsy lietl afar. Ami in ntutlleil tender- 
 ness, as a falling star ini<4lit diop on a feather 
 'bed, we hear the teamster's cheery call, 
 (J'up V ye liip-eared spavin, 'r 111 Inm the 
 hair off ye witli a (ii.-iy pin.' And the 
 muffled creak of the W(i( I waggon falls plain- 
 
 t. I'lien she gati tively on the ear. Eigut dollars a cord, and 
 
 the carpet. 
 
 i<l kindly but Hi 
 
 >U!.'h for such woi 
 
 liohl, Aristarchii 
 he had. 
 hen, AristarcL 
 
 high in the air . 
 (1 yet wliicli part 
 liked up the wl 
 lis hands and t 
 I banged along 
 lees until hereac 
 
 which heplun, 
 e gone on throi 
 Jtching against 
 
 <Ud not go do 
 lan was engaged 
 "them, Mr. B, 
 with some aspen 
 would rather liv 
 
 to his eyes, t 
 ^t, or shake tj 
 '1 l>y the foot 
 
 overle. 
 
 ig the murrauriil 
 ke a silver fchr 
 adin- in wood^ 
 low lying island 
 adolent with tlj 
 
 dead fish. 
 •f soulful tendel 
 lusty hays in tlj 
 ed to befall 
 on another man j 
 »e patch. Awaj 
 ul. 
 
 ter in cold 
 68, ch'inbing t 
 mes, look lik^ 
 down Diviafon 
 
 only cut three feet long at that, and piled so 
 closely that when you go to measure it you 
 can throw a felt hat tluougli the pile any 
 place and never touch a stick. 
 
 " List to the jilaintive pijjing of the (lUtil 
 in the stublde. Ah, (juail on toast, and the 
 plaintive pijiing of the anxious waiter for 
 seveuty-tive cents, Avaunt, dull dotard, 
 take thy blank shadow from the lairy scene. 
 (This remark was addressed to the waiter, 
 and not to the quail on toast.) 
 
 " Why, in thfoc dreuuiy ^uk autumnal 
 days — we don't know what kind of a day a 
 dark day is, but we wanted another word 
 that begins with d and could only think of 
 dark and another one, and the other one 
 wouldn't do at all ; these kind of days then, 
 bring with them a sad— a sad — sad some- 
 tiling, we knew what it w as when we started 
 out, but stopping to explain about that dark 
 knocked it clear out of our head ; sad — it 
 isn't sadiMe, nor Sadduceo, nor — ah yes, now - 
 we hare it. These dreamy days, that come 
 like a tender poem, veiled in the delicate | 
 drapery that hangs over the distant land- 
 scape, bring with tnem " 
 
 At this critical juncture a man with a 
 business-like look in his eye burst into the 
 sanctum, slapped his hat down on the paste | 
 cup, banged a sample case on the ink stand, j 
 and proceeded to remark in one long un- ; 
 punctuated sentence, "Good morning not a I 
 word my dear fellow I know the value of an I 
 editor's time I wish you just to glance at ' 
 this prospectus of the most valuable woi k I 
 that has ever been issued from the American 
 press it is the American Centennial Portrait i 
 (Jallery and yon will observe contains ex- 1 
 quisita steel engravings full page of all the i 
 Presidents with the autograph of each ap- ) 
 pended and complete biographical sketohas. i 
 Observe that engraving of Washington 
 through this glass if you please bank note 
 •ucraviog not more pei^ect not a single line 
 crossas or becomes merged into another on* 
 
 what expression what fidelity to nature 
 what marvellous portraitup.' v\liat minuta 
 attention to detail. Notice the iolds in th« 
 cloak and the ez((uisitely pencilled pattt^rn of 
 the ruffles at the wrists. And so with An.^ms 
 and Jefierson and Madison and Monroe and 
 Jackson and all the rrst of tliem with l>io- 
 graphical sketches compiled from the best 
 authorities with facts incidents and rtndnis- 
 cences never before pu')lishud — a l)ook that 
 no American of intelligence should be with- 
 out a book without a rival in its field of 
 patriotic biographical excellence. In differ- 
 ent styles of binding— .^rJi Oi), ^i M, and 
 $4 'it"). Now, sir, shall I have your name 
 right here ?" 
 
 We felt all around the room before we 
 could catch our breath, and when we re- 
 gained it we told liim we didn't believe we 
 could put ^ 25 worth of signature anywhere 
 that morning, and after a struggle of lifreen 
 or twenty minutes with him, we got him 
 close enough to the stairway to pusii him 
 over the railing and hear<l hini reach the 
 ground door and dit'appear into the street 
 and around the corner witli the lou;,' intro- 
 ductory sentence of his prospectus trailing 
 after him like the dribbling shower of a run- 
 away street sprinkler. And we went on 
 with the dreamy, sad, sweet reverie : 
 
 ' ' The tender song of a day whose world- 
 less beauties haunt the mystic scene; the 
 dreamy, vague, imperfect memories that 
 bring ' 
 
 A man with a black coat and a hi<^h hat 
 came softly into the sanctum, and after he 
 laid a flat oil cloth case on the table, he lilted 
 his hat off with both hands an<l said, speak- 
 ing in soft anil distressingly deliberate tones, 
 and articulating with awful distinctness and 
 precision : 
 
 "Ah — is the editor in ?" 
 
 We imparted the desired information, and 
 the deliberate man went on, 
 
 "I have taken the liberty to call on a 
 matter of some importance to yourself, as 
 well as to the great masses of the American 
 people. I have here the artist's proof of 
 a new ker-romo entitled 'Columbia.' It is 
 a Centennial allegory, and is designed by 
 Mr. Alfred Reynolds 'Vincenzo Fitzdaub, 
 one of the most eminent artists of America, 
 at immense outlay of time, labour and money. 
 The tube colours used on the original paint- 
 ing alone cost seven dollars and a half, while 
 the oan • vas, when prepared and stretched 
 for the pict • ewer, was worth nearly double 
 that sum. Here ,vou see, we have in the 
 foreground Columbia, her sandalled feet rest- 
 ing upon the broking canning to signify that, 
 war is no more. At her right hand sits the 
 American eagle, ger-rasping the olive b«r- 
 ranch of peace in his talents, and lifting nis 
 
.«•• 
 
 IMAGE EVALUATION 
 TEST TARGET (MT-3) 
 
 r 
 
 4 
 
 £/ /a 
 
 
 «r 
 
 V 
 
 ^#/ 
 
 ^l 
 ^ 
 
 
 1.0 
 
 I.I 
 
 £ US 12.0 
 
 11.25 111.4 
 
 ■HI 
 
 1.8 
 
 ^i 
 
 e 
 
 /a 
 
 m. 
 
 
 
 '^i 
 
 7 
 
 Photographic 
 
 Sciences 
 
 Corporation 
 
 ^ ';^''^ 
 ^.V 
 
 23 WIST MAIN STREET 
 
 WEBSTER, N.Y, MSSO 
 
 (716)873-4503 
 

 
 ^"#^' 
 
 
92 
 
 AN AUTUMN REVERIE. 
 
 I 
 
 wings as though pluming himself for fe-light. 
 Here on the left we have the artisin in 
 working - dress, the statesman, the teacher, 
 the farmer, the sai • leure, representing the 
 various callings, and here rushes a train of 
 cars, while iu the background an old- 
 fashiouod stage cf)ach is disappearmg, il- 
 lustrative of the perrogeress of the past 
 hundred years. The original painting is 
 valued at S2,500, but these ker-romoswe 
 supply for $18 a piece, mounted ready for 
 framing. No man of culture or artistic taste 
 can afford to be without this ker - rorao. 
 The eye of a e >nuoisseur can not distinguish 
 it fer-rom an oil painting. Observe the trau- 
 spareuey of the atmosphere; notice the soft 
 natural blending of tlie high light and middle 
 tint nito the hazy shadows of the backger - 
 round, and the bold effects of the heavy 
 cul - louds tliat overshadow the past, where 
 the dim edges are (silvered with tiie sunlight 
 that ber - reaks fer-rom the veil of the few - 
 chewer. And here, yf*" observe, is a blank 
 tablet at the right of the rigewer of Columbia, 
 for a family record. Only eighteen dollars. 
 They will be ready for delivery about the 
 first of Jewen, and if I may have the plea- 
 sure of seeing your signature in this book, 
 just here, it will cost you but thetrifling sum 
 of eighteen <lollars, and establish more fully 
 the reputation you have already acquired as 
 a man of culture and relined taste." 
 
 We got rid of him after a heated session 
 of about half an hour, and he went away, 
 mourning over the depravity of a man who 
 had acquired a reputation for culture and 
 refined taste under false pretences. Then 
 we resumed : 
 
 "Over the distant hills, hushed 
 misty haze that hangs like a veil of 
 over the motionless landscape, and 
 clouds, like drifting air - ships on the 
 expanse of melting blue, bring the 
 
 iu the 
 peace 
 fleecy 
 broad 
 sweet 
 
 A man with a mahogany box came iu and 
 sat down, and talked as he opened it, and 
 displayed a variety of phials and boxes. 
 
 "The p'^ofession of literature, my dear 
 sir," he said, "is of all others under the 
 ban of the fell destroyer, dyspepsia, and it is 
 especially in the spring of the year that 
 literary woi'kers suffer most keenly from ita 
 dreadful effocts. An ounce of prevention, 
 etc. — you know the old saying. Now I 
 can see by your lieavy eyes that you are 
 at this moment suffering from headache. This 
 " Centennial Cordial and Amerioac Indian 
 Aboriginal Invignrator" is one of the latest 
 and most valuable discoveries in the world 
 of medical science, and has popitively no 
 ^ eqnal for the cure of junndice and all manner 
 of liver diaorders, headache, indigestion, want 
 of appetite, dyspepsia, bilious, remittent *nd 
 
 ! intermittent fevers, ague, giddiness of t 
 ! head, rheumatic affections, poverty or i' 
 I purity of the blood, salt rheum, teethiii 
 i cholera morbus, croup, ophthalmia, asthni 
 ! hay fever, sea-sickness, diphtlieria, catarr 
 j toothache, sleeplessness, gray hair, piniplt 
 : tan and freckles, kleptomania, emotional i 
 ' sanity, growing pains, stone bruise, rattl 
 ; snake bites, jim-jams, katzeniammer, tij; 
 ; boots, bad breath, warts, soft coins, o 
 clothes, tailor's billS; spring fever and a: 
 I other ills to whiih human flesh is heir. Con 
 ' pounded purely of herbs and the lines 
 I cologne spirits, and selling at the ridiculou;- 
 ly low price of i$l.7o per bottle. Now sii 
 
 ; let me " 
 
 j And we let him out of the door r.nd h 
 went away, after marking us for the toinb i 
 a few short weeks. And then we tried i 
 : get back to our reverie. 
 
 " The sweet daj's come and go, in halloa 
 
 ed rythmic cadences, like the half for^'ottt i 
 
 ' chords of some tender, sobbing nocturm 
 
 ' while they bring the " 
 
 ' "No, sir, this is not the tobacco factor\ 
 ' it's the next building up the street. — Thaiil 
 \ heaven, he's gone. " 
 
 " bring the sad yearnint; of a restless 
 
 heart, that reaclic? out amid the hccti 
 flushes of the dying year, as it would clas; 
 
 the " 
 
 " No ma'am, we don't want to buy 'Th 
 Centennial Gift Book for young Ladiesi ;' m . 
 we have no young lady friends ; we have n 
 friends of any kind ; wo have no sisters, o 
 brothers, or relations, we have no money, v< 
 have no literary taste, we have no desire t 
 read anything ; we can't read, and we don 
 know anybody who can. " 
 
 " amid the hectic flushes of the dyia; 
 
 year, as it would clasp " 
 
 "Have no use for a flytrap, sir; duu 
 keep house ; ain't married ; don't exptict i 
 be ; haven't seen a fly in Iowa for a thousani 
 years." 
 
 lame 
 
 >?o, si 
 
 -the hectic flushes of the dying 3 oa; 
 as though " 
 
 " No, no, no ! this is not the barber shop 
 No, we don't know where the barber-shop is 
 there is none in this block ; there are no bar 
 bers in Burlington ; the nearest barber -shoj 
 IS at the North Pole. No, sir, you needu 
 apologize, we are not annoyed. Oood after 
 noon, sir." 
 
 " amid the dyinq flushes of the hocti' 
 
 year whose pulses throb so faintly that 
 
 "No, we don't want any 'Wonderful Sa 
 ponifier and Dirt Eradicator for the Toilet 
 and Laundry.' No, we have no family, au«i 
 we never wash ; never heard of such a thinp 
 I as a bath ; don't want to be clean ; never 
 shave, never olean oor naila, and have on th>> 
 
 jyear 
 
 iiv, wl 
 lotht' 
 don't I 
 (iovd 
 
 t)ing ll 
 In tint 
 
 ' iNc 
 ;he 
 thf 
 From I 
 
 ,d m 
 
 nice, 
 tcrruj 
 
 iiioue(l 
 'i,:ui' 
 we on 
 Afigh 
 iKin i 
 tins y 
 
 Ah 
 
 .lute < 
 -tweet 
 oloud 
 and t' 
 i,y PJ 
 ;uigel 
 and b 
 ija's c; 
 little 
 with i 
 1.1 pen 
 sn!:»vi 
 
 Mr 
 sweel 
 w ho < 
 Ithtl 
 
 "1 
 
 I 
 
 sti 
 
 sible 
 
 i;hilr 
 
 ter a 
 
 I'i 
 
 \Nef 
 
 old, 
 
 nuig 
 
 and 
 
 wlie 
 
 hire 
 
 and 
 
 plat 
 
 exc! 
 
 him 
 
(/■ 
 
 e, giddineaa of ti 
 ns, poverty or ir 
 b rheum, teethin 
 phthalmia, asthin 
 iputlieria, catarr 
 gray hair, pimpli 
 aui;), emotional i 
 bone hnijse, i-att] 
 itzenjainmer, tij;, 
 ', soft eoin.s. o 
 ring fever and a 
 Heshis lieir. Coir 
 )s and the fines 
 at the ridiculou'- 
 bottle. Now Hi I 
 
 F tlie door r.nd h 
 
 us for the tomb i 
 
 tlien we tried ( 
 
 wd go, in hallos, 
 bho liaif for„^)tt( i 
 obbing nocturm 
 
 tobacco factoix 
 le street, — 'l'hai!l 
 
 ninrr of a roatlcss 
 mid the h(n;tii 
 ' it ^yould i'!,a:; 
 
 tut to buy 'Til 
 ung Ladiefi ;' n. 
 ids ; we have n 
 ^e no sisters, o 
 ve no money, m^ 
 ave no desire t 
 d, and we doii^ 
 
 les of the dyin- 
 
 trap, sir; <iou 
 don't expect t 
 a for a thousam 
 
 the dying yea; 
 
 e barber-shoji 
 barber-shoi) rs 
 lerr are no bar 
 Bst barbershof 
 ir, you needn 
 Oood after 
 
 of the heoti 
 ntly that— 
 
 Wonderful Sa 
 for the Toil.!t 
 no family, aii.i 
 I such n thiiip 
 I dean; never 
 id have on th«' 
 
 INFANTILE SCINTILLATIONS. 
 
 «>?».( 
 
 lame shirt we wore the day we were born, 
 JJo, sir. Yes, sir. Good afternoon. " 
 
 ' amid the flying duahes of the pulsing 
 
 year whose hectics faint so throbly that " 
 
 ' ' Yes, sir, this is The. Havkeye office. No, 
 3U', we do not buy sand ; no, we have no old 
 (jlotlies to exchange for tin ware ; no, we 
 dout want any superior stove blacking. 
 f/o«f/ afternoon, sir." 
 
 '- — —amid the dusting tisLes of the throb- 
 bing hectics whose painted ear ia tbrooming 
 In tlu! gulch, so faintly lleani the glib and 
 
 [Note by the editor. We entered 
 
 he oflice at this point and found 
 
 the writer of the above in convulsions. 
 
 Fiom the ravings of his delirium we gather- 
 
 I'd that he was trying to write something 
 
 nice, and was tormented by innumerable in- 
 
 tcrruptions. Medical assistants were sum- 
 
 liiuned, and we were told to keep the young 
 
 'iiui's head cool and he would get «ell. So 
 
 we cut it off and had it packed in ice. It 
 
 \ eighed two and a half ounces. The young 
 
 nan is doing nicely and will not need it again 
 
 this year.] 
 
 Infantile Scintillations^ 
 
 Ah, yes, we do love children. We fairly 
 lute on them, and enjoy and admire their 
 sweet, innocent ways, from the dear little 
 olf^udy-faced bare legged cherubs that swear 
 mill throw stones at you as you go past Hap- 
 jiy Hollow, to the sweet-faced but pampered 
 •uigil that sits in the golden lap of luxury 
 and breaks the mirrors and your head with 
 i>a"s cane. It was purely our love for the 
 little innocents that induced us to comply 
 with the urgent request of many parents, and 
 upon a department in The Havkeye for the 
 sn)art sayjngs of precocious children. 
 
 Mrs. H— y B— k, of North. Hill, has a 
 sweet little rosebud, of four bright summers, 
 wlio c.une into the house and lisped, "Ma, 
 Iththutheepy." 
 
 " What makes you sleepy ?" asked Eose- 
 ^1 'is mother. 
 
 ■ I don't know," munnured the child. 
 
 strange yearning after the iucompreheu- 
 sille in an infant heart. Could any of the 
 iliildn n of an older growth have made a bet- 
 ter atiswer ? 
 
 liien there is little Freddy L , out on 
 
 V\ fst Hill. Although he ia but thres years 
 old. hf nut his father's watch in the shaving 
 mug, idled the mug out of a kerosene lamp, 
 and aet the ^mixture in the oven to dry, 
 w here it presently dried — soon after the 
 hired girl mado up the breakfast tire— with 
 sucli abruptness chat three of the stove 
 plates haven't been found since. After the 
 oxcilement had subsided, his mother took 
 him on her lap, and said: 
 
 "Freddy, did you put papa's watch and the 
 
 mug full of oil in the oven ?" 
 
 And the dear child, opening wide his in- 
 nocent eyes, and smiling in tender confidence 
 in her face, said placidly : 
 " No ma'am 'deed I didn't." 
 Sweet, cautious instinct of an untried heart. 
 Could any of us get out of it any better than 
 that ? Who can tell what vague, uncertain 
 dreams of congressional honours float thrrngh 
 that busy little mind 'i 
 
 Johnnie K- is a charming little cherub 
 
 of four bright springs. One day he poured 
 the ink into the globe where the gold-fish 
 were, submerging them instantaneously in 
 total eclipse ; then he put the Bible in the 
 fire, threw a bronze paper w eight through 
 the looking glass, broke four eggs in his sis- 
 ter's new hat, and wound up his artless 
 sport by throwing the cat down the cistern. 
 His mother, seeing all this n.iscbief, sus- 
 pected who was the author, and sought lier 
 son. 
 
 " Johnny," she said sadly, " Why did you 
 act so naughty V" 
 
 " I didn't," he persisted. ""Deed, muzzy, 
 it was ze cat!" 
 
 iSweet child! Does it need the prescience 
 of a pr(>phet to see that he will some day 
 
 I make an excellent witness in a great scandal 
 
 I case ? 
 
 t 'I hen there i.s another sweet little tid- 
 
 j toddler out on Seventh-street. The other 
 day one of his parents, the female one, put 
 him to sleep ami laid him in his little crib, 
 and then she rair over the street to ask Mrs. 
 Muldoon how she washed flannels, and got 
 to talking about the last funeral, and the 
 mission circle, and the new preacher, and 
 forgot all about the baby, and when she went 
 home there that dear little blessed was fiat 
 on his back, with his little crib lying on top 
 of him, and he yelling like a scalded pig. 
 
 Ah, the wild, weird ventures and dreams 
 of child life. Try it gray-haired man ; see if 
 you can fall out of bed and flop your bed- 
 stead, slats, springs, mattress and all, on top 
 of you as you laud on the floor. You can not 
 do it, but the tid-toddler of three sweet 
 summers — ah, well, who shall say how their 
 untried instinct shames the lore and know- 
 ledge of our elder years. 
 
 Settling under Diffioultles 
 Strangers visiting the beautiful city of 
 Burlington have not failed to notice that 
 one of the handsomest young men they meet 
 is very bald, and they fall into the usual er- 
 ror of attributing this premature baldness to 
 dissipation. But such is not the case. Thia 
 
 Soung man is one of the most exemplary 
 ible-olass scholars in the city, went to a 
 Baptist sociable out on West Hill one night 
 
ii8' 
 
 HAWK-BTETEMS. 
 
 \ 
 
 about two years ago. He escorted three I 
 chaiminj^ gii'ls, with angelic countenancea i 
 and Immau appetites, out to the refreshment ; 
 table, ]«t them eat all they wanted, and then , 
 found 110 had left hia pocket-book at home, 
 and a doat" man that he had never seen be- 
 fore ac the cashier's desk. The young man, 
 with his face allame, bent down and said i 
 softly, 
 
 ' ' I am ashamed to say I have no change 
 with " 
 
 " Hey ? " shouted the cashier. ' 
 
 "I regret to say." the young man repeated ' 
 on a Utile louder Icey, " that I have uufor- i 
 tuuately coiue away without any change i 
 to " 
 
 "CliMige two?" chirped the old man, ' 
 "Oh, yes, I can changa live if you want it.'" ' 
 
 "No." the young man explained in a ter- 
 rible, vutiefcrating whisper, for lialf a dozen | 
 people were (^i'owtlmg up beliind him, impa- i 
 tieut to' pay their bills and get away, "I: 
 don't Wiut any change, because " 
 
 "Oh, dou't want any change?" the deaf, 
 man cried, gleefully. " 'Bleeged to ye,' 
 'bleege I to ye. 'Taint often we get such 
 genonma donations. Pass over your bill. ' , 
 
 '•No, no," the young man explaincil, " 1 ■ 
 have no fund?! " 
 
 " Oh, plenty of fun, ' the deaf man replied, 
 growing tired of the conversation and notic- 
 ing the long line of people waiting with 
 money in tUeir hands, "but I haven't got 
 time to talic about it now. Settle and move <. 
 on." 
 
 " But," the young gasped out, " I have no i 
 money " 
 
 "Go Monday?" queried the deaf cashier. ! 
 " I don't care when you go ; you must pay i 
 and let tfiese other people come up. " ; 
 
 " I iiave no money 1 " the mortified young i 
 man shoutel, ready to sink into the earthy 
 while the people all around him, and especi- 
 ally the three girls he had treated, were gig- 1 
 mg and eliuckling audibly. i 
 
 "Owe money? "the cashier said, " of I 
 course you do : S'2.75. 
 
 " I can't pay ! " the youth screamed, and 
 by turning liis pockets inside out ami yelling 
 his poverty to the heavens, he tinally made 
 the deaf man understand. And then he had 1 
 to shriek Ins full name three tim< ), while his | 
 ears fidrly ran^,' with the half-stifled laughter j 
 that w.ia lireaking all around him : and he 1 
 had to scream out where he worked, and 
 roar when he would pay, and he couldn't get | 
 the deaf nan to understand him until some I 
 of the churcii members came up to see what 
 the uproar vas, and lecognized their young 
 friettd, audiuade it all right with the cashier. 
 Ad(1 theyquug man went out into the night 
 and clubbed himself, and shred hia loekii 
 awtvy until he was bald as an cgg« 
 
 Hawk-E]rtem8. 
 
 Homebody told Billinger that stamps wer« 
 not required on notes, and Billinger, overjoy- 
 ed, asked the crowd to drink, and said ho 
 pitied old Gunny})ags, who had been trying 
 for six months to (>et the stamps on a note ho 
 holds against Billinger. Billinger says he 
 knew he would get the law on the old gouge 
 if he held on long enough, 
 
 ' ' Put out, Bill ! " shrieked an engineer's 
 son to one of his playmates, a brakeman's 
 boy, who was in imiuineut danger of getting 
 smashed by his mother, whowascoming after 
 him, " Git on the main line and give her 
 steam I Hero comes the switch engine ' "' 
 But before the juvenile could get in motion, 
 she had him by the ear, and he was laid up 
 with a hot box. 
 
 A North Hill man refused to give his boy 
 thirty -five cents to go to, the minstrels, be- 
 cause the entertainment was demoralizing 
 and vulgar in its nature. He then bought a 
 quarter's worth of chewing tobacco, want 
 IioDio and read up the IVaPxh/ Moral Guiife 
 (Uid Guardian, and spat all over the front of 
 tlie Pto\'e, and mside the parlour smell so 
 iiinch like a stale bar-room that the baby had 
 three whiskey fits before ten o'clock. 
 
 A yoniig editor out iu Floyd County, gush- 
 hvt, overliis first, asks, "Did yon ever watch a 
 de.wlittlj ])aby waking from its morning nap?:' 
 N-not exactly ; but we have watched a dear 
 littk l)aby'3 fond pa gliding up and di \vn 
 the fireless room, trjdng to induce the dear 
 little Ijaby to take a mornhig nap, at 2:15 A. 
 M. — pressing offers but no takers— which was 
 about as much fun as it can be to see the 
 baby wake. 
 
 A man out on Summer-street has eight 
 di'.ughters, and v/hen they cleaned house last 
 spring, the woman raked 9,724 quids of 
 chewing gum down from tiie window casings, 
 chair backs, door panels and sofa backs, the 
 accumulation of the past winter. And this 
 does not include the wads which the man, at 
 various times sat down on and carried away 
 ou the tails of his coat, for which no accurate 
 returns have been made. 
 
 I'iveryVjody thought it was a match, and so 
 did he, and so did hIic. One evening at a 
 croquet party she hit her pet corn a whack 
 I with the mailet that sounded like a torpedo, 
 and lie— -he laughed. " We meet as 
 strangers," she wrote on he.- cuff and showed 
 it to hitn. " Think of me tea no more," he 
 whispered huskily, and when the g»4)<e* wan 
 elided h» rushed down t» the Misiiiiiippi* 
 and drowned f. 
 
 "daloon. fSoiTom 
 
HAWK-EYETEMS. 
 
 95 
 
 at stamps wer« 
 linger, overjoy- 
 k, and said ho 
 ad been trying 
 ips on a note lie 
 linger says he 
 the old gouge 
 
 an engineer's 
 a brakemau's 
 nger of getting 
 as coming after 
 and give her 
 itch engine ' "' 
 get in motion, 
 le was laid up 
 
 give his boy 
 minstrels, be- 
 
 1 demoralizing 
 then bought a 
 tobacco, want 
 ' Moral Gaiilc. 
 er the front of 
 "lour smell so 
 t the baby had 
 'clock. 
 
 County, gush- 
 u ever watch a 
 morning nap?'' 
 'atched a dear 
 jp and di \vn 
 luce the dear 
 ap, at 2:15 a. 
 rs— which was 
 be to see the 
 
 eet has eight 
 ned house last 
 '24 quids of 
 ndow casings, 
 ifa backs, the 
 ir. And this 
 h the man, at 
 carried aw.ay 
 sh no accarate 
 
 natcli, and so 
 jvening at a 
 >rn a Vrhack 
 ke a torpedo, 
 ""e meet as 
 F and showed 
 o more," he 
 le gatti^ Wan 
 MisilMSippi*^ 
 
 Id Middlerib came home one night and 
 tred a light lunch before going to bed. 
 1st a mouthful of tea and a l)it of bread," 
 jxplaiued. " Do you want just plain 
 id?" asked Mr^i. M., with reference t(i 
 Jpre.iouce or absence of nuttei". Ami the 
 Ireprjbate said iio would take one pi(ice 
 in, and the other witli a looped overskirt, 
 pad down the gore-i with the aame, and 
 in place witli knife pleatings of 
 )t! jelly. He got the lieol of the loaf. 
 
 ') wouldn't be sucli a (.'livistiau as you 
 
 fohti," Slid his wife, a.s .she stood in tlie 
 
 iway, dressed for churcli. "You could 
 
 nth me very well, if you wantcl to." 
 
 low can I?" he half sobbed. "There's 
 
 wood to be split, and tlie coal to be 
 
 relied over to the other side of the cellar, 
 
 [Wby to be dressed, and no disliea washed 
 
 Idinner yet." "Ah, I didn't think of 
 
 she murmured thoughtfully, and, 
 
 ^ig her new cloak a fresh hitch aft, sailed 
 
 l^oue. 
 
 pne night last summer a tired, di.scournged 
 out on North Hill went home and llung 
 liself down on a lounge, and said " lie 
 led he were dead, dead, dead." In two 
 Irs he was writhing in a premature and 
 leasonable attack of cholewi moibus, atid 
 rled, and prayed, and sweat, and had 
 doctors in the house, and drank a quart 
 medicine, and had mustard plasters 
 ired all over him, and we])t, and said he 
 iw'i half tended to, and he believed they 
 like to see him die. 
 
 Are the children safe ?" asks the iJlirls- 
 n Union. Quite safe, we assure you. 
 ley are up in the garret, playing hotel lire, 
 imie is the clerk, and is trying to slide 
 |wn the water pipe to the ground, Willie is 
 [guest, hanging to the window sill and 
 liting for the flames to reach his liand 
 fore he tries to drop to the shed roof, two 
 )ries below, and Tom is a heroic fireman, 
 Id has tied his fishing line around the baby's 
 |dy, and is letting it down ' to the ground, 
 yes, the children are all right : just 
 
 liah your 
 lildren. 
 
 call and don't fret about the 
 
 "Rents," said JMi". Middlerib, with a sigh 
 notunmixedsatistaction, "arecomingdown. 
 estenlay morning I tore the back off my coat 
 I the wood-sbed door, last night I snagged 
 e ^o^ndation of my trousers on a nail in a 
 )ore box, anil this morning I fell down on 
 le fi'ozei] sidewalk and split' the knee of the 
 iiU^ troi^sprs cleftr across, ilents are cer- 
 u^iy.getciog^ low^r. '' " Yes, " responded 
 lrf,,.MiddIiQirib, loQkjin^ agrpss toward the 
 "W. ^^r? <*t , % ^^ef»ring, macUijie , " ai^ , 
 eamatreasea are getting hire. ' Mr. Middld- 
 
 ! rib looked up at hi" spouse in vague aston- 
 
 ; ishment, as if for explanation, but she look- 
 ed sublimely unconscious, ;ui(l the good man 
 
 ' went off fiowu town with hi^ ;.;ii)kin tucked 
 niider his chin, wondei-in^i^ .-ill the way to the 
 
 I otiice if she meant it or if it was only his 
 interpretation. 
 
 I " A merciful man," tciulcrly remarked a 
 I Nintli-streeb man one Idtter cold -ianuary 
 i morning, " is merciful to \\'u beast," and he 
 i calle.d the dog in out of tlic s<now, ,aave him 
 1 hia bicaiiiast on a soup ])late, and laid a 
 I pic(!e ot carpet down Itciiind the kitchen 
 I stove for him to snooze on. Then the man 
 ' went down town, and the neighbours watch- 
 ed his wife shovel snow-jjaths to the wood- 
 shed, cistern, stable, and front gate, and 
 ' then do an hour's work cleaning off the side- 
 ' walk. 
 
 j Who does not love a faithful, honest dog, 
 man's faitliful friend V Aiul yet who is there, 
 j stT'etching out in the shade for a quiet after- 
 i noon nap, who has had man's faithful 
 ; friend come panting up, and, in an excess of 
 I honest affection, lay a great broad, hot 
 ; tongue over one's cheek, from chin to eye- 
 i brow, that does not get up and seize man's 
 i faitliful friend by tlie tail and one ear 
 i and try to throw him across a prairie iifteea 
 j miles wide ? 
 
 j The New York Herald pays : " Bake your 
 I ripe pear in a tart, and cat it with brandy and 
 I cream." We'll do it. Here, Alvaretto, 
 j bake us that ripe pear in a tart and dress it 
 with brandy and cream. What ! the pear 
 eaten ? Well, the tart crust and the trim- 
 mings. The tart gone ! I.s it possible ? Theq,i^.,, 
 the brandy and cream. Amazement ! no 
 cream? Ah, then, we must not net^leot 
 good advice. Bring what is left of there-. 
 cipe. 
 
 A monkey that can say "papa" and 
 "mamma" and "Brazil' is going to the 
 Paris exposition. America can send a don- 
 key that can say, " Haw — yaas, dweadful 
 baw : soiraboily wing faw the pwopwie« 
 tah." 
 
 - They have just found tho skin of anothfti'"" 
 Dane nailed to tlio oaken door of an old, . 
 old church in Englnnd. The skin isn't en-' 
 tire, only scraps of it remaining under the 
 broad fiat heads of the nails. It v^'as a plea- 
 sant way tlie Danes liad of destroying the 
 beauty of their criiniiiuls — they skinned, 
 them and tlicn nailed the skin to a cliurch 
 door. History decs not tell us how thd ui^« 
 fortunate victim employed himself' duritfj^' * 
 the operation, f)'ut it is quite likely thAtj,' 
 having uotliing elso'to do, lie waa into sqth^ ' 
 deviltry. ' 
 
HAWK-EYETEMS. 
 
 Old Mr. Troph went into the parlour the 
 other night at the witching hour of 11:45 
 and found the room unlighted and his daugh- 
 ter and a dear friend, one of the dual form 
 of garmenture variety, occupying a tete-a- 
 tete in the corner. " Evangeline," the old 
 man said sternly, "this is scandalous." 
 " Yes, papa, " she answered sweetly, "it is 
 candleless because times are so hard and 
 lights cost so much that Ferdinand and I 
 said we would try and get along with the i 
 starlight." And the old gentleman turned; 
 about in speechless amazement and tried to 
 walk through a panel in the wall paper. | 
 
 A woman out on North Hill, being count- 
 ed out the other morning, after a debate on 
 the question " Who shall arise and build the 
 fire ? " got up and split her husband's wood- 
 en leg into kindling wood, and broiled 
 his steak with it. It made him 
 •o mad that he got hold of 
 her false teeth and bit the dog with them. 
 She cried until she had a tit of hysterics, and 
 then Hipped out his glass eye and climbed 
 upon the bed post and waxed the glaring 
 eye to the ceiling with a quid of chewing 
 gum. Then he took her whisp of false hair 
 and tied it to a stick, and began whitewash- 
 ing the kitchen with it. Then she started 
 oft' to obtain a divorce, but Judge Newman 
 decided that he couldn t grant a divo'-ce un- 
 less there wei e two parties to the suit, and 
 there was hardly enough left of them to 
 make one. 
 
 " You don't look at all well," a venerable 
 gobbler out in a North Hill poultry yard 
 remarked to a melancholy -looking young 
 rooster, a short time before Thanksgiving 
 day. "No," was the reply, " I liave reason 
 to look solemn : I expect to die necks 
 tweak." The gobbler smiled grimly and I 
 
 {)ondered over the uncertainty of poultric j 
 ife as he slowly swallowed a two-inch bolt i 
 head. 
 
 The worst thing we have seen about Oliver 
 Wendell Holmes, and the only stain on an 
 otherwise irreproachable character, is that 
 he is the inventor of that parlour aggrava- 
 tiou known as the hand stereoscope; a vexa- 
 tious contrivance for which the pictures are 
 always too large to be crammed into the 
 springs or too small to stiLv in them, of which 
 the slide is always shoved oft' the end of the 
 stick in the vain efforts of the observer to 
 find a focus, and of which the glasses always 
 make you see the picture so double that it 
 gives you the headache and finally compels 
 you to peep over the top in order to gain 
 the information necessary to make some in- 
 telligent remark about the jumble you have 
 been staring at. 
 
 Mrs, Middlerib paused to take a iinal sur 
 vey of the table before she called the ladies 
 out to tea. She started as hr^r eyes fell upot 
 the plate of lemon tarts, '.'.'here were five 
 where there had been nine. She sought her 
 only son and put him in the witness box 
 He objected to her putting her own con 
 struction upon his answers, and was sub^ 
 jected to the usual punishment for contuma 
 ciousueas. And the next "composition 
 day" at school. Master Middleril) amaaed 
 his teacher by reading, as the title of his 
 essay, "The Lost 'i'arts, and why TTiey caii 
 Never be Recovered." 
 
 Sweet, gushing, artless girl ! Slie cam" 
 
 hmue just before the Christmas ..olidays 
 
 She went away from Burlington one Sep 
 
 tember; went to England first ; spent th« 
 
 winter in Italy; sauntered through Uerman' 
 
 in the spring, came back to America and 
 
 trifled away the summer at Saratoga, Lon/: 
 
 I Branch and the White Mountains; previoui 
 
 ! to this trip slie had been away to school fivt 
 
 : years, and when she jumped out of th' 
 
 I palace car into her father's arms, she said 
 
 ; impulsively, ' ' Oh, Paw, Paw, deah, deal) 
 
 Paw, tliay's no place like home !" And PawV 
 
 face was a study as he replied, " ^^ ell, no; 
 
 no; reckon not : must be c^uite a novelty to 
 
 ye." 
 
 A young man out on North Hill bought a 
 parrot st me months ago, and in anticipation 
 of the fact that he was going to be married 
 and go to the Centennial, he secretly taught 
 the parrot to say, " Welcome, thrice wel- 
 come home," every time anybody opened the 
 front door, thinking what a delightful sur- 
 prise it would be to his young wife to be 
 thus cheerfully welcomed home on their re- 
 turn. But while they were on their tour, 
 the nervous woman who was left in charge 
 of the house taught the parrot a new remark, 
 as a protection against burglars; and when 
 the young people came home on the night 
 train and let themselves in at the 
 hall door with a latch key, they were 
 shocked and appalled by a terrific shout of 
 " Thieves 1 thieves! Police 1 police! Here 
 Bull 1 here Bull ! Scatter, ye son of a thief, 
 or I'll tear your heart out ! " Next day th^i 
 parrot died, and the young wife now sa'J^s 
 she wouldn't stay alone in that house, lov; 
 for a divorce. 
 
 A Burlington naturalist last Sunday, while 
 investigating the causes and effects of the 
 poison of a wasp sting, nobly determined to 
 make of himsftlt a martyr to science, and ac- 
 cordingly handed his thumb to an impatient 
 insect he had caged in a bottle. The wasp 
 entered into the marlyr business with a great 
 deal of spirit, and backed np to the thumb 
 with an abruptneaa which took the loientiat 
 
HAWK-EYETEMS, 
 
 ike a iiual sur 
 lUed the ladiei 
 r eyes fell upot 
 'liere were fivti 
 She sought her| 
 e witness box, 
 her own con- 
 and was sub- 
 it for contutna- 
 ' composition 
 Idlerii) amaaed 
 he title of his 
 why They caii 
 
 i ! She cam" 
 niui ..olidays 
 igtou one Sep- 
 st ; spent tnt 
 rough Cierman; 
 
 America and 
 Saratoga, Lon/: 
 itaiiis; previou; 
 y to school fivt 
 ed out of th' 
 arms, she said 
 iw, deah, deali 
 e !" And PawV 
 u\, " i\ell, no; 
 te a novelty to 
 
 1 Hill bought a 
 in anticipation 
 
 5 to be married 
 secretly taught 
 le, thrice wel- 
 ody opened the 
 delightful sur- 
 lung wife to be 
 me on their re- 
 
 on their tour, 
 3 left in charge 
 ; a new remark, 
 ars; and when 
 I on the night 
 in at the 
 jy, they were 
 errific shcut of 
 
 police ! Here 
 I son of a thief, 
 
 Next day th^? 
 wife now so'^s 
 hat house, voM 
 
 Sunday, while 
 effects of the 
 determined to 
 cience, and ao- 
 )o an impatient 
 lie. The waap 
 IBS with a great 
 to the thumb 
 k the loientiat 
 
 iDy surprise. He was ao deeply absorbed in 
 
 [the study of remedies tliat he forgot to make 
 
 jany uotas of tijo otlier points in coiuieutiun 
 
 Iwith stiug-i, but hii wife wrote a pira;,iaph 
 
 liu his note-book, for the bt-n- -t of sci' ace, to 
 
 the effect that the primary effect of a wasp 
 
 IstiuG; is abrupt, blasphemous, and terrific 
 
 profanity, followed by an intense desire, 
 
 fairly amounting to a mauia, for ammonia, 
 
 1 camphor, and raw brandy. 
 
 One day, just after King Solomon hud 
 written a coiumii of 8(dii nonpareil wise and 
 moral proverbs, he took his eldest aori by the 
 elbow, led him dowi tlie b^ick stairs of the 
 palace, through the V)ack yaril, past the wood- 
 shed, out into the ailey, backe i him up be- 
 hind Ahithophel's wood-pile, looked warily 
 arouud to see that no one was listening, and 
 whispered into the young man's ear, " My 
 son, a little office in a spread-eagle life in- 
 surance company is lietter than a cart-load of 
 preferred .s! lick in the Optiir mines." And 
 then the mo arch threw his head on one side, 
 drew in his chin, shut one eye, and gazed at 
 Ids offspiing in silence. Turee years after- 
 ward, when the Great Hebraic Consolidated 
 Stormy Jonlan Life Assurance Company, of 
 which that intelligent young prince was 
 president, went into bankruptcy, the young 
 man was able to let his fatner, who was a 
 little short at tlie time, have 275,000 shekels 
 for ninety days, on liis simple note of haud. 
 
 They were very pretty, and there was ap- 
 parently five or six years difference in their 
 ages. As the train pulled up at Bussey, the 
 youager girl blushed, flattened her nose 
 nervously against the window, and drew back 
 in joyous smiles as a young man came dash- 
 ing into the car, shook hands tenderly and 
 cordially, insisted on carrying her valiae, 
 magazine, little paper bundle, ami would 
 Ttrobably have cirried herself had she per- 
 mitted him. Tue passengers smiled as she 
 left the car, and the muiinur went rippling 
 through the coach, "They're engaged." 
 The other girl sat looking nervously out of 
 the window, an 1 once or twice gathired her 
 parcels together as thougl . she would leave 
 the car, yet seemed to be expecting some 
 one. At last he came. He bulged iu at the 
 door like a hou^e on fire, looked along the 
 seats until His inxnly gazj fell on her up- 
 turnel, expectant face, roared, "Come on! 
 I've been waiting for you on the platform for 
 fifteen minutes!" grabbed her basket, and 
 strode out of the car, wh le she followed with 
 a little valise, a band-box, a paper bag full 
 of lunch, a bird-cage, a glass jar of jelly, and 
 an extra shawl. And a crastylooxing old 
 bachelor, in chi farther eu 1 of the c ir, creaked 
 out, m uaisoa with the indignant looks of the 
 paMengera, "They're married i " 
 
 Ml. and Mrs. Bilderback were walking' 
 slowly home from church one unday, whea 
 they met a young ladv of singular 
 beauty and sweetness of countenance, 
 who was quite lame. And Mrs. Bilderback 
 turning to her husband, said, " Did 
 you ever notice what a sweet, uncom* 
 plaining look of resignation rests like a halo 
 on the faces of young girls who are so sadlv 
 afflicted as the lady wno just passed us?" A.nd 
 old Bilderback said that indeed he had, and 
 he beifgel his wife to observe him 
 very closely, and notice what a sweet, 
 uncomplaining expression of peacesul 
 resignation spread itself over his face, 
 like a halo, or like a lump of butter on 
 a hot buckwheat cake, at such times as hil 
 corns tried him unusually bad. And she 
 only remarked casually that wlien they got 
 home she .vould hang a halo arouud his irrev* 
 erent head that would make what little hair 
 was left on it think the millennium was a 
 n- dlion years farther away than ever. 
 
 One bright May morning, when the build- 
 ing was at its busiest, a careless mason 
 dropped a half brick from the second story of 
 a building out on Jefferson-street, on which 
 he was at work. Leaning over the wall and 
 looking downwards, he discovered a respect* 
 able citizen with his silk hat scrunched over 
 liis eyes and ears, rising from a recumbent 
 posture. The mason, in tones of some appre- 
 hension, asked : "IJidi-hat brick hit any- 
 one down there ? " The citizen with great 
 difiiculty extricating himself from the glove- 
 fitting extinguisher, replied, with consider- 
 able wrath : "Yes, sir, it did ; it hit me." 
 " That's right," exclaimed the mason, in 
 tones of undisguised admiration. "Noble 
 man ! I would rather have wasted a thou- 
 sand bricks than had you tell me a lie abouk 
 it." 
 
 ' ' They had a rather odd race out at the 
 oil Acme ball grounds yesterday," Trotters 
 remM ked to Ponsonby when they met yes- 
 terday morning. "Jones rode his little 
 calico pony around the block, and Brown 
 rolled an empty fiour barrel the same dis- 
 tance, even start, for $iO. " "Jones beat 
 him of course?" said Ponsonby. "Brown 
 was a fool to make such a match." " Don't 
 be too sure," rejoined Trotters, " when they 
 reached the outcome, the barrel head ; 
 blowed if it didn't." Fonnoaby stared, 
 then slowly smiled, giggled and finally guf> 
 fawe I. " Go )d enough," he said. " rirgit 
 that off to Mrs. Ponsonby." So when he 
 went home he told her all about it. " Well," 
 said she, " that's just about as maoh sense 
 Ai I suppose I that precious Brown of youn 
 has. I am glad he lojt his money." "Oo 
 slow," yelled the delighted Ponsonby, 
 
HAWK-EYBTKMS. 
 
 :i^> -;!■ 
 
 doesn't often have a chance to sell his wife, I 
 "go slow I By George, Samantha, Browu i 
 b<"ac 1 " Aud Mrs. t'oasouby stared and said , 
 he mu Jt tluiik »ha was as bii; a tool a^ Browa. \ 
 *■ No, ' he said, uurrecciag himself, " uo, i 
 tuat waau't jusc ttie way of it, tlie barrel | 
 beaC, cnac'd it 1 i'ue barrel beat ; Brown ' 
 leu, did, tor a face, by Jove." Aad Mrs. j 
 Pousouby scornfully toid tiiai to go out to ! 
 the woodshod aad see if he could find any 
 sticks that would >{o into tue kitchen stove 
 — she couldn't. And Ponsouby coatidential- 
 ly told the gentleman who saws his wood an 
 inch and a, tialf too loug for every stove in 
 the house, tliat you might as well tell a joke 
 to asawoucu as to his wife, for she hadn't as 
 much coucejjrion of geuuine humour as a 
 cow. 
 
 ■ Tiie pajjera in this country are quite gen 
 erally (.lauusniug lae luliu wing //tot oi laiiey- 
 ra^a'd WuicU is read wii,u tue jjieauost eajOj • 
 oy ail olasdes ot newspaper reaueis : 
 
 it IS said ttiat the notorious M. De Man- 
 breuil, waose name of Jvlarquia d'Orvaulc 
 came so scandalously before the public a few 
 years past, proposed to have Napoleon assass- 
 inated, and the Abbe de Prade was in favour 
 of the scheme, and discussed its execution 
 with Talleyrand, and that the . following 
 words passed : 
 
 •' Comoieii vous faut-il ? " 
 
 "i)ix millions. ' 
 
 " UiX millions '.'" said Talleyrand, " mais 
 ce n esc rem pour debarrasdcr ia i^'rance d'ua 
 el tileau." 
 
 Tuis is pretty good, but it reminds us of a 
 much better oae, choagu it may besouitiwhat 
 old, wnion was related to us by lie v. Jasper 
 C. KomiUy, formerly of tins city, about 
 himself, ivlr. iioiniliy, whoso distinguishing 
 personal characteristic was au imaieuse biaoK 
 beard, was for some years a missionary at 
 Ugopogo, in Farther Imlia, aud ou one 
 occasion he diaed witli the Bugaboo of the 
 province. VVnen tne wine and walnuts were 
 brouglit in the Bugaboo said : 
 
 " >iarcharikai noi-to-po ke-tee nomki- 
 dom?" 
 
 '* Jappero pompety doodle de wouk klouk 
 kobbered jam,' replied >lr. Rjinilly. 
 
 '* )[owii.t' exclaimed the potentate, 
 "chiokero boobery hong doitg cnoi-ke*ree 
 yangsce' boi." 
 ' Tuis was, indeed, too good to keep. 
 
 Woman is a natural traveller. It in a 
 study to see her start otf on a trip by herself. 
 She oomes down to tne depot in au express 
 waggon curee hours before cram time. Sue 
 iusiSkS on sitting ou aer truu&, out on Cue 
 platform, to ueep it from being stolen. Sue 
 picks up her reucule, fan, parasol, luncu 
 DMket, small pot with a house plant in it, 
 
 shawl, paper bag of candy, bouquet (she 
 never travels wuhout one), small tumbler 
 aud extra veil, and caase.s hysterically after 
 every switch-eayine tnut goes by, under the 
 luipiUssion that it is het ti.iiu. Her voice 
 trembles as she preseuus herself at the res- 
 taurant aad tries to buy a ticket, aud she 
 knocks with the handle ot her parasol ou the 
 door of the old disused tool-house in vain 
 hoprs that the bag^^age man will come out 
 and check her truuK. She asks every body 
 in the ilopot aud ou Uie platform when ^er 
 train will .-^taii, and uiiei-e it will stand, and, 
 looking .-^iiaight at che great clock, asks : 
 "What time is it now;" She sees, with 
 terror, tne baggage man shy her trunk into 
 a ear where two men are smokiug: instead of 
 looking it up 0> itacii 111 a ia(ge strong, brown 
 car wita " Bad oimci , saop>, chalked on tiie 
 ciide, which ^he nas long ago de.ermmed to 
 
 .>e the i>a_4j,.*|je car 
 j>igut. Aiiu>ja^>i 
 
 as t^io o:ily bale one in 
 ae iii'st at cne uepoc, bUe 
 IS the lasb to ge^ ad ci'vii.eu ; and ouce on the 
 cars, sue sits, to tne end of uer journey, in 
 an agony of appreiieusioa that sue Aas got on 
 the wrong train aud will be lauded at some 
 strange scatiou, put in a close carriage, 
 drugged, aud murdered, and to every iaat 
 male passenger who walks down the aisle 
 she stands up and presents her Cicket, which 
 she invariably carries lu her hand. She 
 liually recognizes her waiting friends on tiie 
 piattorm, leaves the car in a burst of grati- 
 bU le, and the tiaiu is ten miles away betore 
 she remembers that tier reticule, fan, parasol, 
 iUiich basinet, verbena, shawl, candy, cumOier, 
 veil aud bouqueb, are oa the car seat wnere 
 sue left tnem, or at the depot in feoria, for 
 the liie of ncr she can't tell wnich. 
 
 A man may carry a load of guilt con- 
 cealed in his tortured soul for years,and liide 
 It wit;h a veneering ot iioUow, tieardess, de- 
 ceicfai sindes, buc it doesa c take tive min- 
 UDus for cne thougncless world to observe 
 aud uuderstitud tiie one-shoaldered gaic pf a 
 iiian whose larboard suspender button naa 
 parted. 
 
 How often a little careless action, a 
 thougntless word, a restless gesture, brings 
 a dood of thoughts surging into cne soul, cuat 
 almost tear away tae veil of mystery tuat 
 uangs between to-day aud to-morrow, and 
 give us vague and hasty ghiupaes into the 
 dark uncertain future. vVnen you see a man 
 come out of a drug store, for instance, with* 
 '' prescription careiully compounded," in his 
 hand, and dasli away at break-neck speed, 
 aud then see Che puarmacist come Co cne 
 dior carrying an uucorked buttie, and smell 
 at it ed-aesoly wuu one uosonl, gaze 
 anxiously down the slreec after tuo mmu, 
 smell at it long aud intensely with the other 
 
bouquet (ahe 
 
 binali tumbler 
 
 'sturically after 
 
 i by, vtider llie 
 
 iiu. Her voice 
 
 itiif at the rea> 
 
 tiut^et, aud she 
 
 r paraooi ou the 
 
 lumde in vaixi 
 
 will come out 
 
 iks every body 
 
 tforiu when .'ler 
 
 will ataud, and, 
 
 ab clock, asks : 
 
 She sees, with 
 
 her truult: luto 
 
 Kiug: lubtead ui 
 
 c atroujj, brown 
 
 uUaikud uu tiie 
 
 o de.tii'iuuied lo 
 
 :iiy buiu uuti in 
 
 1/ ui0 impui, bUe 
 
 iind ouce uu the 
 
 uer jouruuy, in 
 
 c sue Has gut on 
 
 lauded at some 
 
 ciode carriage, 
 
 to every iaat 
 
 dowu the aisle 
 
 sr ticket, which 
 
 ur hand. iShe 
 
 t'neuds ou the 
 
 b burdt ut grati- 
 
 ueti away beiore 
 
 lie, tau, paratsol, 
 
 oaudy,cuint)ier, 
 
 i car beat wnere 
 
 jb 111 Peoria, for 
 
 vaiuh. 
 
 of guilt con- 
 : yeard,aud hide 
 , heacciesd, de- 
 Uke dve mm- 
 'id to obdurve 
 liered gait pf a 
 ider button 
 
 HAWKETETlMfl. 
 
 (.■■•! I 
 
 sless action, a 
 genture, brings 
 to tUe sold, tuat 
 >l: myscery tuat 
 to-morrow, and 
 impses into the 
 n you see a nuui 
 iudtauoe, with A 
 touuded," in his 
 eak-ueuk speed, 
 a come to cue 
 octie, aud smell 
 ) uodord, gaze 
 after tuo mmu, 
 with the other 
 
 nostril, stare wildly up the street aftei'the 
 mfln. »pd then FniflT .it it onoe tr twire 
 with both iiofitrilK. rearl tbeprecoriptionovpr. 
 and retire irto the medicire shop with a 
 jrlooiry brow and snd phakef of the hesuVhow 
 Diany things you begin to think about then, 
 as it might be. 
 
 "My son," said a pious father out on 
 South Hill to hia hopeful son, "you did not 
 saw any wood for the kitchen stove yester 
 day, as I told you to ; you left the back gate 
 opn and let the row pet out ; you cut off 
 eighteen feet from the clothes line to make a 
 lasso ; you stoned Mr. Robinson's pet dojr 
 and lamed it ; you put a hard-shell turtle in 
 the hired girl's bed ; you tied a strange dog 
 to Mr. Jacobson's door bell ; you painted red 
 »iH green stripes on tl^e lei s of oW Mrs. 
 Polaby's white pony, and hnng your sister'^ 
 bustle out of the front window. Now, whpt 
 am T — what can I do to yon for such con- 
 duct?" ".Are all the connties heard from ?" 
 asked the candidate. The father replied 
 sternly, "No trifling .sir : no, T have yet 
 several reports to receive from others of the 
 neighbours." "Then," replied the boy, "you 
 will not be justified in proceeding to extreme 
 measures until the official count i« in." 
 Shortly afterward the election was thrown 
 into the house, and before half the votes were 
 canvassed, it was evdent, from the penuliar 
 intonation of the applause, that the boy was 
 badly beaten. 
 
 Passing by one of the city schools one day 
 we listened to the scholars singing, "Oh how 
 I love my teacher dear. " There was one Voy, 
 with a voice like a tornado, who was so en- 
 thusiastic that he emphasized every other 
 word and roared, "Oh how I love my teach-ar 
 d^ar," with a vim that left no possible doubt 
 of his affection. Ten minute'* afterward that 
 bry had been stood up on t'le floor for putting 
 shoemaker's wax on his teacher's chair, got 
 three demerit marks for drawing a pidlure 
 of her with red chalk on th<- hack of an atlas, 
 been well shaken for putting a bent pin in 
 another bov's chair, scolded for whistling out 
 loud, sentenced to stay after school for draw- 
 ing ink mustaches on his face and blackinp 
 the end of another hoy's nose, and soundly 
 whipped for slapping three hundred and thir- 
 ty-nine spit balls up against the ceiling, and 
 throwing one big one into a girl's ear. Yon 
 can't believe half a boy says when he sings. 
 
 Art has its votaries even among the un- 
 taught children of the wilderness. A few 
 days ago a savacre Indian painted his own 
 face, went into an emigrant waggon that was 
 sketched, by himself, out on the prairie after 
 dark, and drew a woman from under the c<an- 
 VM Mid soolptor. 
 
 "Who dem, f'assins ?" a visiting freedman 
 fromKeoknk asked a fnend the other day. a« 
 a Masonic lodge, in funeral procession, pass- 
 ed bv. 
 
 "Pev's de Free and Expected Masons." 
 "'Mazin' what?" 
 
 " Why, mason nuffin, jest on'y Masons." 
 " Sbo ? How long dey bin free ?" 
 " Oh, gory, long time. Spects ever since 
 de mancipation proclamation, anyhow. Some 
 on 'em was free before den. " 
 
 Dat 
 
 so 
 
 Went off to Canada, moa' 
 
 likely ?" 
 
 "Sneers 90." 
 
 " Who's done expectin' of 'sim ?" 
 
 "Nobody: ieat expectin' demselves. Dey'g 
 on'y Free and Expected Masons, dat'sall." 
 
 " Sho ! Well, I'd jest like to know what 
 dar is 'mazin' about 'em an' I'd done be satis- 
 (led." 
 
 Oh, the artles" prattle of an innocent child 
 hood ! How the 8«'eet music of their hearts 
 .and voices calms the wild yearnings of the 
 sorrow-crowned years of maturity. At a 
 happy home in Burlington the other evening, 
 where the familv was gathered around t^e 
 tea-table entertaining unexpected I'uests, the 
 fond mother said to the youngest dar- 
 ling, " Weedie, darling, be careful ; 
 von mustn't spill the berries on the 
 table-cloth." " 'Taint a table - eloth.' 
 oromptlv responded darling, "its a sheet.'" 
 And late at night, when the company had 
 gone away, and that sweet child was stand- 
 ing with it? head nearly where its feet ought 
 to be, catching with its tear-blinded eyes Oc- 
 casional glimpses of a fleeting slipper that 
 fluttered in the air in eccentric gjTations, one 
 could see how early in the stormy years of 
 this brief life" one may begin to suffer for 
 the truth. 
 
 It was at the sociable. Young Mr. Spot- 
 head, who reads poetry oh, so divinely, and 
 is oh. so nice, stepped on her dress as she was 
 hurrying across the room. Kr-r-rt! R'p! 
 R'p! how it tore and ietked, and how Mr. 
 Spothead looked as though he world die. 
 "Oh, dear no, Mr. Spothead," she said. 
 smiling till she looked like a seraph who had 
 got down here by mistake, " its of no conse- 
 quence ; I assure you it doesn't make a par* 
 tide of difference at all. " Just twenty-five 
 minutes later, her husband, helping her into 
 the street car, mussed her ruffle. " Good* 
 n ess gracious me!" she snapped out, "go 
 away and let me alone ; you'll tear me to 
 pieces if you keep on." And she flopped 
 down on the seat so hard that everything 
 rattled, and the frightened driver, ejaculat- 
 ing, "There goes that brake chain again," 
 crawled under the car with his lantern to see 
 how badly it had given way. 
 
100 
 
 HAWKEYETEMS. 
 
 .*•' 
 
 When you see a yonrg man sitting in the ' 
 parlour, with tl eujilifBt tix jearold Vf ytlat 
 ever frightened himself in the mirrfr clam- 
 bering over his knees, jerking his white tie j 
 out of knot, mussing his white vest, ki< kin^ ' 
 his shins.feelini; in all his pockets for iiickel!>, 
 bonibaiding hiai from tiirt to time with var- 
 ious bits of light furniture and bijouterie, \ 
 calling him names at the top of his hendifih 
 lungs and yelling incessantly fur him to 
 come out in the y ird and play, while the 
 unresisting victim smiles all the time i 
 like the cover of a comic almanac, you ! 
 may safely bet — although there isn't a sien 
 of a girl apparent in a radius of 10,000 miles 
 — you can bet your bottom dollar that howl- 
 ing boy has a sister who is primping in a room i 
 not twenty feet away.and that the youn£;man j 
 doesn t come there just for the fun of playing | 
 with her brother. . i 
 
 Mrs. J. C. Mc^ belter, who lives out on 
 Ninth-street, worked three weekf. building a I 
 rookery out of cracked hoards, and threw | 
 the whole pile away in fifteen minutes yes- , 
 terday afternoon, bombarding a neighbour < 
 who said Ler baby's head was red enough to i 
 heat its catnip tea on. 
 
 An enraptured Burli. gton lover, hearing ' 
 his sweetheart sigh dejectedly the other I 
 evening, rapturously administered a quar- ' 
 tette of kisses.and exclaimed, "You're mine, ' 
 now, in spite of fate!" "And why?" she' 
 asked. " Because," he said, "four of a kind | 
 beats ace high.' But she believes to this ] 
 day that he played a cold deck on hei-. 
 
 "All flesh is grass," as the reaping ma- | 
 shine said when it chawed up the harvest 
 hand. 
 
 The other day a public reader, while enter- 
 tainingan audience with a masterly rendition 
 of an extract from " Macbeth," dropped his 
 false teeth out, but he went right on with 
 the soliloquy, "Ig gish a daggag ash I see 
 befog me ? ('ug, leg me glug ghee ! " And 
 then the audience got up and howled and 
 threw all the chairs out of the window and 
 M^t out for some one to come in and hold 
 them while they hollered. 
 
 A South Hill man complained to old Dibbs, 
 
 the other day, that his house was infested 
 
 'V with chimney swallows, but old Dibbs says 
 
 9 ,>^he isTeady to bet fifty dollars hat the man 
 
 ^.^' ' %^ twallows twice as much as the chimney does. 
 
 "^ The tramp has his revenge on society after 
 fSL If they refuse his request fur a square 
 meal at any house, he lurks around the 
 vicinity with threatening glances until night- 
 fall, when he skulks rapidly away with the 
 comforting knowledge that while he is snor- 
 ing all the hours of that long Summer night 
 
 away under a haystack, every being in thaj ^^^^ w 
 
 h<upe wonld pit 1 olt upright in led all night ^\^(.VR ( 
 frit.'litei)cd ly ihe vind, tenified by tl( 
 lustliiit; of the baves. Ptfrrd into fits whfi 
 even the dog larks, iind })oui.ced out of bt< 
 every time the clock strike?, while a nijiht- 
 mare of buiplarioua tramps fills ever>- drowgj 
 moment with awakenii g terrors. No won 
 der that tramps always look 1 appy and con 
 tented. 
 
 A young native ijoet, who is writing 
 " song of olden Rome," asks us to give hire 
 a rhjme for Komulus. A dozen, if hewanu 
 them : 
 
 " If o'er thnt wall you leap, tiM diince. 
 The lightning stroke would harm < ou lets 
 
 But Kemus 1 u^lieri and leareti ; at once 
 His head wa pimched by Romulus. 
 
 A fellow never ap])reciates the tender 
 beauty of a sister's love half so much as when 
 he makes her get nut of the big rocking chair, 
 and let him have the morning pnper, while 
 she fines off and leans up a^'ains-t the end of 
 the lureau and feeds her stiuving intellect 
 on the household receipts at the back o: 
 Jayne's family a:mnnac. A brother's love ia 
 like pure gold. It is dreadfully hard to find, 
 and when you find it, it's very apt to be py 
 rites, 
 
 " Did you never," asked a traiipcendental 
 young lady just three weeks from Vassar, of 
 the West Hill young man, " Did you neve 
 feel a vague, unrestiul yearning after the be- 
 yond ? a wild, strange, impulsive longing and 
 reaching out after the unattainable? ' And 
 the West Hill man said he oiten had. last 
 sumn:-=T, at !?uoli times as he was trying to 
 scratch a square inch of hives, right between 
 his shoulder blades, and just out of reach of 
 anything. 
 
 A benevolent clergyman recently helped a 
 profane Bnilington inebriate out of the gut- 
 ter, and gently rebuking him reminded him 
 that " the wages of sin is death. ' "I knuw't,'' 
 replied the erring one, " but I've worked so 
 much overtime, and tlie shup is far in arreari 
 to me that I'll never get half that's comin' to 
 me any how." And he went off to work 
 right on the same old job. 
 
 Old Mr. Balbraggan is very much pleased 
 with a gentleman whom he had engaged to 
 saw wood " When he piles the wood," said 
 old Balbriggan to his friend, "if one stick 
 projects beyond the others, he pounds it iu 
 with the axe." "He's a slouch." replied 
 Bifelston, "you should see my wood sawyer 
 When he gota the wood all piled he takes 
 off the rough projecting ends with a hand 
 saw." "He couldn't pile wood for me,' 
 broke in old Mr Pillunghorn, "my saw 
 yor piles the wood carefully, then goes 
 
 fore hf 
 And tl 
 before' 
 eawyei 
 and na 
 up by. 
 such a 
 
 A V^ 
 
 wasp « 
 ad<°an 
 it in t 
 hp wa 
 Hisol 
 or me 
 He is 
 dnrma 
 and w 
 out fii 
 the la 
 wink, 
 able 
 
HAWK-EYETEMS. 
 
 lei 
 
 ery Yeirg in th 
 t inlifd al! night, 
 teiiified l»j' t) 
 (1 into fits •»hf 
 .■I ced out of l't<| 
 =. Mlnle a ni^h 
 ills even- drowg; 
 rrors. No won 
 1 appy and con 
 
 •ho is writing » 
 
 us to jiive hiiE 
 
 ozen, if he want* 
 
 (* dunce. 
 
 d harm < ou letn" 
 
 per) ; at once 
 
 Romului. 
 
 tes the tender 
 
 so much as when 
 
 )ig rocking chair, 
 
 ing pnper, while 
 
 .'ainst tiie end of 
 
 tnrvirg intellect 
 
 at the back o: 
 
 brother's love ij 
 
 uHy hard to find, 
 
 iry apt to be py 
 
 a trail pcendenta] 
 from Vassar, of 
 " Did you neve- 
 ring after the be- 
 ilsive longing and 
 tainabic? ' And 
 i oiten had. last 
 i« M as trying to 
 Js, right between 
 t out of reach of 
 
 •ecently helped a 
 '■ out of the gut- 
 n reminded him 
 li. ' "I know't,' 
 
 I've worked so 
 ) is far in arreari 
 
 that's c<itnin* to 
 5nt off to work 
 
 •y mnch pleased 
 had engaged to 
 the wood," said 
 , "if one stick 
 he pounds it iu 
 ilouch," replied 
 ly wood sawyer, 
 piled he takes 
 i With a hand 
 wood for me, " 
 'HI, "my saw- 
 iliy, then ^oes 
 
 ver the ends with a jack plane, sand papers 
 hem down aU'l puts on a coat of varnish be- 
 V»re he ever thinks of aiiking for bis pay " 
 nd then th^y all went in at'tpr a big diiiik 
 b«-foreThro< kinortoncould tfll how his wodd 
 sawyer silver plated all thu ei.ds of the wood 
 and nailed a handle on every stick to tiick it 
 np by. Because, you see, Throckmorton is 
 such a liar, and they all know it. 
 
 A West Hill minister picked up a frozen 
 wasp on the sidewalk, and with a view to 
 ad'ancing the interests of science, he carried 
 it in the house and held it oy the tail while 
 he warmed its ears over a lamp chim/iey. 
 His obJ3ct was to see if wasps froze to deatli, 
 or merely lay aormant during the winter. 
 He is of the opinion that they merely lie 
 dormant, and the dormantest kind at that, 
 and when tliey revive, he says, the tail thaws 
 out first, for ^\hile this one's hea<l, right over 
 the lamp, was fo s^^^iflT and cold it could not 
 wink, its probe worked with such inconieiv- 
 able rapidity that the mini'-ter couldn't ;.asp 
 fftst enough to keep up with it. He threw 
 the vicious thing down the lamp cliimney, 
 and said he didn't want to have any more 
 truck with a dormant wasp, at which his 
 wife bnrst into tears and asked how he, a 
 minister of the cospel, could use such 
 language, right before the children, too. 
 
 When a man accustoms himself to owning 
 a dog, aad turning around at every corner to 
 look up and down street for him. and whistle 
 him out of stairways, or yell at him to stop 
 his fooling with f)thf r dogs and come along, 
 or make dashes into a crowd of earnest ainl 
 excited dogs who are holding a caucus and 
 have each other by the ear, and especially 
 his dog — that man is a slave to a habit that 
 he will never break. It will cling to him, 
 we believe, after he gens to heaven, tor most 
 men who love dogs are pretty sure of going 
 to i'eaven. We once saw an old settler 
 standing at the Barrett House corner, peering 
 nj> and down street, and stooping down to 
 look under the hacks, and "wondering where 
 he could be," and whistling and growing im- 
 patient, and scolding and calling, "Hyuh, 
 Turk ! yuh I yuh !" until every dog iu Bur- 
 lington was sitting around the Barrett House 
 noiupr, patiently pounding the snow with his 
 iail and mentally resolving to lay for Turk if 
 he ever came. Presently a young man came 
 along and, greeting the anxious dog hunter as 
 his "Father," asked him what he was wait- 
 ing there for ? The old settler said he had 
 lost Turk somewhere right around there, and 
 couldn't see hide nor hair of him, and couldn t 
 imagine where he had gone to. "Turk!' 
 roared his dutiful son, "Turk! Suffering 
 Moses ! And him dead eight years ago ! " 
 And he hustled the old man away before he 
 eould begin to whittle np any more ghoati. 
 
 The balmy breath of spring is so entwined 
 with the fragranco "f new oi.ion.s that a man 
 hao to grip his nose with a snring clothes pin 
 every time he stoops to plnck a violet. 
 
 A gif d contributor sends us a poem 
 becii'ning " Open the doors totbe children." 
 Yon'd better, if you dont want .all the paint 
 kicked ofi[' the panels. 
 
 There is nothing that tends to destroy 
 popular sympathy for the wotking classes so 
 mnch Rs the habit a bricklayer has of drop- 
 ping bit?; of mortar from the top of a five- 
 story V all into the eye of the wondering man 
 who stands under the lofty scaffolding and 
 looks up. 
 
 A porcplain-lined k- '(;''• in a berry- 
 stj'icken iieiL'hl'onih'M'l i> the nearest 
 approrioh to perpetual motion that has yet been 
 realized. Its incessant mo' ion is only rivalled 
 bv the slow, steady growth of the sugar 
 bill. 
 
 One nf the discmeries made by the 1 itest 
 arctic exiilorers is tliat the length of the po- 
 lar night is one hundred ami forty-two days. 
 What a heaveily plare that would be in 
 which to tell a man with a bill to call around 
 day after to-moirow and get his money. 
 
 A fashion jou'nal says "white velvet 
 dresses give a roundness to the tigtire. " They 
 give an awful lankness to the figures on a 
 hundred dollar bill. 
 
 Mnltum. in pnrro : Town tramp, to lady of 
 the house: ''Please, missus, won't yon give 
 me 8( mething to drink? I'm so hungry I 
 don't know where I'll stay to night." 
 
 An eminent New York jurist, who has 
 retired from the bench, always shakes hards 
 with bis friends by turning around and pass- 
 ing his rii?ht hand behind his back. It is 
 supposed the peculiar habit was contracted 
 during his active ))rofessiopal life. 
 
 Cards of invitation in Utah, issued by » 
 voting lady and her mother, always present 
 the compliments of "Miss Smith and the 
 Mrs. Smiths." 
 
 We are told by a Russian traveller that 
 the summit of Mt. Htod is a single shftrp 
 peak of lava. Vt hitv or Balaclava f 
 
 A scientili',' gv^iitlon ■in sends us an elabo- 
 rate treatise on " the healthiness of lemons." • 
 They may be dre.idfully healthy. b\|t ''tiiey < 
 are terribly .soured iu their dispositioris. 
 
 A rising young tenor in Burlington hu a 
 neck eight inches long, and it gives him SkU ,^ 
 immense power .iver his voice; enables him * 
 
 to thro<at a Ion;;; way.s. (Tr;", Iu, la !) 
 
 About tho oldest I'lthi game of draw we 
 know of was played wh.en .Tosliua razed Jer- 
 icho, and the fellows of the city wished they 
 hadn't stayed in. . ' 
 
 
 
 
 ?A| 
 
1*2 
 
 HAWK-rrmMs. 
 
 The whale in the itnlkiest of all fishes. 
 He is the wornt ponter in the business. 
 
 Ymir landlonl is prohably the finest exam- 
 ple of ti'ial affection rnd duty yon e>er met. 
 He in nnremittin^ in his attention and care 
 of his pay rents. 
 
 "Was it her brother?" is the title of a 
 ^ new novel. We think not. It' is our im- 
 pression that the larpe gentleman in the 
 plaid coat, who was kicking him down stairs 
 and calling for the dog, was her brother. 
 
 George Washington's strongest hold upon 
 the American people is the fact that he never 
 wore a box coat and a plug hat. 
 
 History says, "Cressr had his Brutus.'" 
 But somehow or other we always had the 
 impression that Biutua rather had Offisar. 
 
 By snme wickeH and unpardonable error, 
 the case of the pViotoeraphn of editors on ex- 
 hibition at, th*> Centennial pot misplaced, 
 and was exhibited in a frame labelled "Na- 
 tive woods of the United States." 
 
 Nature's effort to maintain equilibrium is 
 never better set forth tban in the instinctive 
 ■tniggles of a man with one suspender to 
 carry both shoulders even. 
 
 On account of the Turco-Russian war and 
 the failure of the American cabbage crop 
 last year, nearly all the srenuine imported 
 Turkish tobacco nsed in this country this 
 summer will have to bo made out of plantain 
 weed. 
 
 The day after Christmas, father and mother 
 no longer come sneaking in at the back 
 door with mysterious looking bundles. No 
 indeed. Mother is gliding around with the 
 expression of a Christian martyr with the 
 toothache, because he she didn't get what she 
 expected, and father is sitting around, hold- 
 ing his Itreath till the bills come in. 
 
 Flies are made for some good and useful 
 
 purpose after all. If it wa8i\'t for the busy 
 
 flies, men with their never dying souls to 
 
 ; save and lots of work to do, would lie down 
 
 A after dinner and sleep till six o'clock every 
 
 day. 
 
 A Nashville bank robber burrowed under 
 
 a street for five days, and at length came up 
 
 ' . in tile coal vault of a beer saloon, three doors 
 
 ^ away from the bank, and bit himself in 
 
 r ^eleven places with the most uncompromising 
 
 - Hog he ever tried to conciliate. The next 
 
 '^time he attempts any mining operations he 
 
 ■W. ■»'^ill take a practical engineer along. 
 
 It was intensely hot in Salt Lake City last 
 /summer, and one night about 1.820 linear 
 ieejt of prickly heat broke out on the infant 
 b&oks in Briurham Yonng's nnrsery. The 
 eruption hasn't been equalled since Mt. Ve- 
 BttTiuB cooled o£ 
 
 You can utilize your Coke of maple sneai 
 if you find there is too mnch sand in it 
 make molas'PR of. by putting it in a nei 
 frame of cnrd-loard. or some kind of fan 
 work, in bright colon^a, and hanging it i 
 neainst the wall to light matches on. Il 
 never wears out. 
 
 It is in the merry month of sprip<» that 
 tree peddler comes around and tall^s you 
 death, and sells you a plum tree that beai 
 fruit so bitter that it poisons every curculi 
 that tastes it, and some cherry trees thai 
 send up one hundred and fifty sprouts 
 the square inch and will lift the housed 
 its foundations in two ypars' growth, atiiil 
 some apple trees that neither sprout, bloi- 
 aom, nor bear fruit, and some blackberry 
 bushes that spread all over a ten-acre lrt| 
 the first season, and some gooseberry bushei 
 thnt have thorns on a foot long, and never! 
 have anything else, and some peach tre*! 
 that break out in bloom from the ground 
 to the tip of the topmost b~anch five days 
 after they are put in the f^round and die 
 as dead as a Hint the sixth day, and a climb- 
 ing rose tree that turns out to be wild ivy 
 and pMsons every sowl about the house be 
 fore the summer is over. 
 
 When the late Governor of the Persian 
 province of Fars retired from office, the 
 Government ofiiciala put him in the stocki 
 and pounded the soles of his feet until ht 
 disgorged S30i1.000 of crooked salary. 1 
 the Government of the United States would 
 adopt that system, five hundred million 
 pairs of crutches would carry the popula 
 tion of the republic to and from its daily 
 labour. And if we knew where we could 
 cret hold of a man who would give down 
 like the late worthy Governor of Pars, we" 
 would gather him by the ankles, stand him 
 on his head, and welt the soles of his feet 
 until the backbone went through the topi 
 of h-'s head and stuck nine inches in the 
 ground. 
 
 There is a junior in the Burlington hieh 
 school who, when his father cuffs his 
 scholastic ears for leaving the wheelbarrow 
 standing athwart the front gate, can go out 
 to the woodshed and swear in French, 
 grumble in German, threaten to run away 
 and be a pirate in good classic Greek, and 
 blubber in honest United States. 
 
 One day last winter a yoitng lady broke 
 through the ice of a deep skating pond near 
 Toronto, and a young man rescued her at 
 the risk of his own life. As the half drowned 
 girl was recovpringconsciousness. her agonized 
 father arrived on the spot. Taking one of 
 her cold, white hands in one of his own, he 
 reached out the other for the hand of her 
 rescuer, but the ;oang man, realizing his 
 
 iger, 
 woo 
 not 
 
 sed t 
 
 ubes u 
 iiuiili. 
 
 We h 
 apea 
 
 ttier 
 
 mes, 
 
 igettiei 
 ttuma 
 lithe 
 
 ,owly 
 
 lefore 
 ud tu 
 ae he 
 f{uue 
 
 Mvku- 
 auauui 
 uaer i 
 lear., w 
 itrones 
 taiuttd 
 bia iuij 
 earih a 
 huuil-i 
 to be 
 arcbiaj 
 aad uu 
 crackei 
 asuiliq 
 telf a 
 can uui 
 didl 
 
 Aw 
 a burui 
 pauiL a 
 shaded 
 ik:<d 8 
 thiugB 
 letben 
 iaus, 1 
 all 801 
 tha(> 
 auy li< 
 tuac ' 
 wanes 
 Wuei- 
 and ^ 
 ctiucii 
 neclit 
 pair G 
 can't 
 ends 
 thing 
 had L 
 
 On 
 
 peard 
 Tain 
 rett 
 the I 
 
 B 
 
 i 
 
HAWK-ETBTEMS. 
 
 101 
 
 e of maple angti 
 "ch Mnd in it 
 tirp it in a npi 
 >ine kind nf fani 
 id b)»njrinp it ni 
 matches on. 
 
 ,nger, with one frightened glance broke for 
 
 ,e woods, and waa aooa lust to view. Ue 
 
 uob been heard ot smue, and it is sup- 
 
 sed that he is traveUuig iu tiiu Uuiied 
 
 lUtes under the fai^e auU huiluw name of 
 
 lUllll. 
 
 We haven't given the subject enough scudy 
 apeak very cuuhdeutly upon it, ouc we 
 and taJ'is you fi atlier believe, wueu the eud of the world 
 Ri tree that bean oiues, and the last trump calls all maukind 
 )«« every curculw ogetber, that the man who died with 
 cherry trees thut beumatism will lie still a long time, and will 
 fifty sprouts to e«l the small of his back, and rub his knets 
 lift the house 08 lowly and thoughtfully a great iijauy times, 
 
 of spriniF that 
 
 '•■s growth, anij 
 
 lome blackberry 
 a ten-ncre ln| 
 noseberry bnshei 
 
 lonp, and never 
 
 me peach tre^i 
 from the ground 
 b-anch five days 
 
 'ground and die 
 day, and a climb, 
 it to be wild ivy 
 >ut the house be- 
 
 • of the Peraiao 
 from office, tlie 
 im in the stocki 
 pi" feet until hi 
 ''ked salary. II 
 ted States would 
 hundred million 
 irry the pnpula 
 1 from its dailv 
 where we could 
 rould give down 
 nor of Pars, we 
 nkles, stand him 
 soles of his feet 
 hrough the top 
 e inches in the 
 
 efure he tinally groaua aud makes up his 
 
 her sprout, blo«- uud to get up. Auu, as like as uot, by tbe 
 
 Burlington hieh 
 »ther cufTa bia 
 ;he wheelbarrow 
 rate, can go out 
 ear in French, 
 an to run away 
 ssic Greek, and 
 .tea. 
 
 ung lady broke 
 
 ating pond near 
 
 rescued her at 
 
 behalf drowned 
 
 esR. her agonized 
 
 Taking one of 
 
 of hi« own, he 
 
 he hand of her 
 
 i> realizing his 
 
 iine he g-ita ou his feet everybody else wiii 
 le guue. 
 Mitu — What power of nature has he not 
 uuaued? vVnub uiiui>itu uad ue uob bruiideti 
 luaer toot ? Wuat arocic rigour auU iropiuai 
 ean, wuuo polar ttuuwd auu eiiuacuriai auu- 
 itroK.es has iie uot laughed to aoorn ? He has 
 mt)d Clie elemeutd, ue uas luaae cue oouaa 
 lis luguway, lie lias made tire aud water, 
 rdh aud air, his servauts, aud bent beueath 
 ,u uil-snbduiug yoke e veu the wild lightniugs 
 be bis mesaeuger. Aud yet he can uoc, 
 arching himself upon the back of hia head 
 aad ou his ueela, scoop with bis eager palm, 
 cracker cruuiba from the iriitatiug sueet witu 
 a iiuiiioieut degree at auuoeaa to maute uim- 
 iielt a good m^ht's sleep. He cau uot, he 
 uaii uub — oh, might ol tue giaut, it kaiuc be 
 did I 
 
 A woman will take the smallest drawer in 
 a bureau for her owu private use, aud will 
 pacK away iu it brigut bica of boxea, of all 
 shades aud sizes, dauity fragmeutu of ribbou, 
 b:<d scraps of laoe, fouuiy lutties, velvet 
 thiugs for the ueuk, buuales of old love- 
 Ibtters, pieces ot jewellery, liaudiieruhiefs, 
 taus, thiuga that no uiau kuowa the name 01, 
 ail sorts of freau-luokiug, briglit litile trupa 
 thai you couldn't catalogue lu a coiuuiu, aud 
 auy hour of the day or uiguc she uau go to 
 tuac drawer aud pick up auy article she 
 wants wituuuc disburbiug any tuiug elae. 
 Wuereas a m^u, having lue big^^eab, ileepeai, 
 and widest diawer aaaigued to uiin, will 
 chuck iuto It tur je socka, a collar-box, au old 
 necktie, two naudkerohiefs, a pipe, aud a 
 pair of suspenders, aud bo save nis soul he 
 can't shub tuat drawer wibhoub leaving more 
 ends of things scickiutt ouc than there are 
 things in it, aud it always looks as though ib 
 had ueeu packed wibh a nydraulic preas. 
 
 One day a young man of respe^ttable ap- 
 pearaace accracced couaiddritble acceucion ou 
 Tuird-acceeC, wuiie croasiu^ over co cuot tij^r- 
 retc House. He ati>pped m tue middle of 
 the street and yeUed, and d»ao«d mp and 
 
 down on one leg, while he held the other out 
 and kicked, like tlie can-can lady ou the 
 bulletiu boards. The bystanders tiiougbt he 
 was cra/.y, aud threw stones and mud ab him, 
 audkuocKed him down and cooked him, aud 
 held hini still, wuile he never ceased to 
 suriek, " finake up my leg! 8nake up my 
 leg!" Tiieu they reached up and pulled a 
 small roll of bills out of his trousers leg, and 
 let him up, when he raised his hauils to 
 heaven and swore he would never carry 
 money in a hip pocket again, hole or no hole. 
 
 It was ou a bright April morning that Mr. 
 Alauaou Bodley, who lives out on Sumuiei- 
 Bbreec, stepped out of the house in a tender 
 traiue of miud, siugiug sofdy to himself, 
 "Oh had 1 the wiuga of a dove, I'd Ay, 
 
 Away from " Just then the hired 
 
 giii threw tue bed-room carpet out of 
 ciie wiudow, aud as its duaby lolds euvel* 
 oped >ir. hodley, aud tarew hia Sbru^gliug 
 tor/u down sbaira, he was heard to oxciaim 
 lu muidcd touea, "If I get out of this, if I 
 dou'b cut the raw hearb oub of tue bloody- 
 miuded asaassiu that sluug that carptiC, sbrike 
 me dead !" Tims, too often, the tenderer 
 iudueuces that briug iuto life and being our 
 higuer and uoble emotions aud tranaceud- 
 eutal lougiu^s, are warped aud distorted by 
 the steru realicies of life, like a wet boot 
 behind the kituueu stove. 
 
 They had the awf ulust time up at Jerome 
 Oaveudidh's huuse, ou kVest Hill, one eveu- 
 iug, aud Mrs. (Javeuuish weubiuto Uyaterics, 
 aud Aiiaa Caveudiah fainted, and youug 
 George Cavendish graobsd hia hat aud ran 
 out oc the huujc, autl old Caveudiah raved 
 and ramped around like a crazy luan, all just 
 because they had wattlea for tea, anil Alias 
 Cavendiah fouad a — "ou ! ow .' ow / oo-oo- 
 00! I! BK-K-£-£ !" liard-baked beode in a 
 wulUc. Uh, it was terrible! It wa& awful ! 
 It was too awlul ! Too awful ! Two 
 walile ! 
 
 Ouc day last sprmg a sweet-faced woman, 
 wibu a amile like au augel and a voice softer .- 
 aud sweeter th<in the bouud of Uutes upon ' ' 
 tue water, was walking up i<'ifth-street. ishe 
 was walkiug very sluwiy, eujoymg the cool, . 
 aott air, aud the delicious saaae of £hoae 
 muple trees just below Diviaiou-street. ^Hor 
 languid mo lions were the perfecbiou of gra|«e, 
 aud she was the admiration of every, pair of' '^ 
 «ye% on the street, when suddenly ab* 
 bhrew her parasol over the steeple uf the ' 
 cuurch, screamed till she rattled tue windows -^ 
 in the parsouage, jumped up as high as the 
 teuce turee bimea, aud whooped aud sapfikad, 
 aud waned, and uuwled, aud kickeil uutil 
 everybody thought ane uad suddenly bevome - ^'*' 
 luaaue. But waen they ran up and caugtUi 
 hold of her and poured water on her head' 
 
11 
 
 104 
 
 HAWK-fiVKTlfiMS. 
 
 A pair of deaf mutes were married in 
 
 Monroe, fJeorgia, three years ai?o, aiul non- 
 it; is more fun tlkau a circus to see them 
 qiiari-el ami make faces at each other witii 
 tlieii' fingers. 
 
 Two young ladies of Tama Couuty, have 
 Some years ago a pubhc-spinted citizen of , jiuished a quilt containing 10,696 pieces, aii.i 
 Burlin^tou died, ml left, by his will, j the local paper proudly asks if anybody in 
 !$175,000 to found ixu orphan asylum ; and i^^^ can b«^at that ? We haven't anytliin;; 
 his sons aud daugluers, and nieces and i,i Burlington like that in the quilt line, but 
 nephews, and couiius, and broth.^rs, and Qasper Cruger, up on tli^'htli-strcet, fell 
 sisters, and all his wiiu s iciati )iis, contested • .. - 
 
 and $15 bonnet, and shook her until she quit 
 screatuing au.i began to talk, th^y found tliat 
 one of tu.)de green worms, about an inch 
 l(.ing, had dropped Iioin tlie mapie loaves and 
 slid down her back. Au l they didu'c wonder 
 that she yelled and mido a fuss about it. 
 
 ^ph 
 
 !.!.« 
 
 the will, aud fought aud wraugie;'. and called 
 each other iiamej, and told hird stories 
 about each other, ami prtn'ud up wonderful 
 claims, and hired lawyers by the acre, and 
 kept the tight up luaatuilj uutil quite la eiy, 
 when ^t transpired that the man only had 
 $.35, in the wiio!e wide world when he died, 
 and owed that to his grocer, and was in 
 debt about $35D beside, and that the cotiin he 
 was buried in hadn't been paid for yet. And 
 it was sad to see thoie- claimants standing 
 aronud the streets witli grip- sacks in their 
 hands trying to get out oi town, with a 
 lawyer aud a capia-j lurking behind every 
 corner. 
 
 It 18 a remarkable coincidence, and shows 
 the beneticeut WatohcM'i! svuioh a kind Pro- 
 vidence exercises over mankind, that the ad- 
 vertiaeineuta nt new aad infallible cholera 
 mixtures shoull appear in t le city papers 
 jujt about the tune vvaterui'jlo.is ooiao in. 
 
 When a unn, ctnuing ilowu to break- 
 fast half awaii", with his uncertain feet 
 shod in a piif nf .slip shod slip- 
 pers, steps on a ap.wi ou the lirsc .step, he is 
 generally wide-awake ciiouga !>y the time he 
 tries to break hha ladt step to Have a very 
 vivid aud uot eiioirol^' iiicurrect idea of the 
 power and iudti n.iuctible force generated by 
 the Keely mot u. Bug tliat isn't what he 
 talks about wuuu lie goes into che breakfest 
 ]^|il aud tlie rc)i;;s a^l^ hiai wha" male sucti 
 ' I ^i^pise iu the hall ? 
 
 f l* A$ a charity ball in New York one lady 
 
 ■' 'WOn» dtaiuouds valued at ;$85, OiiO,and another 
 
 . M.J.e y^ore f^$I^,[)0O dress, aid so all the way 
 
 'doVo W the p»or people, waoseclouhes didn't 
 
 .;. pQsttopre 6ii||iuiii,8iX). i'he net orojoedi of 
 
 ^ fibuiJ^aK, wuioh were to be devoted to ctiac- 
 
 ' • ■Vtabli p,tufpoatts, amnmiteJ to<:$11.2i, which the 
 
 ..4'0'^'^Kwiper and ticket-seller spent for hot 
 
 .....driAki. 
 
 . StMl ropej are being introluoad into the 
 . .BrRi»4 nxvy in pl.voa of the elamiy Hemp 
 ; 'l|iwae!^4. I'nay had be.ter enlist a fdJV sroj I 
 
 rem nent co.itraccors r'rom V n i ica. Tiieyr- 
 steal ropaj, swiis, tar oajlcutj, inirliu- 
 ^utts, oipicau bars, or anythiag else boat 
 Mti't'nailcd down »ad uud< 
 
 7704 
 
 guArd. 
 
 '■w; 
 
 1 
 
 33 
 
 lown the plank walk Sueps leading down tu 
 Valley -street, one morning, aud ran 10,'>97 
 pine slivers into his back and legs, aud a 
 Tama man than he was when he got up you 
 never saw. 
 
 The Massachusetts pspers are discussing 
 the question, " iVlay Cousins iVlarry ? We 
 shcmld hope so. We don't bee why a oousin 
 hasn't as good a right to marry as a brother 
 or an uucle or a hou or sister. They all got 
 used to cousin' after they mairy, anyhow. 
 
 Abdel Moulk Kahn, the eldest son of the 
 Emir of Bokhara, has made a pilgrimage to 
 Mecca, in accordance with the Mohammedan 
 custom. In this country it is customary for 
 tlie Moulk Kahns to Mecca a pilgrimage ti 
 the neartst river just before milking time. 
 
 A Burlington man, wiio is a mouoiuaniac 
 on the subject of roller skates.aud who speut 
 ninety-two days iu tue rink during the past 
 season, and got 8 more falls thau he haa 
 hairs on his liead, and ^ot himself stuck su 
 full of slivers that he wears througn his 
 clothes like a nutmeg grater, calls himself a 
 "hard riuker," and consequently he is haunt- 
 ed by traveling agaats of temperance so- 
 cieties. 
 
 John Thompson, of Mmoatine, ran away 
 from home with a circuji tlirec years ago, and 
 now he is poste I na the bill b »j,rds of nis nf*- 
 tive town as "Giovanni Tioinpeonatti, the 
 inimitable and im ipproachableCrVund Doubla 
 Flying rrapeze and i'nilo Protean Prestidigita- 
 teurean Acnleto-Acrobat." Oh, why should 
 che spirit of laortal be proud? 
 
 A-VOfHER "wild boy" has mid« his start- 
 ling a id erratic aupearance iu Texas, but 
 sinje the fact has become generally kuowii 
 cnat the tirst time a stranger takes a drink of ; 
 L'ex iS whiskey he goes out on the prairie and 
 looks for a clean plaje to have a tit, public oou« 
 d leaje iu Texas " wild boys" has been sadly 
 stiakea. . 
 
 The French kcow how to oook aa eg^ 
 thrjd hun Irjd atil sixtv-live did'^ranb w tys, 
 aa I yet, if it is a little bilious to begin With, 
 cue stroiigeic uoinoinasiou of all*t.hdje ways 
 woa'b make » vwr/iaggy e^.of it .. 
 
 3H1 MMO» 
 
ere married in 
 rs acfo, and now 
 CU8 to see them 
 each other with 
 
 la Couuty, have 
 1,696 pieces, aiii 
 a if anybody in 
 iaven't anythiiii; 
 le quilt line, but 
 ,<htli-strcet, fel! 
 leading dowu tu 
 and ran 10,07 
 and lega, and a i 
 tn h«i got up you 
 
 ■3 are discuMiDg 
 as Marry ? We 
 ee why a oousin 
 airry as a brother 
 r. They all get | 
 irry, anyhow. 
 
 eldest son of the 
 a pilgrimage to 
 le Mohatnmedau 
 is customary for 
 a pilgrimage tj 
 milking dme. 
 
 a a mouoiu^uiac 
 )3,aud who speut 
 during the past 
 lid thau he has 
 limself stuck so 
 'ears througti his 
 r, calls himself a 
 iiitly he i4 haunt- 
 temperance 80- 
 
 ratine, ran away 
 DC yeard ago, and 
 b )j.i-dd of his DA* 
 ioinpeunatti, the 
 9lti (jrVMiul Double 
 tetin Prestidi^jita- 
 Oh, yfhy should 
 I? 
 
 mide his st^rfc- 
 in Texai, but 
 generally kuown 
 .' taktis a drink of 
 n the prairie and 
 3 a tit, public uoa> 
 i" has been aadly 
 
 to cook an egg 
 I diil'jrdub w^ys, 
 ij to bu^iu With, 
 »f alt*cheje ways 
 ,.of tt. V