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BY CHRISTOPHER CAUSTICK, ESQ. PRINTED BY G. W. DAY, 1653. i-'^ti ■ViSi 1 i HI 1 i 1 "i 1 TO THE' FREEHOLDEES OF THE 00UNT7 OF BLUNDEROinXtECI. Gentlemen, induced by the voice of persuasion alone, And not from a secret desire of my own, I intend, as affairs wear a gloomy complexion. To offer myself at the General Election, As a person in whom all the requisites meet For making a member and gracing a seat, — For securing your liberties, honor and pelf, And for taking a praiseworthy care of himself j Should the choice of the County devolve upon me. My magical prowess you shortly shall see, And feel, in your pockets, the fullest effect Of all I can promise or you can expect. CHRIS rOPHER CAUSTICK. wmm 58 LDEES nnxcEn. fision alone, ' my own, y complexion. Election, Bquisites meet Lcing a seat, — nor and pelf, are of himself J ounty devolve tly shall see, fullest effect bn expect. lER CAUSTICK. SPEECH Mr. Sheriff, first to you I pay the humble deference due ; Next, Gentlemen Electors all, On you my salutations fall. The being put in nomination. Gives me right on this occasion To sjjeak somewhat at length, by way Of telling why I'm here <^o-day, A little raised above the throng, My brother candidates among, Who, clothed in smiles and Sunday coats* Are meekly asking for your votes And interest, to obtain a seat Among the " learned and discreet ;" Who, each and every year, convene To see the fashions and be seen. The simplest matters to perplex And mangle as the law directs*— From week to week to legislate By seven-leagued speeches in debate, Whose perspicuity and strength Are inverse ratios to their length. Then, graced with delegated power, Each member " struts his little hour," In honest zeal or party rage, Upon the democratic stage, I ! |i, r> Where Nova- Scotia's patriots meet To boast of loyalty, and — eat. Now I, your neighbor and your friend, Whose ardent wishes thither tend, Stand here with rising hopes elate, An unpretending candidate ; An humble man, unknown to fame, Yet venture to put in my claim. The which I hope you will admit, And help me up the poll abit. It is my privilege to try, And yours to grant or to deny — To raise me to the envied seat, Or trample underneath your feet,-^- To crown my brows with blushing honourd, I the receiver, yoU the donors, — To make a man of me, in short. By your unanimous support. 'Tis usual for a candidatCj With well-feigned modesty, to statfe His anxious fears lest he should be Deficient in ability-^ His hopes, that honesty will balance The want of oratorial talents ; — His mighty projeicts, wild and crude, All aiming at the public good ;— His independency of mind, To every party purpose blind. He has no great desire to go^ And cc /ets not the honor, no. But, summoned by the public voices He yields to it his right of choice, w meet your friend, icnd, slate, fame, m, Imit, Lt, 'eet,-^ ishing honourd, 3rt, to stat6 iild be balance ';— id crude, d. ic voice^ choice, And comes upon the hustings, merely T' oblige the friends he loves sincerely ; He has no selfish views to speed, No hungry partizans to feed With " loaves and fishes" from the chest ; And — flattery makes up the rest. But here I pause, (though not from doubt That liicts would fully bear me out. Were I to '< load and fire away" Till darkness closes in the day, Thence till the promised morning's light Dispels the shadows of the night) For I'm unwilling to be thought, In mind and manners, like the pot, That smoked and blackenod in the flames, Called Mistress Kettle naughty names j And why ? because, ere we conclude, I'll take the self-same latitude ; I'll imitate the wise example. Of which you've had full many a sample, And shall begin, with modest guise. To lower myself, that I may rise,— Shall " fawn and flatter, cringe and lie," And praise your worships to the sky, As free and independent yeomen, Who care, a pinch of snuff", for no man, But think and act, and have your " notions," " Like Boston folks," or Nova Scotians— ' Outdo my rivals here in twattle. And arguments drawn from the bottle, Whose force no mortal can withstand, If once he deigns to lift his hand, And cock to little finger high. 4 I In deep devotion, at the sky. Thus falcons stoep to make a spring, Before they mount upon *he wing, — So tigers crouch along the ground, Or ere they make the fatal bound — And serpents lubricate their prey Before they gulp it— travellers say \ Shade of Demosthenes ! descend, And promptly thy assistance lend. My genius elevate and warm To raiie, and then to rule the storm ; As erst thou did'st in ancient Greece, When to disturb the calm of peace, Thou trumped'st an outrageous bill up Against the fighting fellow, Philip. E'en now I feel the quickening glow Of inspiration, and a flow Of eloquence hangs on my tongue. That works, like porter through the bung, And must have vent in froth or wit, Or, by the pipers ! I shall split ! Stand ye appalled ! ye faithless few, The torrent shall descend on you^ And, tho' not *' learned in the law," I'll thunder forth such Attic *' jaw," As, rolling on from rough to rougher, Shall make the guilty conscience suflfer— I'll blaze away like some fierce beldam. Who speaks, in gentle whispers, seldom, And let him give the ghastliest grin, That feels the lancet deepest in. fprmg, ing,— und, nd— ey say? jceiid, jnd, storm ; Greece, )eace, IS bill up hilip. ling glow iigue, ph the bungy 3r wit, it! jss few, you, 3 law,'* 'jaw," rougher, mce suffer — ce beldam, ers, seldom, 58t grin, in. Where are our fathers now, whose toil Subdued and fertilized the soil, Dislodged the forest-trees, and spread The earth with waving corn instead^ Made herds of horned cattle graze, Where howled the beasts of prey, in days Long since gone by, when roamed the wouds, In all their awful solitudes, The savage race— of iron mould. Lords of the soil which now we hold • Raised high a lengthened line of mounds, And, by curtailing ocean's bounds. Snatched from the overwhelming tide What constitutes our wealth and pride. Where are they ? I again would ask, To answer is a painful task. Most of those sturdy pioneers, Bow'd down by labour, as by years. Are number'd with the nameless dead. And we have risen in their stead. And might, if righteously inclined, Enjoy the good they left behind ;— While others, lingering on the brink Of dissolution, ere they sink Reluctantly, beneath the sod. Cast one desponding look abroad. To view the scene, with grief profound, Of desolation all around Far as the line that bounds the view : Brought on, ye simple ones ! by you Who, to exalt to party idol. Have yielded to the " bit and bridle," f ) ^! 8 And bartered, in your zeal and dotage, Your birthright for a mess of pottage. And now, when nothing's left to squander, We scratch our heavy heads and wonder By what iniquitous devices Affairs have come to such a crises. When agriculture thus declines, Our commerce, sympathetic, pines, — It feels, alike, the deadly blow, That lays the fishing interest low; When these, with manufactures, fail. Our merchants burst, like bottled ale j All enterprise is lost, and then, W'e scratch our heavy heads agam. And stare about, like folks astonished. When by discourteous kicks admonished. 'Tis strange that, careless of our weal. We never see before we feel ; Nor hear the headlong torrents roar, 'Till we are swept from off the shore ; Nor dread the gathering storm on high, 'Till thunders roll along the sky ; Nor heed the earthquake's rumbling sound, 'Till opening chasms gape around. 'Till mountains '' totter to their fall," And wide-spread ruin swallows all ! But now, since light begins to dawn, Your long-benighted souls upon, And now, though late, you do begin To tliink indifference is a sin. And entertain the bold idea 9 iotage, ttage. to squander, I wonder es. es, aes, — wj 3, fail, 3d ale ; rain, nished, imonished. our weal. roar, ! shore ; on high, abling sound, und. lir fall," /s all 1 I to dawn, lon, 1 begin Of seeking out a panacea, Whose potent efficacy may Arrest the progress of decay. Restore all things to order, and Diffuse abundance through the land, Rise in your might ! shake off your slumbers And, gathering confidence from numbers. Act with an energy divine, Like giants, well-refreshed with wine. The germ of future good may still Put forth its tendrils, if you will, The teeming earth again may groan Beneath a burden, all its own, And stores of '' corn, and wine, and oil" May lighten and reward our toil. As for myself, you know right well Where I was born and where I dwell, My parentage and humble station. My " pious walk and conversation;*' How I was taught to read and write, And every ether reqisite. To help me through this chequered life ; And how I took myself a wife; And how the children came, God bless 'em ! As far as we could feed and dress 'em, And sometimes e'en a little faster ; But for this sore we found a plaster,— We cleared a field, by sweat of brow, For every child, and raised a cow; 8o, with a blessing on our labors. We fell not far behind our neighbors, And, but for certain things, which £ >. :-« 19 Intend to mention, by-and-bye, Should be content to jog along, Unheeded by the shufliing throng. And now, good people, if you please, ril talk of my abilities, Which, heaven knows, are mean enough, And, like my manners, something rough ; Yet I can speak upon occasion, As you shall see by this oration. But as for honesty ! good friends, I've scarce enough to serve my ends — Have not a particle to spare Of a commodity so rare, Nor do I know — I speak in sorrow — From whom to buy, or beg, or borrow, As all men seem to keep it close Locked up, for safety I suppose, With other rare and valued things, Lest, peradvenmre, it take wings. And fly away, the Lord knows where, As smoke evaporates in air. Yet sometimes one, a little daring, Will give his honesty an airing Hy way of show, as people do Their equipages ** splinter new." But, should you happen to perceive it, You scarcely know what name to give it,-^' So battered and so broken down, So like a woman on the town. That one would hardly be security, For much of its original purity. 1 I )• )lease, enough, : rough ; ds, ids — V — )rrow, here, mgj ceive it, give it,- ty, 11 There is, indeed, a spurious kind, Which is not difficult to find. Because it grows on every hedge, And answers as a sort of pledge— Of spacious form, but doubtful promise, Like paper money used in commerce. But here, methinks, I hear you ask, Why wish to undertake the task? Why trouble us with your intrigues ? Go home, good man, and feed the pigs, A business which you enderstand ! My answer, gentlemen, 's at hand ; I come, obedient to the call Of friends and neighbors, one and all, Who think me duly qualified To check corruption's swelling tide. Which long has overflown the land, And ruin spread on either hand. In yielding to their wishes, I My own as fully gratify. For I have long ambitious been, (I hope ambition's not a sin,) My native place to represent In the Provincial Parliament, Where many a booby has been sent, All ignorant of men and letters — Like me — to represent his betters ! Besides, I feel within my breast One passion ruling all the rest, Which nothing seems to satisfy, However abundant the supply* 11 12 This ruling passion, to be plain, Is nothing but the love of gain, Which all men feel, but they the most, Who much of public spirit boast, — Desire enlarges with the getting. For " appetite will come by eating !'* As the lean kine which Pharoah saw- Rise from the Nile, with hungry maw, And, standing on the sedgy shore, Devour the fat that came before. Without much benefit of plight, Or much decrease of appetite ; So they who, in a happy hour. Rise, from the people's dregs, to power, To every nobler feeling lost. Must revel at the public cost — Possessing part, would grasp he whole. And take the grist by way of toll ; Yet still they find, with all they've got, •* Abundance satisfieth not !" For, while their cup is running o'er, > The constant cry is more — ^more ! ! 1 ! When, from this height, I look around, Awed by a silence so profound ! I feel, somehow, a little droll, I do, indeed, upon my soul ! Just as I felt, when desperate grown, I " popped the question" to my Joan ! As courage gained the victory then. The like must do the like again. For, since my friends have placed me here, I am resolved to persevere, 13 'Till o^er my prostrate foes I straddle, And " los6 the horse, or win the saddle f V\\ shear the shearer, or be shorn. And "make a spoonj or spoil a horn." I'll know no middle course, not I, But raise my virgin standard high. High as St. Peter's far-famed steeple, A rallying point to all the people ; Around whose base, beneath whose shade. In conscious dignity arrayed. They shall convene, and with one voice Pri^aim the idol of their choice ; From dread of law and Zcrf^erfreej Give all their suffrages to me — To me, who never will forget^ Of boundless gratitudb, the debt. Nor yet the lavor, nor the frown, That " buildeth up" or " pulleth dowti." I cannot boast of " doings" done, Of boisterous battles fought and won ;-^ Of wholesome regulations made, T' encourage fisheries and trade ; — Of wise enactments, that the toil Of him who cultivates the soil, Shall meet its merited reward, Which nought should lessen or retard ;-^ Of vallies raised and mountains levelled, Where highways have been made and gfaV- Of bridges thrown across the rivers, [elled ; And vast obstructions " blown to shivers," That you may travel, when you will; To town, to meeting, or to mill ; i: 14 And, throwing cumbrous clogs aside, Draw on your polished boots, and ride. Unlike your fathers who, with no-shoes,** Were wont to trudge about on snow-shoes;— Of native genius, long neglected, Warmed into action, and protected;- — Of common schools endowed, and colleges, That have so useful been in all ages, Like my opponents here before you. Who each, if you believe his story. Has, his constituents to please, Achieved more benefits than these — More than the geese, we may presume, Whose midnight clamors rescued Rome. But what I have not done as yet. We will consider as a debt. To be, when fit occasion offers. Discharged from the provincial coffers. Now since they each have had a lick Of what we call the " sugar stick," They feel a natural wish, His plain, To taste the grateful sweets again. But lest they should be gratified, 1 beg to draw the veil aside, That hides, from less observing eyes, Their long concealed enormities ; And then you clearly shall behold The fleece-clad wolves, within the fold Stripped wholly of their borrowed dress, And standing in their nakedness. * Mocasina. aside, and ride, no-shoes,* mow-shoes;— ed, jcted;' — and colleges, il ages, 3 you, story. lese — presume, ied Rome. s yet, I coffers. ad a lick ick," plain, gain. ified, g eyes, es ; lold 1 the fold wed dress, ess. 15 What have they done to earn their ''wages," Or to redeem their solemn pledges ? What, to promote the public weal; Or ease the burdens that we feel ? Why wonders ! if we may believe The ';arnished statements that they give. They've cut a grand Canal — alackaday ! From Halifax to Shubenacadie, In which the little sportive trout. Delighted, ^wim and play about ;— On which a cord of wood or two, Some years ago, wore carried through, And landed, 'midst the loud huzzas Of blackguard boys— so story says ! As for their other cuts, the papers Will show they've cut a world of capers. — > Evinced their manners and their morals, By pretty, gentlemanly quarrels; But not a soul of them dare trust His carcase, to a " nut and thrust !" Most happily their bickerings end, Before the fatal note is penned,— Before their worships come to harm By hostile meetings at the farm. What have they made ? considerate soulsl They^ve made a Master of the Rolls — Besides they made, some years ago, A batch of Judges^ as you know, Four comfortable berths, I ween, And thrust four " learned" members in ;— For these, a better thing by far. Than starve by sticking to the bar ; fti 16 For you, ye simple ones, a favour, You shall be grateful for forever ; Ye all for law— fat, lean and gristle. — Is paying dearly for the whistle III! 'Tis said by certain politicians— Our would-be national physicians — ^ That debt enormouSj ever pressing Upon the public, is a blessing — Just like a weight upon the keystone, Of arch eliptic, built of freestone j The heavier that it bears, and longer, The masonry becomes the stronger. Admit the fact at once, nor cavil At mysteries, which you can't unravel; No more your idle fancies mutter, Or quarrel with your bread and butter ; Nor yet your stupid noddles puzzle. Or look a gift-horse in the muzzle ; But take the good the gods provide, Nor grumble, though dissatisfied. For grievances, so say the wise. Are often ** blessings in disguise.'* A ponderous debt has fallen on us, (A splendid legislative ftowMs,) Which, like an heir-loom, will descend From sire to ison, till time shall end* As for their other mighty doings, Their cuttings, carvings, bakings, brewings- Are they not all recorded found, Where vast nonentities abound ; E'en in a curious book . which they Get from the printer, day by day — vour, rer ; »ristle.— 116 • • • « ans— * ians — ' ssing systone, nej I longer, onger. ivil t unravel; tter, ,nd butter ; iuzzle> zzle ; ovide, fied, se, se. )i I on us, ) II descend .11 end* oings, igs, brewings- id, Id; I they day — 17 A registry of things internal — And°caird, par excellence, a Journal ; In which are noted their proceedings, But more especially the bleedings They give the body politick, Lest from repjletion it grow sick ; Or having too much health, might feel IncUned at times to use the heel, ' And kick their worships out of place, As faithful stewards all, and base. Get you the book — 'tis written there How *' Mr. Speaker took the chair,'* His mind with vast conception big, And crown'd with the provincial wig, Whose wide circumference contains New Scotland's concentrated brains. Some pious moments being given, By way of compliment, to heaven. And pardon craved for past oifences The business of the day commences. 'Twere difficult for me to say How they beguile the hours away ; But, to the book — you'll read it there. How ♦' Mr. Speaker leaves the chair," When "Mr. Thingum fills his place," With native modesty and grace — Goes through some certain forms, and then The ** Speaker takes the chair again," And gravely sings the stanzas o'er. Which they (the House) had sung before, Concerning things — so says the ditty — That they had ordered in Committee. I I I 18 How ** the Committee rose" — the elves ! " Reported pi ogress" lo themselves, ** And asked" — ^ridiculous and vain ! — ** Leave*' of themselves •• to sit again !" Thus with their daily ins and outs, Their ups and downs and roundabouts, Both time and money are expended. And then, good folks, the Session's ended, Oft have I seen them from the lobby, (Each member mounted on his hobby,) Go through their various exercises, 'Till things were drawing to a crises, — 'Till cards of invitation, thronging, The House (not Isarel's) felt a longing, As lor the flesh-pots left with Pharoah, And eke, perchance, for choice Madeira ; When, with a grave and rueful face, Some member "rising in his place," His maiden resolution moves, *Tis seconded — the House approves — And lo ! the clang of plates and platters Succeeds to less important matters ! ! When, as I sweetly said before, The business of the Session's o'er, Each member pockets then his pay, Expands his wings and soars away, T' astonish his constituents With lengthened legends of events, That had occurred within the House, Or in some comical carouse Among the people of the town, Not on the hill ! but lower down ; — 19 Of many a motion made and lost, And many a noble purpose crossed ; And how he bothered Mister Hee By letting out a repartee ! ! In such a tale who could deny Etimself, that little pronoun /, — 'Twas /said this, and / said that, 'Twas / that dared to '' bell the cat," For, on some criticfal occasions, /put the Council 'through their facings," 'Twas /that cowed the lofty ones. And brought them to their "marrow bones." And as the gourmand loves to dwell On former pleasures — he must tell, How oft he cut Sir Mungo's mutton, And held the General by the button. Sat "toe to toe" with Colonel Feather, A funny man, for hours together ; And, growing bold as growing heady, E'en cracked a joke upon his lady — With other matters, which, I think, The more you stir, the more they'll stink ! By this, you'll see how they befool us, Our servants first and then our rulers, Puflfd up with pride, and power, and fat, They ask the rev'rence of the hat, — The bended knee — the abject tone — The whole demeaner ever prone, — The right of majesty alone. *Tis true, that, in a week of years, A momentary change appears In their deportment — by the way— You've seen enough of that tc^day ; I 20 1 I ; ii I So courteous they and condescending, Down to the very shoe-tie bending, That one can hardly feel inclined To be censorious, or unkind. Their memory, which so long had lain Inert and blank, revives again, The scales fall, loosened, from their eyeB, When suddenly they recognise Their humbler friends — as much forgotten As if they had been dead, and rotten. " Ha ! Mr. Spriggins, is that you, I'm glad to see you — 'adda doo' ?" Then comes the gracious smile, so calm, Th' extended arm — the open palm — The hearty shake — the friendly nod — (Where is thy glory, Ichabod ?) The fulsome fawning, and the whole Prostration of the manly soul ! (( O, Sprigging, row I recollect, I gave you reason lo oxpect Some little oLi^. in tlie state, A sewer, eh ! or magistrate, Or some such thing,— I can't tell how It slipped my memory, — but now I shall not easily fgrget, I feel so deeply in your debt For former favours, — need I say, I reckon on your vote to day ; A plumper ? yes, you understand — And then my services command." " Ah, Mrs. Slipslop, — hope you're hearty You know my toast — 'Tat, fair, and forty"- descending, bending, nclined id. 10 long had Iain ;ain, from their eyes, jnise I much forgotten and rotten. that you, I doo' ?" ;mile, so calm, )en palm — endly nod — bod?) L the whole oul! icollect, 3t ate, e, m't tell how Dut now bt I I say, lay; erstand — amand." 3pe you're hearty I t, fair, and forty**- 91 'ou've some cosmetick, I presume, 'o keep alive your youthful bloom- low are the children ? let me know, ind how my little favourite, Joe ? _ fine girl, that ! your blooming Betty, Fust like her mother, plump and pretty ! 'our husband too, where is he, pray, fot " o'er the hills and far away," Ls says the song — that charming thing, 'ou, with such spirit, used to sing. Fe's got some crochet in his pgfte, ind fought a little shy of late ;• lut you can manage him, I know, Ia. little cudling-up, or so, JWill do the ihing, you need not doubt it, pray you, therefore, get about it, [f women once be wide awake, ill will go well, and ** no mistake." " Dear Doctor Bolus — how goes physic ? Vly wife is dying with the phthisic, My oldest son has got, I find, A little " what-d'-you-call" behind, A sort of " retrospective view" .You understand me ? nothing new (in such a family as ours, SThut deals so much in sweets and sours ; My daughter too's a little weakly, i So cqme to us, dear Bolus, quickly, ; Spare not the powder, nor the pill, I And, Doctor, don't forget the bill." " O, neighbour Clover, you have got Into " a hobble," have you not ? We must contrive some way, I'm thinking, I I- I 22 To save your family from sinking ; Old friends, you know, should stick together^ In stormy as in pleasant weather, — So come, when this election's over, And bring along dear Mrs. Clover, Then we will see what can be done To brighten up your setting sun, And banish sorrow from the soul, — But, Clover, don^t forget the poll ! " Othello, here ! my ancient crony — How are you — how is Desdemonia ? How are the little wooly-headed Chaps, that do you so much credit ; To your protracted vigour born, With legs much like a powder-horn ! How are the poultry and the pigs, And how affairs with Mrs. Biggs ? You, blackies, are such rakish fellows, That half the country will be jealous." " O, massa ! ki ! your most obsekus, — You speak so funny to the niggus, Dat da do lub you in dare treat And swear you shall hab ebbry vote. Come to de 'lection — massa say, Othello gentleman to-day, Big as a buckra man, or bigger ! To morrow — not'n but a nigger." " Othello, to yourself be just. All men you know, spring from the dust, And must return it follows thence, That colour makes no difference j And, should I this election carry, The blacks and whites shall intermarry, liS! tammm^ inking ; nld stick together^ ather, — I's over, Clover, be done 5 sun, ! soul,— e poll ! ent crony — emonia ? aded i credit j >orn, Jer-horn ! 3 pigs, Jiggs ? sh fellows, be jealous." obsekus, — liggus, roat bry vote, say, Ti- ger! ?ger It, rom the dust, hence, 3nce J ;arry, intermarry, 23 And raise up swarms of stout mulattos — A crop, more certain than potatoes. Keep on your hat — the air is cold, And you and I are growing old ; We're not so tough as when we stole The parson's apples. Bless my soul ! Here's Desdemona, in the gown That Mrs. Humbug sent her down ; She comes with such a languid leer, Her teeth display'd from ear to ear, 1 must — now don't be jealous, pray, — Brush from chose lips the dew away." Thefi rautters to himself, methinks, 'The dingy devil,— how she stinks !" These are the arts, or such as these, By which they gain the power to please ; Such the professions — O, how hollow] And such the baited hooks you swallow. Thus, gentlemen, I've placed before yo" A faithful, tho' appalling story — Have pointed out the dire disease, And glanced at certain remedies ; But lest you should be quite oppressed, Bowed down, disheartened and distressed, I'll change my course, and lead you up The rugged path, to Pisgah's top, — Thence, all around — nor distant from us — Spreads, far and wide, the land of promise, Into the which, like Joshua, I I Intend to lead you, by-and-bye, Provided you, with hearts of steel, Will put your shoulders to the wheel. Be true to your own interest, and, 24 Support my cause with heart and hand. Then will 1 realize your wishes For certain tempting loaves and fishes; So, open wide your patriot throats, And boldly give to me your votes, — To me, who, as I said before. Will realize your hopes, and more ; Gird on your swords and fight like men, Make me your member, friends, and then The crooked paths shall straight become, And the complaining mouth be dumb ; Tlie earth shall yield her stores in plenty. And corn and cabbage shall content you ;— The yeaning mothers of the fold. Shall, like Rebecca be, of old ; — The stall-fed beeves command a price. And children follow good advice ; The greedy swine that range the streets Shall yearly have •' more pigs than teats;" The miller's wheel shall water find. Whene'er he has a grist to grind ; The bread shall rise — the soap shall come, And house-flies suffer martyrdom ; — The bees shall throng and store the hive, And every flea be flayed alive ; The maple trees shall pour their sap Like whisky flowing from the tap ; Potato plants shall yield their crops As certain, and "as thick as hops" — Improve the breed of colts and kittens. And raise the price of socks and mittens. Your ships no more shall throng the docks, Or, rotting, lie upon the stocks, But spread their canvass to the breeze. and hand. les nd fishes; iroats, otes, — more ; it like men, ds, and then jht become, be dumb ; es in plenty, ontent you ; — fold, i a price, lice ; the streets s than teats;" ;r find, ind ; Lp shall come, iom ; — re the hive, eir sap i tap ; crops lops" — d kittens, nd mittens. )ng the docks, :s, le breeze. 25 And waft your commerce o'er the seas ; The finny tribes that gaily wriggle Their forked tails in Neptune's pickle, Shall shun the tempting bait no more, But rise, and whiten all the shore, And every stream and creek shall flow With salmon, shad, and gaspereau. The plaster rocks, blown high in air. Shall, by a chymic process there, Become, like water, clear and thin, And fall in showers of Yankee gin, Which every earthly good enhances. And drowns our troubles with our senses. I'll patronize a grand machine, The like of which was never seen, That takes from nature, coarse or fine stone j And, in a twinkling, makes a grindstone. True as the frame work of a riddle, With hole for axle, in the middle, Round which 'twill turn by magic power, x\nd — changed to leather, or to flour, To Indian meal, or Cavendish, Or wholesome Congo, as you wish — Will prove a beneficial thing Both to the people and the king — By giving, of good things, a few, To them — to him a revenue ! ! ! The lofty pines shall learn to bend, And from the mountain tops descend: And changed to articles of fancy, Without the aid of necromancy, Shall gratify the love of show. u 26 III gentle belle, and stately beau. Silks shall usurp the place of cotton, [ten ?'* And homespun coats give place to -'bough- Your lads shall labour 'mong the stumps In ruffled shirts, and dancing pumps ; With rakish beavers on their " knobs," And watch-chains dangling from their fobs ; Nor shall they know — such is my will — A meal-tub from a coffee mill, A worthy justice from an ass, Without the aid of quizzing-glass Shall sink the broomstick — mount a garran, Before their chins can boast a hair on, For every farm shall have its stud, And every buck, his " bit of blood." One heel shall sport a spur, the head Shall sport another, better sped, — For that above is, as you know. Worth twice as much as th' one below. Your girls no more shall ride astraddle, But sideways sit upon a saddle, With habits closely buttoned round, Whose ample skirts shall sweep the ground. The cards with which their mothers wrought Be thrown aside as things of nought, While other cards, with painted faces, Shall enter in and fill their places. The useless wheel, whose doleful sound, Distressed and deafened all around, Shall cease its revolutions, and Amidst old lumber take its stand : To it, succeed the" pipe and tabour,'* 27 The sprightly dance, to manual labour; And every little Miss shall larn, To twist her curls, instead of yarn. The cow shall pour her streams of milk Through taper fingers, clad in silk. And strange contrivances shall vary, And ease the labors of the dairy j For I will introduce a churn, Requiring some peculiar turn. To change the mantling cream to butter, Without the usual time and splutter, And then convert the same to cheese, Or custard puddings, as you please. Your faithful wives no more shall work Their way, through mighty mounds of pork. But, grown fastidious in their taste, Shall cook a pigeon's wing in paste ; From simple nature's relish free, Make sundry nibblings at a pea, Eat pies and puddings with a pin. And strip a cherry of its skin : — Grown " despert," delicate and spleeny, Exchange the homely delf for cheena, From which th' Imperial leaf shall stream, 'Midst sugar puffs, dissolved in cream. And, as old customs are most shocking, None shall presume to d'lrn a stocking. But coax it down, to hide the fractures, And thus encourage manufactures ; Soon shall they change, with languid air, The dye-tub for an easy-chair, Where indolence supinely lingers ; i 1 1 t 1 1 1 -' i i M 1 28 Nor snuff the candle with their fingers, As did their grand dames — good old souls f Who sipped their milk from wooden bonis, And seldom knew the luxury Of Muscovado with their tea : But laboured, both with heart and hand, To fill the house, and till the land. Peace to their ashes ! — let them rest, Comparisons are bad at best. Nor shall the hopeless maiden more, Her ''single blessedness" deplore, Rut, ''nothing loth," shall soon be led, Exulting, to the marriage-bed. She, like a fruitful vine, shall bloom, Her children throng around the room. In youthful innocence and beauty, For " every man shall do his duty." The widow then shall th^^^sfr aside. Her weeds, and wanton as a oride ; Yes, she again, well pleased, shall hear Love's gentle breathings in her ear — Again shall grace the nuptial bower Tho' somewhat faded be the flower. I'll have a rallying point, somewhere Above the atmospheric air, [ther. Round which the labouring clouds shall ga- Wheu we are wanting pleasent weather, — Where, held in durance and unseen, They shall perform a quarantine, Or, scattered in some needful hour. Descend in many a fruitful shower. I! 20 I'll bottle upj for dismal days, A quantum suf. of solar rays, — Imported from the torrid zone, — To cheer the chillnessof our own, When winter, as the poets saV; Would " linger on the lap of May"— Provided they in Halifax Don't threaten to impose a tax. ni purchase from our •'* Sailor King/* A patent right, or some such thing, To open up dame Nature's womb, Where, hid in subterranean gloom, Lie, undisturbed, exhaustless stores Of mineral coal, and massive ores. O, how I'm itching to be at her, And penetrate the lowest strata. Where, looking round with searching eye, Shall find the wealth of Potosi — bright consummation of my schemes ! The Eldorado of my dreams ! I'll fabricate an air baloon — Transport your worships to the moon. From this terrestrial globe away : Whence you may take a wide survey Of wonders, far above the ken Of modern scientific men ; — A better way, by much than sha.ie. Your course to burning Afric's cape, Where good Sir John* now strains his ejo^ Through telescopes, to view the skies — Whilst you, you favoured niddy-noddies, * Sir John Herflcbol. / .y I i ' } / ;i \ '\'\ ^% \::\ I X' i j 30 Are carried thither, souls and bodies, And want no telescopes, I ween, i o see what is not to be seen ! ! ! Rail roads shall run from east to west trom north to south as you think best •' Around the base, or through the hill u hichever nearer is, to mill ; ' Then you may send your produce down And brmg the fashions up from town— lake prmts of butter from the churn And get hot muffins in return. ^^h'iiTfl '^^''' ^""^^^ ^°° " ^^^^t^^ ^P'ash and Shall float m every paltry gutter, [splutter- VV liera railroads cannot well be made. 1 o give an impetus to trade. 1 IS common, now-a-days, to mix uehgion up with politics. As though the former could not stand Unless the latter lent a hand ; As though the latter, vice versa Depended on the other's mercy \ Now, since I'm bound to imitate My rivals here in all they state, i beg to take a slight survey Of the religion of the day, That you may learn how necessary « is, that sacred things should vary To suit themselves to circumstances * As rage for novelty advances ; But not of t^ for whose dear sake i he martyr suffers at the stake-- [s and bodies, I, I ween, e seen ! I ! rom east to west, you thinic best ; nigh the hiJl, mill : ir produce down ip from town — )m the churn, return. "with splash and 'gutter, [splutter'' veil be made, ide. ays, to mix > lid not stand, md ; versa nercy I io imitate state, ey necessary lould vary, imstances es; ir sake take — 31 |Ah ! no — that High and Holy Flame, [Bright as the fountain whence it came, [Saw all its fervency expire [With Smithfield's persecuting fire ! ! [Now, pillow'd on the lap of ease, [t seeks not to reform, but please ; V By '' doctrines fashioned to the hour," It courts the smile of wealth and power. So great the change we may expect From the bold " march of intellect," That you shall not be much astonished To find yourselve?, some day, admonished By an unceremonious loon, Some half-cracked gazer at the moon, — Who, by fanaticism bitten, Will wiser be than what is written ; Who'll spurn at human learning, and With but the Bible in his hand— Which, by the way, he scarce can read — Presume, though blind, the blind to lead .' Most piously leave all behind In hopes an easier life to find,— Range the benighted country over, To preach the wo:d, and— live in clover. Resolved am I to make clean work, With England's Church,and Scotland*s Kirk: Divorce the Bible from the Crown, And put the plump prelatists down ; Trip up the heels of " Covenanters," Make elbow-room for roving ranters, That free enquiry and 7ieW' lights May pave the way for Mormonitks, \ \ A u i* I 32 To whose presumption it is given The^^h^ ""!""■'■ ^"^''''^ ^"d Wind.' J heir bible either make ot find. The time shall come when some rude croalcc G avre as a ghost-stiff as a poke"-- wLtL f ^ '=''°^^'' '•>■ "ondorin^ ' WhTl ? mysteries to expl,n„, Which angels search, but search in vain • And think our reasoning powers exilt ' Not in .he head, but inlho fist ToaZ\ ^°'"^ ^°*^' 'f ^« had time lo dn-ell on matters so sublime You might forget yourselves and'mo " hat was and u, and is to bo, Scuh are the mighty schemes, by which My native plaee I will enrich, Th^/rV"' -changes-nothing less- 1 hat shall promote your happiness ^"^.Pf-f'«'l hover o'er tlfe ah Or sit beside the cheerful hearth- W!'"^,'^'"^ her smiling face Shall banish discord from the plac'e. My^hfri,;""'' '"^'"^ ^^'"od friends, My narangue- never equalled -ends • And while Its influence fires the "on ' eo, speak in thunder through the PoL. N. ■---.-..-.V ]2 it is given igli with heaven ;-^ based and blind, 'ce or Jind. len some rnde croake/ as a poker — stairs,and thundering rd a vvondorin«" pen next ! lan spell his text, ' 3s to explain, ut search in vain : 'i powers exist the fist. ^e had time sublime, 'Jv^es and me, s to be, schemes, by which irich, •nothing less — happiness. er the earth I hearth — 'ins; face, I the place. aiued friends, ailed— ends • res the soul, 'Jgb the Poll. 'i,' •*