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A' ^ I TORONTO : Cu>i'aHER Bros., Boorskllbrs A STATioj»icRt<, 26 KiNa St. Wknt. • *)«, \ H .^^ s //cy/!~ .^/^-e- ^^^t*- JU^ ^ /■"■ PREFACE. •11 Erratic booklet, may thy vagrant worth Find kindly friends to criticise thy mirth, Which mildly escharotic ; still is free And innocent, of all scurrility. If dazzling genius has not shed her light Upon each period's would-be lofty flight ; Neither has jaundice-hued ill nature's face Thrown blighting looks upet* thy lettered space. And should thy persiflage but serve to wile One weary moment, or provoke a smile ; The author's heart will thank the shallow briins. That planned thy jest-bedewed Iambic ebajnr . J2i'?0^ •^4^.p-^>:f^^;::-^: *i 1 — ■■ — — ^ t THE HAPPY FAMILY OR DEACON BROWN'S DREAM. I, 'Twas Summertide, — and sinking low Behind the hills ; in crimson glow The Sun was seeking golden rest In far off regions, in the West — And as the day ; in eve declined ; When Sol ; his azure throne resigned ; The heart of " Water" — town, was stirred ; On every passing breeze, was heard A cry ; that thrilled the heart with joy Of every scapegrace " Wi.ter " boy ; *' Great Pandrum comes,'' — next day the town, From Widow Jones, to Deacon Brown — Assembled, in the morning light. To catch one fleeting, gratis, sight Of prancing steeds ; and liv'ried men, That flanked each Sphynx — like, wild beast den ;- To hear the martial music played ; And quiz the gorgeous staff ; arrayed In all the " bogus " panoply. Of " Circus '' ; and " Menagerie ". *.♦. THE HAPPY FAMILY, OR II. Now later on, that summer night ; Old Deacon Brown ; the Baf)tist " Light " ; StioUed out ; *' Immersed"; in silent thought Debating ; if a deacon ; ought Appear at anything so low, As this itinerant Circus show : But curiosity ; — the jade-- # Whose wiles oer'come both man and maid — Impelled the good old " Beacon's ' feet. Towards a quarter dollar seat. Where ; — mused this man of chastened mien, — Unnoticed, — he could view the scene Whose free display of human limbs, Distressed the man of Psalms and Hymns ; And thrilled his little meagie frame, With quicken'd pulse ; and virtuous shame : He peeped ; then blushed ; then peeped again ; (For deacons are but mortal men ; E'en " Vestals " leave the " narrow way " And in the " broader" pastures stray). III. He watched the spotted clown at play ; The fiery coursers ; prance, and neigh ; He saw the " Lady-Rider," stoop. Ere bounding through the tissued hoop ; And Ague smote his palsied knees. At sight of Pandrum's great "Trapeze," Suspended o'er the gaping crowd Which stared ; and quizzed, and yelled aloud ^=xlv-''^ DEACON brown's DRKAM. With frenzied glee ; as Senor Pat (yRourke ; the Spanish Acrobat A Cork Hidalgo ; — if you i>lense — ' Who cleft the air with graceful ease, And Jove-like, sat, (see Homer's tliemc) Enthroned above the " Gods " supreme, The hero of the crowd below — That eager, "breathless," watched him throw His lissom frame ; — without a fault — In one blood-curdling somersault ; And smile his thanks ; amidst the roars And pealing " thunders, of applause." But neither Pat ; nor Maid ; nor Clown ; Could catisfy old Deacon Brown Who, — spite of S[)ain's nobility, — Now sought the great Menagerie, Where ; — caged secure — a motley crew, Of " Natural History," met his view : He heaid tlie wild enlhundered roars, Of exiles from old Afric's shores ; And trembling, stood before the cage Which stayed the Bengal- Tiger's rage ; He thrilled before the mighty paws, That sheathed the grizzly's blood stained claws ; He saw the graceful : sad Giraffe ; He heard the Chacma's barking laugh ; And thankful felt, that iron doors Shut in the Alligator's jaws ; THE HAPPY FAMILY, OR 1 (That hungered for the ceaseless tide Of youngsters ; — eager for a ride — Who whacked with many a dig and thump, *The Bactrian's dupHtated hump. He poked the agile Kangaroo ; He plagued the solemn Cockatoo ; But spared the Hip-po-pot-a-mus, And single-horned, Rhi-noc-er-os : Which proves he held without pretence The '' rarity" of " common sense" : But what surcharged him with delight, On this eventful summer's night ; Was Pandrum's '' Happy Family " ; The " Pride," of his " Menagerie " ; (Where ; — barking Dog ; and squeaking Rat The sleep destroying " Thomas Cat " ; The little Mouse ; the great Baboon ; The artful dodging, ring-tailed " Coon " ; The ravening Wolf; the tim'rous Sheep ; — Lie down together ; eat ; and sleep ; And live in Peace : and Harmony ; A model " Happy Family " ; The even tenor ; of whose life, Is ne'er disturbed by jarring strife). Amazed ; and speechless with delight ; The deacon viewed the wond'rous sight : With upturned looks ; and fingers clasped, > *The Bactriiui Camel ;— unlike tlie Arabian species ; -possesses dual humps. > iiips. DEACON brown's DREAM. The good old Baptist, faintly gasped I nev ; Hardly Ev ; ; but stay ; no more Quotations ! please ! from Pin e, As this Historian ne'er presumes. To clothe his thoughts, in " borrowed plumes " ; Suffice it then ; to simply say The choked up " Fountain," went his way Abstractedly ; — as in a dream, Regardless of the living stream Which poured in vast tumultuous tide Before ! behind ! and at his side, And onward vept ; by different ways In one loud .^ounding sea of Praise, Of Pandrum's " Happy Family " ; His Circus ; and Menagerie ; — That beached the old man on the shore Of his own treasured home ; and store. Sweet, witching n'ght of leafy June, How softly beamed the " Harvest Moon," O'er waving fields of rip'ning corn That sighed for warmth of copiing morn ; Hushed, lay the song-bird in its nest. All mankind bathed in sensuous Rest, Excepting good old Deacon Brown The leading Baptist in the town. Who, wrapped in " Close Communion " deep^ Ne'er even " dreamed " of wooing " sleep ; " For thoughts of that Menagerie, And Pandrum's " Happy Family " THE HAPPY FAMILY, OR Crept o'er his poor, distracted brain. And filled his tender heart with pain, To think, that internecine strife Existed so in Christian life ; And sadly mused how it could b", Tha' Christian men could not agre ■, And live in Peace and Harmony, Like Pandrum's ** Happy Family." •VIII- Anon, the shadows of the night, Are put to ignominious flight By tiny streaks of silver'd dawn, (That gently speak of coming morn). Whose cooir g zephyrs, softly steep The Deacon's wearied form in sleep ; And who,— ere Orient shed its beams — Had wandered in the land of dreams : He dreamed — with unconcealed delight- That he, and ev'ry " Shining Light " Of all the Christian sects, had met ; That each had promised to forget The past, and all their tenets flood In Universal Brotherhood, Whose leading principles should be — (Here — Discord— smote the " family," For not a " brother'' would condone One principle, — except his own ; And soon the Deacon saw, alas ! The " Household " one chaotic mass. I DEACON brown's DREAM He saw the Churchman, upright stand, With ramrod-back nnd pointed Hand, At Independent Constancy To narrow-minded Bigotry ;" And borne upon the sobbing wind He heard the quick retort : — " You'll find The Church of England's foremost creed, Is stuck up Pride, and Party Greed." The ** Knox Light " quizzed, — as " unrefined " — Wesley's enthusiastic mind. The Quaker tried to trim ihe " Lights '' By running down Ba])tismal Rites, Which touched our J)eacon's honest pride, That quick as lightning's flash — replied : " Our doctrines we shall ne'er regret, Cold water's never hurt us yet : " The Dogmas of ihe Vatican, Were laughed to scorn by all, — .save one, Who thought " Infallibility," Would save the recreant " Family." Now wrangling in dissension's throes. From words, they cjuickly came to blows ; Till soon the " Happy Family," Seemed but the mere ejMtome Of stifled Hats ; bedrabbled clothes; Di-*' sabled " eye ; ensanguined nose ; And tearing down of treasured Rites, }^y fratricidal "Shining Lights," 10 THE HAPPY FAMILY. Whose only object seemed to be, To decimate the " Family ; " And truth to tell, — our " Beacon Light " Fought in the thickest of the fight ; Right manfully he swelled the fray On that eventful summer's day. Till, — (cruel fate) two heavy blows, (Intended for St. Peter's nose. By Calvin's trenchant arm of might, And churchman — stalwart for the Right — \ Flew wide the Roman, and alas, Gave Deacon Brown his '■'' coup-de-grace.'''' The sunlight streaming o'er the floor, And servant knocking at the door, Recalled the dreamer back to life, From 'neath the wrecks of Party Strife : But faded were the roseate hues. Of Deacon Brovvn's Utopian views ; '* No ! " sighed the good man mourn fuUy- " The different sects will not agree ; " In Heaven, and Heaven aloi.e, can be One Christian •' Happy P'amily." :^i ' THE LORD MAYOR OF YORK AND HIS BROTHER NED. One day, — no matter when the date — The unrelenting Hand of Fate, An Uncommercial Traveller took, Sans sample-case and order-book — To York, whose time-worn Minster- Fane Was built in, — I forget whose reign ; And 'neath whose walls the vaults encrust, The warlike Thurstan's martial dust ; With legions too, of sainted dead, Of whom, — by slanderous tongues 'tis said — That they, — though Mother Church's tools, — Were really more of knaves tha.i fools. Who after lives of war and lust, (Through gifts), were numbered with the just ; The church transcribed their epilogues. And canonized the mouldering rogues. II. But love, for antiquated lore And scandal's charms, must not ignore Our gentle Un-commercial friend, '«^'l^^?^^l#^^|^ir*T* 12 THP: lord mayor of YORK, >. Who, having reached his journey's end, Cigar — en fume — with outstretched feet. Sits gazing down the busy street. The smoke between his pearly teeth, In azure tinted circles wreath, (Tr truth, he seemed reclining there, A modern type of Anti — Care ;) Anon he starts, then steps to greet A pedler, riding down the street, With donkey, cart, and crockery ware, All bound for Howden's yearly fair ; (Whose cash returns would greatly shame Some fairs of more ambitious n;ime.) III. Ha ! " what's the row ? " the Pedler cries, " One moment please," our friend replies, Before you take that beast away, A word with him I wish to sny. The cad returns — with calm repose, — (His digits stealing to his nose) " A crown I'll take to crown your joke, And quick, ere I the chance revoke." The coin is paid, the man meanwhile Retires, (his face enureathed with smiles). Whilst our old friend, (with " pulled back ' And weed inhaled with vigorous puffs,) Approached the pedler's long eared steed, (The ashes flicking from his weed,) And, — pray excuse a manly tear. The burning mass rammed down its ear. ' niffs AND HIS BROTHER NED. I"V. '3 A snort, a yell, a Runaway ! With Hades' King and more to pay ; That donkeys sentiments s<.^. »ed very clear, For, — enire nous — an ass's ear The weakest part is said to be. Of Asinine Anatomy. And in pursuit there swiftly ran, A sad, blaspheming Crockery-man, Whilst pot, and pan, and looking-glass, Were smashed by tiiat erratic ass, Who showed astounding powers of speed ; Though not an ass of " Ukraine " breed. And yet it is but fair to state He showed a clear 1-90 gait, Indeed, unbeaten stands to day The record of th-it Runaway. But all things earthly have an end, (That they should not, " the saint-s forefend,") And no exception to the rule, Was this half brother to a Mule, Who — scorning Pots and Frying-pans, — Soon reached the ancient bridge that spans The hollow bed ; where — deep and slow— The Ouse's classic waters How. But frightened by a j^assing team. He leapt the bridge, and charged the stream Whose turbid waters, Soon, alas 14 THE LORD MAYOR OF YORK For aye closed o'er that luckless ass, Oh loud his owner stormed and swore, He'd " bring the case before the law" ; (Ne'er dreaming that a red hot weed, Had caused the sad, disastrous deed.) M Next day, before the Civic chair, (In other words, my Lord the Mayor,) Our uncommerical friend was sued '' In that he did deceive ; delude ; An unsuspecting workingman That dealt in Pot, and Frying-Pan" ; And who with many a mournful wail And sigh, relates the dismal tale Whereby Ihe goods for Howden fair Are numbered with the thing's that were, Up jumped our friend ; and then and there Explained the case, before the Mayor, And proved there was a bargain made, And that the promised cash was paid, " Tut ; tut , good Pedler,-' quoth the Mayo' "Dismissed ! absurd ! the whole affair." i The case " dismissed " — on leaving Court,- My Lord the Mayor; our Traveller sought, " I, really sir; should like to know What made you treat that donkey so ? Now what on earth had you to say. AND HIS BROTHER NED, That he should act in such a way " ? " Indeed my Lord ; I must confess, T'will cause your Lordship niuch distress, Yet ; — if you wish it ; I'll relate, The cause of his untimely fate, I went to him, and simply said " What ! — carrying Pots ? disgraceful, Ned A general monger's drudge ; and you The Mayor of York's twin brother too Well ; blow me tight ; but here's a go, How could you shame his Lordship so? " " Now when I spoke ; he shook his head. And sighing mournfully ; he said Alas ! I long have felt that we Were borne in close affinity ; Here goes ! no longer will I bear, This ignominious earthenware ; No ! in the Ouse's gentle stream I'll close for aye life's ' transient dream,' With that ; My Lord ; he took to flight, And passed away from mortal sight, 'Tis only fair that you should know The cause which laid your brother low. For seeing you the child of fame, And he a ' moke' of humble name ; The rest and silence of the dead, Were sought by that poor quadruped." 15 ^Mip-^ K i6 THE LORD MAYOR OF YORK. Ml Alas ! the incandescent joke, Which kiiljd that donkey ; " yclept" a " moke" Caused York a vacant Civic chair ; For he, who'd filled the post of Mayor, Was cowed so much ; that to this day He promenades the " Milky JViry," (Whose pale ethereal bar of light, Adorns the star-gemmed hours of night ;) Here ; far removed from mortal view, He emulates the wandering Jew ; But everlastingly avoids The neighbourhood of Asteroids. \\ A