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i v^

TRAITS

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

/ ?i>

}

T.OrDOH: HUE-ST X-ELACKETT, FEE: ih 1?CH.

T n \ I i

C A V

3ioi;ii,

> /tlV; \i TliullS.

A < f t^^ I Y c

Wv<^.S

V. .. C cV^

,,„*SW-*— • — , « ._

-^u.5jf^iO^-{H^n, >>

HURST A]^D

SUCCESSOl

13, GREA'i

* ■ ' l:SIIK_..S,'

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a ,,

S.;»

'»:B:LACKF.T7

S.vddUr

! .'..•':'.*^-»r.

T U A I T S

AMERICAN HUMOUR,

BY NATIVE AUTHORS.

|H«^V i u Viv.>c t ovv. ,n Vo

V^A.<^S

C., c<i..

} i-J.

EDITED AND ADAPTED

r,Y THE AUTHOR OF " SAM SLICK,
'' THK OLD JUDGE," " NATURE AND HUMAN NATURE,
WISE SAWS AND MODERN II. STANCES,

i»

EIC. ETC.

^0^. du ;>^

' ;<> OLASSIFiCATJCW \ \

A N A P A • ^*'

LONDON:

HUEST AND BLACKETT, PUBLISHERS,

SUCCESSORS TO HENRY COLBURN,

13. GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET.

260117

JOHN' CIIILDS AND SON, TRINTERS.

rui: FAci:.

Mo-^T r.iiropcans speak of America as they do of Kiiji^land,
Vraiu'c, ur Prussia, as ono of the ^'ivat coiintrioa of tlie workl,
but without rt't'eiviiei' to the fact that it covers a lui'fjjer portion
fl" llie nloht! than all of thi'iii coHei'tively. lu like luauuer an
lilt' >n'\v EuLdaiul t'oiifiHU'racy oiML^iiially couipriscHl tlio most
t'iili<,'htt'iu'il and most powerful trausathintic nrovincea, and
the inhabitants aceidentally acquired the appeilatioi\ of Van-
kees, 80 this term is very generally api)lied to all Americans,
and is too often used as a national, instead of a |jrovineial or a
sectional S()bri(|uet. In order to fui'ui an accurate estimate of
Ihe national humour, it is necessary to bear these two <;reat
j)()pular errors constantly in view. The ICastern ami Western,
Northern and Southern States, thouijh settled by a population
speakincj the same lan<j!;uage, and enjoyiiiij the same institutions,
are so distant from eai-h other, and diller so -widely in climate,
soil, and productions, that they have but few features in com-
mon ; while the ))eople, from ithe same causes, as well as from
habits, tastes, necessities, the isparsene;*s or density of])opulation,
free soil or ^lave labour, the intensity, absence, or weakness of
religious enthusiasm, and many other peculiarities, are equally
dissimilar.

Hence humour has a character as local as tlio botindaries
of these civil subdivisions.

The same diversity is observable in that of the Enc^lish, Irish,
r.nd Scotch, and in tlieir mirthful sallies the character of each
race is plaiidy discernible.

That of the English is at once manly and hearty, and, thou<i;h
cniLellished by fancy, not exaggerated ; that of the Irish ex-
traviigant, reckless, rollicking, and kind-hearted ; while that of
the Scotch is sly, cold, quaint, practical, aiul sarcastic.

The population of the Middle States, in this particular, re-
minds a stranger of the English, that of the AVest resembles
the Irish, and the Yankees bear a still stronger allinity to the
Scutch. Among the Americans theniseivcs these distiuctioni

niEFACE.

are not only well understood and d«Tinod, but are ai^ain subdi-
vided so as to apply more ])articularly to the individual JStates.

Each has a droll a])pe".ation by wliich the character of its
yeomanry, as composed <jt" tlieir ability, <;enerosity, or manli-
ness on the one hand, and craft, economy, or ii^norance of the
world on the other, is known and illustrated. Thus, there are
the lloosiers of Indiana, the tSuckers of Illinois, the pukes of
INlissouri, the buck-eyes of Ohio, the red-horses of Kentucky,
the mud-heads of Tenessee, the wolverines of ^liehii^an, the eels
of New Euy;land, and the corn-crackers of Vir^nnia.

For the pur])()se of this work however it is perliaps sufii-
cient merely to keep in view the two grand divisions of East
and AVest, whicli, to a certain extent, may be said to embrace
those spread geographically North and ISouth, with which they
insensibly blend.

Of the former, New England and its neighbours are pre-
eminent. The rigid discipline and cold, gloomy tenets of the
Puritans required and enforced a grave demeanour, and an ab-
sence from all public and private amusements, while a sterile
and ungrateful soil demanded all t'le industry and re(|uired all
the energy of the people to e'isure a comfortable su})port.
^Similar causes produce a like result in Scotland. Hence the
striking resemblance in the humour c*^' the two people. But
though t'ne nonconformist fathers controlled and modified the
mirth of the heart, they could not repress it. Nature is more
powerful than conventional regulations, and it soon indemni-
fied itself in the indulgence of a smile for the prohibition of uu-
tseemly laughter.

Hypocrisy is short-lived :

" Vera redit facics, dissimiilata perit."

The Pufttans, as one of their descendaiits has well observed,*
emigrated " that they might have the privilege to work and
pray, to sit upon hard benches, and to listen to painful preach-
ing as long as they would, even unto thirty-seventhly, if the
ISjnrit so willed it. They were not, " he says, " plump, rosy-
gilled Englishmen that came hither, but a hard-faced, atrabili-
ors, earnest-eyed race, stift' from long wrestling with the Lord
in prayer, and who had taught 8atan to dread the new Puritan
hug. Add two hundred years' influence of soil, climate, and
exposure, with its necessary result of idiosyncrasies, and we
have the present Yankee, lull of expedient, half master of all
trades, inventive in all but the beautiful, full of shifts, not yet
capable of comfort, armed at all points against the old enemy,

* See Introduction to Biglow's Papers, p. xix.

hum:
is bi
ton t
coun
tl-"
but

PREFACE.

hun!:!:er, lonj:?animous, c;oocl at patching, not so careful for what
is best as lor what iriU do, witli a ch>sp to his purse, and a but-
ton to his pocket, not skilled to build against time, as in old
countries, but against sore-pressing need, accustomed to move
tl' ' world with no assistants but his own two feet, and no lever
but his own long forecast. A strange hybrid, indeed, did cir-
cumstances beget here, in tlie New AVorld, upon the old Puri-
tan stock, and the eartli never before saw such mystic practi-
calism, such niggard geniality, such calculating fanaticism, such
cast-iron entiiusiasni, such unwilling humour, such close-fisted
This new " Grceculus esuricns'''' will make a livincr

generositv

out of anything. He will invent new trades as well as new
tools. His brain is his capital, and he will get education at all
risks. Put him on Juan Fernandez, and he will make a spelling-
book first, and a salt-pan afterwards. In caelum jusseris, ibit,
or the other way either, it is all one so that anything is to be got
by it. Yet after all, thin, speculative Jonathan is more like
the Englishnum of two centuries ago than John Bull himself
is. He has lost somewhat in solidity, has become lluent and adapt-
able, but more of the original groundwork of character remains.

New England was most assuredly an unpromising soil
wherein to search for humour; but fortunately that is a hardy
and ])rolinc ])lant, and is to be found in some of its infinite
varieties, in more or less abundance everywhere.

To the well-known appellation of Yankees their Southern
friends have added, as we have seen, in reference to their re-
markable pliability, the denomination of " Eels." Their hu-
mour is not merely original, but it is clothed in quaint language.
They brought with them nuuiy words now obsolete and forgotten
in England, to which Ihey have added others derived from
thefr intercourse with the Indians, their neighbours the French
and Dutch, and their peculiar productions. Their pronuncia-
tion, perhaps, is not very dissimilar to that of their Puritan
forefathers. It is not easy to convey an adequate idea of it on
paper, but the following observations may render it more
intelligible :

" 1. * The chief peculiarity is a drawling pronunciation, and
sometimes accom])anied by speaking through the nose, as eend
for enil^ dawg for dog, Gawd for God, &c.

" 2. Before the sounds ow and oo, they often insert a short
2, \vhich wc will represent by the y ; as kijow for cow, vyoio for
tow, ii/oo for too, dijco for do, &.c.

"3.f The genuine Yankee never gives the rough sound to

* ?cc Introduction to Dictionary of Amoricanisms, p. xxiv., and Biglow's

Papers.

t k5CC lutroductiou tu liiijlow's i'ap»;rs, p. xxiv.

PREFACE.

the r when he can lielp it, and often displays conslderahlo in-
genuity in avoiding it, eviMi bt'f'ore a vowel.

"4. Ho sL'hlom sounds the linal y, a piece of self-denial,
if Ave consider his partiality for nasals. Tlie ssauie may be said
of the final d, as luuC and *'/c/;j' for hand and sUduL

" 5. Tiie h in auch words as ivhlJe, ivlwu, ichcre, he omita
altogether.

"6. In regard to « he shows some inconsistency, sometimer?
giving a close and obscure sound, as I/eo for J/avc, Iieiidij I'm-
luindi/, ez for as, lliet for that ; and again giving it the bruaJ
auund as in father, as luoi.some for handsome.

" 7. All in such words as daufjhter and slavjjliter he pro-
nounces <7//."

Wholly unconstrained at first by conventional usages, and
almost beyond tiie reach of the law, the inhabitants of the West
indulged, to the fullest extent, their propensity for fun, frolic,
and the wild and exciting s])orts of the chase. Emigrants from
the border States, they engrafted on the dialects of their native
places exaggerations and pecnliarities of their own, until they
acquired almost a new language, the most remarkable feature
of which is its amplification. Everything is superlative, awful,
])ov»'erful, monstrous, dreadful, almiglity, and all-fired. As
specimens of these extravagancies four narratives of the Ad-
ventures of the celebrated Colonel Crocket are given, of which
the humour consists mainly in the marvellous. As they were
desiijjned for "the million," among whom the scenes are laid,
rather than the educated class, they were found to contain
many expressions unlit for the ])erusal of the latter, which I
have deemed it proper to expunge. Other numbers in both
volumes, liable to the same objection, have been subjected to
similar expurj^ation, which,, witiiout aifecting their raciness, has
materially enhanced their value.

The tales of both AVest and South are written in the lan-
guage of the rural population, which differs as much from the
Yankee dialect as from that of the Cockney. The vocabulary
of both is most copious. Some words owe their origin to cir-
cumstances, and local productions, and have thence been sj)read
over the whole country, and adopted into general use ; such
as* backwoods, brcadstujfs, harrtns, botloms, cane-hraJce, ci/press-
brakr, corn-broom, corn-sbuckinq, charing, deadcnin(j, di(i<jinf(s,
diiij-out.jlats, husking, prairie^ shijigle,saicger, salt-lick, savajinahf
aiiag.

AFetaphorical and odd expressions often originated in some
curious anecdote or event, whicli w^i transmitted by tradition,

*•'" Introduction tu Dictionary of Amcricauisms.

PREFACE.

Vll

rable iu-

If-(lenia1,
^ be said

lie omits

imetinie:)
fiiidij Ibi-
le bruud

he pro-
lines, and
iie West
n, frolic,
lit 8 from
ir native
itil they
) feature
e, awful,
ed. As
the Ad-
of which
ev were
are laid,
contain
vvhieh I
ill both
ctcd to
less, haa

:he l.'in-
•oiii the
abulary
to cir-
i spread
; such
cj/press-
"%''''.'/•;,

n some
adition,

and soon made the property of all. Political writers and stump
speakers perform a prominent part in the invention and diffusion
of these phrases. Among others may be mentioned: To cavr
in, to acknowledge the corn, to Jlash in /he jmn, to hark up the
ivrouf/ tree, to pull up stakes, to he a caution, tojizzle out, to Jlat
out, to fix hisjlint, to he among the missing, to give him J/ssi/,
to see the elephant, to Jig around, to tucker out, to use up, to
walk into, to mizzle, to ahsquatulale, to cotton, to ^nfer, S{c.

Many have been adopted from the Indians ; from corn,
come sampf homing, and sopawn ; from the nianive plant,
mandioca, and tapioca ; and from articles peculiar to tiie abo-
riij^ines, the woriis canoe, hammock, tobacco, mocassin, pemmican,
iarhecue, hurricane, potc-wow.

The Spaniards have contributed their share to the general
stock, as cangon, cavortin, chaparral, pistarcen, rancJio, vamos.

The French have also furnished many more, such as cache,
calahoose, hodettc,hagou,sault, lecce, crevasse, hahi tan, charivari,
portage. *

The "Edinburgh Eeview" for April, ISii, in an article on
the provincialisms of the European languages, states the result
of an inquiry into the number of provincial words which had
then been arrested by local glossaries at 30,087.

" Admitting that several of them are synonymous., super-
fluous, or comiuon to each county, there are nevertheless many
of them which, although alike orthograi)liically, are vastly
dissimilar in signification. ^Making these allowances, they
amount to a little more ilian 20,0iX) ; or, accordijig to the
number of English counties hitherto illustrated, to the average
ratio of IITS to a county. Calculating the twenty-six un-
published in the same ratio (for there are supposed to be as
many words collected by persons who have never published
them), they will furnish 36,4:28 additional provincialisms, form-
ing in the aggregate 50,000 words in the colloquial tongue of
the lower classes, which can, for the chief part, produce proofs
of legitimate origin."

The process of coinage has been far more rapid and exten-
sive in America than in Euroj)e. That of words ])redominates
in the Western, and that of phrases in the Eaj«tern States. The
chief peculiarity in the pronunciation of Southern and Western
jieople, is the giving of a broader sound than is proper to
certain vowels ; as whar for where, thar for there, bar for hear.

In the following table of words incorrectly pronouuced,
such as belong to New England are designated bv the letters

♦ See Dictionary of Americanisms.

via

PREFACE.

N. E. ; those exclusively AVestern, by the letter AY. ; the
Southern words by S. ; tlie rest are common to various parts
of the Union. In this attempt at classification there are
doubtless errors and imperfections ; for an emici;rant from
Vermont to Illinois would introduce the provincialisms of his
native district into his new residence.

Artor

Ary

Atta;;ktPfl

Any win res

liacheldcT

Biignct

Bar

Becase

Bile

Choor

Chimhly

Cupalo

Cotch'cl

Critter

Curous

Dar

Darter

Deu

Deliglit'^ome

Drown .eel

Druv

Dubous

Eond

Evorywhcres

Gal

Gin

Git

Gineral

Guv

Gownd

Har

Hath ^

Hender

Hist

Hum

Humbly

Hull

Innemy

Jaunders

Jest

Jeeras

Jine

Jist

Kittle

Kiver

Larn

for After.
„ Either.

»>

Attack' d.
Anvwhoro.

>»

,, Bachelor.

„ Bayonet.

,, liear, W.

„ Because.

„ Boil.

„ Chair.

„ Chimney.

„ Cupola.

„ Caught.

„ Creature.

„ Curious.

„ Dare, AV.

„ Dauji;htcr.

„ Do, N.E.

„ Delighttul.

., Drown' d.

„ Drove, W.

„ Dubious.

„ End.

„ Everywhere.

„ Girl.

„ Give.

„ Get.

„ General.

Gave.

Gown.

„ Hair, W.
,, Hearth, S.

Hinder.

Hoist.

„ Home, N.E.

„ Homely. X.E.

„ Whole, W.

.. Oil.

Enemy.

Jaundice.

Just.

>»

„ James.

„ Join.

,, Joist, *

„ Kettle.

Cover.
Learn.

Larnin

Lives

Lcetle

Nary

Ourn

Perlite

Ilacket

Rale

llench

Ilheumatiz

Buff

Sarcer

Sarce

Sarve

Sassy

Scace

Scass

Sen

Shay

Shot

Sistern

Sich

Sot

Sorter

Stan

Star

Stun

Stiddy

Spettacle

Spile

Squiach

Streech

Suthia

Tech

Tend

Tell'd

Thar

Timersome

Tossel

Umberell

Varmint

Wall

Whar

Yaller

Yourn

for Learning.
J.icf.
Little.
Neither.
Ours.
Polite.
Rocket.
Real.
Rince.

Rheumatism.
Roof, N.E.
Saucer.
Sauce.
Serve.
Sauce.
Saucy.
Scarce.
Scarce, W.
Since, W.
Chaise, N.E.
Shut, S.
Sisters, W.
Such.
Sat.
Sort of.
Stand, N.E.
Stair, W.
Stone, N.E.
Steady, N.E.
Spectacle.
Spoil.
Quench.
Stretch, W.
Something.
Touch.
Attend.
Told, N.^.
There, W.
Timorous.
Tassel.
Umbrella.
Vermin, W.
Well, N.E.
Where, W.
Yellow.
Youra.

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•)•>

PREFACE.

Until lately the humour of the Americans has been chiefly
oral. Up to the period when the publication of the first
American " Sporting Magazine " was commenced at Baltimore,
ill 1829, and which was immediately followed by the publication,
in New York, of "The Spirit of the Times," there existed no
such class of writers in the United States, as have since that
recent day conferred such popularity on this description of
literature.

The New York " Constellation " * was the only journal ex-
])ressly devoted to wit and humour ; but " The Spirit of the
Times " soon became the general receptacle of all these fugitive
productions. The ability with which it was conducted, and the
circulation it enjoyed, induced the proprietors of other periodi-
cals to solicit contributions similar to those which were attract-
ing so much attention in that paper. To collect, arrange, and pre-
serve these specimens of American humour, and present them
to the British reader in an unobjectionable shape, is the object
of this compilation.

• See Porter's account of " The Spirit of the Times."

CONTEIfTS.

I. MV FIRST AXD LAST SPEECH IN THE GENERAL COUUT
II. IIOSS ALLEN, OF : aS!«OUKI
III. THE WIDOW KUGBY'S HV&DAND ..

IV. THE BIG HEAIl OF ARKANSAS ..

V. JOHNNY BEEDLE's COURTSHIP . .
VI. THE MARRIAGE OP JOHNNY BEEDLE
VII. JOHNNY BEEDLE's THANKSGIVING
VIII. AUNT NABBY's STEWED GOOSE . .

IX. DECLINE AND FALL OP THE CITY OP DOGTOWN

X. THE COON-HUNT ; OR, A FENCY COUNTRY
XI. A RIDE WITH OLD KIT KUNCKER
XII. SETH WILLET : TI'E ELK COUNTY WITNESS
XIII. THE TWO FAT SALS .. .. .. ..

XIV. WAU'S YUUE HOSS ? ..

XV. BOB LEE
XVI. THE SHOOTING-MATCH
XVII. THE HORSE SWAP
XVIII. THREE CHANCES FOR A WIFE . .

XIX. THE YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS . .

XX. CAPTAIN STICK AND TONEY
XXI. THE WAY BILLY HARRIS DROVE THE DRUM-FIbU TO MA
IvET « • • • • •^ • • • •

XXII. YANKEE HOMESPUN

PAOB
I

10
IS
■•30
3i
41
48
51
oG
59
0')
G9
70
72
82
06
103

lot

115

117
122

XXIII.

XXIV.

XXV.

XXVI.

XXVII.

XXVIII.

XXIX.

XXX.

XXXI.

XXXII.

PA an
1

XXXIII.
XXXIV.

XXXV.

XXXVI.

.. IS

XXXVII.

. . ."jO

XXXVIII.

.. 31

XXXIX.

.. 41

XL.

.. 48

XLI.

.. 51

XLII.

. . oG

XLIII.

. . 5a '

XLIV.

. . 05

XLV.

. . 09 1

XLVI.

.. 70

XLVII.

• • ''

XLVIII.

. . 82

XLIX.

. . 06

.. 103

LI.

.. 104

LII.

,. 115

LIII.

LIV.

.. 117

LV.

.. 122

LVI.

CONTENTS.

THE INDEFATIGABLE BEAH-HUNTER .. .,

COLONEL CROCKETT'S RIDE OX THE BACK OF A BUFFALO

COLONEL CROCKETT'S ADVENTURE WITH A GRIZZLY BEAR 132

COLONEL CROCKETT, THE BEAR, AND THE SWALLOWS
A PRETTY PREDICAMENT . .

THE EDITOR'S CREED

JOSH beanpole's courtship , .

PETEB brush, the GREAT USED UP

cousin sally DILLIARD

THE AGE OF WONDERS
HOW SIMON SUGGS "RAISED JACK" ..
MY FIRST VISIT TO PORTLAND
BILLY WARRICK'S COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE
OUR TOWN . .

"FALLING OFF A LOO," IN A GAME OF "SEVEN UP '
A YANKEE CARD-TABLE

DICK M'COY'S SKETCHES OF HIS NEIGHBOURS
KICKING A YANKEE ..

WHY MR SELLUM DISPOSED OF THE HORSE
METAPHYSICS

A TIGHT RACE CONSIDEBIN' . .
A SHARK STORY
A BEAR STORY
THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE WORLD

chunkey's fight with the panthers
a bully boat, and a brag captain

FYDGET FYXINGTON

DOING A SHERIFF . .

THE MUSCADINE STORY

POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING

THE MOTHER AND HER CHILD

PELEO PONDER ; OR, THE POLITICIAN WITHOUT A SIDE

THE THIMBLE GAME . . ' . .

MIKE HOOTER'S BAR STORY . .

PAOR

123
131

135
136
139
142
150
158
160
164
173
176
187
187
190
192
196
198
201
206
214
221
226
232
238
242
251
254
260
268
271
275
285

CONTENTS.

LVII. COCSIN (il'SS , « . *

LVIII. Tin; (iANIiKIi-riLMNO

I;[X. IKiW MIKK HOdTKU CAME VLUY NE
AHCM ('(•UNY
LX. AN INTI:KK.STIN(} intlkview
LXI. HEN AVII,>.<>n'» east Jl(i-HA(;E
LXII. MIKE El.NK IN A TUiHT I'LACE

LXIII. oLu ,siN(;iN<;-.>-(;iiooL

LXIV. WHEliE ,K)E MEIMWEATIIER WENT TO

LXV. (JEOKCIA THEATKICS..
LXVI. TAKIN(; THE CENSUS
LXVII. A KAMM.Y I'KJTl'UE ..
LXVIII. THE FASTEST TCNEUAL ON RECORD

It " V.A

L01'IN(;

PA OK

'2' JO

•2'Jf]

;}i()
;]-'■»

.•]2S

o.i 1

•Jul
•y> 1

TEAITS OF AMEEICAN nUMOUE.

MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH IN THE GENETIA-L COURT.

If I live a thousand years, I slmll never forf^et the day I was
clioson representative. Isaac Longlegs ran liimself out of a,
vear'a growth to bring nie tlie news, for I staid away from
town meeting out of dignity, as tlie way is, being a candidate.
At first I could not believe it ; though when I spied Isaac
coining round Slouch's corner, with his coat-tails ilapping in
the wind, and pulling straight ahead for our house, I felt certain
that something was the matter, and my heart began to bump,
bump so, under my jacket, that it was a > onder it didn't knock
a button off. However, I put on a bold face, and when Isaac
came bolting into the house I pretended not to be thinking
about it.

"Lieutenant Turniptop ! " says Isaac, "huh, huh, you've
got the election."

" Got what ?" says I, pretending to be surprised, in a cool-
ish sort of a way.

" Got the election," says he, " all hollow. You've got a
majority of thirteen — a clear majority — clean, smack smooth,
and no two words about it ! "

" Pooh ! " says I, trying to keep cool, though at the same

time I felt all over — I can't tell how — my skin didu't seem to

fit me. " Pooh ! " says I again ; but the idea of going into

public life, and being called Scpiire Turniptop, was almost too

much for me. I seemed to feel as if I was standing on the tip

top of the north pole, with my head above the clouds, the sun

on one side, and the moon on the other. " Got the election r*"

s<ays I ; ^' ahem ! hem ! hem ! " And so I tried to put on a

proper dignity, but it was hard work. '• Got a majority 'i "

says I, once more.

TKAITS OF AMKUICAN IIirMOUR.

" Aa 8urc ns a irun," privs Ti=ifif\c. " I lioanl it with luv own
oars. S(jiiiro Dobbit road it oil' lo tlio wlmlc meutiiig. ' Tobias
Tuniiptop has iif'ty-niiio, and — is — cliotii'n!'"

1 tiionL,dit 1 should have choked ! six niilliona of pjloriou.s
i(]('aH so(MiU'd to bo swolliiijjf up all at ono tiino withiu mo. .1
liadjust boou roadinfj; Uootor (Jrowlor's sonuou on tho ond of
the world, but now I thought the world was only bo<j;iiniiMi:^.

'■ You're re|)rosentative to the (Jineral Court," said Isaae,
slrilviiij; his foreliiiLi^er into the palm of his left hand, with aa
mueh emphasis as if a now world had been created.

I ftdt more man^nauimous than ever.

*' 1 shan't accept," saya 1. (Tiie Lord pardon me for
lyinnj.)

"Shan't accept! " scFoamed out Isaac intliep:roatestamn/o-
niont, liis i^reat j^o^^iJfle eyes starting out of his head. " JSimll I
go back and tell them so ? "

"1 mean I'll take it into consideration," said T, tryinpf to
look as important as 1 could. "Jt's an olilce of ujreat resj)ou-
sibilitv, Isaac," 1 said; " but I'll think of it, and after inalure
deliberation, if my coustituents insist upon my going — Jaac,
that'll you take to drink 1^ "

I could not sluit my eyes to sleep all that night ; and did
nothing but think of tho General Court, and how 1 shoidd look
in the great hall of the Slate House, marching uj) to my seat
to take possession. I determined right olf to have a bian new
blue coat with brass buttons ; but on second thoughts, 1 re-
membered hearing Colonel Crabtreo say that the Members
^vore their wrappers. tSo I concluded that my pepper-and-salt
coat, with the blue satinet pantaloons, would do very well. I
decided though to have my drab hat new ironed, and counter-
manded the orders for the cow-hide boots, because kid skin
Mould be more genteel. In addition to this, because public
men should be liberal, and make a more respectable appearance
than common folks, I didn't hesitate long in making up my
mind about having a watch-chain and an imitation breast-pin.
*' The check handkerchief,'' thinks I to myself, " is as good as
new ; and my pigtail queue W'ill look splendidly if the old rib-
bon is a little scoured ! "

It can't be described how much the aiTairs of the nation
occupied my attention all the next day, and three weeks after-
wards. Ensign Shute came to me about the By field ]>igs,
but I couldn't talk of anything but my legislative responsi-
bilities.

" The critters beat all natur for squealing," says he, " but
they cut capitally to pork."

TRAITS OF AMKHICAN TTITMOUR.

' Ah ! " says I, " there must bo a quorum before we can do

business."

'• The old grunlcT," savs he, " will soon be i'ut enough to
lill." ^

" Yes," says I, "iho Spoalver has the casMnp; vote."

" Your new pi«;-pen," says lie, " will lit)ld 'em all."

" 1 shall take my seat," yaid I, " aud be sworn in accordinij
to the Constitution."

" What's your opinion of eorn-robs ? " says be.

"The (Jovernor and Couneil will settle that," says T.

The concerns of the whole counuonwealth seemed to bo
restiuf]; all on my shoulders, as heavy as a fifty-six ; and every-
thiti!^ 1 heard or saw made me think of the dignity of my oHiee.
"When I met a flock of geese on the school-house green, with
Di'ncon J)o'j:skin'8 old gander at the lu'ad, "There," Bays I,
"goes the IS[)eaker, and all tlio lionourable members."

This was talked of u|) and down the town, as a proof that I
felt a proper resj)onsil)ility ; and Simon Sly said the comparison
was capital. 1 thought so too. Everybody wished me joy of
my election, and seemed to expect great things ; which I did
not fail to lay to heart. So having the eyes of the whole com-
munity upon me, I saw that nothing would satisfy them if I
didn't do something for the credit of the town. S(|uire Dobbs,
the chairman of our select men, preached me a long lecture on
responsibility.

" Lieutenant Turnipfop," says he, " I hope you'll keep np
the reputation of Squasiihoron';h."

" 1 hope I shall, Squire," says T, fori felt my dignity rising.

" It's a higldy responsible olllce, this going to the Ginerul
Court," savs he.

" I'm altogether aware of that," says I, looking serious.
"I'm aware of the totally and onieially."

"I'm glad you feel responsible," says he.

" I'm bold to say that I do feel tlie responsibility," says I ;
"aud I feel more and more responsible the more I think of it."

" Squashborough," says the Squire, "has always been a
credit to the commonwealth."

" AVho doubts it ? " says I.

"And a credit to the Giueral Court," says ho.

" Ahem ! " says I.

" I hope you'll let 'em know what's what," says he.

" I guess I know a thing or two," says I.

"But," says the Squire, " a representative can't do his duty
to his constituents without knowing the Constitution. It's my
opinion that you ought not to vote for the dog-tax."

TKAITS OF AMKUICAN HUMOUR.

"That's a matter tliiit calls for duo «l<'lil)('raiion," Pays
I. So 1 wcut homo aud begau to prepare for my K'-^iHlativo
duties.

1 «tiidio(l tl>c statute on cart-wliuels, aud the act iu addition
to un act entitled an act.

l*c()t)le luav HJtat home in their cliimnov-cornors and iniajiino
it iH an caHv thinf; to bo a represent ativo, but thin ia a very
/^'reat mistake. I'or three weeks 1 felt like a toad utuler a
liarrow, such a wei^'ht of responsibility as 1 felt on thinking; of
my duty to my constituents. But when I came to think how
much 1 was expected to do for the credit of the town, it was
overwhelminf^. All the representatives of our ])art of the
country had done great things for their constituents, and 1 was
determined not to do less. I resolved therefore, on the very
lirst consideration, to stick to the following scheme, —

To nuike a speech.

To make a motion for a bank in S(]nashborouf];h.

To njove that all salaries bt cut down one half, except the
pay of the representatives.

To second every motion for arljonrnmcnt.

Aud — ahcoi/s to vote against the J^ioston members.

As to the speech, though I had not exactly made np my
mind abftut the subject of it, yet 1 took care to have it ail
written beforehand. This was not so dillicult as some folks may
think ; for as it was all about my constituents and responsi-
bility, and Bunker Hill and heroes of ISeventy-six, and dying for
liberty, it would do for any purpose — with a word tucked in
here and there. After I had got it well by heart, I went down
in Cranberry Swamp, out of hearing and sight of anybody, and
delivered it oft', to see how it would go. It went oli' in capital
style till I got nearly tlirongh, when just as I was saying,
"Mr Speaker, here I stand for the Constitution," Tom Thumpers
lid he-goat po])pcd out of the bushes behind, and gave me
such a butt in the rear, that I was forced to make an adjourn-
ment to the other side of the fence to linish it. Afuor full trial,
I thought best to write it over again and put in more responsi-
bility, with something more about " fought, bled, and died."

When the time came for me to set off to Boston, you may
depend on it I was all of a twitter. In fact I did not alto-
gether know whether I was on my head or my heels. All
Squashborough was alive ; the whole town came to see m.e set
out. They all gave me strict charge to stand up for my con-
stituents and vote down the Boston members. I promised
them I would, for " I'm sensible of my responsibility," says I. I
promised, besides, to move heaven and earth to do something for

TKAITS OF AMKHICAN HUMOUR.

ling for

S(itins1i^nroMrjli. Tn aliort, I promised cverytliinj*, bocauso a
reprtsi'iitalivo could not do Icstj.

At last I "jjot to Boston, nnd hc'mc^ m j!;ood season, I bad
three whole daVM to nivfi'lf before the Session oj)eMed. By
way ol'doiiiij; business, 1 went rouiul to nil the 8hoi)s, pretend-
iuL' I >vante(l to buy a silk-hundkerehief. I nuinau;ed it ho as
not to upend anythincf, ti»ou<j;h the Bhopk'eep(M's were ini<»hty
sharp, tryini.' to hook nw for a bargain ; but 1 had my eye-teeth
cut, and took care never to oiler within ninepence of* the lirst cost.
Sonictinu's tlu'y talki'd saucy, in a jokinj^ kind of a way, if I
lia[)peMed to jj;o more than three times to the same shop ; but
wlu'U I told theiu 1 beloiiiijed to the General Court, it struck
them nil uj) of a heap, and they did not dare to do nnythinf;
but nuike faeea to one another. 1 think I was down upon them
ther(\

'i'he day t took my seat was a day of all the days in the
year! I whall never for2[et it. I thought I had never livt^d till
tlun. (iiles I'^KIerberry's exaltation when he was made hog-
rceve was nothinjjj to it. As for the procession, that beat eock-
tii;iitinuj. 1 treated myself to half a sheet of gin^jierbread, for J
felt as if my purse would hold out for ever. However, I can't de-
scribe everylhiiuj;. AVe were sworn in, and 1 took my seat,
though I say it myself. I took my seat : all Boston was there
to see mc do it. What a weight of responsibility 1 foit !

It beats all natiir to see what a diiUculty there is in gettinf^
a chance to make a speech. Porty things were put to the vote,
and passed, w-thout my being able to say a word, thougli I felt
certain 1 could have said something upon every one of them.
I had my speech ready, and waiting for nothing but a chance
to say "Mr Speaker,'' but something always put me out.

Tin's was losing time dreadfully, however I made it np
seconding motions, for I was determined to have my share iu
the business, out of regard to my constituents.

It's true I seconded the moiiions on both sides of the ques-
tion, which always set the other members a laughing, but says
I to them, —

" That's my affair. How do you know what my principles
are ? "

At last tw^o great questions were brought forward, wliicli
seemed to be too good to lose. These were the Dog-town turn-
pike, and the Cart-wheel question.

The moment I heard the last one mentioned, I felt con-
vinced it was just the thing for me. The other members thought
just so, for when it came up for discussion, a Berkshire member
gave me a jog with the elbow.

TIUITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"Turniptop," says he, " now's your time, Squashborough
for ever! "

!Xo sooner said than done. I twitched off my hat, and called
out, —

" 3Ir Speaker ! "

As sure as you live I had caii«;]it him at last. There M'ds
nobody else had spoken quick euough, and it was as clear as
preachen 1 had the iloor.

" Gentleman from ISquasliborough," says he, I heard him
say it.

Now, thinks I to myself, I must begin, whether or no.
"Mr Speaker!" says I, again, but 1 only said it to gain time,
for I could hardly believe 1 actually liad the floor, and all the
con!j:re<2;ated wisdom of the commonwenlth was listening and
looking on : the LJiought of it made me crawl all over, " ]Mr
Speaker ! " says 1, once more. ]']veryl)ody looked round at me.
Thiidvs I to myself, " there's no clawing oil' this hitch. I must
begin, and so here goes ! "

Accordingly I gave a loud hem ! said, " Mr Speaker!" for
the fourth time. " Mr Speaker, I rise to the question — "
though it did not strike me 1 had been standing up ever since
I came into the house. " I rise to the ([uestiou, Mr S[)eaker,"
says I. But to see how terribly strange some things Avork.
jVo sooner had I fairly rose to the question, and got a chance to
make my speech, thi.u I began to wish myself a hundred miles

oir.

Five minutes before I was as bold ns a lion, but now I
should have been glad to crawl into a knot-hole. " Mr S])eaker^
I rise to the question," says I again, but I am bound to sav,
the more I rose to the question the more the question seemed
to tall away from me. And just at that minute, a little fat
round-faced man, wdth a bald head, that was sitting right before
ji 3, speaks to another member, and says, —

" What squeaking fellow is that ? "

It dashed me a good deal, and I don't know but I should
liave sat right down without another Avord, but Colonel Crab-
a[)ple, the member for Turkeytown, gave me a twitch by the
tad of my wrapper.

"That's right, Turniptop," says he, "give tliem the grand
touch."

This had a mighty encouraging effect, and so I hemmed and
liawed three or four times, and at last made a bc'i-iinnnji.

" ;Mr Speaker," says I, "this is a subject of vital iinj)ortance.
The question is, JMr Speaker, on the amendment. I have a
decided opinion on that subject, Mr Speaker. I'm altogether

oppose

constii

expres

forefat

posed

vital i

TIIAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

for

opposed to the last gentleman, and I feel bound in duty to my
constituents, Mr iSpeaker, and tiie responsibility of my otlice, to
express my mind on tliis subject. JNJr ISpeaker, our glorious
furefatliers fought, bled, and died for glorious liberty. I'm op-
])0sed to this question, ]\[r Speaker — my constituents have a
vital interest in the subject of cart-wheels.

" Lee us take a retrospective view, Mr Speaker, of the
present condition ofall the Kingdoms and tribes ot' the earth.

" Look abroad, Mr Speaker, over the wide expansion of
nature's universe — beyond the blazing billows of the Atlantic.

" Behold Buonaparte going about like a roaring thunderbolt !
All the world is turned topsy-turvy, and there is a terrib' j
rousing among the sons of men.

" But to return to this subject, IMr Speaker. I'm decidedly
opposed to the auiendnient: it is contrary to the princi[)les ot*
freemen and the })rinciples ot" responsibility. Tell it to your
childnm, Mr Speaker, and to your children's children, that
freedom is not to be bartered, like Esau, for a mess of potash.
Liberty is the everlasting birthright of the grand community
of nature's freemen. Sir, the member from Boston talks of
horse-shoes, but I hope we shall stand up for our rights. If
we only stand up for our rights, Mr Speaker, our rights will
stand up for us, and we shall all stand uprightly without shiver-
ing or stiaking. Mr Speaker, these are awful times; money is
hard to get. whatever the gentleman from liowley may say
about pumpkins.

"A true patriot will die for his country. INIay we all imi-
tate the glorious example and die for our country. Give up
keeping cows ! Mr Speaker, what does the honour ble gentle-
man mean? Is not agriculture to be cultivated.'' lie that
sells his liberty, ]Mr Speaker, is worse than a cannibal, a uulten-
tot, or a hippopotamus. The member from Ciiarlestown has
brought his pigs to a wrong inarket. 1 stand up for cart-
wheels, and so do my constituents. AVhen our couniry calls
us, Mr Speaker, may we never be backward in coming forward ;
and all honest men ought to endeavour to keep the rising
generation from falling. Not to dwell upon this point, Mr
Speaker, let us now enter into the subject."

Xow it happened that just at this moment the little fat,
bald-headed, round-faced man Avriggled himself r-undjust in
front of me, so that I could not help seeing him ; and just as I
was saying "rising generation," he twisted the corners of his
mouth into a (juecr sort of pucker on one side, and rolled the
whites of his little, grey, twinklini; eyes right up in my fice.
The members ail stared right at us, and made a kind of snicker-

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ini^ cluck, cluck, cluck, that seemed to ruu whistling over the
whole house.

1 felt awfully bothered, I can't tell how, but it gave me
such a jerk oif the hooks, tliat I could not remember the next
words, so that I felt in my pocket for the speech, — it was not
there ; then in my hat, it wasn't there ; then behind me, then
botli sides of me, but lo ! and behold, it was not to be found.
The next instant 1 remembered that I had taken it out of my
hat in a shop in Dock S(piare that morninij;, while I was com-
paring tlie four corners of my check handkerchief with a ban-
dainia. That was enough — I knew as quick as lightning that
I was a gone goose. 1 pretended to go on with my speech,
and kept saying'' rising generation," " my constituents," "enter
into the subject, JMr Speaker." But 1 made hawk's-meat of it
you may depend ; finally, nobody could stand it any longer.
The little fat man with tiie round face put his thumb to the
side of his nose, and made a sort of twinkling with his fingers ;
the Speaker began to giggle, and the next minute the whole
house exploded like a bomb-shell. I snatched up my hat under
cover of the smoke, made one jump to the door, and was down-
stairs before you could say " second the motion ' "

11.

nOSS ALLEN, or MISSOTIET.

Tuts celebrated gentleman is a recognized "Jioss^^ certain-
ly ; and, we are told, rejoices as much at his cognomination as
he did at his nomination for the chair gubernatorial, last elec-
tion, lie did not run well enough to reach the chair, though
it appears, from his own account, that his Jioss qualities, " any-
how," lall considerable below those of the sure-enough ani-
mal. This is his story, which he is very fond of relating up
by Parnyry.

"^ou see, boys, I came to old river, and found I had to
swim. Had best clothes on, and didn't know what to do.
' What river? ' AVhy, Salt river. Our Salt, here in Missouri,
darned thing ; always full when don't want it. Well, boys, you
knows Hoss Allen — no back out in him, anyhow ! Stripped to
the skin, just tied clothes up in a bundle, strapped it on the
critter's head, and 'cross we swum together. AVell, don't you
think, while 1 was gittin' up the bank, the wicked thing got away,

TRAITS OF AMEKICAN HUMOUR.

and started off" with my clotlioa on lils head ; and tlio innro
Iran, and liollcred, and ' wlioa'd,' the more I eonlihi't cati.*h
the cussed varniiut. 'Way he'd go and I arter — hot as topliit
too all the way, and yaller flies about; and when I did get
tol'ble near, he'd stop and look, cock hia ears, and give a snull',
as it' he never smelt a man albre, and then streak it off agin,
as if I had been an Ingin.

" Well, hoys, all I had to do was to keep a folierin' on, and
keep llie^i olT; and I did, till we came to a slough, and says
I, 'Now, old feller, I got you;' and I driv him i)i. Well,
arter all, do yon know, fellers, the auful critter wouldn't stick !
lie went in and in, and by'm-by came to a de(^]) place, and
swum right across. A fact — true as thunder! Well, vou see,
when I cum to the deep place I swum too; and, do you knou',
that the darned beast just nat'rally waited till I got out, and
looked at me all over, and I could act'ily see him lallin' ; and
1 ica.s' nasty enough to make a boss laugh, any how !

" Well, thinks I, old feller, recon you'v had fun enongh with
me noKJ ; so I gits some sticks, and scrapes myself all over, and
got tol'ble while again, and then begins to coax the varmint.
A\''ell, I ' whoa'd and ' old boy'd, ' and cum np right civil to him,
I tell ye — and he took it nn'ghty condescendin' too; and jisb
when I had him sure, cussed if he didn't <^o right back into the
sloiic;h agin, swum the deep place, walked out, and stood on
t'other side, waitin' for mo.

" AV^ell, by this time the yaller flies cum at me agin, and
I jist nat'rally went in after the blasted beust, and stood aforo
him on t'other side, just as nasly as hpfore — did, by thundei',
boys! "Well, he la^cd agin, till he nearly shook the bundle off;
and 'way he went, back agin, three miles, to the river ; and then
he jest stopped dead, and waited till I cum np to him, and jest
kind a axed me to cum and take hold of the bridle, and then
guv a kick and a 'ruction, and went in agin, lafllu' all the time ;
and right in the middle, hang me ! if he didn't shake my clothes
oft*, and 'way they went, down stream, while he swum ashore;
and I, jest nat'rally, lay down on the bank, and cussed all
creation.

" AV^ell, yon see, boys, tliere I lays 'bove a honr, when I seea
a feller puUin' up stream in a skifc, a-tryin' on a coat, and says
I.—' Stranger, see here, when you're done gittin' my coat on,
I'll thank you for mj/ shirts And the feller sees how it was,
and pulls ashore, and helps me.

"I tell you what, boys, yon may talk of ho?»s lafs ; but,
when you want a good one, just think of Uoss Allen ! "

ii •

III.

THE WIDOW RUGBY S HUSBAND.

So?*rE ton or twelve years agone, one Summeval Dennis
kept tlie " Union Hotel," at the yeat of Justice of the comity
of Tallapoosa. The house took its name from the complexion
of tlie politics of its proprietor, he bein^ a true-hearted Union
man, and opposed, as I hope all my readers are, at all points to
the damnable heresy of nuJIiJication. In consequence of the
candid exposition of his political sentiments upon his sign-board
mine host of the "Union" was liberally patronized by those
who coincided with him in his views.

In those days party spirit was, in that particular locality,
exceedingly bitter and prescriptive ; and had Summeval's chiek-
ens been less tender, his eggs less impeachable, his coffee more
sloppy, the " Union Hotel " would still have lost no guest, its
keeper no dinners. But, as Dennis Avas wont to remark, " The
l\irli/ relied on his honour, as an honest man, bnt more espe-
cially as an honest Union man, he was bound to give them the
value of their m(mcy."

(llorious fellow was Summeval ! Capital landlady was his
good wile, in all the plenitude of her cinbonpoint ! Well-be-
haved children too were Summeval's, from the shaggy and red-
lieaded representative of paternal peculiarities, down to little
Solomon of the sable locks, whose '• favour " ]mzzlcd the neigh-
bours, and set at defunice all known physiological principles.
Good people, all, were the Dennises. May a hungry man never
fall among worse !

Among the political friends who had for some years bestow-
ed their ])atronage, semi-annually, during Court-week, upon the
proj)rietor of the " Union," was Captain ISimon Suggs, whose
deeds of valour and stratc2;y are not known to the public.
The Captain had " put up " with our friend Sunnneval time
and again ; had pulled the " Union," both " before the face
and behind the back " of its owner, until it seemed a miniature
of the microcosm that bears the name of Astor ; and, in short,
was so generally useful, accommodating, and polite, that nothing
short of long-continued and oft-repeated failures to settle hin
h/'ILs' could have induced Summeval to consider Suggs in other
liLrht than as the best friend the " Union " or anv other house
ever had. But, alas ! Captain Suggs had, from one occasion

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

to another, upon excuses the inoat plausible, Jind with protesta-
tioud the moat prolbuud, invariably left the l;it lurilcr and warm
heels of the " Union," witliout leaving behind the slightest
pecuniary remuneration with JSummeval.

For a long time, the patient innkeeper bore the impositioa
with a patience that indicated some hope of eventual payment ;
hut year in and year out, and the money did not eouie. Mrs
JScnnis at length spoke out, and argued the necessity of a
tavern-keeper's collecting his dues, if he was disposed to do
justice to himself and family.

" Suggs is a nice man in his talk," she said, " nobody can
fault him, as fiir as tliat is concerned; but smooth talk never
]!aid for Hour and bacon;" and so she recouunended to iier
loaner half, that the next time, sununary measures should be
.adopted to secure the amount in which the Captain was indebted
to tlie "Union Hotel."

vSummeval determined that his wife's advice should be strictly
followed ; for he had seen, time and again, that her suggestions
had been the salvation of the establishment.

" ifadn't she kept him from pitcliln' John Seagroves, neck
and heels, out of the window for sayin' that nuUilication wariit
treason, and John C. Calhoun warn't as bad as Benedict Anujld ?
And hadn't Joiui been a good pay in' customer ever since ?
Tliat was what he wanted to know."

cone

The next session of the Circuit Court after this prudent
elusion had been arrived at in Dennis's mind — the Circuit

Court with all its attractions of criminal trials, poker-playing
lawyers, political caucases and possible monkey shows, found
Ca])tain ISuggs snugly housed at the •' Union."

Time passed on swiftly for a week. The judge was a hearty
iiipior-loving fellow, and lent the Captain ten dollars " oil
sight." The AVetumplva and Montgomery lawyers bled freely.
In short, everything went bravely on for the Captain, untifa
man with small-pox pits and a faro-box came along. The Cap-
lain yielded to the teuiptation, yielded with a prest>ntiment on
liis mind that he should be " slain." The " tiger " was triumph-
ant, and Suggs was left without a dollar !

As if to give intensity to his distress, on the morning after
his losses at the i'aro-bauk, the friendly Clerk of the Court
hinted to Suggs that the graiul jury had found an indicimeiit
against him for gaming. Here was a dilemma ! Not only out
of funds, but obliged to decamp before the adjournment of tiie
Court— obliged to lose all opportunity of redeeming his " fallen
fortunes " by further pliu-king the greenhorns in attendance.

'•This here," said Simon, "is an everiastin' fix! a milo

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

and a quarter sqiiaro and fenced in all round. "What's a
rmsnnablc, man to do? Ain't 1 bin workin' and strivin' all for
tliG best ? Ain't I done my duty ? Cuaa tliat malu)f,^any box.
1 wish the man that invented it had had his head sawed oil' with |
a cross-cut just afore he thought on't. Now thar's tlie senee ia
.short card:;. All's fair, and cheat and cheat alike is the order;
and the longest pole knocks down persimmon. But whar's tlio
reason in one of your darned boxes, full of springs and the like,
and the better y/o advantages, except now and then when he kin
kick up a S(puibble, and the dcahi 's ofeard of him.

" I'm for doin' things on the square. What's a man without
liis honour? EF natur give me a gift to beat a feller at 'old
sledge' and the like, it's all right ! But whar's the justice iu
a tiling like farrer, that ain't got but one side! It's strange |
wiiat a horrir 1 have for the cussed thing. No matter how 1
make an honest rise, I'm sure to ' back it off' at farrer. As mv
Avil'e says, ^J'arrar's my heseitin^ sin. ' It's a weakness — a sott
spot, it's a — a — let me see! — it's a way I've got of a runniu'
agin Providence. But hello! here's Dennis."

WHien the inn-keeper walked up, Captain Suggs remarked
to him that there was a " little paper out," signed by Toi.i
(larrett, in his ojjlcial capaciti/, that was calculated to hurt
feelin's, if he remained in town, and so he desired that his horse
might be saddled and brought out.

ISummeval replied to this by presenting to the Captain a
slip of paper containing entries of many charges against JSuggs,
and in favour of the " Union Hotel."

" All right," said Suggs ; " I'll be over in a couple of weeks
and settle."

" Can't wait ; want money to buy provisions ; account been
standing two years ; thirty-one dollars and tifty cents is money
these days," said Dennis, with unusual firmness.

" Confound your ugly face," vociferated Suggs, " I'll give
you my note I that's enough among gentlemen, I suppose ? "

" Hardly," returned the inn-keeper, " hardly ; we want the
cash ; you're note ain't worth the trouble of writin' it."

" Dam you ! " roared Suggs, " dam you for a biscuit-headed
mdUjier ! I'll give you a mortgage on the best half section
of land in the county ; south half of 13, 21, 29 ! "

" Captain Suggs," said Dennis, drawing off his coat, "you've
called me a nullilier, and that's what I luoii't stand from no man.
Strip ! and I'll whip as much dog out of you as'll make a full
pack of hounds. You swindlin' robber ! "

This hostile demonstration alarmed the Captain, and he set
iu to soothe his angry landlord.

"Sii
fel ! be
himself
cause
fellow —
ketched ;
you are
up with
richlv W'
The
It was to
on his
take the
!<tanding
would se
The '
known t
"Yoi
whom h(
is, I'm d
meval be
"T'ai
" AVli
"Of;
never paij
" We
directnes
Avas sayii
trusts an
even whe
soap-taih
tlie cai^e,
^ 21,13,2
worth foi
"It!
grateful
slanders
patronize
" Ne'

a T n
'

lettin' hi

satisfaeti

" Yes

up and n

true to L

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

AVliat's a
via' all for
:)f,Mny box.
ed ott' with
le scnce in
tlie order ;
wluir's the
id the like,
hen he kiu

[in without
ler at ' old
; justice in
t's strange
itter how 1
;r. As my
ess — a sot't
' a rnnnin'

\ remarked
'A by Tom
ed to hurt
t his horse

Captain a
inst ISuf:;2;s,

ie of weeks

'ount been
|s is money

"I'll give
pose ? ''
13 want the
tt."
luit-headed

ilf section

"you've
Im no mail,
lake a full

ind he set

"Slim, old fel," he said, in most honeyed tones, "Sum, old
fell be easy. I'm not a lightin' man — " and here Su^gs drew
himself up with dignity, " I'm not a fii:jhtin' man except in tho
cause of my country ! Thar I'm aUers found ! Come, old
^•^^llo^v — do you reckon ef you'd been a nullifier, I'd ever been
kctched at your house ? No, no! you ain't no part of a nullllicr, but
vou are rather hard down on your Union friends that allers puts
up with you. Say, won't you take the mortgage ? — the land's
richly worth a thousand dollars,, and let me have Old Bill."

The heart of Dennis was melted at the appeal thus made.
It was to his good-fellowship and his party feelings. So putting
on his coat, he remarked that he " rather thought he would
take the mortgage. However," he added, seeing Mrs Dennis
standing at the door of the tavern watching his proceedings, " he
would see his wife about it."

The Captain and Dennis approached the landlady and made
known the state of the case.

" You see, Cousin Betsey," — Suggs always coiisined any lady
whom he wished to cozen — ''you see, Cousin Betsey, the fact
is, I'm down just now in the way of money, and you and Sum-
meval bein' afraid I'll run away and never come back — "
"T'aint that Fon afraid of," said Mrs Dennis.
"What then? " asked Suggs.

" Of your comiu' back, eatin' ns out of house and home, and
never pai/ in' notJiin' .'"

"Well," said the Captain, slightly confused at the lady's
directness ; " well, seeiu' that's the way the mule kicks, as I
was sayin', I proposed to Sum here, as long as him and you dis-
trusts an old Union friend that's stuck by your house like a tick
even when the red-mouthed nullifiers swore you was feedin' us
soap-tails on huU-beef ai^d blue collards — I say, as long as that's
tlie catie, I propose to give you a mortgage on the south half of
21, 13, 29. It's the best half section in the county, and it'3
worth fortv times the amount of your bill."

" It looks like that ought to do," said Summeval, who was
grateful to the Captain for defending his house against the
slanders of the nullifiers; "and seeiu' that Suggs has always
patronized the Union and voted the ichole ticket — "

" Never split in my life," dropped in Suggs, with emphasis.
"I," continued Dennis, "am for takin' the mortgage, and
lettin' him take Old Bill and go ; for I know it would bu a
satisfaction to the nullitiers to have him put in jail."

"Yes," quoth the Captain, sighing, "I'm about to be tuk
up and made a martyr of on account of the Union ; but I'll die
ti'ue to my priui'/pples, see if I don't."

TRAITS OF AMEKICAN IIUxMOUR.

" Thoy slum't take you," said Dennis, his loni^, lank fori:,
stifteninj^ witli enorgy an lie spoke ; "as long as tliey put it on
ihdt hook, hanfj'ed ef they sliull. Give U8 the mortgage and
slope ! "

" You ain't got no rights to that land; I jist know it, or
vou wouldn't want to niortuafje it for a tavern bill," shouted
JNIrs Dennis; "and I tell you and Summeval hoth, that Old
Jjiil don't go out of that stable till the money's paid — mind, I
say mono/ — into mi/ hand," and here the good lady turned oil
and called Bob, the stable-boy, to bring her the stable key.

Tiie Captain and Summeval looked at each other like two
children scliool-boys. It was clear that no terms short of pay-
ment in money would satisty Mrs Dennis. Suggs saw that
Dennis had become interested in his behalf; so acting upon the
idea, he suggested, —

" Dennis, sup])ose yon loan me ilie monei/ ? "

" Egad, Suggs, I've been thiiddn' of that ; but as I have
only a lifty dolhir bill, and my wife's key bein' turned ou that,
tliere's no chauc'e. Drott it, I'm sorry for you."

"Well, the Jiord '11 purvide," said Suggs.

As Captain Suggs could not get away that day, evidently,
he arranged, through his friend Summeval, with the clerk, not
to issue a capias until the next afternoon. Having done this,
he cast around for some way of raising the wind ; but the fates
were against him, and at eleven o'clock that night he went to
bed in a fit of the blues, that three pints of whiskey had failed
to dissipate. An hour or two after the Captain had got be-
tween the sheets, and after every one else was asleep, he heard
some one walk unsteadily, but still softly, up-stairs. An occa-
sional hiccup told that it was r-ome fellow cirunk ; and this was
coniirmed by a heavy fall, which the unfortunate took as soon
as, leaving the railing, he attempted to travel suis pedibits.

"Oh! good Lord!" groaned the fallen man; "who'd a
thought it ! Me, John P. Pullum, drunk and fallen down ! I
never Avas so before. This world's a turnin' over and over.
Oh, Lord ! Charley Stone got me into it. What will Sally say
if she hears it? Oli, Lord!"

"That thar feller," said the Captain to nimself, "is the
victim of vice. I wonder ef he's got any money ? " and the
Captain continued his soliloquy inaudibly.

Poor Mr Pullum, after much tumbling about, and sundry
repetitions of his fall, at length contrived to get into bed, in a
room adjoining that occupied by the Captain, and only separ-
ated from it by a thin partition.

" I'm very — very — oh, Lord ! — drunk ! Oh ! me, is this

TRAITS OF AMERICAN JIUMOUR.

,ToliTi ?. Pull urn that — good Heavens ! I'll faiut— married Sully
Kugl)y ? oh ! oh !"

"" Ah ! I'm so weak ! — wouldn't have Sally — aw — owh — wha

oh, Lord! — to hear of it lor a luiiuUvd dolhirs ! She t'nid

when she ao^reod for me to sell the cotton, I'd be certain — oh,
Lord! 1 believe I'll die!"

The inebriate fell back on his bed, almost faintint]:, and
Cnptain Su<(ns thought he'd try an experiment. Dis<^nising
hia voice, with his mouth close to the partition, he said, —

*' You're a liar ! you didn't marry AV^idow liugby ; your
some thief tryin' to pass oil' for something."

" Who am I then, if I ain't John P. Pnllum, that married
the widow Sally liugby, Tom Rugby's widow, old J3ill Stearns's
onlv daughter ? Oh, Lord! ef it ain't me, who is it r* Where's
Charley Stone— can't he tell if it's John P. PuUum ? "

'• No, it ain't von, vou Ivin' swindler ; vou ain't got a dollar
in the world, and never married no sieh widow," said Suggs,
still disguising his voice.

" I did— I'll be hanged if I didn't. I know it now ; S:illy
Eiigby with the red head, all of the boys said I married her for
her money, but it's a — oh. Lord! I'm very ill."

Mr Pullum continued his maudlin talk, half asleep, half
awake, for some time ; and all the while Captain Suggs wa.A
analyzing the man — conjecturing his precise circiunstances, his
family relations, the probable state of his purse, .and the like.

" It's a plain case," he mused, "that the feller married a
red-headed widow for her money — no man ever married 8i(;li
fi)r anything else. It's plain agin, she's got the property set-
tled upon lier, or fixed some way, for he talked about her
'ai^reein' for him to sell the cotton.' I'll bet he's the new
feller that's droj)ped in down thar by Tallassee, that Charley
8tone used to know. And I'll bet he's been down to AVe-
tumpka to sell the cotton — got on a bust thar — and uow's on
another here. He's afeard of his wife too ; leastways his voice
trembled like it, when he called her red-headed. Pullum ! Pul-
lum ! Pullum ! " Here Suggs studied. " That's surely a Talbot
county name — I'll venture on it, anyhow."

Having reached a conclusion, the Captain turned over in
bed and composed himself for sleep.

At nine o'clock the next morning, the bar-room of the
"Union" contained only L'^^nnis and our friend the Captain.
Ereakfjist was over, and the nost of the temporary occupants
of the tavern were in the public square. Captain Suggs was
watching for Mr Pullum, who had not yet come down to
breakfast.

TRAITS OF A:^IERICAN HUMOUR.

At lencjth an uncertain step was hoard on the atnirway, nnrl
a youn;; man, whose face showed indisputable evideiicc* oi' a
IVolic on tlie previous night, descended. His eyes were hhxid-
shot, and his expression was a mingU'd one of shame and Icar.
I'aptain Suggs waliced up to him, as lie entered the bar-room,
gazed at his face earnestly, and slowly placing his hand on hia
bhouldcT, as slowly, and with a stern expression, said, —

" Your — name — is — Pullum ! "

" I know it is," said the young man.

" Come this way then," said Suggs, pulling his victim out
into the street, and still gazing at him with the look of a stern
but aifectiouate parent. Turning to Dennis as they went out,
he said, —

" Have a cup of coffee ready for this young man in fifteen
minutes, and his horse by the tinu) he's done drinking it."

IMr Pullum looked confounded, but said nothing, and he
and the Captain walked over to a vacant blacksmith's shop
across the street, where they could be free from observation.

"You're from AYetumpka last," remarked Suggs with se-
verity, as if his words charged a crime.

" AVhat if I am ? " replied Pullum, with an efibrt to appear
bold.

" What's cotton worth ? " asked the Captain, with an
almost imperceptible wiidt.

Pullum turned white and stammered out, —

" Seven or eight cents."

" AVhich will you tell your wife you sold yours — liers for ? "

John P. turned blue in the face.

" What do you know about my wife ? " he asked.

" Never mind about tliat. Was you in the habit of gettin'
drunk before you left Talbot county, Georgy ? "

" I never lived in Talbot ; I was born and raised in Ilanis,"
said Pullum, with something like triumph.

" Close to the line, though," replied Suggs, confidently re-
lying on the fact that there was a large family of Pullums in
Talbot ; " most of your connections lived in Talbot."

" AYell, what of all that ? " asked Pullum, with impatience ;
" what is it to you whar I come from or whar my connection
lived?"

" Never mind — I'll show you — no man that married IBilly
Stearns's daughter can carry on in the way yoxCve heeti dom^
without ray interferin' for the intrust of the family ! "

Suggs said this with an earnestness, a sternness, that com-
pletely vanquished Pullum. He tremulously asked, —

" How did you know that I married Stearns's daughter ? "

iutini:]
kuoW(i
it— g<{
then <"|
Hallv

'aH

burrow
of tho

TRAITS OP A>n:niCAN IIUMOTni.

" TImt'fl a fact 'most jinyliody ooulil hrivo known t1i.it was
iiitiniato willi tho lamily in old tinu's. You'd bottor asU how I
knowed that you tuk jioiir wijvs cotton to Wotuuipka — sohl
\\^ — (rot on a spree — aflA'P Sally ^ivo you a caution too — aud
th(Mi caino by hen*, ijot on (inoliKr sprre. What do you reckon
8allv ^vill say to you when you ii;ot homo ? "

'' Slio won't know it," roplicil i'uilum ; " unlcsa aomebody
tells her."

"Somebody iy//Z tell her'' s:\id Sui^qjs ; "I'm goini^ homo
with you as soon as you'vo h;id breakfast. My poor Sully
KiiL^by shall not bo trampled on in this way. I've only got lo
burrow lit'ty dollars from tsome of tho boys to make out a couple
of thonsand. I need to make the last payment on my laud.
80 go over and eat your bn.'akfast quick."

" For God's sake, Sir, don't tell Sally about it ; you don't
know how unreasonable she is."

Pullum was the incarnation of misery.

"The divil I don't! she bit this piece out of my face,"
here Suggs pointed to a scar on his cheek, " when I had iier
uu my lap a little girl only five years old. Slie was always
game. "

PuUum grew more nervous at this reference to his wife's
mettle.

" My dear Sir, I don't even know your name."

" Suggs, Sir — Captain Simon Suirgs."

" Well, my dear Captain, ef you'll just let me off this time,
I'll lend you the fifty dollars."

^''You'll — lend — me — the— -fifty — dollars ! TVho asked yoib
for your money, or rather SalJifs money ? "

" I only thonght," replied tiie humble hushand of Sally,
*' that it might be an accommodation. I meant no harm ; I know
Sally wouldn't mind my lending it to an old friend of the family."

" Well," said Suggs, and hei-e he mused, shutting his eyes,
hitino: his lips, and talking very slowly, " ef 1 kuovved you would
do better."

" I'll swear I will," said Pull urn.

" No swearin'. Sir ! " roared Suggs, with a dreadful frovai;
" no swearin' in my presence ! "
' No, Sir, I won't any more."

' Ef, " continued the Captain, " I hiowed you'd do better
— yo rifjht home " (the Captain didn't wish Pullum to stay
where his stock of information might be increased), "and treat
Sally like a Avife all the rest of your days, I might, may he, bor-
row the fifty (seein' it's Sally's any way), and let you off

this time."

TRAITS OF AMrUICAN HUMOUR.

" Ef you will, Capf.iin Su2;rrH, I'll never forf^ot you ; I'll think
of you nil tiu» days of my life."

" I ;;innarally inalceH my mark, bo that I'm hard to forget,"
said tlie Captain trut/if'ul/i/. " Well, turn me over a lifty for a
couple of mouths, and go home."

Mr Pull urn handed the money to Sucfcjs, who Hoemed to
rocoive it reluctautly. lie twisted the bill iu his iiugers, and
remarked, —

" 1 reckon I'd bettor not take this money ; you won't g(;
home aiul do as you said."

"Yes, I will," said Pullum; " yonder's my horse at the
door. I'll start this minute."

The Captain and Pullum returned to the tavern, where the
latter swallowed his eollee and paid his bill.

As the young man mounted his horse, Suggs took him
all'ectionately by the hand.

*' John," said he, " go home, give my love to cousin Sally,
and kiss her for me. Try and do better, John, for the futur' ;
and ef you have any children, John, bring 'em up in the way
of the Lord. Good-bye ! "

Captain Suggs now paid his bill, and had a balance on hand.
lie immediately bestrode his faithful " Bill," musing thus as he
moved homeward, —

" Every day I git more insight into things. It used to be,
I couldn't understand the manna in the wildi'ruess, and the
ravens feedin' Elishy ; now, it's clear to my eyes. Trust in
Providence — that's the lick ! Here was I in the wilderness,
sorely oppressed, and mighty nigh despar, Pullum come to me,
like a 'raven,' in my distress— and ufat one, at that ! ''Yell,
as I've allers said, honesty and Providence will never fail to
fetch a man out ! Jist give me that for a hanilf and I'll ' stand '
agin all creation! "

IV.

THE BIG BEAR OF AREIANSAS.

A STEVM-BOAT ou the Mississippi frequently, in making her
regular trips, carries between places varying from one to two
thousand miles apart ; and as these boats advertise to land
passengers and freight at " all intermediate landings," the
heterogeneous character of the passengers of one of these up-

TRAITS OF AMRRICAN lirMOl'U.

(•ouniry bnnta can scnrcoly bo iiuni^incd by (mo who has novcr
btrii it with Ilia own oncs.

Sta»'*in^ from New Orloana in one of thoso boats, you will
find yoursi'lf aasociatcJ with www from every dilate in the Union,
iiiul from every portion of th(» ghdx' ; and a uian of obaerva-
tidii need not hu'k for amusement or in.striu'tion in sueh a crowd,
ifiie will take the troubU; to read the great book of character
so favourably opened before him. Here may be seen jostliiij^
tdi^ether the wealthy ISouthern planter and tin; pedlar of tin-
wnre from ^vw Enf,iaiul — the Xorlhern merchant and the
Sdufhern jockey — a venerable bishoj) and a desperate j^amblcr
— the land ^[jeculator and the honivst farmer — professional men
of all creeds ami characters — Wolvereeiis, Suckers, Jloosiers,
JJiick-eyes, and Corncrackers, beside a "plentiful Hprinkling"
(if the half-horse and half-alli<:;ator speciea of men, who are
j)cculiar to "old Mississippi," and who appear to <j;ain a livcli-
hodd simply by going up and down the river. In the pursuit
(if |)leasure or business 1 have frequently found myself iu such
a crowd.

On one occasion, when in New Orleans, I had occasion to
Inke a trip of a few miles up the IMississippi, and I hurried on
hoard the well-known " high-pressure-and-beat-every-thing "
Ftcam-boat " Invincible," just as the last note of the last bell was
sounding ; and when the confusion and bustle that is natural
to a boat's getting under way had subsided, I discovered that
I was associated in as heteiogeneous a crowd as was ever got to-
gether. As my trip was to be of a few hours' duration only, I
made no endeavours to become acquainted with my fellow-
])assengers, most of whom would be together many days. In-
stead of this, I took out of my pocket the " latest paper," and
more critically than usual examined its contents ; my fellow-
passengers at the same time disposed of themselves in little
groups.

AVhile I was thus busily employed in reading, and my com-
panions were more busily still employed in discussing such
subjects as suited their humours best, we were startled most
unexpectedly by a loud Indian whoop, uttered in the " social
hall," that part of the cabin fitted oft' for a bar ; then was to be
heard a loud crowing, which would not have continued to have
interested us — such sounds being quite common in that jjlace of
f>jiirits — had not the hero of these windy accomplishments stuck
his head into the cabin and hallooed out, "Hurra for the J3ig
Bar of Arkansaw ! " and then might be heard a confused hum
ot voices, unintelligible, save in such broken sentences as
'"horse," "sci'eamer," "lightning is slow," &c.

2 *

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

As might have been expected, this continued interruption
attractetl the attention of every one in the cabin; ail convers-
ation dropped, and in tiie niidat of tiiis surprise, tlie " J3ig Bar "
Avalked into the cabin, took a chair, put his feet on the stove,
and looking back over his shoukler, passed tlie general and
faiuiUar sahito of '' Strangers, how are you?" lie then ex-
pressed himself as nuich at home as if he had been at " the
Forks of Cypress," and '' perhaps a little more so."

Tliere was something about the intruder tiuit won tlie lieart
on sight. Jle appeared to bo a man enjoying ])erfeet heaitli
and contentment : liis eyes were as sparkHiig as diamonds, and
good-natured to simplicity. Then his perfect confidence in him-
self was irresistibly droll.

" Prehaps,' says he, '• gentlemen," running on without a
})crs()n speaking, " [>rehaps you have been to iS'ew Orleans often ;
i never made the first vinil hrj'ore, and I don't intend to make
another in a crow's life. I am thrown away in that ar place,
and useless, that ar a fact, !Some of the gentlemen thar called
me y/vryj— well, prehaps 1 am, said I, Init I ariit so at homo ;
and if 1 ain't olf my trail much, the heads of tliem perlite chaps
themselves wern't much the hardest; for according to my
notion, they were real know-nothings, green as a puinpkin-vine
—couldn't, in farming, I'll bet, raise a crop of turnips: and as
for siiooting, they'd mijt> a barn if the door was swinging, and
that, too, with the best riilo in tlie country. And tlien they
tallced to me 'bout hunting, and lauglied at my calling the
princi[)al game in Arkansavv, poker, and high-low-jack.

" ' Prehaps,' said 1, ' you prefer chickens and rolette ; ' at
tills they langiied harder than ever, and asked me if 1 lived in
:he woods, and didn't know what game was ? At this I rather
tiiink I laugiied. ' Yes,' i roared, and says, 'Strangers, if you'd
asked me lioiv ice got our meat in Arkausaw, I'd a told you at
once, and given you a list of varmints that would make a caravpu,
beginning with the bar, and ending oil' with the cat ; that's
meat tiiough, not game.'

" Game, indeed, that's what city folks call it ; and with
them ii meiuis chippen-birds and bitterns; may be such trash
live in my diggins, but I arn't "loticed tiiem yet : a bird any
way is too trilling. I never did shoot at but one, and I'd never
forgiven myself for that, liad it weighed less than lorty pounds.
I wouldn'!; di'aw a rille onanytliing less than that ; and when I

meet with another wild turkey of the same weight I'll drap

■• ■ J)

mm.

" A wild turkey weighing forty pounds ! " exclaimed twenty
voice;j in the cabin at once.

TRAITS OF A-'-IEUICAN IIUMOU

"Yes, stran<j;crs, mid wasn't it a wlioppor ? Ton sop, tlio
tliincr was so fat lliat it conkln't llv far : and wlien lio tell out
of the treo, after 1 shot him, on striking tin; ground lie Imrst
open, and tiie way the pound gobs of tallow rolled out of tho
o})eiiing wa8 perfectly beautiful."

"Where did all that happen?" asked a cynical-looking
lloosier.

"Happen! ha])pened in jArkansaw: where else could it
have ]iapj)ened, but in the creation btate, the iiuishiiig-up
eoinitry — a State where the sile runs down to the centre of the
'arth, and Goverinnent gives you a title to every inch of it ?
Then its airs — ;just breathe them, and they will make you snort
like a horse, it's a State without a lault, it is."

" Exf'ej)tlng mos(piitoes," cried the lloosier.

"AVell, stranger, except thein ; for iL ar a fact that they
nro ratiicr eaormom, and do push themselves in some>vhat
troublesome. Ikit, stranger, they never stick twice in the
f-ame place ; and give t'nem a fair chance for a few months, and
you will get as much above noticing tliem as an alligator. Tliey
can't hurt my feelings, for they lay under the skin ; and I never
knew but one case of iniurv resulting from them, and that was
to a lankce : and they take worse to foreigners, anyhow, than
they do to natives. Jhit the way they used that fellow up!
first i'hey punched him until he swelled up and busted; then
lie sup-per-a-ted, as the doctor called it, \iutil he was as rav/ as
beef; then he took tlie ager, owing to tho Avarin weather, and
finally he took a steam-boat, and left the country. Jle was
the only man that ever took mostpiitoes at heart that 1 know
ot'. But mosquitoes is natur, and I never find fault with her.
If they ar large, Arkansaw is large, her varmints ar l;ir;:;{\ her
trees ar large, her rivers ar large, and a small moscjuitt) would
be of no more use in Arkansaw than preaching in a cane-brake."

This knock-down argument in favour of big mosquitoes
used the lloosier up, and the logician started on a new track,
to explain liow numerous bear were in his " dignins," where he
represented them to be " about as plenty as blackberries, and ;»-
little plentiful;."

Upon the utterance of this assertion, a timid little man near
me incpiired if the bear iu Arkansaw ever attacked the settlers
in numbers.

"Xo," said our hero, warming Avith the subj .'ct, "no, stranger,
for you see it ain't the natur of bar to go in droves; but tho
way they sipiander about in pairs and single ones is edifying.
And then tlie way 1 hunt them — the old black rascals know the
crack of my gun as well as they know a pig'a stjueaiing. They

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

grow thin in our parts, it fria;hten3 tliem so, and they do take
the noise dreadfully, poor things. Th.'it gun of mine is a per-
fect epidemic amonrj bar : if not watolied closely, it will go off
as (juiek on a warm scent as my dog Bowie-knife v/ili : and then
that dog — whew ! wliy the fellow thinks that the world is full
of bar, he finds tliem so easy. It's lucky he don't talk as well
as think; for with his natural modesty, if he should suddenly
learn how much he is acknowledged to be ahead of all other
dogs in the universe, he would be astonished to death in two
minutes. Strangers, that dog knows a bar's way as well as a
horse-jockey knows a woman's : he always barks at the right
time, bites at the exact place, and whi)is without getting a
scratch. I never could tell whether he was made expressly
to hunt bar, or whether bar was made expressly for hiui
to hunt: any way, I believe they were ordained to go to-
gether as naturally as S([uire Jones says a man and woman is,
when he moralizes in marrying a couple. In fact, Jones oncj
said, said he, —

'" Marriage, according to law, is a civil contract of divine
origi.. ; it's common to all countries as well as Arkansaw, and
people take to it as naturally as Jim Doggett's i3owie-kuii'o
takes to bar.' "

" AVhat season of the year do your hunts take place ? " in-
quired a gentlemanly foreigner, who, from some peculiarities ot
his baggage, 1 susj)ected to be an Englishman, on some hunting
expedition, probably at the foot of the liocky Mountains.

" The season for bar hunting, stranger," said the man of
Arkansaw, " is generally all the year round, and the hunts take
place about as regular. I read in history that varmints have
their fat season and their lean season. That is not the case
in Arkansaw : feeding as they do upon the spontenacious pro-
ductions of the sile, they have one continued fat season the
year round : though in winter, things in this way is rather
more greasy than in summer, I must admit. For that reason,
b.ir with us run in Avarni weather, but in winter they only
n'addle. Fat, fat! it's an enemy to speed ; it tames everything
that has plenty of it. I have seen wild tuJceys, from its in-
fluence, as gentle as chickens, llun a bar in this fat conditioii,
and the way it improves the critter for eating is amazing ; it
sort of mixes the ile up with the meat, until you can't tell
t'other from which. I've done this often. I recollect one
perty morning in particular, of putting an old he fellow on the
stretch, and considering the weight he carried, he run well.
But the dogs soon tired him down, and when I came up with
him, wasn't he in a beautiful sweat — 1 might say fever ; and

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

then to soe his tonj^ue stickini^ out of his mouth a feet, and
his sides sinkino; and opening like a bellows, and his cheeks so
fat he couldn't look cross. In this fix I blazed at him, and pitch
me naked into a briar patch if the steam didn't come out of the
bullet-hole ten foot in a straight line. The fellow, I reckon,
was made on the high-pressure system, and the lead sort of
bust his biler."

" That column of steam was rather curious, or else the bear
must have been tvarm,^* observed the foreigner, with a laugh.

" Stranger, as you observe, that bar was warm, and the
blowing off of the steam showed it, and also how hard the var-
mint had been run. I have no doubt if !se had kept on two
miles farther, his insides would have been stewed ; and I ex-
pect to meet with a varmint yet oi extra bottom, who will run
himself into a skinful of bar's grease : ic is possible ; much
onlikelier things have happened."

" Whereabouts are these bears so abundant ?" inquired the
foreigner, with increasing interest.

" Why, stranger, they inhabit the neighbourhood of my
settlement, one of the prettiest places on old Mississippi — a per-
fect location, and no mistake ; a placc' that had some defects,
until the river made the ' cut-off at ' Shirt-tail Bend ;' and that
remedied the evil, as it brought my cabin on the edge of tlie
river — a great advantage in wet weather, I assure you, as you
can now roll a barrel of whiskey into my yard in high water
from a boat, as easy as falling off a log. It's a great improve-
ment, as toting it by land in a jug, as I used to do, evaporated
it too fast, and it became expensive. .Tust stop with me, stran-
ger, a month or two, or a year, if you like, and you will appreci-
ate my place. I can give you ple^ity to eat ; for, beside hog
and hominy, you can have bar-ham aud bar-sausages, and a mat-
tress cf bar-skins to sleep on, and a wildcat-skin, pulled off
hull, stUiTed with corn-shucks, for a pillow. Ihat bed would
put you to sleep, if you had the rheumatics in every joint in
your body, i call that ar bed a quietus. Then look at my
liuid — the government ain't got another such a piece to dispose
of. Such timber, and such bottom land ! why, you can't pre-
serve anything natural. you plant in it, unless you pick it
young ; things thar wUl grow out of shape so quick. I once
planted in those diggins a few potatoes and beets : they took a
fine start, and after that an ox-team couldn't have kept them
from growing. About that time, I went off to old Kentuck on
bisiness, and did not hear from them things in three months,
when I accidentally stumbled on a fellow who had stopped at my
place, with au idea of buying me out. ' How did you like

I .

TRAITS OF A"NrErjTCAN HUMOUR.

things ? * said I. ' Pretty -well,' said he : ' the cabin I'a conve-
nient, and the timber hind is j]jood ; but that bottom hmd ain't
worth the first red cent.' ' AViiy ? ' said I. ' 'Cause,' said he.
' 'Cause what ? ' said I. ' 'Cause it's full of cedar stumps and
Indian mourds,' said he, 'and it emit he cleared' 'Lord!'
said I, ' therii ar " cedar stumps " is beets, and them ar " In-
dian mounds " ar tater hills.'

" As I expected, the crop was overgrown and useless : the
sile is too rich, arnS. planting in Arkansaiv is dangerous. I had a
good-sized sow killed in that same bottom land. The old thief
stole an ear of corn, and took it down where she slept at night
to eat. Well, she left a grain or two on the ground, and laid
down on them : before morning, the corn shot up, and the per-
cussion killed her dead. I don't plant any more : natur in-
tended Arkansaw for a hunting-ground, and I go according to
natur."

The questioner who thus elicited the description of our
hero's settlement seemed to be perfectly satisfied, and said no
more ; but the " Big J5ar of Arkansaw " rambled on from one
thing to another with a volubility perfectly astonishing, oc-
casionally disputing with those around him, particularly with a
"live Sucker " from Illinois, who had the daring to say that
our Arkansaw friend's stories " smelt rather tall."

In this manner the evening was spent ; but, conscious that
my own association with so singular a personage would prob-
ably end before the morning, I asked him if he would not give
me a description of some particular bear-hunt ; adding, that I
took great interest in such things, though I was no sportsman.
The desire seemed to please him, and he squared himself round
towards me, saying that he could give me an idea of a bar-hunt
that was never beat in this world, or in any other. His man-
ner was so singular, that half of his story consisted in his ex-
cellent way of telling it, the great peculiarity of which was, the
happy manner he had of emphasizing the prominent parts of
his conversation. As near as I can recollect, I have italicized
them, and given the story in his own words.

" Stranger," said he, " in bar-hunts I am numerous ; and
which particular one, as you say, 1 shall tell, puzzles me.
There was the old she-devil I shot at the Hurricane last fall —
then there was the old hog thief I popped over at the Bloody
Crossing, and then — Yes, I have it ! I will give you an idea of
a hunt, in which the greatest bar was killed that ever lived,
none excepted ; about an old fellow that 1 hunted, more or less,
for two or three years ; and if that ain't ^ imrticular bar-hunt,
I ain't got one to tell.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ding to

" "But, in the first place, stranger, let me say, T am pleased
with you, because you ain't ashamed to gain informatiou by
asking and listening; and that's what 1 say to Countess's pups
every day when I'm home ; and I have got great hopes of
ihem ar pups, because they are continually nosincf about; and
though they stick it sometimes in tlie wrong place, they gain-
experience anyhow, and may learn something useful to boot.

" AVell, as I was saying about this big bar, you see, wlien I
and some more first settled in our region we were drivin' to
lumting naturally : we soon liked it, and after that we found it
an easy matter to make the thing our business. One old chap,
who had pioneered 'aibre us, gave ns to understand that we
had settled in the right place. He dwelt upon its merits until
it was affecting, and showed us, to prove his assertions, more
marks on the sassafras-trees than I ever saw on a tavern-door
'lection time. ' AVho keeps that ar reckoning ? ' said I. ' The
bar,' said he. ' AVhat for ? ' said T. ' Can't tell,' said he ; ' but
so it is : the bar bite the bark and wood too, at the highest
point from the ground they can reach ; and you can tell by the
marks,' said he, * the length of the bar to an inch.' ' Enough,'
said I ; ' I've learned something here a'ready, and I'll put it iri
practice.'

"Well, stranger, just one month from that time I killed a,
bar, and told its exact length before I measured it, by tliose
very marks ; and when I did that, I swelled up considerable —
I've been a prouder man ever since. 80 I went on, larning
something every day, until I was reckoned a buster, and
allowed to be decidedly the best bar-hunter in my district ;
and that is a reputation as much harder to earn than to be
reckoned first man in Congress, as an iron ramrod is harder
than a toad-stool. Did the varmints grow over-cunning by
being fooled with by green-horn hunters, and by this means
G:et troublesome, they send for me as a matter of course ; and
thus I do my own huntins: and most of my neiijhbours'. I
walk into the varmints though, and it has become about as
much the same to me as drinking. It is told in two sentences
— a bar is started, and he is killed {The thing is somewhat
monotonous now — I know just how much they will run, where
they will tire, how" much they Avill growl, and what a thunder-
ing time I will have in getting them home.

" I could give you this history of the chase, with all the
particulars at the commencement, I know the signs so well —
Sfranr/er, Vm certain. Once I met with a match though, and
I will tell you about it ; for a common hunt would not be
worth relating.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" On a fine fall day, lonjr time ago, I was trailing about for
bar, and what siiould I see but fresh inarka on the sahsalVas-
trees, about eight inches above any in the forests that I knew
of Says 1, 'Them marks is a hoax, or it indicates the d — t
bar that was ever grown.' In fact, stranger, I couldn't belie"?
it was real, and I went on. Again I saw tlie same marks, at
the same height, and I knew the thing lived. That conviction
came home to my soul like an earth([uake. Says I, ' Here is
something a-purpose for me : that bar is mine, or I give up
the hunting business.' The very next morning what should I
see but a number of buzzards hovering over my corn-field.
' The rascal has been there,' said I, ' for that sign is certain ; '
and, sure enough, on examining, I found the bones of what had
been as beautiful a hog the day before as was ever raised by a
Buck-eye. Then I tracked the critter out of the field to the
woods, and all the marks he left behind showed me that he
was the bar.

'* AVell, stranger, the first ftiir chase I ever had with that
big critter, I saw him no less than three distinct times at a
distance : the dogs run him over eighteen miles and broke
down, my horse gave out, and I was as nearly used uj) as a
man can be, made on my principle, ichich is patent. Bi'tbre
this adventure, such things were unknown to me as possible;
but, strange as it was, that bar got me used to it before I was
done with him ; for he got so at last, that he would leave me
on a long clinse quite east/. How he did it I never could
understand. That a bar runs at all is puzzling ; but how this
one could tire down and bust up a pack of hounds and a horse
that were used to overhauling everything they started after in
no time, was past my understanding. AV^ell, stranger, that bar
finally got so sassy, that he used to help himself to a hog otf
my premises whenever he wanted one ; the buzzards followed
after what he left, and so, between bar and buzzard, I rather
think T was out ofporJc !

" Well, missing that bar so often took hold of my vitals,
and I wasted away. The thing had been carried too tar, and
it reduced me in ilesh faster than an ager. I would see that
bar in everything I did : he hunted me, and that, too, like a
devil, which I began to think he was. While in this fix, 1
made preparations to give him a last brush, and be done with
it. Having completed everything to my satisfiiction, I started
at sunrise, anc' to my great joy 1 discovered from the way the
dogs run that they w'ere near him ; finding his trail was m-
thlng, for that had become as plain to the pack as a turnpike
road. Ou we went, and coming to an open country, what

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

owed

vitals,
ir, and

that

ike a

fix, I

e with

;arted

ly the

IS in-

iipike

what

should I see but the bar very leisurely ascending a hill, and
the dogs close at his heels, either a niatcii for him this time in
speed, or else he did not care to get out of their way — -1 don't
know which. But wasn't ho a beauty, though ? 1 loved him
like a brother.

" On he went, until ho came to a tree, the limbs of which
formed a crotch about six feet from the ground. Into this
crotch he got and seated himself, tlio dogs yelling all around
it; and there ho sat eyeing them as quiet as a pond in low
water. A green-horn friend of mine, in com[)any, reached
shooting distance before me, and blazed away, hitting the crit-
ter in the centre of his forehead. The bar shook his head as
the ball struck it, and then walked down from that tree as
gently as a lady would from a carriage. 'Twas a beautiful
sight to see him do that — he was in such a rage that he seemed
to be as little afraid of the dogs as if they had been sucking-
pigs ; and the dogs warn't slow in making a ring around him
at a respectful distance, I tell you ; even Bowie-knife, himself,
stood olf. Then the way his eyes flashed- — why the fire of
them would have singed a cat's hair ; in fact, that bar was in a
tcrath (ill over. Only one ]Hip came near him, and he was
brushed out so totally with the bar's left paw, that he entirely
disappeared ; and that made the old dogs more cautious still.
In the mean time I came up, and taking deliberate aim, as a
man should do, at his side, just back of his foreleg, if qhjj (juii
did not snap call me a coward, and I won't take it personal.
Yes, stranger, it snapped, and I could not find a cap about my
person. AVhile in this predicament, I turned round to my
fool friend; says I, 'Bill,' says I, 'you're an ass — you're a
fool — you might as vrell have tried to kill that bar by barking
the tree under his belly as to have done it by hitting him in
the head. Your shot has made a tiger of him, and blast me, if
a dog gets killed or wounded when they come to blows, I will
stick my knife into your liver, I will — '

" My wrath was up. I had lost my caps, my gun had
snapped, the fellow with me had fired at the bar's head, and I
expected every moment to see him close in with the dogs and
kill a dozen of them at least. In this thing I was mistaken,
for the bar leaped over the ring formed by the dogs, and giv-
ing a fi^^rce growl, was off — the pack, of course, in full cry after
him. The run this time w^as short, for coming to tli(3 edge of a
lake the varmint jumped in, and swam to a little island in the
lake, which it reached just a moment before the dogs.

"'I'll have him now,' said I, for I had found my caps in
the lining of my coat — so, rolling a log into the lake, 1 paddled

TliAlT.S OF AMKUICAN HUMOUR.

myself aornas to thn island, just as the doirs had cornornd tlu;
bar ill a tliifket. 1 nislicd up and flrod — at tlio t<aino time the
critlcr Iciipcd over thu doi^^s and canio "williin tlirce tort of me,
I'unnini; liki^ mad ; Ir' jumped into the lake, and tried to mount
tlie lojjf i iiad just deserted, but every time he got half bis ])ody
on it, it would roil over and send him under; the doi^s, too,
got around him, and pulU'd him about, and iinally ]3ov>ie-kiiif'o
clenched ^vitll liim, and they sunk into t!io lake together,
bjtranger, about tiiis time 1 was excited, and I stripped oil" my
coat, drew my knil'e, and intended to have taken a part witli
IJowie-knile mvseil', when tlie bar rose to the surlaee. But
tiie varmint staid luider — Bowie-knitb came up alone, more
(lead than alive, and with the pack came ashore.

" ' Tliank (Jod! ' said 1, 'the old villain has got bis deserts
at last.'

" Determined to have the bod}^ I cut a grape-vine for a rope,
and dove down where i could see the bar in the water, fastened
my queer rope to his leg, and iished him with great dilliculty
ashore. Stranger, may I be chawed to death by young alli-
gators it'tiie thnig 1 looked at wasn't a slie-hai\ and nob ike old
critlcr after all. The way matters got mixed on that island
was onaccountably curious, and thinking of it made me more
tiian ever convinced that I was hunting the devil himself. I
went home that ni<4;ht and took to my bed — the thin<j: was killinn;
me. The entire team of Arkansaw in bar-huntin;:: aeknow-
lodged himself used up, and the fact sunk into my feelings like
a snagged boat will in the j\Iississip[)i. 1 grew as cross as a
bar with two cubs and a sore tail. The thing got out 'mong
my neighbours, and I Avas asked how come on tiiat individ-u-al
that never lost a bar Avhen once started? and if that same
iiidivid-u-al didn't wear telesco])es when he turned a she-bar, oi'
ordinai'y size, into an old he one, a little larger than a liorse ?

" ' Brehaps,' said 1, ' friends ' — getting wrathy — ' prehaps you
want to call somebody a liar ? '

" ' Oh, no !' said they, ' we only heard such things as being
ratlicr common of late, but we don't believe one word of it ; oh,
no,' — and then they would ride oif and laugh like so many hyenas
over a dead nigger.

" It was too much, and I determined to catch that bar, go
to Texas, or die, — and I made my preparations accordiii'. I
Ivad the pack shut up and rested. I took my rille to pieces
and iled it. I put caps in every pocket about my person for
fear of the lining. I then told my neighbours that ou Monday
morning — naming the day — I woulu start that bar and bring
bim home with me, or they might divide my settlement among

\0m

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUU

tluMii, the owiior liaviii!^ disiipponrccl. AVell, straiv^cr, on tli')
luorniML!: previous to tho gruiit day of rny huutiii'j; (.'xiXMlitioii, I
wont into the ^vo()lls near iny house, takin2; my ^iiu ami IJowii*-
]in\\'c i\\on^, jiit^t from haLif, imd tliere sitlinLj down also tVoiu
liabit, wliat sliould I see, fretting ovei' luy fence, but t/ic l)>ir!
Yes, tlioold varmint was ^vitlHn a hundred yards of nu«, and tho
w:iv lie walked over that fence — stranger, he h)oined up like a
Hack mist, he seemed so large, and he walked right towards me.
I raised myself, took deliberate aim, and lired. Instantly tho
varmint wliL^cled, ^ave a yell, and walked throur/h the J'cncc like
a tailing tree would through a cobweb. I started after, but wad
tripped up by my inexpressible.^, which, either from liabit or
the excitement of the moment, were about my heels, ami be-
I'oi'O 1 had really gathered myself up, I hoard the old varmint
f^q'oaning in a thicket near by, like a thousand sinner:^, and
by the time I reached liim he was a corpse. Stranger, it took
tivc niggers and myself to put that carcass on a nude's back,
and old long-ears waddled under his load as if he was I'ounilered
ia every leg of his body, and with a common whopj)er of a
bar he would have trotted olf and enjoyed himself. 'Twould
astonish you to know how big he was : I made a hrd-spread
of his skill, anil the way it used to cover my bar-mattress, and
leave several fet't on each side to tuck uj), would have delighted
you. It was in fact a creation bar, and if it had lived in Sam-
son's time, and had met him, in a Hilr fight, it would have lick-
ed him in the twinkling of a dice-box. Jiut, stranger, I never
liked the wav I hunted him, and missed him. There is some-
thing curious about it, I could never understand, — and I lunei*
^vas satisfied at his giving in so easy at last. Prehaps he had
heard of my preparations to hunt him the next day, so he jist
coine in, like Capt. Scott's coon, to save his wind to grunt with
in dying ; but that ain't likely. My private opinion is, that
that bar was an imhunlalJe bar, and died when his time come."

Wlien the story was ended, our hero sat some minut(>s with
his auditors in a grave silence ; I saw there was a mystery to
liiin connected witli the bear whose death he had just related,
tliat had evidently made a strong impression on his mind. It
was also evident that there was some superstitious awe connect-
ed with the affair, — a feeling common with all "children of the
wood," when they meet with anything out of tlieir every-day
experience. He was the first one, however, to break the silence,
and jumping up, he asked all present to "liquor '' before going
to bed, — a thing whicli he did, with a number of companions,
tnldently to his heart's content.

JOHNNY BEEDLE's COURTSIIir.

After my sloigh-ride last winter, and the sli])pery trick I
wassorvtHlby Patty Bean, nobody would suspect me of hanker-
in u; after the woman afjjain in a hurry. To hear me rave and
t:ike on, and rail out against tlie wliole femenine gender, you
would have taken it for granted that I should never so much as
look at one again, to all etartinity. Oh, but I was wicked!
*• Darn their 'eeitful eyes," says I, "blame their skins, torment
their hearts, and drot tiiein to darnation!"

Finally, I took an oath, and swore that if I ever meddled
or had any dealings with them again— in the sparkling line I
mean — I wish I might be luing and choked. But swearing oft'
iVom woman, and then going into a meeting-house chockfull
of gals, all shining and glistening in their Sunday clothes and
clean faces, is like swearing otf from liquor and going into a
grog-shop — it's all smoke.

1 held out and kept firm to my oath for three whole Sundays,
forenoons, a'ternoons, and intermissions complete : on the fourth
tiiere were strong symptoms of a change of weather. A chap,
about my size, was seen on the way to the meeting-house, with
a new patent hat on, his head hung by the ears upon a shirt-
collar, his cravat had a pudding in it, and branched out in
i'ront into a double-bow knot, lie carried a straight back and
a stiff neck, as a man ought to when he has his best clothes on ;
and every time he spit, lie sprung his body forward like a jack-
knife, in order to shoot clear oft' the ruffles.

Squire Jones's pew is next but two to mine, and when I
stand up to prayers, and take my coat-tail under my arm, and
turn my back to the minister, I naturally look quite straight at
Sally Jones. Now Sally has got a face not to be grinned at in
a fog. Indeed, as regards beauty, some folks think she can
pull an even yoke with Patty Bean. For my part, I think thei-e
is not much boot between them. Anyhow, they are so well
matched that they have hated and despised each other like rank
2}oison, ever since they were school-girls.

Squire Jones had got his evening fire on, and set himself
down to read the great Bible, when he heard a rap at his door.

" AValk in. Well, John, how der do ? Git out, Pompey ! "

" Pretty well, I thank you, Squire j and how do you do ? "

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

chap,
, with
shirt-
3ut in
ck and
es on ;
jack-

" Why, 80 as to be crawlinf^. To ugly boast, will ye hold
vcr yop ! }[aul up u ch lir and sot down, John."

'• Jtow do you do, IMra .Tonus ?"

*' Oh, middlin'. llo^v's vor niarm ? "

" Don't forget tho mat thero, Mr J3oodle."

This put me in tlie mind that I had boon off soundings
several times iu the long muddy lane, and my boota were in a
bwcet pickle,

It was now old Captain Jones's turn, the fp'andfathor. be-
iiic; roused from a doze by the bustle and raokot ; he opened
lioth his eyes, at first with wonder and astonishment. At last,
lie began to halloo so loud that you miglit hear him a mile ; for
he takes it for granted that everybody is just exactly as deaf as
he is.

" Who is it, I say ? Who in the world is it ? "

Mrs Jones, going close to his ear, screamed out,

" It's Johnny Beedle ! "

" Ho, Johnny 13eedlc ; I remember he was one summer at
the siege of Boston."

" No, no, father ; bless your heart, that was his grand-
father, that's been dead and gone this twenty years ! "

" Ho ! But where does he come from P "

"Daown taown."

" Ho ! And what does he foller for a livin' ? "

And he did not stop asking questions after this sort, till
all tho particulars of the J3cedle family were published and
proclaimed in Mrs Jones's last screech. He then sunk back
into his doze again.

The dog stretched himself before one andiron, the cat
pquat down before the other. Silence came on by degrees,
like a calm snow-storm, till nothing was heard but a cricket
under the hearth, keeping time with a sappy, yellow-birch
forestick. Sally sat up, prim as if she were pinned to the
chair-back, her hands crossed genteely upon her lap, and
her eyes looking straight into the fire. Mammy Jones tried
to straighten herself too, and laid her hands across in her lap.
But they would not lay still. It was full twenty-four hours
fiince they had done any work, and they were out of all pa-
tience with keeping Sunday. Do what she would to keep
them quiet they would bounce up now and then, and go
through the motions, in spite of the Pourth Commandment.

For my part, I sat looking very much like a fool. The
more I tried to say something, the more ly tongue stuck
fust. I put my right leg over the left, 'aid said, " Hem ! "
Then I changed, and put the left over the right. It was no

TIIAITS OF AMKHTrAN HrMOUR.

TI,

u^t\ llio hIIcik'i! \iv\){ comiii'^ on ihlcla'r and thicker. me
drops (if .sweat Ix'i.^iiii li» cimuI all ovi-r me. J i^ot my ('}(•
U|)«)ii my hat, haii;;iiii,' on a pcLC, on llu» ro.-id to tlio <l(io»', and
llu'ii I i!y('(l lli(( door. At this monicut, the old Captain all
at oncc! Niiiiif out :

'Mohnnv Hccdle!"

]t hounded like a clap of thunder, and I wtarlt^d ri^ht ii])
an ccnd.

"Johnny Hoodlo, you'll never liandlo nieli a drumstick iis
your father <li(l, if you live to the ai^o of Methuseler. lie
Wfuild loHS up his driuiistick, and wliilo it was whirlin' in tlu;
air, take off a i^ill er rum, and then ketch it an it conui down
without losin' a stroke in the tune. What d've think of
tiuit, ha? iiut scull your ch;iir round close alon;4side er me,
tio you can hear. ?>ow, what have you come arter? "

"1 arter? Oh, jist lakin' a walk. Pleasant walkin', 1
p;uess. I me;in, jest to see how ye all do."

" J To, that's another lie! You've come a court in', J(diiHiy
l>eedle; you're a'ter our JSal. Say, now^, d'ye want to nuirry,
or only to court Y "

This is what I c:dt a choker. Poor Sally made but one
jump, nnd landed in the middle of the kitchen ; and then she
skulked in the dark corner, till the old man, after laughing
himself into a whooping-cough, was put to bed.

Then came apples and cider, and the ice being broke,
j)lenty chat with iManimy Jones about the minister aud the
" sarmon." 1 agreed with her to a nicety upon all the points
of doctrine, but I had forgot the text and all the heads of the
discourse, but six. Then she teased and tormented meto tell
who 1 accounted the best singer in the gallery, that day.
But, mum I there was no getting that out of me.

" Praise to the face, is open disgrace," says I, throwing a
sly squint at Sally.

At last, Mrs Jones lighted t'other candle, and after charg-
ing Sally to look well to the fire, she led the way to bed, and
the Squire gathered up his shoes and stockings, and followed.

Sally and 1 were left sitting a good yard apart, honest
measure. For fear of getting tongue-tied again, I set right
in, with a steady stream of talk. I told her all the particu-
lars about the weather that was past, and also made some
])retty 'cute guesses at what it was like to be in future. At
llrst, [ gave a hitch up with my chair at every full stop ; then,
growing saucy, I repeated it at every comma and semicolon ;
and at last, it was hitch, hitch, hitch, and I planted myself
fast by the side of her.

that I

u,,

l)egun
again w

"W
old-ma i

"II;

It i;
f^hoe pi I
went to
tion aft(
at a gre
1 rathei

got hoi

an arm
I must <
it. She
stars, an
an hour,
wrong si
look of
way.
"Ah,
" I w
" I'll
"Do
And
tion of I
s(|uat u|
shirt-coll
ings gav(
mill dam
dig of Si
a dish-cl(
tackeling
came a )
and runn
Bytl
snakes,
tried to 1
she yield
her head
her little

TRATT.S OF AMKIIICAV lirMOl'K.

8.1

Tl.c

" r Hworo, Sally, you lookod so plaj;iiy liamlsotno to-ilay,
that 1 waiitc'd to cat you up ! "

" I'sliiiw ! ^ot aloipj; you," said she.

INly hand had crept alotii,', Hotncliow, upon its nnc:ors, nnd
l)OLTun to Hcrapo acciiiaiiitaticc with hers. ^\\v sent il lioiim
ji"ain with a desperate jerk. Trv it airaifi - Ud hetter hu'lc.

"Why, IMiss Jones, you're gettiu' upstropuluus j a littlo
old-maidish, J li^uons."

" Hands olV is lair play, ^Tr l^ee(llc.'*

It is a ijfood Hi<i;ii to lind a, ^\v\ sulky; T know whoro i^ii^
shoe j)inched — it was that are I'utty Bean business. !So I
went to woi'K- to persuade her that I iiad never had any no-
tion ufter l*utly, and to prove it, J tell to ruiuiin^ her down
at a <j;reat rate. Sally could !U)t help chiminij in with me ; and
1 ratluM' <j;uess IM iss I'atty sulVe?'e(l a tew. 1 »iow not only
}i;()t hold of her hand williout o]»])osi1 ion, hut mana'_jed to slip
iin arm round her waist. I'ut there was lu) satisl'vin^ me; so
I must «jjo to poking out my li[)S after a buss. J oucss J rued
it. She fetched mo a slap in the face, that made mo seo
star.s, and my earH runi; like a brass kettle for a (juarter of
an hour. I was forced to laujjjh at tlic joke, tho' out of tho
wrong side of my mouth, which gave my face omething tho
look of a gridiron. Tho battle now began in the regular
way.

" Ah, Sally, give me a kiss, and ha' done with it, now."

" 1 won't, so, tliere : nor tech to — '

" I'll take it, whether or no."

"Do it if you dare!"

And at it we went, rough and tnmble. An odd dcptnic-
tion of starch now commenced: ^he bow of my cravat was
s(piat up in half a shake. At the next bout, smash went
shirt-collar; and at the same time, some of the head fasten-
ings gave way, and down came Sally's liair in a Hood, like a
milldain broke loose, carrying away half a dozen combs. One
dig of Sally's elbow, and my blooming rutiles wilted down to
a dish-cloth. But she had no time to boast. Soon lier neck
tackeling began to shiver ; it parted at the tliroat, and whorali
came a whole school of blue and white beads, scampering
and running races, every which way about tho floor.

By the hookey, if Sally Jones is not real grit, there's no
snakes. She fought fair, however, I must own, and neither
tried to bite or scratch ; and Avhen she could fight no longer,
she yielded handsomely. Her arms fell down by her sides,
her "iiead back over her chair, her eyes closed, and there lay
her little plump mouth, all in the air. Lord, did ye ever see

3l<

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIU.AIOUR.

a lunvlv pourif'c upon a yomig roLhi, or a Luinblo-Lce upon a
clover-top? 1 say iiotliiiii^.

Coiisarn it, how a l>uss will crnflc of a still, frosty night!
INIrs JoiK's wa.< a^oat hall-way Ix'twt'cn asleep and awake.

"There goew my yeast bottle," says she to liei'self, "hurst
into twenty hundred pieees ; and my bread is all dough

agiM.

The upshot of the matter is, I fell in love Avith Sally
.Tones, head over ear-i. Every Sunday night, rain or shine,
finds me rap])iiig at Squire Jones's door; and twenty times
have I been within a hair's lireadfi of popping "(he (luestion.
But no\> 1 have made a final resolve, and if 1 live lill next
Sun(hiy nighi, and I don't get ehohcd in the trial, Sally Jones
will hear thunder.

VI.

THE MAHRIAGE OF JOII>'XY BEEDLE.

Since I came out in print about my sl(>Igh-riding, and
frnlicinir. find courting, I have entered into the matrimonial
state, and left of^' dabbling in the ncwspa])ers : for a married
man has a character to take care of. But folks tease and
torment me so much to let 'em know the particulars about
my marriage, ihat I don't knov. that I had best sit down once
for all, and tell the rest of my experience.

AV^hen I left olf, I believe I was spunking up to Sally
.Tones like all vengeance, and threatening to give her the
butt-end of m\ sentiments, wasn't I? AVell, I was as good
as my word. The next Sabbaih-day I went right to work,
after meeting, upon the outer man, as Deacon Carj^entcr
say«, and by sun-down things looked about right. I say
nothing; but when I stood up to the glass to finish, and
thought of tiiivaling hair and wiskers, and so forth, I saw a
littie fellow there that looked wicked, and says I, " If Sally
.Tones knows Avhich side her bread is buttered — but no mat-
ter, she shan't say I didn't give a chance."

AVell, I went over to the Squire's, pretty well satisfied in
my own mind; so, afler flattering and crowing about her a
little while, I up and shew the cloven foot.

" Sally," says I, " will you take me for better or worser ? "

This put her to considering, and I gave a flourishing

TEAITS OF AMERICAN I[T'MOrR.

led in
her a

nlior.t the room, mul cut a carly-cuc with my riglil fool, jis
much as to say, "Take your own lime."

At last, says she, " I'd as liv's have you as aiiybotly in the
Avorld, John, but — I dechire I ean't."

*' Vou can't, ha ! And wliy ? "

" Cause— "

" Cause what ? "

" Cause I can't, and that's onou2:h. T wouhl in a minulo,
John, hut for only one reason, and that Tm afraid to tell ye."

"Poll, poh!" says I, " don't be bashful. Jf tiiei'e's only
one stump in the way, I p;uess here's a felh)W — "

" Well, then, look t'other way, John ; 1 can't S2)eak if vou
look at me."

" O, yes ; there, now's your time," says 1, wlih a flort.

" The reason is — Joe Bowers, the stag^-driver. IS'ow, you
slian't tell nobody, John, will ye? "

"Who would have thought this of Sallv Jones!

It seemed to me the very Old Boy had ri;ot into Ihe
women: they fairly put me to nonplush ! All this time my
popularity with the ladies was amazing. To see them flat-
terir ; and soft-soaping me all at once, you Avould have sworn
I had nothing to do but pick and choose. 1 had as much
Q;allantry to do as I wanted everywhere ; and for ])oliteness
juid gentility 1 never turned my back to no man. Then ihey
were so thick and familiar with me, that they didn't care
what they said or did before me ; and, linally, Avhenever thsy
had errands or chores to, who but I was the favourite bird to
fi'tch and carry? I av;is for ever and e^er racing and canter-
ing from post to pillar, to do their bidding. Kain or shine,
snow or mud, nothing stopping me ; and, I may say, I fairly
earned their smiles by the sweat of my broAV. Then it wat^,
*' 0, Mr Beedle ! what should we do without Mr Bcedle ! "
But when I caught one alone, and began to touch upon the
matrimonial sentiment, then how quick the tune was changed !
0, the ways of women are curious !

Patty Bean was not the first I run against, by a long
short. I never lost anything for the want of asking ; and I
was plaguy apt to talk "turky always when I get sociable, if it
was only out of politeness. Now and then one would promise,
and then fly off at the handle ; but most all contrive some
reason or other for giving me the bag to hold. One had
taken a firm resolve never to marry — " No, never, never ! "
and tlie next Sunday morning she was published! Another
chicken thought she was a great deal too young to undertake
to manage a family. At last, I took a 'great shine to the

TKAITS OF AMERICAN nUT.rOUK.

school-marm, Ilulclali Hornbeam, though she was ten yearFi
older than I, and taller by half a yard of neck ; and when I
oil'ered her heart and hand, nhe fixed np her mouth, and, says
«he, " I've a great respect and esteem for you, Mr Tieedle,
but — " and so forth. Nothing will cool a man quiclver than re-
spect and esteem, unless it is a wet blanket. But let Huldah
alone, she had her eyes upon Deacon Carpenter all the time.

AV^ell, as I was going moping along home, I'rom JSquiro
Jones's, I fell in with Doctor Dingley. The Doctor saw
iji a minute that something was the matter, and he went
to woi'k and pumped the whole secret out of me. Then he
seemed so friendly, that I up and told him all my experience
with the women, from the beginning to the end.

" AV\'ll, John," says he, " 1 advise you now to wait till the
twenty-ninth of February, when the gals turn round and
courted the fellows. It's none of my business, but, I wouldn't
let the women make a fool of me any more."

AVell, I took a resolution, and I stuck to it firm ; for
when I once set up my ebene/er, I am just like a mountain.
I stuck to it along pretty well into January, when 1 had to
go to singing school. I must go to singing school, for I was
leader in treble, and there was no carrying on the parts with-
out me. But this was nothing, if it hadn't fell to my lot to
go home with Hannah Peabody, four times running. Polite-
ness before everything. Well, she kept growing prettier and
prettier every time, but I only grit my teeth and held on the
harder.

By and by, Sabbath-day night came round, and I felt a
sort of uneasy, moping about home ; and, says I, this resolution
will never set well on my stomach without air and exercise;
and before I had done thinking of this, 1 was more than half
way to Captain Peabcdj-'s. It was about daylight down as 1
was passing by the kitchen ; but hearing a sort of snicker-
ing inside, I slipped up and peeped into the window, just out
of curiosity.

There was no candle burning, for Mrs Peabody is saving
of tallow, but I could see Hannah and Pol Partridge, the
help, telling fortunes in the ashes by firelight. I turned
round to go ofi", and run right against Jack Eobinson. Jack
was come to sit up with the help, and would insist upon it, I
should go in and see Hannah--" She hasn't had a spark this
month," says he, " and in you shall go, or I'll lick ye."

AVell, there was no dodging here, and all I had to do war,
to grin and bear it. So in I went, and once in, good-bye to
resolution. The short and the long of it, I was soou as deep

in the
guess
now 1
the cl
cnck
AVaih
Bi
If Ih
tlie ki

nigs

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

te, the

Jaclv
n it, I
i tills

.0 wr.3

in the mud as I had been in the mire. Eut I had another
j^ueys ehaj) to deal witli tlian Sally Jones now. And here was
now the difference between them. AVliero you got a slap in
the chops from Sal, Hannah kcp ye off Avith a seowl and a
cock up of the nose. And Madam eonldn't bear handling.
AV^ilh her, it was talk is tnMv, but hands off, INEii-^ter.

But I rather guess 1 had cut my eye-teeth ])y this time.
If I hadn't learnt something about the nature of the women,
the kicks I had taken from all quarters fell upon barren
ground. There is no wa}"^ to deal with them but to coax and
thitter; you gain nothing, let me tell ye, by saving of soft
snap ; and you must be sly about it. It is no way to catch a
wicked devil of a colt, in a pasture, to march right up, bridle
in hand; you must sort of sidle along as if you was going
past, and whistle, and pretend to be looking t'other way ; and
so round and round, till at last you corner him up ; then
jump and clench him by the forelock. O ! I'm not so great
a fool as I might be.

But it was a long tedious business before TTnnnah and I
could come to any sort of understanding. There was old
Captain Pcabody was a stump in my way. He was a man
that had uo regard for politeness ; he travelled rough-shod
tlu'ough the towii, carrying a high head and a stiff up])er lip,
as much as to say, " I owes nobody nothing, by — " He
had been a skipper and sailed his schooner all along ashore,
till he had got forehanded ; then -w ent back, up country, and
set down to forming. But I never tuckle to man, if he's as
big as all out-doors. And after lie poked his fist in my face
one 'lection, we never hitched horses together.

Well as I was afeard to go to the bouse and court
Hannah in the regular way, I had to carry on the war just
when and where 1 could; sometimes of a dark night, I could
steal into the kitchen. But my safest plan Avas, to track her
to the neighbour's house, where slie went to spend the even-
ings ; skulk about till she starkd home, then waylay her on
the road. Pretty poor chance this, you'll say. But if this
wasn't enough, Hannah herself miist j jiu in to plague me
half to death.

You see I wanted to let her know what I was after in a
sort of a delicate underhand way, and keep myself on the
safe side of .'die fence all the time, if there was to be any
kicking. But Hannah had no notion of riddles ; she would
not understand any sort of plain English, 1 hinted plaguy
suspicions about true love, and Cupid's darts, and all that.
Then I would breathe a long sithe, and say, "AVhat does

TRAITS OF ami:rican lIUMOUi:.

iTiat TTionfi, Hannah ? " But no, slio couldn't sec, poor soul ;
^^lio looked an t^iinple an' innocent all the wliilo as if buttei*
\V(Mil(ln't melt in her mouth. Mho Avas plaguy close, too, as
to her i^'oini^s and cominj;-.s; and it slie luippened any time by
accldeiit to let drop the least Avord that showed me wliero to
iijid her next time, she was so mad with herself that she Avas
ready to hite her tongue olf.

One day she Avas going to her Aunt Molly's to spend the
evening, and she Avent all the way round to l)r Dingley's to
tell jMrs Dingley not to tell me. " For," says she, " I don't
Avant him to be dodging me about cveryAvhere." AVell, Mrs
Bingley, she promised to keep dark, but she told the Doctor,
and what d(^es the JJoctor do, but comes right straight over
and tells me, " Gone all stark alone," says he, " but it's none
of my business."

This is the day that I have marked Avitli a piece of chalk.
ITardly Avas daylight doAvn before I Avas snug in my skulking
nest, in Aunt Molly's barn. It Avas on the hay-nioAV, Avhere
thei'o Avas a knot-hole handy to look through and see all that
Avent in or out of the house. I had a scheme in my head
that ]l;iniudi little dreamt of; and 1 lay and I thought it
over till she came out ; and Avhen I got her under my arm,
and Avalking doAvn the lane, thinks I, I'll set the stone a-rolling
anyhoAV, let it stop Avhcre it Avill.

So I set on to talking about this and that and t'other thing,
and hapj)ened (by mere chance, you knoAv) to mention our oUl
hatter shop, that stands at the corner, that my father used to
work in when he Avas alive. " And," says I, "speaking of the
shop, ahvays puts me in mind of von, Hannah."

'' Of me, John ? " says she. '" "Why ? "

" ! it's just the thing for a store," says I.

''AVell?""

" uweep out the dirt, and old hat parings, and truck — "

"Well?" • •

" Take the sign ; rub out ' Hatter,' and put in ' IMerchant ;'
and tlij't spells ' John Beedle, Merchant — ' "

" AVell, John ? "

*' Then get rum and molasses, and salt-fiah, and ribbom^s
and calicoes — "

"0!" saya she, " it's my ncAV calico goAvnd you AA'as a-
thinking of. Ain't it pretty r* "

" Oh ! " says I, " 'tis a sweet pretty gOAvnd," says I. "But
— I finally concluded to set up store and get married, and set-
tle myself down as a merchant J'ur life — "

At this Hannah liuug down her head and j^uve a snicker.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" And how does all that put you in mind of me, John ? " fcsay.-i
she.

" Guess."

" I won't guess to touch to, so there now — T never ! "

What I said, and what she said next, is all lost, lor I'll he
shot if 1 can remember. It's all buz, buz, in my head, like a
dream. The first tliin^' I knew, we were right again Captain
Peabody's barn, walking as close together as we could with
comfort, and our arms crossed round each other's waist. Han-
nah's tongue had got thawed out, and was running like a brook
on a freshet, and all one steady stream of honey. I vow, I was
ready to jump out of my skin.

It was a mile and a half from Aunt Molly's to Captain Pea-
body's, and I thought we had been about a minute on the road.
So says I, '• Hannah, let's go set down under the great ap])le-
tree and have a little chat, just to taper oil' the evening." Wo
now sat down and began to talk sensible. AV'e settled all tlie
predicaments of the nuptial ceremony, and then talked over the
store till we thought we saw ourselves behind the counter ; I
Aveighing and measuring, and tfickering and dealing out, and
she, at the desk, pen in hand, figuring up the accounts. " And
mind, John," says she, " I'm not a-going to trust everybody at
the corner, I tell ye." But just as we were begiiniing "*o
get sociable, as I thought, Jlainiah looks up, and says she,
" AVhat can that 'ere great red streak be in the sky, away down
there beyond Sacarrap ? "

''I rather guess," says I, " it's a fire in the woods."

" Eire in the woods ! I'll be skiinied if it isn't davlight a-
coming. Quick, John, help me into the window before fathers
a-»tirring, or here'll be a pretty how d'ye do."

Tlie next job Avas to tell the news to Captain Peabody.
Hannah had settled it that she should speak to her mother, and
said she could manage her well enou<zh, and it was mv busines.s
to ask her father. This was a thinu: easier said than done. It
stuck in my crop for days, like a I'aw onion. I tried to per-
suade Hannah to marry fust, and ask afterwards. Says J,
" You are twentv-1'our, and free according to law." But she
Avouldn't hear to it. 8he had no notion of doing anything-
clandestinely. Tlien I asked Doctor Hingley to go and breaic
the ice for me. But no : he would not meddl'j with other
folk's business — he made it a point.

" Well," says I, " if I liave got to come to the scratch, the less
I consider on it the better." !So one stormy day I put my head
down against a north-easter, and set my feet agoing; and the
next thing I was standing right before Captain Peabody. ^X'd

•JO

TRAITS OF AMEPJCAN HUMOUR.

was in his grain-house, sliolling corn, sitting on a tub, with an
old frying-pan stuck through the handles ; and lie made the
cobs fly every which way, hit or miss — he didn't care. But it
tickled liim so to see me dodge 'em, that ho got into uncommon
good humour.

" AVell, Johnny Beedle, M'hat has bro't you up here, right
into the wind's eye, this ere morning ? "

" Why, Cap'm, I've got an idea in my lic'ad."

" No ! how you talk ! "

" Ye see, the upshot of the matter is, I've a notion of set-
ting up a store, and getting a wife, and settling myself down
as a merchant."

" Whoorah, John, there's two ideas — a store and a v>'ife."

" But I want a little of your help," says I.

"Well, John," says he, " I'll do the handsome thing by ye.
If you keep better goods than anybody else, and sell cheaper,
you shall have my custom, and welcome, provided you'll take
pay in sauce and things. Isn't that fair ? "

" O, yes, Cap'm."

"And I wish you success on the other tack. Xo fear of
that, I'll warrant. There's lots of silly girls afloat ; and such a
fine, taught-rigged geu'man as you are, can run one down in no
time."

" O, yes, Cap'm ; I have ri"n down Hannah already."

"My* Hannah?"

" O, yes, Cup'm ; WG have agreed, and only want vour con-
sent."

With this the old Cap'm riz riglit up on eend, upset the tub
and frying-pan, and pointed with a great red ear of corn in his
hand, towards the door, without saying a word ; but his eyes
rolled like all creation !

This raised my blood, that I felt so stuffy, that I marclied
right straight off, and never turned my head to the right or
left, till I was fairly home and housed.

" Well now," says I, " my apple-cart is upset in good
earnest." And when I went to Doctor Dinglcy for comfort,
says he, " John, I wash my hands of this whole affair, from
beginning to end. I must suj^port my character. I am a
{Settled doctor in this town ; and the character of a doctor,
John, is too delicate a flower to go poking round, and dab-
l>ling into everybody's mess. Then," says he, " Mrs Dingley,
I warn you not to meddle nor make in this business. Let
everybody skin their own eels. Hold your tongue, you fool,
Tou. Did you ever hear of me burning my fingers ? "

Howsomever, there was some under-hand work carried on.

''Mister,

" Wh

name."

" His

" Fail

lawyer, a

"0, i

With

a wink i

]'ii;ht the

{'or ye."

" Har

Well,

further o

dead tobj

about ou

dark, anc

a candle.

over-pers

grunting

on, and a

Well,

with a li

increasinj

TKAITS OF AMEUTCAN TTUMOIIR.

somewlierc, and by somebody. I don't tell tales out of school.
I had no hand in it, till one day, Dr Dinj^ley, says he, " Jolui,
if you happen to be wanting my horse and shay this after-
noon about three o'cloci^, go and take it. 1 never refused
to lend, you know. And I hope Captain Peabody will gain
liis lawsuit with Deacon Carpenter, that he has gone down
to Portland to see to. But t bat's none of my business,"

Somebody, too — I don't say who — tliere was a certain
Squire Darling, living in a certain town, about ten miles oil',
that did business, and asked no questions. VVell, in the said
town, just after sundown, a young man, naned Joseph Morey,
was wallcing near the meeten-house, witl? a sort of cream-
coloured book under his arm ; and he heard .something in the
woods, this side, that, if it wasn't a hurricane, he'd give up
guessing. Such a cracking, and squeaking, and rattling ! —
such a thrashing, and grunting, and snorting ! — you never !
lie stopped, and looked back, and all soon came to light.
There was an old w^hite-faced horse came scrabbling along out
of the woods, reeling and foaming, with an old wooded top
shay at his tail, and a chap about my size flourishing a small
beach-pole, pretty well boomed up at the end. And, says I,
'•Mister, can you tell me where one Squire Darling lives? "

"Which Squire Darling?" says he; "there's two of tho
name."

" His name is John," says I.

" Faith," says he, " they are both Johns too ; but one Is a
lawyer, and the other a cooper."

" O, it must be the lawyer that I want," says I.

"With this, the young man gave a squint at Hannah, and
a wink at me ; and " Come along," says he, " I am going
I'ii^ht there now, and I'll show you the Squire, and fix things
for ye."

" Hannah," says I, " that's lucky.'

"Well, he carried us into a small, one-storey house, a little
further on, full of books and dust, and smelling of strong, old
dead tobacco-smoke. Here we sat down, while he went out
about our business. "VVe waited and waited, till long after
dark, and were glad enough to see him come back at last with
a candle. " The Squire is very sick," says he, " but I have
over-persuaded him." And the next minute. Squire camo
grunting along in, alt muffled by in a great coat, and spectacles
on, and a great tall woman, as witness for the bride.

Well, he went to work, and married us, and followed up
with a right down sensible sermon, about multiplying and
increasing on the earth ; and I never felt so solemn and

TKAITS OF AMErJCAN IIUMOUK.

serious, liien follow cmI lo'sninnj the l»ride all rouiiJ, the cer-
tilieate; and thou I ^^ave him two silver dollary, and we got
into tiie shay again, and ofK.

After this, nothing happened, to npeak of, for about a
month. Everytliing was kej)t snug, aiul Captain Peahody
had no suspicion ; but one morning, at break of day, as I was
('i-ecping softly down Captain Peubody's back-stairs, with my
slioe.s in my hand, as usual, I trod into a tub of water, stanil-
ing on the third step tVoin the bottom, and down I came,
slam bang. The Captain was going to kill his hogs, and had
got up betinies; put his water to heat, and was whetting hir^
butcher-knife in the kitchcui.

The first thing I saw, when I looked up, there stood
Caj'tain JVabody, with a great butcher-knife in his hand,
lo(.' !ng down u])()n me like a thunder-cloud! I want to kn(/W
if I didn't feel streaked! He clinched me by the collar, and
htood me up ; and tlicn raided his knife over me, as far as he
could reach. I thought my last moment was come. Blood
would have !:ocn shed, as sure as rats, if it hadn't been for
JMrs Peabody. >She .-itepped up behind, and laid hAd of his
arm; and says she, " It's uo matter, Mr Peiibody ^ they arc
mari'ied."

" ]Married to that puppy ? " roare 1 the Captain.

" Yes, Sir," said I ; " and here's the certificate."

And I pulled it out of my jacket-pocket, and gave it to
him ; luit I didn't stay for any more ceremony. As soon
as I felt his gripe locsen a lit Me, I slid oft' like an eel, and
backed out-doors, and made track liome, about as fast as I
coi'hl leg it. I was in a. constaiit worry and stew all the
forenoon, for fear the Captain would do anything rash ; an;l
I could neither sit still nor stand still, eat, drink, or think.

About the middle of the afternoon, Dr Dingley camo
bouncing in, out of breath, and says he, " .Tolin, you have
been cheated and bamb'^ozled. Tour marriage ain't worth
that. It was all a contrivance of Jack Darling, the lawyer,
an(i his two ijnps, Joe Morey and Peter Scamp." This was
all he could say, till he had wiped his face, and taken a sw _;•
of cider, to recover liis windj and then lie gave me all the
particulars.

AVhen Captain Peabody had read my certificate, he could
not rest, but tackled up, and drove right down, to let oft' his
fury upon his old friend, Squin; Darling. The inoment he
got sig^it of the Squire, he turned ti and called him all the
foul iiames he could lay his tongue ^o, for half an lour.

The Squire den.'cd everything. The Captain downed the

TRAITS OF AMKIilCAN IIUMOUK.

4:]

the c(M'-
wu got

about a
Peabody

IH I WilS

witb my
f, btaiul-
I canu',
and biul
ting his

'e stood
is band,
to knc/W
Ibir, and
Lir as b(^
Bkwd
been for
d of Ills
tbey arc

e it to

As soo;>_

eel, and

ist as I

all tbo

1 ; and

tbink.

came
L)U bavo
t worth
lawyer,

fi]

a bw:.;"
all tho

conld
off bis

lent ]u'
ill tbu

led the

certificato, and ways be. "There's blaek and white against yo,
you bloody obi sculpen.'

The !S(|niro knew the hand-writing was bis nephew's, as
soon as he saw it, and the truth was l)rought to light ; but as
the storm fell in one quarter, it rose from the otlier. Scjuiro
Darling had smelt tar in his day, and lunhi't forgot bow to
box the compass; and as soon as the saddle was on the right
horse, be set in and gave the Captain bis own hack aL-nin,
and let him have it about nor-nor-west, riglit in his teeth, till,
ho was fairly 'down out. They shook hands then, and seeing
Hannah and I had got under-weigh together, they said Wit
must go to the Vice, and no time nnist be lost in making all
fast in tho lashings, with a good, fine square knot, before ;i
clKingc in the weather. So the S(]uire slii-ked np a little, got
into the shay and came homo with tho Captain, to bold the
wedding that very night.

How Dr Uingley happened to be in town just at tbo
time I don't know. It was bis luck ; and as soon as be saw
^ which way the wind was, he licked up and cantered home in
a hurry. After he bad got through with the particulars, says
he, " Xow^, Mr Beedle, it's none of my business ; but if I bad
such a bitch u])on Captain Peabody, I would hang back like
a stone dray, till be agreed to back my note for two hundred
dollars, in the Portland Bank, to buy goods with, enough to
set you up in the store."

I thought strong on this idea, as I was going over to Cap-
tain Peabody's ; but the moment I shew the least symptoms
of packing, sucli a storm was raised as never was seen. Father,
and mother-indaw, and Squire Darling, set up such a yell
altogether; and, poor Hannah, she sat ^own and cried. My
heart failed me, and I made haste to give in and plead sony,
as quick as ])ossible ; and somehow, in my hurry, I let out
tliat Dr Diiigley had set me on; and so Avas the innocent
cause of bis getting a most righteous licking, the first time
Captain Peabody caught him. It wasn't settled short of
thirty loll^rs.

Well, Squire Darling stood us up, and married us about
right, and here was an end of trouble. Mother-in-law would
not part with Hannah, and she made father-in-law give us a
settling out in the north end of bis house. He could not
stomach me very well for a while, but I ha\e managed to get
on the blind side of him. I turned right in to work on his
farm, as steady and industrious as a cart-horse. And I kept
on pleasing him in one way and anotb(T, more and mere, till
he has taken ^ueh a likinL;; to me, that he wouldn't T>art vvitii

„^.- -x

TRAITS OF AMKIIICAN IIUMOUK.

mo for a cow. ITo owns tlint I save liiin tlie liirc of a help—
out and out — tliu year round.

Tlioi'o- -now 1 liavc done. I can't patronise the ncwy-
pnpcrw any more. I liavo on<)UL,di to do tliat is more prolilablu
alujut home. IJctwixt hard work in tlie fields, and chores
about honsc and barn, and ho^ pens, I can't call aniinule my
own, sunnncr nor winter. And just so sartain as my wife sees
nu! come in and set down 1o take a little comfort, just so sar-
lain is she to come ri^ifht np and f^ive me a ba1)y to hold.

IS'oty JJinny. The stories tliat are fj;oin;; the rounds, from
mouth to mouth, about my fust marriai,'e, are all packs of
lies, invented by Joe JMorey and Peter IScamp, jest to make
i'olk laugh at my expenise.

Til.

JOHNNY BEEDLE S THANKSGIVINO.

"I SAYS," says T, " ITannah, pposin we keep thanlcsr^ivin'
1o home this year," says I, "and invite all our hull grist o'
cousins, and aunts and things — go the hull figure, and do the
thing genteel."

" W^ell, agreed," says she, " it's just what I was a thinkin',
only I consate we'd better not cackliate too fur ahead, for I
didn't never no it to miss somethin' happenin' so sure as I
laid out for the leastcst thing. Though it's as good a time
now, far's I know, as any — for I've just wcanen Moses, and
tend to take comfort a spell, 'cause a troublesomer cryiner
critter niver come into liic."

" Exactly so," says I, " and if I'd a known everything
afore I was married that I do now," says I —

" Hold your tongue for a goncy, Johnny Eeedle," says
she, " and mind your thanksgivin'."

" Poll ! " says I, " Hannah, don't be mifiy ; I was only
jeestin' — and you jist go and ])ut on a kittle of water, and I'll
go out and stick a pig for you ; two if you like." So away I
went and murdered the pigs out o' love and good-will to
Hannah. I rather guess the critters wished I warn't so good-
natured.

AV^ell, things went on swimmingly, and what was best of
all, we had the luck to invite the minister and deacon afore
anybody got a chance j for the very moment the proklimatiou

',vas ron
'cm bol
she got
Hinoke.
turned
all the
gall, an(
let her
lifk!
tlie t'otl
to see w
do ugh n I
wciglit
she cac
cat uj)
(lough iir
things ii
and who
livin' p
Closes t
feel strei
•' AVh
who's do;
With
whop])ed
" Job:
boohood
" Whi
what?"
" The
ruined."
I kite
every wh
1 begun t
time was
that'll rai
of his se^
actin' so
jarrin' a s
out of he:
It ap^:
gone out,
got down
beer, I aii
fied chap,

TRAITS OF AMKUIfAV TITMorii.

news-
jlitiiblu

C'liort's
iiio my
ife SOL'S

Ko Har-

s, from
iic'ks of
J maku

itji-iHt o'
do the

, for I
^e as I

time
es, and
ryiiier

•y tiling

says

s only
nd I'll
iway I
dll to
good-

est of

afore

bation

^\'ns rofid, I watched for 'em eomlii' out of Dioctlii!]:, and nnihd
'em ])ot!i. Ijiit as I wan a tellin', llaim:i]i, f<\w \vi>iit at it — -
plie L^ot ^'omo of lier ^mHs to lielp her, and Ihey math' all
pinoke. J II the first phu-o she went to work re<j;'hir, and
turned tlie house inside out, and tlieii t'ollier side in aL,Min,
all tlie same as dariiiii' a stoekitijj;. Hannah in a smart willin'
^';dl, ami a r,i(d worker, and a ])rimo eook into the hari^'ain ;
let her alone in the <l()U<4!inut line, and I'or pumpkin pies —
lick! So the day afore the tlianks^ivin' she eallecl me into
the t'other room, that IMarm IV'abotly christened the parlour,
to see what a lot o' pies and cakes, and sausaLje-meat and
doughnuts she'd got made up, and charged me not to lay Iho
weight of my finger u{)on one on 'em. I tolled her I guessed
she cackelaled to call in llie whole parish, paupers and all, to
cat up sich a siglit of vittles ; ho I grabbed a handful of
doughnuts, and went out to feed the hogs, and to see to
tilings in the field. I was gone all the fore part o' the day,
and when I went home I found llaiuiali all lioity toity, in a
livin' pucker cryin', and taken on to kill, and poor little
]\Ioses tottling arter her and cryin' too. 1 declare if I didn't
feel streaked.

"AV'hat in the name o' natur," says I, "is the nuitter?
who's dead, and what's to ])ay now ? "

With that she fetched a new screech, and down she
whopped into a cheer.

"Johnny Beedle, Johnny," says she, and with that she
boohood agin.

" What ails the woman ? " says I, " are you posscst, or
what?"

"The child is ruined!" says she, "Moses Eeodle i^j
ruined."

I kitched up the child, and turned him eend for eend,
every which way, but I couldn't see nothin' extraordinary.
1 begun to think that the woman was bewitched, and by this
time was a good mind to feel mad. I don't know of nothin'
that'll raise a feller's dander quicker than to sheer him out
of his seven senses. ISo I giv Hannah a reg'hir breozin', for
actin' so like a raven distracted bed bug; and what with
jarrin' a spell and coaxin' a spell, at last i got tlie whole on't
out of her.

It appears that about an hour or thereabouts arter I'd
gone out, there was a man rid up to the door a horseback,
got down, and come in and asked for a drink o' water or
beer, I ain't sartain wdiieh — but anyhow he was a raal dandi-
fied chap, and dreadful civel spoken withal. !So my wile and

ti:aits or AMKKir.w iirMorPt.

lie soon <^()\ into a cliat about llio womIIut and nicli tliiii<;s.
Well, wliilc lie set, Iheyctiin;; one S(|ii;\ll('(l in tlic room; IumI
been asleep, you know, with hi.s moniiirs nap; my wile went
and felclied Iiini into IJie room, and hIk* ohsarved that llio
man looketl ronsidei'iilde li;ird a1 liiin, as iflu^see'd sometliin'
(jucer; llio' she didn't tliiidc iiotliiii' of it at the time, but rc-
c'idh'cted afterwards.

Slie was (piite t iekle(l 1o seo the man lake liim and set
liiui on his knee; hut while he was a play in' with lum— tor
JMoses is a raal jx'eler, he ain't iit't-ered of tiu; l)iL,'iX<'"^t strani;('r
that ever was directly he fell to j)awin' about his heail in
sieh a eomieal ntyle, and lalkin;j; to himself, and withal actid
so curious, tliat I lannali <;()t nkeery, and went to take him
away, but lie wouldn't let hor tiike him just then; he Baid,
"he wante(l to examine his head."

" His liead ! " says Hannah, "iiothin' ails his head."

" .Nothin' ails it ? " says he, " why it's the most remark-
able head that I've ever seen." And then he went on with
sieh a string of lon^ woi'ds, there was no memberin' or un-
derstandin' half — then he elapjnd his hand on the side of the
little fellow's sconce-box, "there," says he, "do you see that
divi/iipineiit ;" or some sieh word that souuded awful.

" That's what ? " says Hannah.

" A'ul^'arly called a bump," continued he.

" It ain't a bump too, nyther," says his mother. " It'is
his nat'rul shape."

" No doubt of that," said the villin.

" AVell now, if ever 1 heard the beat o' that," says she
"that l)umj)'s come nat'rul."

So he told her they was only called bumps, 'cause they
loolvcd like 'em ; and the bi,L,'i:;er they were, and the more
there was on 'em, the more dilferent sorts of capacities and
idees folks had — and so on.

At first she thought the man was stark mad ; but he
seemed entirely harmless, and so she let him go on with hi.s
stutf, and somehow he e'en almost persuaded her it was all
gospel. lie said little Moses had got the bump of destruc-
tion to an all-fired degree, tho' it was in the mother's power
to help it considerable. But when Hannah asked him if she
must swatlie up his head he snortcred right out ; and then
went on to say, that Moses had jist got sicli a shaped head as
the man had that was hung down to Boston last September,
lie finally talked her into a livin' fidgit — polite as a stage-
driver, all the time too, and so larnt, besides, that Han!iah
couldn't do notliiu' but paraphrase. So arter he'd drinkcd a

quart
cleare
and w
then i
I tell
N.
iiinv d
lucky
minit.
Keen, n
seine s
feller
iiewsj):
took tl
Yet
consati
K\\ not
feller i
is a rot
'pon hii
save hir
the mat
and thai
"Do
Soo
io the h
to go on
llic doct
our hou!
to do.

Thin
AVell, to
our chui
I see hii
thundcri
kindlin',
vai'se. (
hut I CO
dropped
giv' me i
"Air
sond for
lie haw-1
jist to se
moral lai

ThAITS OF AMKUICAN lU'MOl'II

I ; IumI
c wont

Kit lIlO

iictliin'
but rc-

ind set
im — for
tranter
icail ill
il iiclcil
kc liiiu
10 Buid,

remark-
Oil with
or uii-
of t lie
see tliut

It'a

lie

'3 S

|se tlicy

les and

but lie
ith liis
was all
estrue-

jiowcr

if slic
Id tlicii

lead as

[ember.

8ta<;c-

Lannali
ikcd a

quart o' beer, ami TIaiinali rut a iiiiii('0-])Io fi>v liiin, lio
ricnred, IcaviiiL; llaniiali in hucIi a h\v\\\ that Krj)t workin' up
jmd workin' up till hIu^ hccrcil nic i'ntnin' into llio lioiisc, iind
llicii it all hurst out to oiu'c'. A tempest ical tlmotlu-re was,
1 tell you.

IS'(t\v liy tlio time IFannali bad finisbed lier lockrum, you
iiiMy depend I was in an alnii^bly passion ; an<l it wasama/iu'
lucky lor the teller tluit lie was <nit ot' arnrs lenj^lli that
iiiinit. lint then 1 understood it all better than slie, tor I'd
tu'vu, in tlu\ prints, pieces aliout [•'!'anolo;j;y or CranoIoLTv. or
simie sueli stull' that seemed to e\j)lain to my mind wh;it the
teller meant. But poor Hannah don't get much time to read
iiewspajters, ho that she hadn't hearii a word, ^o wonder she
took the man for a era/y critter.

Yet, Homehow, when J looked at INIoses, T eouldn't help
consatin' that his head looked sort o' (]ueer, iho' .1 wouldn't
h;iy nothin' iiyther; but, snys ], "Hannah, look here, that
icller that's been treatin' you to sieli a rio;niarole of nonsense
is a rotten fool, and you're another. If iver I isbould lii;ht
'|)on him, 1 gess 1 would j^ive his bead a bump that would
save him from the {^allows. All is, if you think anythinu: i.s
the matter with the young one, why I'll go arter the doctor,
and that'll settle it."

*' Do, John," savs sbe.

So off I starts for Doctor Eldricb ; but bv the time T jrot
lo the bouse, 1 begun to think what a tarnation goose I was
to go on such a tomfool's arrent. By good luck, howsomever,
the doctor was out; so 1 jist left word for liiin to come to
our bouse in the course iv the dnv, if be bad nothin' else
to do.

Thinks I, as I trudged bade, bore's ;m cud to thanksgiving.
AVell, to riglits, Doctor Ilosannab Kldrich, lie's a deacon of
our eburcb, and sings thro' bis nose a few. I declare, when
I see bim ridin' up the lane I couldn't bclp feel in' like a
thunderin' calf; so I jist m?.de excuse to split up some
kindlin', and left Hannah to give bim tbe cbapter and the
varse. Our wood-bouse is sliort of a mile from tbe house;
but I could bear tbe doctor's haw -haw clear out there. >S() I
dropped axe, and in I went. S'iii\er tlio Doctor see me be
giv' me a huncb.

" Ain't yew a pretty considerable queer cbap," sez be, " to
send for me on sucb a beautiT.il bizness as this ? " AV^ith that
he baw-baw 'd agin ; and my wife she laughed till she cried,
jist to see tbe figer tbe Doctor cut, for lie's as long as tbe
moral law, and couldn't stand up for laugbin'.

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR,

Tlion T laiin:liod tu, till the house rurif; ; luckily our near-
est ueiyhbour lives a half a mil 3 ott', and is stone deaf into tbu
bor^ain. So I tipt the wink to ITaimah, and tell'd Hosaniiah
'twas all a joke of our'n to send for him (for I thought I
should look corner- ways and skwywoniky if he should tell
the com])any about us nixt day. Besides, I know'd the Dea-
con liked a joke pretty well, even if he got rubbed sometimes).
So, says 1, "Hon did Ilaiinah L'arry it out? " Consarn it if
he didn't jump right into the trap.

"Capital! capital!" said he. "Botheration, if 1 didn't
think she was in raal arnesi; ! "

MIL

AUNT NAE?.Y S STr.WED G00S3.

It wa^ my Aunt Nabby'?; birthday, and she was bent upon
having a stewed goose, stewed in onions, and with cabbag<3
and s:ilt pork to match.

"Pollijah," said she to me, "ain't we got a goose 'bout
the farm ? "

" Ko," said I, "we eat the old gander a Christmas, and
he Avas the last of the patriarchs."

Aunt Nabbv went down to Sue, who was getting break fa it.

*' Susanna," said she, " the ooy tells how we ain't got a
goose in ci'eation. Now what shall we do ? "

"Go without," replied Susanna, Avith that amiable tone
whick father said had worn off her teeth to the gums.

But Aunt Nabby was bent upon a goose, and when such
a stiff and straight person gets bent upon anything you may
consider the matter settled, and T saw that a goose of some
kind would be had at some rate or other.

" Here, you crittur," cried Aunt Nabby to the little black
specimen of the human family which was digging potatoes in
tiie garden, " here, I want you to go along to the neighbours,
and borra a goose." Cato laid down his hoe, got over tlic
fence, and shovelled off on his bioad pedestals to get a goose.

The tii.t house that Cato came to was that of Sam Soa[',
the tailor, commonly calL-^d Sol't Soap. Into the shop went
the Yankeefied negro, and making a leg to Mr Soap, who sat
like a Hindoo idol, busily employed in })atching an old blue
coat with still older brown rags, and humming most mourn-

fally t
it a na
was a

"S(
haan't

Soa
(laughti
Justice
he, "gii

Pri(
.some ti
wrappe
not to
deliver

'' M3
lue a to I

But
:isk no q
sure was
and turn
Aunt JVi
when sh
kitchen i

"Isi

Susai:
corner m
Ma'am, "
be the m

" Anc

"Oh,

My a
at Susani

First cam
out his wi
iiow it ch
Icitchen, 1
111 body,
•sacrifice ^
the S(|uir

" Toll
'cause I'll
like to kn

" liea(

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

fall}'' the air of " Ye bank?* and brnes of bonny Dooii,*' .t^Ivin::^
it a uanal twanpj that came direct from Jodcdiali ISoap, who
was a member of tiic Lonj; Pariir.iueiit.

" 8oap," says Cato, " you liaau't got no goose, nor notliin',
liaan't ye, for Aunt Nabby Y "

kSoap was a literal (not litei'nry) man, who as he called his
(laughter Propriety, and having but one eye, was likewise called
Justice, that is by some that were classical. " Priety," says
iie, "gin Cato the largest goose."

Priety, like a good girl, went into the other room, and arter
.some time returned with one, well enveloped and carei'iilly
wrapped up in paper, telling Cato to be as careful as everlasting
]iot to get it wet; and away went the web-footed mortal to
deliver his charge to Susanna.

'' My gracious ! " said Sue, " if that are niggar ain't brought
me a tough feller to stew ! "

Eut nevertheless, as her business was to stew the goose and
:isk no questions, at it siie went, and pretty soon the tailor's trea-
sure was simmering among oiiions, and carrots, and cabbage^^,
and tiuniips, and spices, all as nice as need be. After breakfast,
Aunt Nabby had gone abroad to ask in the neighbours, and
wlien she came home, she went of course directly into the
kitchen to see how the goose came on.

" Is it tender, Susanna r" said she.

Susanna smiled so sweetly, tliat tlie old house-clock in tlie
corner next the cupboard stopped and held up its hand. " Oh,
Ma'am," replied Susanna, "it"^ so tender, that 1 guess it won't
be the more tender arter being biled. "

"And fat?"

" Oh, bless you ! it's so broad across the bar-k."

INly aunt's moutii watered so, that she was forced to loo"!c
at Susanna, to correct the agreeable impression.

AVell, noon came and the neighbours began to drop in.
First came the parson, who being a man of vast punctuality, took
out his watch as soon as he came in, and for the purpose of seeing
tiow it chimed, as he said, with the old clock, waikcd into the
kitchen, bade Miss Susanna good day, hoped she continued well
in body, and snuffed up the sweet ilavours of the ])reparii!g
sacrifice with expanded noslrds. Xext to tlie Minister came
the Squire, he opened the front door, and seeing no one but mo,

" Pollijah," he said, " wdien 'ill that are goose be doiu^ ?
'cause I'm everlastin' busy, settlin' that hay-mow case, and i'd
like to know — "

"Keady now, S^iulr^,"' answered the Parson, opening the

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

kitchen-door ; " and I guess it's an uncommon fine one too, so
walk in nnd let's have a chat."

The Squire entered, and he and the Minister had a consider-
able spell of conversation about the hay-mow case. The case
was this : Abijah Biggs got leave to carry his hay across AVidow
Stokes's field to the road ; well, this hay-mow had dropped oif
the poles, and AVidow Stokes claimed it as a waif and stray.

" Now," says the Squire, " I conceit the chief pint in the
case is this here ; has Widow Stokes a right to this hay ? Now
this '11 depend, ye see, ' pon t'other point, to wit, videlicet, does
the hay belong to Bijah ? Now the AVidow says, says she, ' every
man in this country's free, and therefore every man in this
country is a king, jist as far as his farm goes. Now the king,
all allow, has a right to waifs and strays ; and so,' says Widow
Stokes, ' that are hay is mine.' ' But,' says Bijah — and by jinks,
it's a cute argument ; ' but,' says he, 'tho' every man in this
land of liberty is a free man, yet that doesn't prove that every
woman is, and jper contra, we know that Vvomen don't vote, and
ol course ain't free ; so,' says he, 'the W^idow Stokes ain't a king ;
so,' says he, ' the hay ain't hern.' But's a puzzlin' case,ain't it ?"

" Well, now," answered the minister, " it strikes me that
hay ain't astray."

" AVell," said the Squire, " there's a pint I never thinked of."

Just then in came the Deacon, and after him the sexton, and
so on till pretty much all the aristocratic democracy of the vil-
lage had assembled. And then in bustled Aunt Nabby, awful
line I tell you ; and then Susanna and Cato began to bring in
dinner. And while they were doing that, the company all took
a still" glass of grog by way of appetite, and then stroked down
their faces and looked at the table, and there was a pig roast
and stuffed, and a line of veal, and two old hens, and an everlastin'
sight of all kinds of sarce, and pies, and puddins, and doughnuts,
and cider, and above all, at the head of the table, the dish in
which lay the hero of the day — that are goose, smothered in
onions, and utterly hid beneath the load of carrots and cabbages.
The seat next the goose was assigned to the Minister, and all
sat down.

The Squire flourished his fork, and pounced upon the pig ;
The Deacon he tackeled to at the veal, whil'^ the sexton went
seriously to work to exhume a piece of pork from amid an aval-
anciie of beans. The INIinister, with a spoon, gently stirred
away a few carrots and onions, in hopes of thus coming at the
goose.

" It smells remarkably fine," says he, to Aunt Nabby.

upon

mass,

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

)o, so

3ider-
i case
ridow
ed oif

n the

Kow
f, does

every
n this
! king,
kV^idow
: jinks,
in this
; every
te, and
El king ;
L'tit?"
le that

ed of."
ion, and
Ithe vil-
, awful
Iring in
dl took
down
roast
•lastin'
^bnuts,
[dish in
]red in
)bages.
md all

le pig;

went

11 aval-

kirred

it the

" It's particularly fine and tender," says she ; " I picked it
myself from a whole heap. "

And still the Minister poked, till at last his spoon grated
upon a hard surlace.

" A skewer, I guess !" and plunging his fork into the onion
mass, he struggled to raise the iron handle with which he had
j j?ned issue.

" Bless me," cried Aunt Nabhy, " what's that are ? "

"I should judge," said the iSquire, "that are was an old

coose.

" Gracious me ! " exclaimed the Deacon.

Still the Minister struggled, and still tho goose resisted.
Aunt Nabby grew nervous, and the more the IMinister strug-
gled, the more the goose would not come. I saw my Aunt's eye
dilating, her hand mo\ed ugly, and then pounce, just when the
jNIinister thought he had conquered the enemy, my Aunt drove
the round steel through the onions into the eye of the skewer
as she thought, and dragging forth tlie tailor's goose, held it at
arm's length before the company. The JSquire had just raised
the pig upon his fork, when seeing my Aunt's discovery, he
dropped it and the dish was knocked all to smash. Tlie sexton
had drawn his beans to the edge of the table, another pull as
1 e saw the goose, and over it went. My Aunt drc'pped the
cause of all this evil, and there went another plate. The com-
pany dined elsewhere, and the next Sunday the IMinister dei.]''i-
ed ])reachin', on account of a domestic misfortin. Mj Aunt
Nabby died soon arter, and the sexton buried her, observing as
he did so, that she departed, the poor critter, iu consequence
of au iron goose, and broken crockery !

IX.

DECLIXE AXD FALL OF THE CITY OF DOGTOWN.

DoGTOWN is a beautiful place, in the interior of this Stale.
There is plenty of land around it, so that nothing can hinder
it from growing in every direction, and thus becoming a
i^reat city. In fact, Dogtown has already a one-storey church,
part of a school-house, and an elegant pound. iNobody can
f<ee Dogtown without being reminded of that celebrated town
ill France, named Grandville, of which we have the following
ueiicrjptiou :

TliAITS OF AMi:rJCAN IIUMOUU.

Orandvilk", granil vilain,
T'lii' ("A\>c ft uu liioiiliii
Voilti (jlramlvillu tuut a pluiu.

AVliicli \vc mav translate thus:

Grandville, p^reat Grandvillo,
Has a iiiueriim-liousc ami iiiill,
Nuthing clsi; iu all Gruiidville.

DoG^town is finely and a(l\aiitap;cously situated. It stands
on Eel Kivcr, a slreaiu of \\ator wliicli runs into anotlior
si; cam, and that into a tliird, Avhicdi runs into Connecticut
liivcr, wliicli rmniini^ into liOn<^ Island Sound, iinaliy reaches
the Atlantic. AV'ho does not see, therefore, that Dogtown
may become a i^reat sea-port ?

Thci territory in the neijj;hbourhood of DogtoAvn is re-
markable i'or its I'ertility, baiin<j; that ])art of it uhich is
covered with rocks, the salt meadow, the pine woods, the
clay-ponds, and tlu' swam])s. It is past a doubt, therefore,
that tho territory, if well cleared, drained, peopled, and culti-
vated, AvouM becou\e a perlect ijarden, aboundin-JJ with the
richest productioiis of nature, and ailbrdinijj a mine of wealth
to the country. As to tho facilities of communication with
t!ie <2;reat Athuitic cities and commercial marts, they are ad-
mirable.

Dogtown has Boston on one side, and New York on tho
other. ^Montreal and (Quebec are in the north, while in tho
east is the rich and thrivincj; (State of jMaine, with Baniijor
and Owl's JIe:id to boot. Kail-roads can be made to coinicct
Dogtown with all these places, and they will certainly form
such a connection, whni tJie;/ are built. That the place will
be a tijreat focus of trade, wheii this is done, nobody, I think,
Avill deny.

The neighbourhood of Dogtown has all the advantages
that can be desiivd in a young country. There will be as
juany large towns within thirty miles of the place, as people
choose to build. The poi)ulation cannot fail to increase rapidly,
for a man can gel married for seventy-live cents, town clerk's
fees included. The attraction for settlers must, therefore, be
considered very great.

The Dogtowners are remarkably industrious, for they get
a living, although constantly grumbling of hard times. They
are moreover ingenious, for they manul'acture axe-handles,
wooden bowls, birch brooms, and white oak clieese, and iu-
Aent mouse-tra])s and Avasliing machines. Last of all, the in-
habitants of Dugiown are literary and intellectual; for they

tnlk
iniiii
t\ve(>

Avon<
him,
many

been
of th
year
other
i\\\y ii
place,
i)(igt(
their (
certaii
])urel_\
tiie a])
openin
them s

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

(11 the

in llio

;uiL!;or

loimt'ct

Iv lorni

think,

ntngcs
be as

ipidly,
•ierk's
^rc, Lo

*}\ ^ct
TlK-y

Indies,

id iu-

he in-

tliey

tnllc a parent deal of tlie inarcli of improvomcnt, and the
minister and the hiwyer take the " IVnny MagaziiU' " 1)e-
tween tliem.

AH these attraetions tocjetlicr, form a eombination truly
Avonderful ; hut the reader will he astonished when i iulorni
liiin, that the inhabitants of this favoured spot lived a «;reat
many year.s without the smallest suspicion of what I liave
been, describini;. They thought very liltle of ihemselves, or
of the town they lived in, and eonliiiued to ve;j,etate from
vcar to year without iina<j;ininf]j they were better olf than
other folks. In fact, the world miLjht have eontinued to this
day in utter ignorance that Dogtown was such a wonderl'ul
|)lacc, but for an accident — an accident I call it — for the
JJogtowners ha\ inoj lived for so many years without opening
their eyes, the fact that they did open them of a su'^ \vn, on a
certain day, in the year of grace ISIU, must be considered
])urely accidental. iSome people arc inclined to ascribe it to
the a])proaeh of the comet, which had a powerful intluence in
opening ]")eople's eyes, to say nothing of its elfect in driving
them stark mad. J3ut that is neither here nor there. The
people of Uogtown opened their eyes, and saw; that was
enough: they saw in an instant their immense advantages,
and were astonished that they never had seen them before.
They saw their advantages, i say, and Y»ere determined to
turn them to account.

tStrai^htway Do^town wa« all alive: cvervbody was confl-
dent that J3ogtown nnist become a great phice ; and as every-
body told everybody else so, there w;;s no doubt al)ont the
matter. Every man went to buying land Avho could pay for
it; and those who could not pay, bought u])on credit, sure
of selling: it at ten tiines the cost within the vear. ^Suihinsr
Avas talked of but the immense advantages of the place. The
riches of Do^town were indeed immense : and how thev could
have been overlooked so long. w;is a mystery that no one
could uiiderstand. Tlie land within the limits of the town
was com])uted at seven hundred and twenty million square
feet, which, at only one cent per s(]u.'irc foot, Avhich is cheap
enough in all conscience, would amount to seven million two
iiundred thousand dollars. "What a sum ! Jiut this was not
ail. Half of this land was covered with trees, at the rate of
one tree to every live feet square, or quadrangle ot twenty-
live feet : this gave a coraputation of ten million four hundred
thousand trees ; and as each tree, on an average, contained
seventy-live cubic feet of timber, it followed that there was
actually within the town seven hundred and eighty million

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

feet of timhor, avoHIi, oh tlio lowest calculation, fivo cents
per foot, wliicli would ainouiit to thirty-nine million dollars.
This, added to llie value of the land, as above, made a grand
total ()\'/ij)i>/-si\v milUuiis lico huitdrcd thousand dollars!

I'he lueutioii of these sums almost drove the <:jood pcoph;
of l)oL;to\vu distracted Avitli joy; they could hardly believe
their eyes or ears, but there it avus in black and white;
iit^ures could not lie. They Avere amazed to think of their
own stupidity and that of thcr ancestors in lettinjjf forty-six
millions two hundred thousand dollars lie totnlly idle and un-
productive ; but they were determined not to allow their wealth
to be ne,!j;lected any lonujer. A <;rand scheme of speculation
and impi'ovenuMit was started, and all rushed headlonjj; into

it. i:

ver

maji m

Doo-t

own was ]U)W rich, or, w

•hat

was

i(»

f^ame thinu;, was sure of beinjjf so before long. Immense
tracts were laid out in buildin*; lots, and speculators Hocked
in from all (puirters: from Calsville and Weazletown and
Biizzardl)orou<^h, and Ganderlield and Crow Corner and
'CI])per ]3u<;bury and East Punkinton, and Black fSwamp
and the I]ottond(>ss lJOL,^s. Such a busy time as the Doi;;-
towners had of it! j\othinr>' was talked of but buyini^ land,
buihlini,^ houses, layinr>; out roads, streets, scpiares, avcuue>).
railroads, canals, cvc. itc. c^c. People left olf ploughinpj and
hoeino;, because agriculture was too slow a method of making-
money ; for who would think of raising turnips to sell, at
twenty cents a bushel, when he could make a hundred time.!
the ])n)llt by speculating in land?

i'irst of all, it was determined that Dogtown should be a
city. The want of population Avas found to be a serious
obstacle here; the constitution of the State requires ten or
twelve thousand inhabitants for a city ; and as Dogtown, in-
cluding the suburbs of Puijpyville and Skunk's jMiseiy, con-
tained a ])opu!ation of only s*ix hundred and thirty-one, it
was thought thei'c might be some difiiculty in getting a char-
ter without anticipating the returns of the next census.
However, a city it must be, some time or other, in this all
were agreed, and it might as well have the name first as
last, so thev concluded to call it a city. It is astonishing
what a S])irit of enterprise these ]irospects infused into the
people of Dogtown. The school-house door was painted
green; uncle »Joe Stubbins mended the top of his chimney;
and it was voted in town-meeting to purchase three wheel-
barrows for the public use ; — and all in consequence of these
projected improvements. Nay, so widely did their views of
business expand, that Aminidab Piggins, the grocer, deter-

TKAITS OF AMEiaCAN IIUiMOL'K.

mined to give up rcfailir.^, and declared lio wouldn't sj)lit
crackers nor cut candlea Auy lonjjjer.

Such was the tlirivins]f condiliou of the City of Do«;towri
whfu i left; the ])lace in the auliunn of that year. 1 con-
tinued to hear of it thrniif;]i the medium of the Dogtowii
Daily Advertiser, a Jiew.spaper established there by an enter-
prisin<ij priiUer from Connecticut at the Hrst dawnini]; of tho
coimnercial ])rosp2rity of the city. It a])pe,ired to <^o ahead
rapidly. The newspaper spoke of Ihe E.\('hanu;e, the Town
Hall, the Bank, the New l\>st Oll'ice, the Kaili-oad, Canal, itc.
House lots were advertised in Washington .Sciuare, Merchants
Kow, State Street, Market Street, etc. Contracts were pro-
posed for building churches, manufactories, &c. This was
Dogtown in all its glory.

Last August I determined to make a visit to this cele-
brated ]dace, in order to feast my eyes with the splendour of
a civy that had sprung up as it were by enchantment. When
I reached the foot of Blueberry Jlill, which overlooks tho
whole pLace, I walked eagerly to the top, in order to calcli a
view, at a single glance, of the city in all its magnilicence.
To my utter astonishment, instead ()i's))ires and domes, I saw
nothing but Deacoii Srumpy's old mansion, with live other
ragged and dingy-looking edifices, ^vhicll stood exactly where
1 iiad always known them. I entered the citv through Stale
Street, but discovered nothing new except a small house with-
out a chimney. Not a living thing was to be seen in Wash-
ington S(|uare, but three geese, who were lazily picking a
mouthful of grass among the mud-puddles. 1 incjuired for
the Exchange, and found it in use by the i3eacon as a cow-
pen. The new church, however, I was told had actually pro-
ceeded as far as the raising of the timbers ; but it was subse-
quently sold by auction tc pay for digging the cellar.

1 had a che([ue ui)on tho JJogtown Bank for three dollars,
and wishing to draw the money, I was directed to No. 19,
Tremont Street. This turned out to be the identical building
formerly occupied by old Kit Cobble, the shoemaker. It was
bank hours, but tl e bank was shut, and there was not a soul
to be seen. Just as I was going away, I spied a tin horn by
the door, with a paper hanging over it, on which was written,
" Persons having business at the bank, are requested to blow
the horn." I put the liorn to my lips and blew a blast both
long and loud. After waiting ibout ten minutes, I sj)ied
Isaac Ti>umper coming slowly down the road: he proved to
bo cashier of the Uogtown Bank, and alter some ditUculty I
convinced him of the safety of cashing the cheque.

TKAITS OF A:\IERICAN HUMOUR.

Upon inquirins2f of Isnac wh^t uso lijid licon mndo of t]io
forty-wix millioiiH two hundred tliousnnd dollju"^, ho iiii'ormed
mo that most of it rcMnaincd invested in nolcH of linnd. INJoney
^vas seaiTO. and was cxpcK'ted to eontinuo ho until tho onion
crop liad been ^oi iti. It was easy to 8eo tliat the city had
sadly deelined from its meri<lian splendour. In fact, Do"--
town has Hulfered a compleio downfall, for hardly anybody
now speaks of it as a city. Tliey have as much land as ever,
and so lony; ;',-j it conlinued to be valued at their own price,
they were as rich as Jews; but, unfortunately, it fell in value
the nu)ment they expected th.o purchasers to pay for it. The
Downtowners are poor enough at presort, lut they are not tho
first, and ]n'obal)ly will not bo 1 .:■ h ,. op" e who liave ruined
themselves by building u city or spvMUil'Uion.

THE COOX-HUNT ; OR, A TLXCY COUNTRY.

'Tis really astonish In' what a monstrous sic^ht of mischief
there is in a pint of rum ! If one of 'em was to be submitted
to an analization, as the doctors call it, it would be found to
contain all manner of devilment that ever entered the hcd of
man, from cussin' and steal in', up to murder and whippin' his
own mother, and nonsense enulT to turn all the men in the
world out of their senses. If a man's got any badness in
him, it'll bring- it out, jest as sassafras-tea does the measles,
and if he's a good-for-nothin' sort of a feller, without no bad
traits in pertikeler, it'll bring out all liis greenness. It alfccts
diil'erent people in different ways — it makes some men mon-
strous brave and full of light, and some it makes cowards;
some it makes rich and happy, and some poor and miserable ;
and it has a difterent eflect on diiferent people's eyes — some
it makes see double, and some it makes so blind that thev
can't tell thcmL^elves from a side of bacon. One of the worst
cases of rum-foolery that I've heard of for a long time tuk
2)lace in Pineville last fall.

Bill Sweeney and Tom Culpepper is the tAvo greatest old
coveys in our settlement for 'coon-hnntin'. The fact is they
don't do much of anything el.^e, and when tJirj/ can't ketch
nothin' you may depend 'coons is scarce. AVell one night
they had everything reddy for a regular hunt, but oAvin' to

potne
calic'J
After
liiint,

\])cn

aiiotbd

rhattc

iiiiich

ll'nce.

li '^11

Afii
yea rill
tcrribh

,i?i^

i^vino i
I'ln'ther
iiiis tin

" W
"I neve
parts."

"AVI
lie's alw;
ns ho ca

" G u
yet."

Shur
tliis tinn
1 i:c gintf
the last

" IS"o-

Tom
irrievc o
'•mn a-li
l;erslash

Billl
it was si

" He]
got to ? '

" Hei
nnd coflii
;i Mother i

" Nai
f Micy coi

TRAITS OF A^^IKRICAN TTITMOUR.

some oxtra f^ootl fortin' Tom lind f^ol: .a poclc('1-]ii>!tol, ,i3 ho
(■ailed it, of ro'TJar old .liiiiinnkoy, to kcc,) oil' llie runiiitics.
Al'lor takin' :i tjjood start in' lioni, 1n(>y went out on tlu'ir'
hunt, witli their lilo-wood iorcli n blaziu', and tiu^ doiija
n-liarkin' and yclpin' like fort^' tliou 'and E 'ry iww and
ihen Htoppin' I wait fop i;lio doj^s, they would driuk ono

iuiolhor'M liidth, :'ll llicy hof4,uii to I'cel very con ortahlc, aud
(iuittodaway 'bo it one thiuL,' and anothcM*, wit liout uiindin'
much which wa , tl)cy .vaa gwiu?. Biuic l)y Ihcy cum to a
ft'nco. \Vc\\, cr tlu^y got, 'tlio it much diU'iculty.

l\ .10 8

fc;

ice 18

.sen

J3in.

•' 'Taints no matter," kos Tom, " k^t's tako Puthin' to drink."

Afl(M' takin' u drink tlu>y went on, wojideiMu' wii.il on
vcnrlli liad cum of the doQ-H- iS'cxt thing they cum to wa.s a
terrildo muddy branch. After pullin' through the l)rierH and
■;cltin' on t'otlier .-^ide, they tuck nnolher (b'ink, and ai'ier
:';uine a little wixyn they cum to another branch, and a little
ui'ther they cum to another fence — a monstrouH high ono
liiis t ime.

" Whar upon ycarth \h wc got to, Cul|5ep])er ? " ses ]')ill,
"I never need yicli a heap of branches and fences in these
j'^arts."

"AVhy," ses Tom, "it's all old Ftnrlin's doins — you Iniow
lie's always bildin' fences and making infernal improveinents,
;is ho calls 'em. But never mind, ue's through them nov,."

" (Uiess wo is," SOS Bill ; "here's the all-liredest tall fence
•d." ■■ '••"

8hure cnuff, thar they was right agiu another fence. By
liis time, they begun to bo considerable tired and limber in
'lie gints, r.nd it was sich a terrible high fence! — Tom dra])ped
.he last piece of the torch, and thar they was in the dai'k.

" Now you is done it," ses ]jill.

Tom know'd ho had, but he thoutjht it vras no use to
'grieve over spilled milk, so ses lie, " iS ever mind, old boss,
'•um a-head, and I'll take you out," and the next minit
kerslash he went into the water.

Bill hung on to the fence with both hands, like he thought
it was slewin' round to throw him oil'.

((

Hollow, Tom ! " ses he, " whar in the

\\o\

IS vou

::ot to

" Hero I is," ses Tom, spoutin' the water out of his mouth,
nnd coflin' like he'd swallowed something:. " Ijook out, thar's

nnother branch here.

a AT

ame o sense, whar is wc .''
■ncy country, dad fetch my buttons

ses Bill. "If this isn't a

X '

r>s

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" Yo?«, and a braiu'liy one, too ! " hos Tom ; " and iho liifrli-
est, and deepest, aud thiekest that 1 cvei' «ced in uiy bum
days.

" Wliich "svav is you?" sos Bill.

"Here, rite over the brnncli."

The next minit in Ijili uenl, up to his middle in tiie
branch.

" Cnm a-liead," ses Tom, " let's p;o home."

''("mil t!iun(kT! in sueh a ])hice as this, whar a man
hain't jnore'n jj;ot his cote tail nidiittdied from a ience, tore
he's over his head and ears in the water."

After f^ettin' out and i'eelin' about in the dark a little,
they ^ot to;j;ether auin. After takin' another driid\, they sot
out for home, denounein' the fenees aiid the branehes, and
helpin' one another u]) now and then; but they hadn't j^ot
more'n twenty yards lore they bi-unuj u]) all standin' in the.
middle of another br.uu'h. After gettin' thro' the branch
and ow ine about ten steps, they was brung to a halt by an-
other fence.

"Dad blame my pietur," ses Bill, " if T don't ihink we is
bewitched. AVlio upon yeartli would bild fences all over
ci-eat ion this way ? "

It was l)nt a ower's job to ,c,et over this one; but after
they got on the top, they found the ground on t'other side
'thout miu-li trouble. This time the bottle was broke, and
they come monstrous near having a light about the catastro-
])hy. Jiut it Avas a, very good thing, it was ; for, after crossin'
two or three more branches, and climbin' as many more fences,
it got to be daylight, and thev found out that tliev /iad been
climbin the same J'cuce all night, not more'ii a hundred yards
from whar they lirst cum to it.

l^ill Sweeney ses lie can't account for it no other way hut
that the licker sort o' turned their heads; and he says he
does really believe, if it hadn't gin out, they'd been climbin'
the same fence, and wadin' the same branch, till yet. Jjill
promised his wife to jine the Tem])erance JSociety, if she wou'l
never say no mure 'bout that coon-hunt.

XI.

A RIDE WITn OLD KIT KUXCKETl.

Our old frlond, Kit Kunckor, a« lio put us to hod on tlici
ni^'it of a biuf frolic nt lii^ liouso, oxnclod a promise tluit wo
would visit him n^nin, short ly thcreaH or ; jji'omisinij us, on
his part, that lie Avoiild rido all ovor the settloiuent willi us ;
tmd nu)r(> os|UM'iiiIly, that ho would i;o with us to Iho hous(»
of Jim Koiii, whdsc sister, liock, was so UL;-ly "ihat the Hies
wouldn't liu;ht ou \wr faee," and about whose ;4oiu;4 to uiiil,
lie assured me, Ihore was a very ])leasant story to he told.

Poor old Kit ! liut the other day wo saw him — and how
altered by the lapse of a few years ! His liead has beccnno
white, his ti<;ure more bent, and his lau'^hinij: <>hl faee — merry
still! — was furrowed with an hundred additional wrinkles.
]Iis eye, too, was dull — hrd lost the twinkle tiiat used so mis-
chievously to lii;ht up his countenance. And theiv, too, ho
walked with a stall'; and when he went to mount " Fiddler
Bill," he said, " Help me, S(|uire," instead of vaultinu: into the
.saddle, as ol' yore! '"Tlunik you, Scjnire. (iod bless your
Union heart — old ITickory and the Union for ever! I'm
tjitlin' old now, vScpiire, and can't !j;it about like I used to" —
the old man sighed — "Uiddler J5ill is old too — notice how
fi'ray Jiis face is — we're all i;-ittiu' old — ycr Aunt Hetty as
well's the rest ; and God bless yer soul, S(piire," (here the old
Dian warmed into animation), "js//^;'* in/Jier than ever — vrjUcr
tJtfin the devil — ho! ho! ya ! ya ! Its wuth while comin<^',
jist tc take a look at her ! AVith that old long bonnet on"
—here the old fellow bent down on his horse's neck, in a pa-
roxysm of Laughter — "he! he! heal ya! ya! and her mouth
skrootched up, ya! ya! the go-to-meetin' way; I'll be cnst,
of she ain't so bad to hook at, it's cnntV to fotch sickness in
the family ! But," he added, wi])ing the tears tVom his eyes,
" Squire, I'm old now, yer Aunt Hetty's old and Uiddler 13111
is old— all old ! old ! old ! Ah, me ! "

But we are digressing. It was of our Pido with old Kit,
in 18-10, that we began to write — and not of his chattering
in 1849.

AVe went to old Kit's house on the day appointed, at a
very early hour, and found the old fellow waiting for us, with
'^ Eiddler"'Bill " hitched at the gate.

"Ton can't see yer Aunt Hetty, Squire," he said, "for
she's laid up w^tli a pain in her jaw. It's swelled mighty bad

TlJAirs OF AMKlvTCAX lII'MOni.

cny liow, nnd makos licr look ho miicli hotter, 'Iwoiiltlii't ho
no curiositv to !-('(^ her mow — so \\v lunv as well ride. An-
otliir liiiu! when slic'.s at lici'solt' — :ni(l licr ' uyly ' out in J'ull
liloom, I'll sliow \\vv to you — lie! Iio ! yali ! That boiuicl o'
licrn, too, liit'M Homo. 'Tain't liko iiolliiii' cvci' <.':i'o\v(m1, ex-
coot the haskclM tlio Jiiiiii wiiiimiii iniikcH to toto thcii* vouu"-
ones ill ! " And l!io old rascal l;niglicd at liis wil'u and her
Loiiiu't, until tho woods rauij; a^ijain.

\r;!lkiii',' our horses leisurely aloucf the rond leadincf down
Ihe creek to the rivei*, Uncle Kit, ta])[)ini; his steed lii,'!itlv
aci'oss tli(> iierk wilh his switch, he^^an, as lie had prouiiseil,
to tell us Iiow h(^ olitiiiiuMl him.

*' Vou 800, Scjuire, mc aiul my Jim was a haul in' a load of
whiskey up from \V'etum])ky, in tho isprin'j; of 'lilJ, and wo had
a mi<;hly dull old liorsc under tho saddlo. "J'ho liko of him
never was on tho yelh for hard trot tin'. ]lo was imwcrful
hard. Vou'vc set and watched a saw-mill ^'ate jerk up and
down, havn't you — up and down, uj) and down, like; il was
fjfoiu' into (its? AVcdl, that was his' mnf'ton adzactlif. ISes .lini,
one day, 'Daddy, I/m •^wino to swop 'old ilosn' oil', fust
chance T p;it.' !Sos 1, 'Nobody's fool cnon^h to ;^ivo you
anythitif^ hetter'n an old cow for him.' JSc s he, 'You'll soo.'
AVell twa'rn't loni^ al'oro wo kelclit up Vvith a traveller — it
w\as in the pinoy Avoods 'twixt Oakfuskco and Dudleyvillo —
walkin' and le:idin' his horse, which was J"'iddler JJill. I'll
tell you, tS([uire," — old Kit raised his voice and p:c:-tieulated
vehemently — " /i/? was a horse then — none o' your little mrays
— as lloniev Hinds ses — hut a re,i;'hir horse, with head aiul
ic'i;s like a deer, a body liko a barrel, and ]jut up like a jack-
Hcrow. lIo wos jist risiii' four year old, fat, ajid hilt his head
like the Queen of IS he I 'i/

" s

o flim bantered the stranpjer piirty nnick for a -^w.np —
but fust wo found out ho was walkin' bekaso ho was afeared
of his horse, lie v.;is a Norrud raised man and talked mit'fhtv
proj)cr — ho ?aid his lior.-o was ' very rested' — which you might
HOC ho had boon layin' by corn and fodder for some time —
and had throwed him and disciilpatcd his shoulder a'most!
Then he axod us about the Injuns — this Avas jist aforo the in-
fernal devils be,i;an their devilment, and the thinn; had leaked
out and was talked of, all over the countrv — and Jim seciii'
ho Avas afeared of them too, let on liko they Avas mighty thick
and hostile in them Avoods.

" ' Stranger,' says he, ' Avhat Avonld you do of you Avas to
Foe a red-sldn peepin' from behind that big pine yonder — and
you afeared o' your horse ? '

TliAIT.S OF AMniMCAN HUMOUR.

d and

j;n'!-:-

'.s' head

^v^p —

iieai'CM

111 j gilt

iine —
most !
he in-
leaked
t<ecin'
tliic'k

kas to
-ami

" ' Cod only knows,' scs Ibo Ynnky.

"' AVcill now I'll It'll yon,' sos .Inn, ' ihiir\<i n critiur imcU'r
llint sjulillo ' — p'intin' to ' oM lloss' — 'that t'oiikl lake yoii
outtMi tlio way liko ^ooao-i^reasL' ! llow'll you traiU' ? '

"Tlio Vaiikv let on liko ho Iho't liis liorsc wan tho ino3f;
vnllyhh', but tlini oul-^.alkcd him to dctli. Jlo praised old ono,
'lwi'II 1 had to j^'o bchitid tho wai^iu and lauii;h. liiiiu'-iiy sen
lie, ' ain't that a Injnti holler i** and with that tliu atruugcr
looked whito, anil axod Jim how h(.'\l tracK; ?

Vou must ;;ivo me ten doHars to boot,' saoa .lim.
W'lt my horse is tho most vail \ bio,' wes tins Vanky.
' llo aiift half-hroke/ sea Jim, " and I'd bu mosL aieard to
ride hiiii — W.Va see ! '

" With that Jim n;it.s on the roan, and tefclied him in tho
flank with the heel that was on t'other side iVoiu the 8tran<;er,
and the horse bein' nat orally phivful, you see, went to kiekin.'
u|) and ri'arin' and s(|uealin' ; Jim iioldin' on to Ihe mane, and
the Yaiiky hollerin' 'wo! wo!' Presently Jim come to the
jjround. ea-whop! And wiih that he ri/ iVoai the <^M'ound, eum-
jiiainin' miL,ditly 'bout his side, and 'lowed he wouldn't have
the horse on no terms — that et' the Injiais was to come on ns
ol'a sudden, we shouldn't have but one horse that eould beriil;
and then he axed me ef I had (.'luiy opvdildock in the wagin
box, that lie eould rub his side with ! he ! lie ! Jim />v a raseal,
that's a fau, but I ean't t(.'ll whar he got it i'roai, onlesa
it's a j(\.{\'^meni on his mammy fur bein' so cussed ugly! yah!
yah !

" Seein' the stranger was aggravated 'bout tho Injuns, I
draps in then, myse!!', and tells him I'd give him 'old Coon,'
oven drag, for the roan; and we made the trade migiiiy (juick,
for he had the Injun ager 'twell his eyes was big as sassers !
Well, we changed saddles and bridles, and while i was gearin'
up Fiddler Hill, he couldn't — but, IScjuire, what do you veekoii
it was he couldn't do ? "

'' Can't guess," we replied.

" Well, bust me wide open, ej he hwived how io put the
Iridle on his horse ! I've seen men that was ig'nant before,
but he was the wust oif with it I cv( ■ seed, lie didn't know
wiiether the bits went behind the years, or into the mouth —
blamed ef he did !

" Finally, at last, he got mounted, and jogged ofT — you re-
member what I told you 'bout the saw-mill gate — well that's
the way old Cuss rattled his buttons. He was the most lone-
mme-looldu'' critter, a-settin' on that old horse, with his new
twaddle and bridle, that ever I seed ! As soon as he got cieveriy

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOI;R.

out o' 8ij];lit, Jim ^'iii two or three Injun whoops, lul people
(lid say iu Uudleyville, \vliar he stopped that iii^lil, that lie j^oc
thar in mighty reasonable good time! So that's ihe way,
►Sipiire, I efMiie by Piddler Jiill — ain't it, Jjill l' " whereupuu

Tiddl

er pricke

us ears,

hut

saiu notluufr

7\bout this time wo arrived at a meati-lookini; shanty, and
callinj]^, were answered hy a man who came out to us. it was
Jim Jilake.

"J lore's the srnsis-iaVor,'' said ITnelo Kit.

" liang the s<?y?.s/.s'-laker," was the blunt reply.

"Don't say that, .lim," returned Uncle Kit; "he's a good
little Union ►Squii'e Mv Van Biuxmi's sent round to take'eounu
of the cloth and chickens, jist to see el the wimmin's sprightiv."

" I don't care a dried apple for hun nor Mr A'an JJuren
]K)ther," sai 1 jMr .Blake ; " Mr A^'an Buren is gittin' too cussed
smart, enny way — my opinion is, he's a measJj/ ho// ! "

" k^Jon ! son ! " exclaimed old Kit, deprecatin<j;ly, "don't talk
that Avay. Van Buren's tiie Union President, and old Hickory
says he'll do ! "

" I don't care who says he'll do — I'm gwine to vote for
Ilarriscn — see ef I don't I "

Uncle Kit Avas struck dumb, and after obtaining a list of
the family Avitli nuich dilliculty, we rode away.

"Squire," said the old man, after a long silence, "that
iellow's talk goes to my hea?'t. A Utile more, and h(;\l a ciunvd
Old JlicJivr'/ ! and ef he had, I'd a tore his liver out ! "

Old Kit was highly excited — he continued :

" To think tliat a boy I've raised in a manner, that I've told
all about old Hickory, and the Union, and Isew Orleens, and
the iloise-iShoe, should 'a turned round and come to be a
NidUJler ! Ain't thar no way," ]'e asked, as if nuisiug, "■ a\ o
couhi llx to git that poor fool boy straight agin ? "

AVe soon got into the thickest of the Union Creek settle-
ment, . nd from house to house, through the Smiths, the llcarnt:,
the Folsoms, the Parous, the Dabbsesand the Ivollinses, Uncle
Kit carried^u.3 with a speed that Avas most gratifsi'ig. lie
joked the old Avomen, kissed the girls and fondled the children ;
and Avhere the slightest indisposition Avas manifested to give
the desired information, he settled the dilliculty at once, I'y
the magic Avurds, " Union — old Jlickory."

'• It's a blessed ti.ung, Squire," le said, "to Iipa^o a man .^
friends all of the right sort. Here's my people that I b. on^ht
from Geoi'gy — confound that boy Blake, I'll give him a reg",;ir
lalk next Sai:day ; and ef that don't do I'll make his Avife ipnt
inm — all my people, as X Avas sayui', love the Union and voio

like one
Nullitieri
As O]
remarks
cross to

of the stil
lives righ
tellin' yoi
as yer Ad
and ef yoj
Avill git t(
wanted t(

A ven
James Kt
— or peril
was not a
books, fr(
mounted i

" Did
and them
Well, it's
that time,
her.

" See, :
never avou
road, t'oth
of the jac]
k no wed it
1 got to tl
t;ettin' on
t^tandin' st

" ' Bee
don't you

" Ses s

"Then
horse had
and Avhen
to the side
had let all
lliat, lean!
• ach side (
"twell her
dead ^(raii

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

told

mid

be a

" ue

nriib",

iJiicle

Jle

Jlren ;

give

le, by

t[U!fc

vulo

like one man ! I tell you, it's old Union Crick that keeps the
Nulliliers down in Tallapoosy ! "

As Old Kit was indiili^ing in these pleasant refleetions and
remarks we reached the ford of the creek, where we were lo
cross to get into the river settlement.

" Kiglit here," said the old man, as we reached the middle
of the stream, " was where 13ecky Kent ketched it; hnt she
Jives right np thar, a ])iece, and I'll see ef 1 can't devil her into
tellin' you 'bout it. She's as old and as ugly — mighty nigh —
as yer Aunt Hetty ; but she has a mighty notion of courtin',
and ef you'll sidle up to her, it'll please her so well, her tongue
will git to goiu', and she couldn't hold that story back ef she
wauted to."

A very few minutes brought us to the residence of INIr
James Kent, the brother of the spinster Becky, rnfurtunntely
— or perhaps fortunately for our heart- -the presiding godtless
was not at home ; and having made the ])roper entries on our
books, from information furnished by Mr Kent, we again
mounted and pursued our way.

"Did you see," asked Uncle Kit, "that old snuff-bottle
and them nasty breshes, stick in' in the cracks of tlu' logs ?
Well, it's on tlie 'count of sich that Becky got in the crick
that time. I'll tell you 'bout it myself, 'long as we didn't see
her.

" See, I had allers 'cused Eecky of snuff, but the lyin' heifer
never would own to it. ISo one day, as I was ridin'. 'long the
road, t'other side of the crick, I luarn a noise betwixt the bray
of the jack and the squeal of the pea-fowl, and in a minit I
knowed it was somebody in distress — so I hurried on. When
1 got to the crick, what should it be but scrawny Becky Kent,
settin' on a bag o' corn, on her old blind horse, and him a
standin' stock-still in the middle of the ford."

" ' Becky,' ses I, ' what in natur are you doin' thar ? Why
don't you come along out ? '

" Ses she, ' / caii't — don't you see how I'm fixed ? '
"Then I looked more pertickier, and seed how 'twas. The
horse had stopped to drink, and Becky h.nd let go the bridle,
uud when she tried to git it agin, the b;ig slipped furder over
to the side she icuDi't a settin' on — so when 1 got thar, she
fiad let all go hut tlie hacj, and she was a settin' on one ceiid o'
tiiat, leanin' forward, and with lier hands behind her. one to
ciirji side o' the bag, a ])ullin' agin the weight of the big eend,
tweli her face was as red as a gobbler's snout. 'Twas a reg'lar
ikad dmiii — the weight of Beck and the lilile eend of the bag,

GJi

TILVITS OF AMEKICAN HUMOUR.

agin t^ie lirj eciul — find, I toll you, she had to lean ^trZHonvar J
to koo|) from goin' over backwai'ds !

" I bulued into tlie crick and gotpnrty close to Becky ; hut
it \vas 80 funny, I couldn't fetch myself to help lier, but tlio't
I'd devil hur a little, as she set. tSo ses I, making a tine bow :

" '!^ry honey, my love,
]\ly turkk-dovo,
AVill you take it amiss,
Ef I give ycu a kiss ? '

" T3ut I hadn't no idee of kissin' of her — bat only wanted
to devil her a little. At last, I seen an old mustard-bottle
stickin' from out her bosom ; and ses I, Jliss Becky, Avill you
give your Uncle Kit a pincli of snuff? ' tSe>^ she, ' help me fur
the Lord's sake — I'm mighty nigh gin out ' — and, k:5(juire, she
was on a iremcnjus strain! But I tho't I'd plague her some:
and after cutting of some few shines, I made amotion to snatch
at thfe bottle o' snulf ! She ghi a little jerk back ! — the Z//y ecnd
got a start ! — still she hilt Ijer grip with both liands ' — and the
next thing, .somclhiii' viz in the air, like a small cloud of calico
and drif corn-stalks ! and the durndest ca-slosh on t'otlier side o'
the liorse, that ever you heerd ! A — wauoii ! fV/tat slosJtin' ! "

" ' Horraw, Becky ! rise, gall ! I was lookin' t'other Avay ! '
ses l,for I hncwed she icas ^shamed! I laughed, however, and
she 'mitfhiij nigh cussed!

" ' Oh ! you'i'c a sweet little mare-maid now,' ses I.

" ' You'j'o a drotted old. hog,' ses she.

" ' My honey, my love, my turkle-dove ; don't git mad
with yer Uncle Kit,' ses 1 ; hut it all wouldn't do, and the
iieiifer never got in a good liinnour with me 'twell I met her
in the road one [Sunday, and persuaded her I was goin' to
send Jim to sec her."

" l)id you send him r "

"Yes, and the fust thing the fool said to her was, he'd a
qin his j/cars to 'a seen her somerset that time, in the crick! he!
he! yah! yah! That busted things to pieces again, and me
and Beck) ain't more'n half friendly now."

After going through the entire settlement with great
ease rnd celerity — thanks to Uncle Kit's assistance — we took
the back-track to Mr Kuncker's. It was quite dark wlien
we r;"ived. As Uncle Kit threAv down our saddles in his
porch, said he, " Come in, and we'll take a sip of hranch-
ivafer. Hello! old woman — is yer f<ce swelled en?ii/ better
yet? — Here's the JSquire — the little blessed Uufou ISc^uire —

come
make!
;unns(
Unioi

session!
by Coh
.itivcs,
I'lk— a
son, Cl(
visit w;
jiroliflc
the seat

The
edge of
not incli'
millioini:
it, and t'
iViend's
lie oflevi
therefore

Eidg
tion for .
rdssione

It W£l

found he
One <
to see h
.Sally ^Y
arriving
The suit
could teJ
matter si
One of t
\vhile the
the man (
^vas knov

TRAITS OF AMERTCxVN IIUMOUK.

)rwar(l

r ; l)ut
b tlio't
5 bow :

[-bottle
ill you
me for
ire, she
' some:
) suatt'll
y/y ccnd
;iud the
/' calico
r side o'
tin !
r \vav ! '
er, aud

lit mad
lul tlie
et hiT
ill' to

he'd a
'! he!
ud 1110

great
le took

when
lin his
\ranch-

hetter

lire —

come to Bee you ! Ef 3-ou can't pit oiit'n be»L to come yei'f^eU',
make one of the gals fetch yer old honnct out — tliat'W be some
•Mww^Qmfvt ! AValk in, Squire, and take a- seat in yer old
Union Uncle's house ! "

XII.

SETH WILLET : THE ELK CGUIsTY WITNESS.

In the spring of 1S15, after the close of a, long, tirer-iomo
so'^sion of the Pennsylvania Legislature, the writer was invited

hv Colonel A , then Clerk of tiic House of ]^eprescnt-

ntivcs, to accompany him to his home in I lie baclc^voods of
Klk — a new county, that had been partitioned oil' I'rom JelTer-
son, Clearfield, and IMcReaii, that session. The object of the
visit was twofold ; first, to enjoy the line trout fishing of that
prolific region ; and secondly, to assist the Colonel in getting
the seat of justice where he Avanted it.

The Colonel owned a mill aiul store at Caledonia, on one
edge of the county, and a very line mill at Eitlgcway, but was
not inclined to pay anything for it, as jNFr John l^idgeway, a
iiiillionnaire of Philadelphia, owned nearly all the land about
it, and the county seat would great^^ increase its value. ]My
i'i'iend's plan was to put in strong for Caledonia ; and he did.
lie oflered to build the court-house and gaol, and gave bonds
tliereibi'e, if Caledonia should be chosen.

liidgeway became frightened, and made a similar proj)osi-
t inn for his town; which was of course accepted by the com-
missioners, who were all person.J friends of the Colonel.

It was long before the ruse was discovered, and Ridgeway
found he was sold.

One day the Colonel and mvself rode over to Caledonia
to see how th.ings flourished there, and cat some of Aunt
ISally "Warner's pumpkin pies and venison steaks ; and on
arriving at the store found a justice's court in full blast.
The suit greAv out of a lumber speculation ; and as near as I
could tell by the testimony of the witnesses generally, the
matter stood about six for one, a half-dozen for the other.
( )ne of the parties was a man of considerable ready cash,
while the other was not worth a continental dime. Harris,
the man of means, had not been long in these parts, and little
was known of him except what had dropped from JSeth "Willet

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

one ni,';lit at AVarncr's ntorc. lie was ratlier in for it at the
time ; but enou,<2;li ^vas naitl to make the good people of Elk
form a bad o})iiiiou of Harris.

Ah llie time of the trial drew nigh, some Avho -were in the
store Avlion Seth was "blowing" about Harris, began to try
to recollect what he said, and the other party in the case was
informed that he had a iirst-rate witness in the green lumber-
man, as .Seth was generally called.

Seth was forthwith waited upon, and pumped by a young
man named Wiusknv, who acted as attorney for the prosecutor.
All the information he possessed of Harris was freely and un-
suspectingly given, and Winslow noted it down as correctly
as he could.

The day previous to the trial the prosecutor and Harris
met at the store.

"AV'ell, you're goin' on with the law-suit, I s'pose ? "
asked Harris.

" Tu be sure I am ; and I'll make you smell cotton."

" Bah ! " said Harris ; " you can't touch bottom."

" Tech bottom r^ Ca — ant hey? Jest you wait till I git
Seth AV^iilet on the stand, an' swore on the Bible, and see if
1 ca — ant. P'raps I ha'iit lieer'd nothin' about them sheep
over to Tiog count}^, and the robbin' of Jcnkinse's store, down
tu Painted Post, hey?"

" AV^hat are you talking about ? " ashed Harris, apparently
perfectly in a fog as to the purport of the language he had
heard.

"I know, an' that's 'uufF;" said the plaintilf, " but let's
licker, anyheow."

Harris lost no time in finding out Seth,

" Hid you ever live in Tioga county ? "

*' Anything abeout sheep — ? "

*' No, no, 1 mean Painted Post."

*' Oh ! Jenkinse's store ! " said Seth, with great gravity.

" Two hundred wouldn't be a bad pile, Seth, here in Elk ? "'

"No — o, t' wouldn't, that's a fact. Get that amount tu
lend on a slow note ? "

" AV^ell, I might scrape it up — could give you a hundred
down, and the rest after the Court's adjourned."

Harris '(.anted out the hundred, and rolling it up, held
it temptingly lu Lis hiir~'\ Seth's eyes stuck out like peeled
onions, and his n.' u.th fairly watered at the displaj^ H was
more moncv (i?;.u he ivid "-er owned in his life.

" Hav^ '>u ivor beai <1 .Vat I K.eal sheep in Tioga count v,
Seth?"

((

of J(
Iiand,

most

thinj

coun
T

and m

to des

the sli

that 1

]

suspictt

mem or

about i

the Jen

one nig

"As

" AV^

April ? '

"Ic

"AV

"Ye

" He

(we shii

plaintiff

" AV 1

me, says

clenched

halter oi

leses' st(

an' Gille

rum he

an' he p

right dei

" AV\^

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUiMOUR.

it the

if Elk-
ill tliu
to try
!>ie wan
iinbcr-

yoinig

3CUt()l'.

nd uii-
rrectly

Harris

)OSC ? "

.1 I git
I see it
1 slieop
e, down

arcntly
ho had

it let's

ivltv-
lElk?"
uut tu

liindrcel

1), held
meelei-l
lit was

lountv,

« Not's I know on."

" You're sure r" mind you'll hnvo to swear in Court."

Seth looked at Harris, and then at the bills.

" Sure — parfeetly sure."

" Nor anythinix ab^ut my boiui; implicated in the robbery
of Jenkins's store?" Still holdini:^ the roll of bills in his
jiand, and turning over the ends, exhibiting the Y's and X's
most tantalizingly.

" Xo ; I'll swear I never hecard nobody say you had any-
thing to do with it."

" You're an honest man, Setli ; here's a hundred on ac-
count. The other hundred you shall have after the Court."

The Court had been in session some time, when the Colonel
and myself arrived, and Seth had just beeii sworn. He was
to destroy the character of Harris, by testifying in regard to
the sheep-stealing, and the robbery at Painted Tost.

" Han't no knowledge on the ])int."

" Have you never heard, while living at Painted P(^st,
that he Avas susj^ected of being engaged ii the robbery ? "

" I do-no. I never take no notice abo ^t what people say
suspiciousli/ about their neighbours."

" Eealiy you're a very singular witness. Let me jog ycur
memory a little. l)o you remember having said anything
about llarris's connection with the Tioga sheep stealing, and
the Jenkins's store robbery, while you wei'e at Gillis's store
one night last April ? "

"As fer's my reck'lcction serves, I ha — ant."

" "VV'^ere you at Gillis's store ou the night of the 17th of
April?"

" I do-no for sartin."

" Were you in Eidgeway at all on the i7tli of xipril ? "

" Yeeas, I was."

" How do you fix the time ? Proceed, and tell the justice,
(we shall get at the truth of this story yet," aside to the
plaintilf), " Come, Sir, proceed, Sir."'

" AV'^all, on the mornin' of the l7th, Dickson says he to
me, says he, ' Seth, go down to Mr Dill's, and get the naik
clenched in the brown mare's oft' hind foot.' So I list nut a
halter on an' cantered down to Ridgeway, and stopt tu Gil-
leses' store, an' bort some tliread an' needles for Ant Jerusha,
an' Gillescs' clark ast me ef I wouldn't like to taste sum new
rum he liad jest got up from Bellefonte, an' I said, ' Yis,'
an' he poured out abeout have a tumbler, an' I drinkt it
right deown."

" Well, Sir, go on."

TRAITS OF AMEKICAN HUMOUR.

" W(A], llion 1 led tlio brovv-ii maro over tu Dili'.^, an ast

r.riss :Diii— '•

'• You moan IMrs 1)111, h'li^ wife? "

'■ Yca;5, Misi-i Dill. 1 asf-, Miss Dill cf Mr Dill was tu hum,
an' she Kcd.

'"No, lio':^ (loown tu the lick b'lovr Andrewscs' mill, artcr
deer. WHiat you want Y ' says hIig.

" ' I want to get the nails clenched to the marc's ofi' hind
foot,' HOZ 1.

" ' Wal,' scz she, ' can't yen du it yersclf ? '

" ' Wal,' nay;; I, ' I f^aicw 1 can.'

" 8o b1)o Hho\ved mo wliar tlio horse-nails war, an' giv' mo
llio h:unjricr, an' T put on Dill's leatlier apron, an' at it J
wont. I i^ot in throe nails ri<2;ht snup;, and clenched them,
Ml' wan drivin' doown the third, when tlio maro shied at
fuithcn, and slioved her foot a one side, an' the hammer cum
<!eo\vn caslnp! ri.<j;ht on this there thumb-nail. You see"
(holdin<; it np) " it's not t^rowed eout yit."

" Jiut what has tliat to do with the talk at Gillis's store ? "

"I'm f;oin' on tu tell you. Lor! hcow I. did yel ! you'd
a thought thar was lifty ]}ainters abeout. Miss Dill, she cum
a-runnin' out, an' ast what was the matter.

'"Look here,' sez I, holdin' up my tliunib, which was
blecdin' like all Jehu. ' What shall I do ? ' sez L

"'I'll tell you Avhat,' says Miss Dill, an' she run an' c^ot
a leaf of live-for-cver, an' sez she, 'peel off the skin, an' put
the ])olh on.'

" ' reel it yerself,' sez I, a-cryin' with the cxhubcrant
];rin.

" So she peeled it and tied it on, an' in tu days thar want
a bit of soreness in it ; but the nail cum oil*."

" liut come to Gillis's store. What did you say about
Harris that ni<i;ht ? "

" Wal, all 1 rocolloot i?, that Tliompson an' a lot of foller.j
was thar; an' ThoDipson and I shot at a mark for whiskey,
tin' Thompson he win, and we drinkt at my expense. Then
Jiill Gallaj^er and Dill they shot, an' Dill beat Bill an' we
drinkt at his expense. Then Charley v^illis he shot au-in
IVank Souther, an' Frank win; and we drinkt at Charley's
expense ; an' then Prank he sung a soni^;, an' then Thompson
he suutj; a song; and tlie next I recollect was — "

" Well, Sir, was what ? "

" Why, I waked up next raornin' on Gillis' counter tho
sickest critter yen ever see. I didn't get over that spree for
lu loner weeks."

TKAITS OF A^IEPJCAN HUMOUR.

fist

" YVcl], is that all 3'oii have to say ? "
"All I recollect at present. If 1 think of any more, I'ii
t'omc in an' tell ye."
" You may a;o, Sir."
Harris won the «uit.

XTIL

THE TVrO PAT SALS.

ou'd

teller.i

[i^-^koy,

Then

In' Avo

au'in

Irley's

bpson

ir tho
^e lor

If every man were to relate tiic little ronifinocs of love i;i
•which he becomes involved, at fome time or otiier of his life,
novelists or farce-writers v.^ould bo supplied v/il ;i ]dols and
incide^its cnou'^h to »u])j)ly puhlisherfi and managers v.ith a
continual run of noveliies for all times.

In the story of the "Two I'at Sals" is recorded tho cx-
perionce of one man only, but it affords a very useful lesson
on tlie evils of a mind divided in the matter of love, and an-
other illustrious example of the truth of t'le aphorism, that
"the course of true love never did run r>iuooth."

''There was two Hals llvin' in our town — J^^al Stebbins arid
Sal Babit ; real corn-fed !:;als, 1 swovr. Sal •Stebbins would
lii'c a barrel of cider out of the ecnd of a cart as quick as any
other feller, ajid drink it toAv. .Sal Babit, she was so f;it, she'd
roll one way jest as eas3^.as t'other, and if anythinr,', a little
easier. Yv^ell, tiiere was a eorn-]iuskinf^% and 1 vs-ent alon:;
with Sal fJtebbins: there v/as all the j^'als and boys scttin'
reound, and 1 i^ot sot dovni so near Sal Babit, that l"il bo
darned if 1 didn't kiss her afore T know'd what I was abeout.
Sal Stebbins, she blushed: tlic blood rushed right up inLo
her hair: she was the best red critter I ever did see. I
tiiought it was all up with riie, and sure enough it was, for
when I asked her if she would go hum witii jiie, she said:

" ' Xo : YOU needn't trouble voui-self nothin' 'tall 'bout it.'

*" Well, if you're mind to get spunky, I guess I can git
a gal that will let me see her hum. Sal Babit, shall I l'o hum
v/ith you ? '

" ' AYell,' savs she. * I don't mind if vou dew.'

"Arter that, Sal Stebbins married a feller in our iov.-;;,
b}- the name of I^os', — blind in one eye, and deaf in one ear,
— jest to suite me, uothin' else: so I thou2;ht if sh.e was a
mind to take a feller that couldn't see or hear anv tew well,

TRAITS OF AMFRICAN HUMOUR.

I'd better lot her tiiido: so I went away from hum, and was
gone about three — tour — five years? — yes, jest about iiv(f
years, 'cause I know when I n-ot back slie had four little Fofi/s.
J went to see how she ^ot alonj:^. She asked me to come in
and set down ; so 1 tuck a cheer and s(|uatted ; Ihen she took
another c])eer and squatted; and we bolli squalled tlieri^ to-
petlier. Jler young ones was all runnin' rcound on lliy lluor :
KJie pinted to them, and said, in a sort of bragging way,

" ' Vou sec them, don't you ? '

"'Yes,' says J, squintin' up one oyc, * I see, they're all
jeat like tlicir daddy, blind in one eye.'

'* >Shc was biliii' dmnplings at the time, and as soon as she
^•ce me shiit up one eye, she out with a hot duniplin', and ler-
me have it i i t'other, which made mo shut it uj) t;, darn'd
t^ighl ijaicker tlian I ever did aibre, and 1 haiut been in luvo
f^ineo that time.*'

XIY.

war's yure iioss ?

Some yoasH since, when the State of Missouri wnr-< con-
sidered " lar Vv^cst," th.ei-e lived on the bank of the river of
the same name of the State, a substantial farmer, who, by
years of toil, had accumulated a tolerable ])retty pile of casr-
ings ; owing, as he said, ]) •Incipally to the fact that he didn't
raise mucli taters and unv ins, but rite smart of corn. Thi.s
farmer, hearing that good land was much cheaper farthei-
south, concluded to move there. Accordingly, he provided
Lis eldest son with a good horse, and a sulllciency of tlio
needful to defray his travelling and contingent expeni-'os, and
instructed him to purchase two hundred acres of good land,
at the lowest possible price, and return immediately home.
The next day Jeema started for Arkansas, and after an ab-
ijence of some six weelv;3, returned home.

"Well, Jeems," said the old man, "liow'd you find land
in Arlicnsaw? "

" Tolerable cheap, dad."

"You didn't buy mor'n two- hundred acres, did yu,
Jeems ? "

', dad, not over tu hundred, I rech
>w much money hev yu got left? "

((

part SI

irirr s

a
i(
((

I \vas
gciii' i|

a
'■• l\

gJi tu
iiie an'
our ci'
cat in' i
' Try a
mind,'
" Bi
"K
f^ot thai
l''i"s pi;
])')ck'jt i
vl' 1 du,
iiicnced
"Bu
"Kii

got tu A\

ler. Th

an' play

tliat gaii

''Wo

"Ku

'hvas his

"AVi

ting rilei

'" Yes

" IFa

" The

jN^ary red, dad : cleaned rite out

I '>

TIUITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

all

», by
least-
id irt

•tlici*

[idod

tiio

and

land,

»nie.

alj-

land

""VVhy, I had no idee travellin' was ko 'spcnsivo in llioni
parts, .T('(>Tn;^."

" \Vi\\, just you try it wonst, nn' you'll fiud out, T rcokon."

"AVal, novcr mind that, let's hojir 'bout tlic laud, au' — buC
tvar\s' 1/urc hos-^ / "

" AVhy, yu see, dad, T was a fl^oin' alon^; ono dny — "

" liut varsyuychoss/^^

" Yu hole on, dud, an' I'll t(>ll yu all "i)()ut it. Y\\ sco,
I v.'as agoiu' aloni^j one day, an' 1 niut a Ibllei' as said he was
go in' my way tu — "

*' I?ut war's yurn J/ons ? "

" Dod diiru mi hide, cf yu don't shut up, dad, I'll never
pit tu the hoss. Will, as we was both ,i;oin' the same way,
iiio an' this feller jiued eunipeniiy, an' 'bout noon, we hitched
eur eritters, an' set down aside uv a branch, and went to
rat in' a snack. Arter we'd i^'ot thru, this feller sez tu me,
'Try a drap uv thi« ere red-eye, stranger.' 'AVal, I don't
mind,' scz 1 — "

" But n'cir's yiire Jioss ? "

" Kummiu' tu him himc-hy, dad. So mo an' this feller
pot thar, sorter torkin' an' driiddu', an' then he sez, ' Straniijer,
let's play a leetlo jGjame uv kSeven-up,' a takin' out uv his
jiMckot a greasy, roun'-cornered deck uv kcrdi\ * Don'r keer
el" 1 du,' sez 1. So Ave sot uj) side uv a stum]), and kum-
ii;cnced tu bet a quorter u)), an' 1 was a slaijiii him orj'ul — "

" But icar's yure hosfs ? "

" Kummin' tn him, dad, Uime-by, luck changed, an' ho
p:ot tu winnin', an' pretty sune 1 hadn't not nary nuther dol-
ler. Then sez he, ' !Stran,<j;er, I'll c;in yu a chance to <j^it even,
an' play yu one more game.' AVal, we both plaid rite tito
tliat game, I sware, an' we was both six an' six, au' — "

" War's yure lioss ? "

" Kummin' tu him, dad, AVe was six an' six, dad, an'
'twas his deal — "

" Will y u tell me xi'ar''s yure lioss ? " said the old man, get-
ting riled.

" Yes, we was six an' six, an' lie turned iq) ilie Jack ! "

" IFar's yure Jioss ? "

" The stranger won him, a-turnin'' that Jack ! "

y^h

XV.

BOB LEE.

A TALC.

Tn a rcinoio region of tlio Hooffic ]Mouiitfiins is a little
pliU'C called Tiirkeytowii. It is a .st:Tn^p;lii-i^- r.ssenib]a<];c of.*
<liiif!fy, okl-i'asliioiK'd liouses surrounded l)y tlu? wood--', and tlio
inliabitauls are as old-thidiioucd as tlieir dwelliuLrs. Tlu^v raiso
corn and puuipluns, Relieve in Avitelie^'. and know notliing oi"
railroads or tlie march of intellect-. There lias never been
more than one ]);!ir of boots in the town: these ar(? called
''the towji boots," and are jirovided at the public expense, to
be AVorn to Jjoston every winter by ihe repre:<enlative. I
liad the sal isi'action last week of actuallv seeing; iliesc* vener-
able coriaceous inte'j;uments in olliclal duty u[)on the; loii^-
shanhs of Colonel Crabapple of the General Court, and was
stiau'k with beeoniini? av.c at their veteran looks. They
hcemed to bo somewhat the Avorso for wear, but the Colonel
intbrmcd me the town had lately voted to have them hcel-
ta])ped, and the vote would probably bo carried into ellect
before the next session.

Tlio present story, however, is not about boots, but about
33ob Lee, who v»as an odd sort of a fellow, that lived upon
the skirts of Turkeytown, and got his living by hook and by
crook. lie had neitlier chick nor child, but kcj.t a bachelors
hall in a ricketty old house, without any companion except
an old black hen, whom he kept to amuse him because she
had a most unearthly mode of cackling that nobody could
understand. Bob used to spend his time in shooting wild
ducks, trapping foxes and musquashes, catching pigeons, and
other vagalj(md and aboriginal occupations, by mc ans of which
he contrived to keep his pot boiling, and a ragged jacket
upon his back. Nothing could induce him to work hai-d and
lay up something for a rainy di\j. Eob left the rainy days
to take care ol themselves, and thought of nothing but sun-
shine. In short, the incorrigible vagabond Avas as lazy, care-
less, ragged, and happy as any man you ever saw of a sum-
mer's day.

And it foil upon a summer's day, that Bob found himself
without a cent in his pocket or a morsel of victuals in the house.
His Avliole disposable Avealth consisted of a single fox-skin nail-
ed against his back door, drying in the sun. Something must

bo lia(i
lor l)(
hcl'Drc
Connci
standiil
into Ail
who hil
vitatioil
cussed
juan gi)
thirsty.
you ha\
j)otatioi
satistlc
He
found t
apple-tr
flcL-tod,
Avag in
Avlien a
lu sinjv
brains w
Avei'c all
Jiiin.
'Mfol
*'Bob
what ye ::
" Got
"Bob
take?" r
'' Halt
tho mone^
" Bob
two aiul
from the J
^ " Won
doiliu' is li
pence."

'• Bob
better; t\
threepence
" Can'1
stand foi'
twisting hi
of the pers

TIIAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

1)0 liiid tor diiinor, »in(l Jiob took dowu the lox-skin, and set off
loi- Deat'ou (xi'.'ibbit'cj stoiv to sell it. As luck Mould Iwive it,
lu-rore ho bad «,'ono a quai'Ler oFa milo he met old Tiiu Twist, tlm
t'oiiuoL'ticui [H'dlar, a crony and boon companion of many years'
slaudin_,^ Tim, wlio was j^iad to s^ee his old i^Oisip, iuvited liiiu
into .Major chute's tavern iu take a Ji;lass of Ne\v-linL!;land. Bob,
who had ni'vei' HiL^ncd t!u.' tempenuico plediji', accepted tho in-
vilalion nothiu!^ loth. They aat down over half a pint, and dis-
cussed tho news. Xo drink tastes better than that which a
man <^ots for nothini^. It was a hot day, and both were very
thirsty. Tim war, very liberal for a Connecvicut man. W'luit will
vou have r J u the nnshotthey toundviiey had made an immense
potation of it; and iiob took leave of liis old friend, clearly
satisfied that ho had not taken so iieavy a pull for nuui\ a day.

lie had hardly got out of siglit of the tavern bijlbrt} lie
found tho road too crooked to travel ; he sat tlov.ii under an
api)le-tree to take a little cord retlection, but tlie mor ^ he re-
ili'cted, the moro he could not understand it : his eyt's be^an to
waijf in his head, and ho \vas just on the point of talliuLi; asleep,
when a boh o'link aligliled on a l>rancli over his head and bc^^uri
to slno- "Uob o'liid<! bob o'link! bob o'link!" Bob l.jo'i^
brains were by this time in t^m-h a fo,:^ that his eyes and oar.^
were all aakew, and he did not doubt sumebouv was callinfr on
lam.

'•Ifollo, noigliboni- ! " says Bob T.oe.

"Boh o'link! bob o'link! what yo .c'ot ? what yc got?
what yo *;ot 'r- " chattered the bird — as Bob tIiou:^ht.

" Got a fox-skin," answered ho. •- D'ye want to buy ^ "

"Bob o'link! bob o'link! wiiat '11 ye take? wliat '11 ye
i;dve?" returned the little feathered ciiatterer.

" Haifa dollar," replied Bub, "and it's worth every cent of
tho mone\\"

"Bob o'link! bob o'link! bob o'link! two andthrcoponce!
two and threepence! two and threepence!" waa tho reply
from the apple-tree.

"Won't take," said Bob; "it's a real silver-^rey ; half a
dollar is little enough for it. Can't sell it for two and tiiree-
peuce."

" Bob o'link ! bob o'link ! you'd better, youVl better, you'd
better ; two and threepence, two and threepence, two and
threepence ; now or never, now or never, now or never."

" Can't yo say any more ? Well, take it then. I Avon'fc
stand for ninepence. Hand us over the money," said Bob,
twisting his head round and round, eiideavouring to gee a si:'hi;
of the person with whom he was bargaining.

c?-^'

IMAGE EVALUATION
TEST TARGET (MT-3)

1.0

■so

I.I

■ulU

2,0

1.8

1.25

U 11.6

Photographic

Sciences

Corporation

^<^

4^0

23 WEST MAIN STREET

WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580

(716) 072-4S03

'^'f'

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"Bob o'link! hob o'link ! bob o'link! let'g have it! let's
have it ! let's have it ! quick or ye lose it ! quick or ye lose it ! "

Bob turned his head toward the quarter from whieli the
sound proceeded, and imagining he saw somebody in the tree,
threw up the fox-akin, exclaimiu<]f, "There it is, and cheap enouj^li
too, at two and threei)ence." Mr Bob o'link started and flew
away, singing " Bob o'link, bob o'link ! catch a weasel, catch a
weasel, catcli a weasel ! " for Bob Lee made clear English of
everything that the bird said, and never doubted all the while
that he was driving a regular bargain with a country trader.
At the same time, spying a toadstool growing at the foot of the
tree, he imagined it to be a half dollar, and made a grasp at it.
The toadstool was demolished under his hand, but l^ob happeu-
gin to clutch a pebble-stone at the same moment, thrust it into
his pocket fully persuaded he had secured his coin. " Can't
make change — remember it next time ! " said he, and so turn-
ing about, he made the best of his way homewards.

VV^hen he awoke the next morning, he felt in his pocket for
the half dollar, but his astonishment cannot be described at
finding it metamorphosed into a stone. He rubbed his eyes,
but the more he rubbed them the more like a stone it looked :
— decidedly a stone ! He thought of witchcraft, but presently
recollecting that he had taken a drop too much just before the
bargain under the apple-tree, he became of opinion that he had
been cheated, and tiiat the crafty rogue who had bought his
fox-skin had taken advantage of his circumstances to palm otf
a stone upon him for silver. Bob started upon his legs at the
very thought. "A rascal!" he exclaimed, "I'll catch him if
he's above ground ! " No sooner said than done. Out he
sallied in a tremendous chafe, determined to pursue the rogue
to the further end of the State. He questioned every person
ho met, whether he had not seen a crafty-looking caitiff shark-
ing about the town and buying fox-skin«(, but nobody seemed
to know any such creature, lie ran up and down the road,
called at Major JShute's tavern, at Deacon Grabbit's store, at
Colonel Crabapple .s grocery, at Tim Thumper's shoemaker's
ehop, at Cobb's bank, and at Slouch's corner, but not a soul
had seen the man with the fox-skin. Bob was half out of his
wits at being thus baulked in his chase, never imagining he was
all the while in pursuit of an innocent little bob o'link.

In great vexation at this diyapointment, he was slowly
plodding his way homeward, when he came in sight of the
spot where he had made this unfortunate traffic with the
roguish unknown. " O apple-tree ! " he exclaimed, " if thou
bee'st au honest apple-tree, tell me what has become of my

fox-pk in.
astoiiir hi
tiie end
t<t range; r
recover 1
jji-ound.
tlirust hi
above tlr
it out an
iirst to I
liowever

He c(
over and
edge of s
tli;it tho;v
they cam
lot ally ill
l)c tiie p
slrong-br
tree some
which y,'i
nobody ii
of a high
til is ([uar
means of
The ownt
was now

8uch
lie gloatoi
of niakinj:
ainioyanc
live curio
ing that t
ere he coi
perty, he
money hii
same evci

i'roni
the nei^h
and thou,£
great dea
cited tliei
dollai-H, w
nothing e
country ^

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

fox-slvin." Ho looked as lio uttered those words, and to lii's
astoiiir hment, there was his fox-skin, danijflinj:^ in ilie air at
tiic end of a branch! He knew not what to make of so
slranu'c an adventure, but he was nevertlieless overjoyed to
ret'over liis property, and climbini;^ tlie tree, threw it to the
^.'rouiitl. Tl'o tree was ohl and hollow; in deseendiuL:^, he
tiirust his foot into an openinpf in the trunk, Hoine disianco
above the around, and felt sonicthintij loose inside. He drew
it out and found it was a heavy lum]), which he iniai^ined at
lirst to be a stoiu^ wrapped round witli a cloth. It proved
however on examination to be a bn*^ of dollars !

lie could h;irdly believe his eyes, but after turninc^ them
over and over, rin<j;innf them u])on a stone and cnUinc^ llio
eilu;c of some of them with a knife, at lenijjth siitisHed himself
that they were true silver pieces. The next inquiry was, how
they came there, and to whom they belonojed. Here he was
totally in the d;irk. Tiic owjier of the land surely could not
he the proprietor of tlie money, for he had no need of a
«troni;-box in such a sly place. The money luid lain in the
tree some years, as was evident from the condition of the bap^,
which was nearly decayed. AVas it stolen ? TSo — because
nobody in these parts had lost such a sum. AVas it the iVuit
of a hij'hwav robberv ? iVo robberv had been connnitted in
this (juarter, time out of miiul. There were no imaginable
means of accountinLi; for the de])ordt of money in sucli a place.
The owner or depositor had never returned to claim it, and
was iiov.^ probably dead or <]jone away, never to return.

8ucli were the thoui^lits that Dob revolved in his mind as
he irloated over his newlv-gotten treasure. At llrst he thought
of makin<]f the discovery public, but reilectinp; on the many
annoyances whicli this would brim;- upon him in the inquisi-
tive curiosity of his neij^hbours, and more especially consider-
iiiLj that the cash must in con.^equence lie a lony; time useless,
ore he could be lep^ally allowed to a])ply it as his own pro-
l)crtv, he resolved to saT nothimj: about it, but to consider the
money his own immediately. It was thci'el'ore conveyed tho
same evening- to his house, and snu,2;ly lodged in his chest.

I'rom that day forward it began to be remarked among
the neighbours, that Bob Lee was mighty Hush of money,
and though he had no visible means of subsistence, spent a
great deal more than he was wont. More especially it ex-
cited their wonder that Ids pockets always contained hard
dollars, while other peo])le had little besides paper. There is
nothing e()ual to the ])rying curiosity of the inhabitants of a
country village, and the buzzing and stir which an insigniii-

TRAITS OF AilERIC.VN HUMOUR.

cant matter will arouse amon^^ a set of inquisitive n^ossipa.
Everybody beijan to tvilk r.bout the aff:iir, but nobody knew
how to aecount for it. All t?ort.s of guesses and conjeotures
"were put upon the raek, but nothing;- was able to expkiin the
riiyHlery. All soHm of hints, inquiries, and entreaties were jmt
in requisition. J^)b wa.s proof against all their inquisitiveness,
and seemed resolved to let them die in the agonies of unsatis-
fied (*uri(;sity.

]>o]) stood it out for a long while; but human endurance
has its Innits, and after being "worried witli guesse.s and ques-
tions till he despaired of ever being left in (juiet possession
of his own seeret, he began to east about for a method of
allaying the publie curiosiiy in some me;;::iure, or at least of
turning It aside from himseir. An old goi-\«up, named Goody
Jh'ovv'n, had laid siege to liiui about the allj-jr from the first
moment. One afternoon she dro])ped in as usual, and after
Home j)reliminary tattle, reeoiiimeueed the altaek by itujuiring,
Avith a tsiguilieant look and shake of the heiid, whether money
"Was as seJU'ce as ever wiLli liim. I'ul) liad been for some tiaio
thinking of a trick to ])I;iy the old huly, and thought this a
good moment to begin his my,si;iiication : feo puitiiig on a look
of great seriousness, knitting his brows, and ])uekerlng up
hi.! raouth, as if In'g with a miuhtv secret about to be com-
mamicated, he re])lied:

" lieally, ?vLrs ]jrov,'n — I have been thinking, whether —
now you are a prudent woman, I am ecrlain."

"A prudent vroman, indeed! who ever thought of calliiig
mo imju'udcnt? Everybody calls me a prudent woman, to
be bure. You need not doubt it, though 1 mij so."

"You ;ire a ])rudent woman, no doubt, and I have been
thhiking, 1 say, whether I might trust you with a secret! "

" A secret ! a secret ! a secret ! Oh, JNIr Bob, then there i.i
a secret ? " said the old lady, aroused into great animation by
the prospect of getting at the bottom of the mystery at last.

'• Y{>s, Mrs Brown, to confess the truth, there is a secrei..'

" Oh ! I knew it ! I knew it ! I knew there was a secret.
I always said there was a secret — I Avas always sure the;;*
was a secret! I told everybody I knew there must be a
secret."

'* But, Mrs P.rov.'n, this must be kept a secret ; so perhar^-
I had better iceep it to myself. If you cannot keep a secrei,
why then — "

" Good lack ! Mr Leo, I am sure you are not afraid.
Never fear me : I can keep a secret. Everybody knows how
well I can keep a secret."

"El

Bccret ;

" Si
secret
know

"Bi
cret;
confidei

"01
in confi

" Ml
Zachari

"Ol
dny in
iidence-
about s(
other it

*'If
mav tru

'" Oh
will pro]
mise to .

"Th(
hitching
who sat
the wish
Brown-
ing NUSp

" Ye?

'' The

are dolla

" Yes

thev con
do vou ^

you thin
'• Yes

TOU got
}0U UUiS

" Vei

is the qii

" AVI]

and rubl

iiig his e

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" EvcrylKul y know?, to be sure, how well you can keep a
secret ; that is just what 1 am thiukinj:^ about."

" Sure, ]\lr Bob, you don't mean to keep nie out of the
i^oeret now you have bci^uu. Come, come, what is it ? You
know 1 can keep a s^ecret ; you know I can."

" But this, rcpollcet, Mrs Brown, is a very particular se-
cret ; and if 1 tell it to you — hey, Mrs Brown, it must bo in
confidence you know."

" Oh, in confldoncc ! to be sure in confidenoo — certainly
in confidence. I keep everything in confidence."

" i^ut now I recollect, Mrs Brown, that story about
Zachary Numps — they say you blabb'd."

"Oil laAv ! now jMr Lee, no such thing! I only said ono
day in company with two or three people — altogether in con-
iidcnce — that some folks might, if they chose, pay so and -so
about some folks. It was all in conlidenc., but somehow or
other it got out."

" If you are sure you can keep the secret then, I think I
may trust you with it ; but you must promise."

" Oh, promise ! certainly I will promise, iMr Bob ; nobody
will promise more than 1 will — that is, I certainly will pro-
mis'.' to keep the secret."

"Then let me tell you," said he, in alow, solemn voice,
hitching his chair at the same time nearer to the old woman,
who sat with open mouth and staring eyes, eager to devour
flic wished-for secret, "These dollars of mine, you know, Mrs
Brown — " here he stopped, keeping her in the most j^rovok-
iiig suspense imaginable.

'• Yes, yes ; the dollars, the dollars."

'' These d'jllars of mine, j'ou know, Mrs Brown, why they
are dollars — hey ? "

" Yes, the dollarf?, the dollars ; go on, go on — where do
they come from ? Mr Bob, where do you get them ? — where
do you get thci]! ? "

'• AViiy, I get them somewhere, you know; but where do
von think?"

'• Y'es, yes, you get them somewhere ; I always thought
you got them somewhere : 1 always told everybody I knew
you must get them somewdiere."

"' Aery well, ]\Irs Brown."

"Very well, Mr Lee; but where do you get them? that
is the question — you have not told me."

''AVHiere do I get tliem," said Bob, slowly and solemnly,
and rubbing his hands together, screwing up his mouth, roll-
ing his eyes and shaking his head, while the old lady was on

rUAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

tlio tcnter-hooIvH of suspeni;<:^ and oxjiectation. " AVIiero do I
«4ot tluMii 'r' Now wliat do }ou ihiuk, Mia Jirown, of my old
kaek hen ? "

" Your old black hen ! AVhat do you mean ? "

"Tlior(!'s tlio tliiiiu; now! Then you never f^ucsscd, luy ?
Is it possible you novcr heard tho story of the goose with llio
golden egg':* "

" To he sure," replied Goody, oj)ening her eyes wider tliaii
ever ; " to bo Hure 1 have, to be sure, Mr Jiob — to be sure.
But your hen, you know, is not a goose."

" That is very true, 3.[rs Brown ; but here is another
question. If a goose can lay a golden egg, why can't a lieu
lay a silver one ? "

" Sure enough, Mr Lee, sure enough, sure cnougli," s'lid
the old wonum, beginning to get some light on the subject.

" Sure enough, as you say. Now this black hen of miiio
— every day 1 go to the nest end find a silver dollar there I "

" You amaze me. Bob ! " said she, in the greatest aston-
ishment. " Who would have thought it ! Indeed ! indeed !
indeed I and is it true P "

" Whv, Mrs Browu, if I do not get them there, where do
I get them?"

" Sure enough. AVell, my stars ! I almost knew it — I
always thought there was something strange in the looks of
that black hen."

" Ah, you arc a cunning woman — but be sure you keep it
a secret."

'• To be sure, never fear me. A dollar a day ! AVho would
have thought it! Bless me, wdiat a lucky man! Do, jMr
Lee, let me see the nest ; it must bo very curious : I am dy-
ing to see it."

" Certainly, with all my heart ; but let us see if there is
nobody coming. Ah, step this way ; I keep her in a snug
place, you see, because if she should run away, what should
1 do for cash Y "

So saying, he led the way, and the old v.'oman trotted
after him. lie carried her in at one door and out at another,
up this passage and down that, over, under and through, zig-
zag and round about, through all the rigmarole turnings and
twistiugs upon his premises, in order to give the whole aliair
an appearance of greater mystery. At last coming to a little
nook in the corner of his barn, he told her that was the place.
She gazed at it with staring eyes and uplifted hands, ex-
claiming,

" AVas there ever anything like it ! "

and tl
ittotl
had ac

ero do T

;' my old

3(1, lijy ?
with till)

dcr tliaii
be sure.

»aii oilier
't Ji lieu

Li1)jec't.

of in i 110
there:"
it uston-

iii deed !

\hcrc do

pw it— I
looky of

keep it

o would
Do, J\Ir

am dy-

:hcre is
a snu<j;
should

trotted
mother,
gh, zig-
i;.5S and
e aflair
a little
e place,
ids, cx-

TRATTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"Bob, to carry on tho trick, concealed a dollar in h\» sleevo,
and thrust his hand into the nest, drew it forth, and exhibited
it to the old Avomaii, who was now fully convinced, because yho
had actually seen tho dollar in the nest, and who could doubt
after such a proof?

It is needless to add that within two days, tho story was
trumpeted all over tho town, and Bob was beset with greater
crowds than ever ; so far from diminishing tho curiosity of
liis nei<j:hbours by tho stratacjem, he found he had augmented
it tenfold. It is not to be supposed that every one believed
I the stoiy, but there were enough who did, and the remainder
fell to wondering, guessing, and queationing with moro perti-
nacity than ever. Bob's house was besieged from morning
till night, and tho unfortunate man, under these redoubled
aunoyanccpi, found he had got out of the frying-pan into tho
fire, lie now denied the whole storv, and declared that ho
haJ been only sporting with tho credulity of the old Goody;
but unluckily they would noc believe him ; people do not liko
to have their belief in the marvellous disturbed ; they could
not believe his tale of finding the money in an oak tree, but
that die dollars were got from a hen's nest, was something
worth believing. Bob, at a loss what to do in this emer-
gency, a])])licd to many people for advice, and at last wa.^
struck with the following counsel from Deacon Grabbit.

" If I were in your place," said the Deacon, " I think I
would make the hen turn me a penny: — f(jr why? If folks
believe she gives you a dollar a day, they will be willing to
give a good price for her, and if they buy her and lind them-
selves mistaken, that is their look-out. Now I would put
her up at auction and sell her for the most slie will bring :
it will be a fair bargain, provided you warrant nothing ! "

This advice seemed excellent, and Bob was not long in
making up his mind to follow it. He accordingly gave public
notice, that he should expose his hen at auction in front of
the Meeting-house on Saturday afternoon next, at four of the
clock. This announcement made a great stir, and when tho
time arrived, he found a prodigious crowd assembled. Bob
mounted the top of a hogshead with his hen in one hand and
a stick of wood in tho other, and began the following ha-
rangue —

"Ding don g, ding dong, ding dong! Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy !
Know all men by these jjresents. Whereas, nevertheless,
notwithstanding. Gentlemen, please to come to order and
attend to the sale. Here we are in the name of the common-
wealth, and here is the fowl all the world is talking about,

TI7AT7S OF AJIET^ICAN HUMOUR.

now to he solfl to tlio hic^hoRt ImiWcv. "Whoever ])iiyF; lior v ill
f^ct a Mack pullet lor his pny, but a.s to silver dollars, ihat is
luillier lierc^ jior there; 1 warrant no such thiiif', hut it niav
be, and it may ijot be; nobody knows all Ihc pickinj:;^ and
Kcratchings ot'tlio hen creation. I'll Avarrant the creature to
he sound of wind and limb, but whetlier her e^<;s are round
or ilat, 1. shan't be Hat enouL'^h to swear quite so roundly:
that is the buyer'.s afl'air, lUit mine, (lentlemen, I moreover
warrant her to be a ]^]iu'k hen, and that no "wa.diinj; can make
her white, except whitewashiui;. But whether black or white,
nobody can sav black m tlu; white of her eve. for she is an
lioiiest a soul as ever picked up a crumb, and if Ldio deals in
dolhirs, you may dcjjcnd U]K)11 it they are not counterfeit.
Whoever buys her will ij;ct his money's worth if he does not
fj;ive too much ; and ho may reckon on any reai^onablo num-
ber of chickens, provided he does not reckon them before
tht>y arc hatched, (leutlemen, 1 won't bo certain as to her
age, but .1 will assure you tiiis, that if slic is too younjj^, it
is a i'ault AviJI ,<i;row lch?r; and less eveiy day. .iFcrc she goe^,.
AVbat'li ye j^ive me':" AViiat'll ye give me 'r' "What'll yc give
mcf' Come bid away, gentlemen, and make your fortunes.
kJomo folks say I have made my fortune by her, and good luck
betide them while they h-peak the truth, say I. Peo])lo say
this and that, but I say nothing. So, who buys my hen ? —
(Joing — going, going! "

The old hen set up a loud cackling, and fluttered her
wings prodigiously, at the conchision of this speech, much to
the astonishment of the crowd of spectators, who gaped,
stared, and scratched their heads, imagining that the creature
understood every wa)rd of what was uttered, and never
suspecting that IJob had given her a smart i)ull by the tail to
make her squall out. They shook their heads and observed
that the creature looked as if she saw something : Bob called
out for bidders, but his customers, with true Yankee caution,
bid slowly, and made very low oilers : at last however she
was knocked olf to a credulous bumpkin, named Giles Elder-
berry, for six dollars, to be paid in corn and potatoes at a fair
price the next fail. Bob delivered him the hen, and took
Giles's note of hand for the pay.

Giles took his purchase home in great glee, hugging him-
self with the prospect of having a heap of silver ere many
days. He bestowed her snugly in liis hencoop, and wa.^
liardly able to shut his eyes that night, by thinking of the
fortune that awaited him. Next morning he ran to the nest,
but was disappointed in not finding the dollar. He waited

TRAITS or AMERICAN lIT'MOrR.

er uiil
lliat is
it may
i^H and
lire to
round
undlv :
) re over
1 malco
white,
}■ irt as
eaJs ill
terieit.
3Q!i not
3 num-
heKon^
to ker
nuvj;, it
goes-,.
yc i];ivo
)rtunes.
od luck
])lo f<ay
hen ? —

'ed licr

iiiieh to

gaped,

reaturo

. never

) tail to

served

called

autioii,

er sho

Elder-

t a fair

d took

|g him-
many
id Ava^
lof the
^e nest,
waited

all day and saw the niglit n]iproaeh, hut nothing rewarded
iiis ])atieuee. Jfe hegan to serateh his head, hut prcscutly
bethought liimselt" that it was ISunday, and the hen heiug or-
thodox, would not lay till the next day. ^>o he went to hed
airain Avith undiiniiiislied hopes. Hut >roiidav eanie and there
was no dollar to he seen : he cudgelled his hrain, and susjxH'ted
there might he witches in the case; thereupon he naileil a
horseshoe on the door of tlie hencoo[), and waited another
ay, hut notliin? came of it. llo now sat down upon a log
of wood, and fell to pon<lerini; upon the matter with all his
iniii;ht ; finally another thought struck him, and he imagined
a nest-egg might bo wanting. Straightway he procured a
dollar and lodged it in the nest, but it did not bring him
even six per cent, interest, for the next day there was a dollar
and no more, lie tried various other ex))edients, but they
all failed in the same manner. The neighhour.s inquired
ahout his success, but ho informed them that the hen put t
oif terribly, lie consulted 13ob Lee about it, and got only a
bantering answer and a hint ahout the note of hand. Giles
was not to be bantered out of his belief, but laid the case be-
fore suiuby of his ac(piaintance, who were notorious for their
credulity in all nuirvellous atl'airs. IMost of them gave it as
tl)eir opinion tliat the hen wis bewitched, and (jiles was
already inclined to the same belief: his only solicitude now
was to discover some means of disenchantment.

At length a waggish fellow of the town, who had got a
scent of the affair, meeting Giles one dav, informed him that
he knew of a scheme that would do the job for him. Giles
begged earnestly to know it, and i)romised as a recompense
to give him the first dollar the hen should lay, in case tiio
plan succeeded, " for you know," said he, " it is a fair bar-
gain, no cure, no pay."

"You'll find that next fall," replied the fe^low^

He then communicated the scheme, by which Giles was
instructed to go to the tcp of Blueberry Hill the next morn-
ing at six o'clock, mark out a circle on the ground, set up a
tall pole in the centre with the hen at the top : he was then
to walk three times round it, heels foremost, say the A B C
backwards, sing a stave of Old Hundred, cry cock-a-doodle-
doo, and sneeze three times — all which he was assured would
break the spell.

Giles took all this for gospel, and the next morning ho
was on the spot ready prepared at the hour. He set his fowl
u]) in the air and went to work with the incantation ; all
was going on prosperously and according to rule : he had got

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

throiii;]i Iho psjilin luiio, crowed jih oxactly lilv(! iin old rooslcr
iiH oii(< could wish, and was just takiiii^ a thmnj)inLj pinch of
Scotch yellow to enahk; him to sneeze with more etl'ect, wlu'ii
castinL^ his eyes aloft lie descried a monstrous hen-hawk
upon tli(« wini; in the act of makiu*; a stoop at his enchanted
fowl, (liles blurted out a tremendous sternutation, but the
liawk wjis not to be Hnee/-e(l out of In's prey, for l)efore he
could rub away tlie tears wliich tins explosion shook iiito his
eyes, souse came the hawk upon tlie hen, nuA botii were out
of siijlit amon^ij tlic woods !

Giles Herat clicd his head and stared wi.h wonder, but they
never camo back to jjjive any account of themselves: he is
certain although, that h,v\ he ^ot throu<i;h the incantation
luilf a minute sooner, tlie her. would have been as safe as a
tlucf in a mill. 1 have heard | eoplo say that he lias still
Bome expectation of their return, but I believe he has jjfiven
up spoculatinfjj in poultry. However, the memory of the stt)ry
TCMuains in those parts, and when a j)erson does anythinjj; thai
shows uncommon wisdom, such as ([iscoverin<]; that the Dutch
have taken Holland, or that asses have ears, he is said to be
akin to the witches, like Bob Lee's hen.

XVI.

THE SnOOTING-MATCH.

Shooting-matches are probably nearly coeval with tlie
colonization of Georgia. They are still common throughout
the Southern States ; though they are not as common as they
were twenty-five or thirty years ago. I was travelling in one
of the north-eastern counties, when I overtook a swarthy,
bright-eyed, smirky little fellow, riding a small pony, and
bearing on his shoulder a long, heavy rifle, which, judgini;
from its looks, I should say had done service in Morgan's
corps.

" Good morning. Sir," said I, reining up my horse, as I
came beside him.

" How goes it, stranger ? " said he, with a tone of indc-
])cndenco and self-confidence that awakened my curiosity to
know a little of his character.

" Going driving ? " inquired I.

" Not exactly,"replied he, surveying my horse w'ith a quiz-

zlcnl
two, i
tniil I

A]
rallxM
was p
J proc

"I
meet, t

''A
the oJ(

1 OUL,d

"\
M

='lt
knew 1
please

"It
have b(

"Pj
look yc

"W
clever a

" To
wclcomi

haviner.'

" (Th

up his I
you will
out the
'Soap-sh'c.
«houldei

This
it tauii:h
was goii
soap-stict
with her
driving t,

"We
of my W.I

"Unl
Paid Billi
a mile a-l

TRAITS OF AMKHIfAX lITMOrR.

f.1

igr

li tlic
hout
tlicy

m one

arthy.
and

idgini^'

qui

7\rn\ pmilo, " T linvon't hcon a-drivincj l>/ wi/xrJf for a ycnr or
two, and my hoho has fjot so b;nl laU-Iy I can't carry a cold-
trail v'ifliont houndx to help mr''

Alono, and without hounds as ho ^vas, llio question was
rat luM' a silly one ; but i answered tlio purjxise for which it
was put, wlii(di was only to draw liiin into conversation, and
1 proceeded to make as decent retreat as I could.

"I didn't know," J said, "but that you wero going to
nioct tlio liuntsmen, or going to your stainl."

"All, sure enough," rejoined iu*, "tliat motif ho a heo, n^<
the old woman said when hIic killed a wasp. It «ecms to mo
1 u\vj}\v to know you."

" W(U, if you oui/ht why dont you? "

" What vioiit \i)\U' name be':^ "

'■'It mif/ht bo anything," said T, with "borrowed wit ; f)r T
know my man, and knew wluit kind of couversatiou would
please lii?n most.

"Well, what wit then?"

"It is Hall," said I; " but, you know, it might as well
have been anything else."

"Pretty digging," said ho, " I find you're not tiio fool I
took you to be ; so here's to a better acciuaintance Avith you."

" With all my heart," return(Hl I ; ' but you must bo as
clever as I've been, and give mo your iiamo."

"To be sure I will, my old 'coon; take it, take it, and
welcome. Anything else about me you'd like to have? "

" No," said I, " there's nothing else about you worth
having."

" Oh yes, there is, stranger. Do you see this? " holdin<j:
up his ponderous rifle with an ease that astonished me. "If
you will go with me to the shooting-match, and see me knock
out the biilVs eye with her a few^ times, you'll agree the old
soap-stick'a worth something when Billy Curlew puts hia
shoulder to her."

This short sentence was replete with information to mo:
it taught me that my companion was Billy Curlew ; that ho
was going to a shooting-match; that he called his rille the
soap-stick ; and that he was very confident of winning beef
w ith her ; or, which is nearly, but not quite the same thing —
iJriving the cross ivith he)'.

" Well," said I, " if the shooting-match is not too far out
of my way, I'll go to it with pleasure."

" Unless your way lies through the woods from here."
Paid Billy, " it'll not be much out of your way ; for it's only
a mile a-head of us, and there's uo other road for you to take

Hit

TKAIT.S or AMKKirAX IU'M(JL'II.

till ynii nr(.t; llioi'o; Mud ns lliaf thinpj ^'ouVo riMInc^ in niii't
\\v\\ Hiiili'il lo last triivclliiiLj jiiiKUit; IiumIiv kiiohH, I ivrkdii
vou won't lose imicli hv L'oiii'' bv. I reckon voii li.irillv <'\ci'
was at a HhuDting-inatcn, ^irangi-r, truni Ihu cut ot yoia*
coal ? "

"Oh yos," rclurncMl T, "many a timo. T won ])oor nt one,
wJK'n I Wiis hardly old cnoiii;'! to hold a sliort-i^im oll'-liand."

'• CliiMrcn don't ;;o 1o sliool inL;-niatcIu'M ahoiil here," ^aiil
lit' with a smilo oi' iiicrcdiilil v. '• I lu'vcr heard of but ono
that did, and ho was a little Kwinfjr-cnt. lie was born a-shoot-
iiij;, and killed s(|uirrels before? \w. was weaned.

"Nor did I e\er hear of but one," replied T, "and that
one was jnyself."

"And where did vou win beef f o youn::;, si ranger?"

"At Berry Adani's."

" Why sto]), stratiijjer, let mo look at you. Good. Tsyou'
name Tiynian Hall ? "

" The veiy Manie," said T.

" '\Vell, (lan<jf n.y bullous, if you ain'l^ ihc very lioy my
daddy used to tell uie a!)out ! \ was too youni; to reeollec;
vou mvself; but l"\o heard daddv talk about vou many ;i
timo. 1 believe mannnv's «;ot a neek-handkerehief now tha';.
daddy won on your shootini^ at Colleu Reid's store, when you
were hardly knee-high. Conu? along, Lyman, and I'll go my
death upon you at tho sliooting-nuileh, with the old soap-
(sliek at your shoulder."

"Ah, Hilly," said 1, "tho old .«?oap-stiek will do miudi bet-
ter at your'own shouhler. It wa.s my mother's notion ilia!.
sent mo to tho shoot ing-mateh at Berry Adam's; and, to lell
you tho honest truth, it was altogether a ehance shot that
made mo win beef; but that wasn't generally known, and
most cveryb(>dy believed tluit I was carried there on aecoiuit
of my skill in shooting; and my fame was spread lar and
wide, I well remember.

"1 remember, too, pcrfoeily well your father's bet on mo
at tho store. Ho was at the shool ing-mateh, and nothing
could make him believe but that I was a u:reat shot with :'..
rifle, as well as a shot-gun. Bet he would on me, in spite oi*
all I could say, though I assured him that I had never shot ;;,
rillo in my life. It so happened too, that there were but lwi>
bullets, or ratlier a bullet and a half; and so confident w;m
your father in my skill that ho made me shoot the half bulle;,
and stran^re to tell, by another chance shot I like to have
drove the cross, and won his bet."

"Aow 1 know you're the very chap; for I heard dadc!

lell t

ill Ins

((

1..

TliAIl.S OF AMEiaCAX IIUMOUU.

h.j

li'll iLo vcrv lliiii": nl)()nt tlic half bullet. Don't sav nnvtliiiiLj
about it, Ti\ man, ami tluru u\y old shoes il' 1 don't, tear lno
lint oil* tho boys with you at the Hhootin^jj-niatch. They'll
never 'speet Nuch a lookin;^' man as you are of knowing any-
lliin'' al)oul a rillo. J Ml risk vour clumcc. hIioI."

1 Hoon diseoverod that tho father had eaten sour grapes,
and the son's teeth were on edije ; for iJillv was iust as in-
corrlLjibly (d).stinato in his belief of my dexterity with a rillo
as his father had been before him.

We soon reached the i)laeo a|)pointed for the shootinp;-
inateh. Jt went bv tlie name of Sims' Cross Koads, beeause,
from tho time that the lirst had been laid out, Arehibald Sims
had resided there. Arehibald had been a Justiee «d'the IVaeo
in his day (and where is tho man of bia a^o in (ieor;^'ia who
lias not':'), conseciuently he was called Squire Sims. It is the
i'ustom in this State, when a man hiis unco acquired a title,
civil or military, to force it upon him as lon«; as he lives;
hence tho countless nundjer of titled personages who arc in-
troduced in these sketches.

AV'e stopped at tho Squire's door. Uilly hastily dis-
mounted, gave me the shako of tho hand which ho had been
I'cluclantly reserving; for a mile back, aud leading me to tho
Squire, thus introduced me :

"Undo Archy, this is Lyman Hall; and for all you seo
him in these iine clothes he's a awiurif-cni — a darn si<4;ht
cleverer fellow than he looks to be. AVait till you seo him
lift the old soap-stick, and draw a bead upon tho bull's eye.
\o\\ gwine to see fun to-day':' Don't say nothing about it.'

" Well, Mr Swinge-cat," said the Squn-e, "hero's to a bet-
ter acquaintance with you," offering me his hand.

" IIow goes it, Uncle Archy':'" said I, taking his hand
warmly: for I'm always free and easy with those who are so
w ith me, aud in this course I rarely fail to please. " liow's
the old woman? "

"Egad!" said the Squire, chuckling, "there you're too
hard for me ; for she died two-and-tw enty years ago, aud 1
haven't heard a word from her since ! "

" AVhat ! and you never married again ? "

" AVell, that's not my fault. "

" No, nor mine Wither," said I.

Here we were interrupted by tho cry of another, Iianccy
Sniffle.

" Hello, here ! All you as wish to put in for the shoot-
iug-match come on here! for the put'n in's riJiIj/ to begin."

About sixty persons, including men spectators, had cul-

TK S OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Icctcil ; and the most of tliem were more or less obedient to
the call of Mealy Whitecotton — for that was the name of the
Kt'lf-constituted comman 'er-in-ehief Some hastened aiid some
loitered, as they desired to be iirst or last on the list ; for
thev shoot in the order in which their names are entered.

The beef was not present, nor is it ever upon such occa-
f*ions ; but several of the company had seen it, who all con-
curred in the opinion that it was ^ood beef, and Avell worth
the ])rice that was set upon it — eleven dollars. A general
inquiry ran, in order to i'orm some opinion as to the number
of shots that would be taken ; for, of course, the price of a
shot is cheapened in proportion to the increase of that num-
ber. It was soon ascertained that not more than twenty
person." would take chan<'es ; but these twenty agreed to take
the number of shots at twenty-live cents each.

The competitors now began to give in their names ; some
for one, some for two, three, and a few for as many as four
(shots.

Billy Curlew hung back to the last, and when the list was
offered to him, five lists remained undisjiosed of.

'" How many shots left ? '\ inquired Billy.

'• Five," was the reply.

" Well, I take them all. Put do;"n four shots for me, and
one to Lyman Hall, paid for by AVilliam Curlew."

1 u;s thunder-struck ; not at his proposition to pay for
my shot, because that Billy meant it as a token of friendship,
and he would have been hurt if 1 had refused to let him do
me this favour ; but at the unexpected announcement of my
name as a comjietitor for beef, at least one hundred miles
from t^te place of my residence!

T „as prepared for a challenge from Billy to some of his
neighbours for a private match upon me, but not for this. I
therefore jirotested against his putting in for me, and urged
every reason to dissuade him from it that I could, without
wounding his feelings.

" Put it down," said Billy, with the authority of an em-
peror, and with a look that spoke volumes, intelligible to every
bystander. " Keckon I don't know what I'm about? " Then,
wheeling off, and muttering in an under, self-confident tone:
*' Dang old Eoper," continued he, " if he don't knock that
cross to the north corner of creation, and back again, before
a cat can lick her foot ! "

Had I been king of the cat-tribe, they could not have re-
garded me Aviih more curious attention than did the whole
company, from this moment. Every inch of me was examined

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

with tlie nicest scrutiny ; and some plainly expressed, by their
looks, that they never would have taken me for such a bite.
1 saw no alternative, but to throw myself upon a third chance-
shot ; for, thoupfh by the rules of sport 1 would have been
allowed to shoot by proxy, by all the rules of good-breeding
I was bound to shoot in person. It Avould have been unpar-
donable to disappoint the expectations which had been raised
on me. Unfortunately too for me, the match dill'ered in one
respect from those which I had been in the habit of attend-
ing in my younger days. In olden-time, the conte.^it was
carried on chiefly with shot-f/uns, a generic term, which, iii
those days, embraced three descriptions of fire-arms : Indian -
traders — a long, cheap, but sometimes excellent kind of gun,
that Mother Britain used to send hither for tralfic with tliv?
Indians — the large musket^ and the shot-<jun, properly so-
called.

Rifles were however always permitted to compete with
them, under equitable restrictions. These were, that they
should be fired ofi-hand, while the shot-guns we"e allowed a
rest, the distance being equal ; or that the distance should
be one hundred yards for the rifle to sixty for the s\ot-gun,
the mode of firing being equal.

But this was a match of rifles exclusivelv ; and these arc
by far the most common at this time.

Most of the comnetitors fire at the same target, which is
usually a board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on
one side as black as it can be made by fire, without impairing
materially the uniformity of its surface ; on the darkened side
of which is pegged a square piece 9f white paper, which is
larger or smaller, according to the distance at which it is to
be placed from the marksmen. This is almost invariably sixty
yards, and for it the paper is reduced to about two and a half
inches square. Out of the centre of it is cut a rhombus of
about the width of an inch, measured diagonally — this is the
bull's eye, or diamond, as the marksmen choose to call it ; in
the centre of this is the cross. But every man is permit! ed
to fix his target to his own taste ; and accordingly, some re-
move one fourth of the paper, cutting from the centre of the
si|uare to the two lower corners, so as to leave a large open-
ing from the centre downwards ; while others reduce tlie
angle more or less ; but it is rarely the case that all are not
satisfied with one of these figures.

The beef is divided into five prizes, or as tliey are cora-
monly termed, five quartera, the hide and tallow counting as
one. I'or several years after the revolutionary war, a sixth

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Avas added ; tlic lend which was shot in the match. Tliia wns
the prize of the sixth best shot ; and it u.sed to be carefully
extracted from tlic board, or tree, in svhich it was lodi^'ed, and
afterwards remoulded. But this grew out of the exigency of
the times, and has, I believe, been long since abandoned
everywhere.

The three master-sliots and rivals w^ere Moses Firmby,
Larkin Spivey, and }3illy Curlew, to whom was added, u])on
this occasion, by common consent, and with awful forebodings
— your humble servant.

The target was fixed at an elevation of about three feet
from the ground ; and the judges (Captain Turner and JSquirc
Porter) took their stands by it, joined by about half the spec-
tators.

The first name on the catalogue was Mealy AVhitecotton.
Mealy stept out, rifle in hand, and toed the mark. His rifle
was about three inches longer than himself, and near enough
his own thickness to make the remark of Darby Chisholm, as
he stcjit out, tolerably appropriate.

" Here comes the corn-stack and the sucker ! " said Darby.

" Kiss my foot ! " said Mealy j " the way I'll creep into
that bull's eye's a fact."

" You'd better creep into your hind sight," said Darby.

Mealy raised and tired.

" A pretty good shot, Meal," said one.

" Yes, a blamed good shot ! " said a second.

" Well done, Meal ! " said a third.

I was rejoiced when one of the company inquired, " "WHiere
is it ? " for I could harc^ly believe they were founding these
remarks upon the evidence of their senses.

" Just on the right hand of the bull's eye," was the reply.

I looked with all the power of my eyes, but was unable to
discover the least change in the surface of the paper. Their
report, however, was true — so much keener is the vision of a
practised than an unpractised eye.

The next in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram was like
some race-horses which I have seen — he was too good not to
contend for every prize, and too good-for-nothing ever to win
one.

" Gentlemen," said he, as he came to the mark, " I don't
say that I'll win beef; but if my piece don't blow, I'll eat the
paper, or be mighty apt to do it, if you'll believe my rocket.
My j)owder are not good powder, gentlemen — I bought it
ilium (from) Teb Dagget, and gin him three quarters of a
dollar a pound for it ; but ii, are not what I call good

powd
the b
near

and T
your

:i littk

a lon<

Inokinj
made

"Yl
reply.

"I
men ? '

"A
amount

"B(

lis was
I'e fully

d, and
nicy of
idoncd

irmby,
i, upon
lodiugs

Be feet
ISquirc
e spec-
cotton,
lis riile
enouj^li
olm, as

Darbv.
ep into

arby.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

AVliere
these

reply.

lable to

Their

in of a

IS like
Inot to
|to win

don't
[at the
focket.

iht it
of a

good

powder, gentlemen: but if old Buck-killer burns it clcnr,
tlie boy you call lliram Baugh cats paper or comes niiglily
near it."

" Well, blaze away ! " said Mealy. " And be hanpied, you
and Teb Dagget, and your powder and your Buck-killer, and
your powder-horn and shot-pouch to boot ! How long you
gwine stand thar talking 'fore you shoot ? "

"Never mind," said Hiram, "I can talk a little and shoot
a little too ; but that's nothiu'. Here goes ! "

lliram assumed the figure of a note of interrogation, took
a long sight, and fired.

" I've eat paper," said he, at the crack of the gun, without
looking, or seeming to look towards the target. " Buck-killer
made a clear rocket. AVherc am I, gentlemen ? "

" You're just between Mealy and the diamond," w as the
reply.

" I said I'd eat paper, and I've done it, haven't I, gentle-
men ? "

"And s'pose you have!" said INTealy, "what do that
amount to ^ You'll no' win beef, and never did."

" Be that as it mout be, I've beat Meal 'Cotton mighty
easy; and the boy you call Hiram Baugh are able to do it."

" And what do that 'mount to ? AVho ain't able to beat
Meal 'Cotton! I don't make no pretence of being nothing
great no how : but you always makes out as if you were
gwine to keep 'em making crosses for you, constant ; and
then do nothin' but eat paper at last ; and that's a long way
from eating beef 'cording to Meal 'Cotton's notions, as yeu
call him ! "

Simon Stow was now^ called for.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed two or three, "now we have it.
It'll take him as long to shoot as it would take Ktjuire Ucb-
Lius to run a track o' land."

" Good-bye, boys," said Bob Martin.

" AV^here you going. Bob ? "

" Going to gather in my crop. I'll be back again though
by the time Sime Stow shoots."

Simon was used to all this, and therefore it did not dis-
concert him in the least. He went off, and brought his own
target, and set it up with his own hand.

lie then wiped out his rifle — rubbed the pan with his hat
— drew a piece of toAV through the touch-hole with his wi})er
— filled his charter with great care — poured the powder into
his rifle with equal caution — shoved with his finger the two
Of three vagrant grains that lodged round the mouth of his

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUJklOUR.

picre — took out a handful of bullets — loolxcd them all over
ciirt'l'ullv — selected one vithout flaw or wrinkle — drew out
hiH patcliiuij; — found the most even part of it — sprunp; upon
the grease-box in the breech of his rifle, greased side down —
phiced his ball upon it — pressed it a little — then took it up
and turned the neck a little more perpendicularly downward
— placed his knife-handle on it — ^just buried it in the mouth
of the rille — cut olf the redundant patching just above the
bullet — looked at it and shook his head in token that he had
cut oft" too much or too little, no one knew which — sent down
the ball — measured the contents of his gun with his flrst and
second fingers, on the protruding part of the ramrod — shook
liis head again to signify that there was too much or too little
powder — primed carefully — placed an arched piece of tin over
the hind sight to shade it — took his piece — got a friend to
hold his hat over the foresight to shade it — took a very long
sight — iircd, and didn't e\en eat paper.

" My piece was badly load'nd," said Simon, when he heard
the place of his ball.

" Oh, you don't take time," said Mealy. " No man can
shoot that's in such a hurry as you is. I'd hardly got to sleep
'fore I heard the crack o' the gun."

The next was IVloses Eirmby. He was a tall, slim man, of
rather sallow complexion : and it is a very singular fact, that
though probably no part of the world is more healthy than
the mountainous regions of Georgia, the mountaineers have
not generally robust forms or fine complexions : they are,
however, almost inexhaustible by toil.

Moses kept us not long in suspense. His rifle was already
charged, and he fixed it on the target with a steadiness of
nerve and aim that was astonishing to me and alarming to all
the rest. A few seconds, and the report of his rifle broke
the death-like silence which prevailed.

" No great harm done yet," said Spivey, manifestly re-
lieved from anxiety by an event which seemed to me better
calculated to produce despair.

Firmby's ball had cut the lower angle of the diamond,
directly on a right line with the cross.

Three or four followed him without bettering his shot;
all of whom however with one exception, " eat the paper."

It now came to Spivey's turn. There was nothing re-
markable in his person or manner. He took his place, lowered
his rifle slowly from a perpendicular, until it came on a line
with the mark — held it there like a vise for a moment, and
fired.

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIIJMOL'U.

lU over
cw out
nj upon
down —
V it up
kvnward
mouth
ovo the
he had
lit down
irst and
— shook
00 litilo
tin over
'lend to
jry long

heard

nan can
to sleep

1 man, of
ict, that
:hy til an
ira have
ley are,

already

liness of

ig to all

broke

|st]y re-
better

[amond,

shot;
|er."
ling re-
lowered
a line
nt, and

"Pretty sebigrous^ but nothing killing yet," said T>illy
Curlew, as he learned the place of Spivey's ball.

Spivcy's ball had just broken the upper angle uf the
diamond, beating I'irmby about half its width.

A few more shots, in which there was nothing remarkable,
brought us to Billy Curlew. Billy stept out with much con-
fidence, and brought the soap-stick to an order, while he de-
liberately rolled up his shirt sleeves. Had I judged Billy's
chance by the looks of his gun, I should have said it was hope-
less. The stock of soap-stick seemed to have been made with
a case-knife, and had it been, the tool would have been but a
poor apology for its clumsy appearance.

An augur hole in the breech served for a grease-box, a
cotton string assisted a single screw in holding on the lock,
and the thimbles were made, one of brass, one of iron, and
one of tin.

" AVhere's Lark Spivey's bullet? " called out Billy to the
judges, as he finished rolling up his sleeves.

" About three quarters of an inch from the cros.s," was
the re])ly.

" AV^ell, clear the way! the soap-stick's a coming, and
she'll be along in there among 'em presently."

Billy now planted himself a-straddle, like an inverted V,
shot forward his left hip, drew his body back to an angle of
about forty-five degrees with the plane of the horizon, brought
his cheek down close to the breech of old soa])-stick, and
fixed her upon the mark with an untrembling hand. His
sight was long, and the swelling muscles of his left arm led
me to believe that he was lessening his chance of success with
every half second that he kept it burdened with his pon-
derous rifle ; but it neither flagged nor Avavercd until soap-
stick made her report.

" "Where am I ? " said Billy, as the smoke rose from be-
fore his eye.

" You've just touched the cross on the lower side," was
the reply of one of the judges.

"I was afraid I w'as drawing my bead a leetJe too fine,"
said Billy. " Now, Lyman, you see what the soap-stick can
do. Take her, and show the boys how you used to do when
you were a baby."

I begged to reserve my shot to the last ; pleading, ratlier
sophistically, that it was, in point of fact, one of Billy's shots,
^ly plea was rather indulged than sustained; and the nu'rks-
liien who had taken more than one shot commenced the
second round. This round was a manifest iniprovemeuL upon

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

the first. Tlic cross was driven three times, once by Spivov,
once by I'^irinby, jind once by no less a persona;^'o than !^[oaly
Whitecottoii, wlioin cluince seemed to favour for this time,
merely that he mi«i;ht retaliate upon Hiram Bauyli ; and the
bull's eye was disllj^ured out of all shape.

The third and fourth rounds were shot. Billy discharged
liis last shot, which left the rights of parties thus; Billy
Curlew first and fourth choice, Spivey second, Eirmby third,
and Whitecotton fifth. Homo of my readers may be curious
to learn how a distinction comes to be made between several,
all of whom drive the cross. The distinction is perfectly na-
tural and equitable. Threads arc stretched from the inieifaccd
parts of the once interesting lines, by means of which the
original position of the cross is precisely ascertained. Each
bullet-hole being nicely pegged up as it is made, it is easy to
ascertain its circumference. To this, I believe they usually,
if not invariably, measure where none of the balls touch the
cross ; but if the '*rosa be driven, they measure from it to the
centre of the buLet hole. To make a draw-shot, therefore,
between two who drive the cross, it is necessary that the
centre of both balls should pass directly through the cross —
a thing that very rarely happens.

The bite alone remained to shoot. Billy wiped out his
rifle carefully, loaded her to the top of his skill, and handed
her to me.

" Now," said he, " Lyman, draw a fine bead, but not too
fine ; for soap-stick bears up her ball well. Take care, and
don't touch the trigger until you've got your bead ; for she's
spring-triggered, and goes mighty easy ; but you hold her to
the place you want her, and if she don't go there, dang old
Eoper."

I took old soap-stick, and lapsed immediately into tlie
most hopeless despair. I'm sure I never handled as heavy a
gun in all my life.

" Why, Billy," said I, " you little mortal, you ! what do
you use such a gun as this, for? "

" Look at the bull's eye, yonder," said he.

" True," said I ; " but I can't shoot her — it is impossible."

" Go 'long, you old coon," said Billy ; " I see what you're
at. (Intimating that all this was merely to make the coming
phot the more remarkable.) " Daddy's little boy don't shoot
anything but the old soap-stick here to-day, I know."

The judges, I knew, were becoming impatient, and, withal,
my situation was growing more embarrassing e\ery second ; so
I e'en resolved to try the soap-stick, without further parley.

rrou

1JU(

tadf
came
ingly
all m
of gr;
vcloci
not 01
mentt

said

Spivoy,

is time,
and. tlio

elmrn;ctl
s; Billy
y third,
curious
several,
!<jlly nn-
iiell'accd
licli tho
,. Each
1 easy to
usually,
jucli the
it to the
liereforo,
that tho
) cross —

out his
handed

not too
•are, and
for she's
her to
tang old

into the
[heavy a

rhat do

)ssihle."

you're

coming

I't shoot

withal,

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ion
)ar

d; so
ley.

I stcpt out, and the most intense interest was excited all
rround me, and it Hashed like clcctrleily round the target, a;}
i judged from the anxious Lijazc of all in that direction.

Policy dictated that I should fire with a fallin<jf rille, and
t adopted this mode, delcrmiuinu; to fire as soon as the sights
came on a lino with the diamond, head or no bead. Accord-
ingly, I commenced lowering ohl soap-slick ; hut, in spite of
all my muscular powers, she was strictly obedient to the; laws
of gravitation, and came down with an unitorinly accelerated
velocity. Before I could arrest her downward flight, she had
not only passed the target, but was making rapid encroach-
ments on my own toes.

"AVhy, he's the weakest man in tho arms 1 ever seed,"
said one, in a half-whisper.

" It's only his fun," said Billy ; " I know him."

"It may be fun," said tho other, "but it looks miglilily
like ycarnest to a man up a tree."

1 now, of course, determined to reverse the mode of firing,
find put forth all my physical energies to raise son])-s( ick ro
the mark. The effort silenced Billy, and gave tongue to his
companions. I had just strength enough to inaster soap-
stick's obstinate proclivity, and consequently my nerves be-
gan to exhibit palpable signs of distress with her first imper-
ceptible movement upward.

A trembling commenced in my arms, increased and ex-
tended rapidly to my body and lower extremities, so that, by
the time 1 brought soap-stick up to tho mark, I was shaking
from head to foot, exactly like a man under the continued ac-
tion of a strong galvanic battery. In tho mean time my
friends gave vent to their feelings freely.

" I swear, point blank," said one, " that man can't shoot."
. " He used to shoot well," said anoth'er ; " but can't now,
uor never could."

" You better git away from 'bout that mark," bawled a
third ; " for I'll bo d — d if Broadcloth don't give some of you
the dry gripes, if you stand too close there."

"The stranger's got the Peedoddles,'' said a fourth, with
humorous gravity.

"If he had bullets enough in his gun, he'd shoot a ring
round the bull's eye, big as a spinning-well," said a fifth.

As soon as I found that soap-stick was high enough (for
I made no further use of the sights than to ascertain this
fact), I pulled the trigger, ftnd off she went.

I have always found the most creditable way of relieving
myself of derision, was to heighten it myself as much as pos-

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

country
with ai

Pi'bK-. It is a rrnad plan in all circles, hut hv far the ho«\
which can he adopted anions; the plain, roui^h 'iarnier.s of t]i(.
Accordinn;ly, I hrou^jht old soap-stick to an order

h an air of triumph, ti])pcd Billy the wink, and observed:

" Now Billy's your time to make your fortune. Bet 'em
two to one that I've knocked out the cross."

" No, I'll be dod blamed if 1 do," said Billy ; " but I'll bet
you two to one that you ha'nt hit the plank."

"Ah, Billy," said I, "I was joking about betting, for I
never bet, nor would I have yoil bet ; indeed, I do not i'ccl
exactly right in shooting for beef, for it is a species of gaming,
at last; but I'll say this much, if that cross has not been
knocked out, I'll never shoot for beef again as long as I live."

" By dod," said Mealy Whitecotton, " you'll lose no great
things at that."

" Well," said I, " I reckon I know a little about wabblint,'.
Is it possible, Billy, a man who shoots as well as you do,
never practised shooting with the double wabble? It's tlio
greatest take in in the Avorld, when you learn to drive tlu^
cross with it. Another so.'t for getting bets upon, to tho
drop sight and single wabble ; and the soap-stick's the very
yarn for it."

" Tell you what, stranger," said one ; " you're too hard for
us all h( e. We never Jiearn o' that sort o' shoot'n in these
parts."

" Well," returned I, " you've seen it now, and I'm the boy
that can do it."

The judges were now approaching with the target, and a
singular combination of circumstances had kept all my party
in utter ignorance of the result of my shot.

Those about the target had been prepared for a great sliot
from me ; their expectatioiis had received assurance from the
courtesy which had been expended to me ; and nothing had
liap])ened to disappoint them, but the single caution against
the " dry gripes," which was as likely to have been given in
irony as in earnest; for my agonies under the weight of tlie
soap-stick were either imperceptible to them, at the distance
of sixty yards, or being visible, were taken as the flourishes
of an expert, who wished to " astonish the natives." The
other party did not think the direction of my ball worth tho
trouble of a question ; or if they did, my airs and harangues
had put the thought to flight before it was delivered. Conse-
(juently, they were all transfixed \vith astonishment, when the
judges presented the target to them, and gravely observed:

"It's only second best, after all the fuss."

i)orl
I
evid(
port
true,
for m
whic
time
said

llO l)0?!t

i of llio
u order
served :
Bet 'em

b I'll bet

pr, for I

not i'eel

ot been

I live."

10 great

abblini,'.
vou do,
It's tlio
[rive i\n\

:, to tllO

:lic very

hard for
in the^ie

the boy

it, and a
ly party

3at fiiot
rem the
ng had
against
iven in
of the
iistance
lies
T!io
Irth tlio
rangucs
Conse-
len tlio
•ved:

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOKR.

"Second beat!" exclaimed I, witli uncontrollable tran.s-
ports.

The whole of my party rushed to the target, to have tlio
evidence of their senses, before they would believe the re-
port ; but most marvellous fortune decreed that it should bo
true. Tlieir incredulity and astonishment were most fortunato
for me, for they blinded my hearei's to the real feelings with
which the exclamation was uttered, and allowed me suHlcient;
time to prepare myself for making the best use of what 1 had
said before, with a very difl'erent object.

" Second best ! " reiterated I, with an air of despondency,
as the company turned from the target to me ; " second best,
only! Here, Billy, my son, take the old ^.^yup-stick ; she's a
good piece, but I'm getting too old and dim-sighted to shoot
a rifle ; especially with the drop sight and double wabbles."

"Why, darn my buttons!" said Billy, with a look that
baffles all description ; " ain't you driv the cross ! "

"Oh, driv the cross," rejoined I, carelessly. ""What's
that ? Just look where my ball is ! I do believe, in my soul,
its centre is a quarter of an inch from the cross. I wanted
to lay the centre of the bullet upon the cross, just as if you'd
put it there with your fingers."

Several received this palaver with a contemptuous, but
very appropriate, curl of the nose ; and Mealy Whitecotton
oftered to bet half-a-pint, "that I couldn't do the like agin,
with no sort of wabbles, he didn't ca 'e what."

But I had fortified myself on this quarter by my morality.
A decided majority however were clearly of opinion that I
was serious ; and they regarded me as one of the wonders of
the world. Billy increased the majority by noAV coming out
fully with my history, as he had received it from his father ;
to which I listened with quite as much astonishment as any
other one of his hearers. He begged me to go home with him
for the night, or, as he expressed it, " go home with him, and
swap lies that night, and it shouldn't cost me a cent ; " the
true reading of w^hich is, that if I would go home with him,
and give him the pleasure of an evening's chat about old
times, his house should be as free to me as my own. But I
could not accept his hospitality, without retracing five or six
miles of the road which I had already passed ; and therefore
I declined it.

" Well, if you won't go, what must I tell the old woman
for you? for she'll be mighty glad to hear from the boy that
won the silk handkerchief for her ; and I expect shell lick
me for not bringing you home with me."

THAITS OF AMEKICAN HUMOUR.

"Toll lior," said T, "that T soml licr a quMHor of Lrcf,
^\]li(•ll 1 won an I did tlio liandkcrcliit't', by iiolliing in tlio
world hnt nicro ;^ood Inck."

"Hold your jaw, Lyman," said V>\]]y ; "T ain't a c^wino in
tell the old woman any such licsj lor slic'a a rael, rey'iar
built ^rctli'dist."

Ah 1 turned to depart —

"Stop a iiiinuie, stran^^er," said one; tlien lowering; his
voice to a confidential, but strictly audible tone: " What an;
you ofl'erin^- for?" ecvutinued lie.

I assured him I was not a candidate for anything; — that I
had accidentally fallen in with Billy Curlew, who bcjj:,Li;ed mo
to come with liim to the slu^otiiig-uiatch ; and as it lay right
on my road, T had stop[!ed.

"Oh," said he, with a conciliatory nod, " if you're up for
anythinj^, you needn't bo niealy-moiithed about it, 'I'ore us
boys; for we'll all p;o in for you here, up to the handle."

"Yes," said Billy, " dani; old Ifoper, if we don't go our
deaths for you, no inatter who oilers. If ever you come out
for anything', Lyman, just let the boys of Upper Ilogthief'
hnow it, and they'll p;o for you, to the hilt, against creation,
tit or no tit, that's lalur.'"

I thanked him l<ind]y, but repeated my assurances.

The reader will not suppose that the district took its
name from the character of the inhabitants Jn almost every
county in the State, thei'e is some spot or district whicli bears
a contemptuous ap{)el!ation, usually derived from local rival-
ghi]), or from a single accidental circumstance.

per
wIk
whi

I)10>

all

ho s

XVII.

THE IIOrvSE SWAP.

During tlio session of the Superior Court, in the villapio

of , about three weeks ago, wlien a number of jieople were

collected in the pi'incipal stj-ecl of the villap;e, I observed a.
young man riding u]) and down the street, as I supposed, in
a violent passion, lie galloped this way, then that, and then
the other. Spurred his horse to one group of citizens, then
to another. Then dashed off at half speed, as if ileeing from
danger: and suddenly checkino; his horse, returned — iirst in
a pace, then \v a^trut, and then in a canter. AVhile he was

flesh

THAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

©r

ill Iho

wliio 1o
rcg'lar

'iiip; liis
1 1 at uri!

-that I
<j;c(.l int!
iiy right

c up (Vir
'I'oru us
Ic.

go our

onic out

lo<;-llii».'t'

creatiuu,

took its

st every

li l)oais

il riviil-

villnc;o
le w'vvc
irved a.
)sed, in
nd then
then
|ig from
llirst in
Ihe was

jiprforminf:; tlioso vprioua evoUit'ons, ho cursed, Mworo,
wlioopcil, sereamed, cind tossed himseU' in every nttitiKh)
\vhieli man could assume ou horsehaek. In sliort, he cuvorttd
most magnanimously (a term M'hich, in our tongue, expresscH
u!l that I have described, and a little more), and seemed to
1)0 setting all creation at deliance.

As J like to see all that is passing, T deiermined to tako
a position a little ne.irer to him, and to ascertain, if ))ossi!il</,
what it was that aii'eeted him so sensi!)ly. Accordingly I
approached a crowd before whidi ho iiad stoppe I for a mo-
ment, and examined it with tlio strictest scrutiny. J3ut ^
could Kco notliing in it that seemed to liavo anything to do
wiiii tiie cavorter. Every man appeared to be in good lui-
T;iour, and all minding their own business. Not one so much
j!s noticed the principal ligurc. Still he "went on. After ;i
semicolon pause, Avhich my appearance seemed to produce —
fir ho eyed mo closely as 1 ap[)roached — Ik; fetclied a whoo]>,
aiid swore that " he could out-swap any live man, woman, op
child, that ever walked these hills, or tliat ever straddled
horse-flesh since the days of old daddy Adam."

" Stranger," said he to me, " did you ever see *"thc Yalloio
Blossom from Jasper? "

" No," said I, " but I have often heard of him."

"I'm the boy," continued he; " perh.aps a Icctlr — -jist a
Icetle of the best man, at a horse sv/ap, that ever trod shoe-
leather."

I began to feel my situation a little awkward, when I was
relieved by a man somewhat advanced in years, wlio stepped
up and began to survey the " Tailow Blossom's " horse with
much apparent interest. This drew the rider',-t attention,
and he turned the conversation from mo to the stranger.

" "Well, my old 'coon," said he, " do you want to swap
Jwsses ? "

" V/hy, I don't know," replied the stranger ; " I believe I've
got a beast I'd trade with you for that one, if you like him.'
"AVell, fetch np your nag, my old cock; you're jist the
lark I wanted to get hold of. I am perhaps a IcctJe, jist a
leetle, of the best man at a horse swap, that ever stole crach-
iins out of his mammy's fat-gourd. AVhere's your hoss ? "

" I'll bring him presently ; but I want to exairine your
horse a little."

" Oh ! look at him," said the Elossom, alighting and hit-
ting him a cut, " look at him. He's the best piece of Tios^i
Hesh in the thirteen united universal worlds. There's no
bort o' mistake in little Bullet. He can pick up miles on his

T1JAIT8 OF AMKKICAN IIUMOUK.

foot and lliii;; 'cm bcliiml liim ns fiiHt um tho 7^cxt mnn's hoss,
1 don't care wlirrc he coimos from. And ho I'un keep it an
loni; HH the sim can hIiIik! witlioni rcHtin«:j."

J)urini,' lliis liaran'j:iie, liltU? Bnllei looked fiH if lie under-
Htood it all, l)clievcd it, and was ready at any moment to
verify it. JIo \\i\h a Jiorso of jjjoodly coiinte!iancp, ratlier cx-
prcHsive of vi;;ilance than firo; lliouj^h an unnatural appear-
ance of licr('cnc>;H was thrown into it, by the Iosh of his ears,
Avliich liad l)een ci'op[)cd ])rc<ty cIono to hin head. Nature*
had (h)no hut little for iJuiiel'.s liead and neck; ])ut he
Tnana«^^ed, in a ;j:reat measure, to hide tlieip defects, by bowiufi:
perpetually. Jle had obviously suHered severely for corn;
but if his ri1)s and hip bones liad not disclosed the fact, he
never would have; done it; for he was, in all respects, as
cheerful and hap|)y as if he commanded all the corn-cribs and
fodder-stacks in (Jeorujia. 11 is hcijjjht was about twelve hands ;
but as his shape ])artook somewhat of that of the ^iralVe, h\A
liaunches stood much lower. They were short, strait, peaked,
and concave, liidlet's tail however made ameiulH for all his
defects. All that the artist could do to beautify it, had been
done; and all that horse c(mld do to compliment the artist,
Bullet did. Ilis tail was nicked in superior style, and ex-
liibitcd the line of beauty in so many directions, that it could
not fail to hit tho most fastidious tasto in some of them.
IVom tho root it dropped into a graceful festoon ; then rose
in a handsome curve; then resumed its first direction; and
then mounted suddenly upwards like a cypress knee, to a
perpendicular of about two and a half inches. Tho whole had
a careless and bewitchin*]f inclination to the rii^ht.

Bullet obviously knew Avhere his beauty lay, and took all
occasions to display it to the best Jidvanta<;o. If a stick
cracked, or if any one moved suddenly about him, oi* couched,
or hawked, or 'pokc a little louder than common, up Avent
Bullet's tail like lightninj^ ; and if the ffoiin/ vp did not please,
the comintj down must of necessity, for it was as different from
the other movement as was its direction. The nrst Avas a bold
and rapid Hij^ht upward ; usually to an angle of forty-five de-
grees. In this position he kept his interesting ai)pendap;c,
until he satisfied himself that nothing in particular was to bo
done ; when he commenced dropping it by half-inches, in
second beats — then in triple time — then faster and shorter,
and faster and shorter still ; until it finally died away imper-
ceptibly into its natural position. If I might compare sight>5
to sounds, I should say its settUng was more like the note of
a locust than anything else in nature.

con
HUM
stil
hi.^

the

Mma

and

hunt

TRAITS OF AMKIilCAN irtLMOrR.

•p. . 1 *• <

oon.;,/;j;,ltir;;;::ri;^;f '!!:- "^ '•'^.-^,0,., ^„„. „'„.

"">-".;; (I,e» l,v- tl.c, .,,„„ I' "'"'»-lu.;n,l,lo l,„|,ii „,.",_

•-^"lart knoiVM tlio IiiHs V',,,, i "" «''" "Kim,;.:, ' ,,

•T™'JJ o.i i.i» b„,.|c. •^ ""' '""^ ''«<' J"«t foui.d l,i„,. iZ,
lip.''; ''"'l^iway ,vont':i{u|<?raril'V'' "»"'''•'•"« noi.o „f ,!,„

" ^;nv t..or,,triJ.-™"° '" I-™"/ '"-h a« 1,„ ,vont out
. -OuIIct roduced his UU +« .<

;';«t ..,„., ,,,t ,„•,,, ancitwb°tocf:;fj;:!.7 :;--■'"'" J *» t'.o

Bub eoniniejiced tivi'tfbmn. ti i. •„
same time. Tliese iiico hL Im "'" ■"■""« ""'I kickin- at t!„.

oiearn iron, ti.om wtS L f ' ''"^ i''M'o»»ible ,, ?, ;
ile started to trot-and ,, ;!.u'!,*'' l'™<^'-''-'J »■• stand st
tempted a canter-aud ,™f J°'1 ' '''" "-"""J"'' <lo. ilo , '
«as urged to go on 7!„ f '""''''■''' "ff"'"- Ho stonf i'
-poruSent, a,^d ^truelf "f a"";!; ^-^h^ into the „ 7/^'"^

uraed t e tables upon J i^^^t '. ."f rT'.''"'' -'''Pi''tcly
latent. It seemed to Ijivp ,?„„■ i " certauily deserved ■,
te minuet, and the coti Ton V-^ "» ^!<-''»ents^am X ,V '
>fp«ce in it; and no man Vonl I "! '"" " l*""'- *' <-'erl.,i fV'

*^va,tCT!."«■*-''-^«--7tl!:-t^"^^

Bullet was now nf l^/^^«

™ staked on him '"""' "^am ; and ho walked as if moner

J- lie stranger wlmc/x *

Ketch, havi„|:Ut^ Bun^t to1""r"'' '^''™<' -a, Peter
a^son ^eddy to go and bring u^^ I'ft ''T ^ ,^»"'^°'' »'•'•--
? ,'.'. " "■«lJ-lonned sorrel nVt}: -i* ,?'^''>' "^'"i a;.neared
»der His ^„„; e«.«,«irthrei li *'!'' "'d'He size, andin .ood
hongh a glance Mas sufficieuTI " "',-•""''•''1^ '» «'e shade
""" '"^ ''^■^■'"^" "''vantageThi^ CtXTelk^;?' ^""^ "^

loo

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUIl.

" Why man," said Blossom, " do you briiif^ such a hoss n^^
that to trade for Bullci; ? Oh, I see you're uo notion oi
trading."

" iiide him off, Neddy ! " said Peter.

Kit put up at a liandsome lope.

" Trot him back ! "

Kit catue in at a long, sweeping trot, and stopt suddenly at
the crowd.

" AVell," said Blossom, "let me look at him ; maybe he'll
do to plough."

'• Examine him ! " said Peter, taking hold of the bridle close
to the mouth. "He's nothing but a tacl y. He au't as preKii
a horse as Bullet, 1 know ; but he'll do. Start 'em together
for a hundred and lifty mile ; and if Kit an't twenty mile ahead
of him at tlie coining out, any man may take Kit for nothing.
J5ut he's a monstrous mean horse, gentlemen ; any man may
see that. He's the scariest horse, too, you ever saw. He won't
do to hunt on, no how. Stranger, Avill you let Neddy have
your rifle to shoot off him ? Lay the riile between his ears,
Neddy, and shoot at tlie blaze in that stump. Tell me when
his head is high enougli."

Ned fired, and hit the blaze : and Kit did not move a hair's
breadth.

" Nedd}', take a couple of sticks and beat on that hogshead
at Kit's tail."

Ned made a tremendous rattling; at which Bullet took
fright, broke his bridle and dashed off in grand style ; and would
have stopt all further negociations, by going home in disgust,
had not a traveller arrested him and brought him back : but
Kit did not move.

" I tell you, gentlemen," continued Peter, " he's the scariest
liorse you ever saw. He an't as gentle as Bullet ; but he
won't do any harm if you watch him. Shall I put him in a caic,
gig, or wagon for you, stranger ? He'll cut the same capers
there he does here. He's a monstrous mean horse."

During all this time. Blossom was examining him with the
nicest scrutiny. Having examined his frame and limbs, he
now looked at his eyes.

" He's got a curious look out of his eyes," said Blossom.

"Oh yes. Sir," said Peter, "just as blind as a bat. Blind
horses always have clear eyes. Make a motion at his eyes, if
you please. Sir."

Blosscm did so, and Kit threw up his head rather as if
eomething pricked him under the chin, than as if fearing a

pass.

give

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HU.MOUR.

lOi

)S3 a-^

nly at

D he'll

e close

getbcr
5 ahead
3th ing-.
u may
; won't
y have
.3 ears,
e when

a hair's

)gshead

it took

would

lisgust,

|k: but

scariest
[but he
a eai c,
capers

lith the
ibs, he

3om.
Blind

jyes, if

kiiig a

blow. Blossom repeated the experiment, and Kit jirked back
with considerable ustonishment.

" iStone blind, you see, gentlemen," proceeded Peter; " but

he's just as good to travel ot'a dp.rk night as if he liad eyes."

'' Blame my buttons," said iiiossom, " if I iike them eyes."

*' No," said Peter, " nor I eitliiM'. I'd rather iiave 'em

niado of diamonds; but they'll do, ii'they done ahow as much

white as Bullet's."

" Well," said Blossom, " make a pass at me."
" No," said Peter ; " you made the banter, now make your
pass."

" Well, I'm never afraid to price my bosses. You must
give me twenty-five dollars boot."

'• Oh certainly ; say lifty, and my saddle and bridle in.
Here, Neddy, my son, take away daddy's horse."

" Well," said Blossom, " I've made my pass, now you make
vours."

" I'm for short talk in a horse swap ; and therefore always
tell a gentleman, at once, what I mean to do. You must give
me ten dollars."

Blossom swore absolutely, roundly, and profanely, that lu
never would give boot.

"Well," said Peter, " T didn't caro about trading; but you
cut such high shines that I thought I'd like to ba!*k you out ;
and I've done it. Gentlemen, you see I've brought him to a
hack."

" Come, old man," said Blossom, " I've been joking with
you. I begin to think you do want to trade ; therefore give
nie five dollars and take Bullet. I'd rather lose ten dollars any
time, and not make a trade ; though I hate to fling away a
!';ood boss."

" AYell," said Peter, " I'll be as clever as you are. Just
]mt the five dollars on Bullet'3 back and hand him over, it's a
trade."

Blossom swore again, as roundly as before, that he would
not give boot ; and, said he,

"Bullet wouldn't hold live dollars on his back nohow. But
as I bantered you, if you say an even swap, here's at you."

"I told you," said Peter, "I'd be as clever as you; there-
fore here goes two dollars more, just for trade sake. Give mo
three dollars, and it's a bargain."

Blossom repeated his former assertion ; and here the parties
stood for a long time, and the by-s Landers (for many were now
collected) began to taunt both parties. After some time, how-

102

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

over, it was pretty unanimously decided that tlie old man bad
backed lilossom out.

At len^i^tli Blo.ssom swore ho " never would be backed out
lor three dollars after bantering a man ; " aud accordingly they
closed the trade.

"Now," said Blossom, as he handed Peter the three dollars,
" I'm a man, that wlien ho makes a bad trade, makes the most
of it until he can make a better. I'm for no rues and after-
claps."

" That's just my way," said Peter ; " I never goes to law to
mend my bargains."

" Ah, you're the kind of boy I love to trade with. Here's
your boss, old man. Take the saddle and bridle off him, and
I'll strip yours; but lift up the blanket easy from Bullet's
back, for he's a miglity tender-backed boss."

The old man removed the saddle, but theblanket stuck fast,
lEo attempted to rai.-^e it, and Bullet bowed himself, switched
his tail, danced a little, and gave signs of biting.

" Don't hurt him, old man," said Blossom archly ; " take it
olT easy. I am, perhaps, a leetle of the best man at a horse-
swap that ever catched a 'coon."

Peter continued to pull at the blanket more and more
roughly ; and Bullet became more and more cavort ish : in so
uuicli, that when the blanket came off, he had reached the /j/e/i;-
iiig point in good calmest.

The removal of the blanket disclosed a sore on Bullet's
back-bone that seemed to have defied all medical skill. It
measured six full inches in length, and four in breadth ; and
had as many features as l^ullet had motions. My heart sicken-
ed at the sight ; and I felt that the brute who had been riding
him in that situation deserved the halter.

The prevailing feeling however was that of mirth. The
laugh became loud and general, at the old man's expense ; and
rustic witticisms were liberally bestowed upon him and his late
2)urchase. These, Blossom continued to provoke by various re-
marks. He asked the old man, " if he thought 13ullet would
lee live dollars lie on his back." He declared most seriously,
that he had owned that horse three months, and had never dis-
<,'overed before that he had a sore back, " or he never should
have thought of trading him," &c. &e.

The old man bore it all with the most i)hilosophic composure.
He evinced no astonishment at his late discovery, and made no
replies. But his son, Neddy, had not disciplined his feelings
t[uite so well. His eyes opened wider and wider, from the first
10 the last pull of the blanket ; aud when the whole sore burst

iic
aiu

IV)!

cou
wil

tcrcl

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

103

n bad

h1 out
f they

ollars,

! most
at'ter-

law to

Here's
m, and
Juliet's

ck fast,
vitched

take it
I liorse-

d more
i : ill so
le kiclc-

lullet'a

II. It

Ih ; and

Isieken-

riding

The
|e; and

lis late
lous re-
would
[iously,
j-er dis-
Ishould

)osure.

lade no

}elinp;3

lie lirst

burst

upon his view, astonishment and fright seemed to contend for
tiie mastery of his countenance. As the blanket disii[)penred
he stuck his hands in his breeches pockets, heaved a deep sigh,
and lapsed into a profound reverie ; from which he was only
I'oiised by the cuts at his father. He bore them as long as ho
could; and when he could contain himself no longer, he began,
with a certain wildness of expression, which gave a peculiar in-
terest to what he uttered :

" His back's mighty bad off, but dod drot my soul if he's
put it to daddy as bad as he thiuks he has, for old Kit's both
blind and dcef, I'll be dod drot if he eint."

" The devil he is," said ]]lossom.

'• Yes, dod drot my soul if he einf. You walk him and see
if he eint. His eyes don't look liice it; but lie jist n\- live go
cKjiu the house with you, or in a ditch, as anyhow. iS'ow you
go try him."

Tile laugh was now turned on Blossom ; and many rushed
to test the lidelity of the little boy's report. A few experiments
established its truth, beyond controversy.

"i^eddy," said the old man, " you oughtn't to try and make
people discontented with their things. JStrangcr, don't mind
what the little boy says. If you can only get Kit rid of theni
little failings, you'll find him all sorts of a horse. You are a
icfille the best man, at a horse swap, that ever I got hold of;
but don't fool away Kit. Come, Neddy, my son, let's be mov-
ing ; the stranger seems to be getting snappish."

XYIII.

THREE CHANCES FOR A WIFE.

"When a man has three chances for a wife, it is, indeed, a
hard mischance if he should fail. The following is one of
tliose cases which might have occurred down cast, but 1 am
rather doubtful if a similar event was ever known in any
other part of the world. But let mo give the experience of a
gentleman, who had three chances, in his own language :

"I once courted a gal by the name of Deb Hawkins. I
made it up to get married. AVell, while we were going up to
the deacon's, I stepped my foot into a mud puddle, and spat-
tered the mud all over Deb llawkins' new gown, made out of
her grandmother's old chintz petticoat. "Well when we got

lOJi

TKAITS OF AMElilCAN IIL'MOUU.

to the den(^on's, ho r. Iced Deb if she would take mo for her
liiwfiil Aveddod liusbaiid ?

" ' Xo,' sa^'H she, ' I Khnn't do no f^iich thing.'
" ' Wliat on airth is the reason? ' sayn I.
" ' AV'liy,' HavH slie, ' I've taken a mislildn' to you.'
" Well, it was all up Avitli me then, but I give her a string
of bead.s, a lew kisses, nonie other notions, and made it all uj)
■with her; so we went up to the deacon's a second time. I
was determined to come up to her this time, so when the
deacon asked me if I would take her for my lawfully wedded
wii'e, says I,

" ' Ts'o, I shan't do no such thing.'
" ' Why,' savs l)eb, ' what on airth is the matter ? '
*" AVliy,' says I, ' I have taken a mislikin' to you now.'
" Well there it was all u]) again, but I gave her a new
apron, and a lew other little trinkets, and v»'C went up again
to get married. AVe expected then we would be tied so last
that all nature couldn't separate us, and when we asked the
deacon if he wouldn't marry us he said,
'' ' Xo, I shan't dew any such thing.'
" AVhy, wliat on airth is the reason? ' says we.
" ' AVhy,' says he, * I've taken a mislikin' to both on you.'
" Deb burst out crjnn', the deacon burst out scoldin', and
I burst out laughin', and sich a set of reg'lar busters you
never did see."

you

men

babl

Stan

tea-j

ilOW

blazi

XIX.

TIIi; YANKEE AMOXGST THE MERMAIDS.
A YAIIX, BY A CAPE CODDER.

Do I b'lcve in the sea-sarpint ? You might as well ax mo
if I b'leved in the compass, or thought the log could lie, I've
never seed the critter myself, cos I haint cruised in thcai
waters as he locates himself in, not since I started on my
lirst voyage in the ' Contidence ' whaler, Captain Coifing ;
but I recking I've got a brother as hails from X'ahant, that,
sees him liandsomc every year, and knows the latitude and
longitude of the beast, just as well as I knows the length o'
the futtock shrouds o' the foretops.

Did ^ou ever see a marmaid? "Waell, then, I reckoii

sea

i'or her

I sir in pi;
u all up
me. I
len tlio
wedded

low.

a new
) aj;aiii

so last
;ed the

m YOU.
lin', and
srs you

1 ax nio

I've
tlicni
on my
olfinp,' ;
it, thai-,
de and
igth o'

reclvon

TKAITS OF A]^1ERICAX HUMOUR.

105

you'd best shut up, cos /have, and many on 'cm ; and mar-
men too, and marminsei! and marmasters, of all sizes, from
babbies not bi,i?p;er nor maekrels to regular six-l'eeters, with
starns like a full-grow'd porpus. I've been at a marmaid's
tea-party, and after larnin' the poor ignorant fcaly critters
liow to splice the maiu-brace, 1 left the hull bilin' on 'em
blazin' drunk.

You see, when our craft war, cruisin' up the Arches, wo
cast anchor one mornin' in pretty deep water, just abrest of
a small green island as wasn't down in the chart, and hadn't
got no name, nyther. But our capting know'd what he was
artcr, abeout as right as ninepen-e, cos a small skewner camo
alongside pretty sune, freighted with brandy and wine for
the olilcers, what they'd ordered for their ow*ii private stores.
"VVaell, the slings was run ii]) to the end o' the main-yard,
and the waisters were busy hoist in' up the barrils, when a
cask o' brandy slipped fi'om the slings as it was being canted
round, and dropt right splash into the sea, sinkin' right
away. Upon 'zaminationiug the manifest, it proved to be the
best cask o' brandy in the skewner, imported from Boardo
direct for the capting himself.

" You ctarnal lazy suckers," said he ; " look here ! tako
all the boats' anchors, lash 'em together in tews so as to ibrni
grapnels o' four pints each, and drag all about here for that
ar' brandy — and mind you find it, or I'll ]nit every mother's
.son of you on short allowance o' rye for the next month."

AVaell, the boats was ordered out, and a gropin' we went.
I was placed in the jolly, with 8y Davis and rete Slinks, and
a middy to direct. The middy was a pretty considerable
t^jmart fellow, and jest as we v.as puttin' otf, he nodded up to
the chaplin as was leanin' over the side, and says,

" AVliat say you to an hour's float upon this here glassy
sea?"

The parson was down by the main ropes in a minit, and
oiTwe sot a 11 shin' for the brandy tub.

The current run pretty slick by the side o' the little
i^Jand, and the seond luff, who v.as in the cutter, ordered us
to go a-licad and watch along the shore jest to see if the tub
warn't rolled up there by the tide. AVe pretended to look
right hard for the tub, till Ave made the lee o' tlie island, and
then if we didn't resolve to take it easy and run the noose o'
the jolly into the yallcr sand o' the shore, there ain't no
fsuakes. I held on in the starn by the grapnel, and the par-
son pulled out of his pocket a good-sized sample bottle o' the
new stuit as he'd jest bought, and wanted the middy to taste

103

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

— and artor passin' their ideas on the lickcr, the cLnplin p^avo
UH moil a prolty Hlilf horn a ])iec'C, now I tell you — and lir«t-
rate it was, I swow. It iled the parson's ton<;ue like all out
doors — it took him to talk — all aheout the old orijj;inal anteck
names o' the islands that laid in spots all about thar' — classic
ground, as he called it, and a pretty yarn he did spin tew.

'Ilu'U the middy, who'd been keei)in' dark and layiii' low
all this time, show'd his brou^htens-ui), and let ilv a hull
broadside at the parson about them ar' syringes and other
fabblus wimming.

AVaell, you see, all this hero talk made us dry as ihunder ;
HO the chaplin said he gues.^ed the sun was over the lore-yard,
and baled us out another horn o' licker all round. Then he
took a "spell ho!" at the jawin' tackle, and allowed there
was a river in .larminy, where all our Dutch imegrants hails
IVom, and that a naked gall used to locate herself in a whlrl-
])ool, and come up on moonshiney nights and sing a hull
bookl'iil o' songs, as turned the heads o' all the young fellers
in them parts. A\ aell, reports ruz uj) as she'd a hull cargo o'
gold stowed away at the bottom o' the Avliirlpool, and many
a wild young Jarman, seduced by the grdl's singin' and hopc^j
o' gold, le])t into the river, and warn't heerd on never artcr.
These matters hurt the yoimg gall's kariter, and the old folks,
who'd always allowed that she was a kind of goddess, began
to think that she warn't the clear grit, and the young fellers
said her singin' Avas no great shakes, and that her beauty
warn't the thing it was cracked up to be.

There was a famous general, who wasn't raised in that
flection o' the country, but had swapped a castle on a moun-
tain in Spain lor one o' them ar' water lots near the v.hirl-
pool ; he began to find himself raytlier short o' cash to buy
his groceries, and coiu'luding that he couldn't dew without a
leetle whiskey lo Jvcep otf the aguy, resolved to pay the Avhirl-
pool gall a visit, and jest see if he couldn't soft soap the
young critter out of a leetle rhino. Kext full moon, he
forties to the bluif what hung over the bilin' and foamin'
river, and jest at eight bells, up ruz the gall, stark naked, a
sittin' on the white froth o' the whirlin' water, and singin',
" Wont you come to my bower what I've shaded for you ? "

" "Waell," says the gineral, not a bit daunted — says he,
" look here, my gall : I mean to eat a lobster salad with you
to-night, if you promise ^ to behave like a lady, and won't cut
up lu) shines."

AVaell, the gall give her word o' honour, and the gineral
dove into the whirlpool, and down they went right slick.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

lo:

(I iirst-
all out

antcek
-classic
tow.
•in' low

a hull
1 other

unifier ;
rc-yard,
'hen he
d there
ts hails
a ^Yhirl-
; a hull
; fellers
cargo o'
d inauy
id hopes
M' artcr.
Id Ibllv!^,
s, be<;aTi
fellers
beauty

riiicral

Next moriiiii', tho pjincral was found to hum with a
sic^hter old gold pieces, bi<::u;er round than tho to]) of a
backer-box, and a hull pot full of tho tallest kind of jewels ;
you sec, the sojer had carried a small flask of Monono;ahely
in his pocket, and tho river pjall couldn't <;it over the old rye
— tew p,-lasses opened licr heart, I jjjuess, and she let tho
jijineral ulip his cable in the mornin' with just abeout as much
gold as he could stow away.

(Some o' his friends kalkilated as he'd bettor drop his
anchor thar' aj^in — and there was some talk in the settle-
ment of formin' a jynt-stock company for the purpose o' p;et-
tln' up all the ,cjold — but tho i^ineral tcU'd 'em ho guessed
he'd got enough for him, and he seed ciiiite enough down
ihar' not to want to go no more ; and refusiu' to say what ho
had seen, or tell 'cm how they was to go to work, it kinder
stopped the jynt-stock compaiiy.

The river gall she fell quite in love with tho gineral right
up to tho hub, and sot on the bilin' ^vater night arter night,
singin', " Meet me by moonlight alone ; " but the gineral said
lie'd sec her drowned first al'ore he trust her agin — for, says
lie, " No woman was never deceived twyst," ■which riled tho
river gall like mad, and in revenge she sot the whirlpool a
Ijilin' like all creation, as if resolved to keep the nciglibour-
liood in hot water. I'rom the sarcumstance of the gineral's
gettin' so much: gold out o' the river, the Jarmins called it
the Ehino, and its been known by somethin' like that name
ever since.

"When the chaplain had expended his yarn, he sarved out
another allowance o' licker. I recking that he was the raal
grit for a parson — always doin' as he'd be done by, and prac-
tisin' a darned sight more than he preached. " Taint Chris-
tian-like," says he, "to drink by one's self, and a rnal tar
never objects to share his grog with a shipmate." Them's
j^in-a-wine Bunker Hill sentiments, and kinder touch tho
bottom of a sailor's heart !

The middy then uncoiled another length o' cable abeout
the fabbelus wimming o' the sea, and said it were a tarnation
pretty idea, that them angels from hewing as ruled the airth
should keep watch over the treasures o' the water. Then ho
tolled a yarn consarnin' the ca])ting of a marchantmnn as was
trading in the South Seas, layin' at anchor, becalmed, one
Sunday mornin' abeout five bells, when a strange hail was
heard from under the bows o' the craft, and the hands on
deck as answered the hail seed somebody in the Avater with
jest his head and arms stickin' out, and holdin' on to the

103

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

dolphin nr strilccr. Wacll, T piicas they pretty Roon tlirow'd him
a r()])e and hauled him abd.ird, nnd then they Heed ho wan :i
regular huilt mannan, one hall' kinder ni<;ij;er, and t'otlier
half kinder fish, but altoGjether more kinder iish than kinder
in<(^er. Ho, an I was tell in' you, they p;ot him aboard, and ho
made an en([uerry artcr the eaptinjij, who como out o' bin ea!)-
in^f, and the mannan made him a linsl-ratc daneiu'-akeul bow,
and says in f;inne\vinc JCn^j^lish :

" Capting, I sorter rei'kinj^ it ain't entered into your kal-
kilalion as this hero is Sabber-day, for you've dropped yonr
tarnal bipj anehor ri<j;ht in front o' our mectiu'-hoiiso door,
and our I'olkH ean't <:,^o to prayers."

Waell, the captinfi; was rayther taken abaek, and the calm,
you see, overlayin' him in that thar' hot latitude, had sot his
back up above a bit ; and besides that, he felt consideral)le
tttrceked at bein' roused out o' his mornin's nap for nothin' ;
so, altogether he felt sorter Avollish, and lookin' at tlic
etraininrcr darned savaujerous, says,

" AV'ho in creation are i/ou ? "

Tliis hero speech put the marman's^ dander up, for he say.^
right sassy,

" 1 guess I'm appintcd deacon over all the marmans and
marmaids in these here parts, and 1*11 jest trouble you to
treat me with the rcsi)ect duo tew a strannger and a gentle-
man."

AVaell, I recking the capting's ebcneser ims roused, for lie
seized hold of a harpoon that was layin' on the fowksell, and
hollered to the marman :

" You fishy vaggybund, make tracks out o' my ship, you
paminony-lailed son of a sea-cook, or I'll drive the gi'ains siicli
through your scaly carkiss, I will."

Waell, the critter seein' as the capting meant dannger,
made but one flop with his tail, and skeeted over the side o'
the ship into the water. The capting did not weigh anchoi',
nor nothin', only during the night the cable was cut by tho
marmcn, and the shij) drifted on tew a korril reef, and rub-
bed a tarnal big hole in her plankin'.

" That's a good yarn," said the parson, " and I b'leve it':^
true as gospel. Nothin's impossible in natur', and the hull
o' these strange fixins as we hear tell on, is nothin' more than
links in the almighty great chain cable of universal natur'.
Eats is the link o' betweenity as connects the naturs o' fowls

Ideals

and alligator-!

o' the air and tho beasts o' the field

links the naturs o' beasts and fishes. Babboons and apes

links beasts v/ith humans ; and why should not marmaids bo

had

(•apt

sion

broa

ctcr:

v/as

ptavi

long

TRAITS OP AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ion

)\v'd him
lu Avas a

L t'otluT

I kinder
I, and ho

hin ca')-
:eul bow,

our kal-
)cd voiir
ISO door,

Iho calm,
d Bot his
sidcral)le
nothin' ;
' at thu

ir lie sava

nans and
e you to
a genllc-

k1, for he

:sell, and

Isdiip, YOU
lainti siie!:

danngcr,
le side o'
anclior,

it by tho
land rub-

'leve it':^,
the hull
ore than
natur'.

o' fowls
Hi gators

nd apes

laids

ilio linlca between humnns and tho fislies o' tho Pca? Hut
tliore'a tho signal for tlio boat's return; here's jest a litthi
horn a piece in tho bottle — lot's licker one more round, and
tlicn abs(juatlle."

AV'c pull(;d quietly baek to tho ship. The barrel of brandy
had not been Jbund, and I wish I may bo Hiiiggered it' tho
capting did not l!y into the biggest kind o' (luarier-des'k pa---
sion I ever did see. 11 o stormed groat gnns and iired hull
broadsides at the boats' crews, swearin' that they sliould keep
on dredgin' till the tub was found, if it was tlie day arter
eternity. So, you see, tho har.d.-j was piped to dinner, but I
v,as ordered tew keep in tho boats and take earo they didn't
f<tave each other.

AVaell, I laid down in tho cnpting's gig, and what with tho
parson's licker, and the talk abeout marmaids, and syringes,
and water-galls, and one thing and t'other, a very ju'etty mus;i
began mixin' in my brain pan. So, as I vras layin' eoniibrt-
ubly moored in the starn sheets, with my head a leetlo over
tho boat's quarter, I thought it highly unwrong that tlm
brandy tub hadn't been fotchecl up, and that tlie men usin*
the grapnels must have shirked as we did, cos, if they'd
Farched as they oughter, they must; have seed tho barrel, for
the water was so petickler clear that you could dissarn tho
crabs crawlin' over the korril rocl:s at ihe bottom o' twenty
falliom.

Waell, while I was lookin' into the ocean to see if I conkl
light upon the barrell, a leetle o' tl;e largest fish I ever did
Kce come and swum right close to the bottom of tlie sea, jest
under the boats. Then it kept risin' and risin', til I seed ita
long fins were shaped like men's arms ; and when it como
near the sarlis, it turned on its bacli, and then I seed a hu-
man face! I know'd at once that it vrr.s a niarmaid, or a
marman, or one o' them amfibberus critters called fabbelun
rvringes, as the chaplain had been epinnin' his yarns abeout.
to, the critter popt its head up jest above the water, whicli
was smooth as glass, and a little smoother tev»' by a darned
eight, and iest as clear and jest as shiny, and says he to me:

*' Look here, strannger, you and your shipmates aint doin'
the genteel thing to me nohow you can fix it, for they're
playing old hub with my garding grounds and oyster beds by
seratchin' and rakin' 'em all over with them ar' darned an-
chors and grapnel fixin.-^^ in a manner that's harrow in' to my
ieelins. If the capting wants his tlmndernation licker tul),
let him just send eeny decent Christian down with me, and
I'll giu it him."

110

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"VVacll, I'm not poiii' to yt\y that I didn't fcol kinder
skcercd, but t'.io chiiplaiirK. yurjiH had riil)1>ed llio roiiL^di od^i.
oil', and llic iiolioii o' liiidin' Iho captiiii^'s cask ])k'as(Ml me
mii^htily, com I kiiowcd it ■would lifklo tho old man liko all
creation, and sartiiiLifly Rct mo three or four liberty davH for
filioro fj^oiii' uhen avc returned to Tort Mahon. 80, as 1 Iindn't
on nolliin' ])('lilvler as would Hpile, oidy a blue cottlne; sliiri
and Hail-cloth pantys, and ilie weather bein' most uncoinincMi
Avann, I jest lold the mannan I was ready, and tortled (juieily
over the boat's side into tlio blue transj)arent sea.

Tho mannan ^n'ap[)led mo by the iisi, and we soon touclicd
bottom, now J. tell ye. I found as I could walk easy enough,
only the water swaved me aheout iest as if I war a leetlo
ti^ht, but I didn't seem to suller nothin' from want o' breath,
iiyther.

AVo soon reached whar' tlic brandy cask v/as lyin' ri^qlit
under the ship's keel, which accounts for its not bein' seen
nor notliin' by Ihe boats' crews. I felt so everlastingly
comical abeout lindin' tho tub, that I told the half-bred
dolphinijj fellow that pinted it out, ihat if I knowed how to
tap it, 1 wish I mi<;ht die if I wouldn't give him a gallon 0'
the stutf as a Balva<;c fee.

" AVhat's in it ? " savs the raarman.

"AVhy, licker," says*!.

"AV'aell," says the marman, "so I hcord them scrapin'
fellers in the boats say ; but I ji;uess I've licker enou«;h to
last my time, tho' 1 recking your licker is something strongc!"
than salt water, seein' that its hooped up in that almighty
way."

" Why, you lubber," says I, " it's brandy — the raal ginnc-
wiue conevhack."

" And what's Ihat ? " says the marman.

" Why, dew tell — w^ant to know ? " says I ; " have you
lived to your time o' life withoiit tnstin' spirretus licker?
Waell, I swow, you oughter bo the connnodore of all them
cold water clubs, and perpetual president of all temj^'ranco
teetotallers. Go ahead, nuitey ; pilot the way to your shanty,
and I'll roll the barrel arlcr you. I'll sunc give you a drink
o' licker that will jest take the shirt-tail olf eeny thing you
over did taste, now I tell you."

Waell, the critter flopped ahead, for you see its the natur'
o' the marmen, secin' as they've no legs, only a fish's tail
what's bent under them, jest like the lower part 0' the letter
J, to make way by iloppin' their starns up and down, and pad-
dlin' with their hands — somethin' between a swim and a

TKAITS OP AMKUTCAN nUMOITv.

Ill

-(mI lllC
iUo ill!
iiys ior

o- silin

qiiieily

OlU'llCfl
illOli;;]l,

I lectio
brealli,

i' rig] it
in' seen
istin^iv
[il}-brc"l
liow to
illou o'

icrapiii

illU'll to

rouL^o!'
Iinighly

giiinc-

,'C vou

i civ or ?
tliciii
ran CO

liaiily,
drink

lo- vou

natnr'
[s tail
letter
(i pad-
ID d a

Mvn2:G;ei'— l>nt tlic way thoy Rct throupfh ll»o \vater is a cau-
lioii. I rolled Iho lul) aioniij over tiio nmooth white; shiny
^;.^lld, and the erahn ami lobsters skeeled oil" ri;^'ht ami left
titles out o' my way rejjjular sUeered, ami bit,' lishes of all
ahiipcs ami niakcH, with bristlin' lins, swum close aloii^'siilo"
iiic, and looked at mo quite awful with their small ^ooseixrry
ayvi, as much as to say, " What the natii>n arc you at ? "

Jivmeby tho marman broui;ht uj) in front of rayther a
larijeish cavo or {grotto of rock and shell work, kivered Avitli
korril and sea-weed. So, you see, tho tub was ])ut ri^'ht on
ceiid in one coi'ner ; I made an emiuirry o' the marman if ho
luul a «2;iml)let, and he said ho b'leved there was such a thiuj;
in the hold or cellar; he'd found a carpenter's tool-chest in a
wreck a l'e\v miles to tho casterd, and ho fotched away six or
{-cvimi of tho leetlo lixins, thiidun' thev mi<dit bo nseful to
hum — so, he opened the back door and hailed a young mar-
man to brini,' him tho gimblct.

Seein' as ihero was no benches nor nothin' to sit down on,
which marmen and marmaids don't desire, cos they've no
sittin' })arts to their bodies, which is all ilsh from their waist-
bauds, 1 jest sot on the top o' tho brandy tub, and took an
observation of tho critter bcibro me. His face was reglar
human, only it looked rayther tawney and llahljy like a bilcd
:iii!j:ger, with iishy eyes, and a mouth like a huge tom cod.
His hp.ir hnng stret down his shoulders, and was coarse and
lliick, like untwisted rattlin' ; his hands Averc somelhin' lila^
a £;oose's paw, only the fingers were longer and thicker ; and
his body was not exactly like an Injin's nor a nigger's, nor a
white man's — nor wa^; it yaller, nor blue, nor green — but a
f-ortcr altogetlicr kinder mixed up colour, lookin' as if it were
Avarranted to stand the weather. Jest abeout midships, his
body was tucked into a lisli's belly, w itli huge green scales
light down to the tail.

AVhilst I was survcyin' the marman fore and r.ft, the back
door opened, and a she critter flopped in, with a young mar-
man at the breast. The Icetle sucker was not bigger than a
pickerel, with a tail of a delicate sammon colour, and a head
;'.nd body jest like one o' them small tan monkeys, with a face
as large as a dollar. The marm.fin introduced the she critter
as his wife, and we .soon got into a coil of talk right slick, all
abeout -Jhe weather, and the heare and trouble o' a young
i'amily — and 1 wish I may be swamped if the marmaid
warn't a dreadful nice critter to chatter. Like all winnning
folk, she was ])laguey kewrous as to whar' I wa.s raised and
I'ii^^ed — and w lien 1 taid I gueas I hailed from Cape Cod, and

112

THAITS OF A^rrRTCAN TITTMOUR.

Jill iilon*]; fJioro tlmr', bIio lookfMl at tlio inarr.inn, niul rniil
to inc,

'• Vv'jicll, T lU'vcr — ("ape Cod! wliy, Rlrann^er, 1 guess
tliun* imiHi 1)0 Homo liiinil y in our broods."

Wacll, you SCO, 1 /;row raythoi* kcw rous tow, and wanted
to lo^jj lli<> |)oli!<lors o' tho nalofal liistory o' tlio nico o' mar-
luvii -so I made a few oii(|U(M'i'ios ro-^poclin' Ihoii* ways o' life.

" I jjiuoss," t<ayM l,*'y(>u'vo a tarnal i^ood lish i:i:'rkct in
t}i(5H0 lioro paris, and koop youi* tahlo woll sui)i)licd with lial-
libut and Koa-l)a'<H, an<l blacdv-lisli, oli ? "

" Why, »trann'.^oi'," says iiio ninnnan, raythor wratliy,
"sc'oin' its you 1 won't ho oUbndcd, op, liy hovvin;^, if lli;;!.
Hpoooh ain't onougli to niako a niannan fo(d soaly, w!iy llicii
\i ain't no niaUor. W^o claim to bo ludf fish in our natur',
and J ro(dvon you don't kali-iiialo wo «>-obbh'.s our rolations?
Ilioro's nvii varmint onou';"]i in all conscionoo, sitoli n» oystors,
and olaniM, and tpiaho;;s, and musolow, and crabn, and lohstov;..
\V^5 ^o tho hull shoat with thorn ; and thou wo cultivator k:iil
VA\d olhor Moa truck in our i;ardinii;s, and somotimoM wo tnviins
under tho wild fowl as tlioy'ro tloatin', and jerks down a lino
duck or a i;ull, or gathers their eygs oil' tho rocks, or tho
barjiaclos oif drift wood."

Jest then, tho marman'a eldest son-fish fetched in thn
/;imblot, and brou'ijht up the marman's Jawin' tacks with a
round turn. The younij; un was about the si/.o ol' an Injiii
boy jest aforo ho runs alone — half papoose, half porpus. Ho
p;ot a leelle skeered when ho clapt eyes on me, but I gavo
liim a stale (piid o' backer to amuso himself, and tho su«,';;.'
])lum made tho marmaster roll his eyes above t hit, uow 1
tell you.

Waell, I bored a hole in tlie brandy tub, and pickin' up
an empty clam-shell, handed a drink to the lady, and told lii'i"
to toto it down. {She swaller'd it ])rotty slick, and tho way
sho ftulped afterwards, and stared, and twisted her iishy
mouth, Avas a sin to Davy Crockett. Tho marman looked
raythor wolfy at me, as if I'd gin her ])iso7i ; so I drawed a,
shell-full and swallerod it myself. This kinder cooled him
down, and when the marmaid got her tongue tackle in runnin'
order agin, she said she guessed tho licker was the juice ol:'
hewing, and she'd be darned if she wouldn't have another
drink right olf tho reel.

Secin' this, the marman swallerod his dose, and no sooner
got it down than he squealed right out, and clapped lii^
webby hands together, and wagged his tail like all creation.
lie swore it was elegant stulf, and he felt it tickle powerful

TRAITS or AMi:illCAN' IIUMOUU.

113

1(1 ip.iil
L piicss

()' in;vr-
\ o' litb.
rlict in
ilh liul-

wr»atliv,
, if tliiit
;\\y lliou
' mtur',
'liilionsV
oystcvs,
lo'listtM';..
■tiicn h\'\\

wn a iino
:«, or ilio

pd in tlio

m ^vit]l a

an Injiu

HIS. iio

lit I s*^^"
ho HU^';-.;;
it, now I

iclvin' lip
told li^'-
tlio Nvay
i\cv fisliy
I), looked
Idrawcd a
loled him
\\ runnin'_

juice ol.

"anotlif!^'

Lo soonci*
ippcd lii^
1 creation.
lpo^Ycr^ui

from llio top of ]\\h head in tlio cond of Ins slnrii-fiii. Artir
lakin' two or tlireo liornn tctiM'tlicM', tho hoiimv cried tor a
.Irink, and 1 ^'iii liiiu one that .si'iit him \vriL,".!;Iiii' on the nanil
like Jin eel in an uneasiness. So th(» nianiian said as the
licker was raal ilrst-rate, and first-rater than tliat tew, ho
•guessed lu'M ask in his next-door nei|;ld)our and his lady, jest
to tasto the j^odscnd. Waell, in a minm't, in eoines a hn<j;o
iiiarman of tin* most almiL,dily ni/e, lookinu; jest likt^ IJIaek
Hawk wlien he was bilious ; ho fotched uj) his huly with hiuj,
and his eldest Hon, a si'ra'4'j;y hobhadehoy marman, and his
<l;ir(ers, two youn'j; marmaids or inarmisscs, jest <j^oin' out o'
tiieir teens, who tlanjied their ynller-skiinied paws over their
punkinj^-eoloured eliops, pretendin' to be almii^hty nkeered at
eomin' afore a Htrann<;e nu\n in a ntate o' luitur' — but they
f()ru;ot all abeout that thar' Avhen the licker uas handed to
them.

Artcr talcin' a few Bmallers, tho fresh marman said ho
puessed tho clam-shell was altoi;;ether tew leetlo to j^et a
proper amount of licker whereby a feller could jiidi^e correctly
of the raal taste o' the stull' — so ho went to his berth in tho
next cave, and fotched a largo blue and siher ishell that held
abeout a pint.

The news o' the hrandy-tub ppred pretty slieh, for in lialf
nn hour, I'd tho hull ^rist o' the marmeu belonu;in' to that
Pcttlement cooped up in tho cavern. Sitch a noisy swillin' set
o' wet souls I never did see; the drunk ccmi' on em almi;.'jhty
strong, for they kept me sarvin' out the licker jest as quick
as it would run. 1 thought if tho cai)ting could have seen
me astridin' his brandy-cask, in an under-ground grocery at
the bottom o' the sea, surrounded by sich a skeul of odd tish,
liow many dozen at tho gangway would ho have ordered the
boson's mate to have sarved mo out ?

The way the drunk affected the differc'nt critters was right

kewrous, now I tell you. One great .scaly feller stiffened his

tail all up, and stood poppindickler erect on the peaked pints

of the cend fin, like a jury-mast, and jawed away raal dignified

at all the rest, wantin' them to a])point him a sort o' admiral

over the hull crew. Another yeller feller, with a green tail,

was so dreadful blue, that he doubled himself into a figgery

5, and sung scraps and bits o' all sorts o' sea songs, till ho

got tew drunk to speak at all. Some o' the marinen w\anted

to kiss all the marmaids, and tew o' the ladies begun scratch-

iu' and fightin' like two pusscy.'^, cos one trod on t'other's

tail. Some went floppin' and dancin' on the sand like mad,

raisiu' sitch a dust that I could not see to draw the licker —

Ill

TRAITS or AMERICAN HUMOUR.

l)iit tlic parly round llic tub soon druv' tliciii to the rljjflit
a1)cout, as iiilcrfcriii' Avilli tlio inlcrost o' llic sottlomeiit.
Every iiiiiiiiit some fresh iiianiian dropped on the f^roiind witli
the hiuj^est luiid of load on ; 1 never seed a set o' critters so
a]ini;j;lily lij^lit, yellin', swearin', hn^i^n'n', and fi',ditin', till
they j^H'owed so darned sava^'erous tliat i kinder feared for my
own safely amon;j,st them driiidven mollVaditc sea aborooinos.
So, you see, I up and told them tliat I'd ehipt my veto on
the Jirker, and that Ihey should ]iot liave anv more.

u aell, if ever you did liear a most elarnal row, or sec a
hull raft o' druid^en fellers cut didoes, then icas the time. It
"was voted that I were a public enemy, and every lialf-druid\eu
marman suddenl}" become very 'iishus to have me Lyncheil,
and it ^ve^e settled at hist lluit 1 were to be rode on a rail,
and then tarred and feathered. ]5ut, Avhile some o' the var-
mint went arter the rail and tlie 1;ir, the rest o' tlic critters
begun quai-relin' who uas to sarve out the licher; and as
each marman, drunk or sober, Avaiited to have the keare o'
the precious stull', the} soon raised a pretty muss, and ke})t
on tearin' at each otlier like a pack o' wolves. ISeein' this, 1
jest kinder siu'aked quietly away tVom the cave p;rocery till 1
com' in sight o' the .ship, when 1 struck iipperd for the sarlis,
and swum for dear life. I soon seed that the boats' crew
■were musterin' f ji another bout o' draggin' for the brandy-
cask; so, fearin' least the capting should miss mc, I jest laid
hold o' the edge o' the gig, and crawled in pretty quickly,
and laid myself down in the starn-sheets, as if I'd never been
out o' tbe boat.

I hadn't Jaid thar' half a second, when I lieerd ai.oise jest
for all the v.orld as if somebody was squeezin' a small thun-
der cloud right over my liead. I ruz up, and thar' were the
capting and the hull crew lookin' over the ship's side at me —
the oliicers in a tarnal rage, and the men grinnin' like so
many hyenas.

" Ivouse up, you long-sided lazy swab, and bring the boats
in from the boom. Are you goin' to sleep all day r* "

"Ay, ay, 8ir," said I, jimipin' up in the boat, when all the
"vvaior run oif me like forty thousand mill-streams — I'd been
so outrageous soaked while down with the marmen. I felt
kinder skeered lest the capting should sve it, but when I
stood up he laughed right out, and so did the hull crew tew.

" Why, he's not awake yet," said the capting. '■ Ijosen,
give him another bucket."

You see they wanted to perstiade me that I'd fell asleep
in the gig, as fast as a meetin' house, and slept thar' the hull

tiii

1 oney

TIIAITS OF AMi:rJCAN HUMOUR.

ll.J

V iiilc tiio crc'"vv ^verc .it dinner, and that no «lioutin' iu<i' iio-
Ihiu' coultlu't wake mo up — so, tlic boseii run aloiij^; the Ijoohi
and jcsl ;j;ivc mo a coiqjlo o' bueketH o' soa-wator ri^ht o\H>r
1:10. AV^hon 1 iold 'oni my yarn abcout tlio marman ])oj)pin'
tip Ills liead, and invitin' inc down, and all aboout iindin' the
brandy-tub and tlie rest, they swore tliat I'd <;ot drunk on
llio parson's lickor, and dreamt it all in ibe boat. But 1 ynoss
i know what I did see, iest aboout as f>liok as anvbodv ; and
liie cliaplain b'lievod tlie liuU story; and said lliat as I'd
b'arnt tbo marmen tlie valley o' lioker, ilioy'd <i;ot huiilin' up
all the tubs and bari'ols out of the diU'eront wreoks in all tlie
various seas; and that intempcranee would sj"»ile tlu- race,
and thin 'em oil' till they beoame one o' the thiiiLTs that was
--jest like the Tjijins what's wastin' away by the p' wer o'
rum and whiskey {^iveii 'em by the white men.

I rcekiiiL,' the parson warn't far out in his kalkilashinp;.
The love o' lioker has had its cft'eet upon Iho marmen and
llie marmaids ; they must have thinned olf surprisin'ly, for I
ain't seed none since, nor I don't know nobody that has
iiythcr.

XX.

CAPTAIN STICK kSD TONET.

Captain Stick was a remark-ably precise old gentleman,
riid a conscieiiiiously just man. He was, too, very motho-
•lical in liis habits, one of which was to keep an account in
writing of the conduct of his servants, fi-om day to day. It
was a sort of account -current, and he settled by it every
Saturday afternoon. No one dreaded tlicse hebdomadal bal-
ancings more than Toney, the boy of all-work ; for the Ca})lain
was generalh'- obliged to write a receipt, for a considerable
amoui^'. , across his shoulders.

One settling afternoon, the Captain, accompanied by
Toney, was seen "toddling" down to the old stable, with his
little acconnt-book in <)ne liand, and a small rope in the
other. After they had reached the "Bar of Jusjtice," and
Toney had been pi-oporly " strung up," the Captain proceeded
to state his accounts, as follows:

" Tonei/, Dr.

"Nabbath, to not half blacking my boots, &c., five stripes.

m ' —

110

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUII.

" Tuci^day, to staying four hours at mill longer than neces-
sary, ten stripoH.

" Wednesday, to not locking the hall door at night, five
stripeH.

" i'riday, to letting the horac go without water, fivo
stripes.

" Total, twenty-five stripes.

" Toney Or.

"Monday, by first-rate day's work in the garden, ten
stripes.

*' Balance due, fifteen stripes."

The balance being thus struck, the Captain drew his cov, -
hide and remarked :

"Now, Toney, you black scamp, what say you, you l:i/y
villain, why I shouldn't give you fifteen lashes across your
back, as hard as I can draw ? "

" 8top, old Mass," said Toney ; " dar's de work in de gar-
den, Sir — dat ought to tek off'so?ne."

" You black dog," said the Captain, " havn't I given you
the proper credit of ten stripes for that ? Come, come ! "

" Please, old Massa," said Toney, rolling his eyes about
in agony of fright, " dar's — you forgot — dar's de scourin' ob
de floor — old missus say e iiebbcr been scour as good before."

" Soho, you saucy rascal," quoth Captain Stick ; " you're
bringing in more olf-sets, are you ? Well, now, there ! " —
here the Captain made an entry upon his book — " you have
a credit of five stripes and the balance must be paid."

" Gor a mity, INtassa, don't hit yet — dar's sumpen else —
oh. Lord ! please don't — yes. Sir — got um now — ketchin' do
white boy and fetchin' um to ole missus, what trow rock at
de young duck."

"That's a fact," said the Captain, "the outrageous yomiL^
vagabond! — that's a fact, and I'll give you credit of ten
stripes for it — 1 wish you had brought him to me — now we'll
settle the balance."

" Bress de Lord, ole Massa," said Toney, " cJafs all ! "

Toney grinned extravagantly.

Tlie Captain adjusted his tortoise-shell spectacles with
great exactness, held the book close to his eyes, and ascer-
tained that the fact was as stated by Toney. He was not :>
little irritated.

" You swear off the account, you infernal rascal ! — you
swear oft' the account, do you ? "

"All de credit is fair, old Massa," answered Toney.

" Yes, but — " said the disappointed Captain, " but — but "

J'^'

nccos-
it, five
;r, five

}n, tc'u

is cov.-

)u b/y

ss your

de giir-

'cn you
le!"
s al")oiit
iirin' ob
before."

f "

you

?re 1

have

else —
ihui' de
Irock at

youni;-

of ten

)W we'll

}S with
ascer-
not a

!— you

-but "

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ii:

r-lill ibc Captain was sorely puzzled liow to give Toney a
faic licks anj/Iiua\ "but — " an idea popped into his head,
•' wlteres iivj costs, you incorrigible, abominable scoundrel ?
You want to swindle me, do you, out of my costs, you black,
dei'citful rascal! And," added Captain Stick, chuckling as
^\ell at his own ingenuity, as the perfect justice of the
sentence, "I enter judgiucnt against you for costs — ten
i-tripes!" and forthwith administered the stripes and satis-
fied the judgment.

" Ki nigger!" said Tonev ; "ki nigger! what dis iudg-
men' for co.ss, ole T<.Iassa talk 'bout. Done git olf 'bout not
blackin' do boot — git oil' 'bout stayin' long time at de mill —
ami ebry ting else; but dis judgmeii' f( i coss gim me de deb-
l)il ! Bress God, nigger must keep out ob de ole stable, or
ni tell you v.liat, A':^\, jiuhjuioi' for coss make e back feel
mighty warnij for true ! "

XXL

THE WAY SILLY HARRIS DROVE THE DRUM-FISH TO MARKET.

The afternoon of a still, sultry dav, found us at the Bank-
Lead spring, on Chrptico Ba}', Maryland — Billy Harris, old
"Blair," and myself. Billy was seated on the head of his
canoe, leisurely discussing a \)ono and a slice of bread, tlio
remnant of his mid-day's repast on the river; old "Blair"
was busily engaged in overliauling and arranging the fish that
lie had taken in the cours^ of flic morning : while I, in a state
of half-listlessness, half-doziness, was seated on tlie trunk of
an uprooted cedar near the spring, vith my head luxuriously
reclining against the bank.

" "yell, this is about as pooty a fish as I've had the hand-
ling ov for some time," remarked old " Blair," holding up and
Hurvcj ing with much satislactiou a rock about two feet and a
iialf in length.

" Smart rock that," said Billy, as he measured the fish wi^h
Ivs eye. " "What an clegint team a couple o' dozen o' that
size would make ! "

"Elegint u'/iaf, Mr Harris?" inqn.ired old "Blair," de-
positing the fish under the bushes in the bow of his canoe, and
turning round towards Bill v.

" AVhy, an elegint team for a man to travel with," replied

118

TRAITS OF A^IEKICAX TIUMOUPt.

TjIUv. "Did T never toll you 'bout mv drivIuLr tlic drums i^
tlic! Alcxaudri' uinrket ?" ho iiddel, at tlio same titue CTr-lini; a
furtive; i^lanco ill tho diret'tioii ot'tlie spot wIkm'c I was s.-ated.

" Well, J'vo hearri a riglit smart of your exploits, IMr IIarri>',
in our meetiu'a down hero on the bay," said " IMair," " but L
dou't remember ov heariu' you tell about tliat."

" The laet is," said J5illy, '' it's a little out o' the usual ruu
o' things, aud it's not every one that T care about telling it to.
^)Oluo people are so hard to luake believe, that tliero's no i^atis-
faetiou in telling them anything; seeing it's you, thougli,
L(nvis, I dou't mind relating that little spree — 'specially as the
tide won't serve us up thi; narrows for some time yet, and

Mr , there, seems inclined to do a little napping. AVell,

to begin at the beginning," ho contiiuied, as old "Blair" as-
sumed the attitude of an attentive listener at the head of hi-^
canoe, "it's just seven years ago the tenth day of this here
last month, that I went down, to the druunning-ground oil' tli(3
salt-works to try my luck among the thumpers. I know'd the
gents were about, for I'd heard 'em drumming the day before
while I was out rocking on tho outer eend o' Mills's ; so I gut
everytbing ready the over night, and by an hour by sun tho
next morning 1 had arrived u])on the ground, ready for action.
For the lirst half-hour or so I done nothing. Sometimes au
old chanu'ler or a greedy cat would pay his re.spt^cts to my
bait in a way that would nuike my heart jump up into my
month, and get me kind o' excited like, but that was alk
Devil the drum ever condescended to favour me with a nibble.
A'ter a while I begun to get tired o' that kind o' sport, and
concluded that I'd just np-stake and shove a little nearer in
shore. Just as 1 was preparing to pull in my line, though, \.
sp'ied a piece o' pine bark 'boe.t twenty yards ofl", floating
down towards me. ' jNow,' says I, ' gents, I'll give you until
that bit of bark passes my line, to bite in, and if yini don't
think proper to do it in that time, you may brealcfast as you
can — I'll not play the waiting-boy any longer.' W^ell, th(>
piece of bark got riglit olf against my line wuliout my gettiiu;
so much as a nibble, and 1 begun wind up ; but I hadn't got
more'n a foot or so o' the line outer the water, when I fe!';
something give me a smart tug. At first I thought it nn'ghf:
be a crab or an oyster-shell that I'd hooked, out presently my
line begun to straighten under a strong, steady pull, and tlicii
I know'd what was about. 1 give one sangorous jerk, and tho
dance connnenced."

"Wiuit was it— a drum?" inquired old " Elair," a lilLb
eagerly.

Iku
lisl
Ml
I

Lima t >
istinsj; a
.-•ated.
Ilnrri:-',
'but t

ml nm
ig it to.
,0 satis-
thoiu^l),
^ as th<;
et, ami
AVell,
lir" as-
l of hij
lis lioro
oH' tho
>\v'd tho
r botbro
30 I ,ii;ot
sun t!io
' action,
imcs an

■5 to IP.}'

ito my

|\vas n!!.

nibblo.

Di't, ami

art'i' ill

ougb, I

jloatiiiL:;

)\i until

u don't

as voii

dl, 'th.'

L';ottill:''

n't <^fo!:

I Iblfc

might

ilv WW

k1 then

!id tho

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

110

" Yes, a drum, and a regular scrouger, at that. I wish you
luid only been there, Lewis, to see the fun. Of all tlu; liard
ilsh to conquer that ever I took in hand, that chap was the
Major. I goi; him alongside at last, thou'^di, and lifted him in.
I then run a rope through his gills, and sent him overboard
agin, niakin' the two eends of tho lino fast to a staple in tho
stern o' the boat, just behind me.

" AVell, this put me in first-rate spirits, and out went my
line agin in the twinklin' of an eye. Before it had time to
touch the bottom, it was jerked through my hand for the mat-
ter of a yard or so, and then cum another interestin' little
squabble. Just as I got that chap to the top o' the water,
'way went t'other line ! "

" My patience ! " exclaimed old " Blair," who had probably
never taken a drum in the whole course of his life, " two goin'
at once ? "

" Yes, two at once."

" And did you save 'em both, ]Mr Karris ? "

" Save 'em ! " said Billy ; *' did you ever know me to lose a
fish arter I'd once struck him ? "

" Well, exceptin' that big rock this niornin'," replied
" Blair," as a scarcely perceptible smile crept over his ebony
visage, " I don't remember as I ever did."

" But that, you know, was the fault o' the hook — the
beard wasn't quite long enough," said Billy. '' But ti) come
back to the drums," he continued, quickly. " In about three
hours from the time I staked down 1 had no less than thirtv-
nine fine fish fioating at the eend o' my little corner ; so I
concluded that I'd just up-stake, and make a-push for the
narrows.

'• ' But how am I to jret the drums alons:? ' said T to mv-
self; 'that's the next question. If I take 'em in the boat, I
shall be swamped to a certainty ; and if I uiidertake to tow
'em straight up the river, it's a school o' pilchers to a singlo
crocus that I'm run away with.'

" A'ter debating the matter for a little while with myself, I
concluded that "' '

.1'

litlk

I got into schoal water, and then follow the shore. So I bent
over as easy as I coidd, pulled up the slake, and commenced
shoving along ; but no sooner did the drums 'iw\ themsc'lv(\s
moving through tho water, than tiiey turned tack, and, with a
iiirt of their tails, dashed smack otF down, the river, like so
many terrified colts."

'' Thar, bless the Lord ! " ejaculated old " Blair," suddenly
risinj]; from his seat, and then resuminu^ it a^'ain.

120

TRAITS OF AMERICAN nUMOUK.

" My first tliouL^ht," continued Billv, " was to cut the rop!\
and lot tlic whole batch of 'ein j^o ; but on turning round tor
that purpose, I found that tlie stern of the boat was buried so
low in the water, that a little stream was beginnlnj^ to run
over tlie top ; so I jist travelled to the other eend of t'^e boat,
and tried to bear down. But the thin<; wasn't to bo done so
e;isy. T!ie drums had taken the bit between their teeth, and
were pulling down with a regular furty-horso power. Seeing
no otiier way of saving myself from the crabs, I just got a-
stradtlle o' the boat, and worked my way backwards, until I
reached the last half inch o' the bow, and there I sot, with my
legs dangling in the water, 'till the gents begun to cool down,
aiul come to the top. By this time we had got over Cobb Bar,
and the drums were looking straight up the Potomac. I
never knowed how to account for it, but just then a queer no-
tion struck me :

" ' 'Spose, now,' said I to myself, * I was to take these chaps
in hand, and drive 'em to Alexandri' ; ,.ouldn't it be some-
thing to talk about when I got back ! '

" The thing sorter pleased m(\ and I determined to try it,
come what nught of it. So I reached down, and got hold o'
my drum-line, and carefully doubled it. I then got down into
the boat, and crawled along on mv hands and knees to the
other eend o' the corner, Avliere the drums were, and looked
over. Finding that they were all moving along qnietly, I tied
my line to the two eeuds o' the rope that they were fastened
with, and then cut the rope loose from the staple. This made
the reins about twenty-five yards long, but I only let out
about one-half ov 'em. I was afraid, you see, if I give the
gents too much play room, that they might get into tantrums,
and give me more trouble. Seeing, arter a while, though, tliat
I could manage 'em pretty well, I just wound the line round
my left hand, picked up my angel rod for a whip, took my seat
in the stern of the boat, and told 'em to travel. And didii't
they travel ! I wish you could only have seen me, Lewis. Old

Neption, that Mr , there, sometimes tells about, wasn't a

circumstance. I had a thundering big red drum in the lead,
and nineteen as pretty matches o' black ones following after,
as ever a man could wish to look at ; and they all moved along
Ro nicely as so many well-broke carriage-horses. It's true, a
chap would sometinu^s become a little fractious, like, and
sliocr off owards the Ma'yland or Yirginny shore, but I'd just
fetch a draw on t'other tack, and give him a slight tou^li with
the rod near the back fin, and he'd fall into line agin as beauti-
fid as could be. AVell, Lewis, to make a long story short, it

c rop'.\
Liul tor
I'ied so
to run

boat,
iouc so
th, and
Sl'c'wil;
got a-

uutil I
rith my
[ down,
bb Bar,
:iac. I
eer no-

;o chaps
3 soini;-

1 trv it,
hold o'

wn into
to the
loolv'ed
, I tied
listened
made
llct out
live tlio
itrnms,
;h, that
round
ly seat
didn't
. Old
asn't a
|e lead,
after,
along
Itrue, a
le, and
I'd just
li with
)eauti-
lort, it

TRAITS OF ATlIErJCAN HUMOUR.

121

VMS about ten o'clock in the day when I tool; tho gentlemen
in hand, and by three hours by the sun that evening I pitch-
ed the renia over one o' the posts on tho Alexandri' wharf. A
crowd o' people had collected together to see mc land, and an
tlio thing ov a man's drivin' ilsh to market seemed to t'ckh^
V'ln, I soon sold out my whole team, at a dollar and a half ii
h.'-ad. I at first thou^jjht of holdini:: on to about half a dozen
ov 'era to travel home with ; but as I expected they wen^
pretty well tired out, and the wind happened to be fair, I
bought me a sail, laid in a su])ply ov eatables, and a jug of tho
best old rye that ever tickled a man's throat" (a slight work-
ing of old "Blair's" mouth was here perceptible), "and at
day-break tho next morning was snoozing it 'd\\a.y nicely uudor
my own shingles at home." .

" Didn't you see no steam-boat :=!, nor nothin', on your way
up, Mv Harris?" inquired old '' Blair."

" Oh yes," said Billy. " 'Bout twenty miles this side o'
Alexandri' I met the old Columbrla coming down under a full
head o' steam. She was crowded with people, and as I passed
close along by the wheel-house, and bowed my head to 'em,
they all clapped their hands and hollered mightily. I hearn
afterwards that the captain, or somebody else, had it all put in
the papers, but I can't say from my own knowledge nhcther ii:
was so or not. I also overtook two or three brigs, but didn'o
stop to talk — ^^just give 'em a nod, and passed on."

" jNIy patience ! " exclaimed old '' Blair ;" " well you ?m<f a
Iravellin'."

"Just t'other side o' Xangcm'y Eeaeh, too," continued
Billy, " I fell in with a sa'cy little pungy, that brushed u])
alongside, and seemed inclined to keep company. As the wind
happened to freshen up just then, I couldn't get away from
her nohow ; and the son of a blood of a captin kept bcarhig
me in towards the land until he got me almost right upon a
long bar before I know'd it. As tho water was several feet
doep at the eend of the bar, the pungy could pass riglit by it
without touching ; so I had either to cross the bar or go round
tlie pungy. It was a desperate undertaking to try the bar,
for 'bout a yard or so wide it was perfectly bare ; but I
couldn't think of being beat, so I just stood up in the boat,
gathered the line well together in my hands, and with a whoop
to the drums, rushed 'em at it."

" And did you raili/ cross it, Mr Harris ? " said " Blair," ti
little staggered.

" AVithout turning a shell," replied Billy.

" And what became o' the pungy ? "

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

""Wliy in a little wliilo the \vin(l died away, and slio drop-
ped behind, and I saw nutliing more of her. 1 reekoii it mad
the caj)tiii open his eye.s tliou^li, to see tlie way I crofised the
bar. JJiit tlie greatest expl'it ov all wya — "

" AV^hat, yon uneonseionabl(! liar — what ? " exclaimed T,
determined to pnt a stop to any further drafts upon old
"Jilair'a" credulity.

" Why, the one you was tellin' me t'other day 'bout old
Xeption's hitching his sea-horses to some big island or 'nother,
and pulling it up by the roots, and towing it olf with the ]K'o-
ple and all on it, and anchorin' it down in some other place
that he liked better," was the unexpected rejoinder.

A reply was deemed unnecessary ; and in a few minutes
more the cheerful plash of the Bankhead spring was among
the sounds we heard not.

woul

XXII.

TA>'KEE IIO:.IESPUX.

" AViiEX I lived in Maine," said Uncle Ezra, "I helped to
bn^ak up a new piece of groiuul : we got the wood otf in the
winter, and early in the spring we begun ploughing on't. It
was so consarned rocky that wo had to get forty yoke of oxen
to one plough — we did faith — and I held that plough more'u a
week ; 1 tliought I should die. It e'en a most killed me, 1
vow. Why, one day I was hold'n, and the plough hit a
stump which measured just nine feet and a half through it —
hard and sound white oak. The plough split it, and I was
going straiglit through the stump when I happened to think it
might snap together a.;ain, so I threw my feet out, and had no
sooner done this, than it snapped together, taking a smart
hold of the seat of my pantaloons. Of course I was tight, but
1 held on to the plough-handles, and though the teamsters did
all they could, that team of eighty oxen could not tear my
pantaloons, nor cause me to let go my grip. At last though,
after letting the cattle breathe, they gave another strong pull
all together, and the old stump came out about the quickest ; it
had monstrous long roots, too, let me tell you. My wife miuh'
the cloth for them pantaloons, and I liavn't worn any other
kind since."

it mail
ised t!io

.iinod T,
pou old

i)Out old

'notlicr,

the ])('0-

ler place

minutea
3 among

THAITS OF AMi:i7I('AN IITMorn.

12')

dped to
in the
n't. It
of oxen
moro'u a
3d me, 1
h liit a
I ugh it —
id I Nvas
think it
d had no
a i>inai't
;ht, but
sters did
tear my
though,
ong pull
;kest; it
ife mad'^
\r other

1^^

Tho rnly reply mailo to this wn?, " I phoiild have thought it
would have eo.ne hard u[K»n your suspender.s."
" Powerful hard."

:xxirT.

THE TNDr.F.vTifiAr.rF, i5i: vn-iirxTrR.

!>' m}' round of praetieo, I occasionally meet with m(Mi
wh.osi^ peeuliaritiea stamp them as belonging to a class com-
posed oidy of themselves. So dilU'rent are they in appearance,
liabits, taste, fnau the majority of mankind, that it is ini[)ossibh^
to clas'^ify them, and you have therefore to s^et them down aa
queer birds " (^f a feather," that none resemble siifhciently to
associate Avith.

I had a patient once who was one of these queer ones ;
"lizantic in stature, uneducated, fearless of real danger, yet
tinioroua aa a child of superstitious perils, born ]It(>ral)y in the
woods, never having been in a city in his life, and his idea of
cue being that it was a ])laee where jieoplo met together to
make whiskey, and form plans lor swindling country folks. To
view him at one time you would think him only a Avhiskey-
drinking, bear-fat-loying mortal ; at other moments he would
give yent to ideas, proving that beiu^atli his rough exterior
there ran a fiery current of InLrh enthusiastic ambition.

It is a fayourite theory of nn'ne, and one that I am fond of
consoling myself with, for my own insignificance, that there i.s
no man born who is not capable of attaining distinction, and
no occupation that does not contain a path leading to fame.
To bide our time is all that is necessary. I had expresscnl this
view in the hearing of Mik-hoo-tah, for so was the object of
this sketch called, and it seemed to chime in with his feeling's
exactly. Eorn in the woods, and losing his parents early, ho
had tbrgotten his real name, and the bent of his genius in-
clining him to the slaying of bears, he had been given, ev(Mi
when a youth, the name of Mik-hoo-tah, si^nifviu'': " the irravo
ol bears," by his Indian associates and admirers.

To glance in and around his cabin, you would haye thought
that the place had been selected for ages past by the bear
tribe to yield up their spirits in, so numerous were the relics.
Little chance, 1 ween, had the cold air to whistle through that

121

TKATTS OF AMi:KirAN ITl'MOrR.

luit, so niicl<ly Avns i1 1npo;'f ricd -with tlio i-ififf, ddwny IiMcs,
llic <liirlui(!ss of the surf'iicc relieved occnsioiiiillv by llie skIh
<'l ;i lender i'iiwu, or liie sliort-liiiired intseible pjiiillier. Vvoin
llio joisis depended liear-limnH mid toiimies iniiinneralde, iind
llie ^!;r()Uiid wiHioiil ^v;Js litenilly wliite witli bones. Ay, lie
Av.'iH a lier.r-lnin»er, in Its most roin[)reliensivc sense — l]n>
eliief of that vli^'orons band, whose o('cn])ation is ii(>arly ;;()ne
— ernslied beneatb tlie iidvaneinij; strides ol' roniaiice-deslrov-
iiifi; clvili/at ion. AVhen ]iis horn sonnded — so tradition ran--
llio bears be^'an to draw lots to S(H' wlio should die tliat dav.
for paijiCul experience had told them tlie uselessiiess of all
endeavourin;j; to es('a]i(\ Th(! " J5ig l^ear of Arkansas " would
Dot have f^iven him an hour's extra woric, ov raised a iVcsIi
wi'iidxlo on his already eare-eorru'jjated brow. Ihit, 1hoii:;li
almost daily indiruiun; his hand.", in tho blood of IJruin, j\lik-
lioo-tah had not beeomc an impious or ciMiel-lu^arted num.
Sueh was his [jiet}', that he never killed a bear without •;et-
tinn; down on his knees — +0 skin it — and praying to he
d — ned it' it warn't a buster; and sucdi his softness of h(>;ni,
that he often wej)t wlien he, by mistake, had killed a suekliiij;
bear — de])riving her poor oirsprin«!j of a mother's eare — and
found her too j^oor to be eaten. Ho indefatiii^ablc had he hc-
eome in his pursuit, that the bears bid fair to disa])pear fjMm
the face of the sv^'amp, and be knoAvn to jiostei'ity only
throu^^h the one mentioned in Rcri])ture, that assisted Elislia
to punish the imp(>)'tinent children, wdien an accident oc-
curred to the hunter, which raised their hopes of not being
entirely (exterminated.

One day^ IMik hapj^ened to come unfortunately in contact
with a stray j;ri/,zly fellow, who, doubtless in the iiulul'.;;ciico
ol'an adventurous spirit, had waiulered away from tho Ixui-ky
T^Iountains, and formed a league for mutual protection wilh
his black and more eifeminalo brethren of the swamp, iiliiv
saluted him, as he apj)roached, with an ounce ball in llio
forehead, to avenge half a dozen of his best dogs, who lay in
fragments around; the bullet flattened ujion his impenetrable
skull, merely infuriating the monster, and before Mik could
reload, it was npon him. Seizing him by the leg, it bore him
to the ground, and ground the limb to atoms. But bet'ore it
could attack a more vital part, the knife of the daunt Ic^^.s
hunter had cloven its heart and it dropped dead upon tlic
lileeding form of its slaj'er, in which condition they were
fdiortly found by Mik's comrades. Making a litt er of brandies,
they placed Mik upon it, and proceeded with all haste to
their camp, sending one of the company by a near cut for

11 ic,
temp
jiave
that,
luive
As 1
in 111
not
good
next
rarity
of th
expen
gciiioi
u belt
time j
tares.
The ci
ninny ;
Ikis be
with fj
The pi
arms
throuff

\\ Iiidcs,
\]\v skill
r. From
iblc, juid
Ay, 1ic
use — tlu!
irly f^one
-drsli'oy-
(Mi ran —
liat (l;iy.
!SH of all

^^" AVOUI.I

I a iVoli
t, ni(.ii-h
iiiii, Mik-
•Icd mail.
Iiout ^C't-
1^ to bo
of l'i(\irt,.
1 Huckliiif;
[•arc — and
jid lit' bc-
|)oar iVniu
i-ily only
cmI Eiislia
lent 01'-
iiot being

n contact
idu1;.';enco

10 Korl^y
lion wiih
np. VAk

11 in Ino
bo lay in
cnetrabic

ik could

bore liiiii

before it

launlle^ri

ipon the

ley ^v('l'C

ranches,

liasie to

cut for

TliAITS OF AMEIIICAN IirMOli:.

I'J.-i

(lie, aiH I was tlio nearest physician. "Wben T reaidied their
temporary sheher, I found jMik (h>inij; better tliau L coubl
ha\e expected, with the exception of his wouikhmI Iclc, and
that, from its crushed and mutihited condition, I saw wonbl
have to be amputated ininiediately, of wliich 1 informed 3lik.
As I expected, he opposed it vehemently; but 1 convinced
him of the impossibility of yavin^ it, assurin<; liim if it were
not am])utated he would certainly die, and appealed to his
good sense to grant permission, which he did at last. The
next dilliculty was to procure amputating ii:struments, tho
rarity of surgical operations, and the generally slender pui'so
of the "Swamp Doctor," not justifying him in purchasing
expensive instruments. A couple of bowie-knives, one in-
geniously hacked and tiled into a saw — a tourniquet made of
a belt and a piece of stick — a gun-screw convei'ted for the
time into a tenaculum — and some buckskin slips for liga-
tures, completed my case of instruments for am})utatioii.
The city physician may smile at this recital, but 1 assure him
many a more dilGcult operation than the amputation of a leg,
has been performed by his humble brother in the " swamp,"
with far more simple means than those I have mentioned.
The preparations being completed ]\Iik refused to have his
arms bound, and commenced singing a bear-song ; and
throughout the whole operation, which was necessarily tedi-
ous, he never uttered a groan, or missed a single stave. Tlie
next day, I had him conveyed by easy stages to his pre-emp-
tion; and tending assuluously^ in the course of a few weeks,
he had recovered sufficiently for me to cease attentions, i
made him a wooden leg, which answei-ed a good purpose ;
and with a sigh of regret for the spoiling of such a good
hunter, I struck him from my list of patients.

A few months passed over and I heard nothing more of
him. IS'ewer, but not brighter, stars were in tlie ascend'int,
tilling with their deeds the clanging trump of bear-killing
fame, and, but for the quantity of bear-blankets xn the neigh-
bouring cabins, and the painful absence of his usual ])rescnt
of bear-hams, Mik-hoo-tah bid fair to sutler that fate most
terrible in aspiritig ambitionists — forgetfulness during life.
It was near sunset when I arrived at home from a long weari-
some semi-ride-and-swim through the swamp. Eeceiving a
negative to my inquiry whether there were any new calls, I
was felicitating myself upon a qui' t night beside my tidy
bachelor hearth, undisturbed by » rying children, babbling
women, or amorous cats — the usual accompaniments of mar-
ried life — when, like a poor henpecked Benedict crying for

IL'!)

'IIIAirS or AMKKICAN III'MOUR.

j'r;i((i wild) llicrc is no peace, T was iIooiiumI Io disappdlul.
iiiciil. Jleariii;; tlio hpla^^li fil'a |)a(MI(' in tlic ])ay()ii riiiiiiiii;^r
lici'oic llic (Idur, I liinicd my head towards tlic hank, and
r^niw hclicld, lirst the lail <d' a (-(-on, iicxl liis liody, a liiiinan
jaec, and, llic \>>\) oi' n lianU IicinLj ;j;aiii('(l, a rull-propoi-t inncd
i'orni clad in the ^Mi'incnls wliitdi, belter llian any pciiilcd
Jaliel, wrole liini down I'al'tsnian, 1 rapper, liear-Iiunter. lie
was a niesHen<j;er IVoni IIk? indel'al i;^'alde liear-liunler, Mik-
lioo-lah. i\skinti; liini wliat was llie niatler, as soon as lie
conid }j;ei the knots untied, uliicdi two-lliinhs (h'nnkeinie.ss
had nia(h' in ids toii'i;ue, he iid'onned me, Io my sincei'e re-
gret, liial Mik went out Ihut morninij; on a liear-hunl, and in
a II;;Iit with ((ne liad ^'o1 his h'l; broke all to lliinU'i's, ii' pos.vi-
Ide Worse than tlie other, and that lio wanted me to e(iiii('
«|iiiekly. (Jettin;jj into the canoe, which awaited me, I wrap-
])ed myself in my l)laid<el, and yieldinu^ to my I'at iiijue, \\;is
Koon last asleep. .1 did not awaken until tlie canoe sti-ikiiii,'
a;4,ainst the bank, as it lan(!e(l at iMik'.s ])re-empt ion, marly
threw me in the bavou, and entirelv succeeded witli reij-ritl
to my liall'-di-unkeii j)addlei*, ■wlu) — like tlic sailor that cir-
cumna\ iL'.ated the world, and then was di-owned in .1 ])ud(lk'-
hide in his own {^'arden — had escaped all the perils of the tor-
tuous bayou to be pitched overboai'd when there was iiothiiiLj
to do but to stej) out and lie tlio dui;-out. Assist inf; him out
of the water, wo ])roceeded to the lu)use, when, to my indig-
nation, 1 learnt that the drunken messen^^a'r had jj;iven iiiu
the lonu; trip I'or nothing:, IMik only wantiniif mo to make liiui
a new wooden ]ej^% tho old ono liavingboon completely dc-
nu)lished that nu)riun!j;.

1 would have returned tliat nl<j;lit, but tlio distance was too
{.n-eat I'or one fatiiijued as 1 was, so I had to content myself
w ith such acconnnodations as ]\Iik\s cabin ailbrded, whiidi, to
ono bles.ved like myself with tlio ba])py faculty of ready
adai)ta1ion to circnmstanccs, was not a very diflicult task.

1 was surprised to perceive tho clian^e in IMik's appear-
ance. Trom nearly a giant ho liad wasted to a mere huije
bony frame-work ; tho skin of his face clung tightly to the
lumes, and showed nothing of those laughter-moving features
that were wont to adorn his visage ; only his eye remained
nnchanged, and it liad lost none of its brilliancy — the Hint
had lost none of its lire.

"AVhat on earth is the matter with j'-ou, Mik? I have
never seen any one fiill off so fast; you have wasted to a
skeleton — siu'ely you must have the consumption."

"Do you think so, Doc? I'll soon show you whether tlic

THATTS OF A.MKinrAN IH'MorR.

112:

.'il)|)(iiiit.
I'liiiiiiii''
iiil\, iiml
I liiiiiiiiii
oi't iitiK'd
|)riiit('il
Icr. II,.
(T, Mik-
)ii as lie
iikcimcss

ICC'I'i' I'C-

1, iiml i.'i
if j)(is.>i.

to COllll'
, 1 \\Vi\\)-

i^iic, \\;is

strlkliii,'

n, ncai'ly

h iv|j;i!nl

tliiit cir-

i ])ii(I(llt'-

ftlio Inr-

4 iiotliiiii,'

lini out

y iiuH^-

\('U ii;i;

ako liiiii

clcly ilu-

Avas loo
t iiiysclt'
ivliicli, to
f ready
task.

apijcar-
rc liii,!j;c
y to the
feat HITS
•emaiiu'd
the Hint

I liavc
icd to a

Ithcr tlio

old bellows lias lost any (d' its I'ori'o!" ami li'>|)i)iiii^ id tli(»
diior, \vlii(di he tlircw wide open, Iio ^avc a deatli-liui; rally to
his do';:<, ill suidi a 1(»U(1 and piciNMiii; tdtic, that I iiiiai^iiicd :i
stcaiii-wliistlo was beiii;^ (lis(diar;j;(Ml in my car, ami for sescral
iiioiiK'iitH could lirai' iiolliiii'^ (llstinctly.

"That vsill do! Hto])!" I yelled' as I saw ^1 ik drawlii-^'
ill liis breath |)re|)aiMt(H'y lo another cdl'ort »)!' liis voral
t^treii'^th ; " I am satislied yoiihave not ^nd eonsnmpt ion ;
but what has wuwled you st), Mik? {Surely you ain't in
h.vey"

" Fiovo ! ])o(di ! you don't sn|)j)ose, Doe, even if 1 was'tar-
luined to make a eussed fool ol' myself, that llu're is any ,i,'al
ill the swamp ihat could stand that hll;^^ do you 'r " and
«';d(diin!j; up a huj;e bull-ddi;, who lay basking himself by llie
lire, he <^n\v liim siudi a squee/e that the animal ytdle(l with
jiaiii, and for a lew moments appiared dead. "No, Doc, it's
^rief, puro sorrur, sorrur. Doe! wlien 1 lo(diH at wliat 1 is
now and uliat 1 used to be! Jes think, ])oc, of the fust
liiiiiter in the swamp havlii;.,' his s[)ort spilte, like bar-meat in
Miiiimer without salt ! Jes think of a man standin' up one
(lay and blessintij old jNFaster for liavini; put bar in creation,
ami the next cussing hi^h lieaven and low h — 11 'cause he
couldn't 'sist ill puttin' them out ! Warn't it eiuuii^h to
h!'iii;j; tears in the eyes of an Injun tater, nuudi less take the
fat oil' a bar-liunter? Doc, I fell otf like 'simmoiis arter J'rost,
and folk.s as doubted me, nei'dn't had asked whether 1 war
'ceitful or not, for they eould have seed plum threw me! The
l)ar and painter ^ot so saucy that tliey'd cum to the t'otlier
side of tlie bayou and sec uhich eould talk the im])udentest !

"'Don't you want some bar-meat or jjainter blanket':''
they'd ask; 'bars is monstrous fat, and painter's hide is
mighty Avarm ! '

" Oh ! Doe, I was a miserable man ! Q'lie sky warn't blue*
for me, tlie sun war always cloudy, and tlie shade-trees ^in
no shade for me. Even the do<i;s forgot me, and the little
children quit eominjj; and askin<jj,

"'Please, JNlr liar-Grave, eoteh nie a young bar or a
painter kitten."

" Doe, the tears would cum in my eyes, and tlie liot blood
would come biling up I'l-om my heart, when I'd hobble oui of
a sundown and hear the boys tell, as they went by, of the
sport they'd had that day, and how the bar lit 'fore he was
killed, and how fat he war arter he was slayed. Long arter
they was gone, and the whip-poor-will had eat up their
voices, I would sit out there on the old stump, and think of

12S

TilAITS OF AMERICAN IIU^IOT'R.

iJKxl^

the 1hiii[:;H tliat used to liold tlio bigcjcst place in my miii;l
■svlicu I \vas a boy, and p'raps sense I've been a man.

"I'd lieard tell of distinction and fame, and people's
names never dying, and how AV^ashington and Eranklin, and
Clay and Jackson, and a heap of political dicshunary-lblks,
would live when their big hearts had crumbled down to a
rifle-charge of dust ; and I begun, too, to think. Doe, what a
])leasant thijig it would be to know folks a million years ojf
would talk of me like then:, and it made me 'tarmiue to 'stin-
guish m3's(,lf, and have my name ])ut in a book with a y.-ilL r
iviver. I warn't a geruis, Doc, I nude that, nor I warn't
dicshunary ; so i detarmined to strike out in a new track for
glory, and 'title myself to be called tiio 'bear-hunter of
Ameriky.' Doc, my heart jum])t up, and I belted my hunt-
ing-shirt tighter for fear it would lepe out when I fust spuku
them words out loud.

'"The bar-hu'iter of Ameriky! ' Doc, you know whothor
I war Lrnin' the name Avhen I war ruined. There *s not a
child, A\'hite, black, Injun, or nigger, from the Arkansas line
to Trinity, but what has heard of me, and I were happy
when " — hero a tremor of his voice and a tear glistening in
tlie glare of the fire told the old fellow's emotion — "when —
but les take a drink — Doc, I found I was dying — I war gct-
tin' Aveaker and weaker — I nude your truck warn't what I
needed, or I'd sent for you. A bar-hunt war the medsiii
that n\y systum required, a fust-class bar-himt, the music of
the dogs, the fellers a screaming, the cane j)oppin', the rifles
crackin', the bar growl in', the light hand to hand, slap goes
his paw, and a dog's-hidc hangs on one cane and his body on
another, the knife glislenin' and then goin' plump up to the
handle in his heart ! Oh ! Doc, this was what 1 needed, and
I swore, since death were huggin' me, anyhow, I mite arf
well feel his last grip in a bar-hunt.

" I seed the boys goin' long one day, and haled them to
wait awhile, as I believed I would go along too. I war frado
if I kept out of a hunt much longer I wood get outen praclis.
They laughed at me, thinkin' I war jokin' ; for wat cood a
sick, old, one-legged man do in a bar-hunt ? how cood he get
threw the swamp, and vines, and canes, and back-water? and
s'pose he mist the bar, how Avar he to get outen the Avay ?

" But I Avar 'tarmined on goin' ; my dander was up, and I
SAVore I Avood go, tellin' them if I coodent travel 'bout muck,
I could take a stand. Seein' it Avar no use tryin' to 'swado
me, they L^addled my poney and olf Ave started. I felt bettor
right olf. I knew I cuddent do much in the chase, so I told

7 mill']

people's
dill, and
ry-iblks,
wii to a
, Avliat a
^cars oil'
to 'stiii-

[ Avani'l
track I'or
unter cf
ly luint-
Lst spuko

■\vliethor
N not a
iisas line
•e happy
:eniiig in
" Avhen—
[war gct-
t what I
13 medt^in
music of
he riHcs
lap <i;oe3
body on
p to the
ded, and
mite arf

I them to
:ar trade

practis.

eood a
Id he get
ler? and

aiu

ay Y

It mucli,

'swado
It better

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

129

I told

the fellers I would go to the cro!«s-path stand, and wate io"
tiie bar, as he would be sarten to eum by thar. You have
never seed the cross-path staiul, Doc. ]t's tlic singularest
])lace in the swamp. It's rite in the middle of a canebrake,
thicker than har on a bar-hide, down in a do'cp sink, that
looks like the devil had cummenst diggin' a skylite for iiis
j)re-emption. I knew it war a dangerous place for a well men.
to go in, much less a one-leg cripple; but I war 'tarmined
that time to give a d^al on the dead-wood, and play my hand
out. The boys gin me time to get to the stand, and then
cummenst the drive. The bar seemed 'tarmined on disap-
pinting me, for the fust thing I heard of the dogs and bar,
they was outen hearing. Everything got quiet, and 1 got so
wrathy at not being able to follei up the chase, that I cust
till the trees cummenst sliedding their leaves and small
branches, when I herd them lumbrin' back, and I nude they
war makin' to me. I primed old ' bar death' fresh, and rub-
bed the frizin, for it war no time for riflo to get snappin'.
Tjiinks I, if I happen to miss, I'll try what virtue there is in
a knife — when. Doc, my knife war gone. Oh ! bar, for God's
sake have a soft head, and die easy, for I cariH run !

" Doc, you've hearn a bar bustin' threw a cane-brake, and
knoAv how near to a harrycane it is. I almost cunnnenst
dodgin' the trees, thinkin' it war the best in the shop one a
comin', for it beat the loudest thunder ever I heard ; that ole
bar did, comin' to get his death from an ole one-legged crip-
ple, what had slayed more of his brethren than his nigger foot
had ever made trax in the mud. Doc, he heerd a monstrtis
huff li'ay ahead of the dofjs. I warn't sheered, but I must own
as 1 had but one shot an' no knife, I wud have prefurd they
had been closer. But here he cum! he bar — big as a bull —
boys olf h — llwards — dogs no whar — no knife — but one shot
— and only one leg that cood run !

"The bar 'peered s'prise 1 to see me standin' ready for
him in the openin' ; for it war currently reported 'mong his
brethren that I war either dead, or no use for bar. I thought
i'ust he war sheered; and, Doe, I b'leve he war, till he cotch
a sight of my wooden leg, and that toch his pride, for ho
knew he would be hist outen every she bear's company, ef ho
run from a poor, sickly, one-legged cripple, so on he cum, a
small river of slobber pourin' from his muuih, and the bluo
smoke curlin' outen his ears. I tuck good aim at his left,
and let drive. The ball struck him on the eyebrow, and
glanced oil', only stunnin' him for a nnnnent, jes giviii' me
tune to club my ritle, an' on he kum, as tierce as old urizzlv.

130

TKAIT8 OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

As he f^ot in roach, I ^i^in him a lick 'cross the temples

the stock ill iit'ty pieces, an' knockin' him senseless.

to f'oller up the lick, when, Doc, I war fast — my timber

km'

triiv

too

had run inter the ^n'ouud, and I cuddent ;;"t out, though I
jerked hard emit' almost to briufjf my thigh out of joint. 1
stuped to unscrew the iufurnal thing, when the bar cum too,
and cum at me agen. Vim ! I tuck him over the head, and,
cocluiidf, he keeled over. Oh! but I cavorted and pitCiied.
Thar war my wiist enemy, watin' for me to giv him a tlnisher,
an' / cuddent git at him. I'd cummense unscrewin' leg —
here cum bar — vim — cochunk — he'd fall out of reach — and,
Doc, / cuddent (fit to him. I kept workin' my body round, ^^o
as to unscrew the leg, and keep the bar off till I cood 'com-
plish it. wlien jes as 1 tuk the last turn, and got loose from
the j^esky thing, here cum bar, moi'e venimous than ever, and
I nude tliat war deatli to one out, and comin' shortly. I let
him get close, an' then cum down with a perfect tornado on
his head, as I thought ; but the old villain had learnt the
dodge — the barrel jes struck him on the side of the head, and
glanst oil', slinging itself out of my hands 'bout tvcenty feet
'mongst the thick cane, and thar 1 war in a fix sure. Bar
but little hurt — no gun — no knife — no dogs — no frens — no
chance to climli — aii' onhj one lerj that cood run. Doc, I jes
cummenst makin' pologies to ole Master, when an idee struck
me. Doc, did you ever see a piney woods nigger pullin' at a
sassafras root 't or a suckin' pig in a tater patch after the big
yams? You has! Well, you can 'magin how I iurkt at that
wndden leg, for it war the last of pea-time with me, sure, it'
I didn't rise 'fore bar did. At last they both cum up, 'bout
the same time, arid I braced myself for a death struggle.

"Weiital! round that holler! I'usi I'd toiler bar and
tlien bar would chase me ! I'd make a lick, he'd fend oft", and
showin' a set of teeth that no doctor, 'cept natur, had ever
wurkt at, cum tearin' at me ! AVc both 'gan to git tired, I
heard the boys and do-^s cumin', so did bar. and we were both
anxshus to bring the thing to a close 'fore they cum up,
though 1 wuddcnt tliought they were intrudin' ef they had
come up some time afore.

"I'd worn the old leg pretty well off to the second jint,
Avhen, jest 'fore I made a lick, the noise of the boys and dogs
cummin' sorter confused bar, and he made a stumble, an'
bein' off his guard I got a fair lick ! The way that bar's flesh
giv in to the soft impresshuns of that leg war an honour to
the mederkal ])crfeshun for having invented sicli aweepun!
I hollered — but vou have heerod me holler an' I won't de-

)ral\ in'
^ striiv
ler too
High 1
int. 1
m too,
.d, and,
litC'iied.
inislicr,

' Ics-
1 — and,

und, f^o
d 'com-
<e from
rer, ai\d
, I let
lado on
rnt the
Bad, and
nty foot
•e. 13ai'
ens — no
)e, I jcH
e strni'k
lin' at a
the big
at that
sure, it'
.p, 'bout
le.

Ibar and
ott', and
ad ever
tired, 1
Te both
um'u]),
Ihey had

Ind jint,
Ind dog!4
Ible, an'
Ir's ih^^^i
In our to
Iveepun !
lou't de-

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

131

scribe it — I had "whipped a bar in a fair hand to hand figlit — ■
nie, an old, siekly, one-legged bar-hunter! Tlic boys eumup,
and when they seed the ground we had fit over, they swin'o
thev would hav tliought, 'stead of a bar-llglit, lliat I had been
futtin' cane and deadenin' timber for a corn-patch, tlio sile
war so worked up, they then handed mo a knife to linish the
work.

"Doc, les licher, it's a dry talk — when will vou make mo
another leg? for bar-meat is not over plenty in the cabin,
and I feel like tryin' another ! "

XXIV.

COLONEL Crockett's ride on the b.vck of a buffalo.

About ten years ago I fell in with a camp of Kon7,as, a
good piece oft' the north fork of the Canadian, 'iho Injuns a
kyind a sorter give me a sorter tanyard grin, and the old
chief specially puckered up his pictur like a green ])ersim-
nion ; but there were three raal roarers from Salt Jiiver with
me, so I didn't care a picayoon if it cum to skulpin. ]5esides
1 was tetotaciously tired, and I slepp so sound that I wisli my
rifle may hang fire for ever if I don't think it would have
took something rougher than an earthquake to wake me. So
1 lay till after daylite, and then one of me comrades shook
iiie, to tell me the Injun boys had found a huraah's neest. I
took up old Kill-devil, and out I went, and about a hundred
yards from the camp there war an old bufl'alo bull with a
hundred little screeching imps about him, with their bows
nnd arroAvs. They'd stu.-k so many arrows in him that ho
looked as thorny as a honey locus or a porkypine ; but they
hadn't got deep enough to touch the rite spot. Pirst the old
Turk would go arter one fi'li chi/.zle ; but tlien another
would stick an arro into his posterity, saving your presence,
and round he would turn and arter the little torment like an
ate-ho'se baggage waggin. I railly pitied the old cretur, and
sez I, '• It are railly a shame to let this uncircumcised Fillistin
defy the army of Israel in this ridiculous Avay. I'll let him
know there's a warrant out arter him," and I wur gwine to
blaze away; but an old Injun kort mo elbow, and axed me if
it Avere the way in Kentuck to hinder the children from
having a little dust of diversion that did no harm to no one.

132

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" Truth are the truth," sez I, " if an Injun do epcak it,
and my sarvis to vou for the com])]emont."

After a wile the old devil's baby of a bull laid down, for
he'd lost a purty smart chance of blood, and what doz one of
the b'ys do, but f^its astraddle on his back. The way he riz
up warn't slow, and oif he sot as if the prairie were afire be-
hind him. I've a notion the b'y never rode so sharp a rail
before as tliat bull's hump.

The old Injun the b'y belonged to wur as white as a lump
of chalk for fear his by would be killed, and he bangs away at
the bull and hits him in the belly, for he wur afraid of break-
ing the b y's leg if he squinted at the heart. That maid the
cretur as ugly as a copperhead in July, and he takes artcr
the old hero like a whole team of thunderbolts.

" llun ! run, father ! " screeches the young varmint to the
old one, " or I'll be down on ye like a falling star," and I
begun to see the old one was in danger pretty considerably
much.

ISo I sung out to the b'y to raze his leg, cause it kivered
the critter's heart, and I wish I may be shot if he didn't do it
as cool as if I held the breech of the ritle at him and not the
muzzle, but that's the nature of an Injun. Bang goes old
Kill-devil and down comes old bull-beef; but the b'y couldn't
Avalk for a week, and he kyind of thort he'd never ride bair-
backed on a buffalo agin, without he seed some special 'casiou.

XXV.

COLONEL CROCKETT S ADVENTURE WITH A GRIZZLY BEAR.

Tou may say what you please, and be hanged to you, Mr
Stranger, about your hannycondy, the great terrificacious
sarpint of yeelon, in South Amei'iky, and your rale Bengal
tiger from Afriky. Both on 'em heated to a white heat, and
welded into one, would be no part of a priming to a grizzly
bear of the Eocky Mountains. He'd chaw up your roo-
uosseros, and your lion, and your tiger, as small as cut to-
bacco, for breakfast, and pick his teeth with the bones. The
cretnr's rale grit, and don't mind fire no more than sugar
plums, and none of your wild beastesses can say that for
themselves. I've killed one or two on 'em myself, which ar
not a thing many suckers can boast on, tho' they are pretty

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

133

9U, Mr

acious
Bengal
at, and
n-rizzly
roo-
ut to-
Tho
sugar
lat for
ich ar
pretty

prood at PoalpiiiG; Injuns, I was del io;lit fully nkocrrd hy tlio
fust I ever saw — no, that ar a lie, tho' I yay it my.self:
DavY Croekett was never skecred by anvthiiu' but a female
woman ; but; it ar a fact that I war tetotaciouHly consarned
for my life.

You see it war when I war younnj T went to massaere tho
buffaloes on the head of Little Great Small Deep Shallow Bic;
Muddy Eiver, with my nigger b'y Doughboy, what I give
tliree hundred doUirs for. I'd been all day, till now, vaga-
bondizing; about the prairie, without seeing an atom of a
buHalo, when I seed one g;razing in the rushes, on the edge
of a pond, and a crusty old batcheldcr he was. lie war a
thousand year old at least, for his hide were all kivered with
skars, and he had as much beard as would do all the dandies
I've seen in Broadway for whiskers and miistashes a hull
year. His eyes looked like two holes burnt in a blanket, or
two bullets llred into a stump ; and I sec he was a cross can-
tankerous feller, what coodent have no cumfort of his life
bckays he war 1 oo quarrelsome. If there's ennything Davy
Crockett's remarkable for, it's for his tender feelings, speshally
toward dum creturs ; and I thort it v ould be a marcy to take
away his life, seeing it war onny a torment to him, and he
hadent no right to live, nohow. So I creeps toward him
like a garter snake through the grass, tralcin Kill-devil arter
me. I war a going to tickle him a little about the short ribs,
jest to make him i'eel amiable, when out jumps a great bear,
as big as Kongress Hall, out of the rushes, and lights upon
the old Jew like a grey-winged plover. He only hit him one
blow, but that Avar a side winder. I wish I may be kicked
to death by grasshoppers, if he didn't tare out five of his
ribs, and laid his heart and liver all bare. I kinder sorter
pitted the old feller when I see him brought to such an un-
timely eend, and I didn't somehow think the bear done the
thing that war right, for I always does my own skr.lping, and
no thanks to interlopers. So, sez I,

"I'm a civil man, Mr Bear, saving your presence, and I
won't come for to go to give you no insolations language ;
but I'll thank you, when we meet again, not to disremcmber
the old saying, but let every man skin his own shunks."

And with that I iusinnivated a ball slap through hiti
hart.

By the ghost of the great mammoth of Big Bone Licks,
your'd have thort, by the way he nashed his teeth, I'd a
spoken sumthing onpleasant to him. His grinders made a
noise jest as if all creation war sharpeniiig cross-cut saws by

l.?l

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Htoam-powcr, mid lie war Jown upon me like the whole Mis-
Kouri on a sand-bur.

Tlicro'.s no more back out in Davy Crockett than thar ar
p;o-alu'iul with the Jiunkcr Hill Monument, and so I pfive hiru
a so<;d()]oj;(!r over his coi'O-nut with the barrel of old Kill-
devil that sot him a konsiderinf:^, and he ihort bettor on it,
and sot oil' after l)or.p;hboy as if the devil had kicked him on
eend. It's true J)()U^hl)oy slipped a ball into his amj^ersand
jest as 1 struci him; but that war not what turned him; 1
fjjriiiued him out a countenance, so he tlun-t it war safer to
make his breakl'ast on Douf^hboy than me, which war a thino^
oncreditable to his taste, seeing I war a white num and he

only a ni;j;i2,er.

AV'^ell, 1 hadn't time to load my iron before he pjathered
upon Doughboy like a Yir<^inny blood mear, and the niLri2;er
^ive himself u]) for a gone h'ucker, and fainted away. The
bear got up to him jest as I war putting down my ball, and 1
expected to see him swaller the b'y without greasing; but ho
no sooner smelt of him thnn he turned up liis nose in disgust,
as Isaac Hill did when IMr Upham hosswijjt him, .ind run
away howling as if his delicacy was hugaceously shocked.

l^y this time I felt most inticingly wolfy and savagerous,
and 1 jest giv him a hint that no man could neglect that ir
war best to turn in his tracks, and I waited for him jest on
the edge of Little Gi'cat Small Dee]) Shallow liig !^Iuddy.
lie pitched inter me like the piston of a steam-injun, and we
both rolled into the drink together. Onluckily for him 1
didn't lose holt of Kill-devil, and when he raised his head and
tried to get over his astonishment, J clapt the barrel right
across his neck to shove his visnomy under water. I'll be
shot with a packsaddle without benefit of clargy if the ridicu-
lous fool didn't help me himself, for he chipped both hands
on the eends of the barrel and pulled away as if it war a
pleasure to him. I had nuthing to do but hold on to the
stock and lloat alongside of him till he war drowned.

Don't you come for to say I'm telling the least of a lie,
for every fool knows a grizzly bear M'ill live an hour with a
ball through his heart, if so be he's onuy mad cnutf.

135

le Mis-

Huir ar
ivc liiiii
(1 Kill-
on it,
liiiii on
)ersaii(l
liiiu ; 1
albr to
a till 11 E^
and lie

nthorod
iiiLrt^cp
r. 'The
], and I
but ho
ilisgust,
nd run

i<^erous,

that it

jest on

Muddy.

and Avo

liiin I

id and

riglit

ril be

•idlen-

bands

•,var a

to tlic

a lie,
with a

XXVI.

COLONEL CROCKETT, THE BEAU AND THE SWALLOWS.

People tell a j]jreat many silly stories about swallows.
Some say that if you kill one your cows will p;ive liloody milk,
aiul others tell as how they lly away in the i'all and come back
n,i,'ain in the spriiitj^, when the leavjs of the white oaks are jest
as bijj^ as a mowses ear. Aiiin, tliar ar some that tell how
tlioy keej) Cliristiiias and Xew Team's amoii^ the little lishes,
at the bottom of some jiond; but you may tell all them tliat
soz so they arc dratted i'ools, and don't know nothing about
tlio matter. >SwallowH sleep all winter in the holler of some
old rotten sycamore, and I'll tell you how 1 come to find it
out.

I war out airly in the s]UMnp^ with my vifle on the banks
of the Tennessee, making up my oj)ini(ni about malters and
things in general, when all of a sudden 1 heard a chi}) of
thunder, and that sot me a thinking. " Xoav," se/, I, "if I
Avar to go home and tell of that, the boys would think me a
liar, if they didn't dare to call me so; for who ever heard of
such a thing as thunder under a clear sky of a briglit s])riiig
day!" j!\nd with that I looked uj), and agin 1 heerd the
thiiiidcr, but it war not thunder anyhow I could lix it ; for a
hull swarm of swallors came bodily out of an old hollow syca-
more, and it war the noise they made with the Happing of
their wings.

Xow 1 thought to myself that them ar little varmints war
doing some mischief in the tree, and that it war my duty to
see into it; for you see just then 1 I'clt hugeously grandiier-
ous; for the nabors liad made me a .lust us Pease. 8o I cut
down a saplin' with iny knife, and set it agin the tree, and
dim' up like a squirrel; for you know a sycamore has a
smooth bark. As I war bending over the edge of the lioUer
to look down, the sajiplin' broke under me, and trying to
catch at something 1 lost my balance, and fell down into the
tree head-foremost. AVhen J got 1o the bottom 1 found my-
self a little the nastiest critter ever you saw, on account of
the swallows' dung, and how to get out I didn't know; for
the hole war deep, and when I looked up 1 could see the stars
out of the top. Presently I put my hand into something as
soft as a feather-bed, and I heerd an awful growling. But it
war only an old bar I woke out of his winter nap, and 1 out
butcher to see which war the ho.it man. Put the kritter war

13G

TRAITS OF AMEJilCAN IIUMOUI!.

dean nmnzod, and Hconicd to lilvO my room bctior than my
company, and made a bolt to get out of the scrape most cow-
ardly.

" JFollo, Ktrani2:or ! " hcz I ; " wo don't part company witli-
out having a fair sliake for a fite ; " and so, Having your pre-
sence, 1 clcndicd hold both his post critics. But finding the
hair Avar like to give way, I got hold of his stump of a tnil
with my teeth, and then I liad hiui fast enough. But si ill
he kept on clinring up the holler, and I begun to sorter like
the idee; for you know lie couldn't get up without pulling
me up arter him. So when he begun to get tired, I quick-
ened his |)ace with an awful fundamental poke with my
butcher, jest by way of a genlle hint. Bel'orc long we got to
the top of thii tree, and then I got to the ground quicker
tliun he did, seeing he come down tale foremust, I got iiiy
shooting iron to he ready for him. ]]i.t he kinder seemed to
got ciiough of my coni])any, and went oif squeeling as if s n"'-
thing ailed hh liinder parts, which .1 thougl.t a kind of cu-
rious ; for I've no opinion of a fellow that will take a kick,
much less such usage as 1 give him. However, I let him go,
for it would be onmanly to b i onthankful for the sarvis ho
done me, and for all 1 know he's alive yet. And it war no:
the only thing 1 had to tlnink him for, I had a touch of the
toothache before, and the bite I got at his tall cu/ed me en-
tirely. I've never had it since, and 1 can recommend it to ali
people that has the toothache to chew two inches of a hears
tail. It's a sartin cure. Thar ar a wicked sight of vartuo
in bear's grease, as I know by my own experience.

XXVII.

A PRETTY PREDICA:*iENT

AVhen T was a big boy, that had jist begun to go a galling,
I got astray in the Avoods one arternoon ; and being Avandcr-
ing about a good deel, and got pretty consiaerable soaked ly
a grist of rain, I sot down on to a stump, r.nd begun to aatIh^'
out my leggiji's, aiid shalve i/he drops olt" of my raccoon cap.

AVhilst I Avas on the stump, I got kiu'l of sleepy, and sc
laid my hea(' back in the croich of a young tree that growcl
behind me, and shot up my eyes. 1 had laid out of doors iVi*
many a night before, Aviiii a sky blanket over mc — so I got to

■: ;r^,

mn inv
ist cow -

ly "svilli-
ur pri-

t* a tail
tut still
tjr likf
pulliiiL-;
'. quiok-
itli my
o got to
quicker
fTot inv
cnicd 1o
if t- mc-
(1 of cii-
a kick,
; liiui <r(i,
arvis lie
■vvar HOT
h of tlio
mo cn-
it to all
a l)ear"s
vartuo

TRAITS OF AMERICAN niJMOUR.

1 "^7

p:allin,!?,
wander-
aked ly
to wriu^'
|.n cap.
and so
groNved
[oor.s i'cr
[l got to

sleep pretty soon, and fell to snoring most beautiful. So
8()inelu)w, or somehow else, I did not wake till near sundown ;
and I don't know when I should have waked, had it not been
for somebody tugging at my hair. As soon as 1 felt this,
though I wan't more than half awake, I ])egun to feel to see
if my thum' nail was on, as that was all the ammunition 1
had about mc. I lay still, to see what the feller would bo at.
The tirst idee T had was that a ciissed Ingun was fixing to
take off my scalp ; so I thought I'd wait till 1 begun to feel
the pint of his knife scraping against the skin, and then I
should have full proof agin him, and could jerk out his cop-
per-coloured liver with the law all on my side. At last I felt
such a hard twitch, that I roared right out, but when I found
my head was squeezed so tight in the crotch that I could not
get it out, I felt like a gone sucker. I felt raal ridiculous, I
can assure you ; so I began to talk to the varmint, and tolled
liim to help me get my head out, like a num, and 1 would give
him five dollars before 1 killed him.

At last my hair begun to come out by the roots, and then
I Avas mad to be took advantage of in that wa}-. I swore at
the varmint, till the tree shed all its leaves, and the shv
tunied yaller. So, in a few minutes, J hecrd a voice, and
then a gall cum running up, and axed what was the matter.
bhe soon saw what was to pay, and tolled ma that the eagles
were tearing out my hair to build nests with. ] tolled her I
had endured more than a dead possum could stand already,
and that if she would drive off the eagles, I would make her
a present of an iron comb.

"That I will," says she; "tor I am a she steam-boat, and
have doubled up a crocodile in my day,"

So she pulled up a small sapling by the roots, and went to
work as if she hadn't another minnit to live. She knocked
down tAvo of the varmints, and screamed the rest out of
!^]ght. Then I tolled her the predicament I was in ; and she
-Slid she would loosen the hold that the crotch had on mv
head. So she took and reached out her arn. into a rattle-
f^nake's hole, and pulled out three or four of them. She tied
'cm awl together, and made a strong rope out of 'em. She
tied one eend of the snakes to t^.e top of one branch, and
pulled as if she was trying to haul the multiplication table
apart The tightness about my head begun to be diflerent
altogether, and I hauled oiit my cocoa-nut, though I left a
piece of one of my ears behind.

As soon as I was clear, I could not tell which way to look
fur the sun, and I was afeared I should fail into ti'e sky, for

138

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

1 (lid Tiot linow wliicli way was up, and wlu'cli way wa« down.
Then 1 looked at the ^all that had j^ot me loose — slie was a
Hlra])per: sIk^ was as tall as a sapling and had an arm like a
heel hoat's tiller. So 1 looked at her like all wrath, and as
(slie cum down IVom the tree, I nays to her,

" I wish I may he utterly onswo«j[p;led it' T don't know how
to hate ail Jn,u;nn or love a ji^al as well as any he this side <»}'
roarinij; river. 1 fell in love with three ;j,als at onee at a Iol^
ro]lin<jj, and as for tea scjualLs my heart never shut ])an for a.
minnit at a time; so if you will marry me 1 will forgive the
tree and the ea;;les for your sake."

Then the turned as white an an ei^rc-shell and I seed that
her heart wat-:' bustin<jj, and I run up to her, like a s(juiriel to
liis hole, and t:ave her a buss that sounded louder than n
musket. So her spunk was all gone, and she took my aiiu
as tame as a pigeon, and we eut out for her father's housr.
She eoini)lained that 1 hung too heavy on her arm, for i was
em'rmost used up after laying so long between the branelu^s.
{So she took u]) a stone that would weigh about iifty pound,
and put it in her pofket on the other side to balance agin my
weight, and so she moved along as upright as a steamboat.
{She told me that her Hunday bonnet was a hornet's nest
garnished with wolves' tails and eagles' feathers, and that slie
wore a bran new goun, made of a whole bear's-hide, the t;;il
f^erving for a train. {She said she could drinlc of the br:iii;:i
"without a cup, could shoot a wild goose Hying, and wade the
Miississippii without wetting herself. IShe said she could not
play on the piane, nor sing like a nightingale, but she could
outscream a catamount and jump over her own shadow ; she had
good strong horse . ense and new a woodchu(dc from a skmik.
{^o I was pleased with her, and ollered her all my plunder if
^]\G would let me split the difference and call her Mrs Crockett.

She kinder said she must insult her father before slio
went so fur as to marry. So she took me into another room
to introduce me to another beau that she had. lie was i-ct-
ting on the edge of a grind-stone at the back part of the room
with his heels on the mantel-i)iece ! He had the skull-bone
of a catamount for a snuli-box, and he was dressed like he
had been used to seeing hard times. 1 got a side squint into
one of his pockets, and saw it was full of eyes that had
been gouged from people of my acc[uaintance. I knew my
jig was up, for Buch a feller could outcourt me and I tliort
the gal brot me in on proppus to have a fight. So I tui'iutl
off, and threatened to call agin ; and I cut through the bushes
like a pint of whiskey among forty men.

1.19

e wiis a
II liki! a
, and as

low liow
1 side (»!'
at a \o*f
an I'or a
■give the

cod lliat
niriol to
[• than a
my arm
's house,
for I Avas
jranelios.
y pound,
! i\um my
:eaniboat.
ict's nest
that she
, the tr.il
e brnu;-:!
svade tlie
ould not
ihe could
; slie had
a skunk,
imdci" if
.'roekclt.
fore she
lier rooDi
was net-
he room
kull-bone
like he
lint into
:hat had
laiew mv
I tliort
turned
le bubhes

XXVIII.

THE EDITORS CREED.

He talvcs up the crook, not that the slieop may be fed,
1 111 that ho may never want a warm woollen suit and a joint
of mutton.

For which reason I would derive the name editor not so
Diuch from <'do, to publish, as from edo, to eat, that being the
peculiar profession to which Iv^ esteems himself called. Ho
i'lows up the flames of ])olilical discord for no other occasion
llian that he may thereby handily boil his own pot. 1 believe
ihere are two thousand of these mutton-loving shepherds in
the United states, and of these, liow numy have even the
dimmest perception of their immense power, and the duties
conseciuent thereon? Wi^r^i and there, haply, one. Xino
liundred and ninety-nine labour to impress upon the ])eo|)bi
tlic great principles of Tirccdlcdum, and other nine hundred
and ninety-nine preach with equal earnestness the doeU'ines
according to Ticeedledce.

I du believe in Freedom's cause,

Ez fur away ez I'aris is ;
I love to see her stick her claws

In them infarnal Pharisees;
It's wal enough agin a king

To dror resolves an' triggers. — ■
But libbaty's a kind o' thing

That don't agree with niggers,.

I du believe the people wank

A tax on teas an' coifees,
Thet nothin' aint extravygunt, —

Purvidin' I'm in olllce;
Fer I liev loved my country sencci

My eye-teeth filled their soekei.-^.
An' Uncle Sam I reverence,

Partic'larly his pockets.

I du believe in am/ plan

O' levyin' the taxes,
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,

I git jest wut I axes :

TRAITS OF AMF.UICAN TIIIMOUR.

I ^o rroo-tra<lo llirii thick an' tliin,

Ik'c.'uiso it kind o' rouses
The folks to vote, — an' keeps us ia

Our quiet custom-houses.

I (111 believe it's wise an' p^ood

To Hen' out f'urrin missions,
Tliet is, on sartin understood

An' orthydox conditions; —
I mean niii(> thouHan' dolls, per nnn.,

Jsiiie thonsan' more fer outKt,
An' me to recommend a man

The placo 'ould jest about fit.

I dii believe in special ways

O' pray in' an' convartin' ;
T]h» l)read comes back in many days,

An' buttered, tu, fer sartin ; —
I mean in ])reyin' till one busts

On wui the party chooses,
Aji' in convartni' public trusts

To \cvy privit uses.

I du believe hard coin the stuff

Y(iv 'lectioneers to spout on ;
The people's oilers soft enough

To make hard money out on ;
Dear Uncle !Sam pervides fer his,

An' gives a good-sized junk to all, —
I don't care Jioiv hard money is,

Ez long ez mine's paid punctooal.

I du believe with all my soul

In the gret Press's freedom,
To pint the people to the goal

An' in the traces lead 'em ;
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes

At my fat contracts squintin',
An' withered be the nose thet pokes

Inter the gov'ment printin' !

I du believe thet I should give

Wut's his'n unto Ca?sar,
Per it's by him I move an' live,

Prum him my bread an' cheese air ;

TIUITS OF AMKUICAN IIIIMOUU,

I (hi bcliovo thot all o' mo

Doth h(»iir his Houperscriptidn, —

"Will, I'onsi-ienco, honour, honesty,
An' things o' thet desiription.

I (111 believe in prayer an' praise

To hini thet he/- the tyrant in'
O' jobs, — in everythin' thet ])ayH,

But most ot'all in Cantin' ;
Tliis doth my cup with niarcios till,

This lays all thou<j;ht o' sin to rest —
1 don't believe in princerple,

But, O, I du in interest.

I du believe in bein' this

Or thet, ez it may happen
One way or t'other hendiest is

To ketch the people nappin' ;
It ain't by princerpies nor men

My preudunt course is steadiisl, —
I scent which pays the best, an' then

Go into it bald headed.

I du believe thet holdin' slaves

Comes nat'ral tu a Presidunt,
Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves

To hev a wal-broke precedunt ;
i'er any oilice, small or jn;ret,

I couldn't ax with no face,
Without I'd ben, thru dry an' wet,

Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface.

I du believe wutever trash

'11 keep the people in blindness, —
That we the Mexicuns can thrash

Eight inter brotherly kindness,
Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball

Air good- will's strongest magnets,
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,

Must be druv in with bagnets.

In short. I firmly du believe
In Humbujj: ceneral

'r-> (-1^

illy

Fer it's a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally j

112

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Tliis lioth my faithful leader ben,
To browsinc; .ssveet hctli lod mc,

An' thi^i '11 keep the people green
To feed cz they hev fed mc.

XXIX.

JOSH beanpole's courtship.

" Mother ! " exclaimed Jo.sh Beanpole, " Mother, I say. I
feel all ovcx" in a twitleration like. Huh ! huh ! "VVho'cl
have thought it ? "

"What ails yo. Josh?" asked the old woman, stoppi,,'
lier spinning-wheel at this exclamation. " AVhat bug has bit
you now ? "

" Can't tell," said Josh, in a drooping, dolorous tone, and
hanging his head as if he had been caught stealing a sheep.

"Can't tellr" said Mrs Beanpole, turning quite round,
and giving Josh a wondering stare. " Can't tell? what docs
the critter mear ^ "

""Who'd ha' thought it ? " repeated Josh, fumbling in his
jjockets, t kvisting round his head and rolling up his eyes in
a fashion most immensely sheepish. — " Hannah Downer jj
courted ! "

Here Josh shuffled himself awkwardly into the settle in
the chimney corner, and sunk upon one side, fixi.ig his eyes
Avith a most ludicro-dismal s(|uint upon the lower extremity
of a pot-hook that hung at the end of the crane.

"Courted!" c.vclaimed Mrs Beanpole, not exactly coni-
];rc'hending the state of h'^r son's intellectuals. " Well—
what's all thr»" when it's fried? "

" Arter sr many pails of water as I've pumped for her."
said Josh in a dismal whine,—" for to go for to let herself to
be courted by another feller ! "

" Here's a to-do ! " ejaculated the old woma^i,

"It's tarnation all over!" said Josh, beginning a bohUr
lone as he found his mother coming to an underst".nding td'
the matter. "It makes me crawl all over to think oii't.
Didn't I wait on her three times to singing school ? Hadn't
I e'en a most made up my mind to break the ice, and tell her
I shouldn't wonder if I had a sneakin' notion arter some-
body's Hannah ? I should ha' been reg'lar .courting in Icsd

(. <

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

1!:]

r, I sav. I
! Wliu'u

ig has bit

tone, and
a shec]).
te rouiul,
rvliat docs

in Of ill his
s eyes in
Downers

settle in

liis eyes

extremity

ctly eom-
' Well-

for her,"
lerself U)

a bolder

vnding c''

ink on'l.

Hadn't

d tell her

er smno-

liT iu Icsd

than a month —and Feet Spinbutton has cut me out — as sliidv
as a whistle!"

" Pcet ISpinbutton ! " said the old woman, '"well, I want
to know ! "

" Darn his eyes ! " exclaimed Josh.

" Peet Spinbutton ! " repeated Mrs Beanpole ; *' what, th(^
ensign of the Dogtown Blues ? that great lummokin' feller ! "

"Darn him to darnation! " exclaimed Josh, catching hold
of the toast-iron as if he meant to lay about him, " to cut iu
afore me in that ere sort o' way ! "

j\[r8 Beanpole caught Josh by the arm, exclaiming,

" Josh ! Joshy ! Joshy ! what are you about ? Peet Spin-
button ? I don't believe it."

"What!" said Josh, "didn't I hear with my own ear^;,
last niixht that ever was, Zeb Shute tell me all about it? "

" Zeb Sliute ! well, what did Zeb Shute say? "

" Why, says he to me,

" ' Josh,' says he, ' what do you think ? ' says ho.

" ' I don't know, no n't I,' says I.

" * Toll you what,' says he, 'that 'ere IFaniiah Downer — '

'"AVhat of Hannah Downer?' says 1, fur I begun to
crawl all over.

" ' Tell ye what,' says he ; ' she's a whole team.'

'■ 'Ah,' says I, ' she's a whole team, and a horse to let.'

'"Tell ye what,' says he, 'guess somebody has a sneakin'
notion that wav.'

" ' Shouldn't wondci',' says I, feelin' all over in a flustni-
tion, thinkin' he meant me.

" ' Tell ye what,' says he, ' guess Pcet Spinbutton and
she's pretty thick together.'

'"How you talk!' says I.

" ' Pact,' savs he.

"'Well, I never!' savs I.

" ' Tell ye what,' says'he. No, that's all he said."

" Pooh ! " said the old woman, " it's all wind, Joshy ; it';;
nothing but Zeb Shuto's nonsense."

"Do you think so ? " exclaimed Josh, with a stare of un-
conmion animation, and his mouth wide o])en.

"No doubt on't, Joshy, my boy," replied she, "for Peggy
Downer was here ye-sterday forenoon, to borrow a cup of
starch, and she never mentioned the leastest word about it
mider the light of the livin' sun."

"H'l was only sure of that ! " said Josh, laying down tlio
toast-iron and sticking: his knuckles into his ri'dit eve.

" Joshy, my boy," said the old woman, " 1 Jon't believe

114 TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ITannah Downer ever gin Peet Spinbutton the leastest en-
coiira<j;ei)iojit in the univerHal world."

" Think so ? " asked Josh, setting his elbows on his knees,
his chin in his fists, and fixini« his eyes vacantly downwaid
in an angle of forty-five degrees, as if in intense admiration
of the back-log.

*' I'll tell you vrhat, Joshy," said Mrs Eeanpole, in a
motherly tone, " do you just put on your go-to-meetin' i>uit,
and go to see Hannah this blessed night."

" Eh ! " exclaimed Josh, starting from his elbows at tiio
astounding boldness of the suggestion, and gaziiig straight
up the chimney. " Do you think she'd let me ? "

" Nothin' like tryin', Joshy ; must be a first time. Be-
sides, the old folks are going to lecture, Hannah'll be all
iilone — hey ! Joshy, my boy ! Nothin' like tryin'."

" Eh ! eh ! " said Josh, screwing himself all up in a heap
and staring most desperately at the lower button of his own
waistcoat — for the thoughts of actually going a courtinj^
came over him in a most alarming fashion ; " would ve
though, mother ? Hannah's a nice gal, but somehow or
other I feel i)laguy queer about it."

" Oh, that's quite naiteral, Joshy ; when you once get a
goin' it be nothin' at all."

" Higgle, giggle, giggle," said Josh, making a silly, sput-
tering kind of laugh, " that's the very thing I'm afraid of,
that 'ere gettin' a goin'. Hannah Downer is apt to be tarna-
tion smart sometimes ; and I've hearn tell that courtin' is the
hardest thing in the world to begin, though it goes on so
slick arterwards."

"Nonsense, Josh, you silly dough-head; it's only saying
two words, and it all goes as straight as a turnpike."

" By the hokey ! " said Josh, rolling up his eyes and
giving a punch with his fist in the air, " I've an all- fired mind
to try it though ! "

.losh and his mother held a much longer colloquy upon
the matter, the result of which was such an augmentation of
his courage for the undertaking, that the courtship was ab-
solutely decided upon; and just ifter dark, Josh gave lii^
tace a sound scrubbing wdth soapsuds, drew forth his Sunday
pantaloons, which were of the brightest cow-colour, and attcr
a good deal of labour, succeeded in getting into them, his Ici^s
being somewhat of the longest, and the pantaloons as tigiit
as a glove, so that on seeing him fairly incased, it was sou.c-
what of a puzzle to guess how he could ever get out of tlicin.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

11.

est en-

i knees,
kViiNvard
liratiou

e, in a

in' suit,

, at tlie

straight

le. Be-
1 be all

I a "heap
his own
courtiiij:;
tTould ye
leliow or

ce get a

lly, spiit-

fraid of,

16 tarna-

in' is the

les on so

[y saying

jyes and
L-ed mind

|uy upon^

Itatioii of
was nh-

gave lii^
Sunday

lind after

liis lei;s

as tii^^lit

IS son.e-

ot' tliem.

A flnmin^ red "waistcoat, and a p;rcy coat -witli broad pewter
buttons, set off his fiirure to the o:reatest advaiitai^e, to say
notliinij; of a pair of bran new cow-hide shoes. Tiieu rubhiniTj
his louijf hair with a tallow candle, and spriiihlin'j; a handful
of Indian meal by way of powder, he twisted it behind witii
a leather strini]^ into a formidable '■]ueiie, whicdi he drew so
tight that it was with the greatest dilliculry he could shut
his eyes; but this gave him but little concern, as he was de-
termined to be wide awake thnnigh the whole ail'air. Being
all equipt, he mounted Old Blueberr3^ and set otV at an easy
trot, which very soon fell into a walk, for the rearer Josh ^
a|)]).' ached the dwelling of his Dulcinea, the more the
thought of his gi-eat undertaking overpowered him.

.losh rode four times ronnd the houso before he fnind
coui'age to aligbt; at length he made a desperate ell'ort and
pulled up under the lee side of the barn, where be dis-
mounted, tied his horse, and approached the house with fear
iiiid trembling. At two rods distance he slopped short.
There was a dead silence, and he stood in awfid irresolution.
All at once a terrible voice, close at hand, caused him to start
with great trepidation: — it was nothing but a couple of tur-
keys who had set up a gobbling from their roost on the top
of the barn. Josh looked up, and beheld, by the light of the
moon, the old turkey cosily perched by the side of his nuite;
the sight was overpowering. "Ah! happy, happy turkey ! "
he mentally ex(daimed, and ttirned about to proceed uj) the
yard, but the next moment felt a violent cut across tlic
broadest part of his nose. He started baek again, but dis-
covered it to be only a clothes-line which he had run against.
— "The course of true love never did run smooth." ][c
went fearfully on, thinking of the connubial felicities of the
turkey tribe, and the perils of clothes-lines, till he found
himself at the door, where he stood fifteen minutes undeter-
mined what to do ; and if he had not bethought himself of
the ])recaution of peeping in at the window, it is doubtful
whether he would have mustered the courage to enter. ]kit
peep he did, and spied Hannah all alone at her knitting-
work. This sight emboldened him, and he bolted in without
knocking.

AVhat precise sort of compliments Josh made use of in
introducing himself, never could he discovered, for Josh
laboured under such a confusion of the brain at tlie time,
that he lost all recollection of what ]iassed till he found him-
self seated in a tlag-bottomed chair with a most uncomfort-

IIG

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

al)ly (loop liollow in it. lie lookod up, and aoiunlly snw
nnnnali witting in the cliimuey corner knitting a pepper-anJ-
^alt stocking.

" Quite industrious to-night," said .Tosh.

" Don't know that," replied Hannah.

"Sure on't," returned Josh. "Guess nov.' you've knit
from four to six pearl at the lowest calculation."

" Shouldn't Avonder," replied Hannah.

" Tarnation ! " said Josh, pretending to be struck with nd-
miration at the exploit, though he knew it was uotliing lu
boast of

" How's your mother, Josh ? " asked Hannah.

" Pretty considerable smart, Hannah ; how's your mo-
ther?"

" So, so," replied Hannah ; and here the conversation
came to a stand.

Josli fumbled in his pockets and stuck his legs out till
they reached nearly across the room, in hopes to think of
something more to say ; but in vain. He then scratched his
head, but there appeared to be nothing in it.

" Is't possible," thought he, " that I'm actually liere a
courting? "

He could harrlly believe it, and began to feel very awk-
ward.

" I swow ! " he exclaimed, opening his eyes as wide as he
could.

" What's the matter? " asked Hnnnah, a little startled.

" Cotch a 'tarnal great musquash this forenoon."

Ah ! " said Hannah, " how big was it ? "

" Big as all out-doors ! "

" Lawful heart ! " exclaimed Hannah.

Josh now felt a little more at his ease, finding the miis-
qunsh helped him on so bravely. He hitched his chnir about
seven feet at a single jerk, nearer to Hannnh, and exclaimed,

" Tell ye what, Hannah, I'm all creation for catching
musquashes."

" Well, I Avant to know! " replied Hannah.

Josh twisted his eyes into a squint, and gave her a look
of melting tenderness. Hannah perceived it, and did not
know whether to laugh or be scared ; so, to compromise tlio
mntter, she pi'otended to be taken with a fit of coughing;.
Josh felt his heart begin to beat, and was fully convinced lie
was courting, or something very like it ; but what to do next
was the question.

" Shall I kiss her ? " thought he. " Xo, no, it's a Jeetle

cla

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

147

•-ainl-

! knit

ih n li-
ng to

r mo-

[•sation

.ut till
link of
led liis

lierc a

^y aAvlc-

lo as 1k'

rtled.

c mns-

lr alxnit

lain led,

lat oiling

a look
(lid not
lise the
jugliln<j;.
lu'ed ho
Ido next

la \edh

too early for that; but I'll tell her T love her." At this
tJiought his lieart went bump ! bump I bump! hankM* than ever.

" Hannah ! " he exelaimed, in a Mjueaking voiee, and
stopped whort.

" Iley, Josh ! " said Hannah.

"Hannah, 1 — I — " he rolled up the -whites of his eyes, in
a most sup])lieating leer, but the word sluek in his throat.
Hannah looked direetly in his faee ; he was in a dreadful
puzzle what to say, for he was obliged to say sinnething.
His eye fell by aeeident on a gridiron hanging in the ehim-
nev corner :

" What a terrible crack your gridiron's got in it ! " ex-
claimed he.

" Poh ! " said Hannah.

Here the conversation came again to a d'^^d stop, for Josli
had so exhausted himself in this eifort to break the ice, that
he was not master of his faculties for several minutes ; and
when he came fairly to his senses, he found himself counting
the tickings of an old Avooden clock that stood in the corner.
He counted and counted till he had numliered three hundred
and ninety-seven ticks, when he luckily heard a cow lowing
out of doors.

" Ugh ! " said he, " Avhose cow's that ? "

"Drummer Tucker's," replied Hannah.

" Drummer Tucker's ! AVell, I want to know 1 "

This reply suggested an idea.

" Hannah," asked he, " did you ever sec a dromedary ? "

" No ; did you, Josh ? "

"No," returned Josh, "I never see nothin' in my life
but a green monkey ; and then I was a'most skeered to
death ! "

"Lawful heart! Mercy's sake!" exclaimed Hannah, and
here the conversation came to a pause again.

The longer they sat, the more awkwardly Josh found him-
self situated ; he sat bolt upright in his chair, with his knees
close together and his head stooping forward in such a man-
ner that his long queue stuck out horizontally behind, and
his eyes stuck out horizontal!}' before, like those of a lobsUr.
For several minutes he sat contem))lating the handle of the
warming-pan that hung by the side of the fire-place; and
then gradually elevating his line of visioii, came in sight of a
huge crook-wecked squash lying on the mantel-])iece. Then
he looked at Hannah, and then at the dish-cloth in the mouth
of the oven, ami from the dish-cloth nuide a transition back
to the warming-pan.

lis

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

" Court ini;'," lliouL;-lit Jifsli, " is jiwl'ul liard work." Tiio
])ers|)iralioii slood on liis JDrt'licatl, and lii.s eel-skin (jucno
pulled so light that lie 1je;;aii to I'l'ar the top of his head
was coiniuf^ oil'; but not ta word could he say. Ami just at
lliat moment a g'reen slick of wood upon the fire Ijci^an to
.siiii,^ in dismal tone, '' Que, que, 'ju.:, ([ur, quey Nothint; I'rel.s
tlie nerves more when Ji body is a little iidp;etty, than the
t^in<;in<j; and spulterinij; oi' a slick of wood. Josh felt worse
than ever, but the slick kept on: qui\ que, que, qniddle <Ig
dee, que, que, qalddledij quiddlcdy que, que, que. Josji caught
ii() the longs and gave the lire a tremendou.s poke. This ex-
ertion i>omewliat relieved him.

" JIannah ! " said he, hitching his chair a yard nearer.

"Well, Josh."

" Now," Ihought Josh, " I ivin tell I love her."

" Hannah," said lu^ again, "I—" He blared so wildly
and made such a horrible grimace that Hannah bounced from
her chair. " JIannah, 1 say," repealed he; but here again his
courages failed him.

" What say, Josh?"

" 1— J — it's a grand time for turnips," said Josh. " t^g'^^i !
ugh ! ugh ! "

" ]\/h ! " returned Hannah, " let alone of my apron-string,
you Josh."

Josli sat in silence and despair for some time longer,
growing more and more nervous every moment. Presently
the stick of wood burst out squeaking again in the most dole-
iul style imi',ginable : Quiddledy, quiddledy quee-ee-ee-iddlcdij,
que, que quiddledi/ quiddledi/ que que que-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee. Josh
could not bear it any longer, for he verily believed his skull-
bone was splitting.

" 1 swaiiiicrs ! " he exclaimed, " this is too bad ! "

" What's the matter, Josh? " asked Hannah, in eonsidcr-
able alai'm.

"ISuthin' ails me," said Josh.

"Hear me!" exclaimed Hannah; "shan't I get you a
mug of cider ? "

"Ho," replied Josh, "for I don't feel as I used to did."

Hannah ran down to the cellar and returned with a c[uart
mug of cider. Josh put it to his lips and took a heavy pull.
It was what the fai-mers call hard cider, and Josh verilv feared
his eyes would start out of his head while he was drinking
it, but after several desperate gulps he succeeded in draining
the mug. Then pulling a blue and while check handkerchief

TKAITS OF AMEPJCAN HUMOUi;

1 < f^
1 i,f

Tho

(|UC'UO

! hoiid
just at
;aii lo
l;' IVets
111 tlio
woivo
hlle de
i-aunht
lit) ex-

L'cr.

^vil(lly
d from
uln his

" U-li !

string,

mip;cr,
sciilly
t tlolc-

Josli
skull-

iiisidcr-

you a

aid."

a quart
•y pull,
ieared

iiUinsj;

raiiiuiij:
:ercliiet'

from his poclict, "nc ruhhcd liis face \QYy liard, and loo1<od
btraljjjlit into the fire.

But in a few minutes lie found his s])irits wonderfullv
risino;; he lifted up h:.-' eyes, hilcJicd his cliair nearer, sent
]iannah a sly look, and actually j^ave a loud gif^L;le. Ilanniih
<;i^gled in reply, for gigi,ding, like gaping, is contagious. Jn
two minutes more, his courage rose higher; he threw one of
his long legs across the other, gave a grin, slapped his liand
upon his knee, and exclaimed as hold as a lion,

"Hannah, if a young feller Avas for to go to ofler for to
kiss you, what d'ye think ye should do? "

Having uttered these words, he slopped short, his mouth
wide open, in ga])ing astonishment at his own temerity.

If Hannah did not blush, it "vvas prohahly owing to her
being at that moment engaged in blowing the tire at a des-
perate rate "svith an enormous pair of broken-winded bellows,
which occupation had set her all in a blowze.

kShc understood the hint, and replied,

" Guess ye'd better not try. Josh."

AVhelher this was intemled as a Avarning, or an invitation,
never could ho satisfactorily known, .losh did not stop to
inquire, but he thought it too good a chance to be lost.

" I'll kiss her ! by Golly ! " lie exclaimed to himself

He made a bounce from liis chair and seized the nozzle of
the bellows, which Hannah was sticking at that moment un-
der a huge iron pot over the fire. Now, in this pot were ap-
ples a stewing, and so it happened that Hannah, in the eon-
fusion occasioned by tho visit of Josh, had made a mistake
and put in sour apples instead of sweet ones: sour ap])les
when cooking, eserybod}' knows, are aj)t to ex])lode like
bomb-shells. Hannah had been nufling at the bellows with
might and main, v.vA raised the he:.t to a mischievous degree ;
there was no safety-valve in the pot-lid, and just as Josh was
upon the point of snatching a kiss, whop ! tho whole contents
of the pot went off in their faces !

xVt tie same moment tlic door flew open, and tho wholo
Downer f.nnily came in from meeting. Such a sight as they
belield! There stood Josh beplastered with apple-sauce from
head to foot, and frightened worse than if he had seen a green
monkey. Hannah made her escape, and left Josh to explain
the catastrophe. He rolled up his eyes in utter dismay.

" AVhat is the matter? " exclaimed Peggy Uowner.
Ugh ! ugh ! ugh ! " replied Josh, and that was all he

coul

loO

TKAITS or AMKrJCAN HUMOUR.

" Coofliioss' s;il<e ! Josli T3t'aiii)ol(i ! is lliat } on ? " nslvcd
IMotlier J)()\viKM', i'ov Josli was so bcplaslcrcd, IjcIuIcm], jiikI
iraiisubstaiitiatcd hy llie applc-saiu't', tluit ^]\c did nut tiL linjfc
disc-over Avlio it was.

I (I'll know — no, n't T," said .Tosh.

C'.\('laiinc(

?y-

" AVliat a spot o' work !

Josli Joolvcd down at Lis piiiilalooii;

"Oh! forever!" lie exclaimed, "this Leats Iho giiieral
ran nn !

How matters were explained, and how Josh got safe home,
I cannot stop to ex[)lain. As to 'he Una] residt of the cu'irt-
Bhi[/ the reader iw\y as ^v^•ll ]"■ ii^'^^i med tiiat Jc ill had too
nuu-h genuine Yaiii^ec rey; 'luti'iu to be beaten away from his
prize by a broadside of bak- ' .'i ]i'es Li fact, it was but a
lew months afterwards, tliaL JJeaco P'j\V(h'r[)ost, the town
clerk, -was digging all alone in the middle of his ten-acre potato
Held, and spied Josh Beanpole looiiung up over the top of the
hill. Josh looked all around the hori/on, and (hiding no other
living soul to he seen, came scrambling over the potato hills,
and got right behind the Deacon, where in about a ijiiarter of
an hour he mustered courage siillicient to ask him to btep
aside, as he had a communication for his ])i'ivate ear. To
make a long story short, Josh and Hannah were published the
next Sunday.

(•I

tli(

p..

hi,^

XXX.

PETER BRUSir, TILE CHEAT USED LT.

It was Xovember ; ssoon after election time, wlien a consider-
able portion of the political world are apt to be despondent,aud
external things appear to do their utmost to keep them so.
Xovember, the season of dejection, when pride itself loses its
imperious port; when ambition gives place to melancholy;
when beauty hardly takes the trouble to look in the gla^^s ;
and when existence dolfs its rainbow hues, and wears an aspect
of such dull, common-place reality, that hope leaves the world
for a temporary excursion, and those who cannot do without
lie^ ins})iring presence, borrow^ the aid of pistols, cords, and
chmiicals, and send themselves on a longer journey, expecting to
iiiid her by the way : — a season, when the hair will not stay in
curl ; when the walls wee[) dewy drops, to the great detriment

TRAITS OF AMEUICAN HUMOUR,

151

it, and
nn fcio.
»sos its
•holy ;
glays ;
aspect
\vorl{l
itliout
3, and
tiugto

of paper-linn!];in<j:s, and of evcM'y species of colouring \\\{\\ wliicli
they are adorned ; \vlien tlio banisters distil li(jiiids, anything bnt
boneflcial to wliite gloves ; \vheu iiatnre fills the ponds, and
Avhen window-washing is the only species of aiuusenient at all
popul't among housekeeper?^

T, as on the worst of nights in that worst of seasons. Tho
ntino.;p'ie!o was in a condition of which it is diirieult to s[)ealv
witli r spect, mui ii as we may be disposed to applaud the doings
of nal'iro. It was damj), fog'^y, and drizzling; to sum up
its ill' perfections in a sonorous and descriptive epithet, it was
'• 'orrid nni;'gy weather."

The air luing about the wayfarer in warm, unhealthy foKls,
and extracted the starch fi'om his shirt-collar and i'vnin the bosom
of his dickey, with as much raj)idity as it robbed his S[)irits of
their elasticity, and melted the sugar of self-complaceney from
his nu'nd.

The street lamps emitted a ghastly white glare, and were o
hemmed in with vapoury wreaths, that their best eHbrts coi.ld
not project a ray of light three feet i'rom the burner. G! »i i
was universal, and any change, even to the heat of Africa, (>" to
tlie frosts of the arctic circle, would, in comparison, have ' 'U
delig",tfnl. The pigs' tails no longer waved in graceful siLat-
sities ; while the tail of each night-roving, hectoring bidl-dog
ceased flaunting toward the clouds, a banner of wrath and de-
fiance to ])unier creatures, aiul hung down drooping and deject-
ed, an emblem of a heart little disposed to quarrel and otlence.

The ornamentals of tlio brute creation being thus below par,
it was not surprising that men, with cares on their shoulders
and nggedness in their trousers, should likewise be more me-
lancholy than on occasions of a brighter character.

Every one at all subject to the " skyey influence.-i," who has
had trouble enough to tear his clothes, and to teach him that
the staple of this numdane existence is not exclusively made up
of fun, has felt that philosophy is but a barometrical all'air, and
that he who is proof against sorrow when the air is clear and
bracing, may be a Vi^ry miserable wretch, with no greater cause,
when the wind sits in another quarter.

Peter Brush is a man of this susceptible class. His nervous
system is of the most delicate organization, and responds to the
changes of the weather, as an iLlolian harp sings to the litful
swellings of the breeze.

Peter was abroad on the night of which we speak ; eitlier
because, unhke the younger Brutus, lie had no Portia near to tell
him that such exposure Avas" not physical," and that it was the
part of prudence to go to bed, or that, although aware of the

153

TRAITS OF A?»n:KirAX TTI'MOT'R.

(1;iiii:;rrs of iiii;»siii;i In anian of his const il iit ion, lio did not linp-
])('!! ill tli;it pivciisi' iMoincnt to l\Jivo aceoss to iMther liouso orbed ;
in lus opinion, two csticntial ])re-r('(}iiiHites to couclun^ liiiiiscli',
ns lio iv;j;:irdi'(l 1al<iiiLf it at fresco, on a collar door, not likely
to answer any isamtary purpose.

AV^' ineline ourselves to the opinion that ho Avas in the dilcMH-
nia last nieiit ioned, as it had previously been the late of other
great men. IJut be that as it may, Mr IVter iJriish was in the
street, as melancholy aa an unbraced drum, " a gib-cd cat, or a
lugLi^ed bear."

S(>:ited ujxm the curb, with liis feet across the gutter, ho
jdaced his elbow on a stepping-stone, and like .Tuliet on the bal-
cony, leaned his head u[)t)n his haiul — a hand that would perhajis
liavi! been the better of a covering, though none would have been
rash enough to volunteer to be a glove upon it. He was in a
dilapidated condition — out at elbows, out atkneef»,out of pocket,
out of odlce, out of spirits, and out in the street — a!i " out and
outer" in every respect, and as c/yZ/y' a mortal as ever the eye of
man did rest npon.

For sonui time, JNIr Brush's refleetions had been silent. Fol-
lowing Hamlet's advice, he " gave them an nnd(^rstanding, but
no tongue ;" and he relieved himscdf at intervals by spitting
forlornly into tlu^ kennel. At length, suflering his locked hands
to fall between his knees, and heaving a deep sigh, he spoke:

" A long time ago, my ma used to put on her specs and say,
* Peter, my son, put not your trust in princes ; ' and from that
day to this I haven't done anything of the kind, becanse none
on 'em ever wanted to borry nothing of me : and I never sec a
prince or a king, but (me or two, and they had boon rotated out
of olllce, to borry nothing of them. Princes ! pooh! Put not
yonr trust in politicianers — them's my sentiments. You might
jist as well try to hold an eel by the tail. I don't care which
side they're on, for I've tried both, and I know. Put not
your trust in politicianers, or yju'll get a hyst.

" Ten years ago it came into my head that things weren't
going on right; so I pretty nearly gave myself up tee-totally to
the good of the republic, and left the shop to look out for it-
self. I was brimfull of patriotism, and so uneasy in my mind
for the salivation of freedom, I couldn't work. I tried to guess
which side was going to win, and I stuck to it like wax ; some-
times I wasa-one side, sometimes I was a-tother, and sometimes
I straddled till the election was over, and came up jist in tinu^
to jine the hurrah. It was good I was after; and what good
coidd I do if I wasn't on the 'lected side ? But, after all, it was
never a bit of use. "Whenever the battle was over, no matter

■)t Im;)-
orbcil ;
limscir,
; liUcly

' clilfMTI-
f oilier
?< ill llui
lit, or a

:tor, lio
the bal-
perhaps
,ve bocii
as ill a
pocket,
)ut and
le eye of

:. Pol-
iiic^, but
spittiiiLi;
(I bands
poke :
ind say,
^m that
3e none
iv sec a
I ted out
^ut not
mi<;ht
which
ut not

weren't

ally to

for it-

y mind

gues3

sonie-

letinies

ill tim(^

it good

it \\a.A

inattcr

TKAITS OF AMHIIICAN lUJMOUK.

lo,J

what side was sbariu'j: out the loaves and the fishes, and T step-
jied up, I'll be hanged if they didn't cram all tliey could iuio
tiieir own nu)utlis, put their arms over some, and grab at all Iho
rest with tlu'ir i)aws, and say, ' (jIo away, white man, you ain't
{•a[)able.' Capable! what's the reason J. ain't capable ? I've got
as extensive a throat as any of 'em, and I could swallow the
loaves and fishes without choking, if each loaf was as big as a
grinilstone and each fish as big as a aturgeon. dive Pi'ler
a chance, and leave him alone for that. Then, atioiher tinio
when 1 called — 'I want some spijils,' says I ; 'a small bueket-
fiill of spoils. Whichever side gets in, shares the spoils,
don't they ? ' So they first grinned, and then they ups and
tells me that virtue like mine was its own reward, and that
si)oils might spoil nie. J5ut it was iio spoils that spoilt me, and
no loaf and fish that starved me — I'm spoilt because I couldn't
get either. Put not your trust in politiciaiiers — I say It agin.
Both sides used mejist alike.

*' Here I've been serving my country, more or less, these tea
years, like a patriot — going to town meetings, hurraing my day-
lights out, and getting as blue as blazes — blocking the windows,
getting licked fifty times, and having more black eyes and bloody
noses than you could shake a stick at, all for the eonunou good,
and for the purity of our illegal rights — and all for what ? Why
for nix. If any good has come of it, tlu; country has put it into
her own pocket, and swindled me out of my arnings. I can't
get no olUce! Kepublics is ungrateful ! It wasn't reward I was
after. I scorns the base insiiiivation. I only wanted to Ijo
took care of, and have nothing to do but to take (Mire of the
public, and I've only got half — nothing to do ! Being took care
of was the main thing. Kepublics is ungrateful ; I'm swagger-
ed if they ain't. Tliis is the way old sojers is served."

Peter, having thus unpacked his o'erlVaught heart, heaved a
si2;h or two, as every one does after a recapitulation of their own
injuries, and remained for a few minutes wrapped in abstraction.

" Well, well," said he, mournfully, swaying his heael to and
fro after the sagacious fashion of Lord Burleigh, " live and learn
— live and learn — the world's not wdiat a man takes it for beforo
he finds it out. AVhiskers grow a good deal sooner than experi-
ence — genus and patriotism ain't got no chance — heigh-ho ! —
But anyhow, a man might as well be under kiver as out in tiie
open air in sich weather as this. It's as cheap laying down ai
it is settin' up, and there's not so much wear and tear about it."

With a groan, a yawn, and a sigh, Peter Brush slowly
arose, and stretching himself like a drowsy lion, he walked to-
wards the steps of a neighbouring house. Having reached the

loh

TKAITS or AMKIIK'AN lirMOUR.

1o|) of till" fll;;lit, lie iiinif'd ahotit nnd looked round witli a scni-
litii/iii;; ^laiico, ])((.'riii;;' bolli up and down tliu htrccl, to ascrr-
lain tlial none ol' ihc Iicrcdiiaiy cncinics of tlio IJru.sIu's wvvi'
in the vicinity, licini; Katistit'd on tliat wcore, lio nrcparcd to
rnjoy all the condort that his peculiar situation could coniniand.
Accorilin^' to tlii' modern sysieni of uarl'are, ho carried no htiL,'-
^'a,L;(' to encnmhcr his motions, and was always ready to bivoiiiur
without troid»li.'.'«onie j)reliiuinaries. He tlur. tore phiced liim-
f^rlf on till' up[)er step, ho that he was just within the doorway,
his head reclininj; a'^ainst one side of it, and hhs i'eet bracrd
against the otln'i', bloekadin<jj the passage in a very efl'ecltia!
jnanner. Jle adjusted himself in a position as earefidly as the
Sybarite who was annoyed at the wrinkle of a rose-leaf on his
I'uueh, gruntin;; at each motion like a Dani(d Lambert at his
toilet, aiul he made minute alterations in his attitude several
times before he appeared perfectly satisfied that he had ejloct-
ed the best arrangements that could be devised.

After re])<)siiig for a whili' as if "the llinty and steel coucli
<)^^^ar weri' his thi'ice-driven bed of down, " he moved his head
with an exclamation of im[)atienee at the hardness of the wall,
and taking his time-worn beaver, he crumj)led it up, and molli-
lli'd the austerity of his bolster by using the cruslied hat as ;i
pillow.

" That will do, " ejaculated Brush, clasping his haiuls before
him, and twirling his thumbs ; and he then closed his eyes fur
the purpose of rellectiug ui)on his condition with a more per-
fect concentration of thought than can be obtained wlien out-
ward objects distract the mind. Eut thinking in this way is
always a hazardous experiment, whether it be after dinner, or in
the evening; and Peter Brush soon unwittingly fell into a
troubled, murmuring sh-ep, in which his words were mere rc-
})etitious of what he had said before, the geni rr.l scope of the
argument being to prove the received axiom of former times,
that republics do not distribute their favours in proportion to
services rendered, and that, in the speaker's opinion, they are
not, in this respect, much better than the princes against whom
liis mother cautioned him. Such, at least, was the conviction
of Mr Brush ; at which he had arrived, not by theory and dis-
tant observation, but by his own personal experience.

It is a long lane which bus no turning, and it is a loni;
sleep in the open air, especially in a city, which does not meet
Avith interruption. Brush found it so in this instance, as he had
indeed more than once before. Several gentlemen, folhnved by
u dog, arrived at the foot of the steps, and, after a short con-
versation, dispersed each to his several home. One, bowe\ er,

TKAITS OF AMLKICAX lILMnLU.

105

til a scrn-
to Msccr-
slu's wi'i'i;
('pared to
■oiniuaiid.
d no bag-
o bivouac
iU't'd him-
doorway,
I't braced
efl'eclual
dly as the
eat' oil his
ert at bin
;le several
Kid ellcct-

tctd coiieli
d bis liead
the Nvall,
luid iiiolli-
J liat as a

ikLs belbrc

is eyes fur

more per-

wb.en out-

lis uay is

nier, or in

ell into a

mere re-

)pe of the

ner times,

)ortion to

tbey aro

list whom

onviction

y and dis-

is a long
not meet
as be had
bnved by
liort con-
bowe\er,

riinaincd — tbe owner of the doc; — who, >\]iisllinj^ for Ids caniiiu
fa\ourite, took out liis nigbt-key, ami walked up tbc steps.
The do;;, boundiii;; btdore bis master, smldeiily slopped, and
after attentively regarding tbe recumbent JJrusb, uttered a
t-uarp rapid bark.

Tbe ra[)idity of mental oj)erations is sui-b that it freiiueiitly
happens, if sleep be disturbed by external sounds, that tbe noisu
is instantly eaugbt up by the ear, and im-orporaled w itb tbe
.subject of the dream — or perhaps a dream is iiistanti-ously
formed upon tbe nucleus sugge^ied by tlu' vibration of the
Ivmpannm. Tbe bark of tluilog iiad one of these ellects upon
Mr. Brush.

'■ !)0\v! wow! waugb ! " !<aid tbe dog.

'•There's a fellow making a speecb against our side," mut-
tered Peter; "but it's all talk — win re's your facts? — print
your speecb in pamphlet form, and JMl answer it. Hurray for
us! — everybody else is rascals — nothing but ruinaliou when
that fellow's pi-inciples get tbe upper band — our side fur ever
— we're tbe boys ! "

" Be still, Ponto ! " said tbe gentleman. " Now, Sir, be
|iiL'ased to get up, and carry your.self to some otber place. 1
don't know wbicb side has the honour of claiming you, but you
are certainly on the wrong side at [jreseiit."

"Don't be ollicial and trouble yourself about otber pe(jple's
business, " said Brush, trying to open his eyes ; " don't be olli-
cial, tor it isn't tbe genteel thing."

" Xot ollicial ! what do you mean by that ? I sball be very
< IHcial, and trundle you down the steps if you are not a little
more rapid in your motions."

" Ob, very well," responded Erusb, as be wbeeled round in
a sitting posture, and fronted tbe stranger — " very well ! be as
sassy as you please ; I sup})Ose you've got an oillce, by tbe way
you talk — you've got one of tbe tisbes, thongli perbajjs it is but a
mlmiy, and I ain't ! but if I bad, I'd show you a thing or two.
Be sassy, be anything, Mr Noodle-soup. 1 don't know wbicb
side you're on eitber, but do know one tiling ; it isn't saying
inucli for your boss politiciu/ier that be chose you wlien I must
have been on bis list for promotion ; that's all, thougli you are
so stiff, and tliink yourself pretty to look at. But them that's
jjretty to look at ain't always good 'uns to go, or you wouldn't
1)0 poking liere. Be olf ; there's no more business before this
meeting, and you may adjourn. It's moved, seconded, and car-
ried — pay tbe landlord for tbe use of tbe room as you go."

The stranger, now becoming somewhat amused, felt a dis-
position to entertain biinself a little witli Pclcr.

1-' n

TRAITS OF AMERICA.: HUMOUR.

It.

TTow docs it liiippon," paid lie, "tlin^' "^ucli a public-spii

to he sliould iiiid li

>lf

cd iiKiivKiiiai MS ycHi ;ippo:ir to ne siiouid Jiiid lumseit iii ims
ooiiditioii ? You've had a little too much of the stimulanlibiio,
I fear."

" I don't IvHow Greek, hut T f^iicsa what you moan, " was the
answer. " It's owini; to the weather — part to tlie weather, aiul
part hecause repubhes is ungrateful ; tliat's eonsiderable tliu
hi2;gest part. Either part is excuse enougli, and both together
makes it a credit. AV^hen it's sucii weather as this, it takes tht;
ek'cterizing fluid out of you ; and if you want to feel somethiiii;
like ; do you know wliat ' something like ' is ? it's cat-bird, jtim
up ; if you want to feel 8o. you must poiu* a little of the elec-
terizing fluid into you. In this kind of weatiier you must tune
yourself up, and get iosiuned, or you ain't good for much, tiiucil
u'- to concert pitch. But all tliat's a trifle ; put not your trust
in politicianers."

"And why not, iNFr llosuni ? "

" AVhy not! Help us up — there — steady she goes — hold
on ! Wliy not? — look at me, and you'll see tlie why as larjo
as life. I'm the why you mustn't put your trust in politician-
ers. I'm a rig'lar patriot — look at my coat. I'm all for the pub-
lic good — twig the holes in my trousers. I'm steady in iiiv
course, and I'm upright in my conduct — don't let me fall down.
I've tried all j)arties, year in and year out, just by way of mak-
ing myself popular aiul agreeable ; and I've tried to be on bolh
sides at once, " roared Brush, with great emphasis, as he slipped
and feil, " and this is the end of it ! "

His auditor laughed heartily at this striking illustration (^f
the political course of Peter Brush, and seemed quite gratified
with so strong a proof of the danger of endeavouring to bo ou
tv\'o sides at once. Jle fherefore assisted the fallen to rise.

" Are you hurt ?"

" Xo, I'm used to being knocked about — the steps and tlie
pavement are no worse than other people — they're like ])oIiti-
cianers — you can't put any trust in 'em. But," continued Brusli,
drawing a roll of crumpled paper from the crown of his still
more crumpled hat, " sc e here now, you're a clever fellow, and
I'll get you to sign my reconnnendation. Here's a splendid cha-
racter for me all ready wrote d<3wn, so it won't give you any
trouble, only to put your name to it."

" But what of ice doe;; it recommend you for r what kind
of recommendation is it ?"

" It's a circulai r'^ommend — a slap at anything that's
going.''

'' firing iiito iho flock, I suppose ! "

TKAITS OF A^IEPJCAX IIL'MOUR.

blic-spiri'j.
C'lt* ill 111 is
nulaniihu-;,

, " was tlio
nithor, and
erable tlie
h together
t takes l!h!
somethiii'j;
t-bird, juiii
)f tlie elec-
nuist tune
inch, tuiii'il
your triusb

goes

hold
hy as ]ai'-;c

politieiaii-
br the pub-
ady iiL my
i, fall down.
ay of niak-
be on bi)th

he slipped

striitioii &i
te gratilicd
g to be. uu
to rise.

ps and tlie
like ])oliti-
ued Brush,
of his still
fellow, and
endid elui-
3 you any

what kind

li.ng that's

*• That's it exactly, good character, fit fijr any fat post eithor
under the city government, the state goverinneiit, orthegineral
government. Xow jist put your list to it, "added Peter, in his
most j^ersuasive toin'S, as he smoothed the paper over his knee,
t;pread it u[)on the step, and jjrodueed a bit of h.'atl pencil, which
he lirst moistened with his lips, and then olVered to his inter-
locutor.

'• E.vcuse me," was the langliing response ; " it's too daidc, I
can't see either to read or write. ])Ut what made you a [)oli-
ticianer ? Haven't you. got a trade."'

" Trade ! yes," replioil Drusii, contemptuously ; •' but what's
a trade, when a feller's got a soul I i love my country, ami I
want an ofilce — I don't care what, so it's I'at and easy. l"ve a
goiius for governing — for telling [)eople what to do, ami looknig
at 'em do it. I want to take care of my country, and 1 wanl
jiiv country to take care of nu\ Head work is the trade I'm
made for — talking — that's my line — ialknig ni the streets, talk-
ing in the bar rooms, talking in the oyster cellars. Talking is
the grease for the waggon wheels of the body j)(ditie and the
body corpulent, and nothing will go on well till J've got my
say in the matter ; for I can tallv all day, and most of the
night, only sto[)ping to ^\et my whistle. J^ut ])arties is all
alike — all ungrateful ; no resjiect for genus — no respect for me.
I've tried both sides, got nothing, and J've a great mind to knock
oif and call it half a day. I would, if my genus didn't make
r,ie talk, and think, and sleep so nnudi I can't lind time to work."

'• Well," said the stranger, "younnist lind time to go away.
You're too noisy. How -woidd yo\i. like to go before ihe
Mayor?"

"Xo, I'd rather not. Stop — now I think of it, I've ask-
ed him before ; but perhaps if you'd speak a good word, he'd
give me the first vacancy. Introduce me properly, and say that
I want something to do shocking — no, not sometlung to do —
I want something to get ; my genus won't let me work. I'd
like to have a fat salary, and to be goneral superintendent of
things in general and nothing in ])articular, so I could walk
about the streets, and see what is going on. Now, put my best
leg foremost — say how I can make speeches, and how I can
hurray at elections."

" Away with you," said the stranger, as he ran up the steps
and opened the door. '' Make no noise in this neighbourhood,
or you'll be taken care of soon enough."

" Well, now, if that isn't ungratefu'," soliloquized Brush ;
*' keep me here talking, and then slap the door right in my face.

15S

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

(! 'l

That's tlio wny politioifincrs serve me, and it's about all I"
right to expect. Oh, pshaw ! sich a world — sich a people ! "

Peter rolled up his " circular recommend," put it in his hat,
and slowly sauntered away. As he is not yet provided for, In;
shouhl rectM'vo the earliest attention of parties, or disappoint-
ment may indnce him to abjiudon both, take the field " upon
his own hook," and constitute an indept'ndent faction undti'
the name of the " Brush party," the cardinal principle of whic'n
will be that peculiarly novel impulse to action, hostility to all
" puliticianers " who are not on the same side.

XXXT.

COUSTX SALLY DILLIARD.

A LEGAL SKETCIt IN THE " OLD XORTII STATE."

Scene : — A Court of Justice in North Carolina.

A hcanllc.ss' disciple of Tliemis rises, and thus addresses llic
court :

" May it please your woi-ships, and you, gentlemen of llic
jury, since it has been my fortune (good or bad, I will not savl
to exercise myself in legal disquisitions, it has never befallen me
to be obliged to prosecute so direfid, marked, and malicious ;i;i
assault — a more wilful, violent, dangerous battery — and finallv,
a more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom hap])ene(i i:i
a civilized country ; and I dare say it has seldom been your
duty to pass upon one so shocking to benevolent feelings, as tins
which took place over at Captain liice's, in this county. But
you will hear from the witnesses."

The witnesses being sworn, two or three were examined .'md
deposed. One said that he heard the noise, and did not see the
fight; another, that be had seen the rovv, but didn't know wiio
struck first ; and a third, that he was very drunk, and couLhi't
say much about the skrimmage.

Lairijc)' Cliopft. T am sorry, gentlemen, to have occupitnl your
time witii the stupidity of the witnesses examined. It arises,
geiitlemen, altogether iVoiu nu'sapprehension cm. my part. il:nl
1 known, as I now do, that 1 had a witness in attendance who
was well ac(piainted with all the circumstances of the case, ami

TRAITS OF AMEKICAX HUMOUR.

loO

all I'(i \
ople ! "
11 his liat,
3d for, !>i;
sappoinl-
Id " upf)ii
on under
) of \vlucii
lit)' to all

'E.

la.

.resses i\v

en
1

of llli'

not jiavi
'alien 11, c
ic'ions -Ml
d finally,
)peiie(l iii
)een yi)iii'
lU's, as this

ty-

But

nil

ncd r'lid
ot see \\w
now wh"
I eoaLln't

ipied your
It arises,
art. ll;i'l
lanee who
ease, au'l

ulio wna able to make himself clearly tindorstood hy the court
and jury, I should not so lon^ have trespassi-d upon your time
and patience. Come forward, Mr Harris, and he sworn.

So forward comes the witness, a fat, shuify old man, a
"leetle" corned, and took his oath with an air.

Chops. Harris, we wish you to tell all ahout the riot that
hTp])ened the other day at Captain ]{iee's ; and as a good deal
of tniie has already been wasted in circundoeution, we wish you
to be compendious, and at the same time as explicit as pos-
sible.

Harris. Adzackly (f^iving the lawyer a knowing; wink, and
at the same time clearinfj; his throat). Captain Kit'(\ lu^ *i;in a
treat, and Cousin Sally Dilliard, she came over to t)ur house, and
axed me if my wife she moutn't go ? I told Cousin Sally Hil-
hard that my wife was poorly being as how she had a touch of
the rheumatics in the hip, and the hig swamj) was in the road,
ami the big swamp was up. for there had been a heaj) of rain
lately ; but howsomever, as it was she. Cousin Sally Dilliard, my
wife she mout go. Well, Cousin Sally Dilliard then axed me if
jMose he moutn't go? I told Cousin Sally J)illi:u'd that he was
the foreman of the crap, and the erap was smartly in the grass ;
but howsomever as it was she, Cousin Sally Dilliard, JMose he
mout go.

Chops. In the name of common sense, ]Mr Harris, what do
you mean by this rigmarole?

Witness. Captain llice he gin a treat, and Cousin Sally Dil-
liard she came over to our house, and axed me if mv wife she
moutn't go ? I told Cousin Sally Dilliard —

Chops. Stop, Sir, ir jou please ; we tlon't want to hear any-
thing about your cousin Sally Dilliard and your wife. Tell us
uboui the fight at iiice's.

Witness. Well, I will. Sir, if you will let mo.

Chaps. AVell, Sir, go on.

JFituess. AVell, Sir, Captain Tlice he gin a treat, and Cousin
Sally Dilliard she came over to our house, and axed me if my
wife she moutn't go —

Chops. There it is again. Witness, please to stop.

IFitness. AVell, Sir, what do you want ?

Chops. We want to know about the light ; and you must
nnt ])ro('eed in this impertinent story. Do you know anything
about the matter before the court ?

Witness. To be sure I do.

Chops. AV\'ll, go on and tell it, and nothing else.

Witness. AV^ll, Captain Kice he gin a treat —

Chops. This is intolerable. May it please the court, T move

IGO

TT7ATT.S OF AMKKTCAX HUMOUR.

Ihat lliis witiu'ss Ijo cnniinlttod for a contempt ; lie seems to bo
irilliii;^ with tliis court.

Court. AVitneas, you are now before a court of justice, and
unless 30U behave yourself in a more becoming maimer, \oii
■will be sent to gaol; so begin antl tell what you know about
the fight at ('aj)tain Kiee's.

Wi/jir.ss- [alarmed]. Well, gentlemen, Captain Kice he gin
a trcni, and Cousin Sally Dilliard —

Chops. I iiope tlie Avitness may be ordered into custody.

Court [after deliberating]. Mr Attorney, the court is of
opinion 1h:it ue may save time by telling Avitness to go on his
own Avay. Proceed, Mr Harris, with your story, but stii-k In
the point.

irilncss. Yes, gentlemen. AVell, Captain liice he gin a treat,
and Cousin Sally Milliard she came over to our house, and axed
mo if mv wife she mout ji'o ? 1 told Cousin ISally Dilliard that niv
wile she was poorly, being as Ikjw she had the rheumatics in tlir
b.ips, and tin' big swamp was np ; but howsomevei", as it was
t^he, Cousin Sally Dilliard, my wife she mout go. AV'ell, Cou-
sin Sally Dilliard then axed me it jMose he moutn't go. I told
Cousin Sally Dilliard as how Mose he was foreman of the crap,
and the crap was snuirtly in the grass ; but howsomever, as it
was she, Cousin Sally Dilliard, Alose he mout go. So they goes
on together, JMose, my wife, and Cousin Sally Dilliard, and l!uy
came to the big swam]) and it was np, as I was telling you ;
but being as how there was a log across the big swamp, Cou-
i-\\\ Sally Dilliard and INlose, like g(Miteel folks, they walkcil
the log ; but my wile, like a darned fool, hoisted her coats and
waded through. And that's all I low it' about thcj'(/ht.

XXXII.

TUE AGE OF WONDERS.

"My neighbour over the way. Colonel Swallowmore, thiiiki?
bin;-' !f h'^vv. in the age of wonders : — and no woiuler he thinks
so, for Ir reals the news[)apers and believes them! It is
astoMisMUig how gravely the Colonel gulps down every crude
Jum[, <d monst''o'ia fudge U\e papers contain. Sea-serpeuts,
cru. ''■;-. ockcd S'jUushes, consumption cured, talking pigs, and
threc-ie!:'^eu cats, are noi'iing to an appetite like his. ile be-

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

161

linvea clectioneorino: spoeches and predictions of political quid-
uiiiu'S. All is iiah that comes to his net.

" These are times ! Mr Titterwell, these are times, indeed ! "
s;ivs he to me. with a most rueful vis:i<j:e, as lie hus down the
]it'\vspaper. " What are \vc coming to ! PiHjple have g )t to
.v?/(?/i a pass ! Sometliinn^ is certainly ii^oiniT to happen before
J(<ng. I'm really, really frightened to think of it. There never
were sucli doings in mv dav. Positivelv I've got so now that 1
an'fc surprised at anything ! "

And so he sliakes his head, hitclies up his breeches, sticks
liis spectacles higher np his nose, and reads the Vvonders of the
ihiy over again.

Twenty-eight several times has this country been irretricv-
nbly ruined since 1 knew the Colonel. JSeven times has the
world come quite to an end. Nineteen times have we had the
hardest winter ever known within the memory of the oldest in-
habitant. Twenty-one times there never wa.; seen sueh a buc-k-
ward spring. Forty-seven times tlie approacliing session of
Congress has been one of uncon nou interest ; and thirteen
thousand nine hundred and sixty-s x: times has death snatch* d
away the best man upon eartli, lea. ing mortals inconsolable,
and society with an immense void.

The mental agitations he has tmdergone in pondering npon
the " wonderful wonders " that spring up as plenty as grass-
hoppers in this wonderful age, are not to be dcscribi'd ; for tiie
Colonel takes an immense interest in public all'airs, aiid cannot
see the universe go to ruin about his ears without pangs of sym-
pathy. AVhatever molehill he stumbles upon, he makes -i
mountain of it.

He thought the Salem mill-dam absolutely necessary to the
balance of power, and was certain that the bridge over Peg's
Hun was the only means of saving the nation.

He went to bed in a great fj-ight on reading in the paper
tliat Emerson's Spelling-book would overthrow the liberties « i"
the country ; and he was struck with the deepest alarm wheu
he heard of the feud that had broken out between the Hoi :§es
of Correction and Eeformation about a cart-load of chips.

I shall never forget the anxiety that beset him last summer
when the City Council could not come to a choice about the
^Superintendent of Drains. The newspapers were full of the
alfair, and the Colonel, I verily believe, would have worried him-
^elt nito a nervous fever, had this alarming schism between the
two branches of the city government been carried much furthe.'.

" A strange atfair, Mr Titterwell, a very mysterious afiair,"
said he. " There are some dark, under-ground manceuvres going

102

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR,

oil ill tlii.s nititlcr, (lopeiul iipini it ; and really tlio ^Mayor and
Alilcrnieu — " hero he turned np tlie AvhiU'8 of his eyes and
sliook Ills head. J leaven only knows what he thoiiiiht ot'thorfc
^reat dignitaries, iiuwever, the ailair ol" the dniins j^ot thi'uiiy;ii
without any <^n'eat eatastroplu^ to I'oik al)ove-<;ronnd, that ever i
could learn, and the Colonel's consternation suhsided lor that time.

All the world were yoiug mad the other day about ^vhile
mustard-seed.

'* Pray, Colonel," said I, " what is white mustard-seed to you
or me? Can't we eat our bread and butter, and sleep till six in
the morning, without troubling our heads about white mustard-
seed ? Didn't we light the battles of the revolution without
white mustard-seed h Didn't Samson carry oil" the gates of Gaza
without white mustard-seed ? Didn't your blessed old grand-
mother knit stockings and live to tiie age of ninety witln)ut
white mustard-seed ? Then what's the use of minding the dolts
in the newsi)apers who tell you that white mustard-seed is better
than meat, drink, and sunshine, and that we shall all die imtiini'-
ly deaths unless we take white mustard-seed ? "

The Colonel could not understand it : it was a great mystery
indeed, but the newspapers were fidlofit, and he was conviiu-ed
white mustard-seed hacl something in it, that would come out
ill due time. AV^hite mustard-seed, however, has had its day ;
and the Colonel has probably taken to saw-dust, as 1 heard him
talk of Dr Graham last week.

But of all mortals the Colonel isthe most prone to sympathi/,e
with the unfortunate public upon the loss of great men. I poj)-
ped in upon him the day before yesterday, and found him la-
menting a huge public calamity.

Three great men had fallen in Israel — an eminent clergyman,
an eminent country representative, and an eminent dealer in
^•■aIl-flsh on Long Wharf. The Colonel was triply dolorous upon
the matter ; society, business, politics, had sullered an imiueu^o
loss ; a loss incalculable, irreparable, and so forth.

I assured the Colonel there was no great cause for appiv-
hension, for the world was pretty sure to turn round once in
twenty-four hours, whether great men died or lived.

" The fact is, Colonel," said T, ■ great men may die as fast as
they please for aught 1 care. 1 have never been frightened liy
the death of them since an adventure that happened to me iu
my ninth year, when I lived in the country."

" What is that ? " asked the Colonel.

" I'll tell you," said I.

" On a certain day — a day never to be forgotten by me, news
arrived in town that the Governor was dead. jN o sovereign pi-ince,

mill'

or and
L'8 and

t' tllOrfC

lii'uii,ii;li
; over I
attiiiu'.
t while

L to yuu
Unix i;i
lustard-
^vitliout
;)t ird/.:\,
<j;ra!\(l-
withoiit;
he dolts
ri better
untinie-

inystery
iiiviiieed
Dine out
its day ;
ard him

.ipatlii/.e
: poj)-
uni hi-

rynian,

'aler in

LIS upon

ntnen^o

appiv-
once in

s fast a:^
ened hy
o me in

TIIATTS OF AMi:rJCAX HUMOUR.

ir. )

pnntin*, or potentate on tlie face of the eartli, ever appeared so
j;ij:;uitii' and Ibnnidahie to my eliihhsh eyes, as tliat harnd(^s8
gentleman tlie Governor of ]Massaehnsetts. ImaL^dne tlie shock
occasioned by this announcement ! StraiL!;ht\vay the bells be!j;aii
t()llin^% people colleetiul in r^ronjis, qnidnuiu's scoured from place
to place, gossips chattered, children L,'aped in dumb astonish-
ment, and old women with dismal faces ran about croaking ' The
Covernor is dead ! '

" To me these things seemed to betoken the general wreck
t)r nature, for how tlie order of tlu; universe coidd subsist after
tlie death of the Governor, was hi ond mv comiirehension. \
expected the sun and moon to fall, the stai's to slioot tVom thrir
spheres, and my grandfather's mill-pond to upset:. The horrilde
forebodings under which 1 lay down to sleep that night, are not
to be described, and it was a Ioiilc time ere I could close mv eves.
III the morning I was awalcened by a dreadful rumbling noise.
'The Governor is dead ! ' I exclaimed, starting up in a terrible
frigiit. The noise continued : 1 listened, and discovered it to
be uothing nujre than my old grandmother grinding cotl'ee !

'' The eilect of this ];rodigious anti-climax cm hardly be
imagined; never in my life was I so puzzled and confo'im! d ai
at tlie first moment of this discovery.

" ' AVhat ! ' said I to mvself, ' is the Governor dead, and vet

people grind cotfee ? then it seems we are to eat our breakfast
just as if nothing had happened. Is a great man of no more
consequence than this ? '

" A new ray of light brolce in upon me. T fell to ponder-
ing upon the occurrence, and live minuti's' pondering comj)letely
d(!iiiolished the power supreme with which many a pompous owl
had s*talked throuiih mv imagination.

" Uroni that moment, governors, town-clerks, select-men,
representatives, justices of the peace, and great peopk; of everv
degree, lost iruc-cenths of their importance in my eyes, for I
plainly saw the world could do without them.

'■ llow often, in after life, have 1 ap|)lied the moral of this
incident ! lEow much moving elo([uence and dire denunciation
have I passed by with the remark :

That is a great ali'air, no doubt, but it won't stop a cofTee-

U (

milL

1 ))

lie, newr^
1 prince,

IGl

TliAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

XXXIII.

now sniox suG(is "kaisi:d jaci:

Until Simon entered his seventeenth year, he lived witli his
fiillier, Jill old '• liiii'd-sliell " Baptist preaeher ; who, thou<,^h
very pious and reiiiaricably austere, was very avaricious. The old
iium reared his bovs — or endeavoured to do so — aeeordin:: to
the strictest re(|uisition of the iiioi-al law. JJut he Jivetl, at
llie liineto wliieli we refer, in Middle (leor^q'a, v»liieh was then
newly settled ; and tSinion, whose wits from the time ho was
a " shirt-tail hoy," were always too sharp Wtv his father's,
(•ontrived to contract all the coarse vices incident to such a

region.

lie stole his mother's roosters tofight them at Bob Smitli's
grocery, and his father's plough-horses toenter tliMu in '"quar-
ter" matches at th(} same place, lie pitched doUa.'s with J3(jb
Smith himself, and could " beat him into doll-rags'' whenever
it eauiQ to a measurement. To crown his accomplishments,
Simon was tip-top at the game of " old sledge," which was the
fashionable game of that era, and was early initiated in the
mystery of " stocking the pa[)ers."

The vicious i'abits of Simon were, of course, a sore trouble
to his father, El '"r Jedediah. lie reasoned, he counselled, ho
remonstrated, he lashed, but Simon was an incorrigible, irre-
claimable devil.

One day the simple-mindedoldmancame rather unexpectedly
to the field where he had left Simon and Ben, and a negro boy
named J^ill, at work. Ben was still following his plough, but
Simon and Bill v\ereina fence-corner very earnestly engaged at
"seven up." Of course the game was instantly suspended, as
soon as they spied the old man sixty or seventy yards olf,
striding towards them.

It was evidently a " gone case" with Simon and Bill ; but
our hero determined to make the best of it. Putting the cards
into one pocket, he coolly picked up the small coins which con-
stituted the stake, and fobbed them in the other, remarking,

" Well, Bill, this game's blocked ; we'd as well quit."

" But, IVlassa Simon," remarked the boy, '' half dat money's
r.nnc. An't you gwine to lemme hab 'em ? "

" Oh, never mind the money. Bill ; the old man's going to
take the bark olf of both of us — and besides, with the hand I

ndi

a-d(

villi his

The old
•ding to

iVL'cl, lit

ras tiieii
' lio was

rutllCl'':>,

L) aucU a

Smitli's
1 '' quar-
ith J3oh
.•liciiL'Vcr
shiueiits,

was the
1 iu the

trouble
lied, ho
le, irre-

pcc'tedly
ro boy

:h, but

;;aged at
tided, as
avds olt',

ill; but
10 cards
lich cou-
.rking,

niouey s

going to
hand I

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ig:

hiAi when we quit, I should 'a beat you and won it all any

wa\ .

rule-

AV^'ll, but, Massa Simon, wo nebber finish de game, anil do

" Go to Old Serateh with your rule ! " said the impatient
vSiinon ; " don't you sec daddy's rigliL down upon us, with an
armful of hickories ? I tell you 1 liiltnothin' but trumps, and
could 'a beat the horns otf of a l)illy-goat. Don't that satisfy
vou ? Somehow or not her your d — d hard to |)lease ! " About
this time a thought Htrucic Simon, aiui in a low tone — for hv
this time the lieverend .ledi'diah was close at hand — he con-
tinued, "but maybe daddy don't know, rif/ht dotni mrr, wliat
we've been doin'. Let's try him with a lie — twon't hurt no
way; let's tell him we've been ])layin' mumble-peg."

Bill was perlbrce compelled to submit to this incupiitable
adjustment of his claim of a share of the slakes ; and of course
agreed to the game of mumble-peg. All this was settled and a
])eg driven in the ground, slyly and hurriedly between Simon's
legs as ho sat on the grouiul, just as the old man reacluul the
spot, lie carried under his left arm several neally-ti-imnu'd
sprouts of formidable length, while in his left hand he held one
wliich he was intently engaged iu divesting of its superlluous
twigs.

*' Soho! youngsters ! — j/oii in the fence-corner, and the crop
in the grass r what sailh the Scriptur', Snnon ? ' (jo to the
ant, thou sluggard,' and so Ibrth and so on. What in the
round creation of the vearth have you and that niirirer been
a-doin' V "

Bill shook with fear, but Simon was cool as a cucumber,
and answered his father to the eliect that they had been wast-
ing a little time in a game of rnumble-j)eg.

"Mumble-peg! mumble-peg!" repeated old Mr Suggs,
" what's that ? "

Simon explained tlie process of rootinrj for the peg ; how
the operator got upon his knees, keeping his arms stilf by his
side, leaned forward and extracted the peg with his teeth.

" So you git upon your knees, do you, to pull up that nasty
little stick! you'd better git upon 'em to ask mercy for yom-
shiful souls, and for a dyin' world. But let's see one o' you
git the peg up now."

The first impulse of our hero was to volunteer to gratify
the curiosity of his worthy sire, but a glance at the old man's
cciuntenance changed his '"notion," and he remarked that
" Bill was a long ways the best hand."

Bill, who did not deem Simon's modestv an omen favour-

IGG

TJJAITS OF AMIUilCAX HlJMOi:iI.

able to liiinscir, was iiicliucd to ro('Ij)rocntt' coinpliinonts mIDi
liis youiiL,' master; Imt a i;;('st iirc of iiii|)ali('ii('i' iVoiii tin- (»!i|
iiiaii tiL't him instantly upon his kiic-'S ; aiul, briidiiii; I'oi'ward,
ho u>sa)(.Ml to lay hidd with his tcrlh, of 1 he pt-'j;, ^vhi(•h Siiiioii,
just ut; that moiiu'iit, very wic-kcilly })iished half an iiudi fiu--
i hur down.

.1 list as the liivt'clu's and hido of tlie bov wore strot'-licd to

* • 1 •

Iho ulti'i'inost, (dd Mr Su^ljh hron^ht down his lon;j;('st bicl-ory,
with botli li;nids, npon tho precise? spot wluru the tt'iision was
greatest. Witli a loud yell, IJill plunged forward, uj)settinu;
iSinmn, and rolled in the<;rass. ruld)ing the castigated pai't witli
fearful ejiergy. Simon, though overthrown, was ludiurt ; and
lie was nu'ntally conipiimenting himself upon the sagacity
which had ])revenled his illusti'ating the game of nium!)le-j)eg,
for the paternal amusement, when bin attention was arrolid
by that worthy person's stooping to pick iij) something — what
js it? — a eai'il upon which Snnon had been sitting, am! which,
therefore, had lujt gone ^vith the rest of the pack into his
[)oeket.

'J'he simph.' ]\Ir Sumis had only a vague id(>a of tb(> ])aste-
board abomination caiKvl cards; and thougli be decidedly in-
clined to the opinion that this was one, he was by no means
certain of the fact. Jlad Simon known this, he would certaiidy
have escaped; but be did not. His father, assuming the look
(f extreme wapiency which is always worn by the interrogator
who does not di'siro or expect to increase his knowledge by his
questions, asked,

" What'rf this, Simon?"

"The Jack a-dinuuits," prom])tIy responded Simon, wlm
gave uj) all as lost after \.\\\^J'((n.v [xis.

" What was it doin' down thar. Simon, my sonnv ? " co!i-
tinned ]Mr Suggs, in an ironically all'ectionate tone of voice.

'• 1 had it under my leg thar, to malce it on IVdl, the first
time it come trumps," was the ready reply.

'' What's trumps?" asked Mr Suggs, witli a view of arriv-
ing at the import of the word.

''^Nothin' ain't trumps noio,^'' said Simon, wha niisapprc-
bended his father's meaning, '" but clahs was, when you come
along and busted up tlie game."

A part of this answer was Greek to tlie Eevercnd ^Ir Sugg?,
but a portitJii of it was full of meaning. They bad, then, 1110.4
liiKpiestionably been "throwing" cards, the scomidrels! the
'•oudacioiis " little hellions!

"To the ' 31.ulbeiTy,' with both on ye! in a hurry," said
the old man, slcrnly.

]lav

tiie

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMUl'I^

107

bv iii^

eon-

lOK'O.
lie llTi^t

1. im.'.-'t
U! the

"Rut tlio Imls -wrro iu>( dispiKcd to be in a " Inirry," for
•mIh; Mulberry " was llic Hccne of nil forninl ])U?iisiniu'iit :ul-
luinistci'cd (liirini; ^\(l^k hours iu the liehl. Siiiittii I'dllnwcd his
lather, however; hut made, as he went aloui;, nil inamu'r ot'
"faees" nt the old man's back ; pestieulated as if he were j!;o.
ini; to strike him hetween the shoulders with his lists; unci
kicking' nt him so as almf)st to touch Ins eoat-tail with his shoe.
In this si vie thev walkecl on to the mulberrv-treo, in wlioso
siiade Simon's brothei- Hen was restini^,

Jtnnistiiot he supi'dsed that, (hiriu_:;th(M\;i!k totlie plnro of
j)nnishment, ISimon's mind was either inactive or enu'a;^n'd in
su<,'2;estinij^ the <j;rimaces and contortions wherewith \w waa
])antoniimically exjn'e.-sing Iris irreverent senlimonls towan's
iiis lather, l-'ar iVom it. The movements ei" hi.s limhs and
features were the mere workinpja of habit — the s(df-2;riudiuL!; of
the cor[)oreal nutchine — for which Ids reasoruncj halt" was only
remotely responsible. I'or while Simon's porson was thus ou
iis own account, "making i^ame" of old Jede'liah, liis wits, in
view of the anticijiated llo<}^,C!;ing, were dashing, springing,
liniiuding, darting about, in hot chase of some ex[)edient suii-
ahle to tlio necessities of the case — much aft(M' 'lie manner in
which puss, when ijetty, armed with the br(M)!ii, and hotly
seeking vengeance for the pantry robbed or room defiled, lia^i
closed upon :or the garret doors and windows, I'ttemp' ■ tdl
si'rts of im[)ossible exits, comes down at last in the c> rner,
^\ilh panting side and glaring eye, exhausted r.id dcd'enceless.
Our unfortunate hero could devise iiothinL; by which he could
reasonably expect to esca[)e the heavy blows of Ids father.
Having arrived at this conclusion aiul the "jMulIu-rry " about
liie same time, lie stood with a dogged look, awaiting the
i:jsue.

The old man Siig-n-s made no r(>mark to any one while he
v;as seizing up .Bill — a process which, though by no nieau3
novel to Simon, seemed to excite in him a sort of painful in-
ti'rest. He watched it closely, as if to learn the precise ,ashion
of his father's knot; and when at last Jjill was strung up a-
tiptoe to a limb, and the whipping commencerl, Simon's eye
followed every movement of his father's arm; and as each
blow descended upon the bare shoulders of his sable friend, hid
own body writhed and "wriguled" in involuntary sympathy.

"It's the devil! — it's tarnation," s;iid Simon to himself,
'Mo take such a wallopin' as that. AVIiy the old man looks
like he wants to git to the holler, if be cou'mI — rot his picter I
It's wnth, at the least, fifty cents — ^_ic-e-miny, how f//i/( hurt I —
yes, it's w uth three-(|uarters uf a d(;llar, to take tluit 'ere lick-

..«»,.

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TEST TARGET (MT-3)

1.0

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l^m |2.5

|5o "^~ Hi^B

2.0

Hf ufi

1.8

•

L25

1.4 1 1.6

>■

Photographic

Sciences

Corporation

23 WEST MAIN STREET

WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580

(716) 872-4503

■^

108

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

in' ! Wonder if I'm * prodeatinatod,' as old Jcd'diali says, to
^et the follor to it ? Lt^rd, how daddy blowa ! 1 do wish hcM
bust righ.t open, the dani'd old deer-t'ace ! If 'twan't for Ben
helpin' him, 1 b'liuve I'd p[ive the old dog a tust^el when it
comes for mv turn. It couldn't make the tiiinn: no wuss, if it
didn't mak<; it no better. Drot it ! what do boys liave daddies
for, anyhow? 'Taint for nuthin' but jist to beat 'em and
>vork 'em. There's some use in mammies — 1 kin poke my fin-
ger right in the old 'oman's eye, and keep it tliar, and if I say
it aint thar, she'll say 'taint tliar, too. 1 wish sh.e was here to
liold daddy oil'. If 'twan't so fur, I'd holler for her anyhow.
How she would cling to the old feller's coat-tail ! "

Mr Jedediah ISuggs let down Bill, and untied him. Ap-
proaching Simon, whose coat wasolf:

*' Conie, Simon, son," said he, " cross them hands, I'm gwiuo
to correct you."

" It aint no use, daddy," said Simon.

" VVhvso, Simon?"

" Just bekase it aint. I'm gwinc to play cards as long as
I live. When I go off to myself, I'm gwine to make my livin'
by it. So what's the use of beatin' me about it ? "

Old Mr Suggs groaned, as he was wont to do in the pulpit,
at this display of Simon's vieiousness.

"Simon," said he, '"you're a poor ignunt creetur. You
don't know^ nothin', and you've never been no whars. If I was
to turn you oft', you'd starve in a week."

" I wish you'd try me," said Simon, " and jist see. I'd win
more money in a week than vou can make in a year. Then'
aint nobody round here kin make seed corn otf o' me at cards.
I'm rale smart," he added, with great emphasis.

" Simon ! Simon ! you poor unlettered fool. Don't you
know that all card-players and chicken-righters, and horse-racers
go to hell ? You crack-brained creatu»'' you. And don't you
know that them that play cards always lose their money,
and—"

" Who wins it all then, daddy ? " asked Simon.

" Shet your mouth, you imperdent, shick-jaw'd dog. Your
daddy's a-tryin' to give you somegoodadvice, and you a-pickin'
up his words that way. I know'd a young man once, when I
lived in Ogletharp, as went down to Augusty and sold a hun-
dred dollars' worth of cotton for his daddy, and some o' them
gamboUers got him to drinkin', and the veri/Jlrd night he was
with 'em they got every cent of his money."

"They couldn't get my mouf^y in a wcck'^ said Simon.
" Anybody can git tnese here grecu fcllowa' money : them's

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

IGi)

lays, to

^1) heM
or Jk'ii
hen ii
ss, if it
:ladclio^^
;m aiul
my fin-
it' I say
here to
nyhow.

Ap.

[1 gWlU'J

lon^ as
IV livin'

) pulpit,

'. Yon
f I was

I'd win

Tiiere
.t cards.

ii't you
e-raeer:4
ni't vou

money,

Your
-piokin'
wlien I

a hun-
o' them

lie was

Simon.
them'6

sort I'

A[\ Here's what kin

iiu' sort ini a-p;wine to wateli for, mysei
lix tlie papers jist about as nice as anybody."

'' AVell, it's no use to ari^ify about tlie matter," said old
.ledediah ; " AVhat saitli the lScri])tur' ? ' lie that beijjetteth a
fool, doetli it to bis sorrow.' llence, Simon, you're u poor,
miserable fool ! so, cross your hands ! '''

" You d jist as well not, daddy. I tell you I'm jrwino to
follow p^ayin' cards for a livin', and what s tlie use o' ban,i;in'
a feller about it ? I'm as smart as any of 'em, and Bob ISnulIi
says them Augusty fellers can't make rent o' me."

The Ileverend INIr lSu;;gs had, once in his life, gone to Au-
gusta; an extent of travel whicli in those days was a little un-
usual. His consideration amonjj bis neiuhbours was consider-
ably increased by the circumstance, as he had all the benefit
of the popular inference, that no man could visit the city of
Augusta without acquiring a vast superiority over all his
unt ravelled neighbours, in every depai'tment of human .know-
ledge. Mr Suggs, then, very naturally felt inefl'ably indignant
that an individual who had never seen a collection of human
habitations larger than a log-house village — an individual, in
short, no other or better than Bob !Su)ith — should venture to
express an opinion concerning the manners, customs, or any-
thing else appertaining to, or in any wise comiected with, the
ultima thulc of back-woods Georgians. There were two pro-
positions which witnessed their own truth to the mind of Mr
Suggs — the one was, that a man who had never been at Au-
gusta, could not know anything about that city, or any place
or thing else ; the other, that one who had been there must, of
necessity, be not oiily well inibrmed as to all things connectiil
with the city itself, but perfectly an fait upon all subjeols
whatsoever. It was therefore in a tone of Tiiingled indignation
and contempt that he replied to the last renuu-k of Simon.

''Bob Smith says — does he? And who's Boh Smith/
Much does Boh SuMh know about Augusty ! He's been
tliur, I reckon! Slipj)ed off yarly some mornin' when no-
body waru't uoticin', and got back afore night! It's ouJi/ ii
hundred and fifty mile. Oh yes, Boh Smith knows all about
it ! / don't know nothin' about it ! / a"nt never been to Au-
gusty — I couldn't find the road thar I reckon, ha ! lui ! Boh —
Siiii — tk ! The eternal stink ! if he was only to see one o'
theni fine gentlemen in Augusty, with his tine broad-cloth and
bell-crown hat, and shoe-boots a-shinin' like silver, he'd take
to the woods and kill himself a-runnin'. Bob Smith ! tliat's
v.liar all your devilment comes from, Simon."

"Bob Smith's as yood as anybody else, 1 judge; and w

170

TlUITrt OF A.Mi:rtICAX lir.MOUK.

licap smfirtor than snino. Tie showed mo how io (Mit Jnclc,"
contimu'd Simon, "and tliat's more tluui some people can do if
they lidve been to Au;^Mistv."

""if JJob JSmitli liiu do It," said the ohl man, "I kin too. T
don't know it by that name ; hut if it's book knowledge or
plain sense, and Bob kin do it, it's reasonable to s'pose that
old Jed'diah ISugi^s won't be bothered bad. Is it any ways
himilyar to the rule of three, Simon ? "

" Pretty mneh, daddy, but not adzactly," said Simon, draw-
ing a pack from liis pocket to explain. " \ow, daddy," he pro-
ceeded, "you see these here four cards is what we call Jacks.
AVell, noAV, the idee is, if you'll take the pack and mix 'cm nil
np together, I'll take olV a passcl from top, and the bottom oiiu
of them I take off will be one of the Jacks."

" ]\le to mix cm fust ? " said Jedediah.

" Yes."

" And yon not to see but the back of the top one, when
you go to ' cut,' as you call it ? "

" Jist so, daddy!"

" And the backs all jist as like as kin be ? " said the senior
Suggs, examining the cards.

"More like nor cow-])eas." said Simon.

"It can't be done, Simon," observed the old man, with
great solemnity.

" Bob Smith kin do it, and so kin I."

" It's agin nater, Simon ! thar a'n't a man in Angusty, nor
on the top of the yearth, that kin do it ! "

"Daddy," said our hero, "ef you'll bet me — "

" AVhat ! " thundered old Mr Sug^-s, " let, did yon snv ? "
and he came down with a scorer across Simon's shoulders—
" me, Jed'diah Suggs, that's been in the Lord's sarvice these
twenty years — inc bet, you nasty, sassy, triflin', ugly — "

"I didn't go to say that, daddy ; that waru't what I ment,
adzactly. I ment to say that ef you'd let me off from this
liere maulin' you owe me. and give me ' Bunch' ef I cut Jack,
I'd give you all this here silver, if I didn't — that's all. To bo
sure, I allers know'd gait wouldn't ir^."

Old Mr Suggs ascertained the exact amount of the silver
which his son handed to him, in an old leathern pouch, for in-
spection. He also, mentally, compared that sum with an
imaginary one, the supposed value of a certain Indian pony,
called ''Bunch," which he had bought for his "old woman's"
Sunday riding, and which had sent the old lady into a fence-
corner, the first — and only — time she had ever mounted him.
As he weighed the pouch of silver iu his hand, Mr Suggs ulssu

TKAIT8 OF AMERICAX lirMurU.

171

t Jnch,"
can do if

1 too. T
led go or
)()se th:it
my ways

311, draw-
" he pro-
ill Jacks.
ix 'cm fill
ttom uiic

ine, v:\\c:\

:he senior

Lan, \Yith

justy, nor

hn sny r
oulders—
vice these

it I ment,
from this
cut Jack,
To bo

the silver
^h, for in-
with ail
Ian pony,
^'Oman's "
o a fence-
ntcd him.
kiggs ulsu

rndoavonrod to analyze the character of tlio transaction pro-
j'oscd by Simon. " Jt sari inly ain't be nolhin' hut cjivin\ no
way it kin be twisted," lie nnu'tnurod to himself. '• 1 /ciioio ho
can't do it, 80 there's no resk. AV^bat makes bcttin' ? The
rcsk. It's a one-sided business, and l"li jist let him give me
all his money, and that'll put all his wild sportin' notions out
of his head."

"AVill you stand it, daddy?" asked Simon, by way of
waking the old man up. " You moiight as well, for the whip-
])in' won't do you no good ; and as for liunch, nobody about
I he plantati(ni won't ride him, but me."

" Simon," replied the old man, '' I agree to it. Your old
daddy is in a close place about payin' for his land; and tliis
here money — it's jist eleven dollars lacking of twenty-live cents
— will help out mightily. But mind, Simon, ef any thing's said
about this hereafter, remember, your/ive me the money."

'•Very well, daddy, and ef the thing works up instid o'
down, 1 s'pose we'll say you give me Bunch — eh?"

" You won't never be troubled to tell how you como by
r>imc]i : the thing's agin natur, and can't be done. W^hat
(lid Jed'diah Suggs knows, he knows as good us anybody.
(Jive me them fixaments, Simon."

Our hero handed the cards to his father, who dropping tlic
plough-line with which he had intended to tie Simon's bauds,
turned his back to that individual, in order to pievent his wit-
nessing the operation o? oui.viiif/. Ho then sat down, and very
leisurely commenced shuilling the cards, making, however, an
exceedingly awkward job of it. Kestive /cinr/s and queens
jumped from his hands, or obstinately refused to slide into the
company of the rest of the pack. Occasionally, a sprightly
Jciiaco would insist on fdcinf/ his neighbour ; or, pressing hia
edge against another's, half double himself up, and then skip
away. But Elder Jedediah perseveringly continued his at-
tempts to subdue the refractory, while heavy drops burst from
his forehead, and ran down his cheeks. All of a sudden, an
idea, quick and penetrating as a rifle-ball, seemed to have en-
tered the cranium of the old man. He chuckled audiblv. The
devil had suggested to ]\Ir Suggs an impromptu " stock," which
would place the chances of Simon — already sufficiently slim in
the old man's opinion — without the range of possibility. Mr
Suggs forthwith proceeded to cull out all the picler canh — so
ns to be certain to include the jurha — and place them at the
bottom ; with the evident intention of keeping Simon's lingers
{'.bove these when he should cut. Our hero, who was (piietly
luokinij over his father's shoulders all the time, did not seem

1 i ^

TKAirS OF AMi:i:iCAN HUMOUR.

alnrmod by lliia disposition of the cards; on tlie contrary, lie
Hinilcd as if lie felt perfcclK' confident of snccess, in spile of it.

" iS'ow, daddy," t^aid tSiiiion, when his falser had announccil
lumself ready, "" narry one of us aint got to look at the cards,
wliile I'm a ciittin' ; if we do, it'll spile the coiijuration."

" Very well."

"And another thinc^ — you've got to look me right dead i,!
the eye, daddy — will your"

" To be sure — to be sure," said INFr Sugcjs ; " fire away."

yimon walked up close to his father, and jdaced his hand on
the pack. Old Mr Suggs looked in Siiuoirs eye, and Siiiidi
returned the look for about three seconds, during which ados,'
obs(Tver might iiave detected a suspicious working of the wrisi
of the hand ou the cards, but the elder ISuggs did not remark
it.

" AVake, snakes! day's a breakin'! Eise, Jack ! " said Si-
mon, cutting half a do/en cards from the top of the pack, aiul
])resenting the i'ace of the bottom one for the inspection of his
lather.

It was the Jack of Hearts!

Old j\lr JSuggs staggered back several steps, witli uplifted
eves and bands !

" jNlarciful Master!" he exclaimed, " cf the boy haint !

well, how in the round creaticm of the ! ]5en, did you ever !

to be sure and sartin, Satan has power on this yearth ! " aiui
Mr Suggs groaned in heavy bitterness.

" You never seed nothin' like that in Aiifjn.sh/, did ye,
daddy ? " asked Simon, with a malicious wink at Ben.

'• Simon, /loiv did you do it ? " queried the old man, with-
out noticing his son's question.

"Do it, daddy? Do it? 'Taint nothin'. I done it jc^t
as easy as — shootin',"

AVhether this explanation Avas entirely, or in any degree,
satisfactory to the perj)lexed mind of the Elder Jedediah Suggs,
cannot, after the lapse of time which has intervened, be sulli-
ciently ascertained. It is certain, however, that he pressed the
investigation no further, but merely requested his sou Benjami:i
to witness the fact that, in consideration of his love and alVec-
tiou for his son Simon, and in order to furnish the donee wii''
the means of leaving that portion of the State of Georgia, lu'
bestowed upon him the impracticable pony, " Bunch."

" Jist so, daddy, jist so; I'll witness that. But it 'miiK^'-
me mightily of the way mammy r/ive old Trailler the sitle et
bacon, last week. She was a sweepin' up the hath — the me:it
ou the table; old Trailler jumps up, gathers the bacon au'l

iiifrarv, lio
spite of it.

llWlOllIlccd

the caril.-i.

TKA1T8 OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

173

ion.

ht (lead i;i

»>

( away.

is liinid oil
[iiul Siiiui'i
lieh adosi'
t* the wrist
lOt remark

" said Si-
pack, and
tiou of his

(larta ; mammy artor him with tlio broomstick as fur as the
di)or, but seoiii' the doi,' lias ^ot the start, slie shakes tlie stick
at him, and hollers, ' You sassy, aii:j-sukkiii', ro<,Miish, gnatty,
llopped-eared varmint, take it aloniij, take it alonjj; ! i only wish
"twas full of a'snic and ox vomit and blue vilrul, so as 'twould
cut your iutrils into chitlius ! ' That's about the way you
give liunch to Simon."

It was evident to our hero that I'.is fatlicr intended lio
should remain but one more night beneath the paternal roof.
What mattered it to Simon ?

Jle went home at night, curried and fed Buncli ; wln'spered
confidentially in his ear, that lie was the " fastest piece of hoss-
llcsh, accordin' to size, that ever shaded the yearth ; " and
then busied himself in preparing for an early start on the
morrow.

:h uplifted

3oy haint !

1 vou ever !

til!" ami

h/, did y(\

man, with-

lonc it jest

nv dcfrrco,
liah Siiu'Lrs.
d, be sulli-
)ressed tlic
1 Benjamin
and i\i\W-
donee wiili
I, lie

xeorg
J."

t it 'mind ;
the side of
—the mc;it
bacon and

XXXIV.

MY FIRST VISIT TO PORTLAND.

In the fall of the year 1820, I took it into my head I'd go
to Portland. I had heard a good deal about Portland, what a
tine place it was, and how the folks got rich there proper fast ;
and that fall there was a couple of new papers come up to our
place from there, called the " Portland Courier," and " Family
Eeader," and they told a good many queer kind of things,
about Portland and one thing another ; rnd all at once it
popped into my head, and I up and told fatlu \\ and sais,

" 1 am going to Portland whether or no ; and I'll see what
this world is made of yet."

Father stared a little at first, and said he was afraid I
would get lost ; but when he see I was bent upon it, he givo
it up, and he stepped to his chist, and opened the till, and took
out a dollar, and gave to me ; and says he,

"Jack, this is all I can do for you; but go and lead an
honest life, and I believe I shall hear good of you yet."

He turned and walked across the room, '^ut I could see the
tears start into his eyes. And mother sat down, and had a
hearty crying spell.

This made me feel rather bad for a minit or two, and T al-
most had a mind to give it up ; and then again father's dream
came into my miud, and I mustered up courage, and declared

171

Tli.UTS OF AMERICAN m'MOT'R.

TM i^o. So T fnclvolcd up tlio old 1u)ra(% and ]).'i('k('(l in a Inail
of axo-li:ui(ll('S, and a few iiolimis; and molhor tVirtl luc son, •
don<^li-inits, and [)iit 'em ir.lo a box, alonijf with soino clu-i',-'
and sassnufcs, and roppcd nio up aiiotlior shirt, I'or I tohl her \
dichi't know how hjn<^ I should b(> j;on(\ Aiul after J p;ot all
rii;u;ed out, I went round, and hid all the neighbours good-bye,
and jumped in, and drov(» oil" for Portland.

Aunt Sally had been married two or three years befc^o and
moved to Portland ; and I incpured round till 1 found out where
8he lived, and wont there, aiul put tho old horso up, and oat
some sup|)er, and went to bed.

And the next morin"n«jj I c;ot up, and straiirhtoned right off
to see tho editor of the " Portland Courier," for I knew, hv
what I had seen in his pap(T, that he was just the man to tell
me whieh way to steer. And when I come to sec him, I knew
I was right; for soon as 1 told him my name, and what [
wanted, he took me by tlu; hand as kind as if ho had been a
brother, aiuI says ho :

"blister," says he, "I'll do anything T can to assist ynu.
You liave eome to a good town; Portland is a healthy, thriv-
ing place, and any man with a proper degree of enterprise m:iy
do well here. JJut," says he, " stranger," and he looked
mighty kind of knowing, says he, " if you want to make out
to your mind, vou must do as the steam-boats do."

"Well," says 1, "how do they do?" for I didn't know
whn.t a steam-boat was any nuire than the man in the moon.

" Why," says he, " they go ahead. And you must drive
about atnong the folks here, just as tho' you were at home, on
the farm among the cattle. Don't be afraid of any of them,
but figure away ; and, I dare say, you'll get into good busines.s
in a very little while. But," says he, "there's one thing you
must be careful of; and that is, not to get into the hands of
them are folks that trades up round Hucklers' Kow, for
there's some sharpers up there, if they get hold of you, would
twist your eye-teeth out in iive minits."

Well, arter he had gin me all the good advice ho could, T
went back to Aunt Sally's agin, and got some breakfast ; and
then I walked all over the town, to see what chance I could
find to sell my axe-handles, and things, and to get into busi-
ness.

After I had Avalked about throe or four hours, I come along
towards the upper end of tlu town, where 1 found there were
stores and shops of all sorts and sizes. And I met a feller,
and savs I,

" What place is this ? "

TRAITS OF A^IKUICAX IIL'MOri:.

.1 )

111 a In.'iil
nil' soil, •
le clicf,- '
old Ih'P r
I p;ot all
L,M.uLl-byc,

I'Tc'c? aii'l
)ut when'
>, iiiid oaL

I ri<2;1>t ntr
kiu'W, by
an to tell
n, 1 knew
1 what [
ad been a

ssiat you.
by, tbriv-
priso in:iy
lie b)okL'(l
make out

In't know

moon,
nst drive
borne, on
of tbem,

businesj*
tbing you

hands of
Eow, for
ou, would

R could, T
fast ; and
) I could
into busi-

ime along
lere wert)
t a feller,

"^Vhy this," says he, " is ITueklers' IJow."

'• What," says I, " are these the stores where the tradrr.*
iu llucklers' liow keep ? "

And says he, " Yes."

\V\'il then, says I to myself, T liave a pesky pjood mind fo
<;(> in and have a try with one of these chaps, and see if they
can twist my (>ye-te('th out. If they can gi't the best end of ;i
liari^ain out of me, they can do what there ain't a man in our
Awco can do; and I sliould just like to know what aortof stulf
iliuse ere Portland chaps are made of iSo in 1 j^oes into \\w
hestdookini; store auu)ug 'em. And I see some biscuit lying
on the slujlf, and says I,

"Mister, how much do you ax a piece for them arc bis-
cuits ? "

" A cent a piece," says he.

*' AVell," says I, " shan't i^ive you that, but if you've a
luiud to I'll ufive you two cents for three of them, for 1 be<;iu
to feel a little as tho' 1 would like to take a bite."

" Well," says he, " I woiddn't sell 'em to anybody cVso so,
but seeing it's yon, I don't care if you take 'em."

1 knew lie lied, for he never seen me before in his life,
AV^ell, he handed down the biscuits, and I took 'em, and walked
round the store a while, io see what else he had to sell. At
last, says I,

" jNlister, liave you got any good cider ? "

Says he, " Yes, as good as ever ye see."

" Well," says I, " what do you ax a glass for it ? "

" Two cents," savs he.

"AVell," says 1, "'seen.s to me I feel more dry than I do
hungry now. Ain't you a mind to take these ere biscuiis
again and give me a glass of cider ? " and says he,

" I don't care if I do."

So he took and laid 'em on the shelf, again and poured out a
glass of cider. 1 took the cider and drinkt it down, and to tell
the truth, it was capital good cider. Then says I,

" I guess it's time for mo to be agoing," and I stept along
towards the door ; but says he,

*' Stop, Mister, I believe you haven't paid me for the cider."

"Not paid you for the cider!" says I; "what do you
mean by that ? didn't the biscuits that I give you just come to
the cider ? "

"Oh, ah, right!" says he.

So I started to go again, and says he,

" But stop, Mi.ster, you didn't pay me for the biscuit."

" What? " says I, " do you meau to impose upon me ? do

TKAl'"^ or AMKT^ICAN HUMOUR.

you tliink T nm jijoin^; to pny you for tlic bisciiif-^ nnd lof- yn\\
Keep them too? Ain't they tliiTc now on your alii-lt'? \Vli;it
more do you wuut ? 1 guuss, Sir, you duu't whittle iiiu in
that rav.'"'

ISo 1 tnrncil about and marched off, and li-ft tlio feller sfar-
ini» and scratehiiig his head as tho' ho was struck uilh a dun-
derinent.

Ilowsomover, I didn't want to cheat him, only jest to mIuv.v
'em it wan't so easy a maiti r to pull my eye-teeth out ; so ]
called in next day, and j)aid him two cents. Well, 1 stayed rit
Aunt ISallv's a week or two, and I went aliout town every day
to see what cliance 1 could iind to trade olf my axe-handles, or
liiro out, or Hiul some way or other to begin to seek my fur-
tune.

And I must conft'ss the editor of the " Courier" waa about
right in callinu; Portland a pretty ^ood thriving sort of a place;
everybody seemed to bo as busy as so many bees, and the ma."st.s
of the vessels stuck up round the wljarvcs as thick as pine-trees
in Undo Joshua's pa.^tnr(% and the stores and tlio shops were
so thick, it seemed as if there wa:? no end to them. In short,
altho' I have been round the world considei-able, from that tiun^
to this, all tho way from Madawaska to "Washington, I've
never seiMi any place yet, that I think has any business to grin
iit Portland.

XXXV.

T-'

ETLLY AVAllUICK S COURTSHIP AXD MAKRIAOE.

CHAPTER I.

WARRICK IN DISTRES.^.

Piney Bottom, in Old Xortli State,
Jinuary this 4, 1844.

Me Porter,
Sir: — Eein' in grate distrest, I didn't know what to do, till
one of the lawyers councilled me to tell yon all about it, and
git your opinion. You see I are a bin sparkin' over to one
of our nabors a cortin' of IMiss Barbry T3ass, nigh upon these
six muuse. So t'other nite I puts on my stork that cum up

TKAITS OF AMKUir'AN lU'MorU.

177

so hicch lliat T loolcM lilco <iur Kn id paradin of the milortary
on (iiiiral '^histcr, trviti' to lodk over old Sti:»|)'a yt'ai\s--l\('
liolds aicli a lii^h liod when lu? kiiows that lir's got on liirf
lioldstufH and [listiiU mid lus tfovvsiMi and sicli like, tor lie's a
iiiity i)rond Ijo.ss. I. had on a linun shni'l kijlh'r utaridu'd stif,
that cniri up nionstnis hii^di rite under my years, so that
cv'ry time I turnM my IhnI it ni:;h saw'd otl" ujy years, and
they arc so soro that f had to put on some dray's intment,
which draw'd so hard, that it' I hadn't wash'd it in sope-suds I
ilo bleve it would a (h'.nv'd out my branes. 1 ]Mit on m • new
brichea that is new i'aslion'd and o[H'11s down belon\ and iLlu(d\
me liigii a (piarter ot' a houro to bulten 'em, and they had
straps so titu I eould hardly bend my kneas — I had on my
new uasteeoat and a diekv bussam with rulUes on eaeh side,
and my white hat. I had to be perlirlar niee in spittin' my
terbaceer juce, i'or my sloi'k were so hij;h 1 had to jerk baek
my head liivo yon have seed one of them ISnapjack bu<;s. Con-
sidrin' my wisknrs luuln't grow'd out lonij; enutV, as I wero
coneeety to think that I look'd middliu' peart, and my old
ni''Lrer 'oman A^mius said I look'd nice enulV for a I3rvde.

It tuek one bale of good eotting and six biisiiils of pecse to
pay for my elose. Dod drot it, it went sorter hard ; but when
1 tho't how putty she did look last singin' sehool day, — with
her eyes as blue as inuiger, and hei teath while aS milk, aiul
sieh long curlin' hare hanging clea. down to her belt rihhun,
and sieh butitul rosy eheaks, and lipsas red as a oek Keii-burd
in suow time, and how she squeased my hand when I gin her a
oringe that I gin six cents lor — 1 didn't grudge the price.

jNIr Porter — when 1 got to old Miss Basses bars, jist after
nite, sieh streaks and cold fits cum over me worse than a feller
with the J3uck agur, the furst time he goes to shute at a dear.
My kneas got to trimblin', and I could hardly holler " get out "
to Miss Basses sou Siah's dog, old Troup, who didn't know mo
in my new geer, and cum out like all creashuu a barkin' ama/in'.
!Scs I to myself, ses I, what a fool you is — and then I thort
what Squire Britt's nigger man, Tony, who went to town last
week, told me about a taler there, who sed that jist as soon lie
got thru a makin' a sute of close for a member of assembly to
go to Kawley in, he 'speeted to come out a cortin' of INIiss j^ar-
bry. This sorter raised my dander — for he's shockin' likely,
with black wiskurs 'cept he's nock-nead — with hia hart all
comdc'd to one side like the Chapel Hill boys and lawyers.
Then I went in, and after how-dy'ing and shakin' hands, and
sorter squcasin' of Barbry's, I sot down. There was old jMiss
Bass, Barbjy and Siah Bass, her brother, a monstrous hand at

17S

TKAIT.S OF AMKKICAN lirMnTK.

podsiiujH — old KiiriU'l llanl,a ;,'<)iii to ('(,rt and stopp'd short to
rito to old Miss I'assc.s will, witii S(|uiro IJritt and one ol' llm
nahors to witness it all rite anil atratc. This kindiT shock'd iiu!
— lill Kiiriu'l lianl, a nii'_;lity pcrlilc man, srd, ^^cs \\v :

" Mv Warrii'Ii, you an; a lookin' om-oiiniiKU yiiiart."

'* V('>i," scs I," Knrncl (a sorter ciittiu' my vyv at llarbr^\),
miiMlin' well in body — but in mind—"

"' All, I SL'O," SI'S 111- (cuttin* oi my diseoorsi-), *• I undrrstap I
tliat you aro" — (Mr Porli-r, I tbri^ct the dixonary wordd lie
HL'd,— 'but it wcro that I wero in luvf). It' you could have; si-t'd
my face ami felt it burnt', you would :i tho't that you had th •
billyous lever; and as lor Jiarbry, now want she red as a
turkey-cock's jl,'I11s — and hIk; ^ump'd np and said, " Ma'asn," and
run outer the room, tho' nobody on year! h that I heerd on ealKil
her; and then 1 heerd Polly Cox — drot her pictur ! — who is
hired to weeve — a snii,'L>;rin' at me.

Arter a wlnle, tSijuiro Brilt and tho nabor went oil'— an I
Siah he went a eoonin' ot' it with his doijs, but driv old Troup
back, for he's doth on rabbits ; and old Miss liass went out, and
Xurnel Hard, arter taken a drink oulen his cheer-box, he ijot;
behin' the door and sliuck'd himself and got \\\to one of the beds
in tho fur L'(i\\({ of the room.

Arter a wliile, old Miss JJasscum back, and sot in the chiiii-
bly corner and tuck olf her shoes, and then tuck up her pipe
and went to smokin' — the way she rowl'd the smoke out v,:!s
astonishiu' — and cv'ry now and then she struck her head and
sorter gron'd like, what it were at I don't know, 'eejjt she were
bothered 'bout her consarns — or thinkin' 'bout her will whicii
she hadjist siued. iiimoby Barbry cum back, andsot onachci r
dost by me. IShe was u workiii' of a border that looked mity
line.

Se3 I, " ]Miss Barbry, what ia that that you're seamstrin^j
so plaguy putty ? "

»es she, " It teent nothin'."

Up hollered old JNEiss Bass :

" Why," sea she, " Mr AVarrick, it's a nitr-cap, and wliat on
tho Lord's yearth young peplo now-a-days works, and laces, and
befrils nite-caps fur, /can't tell — it beets me — bedizinin' out
their heads when they're gwaiu to bed, just as if anybotly but
their own peple seed 'em; and there's young men with wiskurs
on their upper lip ; it want so in my day, but young people's got
no sense — bless the Lord ! oh me — "

'• Lord, mammy," ses Barbry, " do hush."

Ses old Miss Bass, " I shaan't — for it's the nat'ral truth."

Miss Burbry then begun a talkin' with me 'bout the faab-

woul

TKAITS or AMKUICAN' lIirMoUR.

17:)

i>r tiu!

L'U'd \uc

>:irbrv),

iVC Sl'l'll

IkuI til"
'lhI as :i
iMi," ami
:)U call* il
— wIjo is

oil'— an 1
Id 'rroup
; out, and
X, he |j;()t
:"the beds

tlu' eliini-

out was

ead ami
she were

11 which
Duaclu'! r

led uiily

L'aniatrinj

what o!i
hicoH, and

znuu

' out

>rbody but
h wiskur^
ople's gut

'al truth."
the iaab-

inw, wlu'U 1 were in town, but (dd Miss Hasa broke in, and sim
f.ie,

"Yea, thev telU me that the u;als in town ha-i injnn-rulihiT
things blowed up and tii-s arouii' there wastes, and makes 'fui
li)id; l)iL,'i,'i*r behin' than al'ori' — for all the world like an ''»muu
wa.s sorter in a enrous way bidiind."

Thinks 1, what's eomin' ni'xt — w hen old ^Tiss Hass, knoekin'
tlu' ashes outor iu>r pipf, f^i'thon'd uj) her shusi» anil went otK.
Then iJarbry blushed ami beu^un talkin' 'bout thesiu'^in' meet in*,
ami kinder teelied me up 'bi»ut l)eiii' loud ol" spurkia' JJlei-y
JiOoiiiis — jist to see liow I'd talve it.

" Wtdl," ses T, "she's 'bout the likeliest n;;\l \i\ this sot llement,
and 1 rekon mity ni<^di the sniartest; they t(dls me she kin spin
uu)rt! euta in a day, and eard her own rolls, and dan^e harder
and longer, ami sin;^s mori' songs outer the ^lissuuary Jlaruioay,
than any ^'al in the country."

Vou see, Mr Porter, I tho't I'd si/.e her ])ile,

JSes she, sorter poutin' up and jist tossin' her lu'ad, " If
them's your sentiments why don't you eort her ? J^'or my i)art,
J knows sev'ral yoiinu; ladies that's jist as wmart, ami can sin'^
as many songs, and dance as well, and as for her beiu' the pretti-
est. Laws u mersy ! sher — you suouidu'L judi^e for me sposiu' /
was a man ! "

1 thot I'd come a^In, but was sorter feard of runinn' tlio
thing in the groun'. Tiien 1 drawd up my cheer a leetle closer,
and were jist about to talk to the spot, when 1 I'elt choky, and
the trimbles tuck me oucommon asLouishiu'.

!Ses Harbry, lookin' rite up in n)y face, and 'sorter (piiv'rin'
in her talk, ses she, " Mr XVarriek, go jducis gracious ! ic/uU dues
ale you ? "

ISes I, liardly abel to talk, " It's that drotted tliree-day agur
I cotch'd last fall a cleariii' in the new grouns; I raly bleve it;
will kill me, but it nuikes no odds, daddy and mammy is botli
d(Hl, and I'm the only one of six as is left, and nobody
would kear."

^es she, lookin' rite mournful, and holdin' down her bed,
" Billy, w hat dues make you talk so ? you auter know that there's
one that would kear and greve too."

Ses I, peartin' up, '• 1 should like to know if itar an'oman ;
for if it's any gal that's 'spectable and creddittable, I could lo\o
her like all creashun. Barbry," ses 1, takin' of her haiul,
" ain't I many a time, as I sot by the tire at home, all by my
lone self, ain't I considered how if I did have a good wife how
1 could work for her, and do all 1 ct)uld for her, and make her
pleasant like and happy, and do ev'rything for her '? " Well

ISO

VIS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

liiirbry she lookM up to me, and seem'd so inoriifid and p.ia*,
and tears in her sweet eves, and pretendin' slie didn't know 1
held lit'i' hand, that 1 c )ukl not help savin' : '• Barbry, if that
Humbody that keured was only 2/011, I'd die for you, and be
burry'd a dozen times."

ISho trinibl'd, and h)ok'd so pretty, and sed nothin', I couhln't
help kissin' her ; and seein' she didn't say '• quit," I kisj^ed her
]iigh on seven or ei^ht times ; and as old jNIiss Bass had <j^one
to bed, and Kurnel Hard was a snoriji' away, I want [)ertieillar,
and 1 sposG I kiss'd her too loud, for jist as I kissed her the last
time, out hollered old Miss Bass :

"My lord! Barbry, old Troup is in the milk-pan ! I heard
him snmckin' his lips a liekin' of the milk. Git out, you old
varjiMut ! — git out! "

Seein' how the gander hopped, I jumped up, and hollered,
" Git out, Troup, you old raskel !" and opened the door to make
bleve I let him out.

As for Barbry, she lafled till she was nigh a burstin' a
hoklin' in, and run out; and 1 heerd Kurnel Hard's bed a
ishakin' like he had my three day agur. AV^ell, 1 took totlui*
bed, after havin' to pull my britches over my shuse, for 1
couldn't unbutton my straps.

xsiixt mornin' I got up airly, r^nd Siah axed me to stay to
breakfast, but I had to feed au old cow at the free pastur, and
left. Jist as I got to the bars, i meets old jMiss Bass, and ^es
she, "]Mr Warrick, next time you see a dog a liekin' up milk,
don't let him do it loud enulf to wake up ev'rybody in the house
— perticelar when there's a stranger 'bout."

And Barbry sent me word that she's so shamed that she
ne' or kin look mo in the face agin, and never to come no morr.

Mr Porter, what shall I do ? I feel oncommon sorry and
distrest. Do write me. I seed a letter from N. P. Willis lu-
ther day in the Nashunal lutelligensur where he sed he had.i
hedake on the top of his pen ; I've got it at both eends, for my
hands is crampped a writin', and my hart akes. Do write mo
what to do.

jN^o more at pressence, but remane

Wii. Wakrick.

TRAITS OF AMKKICAN HUMOUR.

ISl

lid p.iiiN
know 1

, if that
auel he

couldn't
issed her

lad ii;onc
srticillar,
.• the lubt

I lieard
you old

hollered,
7 to make

Durstin' fi
I's bed a
ok tother
.se, for I

o stay to
istur, and
?, and ^es
up milk,
the house

that she
no more
sorry and
IWillis tu-
be bad a
s, for my
Avrite mc

CHAPTER II.

WARRICK I\ LUCK.

" I'd orfon licord it s;iid oh Into,
D;it Norf Carolina was do state
AVliar luui'sonic boys am bouiul t) sliine,
Like Dandy Jim of do Caroline," i:o.

Pinoy Bottom, in Old North Stnto,
3larcli 21, this 1S14.

Mr Pouter,

I rode three mile ovry Satterdy to git a letter outer the
Post Ofiis. speetin' as liow you iiad Nvritnie a anser ; but I spose
what with Pitioter do^s, and bosses, and Kricket, and Boxin',
and Texas, Trebla, and three Pannys, and Acorns, and Punch
in portielar, you hain't bad no time. I'm pjlad your Spcerit is
revivin' ; so is mine, and, as the boy sed to his mammy, I liopes
to be better acquainted witli you.

Well, I ^ot so sick in my speerits and droopy like, that I
thot I should ey died stone ded, not seein' of Parbry for three
weeks. So one eveniri' I went down, spoctin' as how old IMiss
Pass had gone to Sociashnn — for she's mity religus, and grones
sliockin' at prayers — to hear two prechers from the Sanwitch
Hans, Avbere they tell me the peple all goes naked — wlii-.h is
comikil, as factry homespun is cheap, and could aiford to kiver
themselves at nine cent a yard.

AVhen I went in, there sot old IMiss Bass and old IMiss Colh's
a-smokin' and chattin' amazin'. 1 do think old Miss Collia
beats all natur at smokin'.

Old Miss Collis had on her Sundy frock, and had it draw'd
up over her kneas to keep from skorehin', and her petty koats
rased tolerble high as she sot over the fire to be more comfort-
abler like, but when she seed ine she drop'd'em down, and arter
howd'ying and civerlizin' eacli other, I sot down, but being
sorter ilusticated like, thinkin' of tliat skrape, last time I was
here, about old Troup lickin' of the milk, I didn't notis ])ertielar
where I sot. So I sot down in a cheer where Barbry had throw'd
down her work (when she seed me comin' at the bars) and run
— and her nedle stuck shoekin' in my — into me, and made me
jump up oncommon and hollered !

1 thought old xMiss Collis wouldei split wide open a laPan',

182

TRAITS OF A^rrrJC.W TTTTMOUR.

and old ^Miss Bass like to a busted, and axed my pardlng for
Inilin', and I had to j^ive in, but it was lallni' on t'other hide,
and had to rub the place.

Arter awhile we ijot done — but it looked like I had bad
luek, for in sittin' down a^fin I lik'd to have sot on Earbrv's
toni cat, which if I had, I shoulder bin like Kurnel Zip Coon's
wife, who juinp'd into a holler log to mash two young panters
to deth, and they scratched her so bad she couldn't set down
for two munse ! I seed this 'ere in a alnivnack. Old Mis^
33ass, seein' I was bothered, axed me to have a dram, but I
Ihank'd her, no.

Ses she, " Mr Warrick, you ain't one of the Temprite
Siety ? "

Ses I, " No, but I hain't got no 'casiou at presence ! "

Ses she, " You is welcome."

Well, we chatted on some time 'bout prechin, and mumps,
and the measl}'' oitment, and Tyler gripes, and Miss Collis slie
broke out and sed :

" I never did hear the beat of them Tyler gripes ! I have
liearn talk of all sorter gripes, and dry gripes, and always
thought that the gripes was in the stomic, before now, but
bless your soul. Miss Bass, this here gripes is in the bed ! I
told my old man that no good would come of 'lectin' Tyler, but
poor old creeter, he's sorter hard-headed, and got childisli, and
would 0') it. O! me? well, we're all got to come to it and
leve this world ! Bless the Lord ! I hope I'm ready ! "

" That's a fact," ses old Miss Bass, " you're right, INIiss
Collis ; old men gits uncommon stubborn ; a hard, mighty
bard time I had with my old man. But he's ded and gone !
I hope he's happy ! "

And they both groaned and shet their eyes, and packed up
their mouths. _

Ses she, " He got mity rumitys and troubled me powerful,
and the old creetur tuck astonishin' of dokter's stuiF, and aleck-
campane and rose of sublimit — but he went at last ! The
Lord's will be done ! — ;S'/tYr^ .' you stinkin' hussy, and come out
of that kibbard ! " ses she to the cat : " I do think cats is
abominable, and that torn cat of Barbry's is the 'scheviousest
cat I ever did see ! "

Ses Miss Collis, " Cats is a pest, but a body can't do well
without 'em ; the mice would take the house bodily," ses she.
" Miss Bass, they tell me tliat Dicey Loomis is a-gwying to be
married — her peple was in town last week, and bort a power of
things and artyfishals, and lofe sugar, and ribbuus, and cheese,
and sich like! "

TKAITS OF AMEHICAN HUMOUR.

183

but

fc, Miss

mighty

gone !

" Why," ses j\riss ]3a?is, " you don't tell me so ! Did I ever
hear the beat o' that ! INliss Collis, are it a fact ? "

"Yea," ses Miss Collis, "it's the iiat'ral truth, for brother
Bounds tell'd it to me at last class meetin'."

ISes Miss Bass, hollerin' to Barbry in t'other rooui : " Bar-
hry, do you hear that Dicey Loomis is gwying to git married ?
Well! well! it beats me! bless tlie Lord! I wonder wiio
she's gwying to get married to, INIiss Collis ?"

Ses Miss Collis, " IS'ow, child, vure too hard for me! but
tliey do say it's to that Taier from Town. Well, he's a })utty
man, and had on such a nice dre.^s — 'cept he's most too much
nock-nead, sich eyes and sick whiskers, and now donH he play
the fiddle ? "

Ses Miss Bass, " "Well, Dicey is a middlin' peart gal, but
for my part I don't see what the taler seed in //er."

"!\(>r 1 nuther," ses Mjss Collis, " but she's gwine to do
well. I couldn't a sed no if he'd a axed for our Polly."

Then in comes Barbrv, and we how-dv'd and both turned
sorter red in tlie face, and I trimbl'd tolerable and felt agurry.
Well, arter we talk'd a spell, all of us, Miss Bass got up and
ses she,

" Miss Collis I want to show you a nice passel of chickens ;
our old speckled hen come olf with eleven, yisterdy, ao nice as
ever 3'ou did see."

Then old Miss Collis riz up, and puttin' her hands on hei*
liips, and stratened like, and ses, right quick,

" Laws a massy ! my poor back ! Drat the rumatics ! It's

oh, me

me!"—

powerful bad ; it's gwyne to rain, I know !
and they both went out.

Then Barbry look'd at me so comikil and sed,

" Billy, I raly shall die thinkin' of you and old Troup ! '*
and she throw'd herself back and lafled and lalied ; and she
looked so putty and so happy, ses I to myself,

" Billy "Warrick, you must marry that gal and no mistake,
or brake a trace ! " and I swore to it.

"Well, we then talk'd agreeable like, and sorter saft, and
both of us war so glad to see one another till old Miss Bass
and Miss Collis come back ; and bimeby Miss CoUises youngest
sou come for her, and I helped her at the bars to get up be-
hin' her son, and ses she,

" Good-bye, Billy ! Good luck to you ! I know'd your
daddy and mammy afore you was born on yerth, and I was
the fust one after your granny that had you in the arms — me
and Miss Bass taWd it over ! you'll git a smart, peart, likfhi gal !
ISo good-bve, Billv."

18 i

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ses T, " Good-bye, Miss Colli'f?," and ses I, " Gooly, tako
good kejir of your niamniy, my sou ! "

You see 1 tliot I'd be perlite.

AVell, when I vvent back, there sot old INIiss Bass, aud ses
she,

" Billy, Miss Collis and me is a bin talkin' over you and
Barbry, and seein' you are a good karickter and smart, and
well to do in the world, and a poor orpliin boy, I shan't say
no! Take her, Billy, and be good to her, and God bless you,
my son, for I'm all the mammy you've got," so she kiss'd me,
and ses she, "now kiss Barbry. We've talk'd it over, and
leave us for a spell, for it's hard to give up my child."

So I kissed Barbry, and left.

The way I rode home was oncommon peart, and my old
mare pranced and was like the man in Skriptur, who " waxed
flit and kick'd," and I hurried home to tell old Venus, and to
put up three shotes and some turkies to fatten for the innfare.
Mr Porter, it's to be third AVensday in next month, and Bar-
bry sends you a ticket, hopin' you wJU put it in your paper —
that is, the weddin'.

So wishin' you a heap of subskribers, I remane in good
helth and speerits at presence,

Your Friend,

"Wm. Waerick.

CHAPTER in.

■WAEmCKS WEDDING.

Described in a letter by an '■'■ old Jlame^^ of his.

Pincy Eottom, this July 9, of 1844,
IMiss Polly Stroud,

Dear Maddam. — I now take my pen in hand cf the pre-
sence oppertunity to let you know how we are all well, but I
fan purry in spirits hopin' this few lines may find you the same
by gods mercy as I have been so mortfiydel could cry m}'- eyes
out bodily. Bill Warrick, yes Bill "\Vairick, is married to
Barbry Bass! I seed it done — a mean, triflin', deceevinist
creetur — but never mind — Didn't I know him when we went
to old field skool — a little raggid orfiin Boy, with nobody to
patch his close torn behin, a makin of a dicky-dicky-dout of

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

1S5

liimseir — cause liia old nigger 'ojiian A'enus was too lazy to
mend 'em ? Didn't I know liiin when he couldn't make a pot
lirok or a hanger in his copy book to save his lite, as for niakin
of a S he always put it tother way, jist so, ^ backwards. And
then to say I were too old for him, and that he always conceited
I was a sort of a sister to him ! O Polly Stroud, he is so likely,
j)e)'ticlar when he is dressed up of a Sunday or a frolick — and
what is worser his wife isprutty too, tho' I don't acknowlige it
here. Only too think how I doated on him, how I used to save
bosim blossoms for him, which some peo{)le call sweet sentid
shrubs — and how I used to put my hand in an pull them out
for him^ and how I used to blush wlien he sed they was sweeter
for comin' from where they did ? Who went blackberryin' and
liuckleberryin' with me? who always rode to preechun with
me and helped me on the bos ? who made Pokebery stains in
dimons and squares and circles and harts and so on at quiltins
ibr me ? — and talkin' of Poke — I do hope to i'atliers above that
Poke w'ill beat Clay jist to spite Bill, for he is a rank distracted
Whig and secreterry to the Clay Club — who always threaded
my nedle and has kissed me in perticler, in playin' of kneelin'
to tlie wittyist, bowin' to the puttyist, and kissin' of them you
love best, and play in Sister Peebe, and Oats, Peas-Beans
and Barley grows — at least one hundred times ? Who wated
as candil holder with me at Tim BoHns weddin', and sed he
knowd one in the room hcd heap rather marry, and looked at
me so oncommon, and his eyes so blue that I felt my face burn
for a quarter of a hour ? who I do say was it but Bill AV^arrick ?
— yes, and a heap more ! If I haven't a grate mind to sue him,
and would do it, if it wasn't I am feared lied show a Voluntine
I writ to him Peberary a year ago. He orter be exposed, for
if ever he is a widderer, he'll fool somebody else the same way he
did me. It's a burnin' shame, I could hardly hold my head up
at the weddin'. If I hadnt of bin so mad and too proud to let
hiin see it I could cried severe.

Well, it was a nice weddin' ; sich ice-cakes and minicles,
and raisins, and oringis and hams, flour doins and cliickin
fixins, and four oncounnon fattest big goblers rosted I ever
seed.

The Bryde was dressed in a white nuislin figgured over a
pink satin pettycote, with white gloves and satin shoes, aiul
lier hair a curlin' down with a little rose in it, and a chain
aroun her neck. I don't know whether it was raal gool or
plated. She looked butiful, and Bill did look nice, and all the
ivindydates and two preechers and Col. Hard was there, and
Bills niggers, the likeliest nine of them you ever looked at, aL'd

186

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

vlion I did look at cm and tliink, I raly tliouglit I sliould or
bn)ke my lu'Mvt.

Woll, eic'li kissin' — several of tlie f^als pcd thnt tliere facr^
burnt like fire, for one of the prcechers and Col. Hard wosn't
t:havod dost.

]>imeby I was a sittin' leanin' back, and Bill lie come bcbia
1110 and sorter jerked mo back, and sl< eared me powerful for
fear I was fallin' backwards, and 1 skreamed and kicked up my
ieet before to ketch like, and if I hadn't a bad on pantalets I
reckon somebody would of knowd whether I gartered above my
knees or not. We had a right good lalf on old Parson Brown
as he got through a marryin' of em — says he :

" 1 pronounce you, William AV^arrick and Barbry Bass, man
and 'oman," — he did look so when we killed, and he rite quid:
sed — ''man and wife — salute your Bryde," and Bill looked
horrid red, and J^arbry trimbled and blushed astonishin' severe.

Well, it's all over, but 1 don't keer — there's as good fish in
the sea as ever cone outen it. I'm not poor for the likes of
Bill AVarrick, bavin' now three sparks, and one of then from
Town, whose got a good grocery and leads the Quire at church,
outer the ISulheru llarmony, the Alis^^onry llarmouy is gone
outer fashion.

Unkle Ben's oldest gal Suky is gwino to marry a A-^irginny
tobacker roler, named Saint George Drummon, and he says he
is a kin to Jack liandolf and Bokerhuntus, who they is the
Lord knows. Our Jack got his finger cut with a steal trap
catchin' of a koon for a Clay Club, and the boys is down on a
tar raft, and ole J\Iiss Collis and mammy is powerful rumatic,
and the measly complaint is amazin ! I jist heard you have
got two twins agin — that limestone water must be astonishin'
curyous.

What is the fashuns in Tennysee, the biggest sort of
Bishups is the go here. My love to your old man,

Your friend,

Nancy Guitoin'.

To l\riss roily Strmid,

Ni;i-li Xuxvil in tlio State of Tennysee,
Close by where the French Broad and Ilolsin jincs.

Old Miss Collis and mammy is jist come home. Betsy
Bolin is jist had a fine son and they say she is a doin' as well
as could be expected, and the huckleberry crop is short on ac-
count of the drouth.

TRAITS OF AMEHICAN IIUMOm.

Is;

loiild or

»re faoo:s
d wosii't

110 bcluR
crfiil f(ir
?d up mv
ntalets I
ibovo my
11 Brown

3ass, man
'ite quick
11 look?d
u' severe,
od fij^li in
; liices of
be- a IVoiu
at churcii,
\f is gone

Yirginny
\e say 8 he
ley is tlie
steal trap
own on a

rumatie,
you have

tonishin'

sort of

lUITON.

Betsy
II as well
)rt on iic-

XXXVT,

OLll TOWN.

T SPENT a summer in tlie Eastern Stales, for tlie purpnsf*
of studying Yankee cliaracter, and picking up sueh jieculiarities
of dialect and expression as 1 could, from constant communica-
lion witli the " critters " themselves. In Boston, I was thus in-
vited by a countryman to visit the town in which lie lived.

" Wal, stranger, can't you come down our way, and give ua
a show ? "

" Where do you live ? " inquired T.

" Oh, abeout halt' way between this ere and sunrise."

"Oh, yes," said I, adopting at once the stylo of the coun-
Iryman, "I know; where the trees grow under-ground, and
l;i11s weigh two hundred pounds. AV'here some on 'em are so
i.it, they grease tlie cart-wheels with their shadow, and some
on 'em so tliin, you're obliged to look at 'em ^■, ice afore you
can see 'em at all."

" Wal, I guess you've been there," says be, saying which,
the countryman departed.

XXXVII.

" FALLING OFF A LOO," IN A GAME OF '' GETIN UP."

'■ Hoss and boss ! "

" Yes ; * boss and boss,' and my deal ! "

"I'll double the bet and have the whole bottle or none."

" Let me cut, and I'll stand it."

" S'pose we both take a little drink first," said Chunkey.

" No : darned if I do ! thar ain't enough for us both — if T
win I'll drink it, and you must wait till a boat comes, if you die !
If you win, I'll wait, if I die ! "

Such was the conversation between Jim and Chunkey, as
lliey were sitting across a log on the banks of the Yazoo Kiver,
surrounded by a cloud of musquitoes, playing " seven-up " for a
remaining bottle of whisky, which Avas not enough for the two,
aud *' wouldn't set one forward " much. They were just return-

ISS

TKAITS OF A^inillCAX HUMOUR.

inj^ from "Hoar Crook, in Township 17, Eango 1, wlicro llicv
liiid soiiio liiuids (IccuUMiiiij; timber, prcp.irator}' to opcninL; a
planlfitioii ill the Fall. They liad sent the negroes to tlie river
to take a Mleainboat, wliilst tliuy, with tlioir furniture, and the
remains of a forty-two ^alU)n " red-hOiiJ," came down Deer
Creek in a day, out into False Lake, through False Lake into
AVasp Lake, and downtliat to where it empties into the Yazoo,
and here on tlie banks of that river our scene ojiens.

*' Go ahead, then," said Chmikey, " shuffle, deal, and win, if
you can, but take out that Jack what's torn! "

1 took the Jack out, sluillled, dealt, and at it wc wont.
Chunkey looked miglity reared ; his eye was sorter oneasy, niid
dartin' about, and he seemed to be choked as he kept tryin' lo
Kwnller sometlnn' — tlie long beard on his face looked powerful
black, or else his face looked ])Owerful white, one or the 'yetlior.
We both played mighty slow and careful. The lirst hand I
made "high, low," and Chunkey " game ; " the second hand i
made "low, Jack," and Chunkey "liigh, game."

" Four to three," says L

" Yes, and my deal," said Chunkey.

lie gin 'em the iSunnower "si ufde," and I the Big Gron?;,*
"cut," and pushed 'em back. Chunkey dealt 'em mighty slow.
and \\ ^pt tryin' to see my cards, but I laid my hand on 'em as
fast as they fell on the log, to prevent him from seein' the marks.
lie turned up the Ace of Clubs. "When I looked at my hand,
thar was the Xing, Jack, Nine, and Deuce, — I led my King-

" High ! " savs I.

" Low ! " said Chunkey, poppin' down the Tray.

" Not edzactly," said 1, hawlin' in the trick, anil Icadin' tlio
Deuce, and jist as I done so, I seed. Chunkey starin' over my
shoulder, lookin' wilder nor a dvin' bar. 1 never seed a in;' i
look so awful in my life. I thought he were gwine to have a
fit.

"Ya, ya!" said he, "falliii-' olF the log," cryin' "Sued?!
snalce ! "

I never took time to look, but made a big he-spring about
twenty feet in the cane, the har on my head standin' stiif as
bristles and ratlin' like a raftsman's bones, with the Sky lake
ager, and the bad feelins runnin' down to my toes. I reckon
you never seed a man so frightened of snakes as I is, and I've
been so all my life ; Fd rather fight the biggest bar in t]i'.>
swamp with his own weapons, teeth and claws, tnkin it rou^'i
and tumble, dependin' on my mind and knowledge of a bar's
character, than come in contact with a big rusty highland nio-

TIIAITS OF AMKlilCAN IIUM(JLU.

ISJ

loro llicy
)j)('ning a
the river
', ami the
)wn Deer
Lake' into
ho Yazoo,

md win, if

\VG went.
neasv, nml
b try in' In
I powei'l'iil
10 'vether.
'st liaiid I
iiid hand i

iillitv ^low.
on 'em as
the marks,
fc my liand,
ny king-

oadin' tlio

over my

eed a miv.\

to have ;i

rincj about
in' stiii as
e Sky lake

I reckon

and I'vt'

Dar in the

n it rong'i

of a bar's
'•hland mo-

cnsain or rattlesnake, and lliat's tlie reason T never luints in tho
suuitner-time. Whi'n 1 lived up on Dier Creek, tiiar was a
perfect cord of all yorts, and I used to wear all sunn)\er tho
thickest kind of cow-hide boots, reaehin' up to n>y hips, and I
never went into the Held, 'eeptin on a mule, with a doul)l<'-bar-
relled gun at that. Thiy, Chunkey knowed ; and whenevi'r ho
^ced one lie gin me warnin'. Chunkey ain't afraid of snakrs ;
h^-'il jist as soon eat of a gourd with a snake as not, if the onako
would help himself aiul not mechlle with his lieker.

AVell, arter lookin' about a spell I eouhhi't see no snake-sign,
and I then iiollercd to Chunkey, but darned a word did he say.
It then Hashed across my mind that as Chunkey fell on the side
of the log whar the lieker lay, he i)iir/hf ;H)rt er taste it, as he wero
dry enough to bo able to swaller a Hi tie ai a time ; so I strncl:
a lick back to the log and looked over, and thar he lay, jist
curled up like a 'coon in tho sunshine, (iiid (lie huilh.ji.st tjliail
to his lips, and tho lieker runnin' down his throat like a storm !
darn him, I hadden't no time to think afore I bounced at him !
I struck across his snout, and he nailed my thumb in his jaws,
and rostled up a handful of dirt and throwed it in my eyes, and
that sot me to gwine, and I throwed tho licks into him right;
and left, and I made the fur ily, / fell you ; but Chunkey stood
it like a man! Darned the word did he bay ; he wouldn't hol-
ler, he was perfecth/ (jamc !

"No, that's a fact ! I didn't holler; I didn't have time ;
while you were working away on that gum-knot, I w ere standin'
up agin a little dog-wood linishin' the lieker! "

" How comes it that you never wrung in that part of tho
story about the knot before ! "

" 'Cause, I'd done got the lieker, and I was satisfied ;
you thought you'd gin me some mighty big licks, and you was
satisfied ; and it would have been mean in me to crow over \ ou
tiieu: you was out of lieker, tobacco, and had your fist all
skinned and beat as soft as a bar's foot ! Oh no, Jim, I'm rea-
sonable, iis."

" Well, yo along ; if! don't set you to gnawin' somethin'
harder than that knot afore long, then my name ain't nothin' i a
me, and I don't car for nobody, that's all."

" All sot," says Chunkey, " let's lieker. You wanted to
know what 'fallin' of a log ' meant, and I thought I'd show you ;
but, my honey, I'll jist let you know if you'd a hit nw any of
them licks what you struck ' right and left ' into that knot, I'd
a gin you a touch of panter fistcuH's — a sort of cross of th(;
scratch ou the bite — and a powerful strong game it is, in a cloye

1!)0

TKAIIS OF AMi:iiICAN' IIUMUL'U.

fii,^]it. C()im», irmts. l(>l/s lickcr, and then I can beat any m.-'n
tliat wars liar, tor a miglity nice cliuiik of a poucy, at any gau.L'
oi' short cards :

Oh, tlio Wiiu'i,">iH'r was a niij;]ity luaii, a iiii;rhty man was lie ;
IJcM pop his w hip, and stretch his chains, ami hullur ' w.i, j^cc I '"

XXXVllI.

A YANICKY CAUD-TABLE.

AViiKN I was about leavinj; Xovv Orl(>ans, ulandinoj upon tin)
Lmce, waitini^ ibr my luggage, 1 was thtis addressed by a lou;,
lean, down-Easter :

'* ISav yeou, which of these things slips up lust ? "

"What?" said I.

" Whieh of these things slips up fust ? "

'■ ]}() you mean which steamboat goes up the river first ? "

"Yes, I'll be darned if 1 don't."

"That one," said 1, pointing to the nearest.

" I'm in an awful hurry to git eout of this. It is so thunder-
ing hot, and I smell the yeller i'axcr all reound."

This individual had a very intellectual forehead, measuring
about an inch and a quarter in height, and punched in at thi*
sides to nuitch. liis eyes were set deep in their sockets, and
something like a pig's, only the colour was not as good. ili.^
nose pushed boldly out, as it started from the lower part of his
forehead, as though it meant to be something, but when it
had reached half its destination, it bent suddenly in like ajjar-
rot's beak. His upper lip was long and thin, and was stretched on
a sort of rack, which was made by a couple of supernumenu-y
teeth, which stuck out very prominently. His chin, too modcj-t;
to attempt a rivalry with his projecting lip, receded backwards
towards the throat, so that, to look at him in front, you did not
perceive that he had any chin at all. His hair was very liglit
and bristly. A snulf-colourcd coat of domestic manufacture
adorned the up[)er r-'\rt of his person. It was an ancient ail'air.
The velvet was worn from the collar in several places, but which
was carefully patched with red llannel, being the nearest ap-
proach to the original colour of the c«jllar that could be foiuid
in liis domestic menagerie of reserved rags. The buttons, wdiieh
one would naturally look for at the bottom of the waist, had
wandered up between his shoulders. The coat was remarkably

TiiAiTs OF a:mi:uican iii'Mori:.

IDL

any mnn
liny i^aii.f

cu!'"

^ upon U'o
by a lou-,

r first

thundor-

measuniii;

ill at tlii^

L-kets, a 11; I

od. His

art of Ills

wlien it

ike a});ii'-

retcht'd on

minierai-y

00 inodt';-t

ack wards

Li did net

very li.^lit

n lit act u 10

ent all air.

)ut whic'li

earest ap-

be I'oiiiid
3118, whicii
vaist, luid
nnarkably

loTif:^, o\tendini; from liiiili up on the Hliouldcrs to the lower part
ot'llu' calvesot'liis len'n. He was sli^liliy rouiid-sli(Mi!(lered,Ho iliat
wli'.ii lie stood ri;;lil 14), a hiiimII lady iniL'jIit liavi' I'oiiiid sli'.Iter in
a rain storm in the vaeaiiey left bi-tweeii the eoat and the back.
Jlis pants, to eommoii observers, would have been called too
nhort, but ho denied this, uverrini; that his lei^x were too loni;
lor his trowsers. On his arm hunu; an old-lashioned eamlet
cloak, with the liniiiLC oI'Ljfccn bai/e haie^Mn'.,' about a (piark-r of
a yard below the edge of the camlet, lie said this was no
fault of the linini,', anyhow; "it i^ot wet, and t'other shrunk a
leotle, but the linitiLj stuck to it like bla/.es." The Yaid<ee w:5h
exceedingly anxious to secure his ])assage by the tirst boat, a^ d
he saiif^ out to some person :

" Say, yeou, w here is the Captain of this consarn. Say, yeou,
(to some one one else,) I Avant the Captain. Look here, XIl;-
gor, show a feller the Captain. Look here, you black sarpint,
don't stick out your lips at me. AVal, I swow, I'll give anybody
tlirte cents that will sliow mo the Captain."

The Captain, lu>aring the noise, steppecl forward, and told
the Yankey if he wished to see the Captain, ho was commander
of the boat.

" Dew tell ? Wal, I swan, you have got a kind of command-
ing way about you, tliat's a tact."

" What do you wish ? " said the Captain."

" AYal, I Avaiit a bathe."

"Very well, jump into the river, theiv is plenty of water."

" I tell you, 1 want a bathe."

" AVell, don't I tell you to jump in, you can swim across if
you like ; we shall uot start just et."

" I want a batlu^ to lie down in. Now do you know whr.t
I mean, daru you ? "

" Oh, you want a berth ? "

" AYal, darn you,-<.lidu't I say bathe? I know what I'm
about, I guess."

" I will accommodate you as far as T can," said the Captain,
" but I've nothing but a mattress to otfer, and that is upon the
cabin floor."

" Dew tell."

" It is the onl}'- one that is vacant, and the cabin floor is
covered with them, so you had better secure it at once."

" AVal, then, I guess I'd better turn right in."

I omitted to mention that he carried a valise in his hand.
Some one rather impertinently asked him what he had in it.

" AVal," said he, " I don't know that it's any of your business,
but I don't mind telling on vou. There is two shirts, cue clean,

102

TK.MTS OF AMKIIICAN HUMOUR.

t'other dirty; a pair of panls al)()ut ns ^ood as lU'W, (m]y n
li'i'tlc worn IjL're and there, and u pair of pistvds. D'ye wailt I
yhoidd taico Vm otit ami .show yon 't "

AVhen he went down to (urn in, lio put the valiso nnder hi<
licad, wraj)pcd his old cloak around him, and threw iiim.self, at
ho said, " into the ariiis of (Jiiinibu.s." The maltres>'es on th''
(jther 8id(} of him were ot-.-upied by aoino ron!';h Kontueky
boatmen. In the middle of the ni;;ht the.^e men got up and
conunen'-ed playini; cardH. Mo table beinjj handy, they made
use of the back of our Yankee iViend for one, ami chalked tin-
reckonin;; of the f^ame U[)on the camlet cloak, which surround-
ed the body of tlu: unconscious .slccipcr. They became interested
ni tlu; came, and be</an to hiv down tlxnr cards with a mi^jht of
list and earnestness of maimer which soon roused up our sloe|)ing
fi'icnd. lie atteiupted to rise, but was held down by cue of thu
party, who exclaimed :

" Lie still, stranger, I've only got three to go, and I hold
the Jack."

" Never mind, I'rn a most smotlicred here, but go ahead,
darn you, ]day (pn"ck and I'll go you halves."

lie accordijigly lay still until they had finished their game,
but whether the Kentucky gambler divided his gains with hi.:;
table, was never satissfactorily ascertained.

XXXIX.

DICK m'coy's sketches of nis neigiibouiis.

L.vsT summer I determined to visit the battle-ground of
the Ilone-S/ioc, toaeeifany vestiges remained of Old dlickorjfs
great fight with the Indians of the Tallapoosa. Fond of all
sorts of aquatic diversion, I concluded to take the river four or
five miles above, and descend to the "Shoe/' and I therefore
employed an oUl crony of mine, Dick ]\['Coy, to take rue down
in a canoe. Dick lives on the bank, and has all the qualitlca-
tions of an otter, for river explorations.

For some miles above the battle-ground the river is a suc-
cession of shallows, broken every mile or two by lovely patched
of smooth, still water, generally bedecked with a green islet or
two, around which the trout love to play. The banks aro
generally large, irregular hills, that look as if they were strug-
gling to pitch themselves, with their huge pines, into the

TRAITS or AMI:RIC\X Hl.'MOrR.

1J);J

, only n
i3 want 1

mdiT lii t

U I SI" If, l\:\

s on the

[cntiu'kv
t uj) mill
icy luiule
ilkcil tlie
iirrouiul-

llUMH'Stl'd

. ini'^.Ut of
•sluepini;
)uu of thu

id I hoM

go ahead,

loir panic,
J with hi. J

lis.

orouncl of

\llickorjfs

iiid of all

^er four or

there for

me (Unvii

quulitica-

Ir ia a suc-
lly patches
m islet or
laiiks avi3
[-ere stru;;;-
into the

stream ; hut onco in n \vhih» you find ft hn-ol strip of nlhivial
ill cultivalion, or u beautiful and fcrlih- (h-clivity, Hliailcd hy
niai,'uiru'ciit j)ophirs, hccch-trccs, aiul walnut. Now and th'-n
VdU may sii' tlie cahin of a si|ii:ittcr, xtiick to the nidcof a hill,
like a fuuLjus a^j^ainst a wall ; but, i;('uerally, the Tallapoosa n--
tain« the wild, pristine tcatures of the days when the (Veek
hunted on its banks, or disported himself upon its waters. A
little way out from the river, on either wide, among the " lu)l-
lows " formi'd hy little erceki^ and smaller streams, live a |)co-
ple, half-unricultural, lialf-piscalorial — a sinewy, yellow-headed,
whiskey-loving set. 'J'hose south of the river, are the in!ial>it-
ants of "'Possum Trot," while those on tlio north are the
citi/.ena of '• Turpentine." Dick M'Coy ia a 'Possum-Trotter,
a fishing fellow, fishy in his stories, but always aujait in re-
gard to matters of setth-ment i;ossip.

Seated on a clap-board, a little aft of tho centre of the boat,
and facing JDick, I was amused for several hours with hia con-
versation, aa we threadt'd tho intricate passagea of the ahoals,
now whizzing by and barely touching an ugly ro "k, i.ovv sj)in-
ning ro\ind in a little whirlpool, like a tee-totum. The skill of
my Palinurus, however, seemed equal to any emerg(Micy ; and
we alternately twisted and tumbled along, at the rate of two
miles and a half an hour.

Aa we came into a small, deep sheet of water, Dick pointed
with hia paddle to a smoke issuing from among the trees, ou
the " Turpentine " side of the river, and remarked :

''Tliar's whar our huif man lives — Seaborn Brown."

*' Ah ! ia he lazy much ? "

"Powerful."

"Aahow?"

" Onet he went out hvmtin', and he wf«s so lazy he 'eluded
he wouldn't. So he laid down in the sand, close to the aidge
of the water. It come on to rain like the devil, and I, si'i-n
him from t'other side, tho't he was asleej), and hollered to him.

"Sea I, 'it's rainiii' like wrath, Scab, and why don't you
git up ? '

" Ses he, hollerin' back, ' I'm wet anyhow, and thar'a no
use.'

" After a little, the river begun to rise about live foot an
hour, and 1 hollera to him agin.

" Ses I, ' Seaborn, the river's a-risin' on to your gun ; tlie
but'a half way in the w ater now.'

"Ses he, hollerin' back, 'The water ain't gwine to hurt the
wood part.'

" 1 waited a few minutes, and sung out :

194

TRAITS OF A.>IERICAN HUMOUR.

" * Seaborn, you're half under water yourself, and your gun-
lock is in the river ! '

*' Ses he, * I never ketches cold, and thar's no load in the
gun, and besides, she needs a washin' out.'

" And, Squire," continued Dick, " the last I seen of him
that day, he tuck a fl;'.sk out of his pocket, as he lay, drinkt,
ketclit some water in the flask, and drinkt aj^ain, as he lay ; and
then throw' d his face hack, this way, like, to keep the river out nf
his mouth and nose ! "

Amused at Dick's anecdote of his lazy nciglibour, I solicited
some information about tlie occupant of a cabin nearly in tlie
water, on the 'Possum Trot side.

At the very door of the dwelling commenced a fish-trnp
dam ; and on the trap stood a stalwart fellow in a red flannel
shirt, and pantaloons that were merely breeches — the legs be-
ing torn off entirely.

" Who's that ? " I asked.

" Wait till we pass him, and I'll tell you."

We tumbled onward a few yards.

"That's Jim Ed'ards ; he loves cat-fish some! ireU, he
does ! Don't do nothin' but ketch 'em. Some of the boys
says he's got slimy all over, like unto a cat — don't know about
that; all I know is, we ketcht one in the seine, that weighed
over forty pounds. Thar was a mocassin tuk out of it longer
than my arm. And nobody wouldn't have it then, but Jim.
As we was goin' home, Jim a totin' the iisli — ses I, ' Jim, you
ain't a gwine to eat that cat, sure/y .' '

*' Ses he, ' Pshaw ! that mocassin warn't nothin'.'
- " Ses I, ' Jim, enny man that'll eat a cat, would eat a bull-
frog.'

" And with that, he knocked me down and liked to a killed
me: and that was the reason I didn't want to tell you about
bun twell we'd passed him."

As we neared a pretty little island, on which were a house
and two or three acres in cultivation :

"Thar," said Dick, "is Dock JS'orris's settle?;?^?/. I guess
he wont ^ play horse' agin in a hurry. He claims 'Pos.'um
Trot for his beat, but we'd all rather he'd take Turping-
tine."

" What game was that he played ? " I asked.

" Oh ! })layin' horse. See, thar was a crowd of boys come
down aud kamped on Turj)iu£;tine sid(% to seine. They was
but a lit lie ways from the river — leastways thar camp tire Avas
— and between the river and it, is a pretty knoll, whar the
river's left a pretty bed of white sand as big as a garden spot,

al](

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

105

r giyi-

in the

of him
drinkt,
y ; and
r out if

olicited
r in the

sh-trnp

flannel

legs be-

'^ell, he
he boys
w about
Iweighed

ut Jim.
im, you

,t a

biill-

a killed
Du about

a house

I miesa
'Posoum
Turpiug-

iva come
liev was
tire was
vhar the
len spot,

and flight at it the water's ten foot deep, and it's about the
aame from the top of the bluff to the water.

" A big, one-eyed fellow named Ben Baker, was at the head
of the town crowd, and as soon as they'd struck a camp, Ben and
his fellers, except one (a lad like), tuck the seine and went away
down the river, fishin', and was gone a'most all day. Well,
Dock bein' of a sharp, splinter-legged, miuk-face feller, gits
some of his boys, and goes over in the time, and they drinks
all Ben's whiskey and most all his cotfee, and eats up all his
bacon meat — 'sides bein' sassy to the boy. Arter a while here
comes Ben and his kump'ny back, wet and tired, awl hungry.
The boy told 'em Dock Norris and his crowd had eat and
drunk up everything, and Ben's one eye shiued like the- ev'u-
ing star.

" Whar's he ? " axed Ben ; and then he turned round and
seed Dock and his boys, on thar all-fours squealin' and rearin',
plai/in' horse, they called it, in that pretty sandy place. Ben
went right in amongst 'em, and ses he, ' I'll play horse, too,'
and then he came down to his all-fours, and here they had it,
round and round, rearin', pitchin', and cavortin' ! Dock was
might'ly pleased that Bon didn't seem mad; but bime-by, Ben
got him close to the bank, and then, in a minute, gethered him
by the seat of his breeches and the bar of the head and slung
him twenty foot out in the current. About the time Dock ris,
Ben had another of the crowd harnessed, and he throw'd /tim
at Dock! Then he pitched another, and so on, tvvell he'd
thrown 'em all in. You oughter 'a seen 'ein swim to the shoals
and take that bee-line for home ! "

" Why didn't they turn on him and thrash him ? " I asked.

" Oh, you see he was a great big fellow, weighed two hun-
dred, and was as strong as a yoke of oxen ; and you know,
'squire, most of the people is mighty punii-like, in the Trot.
Well; plnj/iii' horse got broke up after that."

AVheu the next clearing came into view, I inquired of
M'Coy, whose it was.

''Don't you know, 'squire? Ain't you never seen him?
Why, it's old Bill Wallis's place, and he's our itcjJjjvuin! The
whole livin' breathin' yeth ain't got the match to his pictcr!
His mouth is split every way, and turned w.-ong-side out, and
when he opens it, it's like spreadin' an otter trap to set it.
The skin's constant a pealing' from his nose, and his eyes looks
like they was just stuck on to his face with ])ins! Jlc's got
hardly any skin to shet his eyes, with, and not a sign of bar to
that little ! His years is like a wolfs, and his tongue's a'most
allers hangin' out of his mouth ! His whole face looks like it

19G

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUxMOUR.

was half-roasted ! "Why, he's oblcP2:ccl to stny 'bont home ;
the nabor women is afraid tlieir babies 'ill be like him ! "

Just ai"ter this last story we reached a fall of two feet,
over which Dick's plan was to descend bow-foremost, witli a
"ca-souse," as he expressed it. J3ut we ran upon a rock, the
current swayed us round, and over we went, broad-side.

" Tliia is an ugly scrape, Dick," said I, as soon as we got
ashore.

"•Yes, 'squire, but not so ugly as old AVallis ; thar's nuthin
but death can eekal him. llowsever, less leave bailin' the boat
twcll mornin', and go and stay with old Billy to-night, and then
you'll see for yourself."

So, instead of sleeping at the Horse-shoe, we spent the
nio-ht with old Jiillv and his folks ; and we had a rare tiu^p
there I assure you.

XL.

KICKING A YANKEE.

A TEiiY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was
pol'cd out of a comfortable oilice up the river, has betaken him-
self to iSangor, for a time, to r(XH)ver from the wound inilicted
upon his feelings by our '• unprincipled and immolating admin-
istration."

Change of air must have had an instantaneous effect upon
his spirits ; for, from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter,
which, among other things, tells us of a desperate quarrel that
took nlace on board of tlie boat between a real live dandv
tourist, and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on the
toes of the former ; whereupon the former threatened to " Kick
out of the cabin" the latter.

"You'll kick me out of this cabing ? "

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin ! "

"You'll kick one. Mr Ilitchcoch, out of this cabing?'*

" Yes, Sir, I'll kick you, Mr Hitchcock ! "

"AVal, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being
]-)erfectly satisfied that it was himself who stood in such immi-
nent peril of assault — " I guess, since you talk of kicking,
you've never heard me tell about old Bradley and my mare, there,
to hum?"

((

Iso, Sir, nor do I wish —

»»

home ',

o feet,
'svith a
ck, ihu

we gfit

nil thin
he bout
.ud then

ent the
lire tiny)

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

197

figo was
ken him-

inilictcd
ig admin-

fect upon
ng letter,
irrel th:it
'c dandy
)d on the
.0 " Kick

»»

rter being
Ich inimi-
\ kicking,
ire, there,

" "Wal, guess it won't set you back mueh, anyliow, a3
kieking's generally best tobeeonsidered on. You see old Bradley
is one of these sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites, who put on
a religious suit every Sabbath morning, and with a good deal of
screwing, manage to keep it on till after sermon in the afternoon ;
and as 1 was a Universiilist, he allers picked me out as a sub-
ject for religious conversation — and the darned hypocrite would
talk about sacred things, without ever winking. Wd], \w had
an old roan mare that would jump over any fourteen-rail fence
in Illinois, and open any door in my barn thut hadn't a padlock
on it. Tu or three times I found her iu my stable, and 1 told
Bradley about it, and he was ' very sorry ' — ' an unruly animal '
— ' would watch her,' and a hull lot of such things, all said in a
vory serious manner, with a iace twice as long as Deacon Far-
rar's on Fast day. I knew all the time he was lying, and so I
watched him and his old roan tu ; and for three niglits regular,
old roan came to my stable about bed time, and just at daylight
Bradley would come, bridle her, and ride oil". 1 then just took
my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop, and had some shoes
made with ' corks ' about four inches long, and had 'em nailed
on to her hind i'eet. Your heels mister, ain't nulhiiig to 'em.
I took her home, give her about ten feet halter, and tied her
right in the centre of tlie stable, fed her well with oats about
nine o'clock, and after taking a good smoke, went to bed, know-
ing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal, and that she'd
give a good report of herself in the morning. I hadn't got
fairly to sleep before the old 'oman hunched me, and wanted
to know what on airth was the matter out at the stable.

" Says I, ' Go tu sleep, Peggy, it is nothing but Kate — she
is kicking olf Hies, I guess ! '

" Purty soon she hunched me again, and says she,

" ' Mr Hitchcock, du git up and see what in the world is the
matter with Kate, for she is kicking most powerfully.'

" ' Lay stdl, Peggy, Kate will take care of* herself, I
guess.'

" Wal, the next morning, about daylight, Bradley, with
bridle in hand, cum to the stable, as true as the book of Gene-
sis ; when he saw the old roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed
and swore worse than you did, mi:>ter, when I came down on
your toes. Arter breakfast that morning Joe Davis cum to my
house, and says he,

" ' ]3radley's old roan is nearly dead — she's cut all to pieces,
and can scarcelv move.'

*' ' I Avant to know,' says I, • how on airth did it happen ? '

"Xow, Joe Davis was a member of the same church with

198

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Bradley, and whilst ^'ie were talking, up cum that everlastin' hy-
pocrite, and says he,

" ' Mr Hitchcock, my old roan is ruined ! '

"'Du tell,' says I.

" ' She is cut all to pieces,' says he ; 'do you know whe-
ther slie was in your stable, Mr Hitchcock, last night ? '

'' Wal, mister, with this I let out ;

" ' Do I knoio it ? ' — (the Yankee here, in illustration, made a
sudden advance upon the dandy, who made wi;y for him uncon-
sciously, as it were) — * Do I know it ? you no-souled, shad-bel-
lied, squash-headed, old night-owl you ! — you hay-hookin', corn-
cribbin', fodder-tudgin', cent-shavin', whilhn'-of-nuthin' you ! —
Kate kicks like a mere dumb beast, but I've reduced the thing
to a science ! ' " The Yankee had not ceased to advance, or tlio
dandy, in his astonishment, to retreat ; and now, the motion of
the latter being accelerated by an apparent demonstration on
the part of the former to "suit the action to the word," he
found himsjlf in the "social hall," tumbling backwards over a
pile of baggage, and tearing the knees of his pants as he scram-
bled up, a perfect scream of laughter stunning him from all
sides.

The defeat w:is total : a few moments afterwards he was
dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr Hitchcock finished
his story on the boiler deck.

XLI.

WHY MK SELLUM DISPOSED OF THE HOESE.

A MATTER Of FACT STOIIY.

INIr Sellum is a horse-jockey ; that is, when he is not more
profitably employed, he is not ashamed, so he says, to " try his
fort'n in that very respectable callin'." He dropped in at Bailey's
bazaar a few weeks since ; and very soon after Solium arrived,
a superb-looking charger, mounted by a graceful rider, pranced
lip the court, and entered the arena, to be sold at public ven-
due.

" There he is, gents," said the auctioneer ; " there he is !
a splendid beast ! Look at him, and judge for yourselves.
There's an ear, a forearm, a nostril, an eye for you! That ani-
mal, gentlemen, was ' knocked down ' to a gentleman under the

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

199

till iiy-

w whe-

, mad..' a
I uncoii-
had-bel-
n', corii-
' you ! —
be thing
3, or the
Lotion of
ation on
ord," he
[3 over a
e scratu-
Irom all

1 he was
finished

not more
" try his
Bailey's
arrived,
pranced
iblic yen-
re he is !
)urselve3.
That ani-
inder the

hnmmer, less than three months ago, for avo hundred and eighty
dollars. But I atu authorized to day to sell that horse — let hiiu
bring more or less, lie's a beauty ; fine figure, splendid saddle-
beasst, natural gait fourteen miles to the hour, trots a mile in 2'
42" ; and altogether he's a great horse," which last remark no
one could doubt, for he weighed eleven hundred pounds. " How
much am I oflered I'or that beautiful beast ? " continued the
auctioneer. " Move him round the ring once, John. That's
it ; elegant motion."

There the horse sto])ped short, and refused to budge an inch,
though John buried the rowels to the shoulder in his ribs.

'■ Give me a bid, gentleman, if you please. The horse must
be sold."

"'J'wenty dollars," was heard from one corner of the room.

" Tivenl)/ dollars ! " screamed the auctioneer, with a seem-
ingly ironical laugh. '• I'm ottered the stupendous sum of
twenty dollars, gentlemen, for that horse. Are there no sausage-
makers in this congregation ? I'm ottered only twenty dollars !
But, as I said before, the horse is here to be sold, so I shall ac-
cept the bid. Twenty dollars. I'm offered twenty dollars —
twenty — twenty — give me thirty ? 'J'wenty dollars — twenty —
did I hear thirty ? Twenty dollars — ^Ixejive / Twenty dollars
— say one. Shall I have tw^enty-one ? If that's the best bid,
down he must go, gentlemen ! Twenty dollars ! going! Twenty,
only. AVho's the fortunate buyer ? "

" Sellum, John Sellum," said our friend.

" John Sellum, twenty dollars," says the auctioneer; " you've
got a horse as is a horse, Mr Sellum."

And the fortunate John bore his magnificent charger away
in triumph. A few days subsequently, an old acquaintauco
met John in the cars, and inquired about his purchase.

" Got that horse yet, John ? "

" No, I sold him."

" So soon— what for ? "

" Wal, nothin' in particular ; but I didn't fancy the critter,
all things considered."

" He was sound ; wasn't he ? "

" Wall, I reckon he wasn't ; that is to say, I calk'late he
wasn't. Show'd very good pluck, till I got him down into
AVashington Street, after I left the baz-a-r, but just opposite
the Old South, he fell slap down on the pavement."

" Pshaw ! you don't say so ! "

"Yaas. Blindstaggers — wu&t kind. But I didn't mind
that, so I took him home, and nussed him up a little. Put him
in the gig next day ; wouldn't start a peg ! Coax'd him, draw'd

200

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

liim, rnn a hot wiro in his enr, wolliip'd him, and bo fortli ;
and finally, 1 built a fire under him. All no use ; cunning
cuss, sot rito down on the pile o' lighted shavina, and put it out."

Here his friend smiled.

" That wasn't notliin' tho'. AVent to git inter the wag'n, and
he started 'fore I gath'red up the ribbins. AVent 'bout three
rods for'ard, and stopped agin quieker'n lightnin'. Brought
him back, put him in the stall — low stable — got out ot his
reach, and then begun to whale him. Then he kicked up agin ;
knocked the floorin' all through over head, stove his shoes olY,
broke his halter, and then run hrxck inter the stable-floor. Trao-
door happened to be open, and down went his hind legs, clear
to the hips. There I had him foul."

" Yes, you did," replied his friend.

" I got a piece o' plank, an' I lam'd 'im for 'bout ten mi-
nutes, w'en, I be hanged, if he didn't (/if mad ! and kick hisself
out o* the hole. Next mornin' found him swelled up as big as four
hogsheads, liub'd sperrets o' turpentine all over 'im, an' the un-
grateful rascal kep tryin' to kick me for't. Give him nothin' to
eat for eight days, and the swellin' went down. Took him out
o' the stable, and found him lame behind.''''

"A^ery likely."

" But on a closer examination, see he was full as lame for'-
ard; one balanced t'other, so's he cotddn't limp. One e3'e had
been knocked out in the fight, but the head-stall kivered that
misfort'n. Brushed 'im up kerefully, and put on tlie shiny har-
ness. Led him down the street, an' met an old gent iu search
of a ' spirited ' beast. Asked me if I wanted to sell ?

" ' No, Sir,' sez I.

*' ' AVot'll you take for'm ? ' sez he.

" * He's high strung,' sez I.

" * He is,' sez he ; ' wot's he wuth ? '

*■ * I never warrants bosses,' sez I. ' If you want'm jest as
he is. A^ou're a good judge o' bosses, no doubt ? ' sez I.

'" AVal, I am,' sez he.

" ' A^ery well, then : you may have'ni for two hundred dol-
lars.'

" The old gent pecked in his mouth, stroked his neck, iook-
ed very knowin', and replied,

" ' I'll give you a hundred and fifty.'

" * Split the ditlerence,' sez I.

" ' Done ! ' sez he.

" ' The boss is yourn,' sez I.

" He give me the money, took the animal, an' that's the last
I've heene o' him or that boss."

TRAITS OF AMi:UICAX IIUMOUU.

201

fortl

it out."

g'n, and
Lit three
Brought
it ot his
\) agin ;
hoes olV,
r. Trao-
g,s, clear

'* Possible ! " exclaimed his friend.

" Yaas, under all the circumstances, I tliort it wan't best to
keep the beast, you see, so I let him go."

" Where are you going now ? " asked his friend.

"To York."

*' AVhen do you return ? "

'' JVoi at i)resenf,'' said Mr Sellimi, slyly; and I reeliou hc3
didu't.

XLII.

ten mi-
•k hisself
ig as four
i' the un-
10 thin' to
: him out

lame for'-
B eye had
?red that
iny har-
lu search

'm jest as
1."

id red dol-

eck, look-

's the last

METAPHYSICS.

IMosT people are of opinion that whatever is, is right ; but,
strange to say, an acquaintance with pen and ink and that sort
of tiling is very apt to reverse this opinion. No sooner do we
begin to study metaphysics, than we find liow egreirioiisly we
have been mistaken, iu supposing that " Master Parsou is really
Master Parson."

I, for my part, have a high opinion of metaphysical studies,
and think the science a very useful one, because it teaches
peo])le what sheer nobodies they are. The only objection is,
they are not disposed to lay this truth suiliciently to heart, but
continue to give themselves uu'S, just as if some folks were
really some folks.

Old Doctor Sobersides, the minister of Pumkinville, where
I lived in my youth, was one of the metaphysical divines of the
old school, and could cavil upon the ninth part of a hair about
entities and quiddities, nominalism and realism, free will and
necessity, with which sort of learning he used to stulf his ser-
in'ons and astound his learned hearers, the bumpkins. They
never doubted that it was all true, but were apt to say with the
old WiOman in Moliere :

" II parlc si bien que jc n'cnteiid goutte."

I remember a conversation that happened at my grand fa-
ther's, in which the Doctor had some diiilculty in making his
metaphysics all " as clear as preaching." There was my giand-
I'ather; Uncle Tim, who was the greatest hand at raising onions
iu our part of the country, but " not knowing metajdiysics, had
no notion of the true reason of his not being sad ; " my Aunt
Judy Xeturah Titterweli, Avho could knit stockings lilie ail

202

TKAITS OF A5IERICAN HUMOUR.

possest, but could not syllogize ; Malachi Miiggs, our h'wvA
lu.'iii, that drove the oxen, and Isaac Thrasher, the distru-t
KclioolniaHter, who had dropped in to warm his fini;era arid <;it
a drink of cider. Something was under discuission, and my
grandfather could make nothing of it ; but the Doctor said it
was " metaphysically true."

" Pray, Doctor," said Uncle Tim, " tell me something about
metaphysics ; I have often heard of that science, but never lur
my life could lind out what it was."

" JNletaphysics," said the Doctor, " is the science of abstrac-
tions."

" I'm no wiser for that explanation," said Uncle Tim.

"lb treats," said the Doctor, "of matters most profound
and sublime, a little dilUcult perhaps for a common intellect or
an unschooled capacity to fathom, but not the less important,
on that account, to all living beings."

" What does it teach ? " asked the schoolmaster.

" it is not applied so much to the operation of teaching,"
answered the Doctor, " as to that of incjuiring ; and the chief
inquiry is, whether things are, or whether they are not."

" 1 don't understand the queslion, ' said Uncle Tim, taking
the pipe out of his mouth.

" i'or example, whether this earth on which we tread," said
the Doctor, giving a heavy stamp on the floor, and setting liis
foot slap on the cat's tail, " whether this earth does really exi^t,
or whether it does not exist."

" That is a point of considerable consequence to settle," said
my grandfather.

" Especially," added the ^schoolmaster, " to the holders ot
real estate."

"Now the earth," continued the Doctor, " may exist — "

" "VVho the dogs ever doubted that ? " asked Uncle Tim.

" A great many men," said the Doctor, " and some very
learned ones."

Uncle Tim stared a moment, and then began to fill up his
pipe, whistling the tune of High Betty Martin, while the Doc-
tor went on :

"The earth, I say, may exist, although Bishop Berkeley has
proved beyond all possible gainsaying or denial, that it does
not exist. The case is clear ; the only difficulty is, to know
whether we shall believe it or not."

" And how," asked Uncle Tim, " is all this to be found
out?"

"By digging down to the first principles," answered the
Doctor.

mr hired
) district
a and <;vt
, and inv
,or said it

ing about
never lur

(t* abstrac-

rnn.

profound
itellec't or
mportant,

teachini];,"
. the chief
ot."
iui, talvini;

read," said
setting liis
eally exit-t,

;tle," said

jolders ot'

xist— "
le Tim.
lOme very

fill up his
the Doc-

rkeley has
at it does
, to know

be found

wered the

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

20;i

*' Ay," intrrnipted Malachi, "there is nothing equal to the
Fpade nud ])ickaxe."

" That is true," said my grandfatlier, coinj^ on in ^ralaelu\s
vnv, " 'tis by diL:;;;ing for the foundation that wc shall tind out
wiicther the world exists or not; for, if we dig to 'he bottom
of the earth and find a foundation — why then wo aro sure of
it. But if we find no foundation, it is clear that the world
stands upon nothing, or, in other word.n, that it does not stand
ut all ; therefore, it stands to reason — "

"I beg your pardon," interrupted the Doctor, "but you
totally mistake me; I used the word (/ir/r/inf/ metaphorically,
meaning the profoundeat cogitation and research into the na-
line of thiiifjs. That is the way in which we may ascertain
whether things aro or whether they are not."

" But if a man can't believe his eyes," said Undo Tim,
" what signifies talking about it ? "

" Our eyes," said the Doctor, "are notliing at all but Iho
inlets of sensation, and when we see a thing, all we are awar;)
of is, that we have a sensation of it ; we are not sure that the?
thing exists. We are sure of nothing that we see with our
eyes."

" Xot without spectacles," said Aunt Judy.

" Plato, for instance, maintains that the sensation of any
object is produced by a perpetual succession of copies, images,
or counterfeits streaming off from the object to the organs of
sensation. Descartes, too, has explained the matter upon the
principle of whirligigs."

" But does the world exist ?" asked the schoolmaster.

" A good deal may be said on both sides," replied the Doctor,
" though the ablest heads are for non-existence."

" In common cases," said Uncle Tim, " those who utter non-
sense are considered blockheads."

" But in metaphysics," said the Doctor, " the case ia
different."

" Now all this is hocus pocns to me," said Aunt Judy, sus-
pending her knitting work, and scratching her forehead with
one of the needles. " I don't understand a bit more of the
business than I did at first."

" I'll be bound there is many a learned professor," said
Uncle Tim, " could say the same after spinning a long yarn of
metaphysics."

The Doctor did iiot admire this gibe at his favourite science.

" That is as the ca^e may be," said he ; "this tiling or that
thing may be dubious, but what then ? Doubt is the beginning
of wisdom."

20 i

TRAITS OF AMKUICAN lirMOCR.

" No (louht of llmt," paid my ppaiidratlior, Ix'L^inniii:]^ to
poko ilie lire, "but wlidi n man haa ;;()t tliroii:;!! liis (l()u!)iin:^'
wluit does ho boiijin to build iijjon in the mrlaphysieal way ? "

'' Wliy, bo bc-yiny by takiiiL,' something I'ur granted," huid the
Doctor.

" Rut la t1iat a suro way of pjoinc; to work ? "

" 'Tis tlio ouly thing lie can do," replied the Doctor, after a
piuso, and ru!)bing liis foreliead as if lie was not altogether
t<;'.LiHlied that his foundation was a solid one, jMy grandfather
might have posed iiiin with another question, but he poked the
lire and let him go on.

" jMetnphysies, to speak exactly — "

"Ah," interrupted the sehcxdmastcr, "bring it down to
vulgar fractions, and then we shall nnth'rstand it."

" 'Tis the consideration of immateriality, or the mere spirit
end essence of things."

*' Come, come," said Aunt Judy, taking a pinch of suUiV
" now I see into it."

"Thus, man is considered, not in bis corporeality, but in his
essence or capability of being ; for a n'lan metaphysically, or to
metaphysical purposes, hath two natures, that of spirituality
imd that of eorporeitv, which mav be considered separate."

" What man ? " asked Uncle"Tim.

" AVhy any man ; ]Malaehi there, for example, I may consider
liim as ]\lalachi spiritual or Malachi corpi)ral."

" That is true," said IMalachi, "for when I was in the mili-
tia, they made me a sixLeentli corporal, and I carried grog to
1 iie drummer."

"That is another affair," said the Doctor, in cmitinuation,
" we speak of man in his essence ; we speak also of the esseiice
of locality, the essence of duration — "

" And essence of peppermint," said Aunt Judy.

" Pooh ! " said the Doctor, " the essence I mean is quite ci
(lifTerent concern."

" yomethiuLj too fine to be dribbled throuirh the W'orin of a
still," said my grandfather.

" Then 1 atn all in the dark again," rejoined Aunt Judy.

"Bv the siiirit and essence of things 1 mean things in tlio
abstract."

" And what becomes of a thing when it gets into the ab-
t^tract ? " asked Uncle Tim.

" AVhy, it becomes an abstraction."

" There we are again," said Uncle Tim ; " but what the deuce
is an abstraction r "

"It's a thing that has no matter ; that is, it cannot be felt,

i:;inniii:^ to
s (l()u!)iinL,'

way r
d," hulil tho

tor, after a

allo!;(,'tlu'i'

;nm(liathor

: poked the

it down to

mere spirit

.'h oT »nu[\'.

% but in liis
iically, or lo
spirituality
parate."

lav consider

n tho mili-
icd grog t(j

■>iitinu:itioii,
he essence

a is quite a

TIIAITS OF AMKlilCAX HUMOUR.

120.J

I W'orin 01 fi

nt Judy,
ings in tho

iito the ab-

it the deuce
not be felt,

peon, hoard, smelt, or tasted ; it has no stihstanee or solidity ; it
is neillu'r large nor sinal!, hot nor eold, long nor short."

" Then what ia the long and short of it r " asked the schoid-
inaster.

" Abstraetion," replied tho Poetor.

" Suppose, for instance," said JMalaclu, " that I had a })iteh-
fork— "

"Ay," said tho Doctor, "consider a pitchfork in general ;
that is, neither this one nor the.t one, nor any partieulahir one,
but a pitchfork or pitehfoi-ks divested of tiieir materiality —
these are things in the abstract."

"They are things in the hay-mow," f?aid INlalachi.

" Pi'ay," said Uncle Tim, " have there been many sui-h things
discovered ? "

" Discovered! " returned the Doctor, " why all thintrs, whe-
ther in heaven or npon the earth, or in the waters under the
earth, whether small or great, visible or invisible, aiiiinati'or in-
anitnate ; whatever the eye can see, or the ear can hear, or tho
nose can smell, or the fingers touch ; linally, whati'Ver exists (U*
is imaginable in rcrum ludura, past, present, or to come, all may
be abstractions."

" Indeed ! " said Uncle Tim, " pray what do you make of t lie
absti'aetion of a red cow ? "

" A red cow," said the Doctor, " considered metnphysieaily,
or as an abstraction, is an animal possessing neitlu-r hitle noi*
horns, bones nor flosh, but is the mere type, eidolDU, and fan-
tastical semblance of these parts of a (]uadru[)ed. It has a shaptj
without any substance, and no c(dour at all, for its redness is
the mere counterfeit or imagination of such. As it lacks tho
positive, so is it also delicient in the accidental properties of all
the animals of its tribe, for it has no locomotion, stability, or
endurance, neither goes to pasture, gives milk, chews the end,
nor performs any other function of a horned beast, but is a inen>
creature of the brain, begotten by a freak of tho fancy, and
nourished by a conceit of the imagination."

"A dog's foot! " exclaimed Aunt Judy. "All the meta-
physics nnder the sun wouhhi't make a pound of butter."

" That's a fact ! " said Uncle Tim.

200

TKATTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

A TIOTIT Tl.VCK CONSTDnilN'.

Drinxo my uuMliciil Ktudics, piissiul in a smnll viUmi^c in
^Mississippi, 1 bccamo ac(|iiaiiil(.'cl vvitli a family named llihlis,
rcsidinu; a lew milos in the country. The fainily consisted of
IMr and INlrs ilibbs and son. Thoy were phiin, nnlettercd
]K»ople, lioncst in inti'iit and dvt'd, but overllowin;^ with tliat
>viiich ami)ly made np I'or all their deliciencea of eduealii)ii,
namely, warm-hearted liospilality, llu^ distinf^nnsliinpj trait of
Houthern cliaracter. They were originally from Vir<j;inia, from
whence tliey had emigrated in quest of a clime more genial,
jjnd a soil more productive than that iu which their fath<Ta
toiled.

Their sonrch had been rewarded, their exjiectntions realized,
and now, in 1 lieir old aue, thon<^h not wealthy in the *' Astoriaii "
Hcnse, still ti>ey had sulllcient to keep the '' wolf from the door,"
and drop aomethin<j; more substantial than condolence and tears,
in the hat that poverty handd round for the kind oii'erings of
humnnity.

The old mim was like the f^enerality of old planters, men
whose ambition is embraced by the family or social circle, and
whose thou<;hts turn mon; on the relative value of " ISi'a Island"
and " jMastodon," and the improvement of their plantations,
than Ihe "glorious victories of Whiggery in Kentucky," or the
"triumphs of democracy in Arkansas."

The old lady was a shrewd, active dame, kind-hearted and
long-toui^ued, benevolent and impartial, making her colfee as
Ktrong ibr the poo'/ pedestrian, with his all npou his back, as
the broadcloth sojourner, with his "up-country pacer."

She was a member of the church, as well as the daughter
of a man who had once owned a race-horse : and these circum-
f^iances gave her an indisputable right, she thought, to "let on
all she knew," when religion or horse-fiesh was the theme.

At one moment, she would be heard discussing whether the
now " circus rider," (as she always called the preacher,) was as
atlecting in Timothy as the old one was pathetic in Paul, and
anon, protecting dad's horse from the invidious comparisons of
some visitor, who, having heard, perhaps, that such horses as
Pashiou and Boston existed, thought himself q^ualiiied to doubt

TUAITS OF AMEKICAN IIUMOUK.

207

vin.-iiic ill
uhI llihhs,
insisted (if
iinli'ttcrcil

with tiiat
education,
^^ trait of
ii;iiiia, tVoin
oro ^>;('ni;il,
L'ir luth'Td

na realized,

Astoriau"

ilio door,"

^ and tears,

jtrL'ring.s uf

ntera, men
circle, and
'a Jsland"
antations,
;y," or the

parted and

T coiVee as

IS back, as

daiipjlitcr
se circuiii-
to " let on
lenie.
hether the
er,) was as

Paul, and
:)arison3 of

horses as
d to doubt

tlie old Indy^' assertion that luT father's liorsc '' Shumach " had
run ii mile on one particular occasion.

*' Don't tell ;;<<'," was her never-tailing; reply to their doubts,
•'don't tell mr 'bout Fashun or iJostin;^, or any othi>r beatin^'
' !Sliuinach' a fair race, for the thiuj; was unfesil)i(«: didn't he run
a mile a minute by Scpiire Dim's wnudi, which always stopt
'zactly at twcdve, ami didn't In; start a minute afore, and «,Mt
out, jes as the lonu; hand war j;ivin' its last ipiiver on hctchin'
the short lee; of the watch? And didn't he heat everthinti; in
Vir<,Mnny 'cept once? D.ul and the folks said hu'd beat then,
if younj^ Mr Spotswood hadii't p;ivo 'old Swaijja,' Shutnach's
rider, some of that ' Croton water,* and J is 'for(; the race Hwai^o
or Shumach, I don't 'stinctly 'member which, but one of them
had to ' let down* and so dad's boss y:ot beat."

The son I will describe in a few words. Tinbibini]; his
parents' contempt for letters, he was V(>ry illlt(>rate, and as he
liad not enjoyed the equivalent of travel, was extrenudy ignor-
ant on all matters not rcdatinL? to huntiii;^ or plantatiiju duties.
Jle was a stout, active fellow, with a merry twinklinLj of the
eye, indicative of humour, and partiality for practical jokinLj.
AVe had become very intimate, he instructini; me in "forest
lore," and 1, in return, ;j[iving amusinn; stories, or, what was as
much to bis liking, occasional introductions to my hunting-
ilask.

Now that I bave introduced tbo " Dramatis Persons," I
will proceed with my story. By way of relaxation, and to re-
lieve the tedium incident more or less to a student's life, T
would take my gun, walk out to old liibbs's, spend a day or
two, and return refreshed to my books.

One fine afternoon 1 started upon such an excursion, and
as 1 had, upon a previous occasion, missed killing a line buck,
owing to my having nothing but squirrel shot, 1 determined to
go this time for the "antlered monarch," by loading one barnd
with tifteen " blue wbistiurs," reserving the other for suudl
game.

At tbe near end of the plantation was a fine spring, and
adjacent, a small cave, tbe entrance artfully or naturally con-
cealed, save to one acquainted witii its locality. The cave v.as
nothing but one of those subterranean washes so common in
the west and south, and called "sink-holes."

It was known only to young 11. and myself, and we, for
l)eculiar reasons, kept secret, having j)ut it in requisition as the
• iepository of a jug of "old Bourbon," -which wc fav()iired, and
as the old folks abominated drinking, we had found convenienc

20S

TRAITS OF AMKIIICAN HUMOUR.

to Loop thorc, ^v]litho^ we would rojiair to got our drinks, and
rotiini to the house to lioar I'lioui doso;int on Iho evils of drink-
ing, and " vow no ' drap,' 'cept in doctor's truck, should ever
come on their plantation."

I'Veliug very thirsty, I took my way by the sjnMiin- thut
evenin;^. As 1 descended tlie hill o'er-top])in2; it, 1 beheld tlic
hind ])arts of a bear slowly being drawn inio the cave.

Tdy lieart boinided at the idea of killing a boar, and inv
jilans v.ere formed in a second. 1 had no dogs — the house was
distant — and the bear becoming "small by degrees, and beau-
tifully less." Every hunter knows, if you shoot a squirrel iu
the head when it's s;^ticking out of a hole, ten to one he'il jump
out; and I reasoned that if this were true regarding squirn-ls,
i'.iight not the operation of the same principle extract a bear,
applying it low down in the back.

Quick as thought I levelled my gun and fired, intending to
give him tlie buckshot when his body appeared; but wliat was
my surprise and horror, when, instead of a boar rolling out, tl.o
parts were jerked nervously in, and the well-known voice ol"
young H. reached my ears.

" Murder ! Ingins ! snakes and knuckle-burs ! Oh ! Lordy !
'nuff ! — 'nuff ! — take him off! Jis let me olf this wunst, dad,
and I'll never run mam's colt again ! Oh, Lordy ! Lordy !
all mij brains ^l?u'('d chdii out ! Snakes! snakes!" yelled he,
jn a shriller tone, ^f possible, " Old Scratch on the outside :iud
Miakes in the sink-hole! I'll die a Christian, anyhow, and it'
I die before I wake," and out scrambled poor II., pursued by
a large black-snake.

If my life had depended on it, I could not havv" restrained
iny laughter. Down foil the gun, and down dropped I shriek-
ing convulsively. The hill was steep, and over and over 1 went,
until iuy head sinking agai.nst a stump at tlie bottom, stopped
me, half senseless. On recovering somewhat from the stunnin;^
blow, I foinid Hibbs upon me, taking satisfaction from me lor
having blowed out his brains. A contest ensued, and H. iinally
relinquished his hold, but I saw from the knitting of his brows,
that the bear-storm, instead of being over, was just brewing.

"JMr Tensas," he said with awful dignity, " I'm sorry I put
into you 'fore you cum to, but you're at yourself now, and a.s
you've tuck a shot at me, it's no more th':;ji far I should have a
jhadce 'fore the hunt's up."

It was with the greatest difficulty I could get II. to bcnr
Tv'ith me until I explained the mistake; but as soon .is he
learned it, he broke out in a huge laugh :

"Oh, Dod busted! that's 'nulf; you has my pardon. I

THAiTS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

20D

[Iriiilcs, and
Is of driiik-
iliould ever

^priiic; Unit
beheld the
vc.

•ar, and my
3 house ^vas
», and boau-
squinvl in
3 he'll juHij)
\>y Hquirrt'ls,
ract a hear,

iiteiidlnfT to
Lit what was
ling out, tl;e
wn voice of

Oh! Lordy!
wunst, dad,

^ly ! Lordy !
' yelled he,
outside una
how, and it'
pursued by

restrained
ed I slirick-
over 1 went,
om, stoppt'd
he stunnino;
from me loi'
id H. iinally
A his brows,
. brewdng.

sorry 1 put
now, and as
iould have a

b H. to bear
soon as he

oucjht to know'd you didn't 'tend it ; 'sides, you ']\s scraped tlie
.^kin. I war wus slverred than hurt, and if you'll go to the
house and beg me oH' from the old folks, I'll never let on you
cuddent tell copperas breeches from bar-skin."

Promising that I would use my inlluence, I proposed talking
a drink, and that he siiould tell me how ho had incurred his
parents' anger. He ai^sentcd, and after we had inspected the
cave, and seen that it held no other serpent than the one we
craved, we entered its cool recess, and 11. commenced :

"You see. Doc, I'd heered so much from mam 'bout her
dad's Shnmach and his nigger Swage, and the mile a minute,
r.m\ the Croton water what was gin him, and how slu; bleved
that if it warn't for beltin', and the ciissin' and fightiu', runuin'
race-hossea warn't the sin folks said it war: and if they war
anything to make her 'gret gettin' religion and jinin' the
church, it war cos she couldn't 'tend races, and have a race-colt
of her own to comfort her 'clinin' years, sich as her daddy had
afore her ; so I couldn't rest for wantin' to see a hoss-race, and
go shares, p'raps, in the colt she war wishin' for,

"And then I'd think what sort of a boss I'd want hir."'- to
be — a quarter nag, a mile critter, or a boss what could run (fur
all mam says it can't be did) a whole four mile at a stretch.
Sometimes I think I'd rather own a quarter nag, for the sus-
p^-nse wouldn't long be hurg, and then we could run up tho
mad to old Nick liamer's cow-pen, and Sally is almost allers
out thar in the cool of the evenin' ; and in course we wouldn't
be so cruel as to run the poor critter in tlie heat of the day.
But then agin, I'd think I'd rath c have a miler ; for the 'cite-
ment would be greater, and we could run down the road to old
Wither's orchard, an his gal INIiry is frightfully fond of sunnin'
herself thar, when she 'spects me 'long, and she'd liear of tho
race, certain ; but then thar war the four miler for my thinkin',
and I'd knew'd in such case the 'citement would be greatest of
all, and you know, too, from dad's stable to the grocery is jist
four miles, an' in case of any 's]}ute, all hands would be willin'
to run over, even if it had to be tried a dozen times.

" So I never could 'cide on which sort of a colt to wish for.
It wr.> fust one, then t'others, till I was nearly 'stracted. So
1 found the best way was to get the boss fust, and then 'tcr-
luiue whether it should be Sally Earners, and the cow-peti ;
Miry Withers, and tho peach orchard} or Spillman's grocery,
with the bald face.

You've seed my black colt, that one that dad's fath

-lardon.

me in his will when he died, and I 'spect tlie re
that wdll war, that he might have wuu then, for

ason
it's more

wrote

leu

210

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

he Imtl when ho ^va3 ahve, for j:;ranma war a monstriis over-
boarin' woman. The colt would cuni up in my mind, every

d I

think

at fust — lie never could run, and 'sides if he could, mam rides
him now, an he's too old for anything, 'cept toLin her and bein'
called mine ; for you see, though he war named Colt, yet for
the old lady to call him old, would bin like the bar 'feeling
contempt for the rabbit, on account of the ishortuess of his
taih

" AVell, thought I,it does look sorter unpromii in',but it's Colt
or none ; so I 'termined to put him in trainin' the fust chance.
Last Saturday, who should cum ridin' up but the new circut
preacher, a long-legged, weakly, sickly, never-contented-onless-
the-best-on-the-plantation-war-cooked-fur-him sort of a man ;
but I didn't look at him twice, his boss was the critter that
took my eye ; for the minute I looked at him, I knew him to
be the same boss as Sam Spooner used to win all his spiurgin'
dimes with, the folks said, and wot he used to ride past our
house so line on. The boss war a heap the wuss for age and
change of masters ; for preachers, though they're mity 'ticular
■'bout thar own conifort, seldom tends to thar bosses ; for one
is privit property and 'tother generally borried.

" I seed from the way the preacher rid that he didn't know
the animal he war straddlin' ; but I did, and I 'termined I
wouldn't lose sich a chance of trainin' Colt by the side of a
boss wot had run real races. So that night, arter prayers and
the folks was abed, I and jNTigger Bill tuck tlie bosses and car-
ried them down to the pastur'. It war a forty-aker lot, and
consequently jist a quarter across — for I thought it best to pro-
mote Colt, b}^ degrees, to a four-miler. When we got thar, t]i;>
preacher's boss showed he war willin' ; but Colt, dang him !
commenced nibblin' a fodder-stack over the fence. 1 nearly
cried for vexment, but an idea struck me ; I hitclied the crit-
ter, and told Bill to get on Colt and sti^'k tight wen I giv' the
word. Bill got reddy, and unbeknownst to him I pulled up a
bunch of nettles, and, as I clapped them imder Colt's tail,
yelled, ' Go ! ' Down shut his graceful like a steel-trap, and
away he shot so quick an' fast thio he jumpt clean out from
under Bill, and got nearly to the end of the quarter 'fore the
nigger toch the ground : he lit on his head, and in course warn'fe
hurt — so we cotched Colt, an' I mounted him.

"The next timo I said 'go' he showed that age hadn't
spiled his legs or memory. Bill 'an me 'greed we could run
him now, so Bill mounted Preacher and we got ready. Thrr
war a narrer part of the track 'tween two oaks, but as it war

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

211

'US over-
ul, evcrv
! ' sjiid I
lam rides
and Leiii'
t, yet for
r 'feet ills'
;ss of kid

.t it's Colt
?t chance,
ew circut
ed-onless-
f a man;
•ittei' that
ew him to
1 spluvgin'
e past or.r
ir ai^e and
ty 'ticular
3 ; for one

dn't know
ermined I
side of a
rayers and
and car-
r lot, and
est to pro-
)t thar, th;'
liini !
1 nearly
. the evil-
I giv' the
)nlled np a
Colt's tail,
trap, and
11 onC from
r 'fore the
irse warn't

ag'C hadn't
could run
Kly. Tiirr
it as it war

Liang

ripnr the end of the quarter, I 'spectcd to pa?s Preacher 'fore
Wii got tliar, so I warn't afraid of barkin' my shins.

"We tncka fair start, and olf we went like a peeled ingiiii,
an' I soon 'seovered that it warn't such an easy matter to pass
Preacher, though Colt dun delightful ; we got nigh the trees,
and Preacher warn't past yet, an' 1 'gan to get skeered, fur it
warn't more than wide enuf for a horse and a half; so I hol-
lered to Bill to hold up, but tbo imperckMit nigger turned his
ugly pictur, and said, ' he'd be cussed if he warn't goin' to play
his han' out.' I gin him to understand he'd better fix for a
foot-race when we stopt, and tried to hold up Colt, but ho
wouldn't stop. We reached the oaks, Colt tried to pass
Preacher, Preacher tried to pass Colt, nnd cowollop, crosb,
cochunk ! we all cum down like 'siinmons arlcr frost. Colt
got up and \von the race ; Preacher tried hard to rise, but one
hind leg liad got tlirew the stirrup, an' tother in the head stall,
an' he had to hy still, doubled up like a long nigger in a short
bed. I lit on my feet, but Nigger Bill war gone entire. I
looked up in the fork of one of the oaks, and thar he war sittin',
Icokin' very composed on surroundin' nature. I couldn't git
him down till I ])romised not to hurt him for disobeyin' orders,
when he slid down. AVe'd 'nulf racin' for that ujglit, so we
put up the bosses and went to bed.

" Next morning the folks got ready for church, when it was
diskivered that the ho;sses had iiot out. I an' Bill started oti*
to look for them ; we found them clecr off in the field, tryin'
to git in the pastur' to run the last night's race over, old Blaze,
the reverlushunary mule, bein' along to act as judge.

" By the time we got to the house it war nigh on to mcct-
in' hour; and dad had started to the preachiu',to tell the folks
to sing on, as preacher and mam would be 'long bimeby. As
the passuLi Vvar in a hurry, and luad been complainin' that his
ci'cetur war dull, I 'suaded him to put on uncle Jim's spurs
what he fetch from Mexico. 1 saJdJed the passun's boss,
takin' 'ticular pains to let the saddle-blanket come down low
in the Hank. By the time tliese fixins war threw, mam war
'head nigh on to a quarter. ' We must ride on, passun,' I said,
*or the folks'll think we is lost.' tSo I whipt up the mule I
rid, the passun chirrupt and cliuct to make bis criLtur gallop,
hut the animal didn't mind him a pic. I 'gan to snicker, an'
the passun 'gan to git vext ; sudden he thought of his spurs,
so he ris up, an' drove them vim in his boss's flanx, till they
went through his saddle-blanket, and like to bored his nag to
the holler. By gosh ! but it war a quickencr — the boss t-jckt
till the passLui bud to hug him round the neck to keep from

212

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

pitc'liiii' him over liis lipa'l. lie next junipt up 'limit n?? hic^^i
as a rail fence, passiin holdiii' on and tryin' to git his spurs —
I'lit llicy Avcrc lockt — liis breedu'S split plmii across with the
frtraiii, and tlio piece of wcarin' truck wot's next the slcin made
a monstrous i)utty flag as tiie old lioss, like drunkards to a bar-
bacue, streakt it up the road.

" jMani war ridin' slowly along, think In' how i^orry slic was,
coa Chary Dolin, who always led her oil", had sich a bad cold,
an' Avouldn't be able to 'sist her singin' to-day. Hiie war prac-
tisin' the hymns, and had got as far whar it says, * I liave a
race to run,' whcsn the passun hnv in sight, an' in 'bout the
dodgin' of a dieda[)por. she found thar war trutli in the words,
for the colt, hearin' the boss cumin' up behind, began to show
symptoms of runnin' ; but when he heard the pifssun holler,
'wo wo!' to his horse, he thought it war me shoutin' 'go!'
and sure 'nuff off they started jis as the passun got up even ;
so it war a lair race. Wlioop ! git out, but it war egsitin' — the
dusc flew, and the rail-fence appi ered strate as a rifle. Thar
war the passun, his legs fast to the critter's flanx, arms lockt
round his neck, face as pale as a rabbit's belly, and the white
flag streennn' far behind — and thar war Mam, fust on one side,
then on t'other, her new caliker swelled up round her like a
bear with the dropsy, the old lady so much surprized she cud-
dent ride steddy,.an' tryin' to stop her colt, but he war too
well trained to stop while he heard 'go ! '

" jMam got 'sited at last, and her eyes 'gan to glimmer like
she seen her daddy's ghost axin' ' if he ever trained up a child
or a race-boss to be 'fraid of a small brush on a Sunday,' she
commenced ridin' beautiful ; she braced herself up in the sad-
dle, and began to make calkerlations how she M'ar to win the
race, for it war nose and nose, and she saw the passun spurrin'
his critter every jump. She tuk off her shoe, and the way a
number ten go-to-meetin' brogan commenced givin' a boss par-
ticular Moses, were a caution to hoss-flesh — but still it kept
nose and nose. She found she war carryiii' too much weight
for Colt, so she 'gan to throw off plunder, iill nnthin' was left
but her saddle and close, and the spurs kept tellin' still. The
old woman commenced strippin' to lighten till it wouldn't bin
the clean thing for her to have taken oft' one dud more ; an'
then when she found it war no use while the spurs lasted, she
got cantankerous.

" ' Passun,' said she, ' I'll be cust if it's fair or gentlemanly
for you, a preacher of the gospel, to take advantage of an old
woman this way, usin' spurs when you know sJie can't wear
'era — 'taint Christian-like nuther,' and she bust into cryin'.

lit n?? liig^i
is spurs —
A with the
sicin made
s to a bar-

j she was,
I bad cold,
) war prac-
' I liavc a
'bout the
the word^
an to show
:sun h()lk>r,
itiu' 'go!'
)t up even ;
sitiu' — tlio
■ille. Thar
arms lockt
d the white
^n one side,
I her like a
ed she cud-
he war too

immcr like

up a child
lunday,' she

in the sad-
|to win the

LUi spurrin'
the way a

|a boss par-
ill it kept

Lich weight
n' was left

Istill. The
luldn't bin
more ; an'
lasted, she

Mitlemanly
1(3 of an old
1 can't wear
cry in'.

TliAlTS OF AMI-naCAN HUMOUR.

21;j

''AVo! ]\Iiss llibbs! AVo ! Stop! iMadam ! AVo! Your
son! ' he atteni])ted to say, when the old woman tuck him ou
the back of the head, and lillin' his moutli with right smart of
a saddlo-hoiM, and stoppin' the talk, as far as his share went/
for tilt! present.

" Jjy this time they'd got nigh on to the meetin'-honso,
and the folks were harkin' away on ' Old Hundred,' and wou-
derin' what could have become of the passun and jNlam llibbs.
One sister in a long bi'ard axt another brethren in church, if
she'd lieerd anythiug 'bout that \Xew York preeeher runnin'
way with a woman old enough to be his jnuther. The brethrens
gin a long sigh an' groaned :

" ' It ain't possible ! niarciful heavens ! you don't 'spicion ? '
wen the sound of the liosses comin', roused them up like a
touch of the agur, an' broke olf their sarpent-talk.

" Dad run out to see what was to i)ay, but when he pood
the bosses so close together, the passun spurrin', and mam vu\-
in' close war skase! whar she cum, he knew her fix in a second,
and 'tarmiiied to help her; so clinchin' a saplin', he hid 'hind
a stump 'bout ten stej)s off, and held on for the bosses. On
they went in beautiful style, the passun's spurs tellin' terrible,
and mam's siioe operatin' 'no small pile of punkins,' — pa:^si^n
stretched out the length of two bosses, while mam sot as stilV
aiid strate as a bull yearling in his fust fight, hittin' her nag
fust on one side, next on t'other, and the third for the passun,
who liad chawed the horn till little of the saddle, and less of
his teeth war left, and his voice sounded as holler as a jackass-
nickei* in an old saw-mill.

" The bosses war nose and nose, jam up together so close
that mam's last kiverin' and passun's fiag had got lockt, an'
'tween bleached domestic and striped lindsey made a beautiful
banner for the pi 'jus racers.

" On they went like a small artbquake, an' it seemed like it
war goin' to be a draun race; but dad, when they got to him,
let down v. ith all bis nn'ght on Colt, scarin' him so bad that ho
jumpt clean ahead of passun, beatin' him by a neck, buttin' his
own head agin the meetin'-house, an' pitcliin' mam, like a lam

for the sacryfise, ])lum through the winder 'mongst t
mourners, leavin' her only garment flutterin' on a nail in the sasli.
The men shot their eyes and scrambled outeii the house, an' tiio
woman gin mam so much of their close that tliey like to put
themselves iv the same fix.

" The passun quit the circut, and I haven't been home yet.''

21-1

Tli.UTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

XLIV.

A SHARK STORY.

" Well, gentlemen, I'll p;o aliead, if yoii say so. Here's the
stoiy. It is true, upon luy honour, from beginning to end —
every word of it. 1 once crossed over to Faulkner's iahind to
lisli for tau(((ur/ii, us the north-side people call black fish, on the
reefs hard by, in the Long Island Sound. Tim Titus (wlio died
of the dropsy down at Shinnecock point, last spring) lived
there then. Tim was a right good fellow, only he drank rather
too much.

" It was during the latter part of July ; the sharks and the
dog-fish had just began to spoil sport. AVhen Tim told me
about the sharks, I resolved to go prepared to entertain these
aquatic savages v/itli all becoming attention and regard, if there
should chance to be any intei-loping about our fishing-ground.
So we rigged out a set of extra large hooks, and shipped
soane rope-yarn and steel chain, an axe, a couple of clubs, and
an old harpoon, in addition to our ordinary equipments, and oif
we started. We threw out our anchor at half ebb-tide, and
took soiue thumping large fish; two of them weighed thirteen
pounds — so you may judge. The reef where wo lay was about
half a mile from the island, and, perhaps, a mile from the Con-
necticut shore. AVe floated there, very quietly, throwing out
and hauling in, until the breaking of my line, with a sudden and
severe jerk, informed me that the sea attorneys Avere in waiting
down-stairs ; i:nd we accordingly prepared to give them a re-
tainer. A salt pork cloak upon one of our magnum hooks
forthwith engaged one of the gentlemen in our service. We
got him alongside, and by dint of piercing, and thrusting, and
banging, we accomplished a most exciting and merry murder.
We had business enough of the kind to keep us employed until
near low water. By this time the sharks had all cleared out,
and the black fish were biting again ; the rock began to make
its appearance above the water, and in a little while its hard
bald head was entirely dry. Tim now proposed to set me out
upon the r:^ck, while he rowed ashore to get the jug, which,
strange to say, we had left at the house. I assented to this pro-
position; first, because I began to feel the effects of t'.ie sun
upon my tongue, and needed something to take, by the way of

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

215

ire's the
3 end —
^land to
1, on tlio
,'ho died
<^) lived
k rather

and tlie
told me
.in these
, if there
-jironnd.
shipped
Libs, and
and oil'
ide, and
thirteen
[IS about
le Con-
ing out
len and
\vaiting
m a re-
n hooks
e. We
ing, and
mnrder.
ed until
red out,
;o make
its hard
me out
, which,
:his pro-
the sun
' way of

medicine ; and secondly, because the rock was a ftivonrite spot
lor rod and reel, and famous for luck : so I took my trnpi^, and
a box of bait, and jumped upon my new station. Tim made for
the island.

" JS'ot many men would willingly have been left upon a littlo
barren reef that was covered by every flow of the tide, in the
midst of a waste of waters, at such a distance from the shore,
even with an assurance from a com])anion more to be depended
upon than mine, that he would return immediately and take
him oil". But somehow or other, the excitement of tlie sport
was so high, ;ind tlie romance of the situation was so dtilightful,
that 1 thought uf nothing else but the prospect of my fun, and
the contemplation of the novelty and beauty of the scene. It
was a mild, pleasant afternoon, in harvest time. Tiie sky Vv'as
clear and pure. The deep blue sound, heaving all around me,
was studded with craft of all descriptions and dimensions, from
tlie dij)ping sail-boat to the rolling merchantman, sinking and
rising like sea-birds sporting with their white wings in the surge.
The grain and grass on the iieiglibouring larms were gold and
green, and gracefully they bent obeisance to a gently breathing
south-wester. farther oft", the high upland, and the distant
coast, gave a dim relief to the prominent features of the land-
scape, and seemed the rich but dusky frame of a brilliant fairy
picture. Then, how still it was ! not a sound could be heard,
except the occasional rustling of my own motion, and the water
beating against the sides, or gurgling in the fissures of the rock,
or exce})t now and then the cry of a solitary saucy gull, who
would come out of his way in the firmament, to see what I was
doing without a boat, all alone, in the middle of the sound ; and
who would hover, and cry, and chatter, and make two or three
circling swoops and dashes at me, and then, after having satisfied
bis curiosity, glide awav in search of some other food to scream
at.

" I soon became half indolent, and quite indififerent about
fishing; so I stretched myself out at full length upon the rock
and gave myself up to the luxury of looking and thinking. The
divine exercise soon put me fast asleep. I dreamed away a
couple of hours, and longer might have dreamed, but for a tired
fish-hawk who chose to make my head his resting-place, and
who waked and started me to my feet.

" ' AVhere is Tim Titns ? ' I muttered to myself, as I strained
my eyes over the now darkened water. But none was near mo
tw answer that interesting question, and n<)thing was to be seen
of either Tim or his boat, 'lie should have been here loui:

210

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIL\MOL'K.

ero this,' tlioiin;lit T, 'uud lio promised faitlit'ully not to stay
lo)i<^ — L'OLild 1k! have i'ur'^oiivii? or lias ho paid too much dj-

VOtioll to tllO jllLT ? '

"I bogaii to fool unoatiy, for tlio tide was rising fast, and
soon would eovcT the top of the rock, and iiigh water-mark
was at least a foot above my head. I buttoned up my coat,
for either the coming coolness of the evening, or else my grow-
ing aj)prehensions, iiad set me trembling and chattering most
painfully. I braced my nerves, and set my teeth, and tried to
hum ' Jiegone, dull care,' keeping time with my lists I'pou my
thighs. J?ut what music! what melancholy merriment! 1
started and shuddered at the doleful sound of my own voice.
I am not naturally a coward ; but I should like to know the
man who would not, in such a situation, be alarmed. It is a
cru(d death to die to be merely drowned, and to go through tlio
ordinary common-places of suffocation ; but to see your death
gradually rising to your eyes, to feel the water rising, inch by
inch, upon your shivering sides, and to anticipate the certainly
comin<i;, choki!l^• strurr<dc for vour last breath, when, with the
i2'ur;rlinu- sound of an overflowing brook takinir anew direction,
the cold brine pours into mouth, ears, and nostrils, usurping
the seat and avenues of health and life, and, with gradual How,
atifling — smothering — suflbcatiug ! it were better to die a
thousaiid common deaths.

" This is one of the instances in which, it must be admitted,
salt water is not a pleasant subject of contempl.'ition. How-
ever, the rock was not yet covered, and hope, blessed hope,
stuck faithfully by me. To beguile, if possible, the weary time,
I put on a bait, and threw out for fish. I was sooner success-
ful than I could have wished to be, for hardly had my line
struck the water, before the hook was swallowed, and my rod
was bent with the dead hard pull of a twelve foot shark. I let
him run about iifty yards, and then reeled up. He appeared
not at all alarmed, and I could scarcely feel him bear upon my
fine hair line. He followed the pull gently and unresisting,
came up to the rock, laid his uose upon its side, and looked up
into my face, not as if utterly unconcerned, but with a sort of
quizzical impudence, as though he perfectly understood the
precarious nature of my situation. The conduct of my captive
renewed and increased my alarm. And well it might ; for the
tide was now runnnig over a corner of the rock behind me,
and a small stream rushed through a cleft, or fissure, by my
side, and formed a puddle at my very feet. I broke my .hook
out of the monster's mouth, and ^ \ined upon my rod for sup-
port.

TKAITS OF AMERICAN 1IUM(JUU.

217

t to stay
much dj-

fust, ail' I
iter-niark

my coal,
luy grow-
•iii'jr most
lI tried to
i'i)ou mv

4. ft'

imcnt ! 1
wii voice,
know the
. It is a

rouirh tlu?
our deal 1 1
f, inch l)y

certainly
, Avith the
direction,

usur|)iii:;j
dual How,

to die a

admitted,
1. liow-
sed hope,
\ary time,
r succens-

my line
i my rod
rk. 1 let
appeared
upon my
resisting,
ooked up
a sort of
tood the
y captive
for the
hind me,
e, by my
my .hook

for sup-

''' Where ia Tim Tittia?' T cried aloud. 'Ciirso on tlu»
drunken vngahond ! AVill he never come ? '

" jMy ejaeuhiiions did no good. No Timothy appeared. It
Ijceauu; evident tluit I nuist prepare for drowning, or for action.
The reef was com])letely covered, and the water was above the
soles of my feet. I was not mucli of a swimmer, and a^ to ever
reach iiig the island, I could not even hope for that. However,
there was no alternntive, aiul I tried to encourage mvself, bv
redecting that necessitv was the mother of invention, and that
desperation will sometimes insure success. Besides, too, [
considered and took comfort from the thought that I could
wait for Tim, so long as I had a foothold, and then commit
myself to the uncertain strength of my arms and legs for sal-
vation. So I turned my bait-box upside down, ami mounting
upon that, endeavoured to comfort my spirits, and to be cour-
a'^eous, but submissive to my fate. I thought of death, and
wliat it might bring witli it, and I tried to repent of the nuilti-
plied iniquities of my almost wasted life ; but I found that
tliat was no place for a sinner to settle his accounts. NVretched
soul, ])ray I could not.

'• The water had not got above my ankles, when, to my in-
expi'essible joy, 1 saw a slooj) bending dowii towards me, with
the evident intention of picking me up. No man can imagine
what v.'ere the sensations of gralitude which tilled my bosom at
that moment.

'' When she got within a hundred yards of the reef, I sung
out to the man at the helm to lutf up, and lie by, and lower the
boat; but to my amazement, I could get no reply, nor notice
of my request. I entreated them, for the love of heaven, to
take me otf ; and I promised I know not what rewards, that
were entirely beyond my po^^*er of bestovral. But tiie brutal
wretch of a captain, muttering something to the etlcet of 'tliat
he hadn't time to stop,' and giving me the kind and scnsiblo
advice to pull off my coat and swim asliore, put the helm hard
down, and away bore the sloop on the other tack.

"'Heartless villain!' I shivieked out, in the torture of my
dir^appointment ; ' may God reward your inhumanity.'

" The crew answered my prayer with a coarse, loud lau'xh ;
and the cook asked me through a speaking trumpet, ' if i
Avas not afraid of catching cold.' — The black rascal !

" It now was time to strij) ; for my knees felt the cool tide,
and the wind dying away, left a heavy swell, that swayed and
shook the box upon which I was mounted, so that I had oc-
casionally to stoop, and paddle with my hands against the water
in order to preserve my perpendicular. The setting sun sent

01Q

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIL'MOUR.

hia nlinnst liori/ontal stroams of firo across the (l;irk wators,
iiiakin*^ thcin j2;lo()iny and terrilic*, by tlie contrast of his unibor
aiul purplo {j;loric8.

" Soiiu^tliiiifjj plidcd by mo in tlm wator, and then made a
sudden lialt. 1 looked upon tbo black mass, and, as my eye
ran alon;^ its dark outline, I saw, with horror, that it was a
shark ; tlie identical monster out of whose mouth I had just
broken my hook. He was fishing now for me, and was evi-
dcnily only waiting for the tide to rise high enough above th(»
rock, to glut at once his hung(>r and revenge. As the water
contiinied to mount above my knees, he seemed to grow nu)rn
liungry and familiar. At last, he mado a des])erate dash, and
approaching within an inch of my legs, turned u[)on his back,
and opened hit* huge jaws for an attack. With desperate
striHigth, I thrust the end of my rod violently at his inouth ;
and the brass head, ringing against his teeth, threw him back
into the deep current, and 1 lost sight of him entirely. This,
however, was but a momentary repulse ; for in the next minute
he was close behind my back, and pulling at the skirts of my
fustian coat, which hung dipping into the water. 1 leaned
forward hastily, and ejKa.ivom'ed to extricate myself from the
dangerous grasp ; but the monster's teeth were too fuMuly set,
and his innnense strength nearly drew me over. !So, down Hew
my rod, and olf went my jacket, devoted peace-ollerings to my
voracious visitor.

" In an instant the waves all round me were lashed into
froth and loam. No sooner was my jioor old sporting Iriend
drawn under the surface, than it was fought for by at least a
dozen enormous combatants ! The battle raged upon every
side. High black tins rushed now here, now there, and long,
strong tails scattered sleet and froth, and the brine was thrown
up in jets, and eddied and curled, and fell, and swelled, like a
whirlpool in Hell-gate.

*' Of no long duration, however, was this fishy tourney.
It seemed soon to be discovered that the prize contended for
contained nothing edible but cheese and crackers, and no flesh ;
and as its mutilated fragments rose to tho svu-face, the waves
siLbsided into their former smooth condition. Not till then did
1 experience the real terrors of my situation. As I looked
around me to see what had become of the robbers, I counted
one, two, three, yes, up to twelve, successively, of the largest
sharks I ever saw, floating in a circle around me, like divergent
r;i\'s, all mathematically equidistant from the rock, and from
each other; each perfectly motionless, and with his gloating,
fiery eye, fixed full and fierce upon me. Basilisks and rattle-

TnAIT.S OF AMF/MCAN IIKMOrK.

211)

is amber

inn(l(» a
my t'yo
it was ii
liad just
was evi-
bove tho
le water
0\V 111 ore

lash, and
his bai'k,
lefsperato
1 mouth ;
liin back
y. This,
;t minute
ts of my
1 leaned
i'rom tho
niilv set,
own Hew
gs to my

ihcd into
g irieiid
t least a
an every
md lon!r,
thrown
d, like a

ourney.
nded for
10 flesh ;
le waves
then did
'. looked
connted
I largest
ivergent
nd from
loating,
d rattle-

fnakos ! liow the (ire of their steady eyes entered into my heart !
J was tlie centre of a circle, whose radii were sharks! 1 was
the uiisprun,':;, or rather nnchncnl game, at which u pack of
Imnting sea-dogs n-ere making a doatl point!

"There was one old fellow, that kept within the eireuni-
ference of the circle, lie seemed to be a sort of captain, or
leader of the band ; or, rather, he acted as the coroner for tho
other twelve of tlie inquisition, that were sunuuoni'd to sit on,
and eat up my body. Jle glided around and about, and every
now and then would stop, and touch his nose against some ono
of his comrades, and seem to consult, or to give instructions ari
to the time and mode of operation. Occasionally, he would
t-kull himself up towards me, and examine the condition of my
llfsli, and then again glide back, and rejoin the troupe, and ilap
liis tail, and have another confabulation. Tlie old rascal had,
no doubt, been out into the highways and byways, and col-
lected this company of his friends and kin-fish, and invited
them to supper.

"I must confess, that horribly as T felt, I could not help
but think of a tea-jiarty of demure old maids, sitting in a
solemn circle, with their skinny hands in their laps, licking
their expectant lips, while their hostess bustles about in tho
important functions of her preparations. With what an eye
have I seen snch appnrtenances of humanity survey the loca-
tion and adjustment of some special condiment, which is about
to be submitted to criticism and consumption.

" My sensations began to be now most ex([uisite indeed ;
hut 1 will not attempt to describe them. 1 was neither hot nor
cold, frightened nor composed; but 1 had a combination of all
kinds of feelings and emotions. The present, past, future, heaven,
earth, my father and mother, a little girl 1 knew once, and the
sharks, were all confusedly mixed up together, and swelled my
crazy brain almost to bursting. I cried, and laughed, and spout-

ed, and screamed for Tim Titus.

" In a fit of most wise madness I opened my 1 road-bladed
fishiug-knife, and waved it around m}'- head with an air of defi-
ance. As the tide continued to rise mv extra variance of mad-
ness mounted. At one time I became persuaded that my
tide-waiters were reasonable beings, who might he talked into
mercy and humanity, if a body could only hit upon the right
text. So I bowed, and gesticulated, and threw out my hands,
and talked to them, as friends and brothers, members of my
family, cousins, uncles, aunts, people ^ liting to have their bills
l)aid ; I scolded them as my servants , I abused them as duns ;
1 implored them as jurymen sitting on the (question of my lifej

220

TRAITS or AMKKICAN IIL'MUL'U.

r C()n,i];r.'»tulat(Ml ami llalldvd tlioiu as my comrado^ upon soinu
glorious ciiterprlsi' ; 1 biiiil,' and ranted to tluMU, now i\6 an actor
ill a play-Iioust?, and now as an elder at u canip-nieeting ; iu ouu
moment, roaring,

" ' Oil this cold llinty rock I will liiy down my luvul,' —

:nid in the next, giving' out to my attentive liearer.s for 8in[];in'.,',
a hynni ol" J)i' Watt.s «o admirably appropriate to the cecasiuii :

" ' Oil sliiipcry rucks I sec tlicni .st:iiul,
While licry billows roll In low.'

"What said I, what did I not way! Prose and pooiry,
Srriptnre and drama, romanee and ratioeination — out it eainc
^ QntiDidiu, C(i/<i/iit((, luislrd putivnlin dhulct'cf — I sung out t'»
the old eaptain, to bi';;in with : ' ]My brave associates, pjii'tuc!!
of my toil,' — so ran the strain. * On which side soever 1 turn
my eyes,' — * (ientlemiMi of the jury,' — ' I come not here to stc ;!
away your hearts,' — ' You an; not wood, you are not stones, but'
— ' jlah ! ' — ' IJi'i^in, ye tormentors, your tortures are vain,' —
' Good irieiuls, sweet friends. Jet me not stir you up to any sud-
den Hood,' — ' 'I'he angry Hood that laslied her groaning sules,'-
' Ladies and gentlemen,' — * j\ly very noble and approved good
masters,' — ' Avaunt ! and quit my sight ; let the earth hide ye,'
— ' Lie lightl}'' on his head, O earth ! ' — ' O, lu'aven and eart h,
that it should come to this ! ' — ' The torrent roaretl, and we did
bullet it with lusty sinews, steiinuing it aside and oaring it willi
hearts of controversy,' — 'Give me some drink, Titinius,' —
'Drink, boys, drink, and drown dull sorrow,' — 'For liquor if:
doth roll such comfort to the soul,' — 'llomiuis, countrymen and
lovers, hear me for my cause, and be silent that you may heni','
— ' Fellow-eitizens, assembled as we are upon this interest i in;
occasion, impressed with the truth and beauty,' — ' Isle of beauty,
fare thee well,' — 'The quality of mercy is not strained,' --
' Magna Veritas et prevalebit,' — ' Truth is potent, and ' — ' Most
potent, grave, and reverend seigniors,' —

" ' Oh, now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity ; these are gracious drops.
Kind souls ! wli.it ! weep you when you but beliold
Our Cte.sar's vesture wounded,' —

Ha ! lia ! ha ! — and I bi-oke out in a fit of most horrible laugli-
ter, as I thought of the mincemeat particles of my laceraiud
jacket.

" In the mean time, the water had got well up towards my
shoulders, and while I was shaking and vibrating upon my un-
certain foot-hold, I felt the cold n-jse of the captain of the band

upon soiiKj

ilS nil SU'tdl-

for sine;;! 11'.;,
10 cccasiuii :

and poolcy,
out it ciuiic.
sung out to

I'S, [)!U'tn("'!

)OVor 1 turn
lirre tostcil
atones, but'
lire viiin,' —

to any sud-
uvj; sides, '-
proved good
rth hide ye,'
11 and eartli,

and ^^•e di-l

'lug it ^vi!l.

'itinius,' - -
or liquor it

tryuienaii'l
u may hear,'

intcrestiivj;

e ot'beauty.
fcitrained,'-
lid '__' Most

behold

•r

ible lauj^li-
y laeeraiL'il

towards my

ipon my uu-

of the baud

TKAITS OF AMKlilCAN IIUMOCU.

221

ciiuhhlnaj n2;ninst my sido. Despernfely, nnd willtout a dt-Huito
nhject, J struek mv kuil'e at oiu» of his eves, and, hv some sin-
•.Milar foi'tune. cut it out (dean I'rom llu' soidxct. Tlie siiariv darted
h:i(dv. and halted. In an instant hope and reason eam(> to my
ndiid"; and it occurred to nu% that if I eouhl only blind tho
lU'tuster, 1 fuiL,dit yet escape. A('eoi'dini;ly, I stood ready for tho
next attack'. Tho loss of an eye did nol si'ein to affect hint much,
fur alter shakiui]; his head once or twice, he canu' u|) to me a^aiu,
and wlu'ii he was about half an intdi off, turned upon liis back.
This was the critical nu)ment. With a nu)st iniaccounlable
j)resence (d' mind, I. laid hold of his nosiMvillnny left haiul, and
with my riLjht scooped out his remain iuL,' organ of vision, llo
opened his bii^ mouth, and (diam[)ed his lom; teeth at iiu*, in de-
spair. \hii it was all over with him. I raised \u\ ri;;ht foot
and jj;ave him a hard shove, and he glided olf ijito deep water,
ami went to the bottom.

" W'^cdl, jjjentliMnen, I suppose you'd think it a hard story,
hut it's none the less a fact, that 1 served every remaitnnjif ono
(if those nineteen sliarks in the same; fasliion. They all eame U[)
to me, one by one, rer^ularly ajul in order, and 1 scoo[;ed tludr
eyes out, and gave them a s1u)ve, and they went olf into deep
water, just like so many lambs. By tho t'me I had scooped out
and blinded a coujdc; of dozen of them, they bej;an to seem so
scarce that I thou;^ht 1 would swim for the island, and fight tho
rest for fun, on tho way ; but just then, Tim Titus hove in sight,
and it had got to be almost dark, and I concluded to get aboard
and rest myself."

XLV.

A BEAR STOUT.

" What a lie ! " growled Dapiel, as soon as the shark story
was ended.

" Have my doubts ; " suggested the somnolent* Peter Pro-
hasco, with all the solemnity of a man who knows his situation ;
nl the same time shaking his head and spilling his liquor.

"Ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha!" roared all the rest of tho
boys together.

" Is he done ? " asked Eaynor Eock.

"How many shirks was there? " cried long John, putting
ia his unusual lingual oar.

ooo

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOL'R.

" That story puts mo in mind," said Vcima Kaynor, " about
wliat I've heord toll on Ebenczor Smith, at the time he wout
down to the North Pole on a walen' voyage."

" Now ]ov)k out tbi- a screamer," laughed out Eaynor Rock,
refilling his pipe. " Stand by, Mr Cypress, to let the sheet
go."

" Is there anything uncommon about that yarn, "V onus ? "

"Oncommon! well, I expect it's putty smart and oncom-
mon for a man :o go to sea with a bear, all alone, on a ban^
cake of ice. Captain Smith's woman used to say she couldn't
bear to think on't."

"Tell us the whole of that, Venus," said Ned — "that is, it'
it is true. Mine "as — the whole of it — although Peter has his
doubts."

"I can't tell ii; as well as Zoph can; but I've no 'jections
to tell it my way, nohow^ So, here goes — that's great brandy,
Mr Cypress." There was a gurgling sound of " something-to-
take," rinining.

'■ AVel), they was down into EafRn's Bav, or some -^ther o'
them cold Norwegen bays at the north, where the rain tijezes
as it comt^s down, and stands up in the air, on winter mornene!,
like great mountens o' ice, all in streaks. AVell, the schooner
was layen at anclior, and all the hands was out into the small
boats, looker, out for wales — all except i'ie capting, who said
lie w^a'n't very wqW that day. AVell, he was walken up and
down on deck, smoken and thinking, I' expect, mostly, when
all of a sudden h.e reckoned he see one o' tliem big white bear^
— polar b;'ars, you know — big as thunder — vs ith long teeth.
He reckoned he see one on "em sclumpen along on a great cake
o' ice that lay on the lee\\ard side of the bay, up agin the bank,
The old capting wanted to kill one o' them varments most won-
derful, bi't he never lucked to get a cliauce. Now tho', hi'
thought, the time had com? for him to walk into one on 'em at
laast, and fix his mutton for liim right. So he run forrard aiid
lay hold onto a small skitf, that was layen near the forc'^l•ll,
and run her out and launched her ; then he tuk a drink, and —
here's luck — and put in a stitf load of powder, a couple of balln,
and jumped in, and pulled away for the ice.

'• It wa'n't long 'fore he got 'cross the bay, for it wns a
narrer piece of w^ater — not more than haaf u mile wide — and
then he got out on to the ice. It was a smart and largo cake,
and the bear w-as 'way down to the tother end on it, by the
edge o' the water. So he walked fust strut along, and then when
lie got putty cloast he walked round catecorned-like — like's if
he was drivin' for a plain plover — so that the bear wouldn't

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

223

icr, " about
tno he wc'Lit

lynor Rock,
t the sheet.

Venus ? "
and oncom-
, on a ban'
ihe couldn't

-"that is, if
eter has his

no 'jcction.s
•eat brandy,
iuethini?;-to-

tne tther o'

rain tijezos

?r mornen«,

he schooner

to the small

g, who said

:en up and

stly, wlien

wliite bears

long teeth.

I great ca]<o

n the bank',

most won-

)W tho', ho

on 'em at

brrardand

e fore'^tal,

ink, and —

)le of balls,

)r it was a
wide — and
large cake,
it, by the
then when
-like's if
r wouldn't

think ho was cr-men arter him, and he dragged himself along on
his handti and knees, low down, mostly. Well, the bear didvi't;
seem to mind him none, and he got lip within 'bout fifty yards
on him, and then he looked so savage and big — the bear did — •
that the captin stopped and rested oti his knees, and put up
liis gnn, and was agoin to shoot. But just then the bear
turned round and snuffed up the captin — ;just as one of Lif's
hounds snuffs up an old buck, Mr Cypress — and begun to walk
towards him, slowly like, lie coin^' along, the captin said,
clump, clump, very slow, and made tlie ice bend and crack
again under him, so that the water come up and putty much
kivered it all over. AVell, there the captin was all the time
t^ipuit on his knees, with liis gun pinted, waiten for tho varment
to come up, and his knees and legs was mighty cold by means
of the water that the bear riz on the ice as 1 was mentionen.
At last the bear seemed to make up his mind how the captin
uviild taste, and so he left off walkin' slow, and started off on
a smart swift trot, right towards the old man, with his mouth
wide open, roaren, and his tail sticken out stiff. The captin
i:ept still, looken out all the time putty sharp, I should say,
fill the beast got wichin about ten yards on him, and then he
L't him have it. lie aimed right at the fleshy part of his heart,
but the bear dodged at tlie flash, and rared up, and the balls
went into his two hind legs, just by the jynt, one into each, and
broke the thi^h bones smack off, so that he went riirh^- down
aft, on the ice, thump, on his hind quarters, with nothen
standen but his fore legs, and his liead riz up, a grow., n at the
captin. AVHien the old man see him down, and tryin to slide
along the ice to get his revenge, likely, thinks he to himself,
thinks he, I might as well get up and go and cut that ere
ci'eter's throat. So he ttdc out his knife and opened it.

"But when he started to get up, he found, to his astonish-
ment, that he was fruz fast to the ice. Don't laugh : it's a
fact ; there an't no doubt. The water, you see, had been round
him a smart and long while, whilst he was waiten for the bear,
and it's wonderful cold in them regions, as I was sayen, and
you'll freeze in a minit if you don't keep moven about smartly.
ISo the captin he strained first one leg, and then he strained
tother, but he coiddn't move 'em none. They was both fruz
fast into the ice, abotu an inch and a half deep, from knee to
toe, tight as a Jersey oyster perryauger on a mud fiat at low
water. So he laid down his gun, and looked at the bear, ami
doubled up his fists.

"'Come on, you bloody varmint,' says the old man, as t:ie
baar swalloped along ou his hinder uend, conieu at him.

221-

TRAITS OF A?*rEniCAN TTUMOUR.

" Tie kppt gotk-n wcalcor, tlio,' mid ronion slowor miiT sLnvor
Jill the tiiiu', so th;it iit hisl lie didn't ^eem to move none; and
directly, wlicii lie'd got so near that the captin could jist give
him a dig in the; nose by reachcn forrard putty smart and I'ar,
tlie captin see that the hcast was fruz fast too. Mor h.e couldn't
move a step furtlier forrard no ^vays. Then the caplin burst
out a laughen, and clapped his hands down on to hi^ thighs,
and roared. The hear t.eemed to be most onmighty mad at the
old man's fun, and set up such a growlen that what shouM
come to pass, but the ice cracks and breaks all around the
captin and the bear, down to the water's edge, and the wind
jist then a Khiftcn, and comen offshore, away they lloatc'd on a
cake of ice about ten by six, off to sea, without the davjied a
biscot or a quart o' liquor to stand 'em on tlie cruise! There
they sot, the bear and the captin, iust so near that when tliey
both reached forrards, they coidd jist about toucli noses, and
notlier one not able to move any part on him, only excepten his
upper part and fore pav\S."

" By jolly ! that v.-as vafher a criticrd predicamenf:, Venus,"
cried Ned, buttoniMg his coat. " I should have thought that the
captain's nose and ear^^ and hands would have been frozen too."

" That's quite naytr'l to suppose, Sir, but you see the bear
kept him warm in the upper parts, by being so cloast to liim,
and breathen hard and hot on the old man whenever he growled
at him. Them polar bears is wonderful hardy animals, and has
a monstrous deal o' heat into 'em, by means of their bein' able
to stand such cold climates, I expect. And so the captin knovr-
ed this, and whenever he felt chilly, he just tuk up his ramrod
and stirred up the old rascal, and mi.de him roar and squeal,
and then the hot breath would come pouren out all over t!ie
captin, and made the air quite moderat and pleasant."

" Well, go on. Venus. Take another horn first."

"Well, there a'nt much more on't. Off they went to sea,
and sometimes the wind druv 'em nothe, and then agin it druv
'em southe, but they went southe mostly ; and so it went on
until they were out about three weeks. So at last, one afier-
noon — "

" But, Venus, stop : tell us, in the name of wonder, how did
the captain contrive to support life all this time? "

" Why, Sir, to be sure, it was a hard kind o' life to support,
but a hardy man will get used to almost — "

" No, no : wdiat did he eat ? what did he feed on ? "

'< 0—0— I'd liked to've skipped that ere. AVhy, Sir, I've
heerd diflerent accounts as to that. Uncle Obe A^'erity told
uie he reckoned the captin cut off one of the bear's paws, when

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

225

mil slmvor

10110 ; and

d jist give

I't and I'ar,

le couldn't

pliu burst

bid thighs,

mad at the

hat slioiiUl

u'ound the |

1 the wind

heated on a

e darned a

se ! There
when they
noses, and

txcepteu his

nt, Yenua,"
rrht that the
frozen too."
see the bear
past to him,
he growled
ala, and has
ir bein' able
aptin hnov,--
his ramrod
and squeal,
all over the
t."

Lvent to sea,
lagin it druv
it went on
It, one ai'ier-

|:ler,bow did

to support,

Iiy, Sir, I've
IVerity told

pawi

when

he lay stretched out asleep one day, with his jaclc-hnife, and
sacked that for fodder, and they say there's a smart deal o'
nourishment in a white bear's foot. But if I may be allowed
to spend my 'pinion, I should say my old man's account is the
riQ:htest, and that's — what's a^ follows. You see after they'd
been out three days abouts, they begun to grow kind o' hungry,
and then they got fri'Midly, for misery loves compfiny, you
know ; and tlie captin said the bear looked at htm several times,
very sorrowful, as much as to say, * Captin, wdiat the devil shall
we do ? ' AV^ell, one day they was sitten looken at each other,
with the tears ready to burst out o' their eyes, when all of a
hurry, somethin' come iloppen up out o' the water onto the ice.
The captin looked and see it was a seal. The bear's eyes
kindled up as he looked at it, and then, the captin said, he giv
him a wink to keep still. So there they sot, still as starch, till
the seal not thinken nothin' o' them no more nor if they was
dead, Avalked right up between 'em. Then slump! went down,
old whitey's nails into the fish's flesh, and the captin run his
jack-knife into the tender loin. The seal soon got his bitters,
and the captin cut a big hunk off the tale eend, and put it be-
hind him, out o' the bear's reach, and tlien he felt smart and
comfortable, for he had stores enough for a long cruise, though
the bear couldn't say so much for himself.

*' Well, the bear, by course, soon run out o' provisions, and
had to put himself onto short allowance; and then he begun
to show his natural tamper. He first stretched himself out a3
far as he could go, and tried to hook the captiu's piece o' seal,
but Aviien he found he couldn't reach that, he begun to blow
and yell. Then he'd rare up and roar, and try to get himself
clear from the ice. But mostly he rared up and roared, and
pounded his big paws and head upon the ice, till by-and-by
(jist as the captin said he expected) the ice cracked in two
agin, and split right through between the bear and tlie cajitin,
and there they was on two 'lilferent pieces o' ice, the captin
and the bear! The old man said he raaly felt sorry at pari en
company, and when the cake split and jcparate, he cut off about
a haaf o' pound o' seal and chucked It to the bear. Lut either
because it wan't enough for him, or else on account o' his
feelen bad at the captin's goen, the beast wouldn't touch it to
cat it, and he laid it down, and growled and moaned over it
(|uite pitiful. AV^ell, oil' they went, one one way, and t'otlier
'iiother way, both feern pretty bad, I exj)ect. After a while
the captin got smart and cold, and felt mighty lonesome, and
he said he raaly thought be'd a gi'n iu and died, if they hadn't
pick'd him up that arLeruoou."

22G

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIU^.TOUR.

" AVho picked him up, Venus ? "

"AVho? a codfish craft off o' Newfoundland, I expoct.
They didn't know what to make o' him when they lirst stn; him
slingen up his liat for 'em. Bat they got out ail their boats,
and took a small swivel and a couple o' muskets aboard, and
started oil" — expccten it was the sea-sarpent, or an old maremaid.
They wouldn't believe it Avas a man, until he'd told 'em all
about it, and then they didn't hardly believe it nuther; and
thev cut him out o' the k-e and tuk him aboard their vessel, and
rubbed his legs with ile o' vitrol ; but it was a long time afore
they come to."

" Didn't they hurt him badly in cutting him out, Venus ? "

"No, Sir, 1 believe not; not so bad as one might s'posc :
for you see he'd been stuck in so long, that the circulaten on h:s
blood had kind o' rotted the ice that was right next to him, ami
when they begun to cut, it crack'd olf putty smart and easy,
and he come out whole like a hard biled egg."

" What became of the bear? "

" Can't say as to that, what became o' him. He went off to
sea somewheres, I exp(M't. I should like to know, myself, how
the varment got along right well, for it was kind in him to let
the captin have the biggest haaf o' the seal, anyhow. That's
all, boys. How many's asleep ? "

XLVI.

THE BEST-NATURED MAN IN THE WORLD.

A YiELDT^'G temper, when not carefully watched and c\irb(Ml,
is one of the most dangerous of faults. Like unregulateil
generosity, it is apt to carry its owner into a thousand diili-
culties, and, too frequently, to hurry liim into vice, if not into
crimes. But as it is of advantage to others Avhile indicting in-
jury upon its possessor, it has, by the common consent of man-
kind, received a tine name, which covers its follies and promotes
its growth. This easiness of disposition, which is a compound
of indolence, vanity, and irresolution, is known and applauded
as " good-nature ;" and, to have reached the su])erlative degree,
so as to be called the " best-natured iellow in the world — almost
too good-natured for his own good," is regarded as a lofty
merit.

The "best-natured fellow in the world" is merely a conve-

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

227

, see him
sir boats,
)ard, and
lareinaid.
I 'em all
her; ami
pssel, and
iime atbrc

Venus ? "
lit s'pose :
itenouhis
o him, and
and easy.

went oiTto

iiyself, how

him to let

v. That's

rind curbed,
inre.L^-ulated
lisand ditli-
if not into
liilieting in-
>nt of man-
id promotes
compound
applauded
Itive degree,
rid — almost
as a lofty

3ly a conve-

nience ; very useful to otlicrs, but worse tlian useless to himself.
He is the bridge across the brook, and men walk over him. lie
is the wandering pony of the Pampas, seeking his ow n proven-
der, yet ridden, by those who contribute not to his support. 1!(»
giveth up all the sunshine, and h;ilh nothing but ehilliug shadi;
lor himself. He waiteth at the table of the world, serveth tlie
guests, who clear the board, and, for food and pay, give him fine
words, which culinary research hath long since ascertained can-
not be used with profit, even in the buttering of parsnips. Jle
is, in fact, an appendage, not an individuality ; and when woru
out, as he soon must be, is thrown aside to make room for an-
other, if another can be had. Such is the result of excessive
compliance and obsequious good-nature. It plundereth a man
of his spine, and converteth him into a llexile willow, to be bent
and twisted as his companions choose, and, should it please them,
to be wreathed into a tish-basket.

Are there any who doubt of this ? Let them inquire for one
Lcniter ISalix, and ask his opinion. Leniter may be ragged, but
his philosophy has nor so many lioles in it as miiiiit be inferred
from the state of his wardrobe. jN'ay, it is the nu)ie perfeet on
that account ; a k'.iowledge of the world penetrates the more
easily when, from defective apparel, we ap[)roa('h the nearer to
our original selves. Leniter's hat is crownless, and the clear light
of knowledge streams without impediment upon his brain, lie is
not bound up in the strait jacket of prejudice, for he long siiu-e
pawned his solitary vest, and his coat, niade for a Goliath, hangs
about him as loosely as a politician's principles, or as the })urs-
er's shirt in the poetical comparison. JSalix has so long bumped
his head against a stone wall, that he has knocked a hole in it,
and like Cooke, the trauedian, sees through his error. He has
speculated as extensively in ex})erience as if it were town lots.
The quantity of that article he has purchased, could it be made
tangible, would freight a seventy-four; — were it convertible
into cash, Crccsns would be a Chelsea ])ensi()ner to Salix. ]5ut
unluckily for him, there are stages in life when experience itself
is more ornamental than useful. When, to use a forcible ex-
pression — when a man is "done," — it matters not whether ho
has as much experience as 8amson had hair, or as Eergami had
whisker— he can do no more. Salix has been in his time so
much pestered with duns, "hateful to gods and men," that lie
is done himself.

"The sun was rushing down the west," as EaTiim has it, at-
tending to its own business, and, by that means, shedding bene-
lit upon the world, when Leniter Salix was seen in front of a
little grocery, the locale of which shall be nameless, sitting de-

228

TUAITS OF AMi:UICAN JIL'MOUK. .

joetedly ii|)ou n lu'g of iiiuclvurel, niuuLcr 2. ITe luul been " tl.o
bcst-iuitLiicd I'ellow in the world," but, as tho g(M)l()<^ist.s y:iy,lio
Avay ill a bl.it(3 of li-arisitioii, and Avas rapidly becoining up to

(qj.

xVt all cN'eiitti, ho had h"us iio^so to tho <rrindstouo, a

operation which should make mou keen, lie was liouseless,
hoiuolesa, peiiiiilesp., and the grocery iium had asked liiin to
keep an eye iii)ou the dog, for fear of the niidsuiniuer catastro-

he wh

bird-

iicli awaits such animals wluni their snouts are not m a

caii'e.

uis service was

tob

rei'oinnensec

I witl

I a cracker

and a glass of what the shopman was j.)leased to call ravlitj mi rack-
WtH, a lluid sometimes termed "railroad," I'roiii the rapidity
with Avhich it hurries men to the end of their journey. Like
many of the best-natured fellows in the wui'lil, Salix, by way ol:
being ji capital companion, and of not being ■.nlll'i'cnt from others,
had aciiuircd rather a partiality for riding on this "railroad,"
and he agreed to keep his trigger eye on tlie dog.

"That's right, Salix. I aiway.: knowed }ou were the best-
natnred fellow in the world."

" ll-u-m-p-s-e ! " sighed Salix, in a prolonged, plaintive, nn-
ccrtain mannei', as if he admitted the fact, but doubted the
honc'ir; "h-u-m-p-s-e ! but, if it wasn't for the railroad, which
is good for my complaint, because I take it internally to drive
out the perspiration, I've a sort of a notion Carlo might take care
of himself. There's the dog playing about without his muzzle,
just because I'm good-nntiu'ed; tliere's Timpkins at work making
money inside, instead o.' watching his own whelp, just because
I'm good-naiured ; and I'm to sit here doing nothing instead of
going to get a little job a man promised me down town, just be-
cause I'm good-natured. I can't see exactly what's the use of
it to me. it's pretty much like having a bed of your own, and
letting other ]ieoplo sleep in it, soft, while you sleep on the bare
lloor, hai'd. it v»ouldn't be so bad if you could have half, or
quarter of the bed; but no — these good friends of mine, as I
may say, turn in, take it all, roll themselves up in the kivering,
and won't let us have a bit of sheet to mollify the white pine
sacking bottom, the which is pleasant to whittle with a sharp
l:nife— quite soft enough for that purpose — but the which
is not the pink of feather-beds. I don't like it — I'm getting
tired."

The brow of Salix began to blacken — therein liaving decid-
edly the advantage of his boots, which could neither blacken
luemselves, nor prevail on their master to do it — when ^Irs
Timpkins, the shopman's wife, popped out with a child in her
arms, and three more trapesing after her.

" Law, Salix, how-dee-doo ? I'm ao glad — I know you're

TKAITS OF AMElilCAX lIUMOLTt.

een

iig up to
sloiK', ail
louselcss,
d liiui to

cut list ro-
t) jiot ill a
a cracker,
[•y inirack-
i rapidity
y. Like
by Avay oi
jiu otlicrt^,

railroad,"

! the best-

iiitivo, iiu-
)ubtcd tlio
oad, Avbicli
ly to drive
[t take care
lis imi/./.le,
k making
t because
instead of
11, just be-
he use of
own, and
u the bare
e half, or
mine, as I
e kivering,
white pine
th a sharp
the uhicli
'm getting

vmc: decid-
er Wackcii
Avlieu 31 r3
hild in her

LOW y

cure

tlio bost-natni'od creature in l1io -world. Jist hold lillle 75idi!y
a while, and kccj) an eye on t'other young 'uius — you'iv such ;i
luirse — he! lie! he! — fo busy — ain't go no girl — so busy
washing — most tea time — he! he! he! 8alix."

Mrs Timpkins disappeared, Biddy ren.ained in the arms of
Salix, and " t'other young 'iins " rac(>d about with the dog. Tho
trigger eye was com])(dl(Ml to invoke tlie aid of its coadjutor.

'* Whew ! " w histled Saliv ; " the quantity of pork they give
in this part of the town for a sliilliug is aina/in' — I'm so good-
natured ! That railroad will be well i- irnt anyhow. I'm bt'gin-
ning to think it's (]U(>er there ain't ir.ore good-natured people
about besides me — I'm a sort of mayor tuid corporation all my-
i;eif in this business. It's a monopoly where the profit's all loss,
Kow, for instance, these Timpkinses woii't ask me to tea, bccaus,-
I'm ragged; but they ar'n't a bit too pnmd to ask me to play
child's nurse and do<j:'s uncle — thev won't lend mo any money,
because I can't pay, and they're persimmony and sour about
cash concerns — and they won't let mo have time to earn any
money, and get good clothes — that's because I'm so good-iia-
tured. I've a good mind to strike, and be sassy."

*' Hallo ! hJalix, my good fellow ! " said a man, on a horse, a?
he rode up ; "you're the very chap I'm looking for. As I says
to mv old woman, savs T, Leniter Salix is the wholesoul'desi:
chai) T ever did see. There's nothinu: he won't do for a friend,
and I'll never forget him, if I was to live as old as Metlui-
selah."

tSallx smiled— Hannibal Noftened rocks with vinegar, but
the stranger melted the ice of our hero's resolution with praise.
Salix walked towards him, liolding the child with one hand as
he extended the other for a fi'ieiully shake.

"■ You're the best-nalured fellow in the world, Salix," ejacu-
lated the stranger, as he l(\aped from the saddle, and hung' the
reins upon Salix's extended fingers, instead of shaking hands
with him; "you're the best-natured fellow in the world, flust
hold my horse a minute. I'll be back in a jilley, Salix ; in less
than half an hour," said the disnu)unted rider, as he shot rou;id
the corner.

•'If that ain't cutting it fat, I'll be darned!" growled Salix,
as soon as he had recovered from liis breathless amazement, and
had gazed from dog to babe — from horse to childi-en.

'• ]^lr Salix," screamed ]Miss Ta.bitha Gadabout from ilu^ next
house, " I'm just running over to Timpson's place. Kecj) an eye
on my street door — back in a mimite."

she Hew aci'oss the street, and as she went, the word> "best-
natured soul alive " were heard upon the breeze.

2:J()

TJIAIT8 OF AMERICAN IIIJMOIJU.

"TIiiiI'h c'oiisidf ral)l(' fultcr — it'H an fat as sliow boof," sniil
Salix. " How many eyes liasa ;^u(»(l-iiatiiri'(l ll'lldw l;o1. aiivliDW ?
'I'iii'cc of iiiiiu;'s ill list' a'l'cailv. The jiood-iiat urecU'r \(mi arc,
the iiioro oycs you liave, I H'posc. That Job ii[) town's johhcd
■williout rue, and wlicro I'm to slccj), or U, cat my supper, it's
)iot Mm.' easiest tliiiiL; in the world to telL Ain't |)aid my hoard
tiiis six months, I'm ho ^",,d-nalnred ; and the old woman's so
j;ood-n:itiired, siie said J needn't come baek. These Timpkinscs
and all ol" 'cm are ready enoiiL,di at askini^ me to do tiling's, hut
uhcn 1 ask them — There, that dog's oil', and the ketcherti arc
comiii'4' — Carlo ! Carlo ! "

The baby be^'an scpialling, and the horse grow restive, tlio
d \jf scan ipered into the very teeth of dan^cv; and the lhrr(3
little Tim[)kiiises, who could locomr le, a -ent scrabhliiiL;', in dll-
ferent directions, into all fc.orfs of niisohiefj until liually one of
tljcm pitched head Ibr.jinost into u cellar.

Halix ;/rcw furicnis.

" Whoii, pony! — hush, you infernal bi-r.' !— bee, Carlo ! —
Thunder and crockerv ! — th(>re's a vounu: Timi)kins smashed
and spoilt ! — knocked into a c(jcked 'lat! "

" l\ir iSulix ! " shouted a boy, I'/um the other side of the
way, " when you'i'e doiu; that 'ei'c, mammy says if you won't go
a liM.ie narrand for her, you're so good-natei-'d."

Tlicn^ are moments wIumi calamity nerves lis; wbcn wild

fren/.y congeals into calm resolve; as one may see by penning

a cat in a, corner. It is then that the coward lights ; that the

oppressed strikes at tiie life of the opj)ressor. That moment

had come to ISalix. lie stood bt)lt upright, as cold and as straight

as an icicle. Jlis good-nalure might he seen to drop from him

in two |)i(H'es, like Cinderella's kitclien garments in the opera.

He iaiil Jiidtly Timpkins on the lop of the barrel, relcaseil

the liorse, giving him a vigorous kick, whicli sent him Hying

down the street, and strode indignantly away, leaving Carlo,

Miss (Jadahout's bouse, and all othe/ matters in bis charge, to

the guardiauohip of chance.

* * * # >» #

Tlie last time Salix was seen in the busy haunts of men, be
looked the very incarnation of gloom and despair. His very
:l irone to relieve bis necessities, and be waader*

a; id di'jectedly about, relieving'- the workings of bi^' perturbed

^pi

ril

kick

mil

;ver fell in his way

m done

soliloquize

d b

jaruenersiu

between
sons ii

mo
bted

rajd good-nature is this day dissolved, and all pi.
will please to settle with the undersigned, who alone is au-
thorized. Yes, 'there's a good many indebted, and it's high

iV<*

THATTS OF AMERICAN TirMOUR.

2:U

iiiivhow ?
' you Jiro,

I's joblii'il
ippiT, it's
my lioanl
)Ui:m'H so

liiiL^s, lull
Lchci'ti arc

'stivo, tlio
tlic tlu'co
no-, i)) dil-
illv one of

, Carlo !-

s siiiasiicd

ido ol" tlio
Li won't go

when wild

y j)onnin<j;

'; thai llio

lit nioiiu'Ut;

as sirai<j,lit

I) iVoni liiin

the opera.

|l, released

hi in Hying

ling Carlo,

charge, to

pf iiion, lie
His very

L-redsL.wly
perturbed

kween me
Is indebted
lone is au-
it's bigli

time to dissolve, v.lien your ])ardener has s<dd all the gooi'.s
and spent all the m)ney. Once 1 had a litlli' shop —ah !
wasn't it nice? — [)lenty of goods and plenty ol' business. I*ut
then eomes one troop ot'lellows, and they wanted tiek — I'm so
gO(»d-natured ; then comes another set ot' chaps, who didn't let
bashfulness stand in their way u minute; thi-y sailed a good
deal marer the wind, and wanted to borry money — Tin so
gooil-n;itnreil ; antl more asked me to go secui'ily. These lel-
lows were always very particular friends of mine, and got what
they asked for; but I was a very^ particular fri(!nd of tluMrs,
and couldn't get it back. It was one of the good rules that
\\on't work both \vays ; and 1, somehow or other, was at the
wrong end of it, ibr it wcnddn't work my way at all. 'J'here's
few rules that will, barring subst inaction, and division, and alli-
gation, when our folks allegated against me that 1 wouldn't
come to no good. All the cypherin' 1 could ever do mado
more come to little, and little come to less ; and yet, as i said
afore, I had a good many assistants too.

''JJusiness ke[)t ])re{ty fair; but 1 wasn't cured. Becanso
I was good-natured, 1 had to go with 'em frolicking, tea-p:iri_\-
ing, exeursioning, and busting; and for the same reason, J was
always ap[)inted treasurer to iruike the distribution when thero
wasn't a cent of surplus revenue in the treasiuy but nny i)\sn.
It was mv iob to pav all the bills. Yes, it was alwavs * Salix,

you know me' — ' kSalix, pony up at the bar, and lend us a levy '
— ' Salix always shells out like a gentleman.' Oh, to be sure!
and why not ? — now I'm shelled out myself — first out of my
shop by old vcndi/ioni cxpunati, at the IState House — old Jlcri/
fiish '?^s to me directed. Jiiit they didn't direct him soou
enough, for he only got the iixtures. The goods had gone out
uu a bust long before 1 busted. Xext 1 was shelled out of
m\ boarding house; and lunv," (with a lugubrious glance at
his shirt and j)antaloons,) '' I'm neai'ly shelled out of my
clothes. It's a good thing they can't easy shell me out of my
skin, or they would, and let me catch my death of cold. I'm a
hicio shell-Hsh — an oyster with the kivers oil".

'' liut it was always so — when 1 was a little boy they coaxed
{dl my pennies out of me ; coaxed me to take all the javvings,
and all the hidings, and to go lirst into all sorts of scrajjes, and
j)recious scrapings they used to be. I wonder if there isn't
two kinds of people — one kind that's made to chaw up t'other
kind, and t'other kind that's nuide to be chawed up by one kind ?
— cat-kind of people, and mouse-kind of people ; 1 guess thej'O

IS.

111 very muc

h (jf

a mouse myse

If.

AVhat i waut to know is, what's to become of me. I'vj

TKAITS OF A'rKh'ICAN HUMOIJK.

spent all T had in gettini; my edJication. Loarnin*, tlioy say,
is I)i'ttt'r tliaii houses and lands. J woiuk-r if anybcKly uill
swap .soinu hoiiso and land with nic i'ov mine ? I'd go it ovlmi,
and ask no boot. Tliuy should liavo it at [jfimo cost ; but they
won't ; and 1 begin to be alVaid ill have to gut married or
Mist in the marines. Tiuit's what most [)eo|)lo do Avhen they've
nothing to do."

tP W W TT * W

AVIiid became of Leniter Salix immediately is immaterial ;
what will become of him eventually is clear enough. His story
is one acting every day, and, tiiough grotcsijuely sketched, id
an evidence of the danger of an aceonimodating disposition
when not regulated by prudence. The softness of " the best-
natured lellow in the world" requires a large admixture of
hardening alloy to give it the proper tamper.

XLVII.

CUUNKEY S FIGHT WITH THE rANTIIERS.

Co Chunk ! went Jem into the middle of the floor; jest at
the crack off day (Jem is a labor-savin' man about ondressing
when he goes to bed). He connnenced ehunkin' the iire, then
"ah!" says he, feelin' for the tin cup. Presently ho went to
the door, and shouted to the foreman :

" Sound that horn, Ilembry. Tell the niggars in the quar-
ter to lumber the hollar back agin to the kitchen, for a hurri-
cane has surely broke loo^e ! "

Then "ah!" says he again, and in he comes.

" Chunkey ! " says he.

" Achat's busted, Jem ? "

"Ivorth pole has busted, and no mistake. The ground iB
kivered witli snow."

I sprung up, and sure enough thar was the snow, the first
that ever fell in the creek, jest follerin' civilization. I knoweil
thar'd be howlin', smashin' of teeth, burnin' of brimstone, and
a worryin' of the stranger, on the creek to-day, and so, 1 reckon,
did the dogs, 'cause when Ilembry blovved the horn, they como
a shoutin' like so nuvny imps. Jest inuigin, Captin, thirty full-
grown dogs, a cross of the blood on the old A'irginny foxhound,
keen as a bowyer, and adzactly of Jem's opinion, siguii'ying as
plain as they could, if huntin's goin' on_, they'd take a chance.

TKAH'S OF AMERICAN IIUMOri!.

233

tlioy say,
>{)dy will

) it OVLMl,

buttl

icy
irricd OL'
Li they've

iiiatorial ;
[Lis story
•tchcd, id
Imposition
the; bc'at-
ixturo ot'

ir ; jest afc

mh'Lvssing

ilru, then

10 WCiit to

[the qiuir-
a hurri-

rrouncl is

„ the first
knoweil
|toue, and
jl reckon,
Ihey eomo
lirty I'ull-
I'uxiiound,
|ii tying as
chance.

Well, wc splMr<j;ed abont till brenknist-liinr, •^ctlin' nj) a!ul
eleanin' fj[uns, and eonntin' bails, and dividin' powder.

" i^i'ing out tiiem bar-saHsago and deer melts," says Jem ;
"and then, Chunkey, we'll locomotion. "

" Jlift eyes all the time lookin' like a live coal of fire, and
every muscle jumpin' lor joy.

" Look out, bar," says ho.

"Say low, and keep dark, pante?*," says I.

"J)i'er, don't you come nigh me," says Jem, and then ho

commenced singin' :

" Oil, ruin como wot mo, pim rnnio dry nic,
Tiiko care, wliitt; iiiuii, ddii't coiiii' iiigli iiio,"

nnd strikin' a few flourishes of the goin' and comin' double
shuflle.

"Jlurrah for Sky Lake," says I.

"]lurrah for the Forkin' Cyj)resa drive," says Jem, tnkin'
a drink, and cuttin' a few pigeon-wings with his left leg. " Now
mind, CInnikey, no deer or wild turkey, no hogs or cub — no-
thin' but bar or panter."

" Agreed," says I, and then we budged.

Captin, you've hearn Jem say, he's hard of liearin' ? AVfll,
he is sometimes, 'specially wlien he don't want to hear; but
thnt mornin' he was wide awake all over, and could have beam
an old he bar grunt in a thunder-storm.

''I'll carry the horn, Chunkey. If yon blow, I can't hear
you ; and when I want you, I'll blow, and yon can."

I didn't 'spect anything then, but you'll see.

"Well, we had our big guns, them the govenor gin iis ;
they throw twelve to the pound, and war made by that man
what lives in Louisville; what's his name?

He promised to send me a deer-gun gratis for two young
panters, but he ain't done it.

Jem's gun war in bar order that mornin', and if you'd jest
say varment above your breath, click it would go, cockin' itself.

Lots of deer war 'tinually passin' ; that day some on 'em
^tood feedin' jist as careless as a loafer v\ ith a full belly ; they
kuo'ed they war safe. The day was mighty clear and yaller;
it warn't very cold, but still the snow diddent melt, but floated
sorter like turkey-feathers in the wind, and in the tall cane it
fell round us like a fog.

AVhen we got to the Forkin' Cypress, Sol soon had a camp
made; and I and Jem started to look for sign.

We hadn't been gone long, when I hearn Jem's horn, and
made to him; thar war a sign at the foot of a tree, and thar
war his track in the snow.

2'\i

'J'KAITS OF AMKRICAN HUMOUR.

"Sliiill wo nail liim, ('luinkcy ? '*

" lit coiirst'," nays I.

Well, we hollcri'il 1(» Sol to let llio do^jjs loose. Prcsontlv
I iiearii 'em give hoiiu; wliort lickn, aiul 1 kiiowed he wiir
itj).

'•Tliar'rt a cry i'or you."

Away they ^'o fiirthei' and fiirtlier, pre^oiitly you ran jost
hear 'em, and then they art? elean ijone. 1 liearn Jem shoutiii'
awhile, and then his month i.s lost too. 1 «larted on, spcctiij'
lo meet 'em eomin' back, and in about an hour 1 lu'aru .lem'd
\ oic(.' :

" Who-whoop ! "

" Ah, bar ! " says I, '' wliar'a your frieii'ls ? "

I Hoon hearn Jem a<j;in, and presently I hcarn the dof]js, lik"
Ihe rini^'in' of a cow-bt-ll, a long way oil'. They conu^ up th •
rid'^e, and then hore oil' to the thick cane on tny right. Tiicn
they hushed awhile, and I knoed they's a lightin'.

Look out, dogs ; thar, they are gwyine again — no, hore they
comes! Lay low, and keep dark.

1 put down another ball, and stood for him. 1 hearn tlie
cane crackin',and cocked my gun. Here luu'ouies — here hi- in.
1 hear him snortin', wake snakes. Ain't that lunibcriii' ':' Tiiar,
they've got him agjiin, and now the i'ur ilies. i crawled thro'
the cane, trying to get a shot at'ore the dugs seen me. Thar
they is, but which is he ?

Jiang ! whili", whiil:', said the bar, and with that every do:^'
jumped him. The canes a crackin', and the dogs a hollcriii'.
I jerked my bowyer and plunged in, and thar they war hiui;;
togather like a swarm of bees. I felt the liar risin' on my head,
and the blood ticklin' the end of my tingcjrKS. 1 crept up bt-
hind him and he war done fightin'. lie haddentgot a hundred
yards from the place whar I'd shot him. It war a death shot,
and blinded him, and thar side of him lay " (Singer " and " Cou-
stitutioual," two of the best dogs in Jem's pack. I giv a
shout, and Jem answered. Presently I hearn him cummin',
blowiii' like a steam-boat, and mad as anything; he always
gits mad Avhen he's tired, and when he seen them dead dog-^,
he commenced breathin' mighty hard, and the veins in his nerk
was as big as lingers ; "we warn't more than a cpiarter and :i
half from i-he camj), whar we soon got, both mighty hungry an:
tired. Sol cooked the liver jest to the right pint, and w ■
spent the balance of the evenin' in singin', braggin', and eatin'
sparribs roasted brown, till we went to sleep.

Next morniii' when we waked it was sorter cloudy and
■warm too. The wind war blowin' mightily.

TKAITS OF AMCUICAN IlUMurU,

2:i5

l'r»»soiit]y
VL'tl liu wur

on ran jost
fill slioiitin'
on, spfctiii'
iL'urii Juiu'i

he (l(>jj;s, lik:.'
'onu; up till'
'iglit. Tiicii

10, hero they

1 lu'iini llie
i — luTu li(.' ia.
riti' •r' Thiir,
fnnvlc'd thro'
I inc. Thar

every do;;

a holli'riu".

'y war hiiii;-

on my lieticl,

;rept up bc-

)t a hutuhv.l

deatli shut,

and '■ Coi;-

I giy :i

m cummin',

he always

ii dead dogs

in his neck
larter and a

hungry an.!
nt, and wi'
', and eatin'

cloudy ami

" \()\v, Chunkcv, h't's liave a [)anter to dav, or nofhiuy

"All w/," H!ivs"l.

A\'('ll, arter brniUast Jein s:iys, "C'liuuhcy, you must tako
the ri;;ht widi; the Jjake, and J 'II take the 'yi-lher, till we nu-et
— and, C'huukey, you must rii.sh ; it ain't more nor eight miles
idund, but your sule hun/ seeiu long, as you ain't usen to tho
ground. Jiet's licker out ol' nn/ gourd, you ain't got more nop
you'll want. lv(i-[) your eye skinned lor sign, ;ind listen lor
n)y horn ! "

"ilunip yourself,'' ^Jiy^^ I» i'lid we both (larted--?n7/ ; f.
worked my passage through cane, palmetto, aud vines, until
I war tired — i haddeut huarn .ii'iu's lioru, and pushed on tho
harder to meet hint ; every oJiec and a while I'd think hviir.s Iho
/iiru of flic Jm/cc, hut when I'd git to the \)\\ivc, f//ar if. /rr/,v
f'tretchin' out as big as ever. Once i thought I hearn .[eni'H
horn, but eouldent (juite make it out. 1 kept mo\in'; hours
]):issed and no Jem or end of the Lake; I'd si :'!> lots of bar
aud panter sign, lots of deer, and more swan, wild-goose, and
duck, than you ever will see; but 1 paid no attention to 'em,
as 1 'speeted I'd laktii some wrong ai'in of the liake and war
lost, it war gettin' towards night, and I. 's[)eeled I'd have to
sleep by myself, but you know i diddenl mind that, as 1 war
used to it. Jjut it war the lirst time in my life that I'd bin
lost, and that did ])ester me mightily. AV'ell, ISir, after studyin'
awhile, 1 thought I'd better put back towards the camp, mighty
tired and diseouraued. 1 then throw'd my gourd round to tako
a drop of liker, and it wvrcj/llad irif/i inifcr ! fact ! — Thinks I,
Cliunkey, you must have been ;//?/////// drunk last night; that
made me sorter low-spirited like a 'oman, and my heart war
weak as water. It had commenced git tin' sorter ilai'k ; tho
wind were blowin' and groanin' through the tn-es and rivers,
and the black clouds were ilyin', and 1 war goin' along sorter
oiieasy juid cross-grained, when a j^cnfer gelled out, cluae to met
1 turned with my gun cocked, but eouldent see it ; presently I
licarn it again, and out it come, and then another! '' Is that
you 'i " said I, takin' a crack and missin' to a sartainty ; and
away they darted through the cane. 1 drap'd my \\\\\\ to load,
aud by the great Jackson, there warn't a full load of powder in
my g(jurd 1 — I loaded mifjhfy carefully, and started on to pick
out some holler tree to sleep in. Every once and awhile I'd
git a glimpse of the pouters on my trail. " Tanters," says I,
'• I'll make a child's barg;iin with you ; if you will let me alone,
you may (jolong ; — and if you don't, here's a ball into the liead of
one of ye'er, and this knife ! "— //?^s•//, if my knife warn't gone, I
wish I may never taste bar's meat ? i raised my arm, trim-

sno

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

b1iir like a leaf, and snvs T, " .T(Mn ! — Til lave your onrlf !''
A\M1, I war in troi'lilo sure! --I thought I Avar ou the Tcludca
licta Lalx'r, and v^itrhod.

AV\'i! I (lid! Oh, you may Inrpli, but j 1st ima<:;in' yonnr\j'
lost in the cane on Sky Lake, (the cane on Sky Lake is some -
thirty miles long, IVoin one to tlirce miles wide, thick as Ihc \\\\v
on a dog's back, and about thirty feet hiijh !) out oflicker, out
of powder, you." knife gone, tiie ground kivercdwith snow, you
very hungry and tired, and two 'panfcrsfolleriri' your trail, and
you'd tliink you was bewitched too!

AV^ell, here tliey come, never lettin' on, but makin' ar-
rangements to have my skalp that night; I never lettin' on,
but detannin'd they shouldent. The har had been standin' on
my head for more i.or an hour, and th.e sweat were gist roUin'
off me, and that satislied me a fight war a brewin' atwcen me
and the panters ! I stopped two or three times, thinkin' tliey's
gone, but presently hear they'd come, creepin' along throu^li
the cane, and soon as th.c^ 'd sec me they stop, lay down, roll
over and twirl their tails about like kittens ])]ayiii' ; I'd then
shout, shake the cane, and away they'd go. Oh, they thought
they had nie ! In coarse tlieu did, and 1 detarn ined with my-
self, if they did, let n/r r/o, if they diddent atta(dv an onarnicl
man, alone and lost, wiHiout lieker, dogs, povider, or knife, that
the vei'v fust time I got a panter up a tree, with my whole
puek at the roc\;, my lieker gourd full, and I half full, my
twelve-to-the-pound-yager loaded, and my knife in shavin' order,
I'd let Jiim go ! A^es, '//.v;?'^ niaulrey if I diddent !

But what did they care? They'd no more feelin' than a
pine-stump ! I know'd it wouhhlent do to risk a fight in the
cane, and pushed on to find an open place whar 1 could make
sure of my one load, and rely on my gun barrel arter. T soon
found a ])ia(-e v.'har the caue drifted, and tliar 1 determined to
stand ana fight it oui ' Presently here they come ; and if a
stranger had seen 'rni, he'd a thought they were playiu' !
They'd juiup and sre.at, and bend their backs, lay down and
roll, and grin like pnpoys ; — they kept yittiii' nearer and nearer,
and it wer gettin' dark, and I know'd I nnist let drive at the
old he, 'afore it got so dark I coulddent see my sights ; so 1 ji>t
dropped on one knee to make sure, and when I raised my gun,
I were all in a trimble ! 1 know'd that woulddent do, i^nd
o'is !

"T'ou are witched, Chunkey, sri'e and sartin','* said T.
Arter bracin' myself, I raised up agin and J! red ■ One on 'em
S[trung into the air and gin a yell, and the other bounded io-
wavds me like a strealc ! Lightin' close t j me, it sijuaUed lo

ir inrlf ! "
le TcJiuh- a

n' ifounr^l'
i is some -
as l!ie !i.!i'
lickcr, out
snow, you
I' irail, ;iud

n;ikin' ar-
' lettiii' on,
slfindiii' on
irist roUin''
jitwccn mo
ikin' ll ley's
)iig throuL;li
r down, roll
' ; i'd then
ley thought
?d witli niy-
m onarnied
• kniie, that
1 my \\\\()V'
ilf full, my
avin' order,

'lin' than a

|lii:;ht m the

■otdd niah'e

>r. T soon

;ermined to

; and if a
|re pi ay in' !

down and

\and nearer,

drive at the

s; w^ lji>t

led my gun,

'Ut do, LtUd

said I.

ine on 'em

)ounded lo-

Isqualted lo

TRAIT«* OF x\MEliIC.VN IIUMOUK.

207

\\\e ground and commenced tree)>in' towards mo — its years laid
haek, its eyes taruin' green, und sorter swiunnin' rouml like,
and the end of it^ tail twistiu' like a snake. 1 felt light as ;i
cork, and strong as a bull'alo. I seen her commence slippin'
]ier legs \nider her, and kne'./ she were gwine to si)ring. I
throw'd back my gun to gin it to her, as she come; the liek I
aimed at her head struck across the shoulders and back without
doing any \\fxv\i\,and she had iitc ! — liip, rip, rip — and 'way v>ent
my blanket, coat, and britehes. IShe sunk her teeih into my
H'loulder, her green eyes were close to mine, and the froth from
her mouth were llyin' in my face!! Moses! how fast she did
ilght! I felt the warm blood runnin' down my hide — 1 seen
she were arter in// thi-oat! and wilh that I grabbed hcni, and
commenced pourin' it into lier side with my ih->l, like cats-a-
lightin! — Kip, rip, she'd take mv, — dill', slam, bang, I'd gin it
to her — she ilghtin' for her su/jjier, 1 tii^htin' for my /ife ! Why,
111 course it war an one([ual iigiit, but slie ris it ! AVell, we had
it round and round, sometimes one, and then yother on top,
fche a growliii' and I a gruntin'! We had both commenced
gittin' mighty tired, and presently she made a spriuij;, Iri/iit lo
i/it awai/ ! Arter tluit tliar wan't no mortal chance for her!

tause w
iayiu'

hy, si

le were wlnnue

U Soi'Lc

Lcr

\i tliiukui' abouD

" Xow I lay me d'.wn to sk'cp,

but I know'd if I commenced it woi.ld put her in heart, and
siie'd riddle me in a minit, and when shr hollered naff. 1 wcrt;
glad to my shoe soles, and had sich coniidence in wluppin' the
tight, that I ojpe'i'ed two to one on C'lnnliei/, but no takers!

'"Oh, ho!" says I, p hittin' her a lick every time 1 spoke,
'•you are williii' to quit even and aivide stakes, are you? " and
then round and round we went agin! You could have hearn
us blow a quarter, but presently she made a liy stnKjijle and
lu'oke my hold ! I fell one way, and she the other ! She darted
into the cane, and that's the last time I ever hearn of tiiat
punter ! ! I

AV^hen I sorter come to myself, I war struttiu' and fhunderin'
like a biff he-jjobler, and then I commenced examinin' to see
what harm she'd done me; I war bit powerful bad in the
slioidder and arm — -jist look at them scars ! — and 1 were cut
into solid whip-strings; but when I found thar warn't no
danger of its IciUiii' ine, I set iu to braggin'. " Oh, you ain't
dead yet, Chunkey!" says I, "if you are sorter wusted, and
have wdiipped a jianter in a i'air fight, and no gougiu'j" uud
then 1 cock a doodle doud a spell, for joy I

238

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

When I looked round, thar sot the old he, a lickln' tlio
blood from his breast! I'd sliot liiiii riijjlit through tlie breast,
but sorter slantiiidickler, breakin' his siioidder blade in a per-
fect smash. I walked up to hi in :

"Howdy, panter? how do you do? how is misses panter,
and the little paiiters? how is your cou'^ariis in f^ineral ? Did
you ever hearu tell of the man tlu>y calls ' Chunkey ?' born iu
Kaintuck and raised in i\liHsissi[)pi ? deatli on a bar, and
smartly in a panter flight P If you diddent, look, for Fm lie !
I kills bars, whips panters in a fair fight; I walks the water, 1
out-bellars the thunder, and when I gets hot the Mississippi
hides itself! 1 — 1 — Oh, you thought you had me. did you?--
(h'ot you! But you are a gone sucker now. I'll have your
melt, if I never gits lionie, so —

" Lo(jk out, Capting! here's the place! make the skift fa-t
to tliat Cyprus log. Take care them oars, Abe ! Spring out
and oncupple the dogs, and take car they don't knock {liciu
guns overboard. JN'ow, Capting, we will have a deer moviii'
afore you can say — Chunkey."

XLA^III.

A BULLY BOAT, AXn A BRAG CAPTAIN.

A STOKY OF 1?TEA3I-B0AT LIFE ON THE JHSSISSirPI.

Does any one remember the ' Caravan ? ' She was wliat
would now be considered a slow boat ; then (1S27) she was re-
gularly advertised as the "fast-running," &c. Her regular
ti'ips from New Orleans to Natch.e/. were usually made in from
six to eight days ; a trip made by her in five days was con-
sidennl remarkable. A Noyage from New Orleans to A^icksburi:
and back, including stop[)ages, gcMKM'ally entitled the ofUcers
and crow to a month's wages. Whotlier tl\e ' Caravan ' ever
achieved the feat of a voyage to the Falls (Louisville), I have
never learned ; if she did, she must have ' had a time of it ! "

It \\as my fate to take passage in this boat. Tiie captain
Avas a good-iuitured, easy-going man, careful of the comfort ot'
his ])assengers, and exceedingly fond of the r/^wi? ofhray. AVc
had been out a little more than five days, and we were in hopes
of seeing the blurt's of Natchez on the next day. Our wood was
getting low, and night coming on. The pilot on duty above (the

lik(

TEAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUli.

2)39

lic'kin' tlio
tlie breast,
3 in a per-

ses panter,
.M-al? Did
?' born iiL
a bar, and
tor Fm he !
\\c water. 1
]Misr^-issi[>|)i
did you ?- -
. have your

!)0 skift fa-^t

Sprinj^ (ii;t

,<ii()cdc tliciii

deer movm'

•ri.

|e was wliat
she was rr-
ler regular
ade in i'njiii
^'s was con-
b A^icksbin"_:
the oilieei's
ravan ' evt'i'

lilk'), I li:^^'^'
ne ot'it ! "
riie captain
1^ couitbrt <U
'braf/. AVo
ve in hopes
r wood n-;H
k' abuve (the

other pilot hekl tlireeaces at the time, and was just calling: out
the oai)tain, who "went it stroiu;" on tliree kin^s) sent down
word that tlie mate had reported the stock of wood reduced to
half a cord. The worthy captain excused himself to tlie pilot,
whose watch was below, and the two passengers who made up
the party, and hurried to the deck, where he S'loon discovered, by
the landmarks, that we were about half a mile from a wood-
yard, which he said was situated " right round yonder point."

" But," muttered the captain, " 1 don't much like to tai<o
wood of the yellow-faced old scoundrel who owns it ; he always
charges a quarter of a dollar more than any one else ; however,
there's no ^ther chance."

The boau was pushed to her utmost, and, in a little less thnu
an hour, when our fuel was about giving out, we made the
point, and our cables were out and fastened to trees, alongside
of a good-sized wood-pile.

" Hollo, Colonel ! how d'ye sell vour wood this time ? "

A yellow-faced old gentleman, with a two-weeks' beard,
strings over his shoulders holding up to his arm-pits a pair of
copperas-coloured, linsey-woolsey pants, the legs of which
reached a very little below the knee, shoes without stockings, a
faded, broad-brimmed hat, which had once been black, and a
])ipe in his mouth, casting a glance at the empty guards of our
lioat, and uttering a grunt as she rose from fastening our
'• spring-line," answered :

"■ Wiiy, Capting, we must charge you three and a quarto'
Tins timey

" The d — 1 ! " replied the Captain, (captains did swear a
little in those days); "what's the odd quarter ^ov, I shoulil
like to know ? You only charged me three as I went dow n."

"Why, Capting," drawled out the wood-merchant, with n
port of leer on his yellow countenance, which clearly indicated
that his wood was as good as sold, " wood's riz since you went
down two weeks ago ; besides you are awar' that you very
seldom stop going doicn ; when you're gonig up, you're some-
times obleeged to give me a call, becaz.e the current's against
vou, and there's no other wood-vard for nine miles ahead ; and
if U)U happen to be nearly out of fooel, why — "

" AVell, well," interrupted the Captain, "we'll take a few
cords, under the circiunstances," and he returned to his game
of brag.

In about half an hour, we felt the ' Caravan ' commence
paddling again. Supper was over, and I retired to my up])er
iH'rth, situated alongside, and overhMiking the hrag-rai)h'. a\ here
the Captain was deeply engaged, having now the other pilot as

210

TRATTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ills principal opponent. We jogged on quietly, and seemed to
be going at a good rate.

" How does the wood burn ? " inquired the Captain of tlij
mate, w ho ^vas looking on at tlie game.

" 'Tisn't of nuic'li account, I reckon," answered the mate;
"it's cotton-wood, and most of it green at tliat — "

" AN^'ll, Thompson — (three aces again, stranger. I'll take
l]iat X and tlie small change, if you please — it's your deal) —
Thompson, I say, we'd better take three or four cords at tlio
r.cxt wood-yard; it can't be more than six miles from here;
(two aces and a bragger, with the ace ! hand over those A's.) "

The game went on, and the paddles kept moving. At eleven
o'clock it was reported to the Captain that we were nearing the
wood-yard, the light being distinctly seen by the pilot on duty.

" Head her in shore, then, and take in six cords, if it's

good. See to it, Thompscm ; I can't very well leave tlio

;ame now ; it's getting right warm ! This pilot's beating us all

to Fmash

The v.'ooding completed, we paddled on again. The Captain
seemed somewhat vexed whe;i the mate informed hin\ tliat the
]UMce was the same as at the last wood-yard, three and a quarter ;
but soon again became ijiterested in the game.

From my np])er berth (there was no state-rooms then) I
could observe the movements of the players. All the contention
apj)eared to be betv.een the captain and the pilots (the latter
ne-sonaires took it turn and turn about, steerint; and i)lavintr
brag), one of thein almost invariably winning, while the two
passengers merely went through the ceremony of dealing, cut-
ting, and paying up their " antics." They were anxious to learn,
tlic f/amc — and they did learn it ! Once in a while, indeed,
seeing they bad two aces and a bragger, they would venture a
bet of five or ten dollars; but they were always compelled to
back out before the tremendous bragging of the captain or pilot ;
oi' if they did venture to "call out" on "two bullits and a
bra.uger," they had the mortification to find one of tlie oilicer.s
bad the same kind of a hand, and were more venerable / iStill,
with all these disadvantages, they continued playing — they
wanted to learn the game.

At two o'clock the Captain asked the mate bow we were
getting on.

"Oh, pretty glibly. Sir!" replied the mate; "we can
scarcely tell what headway we are making, for we are obliged
to kee[) the middle of the river, and there is the shadow of a
fog rising. This wood seems rather better than that we took
in at old yellow-face's, but we're nearly out again, and must

j-'^

TRAITS OF A:\IEliICAN IlUMOUil.

?1L

seemed to

;ai!i of the

the mate ;

I'll take
lur deal) —
jrds at the
from here ;
tiose Ys.) "

At eleven
learing the
ot on duty.
)rds, if it's

leave the
ating us all

?he Captain
im that the
la quarter ;

ras ill en) I

^ contention

(the latter

ud playing

tie the two

ealing, eut-

U13 to Icni'ji

lile, indeed,

Id venture a

)mpe1]ed to

tin or pilot;

illits and a

I the oilu-ers

)le ! Still,

|ug — they

we were

" we can

ire obliged

liadow of a

lit we took

and must

]}e looking for more. I saw a light just ahead on the right —
whallwe hail?"

"Yea, yea," replied the Captain; "ring the hell, aiul ask
\'m what's the prieo of wood up hero. I've got you again ;
here's double kings,"

I heard the bell and the pilot's hail :

" What's jjour ])riee for wood ? "

A youthful voice on the shore answered :

"Three and a quarter! "

"Hollo!" ejaculated the Captain, who liad just lost tlio
.price of two (loniA to the pilot, tiie strangeivs butl'ering some at
the same time, "three and a (piarter again! Are we never to
get to a cheaper country ? Deal, ISir, if you please — better luck
i.ext time."

The other pilot's voice was again heard on deck :

" How much have you ? "

" Only about ten cords, Sir," was the reply of the youthful
salesman.

The Captain hero told Thompson to take six cords, which
would last till dayliglit, and again turned his attention to tho
game.

The pilots here changed places. When did tliejj sleep ?
VVood taken in, the ' Caravan ' again took her place in the
iMiddle of the stream, paddling on aa usual. Day at length
<!awned, the brag-party broke up, and settlements were being
usade, during wliicii operation the Captain's bragging propen-
sities were exercised in cracking up the speed of his boat, which,
by his reckoning, must have made at least sixty miles, and
A\ ould have made nuuiy more if he could have procured good
v.ood. It appears the two passengers, in their first lesson, had
iiicidentally lost one hundred and twenty dollars. The Captain,
a.s he rose to see about taking in some good wood, which he
ielt sure of obtaining, now he had got above the level country,
V,- inked at his op]ionent, the pilot, with whom he had been on
vrry bad terms during the progress of tho game, and said, in.
au under tone,

" Forty a-piece for you, and I, and James (the other pilot)
is not bad for one night."

I had risen, and went out with the Captain, to enjoy a view
of the bluliS. There was just fog enough to prevent the vision
taking in more than sixty yards, so I was disappointed in my
expectation. AVe were ncariug the shore for the pin'pose of
looking for wood, the banks 'being invisible from the middle of
tiie river.

" There it is ! " exclaimed the Captain ; " stop her ! "

TliAlTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Din;^, ding, ding! \vont the big bell, and the Captain,
hailed :

'• l!(dlo ! tlio wood-yard ! "

"Hollo, yourself!" answered a squeaking female voice,
which came from a woman with a pt:tticoat over her shoulders
iu plac(! of a sliawl.

" AViiat's the price of wood ? "

"I thinlv you ought to know tlio price by this time," an-
swered the old lady in the petticoat ; " it's three and a qua-r-ter !
and now you know it."

" Three and tlie d — 1 ! " broke in the Captain ; " what, liave
you raised on your wood too ? I'll give you three, and not ;i
cent more."

" Weil," replied the petticoat, "here comes the old man,
lioll talk to you."

And, sure enough, out crept from the cottage the . cri^ible
laded hat, copperas-coloured pants, yellow countenance, and
two weeks' beard we ])ad seen the night before, and the same
voice we had heard regulating the price of cottor-wood, squealv-
ed out tiie following sentence, accompanied by the same leer of
the same yellow countenance :

" Why, darn it all, Capting ! there is but three or four cords
left, and dnce Ws you, I don't care if I do let you have it for
ihrcc, as you'' re a good customer I "

After a quick glance at tlic landmarks around, the Captain
bolted, and turned in to take some rest. The fact became aj)-
parent: the reader will probably have discovered it some time
jrince, that wg had been wooding all night at the same wood-
yard !

XLIX.

TYDGET FYXIXGTON.

Tjte doctrine, tliat " all is for the best," though cherished
in the abstract, is but little practised. The world is much more
addicted to its opposite. "All's for the worst " is a very com-
mon motto, and under its influence there are thousands who
growl when they go to bed, and growl still louder when they
get up; they growl at their breakfast, they giowl at their din-
ner, they growl at their supper, and they growl between meals.
Discontent is written in every feature of their visage ; and tiiey

]ng

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

213

I^ap'cain

voice,
louldt-'i's

ne," aii-
la-r-ter !

lat, have
id iiut ii

lid man,

nee, and
the same
[, squeak-
iie leer of

our cords
ave it tor

Captain
icame ap-
lome time
me wood-

clierislu'd
luch nior<>
[very corn-
lands wlio
Ivhen tiiey
1 their din-
^en meals.
and tiiey

\fO on from the beijjinnint; of life until its close, always c^rowlinuf,
in the hope of making things better by scaring thetu into it
Avitli ugly noises.

The active grnmhletonians are a very different race of
mortals from the ])assive.-;. The world is largely indebted to
them for every comfort and convenience with which it abounds ;
and they laugh at the in([uiry whether their exertions have con-
duced to the general ha])pines3, holding it Lhat ha])i)iuesa con-
sists ehielly in exertion — to which the passives demur, as they
look back with no little regret to tlu; lazy days of pastoral life,
when Clialdean shepherds lounged upon the grass. Tlie actives
are very much inclined to believe that whatever is, is wr^jiig;
but tlien they have as an otfset the comfortable conviction
tliat they are able to set it right — an opinion whicii fire cannot
melt out of tliem. These restless fellows are in a vast majority ;
and hence it is that the surface of this earthly sphere is such ii
sc^ne of activity ; hence it is tiiat for so many tlioiisand years,
tin greater part of each generation has been unceasingly em-
ployed in labour and bustle ; rushing from place to place ;
hammering, sawing, and driving; liewing down and piling up
mountains ; and unappaUed, meeting disease and death, both
by sea and land.

The passive grumbletonian is useless to himself and to
others : the active grumbletonian is just the reverse. In
general, he combines individual advancement with public pros-
perity ; but there are exceptions even in that class — men, who
try to take so nuich care of the world that they forget them-
selves, and of course fail in their intent.

Such a man is Fydget Fyxington, an amelioration-of-the-
human-race-by-starting-from-first-principles-philosopher. i'yd-
get's abstract principle, particularly in matters of government
and of morals, is doubtless a sound rule ; but he looks so much
at the beginning that he i\arely arrives at the end, and when he
advances at all, he marches biickwaid, his face being directed
towards the starting-place instead of the goal. By tliis means
he may perhaps plough a straight furrow, but instead of curvuig
round obstructio is, he is very apt to be thrown down by them.

*. j^ 4t 4e. 4^ ^u.

•7P <^ "A* TT 'A*

Winter ruled the hour when Eydget Fy^^'^o^on was last
observed to be in circulation — winter, when men w-ear their
hands in their pockets and seldom straighten their backs — a
season however which, though iBharp and biting in its temper,
lias redeeming traits. Tliere is someth-'ng peculiarly exhihu'at-
ing in the sight of new-falh.'n snow. Tiie storm which brings
it is not wit'.iout a charm. The graceful eddying of the drifts

214

TRAITS OF AMEIilCAN IIUJIOUK.

^^ported with by tlio \vlnd, and the silent j^lidiiiL'^ofllM* fonfhery
hakes, as one by one they settle upon the earth like iairy erea-
1 iirey dropping to repose, have a soothing inlluenee not eaHily
(leycribed, though doubtless I'eltby all. ihit when the clouds,
having performed their olilco, roll a\vay, and the brightness ot*
the morning sun beams upon an exi)ai'.so of sparkling unsullied
whiteness ; when all that ise(nnmon-])hiee, coarse, and unpleas-
ant in a8j)ect, is veiled fo^* the time, and made to wear a fresh
and dazzling garb, new animation is felt by the spirit. The
young grow riotous with joy, and their merry voices ring like
i)(!lla through tlu^ clear and bracij^gair : - .Ihlc the remembrance
<jf earlier ys gives a yont]>rul . i;-u] ■. o i.\e .aged heart.

But to all this there is a sad r«"ior«"^. The resolution of
Ihese enchantments into theii ori; i5;d c ments by means of a
thaw, is a necessary, but, it must b.; con.\ ''^d, a very doleful
process, fruitful in gloom, rheum, inilammatioiis, and levers — a
process which gives additional pangs to the melancholic, and
causes valour's self to droop like unstarched muslin.

Such a time was it when Fydgefc was extant — a floppy time
in January. The city, it is true, was clothed in snow, rusty
and forlorn in aspect, and weeping, as if in sorrow that its
original purity had become soiled, stained, and spotted by con-
tact with the world, its whiteness had in a measure disap-
peared, by the pressure of human footsteps ; wheels and run-
ners had almost incorporated it with the common earth ; and,
where these had failed in ellectually doing the worlc, remorse-
less distributers of ashes, coal dust, and potato peelings, had
lent their aid to give unilbrmity to the dingy hue jiut the
snow, " weeping its spirit from its eyes," and its body too, was
fast escaping from these multiplied oppressions and contume-
lies. Large and heavy droi)s splashed from the eaves ; sluggish
streams rolled lazily from the alleys, and the gutters and cross-
ings formed vast shallow lakes, variegated by glaciers and ice
islands. They who roamed abroad at this unpropitious time,
could be heard approaching by the damp sucking sound wluch
emanated from their boots, as they alt:ernately pumped in and
pumped out the water in their progress, and it was thus that
our hero travelled, having no caoutcliouc health-preservers to
shield his pedals from unwholesome contact.

The shades of evening were beginning to thicken, when
Fydget stopped shiveringly and looked through the glass door
of a fashionable hotel — the blazing fire and the numerous lights,
by the force of contrast, made an outside seat still more uncom-
fortable.

The gong pealed out that tea was ready, and the lodgers

b
t

tea
K'd

lilS

i:l;

eathery
ry crca-
)t enrtily
) cloudt*,^
itnt'HS of
msullied
unpU'fis-
r a fresh
•it. Tlio
ring Uk«
Muuranco
Dart.

lution of
leans of a
[•y doleful
ieverri — a
hoiic, aud

,oppy time
low, rusty
w that its
cd by eon-
ure disap-
3 aud run-
artb ; and,
c, reniorse-
'hngs, liad
]3ut tlie
ly too, was
' contume-
; shiggish
and cross-
TS and ice
litious time,
jund wluch
ped in and
.s thus that
'eservers to

Ickeu, when
le glass door
Icrous lights,
liore uncoui-

the lodgers

TRAITS OP A^IF.RTCAN HUMOUR.

215

ru.Oied fr^m the stoves to comfort themselves witli that exhilar-
aLing lluid.

'•TJiere they go on first principles," 8aidFy(lg(>t Tyxington
^vith ji sigh.

" Cla' de ' itehen da'," snid one of those ultra-aristocratic
luemhers of. 'ict"^ a U' gro wailtr, as lie hustled ])ast the con-
templative ])hi;oi-'.)pher and entered tlie hotel *'you ought to
he gwang luc e to suppa', ole soul, if you got some — yaugh —
Avaugli ! "

• Suppa'. you nigga' ! " co7T(cmptuously responded Fydgot,
{t.^ Liio aooi.' closed, " 1 SMrdi i n'as gwang home to suppa', but
s.nin])er3 are u sort of thing I remember a good deal oftener
than i see. Everything is wrong — such a wandering from
ilr.st ])rinciplo3 ! — tiiere must bo enough in this world for us all,
or we Avouldn t be Iutc ; but things is ilxed so badly that I
s'pose some greenly rascal gets my share of suppa' and other
such elegant luxuries. It's just the way of the world ; there's
plenty of shares of everv thing, but somehow or other there
are folks that lay their lingers on two or three shares, and
sometimes more, according as they get a chance, and the real
owners, like me, may go wiiistJe. They've lixed it so that if
you go back to ilrst ])rinciples aud try to bone what belongs to
you, they pack you riglit olf to j;m1, 'cause you can't ])rove pro-
j)erty. Eu pty stummicks aud old cloLhcfj ain't good evidence
Jn court.

" What tr.e dense is to become of me! Something must —
and 1 wish it \vould be quick and hurra about it. My clothes
are getting to bo too much of tiie summer-house order for the
winter fashions. People will soon see too nmch of me — not
that 1 care much about looks mvself, but bovs is bovs, and all
boys is sassy. Since the weather's been chilly, when I turn
the corjier to go up town, i feel as if the house had too many
windows and doors, and I'm almost blow'd out of my coat and
pants. The fact is, I don't get enough to eat to serve for
ballast."

After a melancholy pause, Pydget, seeing the coast tolerably
clear, walked in to warm himself at the fire in the bar-room,
near which he stood with great composure, at the same time
emptying several glas.ses of comfortal)le compounds which had
been lel't partly filled by the lodgers when they hurri;'d to their
tea. liiiihtinga cigar which he found half smoked i;oon the
ledge of the stove, he seated himself and puffed away much at
his ease.

The inmates of the hotci began to return to the room,
glancing suspiciously at Fydget's tattered integuments, and

i!ia

TRAITS OF AMKIJICAN Ill'MOirR.

(Imwinf; llicir cliairs away i'rom him aa llioy sat down near tlio
bLove. J''v'|L!;c't looked uiicoiisciouH, einittinj; voIuhu^h of winoko,
and knockiujj; oil' tho ashes with a nonchalant and bciontific
air.

" TJad weather," said Brown.

"I've noticed tliat the weather ia frequently bad in winter,
cspeeially ;ibont the middle of it, and at both ends, added (Jreeu.
'• i keep a memorandum book on the subject, and can't be mid-
lakcn."

'* It's raining now," said G-rifTinhofr, " what's tlio use of tliafc
when it's so wet under foot already ? "

"It very frequently rains at the close of a thaw, and it's
beneficial to thi; umbrella makers," responded Green.

" A'othin's lixed nohow,'' said Fydget, with great energy —
for he was tired of lisli iiimr.

J^rown, (Jreen, Crilllnhon', and the rest started and stared.

"Notiiin's fixed nohow," continued lVd^et,rejoicini; in tho
fact of haviu'i^ hearer:; ; " our granddads must a been lazy ras-
cals. "Why didn't they roof over the side walks, and not leave
ev(M'ything for ns to do ? I ain't jL;ot no nnmbrell, and besides
that, wlien it comes dowji as if raining was no ]ianie fur it, as
it always does v/heii I'm cotch'd out, numbrells is no i;reat
shakes if you've got one with you, and no shakes at all if it's
at home."

"Who's the indevidjunl ? " inquired Cameo Calliper, Esq.,
looking at Fydget through a pair of lorgnettes,

lydget returned the glance by malcmg an opera glass with
each list, and then conliiuied his remarks ; " It's a pity Ave ain't
got feathers, so's to grow our own jacket and trousers, and do
up the tailorin' business, and make our own feather-beds. It
would be a great savin' — every man his own clothes, and every
man his own feather-bed. Is'ow I've got a suggestion about
that — first principles brijjg us to the skin — fortify that, and the
matter's done. How would it do to bile a big kittle full of
tar, tallow, beeswax and injen rubber, with considerable wool,
and dab the whole I'amilv once a week ? The youn2: 'uns mi<iht
be soused in it every Saturday night, and the niuiier mi"ht iix
the elderly folks with a whitewash brush. Then lliere wouldn't
be no bother a washing yoiu* clothes or yourself, which last is
an invention of the doctor to make people sick, because it lets
in the cold in winter and the heat in sunnner, when natur' says
shut up the porouses and keep 'em out. Besides, when the
new invention was tore at the knees or wore at the elbows, just
tell the nigger to put on the kittle and give you a dab, and
you're patched ijlick — and so that whole mobs of people

TKAITS OF AMEIUCAN IIUMUUU.

217

Ci\V tllG

;ieiiti{ic

winter,

bo luid-

of thiit

and it's

Qcrgy

stared.
<; in the
iizy ras-
10 1/ leave
[ besides
or it, as
lo :;reat
ill it* it's

er, Esq.,

ass with
we ain't

and do
leds. It
id every
)n about

and the
e full ot
)le wool,
us mij^lit
ni2;ht tix
wouldn't
:h last is
se it lets
.tur' says
/hen tlie
ows, just
dab, and
i" people

niiLchtn't stick tocjether like fi^s, a little aperrils of turpentino
<;r litharage might be added to make 'eiu dry like a liouc;e-a-
lire."

"If that fellow don't go away, I'll hurt hiiu," said Gndiu-
]n)i? soffo voce.

"Wiieru'a a waiter? " inquired Cameo Calliper, edging oil*
in alarm,

"He's crazy," said Green. " I was at the hospital once, and
there was a man in the i)lac(^ who — "

"'Twould be nice for sojurs," added I'yxington, as lie threw
away his stump, and very deUberatcly vcaclicd over ami hel|)ed
himself to a \\v^\\ cigar, from a number wiiich 31r (ireen had
just brought from tlie bar and held in his hand — "I'll ironbio
you for a littlo of your lire," continued he, taking the cigar
from the mouth of jNfr Green, and after o1)taining a light, again
placing the borrowed Jlabana within t])e lips (jf that worthy
Jndivi(kial, who sat stupilied at tlu; aiulacity of the supposed
riianiac. Fydget gave the conventional grin of thanks peculiar
to such occasions, and with a graceful wave of his hand, r.'-
sumed the thread of Ids lecture: "'Twould ho nice for sojers.
►Stand 'em all of a row, and whitewasli 'em blue or red, accord-
r.\[i' to ])atli.'rn, as if they were a fence, Tlie giu'i-als mii;!'.!}
l(j()k on to see if it was done according to Gunter; tiio cap'ins
might ilourish the brush, and the corpulars carry the bucket.
Dandies could iix themselves all sorts of streaked and all sorl;^
of colours. AVhen the parterials is cheap and the making don't
cost nothing, that's what L call econouiy, and coming as near
as possible to llrst principles. It's a better way, too, of keeping
out the rain, than my t'other plan of Hogging people wheu
they're young, to make their hides hard and waterproof, A
good licking is a sound first principle for juveniles, but they've
got a prejudice agin it."

*' Waiter ! " cried Cameo Calliper.

" Sa ! "

" liemovethe incumbent — expose him to the atmosphere ! "

"If you hadn't said that, i'd wopped him," observed
Grilfinhoif.

" Accordin' to first principles, I've as good a right to be Iicro
as anybody," remarked I'ydget, indignantly,

" Cut you' stick, 'cumbeiit — take you'sef off, trash ! " said
the waiter, keeping at a respectful distance,

"Don't come near me, JSip," growled Fy^l^*-^^' doubling hi-<
fist — " don't come near me, or I'll develope a iirst principle
ami 'lucidate a simple idea fur you — I'll give you a touch of
uutur' without no gloves on — but I'll not stay, though I've a

12 IS

'JL'AITS or AMi:UI(JAN lIi;Mni;j{.

clear riglit to do it, unless you arc al)lo — yea, sns.^y, fiMo! — to
put me out. Jf tluTo is nnythiiii^ 1 Bcorna it'n prt-judice, and
tliia rooin's so I'ull of it and !-mol;o tot'ctliur that 1 won't stay.
Your cigar, Sir," added Fydgi'l, tossiii;j; the sUuup to Mr Green
aud reliriiiii; nlowly.

"That I'eMow'.s bra/cii enoup;h to rolleft militia fines," paid
Blown, "and no thin and bf)iiy, tliat it pasled over with whit(!
paper, and rip;ged athwart bhipd, hu'd maiie u pretty good bigu
lor an oyster eclhir."

The rest of the company lancjhod nervously, as if not per-
fectly sure that Tydget waa out of hearing.

* itj # * * *

" The world's full of it — notliin' but projudieo. I'm always
pcrved the fame way, and though I've so much to do planniii;^
the world's good I can't attend to my own businc-^s, it not only
v.'in't suppoi't nie, but it treats nio with despise and unboeomin;.;;
frcedery. JN'ow, I was used sinful about my universal language,
■which everybody can understand, which makes no noise, and
wiiich don't convolve no wear and tear of the tongue. It's tlio
patent anti-fatigue-anti-eonsumption omnibus linguister, to be
tiono by winking and blinking, and cocking your eye, the way
tViii cat-fislu's make Fourth of July orations. I was going to
have it introduced in Congress, to save the expense of anchovies
and more porter; but t'other day I tried it on a feller in thn
street; 1 danced right up to him, and began cana^uvering my
daylights to ask hiui what o'clock it was, and I'm blowed if In;
didn't swear I was crazy, up fist and stop debate, by putting it
to me right atwecii the eyes, so that I've been pretty well
bung'd up about the peepers ever since, by a feller too who
couldn't understand a simple idea. That was w^orse than the kick
II feller gave me in market, because 'cording to ilrst principles 1
put a buliowney sassinger into my pocket, and diu'.'t pay for it.
The 'riginal law, which you may see in chiUlren, says when you
ain't got no money, the next best thing is to grab and run. 1
did grab and run, but he grabb'd me, aud 1 had to trot back agin,
which always hurts my feelin's and stops the march of mind.
He wouldn't hear me 'lucidate the simple idea, and the way he
hauled out the sassinger, and lent me the loan of his loot, was
werrv sewere. It was uusatistactorv and discombobberative,
and made me wish I could find out the hurtin' principle and
have it 'radicated."

Carriages were driving up to the door of a house brilliantly
illuminated in one of the fasiiionable streets, and the music
which pealed from within intimated that the merry dance was
on foot.

Mp!— to
lii'c, and
n't stay.
Lr Grceii

OS," pnid
th uliitc!
;ood isigu

not per-

m alwfiyj
planning;
; not only
bocomin:;
ln!i<;ua<j;»',
loisc, and

. It'stlK'

iter, to b(^
«, the way
i goini; to
ancliovic.s
lor in thft
'erinf; my
•wed if lu!
putting it
retty well
too who
^n the kick
ruicipkn^ I
T)ay for it.
when you
1 run. i
back agin,
of mind,
le way he
foot, was
ibberative,
uciple and

brilliantly
the music
dance was

TKAITS OF AMEHirAX TIL'MOIJR.

219

" T'm goin' in," said Fydgot — " I'm not afcard — if wo go
on lirnt principles \\c ain't afeard of nolhin', and since tliey'vo
nionopolized my sheer of fnn, they can't do less than give mo a
phi>ii)lastor to iio away. !My jackefrt »o wet with the rain, if 1
don't get dry I'll be sewed up and bav(» hie jar/i-rf wvoic atop of
me, wliich means dcfuucted of toggery not impreviouH to water.
In J

go.

In accordance with this design, lie watched Ida opportunity
and slipped (piietiy into the gay mansion. Helping himself
liberally to refrealnuents left in the hall, he looked iu upon the
dancers,

" AVho-o-ip ! " shouted I'Vdget 3*\xington, forgetting him-
self in the exciienient of the scene — '• Who-o-ip! " added iie,aa
he danced forward with pM'odigious vigour and activity, ilour-
ishinir the eatables with which his handa were crammed, r.s if
thoy were a pair of cynd)als — " AVhurro-o-o ! plank it down —
that's your sore ! — make yourselves merry, gals and boys — it's
all accordin' to iirst [)rinciples — whoo-o-o-ya — whoop ! — it
takes us ! "

Direful was the screaming at this formidable apparition —
tlie tiddles ceased — the waltzers dropped their panting burdens,
and the black band looked pale and agiiasf;.

"Who-o-o-p! go ahead! come it strong!" continued
Fydget.

iiut be was again doomed to sutler an ejectment.

"]luL4le him'out!"

*' Give us a ' Hhinjnastcr ' then — tliem's my terms."

It would not do — he was compt lied to retire sliinplastcr-
ks3 ; but it raini'd so beavily that, nothing daunted, he nuu'ched
up the alley-wa3% re-entered the house tlirough the garden, and
gliding noiselessly into the cellar, turned a large barrel over
whicl) he found there, and getting into it, went fast asleep " on
first principles."

The company had departed — the servants were assembled
in the kitchen preparatory to retiring for the night, when an
unearthly noise procecdii: "" from tlie barrel aforesaid stru(;k
upon their astonished ears.. It was Fydget snoring, and hm
hearers, screaming, lied.

liallying, however, at the ^op of the stairs, they procured
the aid of Mr Lynx, Avho watched over the nocturnal destinies
of an unlinished building in the vicinity, and who, liaving fre-
quently boasted of his valour, felt it to be a point of honour to
act bravely on this occasion. The sounds continued, and the
" investigating committee," with IMr Lynx as chairman, ad-
Aanced slowly and with many pauses.

1:50

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IPTMOUR.

Tiyrix at last liurriodly tlirust his club into tlic barrel, and
stark'd back to wait the result of the expcrimc^.

'' Ouch ! " ejaculated a voice from the iulerior, tlie word
being one not to be found in the dictionaries, but which, in
common parlance, means that a sensation too acute to be
agreeable has been excited.

"lley! — hello! — come out of that," said Lynx, as soon ns
his nerves had recovered tranquillity. " You are in a bad box,
whoever you are."

"Augh!" was the response, "no, I ain't — I'm in a bar-
rel."

" No matter," added Lynx, authoritatively ; " getting into
another man's barrel unbekuow:jst to him in the niiiht-time, is
burglary."

"That," said Fydget, putting out his head like a terrapin,
at whL.h the women shrieked and retreated, and Lynx made a
demonstration with his club — " that's because you ain't u]) to
first principles — keep your stick t)ut of my ribs — I've a plan,
so there won't be no burglary, which is this — no man have no
more thai! he can use, and all otlier men mind their own busi-
ness. Then, this 'ere barrel would be mine while I'm in it, and
you'd be asleep — that's the idea."

"It's a logo-fogic! " exclaimed Lvnx with horror — "riglit
down logo-fogie ! "

" Ah ! " screamed the servants — " a logo-fogie ! — how did
it get out ? — will it bite ? — can't you get a gun ? "

" Don't be fools — a k)go-l'ogie is a sort of a man that doii'fc
think as I do — wicked critters all such sort of people are," said
Lynx. " My lad, I'm pretty clear you're a logo-fogie — you
talk as if vour respect for me and other venerable insti'.utions
was tantamount to very little. You're a leveller I see, and
wouldn't mind knocking mo down flat as a pancake, if so be
you could run away and get out of this scrape — you're a
''^•rarium, and wo'.dd cut across the lot like a streak of iight-
ninir if vou had a chance."

'' Mr Lynx," said the lady of the house from the head of
the stairs— she had heard from one of the alfriglited maids that;
a "logo-fogie" had been "captivated," and that it could talk
"just like a human" — " Mr Lynx, don't have anything to say
to him. Take him out, and hand him over to the police. I'll
see that you are recompensed for your trouble."

" Come out, then — you're a bad chap — y^u wouldi^'c mind
voting against our side at the next election."

" We don't want elections, I tell you," said Fydget, coolly,
as he walked up-yl lirs — "I've a plan for uoing without elec-

rrcl, and

Llie word
whicli, in
:e to bo

s soon as
bad box,

in a bar-
ting into
it-time, is

, terrapin,
IX made a
in't u]) to
ve a plan,
n have no
own bnsi-
in it, and

r — " rigiit

-how did

that don't
are," said
ie — you
isti'.utions
I see, and
[?, it' so be
—you're a
k of light-

\e head of
maids that;
could talk
linsj to sav
ollce. I'll

di/t mind

yet, eooily,
Lhout eleC"

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

251

tions, and policc-ofTicer:^, and laws — every man mind hh own
business, and support me while 1 oversee him. I can iix it."

Having now arrived at tlie street, Mr Lynx held liim by
the collar, and looked about for a representative of justice to
relieve him of his prize.

"Though I feel as if I was your pa, yet you must be tried
for snoozli ng in a barrel. Besides, you've no respect for func-
tionaries, and you sort of want to cut a piece out of the com-
]iion veal by your logo-fogieism in wishing to 'bolish laws, and
poHccrs, and watchmen, whiMi my brother's one, and helps to
govern the nation when th.e j-resident, the JMayor, and tlic rest
of the day-watcli lias turned in, or are at a tea-party, i'ou'il
get into prison."

" Wti don't want prisons."

" Yes we do tliough — what's to become of functionaries if
there ain't any jn'isons ? "

This was rather a puzzling ([ucstion. Fyxiugtou paii-.'d,
and iinallv said :

" Why, I've a plan."

*• AV^iat is it, tlieii — is it logo-fogie ? "

"Yes, it upsets existing institutions," roared Fyxiugtou,
i ripping up ISlv Lynx, and ma!diig his cst-apij — tiic only one of
his plans that ever answered the purpose.

DOING A S n E 11 I F r.

A GEOItGIA SKETCH.

INfANY persons in the county of ITall, State of Georgia, re-
collect a tjueer old customer wlio used to visit the county site
regularly on "General JMuster " days and Court Week. Jlis
imiiie was Joseph Johnson, but he was univeri>ally known as
L'licle Josey. The old man, like many others of tliat and the
present day, loved his dram, and was apt, Avhen he got among
'"the boys " in town, to take more than he could conveniently
carry. Jlis inseparable companion on all such occasions was a
lilack pony, who rejoiced in the name of " General Jackson,"
aud whose diminutiveness and sagacity were alike remarkable.

On(! day, wliih' court was in session in the little village of
Oainesville, the attention of the Judge and bar was attracted

2o2

TRAITS OF A:MERTCAN HUMOUR.

by a rather unusual noise at the door. LookiiiG^ towards tlnit
-•ipertui'v', "his honour" (lisc()V(>red the aforesaid pony aiul
rider deliberately entering tlie Hall of Justice. This, owing to
tlie fact that the iloor of tlu; court house was nearly on a levt'l
with the ground, was not dilhcult,

" Mr Shcrill'," said the Judge, " see who is creating such a
(listiirl)anco of this court."

'• It's only Uncle Joscy and Gin'rel Jackson, Judge," said
the intruder, looking up with a drunken leer, "Jest me an' the
Gin'rel come to see iiow you an' the boys is gcttin' along."

" Well, Mr Sheriff,'' snid tlio Judge, totally regardless of
the int(Mrst manifi-sicd in his own. and the lawyers' ])ol\alf bv
Uncle Josey, " you will ])lease collect a fine of ten dollars from
Uncle Josey and tlie General, for corite!U])t of court."

" Look-a-here, Judge, old feller," continued Uncle Josey, as
he stroktMJ the " (rin'ral's " mane, "you don't nu'an to say it,
now do ver r" This child hain't had that niiich monov in a
coon's age, and as for the Gin'i'al heiv, I know he don't deal iii
no kind of quine, which he hain't done, 'cept fodder and corn,
for tiu'so many years."

" Very well, then, Mr SlierilT," continued his honour, "in
default of' the payment of the line, you will convey the body of
Joseph Jolmson to the county jail, tiiere to be detained for the
space of twenty-four hours."

" Now, J udge, you ain't in riglit down good yearnest, i:!
you? — Uncle Josey hain't never been put into that there
boardin' house, yet, which he don't want to be, neither," aj)-
peaied the eld man, who v,'as apparently too drunk to knov,-
whether it was a joke or not.

" The sheriff will do his duty, immediately, was the .Judge's
stern reply, who began to tire of the old man's drunken inso-
lence. Accordingly^ Uncle Josey and the " Gin'ral " were
inarched olf towards the county prison, which stood in a re-
tired part of the village. Arriving at the door, tlie prisoner
was Ci)nnnanded by .the sheriff to "light."

" Look-a-here, Jess, horse-ily, you ain't a gwine to put yep
old Uncle Josey in there, is yer ? "

" 'Bliged to do it, Uncle Josey," replied the sheriff, " ef I
don't, the old nuui (the judge) will give me f/oss when I go
back. I hate it powerful, but i must do it."

" But, Jess, couldn't you manage to let the old man git
away ? Thar ain't nobody hf.Te to see you. Now do, Jess,
you know )iow l^/it for you, in tliat last run you had 'Jong er
Jim Smith, what like to a beat you for sl.eriff, Avhich he would
a done it, if it hadn't been for ver Uncle Josev's influence."

pony aiiil
5, owing to
oa a level

in '.If such V.

,dgo," said
me an' tlic
ilong."
g.'irdless of
' boluilf by
olkirs Irom

3 Joscy, as
I to say it,
loncy in a
on't deal in
r and corn,

lonour, " ii)
the body ol"
ned tor the

voarnest, io
that theri>

ther,

ai)-

ik to kno.v

lie Judge's
mki-n inso-
'ral " were
1 in a Yc-
10 prisoner

) to put yer

lerili; "cfl
Avhen 1 go

^id man git
w do, Jet^>",
Kid 'long er
•h he would
tlueuce."

TRAITS OF AMERICAN nU.>rOUR.

253

I know that, Uncle Joscv, but thar rin't no chance. ^Iv
oath is very pinted against allowin' anybody to escape. So
you jnust go in, cos thar ain't no other chance."

" I tell you what it is, Jess, I'm at'eared to go in thar.
Looks too dark and dismal."

"Thar ain't nothing in thar to hurt you, Uncle Josey,
which thar hain't been for nigh about six months."

" Yes, thar is, Jess, you can't fool me that a-way. I know
ihar is somethin' in thar to ketch the old m.an."

" No thar ain't, 1 j)ledgo you my honour thar ain't."

"'Well, Jess, if thar ain't, you jest go in and see, iind show
Uncle Josey that you ain't a feared."

" Certainly, I ain't afeared to go in."

Saying which the sheriif opened the door, leaving the key
in the lock. "Now, Uncle Josey, what did I tell your I
know'd thar wan't nothin' in Lhar."

" May be thar ain't where you are standin', but jest le's seo
you go up into that dark place in tl;c corner."

"Well, Uncle Josey," said the unsuspecting sheriff, ''I'll
satisfy you thar ain't nothin' tliar either," and he walkc^d to-
wards the "dark corner." As he did so, the old man dexter-
ously closed the door and locked it.

" Hello ! thar," yelled the friglitcned olfuer, '• none o' yer
tricks, Uncle Josey; this is carryin' thejoko a cussed sight too
fur."

"Joke! I ain't a jokin', Jess; never was more in yearnest
in my life. Tliar ain't nothi?^' in tliar to hurt you though,
that's one consolation. Jest hold on a little while, and I'll
^;end some of the boys do\vnto let you out."

And before the " sucked in " sheriif had recovered from
liis astonishment, the pony and his master were out of hearing.

Uncle Josey, who was not as drunk as he appeared, stopped
at the grocery, took a diink, again mounted tlie Gin'ral, and
called the keeper of the grocery to him — at the same time draw-
mg the key of the jail from his pocket.

" Here, Jeems, take this here key, and ef the old man or
;iny them boys up thar at the Court-house inquires after Jess
Kunion, the sheritf, jest you give 'em this key and my compli-
ments, and tell 'em Jess is safe. Ketch 'em takin' in old Un-
cle Josey, will yer ? Git u)), Gin'ral, these boys here won't
do to trust; so we'll go into ilie country, whar people's honest
it' they is poor."

The sheriff, after an hour's imprisonment, was released, and
poverely reprimanded by the judi^e, but the sentence of Uncle
Josey was never executed, as he never troubled the Court

251

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

again, and the judaic thourrlit it useless to imprison him ^vilh
any hope of its efl'ectiiiy the slightest relbrm.

LI.

THE ^lUSCAUlNE STORY.

It was a bland September morning, in a year that need not
be specilied, that the captain, standing in view of the wesi.
door of the Court-house at Dadeville, perceived the sheriil'
emerging thereirom, a bundle of papers in liand, and looking as
if he desired to execute some soi-t of a capiat.

Tlie captain instantly betliought him that tlioro was an
indictment pending against himself for gaming, and began to
collect his energies for an emergency. The sherilf hailed hiin
at the sam(^ moment, and requested him to " hold on."

" Stop, Ellis — riijht tliar in your tracks, as the bullet said
to the buck," Suggs responded; "them dockymeiits looks
vcncrnious ! "

" No use," said the officer — " sooner or later you must be
taken ; dog-face Billy Towns is here, and he'll go your se-
curity."

"Keep off, 1 tell yoy, Ellis; I ain't safe to-day — the old
woman's coifee was cold this mornin', and it fretted me. If
you've got anything agin me, keep it 'till Court — I'll be thar —
' waive all formalities,' you know ! "

"I will waive nothing," replied the sheriff, advancing: "I'll
put you whar I can iiud you when wanted."

Suggs drew an old revolving pistol, whereupon the sherih"
paused.

"The blood," shouted the captain, "of the High Slieriff of
Tallapoosy County be upon his own head. If he crowds on to
me, 1 give fair warnin' I'll discharge this revuUeii' pistol seven
several and distinct times, as nigh into the curl of his forehead,
as the uatur' of the case will admit."

For a moment the sheriff was intimidated ; but recollecting
that 'J.iptain Suggs Iiad a religions dread of carrying loaded
lire-arn\s rdto.ii I'is person, although he often sported theiir
imcharged f.' effect, he briskly resumed his stride, and the
captniu, hvH'iig th,' "revolter" at his head, at once fell into
a "^vii'iiig pa'^t!'' ro'.vards i'i\Kj rack whore stood his pouv,
"Ciittv^n. '■ '

n liiin with

fit need not;

f the wos;

the sliei'ii'i'

[ lookiug as

oro was an

d began to

liaiied liiiu

Ll."

bullet said
lents looks

ou must bo
!;o your se-

ty — the ohl
,'d me. !f
1 be thai'—

I'll

tlio shcrih'

1 SheriiV of
•owds on to
)istol seven
is forehead,

recollectinir
ying loaded
ortcd them
le, and tli '
ce fell into
his pony.

TEAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

255

The sheriff's horse, by chance, Avas tied at the same rack,
but a Avag of a ft flow, catching Suggs's idea, unhitched the
])ony, and threw the bridle over its neck, and held it ready to
be mounted ; so that the ca])tain was in his saddle, and his nag
at half speed, ere the sherilf put his foot in the stirrup.

Her? they go! clattering down the street "like an armed
troop! " Now tlk. blanket-coat of tlie invincible captain dis-
appears round Luke Davenport's corner! The sheriif is hard
after him! "Go it, Ellis!" "Go it, Suggs!" "Whoop!
whoop! hurrah!" 7\gain the skirts of the blanket-coat be-
come visible, on the rise by M'Cleudon's, whisking about the
pony's rnmp! "Lay whip, sherilf; your bay's lazy!" The
old l)ay gains on Jhittim, however. But now they turn down
I the long hill towards Johnson's Mill Creek, liight sturdily the
pou}- bears his master on, but tlie bay is overhauling him fast!
They near the creek! lEe has him! no! — the horse runs
against the pony — falls himself — projects his rider into the
thicket on the right — and knocks the pony and its rider into
the stream.

It happened t!iat by the concur-Tion or some other cause
the girth of Captain Suggs's saddle Wt h broken , so that neither
himself nor his saddle was ])rccisely m\ JJutton's back when
they reached the water. It was no lime to stop for trifles,
liowever ; so leaving the saddle in the creek, the captain be-
strode the bare back of his panting animal, and made the best
of his way onward. He knew that the slieriff would still
follow, and he therefore turned from the j'oad at right angles,
skirted the creek swam]) for a mile, and then took a direction
by which he would reach the road again, four or live miles 'rom
the scene of his recent submersion.

The dripping captain and his reeking steed cut a dolorous
figure, as they traversed the woods. It was rather late in the
season to make the hydropathic treatment they had so lately
undergone agreeable ; and the dc[iarture of the captain from
Dadeville had been too unexpected and hurried to allow the
slightest opportunity for lllliug his quart tickler.

" AV^onder," said he to himself, " if I won't take a fit aforo
I git anv more — or else have a whole carrvvan of blue-no.-
monkeys and forty-tail snakes after me — and so get a sight of
the menajerie 'thout payin' the fust red cent. Git up, you lazy
Injun! "

AVith the last Avords, Simon vigorously drove his heels
against Button's sides, and in a half-hour had regained the
road.

Scarcely had Captain Suggs trotted a hundred yards, when

256

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

the Round of horsfo' feet bnhind him caused liim to look back.
It was the sheriif.

"Hollo! Sheriff! stop!" said Suggs.

The sheriff drew up his horse.

" I've got a proposition to make to you ; you can go homo
with me, and fliar 1 can give bond."

" Very well," said the sheriif.

"But luinds off till we git thar, and you ride fifty stops
ahead of me, for fear of accidents — that's the proposition."

"Agreed!"

" jN'ot so fast," said Suggs, "thar's a condition."

" What's that V "

" Have you got any liquor along ? "

The sheriff pulled out a blnnk bottle by way of reply.

" JN[ow," said Captain Suggs, " do you putthe])ottle on that
stump thar, and ride out from the road fifty yards, and when I
git it, take your position in front."

These manoiuvres were performed with much accuracy,
aud the parties being ready, and the captain one drink ahead :

"For — rard, march!" said Suijtis.

In this order the sheriff and captain wended their way,
until they arrived at the crossing of Eagle Creek, a stream having
amir}'- swamp on each side. As his pony was drinking, an idea
popped into the captain's head which was immediately acted
upon. He suddenly turned his pony's head down stream, and in
half a minute was out of sight.

" Come, Button," said he, "let's hunt wild-cats a spell ! "

The sheriff, almost as soon as he missed our hero, heard hini
f;plashing down the creek. He plunged into the swamp, with
the intention of headin::: him, but the mud v.-as so soft that
after floundering about a little while, he gave it u]), and returned
to the road, cursing as much for the loss of his black bottle, as
of the captain.

" H(dlo, Ellis ! " shouted Suggs.

"Hello, yourself!"

" Don't you try that swamp no more ; it'll mu'e butterflies,
in spots! "

" No danger ! " was the response.

" And don't you try to follow lur, on that tall horse, down
the run of this creek ; if you do, you'll have both eyes hangin'
on bamboo briers in goin' a hundred yanls — besides moccasin
time ainH over vet, and thar's lots of 'em about these old logs ! "

"Take care of yourself, ^'ou old thief! " said the irritated
officer.

" Once again, Ellis, old fellow! " said Suggs, coaxingly.

TIIAITS OF AMEinCAX lIl'MOnZ

2-7

00k back.

1 20 homo

fifty steps
.tion."

3ply.

:tle on that

md wlien I

I accuracy,
■ink ahead :

their way,
eaiu having
[n<^, an idea
^ately acted
cam, and in

a spell ! "
heard him
amp, with

!0 soft that
d returned
i: bottle, as

I butterflies,

borse, down
yes hangin'
les moccasin
) old logs ! "
he irritated

"AVhat do yon want?"

" Not liin', only I'm mucli ohiceged to you for liiif^hhick hotlK*
— here H luck ! — you can charge the pi'i(!e in the lu'xt bill oi
costs you git agin me."

'^rhc discomlMed slieriiV could st;;nd tl\I:^ je(MMng from the
captain no longer, so he put spin's to his horse; ami k'fl.

" Xow," nnn'miMvd Suggs, " hjt me (le})art in peace, fortliar's
no chance to kelch up wiih \\w now ! — Cus.s the hok» — ami

)axingly.

yondei" s a liorsni log

" Well, the wicked flei^ wi'vn no man jmrsneth ; woinier
vrliat they'd do if they had that black rascal, I\lartin Ellis, al'ier
'em. on that infernal long-legged bay ? J3urn the luck ! t liar's
that new saddle that 1 l>orr()\ved fro,.i t1u> ^Mississippi feller —
which he'll never couu^ h.ack j'or it — lha!\s lost in the mill creek !
— jist as good as ten dollars out of my ]H)ckef. \\ ell, it's no use
'.<})utin' with ])roviden( e — liit /'•;7/ purviile!'

'■ Tlie Grand Jurors tif the State of Alabama," he continu(Hl,
r.oliloqui/ing in the verbiage of an indictment ; '' ehn'ted, sworn,
and charged — (hinicd rai^rals fill, t'u'i/i Jim Jiuhicr at the Iicail !
— to iiKpiire for the body of 'J'allapoosa Von\\ty~-(liirn iheii'
licarls ! i/\s'vi>/ bodii il\rif m (tj'lcr ! — upon tlieir oaths present —
conj'uitiul //ff'/i/ !—thnt Simon Suggs— A 'w/ //ia/\s- dw, hut i/)r:f
onif/lit^ve 2'>i't the ' Ciiptaiii ' to it, ttioiKjh I — late of said CVani/
— -juiit n.s if f ivani t one of tlie fud settlers, wJiicli I was 'w, ■',
([I ore tlicji had a niijn. of a Vi)v.i't-hoHxel

" Well, it's no use thinkin' about tlie 1_\ in' tiling ; I'll have
to go lladenskeldt, at Court, to get me out'n the suck. jN'ow,
//«"'6' a quar one, ain't he ? Isever got him to do any law job for
me yet but what I had to ]*ay him — drot the feller. Anybody
would think 'twas as hard to git money from me as 'tis for a
jiian to draw a he.adless tenpeiniy nail out'n an oak post with his
teeth — but that little biack-headed lawver makes a ten, or a
ticcntii. come every po}) !

" \V onder how fur 'tis down to the bend ? This creek makes
into the river about a mile below it, they say. Never mind,
thar's a I'ew drinks of the ipsiidinory left, and the menajjerie won't
open to-day. I judge if my old woman knowed uhar 1 was
goin', and icho I was goin' to see, she'd make the yeath shake.
J^ut she don't know ; it's a prinsij^pel that provideiu'o lias ])ut
into the bosom of a man — leastways all sensible men — to run
on and talk a heap afore their wives, to make 'em believe thrjfre
iurniii' irrojir/ side out l)e fore ''em, and yet never tell 'em th.e fust
word of truth. It's a wise thing in providence, too. Wonder
if I'll ketch that rascal Jim Sijarkji jewlarkin' round Betsy,
down at old Bub's ! "

115 S

TRAITS OF AM1:KI('AN IIKMOLTI.

On tho mornin::^ after thn ocotuTonoo of tlm ful\'onf:urp \\(»
liavt; related, Capl.aiii Siii^ujs sat in aloni,'triin-1)tiiH Indian canoe,
uhicli was moored to tho nortli l>ank of tlu; Tallapoosa river.
Sr-Av him \vas Miss IJetsy (\)('lverell. She sat racini^ the exp-
lain, on a hoard laid across tlu^ <;iin\vale3 of the boat, Miss
Helsy was a honmang L,Mrl, plnmp, fn-m, and sauey, wiih a
jnisehievouH rolling eye, and a sharp word for ever at her tongne's
vnd. She seemed to bo eo(|uetting with the paddle slu; iu'ld in
her hand, and oeeasionally wonid strike it on the water, so as to
besprinkle Captain Sngi^'s, mnch to his ainioyajiee.

'• Oh, Captin, you do ])(M'sua(le me to promise you so hard.
And Jim S[)ai'ks says you'n; married; and if you ain't you
mought 'a been, twenty years ago ; you're old enough. " —
(splash !)

"I say, mind how you throw your water! J.in Sparks is a
triflin' dog — if 1 have got a wife, i>etsy, slie is goi'i' fast."

'• (loin' wJiar/'" askiMl Betsy, strikitig the water again.

" Coiii'oniul your paddle ! ean't you keep it still ? Providence
is goiu' to -take lu r home, Betsy — she's dwindled away to a
shaddiM', with that cough and one thing and another. She ain't
long for this world," he added, mounifnlly ; "and if you, lietsy,
will oidy make u]) your mind — tlie devil take that paddle ! —
you'j. rn over tlu; boat, and throw me in the river ! —uiako up
your mind to step into her shoes, it looks like it would sort o'
reconcile me to lose her" — and here a tear leaked out of eacli
corner of tho captain's eyes.

'' Oh. Captin," said Betsy, half shutting one cyo, and look-
ing ([uiz/.ical ; "th '. :'s so many good-lookin' young felhu's aljonl.
1 hate to give 'eni up. 1 like you, Ca[)tin, but thar's Bill
Edwards, and Jet AVallis, and Jim Spark's, and "—

" ' Good lookin' ! ' and ' Jet AVallis ' and ' Jim Sparks ! ' Why
.let's mouth is no better than a hole made in the fore ])art of his
head with a claw-hammer — and as for Jim Sparks, he's got tlie
face of a terrier dog."

"Do you count jj oiu\sclf ^ood-lookm' ? " asked Betsy, with
great naivete.

" Gal ! " rejdied Suggs, with dignity, " did you ever see mc
in my unit'orm'r' with my silvc;r ojipolots on my shoulder 't f\n\
my red sasli round my waist? and the sword that (jtovernor
Bagby give me, with the gold scabbard a hangin' by my

•J "

Just at this moment a step was heard, and before the ca]>
tain and Betsv had recovered from the shock of intrusion,
Sherilf Ellis stepped into the boat, and asserted that Suggs " w;u

Ins |)risoner ! "

Mit
out

vim

Rrai

^ort

TKAITS OF AMKRICAN ITUMr)l'lI.

2.V.)

it lire wo
111 canoe,
is!i river,
tlie (Mj)-
,t. ^liss
, wivli a

', 80 as to

I so hard.
aiiTt you
lough. —

; parks is a
la-^t.

airain.
Providmico
away to a
, SliV ain't
yon, Bet^y,

paddlo ! —
1 — nuike up

uUl sort o'
out ot" each

■, and look-
Uors aboiiv,
thar's IVill

rks!' AVhy
:> part ofh-
ic's <:ot tiic

llVjtsy, with

lever see uio

ulder 'i nnl

It (iovernoi'

tin' by niy

[ore the cap-
If intrusion.

Isuggs^was

" Tr(Hnlatlast I " said tlio <'aplain; "l)ut it's no nsc frcttin' ;
I'lo \va\s of providence is niysleriuns. Jjut whar did you cross,
Ellis?''

" Oh, T knew you'd bo nbont the old lick Ion; 'a fisliin' with
I'etsy. I'll turn the kuniux) loose, aiul r>el« will taki' us across.
1 crossed at ilandu'ick's ierrv, left niv horse o!i t'other side, and
(■o!ne down on yon, like a nunlc on a settiu' hen. Come! come!
iLs time we were oil' to Dadeville."

" Providence is agin me," sighed the captain ; *^' I'm pulled
uj) with a short jerk, in the middU^ of my knrrei-r, AV'^ell, bnt,"
lie continued, nuising, " 'sj)ose a feller tries on his own hook —
iio harm in takin' (til tlie chances—l ain't in jail i/rl ! "

A few yards below the boat landing, there grew out of tho
iiank an inunense water-oak, projecting over the river at an anglt^
of abont forty-live. A Inige muscadine vine enwrapped the oak
in every part, its branches and tendrils covering it like net-work.
The grapes were now ripe, and hung over the river

*' In hacclinnal profusion,
I'urple and ^ni-sliiiig."

Betsy allowed the canoe to drop down slowly, jnst outsido
of where the tij)s of the lower branches of the tree dallied witii
the ri])pling water. The fruit attracted the sherlirs eye and.
appetite, and reaching out an arm he laid hold of a branch, and
began to " pluck and eat."

" Drot the grapes I " said Snggs, angrily : " let's go on ! "

" Kec^p cool," said the sherilf, ''I'll till my pockets llrst."

" J3e iu a hurry, then, and if you icill gather the sour things,
reach uj) and pull down them big bunches, up thar," pointing
to some fine clusters higher than the sheriil' could reach, as ho
stood up in the boat; "j)ull the vines down to you."

The sherilf tried, but the vines resisted his utmost strength ;
so crying "steady!" he pulled himself up clear of the boat,
and began to try to establish a tooting among the foliage.

At this moment Captain Suggs made no remark orally, but
his eye said to Betsy, as plainly as eye could talk, " hit her a
lick l3ack, my gal! "

Silently the paddle went into the water, Betsy leaning back,
Mith lips compressed, and in a second the canoe shot ten feet
out from the tree, and the sheriff was left dangling among tho
vines !

" Stop your senseless jokes ! " roared the oflicer.

*' Keep cool, old Tap-my-shoulder ! thar's jist tho smallest
grain of a joke in this here that ever you seed. It'a the coldest
sort of airnest."

2C0

TKAiT.s or A:\n:iJiCAN TirMoiru,

Wliui nIkiII I do? II. .u' shall \ <xvi out of tbi.sP " ask^a

lilliH, piU'ously

iVi)ly

Let ull ^o mid drop in the watt r, and awim out,"' waa llu

I can'l sniiii ji lit-k — liow dci'|) is it ? "
Siijj;i;a si\;inc'd to riiminati', and tlirn replied:
*'. From- say — lifteen — yes, nt Ictsl, lil'teeri — to — abou

t\venty-il\e loot. T^ly |)la<e!"

"(jraeiouH ^'oodness!" said poor Ellis, "you cerlaiidy

v.on't leave uie here to drown — my strength is failing ali'^'iiily-"

I I;

If r don't," said the captain, most emphalieall

wish

J may be eotehed and han;4;((l when- y(»u are," and saying a
word to Hetsv, thev shot rapidly across thc^ river.

Kissinj; his companion as he stepped out oi' the boat, Suggs
sought r>ullon, who was tied lo a tlucUet near by, and mount-
ing, pursued his homeward way.

" Jv r/v.'/' ilcsj)n)\''' ho said to hiinself, as lie jogged along,
*' never despar! Honesty, a l)riglit wati-h-out. a hand o' cards
in your lingers and one in your lap, wiLh a little grain of help
from ])ro\ idenci', will always lllcli a man through I Never
despai'! I've lu'ii hunted and traeki;d and dogged like a
cussed Wolf. hiiL the Lord has purvided, and my wust iniiii//
li:(ti lack (( b'i'cl (Jit up, Jiutlun, you old Hop-eared Injun!"

LU.

POI.LV I'lC.Vlil.OSSOM S WKDUINO.

"jNIy stm's! that ])arson is itoawrful slow a-coming! I
reckon he wa'n't so tedious gitting to his own. wedding as he
is counng here," said one oi' the bridesmaids of Miss Polly
Peablossom, as she bit her lips, and peej)ed into a small look-
ing-glass for the twentieth time.

"lie ])reaches enough about the shortness of a lifetime,"
remarked another pouting JNIiss, '• and how we ought to improve
our opportiuiilies, not to be creeping along like a snail, when a
whole wedding-party is waiting for him, and the walHes are
getting cold, and the chickens burning to a crisp."

"ILive patience, girls, maybe the man's lost his spurs and
can't get along any faster," was the consolatory appeal of an
arch-looking damsel, as she linished tlie last of a bunch of
grapes.

TIIAITS OF AMi:UICAN TTI'MOUII.

CGI.

? " nski-il
■' waa tlu!

to — about

ciTtalnly
alrcadv."
, "1 \vi^^

• ^:»y'"o '^
oat, Sii'j:'j,-^<

IKi lUOUUl-

<rL'd alnni,',
ul (>' cai'ds
liii of iK-lp
li I Never
reel like a
,vust iuiiiii/

[ illJLlu!"

oming

ding as h(!

Miss Polly

luall look-

a lifetime,"
to improve
lail, when a
waiiles are

spurs and
)peal of au_
a bunch of

" Or perhaps his old !n\-e;iri'd lutrse li:i.s Jumjcd out of the
j'astiu'e, and tlie old «i;cutlemau has to take it a-l'oot," burudsieil
the fourth bridesmaid.

The bride used industrious cfTorls io appear ])atieut and
rather indillerent amid the ^eui'ral restiveiu'ss of iier aids, and
Would oceasionally alleet extreme uierrimeni ; hut lier shrewd
atteiidiuita eliar;;('d her with beiuj; ild;.,'ety, and rather niule
uneasy than she wanted folks to believe.

"Jlello, 1'loyd ! " shout(Ml old Captain Pealdossom out of
doors to his eopperas-trowsered son, who was enlei-taiuini;- the
vouu'>' beaux of the nei'dibourliood with fonts <»f aiiNiiy in
jinn|MUti; with weights — " Floyd, ilirow down them rocks, and
put the bridle on old Sni[). and ride d(Avn the road :ind see if
you can't .see Parson (lyuipsoy, and tell biui hurry al(mg,'we
are all waitin<^ for him. lie must thiuk weddiu_,s are like his
uieetin,(];s, that can be put oil' to the 'Sunday after the fourth
Siitui'day in next mouth,' after the crowd's rdl •^alliered and
]v:u!y to 'near tli^' preachiuj!;. If you don't meet him, ,'j;o clra/i
to his house. 1 'spect he's heard that liushy Creek Ned's hero
with his fiddle, and taken a scare."

As the night was wearing on. and no pnrson had couu' yet
to unite the destinies of (ieoi-ge AVashington lb Igkius and
'•the amiable and aceomplished " j\liss Polly Pe;;b]>)Ssom, the
former individual intimiited to hi?', in fended the propriety of
passing off the i me by having a dance.

Polly asked her ma, and her ma, after arguing that it wns
i.ot the fashion in her finie, in North Car'lina, to dance befuro
the f'cremoni/, at last coTisented.

The artist from Jju.-hy Cicek was called in, and after nnu-h
tuning and adjusting of the screws, he struek i![) "]\loiuy
IMusk ; " and away went the <'ountry-dance, Polly Penblossom
at the head, with Thomas Jeiferson Hodgkins as her partner,
and George AVashingtoii llodgkins next, with Polly's sister,
Luvisa, for his partner. Polly danced to every geni lenian, and
Thomas rlefilrsou (lanced to every lady; tlu'U up and dov u in
the middle and hands all round. Next came Geor^ie 'Wa>.iin<r-
ton and his partner, who underwent the same process; "and
so on through the whole," as Daboll's Ai-ithmetic says.

The yard was lit uj) by three or four large light-wood fires,
whifh gave a picturescpie appearance to the grouj)s outside.
Ou one side of the house was Daniel Newnan Peablus>on) and
a bevy of youngsters, who either could not or did not desire to
get into the dance — ])robal)ly the foriuer — and who amused
themselves by jumping and wrestling. On the othiT side a
group of matrons sat under the trees, in chairs, and discoursed

IMAGE EVALUATION
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I.I

Hi 12.5

130

m m

2f HA ■

2.2

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2.0

'•2^lll'-^ '

^;.

Photographic

Sciences

Corporation

23 WIST MAIN STREET

WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580

(716) S72-4503

2G2

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

of the mysteries of making butter, curing chickens of the pip
and children of the crwup, besides lamenting the misfortuui-s
of some neighbour, or the indiscretion of some neighbour's
daughter, who had run away and married a circus-rider. A
few pensive couples, eschewing the "giddy dance," promenaded
the yard and admired the moon, or " wondered if all them little
stars were worlds like this." Perhaps they may have sighed
sentimentally at the folly of the musquitoes and bugs which
were attracted round the fires to get their pretty little wings
scorched and lose their precious lives ; or they may have talked
of "true love," and plighted their vows, for aught we know.

Old Captain Peablossom and his pii)e, during the while,
were the centre of u circle in front of the house who had
gathered around the old man's arm-chair to listen to his " twice-
told tales " of " hair-breadth 'scapes," of " the battles and sieges
he had passed ; " for you must know the captain was no " sum-
mer soldier and sunshine patriot ; " he had burned gunpowder
in defence of his beloved country.

At the especial request of Squire Tompkins, the captain
narrated the perilous adventures of Isewnan's little band among
the Seminoles. How "bold Newnan" and his men lived on
alligator fiesh and parched corn, and marched barefooted
through saw-palmetto ; how they met Bowlegs and iiis warriors
near Faine's Prairie, and what fighting was there. The amusing
incident of Bill Cone and the terrapin shell, raised shouts of
laughter among the young brood, who had flocked around to
hear of the wars. Bill (the " Camden Bard," peace to his
ashes), as the captain familiarly called him, was sitting one day
against the logs of the breastwork, drinking soup out of a ter-
rapin shell, when a random shot from the enemy broke the shell
and spilt his soup, whereupon he raised his head over the
breastwork and sung out, " Oh, you villain ! you couldn't do
that again if you tried Torty times." Then the captain, after
repeated importunities, laid down his pipe, cleared his throat,
and sung :

" "We inarcherf on 'to our next station,
The Ingons on before did bide,
They shot and killed liold Newnan's nigger,
And two other white men by his side."

The remainder of the epic we have forgotten.

After calling out for a chunk of fire, and relighting his pipe,
he dashed at once over into Alabama, in General Floyd's army,
and fought the battles of Calebee and Otassee over again iu
detail. The artillery from Baldwin county blazed away, and
made the little boys aforesaid think they could hear thunder

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

203

f the pip
stbrtuiRvs
glibour's
idor. A
)menade(l
he7n little
^e si filled
gs \vhich
tie wings
,ve talked
know,
he while,
who had
s " twice-
md sieges
uo " sum-
unpowder

e captain
nd among
1 lived on
juretboted
s warriors
e amusing

shouts of
around to
ce to his
g one day
b of a ter-
e the shell

over the
juldn't do
tain, after
iis throat,

ig his pipe,
yd's army,
r again in
away, and
ir thunder

almost, and the rifles from Putnam made their patriotic young
spirits lung to reveiige that gallant corps. And the S(piire was
astonished at tlie narrow escape his friend had of falling into
the hands of Weatherford and his savages, when he was
miraculously rescued by Timpoochie Barnard, the Utchce
chief.

At this stage of alTairs, Floyd («o/ f/ie fjenoral, but the am-
bassac'or) rode up, with a m}sterious look on his countenance.
The dancers left oil' in the middle of a set, and assembled
around the mesHeiiger, to hear the news of the parson. The
old ladies crowded up too, and t!ie captain and tiie s(piire were
eager to hear. But Floy(^ felt the iinporlanc;.! of his situ-
ation, and was in no hurry to divest himself of tlie momentary
dignity.

" Well, as I rode on down to Boggy Gut, I saw — "

"Who cares what the devil vou saw?" e.xi-laimed tht»
impatient captain; "tell us if the piirson is coming first, and
you may take all night to tell the bahmce, if you like, afler-
wards."

" I saw — " continued Floyd pertinaciously.

" Well, my dear, what did you see r* " asked ]Mr3 Pea-
blossom.

'' I saw that some one had tool-en away some of the mils on
the cross wav, or they had washed away or ."^omehow — "

" Did anybody ever hear the like ? " said the caj)tam

"And so 1 got down," continued Floyd, " and hunted seme
more and fixed over the boggy place."

Here P(illy laid her hand on his arm and requested, with a
beseeching look, to know if the parson was on the way.

" I'll tell you all about it presently, Polly. And when I got
to the run of the creek, then — "

'• Oh, the devil ! " ejaculated Captain Peablossom, " stalled
again ! "

" Be still, honey, let the child tell it his own way — he always
would have his way, you know, since we had to humour him so
when he had the measles," interposed the old lady.

Daniel Newnan Peablossom, at this juncture, facetiously lay
down (m the ground, with the root of an old oak for his pillow,
and called out yawningly to his pa, to "wake him when brother
l^loyd had crossed over the rim of the creek and arrived safely
at the parson's." This caused loud laughter.

Floyd sim])ly noticed it by observing to his brother, "Yes,
you think you're w/y///// .smart before all these folks ! " and re-
sumed his tedious route to Parson (irympsey's, with as little
prosjject of reaching the end of his story as ever.

2Gi

TUAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOKK.

Mm Pcablossoin tried to coax liiiu to '\ji-'<t " say if tlic parson
Nvas coming or not. Polly bci2;i;('tl liini, and all tlio bridesmaids
implored. JjuL Floyd " went on his way rejoicing."

" When I came to the Piney-flat," he continued, "old Snip
Sf^ed s(jmethin<j: white over in the bav-gall, and HhyWcIcuii out o'
the road, and — " where he would have stopped, would be hard
to say, it' the impatient captain had nijt interfered.

That gentleman, with a peculiar glint of the eye, remarlced,
" AV^'ell, tliere's one way 1 can bring him to a showing," as ho
took a large horn from between the h)gs, and rung a " wood-noto
wild " that set a pack of hounds to yelj)ing. \ few more notes
as loud as those that issued from "' liuland's liorn vA. lionces-
valles" was suillcient invit;ition to every hound, foist, and ''cur
of low degree," that followed the guests to joni in the chorus.
The captain was a man of good lungs, and '* the way he ilid blow
was the way," as IStpiire Tompkins afterwards very happily
described it; and as there were in the canine choir sonie thirty
voices of every key, the nius • may be imagined better than
described. Miss Tabitha T'idwell, the iirst bridesmaid, put her
hands to her ears and cried out:

" My stars ! we shall all gt hlow'd away ! "

The desired ellect of abbreviating the messenger's story was
produced, as that prolix personage in copperas pants, was seen
to take Polly aside, anil whisper sonu^tliing in her ear.

'' Oh, Floyd, you are joking ; you oughtn't to serve me so.
An'fc you joking, bud /'^ asked Polly, with a look that seemed
to beg he would say yes.

" it's as true as preaching," he replied, '* the cake's all
dough ' "

Polly whispered something to her motlier, Avho threw' up her
hands, and exclaimed, " Oh, my ! " a-nd then whispered the secret
to some other lady, and away it went. Such whispering and
throwing up of hands and eyes, is rarely seen at a quaker meeting.
Consternation was in every face. Poor Polly was a very per-
sonilication of " patience on a monument, smiling green and
yellow melancholy."

The captain, discovering that something was the matter,
drove oll'thc dogs, and inqunvd w hat had happened to cause such
confusion. " What the devil's the matter now ? " hesaid. "You
all look as down in llie mouth as we did on the Sinif<i/l'('e (St Pe),
when the quartermaster said the provi;ions had all give out.
What's the matter won't somebody tell me? Old 'oman, has
the dogs got uito the kitchen and eat up all the supper, or what
else has come to pass ? out with it ! "

"Ah, old man, bad news ! " sad the wife with a sigh.

10 parson
dcsuiaidd

= old Snip
"iiii out o'
1 bo hard

remarked,
inr/' as lie
,vood-uoto
lore notes

t liollCfS-

aud '' eur
lie chorus.
3 did blow
■y happily
jiiu) thirty
rtltr than
id, put her

\ story was
•i, was seen
ir.
•ve nic so.

lat seemed

cake's all

'ew np her
the secret
)eriii^f and
>r meeting.
11 very per-
green and

ic matter,
cause such
;aid. "You
"ec (St Ee),
1 o'ive out.
'oman, has
ler, or what

sigh.

TllAlTS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUi?.

2G5

" Well, what is it ? yon are all getting as b:ul a.s I'lovd,
icri'iifiiiiKj a lelh)\v to death."

*• I'arson (Tyin])sey was digging a new horb-f tr;)Ugh and
cut his leg to the bone with the foot-adze, and can't Ci)ine— Ob,
dear!"

" I wish he had taken a fancy to 'a done it a wvcV. ago, so
wo mnut 'a got anotlier parson, or as long as no other time
Avould suit but to-day, 1 wish lie had cut liis denied eternal
head oil'!"

"Oil, iiiv ! husband," exclaimed ^frs l\>a!^lossoin. Busliy
Creek ]N'ed, standing in the pia/./a with his iiddle, struck up the
old tune of

" We'll dance all ni,^■ht, 'till hroad (layli'j-lit.
And go home •with tlio ijkIs iii tlio moniiii;;."

Xed's hint caused a movement towards the dancing-room,
nmoug the yoiuig people, when the caj)tain, as if waking from a
revery, exclaimed in a loud voice, " Oh, the devil ! what are we
all thinking of? why here''-" scpiire Tompkins, he can perform
I he crreuio)!!/. If a man can't marry folks, wiiat's the use of
being S(piire at all ? "

^lanna did Jiot come in better time to the children of Isracd
in the wilderness, than did this discovery of the worthy caplain
to the com])any assembled. It was as vivifying as a shower of
i-ain on corn that is about to shoot and tassel, espeeiully to G .
\\. Ifodgkins and his lady-love.

Squire Tompkins was a newly elected magistrate, and some-
what diilldent of his abilities in this untried depaitment. He
(expressed a hint of the sort, which the captain only noticed
with the exclamation, " hoot toot ! "

jMrs Peablossom insinuated to her husband, that in her da//
the '' (juali/i/,'' or better sort of people in JS'orth Ca'hna, had a
prejudice cff/in being married by a magistrate; to which the old
gentleman replied, " None of your nonsense, old lady, none
of your Duplin county aristocracy about here, now. The
better sort of people, I think you say ! Xow, you know Xortb
Ca'lina ain't tiie best State in tlie Union, nohow, and Dn()li)'s
the ])oorest county in the State. Better sort of ])eo[)le, is it^
QnalUi/, eh! Who the devil's better than we are? A n't we
honest ? An't we raised our children decent, and learned them
how to read, write, and cipher ? An't I foai under Xewnaii
and I'loyd for the country? Why, darn it! we are the verj/
i(?.v^ sort of peoj)le. Slnlf! nonsense! The wedding shall no
oil; Polly shall have a husband." IMrs P. 's eyes lit u|j — her
cheek Hashed, as she heard "the old iS'orth State" spoken of

200

TUAITS OF AMElilCAN IIUMOUU.

80 (lis|);ira;Tin^ly ; but slio \v;is a woman of pjood sense, and rc-
scrvi'd tlui cast i^at ion I'op a I'litiiri' curtain Ifcturo.

'i'lnu^s wore soon arran;4('(l tor tlio wt'ddii)L(; and as tlio old
woodru clock on the niantcl-piccc struck one, the bridal [)arty
were; duly arran^^ed ou the floor, and the crowd j^athered 'aiud,
eaj^er to observe rvery twiukle of the bridegroom's eye, and
every blush of the bloomiuij^ bride.

Tlu! bridesmaids aud their male attendants wore arranp^ed
in cou[)U's, as in a cotillion, to form a hollow 8(juare, in the
centre of which were the S(juire and betrothing parties. Each
of the attendants bore a caiulle ; !Miss Tabithu held hers in a
long brass candlestick, which had belonged to J*olly's grand-
mother, in shajjc and length somewhat resend)ling "Cleopatra's
needle;" jMiss liuvisa bore a ilat tin one; the third attendant
bore sucli an article as is usually susj)ended on a nail against
the wall, and the fourth had a curiously devii-ed something cut
out of wood with a pocket-knife. I'or want of a further sujVj)]y
of candK'sticks, the male attendants held naked candles in their
liands. J'olly was dressed in white, and wore a bay ilower
with its green leaves in her hair, and the whisper went round,
" Now (lonl she look pretty P " George Washington llodgkin.'i
ix'joiced in a white satin stock, aiul a vest and pantaloons of
orange colour; the vest was straight-collared, like a continental
olUcer's In the revolution, and had eagle buttons on it. They
were a tine-looking couple.

When everything was ready, a ])ause ensued, and all eyes
were turned on the Scjuire, who seemed to be undergoing a
mental a<ronv, such as Fourth of July orators feel when thev
forget their speeches, or a boy at an exhibition, when he has
to be prompted from behind the scenes. The truth was. S(|uire
Tompkins was a man of forms, but had always taken them from
form-books, and never trusted lus memory. On this occasion
he had no " (aeorgia Justice," or any other book from which to
read the marriage-ceremony, and was at a loss how to proceed.
]le thought over everythuig he had ever learned "by heart,"
oven to

" Thirty days hatli tho month of Soptemlior,
Tho same iiiay be said of June, April, November;"

but all in vain ; he could recollect nothing that suited such an
occasion. A suppressed titter all over the room admonished
him that he must proceed with something, and in the agony of
despcrat ion, he began :

" Know all men by these presents, that I — " here he paused
and looked uj) to the ceiling, while an audible voice in a corner
of tho room was heard to sav,

TKAITS OF AMERICAX IIIIMOIJU.

207

ISO, and re-
el {19 tho old
)ri(liil piirty
crcd 'iund,
I's eye, and

pe arranp;ed
.lare, in tlio
■ties. E:ieh
d licrs ill a
lly's <;i"Uid-
■ Cleopatra's
•d attendant
nail ai^ainst
metlung cut
rtlier su]Vj)ly
dies in their
I bay ilower
went round,
)ii llodi;kin:i
aiitaloons ol
I continental
m it. They

and all eyes
uderL;-oin<j; a

when they
when lie lias

was. Scjuirc
n them iroiu

lis oceasiou
oni which to

to proceed.

" by heart,"

ited such an

admonished

the agony of

re ho paused

'• Ile'a drawing up a drad to a tract of land," and they all
l.nighed.

"Jn tho name of God, Amen!" — lie began a second time,
only to hear another voice in a loud whis|)('r say,

"He's making his irill now. I thought he couldn't live
long, lie looks so powerful bad."

" Now I l;iy nic down to sleep,
I pray the Lord — "

was tlio next essay, when some erudite gentleman remarked,

" He is not dead, but slee[)eth."

" O yes ! O yes ! " continued the S(iuire.

One voice rei)lied, "Oh no! oh j)o! don't let's." Anotlu;'
whispered, ** No ball ! " Sonu> person out of doors, sung oul,
" Come into court ! " and the laughter was general.

The bridesmaids s[)ilt the tallow from tlu'ir candles all over
the floor, in the vain attemj)t to look serious. One of tliem
'lad a red mark on her lip for a mouth afterwards, where slu^
had bit it. The bridegroein ])ut his hands in his pockets, and
took them out again ; the bride looked as if she would faint —
and so did the (Sijuire !

]5ut the Squire was an indefatigable man, and kept tr} ing.
His next eflbrt was,

" To all and singular, the sher — "

"Let's run! he's going to level on us," said two or three
at once.

Here a gleam of light flashed across the face of S(piire
Tompkins. That dignitary looked ai'ouiul all at once, with as
iiuich satisfaction as Archimedes could have felt, when he dis-
covered the method of ascertaining the spec! lie gravity of
bodies. In a grave and dignified manner, lie said,

"Mr Hodgkins, hold up your right hand '

George "Washington obeyed, and held up lis hand.

" Miss Polly, hold up yours."

Polly, in her confusion, held up the left hand.

" The other hand. Miss Peablossom."

And the Squire proceeded, in a loud and composed manner,
to qualify them :

" You and each of you do solemnly swear, before the pre-
sent conn

ipany

yoi

pel

singular the functions of a husband or wife —as the cast; may
be — to the best of your knowledge and abilitv, so help you
God!"

" Good as wheat! " said Captain Peablossom. " Polly, my
3 in a'corncL' I g^d, come and kiss your old father j I never felt so happy since

2('S

TIIAITS or AMl'inCAN TIUMOril

llic (Iny T was (lls(l)ar!.^'(l I'roiii tlio arm\,aml set out lunncwarils
to 8oe your iDolher."

]J11.

THE MOTIIKll ANJ) IILll CHILD.

"WuKN^CE comes tlio j^'ibberisli wliicli is almost iuvariaMv
ii^'cil l)y motlicrs aiul unrst-s to iiit'ants? Take lor oxami)!i!
the lollowiiii;, wliicl) will aiiswcr thu twofold purpose of illus-
trating my idea, and of exhibiting cue of the peculiarities of
the aL,a».

A few days aojo, T called to spend an hour in the afternoon
with "Slv Slang, whose wife is the mother of a ehild about eight
months old.

AVhile I was there, the ehild in the nurse's arms, iu an ad-
joining rduni, began to cry.

"You Ivose," said 31rs Slang, addressing a female slave,
*'(]uiet that ehild!"

Kose walked it, and sang to it; but it did ni^t hush.

"You Kosu!. if vou do not quiet that ehild, I lay I make
von."

"T is tried, ma'am," said Kose, "an' he wouldn't get
luLshed."

{Child cries lander.^

"Fetch him here to me, you good for nothing hussy yru.
"What's the matter with him?" reaching out her arms to ro
ceive him.

" I dun know, ma'am."

" Nhei — nhun — nho — nha'am ! " {mocl'ing and grinning at

JiOHc).

As 1-vose delivered the child, she gave visible signs of dodg-
ing, just as the child left her arms; and, that she nn'ght not
be (lisaj)pointed, Mrs Slang gave her a box ; in which there
seemed to be no anger mixed at all ; and which Eose received
as a matter of course, without even changing countenance
undei" it.

" Da deni " said 3[rs Slang, "come elong e muddy (moth.er).
Did nassy Yosey (liose), pague muddy thweety chilluns?
(children)," pressing the child to her bosom, and rocking it
backward and forward tenderly. " Muddina will whippy olc

liuiiiewards

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IirMOlJR.

200

t invariiil'^y
for exanipK!
oso of illiis-
?uliarities of

le afternoon

[ a];out oij^lit

ris, iu an nd-

fomalo slaw,

liusli.

t lay I nial<u

vouldu't got

IT Inissy yni.
arms to iv.-

I fjri lining at

ns of dodg-
10 might not

which thero
lose received

countenance

Idy (motl-.er).
ity chill Lins?
id rocking it

II whippy ole

n'i>*-;v Tosev. All! you old nggy Yosey " (/rnnrJciiif/ (if liotie
I'uii/fitlli/). " Da den ; muddy ilid w !ii[)[)y bad Vosey."

{Cliilil coiifiiwrs cri/iiir/.)

" Why what upon earth ails the child? Kose, you''e hurt
iWis child, someliow or other! "

" Xo ni'ni, 'da' I didn't — T wd^ jist sitt'n down dar in the
rock'n chair long sidi' o' Mis. Nancy's hurt'au, an' want (IdIu'
iiothin' 't ;dl to him. jis playiu' wid him, aud he jis hegiu to cty
h 'srlf. wlu'U noliody wa'u't doin' notiiin' 't all to him, ami nu-
li. )dy wa'nt in dar nutlier sept jis me and him, and 1 was — "

"Xhing -nhing — nhing — and J. ex[)ect you hit his luad
against the bureau."

" r.'ct muddy see where ole bad Yosey kriocky l\'\id 'gin di*
bureaus. Miuldy icill see," talaug olf the child's cap, aud
lliuliug nothing

{('/tild cries on.)

"]Muddv's baby was hongry. Dat was what ails muddv's
darling, th'swei'ly oui'S. AV'as cho hongry. an' nobody \\ »uld
givy litty darling any slugs "t all for eaty ? " {loosini/ hrrj'rorh
hosoni). ''No, nobody would giin t'shwecly oues any sings fo'
eat 't all" — (o/Jers the. hrca.sf li> l/ir c/ii/i/, who rrjccfs if, rolls
over, li'ickfi, and screaius worse than crcr).

" Hush, you little brat ! I holies i' it's nothing in the world
but ci'ossness. llush! (,s//^'/.'/,/y //), hush, 1 tell you! "

(^CJ)il(i cries to the ne plus ultra.)

" Why surely a [)iu must stick the child. Yes, was e bad
pin did ticky chilluns. J^et mtuldy see where (\{.^ ^'^'^'AY 1"'^ ^'*^1
ticky dear prettous creter " {e.ra mining/). "' WHiy no, it isn't a
piu. AVhy what can be the matti'r with the child ! It must have
the cholie sundy. Kose. go brinn" nu) the paragoric off the
mantel-[)iece. Yes, muddy 's bal)y did hab e tolic. L)at was what
did ail muddy's prettous darly baby."

{Fressiuf/ it to her hosnin and rnclcinff it. Child cries on.)

Kose brought the paragoric, handed it, dodged, aud got her
expectations realized as before.

" Now go bring nie the sugar, and some water."

Eose brought them, and ilelivered both without the custom-
ary reward ; for at that instant, the child being laid perfectly
still on the lap, hushed.

The paragoric was administered, and the child received it
with only a whimper now and then. As soon as it received the
medicine, the mother raised it up and it began to cry.

" Why Lord help my soul, what's the matter with the child 1
what have you done to him, you little hussy ? "

ionising and walking towards Hose.)

270

TRAITS OF AMF,nrCA\ ntlMOI'R.

"Tl.-r, ]\rissis, I ciiit (loiu; notliiii' 'tall — was jis sittiii' down
ilii Ijy Aliss iXuMcy'H hu — "

" You lit', you slut ! " {liiff'uirj hrr n passim/ filffp), " I know
you've hurt hini, husli, luy baby" {.sim/iii'/ the dn/itrf,) " (.lou'i
you tM'y, your awc'tlicart will coinc by'iu'by ; da, de duin duiu
duiu day, da do duin diddle dum dum day."

{Cl/ild erics on.)

" Lord help my so\d and body, what can be the matter with
my baby ! " (/cars cominy iulo hrr own cr/eH). *' Somethin<j;'8 tlu;
matter with it ; 1 know it is " (Jni/in;/ (he child on her hip, ami
fcclini; its arms, to ace whether il Jlii>''hed at the touch of aii'j
particular part). But the ehild eried less while she was I'eeliu^'
it than before.

" Yes, dat was it ; wanted litty armsyubb'd. Mud will yub
its sweet little arms."

{Ctidd liet/ins ar/aiji.)

" What upon earth ean make my baby cry so!" rising and
walkin;^ to the window.

(Stojis at the window, and the child hushes.)

"Yes, dat was it : did want to look out 'e windys. See tlio
])retty chickens. 0-o-o-h ! L.,ok, at, the beauty rooster I
Vontler's old aunt JJetty ! See old aunt Betty, pickin' u]) chips.
Yes, oie aunt Betty, pickin' np chip lb' bake bicky (biscuil) to'
Kupper ! "

(Child begins arjain.)
good chilluns. Good aunt Betty fo' make bicky fo' sweet baby' •!

" lloo-o-o ! see de windy ! " {knocking on tue window. Child
screams).

" You Rose ! what have you done to this child ? You little
hussy you, it' you don't tell me how you hurt him, I'll whip you
as louf; as I can find vou! "

" JNlissis I 'cla' 1 never done noth'n' 't all to him. I was jis
sett'n' down da by Miss Nancy's bu — "

"It* yon say 'Miss Nancy's bureau' to me again, I'll stulT
Miss Nancy's bureau down your throat, you little lying slut!
I'm just as sure you've hurt him, as if I'd seen you. How did
you hurt him? "

Here Hose was reduced to a non phts ; for, upon the peril of
having a bureau stutl'ed down her throat, she dare not repcan
the oft-told tale, and she knew no other. She therefore stood
mute.

" Julia," said jNIr Slang, " bring the child to me, and let mo
see if I can discover the cause of his crying."

Mr Slang took the child, and commenced a careful examin-
ation of it. He removed its cap, and beginning at the crown

^sittlii' down

qi), " 1 know

HU't,) " doii'l

do dum duiu

3 matter with
inethiii'j;'8 tlio
\ her hip, mid
touch uf a I'll
»e was t'eclii)L;

Mud will yub

! " rising and

idya. See ilio
uit y rooster I
kin' uj) c'iii])s.
y (biscuit) lu'

' sweet baby' :^
viiiduw. Child

? You little
I'll whip you

im. I was jis

rain, I'll stulT
le lying t*liit •
)U. How did

:)\\ the peril of
ro not repeat
leretbre stood

le, and let mo

xeful examin-
at the crown

TKAITS OF AMKUICAN IIUMOril.

271

of its head, ho extended tlie searui slowly and eautionslv down-
ward, accc i[)anyinij; the; eye with the touch of tl»e tini;er. Ih^
had not ])roeeeded far in this way, befi)re he diseovered in the
right ear of the cliild, a small featlier, the cause, of course, of all
its wailing. The cause renu)veil, the child soon changed its tears
to smiles, greatly to the delight of all, and to none more than
to Kose.

LIV.

PELEO W. PONDER ;
OU, THE rOLITICIAN WITHOUT A SIDE.

It is a curious thing — an nnplcasant thing — a very embar-
rassing sort of thing — but the truth nuist be told — if not at all
times, at least s(mietimes; and truth now compels the declarat ion,
that Peleg \V. Ponder, whose character is here portrayed, let
him travel in any way, cannot arrive at a conclusion, lie never
had one of his own. lie scarcely knows a conclusion, even if ho
should chance to see one belongin ; to otlier people. And, as
for reaching a resnlt, he would nev>. v bo able to do it, if ho C(Hild
stretch like a giratle. Results are beyond his compass. And
his misfortune is, perhaps, hereditary, his mother's name having
been Mrs Perplexity Ponder, whose earthly career came to an
end while she was in dubitftion as to which of the various phy-
sicians of the place should be called in. If there had been only
one doctor in the town, Perplexity Ponder might have been
saved. But there were many — and what could Perplexity Ponder
do in such a case ?

Ponder's father was run over by a waggon, as lie stood de-
bating with himself, in the middle of the road, whether ho
should escape forward or retreat backward. There were two
methods of extrication, and between them both old Ponder be-
came a victim. How then could their worthy son, Peleg, be
expected to arrive at a conclusion ? He never does.

Yet, for one's general comfort and particular happiness,
ihere does not appear to be any faculty more desirable than
the power of " making up the mind." liight or wrong, it saves
a deal of wear and tear; and it prevents an infinite variety of
trouble. Commend us to the individual who closes upon pro-
positions like a nutcracker — whose promptness of will has a

oTO

TiJAiTS or AAn:Ki('A\ iir>tr)rn.

sl«'tl!j;o-li.')iniui'r wavwitli it. .mikI Iiils nails (•ontiDiiiillvdii llii'
lit'ad. (Jciiiiis may Itc l)rilliai;l talfiil <'otiiiiiaii(liiiL; ; l»ii
wlmt 'H ^'('iiiiis. or wliat, is t;;Ii iil, if it, hu-lv that wliirli we iiiav
call till' ciiiichiii;,' faculty — if it hesitates, veers, and iluttcrs- -
Millers ()|)|)()rtnnily to |)a^•s, and .slinuldes at oim asion ? T i
reason well i,< nuich, no donbt ; l»nt reason loses the I'ace, if i:,
bits in nii'dilation i<\\ the leiK'c when competition rnshes hy.

Under tluj l»(>st of circiimstan"es, soinethin'j; must be left to
lia/.ard. Thd'e is a chance in all thin-^s. Nt) man can so cai'
eiilatt! odds in the allairs of life as to insure a certainty. Tin;
screws and linchpins nt-eessary to our j)nr|)ose haw not the Iii-
lle\il)Ilily of a l"al<>; yet they nnist he trusted at some de;;rei'
of risk. Our caiiille may be |)nt out by a pull' of wind on the
stairs, let it he sheltered ever so carel"idlv. Iletsy it* ji j;ood
coolv, yet l)e(-fs(eaks have been |)ro(lnctivo of slran;;nlat ion.
Does it then follow from this, that we are never to !j;o to bed,
e\ce].t in tlie dark, and to abstain i'rom breakiiej; our fast until
dinnei- i^; amiouneed ?

One may panse and rellect too inncli. There must bo ac-
tion, conclusion, result, or we are a failure, to all intents and
jnu'poses — a self-confessed falhwe — dei'iuict from the be^-iinilni;.
j\nd such was tl;(! case ^vIlh I'ele^' W. Ponder, wdio ni'ver ni'-
rived at a coiiclurdon, or conti-ivi'd to reach a result. iVdei]: Is
always " si umped "—ho "don't know what to think" — 1;;;
"can't 1(11 what to say" — an unfinished gentleman, with a
Tuind like a dn>ty ^arret, full, as it were, of rickotty furniture,
yet uothin;4' serviceable — broken-backed chairs — three-lci^ned
tables pitchers without a handle — cracked decanters and fi-a--
tured loo!<inL,^-!j,lassc's-- that museum of nuililations, in which
housewil'ery rejoices, inuler the vaiijue, but never-realized hope,
that these may eventually " come in ])lay." Pelei;'8 opinions
lie about the workshop of his brain, in every stajije of proirress
but the hist chips, sticks, and sawdust enough, but no article
ready to send home.

Shoidd you m(>et Pelec; in the street, with " Good mornini;,
Pele*? — how do vou lind yourself to-dav ? '

" Well -1 don't know exactly — I'm pretty — no, not very —
pray, how do you do yourself? "

Now, if a man does not know exactly, or nearly, how he is,
after beinjj; up for several hours, and having had abujulant time
to investigate the circumstances of his case, it is useless to
] ropound questions of opinion to such an individual. It is
useless to attempt it with Peleg. " How do you do," puzzh •<
him — he is fearful of being too rash, and of making a rep'y
which might not be fully justified by after-reilection. lli-<

TKAITS OF AMKUICAX IlUSfOUIJ.

i1ly on ill''
liiiL;; \n\
A\ we iti ;'.'

Iliittrrs -
sidn ? l "
I' r:ir«', il" 1'"
slits \)\.
t be li't't 1'>

ciiu ^*o t'i»t-
lialy. 'I-''

not the iii-

^viiul oil tlui
^- irt a {Tootl

1) ui) 1o b'"'-
III- tiisl luilil

must bo ac-
intciit;^ ail I
ic bi'^^iunlii'-r.
■bo in^vtM' iir-
,lt. IVlo^' is
llniik "— lu!
nan, vllb a
y i'urnitun',
tbree-b'i^Li;i''l
ers and tVa^--
ns, in \vbu-l>
»i\li/,i'd boil!',
.j;'s oi)inic)ns
; of proLrrcs-^
at no article

30(1 momiii:,%

o, not very—

~ly, bow be i^,
lundant tinu'
lis useless to
iclual. It i-<
do," puzzb s
jking a rep\y
llection. H'"^

bi'nd n)ay bo about to adie, nnd lio baa olber bu-plcious tVel-
ings.

•* rco|)l(; are always askin:^ mo bow T do, ami nii»i\' than
liairtlie tiriio I cafi't, tell - lliero's a <;ood many dill'^ rout st rts
of ways of toolini,' brtuixt an<l between ' Viry i?iol:, 1 lliank
you,' and ' Half dead, I'm ol)li;;ed to you;' and pi-oplo won't
htop to boar you oxi)laiii tlio matter. Tlioy want i\) know riLjlit
smaek, wlu-n you don'l know rij^lit smack yourself. Sotni'tinuvs
you fuel tlnni^s a-eomin^-, and Just after, you fool thini';^ a-,u;oin<,'.
And nobody's exaolly prinie all tbe while. I ain't, anyliow--
I'm kinder so just now, and I'm sorter t'otlur way just aft it.
—Then some people toll you that you look vory woll, when you
don't feel very well iiow thon ? "

At table I'eloj; is not exaetly sure what be "will take; and
sits lookini; slowly up and down tbe board, di'liboratiiiLC v hat
ho wouldliko, until tlio rost t>f tho eomiiany liavo linishcd their
ri'])ast, there being often nothing left whleh suits IVLi^'s hesi-
tating appetite.

Poleg has never married — not tbat be is averse to th»' eon-
nubial state — on tho contrary, be has a larL;e share of the sus-
ceptibilities, and is always partially in love. Hut fi'male
i)oautv is so various. At one time, Pelo": is ineliiiod to bo-
Jieve that perfection lios in (pieenly dignity -tht* majesty of an
o!npress tills bis dreams ; and he looks down with disdain upon
little people, lie calls tbein " squabs," in derogation. J3ul.
anon, in a more domestic mood, be thinks of tireside hapi)ini'2is
:;nd quiet bliss, declining from the epie poetry of loveliness, to
tho household wife, ^vho might be disposed to bring him bis
slippers, and to darn the bole in bis elbow. AVhoii in the
tragic vein, he fancies a brunette ; and wlien tbe sunshine is on
bis soul, blue eyes are at a premium. Should woman jjosscsh
tl:e lightness of a sylph, or should ber eliarms be of the more
solid architecture ? Ought ber countenance to beam i:i smiles,
or will habitual ])ensiveness be the more interesting':' Is
tjparkling brilliancy to be preferred to gentle sweetness ?

"Jf there wasn't so nuuiy of them 1 shouldn't bo so
botbered," said Pelog ; " or if they all looked alike, a man
couldn't help himself. But yesterday I wanted this one — to-
day I want tbat one ; and to-mori'ow I'll want t'otlior one ;
and bow can I tell, if 1 should get tins, or that, or t'other,
that it wouldn't soon be somebody else tbat I really wanted ?
That's the difficulty. It always happens so Avitli me. When
the lady's most courted, and thinks 1 ought to speak out, then
1 begin to be skeered. for fear I've made a mistake, and have
been thinking I loved her, when I didn't. 31ay be it's not the

271

Ti?^^TS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

ric:lit one — may ue she Avon't suit — may be I miglit do better
— maybe 1 had better not venture at ail. I wisli there wasn't
80 many 'may bes' about everything, especially in such afliiirs.
I've got at least a dozen unfinished courtships on hand already."

But all this happened a long time ago ; and Peleg has
gradually lost sight of his fancy for making an addition to his
household. A'ot that he has concluded, even yet, to remain a
bachelor. lie would be alarmed at tlie bare mention of such
an idea, lie could not consent to be shelved in that decisive
manner. 13ut he has subsided from active " looking around "
in pursuit of his object, into that calm, irresponsible submissive-
ness, cliaracteristic of the somewhat cULtIv bachelor, which
waits until she may chance to present herself spontaneously,
and "come along" of her own accord. "Some day — some
day,'' says Peleg ; " it will happen some day or other. What's
the use of being in a hurry ? "

Peleg W. Pender's great object is now ambition. His per-
sonal all'aii's are soniewliat embarrassed by his lack of enter-
prise ; and he hankers greatly for an ofhce. Eut which side to
join ? Ay, tiiere's the rub ! Who will purvey the loaf and
tlsh ? Por whom shall Peleg snout ?

Behold him as he puzzles over the returns of the State
elections, labouring in vain to satisfy his mind as to the result
in the presidential contest. Stupefied by figures — perplexed
by contradictory statements — bothered by the general hurrah ;
what can Peleg do ?

" Wlio's going to win ? That's all I want to know," ex-
claims the vexed Peleg ; " I don't want to waste my time a
blowing out for the wrong person, and never get a thank'e.
AVliat's the use of that ? There's Simpkins — says I, Simpkins,
sa>- J-, which is the party that can't be beat ? And Simplcins
turns up his nose and tells me every fool knows that — it's his
yide — so I hurrah for Simpkin's side as hard as I can. But
then comes Timpkins — Timpkins's side is t'other side from
Simpkins's side, and Timpkins offers to bet me three levies that
his side is tlie side that can't be beat. Hurrah ! says I, for
Timpkins's sid ^ ! — and then I can't tell which side.

" As for the newspapers, that's worse still. They not only
crow all round, but they cipher it out so clear, that both sides
must win, if there's any truth in the ciphering-book ; which
there isn't about election times. Wliat's to be done? I've
tried going to all the meetings — I've hurraed for everybody —
I've been m all the processions, and I sit a little while every
evening in all sorts of head-quarters. I've got one kind of
documents in one pocket, and t'other kind of documents in

THAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

2Tr.

lo better
'e wasn't
h afiains.
ilready."
cleg has
on to his
remain a
1 of sucli
b decisive
around "
bmissive-
3r, which
aneously,
ay — some
What's

His per-

of enter-

ich side to

) loaf and

tlie State
the result
perplexed
al hurrah ;

t'other pocket ; and as I go home at night, I sing one sort of
Hong as loud as I can bawl half of the way, and try another sort
of song tlie rest of the way, just to split the dillereiiee and
show my impartiality. If I only had two votes-.-a couple of
'em — how nice it would be.

" But the best thing that can be done now, I guess, as my
character is established both ways, is to turn in quietly till the
row is all over. Nobody will miss me when they are so busy ;
and afterward, when we know all about it, just look for Peleg
W. Ponder as he comes down the street, shaking people by the
hand, and saying how we have used them up. I can't say so
now, or I would — for I am not perfectly sure yet which is
* we,' or which is ' them.' Time enough when the election is

over

It will thus be seen that Ponder is a remarkable person.
Peter Schlemihl lost his shadow, and became memorably un-
liappy in consequence ; but what was his misfortune when
com[)ared with that of the man who has no side ? AVhat are
shadows if weighed against sides ? And Peleg is almost afraid
that he never will be able to get a side, so unlucky has he
been heretofore. He begins to dread tliat botli sides may be
defeated ; and then, let us ask, what is to become of him ?
Must he stand aside ?

»>

mow, ' ex-

my time a

I thauk'e.

Simpkius,

Simpkins

,t — it's his

can. But

side from

evies that

says

I, for

y not only
both sides
ok ; which
ne? I've
erybody —
hiie every
■le kind of
umeuts in

LY.

THE THIMBLE GAME.

Forty years ago, Augusta, Ga., presented a very different
appearance from the busy and beautiful city of the })r(*s!ent day.
Its groceries, stores, and extensive warehouses Avere few in
number, and the large quantities of cotton and other produce,
which are still conveyed thitlier, were transporte*., • ntirely by
waggons. Tlie substantial railroad, Avhich links it v Ith tlie
richest and most beautiful regions of the empire State of the
South, was a chimera, not yet conceived in the wild brain of
Fancy herself; and many of the improveuK'Tits, luxuries, and
refinements, which now make it the second city in the State,
were then "in the shell." Yet, by the honest veoinanrv of
forty years ago, Augusta was looked upon as Paris and London
are now viewed by us. The man who had iinrr been there
was a cipher in the community — i othing killed an opinion

276

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

more suroly, nothing stopped the mouth of "argymcnt" sooner
than the sneering taunt, — " Pshaw ! you ha'ii't been to Au-

The atmosphere of this favoured place was supposed to im-
part knowledge and wisdom to all who breathed it, and the
veriest ass was a Solon, and an umpire, if he could discourse
fluently of the difl'ereut localities, and various wonders, of
Augusty.

The farmers of the surrounding country paid a yearly visit
to Augusta, and having sold their " crap " of the great Southern
staple, and laid in their stock of winter necessaries, returned
home with something of that holy satisfaction with whicii the
pious IMohammedan turns his face homeward from Mecca. The
first step upon arriving in the city was to lay aside tlieir "c?op-
jjeras-co/oured,'' fabrics of the wife's or daughter's loom, and
purchase a new suit of "jy^or^-clothes."

These were immediately donned, and upon returning home
were carefully embalmed, nor again permitted to see the light
until the next Sunday at "meetin'," when the farmer, with
head erect and ample shirt-collar, strutted up the aisle, the lion
of the occasion, the " observed of all observers " till the next
Sabbath, when his neighbour returning with his new suit,
plucked oif his laurels and tv^ined them green and blooming
upon the crown of his own shilling beaver.

These annual trips were the event and era of the year, and
the farmer returned to his home big with importance and news.
The dishonesty and shrewdness of " tliem Gimblit fellers "
(Cotton-Buyers), the extorticms of hotel-keepers, the singular
failures of warehouse steelyards to make cotton-bales weigh
as much in Augusta as at home, the elegant apparel of the city
belles and beaux, and the sights and scenes which greeted their
astonished gaze, formed the year's staple of conversation and
discussion ; and it would be difficult to say who exj)erienced
the greater delight — tlie farmer in relating his wondrous ad-
ventures, or his wife and daughters in listening to them with
open mouths, uplifted hands, and occasional breathless ejacu-
lations of "Good Lord, look down!" "Oh! go away I" or,
" Shut up I " " You don't ses so ! "

Early in the fall of 18 — , Farmer AVilkins announced to
his son Peter, that as he, " his daddy," would be too busy to
make the usual trip in j^^'opria persona, he, Peter, must get
ready to go down to Augusty, and sell the " first load." Now
Ptler Wilkins, juii., a yuLing man just grown, was one of the
celebrities of which his settlement (neighbourhood) boasted.
He was supposed to. have cut his eye-teeth — to have shaken olf

TRAITS OF AMKRICAN HUMOUR.

277

' sooner
to Au-

d to inl-
and the
iiscourse
iders, of

irly visit
Southern
returned
diich the
cea. The
eir " cop-
oom, and

ing home
the light
iner, witli
e, the lion
. the next
new suit,
I blooming

year, and
and news,
fellers "
le singular
^les weigh
if the city
jeted their
Isation and
tperienced
lidrous ad-
;hem with
less ejacu-
kvayl" or,

lounced to
DO busy to

must get

Ld." Now

3ne of the

I) boasted.

shaken oif

that verdancy so common to young men; and while ho filled
up more than half his father's capacious heart, to the discom-
fiture of Mahaly (his mother), and Suke and Poll (his sisters),
he was the pet and darling of the whole nciglihourhood. An
only son, the old man doted upon him as a chip of the old
block, and was confident that Peter, in any emergency of trade,
traflic, or otherwise, would display that admirable tact, and
that attentive consideration for •' Xo. One," for which I\[r P.
"VVilkins, sen., was noted. A horse-swap with a Yankee, in
which Peter, after half an hour's higgling, found himself the
imdisputed owner of both horses and ten dollars boot, was the
corner-stone of his lame. Every trip to Augusta added another
block ; Siiid by the time Peter arrived at the years of discre-
tion, he stood upon a lofty structure with all the green rubbed
olf, the pride of his family and the universal favourite of his
acquaintances.

The night before his departure the family were all gathered
around the roaring fire, jNIrs and the Misses Wilkins engaged
in ironing and mending our hero's Sunday apparel, the old man
smoking his i)ipe, and occasionally preparing Peter for the ordeal
in Augusta, by wholesome advice, or testing his claim to the
tremendous confidence about to be reposed in him, by searching
questions, as to how he would do in case so-and-so was to turn
up. To this counsel, however, our hero j)ai(l less attention than
to the preparations making around him for his comely appear-
ance in the city. Nor, until he got upon the road, did he revolve
in his mind the numerous directions of his father, or resolve to
follow to the letter his solemn parting injunction to " bewar of
them gimblit fellers down to Augusty."

" Duru it," said he to himself, as the thought of being " sold "
crossed his mind, *' durn it, they'll never make gourds out o' me.
I've bin to Augusty Irjbrc, and ef 1 don't git as imich fur that
thur cotton as anybody else dose for thurn, then my name ain't
Peter AVilkins, and that's what the old 'oman's slam book says
it is."

Arrived in the city, he drove around to one of the warehouses,
and stood against the brick wall, awaiting a purchaser. Presently
a little man with a long gimblet in his hand came out, and bade
our hero a polite " Good morning."

" Mornin'," said Peter, with admirable coolness, as he deli-
berately surveyed the little man from head to foot, and withdrew
his eyes as if not pleased with his appearance.

The little man was dressed in the "shabby-genteel " style,
Ti costume much in vogue at- that day among men. of hi.s cloth,
as combining plainness enough for the country-folk, with sufii-

278

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

cient gentility to keep them on speaking terms with tlie more
fashionable denizens of the tlien metropolis. The little man
seemed in no way disconcerted by Peter's searching gaze, and a
eloso observer might liavo perceived a slight sinile on his lip, as
ho read the thonglits of our hero's bosom. His self-confidence,
his pride, his all'ected ease and knowing air, w'ere all compre-
hended, and ere a word had passed the lion knew well the
cliaractcr of his prey. In the purchase of the cotton, however,
the little man sought no advantage, and even offered our hero a
better price than any one else in the city would have given him.
'fo our hero's credit, be it said, he was not lotli to accept tho
offer ; 15 i cents was above the market by at least a quarter, and
the old man had told him to let it slide at fifteen rather than not
sell, so the bargain was closed, and our hero and the " Gimblit-
man " went out into the yard to settle.

Heating himself on a cotton-bale, the huycr counted out the
money, which our hero made safe in his pocket, after seeing that
it was "(7m//ym(9,"and tallied with the amount stated in the bill
of sale. A few sweet pills of flattery administered to our hero,
soon made him and the Gimblit-man sworn friends ; and it was
in consideration of his high regard, that the Gimblit-man con-
sented to initiate him into tlie mysteries of a certain game, yclept
*' Thimble Itig," a game which, our hero was told, would yield
him much sport, if successfully played up at home among the
hoys ; and would, when properly managed, be to him a never-
failing source of that desirable article, " pocket-change." To this
proposition our hero readily assented, delighted witli the idea of
playing off upon the boys up at home, who hadn't been to
August}'' ; and already began to revel in the visions of full pockets,
when, to his silent horror, the little man took from his pocket a
hundred-dollar bill, and very irreverently rolled it into a small
round ball.

Three thimhles were next produced, and the game-hegan.

"Now," said the little man, ''I am going to hide this little
ball under one of these thimbles, all before your eyes, and I
want you to guess where it is."

" Well," said Peter, "go it — I'm ready," and the shifting
game begun.

To the apparent astonishment of the little man, our hero
guessed right every time. Is'o matter how rapid the changes,
Peter invariably lifted the thimble from the ball, and liad begun
to grow disgusted with the game, little dreaming how soon ho
w^as to ])rove its efficacy as a source of revenue, when the little
man suddenly checked his hand.

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

270

the more
ittle mail
aze, and a
his lip, as
on fide nee,
1 compre-
well the
, however,
)ur hero a
;iven him.
iccept the
artcr, and
r tlum not
' Gimblit-

?d out the
iceing that
in the bill
our hero,
[ind it was
-man con-
nie, yclept
ould yield
iiiiong the

I a never-
" To this
tlie idea of

been to

II pockets,
s pocket a
to a small

i-be£ran.
this little
yes, and I

le shifting

our hero
changes,
lad begun
w soon he
. the little

" Wrong," said he, with a friendly smile; *' the ball is nut
under tlie middle thimble, but under that next you."

" Darned et' it is though ! " responded Peter ; " I ain't as
green as you 'Gusty folks thinks. Blamed ef 1 don't know whar
tliat ball is jist as well as you does, and dod-drapped ef 1 don't
bet four hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents (the price of
the cotton) agin the load o' cotton, that it's under the middle
thimble."

"No, Sir,'' said the little man, with another smile, "you
are wrong, and I'd hate to win your money."

That smile deceived Peter — it manifested a friendly con-
sideration for his welfare, which he felt he did not need, and
afier bullying the " Gimblit-man " for a few minutes, he suc-
ceeded in inveigling him (as he thought) into a bet, which was
duly closed and sealed, to the entire satisfaction of his J'rinul!
Alas for j)oor Peter! he had awakened the wrong passenger.
But the idea of being too smart for an Augusty feller, and ho
was sure he had cornered one this time, was too great a tempt-
ation for him to withstand.

" Drot it," said he to himself, "I seen him put it under
that ere middle thimble, I seen it myself, and I know it's tl-.ar,
and why not win the old man's cotton back when it's jest as
easy as nothin' ? And ef I do win it, whv in course the old
man can't claim more'n four hundred and fifty-one dollars no-
how\" (Peter forgot that the profits to be realized ought of
course to belong to the owner of the capital invested.) *' The
time me and that Yankee swapped critters, warn't I thar?
Hain't I cut my gums? Don't the old man, yes, and all the
settlement, say I'm smart, and then thar's Kitty Brown, I
reckon she ort to know, and don't she say I'm the peertest
feller in our parts ? I've bin to Augusty, and this time, dod-
drapped ef I don't leave, my mark."

The result we need hardly relate. Peter was tempted —
tempted sorely, and he fell. Sick at heart, he ordered Bob,
the driver, to turn his mules homeward, and late on Saturday
evening he entered the lane which led to his father's house.
The blow^ was now to come ; and some time before the wa<]:gon
got to the house, Peter saw his fatlier, and mother, and sisters
coming out to meet him. At last they met.

"Well, son," said the old man, ''I s'pose you've been
well?"

Here Mrs Wilkins and the gals commenced hugging and
kissing Peter, which he took very coldly, and with the air of a
man who felt he was getting a favour which he didn't deserve.

280

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"Reasoniibly well," said Peter, in reply to his father's
question ; " but I've lo;^t it."

" Lost wluit ? " said Km father.

" Lost ^7."

" Lost tlic dockyments ? " said the okl man.

"No, hej-o they arc," said Peter, lianding the papers con-
taining the Aveights of his cotton, to his father, who began to
read, })artlv aloud, and partly to himself:

"'Eigllt bags of cotton— 350— 100— 318— 550— 317— 15 i
cents a pound — sold to Jonathan Earker.' Very good sale,"
said he ; " 1 knowed you'd fix things rite, Peter."

The waggon by this time had reached the house, and turn-
ing to Bob, the old man told him to put the molasses in the
cellar, and the sugar and colfee in the house.

" Ain't got no 'lapses, Massa," said Bob, grinning from ear
to car.

" No," said Peter, "we havn't got none; we lost it."

"Lost it! ITow on airth could you lose a barrel of mo-
lasses ? "

" A\"c never had it," said Bob.

"Heavens and airth!" said the old man, turning first to
Bob, and llien to Peter, " what do you mean ? What do you
mean ? What, irJiat, w-h-a-t in the d-e-v-i-1 do you mean ? "

" Gracious, Marster ! Mr "Wilkins, don't swar so," said
his wile, by way of helping Peter out.

^' tSicar ! '' said the farmer, "do you call that swarring?
Darned cf I don't say wussin that d'reeley, ef they don't toll
me what they mean."

"AVhy, lather," said Peter, "I've lost it. I've lost the
money."

" Well, and couldn't you find it? "

"I didn't lose it that way," said Peter.

"You ain't been a gamblin' I hopes;" said the old man;
"you ain't been runnin' agin none of them Pharo banks down
to An gusty, is you ? "

" Bring me three thimbles," said Peter, " and I'll show you
how I lost it."

The thimbles were brought, and Peter sat down to explain.
It was a scene for a painter • there sat our hero, fumbling with
the thimbles and the ball, but too much frightened to have per-
formed the trick if he had known how; his father sat next
liim, with his chin upon his hands, looking as if undecided
whether to reprimand him at once, or to give him a " fair
showin'." Mrs AVilkins stood just behind her husband, wink-
ing and. smiling, gesturing and hemming, in order to attract

TKAITS OF A^IElilCAN IIUMOUU.

2S1

3 father'.^

ipers con-
) bt'gaii to

-317— 15i

ood sale,"

and turii-
ssea in tlio

S from ear

: it."

Tol of mo-

ing first to
hat do you
mean r
r so," said

swarriuij; ?
y don't li;!!

ve lost the

old man;
)anks down

1 show you

to explain,
bling with

have per-

r sat next
undecided

im a *'iair
and, "«\' ink-
to ajttract

Peter's attention, and indicate to him her wllh'nc^ness to stand
bet\vt'eM him and hia lather. The p;irls, wlio always ai(k'd with
their mother, followed her example in this ease, l^iit their
elibrts to attract his attention wore useless ; they eould not
even catch his eye, so busy was he in trying to arrange tho
ball and thimbles ; bnt every time he got them fixed, and told
his i'ather to guess, the old man would guess right, which, while
it astonished Peter, incensed the old man against him. It
looked so easy to him, that he eould nut help " blaming Peto
fur bein' sich a fool."

" Nhorely," said the farmer, after Peter had finished his ex-
planation — " shorely it am' t possible that you've bin to Augusty
no ojlcn, and didn't know no better. Didn't I tell you not to
have nothin' to do with them GivihlU Fellers ? Th^u' ain't one
of 'em honest, not one. Like a fool, you've gone and lost jest
four hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents. It ain't the
mnnny that I keers for, Peter, it's you bein' sich a iooX—four
hundred ami J!Jli/-one dollars no cents. I'll go rite down to
Augiisty next 31onday, and find this here Barker, and ef he
don't give up the munny, I'll have a saj/ so (ca. sa.) taken
agin him, and march him rite olf to gaol — no deaf-allication
about that. The theaviu' rascal, gwine aboui: cheetin' people's
sons outen four hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents ? ilow
often is you bin to Angusty, Peter ? "

"Sixteen times," said Peter.

" AVell, I declare," said the old man ; " bin to Angusty six-
teen times, and didn't know no better tlian to go thar agin and
lose four hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents ! "

Early on Monday morning the old man started to Augusta
with another load of cotton ; Bob driving as before, and his
master riding his gray mare " Bets." Mr Wilkins had a great
many little commissions to execute for his wife and the gals.
The old lady wanted a pair of spectacles, and the gals a bonnet
each — ribbons and flowers, thread, buttons, &c., had to be pur-
chased, and the good farmer was nearly crazed by the loss he
had met with, and the multiplicity of things to be attended to.
Ever and anon, as he trotted along the road, he would mutter to
himself somethinir as follows :

" Leghorn bonnet for Sal — 12 skeins of flax thread — 2
dozen pearl buttons for pants — one gross horn buttons I'or
shirts — 5 grass petticoats — 100 pounds coli'ee — 151 dollars no
cents — Jonathan Barker — bin to Augusty sixteen times — 1
bolt kaliker — Pete's a fool — lost one barrel of molasses and
151 dollars no cents."

With such words as these he would while away the time,

2bi

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Apparently unconscious of tho presence of Bob, wlio wns much
diverted by his master's soliloquy. As they approached Au-
gusta, his wrath seemed to iucreuse, and he vented his spleen
ou his old mare and Bob.

"Bob," said he, "you dad-dratted -"ascal, why don't you
drive up ? you don't do nothin' but set thar and sleep.

" Ta!ce that, and Ihaf, and that, he would say to his mare,
accompanying each word with a blow; "_y<!^ vp^ Miss, and (jo
long to August i/^

When they had come in sight of Augusta, Bob struck a
camp, and his master rode on into town. Having eaten his
supper, and put up his horse, he retired for the night, and
early in the morning started out to look for Jonathan Barker.
He caused not a little laughter as he walked along the streets,
relating hia troubles, and in(j[uiring of everybody for Jonathan
Barker.

"AVliere's Jonathan Barker," he would cry out, "the
Gimblit I'eller what cheeted Pete out'u 451 dollars no ceuts.
Jes show me Jonathan Barker."

As a last hope, he went around to the warehouse, where
his son had lost the cotton. Walking out into the yard, he
bawled out the name of Jonathan Barker. A little man, with
a l'^i3g gimlet in his hand, answered to the name, and our farmer
attacked him as follows :

" Look a here, Mr Barker, I wants that money.'*

" What money r* " said Barker, who had no acquaintance
whatever with the farmer; " what money is it, Sir ? "

" Oh no," said the old man, perfectly furious at such bare-

faced asbarance. " Oh no ! you don't know nuthin now.
Blame your picter, you're as innersent as a lam'. Don't know
what munny I meeii / It's that four hundred and iifty-one
dollars, and no ceuts, what you cheeted Pete out'n."

" I recollect now," said Barker, "that was fairly done. Sir;
if you'll just step this way, I'll show you how I got it. Sir."

A bright idea struck the old man.

"I've seen Pete play it," thought he to himself, "and I
g\iessed rite every time.

" Well," said he, " I'll go and see how it was dun, enny-
how."

The two walked along to the same bale of cotton which had
witnessed the game before, and the gimlet man took the iden-
tical thimbles and ball which had served him before, from his

} farmer to be seated also.

pock(

requestuig
Now, Sir," said Barker, " when your son Avas here, I

bought his cotton, and paid him for it: just as he was going

TUAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

283

10 wfi3 mucVt
roaclit-'d Au-
;d bis spleen

y don't you

loop.

to his marc.

Miss, and go

3ob Btruck a

11 g eiitou Ilia
le night, and
itlum Barker,
irr the streets,
lor Jonathan

ry out, "the
ihvra no cents.

ehouse, where
;o the yard, he
ttle num, with
and our farmer

ey."

) acquaintance

ir?"

at such bare-
mifhin now.
Don't know
and fifty -one

n."

lirly done, Sir ;
got it, Sir."

imself, "and I

t\as dun, enny-

)tton which had
took the iden-
)efore, from his
be seated also,
m Avas here, I
13 he was going

away, I proposed showing him a trick worth seeing. I took
this little ball, and put it under this middle tliimble.

" • Now,' said I to him, 'you see it, and now you don't see
it ; and I'll bet you you can't tell where the little joker is.' "

" Well," said the farmer, " all's rite — the ball's now under
the middle thimble."

"When I had put it under there," continued Barker,
'your sou wanted to bet me that it was under the middle
thimble."

" So it is," said the old man, interrupting him.

"No," returned Barker, " it's under the one next you."

" I tell you it ain't," said Mr AVillcins, who strongly advo-
cated the doctrine that " seeing is believi- r."

He was sure he was right, and now a chance prcaented it-
self of regaining his former load of cotton.

" I tell you it ain't. I'm harder to head than Pete wus,
and blamed ef I don't bet another load o' cotton, tliat's at the
dore by this time."

"You are mistaken," said Barker, smiling; "but if you
wish it, I'll bet."

" Let's understand one nnthor fust," said the farmer.
" You say that ere little ball you had jes now, ain't under the
little thimble i); the middle — I say it is. Ef it ain't, I'm to
give you the load o' cotton — ef it is, you're to give me four
hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents.''

" Exactly so," said Barker.

"Well, I'll bet," said the farmer, " and here's my hand."

The bet was sealed, and with a triumphant air which he but
poorly concealed, the farmer snatched up the middle thimble,
but no ball was there.

" AVell, I'll be dod drapt ! " he exclaimed, at the same time
drawing a long breath, and dropping the thimble. " Derned ef
it's thar ! Eour hundred and fifty-one dollars no cents gone
figin ! Heven and airth, what'll Mahaly and the gals say ! I'll
never heer the eend of it tel I'm in my grave. Then thar's Pete !
Gee-mi-my ! jest to think o' Pete — fur him to know his ole daddy
wus made a fool of too ! four hundred and fifty-one dollars no
cents ! but I wouldn't keer that for it," snapping his fingers, " ef
it wern't fur Pete."

The Gimblit man reminded our frierrd of tlie result of his bet,
by telling him that the sooner he unloaded the better.

" Now you ain't, shore nuft', in year nest, ^'* said the old man.

"Dead earnest," returned Barker.

" AVell, stranger," added our friend, " I'se a honest man and
stands squar up to my contracts."

2S1

TUAITS OF AMEUICAN IIUMOI'JI.

"With this ho had his carp;o diacliarjrtHl into tho strict, nm\
or(loriii«; Hob to drivo on, lie inouiitcd his inaro, and set out for
liomo witli a lieavicir lieurt than lio had over known bi'torc.
'Twero uhcIcss to attempt a description ol' llio sci-iio whii'lj
transj)irod on tlio iarincT's return home. Tho lirst words ho
littered were, " JVte, durned td' 1 liain't lost it too." The mis-
Jortwiies of liis trip were soon all told, al'U'r whit;h Peter and
Jn's liither wisely resolved never to hot on anything again, espo-
cially "them blamed Yankee Thimbles."

It is not to bo supposed that Mrs Wilkins, Peto, or the gala,
could lielp teasing the old man occasionally on tlu; result of hia
iv\\). Whenever he became refractory, \\h wife would stick her
thimble on the ei.d on her tiiig(U', and hold it up for him to look
at — it acted like a charm. His misadventure, too, raised higher
llian ever his opinion of the cunning and sagacity of 'them
Amjmtij J'vUcrx I "

A few years succeeding tho events which wo have attempted
to narrate, and Farmer Wilkins was gathered to his fathers ; but
Iiis trip to Augusta is still preserved as a warning to all honest
and simple-hearted people. The last words of tho old man to
his son were :

" Peter, Peter, my son, always be honest, never forgit your
olo daddy, and alters lewar of them (jlimblit iellers, down to
Aiiynshjy

lieader ! every talc has its moral, nor is ours Avithout one.
Not only did Peter learn from his adventure in Augusta, the
evils of betting, but ever since the time to which we have
alluded, he always allows his factor to sell his cotton for him.
"Whatever you may think of it, both Peter and his father came
to the conclusion that there was " no use in tryin' to get the
upper hand of one o' them GimblU fellers dotoi to Awjasiy^

10 sfnot, anil
1(1 Hi't out for
lowii bi't'orc.
HCfiu; ^v■lli^l^
I'st words Ik;
." Tlu; mis-
c\i Peter Jind
1^ agaiu, espu-

0, or thcf];ala,
u result of his
)iiUl Htick her
r him to h)ok
raised hijj;lier
.'ity of " ihem

ave attempted
s fatlierri ; but
;• to all honest
le old mail to

or forfeit your
Herts, down to

Avithout one.
Augusta, the
ic'h we have
)tton for him.
is father came
an' to get the
Auuiidij.^^

TKAli'S OF AMERICAN llUMUUi:.

285

LVI.

» MIKE IIOOTKU'S BAR STORY.

A YAZOO bKliXC^H.

biiowim; how tih; heau ocTWiXTEi) \kv: ii.vMnEUM.v.

in A MISSOUUIAN,

" It's no use talkin'," said Mike, " 'bout your Polar "Har, ami
your Grisly liar, and all that sort er varmont what you read
about. They ain't no whar, for the big black customer that
circumlocutes down in our neck o' woods beats 'em all hollow.
I've heard of some monsus explites kicked Uj) by the brown bars,
sich as totein off a yoke o' oxen, and eatin' humans raw, and all
that kiud o' thing; and Capten Parry tells us a yarn 'bout a
big white bar, what 'muses hisself climin' up the North Pole
and slides down to keep his hide warm ; but all that ain't a cir-
cumstance to what I've saw.

"You see," continued ■Mike, "there's no countin' on them
varmonts as I's boon usoni^d to, for they comes as near bein'
human critters as anything I ever see what doesn't talk. Why,
if you was to hear anyboily else tell 'bout the bar- lights I've
had, you wouldn't b'leeve 'em, and if I wasn't a preachei*, and
could not lie none, I'd keep my fly-trap shot 'tell the day of
judgment.

" I've heard folks say as how bars cannot think like other
human critters, and that they does all the sly tricks what they
does, from instink. Golly ! what a lie ! You tell me one of 'em
don't know when you've got a-gun, and when you aiu't ? Just
wait a minit, an' my privit 'pinion is, when you've hcarn me thro'
you'll lalk t'other side of your mouth.

" You see, one day, long time ago, 'fore britches come in
fashion, I made a 'pointment with Ike Hamberlin the steam
doctor, to go out next Sunday to seek whom we couldn't kill, a
bar, for you know bacon was skace, and so was money, and them
fellers down in Mechanicsburg wouldn't sell on tick, so we had
to 'pend on the varmints for a livin'.

"Speakin'of Mechanicsburg, the people down in chat ar mud-
hole ain't to bo beat nowhere this side o'Christmas. I've beam
o' mean folks in my time, an' I've preached 'bout 'em a few ;
but ever sense that feller, Bonyel, sold me a piut of red eye-

2SG

TllAITS OF AMKKICAN IIITMOUR.

•wlnskcy — 'an lialt'ov it backer juice — for a 'coon-skin, :in' Ihcii
^\iv \m) H brass picayuno I'lir clianj^i', i'vo stopped talkiti'.
Why, that chap uas closer than the bark on a hickory tree ; an'
of 1 hadn't liearn J'arson Dilly say so, I'd ov swore it wasn't er
fact, he was cotcii one day sti'alin' acorns iVoni a blind ho^. Did
von (!ver hear how tliiit hoss-lly died? Well, never mind. U
was too bad to talk 'bout, but heap too f^ood I'or him.

" JJut tlKit ain't what 1 was spoutin' 'bout. Aa I was sayin'
afore, we had to 'pend on the varmints fur a livin'. Well, Ike
llamberiin, you yee, was always sorter juboua o' me, kase 1 kilt
more bur nor he did ; an', as 1 was savin', 1 made a 'pointment
■with Ike to go out huntin'. Then, Jke, lu; thouy;ht he'd be
kinder smart, and beat ' Old Preach ' (as them Cole boys useii
to call me), so, as soon as day crack he hollered up his puppies,
an' put! I spied what he was 'bout, fur i hearn him lallin' to
one o' his ni'j;L;era 'bout it the ni,i',ht afore — so I told my j^al Sal
to fdl my private tickhT full o' the old 'raw,' and then fixed up
an' tramped on arter liim, but didn't take none o' my dogs.

" Ike hadn't j;ot fur into the cane 'fore the dogs they 'pan
to whine an' turn np the bar on their backs ; an', bime-by,
Ihoy all tucked tail, an' sorter sidled l)ack to war he was stan-
in'. 'JSickhim!' sava Ike, but the cussed critters wouldn't
hunt a lick. I soon diskivcred what was the matter, for I
kalkilated them curs o' hisn wasn't worth shucks in a bar light
— so, I know'd thar was bar 'bout, if 1 didn't see no sine.

" AV^ell, ]ke ho coaxed the dogs, an' the more he coaxed the
more they wouldn't go, an' when he found coaxin' wouldn't
do, then he scolded and called 'em some of the hardest names
ever you hearn, but the tarnation critters wouldn't budge a

peg.

" When he found they wouldn't hunt nohow he could fix
it, he begin a cussin'. He didn't know I was thar. If he had er
suspicioned it, he'd no more swore than he'd dar'd to kiss my
iSal on er washin' day ; for you see both on us belonged to the
aaiue church, and Ike was class-leader. I thought 1 should er
liummuxed ! The dogs they sidled bad", an' Ike he cussed ;
an' I hiy down an' rolled an' laughed sorter easy to myself, 'til
I was so full I thort I should er bust my biler. 1 never see
enny thing so funny in all my lite! There was I layin' down
behind er log, tit to s])lit, an' there was the dogs with their
tails the wrong eend down, and there was Ike a rarin' an' er
pitchin' — er rippin' an' er tarrin' — an' er cussin' wua nor a steam-
boaL cap'n! 1 tell you it fairly made my bar stan' on eend.
I never see er customer so riled afore in all my born days.
Yea I did .too, once — only once. It was that feller Arch

nltin, jm' then
ppcd talkiii'.
Ivory trco ; an'
•(; it, wasn't cr
liiul ho^'. Diil
/or mind. It
liiin.

a I was say in'
'. AV('ll,"llvc
me, Ivasc; 1 kilt,
» a 'pointmenl
)u^dit ho'd be

,\)lo b0V« UHIMI

p his puppu'H,
I him lulliu' to
:old my ^al Sal
Ulu'ii llxcd iij)
)' my dogH.
dogH they 'ffun
; an', bime-by,
ir lie was stnn-
tters wouldn't
matter, for I
s in a b;ir tight
no sine.
ho coaxed the
xin' wouldn't
Kirdest names
dn't budge a

»w he could fix
It* he had er

ir'd to kiss my
■lorip,ed to the
it 1 should QV
ke he cussed ;
to myself, 'til
1 never see
I layin' down
ogs with their
rarin' an' er
ua nor a steani-
stan' on eend.
my born days,
it' feller Arch

TRAITS OF AMKRICAN ilUMOUU.

2S7

(^oony, what used to oversoo for old Tien Koach. IVidn't yon
know that ar' hosslly ? IIc'h a frw ! well lie is. Ji'\vhillik«'n,
how he couhl whip er ni}:;.';er! and swar! whew! Didn't you
ever hear him swar? 1 tell yon, nil the sailors and i'Vench
parrots in Orleans ain't a jmtchin' to him. 1 hearn him let
hisself ont one day, nnd ho was a caution to sinners, an' what
was wuM, it was all 'bout nothin', for he warn't mud a wrinkle.
But all that ain't neither here nor thar.

'' IJut, as I was say in' afore, the (lo;^'s they snudt bar sine, an'
wouldn't bnd;j;e a pcij^, an arter \\w had altuost cussed the hark
olf'n a do;jf-woo(l sM[)lin' by, he lent his old Mint-lock rifle up
a2;in it, and then he pealed off his old blanket an' laid her
down too. I diskivered mischief was er cumin', for f never
se(5 a criiU»r show rathy like he did. Torectlv I see him walk
down to the creek bottom, 'bout fifty yards from where his gun
was, and tiien he 'gin ])iekin' up roeks an' slingin' um at the
dogs like bringer ! Cracky! didn't he liukit into um ? It
minded me of David whalin' Goliah, it did! Jf you'd er seed
liiin, and hearn then^' holler, you'd er thought he'd er knocked
the nigh sites olV'n every mother's son of 'em!

" But that ain't tlie fun yet. AVhilo Ike was er lanunin'
iho dogs, I hearn the alKiredest craekin' in the cane, an' I
looked up, and thar was one of the eternalist Avhollopin' bara
cummin' crack, crack, through the cane an' kerslesh over the
creek, and stopped right plumb slap up whar Ike's g\ni was.
Torectly he tuck hohl er the olc shooter, an' I thought I see
liim tinkerin' 'bout the lock, an' kinder whistliu', ami blowiu'
into it. 1 was 'stonished, I tell you, but I wanted to see Iko
outdono so bad that I lay low and kep' dark, an' in about a
minit Ike got done lick in' the dogs, an' went to git his gun.
Jeemenv, criminy! if you'd only been wdiar I was! I do
think Ike was the maddest man that ever stuk an axe into a
tree, for his har.^stuck rite strait up, and his eyes glared like
two dogwood blossoms ! But the bar didn't seem to care shucks
for him, for he jist sot the old rifle rite back agin the saplin,'
and walked off on his hind legs jist like any human. Then,
you see, 1 gin to git sorter jelus, and sez I to myself, ' Mister
Bar,' sez I, 'the place whar you's er stanin' ain't prezactly
healthy, an' if you don't wabble off from thar purty soon,
?ilizis Bar will be a widder, by gum ! ' With that, Ike grab-
bed up olc Mizis KiHe, and tuk most pertickler aim at him,
and by hokey, she snapped! ^Now, sez I, ' Mister ]5ar, go it,
or he'll make bacon of you ! ' But the vr.rruut didn't wink,
but stood still as a post, with the thumb of his right ])aw on
t!i6 eend of his smeller, and wijrlin' his t'other finirer thus,"

288

TKATTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

(and IMIke -went througli with the p^yratlon). '" All this timo
Iko ho stood thar like a fool, or snappiii' and cr siiappiii', an'
the har ho lookin' kicder quarc like, out cr the corner o' his
eye, an' sorter laffin' at him. Torectly I sec Ike take down
the ole shooter, an' kinder kersamine tlio loelv, an' wjjen he
done that, ho laid her on his shoulder, and shook liis fist at tlie
har, and walked toward home, an' the bur he shuk his fist, an'
wont into the cane brake, and then I cum off."

Here all the Yazoo boys expressed great anxiety to know
the reason why lice's gun didn't lire.

"Let's lickcr fust," said Mik, "an' if you don't caterpillar,
you can shoot nie. AVhy, you see," concluded he, "tlie long
and short of it is this, that the bar in our neck o' woods has a
little human in um, and this feller know'd as niuchal)out a gun
as I do 'bout preachin' ; so when Ike was lick in' the dogs, he
jest blowod all the powder outen the pan, an' to niiike all sale,
he tuk the ilint out too, and that's the way he wurn't skcored
when Ike was snappin' at him."

LVII.

COUSIX GUS3.

"Well, how do dew ? I'm right glad to see you, I swow.
I rather guess 1 can say suthin' about the lie coin (ion business,
purty good varsiou, tew, by jingo. My lather, old Josh A ddams,
had his hst in it : any on you know him ? Old Josh Addams,
OS well known as the Schuvlkill water-works, lie was born in
Boston : he didn't die there, 'cause he died in Philadelphia, He
used to wear an old genuine '70 coat, little cut down to suit the
fashion, made it a razee. One might have known the old man
a mile off. If it hadn't been for Cousin Guss, he'd have been
livin' to this ere day. You may see Guss in Chestnut Street
— any of you know him ? — dressed like a peacock, and got
whiskers big enough to stuff a sofa bottom. He went down
t'other day to see the wild beasts in 5tli street ; jest as he was
coniin' away, he met a hull squad of little children a coinin' in :
when they saw Cousin Guss, if they didn't squeal like ten
thousand devils. The old man says, what's the matter, young
ones ? Oh dear, papa, see, they've let one of the monkeys loose.
Cousi 1 Guss didn't show his face in Chestnut Street forr week.
Guss tolled the old man he must have his coat cut again, and

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

2S0

U tliia time
lappiii', ail'
)iMier o' his

tulco down
i' when he
3 ilst jit the

hid fist, an'

}ty to know

3 caterpillar,
0, "the long
woods has a
ahout a gun
the dogs, ho
Kike all safe,
irn't skeered

yon, I swow.
'ion business,
osh A ddams,
osh Addams,
was born in
lolphia. _ He
xn to suit the
the old man
d have been
.stnut Street
ock, and got
went down
st as he was
a coniin' in:
ueal like ten
natter, young
onkeys loose,
et for r week.
;ut again, and

altered to the fashion ; so he eoaxed old Josh to let him take it
down to his artist, as he called him, down in 8rd street. AVell,
tlie good-natured old critter said he might : when he got it back,
sich a lookin' thing as it was, you might have fallen down and
worshipped it, without breaking the ten commandments. AVHiou
we saw it, we all lart'ed; sister Jedide, she snickered right out.
The old man looked at it for about a minute, didn't say a word,
by jingo — the tears rolled out of his eyes as big as hail-stones.
He jest folded it up, put it under his pillow, laid himself down
on the bed, and never got up again : it broke his heart : he died
from a curtailed coat.

" The old man used to tell sich stories about the devolution.
I rather guess he could say a leetle more about that atfair thnn
most folks. 'Bout six years ago he went to Boston, when Ijii
Payette was there ; they gave a great dinner at Fanueil Hall.
"When the Mayor heard old Josh Addams was in Boston, he
sent him a regular built invitation. The old man went, ami
wore the '7G coat, — that is, before it was cut down, though. By-
and-by they called upon the old man for a toast. Up he got, and,
says he,

" ' Here's to the Heroes of the Eevolution, who fought, bled,
and died for their country, of which 1 was one.'

" When old Josh said that, they all snickered right out.

" There's one story the old man used to tell about Boston,
that was a real snorter : he always used to laugh afore he
begun.

"He said, down on Long Wharf there was a queer little
feller — a cousin of his by the mother's side — called Zedekiah
Hales, who wasn't more than four foot high, and had a hump
jest between his shoulders. A hull squad oi' British olHcers got
round Zedekiah, in State Street, and were laughing and poking
all sorts of fun at him : he bore it, cause as how he couldn't help
it ; one of them, a regular built dandy captain, lifting up his
glass, snid to him,

" ' You horrid little deformed critter, what's that lump you've
got on your shoulder r* '

" Zedelnah turned round and looked at him for about a
minute, and says he,

tarnal fe

yoi

290

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

LVIII.

TlliE GANDER-PULLTNO.

Tx the year , I resided in the city of Augusta, and upon

visiting the Market-House one morning in that year, my atten-
tion was called to the following notice stuck upon one of the
pillars of the building :

" ADVURTYSEMENT.

"Thos woo wish To be inform hearof, is hearof notyfide that
odwd. Prator will Giv a Gander pullin', jis tliis side of harisburg,
on Satterday of thes pressent munth, to All woo niout wisli to
partak tharof

"e. Prator — thos wishin' to partak will cum yearly, as the
pullin' will begin Soon. — E. P."

If I am asked why " jis this side of harisburg" was selected
for the promised feat, instead of tiie city of Augusta, J answer
from conjecture, but with some confidence, because the ground
chosen was near the central point between four rival towns, the
citizens of all which "mout wish to partak tharof," namely,
Augusta, Springfield, Harrisburg, and CV.mpbelltown. jS'ot that
each was the rival of all the others, but that tlie first and last
were competitors, and each of the others backed the pretensions
of its nearest neighbour.

Harrisburg sided with Campbelltown, not because she had
any interest in seeing the business o/'the tiro States centre upon the
bank of the river, nearly opposite to her, but because, like the
" Union democratic republican })arty of Georgia," she thought,
after the adoption of the Federal Constitution, that the several
towns of the confederacy should no longer be "separated" by
the distiru'tion of local party ; that laying down all former pre-
judices and jealousies as a sacrifice on the altar of their country,
they should become united in a single body, for the maintenance
of those principles which they deemed essential to the public
welfare,

Springfield, on the other hand, espoused the State rights'
creed. She admitted that, under the federal compact, she
ought to love the sister States \i.'vy mucli ; but that, under the
social compact, she ouglit to love her own State a little more ;

sp
Si;
th
an

re;

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

291

1, and upon

?, my atten-

oue of the

otyfide that
)t* harisburg,
lOut Avish to

earlv, as the

was selected
ita, J answer
e the ground
al towns, the
of," namely,
n. Kot that
irst and last
pretensions

use she had
litre irpon the
Luse, like the
she thought,
it the several
parated" by
1 former pre-
heir country,
maintenance
o the public

State rights'
compact, she
lat, under the
little more;

and she thonglit the two compacts ])erfectly reconcilable to
each other. Instead of the towns of the several States getting
into single bodies to preserve the public welfare, her doctrine
was that they should be kept in separate bodies to preserve
the private welfare. Slie admitted frankly, that living as she
had always lived, right amidst gullies, vapours, logs, creeks, and
lagoons, slie was wiiolly incapable of comprehending that ex-
pansive kind of benevolence which taught her to love people
whom she knew nothing about, as much as her next-door
neighbours and friends. Until, therefore, she could learn it
from tiie practical operation of the federal compact, siie would
stick to tiie old-fashioned Scotcii love, which she understood
perfectly, and "go in" for ^\ugusta, live or die, hit or miss,
riglit or wronjj.

As in tlie days of ]\Ir Jefferson, the Springfield doctrines
prevailed, Campbelltown was literally nuUiJied: insonnich,
tiiat ten years ago there was not a house left to mark the spot
where once tlourished this active, busy little village. Those
who are curious to know where Springfield stood, at the time
of which 1 am speaking, have only to take their pooition at the
intersection of Jiroad and ]Manbury Streets, in the city of
Augusta, and they will be in the very heart of old Springfield.

Between llarrisburg and Springfield, and eleven hundred
and forty-three yards from the latter, there runs a stream which
may be perpetual. At the time just mentioned, it flowed be-
tween banl<s twelve or fourteen feet high, and was then called,
as it still is, " Hawk's dully."

jS'ow Mr Prator, like the most successful politician of the
present day, was on all sides in a doubttul contest ; and accord-
ingly he laid off his gander-pulling ground on the nearest suit-
able unappropriated spot to tlie centre point between Spring-
field and llarrisburg, This was between Jlairisburg and
Hawk's Gullv, but within one hundred vards of Harrisburi;.

AV^hen " Satterday of the ])ressent munth" rolled round, I
determined to go to the gander-pulling, WMien 1 reached the
spot, a considerable number of persons of difi'erent ages, sexes,
sizes, and complexions, had collected from the rival towns, and
the country around. JUit few femal s were there, however,
and those lew were from the lowest walks of life.

A circular path, of about forty yards in diameter, had al-
ready been laid out ; over which, from two j)Osts about ten i'cct
apart, stre4:ched a n)pc, the middle of which was dii-ectly over
the path. The rope hung loosely, so as to allow it, with the
weight of a gander attached to it, to vibrate in an arc of four

<f . •

292

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

or five feet span, and so as to bring tlie breast of tlie pfandcr
within barely easy reach of a man of middle stature, upon a
horse of common size.

A hat was now handed to such as wished to enter the lists,
and tliey threw into it tweuty-iive cents each ; this sum was
the victor's prize.

Tlie de\'oted gander was now produced ; and Mr Prator,
having tied his feet together with a strong cord, proceeded to
the n('ck-greasi))(f. Abhorrent a.s it may be to all who res[)ect
the tenderer relations of life. Mrs Prator had actually prepared
a gourd oi' f/oo,s'e-(/ reuse for this very ])ur])ose.

For myself, when I saw Ned dip iiis hands into it, and
commence stroking down the feathers, from breast to head, my
tiiou'dds took a melancholv turn. Thev dwelt in sadness
upon tlie many conjugal felicities which had probably been
sliju'ed between the greasess and the grease. I could see him,
as he stood by her side, through many a chilly day, and cheer-
less night, when she was warming into life the olfspring of tlieir
mutual loves, and repelled, with chivalrous spirit, every inva-
sion of the consft-rated spot which she had selected for her in-
cub;ition. I could see him moving, with patriarchal dignits",
by the side of his loved one, at the head of a smiling, prattling
group, the rich reward of tlieir mutual care, to the luxuries of
the meadow, or the recreations of the pool. And now, alas!
the smoking sacrifice of iiis bosom friend was desecrated to the
uidioly purpose of making his neck "a fit object" for Cruelty
to reach " her quick, unerring lingers at."

Ye friends of the sacred tie, judge what were my feelings
when, in the midst of these rellections, the voice of James
Prator thundered on mine ear :

"Durn the old dodger. Brother Ned! Grease his neck, till
a fly can't liirht on it ! "

Ned having fulfilled his brother Jim's request as Avell as he
'?ould, attached the victim of his cruelty to the rope, directly
over the path. On each side of the gander was stationed a
man, whose oll'ice it was to lash forward any horse which might
linger there for a moment ; for by the rules of the ring, all
pulling was to be done at a brisk canter.

The word was now given for the competitors to mount and
take their places in the ring. Eight appeared : Tall Zubly Zin,
mounted u[)on Sally Spitfire: Arch Odum, on Bull and Ingons
(Onions); Nathan Perdew, on Wild Cat; James Dickson, on
Nigger; David AV^illiams, on Gridiron; fat John Fulger, on
Slouch ; Gorham Bostwick, on Gimblet ; aud Turner Ham-
mond, oil Possum.

n
tl
re

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

203

the p:an(lor
ire, upou a

or the lists,
lis sum waa

Mr Prator,
rocecded to
Avho respect
lly prepared

into it, and
to head, my
: in sadness
•obably been
luld see him,
y, and cheer-
'jrinp; of their
, every inya-
■d for her in-
•chal dignity,
ing, prattling^
lie luxuries of
id now, alas !
'crated to the
" for Cruelty

g my feelings
ice of James

his neck, till

as well as h(>
rope, directly
IS stationed a
» which might
: the ring, all

to mount and
all Zubly Zin,

ill and Ingon«
s Dickson, on

hn Fulger, on

Turner Haul-

" Come, gentlemen," said Commandant Prator, '• fall in !
All of you get behind one another, sort o' in a row."

All came into the track very kindly, but Sally Spitfire
and Gridiron. The former, as soon as she yaw a general move-
ment of horses, took it for grantedthere was mischief brewing;
and because she could not tell where it lay, she concluded it
lay everywhere, and therefore took fright at everything.

Gridiron was a grave horse ; but a suspicions eye, which he
cast to the right and left wherever he moved, sliowed that he
was "wide awake," and that "nobody had better not go fool-
ing with him," as his owner sometimes used to say. lie took
a sober, but rather intense view of things; insomuch that, in
his contemplations, he pass( .1 over his track three times, before
lie could be prevailed upon to stop upon it. lie stopped at
last, and when he was made to understand that this was all
that was expected of him for the present, he surrendered his
suspicions at once, with a countenance which seemed plainly
to say,

" Oh, if this is all you want, I've no objection to it."

It was long before Miss Spitdre could be induced to do the
like.

" Get another horse, Zube," said one ; " Sail will never do
for a gander pullin'."

" 1 won't," said Zube. " If she won't do, I'll make her do.
I want a nag that goes otf with a spring, so that when I get a
hold, she'll cut the neck in two, like a steel trap."

At length Sally was rather liung, than coaxed, into the track,
directly a-head of Gridiron.

"Now, gentlemen," said the master of the ceremonies, '' no
man's to make a grab till all's been round ; and when the first
man are got round, then the whole twist and tucking uil' you
grab away, as you come under (Look here, Jim Fulger, you'd
better not stand too close to that gander, I tell you!), one after
another. Now blaze away ! " (the command for an onset of
every kind, with people of this order.)

Off they went. Miss Sally delighted; for now she thought
the whole parade would end in nothing more nor less than her
favourite amusement, a race. 13ut Gridiron's visage pro-
nounced this the most nonsensical business that ever a horse of
sense was engaged in since the woi'ld began.

For the first three rounds Zubly was wholly occupied in
restraining Sally to her place ; but he lost nothing by this, for
the gander had escaped unhurt. On completing his third
round, Zube stretched forth his long arm, grabbed the gander
by the neck, with a firmness which seemed likely to defy (jooac-

20 i

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOlTR.

ffrcm^r, and at tho same instant, ho involuntarily j^'T^'e Sally n
Mi(M(.'U clicck. Slu; raised iier head, wjiich had berti kept,
nearly toiiehini; her leader's hoeks ; and tor tho first time, saw
th(? ijjaiider in tlio act of deseeudin<jf upon her; at tlie same
moment she received two pivilini; lashes from tiie Avhij)[)ers.
Tho way she now broke for Spriniftield "is nothin' to nobody."
As Zul)(; daslied down tlio road, tho whole circus raised a
whoop at'li'r him. 'J'his started about twenty do;j;s, hound<,
curs, and ])ointi'rs in full cliaso of him (for no man moviNl
without his doyj in those days). The do^'s alarmed some belled
cattle, which wore grazing on /ube's path, just as ho reached
them; these joined him, with tails np, and a tremendous rat-
tling, .lust beyond these vent throe tobacco-rollers, at a dis-
tance of fifty and a hundred yards aj)art, each of wdiom gave
Zubo a teri'itic whoop, scnnun. or yell, as he passed.

Ho went in and out of Hawk's Gully like a trap-ball, and
was in Springfield " in less than no time." Hero ho was en-
couraged onward by a n(nv recruit of dogs, but they gave u])
the cha^io as liojK^less before they cleared the village. Just be-
yond Springfield, what should Sally encounter but a flock of
geese, the tribe to which she owed all her mislbrtunes.

She stopped suddenly, and Zubo went over her head with
the last-a(u}uired velocity. He was up in a moment, and the
activity w ith which ho pursued Sally satisfied every spectator
that ho was unhurt.

Gridiron, who had witnessed IMiss Sally's treatment with
astonishment and indignation, resolved not to pass between tho
posts until tho whole matter should bo exi)lained to his satis-
faction. He therefore stopped short, and by very intelligiblo
looks, demanded of tho whij)pers, whether, if he passed between
them, ho was to be treated as Miss Spitfire had been. Th(i
whij)j)ers gave him no satisfaction, and his rider informed him
by reiterated thumps of the heel that ho shoidd go through,
wdiether he would or not. Of these, however. Gridiron seemed
to know nothing. In the midst of tho conference, Gridiron's
eyo lit upon the oscillating gander, and every moment's survey
of it begat in him a growing interest, as his slowly rising head,
suppressed breath, and projected eai's plainly evinced. After
ii short examination, he heaved a sigh, and looked behind him
to see if the way was clear. It was plain that his mind was
made up : but to satisfy the world that he would do nothing
rashly, he took anorhor view, and then wheeled and went for
Harrisburg, as if ho had set in for a year's running. Nobody
whoojied at Gridiron, for all saw that his running was purely
the result of philosophic deduction. Tiie reader will not sup-

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

^k)^.

ave Sally n
bet'u kept/
it time, saw
t tlic same
3 Avirn)[)C'rs.
;o nobody."
IS raised a
;^8, houiuls,
man movi-il
some bi'Ued
he reached
endous rat-
Ts, at a dis-
whom ga\e.

ap-ball, and
he was eii-
ley gave up
3. Just bi;-
t a lloek ot'
lies.

II' head with
3nt, and the
ry spectator

itment with
between the
to his satis-
intelligible
sed between
been. The
itbrmed him
go through,
iron seemed

Gridiron's

ent's survey

rising head,

iccd. After

behind him

3 mind was

do nothing
,ud went for
r. Nobody

was ])urely
nil not sup-

pose that this occupied half the time which has been consumed
in telling it, though it might liave been so, without interru|)t-
ing the amusement, for Miss Spitiire's llight had completely
suspended it for a time.

The remaining competitors now went on with the sport.
A few^ rounds showed plainly that Odum or Bostwick would bo
the victor, but which no one could tell.

AVhenever either of them came round, the gander's neck
was sure of a severe wrench. Many a halt' pint of Jamaica Avas
staked upon them, besides other things. The poor gander
witiistood many a strong pull before his waitings ceased. At
length, however, they were hushed by Odum. Then came
Bostwick and broke the neck. The next grasp of Odum, it
was thought, would bear away the head, but it did not. Then
Bostwick was sure of it, but he missed it. Now Odum must
surely have it. All is interest and animation. The horses
sweep round with redoubled speed — every eye is upon Odum —
liis backers smiling — Bostwick's trembling. To the rope he
comes — lifts his hand — when lo ! Fat John Pulger had borne
it away the secuud before. All were astonished — all disap-
pointed, and some were vexed a little: for it was now clear,
that, "if it hadn't o' been for liis great fat paw," to use their
own language, Odum would have gained the victory. Others
inveighed against " that long-legged Zube Zin, who was so high,
he did not k''Tow when his feet were cold, for bringing such a
nag as ISull Spitfire to a gander-pull in' ; for if he'd o' been in
his ])lace, it would have flung Bostwick right where that f/ourd
o' huffs' lard (Fulger) was."

i'nlger's conduct was little calculated to reconcile them to
their d^oappointment.

" Come here, Neddy Prater," said he, with a triumphant
smile, "let your Uncle Johnny imt hia pohifo-s/ealer (hand)
into that hat, and tickle the chins of them arc shiners a little.
Oh you little shining critters, walk into your Mas' Johnny's
pocket, and jingle so as Arch Odum and Gory Bostwick may
hear you 1 You hear 'em. Gory ? J3oi/s don't pull with men.
I've jist got my hand in ; I wish I had a pond full of ganders
here now, jist to show you how I could make their heads Jly.
Bet all I've wen, you may hang three uj^oii that rope, and I'll
set Slouch at full speed and take off the heads of all three,
the first grab, two with my hands and one with my teeth."

Thus he went on, but really there was no boasting in this ;
it was all fun, for John knew, and all were convinced that ho
knew, that his success was entirely the result of accident. Joiui
was really a " aood-uatured fellow," and his cavorting had an

296

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR,

efiect directly opposite to that which the reader would suppose
that it had — it reconciled all to their disappointment, save one.
1 excej)t Billy INIixew ot* Spirit Creek, who had staked the net
procei.'da of six (juarts of niukle-berriea upon Odum, which he
had been l<)n<; keeping for a safe bet. lie could not get re-
conciled, until he fretted himself into a pretty little piney-
woods figiit, in which he got whipt ; and then he went home
perfectly satisfied. Fulger spent all his winnings with Prater,
in treats to tlie company — made most of tliem drunk, and
therel)y produced four Georgia rotations* after which all parted
good friends.

LIX.

now MIKE HOOTER. CAAfE YERT NEAR " WALLOrPINO "

AKCll COONY.

In the Yazoo Hills, near the town of Sartartia, in the good
State of Mississippi, there lived at no distant date one Mike
Jlooter, whose hunting and preaching adventures became
famous in all the land. Besides being a great bear-hunter and
hard to beat at preaching, Mike professed to be " considerable "
of a fighter, and in a regular knock-down and drag-out row was
hard to beat. ,

In order that the world may not remain in darkness as to
his doings in this last behalf, and fearing lest there may be no
one who entertains for him that particularly warm regard
which animates us towards him, we have thought it incumbent
on us, in evidence of our attachment for the reverend hero, to
jot down an instance that lingers in our memory respecting
him, bequeatiiing it as a rich legacy to remotest time.

Entertaining such partiality, we may be pardoned for fol-
lowing Mike in one of his most stirring adventures, related in
his peculiar and expressive vernacular.

" I'm one of the peaceablest fellers,' said IMike, " tliat ever
trotted on hind legs, and rather than git into er fuss 'bout no-
thin', I'd let er chap spit on me, but when it comes to rubbin'
it in, I always in gen'rally kinder r'ars up an' Avon't stan' it.

" But there's some fellers up in Yazoo what would rather

* I borrowed this term from Jim Inmnn, at the time : " Why, Jim," said
T to him, just as he rose from a fight, " what have you been doing } " " Oh,"
Buid he. " nothing but taking a little rotation with Bob McMauus."

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

207

lid suppose
it, siivo one.
ked the net
n, whicli he
not get re-
ttle piney-
went home
vith Prater,
drunk, and
;h all parted

.orpiNO

,, in the good
ite one Mike
lures became
r-hunter and
onsdderable "
out row was

arkness as to
re may be no
Tvarm regard
it incumbent
end liero, to
y respecting
me.

oned for fol-
es, related in

e, " that ever
'uss 'bout no-
es to rubbin'
u't stan' it.
v;ould rather

Why, Jim," said
loing?" "Ob,"
lauus."

git into er scrimmage than eat; an I've seen er few up fhur
wliat war so luuigry for er liglit, that they fell away an' got «o
poor au' thin that they had to lean up agin er saplin' to cuhs !

"That diap Arch Coony was er few in that line. He wms
the durndest, ranttmkerous hosslly that ever chuu er Irce ! I'll
tell you what, ef I hadn't er bin thar 1 wouldn't er b'leevfnl it :
I seed him one day in Sartartia git U[) from er jug of whiskey,
when he hadn't drunk moru'n halt' of it, and leave t'otluT lialf
to spile, and go an' ])itch into er privit spoute 'tween two Injuns,
when he didn't care er durn cent which walloped t'other, an'
lamin' both on um out'n ther mo( kasins !

" Well, you see. Arch was mighty fond o' them kind a tricks,
an' if he seed er fellow he thought he could lamm without no
danger, he wouldn't make no bones, but he'd just go up to the
chap and make faces at him, and harry his fcelirgs er bit; and
ef the feller showed sj)unky like, he'd let him alone, an' ax him
to take a drink ; but if he sorter tried to sidle out of it, Arch
would git as mad as all wrath, an' swar, an' cuss, ar r'ar, an'
charge like er ram at er gate-post ; and the fust thing you
kno\ved,he'dbhuck ofl'iiis coat, an' when the feller warn't si)ectin'
nuthin'. Arch would fetch him er side wipe on the head, and
knock him into the middle of next week,

" You see I didn't like them sort of doings much, me, myself,
I didn't; and I all'ays, ef ever I got er chance at Arch, I'd let
him down a buttonhole or two. lie was gittin' too high up in
the pictures, enny how ; and sez 1 one day, in er crowd, sez I,

" ' Ef that feller Arch Coony don't mind which side of his
bread's buttered, 1"11 git hold of him one of those days, an' I'll
make him see sights.'

" AVell, you see there was two or three sheep-stealing chaps
listenin' to what I sed, an" they goes and tells Arch the fust
chance I got I was gwiiie to larrup him. AVell, that riled him
like all fury, and as soon as he hcarn it he begins er cussin' like
wrath, and sez he,

" ' Dod rot that ole INTike Hooter. He pertend to be a
preacher. His preachiu' ain't nothin' but loud hoUerin' no-
how."

" So you see them same chaps, they comes an' tells me whnt
Arch had sed ; an' I got mad too, an' we had the durndest rumpus
in the neighbourhood you ever hearu.

" I didn't see nothing of Arch from that time till about er
month. Every time I went down to Sartartia to buv einivthiii'r
— er barrel of whisk} , or backer, or sich like truck, for privit use
— 1 looked for Arch, an' Arch looked for me, but somehow or
t'other he never crossed my path.

liJS

TRAITS OF AMElilCAN HUMOUR.

"At l;ist ono (lav I sent liini word 1 hclcovcd he was sl^rered
of IMC, and tiio I'ust cIiaiK'e 1 ^ot 1 would takt^ the starch out'ii
liiiii as Nur«.' as sliootiii^ ; and lu; sent word hack to iiu* tliat was
a ^jamo two could play at, and when I wanted to try it hu'd aeo
ii' he eouhhrt lielp ine.

" Well, thitinrs went on in tliat way for er lonii; tinip, an' I
dithi't see nothing; of Arch, so 1 he;,Mn to forgit all 'bout hiu!.
At last ()!!(? day, when nie and two or three other chaps w;is
^'wiue down to JJig iJlack liiver to L,n) bar-hunlinu; on t'other bide
of it, I hearn the darndest elatler-whackiuy:, and noise in tli(3
road behind ns ; and when 1 turned round to see what in the
name of thunder it was, thar was Ari'h and a whole lot of fellers
cummin' down tlu^ road, er galloping full tilt right up to us, an'
er gwiiie bar-huntin' too.

" When 1 seed him J was so mad I thought I should er burst
myself

'• 'Now, IMr Arch, I've got you, and if you don't keep your
eye skin'd, I'll lick you till your hide won't hold shucks.

" 'J'()reckly, Arch he euin up alongside, and looked me right
plum in the face as savage as (>r meat-axe ; and sez he,

" ' Good mornin', ole Trcach, give us your paw.'

"I see thar was mischief in him as big as a meetin'-house,
and I 'termined to give him as good as he sent, so I looked at
Jiiu) sorter savigerous like, and sez 1,

-' ' Look her(». boss, how can you have the face to talk to me,
arter saving what yon scd ? '

" ' Why,' sez he, ' Uncle i\Iike, didn't you begin it? '

" ' jN'o,' sez I ; 'an' ef you sez 1 begun it I'll larrup you in
er inch of your life.'

" Sez he, ' i'ou eternal ole cuss, ef you w-ant to larrup me,
just larrup away as soon as you darn please, and we'll see which
'ill get the wust of it.'

'' ' jN'ow,' sez 1, * I likes yon, Arch, 'cause I all'ays thought
you was a fust-rate feller ; but ain't yon been 'busin' me every-
where fur everything you could think of? '

" ' Yes,' sez he, ' but didn't you say you'd git hold of mo one
of these days, and make me see sites ? '

" ' No,' sez 1, ' I didn't : but this here's what I sed, sez T, ef
that feller. Arch Coonev, don't mind which side of his bread's
buttered, I'll get hold of him one of those days and make him
see sites.'

" ' Well,' sez he, ' TJncle Mike, you knows I'm the most
peace'blest feller living, and always mind which side of my
bread's buttered, and ef that's all you sed, taint uothiu' ; so
let's take er drink.'

} was s1<(M'ro(l

atiircli out' II

I iiu* tliiit was

vy it liu'd at'o

5; tiino, an' I
ill 'bout him.
iv chaps was
in t'other sido
[ noise in tho
e what in the
a lot of tellers
t up to us, an'

loukler burst

n't keep your
shucks,
jked me riglit
.'/, he,

V'.'

neotin'-house,
30 I looked at

to talk to mc,

in it ? '
larrup you in

to larrup me,
,e'll see which

I'ays thonrrht
sin' me every-

old of me ono

' scd, sez T, ef

f his bread's

Lud make hiin

m the most
I side of my
t uothiu' ; so

TRAITS OF AMERICAN IIL'MOUK.

21)0

"Then lie tuck out or tickler of whiskev, and arler he'd
tuck three or four swallers out'n it, sez he,

" ' L-ncle Mike, ohieei^e me by takiinj er horn.'

"'TS'o,' scz J, ' 1 won't do no such er do^^ on thiui;. f.tr
when 1 likes er chap, 1 likes him, and ulieii I don't iiki- him,
1 don't like him: but if you wants to ti,L,dir, I'm your man.'

" You out^hter seen Arch then, 1 think lie was the most
maddest man that ever wobhled on two ' hind legs.' He rar'd
an' pitched, an' cussed an' swore like anything.

"AVhen J see him cuttin* u]) that way, I commence getting
mad too, an' mv knees tlii'v hciiiu to shake, sei'ter like I had
er chill, an' skeeivd — no, ISir—an' I s' posed thar was
gwine to be thar devil to pay, I giv(> you my \sonl. I ain't
been so wrathy before onci' since, and that was t'other day
when that Cain, tlu^ blacksmith, druidi up my last bottk; of
' bullface; ' and when i tacked him 'bout it, sed he thought il;
was milk.

" J]ut that ein't neither here nor tliar. As T was a sayin'.
Arch he cussed ut me, an' J cussed at him, an' the feilers what
was alonir of me sed 1 beat him all holler. Torectly J be_;in to
get tired of jaw in' away so much, and si'/, 1,

'" Arch, what's the use of makin' such er all-iired rackit
'bout nothin'. IS' pose we make it up ? '

" ' Good as w heat,' sez he.

" ' AV'eli,' sez 1, ' give us your paw,' sez T, ' l)ut,' sez T,
* thar's one thing yon sed, what sorter sticks in my craw yet,
an' if you don't pollogize, I'll wallop you lor it right now.'

" ' What does you mean ? ' sez he.

"Sez 1, 'Didn't you sed one day that my preaehin' warn't
nothin' but hnid hollerm' ? '

"'Yes,' sez he, 'but didn't you send me word one time
that you b'lieved 1 was skeered of you, an' the fust chance you
got you'd take the starch out'n me, as sure as er gun.'

" !Sez I, ' Y'es, but what does that signify r' '

"'Well,' sez he, 'ef you'll take back what you sed, I'll
take back what I sed.'

"Then I begin to get as mad as all wrath,, and sez T,

" ' Y"ou eternal sheep-stealin', whiskey-drinkin', nigger-lam-
min', bow-legged, taller-faced rascal, does you want me to tell
er lie, by chawin' up my own words ? Ef that's what you'n*
arter, jest come on, and I'll larrup you till your mammy won't;
K.now you from a pile of sassage-meat.'

" kSo we kep er ridiu' on, and er cnssin' one another worse
than two Choc;taw Injuns, an' torectly wo cnm to the ierry-
boat — whar we had to cross the river. JSoon as we got thur,

aoo

TUAITS OF AMKUICAN m'MorK.

Arcli lie lioppcfl down ()ll"ri liis olc lioss, an' commcnctMl ^Imck-
iii' liissi'lt' fur cr li^iil, an' I jinupcil dowii t.io. 1 set' ilu; dc^vil
was ill liiin as lii;^ as cr bull, so 1 lu'^^in written my tcctlj, an'
lookiii' at him as BpunUy as cr Domiiiccker rooster; and now,

Ht'/ 1,

'•* JNlr Arch Coonv,' I scd, * I'll mal<o vou sec sites, nn' the
i'nst thin<; you know I'll hdiow them to you.' Then I pulled
oil" my ole Numhiy f,'o-to-meetin'-coat, an' shnnmed it down on
er stum[t, and se/ I, 'Lay tliar, olc i\lctliodisl, till 1 h-arn
Ihia 'coon some sense'

" 1. soon Kcc thar was i,'wiiio to hv. tliar bustinest fi^dit that
over was, so 1 rolled uj) my sleeves, an' Arch rolled up hisn,
and \vi' was <,'win(! at it rc;;lar.

"'Now,' sez he, 'olc pra'r-mectin', pitcii in.'

*' Well, 1 jist begin siilelin' up, an' he b«\Lj;in sidellu' up.
As Hoon as 1 ;^ot close 'null' to him, so 1 could hit him a gt)-
darter, se/- he,

"'Hole on cr minit, this ground's too rooty; Avait till 1
clear the sticks away IVoni here, so as 1 can have ii I'uir chance
to give it to you good.'

" ' Don't hollar till you're out'n tlie woods,' scz I ; ' p'raps
when I'm done you won't say my prcachin' ain't nothin' but
liollcrin, 1 spec'

" When lio'd done scra})en' oil' the grouiul, it looked jist
bko two bulls had been pawing up the dirt, 1 give you my
word it did.

" Well, as I scd before, he sidled up, an' I sidled up, and
now, scz 1,

" ' Look out for your bread-basket, ole stud, for of I happen
to give you cr jolt thar, p'ra[)s it '11 tarn yocr stoi.utch.'

" So thar we stood, head an' tail up, jest hke two chicken-
cocks in lay in' time, an' sez 1 to him,

" ' Arch, I'm gv, iue to maul you till you won't Imow your-
self.'

" Soon as we got close enulF, an' I see he was about to
make cr lunge at me, sez 1,

'* ' Jlole on, dod drot you, wait till I unbutton my gallowses,
an' njay be so then I'll show you them sites tliat we was talkiu'
'bout.'

" Well, all the fellers was stannin' round ready to take
sides in the light, an' torcckly the chap what kep' the ferry
begin to get tu'ed of keepin' thar ferry-boat waitin', an', sez
he,

" ' Cuss your pictures ! I'm not gwine to keep this here
i'frry-boat waitin' no longer, an' people on t'other side waitin' io

'Ticod slmck-
M'c llu! devil
y l«'rlh, jin'
p ; ami iioWj

iit(\s. nil' tlu»

icii 1 pulled

I it down on

till 1 k'iiru

St fi<,dit that
led up hisii,

sidoliii' up.
D liiiu Ji go-

wnit till I
, fair c'Ikuich)

; I ; ' p'raps
iiothiii' but

looked jist
ve you niy

led up, and

of I liappen

u'h.'

wo chick eu-

kuow your-

is about to

y galloNvses,
^vils talkiu'

dy to take
y the ferry
n', an', sez

p this here
e waitiii' to

TKAITS OF AMKUIC'AN HLMUl'K.

yui

po over, so if you want to ri','ht, como over on this aide an' fl^ht
there.'

'"(jlood a^ ole wheat,' He/, T, anythiiii: to keep peace away,
'ef you say so, let's i^et into the boat, and st'ttle it over thar'.

" Well, tlu'y all aj^reed to that without sayin' a uord, an'
Arch he j;ot into the ferry-boat. I JMinped into the eend of it,
and was i,'wini' to lead n>y boss on too, but llw all-lired critter
was skeered to jump on to ii, and se/, I to the man who ke[)t
the ferry, sez 1,

*" Why don't you wait till 1 suet's this durned four-lei:y;ed

^ * ^ t-J OCT

critter into the; boat P '

*' He didn't say a word, but kept r.hovin' the boat out, and
toreekly my boss be^^in |)ullin' back witii the bridle, an' 1 er
liolein' on to it, an' the furst i^hinuj I knovved, I went kerswash
into the drink". So you see, in about er nn'nil,thar was 1 on to
this side, ami thar was Arch on t'other, and no chance for me to
git at him. 1 tell you what, 1 was hot then — and what was
worser. Arch he hollered out and sed he b'leved J skeered tin;
boss and made hiui pull back, on ])urpose to <!;et out'n the scrap('.
When 1 hearn him f>ay that, 1 was so mad I fairly biled. II ow-
Kever, I soon see 'twarn't no usi> raisen er racket 'bout what
couldn't be helped, so I 'eluded J'll have my satisfaction out'n
him any way. Au' 1 begin shakin' my list at him, an' er eussiu'
him. Sez I,

" ' You eternal yaller-facod, suck-CLCi:^ son of er , what is

it you ain't mean 'iiulf for me to ctdl you? 1 tell you what! (au'
1 hoi)e to be forijjiyen for swearin') I cussed him blue.

" Well, I was so outdone 1 didn't wait for the boat to come
back, for it was gettin' 'most dark and too late for bar-hinitin'
that day ; 'sides, my wile she would bt; 'specLin' me at the house,
and mii^ht rais ])ertickler dust if I didn't get thar in tinie ; so I
jumped on my ole boss, an' put for home. JUit the way 1 cussed
and 'bused Arch when I got on the boss, was er sin, an' the; fur-
ther 1 got away from him the louder I hollered ! 1 pledge you
my word, you might er hearn me vv mile.

" To make a long story short, the last word. I sed to him,
sez I,

" ' Arch, you've 'scaped me this time by er axident, but the
next time you cross my path, I'll larrup you worse nor the devil
beatin' tan-bark ! I will, by hokey ! '

" AVhew ! " whistled Mike, drawing a long breath. " I tell
you what, I come the nearest wollopiu' that feller, not to do it,
that ever you saw."

At this moment Mike donned bis coon-skin cap, and giying
it a terrific slam, tbat brought it over his eyes, -"uniaueu

302

TliAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

LX.

AX INTERESTING INTERYIEW,

I HOPE the day is not far distant, when drimlvenness will be
unknown in our lii^^lily-fiivoured country. The moral world is
rising in its streii<;tli against the all-destroying vice, and though
the monster still struggles, and stings, and poisons, with deadly
<'lfcct, in many parts of our wide-spread territory, it is percept-
ibly wounded and weakened ; and I flatter myself, if 1 should
live to number ten vears more, I shall see it driven entirely from
the higher walks of life at least, if not from all grades of society.
For the honour of my contemporaries, I would register none of
its crimes or its follies ; but, iu noticing the peculiarities of the
age in which 1 live, candour constrains me to give this vice a
])assing notice. The interview which I am about to present
to my readers, exhibits it in its mildest and most harmless
forms.

Jn the county of , and about five miles apart, lived old

Hardy Slow and old Tobias Swift. They were both industrious,
honest, sensi^.^o farmers, when sober; but they never visited
their county-to\Nn without getting drnnk ; and then they were
— precisely what the following narrative makes them.

Q^hey both happened at tiie Court House on the sama day,
when 1 last saw them together; the former accompanied by his
wife, and the latter by his youngest son, a lad about thirteen.
Tobias was just clearly on the wrong side of the line, which
<livides drunk from sober; but Hardy wa^ ^^ roi/aJhj coniciV
(but not falling) when they met, about an hour by sun in the
afternoon, near the rack at which their horses were hitched.

They stopped about four feet apart, and looke 1 each other
full in the face for about half a minute, during all which time,
Toby sucked his teeth, winked, aiul made signs with his shoulders
and elbows to the by-standers that he knew Hardy was drunk,
"ind was going to quiz him for tluMr auuisemeut. \\\ the mean
lime. Hardy looked at Tobias, like a ])olite man dropping to
slei'3p in spite of himself under a dull long story.

At length Toby broke silence :

" How goes it, LTncle Hardy ? " {winking to the compani/, and
tihruqqinrj Ids islioul tiers.)

'■' Wliy, Toby !— is that you ? AVell — \ipon my— why, Toby !
Lord — help — my — soul and Why, Toby ! what, in, the.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

303

nncss will be
aral world is
!, and thoiigh
, with deadly
it is pei'cept-
f, if 1 should
entirely from
ies of society,
rister none of
arities of the
re this vice a
it to present
ost luirmlesa

)art, lived old
11 industrious,
never visited
en they were
lem.

,he same day,
panied by his
3 out thirteen,
le line, which
i/allj/ corned''
by sun in the
re hitched,
e i each other

which thne,
\ his shouldera
\v was drunk,

In the mean
1 dropping to

company, and

—why, Toby !
! what, in, the,

worl', set, you, to, gitt'n, drunk — this, time o' day ? Swear,
poin' blank, you're drunk ! Why — you — must be, an old, fool

— to, get, drunk, right, before, all these, gentlemen a'ready,

Toby."

" Well, but, now you see {luiiiTcing), Uncle Hardy, a gill-cup
an't a quart-pot, nor a quart-pot an't a two-gallon jug ; and
tlierefore {iciaking and ckucMinrj), Uncle Hardy, a thing is a
thing, turn it which way you will, it just sticks at what it was
before you give it first ex — ex — ploit."

" Well, the, Lord, help, my Why, Toby ! what, is the

reaa'n, you, never, will, answer, me this, one — circumstance

and, tliat, is 1, always, find, you, drunk, when, I come, here."

" Well, now, but Uncle Hardy, you always know circum-
stances alters cases, as the fellow said ; and therefore, if one

circumstance alters another circumstance how's your wife

and children ? "

*' 1, swear, poin' blank, I slian't tell you — because, you r'ally,
is, too drunk, to know, my wife, when, you, meet, her, in the
street, all, day, long, and, she'll, tell, you, the, very, same, thing, as,
all, these, gentlemen, can — testimony."

" AV^ell, but now you see, Uncle Hardy, thinking's one thing
and knowing's another, as the fellow said ; and the proof o' the
pudding's chawin' the bag, as the fellow said ; and you see —
coll-doll-diddle-de-doU-doU-day {sinrjing and capering), youthhik
I can't dance ? Come, Uncle Hardy, let's dance."

" Why, Toby ! — you — come — to this ? / didn't make, you,
drunk, did I ? You, an't, took, a drii\k, with, me, this, live, long,
day — is you ? I, sav, is you, Tc' y r "

"No, Uncle Har—"

" W^ell, then, let's go, take a drink."

" Well, but you see. Uncle Hardy, drinkin's drinkin' ; but
that's neither here nor there, as the fellow said.

" ' Come (sitif/inr/) all ye younj]^ sparkers, oonie listen to mo,
And I'll sing you u -.litti, of a prctti ludte.' "

"Why, Toby! ha— ha— ha— AVell, T r'ally, did, think, you,

was, drunk, but, now I believe bla^t the flies ! I L'Heve, they,

jest IS li'f, walk, in my, mouth, as, in. my nose. {TJirn looking
toith cges half closed at Tobg for several mi miles.') AVliy, Toby,
you, spit 'bacoo spit, all over, your jacket — and, that's ji.sf, the
very, way, you, got, ivi your lix."

At this moment, Mrs ISlow cam? up, and immediatelj^ after.
Swift's son, William.

"Come" said the good old lady, " man, let's go home;
it's getting late, and there's a cloud rsing ; we'll get wet."

30-1

TRAITS OF AMEFICAN HUMOUR.

" Why, Xaney ! wliat in tho worl' has got into you ! Is you
drunk, too ? Well, 'j)oo, my word, and honor, I, b'lieve, every
body, in this town, is, got drunk to-day. AVhy, Nancy ! 1
never, did, see, you, in, that lix, before, in, all, my, live, long.
Lorn, days."

" Well, never mind," said she, " come, let's go home. Don't
you acM the rain coming up ? "

''AVell, will, it rain, upon, my, corn-field, or my cotton-
patch ? Say, Nancy ! which one, will it. rain on ? But, Lord,
lielp, my, soul, you are, too drunk, to tell mc, any, thing, about
it. Don't my corn want rain. Nancy ? Now, list, tell me,
that ? "

" Yes ; but let's go home."

" Then, why, upon, the face, of the earth, won't you, let it,
rain, then ? 1, rather, it, should rain, than not."

" Come, old man," said several by-standers, touched witli
sympathy for the good lady, " come, get on your horse and go
home, and we will help you."

" Oh yes, Uncle Jlardy," said Tobias, alT'ecting to throw all
humour aside, and to become very sober all at once, " go home
with the old woman. Come, gentlemen, let's help 'em on their
horses — they're groggy — mighty groggy. Come, old man, I'll
help you " {.star/jerina to Ilartlij).

" Jist look at daddy now ! " said Billy ;
Mr Swift, and he's drunk as Mr Swift is.
let's go home, or we'll get mazin' wet."

Toby stooped down to help Hardy on his horse — before tlie
horse was taken from the rack — and throwing his arm round
Hardy's legs, he fell backwards, and so did Hardy.

" Why — Lord, bless, my, soul," said Hardy, " I b'lieve I'm
drunk, too ! What, upon the, face, of the earth, has got, into,
all, of us, this day ! "

" AVhy, Uncle Hardy," said Toby, "you pull us both down
together! The old man's mighty groggy," said Toby to me, in
a half whisper, and with an arch wink nnd smile, as he rose up
— I happening to be next to him at the moment — " s'pose
we help him up, and get him off? The old woman's in for it,
too," continued he, winking, nod .ling, and shrugging up his
shoulders very significantly.

" Oh no," said I, " the old woman is perfectly sober, and I
never heard of her tasting a drop in all my life."

" Oh," said Toby, assuming the gravity of a parson, " loves
it mightily, mightily ! Monstrous woman for drinking ! — at
least that's my opinion. Monstrous iiae woman, though !
monstrous fine ! "

" he's going to help
Oh, daddy, come,

^ou ! Is you
riieve, every
, Nancy ! 1
y, live, long,

ome. Don't

my cotton-
But, Lord,
, tiling, about
jist, tell nie.

I't you, let it,

touched with
horse and go

T to throw all
ice, " go home "
p 'em on their
, old man, I'll

5 going to help
daddy, come,

36 — before th.e
is arm round

I b'lieve I'm
I has got, into,

|us both down
'oby to me, in
as he rose up
lent — " s'pose
lan's in for it,
^gglng up his

sober, and I

parson, " loves

Irinking ! — at

Lan, though!

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

805

" Oh, daddy, for the Lord's sake let's go home ; only see
what a rain is coming ? " said liilly.

" Daddy '11 go presently, my son."

" A\^ell, here's your horse, git up and let's go. Mannny '11
be sure to be sendin' for us."

"Don't mind him," isaid Toby, winking to me ; "he's no-
thing but a boy ; I wouldn't take no notice of what he said, ilo
want's me {irinkiuj and smiliiifj/) to go lu)me with him ; now
you listen."

" AVell, come," said I to Uncle Toby, " get on your horse
and go home, a very heavy rain is coming up."

"I'll go presently, but you just listen to Bill," said he to
me, winking and smiling.

" Oh, daddy, for the Lord's su^o l^t's go home."

Toby smiled archly at me, and winked.

" Daddy, are you going home or not ? Jist look at the
rain com in'.'*

Toby smiled and winked.

" Well, I do think a drunken man is the biggest fool in the
county," said Bill, " I don't care who he is."

" Bill ! " said the old man, very sternly, " * honour thy
father and thy mother,' that — that the womar.'s seed may
bruise the serpent's head."

" AV^ell, daddy, tell me if you won't go home ! Tou
pee it's going to rain powerful. If you won't go, may

igo?';

" Bill ; ' Leavf» not thy father who begot fhre ; for thou art
my beloved son Esau, in whom I am well pleased.' "

" Why, daddy, it's drop| ".ng rain now."

Here Bill was relieved from his anxiety by the appearance
of Aaron, a trusty servant, whom IMrs !Slow had despatched for
his master, to whose care Bill committed him, and was soon out
of sight.

Aaron's custom had long been to pick np his master with-
out ceremony, put him on his horse, and bear him away. ISo
use ! to this dealing had Toby been, that when he saw Aaron,
he surrendered at discretion, and was soon on the road. But
as the rain descended in torrents, before even Bill could have
proceeded half a mile, the whole of them must have been
drenched to the skin.

As to Hardy, whom in the proper order we ought to have
disposed of first, he was put on his horse by main lorce, and
M'as led off by his wife, to whom he was muttering as far as I
could hear Inm :

" Why, Xancy ! How, did, vou, get, in^ such a fix ? You'll,

*20

OOG

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

full, off, your, horse, sure, as you're born, and I'll luivc to put
you up u;^^;^!!."

As they ^vcre constniiiicd to iro in a walk, they too must
have got "wringing wet, though they had a t^uarter of an hour
the start of Toby.

LXI.

BEX AVILSOX S LAST JUG-R.VCE.

Coming up from Newport, on the pretty little steamer
* Perry,' a few days ago, I fell in with, or chaneed to lay aeruss
the track of, a Mississippi flat-boatman whom I had not seen
for three years, and from having liad, once upon a time, a rather
personal adventure with him, you may guess that the meeting
was one of curious congratulation.

Ben and 1 had both travelled " some " since we had parted,
and he liad, as well as myself, many things to tell.

I was sitting on the upper deck, consulting the opinions of
one of Job Patterson's A No. 1 llavanas, when a pretty mus-
cular and sun-burnt specimen of humanity hove alongside, and
brought a rather big paw down upon my right shoulder with a
bim that made me start a UltJc.

" How are you, old J comp'ny ? " was the first broadside.
" I ha'nt set eves on vou sence we had the scrnnmidge down to
the AV^ashington ball-room, Orleans. Kaytheratimethatar?"
and lie winked his little black eyes until I fancied I heard the
lids snap.

" Ben AVilson ? " I inquired.

" 'Zactly ; you've hit it on the head this time. Ilow've you
ben, and whar ? "

" Travelling generally," I responded; " been looking at the
Hhode Island Legislature of late. About health I'm as snug
as a kitten, and as hearty as you seem to be."

" I ? Yes ; ef I'd a had them sinners " (showing a lump of
bones and muscles sometldng larger than mine, I think), " when
that ar scriunnidge took place, tliere'd a been a dift'erent report
of killed and wounded at the perlice shop. But that ain't no
consekense now, tho' thar is a ugly sort of a seam on the
larboard side of my phizognomy. What'll you sample ? "

Such a polite invitation was not under tho circumstances to
be refused, and a liquid strengthener was presently applied to

lavc to put

jy too must
uf an liuur

tie steamer
to lay across
IkuI not seen
ime, a rather
the meeting

e bad parted,

e opinions of
I pretty mus-
lougside, and
oulder ^Yith a

TUAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMUL'U.

Cu7

■st broadside,
lidge down to
ime that ar?"
d I heard the

Ilow've you

looking at the
h I'm as snug

ing a lump of

link), "when

ifierent report

tliat ain't no

seam on the

lample?"

cumstances to

itly applied to

the in'nards of both. A couple more of Job's rogab'a?* wero
lighli'd, and we walked forward to look at the sights, and enjoy
a littU.' quiet conversation.

" You hev'nt got that thar took-piek about you, hev you ? "
asked BeVy as we got afront of the wheel-liouse.

" No."

" I'm sorry for tliat, for I'd a lilvc to liad it for a keepsake,
tJ/ai knife. You punched it into my jowl ratlier vigorously
that night."

"And this," said I, rolling up my right sleeve, and pointing
to a very pretty stiletto scar.

" 'Twarn't mine, by all the broad horns that ever run in
]Mississip' ! " roared Ben. " 'Twas the Trench bar-keeper did
that."

" Never mind, Ben," said I, " I thought 'twas you at the
time ; but anyhow, a man hasn't much time to debate nice
(picstions when that pile of ivory " (pointing to his big list) '' is
making love to his windpipe."

" No more he han't, and no more you hadn't," said Ben, " en
it's all forgiv'. Less change the topick."

" Been boating since I met you ? " I inquired, after a short
pause.

" Well, yes, mostly," answered Ben, deliberately. " Druv a
pretty fair business last year; only sunk one broad-horn, en
that war snagged. Saved part of the load, en lost it agin at a
<?;r-vasse. I had a fust-rate openin' this spring, but a awkward
accident kicked all the fat into the fire."

" Bad luck, eh ? how was it ? "

" Did vou ever jug for buffalo fish P "

" Never."

" Han't no idee on the pre-c'isQ way it is done ? "

"Not the least. Yes, I did see something about it in the
• Spirit,' but I've forgotten all about it."

" ' Sperit r ' Oli, that's the sportin' paper down to York.
Nolan, and Hooper, and Steve Tucker writes to it. Some jokes
in that ar sheet, onst in a w^hile."

" Occasionally, I calculate ; but this jugging for buffaloes."

" Sartin. You see it's as easy as fallin' off a log. Git a
dozen jugs en two canoes ; hitch your lines to the handles of the
jugs, put on your bait, and then toss them overboard. When
you sees a jug begin to bob, there's a buffalo thar : en when it
begins to dive and run, you may calk'iate there's one varmint
hooked. Strike out like a pointer, pull up tlie line, and the lish
is tJiar ; but you've got to keep your weather eye open, or you
lose him, "

'60S

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

I iindLTstand ; but tlio awkward accidont yoii spoke of?

" Yes, of course ; that'll come in good time. D'you rcH'ollect
that feller with the one eye that stuck by me in that scrimmidg
at Orleans ? "

" Perfectly ; Ifelf him audibly that night."

" Joe Stilwell. Wal, Joe and I run togetlicr, en wc run sens,
tel we fell out on one of these jug affairs ; en then he sot up for
liisself — oppersition. 'Bout the lust of A-prile we hap'nd to
come together to Saint Lewis, en started down the river the
same day. Joe had tlie start five hours, an' I were glad of it ;
for he hadn't no good feelin' towards me, en' I hadn't none for
liim, I swar. It war two days 'fore I see anythink of him, but
a man who got on at INIilses wood-yard said Joe wanted to tackle
nie ; en sez he, ' Z'likes not he'll stop to Ransom's for freight,
for he han't got more'n two-thirds his complement.' Sez I, ' Ef
Joe runs across my bows, he knows what' 11 be the konsekens ; '
an' we didn't say no more about the matter.

" It was midnight when we got to Hansom's, an' I was
debatin' whether it warn't better to shove along then to st^op,
when I heres Joe's voice a nsin' of my name. That was all
war wanted to settle the matter. I tied up, and aslced all hands
to licker. Joe he was tlie fust one to come up, sez he,

" ' Ben, we've had some rily feelins, en let's settle them
rash'nally.'

" ' How ? ' sez I, not 'zactly understandin' him.

" ' Kash'nally,' sez he. ' I'll drink with you, and you drink
with me, en then we'll call it squar.'

" ' 'Greed! ' sez I, en we lickered round twisto, en Joe and
I shook hands, en squar'd off all old 'counts 'pertetuioelif.

" Thar was suthin' in his looks I didn't like when we shuck
hands ; but sez I to myself, ' this coon sleeps in the day-time,
maybe, but he's M'ide awake on this yer night.' liansom, he
seemed glad we'd made up again ' fer all time,' es he said, and
we lickered 'long a him.

" While we was drinkin' 'long a Eansom, one of my hands
come in en whispered softly in my ear, all unbeknown to the
rest, that somebody hod hen tryin' to cut my starn-cable, and
then he sneaked back to watch for the marorder.

" I got olf pretty soon after, en went aboard a leetle riled.
But I didn't tell the boys who I thouglit was the rascal, thoar
I told 'em to keep a sharp watch, en fire to kill, when they did
shoot. But tha' warn't nobody come, Joe knew better than to
play with the old fox in his den — Joe did.

"Nex' mornin' we were just castiu' off, whrn Joe come
down to tlie wharf-boat, en sez he.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

300

wkc of?"
Li recollect
scrimuiidg

e run sens,
} sot up for

hiip'nd to
e river the
glad of it ;
I't noue for
of him, but
ed to tackle
for freight,

Sez I, ' Ef
ionsekena ; '

,, an' I ^va3
lien to s^op,
'liat was all
ied all hands
L he,
settle them

id you drink

I, en Joe and

en we shuck

;he day-time,

Kansom, he

he said, and

of my hands
Inown to the
[rn-cable, and

|a leetle riled.

rascal, thoar

?hen they did

Letter than to

Irn Joe come

** ' You ain't goin' off mad, ar vou ? *

" ' No,' sez I.

^"AVal,' sez lie, Mess takeapartin' smile.'

" I didn't like the idea, but Kansom he said,

" Come in, J3en ! ' en in I went and drinkt.

"'What d'you say to a bulfulo-juggin ? ' said Joe, artcr
we'd lickered.

" ' It's too airly in the season,' sez I ; ' b'sides I'm off fur
Orleans.'

" * So'm I,' said Joe, 'at eleven ; en we'll go company."

" * AVhat's the blaze ? ' said Kansom.

" * Two canoes, and one jug,' said Joe.

" I knowed what he was after then, for it showed elenn
out'n his eyes. Joe war the best swimmer, en he thort ef we
cum together an' upset the canoes, he'd have the advantage.
lie knowed he'd git catawompously chored up ashore, en he
ivaiiied to drown mey

"What a devil incarnate!" I exclaimed.

*' That's just him 'zactly. I thort a minit, and then
sez I,

" ' I'm your man.'

"Wal, a skiff tuck out the only jug, en Joe en I paddled
from shore leisurely.

" ' A bob ! ' yelled out Ransom, en we started.

" We was about ten rods apart, en neck-en-neck. On we
swept like greased lightnin', Joe leadin' by 'bout two inches, I
should guess. I had not look't at Joe sens we left shore, but
as we draw'd nigh the jug I seed he had his coat and jacket off.
AVe was within ten foot of the jug, en both dropped paddles,
en I shed my coat en jacket a leetle quicker'n common. Tha'
warn't no misunderstandin' between us then ; en as the canoes
come together, both grappled and went overboard, and under-
neath the water."

Ben here paused, took out his bandanna, and wiped the big
drops off his forehead, as coolly as if he was recounting the
events of a dinner-party.

" Well," I urged impatiently, " you both went under the
water ? "

" Yes, that was the accident happened ! "
" Accident ? explain."

" Why, I've no more to say'n this. I riz, en got aboard my
broad-horn, en come away."

" But Joe — what became of him ? "

" Joe ? he was a missin^ ''long ivith my howie-hiife ! "

I parted s^dth Ben, when the ' Perry' touched the wharf at

nio

TRAITS OF AMKHICAN HUMOUR.

ProvidoncG, iiDt cariiif^, under the circumstances^ to inquiro
^vilicll way he was travelling.

LXII.

JIIKE riNK IN A TIGHT PLACE,

INIiKE Fink, a notorious Buckoyo-'iuntcr, \vas conloinpor-
ary with tlie celebrated Davy Crockett, and liis equal in all
things relating to human prowess. It Avas even said that the
animals knew the crack of his rifle, and wouhl take to their
yecret hiding-places, ou the first intimation that Mike was
about. Yet strange, thougli true, he was but little Iluowii be-
yond his innnediate "settlement."

AVheii u'o knew lum he was an old man — the blasts of seventy
winters had silvered o'er his head, and taken the elasticity from
his limbs ; yet in the whole of his life was INI ike never worsted,
except upon one occasion. To use his own language, he never
" gin in," used up, to anything that travelled on two legs or
four, but once.

" That once we want," said Bill Slasher, as some dozen
of ns s.it in the bar-room of the only tavern in the " settle-
ment."

" Gin it to us now, Mike ; you've promised lone: enough,
and you're old now, and needn't care," continued Bill.

"Eight, right. Bill," said Mike; "but we'll open with a
liclcer all round fust, it'll kind o' save my feelin's 1 reckon."

" Thar, that's good. Better than t'other barrel, if any thing,"

" AV^ell, boys," commenced Mike, "you may talk o' your
scrimmages, tight places, and sich like, and substract 'em alto-
gether in one all-mighty big 'un, and they hain't no more to be
compared to the one I war in, than a dead kitten to an old
she-bar. I've font all kinds of varmints, from a Ingun down to
a rattlesnake, and never was willin' to quit fust, but this once,
and 'twas with a bull !

" You see, boys, it was an awful hot day in August, and I
war near runnin' off into pure ilc^ when I war thinkin' that a
<///; in the creek mout save me. Well, thar was a mighty nice
])lace in old Deacon Smith's medder for that partic'lar biz/iness.
So I went down among the bushes to uidiarness. I jest hauled
the old red shirt over my Lead, and war thinkin' how scrump-
tious a feller of my size would feel a wallerin' round in that ar

TKAITS OF AMKIUCAN IIUMOL'K.

nil

in(]\nro

contompor-
■qual ill all
lid that the
iiUe to th'.'ir
} Miko Avas
3 l:uo\Yn be-
ta of seventy
isticity from
jvcr worsted,
tgo, he never
°t\vo legs or

some dozen
the "aettle-

oncc enough,

Bill.

open with a
1 reckon,
if anything."
talk o' your
•act 'em alto-
|io more to be
,ten to an old
^igun down to
itit this once,

_i.ugust, and I
Ihinldn' that a
ja mighty nice
3'lar bi///Anes3,
I jest hauled
how scrump-
lund in that ar

water, and was jost 'bout goin' in, wlien I seed tlie old Beacon's
bull a makin a h-line to whar I stood.

" I know'd tlie old cuss, for he'd skar'd more ])eople than
all the parsons in the 'settlement,' and cum mighty near killin'
a few. Thinks I, Mike, you're in rather a tigiit place. Get
vour fixin's on, for he'll bo drivin' them big horns o' ins in ver
bowels afore that time. AVell, you'll liev to try the old varmint
naked, 1 rcck'n.

"The bull war on one side o' the creek, and T on t'other,
and the way he made the ' sile' lly for a while, as if he war dig-
gin' my grave, war distressin' !

" * Come on, ye bcllcrin' old heathen,' said I, ' and don't be
a standin' there; for, as the old Deacon says o' the devil, yer
not comely to look on,'

"This kind o' reached his nnderstandiu', and made him
more wishious; for he hoofed a little like, and made a drive.
.And as I d(m't like to stand in anybody's way, 1 gin him
})!enty sea-room. So he kind o' passed by me, and cum out on
t'other side; and as the captain o' the nuid-swamp rangers
would say : ' 'bout face for another charger.'

''Though I war ready for him this lime, he come mighty
nigh runnin' foid o' me. So I made up my nu'nde the next
time he went out he woiddn't be alone. So when he passed, I
grappled his tail, and he pulled me out on the ' sile,' and as
i>:oon as we were both a'top o' the bank, old JbMndlc st< pped,
and was about comin' round agin, when 1 begin puU'n t'other
way.

""Well, I reckon tliis kind o' riJrd him, for he fust stood
stock still, and look'd at me for a spell, and then connnenced
pawin' and bellerin', and the way he made his hind gearing
play in the air, war beautiful !

" But it warn't no use, he couldn't irch me, so he kind o'
stopped to get wind for suthin' devilish, as Ijudrjcd by the way
he stared. By this time 1 had made up my mind to stick to
his tail as long as it stuck to his back-bone ! I didn't like to
holler fur help, nuther, kase it war agin my principh^s; ami
then the Beacon had preached at his iujuse, and it warn't far
oft' nuther.

" I know'd if he hern the noise, the bull comrrenfation wonld
come down ; and as I warn't a married man, and had a kind o'
hankerin' arter a gal that war thar, I didn't feel as if 1 would
like to be seed in that ar predicament.

(( ( c

! »

So,' ses I, 'you old sarpent, do ycrcussedst
"And so he did; for he drug me over every briar and
stump in the Held, until I was sweatin' and bleedin' like a f. t

yi2

TRAITS OF AMEKICAN lIUMOUIi.

hni' wllh a pack o' lioiinds at hia liceln. And my name ain't
jMiko Fink, it'tlio old crittor'a tail and 1 didn't blow out soiiif-
tinics at a dead level witii the varmint's back !

" So you may kalkilato we made ^ood time. Bimeby lie
slackened a little, and then 1 had him for a spell, for I jest
dropped behind a stump, and Ihat snubbi>d tlie critter.

"'Kow,' ses 1, 'you'll pull np this 'ere 'Avliite oak, break
you're iail, or jiat hold on a bit till I blow.'

" Well, while I war settin' thar, an idea struck me that I
hfid better be a gettin' out o' this in some way. J>ut hou\
ad/actly, was i\\c pint! If I let go and run, he'd be a foul o'
me sure.

*' So lookin' at the matter in all its bcarins, I cum to the
conclusion that I'd better let somebody Jtuon' whar I was. So
I gin a yell louder than a locomotive whistle, and it warn't
long before 1 seed the Deacon's two dogs a comiu' down like
as if they war seein' which could get thar fust.

" 1 know'd who they war arter — they'd jine the bull agin
me, I war sartin, for they war awful wenimous, and had a spite

agm me.

" ' So,' ses I, * old Erindle, as ridin' is as cheap as walkin'
on this rout, if you've no objections, I'll jest take a deck pas-
sage on that ar back o' your'n.'

" So I wasn't long gettiu' astride of him, and then if you'd
been thar, you'd 'ave sworn thar warn't uothin' human in that
nv mix ; the aile flew so orrifully as the critter and I rolled
round the lield — one dog on one side and one on t'other, tryiu'
to clinch my feet !

" I pray'd and cuss'd, and cuss'd and pray'd, imtil I couldn't
tell which I did last — and neither warn't of any use, they war
80 orrfully mix'd up.

" Well, I reckon I rid about an hour this way, when old
Briudle thought it war time to stop and take in a supply of wind
ami cool off a little ! So when we got round to a tree that stood
thar, he nat'rally baited !

•' ' Now,' sez I, * old boy, you'll lose one passenger sartin ! '

" So I just clumupona branch, kalkelating to roost thar till
I starved, afore I'd be rid round that ar way any more.

" I war makin* tracks for the top of the tree, when I heard
suthin' a makiu' an orful buzzin' over head, I kinder looked up,
and if thar warn't — well thar's no use sweariu' now, but it war
the biggest hornet's nest ever built !

" You'll gin in now, I reckon, Mike, case thar's no help for
you ! But an idea struck me, then, that I'd stand aheap better
chance a ridin' the old bull than where I war. Ses I, ' Old feller,

TRAITS OF AMEHICAN IIUMOru.

;3i:i

i:iuic ain't

out SUlUf-

^Iineby ho.
for 1 jcrit

LT.

oiik, hvciik

ine that I

Jjiil hotr,

be a luul o'

cum to tlio

I ^vas. y<»

II it waru't
i' down like

le bull aj^iu
had a spite

p as walk in'
a deck pas-
hen if you'd
iniaii iu that
ind I rolled
'other, tryin'

til I couldn't
se, they war

ly, when old
)ply of wind
ee that stood

ger sartin ! '

■oost thar till

nore.

hen I heard
r looked up,

w, but it war

s no help for
a heap better
, ' Old feller,

if you'll hol.l on. Til ride to tlie next station anyliow, let lliat
bo whar it will ! '

"So I jest drapped alioard him a<j;in, and looked ali.ft to sec
wliat I'd gained in ehani^iii'j; (|uurtt'rs ; and, gf'ntleiiu'n, I'm a
liar if thai' warn't nij^h half a bushel of the istiiii^eu' varmintf*
ready to pitch into me when the word ' fi;o ' was i;in !

*' Weil, I reckon they p;ot it, for 'all liands ' started for our
company ! Some on 'em hit tlu^ dogs — about i\ quart struck me,
and the rest changed old BrintDe,

" This time, the doj^s led olf fust, * dead ' beat, for tlio (jld
Deacon's, and as soon a;, old Brindle and I could <^et under way,
w'Q followed. And as I war only a deck ])assenger, and had
nothin' to do with stearin' the craft, I swore if I had we shouldn't
have run that channel, anyhow !

" But, as I said before, the dogs took the lead — "Brindle and
I next, and the hornets dre'kly arter. The dogs yellin', J5rindlo
bellcrin', and the hornets buzzin' and stingiu' ! I didn't say
notliin', for it warn't no use.

" Well, we'd got 'bout two hundred yards from the house, and
the Deacon hearn us aiul cum out. I seed him hold up his hands
and turn icJiite ! I reckon he were prayin' then, for lie didn't
expect to be called for so soon, and it warn't long, neither, afv)re
the hull congregation, men, women, and children, cum out, and
then all hands went to yellin' !

" None of 'em had the fust notion that Brindle and I belonged
to this world. I jest turned my lu'ad, and passed the /mil con-
gregation ! I seed the run would be up soon, for Brindle
couldn't turn an in(;h from a fence that stood dead ahead.

" Well, we reached that fence, and I went ashore, over the
old critter's head, landin' on t'other side, and lay thar stunniMl.
It warn't long afore some of 'em as war not so scared, come
round to see what I war, for all hands kalkelated that the bull
and I belonged together ! But when Jirindle walked olf by him-
self, they seed how it war, and one of 'em said:

*' 'Mike Fink has got the worst of the scrimmage o,ice in his
life!'

" Gentlemen, from that day I drapped ihacourtin bizziness,
and never spoke to a gal since ! And when my hunt is up on
this yearth, thar won't be any more F 1 X K S, and it's all owin'
to Deacon Smith's Brindle Bull."

Th'AITS or AMKUICAN III'MOUU.

LXTTI.

OUn STNOINO-SCnOOL.

A CHArTER FIIOM TlIK ITISTOUY OV THE TOWN f>F PKiWACKET,

My rccoikI cousin by tlio iiiollior's side, Bcnjaniiii Blaclc-
Iclicr, A.I\I., ^\■ll() ufis born aiul lived all his liti'linio in Iho
ancient, iown of Pi'jjwacket, lias compiled, ^itli scrupulous accu-
racy, the annals ot'lhat venerable town in three volumes folio,
^vhicll bo |)ro[)oses to puhlisb as soon as ho can find a Hoston
bookselK'r who will undertako tho joh. I hope this will bo ac-
coinj)li.she(l before loni,', for Pii^wacket is a very inlerestini^ spot,
th()u;^b not very widely known. ]t is astonishin-.,^ what inij)ort-
ant events are ^^oini^on every day, in odd corners of this country,
which tho world knows nothing about. AVhenI road over these
trusty folios, which bear the title*, "Tnio (j!kn£F{AL Hi.stouy
or TMi: Town of Vh.wxckkt, from its Jirst sctllnncut iinlil
Ihe prr>ir)tt dnt/, roDipr/.s/iif/ rut (nitlicnlic rchilion of all Us ciril,
mihl((ri/, ccch'siaslicnl^fiuoic'ud^ and stali.s[ic<d concerns, compiled
from ori final record^, <-j'''-," ^infl «<-'t3 ^ho <i;reat deeds that have
lu'cn dono in that respectable town, and the <j;rcat men that have
ii^^'ured therein, and rellect that the fame thereof, so far from
ext(Midin!jf to the four corners of the earth, has hardly penetrated
as far as Boston, I heave a siidi for mortal iilorv.

Knowing that my readers must be impatient for the apj)ear-
anco of the three folios of the History of Pigwacket, and as they
cannot bo put to press for some months, I avail myself of this
chance to feed their curiosity by an extract, as the cook at Ca-
iiiancho's wiMlding gave Sancho a cou[)lo of pullets to stay h'
stomach till dinner-time. Take then the ])ortion contained]
Chapter CLXXXVllI., which begins as follows: —

It becomes my lot at this period of the narrative to chroni-
cle an event that formed quite an epoch in the history of the
town, or rather of that part which constituted our parish.
This occurrence may not bo deemed by the world quite so
momentous as the Declaration of Indcqiendence, or the French
devolution, but the reader may believe me, it was a groat allair
in our connnunitv. This was no less than a mighty feud in
church matters about psalm-singing. The whole parish went
by the ears about it, and the allair ^avc the community such a

;gwacki:t.
tViimo ill 1!h5

■lipilloUHiU'Cll-

voluiiu's folio,
iiiul a r>t)stoii
his will bo iie-
lori'stin;^ sp(»t;,
r ^vh:lt import-
V this country,
viul over these

iRAL lIlSTOUY

cKlcmcnt until
of all it a civil,

\ccrns, compih'd
cds that have
men that have

of, so far from
dly penetrated

for the appear-
vet, and as they
myself of this
le cook at Ca-
ots to stay his
)U contained in
3: —

itivo to chronl-

history of the

,ed onr parish.

world qnite so

^ or the French

as a great aiVair

mighty feud in

ole parish went

iinnuuity such a

TKAITS or AMKIIICAN IIIMOITR.

ronse, that many pei^ple feared wo sliouhl never fairly roeover
the shock. The particulars were tlu'sc :

]''roni time immemorial we liad contirnied to slug n.sahns at
ineeliiiu;, as became good Cliristiatis and Iovlts of harmony.
Jhit my readers, accustomed to the iiuprovcmcnls of modern
days, have need to be informed that up to this [)criod,our con-
gregation had practised this accomplishment according to that
old nu'thod of j)Malmody, known by the designation of " read-a-
line-and-sing-a-line." This primitive practice, which had tivst
come into use when liymn-books were scarce, was still persisted
in, though the necessity for its contiiuiance no longer (>xisted.
Our ehurcli music, therefon^, exhihitcd the (piaint and patri-
nrchal alternation of recitation and melody, if melody it might
be called, while some towns in the neighbourhood had adopted
the new fashion, and snrjjrised us by the superiority of their
performances over tiie rude and homely ehants of old.

J3ut it was not long ere the wish to iuiprove our style of
pinging began to show itself among us. At the lirst announce-
ment of such a desig]!, the piety of many of the old members
took the alarm, and the new method was denounced as
licathonish and profane.

The chief personage who figured in the troubles wliich
arose upon this matter was Deacon Dogskin, a man of scrupu-
lous orthodoxy, highly dogmatical on theological points, ami a
leader of powerful inlluence in the church. This dignitary,
whose ofllce it had been to give out the several lines of the
psalm as they were sung, was one of the sturdiest opponents of
the new-fangled psalmody, and set his face against the innova-
tion with all the zeal and devotion of a primitive Christian.
Unfortunately for him, JJeacon Grizzle, his colleague, took the
opposite side of the question, exemplifying the vulgar saying,
" Two of a trade can never agree."

The discordancy, to tell the Avhole truth, between these two
worthies lay in more interests than one, and it is to be doubted
whether they would have come to a rupture in church alfairs,
had not their mutual animosities been quickened by certain
temporal janglings ; for so it happened that the two deacons
liei)t each a grocery store, and neither of them ever let a chance
slip of getting away the other's custom. Sorry I am to record
the frailties of two such rejmtable personages, who looked upon
themselves as burning and shining liglits in our community;
but I am afraid that the fact cannot be concealed, that the
])ctty bickerings which arose between them on these little
matters of filthy lucre were sulfered to intrude within the walls
of the sanctuary, and stir up the llamc of discord in the great

TRAITS OF AMEiaCAN HUMOUR.

'■yhsfi-

psalin-singing feud; ^v]loreby, as our noighboui' Hopper P.iul
Hii^elv renuii'ked, the world nuiy Icaru wiiidom, and Inv it down
as a mijxiin, that churcli afikirs can never thrive when the dea-
cons Lire grocers.

Deacon Grizzle, therefore, partly from conscience and
partly from spite, placed himself at the head of the innovators,
and took every occasion to annoy his associate with all sorts of
ingenious reasons why the singing should be performed without
any intermixture of recitation. The younger part of the con-
gregation were chiefly rr.nged under his banner, brt the older
people r.mstered strong on the opposiie side. To hear the dis-
putes that were carried on upon this point, and the pertinacity
with which each one maintained his opinion, an uninformed
spectator would have imagined the interests of the whole Chris-
tian world were at stake. In truth, a great many of the good
old souls really looked upon the act of altering the mode of
singing as a departure from tha faith given unto the saints. It
was a very nic ) and difficult thing to come to a conclusion
whe:e all parties were so hotly interested, but an in..Ment which
fell out not long afterward, contributed to hasten the revolution.

Deacon Dogskin, as I have already remarked, was the iu-
dividu?! on whom devolved, by prescriptive right, the duty of
giving out the psalm. The Deaccm was in all things a stickier
for ancient usages ; not only was lie against giving up a h lir's
breadth of the old custom, but his attachment to the antique
forms went so far as to embrace all the circumstances of imma-
terial moment connected \v'ith them. His predilection for the
old tone of voice was not to be overcome by any entreaty, and
we continued to licar the same nasal, snuffling drawl, which,
nobody knows how,, he had contracted in the early part of his
deaconship, although on common occasions he could speak well
enough. Jkit the tone was a part of his vocation ; long use
liad consecrated it, and the Deacon would iiave his way. His
psalm-book, too, by constant use had become to such a degree
thumbed and blurred and torn and worn, that it was a puzzle
how, with his old eyes, he could make anything of one half the
pages. However, a new psalm-book was a thing he would
never hear spoken of, for, although the thing could not be
styled an innovation, inasmuch as it contained precisely the
same collocation of words and syllables, } et it was the removal
of an old familiai* object from his sigiit, and his faith seemed to
be bound up in the greasy covers and dingy leaves of the volume.
So the Deacon stuck to his old psalm-book, and, by the help of his
memory where the letter-press tailed him, he made a shift to
keep up with the singers, who, to tell the truth, were not re-

Hopper P.iul
id l.'iy it down
when the dea-

)nscience and
he innovators,
itli all sorts of
jrined \Yithout
irt of the con-
br*". the older
o hear the dis-
he pertinacity
in uninfoniied
e whole Chris-
ay of the good
5 the mode of
the saints. It
) a conclusion
in..'dent which
the revolution,
id, was the iu-
it, the duty of
lings a stickier
up a li lir's
to the antique
uices of iniiiia-
lection for the
entreaty, and
drawl, which,
rly part of his
iild speak well
ion ; long use
lis way. His
such a degree
was a puzzle
if one half the
ing he would
could not be
precisely the
s the removal
ith seemed to
of the volume,
the help of his
ide a shift to
were not re-

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

317

)

markablc for the briskness of their notes, and dealt more in
semibreves than in demi-se mi-quavers.

But, on a certain day, it happened that the Deacon, lu the
performance of his ollice, stumbled on a line which happened to
be more than usually thumbed, and defied all his attempts to
puzzle it out. In vain he wiped his spectacles, brought the
book close to his nose, then held it as far off as possibh', then
brought his nose to the book, then took it away again, then
held it up to the light, then tunied it this way and that, winked
and snuliled and hemmed and coughed — the page was too
deeply grimed by the application of his own thumb, to be de-
ciphered by any ocular power. The congregation were at a
dead stand. They waited and waited, but ti.v. Deacon could
not give out the line ; every one starnd, and the greatest impa-
tience began to be manifested. At last Ehler Darby, who com-
monly took the lead in singing, called out :

" What's the matter. Deacon?"

"I can't read it," replied the Deacon in a dolorous and de-
spairing tone.

" Then spell it," exclaimed a voice from the gallery.

All eyes were turned tliat way, and it was found to proceed
from Tim Crackbrain, a fellow known for his odd and whimsi-
cal habits, and respecting whom nobody could ever satisfy him-
self whether he was knave, fool, or madman. The Deacon was
astounded, the congregation gaped and stared, but there was no
more singing that day. Tlie profane beliaviour of Tim caused
great scandal, and he was severely taken in ha'id by a regular
kirk session.

This, however, was not the whole, for it was plainly to be per-
ceived that the old system had received a severe blow in this oc-
currence, as no one could deny that such an awkward affair
could never have happened in the improved method of psalmody.
The affair was seized by the advocates of improvement, and
turned against their opponents. Deacon Dogskin and his ol'l
psalm-book got into decidedly bad odour ; the result could no
longer be doubtful; a parish meeting was held, and a resolution
passed to abolish the old system, and establish a singing scliool.
In such a manner departed this life, that venerable relic of ec-
clesiastical antiquity, read-a-liue-and-sing-a-line, and Ave de-
spatched our old acquaintance to the tomb of oblivion, un-
wept, unhonoured, but not unsung.

This event, like all great revolutions, did not fail to give
sad umbrage to many in the church ; and as to Deacon Dog-
skin, who had fought as the great cliampion of the primitive
bystem, he took it in such dudgeon that he fell into a tit of the

318

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIU.MOUR.

iillt

-•liidi resulted

n determiuation to leave a comniimity
where liis opinion and autliority had been so flagrantly yet at
nought, AVitliin two years, tliereforc, ho sold oil' liis Ibrni,
settled all liis concerns both temporal and spiritual in the
town, and removed to a village about fifteen miles dit^tant.
His ostensible motive for the removal was his declining age,
which he declared to be unequal to the cultivation of so largo
a farm as he possessed in our neiglibourhood ; but the true
reason was guessed at by every one, as the Deacon could never
speak of the singing-school without evident marks of chagrin.

Be this as it may, we proceeded to organize the singing-
school forthwith, for it was determined to do tilings in style.
First of all, it was necessary to find a singing-master who was
competent to instruct us theoretically in the principles of the
art, and put us to tlie full discipline of our powers. JS'o one,
of course, thought of going out of the town for this, and our
directors shortly pitched upon a personage known to every-
body by the name of Hopper Paul. Tiiis man knew nioro
tunes than auf person within twenty miles, and, for aught we
knew, mure than any other man in the world. He could siu"-
Old Hundred, and Little IMarlborough, and Saint Andrews,
and J3ray, and ]M('ar, and Tanzar, and Quercy, and at least
half a dozen others whose names I have forgotten, so that he
was looked upon as a nuisical prodigy.

I shall never forget Hopper Paul, for both the sounds and
sights he exhibited were such as could hardly be called earthly.
He was about six feet and a half high, exceedingly lank and
long, with a countenance which at the tlrr<t sight would suggest
to you the idea that he had suflered a face-quake, for the dif-
ferent parts of his visage appeared to have been shakc^n out of
their places and never to have settled properly together. His
mouth wr^ capable of such a degree of dilation and collapse
and twisting, that it looked like a half a dozen pair of lips
sewed into one. The voice to which this comely pair of jaws
gave utterance might have been compared to the lowing of a
cow, or the deepest bass of an overgrown bull-frog, but hardly
to any sound made by human organs.

Hopper Paul, possessing all these accomplishments, was
therefore chosen head singer, and teacher of the school, which was
immediately set on foot. This was a great all'air in the eyes of
all the young persons of both sexes, the thing being the first of
that sort which had ever been heard of in our parts ; for though
the natives of the town were a psalm-singing race, like all
genuine Xew Englanders, yet they iiad hitherto learned to sing
much in the same way as they learned to talk, uut by theory,

TilAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

310

acomaumity

rriintly ^^'^ ''^
)il" his IbiMii,
■ituiil in the
iiiles distant,
icclining age,
)ii of so large
but the true
11 could never
3 of chagriu.
3 the singing-
lings in style,
aster who \vas
iuciples of the
■ors. No one,
• this, and our
own to every-
11 knew more
I, for aught ^ve
lie could sing
■aint Andrews,
;, and at least
Lten, so that he

the sounds and
called earthly,
iiiffly lank and
^YOuld suggest
Ice, for the dif-
shak(^n out of
together. His
u "and collapse
en pair of lips
ly pair of jaws
he lowing of a
rog, but hardly

dishments, was
kiool, which was
[r in the eyes of
leing the iirst of
Irts; forthougli
race, like all
'learnt d to sing
not by theory,

but in the plainest way of practice, eacli individual joining in
with tlie strains tliat were clianted at meeting according to the
best of his jutlgnient. In this incthod, as the reader may su[)pose,
tliey made but a bhmdering sort of melody, yet as the tunes
were few, and each note drawled out to an unconscionable iengt h,
all were more or less familiar with their parts, or if they got into
the wrong ke}^ had time to change it ere tlie line was ended.
But things were now to be set on a different footing ; great deedd
were to be done, and eacli one was anxious to nuike a figure in
the grand choir. All the young people of the parish were assem-
bled, and we began operations.

How we got tlu'ough our first essays, I need not say, except
that w'e made awkward work enough of it. There were a great
many voices tliat seemed nuide for nothing but to spoil all our
melody : but what could we do ? All were determined to learu
to sing, and Hopper Paul was of opinion that the bad voices
would grow mellow by practice, though how he could think so
whenever he lieard his own, passes my comprehension. How-
ever, we could all raise and fall the notes, and that was something.
AVe met two evenings in each week during the winter, and by
the beginning of spring we had got so well drilled in the gamut
that we began to practise regular tunes. Isow we breathed
ibrth such melodies as I think have seldom been heard elsev.here ;
but as we had no standard of excellence to show us the true
character of our performances, we could never be aware that our
iDUsic was not ecpial to the harmony of the spheres.

It was thought a peculiar excellence to sing through the nose,
and take a good reasonable time to swell out every note. Many
of us were apt to get into too high a key, but that was never re-
garded, provided we made noise enough. In short, after a great
deal more practice we were pronounced to be thoroughly skilled
in the science, for our lungs had been put to such a course of
discipline that every one of us could roar with a most stentorian
grace ; and as to our connnander-in-chief, no man on earth
ever deserved better uan he, the name of Boanerges, or Son of
Thunder.

It was decided, therefore, that on Fast day next we sliould
take the field ; so we wer»^ all warned to prepare ourselves to
enter the singing seats at the meeting on that eventful day.
Should I live a thousand years, I shall never forget it ; this was
to be the tirst public exhibition of our prowess, and we were
exhorted to do our best. The exhortation was unnecessarv, for
we were as ambitious as the most zealous of our friends could
desire, and we were especially careful in rehearsing the tunes
before-hand.

320

TUATTS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

The (lay arrived, and v:c marched in a hody to take posses-
sion. No stalwart kiiir,dits, at a tournament, ever spurred their
eliar'^'ers into the lists v.il li inoro pompous and important feelings
tlum we entered the singing seats. The audience, of course, wer«-
all expectation, and when the hymn was given out, we heard it
with beating hearts.

It was amusing, liowever, in the midst of our trepidation, to
witness the countenance of Deacon Dogykin, who was obliged
to sit lacing us during the whole service. His looks were as sour
and cynical as if lie could have driven us out of the house, and
he never vouchsafed to cast a glance at us from beginning to end
of the performance. There was another person who had been a
great stickler for the ancient usage. This was Elder Darby, who
had been head singer under the Deacon's administration, and
looked upon himself as dividing the honours of that system with
the Deacon himself. He accordingly fought hard against the
innovation, and was frequently heard to declare that the whole
platform of Christian doctrine would be undermined, if more than
one line was suflered to be simg at a time. In fact, this person-
age, being what is emphatically called a "weak brother," but
full of zeal a)id obtitinacy, gave us a great deal more trouble than
the Deacon, who was not deficient in common shrewdness, not-
withstanding his oddities. This was a bitter day, therefore, to
Elder Darby, who felt very awkward at finding his occupation
gone, and his enemies triumphant all in the same moment.

But we were now called upon to sijig, and every eye, except
those of the Deacon and a few others, was turned upw^ard : the
hymn was given out. Hopper Paul brandished his pitch-pipe and
set the tune, and we began with stout hearts and strong lungs.
Such sounds had never been heard within those walls before.
The windows rattled, and the ceiling shook with the echo, in
such a manner that some people thought the great chandelier
would have a down-come. Think of tlie united voices of all the
sturdy, able-bodied lads and lassies of the parish pouring forth
the most uproarious symphony of linked sweetness long drawn
out, that their lungs could furnish, and you will have some faint
idea of our melodious intonations. At length we came to a
verse in the hyuni where the words chimed in with the melody
in such a striking; and effective manner that the result w^as over-

poweruig.

The verse ran thus : —

" So pilgrims on the scorching sand,
Beneath a burning sky.
Long ibr a cooling stream at hand,
.•iud they must drink, or die."

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

321

;ake posses,
purred their
tant feelings
cours(% ^ver^-
we heard it

cpidation, to
was obliged
were as sour
e house, and
lining to end
10 had been a
r Darby, who
istration, and
t system with
•d against the
lat the whole
i, if more than
t, this person-
brother," but
3 trouble than
•ewdness, not-
therefore, to
kis occupation
! moment.
Ty eye, except
I upward : the
pitch-pipe and
strong lungs,
walls before.
. the echo, in
■eat chandelier
oices of all the
pouring forth
iss long drawn
lave some faint
we came to a
ith the melody
suit was over-

A\nien we struck one after another into the third line, and trolled
forth the reiterations,

" Long for a cooling —
Long for a cooling —
Long for a cooling— coo — oo — ooling,"

we verily thought, one and all, that we were soaring up — up —
upwards on the combined euphony of the tune and syllables,
into the seventli heaven of harmony. The congregation were
rapt into ecstasies, and thought they had never heard music till
then. It was a most brilliant triumph for us ; every voice, as
we thought, though of course the malcontents must be excepted,
struck in with us, and swelled the loud pi'al till the walls rung
again. But I must not omit to mention the strange conduct of
Elder Darby, who, in the midst of this burst of enthusiastic ap-
probation, never relaxed the stern and sour severity of his looks,
Dut took occasion of the first momentary pause in the melody,
to utter a very audible and disdainful expression of "Chalf!
chaft'! chaff! chaff! chaff!"

Deacon Grizzle was by no means slow in perceiving these
manifestations of the Elder's mortified feelings, and did not fail
to join him on his way home from meeting, for the express pur-
pose of annoying him. further by commendations of Am perform-
ances. All he could get in reply was a further exclauuition of
*' Chaff! chaff! chaff! chaff! chaff!" In fact, the Elder's
obstinacy was incurable ; he was seized during the following week
with a strange deafness in one of his ears, and as it happened,
very strangely too, to be that ear w'hich was turned towards the
singing seats when he sat in his pew, he declared it would be
impossible to hear sufficiently well on that side of his head, to
accompany the singers : as to altering his position, it was not to
be thought of: he had occupied the same spot for forty years,
and could no more be expected to change his seat than to
change his creed. The consequence was, that on the day we
began singing, the Elder left off. From that time forth, Le
never heard the subject of church psalmody alluded to, without
a chop-fallen look, a rueful shake of the head, a sad lamentation
over the decline of sound Christian doctrine, and a peevish and
indignant exclamation of "Chaff! chaff! chaff! chuff! chaff!"

322

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

LXIV.

WHERE JOE MEIlIAVEATnEB WENT TO.

" I DO believe that's Bill Meriweather," said the old lady
hostess of the sign of " The Buck " tavern, as attracted by the
noise of a horse's hoofs, slie raised her eyes from her occupation
of stringing dried slips of pumpkin, and descried, this side of
tlie first bond in the rond, a traveller riding a jaded liorse
towards the mansion.

" I do believe tiiat's Bill Meriweather. It's about time for
him to be round agin a buyin' shoats. But whar's Joe ? Phil-
lisy Ann," continued INlrs Harris, raising her voice, " catch
a couple of young chickens, and get supper ready soon as ye can,
you dratted lazy wench you, for here comes Bill Meriweather.
But whar's Joe ? How do you do, Mr Meriweather," con-
eluded the old lady, as the stranger arrived in front of the
porch.

" Lively," replic d that individual as he proceeded to dismount
and tie his horse. " How do you come on yourself, old 'omen."

" Pretty well. Bill ; how's r^raps down in your parts ? "

" Bad, uncommon bad," replied Bill, " there's a new varmint
come around in our country, that's got a mortal likin' fur the
tobacker crap. They looks a good deal like a fox, but are as big
as a three year old nigger, and kin climb a tree lik3 a squearl,
and they steals a dozen or so ' hands ' every night, and next
mornin' if you notice, you'll see all the tops of the pine-oaks
around the plantation kivered with them a dryin', and the infer-
nal chawtobacks — that's what we call 'em— a settin' up in a
crotch, a ehawin' what is cured, and squirtin' ambeer all over
the country. Got any on 'eui up here yet? "

" The goodness, Lord ha' me-rcy, no. Bill ! But whar's
Joe ? " Up to this time Mr Meriweather had been as pleas-
ant and jovial a looking Green Jiiver man, as you might find
in a week's ritle along the southern border of Kentucky, and
had finished his lecture on the natural history of the chawto-
back and the unsaddling his horse at the same time ; but no
sooner had the old lady asked the question, " Whar's Joe ? "
than he instantaneously dropped on the bench alongside the
questioner, gave her an imploring look of pity and despair, let
his head fall into his open palms, and bending down both un-
til they nearly touched his knees, he uttered such a sigii as

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

the old lady
racted by the
er occupation
[1, this side of
t jaded horse

iboiit time for
.'s Joe ? Phil-
voice, "catch
soon as ye can,
Meriweather.
veather," con-
i front of the

led to dismount
>U; old 'omen."
r parts? "
a new varmint
. likin' fur the
, but are as big

lik3 a squearl,
ight, and next

the pine-oaks
',andtheinter-
settin' up in a
jnbeer all over

I But whar's
been as pleas-
you might hud
'Kentucky, and
of the chawto-
e time ; but no
Whar's Joe?"
alongside the
and despair, let
down both un-
such a sign as

might a Louisville and New Orleans eiglit-boiler steam-packet
in the last stage of collapsed flues.

" Goodness, gracious, Bill ! what's the matter?" cried the
old lady, letting her stringing apparatus fall. " liev you got
the cramps? Phillisy Aim, bring tliat bottle here outen the
cupboard, quick, and some pepper pods ! "

"Ah — li ! no!" siglu'd the sulVerer, not changing his posi-
tion, but mournfully shaking his head," 1 ain't got no cramps."
However, Phillisy Ann arriving in "no time" with the article
of household furniture called ft/r, that gentleman, utterly dis-
regarding the pepper pods, proceeded to pour out into a tum-
bler, preparatory to drinking, a suiiieient quantity of amber-
coloured fluid to utterly exterminate any cranq)s that might,
by any possibility, be secretly lingering in his system, or forti-
fy himself against any kntxwn number that might attack him
in the distant future ; and having finished, immediately assumed
liis former position, and went into most surprisingly exact imi-
tations of a wheezy locomotive on a foggy morning.

" jMerciful powers ! what can the matter be ? " exclaimed
the widow, now thoroughly excited, as Mr Meriweatiier ap-
peared to be getting no better, but was rocking himself up and
down, " like a man who is sawing marble," groaning and mut-
tering inarticulate sounds, as if in the last extremity of bodily
anguish. But Mr Meriweather was for some time unable to
make any reply that could be understood, liutil at length, at
the conclusion of a very fierce paroxysm, the widow thought
she could catch the two words, " Poor Joe ! "

"Is there anything the matter with Joe? " asked the old
lady. If it were possible for any one man to feel and suller, as
far as appearances went, all the agony and misery that a half
dozen of the most miserable and unfortunate of the human
family ever have felt and suffered, and yet live, Mr Meriwea-
ther certainly was that individual, for he immediately went off
into such a state of sighs, groans, and lamentations, mingled
with exclamations of " Poor Joe ! " " Poor Brother Joe ! "
that tlie widow, aroused to the highest state of sympathy and
pity, could do nothing but wipe iier eyes with her apron, aud
repeat the question.

" Whar is Joe, Mr iMoriweather, is he sick ? "

" Oh — h — no! " groaned his mourning brother.

"Is he dead then? poor Joe!" faintly in([uired the old
lady.

"I don't know that," was the broken reply.

" The Lord ha' mercy on our sinful sowls ! then wJiar is

32 i

TRAITS OF AMEPICAN lUIMOUn.

he?" criod the "uidow, hri'uki.if^ out refresh. "Is ho run
awiiy to Urlejuis — or j^one to Calit'oruey ? Yes, that's it! and
the poor boy'll be eaten' up by them 'diggi-rs ' that tliey say
goes rootin' round that outJandiHli country, like a set of mean
Btinkin' ground-hogs. Poor Joe! lie was a line little fellow,
an' it was only the other day last year, when you was on your

rounds, that he eat all my little bo ."

" ISo, he ain't gone to Californey as I know," interrupted
his brother.

" Then, for mercy's sake ! do tell a body what's become on
him I " rather tartly i)iquired the old lady.

"Why, you see, INlrs Harris," replied Mr JNIeriweather, still
keeping tiie same position, and interrupting the narrative with
several bursts of grief (which nell leave out). " Vou see,
]Mr3 Jlariis, Joe and I went up airly in the spring to get a
boat load of rock iVoin J^oone county, to put up tlie foundation
of the new hou^;es we're buildin', fur there ain't no rock down
in tlicm rich sily bottoms in our parts. AVell, we go' ahmg
pretty coni'jiderable, fur we had (ivt.i ivcgs of blast ahmg, and
what with the hire of some lig^er'^', we managed to get our
boat loaded, an' started ''ur '.oiiie m about three w<3eks. Yon
never did see anvthin' rain like it did the fust dav we was
floatin' down, but we worked like a cornfilled nigger ov a
Crismus week, and pretty near sundown we'd made a matter ov
nigh twenty mile aibre we wore ashore and tied up. Well, as
we didn't have any shelter on the Hat, we raised a rousin' big
lire on the bank, close to wiiar she was tied up, and cooked
some grub; and I'd eaten a matter of two pounds of side, and
half of a possum, and was sittin' on a log, smokin' a Kaintuck
rcgaly, and a talkin' to Brother Joe, who was a standin' cliock
up agin the fire, with his back to it. You recullex, Airs Harris,
]i:otiier Joe allers was a dressy sort of a chap — fond of brass
buttons on his v.oat and the ilaim'est kind of red neckerchers ;
and this time he liad buckskin breeches, with straps under his
boots. AVeJl, wdien 1 was a tidkin' tr him ov the pru?<pect fur
the next day, all ov a sudden 1 thought the little iclhr was j.
gri'win' uncommon tail; till I di:^;kiv'ered that the buckskin
breeches, that wur as wet as a yoiuig rooster in a spring rain,
Vvur beginning to smol^e and draw up kinder, and wur a liftin'
Brother Joe ott'the ground.

" ' Brother Joe,' sez 1, 'you're a goin' up.*
" * Brother Bill,' se /. he, ' I ai'nt a chnn' unythin' else.'
" And he scrunched down laighty ha-'' ; but it warn't ov no
use, fur f'.for long he v. ur a matter of some Hi'teen feet up in
the air."

;

*";^

' 18 ho run
lilt's il ! and
lat they suy
set of meuu
little telluw,
was on your

iuterrupted

3 become on

weather, still
irrative with
" Vou see,
[•ini; to get a
e I'oundation
10 rock down
ve ^o' ahnig
t along, and
d to get our
weeks. You
day we was
I nigger ov a
e a matter ov
ip. Well, as
a rousin' big
, and cooked
i of side, and
.' a Kaintuck
an din' chock
, Mrs Harris,
bnd of brass
neckerchers ;
ps vuider his
proj^pect fur
icllur was a,
he buckskin
spring rain,
wur a liftiu'

a' else.'
warn't ov no
en I'eet up in

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

32u

" ^rorcir-.d powers," interrupted the widow.

" ' Brother Joe,' sez I.

" * I'm here,' &<}/- lie.

" ' Catch hold ov the top ov that Idaok-jnck,' 9C7. T.

"'Talk!' sez lirother Joe. iiiul he stjrier leaned ovct nnd
prahbed the saplin', like as maybe you've seed a scju'el haul in
an elm switch ov a June mornin'. But it warn't ov no use,
fur, old 'omen, ef you'll believe mo, it gradually begun to givo
way at the roots, and afore he\I got five foot higher, it jist sli))-
]M'd out er the ground, as easy as you'd pull up a sjiriug red-
dish.

" ' Brother Joe ! ' sez 1 agin.

"'J'm a list'nin',' S(>/, he.

" ' Cut your st raps ! ' sez T, for 1 seed it was Ills last chnnoe.

" * Talk ! ' sez lirother Joe, tho' ho looked sort a r(.'[)roac!iful
lil;e at me fur broachin' such a subject; but arter appaivuily
cousiderin' awhile, ho outs with his jack-knife, an' leai ;■' over
hideways, made a rip at the sole of his left foot. There was a
considerable deal ov crack h"n' fur a second or two, then a crash
sorter like as if a waggon-load of wood had bruck down, and the
I'ust thing I know'd, the t'other leg shot up like, and started
him; and the hist thing 1 seed ov Jbother Joe, he was a
U'hirliii' roi'ud like a j\mr-sj)oked wheel iciih the rini ol/] aicaij
vccrclost ioward auudoicn ! "

LXV.

GEORGIA TIirATRICS.

If my memory fail me not, the lOth of June, IS — , found
ne, at about eleven o'clock in the j'orenoon, nsci'ndiiig a Icjiig
and gentle sloj^e in what was called "Tiie Dark Corner" of
Lincoln. I ])elieve it took its name from the moral darkness
which reigned over that portionof the county at the time of which
T am speaking. If, in this point of view, it was but a shade
darker than the county, it was inconceivably dark. If any
nmn can name a trick or sin which had not been committed at
the time of which 1 am speaking in the very focus of all the
county's illumination (Lincolnton), h*^ must himself be the
most inventive of the tricky, and the very Judas of sinners.
vSince that time, however (all humour asa'e), Lincoln has be-
come a living ])roof " that light shiueth in daikness." Could I

32G

TKATTS OF AMF.KICAX HUMOUR.

vontiiro to miiii:j;l(? tlic solonm with the ludicrous, oven for tli(?
])iir|)os('.s of liouoiii'iihk' contrast, 1 could adduce from this
county instances of the most nunu-rous and wonderful transi-
tions, from vice and folly tf) virtue and holiness, which luivo
ever ])erhn[)s been witnessed Hincu the days of the Apostolic
ministry.

So much, lest it should l)e thouLjlit by some that what I am
about to relate is eharaeteristie of the county iu which it oc-
curi'cd.

Whatever may bo said of the moral condition of the Dark
Corner at the time just mentioned, its natural condition was
anythiuL,' but dark. It smiled in all the charms of sprin;^ : and
spring- borrowed new charms from its uiululatiuii; ^^roinids, its
lu.xuriant woodlands, its sportive streams, its vocal birds, and
its blushin;^ llowers.

Kapt w'itli the enchantment of the season, and the scen(>ry
around me, 1 was slowly rising the slope, when I was startled
by loud, j)rofane, and boisterous voices, which schemed to ])ro-
ceed from a thick covert of undernrowth about two bundled
vards in the advance of uie, and about one hundred to the riiiht
ot mv road :

"'You kin, kin you?"

"Yes, 1 kin, and am able to do it! Bo — oo — oo! Oh,
wake snakes, and walk vour chalks! Brimstone and tire!
don't hold me, Nick IStoval ! The li'^ht's made up, and let's
fio at it. jNly soul, if 1 don't jump dowji his throat and gallop
every chittei'ling out of him before you can say 'quit ! ' "

"jS'ow, jN'ick, don't hold him. Jist let the wild cat come,
and I'll tame him. Ned'll see me a fair tight, won't you,
^ed ? "

" Oh yes, I'll see a fair fight, blame my old shoes if I don't."

" That is suilicient, as Tom llaynes said when lie saw the
elephant. Now let him come ! "

Thus they went on, with countless oaths interspersed,
which I dare not even hint at, and with much that I could uot
distinctly hear.

'' In mercy's name," thought T, " whafrband of ruffians has
selected this holy season and this heavenly retreat for such
Pandemonian riots ? "

I quickened my gait, and had come nearly opposite to the
thick grove whence the noise proceeded, when my eye caught
indistinctly and at intervals, through the foliage of the dwarf
oaks and hickories which intervened, glimpses of a man or men
who seemed to be in a violent struggle, and I could occasionally
catch those deep-draw^n emphatic oaths which meu iu conHict

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

IJ1I7

I, even for tlio
ICO froiii this
uliM't'iil trniisi-
s, wliicli hav<?
tlio Apostolic

luit wliiit I a!u

I Nvhicli it oc-

II of tlie Dark
condition was
of y|)rin<^ : and
\rr (jjrouiids, its
)cal birds, and

id tlie sconcrv
I was startled
.^enicd to pro-
two linndied
sd to the right

00 — 00 ! Oil,
one and firt> !

up, and k't'a
oat and gallop
quit ! ' "

ild cat come,
t, won't you.

OS if I don't."
u he saw the

interspersed,
at I could not

^f rufBaus has
rcat for such

)posite to the
ly eye caught
of the dwarf
I man or men
d occasionally
leu in conliict

utter when they deal blows. I dismounted, and liurried to tha
spot with all speed. I had overcome about half the spaco
which separated it from me, when 1 saw tlie combatants cimio
to the ground, and after a short strugi^le, I saw the uppermost
one (for 1 could not see the other) make a heavy plunge with
both his thumbs, and at the same instant 1 heard a cry :

" Enough ! my eye's out ! "

I was so completely horror-struck that T stood transfixed for
a moment to the si)ot where the cry met me. The accomplices
in the hellish deed which had been perpetrated had all iled at
my approach ; at least 1 supposed so, for they were not to bo
seen.

" Now you old corn-shucking rascal," said the victor (a youtli
about eighteen years old), as he rose from the ground, '" como
cutt'n your shines 'bout me iigin, next time 1 come to the Court
House, will you? Get your owl eye in again, if you can."

At this moment he saw me for the lirst time. He looked
excessively embarrassed, and was moving olf when 1 called to
him in a tone emboldened by my oillce and the iniquity of his
crime :

" Come back, you villain, and as.-int me in relieving your
fellow-mortal, whom you have ruined tor ever ! "

My rudeness subdued his embarrassment in an instant, and
with a taunting curl of the nose he replied :

" You needn't kick before you're sjjurred. There ain't no-
body there, nor han't been nother. I was jist seein' how 1 could
'a fou't."

So saying, he bounded to his plough, which stood in tho
fence about fifty yards beyond the battle-ground.

And w^ould you believe it, gentle reader, his report was true ?
All that I had heard and seen was nothing more or less than a
Lincoln rehearsal, in which the youth who had just left me
had played all the parts of all the characters in a Court House
fight.

I went to the ground from which he had risen, and there
were the prints of his two thumbs plunged up to the balls in
the mellow earth, about the distance of a man's eyes apart, and
the ground around was broken up, as if two stags had been
engaged upon it.

328

TliAITS OF AM£liICAN HUMOUR.

LXVI.

TAKING THE CENSUS.

Oi'R next onoountor waa with an old lady, notorious in her
noii;libuiirh()ud for her j;arriility and siinjile-mindcdiiL'SS. J lor
Kxjuacity knew no bounds ; it was constant, unruMuttin<;, intor-
luinablo, and soinotinics laughably silly. !Sho was inteivsti'd in
(juito a largo Chancory suit, which had boon dragging its slow
length tor several years, and furnished her with a conversational
fund, which she drew n[)on extensively, uniU'r thj idea that its
merits could never be suiliciently discuissod. Having boon
"Warned of her propensity, and being somewhat hurried when
we called upon her, we were disposed to got through buaitiosH
fls soon as possible, and without hearing her enumeration of the
strong points of her law case. (Striding into the house, and
drawing our papers :

" Taking the census, Ma'am," quoth we.

" Ah, well, yes ! bless your soul, take a seat. Now do ! Are
you the gentlemen that Mr Fillmore has sent out to take the
censis ? I wonder — well, good Lord, look down ! how was Mr
1^'illmore and family when you seed him ? "

AVe told her we had never seen the President ; didn't know
him from a piece of sole-leather ; " we had been written to to take
the census."

" Well now, there agin ! love your soul ! Well, I s'pose IM r
Pillmore writ you a letter, did he ? ^o ! Well, God be praised,
there's mighty little here to take down ; times is hard, God's
will be done ! but looks like people can't get their rights in
this country, and the law is all for the rich, and none for the
poor, praise the Lord ! Did you ever hear tell of that case my
boys has got cgin old Simpson ? Looks like they will never get
to the end on it, glory to his name ! The children will suller, I'm
mighty afeaf^d, Lord give us grace ! Did you ever see Judge
R. ? Yes ! Well, the Lord preserve us ! Did you ever he:ir
him say what he's agwine to do in the boys' case agin Simpson ?
No ! Good Lord ! Well, Squire, tviJl you ax him the next
time you see him, and write me word, and tell him what I say ?
I'm nothing but a poor widow, and my boys has got no larnin',
and old Simpson tuk 'em in. It's a mighty hard case, and the
will ought never to a been broke, but — "

Here we interposed, and told the old lady that our time waa

TUAITS OP AMERICAN HUMOUR.

329

orioiis in lier
i'(liies8. IUt
liuiti*;, intcr-
j inieivsU'd in
rcrintr its hIow
jouveraational
} idea that its
Jlavinj; boon
Imniod when
ouiih biisinosa
leration ot tho
iie huudu, and

Now do ! Are
>ut to tuko the
! how was Mr

t ; didn't know
tten to to take

ell, I s'pose IMr
od be praised,
is hard, God's
;heir rights in

none for the

)f that case my

will never ,g;et

will suiter, I'm

ver see Judi^e

you ever hear
agin Simpson ?

him the next
m what I say ?
got no lariiin',
i case, and the

it our time was

precious — tlmt wo wii*lied to take down tho nnmbor of her
I'ainily, and the produce rained by her hist year, ami bo oH'. After
a pood deal of troul)h', we got through with tiie description of
tlie members of her family, and tho " atatistical table," as far as
the article " cloth."

" How many yards of cotton cloth did you weave in ISoO,
Ma'am ? "

"Well now, tho Lord have mercy! less see. You know
Sally lliggins that used to live in the Smith settlement ? I'oor
thing! her daddy drove her off all on the 'count of .lack JMilliT,
poor eret'tur ! poor gal ! she couldn't help it, J dare say. VV^'II,
Sally she come to stay 'long wi' me when the old man dfuv
her away, and she was a powerful good hand to weave, ami I
did think she'd help nm a power. Well, arter shed bin here
awhile, her baby hit took sick, and old JMiss S; ringer she
undertook to help it. She's a ])( werful good hatid, old Miss
Stringer, on roots and yearbs and sieh like! Well, the Lord
look down from above! she made a sort of a tea, as 1 was a
tellin', and she gin it to Sally's baby ; it got wuss — the poor
creetur — and she gin it tea, and looked like the more she gin
it tea, the more — "

"My dear Madam, I'm in a hurry — please tell me how
many yards of cotton you wove in ISOO. I want to get
through and go on."

" Well, well, the Lord have mercy ! who'd a tliought
you'd a bin so snappish r* AVcll, as 1 wax a sayin', Sally's
child it kept gettin' wus, and old Miss Stringer she kept a
givin' it the yearb tea, till at last the child hit looked like
hit would die anyhow. And 'bout the time tho child was at
its wust, old Daddy Sikes he come along, and he said if wo
git some nightshed berries and stew them with a little eream
and some hog's lard. Now old Daddy Sikes is a mighty tine
old man, and he giv the boys a heap of mighty good counsel
about that case.

" ' Boys,' said he, ' I'll tell you what you do ; you go
and—' "

"In the name of goodness, old lady," said we," tell about
your cloth; and let the sick ciiild and Miss Stringer, Daddy
Sikes, the boys, and the law-suit, go to Old Scratch. I'm
in a hurry ! "

" Grracious, bless your dear soul ! don't git aggravated.
I was jist a tell'n' you how it come I didn't weave no cloth
last year."

" Oh, well, y^ou didn't weave any cloth last year. Good !
We'll go on to the next article."

330

TKAITS

AMERICAN 1IC:M01JR.

" Yes ;

valler, jir.'l

knovv'd '*

" Never
4-^ ....;^ ...

you HOC
liit kept

mind ab

the (
v.: -vva!

3 lit tl
..,1 1„

'liild liit be^un to
ilii its eyes, and a

le child— just tell i
.i- , „ '>

swell and turn
moaiiiu', and I

me the value of

lie poujiry you. raised last year

" Oh, well — yes — the chickens, you means. Why, the
Lord love your poor soul ; I reckon you never in your born
days SCO a creel iir ha .e the luck that I did — and looks like
Ave never shall have any good luck agin ; for ever since old
Simpson tuk that case up to the Chancery Court — "

" Never mind the case, let's hear about the chickens, if
you please."

" God bless you, honey ! the owls destroyed in and about
the best half that 1 did raise. Every blessed night that the
Lord did send, they'd come and set on the comb of the houae,
and hoo, hoo ; and oao night in particklar I remember, 1 hjd
iiist got up with the nightshcd salve to 'int the little gal
"wilh— "

" Well, well, what was the value of Avhat you did raise? "

*' The Lord above look down ! They got so bad — the
owls did — that they tuk the old hens as well as the young
chickens. T'le night 1 was a tellin' 'bout, I heard somethin's
s-q-u-a-1-1 ! s-q-u-a-1-1 ! and says I, " I'll bet tliat s old Speck,
that misty av.dacious owl's got, for I see her go to roost
with the 'diickens up in the plum-tree, forenenst the smoke-
house."

" So I went to wliar old Miss Stringer was sleepin', and
says I,

"' J^.Iiss Stringer ! oh Miss Stringer! suro's you're born,
that owl's got old Speck out'n the plum-tree."

'• Well, old Miss Stringer she turned over 'pon her b.'de
like, and says she,

" ' What did vou say, Miss Stokes ? "

" And says J :— "

AVe began vo get very tired, and signified the same to the
old lady, and begged her to answer us directly, and without
circumlocution..

" The Lord Almighty love your dear heart, honey, I'm
tellin' you as last I kin. The owls they got worse and
worse ; after they'd swept old Speck and all her g^mg, they
wnt to work on t'others ; and Bryant (that's one of my
boys), he 'lowed he'd shoot the pestersome creettirs. And
so one night arter that we heai-n one holler, and Bryant he
tuk t!io old musket and weut out, and sure enough there

II mifl turn
tiiiiii', and 1

l;lie value of

Why, the
L your born
1 looks like
;r since old

chickens, if

n and about
;ht that the
jf the house,
3mber, 1 h.id
le little gal

did raise ? "

so bad — the

i the young

d somcthin's

s old Speck,

go to roost

;he smoke-

eepin', and

ou're born,

jn her s.do

same to the
nd without

honey, I'm
Avorse and
gi^ng, they
one of my
[urs. And
I Bryant he
)Ugh there

TKAITS OF AMERICAN IIUMOUK.

331

was owley (as he thciught) a sittin' on the comb of the house,
80 he blazed away, and down come — wliat on airth did come
down, do you reckon, when Bryant fired? "
" The owl, I suppose."

"No sich thing; no sich thing; the owl warn't thnr.
'Twas my okl hoi'so cat camo a tumblin' down spittin', sput-
terin', and scratcliin', and the fur a ilyin' every time slio
jumped, like you'd busted a featlicr-bed open. Bryant he
said the way he come to shoot the cat, instead of the owl, ho
seed somcthin' white — "

" For heaven's sake, Mrs Stokes, give me the value of
your ])oultry, or say you will not. Do one tiling or the
other."

" Oh, well, dear love your heart, I reckon I had last year
nigh about the same as I've got this."

''Then tell me how many dollars' worth you have now,
and Ihe thing's settled."

" I'll let you see for yourself," said "Widow Stokes ; and
taking an ear of corn between the logs of the cabin, and
shelling oif a handful, she commenced scattering the grain,
all the while screaming or rather screeching, " Chick ! chick !
chick! chickee! chickee! chickec-ee!"

Here they came, roosters, hens, pullets, and little chicks ;
crowing, cackling, chirping. Hying, and iluttering against her
sides, pecking at lier hands, and creating a din and confusion
altogether indescribable. The old lady seemed delighted,
thus to exhibit her feathered " stock," and would occasionally
exclaim,

" A nice passel ! ain't they a nice passel ! "
But sh<^ never would say what they were worth, and no
persuasion could bring her to the point. Our papers at
Washington contain no estimate of the value of the Widow
Stokes's poultry, though, as she said herself, she had a
"mighty nice passel."

LXYII.

A FAMILY PICTURE.

Mr Hill, in one of his many visits "down east," was be-
lated one evening, and was compelled to seek shelter at a

832

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Kinall farm-house. lie thus describes the family party and
the family doin«i;s on that evening.

The heads of the family were a Mr and Mrs Jones, who
were honoured, on this occasion, with a visit from a plain
sort of man, who told me. said Mr Hill, that he teached
school in winter, and hired out in haying time. What this
man's name was, I do not exactly recollect. It might have
heen Smith, and for convenience sake we will call him John
.Smith. This Mr Smith brought a newspaper with him,
which was printed weekly, which Mr Jones said — as it did
not agree with his politics — was a very weakly consarn.

Mr Jones was seated one side of an old pine table, and
Mr Smith on the other. ]\trs Jones sat knitting in one
corner, and the chihlren under the fire-place — some cracking
nuts, others whittling sticks, &c. Mr Jones, after perusing
the paper for some time, observed to Mrs Jones, " My dear ! "

Mrs Jones. AVell.

Mr Jo fie."]. It appears.

Jtlrs J. Well, go on.

3Ir J. I say it appears.

J/rs J. Well, law souls, I heard it ; go on.

3fr J. I say it appears from a paragraph

Mrs J. Well, it don't appear as if you were ever going
to appear.

Mr J. I say, it appears

from a paragraph in tliia
go again, AVhy on airth,
from a paragraph in this

paper

Mrs J. There — there you
Jones, don't you spit it out.

Mr J. I say, it appears
paper

31rs J. Well, I declare, Jones, you are enough to tire the
patience of Job. Why on airth don't you out with it ?

Mr J. Mrs Jones, will you be quiet. If you get my dan-
der up, I'll raise Satan round this house, and you know it,
tew. Mr Smith, you must excuse me. I'm obliged to be a
little peremptory to my Avil'e, for if you wasn't here she'd
lick me like all natur. AVell, as I said, it ap])ears from this
paper, that Seth Slope — you know'd Setli Slope, that used
to be round here ?

JIrs J. Yes ; well, go on ; otit with it.

Mr J. Well, you know he we] it out in a wlialin' voyage.

Mrs J. Yes, Avell.

3Irs J. AVell, it appears he was settin' on the stern, when
the vessel give a lee liirch, and he was knocked overboard,
and hain't written to his friends since that time.

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

333

f party and

Jones, who
om a plain
he teaclied

AV^hat this
might have
I him John

with him,
— as it did
nsarn.
i table, and
ing in one
ne crackinijr
jr perusing
My dear ! '"

ever going

h in this

on airth,

in this

tire the
lit?

}t mv dan-
know it,
m1 to 1)0 a
lere s?he'd

from this
that used

voyage.

ern, when
)verboa]'d,

Mrs J. La, souls ! you don't say so.

Before going further, I will endeavour to give you some
idea of this ISeth Slope. He was what they term down east,
*' a poor shote ; " his principal business was picking up chips,
feeding the hogs, tte. ttc. 1 will represent him with his hat.
{Piita 0)1 hat.)

"Mrs Jones snys I don't know nothin', and ]\tr Jones
says I don't know nothin' (JdUf/hs) ; and every boily says I
don't know nothin' ; and I say I do know nothin' {Iniufhs).
Don't I pick up all tli«> chips to make the liresy And don't
I feed the hogs, and the ducks, and the hens ? {Laur/hs.)
And don't 1 go down to the store every morning, for a jug
of rum? And don't 1 take a good suck myself? I don't
know iiothin' — ha — ilaurjhs). And don't 1 go to church
every Sunday? and don't I go iip-stairs, and when the folks
go to sleep, don't 1 throw corn on 'em to wake 'em up ?
And don't I sec the fellers winking at the gals, and the gals
Avinking at the fellers ? And don't I go home and tell the
old folk ; and when they come home, don't the old folk kick
up the darndcst row? {Laurjhs.) And don't I drive the
hogs out of the garden, to keep 'em I'rom rooting up the
taters ? A.nd don't I git asleep there, sometimes, and don't
they root me up. {Laur/hs.) And didn't 1 see a ily on J)ea-
con Stoke's red nose, t'other day ; and didn't I say, ' Take
care, Deacon Stokes, you'll burn his feet ? ' I don't know
nothin', eh! (Lauf/hs.y

This IMrs Jones 1 have spoken of, was a very good kind
of woman, and Mr Jones was considered a very good sort of
man; but was rather fond of the bottle. On one occasion, I
recollect particularly, he had been to a muster, and came
home so much intoxicated that he could hardly stand, and
was obliged to lean against the chimne\'-piece to prevent
himself from falling, and Mrs Jones say^ to him, "Now,
Jones, aint you ashamed of yourself? Where on airth do
you think you'd go to, if you was to die in that sitiwation ? "

Jones (veri/ dnnik). " W^ell, I don't know Avhere 1 should
go to ; but 1 shouldn't go far, without I could go taster than
1 do now."

As soon as Mr Jones had finished the paragraph in the
paper, IMrs Jones threw on her shawl and went over to her
neighbours to communicate the news. 1 will endeavour to
give you an idea of ]\Irs Jones by assuming this shawl and
cap. {Puts 0)1 shawl and cap.)

" Well, Mrs Smith, I suppose you ain't heard the news ? '*

" La, no, what ou airth is it ? "

[]in

TKAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

"You recollect Sotli Slope, that used to be about here? "

*' Yes, very well."

*' You know lie went a whalin' voyage ? "

" Yes."

" AV'^ell, it appears, from an aclvartisement in the papers,
that he was sittin' on tlie starn of the vessel, w lien the vessel
give a lee lurch, that he was knocked overboard and was
(Jj-owned, and that he has not written to his friends never
since. Oh, dear! it's dreadful to thiidc on. Poor critter ! — -
he was such a clever, good-natured, kind soul. I recollect
when he was about here, how he used to come into the house
and set down, and get u]) and go out, and come in agin, and
set down, and get up and go out. Then he'd go down to the
barn, and throw down some hav to the critters, and then
he'd come into the house agin, and get up and go out, «and
go down to the store and get a jug of rum, — and sometimes
he'd take a little suck of it himself But, la, souls I I lu-vcr
cared nothing about that. Good, clever critter! Then
arlcr he'd come back with the rum, he'd set down a little
while, and get up and go out, and pick up chips and di'ive
the hogs out of the garden; and then he'd come into the
house and kick over the swill-pail, and set down, and stick
his i'eet over the manlcl-piece, and whittle all over the
hearth, and spit tobacco juice all over the carpet, and make
himself so socinhlr. And 2)oor fellow ! now he's gone. Oh,
dear! how dreadful Avet he must have got! Well, INIrs
ISmith, it goes to show that we are all accountable crillers.''*

LXYIIT.

THE FASTEST FUNERAL OX RECORD.

I HAD just crossed the long bridge leading from "Boston
to Cambridgci)ort, and was plodding my dusty way on foot
through that not ver}^ agreeable suburb, on a sullry after-
noon in July, with a very creditable tluuuler-cloud coming
up in my rear, when a stout elderly gentleman, with a mul-
berry-face, a brown coat and pej)pcr-and-salt smalls, reined
lip his nag. and after learning that 1 was bound for Old Cam-
lu'idge, politely invited me to take a seat beside him in the
little sort of tax-cart he was driving. Kotliing loth, I con-

iboiit here? "

I the pnpcrs,
en the vessel
iU'd niid was
'n'eii(l,s never
or critter ! —

I recollect

to tlie house

in aL,n"n, and

dowji to the

^s, and then

go out, and

1 sometimes

lis I I never

tor ! Then

5wn a little

s and di'ive

ne into the

n, and .stick

1 over the

, and make

gone. Oh,

Well, IMrs

crUlera.''^

)m ^Boston

\y on foot

Hiy a ft cr-

I<1

coming
I a mul-
Ils, reined
Old Cam-
ni in the
h, I cou-

TKAITS OF AMERICAN ITUMOTTI?.

335

rented, and we were soon en roufn. The maro he drove was
a very peculiar animal. »She had few good points to the eye,
being heavy-bodied, hammer-headed, thin in the shoulders,
bald-faced, and rejoicing in a little stum]) of a tail which was
almost entirely innocent of hair. Jiut there were " lots of
muscle," as Major Longl>o\v says, in her hind ([uarlers.

" >Shc aint no Wenus, Sir," said my new ac(|uaintance,
pointing with his whip to the object of my scrutiny — "but
handsome is as handsome does. Tliem's my sentiments. iSiie's
a rum 'un to look at, but a good 'un to go."

" Indeed ? "

"Yes, Sir! That there mare, Sir, has made good time —
I may say, very good time before the hearse."

" Before the hearse ? "

"Before the hearse! S'poso you never heard of hurjiiufj
a man on time! I'm a sexton, Sir, and nndertuker — Jack
C'rossbones, at your service — 'Daddy Crossbones ' they call
me at Porter's."

" Ah ! 1 understand. Your marc ran away with the
hearse."

"Kan away! A child couid hold her. Oh! yes, of
course she ran away," added the old gentleman, looking full
in my face with a very quizzical expression, and putting the
fore linger of his right hand on the right side of his party-
coloured proboscis.

"My dear Sir," said I, "you have excited my curiosity
amazingly, and I should esteem it as a ])articular favour if
you would be a little less oracular and a lillle more ex])licit."

"1 don't know as I'd ouuht to tell you," said mv new
acquaintance very slowly and tanlalizingly. "If you was
one of these here writing cluips, you might poke it in the
'Spirit of the Times,' and then it would be all day wilh me.
But I don't care if i do make a clean breast of it. Honour
bright, you know."

"Of course."

"Well, then, I live a piece np beyond Old Cambridge —
you can see our steeple oft" on a hill to the right, when we get
a little further. AVell, one day, 1 had a customer (he was car-
ried otf by typhus) which had to be toted into town — cause
why P he had a vault there. So 1 rubbed down the old mare,
and put her in the iills. Ah! Sir! that critter knows as
much as an Injun, and more than a Nii^ger. She's as s()l)er
as a judge when she gets the sho]) — that's what 1 call the
henrse — behind her. You would not think she was a thi-ee-
minute nag, to look at her. AVeil, Sir, as luck would have

33G

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

it, l)y a sort of providential inspiration, the day before, I'd
tooix oft" the old wooden springs and set the body on elliptics.
For I thoiiglit it a hard case that a gentleman who'd been
riding easy all his life, should go to his grave on wooden
springs. Ah ! I deal well by my customers. I thought of
patent boxes to the wh-^els, biit i couldn't afford it, and the
parish are desperate stin^^y

" AVell, I got him in, and led off the string — fourteen
hacks and a dearbourn wagon at the tail of the funeral.
AVe made a line show. As luck would have it, just as we
came abreast of Porter's, out slides that eternal torment. Bill
Sikes, in his new trotting sulky, Avith the brown horse that
he bought for a fast crab, and is mighty good for a rush, but
hain't got nigh so much bottom as the mare. Bill's light
weight, and his sulky's a mere feather. AV^ell, Sir, Bill came
up alongside, and walked his horse a bit. lie looked at the
mare and then at me, and then he Avinked. Then he looked
at his nag and put his tongue in his check, and winked. I
looked straight ahead, and only sa'd to myself, ' Cuss you.
Bill Sikes.' By-and-by, he let his horse slide. He travelled
about a hundred yards, and then held up till I came abreast,
and then he winked and bantered me again. It was aggra-
vatin', that's a fact. JSays I to myself, says I, ' That's twice
you've done it, my buzzum friend and sweet-scented shrub —
but you doesn't do that 'ere again.' The third time he ban-
tered me I let him have it. It was only saying, ' Scat you
brute,' and she was off — that mare. He had all the odds,
you know, for I was toting a two hundred pounder, and he
ought to have beat me like breakinn: sticks, now hadn't he ?
He had me at the first brush, for I told you the bro\m horse
was a might}^ last one for a little ways. But soon I lapped
him. I had no Avhip, and he could use his string — but he
had his hands full.

" Side by side, away we went — rattle te-bang ! crack !
abuz ! thump ! — and 1 afraid of losing my customer on the
road ; but 1 was more afraid of losing the race. The reputa-
tion of the old mare was at stake, and I swore she should
have a fiiir chance. We went so fast that the posts and rails
by the road-side looked like a log fence. The old church and
the new one, and the colleges, spun past like Merry-An-
drews.

" The hackmen did not know what was to pay, and, afraid
of not being in at the death, they put the string on to their
teams, and came clattering on behind as if Satan had kicked
'em on eend. Some of the mourners was sporting characters,

ly before, I'd

r on elliptic^.

whoM been

) on wooden

I thou!j;ht of
i it, and the

njj — fourteen

the funeral.

t, just as wo

torment, Bill

II horse that
r a rush, but

Bill's li-ht
nr, Bill came
ooked at the
>n he looked
d winked. I
f, ' Cuss you,

He travelled
pame abreast,
t was aggra-

That's twice
nted shrub —
time he ban-

X, ' Scat you
all the odds,

nder, and he
hadn't he?

bro^^^l horse

on I lapped

'ing — but he

Ling ! crack !

)mer on the
The reputa-
she should

sts and rails
church and
Merry-An-

I, and, afraid

on to their

had kicked

characters,

TRAITS OF AMERICAN HUMOUR.

337

and they craned out of the carriage windows and waved their
handkerchiefs. The President of Harvard College himself,
inspired by the scene, took off his square tile as 1 passed his
house, and waving it three times round his head, cried,

" ' Go it, "Boots ! '

" It is a fact. And I beat him, Sir I I beat him, in three
miles, a hundred rods. He gin it up, Sir, in despair."

" His horse was oil' his feed for a week, and when he look
to corn again he wasn't worth a straw. It was acknowledged
on all hands to be the fastest funeral on record, though 1 say
it as shouldn't. I'm an undertaker, Sir, and I never yet was
overtaken."

On subsequent inquiry at Porter's, where the sporting
sexton left me, I found that his story was istrictly true in all
tlie main particulars. A terrible rumpus was kicked uj) about
the race, but Crossbones swore lustily that the mare had run
away — that he had sawed away two inches of her lip in try-
ing to hold her up, and that he could not have done other-
wise, unless he had run her into a fence and spilled his " cus-
tomer " into the ditch. If any one expects to die anywhere
near the sexton's diggings, I can assure them that the jolly
old boy is still alive and kicking, the very " Ace of Hearts "
and " Jack of Spades," and that now both patent boxes and
elliptic springs render his professional conveyance the easiest
running thing on the road.

THE END.

NOW IX cox'RsE ov rrni.TCATios

HURST AND BLACKETT'S STANDARD LIBRARY

OF CHEAP KDITIONS OP

POPULAR MODERN WORKS,

ILLl -TRATEI) 1]Y MILLATS, flOLMVN HT'NT. LEECH, BIRKET FOSTEI?;

JOHX GI1.BERT, TENNIEL, &o.
i]'«cl\ in a singlo volu.uc, dogaiilly printed, 1 nuid, oiid illuiitratod, price 5:i.

V(> . I.- SAM SLICK'S NATURE AND HUMAN NATURE.

" Tho first vol lime of Mos s Hurst and Hlackett's Standard Library of Cheap Editions
forms r very ''lod '\'^ , Ilium .0 what will doulitlcss In- a very siiceessful undcirtakiiiL'.
• Natnn; and itiiinan Natiire' is one of the best of Sam Slick's witty and humorous
productions, aiidi< welicnlitlrdto tlu; large eireiilation whicli it cannot fail to ohtriin in
its prcHeiiL convf'nieni and cIk :i|» shatu'. The vohimc com))ines witli the >?reat recom-
mendations of a clear, liold type, and ^ M'd paper, the lesser, but attractive merits of
being well ilhistratcd and elegantly liouiul."— Pos/.

VOL. II.— JOHN HALIFAX, GENTLEMAN.

"This is a very good and a very interesting work. It is designed to trace th. arof r
from boyhood to age of a perfect man— a (Jhri^tian gentleman, and it aliounds in '■... • 'fii
both well and highly wrought. Throuidioiit it is conceived in a higli sfdrit, a» " vn' eii
with great ability. Thisclieapand handsome new edition is worthy to i»as3 t;i»'fr..'jfi
liand to hand as a gift book in many households." — IJxamino:

" The nev,' and cheai)er edit ion of this interesting work will doubtless meet 'vith great
suce(!ss. .Jiilm Halifax, the li.ro of this most beautiful story, is no onlinar' to. Mid
this his history is no ordinary book. It is a full-length j)ortrait of a true , ' i.ian,
on' of nature's own nobility. It is also t lie history ofa home, and a thorougliiy i'.nglish
one. The work abounds in incident, and is full of graphic power and true pathos.
It is a book that lew will read • idthout becoming wiser and better." — Srufsman.

VOL. III.— THE CRESCENT AND THE CROSS.

liY ELIOT WARBURTON.

"Independent of its value as nn oritrinal narrative, and its useful and interesting
information, thi;, work is remarkable for the colouring power and play of fancy with
which its descriptions an- enlivem^l. Amom; its greatest and most lasting charms is
its reverent and .serious sjiiril." — Quartcrhj Jhvicw.

" i book calculated to prove more practically useful was never penned than 'The
Crescent and the Cross' — a work whicii surjiasses all others in its hrmage for the sub-
lime and its love for the beautiful in those famous regions consecnted to everlasting
immortality in tlie annals of the piopliefs, and which no other writer has ever de-
picted with a pencil at once so reverent and so picturesque."— 6'k«.

VOL. lA^— NATHALIE. BY JULIA KAVANAGH.

"'Nathalie' is Miss Kavanagh's best imaginative eifort. Its manner is gracious
and attractive. Its matter is good. A sentiment, a tenderness, are commanded by
her which are avS individual as they are elegant."— .4//u'«<yu?n.

VOL. v.— A WOMAN'S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "JOHN HALIFAX, GENTLEMAN."

" A book of sound counsel. It is one of the most sensilile works of its kind, well-
written, true-hearted, and altogether jiractical. Whoever wishes to give advice to a
young lady may thank the author for means of doing ?,o"— Examiner.

VOL. VI.— ADAM GRAEME. BY MRS OLIPHANT.

"A story awakening genuine emotions of interest and deligiitbv its admirable pic-
tures of Scottish life and ,v_i.:uery. The author sets before us the essential att rihutes of
Christian v cue, their deej) and silent workings in the heart, and their l)eautiful mani-
festationsin . .fe, with a delicacy, power and truth wiiich can hardly be surpassed.''— Po»^

f [QiU CI U-'^C-

7^ Q

J-

X"^

i X '

HURST AND BLACKRTT'S STANDAIID LIBRARY

(CONTINUED).

VOL. VII.— SAM SLICK'S WISE SAWS
AND MODERN INSTANCES.

' We lnv(! not tli(

VOL. VIIL—CARDINAL WISEMAN'S RECOLLECTIONS
OE THE LAST FOUR POPES.

'A pictnrcsciuo borik on Homo juul its I'cclosiastical sovoroiffns, by an doqucnt Ro-
man (Jatliolic. {'ardin.'il Wiscniaii luw trcatcMl a special siil)jcct with so nuu'h pcnialily,
that iiis rei'ulloi'tious will excite no ill-l'ci'lin^f in tiiose wlioart^nost consciontiouslyoij-
liosedlocveo' idcau^lullllallini■ailil)iiil,v^c]>l•e^elltt•din Paijaldominalion."— .^l^/M-MfCMMt.

VOL. IX. A LIFE FOR A LIFE.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "JOHN HALIFAX, GENTLEMAN."

" In ' A Lil'i' Cor a Lite * the antlif.r is fortunate in agood subject, and has produced
a work ol' slrouK eU'ecl."— J</ienrt-»/«.

VOL, X.— THE OLD COURT SUBURB BY LEIGH HUNT.

" A deliu'htful liook, t hat will he welcome to .all readers, and most welcome to those
who have a 1()V(! fnrthe best kinds of readiiifr." — J'hviminvr.

"A more a>;^■(^abi(^ and ( ntertainiiii: book has not been published since iioswell pro-
duced his reminiscences of J olinsou."—06»eri'er.

VOL. XT.— MARGARET AND HER BRIDESMAIDS.

"■\Vc recommend all who are in search of a fascinating novel to read this work for
themselves. They will liml it well worth their while. There are a freshness and ori-
ginality about it i{\ii\.L' chnviuh)}^.''—AtheHfcuin.

VOL. XIL— THE OLD JUDGE. BY SAM SLICK.

" The publications included iuthis Library have all been of Rood (luality ; many givo
information whil(3 tin y entertain, and of that class the book befon; us is a specimen.
The manner in which th(> Cheap Ltliticins forming the seri(>s is produced deserves
especial mention. The pa])er and print are luiexceptionable ; there is a steel engraving
in each volume, and the out-udes dl' them will satisfy the purchtvsor wlio likes to seo
books in handsome uniform." — J'J.vaiuiner.

VOL. XIII.— DARIEN. BY ELIOT WARBURTON.

"This last })roduction of the author of 'The Crescent and the Cross' has the same
elements of a very w ide popularity, ^t will j)leasc its thousands."— C//wie.

VOL.

XIV.— FAMILY ROMANCE ; OR, DOMESTIC
ANNALS OF THE ARISTOCRACY.

BY SIR BERNARD BURKE, Ulsteu Kino op Arms.

" Tt were impossible to praise too hiirhly this most interesting book. It ought to be
found on every drawin^^-room table. lier(> you have nearly lifty captivating romances
■with the pith of all their interest i)reserved in undiminished poignancy, and anyone
may be read in half an hour."— iStandard.

VOL. XV.— THE LAIRD OF NORLAW.

BY MRS OLIPHANT.
" The Laird of Norlaw fully sustains the author's high reputation."— /S/<nday Times.

> LIBRARY

.WS

I'cpiitiitioii is niadn,
lie rcuiarkablo ori-
Ticiiii lit'o and iiian-
r llius much is to
ins a part of Mt'ssrs
(l some of the very
'csscnger.

ILLECTIONS

hy an doqucnt Ro-
1 so much j^cniiilily,
cDiiscicntionsly oj)-
\i[i.>x\." —Atluimexim.

I.
TLE^rAN."

t, and has produced

.EIGH HUNT.

i.st wclcorao to those
id Biiice Boswell pro-

ESMAIDS.

road this work for
a freshness and ori-

SLICK.

luality ; many Rive
\\\; us is a specimen.
1 1 rod 1 iced diiserves
,s a steel engraviiiK
,( r who likes to see

JURTON.

tross' lias the same
-Globe.

)MESTIC

Arms.

■)k. Itoughttobe
Itivatinp romances
lancy, and any one

Iw.

-Sunday Times.

HURST AND BLACKiyriVS STANDARD LIBRARY

COXTINUKD).

VOL. XVT.— THE ENGLISHWOMAN IN ITALY.

"Wn can j)raisf' JlrsGretton's book as iutercsting, um^xaggcrated, and full of oppor-
tune instruction." — The Times.

VOL. XVIL— NOTHING NEW.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "JOIIX HALIFAX, GENTLEMAN."

" 'N()tilin^'N■ew ' displays r.ll those superior merits whicli have made'Johu IIiilili-;
one of the most popular works of tho tlay."~Post.

VOL. XVIIL— FREER'S LIFE OF JEANNE D'ALBRET.

"NotlunK can 1)0 more interestiiu; than Miss Freer's story of the life of .Icaiuio
D'Albret, and the narriitive is as trustworthy as it is attractive." /*<«<.

VOL. XIX— THE VALLEY OF A HUNDRED FIRES.

BY THK AUTHOR OF " MARGARET AND HER IIRIDESMAIDS. '

"Wo know no novel of tho last three or four years to equal this latest production of
tho popular uutiioress of ' Margaret and her Hrldesmaids.' If asked to classify it, we
should give ila i)lace butwei.-n 'John Halifax' and 'The Caxtons.'"— 7/tTa/(i.

VOL. XX.— THE ROMANCE OF THE FORUM.

BY PETER BURKE, Si^iuikant at ].a\v.

" A work of singular interest, which can never fail tocharm. Tho present cheap au I
t'L^gant edition includes the true story of the C )lleen linwn." —Illustrated Ncw.-i.'

VOL. XXL— ADELE. BY JULIA KAVANAGH.

" 'Adi'-lo' is the best work w(( have read by MissKavanai^h; it is a clulrmin.^ si iry
full of delicate character-painting." — Athenceum.

VOL. XXIL— STUDIES FROM LIFE.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "JOHN HALIFAX, GENTf-EArAN."

" These 'Studies from Life' are remarkable for graphic jjower and obsiTvation. TIio
book will not diminish the reputjitionof theaccomplishedauthor." — Saturday Itevicw.

VOL. XXIIL— GRANDMOTHER'S MONEY.

"Wo coraraoiid 'Grandmother's Money' to readers in search of a good novel. Tho
characters are true to hum:iu natun^, tin; story is int(!resting." — Aliuii<eum.

VOL. XXIV.—A BOOK ABOUT D0CTJR3.

BY J. C. JEAFFRESON, Esq.

" A delightful hr)o\i."—Athcnrenm. " A book to be read and re-read ; lit for the study
as well as tho drawing-room table and the (Circulating library." — Liucet.

VOL. XXV.— NO CHURCH.

"Wo advise all who have the opportunity to read this hook."— Alhenccum,

VOL. XXVL— MISTRESS AND MAID.

BY THE AUTHOR OP "JOHN HALIFAX, GENTLEMAN."

"A good wholesome book, gracefully written, and as pleasant to read as it is iiustru'j
five." — Athenceum. "A charming tale charmingly told." — Herald.

VOL. XXVIL— LOST AND SAVED. BY HON. MRS NORTON.

" ' Lost and Saved ' will be read with eager interest. It is a vigorous novel." — Times.
"A novel of rare excellence. It is Mrs Norton's best orose \Tork."— Examiner.

/•

>^.

■I

IIUUST AND BLACKKTT'S STANDArtD LlimAIlV

(CONTINIMJI)).

VOL. XXVIIL— LES MISERABLES. BY VICTOR HUGO.

AITTIIORISHI) COPYRIGHT KNOLISII TIIANSLATIOX.

"Tlio iticrits of ' Los MisoriihloH ' do not merely consist in tho conception of it ns a
wlinlo; it iilioiiiids, |mu;() iit'ler |)av;n, witli details df unecinalltid hwuily. In ilealiii).' wilij
all tlio enioliuns, iloiilits, tears, wiiicii ^o to uiaiii! m|) our coininon iiuiiianity, M. v'ii^lur
JluKu has hLatiipcd upon every pam) tlio hall-mark of Kcnius."— QwaWt'W// Jteoiew.

VOL. XXI X— BARBARA'S HISTORY.

BY AMELIA B. EDWAUDS.

"It is not often that wo li^'Iit n|)on a novel of so much merit and interest as
' tlarhara's History.' It is a work cmspicuotis for laslc mid literary ciillun'. Itisu
verv Kraccful and cii;iriniii>^ l)ook, witii a weil-maiia,u;ed slory, clearly-cut cliaraeters,
imilsenlinr'nlsexprc-scMlwith an cx(iuisitcclooiui(in

will like.

It is a liouk which the world
Thii is higli praiso of a work of art, and so wo intend it."— Tunes.

VOL. XXX.— LlJTE OF THE REV. EDWARD IRVING.

BY MRS OLirilANT.

"A Rood book on a most inlereitiMK theme." — TiDies.

*■ A iruly iiitcrcstin|< and most aU'ectniK memoir. Irving's Life ou^ht to have a niche
in every Kallory of rciJKious l)io;.rraphy. TIk.tc are few lives tiiat will bu fuller of in-
struction, intcHMt, a:id c )usolaii'iii."— -S't^.'n/i,'/ Jicvicw,

" .MrsUliphanL's jjifc of Irvinij supi)lies a lotiK-fclt desideratnin. It is copious,
earnest, and ehxpieut. IrviuK. as a man and as a jjantor, is e.'chii)iLeil with many br(;ad,
powerful, and lilo-likc touches, which Uiavo a strong; impression."— A'(/<»/>Mri//t Jicvicw.

VOL. XXXI.— ST OLAVE'S.

" This charniin,!< n >vel is t!io work of ono who poss(v>scs aj^reat talent for writin'.-, as
well as c.\pcrn;iic ! ;ui I kuo',vieilj;,> oi' tlio world. ' St Olavo's' is Clio work, ot an art,i>t.
The wliolo book is worth rcauiuj,'." — Atkcnreuin.

VOL. XXXir.— SAM SLICK'S TRAITS OF AMERICAN

HTJMOUR.

•' Dip where you will into this lottery of fun, you are sure to draw out a pri/c."— Po«/.

VOL. XXXIII.— CHRISTIAN'S MISTAKE.

BY THE AUTHOR OF " JOHN IIALIFA 'I, GENTLEMAN."

" V more charmiuf? story, to our taste, has rarely been writ ten. The writer has hit
oir a circle of varied characters all true to nature, and has entangled them in a story
which keeps us in suspense till its knot is happily and gracefully resolved. Lven if
tried by the stnndard of tlie Archbishop of York, we should exptsct that even he would
pronounce ' (Jhristian's Mistake' a novel without a ii\.\x\t."— Times.

VOL. XXXIV.— ALEC FORBES OF HOWGLEN.

BY GEORGE MAC DONALD, M.A.

" No account of this story would give any id(>a of the profound interest that pervades
the work from the lirst page to the last."— ^///jewaww.

VOL. XXXV.I^GNES. BY MRS OLIPHANT.

•"Agnes' is a novel superior to any of Mrs Oliphant's former \\ovkii."—Athen(eum.

"Mrs Oliphant is one of the most admirr.ble of our novelists. In her works there
are always to be found high i)rinciple, good taste, sense, and rclinement 'Agues' is a
story whose pathetic beauty will appeal irresistibly to all readers. —Post.

) LIBRA IIV

:CTOR HUGO.

5LAT10X.

;()ii('<'ptioii of it ns n
ity. liiilcaliiiK' Willi
iiiiiiaiiily, M. Viotor
ai'tci'ly llvoiew.

•RY.

>rit and Intorfst as
ary I'liltiin.'. It is a
•iii'i.v-cut (iliaractcrH,
loli w liicii tliu world
"—Tunes.

EID IRVING.

nmlit toliavo aniclio
will bu fuller of iu-

tum. It is copifiSis,
L'd with many l)i'i;ad,
-I'jdinbui'yh Jiccicio.

talniit for writintr, as
1(3 work ut ail arii>ti.

AMERICAN

,v out a prize." — Post,

TAKE.

INTLEMAN."

,. The writer has liit
tigled them in a story
Uy resolved. Even if
ct that even ho would
es.

)WGLEN.

interest that pervades

JPHANT.

\.vor'kii."—Athe7UBum.
. In her worlds there
ineiucnt. 'Agues' is a
^."—Fost. .