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HOW 
 
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 To Shine in Society ; 
 
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 OR, THE 
 
 SCIENCE OF CONVERSATION. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 The Principles, Laws and General Usages of 
 
 Polite Society, 
 
 THETOBONTO NEWS COMPANY. 
 TORONTO ^^i> CXilFTON. 
 
■' f 
 
 ^ mt 
 

 CONTENTS. 
 
 X > f- 
 
 », 
 
 «L £ ' 
 
 Introduction, - •• 
 
 Bodily Deportment, - - 
 
 Position of the Body, 
 The Head, 
 The Touguo, 
 The Hand, . . 
 
 Conversation, - 
 
 The Manner of Speaking - 
 Speak Grammatically, 
 Egotism, 
 
 Memory. - - - 
 
 Truth. 
 
 The Splendid Speaker, - 
 . Self-Kespect, 
 Modesty, - - 
 
 Boldness, 
 Forwardness, 
 Diffidence, - - 
 
 Civility, - ^ . • 
 
 Attention, - 
 
 Large Talk and Small Talk, 
 Anecdote, - .^ • 
 
 Punning - 
 Laughter, 
 
 '<•' t ' '■■;- 
 
 :, Page. 
 
 O 
 
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 - 14 
 14 
 
 - 15 
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 - 18 
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 - 21 
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 - 22 
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 ■ 23 
 24 
 
 - 25 
 26 
 
 - 26 
 - , 27 
 
 - 27 
 28 
 
 - 29 
 30 
 
 - 3t 
 
Contents. 
 
 Table Talk, - 
 
 After Dinner 
 Accomplishments, 
 
 Pedantry, - 
 
 Social Characters, - 
 
 The Ladies, 
 
 How to Dress, - ^ » " 
 
 Dancing, 
 
 The Etiquette of Conversation, 
 
 Prudence in Conversation, 
 
 Useful Hints for Conversation, 
 
 Good Taste, - * 
 
 The Topics of Conversation, - 
 
 32 
 
 34 
 
 34 
 
 36 
 
 39 
 
 42 
 
 42 
 
 43 
 
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 65 
 
 
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^0fo to ^I)it« in ^nmtj^ 
 
 1 
 
 (I 
 
 INTEODUCTION. 
 
 The title of our little book may lead the reader astray 
 a» to its purpose. It seems a paradox, but it is true, that 
 tiie surest way to '* shine " is, not to try winning the admira- 
 tion, but the good- will and the love and the respect of those 
 with whom we are brought into contact in society. It will 
 not do to flash our lights ostentatiously into the eyes of 
 others. We ought rather to direct it in a kindly manner 
 along their path. The man who is ever asserting himself 
 is seldom believed and never respected. At the very outset, 
 then, dear reader, we tell you plainly that all vanity and 
 self-conceit must be laid aside if you have any desire to 
 shine. Those tinsel qualities are discovered only to be 
 despised. If you have the least tendency to exercise these, 
 check it at once. We wish to make you, (so far as telling 
 can do it) a polite or polished man, and it is only metal of 
 the proper grain which can take on the polish. It is very 
 far from being true that vice purged of its grossness loses 
 half its deformity. To a right thinking man the deformity 
 is all the more apparent in that the polish reflects it the 
 more plainly. Polish to be sure may be used as a cover to 
 gloss vice, but this being merely superficial must always be 
 shallow and easily seen through, and if beneath it there 
 appears no sterling substance, the judicious observer can 
 have only one impression forced upon his mind, and that 
 cannot be favorable to a vicious man, however pohshed he 
 be. 
 
 Now, sir, the first thing for you to do is to make yourself 
 
 a man. Manliness is the backbone of our nature. All other 
 
 qualities distribute themselves round this. Man means 
 
 thinker, so that to be a man you must be able to think, and 
 
 > to prove and steady your thoughts by bringing them in con- 
 
 4 ) 
 
Hoiv to Shine in Society. 
 
 tact wiili tlie tlionj^lits of others through reading and 
 convcrtsatio]). Benitles liaving a good sound hec.d, your 
 heart must also be "in the right place." And I ran wish 
 your heart no healthier heat than that caused by the pure 
 blood of Christianity. A thoroughly Christian man cannot 
 but be the best material out of which to form the thoroughly 
 polite man. Remember wo are exceedingly anxious to 
 avoid anything like false polish. The saying is common but 
 very true, " all is not gold that glitters." This may suggest 
 as true a saying " All that shines in society does not neces- 
 sarily shine to please." 
 
 If, then, true and thorough thinking be the generator of 
 true manliness, let us devote our attention in the first place 
 to Thought and Thinking. 
 
 It is evident the most illiterate can think. Thinking, in 
 fact, is the very intelligence of a man — the difference which 
 distinguishes him from the brute creation. Through this 
 power of thinking the most illiterate can become not 
 only literate or learned, but also producers of thought 
 themselves. It is thinking and not learning merely that 
 improves our mind and leads us on to distinction. " A grain 
 of reason is worth a ton of memory." Still, the acquisition 
 of thought elaborated by others is absolutely necessary, and 
 if a man is not " well read " he is not up to the mark of 
 what is considered good society. The fact is, we must be 
 scholars, though not in the old pedantic sense of the term. 
 Some folks' idea of a scholar is one who has so many 
 thoughts belonging to other people stored away in his mind 
 that he has no room for any of his own, or one who can 
 append a scholar's title to the end of his name. As to the 
 first, he need not be a scholar merely, and as to the second, 
 we would no more inculcate blind admiration for the scholas- 
 tic titles than for the social ones, but would advise rather 
 the title to be weighed by the man than the man by the 
 title. To evv^ry right thinking person the most distinguished 
 man is he who leads the most divine life, and the man that 
 leads the divine life is the man who by honest searching 
 finds out the divine ideas, appropriates them through the 
 alembic of his mind as thought, and gives an earnest of his 
 conviction in fervent action. For this high purpose 
 
 f 
 
 0.S 
 
 " All the \rorl(rs a school 
 And '<.ll the men and women merely scholars." 
 
How to Shine in Society. 
 
 " 
 
 b>t 
 
 There are books in the mnning brooks, and in stones, not 
 seiTnouB merely, but a great material revelation of the Crea- 
 tor's handiwork with myriads of his ideas stamped upon it 
 iu splendid hieroglyphics. Wordsworth truly says what St. 
 Bernard indeed said long ago iu another form : — 
 
 " Au impulse from a vernal wood 
 
 Will teach you more of man, 
 Of moral evil and of good. 
 
 Thau all the sages oau.'* 
 
 Books contain what our predecessors have learned in this 
 great school, and from these we obtain what we require for 
 the furnishing of our minds. The sohoohng of a man am- 
 bitious of distinguishing himself is never finished. He is 
 always learning, and all things minister to his purpose. But 
 he makes use of that chiefly which man has mastered and 
 made his own, and transported to the world of thought. 
 This world of thought is to be found chiefly in books, ard 
 
 ** Books, we know, 
 Are a substantial world, both pure and good.* 
 
 So felt the wise and thoughtful Wordsworth, and so feels 
 every man who has built for himself a habitation in the 
 wonderful world of books. But all locations are not adapted 
 for men in general. Mental habits and tastes differ, and so 
 a location wherein one man may flourish another may starve. 
 Special tastes affect special settlements. 
 
 But there is a district in which all men have a common, 
 a radical, a necessary interest. It is that whioh we denote, 
 far excellence^ ** Literature." We mean the hterature of 
 humanity, as contradistinguished from the special hteratures 
 of particular sciences. 
 
 Layer after layer of thought has been deposited by busy 
 workers since time and thought began to exist, and we of 
 the present day foria our soils and grow our thoughts on the 
 strata of the past. 
 
 The student of this literature does not study it merely as 
 an amusement, or as an accompUshment, or as a means of 
 winning his bread, but as a revelation of thought and feel- 
 ing, which through faith in the true and the good elevates 
 him to a higher stage of being. There have been men who 
 have groaned under the weight and mystery of thought as 
 under a curse ; who, having yearned for a hold upon the 
 
 ^ 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 i^iiiiiibo, iiave Lti^3n thrust down by a withering negation of 
 their hopes, sinking in a not unaccountable recoil from their 
 over- ambitious height to the lowest depths oi loathing for 
 that which legitimately used is a man's distinctive glory. 
 But such a man, '* burthened with the weight of thought " 
 to such an issue is rare, and need not deter the student 
 from risking the darling beliefs of his heai't- in this pure 
 human atmosphere. The same benignant sun shines here 
 as in the world of thought and feeling and eternal providence 
 revealed in Holy Writ. But there is more needed than 
 books, and the leading, and the understanding, and the 
 proper use of them. There are the powers of the will as 
 well as those of the understanding to be exercised. The 
 impulse to action must be trained and put under proper con- 
 trol. Man is an ethical as well as a logical being, and indeed 
 it is this aspect of him which is chie^y presented to the 
 public eye. The manner in which a ^ji'son acts is at once 
 seen and criticized, whilst the reason or motive of action is 
 not 80 immediately apparent. 
 
 But this logical and ethical being works through an or- 
 ganized physical being, upon the sound and healthy condition 
 of which latter the degree and the quality of power in the 
 former in a very great measure depend. The human body 
 is a living structure, within which the vital functions are 
 unceasingly performed by the organs of life, in obedience to 
 physical laws, the action of which we can regulate so as to 
 give the whole system the greatest possible amount of physical 
 vigor and power. This it is the duty of every person to become 
 acquainted with. Every one should know and obey the 
 physical as well as the moral commands of God ; and if he 
 disobey them, he commits a physical sin which carries its 
 own punishment with it. Excess in eating or drinking, 
 improper exposure to intense cold or heat, want of 
 cleanliness, vicious physical habits, are physical sins, and 
 we are punished by physical debility, inflammatory diseases 
 and paralysis — to say nothing of intellectual and moral pun- 
 ishment in intimate connection with these. 
 
 These physical laws, then, we ought to become acquainted 
 with, and use them in regulating our physical conduct. We 
 must conduct ourselves in obedience to their dictates, not 
 only at stated times, when we are being trained by physical 
 exercises, but at all times. They must become habits, for 
 the:a alone can they have continuous power. 
 
 T 
 
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How to Shine in Society, 
 
 \ 
 
 I 
 
 TliUB alone can be attained "the healthy mind in the 
 healthy body," which is rightly asserted to be indispensable 
 to every man who would possess the highest powers of 
 thought and action. We insist upon these thus seriously 
 because we are aware that the force and the success of our 
 aims depend very much upon the strength and vigor of the 
 power that directs it. 
 
 To shine as a man of merit you must be necessarily a 
 gentleman. Now what is a gentleman ? If you look at the 
 word it will tell you so far. As we have already said, you 
 must be a man^ but more than this, you must be a gentleman. 
 Not a man of birth, as is sometimes meant by gentle, but a 
 man of culture and refinement ; such culture and refinement 
 as are within the reach of every man who chooses to make 
 the necessary effort to acquire them. Is not the highest 
 praise you hear bestowed upon a man in society, ' ' He is a 
 thorough gentleman?" "WTien you say that of a man, you 
 feel that you are tersely according him in that one word 
 everything that is becoming a man. Yon never think of 
 adding more when you have said that. On the other hand, 
 don't you sum up the essence of all that is unmanly, ungen- 
 erous, and what is pithily, though somewhat vulgOTly termed 
 " shabby," in that final exclamation, '* He is no gentleman ? " 
 
 I dare say you know pretty well what it is to be no gentle- 
 man. That expression comprehends cowards, blackguards, 
 braggarts, and all those who have a ** mean spirit," though 
 polished with the most distinguished lustre of mLVW^f* AP>^ 
 shining with the most splendid oma^^nt^. 
 
 " The churl in spirit, up or down 
 
 Along the scale of ranks, through all 
 
 To who may grasp a golden ball, 
 By blood a king, at heart a clown. 
 
 T K'' churl in spirit, howe'er he v«il 
 
 His want in forms for fashion'! sake. 
 
 Will let his coltish nature break 
 At seasons through th« gilded pale. 
 
 F)r who can always act? But he 
 
 To whom a thousand memories call, 
 
 Not being less but more than all 
 Tae gentleness he seems to be." 
 
 The '* grand old name of gentleman " is within the reach 
 of every one who chooses to cultivate the qualities necessary 
 
10 
 
 How to Shine in Society* 
 
 for the title. The patent is held immediately rom God 
 Almighty, and men recognize and allow it wherever visible. 
 It is a passport in all societies to the affectionate homage of 
 all true hearts. He who wears the star of the order will 
 ever find himself respected and admired, the " favorite of 
 fairest tongues," and the " cynosure of neighboring eyes." 
 
 Such distinctions have even been stamped into perman- 
 ent form, the first grade of which, "Baron," simply means 
 " a man." " Eaised to the peei-age " is the highest honor 
 attainable, and it is an honor indeed when the title is 
 grounded on deserving action. The great absurdity about 
 our conventional peerage is the making it hereditary . Ample 
 proof of this may be found in the frequent differences 
 between the names and the things. • • ' ^ ' • *- 
 
 " iTe see yon birkie ca'd a lord, , , 
 
 Wha struts and stares an' a' that, 
 Tho' hundreds worship at his word ' - 
 
 ( He's but a coof for a' that. ' , , 
 
 The rank is but the guinea's staiup,^ 
 r The man's the gowd for a' that." 
 
 Fancy a young "divine'' heiring his father's Doctorship 
 of Divinity. He may succeed to his money and in a quiet 
 way to his unprinted sermons, but the title he must win for 
 himself, and very properly so Let us not be misunder- 
 stood, however. Nobility is in itself a reasonable thing — it 
 is the sham that is contemptible. Nobleman and noble man 
 often mean two very different things. 
 
 The dignity of simple manliness is being more and more 
 appreciated by us. Artificial distinctions — such as noble- 
 man, gentleman, workman — differ only in degree, not in 
 kind. A man is the essential basis of all three. The quali- 
 fying terms are artificial and conventional, but legitimate 
 enough in the nature of the thing itself. Manliness, however, 
 is the /wciy and sonl, the qnalifications are but the drapery. 
 Yet let us not scorn what derives its existence from the 
 generous heart of humanity to honor and distinguish its 
 finest developements. The workman is the essence of all 
 the others, and never disappears in them. The gentleman* 
 
 » Tne term gentle of course refers to birth. But shall that birth 
 be the occidental social class birth of the mortal body, or the 
 * second birth " of the immortal soul ? 
 
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 How to Shine in Society, 
 
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 is but the workman polished to do the work more elegaptly 
 and more powerfully, and the nohlemMi especially should be 
 the man, known and acknowledged to be a duke or leader of 
 men, wherever there is true work to be done. 
 
 Providence allots us different spheres of action; but a 
 king can be no more a man than you or I can, and as men 
 we all stand in the eye of the Great Monarch of all. We 
 are all peers or equals in so far as the great duties are con- 
 cerned. The humblest man can do his duty, and the most 
 powerful prinoe can do no more. There must be a division 
 of labor. The work may differ in kind and degree^ but let 
 each man work with his utfhost ability ^ aiming the while at 
 his utmost attainment of art^ and he may safely leave the 
 issues of life with his Creator. He is just, and assuredly will 
 not scorn the meanest worker out of His providence. It is 
 only in the eye of man that the difference of the labor as- 
 sumes so much importance. 
 
 Thank God! man does not need a pedigree of man's mak- 
 ing to make him truly noble ; you or I, dear reader, 
 may be as noble as the proudest aristocrat of the realm. 
 There is a nobihty of thought and aspiration infinitely 
 transcending the nobility of mere flesh and blood. My 
 boast of heraldry, if I choose to vaunt it, cannot be eclipsed 
 by the most brilliant roll of titled ancestry. Flesh and 
 blood is but a brute view of such a noble matter. I would 
 rather have the thought of a Plato or a Socrates prompt the 
 energy of my brain, the energy of a Eousseau or a Bums 
 quicken the pulses of my heart, and (in this aspiring above 
 all human sources) the love of Jesu^ Christ transfiguring all 
 my nature with the grace of God, than claim kindred with 
 the daintiest bit of flesh and blood in the land. 
 
 " Howe'er it be, it seems to me 
 
 'Tis only noble to be good ; 
 ■ Kind hearts are more than coronets, 
 And simple faith than Norman blood.' - 
 
 Beading, then, and digesting what we have read, thereby 
 appropriating the good and the power in what we have read, 
 forms one of the great sources whence we draw our power 
 to make a figure in the world. Over and above this, hew- 
 ever, we must have the power to make a proper use of what 
 we have acquired, and be able to produce it when required 
 in conversaition or our intercourse with the world. 
 
t2 
 
 Hoiv to Shine in Society. 
 
 Conversation is simply the interchange of thought, and if 
 you desire to converse successfully you must have opinions 
 worth the giving. Small thoughts may do well enough for 
 small talk We hope, however, you will not he content with 
 such, hut will aim at becoming a being of a reasonable dis- 
 course that looks before and after. ** The gift of speech,'' 
 says Hervey, "is the great perrogative of our rational 
 nature. And it is a pity that such a superior faculty should 
 be debased to the meanest purposes. Suppose all our stately 
 vessels that pass and repass the ocean were to carry out 
 nothing but tinsel and theatrical decorations, were to import 
 nothing but glittering baubles t^^d nicely fancied toys, would 
 such a method of trading be well judged in itself, or bene- 
 ficial in its consequences? Articulate speech is the instru- 
 ment of much nobler commerce, intended to transmit and 
 diffuse the treasures of the mind. And will not the practice 
 be altogether as injudicious, must not the issue be infinitely 
 more detrimental, if this vehicle of intellectual wealth be 
 freighted only with pleasing fopperies?" Yes; be as smart 
 and tight a craft as you please when sailing into the favor 
 of society, but when you shorten sail and begin to trade, 
 have something valuable under your upper hatches to trade 
 with. Not that we would have you pedantic. Far from 
 that. There is a golden mean. Be neither shallow nor 
 profound. In the one case you will be considered a fool, in 
 the other a bore. Do not be 
 
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 f 
 
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 '' A shallow brain behind a serious mask, 
 An oracle within an empty cask. * 
 
 The solemn fop, significant and budge, 
 A fool with judges, amongst fools a judge; 
 He says but little, and that little said, 
 Owes all its weight, like loaded dice to lead. 
 His wit invites you by his looks to come, 
 But when you knock it never is at home ; 
 'Tis like a parcel sent you by the stage, 
 Some handsome present, as your hopes presage ; 
 'Tis heavy, bulky, and bids fair to prove 
 An absent friend's fidelity and love ; 
 But when unpacked your disappointment groans, 
 To find it stuffed with brickbat!, earth, and stones.'* 
 
 Conversation has another good as its result than the mere 
 interchange of thought. A man thereby passes out in review 
 before his own mind, as well as that of others, the stores he 
 may have laid up in his memory. What he has acquired 
 
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 C( 
 
 
H(yiv to Shine in Society, 
 
 becomes a more powerful item of thought when he presses 
 it iuto action in a process of thought or a course of argumen- 
 tation. It is taking the dust off the furniture of his mind« 
 and making it more tit for use than it was before. His ideas 
 are all the healthiei* tor the exercise they have passed through. 
 Dr. Johnson said that he gained more from conversation 
 tliun from study. Certainly conversation such as his was a 
 course of study in itsclt, from its intrinsic worth and the 
 manner in which it was conducted. It was a time of clubs, 
 instituted for the very purposes of conversation* which there 
 and then meant the intorcliange of the finest thought of the 
 time. Conversation at all times is one of the greatest edu- 
 cators of the mind. The conversation of our companions 
 moulds us more than the lessons and lectures of our teach- 
 ers. A man's daily conversation is the mood of his mind 
 confessed before the world. The very businesH he is daily 
 engaged in is a kind of couvei*8ation in deed and fact. It is 
 an indispensable condition for him in making hih mai'k in 
 the world, and '^specially if he wishes to make that mark a 
 distiuguisiied one. A straightforward doer is generally a 
 straightforward talker, and a man versed in diplomatic 
 machinery has genenJly plenty of oily speech to lubricate 
 the working of the wheels. 
 
 To know the company you are engaged with in conversa- 
 tion is most desirable, and will contribute much to your 
 success. You cannot talk successfully with a man unless 
 you have some insight into his character, his busi- 
 ness, his tastes, etc. Ascertain these before you venture far 
 into the interchange of sympathetic thought, else you may 
 come into collision, which of course ranks as a topic in the 
 chapter of accidents. Look into people as well as at them. 
 The more you know of their predominant passions, their 
 weaknesses, vanities, follies, humors, the greater the power 
 you may hold over them in social intercourse. If you have 
 any discernment at all yon must see that to please others 
 you must be continually sacrificing self. The fact is, that 
 you can only raise yourself in the estimation of others by 
 courteously refraining from anything that has the least look 
 of raising yourself . 
 
m 
 
 How to Shine in Sodeiy\ 
 
 ■i-r*f 
 
 T 
 
 BODILY DEPORTMENT. 
 
 tl is a matter of the first importance to the young aspir^ 
 ant that he attend to the training and deportment of his 
 body, as well as that of his mind. Besides, his physical 
 bearing has much to do with that command of address, 
 which is so noted a characteristic of the thorough-bred 
 gentleman. The body should be pioperly ''set ' by gym- 
 nastics, fencing, dancing, drill, or other physical exercises.* 
 Don't think you can launch yourself on society without pre- 
 vious preparation. You must carefully prepare yourself 
 before you can hope to succeed in this world of ideas and 
 impressions. It will not do to despise this, declaiming 
 against it as artificial. It is all art from boginuiiig to cud,' 
 though it is urt so modelled according to natur^ as to be 
 natural. Moreover, it is an art which must be uc^juircd 
 before it can be practised. All imrts of the body coutriluto 
 to this deportment, and it may be as well to notice thcin in 
 detail, with this special warning, however, that in action 
 they are all subordinate to the impulse of tlie thought that 
 is being expi-essed. If they act otherwise the movement if 
 sure to be awkward or ungainly. 
 
 POSITION OF THE BODY. 
 
 The general position of the body should be upright, with 
 the head erect, the chest expanded and well forward, the 
 shoulders thrown back, the bust firmly yet lightly resting on 
 the loins, and the whole poised on the legs with an elastic, 
 easy grace. 
 
 THE HEAD. 
 
 The head should sway the movement of the whole body. 
 From it, tbrougli the eye, radiates the entire meaning of 
 the man's sonl. Ilenco issues all true dignity, enianatint; 
 from the mind that sila " tbroned within the ivory palace of 
 
 * A • i»lo nnd cnsily ucrcssiMo uirniis of oxerciFO is the clicst 
 eximnaor. nimlc of vulcJiiiizo«l hnlin-nsblter, a ]»jnr ol wlilcli uiny ho 
 attnche*! to yom- berl-post, wljove they ccn.veiiientlv linufj, for tlaily 
 morning excrciBe. This isa deciiled iminoveuieiitoii the ohl method 
 by dumb-bells, which, however, are better thna nothing at olL 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 15 
 
 g aspir^ 
 
 b of his 
 )hysical 
 i^dress, 
 »h-bred 
 y gym- 
 rcises.* 
 lit pre- 
 oui'oelf 
 J.iH aud 
 uiming 
 to eud,' 
 to ])e 
 'jufred 
 rilnte 
 10 Ml m 
 actiou 
 t tliat 
 eut ir 
 
 witli 
 i, the 
 ugon 
 astic, 
 
 >ody. 
 
 Ltini( 
 CO of 
 
 the skull." You do not require to "bulk out" physically 
 before the eye of the public to bear a dignified presence. 
 Earl ilussel is a diminutive person physically, but he bears 
 himself in such a dignified manner that you cannot but feel 
 the large-hearted, large-thoughted soul that forms his per- 
 sonal identity. Of course, a person who has a commanding 
 figure has the advantage to begin with, but we mean to say 
 that a good deal depends on the way you make use of that 
 figure. 
 
 The face is the index of the soul, especialy in conversa- 
 tion. By an intelligent reader, it is believed rather than 
 the tongue. The tongue may temporize and dissemble, but 
 the face (and especially the eye and the mouth) reveals what 
 iH passing within. The old complaint of man not having a 
 window m his breast is groundless, so long as you can look 
 through man's eye into his soul. Let him that would hope 
 to shine compel his features and his tongue to tell the same 
 tale, and the tale will be told with effect. 
 
 . ,. \■,,"'^',^ " ''':;.^ THE TONGUE. •'■^- 'V ^^^ ;--;?^--^'^ 
 
 The tongue, as the main organ of conversation, deser^^es 
 particular attention. We are apt to think it gets plenty of 
 exercise and needs no training, but that is decidedly a mis- 
 take. To do its work artistically and methodically it must 
 be trained, that the power to use it may be easy and uncon- 
 strained. This is, of course, especially the case, should 
 there be some physical defect of the tongue impeding the 
 utterance.* The material which the tongue uses to syllable 
 into words is the air which we breathe. Converted into 
 voice as it passes out through the throat, it is stamped into 
 syllables by the organs of articulation, the chief of which is 
 the tongue. The vocal or vowel sound must be pure and 
 full, and the articulations distinct, if the thing is to be done 
 properly and to the purpose. Over and above this, the ear 
 has to determine and regulate the necessary cadences, and 
 the mind to imbue the whole vrith the appropriate pathos. 
 
 * Special defects claim special trainings, but in gei^eial the proper 
 training is simply judicious practice. The tongue, the teetn, the 
 lips, the palate and the nose, all combine in action to form articu- 
 lations, but the tongue, nevertheleBSi is the main organ, the others 
 are mainly subsidiary. ' = '^ f^ . . -. 
 
i6 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 I 
 
 A considerable amount of practice ib required here, and 
 where practicable, regular training should be undergone 
 under a competent master. 
 
 Next to the eye the mouth is the most expressive feature, 
 and contributes very much to the style of the man. Like 
 that of the oyo its expression cannot he easily disguised. 
 Large mouths aro generally supposed to be ugly, and small 
 mouths handsome, hut this is a mistake. There certainly 
 is a natural proportion for the size of the mouth, but such 
 petty criticism is swept away by tiie expression that may be 
 made to play around it. There is to be obsei'ved even in 
 the simple opening and shutting of the mouth a moderation 
 that confers sweetness and grace. The mouth has a range 
 of gestures of its own that must not be marred nor exagger- 
 ated. Its gesture lies more with the finer muscles about 
 the lips than the lever tendons of the jaw. The eloquence 
 of the lips is an old theme with the poets, who love to de- 
 lineate all that charms the eye. Virgil pictures Dido 
 " hanging on the lips " of iBneas, as the handsome warrior 
 recounts the wars of Troy ; not that the lips themselves 
 wrought the charm, but no doubt they closed with grace to 
 the eye rivieted upon them the eloquent fire of the hero's 
 soul. 
 
 THE HAND. 
 
 The hand has a greater range of expression than any 
 other accessory of the tongue. The eye has more force, but 
 tne hand can vary its expression so much that it has eve« 
 been styled a supplementary tongue. Not that when speak- 
 ing the words should be measured out with a pantomimic 
 accompaniment of the hands, but when the tongue is dis- 
 coursing sweet sounds from the heart, or thrilling the air 
 with the thunder of the soul, the hand should vibrate obedi- 
 ent to the varying impulse, telling to the eye what the 
 tongue tells to the ear. Boisterous gesticulation with the 
 hand is most reprehensible. Ever cultivate a quiet, digni- 
 fied composure as the habit of your manner, and you can, 
 at fitting opportunities, enliven that by seasonable impulses 
 of your own, or by responding heartily to those of others. 
 
 Remember through all that " the greatest art is to conceal 
 the art.'' Never be conscious of playing yourself out ; make 
 what you have determined to be the proper thing habitual, 
 and it will soon become natural. 
 
 ikiV 
 
 \\ 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 n 
 
 "■■fTV V > 
 
 CONVERSATION. 
 
 <i/i 
 
 Whatever topic of conversation be "on the carpet '* give 
 it your consideration to the utmost of your ability. Neglect 
 or scorn will alienate the hearts of all engaged. Do not be 
 BO much inclined to contradict the speaker as to approve of 
 what you consider right in what he has spoken. If, how- 
 ever, he has said what ought to be contradicted, do it in a 
 manner calculated not to give oft'er.cje. If the speaker be 
 obscure in what he has said do not charge him with mysti- 
 fication. Throw the blame ratlier on your own want of 
 comprehension, and ask him to enlighten you. Even when 
 a speaker from want of knowledge of his subject talks what 
 to you appears downright nonsense, do not snub him with 
 an uncourteous expression of the tliought in your mind. If 
 it be necessary to correct him, do it in a kindly way so as 
 not to hurt his feelings. 
 
 .When you are compelled to dissent from anythmg that 
 has been said, state first how far you agree with the speaker, 
 and how happy you are to accord with him so fai*. then how 
 unwilling you are to differ with him did not what you con- 
 sider truth constrain you, and lead you to adopt such or 
 such an opinion. Let your opinion also be couched in the 
 least repulsive foi-m the words being few and i^entle Be 
 sure to let the speaker finish what he is saying before you 
 attempt to answer or reply to it. Eemember what Solomon 
 has said. " He that aiiswereth a matter before he heareth it, 
 it is folly and shame unto him." 
 
 '.Conversation generally siiould be pat ir the form of pro- 
 positions or thought proposed rather than dictatorial asser- 
 tions, for it is a genera; contribution of talk, not a lesson, a 
 sermon or a lecture. There is a time 'when a fool should 
 be answered according to his follj', lest he be wise in his 
 own conceit " This must be done Judiciously, however, and 
 only wlifii the folly is flagrant and annoying. 
 
 Should you be listening to one who has a diffuse and 
 magniloquent style of expressing himself, condense his state- 
 ments, and ask him if that is what he means, then proceed 
 to answer him. This mode of correction will give him the 
 hint more politely, and in such a way that he need not take 
 offence. The matter in hand will also be more Ukely to re- 
 
 2 
 
x8 
 
 Haw to Shine in Society, 
 
 c«ive a speedier solution. Learn to bear contradiction with 
 patience and good temper. Listen candidly and with con- 
 sideration to all that is being said on the subject in hand ; 
 weigh it well and with justice, and show that you have taken 
 it into account in the determination of your opinion. Never 
 anticipate judgment. That would show either that you were 
 indifferent to the opinions of the others, or that you questioned 
 their jndgment, or that you were nailed down to a judgment 
 probably not of your own making. 
 
 
 % 
 
 1 r 
 ii 
 
 THE MANNER OF SPEAltlNG. 
 
 Before beginning to speak with any one, note the expres- 
 sion of his face If it be sad, do not begin by breaking a jest 
 with him ; if merry, do not begin by sighing out a complaint. 
 Suit yourself to your man, and then you may hope to begin 
 successfully. 
 
 Watch the effect of your words through his face. That is 
 whore you must read the result whether successful or not. 
 All the time you are talking you must wait on him also with 
 your eye, so as to be guided in what it would be judicious to 
 say next. It is a kind of fencing with the tongue, with the 
 eye as guide and guard. 
 
 As a general rule it is wise to shun everything in conver- 
 sation upon which the company may be likely to differ 
 seriously. Politics and religion generally come under this 
 head. Pohtics may be made to assumes a phase that is by 
 no means reprehensible, as a policy of another nation in 
 which no one present is immediately interested vitally. 
 What is general in religion — what intimately concerns 
 religious morality is a legitimate enough topic. Especially 
 what bears upon Christian manliness must be one of the 
 noblest topics any company can talk about, but cant, dogma, 
 special creeds, questionable experiences, and such like, must 
 never be entered on. _ 
 
 Though you should have the soundest reason on your side., 
 yield with a good grace when you see that the discussion is 
 becoming irritating, and likely to lead to downright quarrel. 
 You will thereby conciliate your opponent, who you may be 
 sure, will not on any terms allow himself to be talked into 
 the right, seeing that he has lost his temper, which means 
 that for the time being he has actually lost his reason. You 
 
 'r I I t 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 19 
 
 
 ^r t I I 
 
 would have no objection to give in to the whim of a mad- 
 man, why then not to him who is temporarily mad ? Such a 
 procedure may convince him when he reflects upon what 
 has been said. At any rate, by yielding the point you show 
 to advantage in the opinion of every sensible person in the 
 company. * 
 
 NcJver hold an opinion obstinately in the face of reason 
 and sense. Some people assert dogmatically, and will listen 
 to nothing on the opposite side. Generally those who assert 
 dogmatically beheve blindly, and are looked upon as bigoted 
 fools. You may have decided opinions, and yet wear them 
 easily and gracefully. Obstinacy is sometimes looked upon 
 as dignity, but it is a great mistake. It is more dignified to 
 keep your opinions in the background than to push them 
 arrogantly forward. 
 
 Never talk about things of which you are ignorant, nor of 
 which you know very little, else you are sure to make a fool 
 of yourself. Never venture out of your depth, and you are 
 not likely to get drowned. If some one knocks you out of 
 your soundings don't be ashafcned to say that you can't 
 swim. 
 
 The art of listening is as important as the art of convers- 
 ing. A good listener is always sure to please. The one 
 who is talking to him gifts him with all the qualities neces- 
 sary to appreciate his own discourse, and the listener venturing 
 nothing cannot of course possibly lose anything. Not that we 
 would recommend this quiet swallowing of others' talk. 
 Each man is bound in courtesy to furnish his quota, and 
 the most polite way is to give as much as you receive. It is 
 wonderful how much you can contribute to a conversation 
 the subject matter of which is comparatively strange to you. 
 Different kinds of knowledge have all a relationship which 
 frequently brings them into contact, and in virtue of this 
 your turn is jpretty sure to come., how remote soever the 
 subject be from your accustomed sphere of studies. Every 
 man should make himself as many-sided as possible, and in 
 that case no kind of conversation should come amiss. In 
 contributing besides to a conversation, in the absence of 
 facts you may furnish inquiries regarding facts of which you 
 may happen to be ignorant. No man is bound to know 
 everything except a schoolmaster, as Charles Lamb face- 
 tiously remarks, 
 
20 
 
 Haw to Shine in Society. 
 
 SPEAK GEAMMATICALLY. 
 
 All who move in polite society are understood to be gram- 
 matically conversant with their mother tongue. Indeed, 
 the Hiore thoroughly acquainted you are with the language 
 you are conversing in, the more likely you are to shine in it. 
 It may not be so much adapted for conversation as the 
 French, but it has more power, for it is pre-eminently the 
 language of thought. It is earnest beyond any language 
 living, but there is a wide difference between a superficial 
 knowledge of it, and that thorough acquaintance with it 
 that linds its words winged with the gentleness of the dove 
 or the vigor of the eagle. At the same time that you take 
 care to speak correctly, be not forward to correct the lan- 
 guage of others, should they happen to make mistakes. 
 Such a course would be the height of ill-breedmg. Take 
 not the slightest obvious notice of them, nor is there any 
 need of your doing so — they have already been noted quietly 
 by every well-educated person who may have heard them. 
 Your noticing them publicly would be set down against you 
 as an act of malicious pedantry. Ldt others alone and be 
 content to watch yourself. 
 
 Avoid pedantic and obsolete words and phrases in your 
 conversation, unless you wish to pass for a solemn fool 
 Affectation of any kind is simply ridiculous. Use the t ^rds 
 and phrases that are correct in good society. Your own 
 good * sense will generally guide you in determining what 
 should be adopted and what should be avoided. Phraseology 
 peculiar to the saloons, clubs, theatres, stables, etc., is not 
 allowable on any account, as it is certain to stamp any per- 
 son who uses it as a " low fellow." Equally reprehensible as 
 bein^ out of place, is the phraseology peculiar to the house of 
 prayer, 'riiat is too sacred a subject to be drawled over with 
 commonplace topics, and the manner so venerably appro- 
 priate to the hour of prayer sounds very much like cant in 
 tl:e hour of light conversation. 
 
 The surest way to please is to speak simply and with no ap- 
 pearanccof affectation. Pretentiousness is sure t ^ be put down, 
 for it wounds the amour propre of the listeners, and bores them 
 with want of useful purpose. Depend upon it, if once you 
 begin to admire yourself for what you are saying, the acln^ii:- 
 
Hoiv to Shine in Society, 
 
 2r 
 
 atioil of otheiH is sure to be in the inverse ratio to your own. 
 To exhibit yourself in conversation is just about a» bad an 
 to talk about yourself; b< oh are insufferable, and hIiouUI 
 never be attempted by L.in who has the least desire to 
 shine. 
 
 Be sure that you consider well what you are going to say 
 before you actually say it ; moreover, consider well to whom 
 you are going to say it. Never ask information concerning 
 a third party from one whom you know nothing about, and 
 take care to say nothing good or ill to him relative to the 
 third party. You would be making a confidant thereby of 
 one who is an utter stranger to you. You are apt to forget 
 this in the moment of good companionship. Never speak 
 evil or good of a person who is not present if you wish to 
 please everybody. If you speak evil of him, he may have 
 friends there unknown to you who will make your words 
 recoil on yourself. If you speak good of him then his ene- 
 mies may become yours. It is the best and safest way not 
 to talk of him at all. But iffyou must speak of him, speak 
 good rather than evil, for you will thereby be likely to make 
 fewer enemies. A better reason is that it is more Christian- 
 like, and then^fore more in accordance with true politeness. 
 
 '* Not to o^nd," it has been truly said, " is the first step 
 towards pleasing." This remark is well worth the considera- 
 tion of all who try to shine by brilliancy of wit. The shaft 
 of ridicule that wounds to pain rebounds on him who sped 
 it, and wounds himself more seriously than the victim. The 
 first step is only the introduction to those that follow. To 
 wound the feeUngs of others is un-Christiau and therefore 
 unpolite. ' ,:_ 
 
 EGOTISM. 
 
 Of course, unless you happen to be in love, you are the 
 most important being in the world to yourself. You think, 
 feel, and act from self. The Golden Rule of Etiquette 
 simply that you should do unto others as you would that 
 others should do unto you. Without a due sense of the 
 Ego you would be a nonentity. *♦ There is no man however 
 small but makes a figure in his own eyes." When the due 
 sense of it beams out ha. dsomely, we call it self-respect; 
 when it darts out offensively, egotism. 
 
ii 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 Modesty is biittho proper thing if you find yourself inferior, 
 and the most becoming if superior. It is a ^ood background 
 for talents to shine from. It will never degrade you lower, 
 but may often raise you higlier than you deserve ; for in 
 polite society the balance is always in favor of what is pro- 
 per and correct. A favorite mode of egotism is what is 
 commonly called " fishing" for praise out of the mouths of 
 others, either by praising them in the first instance, by way 
 of giving the cue, for the very qualities we are vain enough 
 to think ourselves possessed of, or by under- rating our ability, 
 when we are well known to possess it in a high degiee. 
 
 MEMORY. 
 
 A good memory is a great help to ready conversation. It 
 is a storehouse from which you may draw inexhaustible 
 material. Of course, you can draw out only what you have 
 stored up in it. Be careful, then, to put into it what you 
 need not be ashamed to bring out of it. To ihine in society 
 you need not necessarily be brilliant in intellect or in imagi- 
 nation — to be well informed is all that is required. The 
 well-informed man has a great advantage in conversation. 
 It is not a time nor a place for reference, and he who can, 
 off-hand fix a date or supply a fact, shines to advantage in 
 the conversation. ' ' 
 
 TRUTH. 
 
 In the excitement and play of conversation always bear a 
 strict adherence to truth. Honesty of fact should never be 
 departed from, else it will vitiate the strength and influence 
 of what a man says. He is sure to be found out sooner or 
 later, for men are pretty good critics of the probable and the 
 improbable. Never attempt to angle for surprise with re- 
 lating prodigious incidents. Such are only fit for children 
 and silly old men. ..,,.. 
 
 . "A great retailer of this curious ware .. , '■ 
 
 Having unloaded and made many stare, '. 
 
 * Can this be true ?' an arch observer cries ; 
 
 ' Yes,' rather moved, • I saw it with these eyes.' " . 
 
 * Sir, I believe it on that ground aloue, 
 
 I could not, had I seen it with my own.** 
 
 1^-^ 
 
Him U Sliitu in Society, 
 
 ^3 
 
 THE SPLENDID SPEAKEB. 
 
 There he in, faultlessly dressed ! Instinctively he has 
 fcaken his seat in the most conspicuons part of the room> 
 every corner of which he commands with his omni -radiating 
 eye. With ears erect, he awaits the decisive moment to lay 
 hold of the conversation with his everlasting tongue. He 
 is lying in wait, and now he springs from his ambush, and 
 fastens on his helpless victims. You have said something 
 to an intelligent person next you, with whom you anticipatS 
 an agreeable chat. No such happiness for you, with such 
 an animal prowling near. Clearing his throat (which sounds 
 like an ominous growl before the decisive leap) and extend- 
 ing his hand to your neighbor to indicate that he need not 
 answer, he comes down upon you with infinite majesty, and 
 with an air that stills every voioeful breath in the room. 
 (You never hear the birds sing when a kite is upon them.) 
 Magniloquently hi replies to your simple remarks, nor need 
 you answer him back. He means to talk for you and the 
 company the rest of the evening. Nor is his voice shaped 
 for you alone. It is conscious of being addressed to every 
 pair of ears in the room. At length one of the victims rebels. 
 The splendid speaker is contradicted. With terrible con- 
 centration of power he turns round upon the offending 
 culprit, and annihilating him with his eyes, proceeds to ire- 
 annihilate him with his tongue. But to his astonishment the 
 rebellion is general. A thousand satiric darts are hurled at 
 his head. He is silenced. With inexpressible hauteur he 
 turns from them all and wraps himself in the imperturbable 
 impenetrability of his self-conscious dignity. He is fairly 
 " shut up," and everybody is thankful. 
 
 .^ . »ELF.RE»PECT. 
 
 r 
 
 This is a feeling that has nothing in common wfth egotism, 
 tho^^h it has reference to self. The man who does' not re- 
 spect himself will never be respected by others. There is a 
 dignity, in the assuming of which there is no arrogance but 
 the greatest propriety. This dignity is quite compatible 
 with modesty, humility, and all the unpretending virtues. 
 It is a sad sight to see a man undervaluing himsel and the 
 
24 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 purpose for which he was destined, by not employing, or by 
 abusing the powers he possesses. One man fritters himself 
 awHy in silly or ignoble pursuits ; another helps to swell the 
 current of crime by prostituting, it may be, splendid talents 
 in the service of vice. Just think what man is. Take 
 Shakespeare's fine description — " What a piece of work is 
 man ! how noble in reason I how infinite in faculties ! in 
 form and moving how express and admirable ! in action how 
 like an angel I in apprehension how like a god 1 " It is quite 
 right and proper to bav© an adequate idea of what you really 
 are, and to act upon that idea, which you may very well do 
 without arrogating more to yourself than is necessary. Self- 
 respect, be it remembered, is acted, not professed by word 
 of mouth. Whenever you begin to talk of your self-respect 
 you are in imminent danger of losing it. He can only pro- 
 perly respect himself who orders all his thoughts and actions 
 in accordance with the principles of religion and morality 
 It is nonsense to speak of a silly man or a bad man respect- 
 ing himself. It is necessary to have the elfements that cause 
 respect to be entertained by others.. The consciousness of 
 having them and of ever acting on them induces the feeling 
 in our breast. The meanest hind may be actuated bj' it as 
 well as the proudest monarch. It is every man's safeguard 
 against degradation. Whenever self-respect is gone, aU 
 trace of manline3s is quickly lost. 
 
 MODESTY. 
 
 Of all qualities modesty would seem at first thought the 
 least compatible with " shming in society," but it is not so. 
 " A just and reasonable modesty," says Addison, *' sets cif 
 every great talent a man may be possessed of. It he 'gh tend 
 all the virtues which it accompanies ; like the shades in 
 paintings, it raises and rounds every figure, and makes the 
 colors more beautiful, though not so glaring as they would 
 be without it." '^ Indeed, this quality is of so much import- 
 ance that you must " assume a modesty if you have it not." 
 You gain infinitely more than you give up, for there is a 
 generous feeling in society that tends to accord where no 
 pretonsion is made, even to a greater extent than there is 
 any real ground for. " Be not too tame either, but let your 
 own <liscretion be your tutor." 
 
How to Shine in Society. 
 
 A nnaii ^^ererally feels laslifiil when lie feds tlint he is 
 singnlar. Place him \vhere this feeing has no reason to 
 exist, and his bashfulness disappears. It is much better 
 that any singularity he may possess should induce bashful- 
 ness rather than vanity, but there is no substantial reason 
 for either the one or the othar. Remove the singularity, if 
 there be one really and not merely in your own imagination, 
 as is often the case, and then there can be no occasion for 
 it ; or if the singularity be such that you cannot remove it, 
 do not seem to be conscious of it yourself, and he who dares 
 to notice will be censured by every man of sense in the com- 
 pany. 
 
 " I pity bashful men who feel the pain • 
 
 Of fancied scorn and undeserved disdain, 
 And bear the marks-upon a blushing f!!ce 
 Of endless shame and self-imposed disgrace. 
 Our sensibilities are so acute, 
 
 ' 'Jhe fear of being silent makes us mnte. 
 We somrtimes think we could a s^' cch produce 
 Much to tfce purpose if our tongues were loose ; 
 But being tied it dies upon the lip, 
 Faint as a chicken's note that has the pip." 
 
 snd 
 in 
 le 
 
 lid 
 
 rt- 
 . »> 
 
 BOLDNESS. 
 
 Without a proper amount of boldness no one can hope to 
 shine in society. A weak, flickering I'ght cannot shin«> to 
 any useful purpose. If you have plenty of oil within to keep 
 your light burning, hide it not under a bushel, but place it 
 boldly where it may give light to all who are within its range. 
 
 " But know, that nothing cnn so foolish be . . _ . 
 
 As empty boldness ; therefore first essay 
 To stuff thy mind with solid bravery ; 
 Then march on gallnnt, get substMiitinl worth ; 
 Boldness gilds finely, and will set it forth." 
 
 Take care, however, that your boldness does not over-reach 
 itself and degenerate into impertinence or rudeness. You 
 may know when that takes place by the impression you have 
 made upon your listeners. If you have done wrong don't 
 hesitate to apologize at once, as an artist who has made a 
 false stroke is not ashamed to rub it out. Even in render- 
 ing the apology you may jQnd occasion to distinguish your- 
 self, for it stamps you as a gentleman of the right sort at 
 once. " Handsome is that handsome does " is a very well 
 known and much appreciated saying in all companies^ 
 
\ i 
 
 I i 
 I i 
 
 :t i. 
 
 dfi; 
 
 Ifo7v to Shine in Society, 
 
 FORWAEDNESS. 
 
 Nothing IS more unbecoming or more calculated to defeat 
 one's attempt t© "shine" than forwardness. Young per- 
 sons ought not to assume consequence in any kind of society, 
 but especially before men of age, wisdom and experience. 
 Take the sensible advice of Parmenio, the Grecian general, 
 to his son — " My son, would you be great, you must be less ; 
 that is, you must be less '\\\ your own eyes if you would be 
 gitafc in the eyes of others." A French writer beautifully 
 jlinstrates the contrast thus : — " The modest deportment of 
 really wise men, Vvhen contrasted with the assuming air of 
 the young and ignorant, may be compared to the different 
 appearance of wheat, which while its ear is empty holds up 
 its head proudly, but as soon as it is filled with grain, bends 
 modestly down and withdraws from observation.* 
 
 Boasting is a mode of putting one's self forward that is 
 very offensive. Don't try it, for people won't believe a word 
 oi what you say. There's a good story told of a young cler- 
 gyman in America boasting in company that he had been 
 educated at two colleges. Harvard and Cambridge " You 
 remind me," said an aged divine present, " of an instance I 
 knew of a calf that sucked two cows." " What was the 
 consequence?" said a third person. " Why, sir," replied 
 the old gentleman very gravely, " the consequence was that 
 he was a very great calfy Served him right. 
 
 DIFFIDENCE. 
 
 Though forwardness is to be avoided if you desire to please, 
 you must not fall into the other extreme of diffidence. As 
 it is usually men of little knowledge and of mediocre talent 
 that push themselves forward where they ought not to be, 
 so generally we find it to be men (. f uncommon worth, fine 
 genius and excellent ability that la r under the terrors of 
 diffidence. Of the two diffidence is certainly the less objec- 
 tionable, but if you desire to make a figure at all, this will 
 defeat your object, though you should be otherwise most 
 distinguished. The fact is, society is a terror to a diffident 
 man, and he instinctively avoids it. Difiidt'nce may be 
 overcome, however, by the force of moral courage, and the 
 accustoming one's self, so as to become familiar with the 
 »cial 'l.utiea. Habit in this becomes second nature. 
 
 'M 
 
How to Shine in Society. 
 
 «7 
 
 of 
 
 CIVILITY. 
 
 Civility, it has been said, costs nothing, and yet it is of 
 great value. We cannot dispense with the law to honor all 
 men. If a civil word or two will make a man happy, why 
 should we withhold them when they cost us nothing. "It 
 is like lighting another man's candle by one's own, which 
 loses none of its light by what the other gains." A kind 
 word or a kind action will often call forth more gratitude in 
 the heart of the recipient than material benefits. It is quite 
 possible for a man to be compelled to receive a benefit, 
 and yet not thank the giver through the incivility of the 
 conferment. 
 
 ATTENTION. 
 
 A good listener \^ always a favorite in conversation. The 
 art of listening well is sometimes preferable to the art of 
 iEm speaking well. Want of attention to a person who is speak- 
 ing to you is a gross contravention of the law of politeness. 
 It is a crime not easily pardoned by the victim, who feels it 
 perhaps more keenly than an open insult. We know that 
 towards "bores" it is almost impossible not to conduct one's 
 self even with some marked show of inattention, but the 
 well-bred man will rather seek the means of politely ridding 
 himself of the " bore," and so have " one enemy the less," 
 which is the next best to having " one friend the more." In 
 listening to Jbhe conversation of another, it is not only n<jces- 
 sary that you should attend, but that you should show your 
 interest in the matter by frequent responses, or ejaculations, 
 or remarks. Passive silence merely, even with your eyes 
 indicating attention, is not enough. You must show that 
 you have been attending with your ears also, and that is 
 best done by responding with the tongue. 
 
 One very common reason why w€ meet with so few people 
 who are really agreeable in conversation is that there is 
 scarcely any body who does not think more of what he has 
 to say, than of listening to and answering what is said to 
 him. Even those who are reputed to have the greatest 
 politeness sometimes think they do enough if they only seem 
 to be attentive. At the same time their eyes and gestures 
 betray a distraction as to what is addressed to them, and an 
 impatience to return to what they themselves were saying. 
 
28 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 Tiiey forget that to be studious of pleasing themselves is tut 
 a poor way to please others, and that to listen patiently and 
 answer complaisantly is essentially characteristic of good 
 conversation. Without careful attention nothing can be 
 done, and your attention should not oiily be careful and con- 
 siderate, but quick and universal too, so far as your range is 
 occupied, for where all are considered on an equality no one 
 cares to be overlooked. Readiness of attention is also a 
 valuable auxiliary to mantain that easy flow of conversation 
 which is so liable to be interrupted by a change of speakers 
 or of subjects. Th6 f/ict is, that to be perfect in this, you 
 should have within the range of your observation all that is 
 transpiring around you — all the people, their motions, their 
 looks, their words, and yet without staring at them or seem- 
 ing to be an observer. Be ever ready for any little inter- 
 change of civility that may occur. Rernember how pleased 
 you were with the slightest mark of attention paid to you. 
 The same result will follow when you show them to others. 
 
 it 
 
 LARGE TALK AND SMALL TALK. 
 
 »» 
 
 fi 
 
 !• j ; I 
 
 I- i 
 
 Some young men have a habit of talking largely about 
 things and about themselves. They desire not only to shine 
 but to astonish. These belong to the class dubbed by society 
 " Magnificent liars." Let them give over the habit, for they 
 are never believed even when they may be telling the plain, 
 unadorned matter of fact. So far from shining, they are 
 pretty sure some time or other to have the "shine" com- 
 pletely extinguished by some intended victim who cannot 
 stomach the silly imposition longer. 
 
 Small talk is as great a fault as large talk, whether it be 
 shallow or flippant. Part of the conversation must neces- 
 sarily be made up of commonplace topics, but these can be 
 dealt with in a rational and gentlemanly manner, without 
 'ondescending to gossip and " old wives' gabble." 
 
 Talk much and err much, says the Spaniard, and the 
 ' ;)iai;ard is not far wrong. If we lay ourselves out to talk 
 iiinch, then we venture upon what we do not know very well 
 rather than cease talking, and so make blunders. To bridle 
 the tongue is not so very easy when it has a mind to set off 
 at full gallop " Reason lies between the spur and the 
 bridle." Use a wise moderation, being neither too sedate 
 
How to Shine in Sepety. 
 
 29 
 
 J but 
 
 and 
 good 
 n be 
 
 con- 
 ige is 
 oone 
 Lso a 
 ation 
 akers 
 . you 
 liat is 
 
 their 
 seem- 
 inter- 
 leased 
 ) you. 
 ithers. 
 
 about 
 shine 
 society 
 or they 
 5 plain, 
 ley are 
 " com- 
 cannot 
 
 er it be 
 ; neces- 
 3 can be 
 without 
 
 md the 
 to talk 
 ery well 
 :o bridle 
 ,0 set off 
 and the 
 o sedate 
 
 nor too talkative. The former will proclaim your ignorance 
 to the company, the latter your presumption and conceit. 
 Talkativenf^ss, though in the main to be censured, does not 
 always proceed from want of judgment. In Scotland people 
 are not talkative enough — they are too reticent, and when 
 they do talk, they rather argue than converse. In France 
 the conversation seems to us an eternal jabber, so incessant- 
 ly do they talk. In England they have a free open-hearted 
 talkativeness that is light, merry, and cheerful, without 
 being at all flippant, and this seems to be the vein most 
 natural for the purposes of conversation. 
 
 M J-^:l. ,•.; .;■■-' ' ANECDOTE. , .' - •'', - ' —..^r. 
 
 Anecdotes, when well told and fittingly introduced, form 
 good '* shining" material. The chief requisite is that they 
 be new, and calculated to interest and amuse the company. 
 They ought to be introduced seldom, and only when they 
 are apt. Oipit unnecessary detail and never digress. Im- 
 pregnate them with as much liveliness and humor as you 
 can. The more brilliantly they sparkle the more they are 
 appreciated. But beware of dry narrative. 
 
 " A story in which native humor reigns 
 Is often useful, always enteitains ; , , ' 
 
 But sedentary weavers of long tales 
 , Give me the fidgets, and my ijatience fails. 
 'Tis the most asinine employ on earth 
 To hear them tell of parentage and birth, 
 And echo conversations dull and dry, 
 'EmheUished'with— lie said, and fio said I." 
 
 Anecdotes wli'cli may do very well in one company may 
 fall flat and tedious in another. The character, the habits, 
 the cant of one company may give merit to a story which 
 may be entirely wanting in anotlier. People are often dis- 
 appointed by not attending to this. They are mortified 
 beyond measure to find what set one company in a roar, 
 and procured for them, mayhap, immediate conversatiounl 
 status, falls flat and dull in another which they hoped to 
 have taken by storm, and for that purpose committed them- 
 selves to the most unmistakable emphasis which characte" 
 izes a man when he knows he is saying a good thing. Src 
 a check is enough to freeze him up for the rest of the e\ ^ • 
 injj, so let him beware of beiwg out of season with unseat: < : 
 ftble Wit, 
 
30 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 .. i 
 
 
 Long stories are quite ont of place in general oonyersation. 
 There are times when a person is called on to relate a story, 
 but these are special. Wlien such an occasion does occur, 
 it is best to meet the emergency boldly, 'And to tell the story 
 as directly, yet as circumstantially, as \our information will 
 allow. A <^ood story-teller lias then a iirstrate opportunity 
 to shine, and it is worth while to have paid some attention 
 to the art beforehand, so as the more thoroughly to please 
 the company and gain credit for yourself. Whatever is 
 worth doing at all is worth doing well. That must be our 
 excuse for advising preparation. 
 
 Short incidents and bon-mots are quite allowable. Indeed 
 they are highly ornamental and even useful in ya^gring the 
 style of conversation. 
 
 " A tale should be judicious, clear, succinct, ' 
 The language plain, and incidents well linked; 
 Tell not as new what everybody knows, 
 And new or old, still hasten to a close ; 
 1 here cent'ring in a focus, round and neat* 
 Let all your rays of information meet." 
 
 PUNNING. 
 
 Punning used to be more respectable than it is now. It 
 can, however, boast the example of Shakespeare, and some 
 of the finest wits that have graced society. Punchy too, has 
 so commended the practice to our notice, that the prejudice 
 against it is wearing away. Vile pnns by conceitecQpunsters 
 have brought the thing into disx'ej^ e. A good pun, rising 
 naturally out of the current of the conversation, is not to be 
 despised, but there must be nothing like an attempt to be 
 funny by playing upon the words when everybody else is 
 seriously engaged in attending to the thought. Some posi- 
 tively lay a trap for it, and when the opportunity is made 
 to present itself, pounce upon it immediately ; garnish their 
 lontemptible game with a few grins, and toss it with a con- 
 ceited leer among their unfortunate victims. The trap is 
 set in many ways. The trap enigmatical, thus : — ^Why is a 
 person beating his wife like a ladies' tailor? Because he is 
 a man milling her (7nan milliner). The trap hypothetical, 
 thus : — If a chairman were political, he woud certainly lend 
 a helping hand to the Poles, The trap anecdotical, thus : 
 "VVheii the tyrant of Algiers was conveyed to Naples, th^ 
 
 :.i i^ 1 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 31 
 
 Polacca, on board which vessel he was, outsailed all the 
 vessels which accompanied her. " Indeed." But you know 
 there was no wonder in that, for she was sure to carry the 
 Dey. 
 
 LAUGHTER, 
 
 Goldsmith well describes the " loud laugh " as speaking 
 *' the vacant mind." He was not far wrong. Loud laughter 
 generally indicates a lamentable absence of due mental oc- 
 cupation. Whatever the truth of the matter may be, people 
 generally suspect the vacuity of thought " where laughter 
 hath such room to ring," on the principle that " an empty 
 barrel gives forth the greatest sound." The "Preacher" 
 tells us that 
 
 " The noisy laughter of the fool 
 Is like the crackling sound 
 Of blazing thorns which quickly fall 
 In ashes to the ground." 
 
 So you see there is not much " shining " stuff in this to suit 
 your purpose. There is, at any rate, in the best view of it, 
 much suspicion attached, and like CsBsar's wife, your repu- 
 tation to shine must be above suspicion. You may laugh 
 heartily yet not loudly nor noisily. ♦♦ I have always preferred 
 cheerfulness to mirth," says the essayist. It was the in- 
 stinct of good manners that prompted the thought. Cheer- 
 fulness produces the smile, and tne gentle laugh, and fills 
 the mind with the steady and constant serenity of the sum- 
 mer day. Cheerfulness is the best mood for conversation 
 It is the most easily sustained and the most comfortaby 
 enjoyed. There are exceptions of course. Some by their 
 flashes of wit can " set the table in a roar." Then the 
 " roar " is proper and becoming, and the restraint of it would 
 be pure affectation. 
 
 IJnless a person has fairly brought down ridicule on his 
 own head, it is highly unbecoming to laugh at him. It de- 
 stroys that symparthy without which no company can feel 
 comfortable. Do not be too suspicious, either, that people 
 are laughing at you. If j^ou behave properly and people 
 do laugh at you, it is to their own disadvantage, not yours. 
 
 A laugh may often be used judiciously in conversation to 
 blunt the edge of some sarcasm that may have been 111- 
 oaturedly uttered against you. It shows tha^t the barbe4 
 
3'^ 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 ™ 
 
 
 dart has not pierced your good nature, and if you follow it 
 up with a good-natured joke your victory is complete, and you 
 "shine" forth like the sun dispersing a wintry cloud. 
 
 The most detestable kind of laughter we know is the gig- 
 gle. Detestable enough in woman, it is far more so in man. 
 It is the sure indication of not only vacuity of thought, but 
 of lightness of intellect and instability of affection. It is 
 equally characteritsic of the heartless coquette and the fop- 
 pish man-flirt. George Herbert has some very sensible lines 
 on laughter ; they are these : 
 
 *• Pick out of mirth, like stones out of thy ground, 
 * Profareness, flltbiness, abusiveness, 
 
 These are the scum, with ■which coarse wits abound; 
 The fine may spare these well, yet not go less 
 All things are big with jest ; nothing that's x)laiD 
 But may be witty, if thou hast the vein. 
 
 •' Wit's an unruly engine, wildly striking 
 
 Sometimes a friend, sometimes the engineer ; 
 Hast thou the knack? pamper it not with liking; 
 But if thou want it, buy it not too dear. 
 Many affectmg wit beyond their power, 
 Have got to he a dear fool for an hour. 
 
 " A sad toise valor is the brave complexion. 
 
 That leads the van, and swallows up the cities. 
 The gigyler is a mi'kmaid, ;;vhom infection, 
 Or a fired beacon frighteth from his duties. 
 Then he's the sport, the mirth then in him rests, 
 And the sad man is cock of all his jests." 
 
 TABLE TALK. 
 
 Table talk is a sphere in which the most distinguished 
 may have endeavored to shine. Volumes of their table-talk 
 have been published, and this aphoristic literature is held in 
 high esteem. While the dinner is being served, the prelude 
 to the conversation is being carried on. Now is the favorable 
 time for gaining a knowledge of the different individuals 
 with whom you are to pass the next few hours. At this 
 period the tone of conversation is not very high pitched. 
 The topics are generally of a common-place kind, for as yet 
 you have no common ground on which to meet your associ- 
 ates The weather — what's new — the interchange of civili- 
 ties — public amusements form a starting point. The 
 association of ideas and their interchange keep up the flow. 
 (Gradually mind discloses itself to mind, and the mere tal^ 
 
 1 ti 
 
H(nv to Shine in Society • 
 
 33 
 
 pasRps into genuine conversation. The commonplace topics 
 enab.e us to form an estimate of the company — to distin- 
 guish the talkative from the taciturn, the quick, from the 
 dull, the cheerful, jovial man from the slow and the sour. 
 
 If you desire to shine to advantage at dinner, order and 
 hushand your topics like the courses that come before you, 
 for a great deal depends on the inclination of your associates 
 to listen to you. Let them be light at first and more sub 
 stantial as you proceed, and if you have wit, spend it judi- 
 ciously in seasoning all. 
 
 During the soup course, conversation is almost entirely 
 dispensed with. The minds are all generally engrossed with 
 one topic, and to talk upon that topic is forbidden by the 
 laws of dinner etiquette. The animal appetite must be 
 silenced before the rational faculty is allowed to play. 
 • After the first course you may begin to feel the pulse of 
 your neighbor, or vis-a-vis^ by some little approach to gaiety, 
 but beware of attracting general attention. At the second 
 course the appetite begins to abate, and a restraining pause 
 ensues. Now they like nothing better than to talk and listen 
 for a short time. This is the time for the interchange of 
 pleasantries, and short lively anecdotes. But don't bother 
 the mind with any serious work to do, for it is still under 
 the sway of the stomach, and will not brook anything that 
 requires sustained attention. People resent anything that 
 looks like an attempt to spoil their dinner or the digestion 
 
 of it. '"■ .' '■' .• ;/'i-i-'- ::- -•: ^;;. ■ 
 
 As the courses proceed you may open out more freely, for 
 all are becoming emancipated from the dominion of physical 
 appetite, and the mental is now decidedly in the ascendant. 
 Beware, still, however, of boring your neighbors with too 
 heavy talk, or too continuous, for the reign of free, uninter- 
 rupted conversation has not yet begun. 
 
 But when the dessert is on the the table — when the ripe 
 delicate fruit is set, and the sparkling wines stream from the 
 crvHtul, then let flow your raciest thoughts — your wit — your 
 hnuior — your fancies — whatever you may excel in. No"re- 
 8tra.pt is needed now butthat of good sense, sound judgment 
 and manly courtesy. ., , ,;; \ :- v • ,4v - 
 
 _v:. V 
 
 j' 
 
 ,.jf (,' 
 
r^ V 
 
 H 
 
 How to Shiue in Society. 
 
 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 After uinnor the subject of conversation should be of a 
 light and entertaining character, such as the general news or 
 current literature of the day. Keep pace with the tenor of 
 the conversat on around you. Carefully guard against the 
 wily wine stealing away your brains. Then the tongue 
 loosens itself and runs off, or flounders in the mud of a thick 
 utterance or a plunging stuttering. Shun all approaches to 
 argument or discussion ; you are not met to draw conclu- 
 sions, but to accept them from each other m a friendly way. 
 For this reason politics is generally forbidden as an article 
 of conversation, for in a mixed company there is sure to bo 
 a difference of opinion, and men think too keenly upon that 
 to talk amicably about it. Besides it is extremely sugges- 
 tive of the hot electioneering party spirit we witness so often 
 when summoned to record our thoughts by actual vote. 
 Should any one be so rude as to turn a joke upon you, turn 
 the laugh as good naturcdly as you can upon himself, but 
 avoid collision with any one as much as possible. Toasts 
 are going out of fashion except at public entertainments. 
 A well-told anecdote or a clever conundrum is about the 
 only kind of public solo you can venture on. 
 
 When you have joined the ladies, alter your style entirely. 
 Should the evening be fine and you take a turn in the gar- 
 den, you find yourself paired off Vvith a companion. Should 
 that companion be of the fair sex, entertain her with the 
 language of Flora, or the poetry ot flowers, or some such 
 sentimental subject. Should you be linked to a gentleman, 
 you may narrow the choice of your subject, and select that 
 whicji ypou know he is most intimately conversant with. 
 
 ACCOMPLISHMENTS. 
 
 There is not a more legitimate method of *• shining in 
 society " than through what are termed '* accompHshments." 
 There are the active fields of science; literature and art to 
 choose accomplishments from, according to the taste of the 
 
 chooser. 
 
 ^ 
 
 Science, or the knowledge of things, is as wide as creation, 
 and as interesting to intelligent minds. Its wonders are 
 
How to SAifie in Soaety, 
 
 3i 
 
 m 
 
 I 
 
 ine^clin-Tistible ; and he "viho is conversant with them can 
 always have it in his power to promote conversation of the 
 loftiest kind. He is the privileged exhibitor of the beautiful 
 spectacle of the universe, and his intelligent audience gladly 
 pay him for his entertainment, by feelings of gratitude, ad- 
 miration, and respect. 
 
 Literature is one in which elegant minds delight to shine. 
 In this, human nature refines itself by finding itself mirror- 
 ed back in ideal forms. The idealization of our being need 
 not spend itself in mere ideas. The thoughts in our minds, 
 the words upon our lips may be purified and refined by this 
 idealizing process couched in the study of literature, and 
 yet be as true, as good, and as strong as before. The action 
 too is not impaired — it is that of a higher being. 
 
 Botli science and literature have great thoughts for ex- 
 ression, and he who can express them greatly will always 
 e deemed a great man. Nor can we cultivate them with- 
 out getting into the society of great men, and unconsciously 
 borrowing something of their greatness. It is said, with a 
 deal of truth, that a man is known by the society he keeps. 
 If, then, you show that you have been in the company of 
 such as Homer, Shakespeare, Galileo, or Buffon, you will be 
 known only for what is noble and good. On a woodland ex- 
 cursion he who can find ** sermons in stones, books in the run- 
 ning brooks, and good in everything,^* will shine to greater 
 advantage than he who babbles talk foreign to the lovely 
 world that surrounds him, and that is constantly projecting 
 the loveliest pictures on the tablet of his mind. 
 
 A knowledge of languages, ancient or modem, or both, 
 with their literatures, has great weight in society, and 
 makes a man shine more powerfully than the little '•'■ art,** 
 which shows off accomplishments that are merely surface 
 deep. Nothing is considered more the mark of a gentleman 
 til an an acquaintance with the classics, ancient or modem. 
 True, it sometimes degenerates into pedantry ; Ifut that is 
 the abuse, not the use of it. Thought is of course a higher 
 sphere of conversation than mere language, but the Attic 
 salt is considered best as a seasoner by average minds, and 
 you cannot always have the pleasii^ of your own judgment 
 as to what is best. ^^ 
 
 Art is another very extensive field for the display of your 
 ability to shine. If you have the power itself it gives you 
 
36 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 more authority to speak, for you are thereby enabled to form 
 juster opinions that can stand criticism. 
 
 But whatever ran^^e of studies you enter upon for the pro* 
 per fitting out of your mind, a4roid furnishing it with auoh 
 articles as, however useful in tneir own proper sphere, are 
 quite out of place as items of furniture in your mind. By way of 
 warning, let us show you a pedant with all his quaint niok- 
 nackery of mental furniture. 
 
 IK' 
 
 1 1 
 
 PEDANTRY. 
 
 A pedant is generally a puzzle of a man — his knowledge 
 and his ignorance are both in extremes. He knows a huge 
 mass of what nobody else cares to know, and do^s not care 
 to know a huge mass of what every body else would feel 
 ashamed to be ignorant. He knows a good deal more about 
 the Greeks and Romans than about the people he is living 
 among. He may not be able to find his way to the next 
 street, yet he is intimately acquainted with the buildings of 
 ancient Rome, and the several quartera of ancient Jerusa- 
 lem. He knows exactly the dimensions of the Forum 
 Boarium, but would feel insulted by a question about those 
 of our own bazaar. He would profess extreme indignation 
 and contempt if asked to handle a cricket bat or an oar, bat 
 he will discourse learnedly on the Trochus or the Trireme. 
 He is not able to distinguish a quadrille from a polka, but 
 he can detail all the evolutions of the Pyjrhio dance. He 
 has written a dissertation on the Lydian and Dorian Moods, 
 but he can't see an ' great difference between a Highland 
 pibroch and an oratorio of Handel or Beethoven. He is 
 equally ignorant of sculpture and painting. He talks indeed 
 about Phidias and Praxiteles, because he finds them men- 
 tioned in hi^ classic authors; but he puts no value on 
 Thorwaldsen or Turner ; and even when you place him be- 
 fore the Elgin Marbles, he feels interested in them only in 
 so far as they settle the meaning of some disputed passage. 
 His physician has impressed on him the necessity of exer- 
 cise, but 'tis almost a matter of course he doesn't know how 
 to take a walk. He sees no beauty in the face of Nature — 
 or if iliere comes across h'S'mind a recollection of a time 
 when he did delight to look upon it, this natural feeling 
 soon evaporates in a musty quotation. Parallel passages in 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 17 
 
 Greek and Latin he can cite without limit — and there arc 
 few wordH whose quantity he has not aorae line of poetry 
 ready to determine. But worth of Hontiment and felicity c f 
 expression are lost on him. Though lie prates about tho 
 sublimity of ^schylus, and the ph loHophy of Eurip des, lio 
 is not terrified by Macbeth, does not npeculate with Hamlet. 
 His pride comes to back his ignorauj e, and he regards ts 
 vulgar and mechanical all that he does not know, and over v- 
 thing that he cannot do. He looks with affected contera^t 
 on fishing and shooting, fencing and dancing, — he doeHii't 
 swim — he doesn't play cards, chess, or bagatelle — he wnit 
 once to the theatre to see Antigone — but he has an infinite 
 horror of all kinds of amusements. 
 
 We have known only one of this class who had in hs com- 
 position a tine vein of natural humor ; but ho is sometimes 
 not without pretension to wit. He even makes puns ; but 
 the analogies he discovers have always one term at least in 
 the dread unknown of school cram. He suggests the pro- 
 priety of naming streets after the five Predicttbles — assign- 
 ing one to people of substance — another to people of quality, 
 etc., and argues against the illogical procedure of landlords 
 who insist upon their tenants coming to a conclusion on the 
 subject of rent before they have granted them the premises. 
 Should you happen to hear him discoursing on some favor- 
 ite theme, you might think his intellectual activity unbound- 
 ed ; yet in this point he is the most slothful man alive ; he 
 thinks none, he merely remembers. Beading is to him just 
 an intemperate habit, like dram-drinking ; he has accustom- , 
 ed himself to a stimulus which his enfeebled mind (an no 
 longer want. He has become so much habituated to the 
 authority of books, that he has forgot that judgment has 
 any authority. Although he has a prodigious Hcqniintanco 
 with other people's ideas — of all people in the world he has 
 fewest of his own. He looks at everything as reflected in 
 other men's minds^ — the broad daylight streaming from tlie 
 thing itself blinds him. Books are called spectacles through 
 which we look at the world— to him books are blue spec- 
 tacles that keep the strong light from his weak eyes, and 
 tint everything with their own hue. He thinks with his 
 books as a cripple walks with his crutches, and he is always 
 behind when the angel comes down to stir the waters. 
 Thoughts that live and work in the heart of ages acquije 
 value to him only when he gets them served up u printer s 
 
38 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 £S*5 
 
 ink and parchment, as dilettanti care little for Pharaoh^s 
 daughter, who walked with her maidens on the banks of 
 the Nile, but put gr«at value on her when salted and swad- 
 dled, and boxed in a mummy case. He is a ^ ery child in 
 the ways of the world. He doesn't take any iniarest in his 
 next door neighbor, though he may have known him since 
 he was a child — he takes far more interest in the genealo- 
 gies of the CaBsars or the Scipios. He can't appreciate 
 honest manliness in any but Aristides or Gato. He can 
 pronoi*. ace an oration on the character of Pericles, or Pom- 
 pey, but cannot tell whether his most intimate friend is a 
 knave or a numskull. He never reads the debates in Par- 
 liament — but sometimes looks at the column of varieties. 
 He reads some novels — Valerius and the Fawn of Sertorius 
 — and expresses his regret that Shakespeare's Boman plays 
 have so little of the Boman spirit. When he goes to church 
 he uses the Greek Testament and the Septuagint — and not 
 unfrequently laments that our vernacular has failed in ex- 
 pressing the force of this tense or that particle. During 
 sermon he employs himself in reconciling Griesbach and 
 Tischendorf , or keeps a sharp lookout for slips in the minis- 
 ter's grammar, or fallacies in his argument. 
 
 A one-sided being stamped with any portion of the pre- 
 ceding feature is certain of proving a bore in any inteUigent 
 society. He can be endured only by being made a but for 
 pleasantries and ridicule. Indeed, we ourselves in describ- 
 ing our ideal of a learned pedant have not been able to 
 restrain our pen from caricature. 
 
 But pedantry is not confined to learning alone. There is 
 pedantry wherever there is persevering '^ monotalk " on any 
 subject, simply because we know it particularly well, to the 
 evident '* boring " of the company. Such is the case of a 
 merchant talking '* shop," or a clergyman talking ** church." 
 Bemember, however, that it is not the talking well and 
 thoroughly on a subject that constitutes pedantry. It is the 
 keeping of it up when others desire to let it drop, or the 
 introduction of an outre subject in which the others have no 
 common interest. 
 
 Some have a habit of preaching their opinions in conver- 
 sation This is very disagreeable and unwise. Your 
 opinions, if you wish them expresse 1 most effectively, will 
 have a much better chance of being entertained if they are 
 suggested modestly. Some learned men, proud of their 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 39 
 
 knowledge, speak only to decide, and to let you know pretty 
 plainly by their imperious manner that their decision is not 
 to be appealed from. Even though they should speak noth- 
 ing but the truth, men are at once inclined to dissent, and 
 even to serve them with a return in kind. The more you 
 know, the more modest should you be, if your knowledge 
 has done you the good it was intended. Kemember Sir 
 Isaac Newton, who compared himself with all his learning 
 to a child gathering pebbles on the sea shore ; so little did 
 he think of what even he had gathered on this shore of 
 time. Even where you are sure, do not press it dogmati- 
 cally ; represesent but do not pronounce ; and if you would 
 convince others be open to conviction yourself. 
 
 Our modern education is becoming less and less pedantic. 
 The ancients are not worshipped with the reverence they 
 once were, ^* We are the ancients,^' is the common-sense 
 cry now, for we are older in knowledge and art than they. 
 Formerly, when Latin and Greek were the only humanities 
 studied at school and college, the ancients were talked of as 
 something m^re than men, and the modems as something 
 less. Speak c the modems without contempt, and of the 
 ancients without idolatry. Judge them all by their merits, 
 whether old or new, and never stoop to the authority of any 
 writer if your considerate judgment tells you that he is not 
 to be trusted. 
 
 Some great scholars almost absurdly draw empiric maxims, 
 both for public and private life, from what they call paral- 
 lel cases in the ancient authors, without considering that in 
 the first place, there never were two cases exactly parallel ; 
 and in the next place, there never was a case known — much 
 less stated — with all its circumstances and conditions, by 
 any historian. Wise saws and instances, ancient or modem, 
 have undoubtedly great authority, but should be regarded 
 rather as enforcements than proofs. Beason upon the case 
 itself, taking into due consideration the circumstances and 
 conditions. Look upon analogies as helps only, not asguldes. 
 
 SOCIAL CHABACTERS. : - 
 
 The characters that infest the social circle are as varied as 
 the faces that denote them. There is the silent man, who, 
 where all are talking, seldom ventures to open hio mouth. 
 The reason is various. It may be through diffidence of h.s 
 
40 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 ! I I 
 
 '1 !• 
 
 I ' 
 
 % 
 
 !; 
 
 ability or dread of impropriety, or because no one has taken 
 the trouble to tap him and make him run. Then there is 
 the noisy man who seems to love so much the sound of his 
 own voice that it predominates everywhere. He boils and 
 fizzles eternally, and may boil over, but never evaporates. 
 His steam is inexhaustible. He talks for talking's sake. 
 To silence him you agree with him, but he is not silenced. 
 Sooner than that he will turn round and eat up his own 
 arguments to prolong the discussion. He is always in the 
 right. You have no refuge but 
 
 *' To twirl your thumbs, fall back into your chair, 
 Fix on the wainscot a distressful stare, 
 And, when you hope his blunders are all out, 
 Keply discreetly— to be sure—no doubt I " 
 
 There is the doubtful man who knows nothing positively. 
 You can't catch him tripping in a hurry. • He hedges himself 
 round with humbly hoping, and possibly presuming. He 
 remembers if he does not forget, and thinks he saw, but 
 would not swear he did. 
 
 '~ ■ r , . . 
 
 1 . - 
 
 ** His evidence, if he were called by law 
 »■ To swear to some enormity he saw, 
 For want of prominence and just relief, 
 Would hang an honest man and save a thief." 
 
 There is the positive man on the other hand, who pro- 
 nounces judgment without the least heibitation. Ordinary 
 mortals base their opinions upon proof, but he requires 
 none. 
 
 \% 
 
 " Without the means of knowing right from wrong, 
 He always is decisive, clear and strong." 
 
 He wonders you can't see the thing in the same light with 
 him, and sets you down for a very stupid fellow in conse- 
 quence. He 
 
 " Flings at your head conviction in the lump, 
 And gains remote conclusions at a jump. 
 
 There are the disputatious men who dispute about every 
 thing, and quarrel with everybody. They consider conver- 
 sation a sparring match, and planting hits the great end of 
 it. They become terribly excited when opposition warms 
 them 'iito thorough exercise, and stop at nothing to make 
 
 ">\«w«Mll 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 41 
 
 themselves and their arguments triurapliant. The best 
 method of stopping their play is to give tiiem nobody to 
 fence with, and if they assanlt any one let them be pro- 
 claimed victorious before the light begins. 
 
 There is the hypQcondraic maletudinarian who is always 
 talking of his ailings. He always breathes an atrabilarious 
 atmosphere of colds and coughs and indigestions, and blue 
 pill recoveries. He entertains you as if you were his nurse 
 or his doctor, with a long catalogue of billions experiences, 
 until you begin to think they are contagious disorders, and 
 feel all wrong as well as he. You find yourself pulling a 
 long face, while those around you broaden with healthy 
 grins. You feel as in a wet blanket and damp night-cap. 
 You are miserable and can't stand it longer. You break in 
 pieces the cenotaph of vapors he has been erecting around 
 you by a sudden burst of recovered cheerfulness, slap him 
 on the shoulder with a *' begone dull care," and warm your- 
 self again with the sunny eyes and merry countenances that 
 are beaming all around you. You were caught once ; you never 
 shall be again. You kifbw the maletudinarianu by the 
 shadows they cast around them. - 
 
 There is tiio fretful man who seems to find pleasure only 
 in being displeased. Nothing is said or done to his mind. 
 The room irf tdthor too hot or too cold. His stomach seems 
 out of order ; his brain is out of order ; and of course his 
 heart and hib tongue follow suit. He is restless and impia- 
 tient, talking at random, and ever by fits and starts. He is 
 on good terms with nobody, not even with himself. He says 
 a thousand extravagant things, and these in an ill-natured 
 tone of voice. He cares not who takes offence at his i^^- 
 natured remarks, and is rather gratified than otherwise if 
 you complain or resent. He is unhappy himself, and, so 
 far as he can, makes others unhappy also. 
 
 Such characters as the foregoing are a few of ma'ny hind- 
 rances to the natural current of genial conversation which 
 
 ' " Should flow like water after summer showers," 
 
 filling our minds with freshening streams of thought and 
 our hearts with the babble of gladness. 
 
43 
 
 
 Ho^v to Shine in Society* 
 THE LADIES. 
 
 Youiif^ men are proverbially fond of "making a figuire" 
 when they enter polite society ; especially when fair eyes 
 are bent upon them, and their hearts are still disengaged, 
 there is a romantic charm that fascinates them with an 
 intense desire to please. How circumspect they are! ever 
 dreading to commit some incongruous action for which they 
 may be laughed at. Qallantry, indeed, is the great play of 
 every social gathering. " Place aux dames " supersedes every 
 other consideration. 
 
 Few love to hear ill of themselves. Ladies espeoially 
 dislike it. We do not mean to say that you must 
 consider them faultless, but the more you respect 
 and admire them, the purer and pleasanter will be 
 your intercourse with them. It is the custont now- 
 a-days to sneer at Platonic attachments, but it is one great 
 teature of our Christian religion that such relations may and 
 ought to exist. The society of ladies is indispensable to the 
 young man who is desirous of po^shing his manner to any 
 degree of refinement. Woman is inseparable from every 
 advance we make in life. When the child is clasped to the 
 mother's bosom, the first impressions of intelligence are con- 
 veyed in love from her eyes. Soon that tender love stirs up 
 emotions in its little heart. Anon her gentle will guides 
 with discretion its thoughtleas wishes. The same relation 
 holds good in after life. It is matter of notoriety \hat great 
 men generally have had noble mothers. It has been said, 
 too, with much truth, that all great men have had much of 
 woman's nature in their composition. Woman moulds us 
 more than we are willing to allow, and history attests the 
 fact that she has seriously affected even the fates of em- 
 pires. 
 
 Young men then need not be ashamed to court the society 
 of the ladies as a positive item of their training. Some 
 frequent their compuny to trifle and amuse themselves. 
 Sucii congregatmg is beneath the dignity of being styled 
 society. 
 
 flow TO DRESS. ^ 
 
 •♦The beauty of dress," says Dr. Gregory, "consists im 
 not being couhi^icuous.' Qiuet dressing is ever the best. 
 Dressiuetib i» w Jut detraction will lay hold of at once, for it 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 43 
 
 I fignte" 
 fair eyes 
 (engaged, 
 with an 
 ire! ever 
 tiich they 
 it play of 
 des every 
 
 mpeoially 
 ou must 
 respect 
 will be 
 )m now- 
 one great 
 \ may and 
 t>le to the 
 >r to any 
 )m every 
 ed to the 
 e are con- 
 3 stirs up 
 U guides 
 relation 
 at great 
 en said, 
 much of 
 ulds us 
 ists the 
 of em- 
 
 |e society 
 Some 
 
 iselves. 
 styled 
 
 ^sists im 
 le best. 
 >, for it 
 
 proclaims itself and invites censure. The art of dressing is 
 just the art of draping the human form so as to exhibit it 
 to the best advantage. We do not mean the mere draping 
 of a statue, for there is action in the human form which the 
 statue wants. The beautiful outlines of the human figure 
 form the ground work of the ** cut," as it is expressively 
 termed, of our clothes. Those outlines should neither be 
 concealed nor distorted. Fashion, it is true, is not always 
 synonymous with good taste in this respect, and modifies 
 somewhat the manner in which we ought to dress. 
 
 The body iS more dressed than the mind, we fear, in average 
 society, and this may be because it is sooner dressed. But 
 this should not be, and will not be ere long. The atmos- 
 phere of society is becoming less showy and more '* spiritu- 
 eUe." The flow of softl is taking the plaoe oL mere tcdk. 
 
 ■ DANCING. ■...■•:. -.'. . N- 
 
 It is not so eaey now as of old to danoe younelf into the 
 good graces of a company. Long ago people did actually 
 ** trip it on tiie light fantastic toe,'* and were admired for it, 
 but not so now. All that is required of you is to keep time, 
 and keep the figure. If you obey the impulse of the music 
 and really dance, you are set down as a skip- jack or a danc- 
 ing master. No mistake but this is eminently absurd, but 
 so it is, and fashion is peremptory. If pituiists were to play, 
 as danctrs dance, without any accent or art.culation or 
 variety, what a sorry thing it would be altogether. Let us 
 hope that as fashion has changed it, fashion may change 
 again into the good old method of bounding merrily to the 
 musical impulse of the soul. 
 
 There is little opportunity for conversation during dano- 
 ing. It is all suggested by the requirements of the dance, 
 and kept subordinate to it, for your attention should be 
 given entirely to what you are engaged in for the present. 
 There are many Uttle attentions and civilities, however, 
 presenting themselves, in which you may shine to advantage 
 if you lay hold of the opportunity. Presence of mind 
 and a desire to please will carry yen suocessf«lly through 
 them all. 
 
 The only perfume you should allow yourself to be redol- 
 ent of in company, is the freshness of health and cleanhness. 
 Fragrant scente are generally suspected ag» employed tA kill 
 
44 
 
 How to Shine in Society. 
 
 more questionable ones. Peppermint on the breath barely 
 disguises the alcoholic potation, and enu de Colotrne will 
 never atone for a dirty shirt collar. Other things beinj; 
 equal, a little p«^ume is rather acceptable than (otherwise, 
 >^"t beware of smelling rank, — it is vulgar ai3 well as dif. 
 agrjcable. 
 
 *' I cannot talk with civet in the room, 
 A fine puss gentleman that's all perfume ; 
 His odoriferous attempts to please 
 Perhaps might prosper with a swainn of bees," 
 
 »!i< 
 
 or the giddy flies that buzz about society, and are caup"* 
 wit)) every sense but that, which, though called common, . 
 the u^oit unccmmon of all. . . r , , . 
 
 SI 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF CONVEBSATION. ' 
 
 It may be useful to sum up a few of the most useful rules 
 for conversation, that they may be the more renidilv borne 
 m mmd. . ? 
 
 In general, people who have not been introduced are no*; 
 supposed to be on conversing terms. In travelling more 
 freedom is allowed, but even then the conversation is very 
 general unless speci il circumstances warrant otherwise. 
 
 Who should begin a conversation it is not eaiy to say. 
 Where there is a doubt as to who should begin, let it be the 
 person of greatest importance in the company. But if it be 
 done modestly, any one may begin. 
 
 But it is not so difficult to begin a conversation as it is to 
 carry it on successfully. Wit is by no means a sure card. 
 Few can play it well, and still fewer maintain the play. Nor 
 will learning supply you with the material of the right sort 
 altogether. That must pass through the alembic of your 
 mind, and give forth its fine precipitate of thought, and this 
 brings us to the stuff of the proper kind for conversa- 
 tional purposes, for conversation is but the interchange of 
 thought. Learning is dead inert matter that begets noth< 
 ing, but thought is living spirit and begets thought. It is 
 thought that makes words winged, and the hours too. 
 Look the person in th^ face with whom you are conversing. 
 Never talk past him — it gives ^ ou an air of insincerity. Let 
 your n^anner be conMeut without being bold, easy without 
 being familiar. ^ , . 
 
 M 
 
 'Uu.: 
 
Hew to Shim tn Society, 
 
 45 
 
 iftth barelv 
 
 }lo(rne will 
 iugs bein^ 
 (>therwi8c. 
 ell as difi' 
 
 -• >!-ii 
 
 n 
 
 are caop 
 lommon, , 
 
 3N. *' *■' 
 
 sefal rules 
 idilv borne 
 
 Bd are no*; 
 
 [ling more 
 n is very 
 
 rwise. 
 
 my to say. 
 it be the 
 ut if it b( 
 
 as it is to 
 mre card. 
 )lay. Nor 
 [right sort 
 \c of your 
 and this 
 
 Jonversa- 
 knge of 
 3ts noth- 
 It. It is 
 >urs too. 
 tversing. 
 fty. Let 
 withoi:t 
 
 Talk neither too slowly nor too quickly, but with a lively 
 degree of raciness. Animation is indispensable to success- 
 ful conversation. Let the tones of your voice be as musical 
 as possible, steerini? equally clear of *' clipping " the words 
 of their due amount of sound, or of mouthing them with too 
 much. 
 
 In general, society never alludes to private matters. Talk 
 with the company on subjects of general interest. With 
 learned men you may talk of learned subjects, but never in- 
 flict your superior knowledge on people of more slender pre- 
 tensions. It would be like a rich man displaying his gold 
 against poorer men's copper. 
 
 Never interrupt a speaker in what he is saying. If you 
 step before him so unceremoniously, it is courteous of liim, 
 indeed, if he doesjnot take the tempting opportunity of using 
 his foot to take you out of his way. 
 
 Never crush any subject of conversation and substitute 
 one of your own in its stead. If you wish it changed, wait 
 till it is exhausted, or lead it in the direction of your own. 
 
 Never converse with a preoccupied mind. Throw your 
 whole mind into it, else you are sure to make the conversa- 
 tion hang and drag its " weary length along." 
 
 If unable or not disposed to talk on a subject you can 
 listen. 
 
 I»RUDENCE IN CONVERSATION. 
 
 There is not a more necessary quality in conversfition than 
 prudence. Consider well what you are going to say before 
 you say it. Conpider how it will affect yourself, your hear- 
 ers, or any other person present or absent. By cultivating 
 the habit, a flash of your mind over it in review will decide 
 the matter for you at once, so that it need not check the 
 genial and uninterrupted flow of soul. 
 
 The great vice of conversation is detraction. Its piquancy 
 is a sad temptation, and all are guilty of ib more or less. 
 But it puts you in the light of an envious person, though 
 there may not be a particle of envy present in the matter so 
 far as you are concerned. The presence of envy, real or 
 attributed, will not help you to shine. ♦ Speak of the absent 
 as you would if they were present and heard you. Do not 
 say behind a man's back what you would not dare to say to 
 his face. Besides the possible disgrace of having to ** eat 
 
46 
 
 Itow to Shine in Society, 
 
 n 
 
 1 
 
 
 yoDr own words," it is most unmanly. You can nover be 
 wrong in taking a good-natured « lew of the characters of 
 others. It does you no harm ; possibly it may do you good. 
 What you say is not so much at the mercy of the company 
 to retail. Good-natured remarks, unless maliciously per- 
 verted, will stand the saying over again without harm ; but 
 ill-natured are sure to become harsher in the carrying. Evil 
 speaking is a most unmanly, un-Christian habit, and should 
 be encouraged neither in ourselves nor in others. If a per- 
 son speak evil of others to you, be pretty sure that in another 
 company he will speak evil of you. Beware of it not only 
 in yourself, but in otiiers also. 
 
 If you are wise you will avoid the giving expression to 
 opinions that may be singular to the company you find your- 
 self in — above all, opinions in religion. Company is n ot a 
 place for disputation, and every one is as fond of his opin- 
 ions as you are of yours, and is disposed to uphold them 
 when questioned by the statement of an opposite. You can 
 only startle and displease at the best, should no opposition 
 be shown from inability or good taste. If an argument be 
 started and you lose it, you feel that you have not shone to- 
 advantage ; and if you win it, you have surely lost the kind- 
 ly feeling of those opposed to you. 
 
 Always be modest in the expression of your sentiments. 
 Do not dogmatically assert, even when you are certain. All 
 appearance of force is sure to be resisted. Be content with 
 the happiness of believing that you are in the right. If your 
 opinions are worth anything at all, they will not only be 
 self-sustaining, but self -comforting also. 
 
 Should an argument occur in which you cannot avoid 
 taking a part, remember that he seems to have the best of 
 it that keeps his temper. Feeling more than thought is 
 the tone of company. 
 
 Take care you do not touch upon the infirmities or pecu- 
 liarities of those present. It is difficult enough to convince 
 a man himself of such, but to expose him before the eyes of 
 assembled company is an offence he will never forgive, 
 whether you are right or wrong. Besides, he feels bound to 
 defend himself, and ends with being more confirmed than 
 ever in his eccentricity. 
 
 Some people are very fond of "speaking their minds,*^ which, 
 when not under proper restraint, is just another name for 
 being rude. Kemember that people are not bound to please. 
 
 
How to Shme in Society, 
 
 47 
 
 nover be 
 •acters of 
 you good, 
 company 
 usly per- 
 eirm ; but 
 ng. Evil 
 id should 
 If a per- 
 il another 
 not only 
 
 ression to 
 find your- 
 
 is n ot a 
 
 his opin- 
 lold them 
 
 You can 
 >ppoBition 
 ument be 
 t shone to- 
 
 the kind- 
 
 ntiments. 
 tain. All 
 tent with 
 If your 
 only be 
 
 lot avoid 
 le best of 
 ought is 
 
 B or pecu- 
 convince 
 
 le eyes of 
 forgive, 
 bound to 
 
 ned than 
 
 '^ which, 
 
 name for 
 
 to please 
 
 you, and the offence that makes you speak your ni?n^ may 
 be in yourself and not in them. This is the modest and 
 charitable aspect, and more in consonance with the disposi- 
 tion you ought to have when in company. If all spoke their 
 minds what a chaos of thought and sentiment would the 
 conversation be. No — we need the oil of charity and modesty 
 and prudent reserve to lubricate the machinery of our social 
 converse. If this were wanting it would be an uninterrupt- 
 ed jar and screech. 
 
 We must again warn you against the misdirection of your 
 wit, if you possess it. The safest plan is to make it general, 
 for when it flies at any particular person it may hit harder 
 than you intended, and blow for blow may, begun in harm- 
 less fun, end in serious earnesit. Nobody, including yourself , 
 likes to be laughed at. 
 
 Never hesitate to apologize when you have done a wrong. 
 The next best thing to the not having done it at all, is the 
 trying to undo it by tendering your sincere regret at having 
 done it. 
 
 Perfect ease in behavior and conversation is the temper 
 to arrive at, and that is wonderfully assisted in being gained 
 by attending more to the humor of the company than to 
 your own. As conversation is truly said to " flow," remem- 
 ber that yOu are only one particle of the fluid, and so move 
 pleasantly and freely with the others. If there be acid in 
 your composition it will tinge the whole with sourness, if 
 you do not hold it within yourself in secret solution Taint 
 not then with any egotistic humor '* the genial current of 
 the soul." Bather flow with the otherb. If you rise to the 
 surface of the general current, you may shine as you flow. 
 
 If there be any one worthy of imitation, imitate him in 
 his excellence, but not in his defects. None are perfect ; all 
 have defects and faults more or less. Be sure you discrim- 
 inate, else you run the risk of being simply an ape. You 
 ought not even to copy closely what he shines in. You 
 must imitate him judiciously, and in conformity with your 
 own manner. Just as, though you may imitate the cut of a 
 person's clothes which you may consider will become you, 
 yet you do not take his precise measurements, nor the ar- 
 rangements to meet his personal peculiarities. So though 
 you imitate^ yet you judiciously adapt, so as to say almost, 
 you originate the excellence for yourself. We must all imi- 
 tate something or somebody. Originality is the power to 
 
■u 
 
 i' :! 
 
 ! I 
 
 
 t.l 
 
 •'V ' 
 
 i *' 
 
 tfi. 
 
 48 
 
 /rt;7£' fo Shine in Society, 
 
 adapt and conform. There is no origination in the sense ol 
 creatinfJ from nothing. 
 
 Show neither a cringing nor an overhearing spirit. All 
 are upon a level in conversation. He who bears himself 
 over the heads of those whom he deems his inferiors is the 
 very man to cringe to those whom he deems his superiors. 
 Both are unmanly and impolitic. 
 
 Evenness of temper and serenity of manner are ever indi- 
 cative of the true gentleman. It is the mood of happiness, 
 and affords the utmost enjoyment. Steer equally clear of 
 excitement and indifference ; of froHc, fun, and gloomy 
 melancholy. The even tenor of life and converse is the 
 happiest and the most profitable. 
 
 There are many minor considerations that enter into pru- 
 dence in conversation, which may be enumerated with ad- 
 vantage. 
 
 Do not spend your power to the utmost. Use it so that 
 you may appear to have more than you spend. 
 
 Praise your friends, and leave it to your friends to praise 
 you. It never can come gracefully from yourself. 
 
 You need ifbt tell all the truth, but it is absolutely neces- 
 sarry that all you tell be true. Some, however, may have 
 a right to know all the truth. And again, if withholding 
 part of the truth discolor the rest, give it all or none at 
 all. 
 
 Despise not another for nor possessing talent which you 
 may happen to have. All have not the same talents. He 
 may have one you yourself do not own 
 
 If yon risk breaking jests upon others, you must be pre- 
 pared to have them showered upon yourself. 
 
 Do not talk too fast, else you outrun your hearer's under- 
 standing. Neither talk too slow, else you fret your hearers 
 into impatience and disgust. 
 
 Never let your praise degenerate into flattery; It would 
 only please a fool, and will vitiate your own manliness. 
 
 Be not too lavish of your time in company. Men are apt 
 to despise what they can have easily, and to put a value on 
 what is to be had with some difficulty. 
 
 Kemember how often you have changed your opinion and 
 do not be too dogmatic ; nor be angry with those who seem 
 to you to be dogmatically obstinate. 
 
 You may talk about things without confessing yourself 
 bound to certain opinions. You may profess safely being i% 
 
 ) 
 
 'm \ 
 
 4.,.^ 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 49 
 
 search of the truth, but confessing your opinion so frequent- 
 ly aa to identify yourself with them tends to nail you down 
 to their profession, and lessens your inclination to be open 
 to conviction. We mean of course the unnecessarily putting 
 of them forward, for there are certain times and occasions 
 when it would be unmanly and a want of duty to conceal 
 them. Your opinions, remember, are ever liable to be 
 shaken until you arrive at the absolute truth, which no man 
 can truly say he has attained for certain. 
 
 It has been well said that men repent speaking ten times 
 for once that they repent keeping silence. 
 
 When discussing do not argue for the subject, but let the 
 subject argue for itself. Put it thus — so much may be said 
 for it ; or thus— it commends itself to your notice. If it 
 cannot vindicate itself, you need not try to do it by mere 
 asseveration. 
 
 If you are desirous of gaining the good opinion of any one, 
 take care how you behave towards him the first time you 
 meet him. First impressions form the seed whence springs 
 his future opinion of you. 
 
 Ladies abhor anything that looks like discussion ; they are 
 the creatures of sentiment more than reason. They feel 
 what is true and proper in minor matters without the pain 
 or difficulty of thinking them out. 
 
 Let every one tell his own story his own way. It is rude 
 and unmannerly to interrupt him and begin to teach him a 
 better. This is ever the best mode with illiterate people, 
 for they are generally put out when trying any other method 
 than their own. ,, 
 
 Be more anxious to find in what you agree with your 
 company, than in what you differ. You may retain your 
 own individuality, and yet contrive fco chime in agreeably 
 enough with the others. Individuality assumes the appear- 
 ance of singularity when carried too far. 
 
 Should you find yourself in company which socially may 
 be considered above you, do not show your consciousness of 
 it otherwise than by a modest, dignified reserve. If you 
 are received into the conversation on equal terms, do not 
 tujke it as a remarkable condescension. If you are slighted 
 b^ any one, break off from his converse with you ; if you are 
 slighted generally by the company, retire. In both cases 
 the advantage rests with you. .... . *. .^ ^ :. 
 
 -y 
 
TT 
 
 50 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 USEFUL HINTS FOR CONVERSATION. 
 
 If you are familiar with your inferiorH, do not be Rurprisecl 
 if your inferiors are familiar with yon. Show reBpect to 
 your Buperiors. Never attempt familiarity with them, wliat- 
 ever familiarity they may exhibit towards you. 
 
 Unkindly witticism leaves bitterness behind it that will 
 poison the most genial intercourse. 
 
 Learning paraded without judgment and prudence will 
 make you shine as a solemn pedantic fool. 
 
 If you are compelled to reprove, do it kindly, so as to con- 
 vey the least possible offence. 
 
 Never volunteer your advice, and even when it is asked 
 give it carefully and cautiously. It is easier to give advice 
 than to follow it, with a prospect of success. He who gives 
 it generally knows not all the special conditions of the case. 
 
 Do not hazard crude conjectures regarding results. Things 
 seldom turn out as they are expected. Wise men know this 
 and hold their pease. 
 
 Never talk of things in which the company have no inter- 
 est. They may force attention, but it is sadly at your 
 expense in their estimate of you. 
 
 Never trumpet forth your own merit by recounting actions 
 in which you may have gained some credit. It will detract from 
 your desert and from your character as a disinterested and 
 well meaning person. 
 
 Do not " pronounce " your sentiments before company. 
 It will make you appear arrogant and self -conceited. 
 
 Despise no man's conversation. The meanest may teach 
 you something if you know what is intrinsically good, and 
 if you can approve and appraise it for yourself. 
 
 Speak your sentiments in as few words as possible. Te- 
 dious conversation is about the most unbearable that can 
 be inflicted on a company. The current of talk ought to be 
 brisk and not sluggish. 
 
 If any person attempts to (what is vulgarly but very ex- 
 pressively termed) " pump " you with impertinent queetions, 
 you may politely foil him by counter questions as answers ; 
 you may also adroitly turn the current in another direction. 
 Some think themselves justified in mystifying such a ques- 
 tioner with overwhelming exaggeration, but this, though 
 the person deserves it for his impeiciuence, is hardly con- 
 
 '•I' ._; ' ' 
 
How to Shitie in Society. 
 
 51 
 
 will 
 will 
 
 )aTiy. 
 
 beach 
 and 
 
 Te- 
 
 can 
 bo be 
 
 ex- 
 tions, 
 lers ; 
 Ition. 
 lues- 
 )ugh 
 Icon- 
 
 \ 
 
 Bistent with your own dignity. Never tliink you aro juHti- 
 tied in meeting his queBtions with a lie. Tluit would be 
 most unmanly. 
 
 If people rail at you, never show that you are r'ding, you 
 thereby help the railers against yourself. A good method 
 of disanning them is to seem to join them against yourself, 
 carrying the railleiy into the absurd and the ridiculous. 
 
 Never set up for a critic. It is simply electing yourself 
 into bring a bully of opinion. Those who are weak will 
 fear and hate you ; those who are strong vvill resist and de- 
 spise you. 
 
 Remember that few are capable of judging of talents or 
 genius, but all feel the difference between good and bad 
 behavior. 
 
 You may think as wisely as you can, but don't talk wis- 
 dom like an oracle. Tiiere is a great difference between 
 talking wisely and well, and the moral exhibition of j^our- 
 self as a retailer of oracular nostrums. 
 
 Do not talk too much, nor yet be dumb. An empty bar- 
 rel gives forth most sound ; but the fullest one is of no use 
 unless it is tapped and runs. 
 
 Do not form your opinion of othern from isolated facta. 
 A man may misbehave once and again, and yet be in the main 
 a well behaved person. Remember how often you have 
 forfeited your own esteem, and let your charity cover a mul- 
 titude of sins in behavior, as in other things. 
 
 If you fall into an argument, the only safe way to find 
 your road out of it is by endeavoring to come at the truth, 
 not by attempting to defeat your opponent. 
 
 He who is modest and retiring, and waits judiciously for 
 an opportunity to shine, has a less chance of failure than 
 he who is eager to avail himself of every opportunity, cal- 
 culating a greater cliance the of tener he makes the cast. 
 
 If you happen to find yourself on the wrong side of an 
 argument, turn away from it without coming to a conclu- 
 sion, or say handsomely that you consider yourself wrong. 
 You may often do this witl o it compromising your judg- 
 ment, as in the case of new fa;ts being presented, or of facts 
 having been falsely re^rjsented to you, and now seen in 
 their true Ifght. But never persevere obstinately and light 
 for your subject as true when you have reason to lolieve It 
 wrong. 
 
 ' "» 
 
 .•^ 
 
ff 
 
 m 
 
 r.\ 
 
 m 
 
 In 
 
 'I 
 
 52 
 
 m 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 Do not introduce the name of God and the devil in a glib, 
 flippant manner. Do not misapply Scripture allusionb as 
 in jcKtH ; and avoid the use of ail cant terms, bj'-wordH, ard 
 oath -words. These last are foolishly supposed to strengthen 
 speech. They are simply disgusting and contemptible. 
 
 Sf'iid people from your company well pleased with them- 
 selvj's and they will be well pleased with you. 
 
 'J^ry and get rid of any little oddities you mav have in 
 your behavior, but do not despise another though he may 
 have some. We see those of others more readily than we 
 see our own. 
 
 Avoid the conduct of those persons who, no matter how 
 serif "IS the conversation, are ever striving to dart in some 
 fool 1 sli (jU irk or drollery. A jest to be relished should be 
 thrown in naturally. 
 
 Do .ot provoke an^ man. Weapons that cut do not tend 
 to make you shine. j3e not easily provoked. The calmer 
 you keep yourselt the greater advantage you have over your 
 opponent. 
 
 Be prudent in the kind of company you keep. •Jy such 
 will yon be judged, and rightly so, for the constant contact 
 will polish you to the level of their lustre. 
 
 GOOD TASTE. 
 
 Thus far the latter part of our method has been to give a 
 detail of persona? quality and manner, in a series of miscel- 
 laneously arranged topics ; but these will not form the power 
 that is necessary to produce them. That power is the 
 working of a principle, and this principle is to be found in 
 the self raoving power of the mind to guide itself along the 
 road of lite, in obedience to the laws made by its Maker. 
 We do noL want you to be made up of patchwork, or of 
 clockwork, or of anything artificial — we wish you to be the 
 power in your mind that acts in your manner as the law of 
 true politeness demands. All that you are in your mind 
 passes olf into the .vorld through your acts, the manner of 
 which is found to have as much positive infliienee as the 
 matter — from which, however, it derives originally all its 
 force. Look at the dilference between an elegant and 
 powerful, niul a blundering, impotent speaker. The former 
 can polish falsehood int- a seeming truth, whilst the latter 
 bedims and bedarkeus the clearest axioms until they become 
 
 s 
 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 53 
 
 as opaqne as a mill-stone. In fact, we would wish yon to 
 be what you would seem to be, and then you will have little 
 trouble and much pleasure in seeming to be. It is not only 
 the true thing but the most effective and the most pleasant 
 thing. We take you to be young, and amb^ous of sho\^%Mg 
 that you are worth something. You are desirous not only 
 of a standing in society, but ambitious of influencing that 
 society in a manner creditable and pleasant to yourself ; 
 but would scorn to stoop to unworthy means to attain your 
 end. In all probability, then, you have received a good 
 average education, that will form a good ground-work for 
 your endeavor. As thinking, with its processes and its 
 modes, though in itself ihe process of education so far as 
 the mind is concerned, is seldom or never taken into account 
 at school, except in so far as it cannot be done without, 
 even to have done what is done, you will have to begin, if 
 you have not done so before, to study this the great instru- 
 ment of life in all its adaptations. The best thinkers are 
 the best workmen of Hfe. These are the men who carve 
 time into money — not the best use of it, however, but a use 
 very potent with some. This, however, has to do with the 
 morality of thought, and at present we have to do with the 
 power. In all probability the real solid power of your edu- 
 cation is now about to be formed and directed to legitimate 
 issues. Energy and perseverance are required, and a good 
 deal of self-denial. Set your face steadily against the small 
 pleasures of the world that entice the precious time from 
 you bit by bit. Set about your endeavor with the conscious- 
 ness of an unavoidable responsibility. The business of hfe 
 now in all likelihood claims the greater part of your time. 
 Thip is the time you are compelled by your necessities to 
 convert into money ; but you may at the same time convert 
 it in something more — something that will last when your 
 m.oney is gone. Contact with the world in transacting your 
 business will sharpen your powers and polish your manner, 
 if you submit yourself to the process with proper aims and 
 discriminating judgment. There is a worry in business, 
 however, which merely grinds without polishing, which 
 ought to be avoided if possible. Otherwise the cheerful 
 intercourse of business should fit a man more and more to 
 " shine " substantially and decidedly. If truth be > our 
 ideal, as it ought to be, the veracity of your conversation 
 fknd the houesty of your dealings will win yori respect and 
 
54 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 attention ; but in addition it is necessary that you cultivate 
 elegance of taste in order to win you favor. 
 
 This elegance of taste, or the appreciation of what is 
 beautiful in matter or manner, is the pohshing principle 
 that will enable you to shine truly- You may be a diamond 
 of the lii-st water, yet if you do not cut and polish and set 
 yourself witl I tbis {esthetic instrument, you may coruscate, 
 scintillate, or flash forth light at any rate, but it will be fit- 
 ful, tempcu'iiry and unsustjjiined, and ever out of keeping and 
 proportion witli itself. Now what do you do with your 
 leisure hours ? Here is an opportunity to spend them 
 £)leasantly, profitably, and dutifully in the highest sense of 
 the term. 
 
 A love for the beautiful is natuial to man, so there is a 
 natural pleasure in the pursuit of it, and all cultivate an 
 acquaijitaiico with it more or less. Conversation glowing 
 witli it is sure to fascinate in proportion to the amount and 
 powej" of the quality. This indeed is the true beautifier of 
 all cojivej'sation. A memiory teeming with knowledge and 
 an intellect beaming with thought may arrest and impress 
 witl) respect, but it is the genial fancy that beautifies with 
 light, vvtirmth and color, which charms and captivates. 
 Now the best drill for attaining this power in conversation 
 is tlie culture of it. It takes a deal of practice to attain a 
 power, so do not be discouraged if the power does not come 
 so soon as desired. Besides, this one original power, if you 
 acquire it, will help to form originality in all other acquire- 
 ments you may have. Originality is the soul of all power. 
 Originality does not mean that you create a power yourself 
 unlike any other in creation. It means that you have form- 
 ed for yourself a power in nature, in conformity with the 
 laws of nature in and around you. You have thus a power 
 to produce for yourself, which, if you have it not, you will 
 be forced to derive, not in itself but in its effects, from others. 
 Try to attain original not derivative ornament, aiad so avoid the 
 imputation of the jack-daw in the peacock's feathers. This is 
 not the J)! ace to give an analysis of the process of drill. We 
 have space only to point out the great importance and the 
 influence of the power. It may not be out of place, how- 
 ever, to give a few hints as to the method by which it maj 
 be acquired. 
 
 This power is but the refinement of the other powers '•! 
 the mind, and will be weak or strong in proportion to them 
 
 
JIow to Shine in Society, 
 
 S^ 
 
 Tills is the power that makes the other powers shine, or 
 rather it is the power of thought and the sense of feeling 
 polished so that they phine. In the words of the old Greek 
 critic, " it is the image reflected from the inward beauty of 
 the soul." The mind you form by your education stamps 
 the character of your soul, and what your soul is, that only 
 can your manner be. Nor need you lament want of educa- 
 tion. If you can read, and set yourself seriously to think, 
 a world of teachers may be had for a very little money. 
 Remember that self-education is the only real education, 
 and at the best universities if the students do not educate 
 themselves they are not really educated. The best part of 
 tliose institutions is the routine and method and discipline 
 enforced. We do not desire, however, to depreciate those 
 conservatories of learning, we only wish "to impress you who 
 have not the means nor the opportunity, that you can do 
 very wll without them. There is a university for the 
 million in literature, and the " humanities " are now freed 
 from the Latin and Greek tongues. The best teachers will 
 instruct you, the best lecturers will read to you by your own 
 fireside, but you, on your part, must cultivate the power of 
 thinkin/^' and the habit of study. The living voice, to be 
 sure, is no longer there, to thrill with enthusiasm, and un- 
 doubtedly if you have the means and opportunity you should 
 get a living instructor whose soul will come into living con- 
 tact with your own. 
 
 In this wonderful world there are many fields of enquiry 
 open to you wherein you may gather for yourself materials 
 for exercising your powers of thou I'L't, but there is one in 
 which every one must adopt a sphere of labor, and wherein 
 he may gather ample materials for the purposes of thought, 
 and that is humanity. What we term pure literatue is the 
 record of it, and it is ever living round about us, and con- 
 tinually coming into contact with us. 
 
 Useful knowledge may now be gleaned under the most 
 favorable circumstances in consequence of the vast harvests 
 that are continually being gathered in. A cheap printing prftsa 
 - -cheap on account of the extent of the demand for its treas- 
 ures—sends the wisest and most learned teachers to instruct 
 the poorest respectable man. It rests with himself to make 
 his knowledge and wisdom not only useful but ornamental. 
 There is more true knowled,^e at the present day in our 
 shops anc'.^ounting-houses than there was of old in the most 
 
liif 
 
 56 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 mk 
 
 li 
 
 '" n 
 
 learned universities. Facts are infinitely more useful than 
 the subtlest distinctions of imputed qualities, labored disqui- 
 sitions on possible entities, and interminable logomachies. 
 Classic Latin and scholastic logic '* are nowhere," compared 
 with our own simple vernacular Englsh and common sense. 
 Make physical science or the knowledge of facts the whet- 
 stone of your mind, and polish it into refinement with 
 literature. Physics may be studied at any of our mechan- 
 ics' institutions for a fee merely nominal, so that none who 
 have any pretension at all to the improvement of their 
 minds labor under difficulties of means and opportunities 
 which they cannot surmount. The finest results have been 
 attained by the simplest means. 
 
 Nothing makes a greater difference between people en- 
 gaged in conversation than different degrees and methods of 
 knowledge. An ignorant person, if he knows his own ignor- 
 ance, can at least begin to learn, and so be in the way of 
 improving, but often his greatest ignorance is that he does 
 not know his own ignorance, and this is a hopeless case 
 indeed. Of course, if a man, however learned, takes himself 
 to task about his own positive knowledge, he will find him- 
 self not so learned as he thought, and after such an ordeal he 
 is apt to say that he is really but an ignorant person at the best, 
 but still he knows something, however little that be ; an 1 
 that little is a great deal compared with the knowlfdge 
 of a person who has bestowed no attention at all upon the 
 subject. We should always hold ourselves capable of learn- 
 ing by cultivating the disposition to do so, and then we shall 
 feel astonished at our ability to understand the most diffi- 
 cult questions that moy come before us. 
 
 Wrong-headedne&.s is a worse state of mind than absolute 
 ignorance. It may almost be called a modified type of mad- 
 ness. A chaos of ideas must result in confusion of thought 
 and unwise action. This arises from slovenliness and want 
 of method in thinking. A person who allows himself to fall 
 into such a state, and to contract so idle and hurtful a habit, 
 can never meet with respect in the interchange of social 
 converse. This is what the poet Burns called " an in- kneed 
 sort of a soul. \ 
 
 The man of learning, whose knowledge has been arranged 
 by systematic method so that he can produce it at will when 
 required, produces a current of conversation that flowa 
 
 \\ 
 
Hnv to Shine in Society. 
 
 S7 
 
 clearly and pleasantly, especially when that ktiowkilge is 
 made to bear the precious burthen of wise and beautiful 
 thoughts. 
 
 Of course the end we aim at here— to be a tolerably well 
 informed gentleman so that one may occupy a not undii^ni- 
 fied position in the social circle — is not the only nor the 
 highest aim achieved, though the one more immed'.ately 
 sought for at present. The higher aim we have throughout 
 kept in view is one ne^er to be relinquished for a present 
 and merely transient good. 
 
 With regard to ndvice as to what should form specially 
 the subject of our studies, the following words of Thomas 
 Carlyle are much to the point. A young friend had writ- 
 ten to him for advice on the subject, and was answered 
 thus : — " It would give me true satisfaction could any advice 
 of mine contribute to forward you in jour honorable course 
 of self-improvement, but a long experience has taught me 
 that advice can profit but little ; that there is a good reason 
 why advice is so seldom followed ; this reason, namely, that 
 it is so seldom, and can almost never be rightly given. No 
 man knows the state of another ; it is always to some 
 more or less imaginary man that the wisest and most hon- 
 est adviser is speaking. 
 
 " As to the books which you — whom I know so little of — 
 should read, there is hardly anything definite that can be 
 said. For one thing, you may be strenuously advised to 
 keep reading. Any good book, any book that is wiser than 
 yourself, will teach you something — a great many things, 
 indirectly and directly if your mind be open to learn. This 
 old counsel of Johnson's is also good, and universally appli- 
 cable : ' Read the book that you do honestly feel a wish and 
 curiosity to read.' The very wish and curiosity indicate 
 that you, then and there, are the person likely to get good 
 of it. ' Our wishes are presentiments of our capabilities ;' 
 that is a noble saying, of deep encouragement to all true 
 men ; applicable to our wishes and efforts in regard to read- 
 ing, as to other things. Among all the objects that look 
 wonderful or beautiful to you, follow with fresh hope the 
 one that looks wonderf ullest, beautif ullest. You will gradu- 
 ally find, by various trials — which trials see that you make 
 honest, manful ones, not silly, short, fitful ones — what is 
 for you the wonderf ullest, beauti fullest, what is your true 
 element and province, and be able to profit by thai, 
 
5« 
 
 Hoiv to Shine in Society. 
 
 ' ^ 
 
 H ^ 
 
 ** All books a,vt properly the record of the history oi past 
 men, what thoughtB past men had in them, what act.oua 
 past men did; the summary of all books whatsoever lies 
 there. It is on this ground that the 61ass of books specifi. 
 cally named History, can be safely recommended as the 
 basis of all study of books — the preliminary to all right and 
 full understanding of anything we can expect to find in 
 books. Past history, and especially the past history of one's 
 native country, everybody may be advised to begin with 
 that. Let him study that faithfully ; innumerable inquiries 
 will branch out from ib. He has a broad beaten highway, 
 from which all the country is more or less visible ; there 
 travelling, let him choose where he will dwell. 
 
 " Neither let mistakes or wrong directions — of which 
 every man, in his studies and elsewhere, falls into many — 
 discourage you. There is precious instruction to be got by 
 finding that we are wrong. Let a man try faithfully, man- 
 tully to be right ; he will grow daily more and more right. 
 It is, at bottom, the condition on which all men have to 
 cultivate themselves. Our very walking is an incessant fall- 
 ing ; a falling and a catching of ourselves before we come 
 actually to the pavement ! It is emblematic of all things 
 a man does, 
 
 *' In conclusion, I will remind you that it is not by books 
 alone, or by books chiefly, that a man becomes in all points 
 a man. Study to do faithfully whatsoever thm-j, in your 
 actual situation, there and now, you find either expressly 
 or tacitly laid to your charge ; that is your post ; stand in it 
 like a true soldier. Silently devour the many chagrins of 
 it, as all human situat.ons have many ; and see you aim not 
 to quit it without doing all that it, at least, required of you. 
 A man perfects himself by work much more than by read- 
 ing. They are a growing kind of men that can wisely com- 
 bine the two things — wisely, valiantly, can do what is laid 
 to their hand in their present sphere, and prepare them- 
 selves withal for doing other wider things, if such lie before 
 them." 
 
 All this advice is sterling wisdom, and of infinite value 
 to the man who wishes to form the power we are desirous 
 he should form within himself. A man who moulds him- 
 self so, Will have force and energy of his own, which will 
 make itself felt in whatever sphere he may find himself. 
 But attend more specially in the meantime to that part of 
 
 \ 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 59 
 
 ifc 
 
 8 of 
 
 not 
 ou. 
 ad- 
 ■)in- 
 
 lue 
 11- 
 
 of 
 
 S 
 
 the advice in which he says : *' Among all the objects that 
 look wonderful or beautiful to you, follow with fresh hope, 
 the one that looks wonderfullest, beautifuUest." 
 
 " Walk with the beautiful and with the grand. 
 
 Let nothin'4 on the earth thy feet deter ; 
 Borrow may lead the moping by the hand, 
 
 But give not all thy bosom thoughts to her. 
 
 Walk with the beautiful. 
 
 " I hear thee say ' The beautiful ! What is it ?* 
 
 Oh, thou art darkly ignorant— be sure 
 'Tis no long weary road its form to visit, 
 
 ^or thou canst make it smile beside thy door, 
 
 Tlien love the beautiful. 
 
 " Thy bosom is its mint, the workmen are 
 Thy thoughts, and thsj* must coin for thee ; , 
 
 The beautiful is master of a star. 
 Thou mak'st it so, but art thyself decei^ang 
 
 If otherwise thy f tiith." 
 
 Yes ; the beautiful is coin that shining fresh from the 
 mint of your thoughts in conversation will dazzle and fasci- 
 nate the receivers, and will win favor and reputation for 
 the coiner and distributor. The culture of the beautiful in 
 thought and expression, is the finishing polish to all the 
 other solid acquirements and abilities of your mind and 
 manner. The beautiful is the irresistible and the invinci- 
 ble. We now proceed to give a fevv hints on the acquire- 
 ment of this valuable state of thought and feeling. 
 
 We do not mean that you are to get up the power of talk- 
 ing the beautiful so as to shine amidst your compeers, and 
 eclipse them by your beautiful talk. We mean you so to steep 
 your powers in an ever present consciousness of the beauti- 
 ful, so that it may pervade your entire being, and settle 
 down into the habitual exercise of a good and elegant 
 taste. 
 
 For this purpose it is not necessary that you enter into a 
 metaphysical study of the beautiful, wherein you may get 
 bewildered and lost in attempting to find nome ideal stand- 
 ard. Study it as you would the true and the good — study 
 it along with these, and your perception will not readily 
 fail to see it when it is present. 
 
 This faculty extends to such a variety of subjects that 
 there is hardly a phase of your conduct not affected by it. 
 Take the example of color. How much does a due appreci- 
 ^bionof fitness in harmony or contrast affect your personal 
 
6o 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 i 
 
 
 appearance in the matter of dress. By that alone will your 
 claim to elegant taste be judged by society. See what a 
 difference between the uncultured taste of the country 
 bumpkin, the fashionable taste of the city swell, and the 
 cultured refinement of the thorough gentleman. Again, in 
 the matter of sound, what a vast difference between the 
 ungoverned, because untrained, voice of the blustering talker, 
 and the obedient, pliant, mellow bell-tone of the elegant 
 speaker. The former rends the air with dissonance, and 
 our hearts with discord ; the latter with persuasive pathos 
 floats through our charmed ears into our assenting and con- 
 senting hearts. 
 
 With regard to beauty of form, we presume much need 
 not be said, as all are aware how powerful it is in its effects. 
 We have very little control over the form that nature has 
 given us except by modifying its appearance, but even that 
 is a good deal under our control; We do not appear in 
 society as nature has turned us out of her hands. We pass 
 through the hands of the barber, the tailor, the shoemaker, 
 the hatter, etc., and we pass a good deal through our own 
 hands daily. In all these modifications of nature there is 
 wide room for the exercise of an elegant taste, or the con- 
 trary. 
 
 As a matter of course all the several possible modifica- 
 tions of what is elegant and tasteful come under the common 
 terra of what is elegant in thought and in feeling. The 
 several manifestations of taste are but the expression of 
 these outwardly, and derive all their truth and beauty and 
 propriety of effect from the genuine power and quality of 
 tl.'ese as they exist and are developed in the mind. 
 
 The power and the habit are best obtained by the formal 
 pursuit of some art study, as the composition and expres- 
 sion of thought in prose or verse, the art of drawing or 
 painting, or some study which takes you into the habitual 
 presence of the beaufciful — in fact, any pursuit that makes 
 you think continuously regarding that wonderful beautiful 
 arrangement of things wliich made the old Greeks caJ the 
 world by the same term they had to express beauty. 
 
 There is oi. ; sphere of good taste more suited to those for 
 whom we are writing than any other, and that is the cul- 
 ture of good taste in thought and feeling through the habitual 
 culture of it in our li fce^ature, and even the literary culture of it 
 in written expression. '' Beading," says Eacou, " m^k§tU ^. 
 
 \ 
 
How to Shine in Society. 
 
 6i 
 
 for 
 fil- 
 ial 
 
 it 
 
 \ 
 
 fall man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact 
 man." By perusing the elegant in literature, the fine taste 
 will impregnate your tiioughts till you become full of it. 
 By talking the elegance over with your associates you will the 
 more readily make them subservient to your own refinement; 
 but only by bringing them to a strict scrutiny and account with 
 your own pen will you make their influence felt and their 
 nature and effects definite and exact. You have not at all 
 times friends willing and ready enough to talk matters over, 
 but whenever you please you may take up your pen or your 
 pencil, and bring yourself or your thoughts to book. Think- 
 ing or even talking a matter over is vapory in its results 
 compared with writing it over. And then writing compre- 
 hends all other particular modes, for it comprehends all that 
 is in thought. There is no pursuit that will react on your 
 conversation like vriting. Remember, however, it is not 
 writing for others but for yourself. There is a mawkish 
 sentimentality about writing which is most pernicious. No 
 sooner does one mention writing than there rises up the 
 absurd notion of *' turning author." As well link the idea 
 of '* turning spouter " with the art of speech. In these days 
 everybody should possess the art of writing as well as the 
 arts of reading and speaking, and of doing it well too. Ay 
 — and even the art of versifying should not be neglected with 
 snpercillious scorn and contempt as it is by cotton-hearted 
 money-makers, for as by learning to dance, we gain grace to 
 the motion as we walk, so by causing our words to move in 
 numbers, we gain elasticity and elegance to the rythm of 
 our prose. This reproducing of the elegant in our own 
 words tends to consolidate and establish our habit of think- 
 ing in good taste, and acting in good taste is only ©ne step 
 failihei-, and the former must be had before the latter can 
 be takeu. 
 
 Tiioaglit and behavior are so intimately related that you 
 can Imrdly cultivate elegance in the formeur without a cor- 
 resp >nding result in the latter. There is no reason for a 
 hypocrisy in this, and so the thought will naturally reveal 
 itself in the manner. Again, behavior can only sustain 
 itself consifjtently when it flows from an ever-springing fount 
 of thought. That fount derives its spring from the depths 
 of a large experience, on which have fallen the dews and 
 showers of many readings and studyings and thinkings. 
 Tennyson finely and truly says, 
 
62 
 
 How to Shim in Society, 
 
 ** Tor who can always act but he 
 To whom a thousand memories call?** 
 
 .•^ 
 
 UJ' 
 
 A man's memories shower upon him inducements that 
 compel him to act ; the remembered thoughts are the potent 
 ones, and the earnestly acted ones. 
 
 You see that conversation is not limited to talking merely 
 — it embraces your general conduct as well. The tongue 
 indeed has a wonderful empire of its own, but it merely 
 produces the echo of the thought, on which it depends for 
 its force and its beauty. But the behavior is the expression 
 of the man, and the impression made comes from the more 
 effective stamp of the entire earnest character. 
 
 To be able to surround yourself and others in the social 
 circle with delight and happiness is surely to have the power 
 of shining to advantage in a most legitimate and most de- 
 lightful way. But this will depend in a great measure on 
 the associates of your thoughts. Are you content to choose 
 these from those of common -place quality, or from those 
 which are ever found in the highest places — ^the palaces of 
 thought? 
 
 Observe then that the transmutation of your coarser 
 metal into finer, and the refinement of that into finer still, 
 is done within the laboratory of your brain, and here it is that 
 you must work out the process of knowing *' how to shine " 
 with a true and becoming lustre. You have, moreover, 
 every inducement to make yourself at home in this, happy 
 and contented, for it is about the pleasantcst occupation a 
 man can be engaged in, and deepens and broadens and 
 brightens, day after day spent upon it, our personat pleasure 
 and happiness. Real and imaginary pleasures are very often 
 confounded. In the testing laboratory of real thought, 
 what is supposed to be real pleasure often changes into a 
 solution of vanity with a pale precipitate of sorrow; and 
 what appears to be purely imaginary becomes a durable and 
 lasting — sometimes everlasting — solid. There is a misnamed 
 elegant taste in the world, which is a vitiated and corrupted 
 one. Al man may have what is really capable of yielding 
 a result, and yet not be able to make it yield it to him ; he 
 may not have the wiTsdom to extract or distil, though he 
 may have the material. Of course he must have the ma- 
 terial to be able to perform the process ; but the process is 
 quite a distinct thing from the material, and you 
 
 III 
 
 s 
 
 I! ]f > 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 63 
 
 »» 
 
 Line 
 jover, 
 lappy 
 Sion a 
 and 
 Iasur6 
 joften 
 ight, 
 ito a 
 and 
 and 
 Lmed 
 )ted 
 ling 
 he 
 he 
 Ima- 
 |s is 
 
 70U 
 
 s 
 
 may bny the material, but you cannot buy your own 
 act of the process — that is entirely a personal thing. 
 But the rights of property in this matter of taste are 
 vested only in those who can use them, not merely in 
 those who possess them, so that this beautiful little world 
 is ever open to those who choose to enter in and possess it. 
 Hazlitt hnmorously and somewhat truly describes this in the 
 following racy description : — *' When I am in the country, 
 all the fine seats near the place of my residence, and to 
 which I have access, I regard as mine. The same I thmk 
 of the groves and fields where I walk, and muse on the folly 
 of the civil landlord in London, who has the fantas^cal 
 pleasure of draining dry rents into his coffers, but is a 
 stranger to the fresh air and rural enjoyments. By these 
 principles I am possessed of half-a-dozen of the finest 
 seats in England, which, in the eye of the law, belong to 
 certain of my acquaintances, who, being men of business, 
 choose to live near the court. ^* Is not this true and real en- 
 joyment without the troubles and anxieties that detract 
 from the pleasure, which the possessor necessarily has in 
 the owning, and the maintenance of the ownership ? 
 
 •'In some great families," naively continues Hazlitt, 
 " where I choose 10 pass my time, a stranger would be apt 
 to rank me with the other domestics ; but in my own 
 thought and natural judgment, I am master of the house, and 
 he who goes by that name is my steward, who eases me of the 
 care of providing for myself the conveniencies and pleasures of 
 Hfe." Though quiet, what satirecould be more pungent on the 
 folly of thinking we are happy and enjoying life, if we are 
 master of a splendid establishment, ornamented to the full 
 with magnificent display. To those born in and born to, 
 high life, what splendid misery to be born to such as 
 mere necessities of existence ; and to those born in humble 
 life, but to whose unremitting exertions, high life, the 
 beacon of all their toiling hopes, has at length come as the 
 crowning reward, what splendid disappointment and sor- 
 row to attempt, with daily failure, to crush some sweet out 
 of the daily glitter and the show ! What is not in them 
 cannot be taken out of them. What is sought after is in 
 the refinement of the mind, and may be had without them 
 — at least without paying for them in false circumstance or 
 a life time of slavery. 
 
64 
 
 How to Shine in Society, 
 
 How exquisitt'ly does he continue hifl good humored satire 
 in the folJowinj,', and notice tliat he bpeaks from « c^onscious 
 possession of the very power we wish you to have : — " When 
 I walk the streets I use the fore^joing natural maxim, name- 
 ly, — that he is the true possessor of a thing who enjoys it, 
 and not he that owns it, without the enjoyment, — to con- 
 vince myself that I have a property in the gay part of ail 
 the gilt chariots that I meet, wliich I regard asamufoments 
 designed to delight my eyes, and the imagination of those 
 kind people who sit in them gayly attired only to please 
 me." And so he goes on witli a wonderful sense of 
 pleasure and contentment, without the least feeling of envy, 
 and without pllowing the slightest room for it to exist. How 
 grandly he does his casting of the account beaween real and 
 imocrinary pleasures. " But the pleasure which naturally 
 affects a human mind with the most lively and transport- 
 mg touches, I t.'»;ke to be the sense that we act in the eye of 
 infinite wisdom, power and goodness that will crown our 
 virtuous endeavors here, with a happiness hereafter, large 
 as our desires, and lasting as our immortal souls. This is 
 a perpetual spring of gladness in the mind. This lessens 
 our calamities, and doubles our joys. Without this, the 
 highest state of life is insipid, and with it the lowest is a 
 paradise.'' When a road leads to such a grand conclusion, 
 you are pretty safe in travelling along it. It is along this 
 one we desire you go in your search for the pleasing refine- 
 ment, that is to make you a pleasing companion on the way 
 of life, and in tiiose little gatherings by the wayside, wliich 
 we denominate social. Along this road are the wayside 
 flowers we desire you to pluck, and over its May-laden 
 hedges are to be seen those beautiful pictures, which we 
 desire you to cover the walls of your memory with. You 
 will thrill and bound with the impulse of gladness, or be 
 socially companionable with the qiiiet serenity of pleasant 
 contentment. You will be sure to attain the minor purpose 
 we have more immediately in view — you will begin in the 
 spirit of not offendmg, and, as you gradually gain power, you 
 will continue to gain favor for yourself, until your compan- 
 ionship is sought after for the profit and pleasure it im- 
 parts. 
 
 There are various little matters of tact and taste which 
 are only to be acq^uired by the observation oi example and 
 
 \ 
 
How to Shine in Society, 
 
 65 
 
 I 
 
 lich 
 
 LUd 
 
 the teaching of experience, but the great faonlty and the 
 disposition lie in such pursaits and associations. The ele- 
 ments of the conduct ol life must be learned in some school 
 wlierein .le actual conduct is but comparatively practical 
 — where it is in a great measure merely ideal ; and so the 
 elements of good taste and the ideal of good breeding must 
 be derived from the teachings of those eloquent instructors 
 that catch the living manners as they rise, test them by the 
 ideal of what is correct and becoming, and impress them on 
 our minds with a quietness and a beauty, that make them 
 pleasing for the time, and leave a happiness behind them 
 for ever. So intimately knit in themselves and their conse- 
 quences are the true, the good and the beautiful. 
 
 THE TOPICS OF CONVEESATION. 
 
 The topics of conversation are not often of our own sug- 
 gesting at the outset, but we should be rationally well 
 informed so as to meet the exigencies of the conversation, 
 whatever direction its current may take. The wider your 
 range of information, the more of coarse have you the means 
 of taking a part in it. You have the whole circle of the 
 Bciences and the arts to glean from. You need not enter 
 into them like a professional scholar, but you may take from 
 them gradually materials for thinking like a thinking man. 
 You need not be an omnivorous swallower of encyclopsedio 
 description, but you must be an honest and careful digester 
 of whatever you take into ;your mental stomach, else it will 
 deaden the finer energies of your mind. The memory in 
 some is but a great lumber cellar of odds and ends, that can 
 ever be conveniently got at to be of any practical use — a 
 vaut of method in the storing has so contused and mixed 
 hero altogether. Whatever you do learn, learn it method- 
 ically. "We do not mean the method of mere rote, but the 
 method of nature and of reason. This reasonable method 
 will keep you correct and accurate. You will never feel 
 wrong c confused. Above all, see that you have definite 
 notions and definite terms for those notions. A loose 
 desulf habit of reading', a loose, unmethodical habit of 
 thinkii. and a loose indefinite manner of speaking, will 
 make it a sorry conversable member of society. He 
 shines to advantage who is decided and definite through 
 all. . ..... . . „ 
 
Jj-I 
 
 66 
 
 Hinv to Shine in Society, 
 
 
 No ooiiversation can go for any length of time without 
 opportuu.ties for you to add your quota to the general stock. 
 Indeed, the opportunities occur so frequently that the 
 danger lies in contributing without discrimination and judg- 
 ment, simply because you know something that will just 
 fit. How irresistible is the inclination of two or three to 
 speak at the same time, with ill-concealed impatience for 
 him who is speaking to be finished as quickly as possible. 
 Topics are likely rather to crowd in upon you than to fail 
 you, and must be put under judicious restraint. 
 
 We have already referred to scandal as a pet topic in 
 social pai*ties, but as one to be deliberately discountenanced 
 and avoided. Anything that partakes of an immediately 
 personal character is sure to breed spleen and envy and ill- 
 will. Leave out of account your sorry little selves, and 
 introduce things that are useful and noble and beautiful, so 
 that you may be lifted out of yourselves into an atmosphere 
 of higher elevation and superior refinement. Any thing is 
 better to talk about than self, and the comparison, manifest- 
 ed or implied, of that sorry little wretch with others, which 
 all scandal bases its abominable existence on. Scandal 
 mongers poison the airiest and the sunniest atmosphere of 
 talk with their black breath clouds of evil report. Every 
 one should be interested in making tliem collapse. 
 
 The news of the day is a subject that rarely fails to com® 
 upon the carpet. The daily newspaper supplies the daily 
 fresh material, with a varied miscellany of subjects to 
 gratify every kind of taste. Beware, however, of rushing 
 into the extreme of being a quidnunc^ who bores every one 
 he meets with, " Well, what's up now ? " the modern quid- 
 ftunc^s favorite slang expression. Of course the bore ia just 
 as offensive, though, couched in a more elegant phrase. 
 
 There Is a topic that no one of the least pretension to 
 refinement v^ould ever think of taking part in, and that is 
 dilating with zest on the grosser appetites and passions of 
 our nature. These, though as necessary, and in their place 
 as useful as the higher attributes of our nature, are judi- 
 ciously kept out of sight in unobtrusive retirement. Even 
 at dinner, where you cannot avoid talking a little '* gout,'* 
 it must be done in an easy passing manner, and must not 
 be much dwelt on. 
 
 \ 
 
How to Shine in Society^ 
 
 67 
 
 I very 
 
 ,e 
 
 one 
 niid- 
 just 
 
 to 
 
 is 
 
 of 
 
 lace 
 
 idi- 
 
 iven 
 
 It/* 
 
 Inot 
 
 \ 
 
 With regard to the more solid topics of conversation, care- 
 fnl reading \^ill certainly supply yon with as large a stock 
 as you desire to have, but these will be apt to be indefinite 
 and intangible unless you reason them out in yonr own pro- 
 cess of thought, and condense them into your own words in 
 writing. It is wonderful what a power and mastery this 
 simple habit of writing down your thouc^hts gives you. 
 Feeble and crude at first, like everything else in its begin- 
 ning, by and by it gains strength and power, until the words 
 come as raadily from the pen as from the tongue. It is just 
 taking account of your thoughts in a daybook of topics, or 
 as it is generally termed a common-place book. It is just 
 habituating yourself to talking on paper, with the definite- 
 ness and precision which is thereby inexorably demanded, 
 in order that you may the more easily discourse on those 
 subjects when the restraints of the paper is withdrawn, as 
 a precise and exacting drill confers ease and elasticity on 
 the deportment, when the rigidity of the form is withdrawn, 
 and gives place to a more chastened relaxation. When you 
 enter social converse you are going to ** trade," as the 
 Americans say. Well, the merchant who has a methodical 
 invoice of his goods has in the *' trading " the advantage of 
 him that has none. The very writing of it out fixes the 
 articles on his memory ; and he can the more readily, and 
 the more accurately, condescend on particulars. He is more 
 the master of his subject, and of course the subject is more 
 his servant, being therefore more obedient to his bidding. 
 
 Bemember, however, that the absolute truth of a subject 
 can rarely be made evident, and that variety of opinion is 
 infinite. Each one speculates according to the circle of his 
 vision, and no two see things exactly alike. Every one loves 
 his own opinion dearly — it is the fondly nursed child of his 
 brain, and there are no children like our own. Do not be 
 afraid of being looked upon as foolish, because you have no 
 opinion to give on the subject. Those are the fooHsh per> 
 sons who risk a random opinion rather than have nothing 
 to say. II you have anything at all to say, it is better to 
 say it than say nothing, but see that you say it at the proper 
 time and in a proper way. Prudence and circumspection 
 will make your little tell more than a great deal pronounced 
 without judgment and discrimination. And do you. Sir 
 Oracle, think that because you have the assurance to decide 
 
WW 
 
 68 
 
 J/oiv to Shifie in Society, 
 
 upon every matter for the entire company, yotl shine the X)no 
 lone star of the evening ? Your voise is loud and strong, 
 your eye bold and confident, and your manner emphatic and 
 decisive. You overawe the weak and you impose on the 
 foolish, but you irritate the strong and disgust the wise, If 
 you are not pulled down from your supercilious pedestal, 
 it is because you are despised as not being worth the 
 trouble. 
 
 It is the careful reflective mind that ultimately gives 
 direction and tone to opinion. This is most apparent in 
 the wider range of the entire social system, wherein public 
 opinion directs all the vital and effective movements. This 
 is generated by that common sense which in the main is 
 the root of all true growth of opinion- 
 
 Though you have selected carefully and discriminately 
 the commonplaces of your talk, that does not mean that 
 your conversation is to be what is generally meant by the 
 epithet commonplace. A commonplace talker is a decided 
 bore of society, and a most wearisome one too. In him 
 there is nothing fresh, nothing new. He has the same old 
 topics you have heard times without number ; and these 
 have become to you " stale, flat, and unprofitable." His 
 limited and streotyped commonplaces have conferred an 
 equivocal distinctive degradation upon the term which its 
 original signification did not imply. But he degrades all sub- 
 jects by his insipid "hacking" of them to death. His parrotry 
 seems to emanate from his tongue merely as sounds that, 
 tlionrh they have entered through his ear, have never 
 thrihed the rational nerves of his brain, but have been 
 merely echoed back as they happen to come. Nothing dis- 
 tinctive has been added. Any body might have uttered 
 them. They bear no interest that anybody can have the 
 slightest feeling for They strike with the mon«>tony that 
 magnetizes our senses with indifference, and we feel our- 
 selves condemned to dullness, and plunged in the misery of 
 £nnm. 
 
 The genial and consistent flow of conversation is oiten 
 sadly interrupted by the random and the impulsive talkers. 
 The random speakers have no judgment or discretion either 
 with regard to the topics under discussion or to the persons 
 discussing. They may disconcert for a short time, and if 
 persistent may annoy extremely, but in the end the divert- 
 
 V 
 
How to Shint iti Sodtty. 
 
 69 
 
 -^ed attentiot) recoils in anger and contempt npon their own 
 empty heads. The impulsive speakers running on ahead 
 or dragging wofuUy in the rear, annoy chiefly hy their 
 unsteady pace. Nohody can hear the constantly varying 
 attention demanded hy the attempt to place one's self along- 
 .side of their thoughlH. There is nothing contributes more 
 to harmony of conversation than the being in tune as it were 
 with the company. You may blend harmoniously and yet 
 retain your own distinctive contrast of individuality. This 
 adapting of yourself and your topic to the tone of the com- 
 pany is indeed one of the primary and principal requisites 
 to please. 
 
 All this theoiy which we have laid down will he of no use 
 to you without practice. Don't imagine that immediately 
 after cramming all this into your head, you can go and act 
 it in the first society you enter. No such a thing. If you 
 have not already hegun. you must begin ; and that beginning 
 will in all likelihood be full of blunders ; but you need not 
 be discouraged, for every one blunders more or less into suc- 
 cess, and success wipes outmost effectually the remembrance 
 of all blunders ; but only through the blundering, more or 
 less, lies your way. A wise prudence and a circumspect 
 watchfulness will save you from many mistakes, and recover 
 you from more. Whatever ground you lose, never lose 
 your presence of mind or your patience. The most marked 
 external aspect of a true gentleman is the self-contained 
 manner which impresses with a sense of conscious worth 
 without suspicion of pretension attached except what can 
 be fully laid claim to. This firm cohiposure fixes itself more 
 and more surely, until it kindly commands respect. This 
 manner is the best basis for all conversational excellence to 
 stand on. It amply admits that calm consideration which 
 is a condition of the humblest attempt to please. 
 
 Our parting advice shall be a recapitulatory one. Ite- 
 member that our subject is an art, and as such must be 
 dependent on science for its principles, and is in itself a 
 habitual acting. What you have learned, rehearse as quietly 
 as you can in some comparatively unimportant theatre of talk. 
 You can never go wrong by making your debut in the hum- 
 blest style. Take your seat at the lowest end of the table 
 and win your way to the highest. It is the natural and the 
 healthiest mode in everything. Never dream of bursting 
 
TT 
 
 70 
 
 ffow to Shine in Society. 
 
 li 
 
 I! 
 
 full blaze upon the public stage, thinking that becatiBe yon 
 have the conception in your head, you have the complete 
 personation at your finger-ends. That would be sure to 
 bring you defeat and shame. The ground is slippery at the 
 first tread; proceed cautiously, and step by. step. Gradu- 
 ally it will become more familiar, and more under control. 
 Then you will find yourself under less restraint, but through 
 all strive to retain confidence in yourself. The moment 
 that is gone disasters begin. Should accidents happen to 
 disturb your equanimity, ignore them yourself, and every- 
 body will soon forget them. All that you have really to do 
 with them is to profit by them. Don't suffer yourself , above 
 all things, to be re-tortured by them in the recollection. If 
 you treat them good-naturedly they will be forgotten ; if 
 you show that they annoy you they will be sure to be +3tched 
 again from oblivion by some ill-natured tormentor. Do not 
 formally prepare yourself by dressiug your mind and your 
 tongue, as you would your body before going into select com- 
 pany, but be always in the way of preparation, and 
 always hold yourself prepared — it is your natural mood as 
 a man. The same preparation serves you in acquiring one 
 of the most useful qualities in life — address. You should, 
 however, take care to be "posted up" to the latest in all 
 your topics, so far as your means enable you. This imparts 
 to your conversation that freshness which is so acceptable 
 in all circles. Some professed "diners out " and " hangers 
 on " may think it worth while to con their intended conver- 
 sational programme by heart in set witticisms and pretty 
 little speeches and stories, but that is petty acting, not 
 gentlemanly behavior. It is a dignified preparation we 
 would recommend to you, not one of such fussy small talk 
 ambition. Your quiet, self-possessed manner will then 
 gracefully become your method < f well-weighed reflective 
 thought, and will impress with u. feeling of respect and 
 pleasure. 
 
 But nothing ever required more formal and more thorough 
 habitual preparation — nay, positive training — than the organ 
 which gives expression to your thoughts and feelings. This 
 physical instrum'int with its mechauical effect must be kept 
 in constant working order by habitual and judicious practice. 
 The voice in fact has to be ground down to power and 
 Bweetness, and it always requires grinding to keep it strong 
 
How to Shine in Society. 
 
 71 
 
 and mellow. It has been a cause for complaint that our 
 cliurcli bells are not constant with each other '.n harmony. 
 They too often wrangle like sectaries of dif^jring creeds. 
 
 y There is cause for much greater complaint that people do 
 
 not tune their voices to please each other in daily ringing 
 their thoughts into each other's hearts. Our conversation 
 and the mood it induces would be all the pleasanter for the 
 improvement. Thought that comes chiming into our heart 
 makes us glad. What comes jarring through our ears makes 
 us nervously uncomfortabie. The human voice can be made 
 so rich and sweet at the smallest expense of attention and 
 judgment that harshness is quite inexcusable. A harsh 
 squeaking voice will assuredly destroy all other excellences 
 of thought and behavior. The sweet subtle penetration of 
 a tone thrilhng with the pathos of persuasion is irresistible. 
 It is the heart that listens, not merely the ear and the brain. 
 Bemember too that the fascinating power of the soul is 
 poured through the eye as well as the tongue. Let the eye 
 and the tongue not only corroborate but intensify each other 
 
 r in expressing the full meaning of the thought. The tongue 
 
 may deceive, the eye never. Not the particular thought of 
 course, but the general and the ruUng passions print them- 
 selves legibly in the eye, and can be read — nay, felt, even 
 by a very superficial observer. So do not distract the im- 
 pression nor destroy it by making them talk to cross purposes. 
 Let them mutually aid each other to make the impression 
 intenser and stronger. At the same time that you are ever 
 ready to step into the full pace of the conversation, have 
 the reins of your tongue and your sense well in hand, that 
 you may be able to pull up at once when required in favor 
 of another, and resume at once when your own turn comes 
 round Bestraint within your natural power makes a more 
 effective impression than running out to the full extent of your 
 
 ^ pace, and at length pulling up from exhaustion. These are 
 the principal pr ints in the mode, and now let us briefly sum 
 up the chief points of the morale. Begin by not giving 
 offence ; that is the only way to end by pleasing. Avoid 
 flattering people to their face, and stabbing them behind 
 their back ; or blessing them with one hand, while you 
 strike a deadly blow with the other. It is very bad to be a 
 person capable of such conduct, but frequently the perBon 
 who oonduots himself so is not a bad fellow at heart — ^he 
 
7a 
 
 Hm to Shine in Sociefy^ 
 
 n 
 
 has merely donned a bad moral habit, beoanse it is a little 
 fashionable, and looks a httle Bmartish. Take care of being 
 considered either a know-nothing or a know-everytbing. The 
 bein/; a '* perfect ignoramus " is not more to be avoided 
 than the being au fait in regard to every person or occur- 
 rence that comes upon the carpet. It is an ostentation of 
 impossibilities, and though you may consider yourself very 
 knowing, or rather that you are impressing others with the 
 belief that you are very knowing, you are simply making 
 game of yourself for others in company where you are not 
 invited to shine. You are sure to be hanged on your own 
 gallows. The only means of information the " know-every- 
 thing " generally has is grounded on trust from the news- 
 mongers, yet by his assurance and confident assertion yon 
 would, if you did not know him, believe that he had been 
 behind the curtain and seen the whole with his own eyes. 
 The direction taken by such a speaker is generally the 
 wonderful in matters of occurrence, or the sarcastically 
 bitter in matters of character. Yet positive falsehood or 
 malice prepense may not be in the talker's heart, only the 
 vain desire to be considered ** up to everything,** or not to 
 be considered sentimental. Avoid all false glitter and that 
 which gleams only to pierce. Dare not only to have feeling 
 but to show it. Sensibility is the characteristic that forms 
 the most truly attractive behavior. Enter with delicacy 
 into the feelings of others, consult their inclinations, respect 
 their opinions, and relieve them from all embarassment and 
 anxiety, and you' will shine not only before their eyes, but 
 into their very hearts, which result is not only the greatest 
 intellectual but the greatest moral triumph that can grace 
 your behavior in attempting ** how to shine.** 
 
 In conclusion let us remind you of what we insisted on at 
 the beginning, — that a dignified and pleasing manner can 
 only fit truthfully and gracefully a worthy and manly nature. 
 The ease and dignity of the true gentleman can only flow from 
 real native worth. Bemember that the beauty and bril- 
 liancy of the polish is more due to the grain of the substance 
 than to any solid virtue in the burnish. Consider too of 
 how much importance it is for even the brightest diamond, 
 to be properly out, and judioiously set, to shine to the great- 
 est advantage. 
 
 f)