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'iif « I* ,«_ "•>»*«i*'*- o-ri (ttS) (Th) irtli) (TTs) Cel-5) (ci^ ni-Ti) (cts) rctoj re To) -.i^ 'O' 4- 'O' -<5i '6' 4^ W ^ 'O' ^$4 'O' ^Si 'O' -5?'^^ Price. 50 Cents. v»,. _ ■•' .-.ft An fSj / % Artemus Ward \ No IN London, AND OTHER PAPERS. WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS BY J. II. HOWARD. Reprinted from the American Copyri\;lit Edition, • •• ' • •• • I • • I • •• • ••• • .•-•••• ••»• • '• • ' • :• ■' " iv:».»-.t — #*--T5"..#,t — • • » • • • k % • • • • • < • • » MONTREAL: R. WORTHINGTON. 1868. Am PRINTED BY THE MONTREAL PRINTING AND PUBLISHING COMPANY. i • •-•'«•.• . • ••■ •••*•. • « • ■ a • • • • • • « • ?6 CONTENTS. Page. Artemus Wauh in London . , I. — Arrival in London 7 LI. — Personal ll6collcctions , 11 III. — The Grecnlion and Oliver Cromwell li IV.— At the Tomb of Shakspearc 17 v.— Is introduced at the Club 20 VI.— The Tow'-r of London 2-1 VII. — Science am] Natural History 27 VIII.— A Visit to the British Museum * 31 IX.— Pyrotcchny ol X.— The Negro Question 38 Essays and Sketches: , . I. — About Editors 41 II.— Editing 43 III. — Morality and Genius 4-1 IV.—Pop' '. rity 45 v.— All :: Difficulty in the Way 46 VI.— Othello '. 47 VII. — Scenes outside the Fair Ground 49 VIII,- Colored People's Church 51 IX.— Spirits 52 X.— Mr. Blowhard 54 XL — Market Morning 55 XII. — We see two Witches , 57 XIII.^— Rough beginning of the Honeymoon 60 XrV. — Prom a Homely Man 61 XV.— The Elephant 63 XVI.— Busts 65 60179 r %' Contents. \\ XVII.— A Colored Man of the name of Jeffries 66 XVIII. — How tho Napoleon of Sellers was Sold 67 XIX.— Ou Autumn 69 XX. — Paying for his Provender by Praying 70 XXL— Names 71 XXII.— Hunting Trouble 72 XXIII.— Ho found bo Would 73 XXIV.— Dark Doings 74 XXV.— A Hard Case.... 75 XXVI.— Reporters .'. 76 XXVII. — Burial in Richmond and Resurrection in Boston 77 XXVIII.-IIe had the little Voucher in liis Pocket '79 XXIX.— Tho Gentlemanly Conductor 80 XXX.— A Mayoralty Election 81 XXXI.— Fishing Excursion.. :.. 83 XXXIL— Red Hand : A Tale of Revenge 84 XXXIII. — The last of tho Culkinses — A Duel in Cleveland — Distance ten paces — Bloody result — Flight of one of the Principals — Full particulars 87 XXXIV. — How Old Abe received the news of his Nomination 90 XXXV.— Roberto the Rover: A Tale of Sea and Shore 91 ' Among THE Fenians, &c. : ' ', Preliminary 95 Artemus Ward among the Fenians 98 Artemus Ward in Washington .... 102 The Draft in Baldinsville 106 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. ; I. — Aittfuiuii introducing himself to Mr. Punch 7 11. — Do his clothes have a Welchy appearance ? 27 III. — ArteniuB Ward as Capting of the Home Guards 41 IV. — A visit to the Tomb of Shakspeare 53 V. — Artemus is taken for a Salor boy <>7 VI.~PlayfulDess of the Rocky Mountain Bear ■* 81 I II l1 !l pr so lit] ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON. Artemus "Ward arrives in London— Introduces himself to Mr. Punch. PART I. • I.— ARRIVAL IN LONDON. Mk. Punch, My dear Sir, — You prob'ly didn't meet my uncle Wilyim when he was on these shores. I jedge so from the fack that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Commerce, which it has been trooly observed by a statesman, oi somebody, is the foundation stone onto which a nation's greatness rests, glori- ous C(Jtamerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort. He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and I 8 ARllIVAL IN LONDON. • '< l||: redily commanded two pents a cake. I'm the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a dear cuzzun who wrote 22 versis onto " A Child who nearly Died of the Measles, ! " but as he injoodiciously introjuced a ohorious at the end of each stanzy, the parrents didn't like it at all. The father in particler wept afresh, assault- ed my cuzzun, and said he never felt so ridicklus in his intire life. The onhappy result was that my cuzzun abandind poetry forever, and went back to shoe- makin, a shattered man. My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his 3oap, and returned to his nativ land with a very exolted opinyin of the Bri- tish public. "It is a edycated com- munity," said he ; " they're a intelle'c- tooal peple. In one small village alone I sold 50 cakes of soap, incloodin barronial halls, where they offered me a ducal coronet, but I said no— give it to the poor." This was the way Uncle Wilyim went on. He told us, however, some stories that was rather too much to be easily swallerd. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not a emblem of trooth. He retired some years ago on a hansum comptency derived from the insurance-money he received on a rather shaky skooner he owned, and which turned up while lying at a wharf one night, the cargo having fortnitly been remooved the day afore the disaatriss calamty occurd. Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler things he ever heard of; and, after collectin the insurance-money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm in Peim- sylvany. He was my uncle by marri- age only. I do not say that he Vasn't a honest man. I simply say that if you have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells you it is more profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons instid of silver ones onto the table when that uncle dines with you in a frenly way — I simply say, there is sumthun wrong in our social sistem, which calls loudly for reform. I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool, and proceeded at once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liver- pool, because it was named after a countryman of mme who didn't get his living by makin' mistakes, and whose mem'ry is dear to civilised peple all over the world, because he was gentle and good as well as trooly great. We read in Histry of any number of great individooals, but how few of 'em, alars ! should we want to take home to supper with us ! Among others, I would call your attention to Alexander the Great, who conkerd the world, and wept because he couldn't do it sum more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer, gettin' tight every day afore dinner with the most disgtlstin' reg'larity, causin' . his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed him in his early youth to a biskit-baker, or some other occupa- tion of a peaceful and quiet character. I say, therefore, to the great men now livin' (you could put 'em all into Hydt Park, by the way, and still leave room for a large and respectable concourse of rioters) — be good. I say to that gifted ' 'but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be good and gentle in your hour of triump. /always am. I admit that our lines is different, Bismarck's and mine ; but the same glo'rus principle is involved. I am a exhibiter of startlin' curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry, T" either of >J ARRIVAL IN LOm)ON. 9 whom," as a American statesman whose name I ain't at liberty to mention for periitical resins, as he expecks to be a candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the rage and jehsy of other showmen — " either of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission ") ; I say I am a exhibiter of startlin cm-iositys, and I also have my hours of triump, but I try to be good in 'em. If you say, " Ah, ye^, but also your hours of grfef and misfortin;" I answer it is troo, and you prob'ly refer to the circumstans of my hirin' a young man of dissypated habits to fix hisself up as A real Caimibal from New Zeelan, and when I was simply telling the audience that he was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen, and that he had at one time even contemplated eatin his Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other near and dear relatives, — when I was makin' these simple state- ments, the mis'ble young man said I was a Iyer, and knockt me off the plat- form. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevily on me, and as he was a very musculer person and wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a canary bird wasn't walkin' over me. I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns, and I've been Very careful ever since to deal square with the public. If I was the public I should insist on squareness, tho' I shouldn't do as a portion of my audi- ence did on the occasion jest mentioned, which they was omplyed m sum naberin' coal mines. " As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old man," said one of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em — a tall dis- , 'greeble skoundril — " as you seem to be out of Cannybals, we'll sorter look round here and fix things. Them wax figgers of yours want washm'. There's Napo- leon Bonyparte and Julius Caesar — they must have a bath," with which coarse and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop of the western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin com- panyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let my wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agri- cultooral community. Leavin Liverpool (I'm goin' back there, tho — I want to see the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while I was there) I cum to London in a 1st class car, passin' the time very agreeable in discussin, with a country- man of mine, the celebrated Schleswig- Holstein question. We took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from the time it commenced being so, down to the present day, when my countryman, at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I did. I told him that I did not. He's at Ramsgate now, and I am to write him when I feel like givin him two days in which to discuss the question of negro slavery in America. But now I do not feel like it. London at last, and I'm stoppin' at the Greenlion tiivem. I like the lan'- lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few triflin errors in regard to America — ^lie was under the impression, for instance, that we et hay over there, and had horns growin out of the back part of our heads — ^but his chops and 10 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 1 . li beer is ekal to any I ever partook. You must cum and see me, and bring the boys. I'm told that Garrick used to cum here, but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns. I've had over 500 public-houses pinted out to me where Garrick went. I was in- dooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Britons, to visit sum 25 public-houses. and they confidentially told me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr. Johnson. This won't do, you know. May be I've rambled a bit in this communycation. I'll try and be more collected in my next, and meanwhile, b'lieve me Trooly Yours, Artemus Ward. * "W --fS^ S(!!!»6«ii>5»>«!^-**«i«««. m PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. You'll be glad to learn that I've made a good impression onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Greenlion tavern. He made a speech about me last night. Risin' in the bar he spoke as follers, there bein over 20 individooals present : " This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse oyer two weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furniture of any kind. (Hear, hear.') I find I can trust him with lited candles. He eats his wittles with a knife and a fork. Peple of this kind should be encur- ridged. I purpose 'is 'elth !" (Loud *plaw8.') What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more clostly together ? The lan'lord said my speech was full of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage co'ach was more safer, and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in doo time. ^ I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in Lon- don. I see now, however, that I made a mistake in orderin' my close afore I left home. The trooth is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig and I didn't see any other way of gettin my pay. Ten years ago these close would no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and per- haps they would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens. But now they're diff 'rejitly. The taler said he know'd they was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood. But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a new soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other night), Never don't let us Despise a Man because ho wears a Raggid Coat ! I don't know as wo do, by the way, tho' we gen'relly get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account of tho pity which tears our boosums for his onhappy condition. This last 'remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of my re- marks. I know one man — and htf's a man of varid 'complishments — ^who often reads my articles over 20 times afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she hepecks me, and the young man in our neighbourhood who said to me one evenin', as I was misten- in' my diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavum — who said to me in 12 1>ERS0NAL RECOLLECTIONS. I" lil* these very langwidge, " Go home, old man, onless you desires to have another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," prob'ly regrets havin said so. I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. outside of the fam'ly circle, of trhich I am it principally my- self. Your other observations I scorn and disgust, and I must pollish you off." He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be ground to powder ? I said. Yes, if there was a Powder-grindist handy, nothin Avould 'ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye, causin' me to make a rapid retreat into the fire-place. I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so well organised. But I rallied, and went for him in a rayther vigris style for my time of life. His parunts lived near by, and I m\\ simply state 15 minits had only elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a shutter. His mama met the solium processhun at the door, and, after keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said, " My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a Trashin Masheen. You went in at the place where they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you got up into the thingamyjig and let the horses tred on you, didn't you, my son ?" The pen of no livm Orthur could describe that disfortnit young man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and I went and nussed him^ill he got well. His reg'lar original father being absent to the war, I told him I'd be a father to him myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I'd al- ready been wuss than two fathers to hmi. I will here obsarvo that fitin orter be alius avided, exccp in extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites mo on the right cheek I'll turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he insinooates that my gran'mother wasn't all right, I'll punch his hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm alius excessively tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has thus far been the case — my only sorror bein' that t'other feller wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently with scullin boats, which is a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will, be entirely satisfact'ry to all. ' As I remarked afoi-e, I'm getting on well. I'm aware that I'm in tho great metropolis of the world, and it doesn't make me onhappy to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That's all that ails him. I know there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I know one man who says it is a shame and a dis- graice that St. Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss; he says it stould'be years and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold myself responsible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he's my countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with its full share of gibberin' idyits, and it can't be helpt — ^leastways, I can't think of any effectooal plan of helpin' it. I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here, but I shall not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 13 wild omnibus bosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've hqd quite enough of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birming- ham t'other night, and went to the great meetin' for a few minits. I had'nt been in the hall long when a stem lookin' artisan said to me, " You ar from Wales ? " No, I told him I didn'.t think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht over me. It was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, " Has my clothin' a Welchy appearance ? " " Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And what is your opinyin of the present crisis ? " I said, " I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad ? " He replied, " Sir, it is sweepin' over England like the Cymoon of the Desert!" " Wall," I said, « let it sweep ! " He ceased me by the arm and said, " Let us glance at hist'ry. It is now some two thousand years — " " Is it, indeed ? " I replied. ' " Listm ! " he fiercely cried ; it is only a little over two thousand years since — " " Oh, bother ! " I remarkt, « let us go out and git some beer." " No, Sir. I want no gross and sen- sual beer. I'll not move from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? " I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, contains a elabrit description of my show. " Now, Sir," I proudly said, " you know mo ? " " I soUumly swear," he sternly re- plied, " that I never heard of you, or your show, in my life ! " " And this man," I cried bitterly, " calls hi&self a intelligent man, and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler mockery ! " I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants to. It's a plea- sant amoosement no douljt ; but there is those whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpunts should be trusted with a child to play with. I went to the station with a view of retumin' to town on the cars. " This way, Sir," said the guard ; " here you ar," and he pinted to a first-class car- ridge, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther prepossessin' female of about 30 summers. " No, I thank you," I emestly re- plied, " I prefer to walk." I am, dear Sir, Very respectively yours, Artemus Ward. * ni. THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — It is now two weeks since a rayther strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Greenlion. He stated ho was from the celebrated United States, but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd to pre- fer soUytood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the garding, with his lied boAved down and his arms foldid across his brest. He reminded mc sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy Mr. Haller, in the cheerful play of The Stranger. This man puzzled me. I'd been puzzled afore several times, but never so severally as now. Mine Ost of the Greenlion said I must inter- rigate this strange bein, who claimed to be my countryman. " He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look to you," he added, " to clear up this dark, this orful mistry ! " I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to consider the mistry cleared up. I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin sweet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then retumui to the lan'lord, wo was nervisly pacing up and down the bar, I said, " Sweet Rolando, don't tremble no more ! I've torn the marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the recesses of his inmost sole ! He's a Trans-Mejim ! I'd been to the Beefenham theatre the previs evenin, and probably the drammar I saw affected me, because I'm not in the habit of going on as per above. I like the Beefenham theatre very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like myself can unite the ligitermit drammer with fish. Thus, while your enraptured soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sen- tences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained, however, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and who was accompanied by a gin bottle and a young infant — I felt constrained to tell that mother, when her infant playfully mingled a rayher oily mack'ril with the httle hair which is left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair oil at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her orfspring was greasin me with. This riled the excellent female, and she said, " Git out ! You never was a infank yourself, I spose ! Oh no ! You was too good to be a infank you was ! You sUd into the world all ready grow'd, didn't you ? Git out!" "No, Madam," I replied, " I too was once a infant ! I was a luvly child. Peple used to come in large and enthusiastic crowds from all parts of the country to see me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the town to accomodate the peple who thronged to my cradle." Having fin- ished these troothful statements, I smilt THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. sweetly on the worthy female. She said, " Drat you, what do you come a-chaffing me for ? " and the estymible woman waa really gettin furis, when I moUyfied her by praisin her child, and by axin pardin for all I'd said. " This little gal," I observed, "this surpris- ingly luvly gal — " when the mother said, " It's t'other sect is he. Sir : it's a boy." "Wall," I said, "then this little boy, whose eye is like a eagle arsoaring proudly in the azure sky, will some day be a man, if he don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear Madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this night, may grow up into a free and independent citizen, whose vote will be wdrth from ten to fifteen pounds, ac- cordin as suffrages may range at that joy us perid ! " Let us now return, jentle reader, to the lan'lord of the Greenlion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. Rubbing his hot face with a red hankercher, he said, " Is the stramge hem a American ? " " He is." ; • "AGen'ral?'-' « No." "A Colonial?" "No." "AMajer?" .* " Not a Majer." "ACaptmg?" ^ "He is not." , « Aleftenant?" - ■ " Not even that." " Then," said the lan'lord of the Greenlion, " you ar deceived ! ^ He is no countryman of yours." " Why not ? " I said. " I will tell you. Sir," said the lan'- lord. " My son-in-law is employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these shores goes to git his drafts casht, and he says that not one has arrived on these shores during the last 18 months as wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a left- enant ! This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you ! He's a impostuer ! " I reeled into a chair. For a mihit I was speechlis. At length I murmured, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo! Even I was a Capting of the Home Gards." " To be sure," said the lan'lord ; " you all do it, over there." " Wall," I said, " whatever nation this person belongs to, we may as well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is one of these spirit fellers — he is a Trans-Mejim, and when he slings him- self into a trans-state, he says the sperrits of departed great men talk through him. He says that to-night sev'- ril em'nent persons will speak through him — among others, Cromwell." " And this Mr. Cromwell — is he dead ? " said the lan'lord. I told him that Oliver was no more. " It's a umbug," said the lan'lord ; to which I replied that we'd best go and see, and we went. We was late, on account of the lan'lord's extensiv acquamtans with the public house keep- ers along the road, and the hall was some two miles distant, but we^got there at last. The hall was about half full, and the Mejim was just then assumin* to bo Benjamin Franklin, who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable. He said the Cable was really amerry- torious affiur, and that messiges could 16 THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL be sent to America, and there was no doubt about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which ho said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by steamer or canal boat. It struck me that if this was Franklin a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks particly. The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. But they was well-behaved, and the females kept saying, " How beautiful ! What a surblime thing it is," et cetry, et cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the lan'lord of the Greenlion, whose frekent intervoos with other lan'lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his left eye on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovinly upon her, said, " You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth of gin— cold gin. I take it cold, because " There was cries of " Silence ! Shame ! Put him out! theSkoffer!" " Ain't we at the Spotted Boar ? " the lan'lord hoarsely whispered. " No," I answered, " It's another kind of bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now." " Is he ? " said the lan'lord—" is he ? Wall, I've suthin to say, also. Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler ? " " Not that I ever heard," I anserd. " I'm sorry for that,** said the lan'- lord with a sigh; " but you think he was a man who would wish to see licensed vittlers respected in their rights ? " « No doubt." " Wall," said the lan'lord, "jest you keep a eye on me." Then risin to his feet ho said, in a somewhat husky yet tol'bly distink voice, " Mr. Crumbwell ! " " Cromwell ! " I cried. " Yes, Mr. Cromwell : that's the man I mean, Mr. Cromble ! won't you please advise that gen'l'man who you're talkin through ; won't you advise 'im during your elekant speech to settle his bill at my 'ouse to-night, Mr. Crumbles," said the lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple, " because if he don't, there'll be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Greenlion, where I don't want no more of this everlastin nonsens. ril talk through 'im ! Here's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile once more beamin on his face, " which will talk through him like a Dutch father! I'm the sperrit for you, young feller !" " You're a helthy old sperret," I remarkt ; and then I saw the necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yellin and screamin, and the men was hoUerin' perlice. A perliceman really came and coUered my fat fren. " It's only a fit, Sir»Richard," I said. I always call the perlice Sir Richard. It pleases them to think I'm the victim of a deloosion and they always treat me perlitely. This one did, certainly, for he let us go. We saw no more of the Trans-Mejim. It's diffikilt, of course, to say how long these noosances will be allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed for a answer, that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as long as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em. Am I right ? Yours, faithful!, Artemus Ward. IV. AT TIIE TOMB OF SIIAKSPEARE. Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I've been lingerin by the Tomb of the lamentid Shakspearo. It is a succesa. I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such. You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit. If you think its publi- cation will subswervo the cause of litte- ratoor, .you may publicate it. I told my wife Betsy when I loft homer that I should go to the birthpliice of the orthur of Otheller and other Piays. She said that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care where I went. " But," I said, " don't you know he was the greatest Poit that ever lived ? Not one of these common poits,like that young idyit who writes verses to our daughter, about the Roses as growses, and the Breezes as blowses — ^but a Boss Poit — also a philosopher, also a man who knew a great deal about everything." She was packing my things at the time, and the only answer she made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of my red flannel night caps. Yes. I've been to Stratford onto the Avon, the Birthplace of Shak- speare. Mr. S. is no more. He's been dead over three hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, &c., make it proftible ohorisin it. Almost everybody buys a pictur to put into their Albiom. As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspearo is s'posed to have fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy, (this spot cannot be bought — the town authorities say it shall never be taken from Stratford) I wondered if three hundred years hence picturs .of tny birthplace will be in demand? Will the peple of my native town bo proud of me in three hundred years ? I guess they won't short of that time because they say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there was stuffed out with pillers and cushions,* which he said one very hot day in July, " Oh bother, I can't stand tliis," and commenced pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and heavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to come chiseUn my own townsmen in that way. I said, " Do not be angry, feller-citizens. I exhibited ,him simply as a work of art. I simply wished to show you that a man could grow fat without the aid of cod- liver oil." But they wouldn't listen to me. They are a low and grovelin set of peple, who excite a feelin of loathin in every breast where lorfty emotions and original idees have a bidin place. I stopped at Leamington a few minits on my way to Stratford onto the Avon, ifl 18 AT TIIE TOMB OP SHAKSPEARE. and a very beautiful town it is. I went into a shoo shop to mako a purchis, and as I entered I saw over the door those dear familiar words, " By Appintmont : II. R. II.;" apd I said to the man, *" Squire, excuse mo, but this is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot and shoe shops by Ap- pintmont : II, R. II. ; and now youWe at it. It is simply onpossiblo that the Prince can wear 400 pairs of boots. Don't tell me," I said, in a voice choked with emotion — ^" Oh, do not tell me that you also make boots for him. Say slippers — say that you mend a boot now and then for him ; but do not tell jno that you make 'em reg'lar for him." The man smilt, and said I didn't understand these things. Ho said I perhaps had not noticed in London that dealers in all sorts of articles was By Appintraent. I said, " Oh, hadn't I ? Then a sudden thought flasht over me. "I have it !" I said. "When the Prince walks through a street, he no doubt looks at the shop windows." The man said, " No doubt." " And the enterprisin tradesman," I continnerd, " the moment the Prince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and has a tin sign painted. By Appintment, H. R. H. ! It is a beautiful, a great i^lee ! " I then bought a pair of saoe strings, and wrmgin the shopman's honest hand, I started for the Tomb of Shakspeare m a hired fly. It looked however more like a spider. " And this, " I said, as I stood in the old church-yard at Stratford, beside a Tombstone, " this marks the spot where lies William W. Shakspeare. Alans! and this is the spot where — " *' You've got tho wrong grave," said a man — a wortiiy villager : Shakspearo is buried inside tho church." " Oh," I said, " a boy told mo this was it." The boy larfed and put tho shillin I'd given him into his left oyo in a inglorious manner, and commenced moving backwards towards tho street. I pursood and captered him, and after talking to him a spell in a skarcastic stile, I let him wont. . ' ' Tho old church was damp and chill. It waa rainin. Tho only persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentleman who was talking in a excited manner to a fashnibly dressed . young man. "No, Ernest Montresser," the old gentleman said, " it is idle to p»rsoo this subjeck no further. You can never marry my daughter. You were seen last Monday in Piccadilly without a umbreller ! I said then, as I say now, any young man as venturs out in a imcertain climit like this without a umbreller, lacks foresight, caution, strength of mind and stability ; and he is not a proper person to intrust a daughter's happiness to." I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder, and I said, " You're right ! You're one of those kind of men, you are " He wheeled suddenly round, and in a indignant voice, said, " Go way — go way ! This is a privit intervoo." I didn't stop to enrich the old gentle- man's mind with my. conversation. I -sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to listen to me, and so I went on. But he was right about the umbreller. I'm I really delighted with this grand old AT THE TOMB OF SIIAKSPEARE. 19 country, Mr. Punch, but you must admit that it doca rain rayther numer- ously hero. Wliether this ia owing to a raoncrkal form of gov'mcnt or not, I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons to say. William Shakspcaro was born in Stratford in ir)l]4. All the commen- taters, Shaksperian scholars, etaetry, arc agi'ocd on this, which is about the only thing they arc agreed on in regard to him, except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. And there ia no doubt if these commentatera and persona continner investigatiu Shakspeare'a career, we shall not, in doo time, know anything about it at all. When a mere lad little William attended the Grammcr School, because, as he said, the Grammer School wouldn't attend him. Thia remarkable remark, comin from one so young and inexperunced, set poplo to thinkin there might bo somcthin in this lad. He subsequently wrote Hamlet and Q-eorge Barnwell. When hia kind teacher went to London to accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan Railway, little William was chosen by his fellow pupils to deliver a farewell address. " Go on, Sir," he said, " in a glorus career. Be like a eagle, and soar, and the soarer you get the more we shall uU be gratified! That's so." . My young readers who wish to know about Shakspeare, better get these vally- able remarks framed. I returned to the hotel.' Meetin a young mari'ied couple, they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Washmgton Irving used to keep ? " I've understood that ho was onsuc- cessful as a lan'lord," said the lady. " We've understood," said the young man," " that ho busted up." I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away. They were from my country, and ondoubtcdly represented a thrifty lie well somewhere in Ponnsyl- vany. It's a common thing, by the- way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some mornin and find ile squirtin all around his back yard. He sells out for 'normoua price, and his children put on gorgeoua harness and start on a tower to astonish pcple. They succeed in doing it. Meantime the Ile it squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on. Let it roll. A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the Red Horse. Every admirer of the great S. must go there once certuily ; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equv'lont to sayin one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient tinker. Some kmd person has sent me Chaw- cer's poems. Mr. C. had talent, but ho couldn't spel. No man has a right to be a lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pity that Chawcer, who had genyus, was so unedicatcd. He's the wuss speller I know of. I guess I'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is more mightier than the sword, but which I'm fraid would stand a rayther slim chance beside the needle gun. Adoo! adoo! , ■ Artemus Ward. V. IS INTRODLX'ED AT THE CLUB. V "I . Mil. Punch, My deau Siu, — It is seldira that tho Commercial relations between great Britain and tho United States is mar'd by Games. It is Commerce, after all, which will keep the two counti'ies friendly to'ards each other rather than statcsmerj. I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single speech was encored during tho entire session. Look at Congress — but no, I'd rather not look at Congress. Entertainin this great regard for Com- merce " whose sales whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise that a British subjeck bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when he arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass nothin but saw-dust. I should have instantly gone into tho City and called a meetin of tho leadin com- mercial men to condem and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I hadn't learned at the same time that the draft given by the British subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawd onto a Bankin House in London which doesn't have a existence, but far otherwise, and never did. There is those who larf at these things, but to me they merit rebooks and frowns. With i^% exception of my Uncle Wilyim — who, as I've l)eforo stated, is a uncle by marriage only, who is a low cusa and filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin breakfast, given to him by my father, and made tho clergyman as united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and when my father on discovcrin it got in a rago and denounced him. Uncle Wilyim said tho old man (mcanin my parent) hadn't any ideo of first-class Ilumcr! — with the exception of this wretched Uncle, the escutchin of my fam'ly has never been stained by Games. The little harmless deceptions I resort to in my perfcshion I do not call Games. They are sacrifisses to Art. I come of a very clover fam'ly. The Wards is a very clever ftimlly, indeed. I believe we are descendid from tho Puritins, who nobly fled from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody else from cnjoyin hia. As I said before, we are a very clover fam'ly. I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin Avhat a clever fam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop- winders. I've got some new close since you last saw me. I saw them others wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too far back into tho dim vister of the IS INT.ttODUCKD AT THE CLUD. 21 pnft, .i!vl I ;; ivo 'om to a Orfun AHylum. Tiio close I \v;'ar now I bo't of Mr. Mo.scH, in tilt' Connaerciailloiul. Thoy was cxproasly niailo, Mr.Mosos infornu'd mo, for a nobleman, Imt as they fittt'd J)un too nniclily, partic'ly the trows'rs (whicli U hlno, with lar^o red and wliite ehccks) lio had said, " My dear feller, make me some more, only mind — Ix' sure you sell these to some genteel old feller." I like to .- nuiter thro' Regent Street. The shops are pretty, and it docs the old man's heart good to see the troops of fine healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and French lasses do. It's a mistake about everybody being out of town, I gucsi. Regent Street is full. I'm hero ; and, as I said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly. As I was walkin along, amoosin my- self by stickin my penkifo into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell-coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accosted by a man of about thirty-five summers, who said, " I have seen that face some^ wheres afore ! " Ho was a little shabby in his wearin apparil. His coat was one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always toll have been burnished by ad- versity ; but he was very gentlemanly. " Was it in the Crimea, comrade ? Yes, it was. It was at the stormin of Sebaatopol, where I had a narrow es- cape from death, that we^met !" I said, " No, I wasn't at Sebaatopol, I escaped a fatal wound by not bein there. It was a healthy old fortress," I added. '' It was. But it fell. It came down with a crash." " And plucky boys they was who brought her down," I added • " and hurrah for 'om !" The man graspt me warmly l)y the hand, and said he had been in America, rpper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and oth<'r towns, and he'd never mot a man he liked as much as he did mo. '• Lot us," ho added, " lot us to the shrine of Bachus !" And he dragged me into a jmblie house. I was determined to pay, so I said, " Mr. Bachus, giv this gfti'l'- man what ho calls for." We Conversed there in a very plea- sant manner till my dinner-time arrove, when the agreo'blo gen'l'man insisted that I should *liiie ^vitli him. " We'll have a banquet, i^^U', lU f<>r the gods I" I told him that good plain vittles would soot me. If the gods wafit/>d to have the dispopsy, they was welcome to it. We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines of rare and costly vintige. Wo had ices and we had froots from* Greenland's icy mounting and Injy's coral strands ; and when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agreo'- ble man said he'd unfortnitly left liis pocket-book at home on the marble center-table. " But, by Jove !" ho said, " it was a feast fit for the gods !" I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss ; tho' I in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was there to pay for it. I come of a very clever fam'ly. The agreo'blo gentleman then said, " Now, I will show you our Club. It 22 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. ■I dates back to the time of William the Conqueror." " Did Bill belong to it ?" I inquired. « He did." " Wall," I said, " if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other endorsement as to its respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my gay trooper boy !" And we went off arm-in-arm. On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in evenin' dress. He said it was agin the rools of the club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be instantly expeld. " And yit," he added, " there's geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and intelleck. You'll be surprised at the quantities of intelleck you'll see there." We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they was a shaky-look- ing lot, and the public house where they convened was certingly none of the best. The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome. "• What a beautiful breastpin you've got," said one of 'em. " Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. " Isn't it luuly," he said, parsin it to another, who passed it to another. It was given me by my Aunt, on my promism her I'd never swear profanely ; and I never have, except on very special occasions. I see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to another, and I'm reminded of them sad words of the poit, " parsin away ! parsin away !" I never saw it no more. Then in comes a athletic female, who no sooner sees me than she utters a wild yell, and cries : " At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim, fi\>m the seas*!" I said, " Not at all, Marm. Not on no account. I have heard the boat- swain pipe to quarters — ^but a voice in my heart didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I've belayed the marlinspikes on the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much. Young woman, I am not you're Saler boy. Far different." " Oh yes, you are ! " she howled, seizin me round the neck. " Oh, how I've lookt forwards to this meetin !" " And you'll presently," I said," have a opportunity of lookin backwards to it, because I'm on the point of leavin this institution." I will here observe that I come of a very clever fam'ly. A very clever fam'ly, indeed. " Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself from the eccen- tric female's claws, " where is the Cap- ting — the man who was in the Crimea, amidst the cannon's thunder ? I want him." . ■ He came forward, and cried, " What do I see ? Me Sister ! me sweet Adu- laide ! and in teers ! Willin !" he screamed, " and you're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are you ? — You ought to be ashamed of yourself." Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brestpin. Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street. It was about 12 at night when I reached the Greenlion. " Ha ! ha ! you sly old rascal, you've been up to larks !" said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my ribs. IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 28 I said, " Bigsby, if you do that a^n, I shall hit you ! Much as I respect you and your excellent fam'ly, I shall dis- figger your beneverlent countenance for Mel" "^Vhat has ruffled your spirits, friend ?" said the landlord. " My spirits has been ruffled," I ansorod in a bittur voice, " by a viper good who was into the Crhnea. What was it," I cried, " for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its, ruins that viper ?" I then went to bed. I come of a very clever fam'ly. Artemus Wakd. VI. THE TOWER OF LONDON If! Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I skurcely need inform you that your ex- cellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I fcund waitin at the gates the other mornin. I saw at once that tlie Tower v as es- tablished on a firm basis. In the entire history of fii-m basisis I don't find a basis more firmer than this one. " You have no Tower in America ?" said a man in the crowd, who had some- how detected my denomination. " Alars ! no," I anserd ; " we bostc of our enterprise and improovments, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onhappy country ! thou has not cot no Tower! It's a swCet Boon. The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist tickets, and went mto a waitin-room. " My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black ciose, " this is a sad day." " Inasmuch as to how ?" I said. " I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a tear !" " No," I said, " you must excuse me. Others may drop one if they feel like it ; but as for me, I decline. The early managers of this institootion were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly orful ; but I can't sob for those who died four or five himdred years ago. If they was my own relations I couldn't. It's ab- surd to shed sobs o\'er things which occurd durin the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I con- tinnerd. " Look at the fcstiv Warders, in their red flannil jackets. They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us ?" A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Tratcr's Gate, the armors, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about twenty trators abrest, I should jcdge ; but beyond this, I couldn't see that it was superior to gates in gen'ral. Traters, I will here remark, are a onfortnit class of peple. If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They con- spire to bust up a country — they fail, and they're traters. They bust her, and they become statesmen and heroes. Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who mav be seen at the Tower, on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat — take Mr. Gloster's case. Mr. G. was a conspirater of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded, and became great. He was slewd by Col. Richmond, but he lives in histry, and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a six-pence, in conjunction with other cm'nent per- sons, and no extra charge for the War- der's able and bootiful lectnr. i < THE TOWER OF LONDON 25 There's one king in this room who is mounted onto a foamin steed, his right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't loam his name. The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cuttlery I notist the bow and arrer which tho3e hot-heded old chaps used to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and arrer used at this day by certin tribes of Ameri- can • Injuns, and they shoot 'cm off wth such a excellent precision that I almost sigh'd to bo a Injun, when I was in the Rocky Mountin regin. They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Sho- slioncs, whose chief said, " Brothers ! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers ! the sun is sinkin in the West, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speak- in. Brothers ! the poor red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink." He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all our blankets and whisky, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions. I will remark here, while on the sub- jeck of Injuns, that they are in the main a vci" shaky set, with even less sense than the Fenians, and when I hear pliilanthropists bewailin the fack that every yet- 1- " carries the noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm^ glad of it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. ^They call you by the sweet name of Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their Thomashawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower. At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax figger of Queen Filizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuflcd boss, v.hose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red morockcr nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of the ^ royal burden he bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady . She's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre^ where Two to the Core is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audiens the idee that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment he conkers that town. But a very interesting dram- mer is Troo to the Core, notwithstandin the eccentric conduck of the Spanish Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet. The Warder shows us some instroo- ments of tortur, such as thumbscrews, throat-collars, etc., statin that these was conkerd from the Spanish Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them days — which eUssited from a bright- eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards usin thumb- screws, when we was in a Tower where so many poor peple's heads had been cut oiF. This made the Warder stammer and turn red. I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years older. I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had sand- wiches, sassiges, etc The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop a tear 26 THE TOWEU OP LONDON. aforo we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth, that I expected to see him choke hissclf to death, he said to me, in the Beau- champ Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy names on the cold walls " This is a sad sight." " It is, indeed," I anserd. " You're hlack in the face. You shouldn't cat sassige in pubUc without-some rehearsals beforehand. You manage it orkwardly." "No," he said, "I mean this sad room." Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefiFul things hap- pened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'blc surprise it would be to send a slm'lar one home to my wife ; and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown like that. He told me, but on cypherin up with a pen- cil the amount of funs I have in the Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch instid. And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang. I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of a four- wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a deep sigh as I gave him two shillings. " I'll give you six d.^a more," I said, " if it hurts you so." " It isn't that," he said, with a hart- rendin groan, " it's only a way I have. My mind's upset to-day. I at one time tho't I'd drive you into the Thames. I've been readin all the daily papers to try and understand about Governor Ay re, and my mind is totterin. It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into the Thames." I asked the onliappy man what his number was, so I could redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good-bye. And then I tho't what a frollicksome day I'd made of it. » Respectably, &c. Artemus Waed. REFORM *°HN BRiCHi " Has my clothin' a 'Welchy appearance ? "Seepage 13 VII. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. Mr. Pdnch, My dear Sir, — I was a little disapinted in not receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science Congress. I don't exackly see how they go on without me. I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood me from their deli- brations. L6t it pars. I do not repine. Let us remember Homer. Twenty cites claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin '•n 28 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. ^•i I! Mr. Homer coldn't have got trusted foi* a sandwich and a glass of bitter beer, or words to that effeck. But perhaps it was a oversight. Certinly I have been hosspitably rec'd in this country. Hospitality has been pored all over me. At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks, which are nine miles long ; and I don't re- member a instance since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a Briton comin and perlitely shuttin the door for me, and then extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, welcum me to Ilngland?* Doesn't he? Oh yes— I guess he doesn't he. And it's quite right aipon^; two great countries which speak the same langwidge, except as regards H's. And- I've been allowed to walk round all the streets. Even at Buckinham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there, and he said I could walk round there. I ascertained subsequent that he referd to the side-walk instid of the Pallis — but I couldn't doubt his hosspital feelins. I prepared a Essy on Animals to read before the Social Science meetins. It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have successfully wrastlcd with. I tackled it when only nineteen years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Institoot entitled, " Is Cats to be Trusted ? " Of the merits of that Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for menti nui that the In- stitoot parsed a resolution that ' ■ whether we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of it, and we hope it will be read in other towns." Of course the Easy I writ for the Social Science Society is a more fin- isheder production than the one on Cats, which was wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a graceful and ellygant stile of composi- tion. I could not even punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe with pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its beauty is in one or two instances mar'd by ingram- maticisms. This was unexcusable, and I'm surprised I did it. A writer who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut .up shop. You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some day when you have four hours to spare, I'll read it to you. I think youTl enjoy it. Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest— omit all pictures in next week's Punchy and do not let your contributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday ; they can go to the British Mooseum;) and publish my Essy intire. It will fill all your coUumes full, and create comment. Does this proposition strike you? Is it a go ? In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had intended it should be the closin attraction. I had intended it should finish the proceedins. I think it would have finished them. I understand animals better than any other class of human creatures. I have a very animal mind, and I've been identifi(d with 'em doorin my entire perfessional career as a showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and serpunts. The leopard is as lively a apimal a^ I SCIENCI5 AND i^ATtJRAL HISTORY. 29 ever came into contack with. It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the case of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive manner. In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell and kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over the head. This would make the children inside the booth scream with fright, which would make fathers of families outside the booth very anxious to come in — ^because there is a large class of parents who have a imcontroU- able passion for takin then: children to places where they will stand a chance of being frightened to death. One day I whacked this leopard mo^ than ushil, which elissited a remon- strance from a tall gentleman in spec- tacles, who said, "My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal. Rather fondle him." "I'll fondle him with a club," I anserd, hittin him another whack. "I prithy desist," said the gentleman ; " stand aside, and see the effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncrar cies of these creeturs better than you do." With that he went up to the cage, and thrustui his face in between the iron bars, ho said, soothinly, " Come hither, pretty creetur." The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion with. He said, "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin dangerous and immoral animals." J leplied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't meddle with their idiotsyn- cracies." > • The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure. As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interestin things, but they're on- reliable. I had a very largo grizzly bear once, who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry. But he often annoyed me. It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city, maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would have done credit to the cele- brated French steed Gladiateur. Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat; and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition in Ohio— I said, " Brewin, are you not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat ? " His business was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a barrel orgin and a wiolin) playing slow and melancholly moosic. What did the grizzly old cuss do, however, but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous manner. I had a namer escape from bemg im- prisoned for disloyalty. I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid Bear. I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur — showing the Bear's fondness 80 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. for hia Master : in which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on ray breast, the Band playing " Home, Sweet ffome,^' very Soft and slow. Altho' I say it, it was a tuchin thing to see . I've seen Tax- Collectors weep over that performance. Well, one day I said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, wo will now show you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid down. I tho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes, as ho rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the scene which foUerd. He laid down, and put his paw on my breast. " Affection of the bear for hjs Master," I repeated. " You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a sub- • jugated state. Fierce as these animals natrally are, we now see that they have hearts, and can love. This Bear, the largest in the world, and mesurin seven- teen feet round the body, loves mo as a mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what was my horror when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw hiS other paw under me, and riz with me to his feet. Then claspin mo in a close embrace he waltzed up and down the platform in a fr;.^tfid manner, I yellin with, fear and anguish. To make matters wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out, " Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick moosic ! " I jest 'scaped with my life. •The Bear met with a wiolent death the next day, by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off by one of my men. But you should hear my Easy which I wrote for the Social Science Meetins. It would have had a movin effock on them. I feel that I must now conclood. I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we shall now hoar from John Derby. I trust that not only they, but Wm. E. Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly to those great fundamental principles, which they understand far better than I do, and I will add that I do not under- stand anything about any of them what- ever in tho least — and let us all be happy, and live within our mdans, even if we have to borrer money to do it with. Very respectively yours, Artemus Ward. v-» p i- vm. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH lilUSEUM. Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a drefflo shock. I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Regent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called a cab and told the driver to run his boss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful cramps, my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero. But by careful nussih I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather eoutinners. [All of the foregoin is sarcasum.] It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent British Mooseum till the other day. I've sent a great many peple there, as also to your genial "Tower of" London, however. It hap- pened thusly : When one of my excellent countrymen jest arrived in Lpndon would come and see me and display a inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect for mo which I feel I do not deserve, I Avould siigjest a visit to the Mooseum and Tow^r. The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at leest, aud the Tower another. Thus I've derived considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisscs, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis. There's my fren Col. Lar- kins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and ho writes me that he can't never thank me sutH- cient for directin him to so intorestin a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intel- lectooal age which wouldn't countenance such infamus things as occurd in this Tower. I'm aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't so clear that the Col. is altogether right. This is a very respectable age, but it's pretty easily riled; and considerin upon how slight a provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each other's throats, it may perhaps bo doubted whether our intellecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was, after all. I alius ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble parentage, but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the spirit of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler, and I feel much eagler when I'm in the open air. So on the momin on wMch I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me there as 32 A Visit TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. ' ! quick as his Arabian charger could go. The driver was under the inflooenco of beer, and narrerly escaped runnin over a aged female in the match trade, whereupon I remonstratid with him. I said, " That poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I said, " You have a mother ? " Ho said, '' You lie ! " I got down and called another cab, but said nothin to this driver about his parents. The British Mooseum is a magnifcent free show for the people. It is kept open for the benefit of all. The humble costymongcr, who tra- verses the busy streets with a cart con- taininall kinds of vegetablcii', ?uch as carrots, turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jackass — ho can go to the Moo- seum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of high degree. « And this," I said, " is the British Mooseum ! These noble walls," I con- tinnerd, punchiu;^ them with my umbrel- ler to see if the masonry was all right — but I wasn't allowd to finish my enthoo- siastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls. I told him I would do so by all means. " You see," I said, taking hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and drawin him close to me in a confidential way, " You see, I'm lookin round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it." Instid of larfin hartily at these re- marks, which was made in a goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and "walked away. I first visited the stufied animals, of which the gorillers interested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, altho' they are not allowed to vote. In this depart- ment is one or two superior giraffes. I never wouldcd I were a bird, but I've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long distance from his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if lie loved beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while going doAvn as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it is vilp stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it only shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what's good ; but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely as though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin' to the devil that I know of. I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mummy s, the Greek vasis, etc., but it occurd to mo there was rayther too many "Roman anti- quitys of a uncertin date . ' ' Now, I like* the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all '' of a uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zactly determin whether they are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is a Roman jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm me with emotions. Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubtless vallyable property, but, like the de- bentures of the London, Chatham and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many of them. A rrSIT TO THE BRITISH MUSE ^M. 83 I waa debarred dut of the icat readin-room. A man told mo I must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get somebody to testify that I was respectable. I'm a little 'fraid I shan't get in there. Scein a elderly gentleman, with a beneverlenfc-lookin face near by, I ventured to ask him if he would certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that would do mo any good. A thought struck me. " I refer you to Mr. Punch,^^ I said. " Well," said a man, who had lis- tened to my application, "you have done it now ! You stood some chance before . " I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent journal. The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute . A young yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with silent admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would bo swearin in a honible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head with a hay- fork ; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a changed bein. I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand tho oxpens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to some taJented sculpist. " I feel," I said, "that this is a dooty I owe to posterity." Ho su. ^ it was hily prob'l, bii*^ he was inclined to ujink that tho B Ii natioTi >vouldn't are to enrich tl MoQseur mi)\ a bust of me, altho' he entured .o think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheer- fully by Madame Tussaud, who would give it a prom'nent position in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was very polite, and I thankt him kindly. After visitin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a chicken " of a uncertin age," like the Roman anti- quitys I have previsly spoken of, I pre- pared to leave. As I passed through the animal room I observed with pano that a benevolint person was urgin tho stufit elephant to accept a cold mu£5n, but I did not feel called on to remon- strate with him, any more than I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behind the Ry- nosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carried me back to the siuiny spring-time of wy life. I'm in tho shear and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through mo like folllii off the roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentle hand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did me good. Trooly yours, Artbmus Ward. .^,. nil i I IX. PYROTECIINY. I. — TIIB PEACEFUL HAMLET Nestling among tho grand hills of Now Ilampshiro, in tho United States of America, i3 a village called Water- bury. Perhaps you were never there. I do not censure you if you neijcr were. One can get on very well without going to Waterbury. Indeed, there are millions of meritori- ous persons who were never there, and yet they are happy. In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named Pettingill. Reuben Pettingill. lie was an agriculturist. A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist. Ho was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet. Ho said it was better than a noisy Othello. • Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first class manner. II. — MYSELF. I write this romance in the French style. Yes : something that way. The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs as possible. Thus one may fill up a coUumn in a very short time. I am paid by the collumn, and tho quicker I can fill up a collumn — but this is a matter to which wo will not refer. Wo will let this matter pass. III. — PETTINGILL. Reuben Pettingill was extremely in- dustrious. Ho worked hard all the year round on his father's little farm. Right he was ! Industry is a very fine thing. It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge. Yet do not frown, " do not weep for me," when I state thai I don't like it. It doesn't agree with me. I prefer indolence. I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without per- forming any* kind of labour, and at tho expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months. This should not surprise you. Nothing that a modern novellist does should excite astonishment in any well- regulated mind. IV. — INDEPENDENCE DAY. The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, and processions, and banners, and all those things. PYROTECIINY. 85 You know why wo colobrato this day. Tho American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps ono of tho finest revolutions that was over seen. But I have no tinio to give you a full history of the American Revolution. It would con- sume year.s to do it,and I might weary you. Ono 4th of July, Reuben Pittingill went to Boston. He saw great sights. IIo saw tho dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, tho banners, and, above all, ho saw tho fireworks. I despise myself for using so low a word, but tho fireworks " licked" him. A now world was opened to this young man. Ho returned to his parents and the little farm among the hills, with his heart full of fireworks. Ho said, " I will make some myself" He said this while eating a lobster on top of tho coach. He was an extraordinarily skilful young man in the use of a common clasp-knife. With that simple weapon he could make from soft wood, horses, dogs, cats, &c. He carved excellent soldiers also. I remember his masterpiece. It was " Napoleon crossing the Alps." Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of Alps. An Alp or two more would have im- proved it: but, as a whole, ft was a wonderful piece of work ; and what a wonderful piece of work is a wooden man, when his legs and arms are all right. V. — WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAIA. He said, " I can make just as good fireworks as them in Boston." *' Them " was not grammatical, but why care for grammar us long us wo are good ? VI. — THE father's TEARS. Pettingill neglected the farm. Ho Biyd that it might till itself — ho should manufacture some gorgeous fire- works, and exhibit them on the village green on tho next 4th of July. He said tho Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their humble roof ere many months should pass away. " If ho does," said old Mr. Pettingill, "^vo must shoot him, and bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of meat, my son, if you go on in this lazy way." And the old man wept. IIo shed over 120 gallons of tears. That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let us avoid turning this ro- mance into a farce. VII. — PYROTECHNY. But the headstrong young man went to work, making fireworks. He bought and carefully studied a work on pyrotechny. Tho villagers knew that he was a re- markably skilful young man, and they all said, " We shall have a great treat next 4th of July." Meanwhile Pettingill worked away. VIII. — THE DAY. The great day came at last. Thousands poured into the little vil- lage from far and near. There was an oration, of course. ill 36 PYROTECHNY. m IX. — ORATORY IN AMERICA. Yes ; there was an 6ratiou. We have a passion for oratory in America — political oratory chiefly. Our political orators never lose a chance to " express their views." They will do it. You cannot stop them. There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff, before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him if he had any remarks to make ? " If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows — " if our ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech, and is in no hurry, I should like to avail my- self of the present occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a now protective tariff!" X. — pettinqill's fireworks. As I said in Chapter viii., there was an oration. There were also proces- sions, and guns, and banners. " This evening," said the chairman of the committee of arrangements, " this evening, fellow-citizens, there vail be a grand display of fireworks on the village green, sui^erintended by the inventor and manufacturer, our public-spirited townsman, Mr. Reuben Pettingill." Night closed in, and an immense con- course of people gathered on the village green. On a raised platform, amidst his fire- works, stood Pettingill. He felt that the great hour of his life was come, and, in a firm, clear voice, he said: "The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, whit', will go up in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint." He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up in the air, it flew wildly down into the grass, running some distance with a hissing kind of sound, and causing the masses to jump round in a very insane manner. Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened. Ho tried again. " The next fireworks," he said, *' will go up in the air, bust, and become a beautiful revolvin' wheel." But, alas ! it did'nt. It only ploughed a little furrow in the green grass, like its unhappy predecessor. The masses laughed at this, and one man — a white-haired old villager — said, kindly but firmly, " Reuben, I'm 'fraid you don't understand pyrotechny." Reuben was amazed. Why did his rockets go down instead of up ? But, perhaps, the others would be more suc- cessful ; and with a flushed face, and in a voice scarcely as firm as before, he said : " The next specime'n of pyrotechny will go up in the air, bust, and become a eagle. Said eagle will soar away into the western skies, leavin' a red trail behind him as he so soars." But, alas ! agaici. No eagle soared, but, on the contrary, that ordinarily proud bird buried its head in the grass. The people were dissatisfied. They made sarcastic remarks. Some of them howled angrily. The aged man, who had before spoken, said, " No, Reuben, yovu evidently don't understand pyro- techny." Pettingill boiled with rage and dis- appointment. PYROTECHNY. 87 " You don't understand pyrotechny !" the masses shouted. Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some unfeeling lads threw dirt at our hero. " You don't understand pyrotechny !" the masses yelled again. " Don't I ? " screamed Pettmgill, wild with rage ; " don't you think I do ? " Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a box of powder, and touched the whole off. This rocket went up. It did, indeed. There was a terrific explosion. . No one was killed, fortunately ; though many were injured. The platform was almost torn to pieces. But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettingill, his face flashing with wild triumph ; and he shouted : " If I'm any judge of pyrotechny, iAai rocket has went off." Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been taken close off in the explosion, he added : " And I ain't so dreadful certain but four of my fingers has went off with it, because I don't see 'em here now I ■ ' +•', X. THE NEGRO QUESTION. I WAS sitting in the bai', quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when two middle- aged and stern-lookin females and a young and pretty female suddenly entered the room. They were accom- panied by two umbrellers and a negro gentleman. " Do you feel for the down- trodden ? " said one of the females, a thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in green spectacles. " Do I feel for it ?" ansered. the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice — " Do I feel for it ?" " Yes ; for the oppressed, the benited?" "Inasmuch as to which ?" said the lan'lord. " You see this man ?" said the female, pintin her umbreller at the negro gentleman. " Yes, marm, I see him." " Yes !" said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high pitch, " you see him, and he's your brother !" " No, I'm darned if he is !" said the lan'lord, hastily re- treatin to his beer-casks. " And yours !" shouted the excited female, addresbin me. " He Is also your brother !" " No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. " The nearest we come to that color in our family was the case of my brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but they finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the present time, he hasn't a solitary jander." " Look at this man 1" screamed the female. I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed, comfortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heave three or four good meals a day into him without a murmer. " Look at that down-trodden man!" cried the female. " Who trod on him ? " I inquired. " Villains ! despots ! " " Well," said the lan'lord, " why don't you go to the willing about it? Why do you come here tellin us niggers is our brothers, and bracdishin your um- brellers round' like a lot of lunytics ? You'r wuss than the sperrit-rappers?" " Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a quieter sort of person, " have you no sentiment — no poetry in your soul — ^no love for the beautiful ? Dost never go into the green fields to cull the beautiful flowers ?" "I not only never dost," said the landlord in an angry voice, " but I'll bet you five pound you can't bring a man as dares say I durst." " The little birds," continued the female, " dost not love to gaze onto them ?" " I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou?" I humoroiisly sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty young woman. " Don't you look in that way at my dawter I" said female No. 1, in a violent voice ; " you're old enough to be her father." " 'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. " You be- hold in me an emblem of innocence and purity. In fact, I start for Rome by the first train to-morrow to sit as a model to a celebrated artist who is about THE NEGRO QUESTION. 89 to sculp a statue to be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculpei* would send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was overflowing with innocency ? Don't make a error about me." "It is my opinyn," said the leading female, " that you're a scoffer and a wretch? Your mind is in a wusser beclouded state than the poor negroes we are seeking to aid. You ai'e a groper in the dark cellar of sin. sinful man ! There is a sparkling fount, Come, come, and drinlc. No: you will not come and drink." " Yes, ho will," said the landlord, " if you'll treat. Jest try him." " As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, " you're a degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to." " This is the sparkhn fount for me, dear sister ! " cried the lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered which goak, he gave a low rumblin larf, and relapst into silence. " My colored fren," 1 said to the negro, kindly, " what is it all about ?" He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries to the Southern States in America to preach to the vast numbers of negroes recently made free there . He said they were without the gospel. They were without tracts. I said, " My fren', this is a seris matter. I admjre you for try- ing to help the race to which you belong, and far be it from me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks of the South. Let them co to them by all means. But I happen to individually know that there are some thousands of liberated blacks in the South who are starvin. I don't blame anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last winter, and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux. Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the gospel, the idea is really a excellent one. If, on the t'other hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is that it's a hard case for the niggers. If you expect a colored person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck is empty, you expect too much," I gave negro as much as I could afford, and the kind- hearted lan'lord did the same. I said, " Farewell, my colored fren', I wish you well, certainly. You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar. But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while liis stummack yearns for vittles. And you, ladies — I hope you afe ready to help the poor and unfortu- nate at home, as you seem to help the poor and unfortunate abroad." When they had gone, the lan'lord said, " Come into the garden. Ward." And we went and culled some carrots for dinner. 1 • ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. Artemus "Ward as Capting of the Home Gaaxis.^Sec page 15. PART II. I.— ABOUT EDITORS. We hear a great deal, and something too much about the poverty of editors. It is common for editors to parade their poverty and joke about it in their papers. We see these witticisms almost every day of our lives. Sometimes the editor does the " vater vorks business," as Mr. Samuel Weller called weeping, and makes pathetic appeals to his sub- scribers. Sometimes he is in earnest when he makes these appeals, but Avhy •• on airth " does he stick to a business ' 111 I 42 ABOUT EDITORS. that will not support him decently ? Wc read of patriotic and lofty-minded individuals who sacrifice health, time, money, and perhaps life for the good of humanity, the Union and that sort of thing, hut we don't see them very often. Wo must say that Ave could count up all the lofty patriots in this line that we have ever seen, during our brief but chec- quered and romantic career, in less than half a day. A man who clings to a wretchedly paying business, when ho can make himself and others near and dear to him fatter and happier by doing something else, is about as near an ass as possible and not hanker after green grass and corn in the ear. The tj-uth is, editors as a class are very well fed, groomed and harnessed. They have some pains that otter folk do not have, and they also have some privileges which the community in general can't possess. While we would not advise the young reader to " go for an editor," we assure him he can do much worse. He mustn't spoil a flourishing blacksmith or popular victualer in making an indif- ferent editor of himself, however. Ho must be endowed with some fancy and imagination to enchain the public eye. It was Smith, we believe, or some other man with an odd name, who thought Shakspeare lacked the requisite fancy and imagination for a successful editor. To those persons who can't live by prmting papers we would say, in the language of the profligate boarder when dunned for his bill, being told at the same tune by the keeper of the house that he couldn't board people for no- thing, " sell out to somebody who can." In other words, fly from a business which don't remunerate. But as we intimated before, there is much gammon in the popular editorial cry of poverty. Just now wo see a touching para- . graph floating through the papers to the effect that editors don't live out half their years — that, poor souls ! they wear themselves out for the benefit of a cold and unappreciating world. We don't believe it. Gentle reader, don't swal- low it. It is a footlight trick to work on your feelings. For ourselves, let us say, that unless wc slip up considerably on our calculations, it will be a long time before our fellow-citizens will have the melancholy pleasure of erecting to our memory a towering monument of Parian marble on the Public Square. Items. — They are very " scarce." Readers may complain at the lack of local news in our papers, but where can we get it ? We are in about as bad a fix as the French leader of the orchestra in a theatre " Out West" was. He was flourishing his baton in the most frantic manner — the fiddles were squeaking — the brass instruments were braying — the cymbals were clashing, and the orchestra was making all the noise it possibly could. But a man in the pit wasn't satisfied. " Louder ! louder ! louder !" he yelled. The French leader dropped his baton in despair, wiped the perspiration from his brow, told the orchestra to cease playing, and violently spoke as follows : — " The gen'lman may cry loud-AR as much as he please, but vere we get de wind, by gar ?" A few hours of active study will show the reader that the comparL sou is a good one. 43 EDITING. Before you go for an Editor, young man, pause and take a big think ! Do not rush into the Editorial harness rashly. Look around and see if there is not an omnibus to drive — some soil somewhere to be tilled — a clerkship on some meat cart to be filled — anything that ia reputable and healthy, rather than going for an Editor, which is hard business at best. We are not a horse, and consequently have never been called upon to furnish the motive power for a threshing ma- chine ; but we fancy that the life of the Editor, who is forced to write, write, write, whether he feels right or not, is much like that of the steed in question. If the yeas and neighs could be obtained, Ave believe the intelligent horse would decide that the threshing machine is preferable to the sanctum Editorial. The Editor's work is never done. He is drained incessantly, and no wonder that he dries up preiftaturely. Other people can attend banquets, weddings, etc. ; visit halls of dazzling light, get inebriated, break windows, lick a man occasionally, and enjoy themselves in a variety of ways ; but the Editor cannot. He must stick tenaciously to his quill. The press, like a sick baby, mustn't be left alone for a minute. If the press is left to run itself even for a day, some absurd person indignantly orders the carrier-boy to stop bringing " that infei'- nal paper.. There's nothing in it. I won't have it in the house!" The elegant Mantalini, reduced to mangletuming, described his life as "'a dem'd horrid grind." The life of the Editor is all of that. But there is a good time coming, wo feel confident, for the Editor. A time when he will be appreciated. ^Vhen ho will have a front seat. When ho will have pie every day, and wear store clothes continually. When the harsh cry of " stop my paper " will no more grate upon his ears. Courage, ISIes- sieurs the Editors ! Still, sanguine as we are of the coming of this jolly time, we advise the aspirant for Editorial honors to pause ere he takes up the quill as a means of obtaining his bread and butter. Do not, at least, do so until ' you have been jilted several dozen times by a like number of girls ; until you have been knocked down stairs and soused in a horse-pond ; until all the " gushing " feelings within you have been thoroughly subdued ; until, in short, your hide is of rhinoceros thick- ness. Then, aspirants for the bubble reputation at the press's mouth, throw yourselves among the inkpots, dust, and cobwebs of the printing oflSce, if you will. * * * Good my lord, will you see the Editors well bestowed ? Do you hear, let them be well used, for they are the abstract and brief chronicles of the time.. After your death you had better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live.- Hamlet, sligldly altered. 44 m. MORALITY AND GENIUS We sec it gravely stated in a popular Metropolitan journal that " true genius goes hand in hand, necessarily, with morality." Tlie statement is not a startlingly novel one. It has been made, probably, about sixty thousand times before. But it is untrue and foolish. Wc wish genius and morality were affectionate companions, but it is a fact that they are often bitter enemies. They don't necessarily coalesce any more than oil and water do. Innumer- able instances may be readily produced in support of this proposition. Nobody doubts that Sheridan had genius, yet he was a sad dog. Mr. Byron, the author of Childe Harold " and other poems," was a man of genius, we think, yet Mr. Byron was a fearfully fast man. Edgar A. Poe wrote magnificent poetry and majestic prose, but he was in private life hardly the man for small and select tea parties. We fancy Sir Richard Steele was a man of genius, but he got disreputably drunk, and didn't pay his debts. Swift had genius — an immense lot of it — ^yet Swift was a cold-blooded, pitiless, bad man. The catalogue might be spun out to any length, but it were useless to do it. We don't mean to intimate that men of genius must neces- sarily be sots and spendthrifts — we merely speak of the fact that very many of them have been both, and in some instances much worse than both. Still we can't well see (though some think they can) how the pleasure and instruction people derive from reading the productions of these great lights is diminished because their morals were "lavishly loose." They might have written better had their private lives been purer, but of this nobody can determine, for the pretty good reason that nobody knows. So with actors. We have seen people stay away from the theatre because Mrs. Grundy said the star of the even- ing invariably retired to his couch in a state of extreme inebriety. If the star is afflicted with a weakness of this kind, we may regret it. We may pity or censure the star. But we must still acknowledge the star's genius, and ap- plaud it. Hence we conclude that the chronic weaknesses of actors no more affect the question of the propriety of patronizing theatrical representations, than the profligacy of journeymen shoe- makers affects the question of the pro- priety of wearing boots . All of which is respectfully submitted. 45 IV. POPULARITY. I no more What a queer thing is popularity. Bill Pug Nose of the " Plug-Uglies " ac([uire8 a world-wide reputation by smashing up the "champion of light weights," sets up a Saloon upon it, and realizes the first month; while our Missionary, who collected two hundred blankets last August, and at that time saved a like numbei- of little negroes in the West Indies from freezing, has re- ceived nothing but the yellow fever. The Hon. Oracular M. Matterson be- comes able to withstand any quantity of late nights and bad brandy, is elected to Congress, and lobbies through con- tracts by which he realizes some $50,000, while private individuals lose $100,000 by the Atlantic Cable. Con- tracts are popular — the cable isn't. Fiddlers, Prima-Donnas, Horse Operas, learned pigs, and five-legged calves travel through the country, reaping " golden opinions," while editors, inven- tors, professors and humanitarians gen- erally, are starving in garrets. Revivals of religion, fashions, summer resorts, and pleasure trips, are exceedingly popular, while trade, commerce, chloride of lime, and all the concomitants necessary to render the inner life of denizens of cities tolerable, are decided- ly NGN EST. Even water, which was so popular and populous a few weeks agone, comes to us in such stinted sprinklings that it has become popular to supply it only from hydrants in suflS- cient quantities to raise one hundred disgusting smells in a distance of two blocks. Monsieur Rcvierre, with nothing but a small name and a large quantity of hair, makes himself exceedingly popu- lar with hotel-keepers and a numerous progeny of female Flaunts and Blounts, while Felix Smooth and Mr. Chink, who persistently set forth their personal and more substantial marital charms through the columns of the New York Herald, have only received one interview each — one from a man in female attire, and the other from the keeper of an unmention- able house. Popularity is a queer thing, very. If you don't believe us, try it ! Dull. — It is a scandalous fact that this city is desperately and fearfully barren of incident. No " dem'd, moist unpleasant bodies " are fished up out of the river; no ambitious young female runs off with her " feller ; " no stabbings, gougings, or fisticuffs occur ; no eminent merchant suspends ; no banker or railroad man defaults, and not even a dog-fight disturbs the rigid and corpse-like quiet of the city. We want a murder. We insist upon having a murder. A manslaughter won't do. It must be murder, premeditated, foul, and unnatural. It must be a luscious murder, abounding in soul-harrowing incidents. Some " man in human shape" must chop the heads of his entire family off with a meat-axe, or insert a butcher-knife ingeniously under their fifth ribs. Let murder be done. Bring on your murderers. We want to be Rochestered 4G A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. i . An enterprising traveling agent for a well-known Cleveland Tomb Stone Manufactory lately made a business visit to a small town in an adjoining county. Hearing, in the village, that a man in a remote part of the township bad lost his wife, ho thought ho would go and see him and offer him consola- tion and a gravestone, on his usual reasonable terras. He started. The road was a frightful one, but the agent persevered, and finally arrived at the bereaved man's house. Bereaved man's hired girl told the agent that the bereaved man was splitting fence rails " over in the pastur, about two milds." Tlie indefatigable agent hitched his horse and started for the "pastur." After falling into all manner of mud- holes, scratching himself with briars, and tumbling over decayed logs, the agent at length found the bereaved man. In a subdued voice he asked the man if he had lost liis wife. The man said he had. The agent was very sorry to hear of it, and sympathized with the man very deeply in his great affliction ; but death, ho said, was an insatiate archer, and shot down all, both of high and low degree. Informed the man that " what was his loss was her gain," and would be glad to sell him a grave- stone to mark the spot where the beloved one slept — marble or common stone, as he chose, at prices defying competition. The bereaved man said there was " a little diflBculty in the way." " Haven't you lost your wife ?" inquired the agent. " Why yes, I have," said the man, " but no grave stun ain't necessary : you see the cussed critter ain't dead. She*s scooted with another man!" The agent retired. , 47 VI. OTHELLO. Everybody knows that this ia one of I\Ir. W. Shakespeare's best and most attractive plays. The public k more familiar with Othello than any other of " the great Bard's" efforts. It is the most quoted from by writers and orators, Hamlet perhaps excepted, and provincial theatres seem to take more delight in doing it than almost any other play extant, legitimate or other- wise. The scene is laid in Venice. Othello, a warm-hearted, impetuous and rather verdant Moorish gentleman, con- siderably in the military line, falls in love and marries Desdemona, daughter of the Hon. Mr. Brabantio, who repre- sents one of the " back districts" in the Venetian Senate. The Senator is quite vexed at this-^rends his linen and swears considerably — ^but finally dries up, re- questing the Moor to remember that Desdemona has deceived her Pa, and bidding him to look out that she don't Ukewise come' it over him, " or words to that effect." Mr. and Mrs. Othello get along veiy pleasantly for awhile. She is sweet-tempered and affectionate — a nice, sensible woman, not at all inclined to pantaloons, he-female conventions, pickled-beets and other " strong-minded" arrangements. He is a likely man and " a good provider." But a man named lago, who we believe wants to get Mr. 0. out of his snug government berth that he may go into it, systematically and effectually ruins the Othello house- hold. Had there been a Lecompton Constitution up, lago would have been an able and eloquent advocate of it, and would thus have got Othello's position, for the^ Moor would have utterly repu- diated that pet scheme of the Devil and several other gentlemen, whose names we omit out of regard for the feelings of their parents. Lecompton wasn't a " test," however, and lago took another course to oust Othello. He fell in with a brainless young man named Roderigo and won all of his money at euchre, (lago always played foul.) We suppose he did this to procure funds to help him carry out his vile scheme. Michael Cassio, whose first name ' ^uld imply that he was of the Irish persuasion, was the unfortunate individual selected by Mr. I. as his principal tool. This Cassio was a young officer of consid- erable promise and high moral worth. He yet unhappily had a weakness for drink, and through this weaknes Mr. 1. determined to " fetch him." He accordingly proposed a drinking bout with Michael. Michael drank faithfully every time, but lago adroitly threw his whiskey on the floor. While Cassio ia pouring the liquor down his throat lago 4§ OTHELLO. Binfi;a a popular })acchanalian son;;, the first verso of which ia us follows : Ami lot in« tho caniikin clink, clink, And li't mo tho canukiu clink : A solilifrV (V uiiin, A lifoV bnt u span, Why tlion let n Holilim- drink." And tho infatuated young man docs drink. The " canakin is clhikcd" until Michael gets as tight aa a l)oilcd owl. Ho has ahout seven inches of whiskey in him. He says he is sober, and thinks he can walk a crack wiih distinguished success. He then grows religious and " hopes to bo saved." Ho then wants to fight, and allows ho can lick a yard full of tho Venetian fancy. Ho falls in with Roderigo and proceeds to smash him. Montano undertakes to stop Cassio. when that intoxicated person stabs him, lago protends to be very sorry to see Michael conduct himself in this improper manner, and undertakes to smooth the thing over to Othello, who rushes in with a drawn sword and wants to know what's up. lago cunningly gives his villainous explanation, and Othello tells Michael that he loves him but he can't train in his regiment any more. Desdemona, the gentle and good, sympathizes with Cassio and intercedes for him with the Moor. lago gives the Moor to under- stand that she does this because she likes Michael better than she does his own dark-faced self, and intimate? that their relations (Desdemona's and Michael's) are of an entirely too friendly character. Tho Moor believes tho villain's yarn, I and commences making himself unhap{)y ' and disagreeable generally. lago tolls Othello what he heard Cassio say abotit " sweet Desdemona" in his dreams, but of cotirse the story was a creation of lago's fruitful l)rain — in short, a lie. Tlio poor Moor swallows it, though, and storms terribly. Ho grabs lago by tho throat and tells him to give him tho ocular proof. lago becomes virtuously indignant and is sorry he mentioned the subject to the Moor. The Moor relents and believes lago. Ho then tortures Desdemona with his foul suspicions, and finally smothers hor with a pillow while she is in bod. Mrs. lago, who ia a woman of spirit, comes in on the Moor just as ho has finished tho murder. She gives it to him right smartly, and shows him ho has been terribly deceived. Mr. lago enters. Mrs. lago pitches into him and ho stabs her. Othello gives him a piece of his mind and subsequently a piece of his sword. lago, with a sar- donic smile, says he bleeds but isn't hurt much. He then walks up to Othello, and with another sardonic smile, points to the death-couch of poor Desdemona. Ho then goes off. Othello tells the assembled dignitaries that he has done tho State some service and they know it ; asks them to speak of him as he is, and do as fair a thing as they can under the circumstances ; calls himself a cir- cumcised dog, and kills himself, which is the most sensible thing he can do. vn SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. There is sorao fun outaidc the Fair Ground. Any number of mountebanks have pitched their tonts there, and arc exhibiting all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There are some eloquent men among the show- men. Some of them are Demosthenic. Wo looked around among them during the last day wo honored the Fair with our brilliant presence, and were rather pleased at some things wo heard and witnessed. Tho man with the fat woman and the little woman and tho litttlo man was there. " 'Ero's a show now," said he, " worth seeing. 'Ere's a entertainment that improves tho morals. P. T. Bamum — ^you've all hcarn o' him. What did he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez P. T. Bamum, ' Sir, you have the damdist best show travelin' ! — and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents!" The maji with the blue hog was there. Says he, " GentleMEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery grate ten feet square and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred persons have seen this wonderful being this mornin', and they said as they come out, ' What can these 'ere things be 'f Is it alive ? Doth it breathe and have a being ? Ah yes, they say, it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as wo never saw afore. 'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents — 'ere's your change, Sir] own sublime handiworks' — and walk right in." The man with the wild mare was there. " Now, then, u\y friends, is your time to see tho gorratist qucoriosity in tho livin' world — a wild mare without no hair — captercd on tho roarin' wild prahayrics of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to sec this gcrratc exhibition. Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without scein' the State Fair, an' you >von't sec tho State Fair without you sec my show. Gcrratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small sum of fifteen cents." Two gentlemen conncctec^ with tlic press here walked up and Jiskrd the showman, in a still small voice, if ho extended the usual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested them to go in. Wliilo they were in some sly dog told him their names. When they came out tho show- man pretended to talk with thciji, though he didn't say a word. Tliey were evi- dently in a hurry. " There, gentlcMEN, what do y^u think them gentlemen say ? They air editors — editors, gentlcMEN — Mr. of the Cleveland , and Mr. of the Detroit , and they say it is tho gerratist show they ever seed in theirborn days !" [Nothing but tho tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could bo seen when the showman con- cluded this speech.] A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a gambling contriv- ance. Seeing two policemen approach, ha rapidly and ingeniously covered the dico up, mounted his table, and shouted : " 'Ere's the only great show on the 60 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNP,. grounds ! The highly trained and per- forming Mud Turtle with nine heads and seventeen tails, captured in a -well-forti- fied hencoop, after a desperate struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash ! ! " The facetious wretch esc:.ped. A grave, ministerial-looking and cldery man in a white choker had a gift-enterprise concern. " My friends,'' he solemnly said, " you will observe that this jewelry is elegant indeed, but I can afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can give it away. No blanks, my friends — all prizes — and only fifty cents a chance. I don't make anything myself, my friends — all I get goes to aid a sick woman — ni_y uunt in the country, gentlemen — and besides I like to see folks enjoy themselves !" The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave countenance. The man with the " wonderful calf with five legs and a burning head," and " the philosophical lung-tester," were there. Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other in- genious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen from the rural districts of their spare change. A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, which had been cut from his pocket by some thief. " You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you-can't-fool-me look. " Iv'e been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan', and know my bizniss aboard a propellar. Here's my money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloon's pocket. About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual rushing frantically around after a policeman. Somebody '^ad adroitly relieved him of HIS money. In his search for a police- man he encountered the young man who wasn't smart. "Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter, " by G — , I thought you was smart — I thought you had been to the State Fair before." The smart man looked sad for a moment, but ft knowing smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who wasn't smart confidentially towards him, said : " There wasn't only fifty cents in coppers in my pocket — my money is in my boot — they can't fool me — I've LEEN TO THE StATE FaIR BEFORE ! ! " He Declined " Biling. " — The students of the Conneaut Academy gave a theatrical entertainment a few winters ago. They " executed" Julius Csesar. Everything went off satisfac- torily until Caesar was killed in the market-place. The stage accommoda- tions were limited, and Caesar fell nearly under the stove in which there was a roaring fire. And when Brutus said — " People and Senators ! — bo not affrighted ; Fly not i stand still— ambition's debt is paid I" he was amazed to see Caesar rise upon his feet and nervously examine his scorched garments. " Lay down, you fool," shouted Brutus, wildly, " do you want to break up the whole thing?" " No," returned Caesar, in an excited manner, " I don't : I want to act out Gineral Caesar in good style, but I ain't goin' to bile under that cussed old stove for nobody !" This stopped the play, and the students abandoned theatricals forthwith. V'll. COLORED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. Theuw is a plain little mcctin^-house on Barnwell street in which the colored people — or a goodly portion of them — worship on Sundays. The seats are cushionless and have perpendicular backs. The pulpit is plain white — trimmed with red, it is true, but still a very unostentatious affair for colored people, who are supposed to have a decided weakness for gay hues. Should you escort a lady to this church and seat yourself beside her, you will in- fallibly be touched on the shoulder, and poUtely requested to move to the "gentle- men's side." Gentlemen and. ladies are not allowed to sit together in this church. They arc parted remorselessly. It is hard — we may say it is terrible — to be torn asunder in this way, but you have to submit, and of course you had better do so gracefully and pleasantly. Meeting opens with an old fashioned liymn, Avhich is very well sung indeed, by the congregation. Then the minister reads a hymn, which is simg by the choir on the front seats near the pulpit. Then the minister prays. He hopes no one has been attracted there by idle curiosity — to see or bo seen — and you naturally conclude that he is gently hitting you. ■ Another hymn follows the [n-ayer, and then wo have the discourse, wliich certainly has the merit of pecu- liarity and boldness. The minister's name is Jones. Ho don't mince matters at all. He talks about the " flames of hell" with a confident fierceness that must be quite refreshing to sinners. " There's no half-way about this," says he, " no by-paths. There arc in Cleve- land lots of men who go to church regularly, who behave well in meeting, and who pay their bills. They ain't Christians, though. They're gentlemen sinners. And whar d'ye spose they'll fetch up? I'll tell ye— they'll fetch tip in hell, and they'll come up stand- ing, too — there's where they'll fetch up ! Who's my backer ? Have I got a backer ? Whar's my backer ? This is my backer (striking the Bible before him) — the Bible will back me to any amount !" To still further convince his hearers that he was in earnest, he exclaimed, " That's me — that's Jones !" He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter censure. It was natural that Adam should have been mad at her. "I shouldn't want a woman that wouldn't mind me, myself," said the speaker. He directed his attention to dancing, declaring it to be a great sin. " Whar there's dancing there's fiddling — whar there's fiddling there's unrighteousness, and imrighteousness is wickedness, and wickedness is sin ! That's me — that's Jones." Bosom, the speaker invariably called " buzzim," and devil, " debil," with a fearfully strong accent on the " il." ;i 13 IX. SPIRITS. fi i Mr. Davenport, who has been for some time closely identified with the modern spiritual movement, is in the City with his daughter, who is quite celebrated as a medium. They are accompanied by Mr. Eighme and his daughter, and are holding circles in Hoffmjji's Block every afternoon and evening. We were present at the circle last evening. Miss Davenport seated herself at a table on which was a tin trumpet, a tamborine, and a guitar. The audience were seated around the room. The hghts were blown out, and the spirit of an eccentric individual, well known to the Davenports, and whom they call George, addressed the audience through the trumpet. He called several of those present by name in a boisterous voice, and dealt several stunning knocks on the table. George has been in the spirit world some two hundred years, lie is a rather rough spirit, and probably run with the machine and " killed for Kyscr" when in the flesh. lie ordered the seats in the room to be wheeled round so the audience would face the table. He said the people on the front seat must be tied with a rope. The order was misunderstood, the rope being merely dra^vn before those on the front seat. He reprimanded Mr. Davenport for not understanding the instructions. What he ment was that the rope should be pasded once around each person on the front seat and then tightly drawn, a man at each end of the seat to hold on to it. This was done and George expressed himself satisfied. There was no one near the table save the medium. All the rest were beliind the rope, and those on the front seat were particularly charged not to let any one pass by them. George said he felt first-rate, and commenced kissing the ladies present. The smack could be dis- tinctly heard, and some of the ladies said the sensation was very natural. For the first time in our eventful life we sighed to be a spirit. We envied George. We did not understand whether the kissing was done through a trumpet. After kissing considerably, and indulg- ing in some playful remarks with a man whose Christian name was Napo- leon Bonaparte, and whom George called " Boney," ho tied the hands and feet of the medium. He played the guitar and jingled the tamborine, and then dashed them violently on the floor. Tlie candles were lit and Miss Davenport was securely tied. She could not move her hands. Her feet were bound, and the rope (which was a long one) was fastened tQ the chair. No person in the room had been near her or had anythmg to do with tieing her. Every person who was m the room will take his or her oath of that. She could SPIRITS. 63 hardly have tied herself. We never saw such intricate and thorough tieing in our life. The believers present were convinced that George did it. The un- believers didn't exactly know what to think about it. The candles were ex- tinguished again, and pretty soon Miss Davenport told George to " don't. " She spoke in an affrighted tone. The candles were lit, and she was discovered sitting on the table — ^hands and feet tied as before, and herself tied to the chair withal. The lights were again blown out, there were sounds as if some one was lifting her from the table ; the candles were re-lit, and she was seen sitting in the chair on the floor again. No one had been near her from the audience. Again the lights were ex- tinguished, and presently the medium said her feet were wet. It appeared that the mischievous spirit of one Biddie, an Irish Miss who died when twelve years old, had kicked over the water- pail. Miss Eighme took a seat at the table, and the same mischievous Biddie scissored off a liberal lock of her hair. There was the hair, and it had indis- putably just ,been taken from Miss Eighme's head, and her hands and feet, like those of Miss D., were securely tied. Other thinffs of a stasgerinif character to the skeptic were done during the evenmg. I ■ )• t tit 64 X. MR. BLOWHARD. The reader lias probably met Mr. Blowhard. lie is usually round. You find him in all public places. Ho is particularly " numerous " at shows. Knows all the actors intimately. Went to school with some of 'em. Knows how much thoy get a month to a cent, and how much liquor they can hold to a teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest like a book. Has taken sundry drinks with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is well acquainted with a certain actress. Could have married her just as easy as not if he wanted to. Didn't like her " style," and so concluded not to marry her. Knows Dan Rice well. Knows all of his men and horses. Is on terms of affectionate intimacy with Dan's rhi- noceros, and is tolerably well acquainted with the performing elephant. We en- countered Mr. Blowhard at the circus yesterday. He was entertaining those near him with a full account of the whole institution, men, boys, horses, "muils" and all. He said the rhino- ceros was perfectly harmless, as his teeth had all been taken out in infancy. Be- sides, the rhinoceros was under the in- fluence of opium, while he was in the ring, which entirely prevented his iiyur- ing anybody. No danger whatever. In due course of time the amiable beast was led into the ring. When the cord was taken from his nose, he turned sud- denly and manifested a slight desire to run violently in among some boys who were seated near the musicians. The keeper, with the assistance of one of the Bedouin Arabs, soon induced him to change his mind, and got him in the middle of the ring. The pleasant quad- ruped had no sooner arrived here than he hastily started, with a melodious bellow, towards the seats on one of which sat Mr. Blowhai-d. Each particu- lar hair on Mr. Blowhard's head stood up " like squills upon the speckled porkupine" (Shakspearc or Artcmus Ward, wo forget which), and he fell Avith a small shriek, down through the seats to the ground. He remained there until the agitated rhinoceros ))o- came calm, when he craAvled slowly back to his seat. " Keep mum," ho said, with a very wise shake of the head, " I only wanted to have some fun with them follcs above us. I swar, I'll bet the whisky they thought I was scared !" Great character, that Blowhai-d. 55 Artomus Ward visits tho Tomb of Shakspearo and makes a slight .,,-, mistake. — See jnigo IS. , XI. MARKET MORNING. Hurrah ! this is market day, Up, lads, and gaily away !— Old Comedy. On market mornings there is a roar and a crash all about the comer of Kmsman and Pittsburgh streets. Tho market building, so called we presume because it don't in the least resemble a market buildmg, is crowded with beef and butchers, and almost countless meat and vegetable wagons of all sorts, are confusedly huddled together all around outside. These wagon's mostly come 56 MARKET MORNING. from a few miles out of town, and arc always on the spot at daybreak. A little after sunrise the crash and jam commences, and continues with little cessation until 10 o'clock in the fore- noon. There is a babel of tongues, an excessively cosmopolitan gathering of people, a roar of wheels, and a lively smell of beef and vegetables. The soap man, the head-ache curative man, the razor man, and a variety of other toler- able humbugs are in full blast. We meet married men with baskets in their hands. Those who have been fortunate in their selections look happy, while some who have been unlucky wear a dejected air, for they are probably destined to get pieces of their wives' minds on their arrival home. It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it ! We meet a newly married man. He has recently set up house-keeping. He is out to buy steak for breakfast. There are only himself and wife and female domestic in the family. He shows us his basket, which contahis steak enough for at least ten able-bodied men. We tell him so, but he says we don't know anything about war, and passes on. Here comes a lady of high degree, who has no end of servants to send to the market, but she likes to come herself, and it won't prevent her shming and sparkling in her elegant drawing-room this afternoon. And she is accumulating muscle and freshness of face by these walks to market. And here h a charming picture. 'Standing besside a vegetable cart is a maiden beautiful, and sweeter far than any daisy in the fields. Eyes of purest blue, lips of cherry red, teeth like pearls, silken, golden hair, and form of exquisite mould. We wonder if she is a fairy, but instantly conclude that she is not, for in measuring out a peck of onions she spills S3me of them, a small boy laughs at the mishap, and she indignantly shies the measure at his head. Fairies, you know , don't throw peck-measures at small boys' heads. The spell was broken. The golden chain which for a moment bound us fell to pieces. We meet an eccentric individual in corduroy pantaloons and pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know if we didn't sail out of Nantucket in 1852 in the \/haling brig Jasper Green. Wo are compelled to confess that the only nautical experience we ever had was to once temporarily command a canal boat on the dark-rolling Wabash, while the captain went ashore to cave in the head of a miscreant who had winked lascivi- ously at the sylph who superintended the culinary department on board that gallant craft. The eccentric individual smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps we won't lend him a dollar till to-morrow ; to which we courteously reply that we certainly/ won't, and he glides away. We return to our hotel, remvigorated with the early, healthful jaunt, and be- stow an imaginary purse of gold upon our African Brother, who brings us a hot and excellent breakfast. xn. WE SEE TWO WITCHES. Two female fortune-tellers recently came hither, and spread "small bills" throughout the city. Being slightly anxious, in common with a wide circle of relatives and friends, to know where we were going to and what was to be- come of us, we visited both of these eminently respectable witches yesterday and had our fortune told " twict." Physicians sometimes disagree, lawyers invariably do, editors occasionally fall out, and we are pained to say that even witches unfold different tales to one in- dividual. In describing our interviews with these singularly gifted female women, who are actually and positive- ly here in this city, we must speak considerably of " we" — not because we flatter ourselves that we are more in- teresting than people in general, but because in the present case it is really necessary. In the language of Hamlet's Pa, " List, list !" We went to see " Madame B." first. She has rooms at the Burnett House. The following is a copy of her bill : MADAME B. The celebrated Spanish Astrologist, Clairvoyant and female Doctress, would respectfully announce to the citizens that she has just arrived in this city, and designs remaming for a few days only. The Madame can be consulted on all matters pertaining to life, either past, present, or future, tracing the line of life from Infancy to Old Age, par- ticularizing each event, in regard to Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship, Losses, Law Matters, and Sickness of Relatives and Friends at a distance. The Madame Avill also show her visitors a life-hko representation of their Future Husbands and Wives. Lucky Numbers in Lotteries can also be selected by her, and hundreds who have consulted her have drawn capital prizes. The Madame will furnish medi- cine for all diseases, for grown persons, male or female, and children. Persons wishing to consult her con- cerning this mysterious art and human destiny, particularly with reference to their own individual bearing in relation to a supposed Providence, can be ac- commodated by calling at Boom No. 23, . Burnett House, corner of Prospect and Ontario streets, Cleveland. The Madame haa traveled extensively for the last few years, both in the United States and the West Indies, and the success which hrs attended her in all places has won for her the reputation of being the most wonderful Astrologist of the present age. The Madame has a superior faculty for this business, having been bom with a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which she can more accurately read the past, present and future ; also enabling her 58 WE SEE TWO WITCHES. to cure many diseases without using (\v\vis or medicines. The Madame ad- vertises nothing but what she can do. Call on her if you would consult the greatest Foreteller of events now living. Hours of Consultation, from 8 A.M. to 9 o'clock P.M. Wo urbanely informed the lady with the " Caul on her Face" that we had called to have our fortune told, and she said "hand out your money." This preliminary being settled, Madame B. (who is a tall, sharp-eyed, dark-featured and angular woman, dressed in painfully positive colors, and heavily loaded with gold chain and mammoth jewelry of various kinds) and Jupiter indicated powerful that we were a slim constitu- tion, which came down on to us on our father's side. Wherein our constitution was not slim, so it came down on to us from our mother's side. "Is this so ?" and we said it was. " Yes," continued the witch, " I know'd t'was. You can't deceive Jupiter, me, nor any other planick. You may swim over Hell's- Pomt same as Leander did, but you can't deceive the planicks. Give me yer hand ! Times ain't so easy as they has been. So — so — ^but 'tis temp'ry. T'wont last long. Times will be easy soon. You may be tramped on to onct or twict, but you'll rekiver. You have talenk, me child. You kin make a Con- gresser if sich you likes to be. [We said we would be excused if it was all, the same to her.] You kin be a lawyer. [We thanked her, but said we would rather retain our present good moral character.] You kin be a soldier. You have courage enough to go to the Hostriau wars and kill the French. [We informed her that wo had already murdered some " EngUsh."] You won't have much money till you're thirty-threo years of old. Then you will have large sums — forty thousand dollars perhaps. Look out for it ! [Wo promised we would.] You have traveled some, and you will travel more, which will make your travels more extcnsiver than they has been. You will go to Califomy by way of Pike's Pick. [Same route taken by Horace Greeley.] If nothin' happens on to you you won't meet with no acci- dents and will get through pleasant, which you otherwise will not do under all circumstances however which doth happens to all both great and small likewise to the rich as also the poor. Hearken to me ! There has been deaths in your family, and there will be more ! But Reserve your constitution and you will live to be seventy years of old. Me child, her hair will be black — black as the Ra/ing's wing. Likewise black will also be her eyes, and she'll be as different from which you air as night and day. Look out for the darkish man ! He's yer rival ! Beware of the darkish man ! [We promised that we'd intro- duce a funeral into the " darkish man's" family the moment we encountered him !] Me child, there's more sunshine than clouds for ye, and send all your friends up here. A word before you goes. Expose not yourself. Your eyes is sailer which is on accounts of bile on your systim. Some don't have bile on to their systims which their eyes is not sailer. This bile ascends down on to you from many generations which is in their graves and peace to their ashes. WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 69 MADAME CROMPTON. Wc then proceeded directly to • Madame Crompton, the otlier forcunc- teller. Below is her bill : MADAME R. CROMPTON, The world-renowned Fortune Teller and Astrologist. Madame Crompton begs leave to inform the citizens of Cleveland and vicinity, that she has taken rooms at the Farmers' St. Clair House, corner of St. Clair and Water Streets, where she may be consulted on all matters pertaining to Past and Future Events. Also, giving information of Absent Friends, whether liv-ing or dead. P.S. — Persons having lost or having property stolen of any kind, will do Avell to give her a call, as she will describe the person or persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most devout critic. Terms Reasonable. She has rooms at the Farmci*s' Hotel, as stated in the bill above. She was driving an extensive business, and we were forced to wait half an hour or so for a chance to see her. Madame Crompton is of the English persuasion, and has evidently searched many long years in vain for her H. She is small in stature, but considerably inclined to corpulency, and her red round face is continually wreathed in smiles, remind- ing one of a new tin pan basking in the noonday sun. She took a greasy pack of common playing-cards, and requested us to " cut them in three," which wo did. She spread them out before her on the table, and said : " Sir to you which I speaks. You 'av been terrible crossed in love, and your 'art 'as been much panged. But you'll get all over it and marry a light complected gale with rayther reddish 'air. Before some time you'll have a leggercy fall down on to you, mostly • in solick Jold. There may be a lawsuit about it and you may be sui>prisoned as a witnesses, but you'll git it — mostly in solick Jold, which you Avill keep in chista, and you must look out for them. [We said we would keep a skinned optic on " them chists."] You 'as a enemy and he's a lightish man. He wants to defraud you out of your 'onesty. He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of crushin' yourself- [A weak invention of" the opposition."] You never did nothin' bad. Your 'art is right. You 'ave a great taste for bosses and Uke to stay with 'em. Mister to you I sez ! Gard aginst the lightish man and all will be well." The supernatural being then took an oval- shaped chunk of glass (which she called a stone) and requested us to " hang on to it." She looked into it and said : " If you're not keerful when you get your money you'll lose it, but which otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is as cheap as I kin afford to tell anybody's fortune and no great shakes made tl^en as the Lord in Heving knows." !' ' 1 60 XIII. ROUGH BEGINNING OF THE HONEYMOON. It ' 15 ■! Iv ■: ' ■ On last Friday morning an athletic jroung farmer in the town of Waynes- burg took a Itvir girl, "all bathed in olushes," from her parents, and started For the first town across the Pennsyl- vania lino to be married, where the ceremony could be performed without a license. Tlie happy pair were accom- panied by a sister of the girl — a tall, gaunt, and sharp-featured female of some thirty-seven summers. The pair crossed the lino, were married, and returned to WellsvUlo to pass the night. People at the hotel where the wedding party stopped observed that they con- ducted themselves in a rather singular manner. The husband would take his sister-in-law, the tall female aforesaid, into one corner of the parlor and talk earnestly to her, gesticulating wildly the while. Tlien the tall female would " put her foot down" and talk to him in an angry and excited manner. Then the husband would take his fair young bride into a corner, but he could no sooner commence talking to her than the gaunt sister would rush in between them and angrily join in the conversa- tion. The people at the hotel ascer- tamed what all this meant about 9 o'clock that evening. There was an uproar in the room which had been assigned to the newly-married couple. Female shrieks and masculine " swears" startled the people at the hotel, and they rushed to the spot. The gaunt female was pressing and kicking against the door of the room, and the newly-married man, mostly undressed, was barring her out with all his might. Occasionally she would kick the door far enough open to disclose the stalwart husband, in his Gentleman Greek Slave apparel. It appeared that the tall female insisted upon occupying the same room with the newly-wedded pair ; that her sister was favorably disposed to the arrangement, and that the husband had agreed to it before the wedding took place, and was now indignantly repudiating the con- tract. " Won't you go away now, Susan, peaceful ?" said the newly-mar- ried man, softening his voice. " No," said she " I won't— so there!" " Don't you budge an inch!" cried the married sister within the room. " Now — now, Maria," said the young man to his wife, in a piteous tone, " don't go for to cuttin' up in this way ; now don't ! " " I'll cut up 's much I wanter ! " she sharply replied. " Well," roared the desperate man, throwing the door wide open and stalk- ing out among the crowd, " well, jest you two wimin put on your duds and go right straight home and bring back the old man and woman, and your grand- father, who is nigh on to a hundred; bring 'em all here, and Fll marry tlie whole d — d caboodle of ^cnif and we'll all sleep together/ " The difficulty was finally adjusted by the tall female taking a room alone. Wellsville is enjoying itself over the " sensation." 61 xrv. FROM A HOMELY MAN. now. Dear Plain Dealer, — I am a plain man, and thoro is a melancholy fitness in my unbosoming my sufferings to the " Plain " Dealer. Plain as you may bo in your dealings, however, I am con- yinced you never before had to deal with a correspondent so hopelessly plain as I. Yet plain don' t half express my looks. Indeed I doubt very much whether any word in the English lan- guage could be found to convey an adequate idea of my absolute and utter homeliness. The dates in the old family Bible show that I am in the de- cline of life, but I cannot recall a period in my existence when I felt really young. My very infancy, those brief months when babes prattle joyously and know nothing of care, was darkened by a shadowy presentiment of what I was to endure through life, and my youth was rendered dismal by continued repe- titions of a fact painfully evident " on the face of it," that the boy was growing homelier and homelier c very day. Mem- ory, that with other people recalls so much that is sweet and pleasant to think of in connection with their youth, with me brings up nothing but mortification, bitter tears, I had almost said . curses, on my solitary and homely lot. I have wished — a thousand times wished — that Memory had never consented to take a seat " in this distracted globe." You have heard of a man so homely that ho couldn't sleep nights, his face ached so. Mr. Editor, 1 an^ that melan- choly individual. Wlioevcr perpetrated the joke — for joke it was no doubt in- tended ■'. j be — knew not how much truth he was uttering, or how bitterly the idle squib would rankle ui the heart of one sv.fforing man. Many and many a night have I in my childhood laid awake thinking of my homeliness, and as the moonlight has streamed in at the win- dow and fell upon the handsome and placid features of my little brother slum- bering at my side, God forgive me for the wicked thought, but I have felt an almost unconquerable impulse to forever disfigure and mar that sweet upturned innocent face that smiled and Loked so beautiful in sleep, for it was ever reminding me of the cui-se I was doomed to carry about me. Many and many a night have I got up in my night-dress, and lighting my Uttle lamp, sat for hours gazing at my terrible ugliness of face reflected in the mirror, drawn to it by a cruel fascination which it was impossible for me to resist. I need not tell you that I am a single man, and yet I have had what men call affairs of the heart. I have known what it is to worship the heart's embodiment of female loveliness, and purity, and truth, but it was generally at a distance entirely safe to the object of my adoration. Being of a suscepti- 62 FRO^r A HOMELY MAN. bio nature I was continually fallin;; in love, l)ut never, save with one single exception, tliil I venture t(» declare my flame. I saw my heart's palpitator walking in a grove. Moved by my Consuming love I rushed towards her, and throwing myself at her feet began to poor forth the long pent-up emotions of my heart. She gave one look and then "Shrieked till all tho rocks roplicil;" at least youM thought they replied if you had Been me leave that grove with a speed greatly accelerated by a shower of rockw from tho hands of an enraged brother, who was at hand. Tl'at pre- |)ossessing young lady is now slowly recovering her reason in an institution for the insane. Of n)y further troubles I may peihiii;8 inform you at some future time. IloiMKLY Man. XV. THE ELEPHANT. SoMP. two yoara huicc, on the strength of what wc regarded as reliable informa- tion, wo announced the death of the elephant Hannibal nt Canton, and ac- companied the announcement with a short biographical sketch of that re- markable animal. Wo happened to bo familiar with several interesting incidents iu the private life of Hannibal, and our sketch was copied l)y almost every paper in America and by several European journals. A few mouths ago a " traveled" friend showed us the sketch in a Parisian journal, and possibly it is " going the rounds" of the Chinese papers by this time. A few days after wo had printed his obituary Hannibal came to town with Van Amburgh's Menagerie, and the same typo which killed the monster re- stored him to life again. About once a year Hannibal " Geta on a spreo, And goes bobbin' around," to make a short quotation from a once popular ballad. These sprees, in fact, " is what's the matter with him." The other day, in Williamsburgh, Long Island, ho broke loose in the canvas, emptied most of the cages, and tore through the town like a mammoth pesti- lence. An extensive crowd of athletic men, by jabbing him with spears and pitchforks, and coiling big ropes around bis legs, succeeded in capturing him. The animals he had set free were caught and restored to their cages without much difficulty. We doubt if we shall ever forget our first view of Hannibal — which was also our first view of any elephant — of the elephant, in short. It was at the close of a sultry day in tTunc, 18 — . The sun had spent its fury and was going to rest among the clouds of gold and crimson. A solitary horseman might have been seen slowly ascending a long hill in a New England town. That solitary hoi-scman was ««, and we were mounted on the old white maro. Two bags were strapped to the foaming steed. That was before wo became wealthy, and of course we are not ashamed to say that we had been to mill, and consequently them bags con- tained flour and middlin's. Presently a large object appeared at the top of the hill. We had heard of the devil and had been pretty often told that he would have* a clear deed and title to us before long, but had never heard him painted like the object which met our gaze at the top of that hill, on the close of that sultry day in June. Concluding (for we were a mere youth) that it was an eccentric whale, who had come ashore near North Yarmouth and was making a tour through the interior on wheels, we hastily turned our steed and made for the mill at a rapid rate. Once we threw over bali^rt. after the manner of C4 THE ELEPHANT. balloonists, and as the object gaineJ on us wo cried aloud for our parents. Fortunately we reached the mill in safety and the object passed at a furious rate, with a portion of a woodshed on its back. It was Hannibal, who had run away from a neighboring town, taking a shed with him. Drank Standin'. — Col. IS a big "railroad man." J4 raih'oad supper He attended a once. Champagne flowed freely, and the Colonel got more than his share. Speeches were made after the removal of the cloth. Some- body arose and eulogised the Colonel in the steepest possible manner — called him great, good, patriotic, enterprising, &c., &c. The speaker was here inter- rupted by the illustrious Colonel him- self, who, arising with considerable difficulty, and beaming benevolently around the table, gravely said : " Let's (hie) drink that scdimunt standin' ! " It was done. XVI. BUSTS. : "Let's andin'!" There arc in this city several Italian gontlcmen engaged in the bust business. They have their peculiarities and eccen- tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad cigars. They make busts of Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other great men, living and dead. • The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly and cautiously. " Buy Napo-leon ? " he will say, and you may probably answer " not a buy." " How much giv-ee ? " he asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he wants. " Nine dollar," he will answer always. Wo are sure of it. We have observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently. No matter how large or small the bust may be, the fii-st price is invariably " nine dollar." If you dc- cUne paying this price, as you undoubt- edly will if you are right in your head, he again asks, " how much giv-ee ? " By way of a joke you say " a dollar," when the buster retreats indignantly to the door, saying in a low, wild voice, " dam !" With- his hand upon the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, " how much giv-ee ? " You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, " ha!" then commg pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus : "Say! how much giv-ee ? " Again you say a dpUar, and he cries, " take 'um — take 'um ! " — thus faUing eight dollars on his original price. Very eccentric is the Italian bustor, and sometimes he calls his busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called him Web-STAR) of him the other day, and were astonished when he called upon us the next day with another bust of Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him, and asked us if we didn't want to buy " Cole, the wife-pizener !" We endea- vored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utterance was choked and we could only gaze upon him in speech- less astonislunent and indignation. H 'nl 66 XVII. A COLORFD MAN OF THE NAME OF JEFFRIES. One beautiful day last August, Mr. Elmer, of East Cleveland, sent his hired colored man, of the name of Jeffries, to town with a two-horse wagon to get a load of lime. Mr. Elmer gave Jeffries $5 with which to pay for the lime. The horaes Avere excel- lent ones, by the way, nicely matched, ami more than conmionly fast. The colored man of the name of Jeffries came to town and drove to the Johnson street Station, where he encountered a frail young Avoman of the name of Jen- •dns, who had just been released from Jail, where she had been confined for naughtycal conduct (drugging and rob- bing a sailor.) " Will you fly with me, adorable Jenkins?" ho unto her did say, " or words to that effect," and unto him in reply she did up and say : " ]My African brother, I will. Spirit," she continued, alluding to a stone jug under the seat in the wagon, " I follow ! " Then into the two-horse wagon this fair maiden got, and knavely telling the " perlico " to embark by the first packet for an unromantic land, where the cli- mate is intensely Ti;bpical, and where even Laplanders, who like fire, giet more of a good thing than they want— douig and saying thus the woman of the name of Jenkins mounted the seat with the colored man of the name of Jeffries , and so these two sweet, gushing children of Nature rode gaily away. Away towards the setting sun. Away towards Indiana — bright land of cheap whiskey and com doin's ! ■ ••;* " Young woman, I'm not your Saler boy. Far iliffereut.'" — Hccimijc 2*'. xvni. now THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD. We have road a gvcat many stories of whicli Winchdl, the great Avit and uiiniio, was the hero, showing always cannot donbt that these stories arc all substantially true. But there is one instance which we will relate, or perish how neatly and entirely he sold yonie- 'in the attempt, where the jolly Winchell body. Any one who is familiar with , was himself sold. The other evening, Wjnclicirs wonderful powers of mimicry I while he was conversing with several 1 ,'1 C8 now THE NAPOLEON OP SELLERS WAS SOLD. gentlemen at one of the hotels, a dilapi- dated individual reeled into the room and halted in front of the stove, where he made Avild and unsuccessful efforts to maintain a firm position. He evidently had spent the evening in marching torch- light processions of forty-rod whiskey down his throat, and at this particular time was decidedly and disreputably drunk. With a sly wink to the crowd, as much as to say, " we'll have some fun with this individual," Winchell assumed a solemn face, and in. a ghostly voice said to one of the company : " The poor fellow we were speaking of is dead !" " No ?" said the individual addressed. " Yes," said Winchell ; " you know both of his eyes were gouged out, his nose was chawed off, and both of his arms were torn out at the roots. Of course he couldn't recover." This was all said for the benefit of the drunken man, who was standmg, or try- ing to stand, within a few feet of Win- chell, but he took no sort of notice of it and was apparently ignorant of the celebrated delineator's presence. Again Winchell endeavored to attract his atten- tion, but utterly failed as before. In a few moments the drunken man staggered out of the room. " I can 'generally have a little fun with a drunken man," said Winchell, " but it is no go in this case." " I suppose you know Avhat ails the man who just went out ?" said the gentlemanly host. " I perceive he is alarmingly inebri- ated," said Winchell ; " does anything else ail him?" " Yes," said the host, " he's deaf AND DUMB !" This was true. There was a " larf," and Winchell, with the remark that he was sorry to see a disposition in that assemblage " to deceive an orphan," called for a light and went gravelv to bed. XIX. ON AUTUMN. Poets are wont to apostrophize the leafy month of June, and there is no denying that if Spring is " some" June is Summer. But there is a gorgeous magnificence about the habiliments of Nature, and a teeming fruitfulness upon her lap during the autumnal months, and wo must confess we have always felt genially incUned towards this season. It is true, when we "concentrate our field of vision to the minute gai*niture of earth, we no longer observe the beautiful petals, nor inhale the fragrance of a gay parterre of the " floral epistles" and " angel-like collections" which Longfellow (we be- lieve) 80 graphically describes, and which Shortfellows so fantastically carfy about in their button-holes ; but we have all their tints reproduced upon a higher and broader canvas in the kaleidoscopic colors with which the sky and the forest daily enchant us, and the beautiful and luscious fmits which Autumn spreads out before us, and "Crowns the rich promise of the opcuiug Spring."' In another point of view Autumn is suggestive of pleasant reflections. The wearying, wasting heat, of summer and the deadly blasts Avith which her breath has for some years been freighted, are past, and the bracing north winds begin to bring balm and healing on their wings. The hurly-burly of travel, and most sorts of i)ublicity (except newspapers), are faat playing out, and we can once more hope to see our friends and relations in the happy sociality of home and fireside enjoyments. Yielding, as we do, the full force to which Autumn is seriously entitled, or rather to the serious reflec- tions and admonitions which the decay of Nature and the dying year always inspire, and admitting the poet's decade : " Leaves have their time to fall, And stars to set. — but all, Thou hast all seasons for thine own, death !" there is a brighter Autumn beyond, and brighter opening years to those who choose them rather than dead leaves and bitter fruits. Thus wc can conclude trancpiilly with Bryant as wc began gaily \nt\\ another, — " So live, that when thy summons comes to join The innumerablo caravan, which moves To thnt mysterious realm, whore each shall tako Ills chamber in the pilout halls of death. Thou Ko not, lilto the quarry-slave at night. Scourfted to his dunseon. but, sustained and soothed By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave Like one who wraps the draiiery of his couch About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams." 70 XX. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER LY PRAYING. We have no intention of making fun of serious matters in telling the follow- ing story ; we merely relate a fact. There is a rule at Oberlin College that no student shall board at any house wheve prayers are not regularly made each day. A certain man fitted up a boarding-house and filled it with board- ers, but forgot, until the eleventh horn*, the prayer proviso. Not being a pray- ing man himself, he looked around for one who was. > At length he found one — a meek young man from Trumbull County — who agreed to pay for his board in praying. For a while all went smootldy, but the boarding-master furnished his table so poorly that the boarders began to grumble and to leave, and the other morning the pray- ing boarder actually " struck !" Some- thing like the following dialogue occurred at the table : Landlord — Will you pray, Mr. Mild ? Mild— No Sir, I will not. Landlord— Why not, Mr. Mild ? Mild — It don't pay, sir. I can't pray on such victuals as these. And imless you bind yourself in Avriting to set a better table than you have for the last three weeks, nary another prayer do you yet out of me ! And that's the way the matter stood at latest advices. 71 XXI. NAMES. Any name which is suggestive of a joke, however poor the joke may bo, is often a nuisance. " We were once con- fined" in a printing-office with a man named Snow. Everybody who came in was bound to have a joke about Snow. If it was Summer the mad wags would say we ought to be cool, for we had Snow there all the time — which was a fact, though Ave sometimes wi?hed Snow was whore ho would speedily melt. Not that we didn't like Snow. Far from it. His name was what disgusted us. It was also once our misfortune to daily mingle with a man named Berry. Wc can't tell how many million times wc heard him called Elderben-y, Raspberry, Blueberry, Huckleberry, Gooseberry, etc. The thing nearly made him de- ranged. He joined the filibusters and has made energetic efforts to get shot, but had not succeeded at last accounts. although wc fear he has been " slewd " mimerously. There is a good deal in a name, our usually correct friend W. Shakespeare to the contrary notwith- standing. Our own name is unfortunately one on which jokes, such as they are, can 1)0 made. We cannot present a tabular statement of the times we have done things brown (in the opinion of partial friends), or have been asked if we were related to the eccentric old slave and horse " liberator" whose uecent Virginia Reel has attracted so much of the public's attention. Could we do so the array of figures would be appalling. And some- times wc think wc will accept the first good offer of marriage that is made to us, for the purpose of changing our unhappy name, setting other interesting considerations entirely aside. 72 XXII. HUNTING TROUBLE. TIuNTixa trouble is too fasliionablo in this world. Contentment ami jollity are not cultivated as they should be. There are too many prematurely wrinkled, long and melancholy faces among us. Thercf is too mucli swearins, sweatinjr and sweanng, slashing, fuming, foaming and fretting around and about us all. *' A mad world, my masters." People rush out doors bareheaded and barefooted, as it were, and dash blindly into all sorts of dark alleys in (juest of all sorts of Trouble, when " Goodness knows," if they will only sit calmly and pleasantly by their firesides. Trouble Avill finock soon enough at their doors. Iluntmg trouble is bad business. If we ever arc induced to dosend from our present proud position to become a member of the Legislature, or ever ac- ^ cumulate sufficient musde, impudence, and taste for bad liquor to go to Con- gress, wo shall introduce a " william" for tlio suppression of Trouble-hunting. We know Miss. Slinkins, who incessant- ly frets because Miss Slurkins is better harnessed than she is, won't like it ; and we presume the Simpkinses, who worry so much because the Perkinses live in a freestone-fronted house whilst theirs is only plain brick, won't like it also. It is doubtful, too,' whether our long-haired friends-, the Reformers (who think the macliinery of the world is all out of joint, while we think it only needs a little greasing to run in first-rate 8t}?io), will approve the measure. It is pro- bable, inf this im- pression. Should another occasion of this kind ever offer wo feel that wo should bo " adequate" to treat it in a similar manner. A ' Reporter, we modestly submit, is as good as any])ody and ought _ to feel that ho is, everywhere and at all times. For one, let us quietly and without any show of vanity remark, that wo are not only just as good as anybody else but a great deal better than very many we know of. We love God and hate Indians ; pay our y a colored citizen (iin artist l)y profession), the djaractcra })(>in^ perfoniied l»y col- ored citizens, was played at tho Melo deon last evening. There were several white persons present, though most of tlio audience woro colored. The great variety of colors made a gay, and iiu deed wo may say gorgeous spectacle. A hasty sketch of this gi-oat moral production may not bo uninteresting. Act Ist, scene Ist, discloses a log- cabin, with fifteen minutes' intennis- sion between each log. " William, a spiritad slave," and "John, tho obedi- ent slave," are in tho cabin. William, tho spirited slave, says he will be free. His blood is up. " Why," says Wil- liam, " am I here thus ? Wiis this frame made to bo a bondage ? Shall these voice bo hushed ? Never, never, never !" " Oh, don't say it thus," says John, the obe4ient slave, " for thus it should not be. An' I tole ye what it was, now, jes take keer of them pistiles or they'll work yer ruins. Mind what I say Wilyim. As fer me I shall stay here with my dear Julia !" (Immense ap- plause.) " And so it has come to this, ha ?" said William, the spirited slave, standing himself up straight and bran- dishing his arms in a terrific manner. " And so it has come to this,.ha ? And this is a free land, so it has come to this — to this — to thi^.'* William ap- peared to be Homewhut confused at this point, but a wealthy newsboy in tho audience helped him out by crying, " or any other man." "John and William then embraced, bittor tears moisteniiig their manly breasts. " Farewel, Wil- yim," said John, the obedient slave, " and bless you, bless you, mo child." Tho spirited slave walks off and tho obedient slave falls into a swoon. Tableau : The Goddess of Liberty ap- pears in a Mackinaw blanket and pours* incense on the ol)edient slave. A member of the orchestra gets u[) and softly warbles on a bass drum. Angels arc hoarn singing in the distance. Curtain falls, the audience being soak- ing wet with tears. Act 2, scene first, discloses the house of Mr. Lyons, a slaveholder in Virginia. Mr. Lyons, as we learn by the play, is " a member of the Whig Congress." He learns that William, his spirited slave, has escaped. This makes him very angry, and he says he will break every bono in William's body. Ho goes out and searches for William, but cannot find him, and comes back. Ho takes a heavy drink, is stricken with remorse and declares his intention to become a nun. John, the obedient slave, comes in and a-sks permission to marry Julia. Mr. Lyons says, certainly, by all means, and preparations are made for tho wedding. VI 78 BURIAL IN RICHMOND, ETC. in. t The wedding takc3 place. Tuo scene that follows is rather incomprehensible. A young mariner has a clandestine in- terview Avith the obedient slave and receives $10 to make a large box. An elderly mariner — not that mariner, but another mariner — -rushes madly in and fires a horse-pistol into the air. lie wheels, and is about going oif, when a black Octoroon rushes madly in and fires another horse-pistol at the retreat- ing mariner, who falls. He says he is going to make a die of it. Says he should have acted differently if he had only done otherwise, which was right, or else it Avouldn't be so. He forgets his part, and don't say anything more, but he wraps himself up in the American Flag and expires like a son of a gentle- man. "More warblings on the bass drum. The rest of the orchestra endeavor to accompany the drum, but arc so deeply affected that they can't. There is a death-like stillness in the house. All was so still that had a cannon been fired off it could have been distinctly seen. The next scene discloses a large Sfj^uare box. Several colored persons are seen standing round the sijuaro box. The mariner who was killed in the last scene commences knocking off the cover of the box. He pulls the cover off, and up jumps the obedient slave and his wife ! The obedienfe slave and his dear Julia fall out of the box. Great applause. They rush to the foot-lights and kneel. Quick music by the orchestra, in which the bass drum don't warble so much as she did. " I'm free ! J'm free ! I'm FREE ! ! " shrieks the obedient slave, " I'm free !" The stage is suddenly hghted up in a go. ^^ous manner. The obedient slave and his dear Julia continue kneeling. The dead mariner blesses them. The Goddess of Liberty appears again — this time in a IJcaver overcoat — and pours some more incense on to the obedient slave. An allegorical picture of Virtue appears in a red vest and military boots, on the left pros- cenium. John Brown the Barber ap- pears as Lady ^lacbeth, and says there is a blue tinge into his nails, and consequently he is an Octoroon. Another actor wants to define his posi- tion on the Euclid street improvement, but is hissed domi. Curtain descends amidst the admiriiig shouts of the audi- ence, red fire, music, and the violent assertion of the obedient slave that he is free. The play will not be repeated this evening, as was announced. Due notice will be given of its next performance. It is tho greatest effort of the kind that we ever witnessed. * n Eatikq Match for the Champiox- feiiip. — Wo understand that preparations are making for a grand Eating-Match for the Championship of America, to take place in this city some time next month. Two of our most voracious eaters, whose names we are not per- mitted to give, will meet somewhere beyond the city limits and proceed to devour mush and milk until one of them bursts. The one who don't burst will be declared the victor, and come into possession of the Championship and the stakes, whatever they may be. Tlic contestants are now training for the trial. ilia continue ncr blesses rty appears or overcoat Jcnse on to allegorical a red vest left pros- Barber ap- and says i his nails, Octoroon, ine his posi- iprovement, in descends )f the audi- tho violent ave that he peatcd this Due notice crformance. le kind that ClIAMPIOX- reparations ting-Match merica, to time next voracious e not pcr- mmewhere irocecd to le of them burst will come into p and the he. The ; for HxQ L 's stalwart frame.-. He had heard L spoken of as a fighting man. He preferred not to grapple with him. The train was a light one, and it so happened that L was the only man in this, the hind car. So the conductor had the train stopped, and quietly un- hitched this car. " Good day, Mr. I. XXVIII. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCIIEll IN HIS POCKET. L lived in this city several years ago. lie dealt in horses, carriages, &.c. Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies up West he embarked with a lot for that " great" country. At Toledo he took a Michigan Southern train. Soin<;body had, by way of a joke, Avarncd him against the conductor of that particular train, telling him that said conductor had an eccentric way of taking up tickets at the beginning of the journey, and of denying that he had done so and de- manding fare at the end thereof. This the confiding L swallowed. He deter;':li'.v;a not to be swindled in this way, anct so when the conductor came around and asked him for his ticket he declined giving it up. The conductor insisted — L still refused. " I've got the little voucher in my pocket," he said, with a knowing look, slyly slapping the pocket which ccmtained the ticket. The conductor danced at -," he yelled, "just keep that little vouchor in your pocket and be d d to you !" L jumped up and saw the other cars moving rapidly away. He was left solitary and alone in a dismal piece of woods, known as the Black Swamp. He remained there in the car \mtil night, when the down train came along and took him to Toledo. He had to pay fare, his up through- ticket not being good on that train. His buggies had gone unattended to Chicago. He was very angry. He finally got tlirough, but he will never hear the last of that " little voucher.'* 80 XXIX. THE r.EXTLEMAXLY CONDUCTOR. Fi:\v have any itlea of the trials and tribulations of the railway eoniluct^)r — " the i;entlcinanlv conductor," as one- horse iiowspajiers deh'Jit in styling him. Unless you ai-e gifted with the i)aticnce of the lamented Job, who, tradition in- forms us, had '* biles" all over his body and didn't swear once, never go for a a Conductor, nie boy ! The other evening we enlivened a railroad car with our brilliant presence. Starting tiuie was not (]uite up, and the passengers were amusing themselves by laughing, sweanng, singing, and talking, according to their particular fancy. The Conductor came in and the following were a few of the (jviestions put to him: One old fellow, who was wrapped u[) in a horse-blanket and who apparently had a'iout two pounds of pigtail in his mouth, wanted to know '* What junt of compass the keers was travelin' in V An old lady, surrounded by bard-boxos and enveloped in Hannels, w mted to know what time the H o'clock train left llock Island for " Dultu-kue V" A carroty- hairej young man wanted to know if " free omyibuse?'' run from the cars to the taverns iu Toledo 'i A tall, nizor- faced individual, e\idcntly from the interior of Connecticut, desired to know if •' cgnductin " paid as well eout West as it did deoun in his country ; and a portly, close-shaven man, with round keen eyes, and in whose face you could read the interest-table, asked the price of corner lots in Omaha. These and many other eipially absurd (piestions the conductor answered calmly and in a resigned maimer. And we shuddered as we thought how he would have to answer a similar string of (piestions in each of the%rce cars ahead. m 81 ^r-x Ifatural Hi-stury— SiiddcMi nml unoxpoc^tod Plajfiilness of tlia llt'ur.— Sec paije 'M. XXX. A MAYORALITY ELECTION. Messrs. Senter and Ci)ffiiii)crry, two eBteemed citizens, an' the candidates. Here's a faint attempt at a Hpeeinien tickct-pcddlcrs scent him (" even as the war-horse snufts the battle," etc.), sec him and make a grand rush for him. scene : An innocent German is dis- , Tliey surround liim, each shoves a buncb covered about half a mile from the i of tickets under his nose, and all com polls of this or that ward. A dozen mencc bellowing in his cars : Here's the 82 A MAYORALTY ELECTION. ticket yer want — Coffinbcrry. Here's Scnter — Senterbcrry and Coffinter. What the h — 1 yer tryiu' to fool the man for ? Don't yer spose he knowa who he wants ter vote for, say ! 'Ere's the ticket — Sen — Coff— don't crowd — get off my toes, you d — d fool ! Workin' men's ticket is the ticket you want! To h — 1 wid yez workin' men's ticket, 'ere's the ticket yez want ! No, by Cot, vote for Shorgc P. Senter — he says he'll py all the peer for dems as votes for him as much more dan dey can trinks, by tam ! Senter be d — d ! Go for Coffinberry ! Coffinbcrry was killed eight times in the Mexican war, and is in favor of justice and Pop'lar Sovrinty ! Oh gas ! Senter was at the battle of Tippe-ca-noo, scalped twelve Injuns and wrote a treatise on Horae-shoeing ! Don't go for Coffinberry. He's down on all the Dutch, and swears he'll have all their heads chopped off and run into sausages if he's lected. Do you know what George B. Senter says about the Germans ? He says by they're in the habit of stealing live American infants and hashing 'em up into head cheese, by ! That's a lie I T'aint — I heard him say so with my own mouth. Lot the man alone — stop yer puUin — I'll bust yer car for yer yet. My Cot, my Cot, what tam dimes dese 'lections is. Will yez crowd a poor -Tarman till dcnth, yer d — d spalpanes, yez ? kjen — Coff — Senter- bcrry and Coffinter -^Working Men's — Repub — Dem — whoop — h — 1 — whoo- raw — bully — y-c-o-u-c-h ! ! The strongest side got thn unfortu- nate German's vote, and he went sore and bleeding home, satisfied, no doubt, that this is a great country, and that the American Eagle will continue to be a deeply interesting bird while his w^ igs are in the hands of patriots like the above. Scenes like the above (only our description is very imperfect) were placed over and over again, at every ward in the city, yesterday. Let us be thankful that the country is safe — but Ave should like to see some of the ward politicians gauged to-day, for we are confident the operation would exhibit an astonishing depth of whiskey. Hurrah for the Bar-Stangled Spanner ! XXXI. FISHING EXCURSION. The Leviathan, Capt. Wm. Sholl, left the foot of Superior Street at G o'clock yesterday morning for a fishing excur- sion down the lake. Tliero were about twenty persons in the party, and we think we never saw a more lovely lot of men. The noble craft swept majes- tically out of tho Cuyahoga into the lake, and as she sped past a retired coal-dealer's office, the Usher borrowed our pocket-hankerchief (which in the excess of his emotion he forgot to return us) to wipe away four largo tears which trickled from his light bay eyes. On dashed the Leviathan at the rate of forty- five knots an hour. The fishing-ground reached, the clarion voice of Sholl was heard to ejaculate, " Reef homo the jib-boom, shorten the mainbraco, sphce the Ibrecastle, and throw the hurricane- dock overboard ! Lively, my lads !" " Aye, aye. Sir !" said Marsh, the chaplain of the expedition, in tones of thunder, and the gallant party sprang to execute the Captain's orders, the agile form of first-officer Ililliard' being especially conspicuous in reefing tho jib-boom. Lines wore cast and the sport commenced. It seemed as though all tlic fish in the lake know of our coming, and had collected in that particular spot for tho express purpose of being caught ! What teeth they had — sufficiently good, certainly, to bite a cartridge or anything else. The Usher caught tho first fish — a small but beautiful bass, whose weight was about three inches and a half. Tho Usher was elated at this streak of luck, but his hand did not tremble, and he continued to haul tho fish in until at noon ho had caught thirteen firkins full, and he annoiinced that he should fish no more. Cruelty was no part of his nature, and he did not think it right to slaughter fish in this way. Cross, Barney, and the rest, were immensely successful, and hauled in tremendous quantities of bass, perch, Mackinaw trout, and Connecticut shad. Bono didn't catch a fish, and we shall never forget the sorrowful manner in which the poor fellow gazed upon our huge pile of beautifiil bass, which occu- pied all of tho quarter-deck and a large portion of the forecastle. Having fished enough the party went ashore, where they found Ab. McHrath (who was fanning himself with a bam door), the Grand Commandant (who in a sonorous voice requested the parties, as they alighted from the small boats, to " keep their heads out of water"), the General (who was discussing with the Doctor tho propriety of annexing East Cleveland to the United States,) and several dis- tinguished gentlemen from town, who had come down with life-preservers and ginger-pop. After disposing of a sump- tuous lunch the party amused and in- structed each other by conversation, and about 3 o'clock the shrill whistle of the Leviathan was sounded by Mike, the urbane and accomplished engineer, and the party were soon homeward bound. It was a good time. xxxn. RED IIAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. Chapter I. " Life's but a •walking shadow— a poor player." 'Shakespeare, " Let me die to sweet music."— J. W.Shuckers. " Go forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence to the bleak world, dog! You have re- paid my generosity with the blackest mgratitude. You have forged my Kamc on a five thousand dollar check — have repeatedly robbed my money-drawer — have perpetrated a long series of high- handed villainies, and now to-night, bo- cause, forsooth, I'll not give you more money to spend on your dissolute com- panions you break a chair over my aged head. Away ! You are a young man of small moral principle. Don't ever speak to me again !" These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one of the merchant princes of New York city, lie spoke to Clarence Stanley, his adopted son and a beautiful youth of nineteen summers. In vain did Clarence plead his poverty, his tender age and inex- perience ; in vain did he fasten thot>e lustrous blue eyes of liis appealini;ly and tearfully upon Mr. Blinker, and tell him ho would make the j)oc\unary matter all right Ik tlie fall, an■'■'. "^ • ':'»• j ;>■■ >;*» XXXIII. THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES— A DUEL IN CLEVELAND- DISTANCE TEN PACES— BLOODY llESULT— FLIGHT OF . ONE OP THE PRINCIPALS— FULL I^ARTICULAIIS. A FEW weeks sinco a youn^; Ireh- man named (!ulkiiis wandered into Cleveland from Now York. Ho had boon in America only a short time. He overflowed with hook leaniin-', hut was mournfully i^^ioraut of American customs, and as iiuiocent mid conlidiu'j; withal as the Bahes i)i the Wood. He talked much of his family, their com- manding position in Connaught, Ireland, their immense respectahility, their chiv- alry, and all that sort of thin^'. He was the only representative of that mighty raco in this country. " I'm the last of tho Culkinses!" ho would fre- quently say, with a tingo of romantic Badness, meaning, wo suppose, that ho would bo tho last when tho elder Culkins (in the admiretl language of tho classics) "slipped his wind." Young Culkhis proposed to teach Latin, Greek, Spanish, Fardown Irish, and perhaps Choctaw, to such youths as desired to become thoroiigh linguists. He was not very successful in this line, and concluded to enter the office of a prominent law firm on Superior Street, as a student. He dovo among tho musty and ponderous volumes with all the enthtisiasm of a wild young Irishman, and commenced cramming his head with law at a start- ling rate. Ho lodged in the back-room of the office, and previous to retiring, ]n> used to sing the favorite ballads of his own Emerald Isle. The boy who was employed in the office directly across iho hall iised to go to tho Irishman's door and stick his car to the kcy-holo with a view to drinking in the gashing melody by tlie (puirt or [)erha];»s pailful. This vexed Mr. Culkins, and consider- ably marred the pleasure of the thing, as witness tho following : " Oh c(»ino to nio when duylight nots [What ycz doing at that door yor d d spaljjane V] Bwoet, then como to mo ! [I'll twist tho nose off of ycz pre- sently, mo honey ?] When softly kUJo our gondolctts [Bcdad, I'll do murthcr to ycz, young guitlcmin!] O'er tho mooulit Hca. Of course this couldn't continue. This, in short, was rather more than tho blood of tho Culkinses could stand, so tho young man, through whose veins such a powerful lot of that blood courses, sprang to tho door, seized the eaves- dropping boy, drew him within and commenced to severely chastise him. The boy's master, the gentleman who occupied the office across tho hall, here interfered, pulled Mr. Culkins off, and thrust him gently against the wall and slightly choked him. Mr. 88 THE LAST OF THE CUI KINSES. Culklns bottled liis furiou-^ wruili for that iii^ht, l)ut ill the morniiig lio un- corkccl it and threatened the gentleman (whom for convenience sake wo will call Smith ) with all sorts of vcn/^eancc. He obtained u, small lior8owhi|) and tore furiously through the town, on the look- out for iSiuith. He sent Smith a challenge, couched in lan;^uago so scathingly hot that it burnt holes through the paper, and when it reached Smith it was riddled like un old-fashioned milk strainer. No notice was taken of the challenge, and (^ulkins' wrath liecamo absolutely terrific. He wrote hand-bills which ho endeavored to have printed, posting Smith as a coward. He wrote a communication for the New Herald, explaining the whole matter. (This wasn't very rich, we expect.) He urged us to publish his chal- lenge to Smith. Somebody toKl him that Smith was intending to flee the city in fear on an afternoon train, and Culkins proceeded to the depot, horse- wliip in hand, to lio in wait for him. This was Saturday last. During the afternoon Smith concluded to accept the challenge. Seconds and a surgeon were selected, and we are mortified to state that at 10 o'clock in the evening Scran- ton's Bottom wa.s desecrated with a regu- lar duel. The frantic glee of Culkins when he learned his challenge had been accepted can't bo described. Our pen can't do it — a pig-pen couldn't. He wrote a long letter to his uncle in New York, and to his father in Connaught. At about ten o'clock the party pro- ceeded to the field. The moon was not up, the darkness was dense, the ground was unpleasantly moist, and the lights of the town, which gleamed in the distance, otdy made the scene mo: 6 desolate and 'Ireary. The ground was pace(l off ana uio men ;irrangc^li£ 1-25 1.4 111.6 S=^^^= '" '" III ^^B^ •• 6" ► V] V2 c>% W ^ ^V /a /A '-^ '/ Hiotographic Sciences Corporalion 23 WIST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. USSO (716)872-4503 ^.^^^ >* :r health. and has a is. Daring Evarts, of was like a Mr. Evarts said Mr. dead, that exceedingly e most up- Chapter I. — France. Our story opens in the early part of the year 17 — . France was rocking wildly from centre to circumference. The arch despot and unscrupulous man, Richard the III., was trembling like an aspen leaf upon his throne. He had been successful, through the valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir Wm. Donn, in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he trembled! O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnapps- goot of Holland, a retired dealer in goi. and sardines, had united their forces — some nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all — and were overtly at work, their object bemg to oust the tyrant. O'Mulligan was a young man between fifty-three years of age, and was chiefly distinguished for being the son of his aunt on his grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal education, having passed three weeks at Oberlin College. He was a man of great hardihood, also, and would frequently read an entire column of " railway matters" in the Cleveland Herald without shrieking with agony. Chapter II. — The King. The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr.-Gloster) sat upon his throne in the Palace d' St. Cloud. He was dressed in his best clothes, and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere. Courtiers, in glittering and golden armor, stood ready at his beck. He sat moodily for a while, when suddenly his sword flashed from its silvern scabbard, and he shouted-^ " Slaves, some wine, ho !" The words had scarcely escaped his Ups ere a bucket of champagne and a hoe were placed before him. As the king raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near by, proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, cried — *' Drink hearty, old feller." " Reports, travelling on lightning- wings, whisper of strange goings on and cuttmgs up throughout this king- dom. Knowest thou aught of these things, most noble Hellitysplit ?" and the king drew from the upper pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper of. John Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw. " Treason stalks monster-Uke through- out unhappy France, my liege!" said the noble HeUityspUt. The ranks of the. P. Q. R.'s are daily swelling, and the G. R. J. A.'s are constantly on the increase. Already the peasantry scout at cat-fish, and demand pickled salmon for their noonday repasts. But, my liege," and the brave HeUityspht's eyes I Ml m my' 92 ROBERTO THE ROVER; W''. ', . I P ; 1,1 It'. I i Ik flashed fire, " myself and sword are at thy command !" " Bully for you, Count," said the king. " But soft : methinks report — perchance unjustly — ^hast spoken suspici- ously of thee, most Royal d'Sardine ? How is this ? Is it a newspaper yam ? What's up?" D'Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the king's feet, and said : " Most patient, gray, and red- headed skinner ; my very approved shin-plaster: that I've been asked to drink by the P. Q. R.'s, it is most true ; true, I have imbibed sundry mugs of lager with them. The very head and front of my offending hath this extent, no more." " Tis well !" said the King, rising and loookmg fiercely around. " Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good sword have cut off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over the floor ! If I wouldn't, blow me !" Chapter III. — The Rover. THRiLLiNa as the scenes depicted m the preceding chapter indubitably were, those of this are decidedly thrillinger. Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again is he surroimded by splendor and gorgeously-mailed courtiers. A sea-faring man stands before hun. It is Roberto the Rover, disguised as a common sailor. " So," said the King, " thou wouldst have audience with me !" " Aye, aye, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer grapplin irons and pipe all 'hands on deck. Reef home yer jibpoop and splice yer main topsuls- Man the jib-boom and let fly yer top- gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my days, yer landlubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among seagulls Uian landsharks. My name is Sweet William. You're old Dick the Three! Ahoy! Awast! Dam my eyes!" and Sweet William pawed the marble floor and swung his tarpaulin after the manner of sailors on the stage, and con- sequently, not a bit like those on ship- board. " Marmer," said the King, gravely, " thy language is exceedmg lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad." " Aye, aye, my hearty !" yelled Sweet William, in dulcet strains, re- minding the King of the " voluptuous smell of phasic," spoken of by the late Mr. Byron. " What wouldst thou, seafarmg man ?" asked the King. " This !" cried the Rover, suddenly taking off liis maritime clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled with diamonds. " This ! I am Roberto the Rover ! " The King was thunder-struck. Cower- ing back in his chair of state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, " Well, may I be gaul-damed !" " Ber-lud! ber-lud! ber-lud !" shriek- ed the Rover, as he drew a horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally killed, his last words being, " We are governed too much — THIS IS THE LAST OF earth!!!" At this excitmg junc- ture Messrs. O'MuUigan and Schnapps- goot (who had previously entered into a copartnership with the Rover for the purpose of doing a general killmg busi- ness) burst mto the room and cut off theh( the n( then heroes Bann( A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE. 93 et fly yer top- le salt water in , but shiver my r coast among My name is old Dick the Dam my eyes!" ed the marble lulin after the stage, and con- those on ship- King, gravely, ling lucid, and igs is workin' arty!" yelled >t strains, re- B " voluptuous Df by the late the heads and let out the inwards of all the noblemen they encountered. They then killed themselves and died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star Spangled Banner to slow music. The Rover fled. He was captured near Marseilles and thrust into prison, where he lay for sixteen weary years, all attempts to escape being futile. One night a lucky thought struck him. He raised the window and got out. But he was unhappy. Remorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals. He tried Boerhave's Holland Bitters and the Retired Physician's Sands of Life, and got well. He then married the lovely Countess D'Smith, and lived to a green old age, being the triumph of virtue and downfall of vice. I IJ ifaring man ? » i^er, suddenly clothing and suit of silk, 3. " This ! I ruck. Cower- ite, he said in i amazement, ned !" •lud !" shriek- a horse-pistol ho fell fatally g, " We are 3 IS THE LAST xciting junc- nd Schnapps- entered into lOver for the killing busi- and cut off 95 AMONG THE FENIANS. PRELBnNARY. There is a story of two "smart" Yankees, one named Hosea and the other Hezekiah, who met in an oyster shop in Boston. Said Hosea, " As to opening oysters, why nothing's easier if you only know how." " And how's hm ? " asked Hezekiah. " Scotch snuff," replied Hosea, very gravely. — " Scotch snuff. Bring a littlfi of it ever so near their noses, and they'll sneeze their lids off." "I know a man wlio knows abetter plan," observed Hezekiah. "He spreads the bivalves in a circle, seats himself in the centre, reads a chapter of Artemu» Ward to them, and goes on until they get interested. One by one they gape with astonishment at A. Ward's whoppers, and as they gape my friend whips 'em out, peppers away, and swallows 'em." Excellent as all that Artemus Ward writes really is, and exuberantly over- flowing with humour as are nearly all his articles, it is too bad to accuse him of telling " whoppers." On the contrary, the old Horatian question of "Who shall forbid me to speak truth in laughter ? " seems ever present to his mind. His latest production is the admirable paper on the Fenians. Sparkling with genuine fun and bristling with pungent satire, it is an epitome of Artemus Ward's most genial humour and of his keenly sar- castic truth. The domgs of the Fenians have hitherto been sufficiently ludicrous to merit the ridicule which Artemus has added to the stock they have so liberally provided for themselves. To use the periphrasis of Senator Sumner, they have hitherto been "the muscipular abortion of the parturient mountain ; " whatever their folly may yet lead them to effect of a more serious nature in time to come. As a curiosity of litera- ture, worthy of being preserved for the amusement of posterity, a leading article on the Fenians, extracted from a New York paper of most extensive circulation, is given below.* Such * " The Fenian Troubles at an End— The Head Centre Yictorious. " The unmitigated blackguards and miserable spalpeens ■who raised the standard of revolt against the brave and gallant O'Mahony are knockedinto the most infinitesimal smithereens, and chawed up until there is not as much left of them as remained after the tooth-and-noil conflict of the Kilkenny cats. The blessed and holy St. Patrick (may the heavens be his bed in glory!) never more thoroughly extinguished the toads, snakes, bedbugs, mosquitos, and varmint in general, which he drove out of Ould Ireland, than O'Mahony, the gallant Head Centre, squelched, exterminated, crushed out, and extinguished the cantankerous Senators and rebellious disciples of the brotherhood who thought to clutch the evergreen laurels and verdant greenbacks with which a patriotic and confiding people have encircled his brow and lined his wallet. As the blessed St. Patrick aforesaid compelled the varmints to betake themselves to the swamps and morasses, and oil ft r til ir' 96 PRELIMINARY. m-:.- i-f<' ■' another " leader " as the one here given could not bo met with in the press of any land in the world, except in that of the United States. If Artemus has on any occasion really told "whoppers," it has been in his announcements of being about to visit England. From time to time he has stated his intention of visiting this ' chased tho frogs iuto the bogs ; ' so the redoubtable O'Mahony has compelled the rebellious Fenians to hide their diminished head? nnd letake themselves to tho recesses of oblivion, where their contortions will be watched by tho observer of futurity, as the visitors of Blarney Castle are edified by the gambols of the ' comely eels in tho verdant mud.' The bravo O'Mahony has come forth from the contest like gold from tho crucible, or whisky from tho still, purified, etherealized, and elevated, while his antagonists have shrunk away like dross or swill, never more to mingle with the Olympian deliberation, and Jove-like councils of tho Mofiatt Mansion. Instead of participating in these august deliberations, they will go back to their shanties, and there behold the glories they are unworthy to share. As if the O'Mahony bludgeon had not knocked the breath completely out of tho revolters, the idolized Stephens, who, like the Roman Curtius jumped into tho gulf of Irish nationality, published a letter and a proclamation which must satisfy the public that the recreants are 'kilt intirely,' and may as well give their neighbours a pleasant wake and a decent buriaj as expect to survive the period of their inevitable dissolution. His proclamation comes down on them like a shillaly in Donnybrook ; and if it does not ventilate their skulls, it is because those cranial envelopes are as impervious to physical force as to the gentle influence of reason or patriotism. Having demolished the rebellious Senate and their backers, tho next thing O'Mahony has to do is to wipe out the bloody Saxon {ind re-establish the nationality of the Emerald Isle as it existed in the days of Brian Boru. As Queen Victoria is a woman, we do not expect to see her locked up like Jeff. Davis, but she will be allowed to emigrate to Kew York, and open a boarding-school or a drygoods-store, where she will remain un- molested as long as she behaves herself." country, and from time to time has he disappointed his English friends. Ho was coming to England after his trip to California, when, laden with gold, he-could think of no better place to spend it in. He was on his way to England when he and his companion, Mr. Ilingston, encountered the Pi-uto Indians, and narrowly escaped scalping. . ' He was leaving for England with " Betsy Jane" and tho " snaiks" be- fore the American war was ended. He had unscrewed the head of each of his " wax-figgers," and sent each on board in a carpet-bag, labelled, "Eor England," just as Mr. Lincoln was assassinated. He was hastening to England when thi news came a few weeks ago that he had been blown up in an oil-well ! He has been on his way to England in every newspaper of the American Union for the last two years. Here is the latest announcement : — " Artemus Ward, in a private letter, states that Dr. Kumming, the famous London seer and profit, having foretold that the end of the world will happen on his own birthday, in January, 1867, he, Artemus, will not visit England, until the latter end of 1866, when the peopliJ t)iere will be selling oflF and dollars will be' plentiful. Mr. Ward says that he shall leave England in the last steamer, in time to see the American eagle spread his wings and with the stars and stripes in his beek and tallents sore away to his knativ erapjvehxim"— American Paper. But even this is likely to be a " whopper," for a more reliable private letter from Artemus declares his fixed purpose to leave for England in the PRELIMINARY. 97 steamship City of Boston early in June ; and the probabilites are that ho will bo stepping on English shores just about the time that these pages go to press. Lest anything should happen to him, and England bo for ever deprived of seeing him, tho most recent production of his pen, together with two or three of his best things, are here embalmed for preservation, on the principle adopted by the affectionate widow of the bear- trainer of Perpignan. " I have nothing left," said the woman. " I am abso- lutely without a roof to shelter me and the poor animal." " Animal ! " ex- claimed the prefect ; " you don't mean to say that you keep the bear that devoured your husband ?" " Alas !" she replied, " it is all that is left to me of the poor dear man !" If any other excuse be needed for thus presenting the British public with A. Ward's " last," in addition to the pertin- ency of the article and its real merit, that excuse may be found in the fact that it is thoroughly new to readers on this side of the Atlandc. The general public will undoubtedly receive ^^ Artemus Ward among the 'Fenians ^* with approving laughter. Should it fall into the hands of a philo- Fenian, the effect may be different. To him it would probably have the wrong ac- tion sf the Yankee bone-picking machine. " I've got a new machine," said a Yankee pedlar, " for picking bones out of fish. Now, I tell you it's a leetle bit the darndest thing you ever did see. All you have to do is to set it on a table and turn a crank, and the fish flies right down your throat and the bones right under the grate." Well, there was a country greenhorn got hold of it the other day^^nd he turned the crank the wrong way ; and, I tell you, the way tho bones flow down his throat was awful. Why, it stuck that fellow so full of bones, that he could not c;et his shirt off for a whole week !" In addition to the paper on the Fenians, two other articles by Artemus Ward are reprinted in the present volume. One relates to the city of Washington, and the other to the author's imaginary town of Baldinsville. Both are highly characteristic of the writer and of his quaint spellings — a heterography not more odd than that of the postmaster of Shawnee County, Missouri, who, return- ing his account to the General OflSce, wrote, " I hearby sertify that the four going A-Counte is as nere Rite as I now how to make It, if there is any mistake it is not Dun a purpers." Artemus Ward has created a new model for funny writers ; and the fact is noticeable that, in various parts of this country as well as in his own, ho has numerous puny imitators, who suppose that by simply adopting his comic spell- ing they can write quite as well as he can. they . Thomas ilood, who said that he could write as well as Shakespere if he had the mind to, but the trouble was — he had not got the mind. • * * 15«»J>t«e, 1866. P. S.— June 16th. Artemus Ward really arrived in London yesterday. He has come to England at last, though, like La Belle Hilene at the Adelphi Theatre, he "has been some time in preparation." P haps it would be as well if inhered the joke of poor ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. :i i To Home, April, 1866. The Finians conveoned in our town the other night, and took steps toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall and by the kind invite of my naber,Mr. Mulroony O'Shaughnessy, whose ancestors at least must have Irish blood in their veins, I went over. You may not be awair, by the way, that I've been a invalid here to home for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to my own improodens. Not feelin' like eathig a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner, in the South, where I lately was, I went into a Resterater and et 20 hard biled eggs. I think they effected my Liver. My wife says, Po, po. She says I've got a splendid liver* for a man of my time of life. I've heard of men's livers gradooally wastin' away till they hadn't none. It's a dreadful thing when a man's liver gives him the shake. Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, and by the advice of Miss Peasley (who continues single and is correspondinly unhappy in the same ratio) I consulted a Spiritooul mejum— awritin'mejum. I got a letter fi"om a cel'brated Injin chief, who writ me, accordin' to the mejum, that he'd been ded two hundred and seventeen (217) years, and liked it. He then '' In America perhaps nine complaints out of ten are attributed to some derangement of the liver.— Ed.] said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb tea ! I drinkt it, and it really hclpt me. I've writ to this talented savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't got any answer. Perhaps he's in a spear where they hain't got any postage stamps. But thanks to careful nussin', I'm improvin' rapid. The Town Hall waz jam-full of people, mostly Irish citizens, and the enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody and everything. They cheer'd me. " Hurroo for Ward ! Hurroo !" They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant voice, " All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon, Cooshla' macree !" These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I added " Mushier! Mushier!" " Good ! good !" cried Captain Sping- ler, who desires the Irish vote for county clerk—" that's fus' rate." " You see what I'm drivin' at, don't you. Cap ?" I said " Certainly." " Well," I ansered, « I'm very glad you do, becaus I don't." This made the Finians larf, and they said " Walk up onto the speaker's plat- form, sir." The speeches was red hot agin England and hir iron heel, and it was resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much desirable before freein' her' that a large quantity of funds should be nused. And, like the gen'rous souls as sum yarb hclpt me. Q this time et I hain't I in a spear ge stamps. 8sin', I'm of people, nthusiasm everybody d me. •00 !" I of mine, )ice. u All ■neon, och received Mushier! lin Sping- br county at, don't \rery glad and they er's plat- hot agin id it was ict. But •eein' her' ihould be s souls as they was, funs was lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a cxcitin' discussion as to which head center they should send 'cm to— O'Mahony or McRoberts. There was grate excitement over this, but it was finally resolved to send half to one and half to t'other. Then Mr. Finnigan rose and said, " We have hero to-night sum citizens of American birth, from whom we should be glad to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear from a man whose name towers high in the zoological and wax-figger world — from whose pearly lipa " Says I, " Go slow, Finny, go slow." " We wish to hear," continued Mr. Finnigan, moderatin' his stile summut, " from our townsman, Mr. Ward." I beg'd to bo declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid d perfeck uproar of applaus. I said we had convened there in a meetin', as I understood it, or rather in a body as it were, in ref rence to Ireland. If I knew my own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small, had an impulse flowin' in his boosum, " and consequentially," I added, " we will stick to it similar and in accordance therewith, as long as a spark of man- hood, or the peple at large. That's the kind of man I be!" Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs of Ireland deep- ly, on accounts of bavin' onct courted the widder of a Irish gentleman who had Hngered in a loathsum dunjm in Dublin, placed there by a English tavern- keeper, who despotically wanted him to Peace. " Mr. Ward," ho said, "you've bin drinkin'. You're under the iu- floo'nco of licker, sir!" Says I, " Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my lips in fifteen years." [Cries of " Oh, here now, that won^t do."] " It is troo," I said. " Not a drop of good licker has passed ray lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'cm. I reach for it while its going by !" says I. " Squire, harness me sum more !" " I beg pardon," said tho Squire, " for the remark ; you are sober ; but what on airth are you drivin' at ?" " Yes !" I said, " that's just it. Thaf s what I've bin axin myself durin' the entire evenin'. What is this grate meetin' dririn' at? What's all the grate Finian meetins drivin' at all over the country ?" " My Irish frens, you know me well enufiF to know that I did'nt come here to disturb this meetin'. Nobody but a loafer will disturb any kind of a meetin'. And if you'll notiss it, them as are up to this sort of thing, aller^ come to a bad end. There was a young man — I will not mention his name — who disturb'd my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin' remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan to the front part of my hed, which as you see, it is Bald — sayin', says this young man, ' You sandpaper it too much, but you've got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your neck, old man.' This made a few ignent and low- mindid persons larf ; but what was the il pay for a quantity of choi»fi»d*V?er jie- fjit^ of:*bBfe yojipg man ? In less than had consoom'd. Besides; !4heV.*Sq»Ji*€i' a mcsih'Jj^Utiiii. died and left him a wants to be re-elected Just^cej ^of tbe fwccp in Oxford* »qounty, Maine! The 100 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENUNS. ih»- human mind can piotur' no greater mis- fortin than this. " No, my Irish frens, I am hero as your naber and fren. I know you are honost in this Finian matter. '' But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at them rip- roarin' orators in New York, who've bin tearin' round for up'ards a year, Bwearin' Ireland shall bo free. " There's two parties — O'McMa- honeys and McO'Roberts. One thinks tho best way is to go over to Canady and establish a Irish Republic thero, kindly permittin* the Canadians to pay tho expenses of that sweet Boon ; and tho other wants to sail direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young bride went down and was drownded, accordin' to a ballad I onct hoard. But there's one pint on which both sides agree— that's the Funs. They're willin', them chaps in New York, to receive all the Funs you'll send 'em. You send a puss to-night to Hahoney, and another puss to Roberts. Both win receive 'em. You bet. And with other pusses it will be sim'lar. " I went into Mr. Dolmonico's* eatin' house tho other night, and I saw my fren Mr. Terence McFadden, who is a elekant and enterprisin' deputy Centre. He was sittin' at a table, eatin' a canvass-back duck. Poultry of that kind, as you know, is rather high just now. I think about five dollars per Poult. And a bottle of green seal stood before him. "How are you,Mr.McFadden?"Isaid. • " Oh, Mr. Ward ! I am miserable — _ . _ t » > * • , < • » t • * • . • The first restaTiraiit'ih'New* J^<**f '"^Mre, the best eatertainment' for 'the' higfUe'st prices may be obtainecl.— Eo.' :''»',■"", ; ; ', ■", miserable ! The wrongs we Irishmen suffer! Oh, Ireland! Will a troo history of your sufferins ever be written ? Must we bo forever ground under by the iron heel of despotic Briton ? But, Mr. Ward, won't you eat authin' ?" " Well," I said, " if there's another canvass-back and a spare bottle of that green seal in tho house, I wouldn't mind jinin' you in being ground under by Briton's iron heel." " Green turtle soup, first ?" he said. " Well, yes. If I'm to share the wrongs of Ireland* with you, I don't care if I do hav' a bowl of soup. Put a bean into it," I said to the waiter. " It will remind me of my childhood days, when wo had 'em baked in con- junction with pork every Sunday morn- in', and then all went up to the village church, and had a refreshin' nap in the fam'ly pew." " Mr. McFadden, who was sufferiii' so thurily for Ireland, was of the Ma- honey wing. I've no doubt that some ekally patriotic member of the Roberta wing was sufferin' in tho same way over to the Mason-Dory* eatin' house. " They say, feller citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck for Irish liberty ! We hain't seen nothin' but a Blow, so far — ^it's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out of Bellusses as long as our Irish frens in the rooral districks send 'em money. " Let the Green float above the red, if that'll make it feel any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into anything till you know where- abouts you're goin' to. -r W^ .•'* A-jdflieT" restaurant — only a trifle less famohs abd ekpensive than its more celebrated T|val.7^ED/, ,.' •, V ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 101 Irishmen ill a troo written? under by )n ? But, iin' ?" 's another h of that Idn't mind under by ' he said, share the , I don't )up. Put le waiter, childhood id in con- day mom- he village lap in the sufFeriri* f the Ma- that some B Roberta way over ise. soon you h liberty ! Blow, so e blowers Bellusses ;he rooral B the red, etter, but n't never )w where- trifle less ) celebrated " This is a very good country hero whore you are. You Irish hav' en- joyed our boons, held your share in our offices, and you certainly hav' done your share of our votin'. Then why this hullabaloo about freein' Ireland ? You do your frens in Ireland a great injoory, too ; because they b'lievo you're comin' sure enuff, and they fly off the handle and git into jail. My Irish frens, ponder these things a lil;tle. 'Zamine *em closely, and above all find out where the pusses go to." I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me kindly. They know'd I was honest, however wrong I might be ; and they know'd too, that there was no peple on arth whose gene- rosity and gallantry I had a higher respect for than the Irish, excep' when they fly off the handle. So my foUer citizens let me toot my horn. But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my bed and said, in a mournful tone of vols, " Mr. Ward, your mind is failin'. Your intellect totters ! You are only about sixty years of age, yet you wiU soon be a drivelin' dotard and hav' no control over yourself." " I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin' my elbows sud- denly into the Squire's stomack, which caused that corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fidlers' box, where he stuck his vener'ble bed into a base drum, and stated " Murder" twice, in a very loud vois. It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was all abed. But a candle — a candle made from taller of our own raisin' — gleamed in Betsy's room ; it gleamed for I ! All was still. The sweet silver moon was a shinin' bright, and the beautiful stars was up to tlicir usual doiiid ! [ felt a sentymontal mood so gently ore me stcaUn', and I pawsod heforo Betsy's winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic voia, as follers, impromtoo, to wit : "Wako, Bossy, wako, My Bweot galoot ! Rise up, fair lady, While I touch my luto ! The winder — I regret to say that the winder went up with a vi'lent crash, and a form robed in spotless white ex- claimed, " Cum into the house, you old fool. To-morrer you'll be goin' round coraplainin' about your liver !" I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin' Lewis Napoleon's Life of Julius Caesar. What a reckless old cuss he was ! Yit Lewis picturs him in glowin' cullers. CsBsar made it lively for the boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewd one million of citizens, male and female — Gauls and Gaulusses — and then he sold another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high- toned Roman genl'men, led on by Mr. Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, C3?sar admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success, the house bein' crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the doors were opened the Ushers had to put up cards on which was printed, " Standm' Room Only." I went to bed at last. " And so," I said, " thou hast no ear for sweet melody?" A silvery snore was my only answer. Bftsy slept. Artemds Ward. I m r nil: ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 1 1 1 ■n .i ' I 81 ^ &■ [The following papor was contributed by Mr. Browne to Vanity Fair, the New York Punch, which terminated its career daring the late war. Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past, but the old fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when first written.] Washington, April 17, 1863. My wife stood before the lookin' glass, a fussin' up her hair. " What you doin', Betsy ? " I in- quired. " Doin' up my back hair," she replied. " Betsy," sed I, with a stern air, " Betsy, you're too old to think about such frivolities as back hair." " Too old? too oldf^ she screamed, " too old, you Bald-heded idiot ! You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to make a decent wig for a single-brested grass-hopper !" The Rebook was severe but merited. Hen84th I shall let my wife's ba-^k hair alone. You heard me ! My little dawter is growin' quite rapid, and begins to scrootinize clothin' with young men inside of it, puthy clost. I obsarve, too, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at nights, and won't let me put my arms round her any more for fear I'll muss her. " Your mother wasn't 'fraid I'd muss her when she was your age, my child," sed I one day, with a sly twinkle into my dark bay eye. " No," replied my little dawter, " she probly liked it." You ain't goin' to fool female Young America much. You may t^amble on that. But all this, which happened in Bald- insville a week ago, haint nothin' to do with Washington, from whither I now write you, hopin' the items I hereby sends will be acceptable to the Gin- Cocktail of America — I mean the Punch thereof. [A mild wittikism. — A.W.] Washington, D. C.,* is the Capital of " our once happy country" — if I may be allowed to koin a ffase ! The D. 0. stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity which abounds here, the most of whom persess a Romantic pashun for gratooi- tous drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I notist for several days a large Hearse standin' in front of the principal tavern on Penn- sylvany Avenoo. " Can you tell me, my fair Castillian," sed I this momin', to a young Spaniard from Tipperary, who was blackin' boots in the wash- room — " can you tell me what those Hearse is kept standin' out there for ?" " Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You've no idea of the number of people who drink at our Bar durin' a day. You see those Hearse is neces sary." Isaw. Standin' in front of the tarvuns ' on Pennsylvany Avenoo is a lot of miserbul wretches — ^black, white and ring strickid, * District of Columbia.— Ed. .UlTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 103 Q Young mble on in Bald- in' to do r I now [ hereby the Gin- le Punch ■A.W.] !!!apital of if I may he D. C. imerosity of •whom : gratooi- unction I lotist for ;andin' in on Penn- tell me, momin', ipperary, le wash- ,at those (re for ?" (isness is number durm' a is neces rvunson miserbul strickid, and freckled — ^with long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you like the wulture upon the turkle-dove the minit you dismerge from hotel. They own yonder four-wheeled startlin' curiosity's, which were used years and years ago by the fust settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best car- rige I saw in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two hundred years ago as a goat-pen. Becumin' so used up that it couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at. auction. Subsekently it was used as a hospital for sick calved, then as a hen- coop, and finally it was put on wheels and is now doin' duty as a hack. I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy. You know he is quite a mariner himself, havin' once owned a Raft of logs on the Connethycut river. So I put on saler stile and hollered : " Ahoy, shipmet ! Tip us yer grapplin irons !" " Yes — ^yes ! " he sed, nervously, " but mercy on us, don't be so noisy." " Ay, ay, my hearty ! But let me sing about how Jack Stokes lost his gal: " The reason why he couldn't gain hor Was becoz he's drunken saler J" " That's very good, indeed," said the Secky, " but this is hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend." " Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, " and I don't care a cuss who goes to the legislator ! But I ax your pardon — Show's things ?" " Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, " a copy of the Middle- town Weekli/ Clarion of February the 15, containin' a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caro- liny, but I hardly credit it." " Air you well, Mr. Secky," sed I. " Is your liver all right ? How's your koff?" " God bless me !" sed the Secky, risin' hastily and glarin' wildly at me, " what do you mean ?" " nothin' partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnit offisser can pack up his trunk and go home whenever he's sick. Sure nothin' don't ail your liver ?" sed I, pokin' him putty vilent in the stummick. I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my umbreller, ard told him I'd have a check for it if he pleased. "That," sed he, "puts me in mind of a little story. There was a man out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's cofiSn out of the back winder for fear he would rub the pamt off the doorway. " Wall, about this time there was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller." " Did it fit hun well ? Was it custom made ? Was he measured for it ?" " Measured for what ?" said Abe. " The umbreller ?" " Wall, as I was sayin'," continnerd the President, treatin' the interruption with apparent contempt, " this man sed he'd Imown that there umbreUer ever since it was a parasol. Ha, ha, ha !" " Yes," sed I, larfin in a respectful manner, but what has this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took his wife's coflSn out of the back winder ?" " To be sure," said Abe — " what was it ? I must have got two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of an- other lit " "Never nund, Your Excellency, I Wf'>r'^ kr 104 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. »';0 called to congratulate you on your career, which has been a honest and a good one — unscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of you — each one of which is a little wuss than the other if possible ! " Tell E. Stanton that his boldness honesty ^nd vigger merits all prase, but to keep his under-garmints on. E. Stanton has appeerently only one weak- ness, which it is, he can't alius keep his under-garmints from flyin' up over his hed. I mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he don't look graceful at it." I took my departer. " Good bye, old sweetness," sed Abe, shakin' me cordguUy by the hand. " Adoo, my Prahayrie flower," I replied, and made my exit. " Twenty- five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquised, as I walked down the street, " is putty good wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run the White House." " What you bowt, sah ? What the debble you doin' sah?" It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me. There was a cullud procession before me, which was escortin' a elderly bald- hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distmguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turning a comer putty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed agm his stummick in a rather strengthy manner. " Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, Sah ?" " Certainly not, by all means ! Procesh !" And they went on. I'm reconstructin' my shpw. I've bo't a collection of life-size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary fore- fathers. I bo't 'em at auction and got 'em cheap. They stand me about two doUars and fifty cents ($2.50) per Revolutionary father. Ever as-always yours, A. Wabd. Afrikm There fore me, •ly bald- in Bates Afrikin I Lybery, luddent I bed a^ jtrengthy progress means! )w. I've Eix figgers ary fore- n and got ibout two 1.50) per rs. Wabd. THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. If I'm drafted I shall resign. Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon me; I shall feel compelled to resign the position in favor of sum more worthy person. Modesty is what ails me. That's what's kept me under. I meanter-say, I shall have to resign if I'm drafted ; everywheres I've bm inrold. «I must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in upards of 200 different towns. If I'd kept on travelin' I should hav eventooally becum a Brigade, in which case I could have held a meetin' and elected myself a Brigadeer-ginral quite onanimiss. I hadn't no idee there was so many of me before. But, serisly, I concluded to stop exhibitin' and make tracks for Baldinsville. My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, and said, " It is me, fayther ! I thank the gods !" She reads the New York Ledger. "Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker!" said Artemus Jr. He reads the New York Clipper. My wife was to the sowin' circle. I knew she and the wimin folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females of the other sowin' circle (which likewise met that arternoon, and was doubtless enjoying theirselves ekally well in slanderin' the fust-named circle), an' I didn't send for her. I alius like to see. people injoy theirselves. My son Orgustus was playin' onto a floot. Orgustus is a ethereal cuss. The twins was buildin' cob-houses in a comer of the kitchin. It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise this family, ^nd yet it 'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock.' An old bachelor is a poor critter. He may have beam the skylark or (what's nearly the same thing) Miss Kellogg and Carlotty Patti sing ; he may have beam Olo Bull fiddle, and all the Dod- worths toot, an' yet he don't know nothin' about music — the real, genuine thing — the music of the laughter of happy, well-fed children 1 And you may ax the father of sich children home to dinner, feeling worry sure there'll be no spoons missm' when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tin five-cent pieces into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs off onto blind bosses for oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when their country's in danger — nor do any- thing which is really mean. I don't mean to intimate that the old batchelor is up to little games of this sort — not at all — ^but I repeat, he's a poor critter. He don't live here ; he only stays. He ought to 'pologize, on behalf of his parients, for bein' here at all. The happy marrid man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wif& |i' i'-'-' ' i '(-< 106 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. and children. The old batchelor don't die at all — ho sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail. My townsmen was sort o' demoralized. There was a evident desine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and patritism was below Par — and Mar too. f A jew desprit.] I hadn't no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I saw sixteen solitary hossmen, ridm' four abreast, wendin' their way up the street. " What's them ? Is it cavalry ?" « That," said the landlord, " is the stage. Sixteen able-bodied citizens has lately bo't the stage line between here and Scootsburg. That's them. They're stage-drivers. Stage-drivers is ex- empt!" I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left hand. " The mail is hevy to-day," said the landlord. "Gin'raUy they don't have more'n half-a-dozen letters 'tween 'em. To-day they've got one apiece ! Bile my lights and liver !'* " And the passengers ?" " There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landlord, " and what few there is, very much prefier to walk, the roads is so rough." " And how ist with you ?" I inquired of the editor of the Bugle Horn of lAherty, who sot near me. "I can't go," he sed, shakm' his head in a wise way. " Ordinarily I should delight to wade in gore, but my bleedin' country bids me stay at home. It is imperatively necessary that I remain here for the purpose of an- nouncin' from week to week, that our Qov'mmt is about to take vigor- ous measures to put down the rebel- lion!'' I strolled into the village oyster saloon, where I found Dr. Schwazey, a leadui' citizen, in a state of mind which showed that he'd bid histin' in more'n his share of pizen. " Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered ; " how's your grandjnams ? When you goin' to feed your stuflfed animils ?" " What's the matter with the eminent physician ?" I pleasantly inquired. " This," he said ; "this is what's the matter. I'm a habitooal drunkard. I'm exempt!" " Jes' so." " Do you see them beans, old»man ?" and he pinted to a plate before him. " Do you see 'em ?" " I do. They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly." « Well," said he, " I hain't eat any- thing smce last week. I eat beans now because I eat beans then. I never mix my vittles 1" " It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin once in a while," I said. " It's a good idee to occasionally instruct the stummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its sustain- ence." " A blessm," he cried — ^" a blessin onto the hed of the man what invented beans ! A blessin onto his hed 1" " Which his name is Gilson ! He's a^ first family of Bostin," said I. This is a speciment of how thmgs was goin' in my place of residence. A few was true blue. The school- master was among 'em. He greeted me warmly. Ho said I was welkim ta i mr'/fprnw'-"^ ■'^■"' I.'t-'i ' ■■ . « 108 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. by no means safe) who turn out two or three cords of money a-day — good money, too. Goes well. These bank- note engravers make good wages. I expect they lay up property. They are full, of Union sentiment. There is considerable Union sentiment in Vir- ginny,more especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah valley. My wife says so too. Then it isn't money we want. But we do want men, and we must have them. We must carry a whirlwind of fire among the foe. We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are poundln' the Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung-shots, and stabbing her with stolen knives ! We must lick 'em quick. We must introduce a large number of first- class funerals among the people of the South. Betsy says so too. This war hain't been too well man- aged. We all know that. What then ? We are all in the same boat — if the boat goes down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It ain't no use to talk now about who caused the war. That's played out. The war is upon us — upon us all — and we must all fight. We can't " reason" the matter with the foe— only with steel and led. When, in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we "reason" with him? I guess not. And why "reason" 'with those other Southern people who are tryin' to kick over the Republic ? Betsy, my wife, says so, too. The meetin' broke up with enthusiasm. We shan't draft in Baldinsville, — not if we can help it. Yours considerably, A. Ward. -^^1^*1^ If*' The End. ■yV?:^..' ,t-if the with her. ; ain't no luaed the le war is i must all le matter and led. 3 noonday )ldly and nut-stand, I guess ith those > tryin' to letsy, my ithusiasm. B, — not if Ward. ^•W*:? I i > ti'' •i,