IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I 1128 112,5 Ii6 i40 12.2 2.0 1.8 1.25 1.4 1.6 ■• 6" ► V]

E\v OR NO r TO Bkat 41 7. lOxcrsKs s. J OfRNALISTIC. 54 62 ^V(3M AX'S WORTH 71 CUTS AND GUARDS THE l.OdIC OF SLOTH, 90 98 Al rORHOTOGRArilS 104 EMI'HASIS AS A VEHICLE OF MALICE 112 i:it'1ii:misms 119 (/ c b ]-: ai I'l MINUTHS or THE TROCKKDINGS OK THE METROPOLITAN SOCIETY OK BEWILDERED QUERISTS. INTRODUCTORY. This famous association was founded by a few enthusiastic dilettanti at a preliminary meeting held by them at the residence of Alexander Ridley, Esq., who officiated as temporary chairman. Professor I'.rasmus A. Pundit thus briefly explained the objects and ends of the proposed organization : — " Ladiks AM) Gentlemen' : There are certain persons of extraordinary mental endowments who, without laying claim to greatness THE UEWILUEKi;!) (JUEUISTS. in any particular art or science, have yet distributed their genius throujj^hout the whole domain of human thought. \Vitlu)ut confininLj their adoration invid- iously to any particular Muse, they worship impar- tially at the altars of the Nine. I'or their aspiring souls the drudgery of detail has been so uncongenial that they have relied largely upon happy inspirations, denied to the many, as substitutes for the crude ele- ments of erudition. With soaring intellects they have sought to grasp the sublimest truths of every science, and, scorning the beaten paths, to explore the forest of knowledge simultaneously on every side. These diffusive enthusiasts are like noble trees that branch out in all directions to catch the sunshine and the breeze, not sending out their arms only to the north to span the stream, nor stretching only to the south to shade the dust}' path, not reaching only heavenwards to approach the sun, nor only straining downwards to pierce the earth's crust. In such de- vious explorations they have gathered many strictly priceless gems, but the value of these, owing to the jealousy of specialists as well as to the habitual mod- esty of us amateurs, has not yet beeji generally recog- nized. It has therefore long been a desideratum that the unappreciated geniuses of this metropolis should form a literary order, which should at the same time THE BK\VIIJ)KRF-I) OIFKISTS. be a medium of communication amon^ tlicmsclvcs and afford a means of conveyint; miscellaneous truths to the outside public. Under these circumstances, Mr. Chairman, I move : 1. That the ladies and gentlemen here present do constitute and style themselves a ' Society for the Tromotion of General Knowledge.' 2. That the proceedings of the association be un- trammeled by any parliamentary rules or precedents. 3. That the sense of the Beautiful and the Seemly- inherent in the members be the sole arbiter as to the subjects and manner of discussion. 4. That the limitless scope of our Society be ex- pressed by assuming the motto, • Quidquid agunt homines.' 5. That weekly meetings be held at the houses of members in rotation." A modest personage took exception to the pro- posed title and motto. Referring to the fact that the merits of the gentlemen assembled had been hitherto strangely unrecognized by the public, he begged to suggest Gray's lines about the flower which " wastes its sweetness on the desert air," and recommended as a fitter designation, "The Society of Hidden Genius." Miss Taack, a lady distantly related to the late 8 riiK 1'.i:\vh,i)i:kki) orF.KisTS. I\Trs. Malaprop, preferred •' Hlatant Talent, "as shorter and equally appropriate. Benjamin Franklin Muj^i^s, Esq., differed from the last speakers, thinkinj^ it extremely inadvisable to pa- I'ade in the teeth of the public its shockin^^ly bad taste. I le believed in push and self-assertion. Or- dinary people were very likely to take societies as well as individuals at their own advertised estimates of themselves. It was absolutely necessary, in his opinion, to lease apartments in Fifth Avenue, and he thought it would be desirable to emblazon on the door some undecipherable Chaldee or Cunei- form motto, surmounted by a crest. In regard to the latter he hesitated between a neat variation on the ever-popular American lCa^L;ie and an oriiji- nal desij^n of some newly-invented antediluvian Saurian — care bein^ taken, of course, that it should be the biggest thing' out in that peculiar line. The title, too, should be bold and sonorous. Perhaps the Excelsior " Union of Universal Com- mentators," or " Galaxy of Great Guns," would do. The President objected that great guns were too often large bores, and was supported by Miss Taack, who avowed herself wholly opposed to " heavy or- dinances." It also transpired that two-thirds of the TiiK im:\vii.I)i;ui:i) (tiKuisTS. pcrsdiis present were a 1 ready euro lied in ,xcel sior :liib> Mr. Mii^i;^ explained that liis pr()i)osal.s were merely tentative. He was perfectly willini^ that they should stj'lc themselves Tip-Toppers, Thus I' ars, or NorilMus Ultras. In fact, he thouiiht one of his sui;^i;estions quite as good as another. Of the last api)ellation, however, Miss Taack would not even near I 7i'(ts aware." remonstrated she. " that th )f le views o! some o! us were considere f di rather radical and advanced ; but I was fiof av .ire that an \'body, much less one of ourselves, could look n-nh .'d ult ras upon us as non-piusse Driven from his hrst positions, the irrepressible ]\Tr. Mul;"l;"s now counselled adt^pting the phraseoloj^y of trade, in deference to the commercial sentiment of the aL;"e. The association, he said, mii;ht be hap- pily termed an cxchan<;e. Its end beinij the pro])aL;a- tion of miscellaneous knowled<'e. as well as the sol f>^» u- tion of miscellaneous doubts, manv ideas would n [iturallv be borrowed, notes of interrogation would j^' be circulated, and doubtle ss a pajier medium o f exchange would be occasionally resorted to. lie '^> 1 accordinL,d)- thought a most appropriate name wouk be " The Yankee Notion Iv\chani;e." Professor Pundit hoped indeed that much that was 1* 10 'iiiK i;i:\vii,1)i;ki:i) nrr.KisTS. \n capital and many stcrlini^ remarks would be current at their mectiiif^s, but lie nevertheless objected on principle to creating any factitious public interest about the society. In his opinion it should stand en tirel ipon its meiits. ^-. '1\) this protest Miss Taack added hers, on the round that "a mercantile desiLjnation was belittling to a bod\- actuated 1)\' hii^h aims and persj)irations towards the inhnite." After many amendments had been successively negatix ed, the chairman said : " LiHi/iiS afid (icutlcmrii : With the exuberant suL-ijestiveness which marks certain of our members, there appears to be some dauLier lest the details of or<^anization mav ccjnsumc an undue proportion of our time. V(^\^ these matters, thouL;h fn -^t in order, are of ver\' nu'nor importance, when compared with the momentous and interesting topics \\hich ma)' natural!)' be expected to occupy the attention of a 1 Iistorico-nuisico-ph)'sico-ethico- technico-catholico-mvthico-arch;eolo^ical association. It is clear that without mutual concessions we shall ne\er possess a constitution or a name, unless indeed it be the ' Order of Perplexed Commentators,' or ' Uewildered ( )uerists.' " O uerists IS a mi; ihty neat term, observe d Ml THE ih:\vili)i:ki:i) oukrists. II O'Callahan, an Irish gentleman, " highly applicable, short, and inexpressive ; but common 'taturs arc like to stick in one's throat, owing to their great size, and the same may be said of commentators. It's proud we should be to belong to a body with a name big enough for the Long Parliament, and obliged '.\-.^ are to our Chairman for the compliment ; but if the pro- ceedings are to be carried on in Greek, I move that we subscribe for a Webster.'' "The Metropolitan Society of Bewildered Que- rists '' was the title e\'entually agreed upon, and, a spirit of compromi e having arisen, it was determined to dispense altogether with a motto. With these ex- ceptions the original resolutions of Professor Pundit were passed. On the motion of a Querist, Mr. Ridley was appointed permanent President, and the follow ing substituted i'or the fourth article of the con- stitution : " 4. That the debating be strictly extemporaneous ; and that otil)' one paper be admissible at each meeting, the subject of such paper to be secretly communicated b\- its author to the presiding officer, and announced b\' the latter to the Querists at the opening of the session." i i 1 12 f i '111 THE HKWILDKkKI) OUERISTS. SICSSION I. !•; President, in introclucin^Lj Miss Taack as the essa)ist of the evenini;, \enturecl to anticipate that, tliouj^li " Cremation " was from its nature a dry- topic, her admirable st}le would in\est it with facti- tious charms. y\fter modestly disclaiming " the capabilities so flat- terinijly imputed to her as a writer of fiction," the lady spoke as follows : * ' My FcUoik' Querists : 1 am not one of those vehement preservatives who, because a thini^ is new, proceed to apply opprobrious epitaj)hs to its authors, or, as some do, to denounce its partisans with fearful im[)lications. But with the individuals who want to blot out of existence our lovely suburban symmetries, and by means of fire to 'sweep the lines where beauty lin<;ers ' and rudely destroy the statuesque cemetery (^f the lifeless features — with these 1 ha\c wv^ j)atience ^\hatever. Such a ' reform' I ccMisider nothintj less than aburninij shame ! To object, indeed, to ct)stly coffms and ostentatious sepulchres, and to favor a cheaper method of dispos- THE I'.KWILDKKKI) OUKRIS'IS. 13 iiig of our dead, may be pardoned as a \'enal fault; but to make chimney ornaments of our fathers' aslies, and incongruously to wreathe with flowers their char- retl remnants, I regard as a fragrant offence against tiecency and taste. They argue that it is unfair to condemn an untried system. Ikit, Mr. President, I ha\e had an extensive experience in cremation upon \ arious I'ourths of July. I have seen fifteen boys' fmgers, three boys' eyes, several female garments, and one complete old lady cremated upon two of those glorious anniversaries. On the latt in tlic morn, 'Ihe milkman tillerini; from hi> rusty sled, The he!|i'> shrill clarion, or the li>hman's liorn, No more shall rouse tlieni from their lofty bed. * For them no m )re the iil.ixin,; fno-grate burns, ( )r bu--\' houNCwife frie> her >avor\' soles, Tliou;di children \'w\ to cla--p their :dreV red uru-. And rc'll them in a familv ijame uf bowls. Tin: r.r,\viM)i:Ki:i) ()Ui:rists. IS Perhaps ill llii^ dc-Mjitcd pot i^ laid Some licait once proi^naiit willi tcnc->tiial lire, IIaiul> liiat tliL- roil paternal may liave swayed, And waked to * ee^tasv the iiviii'^ liar.' I do declare tliat sotnetimcs, when I think of tliese men and their sill)' notions, my hps inv'ohmtarily curl in a contemptible smile. I cannot help suspcct- ini; that some business interest prompts their opposi- tion to the Christian system of inhumanity. The char^^es for burial plots and monuments are indeed exorbitant. A friend of mine paid two or three thou- sand dollars to erect a sinc^le lot." The Professor presiuned that the fair speaker meant a statue or a moniniient, as one coiUd hardlv talk of erect m; tl le soi l\Iiss Taack — " Perhaps I may have misunderstood the term, for I always supposed the white statues in :ra\'e\'arcls u'l re the ' lots,' beinir emblematical of Lot's wife, who was turned into a pillar of salt. Tlii^ tlesiL;ii aj)peared to me sinL;"uiarly poetical m conse- (picnce of the inclination of d\'inL;" persons to * cast one loni-insj;, lin^-erinsj: look behind.' Ihit whate\-er they are made of, high-priced hjts are certainly * 1 1 Ecbla>y — uvei wliclmiiij^ excileineiU." — U'i'/'j/l/; i6 'IIII-: i!i;\vii.i)r.ki:i) (ukkisis. ^rouiuls for reasonable complaint. 'i'his, however, d the odious alternative IS not enoujj h t o reconinien which has been proposed ; and which, I j^epcat my belief, has been suL,^i;"ested by an interested antai^o- nism to the undertaking;- and mourninf^ establishments, to the ' decent hearse ' and * custom-made suits of solemn black,' to cpiote the expressive words of Shakspeare. This suspicion, Mr. President, rouses m\- \irtuous indignation and suffuses m}' checks with ' the blushes of ini^enious shame,' as the poet so aptly expresses it. I'^specially when I reflect that the mis- erable incendiaries, while they chatter about sanitary reform and ascetics, arc in reality underminini;- the lity of doctrines of the resurrection and the i mmora tl le sou {.l/^p/aiisc.) Mr. Mui;"g,s cordially indorsed the sentiments of the eloquent lady : f )r his part he was always oi)pos- cd to " robbing the poor man of his bier." The President obser\ed that it was merely a mat- ter of taste. Personally, he preferred smoking to the bier. Perhaps it might soothe the lady's indig- nation to reflect that in questions of change merce- nary considerations were inevitable. O'Callahan averred that he had no ambition to sleep with his forefathers before his ti me, as le wou Id have to when cremation became the fashion, unless » THF, IIKWII.DKRKI) < )rr,RISI'S. 17 bis laiulhuly would like to have their urns in the par- lor. The innovation would be (lestructi\e of affection for the dead. 1 low could a widow talk of the " dear departed," when his incineration only cost five dol- lars and a half? The President deprecated giving a senti.nental turn to the discussion. Nevertheless," said he, " I cannot refrain from observing that I should like, when I have passed away, like a withered rose, to ' lie scentless and dead.' Besides, ' E'en from the j^ravc the voice of Nature ciie> E'en in our asiies live their wonted fires ; ' an d, as my disposition is not an ungrateful one, it is natiu-al that I should desire a grate-full end." Muggs remarked that the sacred urn miirht become a very handy receptacle for " stolen waters," in a tee- total family. The " fence " of' the future likewise ould >robabl)' be surrounded by a n imerous ances- \\ tr >' ever, m the variety ot opinions cxistm f lut give me a hale and sttnit old age that goes down with undiminished spir- its to the bier. Alcohol is the best known remedy Tin: r.i;\viM)i;ui:i) (hkkists. 21 for various afnictions, iiicliuliiiL; lunlrophobia and the l)itcs of snakes — not that 1 l;() so far as tlic ' Jolly I*ostbo\'s,' who claimed it to be an antidote ai-ainst the (^Id Serpent himself: ♦ Wlii^Uy is I lie ^uicst (,'iircr of evil, And at llic end of life Will save us from the devil.' It certainly is a soverciijn counteractive to that particular variety of bad spirits coininonly denomi- nated 'the blue devils.' No one, I fancy, will ven- ture to deny that s//// waters arc the best preventive )f oi sea-sickness cki Taken in excess, stimulants arc doubtless injiu-i- ous ; but so arc candies, tea and ice. In fact the baneful abuse of the kist commodity, especially when used soon after hot viands or drinks, merits the inter- ference of the Society for the Suppressi(~)n of Vice. Tea destroys the nerves and indirectly multiplies scan- dais w hile tobacco, with all deference to our Lfenia 1 President, is the cause that so nic.n'of our vouths cro to weec Is. Yet no one therefore wishes to stop a moderate indulgence in these lu.xuries. I want to observe that I am wholl\- unprejudiced against water. I find it extremely convenient to H r:n 1:3 r :.l 22 TiiK r,i;\vTM)Kui:i) ori:uisTs. wasli in, iiiul I own that il is very useful in manufac- I'^or au'jlit tluit I turc S. (' ,^ • ' |jrf\\in!j and (lislilliiii know t(» the contraiy, il ma)' e\en be palatable as a drink. It is true that I disapprove of niixinc^ it with upiors, kiiowin: how ;"ra\e a responsibilit}' is involv cd in tlu' dilution ; for it is manifest that when spirits have lost their body they become disembodied spirits ! \\'h>', then, while I concede the merits of Iheir beverai;e, do prohibitionists remain blind to the virtues of mine ? When I j^rant them the unlimited cnjo)-ment o( tJic'ir faxorite water and milk, why do lliey refuse me a limited induls^'ence in my fa\(.)rite ^in and bitters? l)en\' it as lhe\' may, they are actuated b\' an unchristian spirit of bitter persecution. I am unable to discove*r an\' sweeping- scriptur.d pr(jhibition of wine ; and whiskey, rum and brandy arc not even alluded to by the inspired writers, many of whom — it is important to recollect — were proi)hets. On the other hand, some commentators trace the fall of the first man to the demoraliziuL^ influence of total abstinence. In support of this position they uri;e the fact that Wiilcr was Adam's ale ; while Noah, the introducer of the vine, was sinL;"led out for preserva- tion from the Delu;_^e. The publicans of the Christian era, too, are favorably contrasted with the I'liarisecs, who correspond to the temperance fanatics of to-day." riiK iiKwii.Dr.Kr.i) (irKRisTS. 23 (iinii { which n O urist {Cries of '' Order f order, lh\i:^iii'(i to remind the speaker that the piiblitans of 'ere a totally dijfereiit class from modern that aire public-house keepers. ) •'T'" ncinbcr's correction was iimiccdcd," MiiLT'Jfs COlUl iic'l 'i scvcrit)' i'Mioraiit as I ma\' be. I was iioL unaware of that tlistinctio n, Tlu e spreat 1 of civilization, I know, li. is made the Anieric.m bar very ludike its Jiahean prototN'pe. SIinL;s, smashes, eye- openers, and all iced innovations, were 11' \ material aclvantaL^cs claimed for ardent liquors. If the L^entleman's reproach TiVvv true, that tobacco sent youni,^ men i^radually to weeds, it couKl be said with equal truth that drunkenness made i'/s votaries go rapidly to pot. To the frequent occurrence of delirium tremens he attributed the d-t-rioration of the human race. It was noteworthy that rabid doc;"s abandoned water and took to wine ; and he viewed the first sips of this allurinj^ liquid as sii^ns of incip- ient insanity in men. At the same time he admitted that the uncompromising disposition of teetotalers was injurious to their cause, although it was not unnatural that their antipathy to cordials should be a cordial detestation. Intemperance, lie felt sure, would be more eftectually checked by social ostracism than by legislative prohibitio. or praying bands. Those loose characters who were habitually tight should be excluded from every respectable circle. Miss Taack also wished to make a few remarks on what she called "the fluid but pernicious speech of Mr. ^Iiiggs." In her opinion one of the greatest nuisances connected with taverns was the crowds of leeriuLT loafers who infestctl their doors. It often re([uired a bold woman to run the gauntlet of gam- blers, politicians antl vulgai spendthrifts, with their wonted retinue of ])urseless parricides, tittering at Tin: r-KWILDERKD (UKRISTS. u.-; their jokes. Spirits she C(JiisidcreJ were injurio at the best; but tliosc wliich wore perniittetl to l)e sold were simply murderous. What was commonly retailed as brandy was, as she was creditabh' iu- f( ormec no thincr more than colored alcohol a II c water, deluded with vitriol to increase its strenirth. No fraud was more execrable tha n tl le ilmmir off of these impure mixtures and adulterous co m- )0unds. Here O'Callahan, noticiuLT what he stieniatized fc> as "impolite exhibitions of suppressed mirth," whis pered to a neighbor that the offence undeniably 7i'(7s committed in the spirit ! The Querist addressed answered ungallanth' that ladies who wielded to(j heavy w eapons were alw a)'s liable to wound themselves. At this imputation, which unfortunately reached her ears, ]\Iiss Taark fired up. She protested that she had no preference for lengthy words, if that was what the gentleman meant. ICrrors slie might make ; but at least she '* //v'tv/ to use the plainest and most idiotic I'Jiglish," Mr. Muggs m(jved an adjournment, remarking that it was growing unconscionably late. Consider- ing the hour, he thought a treatment of the ( hierists preleiTible to an}' further treatment of the subject. li m 3' 26 THE 15E\V[LDKKKD OUl.RISTS. 'I'his resolution being unanimously carried, Mugf^s led a majority of the members on the broad path which conducted to a contij^uous sample-room, where be alarmed his victims with the foUowint^ conundrum : Vhy is a rabid clown like a glass of bottled < I ^ bcei Ans7ucr of audience y suffering from Jiope deferred : Ciive it up. Anszvcr to conundrum : "Because lie's a foaming tumbler!" Effect upon the crowd — l^ig drinks. J^hral for publicans: Discourage riddles before drinl \S. 1: . 1' 1 i \ ! 1 i J THE BEWILDERED (.)UKKISTS. SESSION III. MOTTOES AND SAWS. Tins short session was mainly occupied by anec- dotes narrated by Miss Taack, which are here re- ported verbatim : V. MA I' J Fi:i.LOW OiKKisrs Certain circumstances have lately couic under my notice which liave revolutionized my reelinL;s on the subject of mottoes, and made me rci^ard them as a dilution and a snare. I am acquainted \\ rth k a woman wno keeps one oi tnosc numan ex- f th changes which some one with bitter irony has named intelligence offices. This lady informed mc of her design to embellish her shop-front with a motto. I ventured to suggest 'Ivxcelsior' as peculiarly ap- propriate, having learned from the Professor that the word meant ' hire.' Shortly after she had adopt- ed my suggestion I had occasion to visit the office again, and was told by the proprietress that the business had fallen off in some incomprchensivc i\ II'' !r, ' HH' '! 1[ I 28 THE P.F.Wir.DKRF.D QUERISTS. manner, it liaving c]^()t abroad that she had raised her fees or was encouraging^ help to ask for liiglier terms. The other day I assisted at the birth of an l^arly Rising Association. The question of a motto was the very first that came up. Some one proposed 'The early bird catches the worm.' But one of the members sensibly observed that unfeathered bipeds could unfortunately catch the worms without early rising. 'Let us then be ?(/^,' recommended an admirer of Longfellow. ' And doing,' added a fraudulent looking member. ' With a heart for any f(."'tc,' said a gay x'otary of fashion. 'With a hart for any fete,' echoed a lover of venison. ' Sti/l achieving,' said a gentleman interested in the manufacture of stills. ' ^7/// pursuing,' put in a revenue policeman. ' Learn to labor and to ■iK.'ait, said an honest foot- man. ' And to wait,' chimed in an indolent member. Hy this time I became convinced that, what with the cunning of their adopters, and the double inten- dcrs of their authors, mottoes were capable of chang- ing their hues lil.e camelopards. And 1 have come TIIK r,K\VII-DKRKD QUERISTS. 29 to almost the same conclusion about qr.otations of e\er\' sort. There was my t^reat-tj^randfather who suffered twice from his veneration for Shakespeare. lie once re- fused a baronetc}', so penetrated was he by the KinL;'s despair in Ilainlct, wlien lie rem( .se fully exclaims, Oh, my offence is rank I suppose )'ou arc aware that m\' ancestor was a believer in the emi- gration of souls. lie held that our spirit sucees- si\ely went through the whole scale of cpiadrupeds. During a warm discussion on the subject he wagered a hundred pounds that \V. Shakespeare shared his be- lief. This he endeavored to prove by pointing out that the poet makes Hamlet observe that the dreamy state following death 'must give ws paws," and that in alluding" to deceased persons the dramatist nn^re than once uses tl le re mar kabl c expression, uid thereby hangs a tail.' Ihit on reference it was found that the author in his ignorance had misspelt the W(^rds ; and my great-grandfather lost the stakes be- cause l^acon had not written .Shakespeare. l-)Ut what can we expect from a fellow who could not sj)e]l his own name ! Other members of our famih' have been similarl)' misled b}' gnive authorities. My uncle, a missionary on the west coast of Africa, dictl of a text. While flying from a zebra, which hap[)ened to be at m 'I I ,!:: HKI • ( If 30 'iiiK r,i:\vii,Di:RT:D oukrists. ii^ i' i I I' i"' : iir :i i I ■I u Ik the same time flx-iiiL;" from him, he fearlessl)' advanced to witliin a few \-ards of a family o( leopards, havin<; full faith in the scriptural assurance that the leopards could not chani^e their spots. Ikit ihcy did ; and what was more unpleasant, they ' knock :d spots' out of him." Mr. Mug^^s felicitated the lady on her j^reat-grand- father's declension of the baronetcy. Vov his own part he thought the title of a gentleman fully equiva- lent to a peerage. As for the importance which the benighted liritish attached to the petty style of bar- onet, it was simply sirprizing. Miss Taack said she was herself opposed to obso- lete monarchy and indeed to the enjoyment of special amenities by any class ; but she owned a weakness for the sound of ** Lady Taack." A member remarked that a baronetage in the fami- ly would hardly make her a titled lady. Muggs perceived the Querist was unaware that all invidious distinctions between aristocrats had been abolished by the American weekly romancists, who ought to be the best authorities on the subject, judg- ing from their apparent familiarity with people of rank. According to these popular writers, the daughter of a baronet had as good a right to be Lady Ilonoria or Lady Lsmeralda as the daughter of a duke. Tin: IJKWII.DKKKI) (H'KKISTS. 31 I\Tr. O'Callahan boltllv avowed himself an aristo- crat, as became one of the numerous descendants of 1 >iian W oru. He liked to see the old Milesian titles ke[)t up —The O'Donohue, The O'Grad)-, The O'Cal- lahan, and The Devil. I le himself used always to as- sert his rii^ht to the ancestral prefix, which he had printed on his cards ; but soon after his arrival in this country he was constrained by a second-hand insult to abandon the style. A low-lived Irish Yankee, named Pat O'Callahan, had. left a card upon him bear- ing the inscription, " I'he other O'Callahan ! " Such radicals, he was glad to say, were generally no-tory- ous characters. Miss Taack expressed her pleasure at discovcing that The. Tilton was a nobleman the Third Session. an d th us en dcd m '\ % m •if ii 32 TiiK i;i:\vii,Dr.ki:D (^lkkists. SESSION IV. The President said that no Querist had expressed an intention of addressini; tlie meetint;, and he would therefore take this opportunity to brini;" before the Society an important AIS., discovered by him, during a recent ItaHan tour, at the town of Assisi. In de- ciphering its bhu'red and illegible characters he Nvas greatly indebted to the kind assistance of their learned confrere, Prof. Pundit. The lucubration, he was sorry to say, was incomplete, being only a FRAGMENT OF A MEDI/EVAL MIRACLE PLAY. Ascribed to St. Fraiuisd'Assisi. Dramatis Personm:.— Balaam and his Ass. Enter Balaam on ass-hack. Tents of Ascaloii in the background. Balaam {beating his donkey). " Will you go on ? " A?>^ {kickiug). " Willjw/ go off? " Bal. " By the holy Moses, no ! " TIIK JiKWILDl'RKI) (QUERISTS. 33 Ass (lookiiii^ askance). " Let your nay be nay." Bal. {astointdcii at his assiira/icc). " Let your b..iy be bray. Speak to your associates." Ass. " Cease to assimilate yourself to us." /fcrc Inilaaui on the SPUR of the moment commits an assan/t. Ass " Ila ! assaults and damages ! Recollect the assizes and Old l^ailey." ]?AL. {pnlling the cnrb). " How do you like that ? " Ass. " Not a /;//." Bal. {p/yi-";- his spnrs). " No longer shall I be a standing ]o\<.Q,'' Ass [satirically). " Why not ralher try the pow- er of moving speeches ? " ]]al. {spni'j'ing assiduously). "Ha! you mock me!" Ass. [a'ith asperity). " Ungodly man, pause ere you become an assassin." Bal. {zcith unbridled wrath). *' Nay, if you be a spirit, I'll try a boater means of communicating with you. {Heats him.) How's that for spirit-rapping ? " Ass {throwing his rider). " How's that for tablc- turninir?" The donkey gains a complete ascendency. Exit Ba- laam i?i a Jit of asthma. * ? rr - ; i * * # The MS. lie;e concludes with asterisks. 34 TIIK l!i;\VIM)Kki:D OUKRISTS. i Tlic Professor opined tliat the donkey showed such u marked superiority in his asides that the prophet must liave felt quite ashamed. Muggs always considered the ass a mean and frac- tious creature which would never assent to reason. Wlicn you say * i^o ! ' he goes not, and when you say * wo ! ' he won't. lie believed in treating them ho- nuL'opathically — when they stick, apply the stick. A friend of his realized a thousand dollars by backing iA\ obstinate donkey against another equally cantan- kerous. He turned the beast's hind-quarters to the goal and flogged steadily. He made the mile in fifty minutes, distancing his competitor. The Professor suggested that this obstinacy might often be due to the cruelty of riders. He had known donkeys quite ** bowed down with weight of wo ! " In reply to an inquiry the President explained that the original was written in Leonine verse ; and after some further discussion the meeting adjourned. THE IJEWILDKRKl) ()UI:RISTS. 31 SESSION V. " Ladies and Genteemen," observed the rrcsident in opening the proceedings, " Mr. Pundit had purpos- ed introducing an important and vexed question at our present nieeting. But perceiving an exception- ally large muster of classical members, he has acted upon my advice, and, deferring to a future occasion his remarks upon the subject alluded to, will take this favorable opportunity of submitting to your criti- cism an academical paper which marks a new and pro- gressive era in Collegiate education." AVhereupon, the President having duly rapped for silence. Professor Pundit proceeded to read, amid the rapt attention of the Querists, the following examina- tion paper : I ABNORMAL COLLEGE. CLASSICAL EXAMINATION OF FRESHMEN, •• April 1st, 1874. L Did the m)'th of Jupiter's descent in a shower of * Some of these questions were publihlied in llic A'oiind 'J al'lc, as "a melancholy evidence uf the effects of prolonged classical training u[)on a vigorous and creative intellect! " 'W'\. 1*1 ft % 3<5 TiiK r.i;\vii,i)KRi:i) quicrists. „i?i ;! li ^old, ori;^Mn;ite in the fact of his bcin^^ a reigning sovereign ? II. (d) Did Achilles after his immersion in the Styx originate the phrase "no heel-taps ? " (/>>) ICxploilcthc paradox that his wound " on the heal " could not be cured. * III. Refute the theory that the smoke of Mount /I'ltna proceeded from the briar-root of Briarcus con- fmed there. IV. (d) May a lady's trunk be compared with the Vocative because it is the case of a dress ? {l>) Prove the identity of a Christmas box with the Dative Case. V. Docs Virgil's phrase, " ficto pcctorc fatur," es- tablish the fact that tl ancients had anticipated one of the modern fashions ? In this connection also ex- amine the expression addressed to the Queen of Beauty, " Quid natum falsis ludis imaginibus" — JlVij' do you mock your son with false forms ^ VI. If Julius Agricola in his invasion of Caledonia penetrated to Forfar, did he go twice two far ? VII. Construe the words of the ^Eneid, *' Hcu, mis- TiiK 1)i;\vii.I)i;ki:d (^ikkists. 11 crandc pucr ! " and show that the rciulcrin<^, " A lass, unhappy hid ! " is no less objectionable than " Hugh, }-ou wretched boy! " VIII. Can the legend of the birth of Castor and Pollux from an egg be correctly termed a Lay of Ancient Greece? IX. May the unprofitableness of literature among the Romans be inferred from the statement of Sallust and other writers, that they did not possess the price of admission to the Opera (non operiu pretium est) ? Or is the phrase only a delicate mode of " putting in " for " dead-head " tickets ? X. Arc we to suppose that vegetable as well as ani- mal life was suspended in the realms of Pluto ? Is the supposition warranted by Virgil's allusion to " lucos vStygis," groves of sticks / XI. Does the fervent exclamation of Anna, '* O luce magis dilecta sorori," show that she loved Dido more than her other sister Lucy ? XII. Who was the tall general referred to by the poet in the following lines — - *' The kites know well the long stern Swell That bidb the Romans close " ? I i i !l' I It .| MMi' •8 'nil': i!i:\vii.i)i:Ri:r) (,)Ui:Ris'rs. XII I. Is llic existence of a financial crisis in Olym- pus to be presumed from Juno's going to /Eolus to " rai.~e" the wind?" Would the advances made by the King of the Winds naturally take the shape of inflated currency or some other circulating medium? XIV. Show by etymological deduction that the tale of the founding of Rome was merely a sailor's yarn, giving its duv, importance to the fact that Remus meant an oar, coupled with the manifest derivation of /vVu'-mulus. Does this satisfactorily account for the celebrated row between the brothers ? ^11 l\Iiss Taack complimented the Professor unon his searching and suggestive paper. *' What an inesti- jiial)le benefit," she wen.t on to say, " the undergrad- uates of the Abnormal College must enjo}", whose la- bors are persecuted under such capable direction! For me entomolog)- has always had a peculiar fascina- tion. What wondrous moral truths we gather from the study of words ! I3\' it we corroborate our belief that the 7cickcd will bo lighted at the last, and that ciiicyatioi! is the nahiral i)rocess for disposing of the remains of sinners. I'liv'sical and historical facts also are often strangely proved by derivations. In my I THK BKWILDKKKI) ( U'KKISI'S. 39 school days I was taught the interesting coincidence that the Greek verb ao, to breathe, was compounded of a and o, embodying the fact that breath is the alpha and omega of human existence. Willi what honest pride did I discover that the intellectu- al supremacy of my nati\-e city was verihed by the m( eaning of its name — Boston, the boss-town ! O n the other hand the degrading descent of the Aryan race, now the noblest family of mankind, is too plainly prox'ed by its humiliating derivation, hairy 'un ! " The fair Querist paused with visible emotion. " i\nd with what edification," she presently resum- ed, " I listened to a self-educated Cockney divine ex- posing the entomological baseness of Satan ! * Xot onh',' said the learned preacher, ' do his Greek names signify Slatidcrcr and Destroyer, but his common luiglish appellation is the vilest word in our language. Complete, il is the devil ; diminished b\- a letter, it be- comes evil ; by two, it appears as vil[e) ; b\' three, it leaves us //(/) ; by four, and it is 'ell / ' i\nd the im- aginative minister, perhaps mistaking his pulpit for the whole word and having faith in the text which counsels resistance, concluded his displa\' of su[)crl.i- tive philology with an edifying exhibition of muscular ChristianitN'." JMuggs agreed with the lady and Archbishop Trench ', t r. i > f ^1 !■; 40 THE BEWILDERED QUERISTS. I it thilt sonic very important truths were contained in words. Luscious, for example, as he begged to inibrm teetotalers, was derived from " lush." He could vouch for the correctness of this etymology, for he was very familiar with the root. And this suggestive derivation reminded him that the session had been protracted to a degree that would have dis- tressed a certain estimable Governor of North Caro- lina, justly famed for a short and pithy speech. I'he member hereupon moving to adjourn, the Society unanimously carried out the motion. V. THE BEWILDKRKD QUERISTS. 41 SESSION VI. " * To beat or not to beat, that is the question ' of the eveninji," announced the President, assumiuLr the insignia of office. The quotation is not exact is more strikinir tlian to a /, but I flatter myself that it tlie original. I shall now leave my friend the Pro- fessor, to continue the soliloquy. The learned Que- rist had hoped to present an illustrated lecture, but was sini^ularly unsuccessful in sccurinij a corpus vile, or recipient, for his illustrations." With the alacrity of one entering upon a congenial subject, the Professor took the floor and said : ■% I'i- m i . i ■V ■ :,- " Mr. President, Ladies and Gexteemex : My subject maybe conveniently divided into four heads : (i) the persons to flog, (2) the persons to be flogged, (3) the instruments with which to flog, (4) and lastl}' the acUisability of flogging. In this arrange- ment it will be obscr\'ed that 1 have followed the ex- ample (>{ that impulsi\'e judge who was wont to hang first and try at'terwards. In the correction of youth 1 have founil this a most effective mode of pro- n I • ! ■I " ;li n I 42 THE r>i:wrLDERED QUERISTS. ccdiirc. Tnvcsti'jatc tlic offence hcfov' tlic flocrsjincr and tlie ciili)rit will tliink of a hundred perplexins. fall; icies lecessity is the mother of in\enti( Ml. Investigate the offence after the floirginL^, and the de- incjuen t. h Ki\ incr nothing now to iear, will iisua 11 illy make an open confession, always proxided that lie has an)'thini.^^ to confess. If it should haj^pcn to be otherwise, my usual course is to credit the youth with one caning in advance, and dismiss him with full for- giveness for all the mental agitation he has caused mc — for, s'o far as the bodily exertion goes, it is a hcal- th}' and exhilarating" exercise. And this leads me to the first division of my sub- ject. The wieldcr of the rod should be endowed with peculiar moral and physical gifts. The sliglitest in- dication of hilarity on liis part will destroy the moral effect, which on th., cc^n'rary is often enhanced by earnest protestations of ' the sorrow with which he executes his painful dut\*.' He should remember also to make tlie concludinij strokes the most sex'er I n fact the philosophic flagellant should imitate the prin- cii)le of an oratorical climax, wliich should grow stronger and more impressi\-e at each stage, for what ma\' be in itself ca[)ab!e of thrilling the intellect or the ner\'es loses its eUicacy when succeeding a more [)ow- erful shock. A good knowledge of human anatomy THK r.KWILDKRKD QUI-KIS'1'S. 43 rr ^k^ IC and an accurate car for sou ind arc va luabl( qu alifi- cations in a|)pl\-ini;' the ari:;itiiicntuii! a postcrioi-i, for some boys have extensive wardrobes and a fair idea of fortification. 'or is a cross-e\x' Avithout its uses to the castigator ; for it is often hiL^liI}- inth'screet to look directl)' at your oljjective poini:, and an nn- j:,ruarded ghmce at the thumb-joint cm- tlie nails of the floirnec is ahnost inwiriabh^ followed b\' a fiinch. To t5j5 all these natural advanta<^es a good wine' is a desirable adjunct, particularly durini; iier\erse exhibitions of }'outhful ability. At the same time it is important that the pursuit be alwa\'s conducted in L;"ood order ; nor can I approve the spectacle of a learned preceptor wadini^ streams or climbin*^ trees in a probably inef- fectual chase. Finally, the rod should not be per- mitted to the \c )un'. n( au , the weak, or the uni;"overned : for it is symbolic of parental thorit}' ; not to the weak, lest they learn by cxpcri- )t to the V ounc ence that to bear i s not SN'nonymous with to carry not to the uni^overned, lest they use it capriciously, or )'ield to a passion for variety — like Squeers in the stor\-, who could not resist the charm of thrashincr a b ov m a ca b. The President bcL-'jed leave t(^ susicjest the desir abililN' of dele<'"atintj' the i)ainful task to salaried ex- perts. \ corps of corpulent corporals, after a proper i' p I :. i> i- 1: • li t« c w 44 TIIK r.KWILDl.KKI) ( )UI-:K[S'I"S, I Is I course of correction, mi^lit inflict 'corporal pun-ish- ment in every sense of the term. A (Querist thouiiht it would be a refinement of bar- barity thus to wound the sensibilities simultaneously with the senses. The sons of Mars should only wield their weapons in the wars. Another member : " Punic wars ? " This act of hardihood having been duly rebuked by groans, Prof. Pundit explained that he could never countenance the withdrawal of the ferule from the hands of responsible preceptors. Some of them doubtless were badly qualified for its exercise. Indeed one pedagogue had owned to him an over- mastering desire to " pandy " with his walking-stick the outstretched palms of a certain blind beggar, which the latter was wont to present to passers-by in a most convenient and alluring manner. But the in- stincts of amateurs, he believed, were still more fre- quently cruel. One of his own earliest recollections was being spanked under false pretences by a sister only slightly his senior. l)efore he was four years old, she had approached him with a countenance more in sorrow than in anger, and sophistically per- suaded him, first, that he hatl just conmiitted a mortal sin in eating too much dinner, and, secondly, that it was her painful duty to give, and his painful duty to THE r.Kwii.Di'.Rr.T) (;ui:rists. 45 1- >y receive a wliippinj^ — \vhich wbippini:;; --Aas c;ravely inflicted behind a curtain in a must ;mprcssi\c and humiliating' mod A favorite pastime of a beautiful livini;' member of the English aristocracy was to tie a spoon-bait to the lee;" of a duck and let it loose in a lake swarming with pike, and, when one of these had hooked itself, to watch the struggle of the fish to drown the bird and of the bird to land the fish. The narration of this last fact might perhaps seem out of place ; but it was not really so, for a cruel substitute for the flogging-rod was quite as much to be expected from amateurs as a cruel substitute for the fishing- rod. A mythical tyrant has been credited with a very ingenious experiment in flagellation, which was, like the nightingale, " most musical and melancholy." One morning aP breakfast, while regaling himself as usual by witnessing the administration of the bas- tinado, he was forcibly struck by the variety of tone developed in the groans of different victims. An idea flashed upon him to select eight criminals whose in- variable custom it was to moan promptly on the re- ceipt of each lash, and whc^sc moans should be found to form a complete octave. On this human harp he purposed to practise simple airs. He expected, he said, by skilful whaling t(^ elicit wailing melodies, and to play sole- stirring tunes upon the malefactors' Ai m 91 ft '•I 'si if ■ 'I- Hil! •'tf: I I II 'I 46 TiiK i]i;\vii.I)i:ki:i) (; TS. feet. The pr()l(3n!4"atioii of tli j could possibly be rc^L;"ul cited by the violence of tue blow, and he ho[)ed eventuall}' to succeed in strikin<4- quavers, crotchets, minims and semibreves at will. Accordingly vari- ous aiTan<;emcnts of the convicts were tried, but none produced a faultless scale ; whereupon some of the spectators having been seized and pressed into the service, a perfect gamut was at length obtained. A few bars were played with gratif)'ing success, and the despot was facetiously congratulating himself upon his "musical feet," when it was found that the vocal in- strument was extremely liable to being knocked out of tunc, a note, when struck the third or fourth time, often responding in an urexpected ke}\ Thus the in- ventive tyrant, failingto detect the principle which un- derlay this mutability of tone, was forced to abandon his musical experiment, and content himself with the bare discc/ery of foot-notes. Were his sj'stcm ever to be perfected and introduced into our schools, the instructor could convert eight liars into a compound whole, and, in one sense more than Gray's Pyard, " Willi a ma'-tci's liaiul and prophet's fire vStiikc ihc deep sorrows of his lyre ! " " In entering upon my second division, the per- sons to be flogged," continued the Professor, return- THE BF.WILDKRr.I) rtl'.y act to lick a saucer! 'I'his odious idea," retorted the I'l'ofessor niav have naturally su<^'^"ested itself to the irrepressible Querist over his cujis ; and considering his besetting propensity, I am willing to pardon the atrocity. On the whole I am opposed to the flogging of adults, ex- cepting criminals guilty of extraordinary brutality. I am especially pleased that the old statute has been repealed which permitted a man to beat his wife with a rod no thicker than his little fmger. It would spoil a good or a middling woman, and be too thin for a bad one. The corporal punishment of enlisted men I deem injudicious as well as tyrannical, for I believe, with Horace, that warriors accustomed to be whipped in time of peace arc the more likely to let themselves be whipped in time of war. Thirdly, in deciding upon the instrument to be employed, it will be necessary first to consider the nature of the offence. I"or we must not, Draco-like, chastise all faults with equal severity, nor, as the Ro- man poet puts it. ' Nee sculic.a (li}j;mim ln)rril)iU sectcre nagello,' ' Nor visit with the cruel scourge a boy that wauts the strap.' Next we should have regard to the sound and the THE r.EWILDr.Ur.D OUKKISTS. 49 sensation produced by tlic corrective itn[)lenient, and the circumstances under which it is to be used. Wlien, for the i)urp()se of inliniitlatiiiL; the deprj\cd, the execution takes place coram populo, that is bcfoie the school, a resoundin<^ rod or cat-of-nine-tails should be called into requisition, and applied with a \ iew to the acoustir effect, mainly to the back, with, of course, occasional visits to the legs, where the feel- ings are more acute. During the presence of visitors, lunvevcr, the deterrent benefit of publicit)- must be waived, and recourse had to the private stud\- and the whip, to be addressed exclusively to the tenderer points. On such occasions it is well to divest the cul- prit of his shoes, or to revive the anticpiated but con- venient system of ' horsing,' in order to preclude noisy and inopportune stampings on the floor. I lia\e e\en f(.)und it expedient, during the session of a meddling board of trustees, to replace the whip by a bunch of net- tles, wielded, I need hardly observe, with gloved hands. Having on that occasion, with prudent forethought, ordered the delinquent to his bed, I both found the process less laborious, and the few cries which pene- trated from the dormitory to the board-room were ha})pily mistaken for the whinings of an inwilid. A supple rod is generally more durable than a stiff one, but must be warily used. In the hands of a too en- 3 v.. >-i :( 1: i 50 TFiF, i;i:\vir,i)i:Ri:i) qljf:rists. ^ t i ! i I i. tluisiaS'ic noLTircr it is liable to miss the Iciis of a nim- blc malefactor and come in contact with the striker's person — niakini^ the misunderstandinLj a most un- pleasant one. I had intended to touch li^jhtly upon those portions of the human anatomy which arc the most sensitive to pain, but, beini^ unhappily with- out an assistant, I must needs omit this interest- infj department of my subject, unless, indeed, some Querist will kindly volunteer to be the medium of illustration. * The advisability of flogging,' which forms my fourth heading, is sufficiently established by the marked deterioration of the young, incident upon the general disuse of this mode of discipline in our pub- lic and private schools, lioys of from seven to seven- teen enjoy almost a monopoly of certahi streets in the metropolis and other cities for the practice of base- ball and pyrotechnics, single combats and e\'il com- munications ; and rash citi/.ens who venture to ques- tion their proprietary rights are treated to a volley of slang, stones, or saliva, according to their size, age, and sex. In the more plebeian neighborhoods bands of pubescent bravos, w^ell known to the police, infest the thoroughfares and emulate their exemplars, Dick Turpin and Sixteen-String Jack, with a boldness in- THE r.EWlLDKkED QUERISTS. 51 ' i? ducccl by past immunity from tlio lash and (too prob- ably) future immunity from the L;allo\vs." Miss Taack observed that she couUl vouch for the alarming spread of youthful degeneracy. It was im- possible to say where it would end ; but she noticed with consternation that we already had thousands o( uband(jncd infants ! " In the public schools," the Professor proceeded to say, " half of the teacher's time is occupied in watch- ing and ter^iporizing with tricksters, who smile at ac- cumulated punishments which they know must be partly, if not entirely, condoned, because otherwise their preceptors would be exclusively occupied in re- cording and examining impositions. Thus the poor instructors are becoming a byword and scorn to the scholars and their parents, for while the improvement of well-meaning pupils is their most important and expected task, they are diverted from its due per- formance by the tricks of the ill disposed." The speaker was here again interrupted by Miss Taack, who exclaimed that a teacher's notions of " di- version " must be somewhat different to hers ! She had imagined that the fun was all on the side of the scholars ; for in her own school-days she had often seen the French mistress de[)loral)ly agitated, and the unfeeling pupils dilated at her distress. m u it I; ill n ■-A I J \ 52 THE BEWILDERED QUERISTS. I w 1^ i "But perhaps," continued the learned orator, " all this will never be remedied until school trustees and commissioners are obliged to qualify for their respon- sible offices by undertaking for one month the man- agement of a large school-room and class, simultane- ously, by the sole means of * moral suasion,' or an 'approved system of grading.' I shrewdly suspect that the humanitarians would learn from such a prac- tical ordeal that the most reliable method of ' awaken- ing a sense of honor in the young ' frequently is to appeal directly to the seat of that virtue." The President was opposed to this stern mode of administering correction ; and, like Tom Hood, he had often in his boyhood consigned a switching peda- gogue to the bottomless pit. " Or invoked upon him the curse of Cane ! " ejacu- lated the irrepressible Querist. " It was with admirable judgment," said the Pro- fessor, not noticing the interruption, "that the older Greek grammarians selected * to strike * as their first example of a verb. By the aid of a similar selection, with just a few practical illustrations of its active and passive voices, I have generally managed to convey a distinct idea of a transitive verb, and to lead my pupils speedily and successfully through a somewhat crucial stage in the study of language. Nor is it in THE r.EWILDKRKD QUERISTS. 53 grammar alone that the instrument of correction pos- sesses the faculty of quickenin^^ the intellectual )i)\vers. A cane bent into a hoop, two canes whose adjacent extremities are equidistant, and three canes enclosint^ a space, I have found to produce clear and lastmi^ conccptKMis ol the respective natures of a cir- cle, parallel lines and a triangle. And in the rare cases where these conceptions have become oblitera- ted, I have ascertained that mathematical figures de- scribed by a stick upon the back of the t\'ro will re- main indelibly graven on his memory. In short, whatever may be the subject that is being taught, an efficient application of the rod can never fail to pro- duce upon the stut dent a very mar ked impression. At the conclusion of the Professor's remarks ATiss Taack prevented all further debate by reminding the President that the switching hour of night was past. t: 54 THE ]'E\VILDERED QUERISTS. I In SESSION VII. The countenance of the Chairman, as he appeared upon the scene on this occasion, was unwontedly downcast and severe. He comphuned that the Society had disap[)ointed him. Instead of a gen- erous rivahy as to priority in presenting papers, there appeared to be a general desire to shirk the responsibihties of authorship and to pick holes in the contributions of the few productive Querists. One silent member, with whom he had remonstrated about his apathy, had expressed a readiness to take his turn upon the rostrum, and when the day of meeting came he 7l'(Is ready — with his " I'lxcuses," which his modesty forsooth forbade him to deliver in person. lie v^the chairman) was therefore to be victimized into reading this apology for a j)aper I EXCUSES. "The most effective excuses generally rest upon some illustrious precedent or authority ; and the THE BEWILDERED QUERISTS. 55 reference should be calculated either to convince the reason or to excite laughter. The Devil, who is as great an adept in excusing as in accusing — ' The Devil can ([uole Scripture for his purpose. An evil soul producing holy witness Is like a villain witli a smiling cheek, A goodly apple rotten at tlie core.' In spite of this strong language of the poet the example of His Satanic Majesfy seems to be very catching. ' Sir,' said somebody — possibly Dr. John- son — when his pastor remonstrated with him for ogling pretty girls in church, 'the text which forbids me to behold tlic mote that is in my brother's eye does not prohibit me from regarding the beam that is in a sister's eye. A certain, or rather a n un- certain, convict, sentenced to be flo[rcred for a breach t>t>" of jail discipline, was being divested of his prisoner's uniform prior to undergoing flagellation. He begged hard not to be stript, but was reftiscd on the ground that he was an old offender, and perfectly aware of more reason, the gravity of his offence. ' Tlu cried the sinner, ' that I should be allowed ni}' coat, for it is written, He that knoweth his master's \\\\\ and docth it not shall be beaten with uuxiiy As.' wit M : 11- : 1 1 ! ii ;i 1 1 i J 1 1 i t 1 i 1 >i I ! 'im I 56 TIIi: JJKWILDERED OUKRISTS. s/ri/)rs."' Hard bargainers have more than once sent their censors home smiling by adducing, with an unusual stress, the precept, ' Go thou and do hkewise.' A jolly Irish rector of the old school, who belong- ed to the diocese of Tuam, kept a pack of harriers.. This circumstance was long unknown to his diocesan, thanks to the general aversion of the Irish peas- antry to * peaching' — an aversion which is seldom overcome, except in political conspiracies. But a sudden visit of the prelate took the sporting parson by surprise, and he had only just time to remove the dogs to a distant outhouse. As luck would have it, the bishop expressed a desire to sec the grounds, and, as he neared the place of its confine- ment, the whole pack gave tongue. * My lord,' cried the rector, hoping that a ready compliment to his superior's own youthOd fame in the gentle art of venery might provoke that dignitary into smiling, 'it is clear that they have smelt an old sportsman.' A shadow of a smile crossed the episcopal features, and they relapsed into austerity. ' Don't you think, my lord,' asked the clergyman, pursuing his advan- tage, * that the New Testament sanctions this healthy recreation ? ' ' I should like to know where ! ' said the bishop. THE BEWILDKREl) ()UERISTS. 57 k ' " It is the hare ; come let us kill him," ' answered the unabashed parson. The Right Reverend gentleman remonstrated that a quotation should always be correct. ' 15ut surely,' rejoined the rector, ' you can't expect me to be particular to a Jiair ? ' - This unexpected atrocity completed the prelate's demoralization. lie smiled, and the daring incum- bent kept his living, at the expense, it is true, of the harriers." " Of course," said Miss Taack dubiously, " that may be one mode of interpreting the text." Mr. JMitggs. — " It is the oily interpretation of coursed The President. — " The Querist is too much given to running commentaries." JMr. Mui^gs. — " Our President is given to a baser vice — he seems inclined to 'ave a rise ! " (. i ery of Oh ! and with staring eyes and perpen- dieular neir, a sensitive jii ember sank to earth.) " 'Tis al\va)'s so," said the unfeeling Muggs, hounded on by the reproaches of the b}'standcrs, " the timid hair starts from the inanimate form when it hears the ' cry.' " Shade of Hahnemann! the last enormity neutral- ized the first, and the prostrate member rose. r ?« ( HB 58 THE HKWILDKRKD QUERISTS. I! i " A feint ! " observed the President, as he proceeded to resume his readinc^. " Useful and ingenious pleas in arrest of judgment may of course be devised without dragging in any quotation whatever. In the school where I learned that ignorance is not always bliss, all new rules and regulations were duly read out by a drill sergeant, whose duty was to execute the sentences of the mas- ters, and assume control of the boys during play- hours. On one occasion a fresh arrival, nicknamed l^'oxy, was detected in a lie, into which his penchant for excuses had betrayed him. Our head-master had invited him into his study and was commencing the dissertation upon the heinousncss of the offence, etc., whicli commonly preceded correction, when l'\)xy abruj)tly informed him that he was not aware of its bcincr against the rules to tell a lie. ' Didn't know it was against rule to tell a lie ? ' roared the astounded pedag(jguc. * No, sir,' explained the urchin ; ' for I never heard the sergeant giving out any rule against it.' Foxy used to tell us that once before, when he was eight years old, he evaded a whipping by tearfully confessing to his governess an offence (which he feared to be convicted of), and attributing it, in language prudently recollected from a previous lecture of hers, THE 1)i:\viij)i:ri:i) ()i'i;kisTS. 59 to a ' Satanic delusion.' In his * Ouatrc-vinfrt Trcizc,' Victor Hugo mentions that Pitou, a royahst ballad-writer, beini; arrested during the Reign of Terror for slapping his coat-tails at the word civism, only escaped the guillotine by aptly observing that ' it was the very opposite of his head which de- served punishment.' Under the regime of * moral influences ' there remain few sharp incentives to apologetic wit, and this pleasing accomplish- ment threatens to be numbered among the lost arts. In a story which somebody tells, a very ingenious pretext is credited to a Scotch parson under the stim- ulus of an irrepressible craving for a pinch of snuff. Unfortunately when the longing came upon him he was in the middle of an impressive sermon against tobacco. Happening, just as the desire was becom- ing irresistible, to notice his ancient clerk snuffmg away right under the pulpit, an inspiration seized him. He stretched his hand down, and commanded the delinquent to pass up that snuff-box. ' ]\Iy brethren,' he resumed, as he clutched the be , ' while I am slri\ing to aw'iken your minds to tlic c\ils of tobacco, here is my own clerk, Sand}' }JcSand\', de- stroying the effect of my words. He goes on this way dipping in hrst one hand and then the other and lift- m tiv; f P^ *! f n 11 Co TIIK 1!I;\VII.1)1:KKI) qukkists. iiifj thctii to Ill's nose (/ii^rc Jiis reverence suited tJie action to t/ie zvord), and snuffing up the abomi- nation ! You know you did, Sandy ! * added he, as if that discomfited sinner were about to deny the imputation. Wlien it is necessary to excuse ourselves by proxy, we should be very careful in choosing our spokesmen. Servants, especially Irish ones, are seldom to be trusted. An acquaintance of mine once directed her footman to inform visitors that she was not at home. One incredulous caller asked him if he was s?trc his mistress was out. ' Yes, ma'am,' said he, * for she tould mc so this minnit.' " At the conclusion of the reading, Miss Taack remarked that she could not answer for flunkies, as she never kept one ; but she agreed with ]\Ir. O'Callahan that servant girls ' were imminent- ly unsuited to be spokesmen.' She had known their statements to be so mixed up that it was quite impossible to execrate them from their con- fusion. ]\Iuggs thought that in one respect they were n7/able mouthpieces — they didn't object to repeat- ing a lie a dozen times in an afternoon. Talking of servants reminded him of a conundrum printed W' THE ]JI<:\VlLDEki:D QUERISTS. 6i 1' by a certain Querist, whom modesty forbade his iianiinLT : "Why is the German ICmperor's coachman Hkc his master ? A;/s. Because he carries out his sovereign, Will ! " 7otii^ and disordered rout of jncmbcrs. i M- ■ If] % ii. 62 'iiii; i;i;\\ ii,I)i;ki:i) oukrists. SF.SSION VIII. WllKN it appeared that a quorum had taken tlieir seats, the President rose to say that his remonstrances about their indolence seemed to have been wasted on tile desert air. Perliaps, this being their hist meet- in;j^ for the present season, Querists had antedated or anticipated their vacation : at all events no one had as yet come forward with a contribution. Any literary remarks would therefore be in order. A mercenary member explained that his leisure time hatl been wholly occupied in elaborating^ the scheme of a great newspaper, " The Winding Sheet," to be devoted to the interests of cremation, inhu- mation and suspension. It was expected to triple the circulation of the Daily Noose, which owed its poi)ularity to the unaided charms of the last topic, and an appropriate mispronunciation. To secure a perennial supply of casualties, the " Sheet " would denounce, as despotic and inimical to enterprise, the testing or condemnation of boilers, the liability of railway companies for the lives of their passengers, the interference with the right of carrying concealed Tin: iii:\vii.i)i;Ri:i) (jlkrists. r^3 id th weapons, and the conipulsdry examination ot dispcns- inir chemists. With tlie same view it won Id ad vocate the free sale of poisons, tiie license to adulterate food and drink, the nobility of revenge, the duty of acquit- ting the fair chastisers of masculine turpitude, the spread of fire Insurance, the fiery celebration of [national anniversaries, the petting of inebriates, the exclusively medical treatment of kleptomaniacs and emotioned criminals, and the manumission of convert- ed felons. lie respectfully solicited the co-opera- tion of the society. O'Callahan hoped he would shortly be able to offer the gentleman the MS. of a serial eminently suited to tl le proposed jourm It was entitled "The IVIartyrs at the Steak," or " Mrs. Boggs's hoarders," and contained some startling revelations. Muggs said that the enterprising publisher had omitted one grand incentive to homicidt II e should establish a column of 'fashionable intelli- ^^ nee,' interview milliners and footmen for it ems, and in playful and familiar phrases parade the names of modest and unblemished ladies side by side with the females who pay for notoriety. At first sight the proprietor might apprehend unpleasant coiiseciucn- ces for number one, if he should add this to the other attractions of his journal ; but with a little judicious Pi ill 64 TIIK HEWILDKRF.I) ( )U1:KIS IS. f ; ) manajiijcincnt the mortality nii^ht be confiiicd to re- porters and matia^in,L( editors. And it ou^ht to be considered that nothin<^ increases the circulation of a paper like thrillin^^ accidents or scandals anioni,^ its staff, for the public easterly buy the sheet which is sure to contain the freshest and fullest particulars. lie would further suL;i;est that tlic paper should be printed in crimson, which, besides beini; typical of the contents, would insure its being always red from bey,inning' to end. The mercenary member flattered himself it would be read with an a. "There certainly is a difference between tlic words," Mr. Mugi^s admitted. A modest member trusted that the " Sheet" would not seek its sensations in personals and personalities, or delude the simple by puffing patent panaceas. "Malicious libels," said Miss Taack, "will never cease until writers arc compelled to sign their contri- butions and become directly responsible therefor. Under the present system the purest characters arc not secure from synonymous insinuations. With the several improvements indicated, I daresay the con- templative daily will be a commercial success, for it is painful to see the avidity with which people devour the details of hairbreath scrapes and melancholic ac- !i! '^1 riiK iu;\vii,i)i:ki:i) (U'kkis'I's. OS cidcnts. The editor of the ' Sheet,' however, should avoid the nianv conventual absunlities which are now current in newspaper market reports. How •hops' cu\ be 'steady,' how there can exist 'a lirni feelini; in coffee,' or how opium can be ' no Ioniser a druL; on the market,' is more than I can comprehend. It may be news to so/zir people to be told by a repor- ter that at an AL^ricultural Fair ' cattle are L^oiuf; at fair prices,' while 'swine are dull,' or that in a com- mercial mart * offcriiij^s arc limited ' in leather ! I once saw in a Southern paper that ' l^arbadoes 'lasses were selling at 45 c. per gal!' but I suppose this must have been before the abolition of slavery. It is strange but true that all these ridiculous market * quotations ' are published by their illiterate writers without a single pair of converted commas ! Now, as hints which our enterprising fellow-Querist is welcome to adopt, I shall just give a few specimens (chiefly from the poets) of what /call genuine ' '1 I % ■■■! ] i TRADE OUOTATIONS. Patronize a good tailor and butcher : * for it is fit and meat so to do.' Motto for a baker : * Tell me where is fancy bread ? ' (Inquire within.) r HI 66 TIIK ];i:\VII,DERED QUERISTS. i Maxim for a confidini^ florist : ' Charge for the n;ol(lcn lilies now.' Mode of addressinir a musician of the name of James : * Bright Jem instinct with music, vocal spark ! ' Song for would-be borrower, when money is re- ported ' close : ' ' Thou art so near and yet so far.' " The mercenary member passed a flattering eulo- gium upon the lady's originality and discernment. With a little practice on the press, she would doubt- less become a literary star. Me would be happy to afford her ample opportunity to cultivate her powers of composition, and was willing to engage her for a year to furnish a daily column of similar citations — two copies of the paper to be taken in payment, with an extra one if she should organize a club of ten. At the close of their contract, if she had grown famous, he woul'd make a handsome proportional in- crease to her stipend, or even — if she should ungrate- fully desire to forsake him — he would waive his equitable claims to her services. O'Callahan protested that the rendezvous of the Querists was not quite the place for getting up bar- gains or sells — of this descri])ti()n. It was foreign to his conception of a polite society that members should derive profit from their membership. He did THE BEWILDERED QUERISTS. ^7 not, however, want to influence the lady adversely to the gentleman's proposition ; but he strongly advised her to ask for an indefinite time to decide, and at its expiration to request an extension. At this point the mercenary member angrily started to his feet, and the harmonious decorum of the Met- ropolitan Society might have been rudely interrupted for the first time, had not ]\Iuggs created an oppor- tune diversion by abruptly proposing what he fanci- fully styled a conundrum : " Why is a Bewildered Querist like the yolk of an ^St? ? " Anszucr. — "Because he is an egg-centric fellow ! " Completely riddled by this unexpected discharge, the irate Querists promptly shared in the general col- lapse. On returning to his senses, the Professor gasped that such an atrocity was unworthy of one who professed to be a '* scientific gent." "The learned Querist," cried Muggs, with more than usual emphasis, " is utterly mistaken : I neither claim nor desire to be a ' gent.' The Querists' Web- ster, if I live to introduce that vali!able compilation to the public, will contain the following definition : ' (iKNT.— A vulgar fraction of a gentleman.' " The Professor hastened to explain that he sympa- thized with Mr. Muggs' aversion to the abbreviation, 'f I; I 68 THE liEWILDERED QUERISTS. which he had used only as part of a quotation. In his own opinion this contraction conveyed a very con- tracted idea of a <^entleman. Symptoms of thirst and restlessness having now displayed themselves, the President said : ** Ladies and Gentlemen : I have now to announce the termination of the first season of the Metropolitan Society of Bewildered Querists. Not beincf a tailor, I have no wish to cut up members about the close, and then to draw tears, by a touching valedictory. I therefore, without fur- ther adieu, dismiss you with my benediction, con- gratulating you upon the curious results already attained by the Society, and trusting that during your recess you will strenuously continue the pursuit of heterogeneous know' -dge under difficulties." i i ii: \\ n WOMAN S WORTH. n WOMAN'S WORTH.* On the 315-/ of September, 1872, iJic foUoiving cJiar- act eristic address ivas delivered before the Auti-Man Assoeiation of the United States, assembled in secret session, by Mrs. , a tall and spiritualistic aspi- rant for the Presidential chair : MY FELLOW-COUNTRYWOMEN : Even within the restricted sphere in which she has been forced to move, the achievements of woman have been wondrous. Indeed, it has been sensibly remarked that all eminent personages of ancient and modern times have been either women or Irishmen, and that the exceptions would have been women, but for circumstances over which we have no control. In demonstrating the truth of this statement, we must not always accept current reports. History was writ- ten by man, and Jiis story naturally exaggerates the I * Rcpuljlislicd, \\\i\\ l.nrgc addilions ainl cIiiiu^l's, from the Xlu N'oik " World." In tliis s|k'ccIi a few IioriDwcd jokci appear, in eoiUKetioii ; vvliicli it is hoped may excuse their re>iirrectioi\, -s 1 1| ' ■ HI . 1 M 72 WOMAN S WOkTFI. exploits of liis own sex. Comparative philology and the inspired writers are more trustworthy guides. Thus there are good grounds for supposing that ships were invented by a female. The word for a vessel is feminine in English and most other languages, and a ship, as you are all aware, has many other points of resemblance to a woman. Sometimes she is attached to a buoy, sometimes she is tender to a man-of-war, or hankers after a swell. On other oc- casions she goes into stays, or makes up to an old pier. It has even been suggested by some commen- tators that the first vessel was named after a female, probably its inventor. Ar^, they say, is a well- known woman's name, as in J^oau of Arc ; and as it has been recorded of Joan of Arc that she was Maid of Orleans, so it has been written of Noah's Ark that she was jiiadc of gopher wood. St. Paul himself, apparently, recognizes the striking analogy between gals and galleys when he speaks of woman as " the weaker vessel." lUit beyond this there is reason to suppose that Eve herself was a ivJialcr, for we read in the fourth chapter of Genesis, " Adam, Seth, * live, Cain, Abel.' " Many modern women succeed capitally in the same line of business. Mow well I remember, when my mother took me on her knee, what a lot of blubber she would tret after a little I tV. WOMAN S WORTH. n zvhaling ! Indeed, I was once so much struck by her performance, that I took to wailinLj nn-self. Women are no less adroit as fishers for phiice and other flat fish, while in fishing for compliments they are most acute anglers. They have always shown a marked par- tiality for water, insomuch so that they have c^ften been appropriately called ducks. Our depreciators may say that we cannot man the navy ; but it is from us that all sensible men select their mates, and no man can deny that from our very girlhood we make the best of skippers ! In chemistry the services of woman have been con- siderable. Besides givinq; their names to such useful therapeutic agents as vSW-volatilc, />'r/^?-donna and J/cj'^-nesia, she was the first to employ a very valu- able preparation of potash. " lo died of love for Jupiter," the fable tells us; but we know better — Iodide of potassium, a martyr to the noble cause of science. Ladies' qualifications as logicians are of the high- est order. For the ari^uutentum ad Jiomiiiem, for begging the question, for eluding the point, and for never giving in, give me a woman. In art^uiiiL;, too, jill men must own lier skill, l'\ir c'cii tliouyli vanquished, slic can argue ^till. \ % i 8 :j ■' ^MW 74 WOMAN S WORTH. And combined Avitli these ai)pLirently contradictory gifts is tliat calm and unbiased judt^ment, that habit of impartial decision, which has \vr'.in f3 76 k'V- WOMAN S WORTH. i|: the present generation (and what girl who can afford the material is uot well-trained ?) can cut a body in the most approved style, and alter or take in a bean ; and our own husbands and fathers are ready to avouch that we ci\n go for a new dress, whenever we see the ghost of a chance ! The proficiency of woman in painting has not been particularly remarkable. It is nevertheless true, that with characteristic boldness she has usually selected the highest and most delicate of subjects, and is most devoted to painting herself, and that, in another field, master pieces of design have been executed by various designing females. Ikit our triumphs in the symphonious art, from the days " when Music, heavenly maid, was young," more than atone for our comparative remissness with the brush. Fluting is supposed to have been in- vented by the same talented lady who introduced crinolines, and who composed, in commemoration of the latter invention, that celebrated opera, " The Rows of Cast-Steel.'' Even Handel cannot hold a candle to the famous ^//-dante, whose name ap- pears on so many lovely compositions. Yet I do not grudge to man his proper meed of praise : he may claim his Mozarts, his Verdis, and his Offen- bachs ; he can blow his own trumpet, and count If WOMAN S WOKI'II. 77 by millions his fiddlcrSy and pcM'formcrs on the pipe. I will even tulniit that the goddess of harmony ;iy have had a male associate, in accordance with m th le views of the poet, who o bserves that " ]\Iiisic itl irose witn iier vo hipt nous swl 11. 'l'houL;h the pulpit has been closed to women before the era of the Rev. Olympia ]^rown, )'ct even under this disability they have won many theolos^ical distinctions, and from the earliest aj^es the belles have called sinners to church. If most of the pro- phets have been men, the Mdrtas were without ex- ception females. If wc have had one yohii the J^ap- tist, we ha\'e had many y/////^/-I)aptists. Indeed women ha\e always been addicted to schisms — especially \\ittir/.sv//i'. Clergymen themselves ha\'e selected the ^i^V7i>/i as the proper garment for their sacerdotal office, and after taking our dress they leave us in the cold ! And yet it is peculiarly un- fair to debar us from the ministerial profession. We have always been favored mediums of communica- tion between mankind and the spirit-workl. We were chosen to tend the nu'stcrious Vestal flame, and were the mouth-pieces for the utterances of the Delphic oracles. Two sisters invented the Rochester knockinijs, — as Colli t->- ' ins says, " rap/, i n- spir -and it remained for another woman to 'I i Ml ir l V 78 Woman's worth, span a cliasni of l\\cnt)--t\vo centuries and com- niiine, in the best of (jieek, with the manes of Deniostlienes ! I take this opportunit)' to remove a shir cast upon mociern spiritualism. Performances <;iven in the dark, it is said, cannot bear the li^dit. Now, just consider tlie facts. It is well known that flames have a tendency to burn blue in the presence of a genuine apparition, and a £;limpse of one puts all natural hair into a perpendicular attitude. Could a ghost with the slightest pretensions to politeness, such a ghost in fact as would accept a civil invitation, be so ill-natured to the wearers of artificial rincrlets as to make his appearance in the light. besides, the duty on imported spirits is very high, and the dark- ness aids them in eluding the guardians of the law. It is, further, to be considered that at midnight, when spirits usually take their recess, the excise law goes into operation. And if the gas was //o/ turned off, ilu'ir revilers would talk o{ i^hasfly apparitions, or of mediums ^i,'v?.s\s7'//^^'" the audience ! Would any spectre, I ask, with the smallest vestige of benevolence, ex- pose its patrons or itself to such atrocities ? Our sex, which many of its detractors own to be cucJiantiiif^, c1iaruii)ig\ and hci^'itcJi'utg, constitutes the greater part of the most interesting supernatural II ii WOMAN S WORTH. 79 bciiiLjs. The N\'niplis, Sirens ami Mermaids, the IMuses and Graces, were all female. So were the ()riental Peris, and, with few exceptions, our own I'airies, while even men allow us a majority amoni; the ani;els. Our fitness for the healing art has been freely ad- mitted by the rouL^her sex : '' O woniaii, ill wur Imur- of ca>c I'lHC'iUiiii, ens, ami lianl to please, Anil variahic a-, llic >-!iailc liy tliu Hl^Iu, iiuivi'riiiL; a>iu'n mailc, Wlicii paia ami anL;ui->li wiIhl; the brow, A ininislcring ant;L'l lliou ! " A handsome houKeopathic doctrcss miL;ht be ex- pected to Ileal numerous cases of bliL;hted [iffection, on the principle that " like cures like.'" Her charms, reawakeniuL]; the susceptibilities of love-sick swains, would often ]:)rove an effectual anti-c/tV^'. Tlumsands of men of all classes, but especially clerks and stu- dents, are pining to experience woman's gentle treat- ment. Indeed the profession should be exclusively her own ; for, as Dr. ]\Iar\- \V. . . r has forcibly re- marked, with indignation stamped upon her manly brow, e\ery male doctor who pockets his professional fee unsexes himself and becomes a/cr-malc. t! S a t ' .1 fi 80 WOMAN S WORTH. ]»ut it is not in this direction [ilonc th:it man has usurped our fcMiiininc vocations. Ih-cwin;^, baking, wcavinL,^ etc., were once conducted entirely by wo- men, a.; any one acquainted with etymoloij^y might infer from such once common names as ' brcwstcr,' ' malster,' * bagstcr,' and * spinster.' Of these trades they liavc only left us the last— a business which is unfortui.atoly rather overcrowded just now. In all past ages the art of 7/iatc/i-m'dk\ng was confined to us ; but lately even this, our ancient monopoly, has been encroached upon by the matrimonial columns of certain journals. And, as if it was not enough to invade our various spheres of usefulness insidiously and by degrees, we have often been legislated en masse out of our legitimate callings. Statutes throw- ing thousands of women out of employment were enacted against the luxurious habits of the Roman matrons. And yet those paragons of Arcadian sim- plicity, their lords and masters, by the aid of drastic prescriptions used to manage three dinners or so a daA', and probably wanted to secure the price of a fourth b)' reducing their wi\'es' expenditures. lUit the most atrocious persecution of this natvire was the notorious Salic Law, a measure disqualifying women from holding public offices, but originally aimed — according to certain unknown and talented historians m WOMAN'S WORTH, 8t who have conducted their researches on the princi- ples of Nicbuhr — at a popuhir Oucen Sally. The misguided enemies of this princess may have thought It a capital joke to make an idle sally ! Our dcpreciators will have it that we are incapa- ble of performing military service, and therefore un- )f cscrvinci ot a voice ni th e frovernmen t of our coun- try. Now, in spite of all the disadvantages imposed upon her, and notwithstanding her want of training, woman has fought, and fought heroically, on many memorable occasions. Need I allude to the Cartha- ginian ladies who tore their han* out to make bow- strings, and threw themselves into the flames of their ■i-,'1 n •itive city ? Need I mention Scmiramis or Zenobia, the warlike Clorinda, immortalized bv Tasso, or the chivalrous Britomart, celebrated in Spenser's " Faery Oucene " ? And the fire that warmed our grand- m others and aunts' sisters burns as briMitlv i ^>' n our bosoms to-day. Each modern war has produced its heroines— the Commune its Petroleuses, the Italian strufTLfle its Delia Torres, the Southern Rebellion its Jjclle Iv""'ds, and other fair creatures " who cher- islied noble lon^ know scores of maidens who would not shrink from ■• u m i II: M > i 82 WOMAN S WORTH. \ ii- r//i,77^^'", ///C uitli anv cliu'iblc male even if he were twice tlieir si/e, and wiio need but a slight hint to rush to arms. W Judith is lauded in the sacred nar- rative for having fearlessly tv// ^^ a tyrant's head, more memorable exploits occasionally pass unrecord- ed before our eyes. The other day, in one of our most crowded streets, a brawny colored girl seized a youth who had offered an insignificant price for her luxuriant waterfall, and, grasping him by the hair, 1 )roceeded to )ut a head o/i him. II IS IfT brother shared his fate, being speedily knocked out of time b)' the l^thiopian pet, who, at the b(;ginning of each round, came promptly and spitefully to the scraU/i. If Jael, the wife of Ileber the Kenite, snK^te an iron nail into the temple of the sleeping Sisera, did not Molly O'Dowd, the Billingsgate fish- ith th( woman, whi[) live policemen m five minutes wi natural nails of her hands? Who has not heard of the gigantic yV//;'-phemus, or of the gallant Lou-El- len, the Welsh princess who checked the victorious army of King lulward ? Who has not read how the stout German matrons, of the Two-ton race, fired with the true spirit of Mars — and grandmars, fought lie by sidi th th iliant Bef( sicie Dv sKie witu tneir \'aiiant sons .■' lieiore tne in- vention of gunpowder, women loved to r//v?Ti' the long bozu ; and when contrasted with the most re- WOMAN S WORTH. 83 doubted male archers, our archer graces were invari- ably conspicuous. Almost c\'cry girl had her bow- some, it is said, a dozen beaux at the same time, each of course " upon a string." We have exhibited to the world a number of brilliant and successful S(7///i's ; we march with the infantry in arms, and skilfully /'^/'(^/r///t? brcccJics. We are never wholly shiftless, and when most tightly pressed on both flanks by hostile bands, we extricate ourselves by timely faints. We smile as we scent tJic powder ; the sound of tlie luill is music to our cars, and even in the ;■('/// we remain irresistible ! l^ven the gentlest and most sensitive of our sex may be roused into combatixeness by great and sud- den provocation. vSome time ago I myself was strol- ling quietly along, musing upon the chances of the Presidential election — as Shakspcare beautifully ex- presses it, "in maiden meditation, fancy free" — when an impudent scamp fixed his eyes upon my bon- net, and asked if it was cold \.\\) tJicrc ! Thinking this a rather cool question, I was r.'ioving on, when the scoundrel called me his Lilliputian. Now this a^ a little too much. •' Lilly who, sir ? " said I : w n I'll have you to know that Lm neither Li!l_\' this or Lill)' that, but a respectable married lady." With that, I lifted him up gently by the two ears, and made him reoard the situation from a somewhat I iw 1 m 84 \Vf)MA\ S WORTH. I different point of view. As his education had evi- dently been sadly nei;iectcd, I devoted a minute to polishinc; him off. He tried to whistle it off" as he retreated, but I noticed that the tunc was, ** Put me in my little bed." After this knock doivn argument, why should I seek further for examples of woman's fighting quali- ties. That she would make a "-reat hit in the glad- iatorial arena, has been proved beyond a doubt by the striking illustrations I have given. My fellow-countrywomen, in the hope that I may more signally display our executive ability and aid in transplanting our undeveloped energies to other and wider fields of usefulness, I have consented to make myself a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. For the salvation of our sex, I have master- ed my natural diffidence ; I have defied the voice of calumny, and borne the reproach of almost every uf- d isrepu tabl e ' ism. You see befo re you a loiig^ su_ fcring creature ! They say that 1 advocate poly- gamy, though my bosom friends can bear me witness that I despise a woman who would undertake the du- ties and responsibilities of married life with more than three husbands at the same period of her existence, lliey insinuate that in the approaching era I would confine man to the care of the household and the ; f : WOMAN S WORTH. 8=; nurture of children. Ladies, I have no such desire. I hold that (in families too poor to keep a nursery boy) no true wife should object to takinn; charge of the baby once in a while, especially on emergencies which may require tact and dissimulation. They even accuse me of favoring free love ! They might as well say that I wanted to populate the Great American Desert by means of the multiplication table. Free love, indeed ! Why, if there's one thinir I scorn, it's a man \\ ho wants to have his courtship free of expense — to make love on the cheap ! I consider it an inalienable right and privi- lege of the males to invite us to theatres, balls, drives and champagne suppers —not that / ever imbibe — and to present us with l^rench candies, bouquets, diamonds, necklaces and chai ns. If they want woman to ling her chain, that's the way to do it. And yet they say that I wish to deprive men of all their privileges ! I\Iy enemies have even directed the most odious id absurd buff id th( .bl( ana aosura ouiiooncries against me ana tne n(jtJle ladies who labor with me. One jester forgets that I am not a spinster, and apprehends that my Presiden- tial term will be an era of mis-vnXc, and mv electors ////.s--c'/!/V/-makers ! Another says I remind him of a Crusader, because I am champion of the cross ! The 1 % PS, ■11 m •ii 86 WOMAN S WOKTII. i 't SaL^c (^f Clinppaqua — wlio, I am sorry to say, Is more <4i\'cii to saus than wise sayings — suggests tliat I should gi\'e up silks and satins, because I want Diuslni during the dog-days ! Some learned philol- ogist observes that we are on the f.iir road to prove that woman is derived from Ik.wc and man, and virgin from vir (a man) and gin (a snare). This vile lam- poon up(Mi the worthy Dr. Mary \V r has appear- ed in a public journal : "The personal appearance of Dr. W r is not attractive. lie is not particularly neat in her cloth- ing, and his hair is not nicely put up in a way to let you know if he is a woman or she is a man. He wears a sort of a cross between a frock coat antl a })etlicoat, which comes down to her knees, beneath which are conspicuous his pantaloons and boots. Wd thought he was somewhat rutle when she step- ped off the platform, as he did not olTer us her hand to aid us in alighting. lie asked us to attend her lecture, but she did not offer us any of his tickets." And just because this lady, smarting under a sense of her sex's wrongs, has adopted a practical mode of rc-dicss, another scribbler must needs stigmatize her ■^i^ i\ pautalooiialii ! I sui)pose it is masculine l(\gic to condemn the breeches which etiquette prescribes for males a'- breaches of etiquette in a female ! woman's WokTU, S7 But I pursue my course uiulismaycd by these shafts of sarcasm and detraction. I feel that the crisis has come when tiic political trickery of man mu st )'ield to the winnini,^ ways of woman. T lere are three factions in the field, exclusive of George Francis Train ; autl each of them is weakened by in- ternal dissensions, except that of George Francis — whose party consists of himself ! Now is the time to strike. Let us combine for a few weeks, and the male creation will be at our feet. Where is th c o vaunted politeness of our opi)ressors, if a lady is t stand for office, and a man to occuiiv the Presidential ch air They may boast that Grant is a man vt{ fuic presents, or speak of him as a \\vj\\\y gifted personai^e. They may talk of his having been a tanner, or of Wilson's having been a cobbler, hoping to make their support- ers true to the last. As if it were a credit to public men that they had sold their own soles for gain ! But these official freebooters will soon have to abandon their booty for the thread of their political existence is zva.ving' to an end f One moon-light night, not long ago, I stood beneath the sky awaiting the approach of my spiritual aniiiily, through whose assistance T sought to read the secrets of the stars. The rapturous and sublime emotions of §1 I; |.i I 88 WOMAN S WORIH. the liour were presently interrupted by an inaudible voice. " J)cnio.sthenes ! " I murnuired, as our spirits iuL^led, "say, what is the mystic sentence of the I4ht? " " l\>ndapanieibomenos, thui; domh po^j^ue, ni ^nia colleen og'," replied the orator with true oracular ambiguity — which means, wlicn translated from the orii'-inai Greek, " To the tanner tannincr, and leather- ing to the leatherer." "And what of Greeley?" I inquired breathlessly. '* Will Horace cope success- fully with the great star-comljination ? " "His horos- cope says, no," was the reassuring answer. It is theref(M'e with much assurance my country- W(jmen, of assurance derived from spirits and from the bier, that I enter the political arena as your can- didate, the exponent of your aspirations, and reformer of )'our grievances. In your behalf I advocate the recfMistruction of our postal system -a thorough re- gulation of the mails. I favor the one term prin- ciple, which suits my own retiring" disposition. I maintain the importance of reducing taxation and cutting down the public expenditure. And who is so fit as woman to bear the standard of economical reform ? 1 [as she not al\va}'s protested against the ' extravagance of man, and often raised an immense bustle abt)ut a little ivaist / I insist on the abolition of the oppressive duties upon silks, satins, laces and WOMAN S WOKTII. So gloves — dyes, pcM-fumcs and cosmetics — and otlicr necessaries of life ; and, as it is an axiom in political economy that the public burdens sIkjuKI rest most heavily upon articles of luxury, I propose to increase the imposts upon tobacco and liquors, firearms and fishinL;-rods, base-balls, and billiard tables, and all such incentives to idleness and dissipation. You have lone;" sought, as your candidate for the White House, a representative of /i/'o-/i sfaiidiui^ — a person of some z^'cio-/it in the coramunity — a woman capable c>{ fiilii/o- the Presidential chair, or any other chair in the United States. Now that you have found a fU and .s7///able executive — as they said of Andy Johnson, because he was a tailor — stick to )'Our colors. Practice )-our favorite motto, and " let your light shine before inoiy If you meet with some discomforts, or lose a few silly admirers more or less, recollect that we must sometimes " stoop to conquer," — as I once re- marked when I gave a small boy a box on the ear. Go boldly to the polls : take with you your credulous husbands, beaux and brothers. Let us occu])y the place intended for the last and best of created beings : " l'\)r XatuiL' swears ns lovely dears Her ni)l)Iesl work slio elasses, () ; Her 'prentice hau' she trieil on man, Aihl tlien the nuuie llie Ia>ses, ()." Ill Ill \ 90 CU'IS AM) (..LAUDS. I CUTS AND GUARDS.* Tx a dislurbcd stale of society, and at an epoch whicli we fnul it unnecessary anil indeed impossible to particularize, a rather truculent and hairy custom- er, richly garnished with bowie knives and pistols, recjuesled the ser\'ices of a barber, offering the liberal fee of a sovereign for a clean shave in five minutes, but threatening in a decidedl}' business-like way in- stant death as the penalty for a single abrasion of the skin, ilis conditions being cheerfully acquiesced in, at the successful close of the operation the eccentric customer expressed his surprise at the other's tem- erity, adding that he was quite in earnest himself. " i^ut," explained the tonsorial artist, calmly and suggestiveh\ " 1 should ha\e seen the blood first ! " lie had probabh' heard the prox'erb about a stitch in time, and believed a seasonable cut quite as efficacious on occasions. The history of gladiators and pugilists strikingly illustrates the same principle ; but the merits of the cut preventive are just as clearly e.\- * From "The Round Tabic." (TTS AND Cl'AKDS. 91 hihitcd ill the social arena, and our i)rcscnt l)usincss is with the tactics of those more pohshed combatants A\ ho aim to pierce the feeHiiLrs. not the liid e s . o f their antaj^onists. Have }'ou wounded a confidini;' friend in any tender point? Ilax'e \'ou sneered at his morals before divines, at h.is tailor before the fair sex. at 1 1 lis person before an\ ■l)od' ant 1 d o \-ou mia- gme Jimi aw are of the fact ? I'.iss him ( )n tl ic earliest opportunit}' with an abstracted mien, and a countenance more in sorrow than in anirer. Startled at being anticipated, he perhaps fancies that he has himself been misrepresented to you, and, with a new insiLiht into the malice of human nature, he believes }' on anotlier o th )f it: victims. Perl ia[)s, anL;-r\' at the hicl 1, pr indignity, he seeks an explanation, in w pared and cool, }'ou lia\'e a double ad\'aiitage. }^ven should pride or a ccrtaintx' of wrongs recei\'ed pre- vent his taking any action, you lia\e still gained by a ddiii! insult to injury You have disturbed his equilibrium, while you have maintained )'our own gentlemanlike repose ; you have snubbed, and not been snubbed. And if the motive of a meditated slight be interest or caprice instead of righteous in- dignation, the antidote or solace is the s;i me. h or example, when a long -descended simpleton or a noui'caii richc desires to drop an obscure or a po(jr ui m 11 v i' it n IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) ^./ %. WJ>. jy .% (/a f/x 1.0 l.i • iU 1112.2 SIS 1.25 1.4 I— 1.6 V] <^ /a /, o: e. e/A : . '% y >^ Photographic Sciences Corporation J ,v ^l»M!e gayety, a shadow of regret — will usually ^L'tray the absence of the " nil admirari." Where, ..:c!ccd, the pcsou we ignore has become an object of our posi:ive aversion, a voluntary infusion of superciliousness, if it does not enhance the venom of the cut, may at least spare us the recurrence of an unwelcome pres- ence ; and candor is surely allowable when it can be utilized. On a tioscitur a sociis principle the cut prononce is equally effective when an acquaintance labors under an unpopularity deserved or undeserved, or when he has become so hopelessly seedy as to detract from our status, social or professional. It is gossiped, indeed, that some of our modern million- aries owe much of their success to such prompt vindica- tions of their sensitive respectability. In a majority CUTS AND CIUAKDS. 95 of instances, however, all signs of feeling and marJ.- festations of intention are involuntary shortcomings from the self-created ideal or the finished exemplar. Yet we are cognizant of a few cases where such weaknesses of the flesh have worked out satisfactory consummations, A glance of ingenuous indignation from a wrongly aspersed friend may lead one to in- vestigation and amends; a quiver of the lip, a soften- ing of the eye, a flush of the cheek, while it betrays an assumed indifieronce, may bring back a truant lover in sackcloth and ashes to his discarded flame. If the excellence of a cut varies according to the training and self-posscsri. n nf thv? a:; m'. the mode of procedure is generally regulated by the motive. In this country of ups and downs men of the world have found it injudicious to adopt the direct with an em- barrassed acquaintance who may be blessed with either character or friends. A quiet avoidance an- swers their immediate purpose quite as well, while it exempts them from indignant remarks about their insincerity or selfishness, and reserves to them the privilege of welcoming or possibly sharing in tlie contingent prosperity o( ihc'iv fric/u/. In the execu- tion of this judicious plan shops and offices become sudden havens of refuge from inopportune col- lisions ; and the self-possessed may utilize even pri- 9^ CUTS AND r.UARDS. vatc houses by vague yet affectionate inquiries for an ideal Smith or Jones. A meetinj^ with a man " who has seen better thincjs," on a country road, if less hkely to compromise one, is much more perplexing to evade, though an inventive genius might impro- vise the chase of an imaginary rat. A gambler of versatility and assurance used to anticipate the tem- porarily embarrassed members of his fraternity by lamenting his own disasters and requesting a loan — throwing thereby the burden of evasion on another's shoulders. But this last ruse may have a disadvan- tage of its own. The poor are notoriously charita- ble — lion ii^nara Jiiali, miser is succnrrcre disco — and it is distressing to be offered half of a disappointed man's last dollar. The indirect cut is often suggest- ed by pure amiability. Arm-in-arm with Brown, a quiet Roman Catholic, you naturally shirk Cantwell, the nasal controversialist. Warned by an angry sire against the society of Gay, a ne'er-do-weel, young hopeful, side by side with that fascinating scamp, descries his parent in the distance, and filially re- solves to alter his course —to spare a father's feelings. And doubtless a somewhat similar delicacy leads married people, under somewhat similar circumstan- ces, to elude their better halves. Besides rustics, and those who glory in exhibit- mfman^w/jim^ CUTS AND GUARDS, 97 ing an expression of petty malice, and who, tr. , ^ to look contemptuous, become c<)ntcmptii)Io, some poo- pie labor under peculiar disadvantages, in L;i\ ini;- ;. .d receiving cuts. A snub-nose or natural contoj-i )i. of the mouth under such circumstances may scei?/ ; ;\ ill-bred exhibition of spite ; and short-sighted oco- ple who do not wear glasses must be slightly abrupt. On the contrary, the single eye-glass, adjunct o^ the scenic fop and object of the vulgar sneer, r- ikcs some amends to its ill-used wearer when h. nc pc- trates a premeditated cut. The inexpressivenes> < l the unassisted, the glassy stare of the assisted <^\ -. coupled with a steadying of the facial nerves and a general air of superciliousness, envenom the wou' .\ of tins vitreous weapon, and rendei it liie nicst effective, gorgon-like, icy, and apparently " tlv most unkindest cut of all." 1^: 1 98 THE LOGIC OF SLOTH. THE LOGIC OF SLOTH.* I i If our ideas originate in reflection as well as in sen- sation, our earliest morning thoughts are, Hke those of our childhood, generally drawn from the latter source. Unless lately the winners or recipients of rare good fortune, or suffering from the more poign- ant ills that flesh is heir to, our first waking impres- sion is one of soul-absorbing physical repose. Like lotos-eaters, we linger in the soft contentment of the present, till the evanescence of human enjoyment dawns ungratefully on our increasing consciousness, phantoms of troubles and obligations loom before the brain, and a struggle, from which the resolute only are exempt, ensues between interest and inclination. Perhaps the most common and efficjent argument of the bland usurper, sloth,, is what may be called the fallacy of accumulation — the same that regulates the expenditures of the spendthrift, and makes procras- tination such a very successful thief. We claim, gen- erally with apparent reason, that " another five min- * V From "The Round Table." THE LOCIC or ST/»TI[. 99 utcs is immaterial," and forget that after the easily conceded period the argument will probably be just as conclusive as before. Indeed, this fallacy is spe- cially dangerous between the sheets. Should there flash before the vacillating sluggard a vague and troublous conception of such a truism as that the ocean is composed of drops, or that " many a little makes a mickle," very possibly after the close of "just one moment more" he is as sweetly uncon- scious of the thrifty Scotch maxim in particular, as of all unpleasant facts in general. Such was his self-seductive sophistry who yearned for ''yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep." Morpheus is a logician as ready as ingenious. A collegian resolved to nerve himself against his be- setting sin by a recital of the spirit-stirring passage from the Psalm of Life : " Let us then he up and doing With a heart fornny ffitc ; ijtili achicvintj, still inusuintj, Learn to laljor anil to xihiit ; " and brooding more and more softly on the rnnrhidiui:^ beauties of the stanza, and waiting more ami more patiently, he subsided in the arms of the insidious god. I5y the same persuasive induencc, fixed rcso- 100 THE LOGIC OF SLOTH. \i lutions of early rising, even solemn assertions, are often nullified by the testy dignity of laziness, as superseding volition, and derogatory to the pride of intellectual, if sleepy, beings. The proverb that ** the early bird catches the worm " is easily disposed of by the melancholy fact that Mf car/}' ivonn is caugJit by the aforesaid bird. Opposed to the subtle disputant, most trains of thought lead to the same terminus, sleep ; most arguments involve the same " illicit process ; " and we reason in tt circle that has an end in obliviousness. It may be a paradox to assert, that matutinal sloth keeps up with the age, and is armed against every innovation that threatens to molest "its ancient solitary reign." But if of yore determined sluggards shut their ears to the cock's shrill clarion or the echoing horn, and other sounds of a less advnnr/^d civilization, so .he rush of the steam-engine, the shriek of the whistle, and the droning of barrel-organs are equally ineffectual to rouse them. Perhaps it is that such discords are not exclusively of the morning, but last all day if not all night ; perhaps it is that every unheeded warning weakens the voice ot conscience. It may seem hard that our hours of repose should be also dedicated to feline loves and wars ; it is hard, when nocturnal catcrwaulings are finally lulled, and THE LOCIC OF SI.OTII. lOI blood-tliirsty mosquitoes have ceased to trouble, that Ave cannot be at rest. But ue should bow to the imnnitable thou^^h stran^^e arrangement. The sta- tistics of loni^evity offer us a fair chance of a lonij and healthy life by so doing, and a well-known adage assures us of wealth and wisdom in addition. l?ut how are the irresolute to persevere in the arduous duty, and the lazy to conquer their besetting sin ? At a time when our higher impulses are commonly rather dull, the most generally effective logical weapon to oppose to laziness is the art^iinicntnui ad cnimcuani ; though idlers would save their clothes by staying in bed, and we have heard of a man selling his last suit and keei)ing to the blankets in secure defiance 104 AUTOniUTOCRVrilS. AUTOPIIOTOGRAPHS. Tin-: following leaves from imaginary " Mental riiotograph Albums," supposed to be the self-drawn characters of Fisk, Greeley, and Grant, appeared respectively in the New York " Tribune," " Com- mercial Atlvertiser," and " Frank Leslie's IHusl. ted Newspaper." Mr. l^^isk's caricature, it need hardly be remarked, was first published prior to his decease, and the last two durinLT the height of the Presidential campaign of 1872. The author neither vouches for nor believes many of the insinuations to be found in the subjoined squibs, of which the last two were only designed to travesty the unseemly and unscru- pulous st}'le of political warfare adopted by some jou rnals. ArTOPIIOT(K;R.\VII OF JAMKS FISK, JR. What is your favorite color ? /wv/i,v rt noir. What is your favorite flower ? Wild thyme. What is your favorite tree ? Rum shrub. AUTOnrOTOGRAniS. 105 What is your favorite object in nature? Bull rushes on the Bank. What is your favorite season of the year ? The month o{ March. Wliat is your favorite gem ? Jem Fisk. What is your favorite style of beauty? "The loveliness . vcr in motion that/^?r^." Who is your favorite architect ? Jn-I-go Jones. Who is your favorite painter ? Phiz. Who is your favorite musician ? IVIax Maretzek. What is your favorite piece of sculpture ? An " animated bust.'' Who is )-our favorite poet ? Dr. Watts. Who is )'our favorite prose author ? Old Burton. Who is your favorite character in romance ? " Black J'ritlay.'' What is your favorite b.n-k to take up for an hour ? " The Sad History of Greedy Jem." \Vhat book (not religious) would you part with last ? " Treasure-Trove." What epoch would you choose to have lived in ? The age of the Golden J'Veeee. . Where would you like to live ? In " the Gard <.f6'///." ens What is your favorite amusement ? Reflection (i tlie mirror). n : i 1 06 AUTOI'HOTOCRAPIIS. What is your favorite occupation ? Chiseling. If not yourself who would you choose to be ? Brijiham Younr Two Flaos." What book (not relij^ious) would you part with last? " Recollections of a Busybody." What is your favorite amusement? Fishing for plaiee. What trait of character do you nost admire in man ? Consistency. What trait of character do y u most admire in wo- man ? Free love. AUTOniOTUCiRAI'lIS. II I What trait of character do you most detest in both ? A tendency to cursory remarks. If not yourself, who would you rather be? Grant — " If I were not Diogenes, I would be Alexander ?" What is your idea of happiness ? A country where there is no ail or bier : a land of departed spirits. What is your idea of misery ? A fall between two stools. What is your dream ? ** I dreamed that I dwelt in marble lialls." What is your favorite game ? The Aiucrican public. What do you believe to be your distinguishing characteristic ? A love of plants — especially the beats of Cincinnati and the sage of Chappaqua. What is the sublimest passion of \\hich human na- ture is capable ? " Clasping hands across a bloody chasm." What are the sweetest words in "The Wt^ld ? " " Anything to beat Grant." What arc the saddest words in the world? " h^riend after friend departs." What is your aim in life? To raise the standard of Ditty (on imported products). What is your motto ? ** Put yourself in his place." 112 EMPHASIS AS A veiiicll: of malice. emphasis as a vehicle of malicp:.^ TiiK late Madame Alice Prepense, cruelly nick- named Malice Prepense, was one of the most inter- esting^ women I ever knew. Her outspoken and in^i^^enuous method of vindicatinij her absent friends from the slanders of their malijjners was a cause of wonder and admiration. And it was noticeable that there were few victims of scandal within her circle who were not her friends. In fact, no sooner did any one smart under the tooth of envy than she enlist- ed in his service and hastened to the rescue. Such was her zeal in championing injured innocents, that she was invariably "posted" upon the latest slander a few hours after its inception. Like the late Mr. (ireeley, she loved to " nail a lie : " and she has been known to contradict several before they were uttered. She evidently thought prevention better than cure. That her advocacy was always judicious /v '(•/>// /'//J //i(/, zoitlt one additional incident, fioni the N. Y. '' Lcd^ii-:' EMPHASIS AS A VKIIICM; OF MALICE. IIj has been questioned by some cynics, but no one could deny that it w as warm and spontaneous. About this time three years a^o, I entered her cosey h'ttle reception-room one afternoon, and found her ap])arently strug^yh'n^ with suppressed emotion. It was the day after the unpleasantness in the Church of the Chosen, when the Rev. Dr. Goodfellow was accused of triflini,^ with tlie affections of Miss Main- chance, daughter of the leading trustee. "Oh, Mr. ," exclaimed ni)' hostess, "can JO// believe those dre;i(lful things about poor Dr. (ioodfellow? I'm sure if he :. for affirming her belief that " he didn't mix pork fat with his butter Jiimself,'' got about equal satisfaction ; for she ma<'"nanimouslv oftered to admit, for the sake of peace, that he did perform the mixture in person. Poor Madame ! she was an infallible antidote to egotism— no one in her presence wanted to turn the conversation on himself. iuwmviiiiiiiiiij,m EUPHEMISMS. 119 EUPHEMISMS.* The employment of euphemisms among the an- cients was usually generated by a peculiar motive, now almost inoperative. The use of harsh or disa' grecablc ep-thets was considered inauspicious when applied to malignant supernatural agents or things connected therewith. Thus the Greeks sought to avoid the wrath of the Furies and the threatening presages oUcfthand phenomena by the most sooth- ing expressions. This classical notion still lingers in some rural districts of the Old World ; and we haxe heard an old Scotchwoman object to an innocent re- mark about the devil on the ground that it was " nae gude to speak of sic like." ICven in New York city certain people of "refinement" shudder at the mention of Ilell-gate, and always refer to that dangerous passage by the more " elegant " title of Jfnrl-gatc. More frequent traces of the tendency alluded to remained among the peasantry of the 120 ELTIIKMISMS. l\ Middle Ages. Ilcncc, prob^ibly, the appellations gooii-folk and fairies as applied to whimsical and often mischievous elves ; and it is just possible that the sobriquet of "The Old Gentleman" may have been designed as a sop for Cerberus. But with us moderns euphemisms more commonly serve to dress wolves in sheep's clothing, or silence the qualms of quaint,old-fashioned consciences. The argot , or cant of professional thieves, from which ex- amples of this figure are often quoted, was originated merely as a medium of secret communication, and not to act as a narcotic to a moral sense already dor- mant or defunct. This artificial dialect, so far as it is borrowed from our vernacular or from other intelligi- ble sources, seems to include as i-:any of those terms that enhance as of those that extenuate, to an unpro- fessional mind, the crimes or horrors they express — proving thereby to outsiders that, if there be honor among thieves, there is very little conscience. IMany even of their euphemistic phrases, such as the " ever- lasting staircase," otherwise " the ho])per," for the treadmill, and " a dance upon nothing" for an ex- ecution, are better adapted to remove fear than moral scruples. \\\\\. amateur transgressors, like Pis- tol, who called stealing "to convey," avail them- sehes of \\\\s fa^on dc parlcr more particularly as an EUPHEMISMS. 121 antidote against inconvenient conscientiousness. Thus the slang of many schoolboys betrays a very confused discrimination between the mciini and tnuui. With them to "prig," to " crib," to " bone " or to " bag " contains little or no unpleasant suggestion of injustice or dishonor. Drunkenness conceals its va- rious phases under a variety of figurative expressions, including " half-seas-over," " jolly screwed," and "tight" — an epithet most frequently applied to loose characters. The same tendency is further evi- denced in such seductive phrases as '' parfait amour y' "Cream of the Valley" gin, "taking a smile," Ilibernice " a drop of the crathur ; " though perhaps it cannot be strictly called a euphemism which does not veil something essentially wrong, coarse or disagreeable. Among the verbal courtesies prevalent in Western bar-rooms is one of a whc^Uy different and seemingly more deterrent character. Immediately before taking a drink, when the TLnglish bibber ceremoniously "looks toward you," and the New York tippler wishes you luck, we understand that the Western "drinkist" very usually remarks, " Here goes another nail in the coffui ! " The high- ly ' aphorical language in which the rejiorters of In'ir s Life in f.otufoii and the sporting pai)ers delight- ed to cloak the barbarities uf a " rattling mill," has 6 122 EUniKMISMS. contributed to prolong the existence of the " P.R." until it has become an anachronism. By the aid of this typical and entertaining slang the fistic art woukl probably have still possessed the popular sympathy and the patronage of a few well-meaning gentlemen, if the traditional pluck and straightforward dealing of pugilists had not wholly deserted our modern bruisers, whose ba .kers, umpires, patrons and hang- ers-on are, with hardly an exception, either gamblers or thieves. "To tap the claret," or "draw the ruby," "to send to grass " or "on a visit to his mother," "to let out the left mawley," " to close the right peeper," to pay attention to the "potato- trap" the "bread-basket," or the "snorter," are terms which are either imaginative or grotesque, and have a flavor of sport and humor. " To counter on the /;rrt■//^pan," even conveys a soothing, if unground- ed, compliment to the wounded boxer. And the image presented by such phrases becomes still less formidable when these frolics are performed by such harmless creatures as the Birmingham " Pet," the New York " Novice," the Chicago " Chicken," the Ik'nicia " Boy," or the Irish " Infant." It has been observed that the misuse of " play " as a synonym for gambling has gone far toward the toleration and diffusion of that practice ; and the EUrilEMISMS. 123 sportinfT terms " gamboling on the green" and "fighting the tiger" contribute, though less power- fully, to the same result. With similar effect Ger- mans use the word tcmpcln (to build a temple), a rather suggestive substitute for playing faro. In many cases too, it is the studied abuse of the term love in- stead of lust or passion, and oi flirtation w here coarse familiarity would be a more fitting expression, that gives success to the seducer ; and the playful phrase, pondrc de succession^ which was once current in France, has perhaps more than once nerved a vacil- lating poisoner, or even made him, like De Ouincey's connoisseur, regard murder as one of the fine arts. Contracted or disguised oaths may be viewed as euphemisms, that retain the efficacy of their originals as soothing syrups for the irritated feelings, while agreeing better with the moral constitution. Some of these have a further advantage for the etymologist, allowing him the free use of expletives without at all compromising his dignity before the majority of his hearers. Most people, for instance, are ignorant that the grotesque " odds bodikins," is corrupted from God's body, as " 'zounds " is from Cod's wounds, or that, whoever u.ses the unconnubial and antiquated " marry," swears, at least objectively, by the Virgin Mary. If the vulgar '* darn " is a rather more trans- 124 KUl'IIKMISMS. parent incoc^nito of its profane ori^i^inal, it lias a merit of its own, that, while professing- an insincere desire that we may be mended, it really consis^ns us to a place where such a consummation is quite im- possible. The Irish malediction, " bad 'cess to you ! " is just as thinly veiled. This widespread yearning to secure the pleasures without the pains of profanity appears also in the suppression of the name of the Deity in the once popular " 'slife " and "'sdeath," and its corruption in "egad," or the colloquial " So help me Bob," as well as in the Shaksperian expletives " by Gis " and " by Chrish." In the examination of such pitiful shifts and hypoc- risies we must console ourselves with the borrowed reflection that they are so many acts of " the hom- age paid by vice to virtue." Of certain euphemisms a moral eclipse is less the object than the cause, as when the terms si7/_y, sini- hlctoiis ox innocents — all strictly and originally expres- sive of goodness — were first applied to fools ; when stupefied topers were first irreverently said to be *' maudlin," or like the Weeping Magdclcnc^ as she is commonly depicted ; or when '* smartness " becomes a s}'nonym for successful swindling. Delicacy, genuine and spurious, is a prolific source of analogous expressions. Thus, in relation to those KUrilEMISMS. 125 frail and outlawed females not to be even thought of in unvarnished Anglo-Saxon, what a variety of pleasantly-sounding foreign terms — lorettes, Aspasias, traviatas, the demi-monde — spare the modesty of the newspaper corresponde'^it and the ingenuous blushes of the curious reader ! Such illusive para- phrases as "gay women," " filles dc joie," and " pretty horse-breakers," are part of the hollow ra- diance that surrounds the unforgiven sin, and is the ruin of so many human moths of either sex. The Latin '* conciliatrix " must have been much more agreeable to the creature denoted by it than its un- compromising ICnglish translations. Perhaps the most odious and demoralizing euphemisms — which are happily becoming somewhat more rare in this country — are those which evade the use of a common word or phrase, in itself pure and harmless, merely because it may possibly convey a foul idea to an impure mind. Of course the evil ceases when the euphemistic substitute, as is rarely the case, has been universally adopted ; but while it is being forced into use and is struggling for existence, each repeti- tion of the unaccustomed word must remind even the most innocent of the reason of its novel usage, and, consequently, of the very thing which it is pur- posed to banish from our thoughts. The vulgar ori- 120 EUrilKMISMS. j^iiKitors, of such nauscoi.s innovations rcaJly insult tlicir listeners, by infcrriuL^f the likelihootl of their attaching;- a base and uncommon meaning; to a term havinij^ also a pure and common meaning, when that term is clearly intended to be understood in the latter sense. Iloiii soit qui inal y pcusc. The misuse of the words "gentleman" and " lady," so often assumed by or soothingly address- ed to the most degraded classes, is a striking speci- men of the euphemisms that are prompted by cour- tesy. We are not without some misgivings lest " the man in the moon " or " the man at the wheel " may prefer successful claims to gentility ; thou.gh it might seem that this specific tendency had reached its Jic plus ultra when four families occupying the corners of one room assured a pitying visitor that they had been pretty comfortable " till the gentleman in the middle took a lodger ! " ** Ijelle-nijre," to express a generally unpopular relation, is another polite mis- nomer, as is the " Dear Sir " in the missive of an in- dignant dun, or in the procrastinating debtor's reply, however appropriate the epithet may be in a purely commercial sense. Policemen extend further the demulcent influence of euphemisms, and politely notify malefactors that they are " wanted," occasion- ally even presenting them with " a pair of bracelets ;" EUniF.MTSMS. 1-V while bailiffs describe the most iiri^^cnt Ic^^al claims — • sometimes much more anno^iiv^ than the "law's delay "—as "little matters." Some similar verbal courtesies, however, are lesi? disinterested, as when one advertises for " a valise taken by mistake from the S. S. Daniel Doo," or offers a reward for the retin-n of $100 ''found between the Grand and l^fth Avenue Motels." It is not an unselfish politeness which adds the assurance that " no questions will be asked." An offset to the general perversion of this figure of speech is presented in those poetical expressions designed to mitigate distress, which describe death as sleep, the dead as the departed, or parting as bid- diu''- eood-bv. "lintel Dieu " is a beautiful name for a hospital : with some such equivalent for the contemp^..'as "poor-house," so many would not avoid its humiliating hospitalities by starvation or suicide. " Mont-de-piete," too, is a pleasanter eu- phemism than the accommodating " uncle," who al- ways takes considerable interest in performing the duties of a kinsman.