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h 
 
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 / 
 
 HIS HEXCELLE 
 
 HON. V 
 
 M^SYKES, 
 
 ctor tof <?<its anO iLfsenscs,; 
 
 HEXPLAININ 
 
 VOT IS VOT IN CANERDEY, AS VEL AvS VOT 
 HOUGHTN'T TO BE. 
 
 ^^^ MONTREAL : 
 
 .^OLD BY HALL RESPECABEL BOOKSELLERS, AS VILL 
 NOT SVINDEL THE HAUTHER. 
 
 Pric£ Is. 3d. 
 
 '\t> DOMOOHUE AND MANTZ, PRISTKRH. 
 
 ■©,. 
 
 ?jt, 
 
 
s 
 
 « 
 
 i 
 
 .-.-v..^ 
 
i 
 
 M Teefy 
 
 Riobmond Hill 
 
 THE HONERABEL TILLUM SYKES 
 
 ^0 l^is l^cxccllcnt 
 
 LOED CATHCAET, 
 
 GOV'NOR AS VOS. 
 
 YOUR HEXCELLENT. 
 
 Seein the particklar handsum manner in vich 
 the Hon. Villutn Sykes vos treated by the late 
 Sir Charles Bagot, in givin him a sitivashun 
 vidout no salerry, in the Lisensin Department, 
 (as is shoed in thenusepapersof them ere times,) 
 hinduces him to cum forrard just now, ven Your 
 Mexcellent is retirin from the Governin bisness, 
 and is goin into sum other line, halong vid my lady 
 and the famerly. 
 
 The lion. Villum Sykes haint a goin to snub 
 His Hexcellent on haccount hof that ere retirin, 
 seein as how, bein brougt up in the milingtary 
 bisness is a reason as how Your Hexcellent varn't 
 the man to make things wegetate in a Sponserbel 
 Colerny, vere they dont hallow no floggin in Par- 
 lermint, and vere perlitercal drinkin is hawfully 
 prevalent. No, Your Hexcellent, them as sent 
 you hout ought to have noed as there varn't 
 
much chance for a wcnerahlc old draf^oon as 
 aiiit nullin hut liis sword for his fortin. It varirt 
 to ho s'posed as the peonel hof this ere Colerny 
 vas a-g(Hii to he satisfied vid himmertashun 
 liorangcs and aggis, arter liaving feasted on tur- 
 tel and wensun : the konscquencc vos, that ven 
 lliey found out as Your Ilexcellcnt varn't rich, 
 and didn't spend your munny in dinners, and 
 didn't give no bals, they growd wery disgusted, 
 and said as how you varn't fitted at hall for the 
 hisness. And so Your Hexcellent has heen re- 
 called, vich is a kind of pcrlitc vay of sayin 
 dismissed, as vos also dun to the Hon. Villum 
 Svkes, ven it vos diskivered as he vos too honest 
 Jor hoflice. 
 
 Now, Your Hexcellent aint been worry long 
 in the country, and perhaps aint seed all the 
 knavery as the Hon. Villum Sykes has ; but you 
 has seed enufF to no that it aint a worry easy 
 thing to be the Gov'nor o f a Sponserbcl Colerny ; 
 and perhaps you'se hof hopinion that arter a man 
 has gone fro vun year's badge rin vid Ministers, 
 and badnjerin vid Parlermint, and badscerin vid 
 hoffice seekers, and badgerin vid hoffice olders, 
 — and arter he has been habused in the nuse- 
 papers, and been bullyragged by the Coloneral 
 Hoffice at home, — he aint werry much overpaid 
 in getting his salerry, and that if he cums out 
 vid a heasy temper, and vidout losing flesh, he's 
 fit to be made a hangel at vunce, or else to be 
 showed in a carrawansery along vid the vunderful 
 
 \ 
 
 hal 
 
 hoa 
 
 be a 
 
 Oth 
 
 but 
 
 its 
 
 hu 
 
 the 
 
 the 
 
 hof 
 
 pot 
 
 I 
 
5 
 
 ^oon as 
 It varir't 
 Colerny 
 ;rta.shun 
 
 on tur- 
 liat veil 
 I'l ricli, 
 rs, and 
 sgusted, 
 
 for the 
 een re- 
 »f sayin 
 Villum 
 > honest 
 
 ly long 
 all the 
 >ut you 
 y easy 
 
 4 
 
 I 
 
 liallcrgatur. No, Your Ilcxcollcnt, there is 
 hcasicr duties in the vorld, more agrccahler and 
 heautii'uller, than hacting the part of a Gov'nor. 
 Other peopcls gets hallowancos made f()r em, 
 but a Gov'nor never gets nunc. Vatever he does, 
 its sure to be rong. If he says he'll hact 
 huj)right to hall, they svears as he's a breaking 
 the Coiistertushun ; and if he says he'll stick to 
 the Constcrtushun, they svears he aiut got no vill 
 hof hishovvn. lie's just like a fly in a treaklc- 
 pot : verever he goes, he's sure to put his unfor- 
 ternat foot in it. If he's rich, and spends his 
 cash like a gemman, they svear he's a corruptin 
 the publick ; and if he's poor, and takes care of 
 the coppers, vy they habuses his vine, and says 
 as he is the cause of the cholera cuming into the 
 country. Other men gets frends, but a Gov'nor 
 mustn't have no frends. They gives him half a 
 dozen peopel they calls Ministers, and tells him 
 to put 'em into his busum ; and a pretty life they 
 leads him. Jailers is their rite name. Verever 
 he goes, they follers him, like a tin kittle arter 
 a terrier. A Gov'nor mayn't speak to no vun, 
 he mayn't visit no vun, he mayn't be kind to no 
 vun, vidout their leave, cos they says that's 
 underminin their perlitercal hinfluence. And 
 then, ven they'se blowed up his karacter and 
 ruernated his health, and made him a miserable 
 creatur, they valks hoif in a ufT, and leaves him 
 to form a new ministry, vich means to get a lot 
 
 hof new masters. No, Your Hexcellent, the 
 
 a2 
 

 6 
 
 Hon. Villum Sykes noes vot it is to vork hard, 
 and to be down in von's luck, and he's been in 
 the retail tater line, as veil as holding hoffice ; 
 but if he vanted to be miscrabel to-morrer, and 
 and to make a vidder of his vifo and horphins of 
 his children, he noes how he'd do it — he'd go 
 and get made Gov 'nor for a twelvmonth under 
 a sponserbcl ministry. 
 
 But it haint haltogether the fault hof the sys- 
 tem these ere things is so, Your Ilexcellent. The 
 Hon. Villum Sykes don't think as Sponserbel 
 Governmint hitself his a hevil — sartingly not ; 
 but its the men as vorks it bout as his wicious. 
 Fact is. Your Hexcellent, polerticks and pick- 
 pokettin is growd so werry much halike, in this 
 ere country, as honest men don't no hexackly 
 vich is vich, and konsiders as goin to Parlerm int 
 is werry much the same as goin to the de vil. 
 There haint no bar-rum in the country as dont 
 keep a mimber hof its hown, vich hexplains the 
 ministerial secrets to the ^.^Tipany, »nd drinks 
 himself avay for the good^ hof the public. As to 
 konsistency. Your Excellent, they keeps it, like 
 their manners, for werry particklar occashuns, 
 and uses it so werry seldom as people is hapt 
 to forget they as got hany at hall. They'se 
 alvays a-grumblin too, and a-schemin for sum- 
 mut. " Oh !" says vun, " I shall jine the Hop- 
 persishun : the ministry haint a-doin their dooty. 
 I heard as how Draper vos a-learnin the Polker, 
 
 r./Z^v ^^^ 
 
 ^l^.^cryyvic<ju:t -^.-tvnd Daly^s halvays a heating hof hoysters, in- 
 
 4 
 
 » 
 
mrk hard, 
 's been in 
 ? hoffice ; 
 irer, and 
 ^rphins of 
 —he'd go 
 th under 
 
 the sys- 
 ent. Tlie 
 ponserbel 
 gly not; 
 
 wicious. 
 »nd pick- 
 in this 
 hexackly 
 
 irlermint 
 he dg yil. 
 r as dont 
 lains the 
 d drinks 
 !. As to 
 3 it, like 
 cashuns, 
 ) is hapt 
 They'se 
 for sum- 
 he Hop- 
 r dooty, 
 Polker, 
 ters, in. 
 
 i 
 
 I 
 
 stead hof looking arter his party. Its really dis- 
 gustin." I noed vuii member. Your Ilcxcellent, 
 us vos conwerted to Dald vini.sm becos a Cabornet 
 Minister didn't ax liim to supper, and anuther as 
 defeetod a Governmint mcusur becos lie vasn'l 
 hallowed to run up tick in the name of the Hex- 
 ecutive Council. A worry grate patriot as sets 
 witli the Iloppersishun seed the herrors of his Con- 
 servvative vays on haccount hof not bein permit- 
 ted to svindle the government lands, and anuther 
 took dudgon ven he vos hinformed the Ministry 
 didn't hintend to hintroduce a Bill for a sesserna l 
 hallowariceofjmuiijy' 
 
 [ncoorse, Your Ilexcellent, these ere things 
 haint quite korrect, but they haint made no kor- 
 recter ven they gets together to disarrange the 
 liatTairs of the country. Then it is the jiateral 
 spirit cums up, and they speaks hout their minds 
 to von aimther. — " Hallow me to tell that ere 
 gemman on t'other side the House that he haint 
 got the brains of a bull-frog." — " Vill the honer- 
 abel gintleman hallow me to hinquire if he vants 
 his honerabel ed punched ?" — " Let me hinform 
 the respectabel and wenerabel hold bufTer as there 
 hamt a soul in the country as cares half a cuss for 
 liis kouncils." — " Von't I pull your hold nose ?" 
 — " Cum and do it, my chicken !" — and other 
 such helegant obsurwashuns is konsidered parler- 
 mintary and proper. 
 
 Vot sum people konsiders strange, Your Hex- 
 cellent, is, as hall this don't lead to fitein, vich is 
 
 A3 
 
8 
 
 It' 
 
 I 
 
 not so parlermiiitary in Cancrdcy as svearin and 
 ilrinkin. The usual vay is, iiarter a member 
 lias called anuthcr member a liar, for cm to go 
 out and take brandy and vatcr together, for vich 
 the hinjured member pays, in border to prove as 
 \w haint got no hanermosity. The Hon. Villum 
 vunco seed vun member pay for fifteen glasses 
 in vun nite, bcvsides two for callin him a thief, 
 vich, accordin to parlermintary rules, counts 
 <loul)le. This here coorse prewents all bloodshed, 
 iind habiterates members to pcrlite conwersation 
 as veil as strong drinkin. 
 
 In coorse, Your Ilexccllent vill see that these 
 here is little hobstacles in the vay hof the system, 
 but they haint by no means the hole of the hevil. 
 There is the Frenchmen, Your Hexcellen t, vich 
 hold Nick vouldn't be hable to manage, if he 
 yos to cu m out hof Hireland on purpos . They'se 
 alvays a-ready to do vot is rite ven you talks to 
 em ; but as soon as you makes em a holFer, 
 lis hall " Mrs. Bates and my darter !" They'se so 
 werry honnest, that there's no hunderstandin em ; 
 and they's so werry desirus hof puttin down hall 
 (lifTerences, that their vishes hinterferes vid their 
 practice, and keeps 'em from doin nuffin at hall. 
 And then they is so remarkerbel scruperlus that 
 they vont take propersishuns like other men, and 
 the honly vay to get at em is by private and 
 conferdenshal communerkashuns, vich they re- 
 ceves in the most honnerabel manner, showing 
 fust to their frends, and artervards puttin in the 
 
 mi 
 V 
 
[rin and 
 Jember 
 to go 
 for vich 
 ►rove as 
 Villum 
 [glasses 
 |a thief, 
 counts 
 )dslied, 
 srsation 
 
 t these 
 
 ystem, 
 
 hevil. 
 
 t, vich 
 
 f 
 
 * 
 
 P 
 
 I 
 
 wing 
 i the 
 
 nuscpapcrs. Thoy's alvays afraid too hof bein 
 ravished i)y Gov'iiors, and locks up their youi»i( 
 madcs and ould vinimin, in case they Khould'nt 
 g€'t to no haiin, viuh sanio ap|)en^Dd to quid Mis. 
 Vi^rer, bein j^cUed a long vid Sir CharlcM^Jc t. 
 calfc^ as the Hon. VillumS^CH is hinfornied. 
 
 These^ere things makes gov'rnin werry dif- 
 fercult,Your Ilcxcellcnt, seoin as how princerpels 
 haint looked artcr, vich should be, but honly the 
 hindiwiduals, vich haint vorth lookini; arter at 
 hall. The Hon. Villum Sykes is a f ^ ^:>in to hoi- /tA.£ui<yO^'^^ 
 fer a premerum to diskiver vot kind of a creatur y 
 
 a Conservertif Ids ; arter vich he'll giv a new at — a yi^tor/ia/F 
 tor to be showd vot the vord Radcrkal meaTTs! 
 Fact is, as they have ben a jawin and a dis- 
 puten so long as they have foigot vot the row 
 vos at fust, and now they goes on by hinstinct, 
 like thc gemman in the madhouse, vot smoke jjjhe 
 hend hof a carrot, thinkin as it vos a ci^a r. Po- 
 lerticks in this country. Your Hexcellont, is like 
 the French dishes in France : they calls em l)y 
 different names, but thcy's hall made of the werry 
 same bow-wow. There's vot they calls the CoU 
 leg question, vot alvays kicks up a row. Sum on 
 em. Your Hexcellent, vishes as religun should be 
 used in the schoo ls, along vid the Latin and Greek, 
 vich the others konsiders vont do. It is the Hon. 
 Billy Boulton as thinks (on beh alf hof the Bishop ) '"^'^ ' /L~ 
 as mixing the boys as is to be saved by baptism '■^^^'^^ ^^^ 
 along vid them as is to be saved y idout, and them 
 as is to be saved by faith along vid them as is to 
 
 ^V' ^-^ 
 
10 
 
 be saved byvorks, is a confounding the breeds, 
 and vont bri for the good of tiieir soles : vilst 
 tuthers konsiders as it is jatin and leap-fro g as 
 should be taut in the Col leg, and not religun 
 at hall. The Hon. Villi lui Sykes dont no vot His 
 Hexcellent's hopinion is on the question, but he's 
 avare vot appened to his own young juverni le 
 liofTspring, vich v os sen t to learn moralsatscool, 
 and vich com med home the most hawfullestjroung 
 rips as ever vos , a sveari n and a smokin short 
 pipes , and a vinkin like fun at the ga ls : after 
 vich haccedent, the Hon. Villum konsiders as the 
 best moral instructors is the parents themselves, 
 and that ven you gets a lot hof young 'uns to- 
 gether, they likes cats-crauel better nor their 
 katechisms, and th"at ihey looks more arter the 
 little hartikles of eating than they does arter the 
 hartikles of the church. So that he's cum to the 
 hopinion that its visest to leave these here ques- 
 tions halone, and that it haint for the governmint in 
 a country like this here, vere there haint no 
 'stablished Church, to set up hacks of parlermint 
 to decide vot religun boys should be teached ; 
 and that these ere dilFerences is lamed quite sune 
 enuff out hof school vidout takin the trouble to 
 teach 'em vidin. For iniself, the Hon. Villum 
 hopes he's a Kristiun , and he dont vant to hinter- 
 fere vid nobody else, sein as how he believes 
 that if a man's honly konscienshus and just — not 
 viBJng^ilkJieyes vi j^ hinnien s, and a-gr oanin j iis 
 bo ^^els hou t — he may safely be trusted to go 
 
 i 
 
 A 
 
pie breeds, 
 
 !1H- viLst 
 la 
 
 't religun 
 
 '10 vot His 
 
 \ ^nt he's 
 
 uvernile 
 
 at^scooJ, 
 
 ^'^'n short 
 ^s; after 
 ■^s as the 
 niseJvea, 
 'uns to. 
 
 or their 
 I'ter the 
 
 rter the 
 
 n to the 
 
 e ques- 
 
 mint in 
 
 int no 
 
 Qrmhu 
 
 ehed ; 
 
 3sune 
 
 We to 
 
 ilium 
 
 nter- 
 
 ieves 
 
 -not 
 
 Liiis 
 
 ' go 
 
 I 
 
 
 11 
 
 by himself, vidout ^ing leaf from t hemare hof 
 Toronter. 
 
 And now the Hon. Villum Sykes vishcs to say 
 Summet habout the pcopol as lives in the country, 
 vich is the vainestest poopel in the the vorld, and 
 is alvays a puffin themselves up, as if they vos 
 viser than nobody. Ven the Hon. Villum Sykcs 
 heres sum hof these creaturs talk, he feels as tho 
 he vos a goin to wommit. " Vot a fool that ere 
 Peel is," says vun, " he dont no nulFin habout 
 our constertushun. I vishcs he'd cum into Ca- 
 nerdey and here our hopinions in Parlermint.'* 
 "Vot a pitty," says another, *'as Mister GJad- 
 ston dont hunderstand vot he's talkin about. It 
 is really shockin to see how hignerrant them 
 Ministers is." Then they's halvays a getting 
 wery much disgusted, and a braggin hof the 
 sarvices they did ven tliey vent out to kill the 
 country peopcl's chi c kens and turkey s, vich vos in 
 a state of I'ob^ ^una^alnst^m. They's like a lot hof 
 bull-frogs in a ccder-swanip, Your Excellent, al- 
 vays a hollerin and a bellerin, but nobody dont no 
 vot its habout. Venthe Conservatifs is in, they 
 haint satisfied vid their leaders , vich they kon- 
 siders is vorse nor their hennemys, and ven their 
 hennemys is in, they's so worry disgusted that 
 they vishes they vos galley slaves at vunce. So 
 there's alvays a bobbery, Your Excellent — vun a 
 tryin to sell the tother, like the black niggers in 
 Afrikey. 
 
12 
 
 The Iloncrabol Villum Sykcs halso konsiders 
 as His Hexccllent not, fecdiii the peopel, vos de- 
 cidedly agin him. Public hopinioii vos giner-' 
 ally awerse to Ilis Ilexcellent's vine, vicih vos 
 varranled to sour arter drinkin, and vich is sup- 
 posed to have hupset the hinsides hof the Min- 
 istry. In coorse, the Hon. Villum haint hinflu- 
 enced by no sich devourin feelins, but he noes 
 V{jt human natur is, and vot the wittles vill do. 
 (Consequence vos, Your Ilexcellent, that ven they 
 cummed home from the Levey vidout bavin 
 their suppers, they vos werry disgusted, and set 
 to makin fun, axin' thuir sarvants to hunbuttcn 
 tlioir stays, vich vos a bustin, and complainin 
 hof the pceches and hiinmcrtashun horanges, 
 vich they said vos lay in heavy on their stum- 
 mucks. Purhaps Your Hexccllent vont believe 
 this ere, but the Hon. Villum noes human natur, 
 and how it looks arter the dinners. For himself, 
 he aint arter dinin vid Gov'nors at hall- Vot is 
 the good on it. Your Hexccllent, ven you has got 
 vour own dinner hat ome ? Vot is a Gov'nor's 
 dinner, Your Hexccllent ? Vot but a squevze, 
 and a hurry, and a belly-ache ? First, there's 
 the trouble of puttin lion a clone koller, and 
 blacknin your boots, and then there^s the bother 
 hof the red-breeches fellar as tumbles you hinto 
 the rum, a-hoUering hout your name as tho you 
 had stold summet, or vos a goin to be nocked 
 down hat a hauckshun. And arter that, there's 
 the bother hof gettin down stares, and a-treadin 
 
13 
 
 Insiders 
 ps de- 
 
 giner- • 
 \h vos 
 f« sup. 
 
 Mill, 
 Vinfiu. 
 
 noes 
 n do. 
 they 
 
 i- 
 
 n 
 
 upon the vimmeJi's pettcrcotcs, vich is halvays in 
 the vay. And then ven you is down, there 
 haint no cumfertahel feodin. Tiiey sticks von 
 hy sum!)0(Jy you dont no, and helps you to 
 surnthin you dont like. And then tliere's a hollerin 
 at 3^ou to take vine, and you nods at tlie decanters 
 as is held up till you gets red in the face, an<l 
 lieats too quick, and has indergestun, and vants t 
 hunbutten your vaslecote, but cant do it, becos 
 it haint heterket at a Gov'nor's table. Compare 
 this, Your Hexccllent, to dinnin vid your hown 
 vife, hoiFyour hown mutton, vid your hown chil- 
 dren and your hown taters, and smokin your 
 hown pipe arter, and drinkin your hown alf-and- 
 alf like a Kristiun, and goin to bed and sayin 
 your prayers vid nothin eavy on your stum- 
 muck or your konscience. Dine v id Gov'nors 
 h indeed! T he Hon. Villum Sykes vould rathe r 
 govidout ^his dinne rjULJiall ! 
 
 But the peopel in this ere country is queer 
 peopel, Your Ilexcellent : they haint rich, and 
 they haint butiful, and they haint got too much 
 good manners ; but they's werry crittercal, and 
 they's liberal vid other peopel's munny, and givs 
 grate flaresups (vich is ginerally on the heve hof 
 their bankrupcy), arter vich they shuts hup shop 
 for the season. Veil, in coorse, they hexpected as 
 how Your Hexcellent vos a goin to do jist the 
 same ; and ven they found as you varnt, and 
 how Her Ladyship vos a-puttin a vay the saler- 
 ry in the bank, why then, Your Hexcellent, 
 
mfrnm- 
 
 ) 
 
 I" 
 
 14 
 
 tliere vos a row. But the fact is, Your Hexcel- 
 lent, this haint a wery grate country for morals, 
 and private karacter haint looked on like vheat, 
 vich is halvays a cash transhacshun. In the 
 Jolly Buohers, ve halters that ere. Ven a man 
 dont pay his dets, ve kicks him hout ; but the 
 haristocrercy hof Canerdey hacts hon a different 
 princerpel. If a feller vos to rob a bank, and 
 artervards set up a carrage, they'd hadmit him 
 to their tables, and marry him if they could to their 
 darters. This here haint as it should be. Your 
 Hexcellent. It dont vork veil, and it haint Hing- 
 lish. In the ould country, karacter is summet. 
 Peopel there may have their faults. Your Hex- 
 cellent; and they has. But they pays their 
 dets ; and if theyse proud, it haint at bother 
 peoples' hexpence. And this is vot makes em a 
 grate nashun, and their polertishuns grate poler- 
 tishuns. They haint so perlite a peopel as the 
 French, and they haint so smart as the Yankees ; 
 but theyse a plaguy deal more honest, and if uther 
 nashuns dont like em, vy they haint hafraid to 
 put em down on their books. But in Canerdey 
 they halters all this. Ven you goes into socierty 
 you rubs agin cotes as haint paid for, and 
 never vil be, and you sits down to suppers svin- 
 dled from krediturs, hout of bankrupt hestates, and 
 danses to pihannerfortes vich, if they could speak 
 ther hown musercal minds, vould play "TheRoges' 
 March," instead hof the polker. Now the Hon. 
 Villum Sykes carnt eat these ere suppers, for he 
 
 think? 
 10 the 
 the la 
 the V 
 
 \\\\\n^ 
 
 Vc 
 
 Dale 
 
 sheri 
 
 a for 
 
 you, 
 
 and 
 
 cum 
 
 fori 
 
 bod 
 
 « 
 
 he, 
 ■ ban 
 
 me 
 
 dee 
 hin 
 
 f 
 
 go 
 lei 
 he 
 a^ 
 
 V1 
 
 u 
 
 a 
 t 
 
 'I 
 
 ^ 
 
 
15 
 
 Hinff- 
 mmet. 
 
 rHex- 
 
 ! their 
 
 bother 
 
 i em a 
 
 poler- 
 
 is the 
 
 kees; 
 
 uther 
 
 lid to 
 
 )rdey 
 
 ierty 
 and 
 
 3vin. 
 
 and 
 
 >eak 
 
 ges' 
 
 Ion, 
 
 rhe 
 
 f 
 
 thinks they'd choke him ; and lie vouhhi't polker 
 fo that ere musik, for he'd suppose as hs heard 
 the lamentashuns hof the honest makers, vich hall 
 the vile haint konsidered good enough for sicii 
 hiHusterous cumperny. 
 
 Ven the Ilonerahel Villum Sykos goes hinto 
 Daley's Hotel tutlier day, he meets vid a fa* 
 shernabel marchand, vich is a-pickin salmon vid 
 a fork, and a-lookin wery hunappy. " How is 
 you, Muster Sykes," says he, " how is you? Cum 
 and sit down, and take sum shampain : I vants 
 cumperny, for I'se werry hunappy." " Sorry 
 for that," say I; " vots the matter ? Has sum- 
 body been pickin your pocket ?" "No," says 
 he, " Muster Sykes, it haint that ere : it's the 
 banks as is a doin for me . Vot do you think ? — 
 they vont take my paper hat hal l ! It's a-makin 
 me wery hunappy !'* "It's wery dredful, hin- 
 deed," says I ; " t hem ere banks bought to be 
 hindicted for svindlin ." " So they hought j 
 Sykes," saysjii^ > " so they bought. Vol's the 
 good on em if they cant keep honest men on ther 
 legs ? I don't think I'll surwive it !" And here 
 he drinked a glas of shampain, and pitched 
 avay iiinto the salmon. " Its a hawful thing for 
 vuns famerly," says he, arter a vile : " Ve'U have 
 to give avay the hoses to my sorrerful relashuns 
 and hide avay the spoons binside of the pibanner, 
 for fear they is stold by our krediturs. But its 
 a blessin to have nuffin on vun's konscien ce, and 
 to be abel to say has you has alvays lived vithin 
 
 B 
 
IG 
 
 \ 
 
 a thousand a-year. Oh karacter is a slap-up) 
 hartercle, Muster Sykes, haint it?'* " Vy yes," 
 says I, " perhaps it is ; but this ere haint the 
 fust time, is it V " No," says he, " it haint the 
 fust time, but I vasn't prepared for the blow. Ve 
 has been layin in vine for the vinter, and halso a 
 larnin the polker. OIi, Sykes, it's that ere vot 
 makes me werry hunappy." " Its the hawful. 
 lest thing as ever I heerd on," says I, *' but pur- 
 haps the kreditors vont be sewere." " They 
 didn't bought to be, Syjtes; cos my haffairs has ben 
 kept in a nutshel. There haint no dets to col- 
 lect ; nuffin to bother em hat hall. Ve halvays 
 spent vot we got, and never gived nobody trust. 
 That's vot I calls doin a strait- forard bisness." 
 *' No stock at hall 1" axes I ; " Vy, yes; there's 
 part hof a consinment hof tooth-brushes, 
 and a wery fine hassortment of sand^ 
 paper, vich vill do for the hassinees to rub 
 emselves down vid, vilst ve is lamentin at home : 
 but you haint a-goin, 3ykes— ve'U hav anuther 
 glas of shampain — I vants cumpany, becos I'se 
 werry hunappy." " Thankee," says I, f * I don't 
 think I couldn't drink no shampain : it mightn't 
 agree vid my stummuch : and sum hunfashernabel 
 peepel vould say a.3 I vos a robbin your kredit- 
 urs." So 1 took my at, and as I vent hout, 
 Your Hexcellent, I heard him horderin anuther 
 bottel of shampain, telUn the vaiter as how be vos 
 werry hunappy, 
 
slap-Up 
 
 y yes,'' 
 
 laint the 
 laint the 
 ow, Ve 
 iialsoa 
 ere vot 
 
 [lawful, 
 
 'ut pur. 
 J** They 
 
 has ben 
 
 to col- 
 
 alvays 
 
 trust, 
 pness. " 
 there's 
 ■ushes, 
 
 sand, 
 o rub 
 \iGme : 
 mther 
 » I'se 
 don't 
 [htn't 
 label 
 •edit- 
 lout, 
 Iher 
 vos 
 
 ^ 
 
 17 
 
 These here things is bad, YourHexcellent, and 
 makes it werry hard for the little rogues vot gets 
 sent to the Pennytenshery, vilst the big uns is 
 heliwated into igh hofferces, and inwited to svin- 
 del for the honner and kredit hof the countrey. 
 
 Ven the Hon. Villum goes hinto the countrey, 
 he ears peepel hevery vere a grumblin, axin vy 
 the rodes haint made, and vere's the briges the 
 the Government promised em. But the Govern- 
 ment is too busy a runnin habout amusin em- 
 aelves, to pay no hattenshun to sich things, and 
 the Board hof Vorks (Board hof bad Vorks, as the 
 Hon. Villum konsiders) is ginerally hengaged in 
 hexplanin its conduct to commisshuners, vich gets 
 werry veil paid for showin the countrey how jolly 
 veil robbed it ha,: been. As to that ere Board in 
 particklar, the Hon. Villum Sykes konsiders as it 
 is the most hingenus hinwenshun hof the day, 
 and a buterful speciment hof Col one r al Sponserbel 
 Government. If it hadn't been for it, Your Hex- 
 cellent, the Colerny never vould have noed the 
 blessins hof gettin in det, as veil as diggin chan- 
 nels in places vere old Natur vos parfeckly 
 ashamed to make the hattempt. It's a reel halli- 
 gatur is that Board, Your Hexcellent. It can 
 svoller hany hamount of grants the countrey vill 
 give it, and ven they goes in vunce, it is a werry 
 grate chance if they hever cums hout agin. 
 " Vere's the fifteen thousand pounds promused to 
 us?" axes vun Districk, and the hanser is, 
 
 " The Board of Vorks has got it." " Vere's the 
 
 b2 
 
iM 
 
 f 
 
 18 
 
 muniiy for our brige?" axes anuther, and agin 
 tliey says, " The Board of Vorks has got it." 
 The Board of Vorks gets hevery thing, Your 
 1 lexcellcnt, and takes werry good care on it ven 
 it has got it, lay in it out in the most profertabel 
 manner for con ti act u is , and now and then invvestin 
 small sums in buildin gintel willas in town, vich 
 iutur ginnerashuns vill pint to, as interestin hex- 
 atnples hof vot humbunj and svindlin vill do. But 
 whos fault is hall this, Your Hexcellent, but the 
 |)eej>le's themselves. In coorse, vilst they hal- 
 lows emselves to be bamboozled habout things aa 
 dont signify nuffin, they haint goin to have prac- 
 tcrcal Government, but he^rery roge as is habel 
 vill svindel em as much as he can. Aint 
 it true, Your Hexcellent, as hevery thing is 
 liout hof sorts in this here blessed land ? — 
 Look to hedicashun : there's a Superingtendent 
 and Deputes Supermgtendents as rites books ha- 
 bout warious systems, but dont seem to have 
 tbund hout no system for Canerdey yet, hexcept 
 the system hof drawin the munny. Vot his the 
 Hedicashun Bill in Lower Canerdey ? A hum- 
 bug. Them as noes the good hof hedicashun, 
 H?.m\s their young uns to school, as they vould in 
 hanv case votsumdever ; but as to the Gover- 
 mint system of hincouragin readin and ritin — 
 hexcept to them as gets hold hof the salerries — 
 its hall my eye and my garters. And its jist the 
 same vid the Districk Counsels, Your Hexcellent. 
 They dont vork and vont vork, cos the Parlerment 
 
 I 
 
 V 
 
 •'$. 
 
and agin 
 is got it." 
 
 f^ng, Your 
 > on it ven 
 fJroferlabeJ 
 ?n invvestin 
 fown^ vich 
 I'estin hex. 
 i!?- But 
 't' l^ut tije 
 t^Jey iiaJ. 
 things aa 
 ave prac- 
 is habei 
 Ji- Aint 
 thing is 
 ' land ?^ 
 
 igtendent 
 >ooks ha- 
 to have 
 hexcept 
 t his the 
 ^ hum. 
 cashun, ^ 
 ^ould in 7j 
 Gover- 
 ritin — 
 rries — 
 jist the 
 elJent. 
 rment 
 
 10 
 
 haint dun its dooty, and the peepel vont help 
 cmselves, as they bought. And yet they konsi- 
 ders as they is grate polertishuns, Your Ilexccl- 
 lent, and, vilst they haint hable to manage their 
 hown parish liaiFairs, vants to teech visdum to 
 Hingland ! Hinquire vot is wanted, Your He>- 
 cellent, and you'll find bout as hall is vanted, — 
 hevery thing has to be dune hover agin. The 
 laws for the hadministrashun hof justis — local 
 guvernrient — hedicashun — registrashun — hevery 
 blessed thing as has been hattempted his a failur : 
 and yet they considers theyse a grate perliterkal 
 peepel ! Oh verry, werry ! 
 
 Wanity of Collernists vos showd in gettin hup 
 hof Merlisher, Your Hexcellent, vich vos hall 
 axin to be hofFicers, considerin as privates vos 
 wulgar. The Hon. Villum Sykes, not bein a 
 milingtary karacter, vos happointed to take kare 
 hof the bagage, not being nun liat the time. 
 Hall the rest hof the regmint vos ginnerals, hex- 
 ceptin the band, vich blowd emselves hout hof 
 discerplin in a fortnit. Consequence vos, Your 
 Hexcellent, not bein enulT ginneral wacances, the ^e^Ci>-n.*^l^ 
 varriors growd cross, and said as how Gugy vos 
 suckin em. The Hon. Villum haint seed his 
 regmint, vich vos von hof the gallentest, for 
 more nor three months, and vishes His Hexcel- 
 lent to report him " all rite " hat ed quarters. 
 He also konsiders as if, ven they tries em agin, 
 they fills hup the ranks vid full kernels, they'll 
 
 b3 
 
 T-i^-yY' 
 
I, 
 
 
 ;! 
 
 G^jumi 
 
 N i 
 
 i\ 
 
 \\ 
 
 20 
 
 \ni Iiabel to rise a worry large harmy, and vop 
 ilie liennermy in a gentelmunly manner. 
 
 liut haint it a shame, Your Ilexcellent, asmis- 
 orabel feelins hof this kind should hinterfere vid 
 a nashinul hobject, and that them as hosts of their 
 past deeds and there loyalty should hexibit them 
 ioelins by hobstructing the Government venever 
 liit hindevors to move ? And this ere is the case, 
 Your Hexcellent. It haint posserbel for govern- 
 ment to take nuffm in and, but there's a houtcry 
 and bobbery, and that hoften enufffrom them as 
 is loudest in proklamin there vartue. This ere 
 liaint like the young Sykses, ven they heard as the 
 Yankeys vos himperint. Votthey did vos tocall a 
 public meetin hof hall the young\vNagabondsjhey 
 / jujed, vich hagree Jlinanimosely asHiie Horegan 
 * belonged to Queen Wictoria, and they'd have it, 
 und raised a suscripshun hof a penny a boy to de- 
 Iray the hespences hof marchin to Vashington to 
 c atch hold hof ould Tyler and the Merican Con- 
 liiess, vich they hagreed vos a set of blowed rob- 
 bers. They didn't quarrel habout commishuns, 
 Your Hexcellent, but hall they vanted vos to get 
 hat the hennermy and show vot the Sykses vos 
 made on. As for hofficers, in a good cause hevery 
 man's a nobelman, and them honly is sneaks 
 and Immbugs as sticks hout for himagenary 
 iionners. 
 
 Vun hof the^ievils hof this country, Your Hex- 
 cellent, is t lie nusepaper s, vich is like the pigs, 
 werry numcrus, and werry lean and hungrey 
 
 r 
 
'> and 
 
 vop 
 
 it, as mis- 
 
 ^rferc viti 
 
 its of their 
 
 Mt them 
 
 venever 
 
 the case, 
 
 r govern- 
 houtcry 
 them as 
 This ere 
 
 rd as the 
 tocalj a 
 
 ndsth ey 
 
 loregan 
 
 have jt, 
 
 >y to de- 
 
 igton to 
 
 in Con- 
 ned rob- 
 
 ishuns, 
 
 ! to get 
 
 5es vos 
 
 levery 
 
 'neaks 
 
 enary 
 
 Hex- 
 
 grey 
 
 
 ..i;iii^ 
 
 8t 
 
 Iiindced. Fust, them as Jms em, tries to get v^\<W>^^^ 
 
 ofFercos, and veil they can't, they sets up as he<ler- 
 
 turs, and takes t o reformin habuscs. The Hun. 
 
 Villum &)ykes never lets nun of em cuin liinto 
 
 the Jolley Buchers, vich vos vunce dun by vun, 
 
 as quarreled vid the cumperny, and never paid for 
 
 liis beer and his baccy. In coorse he don't mean to 
 
 say as there's sum as hisnt respectabel, ritin the 
 
 langage korrekly, a dotting their i's, and not 
 
 going a shootin on Sundays ; but these here is 
 
 hexccpshuns, and the rest is as wicious as wi- 
 
 pers. Fact is. Your Hexcellent, genteel purfes- 
 
 shunsinCanerdoy is worry much like the holes in 
 
 the bedsteds, ready-made logings for wermin, 
 
 and if many hof them as his reformin habuses 
 
 vos a grindin of nives, the Hon. Mr. Sykes kon- 
 
 siders it vould be be better for morrels and gram - 
 
 mer^ ' » 
 
 Sistem hof pufTen vich these here hediturs clcfUA^/vc*^u*u 
 hadopts is halso konsidered vverry dishonest and 
 wulgar. Venever a hacter or a curoserty cums 
 hinio the countrey. Your Hexcellent, them has 
 gets the hadwertisemints begins to be worry hex- 
 cited, svearin as how they never seed nuffin like 
 it hafore, and a hagrawatin the publick hinto 
 goin. " Niver in the whole coorse of hour hanx- 
 shus hexistence," says vun, *' did ve hever look 
 on sich a diwine hexerbishun. Tiie pictur hof 
 Wenise by munlite, vid the hold vimmen a sellin 
 hof happles, is more like real than the horigernal, 
 and halone vorth dubbcl the munny." " Ve is 
 
82 
 
 1 ' 
 
 ti: 
 
 .|' 
 
 I t 
 
 t:i 
 
 ^Xi/U^^£^ 
 
 sorry to rnr," says anufibr, "as the vonderful 
 nkcllorton haint hattractin more wiserters. Tlie 
 lades in pcrticklar liought not to neglect him. 
 A site hof Jiis legs is vorth half the price hof had- 
 misshun, vilst to them as is curous, the singerlari- 
 ty of looken throw his rihs to see vot he's had for 
 his dinner, is a pleasur not hoften hen joyed. Ve re- 
 commends him to our readers as hintercstin and 
 amusin." It's alvays the same, Your Hexcel- 
 lent, the most vonderful gintelmunly hacters, 
 the most mirraccelous himerges, the most hex- 
 quisite painters, the hinterestinest giants and 
 crockerdiles — till they vorries the people to death, 
 besides a pickcn their pockets. The Hon. Villum 
 Sykes thinks as how as if they'd honly to pay for 
 themselves, they vouldn't halvays be a puffin 
 and a blowin. But fact is, Your Hexcel- 
 lent, hederturs is honly slaveys in Canerdey, and 
 couldn't be nuffin else if they vould. The Hon. 
 Villum Sykes noed vun vunc e as vos the most 
 unhappiest man as hever vos, a killin himself 
 vid remorse hon haccount hof swindlin the pub- 
 lick. "I kan't help it, Sykes," says he, "I 
 kan't help it, ould brick. Ven I goes to see the 
 . wampire, he's halvays a suckin on me — (wam - 
 \\nTe v os the properrietu r, Your Hexcellent— 
 hall properrieturs his wampire s) — hedertur, says 
 he, there's a new curoserty a* liadwe rtidn to^iiay, 
 rich vants to be hintr&duced to our readers. As 
 the learned pig , is a goin hout hof town, and has 
 jist paid his bill, ve can say as he is the most 
 
 i 
 
 ! 
 
 Ms. 
 m 
 
 i; 
 
 
iia 
 
 vonderful 
 ^' The 
 ^ect him. 
 Wjiad. 
 "gerJari. 
 s had for 
 Vere. 
 stin and 
 Hexce]. 
 hacters, 
 St iiejK- 
 *s and 
 death, 
 ViJJum 
 iPay for 
 puffin 
 lexcel- 
 
 y, and 
 >Hon. 
 ' most 
 mself 
 pub. 
 > "f 
 the 
 am. 
 It— 
 ays 
 
 As 
 as 
 
 8t 
 
 ^' 
 
 I 
 
 pxtraordincrcst crcatur in iUc unlwcrsc ! So, 
 Sykes, ^ sells myself and tlio public for sixteen 
 and tuppence a veek." There vos a hawfull 
 hexainple, Your Ilcxcellcnt ! 
 
 I lus to them nuscpapcrs vich i s disturbin tlio 
 country vid polcrticks , lour Ilexcellent, they 
 liaint got no more konsistency nor edgehogs, bein 
 made to suit tiie hintcrests hof projxjrrieturs, vieii 
 is halways for feedin their bellies. They haint 
 content to hact hupon the principcl hof the hunts, 
 vich divides hall the j^bur between em, but each 
 on em vants to be fust hiri the mousetrap, and 
 ave hall the cliese to hisself. ** That ere is our 
 questun," says vun : "we vos the fust as ever 
 said bricks vos bricks ji n Canerdc y.'* "Not by 
 no means," says anuthur : " hif our readers vill 
 look into hany number hof our paper vich haint 
 to be ibund, they vill see as bow our estemed 
 kuntrumpery is a sellin on em, and vill diskiver 
 as the Hindependint Todestool vos the fust respec- 
 tabel journal as cummed hout on the questun hot 
 bricks." It haint ginerally sposed, Your Ilex- 
 cellent, as there niver vos a paper as vos hof the 
 same princerpels for more nor three years, arter 
 vich time they ginerally dyes natral deaths, or 
 goes hinto a new line hof perlertical bisness. 
 There haint no hend on em nether, but the pub- 
 lick's halvays bein robbed to put sum new hin- 
 dependent patrihot hon his legs, vich arterwards 
 takes to habusin em. Vot the Hon. Villum 
 Sykes thinks, is as how as if the Guverment vos 
 
 !^/<^^' 
 
 • aI 
 

 WJ 
 
 !*1 
 
 m 
 
 Ispuu^Hjl^ 
 
 I 
 
 ■< El 
 
 I 
 
 24 
 
 to put a ta x hupon nusepapers , the same as is 
 put upon dogs and uther wenermous hanermals, it 
 vould be for the good hof the countr y. There 
 hein so many on em is a worry cruel thing for the 
 publick^ a-keepin peopel from heatin ther brake- 
 fusts, and a-killin the bosses in the males, vich 
 is wurth a grate deel more nor the hederturs. 
 A reelhinde ^endent press , Your Hexcellent, is a 
 slap-up koncern, a manetainrn of publick hopin- 
 nion, keepin the r oads ^vatered , and other vise pro - 
 motin reli^un , but a svarm hof littel tuppenny 
 sheets, as there is in this countrcy, is a nusance as 
 is vurse nor the bu^s and muskitos . The konse- 
 quence is, Your Hexcellent, they must have 
 summet to do, and hif there haint mischef, they 
 makes hit, keepin socierty a bilin like taters in a 
 saucepan, and half for nuffin hat hall. Now, 
 Your Hexcellent, this ere haint rite, and hif ther 
 Honerabcl Villum Sykes vos the Government 
 ( vich he haint hat presen t), he'd take the jackets 
 hoff them ere wegetabels, and no mistook. 
 
 It's the same vid th^ L, lawyers , Your Hexcel- 
 lent, sum ot vich is konsidered wulgar by balifs, 
 and honly spoke to by buchers on Sun day. As 
 to callin it a lamed purfesshun, the thing's a decid- 
 ed mistook : there hain't no larnin hat hall, but 
 honly a grate deal of brass. The vay they does 
 it, is to get two hof ther pals to go up vid em be- 
 fore a ould juge, who is def, jist as he's a-goin 
 to dinner. " Vill your honner," says they, 
 *■ hexamine this ere young gemman as vos a stu- 
 
 ayin vij 
 *i health 
 ' bis oat] 
 voT*\- 
 'spose 
 
 as to 1| 
 
 tl\ey, 
 
 bad^ 
 that,'] 
 to ^"^1 
 
 mort 
 to 
 
 SyV 
 
 brii 
 
 it 
 
 Un 
 
 H 
 
 a 
 
 \\ 
 
 1 
 
 ^s 
 
25 
 
 as is 
 JaJs, it 
 
 There 
 Vor the 
 
 praJfe. 
 
 vich 
 
 ^) is a 
 •opin- 
 £rp. 
 >enny 
 
 [ceas 
 [onse- 
 [have 
 they 
 
 in a 
 ow, 
 
 lent 
 iets 
 
 el 
 
 fs, 
 
 is 
 
 I 
 
 It 
 
 9 
 
 i 
 
 dyin vid Muster Bayponies, and has ruined hia 
 health vid late hours V " Muster Latehours is 
 his name, is it ?" says the juge, as don't hear a 
 vord — '* I vish he'd come arter dinner ; but I 
 'spose you noes his habillertes, and can sartify 
 as to his studes. " Oh, yes, your honner," says 
 tliey, in a werry low woice, " he's parfecly hac- 
 ^vainted vid Hoyle upon vhist, and noes h all the 
 b ad customs hof Paris ." " Oh, veil, if he noes 
 that," says the juge, "he^U be a grate honner 
 to his purfesshun, and I congraterlates him hon 
 oomin to the bar, and vishes him a werry good 
 mornin." And so the young gemman valks hoii' 
 to Muster Moses, and spouts his father's vatch to 
 pay for the fees, and commences to be a " honner 
 to his purfesshun." 
 
 Now, Your Hexcellent, the Hon. Villum 
 Sykes konsiders as this ere aint quite the vay to 
 bring up young gemmen to the bar, seein as how 
 it haint so differcult as gettin hinto the tailerin 
 line, or a larnin to mend ould hellers. If the 
 Honerabel Villum Sykes vos a juge (vich bac- 
 oordin to present system he hexpects), he vouldn't 
 hallow sich goins hon, vich is a hofferin a legal 
 refuge for the destertute, and a himposin hupon 
 socierty at large. This ere vos showd in a law suite V *. / 
 vich took place ven the Hon^^ Villum's calf yos At a \AtAf'tM^ 
 stoled , been cotched a vanderin in the fields a 
 lookin arter its muther. " Vot's to be dun," says 
 the Hon. Villum to a lamed kouncil, as vos hin- 
 gaged for the bisaess — " Vot's to be dun — I 
 
Mffll 
 
 
 vants that ere calf rekivered ?" " Sartingly," 
 says he, and so he goes to vork, findin hout as 
 how the calf vos basely slaugtered, bein a hangin 
 by its legs, vidout its preshus skin hon. '' That's 
 liawkard, Sykes ;" says he, "that here sews us 
 hup at vunce. Ve haint got no resource." " Vy 
 not?" says I, "that's my calf: I noes him 
 by his tale." " No," says he, " it haint : that 
 haint a calf at hall : that vos a calf, but now he's 
 dead, he's weal." So, Your Hexcellent, the 
 Hon. Villum Sykes vos dooed, and the hinjured 
 cow as owned Jhe calf vo s sold to pa y hex, 
 penses. 
 
 As to juges. Your Hexcellent, the lM[n. 
 Villum Sykes konsiders as how they is vllse 
 hofF than bosses in Canerdey. Ven he goes hlhto 
 Court and sees em a sitten vid their cocked hats 
 lion, a vorkin their preshus hinsides hout, it makes 
 him feel werry hunappy. Flesh and blood 
 haint hable to stand hall the badgerin them 
 blessed ould creaturs gets, fust in vun Court and 
 then in hanuther, till they is forced to carry 
 thurmometurs in their pockets for to see how 
 their lungs is a-goin. Vot the Honerabel Villum 
 Sykes says is, as how it vould be more handsum- 
 er for the Government to pison em at vunce than 
 to shut em hup in a place vich is vurse nor the 
 black ole hof Calcuttey . For vot is the gool hof 
 bein a juge, Your Hexcellent, if you cant keep 
 your health and your sperits, a su;ellin sveet ven 
 you cums hout hof Court, and a pichin hinto the 
 
 re 
 
 '' I 
 
I 
 
 27 
 
 '^Sfty," witlles like biases ? But this haint vot the Monu 
 l^out as real jmres does : they dont look as tho they'd 
 ^hsLngin got no happertites at hall, but is as dingy and 
 That's dumpy as a docter's door-plate on a vet mornin. 
 
 'Ws Us • And it haint werry plesant vork, Your HexceU 
 " Vy lent. They as to see them as they noes bought 
 
 's hitn to bo bunged, valk hofF vidout as much as 
 
 P* that sayin <' Good mornin," and to ear jures set up to 
 
 jw' he's ^ be viser in law nor the juges ; and to Ix; bother. 
 t, the ' ed from mornin to nite vid the bar and the bai- 
 fnjured lifs. And the Hon, Villum Sykes thinks as arter 
 
 hex. they has gone thro this for ten or twelve years, 
 
 iheyse werry veil fi t for their graves and a 
 penshun. ' ' 
 
 ' Noj^Your Hexcellent, the system haint a sys- 
 tem to make juges jolly and happy. There's 
 too much liberty for rogues and not enuff for 
 honest men. Talk hof liberty hof subjects, it's a 
 liberty to commit crime ven murdurers can 
 make their hown bargin vid the Government, 
 and valk hinto the dock as though they vos a-goin 
 hinto their carrages : and this is vot the Hon. 
 Villum Sykes has seed dun, and ven he did see 
 it, he said as how he'd sunner live among the vild 
 hingins than among a people as suffered that ere. 
 And arter this, Your Hexcellent, is it a vender 
 as things like men, but as is devils , should cum 
 hout of their houses, vich is hels, vid smiles hon 
 their faces and murder in their harts ? And is it 
 a vender that the green svard under their feet 
 should be red vid human blood, and that the cries 
 
 B 
 
 « 
 
fii 
 
 11 
 
 JXifOvUAA 
 
 
 i 
 
 5m 
 
 hof the vidder and the horphans should be heard 
 Ihrougout the land? Oh, its a dreadful state of 
 socierty vere such things is, and there's a grate 
 responserbilerty on sumvun. In coorse, it haint 
 the juges. Your Hexcellent : they haint respon- 
 serbel for the polite real feelins of jures and the 
 corrupshuns they sees around em, but there is 
 them as is, and if the Hon. Villum Sykes vos 
 Governor they should be made to no it. 
 
 Arter the lawyers. Your Hexcellent, there's 
 peopel they calls noter es, vich distracts title- 
 deeds, and draws up protests, and ginerally con- 
 fuses reel property. Most on em lives on print- 
 ed papers, vich they fills up vid bad ritin, and vich 
 is halvays konsidered good till it goes hinto 
 Court, ven it haint konsidered (ginerally) no good 
 at hall. Three lawyers is hequal to vun bailif, 
 but it vants sixteen noteres to rount for a bailif, 
 the reason bein, as the Hon. Villum Sykes is 
 hinformed, hon haccount hof the bailifs keepin 
 chases, vich makes em wery proud and pertickler : 
 vereas noteres dont vant no heducashun nor fur- 
 nitur, vich latter, ginerally, is vun stool, vun pipe, 
 and a pictur. Ven they haint got nuffin to do, vich 
 is kimmonly, they sets dogs a fiten in the streets, 
 as halso drowns flys in the hinkstands. Sum 
 on em is werry grate polertishuns, a ready to dye 
 for their country ( vich is. Longale or Terbun ), 
 and a sendin chalenges to the British Constertu- 
 &hun, for vich, not payin the postage, they dont 
 set never no hansers. ^ 
 
 The 
 nufftti t(| 
 is ha\sc 
 
 ^.copeVl 
 
 Sykes I 
 
 doesvj 
 
 selves] 
 
 y 
 
 iToes 
 
 em til 
 hase 
 neve] 
 
 hyes 
 
 men 
 
 ViU 
 
 deri' 
 
 ed 
 
 fas 
 
 Ml 
 
 ha 
 
 is 
 
 a' 
 
 a 
 
 t 
 
 1 
 
29 
 
 pe heard 
 state of 
 * grate 
 '^ ^aint 
 respon- 
 ancf the 
 [there fs 
 flees vos 
 
 there's 
 title, 
 ^y con. 
 prinu 
 ^ v/ch 
 toto 
 ogood 
 haiUf, 
 bafJif, 
 kes fs 
 eepin 
 kler; 
 fur. 
 pipe, 
 yich 
 ets, 
 nm 
 'ye 
 
 u- 
 nt 
 
 ), 
 
 The Hon. Villum Sykes dont vant to have ^^ . 
 
 nuffin to do vid the docters, Your Hexcellent, \ic\\ ^J-O' ovirr^ 
 is halso hincreasin in numbers and himperinc e, a 
 killin arter new-fashuned vays, and a makin 
 j-eopel's hinsides werry unhappy. As Mussus 
 Sykes says, there haint no use for em, Vot she 
 does vid the babbies, ven they hover-heats em- 
 selves at dinner, is to shake em till the wittles 
 goes down ; and, if it vont go down, she sliakes 
 em till the wittles cums up, so that she halvays 
 has em rite vun vay or tother, and t here ji aint 
 never no ne ed for t he docter. 
 
 The try in to put hout vun hof Mussus Sykes'a 
 hyes by a docter, is a thing as bought to be 
 menshuned. Sacumstance vos as the Honerabel 
 Villum Sykes vos hout lookin arter a van- 
 derin juvernile hoffspring, vich vos diskiver- 
 ed halong vid a heditur, studyin bottomy and 
 frogs in a svarnp. Bein habsent, there is a 
 fashernabel man raps at the door, and axes hif 
 Musses Sykes vos vidin. " I is she," says my 
 hadorerbel conunberal partner, " Mussus Sykes 
 is my name." " Ah," cries he, a startin back 
 as tho he vos cotched vid the cholera, *' vot 
 a hunfi^rtunate vomman. Hallow me, Marm, 
 to have little konwersashun vid you habout your 
 hyes and your happiness." " Sartinly," says? 
 my Sarey, werry much taken aback, thinkin as 
 how perhaps mutton vos ris, or the pye vos prig, 
 ged from the bakeouse, " Cum bin and sut your- 
 self down, and hexplane the cos hof the rumpus." 
 
 c2 
 
30 
 
 Veil, down he sits, and begins a lookin her hara 
 in the face, and a-groanin as tho he vould bust. 
 •' Is it your stummuck is a-troublin hof you ?" 
 says Missus Sykes, who vundered vot he vos 
 arter, " Cos if it his, there haint nuffin like a 
 glas hof stiff brandy and vater." " Oh, no,'* 
 says he, " I am cum hon haccount hof your vel- 
 fare.'* "Veil,'' says Missus Sykes, "that's 
 werry kind hindeed, sposin there haint nuffin to 
 pay." " Yes marm," says he, " you is on the 
 werge of a precerpus,vich is habout to breek hover 
 your ed. — Is you avare as you is a losin hof your 
 preshus left hye ? " " Blind hof my bye," says 
 Missus Sykes, " vy no, I can't hcxakler say as I 
 vos ; but its never too late to be vise." " Yes," 
 says, he, " it's a fact, but thanks to my patent glas 
 hyes, varranted to read the smallest print better 
 than the reel vuns — proof agin squintin, and made 
 to border hof hany color, you haint goin to suf- 
 fer hat hall. Hallow me, marm, just to ax you 
 vether, hif you shuts the rite hye, you thinks 
 you can see bout of tuther." " Vy, yes," says 
 Missus Sykes, a-closin vun hof her peepers, " I 
 could halmost svear as I could." " Hextraw- 
 nery, hindeed," says he, " and vot does the de- 
 lushun make you thinks you pe reeve ? " " Vy^'* 
 says she, "I thinks I sees a werry suspishus 
 Yankey hill-lookin wagabond^ wlic vants to 
 humbug me bout hof a hye." " Oh," says he 
 a-turning werry pale, *' yours is a most singer- 
 lar delualiun : " *' And I thinks too," continers 
 
 ^ 
 
 Misj 
 sees 
 
 a 
 
 be 
 veil 
 
 fell 
 V\\ 
 sal 
 
31 
 
 hara 
 
 bust, 
 ^ou ?" 
 
 pe vos 
 
 like a 
 no,'' 
 
 \r vel. 
 
 (that's 
 
 in fo 
 
 the 
 
 lover 
 
 your 
 
 says 
 
 as I 
 
 es," 
 glas 
 etter 
 riade 
 suf- 
 you 
 nks 
 ays 
 "I 
 
 le. 
 
 > 
 
 JS 
 
 fo 
 e 
 
 « 
 
 Missus Sykes, as she goes to the vinder, " as I 
 sees Muster Sykes a-commun down the street vid 
 a werry thick stick in his and, and I'm sure he'll 
 be delited to ear vot a hinterest you takes in my 
 velfare." " Muster Sykes a-cumin !" cries the 
 fellar, " oh, I vouldn't meet him for the vorld, so 
 I'll bid you a werry good mornin." " Oh, no," 
 says Missus Sykes, a-closin the door, "you 
 vouldn't leaf me in this ere habrupt man ne r, a« 
 fore I has counted the s ponna. Sit y ourself 
 down and hunfold to a hunforternate vomman vot 
 
 5) 
 
 you can do^^r hei* \v j<^hiin." " Oh marm,'' says 
 he, a-tremblin like a leaf, " pray let me go : — 
 I'll call in and see Muster Sykes in the heven- 
 in." " Veil," says Missus Sykes, as vos hafeard 
 hoff his carcass, " dont forget to cum, and take 
 care hofF the perlisemun as you goes round the 
 corner, and ven you calls hon vun hoff the Sykes 
 agin, be sure that they carnt see farder hinto a 
 wdgabond himposter vid their blind hyes than 
 hever they could vid your patent blowed glas 
 vuns." So hoff he vent. Your Hexcellent, leavin 
 Missus Sykes vid her hyes, in a wery grate state 
 hof enjoyment. 
 
 As to p resent Ministry , Your Excellent, the 
 Hon. Villum haint a-goin to say nuffin habout 
 em. The leest said the better. Your Hexcel- 
 lent noes, in sum cases. Muster Draper is gine- 
 rally konsiderd to be a werry clever mari , honly 
 a letel too clever for vork . He's like the scool- 
 
 master as vos hingaged to tech the young Sykes 
 
 c3 
 
 Jy/ia^or- 
 
32 
 
 Ca/L/<n^ 
 
 tliere grammer. They got lion worry veil vid 
 the ould plan, a-holdin hup their eds and a vipin 
 there noses ven they vanted, aceordin as is decent 
 and proper ; but ven he cummed, he vanted to 
 halter the sistem, a-bringin in new manners, and 
 a tryin to make em take hoff there ats to the par- 
 son, vich led to a fite and rebellun. It vos jist 
 the same vid Muster Draper. He varnt content 
 vid his ould frends, but vent a hintrigin vid vun 
 Muster Caron, vich hattempted to sell him a bow- 
 wow, and werry nerely blowd hup his powder. 
 Fact is, Your Hexcellent, Muster Drager^sjop 
 vise to be^wartuous . A Minister as plays on the 
 pihanner, and stans humpire at cricket, and 
 drinks brandy and vater, and is a buster hat bil- 
 liards, and is sveet to the vimmin, and as smiles 
 hon his hopponcnts, and haint never hill-temper- 
 ed hat hall, vont do to be trusted . It haint natur. 
 Your Hexcellent, it haint natur. Sich a man 
 mite do to be put on a table for cupid, or shoed in 
 a fare for a prodergy, but has for konductin a 
 Ministry, its like boilin hof heggs hon a gridhiron. 
 As for collegues. Your Hexcellent, the Hon. Vil- 
 luni konsiders as secresy had best be hobserved. 
 Polcrticks is sich, as little m en goes to the top, 
 and merit dont get its revard ; vich hexplains vy 
 it is Muster Smith is made Torney General,^ and 
 the Hon. Villum is happointed not to no hoffice 
 hat hall. 
 
 But, Your Hexcellent, the Hon. Villum Sykes 
 haiirt a going to blow hup the Colony haltogether, 
 
 k 
 
n 
 
 lO 
 
 33 
 
 vich haint a bad count rcy, and vich lias got sum- 
 decent peepel vidin it. Vot lie says, Vaur 
 Hexcellcnt, is as they dont make the best liof't' T 
 stuff, but lets emselvcs be umbugged by wag- 
 gerbonds, vile they sits a grumblin at home. And 
 then they venders as things dont go veil, vich aint 
 no vender at hall ; and all tlie vile there's fine- 
 harted creaturs among cm, and vinimen as mite 
 melt in vuns harms, ven you vos a squezin on em, 
 like a piece hof hice in a bucket. And hall the 
 lawyers haint bad nether, nor hall the notares, 
 honly t he sistcms worry rotten , vich makes it a 
 vonder as things haint no worse than they is. 
 Vot they vants, Your Hcxcellent, is sound public k 
 hoplnion. That ere vould keep juges from 
 rangling on the benches, and jures from sidin 
 vid prisners, and vould hold hup the law, and 
 vould keep ro gues out of Parlermint , and vould 
 make things vork farer and better. If there vos 
 more publick hopinion, Your Hoxcellent, ve 
 shouldn't have sich rowing and fitin, and men 
 vould have conferdence, and look arter their hown 
 haffairs, and leave polerticks to look more arter 
 themselves. And this vill cum too. Your Hex- 
 cellent. Colernisls haint l ike mud-turtles, vich is 
 dun ven you has vunc e^ turned em on the ir 
 backfe ^ but theyse got henergy, and kimmon sense 
 to, vich vill bring em on their pins in the hend. 
 And that's vot the Hon. Villum Sykes vants to 
 see : for this here is a British Colerny, Your Hcx- 
 cellent, and vos vinned vid British blood (a vop- 
 
34 
 
 pin the French hat Quebec), and as been reared 
 Imp vid British gold, and it vould be a burning 
 ehamo if it vosn't British in sperit. And there 
 haint nuffin to keep it back, Your Hexcellent, if 
 iJie peepel vould honly live quiet together, and 
 not go on rowin and fitiij. As Missus Sykes 
 says, — vot do they vant ? Haint they been left to 
 manage emselves, and haint they got the gump- 
 shun to do it ? It haint the'r civil liberty as is 
 restricted, hexcept by emselves, and as for re- 
 ligeshus liberty, the Lord noes there's plenty hof 
 that. Fact is, there never vos sich a jolly good 
 old mother as Hingland has been to the Colerny, 
 and if the Hon. Villum Sykes' maternal parent 
 had honly a-suckelled him the same vay, he'd 
 been a wale or a helephant afore now. 
 The makin hof a rale-rood to Portlin , Your 
 /C4X^c^j^^>^f^ Hexcellent, is vun thing as looks veil. These 
 . ere Colernists as ben a livin too long by em- 
 
 ^ ^) selves, and vants to see the vorld, vich is a littel 
 
 U/V7 H^ J ^*^o8^^* ^^^" Canerdey, and haint quite like goin 
 from Montreeal to Chambeley. It's a werry 
 singlur fact, but peopel at the bother hend hof 
 the globe vouldn't no who vos the honerabel 
 member for Terbun ; sich is there surprisin hig- 
 nerance ! The Hon. Villum Sykes konsiders, 
 however, as these ere hobsterkels is to be got 
 hover ; arter vich, there is the see bathin, vich 
 is werry much vanted at present. Buildin a 
 brige hover the river, (or hunder, not bein yet 
 decided,) is also konsidered by him a werry grate 
 
 <* 
 
 ♦ 
 
35 
 
 le 
 
 If 
 
 1 
 
 ^it 
 
 ♦ 
 
 / 
 
 card for the Colcrnists, as likcvisc werrv' rru.rti- 
 fyiri for tlie hice, vich is a-f^oin to be huinbuj^jred 
 lialtogether. In respect to the Portlhi rale-rood, 
 Mrs. Sykes konsiders as it is a-goin to he werry 
 hard hupon sope, hon haccount liof the number 
 hof dirty little babbies vich is goin down to be 
 vashed hevery year. Ven she heard, Your IIcx- 
 cellent, as the projec vos carried, she left holl* 
 a heating salt herrins, konsiderin as how it vant 
 rite to patronise salt ven you vos a goin to get 
 hevery thing fresh by the rale. And that's the 
 spirit hof the Sykoses, Your Ilexcellent, a villin 
 to sacrerfico hinterest and cuinfort ven rale-roods 
 and the country requires. 
 
 But Your Hexcellent is goin home, and vont 
 be bothered no more hahout Canerdey hevils, vich 
 is a descendin a top hof I ^rd El i in, as is jist pA ' 
 cummed home from Jamacey. The Hon. Vil- ^'My^'^"^"^ 
 lum Sykes haint the pleasure of noing his new 
 Hexcellent, vich haint in no vay connected vid 
 the Sykoses ; but bein a young man, the Hon. 
 Villum konsiders as he may surwive the fury of 
 parties, vich is halvays a lookin hout for new 
 Gov'nors, and perhaps, arter a vile, get things a 
 lettel in border. Vot he vants, to succeed, is to 
 be worry honest, and let the peepel no as he is so. 
 If he's a-goin to hintrigue, the Hon. Villum Sykes 
 vouldn't giv a farden for his counters. He'll 
 find them here, as is as clever as hisself at that 
 dodge, and in the hend he'll be throwed in the 
 gutter. But by hactin huprite and honest, and 
 
/ 
 
 I ■ 
 
 30 
 
 not yieldin his hown rites, nor lunterferin vid 
 them hof tlie peepd, there haint no reason, as the 
 Hon. Villum Sykes sees, vy he haint goin to get 
 on, and keep his health and his holTice. If the 
 Hon. Villum Sykes vos his Kouncillor he'd ad- 
 wise him not to make no secret negociashuns vid 
 no vun, hut if he has hany hoffer to make, to make 
 it Ijoutrite. Its hen a-follcrin a contrary vay, 
 a.s has hinjured Your Hexcellent, and mado 
 pcepcl so worry suspishus. But ven the publick 
 noes as a Gov 'nor is honest, and sees him a-hactin 
 strait-forvard, they halvays supports him, even 
 ven they liaint hoxacly in love vid his polercy. 
 So it is. Your Hexcellent, as vots honest is best, 
 lie re and hall the vorld hover. 
 
 As to partees, Your Hexcellent, the Hon. Vil- 
 lum Sykes is hof hopinion as the whole hof em 
 is pretty nearly hused hup, and that there varnts 
 to bo a new hinfushun of blood and a new mixin 
 hof things hafore they'll vork as they bought : 
 and there haint a better time for this, Your Hex- 
 cellent, than ven a new Gov'nor's cummin hout, 
 vich has nuffin to do vid ould stews, and 
 who vishes to hact as he bought. As to tryin 
 hof ould partees, it's only a losin hof time : they'se 
 been tried and tried, till hevery vun's sick hof 
 the vork- Its's honly a-goin from vurser to v us, 
 and then from vus back to vurser agin. But things 
 is now pretty veil cummed to a stop. Nether 
 on em carnt carry on the Government by hitsell, 
 and the countrey is a-goin to mischief. Vots to 
 
 1 
 
 » V 
 
 % 
 
 i 
 
37 
 
 1 
 1 
 
 * 
 
 
 % 
 
 be dun then, Your Ilexcellent ? Von making up 
 ministry on old ground is showed not to vork, the 
 honly tiling left is to see vot new ground vill do. 
 Vcn thn flon. Villum Sykcs looks around, he sees 
 as vondi rf'ul changes is made, Ilingland a takiu 
 avay hall protecshun, and Canerdey left like a 
 hinfant vidout legs to its feet. Consequence is 
 as peepel is gettin halarmcd, and dont no vot to 
 be after, vile the Ministry is a sniokin cegar^, 
 and a loungeing avay in the countrey. Now thia 
 here is a question of wittles, Your Ilexcellent, 
 vich has got to be settled at vunce. Trade or no 
 trade is vot we has got to decide, and mea- 
 aures must be taken haccording. And haint i 
 this a more rational a uestion for partees than / 
 ^sponsible Government, vich is honly a spfittin 
 hot' straws * In the vun case, there's summit as 
 hevery vun sees, vich is lots of good flour and 
 pork ; vilst in tuther, there's nuffui but ritin, and 
 fitin, and gettin nocked on the ed. 
 
 Vot the Hon. Villum Sykes thinks, then. Your 
 H excellent, is as Lord Eljin's got a werry good 
 chance to succeelFJ and tHaT there's a vide field 
 for his talents, vidout stirring hup the ould 
 squabbles hof parties. And the Hon. Villum 
 opes as he vill succeed, and that them as calls 
 emselves friends hof the country vont stand in 
 his vay ven he tries. For it is quite lime there 
 vos a hend to disp^jtes, and that hinsted hof 
 tumin hevery thing hinto perlitercal capital, the 
 hacts hof the Government vos directed to prac- 
 
 1 
 
3S 
 
 
 f/f 
 
 hi 
 
 terkal hends, to further the peace of the country. 
 And if His Hexcellent does succeed, the Hon. 
 Villum Sykes vill rite a book to his memmery, 
 
 J vile the grateful peepel will get him carved hinto 
 posterity on apiese of the marbel vich his hances- 
 
 ter stoled from the Greeks, '"w . t 
 
 TjoiTnow, Your Hexcellent, the Hon. Villum 
 Sykes vill say " Good bye," — vich is a sad vord 
 vid both ould and young, but perticklarly sad vid 
 the latter. God bless. Your Hexcellent, vich is 
 a fine-harted ould sodger, as noes his dooty and 
 does it, and haint a disgrace to his country. If 
 you haint bin as cumfortable in Canerdy as you 
 
 ^ mite be, it vos becos things vos hactin agin you, 
 and not from no fault hof your hown. And it'll 
 be a konserlashun to no as you dont leaf no hen- 
 
 . mys behind, and that if they dont make you a 
 
 f God, they vont fite hover^your memmery. , ...j 
 
 Vid grate respect, -^ ' ' ; ^ ^ 
 
 lis, ' •'■^-■-^'^^^^^^^^■^ 
 
 * ' ■ Your Hexcellent's frend, ,, 
 
 iiJil 
 
 
 ^m .«? 
 
 ■ Ti 
 
 HON. VILLUM SYKES, 
 
 {LaU Hinspeetor hof Cabs and Lisetuet.) 
 
 ; MONTREEAL, JoLLY BUCHERS In, 
 
 i- Hoctober Five, 1846. 
 
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