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 .M< >x"rK' i: A I,. 
 
P5 ^'iSQ 
 
 6964') 
 
 
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696'4'> 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 
MURPHY'vS is certainly the bust place in the city of 
 Montreal, if not in the world, to buy Dry Goods. 
 
 I'. C. I'MBKRSOX, M.A. 
 
 Reference : — The Dean who gets his vSernions and all 
 his other Dry Goods at Murphy's, corner St. Catherine and 
 Metcalfe vStreets, Montreal, and 66-68 Sparks St., Ottawa. 
 
 
city of 
 
 , M.A. 
 
 and all 
 ine and 
 awa. 
 
 Buy " The Yarn of the Love-Sick Jap," 
 Photo-Gravures by Dksijakats ^S: Cik 
 
At all elections, vote for the more honest of the candi- 
 dates offering themselves. 
 
 F. C. K. 
 
 \,> 
 
 1^.' 
 
 S 
 
< 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 
 Get your Photo-Gravure done at Dksjjakats', the 
 best place on this continent. 
 
 F. C. K. 
 
 I 
 
OLIVlv ANGELO, 
 
 AT THK yiHKN'S TIII-:ATR1'; 
 
 ^ 
 

 THE YARN OF THE L0VE=5ICK JAP. 
 
 ^ 
 
 ) pan;e 
 
 «=^ C E- 
 
 The cover (only really good part of the book 
 
 minus one 
 
 Blank pages (N.B.-Very few misprints on these pages. 
 
 The rest of the book is «// misprints). 
 Dramatis Persomt 
 
 " Lots of Pretty Girls "—one on 'em . 
 
 Chap, • . 
 
 The Korc'sl Mess 
 
 The Yarn 
 
 Here the tail begins : 
 The Par.see Falleth in Love 
 Lost, Stolen or Strayed 
 In the Swim . , 
 The Whisper of the Sea Shell 
 The Song of the Four-Cross Flag 
 VIIL The Yarn of the Mad Parson of Mauienhead . '. 
 
 IX. How to be a Kro and a Hartist 
 
 X. The Parsee Sickens 
 
 I'ACiK 
 
 L 
 II. 
 
 III. 
 IV. 
 V. 
 VI. 
 
 \-II 
 
 9 
 
 ID 
 
 1 1 
 '4 
 
 21 
 
 25 
 28 
 
 30 
 
 3« 
 41 
 45 
 49 
 
I 
 
 6 
 
 ClIAl'. 
 
 XI. vSome Happy Deaths ^ ^T^ 
 
 Xri. The Symposium of the Forc'sl Mess on the 
 
 Immortality of the Sole (nnd a pretty mess 
 
 they made of it) 
 
 XIII. Japanee Proofs of the Immortality of the Sole , 6^ 
 
 XIV. The Parsee Dies .- . 
 
 X\\ The Skeleton Ship 
 
 X\'I. Heaven I' 
 
 X\'II. What the Jap and Lazarus told of their expe- 
 riences when dead (8 blank pages) .... s- 
 Here the tail ends. 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 
 That is, A tail of a Tail. 
 
 That is, (Algebraically) (A tail)', A tail squared. 
 
 That IS, (Commercially) a Tail re-tailed. 
 
 ClMI>. 
 
 o Klements of Happine.ss 
 
 XVII', HowtobeHappv 
 
 XVIII. Sleep ... ' " 
 
 XIX. Bathe '°' 
 
 AX. /ummut to Dnnk ^^^ 
 
 XXI. Read the Best Books ,^0 
 
 XXII. Good Grub ' ' ri 
 
 XXIII. The Parsee' s I.:xper;ences when Deau i ig 
 
 XXIV. Why this Book is Coarse . . 120 
 
 ADZE. 
 
 Thk Crka.m of the Book. 
 (To the author.) 
 W. Eo.ster Brown; J. R. Clogg: X'ipond. McBride .^ Co. ; 
 
 Tas. Hamilton; Kerry, Watson .S: Co i2-> 
 
 The Preface . 
 
 125 
 
 Fix IS. 
 
 : 
 
 i 
 
■! 
 
 (I 
 
 I'RISCII.I.A I.AKOnriN and HI, OKA I.AKKIN. 
 
 Specimen of Photo-Gravure 
 
 <half-tone kngravtng 
 Engraved and Printed by 
 
 Desbarats &. Co. 
 
 No. 73 St. James St., Montreal. 
 
I 
 
 \ 
 
 * 
 
 Tl.e Six Best Novc-Is i„ the worl.i now are 
 all Booksellers. Bnv it. 
 
 ' Jol)." ■■ Don (Jui.\ote," " C',il 
 Knibersoii's Yarn of the 
 W. Urv.sd.alk ouly, and 
 
 
% 
 
 PLATFORM PROPOSED 
 
 Ki'R THK 
 
 Patrons of Industry, Knights of Labor. Trades 
 
 and Labor Council, Associated Order of 
 
 United Workmen, Canadian National 
 
 League and other Workmen, 
 
 BY THE 
 
 Author of "The Yarn of the Little Parsee." 
 
 1. 1 o make '• honesty " the test, regardless of party, at the next 
 election, h^ all cases, that is, to vote for the most 
 honest, or least dishonest candidate that offers himself 
 
 1-'. " Out of debt, out of danger." Our first dutv is, of course, to 
 free our country and city from debt. To run into debt 
 IS to snatch the bread from our own children's mouths 
 before the very Avheat is grown. To pay our debts, wc 
 must gradually raise or lower the taxes on luxuries till 
 we have found the rate at which they yield a maximum 
 revenue income. Expenses will Axil to the lowest point 
 directly we have a parliament of honest men. Be it re- 
 membered that it is public and municipal debts that keep 
 the neck of the workingman under the heel of the usurer. 
 AVithout such debts interest would drop to 2 or 3 %. 
 
 :'.. Xo taxes on books, (that is, on light and learning) on agricul- 
 tural implements or workmen's to(;ls. 
 
 ■J. Xo excise on tobacco. Places to be licensed for its .sale, that 
 we may raise our own tobacco ■ the most profitable'crop 
 there is in the world. 
 
 :.. No Copyright. Fancy our Saviour copyrighting the Sermon 
 on the Mount. And is He not our Great Example ? 
 
i 
 
 10. 
 
 11. 
 
 12. 
 
 13. 
 
 lO 
 
 No Patent Laws. Their cliicf effect is to help lawyers to 
 fatten on patentees. 
 
 All street car rails to be of nniform width, and so made that 
 they can be used, throughout the country, by all wheels 
 at the right distance apar^ 
 
 A Tenants' Rights Association to secure fiiir judicial rents. 
 \Vhy should Canada be worse ruled than Ireland? 
 
 Any one guaranteeing t(j occupy it, to be ahle U) expropri.ue 
 any half-acre of land not less than 100 );M-ds from a 
 dwelling-house. The price to be fixed by arbitration. 
 Allowance to be made for annoyance, i.\:c., to original 
 owner. " What clause in Adam's will, left the earth to 
 one man," or to a mere handful of men ? 
 
 Prohibition of the manuHicture, sale, importation ana 
 habitual consumption of all drinks containing nnjre than 
 1 ^ of alcohol. 
 
 All Schools to be bi-lingual ; English to be spoken in the 
 morning, French (or German) in the afternoon. 
 
 Cases of boodling by any member of the Government or 
 Council to be tried by the Courts and punished by the 
 penitentiary, and in gross cases by life imprisoimient. 
 There is no greater crime. 
 
 The penally for all forms of gambling, lottery-mongermg, 
 betting on races, (Ike, to be imprisonment without option 
 of fine. 
 
 Presidents of the Societies named above are earnestly invited 
 to open these propositions to discussion and vote, and forward 
 the results of the voting to F. C. E.MiiKRSoN, M.A. Author of 
 '•The Yarn of the Little Parsee," &c., ll/'if/n-ss Oftiie, Montreal. 
 And all seeing this Platform are urged to put a " yes "" or '• no " 
 to each proposition on this i)aper and forward to the same 
 address. 
 
•FLORA" 
 
 Tin.- iKioiiif cif l-Miihurson's next new novel "'I'lu- Jm])-. Wedding 'ruiir." a x-iiuf! 
 to " TliL' Yarn of the I.ove-sick Jai)." 
 
Buy "The Yarn of the Love-Sick Jap." 
 
 "Tile most uproai-ious fun I ever read." 
 
 I.IXOTVI'K. 
 
 For sale (price 50 ct.s. ) by W.M. Dkvsdau- only, and 
 all Jiooksellers. 
 
 I 
 
An Apology. 
 
 f 
 
 Socrates wrote an apology for an almost spotless life. 
 Moliere's hero apologized, when dyi jg, of various injuries 
 incurred in trying to render a number of people a multitude 
 of services, apologized "to those whom he had unin- 
 tentionally offended." And a Mr. Watson once wrote 
 " An Apology for the Bible." 
 
 Oh ' good I.aud : 
 
 An Apology for the Bible ! 
 
 What won't people apologize for next ? 
 
 Perhaps they were practising for what we may well 
 devote the first fortnight or so to, after we find our.selves in 
 heaven. I mean to going around and apologizing to one 
 another, each to each, for needless vexation given in life 
 and for a lot of ridiculous misunderstandings. 
 
 In emulation of all this apologizing modesty, I^rrr. 
 YoKR— the Pansee in question— begs to apologize for the 
 difficulties he had in editing this incomparable work. 
 
 It was originally written anyhow, with pencil-ends, 
 rope ends dipped in tar and variously coloured paints, 
 burnt ends of sticks, sticks with burnt ends, red hot irons, 
 etc., etc., on bits of tarpaulin, discarded shirt-tails, salt 
 junk and chunx of Wood, etc., etc., and originally filled i6 
 full-sized sailors' sea chests. 
 
 Almost the whole of it was devoted to utterly irrelevant, 
 and most irreverent remarks about "Mi.ss Pri.scilla Laroquin 
 or Larkin, my wife's maid," such as : 
 
 " O my ! Aint .she a good lusty chujic of a heifer?" 
 
 " Aint her i's black?" 
 
 " Trim and taut from stem to .stern." 
 
 » 
 
'4 
 
 " Aiii a rotten timber in her?" 
 
 " Aint slie a heanty ?" 
 
 " Ivong, lissom and lively as I loves em," etc etc 
 interspersed, qtnte promiscuons-like. were remarks "a la 
 Captain Cuttle, such as : 
 
 ;' Buy your Howers of \\'m. T.avidson. norist to the 
 J 'ominion Government. ' ' 
 
 " The Be.st (iuide to Montreal is Murray',^ " 
 chest "^ ""'''' ''"^' '''''''''"^ I^ominica Lime Juice in your 
 
 From such extraordinary dust-heaps and collections of 
 rubbish have I picked out the pearls which compo.se this 
 incomparable volume. 
 
 Never has anything like it ever been published or 
 written :n the history of the world. And it mav sincerely 
 be trusted nothin- like it will ever be written again 
 
 If anybody wants to buy ,6 old emptv .sea chests in 
 perfect preservation, let him or her, he or she, applv' to 
 Htel u'' .I'-l- Pansee. or to Mrs. Vokr, Turkish Bath 
 Hotel, Monique vStreet, Montreal. 
 
 X.l'.. — Xo Irish need npi)ly. 
 
DRAMATIS PERSON>e 
 
 .St I tt.TIIS spilkr of till,-,. lUTHnlls in „nr Sn,„, 
 
 -MiiakH, -(uiiiiii liiifi: 
 
 nil 
 III, 
 
 -^ ///<' / (ffsrr. 
 
 liistiKctor. 
 
 Mk. I'. C. IvMkKkSox Reporter for ilu " //V/z/rvv" 
 
 Mr. a. Kackv . . . /,/, , • . 
 
 i-ituruia)t. 
 
 Jl.M, (Xickiianiccl ' Perkins, ' ' Sccjtchic.' " 'J'hc Gcjlfcr,' etc., 
 father's ii.unc unknown i Iniiorcr 
 
 Tu^iIM..\l.NSAIl,Ix.;rsircnan,c(lnhio,is,6-../...V7/Wv;v'A./.. 
 
 Or.lVF, .Ax.iKLo The Young Womau zo/io was at the 
 
 bottom of it all. 
 
 Chambers. Alarums. Alarms. lixcursious. Sailors. 
 
 Attcudauts. Young Men { mostly fools) 
 
 '^^fW Olid 
 
 JV.B. 
 
 i^ 
 
 I 
 
 2 
 
\ 
 
 
 
 
THE 
 
 YARN OF THE LITTLE PARSEE. 
 
 CIIAPTICR I. 
 
 Till'. F()R( 'si. MKSS. 
 ■■ 'I'lic KiiiL; liiinsflf lin^ fdllowed licr, 
 
 iioUs)nith. 
 
 \\ hat (}oI(lcii I)a}'s, ill (^.od's oootl rrovidcncc, sometimes 
 come in ;i man's lifetime. On one such Day of Gold. I was 
 takin.i; a jaunt from Montreal to Quebec with the (presump- 
 tively) future Kino- of I^nojand. He was, then, plain Captain 
 Geor-e. He went on ahead in the "Thrush." I, as a i^uest, 
 followed, of course, in the lar^t^er and better-a[ipointC(rship! 
 the "Canada." I asked a friendly marine I found in the 
 cockpit wliere I'd find the most intelli_L,rcnt company to mess 
 with, lie advised me to nose m\- wa\' throu-h the mess 
 deck to the pett\- otlicers' mess in tlie forcs'l. 
 
 "Vou'U^ find yourself better off, sir,"' says he, " than with 
 that set o' crowin' sliirks, the officers." 
 
 And he was ris^ht. 
 
 A finer body of men I have seldom rubbed u[) a^aiust. 
 
 Perhaps I must except a committee of tlie leading- gar- 
 deners of Montreal, whom I once found in senatorial concTave 
 111 a room in the Fra.ser Huiidin-, into which I had carelessly 
 rushed, being sure it was empt>-. 
 
riardciicrs' work dcmaiuls hraiiis aiul i^ciUlciicss. and those 
 two combiiu'd make, in truth, "a human face di\iiic," 
 
 I soon shpiicd thro' tin: cockpit and ihc mess deck and 
 found m)'sclf at one of tiic six meals a chiy wliich sea air and 
 work, constantl}' demanding; the \er\' hist inch of muscle they 
 ])ossess, enable ller Majest\''s jack Tars to enjo}' and ih;^est. 
 When we were sufluientl}' settk'd ik)\\ii to business to bcLiin 
 to talk : 
 
 " \'on'\e a hard life of it?" saitl I. 
 
 And the _L;ruinl)lei' of the mess, nicknamed I'lain Sailing, 
 fhis father's name beiuLT unknown; !;rnm!>led mt, 
 
 Let 
 
 N'ou ma)' well sa)' iiard life of it, sir! 
 Well, I'lainw" said Hill, ihe ("aptai 
 
 n of the 
 
 s ope as them as as tlien' downs in tins hie, wi 
 
 jre-top 
 
 avc 
 
 their hups in the next, 
 
 "I've had my down-- in this life," says lMain\', " and if I 
 don't ^el my up^ in the r.ext, 1 don't i:all that plain sailing, 
 that's all." 
 
 •Well," said Hill, "if I // 
 
 avc to be a hanimal m the nex 
 
 t life. 
 
 I 'ope that 'ere hanimal will be a fox 'ound ! " 
 
 "Ah," sa\s Mr. l)r\-sdale, the instructor of the " Ho\-s," 
 (said b())-s beinj4 !.;roun men avera_<,nn;_; 6 feet 3 inches hij^hj 
 " I see you believe in the transfium'ation of spirits." 
 
 And I, to keep the con\ersation politel\- in the same semi- 
 religious tone, broke in w itii 
 
 " .And what Icind of man is \our Xa\'y Chaplain ?" 
 
 And () ! the smile of hc^l}' jo\- that lit up those sunburnt 
 faces, at the bare mention of the inline of that holy man ! 
 
 "Our Nav\- ("haplain!" said I'lainy, with irrepressible 
 disgust. "C'louin'! Comical I Old rooster! Stuck in bv 
 lis uncle, the J?ishop, 'cos he's fit for nothin' else. Regular 
 fraud ! Two pra\-crs a day and scvcn-pun-tcn a week. Xav)' 
 Chaplain l)e blowd. " 
 
 "I don't know, Tom," said he of the h'ore-top, " many a man 
 has found a thundering g:)od deal in religion, on a lee shore 
 on a dark niglit." 
 
 And as for prayers," said Mr. Race}', tlie IClectrician, called 
 
 Liijhts " and "Liver," be 
 
 coz wnere 
 
 tl 
 
 icre 
 
 arc 1 milts 
 
 there's alwa)'s a liver. " The answer to pra\-er is automatic, 
 
13 
 
 ill an\- liitf. I )iri:Lil)- ;i man |)ia}-s, lie is a liapijicr. caliiuT 
 better aiul less luiiii^iA' man." 
 
 " Religion," said Tf)!!!. " I've iiothin" a^in rclij^ioii. It's 
 \-()Ui- rcliL^ioiis I ohjcc' to. Tlicrc's your two Christian reli- 
 gions. I kno' tlicin. I've been l)otli on 'eni. And there's 
 x^ixw iliiuioo reh'^ion. I kno' //. I've l)eeii //. .Xiid the 
 1 Ijniloo ieh",i4ion is a hlooinin' sij^ht better than both of 
 put together." 
 
 .\ii(l Kace\', tk. h'.Iectrieian, said: — "I xoti- that the 
 Instructor spins his \-arn about the Little I'arsee." 
 
 Anil the Instructor, like a j^entleni.m as he was, made no 
 excuses or self-advertising- refusals, but pushed his plate 
 regretfull)- back on the table, i)uts his (juid into his left cheek 
 and be^^^an 
 
 "Tin: \'.\K\ of iiiK I.n 11 K l'.\i<si:i:." 
 
 em 
 
14 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 'I'MK ^AkN 
 
 " The difference see, 
 Twixt 'I'weeillediim and Tweedledee," 
 
 -—Hiuiibras (/). 
 
 f 
 
 "Itwas <,n the " J^illy-Ruffian." in the vear V"4-" said 
 Mr. JJrysdale. the Instructor. 
 
 " \\'e shipped a Par.see just as we was a-sailin' from Calcutta 
 to \ ancouvei", with a wiiul on the quarter beam. We were 
 told to crct the first lieutenant's cabin readv for h-'m all 
 alone to h.sself I-or it seems he was a bloomin' fine swell 
 and o.vned all Ilindostan, 'cept Cashmere and Oude' 
 uian:onds and all. 
 
 " And blessed if he did not have all hands mustered on the 
 quarter deck, walked down the lines with the cai)tain hisself, 
 and chose me as his wally ! 
 
 "And a bloomin' good' time I had. Such a comical little 
 cuss 3-ou never saw in all your life. He was a re-ular little 
 divil. God bless him." 
 
 And the Instructor quietly raised his sailor's cap from his 
 head, and havmg reverently replaced it. went on with his 
 most mterestint^ stor\'. 
 
 " First of all". I tell yer. he told the captain he wanted an 
 open fireplace in his c:, n. And Jic captain, tho' we know 
 his orders was to let the bloke sail free, uds and tells him ' U 
 was .stricth- and teetotalb 
 
 rules and rei;oolations of the service.' 
 " And blowd if he didn't i.;:et next d 
 writing of the little copper-colored 
 
 ;ly altogether agin the 
 
 ay a note in the hand- 
 cuss, and signed by the 
 
15 
 
 Wiceroy hissclf, and backed by the Secretary of State, 'That 
 the rules of the service had to "ive way to the laws of the 
 worship of the One and Visible God.' 
 
 "And my master came in one day and caught me poking 
 the fire, and he larfed fit to split, and then he went and 
 insisted on a court martial and complained, solemn as could 
 be, to the captain, who was in the chair, ' That he had caught 
 me poking his god,' and I got orders thro' the captain's 
 wally. never to poke the fire agin, but to let him poke it 
 hissclf, and be blowed to liim, 
 
 " Well, the captain soon got up a big spread for him. And 
 the captain saws : 
 
 " ' Will you 'have a little beef ? ' 
 
 And the ^ loomin' little cuss said, as dignified as could be, 
 Xo, thank you, we don't cat cow ! ' 
 
 " And the captain offered him 'am, and he sez, 
 
 '"No, thank vf ' ' 
 
 )U, we don t eat pig 
 " And then he was afraid that the grease in the apple pie 
 might be cow fat or pig fat. And when the captain offered 
 him a Lilass of wine, h 
 
 e said 
 
 We haven't yet settletl whether the prophet in Misrah of 
 
 the Koran .saith, " Thou shalt )tot drinl 
 
 k wme. 
 
 or th 
 
 ou A 
 
 •halt 
 
 drink wine." Till we have finally settled that I prefer watei. 
 " And then the bloomin little cuss dined off a glass of cold 
 water and licked tlie bottom of his plate. Me did, '[ 
 soul, he did. And, if j-ou'll believe me, he didn't 1 
 
 item of the whole bloomin' rot the whole time. A.. 
 
 it, for he took to me like a father, and many a good meal 
 had in his little cabin, with the door locked', off 
 beefsteak, fresh pork chops, cabin jjlum A\\{'i, and 
 
 K)n my 
 relieve one 
 And 1 know 
 
 we 
 
 captain s 
 I 
 
 n 
 
 so on. 
 
 to a^ain. 
 
 ever had such prog before, and I never expect t 
 1 (e took it out as rations for me, to be cliarged to the ship. 
 
 " And the little cuss turns round slowly to me after he had 
 done Hckin' his plate, with such a look in his e\-cs that I 
 
 onger, but I shouted ' Man overboard. 
 
 couldn't stand it no 1 
 
 and rushed out and sciuattcd down between the middies' .sea- 
 che.sts in the waist, and larfed it all out b}- m)self, while the 
 ship's company were turned out to look' for the man they 
 thort I had seen, or fancied 1 saw, fallinci overboard. 
 
G 
 
 " ICvcry inoniin*^ and cvcniiifj, at sunrise and sunset, all 
 weathers, he'd spread his little bit o' carpet on the c|iiarter 
 deck, officers' side, not captain's side, tho' he had a ri^dit to 
 ^o there, so 'unihle-like was he, and he'd ^o down on his 
 knees and watch the ever-chan<4ini^ sun. Antl once, when I 
 had to '^i) h\\ I happened to look at him, I say ' once,' for of 
 course I never looked a_<;in, and his little copper-colored face 
 had a lit^ht, Tom, in its exx's that I never seen in yourn, 
 Baptis' tho' you be." 
 
 And here the Instructor's e\'e moistened, and his voice was 
 a little unsteady for an instant or two. And then he went on. 
 
 " Dry," sez he, one da}', for his rule was, he said to me, to 
 " Trust all in all or not at all." 
 
 " I^r}'," sez he, " they think I'm s^oini; to lui^land to see if 
 we can make the value of tlie rupee stop changinej in respect 
 to the value of gold. Just," sez he, and he larfs, " as if \-ou 
 could make the runniuLj i^ear keep fi.xed in relation to the 
 masts and sta\'s, or keep the price of a local and unsteady 
 cro[), like pertaties, keep in a fixed relation to the price of 
 wheat. What I am reall)- Ljoini; for was to find out if I 
 could do an}thin!4" for you Tars. I^\)r }-ou are a fine lot and 
 I loves you. h'or this and for another object which I won't 
 name even to }'ou." 
 
 " Well, what r>r// I do for you fellers ? " 
 
 And sez I, " I've thort that matter over a lont,^ time myself, 
 in case I ever t;()t made Lord o' the Admiralty for havin" 
 forj^^otten all my seamansliip. These are the first thini^s I 
 i^rizzle over most — 
 
 " I'^'rstly, our cap is too evv\'. It gives us edackes if we 
 wear it long. And it blows off the 'ed when we are aloft in 
 a gale, and then there's half-a-crown taken off a "ard work- 
 ing feller's wages to get another. 
 
 " And secondl)', the officers don't look after the contractors. 
 Their steward looks after them, for their own table, fast enough. 
 Hut we gets the wust er meat at the highest o' prices. And then 
 we get too much beef, and n<jt enough mutton, and no lamb, 
 weal or pork and unj'uns. They has it for theirselves. ire(/ 
 like a change as well as they. Wariety is charmin'. 
 
17 
 
 And tliirdlv and lastlw the cook si 
 
 louUl 
 
 ])ass 111 cookinan- 
 
 sliip just as wc ha\e to pass in seanianshi[). The witclcs may 
 come from even, but the nav\' cooks tlie\- come from the 
 
 vei \' deaf eel 'imself. The\- ain't fit to cooi< b 
 
 oihn water. 
 
 " And he took it all into that darned little copper-colored 
 'ed of 'is, and I 'ope soniethin' will come of it some daw" 
 
 " \'es," ^L,n-o\vlcd Plainsailint:^, " soniethin' will come of it, 
 just before the clock" strikes no o'clock for the d:\\- er judj;- 
 nient. The Admiralty aiiTt pkain-sailin-^-. In ////.v uorld, 
 
 w 
 
 hat 
 
 IS 
 
 And I tell \'()U what, 
 
 acuicc 
 
 1 I' 
 
 amie. 
 
 The fust thint 
 
 the officers should 
 
 0(1 
 
 wen the\- wakes up in the mornin 
 
 that is, if they pretends to be Chiist 
 
 lans and as the hiinper- 
 
 dcnce to 540 to cliurcii, is to think- what tlie\- can do to better 
 the lot of us poor sailors. " 
 
 .\nd the first thii 
 
 \()U 
 
 houul 
 
 (to. 
 
 remarked 
 
 tl 
 
 ]]'itiicss rei)orter, "is, I suppose, to think what }-ou cane 
 to hai)i)ify the lot of the officers." 
 
 Plainie looked u[) kiiuler startled, almost scared, and tl 
 Klcctrician and Instruct( 
 
 le 
 
 le 
 
 r exclaimed deh\<vhtedly with one 
 
 \oice 
 
 Tlie)- 
 been all 
 
 u-e God's 
 over tile 
 
 " 'V. "ad \du tlial time. I'laim'e I " 
 
 " And one day," the Instructor continued, "the little divil 
 was .seated in liis cabin with the door locked, and he was on 
 my knee — for he was an affectionate little bei^s^ar, and 
 seemed to act and feel as if he was a boy — and he said 
 suddenl)' : 
 
 " All relii^ions. Will, come from (iock 
 most precious ^ifts to man. And I've 
 world to .see which is the best. .\nd the Christian religion, 
 as pnniisi'd in I-'.ngland, and worse still in Australia and 
 Canada, and worst of all in the L'uited States, is the worst 
 and most devilish of the lot. For Christ, your proi)het. 
 preached poverty and love, rtid his religion is b\- a long 
 chalks the best in the world. lUit the l)riglitest light cast's 
 the darkest shadow, and the best stuff when rotten makes the 
 worst stink, and the hopposite of 'the best' is 'the worst,' 
 and the practi.se of Christians, which is the exact opposite 
 
18 
 
 (the lojical contracHctun}', he called it) of what Christ 
 taui^ht, is the worst, and Cliristians themselves, the blackest, 
 meanest and s\viiullin,L,rcst, makinL^-haste-to-be-richestest, 
 most cowardly little whimperin' cusses in the world." 
 
 "And I sez to him, sez I, ' A man must be a bloomin'good 
 I'arsee to have an\- rite to finti fault with a poor Christian. 
 And if an\' Christian thinks a Parsee ain't as i^ood as himself 
 and perhaps better too, he ain't a Christian at all. Its a 
 conteradiction in terms to call him so." 
 
 "Well, Will," said he, ''all shipshape souls have one 
 creed." 
 
 " The)' stick to what the)" learnt at their mother's knee. 
 \Vh\', \-our mother, l)r\-, would turn in her ^rave, if \'ou 
 turned snivellin' Methodist, tho' you don't belie\e ardl)- a 
 word the Church of lMi<^land, which you sa\' )'ou sail under, 
 teaches." 
 
 " I ilon't believe he said that," said IMainie, who looked 
 something like a Methodist. 
 
 " 1 don't believe he did either," said the Instructor, " I 
 stuck that in to make you interrup. Now, Sonnic, where will 
 )ou "av it. Face, h^ront or I^ehind ? " 
 
 " I'ace," said I'lainsailing, and he turned to l^ill, who was 
 next to him, and never even took the chew out of his mouth. 
 And Bill slapped with all his mi<,dit and main, on his leather)- 
 old weathery cheelc, enough to break his jaw. Hut he turned 
 round and went on with his chew as if nothing had happened. 
 This, it seems is the penalty of needlessly interru[)ting a 
 good \arn. 
 
 " And one da)', se/. he to me, sez he . — ' I 'av just taken all 
 the God-worshippin' creeds in the work!. h'or there arc 
 devil worshippers too, ma)' the Lord forgive 'em. And I 
 have just tlirown overboard those things in which they differ, 
 and I've just got these three left in which the)' all agree. 
 
 1. There is a God. 
 
 2. Me hears pra)'er. 
 
 And 3. Whether there be a God or no God, devil or no 
 devil. Ilell and I leaven, or no Heaven, no Hell, it is better to 
 be kind than unkind, truthful than untruthful, cliaste than 
 unchaste, and better to be self-sacrificing than self-indulgent.' 
 
1!) 
 
 '• And he lives up to what he preaches, and if an\' of you 
 really wants a bob or a pound, or even a five-pun-not'e at any 
 time, )-ou ask me, and if it is all plainsailing, (here I'lainsailing 
 pricked up his ears) you'll get it, and it 'will all come out of 
 the pocket of that bloomin' little Parsee, for he's opened a 
 bank account in my name for that werr}- puppose. 
 
 "But after all." suddenly said Mr. Racey, after a long 
 pause. " there's nothing like the good old Church of Kngland." 
 
 "Except the Westminster Catechism," said Mr. I)r\-sdale. 
 
 " Westminster Cat echism," said Jim. " Westminster Dog- 
 matism, you mean. ' 
 
 " I would'na belang to a Kirk that has a drunken 
 meenistry," flashed Drysdale, lapsing into broad Scotch, as 
 usual when angr\-. He was of the 'Cnitetl I'resbyterians of 
 '793' \vhile his messmate, Jim, was of the entirely antagonistic 
 United V.'s of 1792 'j. 
 
 " And I would'na belang to a Kirk that's na older than my 
 grey mare." repliqued Jimmy. 
 
 And then the fire kindled in me, \\ C. l^mberson, reporter 
 for the Montreal W'itin'ss, and I leapt to my feet and spoke: 
 
 " Mr. Racey. the laectrician, is right," .said I. ■" There is 
 nothing like the good old Church of 'England I In it nobod>- 
 Hsks you what you believe. Dean Stanley gave the Sacra- 
 ment to a Unitarian. Notorious evil-doers oiil}- are excluded 
 from the Feast of Love. Testimonx' was once given in a law- 
 court in England that the only clergy, or lav ministers of 
 Cirace, a certain Poor Law Officer had ever m'et at the bed- 
 sides of the utterl)- destitute poor in London, were, all of them. 
 Church of England. In it no man is called to reveal to 
 woman, man or men tlK)se tender and most mysterious 
 dealings of God with his soul, which a man should hardlv 
 put into words, even to himself. 
 
 " I was born Church of England, and married Church of 
 England, and. please Cod. I'll be buried Church of luigland, 
 in spite of all your " forty stripes save 1, " 
 
 «ere called in Oxford ii 
 
 as the 39 Articles 
 
 1 m\' 
 
 If thev kick me out of d' 
 
 a\' 
 
 oors for heres\- I'll climb in at the 
 
20 
 
 window. If ihey chuck mc out o' uindou'. I'll climb 
 sootably enou.L,di, down the chimblc)-. 
 
 " J5uf. Lor bless your soul, thc>-'ll never turn me out so Ion- 
 as I put 25c m the plate in church." "" 
 
 And as I was the invited -ucst. they, like -entlemcn as 
 they were, allowed me to have the last word. 
 
 And there was silence for a time. 
 
 And Li.t^hts, the I- lectrician. said reproachful 1>- to Plainic, 
 
 gc!"n"!ii? ' ""' '" '^'- "'^""-■^'- ^-' ' -ran aint 
 
 And Plainie took ui) a dab of salt from the cleanest cornc-r 
 
 rL'rnn' m'S""'; "^^ '"^' "^^ '^''^ J.-^ck-knife, and laid it 
 eaiefully and tcnderr\- on m\' plate. 
 
 Sl'CIl 
 
 A SKT OF (;k\t[j.:m|.:x i xkvkr ( ami-; across. 
 
 HKKK TUK rAI.E liECINS. 
 
limb, 
 
 21 
 
 Joiu 
 
 11 ;is 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 imie, 
 ain't 
 
 1 1 1-; 
 
 ARSKK I-ALLi;riI IN l.U\K 
 
 And it fell upon a day that : 
 
 )rncr 
 id it 
 
 TIk' little I^irsee fell in 
 
 love. 
 
 And he fell in love with a fe 
 
 male. 
 
 And he had the disease wery bad, werv bad indeed. 
 
 And the female in (]nestif)n \\a 
 
 s a woman. 
 
 And her name it was 01i\e Ano-eh 
 
 And 
 
 a wer\- nice name too. 
 
 She was the dorter of old Majcjr Ant^elci at 
 
 \'our service 
 
 ess licr and liers. 
 
 who entered Her Majesty's service. Got! bl 
 
 by bearint; arms in Her Majesty's 42nd J'"oot and then he 
 
 exchanged into Her Majest>''s 52nd foot, which went 
 
 \\ 
 
 ith him to India and tho' lie 
 
 awa\- 
 was as cross as three stix 
 
 lie was as bold as blazes and his trunk was alwax's in the van 
 
 for the tale was that he 
 
 was always at his res^imcnt's head 
 
 and so it was liis luck then, to leave his lei's in tl 
 
 le 
 
 BREECIIKS 
 
 OF 
 
 LUCK NOW, 
 
 where a cannon ball took off both his I 
 down liis arms 
 
 e.gs and so he laid 
 
" Ami lie had two haii lej^s and a trouhlesuine cough 
 Hut the legs it was as carried liim off" 
 
 and they carried him o/T to Canada for he said there was 
 no other country in the world fit for a j^entlenian to h'vc in, 
 ever since .Austraha took to striking" and iMif^daiid to 
 knock in J4 — under. 
 
 Vov lie was of the okl U. K. Loyalist stripe, the real old 
 stripe to tackle the Stripes and Stars — stripes wat they i^ives 
 their ni<4iijers ; stars wat the iii!4i4ers see wen they i^et em. 
 
 And so the Major sailed from Calcutta to Montreal, \-ia 
 Vancouver, on Her Majesty's Shi[), the 
 
 i;iLi,\- Kn'MAX, 
 
 And the little I'arsee, of coinse, packed up his dimonds and 
 lacs-of-riipee bills, for he had no lack of 'em, and all his tluds 
 and made arrani^emeiits to '^o olf too, in the same ship, and 
 to ha\e a cabin next to the Major's and Miss Olive's, and a 
 curtain o\er the partition so that wat he said could be heard 
 or not heard b}' t/ii: Major as he wished. 
 
 And a ver\' "(jod arransjeinent tocx 
 
 h'or the Major was as proud as the niL;"i;er captain of a row- 
 boat — .\ paxcock wasn't a sarciunstance to him. 
 
 And he wouldn't allow his dorter ever to speak, no, never, 
 to nobod}-, nohow. And he wouldn't have let any one make 
 love to her, no, not untler a l'"iekl .Marshal or a Ilemperor of 
 all the Roosias. 
 
 .\nd the\' don't ^"row on every bush. 
 
 .And if a little beL;;4arl\' I'arsee, most of all a Japanee 
 I'arsee, had a made up to her, e\eii tho' he wa.s ,ts rich as a 
 man who wants nothinj^" ami lit his pipe with five dollar bills, 
 he w(iiild have kicked him downstiars, tho' it is KArilKR hard 
 to kick a man downstairs, wen \-our bimg(jlow is L^round 
 lloor and one stor)' lii;4h and you ha\e 
 
 TWO WOODEN LKCs. 
 
 Now, some men fall in lo\e with a ribl)on or a bonnet. .\nd 
 an artist, he once fell in love with a footfall, and a very nice 
 
youn;^r woinaii it fell from. And most men, specially 
 Christians, fall in love with a fii^urc — from the I Icclaiui girl's 
 tocher of " twa white shillins and twa pair o" blankets," mj to 
 the plummy fij^ure of 
 
 £ 1 0,000. 
 
 But the Parsec, being a pac,^an, did not make matrimon\- a 
 iiicrr matter o' money, but bein.!:^ a hay then, autl therefore 
 lK)ssibly a cannibal, fell in love with a heart, a Noble, Loyal. 
 TrustiiiL;-, Maidenly Heart. And this heart found its form' 
 and expression 
 
 IN 
 
 OLIVE ANGELO, 
 
 iiKK iii:a\i:.\i.\ i aci;. 
 
 A face where tender shadows tleet. 
 Responsive to the passing mootl — 
 
 Sweet memories, ])romises more sweet, 
 ^';i>' — certainties of endless good. 
 
 A face that courts the wildest breeze, 
 .Antl woos the sun in sunnner liouis ; 
 
 Lies chequereil 'ncatii the tlickcring trees 
 And \ics in tint with vermeil llowei-s. 
 
 .\ntl as some little lakcK't clear 
 
 Reflects the sk\-'s uinneasured whole — 
 
 So heaven's uimninbercd charms appear, 
 -Ml nnriorcd in this siir. 
 
 le ^oul. 
 
 W ouldst tlioii ha\c' such' n /iu\'} 'I'licu say 
 
 Due orisons at lise of sun, 
 At evensong, recall and weigh 
 
 I'^.ach tleed the passing da}- has done. 
 
24 
 
 ! I 
 
 C'.'ist out (ill fcai- and all desire, 
 
 l''ear (iod, fear iu)tiiiii.t4 ^^^^ Ix-sidc ; 
 
 Thy life-son-- -" I linlicr"! lu-cr I li-hcr ! " 
 Like s])ray-sn()\v on the vaiihin- tide. 
 
 My darh'ii!^: Sun thyself in (lOj), 
 
 Mis iiiotlwr-coiiilorliiij^s. His ,L;race, 
 His i^au'ilanee. \'(;iee - I'lis loving- nx! 
 
 And enter Heaven with such a face. 
 
 I". C. KAHiKKSO.N. 
 
 ^T'lntreal, \o\-. lo, 1S94, 
 
 1 ;;i Macka\- Street. 
 
 s)-" 
 
2.j 
 
 CFIAI'TKlf IV. 
 
 '•Oil : wli.T.. Miid. nil : wii,.,.,, is „iy Mill,, up., d..-- 
 Oll : wllcrv illhl. oil : wliciv ciiu lie he V " 
 
 SliiiistisKl ('. I'.. Ik-ion'. 
 
 'I'll- iUllh..!- l,,is lllir.inmi;llrly (■.-, inisliiid this rliiiplrr 11,. ,|,H.^ 
 lint know where it is. iiiid lie dues net f.-ire. 
 
 Xi)f liJis he the fiiiiitesi i(h'ii wliai it is :ilMiiit. 
 
 And lie doesn't cure. 
 
 If .Miiy of his friends e. neioss it. will ti„.v ui|„iiy nse ii r,,r 
 
 kiiidiiim' or oiher piiriioses. 
 
 I'.iil will they kindly return when (uniid. the -reeii silk nnil.rejla 
 which was lost iit the same tini.. : and niail il. opiai if possil,]... to* 
 
 F. c. i:.mi'.i:ks(>.\. m.a.. 
 
 ('i (Jit Loji-iit, Tliree Lakes, 
 
 .Mtriiniie, V.i). 
 
 -Meaiiwliil,.. I sill >.' I'll iKiv.- to fiidu,. in .some kind of sliiir i,, 
 
 tnke its place. 
 
 s\vi;i;t arts. 
 
 And hav(> yon ever l.e..n in Ileviika. Fiji, said my master tn me. 
 ai'cidentiilly on pmpise ,,( coiirs- -one line iiiorniim-. 
 
 -Why sir." sez |. •• Kver 1 n in Fiji.' Why. that's where .Mic- 
 
 Fciitherst.M. lives, her as I kept company with when I was theiv in 
 '■■ST. Ar any rate she was a liviii- there then, a stayin- with the 
 Oiioral)!.. Orac.. Fml.erson. th.> Kin- ,,r the Cannihal Islands, him 
 wot started the Botany May (Jardeiis in l.eviika. and Irie.l i,, inir,,. 
 duce the Sacr.-d Tow and I'eiiaiii;- (Joai. and tli.' cultivation of I'- 
 mits into tli,> Fiji's. It wood ha' been the f;-reatest possihle 1>,mui 
 to the iioor natives. 
 
 Of course, the rascally Government blocke.l his little uaiiie. He 
 was too pojnilar with the natives already. 
 
 "Don't 11 ever leit to "er '.' " sez he. 
 
mri 
 
 20 
 
 " I low can I rile to "I'l- V" scz 1. " I cim't rite to •nii nil. Si» I 
 riifs III iKiiic. 1 Ire ■('111 all alikt". And so ikihc ot" 'I'lii can 
 
 coiiinlaiii." ' 
 
 " WotiM yuii like It) send lici a little imh-iii. if I rite it in V-r ln.iKir''" 
 st'Z li". "and if ! jin.vs liic imsiajc" 
 
 "1 ihanU ycr kindly .-iii-," scz I. "and "artily. It 'jil kinder hv a 
 ri'licf to my rcclinx. 
 
 ""Aiiily a day passes Imt, 1 think of her. Hiess her little 'art. I'm 
 a thiiUvin" of orl of "eni. oil the time." 
 
 " ( Mie in every port, I suppose." sez lie. 
 
 " Kelt II are. sir." sez I. " Not a missiii' a single poi-t." 
 
 And 1 conrnses tlie name of the port wilii ilie name of the yoiiii;,' 
 woman, and the name of tiie yoim^' woman witii tlie nanu' of tlie 
 Jiorl. 
 
 And the name of tlie youii;.' woman naturally comes uppermost. 
 
 And once when tiie Hilly UuHiaii was ^.'oin;r to sail .soinewheres. 
 ill '.'>.". during' the Crimean war, ami when ;ili the newspapers wanted 
 to find out where, .so as to ^^-aiii f.'.loi-y to tiiemselves, :ind lielp the 
 ciieniy. a curious tldiit; ha])pened. 
 
 A iii-wsi)ap(>r man uave me a lot o" rum. ami yiiv nic lots of 
 l.onnds of tobacco, and lots of lio.\es of cij.'ars. and asked me. sez he: 
 
 "Where may ii i>e a sailin' to V " 
 
 \ow. 1 knew liy ilie ollicei's" liiy;u:am' that we was lioimd for one 
 of the three ports in tin. ciiina seas. .\nd 1 sed : - 
 
 " We are sailin' under sealed orders. Hut unless I am pretty 
 \.('li mistaken, wicli I never am. we are hound eitliei- for pretty 
 Anine ("aii-d hless her- such a jn'oliie as iiei's I never saw --or for 
 
 naniiah Kerniode— bless hei- jiretty lil;ick eyesdi' fm- ihat a 1 old 
 
 soul Kliza Macpherson." 
 
 And he looked as mad ;is if lie liad swallored a triple expansion 
 elljill. 
 
 And he slouched away. And it never occurred to me till this 
 bles.sed miuit wliat he was nia<l about. 
 
27 
 
 TO WACK. 
 
 Ml'MKTliS. 
 
 Niplii'ti>s ill till' flri'fk iiii'iiiis " A miuvn Hiin v." Ii U tin' iiiiinr nf ii iii-c 
 
 Crentiim scarce could fiutlicr '^i> I 
 Eacli fr(iij;rHiit U-af nf cruaiiiy siiow 
 
 Si> jMMfcL't is and fair, 
 Natui'i' iicrsi'lf wcMiid sofni tn nay : — 
 
 •' Tlid ' art lint .Hpniiii,' t'loiii (•artlil\ clay. 
 
 Nor imilt of Cosmic air : 
 From liii,dicst lu-avcn's holiest shrine. 
 Came soiijdikc \vaftiii;j;.s all divine. 
 
 And left thee growiiii,' tiiuro." 
 
 Now T jiliick it, now I ludil it. 
 And liiijli in idictdess vase enthrone it. 
 It jiales iiiid drooji.s- -and dies — 
 
 r>iit whei'esoo'er it lilnslied, we find 
 A rare aroma stays heliind, 
 A scent celestial lies. 
 
 So— Alice — long as time shall last. 
 Each spot wherein a saintly maid 
 Hatii lull a Heetini,' moment strayed, 
 
 Is frai^rani with lier presence past. 
 And holy in my eyes. 
 
 F. C. Embkkson. 
 
28 
 riiAi"n:i{ v. 
 
 IN TIIIO SWIM. 
 
 " Swc.-itiiii,' iiiid Swiiiimiii;:- arc Iwo of ihc most iiniMirtaiit rlciiu'iifs 
 in lic.-illli and liapiiiiicss." Little Yokr. 
 
 -M.v master and .. Itotli (f lis. nuiii-ed aiioiit the sauie time, lliat 
 .Miss (dive l>e;;an to jrive siv:ns. most alarmiii;; to us. of forced };ood 
 spii'its and i)ai'el_v cniicealed depfession. 
 
 .\o woiidef ! jKior tliiny I all tlie time so m'ai" one she loved so well, 
 and never a woi-d to him. or from Idm ; all a owin.u to her o^. n 
 father's cussedness. 
 
 We wateiied her in turns, (piietly. all d:iy. and one of lis ahva.Nf. 
 held the white door of I'cr cabin i;i view at niuht. ( Mie day we 
 found that slie had .i,'iven a hatlnn.u' suit whicii sin- had with lier. to 
 her maid I'riseilla Lar<i(inin, to be \, ashed. 
 
 So m.v mastei- went in for some seieiititic exi»eriments. on the ap- 
 parent relation l)elwe"n distaii" 's travellcil b.v a ship accordinu' lo 
 the loi;. ;iiid (he real disla!',( is as settled by observations of the 
 stars and smi. 
 
 To do tliese as he ])retended. lie ,:;i)t tlie ( 'oiiiuia iider to liave :\ lo^- 
 reel fastened on each side of ilie ship, in the cliains. ,\iid near 
 each lo«-reel a life-pre.server : uiie of them round, rin^'-shaiied ones 
 for saviiiu: life at sea. And one of ns iri'iierally was a hoveriiiu be- 
 twei'ii the chains and her cabin door. 
 
 ( »ne starry ni,i:lii ue were lyiii.i; almost becalmed, in mid-ocean. 
 .Miimi s bells. (U' midniii'hl, a .ufaceful shapi'. a steppiii;^- easil,' and 
 ;:r.'icet'iilly liUe a .Milton's an.u:els. iku like a uiiilt.v. cowjirdly wastrel. 
 .!:()in.i:' to shirk pain ami dui.\' for I'.'i the urcit interrouaiion iioiiit. 
 emer-ed from lier cabin. 
 
 We wi're tioth in sii^hl. iiut it did not seem lo see us, tlio' from 
 where we stood one v.ould liiinli ii must have done so. I'leei as 
 
 'fff it liaii reached ijie chains, and lookiiii: round as a sane person 
 does bcf(U-e pliiuuim:. dived easily an 1 gracefully iiito three miles o' 
 watc!". 
 
 In alxuil .") seconds it s'emed ."> hours to us she rosi 
 
 and 
 
 slioweii 
 
 above water riyht up to the waist, as an.x'oiie would do who lets Ih' 
 will cease to work. Such a diver rises plump uii. perpemlicuhir. 
 like a lou from the jiool at .Xiatrara. 
 -My m:ister plimued in like liuhtnin'. n\' ccuirse. 
 
29 
 
 " .Miiii (ivcrl.oiinl : " n.iuvd I. 'riiu' I sliould liav.- snid, " Woiiuin 
 ovcrltoiinl I " 
 
 ! cMst the life pp.'scrviT wliich we jillncli.'d to a li^'lil at the cud 
 nf ihc Id.-Iiii.. ..very iii^lii. sirai;:lii for iIm- " liai»l».v couplt'." 
 
 Ill M llasli. aliiiosi hrfoi-c .1.1 Kavi-ii. tlic lirsi liculcnaiil -uickiiaiiicl 
 Hulls -\vli„ was a sailiii' tlic sliip. could piiU ili(> ciijrnc hells U> 
 " IJeverse the Kiiiriiie." my master had hold of a ropi" 1 llmi;: to him 
 hetwceu the comliluf.'s of the shrouds. With one hand. .-Miss OUve 
 as It sec -ed t,, me, j, helpiu- him. ami he cliinhed up. and Iliei-e. 
 
 I,or--hless-yei'. sh ewas in the eai.in. and my inaster in his iiani- 
 iiiock iM.foiv an.voii(> hut Uuhs and a few of the slarhoard watcii 
 knew aiiyihiui.;- ahoui it. 
 
 'I'hey. like ^'eiriemen. as we sailofs tries to he. never said a word 
 to one anothef, of to anyone, aiiout it. 
 
 .lo !{avt>ii- Hulls, as we called •im.- like a hloomiii" cad as he was. 
 •■iKinired ,,f I'lain-sailin'. otiicially, as captain of the watch, as to 
 who had called out 
 
 " .Man ( ivei'hoai'd ! " 
 
 I'lainsailin'. without sayiiiy- anyliiink much, implied soiiu'Ik.w that 
 Huhs must ha" heeii dfimk. oi- a dfcamin" of ins sweefart or 
 sweet'arts. 
 
 I'.uh tried to yo on kickiiii.' uii a hohliery ahout it. tlio" none hut 
 the cook and tht> captain's steward took any stock in him. 
 
 Till one Hue day. I'lainsailin". who was a j:reasin,ir the mizeii mast, 
 (piite accidentally, dropped a hii; hucketfid o' hot ai-ea.se i)hmi]> on 
 his head, neat as nine pence, as he was a iiassinir uiid(>r the nuzeii 
 cross-trees. 
 
 And Hulls couMn't do iK.iiiink to him, except tine him the value of 
 the urease. 
 
 V»\- accideuts will "aiiiicn. ahoard ship, sometimes, sum-ow. 
 Ami artei- that Huhs kept his pesky, little tunj,' atweeii his teeth. 
 And time he did. 
 
 And. hy the way. ;is .Miss (Hive reached her cahin door, she looks 
 round at me and my master and says (so arch like and hapiiy,) I 
 love to recall her look as slie said it: 
 I do so dearl.v lo\-e a swim," 
 " Aiiil a life preserver V" sez I. 
 
 And she hlushed. and ran in to change hep clothes, and to take 
 snthin" hot atid uo to hed, 
 
 <!OI> HLKSS IIKU. 
 \\ns ('OKI u. 
 SANS I'KIU. 
 
W i 
 
 30 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE WHISPER OF TOE SEA SHELL. 
 
 I, Wm. Drysdalo. Instructor to tlio Boys, i.e., to sailors loss than 
 throe years in the service. (lei)os<'th as follows :~-Tliat is to say :— lo 
 wit :— " In lSt>;{ I was wally to a Parsee passenjer on the "Billy 
 Ruflian." from Calcutta to Vancouver. 
 
 We woz werry conlidential. cez y. hein?,' a valley, he aperiently 
 vallied me werry Ily. 
 
 And to .suck his little I'jirsec In-ains all I I'ood. I used to a.\e him 
 all kinds of interero^ia lions and (juestions. 
 
 And one niorniiif,'. the wind beiny fowl and clioiipy. I sez to him, 
 sez I :— 
 
 "And wot was us poor bcurwirs put in this 'ere cireumbcndihus of 
 a world for. at all, anyhow V" sez I. 
 
 And sez e :- 
 
 " To be appi," sez he. 
 
 "And how is a man lo be api)i." sez I. "in n world were beef- 
 steak is fourteenpence a pomid." 
 
 And, sez he :— " By listening to 
 
 "THE AVHISI'EK OF TIIF SEA SHELL." 
 
 And he lianded me :\ i)rietcd, eriyinal. manuscrip. all written by 
 his own hand, and printed off at a print in.!" ollis. in Eiijilish letters. 
 wich it puzzled me how he jrot it done by seme little Parsee print(>r"s 
 devil." 
 
 And it ran tliusly. and so f.ashion : word for word, so how :— 
 
 The subject of (he words bel 
 
 fear to tread. .Not writt 
 
 )w is one where anj^els inav almost 
 
 even be read e.xcept in fitting,' m 1 or t 
 
 vn without tliouj;lits of fear, it siiotdd not 
 
 these, the mind is seldom at timed, 
 
 ime. To thoughts such as 
 
 '.\cepi when the voices of the 
 
;u 
 
 nipht wnkc the hotter soul within us to nu iinti'past of licavon's 
 holy ciUui. or when, uudor iilllictioii or fatigue, the fciulor is iu 
 U'liiltT uiood. 
 
 Ih' should, at least, ivfraiu till he has ample time to read slowly, 
 weight tliouf;ht fully, and assent wit'i care. 
 
 " He much in the soeiety of thy Best Friend." 
 
 (Mu- liest friend, if we will make llim so. is God. 
 
 (1.1 Woidd We know llis e.xistem-e '.' ^^'ould we know that lie is'.' 
 
 Then let us cross, like some lilind man. to the s\inny side of the 
 
 street of His ways, and know His lieart-. body-, soul ;ind s])irit- 
 
 warniinji' rays, and say. 
 
 " Der Sonneiischein. 
 Der Soiuienscliein. 
 Es scheiut in meineii Heriz hinein." 
 
 " Tile sun she shiiu's, 
 Lou;; may it shine. 
 She shineth in this heart of mine." 
 
 (2.) Would we know Ilis ciiaraeter V AVould we know what Tie is? 
 
 Then let ns read tlie I's.-iluis. and mark I'.-icli and every passajje 
 whicli sjie.Mks of llis truth. His tenderness, and His love. .\e.xt let 
 us eoi>y these out. and liien transcribe them, in fairest order and 
 most connected sense, mio some \'ade .Mecum of our hi;jhest 
 thoniilits. choicest cullinys from ciioiccst authors and daily gootl 
 resolutions. 
 
 His (\\istene(> known. His character most familiar, let us make 
 Him our very friend. " How V " do you ask V "-Separation," as 
 Aristotle saith. "sejiarateth very fi-ieiids." 
 
 Snpixise an .\rthur Ha 11am ever lived with thee, all the more 
 constantly jiresent because ever invisible to the eye. Snpi>ose him 
 over ready to iiear thy i|uestions atid resolve tliy doul)ts. Wouldst 
 not talk witli him daily. ye;i. in every little subsecivive hottr V 
 Wouldst tiot refer to liim every doul)t and ;isjc him to decide it ; 
 every irresolution, and ask him to end it ': 
 
 And (iOI) is re.ady to do all this. He has done it with His 
 chosen servants since i-ecorded time be;:an. Was He not iu the 
 cool of the eveinni;- in a (.arden with .\datn. and "the fairest of 
 her dau}.'hters Kve." " .\ud Ihioch walked with God. and he was 
 not, for (Jod took llim : " surely the sweetest, briefest poem and 
 
mi^tama 
 
 3J 
 
 
 r 
 
 I i? 
 
 M 
 
 most ci'lcstial word iinisic that even the iiciicil of the Holy (Jliost 
 hath ever iiciuicd. 
 
 riatii licard this voici'. and not only did it answci' him (as it has 
 done nu', cincrcst of tlic frail, wlicncvt'r 1 spolvc to iti, Imt " Sio 
 sprach zti ilini. sic samr zti ihni " of iisrlt". And so was IMato on- 
 ablcd to dcscrilic nn\vittiii;,dy that death wiiirli ;:av(' lis lift'— the 
 lifc-jiivin^' dcatli of ( »nt' who carried out Plain's noblest antei»ast of 
 '• Ilini wh(» lieiii;; Just, is ad,iiidy:ed iinjnst l)y men." For I'lato 
 wrote, four centuries i)efore ilu' birth of Christ, these woi'ds :— 
 
 " Tlieii sliall tile .lust one be ('ondenuied thoiiirh innocent. l>e tor- 
 mented, scourged, despitefnlly entreated and linally crucitied. that 
 he may learn liiat the life of man is .uiveii him. imi to seem— l>ut. to 
 be Just. 
 
 And the X'oice sitoke to Ki»ictetiis, and showed its love. And the 
 Avords it said were {graven on his tomb for all to read forever : — 
 
 " I was a sla\e ; poor, lirnlally ill-used, maimed, misshapeu, 
 sickly, and very dear to (JoD." 
 
 It spoke to the priest Copcrnick. who. exiled by the infallible 
 ("Imrch of his fathers and of the (Miurcli of his own dearest beliefs, 
 to ic.\' lands and blasts whieli were his deatli. had inscribed over his 
 evcrlasliiif;' slcepiii.i:-iilace there : 
 
 "Mercy! <> (Jod of .Mercy! .Mercy! 1 ask it. not as askt>d by 
 Peter or by Paul, init as the repentant roliher be,L:,i.'ed it with a 
 j;roan." 
 
 It spoke to Marcus .\ntoniuiis. who. on his bed of skin-covored, 
 slopiuj;' bo;ird. writes thus, and the wonls shall cAcr live :— 
 
 "And wliy should 1 be afraid of death V D^'ath can but briii;; 
 me nearer to (;(td. And if there lie no Cod. wh;it is it to me to 
 live in a world without n Cod ':" 
 
 But there is a (iod. and He "carelh for lis as His children." 
 
 And indeed. 
 
 "His Coodiiess watches o"er the whole, 
 As thoiiuh the world were but one soiil : 
 Yet minds my every sacr»>d liiiir. 
 As thouf^h it were His sin;;le care." 
 
 And do4»s not Xeiiophon, too, speak divinely when Iw puts these 
 
33 
 
 ■\vonls into ilu' dyllif.' innntli of Cyrus 
 
 TliiiiU not. mv son. tlisit I. 
 
 wlit-n I lc;ivc von. slijill 
 
 nowlicrc or nolliin; 
 
 When Willi yon. 
 
 tiii'n 
 
 U'V<' 
 
 yon <-onl(l noi sco my soul, except ft'oin its Met ions. I'.el 
 tliMt liiis soul exists, tlioiiiili you see it not." 
 
 Ami most ;:loi-iotIs is llie tlttef;lllee of ( 'ieefo wllell lie ex<-l;liins: 
 "O glorious <lny I when I ^o to .join the iici't'eet ei'own o|' liiiman 
 souls. ;in(l leave ItehiiKl tlie seething; mess of eonuuon men. Fof 1 
 shall then jro to .join, not only tliose friofions men of whom I lately 
 spokt — Init my son. my son. .N'ever was tliei-e lietter man. iieviM' a 
 iiiofe lovin^r soil. I closed his eyes. lie should have closed mine. 
 
 me. 'Pliey were ever 
 hence he sees that I 
 
 Hut the eyes of his soul were never closed on 
 turned on me as he was j,'oin;:' to that jilace w 
 
 shall soon j:o to hi 
 
 m. 
 
 And o'er his ver.v ashes 1 comforted m.vself. 
 
 ami thon^rlit tliat 1 shotdd iierhaps l)t> ;ri>injr snoii." 
 
 This voice wotdd seem to have sjiolven to the jirandsire of one of 
 my dearest friends, to whom, 'ii moiety, this liooi<let is dedicated. 
 
 well. The voice hade the old man ^o 
 
 He was in Scotland, faring 
 
 tf> London, wheri- he had not a friend. 
 
 After a while lie went to 
 lie never knew why. .\iid. years 
 to Canada, to acres of snow, wliose 
 very name he hardly knew. He heard and heard, and tiien lislein'il. 
 
 London. He knew not why. 
 after, the voice lia<le him uo 
 
 ami he came to Canada. 
 
 He knew not whv. 
 
 .And dii'd, and knew 
 
 Hot w'>y. 
 Hut it mav he. ma.v 
 
 wt 
 
 l>erhai)s have Itare .iuht to asl< why the 
 
 Voi<-e thus Slioke 
 
 Some of lis may iruess. 
 
 Wearv with tl 
 
 dust 
 
 and drouth of citv lifi 
 
 11 
 
 ritated at the infection of Moiiti-eal money 
 
 madness, we now can enter a ualler.x' of some of the jiictures of the 
 World. There hefore. one lovely relireseilt mellt at le'lst (the Cruen- 
 
 waldi. we can rest and listen to the slil 
 
 <m 
 
 ill. calm and healiui: 
 
 voire 
 
 tis 
 
 tlK 
 
 voice 
 
 • f .Nature, the form in which tlie Inner Void 
 
 is alwa.vs spc-tikin;: to ns tliron;;h sea-shell or from scajie or tlower. 
 
 an we would but hear. 
 
 And what will it say 
 
 My iliild I whv hurried 
 
 Wl 
 
 IV rullled. though Imt for a mo- 
 
 nii-nt 
 
 Look at nil' : 1 am calm eiiouirh. 
 
 m 
 
 Ami tliis ^.-lilei V was linili li\ thesni 
 m wlio ohevcd the Invisililc N'oice, 
 
 I iiiil ur.'iiiilsiiii 
 
 .f t 
 
 lis oil 
 
 1 Sci.tfh- 
 
 And. thiiujrh each man's soi-row is (of course 
 
 I th 
 
 mlv rcallv iin- 
 
 emluralde sorrow in the world, \el lei hjm reiiiember that amid 
 
 the most Kiryptiau darkness, there is always, if 
 
 will have it so. 
 
 one (Joslien of li^rlii into whii-h lie may retire— the (ioshen of his own 
 di-ar heart. 
 
34 
 
 f 
 
 'I '! 
 
 And once upon a day the Voico spoke to 300 men at once. And it 
 spoke in tlie words of a glorious, old. roysterin^ Spartan war-song. 
 
 There were a (luarter-niillion foes in front towards ])leasant 
 Tenipe. and tliere were li.'tO.ooo ht'liind on tlie road to lionie and dear 
 Lacedaemon. And on tlieir rij;l»t hand was nnid— worse, far worse, 
 tlian a dee]) sea : and to tlie left there was the devil in the shape of 
 an nnscaleabU' cliff. 
 
 And they went to couch early, and slei>t as soundly as Macaulay 
 says Arjiyle did in the Tolhooth. 
 
 AikI in the luorii, they arose betimes, and combed tlKtse loufr locks, 
 llieir Dride, that showed their blue blood, so that they miKht die; 
 like gentlemen, as they were. 
 
 .\ml tht>n they sang out a glorious old-time Paean, resonant with 
 wild delight of battle with one's peers, with stern contempt of death, 
 and with Joy of victory ;— yea. that greatest of all victories, the vic- 
 tory over self and shame. 
 
 And they fought till every man was killed '. For " llie arrow did 
 not choose out the bravest only." but slew them all, and every 
 woinid in front. 
 
 () /ens! Z(Mis ! How glorious to live in a world where such a 
 deed was done ! ! 
 
 J ' 
 
 And one cried to one of these old Aryan hearts-of-oak, "Look at 
 those Persians. Their ."..uoo.ooo arrows will darken the sun." And 
 the jolly old moribund (itrobably swore and) said : "Then we'll lick 
 'em in the shade." And the wiu'ds will live for ever, and survive 
 the clock of time. 
 
 Vi'i'ily the r;ice of heroes lias not died out. We would liardly 
 recognize iliem unless we looked them carefully in the ftice, or eyes 
 to eyes, remembering this dictum of Dickens, that "If ever we are 
 deceived by a man. we cannot blame Xattire. Nature stamps It 
 on his face. We do not see it bec.-iuse we wilfully blind ourselves 
 to the mark of the beast, or, the mark of what is worse than a 
 beiist. a dislioiiest man. These heroes are men. They have not 
 entirely eradie;ited the Xoii-dlviiie I'^leiiieiit in them, aiul it is often 
 on the siirfaee on its way from within into sjiace. like Bob Acre's 
 courage oozing out of his linger lips. 
 
 1 iiave known such heroes. They will suspect me for calling them 
 such. They need not l>e alarmed. I am perfectly aware of their 
 basenesses, their , and. their , and their . 
 
35 
 
 Ono of tlioin honrd a cry of distress from tho wrockcd sailors of 
 tilt' " ("yntliia." "one morn as on his bed he lay." lie leaped from 
 the l»ed. slii)i)ed into his trousers ih«' eall.- them "pants"!. Jumped 
 barefoot into a erazy craft, rowed to tlie wreel<. " Never ndnd us." 
 railed the captain of tlie foretop and some two otliers (who were on 
 the next bit of wreckap't; '• no for the ]>ilot. he can't swim." And 
 he went, for the uilot. and he saved three lives at tlie risk of his 
 own. and wliat is worse and less romantic, at tlie risk of catchin;; 
 his death of cold. 
 
 And the three men he saved and fed. walked in drippinj; vcarmeiits 
 ;{ miles to tho street cars, and the street car conductor (like master, 
 like man) made them wallc ."i more miles to the Court House, lie- 
 cause tliey had not the necessary ."> cents eacli. tlieir casli haviiif; 
 Kone down witli tlieir pockets, and tlieir pockets witli tli(>ir clothes ! 
 
 Moral.— Let the city of Montreal run its own street cars, use th(^ 
 prolits to reduce our taxes, pay the men liumanly, and then they 
 will be human. 
 
 And my " Water-Haliy " accpiaintance hath a lire-kiny; friend, wlio 
 hath an apprentice to whom he is a spiritual and moral father. 
 And there was at Loiij-Mie Point a lire-traii to "save" tlie Province 
 the expense of $11<; a liead a year for lunatics, "as if by lire." 
 
 And the lire came. :iiid there was a host of " fnrieuses " in the 
 "furious ward." wliicli is haiipily a iliiny <d" tlie jiast in modern 
 asylums. And they refused to yo out. and tliere was no exit for 
 them had tliey wished to do so. 
 
 And my tire-kin« acquaintance (would I could call him friend i and 
 his ai)prentic(> axed tiieir way npwai'ds (!i throu;rh the tlooi-in;; of 
 three successive ,i,'alleries or verand;ilis. liewed down tlie l)astilian 
 bars of % iron wliicli imprisoned tlie luiildiiif::. and dra;;,ire(l the 
 would-lie salamanders from their tiery furnace, and slioved tliem 
 one by one. will-slie. nil-slie. throujih tlie opeiiin.iis tliey had iiewn in 
 the verandah tloor with their axes, some dead, some alive, and some 
 betwixt and between. 
 
 And they escaped as if by a miracle, and went about their daily 
 work a few liours afterwards as if notliinj,' had happened. 
 
 And they cannot yo and ^ct drunk when tliey read these words 
 in a iirinte<l book, for they are. happily, leetni.-illers like myself and 
 Mr. .Tolin Doufjall. 
 
 \or is the race of hero-}:iants like these likelv to die out. With 
 
lit'iicr ('(liu'iition. ji iKitciit prodncfi- of (Iclihcnitc plucU. with ln'ttcr 
 IxtoUs iiiid better I'nud. tlicy ai'c 'mcrcMsiii;; every yeiir. Witness 
 tlie (liiily acts of oiii- Moiitreiil and otiief lirenieii. 
 
 Ami jtei'liaiis tiiey afe nowliefe set niimefons as in tlie lOnj^lisli 
 \avy. He (Hiulit to know tins well who iias sailed with Iheut, 
 eaten with them in tlie foi'ecastle mess, dlscnssed relijrion with tli(>in 
 in tlie do;.'-watcli. run al)onl the deck harefotit wilii them. Init one 
 liaiipy live lon^' d.ay on ItoiU'd 1 1. .M.S. "Canada." .None that had 
 seen tlieir niovenieiits. llieif look, iheir feaiiess discourse and hear- 
 inj:. comliined witli the teiiderest and most ^'enllemanly courtesy to 
 a stran^'er and to the weak, could h.ave doubted that v'very .lack Tar 
 of tliem would have died to a m;in. as did the .">n(» Spartans iii 
 T]iermoi)ylae. 
 
 Tlii'ir mates hav<' ;ictnally done so. For. oiw nitrht. an echo of th;> 
 Voice s|)ake in the words of the hearty Itritisli cheer. " Hip. hip. 
 hiu'i-ali ! ;ind three times three." It was on the wreck of tbe 
 "Amphion." The shi|iwrecked tars kimw the hull was bound to 
 sink. .\nd the sea was hit:li. ami it was hard to take off 
 even a few at a time to the re.scuint; steamer iu the offlutr. 
 .And they carefully helix'd the weak, in th(> order of their weakness, 
 into tlie boats. And each knew that his own chance j;r<'\v It'ss as 
 each lioat-load left. And each <lrew back rather tlian pushed for- 
 ward to be taken off. And nij,'ht fi'll. 
 
 .\iid the wi'eck was invisibU' on the waters, and there was no 
 uiore lioi)e. 
 
 .\iid siiddeiily tlie liiilk ti-eiiibled like a guilty thin?:, and they 
 knew that tiiis meant Heath. And then, out tlirouy:li the darkness 
 riinu' three hearty l>ritisli cheers. Not a (luiverinj; note, not a 
 tremor amoiii: them all. Wli.-it I have of my mother in me conies 
 to my eyes as 1 write these words. 
 
 .\iid (hey went down to be tossed with tanjile and with shells in n 
 ;;lorious j;rave. to clasi> litinds ay:ain. I thank (Jod. in a still more 
 glorious etei'uity. 
 
 (t .lesus ! .lesus I Thou who wert as fearless as they! How 
 fllorions to live in ;i woi'ld where such )j;lorions deeds are done I 
 
 And if we will but obey the Voice day by day in the smallest 
 tiilliny: acts of kimlness and of love, the .t^lorious chance of tloiii}! 
 such it deed may come to you and to me. Let us then thank God 
 and lake coura;;e. 
 
37 
 
 (Jod (■!iii Kivt' liiii)irnu>ss witlidut the incniis or li.-ippinrss. Tlie 
 Jesuit fallicr. Ijist of liis race in Spain, w iio n-itiilird sins in liiyii 
 place's, was lionorcd l».v siiarinj,' tlic late nf Iliin who was •"ri-caliMJ 
 as I'lijust, liccaiisc most .lust." lMa«-o<l in pri.son in the lop slory, 
 "Ix-ncalli tlic loads." sovcrcd from ovor.v triond, lie was liandod one 
 da.v a l)ooiv lilh-d witli such unholy words as his soul would most 
 abhor. This hook liad Ikh-u p\il)lish(«d. under his iianic and as if 
 written by him, by the recent of Si.aiu. Wliether it stuuf: him or 
 not none on earth shall know. And lie is tiled in ids absence for 
 liaviuf,' written this book and for other uncommitted crimes, and 
 he is condemlu'd to death, and the hour of his deliverance draweth 
 nitjh. 
 
 And. lo : he conies forth to die. and it seems as if his very lack 
 of food and his iiodily pain had but knit his attenuated frame to 
 ;;aii;'t healthiness and most sinewy vipn'. And on his face was a 
 ,L,iory a;; of that of Mose.s when he came down fidin the .Mount. tlit> 
 ;.dory. a faint Mush of which is ever on every fiw,. wliicli comet ii 
 forth from the secret plac<> where it natli talki-d witli (Jod. Willi 
 that ineffable Joy still on every noble feature, the head was severed 
 from the body by the axe of "a imist (Mirisli.-in kin;;." 
 
 lie much in the .society of thy best friend. 
 
 And when I had redd it aloud to him. ns he always made me don 
 sutiunk or other every day. he scd. sed he : " Willy." sed lie. •• Imve 
 you ever seen a face radiant and iiisjiirt'd and lit up like .Moseses, 
 and breathin;,' the ineffable, streiimiiii,' loveliness tluit conies from a 
 |)urt> maiden mind ever listeninj; to the sea-.sliell from its (>arliest 
 years." 
 
 And I turned to him. and a vision of one not far from us was a.; 
 |)Iaiu as Moses afore my worry eyes, iuid 1 looked him (lecj) in tl'ie 
 eyes and .saw his secret there, and knew that wc were both thinking,' 
 ,)f olive An^ieio. Cod bless liei. 
 
I ; 
 
 ;!S 
 
 CIIArTER VII. 
 
 THI-: so.\(j OF riiK Foru-cuuss flag. 
 
 " Soiiff, jis with Sanl, biinisholli tin- blues.'" 
 
 1 st;irt(Ml iit 4 bells (as usuali to iio on duty, as tlie Parsee's vall.v. 
 flud saw. .Miss Any:elo, our laily passeuj:*'! in tlie cliaius in maiden 
 inedil.'ition. 
 
 Sli(> needed it sore enoU)-di Itefore facing' lier fatlier. tlie Ma.ior's. 
 taiilnnns all day. For if ever there was a peiipr-livered. old. dis- 
 eliaiLLed Injun otticer, as cross as '•) stix, xes it was he. 
 
 (.Jenerally she w;is bright and tree, and faecd the UKU-nin;; air like 
 n lark at its orisons. 'I'o-day she seenie<l blue. 
 
 Of course 1 did not look at her as I pas.sed. l)ut I saw her all the 
 sanu. The other sailors ii;ivc her clear steer-way as much as they 
 K.'Uld. beiuir .iicnrnu"!!, everyone o" them. 
 
 lint I could not resist tlie temptiition to st(>er my natural course 
 rii:lit by her. I'or I felt it an honor, and a bri>:hteiier to the day. 
 to pass within hailinj:' distance of the hem of her ju'ctty dress. 
 
 AVheu I yol into my master's c;iiiin. blessed if he didn't seem blue 
 too :— 
 
 "Avast there my hearty." s;iid 1. For I tliort I'd ort to choer Mm 
 up. " C.'ire killed a cat." 
 
 " Don't fret your hcart-sti'inu's into fiddle strinjrs over nothink at 
 all." I .Mdded. "There's as piod tish in the sea as ever cum out of 
 it." 
 
 .■\nd tliere's nothiujr on land Avorth a tinker's curse for frcttin:; 
 over. 
 
 Live in hojies if you <lie in des])air. 
 
 Drive dull care away. 
 
 There's worse stomic-akes in the world than y(uirn. you bet, even 
 if you had been liviu' off cold drawn castor oil and li.it cucumbers. 
 
 " Xovor say Di." as .Tuplter said when Dianner ran away from im." 
 
 " Yes." sez he. 
 
 And the darkest hour of the night is the one just before moruiufr. 
 
89 
 
 And every cltnid Ims n silvery linin;;. 
 
 And lieliiiid tliecloiids ilie sn!i is still sliinin;;. 
 
 It is only the shadows of this earth of dirt that hide it from llie 
 view. 
 
 And lliis world too shall pass away. 
 
 Time and Tide wear ont tlie lon^'est day. 
 
 And y:iny;er will taste hot in tlie montli for all that. 
 
 Shall I ;.'ive yon any more V 
 
 " N'aeant clniff well meant for yrain." Hilly my hoy. 
 
 " Yes." said I. " Vacant chatT to a vacant mind, and cold kail com- 
 fort to a licart st me-cold witli despair, or icy willi seltishiiess.'" 
 
 Let's 'ave a sonji. 
 
 And so \\v saiiK tojjether in mnson. I look the son;:, ami he made 
 some irrelevant noises, wlucli he called " Sin^iin;: a second Ix'iow." 
 and ve sany: " 'I'he .Minute (inn at Sea." 
 
 " 'I'liat .song's lirst rale." said lie. "I feel belter already, and now 
 ;:ive me a soU'f." 
 
 " Soler ! '■ .sed 1, "what In L's tliat." 
 
 A soler is a son« wicli a msin sin;:s l)y liisself. witliont anyone els 
 to "elj) 'im. entirely Ivy 'imself. and ail alone." 
 
 " In that case. I'm your man." se/, 1. •" 1 doii'l want nobody to 'dp 
 me. Slionldn't every liili stand, or sit. on its own lioiiom '.' " 
 
 And so 1 yuv liim llie soii^' of 
 
 Till-: Foru-cuoss fla«;. 
 
 " -Non nos timidi pro jvatria mori." 
 
 " \o craveiis we to fear 
 For Canada to di '." 
 
 There's a tlay: that's l»rav(-d some humlred years. 
 
 nnr fair ("anad'an breeze: — 
 Shall cowards bid ns hanl it down, 
 
 l'\)r lielf. or self, or ease V 
 
 Unn np the fla« I loni;- let it wave ! 
 
 Till knaves and cowards cease ; 
 It cannot float above a slave, 
 
 It only tlshts for peace. 
 
 Chorus— Unn n|) the tla;;. 
 Ye Ho. Yo Ho— 
 Kun up the fla« I Ye Ho '. Y(> Ho. 
 
I' . , 
 
 I i 
 
 40 
 
 U\ixh\ I'oiiiKl ili(« wurlil. s.ddd Ifjiiriics. ~ 
 
 oiii- Mriilsli (Iniiii Im-jHs uip ; 
 From pule to pole. s.ti(M» inil»'«, 
 
 nnr I'liion .ijuks u'riiap V 
 
 ^^■illl l(.,viil Idvc cjicli soul sliall liiii-ii. 
 
 Wh.ilcvi'r r'iilc imi.v (•(iiiic ; 
 !^'''«''-i Ilt'-ini(> oiir hcjirly slijill nn'ii. 
 
 To ('niiiiii-.v. I.ovc iiiHl lldiiii' : : 
 
 *' M'licn' did ynii iii'\ 111,' simy '; " 
 
 " Ifs 111,, soiin- or til,- Cii nil dill II Xiitioiiiil r.i.jiuiic. It's SckcivtiiiTv. 
 
 •'■ '''"'' '•■' "'■ '•' '■'•»'•'■■ llMllird KihImTSOII. who lll,.ss..(l with IIS ul"„' 
 
 d;iy in ili,' InrcsM. on ijir shii« " ("jiiiinlii." unv,. it t,, uv: 
 
 And til.. ii,..\l .lay w.. h,.:ir,l Miss Oliv,. An^vlo a siiij^iiij;- it to li,.r 
 father in tli,. «'ai)taiii"s Cabin. 
 
 -Tliafs a w.Tiy u.iod soiii;-." sv/. ji... "an.! worry w.-U sun;;. Why's 
 it called the • 1 oiir-Cross I'lai,' " V • 
 
 "Von ask," sez I. -1 suppose, he.-aus.. yon want to answ..r vour 
 own .|ii..sti..n yourself." s,./ I. •• So liiv away. (tii.. of tli.. .•ro"ss..s. 
 I sui)iios,., means Hi,. ii,,i ,.n.ss buns w.. eat on (ioo.l Friday." 
 
 "Xd." s.-z h... a blaziii- up lik.. a tnx.per. -'Th,. eros,s,..s" are tli- 
 erossesof St. I.onis. St. I'airiek. St. AndiTw. and St. (Jeoi-v. Vuih.'V 
 these, i:ii;:Iisliiii,.|i Frenehnien, Scot, •Inn, .n, and. b(.st lit,.rs of tlie 
 lot. irishineii, hav.. Ireen -lad and proud t(. tiirlii, blee,l and di,.. 
 And hav..irt w.. Injuns shown ours,.lv..s only lo,. ;;lad and proiid t-i 
 bleed and die under "ein too y " 
 
41 
 
 CHAPTEll VIll. 
 
 THE YARN OF THE MAD PARSON OF MAIDENHEAD. 
 " A pUms and a iialnful pvcnchei"." 
 
 " \oii scciii ratlii'i- (lull this iiioriiinj;-. i.) 1 aud iiilty pott'iitatc 1 " 
 said I. " May I spin ti a yarn V " 
 
 " S|iiii away. Hill." nvd 'c, aud lie laid liliusclf in his lianiiniH" aud 
 pi-cpart-d to tfy aud txo to sleep. 
 
 Aud I spiui hiiu tilt- yarn *>( 
 
 "THE .MAD rAUSO.V (f .MAI DEMI HAD." 
 
 1 woust had to lay by. alter <'ape Coast I'evef. I cort it liy not 
 sh'epiti' uioi'e than tit'teeu feet aliove deck, tlifoo the i^'uofauc(> of 
 the Ship's DcM'tor. wlio oi't to iiave insisted on our doiu;: so. .\ud 
 I suidv so lo,.- iu my elTorts to eru my liviu'. that 1 hired as se.\taut 
 to a Chureli. I kep' u]) luy self-resiuvt by makiufr au e.xpress 
 stii)(M)lati(m that I never m-ed «<» into the Church, hut sit iu tho 
 basement. There I cood cer all as was a«oin' on up above, and 
 there smoked my |iiiie while the ole man w;is a " turnin" the liaudle " 
 upstairs. 
 
 Well, the i)arsou was a simple kiml ot" a ciis. I mean customer. He 
 had been a l)ij-' scliolard they sed. Hut uiity little he had to show 
 for it. When lie w:is a readiu' iu the three-decker, he was alius a 
 thiid\in" of suthiny: else ; ami wcu he wrote his sermins, he some- 
 tiuu's wrote what lie Ihort, aud not wat he ort to thiidv. lie uiiide 
 Merry fuiniy beefsteaks stuutinu's, sure-ly. 
 
 Once, two leaves of the bij; prayer-liook kinder .stuck together, ami 
 he red out : — 
 
 "The wicked shall flourish lik(> a sreen "' 
 
 and then he turned over the twoleaves which were stuck together. 
 
fc : 1 
 
 :/ 
 
 I ( 
 
 \ 1 
 
 42 
 
 .■Mill i>ii llic inj) uC ilir Iciif lit' (li(lii"l orl to li:ivc mnifd dvcr, the 
 \\rrr.\' lirst wui-d of the IciiT \\;is llic woi'd " liorsc." 
 
 lie liclcviiicd Ins i ln'ows jiiid lunifd llic \\\n jiM^cs liiick ;i;;;uii to 
 st'c if lit' had made -i inislak''. 
 
 " Vcs," said lie, •• ii is iioi'sc." 
 
 And 111' i-i'ad i-i'slyiu'dly. 
 
 •' Till' wicUrd shall llmirisli liki' a j^rrrii hay linrsc." 
 
 And aiKilhiT day li<' r<'d : 
 
 " 'Plii'si' i\\i> liid iiiilU a lii'ai' unlit Alirahani." and we all tlior; 
 Alii'ahaiii niiis" ha' hern wrrry "ard up Inr a cdw, to ha\i' to niilU a 
 lirar, and thai tlii' hrar must havi' hri'ii iiiosi < •a;i('ously wioimt 
 and w Irious for it to take two nu'n to milk "'-'r. 
 
 And oiii'i' hi' rrad : — 
 
 ■■'rill' wirki'd Hi'a -when no nim imrsui'th - is as bold as a lion." 
 Ami I ilioi'i the lleas in thi-m days wo/- mity like the tlras in my 
 liordin' "ous. And I tonld "ini almui it. and srd I ihort ii a con 
 tii'matory prooi' of ilir tnilli ol' the Sri'iptufes. ami hi' iart'i'd tit to 
 split, and said nuthin'. 
 
 Well, one < Jood l'"i-iday he let the eat out of the l>a;r, 'Mu] a si)akin' 
 alioni the .iuil.L:ini'ni day. he let out what he feally thort u|' that 
 niattef. lor he said, niiuhty soleiii :-- 
 
 And in iliat day the fiuliteons sli;ill shine forth as the lijiht, and 
 the wieUeii sliaU i:<i to the |ilaee apiiointi'il fof tlieiii. whiiii is jiroh- 
 alil.N' nowhefc. 
 
 Itiit as I'of poor ordinai'y siniiei's like .\on and me, it is to lie 'oju'd 
 we sliall I'seape ill the .uencfal confusion." 
 
 ■■ Did not the (■on;:fei:alion ohjeet ".' " yon may say. 
 
 Hless .vef soul, they didn't mind it. 'I'liey I'atlu'f liked it. 
 
 \\ell, the Kei-ior otic day asked nie to uo with him to baek liim 
 up. as hi' had a terfihle hai'd job to do. 
 
 'riiefe well' two brothers, twills, named Chambers. Albert (Miaiii 
 bers. and .lolm ('hainbers. exactly like one anotlier. In fai'l. one 
 was so miieli like both, that .\on couldn't tell t'other from whii-li. 
 
 Now. .Vlbert ( 'h.Miiiliers had an old leaky lioat in which the Kector 
 and I had. been one day very nearl.v drowned, and carried away b.\ 
 the Hoods. 
 
 .\nii Joiin Chambers had lost It's wife. 
 
 .Villi the Kecior hid me .s:o with him lo condole .lolm Chambers on 
 the loss of his wife. 
 
48 
 
 Well, he iiit't Albert < "liMiiibcrs. who IkkI lost his liojit, and thort 
 ho Avas .lohu. and says he :— 
 
 "1 inur't condole with yoii on the terrible loss yon have snstuinod." 
 
 " I^)ss : ' cries Albert. " I- don't call it a los '. She was only a 
 rotten oh' tub anyway, and t;'ood for nothing'. 
 
 And the parson tnrns his back on him, raises his 'amis to 'even 
 and ', xclaims :— 
 
 "(»h I the ontspoken heartlessness of these working' men !" 
 
 'I'heii he meets .lohn. who had lost his wife, and .John comes up 
 to him. and pnllinu a Ion;: face, sez to him :— 
 
 " I have "ad a terribh> loss, yoiu' Uevei-ence, since I saw .von last." 
 
 "Loss!" cries the Parson. "1 don't call it a loss. She was as 
 old as they make 'em. and she was no use anyway I" 
 
 And .lolm raised his 'ands to heaven and exclaims :— 
 
 "Oil ! the oiitsitoken heartlessness of these ere parsons!" 
 
 And my master never fonnd ont his mistake. 
 
 ^\■ell. one da.\' he preached on the jiroofs of the lOxistence of (Jod. 
 And he utiv ns all the hinlidel aruiiments a^xainst there bein' any 
 (Jod able to make this wnrld wni'th li\in' in. 
 
 And lie uiiv them to ns. all fair, and sipiai-e. and ship-shajie. took 
 ri^ht unt of their booi<s. and then lie said it only needed a few sen- 
 tences to demolish the whole lii'ewin' of 'em. 
 
 Ibit. I.oi''. bless yej- sole, the stuff lie woiiiid Up witli was so weak 
 and watery. I ihori lir was kinder hiroiiical." 
 
 And as I was a coiiiitin' o\cr the cop]»ers from the collection i)la(e 
 in the westr.v. lie a takiii off his surplus, se/ i in lijiii. sez I : 
 
 " I 'iimbly bei: your i)ardiii.i;-. sir I" sez 1. " for 'umldy disa^M'eein^ 
 witli a mit.\- liiuli scliolard lil<e yourself, imt. 1 iliiiik tliere is a (Jod." 
 And he larfed lit to split, and said quite cliecrful like : - 
 " \'ell \illiim." sez he. ••I'll try to do better next time." 
 
 lie was a kindly man to work foi'. he was. and always i>aid me 
 my waycs. re;,Milar." 
 
 " .Now. sir I " sai<l I Im tlie rarsee. •• I to you think there is a <!od '.' " 
 .\nd he said : " 'I'liink it. William. 1 know it. .\iiy man knows 
 
 it, who will oiil.\' wall< and talk with him as I'hioch did." 
 Kut if you want to liave it in proof, iliat no loL:iciaii or critter who 
 
 aiiit lost his reasons, lan dare to i:aiiisa,\'. I'll wi'ile out the proofs 
 
 for yon in Silly .listic form. 
 
t 
 
 ^ I 
 
 i \ 
 
 44 
 
 And wJion u'vc copied 'cm out in your host handiitlu', and lornt 
 'em by 'art. wicb is tlie only way to understand them, you can belay 
 your ropy to the belt in the Chains, at 4 bells, some fine morniu'. 
 
 Then if any misguided youny female should come alon^', a minute 
 or so after the bell strikes, here liis little almond-shaped eyes moist- 
 ened, unless I an) werry much niistakeu, with love, and awe, and 
 tenderness, she may Hud. read, mr.rk, leani and see if she ean de- 
 tect any I'ndistributed Midilles in my Silly Jisms." 
 
 What on yarth he meant by undistributed middliuKs, I could not 
 conceive, but them's very words. 
 
 And .Miss Olive fomid that there precious M.S. cojjied out by me. 
 I tliort I saw her kissin' it as she carried it past the anchor-capstain. 
 Wich I took as a mity compliment to my handritin". 
 
45 
 
 CIIAPTEU IX. 
 
 " Lnok'st at the stars, my Star ? ( ) uoii'd that 1 were the heavens, 
 Starrj- wi.sli infinite eyes, gazing, still gazing at thee." 
 
 ri,ATO. 
 
 M 
 
 HOW TO BE A "lOUO AND A HAUTEST. 
 
 " Well. Williaiii my Ikiv." siii<l he. one day. after I liiid Riven my 
 usual rei»(>rt of the health and appearance of a certain yount: lady 
 \vhf> shall l»e nameless. 1 had happened as usual to see her, unseen 
 myself, as she sat in the Chains at her morning duty, as I passed by 
 the cajistain. on n;y way fnun the fores'! to the aft cabins :— 
 
 " Well. Wilyum. my hoy. I have sold my shadow. I sujjpose to the 
 devil, like Vi^or Schlemyl. for I lind that I can have at a wish uny- 
 thin>: 1 want, and anylhiny: my friends want." 
 
 "And is there anythinjr you want. Willyum V" sez be. 
 
 " I want to Ite a "ero and a hartist." se/, I. (piite eagerly. 
 
 "Will. Hilly my hilly ;:ojit '." sez 'e. " T'r already a 'ero. For 
 everyone who tells the ti-tilh and is 'onest is a 'ero. By 'onest I 
 meiin a man who is not mean eiiuf to take s(»methin>; for nuthing, 
 as Lord Uoseberry is. and the Prince of Wales, and all other betters 
 on horse races, and what i)layers at cards for money and all gam- 
 blers and lottery-men are mean enuf to condt>scend to do. 
 
 Ilaz to being a hartist. that's simple eniif. 
 
 Firstly, go in for a course of moderate training, as St. Paul did. 
 I mciui the training of a sprinter, or the oarsmen in a College Eight- 
 oar at Oxford. (iei your body into a i)erfect state of uproarious 
 health. 
 
 rn(ler-d(> it rather than over-do it. The artist inclineth to a cer- 
 tain fatness. 
 
 Then stay at (».\foril. and cnmbine a study of osteology with ii 
 daily copying of the marvellous "studies" of Michael Angelo uud 
 Baphael in the gallery there. 
 
 iil 
 
1 : 
 
 • ] j 
 
 46 
 Then (IctiM'iiiinc to be a ctiniic artist, for tliat scciiis to b(> vonr 
 
 «ift. 
 
 Ami ili(> iruf coiiiit artist, iiiiiiil yon. is in tlic vcrv liiylii'st 
 
 walli or tlio art. .lust as Arist«ti)haii(s. Switt, .Molicrc and Sliakiv 
 siK-aro. Ct'rvantcs. Lt'sa>,M'. KuilM'r.soii (tin- wittiest (»f tlit'iii alli stand 
 at tlK' head of all literature 
 
 The comic artist can chan^'c a dynasty. — Harper did tins in sconi- 
 iiif: Tammany. And lie can lielii to reform a nation, as Iloj;arlli 
 did, and dear old ("rniksliaid<s. my father's friend. 
 
 For llial pnritose have tlie masleri>iec( s of tlie leadin;: comic artists 
 constantly umliM- your eye. and l)ein.:: coitied or emulated liy your 
 
 hand. 
 
 Tlieii raise \(iur ;;'eiieral intellectual love to tlie level of vonr 
 
 work, b.v readinji' daily a ]iortioii of one of tlie ten best Itooks in the 
 world, and learnint;' ;i few lines of them at least : — 
 
 What's the best books in the world 
 
 d I. 
 
 Sell he : The Bible, Sliakespeare. Fred. \V. Uoiiei-tson. St. Fran- 
 cois (Ic Salles, Tennyson. Haute (in Carlyle's version). Carlyle. Homer 
 (Chaiiman's or any other version). Marcus .\ntoiiiuus. Tlie Imiiaiion. 
 Hpictetus. 
 
 Then keep doin;;' a litt'.e work for the liest and purest paiier tliat 
 will pay for it. 
 
 Then also you must have a readiui: acipiaintance with T-atin ami 
 <Jreek, so that you may stand on the necks of tJrcek ami Uomaii 
 thou>ilils. moral discoveries, and art. 
 
 rerhajis. to be;;in this. 1 may as well f,'ive y<iu an inklinj; of the 
 sound of tlie ocs and es of that noblest of all lan.miajres, CJrt-ek. 
 
 I will Kive yon a hitln-rto unknown cliorns from one of Aeschylus' 
 lost plays. 1 will uive you its sound in my new ph<uietic siielliu}::. 
 'I'his will, 1 li()|)e. lielp to make the lOn.ulisli lan;iua^'e universal--as 
 the lOuf-'lish lani-'uajzc soon would be without it. And then I'll yivc 
 you the translation. I'or a real (ireek ami Latin scholar can trans- 
 late anythiuy:. 
 
 A LOST CllnKFS FROM TIIK ("llOFFFOUI oU rOT-BKAUKUS 
 
 OF AFSCIIYLFS. 
 
 "O ! Anna Anna ! 
 Sujrar. o Polly ! 
 Mean, dirty I'ompey ; — 
 Dinah— he kissed her. 
 r.amp I Mh ! Lamps * )li ! 
 O ware ol" war f(U" many various reasous. 
 
1111 
 
 in: 
 
 1110 
 
 . 47 
 
 (!rci|ii). (JfciiK). Kclx'lc Acha 
 
 KyrrcilHiii. 
 ntatui, (Jiaidi, otatiii, 
 
 O 
 Totapoi. PotM|M>i. Potapoi. 
 
 I'u : 
 
 Tilt" saiin- Kiiyriislu'd :— 
 
 U Kiuv: : Kiii« ! 
 
 O City. City ! 
 P'or may the pn)('('s«<i()n 
 
 By no means have so iciril)!!' a wash ! 
 I shine. I will (even shine — 
 
 < » war*' of \vai\ 
 For nian.v warions reasons, war. I cni'St' thee 
 I ^'rab. I will iri'alf. 1 lia\e yralihed, I did grab. 
 I Matoi : ( Matoi : ( ttiiioi ! ! ! 
 
 oil : : : : 
 
 Totatol : I'otatoi ! I'otato 1 
 To. 
 
 X(»'n:s. 
 
 Line 1111. — Thf Kin;: alluded to is the late Ueetof of Lrvis, i'.Q,. 
 so well and gratefully known to tjir poor of .Moiitfeal. ijic Rev. H. 
 A. W. Kinj:, to wir. 
 
 Lines IIH'.. 1117— (Jive in a I'ew ufaphie. awiiiUy |ii'o|ilietic. Aeschy- 
 lean words, the wholi' i»rinie priiici|ilo of ail iiiodrrn wars, and all 
 American oonnnerce ;— (Irahhins. 
 
 This chorus is susiiect^ ' liy Hoiid and other (Jreek scholars to bo 
 sjinrious. l-'or the rniil,..-.ii. trasii and nonsense, it is not nearly so 
 rubbishy, trashy and nonsensical as the othep ,\escliylean choruses. 
 
 " .\iul now. Hill.v iiiv liilly uoat." sez 'e. 
 
 " Now for the tail to the wliolc IkkIv of my aihice. wliich tail is 
 bi;:;:er than the body. lc;;s. and all. like the (Tall of tlic .\iici-'iit 
 MarimT.i 
 
 To be a 'ero and a iiartist. you must u'ct " A Star."' 
 
 Won't one of them uicteofs do. |)lc;isc sir '.' sed 1. " Falliii" stars 
 jire 'ard to catch witliniit a boardin'-ni't." 
 
 " r don't iintlercumstimdde. lliiiy." sez 'e. 
 
 " Let me sjiin u a yarn to show what 1 means. 
 
\>i 
 
 1! 
 
 1 
 
 I • 
 
 1 ! 
 
 1 
 I 1 
 
 < { 
 
 48 
 
 When 1 was nt (JharU'slcy Hjill. Oxford. fluTc was a curious old 
 pcrfi'ssor uanicd Soh' of All Souls. He was I'kally as famous for 
 Ills (H'contrk'itii's as ho was for his uui(iui>. profouud aud intrkato 
 atMiuaiutaiict' with flic <!n'<>k i)articl('s Mon and Do* 
 
 " Woll 'o used to ask every froshuiau he could tumble on, to break- 
 fast. 
 
 And wh«n the freshie had Ixh'U utterly dund) founded by j;ood old 
 Souls never sayin* a sinjjle word 'imself, and sayin;: still less in reply 
 to an.v innocent n'uiark the youn;: feller niiKlit make hisself : — 
 
 The I*erfessor would .jump up, and seizin' the young feller by botli 
 hands, and sawinj; "em up and down, would say : — 
 
 " Hxeuse nie. sir. but have y(ui ;;ot a Star V I ask u. Have you 
 jxot a Star. youn>; man V " 
 
 " Star ! Sir I Star 1 " the youn>: feller would say, a 
 
 feelinj; in his pocket for the missinj: luniin.'iry, or Newspaper." 
 
 " Yes, sir ! a Star, a 
 
 " Bright, rarticular, Star ! " 
 
 I had a Star, young man, such a Star. No stich Stars are made 
 now-a-days. young man. And she k<'itt me rtraiglit, in spite of 
 numerous inlirmitii's. and my turiiin" .Mahomedan for a year or two, 
 all my college course. 
 
 If you haven't got a Star, Young .Man, (iei a Star. (Jet a Star. 
 
 " And lose no lime about it." 
 
 And so Willy, my toi)-sawyer I If u want to be a 'ero and a har- 
 tist, u choose the right kind of young woman. Choose one intinilely 
 above you, like what the (Jermans call a " llimmelsbild." or Image 
 from Evven. choose one you would fi'cl you desecrated if you spoke 
 to her. 
 
 And u know. Willy. I've been all over the world and sitent a lot 
 of time in (';ina<la. and the briglitest of all such stars are to be 
 found in the cities of <J<i<'bec and Montrciil. in that there coiuitry. 
 
 Uut don't yon talk to her, I'.illy. foi' loo long logelher. or make love 
 to her t<M) familiar, or. as Schiller says. "The dre.'im is long, the 
 awakening short." and yon may lind yourself so\n"ly undeceived and 
 bittmi.v disappointi'd I" 
 
 And I wondert'd whether I'riscilla r.anxiuin. .Miss Olive's maid, 
 camo u)) to that there dellnilion. 
 
 .And I have been .-i wondering ever since. 
 
r 
 
 ■ \ 
 
 49 
 
 CIIAPTEU X. 
 
 THE PAUSEP] SICKENS. 
 
 Tho dovil was sick : fh<^ devil a monk would he 
 Tlio devil was well :— the devil a monk was he. 
 
 -Folklore. 
 
 Ono moniin^r aftiM- our usual sparring bout and dundt-l)ell and 
 club exercise was over.— for he always kept himself as yaunt as a 
 jrreyhound and in trim for a li>:lit\veij.'ht cliampionsliii). and as hai)py 
 as a i)ilot-sij;nal. Well, one morning'. sen-1-to-him-sez-I :— 
 
 Are you afraid to die V 
 Wilyam ! 
 
 ses5 he. "do u kno what tliat witty prophet of yours. 
 Paul sez. when he wants to say. ' Mind you. I am only boastinj;.' " 
 
 " If .v<m had tliort I knew, sir." sed I. "you wouldn't hav askt me." 
 
 " Well. Willum." sez he. " He sez. ' I speak as a tool.' 'To boast." 
 witli Paul, was ' to speak as a fool.' " 
 
 To say. " I am not afraid t(» die." is to lioast. Tlie proof of tlie 
 luidden is the eatin;:. and lt>t not him tliat siiani(«ns his boardins; 
 cutlass for a. cutlin^'-out party, boa.st as Iiim who jrives it ui> to tlic 
 armorer after tlie fray." 
 
 " Wlien I am dead, Wilyam." sez he. with a wicked twiidde in 
 those little almond-shaiu'd eyes of 'isn, "When I am ded. Willum. 
 then you can say if T was afraid to die. Put n'memlter Will." sez 
 he. "If I di. remember no man is de<l till he's berrid. And don'l 
 you fret your fjizzard one hand's turn, till you see the Pnion Jack 
 snatched off. and me shot into eiiilily f.-itliom of water. For that's 
 about tlie distance a man sinks, a lloatinu i)ui'])endicoolar, with a 
 shot lied to his ))etitoes I " 
 
 These wer(> his werry w(U'ds, or soniethiii;: ditferent. And a mity 
 comfort they were to me, as I'll explain later on. 
 
 "Pill." sez he. "after a sitting' over the lire, and a chucklin' and 
 a srrinnin' to liizzelf. like a ape at a monkey show, for nearly arf-an- 
 our 
 
 III 
 
 m\ 
 
oO 
 
 r 
 
 » !; 
 
 1 I 
 
 i 
 
 " I?ill I" si'z 111', '• Do II think I look very wi'U this moi'iiiii;: V" 
 
 "Well, sif," sc/, I. "'riici'c seems to he suthiii iiiil.v curious a «oiu" 
 on in yoor i'ei(lik(Mius I'Meultios." 
 
 ••'riiai's it, Uill." sez lie. '•They are of coiu'se mity dose connected 
 Willi the liunieiMis, anil the iMnnerus is in the arm. ami 1 must havi' 
 sti'aiiietl m.v foi'eann in tryiii;; to reacli that tliefe suuli nose of 
 youi'ii. when we were a ho.vin' this moi-niny:."' 
 
 " Hill I " sez lie. " send for the doctor." 
 
 So the doctor cum. .Vml lie felt his pulse, and sed it heat mity 
 low. and lie was altojrether paie and out <<( soi'is. And then the 
 doctor blew his speakin.u:-tnini]iet ovei' his luims. front side. 
 
 And he |)tit liis ear to his hack side. 
 
 .\ud he thnmoed his left side. .Vnd if the lilt|(> cuss hadn't heeii 
 ill. the doctor would ha made him so." 
 
 -And then the doctof sed "he had ' dize nosed" 1dm at last." 
 
 Now the doctof who was a thifsiy sole, and the sole is always a 
 tliii'sty tish. .\nd the onl water the doctor took, was stroiij: watei-s. 
 And he took 'em early to clear his 'ed. And he had an amazlu' ec- 
 centricity of alius puttiiiji- the wron;^ medicines in the wroii;,' hottles. 
 And so we alwa.vs chuckled 'em out of the nearest, port hole, soon 
 MS they were served out. .\iid so when some i)ills for him to .uary;le 
 himself with, and a ;;allon .jar. lahelled lunar caustic, for him to 
 swaller. and a blister the size of a sky-s'l. cum. for the invaled to sit 
 upon, we .just wrapped iii) pills and jiar in tlie hlisler. and heaved 
 'cm all overlioard. 
 
 Well, that day he ate nuthin'. tho' he rattle<l out such a succession 
 of .jokes in an ever weakenin' voice, tliat I didn't kno wethei- to larf 
 or cri. But I .just kept busy and cheerful as he told me. For of 
 i-orse. I knew that if there was a even, that he. like Xelson. would 
 walk slap in. 
 
 And tlio next moriiiu.u: he sent and ask(>d the captain's l(>af. saying 
 •IB on the doctor had sed that he mite one da.v di o' shortness o' 
 breath, and that so he wood like to have a Symposium of the forcs'l 
 nie.ss. as it was mostly composed of old lishermeii. on the " Immor- 
 tality of the Sole." For the Sole is the kinji' of lislies. cos it always 
 swims in i»airs. 
 
 .\nd we nun of us lui wat a Symposium was, so we cum to tho 
 conclusion it was sunimat to oat. 
 
51 
 
 CllAl'TEIt XI. 
 
 Sd.MK IIAl'l'V DEATHS. 
 
 "All! Ciin-icU : " sjiid Di-. .loliiisnii, iMiiiitiii;: tu his line i)ictiir('s 
 and lii.xuriuiis siiiT<niii(liii.us. •"I'licsr arc ilir ihiiiir.s wliicli m.-ikc a 
 i<*jitli-l»( d liiird." 
 
 .My .MiistiT. thiit siiiiic ;it'l<'riiii(iii. ii.-^kcd iiic to iciid him t\ liltlo 
 fi)llt'cti(iii lie lijid iiad |)riiilcd ol' some Ilappy Dcjilhs. 
 
 I coidd not read tlit'ni. I iiad a sudden lit of snow-ldindncss, or 
 sonit'lliinu- of tlic l<ind. wliicli kept Mllin;;- my eyes willi water. 
 
 So I went and asked .Major An^-elo. if lie would let .Miss olive an 
 with lier maid to fead to a poor sick man wiio was exiiected to die. 
 
 And liie .Ma.jo!' ordered her off to do it. so shandy. I was half 
 ashamed I had asked him. 
 
 And below is |trinted what he asked her to read. 
 
 And as she read it. her deep eyes often moisieiied. ov<'r the subject 
 matter. 
 
 Mut she seemed to Iiave no sympathy witli tiie dyiiii: man. my 
 Master, who lay in his liamniock withotii saying- a word— lookiii;; at 
 her with half-closed. haiM>y eyes. 
 
 Her a|ii>areiit utter lack of feeliii;; for him surprised and shocked 
 nie at the tiiiii'. thon,t:li 1 undei'stood ji well enoiiirh afterwards. 
 
 THE DEATH OF YORK. 
 
 Kinj,' Hen. Well have we <loiie, thrice-valiant countrymen : 
 
 Hut all's not done ; yet keep tlie Freiicii the lield. 
 
 E.xe. Tli(> Duke of York commends liim to your majesty. 
 
 Kiui: Hen. Lives he, p)od uncle V thrice within this hour 
 
 I saw liini down ; thrice ui» auain. and ti^'htin;Lr ; 
 
 Eroni helmet to the spur all blood he was. 
 
 E.xe. In which array, lir.ave soldier, doth he lie, 
 
 Eardiiif; the ])lain ; and by his liloody side, 
 
 (Yoke-1'ellow to his honor-owin;z woiindsi 
 
 The noble Eaii of Suffolk also lies. 
 
 lli 
 
52 
 
 f. f 
 
 i I 
 
 1 I 
 
 ! I' 
 
 J i'Si 
 
 
 Suffolk first died ; iiihI York, nil iiii>;t;l('(l over, 
 Couics to liiin, when' in t^iH'c lie lay insl«'t'|>M 
 And takes him l».v tiic hi'jin! ; kisses tlu' Hashes 
 
 That 1)1 lily did yawn upon his face ; 
 
 And cries alouil, -" Tarry, dear cousin Suffolk ! 
 
 My soul sliall tliine keep cduipany to heavt'U ; 
 
 Tarry, sweet s(»ul, for iniu^'. then M.v abreast. 
 
 As. in tliis },'lorious and \vell-f(UiKhten tield 
 
 We kei>t toKcllier in our chivalry." 
 
 I poll these words I came and cheeri'd him up : 
 
 lie smil'd me in the face, rau^ht nu' his hand, 
 
 And witli a feeble jiripe. says. " Dear my Lord. 
 
 ("ommeiid my s»M'vice to m.v sovereiKU." 
 
 S(t he did turn, and over Stiffolk's neck 
 
 Tie threw ins woumled arm, and kiss'd his lip.s, 
 
 And so es)iousM to deatli, with blood he seal'd 
 
 A testament of noble-endiny love. 
 
 The pretty and sweet manner of it forc'd 
 
 Those waters from me. whicli I would have stopii'd ; 
 
 Hut 1 liad not so much of man in me. 
 
 And all my mother came into mine eyes, 
 
 iind >,'ave me up to tears. 
 
 KAHKLAIS. 
 
 " Ai)portes iiioi done nion Domino" Disait le bon i»erc, «mi mouriini 
 n' est ce pas vrai ipie " Honum est in Domino niori " Ualu'lais. 
 
 "Let us sin;; a laud, for is it not a ;iood tiling to die in tlie Lord,'" 
 said tlie dyiii^' I{;il)elais, and tliese were his last words. 
 
 A Kood mill! and a priest must have walked with <!od as his own 
 familiar friend for many years Itefore he could die trustfully witii 
 such a .jest on his lips. 
 
 SIR THOMAS MORE. 
 
 Sir Thomas More, wliose sin^'le blemish was tliat he sliowed him- 
 self, if anytlniiyr, too ridiculotisly loyal to his " ti^er master." when 
 bein^' execute<l for hi;:h treascui because he persisted in holding' his 
 tongue, instead of telling' a lie to please Henry VIII., was told by 
 the headsman that his beard was in the Wiiy of the axe. He 
 (piietly luished it aside, sayin;;. with perfect ^ood temiu'r, " I pre- 
 sume my beard hasn't committed hi^h treason." 
 
:)3 
 
 SOCUATES. 
 
 Sot-ratoa, wln'U 1k'1ii« oxfcutfd for ssiyiiiK that cvt'ry cultured iiuui 
 of his (lay thouKlit. after puttiiiK the (•(Hidiict of his accusers in as 
 excusal»l(> a linlit as possiljle, caluily (lraul< tlie iufusiou (if tlie liein- 
 lock phiut which was tlieu tlie means of capital piniishiueiit. Wlieu 
 the colli had nioiuited his le;;s and reached Ins body, and dealli was 
 al»solut»'ly certain, he (piietly told one of his discii»les lo " ).'o ami 
 olTer a cock to Aesculapius." the tlien (iod of Healing. A more 
 subtle flash of hinnor can hardly he imagined. It was as bris;:ht 
 and haiipy. as the " l>eja '.' " of the Freiicli wit to his dyiiiK friend, 
 who said he was "sutferinK the torments of the damned." was 
 hitter and almost tiendisli. Ae.sculapius was the most disreputable 
 and despised of all the (!re(>k Koddikins, as we learn from .\rislo- 
 I)hanes. and tlu' idea that he could cure one whose liody was stilfen- 
 luK with death, must liave .stn-med in«*.\pressiltly comic lo tlic man 
 who ever obeyed a Hijrher N'oice. ami loidvcd upon deatli merely as 
 that which would nuike him in all proiialiility (for he liad not tlie 
 Christian Certainty) ko where he would see his "(iuide, Counsellor 
 and Friend." face to face, and live willi him for ever. 
 
 HESSIK (JAINT. 
 
 The fuy:itive was save<l from dt-ath by an ancient matron of the 
 Anabaptist persuasion, named I01izal)eth (Jainit. 
 
 This woman, had a larjle charity. Her life was iiassed in ri'liev- 
 inj; the unhapi)y of all relijiious demuninatious. and she was well 
 known as a constant visitor of the Jails. 
 
 Her comi)assionate disp<isition. led her to do everytliin;; in her 
 power for HiU'ton. She procur«Ml a l)oat which took him to (Jraves- 
 end. where he jrot on board of a ship bound for Amsterdam. At 
 the moment of jiartiuK she put into his han<l a sum of money, whicli, 
 for lier means, was v»'ry lar^e. 
 
 It was uoi.sed abroad that tlie anuer of .lames was more stioii^dy 
 e.xcjted aj-'ainst tho.sc wlio li;irliored reltcjs. tliaii airaiiist tin- reliels 
 themselves. He liad |iutili<-ly declined lli.il. of all foiiiis of treason. 
 tlu' hiding <>f traitors from his ven;:eancc was the most imitardou- 
 able. Hurton knew this. H»> <lelivered himself uii to the Covern- 
 nieiit. and he ;,'ave iiiforinati<ui ai-'ainst Hlizabeth (Jaunt. Slie was 
 IirouKlit to trial. The villian whose lif(> .she had preserved, had the 
 heart and the forehead t<) appear as the principal witiies.s a;,'ainst 
 her. and she was sentence<l to the staki'. 
 
54 
 
 I / 
 
 • i 
 
 F.liz.-ilM'tli Ciiiiiil \V!is Imnicd iilivi- at Tylmni. She Idi n piipcr, 
 Aviillfii. iii(l:'<'il. in no uriiciiiil style, yet sikIi iis was read liy many 
 tlioiisaiuls witli cninpassioii .iiiil liorrnr. 
 
 '• My limit." slit' said. " was niic which a prilicr iiiis-dit widl liavf 
 ri»i-«iv('ii. I did lull rclicvf a poor I'ainily. and lo ! I imisl dii' for il." 
 
 To the last slif itrcsiTvcd a iraiiijuil coiira;:!'. whifli rt'iiiindcd tin- 
 sjHM'laloi's of ilic most hcrolf deaths of which llicy had n-ad in Kox. 
 
 NVilliaiii I'ciin saw i:ii/.al>clh tiaiini l.iiincd. He Jil'lciward rc- 
 lalcil tliai. when she calmly disposed- iht- straw al>oiii her in such a 
 manner as lo shoi'ien her sutTerin;;s. all the liysianders Imrst into 
 tears. Since llial lerrilde day, iio woman iuis snfl'ered death in 
 Kii;:laiid lor any poliiical olTeiice. 
 
 Inderiie.-illi iliis my .Master liati wrilleii in ids own liand. Iliusly :- 
 
 "Similarly since, a man roasted his ;:am(-coclv alive, hasiiny: liim 
 with his own hands, because he liad l)een del'eaied. cocl<-lii:lilinu; 
 has been a penal olTciice. Since ilie \ir;:in wept JH'iieatii the cross. 
 winnan lias bev;iin li) be ihe ei|iial or superior, instead of the slave 
 and toy of man. And llie Martyrs, biirni wluM'e I have reverenced 
 iJie cross in the iiaveineiii of Kroad slrei-l. Oxford, lil a lire in Kii-'- 
 l:iiid wliicli shall never die out till all shall cease lo believe thai a 
 man <aii swallow and di;;esl his .Mal<er." 
 
 .Miss olive closed the booli when she liad done, and left my 
 .M.asler's cabin, wilhoni a word, with eyes cast demurely down. 
 
 .Insi as she close<l the door, she Imrst into an. appaivnily uncoii- 
 irollable. lil of laufxhler. 
 
 I'oor lliin^' : Toor lliin;; ! 
 
r. 
 
 >k 
 
 . 
 
 I'RKl'AKINti KOU SVMI'OSH'.M (»!• TIIK KnUi'SI, MKSS 
 
00 
 
 CHAI'TKU XIF. 
 
 TIIK NOX A.MHKOSIAXA i»r TIIH FOKCSL M KSS. 
 
 "Aiitl a inTiiy mess ilic.v made i>( it." 
 
 t'aiiiaiii Ciidk. 
 
 Well, as r.mr Ih'IIs struck. \vc all lilfd. siniilc-lilcd. <>iit of tlic 
 foi-cs'l. up the loi-c-iaddi'f. alnii- tlic main deck, and as wc passed 
 the cliaius. tliffc was Miss <»li\.' at lu-f nrisoiis as usual. .\ud 
 kiiowiu" as she must lia" tuuml nut. that it was Just nip atid tuck 
 wctli.T our little iiasseiiu'er kicked or no. 1 tliort she miuht ha" shown 
 more feeling, f.ii- she larl'i till she shook all over, as she saw otu- 
 lifocessioii parsd. 
 
 We were each of us in mn- Miid carried ,„ir knife 
 
 and fork, as we did when .isked to a spread li.v atiother mess, havin", 
 as i sei!. cum to the conclusion that a Sim po syinn was suthin to 
 I'llt. All hut Tom riainsailin". who alwa.xs luiu to a conclusiitn tl"< 
 direetest liopposile of what everyhody else was. He stlioked it ov 
 and eitin to the idee that a sim po" syon was a soi-| uf .lapanee j'ar- 
 see Inin-ral-rehearsal. S,. lie ,ntn in his p)-to-meetiir .Meiimdis' 
 shore toi:s. .•ill black, all to.i l.iy for 'im. .•md .-i tail white li.ii witli 
 crape or suthiti black all round it. as .solemn as a tiiute at a berryin'. 
 
 Well. I had riirued tip the littl.' cidies cabin Just as he had told me 
 ••"'• ""■ liii'l had all the .aliiii hniii: with blac wimlers. ;iihl all 
 liulits lit. .\nd hammocks for e;nh member of the mess was slunu 
 
 •■" 'I'l 'li'' i.-ible. \\>v We had red ever (oticiher the article Simmy 
 
 posinin and Deipnon in ili,. Smith's "Dictionary ..f .\ntiipiities," he 
 had amoiiL; all tlie |iile n' liodx. that made up the main left of his 
 lu.irtfav'*'. Jitid We had found that the aitishuiits allitz li.'il dow li at 
 tlieir vittles, and pretty "ard work they uiiist er had a swalleriir of 
 'em. 
 
 And .-is for the vittles. he had a biy: pile of sea-biscuit. Just what 
 we had been a primiim- oiu-selves with in case a siin|tosyuni wasn't 
 iiiithinc to eat after all. 
 
 ,il 
 
t1 
 
 f- 1 1'l 
 
 56 
 
 And ill lilt" tiitlnT end <>t' llit- tiiltlc was llic oriicrcsr rdin'-ciul e.f 
 lllrss liccf .V(»ll cvcl' clMpM i's nil. 
 
 Nmw. jis ;i11 tilt' world Uimws. tlic href I'ui- iill the iiicu o' war, all 
 tlic world uvci-. is iiiadt' of old Miisiul cali-disi's. 'I'lial's a en/, (lit> 
 "ursfs arc worki'd ilii> "artlt-st ilicrc. and iln- iiavcmi'nis arc handed 
 Willi most iimrdcitmscst stones yon cvci" sec 
 
 And so lie had a little sij-'iial card sinck in the jnnk o" liecf, on 
 wich he had made inc rite in print letters, the first two lines of the 
 shanty we nmtter as we hook n|i the heel' out of the meat cask. I 
 mean of corse : — 
 
 "- your eyes, and your hones. 
 
 That rattled Ion;: oer Ihistol stones." 
 
 I''or he had told me to hlaiik out the swear words, as it was a 
 solemn occasion. 
 
 And <lacein-y I'oi-hids my lellin" wat he had stack up as a mixin' 
 howl, a crater he called it. Iieco/,. 1 supiMise. ii ori;;inally cum from 
 X'eslnivitis. Well, lie had a little clip round at tlie hottoni, so that 
 the drinker had to eiiiiiiy it entirely, and set it on the taitle. month 
 down, like a hooked shark on :i iiiMiii-dcci<. 'I'liis. lie said, was the 
 oriy;iiial shapi' ol' a tiimiiler. whicli was called a iiimliler cox, >i 
 iiimhled down when n tried to set it tip. .Vnd wlial tlie mixiure 
 lie put in tli.-it tliere mix in l>owl I never nil. for he crawl'd out o' 
 hed. and did it liisself wen 1 w.is out of liie room. 
 
 Hilt as ea<'li man took 'is cii|i. he drunk it down, and smiled tpiite 
 pleasant, and parsed the cii|i for me to till for his nahei-. and said it 
 was verry y;<HMl ami he had :iever tasted anyihiny: like ii afore, and 
 tliell lie muttered lliai he Iie\<-I' 'oped to taste aiixthiiic like it ai.'in. 
 
 hut as eacii swaH 1 it. he looked miiy hl.ic jii the feller who hail 
 
 just hreii a iiraisin' of it. and fell for his heli unite as If hi' wished 
 lo assassinate 'im. Hut when it cum to my iiirn, I just turned my 
 ha<-k oil ilie company, .-iikI poured it down hehind my helly-hand, 
 and chuckled tremeiijus. .Viid he had horred a skull from Mr. 
 Kacey liie l-lle-'triciaii. which he kept nailed up in his cai>in to study 
 liorsetcolouy from, to lav the foundation of ihe true science o' <| orin' 
 the "eds of "orses. 
 
 .\iid he had had the eh^ciric li;:lit arran.id so ihat tiny lit the room 
 thro" the isockets and iiose-oles. jiud yirlnniny teeth of that there 
 identical skull. 
 
 .Viid when 'roiM I'lainsailin' cI;iim1 eyes on the show, li- facee the 
 rest and crowed. ;is luilly as a yanie cock : 
 
07 
 
 "I told yi- it wiis ii I'MTSfc ruiit'ral pnictis." 
 
 And li<> iip])iiits nil' captain ami Lord I lladniiral ol' liti> bol(> cir- 
 cns :~" liai'hitcr hibcndi." lie called it in .lapii""''"- 
 
 Ami 1 nps and st'z :— 
 
 "Now. Mr. Uacc.v. ilii.s 'crc feast o" raisins and Ho er soIp, is to 
 discnss tlie liimnioiMality of tliat there identical amidiiliions shell- 
 tisli." a spi-elvin' tinjjerativly and i»ilin" in lu'pitbets that didn't apply 
 as the po- ts do;'.. For it was a sulenui occasion. " Wat's your 
 idee on this little snfctnnstaiice." 
 
 " Well," sed .Mr. Kacey. and he spoke quite serionsly. 
 
 "To nie tile ininiorlality of tlie soul follows, as an immediate d«- 
 diiction from tlie (Joodness of tJod. Tliere is an arfjnnient well 
 known to loy:icians wiiicli runs thnsly :— 
 
 " If tlieie are mole hairs on a man's he.id than tliere are men in 
 the world, two men at least have tlie same luniilier of hairs on tlu«i»' 
 pericranium. 
 
 Now. if a man sees tliis. he sees it, and you can't persuade him to 
 the contrary. If he <loii'i see it, he don't see it, and it's little nse 
 tryiiiy: to make iiiiii set> it. I'or it has never yei lieen reduced to a 
 series of syliajiisms. 'I'o me the Intiiiite and Internal Life of the 
 Soul follows as a direct inference from tlie (ioodiiess of (iod, at the 
 existence of such an intiiiite deli;rlit as music, ;iml such intinile 
 beauty as is to lie found in tlowi-rs. ;ind every pnre-mindei! and in- 
 nocent woman. Here we jill tliouy:lit of .Miss olive. All tlie really 
 ;;reat forces in the woi'id," lie addetl, •• are iiivisilde and not to I)" 
 toiiciied, tasti'd, handU'd or seen. Such are Kleciricity. Heat, I,iy:ht. 
 moral iiithieiices, such as enthusiasm and i>anic. rii.-iracter. which is 
 as identical with the Soul as concave is with convex, is Jnsi such a 
 force. I'or these t'orces ;iie known only by tiieir elTects, jiiid the 
 effects of Character are more potent tlian them all. ('liar;icter. as 
 Knskin has shewn, moulds a uross fonn as well as tlie exact unit 
 <d' the any:iiliir de>:ree of a crystal character raises most do;:s al»ov«* 
 the average moral level ,,{' hmiiaiiity. ( 'hiinicter will assimilate to 
 itself the very shajie of a man's or wom.-in's boots. .Vnd even if ilie 
 Soul were not Immortal, which it certiiiidy is. ii is our jiliiin duty to 
 .issuuie tliat il is. .-iiid .-ict on the assumption. It makes us wiser, 
 liappier and better iihmi. 
 
 And then iit-'iiin the rediictio ;id absurdiim li:is alw.-iys been ac- 
 kiiowleducd !i riy;id, loy:ical jiroof. .-iiid it must ilieieforc ite ackiiow- 
 led;:ed as |)roven, that the Soul is immortal. bec;iuse the idea that It 
 
'i 
 
 I 
 
 rill-; s\ Mi'Dsii \i ()i- iiii; i()ii(si. Mi:.ss 
 
59 
 
 is not s«». Ifjuls to iibsdluti- iibsiii'ilily. tn iillci- s('lf-liuliil;:fiu'c. utter 
 listlfssiu'ss. ri'ckh'ssiicss and suifidc. 
 'I'l'iiiiysnii liMs slic'wu this :- 
 
 This orli uf jii-fi'ii. 
 
 Wiicii Mr. Kaccy sat duwii. Turn I'laiiisaiiiii'. Iwiii"; used to spDut 
 at Mcthodis' praytT iiii>('tiii;:s. .jiiiii|)*'d out i>t° iiis haiiiiiKu-lv and spun 
 his yarn :— 
 
 "As to tin- Immortality of tlic Soul." scd lit', "I tlon'i tK-ny I'm 
 strittly a Mt'thotlis', -ht-rt' hf sttiwlt-d at nif— "ami tlu-rt'Ctir I'm 
 strittly orthodox, anti all that. OrthiMlttxy is my tlt»xy, antl '»'lt>r- 
 tloxy is siniihotly t>lsf's tloxy. .\s tn th striftly Mthoilis' antl lior- 
 tlioilox iltK-trini' alMtui tin- him.'. r.iLiy of thf Soul. I, of ftun'se, Im"- 
 lifvt's it all ami so t»n. antl Tvf tiit- hss tlillituliit's in swallfrin' it 
 a«-i>/ I don't initifrstanil it. 
 
 Hut as to tilt' plain ttimmon si'iisi- of llif in.itlt'r. whitli is tpiilf a 
 difl'i'it'iit thim:. it's .just tliis. Ctiti iiiailf a ItU of sidt's, ami Us 
 rank non.xfti.xf tt> sui)pt».st' llf'tl It-t 'fiii tli at't.'r lif'tl a math' 't-ni. As 
 stMdi 3IS wr tli. our soul yrtu's into sonifbotly i-lsi's stilc. ami liffoini's 
 a m'w fffftm-f. .Mtisfs ami tlic Hililf itst'lf spi-aU of lit'fomiiiK m 
 iifw fffft urt." 
 
 ilfii' hi' lookftl triumphant. 
 
 As lor punishim'Ut. tin' piinishnit'Ut t't)mi-s ttn as tin- man is :itiu 
 ally fnu'a;:ftl in sinniii'. .\s lit> is a ilriiikiii;:. :is hi> is :i imliiluin^ 
 liissfir to t'Xff.ss in jiny of the lusts of tin- llt'sh, tin- punishmt'iit is 
 a lit'intf .sttuvd up in tlic scfils of a <Mlaihf the next mornin'. or t'vt-n 
 of a rottinu of thf wiiidf lii>tly Ijitt'r nii wlifii tlu' tli'vil foit'tloscs 
 his mortt:.i;:t'. As apin'iitl ttt ii mt'ssiujitt' t)f mint'. \vht)st' vi-iy Ihsh 
 tiiriit'il l>l:itk iiml ilri>ppt'il in pii't-fs frtun is hotly in tlit* tSi'iifriil 
 Iltispiial at .Mtintrtal. Canatla. uht'it> \vt>'rt' a sailin' Iti. Hut lit' 
 was a hail un In' woz. .\ntl wlitii a man is ;i lyin" or a fhcatin'. In* 
 is .just a lowt'rin' hissflf in the si;ili'. whith is worst' still. Will, 
 wlii'ii Wf tli. of i-orsf. wf iloti't tli. any fotd knows that, wf just turn 
 into anothi'r animal, or hcntity. iff or lowi'r in thf si-alf o" crfation. 
 iift-ordin' as wt- raisfii oursflf iff or lowti- iti lift'. 
 
 Ilfi'i' ■limmy riaiii sailing. I'ri'shytfriiiu. .iumitfil up. with ihrftitfii 
 iim fori'tin;:i'r fxttniliil. ami fiifil : 
 
 •• Till' .\llt--':itiou is falsf. :ind tlif Allitftitor knows It." 
 
 " .No man tan hf savfil unlfss hf hohls h.inl ami ftist— stfui ami 
 stt'i'ii— by tin* Wfstminstfr Catffiiism, as I tlo." 
 
 •• Hut wh:it it tt'nfln's, I ihm't know ami I iloii't tiiff." 
 
GO 
 
 ':H 
 
 This is «()<)(1. tnu'. i)l;iin sailin' l>.v tlio comitiis. uud any man wlio 
 sails (litTcrcnt, don't l\no\v nothin' i>' navi^'ation. 
 
 Kut as for tlic stiff. soun(i, ortiiodox .Mt'tlKHJis' tloctrin on lliis at 
 all otlHT snbJtH', of conrsc. I iM'licvc that too. ovory word of it. tho* 
 as 1 said afon*. I liavn't llic least idi-a wiiat it moans. 
 
 "And now. passenger." .scz I to the Tarsoc, "you l(M)k a nnly sitflit 
 tot) ill to spwik," here tears almost cum to my eyes, and my voice 
 trendtled in spit of all he .said al)out Uee])in' my peeker up. and so 
 forth, so Jnst Kive us that little treatis. u must hav been a ritin on 
 this subjec. or you w(M)dn't er asked us to this *<*re confabulation. 
 
 And 'e winked with one eye and pnUed out a little "monnerjrrarfs" 
 as lie called it. which will !ii)iH'ar word for word in the next chai)ter. 
 
 And 1 served round a copy of this 'ere moiinei'Krarf. neatly done 
 up in a biK envelojte. and directe<l in 'is own 'and. to eacli mend)er 
 of the m<'ss. and one over, witli an <> for olive, iu tlie corner of it. 
 An»l, if you'll believe me. inside each enveriojie was a liv<'-ptin note. 
 
 Au<l I sed :— 
 
 And now, Kontlemen, this is the hend of tliis eer lientertainnient, 
 and n may as well rei)ort for duty. 
 
 Thems was my very words, for wliy should I deceive you. 
 
61 
 
 CHArTKU XIII. 
 
 ' 
 
 PAKSKirs PROOFS t)V TIIK I.MMOKTAMTY ( »F THIO SOIL. 
 
 So-ciiUtMl proofs from Aiiiiloj:.v stay iiiiiiiy iniiids. IMil iinalo;;y 
 raiiuul. strictly spciikiii^'. provi'. Its chit'f us«' is to illuslraif and 
 to jrivc clear comprcliciisiou. 
 
 It is an old (|iicstioii :— " Which was made first, the cjij; or the 
 hen V The answer may he that the >.'erm-ef.'>: was the H;erni-hen. 
 and the «erm-hen was the «erm-e]U'>:. The nnclens of an aioiii of 
 rotei»lasm divides. It starts a new and second call. The two cells 
 snhdivide and make many cells, which assume the shai)e of a bay: or 
 stomach, and lo ! the lirst two stap's of tlie human and all otlier 
 ainmal embryos. If the cells order themselves uitliont fonninj,' a 
 stomach, we have plants. 
 
 The {'Jin scM'ins a poor type of immortality, even when i;astertide 
 makes the ndml. 
 
 " Deliuhtedly believe Divinities, iiein;: itself Divine." 
 The Chy.salis is a far better instan«'e of coming to life a^ain. The 
 fact that in it the wind's are seen beneath the ceremejits. and that 
 the Iiulo-Cermanic instinctive adund»ration of trntii in\('sts angels 
 with winus ; that, proieedin;: from a " worm." it passes lhrou;:li a 
 |)ractical death to a win^red most hapl'.v e.xistence thai seems to 
 need no grosser, aliment, has always sei-med to (piick ima;:ination-<. 
 a fact rather of prelernattiral than of natural history. 
 
 The v»'ry (Jreek word " I'stichee." "a butterlly." was used by tlieiii 
 for " Soul." when the idea soul entered into one of their philosophies. 
 
 If has l)een .said above that Analogy cannot prove ; can only illn- 
 ndnate. 
 
 If, however, theri' be many known similarities between two ob- 
 .ieits. and if ii certain ciroumstanco prodtices a known etVect upon 
 
02 
 
 oiU" of iIk'Iii. \v<* iiPt' iimro <»r less JuslllitMl in iissuiniii^' thni ii will 
 IH-txliici' ii siiiiiliir I'lTcri ii|M)ii till' oili."-'. 
 
 This is iiicrt-ly in ii('<-onliiiii'<> willi tin- rniiith nT tlic lnj.'icii| :i\iiiiiis 
 wliicli lie ;is till- l)!isis ol" all iiHliictivc rciisniiiiiy; ; lo wit. that :— " A 
 will (••iiitiiKic In lie A. till siiiiiflhiii;: ncciirs tu slop it. Ajraiii. if two 
 objects pass tlii'oiiKli a si-rifs of slates with similar relations lietweeii 
 these slates, ami Hie one is observed to jiass into ilie oilicf slate as 
 a I'esiilt of the iasi Known term of tin- series, then we are Justilied 
 in assiimiim that wc will liml a similar resnli I'ollow, wlieii oliserv- 
 llllle. lo tile other olt.jeet in tile other series. 
 
 !• lowers have somelimes lieen held li.v tlie lii;rliest minds lo ulve 
 the hiyrhi'st indications and roreshadowmeins of (iod's piodness. 
 They may well. llierci.»re. lie expected to teach the hi;:hesl Inilhs. 
 
 .\<»w. plants are ' irii. y:row, eat. assimilate, hreallie. .self-hciil, 
 linht for survival, sleep and die like man. They sleep daily. Per- 
 ennials die aiiniiiilly. .Ndw. and this is a point Itotli to he iinohserved 
 — In winter, trees and other perennials do not seem dead ; they are 
 (lead. The only liviiij: pari of a plant are the live kinds of leaves 
 lind the cotiihiiim layer. Tlie " lieari " and ei)i<iermis are dead. 
 
 '• Dead jis herrings llial are red." Tliey can lie replaced liy brown 
 |»!iper. or. iis hidlow oaks, be almost doin' without, iiltojrether. 
 
 .Vnd yet. every sprinj:. tlie dead li'ec comes to life ay:ain. 
 
 So will m:in. if Ids cliara<-ler Im' sncli tliai il will lie ;:ood for him 
 to do so. 
 
 (iod is ;rood. Wlieii we die We can leave ourselves to llim to do 
 what is best for us to .-innihilaP'. to revive, to torture if lie will. If 
 the torture is to work for our moral yood- the oidy >;ood worth.v of 
 the n:ime then, welcome all. If <!oil could aimlessly torture. He 
 would not be (iod but the Devil. 
 
 IMnally. our niy;hlly sleep may well seem a niy:htly reminder .iiid 
 tyjie of death. .Nightly Jis it deliciously steals over us, and W(> 
 " ;;r:isp the boon n{ the tiods." let us thank llim. 
 
 "The fool hath .said in his heart, there is no (Jod," l>f course if 
 lie had not been :i fool Iw wouldn't have said il. 
 
 Disbelief in the existence of ji Cod. Disbelief in (Jod's ;;oodiH'ss, 
 ami fear of that self-contradictory absurdity, a material (It and 
 localised (Ii Hell, is a fre(pieni cau.se, -iind, therefore, of cour.se, 
 effect also of Insiinity. 
 
63 
 
 Wlio ciiu doubt (lie cxisti'iifp of Ctoil. 
 
 And lifif we hinnbly lic^' their piifdon for vcxiim llioir rlulitcvtus 
 souls— !»('},' pardon ii«iiin. tlu-y sn.v lln-y uiiv'nt ;:ot any of a notorious 
 military utMitloman in the Initt-d States willi Ivitii and Ixin, wlio. 
 liavlnj; a very earthly conifori tlieniselves. nial<e it a matter of 
 liavinj; nincii conseienee and coppers not »op|»ers sometimes— to 
 ^'o roimd talviny away from tliose wlio iiavi- p>l nolhin>r else, tlio 
 only i'oiisolalion they have their !»elief in (iod and Heaven. 
 
 Take the eas<' of that nnlilary Yankee ireiitleman. who. havini: 
 discarded the liilile as nninteresllny, devotes in his drawinj; room 
 a special table to itself to 
 
 l'i;i{U'LKS. I'UINCK OK TV|{K. 
 
 And wlien doinj: the lioiiors to the visitors who come to his shrine, 
 lirondly he points to it and says :— 
 " This is mv nil)le." 
 
6o 
 
 CHArTHU \IV. 
 
 TiiK i'ai{sp:i<: iuks. 
 
 " O tlu' luiin. the bliss of dyiiin." 
 
 — M. Aurclius. per Pop«\ 
 
 My dear master failed rapidly. 
 
 Miss (Hive-so far as 1 coiUd oitserve. witliotii seeming to ol»serve 
 ur««w more ami more hysterical. 
 
 Sometimes I faiu-ied slie had Iteeii cryiiiy;, sometimes slif would 
 brealx out into a tit of lauvrldn^', wlneli. in cases lilie this, is si> much 
 mon' distri'ssiny; tlian weeping; ami wailiu;;. 
 
 But I set'ined to live in a l<iud of dream. 
 
 1 <lid my work, for lie found me i)leniy to do. I tried to se«'m 
 cin'crfui. as »'veryone slionlil try to seem, in all circumstances, as 
 Ji mere nuitter of jdain p»od feeliuj? to otliers. 
 
 And wlien a nuin really determines to seem cheerful, he ttnds, 
 after a while, tluit lie lias actually l)een clieerfid witliout intend- 
 iii« it. 
 
 On the third day after Litl Yolir lirst sickened, his voice was so 
 weak I had to stand close to ids liamniock to liear him. 'I'lie d(K-tor 
 called, after tiie usual morning «lass or two (or six or .s»'ven Kla.sses) 
 which tail-ended his breakfast. 
 
 •'The patient's pulse." lie said, "had entirely ceased beatin>:." and 
 the heart had almost cea.scd to act. " Heats me ! " says he. " Tlie 
 sanjTuinai-j- "— h(> didn't use llie e.vact word " sanguinary,"— " little 
 fool actually doesn't seem to know euuf to die. He ort to ha' been 
 dead lonjr a>.'o. the blamed little cuss. .Itist like that dirty, foreign 
 trasli. If he dttesn't die wiiliin lialf-an-liour, I'll just throw up tlio 
 whole case." .sez he. 
 
 " You just t'o and soIxm- off." sez 1. " and come and try liim a>rin." 
 
 And ho went and soltered otf, and come and tried iiim ayin. And 
 a^xain he said the werry same words. 
 
(JO 
 
 'I'lif I'iirscr siM'iiit'd til lie ill a sort of " cnmci"," as tlif (loi'ldf 
 callcil it, uiialilt* to licar or s|H>ak. Tlicy seem to rail il a " cniiiei'," 
 when ilieir man hectimes a " yro-er," or it " Koriier." Hut lie Im-ck- 
 iiiietl III me and iiniiited to a .Maeaiilay. wliieli was (in the linttnni 
 liiiiiU slielt'. iipetieil il, anil made me read Kiii^' Cliarles' s|iniilvey 
 little dyinu tlare-up. wliieli always make me kinder like 'iin, tho' lie 
 was siicli an ini|iiideiit iiiimliu;;. inuly takiiii; all that was said of 
 the siilTeriii};s nf tlie Lord's Anointed, to Ids own lyiUK. ><i'lliMli, ur- 
 tereratie, old self. 
 
 The speeeli I mean, wiilcli lie lieu>:ed pardon of llie l,ords In walt- 
 Inu. for what ? 
 
 " For liein^ sneli an iinseioiialile time in dyin^." 
 
 After a while lie whispered to me to fetch the admiral and eaptaiu. 
 
 lie was very fond of llie Capl'n. Kop he was the best seaman 
 on the siiip. and my master always loved and respected the man 
 Willi was master of Ills trade, iie it eoiililer. caiitaln or carpenter, or 
 even parson. 
 
 .\nd iinr caplain wmild stay for two or tliree weeks at a time iu 
 his (iiliin. eitlier |irayin'. or playin' cril»l>a«e with the liadmiral— wo 
 never knew wldch. and so never could settle off tlie liets we luld 
 aliont which it really was. 
 
 And tlien lie would sally forth, and ^o tlie niuiid of the ship, and 
 show the otticers how every tliiiiK should have been done. For 
 ever.vtliin;; seemed to fail of lieiii;; done into up tlie handle, tliou;:h 
 tile hotlicers of course, tliori they knew everytlilnk. 
 
 .Mill lie y;ave the captain his ship's chronometer, worth some tCiti 
 or £70. as his last dyin' «ift, testament and testimonial. .\nd hr 
 ;;iiv the liadmiral a copy of the " Uools and Ue;;oolations of tlie ser- 
 vice," in which he had underlined in reil ink, with his own hand, all 
 the luteins and particoolars in whit-li tliey had been iieal«'i't«'<l <>'" 
 I'orjrotteii. and in every case to the disadvantage of us poor be^jjars' 
 before the mast. .And then lu> .sent for the doctor and the fat little 
 biK-bellied captain's cook, to hand them a let,';;ysea lie had already 
 rit out for them, ami to iiear his last words. And then he made 
 me draw back a heavy curtain he li;id to deaden the soniul between 
 Ills cabin and .Major .\ii;:elo's. For with this curtain drawn back 
 e.Mch could hear what was said in the other's cabin. 
 
 And 1 su|tiiiise this was to let the .Ma.jor hear his last dyin« speech 
 and confession, tliat the military m'Ut niiKld lake warnin' by it. and 
 ineud his ways and «ive up li:.-5 riintin'. ra;;in'. wicked ways of p»iir 
 oil. a cursin' and a ta^fiin' at .Miss Olive, like a blasphemous, bellow- 
 

 \ui: bull <>' Kashaii. as lu> wan. Jiist as If she hati l)i'i'n a coIIIit's n\\. 
 |ii-t>iitis, iiistrad of a saintly. siifTcriii' aiik'*'l Hk)' .It'itlliah's DaiiKliiiT, 
 n iM'wallinjr Iht WirKiiilty on tli<> (iiuirtt'r-(l«H'k. 
 
 Wi'll, llnTf was lilt' doctor. You k low all alioiit 'im. 
 
 .\ii(l till- rook, iir was a rt>uiilar plratf too, iii»t tit to < k Itoilin' 
 
 watcf. .\ii<l lu' iiH«»d to Kvt f -I ffoiii tlu' Imtclicrs not to condciiin 
 tlifir beastly ln'i-f, all lioin- an<. luistlc. short w«'lKlit, and as stiinuy 
 as <lialiii;; ^rcai-. .\nd he usi'd to cheat the men otit of their coiTee 
 ).'foiiirs. an<l ke«'|) 'cm for his own ;;ieasy, fat stomadi, wldch 
 seemed ai>l«' to diuest anytidnk. 
 
 Well, till- I'afsee lias a cliair put for "em. one on each side of Ids 
 haminock. 
 
 And tile dnctni- lie l>ra/,<>ns it out as Itold .-is l)i'ass. 
 
 Itut the cook he sets a ccdd sweatiii". and a trealdin'. and a eyeing 
 the elet'tric Muiit that dazzled out of the holler sockets id' the eyes 
 of the urinidn' Uiiplnu skull. 
 
 I'or nui' cniTee yrouii's was a wi-iuhin;; a evvy on Ids stuiumick. 
 
 .\nd the l';ifsec after ;i loui: silence, he lirckous 'cm to siaiid up, 
 and tlien lie takes 'old of their jiaiids. one witli Ids left uu the left 
 
 side (>( the liammnck. and t! llier witli Ids ri;;ht. and on the ii;;ht 
 
 side of the hammock. 
 
 .\iid he sez. cli'.-ir and distinct as a lii'il. suddiidy and quiic loud : 
 
 "Now. I die hiippy. like your jirophci .lesus Chi'isi. ;ii\\icu \\\>< 
 thieves : •' 
 
 And they both turns t:iil. :ind scouts from Hie i-imm :is if the ddiul 
 deaf eel was after them. 
 
 .\nd I f.iiicicd 1 'crd Miss <di\i''s silvery l.ai'f in the ni\i c;ibiii. 
 For wen slie did larf, she did l;irf. loni,' and loud and wliolc-soided 
 like a Jewel of a tiaisy ;is slie was. 
 
 .\ow. Tom riainsailiim w:is a uood fellow at hc.iri ; .-is ^ood as 
 dutr. 
 
 It touched him to the ipuc'.« thai a fellow whose life was all plain 
 Siiillnu with liberality, lovin;: kindness and selt'-.^acrltice thrown in 
 — sliojild tfo striiit-'ht to blazes like a sky-rocket, upside down. Like 
 a wise m;iu he determined to sit rit;ht down and smoke it over, 
 slowly :ind dclibei-alcly. 
 
 .\iiil he ;;uv up :i whole two hours do;: watch to it. willi two 
 spitters. one on each side of him none (d' your puny s|>itto(ins. spit 
 bo.xcs. (U" cuspidors, but a y;ood full size<l man o'-war spitter. bi;; 
 euoii};h to bathe a baby in. And he smoked two pipes at once, for 
 it was a .solemn occasion. 
 
GH 
 
 And the c-oiiclusi(in lie caiiu' to \V!is. iliiil he coiildii't cdiiif lo no 
 conclusion at all. 
 
 And so ill' invilfd all llii' dt'lliodicsscs oii hoard, to "A tJcUiTal 
 ContVicncf." And tiiry resolved to liold a re^Milar revival over the 
 dyin' iiauan. wiili a anxious hemli. llariuK HkIus, a hot room ti«liily 
 IKU'lied. ami all tlie other parinrernalia. 
 
 And they aske«l .ny opinion. And I said that :— 
 
 '• In a werry iiioiis lio<dv 1 had red ali>ud to my master." I did not 
 say it was Sint Au;.Mislin. tor a fear o' lousin" innerseni predjerdisse 
 --"tliat it sed. that the Lord • cfMild will all lliin;.'s, Itnl tliat one 
 tliinj,' 1I»' willed, was not to savi* a man wiiliont liis own eo-oi»era- 
 tion and consent;' it wa ;n"i i»erlite." 
 
 "And so I woultl a.slv the I'arsee's leave and free pertnissiou lirst 
 ItefoH' we rewived him." And lie ttdd me to lell "em lliai 
 
 " it would he ratlier mor;- to tlie pnrpose lo rewive him after In- 
 was d«':id." 
 
 Ami I heai'd Miss olive's silvei'y iau;:h liiroo llie partition as lie 
 said so. 
 
 Poor Kirl : Hiift 1 Clear daft '. 
 
 Ami llieii they asked liim if lie wonid receive a deimiatioii. 
 
 Ami lie said " Ves." 
 
 .\nd 'I'om I'iainsailin^: appointed liimsrlf a deimiation. 
 
 .Villi lie Wi'iil. 'ini hook in oi;e 'and. and ihree-iinarters of a llilde 
 in the otiier. Kor he had Ihiimhed his Itilile ri>:lit throo (Jeiiesus 
 into l>ent«'rononiy. 
 
 .\mi lie waved his arms, "im iiook. tliree-iniarters of a Bible ami 
 all. :iiid he lliimder(>d out : 
 
 •■l>yin' and im)ieiiilent sinner I I>o n kiio, do u kno, ilie dilTer- 
 
 ellce lielweeii llle .\o\\ and llie Hereafter'.'" 
 
 And m.\ d.vin' master raised liimself in his hammock and wliis- 
 
 p<'reil ill my ear, I loarin' out liie words as iliey fell from liis lips, io 
 
 Tom. so as lo lom-ii, maylie, ilie .Ma.jor's 'ard 'an ri;rlil lliroo ilie 
 
 partition. 
 
 " Stranger I 
 
 .\ir this a lime V 
 
 Air tliis a piae.- '.' 
 
 To ask a cnss coi'iindnims V " 
 
 IJiit. alas 1 the ma.ior's 'art was not (niicln'd, for he lnoke oiii into 
 a e.laeillatln' his dortei-'s eyes, nnd dorter's liver, all ".Xkos she in- 
 terrilpleded llie re.'ldlll' of the i;venin>r Service (o iiim. Willi ilij' 
 ridiekerlns and uncalled for larfter." 
 
69 
 
 X.B.— The Mnjor was a little 'anl o' 'carin, and couhi 
 not hear what was sod tlifo" tlif partition, tlio' his (!ort<T 
 could. 
 
 And tlu' Chaplain of tho ricct. -" The crowin', comical old 
 rcMistcr." as Tom IMainsailin" called Mm. had happened to read 
 Fred. U. Kohertson's sermon on "The K«'li.iiiis \oii-( Hwervaiice ot' 
 tlif Salihath." and, lired hy it. determiii(>d to save a liraml fiom ihe 
 i>\irnin;r. and a sole Ifom heinj; hriled. 
 
 And he primed hisself to make im IVrveiit. and lie said :— 
 
 "(> lost ami impenitent sinner! (► heathen. pa;;an and cainiihal ! 
 Excuse u\i\ sir." lie saiil. softly, a inlerruiitin" himself, for he was a 
 (ieiitleman at heart : 
 
 Kxcuse me, sir I Imt jire you a cannibal V "' 
 
 And my master f.^-ltiy wliispcred into my ear :— 
 
 '■rhristians, sir, aic sometimes said to live olT one another, .-iml 
 ('hristia'i Miercliants to ;:ol»lde one another up." 
 
 And I roars out loud as through a speakiti>: triitnpet. 
 
 "("hristiaiis sotnetimes ;rol)lile one atiother up." 
 
 And ajiain a seemiti' "arty larf froju .Miss (Hive rung tiiroo ilie 
 partition. 
 
 Poor tliin;; I I'oor thing I 
 
 •■ <'hristians eat one anotlierl" roared tjic Koosicr. I're an un- 
 principled haythen to say so. o lir:iml lor llie liurnin' I (» sole 
 for tile Itroiiin I ,\ren't you afiaid to die." 
 
 And the rarsec faintly luit andildy gasped, •• I'm Mowed if 1 a;n," 
 
 .\nd I roars out : 
 
 " I'm lilowed if I am," 
 
 "Oil! my liver and liglits ! ( ih : mre and 'oimds and Ida/.es." 
 roars the Itooster. 
 
 For. dividing Ins life between Inshiug in F-elamI when aslioi-c. an<l 
 si'i'ving Her .Majesty when atloat. he had naturally picked up a few 
 Ililiertiiati as well ;is nautical exiilosives. 
 
 (>h : my liver and lights I ( »li ! my stummicU and wind pipe! 
 The little haythen .iliri iifraid to die." 
 
 " Wliy should I lie V suddenly sa\s the I'arsec, cpiitc hmd .•tnl 
 distinct. 
 
 "Why V" thunilers the Rooster, " w!iy tiot V" 
 
 "Which is tile strongei- V " asks u<y mas;er, "the Iju-d o;- the 
 Dlvil V" 
 
 "Why, till' Lord of coin-se." sez iiir t'liaplain. 
 
 lil 
 
' 
 
 70 
 
 " Thou," piHps tlio ParstH', aud I roared out the wonls as ho said 
 'fiu :— 
 
 '• Then whfu I i\U\" whlspors he. 
 
 •• • ' \vh»'U I die." roars i. 
 
 •' I'll just 111' on till' It'iict'," si'Z ho. 
 
 " I'll Just lie nil ilic ffuco," roars I. 
 
 "I'll say • I'uU I-onl, Pull Divil.'" soz ho. 
 
 " I'll say ' Pull Lord.' "rull IMvil.'" roars I. 
 
 ".Villi il till' \a>h[ is tile stronvfost," .scz he. 
 
 " .\ii(l it' ilic Lord is ili<' sirouuosl." roars I. 
 
 " Uiilly I'ur iiu' I " scz he. 
 
 " Hiilly fur nil- I " roars I. 
 
 And airain .Miss iilivr's larl'. rnn;: lln'tm ilic |i;i fill ion, ms clearly 
 and saiit'ly ;is if slic \v;is nut in-csimnsililc inid cra/i-d with an.xions 
 lovf. 
 
 I'lmr lliiny I I'iMir tlnn;: I 
 
 Mill Ilic <-liaplaiii. lie rnsncs out <>' the caliiii, as mad as the si;;n 
 o' the .Mad Itiill. and tears aloiif; the main deck, a wavin' his arms 
 as ir 111' was a tryin" m stop a Incamstif. and a kicUin' the si»itteis 
 to rivht ami Id't, as lie nislied alnii;;. 
 
 Il must lia' been mii\ '.-inl mi his huots. 
 
 .\ml soon after. 1 ciiiie in .iml I'lniml my master with his face 
 inriicil to the wall, and he cover,.,! ids ■,•,} with the lnn;r llowiiii.' 
 rube iif mystic white samite. ih:il lie '.iil nver "im. 
 
 .\nd I feels his 'ail ami it liad sin|i|i,'il beaiin. 
 
 .Vml i pill :i iiiiiriM- tn his mimtli. and there was iiu breath. 
 
 .\nd I went iiiit, for darkness se:' | ihe i-i;,'ln and sacicd iliiii;: 
 
 for lilt-. 
 
 .Villi yet 1 kcp' my 'aiM up as he lold me. P'or I seemed in a i iml 
 of ih'cam. 
 
 .Vml .Miss (Hive "enl me u-o oin. and didii'i "ear me come liack auiii. 
 l'"or I came back softly to put otit that y:lioslly eleciiic liu'il. ;\ 
 u'rinnlii;,' from those there eye balls in that there skull. 
 
 '''"!■ ^ ' «lio caino ill with that aii;;el smile on lu-r lips, like jiuer 
 
 Ophelia, a tlirowin" liowers on llamlei's ;.'rave. and sayiii ;- 
 
 " Sweets to the sweel." 
 
 ■•'or my imister had often made me read this passa^'e in • Hamlet." 
 '<• him. lie often said they were the swootosi \vords ever poniiod 
 by I'Mirtal man. 
 
I'ur lu^ kiiiil IT idfiititii-il (>|'l»''l'ii willi Miss Ulivi'. iiiul our*' bb 
 uiude lUf write in iiciicil du tb«' i)iuk of her seat in tlu' i-baius :— 
 
 " Nynipli I in tliy orisons in' nil my sins rfnii'mluTcd." 
 
 Anil 1 lliort tliai inrllicr tban " SwciMs to tin- Swix't," wbicb 
 always n'niimlcd nu' of Indls-i'yos. 
 
 Well, as I siiid. .Miss (»livc (iuiit' a sti-alin" in with Ikt graceful 
 walk, llki' Milton's an;:fls. 
 
 " SnuMttli motion without sti'i"" 
 
 And she larfcd, pcKtr jLiiii. instoad o" i-fyiii;:. as she ort to havo 
 doiu>. Fof. ni>.'«cr or no ni^;.'i'f. sho must ha" known hf loved her. 
 
 And she laid a kind of wreath with letters on it on the y:hostly 
 white shroud, a lyiny: so elo.se and littiuK so ;.dove-like to his poor 
 limits. 
 
 And hh'st if the words on tiie wreath weren't the name and title of 
 a Spanish nobleman. 
 
 DON KKV. 
 
 .Vml then the flood yiates of her m.iidenly reserve UJive way. 
 
 For. lindiiiK herself so close to him. tonehin>.' the comely fare and 
 feeling the hreatli of one. whom ii seemed, she loved so well, she 
 Just in-arn>e*l him. hu;.'ued his lips to hers, and imprinted on them a 
 (|uitk. Ilowiii;: tide of hot. fruitful kisses. " iiiiiek as autumn rains 
 tlash in the pools of whirliiii: Simois." .\nd then she rushed from 
 the eahin. with dowinast eyes, her eheeks atlanie. ■•ind yet with an 
 e.MiltiuK' li">k as If the desire of her life was crowned at last. 
 
 And when she had yone. and 1 had stepped a lip toe. and closed 
 tlie do«tr ami iiu'iied to come hack to re-arran;;e the corpse. Hlessed. 
 
 If that there wreath didn't .a 'it me in the hi. and then I «(h> the 
 little cus. his leus a daimlini: down from his hammock, and his 
 eyes danciii;; with kindly merriment, ami he se/,, sez he :-- 
 
 "(Jiiess its time (liis little farce was over. Three sqinire me;ils 
 a day. of navy hisUei and raw s.-ili .iind<. is irettim,' kinder luonor- 
 tunnus." 
 
'•1 
 
 (IIAI'TKK XV 
 
 TiiK ski:i,i:t()\ sfiip. 
 
 "Tile lIlMliy IIH'II so ))<>illlliflll, 
 Ami lln-y iill (Iciiil (lid lev ! 
 Ami .1 tiiniisMinl slimy tliiims 
 Mvfil on. and st» did In-."— K.-ivcn. 
 
 —Cidridu'i's "Aiuiunt Mariner." 
 
 Wh..n w.' v'ot to Vancoiiv..r. ilir Major round Idnis.-if s(» v.-ry coin- 
 foriald.' in ilu- Vaiuonv.r ilni.l ii„iv. liiat li.- dci.-rniin«'d to stay 
 tlit-n- a wiM'k or two itflorc i-'oin;; to Moninal. 
 
 And uliat dot's my ;;i-nllrman do. I>iii liin-s a lull-ri^p'd tliriM-- 
 niasi.-d slii|. nom- of y,,iir lliih- lisiicrman's smaclvs. wiili no .inartcr- 
 di-.k to waili on. Imt only :i fon'sl wiili " :'.-si«'ps-aiid-a-.inni|» and 
 tli«'n-ov«'rlK«ird."~ iMif a rtyriil.ir ilircc niaslfr. 
 
 Slir was liic "Sir .lolin Moon-." of London, No. Jiil»L' in tli<> old or 
 •Marryati's »od.' of Signal l'lay;s. 
 
 And hf rliarn-rs licr to sail round Niis.ni.ini Island. What no out! 
 had over done iM-forf. ami ri'iioiicd iioim- saff. 
 
 And when tlir .Major li.ard iliai ilic trip was .a in-rilous om-. lie in- 
 sisii-d on a uoin" loo. .\ml ihcr.' li.. was willi Miss tHiVf in lln« 
 iM-st .-nliins. w.dl fonnd aiid rv ;.rythiid<. and walking aliout 111.- sliij) 
 ns if hi' w.is Lord "i .Xdmiral. and too |irond lo spr.ak lo ih.' Tarsw 
 who paid for •■vfryiliink. 
 
 Why on yarlh my .Master wood hinsist on shippinu -lo Kavm. 
 whom wi- idrknamcd Hubs, .is llrst male. I dono. I'or h,. uas 
 nniv.M-sally and ita.Vcotro.iotall.v liatr.l and tli-iisii-d alio.-ird tlii> 
 "( anaila •■ 
 
 All aniz Im> didn't worship Miss <UI\f. .-is th,. n-si of ns did. 
 
 Will. w«' siu'hls .Niisipiam Island, in l.alii 1 .V. :it;' North. l-onKi- 
 
 t«MM| \:\n .Vi' West. 
 
74 
 
 And we iiosi's t»iir wiiy cMiitiniisIy VoiiimI it. .•il>i»nl "J mih' from laml. 
 
 ill iilioiit Jii fiillioMi wiitcr wind siillisli anu idT shon*.— tlu' nrina- 
 
 tiii r tin- dct'p-scji it-ad slitiwiii;; siniij:i»' sin-wed witli iiiinifiisi' 
 
 Itouldi-rs and prctipiloiis loclvs all liands on dfcU Imals in davits 
 r«'ad.v slori'd and rrady to launcii di-fp sea l«>ail tfolnj; all liif liin«' 
 like hlazos. 
 
 All of a snddini I a cnrnMit calclu's Iht. and Inrns her nosr* slian* 
 towards shore, a pointini: to a sii-ip. \\\i:U dilT. wliirh IiowimI inwards 
 and withdrew into tlie land, sort of horse-slioe shape. 
 
 And then aliont a nnle from slmre. :ill of a snddint ! the wimi and 
 sails drop, and Idest if she doesn't stand stock still in aliont :><> 
 fathom o" water, which was as dear as ulass and liliie-lilazes. her 
 liow-sprit almost tonchiiiK the clitT, wlii<li was aliont as liiuh as Cain' 
 Kternity on the Sa^nenay. 
 
 Well, as 1 was a sayin". the I'arset- was a standin" by the captain 
 a whisperin' the <irders to him. all liamls liein;: piped. 
 
 " Laniicli the life-lioat." hi> mars, " M.m her. .Mr. Kaven. I'usee's 
 wiilly and starlioard watcli!" 
 
 Now tlie little divil had had Cliips make ji sort of wooden lio.\ or 
 shaft, shaped so-fashion. as Tin Koin' t<i tell you : 
 
 It was % inch di-al. and J.sL'x'J feet, leaded round the hottoin, and 
 there was a hole sawed out of the lo|i, .just lii>; enuf to hold a man's 
 luu;:, face downward. 
 
 ICs what the lishers use otT SI. .lolin. .Vewfouiulland. to see if 
 there's Koo<l lisliin' lielow, and calls a spy-liox. 
 
 And llie men. sonH> <in 'em, thort it was for stickin' his 'ed into. 
 wln-n he was auoin' to say liis prayers to the .lapaiu'e Sea-devils, 
 and some on 'em thort tlie .lapanee sailors used 'em to sjiue down. 
 .\iid so we christened it a spue pipe. 
 
 \i\i] we mans the life boat, and we cruises i-ound tlie ship, llie I'ar- 
 see looUini: down the spy hiickel every time he bids us "easy all," 
 and " hold water." .\nd when we had shifted our berth a little, 
 two or tliree limes, he lakes a Ioiik look down the spy-lincket. an<l 
 se/ he : 
 " Mr. Drysdale," says he. " will you [ilease lo look down "eaiv" 
 Ami I look ilown accordin'. and my 'air stands up on «>nd. pretty 
 well purp-an-<iick«>rler, all over me, lik«' a porky pines' bristles. 
 I'or what do I see I 
 
 A ship! Its worry n:ime, the ••.|,i Haven." of t^Miebec as |ilaiii 
 ■•IS a pike slalT on her bows. 
 
7r. 
 
 Ami it was wi'iIjumI ntwccii two rocks iiiiisis piirp andicUiTlrr, 
 IkiIi iipriirht sails roiii'tl Itniu atm and piiii> tu liiiu- hla/.cs. Tlw 
 Ixials were in ilic davits, ti" lulls all taut. Fur tlit-ic corils luid 
 slininl;. owiii^' to the workiir uf llic sea walcf un the liciiip llii'y 
 Wfic niadt' of. 
 
 And nn tin' slii'unds were ilir skclt-tuns nl' I scaint'ii. wIid had lircn 
 drnwndcd lik<> puppies in tlit- wciy an of ninnin;.' np the main 
 t-i^'^;in^' to t'lni the mains'!. 
 
 And till' skipper's skeleton was a tloalin' from the niiist-liead, fe*'!. 
 le;.'s, and stern side np. eaii;j;hl liy Ids lower .jaw. 
 
 1 meaiiii It.v what was now liis lower .jaw. lint which had been Ids 
 chin wlien il Idlched on in the trnck lialyards. 
 
 lie had liad a cork .iackei. put on no ways, in a hurry, on him. 
 And it had dropi down alioiii his I'eet. and lioisted his t'eei Mp])er 
 most, 'eels over'ed. ill the water, .so that his "ed had K<'iie down, and 
 his chin liad can^'lit. 
 
 .\iid when 1 had looked, ami looked, and looked, and ;.'nv over, the 
 I'arsee seZ. se/, 'e : 
 
 .Mr. Uavt'ii w<inld n please lo look down there." 
 
 And Hubs, a^i we coiid im. looked down there. 
 
 .\nd the I'arseo se/,. se/. 'e : 
 
 Mr. Itaveii. would n mind a akin' the rndder-liiies and a sieerin' 
 lia<k to the ship." 
 
 .\nd then he up and se/,. i - ■ the lirst time ! ever ear 'im 
 
 talk so lashioii. in a vi.se o' > . ,dei. like a lanlin'. ia;;iir, roarin'. 
 ravin", hlasphemons, bellowin' hull o' Itashan. as he wasn't : 
 
 "That ship." roars 'e. "was the • .lo Kiiveii." «d" QnelM-c. so named 
 niter tlie proper-rioter." 
 
 She was loaded with piu iron, and over insured at Lloyds', and the 
 pi;; iron was ;ill sold at \'ancoii\er on the sly. and the ship loaded 
 with stones from some island near, as is shown by there bein' some 
 wisible on her werry decks. 1 read all abont It in the papers ai 
 the time, only they didn't know alioiit the stones. That was never 
 found out till this weirv minli. The owner, .Mr. Raven's father 
 cliiirlered her. with 'iinself for skipper. And he meant to sink her. 
 So he kept a cork .jacket always at hand, and the boats ready 
 vittled. in the davits. The men thoit be was half a land lubber 
 iind cow.ii-d cra/,.\ 
 
 .\iid when she i eiiched l.oii;:ilood l.'.t; .Vi' West, iind Latltood Tm" 
 ,".(i' North, the ciiireiit cati lies her ed and carries her reit in lliis 
 worry identical si>ot. 
 
7<i 
 
 Shi' I'iir runs Imt Imuv iiKiiiiisi iliiit ctr nuU. for sin- liinln'i two 
 niiiiioii liiills ii ilnmuiiiu imniiisi tlit- Ixiitnin iis I liiiv*'. Ami no 
 wliiil cviT Mows ciir, any nn»rt> ii it <l<iz ai St. I'ir. :.' niilis I'loin 
 Yiiiiiiiskii .Moiiiit.-iiii, when' iii.v triciiil .Mr. ('Iiailt's (iiltlt (car '<■ lakin 
 tiH' Ills 'at. ami lunUs iipiiards, ami pauses a niiniti tist-il in livr wlicn 
 iillvt'. Tin- lay nl' the land iIh-H' is e.xacily 'In- sanw. wiili suint' 
 liltif illiriTi'iicf, iliiTf, as it is car. In lar'. if liicn- is any ililliT 
 •■net' aiwrcn 'r\\\. lin-y arr boili alil\f." 
 
 Ami tlir liami ni' CimI. inr wliat i-|si> illil ii. Juhs iin- riulit ilnwn lo 
 this <>ai' lii'i'tli. aluci'n two i'(M-i<s. wliifli si'rni Just niailc l<t ;;:i'i|i ami 
 tiry iliitk lii'i-. slilp Klia|M' and all sinm on tii<' liiiitMni. lii^f tin- 
 drowmli'd city in tlic .McditiTi'aii<>aii. And tin- sailors liadn'i lui-j; 
 
 And it slipt down to his feet. \vln'n tin- ship wcni down, and hn 
 WHS a striiKUliii' at the hottoni of tlir wort- . Ami his chin seems 
 t(i have Jammed ii\ the track halyai'ds. .s.. he jerki-d upwards, stern 
 side up. towai'ds tlie to)) o' tjie ualei- And lie was di'owndeil all 
 nloim u itii tlie rest. 
 
 Atid .In Kaveii's partner, the other iMupei ijoier. liraws ilie insiu'- 
 tlllce motley and driid<s hissell' to death with it to tlie devil. 
 
 l''«ir he catches lire, some how. mie ni«iit. asleep, drunk, in his 
 rhair, a tutuliler )>° hraiidy in his and. 
 
 .\ml the way he made the first money which Imilt lier. was alioiit 
 the lilackest and tmist dastat'dly a<t of dirty treachery to a man's 
 iM'st friends, ever ktiowti in the whole Mack histoi-y o" ('liristian 
 ('ommerce. 
 
 I'or he uets his t'riends to Join him in ttinnln); a line o' ships 
 straiuht from Canada to i;ii;.:laiid. just as a sort of patriotic move. 
 So as to he aide to say that I'auada didn't ship all her ^'oods in Van- 
 k«M> liotloms. .Vml he never stpiat'es accounts with his trii'tids. hut 
 iillns made out that the line was a payin' iioihink. .\tid so he ipiiet- 
 ly Itort up all the shai'es for nothink. .\nd tlien when lie had all 
 tlie shares, it turned out that the line had heen a payin' like atiy- 
 (hiidv. 
 
 "And the curse of tjod." ear he looked upwards, as he alius did 
 wlieii he said the word "tetd." 
 
 " .\titl the curse o' (iod seems to have rested on the whole raniily. 
 l»o It recollect .les.se Sinclair Who collimitltd snicide at the Sllelterin' 
 
 •Onu', .Montreal. .Mr. Uaven '.' " 
 
 Now a <iaelic sailor 'ad christened 'iin 'rniLry, lor tt is the eiirsedesl 
 term of ahiise in the tiaelic lin;;o, and tin name stuck. 
 
1 1 
 
 This iiiiinc Tur-«c snoii niriu'il iiilo Tiirkt-y. Tlifii \vc <iillt«l liitii 
 Iliiltldy-JotU, wliicli (if cuursc licfiiiiie Hubs. 'riiuu'ln- or ISiilis tiinifl 
 • Iciiilly pull', iiiiil wIu'Ii \vc ri-Miln-il the sidi-, we liiid Id liflp liiiii \\n 
 tlif IikIiIi'i-. iiiiil |iiil iiii ill his Itfi'lh. Aiiil :il ^ Im>IIs in tlic nutriiiir. 
 Ihi- 'JikI iiiJilf, whn liMii lit'i'l llu' iiii»rniii' \v;ilch, i>'p<>iis in iIk- 
 >kipp«r : 
 
 " If Villi plciisc. sir, lirsi iii.iir .1 iiiissiir. sir. Must a Jump"''' ovcr- 
 ludiril ill llif iiiulil. sir. if ymi please, sir." 
 
 .Xllil We liKilis ilowil till' I'ill'sec's splli'-pipf. iillil We sees llis liluniii- 
 iii" iMuly a lluatiii' "rels up in lio liiilnnii waliT. For in- liaii fnnlci 
 
 Uilil lili' sivl'il'toll of llis f.lllii'r, .III Haven, nf <Jllel>ec. .\ll(! llis li';:s 
 
 hail «<ii curt in this ear si<ippei"s emk Jacket. 
 
 Ami my master sees tiial Miss <>live liciinl Idi k\' none of iliese 
 tilings. She thorl it wasii mere jileasure iriji. ami she was as happy 
 as a basket full nf devils .is lon;r as slie was mnr liim. ilio" iliey 
 never saitl a word to one aiiotlier. lOyes talk. 
 
 .\iid a basket fnll i.f devils is wery 'appy indeed. 
 
 .Villi for why V 
 
 A cos misery loves company. 
 
 And wiieii .Miss nlivr ;.'eis b:iek to \'aiiconver with all of lis, the 
 lirst ihiiiu slie iiiid ilie Major limis mi liieir e.-ibin tables, is a copy of 
 the .Montreal " Witness." 
 
 .\ml eoiispieii lis on the wcriy lirst pa;:e. in bi;: size type. Is the 
 followinir liiile poem. 
 
 TO (H.lVi:. 
 No action ili;it is true and fair, 
 Can vanisli into empty air. 
 
 No : 
 
 ItleorpoI'Mle ill some lo\'illi: liejirt, 
 
 lucorpoijite a very part— 
 
 A <|iiiekeiiim; ^eriii a vital seed- 
 It moulds einoiion. word and deed. 
 Hep'itiim other ads of love, 
 rmii llie cli.-iin shall •nd aliove. 
 
 So. Olive, when the earthly i'l!»,v, 
 That sliriiies thy soul, shall pass ;iway. 
 Immortal frai:ran<-e stays behind. 
 For nauuht can mar the y;ood and kind. 
 And the Ma.jor thoit it .1 rem.irkable coincidence that the poem 
 should be 'edded with the name of his werry own identical dauj-diler. 
 
' 
 
7» 
 
 (11 M'I'KU XVI. 
 
 IIIOAVKN. 
 
 I'roiii ViiiK'ouv.T w.. rciU'lH-.I .Muiiir.'.il. .niil put up nt tlic TiirkiHli 
 
 IJillll II..I.-1. .Hill ll.'ipprlicl. I.y .1 lllilMclllr.ns il.ci.l.'Ill. |„ lijiV.- MS- 
 
 siiriH-H In ns ii siiiir of i s under M.-iJur Aii^rfln's. 
 
 Ami the I'ai-sfc somi m.-iil*- rri«'ii,|s in tli. most niitnnil wjiy in tin- 
 world Willi .M;it.'tfi.-. iiinl N.ili.'. mikI .Miiini.". aii,! all 111." nicest IimimI 
 imililfiis in tin- Ikmisc. IIi> hiiii m ciifinns wjiy tli.. toii.li-st..ii.' ..r 
 ;i Inn-. Itr<(l-ii|.|l„.ln)ni' tfriiileiii.'iii. ..f iM-iiiu ••.puilly iii limni-. :iiiil 
 .•iiuall.v (•.,iiii."oiis. lovciihl.'. ilimiilinl aii.l ii.iiiiral. with liir ri.liesi 
 of the rirh. and tlu» iM)ori'st of ilic pour. i l„.ii,.vr lie would, in a 
 few niinntes 1m- on friendly terms wiili a eaniiil.al. while heinj,' iniide 
 ready liiss<-lf to he made into pie. 
 
 And as. in tl iii-se of our ion;: voyai:e. lie liad ;;iveii nie not only 
 
 .'I fair iiisiulit into Kimlish liieiainre, under n,,. sliow of yettiim me 
 to read Hie tid-hits of its masieipieees aloud to him hut also a cood 
 smaiterin^' of hotany. I was soon ahle on a liiiii from him to make 
 friends with one of the linest hody of men in the world the Mont 
 real «;ardt-ners. 
 
 In ;:rateful exehanue and fair return for |ilaiits from Jajtaii. they 
 
 !.MVe us Iheir very ehoieesi Idossoms. We eollld V'el from them 
 such marvellous roses as never reach the marUel, hein^' lo(. sparse 
 hloomers to pay commercial!y. i mean such as iln- I'aiil .\er..u, 
 which is .") inches acniss I 
 
 riittonias and su<-h like, al limes we uoi, and imw and llieu a $'_' 
 sjiray of orchis. Just fading on tin- air-huim |ilaiit : and oiice a Stre- 
 lit/ia or Mini of l'ara<lise plant, and a I'eristere Alata. with its veri 
 tahle snowy. Ho' f peace .-It the hottoin of the iiectarycii|i. (»f 
 coiir.se. they nil fo iheir w.-iy lo Major .Ximdn's room, .-iiid the old 
 
 .Major never sinelt a rat. hut ihort ihey were all spoiiiaiieoiis oiler 
 iii;.'s from the rich citizens of .Montreal to himself, as heiny: the niost 
 
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 lo;,i(',ss I't'prc.soiitiilivc of Ilcr .Majesty's Forces in the Dominiou of 
 ('iui:i(Iii. 
 
 And my inastor sat at table where ho could see Miss Olive, unseen 
 by her. And he still fi'd and feasted on her beauty, and thus grew 
 liandsonier himself every day. And as often as he could do so 
 without its being conspicuous, lie followed her to places of entertain- 
 ment, that he mlKht see her in her comely, modest high dress, with 
 its ;;raceful, Howinj,' draiiery of coy ami snowy white. 
 
 For Minnie, wlio ttnuled tlie .Major's room, always mentioned acci- 
 dentally, in his or my li»>ari!i;;\ wlien and where he was fioing to trice 
 her to concert, ojiera, or play. 
 
 For the ^lajor said that ])eople of social standiu},' should ahviivs, 
 as a duly, patronize Oratorios, the classic Oi)eras, and the legitimate 
 drama. (•''or he said that if decent peo])l(>. like himself, mad(> a 
 point of i>atronizinj; sucli tliinj;s, and froz<> out tlu> Yanlcee sew(>ra;re, 
 tlie tlieatre would refine, elevate and educate the nation, iiistead of 
 nialviui,' it contemptible and rotten, as lie said it had heli)ed to do in 
 the I'nited States. 
 
 And one notable ni>,'ht we wcMit to tlie Queen's. At tliat dellKht- 
 ful little tlu'atre, there are, on the left liaml sidi- as you face tiie 
 stage, tliree open bo.xes, Avhich proj(>ct into the body of the theatre 
 like a triple balcony, without roof or anything over them. My mas- 
 ter, Litl Yokr, sent me to secure the northern-most of the three, 
 which was tlierefore the furthest of the tlire(> from tlie footliglits. 
 W(> were a (juietly dressed, but intensely liappy i)arty. For theatre 
 going is tln> rarest treat to tliose wlio go but rarely. , There was 
 .Minnie. \elli(>. and Nelll(>'s lirotiier Fitz. and honest, stolid .lolm, 
 our favorite of the lot. 
 
 It was an opera— " Don (Jiiwani." Don (Jiovani is the most beauti- 
 ful music ever written. It is, therel"or(>, of ccmrse, very seldom 
 pres(>nted to an .\merican audience. 
 
 Flla Walker, Canada's .Missel-tlii'usli. even surpa.ssed herself, and 
 the attention of the audience was rivetted on the stage, as the valet 
 unrolled the six-foot-long list he liad made out of Don (iiovani's 
 sweet hearts, when 
 
 LO ! 
 
 a military oath from the Major, as Olive instinctively rose to her 
 feet, linding herself enveloped in tiames. 
 The Major had dropped his box of fusees. 
 
81 
 
 Olivo had stepped on it. 
 
 The tUv causht her tioating semi-transpai'fiit drapery. It had not 
 been dipped in ahini water, as ever.vtliinn- of sueli a nature, (esi)ecl- 
 ally tlie skirts of ballet daneers) as Ion;; as sneh abominations last, 
 should be, for all who have conscientious objections to bein;; burnt 
 alive. . , 
 
 In a flash, my dear master, whose eyes in his (piiet corner were as 
 niucli on Olive as on the stage, and who was always as gaunt as a 
 greyhoinid. and as spry a a wild cat. i)lante(l his right foot on the 
 edge of the box. h'aping. he let his left foot touch, and taking a 
 spring from the baclv of a chair of a lady in the intermediate box. 
 and before his Mistress could raise a cry. lie liad her in his arms. 
 
 Instinctively he dragged her to tlie back of the box. to Avithdraw 
 her from the gaze of the audience. an<l he seemed ahii )st to take a 
 pleasure in the burning pain, as he »>xtinguislied the tire with his 
 arms and loving hands. 
 
 And she. the reserved one., the icy model of propriety, so good to 
 the poor. 
 
 Alas I the tlood-gates of her maiden coyness and ii'y dignity, gave 
 way at last. 
 
 Sh(> tlung her arms round his neck, and alternately kissed him and 
 cuddled her loving head on his shoulder. 
 
 " Dami) it!" said the Major— and as the n'cording angi'l wrote 
 down the oath, he "blotted it out with a tear." 
 
 "Dam]) it. sir!" cried the ^Nlajor (enunciating the word "damp" 
 with a silent p). " I've found a braver man tlian myself. 
 
 To say nothing of his lK>ing mial)le to do tlie irick with my two 
 wooden legs. 
 
 " You .saved her life," he cries, " .\nd the very light and angel of 
 my life. And If you care to, sir, you shall have her. and I'll make 
 the hu.ssy marry you whether she wants to or not." 
 
 Well, the little divil just whispered in her ear, " Next Wednesday 
 week at Cote St. Antoine." I-'or that was the church the Major and 
 my Master always attende<l. And lier loving eyes hioked coyly, 
 " yes." 
 
 And my master slips back into his own box by the cvirtains, for 
 the Queen's is one of the (juickest llieatres in the world to escape 
 from in case of lire. 
 
 And the audience, who, by this time had woke up to what had 
 happened, rose to their feet and cheered like one man. And the 
 
-mimmiimmmfmmiiiftmi' 
 
 H2 
 
 .. 
 
 i: 
 
 little Divil. for lu' never forjiot his diviltry. wliatever happened, 
 whispered a word in John Storey's ear. And Jolin ffoes to the front 
 of the box in his dress e(»at and l)oiled shirt, and hows his aelvnow- 
 hnlfiinents, a jrrinnin* like the miseliief. And all but the Major and 
 Miss Olive herself, thort it was .lohn who had done the trick, and 
 they yells like mad. And we Kets up a snbscrii)tion and testimonial 
 for .lohn. and the I'arsee heads it with a live-pun note, and .Tohn 
 Kives the Money to the Country Home, Loufjue Pointe — i>erliaps the 
 handsonx'st I'alaee for the Poor in the world, and the best adnnnis- 
 tered. 
 
 And so they were married, foi' the more Olive pleaded for delay 
 and time to think over the matter, the more the Major, who was 
 terribly peppery, insisted on their hurryin' uj) befon' (whatev«'r was 
 left of liim) mijrht die. .and nive the little hussy a eliance of slipping 
 out of (loin); what he wanted her to do, whether she wanted to or 
 not. 
 
 And after niarriajre. this was the palace he took her home to. 
 
 For he had Imh-u working at it. and yettin); ix'oplc to take shares 
 in it ever .Mnee he came to Montreal. 
 
 The People's Palace, Montreal. 
 
 In the basement was a. bath, which, in the winter, was used for 
 a skatin;; and curlinji rink. And this was rented to a man to make 
 as much out of it as he could : — whereby he not as many people to 
 use it as possible— which was what w^' wanted. 
 
 And on the ground tlooi* was a refreshment hall, where there was 
 music or sintrinj; every I'veninj;, tc» empty the tavenis. 
 
 And at the back of this hall was a row or two of tables for 
 smokers, so arranged and ventilated, that no suspicion of smoke 
 ever reached the rest of the audience. 
 
 And on the Hat above this, was a free public lendinp-library. This 
 more than i)aid its own way. as tlie librarian kept the 10(t best books 
 in the world in stock, and he jlot all he could to buy them. And he 
 procured any other book orden'd, and sold stationery, &c. He had 
 also a labor de])artment. to brinjr workmen neediii!; places, and em- 
 ployers needing workmen, to meet one another. For this he charged 
 a small commission. 
 
 The library was so arranged that it could be used of an evening 
 for meetings and lectures, and rented to the highest bidders for ser- 
 vices of a Sunday. 
 
83 
 
 And there were roonis able to he partitioned off witli Japanese 
 paper screens, and paper party walls, for cards, or chess, or th<! 
 wmu' of nine men morris. 
 
 And the top tioor was u K.vninasinm, also rentable, used for an 
 evening lodjje. and other meetings, like the library. 
 
 And in a little hous(> adjacent, were two little roonis and two only, 
 and a roof garden, if you i)l(>ase. for Mr. and .Airs. Par.siH'. and sleep- 
 ing roonis for the emjiloyees and table maidens at the I'alace. 
 
 And Olive became a sister and anfjel of mercy, and minister of 
 Kraee to them, and any jiirl fallen, or nnfall.Ti. wlio came there, was 
 raised in every way for life— perhaps for a .series of lives. 
 
 And Olive had a happy family of 20 or 80 baliies at hospital and 
 ere<'he. 
 
 And they had no children of their own. For my master, Litl 
 Yokr, said :-" He didn't want any little motth'd brown and wliite 
 l)ejr,!,'ars trapesinj,' round the house, like brown ami wliit(> cakes o' 
 soai). or a dappled pony at a circus. 
 
 And they live«l happy ever after. , 
 
 THE END. 
 
S;" 
 
 CHAPTP^R XVII. 
 
 WHAT THE PARSEE AXD LAZARUS TOLD OF THEIR 
 EXPERIENCES WHEN DEAD. 
 
86 
 
 lit 
 
 
 .1 ^ ! 
 
 3- 
 
 HEIIK TIIK TAIL ENDS. 
 
h 
 
 . 
 
I'll 
 
 
 
 k 
 
"Aud if any of you be cousulted by his 
 parishioners oti cases of conscience, he may 
 do well to consult Jeremy Taylor's Ductor 
 Dubilantium, in lo Polio Volumes." 
 
 JACOBSON. 
 
 CHAPTER O. 
 
 HINTS ON HAPPINESS. 
 
 The main thing that Xtians— so-called— seem to do 
 after they are married is to make their wives miserable. 
 
 The first thing that haythen my Master, Litl Yokr, 
 did, was to try to make his wife nappy. 
 
 He thort it out and set about it as a business ; —the 
 only real way to do anything. 
 
 He wrote a little book on Happiness, got it printed 
 in lo Folio Volumes in St. James St., and bound in 
 Morocco in Montreal. 
 
 He did not have it bound in Calf, because the Golden 
 Calf seems to be the God of the Chris'^Jans, while the 
 " udder ' ' calf is one of the Gods of the Hindoos. 
 
 And these chapters following are some of the contents 
 of the book. 
 
97 
 Chapter XXIV. 
 
 How TO BE Happy. 
 
 We are the most fortunate of men. We inherit the wisdom of 
 the ages. Focus the wisdom of the wisest men of the past upon 
 the best way to be happy, and it is simple enough. It can be re 
 duced to a merely mechanical process. 
 
 All it needs is that you should try it. 
 
 All it asks is five minutes a day. 
 
 The way to be happy is this :— About the middle of- each day 
 retire and ask yourself this (luestion :— What have I done during 
 the past morning to make myself or anybody else unhappy? Then 
 frame some brief rule to ])revent your ever being so foolisii again. 
 Enter these rules into a little book kept for the purpose, with a 
 blank space in it lor every day in the year. 
 
 Then say over lo yourself, aloud or half aloud, the following 
 
 ^osciiVtl. 
 
 Pray. 
 
 Invincible Good Humored be; and cool 
 
 ALWAV. 
 
 Eat, — sleep,— retire from all away, 
 At some fixed hours, by rule 
 (And PI. AY 
 Two HOURS at least) 
 Each day. 
 Cast out all fear and all desire. 
 Be fiercely honest, not a liar, 
 For e'en in jest 
 The truth is best. 
 Say nothin:^ ill of old or young ; 
 And when you're angry hold your tongue : 
 Owe no man ought but the gift of love. 
 Seek bliss in blessing others here, 
 And find it up above. 
 
T^ 
 
 , M ' 
 
 1)8 
 
 Or, every othtr day, say in prose tliese 
 
 DOZEN RULKfS I'OR HAFPINESS. 
 
 1. Praise. 
 
 2. Preserve Irresistible Good Humour. Say the initial letters 
 of the four words (the letters V I (1) over to yourself every time 
 you sit down to a meal. 
 
 3. Keep cool whatever happens. Tiicre is nothing in this 
 little world worth worrying an immortal soul's viscera into fiddle- 
 strings about. , , , 
 
 4. Keep li.vt and iramovahle hours for all the functions of nature. 
 
 5. Set aside two hours a <lay tor fun. 
 
 6. Jhsirt'z fort pen I't desircz-le fort peu. 
 
 7. Never tell a lie, even in jest. A man wh(j tells an untruth 
 in jest is often not believed when he si)eaks in earnest. 
 
 S. If you are a fool sjjcak ill of a mnii to his face. If a knave 
 as well as a fool say it behind his back. 
 
 y. When angry hold your tongue. ■■ ' 
 
 10. l)()n't owe a sixpence, rather die. t 
 
 11. Von may look for your own l. ippiness everywhere. \'ou 
 will never tnid il till you stumble across it in trying to make others 
 liajipy. ,,); 
 
 12. He much in the society of your i;K.sr frikxd, and your 
 best fiiends' books, and noble women, and your hearl-friends among 
 men. 
 
 13. Never be in a room by night or day without a window being 
 more or less o[)en in it, or unless it connnunicates by open doors 
 into a room with an open window. 
 
 The last rule is one of the most important. There was always, 
 seemingly, meant to l)e clear access between us and heaven, phy- 
 sically a.s well as mentally. Read Drummond's " Natural Law in 
 the Spiritual World." /md this will be exjjlained. 
 
99 
 
 O KuRios Neanias! O curious young man! You seek happi- 
 ness, and when St. I'aul urges self-examination, You say : 
 
 "If the prophet had asked some great thing " 
 
 But ten minutes a day ! 
 
 That's too much ! ! " 
 
 P.S. — Don't try and grab all tkat you can, but try how much 
 you can do without. Of course you must be a toetouiller ; it is 
 no use borrowin,i,' the Devil's own swill-pleasure at high interest, 
 and then grumliling because it turns to ashes of, Sodom, and -uiet 
 dainnafion, in the mouth. '• A man maun ha 'a vara lang spunc to 
 sup parritch wi' the dcevil." 
 
 A winsome Wiiniie once said ; •' Papa dear : it's no use making 
 resolutions. 1 break 'em flister than I make 'em. The road to L," 
 (with an arch look), " You know where. Papa, is paved with good 
 
 resolutions." 
 
 "And so is the road to Heaven, chick."' 
 
 " Jkit how can 1 keej) my resolutions, Dad dear } " 
 
 " Easily enough.'" 
 
 " Take one rule at a time. Take one cent from your purse and 
 ])ut it in your jxicket. to give to the Verdun Hospital or any other 
 well managed charity, every time you break this rule. 'I'hat will 
 cure any bad habit.'' 
 
 And then 1 told her oi the •• Five Cent Oath Box," which 
 checked the swearing at the olhcers' mess at 'I'oronto. Hut I did 
 not think it necessary to tell her of the cnoijiions sum found in the 
 box every month when ii was opened ! ! ! 
 
 F..S.— .Xie yoii trying to i^et all that you can? 
 
 Turn about ; 
 
 Kind out — 
 
 What a number of thinj^s you can well ilo without. 
 
1- 
 
 mammmm 
 
 100 
 
 To A Fkmale Fool. 
 
 Sherbrookk Street. 
 
 *• There are only two lliinjjs worth living lor :— i. The constant service ofothers^ 
 and 2, Tv walk and talk with God."— Fap. 
 
 O restless, craving, eager soul, 
 On fashions, froth and folly tost ! 
 
 Why not ensue a Heavenly Goal ? 
 \Vhy drift among the lost ? 
 
 Within thee lies a garden sweet — 
 
 The Garden of the Mind — 
 Oh 1 Till its flowers with culture meet, 
 
 Be thoughtful, patient, kind. 
 
 Around thee close the blackening fates, 
 
 Confusions, DEATH, alarms ; — 
 
 * * :(: 
 
 For thee a Heavenly Bridegroom waits, 
 
 — Fly to His loving arms ! 
 
 F. C. Emberson. 
 Cote St. Paul. 
 
 X'mas Day, 1894. 
 
 O THE 
 
 Same. 
 
 "Look how the world its veterans rewards: — 
 A youth of frolics;* an old age of cards; 
 Fair to no purj)ose ; artful to no end ; 
 Young without lovers ; old without a friend ; 
 A fop her jmssion, and her prize a sot ; 
 In life ridiculous, and in death forgot." 
 
 A. Pope, 
 
 • Pope wrote " frolics ;" I prefer « follies." 
 
 MORAL— Consult the Inner Voice. 
 
 IHi 
 
tm 
 
 Chapter XVIII. 
 
 Sleep. 
 
 Sleeplessness is the most insidious foe to happiness. It is the 
 precursor of Insanity, and must be cured af any cost. 
 First of all, remove the exciting cause. 
 
 This is generally best done by a total change of scene and 
 circumstance. 
 
 A leading — perhaps the leading author of Canada — the grace- 
 ful writer of " How to be Happy," " Gold and Silver," 
 "Flowers," etc., — has discovered a sure and simple cure for 
 sleeplessness. Beset with that frightful malady, he happened to 
 put up at the Turkish Bath Hotel, Montreal, — i)erhaps the most 
 comfortable Hotel in the World ; — comfort is a great thing in 
 sleeplessness. He went to the Academy of Music so as to go to 
 bed late and give himself a chance ; lay awake till the wee sma' 
 hours, and woke up about four, with that uncomfortable certainty 
 which the sleepless know so well, that he was not going to sleep 
 any more. He took a swim in their lovely jvartn swimming 
 bath, went to bed again, fell asleep and dozing for an hour, 
 woke up at six o'clock. 
 
 The bath being then open for the day, he took another swim 
 and went to bed again, to lie till breakfast time. Again he fell 
 asleep and woke up a new man, his malady, the curse of his 
 life, cured. 
 
 What excuse have doctors now got for not curing this most 
 wretchless of all complaints by Nature's own safe, sure and 
 
rttr 
 
 102 
 
 simple cure. What excuse have they, (what excuse did they 
 ever have ?) for putting drastic drugs, of the exact potency of 
 which they know nothing, into human bodies, of the exact nature 
 of which they know less? Often failing entirely of their pur- 
 pose, often making a man more madly sleepless than ever, at 
 the best drugs do but borrow a little unnatural sleep of the 
 devil, at the devil's own rate of most usurious interest. 
 
 My friend, the great Dr, S. B. Watson, of England, told me 
 the cure for insomnia was ; — The open air all day lon,f, from 
 morning to night, without fatigue. 
 
 A Quaker couple one zero night once turned up at the cosey 
 house of my old friend, Mr. Macauley, the S. P. G. Missionary, at 
 Picton-on-Quinte, Ont. They said they had driven sixty miles 
 to be married that day, and must be spliced that very night. 
 
 "We'll freeze if we go to the church," said my dear old friend. 
 •' rU marry you here if you like in front of the fire.'' His re- 
 verence began to drone away at the service in his monotonous 
 old-time singsong. Looked tip suddenly, and they were fast 
 
 ASLEEP. 
 
 If a patient at Verdun (the best Hospital for the Nervous in 
 the world) be sleepless give him a long twenty mile drive in 
 the cold, bring him home, and put him into a warm bed. If 
 that docs not send him off to the land of Mopsus, I'm a 
 Dutchman ! ! 
 
 ■ The preventatives of sleeplessness are: 
 
 I St. To kneel down for a form, at least, of prayer before going 
 to bed, so as to soothe the mind ?.nd totally change the current 
 of our thoughts. The answer to oi'- prayc;- is, firstly, automatic. 
 The man is becoming calmer, happier and better while in the 
 very act of praying. 
 
 2nd. To learn some of the " In Memoriam " by heart, and re- 
 laxing your mental and bodily muscles, to begin to repeat it 
 
103 
 
 dreamily and drowsily, directly your head touches the pillow till 
 you fall off. 
 
 This is serviceable whether you are within reach of a Turkish 
 or Canadiau Bath or not. The Canadian Bath by the way, prac- 
 tised by the Indians, as Catlin shows us, long pefore the pale- 
 face sailed up the St. Lawrence, is a warm shower followed by a 
 cool or cold dip, or, better still, by a warm swim, like that we 
 can get in the lovely swimming bath at 148 Monique Street, 
 Mont eal. 
 
 RANDOM HINTS. 
 
 Sleep between blankets. 
 
 Bathe the feet in hot water before going to L.ed, or take a warm 
 bath with a cupful of mustard in it. 
 
 Sleep with your socks on. 
 
 If accustomed to a late supper, go without. If not, take one. 
 Eat some lettuce, or some onions. 
 
 Try a hop pillow, six lbs. of hops will fill a pillow-case. 
 
 Jump up and re-make your bed, turning the mattress, opening 
 the window as wide as you can stand, while doing so. 
 
 Of course, if sane, you will accustom yourself to sleep; 
 always, with the window open. 
 
 The sleepless should give up tea and coffee. In a .y case 
 coffee is poison if drunk after 2 p.m. Use Cocoa or Dominica 
 Lime Juice made with hot water and sweetened, or hot or cold 
 Lemonade, Apple Juice or Apple Syrup. 
 
Ui 
 
 il! 
 
 ■1 ! I 
 ' ■ '■' i 
 
 i 
 
 104 
 
 Chapter XIX. 
 
 Bathing. 
 
 •' Go to Bath." 
 
 Bathing, like sleep, as described by Homer, is the gift of the 
 gods. It is Nature's soft nurse, her invigorator, restorer, almost 
 her cure-all. Why else are facilities for bathing in brook, lake 
 and stream scattered so profusely all over her favoured lands ? 
 
 The man who does not wash himself all over, tho' it be but 
 with his wetted hands, every day that he is in ordinary health, 
 halves his happiness, impairs his health and mars his character. 
 
 Now for some warnings and pointers on bathing. 
 
 Don't bathe all over when very exhausted, nor immediately 
 ifter a full meal. 
 
 Before a swim in cold water, in winter time at any rate, tone 
 ap the system with a warm shower bath, or by putting your feet 
 In warm water, &;c. 
 
 In cold climates do not stay in the water more than 10 or 15 
 minutes, or 20 minutes at the very most. 
 
 After a hot bath, before going out in the cold, close the pores 
 of the skin by a douche of cold water. 
 
 In bathing, the object should be to draw the nervous energy 
 down from the brain to the spine — the great conductor and non- 
 irritable distributor of nervous energy. 
 
 The original '' Canadian Bath," as described in " Catlin's 
 North American Indians," is as follows : — " The Injun got into a 
 
105 
 
 sort of long bor.ket-bed in a skin tent. Under this bed was a 
 smaller basket full of red hot stones and a few fragrant weeds. 
 His wife poured hot water over these stones till Redskin was in 
 a profuse perspiration. When rtiiking he suddenly rushed from 
 his tent to the nearest river or biook, plunged in — whether it 
 was full of floating ice or not — swam a mile or two and walked 
 quietly home. If well, it was reputed to make him beUer. But 
 as Indians and bar-tenders have conscientious objections to 
 bathing more than is necessary, they seldom went through this 
 ablution unless they were sick. It was then reputed to cure 
 every time." 
 
 The modern "Canadian Bath" is a civilized fcmcf this 
 heroic escapade. It consists of a brief warm bath followed by a 
 swim. Where the swimming bath is pleasantly tepid, as at the 
 well-known Turkish Bath, Montreal, the swim may be enjoyably 
 prolonged without undue strain on the vital forces. 
 
 A modified form of this, where there is no swimming bath, is 
 to bathe in warm water, and then to shower tepid cool or cold 
 water over you. Where to get a bath is troublesome, I wash 
 myself well down with wet hands, and let a handful or two of 
 cold water trickle down the spine. 
 
 The Turkish Bath now claims attention. It is a delightsome 
 luxury or a powerful means of cure. 
 
 The dolce-far-niente and ecstasy of supreme corporeal bliss that 
 follows the Turkish Bath, as one lies down in the Cooling-Off 
 Room, must be experienced to be appreciated. 
 
 Unlike the dreamy joy-dream of nicotine, alcohol or hashish, 
 it is followed by no reaction. 
 
 As a curative means, the late Charles Gibb, who weighed 
 every word he said, once told me, — " The Turkish Bath is a cer- 
 tain cure for all ordinary forms of rheumatism. It cannot, of 
 course, remove chalk bones, but if persisted in, it will remove 
 all rheumatism that affects the other parts of the body. * For 
 
/* 
 
 io6 
 
 coughs, colds, influenza, etc., it is a sovereign remedy. It 
 cannot weaken if wisely administered. It removes ennui, and 
 entirely invigorates, tones up and solidifies the general health 
 and well-being." 
 
 Which witness is, I believe, after long personal and most 
 enjoyable experience, true. 
 
 Chapter XX. 
 
 A Good Cup o' Coffee. 
 
 I, the writer know two ways of making good coffee. Most 
 coffee brewers don't seem to know otie. Of these two ways 
 one was told me by the late Bishop Williams, of Quebec, who 
 seemed to know everything. The other, which I found out 
 for myself, is to use Lyman's Fluid Coffee. 
 
 When a delightful aroma of coffee permeates a house, one 
 thing is sure. If this aroma of coffee — the very bouquet or 
 most delicious essence of Nature's favored berry — is all over 
 the place, it is certainly not in the coffee-pot. 
 
 One way to enjoy this rare aroma is to use Lyman's Fluid 
 Coffee. Given boiling water and milk, it is made in a minute. 
 And more, it saves the handmaiden, on a wise economy of 
 whose time the comfort of the household depends, from 5 to 
 10 minutes a day, i.e., from one to two days a year, otherwise 
 worse than wasted in doling out coffee (or what is sold for 
 such) steeping and boiling the infusion, disposing of the 
 grounds and cleansing the penetralia of dirty old coffee-pots. 
 
107 
 
 The other way is as follows :— Get an Oxford Coffee-biggin 
 as sold by G. Stephen, of Bleury St., Montreal, such as was in 
 use at Wadhara College, and all over Oxford, in my day. 
 Heat the biggin. In 
 making coffee every- 
 thing should be hot, 
 the biggin, the cup, 
 the saucer, and the 
 milk. Bring fresh 
 water to the boiling 
 point. Don't use stale 
 water with all the 
 oxygen stewed out of 
 
 it. Pour the boiling 
 
 water ^ through the 
 
 upper " story of the 
 
 biggin (A) into the 
 
 coffee-pot proper (B), 
 
 and set it in a warm 
 
 place. If coffee boils 
 
 after being once made 
 
 the aroma silently steals away. Closing the spout with a cork 
 
 keeps the aroma in. 
 
 Boiling water poured through a flannel bag in an ordinary 
 ■coffee-pot— previously heated— with egg-shell or white of egg 
 in the coffee, with beaten egg-yolks in the hot milk is drink- 
 able. 
 
 But one of the simplest and easiest ways of getting a cup of 
 really good coffee is to imitate the chefs of the C.P.R., &c., by 
 using Lyman's Fluid Coffee. 
 
io8 
 
 i 
 
 Chapter \XI. 
 
 The Best Books. 
 
 "In the highest civilization the book is stiil the highest delight.' 
 
 — Emerson, 
 
 How idiotic the man who, when he can get gold, prefers 
 dirt. Far more idiotic he, who when he can buy the best 
 books ever written in the history of the world, and buy them 
 cheap, (for the better they are the cheaper they arc) prefers 
 second-rate stuff or even trash. 
 
 Read noble and happy thoughts and you become noble and 
 happy. Read trash, and you become trash. Read dirt, and 
 your very heart becomes filthy and dirty and obscene. 
 
 What are the best loo books in the world may long remain 
 an interesting topic for discussion. The 50 or 60 best may be 
 asserted almost without cavil. 
 
 The wretch, calling himself a man or woman, who does not 
 procure, and daily read a portion of these, must be a manni- 
 kin, whom it would be rank flattery to call a fool. 
 
 The prices named are of the best editions, cheapness being 
 taken largely into account in the choice. They are the prices 
 quoted by my friend, Mr. Wm. Drvsuale, 232 St. James St., 
 Montreal, a lover of his species, whom I feel it an honour to 
 have known, and with whom it is a pleasure to deal. 
 
109 
 
 The 10 grandest, greatest and noblest books ever written : — 
 
 The Book— A good Family Bible |6 oo 
 
 ***** 
 
 1. Shakespeare's Plays (written by Bacon) i oo 
 
 Emberson's Art of Teaching 60 
 
 2. Fred. R. Robertson's Sermons 2 00 
 
 3. St. Francjois de Salles' " Spiritual Letters " 45 
 
 4. Tennyson t -- 
 
 5. Farrar's " Seekers after God " i jr 
 
 6. Raskin's ICthics of the Dust 50 
 
 7. Carlyle's " Heroes and Hero worship " , .. 60 
 
 8. Chapman's Homer, Morley's edition 35 
 
 9. The Imitation of Jesus Christ i 00 
 
 10. Marcus Aurelius ^e 
 
 To these a scholar will add those below. A scholar is a 
 man who knows, more or less, English, Greek, Latin, French, 
 German, Euclid and Algebra. 
 
 THE scholar's TEN BEST BOOKS. 
 
 The Bible in English or the New Testament in Greek, 
 French or German, $r.oo or less. The Vulgate, 82.0c. The 
 Bible should be read, a portion every day, in these tongues 
 simultaneously. 
 
 1. Shakespeare's Plays, (Notes by W. A. Wright), 
 
 each % ^o 
 
 2. Corpus Poctarum, including Lucretius, Virgil, 
 
 Ovid, Horace, Martial, Persius, Juvenal, 5 40 
 
 3. Poetce Scenici Gra^ci 6 50 
 
 4. Dante, (Carey's translation) i 00 
 
 S- Epictetus, Long's, 3^ 
 
 6. Cicero on Old Age and Friendship i 50 
 
 7. Aristotle's Ethics, Chase's 50 
 
 8. Plato's Republic, Davis' i 35 
 
 9. Kennedy's Demosthenes , i 50 
 
 10. Pascal, 3 vols 3 00 
 
Ittl'l 
 
 no 
 
 The lo most interesting books in the world; — 
 
 The Bible, Revised Version , $i oo 
 
 1. Darwin's Voyage of a Naturalist i oo 
 
 2. Drummord's Natural Law in the Spiritual World 60 
 
 3. Paley's Natural Theologiy 90 
 
 4. Herodotus, Bohn's translation. i 00 
 
 5. The Spectator 1 00 
 
 6. Gall's Names of the Stars 40 
 
 7. A Voyage round my G'arden, by Alphnnse Kerr i 00 
 
 8. Vignettes of Nature, by Grant Allan, 15c. or 50 
 
 9. White's Natural History of Selbourne i 00 
 
 10. Macaulay's History of the Revolution 2 50 
 
 Add Green, Montaigne, DeQuincy, Channing, and perhaps 
 
 Whiston's Josephus, Parkman, Gosse's Canadian Naturalist. 
 The 10 funniest and wittiest books: — 
 
 1. Swift $1 50 
 
 2. Chas. Lamb i 75 
 
 3. Aristophanes (expurgated) 30 
 
 4. Moliiire 3 00 
 
 5. Junius • I 00 
 
 6. Pickwick . i 60 
 
 7. Don Quixote.. 75 
 
 8. Gil Bias 75 
 
 Hudibras or Sheridan 30 
 
 9- 
 
 10. 
 
 Pascal's Provincial Letters or Chaucer. 
 
 The 20 best novels in the world for Canadian readers : — 
 
 1. All Sorts and Conditions of Men $ 25 
 
 2. David Copjicrfield, and others, by Dickens.... 25 
 
 3. Westward Jio ! 15 
 
 4. Peter Simple 15 
 
 5. Kve Eftingham 15 
 
 6. Arabian Nights 75 
 
 7. Caxtons 15 
 
%• 
 
 III 
 
 8. 'David Elginbrod ^- , 
 
 9. Guy Mannering j- 
 
 10. Vanity Fair ^e 
 
 11. JaneEyre 
 
 12. Fouqu(5's Seasons _- 
 
 13. Barchester Towers ^e 
 
 14. E. Lyall's We Two 
 
 15. John Halifax ^ 
 
 16. Woman in Wliite *,^_ 
 
 17. Young Seigneur; by W. D. I.iglithall, a Cana- 
 
 ^'^" 50 
 
 18. Ten Thousand a Year . „^ 
 
 I GO 
 
 19. What's Bred in the Bone ; by Grant Allan, a 
 
 Canadian 
 
 SO 
 
 20. Christopher Tadpole, by Albert Smith ' 00 
 
 Ten of the greatest poets ;— A handsome edition in cloth 
 can be bought for one dollar each. 
 
 Goldsmith, * 
 
 Wordsworth, 
 
 Coleridge's Ancient Mariner, 
 
 Cowper, 
 
 Pope, 
 
 Burns, 
 
 Longfellow, 
 
 Shelley, 
 
 Milton, 
 
 Moore, or Palgrave's Golden Treasury. 
 
 Those who have children would doubtless wish to substitute 
 some children's books for ten of the above. 
 The 10 best books for children : — 
 
 1. Ministering Children « 
 
 2. Pilgrim's Progress j ^^ 
 
 3. Water Babies j ^^ 
 
a*. 
 
 113 
 
 4. Robinson Crusoe 60 
 
 5. Swiss Family Robinson 60 
 
 6. Masterman Ready 60 
 
 7. Uncle Tom's Cabin 60 
 
 8. Tom Brown's School Days 50 
 
 9. Book of Golden Deeds i 00 
 
 10. Hans Anderson 60c., or Grimm 60c., or both. . i 20 
 
 The 20 best novelists : — 
 
 Besant , §17 50 
 
 Dickens complete 2 00 or 5 00 
 
 C. Kingsley. Novels, sermons, etc 35 00 
 
 Marrryat's 10 best novels 2 00 
 
 Cooper's Works ■ 10 00 
 
 Arabian Ni^'lits 75 
 
 Bulwer's ^Vorks 8 40 
 
 McDonald's 4 best novels , i 00 ' 
 
 McDonald s works 33 00 
 
 Scott's novels 6 00 
 
 Thackeray, complete 8 00 
 
 The Bronte novels, 4 vols 4 00 
 
 Fouque's Seasons 75 
 
 Trolloj^e's 4 best novels ■ r 00 
 
 Edna Lyall's works, 6 vols 5 co 
 
 Young Seigneur ^0 
 
 Miss Muloch s 5 best novels i 00 
 
 E. P. Roe's best novels i 00 
 
 There is an old riddle, " Why does a donkey prefer thistles 
 to Gold and the answer is; — " Because he's an ass." Far 
 wiser is the donkey, in this case, than the man who fails to 
 buy these fifty books, or most of them, and by their fretjuent 
 perusal to raise himself to the level of the very " B:st Society 
 in the World," — that ot its greatest and jolliest thinkers in 
 
113 
 
 their wisest and jolliest moods. The donkey knows and does, 
 what is good for him, the man does not. 
 
 Far more guilty and foolish is he who fails to provide his 
 children with wholesome food for the mind. It is more im- 
 portant even than wholesome food for the body. A children's 
 library is a. first requisite in every household. For six dollars, 
 as shewn above, can be bought the ten best books ever written 
 for children in the history of the world. A lively youth will 
 read something. Provide him with the best books (which luck- 
 ily are also the cneapest,) and you will not have yourself to 
 blame if he degrades his mind, on the sly, with that injurious 
 trash with which the United States floods the market, and has 
 regular agencies for secretly selling to children; and which has 
 brought the gray hairs of so many parents dowa with sorrow 
 to the grave. 
 
 A kindly, pleasant-mannered fellow-boarder of mine once 
 stole his room-mate's little all, disappeared and has never 
 been heard of since. His trunk was found full of detective 
 stories, and novels about robberies and thefts. 
 
 Teach your children to read— and they will love — the pest. 
 Read, and you will love, thf, y.vst, yourself. You will then 
 have found out for yourself and them, one of the greatest and 
 most permanent secrets of 
 
 HOW TO BE HAPPY. 
 
 To RacheJ. 
 
 As Racliel for her children wept, 
 
 By briny Galilee; — 
 So live, Sweet Maid, that thine may smile, 
 
 In joy, alone, for thee. 
 
 c. y r. ^' *-• Kmberson. 
 
 494 St. James St., 
 
 Montreal, April i, 1895. 
 
"4 
 
 
 ^ m 
 
 IViili'eti A. D. 70. 
 
 Uniis Pelleo Juveiii non siifTicit orbis 
 
 Qiuim tamen a figulis nniniiam intraverat uibem 
 
 Sarcophago contentus eiii. 
 
 —Juvenal. 
 
 {Rnglishcd.) 
 The old world did not content Alexander tlie 
 
 tlreat ('IMiilantliropist, j 
 Hut when he had goi to the city ringed in by pot- 
 tering aldermen 
 Ilis dining hall contents him well. 
 
 Moral -LuNCHAT Alexander's. 
 
 I have travelled in England, Scotlanil, Wales, France, 
 the Channel Islands, the dis-United States and Canada, and 
 have nowhere found a more delightful place wherein to lake 
 a delicate repast than Ale.\ander's. 
 
 LITL YOKR. 
 
 Is not good, clean, dainty food a main factor in health 
 happiness, dii^estion (another name for happiness), and a 
 good clean moral character ? — Emuerson. 
 
115 
 
 ANNIHILATIOXISM IS KUBiilSH. 
 
 " The ' Reductio ad Absurdum ' has always been con- 
 sidered u rigidly logical disproof." 
 
 l-'IRST rROOF.— Tennyson. 
 
 (/// xMenioriam, Canto. XXX/V.') 
 
 "My own dim lile should teach me tin's;-. 
 "That life s!-.all live foicveimoio : '' 
 
 For if not ; — then, 
 
 '• I'.artli is daikne-.s at the core, 
 " And (lust and ashes all that is." 
 
 Wl'.ich is absurd, 
 
 Life shall live for evermore. 
 (). i;. I). 
 
 SECOND TROOF.— Tknnyson. 
 
 Again, — If life shall not live for evermore, 
 
 " Tliis rmind of tureen, thii nili of flame,'* ^ ' % 
 
 Tl-.e v/orltl, is 
 
 " Fantastic Iieauty ; siic'i as links 
 " 111 some wild I'oet — Kniheison to wit — 
 " When he works without an oliject or an aim.'" 
 
 Which 1:5 absurd, 
 
 .'. Life sliall live forevermorc. 
 
 < ' K. D. 
 
■t^- 
 
 K.i^m.w/w'i 
 
 116 
 
 THIRD PROOF.-Tknnys 
 
 SON. 
 
 (/« Memoriaiii, Canto. Ll'.) 
 
 '• Shall man," 
 Nature's ' ■ last «ork, vho seemed so fair ;_ 
 
 "Such spleiulid purpose in his eyes"' 
 
 "Wlio trusted that God was love indeed, 
 
 "And that love '..;,$ creation's final law— 
 
 "The Nature, (red in tooth and chiw 
 
 " ^^■ith ravin) slirieked against the creed." 
 
 "Wlio love.l, wlio suffered countless ill. 
 '• Who battled for th; 'IVue, the Just, ' 
 (l>i raiu if a Moutreal aldcrmau) 
 "Shall he-shall man. who did all tliis,- 
 "Jie Mown about the deseit dust," 
 
 ^nd end in a dust-bin? No: To think so were absurd 
 U iiirh IS absurd. 
 
 •■• ^^^^" ^\'i'I ni't end in a dust-bin. 
 
 Q. E. J). 
 
 FOURTH PROOF-Arranged by Em. 
 
 ERSON, 
 
 •niat turns out to be true at every « stepping-oir point " i„ 
 science is the unexpectable and incredible. 
 
 The Resurrection is unexpectable ar.d incredible. 
 
 ' •■• Tiie Resurrection is probably true. 
 V This syllygism has an undistributed middle and is worthle.ss — 
 it ::. only a strongly presumptive, inductive, approacii to T-.roof. 
 
.i4mm/^'i 
 
 117 
 
 J^loixxzrs . 
 
 There is nothing like riowers to soothe an overwrought brain. 
 Often after overworking myself in the day, have I turned into my 
 friend, Mr. Martin's hothouses feeling as if h'fe was barely worth 
 living, and come out as happy and rested as if I had taken a new 
 lease of life. 
 
 - Those who need flowers will do well to buy them from 
 A. Martin, Florist, 2508 St. Catherine St. Tel. 4348. 
 
 \ ■ 
 
 Dress 
 
 "To be dressed modestly and hecoiiiiiiyly is a great ludp to 
 lia|)piiiess.'' — L.J. 
 
 It is well to know that Silk, Wool or Mi\cd Goods of any 
 color, or of mixed materials in Gentlemen's Dress or other Suits, 
 I-adies' Dresses, Evening or j!all Dresses, Dolmans, ^c, can be 
 successfully cleaned without ripping or removing the trimming;^. 
 This is done by a new process called "French Cleaning.' 
 
 Antimacassars, Colored Silk, Floss, Plush or Velvet Covers, 
 Curtains, &c., and all kinds of expensive knick-knacks can be 
 thus cleaned. 
 
 Its great advantages are as follows :— Colors will not run or 
 change ; no displacement of jjadding ; stiffenings are Lit firm 
 and hard : the clothes will lit and set as when first made; there 
 is absolutely no strain or wear on the material, and there is posi- 
 tively no shrinkage. The finer the goods the better the work. 
 
 Send for pamphlet to the JJkirisu Amkricax Dyeinc; Co., 
 Gold Medalist Dyers and Cleaners, 2-t:{5 I^'otre Dame, 221 Ak- 
 Gill. and 151)5 St. Catherine Streets, Montreal. 
 
if 
 
 lis 
 
 Additions and Corrections. 
 
 [Pleane correct ihe^e in Ink some Sumhv/ mornhuj before, 
 readiny the booh.] 
 
 Insert pp. 115 and ri6 instead of tlic words, "This orb of green " 
 on p. 59, 1. 4. 
 
 On p. 55. 1. I, scratch out the word " filed." 
 
 Same page, 1. 7, in lieu of " pansd " read "j)ass." 
 
 Same page, 1. S, insert the words " in our go-ashore clothes" in the 
 blank space, which made me look very blank when J saw it. 
 
 Same i)age, lower down, for "cukes" read "cus.ses"_I uttered 
 cusses silently when I saw the misprint. N.Il_"Cus" is 
 short for "Cus-tomer." 
 
 P. 6 , , for " roteplasm " read " protoplasm," and for the word " call " 
 read " cell." 
 
I.I9 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 1,' 
 
 ic 
 
 .d 
 
 IS 
 
 THE PARSEES' EXPERIENCES WHEN DEAD. 
 
 Fusbos. — *'And are you sure they're dead?"' 
 DUiafina. — "Dead as herrings that are red." 
 
 — BOMBASTES ?'URIOSO. 
 
 (The l)est parlor play I know.) 
 
 An Explanation is due for having said in Chapter XIV that 
 the Parsee's i)ulse ceased to beat and his heart to throb. It did 
 so, for he was actually dead. 
 
 Dead to come to life ' again ' as we all will some day. Unless 
 the Lord keeps us in the grave to oblige Colonel IngcrsoU. He 
 was dead as a door nail. For a door has no nails in it and therefore 
 a door nail has no existence, and therefore, I suppose, is dead. 
 
 He was as dead as a tree in winter, which is actually, and not 
 only apparently, doad. For the only live parts in a tree are the 
 leaf and the cambium layer. And they, in winter, jiratically cease 
 to exist. Which is a striking pointer towards a resurrection of 
 other beings besides trees. 
 
 And. he could die, because the Fakirs in India seem to have 
 acquired the knack of dying by an oflbrt of the will, and if kept 
 in a moist cool place of com ing to life again, after circulation has 
 been restored by a way known to themselves. At least tins is the 
 only explanation I can offer of their being buried, grain being sowni 
 over their graves and their then coming to life .igain after being 
 dug up. 
 
 Such a process implies considerable risk, which proves that the 
 parsee was not afraid to die. And doctors say no man is afraid, 
 when dying a natural death, throo God's merci''ul arrangement of 
 the order in which the organs of the brain cease to act. And what 
 the parsee told of his experiences when dead, was shadowed 
 forth in some preceding pages, which are warranted to contain no 
 misprints unlike this page 
 
i 
 
 i 
 
 IftO 
 
 CHAl^TKR XXIV. 
 
 WHY THIS BOOK IS COARSE. 
 
 " Nor seek to wind oneself too high 
 For mortal man l^eneatU the sky." 
 
 -Kcbie. 
 
 To many a one this book may seem coarse and vulgar, and the 
 more coarse and vulgar he is in his own heart's core, the more 
 coarse he will think it. . 
 
 Aristophanes was unutterably coarse. Vet St. Chrysostom slept 
 with it under his pillow. His coarseness, like Shakespeare's, was 
 the fault of his age. They were as jjure minded men as ever 
 lived or will live. 
 
 And Dante introduced some very coarse allusions to give point 
 to his mockery of that Divinu Comit-dia, or " Priestly Farce," as 
 he called it ; — a material Hell. And after hitting upon the real 
 meaning of thil^ e.xpression of his — " Divina Comiodia," — never 
 before understood. I stumbled across two passages in the Inferno 
 which confirm my guess. \\m\ Dante was one of the purest minded 
 of men. 
 
 Rabelais was deliberately coarse. And yet it was said that you 
 could tell if a man had "read his Rabelais," by his honest, fearless 
 bearing. Had there been one chapter free from such coarseness as 
 would make a man seem a fool for bringing a serious charge against 
 such stuff, Rabelais might have been burnt at the stake for exposing 
 Romanism. , • ■.. , , , - 
 
 I have never read a word in Rabelais which would rou.se pas- 
 sion, while I own that his coarseness so repels me that I have 
 twice destroyed co])ies of his book. 
 
121 
 
 There 's moreover, as a certain learned author (myself) has 
 shown, in a book entitled " How to be Happy," an element of most 
 comic and unnecessary coarseness in the ways and ajjpearance of 
 certain animals and plants in Nature. This would excuse one who, 
 while groping in the dark, aims at imitating Nature where to do so 
 seems to yield pleasure or profit. 
 
 There is a deliberate object in the coarseness in this book. This 
 the author will tell to any one who cares to write and ask him. His 
 address is simply " F. C. Emberson, Montreal." He will probably 
 be accused of irreverence ; he who — like the Jews — makes it a rule 
 to keep ()NK Namk, as much as possible, sacred from utterance, or 
 at least never uses it without an "'Ait of Recollection." 
 
 'I'he book is written to show what a heathen can find to say for 
 himself. 
 
 The Author no more endorses all the parsee says, than Thack- 
 eray endorsed what his gambling, swindling, duelling hero says in 
 self defence. 
 
 And in one place he gives LI TL YOKR a sweet rap over the 
 knuckles for speaking uncharitably of Xtians. 
 
 It is fair to add that the Author dedicated the book to past and 
 present heart-friends without their consent. 
 
 iNow for some Adze.) 
 
Ii 
 
 122 
 
 Boox 
 
 "No nation can surely pretend to be civili/ed that has 
 tlie iinpudence to tax I looks— a tax on Hooks is a tax on 
 light, learning, literature, a man's very lieing, and sometimes 
 his soul's salvation." 
 
 LiTL YiiKR. 
 
 II 
 
 It is a great help to happiness to know where to buy any- 
 thing, especially hooks. 
 
 I have known Mr. W. Foster Bpown now for 24 years, and 
 if every one finds his friendsliij), or even acciuaintance — for no 
 man is your friend until you have eaten a bushel of salt with 
 him — as profitable, refreshing and instructive as I have done all 
 this happy time, they will have reason to be as thankful as I am. 
 
 m 
 
 STANDARD DICTIONARIES. 
 
 Anticjuities, (Greek and Roman). Smith. 
 
 Bible. Smith. 1 
 
 Biograi)hy. Haydn's. 
 
 Cruden's ("oncordance. 
 
 Dates. Haydn's 
 
 Flowers. Nicholson. 
 
 French. Spiers and Scott. 
 
 German. Cassell's, Si.oo 
 
 Greek. Liddell and Scott. 
 
 The Best Things. Fmbcrson and Murray. 
 
 Italian. (Italians don't seem to use Dictionaries.) 
 
 Latin. Andrews, 
 
 Quotations. Bartlett. 
 
 Kor Sale by 
 
 W. R)STER BROWN. 
 
 fifei B' 
 
i»S 
 
 Digestion is K^ng. 
 
 Happiness depends largely upon Health. Health u|)on 
 Digestion. Digestion upon Diet. 
 
 The physicians of the future will be elected on a salary by 
 districts, and their object will be not to cure, but to prevent 
 disease. 
 
 This they will do by diet. This will consist, of course, 
 mainly of eggs, milk, honey, butter, fish and fruit. 
 
 These the farmers will raise for themselves. When they 
 have any for sale they have hitherto lost by not knozinn^ an 
 honest commission merchant. 
 
 In Montreal I know of three, mv old friends: — 
 
 J. R. Cloc.o, 169 McGill St., 'J'el. No. 859, . 
 ViPOND, McDride \: Co., 261 Commis- [- for Fruit, 
 sioners St., Tel. No. S57. j 
 
 and • ' 
 
 Jas. Hamilton, 22 St. Peter St., for the other thinj^s. 
 
 I, F. C. Emberson, J. P., pcrson.iHy guarantee satisfaction 
 to all reasonable people dealing with them. 
 
124 
 
 i! 
 
 |i' 
 
 Gray's Syruo of Red Spruce Gum 
 
 • — I OR 
 
 Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchial and all 
 ^ , Lung Affections. 
 
 m. L'l. 
 
 AN IMMEDIATE AND PROMPT CURE. 
 
 (jray's Syrup of Red Si)ruce Gum is a carefully compounded 
 preparation ot Spruce Gum with its balsamic, soothing, expec- 
 torant and tonic pro])erties ])reserved and strengthened. It fur- 
 nislv-'s tlie only satisfactory and reliable means by which the 
 l)L'neticial effects of Spruce Gum can be obtained and its remark- 
 able curative i)ower in all throat and lung troubles enjoyed. 
 
 Spruce Gum has long been used in Canada as a si)ecific in 
 Coi:ii,hs and Oilds, and its use dates back to the earliest recorded 
 limes. The methods of ])re])aring the Gum as a remedy were all 
 urjsatisfiictory and until the introduction of Gray's Syrup its ex- 
 rellont (pialities were largely lost by want of the technical skill 
 needful to jiresent its valuable constituents in a soluble and easily 
 assimable form. Now all the remedial good of this well-known 
 (hun is given to the ]niblic in the ])lcasant and palatable remedy, 
 Gray's Syru[) of Red S[)ruce Gum. 
 
 CAUTION. — Ik careful when buying Gray's Syrup to get it, 
 because many imitation;^ have been offered to the public by un- 
 scrupulous manufacturers who have copied closely the external 
 a]i]>earances of Gray's Syrup, its bottle, labels and wrai)]iers ; 
 these jiiracies are dangerous as their makers, being unable to 
 ])roduce a true Syruji of Spruce Gum, have contented themselves 
 with getting a tluid resembling in appearance the genuine Syrup, 
 while leaving out the Spruce Gum and other valuable ingre- 
 dients. 
 
 Several of these imitations have been exposed in the courts 
 and their sale forbidden, but as new ones are occasionally brought 
 out it is necessary to issue this warning. Action is promptly 
 taken against infringements as soon as they are brought to our 
 notice. ^f 
 
 KERRY, WATSON & CO., 
 
 Wholesale Druggists, Sole Proprietors, MONTREAL. 
 
"5 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 " Prelusive drops." 
 
 ., ' I ' 
 
 -Afiltuti. 
 
 riie public are respectfully warned against notices oi this 
 book which may appear in the press of the Province of Quebec. 
 They are probably either written l)y myself or bv niv warmest 
 personal friends. ' ,' 
 
 My book at any rate is four times as good as Darwin's. The 
 most striking thing about Darwin's produccions was that he 
 could only work two hours (2 hrs.) a day. 
 
 I can only work half an hour (', hr.) a day. Fialf an hour 
 is four times as short as two hours. Therefore niv book is four 
 times as good as Darwin's. 
 
 Moreover, Darwin, so far as 1 can see without reading him, 
 more or less wilfully, turned his back U. rii.- Li^ht 
 
 In writing this book, the author has. in a humility which 
 those who know his history will well understand, referred every 
 thing immediately to the Source of Light. In this he h.as fol- 
 lowed the public avowal so nobly made bv the late Astronomer 
 Royal of Ireland. 
 
 "And when 1 have any difticulties in my work. I refer them 
 at once to the Source of Light, and all is at once plain and clear 
 to me. if it be well that it should be so." 
 
 1 once had to thread a dark passage at L(jngue Pointe with 
 the faintest possible glimmer of doubly refracted light at one 
 end. Facing this merest glimmer I had enough light and to 
 spare for two or three foot-steps. Turning mv back on it. I 
 at once found myself in an utter and Egyptian darkness, and 
 .soon to be involved in an inextricable confusion of chairs, sofas 
 and spittoons. 
 
126 
 
 So, if we face Him whose ^^ body is Truth and whose shadow 
 is Light " we have enough light and to spare for our next duty 
 — the only one we need fash our heads about. I'urn our back on 
 it, and we shall make as amusing mistakes about Atols, etc., as 
 Darwin did. He even failed to discover the Origin of Species, 
 which is I suppose, the desire of the mother during gestation, 
 for such and such qualities in her offspring. This would ex- 
 plain even the long neck of the giraffe; — "Six footo'sore throat " 
 as Sydney Smith said when he saw one. 
 
 Nobody, it is said, reads the preface at the beginning of a 
 book, so I have put mine at the end. Perhaps people don't 
 read prefaces because they are printed right side up, so I print 
 part of mine Suojav apis UMop- 
 
 All the great books of history have been written under stress 
 and strain, storm and storm-wind. Dant^ wrote in exile; Scar- 
 ron on a bed of bitterest pain ; Rabelais under the fear of the 
 stake and fagot for exposing Romanism ; Cervantes and Bunyan 
 in prison. 
 
 " The Yarn" has been, written with the author's very heart's 
 blood. Every page he wrote retarded his recovery from that 
 most distressing and dangerous of all diseases — brain disease. 
 
 The public and publicans generally, are much beefstaken if 
 they think the author has wasted time — time which might be so 
 much more profitably devoted to skittles and ginger beer — 
 in verifying (luotations for a paltry half-dollar book. 
 
 On the contrary he has touched them up and improved 
 them, the Ghosts of the writers gnashing their ghostly teeth at 
 him all the v.-hile. Let 'm gnash. He has altered them, of course, 
 when needful, to suit his purpose ; a proceeding for which he has 
 the very "HIGHEST AUTHORLLY." 
 
 N.C — All mistakes as to facts, theories, etc, in this book 
 are misprints. 
 
THE BEST. 
 
 With their Telephone Nos. 
 
 Ar/ricullurti — Win. Evans, S2fi. 
 
 T!aler~,1ii.<. M. Aird, 1340. 
 
 flo'inliiiij Ifotue—MTs. Duncan, 24 C.-itlicarf. 
 
 II'.o;.H—\Y . F. Drown, •J.IGA; W. Dry.-dale, 240 
 
 DuoiH ,1- S'liorn — Uonaync Bros., 472. 
 
 Vi'. Danj^crficM, 147-'; Nutio Damo. 
 CarUr—l). Kdinonson, 2 or. 
 
 rAfH(/w-<,(\VhoIesaIe)— Lviuiin. Sons i C. 1819. 
 
 C'Dif- Wi'-H.r— Alexander'?, 90.1. 
 
 /A.,i/i's7 -Fred. A. Stevenson, .AID.. 4:.'i7. 
 
 Jh-iiyi/iii'i, (Wh.)— Kerry, Watson A Co., 12^2. 
 
 J)n/ ^'.<r„/,_lIonry Morgan A- Co., 3393. 
 J. Murphy A- Co . 2iy t. 
 
 /;y,M— ^.riti^^ll American Co., S27I. 
 
 F(tmUij Piippr — The Witxkss, of course, 227. 
 
 FloriHt — (leo. Ilojiton, St. Cath. ,t Mackay St.--. 
 
 FrH(V,(Wh.)— Vi>iond, McDride.t Co. S57. 
 
 Fiirnlturi — Tees »t Ct)., 327. 
 
 Genrrnf Store— Vt. Stcjihen, '^A(i. 
 
 Gnr,r—A. A. I'crry, SlOfi. 
 
 JIurdirnre — A. Pallasuio, 853. 
 
 i/o/e/— ThcTurkish Dath Hotel, 4305. PorUaji? 
 tlio nio.st cosy hoti:! in Caiii.ida. 
 
 Ininranrr Ai/riil — Col. Sinton, "•'!. 
 
 JiniUer, «{•('. — I'ctar Wood. 
 
 Lairyrr — A. Cliamber.-i, 214 St. .lames. 
 
 LumhirS. (Jrier, M»70. E. .Maxwell, 1448. 
 
 Linotype — (J. H. Flint, 1557. 
 
 MtU: .Ino. Montcitli. 
 
 Montieul A, wo r.,.— II. r.rophy 38fl St. James. 
 
 iVcH'syOTy)-/-- Tlu! MoNTKK.u, Daily and AVkkki.y 
 Stah. I look on the Star as the hi -f- 
 inanagcdiTL'Moral newspaper in the world. 
 
 \„,,,n/—r,. n. Lighlhall, 21117. 
 
 /'iiliitt — A. Uaiusay iV Son, 71. 
 
 r<ry»';-— Canada Paper Co., 205. 
 
 /'.ir«.,;i»— Revs. E. liushell, E. A. King, W. 
 
 Ciniinbcrs, etc. 
 rhot<i<ji<i/,li4 1 — Notman, 4229. 
 Plii,iihn-—i'>vo. U. I'rowse, 254. 
 Pott (?)— Emherson, 8018. 
 
 " 's not every nuin's iioin a jinnt, 
 'n iiiore'ii a sle cii is liorn a tfout." 
 
 PiihP.J.er — 'ohn l.ovcll A Son, 230. 
 
 AV,(i./m'(*M-— li. A. Koliertson, 35Ifi. 
 
 S,„l,ll.,—\y. "W Ilobertson, 3510. 
 
 ,Sc/io.-?//(avf,r«— He.xford, Howe and Tucker. 
 
 Sici)iid-liiin,l /;./.,/,-<,A-c— D. Waters, 4114 St. Jainci? 
 
 ,(^,,.^„_Kwing I3ros., 142 McGill. 
 
 Shot Mfrs.- A II. Sims. & Co., 1821. 
 
 ,S'i7/. — ISelding, I'aul k Co. 
 
 r-iiVor— 1. Itufort, Cote St. I'aul. 
 
 7'../..ieeo,(Wh.) — J. Rattray A Co., 147. 
 (Retail.) —S. ll.vinan, yi4. 
 
 r'/ii'rei«iVy— Rishop's College, Lonno.\ville. 
 
 rii/-iiiV//i» — R.^,". .Inmieson, 423a. 
 
 W'.Uiti .1/, ni/tr— J no. Egger,'-240. 
 
 N.B. — r.e.-t means "most good," t.<., most honest. Iloriosty'is the one virtue " proper to 
 man." The above, wi.li one exccjillou, perhaps, the poet? -aro lucil against whom the very 
 breath of shinder dares not wag Its tongue. Uesi Il'.s theso nro Messrs. J. & C. and L. A W. L. and 
 S. liros., wlio, having all the clientc!o they need, do not wish their names to ajipoar. 
 
S St. J.'imea. 
 \M) AVkkki.y 
 
 US tilt! I>('-(- 
 
 ii> tbe world. 
 
 King, W. 
 
 It, 
 ut." 
 
 'uckcr. 
 
 1-1 St.Jamcs 
 
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