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Un das symboias suivants apparaitra sur la darniAra imaga da chaqua microficha. salon la caa: la symbola — ► signifia "A SUIVRE ', la symbols V signifia "FIN ". Mapa. platas. charts, ate. may ba filmad at diffarant raduction ratioa. Thoaa too larga to ba antiraly includad iin ona axpoaura ara filmad baglnning in tha uppar laft hand cornar. laft to right and top to bottom, as many framaa as raquirad. Tha following diagrams illustrata tha mathod: Las cartes, planchas, tablaaux, ate, pauvant Atra filmAs A daa taux da reduction diffArants. Loraqua la documant ast trop grand pour Atra raproduit an un saul clichA, il ast film* A partir da I'angia supAriaur gaucha, da gaucha A droita. at da haut an bas. an pranant la nombra d'imagas nAcassaira. Las diagrammas sulvants illustrant la mAthoda. -rata o lelure. □ 32X 1 2 I ■ ■ *■ 3 1 2 3 4 5 6 LI] JC LIKE AS TWO P'S. A COMEDY IN ./ FOTJK. A.OTS, I BY JOHJSr "VTAYGOOD. I I 4! LIKE AS TWO P's Timkins Simkins Dr. Pills Dr. Crackbrain Dr. Goneup Dr. Looney Porter ... Inspector Mrs. Timkins ... Mrs. Alljoy (in love with Timkins, hut accepts Simhins.) Susan ... I Policemen, Attendants, &c. ■♦•«H»-4w- m SCENE I. Drmving-room in Timkins's House. Mr. and Mis. Timkins disccvered. Mm. Timkins — ^TimkLis, my dear, you are far from well. Now, now 1 "ou need not deny it. You cannot deceive me. I have been "Serving you very closely of late. Timkins (aside) — The deuce you have ! I wonder if she suspects Mrs. Timkins — Oh, no ! Timkins, you are far from well. Timkins — Never was better in my life. Have you any particular reason, Mrs. T., that I should be sick ? Now, out with it ! Tell the truth and shame the ahem ! Mrs. Timkins — Timkins, are you mad ? Timkins— ^0, Mrs. T., I am not mad. {Aside.) But I soon shall be if this sort of thing continues. Mrs. Timkins — Ah ! I see. I fear it is a mental rather than bodily ailment with you. {Timkins starts.) Dear Timkins, why will you not tell your own wife what is the matter with you ? Timkins — Matter ! why nothing is the matter with me, I tell you. {Aside) Oh, Jupiter ! if she only knew the truth. Mrs. Timkins — Well, dear Timkins, since you will not confide your troubles to me— because, of course, there is no use denying you are in trouble. Timkins {excitedly)— TvouUq ! Who told you ? Who said so ? Who said I was in trouble, Mrs. Timkins ? Mrs. Timkins— Uj dear, if you go on in this absurd manner, I will certainly think you have lost your senses. Timkinc {aside)— Oh, great guns! I thought she was going to say " lost your money '* ; it would have been nearer the mark. Mrs. Timkins— ^ow, don't interrupt again, Timkins, until I have finished. Timkins {aside and in despair)— Gveait guns ! when will she stop ? m i 4 Mrs. 2'imkins — In tlie lii'st ))lace, iny dear Tiiukiiis, you reqniru change of air ; you nnist go into the country. 1'ake a holiday ; it will do you good (io to the North, go to Wales, go to Brighton, go anywhere ; but don't stay here moping, or you will certainly be laid up. TimTcim (aside) — There, now ! There's feminine energy for you ! Ihit what's her motive? AVhy docs she want me away? What's up, I'd like to know ? (Aloud) ]\Irs. Timkins, have you any particular reason for wishing me away. Now, out with it ? Tell the truth and shame the ahem ! Mrs. Timkins (asitlr) — I declare the man is certainly mad. (Aloud) Mr. Timkins, you forget yourself. Timkins— ^0 rival Timkins— eh, Mrs. T. ? Mrs. Timkins — Timkins ! ! Timkins — Quito sure ? Mrs. Timkins — I will not endure this. I'll leave the room. To be insulted, and by my own husband, too. ( Walks towards the door.) Timkins — Don't go, Maria. I apologise. I'll go to the country to please you. Mrs. Timkins {returning) — It is not for my pleasure, but your good. Ah ! Timkins, if you could only see yourself as others do. Timkins (aside)— li ysQdi\\GO\i\di. (Aloud) k\\,\\Q\\\ Maria. I'll go. I'll start at once. 1 11 take the first train. Mrs. Timkins — Where to, Timkins ? Timkins — Anywhere — that is where you told me to go to — ta 1 ta ! Maria (kisses Mrs. T.) ; I'll let you know when I get there. Mrs. T'imkins (holding up her hands) (aside) — Bless me ! I fear there is no hope for him. Timkins (aside) — By Jove, I'll take lier at her word ! I'll go — Timkins, my boy ; you and I will have a lark — a regular time of it. I'll drown dull care, and if I don't I'll drown myself. (Aloud) Ta ! ta ! Maria. (Kxit laughing.) Mrs. Timkins — Poor Timkins I Enter Susan. Susan — The doctor's come, ma'am. Mrt. Timkins — Very well, Susan ; I will see him here — but stay, Susan ; your master is going away for a few days — go to him, see that his valise is properly packed, that he has everything for his comfort ; but above all things do not let him enter this room while the doctor is present without first acquainting mo. I am consulting Dr. Pills about ray husband's state of health. Sumn (tiside^ holding up her Iiands) — Poor master ! (Exit.) ' I Mrs. 7'im/mis— Timkius hasa straiifjc aveivion to Dr. Pille. It would be most unfortuiiiite if the two were to meet at this time, espetMally in Timkius' present state of mind ; but 1 have great faith in Susan's judgment. Enter Supan, mhcring in Dii. Pills. Susan — The doctor, 'na'am. Mrs. Timkins {ri-imj ninl shaJfviq Dr. Fills hy the hand)-~Ah I doctor, it is very kind of you to be so ]>uiictual. /Jr. Fills — Always am pnnotiial, madam (takes his note-hook out and makes a memo.) (Aside) Five guineas— imjiortant consultation I Mrs. Timkins — Susan, you may go. Susan (aside) — If master only knew that he (imnling to Dr. Fills) was here, wouldn't there be dixie. (Keif.) (Mrs. T.and Dr. F. seat them- setv.s close to each other.) Mrs. Timkins — Doctor, it is vory good of you to come, you are so punctual— so considerate ! Dr. Fills — Don't mention it, madam. (/4s/^/c) Sorry now I didn't make it ten guineas — think I will (pulls out pocket book and makes memo.}. Mrs. Timkins — It is abjut my poor husband I wish to consult you. Dr. Fills — Ah ! a bad one altogether. Mr%. Timkins — Doctor ! I Dr. Fills — I mean, a bad case. (Aside) A hard case. Mrs. Timkins — Oh! docLui-, you cannof. mean wliat you say ? Have you, then, observed jmor 'J'imkins' strange conduct of late? Dr. Fills — 1 never knew his conduct to be anything else but strange. Mrs. Timkins — Ah, I fear you are prejudiced ; you don't like my husband. Dr. Fills— Vi^d'AWi, you forget perhaps how on one occasion lie applied the toe of his liojt to — ah ! but such things are ])ainful— to relate. Mrs. Timkins — Profissicnally, doctor, you should forget such incidents. Dr. Fills — Profe>sionally J do, madam (f//kes his note-book out and looks at if) ; physically i cannot. Mrs. Timkins— ^y(^\l ! well I doctor, forget tlie past, and only remember that I, a poor troubled wife, apply to you for advice and assistance. I am, I assure you, in a distres&ed state of mind. Dr. Fills— Mj dear madam, I am your humble servant. Mrs. T'imkins—l have persuaded Timkins to go to the country for a week, in order that I may consult you quietly as to his state of health. For some time past he has been very strange in his manner ; talks in his sleep, walks up and down muttering to him- self, knocks his hat over his eyes, has destroyed no loss than a dozen hats in a fortnight, and altogether behaves himself so strangely that I have become alarmed. What if he were going '> i mad ? What if some niij^ht a fremj sboiiid seize him, and, while I am calmly sleeping bj his side, he sliuiiid cub luy thruat ? Dr. Pills — Send for me, madam. Such matterd are piculiarly in. my line. Mrs. Timkins — Thank you. Doctor. I thought you were peculiarly a family physician. Dr, Pills — So I am, madam ; hut you must remember that lunacy and its consequences are now peciiliiirly family disorders. Mrs. Timkins — Oh, dear ! this is dreadful 1 What am I to do ? I send for you, thinking you would comfort and assist me, and you alarm me the more. How can I know whether Timkins is mad ? Dr. Pills — That depends entirely upon yourself. Mrs. Tvnkins — How can that be, doctor ? Dr. Pills — Because in such matters the wishes of relatives and interested friends are consulted above all other considerations. Mrs. Timkins — I do not understand you. Dr. Pills — Let me explain the matter more clearly. If, in your opinion, there is a danger that your husband may, while you are calmly sleeping by his side, cut your throat, then there is no difficulty in obtaining the certificate of a couple of my professional friends to his lunacy, and we can have him conveyed to a place where he'll t ; nol)ody but his keeper. If, however, you think you can c sleep by his side without getting your throat cut, then I do iiot ece the necessity for troubling my friends. Mrs. Timkins — But, doctor, his lunacy may be of a harmless descrip- tion. Dr. Pills — That is for you to decide. Enter Susan ereitedly. Susan — Oh, mistress ! master is in a dreadful rage — he banged me oat of the room and Raid he was coming down here to have me dis- missed. Oh, dear ! Dr. Pills — Madam — Mrs. Timkins — Susan, I fear you have been indiscreet ; leave the room. (Exit Susan ho' ding htr handkerchiej to her eyes.) Dr. Pills — Madam, I understood you to say that your husband had gone to the country. Mrs. Timkins — I certainly thought so. Dr. Pills — But it appears he hasn't. And what am I to do ? Mrs. Timkins (perplexeit) — It is very unfortunate ! {Brightening) But stay — an excellent idea — a splendid opportunity ! You will hear Timkins — you will be able to judge for yourself. You will go behind this screen. Leads him towards screen.) Mrs. Dr. Dr. Pil/a {expostulating and hohfinf/ back) -lint, madam! madam 1 8ii|)|)ose 'rinikina sliould, in his frenzy, knock the screen over and • discover me — what then ? Mrs. Timkinn {ptishinff him forward)— Itrx^i to me, doctor; I will protect you. Dr, Pills— Thft deuce you will! I thought you invited me here to protect you. (Goes Miind scretn). (Exit Mrs. Timkins by one door.) Enter Timkins hy another door. TimJeim (in a rage) — Maria, I will not submit to tims ; confound it, madam ! (Looks about.) Why, where the deuce is Mrs. TimkioB ? Dr, Pills— {(retting on a chair and looking over srreen.) That ^Tetched woman hna gone, and left me at the mercy of this madman 1 Timkins — Bolted 1 afraid to meet me. Ah ! (thumbs in waistcoat- holes) not content with persuading me co go away, she must send her muid to pack my valise, the hussy I Enter Mrs. Timpkins. l^rs. Ttmki7is — Timkins ! ! The husay ! Timkins — Not you, Maria. I referred to Susan. Mrs. IHmkins — And, pray, what has Susan been doing ? Timkins — Rummaging my things ; insisting upon this when I wanted that ; said you sent her to pack my valise. Maria, have you any particular reason for sending Susan to my dressing-room ? Are you aware that 1 have a great repugnance to the wiles and machi- nations of that girl ? (Aside) Great guns, how I did want to hug her ! (Aloud) 1 do believe you were setting a trap for me, Mrs. Timkins — Are you crazy ? Timkins — Mrs. T., you have asked that questi« n more than once during the past hour. No i Maria, I am not crazy, but I am strongly of the opinion you are, Mrs. Timkins — Timpkins! Timkins — What's the matter with you, Mrs. T. ? What's got into you ? One time I'm sick, and require change ; the next, I'm mad. What's got into you ? I tell you what it is {seizes her hand), that infernal humbug. Dr. Pills has got into you, Mrs. Timkins. He owes me a spite, and he has crammed your head with the idea thatl'm mad. Ha ! ha ! mad I Oh I Maria, if 1 only had Dr. Pilla before me at this moment ! Dr. Pills — {Looking over the screen.) Oh, dear me ! Timkins — If I only had that consummate humbug here ! If I only had these fingers in his hair, I'd make a door-mat of him. I would show you, Mrs. T., how your Timkins can punch another man's head when occasion requires it. (At this moment a hud sneeze u heard be}and the screen.) ^i 8 Mrs. I'mkins—Oh 1 1 Timkins—lliWo I What's tint ? Mrs. Tmkins — Hush 1 Not a word f TimkinH — Well, by Mrs. Timkim {in a whisper) — Not a word I Timkins — Now Maria, I Mrs. Timkins {holds np Iit fnijn\ ami in a ivh>', I'll see you safely to the door. (A'.c unt.) 9 SCENE II. It WUkfidm Junction Raibmij Slust few weeks. How ii man rctireil from business witli a decent income could have l)een bo inlaluated as to gumblo on tho Stock Exchange. 1 cannot understand ; hut this in what I have l)cen doing ; and what will Mrs. T, pay, when she hears about it ; What will she do if she ever learns that 1 dro])ped no less than ten thousand pounds in one week. Dr. Pills is sure to hear about it, and he will as surely tell Maria ; but if he u-.ja — if he does, I'll — I'll make a jwwder of him ; I'll gritid him into HUufT, and Pills will take a pinch of himself. Oh ! that Stt ^ k Exchange ; talk of gand)Iing hells, cards and dice are flea-bites t^> Stock gambling ; don't I know it from bitter exjerience. Rcfonu Monaco, say they ; relonn nearer home, pay I. I'd blow my brains out, only it is such a disagreeable alternative. I j)refer going to the country ; bn t where '11 I go ? Maria suggested Scotkiud — Wales ; but no ! I'll go to Ireland. I'll go in for freedom. liillo ! there, porter, I say. Enter Railway Porter. Tunkins — Say, my man, when does the Holy'uead express leave. Porter (looking at clocJc) — Fifty- four and three quarters of a minute from now. T'tmAms— Really to the minute. Porter — To a tick. Timkins — By Jove ; take my valise till I get something to eat and something {winks) to drink. {Porter touches hat and lifts valise.) {Exit Timkinb.) Enkr Simkins camjing a black valise the exact counterpart of tho one left by Timkins with the Porter.) Simkins — Porter ! Porter ! Great Cnesar ! there never is a porter about when you want him. (Observes Porter.) Ah ! there you are. AVhen does the next train leave for Addison Road ? Porter {looking at clock) — In four minutes and two-thirds of a second. Simkins — Never behind time ? Porter — Never. Simkins {looks at clock)~-C\oc'k right ? Porter — Never wrong. 10 Simkina. — Could I purchase that timepiece ? Porter — Don't know ; aik the Station Master. Simkina — Young man, you were made for better things than a Railvraj Porter ; take my valise till I get my ticket. {Porter touches his hat and takes valise.) (Exit Simkins.) Porttr — ^Well, here's a go ! {holding out a valise in each hand.) Now, I'd like to know which is which (places them on platform, moves them about one at a time, from one place to another) ; like as two p's. and I'm blowed if I know which valise belongs to which gentleman ; no mark, no name, and they do make valises so much alike now-a- days. Enter Simkins. Swikins {looking at eloelc) — Three minutes before the train goes. Ah I just time to look at Jones's letter once more {fumbles in his pockets). What a joke — what a lark I In search of my counter- part I and, then, my old grandmother she must give me a clock, a hundred years old she said, and desired me to get it mended while I was in London. Now, what's the use of mending a thing a hundred years old — one would think its time had run down ; but, there it is in my valise and it must be mended. (Pulls letter from pocket.) Ah, here it is ! let me read this extraordinary document again. {Produces letter and reads aloud.) *' My Dear Simkins, " I have frequently written to you about the astonish- ing resemblance you bear to a certain Mr. Timkins who resides at No. 0, Russell Road. You two ought certainly to meet each other. Unless it is the mole under your right arm " Simkins — Ah! Smith and I on^e bathed together, hence his knowledge of my little imperfections. {Continues reading from the letter.) " You and Timkins are exactly alike. I never saw such a resem- blance. Some day one of you will be taken for the other, which may cause an unpleasantness, and I therefore think you and Timkins should meet and have an explanation. Gome to London ; {>resent yourself at his house unannounced ; break in upon him ike an apparition ; the effect will be everlasting. You have his address^ take my advice. " Ever yours, " Timothy Jonbs.** Simkins— "^(m did you ever hear of such a thing? Timkins and Simkins ; only a letter dividing us ; so near and yet so far apart. Well, I'm taking Jones's advice ; I'll burst in upon this TimMns ; I'll astonish him ; I'll uiyavel this mystery. My counterpart and- I must certainly come to an understanding ; it is necessanr that I should see this Timkins with my own eyes. Ah ! here is the train. Porter, my valise ! (Porter, who in mmnlims has been puzzling himself over the resemblance of the two valises^ hands one to Simpkins.) 11 Train arrives, stops, and then passes on in front of station, and discovers Porter alone on platform carrying one valise, {Enter Timkins smoking cigar.) Timkins — Ha ! ha ! the first instalment of my lark ; two brandies neat, one brandy and soda, two sandwiches and a cigar, and such a deuced pretty little girl behind the bar. Wouldn't Maria be jealous ? {Observes Porter.) Ah ! Porter, there you are. Is this the platform for the Holyhead express ? Porter — Oh ! no sir ; you go up that stairs ; then you turn to your right ; go along a passage ; first turning to your left ; over a bridge ; turn to your left again ; down another stairs ; then go along platform ; take last door to your right ; up stairs again ; and turn to your left ; and Timk ns — This is Willeaden Junction, I believe (fumhling in his waistcoat pocket) — Willesden muddle, I should eay. Just wait a-bit (ill I take it all down ; but, I say, Porter, I'll give you a sixpence to show me the \nay. Porter— AW right, sir. {Suddenly looks at the valise he holds.) What's this ? {Places valise on platform, kneels, and places his ear close toii.) Porter (looking up) — Tick, tick, tick ! What have you got in here ? Timkins — What have I got ? — clothes, of course. Porter {rising and starting hack from valise) — Explosive, by thunder ! {rushes off stage.) Timkins — What the devil is the matter with the man ? Enter Porter, tvith Inspector and Policeman. Porter {poitUing to valise) — There it is. Inspector (to Timkins) — Is that your valise ? Timkins — I should say it was. Inspector — Will you be good enough to open it ? Timkins — Are you a custom-house officer " Inspector — No, sir, but all the same ; it is necessary for me to see the conj-ents of this valise, and that immediately. Porter {in alarm)— Yea, immediately ; the devilish thing may go off. Timkins— WeU, sir, I'll be hanged if 1 open my \a.\m for you or any other man. /»«/ec^or— Policeman, do your duty. {To Porter)— Tom, break it open. {Policeman collars Timkins.) Timkins— Uanda off] Are you all mad ? Great guns 1 What the devil do you mean ? Porter {to Inspector)— Oipen the blessed thing yourself ; suppose it should go oflP {walks to end of stage). r/mAiVw— Don't break it open ; here is the key {produces key). 11 i 1-' l/iKjwrior {taking kpf/,o/mi.i valise, and discloses the works of a flock, fair of trousers, two collars, skirt, tooth-brush., brush and comb, a box of tooth powder, and bottle of hair wash ; Jays clock, tooth-powder ond hair wash on platform) — {Holdimi vp clock) — Mcclianical con- trivance— (/^oW/wy up bo.r tooth-powder) — Box labelled tootb-jiowder — Holding up bottle hair wash) — Tiiqnid labelled hair wash. A very suspicious lot of articles! We will send them to Colonel Majendie ; in meantime, Policeman, do your duty. Policeman — You are my prisoner. Timkins {amazea) — But, \\ait a-bit, these articles do not belonj^ to me. Inspector — Too late, sir— too late. You certainly claimed the valise. Timkins {perplexed) — Well, yes ; but\vhere the devil did the clock come from, and these other articles ? Inspector — That will bo lor you to explain at the proper time. Policeman — Come along, sir ! Timkins (in a rage, smashing his hat over his eges) — I'll be hanif^ed if I go {throws himself on platform. Porter, Inspector and Policeman seize him, and carry him off, struggling and shouting.) Timkins — You'll pay fr)r this, every one of you ! Oh, Maria ! Oh, Maria ! see what you have brought me to ! {Exeunt.) Enter Porter. Porter — Wonder if they have the right man ; two valises just alike ; two men also alike — one goes to London ; one to Ireland. Oh ! ■well it's not my fault if people will not address their luggage properly. {Exit.) Enter Timkins with his clotlies ioi-n and hatless, who rushes across the stage followed by Policeman, then by Inspector, then by Porter. (Extunt.) Curtain drops. i;i SCENE Ml. Draw I u (J room mTimkins's House. i^iMKissdUcovend, seated, with hia thumbs in hi&.waistcoat annho'es. AV/H^m.?— And so this is the aSode of Tiinkim. This eounterparb of mine is evidently a man of taste (looks about him). How very unfortunate, however, that he should be away from liomc ! liiib here I am, and iiere I intend to remain until Tlia' e seen Timkins. Deuced pretty servant maid that of his. Couldn't help it— had to — had to kiss her. And slie — well slie didn't seem to object. I wonder if Timkins is in the habit of kissiiisj^ her. It is true slie said she'd tell her mistress, but they all so.y tljat and never do it. Mrs. Timkins, too, it appear.^ is ah cut from homo. So, havin,' purchased an evening paper, I'll make myself comfortable, {/fakes a neirspapir from his pocket, opins it, crosses his legs, and commences to read.) Ilillo ! another dvnamite scare. Great Cajsar ! what is this? {Reads from paper) '^ Discover i^ of an. Infernal Machine! Attempt to blow up Wil/esden Junction /Station ! Arrest of thn Dynamitard ! — Last evening a s'ranger, who refused to give hit fianie, tvas arrested at Willesden Junction, having in his jwssession a black valise, containing, amongst other articles, a curioushi C(,ntrived piece of clockwork, a box label/ci to ,tk-pouHkr, and aphvil coni.nning some strange compoitnd marked hair-wash. 7'he valise with its contents were taken possession of and forwarded to Colonel Majendie for inspection, and the stranger was detained pending the necessary inquiries. There is no doubt in the m inch of the authorities that another dastardly attempt to destroy life and property h'ts been frustrated." Simkins — This is very singular ! — Lust eA*eiiing — a black valise — antiquated clock-work— a box, labelled tooth-powder, and a liottle of hair-wash— and at Willesden Junction, ton! One would almost suppose my valise had been overhauled. {Rises and rings bell.) Enter Susan. Simkins — My dear little girl — what a charming little creature I— I declare I cannot help it. {Kisses Susan). Susan — Mr. Timkins, you are a very bad man — the next thing you'll do you'll tell mistress I've been rummagmg your things. Simkins — Oh! oh! oh! {Aside). She takes me for Timkins. Oh! Timkins, you wretch 1 Oh ! you sly dog ! (Aloud) My dear, you can rummage my things as much as you like, and I'll never say a word about it. Susan ~I don't believe you. Oh ! I know you better. Simkins — Better than I know you, it seems. Come, now, what is your name, my pretty little dear ? SUsan {aside) — Oh ! he doesn't remember my name ; he's very far gone, but I'll humour him. {Aloud) Susan ! u iS*mA;»««— What a pretty name ! Well, Susan, will you have my valise brought here ? Susan — Your valise has been sent to your room. Simkins — Will you oblige me by having it sent here ? Susan {asi'ie) — Till mistreaa comes I must humour him. (AloutJ) Oh ! yea sir, John will bring it immediately. Simkins— Oh I you dear little Susan ! {Catches her round the waist, and attempts to kiss her.) Susan (struggling to release herself) — Please, sir, don't. JUrs Alljoy {appears at door and perceives the struggU) — Ahem 1 (louder) ahem ! (louder still, with a stamp of the foot) ahem ! Simkins (releasing Susan, who runs off) — Great Cgesar! here is Mrs. Timkins. Mrs. Alljoy (aside) — Oh ! what a darling man he is ! so full of fun ; so gallant ! Oh ! how I envy Mrs. Timkins ! Simkins (sheepishly) — Excupe roe, madam, but the fact is, Susan — the fact is — I can assure you — the fact is Mrs. Alljoy laughs and shakes her finger at Simkins. ' Simkins (aside) — B7 Jove, she's a jolly party ! (Aside) The truth of the matter is Mrs. Alljoy — Don't apologise ; you were merely having a little fun, Mr. Timkins. Sivnpkms — My dear madam — Simkins. Mrs. Alljoy— Oh, you funny man I when did you change your name ? SimUns (aside) — Oh, here it is, a!?ain ; she takes me for Timkins. (Aloud) Excuse me, madam, but are you Mrs. Timkins ? Mrs. Alljoy (aside) — Oh. that 1 were ! (Aloud) Alas, no ! I am Mrs. Alljoy, as you are perfectly aware, Mr. Timkins. Simkins — Allow me to correct you once more — Simkins, madam. Mrs. Alljoy (aside) — What's got into the man ? (Aloud) Oh, you joker I so your name is not Timkins. Simkins — Some people say it; is ; in my opinion it is not. Mrs. Alljoy (aside) — Oh ! he's clean out of his wits. (Aloud) What will your wife say ? Simkins — Haven't a wife. Mrs. Alljoy — And pray, Mr. Timkins, when did she die. Simkins (angrily)— She never was born, I tell you. Mrs. Alljoy (aside) (seating herself on sofa) — Oh ! I see now, poor man — he has been drinking. Poor fellow ! Would that what he sayp were true ! would that he were free, that I, poor unhappy woman, might cast myself into his arms and tell him of my great, my silent lovel but, no— it cannot be. Alas ! Mrs. T.mkins is a stern reality. 15 Simkins—I tell you what it is, Mrs. Oh-be-joyful, it strikes me the aooner I get oat of this house, the better. Enter Mbs. Timkikj. Mrt. Timkins (a«»i«)— Timkins, back ; and that woman here ! Mn. Alljoy {rising quickly from ao/a)— OhI Mrs. Timkins, I am bo glad you have returned ! Here is Timkins, says his name is Simkins, that he hasn't a wife, that she never was bom, and tbat the sooner he is out of this house the better. Mrt. Timkins {haughtily)— li my husband said all you impute to him, I should say the sooner he is out of the house the better it will be for himself. Simkins {aside) — Oh I ho ! here is the original and only Mrs. Timkins ; now, by Jove, I'm in for it ! Mrs. Alljoy {in a whisper to Mrs. T.) — I am afraid, Mrs. Timkins, your husband is not quite himself. Mrs. Timkins {savagely) — And I am afraid, Mrs. Alljoy, you are con- cerning yourself in matters that do not belong to you. Mrs. Alljoy (aside and in a temper) — Oh ! the jealous tiger ! she knows that Timkins has a partiality for me. {Aland) I am very eorry, Mrs. Timkins ; I had no intention of offending you. Mrs. Timkins — There is nothing you could say would oflVnd me, Mrs. Alljoy. {Turning to Simkins) Where on earth did you get that suit of clothes ? Simkins {Looking at himself) — Clothes ! clothes ! why, from my tailor, of course. Mrs. Timkins — And you ordered them without consulting my taste ? the pattern is positively vulgar. Simkins — Thank you, madam ; now in my town thia suit of clothes is considered rather nobby. Mrs, Timkins — In your town ! Pray where is that ? jSiwWn*— Simkinville in Shropshire ; named after my family, madam. Mrs. Alljoy — There, I told you so — he insists that his name is Simkins. Mrs. Timkins {aside) — This is simply dreadful — my poor husband ! But stay, a happy thought — that dreadful woman, Mrs. Alljoy. I will make use of her, no matter how repugnant it may be to ray feelings. Dr. Pills and his two friends will be here presently for a consultation. Timkins must be got out of the way ; I will make use of Mrs. Alljoy for the purpose. {To Sirs. Alljoy, in a whisper) I regret if I spoke hastily a moment ago ; I am very much worried about Timkins' health. The doctors will be here presently for a consultation on his case. It is desirable that my husband should not be present. I will make an excuse for you to accompany him to the library. Will yea engage his attention there for the next half-hour ? • i k; Mrs. Alljoif — "Willi all mj heart. Mrs. Timkins (rtsiVA-)—! have evidently ^iven ^^r a pleasant task. iSimkins (asi'fe) — These women are playing at cross-purposes ; what's in the wind ? Mrs. Timkins— Dear Timkins, pray show Mrs. Alljoy yoor new portrait in the library. *S'im/fetn«— Pleasure, madam. (Aside) Oh, oh, oh ! my portrait ! but— (Aloud to Miis. Alijoy, offering his arm) Come along, madam, I have no doubt we'll find our way. Mrs. Alljoy (fisi e, going out on Simkixs' (7rm)— What a golden opportunity ! {Exit Mrs. Alljoy and Simkins.) Mrs. 2'imkins — It is about time for Dr. Pills to be here {looks at her watch). Yes, just the hour. Enter Susan. Susan — Dr. Pills, madam. Mrs. Timkins — How punctual ! Enter Dr. Pills and his two professional friends, Drs. Crackbrain and GoNEUP. (Exit Susan.) Mrs. Timkins (Meeting and shakifig, hands with Dr. Fills) — Ah I doctor, always punctual. Dr. Pills — Always punctual, madam. (Takes hook out and makes memo.) My friends, Mrs. Timkins, Drs. Crackbrain and Goneup. Mrs. Timkins — Pray be seated ! (Points to chairs, and they all take seats.) Your arrival, gentlemen, is quite opportune, Mr. Timkinfl has unexpectedly returned. Dr. Pi'ls (in alarm) — Timkins here ! Mrs. Timkins, to say the least of it, it is extremely injudicious. Mrs. Timkins— Don't be alarmed, doctor ; I have taken precautions that our consultation shall not be disturbed. Dr. Pills — No more screens — for me, Mra. Timkins. Mrs. Timkins — No more screens, Dr. Pills. Gentlemen, it is a very Fad case when a wife has to consult you on matters relating to her husband's state of mind ; but I am induced to do so only because I hope that I may be able to avert a greater calamity. Dr. Pills (aside) — She dwells upon Timkins, and (passes his finger across his throat). Mrs. Timkins-^ My husband for some time has been acting very strangely, and only to-day denied his identity altogether. Drs. Pills, Crackbrain, and Goneup (holding up their hands together) — A very hard case, indeed, madam. Dr, Pills— JuBi what I said — a very hard case. E?iter SmKim, /Nourishing his hat. Simpkins — My dear Mrs Timkins, congratulate me. Dr. Pills— {rising 2)recipitately from his seat)—0]i, dear me, Timkins ! {Rushes from stage.) (Drs. Crackbrain and Goneup rise from their seats.) Simpkins— {looking in direction of Dr. Pills' flight)— IJiWo \ "What is the matter with him ? Mrs. Timkins — Timkins ! Simpkins {rushing forward and seizing her hands). — Sirakins, my dear madam— not Timkins. But conr^ratnlate me — congratulate nic, my dear madam ! I have captured the widow. Mrs. Oh-be-joyful has promised to be mine. We are to be married the week after my old grandmother dies. Mrs. Timkins {to Drs. Grackhrain and Oonevp) — Gentlemen, listen to him. My husband has the audacity to tell me — his wife — I hat ho is g"ing to marry another woman. "What greater proof can there be of his insanity ? Dr. Grackhrain {holding up hisfinjor at Mrs. Timkins). — Madam, leave him to us. {To Simkins) Mr. 'I'inikins. Simpki?is — Dem it, how often am I to tell you my name is Siuikius ? Timkins is my counterpart ; don't you understand ? Dr. Grackhrain — Do you mean to say, then, that this lady {jmnting to Mrs. Timkins) is not your wife ? Simpkins — Of couiee I do ! Never was married in my life. You see — let me ex])]ain. 1 am an orphan, father and mother both dead ; but my father's mother, my gi-aiidmother, survives. She — yon see — she took a ninety-nine years' Ica^e of life. Now, the old lady has a nice little sum in ber own right (some thirty thousand pounds) to whicli I am the acknowledged heir if I don't marry during her lifetime. She is jiarticular on this poiut, and thirty thousand pounds is a nice little sum. Mrs. Timpkins — AVhat rublush ! Simkins— ^yc\\, now, I don't think so. At least I meiu to get it if I can, and tlie old lady cannot la4 long, and then — and then Mrs. Oh-be-joyful has promised to be mi lie. Enter Mus. AiiL.ioY, in confusion. Mrs. Alljog— Oh, ]\lrs Timkins ! what oiM I do ? lie made desperate love to me, became quite exciied, and, to quiet him, I agreed to his very ridiculous jirupositioii. Simpkins {rcproaclifaUy) — ]\Iis. Oh-be-joyful, this is not kind of you ! Dr. Grackhrain to Dr. Goneup — A most peculiar ca^e ! I think we should take immediate steps. {Whisper to each other.) {To Mrs. Timkins)^\\Q will return presently, armed with the necessary documents, llis case requires immediate treatment. Detain him till our return. {Exei/fif.) 18 Un. Timkim—W^ dear Timkins, why will you persist in makiug yourself ridiculous '; — what is the matter with you ? Simpkins — Great Cajsar ! there is nothing the matter with me. You will persist in calling me Timkinf, when I tell you my name is Simkins. Where the devil is Tinikius ? Mrs. Timkins -Oh \ this is dreadful! {Putt her handkerch'ef to her eyes and sobs.) Mrs. Alljoy — I declare the whole affair is very extraordinary. I fear, indeed, the mau is mad. {Goes to Mrs. Timkins and endeavours to console her.) Simkins (tvalJts about excitedly) (aside) — Things arc getting decidedly mixed. I hate to leave the widow, but she, too, thinks Im Timkins ! Why tlie devil, then, did she promise to marry me? Oh, that Timkins would make his appearance ; I have a strung fore- boding that I am getting into trouble. {Aloud to 3Irs. T.) Madam, I think I have been h«re long enough. I will call another day upon Timkins. Toll him, when he returns, that his counterpart was hero to seo hiiu. {To Mrs. Alljny) Mrs. Oh-bo-joyfui, you'll hear from me — reineraber I keep you to your promise. Adieu, ladies. {Puts his tiat on and goes towards door.) Enter Drs. Crackbrain and Goneup, with two attendants, who confront SlMKINfci. Dr. frackbrain — Mr. Timkins, a little rest and quiet will do yon good. {To Mrs. T.) Mrs. Timkins, your husband will be tenderly triated. {To JSimkins) Come, Mr. Tinikius. Simkins — One moment, gentlemen. Once more, my name is Simkins. I entered this house by mistake. I apologise ; can't do more Allow me to pass. Good morning, ladies ! (Dr. Crackbrain waves to attendants, who take Simkins by the arms.) Simkins — Great Caesar ! what do you mean ? Hands off — or you will see what a Simkins can do ! {Attempts to throw off attendants, who seise him.) Simkins {sliouting) — Great CaBsar ! I tell you I apologise. I — I — {Attendants hurry him from room.) Dr. Crackbrain {to Mrs. Timkins) — Tour husband will be placed in one of the most comfortable rooms in the asylum. Depend upon it, madam, he will be carefully treated. {Exit with Dr. Goneup.) Mrs. Timkins — Oh, Mrs. Alljoy, this is dreadful ! Poor Timkins ! Handkerchief to eyes and sobs.) Mrs. Alljoy — Poor Timkins ! {Also sobs, comfort each other.) Enter Timkins with clothes torn and hat crushed — walks slowly and gloomily forward. i!) 7VinAm.t— Mrs. Timkina, behold the remains of your hiislxwid, the wreck of what wa-< once your Tiuikins. See {/minting to his clothes) the effects of your folly. (Mhh. Timkins and Mits. Alljoy look up and siream, then ru^h to other end of room and look on Timkins with horror.) 3frs. Ttrnk-ns-^Good heavens ! thoy have allowed him to escape ! Timkins ( points his finger at Mrs. Timkins)— Ah, remorse! it comes too late. See the condition to which you have brought me through listening to the advice of that very particular Iriend of mine, Dr. Pills. Ah 1 Pills, when I change my clothes, I'll have it oat with you. Mrs. Timkins ](in a tvhisper to Mrs. ALiiJOT)--Dear Mrs. AUjoy, go immediately, find Dr. Pills, and tcU him Timkins has escaped, and to send assistance at once, or 1 fear he will murder me. Mrs. AUjoy {in a whitper) — I'll send some one to secure him at once. (Goes towards door.) Timkins (planting himself he/ore Mrs. Alljot) — Mrs. AUjoy ! But no — I have no quarrel with you. Go ! {Mrs. Alljot Jiees from room.) Mrs. Timkins — Oh, Timkins ! spare me. I did all for the beet. Timkins — All that I can say, madam, is that it turned out very badly for me. Arrested as a dynamitard. Locked up, Mrs. Timkins ! Do yo!i hear ? Your husband put into jail ! What does that mean ? Ruin ! You insisted upon Susan packing my valise, and what did she put into it ? .\ confounded old clock, a bottle of hair- wash, a box of tooth-powder, and a shirt-collar. A comfortable lot of articles that to go on a journey with. 3frs. Timkins — Oh, Timkins ! there must be some dreadful mistake. Where could Susan get an old clock from ? Timkins — That's what I'd like to know. But there it was, and Susan packed my valise, and here ( pointing to his clothes) you see the effect of it. Mrs. Timkins — (aside) I declare he's seized with another fancy. But how on earth did he change his clothes so quickly ? I believe I am going crazy myself. (^/ecn, arranged vith slidini/ panel for loo/cin;/ info room. 8lmkixs discovcretl in room, clothes torn, and in a very dilapidated condition.) Simkins — A pretty ending this to my holiday — loc'ccd \\\) in a lunjilic asylum! The next thing will be a straight jacktt I C'onfouiid Jtmes I it is all his fault. 1 don't believe there is siic'u a Uiaii as I'iiukins ; the whole thing is a delusion and a siuirc. A pi'uetital joko on the ]:art of my i'rieiid Junes. Jjut oh, .Jones I Oh, Timothy ,l(»ncs I (sha/crs his fint in thi' air) wait till 1 got out. I'll bnak in iijion you like an a})iuritinn, I will— and (ndlooinly) the elVcCu will be e\er- lasting. (Jrertt Ciusar I my grandmother will cut jne olf uiLh u philling when she hears of this, liut what can 1 do ? the more 1 protest — the more I ii sist that 1 am Himkiiis — the more they are convinced that 1 am Tnnkins, and the madder thoy declare me to be. A pretty kettle of fish, isn't it? If 1 ajiiieal to the Home Secretary they'll never deliver my letter ; I can't appeal to my grandmother ; what am I to do ? llei-e I am, and here I'm likely to remain unless Tnnkins turns up. Where, in thunder, is Timkins ? Jle alone is my hope; should he never a])p(ar then I am undone. Great Cajsar, how thirsty 1 am I {Knocks on the door — Ut^tens, finding no ansirn-.) Pleasant place this to stay in ! — attentive waiters 1 [looks almd room) luxuri< us furniti re ! I'd like to know how long this thing is going to last, llsh ! somebody's coming {listens). {Enter in corridor Timkins, dragged by the two Attendants and accompanied by i)r. Looney.) Timkins— I protest against this outrage. I know nothing about the confounded clock. Never u.-ed hair wash in my life -never. {^'iragglea nith Attendants.) Dr. Looney {fumbling in his pockrl)-l declare this is very odd— most Mrs ^ Mrs Dr. -9, 'A. •A Dr. Dr. Binj^iilar — never had a patient of mine escape bofdrc. once I liad him nnder lock and key. Ah ! here it i^ (takes kei/ /loni /mr/.W unt thrusts it into kt'i/hole n/ilonr). Timkins—\ tell yon the cursed old clock don't l)elon^ to mo. I don'L use that kind of tooth powder. I a|>j!eal Dr. Looney opens tloar and Attendants thrust Timkins info loam. Dr. Lnnnpij {affpr he has closed the dtmr on Timkins) — .lohii ! .lolin I this is a dreadful disgrace on our esLablijhmonL 1 it is ruinous ! How on earth did the patient escape ? 1st Attmdant — Very mysterious, sir ! give it up. 2nd Attendant — Crept through the keyhole, Ifihoukl say. Dr. Looney — I ani afraid he crept through the dour because you neglected to lock it. But I'll make sure of it this time {tries key in lock, and withdrawiny it places it in his pocket). Now, John, wo will leave the patient for the present ; go to your supjicr [exeunt). {In meantime Timkins and Simkixs walk ronnd and round the room, eyeiny each other in amazement.) Simklns — Great Csesar ! • Timkins— Qivc?Li guns I Simkins — Timkins ? Timkins — And you ? Sonkins — Simkins . Timkins — By thunder ! {Shake hands and confer together.) {Enter in corridor Mrs. Timkins, INIrs. Alljoy, Dr. Pj].j,r, and Dr. Looney.) Mrs. Timkins— Mj poor Timkins ! Mrs. Alljoy — Poor Timkins ! Dr. Pills {to Dr. Looney) — Is he very violent ? Dr. Looney — Somewhat. Perhaps you would like to see for yourself ? Dr. Pills— ^0, thank you ; I've seen enough of him. Oh, no, Dr. Looney ! I'll take your word for it. Timkins — Hush ! Something going on ouLside {they both listen at door.) Dr. Looney— Don't be alarmed, doctor ! You see {pointiny to the panel) I have a plan by which I can examine my putients without entering the room . Dr. Pills— Oh ! then, that alters the question. I should certainly, in that case, like to see the patient. Mrs. Timkins — My poor Timkins ! *>f> Mm. Atljny—Voov Timkins ! Dr. Pills — Poor devil ! (Asidr) I can't Bay I am sorry for him. (Dr. LoosEY pull nsiih panel, mid Dr. PiiiLS looka throu/fh.) Timkins (perceiving him) — Pills ! you double-dyed, giiulT-takiii<:f scoundrel ! (Uesticulatea and apparently talks excitedly to Simpkins. Dr. Pii.ks shids panel hastily, and seizing Dr. Looney by the arm, drcws him to one side.) l)r. Pills — Dr. Looney, what is the meaning of this ? You have two patients in there. Dr. Looney— Dr. Pills, you are mad 1 Mrs. Timkins— Yflmt on earth is the matter now ? ■ 3Irs. Alljoy—l don't know, but the doctors appear to be at logger- heads. Dr. Pills — The matter is, madam, that you have two huaband-j in there. Mrs. Timkins (screams) — Oh 1 you wretch ! Mrs. Alljoy — (Jood gracious! Dr. Pills — I think it is about time for me to leave ; there is evidently something wrong. (Ent.) Dr. Looney — Very extraordinary ! but I will see for myself (pushes panel aside and looks into room, shuts it again hastily). Dr. Looney (to Mrs. Timkins) — Madam, some dreadful mistake has happened ; there are certainly two patients in there when there should be only one. Perhaps you had better see for yourself (pushes panel aside and points to opening), (Mrs. TiMKixs looks in.) Timkins — Great guns, Maria ! Mrs. Timkins — My poor Timkins ! Timkins— \ should say so ; very poor (looks at his torn clothes) — miserably poor ! 1 hope you are satished, Mrs. Timkins. Mrs. Timkins — But, Timkins, who — who is that ? Simkins — Simkins, madam, at your service. Mrs. Alljoy (pulling Mrs. Timkins by the Jmss)— Please, Mrs. Timkins, may 1 have a peep ? Mrs. Timkins (leaving panel)— Dr. Looney, what is the meaning of all this? Dr. Looney — I fear some dreadful mistake has happened. Mrs. Alljoy (looks through panel) — Oh, dear ! iS'tmA:ms— Great Caesar ! Mrs. Oh-be-joyful ! Mrs. Alljoy — How funny ! 28 Siinkins—Ycry, very funny ! eh, Timklns ? (pokes Timkins in tlip rihs.) Hut look here, Mrs. Oh-ljo-joyful ! if you'll only ^^-t nie out of here, I'll marry you to-morrow in spite of my gralidniother. Mrt. Alljoy — Oh ! what a man ? {Leaves panel) Mrs. Timkins {to I)r. Looney)—\i is evident, Dr. Looncy, that a great mistake has been made. I should like to have an interview with my husband. Dr. Lomey — A very desirable step, madam ; and I trust you will not forget to explain that I am in no way re8])oiisible for his confine- ment. The certificate seemed to be ((uite in order. Mrs, Timkins — I will certainly endeavour to explain everything. Mrs. Alljoy (aside) And I wouldn't be in her place for anything. Dr. Looney — Then I will open the door. (Produces key, places it. in the lock.) (Aside.) And now, I think, I had better go and consult uxy solicitor. (Throws open door and exit hurriedly.) Mrs. Timkins (enteriny roo^r,, followed by Mrs. Alljoy) — Oh ! forgive me, Timkins ! How I have suffered ? Tj/wAtj/js — Suffered, have you? Forgive you? Well, I'll think about that, Maria ! >%nkins (aside to Timkins, poking him in the side) — Now's your chance. Give her a bit of your mind ! Mrs. Alljoy (aside) — Oh ! isn't he angry ? Timkins (aside to Simkins) — Simkins don't interrupt me. I think I'm equal to the occasion. (To Mrs. Timkins) Maria, I once more express the hope that you are satisfied. I trust the sight of your husband in his present condition (points to his torn clothes) consoles you. I should say that you and your precious adviser, Dr. Pills, have had your money's worth. Simkins (poking Timkins in the ribs, tvhispers)— Hotter, hotter ! Timkins (To Simkins) — Just you wait, I'm only warming up. Mrs. Timkins— Oh ! Timkins don't be too hard upon me. Timkins — Madam, in all such matters there comes a time of reckoning ; that time has come, and now I'd like to know, Mrs. Timkins, what you are going to do about it. Mrs. Alljoy — Oh ! isn't she getting it. Simkins {to Mrs. Timkins) — British subjects, madam, without reason, confined in a madhouse. Timkins — Fictitious and malicious certificates on the part of your medical advisers, madam. Simkins — There will be questions asked in Parliament, madam. Timkins — And, Maria, if I ever lay my hands on that infernal scoundrel, Dr. Pills, there will be a murder committed— that's all. Mrs. Timkins— I will have nothing more to do with Pills. 2-t ri,nkins—Qmte riiiht. A perfect fraud. ^7/»^7-r.s-Excuse me- one' exception- Cockles ; I've always found Cockles' very Mrs. AUJoi/— Oh, this is too absnrd ! {Mr. cj- Mrs. Timlcins Jaugh heartily.) Simhms-W'h^i on earth are you all laughing at ? I tell you what, Cockles' Pills are • Tim^ms-Excellent ; but, my dear fellow, we are referring to Dr. Pills. Simlcins—ku^ I believe Cockles' are better than any doctor's pills ; my grandmother , Ttm/a??s— Oh, confound it, stop ! we're not sick. Simlins—l am, and I'd like to go home. Mrs. Timkins-SNorCi you forgive me, Timkins ? I am very sorry. Come home ; I've had a lesson I'll never forget. Tmlcms-^eW Maria, I'm of a forgiving disposition There, I forgije you (Mssel her). I don't blame you so much ; but there will be a case, Timkins and Simkins versus Pills, and then we'll see what 11 come of it, eh, Simkins ? ^zmyfcins-Certainly {to Mrs. Alljoy.) Mrs. Oh-be-joyful ! Mrs. Alliotj—UYS. Alljoy if you please. Simkins— WeW, Mrs. Alljoy, do you remember your promise ? Mrs AUioi/ (asiiie)-\Ye\\, I suppose it is the nearest approach to Timkins I can get. They are as like as two P's. {Aloud) If you are still of the same mind ? * - ■ Simkins-l am {throws his arms round Mrs. Alljoy and kisses her). What will my old grandmother say ? (Timkins throtvs his arms round Mrs. Timkins and kisses ker.) CURTAIN DRora. 'ound what, ) Dr. ; my sorry. brgive 11 be a srhat'U ich to i) If \s her). es Jeer.)